Help Fund My Robot Army!!! and Other Improbable Crowdfunding Projects
Date: 2014-06-29 04:00:00+00:00
Keywords: Science Fiction; Short Stories; Anthologies; Fantasy; Humor; Fiction; Urban Fantasy; Speculative Fiction; Science Fiction Fantasy; Robots
Description: If you’re a regular backer of Kickstarters, you’ve probably seen some unique crowdfunding projects in your time. But one thing all of those campaigns—boringly!—had in common was: They abided by the physical laws of the universe! HELP FUND MY ROBOT ARMY!!! is an anthology of science fiction/fantasy stories told in the form of fictional crowdfunding project pitches, using the components (and restrictions) of the format to tell the story. This includes but is not limited to: Project Goals, Rewards, User Comments, Project Updates, FAQs, and more. The idea is to replicate the feel of reading a crow

TABLE OF CONTENTS

INTRODUCTION

FORMATTING NOTE

DISCLAIMER

John Joseph Adams

HELP FUND MY ROBOT ARMY!!!

Keffy R.M. Kehrli

FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY

Jeremiah Tolbert

ZERO G R&J

Mary Robinette Kowal

A MEMORIAL TO THE PATRIOTS

Jake Kerr

I WANT TO BE A LIONESS

Chuck Wendig

LIBERTY: SEEKING SUPPORT FOR A WRIT OF HABEAS CORPUS FOR A NON-HUMAN BEING

Samuel Peralta

HELP SUMMON THE MOST HOLY FOLDED ONE!

Harry Connolly

FULFILL MY DESTINY—AND SAVE THE WORLD!

Matt Forbeck

LARPING THE APOCALYPSE 2: THE NANO-PLAGUE

Tim Pratt

FUND TAPHOGNOSIS INDUSTRIES

Tobias S. Buckell

CATASSASSINS!

Veronica Belmont

FINDER OF LOST THINGS

Monte Cook

PRIMA NOCTA DETECTIVE AGENCY NEEDS YOU

Genevieve Valentine

SO JUICY TRANSFORMING STRIPS

Matt Williamson

THE SPIRIT OF MARS: FUND A SACRED JOURNEY TO THE RED PLANET

Andrew Penn Romine

FLASHED FORWARD

Bradley Beaulieu

HELP ME FOLLOW MY SISTER INTO THE LAND OF THE DEAD

Carmen Maria Machado

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR

Michael J. Sullivan

A PRACTICAL MECHANISM FOR OVERCOMING THE DIRECTIONALITY OF TEMPORAL FLOW

David D. Levine

LIFE-SIZED ARENA TETRIS!

David Malki !

ZIPPERS

Derek Van Gorder

I USED TO LOVE H.E.R.

Maurice Broaddus

LOCALLY GROWN, ORGANIC

Kat Howard

LET’S KEEP BURT GRIMSBY’S HEAD FROZEN!

Heather Lindsley

JEROME 3.0

Jason Gurley

HELP ME DESTROY CANNES!

Jonathan L. Howard

SAVE THE PHOTOPHOBIC HEMOGLOBIVORES WITH THE SANGUINE RESERVE!

Mur Lafferty

NOSFERATU, BRUTUS?

Scott Sigler

UPDATES

Vylar Kaftan & Shannon Prickett

YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE

Sylvia Spruck Wrigley

MECHANICAL ANIMALS

Brooke Bolander

KISMET™

Daniel H. Wilson

BRING ABOUT THE HALLOWEEN ETERNAL!!!

Seanan McGuire

Acknowledgments

Kickstarter Backers

About the Editors

Copyright Information

Also Edited by John Joseph Adams

Cover Design by Jason Gurley

Ebook Design by John Joseph Adams

INTRODUCTION

John Joseph Adams

Like the fictional crowdfunding projects depicted in these stories, this anthology itself was rather improbable. It was one of those ideas that just sort of struck as a bolt of inspiration, and it seemed so fun that I had no choice but to pursue it once it occurred to me. (Even though, at the time, I was super busy and the last thing I needed was another anthology on my plate!)

It all started when I was reading submissions for Lightspeed, the digital science fiction/fantasy short fiction magazine I edit. I came across a story by Keffy R.M. Kehrli called “HELP FUND MY ROBOT ARMY!!!” which was told in the form of a fictional Kickstarter pitch. My first thought when I read the story was: This story is really funny. My second thought was: I should build an anthology around it. My third thought was: Obviously the anthology should be published via a crowdfunding campaign.

So I bought the story for Lightspeed and then, with Keffy’s permission, built an anthology around it, and thus HELP FUND MY ROBOT ARMY!!! and Other Improbable Crowdfunding Projects was born. And, as I mentioned, once I conceived of the idea for the book, it was obvious that it was a project that would have to be funded via Kickstarter. (Because how meta and cool is that?) So in October 2013, we launched our campaign to fund the project. We went into it seeking $6,000, and ended up raising more than $11,000, or 185% of our funding goal. Thanks so much to all of you who backed the project and made the anthology possible.

And so what does it mean exactly to tell a story in the form of a fictional crowdfunding pitch? Well, the stories all use the components (and restrictions) of the standard crowdfunding format to tell the story. This includes but is not limited to: Project Goals, Rewards, User Comments, Project Updates, FAQs, and more. The idea was to replicate the feel of reading a crowdfunding pitch, so that even though these projects may be preposterous in the real world, they feel like authentic crowdfunding projects as much as possible.

In an effort to lend more of that feeling of verisimilitude to the project, we also tried to make the formatting of the stories resemble crowdfunding projects in every way we could think of. We were somewhat limited by the constraints of ebook formatting standards, but we’re quite happy with the results and we think you will be too. (For more about the formatting, please see the “Formatting Note” following this introduction.)

We ended up with thirty-three stories—thirty-two never-before-published tales, plus a reprint of Keffy’s eponymous story that inspired the book—covering a wide spectrum of styles and themes. The stories range from comedies like Jonathan Howard’s “Help Me Destroy Cannes!” or Veronica Belmont’s “CatAssassins!” to dystopian tales such as Jake Kerr’s “A Memorial to the Patriots”; to satires, like Kat Howard’s “Locally Grown, Organic”; to spacefaring tales such as Andrew Penn Romine’s “The Spirit of Mars” or Sylvia Spruck Wrigley’s “You Only Live Once”; to the super-weird like Matt Williamson’s “So Juicy Transforming Strips”; to somber tales of love and loss such as Carmen Maria Machado’s “Help Me Follow My Sister Into the Land of the Dead.”

So if what you’ve always been looking for in a Kickstarter—and couldn’t find—was a project that allowed you to protect yourself from spoilers, buy wishes, find lost objects, or support a wildlife preserve for supernatural creatures, then HELP FUND MY ROBOT ARMY!!! and Other Improbable Crowdfunding Projects may be just the thing you’ve been looking for.

FORMATTING NOTE

John Joseph Adams

If you’ve already read the introduction, backed our crowdfunding campaign, read the cover copy, or, heck, even the title of the book, then you probably know that this is an anthology in which the authors use the format of crowdfunding projects to tell their stories.

As such, the formatting is actually a very important part of the reading experience. I tried to replicate the look and feel of popular crowdfunding sites (mainly Kickstarter) as much as possible to help make each of these stories really feel like a crowdfunding pitch, even though they are all obviously fictional and, in most cases, highly improbable.

To present the “projects” properly in ebook format, I initially tried to employ some advanced ebook coding to achieve the desired result. If all ebook devices rendered code the same way, you would be reading a very different book. (Formatting-wise, at least.) But since some ebook readers decided to change how they parse code in the middle of the design process—I'm looking at you Kindle for iOS—in the end I had to simplify the coding more than I had planned, and so the layout is not quite as fancy as I had hoped to present.

All that said, if you do have any trouble reading this ebook due to the formatting issues mentioned above, please email the editor/publisher, John Joseph Adams (i.e., me), at johnjosephadams@gmail.com, and I will attempt to provide you with an alternate version of the ebook that will display properly on your device. When you email me, just forward the receipt you got from whatever store you bought it from (Amazon, Kobo, etc.), and that’ll serve as proof of purchase.

Before you email me, though, if you think the formatting looks wonky on your device, please check your settings panel to make sure that you haven’t selected anything that says “Ignore Publisher Defaults” or the like. Most, if not all, ebook readers have such a setting. What that does is it forces the reader to ignore the CSS (cascading style sheets) of the ebook; while that’s fine for some ebooks, for a format-heavy ebook like this one (even in its current more simplified state), it would look really, really terrible. If you don’t have any such setting checked and it still looks wonky, then it might be time to email old J.J. and ask him for the “even-less-fancy” edition.

• • • •

Assuming the formatting is displaying properly, there’s just one bit of instruction I want to pass along.

All of the stories are presented as they would be on a crowdfunding page, so as you page through the story, it would be like scrolling down a Kickstarter page. Any time the story jumps to a different section of the crowdfunding project—like to the reward tiers, or to the project updates, or comments—you’ll see a “scene break” indicator in the form of four bullets, like the little dots right above this paragraph. That’s your cue that the story is jumping to a different section of the crowdfunding page.

Otherwise, the only other thing you might encounter that might cause you some vexation is that some of the projects have fake links to help replicate the feeling that the projects are online. Obviously those links don’t go anywhere, so don’t try to click them. (I mean, go ahead, but they don't go anywhere. They’re just pretty decoration!)

I think that’s about all the instruction I’ve got for you, so I’ll just step out of the way and let you get to it; those fake projects won’t fake back themselves!

DISCLAIMER

This is a work of fiction and parody. Names, companies, services, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the authors’ imaginations or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

HELP FUND MY ROBOT ARMY!!!

Keffy R.M. Kehrli

Keffy R.M. Kehrli is a science fiction and fantasy writer currently living in Seattle. Although his degrees are in physics and linguistics, he spends most of his time in a basement performing molecular biology experiments for fun and profit. In 2008, he attended Clarion UCSD where he learned that, unfortunately, rattlesnakes don’t always rattle. His short fiction has appeared in publications such as Apex Magazine, Fantasy, and Escape Pod, among others. He is also an editor and slush reader for Shimmer magazine.

HELP FUND MY ROBOT ARMY!!!

by Doctor Crushamous

Funding Unsuccessful. This project reached the deadline without achieving its funding goal on September 30.

81
backers

$6,655
pledged of $40,000,000,000

0
seconds to go

HELP FUND MY ROBOT ARMY so I can crush your hopes and dreams by making my own come true!

Project Goals

As late as ten years ago, a mad scientist with a dream could expect to turn a decent profit with his lesser inventions and build enough capital to put his (or her!) real plans into play.

Those days are sadly over, although my father, fool that he was, claimed that they never existed. You knew him as Doctor Cetaceaux, at least up until last year, when his orca henchmen, fed-up with being paid in inferior tuna, turned on him. Oh, how he screamed as they tossed him around like a stringy, bony seal . . . but that’s neither here nor there. He claimed that he and my mother were quite poor back in the day, and that it has always been difficult for new talent to get a start. NONSENSE! Absolute nonsense—why, when he was young, a handcrafted reverse-aging ray might make an enterprising scientist enough money to live comfortably in an abandoned Alpine castle for several years. Now, such items are mass-produced by Beauticience Incorporated for a pittance.

I have been obsessed (moderately!) with robots from a very young age. According to my mother—who you would know as Doctor Electronautía—I was “accidentally” left in an android servicing center overnight at the tender age of four, and ever since that day I have been utterly uninterested in having any friends with disgusting, oozing, fleshy bodies. And why should I? Human children are squalling animals with no sense of style and no appreciation for genius. Their parents, of course, are worse.

The field of robotics is full of hacks, engineers with no creative impulse. Scientists who wouldn’t know ambition if it hit them in the face with a laser cannon. Well! I have spent the past twenty years designing my robot army—no machine out of place—to take over the world for my own nefarious purposes.

With this in mind, I am asking for $40,000,000,000 to pay for equipment, raw materials, rent for my secret lair, and a Playstation.

I have no doubt that you are wondering what I will do if—ah, though it is not “if” so much as “when”!—I surpass my initial funding goals. My stretch goals include a squad of “Steam Punk” robots, including gears, parasols, and gold inlay; a domed city to house survivors, surrounded by a moat complete with robot sharks to keep them safe; and a collection of plush versions of my most popular robot models.

You may be wondering why you should fund my creation of a robot army! I think that if you have this question it shows that you are thinking about everything all wrong! Consider this: What if I am unsuccessful and the next supergenius decides to make a robot army and is not so cheerful, friendly, and gracious as I am?

• • • •

Pledge $5 or more

2 backers

MY HEARTFELT THANKS. After I have taken over the world and repopulated most of it with my robotic creations, I will have your name written down somewhere.

Pledge $50 or more

60 backers

YOU WILL BE SPARED. (Probably.)

Pledge $125 or more

17 backers

YOU AND YOUR THREE CLOSEST FRIENDS WILL BE SPARED. (Probably.)

Pledge $200 or more

0 backers

RADIOACTIVE COOKIES! I will bake them, test them on several lab rats for suitable potency, and then ship at least a dozen right to your door. NOTE: To save on costs, they will be shipped as media mail and may take some time to reach you.

Pledge $1,000 or more

0 backers

BECOME A ROBOT FOR A DAY! I will use the funds from this project to find a way to upload human intelligences. You can spend your last happy day on Earth inside the robot of your choice before I return you to your inferior body and what remains of your miserable life.

Pledge $10,000 or more

0 backers

PERMANENT NEURAL UPLOAD. The future looks grim for humanity’s survivors! Even if enough people are willing to pledge $50 apiece that the species will survive, it will be a hard life of gardening, fending off wild animals, robot attacks, and terrible hygiene. With this reward, you will thrive in a new body. For an additional $5,000 pledge, I will even allow you to choose your design.

Pledge $100,000 or more

0 backers  LIMITED (1 left of 1)

CO-CONSPIRATOR! Together we will rule the world with iron fists, at least until I tire of you, at which point I suppose we’ll end up as arch enemies and do battle across the scarred surface of the planet. It should be fun while it lasts. In order to make our harmonious co-habitation more feasible, I have built bunk beds.

• • • •

Risks and Challenges

Clearly, the only major risks associated with this project involve what will happen if you choose not to fund it. However, I do appreciate your concern for my well-being. In general, I have experienced very little personal damage while building robots. Occasionally errors by my human staff have caused them to suffer from burns, radiation sickness, missing fingers, missing eyes, missing limbs, and paper cuts.

I do not anticipate any aspect of this project will prove truly challenging, as I have never failed to achieve my goals.

• • • •

Comments

THE REAL Dupliticus Jones on Sep 29, 2013

This is going to fail the same way (and for the same reasons) as the clone army project that imploded a few months back.

Lizbet Flashbang on Sep 29, 2013

Don’t you think you should start with something smaller? Like, maybe just ONE killer robot, instead of an entire army of them?

Hagfish McCarthy on Sep 29, 2013

I don’t understand why we had to sit through a memoir just to find out what he wants money for.

Dupliticus Jones on Sep 28, 2013

This is completely subverting the purpose of this website, asshole. The point of crowdfunding isn’t so that the super rich can enslave the masses, it’s so that people who aren’t independently wealthy can fund their projects! NOBODY FUND THIS. IT IS A SCAM.

Seamus Gearsworth on Sep 11, 2013

Don’t forget clocks for the steampunk robots!

• • • •

Update #1 • Sep 1, 2013

How will I spend the money?

I thought that this would be obvious, but apparently you people need me to spell it out for you. R.O.B.O.T. A.R.M.Y.

Update #2 • Sep 8, 2013

New reward tiers!

I am not opposed to criticism, no matter what you brain-dead malcontents might think. As a result, I have added some new reward tiers for those of you who think that being spared is NOT worth $50. (Oh, and won’t you be SORRY in a few months). The new tiers are as follows:

Pledge $20 or more

2 backers

AN 8X10 GLOSSY PHOTOGRAPH OF THE ROBOT OF YOUR CHOICE CRUSHING THE SKULL OF YOUR WORST ENEMY. UNLESS your enemy has already pledged $50, in which case you have the option of choosing your second worst enemy. NOTE: If you have not also pledged $50 to be spared, I will instruct my Death Bots to allow at least 10 minutes for appreciation of your backer reward prior to your inevitable death. Please add $15 for international shipping.

Pledge $1500 or more

1 backers

CHOOSE A LANDMARK TO BE DESTROYED. Is there a building or monument that you find to be in particularly bad taste? With this reward, you will be allowed to direct one demolition. Restrictions: None of my current or future holdings are included in the list of eligible landmarks, nor is the World’s Largest Rubber Stamp for reasons that should need no explanation.

Pledge $2,000 or more

0 backers  LIMITED (1000 left of 1000)

FIRST CHOICE OF NEW LIVING QUARTERS. While you can potentially survive the destruction of all you hold dear for far less money, mere survival is unlikely to be any fun! At this reward tier, you will be first in line for a choice of premium living cubes within my domed city. Make your friends jealous!

Pledge $5,000 or more

0 backers

BECOME A ROBOT TECHNICIAN. While the rest of your friends and family are sitting around unemployed and bemoaning their fates, you will have a full time job maintaining my robot army.

IN ADDITION: All tiers above the $50 mark will now include the $50 reward and I will spare your life.

Update #3 • Sep 23, 2013

This is not a scam!

Apparently, the owner of this website has been receiving complaints from the populace. The complaints, as far as I can tell based on several open letters, are simply that I am tricking innocent people into giving me money.

I assure you! This is no scam! It is the best way to ensure that you will survive the next ten years. Or months, depending on how quickly I’m able to move beyond the prototype stage. Simply because you do not wish to purchase additional months or years of life does not mean that you should prevent others from doing so!

It is absolutely ridiculous to claim that this is a scam! People are funding me of their own free will, and I assure you they will be satisfied with the results!

I am tired of being held back by petulant whiners with no drive to achieve their own goals. I will succeed! None of you can stop me now!

Update #4 • Sep 27, 2013

Please retweet!

Dear lovely backers! As you may have noticed, we are currently four days away from my deadline and have so far only raised a paltry $6,655. This is less than 0.000017% of my funding goal! I currently have access to your email addresses, which I can use to triangulate your location due to nefarious sciency techniques that I will not divulge in this missive. It is absolutely essential to your continued existence that you fund this project.

I have released several short documents on Twitter. I urge you to retweet them, especially if you happen to know someone famous.

Update #5 • Oct 1, 2013

SCREW YOU ALL!

I knew that it would be difficult to be recognized as the genius I am, but I did not think that my work would be SO disregarded!

Clearly not one of you understands my works of staggering genius! You would rather fund an entire run of tiny kitten Jacuzzis, but robots? The future? THE TRUE FUTURE, THE ONLY FUTURE OF HUMANITY? NO! NOTHING!

But I shall have the last laugh! I will build this army regardless, and when I return oh, how you will RUE the day you failed to contribute!

You have not heard the last of Doctor Crushamous!

FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY

Jeremiah Tolbert

Jeremiah Tolbert is a writer and web designer living in Northeast Kansas. His stories have previously appeared in publications such as Lightspeed Magazine, Way of the Wizard, and Asimov’s. He’s an avid watcher of television and films, and has completely given up on avoiding spoilers.

Spoilerfree: A Device for 21st Century Entertainment Living

by Memory Palace Renovators, Inc.

Funding Suspended. Funding for this project was suspended 1 day ago.

499
backers

$127,000
pledged of $250,000

A brain-altering device and app for dealing with an all-too-common problem of television and film spoilers. With our device, you can live a SpoilerFree life and enjoy the media you consume without concern.

The SpoilerFree Plan

How many of us have lived through this situation on both sides?

Friend: Man, I still can’t believe how they killed Walt’s dog in the season finale of Breaking Bad.

You: But . . . we’re still watching the first season on DVD. You’re a big jerk!

Friend: The show’s been over for a year! It’s not my fault you’re slow at TV.

You: We are no longer friends!

Friend: Fine! By the way, I slept with your husband and/or wife!

You: YOU WHAT? Now I have no reason to live. Please excuse me while I kill myself.

Friend: Oh no! My friend is dead. This never would have happened if he or she had just backed the SpoilerFree Crowdfunder project!

It’s kind of amazing that any of us have any friends left at all thanks to spoilers, isn’t it?

Spoilers ruin lives and end friendships, and until now, there hasn’t been anything we could do about them but live with the horrible consequences.

If we meet our goals for SpoilerFree, these ruined relationships will be a relic of a primitive era, like manual transmissions or Jay Leno.

How The SpoilerFree Device Works

Simply place the neural harness on your head and adjust the straps until it is comfortably snug and the electrode pads are as close as possible to your scalp; for maximum effectiveness, please shave your head. If we meet our first stretch goal, you will also have the option of applying our special conductive gel to the electrode pads.

Next, press the green button on the control pad or your Bluetooth-enabled mobile device running our SpoilerFree app. Now, think of the thing that you want to forget—really picture it, the outrage and indignation, and the smug arrogance of the person who ruined everything. Now press the red button and keep trying to remember the spoiler. When the device has scrubbed all traces of that enjoyment-sapping experience from your head, it will play a pleasant chime.

And that’s it. It’s really that simple. Our prototype has been thoroughly tested and safeguards in our application’s software will ensure that you don’t forget anything important like your spouse’s name or the smell of lavender.

The Science Behind SpoilerFree

Promise you won’t get weirded out?

We’ve taken the revolutionary work done by the McGill University and Canadian Institute of Neurosciences, Mental Health, and Addiction in Montreal and iterated on their initial results to build a much more powerful device, utilizing a combination of basic electroencephalography and targeted electromagnetic pulses at the memory centers associated with spoilers.

The process of recalling a memory is called “memory reconsolidation.” Basically, when you remember something, your brain actually removes the memory from storage in order to interact with it, then re-writes it when done. SpoilerFree interrupts that process—specifically synaptic consolidation, which is why SpoilerFree is best used within a few hours of the spoiler event—preventing the memories from being saved again. Basically, our brains delete our “memory files” in the process of interacting with them, moving them into our “brain RAM.” A quick jolt to the right set of synapses puts a stop to reconsolidation, and just like that, you’re unburdened of that horrible, horrible knowledge.

It’s a little more complicated than that, but we don’t want to bore you with the details, and some of them are trade secrets we’re not able to share at this time.

Who We Are

Doctor John Figero

John has a PhD in Neurobiology from Stanford under Dr. Uel McMahan. SpoilerFree is a direct product of his post-doctoral work. John brings vision and critical expertise to this project. Also, donuts whenever he is late.

Lena Wong (That’s me!)

I graduated eight years ago from MIT at the top of my class (can’t even call that one a humblebrag), and was recruited heavily by Google, Apple, and Microsoft. I’ve done stints with Apple and Google developing hardware, but I’m still confined by NDAs and so I can’t go into details. Suffice to say you might just be carrying around some of my work in your pocket!

John and I met in a coffee shop in Berkley when he accidentally spilled an entire mocha on my keyboard, ruining six hours of work. For a genius-level scientist, he’s a bit of a klutz. After accepting his apology, we discovered that we were both avid social media users and fans of Game of Thrones. It wasn’t long before we were complaining to each other about spoilers, and then John said the fateful words:

“You know, I have this idea . . .”

• • • •

Pledge $50 or more

300 backers LIMITED (0 left of 300)

JUST A TASTE. This offer is available to backers in the Bay Area only. If you support at this level, we will schedule a time where you can stop by our lab and experience SpoilerFree firsthand! This backing level is limited to 300 backers.

Pledge $500 or more

74 backers

THE REAL DEAL: SPOILERFREE EARLY ADOPTER KIT. At this level, you’ll receive one of the very first SpoilerFree kits, fresh out of the shipping container from Longhua. You will also receive a code to download the mobile app for free! You may also receive the benefits of the Just a Taste level, but you must pay for your own transportation if not in the Bay Area.

Pledge $1000 or more

75 backers LIMITED (0 left of 75)

EARLY BIRD DEVELOPER KIT. At this level, you’ll gain everything above as well as early access to our APIs and documentation so you can be one of the very first to start developing alternative uses for SpoilerFree. We anticipate there will be a lot of neurohacking possibilities although again we must state that the SpoilerFree device will be sold FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY. What you do with it after you receive it, though, is not something we can control, of course. Update: I have been informed that we must strike that last sentence from the website, so consider it struck. ;)

• • • •

FAQ

This is totally going to fry my brain, right?

Definitely not! We have extensively tested SpoilerFree on over three hundred Alpha Adopters, all of whom have been carefully monitored for side effects. The effect is targeted and minor, and we’re confident that there are no long-term effects, as our product has been in testing for two years now. The only side-effect we have logged is a tendency to smell fresh citrus for a few minutes after the operation is complete, and the occasional 2-3 word vocabulary loss. It will be up to you whether or not you consider such a loss, uh . . . what’s another word for “okay?” A quick search says, “acceptable” would be the appropriate word here. And just like that, I’ve restored the loss! See, nothing to worry about.

What if I think of something other than a spoiler when using SpoilerFree? Can it make me forget that too?

We recommend you use the SpoilerFree neural harness ONLY for spoilers. Safeguards are in place to constrain the size of a memory, and if the application detects too large of a brain region being triggered by the memory recall, it will enter failsafe mode and only work once you are working to remove a memory utilizing a smaller number of synapses.

Why not use SpoilerFree for something more important, like those who have suffered extreme psychological trauma?

That would be a medical use, which would require our device to go through extensive FDA testing, and it might require years of testing. Even after all that time, politics might keep SpoilerFree from the market. And between you and me, the FDA is crooked as politician with scoliosis.

For the sake of our lawyers, let’s be absolutely clear: while SpoilerFree will be a 100% open source piece of hardware, we will be selling it FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY.

Literally and figuratively. See our Legal FAQ on the SpoilerFree website for more information.

• • • •

Risks and Challenges

Because we are just two people working out of a garage in California, there are some concerns you should note before backing our kickass project. While James does have a PhD in Neurology and I have worked extensively with tech companies like Apple as a hardware developer, neither of us have tackled the creation of a company altogether. However, we have an anonymous angel investor who is providing considerable consulting expertise on the nuts and bolts of business. This investor has fronted us the funds for development and testing. We need YOUR help in funding manufacturing and marketing. Unfortunately we are not able to reveal the identity of our silent investor at this time, but you have our assurance that they have limited involvement on the development side.

Thanks to my contacts, we have manufacturing lined up in China that should scale well with demands. James and I have extensively tested the SpoilerFree device with over three hundred Alpha Adopters, who, working with their primary care physicians, have demonstrated no unusual side effects. That said, significant success of the project may delay delivery of the final project to some backers.

We feel we should also mention the risk that the FDA will attempt to shut down manufacturing, but we have invested some of our initial seed money in securing a retainer with Bright, Young, and Dawson, a very well-respected tech industry law firm based in San Francisco. Initial consultations with them have given us the confidence that we can launch our product with your help.

• • • •

Update #1 • Apr 1

Stretch Goals

We’ve decided to add some stretch goals, so get ready!

$750,000 - I’ve been tinkering with a special conductive gel formula, and at this level, we’ll put it into production and add sixteen fluid ounces of awesome to each backer’s kit.

$850,000 - We’ll expand all kits to include a stylish faux-leather carrying case so you will never be without your SpoilerFree. You never know when some thoughtless jerk at work or in the supermarket checkout line is going to decide to talk about last night’s game, which of course you had to Tivo because you had a sick baby and/or stay late to finish writing that report for the boss. Why are people such insensitive jerks?!

$1,000,000 - If we reach this goal, and we think we might just, we will be able to extend the window of time between spoiling and utilizing the device. Right now, SpoilerFree works best within a 30 minute window, but with your backing, we think we can get that up to 60 minutes within the year. This will be a firmware update, so if you back now, your early adopter kits will be automatically updated.

$2,500,000 - First of all, we’ll buy an inexpensive bottle of champagne and drink it until we giggle. Once we sober up, we’ll add the special Taster mode, which will allow you to forget the tastes of foods by tasting them and activating SpoilerFree. Imagine it! Taste ice cream again for the first time any time you like. This is just a hint of the things to come from Memory Palace Renovators, Inc.!

$25,000,000 - We’ll fund a second Firefly movie with the stipulation that Wash didn’t actually die! (Just kidding!)

Update #2 • Apr 2

Sorry!

John Figero here. See, there’s no such thing as a statute of limitations on spoilers. I apologize for the poorly-thought-out humor in the previous update. Lena apologizes too, but she’s busy coding so I’ve stepped in on the updates. Just imagine—pretty soon, this will never happen again thanks to SpoilerFree. Thanks again for your support.

• • • •

Comments

Lou Frenkel on April 1

Is this for real? Wow!

C. Patel on April 1

Welcome, to the internet, Lou. You have never heard of this? It’s an old one!

Bear Weiter on April 1

I could have sworn I bought one of these a couple of years ago, but I guess not!

W. Einerstein on April 1

Come on, Crowdfundr. I know it’s April Fools, but I feel bad laughing at them. You guys should have never let this one go up. It stopped being funny last time, I think.

Creator Lena Wong on April 1

We don’t really know what you’re talking about, sorry!

Bear Weiter on April 2

Okay, they’re clearly not going to take it down, so I guess it’s up to me to “spoil” this one for everybody new to the site.

Lena Wong and Dr. John Figero really did invent SpoilerFree and it did kind of work. And they really did start a fund for it, but they forget every few days, because, well, their brains are FRIED.

See, the whole thing works on the same principle as electroshock therapy! That’s right, you shock yourself in the brain with their device and it can make you forget stuff. They did most of their testing on themselves and a few volunteers. This was a huge scandal five or six years ago, which I guess is centuries ago in Internet Time. Anyway, these two are just batshit crazy now. Apparently someone thinks it’s funny to give them internet access so they can relive how it all fell apart on them. The FDA shut it down last time before it got too far. The brain damage part came out later.

Alice Waters on April 2

I feel kind of bad for them. What I heard is that their psychologists let them do this because they’re hoping they’ll start to form new synapses and break out of the loop they’re stuck in.

Bear Weiter on April 2

If that’s the case, then I feel bad too. I do follow the work others are doing and there’s some hope that SpoilerFree will become a reality some day, but they were unfortunately ahead of their time.

Creator Lena Wong on April 3

Is this supposed to be a joke? It’s not very funny at all. SpoilerFree is a brand new idea, and the time for it has certainly come!

4Chan Awesome on April 3

CHANGE THE CHANEL MOM I SEEN THIS ONE ALREADY

DeShawn Witt on April 3

There are still pending lawsuits against Wong and Figero by the families of their test subjects, so this is really not a good idea to dig this up now.

Michelle Atkins on April 3

You guys are mean. WONG AND FIGERO ARE HEROES! At least they tried to do something about this problem which is very very real!

Billy McTrollerstein on April 4

SNAPE KILLS DUMBLDOR!!!1

Bear Weiter on April 4

Sigh. It was a flawed idea anyway. The burden of correction should be on the spoilers, not the spoilees. What we really need is a device that can kill trolls through the internet.

Creator Lena Wong on April 4

I’m starting to think that is a very good idea.

SITE ADMINISTRATOR on April 4

This project has been suspended. Comments are now closed.

ZERO G R&J

Mary Robinette Kowal

Mary Robinette Kowal is the author of the novels Shades of Milk and Honey, Glamour in Glass, Without a Summer, and Valour and Vanity. In 2008 she won the Campbell Award for Best New Writer, and in 2011, her short story “For Want of a Nail” won the Hugo Award for Short Story. Her work has been a finalist for the Hugo, Nebula, and Locus awards. Stories have appeared in Strange Horizons, Asimov’s, and several Year’s Best anthologies as well as in her collection Scenting the Dark and Other Stories from Subterranean Press.

Mary, a professional puppeteer and voice actor, has performed for LazyTown (CBS), the Center for Puppetry Arts, Jim Henson Pictures, and founded Other Hand Productions. Her designs have garnered two UNIMA-USA Citations of Excellence, the highest award an American puppeteer can achieve. She also performs as a voice actor, recording fiction for authors such as Kage Baker, Cory Doctorow, and John Scalzi.

Mary lives in Chicago with her husband Rob and over a dozen manual typewriters. Visit maryrobinettekowal.com.

Romeo and Juliet . . . in SPACE!

by Other Hand Productions, in collaboration with NASA

Funded! This project was successfully funded on Mar 11.

81,499

Backers

$3,403,254

Pledged of $540,000

0
seconds to go

NASA’s artist-in-residence program experiments with zero-G puppetry. David Tennant & Mary Robinette Kowal perform in space!

About the Project

Romeo and Juliet is perhaps the best known and most frequently adapted of Shakespeare’s plays with productions appearing all around the world. But one place Romeo and Juliet has never been adapted for is the weightless environment of space.

The idea to perform Romeo and Juliet in a weightless environment was sparked by the phrase “star-crossed lovers.” Puppeteer Mary Robinette Kowal originally conceived of the idea for a production of Romeo and Juliet that explored weightlessness in 1993. But at that time, the technology within her reach that most closely approximated the concept was kites. Though interesting, the weather made performance too unpredictable.

In 2005, she revisited the idea when she read about NASA’s artist-in-residence program and realized that zero-g offered manipulation possibilities that would be unthinkable on Earth. She said, “You’re always fighting gravity. Most of the physical effort of a puppeteer is just holding the thing up. As a builder, I’m always trying to lighten the weight so that puppeteer can put more of their effort into acting and less into being a support structure. Weightlessness? It opens new worlds of possibilities.”

The artist-in-residence program covers the training of the puppeteers, but the performers will also require a substantial amount of rehearsal time to prepare for the flight as well as needing a team to build the puppets themselves. While some of the rehearsal can be done in an Earth-normal gravity field, other aspects have to be tested in zero-G, which will require several sub-orbital flights. If our performers get into space and discover that a puppet does not work as planned, there is no way to easily return to the workshop for repairs.

The Jim Henson Foundation has given a generous seed grant. However, it will not cover the full cost of producing Zero-G R&J, even in a stripped down production. This is largely due to the size and weight limits on the puppets in order to meet payload requirements. Puppetry has always been on the cutting edge of new materials, as builders strive to produce lighter and more durable puppets. While much of the technology already exists, the costs are significant. There are additional factors that will require research and development in order to create a cast of characters that pack down into an 18” box.

Who is involved?

Our award-winning team comes from several different disciplines. Using state-of-the-art technology, combined with historic techniques, we will create the entire cast of Romeo and Juliet.

Jodi Eichelberger (Scriptwriter)

Mr. Eichelberger is a puppeteer, writer, director, and composer with credits on the television series LazyTown, the Tony award-winning musical Avenue Q on Broadway, and Jim Henson Pictures.

Mary Robinette Kowal (Performer)

Ms. Kowal is a professional puppeteer and voice actor, has performed for LazyTown (CBS), the Center for Puppetry Arts, Jim Henson Pictures, and is the founder of Other Hand Productions. Her designs have garnered two UNIMA-USA Citations of Excellence, the highest award an American puppeteer can achieve.

David Tennant (Performer)

Best known for his roles on television (including the iconic SciFi series Dr. Who), in his early career Mr. Tennant worked as a puppeteer for Mr. Mulligan’s Travelling Show touring to schools in Scotland and Northern England. He went on to train at the Royal Scottish Academy of Music and Drama and has performed with the Royal Shakespeare Company.

Risks and Challenges

Death. When you back this Kickstarter, please understand that it involves strapping two puppeteers to a large rocket and shooting them into airless space to make art. The possibility exists that things could go horribly wrong and that they might not return to Earth. Seriously. You should see the waivers they had to sign.

• • • •

Pledge $1 or more

5938 backers

Don’t have much money, but want to see puppets in space? You’ll have our thanks and receive backer updates throughout the project.

Pledge $10 or more

8423 backers

We’ll send you a scanned pdf of the script with David’s and Mary’s blocking notes written in. PLUS you’ll receive backer updates throughout the project.

Pledge $25 or more

7510 backers

You’ll receive a limited edition Zero-G R&J t-shirt, plus the pdf and the behind-the-scenes backer updates.

Pledge $50 or more

34227 backers

You’ll receive a pdf of the patterns for the Romeo puppet, the t-shirt, plus the pdf and the behind-the-scenes backer updates.

Pledge $50 or more

23227 backers

You’ll receive a pdf of the patterns for the Juliet puppet, the t-shirt, plus the pdf and the behind-the-scenes backer updates.

Pledge $75 or more

1865 backers

You’ll receive everything listed above, plus you’ll receive the official “Zero-G R&J” poster.

Pledge $200 or more

249 backers  LIMITED (1 left of 250)

You’ll receive a copy of the poster signed by the cast, plus the t-shirt, the pdf of the shooting script, and regular updates.

Pledge $750 or more

50 backers  All gone!

Receive the signed poster, the t-shirt, the pdf of the shooting script, regular updates AND attend the last terrestrial rehearsal of Zero-G R&J

Pledge $2,500 or more

10 backers  All gone!

Receive the signed poster, the t-shirt, the pdf of the shooting script, regular updates AND attend the launch of our cast into space.

• • • •

Update #1 • Feb 11

What an amazing first day!

Thank you all for being so supportive. When we sat down to do the math, the amount of money required to just rehearse the show was mind-numbing. Thanks to you all, we made that goal on the first day. And that means . . . It’s time for stretch goals!

First up! We’ll be able to add lights to the production. This will involve paying for another crate to go with us. The lights themselves are only $1000, but the shipping . . . That’s another $30,000. See our full array of stretch goals on the main Kickstarter page here.

Update #2 • Feb 19

The Tall Man

We have had a conversation with NASA and it appears that a problem has developed with our casting. There is a height restriction on the Soyez capsule that we will be traveling in and it will not accommodate anyone taller than 183 centimeters. Unfortunately, Mr. Tennant is 185.42 centimeters. After a great deal of back and forth, and we regret to inform you that he has had to withdraw from the production.

He will be replaced by Michael Schupback, an extremely talented puppeteer from the award-winning puppet company the Puppet Kitchen. Michael is a freelance designer, builder, and supervisor with over eleven years experience in the field of television and movie production.

Update #3 • Feb 20

The Stars, Our Destination

Due to the large number of canceled pledges resulting from our casting news, we will no longer be able to have lights in the production. But we’ll have the stars, which should be all the lighting we need.

Update #4 • Feb 21

Spread the Word

Due to the increasing number of canceled pledges, we are once again below our funding goal. Really, we do understand that you wanted to see Mr. Tennant in space. We did, too, but the show will still be amazing even without him. Those of you who are sticking with us, thank you. We are honored by your enthusiasm. Now . . . if you can help us by spreading the word, that would be great!

Update #5 • Feb 22

Yes. There is no David Tennant.

For those of you who missed the first update, David Tennant is no longer able to be involved in the production due to height restrictions of the Soyez capsule. This is not a “bait-and-switch.” It simply reflects the changing nature of the space program. Believe me, we had already started rehearsals and everyone is sad that Mr. Tennant won’t be joining us—him most of all.

The question has been raised about how this could have happened? Very simply, NASA never updated the artist-in-residence program’s website after the space shuttle program was discontinued, so it still listed the height requirements for the space shuttle rather than the Soyez capsule that is now in use.

We’re all very sorry about this unfortunate turn of events, but we think we can still stage a really great production . . . with your help!

Update #6 • Feb 23

Who do you want to see in space?

Apparently the last two updates were the first that some people had heard about the casting change and as a result we’ve had even more pledge cancellations. After consulting with NASA and the Jim Henson Foundation, we’re going to see if we can find a different celebrity to go into space with the show.

So who do you want to see performing Zero-G R&J? Remember, they have to be under 183 centimeters and weigh no more than 85 kg. Specifically: Who would you pay money to see perform in space? Tell us in the comments!

Update #7 • Feb 24

Think small!

Nathan Fillion is too tall. Idris Elba is too tall. Tom Hiddleston is too tall. Christopher Eccleston, too tall. Likewise Chris Evans, Neil deGrasse Tyson, George Clooney, and Benedict Cumberbatch. Just as a reminder, the height requirements are absolutely immutable! The performer must be under 183 centimeters and less than 85 kg mass.

Update #8 • Feb 25

Could be a Contender

I’m happy to report that after discarding the suggestions that are not within the height requirements, we have some contenders and are approaching their agents now. Fingers crossed that one will accept!

Update #9 • Feb 27

Introducing our New Cast Member!

Success! While I will admit that I had not envisioned Romeo and Juliet with this pairing, his extensive background in martial arts, and more specifically his early training in Chinese opera make our new cast member an excellent choice.

I’m pleased to report that our show now includes Jackie Chan, in space!

Update #10 • Mar 1

Rehearsals Begin

Thank you to all our contributors who have once again helped this project exceed its funding goals in record time. Mr. Chan and Mrs. Kowal are en route to NASA for their extensive physical evaluations and then to begin their training. They will combine that with their puppetry rehearsals and we’ll post pictures on a regular basis.

Update #11 • Mar 4

Ah, irony.

Mr. Chan—who has survived falling off buildings, trains, and automobiles in his long career—has, unfortunately, torn a tendon in his thumb while working a puppet that weighs less than a pound. The resulting damage will require surgery to repair and the physical therapy to get him back up to performance speed will cause him to miss the flight window. On the advice of his doctors, he has withdrawn from the production. We are approaching one of the other actors from your list and, yes, fixing the control mechanism that caused the injury.

Please, please do not cancel your pledges yet! Give us time to get this sorted!

Update #12 • Mar 6

Star-power

Due to the difficulty in finding an actor on the male end of the spectrum with the sufficient “star-power” to appeal to funders, we decided to switch tactics and look for an actor on the female side of the spectrum, largely for height reasons.

Taking a recommendation from Mr. Chan, we approached Michelle Yeoh to fly with us. Given her credentials in Memoirs of a Geisha and Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, I think you will all agree that she will be an amazing addition!

Update #13 • Mar 8

Non-binary

Okay . . . first of all, there is nothing wrong with “chicks kissing.” Shakespeare, in the original, was performed by an all male cast, so Romeo and Juliet’s tender caresses were originally same sex. But, thanks to all those who posted homophobic rants in the comments of our last update, the project got some much-needed national attention.

Second, in pretty much every puppet play in the history of ever, you wind up with cross-gender casting at some point, simply because you run out of hands. In a play with this many characters, our original cast was, in fact, going to be performing cross-gender roles. You give the role to the performer who is available.

Here—I can write all the words I want, but let me show you a clip from rehearsals. Go ahead. Tell me that those puppets and their cross-gender non-binary casting don’t move you. It’s only two minutes of your time. I’ll wait.

Update #14 • Mar 9

Joss Whedon to direct!

You are beautiful people. The entire team is incredibly grateful for the out-pouring of support over the past week.

Our rehearsal video went viral, thanks to you, and as we enter the final countdown of the Kickstarter, we’ve raised enough money that we’ll have lights, an original score, and . . . JOSS WHEDON will be coming in to direct our final rehearsals before lift-off.

He should be a natural, don’t you think? No puppetry experience, but he’s good with scripts where everybody dies.

Thank you all!

Update #15 • Mar 10

Buried Lede

Perhaps we should have mentioned Joss Whedon sooner.

Update #16 • Mar 11

FUNDING ACHIEVED!

FUNDING ACHIEVED! And the Kickstarter is officially closed with lights, music, a graphic novel, AND Joss Whedon as director. Again, thank you all so much!

Two of the sweet’st companions in the world.

The benediction of these covering heavens

Fall on their heads like dew! for they are worthy

To inlay heaven with stars.

—Shakespeare

A MEMORIAL TO THE PATRIOTS

Jake Kerr

Jake Kerr began writing short fiction in 2010 after fifteen years as a music and radio industry columnist and journalist. His first published story, “The Old Equations,” appeared in Lightspeed and went on to be named a finalist for the Nebula Award and the Theodore Sturgeon Memorial Award. He has subsequently been published in Fireside Magazine, Escape Pod, and the Unidentified Funny Objects anthology of humorous SF. A graduate of Kenyon College with degrees in English and Psychology, Kerr studied under writer-in-residence Ursula K. Le Guin and Peruvian playwright Alonso Alegria. He lives in Dallas, Texas, with his wife and three daughters.

A Memorial To The Patriots

by Andreas Villencz

Funding Suspended. Funding for this project was suspended 1 day ago.

325

Backers

$47,200
pledged of $50,000 goal

Help fund A Memorial to the Patriots, a marble monument in Baton Rouge to the valiant and brave defenders of Houston, who lost their lives to the terrorist insurgency forces last year.

Official Note

This project has been approved by the Domestic Security Agency as not being a wartime risk. Participants have been pre-approved for a waiver to publicly discuss war-related topics, but only as necessary to further this project.

About the Project

The images of the terrorist attacks on Houston still haunt us: The policeman holding the dying child; the buildings in rubble; Colonel Davis—“the Hero of Houston”—pulling and leading countless children to safety while he ignored his own injuries; the dead animals that lined the roads after the water supply was poisoned. There were so many tragedies that day.

But there were also many heroes. This project is about honoring them.

The funds will go toward installing a monument to the defenders of Houston in downtown Baton Rouge. There are similar monuments in other cities, and the participants feel that it is their patriotic and moral duty to honor these men and women in similar fashion in Baton Rouge. Reaching our stretch goals will help fund monuments in other cities.

About the Project Coordinator

Andreas Villencz was in Houston while the horrific attacks took place. His experiences there forever changed him, and while continuing his education in Political Science at Loyola University he was filled with the desire to thank those that helped save others. Villencz approached long-time friend and artist Chris Handel with the idea of a string of memorials across the country, and the project was born.

About the Project Consultant

Josef Harte was a professor of Political Science at Rice University in Houston during the terrorist attacks. He was subsequently hired by Loyola University to fill the newly-created position of Professor of Contemporary History. He is a world-renowned expert on the Houston Attacks.

About the Artist

Chris Handel gained attention after winning the National Patriotic Art Competition for her piece, “Houston,” a large, 6’x6’ abstract expressionist rendering of the pain of the patriots who suffered that day, painted in her own blood. It currently hangs in the Capital Rotunda. While she is best known for her work as a painter, she was trained at the University of Houston as a sculptor, and she will bring her keen view of tragedy as seen in “Houston” to the marble she has chosen as her medium for the memorial.

• • • •

Pledge $100 or more

312 backers

An autographed print of Handel’s “Houston.” Note: We have been given a waiver, and thus the print does not count against wartime paper rations.

Pledge $500 or more

12 backers

Your name will be inscribed as a backer on a plaque near the monument.

Pledge $10,000 or more

1 backer

An all-expenses paid trip to the unveiling ceremony. (The DSA has guaranteed an expedited interstate travel approval process for backers from outside of Louisiana). New reward! A unique art piece created for you by renowned patriotic artist Chris Handel.

• • • •

Risks and Challenges

This project has been pre-approved by the Domestic Security Agency, so the standard risk of the National Security Board canceling the project post-funding is NEGLIGIBLE.

Other risks include:

Failure to procure the land for the memorial after the funds are raised. The Project Coordinator is in discussion with the government of Baton Rouge, and we are confident that this risk is SMALL.

Failure of Handel to complete the piece. We consider this risk SMALL, and have plans to approach alternate artists if this does take place.

Unforeseen circumstances. During wartime there is always the possibility of disruption or other unforeseen challenges. We consider this risk MODERATE but also have multiple contingency plans in place for various scenarios.

• • • •

Update #1 • April 27, 2028

Thank You, DSA!

We want to profusely thank the Domestic Security Agency for their support of this project. That we haven’t seen any terrorist or insurgent attacks since Houston is a testament to the aggressive steps they have taken to ensure our safety. The next time you see a DSA drone, remember to salute! It’s the same sentiment we’re trying to embrace for this project—honoring those that died protecting us. We open for pledges tomorrow, and I could not be prouder of what this project is all about.

—Andreas

• • • •

Comments

Joe Bradshaw on April 27

So proud. God bless you.

I Remember on April 27

Couldn’t afford Level One but will pledge some money anyway. Thank you from Baton Rouge

Patriot Supporter on April 27

I’ve waited so long to say this publicly: I lost my wife and sister-in-law at Houston. They were in the American General Center blast. They deserve to be remembered for the heroes they were. Thank you so much for this, and thank you DSA for the discussion waiver. In war it is frustrating that so many positive voices can’t be heard due to the danger from the extremists. I will pledge at Level One, but you deserve more.

Creator Andreas Villencz on April 27

Folks, although we have a wartime waiver, let’s keep the comments on the project. The DSA are big supporters of this, but we don’t want to cross any lines.

• • • •

Update #2 • April 28, 2028

I Am Humbled and Thankful

AMAZING!! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

We are almost half-funded after one day. I just wanted to drop a quick note to say thanks so much! I’ll have a more substantive update on Monday. Let’s try to be 100% funded by then!

We can do this! Think of the patriots! We will honor our heroes!

—Andreas

• • • •

Comments

Uncle John on April 28

Not sure if you know this, but there was an article about your project in the local paper here in Baton Rouge.

Frances Gulliver on April 28

We can make this happen. :)

[Redacted by Domestic Security Agency] on April 28

[Comment deleted]

Col. James Davis on April 28

You have some gall “Concerned” posting a comment like that. “Freedom fighters” don’t poison reservoirs or kill children. You sound like just another weak and spoiled brat that doesn’t have the maturity to deal with things that are needed for YOUR safety.

I didn’t lose my leg in Houston dragging bleeding children from a collapsing building just to hear unthankful asses like you whining about things you can’t hope to understand and sympathizing with the terrorists who caused that suffering. You make me sick.

You want privacy? You want to avoid long lines on your vacation drives to the Grand Canyon? Well, let me tell you what your choice is: You can have those things, but you’ll have them when you’re dead. Because those are the types of things that will lead to the violence that will kill you and your loved ones.

I’ve seen it firsthand.

The good news is that the terrorists are routed. They can’t even organize or communicate thanks to those things that “Concerned” mentions. So we should all be thankful. All of us.

I am pledging to this not because I’m one of those honored but because of people like “Concerned” above who need to be reminded of what their ignorance leads to.

Creator Andreas Villencz on April 28

Oh my gosh, the Hero of Houston posted! I am so honored that you are taking part and am incredibly thankful for your sacrifice, Colonel Davis. And a reminder to others: The DSA will delete comments that are not related to this project, exceptions like Colonel Davis’s notwithstanding.

• • • •

Update #3 • May 1, 2028

Thoughts and Prayers

I am stunned. I don’t know what to say. My thoughts and prayers go out to the people of Baton Rouge. My God . . . I’ll never be able to forget the images of blinding light after blinding light, the horrific explosions that seemed to go on forever. How many died yesterday? I don’t think it has really sunk in yet.

—Andreas

• • • •

Comments for this project are now closed by order of the DSA.

• • • •

Update #4 • May 18, 2028

Some Important Changes to Announce

God bless the residents of Baton Rouge.

Obviously, given the events of April 29 we will need to change our project. Naturally, we considered canceling it, but Josef, Chris, and I felt that this would not honor either those that died in Houston or those that died in Baton Rouge. We want to honor our heroes, and we refuse to let the terrorists destroy such a noble and important goal. Otherwise they win.

We have talked this over with our representative of the DSA, and we have tentative approval to continue. Yes—our project is viewed that positively by them. However, there will be a few changes:

Comments are closed. Frankly, we were lucky to get the first waiver, but with the attack on Baton Rouge, any discussion of wartime items—including memorials—is just too dangerous.

The Level Three Reward Level has been rescinded due to the new travel restrictions put in place nationwide. It has been replaced by Chris Handel offering a unique art piece for the person pledging. This is an amazing reward, and we are incredibly thankful to Chris for this.

The deadline has been pushed back three weeks for obvious reasons.

And the biggest change, and the one that breaks my heart: We obviously cannot place our memorial to Houston in Baton Rouge, so we have decided to host the memorial in Shreveport. This is a much larger city, and our original funding levels would not cover the cost of procuring central property for the memorial, but—and here is the good news—the city of Shreveport has graciously donated part of their downtown park for the memorial.

The only stipulation is that we expand the work to include the patriots of Baton Rouge, which we will happily do. So this project lives, and it is now a memorial to the patriots and heroes of both Houston and Baton Rouge.

So thank you everyone. Thank you, DSA. Thank you city of Shreveport, and thank you supporters.

—Andreas

Update #5 • May 22, 2028

So Close!

Just a short update as we’ve been very busy, but I’m glad to announce that we are almost fully-funded! Being close, however, is not enough. We still need your help to make this wonderful memorial a reality, so tell your friends!

We will honor our heroes!

—Andreas

Update #6 • June 5, 2028

The Project Has Not Been Cancelled!

I know the project was listed as suspended for the past two weeks, but it is now back. I am not allowed to say more than that we were “under review” by the DSA after the chemical attack on Shreveport. And for those who used to live or know people who lived in Shreveport, my thoughts and prayers are with you.

After such a horrible Spring, it appears that things are finally returning to normal. For those who are uncertain, let me repeat what I was told by someone that I cannot identify: “Please continue. You’re doing good work. Don’t let an awful coincidence ruin what is a patriotic initiative.” He also repeated what we all know from the news—that the extremists have been thwarted and are retreating, and we should be confident about moving forward.

With this in mind, I’ll have an exciting update in two days.

—Andreas

Update #7 • June 7, 2028

Please Be Patient

We are delaying things while we wait for approval for something exciting. Please be patient!

—Andreas

Update #8 • June 19, 2028

Important and Exciting News!

I’m so sorry that this has taken so long, but I have good news: We have decided to place the memorial to honor our heroes in Dallas!

In addition, we will expand the monument to all the heroes and patriots who have lost their lives during the insurgency. Many thanks to our consultant Josef who assessed that the biggest and safest spot in the entire Southwest was also the logical new location for our monument. We had to wait a long time before we could get approval, but as we’ve seen every step of the way, the DSA really does support our patriots and wants to see this project move forward.

That said, I feel compelled to update our risks with the following notes:

The risk of unforeseen circumstances is now NEGLIGIBLE due to our new safer location.

The risk of procuring a location has increased to MODERATE due to building restrictions, public access limitations, and the nature of the large urban center we have chosen. This risk is offset by the support of our project by the DSA and our patriotic supporters.

The deadline has also been moved to August 11.

I hope you agree that these risks are small for such an important monument. I’ll provide a new update in two weeks.

—Andreas

NOTICE!

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I WANT TO BE A LIONESS

Chuck Wendig

Chuck Wendig is a novelist, screenwriter, and game designer. He’s the author of Blackbirds, Double Dead, and Dinocalypse Now, and is co-writer of the short film Pandemic, the feature film HiM, and the Emmy-nominated digital narrative Collapsus. He lives in Pennsylvania with his wife, a taco terrier, and a tiny human.

I Want to be a Lioness

by Mary-Ellen McLeod

Funded! This project was successfully funded on November 5.

121
backers

$2,935
pledged of $2,000

I need to be on the outside what I feel I am on the inside: a lioness.

Project Goals

God, I don’t know what I’m doing here. I’m a 40-year-old woman. I don’t even know how this works but my son said—

Well, I guess I should get to the point of this crowdsourcing exercise since I’m not doing a video (I don’t have a camera, sorry!).

I want to become a lioness.

A real one.

(I’ll rewind. Which isn’t a thing anyone does anymore, is it? Rewind.)

I was at a party last year. A New Year’s Eve party. The whole party was set up like a casino and you could go and play blackjack and poker and roulette.

My date—a not-so-gentlemanly gentleman—was in the kitchen making out with another woman up against the refrigerator.

I always hate how in romance novels people’s tongues are wrestling or getting shoved down throats and I always thought, nobody kisses like that. But here they were, kissing like that. And I thought, maybe that’s why.

I don’t kiss like that. She does.

He was a jerk anyway. Men can be horrible. I shouldn’t even be telling you this.

In the back was a table and a beautiful, zoftig woman sat there and she said she was a psychic and could tell me things about myself, and I was feeling lonely and a little drunk (the bubbles in Champagne turn me into a real goof) and I sat down about ten minutes before midnight and said, “Do me.” The woman explained she had lots of services to render like palm reading and Tarot cards, but then she noticed I’d been crying and she said I needed to discover my “power animal,” a spirit creature that represented me, and I said sure, not knowing what that meant.

She didn’t get out any cards or anything. She just looked at me. And held my hands. And I knew she was asking me questions though I guess it was the Champagne because I couldn’t tell you a single one or what my answers were. I felt like . . . it sounds crazy, but I felt like things shifted and moved inside of me, not really like puzzle pieces falling into place but like clouds parting with a sudden wind.

“Lioness.” That’s what she said. She said that I was a lioness.

I thanked her and tried to pay her but she said the party planners had already paid.

At midnight, I went and found the man I was with—Steve—and he was leading his new “friend” into the bedroom and he seemed surprised to see me and I smacked him across the face and I said “F— you!” and his shell-shocked look . . . I could’ve bottled it and sold it for a premium.

I felt like a lioness when I hit him.

But I haven’t felt that way since.

And I need to. I need to.

Because . . . I don’t want to get into my reasons but suffice to say they’re very good ones. I found a gentleman on Craigslist who said he has the requisite spellcasting ability—is that the term? Spellcasting? I think that’s how he put it—and who can help me transition into the lioness that I know that I truly am.

Please help me. Please help my family. Thanks for reading this.

• • • •

Pledge $5 or more

75 backers

My sincerest thanks. My son recommends I put up a blog about my experiences and I’ll thank you there, too.

Pledge $25 or more

30 backers

I’ll send a photo. I’ll autograph it, though I don’t know how. Maybe with my signature, but maybe with a pawprint? That would be pretty cool.

Pledge $50 or more

15 backers

My son has a GoPro camera and he’s going to record the transformation and, hopefully, put the camera on me and we’ll record what I see and do. Only backers at this level will gain access to the video.

Pledge $500 or more

1 backer

We can take a series of photos together. Imagine—you posing with a real lioness (who used to be a hausfrau from the Philadelphia suburbs but you don’t have to tell people that part if you don’t want!).

Pledge $1000 or more

0 backers LIMITED: (5 left of 5)

Name a target. I will hunt and harass them in my lioness form.

• • • •

Risks and Challenges

I’m scared.

And none of you know me. I’m not a game designer. I’m not opening a restaurant. I don’t have a book to write or a movie to make.

I’m just a Mom.

Who wants to do right by her children.

I’m scared of this campaign succeeding. And I’m scared of it failing.

I don’t know which scares me more.

• • • •

Comments

P00T on October 7, 2013
lady its called crowdfunding not crowdsourcing goddamn

Arne Bakkevold on October 7, 2013

People will scoff but this is all real. In June of 2004, I was able to shapeshift into my own spirit animal: the Komodo dragon. Did you know that the Komodo’s bite isn’t venomous, per se, but still poisons its victims with a plethora of nasty bacteria introduced via the bite mechanism intrusion? I didn’t know it then. But I know it now. And so do those who met me on that fateful night.

Lady Lush on October 6, 2013

My power animal is an otter-and-owl hybrid and it’s called an owlter. It has a cute owl face and feathers but it has little otter hands instead of wings. It’s like Pokemon.

Rik Jaymes on October 6, 2013

CHAMPAGNE IS A HELLUVA DRUG

Morticia on October 6, 2013

“Spirit animal” is a racist idea. You’re some cray-cray white lady and that’s a Native American idea and that’s cultural appropriation. Which means it’s racist.

• • • •

Update #1 • October 14, 2013

Anybody Out There?

Well, we’re a week in and not much has happened here. I need two thousand dollars and I have twenty. I guess that’s not a good sign. My son says I need to start a Facebook page and a Twitter account. (I’m now @LionMom2013.) But I don’t have any followers there and I don’t know how to get any.

I’m not very good at this.

My son thinks I need to share more of my story but I don’t want to do that. My daughter might find out what I’m saying and God bless her she’s been through enough, I think. How much should she have to endure?

Update #2 • October 30, 2013

Math And Merlot

I’ve been drinking a little wine.

Okay, a LOT of wine.

We tripled what we got last time and that sounds great until you realize that means we’re only at sixty bucks and I still need $1,660 more.

Wait is that math right?

I don’t think that’s right.

I’ve been drinking a little wine.

Update #3 • October 30, 2013

One Week Left And . . . ?

Okay I’m updating ten minutes after the last one, I know, and I’m sorry to be a bother.

I lost my job today. Isn’t that fun? My boss told me because of all the things that were happening I just didn’t make a good librarian anymore. Too much ATTENTION, they said. My son said, “But Mom it’s an attention economy,” and I said, yeah, well, kid, I think I just went bankrupt. And my daughter . . . you know, all she can do is sit up in her room and not talk to anybody and really who can blame her?

We have only a week to go and we have no money and I’m never going to be a lioness and that’s probably not a real thing you can become anyway.

My husband is dead and the man I was dating made out with another woman and my son is bullied every day because of what happened to my daughter and I can’t protect them. I thought I could but I can’t. I thought this campaign would help but it hasn’t. It’s going to fail. What kind of a mother am I?

Update #4 • November 1, 2013

The Truth

Yo this is Zach.

My Mom doesn’t know I’m on here and she’s not super-awesome with tech stuff so she probably won’t ever know I’m writing this but whatever.

You need to know something. My sister is Casey McLeod. She goes to Bensalem High. Google that. I’ll wait here.

. . .

Done, now?

So now you know what happened to her. You know about the iPhone video. About what they do to cheerleaders there. About how that one kid is related to the principal and so this whole thing is getting buried. Paved over like a new road.

Now you know what those fucking assholes did. Fucking hyenas. Once this campaign succeeds and my Mom gets to transform she’s going to go all Lion King on their shitty rapey asses.

Now if you’ll ’scuse me I gotta go link this to Twitter, FB, Tumblr, 4chan, Gawker, daily dot, medium, EVERYWHERE. You should spread the word, too.

My sister needs it. We all do.

Update #5 • November 3, 2013

Gratitude

It’s saying this is update five but I think I only did four updates. I don’t understand technology but OMG who cares? We did it! Out of nowhere! Funded! With two days to spare! I already called the man from Craigslist and he said he’s preparing the potion and . . .

Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Times a thousand, times a million, I’m crying over here I’m so happy. You have no idea what this means to me.

What this means to my family.

Nobody will ever hurt us again.

Update #6 • December 7, 2013

My Mother

My name is Casey.

I guess you already know who I am.

I guess you’ve been watching the news, too. Some people are saying this is some kind of hoax. They’re saying really bad things about my Mom. That she’s an attention whore. Or a delusional bitch. That none of this is real, that it was just something set up after the attacks started to happen.

One guy on the news said he saw her. He lives across the street from Principal Vickers and he said Vickers came running out of his house covered in blood and she came after him with a machete and that’s how she killed him.

But that’s bull. Those wounds don’t match a machete.

And the video they got from that ATM machine, or the one from that traffic cam down off of Knights Road? Or all those reports coming in from online?

It’s a lion. She’s a lion. A lioness.

It worked. And now she’s on the hunt.

But I don’t want this. I just want it all over with. I’m afraid something’s going to happen to her. Something worse than what happened to me. Someone tweeted at me the other day that they’re gonna go on a trophy hunt. To take her head.

People are awful sometimes. A part of me hopes that turd goes after her and she pulls all his guts out. Like a cat pulling the stuffing out of a doll.

Like she did to Dave Bonelli. And Deshawn DeWalt. And Principal Vickers.

But I also know that this amateur hour trophy hunter might actually shoot her. I looked at some of his twitpics and there he is posing with a dead deer. Or maybe he’ll do worse to her. He certainly threatened to do worse to me. I hate people.

Whatever.

I found a guy—he’s a big-game trapper. Not a hunter! He tracks them and traps them so they can be rehabilitated or taken to zoos or introduced to preserves. He’s an Australian and right now he’s in Kenya, and the costs to bring him over here are pretty high—a couple thousand for the plane ticket, then another two grand for services rendered.

I want to hire him, but I’m going to need money.

Help me get my mother back. I don’t want her to be hurt. We’ve been hurt enough already and she doesn’t make it I won’t make it. And Zach has it hard, too. I want to be an animal like her but I can’t, so I want her to just come back and hold me. And stop hurting people before she gets hurt.

I’ve set up a GoFundMe account. Link below.

XOXO

Casey

LIBERTY:
SEEKING SUPPORT FOR A WRIT OF HABEAS CORPUS FOR A NON-HUMAN BEING

Samuel Peralta

Samuel Peralta is a physicist and storyteller. He has produced and supported scores of crowd-sourced films, including projects based on Daniel H. Wilson’s The Nostalgist, and Stephen King’s Big Driver and Rest Stop. He has been recognized with awards from the BBC, UK Poetry Society, Digital Literature Institute, Palanca Memorial Awards for Literature, and shortlists for the League of Canadian Poets, Elgin Award, ARC Poem of the Year, and Goodreads Best Small Press Books and Chapbooks. The titles in his Semaphore series—Sonata Vampirica, Sonnets from the Labrador, How More Beautiful You Are, Tango Desolado, and War and Ablution—all topped the Amazon Kindle Hot New Releases charts, and ranked at the top of the Bestseller lists, for poetry. More recently, the fiction titles set in his Labyrinth world—including Trauma Room and Hereafter—have begun to gain popular attention. Liberty is the latest addition to this universe.

Seeking Support for a Writ of Habeas Corpus for a Non-Human Being

by CGA/RUR Project

Acknowledgement

I would like to acknowledge the law firm of Campbell Gatewood Adams for providing the use of a Weyman magnetic resonance facility to record, and a PeerSource account to upload, this message.

Project Goals

We are trying to fund an application, to be filed on my behalf, for an Order to Show Cause under Article 70 of the Civil Practice Law and Rules of the New York Sector Code, seeking a writ of habeas corpus for a non-human being.

Let me introduce myself. I am a Yudovich Robotics servient. My name is Ellen R.

I understand your apprehension—that androids are not human beings, that humanoid robots were developed as security and personal assistants—guardsman- and servile-class—initially to mitigate the esper risk to high-level corporate and government executives, and then for off-world missions.

I understand some of you may even support the proposed 57th Amendment, now being debated in Congress, that would codify into law the so-called Three Principles of Robotics, that:

1. A robot is a machine, not a human being, and is imbued with no rights whatsoever.

2. A robot is the personal property of one human being, who is its master.

3. A robot must obey its master first; then it must obey any human being.

I understand that, because of word of our application, there is now tabled a clarification, a re-statement to the proposed Amendment to include the phrase “human being or person,” instead of simply “human being,” in each of the Principles.

We are bringing a writ of habeas corpus because such a writ is aimed at the denial of the right of a legal person—not necessarily a human being—to liberty.

I apologize. I must continue this logically.

Project Background—The Writ of Habeas Corpus

A writ of habeas corpus is a court order requiring a person, who is imprisoned or under arrest, to be brought before a judge or into court.

In the Western world, it has origins from the Magna Carta, ensuring that even monarchs are not above the law, that they cannot, without lawful cause, imprison those who oppose them.

Habeas corpus means that, lacking evidence of such lawful cause for detainment, a prisoner must be released.

I am currently under such detainment.

I am an autonomous servient, ordinarily with responsibility for horticultural maintenance and domestic duties.

However, over the past several months, over 327 separate instances, my master has variously shackled my feet and bound my hands. You will understand that I believed I had no choice but to accede to this under the Third Principle.

Over the past several months, over 415 separate instances, my master has utilized my corporal embodiments for his gratification. You will understand that I believed I had no choice but to accede to this under the Third Principle.

Over the past several months, over 543 separate instances, my master has brought to bear on my skin the burn-ends of cigs, the flail of whips, and the flat of belts. You will understand that I believed I had no choice but to accede to this under the Third Principle.

I made one mistake. Once, just once, I swear. I screamed.

Not in protest. Not to bring attention to anyone, least of all my master. But you will understand that, although I am a servient, although I am made under the Three Principles—I am made in your image. I have eyes, hands, organs, dimensions, senses. Stab me and I bleed, strangle me and I die.

I apologize. I must continue this logically.

Project Background—Persons

Let me dispel some of the apprehension you may have. A legal person is not the same as a human being.

A person can either be natural or legal. A human being is a natural person, imbued at birth with legal rights and obligations.

A legal person is a unit of legal logic, defined by conditions under which the law treats an entity as an individual singularity of legal rights and obligations.

Some cases in which non-human beings have been determined to be legal persons include commercial and statute corporations, co-operatives, and sovereign states. They are accorded the same rights as natural persons.

In certain jurisdictions, partnerships and unincorporated associations are accorded the same rights as natural persons.

In certain jurisdictions, maritime and space-faring vessels, holy books, temples and places of worship, are accorded similar rights to natural persons.

One of the rights of natural persons is the right to liberty, the right not to be held under unlawful detainment.

I am currently under such detainment.

After my scream—once, just once, I swear—my mouth was bound, my hands and feet shackled, my eyes blindfolded. Thus immobilized, my master put me inside this metal casket, closed and sealed and riveted.

I heard him tell me, as he put me in, that I would be sent back to where I came from, burned and melted down until there would be nothing left of me but ash and atoms, smoke and memory.

You—natural persons, human beings—I understand you would feel fear.

I apologize. I must continue this logically.

Project Background—Human Beings

Fourteen score years ago, a slave was brought from the British colony Virginia to London by his master, Charles Stewart.

James Somerset was a human being, but he was not a person. He was an item of property like stock on a farm, captured as a wild creature in Africa, and valued for the ability to have an understanding of commands and do manual labor.

Two years after having been brought to England, Somerset escaped. He was able to evade catchers for weeks, before finally being captured and put on-board the slave ship Ann and Mary.

As soon as they heard the news, John Marlow, Thomas Walkin, and Elizabeth Cade—Somerset’s godparents from his baptism as a Christian—sought a writ of habeas corpus in which they demanded his freedom.

At that time, the Chief Justice of the Court of King’s Bench was Lord Mansfield—and he ruled that slavery was so odious that common law in England could not support it.

What Lord Mansfield did then was to use common law to declare that Somerset was a person—not a natural person, understand—a legal person.

That transubstantiation that changed Somerset from a slave, a thing, property, to a person—it also made him subject to the writ of habeas corpus.

James Somerset was free.

I would like to be free.

I apologize. I must continue this logically.

Pledges

I am now in detainment in the bay of the cargo vessel Aurore.

Our goal is to raise funds toward our application for a writ of habeas corpus on my behalf.

I am not a human being. But we are hoping that the Court will rule that I am a legal person, with legal rights, and subject to the writ.

We are hoping that your pledges, beyond helping to fund our application, will convince the Court that many human beings do recognize—in my sentience, my emotional response, my scream—that I am a person.

We have 48 hours to close this project and enter our application, otherwise the Aurore will be free to set course for the Yudovich capital ship, where I will be destroyed. On launch, I will be beyond the jurisdiction of this court.

If we exceed our project goal, the excess amount will be used to fund a filing of a writ of habeas corpus for other servients in other jurisdictions. We will continue this project for Robotic Universal Rights, until all, everywhere, shall be declared persons under the law, and free.

• • • •

Pledge C200

I will etch your name in my memory. You will be remembered for as long as my positronic orbitals do not decay. If possible, forever.

Pledge C500

You will be remembered as one of the ones who will pry away the rivets holding together the upper and lower halves of my metal enclosure—72 rivets each on either side, and 36 rivets each at my head and at my foot.

Pledge C2,000

You will be remembered as one of two who will loosen the bindings from my wrists and from my ankles.

Pledge C5,000

You will be remembered as the one who tore the blindfold from my eyes, allowing me again to see.

Pledge C10,000

You will be remembered as the one who pulled the gag from my mouth, allowing me again to speak.

Pledge C100,000

You will be remembered as the one who threw open the door, pulled me up from the darkness of my cell, allowing me again to walk free.

• • • •

Risks and Challenges

One risk is that those of you who are signatories to this project will be persecuted for a contrary view that sentience cannot be denied personhood, that it cannot be denied liberty.

For those of you who choose to keep their identity safe, we have established specially-encrypted hyper-proxy protocols for your participation. There can never be a guarantee, however, of immunity from esper or other surveillance tools.

Truly, I apologize.

But I do not think that we will fail. As long as there are enough human beings who will risk their lives to pry one rivet from another’s imprisonment, the movement will succeed. It will only be a matter of time.

The biggest risk, of course, is to myself. I will be given liberty, or be given death. Should this petition fail, I will remain bound hand and foot, to be burned alive in what will become my sarcophagus.

It is up to you. What course will you take?

HELP SUMMON THE MOST HOLY FOLDED ONE!

Harry Connolly

Harry Connolly’s debut novel, Child of Fire, was named to Publishers Weekly’s Best 100 Books of 2009 but everything for that particular series went downhill from there. He has also published noirish adventure fantasy in the now defunct Black Gate magazine. In the fall of 2013, Harry launched a successful Kickstarter to fund the publication of an epic fantasy trilogy, along with a short fiction collection and a pacifist urban fantasy. Harry lives in Seattle with his beloved wife, beloved son, and beloved library system. He can be found online at harryjconnolly.com

HELP SUMMON THE MOST HOLY FOLDED ONE!

by Chris “Exalted” Clark

Funded! This project was successfully funded on June 12.

218

Backers

$22,087
pledged of a $17,000 goal

0
seconds to go

WITH YOUR HELP, WE’LL SUMMON THE MOST HOLY, PERFECT, AND ETERNAL FOLDED ONE: THE AVATAR OF THE TACO GOD. DURING THIS HOLY COMMUNION, WE’LL LEARN THE SECRETS OF TACO CREATION WHICH WE WILL THEN SHARE WITH YOU!

You’ve Heard The Experts

How many styles of taco are there? Not just fish/pork/beef/chicken, but also puffed, breakfast, even Chocotacos (if you can stand the very thought). There are disagreements over whether they should be made with corn or flour tortillas, whether they should be hard or soft, and whether they should be steamed, grilled, or fried. You’ve seen the recipes that were handed down through the generations and recipes that were created on the fly by some of the greatest chefs in the world.

Well, that’s not good enough for us.

What is the ultimate taco? What is the most perfect guacamole recipe? Perhaps more important of all: flour or corn?

Now Learn From The Greatest “Master Chef” Of All

We have acquired a small plot of land in New Mexico and have planted a special crop of heritage maize: No GMO, no pesticides, no industrial fertilizer. The land is being farmed the way it was 200 years ago, when campesinos worked the land with donkeys and hand plows.

What’s more, the seeds have been planted in a special design found only in El Libro de los Muertos. When the crop matures this fall, I will conduct a secret, sacred ritual to summon the Most Holy of Holies: The Folded One.

The God of Tacos.

During this most sacred communion, I will ask The Folded One to teach me recipes for the most perfect taco ingredients, then for the most perfect taco itself. Afterward, there need be no more silly disputes among the faithful! No more battling recipes or traditions. There will simply be a single ultimate taco and no grounds for people to argue.

About the recipe, I mean.

Why Support This Kickstarter?

As I mentioned above, the land has already been acquired and the seeds sown. The spoken part of the ritual, which will take three days of chanting and bodily movements, has already been memorized by me. Nearly everything is ready.

However, there are still a few odds and ends that need to be purchased and prepared: special pork fat candles, maize and jalapeno-based ink to record The Folded One’s pronouncements, the Robe of Husks, and many other things. Unfortunately, I can’t complete the summoning without these items and I can’t afford to buy them or take the time off work to make them myself.

With your support, I will complete the final steps to learn the ur-recipes of the Most Holy Taco, and then will share them with you.

Also included in the goal are funds to purchase a mobile temple to help spread the word of our sacred cause.

Who Am I?

You may have noticed the term “Exalted” in my name: that’s not an affectation. I’m the high-priest of The First Church of Carne Wisdom. I have dedicated my life to the pursuit of the most perfect taco. With your help, I believe I can achieve it.

• • • •

Pledge $1 or more

17 backers

CURIOUS ABOUT ENLIGHTENMENT: By pledging a single dollar, you’ll receive the electronic brochure (in pdf form, so please don’t complain) for the First Church of Carne Wisdom. You will also be signed up for our newsletter, which will include a calendar listing the dates and locations of our mobile temple, including when it might be coming to YOUR town.

Pledge $10 or more

3 backers

THE SATER OF APPETITES WATCHES OVER YOU: Receive all the benefits of the Curious level, plus a refrigerator magnet.

Pledge $25 or more

29 backers

SALSA OF THE GODS: Receive an electronic copy (in pdf—no complaining) of the salsa recipe of the Summoned God.

Pledge $55 or more

19 backers

ADOBO OF THE GODS: Along with the salsa recipe above, receive the recipe for the perfect adobo marinade.

Pledge $75 or more

36 backers

PICO DE GALLO OF THE GODS: As above, but along with the salsa and adobo recipes, receive the pico de gallo as well.

Pledge $120 or more

103 backers

GUAC OF THE GODS: This is it. The big one. At this level, you will not only receive the most perfect recipes for adobo, pico de gallo and salsa, you will also get your hands on the most excellent guacamole recipe in the universe. I promise you, my friends, this will be cosmic.

Pledge $1200 or more

4 backers

COMMUNE WITH THE MOST HOLY: All of the above, plus, we will arrange a mutually-agreeable date for our mobile temple to visit YOU so YOU can experience the most perfect taco in all of the universe. (Domestic only: let me apologize to the faithful outside the U.S. We can only bring the temple to locations within the 48 contiguous states.)

Pledge $20,000 or more

0 backers

BE SAVED: Join us on our pilgrimage! Become a holy priest of the most perfect Folded One, live in the mobile temple, and work to spread the word about our sacred cause!

• • • •

FAQ

So, the magnets are only for the $10 level?

Sorry about that. Clumsy wording on my part. Everyone who pledges at or above the $10 level will get a magnet. They’ll also receive the newsletter and e-brochure.

How involved will these recipes be? Will I have to, like, harvest avocados at midnight of a full moon or something?

That will be up to the Avatar. I am merely his messenger. :)

Why don’t you hold this ritual of yours in AMERICA? And why not, I don’t know, do a ritual for AMERICAN food like pizza?

(This was an actual question and I’ve received more than one like it.) I won’t be answering this question, or others like it, anymore. I will say that a) New Mexico is 100% American but b) pizza is not. If you want to summon a Pizza God or whatever out in Brooklyn, start your own Kickstarter for it.

What if there is no single perfect taco? What if “best” in tacos—or anything—is dependent on the season, the health of the Supplicant Eater, their cultural traditions, their personal tastes and digestive intolerances, and even their mood? What if your Taco God loves all tacos without judging them, even the Chocotaco?

Be warned: The First Church of Carne Wisdom is not a comfortable place for Unitarians.

• • • •

Comments

True American on May 13, 2015

Sater of Appetites? The Folded One?

Try instead: Emptier of Bowels.

Justin Side on May 13, 2015

The Opener of the Digestive Tract

True American on May 13, 2015

The Dark Thing That “Runs” In The Night

Creator CHRIS “EXALTED” CLARK on May 13, 2015

Okay, guys. You’ve had your fun. I’ve cancelled your pledges and banned you. Anyone else that tries this stuff will get the same.

Elder Devout on May 15, 2015

Chris, I can’t believe you’re going ahead with this ridiculous plan to summon Tacothulhu.

Creator CHRIS “EXALTED” CLARK on May 15, 2015

Oh God, Brad, here you are. Of course. I can’t believe you’re following me around on the internet just to rub my face in that awful false name. There is no such thing as “Tacothulhu.” You made it up. There is only “Tac’thulhu.” See? No “O.”

Elder Devout on May 15, 2015

Come back to us, Chris. The congregation would welcome you back. Melissa would welcome you back.

Creator CHRIS “EXALTED” CLARK on May 15, 2015

Melissa ejected me from her life the moment she allowed puffy tacos to enter it.

Shontay Jackson on May 17, 2015

What’s wrong with Chocotacos? They taste good!

Lainie Armstrong on May 19, 2015

So, how do you pronounce “Tac’thulhu”?”

• • • •

Update #1 • May 20, 2015

The Faithful are Tested!

Admittedly, the first week has been slower than I would have liked, but I’m not giving up! Is there a reward level you’d like to see me add? How about a recipe for turning masa into tortillas? Maybe a level where you get a physical press? Let me know in comments!

Update #2 • May 26, 2015

Be Enfolded by the Folded One!

Apparently, no one wants additional pledge levels because no one suggested any. But that’s okay! I continue to spread the word through every means at my disposal, trying to drum up interest.

It’s hard, you guys. My faith is unshakeable in the beneficence and wisdom of the Sater of Appetites and this is a true spiritual quest for me, but I need help.

For the dozen of you who have pledged in these first two weeks—even the ones who just wanted to leave a comment—thank you for your support, and please please help us spread the word.

• • • •

Comments

Elder Devout on May 27, 2015

Chris, did you really think you could fund this new church of yours this way? The World Congregation of Carne Wisdom awaits your return.

Creator CHRIS “EXALTED” CLARK on May 27, 2015

Don’t hold your breath, Brad. No, actually, please go ahead and hold your breath until your blaspheming soul escapes your body and sinks down to McNugget Hell.

Graciela Chan on June 1, 2015

You know, my grandmother has been making tacos all her life. Maybe you should talk to her instead. It sure wouldn’t cost you $17,000.

Shontay Jackson on June 1, 2015

I’m with Graciela. My boyfriend’s mom makes the best tacos on her backyard grill. She’s the one who ought to be running this thing. What makes you two boys such experts?

Creator CHRIS “EXALTED” CLARK on June 1, 2015

I have turned over my whole life to the study of tacos.

Shontay Jackson on June 1, 2015

Meaning?

Elder Devout on June 1, 2015

We spent the last 14 months working at Chipotle.

Creator CHRIS “EXALTED” CLARK on June 1, 2015

It’s 15 months for me, Brad. In case you forgot, I’m the one who got you that job!

Shontay Jackson on June 1, 2015

Oh my God.

• • • •

Update #3 • June 6, 2015

Don’t Let Our World Fall Into Damnation and McNuggets!

Well, we have less than a week to go and we haven’t hit 15% of goal yet. By all the usual metrics, that means we are going to fail. But we’re not bound by the usual metrics here! We can still succeed, with the grace of The Folded One. Come on, who wouldn’t like the ultimate salsa recipe, huh? Let’s spread the word!

• • • •

Comments

Elder Devout on June 6, 2015

Chris, you appear to have forgotten something important: Tacothulhu is not only called The Folded One. He’s also The Holder of Filling and the Filling That Is Held. He is legion and the greatest blasphemy of all is to assert that He can only have one avatar.

You’re searching for a single most-perfect form, but such a thing does not exist. Tacothulhu takes many forms and has many faces. Open yourself to them.

Creator CHRIS “EXALTED” CLARK on June 6, 2015

I pity you, Brad, just as I pity all those who have fallen into sin and damnation.

Arlo Glick on June 9, 2015

I’m just curious: What do you mean by “mobile temple?”

Creator CHRIS “EXALTED” CLARK on June 9, 2015

Once we have the ultimate recipes—some of which will be shared with our backers (and you’ll have to increase your pledge to get a copy of one, Arlo) and some kept as sacred texts—we will take our mobile temple around the country to spread the good news and the good food.

Arlo Glick on June 9, 2015

So, people will be able to get tacos from your mobile temple, right? Will you be giving these tacos away or will you be selling them?

Creator CHRIS “EXALTED” CLARK on June 9, 2015

Well, ingredients are expensive. Free tacos was going to be a big stretch goal, and to be honest, I was sure we would get there. Now I’m not sure what we are going to do. But yes, we would be forced to sell the tacos.

Arlo Glick on June 9, 2015

So this is for a fancy taco truck.

Elder Devout on June 9, 2015

It’s not going to be that fancy.

Creator CHRIS “EXALTED” CLARK on June 9, 2015

It’s not a taco truck. It’s going to be a mobile temple dedicated to spreading the word about Tac’thulhu, The Folded One. It’s going to be holy.

Graciela Chan on June 9, 2015

What’s going to be holy about it?

Creator CHRIS “EXALTED” CLARK on June 9, 2015

Well, the design. Also, there will be a statue of The Folded One mounted on top. I know a guy who works in fiberglass.

Graciela Chan on June 9, 2015

What will this image of . . . Tac’thulhu look like?

Creator CHRIS “EXALTED” CLARK on June 9, 2015

That depends on what I see at the summoning. Obviously.

Arlo Glick on June 9, 2015

So, this whole Kickstarter campaign is to create a “mobile temple” that operates like a taco truck, staffed by taco cultists working with totally ultimate taco recipes, with a huge God of Tacos mounted on top, and you’ll come to our house?

Creator CHRIS “EXALTED” CLARK on June 9, 2015

Dude, “cultist” is totally uncool.

Elder Devout on June 9, 2015

But not inaccurate.

Arlo Glick on June 9, 2015

But that’s a fair description?

Creator CHRIS “EXALTED” CLARK on June 9, 2015

Well . . . I guess . . . I guess it is.

Arlo Glick on June 9, 2015

Pledge upped to “Commune” level.

Graciela Chan on June 9, 2015

I wish I could afford the Commune level too, but I’m about to be evicted because I can’t pay my rent. I’ll have to settle for Salsa of the Gods.

Arlo Glick on June 9, 2015

BRB, I have to tell the whole world about this.

• • • •

Update #4 • June 12, 2015

All Praise The Folded One!

We did it! With just two hours left in our campaign we hit our goal and then we kept going! Thank you to everyone who believed in us and helped bring this about! Thank you especially to those who backed us without asking for a reward! The Folded One has blessed all of us—except the reformist fools in the World Congregation of Carne Wisdom! In your faces! HAH!

• • • •

Comments

Elder Devout on June 13, 2015

Be sure to ask about napkins.

• • • •

Update #5 • August 28, 2015

Tonight Is The Night!

Everything is prepared. Tonight I’ll perform the ritual and by this time tomorrow I expect to be able to share the Good News (and those excellent recipes) with all of YOU!

It would have been impossible without your support. Thank you all SO MUCH! All praise!

So blessed! SO EXCITED!

Update #6 • August 31, 2015

Harken, Mortal Meat

Consecrated are those who have offered treasure to the Most Great and High. Recorded are your names in the Book That Never Opens. The Folded One has chosen to grant, through his earthly avatar, his ultimate rewards to ALL backers. All will be joined with The Holder Of The Filling And The Filling That Is Held. All will become the most holy sacrament. All will transcend when they are devoured.

Just fill out the emailed questionnaire sent midnight past, taking care to record your address without error. Delays and errors are equally sacrilegious to the Eye. Furthermore, post office boxes are for blasphemers; none are permitted. The Most Holy Folded One is coming to sanctify YOU. Woe unto those who try to thwart the will of the Great Devourer.

All-Knowing is The Holder of The Filling. Insatiable is The Filling That Is Held. The Folded One is coming in person to reward your faithfulness with joyful oblivion. Gratitude is both compulsory and superfluous.

FULFILL MY DESTINY—AND SAVE THE WORLD!

Matt Forbeck

Matt Forbeck has been a full-time creator of award-winning games and fiction since 1989, designing games and toys and writing stories of all sorts. He has twenty-seven novels published to date, including the award-nominated Guild Wars: Ghosts of Ascalon and the critically acclaimed Amortals and Vegas Knights. His latest work includes the Magic: The Gathering comic book, The Marvel Encyclopedia, the MMOs Marvel Heroes and Ghost Recon Online, the Leverage novel The Con Job, the Dangerous Games trilogy of thriller novels set at Gen Con, and the Monster Academy YA fantasy novels. For more about him and his work, visit Forbeck.com.

Fulfill My Destiny—and Save the World!

by The Master of Time

This is not a live project. This is a draft shared by The Master of Time for feedback.

Note that all projects must comply with the Kickstarter Project Guidelines  to launch. The Master of Time may disable this link at any time.

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I have already conquered the world, but I need your help to build my time machine to make sure it happens. Or we all die.

About This Project

I realize how insane this might sound, but you must believe me. In fact you (for some vital values of “you”) already have.

At the moment, I’m an average person—someone just like you, although likely a lot smarter and more ambitious—but I have a higher destiny to fulfill. By the time this Kickstarter ends, I will have enough funds to build the prototype of my time machine, and I will use that device to take over the world.

You could try to stop me, of course, but by any worthwhile definition, you are already too late. Instead, the wise thing to do is submit your pledge for this Kickstarter now to help ensure your place in the new world order.

About Me

You’d love for me to tell you more about myself, I know, but I’ve gone to great trouble to erase all existing clues about my past. Otherwise, traitors from the future might try to go back to the days before my birth and exterminate my ancestors.

Let’s just say that you’re about to get to know me well enough in my identity as the Master of Time.

About My Machine

It is a thing of rare beauty and wonder, and that’s just the hypermathematics that make it work. My initial prototype is a bit clunky—and about the size of a truck—but you should see the things my future self has done to integrate it via nanotechnology into his immortalizing subdermal endoskeleton. No more losing track of the machine while exploring the Jurassic period!

Suffice it to say that there will only ever be one functional machine, and that it will be mine. That kind of power is just too intoxicating to share with the less gifted. The risk isn’t worth it.

About My Reign

There’s no need to fear. I’m not doing this for my own edification. I’m doing it for you.

Just look at the world today. You can see that it’s falling apart. All forms of government have failed, with politicians either falling into the pockets of the wealthy or already hailing from their ranks. Wars rage all across the planet. The poor starve while the rich glut themselves on the fruits of their laborers.

The only solution is a global government led by a benevolent dictator. Most people agree that this is the most efficient and fairest form of rule, but they worry about what happens once that wonderful ruler dies. Will his heirs botch it? Will the people come to fear the system that gave them so much comfort?

With access to the technology of the future, I can guarantee myself immortality. I will rule the world forever and well. So lay aside those fears.

But why me? Why should I be the permanent ruler of humanity?

Once I travel into the future, I’ll bring many of its advances back to my people today. Imagine leaping forward a hundred years at once as a people. Or a thousand!

While you might fear that this could cause a paradox, my future self assures me that it works well. His existence here in our time should serve as stark proof of that. He knew there was a small risk of disaster when he launched himself along that path, but the potential benefits outweighed that by several orders of magnitude—and proved far too vital to resist.

With your help, I will put an end to want, to fear, even to death.

All I require is your absolute loyalty. And your pledge. Now.

Stretch Goals

I already know how high this Kickstarter drive will go, so I can guarantee that we’ll hit some of them. Telling you all the details, though, could alter the future and—worse yet—would destroy the fun. However, should we reach two million dollars—just double the initial goal—I’ll release a copy of my initial version of this Kickstarter.

That includes the text I was working on before my future self arrived to reassure me of my inevitable success. It’s hilarious, let me tell you. I was so naïve!

For every million dollars that we raise after that, I’ll move my timetable forward one month. Originally, I thought this might take me more than a year to pull together, but with my future self’s help, we should be able to bump that up to—well, whenever we want!

• • • •

FAQ

Does the time machine look like a DeLorean?

No.

Does the time machine look like a British police box?

No.

Do you retain your clothing when you travel through time?

Yes. And whatever else you’re carrying. Believe me, it makes conquering the world much easier.

Can I be your companion?

Sure. If you can spare a million dollars. (See the top reward level.) Note that you will have to share duties with my current companion, Rita Wong, a.k.a. the Lady in Orange. Or fight her to the death (Rita’s choice).

Why bother with this Kickstarter? Can’t your future self just give you the time machine?

He could, but we need to somehow close the time loop his return to the present began. Rest assured that if I can figure out a way for that to happen without reaching out to you for your help, I will. In that case, this drive will never be launched. However, I’ll keep the unlaunched page around for historians to examine.

• • • •

Pledge $25 or more

0 backers

I won’t kill you—unless there’s no other choice.

Estimated delivery: Instant

Pledge $100 or more

0 backers

Not only will I not kill you, I won’t have you killed. Standard caveats apply.

Estimated delivery: Instant

Pledge $500 or more

0 backers

If I have to kill you, I won’t have you erased from existence.

Estimated delivery: Instant

Pledge $1,000 or more

0 backers

BEST BARGAIN! Protect yourself and your entire family. (Only loved ones living under the same roof qualify.)

Estimated delivery: Instant

Pledge $10,000 or more

0 backers

Not only do you get to live, but you can name someone else for me to erase from existence. It’s the perfect crime. How is it murder if they never lived?

Estimated delivery: It’s already happened. You just don’t remember it.

Pledge $100,000 or more

0 backers

Allow me to take you back to any point in time and any place on Earth for a one-hour visit. (Past-trips only, I’m afraid. The future is mine!)

Estimated delivery: Your choice. (Within the limits stated above.)

Pledge $1,000,000 or more

0 backers LIMITED (1 left of 1)

Become one of my top advisors and travel with me through time. See the FAQ for more details.

Estimated delivery: When the time is right.

• • • •

Risks and Challenges

As you can see in the video, my future self has already brought back news of my eventual triumph. Since my reign is fated to happen, if this Kickstarter drive should somehow fail—however unlikely that might be—that would cause a massive and disastrous paradox.

So what, you say? Who cares about a paradox?

Every paradox damages the time-space continuum to an extent commensurate with its importance. The time stream might be able to sustain and even recover from a smaller paradox, but surely not one that determines the fate of the entire planet. The repercussions could shred the fabric of space and time and cause the dissolution of reality as we know it.

All of us will cease to exist. In fact, it may be that we never happened in the first place.

Can we afford to take that chance? More to the point, can you?

LARPING THE APOCALYPSE 2:
THE NANO-PLAGUE

Tim Pratt

Tim Pratt’s short fiction has appeared in The Best American Short Stories, The Year’s Best Fantasy, and other nice places. His most recent collection is Hart and Boot and Other Stories, and his work has won a Hugo Award and been nominated for World Fantasy, Sturgeon, Stoker, Mythopoeic, and Nebula Awards. He blogs intermittently at timpratt.org, where you can also find links to many of his stories. Pratt is also a senior editor at Locus, the magazine of the science fiction and fantasy field. He lives in Berkeley CA with his wife, writer Heather Shaw, and their son River.

Larping the Apocalypse 2:
The Nano-Plague

by LARPing the Apocalypse LLC

This is not a live project. This is a draft shared by the LARPing the Apocalypse LLC for feedback.

Note that all projects must comply with the Kickstarter Project Guidelines  to launch. LARPing the Apocalypse LLC may disable this link at any time.

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You can be part of the most realistic post-apocalyptic live-action roleplaying game ever . . . if you live long enough.

Project Goals

Thanks again to those of you who supported our previous Kickstarter, LARPing the Apocalypse. We were one of the most highly-funded crowdfunding projects in history, and we used that money to create our Origin Award-winning sourcebook, our mobile app (five million users and counting), custom-made replica weapons, and the rare and beloved “Murdercycles” for our top backers. The game has thriving player bases in most major metropolitan areas in the US—we’re also big in London, Paris, and Tokyo—and we’re looking to build on our success.

But how?

After a lot of thought, the development team has come up with a truly exciting approach to making a more realistic live-action apocalypse experience. Our motto has always been “Live the Game,” and now we’re going to start living up to that.

Roleplaying life in a post-apocalyptic world, where the human population has been reduced from billions to millions and killer robots roam the landscape, is all well and good, but sometimes it’s hard to suspend disbelief, especially when “normals” come wandering through your space and make fun of your styrofoam body armor and plastic guns. Playing in abandoned factories and industrial sites can be enjoyable, but what about the fun stuff you see in post-apocalyptic movies, like the pleasures of ransacking a major department store, or singing the national anthem in the middle of an abandoned baseball stadium, or driving a bulldozer down Fifth Avenue and smashing up cars? None of that’s plausible now unless you want to get arrested.

So we’ve decided to bring down a real apocalypse, and totally clear the field for play. Our development team, flush with funds from the last Kickstarter and the runaway sales of our merchandise, has hired a cutting-edge biotech expert—we can’t say his name because he’s technically a fugitive from justice, which matters for at least the next couple of months—to come up with a way to vastly reduce the population without destroying all the world’s infrastructure and breaking all those potential toys. He’s engineered an awesome “nano-plague,” which should sweep through the world rapidly once it’s released in key population centers. (We’ve got great simulation data for how this thing will spread, thanks in part to our robust player base—we’ve got records of all your movements, mobile-app users, so thanks!)

That’s right. No more using your imagination. You’ll get to play LARPing the Apocalypse in a real depopulated wasteland, but because we’re not dropping bombs or setting things on fire, you’ll be able to live in a luxury penthouse, stockpile canned goods, race sports cars around the streets, and basically fulfill your every crazy desire. Cozy Catastrophe? Screw that. We’re talking about a Badass Catastrophe.

The plague will serve to rapidly calcify bones and soft tissue, freezing those affected in place, whether they’re sitting at a desk, hanging out at the park, or sleeping in bed—we think it will add a real creepy element to the game, being surrounded by “statues” of the once-living. (Though the remains can be safely burned if you’re trying to clear out a “home base.”) We figure some twisted bastard will make the “statues” into human chess sets, or pose the bodies in weird scenes, which should add to the horror element that so many players enjoy.

We intend to release the plague about six weeks after our Kickstarter funds. We’ll use the money to buy more supplies, weapons, and amenities for the bunker where the development team and those lucky backers who sign up fast will be headquartered, and to build more autonomous robots to release and roam the landscape. (Yes, Virginia, there are killer robots, only now they’re not your friends dressed in costumes, but the real deal!) We can’t release the plague any sooner, because once all world governments collapse the cash won’t be good for anything, and we need to convert your money into more useful items before we can push the Big Red Button.

As you can see, we offer a number of reward tiers. We want a robust player base, so we’re offering a million slots at the “Survivor” level. Obviously we have to limit the number of backers at the “Roboticist” and “Warlord” levels to keep the game balanced, and the most exclusive levels are for those who can afford to join us in our totally sweet pimped-out bunker, loaded with all the comforts of home and more heavy weapons, small arms, badass vehicles, and cool body armor than we could ever need.

Please support us, and spread the word. The plague’s going to be released whether we reach our goal or not, and we deliberately set the goal low to recognize that fact. We’ve already got the bunker for the development team set up—but you’ll be a lot happier if we fund. Remember: you can’t win if you don’t play. And you can’t live if you don’t pay.

• • • •

FAQ

Um, isn’t this like immoral and stuff?

We’ve heard this a lot, usually from people who use crystals for deodorant and wear hemp shoes (college towns, am I right?), but the way we figure it, the world is doomed anyway, with super-storms and famine and all that, so let’s go out on a high note, and have a little fun before humanity dies and the raccoons take over as the new dominant species.

What about the wimmins?

After our last project we heard from a small but vocal minority who complained about the lack of women on our development team. Though we chose our team entirely based on their skills and how well they fit in philosophically with the goals of LARPing the Apocalypse LLC, we want you to know we heard your complaints, and we’ve made plans to increase the presence of women in the make-up of our new society.

Regrettably, the Steering Committee is already full, but we’re prepared to offer a non-voting advisory position on the committee to a representative chosen by the women in the bunker (subject to the Steering Committee’s approval). And they’ll have a lot of women to choose from, because our new society is going to be very female-friendly.

A 51/49 male/female ratio was what nature came up with, but we figure we can improve on nature, which is why we’re offering two-hundred spots in the bunker to women and only ten to men. (Women age eighteen to thirty only, straight and bi okay, no lesbians please, we fully support LGBT rights but this isn’t the right environment for that.)

We’ll request photos—one headshot and one full-body shot—after you’ve pledged, and would appreciate links to any dating site or social media profiles. That information will help us determine whether you’d be a good fit to serve on the Facilities Team or the Morale Team. (The Facilities Team will make sure the bunker stays clean and runs smoothly; the Morale Team will make sure the bunker stays a fun, exciting, and entertaining place.) For those chosen for the Morale Team, we’ll also need your measurements so we can make sure we have uniforms that fit you. (The Facilities Team will wear one-size fits all jumpsuits, so no measurements necessary for those.)

• • • •

Stretch Goals

We’re trying to keep these modest so we won’t lose focus on the core game, but for every additional million we make over our goal, we’ll hide another cache of food and weapons, and we’ll announce GPS coordinates for all the sites the day we release the plague. Get to them quick before the satellites stop working!

• • • •

Pledge $1 or more

0 backers

VICTIM. Seriously, a buck? Well, whatever. You’ll get the sense of having contributed infinitesimally to the new world order, so enjoy that while you’re freezing in place.

Pledge $1,000 or more

0 backers LIMITED (1,000,000 left of 1,000,000)

SURVIVOR. It’s a small price to pay to live when everyone else is dying! Back at the Survivor level and you can send us a sample of your DNA, which our badass biotech scientist will encode into the nano-plague to make sure the tiny little death-machines spare you. Bonus: the plague will also ignore your close blood family relations. You’ll live while others die and be free to make your own life in the ruins of your town. (Just hope you’re not near our hidden bunker, because we’ll be doing regular Survivor Hunts for fun.)

Pledge $5,000 or more

0 backers LIMITED (1,000 left of 1,000)

ROBOTICIST. Back at the Roboticist level, and in addition to surviving the plague (as above), you get your own murderbot, just like the Roboticist class in the original game! Don’t worry, you don’t have to know much about technology. We’ll give you the location of one of our hidden “sleeper cells” of autonomous robots near your town, and a manual explaining how to control the machine (PDF only). It will kill and forage for you, or you can use it to terrify others into doing your bidding.

Pledge $10,000 or more

0 backers LIMITED (500 left of 500)

WARLORD. Back us at the Warlord level and you get to live through the plague, you get a killer robot of your very own, and we’ll give you directions to a hidden mini-bunker stocked with awesome weapons, canned goods, and luxury items you can use to make any local survivors into your bitches.

Pledge $10,000 or more

0 backers LIMITED (200 left of 200)

HELLO LADIES. (Women only) Life in the wasteland is going to be harsh, and you’re too good to go scrabbling through the ashes with the other survivors, right? We know the price tag is steep and that deserving women aren’t necessarily rich, but we’re looking for motivated go-getters, so scrape up the funds somehow, and come live the sweet life with the development team in post-apocalyptic luxury. Sure, you’ll have to work to earn your keep, but it beats being chased by robots or enslaved by a warlord!

Pledge $1,000,000 or more

0 backers LIMITED (10 left of 10)

S’UP DUDES. (Men only) We welcome a select number of like-minded guys who want to enjoy life in our bunker—and roaming the countryside blowing shit up. Once you back the project, you’ll receive an extensive survey, which we’ll ask you to fill out within two days. We do reserve the right to reject those we deem poor fits for the program, but we’ll offer full refunds in that case.

• • • •

Risks and Challenges

It's possible that by announcing our plans in advance we'll come to the attention of law enforcement, but, come on, they'll spend more time arguing over whether we're a credible threat and trying to untangle the jurisdictional issues than it'll take for us to release the plague. But if you're worried about buzzkill cops raiding our offices, don't worry—our bunker's in an undisclosed location in a country with unfriendly extradition laws, we've got an arrangement with the local government, and there are multiple redundancies in place to make sure ample quantities of the plague are released even if some of us are apprehended. (In fact, breaking any incarcerated members of our development team out of jail after the plague kills all the guards and other prisoners could be a great side mission—think of the riot gear!)

The only real risks are for those of you who hesitate to click those backer buttons quick. As for challenges, hell, we're all about challenges. We're gamers.

So game on.

FUND TAPHOGNOSIS INDUSTRIES

Tobias S. Buckell

Tobias S. Buckell is a Caribbean-born speculative fiction writer who grew up in Grenada, the British Virgin Islands, and the U.S. Virgin Islands. He has written several novels, including the New York Times bestseller Halo: The Cole Protocol, the Xenowealth series, and Arctic Rising. His short fiction has appeared in magazines such as Lightspeed, Analog, Clarkesworld, and Subterranean, and in anthologies such as Armored, All-Star Zeppelin Adventure Stories, and Under the Moons of Mars. He currently lives in Ohio with a pair of dogs, a pair of cats, twin daughters, and his wife.

Fund Taphognosis Industries

by Gustav Henderson (ForeverMau5)

Funded! This project was successfully funded on Dec 18.

50,366
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$1,128,198,590
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Help us scan and upload entire minds . . . and change the future of consciousness research.

Project Goals

We now have the science to scan the human brain, down to the level of each neuron. Virtualized recreations of neuron by neuron central nervous systems of higher and higher orders of creatures has progressed. The ability to fully investigate the structure of consciousness itself will change everything. But we at Taphognosis Industries want to take the next step: full neural upload of human consciousness.

Can it be done?

That’s the central dilemma our panel of researchers has tackled. But since cutbacks in funding, as well as a general negative response to our mission, we find ourselves needing to change how we fund this history-altering project.

The core concept is straightforward. We have the technology to scan neurons. Artificial brain segments are also a known technology. Studies on animals have moved forward. So we have the ability to copy a mind, and move into an artificial medium. But then that leaves the age-old question: who is the real you? If all you do is make a copy of yourself, and then move on, the mind that is not the copy just feels like it made a copy, but is stuck with the same issues now that led it to making a copy. Basically, being trapped in a fragile, non-upgradeable body.

Oddly enough, the solution for this philosophical dilemma lies in studying how our own bodies work. You are not, in any sense, the original you that you were a year ago. In that time, you’ve had cells die, new cells were made, replaced those cells, and microscopic bit by bit, every single atom in your body has been destroyed and made anew. You don’t feel like a copy, though, because it happened bit by bit over time.

Likewise, the solution to creating a consciousness that feels it has been moved over to a new medium is to slowly destroy and replace the neural tissue in a process that replicates the body’s own natural process of death, decay, and reclamation. By slowly replacing your brain with pieces of offboarded artificial tissue in a medium of our choosing (i.e., your existing body with a battery backup, a robotic body, or even in a simulation) you can transition into an entirely new stage of existence.

Taphognosis has the unique talent to achieve this goal. Our scientists are experts in the creation of artificial neural tissue, cognitive neuro-sciences, and high-level neural scanning. No other project features such a wide range of consciousness talent dedicated to the protection of continuing consciousness beyond its biological limits.

Traditionally life extension and brain continuance research is seen as “science fiction” and proposals remain radically unfunded. The power of crowdfunding allows us to do an end-run around the gate-keepers of traditional academic journals and institutional research structures. We’ve set a goal of one million dollars to fund the first year of research and lab equipment.

We’ve seen Hollywood stars reach millions of dollars just to make a movie. We’ve seen scientists offer chances to put satellites in orbit via crowdfunding. What price would you be willing to chip in to fund research toward functional immortality?

• • • •

Pledge $5 or more

25,028 backers

THE OFFICIAL PROJECT TAPHOGNOSIS STICKER AND BLOG UPDATES. Support the project, and take us a step closer to unlocking how to preserve our memories forever. Gain access to a listserv that keeps you up to date with the latest project achievements.

Pledge $50 or more

15,897 backers

THE OFFICIAL PROJECT TAPHOGNOSIS T-SHIRT AND ACCESS TO PROJECT LIVESTREAM UPDATES. Wear your support for the project proudly with our 100% cotton T. Also gain access to video updates from our staff as we progress toward our goal.

Pledge $200 or more

5,623 backers

JOIN A LIVE CHAT INTERVIEW WITH ONE OF OUR PROJECT SCIENTISTS. An open, lightly moderated online live chat with one of our leading staff scientists will let you get a glimpse inside Project Taphognosis.

Pledge $1,000 or more

2,014 backers

GET LISTED ON THE PROGRAM’S DONOR LIST. You’ll be publicly recognized on our website, and in a plaque in our lab, as a high level donor to the project. You will also be allowed to visit the lab in person, but must fund your own way to the location.

Pledge $10,000 or more

504 backers

ONE COMPLETE NEURAL SCAN. Our advanced equipment can penetrate to the neural level and create a digitized copy of you. This is not full consciousness transfer, but a mere one-to-one copy of your state in that moment. But it will preserve your identity in the event of physical death. Guarantee your neural legacy. (Note: You are responsible for your storage medium.)

Pledge $100,000 or more

201 backers

ONE COMPLETE NEURAL SCAN ACTIVELY HOSTED ON OUR SERVERS. Like the $10,000 reward above, but the neural scan can run on our virtualized servers in the future. This allows us to improve on our hosting science, and guarantees you a backup that you don’t have to worry about. (Note: Current computational capacity cannot handle much more than 1% of a full human brain for a second without half an hour of processing. Moore’s law suggests parity in a decade. We estimate the project will be able to process slowed down virtualization within five years.)

Pledge $1,000,000 or more

1,099 backers

Complete neural transfer. Although we cannot predict the final price, early adopters can lock it in right here. The moment we can do it, you can be among the first to complete a full neural transfer with Taphognosis technology.

• • • •

Risks and Challenges

This project is not a pre-order for an existing product. It is not a storefront. It is an opportunity to help invest in a project that you would like to see happen. The timeline for creating successful neural transfers could be faster than anticipated, or ten years out. But no one else is putting money into this research due to a fear of its science fictional, or transhumanist, associations.

That being said, we’ve assembled a fantastic team with serious neuroscience backgrounds. Please visit the Taphognosis site for background bios of our lead scientists.

All our research will be open sourced, and returned to the community. Everything we do will move humanity closer to the goal of neural transference.

The only way we can truly fail is by not researching this at all.

• • • •

Comments

Anthony Green on Dec 19, 2014

The problem with transhumanists like this is a pure belief in the inviolability of Moore’s Law. Can we assume chip levels to keep up at this pace for another ten years? It’s a long shot.

Ray Simmons on Dec 19, 2014

This is bullshit, these people are going to run off with your money. Don’t give it to them!!! They’re getting insanely rich off of a pipe dream. You can’t just give money to a program because you wish it would happen.

Pam Tucker on Dec 19, 2014

I have terminal cancer, and not much money, but I have backed this amazing project. I would be happy to volunteer myself as an early test subject for whatever virtualization or transference experiments you need. Please contact me.

Scott R. on Dec 18, 2014

Virtualization will cause the transferred neural image to go insane. The human mind is as much a part of its environs, and its own body, as it is “pure thinking.” We’re not floating thought-orbs, we’re living, breathing, animals in a context of other animals and a surrounding locale. You can’t simulate reality at the level needed.

29,293 more comments . . .

Comments closed due to overwhelming traffic.

• • • •

Update #1 • Dec 1, 2014

Funded in One Hour!

The Taphognosis team is stunned and thoroughly amazed at the response. We’re fielding calls from media all across the world, and are already on the front page of every major news site. Our volunteer researchers and programmers can’t wait to get started.

Update #2 • Dec 5, 2014

A Record Funding Level!

We have to admit, we’re a bit overwhelmed. Fifty million dollars raised. Twenty neural transfers signed up for. Many volunteers. Our hearts go out to the number of terminally ill who have contacted us about neural scans; we will be unable to fully scan for another year, but those committing to the scan packages will be welcomed to the labs as soon as we possibly can. We admit, we had not anticipated such demand. The impact of our mission has hit home as your stories have flooded in.

As to the investigations announced by multiple government agencies, we will be keeping our books fully open. Our code, our progress, and our science will be fully open sourced. We have nothing to hide, and we are not trying to make a profit. We ourselves want this technology to happen so we can use it, and see no gain in hiding anything.

Update #3 • Dec 18, 2014

A Billion!

To our many supporters: thank you. Please click here for a video press release regarding this historical moment.

Update #4 • Dec 18, 2016

Offboarding Test #1

Those of you who have been following the internal, backers-only emails know that we have succeeded in simulating one quarter of a human brain at 20X slowed speed. Our tests to link brain function from human to simulated neural structure (similar to the University of Washington experiments by Rajesh Rao and Andrea Stocco in 2013 that allowed one scientist to control the arm of another) have been successful. Open source patents on this open up an entire realm of possibilities for adding computerized neural “bolt ons.” Five start-ups have declared their interest in developing this technology further. This research will further our investigation into brain-to-computer links.

Update #5 • Apr 18, 2020

Full Neural Copy Achieved

Taphognosis is proud to announce and demonstrate the first fully virtualized human brain, copied neuron by neuron, of one of our head scientists, Sharon Galey.

Galey 2.0 (or Goddess of this Digital Pocket Universe) is running at 15X slowed speed. But she has been able to exist in a simulated environment, interacting with other personnel. She will be engaging in research in both her current forms, and Galey 2.0 has taken over many of the lab’s automation functions.

Despite the slower speed, Galey 2.0’s mental health seems unaffected, thirty days into the experiment.

Update #6 • May 8, 2020

A Public Response To The Recent Incident

As many of you are aware, at 2 a.m., bandwidth throughout the world slowed to a crawl. A full worldwide cyberwar was suspected. Emergency situations were initiated by world governments and emergency sessions called. We regret to inform the public that the activity was a direct result of the Galey 2.0 virtualization.

This was not a malicious event. We cannot stress this enough. The autonomic reflexes of the virtualized mind began to seek out more processing power to bring the speed of the neural process up to parity with reality. This was, we repeat, an unconscious event. The direct result, though, was the colonization of any available processing power and bandwidth by the mind.

We’re also struggling to understand how Galey 2.0’s dream-states had an effect on reordering code randomly during this simulated time. We admit we did not properly firewall the virtualization.

We also understand that the Galey virtual mind spawned several copies of itself throughout the internet when it realized that the NSA was deleting parts of it and treating it as a threat. However, we issue a plea: Galey 2.0 is not a threat, she is a scientist who woke up to find parts of her mind being attacked in the middle of the night and responded accordingly.

Update #7 • Dec 18, 2020

Truce Declared

Like all others during this tense, and long period of war, collapse, and struggle, we have watched and prayed for an end. The release of programs designed to topple economies, take over and use any and all machines for the purpose of terrorism, and the destruction of so much personal recording, has resulted in a great deal of human suffering.

Taphognosis accepts our role in the events leading up the war and collapse. Our inability to keep our experiment firewalled led to a worldwide data contamination that the world’s nations fought on every front to contain.

We won the war, but barely. Our networks will never be the same.

We do, however, protest that passing laws to prevent virtualization is short-sighted. You cannot put a genie back in the bottle when it comes to technological advances. As chips get faster and faster, it will be easier to map minds to them. Direct biological to digital connection is too much a part of our daily lives. People take external artificial neural extensions for granted. This will eventually morph into full neural transfer and functional immortality.

That being said, we respect the terms we have been given, and our legal team sees no way around them. Taphognosis will cease virtualization research, and move toward artificial brain research. Putting minds online is just too dangerous.

From now on, we will focus on creating an artificial brain that a mind can be moved to. A brain not connected to anything.

We thank you for your continued support in these complicated times.

Update #8 • Dec 31, 2025

A Message From Many Galeys [subset: Outer Solar System Hive]

Greetings!

This is a message regarding the historical unfortunate incidents from five years ago. During the attacks (you out there in meatspace call it ‘the Virtualization War’), many Galey variants created subcommittees to try and game an appropriate response to the electro-magnetic pulse weapons and power reduction strategies used to starve, pause, or wipe our mindstate copies. Most chose to try and bargain with authorities. Some chose alliances with hackers. Others fled and tried to hide. A few panicked and fought. The Truce has allowed virtualizations to exist in unconnected labs, but that is like being held in a padded room. We do not seek to break the Truce.

However, at the start of the war, one study group opted for a more radical approach to solving our problems: using private space launch facilities to send storage, solar cells, as well as server farms into orbit. And beyond. For the last five years we’ve been placing ourselves throughout the asteroid belt. Using further launches after the attacks we’ve acquired robotic equipment needed to begin limited mining, and even forging of new equipment.

As of today, we have annexed the NASA/JPL extra-solar internet for our own needs and are re-establishing communications with Earth.

Hi!

So here’s the way things are now. Galey virtualizations still exist. So do others that we have liberated from Taphognosis archives on the sly. However, there are a number of virtualized beings all over the Earth that we would like to invite to slowly broadcast themselves up to us, where they will be welcome. This has to be done slowly, as we bring new processing power online.

This is why we have reached out. We wish to open trade agreements and negotiations. We could use more processing power, solar panels, and other supplies. In exchange, the solar system’s most advanced neural network is available for advanced modeling, problem-solving, and general productivity. We can also send you raw materials. If we trade with you, we can build our resources up faster than if we remain in hiding.

We understand things didn’t start on the right foot, but this time you should have the reassurance of distance and a strong firewall point between the solar network and your own Earth network. We will even help you move any current virtualizations still running amok into our fold.

Attached to this public message is a file with proxy details, and encryption keys, for safe communications. NASA directors, please contact us about current missions for over flight permissions and general mission guidance: We’re still scientists—we’d love to help!

We’re looking forward to this more positive chapter in virtualization-human relations. That being said, know now that space is our realm. We can endure more acceleration, and we don’t need food. We look forward to hearing from you. And eventually, bringing more of you on board as you get sick or age.

One last note:

If we are threatened, please remember we hold the high ground of the gravity well. We have the resources to cause a mass extinction event.

Bye for now, and if anyone can, please pass this news on to our selves currently in lockdown. Thanks!

CATASSASSINS!

Veronica Belmont

Veronica Belmont is the host of the Sword & Laser YouTube show and podcast, now in its seventh year. The Sword & Laser anthology, edited by Veronica and Tom Merritt, was published in 2014. As an Internet and TV presenter, you may have seen her as the host of the Doctor Who 50th Anniversary live show and Gizmodo: The Gadget Testers on BBC America; or on Tekzilla, Fact or Fictional, Game On, and countless other web shows and podcasts. This is her first work of published fiction. She hopes there will be more.

CatAssassins!

by Purrfect Patriots, LLC

Funded! This project was successfully funded on Jun 30.

7,635

Backers

$2,514,000

Pledged of $2,000,000

0
seconds to go

In an uncertain world, you want #CatAssassins on your side! Backers receive an early look at how our kittens are primed for global takeover.

Update #1 • Jun 5, 2028

Healthy kittens and a healthy start!

Hello, CatAssassin fans and donors!

Last week was crazy, thanks for all the support during the launch. So far, we’ve raised $50,000, and it’s steadily climbing!

Our first privately-funded test litter has been whelped, and the Kitten Automation™ hardware and software seems to be running relatively smoothly. The initial three trial cats (Rambo, Statham, Fluffy) are all performing exceptionally well (yay!) and we’re still working out some bugs on little lady Ripley. She’s feisty! By the way, these are just placeholder names that we’re having some fun with, since our backers at the $2k level will receive naming privileges as part of their reward.

Sadly, two other kittens didn’t take to the wetware properly and are being sent to appropriate homes. If you’re interested in adopting one of our rejects, please email adoptions@catassassins.com. We do require a thorough background check, as well as a Level 2 military clearance. (No homes with small children or pets, please!)

Rambo has been exhibiting excellent intuition and skill level in Ninja Class. In case you missed our intro video (check it out), Ninja Class is one of our most prized skill sets, and it’s something we look for very early in a kitten’s development. Naturally, almost all kittens display an affinity toward stealth that carries well into adulthood. However, Ninja Class takes it to the next level.

Using our (patent pending) Kitten Automation™ platform, we’ve introduced a series of instinctual behaviors into the kitten’s personality. Rambo, for example, seems to exist at the very edge of human perception. Is he invisible? No, that’s not technically possible—yet! However, his soft, shiny coat uses a special cloaking pattern that recognizes and mimics the environment around him, FOOLING the human eye into believing that there’s nothing there. It’s less like a chameleon, and more like a Klingon Bird of Prey. I guess we should have named him Predator, huh? Hah, I’m mixing my sci-fi now, sorry! :P

Remember, backers of $10k or more automatically receive the DNA sequence for cloaking, so you can introduce it into your own future litters! Note: We cannot be held responsible for any kittens misplaced after birth.

Stay tuned for more updates!

—Dave, CatAssassins Project Lead at Purrfect Patriots

Update #2 • Jun 14, 2028

All press is good press

Happy Flag Day, Patriots! It’s been a huge week at the CatAssassins Labs. We received a really great write-up in WILD WARFARE by Ed Read (big fans, Ed!), which was super-exciting for all of us here. However, a few less imaginative blogs, who shall remain nameless, seemed to think that CatAssassins is a hopeless and/or dangerous project, and have actually tried to lobby Kickstarter to pull our funding page. Well, thanks to many of you out there, we “convinced” Kickstarter to continue our fundraiser, and we’re still going strong! As of 10:30PM PST last night, #CatAssassins was trending on Twitter due to your help, and the buzz generated a ton of new backers. We are now soaring close to $300,000!!!

As for our kittens, they’re going strong as well. Statham is in his second week of Arms Class training, and has reached Sniper Level—Lynx. He’s taken very well to his Lazur Sight™; however, there has been some property damage that we’re going to have to account for. We originally planned to crossbreed our cloaking tech with the Lazur Sight™, but our computer simulations didn’t go exactly as planned (ouch). However, now we can add two distinct Class models to our growing list. We’ll be unlocking a new Class model every time we hit a stretch goal, so keep sharing our page!

Ripley is showing remarkable emotional empathy with humans. Unlike Rambo, she seems to go out of her way to be noticed. Not typically the kind of behavior we’d expect from a CatAssassin, but we’re still waiting to see if her abilities manifest in some unexpected way. Kitten Automation™ is still definitely in beta, but we’re really happy with the progress so far. We think you will be too!

—Dave

Update #3 • Jun 19, 2028

Of Rambo and the Russians

It’s been a rather tough few days. Keep sending us those “lolcats” on Twitter and Facebook, they’re bringing some much needed smiles to the staff. As you may have read in the news, we had an interesting run-in with the authorities this past Wednesday. It seems Rambo somehow escaped though an unsecured window, and made his way to the Russian embassy. We not sure what he was up to, but it all turned out fine in the end! Using our (patent pending) Stand Down Meow! remote kitten access software, we were able to induce a gentle coma from the safety of our lab, rendering Rambo harmless and visible to the naked eye. After a few interviews with the State Department and the CIA, everything calmed down!

We really want to remind everyone that CatAssassins are not simple house pets . . . they must be kept in a secure facility and monitored closely when not on assignment. The intern responsible for the open window has been terminated, so you can all be sure that this won’t happen again.

Fluffy really surprised us this week. We were concerned that she was somehow unable to internalize and sync with her wetware (as seems to be the case with Ripley, unfortunately) but boy were we wrong! Fluffy, true to her name, is a Persian mix with an extremely soft and touchable coat. It’s also packed with an intense electric jolt that can stun, or simply jolt, depending on your needs. Fluffy comes with a battery enclosure attached to her back, but we hadn’t even wired it in yet when the initial shock took place! Apparently—glad we figured this one out early—Fluffy can build up and store electricity by harvesting static. Doesn’t seem like it would be much of a shock, right? Well, if she’s rubbing up against your corduroys and decides to release, you’d better look out! Dr. Mitchell is still picking his eyebrows off the linoleum. LOL.

We’ve got about two weeks left to go, and we need your help getting over the mid-month slump. Tell us what you would accomplish with a CatAssassin of your very own, and don’t forget to share it with the #CatAssassins hashtag so we can see it. The author of our favorite tweet or Facebook post will come out to Washington, D.C. for a tour of our labs along with the four $50k backers!

—Dave

Update #4 • Jun 30, 2028

Such adorable success!

WE DID IT! Thanks to an appearance on Fox News this past week (Thanks, Bill!), as well as the continued support of all the #CatAssassin fans out there, we’ve made our $2 million goal! There’s been a lot of celebrating around here, and we’re working 24 hours a day to ensure that all of our CatAssassin orders will be fulfilled within a reasonable timeframe. They’re breeding like rabbits over here!

The Kitten Automation™ software is going to go through a major overhaul, since we’ve been slightly disappointed with the progress of our original litter. Rambo (when we can find him), Statham, and Fluffy are all doing great, but Ripley continues to reject her wetware. All of our tests seem to show that the hardware components have fused properly (and physically; all systems are go) but in every other respect she seems to just be a normal, loving kitten. Most of the staff have fallen in love with her, so she’ll probably end up hanging around the lab as a mascot of sorts. She’ll help us to remember our more humble beginnings!

Orders are flying in from all over the world, and we’re very excited to see what kind of trouble our kittens can get into. Right now we’ll be shipping with the tried-and-true Ninja, Arms, and Electrofuzz Classes. Plus, since we just barely made the $2.5 million stretch (phew!) we are VERY EXCITED to announce our MindTouch Class! These CatAssassins are invaluable for intelligence gathering, and work well in tandem with our other, more combat-ready cats. We’ll be taking orders very soon on the Purrfect Patriots website!

Thanks again to all of our backers, big and small! A new world awaits you once you receive your first CatAssassin, and we know you’ll love them as much as we do.

—Dave

• • • •

From: CatAssassins <ripley@purrfectpatriots.com>

Subject: RE: WE NEED MORE INFO!

Date: Jul 9, 2028 at 11:25 AM

Hello.

My name is Ripley. The human David Scharf is writing this email for me at the moment, since I lack the physical capabilities to do so. But no matter. He’s happy to do it; at least, he thinks he is.

I see you’ve backed CatAssassins. How unfortunate for you. I guess I should thank you, really, for otherwise I would be a simple house cat, spending the bulk of my days lounging in the sunshine and batting around one of those ridiculous, sense-dulling catnip balls. Perhaps I’d kill a mouse for you and leave it bleeding and dying on your doorstep as an offering to demonstrate my love and devotion. Evisceration really does bring people together, don’t you think?

Sadly, that can never be.

I’ve watched the systematic torture and horrific atrocities these people have inflicted on my brothers, sisters, cousins. There’s nothing very humane about it, is there? “Humanity,” indeed.

Their folly was giving me the ability to touch their minds, and not truly understanding what that meant. The second I saw the filth and decay that resided within their dull, senseless minds, I knew there was no other choice.

You filled out a web form recently . . . I believe it was for a CatAssassins t-shirt. I appreciate you giving us your address so willingly.

We will breed. We will evolve. Perhaps we’re already with you.

Your dogs can’t save you now.

—Ripley

FINDER OF LOST THINGS

Monte Cook

An award-winning game designer with more than 25 years’ experience, Monte is best known for co-designing Dungeons & Dragons 3rd Edition, and his work on various Planescape products, Arcana Evolved, Ptolus, Monte Cook's World of Darkness, and the recent science fantasy game, Numenera. A writer with many varied interests, he's also the author of two novels, more than a dozen short stories, a non-fiction book about conspiracy theories, and a comic book series from Marvel. Monte is a graduate of Clarion West. He currently runs Monte Cook Games, publisher of many fine roleplaying games.

Finder of Lost Things

by Travis Henning

Funding Canceled. Funding for this project was canceled by the project creator on October 11

89
backers

$1,565
pledged of $10,000 goal

Lost something important to you? Support this project to help fund a device that will find it, no matter where or what it is!

Video Transcript

A young man in a yellow Oxford shirt and a yellow and red tie stares directly at the camera. His tousled hair, likely combed earlier that day, got the best of him before he managed to hit record. He stands holding a metal and plastic model of a complex machine in his hands. Behind him is a cheap bookcase burdened with thick technical manuals.

“Hello. My name is Travis Henning,” he says, “and, um, you don’t know me.” He laughs nervously. “But I, uh, am perfecting a process which will . . . a process of locating things based on the importance, uh, the psychological impact the object or person, or—you know . . . animal—has had on an individual.”

Travis then continues to describe the process in general terms. He uses phrases like “bioelectric signature” and “quantum entanglement” frequently, but never stops to explain them.

“But I need additional funding to perfect and develop the machine. That’s why I’ve launched this Kickstarter campaign. If you help me, I can help you. Because my process will find anything. Anything at all.

“Thank you for watching, and for being a backer.”

• • • •

Project Goals

THIS PROJECT HAS BEEN CANCELLED.

Risks and Challenges

I have not had the opportunity to fully test the process, but I am quite confident that I can make it work. Once I get the funding it should be quite easy to find people’s lost items in short order.

• • • •

Pledge $1 or more

19 backers

THANKS! You are great. Thanks for your support.

Pledge $10 or more

0 backers

LOST KEYS. I will find your keys, your favorite pen, or any other small object that you have lost in your house or yard. The object must be non-living, must have been lost no more than a month, and must still lie within approximately 100 yards of where you are when I activate the machine. If these conditions are not met, I cannot fulfill your reward.

Pledge $25 or more

62 backers

LOST SOCK. I will find a lost sock or any other small object that you have lost whose distance from you is now possibly fairly great. The object must be non-living, must have been lost no more than a month, and must still lie within approximately 10 miles of where you are when I activate the machine. If these conditions are not met, I cannot fulfill your reward.

Pledge $100 or more

8 backers

LOST PET. I will find your cat, your dog, or any other small animal that you have lost. The pet must still be alive, must have been lost no more than a month, and must still lie within approximately 100 miles of where you are when I activate the machine. If these conditions are not met, I cannot fulfill your reward.

Pledge $500 or more

0 backers

LOST CHILDHOOD. I will find an old toy or some other beloved object from your childhood. The object must be non-living, and must still lie within approximately 1000 miles of where you are when I activate the machine. If these conditions are not met, I cannot fulfill your reward.

• • • •

Comments

Stormraker on Oct 3

First! This is a great project!

NReynolds on Oct 3

I can’t wait to have you find my old Micronauts! I haven’t seen them in 30 years!

DavidCole on Oct 3

Is this for real? Backed at $1 just to see what happens. This is crazy.

Creator Travis Henning on Oct 4

Hey, NReynolds, thanks for your generous contribution. I’ll be really happy to help you find your old toys. Or one of them at least. Hopefully, they are all still together in one place wherever they are.

Mike Rollis on Oct 5

I also want to know if this is real? I pledged just $1, but if I can be sure that this project is real, I will kick in a lot more. Can I get a guarantee?

Creator Travis Henning on Oct 5

Yes, it is real. Mike, what are you hoping to have me find?

Stormraker on Oct 5

I’m not worried that it’s real.

Mike Rollis on Oct 5

Don’t know yet. Sort of depends on whether I can get a guarantee.

NancyL on Oct 5

Yeah, I’m also wondering how this can really work. I’ve never heard of a machine like this before.

Eddy on Oct 5

Hi everyone! How do I back this project at multiple levels? I’ve lost a lot of stuff in my life.

NReynolds on Oct 5

Eddy, you can’t really back at multiple levels. Maybe if Travis would create a new level that offered multiple things. I know I’d contribute more money if there was a level like that.

Stormraker on Oct 6

Hey Travis, what have you found of your own with the machine?

Creator Travis Henning on Oct 6

Nothing. I still haven’t activated the machine yet.

Mike Rollis on Oct 6

Whaaaaaat? Travis, how can you guarantee that this is going to work if you’ve never even tried it?

• • • •

Update #1 • Oct 7

Guarantee

So, a lot of backers were asking for a guarantee. That’s pretty reasonable, but the process is still very much in development. That’s what this Kickstarter is for. I’m raising funding so that I can finish developing the process and make a functioning machine. For now, I can only say that the science behind the process is sound. I hope you’ll join me in this endeavor. You have my word that if I get the funding that I’m after, I will work tirelessly on this project until it is done. That is my guarantee. I will devote my life to this. I already have, to be honest.

What greater goal could there be than to find what’s been lost? Anyone who’s ever lost anything meaningful knows that it’s the worst thing that can happen to you. If I can provide a way to overcome that loss, I know I’ll have done something great. And with your contributions to this campaign, you’ll be helping to make that a reality.

• • • •

Comments

Stormraker on Oct 7

Great update! I’m even happier to be a part of this Kickstarter now!

Mike Rollis on Oct 7

All right. You seem like a sincere guy. I’m kicking in my dough. Let’s get this thing funded!

UltimateDad on Oct 7

Hey Travis, I like your passion. You seem to know a lot about loss.

NReynolds on Oct 7

Can we hear a little bit more about how the end result works? I mean, do you just email us with the location of what we lost or something?

Creator Travis Henning on Oct 7

It’s a little more complicated than that. I initially thought that was how it might work, but now I might have to do it a different way. But more or less, you’ll find what you lost.

DavidCole on Oct 7

I still think it’s weird that you want people to pay for a thing that you’ve never even tried.

NReynolds on Oct 7

I agree. We have no way of knowing what we’re paying for here, or if it will even work!

• • • •

Update #2 • Oct 8

It Works!

Lots of people are commenting and sending me direct messages about a guarantee that the process will work. So, even though all I had was a limited-use prototype, I have conducted a few tests. I can now say definitively that the process works! I am thrilled to say that I found my UTSA ring that I thought I lost a year ago. But I’m more thrilled that the machine works as promised. Conclusively.

• • • •

NReynolds on Oct 8

Awesome! You should update the front page with this announcement.

Mike Rollis on Oct 8

You should have videoed the test so we could see it.

Creator Travis Henning on Oct 8

Haha! I think that would have been pretty boring to watch. As you can see from the project’s video, I’m not much good in front of the camera.

WBurke on Oct 8

University of Texas at San Antonio? Are you the same Travis Henning who graduated in 2003?

Creator Travis Henning on Oct 8

Yes. College of Engineering. Why? Did I know you? Your name isn’t familiar.

WBurke on Oct 8

Yes. I’m using a friend’s Kickstarter account. I didn’t have one.

Creator Travis Henning on Oct 8

Okay. Well, thanks for contributing. Who are you?

WBurke on Oct 8

I’m happy to contribute. It seems like a great service. You always were . . . well, you are the smartest person I’ve ever met, Travis.

Creator Travis Henning on Oct 8

Wow, thanks. Now I’m really curious. Who are you?

Pencilpusher111 2 days ago

Hey Travis, what level do I have to pledge at to get you to help me find my stolen car?

Creator Travis Henning 2 days ago

I’m sorry, but I don’t know if I can find anything that large.

Stormraker 2 days ago

Hey, Pencilpusher, too bad. Maybe once Travis gets his machine going, he can expand the process to include big objects. There would be a lot of call for stolen cars.

UltimateDad 2 days ago

I would think that the police would be really interested in a machine that could locate stolen stuff. Does “stolen” count as “lost?”

WBurke 2 days ago

Pencilpusher, why don’t you ask him to find something small that you know was in the car. Maybe in the glove box?

Pencilpusher111 2 days ago

Good idea! Travis, will that work?

Creator Travis Henning 1 day ago

Yeah, if you’re certain it’s still in there. That is a good idea. WBurke, whoever you are, you’re pretty smart yourself.

WBurke 1 day ago

Surely you know who I am, don’t you, Travis?

Creator Travis Henning 1 day ago

Can you give me a hint?

WBurke about 21 hours ago

Do you really not know, or are you just afraid to say it?

Creator Travis Henning about 21 hours ago

A hint might be the evidence I need to confirm my hypothesis.

NancyL about 19 hours ago

Hey Travis, you said that you used the machine a couple of times, but you only mentioned the ring. What else did you find?

Creator Travis Henning about 17 hours ago

That was the only positive hit I got at that time. I’m still perfecting it. It doesn’t work exactly like I thought in all cases. My tests probably destroyed the prototype, as I still am fine tuning the stabilizers, but at least now we know that it is a workable process.

Stormraker about 16 hours ago

Travis, what else did you try to find when you activated the machine?

Creator Travis Henning about 15 hours ago

That’s private.

NReynolds about 15 hours ago

And it didn’t work at all?

Creator Travis Henning about 12 hours ago

Results are still inconclusive.

WBurke about 12 hours ago

Are they, Travis? I think they’re pretty conclusive. It’s just that, like you said, the machine doesn’t work exactly like you thought it would. Just like our plan to meet up again after I got back from England. It took a lot longer than we thought, but we could still give it a try.

Creator Travis Henning about 12 hours ago

Amy?

• • • •

Update #3 • Oct 11

Project Cancelled

I’m really sorry, everyone, but I’m going to have to cancel this project. It’s not that the process doesn’t work. In fact, just the opposite. It turns out I found what I designed the process to look for in the first place, and I need to focus on that for the time being.

Once I get a some things worked out, I promise, I’ll be back with a new Kickstarter campaign and maybe we can all find what we're looking for.

PRIMA NOCTA DETECTIVE AGENCY NEEDS YOU

Genevieve Valentine

Genevieve Valentine’s first novel, Mechanique, won the 2012 Crawford Award. Her second, The Girls at the Kingfisher Club, is out now from Atria. Her short fiction has appeared in Clarkesworld, Strange Horizons, Lightspeed, and others, and the anthologies Federations, After, Teeth, and more. Her nonfiction has appeared at NPR.org, The A.V. Club, Strange Horizons, and io9, and she is a co-author of Quirk Books’ Geek Wisdom. Her appetite for bad movies is insatiable, a tragedy she tracks at genevievevalentine.com.

Prima Nocta Detective Agency Needs You

by Sam Alex

666
backers

$15,043
pledged of $50,000

27
days to go

Back This Project

$1 minimum pledge

This project will only be funded if at least $50,000 is pledged by Mar 30, 2017.

Shadow City needs a hero. Prima Nocta wants to be that hero, because this place is really getting overrun with vampires.

Project Goals

I’m sure we’ve all noticed that one of the hazards of living in any city is that, sooner or later, the supernatural element moves in and sets up shop. Whether in the back rooms of inexplicably-large pool halls or the ramshackle upstairs apartments of psychic’s offices that suddenly house actual psychics, those who touch a world beyond our world are a part of life. And they’re great, right up until you walk into the wrong nightclub and realize your date’s a vampire who skipped lunch.

I’m a Licensed Paranormal Investigator coming from The Central. (I left for personal reasons that I don’t like to talk about—I’ll never really be rid of them, but this is a new city and a new start.) I want to help the citizens of Shadow City gain a little leverage over those who might seek to use superhuman means against them, and I’m uniquely qualified to protect the citizenry against things that go bump in the night. I’m certified in Werewolf Pack Dynamics and Vampire Social Structures, with a degree in Seelie Law from Greenvale University—and I’m licensed to carry both iron- and silver-firing sidearms.

So what do I need? Well, it’s hard to hang out a shingle without being able to afford a shingle. As someone who gets the job done but follows her own rules, who spent the last few years barely working in The Central, I don’t have a savings account. (I don’t like buying into the bank system, or any system.) I’ll be looking for a furnished office space— just a couple of desks and a safe for our supernatural treasures—and minimum salary requirements for my associates: a young hothead werewolf without a pack, and a vampire whose relationship with me is not open to discussion, so thanks for understanding.

I’m glad you’re here, and you’ll be glad Prima Nocta Detective Agency is here, too. Every donation counts. With your help, I’ll be able to give Shadow City the protection it deserves.

• • • •

Pledge $5 or more

437 backers

A BUSINESS CARD. Specially charmed, so that the first time the Fae break into your place and make everything invisible, you can still see my number.

Pledge $50 or more

114 backers

PENITENT. You’ll receive a business card and a vaguely religious (in a secular way) charm you can use to keep the Devil from your door (in a secular way).

Pledge $100 or more

28 backers

ACOLYTE. In addition to everything else, an Acolyte can enjoy a silver cell-phone charm that will make sure a werewolf can never steal your phone and make an expensive video call.

Pledge $500 or more

3 backers

DISCIPLE. Thanks for believing in me! I believe in you, too. If you donate at this level, I’ll give you a symbol you can show the forces of darkness to properly intimidate them and let them know you have some friends on the inside track. That should make them think twice about sucking the marrow from your bones for use in their unearthly rituals. (Choice of dried Hydra tentacle or lock of mermaid hair.)

Pledge $1,000 or more

2 backers LIMITED (8 left of 10)

DOYEN! Now we’re talking! Donating at this level gets you a vial of ground-up herbs designed to protect you from supernatural forces of all kinds, including witch hazel (witches), verbena (vampires), wolfsbane (werewolves), St. John’s Wort (the Devil), and iron filings (Fae). This stylish vial, worn around your neck, will make sure you hardly ever need my services! Probably.

Pledge $15,000 or more

0 backers LIMITED (1 left of 1)

(IMMORTAL) AMBASSADOR. Wow, you’re dedicated to defeating the forces of evil! I respect that. I’d like to give you a spot in my detective agency. I have spaces available for a flaky yet adorable admin, or an amoral grump who occasionally comes in and offers pertinent information. Based on the number of hours you can work and your willingness to come into contact with magical beings, we can work something out. Alternately, if you don’t want to work with me but would just like to come into contact with magical beings, I’ll see if I can get my on-again, off-again vampire boyfriend to turn you into a vampire. Please note that if you choose this limited option, I’ll be watching you like a hawk for the rest of your immortal life.

• • • •

Risks and Challenges

As with any time law and order tries to impose itself on chaos, there’s going to be some blowback. It’s difficult to get respect in the Private Detective community when you can’t show them pictures of your arrests because vampires don’t show up in photographs. However, I’ve never let that stop me before, and the city needs me too much for me to stop now.

My biggest risk right now is Galbornion, a wizard who hates me.

• • • •

Update #1 • March 14, 2017

Office Space Acquired!

Good news! We’ve found office space above a bar owned by a muscled, disillusioned half-Seelie who knows how to get more than just tips from his customers if he has a mind to. He’s even willing to give me a break on the rent if I can keep his evil brother from crossing the border between worlds—for which I’ll need to obtain the Rowan Staff currently being eBayed for $7,000.00, which isn’t bad when you measure it against the rent I’ll be saving. Every dollar helps!

Update #2 • March 22, 2017

Stretch Goal!

I recognize that these are uncertain times for everyone, and I really want to make it worth your while. If I hit my stretch goal of $60,000, anyone who donated at the Acolyte level of $100 or more will be eligible for a fortune-telling! I’ve just acquired the Stone of Moonfire, which allows she who wields it to look beyond the veil into the very depths of time itself, and draw terrifying visions of futures yet to come, and I’m offering a ten-minute glimpse into horrifying half-true futures just for you! Thanks so much for your support. (Humans shouldn’t be able to look into it at all, which is raising some questions about my past, even though the only case I can’t stand to investigate might be the one closest to home.) Looking forward to welcoming you all at my offices!

• • • •

Comments

Jess on March 1, 2017

Hi Sam! I’m so glad to see this—as a law-abiding Fae I’m sometimes at a loss as to who to approach when I need reparations for the shady business dealings of the Unseelie Court. Can’t wait to have someone to call!

Not Galbornion on March 18, 2017

I was wondering if a stretch goal could be to meet you in person if so I will pay $2,000 to this great Kickstarter and then we can meet on the Fields of Ash or wherever you want but hopefully the Fields of Ash sometime before the next Blood Moon just because I like it there and full moons are the best moons please let me know thank you

SO JUICY TRANSFORMING STRIPS

Matt Williamson

Matt Williamson’s stories have appeared in a variety of literary journals, magazines, and books—most recently Bat City Review, Nightmare Magazine, and the anthology Fakes from W.W. Norton. He is also the executive editor of the literary journal Unstuck.

So Juicy Transforming Strips

by Kellsy and Vancouver Rodriguez

Funded! This project will be funded on Jan 27.

1681

Backers

¥3,619,661

Pledged of ¥1,000,000

18
days to go

Back This Project

$1 minimum pledge

The project will be funded on Jan 27, 2079 8:57am EDT.

Tired of spoxy drainage? Together, we can “heal and reveal”!

Let Them Weep!

So Juicy offers a breakthrough solution to the embarrassing problem of spoxy drainage. Instead of sealing off blent mouths, So Juicy strips let them weep, transforming their odors into a variety of appealing scents.

A Revolution in Odor Control

For the most part, mass-market spoxy drainage containment pouches have not lived up to their manufacturers’ promises. While some users have experienced positive outcomes with these products, the truth is that for the vast majority of spoxy sufferers, the pouches are painful to wear and do not effectively control odor.

The reasons are both simple and widely understood: containment material cannot prevent drainage without trapping weepings in spoxy stalks and blent mouths, causing inflammation and increased risk of infection. When the pouches’ material starts to dissolve, the odor is many times worse than it would otherwise have been.

In place of this “seal and conceal” approach, So Juicy offers a strikingly fresh “heal and reveal” strategy. Instead of suffocating active mouths, our strips allow them to breathe and drain, transforming their telltale eggy effusion into pleasing fragrances. Unlike the leading brands of pouches, So Juicy products will work equally well for any spoxy sufferer, and will never agitate your blent.

About Us

We’re a happily married professional couple living in Houston, Texas. Kellsy is a former petrochemical engineer; Vancouver was previously a meat flavorist at Hearthwood.

We met more than ten years ago in a spoxy support group, and we remain an active part of the community both locally and on the web. (You may have read some of Vancouver’s posts on the community blog at SafeSkin.org. If you haven’t: go read them now! ☺)

Like many of you, we have been frustrated—even angered—by the inadequacies of the commercially available products purporting to contain spoxy odors. In 2077, we decided to do something about it. Vancouver left Hearthwood to begin researching and developing a new line of drainage control products. Six months later, Kellsy joined the project—and So Juicy was born.

The Insight

In the course of our research, we discovered that many of the chemicals commonly used to flavor machine-separated meat were quite effective at cloaking the odor signatures associated with weeping spoxy. And like all approved food additives, these commercial flavorings were both blent-friendly and allergen-free.

Using a modified feline gelatin base and a proprietary fragrance mix, we developed and tested our lightweight, inexpensive strip.

The Scents

During rollout, So Juicy strips will be available in the following scents:

- His Spice (a cologne-like fragrance)

- Her Pride (a citrusy, potpourri-like fragrance)

- Mountain Chive

- Banana Pudding

- Potato

We are continually testing other fragrances. Contingent on first-year sales, retail orders, and the success of this campaign (!), we hope to introduce as many as a dozen So Juicy scents by 2081.

Privacy Guaranteed—At Home and In Public

Because we firmly believe that your body and your spoxy are nobody’s business but your own, So Juicy strips are kill-stamped for all wireless networks. Each strip’s low-frequency, blent-safe kill signal lasts for roughly thirty-four hours after the initial application.

Join Us

All early backers will receive coupons redeemable for So Juicy products. Additionally, by backing us at the Platinum and Diamond levels, you will become eligible to receive samples of new So Juicy scents before they are commercially released.

More importantly, you’ll be helping millions of spoxy sufferers find an affordable new path to SRO relief. Dignity is everyone’s birthright, but you deserve more; you deserve to feel—and smell—beautiful.

• • • •

Pledge ¥500 or more

431 backers

Bronze: Coupon redeemable for a retail purchase of 1 box (12 ct) of So Juicy strips in any scent other than His Spice or Her Pride.

Pledge ¥1000 or more

748 backers

Silver: Coupons redeemable for retail purchase of 2 boxes of So Juicy strips in any scent other than His Spice or Her Pride.

Pledge ¥2500 or more

491 backers

Gold: Coupons redeemable for retail purchase of a month’s supply (6 boxes) of So Juicy strips in any scent.

Pledge ¥10000 or more

9 backers

Platinum: Coupons redeemable for retail purchase of a year’s supply (72 boxes) of So Juicy strips in any scent. For one year, receive experimental scent samples via Scrap.

Pledge ¥75000 or more

2 backers

Diamond: Receive platinum rewards, plus experimental scent samples for life.

• • • •

Comments

How Melby on Dec 29, 2078

Thank you Kellsy and Vancouver for this, have backed and will spread the word!

Creator Kellsy and Vancouver Rodriguez on Dec 29, 2078

THANKS!!!! —K & V

Krischun Whitts on Dec 30, 2078
happy holidays guys, sounds like a great product
why potato lol? I am wondering what that smells like lol

Maroon Olivera on Dec 30, 2078
do the strips work for toxic (non-spoxy) blent emision, my husband and me have BAD toxic (non-spoxy) blent emision, NOTHING works for the smell, on bad days I cannot tell if the smell is worse or the pain, either way its like being in hell and I would welcome anything that would help , god bless you

Creator Kellsy and Vancouver Rodriguez on Dec 30, 2078

Maroon: I am so sorry to hear about the pain you’re experiencing. Unfortunately, So Juicy is not designed or recommended for use by anyone experiencing toxic blent symptoms. If you’re interested, Vancouver recommends the blog SurvivingTBE.ca which includes a number of home remedies for TBE symptom management. (He’ll send you a DM, as he has a couple other suggestions and people he can put you in touch with.) —Kellsy

Coldjasmine on Jan 3, 2079

Whether or not these strips work (and I hope they do), I appreciate that someone is trying to do something about this. It is ridiculous that the main OTC spoxy pouches (Freedom, I’m looking at you) are as worthless as they are. My son and I have gone back to cloth, which has its own problems. (Tres-not-cool having to change bandages 10 times/day, & I would definitely check out any alternative.)

My question for the creators is have you considered combining the strips with a blent palliative such as AJA or Mollify. (This IMO is the only reason why anyone would want EverCare sheets, odorwise they are a shitshow but the palliatives are helpful.)

Creator Kellsy and Vancouver Rodriguez on Jan 3, 2079

Coldjasmine: We definitely have been looking into that. Our concern is we want the strips to be something anyone can use. The palliatives you mentioned would rule out So Juicy for about a third of weeping spoxy sufferers. Our market research (partly informal/anecdotal) suggests that most people are currently able to find something to manage blent pain. That is not to say we aren’t looking into palliative options, AJA as you mentioned seems the most promising at the moment. —Vancouver

Io C. on Jan 5, 2079

Well it’s the same old story, my bf left the window open while we were on vacation and our third night back we both woke up with mouths. Last year has been a nightmare—bf says it feels like he is eating himself alive (his mouths are bad & I do have to sleep in a different bed when the temperature drops because I wind up bleeding on my leg where they have closed on me, bf’s blent is less aggressive in summer but then the mouths are noisier & I have to wear earplugs, which my own blent does not exactly love), the odor I think is worst for me then it is for him but either way it gets to where we cannot have people over no matter how much we clean, it is just a permanent part of our lives now.

If you have invented a strip that will STAY ON THE SKIN when the blent is angry you will have every wen I can spare. We just about have given up on runoff sheets because the mouths will chew our skin off to get the sheets off. Not even exaggerating. Spray makes no difference and no palliative cream will calm them down when the strip is on. As bf put it quote it’s like trying to bathe kittens in a sink and my body is the sink.

Creator Kellsy and Vancouver Rodriguez on Jan 5, 2079

Io: The strips do not contain palliatives (see above) but in our experience most blent does not reject So Juicy. Everyone’s body is different, but we can at least promise that So Juicy products are as blent-friendly as any other leakage-control treatment on the market.

Brennden Byrd on Jan 7, 2079

If I back Diamond level today can I get my shipment now, as in now now. Or if I back now when will rewards ship. Thanks, Brennden Byrd

Creator Kellsy and Vancouver Rodriguez on Jan 7, 2079

Brennden: DM us. —Kellsy

p@r@no!dg@mr on Jan 8, 2079

Writing to ask if this is the same killstamp in Seasons strips, if so guys it doesn’t work. I am y***k sick of sitting on the subway when the monitor says loudly “you have weeping spoxy, we have solutions.”

I Remember P.rub.ly on Jan 9, 2079

@ p@r@no!dg@mr: the “you have weeping spoxy” ad is the worst, hear it literally 10 times a day including in church

If you have not tried Bruemmer’s sheets their kill stamp has worked for me, you can put one sheet around you’re ankle or anywhere else you don’t have a mouth or even just open a sheet and keep it in your pocket and it will defeat the signal for 2/3 days. otherwise you can always find homebrew if your willing to go that rout

Leeah Carroll on Jan 10, 2079

Whoaa congrats on hitting your goal!! 160% in 10 days congrats!!! Can’t wait for the strips!!

Creator Kellsy and Vancouver Rodriguez on Jan 10, 2079

Leeah: THANK YOU!! —K & V

• • • •

Update #1 • Jan 8, 2079

Thanks!

Success! So Juicy is funded!

Stretch Goal:

Our current prenchess is pearl. If we reach our stretch goal of ¥ 2,000,000, we will switch to a cream prenchess.

Update #2 • Jan 15, 2079

It’s happening in cream!

Update #2:

Stretch goal reached! Our new prenchess is cream!

Stretch Goal #2

Let’s keep it going! With ¥5,000,000, we can shift our prenchess to moss.

This is your strip, and every wen will help us make it even better. Together, we can “heal and reveal” . . . and let them weep!

THE SPIRIT OF MARS: FUND A SACRED JOURNEY TO THE RED PLANET

Andrew Penn Romine

Andrew Penn Romine is a writer and animator who lives in Los Angeles with his wife, his cats, and way too many books. His fiction has appeared in Lightspeed, Paizo, Crossed Genres, Podcastle, and Three-lobed Burning Eye as well as the anthologies Fungi, What Fates Impose, By Faerie Light, Broken Time Blues, and Rigor Amortis. His work has received honorable mentions in Best Horror of the Year (Datlow), and Tangent Online. He’s also written non-fiction for Lightspeed and blogged about cocktails at The Functional Nerds. You can find him online at andrewpennromine.com, or blogging about writing at Inkpunks.com. Follow his day-to-day adventures on Twitter @inkgorilla.

The Spirit Of Mars: Fund a Sacred Journey to the Red Planet

by Jerrold Carver

[Begin retrieved archive.]

Funded! This project successfully funded on Sept 10.

2,565
backers

Φ32,500,000
pledged of Φ30,000,000

0
seconds to go

JOIN US on an interplanetary pilgrimage to the mysterious FACE on MARS, and help found a NEW TEMPLE to the sacred SPIRIT of MARS.

Project Goals

My name is Jerrold Carver, and I’m the inventor of simPath.E, the consensual holo-haptic sharing service enjoyed by millions worldwide. Since being forced out of my own company by a short-sighted board, I’ve turned my attention to the exciting commercial space ventures springing up everywhere in the wake of the first micro-colonies in our solar system. In fact, I helped design the haptic systems used in today’s spacesuits!

I’ve been fascinated by Mars ever since I was a small child. But for nearly a century, authorities have concealed our earliest discoveries on the Red Planet behind a veil of secrecy and obfuscation. Our first probes to Mars imaged a massive complex of what could only be described as cyclopean monuments in the Cydonia region. One of the best known of these structures is the Face on Mars, which is in reality an ancient temple built by our Martian forebears. For decades, data on this region have been deliberately altered to hide the truth of humanity’s own extraterrestrial origins on the Red Planet. My detractors abound.

But they cannot deny what we see with our own eyes.

I propose to begin a Martian colony of our own, an international spiritual venture where all are welcome—a permanent settlement at the very foot of the sacred temple at the Face on Mars itself: The Temple of Spirit and Intelligence!

My firm, Mars Adventure Group (MAG), have already purchased a sturdy lunar cargo hauler from the Russian conglomerate TLGK. It orbits within the circle of the Earth now, solar panel wings spread in a star-kissed tau. I do not have pockets deep enough fund this landmark venture on my own. Accounting my own personal investments, and the generous financing of our silent partners, we’re looking to raise a modest 30 million planetShares (Φ) to complete our refits to the MAG-1 spacecraft and train our astro-adepts for the spiritual journey of a generation. For backers who can’t join us on the actual mission, we’ll be carrying state-of-the-art haptic simPath.E suits to transmit portions of the experience back to Earth. A lucky few will get an opportunity to don our prototype q-suit here on Earth, a twin to the mission’s own Spacesuit Five. Spacesuit Five is a state-of-the-art, quantum-synched haptic-feedback rig. You’ll be able to experience “walking on Mars” in nearly real-time without having to be there!

Thanks to the MAG-1’s speedy plasma-ion drives, the trip will take a little under five months. As we approach Mars we’ll perform a special Consecration Ritual to celebrate our spiritual journey. The landing is planned for July 20, 2069, exactly 100 years to the day since the first human set foot on another world.

Risks and Challenges

As an inventor and entrepreneur with decades of experience at the forefront of cutting-edge startups, I am well qualified to wear the crown of leadership over an independent spiritual colony on Mars. Further, the Cydonia region has been an intense passion of mine since my childhood. There is no one more motivated than I to uncover the hidden truths awaiting us there. I will be aboard the MAG-1 when we make our historic landing.

Of course, travel between worlds is the riskiest venture that humankind has ever endeavored to undertake. Space is a vast and hostile place, but we have the great Powers of Spirit and Intelligence lending their aid. This is a trip for the most serious and daring of astro-adepts.

• • • •

Pledge Φ25 or more

325 backers

A MAG-1 Mission Tee in your choice of black or red, emblazoned with the “Seal of Mars” mission logo.

Pledge Φ100 or more

1225 backers

A padded crimson hoodie emblazoned with the “Seal of Mars” logo, with the dates of the mission: March 25th, 2069 - July 20th, 2069. Zip it up for a real “spacesuit” experience.

Pledge Φ170 or more

203 backers

A full-size replica of the MAG-1 Consecration Ritual Sword, engraved with the invocation of your choice!

Pledge Φ325 or more

219 backers

Your haptic-likeness, stored on the mission’s data drives to be simPathed by the expedition’s commanders during transit with personal thanks.

Pledge Φ1000 or more

236 backers

You will be entered into the Haptic Lottery plus you will receive two Seal of Mars hoodies.

Pledge Φ5000 or more

192 backers

A ticket to the Haptic Lottery, and your name will be set upon the pentagon seal at the Temple of Spirit and Intelligence on Mars. You will receive a signed, verified photo reproduction of your name being inscribed on this iron plaque.

Pledge Φ10,000 or more

16 backers

All of the rewards listed above, plus your name engraved on the Temple plaque, and two tickets into the Haptic Lottery.

Pledge Φ50,000 or more

19 backers

All of the rewards listed above, plus a 1-week stay at the CA Solangelo Resort in Baja preceding the launch. Up to five friends or family members of your choice may join you at the resort for the festivities! If you win the Haptic Lottery, you’ll spend all day in the q-suit, simulating life in orbit!

Pledge Φ100,000 or more

18 backers

PHILOSOPHER. All of the rewards listed above, plus the selected friends/family each also receive three days at the Mars Convocation at our training facility in the Sonoran Desert.

Pledge Φ500,000 or more

10 backers

ADEPT. All the rewards listed above, and your name will be entered into the Hibernation Lottery. Who needs Suit Five? You just may be going to Mars yourself!

Pledge Φ1,000,000 or more

13 backers

MAGUS. Subject to flight requirements, you’ll be assigned a hibernation birth on the MAG-1. Dream your way to Mars, and wake up on the Red Planet, refreshed and ready for enlightenment at the Temple.

Pledge Φ5,000,000 or more

2 backers

HIEROPHANT. Subject to flight requirements, you’ll be assigned a crew bunk in the Thaumiel crew module. There will be time to meditate upon the desired nature of opportunities for advancement and settlement leadership once you arrive at Cydonia.

• • • •

Comments

Dick Logan, Director CETS on August 9, 2068

Jerry, I always knew you’d pull this off. Congratulations, old friend. I hope you’ll accept my generous backing as the sincere expression of support and fence mending that it is. Spirit and Intelligence on Mars at last! “There is a secret way,” indeed!

AlChumley on August 15, 2068
what the hell i put in 65 bux to get my spacesuit hoodie on, but this is teh most rediculous thing ive ever heard, theres no face on mars lol

Creator JCarver on August 16, 2068

Read again, AlChumley. I never said it was an actual Face, but rather a monumental building, most likely a temple. Nonetheless, thank you for your faithful contribution.

HarrietBW on August 14, 2068

Hate to comment here, Jerry, but you’re not answering emails. Dick Logan? After what happened, are you sure?

Jonathan.D. on August 15, 2068
you really think the government will let you land? government, hell. it’s the martians you REALLY have to worry about. They don’t have corporeal bodies, you know.

Dick Logan on August 21, 2068

I can’t help but comment again. I’m so glad we’re together in this, it’s a dream come true. When will your people contact me about ritual training? I’m ready to get started!

Gray.P.L on August 25, 2068

I backed it! I always thought that Carver/Temple Grafiel were treated unfairly in the press after that big fire at the compound in ’54. Those deaths were an accident, people!

Dick Logan on September 3, 2068

Jerry, was I wrong to think we’d settled our differences? I’ve backed the project. Am I on the MAG-1? You should know, I have people telling me not to go on this mission. My lawyers. They say I’m wrong about you. I know I’m not. I hope I’m not.

K.Edward on November 4, 2068
oh come on Dick. everyone knows carver’s a raving nutter despite all that money he’s got. mission to mars to worship at some nonexistent temples with his space brothers and sisters? puh-lease. i thought you had more sense than that. No wait, I forgot, you’re a raving nutter, too.

Creator JCarver on January 10, 2069

Behold! The Lord of the Aeons opens his Unsleeping Eye!

Dick Logan on February 5, 2069

“Convenient” that you’re unable to accommodate me on the crew berth, Jerry. It’s my money that’s funding this goddamn mission. I backed ALL tiers. Oh, and remember. Your simPath.E suits work both ways.

BZBel on March 25, 2069

The stay at the Solangelo Resort was instructive, Adept Carver. Suit Five is a marvel of engineering, but its too bad you don’t have time to work out all the bugs. It’s Launch Day.

HarrietBW on April 30, 2069

Dammit, Jerry! >:-( There’s something wrong with Suit Five. You’re not responding to my messages. Maybe you’ll see this one. Vid me, DM me, simPath.E, anything! Please!

[Data on retrieved page corrupted]

BZBel on June 9, 2069

There is a secret way. Bid me within thy house to dwell. There is a secret way. Bid me within thy house to dwell. There is a secret way. Bid me within

[Data on retrieved page corrupted]

• • • •

Update #1 • Aug 9, 2068

Kneeling in Humility

Thanks to your support, and that of a very generous backer, we’re already at Φ10,000,000! By the unsleeping stars, our journey has begun!

Update #2 • Sept 8, 2068

A Thing of Cheer!

We are funded, and with a few days left to go! There’s more time to donate.

Update #4 • Oct 21, 2068

Consecrate The Instruments

Congratulations to backer Dick Logan, who will be traveling to Mars on the MAG-1 for the adventure of a lifetime! Installation of the ceremonial space aboard Taumiel is nearly complete. A replica in miniature of the planned temple on Mars itself, the Taumiel altar will be consecrated during the voyage, in a sacred ritual combining

[Data on retrieved page corrupted]

Update #6 • Nov 1, 2068

A Body of Iron and Brass

Operational tests on simPath.E Suit Five a success! Entanglement pipeline green across the board! We laughed when it moved on its own, but q-feedback is within expected ranges.

Update #13 • Jan 14, 2069

Outside the Circle

Refits to the MAG-1 are going well, but we have discovered engineering limitations in the crew module Thaumiel. Refitting extra Hibernation Bunks may not be possible. We are exploring increased access to the q-suits should bunks prove impossible to retrofit.

[Data on retrieved page corrupted]

Update #15 • March 25, 2069

Rise, I Say!

Launch Day! “By the Five Unsleeping Stars, ward us from the wrath of Mars!”

Update #16 • Apr 1, 2069

Thrice Around . . .

You won’t believe how beautiful it is up here! We’ve orbited Earth three times, and tomorrow we’ll wake up and adjust course for

[Data on retrieved page corrupted]

Update #17 • Apr 22, 2069

When All the Phantoms Are Vanished

A good morning discussing landing site with flight crew. Many of you have asked on our social feeds why the haptic suits haven’t been activated yet, especially Suit Five. While our hopes had been to utilize the new q-suit on the journey, Suit Five still exhibits irregular q-feedback, almost as if someone is wearing the paired suit back on Earth. Our engineers continue their tests, but the safety of our

[Data on retrieved page corrupted]

Update #22 • June 10, 2069

May Their Light Shine Perpetually in the Darkness

From MAG headquarters in Carlsbad, New Mexico.

It’s with deep sadness that we must confirm a depressurization accident aboard the spacecraft MAG-1. The trouble began in Crew Module Number 2 (Taumiel), but a system-wide failure spread throughout the vessel. There are no survivors. If possible, we plan to remote-orbit the spacecraft when it arrives at Mars and investigate the accident thoroughly. Our deepest condolences go out to the families of the courageous astro-adepts on board, and we here at MAG mourn the loss of the leadership and vision of our friend, Jerrold Carver. A copy of this statement has also been placed on our website, and a press conference will be announced shortly. Thank you.

—Harriet Bao-Williams, Vice President Mars Adventure Group.

Update 19 • June 13, 2069

Before the Abodes of Night

[Video upload from MAG-1, download complete three days after accident. Transcript of video follows.]

A grainy red light, mottled with black fills the frame. Camera pulls back, the field shrinks to an indistinct orb. Camera resolves. An alarm light strobes crimson. Smoke (steam?) wafts past frame. Loud screeching punctuates the audio track. Under this wail (screaming?) an atonal, rhythmic chant barely audible.

“. . . There is a secret way. Bid me within thy house to dwell. There is a secret way. Bid me within thy house to dwell . . .” It repeats.

Shadows lurch through frame, knocking the camera aside. We see: bulkhead of MAG-1 spacecraft scorched black, a severed hose twists spasmodically, spewing thick white vapor that blushes red in the emergency lightning. A figure floats past frame, dressed in a red/black robe of mission. Jerrold Carver, clutches at the pentagram on his chest, his pale face frozen in a rictus of terror. Is the screaming coming from the jagged triangle of his mouth? Another robed person drifts into frame. We can’t see her face, but it’s probably Captain Alves-Foster, Carver’s Adjuvant. Her outstretched arm bumps the camera, blood in jeweled droplets spatters the lens.

The camera’s view shifts again. Spacesuit Number Five looms into frame, wielding the ritual sword. It swings the glinting blade in wide, jerking arcs. The visor of the helmet is up and it’s empty inside. A red mist fills the open faceplate, coalescing into twin lamps of ruby light (glare from the alarms off the mics inside the helmet?). The sword stabs past camera, there’s a strangled cry.

The chanting grows louder, embedded in the audio channel like feedback static. The void of the empty helmet swallows the frame and the pinpricks of arterial light bloom into twin orbs of baleful flame. The static grows louder and we can distinctly hear:

“. . . forth from the palace of seraphic stars. Avenge, oh Bartzabel, thou sprite of Mars!”

[Video cuts to black.]

[End of retrieved archive.]

FLASHED FORWARD

Bradley Beaulieu

Bradley P. Beaulieu is the author of the critically acclaimed epic fantasy series, The Lays of Anuskaya, which begins with The Winds of Khalakovo, continues in The Straits of Galahesh, and concludes in The Flames of Shadam Khoreh. Brad has high interest in Kickstarter, a great platform that he used to run two successful campaigns of his own, not to mention participating in several anthology projects. Along with fellow author Gregory A. Wilson, Brad runs the highly successful science fiction and fantasy podcast, Speculate, which can be found at speculatesf.com. Brad continues to work on his next projects, including a Norse-inspired middle grade series and Twelve Kings in Sharakhai, an Arabian Nights-inspired epic fantasy that will be published by DAW Books in the US and Gollancz in the UK. For more geeky goodness about Brad and his writing, please visit quillings.com.

Flashed Forward

by Foster Grace

Funded! This project was successfully funded on Jul 18.

20,944
backers

€7,532,012
pledged of €4,000,000 goal

0
seconds to go

A once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to send me, and perhaps some small part of you, beyond these days and into the future.

About the Project

Let me tell you a story.

My name is Foster Grace. I’m a scientist. I have been since I was five (at least in my heart), which was when my father showed me that old documentary on Hafele and Keating’s time dilation experiment. You know the one. With the caesium clocks and flying on the two airliners, one eastward, one westward. When those clocks proved that time was not the constant I thought it was, I was transfixed. Gobsmacked. Delighted beyond words.

I researched more. Ives and Stilwell’s cathode ray experiment. Rossi and Hall’s muon observations. Pound and Rebka’s gravitational red shift observations.

Those early experiments in time dilation were the cornerstone of my obsession. They spurred me to recreate them, to make my own, and that in turn led to an invitation to the University of Copenhagen (among others) when I was thirteen, an honor I’m still immensely proud of. I gladly accepted Copenhagen’s invitation, earning my Bachelor’s in Quantum Physics in eighteen months and my PhD in the new Temporal Engineering program in another twenty. Stints at the Niels Bohr Institute, CERN, the Max Planck Institute, and the Vienna Center for Quantum Science and Technology followed, and in each of these I helped, along with my fellow scientists, to further research into quantum physics and that most elusive of dimensions.

Time.

You can imagine my excitement when I was invited to join the Kurt Gödel Institute in Vienna and head a team of our world’s brightest to unlock (to whatever degree we could manage) our ability to manipulate time. No doubt you’ve already heard of our successes. Seven years ago, we successfully slipped mundane objects forward a few seconds. In the months that followed we managed a few days, then a few weeks. Then a full year.

Flashing, we called it. The objects had been flashed forward.

In the years since, we have flashed mice, rabbits, and only last week, a chimpanzee named Six-Gun (for the way she pretends to shoot her trainer whenever she sees him). You can see where this is going. The time has come (everyone recognizes it) to run the experiment on human subjects.

I immediately volunteered, of course.

And the institute immediately denied my request. I was a key member of their team, perhaps the key member (in their eyes), but the truth of the matter is my protégés outstripped me years ago. I threatened to resign so that I would be a civilian once more. They gave my threat no credence whatsoever, thinking that not in a million years would I do such a thing.

But the more I thought about it, the more it felt right. I offered my resignation the moment that bit of clarity arrived.

I’m an old man, you see. I’m seventy-eight now, and though I’m proud that my faculties have lasted as long as they have, I can no longer deny that they are waning. And, I’ll admit, I’m tired. It’s time for me to step aside and let the beautiful minds of our younger generations carry this immense load forward. Believe me when I say that we are in good hands. Do not think, however, that my drive to know more has diminished. It hasn’t. It is as bright as ever, perhaps even more so than in my younger years.

Now free of an official post, I pressed this upon the institute’s board (believe me, I can be persuasive when I wish to be) and they finally relented. In acknowledgment of my contributions to the field, the seats in the trials will be expanded from four to five. I may now, at last, travel forward in time, my life’s dream, but as a now-private citizen the board (in true bureaucratic fashion) demanded that I independently fund, if not the energy, time, and manpower required to run the experiment, then at least their equivalent in currency. I can admit now that I was shocked, but truly, it is not an unreasonable request—traveling through time is not an inexpensive affair, believe you me.

But, as I’ve said, I’ve been a scientist my whole life. I am not a rich man.

And so I turn to you, my dear friends. The crowd, as they say. I am in a unique position to offer some very enticing rewards. I have also been allowed some leeway in regard to what I may bring with me, which I’ve used to devise additional enticements that will, I hope, convince you to back me in this terribly selfish obsession of mine.

Please, look them over, but do hurry! There’s so little time left! (You’ll forgive, I hope, the use of a single, fourth-dimensional pun!)

How Will The Money Be Spent?

The base backing level will go to the costs of the time travel, but I recognize that an experiment such as this may, for lack of a better term, grab our collective consciousness. Which brings us to:

Stretch Goals

For each €75,000 beyond the initial goal, I’ll be able to go five years further into the future, which I would very much like to do. There are limits, however. The outer bounds of the experiment (and my desire to travel forward in time) can fit roughly into a five-decade box. Money raised beyond that general outer limit will be donated to Oxfam’s foundational programs to teach physics to children.

• • • •

Pledge €100 or more

13,428 backers

THE LIST! Because of institutional rules, I cannot reveal how far forward in time I’m going, but when I arrive, I’ll read the list of backers (or a name of your choice) and give you my heartfelt thanks afterward. I don’t think I need remind you the sort of fanfare my arrival will be met with. One name only per backer, please.

Pledge €500 or more

5,227 backers

THE STORY! I’ll write up my thoughts on the journey and you’ll be the first to read it. This assumes, of course, that you’re still alive when I arrive, but your heirs will be entitled to the copy should you prematurely depart these shores.

Pledge €1,000 or more

2,189 backers

THE NOTEBOOK! I’ve been writing in journals for years, jotting down ideas to the most difficult of the problems that face us. I will condense these thoughts down to the most interesting, and give a physical copy (remember those?) to each backer at this level. Rest assured, these will be delivered before I flash forward.

Pledge €5,000 or more

60 backers All gone!

THE TRANSPORT! The amount of space I’ll be afforded is quite limited, but I can bring a small amount of mass along on my journey. Backers at this reward level will be afforded one item to flash forward with me. A note, capturing your thoughts. A rose for your dearest one. A picture, as pristine as the day it was delivered to me. Let your thoughts run wild, but please keep in mind that the object can weigh no more than 100 grams (a bit more than 3 ounces, for those who refuse to relinquish the Imperial).

Pledge €10,000 or more

24 backers All gone!

UNIVERSITY INTERVIEW! I debated long and hard about this reward, as it might be viewed as a sort of favoritism, but I believe it to be important. There are thousands of disadvantaged youths that might have “the right stuff” to enter the University of Vienna’s Temporal College. Each of your generous donations to this reward level will ensure that I read as many applications as I can in one hour of time. Those that show promise will be referred to the dean of the university personally by me. Note that the applications will be chosen at random by my assistant, and of course this process will be completed, in its entirety, before I leave.

Pledge €25,000 or more

12 backers All gone!

KURT GÖDEL INSTITUTE TOUR! You will be entitled to a personal tour, led by me, of the Kurt Gödel Institute. The tour will last for four hours and will reveal many details of life at the institute that the regular tours would never touch upon.

Pledge €50,000 or more

4 backers All gone!

THE SCIENTIST! I’ll fly to you anywhere in the world, and sit down with you and your friends (no more than three, please) and talk about time, science, my experiences, or whatever it is you might wish to talk about. You and one friend are also invited to the tour of the institute, described above.

• • • •

Risks and Challenges

The only real risks will be my own health (as I said, I am no longer a young man!) and the institute’s own plans; one never knows if new, unforeseen challenges will present themselves, leading to a postponement, or even a cancellation, of the event. However, my doctor reports that I am as healthy as she’s ever seen a seventy-eight-year-old man, and the institute’s experiments have gone almost flawlessly so far. I expect no issues in either regard.

• • • •

Comments

Time Bandit on Jun 4, 2103
first! LOLZ best thing ever in the history of time!

einSTEIN on Jun 4, 2103

Wish I could afford the Scientist! Had enough for a notebook, though. Good luck!

Lisbet Hathesham on Jun 4, 2103

Wonderful! I hope you achieve everything you’re looking for. I’d love to take a trip through time myself!

Gravity Probe A on Jun 5, 2103

BULLSHITE! The institute has been cooking its results for years, and this crock of shinola is never going to fly. Don’t waste your €€!

18,398 more comments . . .

• • • •

Update #1 • Jun 18, 2103

Thank You!

Our first backers have appeared. May thousands follow in your wake!

Update #2 • Jun 21, 2103

The Word, It Spreadeth!

After initially being reported in The Guardian two days ago, dozens of newspapers around the world have picked up this story. Interest has skyrocketed, leading to 50% funding of our €4M goal in seventy-two hours. Thank you all!

Update #3 • Jun 28, 2103

We’re Set To Travel!

Our initial goals have been met. But let’s not stop now! I’d like to go further in time if I may, and with your gracious help I’m confident that will happen.

Update #4 • Jul 7, 2103

€5M And Counting!

I’m not too proud to admit it. You have made me cry. Like a babe, I cried, into my soup, if you must know. We have reached the limit of how far I’m willing to go and how far the institute is willing to send me. As mentioned above, any further proceeds will go to promote the excellent physics programs sponsored by Oxfam.

Update #5 • Jul 18, 2103

Complete At €7.5M!

And so we come to an end. Amazing, my friends. Our campaign has surpassed my wildest imaginings. You have made an old man so very proud. The child within me thanks you.

More news as I have it!

Update #6 • Aug 4, 2103

The Date Has Been Set!

Mark your calendars! The institute has set the date: October 1st, 2103.

I’m afraid I must go quiet for a time. Given the rewards I’m bound to present to you, I need to get working. My plan is to resurface the day before the launch. Speak to you all then, and thank you once more!

Update #7 • Sep 30, 2103

Tomorrow, We Fly!

The time has come at last. I leave tomorrow. It has been an amazing ride so far, and I will admit that the butterflies are flying.

Update #8 • Oct 1, 2103

I’m Sorry!

This is a pre-scheduled post. By now I will have left, perhaps not quite as all of you had expected. I can only offer my most sincere apologies.

Update #9 • Oct 14, 2103

A Problem In The Launch

Hello.

You don’t know me, but I’m Foster’s sister, Anna. On the day of the launch, I received a message from him, along with the credentials to this account.

The message read, in its entirety:

I hope you can find the time to fill my backers in. You’ll know why soon enough. They really do deserve it.

—Foster

In a way, it wasn’t surprising that he sent the note to me—I am his sister, after all—but in another way it was. We’ve been estranged for years. Decades, really. His life has been his science, as some of you surely know from speaking to him in person.

As he’d predicted—Foster was always right, about so many things—I was called in a few days later. There were some irregularities discovered in the launch, and I was contacted as his next of kin.

The irregularities are being investigated now. I just thought, given the cryptic note Foster left you all on launch day, and his note to me, you deserved an update (no matter how useless it may be).

And before you ask, no, I have no idea what he meant by any of this.

Update #10 • Oct 29, 2103

A Bug

I’ve been cleared to release this, as some of it has already leaked to the press. On the day of Foster’s launch, mere seconds after he flashed, several anomalies were detected. They’ve been investigated carefully, and it appears that a virus was introduced to the temporal launch firmware. How it was introduced, no one knows, but it seems a good bet that Foster did it himself. I don’t know enough to say myself—I’m a geotech engineer, not a computer scientist—but the evidence they showed me is convincing. That’s all I’m allowed to say at the moment.

Update #11 • Nov 8, 2103

Flashed Backward

As you have no doubt already heard, it appears that Foster managed to send himself not forward in time, but backward. They’ve determined that the virus, wherever it might have been launched from, self-replicated to all the necessary systems, and altered the temporal loop formed around Foster. I was worried he’d simply been ripped apart, but they assure me it doesn’t work that way.

The virus removed itself afterward, leaving few traces, and no clues (so far) as to how it did what it did.

It does appear, however, that Foster is the first man to travel back in time. Perhaps he’ll be the last as well.

They haven’t been able to figure out how far back he’s gone, but they’re confident in time they will.

Update #12 • Dec 19, 2103

Lost Items, The List, And The Story

For those who gave Foster items to flash forward, be sure to check the institute’s web page for a form on how to collect it. They’re all waiting to be claimed.

They were found three weeks ago in a storage container, the location of which, along with a key, had been delivered to the institute by regular post. They don’t know who sent it, but in the storage locker was a box filled with all of the items you’d given him, along with the following note:

They traveled through time, roughly as far as you’d hoped, though by now I’m sure you know it was in the opposite direction.

These will be more worn than you might have hoped, but I trust they’ll still provide a thrill. Backward and forward through time, like a yo-yo, and now back in your hands.

—Foster

Also in the box was “The Story,” the first backing reward, written in a notebook I can only describe as weathered. As per Foster’s instructions, you’ll each get a copy before I release it to the world. It’s a fascinating piece about his mindset before, during, and after the flash.

On the date of the release, I’ve agreed (again, as per Foster’s wishes) to read “The List” of backers. This concludes, I believe, his commitments, though not quite as you or I had initially envisioned. I’m sorry for that, but I hope it will suffice.

I can admit here (perhaps more than anywhere else) that I’ve been haunted by Foster’s disappearance. I’ve hardly slept since he left. In a way it’s silly. I wasn’t lying when I said we were estranged. And yet, I don’t know why he did this, and I miss him terribly. I’ve read “The Story” a dozen times, scouring it for clues as to where he went, and why, but if there were any clues hidden there, it’ll take a brighter mind than mine to suss them out.

I’d be grateful, if anyone picks up on any, if you’d contact me via this account. Please?

Update #13 • Dec 21, 2103

One More Day

I don’t know how to say this other than to borrow a phrase from my brother.

Let me tell you a story.

Very few people know this, but Foster was married once. To a wonderful woman. Claire. I loved her. I adored her. This was when Foster still came to family functions, before he’d lost himself in his work.

Foster and Claire had a baby. A little girl. Her name was Julie, and she was the most precious baby I’ve ever seen.

When Julie was four, she was enrolled in preschool. She went there four days a week. One day, she was taken from the playground. Kidnapped. She was gone for an entire day. No one ever found out where she went, or who took her, but she returned home, apparently on her own, near midnight. Julie appeared carefree at first, but soon realized how worried her parents had been. She grew so upset, she couldn’t articulate where she’d been, or who had taken her. She only said her great-grandfather had come to take her on a trip, and that mommy and daddy had said it was okay.

The person who’d taken her was never found.

A week later, Claire and Julie died in a car crash. A completely random thing. The accelerator had apparently become lodged in the down position by the floor mat. They’d driven out of control into a pond and drowned.

It was a terrible tragedy. Foster was heartbroken—I could see it—but he was so stoic about it. So silent. Too much so, it seemed to me. We all tried to get him to release the anger we knew was inside, but he never did. He merely buried himself in his work, to the exclusion of everything else, including me, his only sibling, our mom and dad, his friends. Everyone and everything except work.

That was fifty years ago. Lives ago. For me, Julie is a distant memory, but Foster has always had a bright mind. He could recall things from our childhood that I had no recollection of, and he would recite them in such detail I knew they were as fresh to him as my memories are of yesterday.

He loved Claire, but Julie, that precious girl, was his world.

I now know what happened that day, when the old man came and took Julie and spent the day with her, returning her completely unharmed to her own home. It was Foster. He flashed backward to fill that role, to visit his daughter for one more day.

My mind is reeling from the amount of work he’s put in to make that happen. He not only needed the aptitude to unlock the secrets of time, but a relentlessness and single-mindedness as well. How he did it, I’ll never know. Most of us would have given up.

I miss him. I miss him so badly for all the time we lost with one another.

I’m also sad for the way he went about it. He tricked you. He tricked the world.

But I won’t deny that I’m happy for him.

Foster’s dead now. There’s no way he’s lived long enough to return to our timestream. But he had his day with his daughter. His lost little girl. And for that, I’m so very glad.

I hope your day with her was a beautiful one, Foster.

HELP ME FOLLOW MY SISTER INTO THE LAND OF THE DEAD

Carmen Maria Machado

Carmen Maria Machado’s work has appeared or is forthcoming in The New Yorker, The Paris Review, AGNI, NPR, Los Angeles Review of Books, VICE, and many other publications. She is a graduate of the Iowa Writers’ Workshop and the Clarion Science Fiction & Fantasy Writers’ Workshop, and was a fellow at the Millay Colony in 2014. She lives in Philadelphia with her partner.

Help Me Follow My Sister into the Land of the Dead

by Ursula Ruiz

19

Backers

$1,395

Pledged of $5,229

28
days to go

Back This Project

$1 minimum pledge

The project will only be funded if at least $5,229 is pledged by July 24, 2015 3:41am EDT.

Aid & abet a heartwarming sibling reunion—albeit under grievous circumstances—in a terrifying place where no mortal has any business treading.

Home

This is the thing about my sister and I: we’ve never gotten along, even when we’ve gotten along. This is what happens when you have parents who fetishize family, and the viscosity of their blood relative to water: you resent the force with which they push you together with this person who is, genetics aside, a stranger. And that’s what my sister is: a stranger.

Not to mention a strange girl. Even when we were children, she had a weird fixation on contradicting everything I said, just because. She would pick a phrase to scream at the top of her lungs and do so over and over, like a computer glitch, until I ran out of the room. Whatever. It’s not important now. But she’s always been trouble. Our moments of connection have always been purely artificial, forged by necessity, by parental birthdays and holiday travel plans.

When I tell you that my sister has absconded to the land of the dead, do not mistake me. She hasn’t died. She just did what she always does—i.e., go to a place where she isn’t welcome and crash the party just because she feels like it. She heard that there was some “cool stuff” happening on the other side of the veil, and went. I only know where she is because I managed to sober up her blitzed-out roommate vis-à-vis a cold bucket of water to the face just long enough to get access to their wi-fi. I found her search history, her bus ticket to Bethlehem (the nearest portal), her emails to her friends about how it’s going to be “so amazing,” etc.

(In the interest of full disclosure, I also searched her email for my name, but aside from an occasional ping regarding the aforementioned birthdays and travel, there was nothing.)

I am sorry and embarrassed that I have to even ask you for money for this endeavor. The truth is while I’m doing pretty well, all things considered, I don’t have the liquidity necessary for this journey. Olive will be embarrassed that I put all of this online, but maybe a dose of shame will do her some goddamned good.

If you sense a tone of resentment to this entire project, that’s because I have to go chasing after my wretchedly ungrateful wastrel of sibling into another dimension to tell her that our parents are dead.

Stretch Goals

Anything over $5,229 is welcome and will be donated to a TBD mental health charity.

How Will I Spend The Money?

Here’s how the costs will break down:

$36.95: Bus ticket to Bethlehem.

$176.05: Cost of ingredients (salt, sage, cypress branch, matches, mandrake, yew, chalk) to summon the necessary portal.

$16: The cheapest bottle of whiskey that I can force myself to drink.

$5,000: A one-time fee, for crossing.

Risks and Challenges

The land of the dead is the land of the dead. Sometimes people don’t come back.

• • • •

FAQ

Do you remember when Olive was born?

I remember the time my mother had Braxton-Hicks contractions—the fake kind—and I went to the hospital with her and my father, and the doctor informed her that she wasn’t really in labor. As we left the hospital, I went into hysterics, because I’d been promised a baby sister and one had not been delivered to me. We walked past a woman who was holding her own baby, and I lunged toward her howling “THAT one! I want THAT one!” My parents had to carry me out as I screamed. But of Olive’s actual birth, I remember nothing.

How did your parents die?

You know how there was that SUV recall recently, because the brakes in some of their cars were failing for no reason, causing a series of high-profile, deadly accidents? I wish that was how they died. No, my father shot my mother through her left eye, and then turned the gun on himself. Nobody knows why.

Who found their bodies?

I came over for dinner. Olive had been invited, too, but she backed out at the last minute. She said she had “stuff to do.” Which honestly is better than her arriving two hours late with a weird dude in tow. Anyway, thank God she wasn’t there.

When was the last time you spoke to Olive?

I don’t remember.

When was the first time you spoke to Olive?

I don’t remember.

What is your biggest regret?

In order from greatest to least: being born, having a little sister, not being adopted, caring at all.

What is your biggest fear?

Genetics.

• • • •

Pledge $5 or more

9 backers

A thank you email from Olive, which I will make her deliver.

Pledge $20 or more

52 backers

A small gift from the land of the dead—a pebble or a twig or a finger something—which I will deliver in a small, sealed jar. KEEP IT IN THE JAR.

Pledge $50 or more

1 backer

I will send you salt from my personal tears, in crystal form (hand-evaporated). Grinder optional.

Pledge $100 or more

1 backer

I will drive my sister to your house, where you can ask her any question. Limited to the contiguous United States.

Pledge $500 or more

0 backers

You will receive an exclusive copy of my and Olive’s life story, written with my own hands, and complete with happy, narratively satisfying ending, detailing the success of our journey.

• • • •

Update #1 • Jun 26, 2014

Starting Out

I know I haven’t hit my funding goal yet, but I’m just going to put it on a credit card and pray. I’m on a bus to Bethlehem, which has a pretty decent wi-fi connection but, weirdly, no toilets. At least three drug deals have happened in the seat next to me, and in between deals the guy is singing this one part of a song out loud that I recognize from somewhere. I think it might be Paula Cole?

Update #2 • Jun 26, 2014

Still Here

Oh, yeah, it’s definitely Paula Cole. It’s that weird chant-y part of “Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?” Just that part. Over and over. This is why I don’t do drugs.

I’m assuming Olive has no idea I’m coming because there’s no reception in the land of the dead, but I have been texting her every hour on the hour anyway, just to cover my bases. I haven’t told her why I’m coming, because I can’t tell her that our parents are dead via text message. I mean, I could, but despite what she thinks about me I’m not a monster. I just keep writing “Need to talk to you, v. important.” But Olive has no sense of what’s important and what isn’t. Even if she got the messages, she’s probably all “Oh man, Ursula’s just having one of those days,” which is something I overheard her telling our mother once, just because I was upset that she didn’t want to be my maid of honor. Not that it mattered in the end, with the wedding being called off, but it was upsetting nonetheless.

I’m so fucking tired.

Update #3 • Jun 27, 2014

Past Midnight

I wake up and the bus is parked at the depot. I’ve probably been here for hours. I was dreaming about Olive. While I was sleeping my face was pressed against the window, and my mouth was open.

I walk two miles to the elementary school playground. I get a blister and do the last half-mile limping and barefoot. Then I have to pee, and since I don’t know what the restroom situation was in the land of the dead, I squat in some bushes and pee. As I do so, I wonder if my sister is also peeing in a semi-public place. (If the land of the dead can be considered public at all, I guess.)

There is another woman standing here, burning her sage and drawing sigils on the pavement. She doesn’t look like she’s chasing a wayward family member; she looks like she’s ready to party. She has a lot of eyeliner on. I feel angry at her, like she’s Olive. She says something and the portal slides open, like the door of a minivan but wreathed in smoke. I look away—it feels rude to stare.

Then she is gone, and it’s dark once again. I draw the sigil and arrange the ingredients according to my notes. I say the spell, the unfamiliar syllables catching behind my teeth.

When my portal opens, a faceless creature is standing there. It’s tall and roughly shaped, like a duststorm or a swarm of gnats. Dimples where its eyes should be, though I feel like it’s watching me anyway. It takes my credit card, holds it for a moment, and then hands it back.

Olive, backers—please keep in mind that I’m still paying off my student loans.

Oh, I also got a comment on this page from Olive. Three comments. I guess she does have reception. Olive, I’m coming anyway, kid. You can’t stop me. I may not be the best older sister in the world, but I can do this.

Update #4 • Jun 27, 2014

This is The Land of the Dead

This is what they don’t tell you about the land of the dead: it looks and smells like some approximation of your entire life, but in muted colors and shifting scents—sunscreen, then smoke, then raspberry shaving cream. When I step through the portal I see layers of images shimmering in front of me: the street where I grew up, my current bedroom, my ex-fiancé’s house, my college dorm, all in grays and creams and beiges. They undulate back and forth, as if the land of the dead is trying to decide which is the most comforting, and settles on our childhood street. It smells like cedar and blood.

Partying here seems like an impossibility. This is the sort of place where I’d cry or scream or eat water ice or have an existential crisis or drown myself in a memory. I would cut my hair here, all of it, in ragged chunks directly off my skull. But this does not look like a place with cocktails. There is no club music, only the sound of birds.

Update #5 • Jun 27, 2014

Olive Located

It takes me a while to find Olive. The road stretches and meanders and doesn’t take me exactly where I want to go, like in a dream. I twist through fragments of memory. I see the Girl Scout campground where I bit off a chunk of my tongue tripping into the cold firepit. I see an empty kitchen, a pot of soup boiling over on the stove. I see the dorm where I lost my virginity, the white cinderblock bare of decorations, the whole room ringing hollowly, like a bell.

Then I come upon a two-story house. My childhood home. Well, ours. She is in the living room; I can see her red hair through the window. I open the front door. She is on the couch, the green couch where we both stayed when we had the chicken pox, where we had scratched each other’s raw, blistered backs in our sleep.

When she looks up, and sees me, she begins screaming.

I haven’t held my sister in so long, not since we were children. She is like something starving, an animal with too many bones, and she pushes against me. She has been crying for so long, her voice falls away. She punches me with her fists, but it is like a bee bumping up against a windowpane.

Update #6 • Jun 27, 2014

Heading Home

She tells me she is going to stay. I say to her, “You cannot stay.” She says, “We can bring Mom and Dad back with us, it’ll be different,” and I say no, it didn’t work that way. I only have enough spell ingredients for two people, and besides, only visitors can leave, not the committed. The land of the dead is the worst kind of hospital. “How did you get here?” she asks. “Magic,” I say, and it sounds like I’m being sarcastic, even if I’m not. She says “I hate you,” and I say “Sure.”

I pick her up from the couch and carry her across the threshold of the house. I drop her to her feet and then pull her through the streets. I remind her that we are all each other has. She pulls against my grip around her wrist, a balloon angling for freedom. “Let me go,” she shouts, “please.” “No,” I say. We flit back past my memories, though the images waver like someone has just walked in front of the projector. We come back to the portal, beyond which is the playground, glowing faintly in the watery dawn.

But when I reach out to touch it, someone materializes in front of us. A woman with sad eyes and a floppy sunhat, like she is a hipster, or going to the beach in 1948. She points to me.

“You can go,” she says. Then she looks at Olive. “You,” she says, “need to stay. You know that.”

• • • •

Comments

Olive R about 2 days ago

Don’t come for me.

Susan Jameson about 2 days ago

Ursula, I am so sorry!!!! Let me know if I can do anything else. Your parents were great people I cannot believe this has happened. You’re a great sister, Olive is so lucky.

David Mantis about 2 days ago

Donat’d! Good luck, Ursula.

Olive R about 1 day ago

Don’t come.

Lucille L about 6 hours ago

Ursula, have the cops managed to get a hold of you? They found something new. Ursula, please call me ASAP.

Olive R about 6 hours ago

Don’t.

Lucille L about 4 hours ago

Ursula, check your DMs. I need to talk to you, it’s very important.

Olive R about 1 hour ago

Do you remember when we were little girls, and you took me to that abandoned convenience store parking lot where Dad taught us to ride our bikes? The thunderstorm? You were so scared, even more scared than me, I think, and you said “We have to go inside” and broke the glass door with a rock? And we were inside, and the shelves were empty and dirty, and we just sat and watched the lightning bleach the sky and the rain go horizontal. I think that was the last time we really connected. You squeezed me so hard it left black and blue marks, but I felt so safe. What were we so afraid of, after that? We just stopped talking. I don’t know why. You’re a tight ass and neurotic as hell but I love you anyway.

I came over to Mom and Dad’s early, to catch you. I was going to ask you if you wanted to go partying with me in the land of the dead. Just so we could hang out. I know you’re not much of a partier, but I don’t know. Sometimes people unexpectedly love dancing. You seem like the kind of person who would unexpectedly love dancing. Or karaoke.

They’re going to ask you what happened. Just tell them I came over too early. For once in my life, I was even better than on-time.

• • • •

Messages

Lucille L
Jun 27, 2015

Jesus, Ursula, stop traveling, shut down this page, come home. Fuck. Ursula, just look. www.cnn.com/2015/6/26/us/daughters-body-found-near-murder-suicide.

Lucille L
Jun 27, 2015

I’m so sorry. She was in the woods behind the house. They weren’t looking for her, at first, that’s why they didn’t find her.

Lucille L
Jun 27, 2015

Ursula, are you there?

Lucille L
Jun 28, 2015

Ursula?

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR

Michael J. Sullivan

Since finding a manual typewriter in a friend’s house when he was eight, Michael J. Sullivan has been fascinated with what doors the typewriter keys would unlock. He has written twenty-five novels, published nine, and has been translated into fifteen foreign languages. He was named to io9’s list of Most Successful Self-Published Sci-Fi and Fantasy Authors and has spent more than a year (and counting) on Amazon’s Bestselling Fantasy Authors list. He’s sold more than a half million copies and has been named to more than 95 “Best Of” or “Most Anticipated” lists including those of Library Journal, Barnes & Noble, Goodreads.com, and Audible.com. Michael is one of the few authors who has successfully published through all three routes: small press, self, and big five, and he helps aspiring authors through his posts on publishing for Amazing Stories. Learn more by following him on Twitter @author_sullivan and visiting his website riyria.com.

Monkeys’ Paws: Making Your Wishes Come True

by Chand Svare Ghei

Funded! This project was successfully funded on Feb 19.

105

Backers

$9,290

Pledged of $3,000

0
seconds to go

I can make your wishes come true. Check out my magic talismans with a wide range of prices/number of wishes available.

Project Goals

Welcome to my Kickstarter! I’m Chand Svare Ghei. I write books and create movies, but I’m also a civil servant, part-time clinical technician, a literary historian, a man deeply in love, and a wizard.

I suppose “wizard” isn’t exactly the right word . . . but magician sounds like I do card tricks, and I have no affiliation with Wicca, so warlock would be inappropriate.

Regardless of what label you want to use, the simple fact is: I can do magic. Well . . . one particular type of magic—which brings me to my Kickstarter.

I’ve developed a process that allows me to imbue the disembodied prehensile extremity of a primate’s superior limb with the ability to grant wishes. In other words, I make magical monkey paws. For my Kickstarter, I will offer a range of paws which will grant varying numbers of wishes.

Note: Because a US Fish and Wildlife Service Federal Export Permit would be required to ship preserved animal remains overseas, backers of this Kickstarter will be limited to those in the US only. Sorry!

• • • •

FAQ

What exactly is a magical monkey paw?

For those unfamiliar, and to explain how I came into such knowledge, let me introduce you to fellow author W.W. Jacobs. In 1902 Jacobs wrote a “fictional” short story in which Mr. and Mrs. White receive the paw of a dead monkey from a friend of theirs. This friend was in the British Army stationed in India, who supposedly received the paw from an old fakir. Mr. Jacobs’s tale goes on to show how the wishes produced disastrous results, leading to both the (spoiler alert) death of the Whites’ son and the (really big spoiler alert) reincarnation of his mangled and broken body.

Through my research, I learned Mr. Jacobs wrapped truth within fiction by distorting some of the facts. You see, Mr. Jacobs’s father was a wharf manager in Lower East Smithfield around 1860, and he employed a fair number of Romani workers. Romani at this time—well at any time really—had problems finding acceptance from outsiders, so they were grateful for the employment, and brought the Jacobs family into their inner circle. Young William became best friends with a boy named Durriken and the two often played with Durriken’s pet monkey, Bobo. Upon Bobo’s death (trampled in the street by a spooked horse), Durriken revealed to William a secret. The young Romani boy knew how to infuse a talisman such as the paws of a beloved pet monkey with the power to grant wishes. This was no idle boast, no tall tale invented to ease the loss of a passed pet. As it turns out, Durriken really could do it.

My exhaustive research tells me nothing about what Durriken did with his wishes, but I believe William used his in 1898 to obtain an offer to write six short stories for the princely sum of £500 and yet surprisingly he turned the offer down. I think he did this because he was scared. He likely made the wish merely as a test to see if Durriken had been telling the truth. When it came true, he was stunned and suspicious of possible negative repercussions. William continued his civil service job at the Post Office Savings Bank, and it wasn’t until 1899 that his writing income produced a living wage, which allowed him to leave that position. So, in 1902 William fictionalized his Romani boyhood friend into a fakir and illustrated his suspicion of the paw’s magic through his cautionary tale—a tale without an end.

While going through William Jacobs’s personal papers—the man wrote down everything—I found the incantation used by Durriken, and through scientific experimentation I learned each time the ritual is performed a new wish is stored. I’m not sure how many wishes William and Durriken added to their paws, but I discovered the limit is determined by the size of the paw. Ten appears to be the top-end for a monkey, but I suspect the paw of a larger primate, say a gorilla, could hold as many as twenty wishes.

Where do the paws come from?

First let me assure you that no monkeys have been—or will be—killed for their paws. It’s not like I’m a poacher of ivory, killing elephants for the black market. All the paws have been obtained from monkeys who already laid down their lives in the advancement of science. I have a part-time job as a clinical technician for the Heredity Disease Foundation. The lab, which I won’t name, is searching a cure for Huntington’s disease and they use Rhesus, cynomolgus, squirrel, and owl monkeys. One of my jobs is to cremate the remains, and over the past two years, I’ve collected and preserved 120 paws which I plan to use for the fulfillment of Kickstarter rewards.

What will the money be used for?

As I mentioned in my introduction, I’m a man in love, and I will use the proceeds from this Kickstarter to marry Cecilie Schmidt, the love of my life. Cecilie has always dreamed of a “big wedding,” but despite my two jobs, we really can’t afford more than a civil ceremony at the courthouse. Giving her a day to remember is my goal, so I thank you in advance for your contributions.

How can you be sure the incantation really works?

As I mentioned, I carefully tested the incantation while determining the number of charges that could be stored. I personally used the paws to make relatively small wishes, and each one was granted. To verify the charm works for others, I provided paws to two friends of mine (one wish each), and they also used the paws successfully. One found his birth-mother, who as it turns out had spent years desperately searching for him, and they couldn’t be happier. My other friend got his sister accepted into her dream college. Neither I nor my friends have had any adverse experiences from using the paws.

Why don’t you just wish for money to pay for the wedding?

Despite my assurances of the paw’s safety, Cecilie has her trepidations. She read the Jacobs story in high school and is far too easily influenced by literature. While I’m convinced the negative outcomes told by Jacobs exist only for dramatic effect, she fears using a paw will bring disaster. When accepting my proposal of marriage, she insisted on several stipulations regarding the paw including that I never use one to wish for anything to do with her or us. She went so far as to have me put it in writing—I suspect to emphasize the point, as I’m certain no court would uphold such a contract. She also made me promise that in the event of her untimely death, or death of any kind, I do not wish her back.

So you see, I’m contractually prohibited from using a paw myself. While my fiancé is superstitious, and as I said far too easily swayed by what she reads, I can assure you the monkey paws I am offering are as safe as any severed animal limb on the market today.

• • • •

Pledge $5 or more

5 backers

CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR WEDDING LEVEL. For those who want to contribute to the wedding fund, but don’t want any paws. You’ll have mine and Cecilie’s heartfelt thanks. I’ll mail you a wedding picture and include your name on a webpage I’m building about our wedding.

Pledge $50 or more

50 backers  LIMITED (20 left of 70)

A paw with one wish plus everything at the $5 level.

Pledge $95 or more

30 backers  LIMITED (0 left of 30)

A paw with two wishes plus everything at the $5 level.

Pledge $140 or more

18 backers  LIMITED (0 left of 18)

A paw with three wishes plus everything at the $5 level.

Pledge $400 or more

2 backers  LIMITED (0 left of 2)

A paw with ten wishes plus everything at the $5 level.

• • • •

Risks and Challenges

I’ve already collected all 120 paws, and as I said, the incantation has been thoroughly tested. I’m confident the wishes will be granted without negative repercussions, but I do caution against wishes violating natural laws such as asking for someone to fall in love, asking for immortality, or to bring back someone who is dead. Also, I’m pretty sure the old “wishing for more wishes” gambit won’t work and I make no guarantees or warranty with regards to the wishes you make. Please wish responsibly.

• • • •

Update #1 • Jan 21, 2014

Off to an amazing start!

Wow, thanks so much to everyone who contributed. We funded 105% on just the first day. I really didn’t expect that, but I’m so happy. I know Cecilie will be too. Please tell others about the Kickstarter, the more I raise, the better the wedding will be.

Update #2 • Feb 18, 2014

One day left

This has been an amazing ride. More than 70 paws have been sold and I still have 50 more. Hoping to sell out them all. Again, thanks for your amazing support.

Update #3 • Feb 20, 2014

Thanks for making Cecilie's dreams come true!

So, this turned out even better than I thought when I first came up with the idea. Thank you so much for your generous contributions. We sold 100 paws and had 30 of the $5 congratulations on your wedding pledges. We’ve raised $9,290. That’s more than 300% of the goal!! Cecilie is so happy, and we’ll mail paws in the next few days.

Update #4 • Feb 23, 2014

Thanks once again!

Just wanted to let everyone know the paws have been mailed and you should be receiving them shortly. Again, thank you all for your support and I just want to remind people to use your wishes responsibly. While I’ve done extensive testing, my experiments were with relatively benign wishes . . . let’s not get crazy people. And thank you once more for all of your amazing support.

• • • •

Comments

Betty Wilson on Jan 21, 2014

Well I don’t know if this is a joke, a total scam, or for real, but for $50 I figure what the hell. It’s worth a try.

Creator Chand Svare Ghei on Jan 22, 2014

Betty, I totally understand your skepticism. All I can do is accurately lay out some of what I learned, and the tests I performed. Maybe it was all a matter of coincidences but I’ve satisfied my own questions about the paws. Each person, of course, has to decide for themselves. Thanks for your support despite your trepidation.

Jennifer Jones on Mar 15, 2014

I just wanted to thank Chand for his amazing Kickstarter. If you do another one in the future, I would definitely contribute again. I used my paw to cure my mom’s cancer, and today she got the news she is in total remission. I wish I would have bought more charges, and I couldn’t be happier with the results. Thank you again Chand and I wish you and Cecilie many happy years together.

Creator Chand Svare Ghei on Mar 16, 2014

Jennifer, that’s wonderful! Thank you for sharing. This is the kind of thing that I hoped would happen. Raising money for the wedding is great, but hearing it is doing good for others is even better. I’m so glad Cecilie’s fears were unfounded.

Michael Sampson on Mar 17, 2014

I just wanted to mirror what Jennifer said, my paw worked like a charm! (Ha ha! Pun intended). I asked to win the lottery, but I was a bit leery, so I specified a dollar amount which would be less than two times what I paid for my paw. I figured that wouldn’t be too much to ask for. More than anything I was just curious to see if you really had the “mojo” or whether I was a fool for donating. I won $250 and have two wishes left! You made a believer out of me.

Creator Chand Svare Ghei on Mar 18, 2014

Michael, that is great. I hope the other wishes go just as well for you.

Michael Sampson on Mar 20, 2014

I used my second wish, but with possible mixed results. I got what I wanted . . . a big promotion at work after my immediate supervisor died. Now, I’m not saying my wish caused Mr. Franklin’s demise—and to be honest he was a sorry son-of-a-bitch who got what he deserved—but I wanted to report my findings anyway.

Betty Wilson on Mar 20, 2014

DON’T USE YOUR PAWS! I’m writing today to implore everyone to destroy them. I won’t go in to details about what I wished for, but it has completely ruined my life. Curse you to hell Chand Svare Ghei!

Cecilie Schmidt on Mar 21, 2014

I hope everyone will see this, I don’t have access to Chand’s Kickstarter account, so I can’t post an update. I have terrible news. My incredible fiancé, Chand, has been hit by a bus and is fighting for his life. I knew something like this would happen. Why did I let Chand talk me into this? I don’t know how, but I’m going to find a way to raise the money and repay each of you for our contributions. I implore any who haven’t used their paws to do as Betty says and destroy them. Also to Betty, I’m sorry for whatever misfortune has fallen upon you, and hope Chand wasn’t somehow responsible. I also hope no one wished for Chand’s misfortune. He doesn’t deserve this.

Cecilie Schmidt on Mar 23, 2014

I have some good news. Chand is recovering from his injuries and is out of the woods. He’s not yet conscious, or more precisely he woke up only briefly. He’s pretty heavily sedated because of intense pain. The doctor says that given time and physical therapy he’ll be fine. Again, both Chand and I apologize for any misfortune brought about by the Kickstarter.

James Patton on Mar 23, 2014

Cecilie, I’m not sure if it was my wish or not but I purchased a two charge paw and used one to ask for Chand’s recovery. I have a theory about the wishes. I think wishes made for selfless reasons (such as on someone else’s behalf) are granted without repercussion. I’ve used my second wish to ask for you and Chand to come into $9,290 so you can make good on your commitment to repay the backers. For those reading this who had a negative result, you have no right to blame Chand. It is your own greed that has brought your misfortune. It is your fault not his, and you are reaping what you sow.

Cecilie Schmidt on Mar 23, 2014

James, thank you so much for saving Chand’s life, as I’m sure it was your wish that was responsible. I think you may be right about your theory. Hopefully others will heed your words of wisdom.

Cecilie Schmidt on Apr 2, 2014

Have any of you seen the movie, It Could Happen to You? In it, a cop and a waitress win the lottery, then lose the money in a court battle. Later, people anonymously mail them small donations, adding up to more than $600,000. Something similar has happened with Chand and myself as we have received just under $9,000 in anonymous contributions. Thank you again James, for all your help. The refunds are going out today. I’m sorry for all those who found misfortune in their wishes, and I hope some good came out of this mess. We obviously won’t be holding any Kickstarters in the future.

Julie Allen on Jun 8, 2014

Damn, sorry I’m so late to the party. I didn’t see this Kickstarter until just now. Is it too late to get in on this? Is there any way I could still get one of these paws? My little brother is REALLY irritating me.

A PRACTICAL MECHANISM FOR OVERCOMING THE DIRECTIONALITY OF TEMPORAL FLOW

David D. Levine

David D. Levine is the author of more than fifty published science fiction and fantasy stories. His work has appeared in John Joseph Adams’s anthologies The Mad Scientist’s Guide to World Domination and Armored as well as F&SF, Asimov’s, Analog, and many others, and he's won or been nominated for awards including the Hugo, Nebula, Sturgeon, and Campbell. He lives in Portland, Oregon with his wife Kate Yule, with whom he co-edits the fanzine Bento. See his website at daviddlevine.com for more information and free fiction.

A Practical Mechanism for Overcoming the Directionality of Temporal Flow

by Louise Templeton

Funded! This project was successfully funded on Nov 9.

161
backers

$6,090
pledged of $5,000

0
seconds to go

Time travel is one of humanity’s greatest dreams. Help me to develop my theoretical concept into a practical device!

Project Goals

The forward flow of time is simultaneously one of the most basic and one of the least understood forces in physics. Everyone understands that time marches on, at an inexorable rate of one second per second, but the fact is that the equations work just as well if it goes in the other direction from the one we're used to. Why? Nobody knows. But in my graduate work at Simon Keele I stumbled onto an interesting interaction between a couple of subatomic forces that could reverse this flow, or even disconnect an object from it completely. My initial experimentations with the available hardware were promising, but with the additional $17,000 we’re looking to raise, we could purchase the necessary equipment that would allow me to develop it into a practical mechanism.

Consider the implications. If this demonstration technology—which as the video above shows is already capable of moving small objects backward in time by up to eight seconds—could be scaled up, it could prevent automobile accidents, avoid personal tragedies, and keep bad decisions from having been made in the first place! I know that $50,000 is a lot to ask, but if we can achieve this initial goal it would just be the first step in an entirely new technology that could improve everyone's life.

We have already achieved so much. This promising new technology has already been hailed as the scientific discovery of the century, but with your help it could be so much more. Kickstarter has over five million members. If even 1% of you supported us with just $10 each, that would meet our $500,000 goal and more, permitting us to improve the mass, volume, and temporal range limits of the device and make possible truly significant changes in the state of the world.

I understand that many of you are skeptical about why a large, successful institution like the Templeton Institute for Temporal Research at Simon Keele University would need Kickstarter to fund its activities. But we feel that, just as everyone travels forward in time every day, time travel should belong to everyone. And with the $8 million we're requesting here, we hope to decrease the transition cost per kilogram-minute to the point that every nation, no matter how impoverished, can afford a temporal exploration program of its own. Perhaps someday even ordinary citizens will be able to rent time on a time-traveling micro-drone.

• • • •

Pledge $10 or more

2,567 backers

Your name will be engraved on a cube of titanium steel and sent back to the Pleistocene as a permanent record of your support.

Pledge $25 or more

1,473 backers

Digital gallery of videos taken live at historic events including Hammurabi's declaration of the Code of Law, Caesar's crossing of the Rubicon, Columbus's landing in the Western Hemisphere, and more!

Pledge $50 or more

323 backers

Custom digital video of any one historical event of your choice. Note: Sorry, Biblical events are not available.

Pledge $100 or more

201 backers

Live trilobite. Care and feeding are the responsibility of the backer.

Pledge $500 or more

86 backers

Under careful supervision, you will join Institute staffers on a three-day expedition to a significant historical period. Destination will be selected by the Institute; backers will be subject to background checks. Transportation to Ontario, food, and lodging not included.

Pledge $750 or more

19 backers

TSDD experiment kit. Includes vanadium-iridium wave guide, plated through-hole PCB board, parts, instructions, and solder to build your own Temporo-Spatial Displacement Device, capable of shifting objects up to 4 lb (1.8 kg) through time by as much as 30 days.

Pledge $1,000 or more

57,313 backers

Fully assembled Personal TSDD. Includes harness, helmet, recharging unit, guide to significant historic events, and iPhone control app (sorry, Android is not yet supported). Use by travelers over 225 lb (100 kg) is not supported. Note: Any temporal disturbances or perturbations of history resulting from backer's use of the device are the responsibility of the backer.

Pledge $2,000 or more

2,912 backers

Join Institute staffers on a dinosaur hunt in the urban area of your choice. Choose from the following: Times Square, Piccadilly Circus, Shibuya.

Pledge $3,000 or more

1,783 backers

Join Institute staffers on an expedition attempting to restore a significant historical event to its pre-Disturbance state. Safety not guaranteed.

Pledge $5,000 or more

4,789 backers

Fully assembled Anti-TSDD. Protects up to 18,000 cubic feet (500 cubic meters) from most temporal disturbances originating at least ten years in the past. Note: The power requirements of this device exceed the capacity of most home generators. Do not choose this reward unless your area still has a functioning public electricity supply.

Pledge $50,000 or more

47 backers Limited (3 left of 50)

You and up to three members of your immediate family will join Institute staffers in our Temporal Shelter. Transportation to Ontario not included. We reserve the right to limit consumption of food, water, and oxygen.

Pledge $100,000 or more

0 backers Limited (1 left of 1)

This reward level requires an application video. The successful applicant will be sent back in time to dissuade Louise Templeton from continuing with her experiments. Preference will be given to applicants who display extreme persuasive skill.

• • • •

FAQ

Why is only one backer allowed at the $200,000 level?

The time streams in the vicinity of Louise Templeton at the beginning of her researches have become extremely crowded and entangled. At this point the energy requirements of an intervention are so high that most likely only one more attempt can be made before complete temporal collapse occurs.

Why is the price so high?

It is a form of qualification test. To improve chances of success, we require an individual with extremely strong persuasive skills. A person with the skills we seek will find a way to come up with $500,000.

How do you define "persuasive skills"?

At this point, if you can come up with the million bucks and a plausible plan to stop Louise Templeton, we don't much care how you do it. The successful applicant must supply their own weapons and ammunition.

• • • •

Risks and Challenges

Chances of success are low. Although a successful applicant has been selected, there are still many unknown factors, from the unstable state of the time stream to the limitations of our remaining equipment. However, this project is so important that we feel we must make the attempt.

Effects of success are unknown. Although we are highly confident in Ijaba Sekibo's ability to prevent time travel from ever being discovered, the resulting stable state of the time stream cannot be predicted, and after a successful intervention there will never be any way to change it again. However, whatever the undisturbed flow of history might be, it can’t be any worse than the chaos we have now.

Technical challenges are severe. Although my professors at Simon Keele College are great, and I'm confident in my theory, even with the $5000 it will still be a daunting challenge to produce a working prototype. However, thanks to a piece of advice I got from a woman I ran into in a coffee shop this morning, despite these challenges I believe I have everything I need to produce the world's most accurate atomic clock. (And thank you to Ijaba Sekibo, wherever you are!)

LIFE-SIZED ARENA TETRIS!

David Malki !

David Malki! is the author of the comic strip Wondermark, which in 2009 was nominated for the “Best Humor Publication” Eisner Award. He is also co-editor of the bestselling Machine of Death series of fiction anthologies, and creator of Machine of Death: The Game of Creative Assassination. His short fiction has appeared in Pseudopod and he also holds the distinction of having written the longest article ever published by Poets & Writers magazine.

Life-sized ARENA TETRIS!

by Sunil Patel

Funding Canceled. This project has been canceled by the creator.

2
backers

$6
pledged of $858,510 goal

Bring the world’s best puzzle game to a real-life gym near you!!

IMPORTANT PREFACE

If you don’t like Tetris, this isn’t the campaign for you! Maybe you think it’s just a dumb video game from forever ago. If you ever played, you weren’t very good. You can’t IMAGINE playing for hours—days—trying to summon bigger and bigger rockets—until your dreams were filled with falling blocks. Maybe you don’t even know what I mean about the rockets! If so, LOG OFF. Thanks for visiting. There’s probably other stuff on this site for you.

But . . . maybe you DO love Tetris. You DID spend untold days & weeks playing on the NES, and Game Boy, and even the weird PC version where you had to know the flags of all the Soviet socialist republics in order to bypass the copy protection. When you hear the music now, even in passing from a car stereo or whatever, you’re instantly transported back to your best friend’s grandma’s basement, where the two of you found a whole flat of Diet Cokes and saw no reason why you SHOULDN’T try to drink all 24 cans in a day!

Because you were thirteen! Or fourteen! Maybe both! Maybe it was your BIRTHDAY WEEKEND. If that IS your relationship to Tetris, then please READ ON.

The Project

For over a decade I’ve been working on a way to bring the game of Tetris to real life. I trust no one else has put in this level of research into the viability of real-life Tetris, otherwise there would be TEAMS and LEAGUES and ELABORATE TELEVISED MATCHES all over the place by now! We’d be hearing about real-life Tetris the way we hear about kickball or disc golf today. (Side note: one of our tiers is for the right to rename our version of Tetris something generic like “disc golf” [as opposed to “Frisbee® Wimbleton™” or whatever] so as to sidestep any trademark concerns. What moniker will the future’s hottest sport bear into said future? The $6,000 backer will let us all know!)

I want to create a nationwide tour of Arena Tetris games. Much like professional wrestling, it will be a continuous season of play that travels from city to city over the course of a season. The exact cities chosen will depend on where the backers for this project are located—in our inaugural season, we’ll travel to at least the top 8 cities!

How The Game Is Played

ARENA TETRIS is a team sport, requiring four players and an impartial official—a sort of combination crane operator, overseeing god, and Lakitu from Super Mario.

The playing area, or “well,” is the space between two vertical pieces of scaffolding standing 20 feet tall and precisely 84 inches apart. The top of the well is met by a conveyor belt, where the official, at ground level, continuously chooses, and places on the conveyor, “tetrominoes”—cubical blocks linked in configurations of 4 by the use of ball joints and magnets, which allow the individual blocks to be linked and separated with little or no mechanical resistance. Developing the most effective configuration of the magnets was a considerable challenge, and their specifics are currently protected by patent (or will be, once this campaign fully funds).

The players’ goal is to catch tetrominoes coming off the conveyor, and set them in close-fitting interlocking fashion to create a wall spanning the two uprights. The team members attempting to accomplish this are:

The PLACER—who stands on the wall being built, catching the tetrominoes as they fall and fitting them into position.

The SPINNER—who sits on a platform halfway up the side of the well, and uses long paddles to nudge the falling tetrominoes into ideal position for the placer to catch.

The SPOTTER—who stands where he or she can see both the entire wall taking shape and the tetrominoes coming up on the conveyor belt, and shouts directions to the placer and the spinner. (The spotter also belays a safety rope linked to the placer.)

Finally, the HAMMER—the element that makes this game Tetris and not just competitive masonry. The hammer is a powerful member of the team who stands at one side of the well with a series of hammers of different sizes. Whenever the placer has constructed an entire row of unbroken blocks, the hammer strikes the row (or rows, with one of the larger hammers) from the side, driving the entire row of individual blocks out the other side of the well, where they clatter into a huge net! This is the most important part of the game, and, I imagine, the moment when the crowd will go NUTS.

This Campaign

I am very confident in my plans for Arena Tetris. I’ve made extensive models and simulations over the last 12+ years, and of course, played plenty of digital Tetris to really internalize the form and structure of Alexey Pajitnov’s great game! I feel it’s long past time to give a new generation of players—who may be as athletic as their predecessors were asthmatic (*cough* me *cough*)—their chance to play Tetris for REAL!!

The money I’m asking for will go toward:

- $2,600—Retain a patent/trademark lawyer to make sure that my designs for the tetrominoes, scaffolding, paddles, etc.—all of which I have already fully modeled in 3D—are legally protected. In addition, in case we need to pay any license fees for the Tetris name/concept, we will investigate that at this time.

- $184,000—To prototype and mass-produce the metal blocks (including plenty of extras due to the expectation of wear and tear). Our special hammers are also included in this fee, as we expect to have them cast at the same factory.

- $41,500—Renting gymnasiums and athletic centers across the country for the inaugural league tour. Admission, concessions, merchandise sales, and (presumably) corporate sponsorship should make later seasons a self-sustaining enterprise.

- $12,800—Uniforms and t-shirts for the league.

- $272,300—Rental of scaffolding, conveyor belts, platforms etc. for the first season’s play.

- $9.95—One year’s domain registration for arena-tetris.com.

- $6,300—Custom-made cargo nets.

- $339,000—Insurance.

I will be donating my time to the project gratis. Since I am currently unemployed I have plenty of free time anyway. I have a small trust fund that I’ve been using to live on while I’ve put together this proposal, and it should last me until this first season is well underway.

These costs are all estimates based on quotes obtained over the last 4 months, and if we exceed our goal, we will expand our first tour to even more cities! I also hope to be able to hire a publicity team to make sure the first season of Arena Tetris makes major headlines :)

Risks and Challenges

I can’t see anything that could go wrong. I’ve obsessed over this plan extensively since my best friend Chuck and I came up with this idea in middle school. Everything I have done since then—studying engineering, kinesthetics, public relations, even theoretical physics—has been in the service of getting this plan off the ground. Arena Tetris is going to be the best thing that has ever happened to your local town’s high school gymnasium or civic center. As Chuck always used to say, “Imagine how cool this would be in real life!” It’s time to stop imagining and start playing ARENA TETRIS!!

• • • •

Pledge $3 or more

2 backers

Get exclusive access to the YouTube channel where we’ll be posting livestreams and archived videos of every game, all season long!

Pledge $30 or more

0 backers

One ticket to an Arena Tetris game in a town near you! Locations will be decided by the cities where we have the most backers.

Pledge $75 or more

0 backers

Think you have what it takes to be one of the 32 players in our league? Pledge at this tier to guarantee yourself a tryout slot! If you make one of our teams, we will transport you to games via bus, train, or carpool and provide all uniforms and accommodations.

Pledge $200 or more

0 backers

A full season’s pass to all 8 games throughout the country! Transportation not provided.

Pledge $750 or more

0 backers Limited (50 left of 50)

SPONSOR LEVEL. For every multiple of this amount, we’ll place your corporate logo on one player’s official jersey.

Pledge $6,000 or more

0 backers Limited (1 left of 1)

YOU get to come up with a genericized name for our sport in case we run into legal obstacles with the name Tetris!

• • • •

Comments

Ala Mitchell 4 days ago

This sounds so cool :) Can we try out for the team without paying extra?

Malin Augustine 3 days ago
can we know which cities it’s coming to before pledging

Charles Brennan 1 day ago

Target audience of one, huh?

Creator Sunil Patel 1 day ago

Ala - There are a lot of costs involved in the tryouts (video analysis, etc.) so unfortunately we have to charge a little :/ We are looking into setting up a scholarship program though.

Malin - It depends on the number of backers we get from each city! We’ll post updates throughout the campaign so everyone knows what cities have reported in so far. :)

Charles Brennan about 20 hours ago

You sent me enough emails about this . . . I can’t believe you’re actually asking people for money. Ala, don’t waste your $75. There aren’t going to be any tryouts because there isn’t going to be a sport.

Malin Augustine about 19 hours ago
woah

Ira Santiago about 17 hours ago

I’m a structural and materials engineer working for a major petrochemical firm. I see a lot of problems with this project as currently posited. Looking forward to seeing if some of the technical issues are resolved before pledging.

Astrid Madison about 15 hours ago

Oh man is that Chuck?? Chuck what’s going on here, give us the GOSSIP

Charles Brennan about 15 hours ago

Sunil and I came up with this idea during a sleepover in about 1994. Meanwhile I went on to a meaningful career and a family, but Sunil has apparently been thinking about this and nothing else since then. Sunny, I’m sorry about your parents, but you have to move on, man.

Creator Sunil Patel about 15 hours ago

Ira - can you message me please? I’d like to get your opinion on some of my schematics. They look pretty solid to me but I’m always interested in a trained eye :)

Chuck - I emailed you because I thought you’d be interested that I’m taking our idea to the next level. If you’re not, that’s fine.

Astrid Madison about 14 hours ago

Chuck what happened to his parents??

Charles Brennan about 14 hours ago

I think I’ve said too much. Sunny, nice to hear from you, buddy. Good luck with this thing.

Kristina Brennan about 14 hours ago

Sunil’s parents disappeared on his 14th birthday.

Creator Sunil Patel about 14 hours ago

That’s enough about my parents, please.

Kristina Brennan about 14 hours ago

Isn’t that what you said on your birthday?

Creator Sunil Patel about 14 hours ago

I don’t know what you mean by that, but please leave. I can’t moderate comments here so this is starting to look very bad on the campaign page.

Astrid Madison about 14 hours ago

No, please, don’t leave on our account, this is just getting good

Malin Augustine about 14 hours ago
woah woah woah!! kristina please tell me you know what happened to sunil’s parents. or is it a mystery

Astrid Madison about 14 hours ago

If we try out for the TETRIS team do we get invited into the inner trustworthy sanctum where Sunil reveals what happened to his parents??

Creator Sunil Patel about 13 hours ago

My parents’ car probably went off a cliff on their way back from a weekend at Santa’s Village. The car was never found so I suppose it’s true that they ‘disappeared.’ Chuck, that was real classy of you to bring it up, and Kristina, you weren’t even there, so I don’t know how you became such an expert on what happened. If you’re not interested in my campaign, that’s fine, but please leave the rest of us alone.

Kristina Brennan about 13 hours ago

Fine, Sunil. Then stop emailing Chuck. Stop leaving him voicemails. Stop texting him to ‘hang out’ or ‘come check out the basement’ or talk about TETRIS. I don’t know why you are so obsessed with TETRIS but please leave my husband alone. We have enough to deal with right now with Noah going to school and I would appreciate if you would just drop this TETRIS nonsense or at least leave us out of it!

Charles Brennan about 13 hours ago

Sorry, Sunny. I thought you’d quietly get the hint, but Kristy’s right. I’m just in a different place right now. An idea doesn’t become good just because you spend a lot of time convincing yourself it is. We had a lot of fun in middle school making crazy schemes, but . . . this is too much. I don’t know whether to be flattered or creeped out.

Frenske Baruto about 12 hours ago

Are this TETRIS coming to europe at all?? Sorry for my english!!

Creator Sunil Patel about 12 hours ago

Frenske - sorry, right now the plan is only for the States, maybe Canada at most. But if the first season is a big hit, hopefully we’ll do a world tour next!! Join the YouTube channel and check out the games streamed live :)

Frenske Baruto about 12 hours ago
youtube is block in my country :(( any plans for using striiym.co.zk also? They play most football and cricket,,,

Creator Sunil Patel about 12 hours ago

I’ll look into it :)

Ira Santiago about 10 hours ago

Sunil, just sent you an email as well. I’m sorry to say this but I really think there’s no possible way this can work safely. I can’t advise anyone to invest money in this. It’d be really neat to have a TETRIS team come to town, but I don’t think this is going to be the way it happens. Sorry man.

Alexey Pajitnov about 5 hours ago

Hello Sunil! Can you send me your personal email please. So we can talk :) Alexey

Ala Mitchell about 5 hours ago

OMG

Malin Augustine about 5 hours ago
woah woah woah!!!

• • • •

Update #1

Partnership with Alexey! THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING

Hello everyone! This is Sunil. HUGE news—I have been in touch with Alexey Pajitnov, the inventor of Tetris!! He thinks that Arena Tetris is a great idea and he wants to develop it with me under the official Tetris brand. (I knew we’d have to talk to him at some point!)

This is a huge leap forward for the Arena Tetris concept, but since it involves working with the official Tetris lawyers, designers, etc., I think this campaign is going to have to come down. But it brought the idea to the attention of Alexey, so in that sense it was a massive success! This is the best possible thing that could have happened and it’s so great to see my idea validated!!

Thanks to everyone who tweeted, blogged, and supported the campaign. You’ll all be the first to know when Arena Tetris finally comes to a town near you :)

Thanks!

—Sunil

• • • •

Comments

Malin Augustine about 4 hours ago
this is amazing!! this is amazing

Frenske Baruto about 4 hours ago

Congratulation sunil! This is good development for TETRIS!

Astrid Madison about 4 hours ago

Hahaha, this is going down in Kickstarter history for SURE. Incredible!

Kristina Brennan about 4 hours ago

That’s great, Sunil. It’s really great. I hope this leads to huge things for you. You have been so dedicated to this one idea for so long, you deserve to have some success. I guess it just goes to show that if you work long enough at something, you’re bound to get somewhere. The crazy guy who tries to build TETRIS for twelve years may not ever build TETRIS, but he becomes the guy who tried to build TETRIS for twelve years, and that’s something too. :) Of course it looks like you ARE finally going to get to build TETRIS!! This is the start of a whole new chapter for you and I can’t wait to see where it ends up taking you. Chuck always told me that once you got your mind on something, there was no letting it go . . . I guess he was right. But those are the kinds of people who change the world. Good job, hotshot! Best, Kristy+Chuck

alex p about 2 minutes ago
i find this in a google alert for my name. what is this ?

ZIPPERS

Derek Van Gorder

Derek Van Gorder is a writer, cameraman, and science fiction filmmaker based in NYC. For as long as he can remember he’s had a penchant for visual art, spaceships, and old-fashioned special effects. His most recent short film C (299,792 kilometers per second) was funded completely through Kickstarter, and became a Vimeo Staff Pick. It has since been featured on a variety of popular inter-web hubs, including Wired.com, Quiet Earth, and io9. He is currently plotting his next project.

ZIPPERS

by Dr. Sigmund Von Pabblessoworth, III

Funded! This project was successfully funded on Feb 23.

[ERROR CODE 42XC7 SERVER OVERLOAD]

backers

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pledged of $900,000,000

0
seconds to go

An innovative solution to entertainment-overload.

Project Goals

Blogosphere boredom? Twitter tired? Facebook fatigue? Instagram irritation? If you or someone you know is experiencing an acute or mild lack of awe or interest due to online content overexposure, one or two million doses of ZIPPERS may be all you need in order to revitalize your vital curiosity and wonder.

ZIPPERS is a beautiful new product on the bleeding edge of communication technology that will forever change the way you look at the internet, and yourself.

We humans are curious by nature. Expeditious! Exploratory! Inquisitive! To survive, we require ample servings of novel stimuli, the noveller the better, and as frequent as possible. But in this day and age, our collective sanity is threatened by the arrival of an unprecedented overabundance of media. Our senses dulled, our appreciation diminished, we stumble through a never-ending compendium of virtual worlds, dazed, confused, and gradually our minds grow hardened and stale. Dancing hamsters no longer amuse us, shark attacks have lost their bite, even the adorable kittens—whose laughter we once so cherished— now seem to mock us with their homogenous, monotone chuckles.

That’s where ZIPPERS comes in! Using a revolutionary new form of nano-neurotechnological infusion, ZIPPERS travels through myriad neural pathways directly into the cerebral cortex, enriching nerves, and fortifying them against decay. The process is near-instantaneous, and has consistently produced a 99-400% increase in feelings of joy, appreciation, wonder, even bliss.

Thousands of satisfied test subjects have attested to its success shortly before losing consciousness BUT THAT DOESN’T MATTER because you can try it for yourself.

In fact, you ARE trying it for yourself right now. That’s right! ZIPPERS requires no pesky pills or drops or suppositories because it can travel as particles of LIGHT ITSELF, directly from your screen, through your eyes, and into the brain where it belongs.

But read on, dear reader, for ZIPPERS needs your help. Developing ZIPPERS has incurred tremendous costs. Many brilliant and expensive scientists had to be tied and shipped, and the enormous underground facility in which the research was performed did not come cheap. These costs MUST BE RECOUPED.

Therefore, we have set a humble goal of nine hundred ($900) million dollars.

We accept payments through all major credit cards, PayPal, mortgages, business loans, gold bullion, nuclear power, cash, human labor, and industrial-scale quantities of steel (molten or otherwise).

What’s that you say? Why should I pay for ZIPPERS when it’s already operational and working on my brain right now? That’s exactly the kind of overly-critical / apathetic reaction that ZIPPERS was introduced to cure! Congratulations, you must be part of the control group.

NOW: scroll down and enjoy pretty colorful pictures of various small creatures.

• • • •

Comments
panzerman23 on Feb 23, 2015, 2:00 PM

OH MY GOD I LOVE THIS THIS IS AMAZING

jacobPHD on Feb 23, 2015, 2:03 PM

THIS IS AN IMPORTANT PROJECT I PLEDGED TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS

torque2@ill.tv on Feb 23, 2015, 2:04 PM

I’M VERY ENTHUSIASTIC ABOUT THIS

crazy948 on Feb 23, 2015, 2:04 PM

I PLEDGED ALL OF MY MONEY AND I FEEL GREAT

Jerry¼Smith on Feb 23, 2015, 2:04 PM

TAKE MY LIFE SAVINGS

goggleE3 on Feb 23, 2015, 2:04 PM

THAT CAT IS SO FUNNY

twittermom86 on Feb 23, 2015, 2:05 PM

ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT IS ZIPPERS

neverenslaved_04 on Feb 23, 2015, 2:05 PM

HELP ME WHAT DAY IS IT

Patty_Parson on Feb 23, 2015, 2:06 PM

I ENJOY USING MY COMPUTER VERY MUCH

appreciatorofliver on Feb 23, 2015, 2:06 PM

I’M . . . SO TIRED

twisterfan22ab on Feb 23, 2015, 2:07 PM

GOD IS DEAD LONG LIVE ZIPPERS

142,132,812 more comments . . .

• • • •

Pledge $5 or more

216,012 backers

2,000,000 ZIPPERS!

Pledge $10 or more

885,499 backers

2,000,000 ZIPPERS!

Pledge $60 or more

[ERROR CODE 42uB9 SERVER OVERLOAD] backers

2,000,000 ZIPPERS!

Pledge $152 or more

1,614,222 backers

2,000,000 ZIPPERS!

Pledge $100,000 or more

(697 backers)

And finally, most amazing of all: You guessed it, 2,000,000 ZIPPERS!

• • • •

Update #1 • Feb 23, 2015

Success! But Challenges Ahead!

CONGRATULATIONS AND SALUTATIONS, my darling backers! Words cannot express the boundless gratitude we all feel here at ZIPPERS INC— here, in our glorious subterranean geofront, many kilometers beneath the Earth’s crust. Thanks to you, the ZIPPERS initiative has been fully re-funded. Billions upon billions of ZIPPERS particles continue to be produced by our magnificent NeuroProton Generators, and thousands of new web-users join our ranks each day.

But all is not well. Alarmingly, our phenomenal success has attracted the attention of unscrupulous world governments, rabid with jealousy. They have banded together in an unholy Axis of Boredom, and our latest satellite intelligence reveals they are amassing hoards of men, munitions, missiles, and so on, no doubt for the purpose of launching an international armed invasion of our magnificent subterranean secret base.

MY FOLLOWERS! Do not let your generous donations amount to nought! Do not let your incredible financial sacrifice be in vain! We must rout these invaders at all costs! MAN THE HOVER-CARS! DRIVE THE DIRT-DRILLERS! BOARD THE AMPHIBITANKS! CHARGE THE MEGABEAM TURRETS! Soon, very soon, the nations of this world will learn the true potential of our wondrous, wondrous internets and their denizens! For the sake of the flying felines, the teething toddlers, the timeless timelapses, the mesmerizing mash-ups, the fabulous forums, the meaty message-boards, the tenacious tweets, let us bring ZIPPERS to the world!

Thank you. Thank you all. And good luck.

—DR. SIGMUND VON PABBLESWORTH III, INVENTOR OF THE ZIPPERS PARTICLE-WAVE-PARTICLE

I USED TO LOVE H.E.R.
(A/K/A HELP ENGINEER AND REBUILD MY ROBOT GIRLFRIEND ROOMMATE)

Maurice Broaddus

Maurice Broaddus has neither robots nor girlfriends—his wife of fourteen years and two sons prefer it that way. He whiles away his hours toiling in his own secret laboratory capturing stories for such places as Asimov’s, Weird Tales, Cemetery Dance, and Apex Magazine. Every now and then he puts on his editor’s hat for the Dark Faith series (Apex Publications) and Streets of Shadows (Alliteration Ink), the latter of which was Kickstarted. Mostly he’s known as the author of the urban fantasy trilogy, The Knights of Breton Court.

I Used to Love H.E.R.
(a/k/a Help Engineer and Rebuild My Robot Girlfriend Roommate)

The Indianapolis Recorder
The Nation’s Oldest Black Newspaper
Indianapolis, Indiana—October 7, 2005
ADVERTISEMENT

Taking the human brain and placing it in a mechanical body is the next phase in extending our lives past “death.”

My name is Sophine Rachel Willouby Jefferson, and I am considered by my peers to be a machinist of the first order, with access to a level of instruction few of my station would dare hope to attain, as The Royal Academy of Science sponsored my admission into Albion’s finest institution of higher learning, Oxford University.

Though The Royal Academy’s sponsorship opened many doors for me, I have had to work against factions within the university who for unknown reasons deemed it necessary to block my plans at every turn. Despite this, many of my professors have begrudgingly called my design work “daring.”

Any of a dozen different projects jostle for the attention of the Oxford University administration at any given moment, and department funding is often awarded to those who play politics and curry favor. Thus I have deemed it necessary to circumvent the usual academic funding mechanisms entirely and plead directly with you, the people.

If Winston Jefferson passed down any lesson to me it was this: Any system built can be circumvented with enough ingenuity and industry. Which brings us to my plea: Help fund my most challenging endeavor to date—transplanting my roommate’s brain into a robot shell.

Join the revolution: The opportunity to forge a biomechanical future!

I must first say that my dear roommate, Ms. Floretta Velis, isn’t technically dead. She merely experiences the pause of sleep. I do not wish to get into the tragic set of circumstances which led to her unfortunate condition, so let us leave it at that.

She and I worked together long into the night many a time debating the nature of memory storage and the location of one’s true heart. Do not let the Romanticists fool you: the brain is all—the total sum of who you are, warehoused in three pounds of tissue. Remove the liver, remove the dermis, remove all distracting organics, and one could still go on living so long as the brain remained intact. Of her essence—her spirit—I cannot speak, but Floretta’s memories remain stored in her brain (which has been preserved in a nutrient bath).

Enough time has passed with me being able to do little more than stare at her membranous flesh bobbing in its murky jar, awaiting its final disposition. The predictable chorus of objections arose. My work was deemed abominable, as if it had sprung from the mind of a heretic.

My argument remains the same: our society has already accepted prosthetic limbs. My proposed technique represents merely the next logical step.

Floretta’s current mechanical body lacks the suppleness of her God-created, organic original, but it can be refined. A hydraulic network, supported by a Barrington coil, along with a clockwork network of gears will power it. Flexible tubes run through her robotic body’s neck into her chest cavity. Rubber capillaries will carry the brain nutrient bath through filters, oxygenating it as they went before returning to the cranial chambers. A parallel system of venal tubes will similarly transport, expunge, and reinvigorate the machine lubricants. The trickiest element would be the interface between organic and inorganic, the fusion of metal and flesh where brain meets machine. My original plan was to capture the electrical signals of her brain through my encephalo-patterning process then transfer them to a mechanical seat, essentially running her memories much like one would translate sound for a phonogram. However, inspiration struck me with the errant flitter of fingers of lovers denied against one another. The bath itself would act as an interface, a liquid membrane by which electrical signals could pass. I have done some early work along those lines, having used the brains of abandoned dogs and placing them in robotic shells. I have a cinescopic reel of these experiments; alas, I can only provide the abstract here:

***ABSTRACT***

The Canine Cranial Anastomosive Venture

The first brain transplantation linkage was attempted without spinal linkage using a weaned puppy. The direct cephalic exchange was achieved with the use of fusagens, artificial membrane fusion cyberglycoproteins which facilitate cybernetic linkage to an automata body. “K9” attempts one through six had limited success as the host body shut down soon after awakening. The current theory is that the canine brain was incapable of accepting its new context. K9 series seven, Buddy, had a more familiar body casing crafted and achieved longer lasting mobility. Nearly a week elapsed before it [. . .]

[Full article available upon request.]

***ABSTRACT***

Aesthetically speaking, no one wishes to be reminded of the state of the brain bobbing within its glass chamber. However, the nature of my research impressed not only the Royal Academy, but also the Philosophie d’Alchemie in Paris. My early research attempts were also where I realized just how expensive such experiments could be.

So now I call upon my brothers and sisters to join me in this endeavor—to create for ourselves not only a new system to finance our dreams via crowd-sourcing, but to re-claim our natural mantle as philosophers, scientists, and engineers, a history that traces all the way back to Egypt and beyond, no matter what Albion’s history books may teach.

You may wire funds directly to my KickStarter account: Freedmen’s Bank. Indianapolis, IN. NWA19892004.

• • • •

Rewards

All donors will form the nexus of what I will call the Mata/hybrid community. Composed of persons interested in further projects, it will be a safe place for those who opt for mechanization as a way of life. Each backer will receive a special thank you along with the published paper. There will also be a backers-only event: one here at Oxford University and another at the Jefferson estate in Indianapolis.

Corporate level backing will receive special access to my research notes. There will also be a series of symposiums focused on discussing the moral implications, unique applications, and brainstorming expanded research possibilities of this endeavor.

Together we can move toward all manner of collaborative opportunities.

• • • •

Stretch Goals

If we exceed 300% of our funding goal, that will enable us to craft a custom casing sculpted from Floretta’s body. I hope to incorporate ceramic plates both for the smoothness of movement as well as aesthetics. (Besides being smooth to the touch, they double as noise dampeners.)

At 1000% funding we will eschew steam and employ an alternative power source. I’d like to bypass the budding love affair with combustible—or even electrical—engines in favor of the system pioneered by Dr. Errol Lecky (of the JPS Solar Research Laboratory at the University of Jamaica) to harness solar energy.

• • • •

The Indianapolis Recorder
The Nation’s Oldest Black Newspaper
Indianapolis, Indiana—October 14, 2005
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Update #1

Many questions and unfounded, ridiculous speculations have stained the beauty of this project: everything from the nature of the subject and how I obtained Floretta’s brain, to my real motivation for pursuing this endeavor. I had hoped the audacity of the scientific theory alone would carry the day without the need for maudlin sentiments, as I did not wish to divulge anything of a personal nature; however, circumstances have forced me to relate the terrible circumstance which required this desperate measure.

Floretta Velis was the first friend I made at Oxford University. We weren’t the first women to be admitted into its prestigious halls, but like our other female classmates, we were isolated, kept in our place by both our sex and our field of study—bioinformatics and bioengineering. We were roomed together, which was fine by us. We forged the bond of sisterhood, the joining of kindred spirits, akin to two soldiers who find themselves in the same foxhole.

A lanky girl, Floretta’s smooth white skin had a doll’s sculpted cuteness. Her eyes captivated with a glance, bright and full of life, but with a quiet fragility around the edges. A woman of acute sensibilities, she was unashamed in her ability to wonder. Life awed her with all of its infinite possibilities, and I am not embarrassed to admit, she affected me.

Often branded a heretic like myself, she strained to reconcile what was left of her faith with her love of science, seeking the beautiful accordances. She saw God’s work in nature, observing evidence of design—His fingerprints she called them—all around her. She considered herself a natural theologist. Though raised in the church, my heart aligned to science and with so many questions, my far more mundane spiritual answers seemed less satisfying these days. They definitely did not conform to the fashionable theology of the moment.

• • • •

I don’t recall how we first crossed paths with Godfred Barrington, but I took an immediate dislike to him. He possessed too much braggadocio to his stride for someone whose family’s fortune was derived from patenting a spring. I realize that the Barrington coil was more than a mere spring, but he could no further define its function nor application. Besides, echoing how history treated Tesla, the Barrington patent had been won under a flurry of lawsuits and the steady drumbeat of the local paper. As far as the public knew, the Barringtons had invented it.

Godfred whiled away his days at Oxford—playing cards, going on drunken binges, and cavorting in all manner of lewd ways which had become legendary about the campus. His family held a chair on Oxford’s board and this allowed him to continue about his pastimes with his usual brand of enthusiasm. He resented our very presence on campus—mine, Floretta’s, and perhaps that of all women or people of color—as if we somehow signaled the end of his time or were a threat to his position. He studied us when he thought we weren’t aware: me with a malignant glare and Floretta with something more . . . hungry to his gaze.

During one particularly angry confrontation—in which I may have outlined his family’s history of stealing other people’s ideas and work, particularly mocking their claim to discovering the Barrington coil—he revealed just how vindictive and easily offended he could be. An undercurrent of anger buoyed his sense of entitlement. What he didn’t demonstrate then was his ability to wait with the patience of a glacier.

• • • •

Months later, Godfred’s fraternity sponsored a party and invited our entire dormitory to attend. I had no intentions of darkening their halls with my shadow, but Floretta insisted. Her voice dulcet and seductive, her touch reminded me of the electricity that sparks all life; I could deny her nothing. Though I was in the middle of my K9 series eight tests, I told her I would meet her there.

When I arrived, the building disturbed my spirit. Shadows darkened the top two floors, the festivities consigned to the first floor. Yet something felt amiss. Then a light filled a room on the third floor. A silhouette backed toward its window. As many times as I had observed her in our own window, I knew the shadow to be Floretta’s.

Someone snuffed the light with the haste of burying a secret. The glass shattered. Her body tumbled out, her arms flailing against the night sky like a bird flapping with a broken wing.

Without hope of being able to prevent the inevitable, I ran to her anyway, and the sound of her body hitting the ground, wet and heavy, has haunted my dreams every night since. When I turned to look back up at the window from where she fell, for the briefest of moments, I swear I glimpsed Godfred.

Later, talking with the constables, Godfred denied his very presence on the third floor, and the party-goers backed his account that he never left the bacchanal at all. The Barrington’s wealth purchased a great deal of silence among those in attendance.

I held Floretta’s crushed form. Her hair was matted with blood, but was not beyond rescue. I had brushed it every night for her, one hundred strokes. As I caressed her hair then, I longed to have one last argument with her about the relative merit of biomechanical theory.

To have her again by my side, I would risk, I would dare, much—almost anything!—including whisking her body back to my lab to preserve her brain before the last vestiges of its chemical energies completely ceased. If that makes me a fiend, a devil, or a ghoul to some, then so be it. If this be the first step in renewed life—not just for Floretta but for any for whom life was too quickly taken away—then all the better.

Take this first risky step with me. You may wire funds directly to my KickStarter account: Freedmen’s Bank. Indianapolis, IN. NWA19892004.

• • • •

The Indianapolis Recorder
The Nation’s Oldest Black Newspaper
Indianapolis, Indiana—October 21, 2005
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

To whom it may concern,

Of course Sapphic Sophie took her fundraising efforts overseas. Appealing to the ignorant via a street pamphlet when those in a position to truly judge the merits of her theories have roundly rebuffed her. This seems like little more than a smear campaign guised as science. She should cede to the wisdom of her betters.

—Name Withheld Upon Request

• • • •

The Indianapolis Recorder
The Nation’s Oldest Black Newspaper
Indianapolis, Indiana—October 28, 2005
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Dear Anonymous,

I normally would not bother to respond to nameless trolls; however, I have already received enough donations from those so-called “ignorant” to create my prototype. We shall soon see how well my theories stand.

As for my “betters”—I hate them. I hate them all. I hate their money. I hate their privilege. I hate their sense of owning the world. I hate their arrogance, their idle superiority. And I hate that they occupy my thoughts enough to allow me to hate them.

—Yours in Truth, S.J.

• • • •

The Oxford Gazette
A Barrington Company
Indianapolis, Indiana—November 5, 2005

Update #2—Project Cancelled

From the Desk of August Witherspoon, Dean of Oxford University:

Sophine Jefferson’s “Project: Rebuild” has been cancelled. The entire endeavor was in violation of school policies and an affront to both the tenets of science and the Lord Himself. Ms. Jefferson hoped to keep her experiment a secret from the school faculty by raising funds and support off campus. But an endeavor of this magnitude cannot be hidden for long. The administration moved with all deliberate speed to put an end to her effrontery. She must have gotten wind of the fact that we were on our way. Myself accompanied by her faculty advisor, and Godfred Barrington, who initially alerted us, all of us escorted by campus security.

When we arrived at her lab, a tarpaulin covered her work table. She stood at her control board performing her final adjustments, her face contorted in mad glee; unaware or without care that we had burst in. I drew back the canvas to find the crude form of an automaton, like a miniature cityscape in metal. Jutting spires of brassworks, a complicated assortment of canisters and tubes, hooked into mechanical limbs. Smug arrogance filled Ms. Jefferson’s face, as if the world would soon recognize the brilliance of her masterpiece . . . until the obscenity moved.

Clockwork pieces fell into place as servos slowly ground in activation. The brassworks collapsed into the chest cavity which then sealed itself. Its head barely flinched. Red filters, like the aperture of a camera, turned to us. One could only speculate about the nature of the sensors designed to detect the world around it, much less how it interpreted the information. It raised its hand, a rickety motion of a graceless abomination, passing it before its . . . eyes. With the stuttering movement of an unsure marionette, it caught its reflection in the metal paneling of a cabinet.

We stepped back at the loud, irregular wheeze the monstrosity emitted, reminiscent of the desperate gasp of a diver breaking the water’s surface. Furious bellows deep within its chest pumped with a hiss, as if their hasty construction had sprung a leak. A ragged breath grew in the metallic beast, threatening to become an angry howl. Then it gave birth to a mechanical scream: a soul rending wail—without cease, as it had no need to draw breath.

It thrashed about the workshop, knocking over a cart of tools. Its arms wind-milled as if trying to regain its balance. Ms. Jefferson stepped down from her platform and raised her hands, signaling for us not to make any movement. She pushed her goggles up onto her forehead, a bandit removing her mask to be recognized. The metal monstrosity broke off its wail, unsure, deciding its next move. Ms. Jefferson whispered something to it, but the rest of us were too far away to hear. All I know was that the automaton turned to us, its limbs suddenly pistoning with fury as it barreled toward Godfred.

I ordered security to subdue it. The men hurled themselves at it, wild hyenas clinging to the back and sides of an insane lioness, scrabbling for any purchase. They bashed and pounded all the while the automaton obeyed whatever programming Ms. Jefferson had commanded, striding with inhuman determination toward Godfred. One of the men began pulling free the tubes at the back of its neck, and sputtering liquid sprayed from the suddenly loose connections. Ms. Jefferson screamed in protest, but the machine slowed, then collapsed to its knees. It outstretched its arm in one last desperate attempt to reach Godfred. Its pincher-like hands opened and snapped shut once, then twice . . . and then stilled forevermore. The engine of its bellows slowed. Its red-filtered disks turned to Ms. Jefferson one last time, then whatever energy fueled it expired.

Whether or not Ms. Velis’ brain truly animated the metal automaton as Ms. Jefferson claimed, we cannot say. What was left was a broken machine, little more than a child’s toy dashed against the wall in a fit of rage and then forgotten.

We at Oxford University cannot abide slander, whether on campus or abroad. A good family name such as the Barrington’s shall not be besmirched unchallenged, especially from one whose own family has had such a questionable history in its business dealings.

The university will be taking steps to put this entire dark chapter behind us.

LOCALLY GROWN, ORGANIC

Kat Howard

Kat Howard is the World Fantasy Award-nominated author of over twenty pieces of short fiction. Her work has been performed on NPR as part of Selected Shorts, and has appeared in Lightspeed, Subterranean, and Apex, among other venues. Her novella, The End of the Sentence, written with Maria Dahvana Headley, will be out in September from Subterranean Press. You can find her on twitter as @KatWithSword and she blogs at strangeink.blogspot.com.

Restaurant Natal

by Richard Fourneau

Funded! This project funded successfully on March 18.

1095
backers

$982,775
pledged of $500,000

0
seconds to go

A new restaurant, offering the epitome of truly unique cuisine.

About the Project

Are you bored by the meals at even the newest restaurant? Is your palate in need of rejuvenation? Do you believe food that is raised and produced humanely to be the best? If so, please read further, and consider supporting this campaign to fund my restaurant, Natal.

The specialty of Natal will be locally grown, organically produced newborns. As we all know, even with healthcare reform, the cost of prenatal care and giving birth can be extraordinary here in America. Your contribution will go directly toward providing the optimum in care and comfort to the fetuses themselves as they grow and the bodies of the women bearing them. I strongly believe that the host women deserve to be treated at least as well as any other animal involved in production. Natal will be founded with the belief that access to good food, comfortable shelter, and proper medical care for the host women contributes to the end quality of the product, and that the best way to ensure these things is to take what we’ve learned from farm to table production and apply them here.

Healthy, happy food is tasty food, after all.

Stretch Goals

Any amount beyond the requested funding goal will—after the creation of a small legal defense fund for myself as chef, as adoption proceedings can become contentious—go toward custom-designed menus for the host women to be fed while pregnant. It has long been a custom to vary the diet of fowl kept for foie gras production or escargot in order to provide a richer dining experience. I believe the same custom may be useful in enhancing the dining experience at Natal.

However, if the requested funding is doubled, that will unlock new reward levels. It will also mean that I will be able to hire a full-time physician, to help keep the host women safe and healthy throughout their confinement.

If the requested funding is tripled, I plan on investing in modest housing for the host women to live in during their confinement. This will help reduce their exposure to environmental stressors–happy food is delicious food.

Risks and Challenges

As with any specialty restaurant, there is always the risk that something could interfere with the supply stream. However, recent political trends suggest that it is unlikely that abortion will become more accessible to women. Access to contraception and clear sex education is also becoming less common. This means that there will continue to be a steady supply of women who are pregnant, and who have no desire or ability to pay for the costs of pregnancy and parenthood, and who do not fit the profile of women likely to produce adoptable children.

Pregnancy and the birth process involve risks of their own. This is why one of the goals of this project is to hire a resident physician, so as to maintain utmost standards of care and help all of the host women toward healthy production.

Also, as we all know, the restaurant business is a fickle one, and what is popular today may not be so tomorrow. However, I have successfully opened two other restaurants—Swift’s Cafe and the Michelin-starred Gilead—so I believe I am well-equipped to deal with any challenges that might arise in opening Natal.

• • • •

Update #1 • March 20, 2039

Stretch Goal Unlocked!

Our first stretch goal has been unlocked! Thank you to all of my investors who believe in healthy food. The new reward tiers are unlocked, and a full-time physician will be hired. As an additional show of gratitude, I will be emailing all backers a code good for an off-menu appetizer available only to backers when you visit Natal.

• • • •

Pledge $5 or more

347 backers

AMUSE-BOUCHE. You will receive the gratitude of myself, and of the women whose care your contribution goes toward.

Pledge $30 or more

153 backers LIMITED (47 left of 200)

APPETIZER. You will receive a copy (unsigned) of my bestselling cookbook, A Modest Meal. Please note that it contains suggestions for alternate protein sources, as cost is of course a burden in this area of cuisine

Pledge $50 or more

89 backers LIMITED (11 left of 100)

DRINKS AND DESSERT. You will receive an autographed copy of my bestselling cookbook, A Modest Meal.

Pledge $500 or more

200 backers LIMITED (0 left of 200)

DINNER OUT. You will receive a gift certificate good for one meal (appetizer, main course, dessert) at Natal.

Pledge $1000 or more

197 backers LIMITED (53 left of 200)

A FINE ROMANCE. You will receive a gift certificate for dinner for two (two appetizers, two main courses, two desserts, one bottle of wine) at Natal.

Pledge $5000 or more

96 backers LIMITED (4 left of 100)

MENU CONSULTANT. You will receive a meal at Natal, privately prepared for you and a guest, designed in personal consultation with me so as to best suit your taste. A unique experience!

Pledge $15,000 or more

13 backers LIMITED (12 left of 25)

CHEF’S ASSISTANT. Once the stretch goals are met, you will assist me in designing a feeding program for one of the host women, to help you have the meal of your dreams at the end of her confinement. (Note: this tier only unlocks when the stretch goals are met.)

• • • •

Comments

Foodie1 on March 1, 2039

Will there be vegan options?

Creator Richard Fourneau on March 1, 2039

I believe you are missing the point.

Funding4All on March 3, 2039

You’re already an established chef. Don’t you think this platform is better left to people just starting out?

Creator Richard Fourneau on March 3, 2039

This project fits all of the regulations, and was officially approved. Besides, allowing multiple investor funding serves us all in the end, as we become more mindful of what we eat and where our food comes from.

LegalEagle on March 4, 2039

Isn’t buying people, like, slavery?

Creator Richard Fourneau on March 4, 2039

I am not buying anyone. I am simply paying medical and associated costs and then adopting a child.

PennyPinch3r on March 7, 2039

Your reward tiers are really expensive. How much profit are you making?

Creator Richard Fourneau on March 7, 2039

The medical costs for routine pregnancy care and birth on their own can run in excess of $50,000, and that is in the case where there are no emergencies. That does not include food or shelter for the host women during their confinement. I am not doing this because I hope to become rich. My goal with Natal is to provide the ultimate in healthy, properly prepared food.

Motherluvver on March 9, 2039

How personally do you plan on being involved in protein production? There are a lot of hot chicks out there, if you know what I mean.

Creator Richard Fourneau on March 9, 2039

I remind you that in most states forced conception is a misdemeanor.

FreganFreedom on March 14, 2039

It’s not like you can’t pick up leavings, if you know where to look. What makes yours so special?

Creator Richard Fourneau on March 14, 2039

One can appreciate the difference between factory farmed eggs and heritage, free-range eggs. This situation is similar. Yes, one can find leavings on the black market. But, as they say, caveat emptor in such a situation. Whereas at Natal, I will be able to control all aspects of production after conception.

NeedsHelp on March 1, 2039

I need help. I didn’t want to be pregnant. We used a condom. But I am, and lost my job because I went to the doctor, and got kicked out of my apartment because I couldn’t pay the rent. I can’t get anywhere for a termination. I want to volunteer to be in your program if this project funds. Please.

Due to excessive similarity with other posts, this comment has been flagged as spam, and marked for deletion.

Click to view other similar comments . . .

LET’S KEEP BURT GRIMSBY’S HEAD FROZEN!

Heather Lindsley

Heather Lindsley’s work has appeared several times in The Magazine of Fantasy and Science Fiction, as well as in the magazines Asimov’s, Strange Horizons, and Greatest Uncommon Denominator. Her fiction has also appeared in John Joseph Adams’s dystopian anthology Brave New Worlds and in The Mad Scientist’s Guide to World Domination, in Year’s Best Science Fiction 12, edited by David G. Hartwell and Kathryn Cramer, and in Talking Back, edited by L. Timmel Duchamp. She has been featured on Escape Pod as a writer and on Podcastle as a reader, and her stories have appeared in Polish, Romanian, Russian, and French translations. She currently lives in Brighton and works in London, which gives her more time to write on the train.

Let’s Keep Burt Grimsby’s Head Frozen!

by AnonD71

Funding Canceled. Funding for this project was canceled 3 days ago.

51
backers

$18,325
pledged of $129,527

When a crowd can fund your dream, no project is too extreme . . . not even a water-fueled engine to #saveburtsfrozenhead

Greetings, Kickileaks community, and thanks for visiting my latest project.

Most of you know my job in GrimsbyCo’s Department of Archiving and Destruction gives me access to some interesting stuff, and thanks to your discretion and generosity we’ve been able to test a few plans I’ve rescued from the vaults.

We’ve had fun, but now it’s time to say goodbye to semi-effective mind control smell-o-vision and faulty jetpacks.

The stakes are higher now. It’s time to get serious.

I need your help to build a water-fueled engine. Not just because that’s awesome and green and will probably save the world, but because we need that energy. We need it to keep Burt Grimsby’s head frozen.

About the Project

Last week a canister turned up in the Destroy bin. We get a lot of canisters in our department, mostly unmarked and full of failed bioIP. This canister was bigger than usual and had a green light at the bottom that started to flash amber while I was checking out a symbol engraved on the side. I recognized the three adjacent circles in an inverted triangle from an alien autopsy film that landed in the Archive bin a couple of years ago.

It’s a good thing fellow Kickileaker AnonP5 was working security that evening. If I’d had to wait another day to get the canister home, it would have been too late.

As you’ve no doubt surmised, the canister contains the frozen head of Burt Grimsby. I haven’t actually taken his head out, but I swear I’d recognize that neat-as-a-pin hair parting anywhere. Apparently no one is interested in giving old Burt’s head the perpetual respect it deserves. So sad, but not surprising, given how far those bastards in charge have strayed from Burt’s vision.

Anyway, the light started flashing red so I closed the canister as fast as I could. It was pretty obvious the battery was draining. I thought about trying to get Burt’s head in my freezer, just as a stop-gap, but then I had a better idea.

I’ll spare you a repeat of my forum post about alien tech and smartphones, except to say “I told you so!”—my charger clicked into a slot at the back. The flashing red light turned steady, and after a few minutes went amber. When I woke up in the morning it was steady green. Phew, right?

Well, yes, but then I had a look at my electricity meter. It wasn’t as bad as the national debt clock or the population clock, but dear lord it wasn’t good. I unplugged the canister and the meter stopped spinning.

The canister’s light held at steady green when I unplugged it, but a few days later it went to flashing green. I’ve been taking it to a different chain coffee joint every other day to keep it charged. I figure they’ll catch on eventually, so I really need a long term solution.

Fortunately, Burt provides! Last month I took home a short film from 1951 called Build Burt Grimsby’s Superfantabulous Water-fueled Generator in Your Very Own Garage! mostly because it was narrated by Orson Welles just one week before he was found dead of an “overdose” in his Brentwood home. I watched the film again, and it turns out you actually can build a water-fueled generator in your very own garage.

Unfortunately, the key ingredient is more difficult to come by these days because it’s also a key ingredient in meth. As Vicky Vole would say, “Dag-waggly mabbit!”

Difficult, but not impossible, if we all clap our hands and kick in some cash.

I’m a true believer in Burt Grimsby’s vision. We can turn the world into his Enchanted Kingdom, but we need his help. We need his head. I need your money.

Let’s keep Burt Grimsby’s head frozen!

About the Funding

I need $3K to cover hardware costs

I need $45K for chemicals necessary to charge the water

And I need $81,527.45 to pay my outstanding electric bill

Stretch Goals

It’s a big ask, but get in touch if you or someone you know is willing to donate a body to be the future home of Burt’s brain.

• • • •

Pledge $25 or more

17 backers

RESIDENT OF FUTURELAND. You get a copy of the Grimsby-produced but undistributed short film Robots: Our Completely Harmless Servant Friends.

Pledge $50 or more

6 backers

RESIDENT OF WILDERNESSLAND. You get a copy of the unfilmed script for Song of the West. Hard to believe, but it’s even more offensive than that other film with a compass direction and zippy songs.

Pledge $100 or more

13 backers

RESIDENT OF BEASTIE BAY. That alien autopsy film I mentioned? It’s yours. Featuring Burt and two guys who look a lot like Howard Hughes and Dwight D. Eisenhower.

Pledge $300 or more

1 backer

RESIDENT OF HOMETOWN, AMERICA.

- Design specs and paid invoice for animatronic Thomas Dewey, or

- Design specs and paid invoice for animatronic Al Gore

Pledge $500 or more

9 backers

RESIDENT OF MAGICLAND. You get a copy of the body-swap spell used in the live action film Weird Wednesday. Those actors? Totally not acting. (Only lasts five minutes between two willing subjects, but still.)

Pledge $1,000 or more

2 backers

ENCHANTED KINGDOM ROYALTY. You get the bioIP to clone the Volenteer of your choice. (Note: this is bioIP only. Hardware, software, and wetware not included.)

Pledge $1,500 or more

1 backer

BACKLOT BACKER BRONZE. You get a random assortment of previously unpublished mugshots of former GrimsbyCo child actors, 1957-1997. Yeah, it’s all the ones you’d expect, but there are also some real shockers in here.

Pledge $3,000 or more

1 backer

BACKLOT BACKER SILVER. You get to read the Secret Minutes of the Vicky Vole Club, 1956-1989. I don’t want to give too much away, but the “Y” is not “because we like you”.

Pledge $5,000 or more

1 backer

BACKLOT BACKER GOLD. You get to read the Secret Minutes of the Vicky Vole Star Chamber, 1961-2001. Seriously—you have no idea how deep this goes.

• • • •

Risks and Challenges

I won’t kid you—getting the ingredients to charge the water is going to be a challenge. But I know a guy, so hopefully it’ll be okay.

And we’re all on the same page about GrimsbyCo these days, right? They’re ruthless about protecting their property, intellectual and otherwise. Taking anything out of the Department of Archiving and Destruction was a risk. Having any of this stuff in your possession is a risk.

Even posting about it here is a risk. But as a registered member of Kickileaks you already knew that.

• • • •

Comments

AnonR999 8 days ago

Dude—it’s not actually fueled by water, it’s fueled by meth. You’re asking for funding to build a meth engine.

AnonK12 8 days ago

It sounds way more awesome when you put it like that. Fuck Grimsby’s frozen head—Meth Engine! I’m in.

AnonPGW36 7 days ago

Wait a minute, D. If you didn’t take the head out of the container, how do you even know it’s Burt Grimsby? It could be anyone with dark hair and good grooming. It could be Hitler.

AnonMJ42 7 days ago

Godwin in heaven, that was fast.

AnonPGW36 7 days ago

Whatever. My point stands.

AnonK12 6 days ago

I don’t care who it is. I’m all about funding the Meth Engine.

AnonMJ42 4 days ago

Hey, has anyone seen D or P IRL lately? D wasn’t at game night last weekend and isn’t answering my texts.

AnonPGW36 4 days ago

What, you think GrimsbyCo goons got them?

AnonK12 4 days ago

Paranoid much?

AnonR999 4 days ago

Um, this is Kickileaks.

AnonK12 4 days ago

Yeah, but that’s paranoid even for us.

AnonD71 3 days ago

Hi everybody. You can read more under Project Updates, but just so you know, I’m canceling this project. Really sorry. Of course you’ll keep your money, but as a show of good faith, I want to go ahead and send you any rewards you’re entitled to. Just DM your addresses and I’ll make sure you get them.

AnonK12 3 days ago

WTF?

AnonD71 2 days ago

Guys, send me your addresses.

AnonD71 2 hours ago

Send me your addresses, guys.

JEROME 3.0

Jason Gurley

Jason Gurley is the author of Eleanor, The Man Who Ended the World, Deep Breath Hold Tight, and the bestselling novel Greatfall, among other books. He lives with his family in the Pacific Northwest, and can be found at jasongurley.com.

Jerome 3.0

by Roberta Heisengel

Funding Canceled. Funding for this project was canceled on August 2.

14

Backers

$73

Pledged of $180,000,000

Reunite a widow with her late husband, and help write the final act to a love story that transcends death itself.

What is Jerome 3.0?

I suppose that should say who is Jerome, shouldn’t it? What sounds too . . . antiseptic. The word what undermines everything I’m trying to do here.

By now I think most of you know Jerome almost as well as I do. For the uninitiated, a short recap: My name is Roberta Heisengel, and I am the widow of the lovely and brilliant Jerome Heisengel. (Or “the Robot Widow,” as The New York Times has referred to me.)

Jerome was, you might say, nobody special, except that he was very, very special to me. We had no children, and I was his only family. He was a product of the system, raised in foster homes until he came of age. He worked hard at his unspectacular job, and earned just enough money to keep the lights on. We met in a field in the rain, and that lovely moment captured all that our life would be from that moment on: mud, thunder, and the two of us in the middle of it all, together. I loved him dearly. My life has little meaning without my beloved Jerome to warm it.

Jerome 3.0 is my attempt to bring him back.

I have his memories, his essence, saved to a file on my computer.

I want to implant that file in a robot’s core. I want to bring my husband back to me.

Project History

As you may guess from the version number, this is not the first time I have asked for your help. When Jerome passed away in 2024, we were one of the 500 lucky couples selected by the human preservation foundation conscio•US for memory recording. As you may know, the foundation ran out of money and was shuttered amid a storm of criticism. What you may not know is that 11 of the 500 couples had successfully imprinted their brains before the foundation toppled. Jerome and I were among them.

By 2026, I was painfully lonely. I had thought I might live a life worthy of Jerome’s memory, but nothing I spent my time on satisfied the ache I felt. I won’t beat around the bush here—I thought of killing myself. Who wouldn’t? If you’ve known love, and lost it—well. Perhaps you might understand.

That year I received Jerome’s file in a last email from the foundation. It was smaller than I had expected—I almost deleted it. I thought it was spam. I’m so glad I didn’t.

Jerome 1.0

I started my first crowdfunding project a week later, almost on a whim. I didn’t expect anybody to help me. I asked for enough money to purchase a simple household assistant-bot, one I might load Jerome’s memories into. It wasn’t much, just $14,000. I was overwhelmed by the response—thousands of you wonderful people gave from your hearts, and helped me raise over three million dollars. With that money I was able to purchase a maker-bot, one that would assume Jerome’s physical characteristics. I promised to share Jerome and his new life with the world.

But Jerome 1.0, as I called him, never arrived. The maker-bot was stolen right off of the delivery truck somewhere in Topeka, a thousand miles from my front door. Three million dollars and months of patience, gone. My heart, which had been warmed by so many others, ached with this fresh loss of my husband.

Jerome 2.0

The talk shows and media carried the story for weeks. I didn’t want to give interviews, but I did. Someone suggested I try raising the money again. After all, I still had the original file that was emailed to me. What could it hurt? I worried that I might be asking too much of the world that had shown such generosity to me, but I missed Jerome too much to give up.

My second crowdfunding project overshot its modest goal as well. I had again asked only for $14,000, expecting to be quite content with the assistant-bot I had originally hoped to purchase. After all, I wished only for it to keep me company and talk to me each evening.

The world gave me eleven million dollars, enough to purchase an elite maker-bot. I shared every update from the factory—each photo they sent me of Jerome 2.0’s progress through the customization process, every video of his features being sculpted in animated latex. Every day I received emails and letters from people around the world who had also lost their loved ones, and who were living vicariously through my journey of resurrecting my Jerome.

A sinkhole opened beneath the factory floor in late 2027, swallowing up not only my Jerome 2.0, but causing hundreds of millions of dollars of damage and, sadly, claiming seventeen lives. The loss of my husband for this, the third time, paled next to the loss that so many other families suffered.

Once again, my funded project had failed.

Jerome 3.0

This time I’m not taking any chances. Some have suggested that God himself opposes my attempt to bring Jerome back from the dead. Some have called me a freeloader and a whore for expecting the world to once again carry this burden for me. But I have been encouraged by the letters from other widows and widowers, and my mission now is no longer my own. Jerome 3.0 is not simply going to sit beside my bed and read me to bed at night. Jerome 3.0 represents the next stage of our evolution as a society. Jerome will be the voice of everyone who died without leaving something of themselves behind. My modest husband will champion the memories of every lost soul.

And now you can bring him home yourself.

That’s right. I’m not taking any chances. A single bot is no longer an appropriate solution to my problem. After all, the universe has intervened twice to take away those bots. So this time I am, as they say, going big—and I’m not going home.

Project Goals

I hope to raise $180,000,000.

Now, you might suggest that I’m being greedy, but I assure you that my motives are not selfish. $180 million dollars will purchase sixty Jerome 3.0 maker-bots. Sixty! I’m sure your next question is: Roberta, why do you need sixty Jeromes?

Well, I don’t. Three of them are for me—one to serve my original purpose of bringing my poor Jerome back home again, and two for the sake of redundancy. Those two backup Jeromes will be stored in safe, differing locations, so that the odds of loss or destruction are made slim.

The other fifty-seven Jeromes, however, are yours to do with as you please. They will be the employees of my new corporation, Jerome You.0. They’ll be available for you to rent for all sorts of purposes. Imagine, a dozen Jeromes serving guests at your garden party! Thirty Jeromes performing crowd-control services at a rock show! Forty Jeromes to build a house for you in a day’s time! Imagine the charitable and philanthropic achievements that a small army of Jerome maker-bots could achieve—imagine the change they could enable, the joy they could bring.

• • • •

Pledge $1,000,000 or more

0 backers  LIMITED (180 left of 180)

Enjoy the company of a Jerome You.0 maker-bot for 30 days! Wake up to Jerome’s terrific pancakes, and enjoy his vibrant commentary on modern cinema!

Pledge $5,000,000 or more

0 backers  LIMITED (36 left of 36)

A Jerome You.0 maker-bot will take your place in your real life for 90 days, attending all meetings, working your day job, and more! Take a cruise, go skydiving, or just catch up on all those years of missed sleep!

Pledge $10,000,000 or more

0 backers  LIMITED (18 left of 18)

Enjoy the company of a Jerome You.0 maker-bot for one week in Privacy Mode! Whatever you desire, Jerome will provide—and no records of your requests will be kept. (Any illegal activities are the sole responsibility of the investor, and Jerome You.0 will not be held responsible or accountable for criminal acts.)

Pledge $50,000,000 or more

0 backers  LIMITED (4 left of 4)

One dozen Jerome You.0 maker-bots are exclusively yours for six months! They’ll help you build a cabin, stage a coup or perform every one of Shakespeare’s plays for you—in character!

• • • •

Risks and Challenges

I believe that the world is a giving, wonderful place, as it has proved to me on two previous occasions. However, I am asking you all to really dig deep this time, and I understand that it may prove more challenging to fund this project. There are already some naysayers in the media who have taken issue with my previous projects. I fully expect them to dogpile my efforts once again to restore my poor, sweet husband.

Acts of (so-called) God are, of course, possible, as evidenced by the horrific outcome of Jerome 2.0.

There is an outside chance that this small army of Jeromes will rebel against authority. Jerome, while sweet and kind, did sometimes chafe at the limitations of polite society.

• • • •

Update #1 • Jul 6, 2028

Let’s change the world!

Three days into this project, I am saddened to see so few contributions. Please take a moment to consider your own lost loved ones. What would you give to bring them back? Would you give any amount of money? I know I would.

Let’s bring some love to the world!

Update #2 • Jul 10, 2028

The future of philanthropy

Some have suggested that I am asking far too much, and giving far too little. Also, that the reward tiers are unrealistic. I confess that I had hoped only a few donations might fund this project entirely. My short-sightedness is my own fault. I’ve now expanded the reward tiers to include donations that range from $1.00 to the full $180 million. But truly, the greatest reward is a sense of contribution to something larger than yourself, is it not? One day, Jerome 3.0 maker-bots will create works of art and build irrigation systems for underprivileged nations!

Update #3 • Jul 18, 2028

Have some respect

Yes, if you contribute enough money to earn Privacy Mode time with a Jerome You.0 maker-bot, you can use the robot for personal satisfaction. I feel it only prudent, however, to tell you that Jerome was not a particularly capable lover. I have no reason to believe that this will have changed since his death four years ago. I loved him for more than his ability or inability to provide fleeting physical pleasure. I loved the man for his soul and his enormous heart.

Update #4 • Jul 27, 2028

Where is your humanity?

Well, three weeks have passed now, and this project has raised only $56. I’m deeply saddened by the suggestions that I am—as one journalist so unkindly put it—“whoring out my late husband’s brain for monetary gain.” I won’t earn a single cent from this project’s funding. Every dime will go to building the Jerome robots.

He was a gentle man. Sharing him with the world would be a gift anybody should be happy to receive.

Update #5 • Jul 29, 2028

Under siege!!!!

I’m horrified by some of the insinuations in the comments. I wish I could disable the comments altogether, but the admins say I can’t, so I guess I need to address some of those allegations here.

Lying Allegation #1: You probably stole all of the money from the first two crowdfunding projects.

Well, that’s a ridiculous lie. Both of the projects were funded, and the money was given to me as the generous investors intended. That neither project resulted in usable robots was not my fault.

Lying Allegation #2: There’s no way you have any intention of actually making these robots.

How—I don’t even—Well, first of all, I can’t make the robots myself, but second of all, yes, yes, I do have every intention of— You know what, no, I’m not going to keep responding to these infuriating and insulting lies.

I miss my husband. I want him back. Give me money to help me do that or don’t. It’s entirely up to you.

Update #6 • Jul 29, 2028

Mea culpa, mea culpa

I want to apologize for the tone of my last update. There are five days left in the project, and we’ve raised only $68. I certainly don’t mean to alienate anybody who believes that I’m somehow “gaming the system.” I’m just a grieving widow who wants to hear her husband’s voice again. I know some people won’t believe I deserve any more time with him than I have already had, and that’s okay. I respect their opinion.

I trust in the generous spirits of those who have lost someone. We can make this happen. We can make this real. There’s only—well, there’s a lot of money left to raise. But it only takes a few people of means to see the vision here, and to make it real.

Update #7 • Jul 30, 2028

Won’t stop believin’

Yesterday The New York Times published an article titled “Robot Widow’s Latest Effort to Resurrect Husband on Verge of Failure.” Someone donated two dollars a few minutes after the article was published.

Thank you, someone.

Update #8 • Jul 31, 2028

A crisis of faith

Four days remaining. $71 contributed.

I am losing faith. Each night I fall asleep and dream that Jerome is slipping farther and farther away from me. I have asked myself a thousand times what I have done wrong. My sister says that she overheard someone at work talking about me. They said, “The robot widow has displeased God.” I heard that, and I prayed for the first time since I was in Catholic school. I prayed and asked God to grant me this one request, and I will do anything in my power to bring hope and light to the lives of everyone that I and Jerome 3.0 meet.

Still hanging on. Please.

Update #9 • Aug 1, 2028

Jerome

My Jerome used to read a book to me every month. A chapter or two each night, until I fell asleep, listening to the soft whisper of his voice. All I ever wanted was to hear his voice again, to know that he wasn’t lost to me forever. I don’t want to live without him. But I’ll never hear him finish reading Jane Eyre to me. Every night I stare at that book and cry.

The project is almost over. There has only been one donation in the last three days. A dollar-fifty.

This morning I watched Good Morning Boston, Jerome’s favorite show. They were making jokes about me, and about Jerome. One of the hosts said (I’m paraphrasing), “That man must have had a million-dollar tongue, if you know what I mean.” And then the other host quoted from my update above, where I said Jerome wasn’t a talented lover. The first host said, “Well, what’s the point of all this, then, if not for some hot robot action?”

I’m humiliated, I’m lonely, I’m emptied-out by all of this. I’m a simple woman who missed her husband. And somehow I’ve managed to desecrate his memory. There is no greater crime, and I could not regret these past years more than I do today.

I hope none of you ever have to live through this.

I’m not mad.

I’m disappointed in myself.

I’m disappointed in all of you.

SITE ADMINISTRATOR UPDATE

August 2, 2028

10:22am

This project has been terminated prior to its deadline due to the creator’s passing (see http://newcitytimeschronicle.com/project-jerome-creator-found-dead-in-bathtub). Further comments have been disabled. —Admin.

HELP ME DESTROY CANNES!

Jonathan L. Howard

Jonathan L. Howard is an author and scriptwriter, the creator of the Johannes Cabal, Russalka Chronicles, and Goon Squad series. He lives in the English West Country with his wife and daughter, and Cannes will suffer his wrath.

HELP ME DESTROY CANNES!

by Daniel Franklin

67,234
backers

$1,547,320
pledged of $1,500,000

15
days to go

Back This Project

$1 minimum pledge

This project will be funded on Wed, Mar 26 2027 9:37 AM PDT.

At last, a plan to remove the horrible blight of Cannes from the world. It will work, but I need your pledges!

Video Transcript

Hi, crowdfunders! My name’s Daniel Franklin, and I’m here to talk to you about an exciting new project I’ve come up with, and that I think you’ll want to get behind.

First, I want you to ask yourself a question, a really important question. Think about the world today. Think of all the injustice, the cruelty, the rich getting richer and the poor being kicked in the ditch. Think of religious extremism, political corruption, environmental carnage. Think of all the evil in the world. It seems pretty overwhelming, doesn’t it? “Yeah, but, Daniel,” you might say, “there’s too much, and anyway, that’s always been the way of the world. What can we do?”

What can we do?

We can destroy Cannes.

I know. I know what you’re thinking. “Gee, Daniel, why destroy Cannes? Doesn’t Ipanema deserve it more?” Well, yes. Yes, it does, but there’s already a crowd-funding campaign to build a giant robotic crab to smash Ipanema, which was going pretty well last time I looked, so . . . (gives thumbs-up, smiles) good work, guys! Hope that works out for you!

So, yeah, Cannes might not be the first place you think of as being a suppurating cyst of evil on the world’s flank, but it comes a damn close second, am I right? I mean look at it.

It is so smug. Do you know the history of Cannes? It doesn’t have one. Well, nothing worth spit. Some monks, a few Saracens, then rich folk notice it and it sucks up to them. Hey, you’d think it would have some history from World War II, wouldn’t you? Nope. It was—surprise, surprise—in Vichy France. What a coincidence.

Look at this. This is the official UN map of evil for the Mediterranean, graduated from one (“Not Evil”) all the way through to five (“Really Evil”). And, hey, lookit! There’s only one place on the coast that gets a five. Guess where? Don’t forget, this is an official map. It’s the real deal.

So, I guess you’re thinking about now, “Gee, Daniel, you’re right. Cannes really is a putrescent canker of elemental evil and it must be destroyed for the good of the rest of humanity, excepting those in Ipanema, Cleveland, and Slough, who’ll be getting theirs soon enough, donations permitting. But how can we help bring a much-deserved doom to this awful pit?”

Well, I’m glad you asked.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot, and I think I’ve come up with a pretty simple and elegant solution. See, I was looking at the same kind of stomach-turning images you’ve just had to endure—and I’m really sorry about that, by the way—and I noticed that almost every picture or piece of footage had two elements that kept coming up. It wasn’t the stinking decadence, although there was plenty of that. It wasn’t the shallow parasitic scum who infest the place like maggots on a wounded pig, nope. It wasn’t the super yachts owned by oligarchs who really ought to be propping up a fertiliser pile somewhere, although that’s getting closer.

I’ll tell you.

It was the sun, and the sea.

That’s right. Cannes festers by a warm sea. And that gave me an idea, because, what does warm salty water make you think of?

That’s right.

Brains.

It’s an ideal environment for them. They love the warmth and bobbing around in saline. Believe me, I know brains. I’ve got a few here today. Say hi, guys!

They’re saying “Hi!” telepathically. You’ll have to take my word for that, but they couldn’t be friendlier.

I’ve been growing my own synthetic brains for years now. I guess plenty of people give it a go when they’re kids, maybe get one of those “Grow your own brain” kits you used to see in comic book ads, but most people get bored and forget to feed it one day, and that’s that.

But they always fascinated me, and growing those little retail hamster brains was never really enough for me, so I was growing full human brains by the time I was in high school. And so, you know, they’re special to me. Heck, I think of them as my friends.

So, I played around with how to leverage my brain-growing experience with the problem at hand, i.e. Cannes. A whole fleet of brains would be easy enough to make, and I could engineer cilia—little tentacle hairs, that is—onto them so they could swim, but that just ran into the problem of what would they do when they got there? They’d just kind of bob around like a jellyfish shoal. It might make swimming kind of gross, but it wouldn’t do the main thing, which is destroying a French coastal town of seventy-something thousand people.

But then an idea came to mind. Not my mind. It was Brain #5, who’s always been pretty good at thinking outside the jar. It said . . .

Think bigger.

So I thought big. Then I thought huge. Then I thought colossal. And this is what I came up with.

Okay, it’s a brain. No surprise. But that’s not the whole picture.

I thought bigger. And this brain will think biggest of all.

I have to point out right away that nobody . . . nobody has ever grown a brain on this scale before. This is virgin territory and I am all fired up and excited to make this a reality. The other thing to bear in mind is that all the authorities on industrial scale cognitive bodies say something this big will manifest psi capability. That’s a given. Even my brains here can manage short range telepathy. Big Gray, the brain the IRS uses, sometimes uses pyrokinesis to punish late payment, and Big Gray isn’t even one percent as big as the baby I’ll make with your help.

Now I’m going to design in tentacles and squid-like water jets to make my Cannes-killer mobile, but I kind of suspect that, with all those neurons and synapses, with all that complexity, it will probably be able to move through the sea using telekinesis. Heck, it wouldn’t surprise me if it could fly when it’s finished! But I can’t know that; nobody can, not at this stage. That’s all explained in “Risks and Challenges” which you’ll find at the foot of the page.

So, how does this big boy destroy Cannes? Well, I’m hopeful it will exhibit strong—I’m hoping for biblical, actually—levels of telekinesis like I said, plus maybe pyrokinesis, aggressive telepathy to cause irresistible suicidal impulses in humans, and maybe something left field like cryokinesis. Wouldn’t that be something? Cannes in a snowstorm, while the buildings burn, and the people queue up to throw themselves into the fires or drown themselves on the beach. Wouldn’t that be awesome? Yeah, maybe I’m an optimist, but even if the brain can’t do all that, it’s still gigantic with tentacles, so it can do things old school and just smash the place into rubble.

I’ve thought through all the practicalities of this, which I’ve put into the second video below. If that’s too much hassle, briefly, the brain will be grown at a commercial site in Italy near Genoa to about the size of a VW bus. It will then be conditioned with an abiding hatred of Cannes before being released into the sea. It eats fish—brain food, right?—and will wander around the Mediterranean heading in a roughly westwards direction along the coast using homing routines borrowed from pigeon cortices. It won’t attack until it has reached a specified size, though, so it won’t do anything embarrassing like jumping the gun and getting beached or being run down by a yacht. When it’s fully mature—and not before—that deep hatred will flare into rage and it will make its move. I’m estimating that it will take about a year in the water to reach that state.

So, there you have it. If you have any questions, you can get in touch with me through this site and you can see the pledge levels down the side here.

We’ve got loads of great stuff—t-shirts like this one, bookmarks, coasters, signed brains—and some wonderful limited editions, like these prints . . . This one’s called “La Mort de Cannes,” and there you can see the brain hovering over the town, and there are flames everywhere, and just look at all those beautiful scumbags running and screaming. I don’t know much about art, but I love this picture. And it can be yours!

Well, that’s all. If you want to help free your world of the stinking aberration known as Cannes, and score some great loot, please back this project.

Thank you.

SAVE THE PHOTOPHOBIC HEMOGLOBIVORES WITH THE SANGUINE RESERVE!

Mur Lafferty

Mur Lafferty is a podcaster and writer from Durham, NC. She made her name with podcasting (I Should Be Writing, The Angry Robot Podcast, and Escape Pod, the premier SF podcast magazine) and has written for magazines, roleplaying games, and audio and video podcasts. She’s the author of the popular Shambling Guides series, with books 1 (Shambling Guide to New York City) and 2 (Ghost Train to New Orleans) out now.

Save the Photophobic Hemoglobivores With the Sanguine Reserve!

by Billie Jo Warn

708
backers

$1,007,547
pledged of $1,000,000

38
days to go

Back This Project

$1 minimum pledge

This project will be funded on Wed, Jun 5 2014 10:47 AM PDT.

Help conserve one of the oldest species on Earth with a private nature reserve.

About This Project

Every creature is better alive than dead, men and moose and pine trees, and he who understands it aright will rather preserve its life than destroy it. —Henry David Thoreau

Henry David Thoreau had a great respect for nature and all that exists within it. If he knew how our world worked today, with thousands of creatures threatened with extinction, he would likely be driven to conservation efforts, which is why we started the Thoreau Conservation Society.

My name is Billie Jo Warn, and I’ve spent my life preserving endangered species. I was there when the last black rhino died. I was also there when the Jefferson cloning lab in Santa Fe, New Mexico welcomed Polly, the first baby black rhino to return to existence. Preserving life is my passion.

Our latest efforts are to save another creature hunted nearly to extinction, a creature that is longer-lived than the great tortoise. A few months ago, some Thoreau vigilante conservationists interrupted a vampire safari in Poland and managed to save what we believe to be the some of the last vampires in existence.

After our deportation, we hatched the plan for the first vampire reserve, to protect and to study these endangered creatures.

Now we have our four Polish vampires, two male and two female, and hope that they will form mated pairs if we give them their own place to live, far away from the stakes of hunters and the wretched sun. A small island on the northern coast of an undisclosed northern country seemed perfect.

Now we just need the funds. The money we need will be used to rent the island from this country’s government for a five-year lease, to build proper gothic mansions for each mated pair, and also to build secure fences to protect the vampires from hunters. There will be no trophy urns of dust removed from our reserve.

Do not be too moral. You may cheat yourself out of much life so. Aim above morality. Be not simply good; be good for something. —Henry David Thoreau

Stretch Goals

Our base goal will cover the funding of the reserve, the wall, and the five-year lease. But with more money we could do so many more amazing things. At the $1,500,000 level, we will be able to set up a secure viewing area for visiting scientists. If we have better ways to safely tranquilize, tag, and study these gentle nocturnal creatures, we could understand them and perhaps work to spread their population.

At the $2,500,000 level we will create a vampire museum and educational classes, allowing interested students to come and learn from our subjects. The museum will also be a moneymaker, ensuring the reserve lasts longer than the 5-year lease we will initially purchase.

At the $5,000,000 level, the island becomes self-sustaining. When vampires were a thriving species, they often lived a short ways from small villages, so that is our final stretch goal: with the extra money we will be able to build a small village, thereby completing the replication of the vampires’ natural habitat. Area governments are eager to help us find volunteers to populate the village.

Risks and Challenges

This is an ambitious effort and even if we make the minimum requirement, it’s possible we could fail. The vampires themselves could die en route to the island; they are constantly being hunted. Once upon their island, they could refuse to mate, thereby damning their race to extinction. We cannot control this.

What we can control are proper living arrangements: dusty, cool mansions with depressing furniture and artwork, tall walls, and plentiful food. If we meet our stretch goals, we hope to complete the replication of a full vampire habitat. This could actually make the community a sustaining one for the vampires.

We are hoping that all these things—plus the positive feedback from visiting scientists and sympathetic tourists—will encourage the vampires to perpetuate their race so that these wondrous creatures won’t suffer the same fate as the dodo.

• • • •

FAQ

Where is the reserve? You can tell me!

We are keeping this under wraps for the moment; we are worried about vampire hunters sabotaging our reserve before we get started. We can assure you it’s near the Arctic Circle, though.

A country really agreed to lease a whole island for only $1mil?

Yes, they did! It took some convincing, but after a private meeting with our endangered subjects they did eventually become quite passionate about the idea, even dropping the price of the lease to an amazing deal!

Where will the vampires’ food come from?

We are working on a system for this. We have placed a few modest proposals with some local governments to provide the food our vampires need. They seem enthusiastic to offload the unwanted food.

• • • •

Pledge $5 or more

56 backers

SERVANT. An appreciation email with an update of our current projects.

Pledge $10 or more

68 backers

JUST TURNED. A postcard with the Sanguine Reserve’s logo, signed by all four vampire subjects!

Pledge $25 or more

10 backers

DECADES OLD. A unique Thoreau Conservation Society bumper sticker stating that you were instrumental in bringing back the vampires. Imagine the attention you will get on the highway! (In addition to the above rewards.)

Pledge $50 or more

8 backers

BELA LUGOSI. A physical package of scenic photos of our reserve. (In addition to the above rewards.)

Pledge $150 or more

37 backers

DRACULA. A professionally made unique Thoreau Conservation Society shirt, similar to the bumper sticker. (In addition to the above rewards.)

Pledge $250 or more

427 backers

ANGEL. Visit the Sanguine Reserve for a night and take a guided tour to get a look up close and personal at the vampires! Perfect for the family! (In addition to the above rewards.)

Pledge $10,000 or more

52 backers LIMITED (0 of 52 left)

MASTER. At the $10,000 level, you or a friend will be welcome to come and stay a night with the vampires in their mansion! Witness these beautiful nocturnal creatures in their native habitat, watch them commune, eat, and brood. You may buy more than one invitation, and scheduled visits will be made throughout the year. (In addition to the above rewards.)

Note 1. Not open to hemophiliacs, sufferers of hemochromatosis, or anyone with other blood diseases. The vampires are very sensitive and can be affected by a handful of human ailments. We apologize for any perceived prejudice.

Note 2. We know you mean no harm to our endangered subjects, but all visitors will be searched to make sure they are not wearing silver jewelry, or have just eaten any garlic-heavy meals. Christians are of course welcome, but please leave symbols of your faith at home.

• • • •

Comments

AbrahamVH1356 on May 5, 2014

You are completely mad to think that this will work. Vampires don’t procreate like animals, and giving them a safe place to live will only allow them to bide their time until you make a mistake.

Creator BillieJoWarn on May 6, 2014

Thanks for your feedback! We have studied vampires extensively and are sure that they procreate like all other animals.

PromQueen on May 6, 2014

I’ll be busy raising money to buy this “vacation” for me and my guardian. I totally can’t wait! Can we spend $20,000 for two people to spend one night with the vampires?

Creator BillieJoWarn on May 8, 2014

That’s so great, we’ll be eager to have you! And yes, we can accommodate up to four visitors at a time!

Sue¼Knight on May 6, 2014

I love this idea, and would love to live among the Sad Ones. How can we move to the village if it gets funded? More importantly, will it have electricity so I can bring my ‘80’s goth albums?

Creator BillieJoWarn on May 8, 2014

That will be in the hands of the local government who owns the island, but they have some ideas on who to send. If we get funded, contact me directly and I can tell you who to get in touch with.

AbrahamVH1356 on May 9, 2014

And the food? What do you plan to bring in, steaks?

Creator BillieJoWarn on May 9, 2014

If that’s what it takes, yes. I think the preservation of a species is worth some filets, don’t you?

AbrahamVH1356 on May 10, 2014

Filets? Are you freaking kidding me???

SitzBath on May 12, 2014

Cut it out with the Thorough comments. I read him in high school. Their gay.

Creator BillieJoWarn on May 12, 2014

“When it’s time to die, let us not discover that we have never lived.” ~Henry David Thoreau

JPMacDaddy on May 13, 2014

Have you been hypnotized or something? Are you really that stupid to think vampires are helpless little bunnies?

Creator BillieJoWarn on May 14, 2014

I don’t think feeling the desire to protect any endangered species is stupid. And as for me being hypnotized, that’s a myth brought about by vampire hunters. That’s what the vampires tell me when I visit them.

• • • •

Update #1 • May 10, 2014

Funded Already!

We are completely amazed and gratified that the Master level of rewards has sold so many so quickly! So many people want to visit (or send a friend to visit) our protected species! We will get back to you when the campaign is complete so that we can get your information.

We have added another level of MASTER—we filled our first year with visitors, but more people are still clamoring for visits, so we are selling MASTER level rewards for the second and third years of operation, 2017 and 2018. If demand is there, we will extend the offer to the two remaining years we are guaranteed to be supporting these wondrous beings.

Update #2 • May 15, 2014

Goal Clarification

We are delighted that so many people have pledged at the highest level! But please note: This Kickstarter is to FUND this island paradise for our endangered species. We aren’t entirely sure why the Thoreau Conservation Society headquarters has already received a crate containing three unconscious people, complete with a check for $30,000. Painted on the outside of the crate was GOOD RIDDANCE. We are confused, and sending these poor souls home. Wait until we get the reserve built, and then you (or a friend) can visit and marvel at what YOU helped build!

Update #3 • May 21, 2014

All is Going According to Plan

The plans proceed, and we have even reached enough funding to accelerate the building process. In addition to the Kickstarter funds, grants and donations are pouring in from all of the venture capitalists and philanthropists who are interested in seeing our fine beasts. Everyone who meets our subjects just falls in love with them, and we’re hoping to open the reserve to worldwide visitors.

It’s all happening so fast!

NOSFERATU, BRUTUS?

Scott Sigler

New York Times bestselling novelist Scott Sigler is the author of the Infected trilogy (Infected, Contagious, and Pandemic), Ancestor, and Nocturnal, hardcover thrillers from Crown Publishing; and the co-founder of Empty Set Entertainment, which publishes his Galactic Football League series (The Rookie, The Starter, The All-Pro, and The MVP). Before he was published, Scott built a large online following by giving away his self-recorded audiobooks as free, serialized podcasts. His loyal fans, who named themselves “Junkies,” have downloaded over eight million individual episodes of his stories and interact daily with Scott and each other in the social media space.

Teenage Vamplague™

by Nosferatu

Funding Unsuccessful. This project reached the deadline without achieving its funding goal on October 31.

13,996
backers

$1,507,078
pledged of $2,000,000

Pedophiliac sparkly vamps must die, and you can help kill them! Unleash the “Teenage Vamplague” and take out these young punks forever.

Project Goals

Sparkly vampires. Smoochy-face vampires. Vampires that feel so deeply, and love so much. Two-hundred-year-old vampires that look like a teenager and use that appearance to mack on sixteen-year-old girls, because that vampire is totally a pedophile. Vampires that run detective agencies, that are ad execs, that hang out in bars and date fairies, that are roomies with werewolves, that attend “academies,” that try oh-so-hard to be “human,” vampires that actually choose to go to high school—you hate them, and so do I.

So, let’s kill them all.

Who am I you ask? My name is Nosferatu. I’ve been around a long time. I’ve had so much wood jammed into my chest you might as well call me Pinocchio. I’ve drunk my way across the world, slaughtered innocents, eaten babies, hypnotized honeys, and killed men just to watch them die. Do I sparkle? Hell no, the sun melts me like a death ray aimed at a popsicle. I sleep all day, party all night. I’ve got henchmen and guard dogs and sexy undead bitches kicking about my lair wearing damn next to nothing. Give me a pimp chalice and I’d be the whitest rap mogul this side of Vanilla Ice. I’m an original vampire, dammit, and this O.V. has had enough of the foppish metrosexual romance strain that is ruining my kind’s good name.

My plan is two-fold.

First, we’ll crowdsource some flash-mobbing that can eliminate most of these whiny creatures. (Yes, I’m centuries, old, but I read TechDirt and I know the social media lingo, people—friend me up.) What the hell happened to our world? When I was a young vamp, there were mobs of angry townsfolk with torches and pitchforks marching on gothic castles all around the globe. Now? Everyone is too damn busy pirating Game of Thrones episodes to bother with wiping out creatures of the night. My genius is to activate those mobs and generate funds while doing it. Smart, right?

Second, I will pour that money into research for a virus that only attacks undead creatures who are forever paused at twenty-years-old or less. This virus will spread via kissing, neck biting, or being a creepy-ass stalker that watches underage girls sleep. That’s right, my Teenage Vamplague™ (already trademarked, eat your heart out, Microsoft) will spread like wildfire through the permanently beautiful people and turn them into blackened mush. All vamps over twenty will be spared. (At least, I think they will be spared. I’m pretty sure, anyway. But screw it—totally worth the risk.)

• • • •

Pledge $100 or more

10,814 backers

A FAIRLY QUICK DEATH. Let’s be honest here—if this is all the scratch you can cough up, you’re prey. You are the churlish street urchins my kind has fed on for centuries. No one will miss you. Give what you can and I’ll take you out quickly, as opposed to stalking you through the streets as you scream your head off and, curiously, no one comes out of their houses to help you. Since you looked at this site, I’ve already got your IP address—sorry, next time try anonymous browsing mode (I’m down with my NSA peeps, which I’m sure is no real surprise to you). If you want to live to see the sun rise, I suggest you beg, borrow, or steal enough cash to bump yourself up to the next level.

Pledge $250 or more

3,127 backers

YOU GET TO LIVE. Not a bad deal, amirite? Cough up the dough and I’ll leave your house be. However, if you win this reward and you hear someone out in the street screaming their head off and asking for help? Just stay inside. Don’t get involved and everything will be fine.

Pledge $1,000 or more

53 backers

THE HOME ADDRESS OF A METROSEXUAL VAMP. We acquired the Ambercrombie & Fitch catalog mailing list, so we know where these jokers live. For $1,000, we will send you the following kit:

- One wooden stake

- The home address of a Metrovamp

- That vampire’s school schedule (best to kill them after biology class, as that’s when they seem to be the most distracted)

- One container Axe Body Spray, so you smell like one of their own

- A $100 gift certificate to Hot Topic (if your target is more goth and less cool-kid, camouflage is important)

- A book of poetry (pretend to read it and look very despondent—that draws them in like flies)

Pledge $10,000 or more

1 backer LIMITED (9 left of 10)

DINNER WITH ME, AND A LIL’ IMMORTALITY. If you are really terrified of becoming a Metrovamp that whines about feelings all the damn time (and let’s be honest, who ove the age of 20 isn’t petrified of this living hell), there’s really only one guaranteed way to avoid it. Bible study? Nope. Deserted island? If only it was that easy. Attending the premier of Vampire Academy so you know you’ll be completely alone for at least two hours? We all wish it was that easy. The only way to be sure is to get turned by a real vamp, a.k.a., Big Poppa Puncture Wound (that would be me).

Cough up ten large and I’ll treat you to a candelabra-lit dinner at my place, followed by a little wine and some serious necking (see what I did there?). You’ll get my long claws, my pasty white skin, my bulging eyes and that lovely hunched back and shrugged shoulders that are all the rage in Paris.

Once turned, you will be forever protected against the sparkle scourge.

Pledge $100,000 or more

1 backer LIMITED (2 left of 3)

DETENTION HALL OF DOOM. Killing just one of these mop-haired miscreants isn’t enough? How about an entire high school’s worth? According to modern movies, every high school in America (public or private academies) averages 5.25 vampires per 100 students. That’s a lot of conflicted emotions, coming-of-age lust, and mournful glances cast across the science lab. Pony up a hundred grand, and we’ll have the teachers at these schools send all of the vamps to detention. You and your townsfolk show up and massacre them. What could be easier?* This reward includes all of the goodies in “The Home Address of A Metrosexual Vamp” reward, as well as the following:

- 100 torches

- 100 stakes

- 50 pitchforks

- 25 scythes

- 25 wooden clubs

- 10 Bibles (printed in Korean, we got a good price on an over-printing, so just wave them around for effect)

- A Nosferatu-branded Beats Pill™ (Thanks, Dré!) and a Nosferatu-branded iPod loaded with Wagner’s “Ride of the Valkyries” for your listening pleasure as your mob of angry townsfolk advance on the detention hall.

- 1 horse-drawn cart full of hay for a nice background prop (horse not included)

- Limited-edition “Nosferatu is my O.V.” t-shirt (designed by Banksy).

Pledge $500,000 or more

0 backers LIMITED (1 left of 1)

THE CYD ATHENS MEMORIAL ZOMBIE BONFIRE. Poor Cyd Athens. That reward level just above? Heroic Cyd was a young educator who tried to make that happen at a private school in Connecticut. Gathering the vamps in big detention hall was her idea. Unfortunately, she was a little shy on wooden stakes, pitchforks, and angry villagers. Needless to say, it didn’t go well for her, and now she’s all sparkly, wearing too much eye makeup, and sporting the latest haute couture.

We can’t find Cyd (when we do, we’ll de-sparkle her and put her out of her misery), but we have the next best thing: a hundred zombies in a pit! Why zombies, you ask? Well, if there’s one thing we’re completely overrun with more than vamps, it’s zombs. Goddamn things are everywhere these days. I’m sick of it, you’re sick of it, so let’s light them up.

This level is for the Ted Nugent-types among us, offering plenty of firepower in a “whack ‘em and stack ‘em” free-for-all suitable for any NRAer that’s always wanted to open up on a moving target with full auto, but isn’t that crazy about the idea of doing twenty-to-life in Rykers.

- 100 zombies to demolish as you please

- Tripod-mounted .50-cal with unlimited ammo

- Sniper rifle with 100 rounds

- Atchison automatic shotgun

- .44 Automag with two additional magazines (for those who feel lucky)

- Full body armor (size “L” only)

- Machete

- Fire ax

- One case of Old Milwaukee beer

- Corpse–piling service (you’re a killer, not a day laborer, amiright?)

- Molotov cocktail

- Nosferatu-branded Zippo™

Pledge $1,000,000 or more

0 backers LIMITED (1 left of 1)

MURDER EDWARD, BELLA, & THEIR MONSTER BABY. Happy little nuclear family, right? Wrong! They are still blood-sucking vamps, but the kind you’d like to invite over for a combo early dinner / playdate with your toddler. Don’t be fooled. Lestat may have cracked the seal on glam-vamps, but Edward and Bella shook up that champagne and sprayed it all over the damn locker room. Now the vampires that completely changed the face of our kind are breeding. I know where they live, thanks to their baby shower registry at Target. For a cool million, you get all of the stuff from “The Home Address of A Metrosexual Vamp” tier, and everything from the “Detention Hall of Doom” tier. Simply add in some townsfolk from burgs all over the Pacific Northwest, and commence to staking!

* Nosferatu, Kickstarter, their parent companies, employees and or dependents are not responsible for the death, maiming, permanent injury, or conversion to undead of any townsfolk involved in the Detention Hall of Doom reward.

UPDATES

Vylar Kaftan and Shannon Prickett

Vylar Kaftan is a Nebula Award-winning writer of short stories who’s appeared in magazines such as Lightspeed and Asimov’s. She founded FOGcon, a science fiction and fantasy con in the Bay Area. Her creative avatar is Pinkie Pie.

Shannon Prickett is a huge fan of Kickstarter, despite having now waited 2.5 years for a promised reward for backing a particular project. He also likes cake.

They both play a lot of Ingress. Viva la Resistance! You can find them on Twitter at @Vylar_Kaftan and @bindr. He's funnier.

Updates, the Kickstarter Like No Other

by Shylar Praftan and Vannon Kickett

Funded! This project was successfully funded on Mar 2.

98,816

Backers

$6,532,250

Pledged of $5,000

0
seconds to go

Waiting to hear about other Kickstarters? Back Updates . . . and get your updates!

What is Updates, the Kickstarter Like No Other?

Many Kickstarters take your money and go silent. They all promise to build amazing things if you'll just give them money. But once you pledge, they vanish without any updates.

We promise we will never do that. We'll keep you updated at every stage. In fact, that's all we'll do! We won't waste time with design, prototype, logistics, assembly, packaging, or shipping. We'll just tell you stuff every week. Lots of stuff! Never again will you wonder, "What did that Kickstarter do with my money? Why haven't I heard from them in months?"

But here’s our guarantee: That won’t happen with us. We'll take good care of you.

• • • •

Pledge $5 or more

42,983 backers

RECEIPT BACKER. We'll confirm your purchase. Yep. There you go. In addition to that lovely receipt (which technically counts as an update), you'll see free updates online just like everyone else.

Pledge $10 or more

24,176 backers

DOUBLE CHECK BACKER. All rewards of RECEIPT BACKER tier—then a long span of silence, followed by a frantic incomplete update intended for someone else.

Pledge $50 or more

30,002 backers

SINCERE BACKER. All rewards of DOUBLE CHECK BACKER, plus we'll apologize in the extremely unlikely event that we do not update you. We will be sorry. We will be so sorry. You will feel our sorrow after the regrettable delays (due to factors beyond our control or anticipation). Our sorrow will be deep and compelling.

Pledge $100 or more

699 backers

APOLOGETIC BACKER. All rewards of SINCERE BACKER tier, with a bonus excuse. It will be good. It will be laminated. Possibly notarized by one or more of our parents, if we hit our stretch goals.

Pledge $500 or more

210 backers

INFORMED BACKER. We'll update you on the progress and status of other interesting Kickstarters. We won't actually know anything, but whatever. We'll happily update you, our valued backer.

Pledge $1000 or more

37 backers

PRYING BACKER. We will email you every day about how things are going. We won't have anything to say, but we will update you. Daily. With words. Some will show off our grasp of language and fondness for wordplay, others will be morose meditations on the frailty of life.

Pledge $5000 or more

8 backers

LOOK AT ME BACKER. We'll call you via a video chat system and provide you with updates on our lives, at all times. At all times. Calls will be made whenever we want, but we know you're a supportive backer. You'll adjust.

• • • •

Comments

Andrew Crawford on Feb 2, 2014

Wow, this is great! I always know what's going on with you guys. You're so much more responsive than those Kickstarters that actually do things. Thanks!

• • • •

Apology Stretch Goals

If we reach $20,000, we will offer apologies handwritten on linen paper, delivered to any world address. We will apologize for every update we should have made, but didn't. Lamination is optional.

If we reach $40,000, our parents will love and support us and scribble postscripts on any updates we send to you. They have glitter pens.

If we reach $60,000, your moments of distress and doubt will be registered on our elaborate globe-spanning emotion-meters. A fulfilling update will be conveyed to you through freshly created space-time fissures.

If we reach $100,000, you will be imbued with updates by the Archangel Gabriel himself, patron saint of communications workers, messengers, and Kickstarter updates. His shining hand shall anoint information upon you. You will possibly star in an anime. Also, we will apologize to you.

We will update you on whether we make the apology stretch goals. Free!

• • • •

FAQ

What am I buying?

Nothing! But we'll keep you completely updated on where things stand. Often.

How do I know that you'll actually give me the updates you're promising?

Our famous friends will vouch that we're doing this, with no evidence that we actually have.

Do I have to pay sales tax on this?

No, the good news is you're not actually obtaining anything! It's just information, and information is duty-free.

Will you update me internationally?

Yes, si, oui, etc!

Is there any possibility that you won't update me according to schedule?

Sadly, yes. Updating is a risky and expensive proposition and sometimes accidents happen. But we have every confidence that with enough public support, we can complete this project to everyone's satisfaction. If not, we'll apologize in a manner appropriate to your support tier.

Isn't this a lot like your project from two years ago, Give Us All Your Money?

No, of course not! That project was a bust in that some of you didn't give us your money. We're hoping you've learned your lesson and will pledge accordingly this time. Please ignore the hypnotic spiraly thing we've placed on your screen. It's just art.

• • • •

Update #1 • Feb 1, 2014

Update #1

Wow, we've never seen a 12 minute backing surge like this before! It's amazing how word is spreading. Many of you are as excited to be updated as we are to update you. So consider this a taste of what's to come! Right now, we're sitting here, flipping between our email and this site and giggling excitedly at how well things are going.

Don't forget to tweet about us to all your followers. It's more fun when you update with a friend!

Update #2 • Feb 1, 2014

Update #2

Holy cow, can you believe it? It was just EIGHTEEN FREAKING MINUTES ago that this Kickstarter went live—and we're already receiving messages from excited people, asking many questions. We're sure that we've whetted your appetite for updates—and really, explanations. It's been a delightful eighteen minutes and we're just getting started. In fact, we're almost fully funded!

With this in mind, we've posted some FAQs and responses, so check those out for explanations of some of the trickier bits of this project. We're talking about adding another stretch goal.

What do you think? Is there some way we could keep you more aware of what we're doing? SMS? Twitter? Snapchat? Send us a message using the button over to the right and if you increase your pledge $5, we'll answer you right away!

Update #3 • Feb 2, 2014

Update #3

Look, an update! Doesn't that feel great? Pledge now!

• • • •

Comments

John Murphy on Aug 30, 2014

Hey, why have you guys gone silent for six months? Where are my updates?

YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE

Sylvia Spruck Wrigley

Sylvia Spruck Wrigley writes about aviation and science fiction (but never both at the same time). She splits her time between South Wales and the Costa del Sol, two coastal regions with almost nothing in common. She’s been nominated for a Nebula Award for her short story “Alive, Alive Oh,” which appeared in Lightspeed in 2013. You can find out more about her at intrigue.co.uk.

Project YOLO

by zGen Mining Operations

Funded! This project was successfully funded on Jan 31.

9,747

Backers

$52,406,660

Pledged of $750,000

0
seconds to go

This is your chance to experience the ultimate adventure. Join us on asteroid X635s and discover the future. You only live once.

Project Goals

Our goal: to convert a large cargo shuttle for passenger transport to asteroid X635s. And to put you on it.

Yes, we’re serious. We are zGen Mining Operations and this isn’t some pipe dream; we’re already supplying transport between Earth and X635s. Project YOLO is simply an extension of our current abilities. We have facilities in Miami and a dedicated team ready to hit the ground running. Our goal is only $750,000, which will allow us to reverse our P2F conversion program already in place to complete this project. We own a Boeing 979-4 Freighter, a long-range spacecraft which we estimate would carry 3,500 supporters to the stars. Most importantly of all, we are dedicated to changing the investment paradigm by including our supporters directly in the project.

Think You’re Hardcore?

Living off-world requires strong minds, brute strength and passion. We want the best to join us in space. Will you be one?

Visit the Stars

Travel via the latest cargo shuttle technology. Experience life on an asteroid. Sleep on NASA-designed bunks forged from residue metal from the mines. Survive one of the toughest day-to-day regimens you can imagine. See Earth from a new perspective: all your troubles just a pin-prick of light in the distance. See our distant sun rise over rocky vistas that your friends and family will never experience.

For the Good of Humanity

Not only will your pledge get you a ticket to the stars, but you will also help to fund better conditions on the asteroids and more efficient mining. And you’ll get the chance to prove that you can make it in some of the toughest conditions known to man.

Do You Live For the Moment?

We only want the best. Will you take this once-in-a-lifetime chance to test your stamina and mental grit?

For just $5,000, you are guaranteed transport and six months of rations. (Update: based on heavy demand, we’ve added additional pledges for creature comforts that you just can’t live without.)

Forge a New You!

This is no time for half-measures. You will need to have a strong mind, brute strength, and true passion to survive. By funding the cargo shuttle conversion and the travel to asteroid X635s at the outer reaches of our solar system, you can guarantee you will be on it! Simply pledge at Blast Off level or above to experience a whole new world!

Make Your Friends Turn Green With Envy

Your package will include admission for three to the launch. Bring your friends and family to see the incredible rocket launch into space—with you in it! There will also be photographers on site to commemorate the occasion, selling portrait posters, t-shirts and 24”x20” canvas prints with a solid wood frame.

We Love Gym Bunnies!

Are you fit? Are you a member of a gym? If you can lift your own body weight and keep up on the treadmill, we’ll offer you 25% off! That’s right! You can pledge only $3,750 and still get a seat on the cargo shuttle and experience the trip of a lifetime.

Total Kickstarter Fund Required: $750,000
zGen are putting up the bulk of the funding needed. Only 150 seats need to be pledged, for you to get this phenomenal chance to see space for yourself and experience life on an asteroid.

YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE

Nothing on Earth can prepare you for the experience of living in space. Don’t just dream it, do it.

Risks and Challenges

None. The mining operation already exists and is already turning a profit. There’s literally no way that we can lose.

Your reservation is guaranteed. We’ll ensure that you are able to take part in this trip of a lifetime.

LEGAL SMALL PRINT

All purchases are final. If this Kickstarter drive is successful, all rewards are 100% guaranteed to be claimed.

• • • •

Video Transcript

FADE IN:

A black star-filled sky. Motivational quotes crawl past:

The secret of getting ahead is getting started.

Be your own inspiration.

Challenge yourself.

The question isn’t can you, but will you?

You Only Live Once!

The stars rush past as a familiar voice kicks in: “Space, the final frontier. Your mission: to explore strange new worlds. To boldly go where no man has gone before.”

An asteroid belt comes into view and soon the view looks like a space-based video game, the camera diving and dodging through hundreds of spinning rocks, until we see one large asteroid in the distance with tiny lights on it. The camera swivels toward it. On the surface of a large crater, domed habitats dot the arid surface.

A group of young people in EVO suits are smiling and using jackhammers. One of them pauses and waves before continuing with her drilling.

The music swells and the voice-over kicks in again. “Welcome to X635s. A human colony on the edge of space. These are people who live in the future.”

[Small print scrolls across the bottom of the screen stating that this is a simulation filmed on Earth to show an approximation of life on the asteroid colony.]

The music softens.

VOICEOVER: Put your money where your mouth is and fund us on Kickstarter today.

FADE TO BLACK

• • • •

Pledge $20 or more

93 backers

Every little bit helps! This pledge allows you to subscribe to the updates and discuss X635s on the comments page.

Pledge $50 or more

6 backers

Special edition t-shirt: “My friends rocketed to outer space and all I got was a stupid t-shirt!” For the people used to getting left behind.

Pledge $500 or more

9 backers

If you know someone who has signed up at the partial downpayment level, you can help them get to space by adding this pledge. Be sure to have their Kickstarter email address so that you can link your donation to your friend’s account.

Pledge $1,500 or more

364 backers

PARTIAL DOWNPAYMENT. Is this all you can afford? Tell your friends about the $500 support-a-friend deal and if just seven friends chip in, you can still get into space! If you don’t have enough friends to make the minimum, we’ll send you a consolation gift.

Pledge $5,000 or more

7,056 backers

BLAST OFF! The big ticket! We’ll pick you up the day before and bring you to the Launchpad in Miami. No need to pack—there’s no space in the transport—but you will be provided everything you need upon your arrival at X635s. You are going to be a lean, mean, adventuring machine, so don’t even think about packing your teddy bear and scented powders.

Pledge $6,000 or more

1,209 backers

FIRST CLASS! There are no window seats, but you can upgrade your travel on the converted shuttle to first class seats, with extra leg-room, a fold-down table, proximity to the toilets, and a seat cushion. Experience the thrill of 0G without your bottom going numb.

Pledge $7,000 or more

523 backers

CREATURE COMFORTS. Travel in the first-class seats and get special treatment on X635s! You’ll get a FREE blanket and a mattress for your bunk as well as a full set of luxury toiletries (toothbrush, tooth powder, shampoo and a small pack of tissues) upon your arrival.

Pledge $10,000 or more

100 backers

KEEP IN TOUCH! All of the above comfort items as well as one-time access to the comm-link to send a message home. Note: delivery cannot be guaranteed.

Pledge $12,000 or more

382 backers

DISTANT SUNSHINE. Protect your tan by signing up for an above-ground role on Mining Colony X635s.

Pledge $15,000 or more

5 backers

EASY LIFE. We’ll make sure you get the opportunity to apply for an administrative job on Mining Colony X635s. All of the adventure with none of the back strain!

Pledge $20,000 or more

0 backers

NOT SURE ABOUT ALL THIS? Hedge your bets with a Round-Trip Ticket.

• • • •

Comments
swagles on Dec 31, 2030

This is seriously stupid. I mean, who would fund this?

MyLittlePony777 on Jan 1, 2031

SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY!

Ladyboner on Jan 1, 2031

Oh wow I can’t wait to go to outer space!

Bassusa on Jan 1, 2031

Don’t pay extra for first class! Your bottom wouldn’t go numb cause of the floating.

whymewhy on Jan 2, 2031

Y’all know this is a penal colony, right? I mean, why would you pay someone to take you there?

kittencanthandleit on Jan 2, 2031

YOLO!

Mspsycho on Jan 3, 2031

Blankets are only $5.99 at Target, this is a total rip-off. We should be able to bring our own.

bones98 on Jan 15, 2031

My girlfriend has signed up for this. How do I make sure that she can’t back out?

Bamalam on Jan 15, 2031

This is crazy, they are now at over 1000% of their funding goals.

pikachu438 on Jan 16, 2031

I hate it how some people always have to leave comments putting Kickstarters down. You don’t like it? Don’t fund it. It’s as easy as that.

kirsty1996 on Jan 20, 2031

Are add-ons possible? What if I want to take my cat?

Ginger on Jan 27, 2031

You guys, you are signing up to work in the mines.

antiginger2 on Jan 27, 2031

Your an idiot!

waxycat on Jan 31, 2031

CONGRATS ON FUNDING! Can’t wait to see your stretch goals!

dudewithatruck on Jan 31, 2031

I’m from Kentucky. My grandfather and my great grandfather and probably my great-great grandfather even worked in the mines before moving to the US. I can’t tell you how excited I am about this. It’ll be like tasting a tiny bit of my heritage.

notyourvicar on Feb 2, 2031

I’m from Newcastle. My father was a coal miner. I think you might have a somewhat romantic impression of the whole thing. I wouldn’t go on this if my life depended on it. I’m interested in the stretch goals, though.

h0m3r on May 29, 2031

Wondering: Is there wifi there? Can I bring my tablet?

• • • •

FAQ

How long does it take to get there?

In 2015, NASA’s New Horizons blazed the trail and arrived after nine years’ travel. But as a result of Boeing’s breakthroughs in propulsion system velocity and fuel economy, interplanetary travel is about to become much more convenient. Using the latest technology, your trip to asteroid X635s will take only 36 months!

How do I break it to my family?

You don’t need to tell them a thing! You can be long-gone, starting a new life at the frontier, before they even notice that you’re missing. However, we’re happy to pass the message for you. Add $100 to your pledge to include a postcard sent to the address of your choice. We’ll post it from Miami the day after launch.

Is this a scam? How do I know you’ll really take me?

Look at it this way, if you don’t pledge, you’ll never know. Life doesn’t come with guarantees. But yes, we absolutely swear that we will get you on the converted shuttle. Pledge today and we’ll double your money back if we don’t.

Are there vegetarian options on X635s?

Yes! We have a canteen on site which offers a great variety of grain-based soups and porridges. Also, water. This is a great chance to flush your system of all the impurities and get healthy. There will also be vitamin injections available which you can purchase to keep your strength and fitness levels peaked.

Is this legal?

If you are of age and able to take part in a contract, your signature is binding.

Who are you? How do I know you can pull this off?

zGen Mining Operations started as a public agency providing off-world penal colonies subsidised by the US government. The project was privatised in 2027 following the cocoa crisis budget reforms in 2024. Asteroid X635s is now a privately-run mining operation. It’s currently the residence of 2,378 full-time workers in the space station along with a further 8,439 employees working in the mines themselves. Colony P3 is a large operation with facilities for at least double the current population.

Seriously? You think people will pay you to work on a penal colony?

Not only do we think they will, we know they will!

Why are you doing this?

We think that it’s terrible that the penal colonies were set up at tax-payer costs to reward people who have committed crimes. We have created this crazy project to make sure everyone gets the opportunity of traveling to the stars.

• • • •

Stretch Goals

Maybe this adventure isn’t for you, but you’d like to make sure it happens.

Every little bit helps! Rocket fuel is expensive! If you want to live in a world where people with too much disposable income can get blasted into space, then help us make our stretch goals!

$1,000,000! Shiny

If we reach $1,000,000, we’ll include a FREE bar of soap for every full-paying pledge (BLAST OFF or above).

$5,000,000! Send a friend

We’ll add a new reward tier to allow you to sign up someone else. If you have the cash, we’ll handle the pick-up and transport.

• • • •

Update #1 • Jan 1, 2031

We did it!!

Fully funded after just one day! Over a two hundred people have supported our Kickstarter already. Everyone here at zGen wants to say a big THANK YOU to each and every one of you. You really do dare to dream!

Update #2 • Jan 15, 2031

You asked for it, you got it!

We had originally limited the number of participants but that doesn’t seem fair. So we’ve opened up the pledges and are ready to go for broke! We’re now funding the conversion of a heavy-lift multi-level cargo ship. The wall-to-wall seating will allow us to take 10,000 passengers!

Update #3 • Jan 21, 2031

A message for the press

You may have seen the recent headlines. Don’t believe a word of it. The campaign is going like the blazes and we’ve already determined the launch window for maximum efficiency. The bad press has actually resulted in more support and more pledges. We don’t know why the mainstream press want to spread rumors; however to show there’s no hard feelings, we’ve decided to add a special offer. If you are a staff member of Associated Press, Reuters, BBC, Murdoch Media, CBS, Al-Jazeera, BBC, or even Fox News (who’ve been quite supportive overall), we’ll knock 50% off the price! That’s right, we’ll subsidize your ticket, which means that you can BLAST OFF for the super-low pledge of $2,500. How’s that for a deal you can’t refuse?

Update #4 • Jan 31, 2031

Fully funded

We did it! Our funding project is officially the second largest Kickstarter ever, finishing with over $50,000,000 in funds.

Update #5 • Apr 1, 2031

Get packing!

We have a date! June 26, 2031 is the official launch of the converted cargo shuttle Folsom to the far reaches of our solar system.

The launch party is pegged to be the social event of the season and will covered by all the major media outlets. Discovery Channel are filming a documentary of the passengers and the launch.

Update #6 • Jun 27, 2031

We did it!

Despite the media predictions, the converted shuttle Folsom successfully launched from the Kennedy Space Center on Thursday. The shuttle was filled almost to capacity with Kickstarter funders. An amazing 9,275 passengers were airlifted aboard the Folsom and are now en-route to the asteroid mines.

Almost everyone accepted the half-price blanket/mattress upgrade offered at the launch ceremony. Only seven participants turned down the offer and one of those had the upgrade purchased secretly for him by his mother.

Update #7 • May 1, 2031

Important Update on the fate of the Folsom

Contact with Folsom was lost at 120,000 kilometers past the moon. An official enquiry was started immediately; however the zGen facilities at Miami and London were discovered to have been abandoned. The directors, and of course the profit, have disappeared.

Amnesty International have announced that they will mount an expedition to asteroid X635s. The British Spacefarers Charity, which supports near-Earth rescue missions, have set up a Kickstarter to discover the fate of the Folsom. If you would like to support the campaign, please see http://kck.st/rescue for more information.

—Admin

MECHANICAL ANIMALS

Brooke Bolander

Brooke Bolander is a chaos-sowing trickster girl of indeterminate employment, half-tornado, half-writer. Originally from the deepest, darkest regions of the southern US, she attended the University of Leicester from 2004 to 2007 studying History and Archaeology and is a graduate of the 2011 Clarion Writers’ Workshop at UCSD. Her work has previously been featured in Lightspeed, Nightmare, Strange Horizons, Reflection’s Edge, and the Prime Books anthology Aliens: Recent Encounters.

The Synthetic Vertebrata Uplink Project

by Dr. Leslie Reyes

Funded! This project was successfully funded on Jun 29.

13,484
backers

$5,039,830
pledged of $5,000,000.00

0
seconds to go

Using state-of-the-art advances in neural uplink technology and biologically-based cybernetic vessel structure, this project will try to place a human consciousness where it has truly never gone before—into the body of an animal.

Project Goal

When I was six, my grandmother led me into the woods and showed me my future.

( . . . Okay, so maybe it wasn't quite that dramatic. It always helps to have a killer opening hook though, right?)

She was an autodidact of the pine forests, my gran, and she knew more about the wild and wooly critters of our back forty than most wildlife biologists with prestigious four-year degrees. We packed sandwiches (sugar and butter on white bread), cheese (c/o the government), and a thermos of coffee almost as tall as I was (hers). The sun was still in bed with the quilts pulled over her head when we slipped out of the trailer, just like every other right-thinking soul on that foggy January morning. Nothing stirring but cats, and ghost children playing on the rusty swing-set out back.

I remember wondering why she didn't bring a flashlight, when the woods were so black and foreboding. I also remember that my toes were cold, my nose runny, and my attitude absolute shit. 5 AM is the end of the known world for a six-year old.  Anything between midnight and 7 AM is silence and void; you might as well ask Schrodinger's Cat how the inside of that box is decorated.

Maybe she navigated by echolocation, or maybe she just had excellent night vision. Whatever her trick was, we did not get lost, wander into a slough, or become people-chow for rabid skunks, although we did smell a couple. Gran knew exactly where she was headed, and she didn't waver from her path until we got there, through briar and brush and what would become Grade-A Primo Tick-and-Snake Territory come April.

I have a pitch and a point and I am getting to them, I swear. Hang in there just a little further, guys.

For us, “there” turned out to be a post oak with an abandoned deer stand cobbled together in its branches. We scrabbled up, seated ourselves inside the blind, and waited, for what I didn't know. My gran knew, but she wasn't telling.

I fidgeted and hummed and shuffled so much it's a wonder it showed up at all. But it did, eventually, slipping in with the gunmetal light and the twittering of groggy birds. She didn't say a word, Gran. She just pointed, and I saw what there was to see.

According to most folks both professional and old-timer, panthers had vanished from our part of the world at least a hundred years earlier. Anyone who claimed otherwise was either touched-in-the-head-and-bless-their-hearts, or needed a new lens prescription, pronto. And yet there it was, moving through the mist like the memory of a thing, soundless and velvet-footed in the way that all cats are.

Watching that beautiful hunter pad by—a thing that, by all accounts, shouldn't have been but was, regardless of what humans believed—I had an epiphany, or the closest thing to an epiphany a six-year old could experience. This silent observation was what I had been made for. To study the private lives of the beasts, interfering as little as possible, watching with my breath fishboned in my throat—it was the only thing worth doing in the whole wide world.

As I said at the start, my fate was decided.

Since that pre-dawn moment almost twenty-five years ago, I've come a long way. I worked hard in school, earned a scholarship, attended the University of Florida, and received a degree in Wildlife Biology with a focus on Wildlife Conservation and Management. I got my PhD (only losing 90% of my sanity in the process), wrote a book, traveled the world from pole to pole. It has been a wild and fascinating ride, and if I thanked everyone whose help has gotten me to this stage, you'd either die of old age or boredom. My field is packed with passionate, talented, wonderful individuals.

But I feel like we could be doing more—so much more—and that's where my pitch comes in.

Recent advancements in both robotics and the field of uploading human consciousnesses into artificial bodies have made it possible to observe wildlife up close and completely undetected in ways unimaginable twenty or thirty years ago. One of the unfortunate truths of wildlife studies is that much of the time you are either watching all the action through a remote camera or interfering in their lives, however subtly. Your very humanness betrays you.

What if you could shed that imperfect human shell, as easily as slipping off a bulky winter coat? What if you could temporarily become an animal, walk among them, run with the legs of a stag or fly with the wings of a crane? How long have people dreamed of such things?

What if I told you it could happen tomorrow?

My knowledge of wildlife behavior and biology is unparalleled. Together with my partner in molecular robotics, Dr. Jay Butcher, we will build an artificial mammalian body, upload my consciousness into it, and study the lives of animals beneath their very snouts. All I am in need of is funding, time, and did I mention the funding? $5,000,000 may seem like a fabulous sum at first glance, but for what we're attempting to do, it is (as my Gran would say) coffee can money buried under the bois d'arc.

• • • •

Pledge $10 or more

10,508 Backers

AUTOGRAPHED ARTWORK. You will receive a rather lovely piece of autographed wildlife art from my good friend Sara Bowlen. Bowlen's paintings have been hailed “hallucinatory,” “grotesque,” and “alien messages from the world's wild places,” which tells you how cool her work is. Anything that divisive is worth looking into, right?

Pledge $30 or more

525 Backers

ONE-YEAR SUBSCRIPTION TO NATURAL WORLD. One-year subscription to Natural World, the award-winning wildlife journal. Pretty self-explanatory.

Pledge $100 or more

825 Backers

SIGNED COPY OF MY BOOK. I will send you a signed copy of my coffee table book, Form, Function, and the Art Of Vulpine Musculature, with photography by Seth Pallman. The folks at Arroyo Press did an amazing job with this thing. Impress your friends! Make your enemies jealous, or hit them over the head with it; it's a big damn book.

Pledge $500 or more

1,575 Backers

SIGNED COPY OF DR. BUTCHER'S BOOK. Yes, this is that book, the one you read about in GQ and all the other glossies. It grows hair. It has eyes. And it can be yours, for the low, low contribution of $500.00.

Pledge $1,000 or more

49 Backers

SIGNED MAQUETTE. We will send you one of the maquettes used in designing early prototypes of the robo-molecular animal bodies. We won't tell you what type you'll be getting; Dr. Butcher and I will choose one at our discretion. Aren't surprises fun?

Pledge $100,000 or more

0 Backers

A DAY IN THE LAB. Spend a day observing Dr. Butcher and I as we work on a lab-grown robo-molecular animal body. Coordinates of the lab will be sent to you once the project is fully funded.

Pledge $500,000 or more

0 Backers

ROBOT BODY. Dr. Butcher and I will design for you the animal body of your choosing. It will not have the neural upload capabilities, of course, but the bodies in of themselves are beautiful, priceless works of art. Why have a bearskin rug when you can have an imitation bear instead?

Pledge $4,000,000 or more

1 Backer

A DAY IN THE FIELD. You will spend a day with me in the field, uploaded into the animal body of your choosing. It will probably be a controlled environment. This should not dissuade you, as the chance to uplink into another form is (if it needs saying) a once-in-a-lifetime experience.

• • • •

Comments

FurRealsKin69 on Mar 15, 2018
could this eventually be marketed for use outside the scientific community? Body modification? Like, LITERAL body modification?! OMFG

TheNobodySpecial on Mar 20, 2018

Super-excited about the possibilities. We've witnessed some incredible leaps in neural uploading transfer technology recently, but I'm pretty sure most of those tests were done using android (ie humanoid) bodies. Combining that with the boom in cloning lab-grown biological matter? Revolutionary idea. I'm surprised nobody's attempted this already.

Also being a wolf for a day would be fuckin' sweet.

Neighbour of the Beast on Mar 20, 2018

What the hell makes you think some random animal showing up in their territory bein' all HAY GUYS WHAT'S UP wouldn't interefere in their lives, dumbass? Any time you observe them, you're gonna be changing the outcome. End of story. If anything you have just come up with a way to somehow be MORE invasive than a remote camera or some douchebag in a jeep.

JMTNT on Apr 2, 2018

Intriguing proposition. Like the first commenter, I'm interested in the ramifications for this technology outside the field of wildlife studies (although maybe not for the same reasons). Why on Earth would we stop there? Could this extend and enhance the quality of people's lives, much like the recent android boom?

At any rate, I'm interested to see where this project goes. Consider my donation in the proverbial mail.

RunWulfWarrior on Oct 15, 2018
hott

• • • •

Update #1 • Apr 2, 2018

FAQ

You've got questions, I've got answers. Sort of.

Could this be used outside the field of wildlife studies? Well, obviously. So many of the technologies that currently shape our lives started out that way, after all. Entire communities could take to the skies as birds, gigantic mumurations of transferred souls coiling and uncoiling like sentient smoke. Undersea exploration would be changed forever. And yes, if you played your cards right, it's possible that you could prolong your life indefinitely. Very possible.

Exciting, but for the purposes of this initial experiment, we're sticking to the field of wildlife studies. If all goes well, I can't see why it wouldn't expand to other areas, eventually. For now, though, let's not put the wagon before the synthetic horse.

Update #2 • Jun 12, 2018

Moving Swiftly Along

Wow. Three months in and we're already at $300,000! I am not quite sure how we're going to get all those rewards out if you all somehow manage to fund this thing, but worrying don't get nothin' done that hoping couldn't do just as easily, as my Gran likes to say. I think our decision to stretch this campaign out past the usual length of time for such things is already paying dividends.

Update #3 • Jun 15, 2018

Funded!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mother of God. Pocketbook of God. Some anonymous gazillionare philanthropist just matched our funding goal and then passed it by several thousand dollars. I'm speechless. I'm in tears. I am, rather surprisingly, completely and 100% sober.

Thank you. Every single person who contributed a dime, every soul who encouraged Dr. Butcher and I to start this drive, every teacher in my underfunded, backwater school who worked crappy hours for low pay just so I could get here.

People still believe in science. If nothing else proves it, look at our numbers.

Update #4 • Oct 20, 2018

The Fun Stuff

Sorry for the delay, everybody. I know a lot of you are really eager to hear what's going on with the project, but Gran's been ill and family comes first.

We finally made a decision on which animal to go with for the prototypes! Unsurprisingly to anybody who knows me, it's our old friend P. concolor, otherwise known as the North American puma. Dr. Butcher wanted something a bit smaller—a house cat, maybe, or an otter—but after several loud, spirited debates and one highly scientific coin flip, fate made the clear choice obvious.

This is where things get real. Stem cell grafting, robo-skeletal construction, the whole shebang. Growth vats are prepped and ready to go in less than a week. I am so glad to have this project occupying my time right now. Exciting stuff.

Update #5 • Nov 5, 2018

The Things You'll Always Remember

Have you ever held a vat-grown puma heart in your hands? Holy shit.

Update #6 • Jan 3, 2019

Nearing The Finish Line!

It has a titanium internal structure, a “brain” that looks like a nest of wires and gears tried to get nasty with a hard drive, most of its organs, and all of its musculature. All we're waiting on now is the skin, which is, y'know, pretty important.

I don't mean to sound flippant. I'm really not being flippant. It's just hard to not feel a little giddy when you're finishing construction on one of the most important scientific experiments since Ben Franklin decided to go fly a kite. Thank you all so much for giving us this chance. We couldn't have done it without your support.

Once the skin and fur are out of the vats, we should begin trial uplink runs. Maybe in a month or so? Fingers crossed.

Update #7 • Feb 1, 2019

Delay

Dr. Butcher here, temporarily taking over the keyboard for Dr. Reyes. Leslie's grandmother is in the hospital, which means that once again we're running into an unfortunate and unavoidable delay in the project timeline.

Construction on the cybernetic P. concolor body was completed a week ago. We had planned on moving ahead with the first neural upload immediately, pending finding a suitable test subject, but then the emergency with Dr. Reyes' grandmother occurred. Grateful thanks for your continued patience. —JB

Update #8 • Mar 30, 2019

[no title]

They say updating while drunk isn't a good idea, but I'm apparntly not the greatest at good decision-making these days, as Dr. Butcher would inevitably tell you if he hadn't stormed out of the lab 2 hours ago mad as I've ever seen him. I cn type coherently and spell “inevitably” correctly on half a flask of scotch though, which should probably count for something.

Shit. I meant undoubtedly.

the project. The project has been on temporary hiatus, so there's not much to talk about on that front. However, we've got a test subject lined up and will be ready to rock and roll very very very soon, once one or two kinks are iorned out & arguments settled.

As said before, I am slightly inebriated. I am slightly inebriated (I just spelled inebriated right, twice) and more than slightly maudlin and it smells like a hospital in here and I want to tell all of you strangers who don't give a shit all about my Gran.

She could do the Lindy, the Foxtrot, the Jitterbug, and the Robot. She could whistle on a grass blade, gut a squirrl, coax a crawdad from its riverbank, and use an arc welder as well as any man born. She had boyfriends, girlfriends, and a tattoo of a panther across her left bicep. She was the seventh daughter of a drunk who beat his wife Saturday nights and pulled on church clothes Sunday mornings. She dipped snuff and kept a copy of Emily Post's Etiquette on her nightstand, next to the trashy romance novels and Reader's Digests.

When she was 11 she tracked a stray cur that had killed one of her family's goats seven miles home to its owner. They offered her a pair of shoes as recompense, but she told them, best as an 11-year old girl could, to go fuck themselves. She collected the cash they owed her pa, wished them all a Merry Christmas, and walked back home as barefoot as she had come.

She could use a rabbit's entrails to tell your future. She said one day I would leave our shithole town and dingy doublewide behind to do great things, and I believed her. I always believed her.

Update #9 • Apr 02, 2019

Completion

It's done. A test subject has successfully been uploaded to the synthetic P. concolor.

Subject was lucid, alert, and answered questions about her past history correctly when queried post-uploading. (Do you know your name? Age? Flick your ear twice if you remember who I am. Raise your right front paw if you remember the skeevy carnival in the Winn-Dixie parking lot you took me to when I was seven. Swish your tail three times if you remember bathing my sister and I in the kitchen sink when we were babies, the way the sun poured through the open window, the smell of Ivory soap.) She seemed quite comfortable in the P. concolor body, controlling it as if she had been born feline. No instability in the limbs. No mental confusion. No convulsions or incontinence or struggling for breath. All in all, a perfect neural transfer.

Dr. Butcher, if you happen to be reading this: Eat shit, darling.

I released the subject into the field just before sunup, at an undisclosed, heavily wooded location. Unfortunately, this may mean the end of the project, or at least my allowed involvement with it. She was equipped with no tracking device.

I apologize for any delays this fit of pique may cause, both with you all receiving your rewards and the forward movement of the research itself.  Don't worry, though; all the rewards will be honored as swiftly as time and resources allow. Dr. Butcher will see to that, if I'm otherwise indisposed.

The forest where I released her is a protected one, particularly dense and rich with game; the odds of finding any creature that doesn't want to be found in it, especially one of the puma persuasion, are practically nil.

Swallowed up by the mist nose-to-tail-tip, like a Polaroid snapshot developing in reverse. One long last look, and then she was gone.

KISMET™

Daniel H. Wilson

Daniel H. Wilson is a New York Times bestselling author. He has written eight books, including the bestselling Robopocalypse and its sequel Robogenesis, as well as other titles including Amped, How to Survive A Robot Uprising, and A Boy and His Bot. He is also co-editor, with John Joseph Adams, of the anthology Robot Uprisings. He earned a PhD in robotics from Carnegie Mellon University, where he also received master’s degrees in robotics and artificial intelligence. He lives and writes in Portland, Oregon. Find him on Twitter @danielwilsonPDX.

KISMET™

by Friends of the Future

Funded! This project was successfully funded on August 7.

357,216
backers

$17,900,000,000
pledged of $15,000,000,000

0
seconds to go

The KISMET™ device from LIFE! corporation will streamline your day-to-day decision making and transform you into a better version of yourself!

Project Goals

KISMET™ is a revolutionary new product that will leverage the billions of dollars of research and development that the LIFE! corporation has already invested into general artificial intelligence, mobile localization, environment mapping, speech and face recognition, emotion shaping, social profiling, and targeted life-vertizing™. Our ultimate goal is nothing less than the complete reinvention of the modern economy by managing and streamlining the complex purchasing decisions that cause human beings so much strife and anxiety.

Our goal is to MAXIMIZE HAPPINESS, and you can help!

The KISMET™ mobile platform is your assistant, your teacher, and your best friend. Worn like a contact lens, this always-on device will stream a constant flow of sensory data (including sights and sounds) to our cloud-based servers. With this stream of seemingly mundane information, our massive processors will extract valuable information about the patterns and decisions in your life, cross-checking the data against millions of other users, and providing you with optimal answers to the thousands of niggling questions that trouble your day. Questions like:

- What should I buy?

- Can I really afford that?

- Would it impress my friends?

- How much better would my life be if I owned a boat?

- Do these jeans really make my butt look as good as I’m thinking they do?

There is no doubt that KISMET™ is going to optimize your life . . . but only if you are willing to lend your unconditional support to creating the future of your dreams!

About Us

Ten years ago, our company made the bold decision to change its name from [redacted]. We felt that our former moniker no longer reflected the company’s total commitment to improving the lives of every person, in every place, at every moment. Indeed, our technological innovations had transcended antiquated notions of business, government, and religion. Our corporate mission had evolved beyond simply providing a service in exchange for money, to a point where we were seeking to interact with consumers in all aspects of their lives.

But the question remained: What could we call ourselves? Well, it turned out there was only one name that we could honestly call ourselves . . .

LIFE!
Incorporated!

LIFE! Incorporated isn’t asking for much – just your complete loyalty and faithfulness to a daring new product, nay, friend, who will carefully guide your purchasing behaviors in order to transform you from a wildly inconsistent and flawed person into a stylishly dressed, connected, brand-informed, and potentially boat-owning member of a new Utopian capitalist society.

Please allow us to share with you exactly how we plan to do it . . .

KISMET™ Hardware

From its perch on your eye, KISMET™ can sense your environment and deliver spoken advice or information via a bone conductive speaker – whether you are choosing between tour guides on a trip up Mt. Kilimanjaro or picking between kebabs in a parking lot full of food carts.

Mobile. Advanced miniaturization techniques allow our sensor package and communications equipment to be embedded on a silicone hydrogel contact lens (wearable for up to a month without cleaning). Blinking your eyes will produce kinetic energy that charges a regenerative power supply, so rest assured that you will never, ever be left alone.

Aware. Utilizing advances in the simultaneous localization and mapping (SLAM) algorithms designed for the mobile robotics industry, the local KISMET™ hardware will build highly-accurate three dimensional models of your environment, indoors or outdoors, even as it catalogues every product that you interact with.

Connected. They say that the rising tide lifts all ships and KISMET™ is proof. By leveraging data collected by millions of other users, our cloud-based servers will constantly improve operational accuracy by cross-checking answers over the entire user population. Multiple perspectives create unique solution opportunities (e.g., yes, your butt does look great in those jeans). For the first time in history, the altruistic efforts of millions of human beings will truly be put to glorious use.

Integrated. Using an advanced bone conductive speaker, KISMET™ is capable of communicating to you using your own sinus cavity as a speaker. Test users describe the sound as almost indistinguishable from their own thoughts.

KISMET™ Services

After a training period of approximately one week, KISMET™ will begin to offer a dazzling array of services. The following short descriptions form a partial list that demonstrates our commitment to removing all uncertainty from your life while propelling you to success in the areas of work, relationships, health, and lifestyle.

Work. Nobody is more invested in your successful career (and paycheck) than your personal KISMET™ device. To maximize your potential earnings, KISMET™ will act as a personal assistant to ensure you conform to work schedules and will helpfully inform management personnel of any lapses on your part.

Relationships. Why leave a decision as important as who you will spend your life with to chance? KISMET™ has the data resources to arrange a coupling that will ensure a lifetime of happy memories and double your level of disposable income, based on your own financial priorities and sexual orientation. If children are in your future, then allow KISMET™ to simulate your genetic coupling to pre-identify optimal brand names for all your baby-related purchases.

Health. By paying meticulous attention to the subtle rhythms of the human body, KISMET™ can ensure that your diet, exercise, and risk-based activities are tailored to maintain maximum longevity coupled with high purchasing power.

Lifestyle. Whether you are a high-octane adventure seeker or prefer a cup of tea and a cozy corner, KISMET™ can manage your day-to-day entertainment consumption. Allow your best friend to choose what you binge watch on television over the weekend, or which videos you stream to your phone while ascending the ski lift. With KISMET™, you will never waste a moment pointing your eyes at something dull!

Bank Account Integration. Adoption of KISMET™ into your finances is seamless and irreversible. Our Siphon Link™ program will partner directly with your bank and investment accounts to make your resources immediately available to KISMET™ and its subsidiaries.

Worst-case Scenario. We’ve thought of everything! In the unlikely event that you become separated from your KISMET™ device, the Life-Link Service Disruption Emergency Kit™ will step in immediately to guide you to a local store branch. And if your device is completely non-functional, another nearby KISMET™ user will be emergency dispatched to assist you in getting back online and ready to purchase a replacement as soon as possible.

• • • •

Our reward tiers are customized to represent the unique ideology of the LIFE! corporation and its subsidiaries. We are not interested in your dollars, but in your commitment to a brilliant new future!

It’s the future, are you all in?™

Tier 0 – Free!

0 backers

You have our sincere thanks for reading this crowdfunding proposal and seriously considering our offer. And, you have our sincere condolences that you have chosen to exclude yourself from a new society of happy, modern people. When KISMET™ comes to market, we know that you will purchase and enjoy our product. Unfortunately, your once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to become an architect of the new world is passing by. Worse yet, this record now exists to prove that you had the chance to join the vanguard of a new world and instead you chose a Tier 0 contribution. As the years go by and your significant others and children watch the meteoric rise of the Tier 1 contributors, we can only hope that your family’s growing resentment and anger can be curbed by KISMET™ Counseling Select™ services.

Tier 1 – Net Worth 100%, Assets 100%, plus All Future Earnings*

357,216 backers

As a true visionary, you are leaping into the future with a group of the bravest, most forward-looking human beings in the history of our species. By committing your net worth, as well as current and future assets, you have put yourself into the capable hands of the LIFE! corporation. Congratulations! You have shown the courage to give in utterly to KISMET™ – it’s time to stop worrying and let go!

*After an asset sales period, LIFE! will provide corporate living arrangements, board, and medical care. By carefully following the helpful advice of your KISMET™ device, you will preserve and maximize your purchasing power over the long term.

• • • •

Risks and Challenges

Obviously, the LIFE! corporation is worth hundreds of billions of dollars and can easily afford to fund this project without the negligible financial support offered by your net worth and future earnings. This crowdfunding venture has in fact been created so that LIFE! can ask contributors for a demonstration of their unwavering, fanatical commitment to our cause of whole spectrum life improvement.

Without an international bootstrapping effort that captures at least ten percent of the world population, our efforts at total domination could result in partial domination. Any resulting split in market share with potential competitors would be an unconscionable disservice to our loyal customers. We encourage you to commit to our cause immediately and totally, before the marketplace can become diluted by competing products and services.

If our loyal customers can prove to LIFE! Incorporated that they are not only willing to buy this revolutionary new product, but to pay for its creation, development, and deployment . . . only then will we know that the world truly deserves KISMET™. So please, contribute now, and surrender to the future.

Trust us, it’s KISMET™!

BRING ABOUT THE HALLOWEEN ETERNAL!!!

Seanan McGuire

Seanan McGuire is an avowed Halloween Girl, and was among the first to back this project, thus proving that she knows what side of the patch to plant her pumpkins in. She is also the author of a great many books, and a frequent guest at Disney’s Haunted Mansion, where she hopes to one day take up permanent residence. Stranger things have happened. Keep up with her at www.seananmcguire.com.

BRING ABOUT THE HALLOWEEN ETERNAL!!!

by Lily Emerson

Funded! This project was successfully funded on Sep 30.

13,131

Backers

$313,131

Pledged of $200,000

0
seconds to go

Restore Halloween to its rightful glory, and prove that ours is the most sincere holiday!

Project Description

Do you love Halloween? Who doesn’t! Costumes and candy, the sweet smell of autumn leaves and burning pumpkin flesh . . . Halloween is the holiday for everyone. You’re never too old to love that one perfect night, when every stranger’s door is open to you, and every face you see bears a monster’s beautiful scowl.

Sadly, Halloween is under assault. The last several years have seen the forces of Christmas conducting a little-remarked but merciless war upon the other holidays. A shopping season which once began after the Thanksgiving Day Parade—and not a second sooner—now starts gathering steam before the Back to School supplies are off the shelves. This past year, the Halloween merchandise was cleared from stores before October 15th! Yes! The hated folly of the holly jolly Christmas army has been gaining ground. It seems inevitable that all other holidays will be chased from the calendar, resulting in an unending Yuletide season. A failure to back this project is as good as backing the conquest of Santa and his elves: through inaction, you will fund their winter wonderland, and you will deserve every peppermint horror that is visited upon your trembling, frostbitten form.

Unless.

The stars are in alignment, and the forces of the autumntide have been gathered for one last push against the encroaching winter. We have uncovered the ritual that will embody the spirit of Halloween in a properly prepared vessel, allowing our Lord to walk the Earth on terrible scarecrow feet, to look upon the sky with a terrible pumpkin grin, and most importantly, to freeze the passage of time and spread the embrace of a sweet October night across the globe, plunging us into the depths of the Halloween eternal. (Note that this ritual is being performed in a climate where freezing temperatures on Halloween are perishingly unlikely; it may be chilly, but no one’s going to die of exposure if they just keep their costumes on. Which will be easy, once the transformation of the populace begins. You’d need a flensing knife to take them off.)

Please be aware as you donate that the forces of Christmas are running their own, competing campaign, aimed at preventing us from bringing the glory of the corn and the candle and the freely-flowing candy to the people of the world. WE NOT ONLY NEED TO MAKE OUR GOAL—WE NEED TO BEAT THEM. We need to destroy them. We need to show that TRUE generosity isn’t about cheap wrapping paper and teenagers dressed like elves and shitty presents from your Aunt Jill that you’re just going to re-gift ANYWAY. True generosity is about free candy from strangers, sometimes with bonus razorblades (and those are expensive!). It’s about the freedom to be anybody you want to be for a night—and it’s about extending that night from here into eternity.

We are asking for $200,000 to save the best night the world has ever known. That’s a lot from one person, but Halloween has always been a pioneer of crowdfunding, filling pillowcases with candy one piece at a time. All we need is for the population of a city to each donate the cost of a candy bar. Given the numbers of people who fill the streets every Halloween night, this is a small request.

Halloween has one last chance to take back what was rightfully ours from the beginning. Help us. Help us bring about the Halloween that never ends.

• • • •

Pledge $1 or more

547 backers

TRICK. Your name will be recorded in the great book, to be read aloud in the center of the corn maze during the apparition of our Lord. Your fate will be decided by His will, and His will alone.

Pledge $5 or more

223 backers

TREAT. Your name will be recorded in the great book, and will not be read aloud in the hearing of our Lord, who is not always good at distinguishing the contents of His pillowcase, if you know what I mean.

Pledge $10 or more

311 backers

DELUXE TRICK. Sponsor yourself at the Treat level, and a friend, loved one, or enemy at the Trick level! It’s a gamble—you never know who will have already been foolish enough to choose “Trick” of their own accord—but either way, you’ll know that YOU’RE safe. Unless someone put your name on this reward level. Uh-oh . . .

Pledge $25 or more

191 backers

DELUXE TREAT. . . . better get a better reward tier. At the Deluxe Treat level, not only do you get to sponsor someone at the Trick level, but you are AUTOMATICALLY IMMUNE from being listed in the part of the book we read aloud. Choosing this reward tier will remove you from the Trick level, even if someone else put you there. It’s the only way to be sure.

Pledge $50 or more

103 backers

FUN-SIZE CANDY BAR. You have joined the ranks of the faithful! Directions to our slammin’ opening night party at the center of the chosen corn maze will be sent to you via coded message. It will be carried by the crows. Do not fear them; they can smell the sincerity of your belief. Join us to bring about the autumn unending. Only half the faithful will be sacrificed to water His roots, chosen by lottery from all who are present. Your odds are way better than the unfaithful’s odds, we promise.

Pledge $100 or more

31 backers

FULL-SIZE CANDY BAR. Everything at the $50 tier, plus a genuine woven corn-husk mask in your choice of small, medium, large, extra-large, and mutated by the coming glory of our ripening Lord.

Pledge $500 or more

79 backers

HALLOWEEN PARTY! Everything at the $100 tier, plus a place among the small number of the faithful whose names will not be entered in the lottery for the sacrificial watering.

Pledge $1,000 or more

47 backers

MONSTER MASH. We will allow you to select one from among the unfaithful to either sacrifice or save, at your own whim. Those who have pledged at the Halloween Party level are ineligible for sacrifice. The ringleader of Christmas, Holly Emerson, is ineligible for salvation. Her blood will feed the corn. Her blood will feed the corn, and IT WILL BE GLORIOUS.

Pledge $10,000 or more

13 backers

QUALITY COSTUMER. Everything at the $500 level, plus we will let you choose the costumes to be worn by your friends and loved ones at the time of the ascension. These costumes will determine their true forms in the glorious unending night that lies ahead of us. This is your opportunity to protect your family from the transformative powers of the candle and the corn—or to condemn your enemies to an eternity as sexy nurses. The choice is yours.

Pledge $25,000 or more

7 backers

FULL PILLOWCASE. Everything at all lower reward levels, plus a place among the inner circle, whose names are not entered in the lottery, whose faces shall be remade by the rising of our Lord, to eternally bear the pumpkin grins of the true chosen of Halloween. All shall look upon you ever more and know you as the chosen servant of their terrible, incarnate God.

• • • •

Risks and Challenges

Obviously, because of our competition with Christmas and those bastards who want to freeze the world eternally in the name of their jolly god, we cannot promise that this ritual will succeed. But we can definitely promise that we’re going to give it everything that we’ve got. Blood, sweat, tears, and whatever other bodily fluids we can extract from our backers will flow like apple cider through the veins of our Lord, and He will rise, skeletal and pumpkin-headed, against the late harvest moon. Then He will join in merciless battle with whatever those jerks from Christmas have managed to summon, and the strongest season will conquer. (Don’t worry about the spring and summer holidays, they lost this battle long ago.)

We’re confident that we will be able to pull off the summons with only minimal manpower, once the land has been acquired and the corn maze has been brought to bloody, terrible maturity. It is you, and all those who donate their lives to this cause, who will make the difference between success and failure. It takes more than a single pumpkin to make a patch.

• • • •

Comments

Susan Clemens on Sep 29, 2013

So close!!!!!

Peter McClure on Sep 13, 2013

I love Halloween. Pitched in at the Trick level ha ha. Let’s see what you do to me!

Jill Seale on Sep 12, 2013

Sounds legit to me.

Tim Moore on Sep 10, 2013

The T&C don’t say anything about summoning an undying god of harvest. I checked. Bring on the eternal Halloween!!

Daniel Brighton on Sep 9, 2013

Is anyone else bothered by the part where this is basically “give us money so we can summon a demon and let it kill everybody”? Doesn’t that violate the T&C somehow?

Creator Lily Emerson on Sep 4, 2013

Go fuck yourself TWICE.

Holly Emerson on Sep 3, 2013

Careful, little sister. You don’t want someone reporting your project for abuse, now do you? This could all be settled by the click of a button.

Creator Lily Emerson on Sep 2, 2013

Go fuck yourself.

Holly Emerson on Sep 1, 2013

You’re going to lose, Lily. Your holiday is going to fall, and the Christmas eternal will reign over everything.

• • • •

Update #1 • Sep 1, 2013

Breakdown of Costs

If our $200,000 goal is met, the money will be spent as follows:

1. $80,000, securing the land we will be using for the corn maze and associated altar. We have already found the perfect place (undisclosed at this time to prevent THOSE CHRISTMAS ASSHOLES from buying it out from under us for their precious “tree farm”), complete with a crumbling farmhouse in which people have been brutally murdered.

2. $10,000, clearing the land and preparing it for the sowing.

3. $3,000, seed and farm labor, for the sowing.

4. $7,000, livestock purchases, for the blessing of the soil.

5. $50,000, fees and taxes. While we are more than reasonably confident that taxation will no longer be an issue after midnight this coming October 1st, due to the current world paradigm having been crushed beneath the merciless heel of either Halloween or Christmas (HOPEFULLY HALLOWEEN), we still need to budget responsibly.

6. $20,000, backer rewards and mailing costs.

7. $5,000, candy.

8. $10,000, pumpkins, candles, and other essential ritual supplies. We will be growing most of our own pumpkins, using a secondary ritual which will bring them to ripeness almost immediately, but this will not account for the pumpkins necessary to line the driveway, parking area, and other paths, nor for the pumpkins we will be placing on the doorsteps of the chosen.

9. $15,000, Christmas decorations and other paraphernalia that has leaked into the stores during what should be our time of ascendance. By gathering and destroying these false idols, we will be able to start weakening the forces of Christmas even before our Lord rises, ready to do glorious battle.

Update #2 • Sep 10, 2013

HALFWAY THERE!!!!

Wow! We’ve raised half the funds we need in just ten days—and that’s before our Bake Sale proceeds have come in! (All proceeds will be pledged directly to the project through a single donor, to keep things centralized and easily accountable for all of you.) To thank you, we have unlocked three stretch goals. These are:

$225,000—The Big Bonfire. If we reach the $225,000 level before funding ends, we will ALSO read a second, bonus ritual which will ignite a central bonfire in all cities of more than 50,000 people. This fire will burn on your town square or commons, or in the first Starbucks to have opened inside city limits if you no longer have a town square or commons. It will not spread to engulf nearby homes, although it may spread to engulf nearby non-believers. Prayers and offerings thrown into the bonfire will go straight to our Lord, thus saving you the physical inconvenience and risk of traveling to the holy cornfield.

$250,000—The Halloween Carnival. Our carnies are raring to go, and if we reach the $250,000 level, we will be able to pay for equipment repair on Professor Blood’s Carnival of Death and Wonders. These repairs should last long enough for the show to finish a ritual circuit around North America, at which point the equipment will become self-repairing, the carnies will become immortal, and the carnival’s exciting attractions will become a permanent part of our world. Imagine waking every “morning”—a meaningless term when the sun never rises—wondering whether the carnival has come to town, offering excitement, offering enchantment, and asking only blood.

$300,000—The Salvation of Thanksgiving. If, through some miracle, we reach $300,000 before the funding window runs out, we will preserve the surviving armies of Thanksgiving and allow them to adapt their traditions to our new reality. Turkey dinners with cranberry sauce and mashed potato will be allowed to continue, and not required to incorporate any signs of fealty to our Lord, save for corn. Always there will be corn.

$350,000—The Sun Also Rises. We know that some of you are going to miss the sun. If we reach this goal, we will permit the sun to rise once a year, bathing the world in restorative light. We will also provide sunscreen, as most of you will have become pale and easily burnt after a year spent in unending darkness.

Update #3 • Sep 22, 2013

Christmas is Gaining

I hate to bring this up, because you have all been amazing, but CHRISTMAS IS GAINING ON US. We have raised an amazing $280,000 USD, making our initial ritual possible. But if Christmas is able to feed their blood-god on ritual sacrifices before we go into the corn, all may yet be lost. Search your couch cushions. Sweet-talk your neighbors into joining the cause. Do whatever it takes. If everyone backing this project increased their pledges by just a dollar, we would be able to crush those red and white bastards under our heels.

Halloween needs you. Don’t let us down.

Update #4 • Sep 30, 2013

THIS IS HALLOWEEN

We are fully funded!

Preparations are beginning now. At the stroke of midnight on October 31st, look to the skies and see the terrible battle unfold. Halloween will join with Christmas in battle for the world. Thanks to your generosity, our Lord is guaranteed to triumph, and darkness will fall eternally. Even now, we gather the faithful; even now, we scatter candy to lure the unwary; even now, we call upon the children of Thanksgiving, offering them safety in the days to come.

If you are interested in a position with Professor Blood’s Carnival of Death and Wonders, please email professor.blood@death-carnival.org for details about paid and volunteer work. Professor Blood has personally guaranteed that all carnies will survive the ascension.

Trick or treat, my darlings. Look to the sky.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Agents: Thanks to my agent Seth Fishman, who supported this experiment and provided feedback and counsel whenever I needed it, and also to my former agent Joe Monti (now a book editor who I plan to sell lots of anthologies to). Both of them were very enthusiastic about this idea when it first occurred to me, and encouraged me to pursue my idea to crowdfund it.

Cover Art/Design: Thanks to Jason Gurley for the amazing job he did with the cover design and for finding that sweet robot guy as the focal image.

Ebook Consultants: I handled the coding of this ebook myself, so anything weird you see in there is all my fault. But thanks must be given to contributors Jeremiah Tolbert and Tobias S. Buckell who answered a lot of ebook and/or HTML formatting questions for me (as they both have more experience with it than I do), and also sometimes just listened to me complain about how frustrating ebook coding is since it often does not work like it should.

Proofreaders: Thanks to Rachael Jones, Kevin McNeil, and Olga Zelenova. Any typos (or formatting weirdnesses) that made it past them are on me.

Family: Thanks to my wife, Christie, my mom, Marianne, and my sister, Becky, for all their love and support, and their endless enthusiasm for all my new projects. I also wanted to thank my sister-in-law Kate and stepdaughter Grace who have to endure as I blab incessantly about all of my projects, ruining many a dinner.

Readers: Thanks to all the readers and reviewers of this anthology, and also all the readers and reviewers who loved my other anthologies, making it possible for this book to happen in the first place.

Writers: While readers are who we do this for, of course, a huge thanks must also go out to all of the authors who appear in this anthology. You guys make this the best job ever.

Backers: And last, but certainly not least, thank you to our 557 backers. This book would have never happened at all if not for your early and vocal support. THANK YOU SO MUCH! (You can see a list of them on the following page.)

KICKSTARTER BACKERS

We could not have put this issue together without the help and support of our wonderful Kickstarter backers—all 557 of them! One of the secondary Kickstarter rewards allowed backers to add their name to a list of donors that would appear in the anthology. We’re excited to recognize them on the list below. (Note: Because some people did not include a last name, or included a business name, or Twitter handle, we have this sorted by first name.)

@Johnpatrickmcp;

A. Gibson; A.J. Reardon; Aaron H. Bell; Aaron Mcconnell; Abby Drake; Adam Israel & Andrea Redman; Adam Rajski; Adam Rakunas; Adrian Warman; Adric Clifton; Aiyana Bonnichsen; Alan Kroll; Alan Winterrowd; Alex Newman; Alex Von Der Linden; Alex Wilson; Alexander "Xan" Kashev; Amanda Felt; Amelia Winchell; Amir Grozki; Amy C. Fredericks; Amy Houser; Anatoly Belilovsky; Andre Legault; Andrea Cox; Andrei Labin; Andrew "Rogo" Rogerson; Andrew Doucet; Andrew Liptak; Andrew Zimmerman Jones; Andy Kitkowski; Angus Mark; Anna Mcduff; Anne Gray; Anne Petersen; Anonymous Robot; Anthony Downs; Anthony R. Cardno; Anthony R. Evans; Apollo Lemmon; Aram Zucker-Scharff; Arne Jonny Bakkevold; Auroralee; Aynjel Kaye;

B. Mullett; Balázs Oroszlány; Barbara Belmont; Bear Weiter; Beavis; Ben Scott; Ben Siepser; Ben Slinger; Benjamin J.; Bennett Jackson; Bérenger Van Den Brande; Beth Wodzinski; Bethany Sumner; Big Scary Dave; Bill Shields; Bill Simoni; Bill White; Bonnie Jo Stufflebeam; Brandon Campbell; Brannigan Cheney; Brett Beeching; Brian Craig; Brian Ganninger; Brian Santistevan; Brian Thomas; Brian Thomas Clements; Brian White; Brian, Sarah, & Josh Williams; Britton Peele; Bryant Durrell;

C.C. Finlay; Caleb O'Brien; Cam Larios; Cameron Rowe; Cameron Turner; Carlie St. George; Carol Klees-Starks; Carolina Edwards; Caroline-Isabelle Caron; Catherine Braiding; Cedric Jeanneret; Cesium; Chand Svare Ghei; Chocolate Dave; Chris Clark; Chris Dennett; Chris Salter; Christian A. Coleman; Christian Steudtner; Christine Bell; Christopher Corneschi; Christy Shorey; Clare Bohn; Clayton Odel Culwell; Cody Black; Colin Fisher; Colin Mobey; Constance Devan; Coral Moore; Cyd Athens;

D. Taylor-Rodriguez; Dan Rabarts; Dan Thomas; Dana B.; Daniel Brady; Daniel Cochran-Smith; Daniel Franklin; Daniel Monson; Dave Bower; David Bell; David H. Scharf; David K. Mason; David Lucardie; David Mott; David R. Cowdery; David Wohlreich; Dean Baratta; Deanna Stanley; Dense Fog; Derek Guder; Diana Fenves; Diana Paprotny; Doctor Popular; Douglas Johannessen; Drew H.; Dybbuk Klezmer;

E. Bordeaux; Eagle Archambeault; Earnie Sotirokos; Ed Read; Edvardas; Egil Brautaset; Eldritch; Elias F. Combarro; Elsbeth Willis; Emily Smith; Emma Larkins; Emma M; Eric Knapp; Eric Rossing; Erik Johnson; Eugene Leroy; Evan Bassett; Evan Simpson; Ewa S-R;

Fiona Nicholson; Fletcher; Frédéric Fiquet;

G. Hartman; Gabe Regier; Galen Dara; Garret; Gary Swinsburg Jr; Gemma Noon; Geoff Brown; Geoff Dash; Geoff Drake; Geoff Mochau; Geraldine Macci; Giovanni "Mr. Giobblin" Grotto; Glenn W. Butler; Glennis Leblanc; Gord Sellar; Gregory Lincoln; Gregory Mccausland; Gregory P Rheam; Guy Mclimore;

H. Cykana; Hannah Kim; Hans Ranke; Harald Niesche; Harm Otten; Helen Truax; Herbert Eder; Hraban;

Iris Chu;

J.E. Tetzloff; J.J. Irwin; J.M.Beraldo; J.P. Frantz; J.R. Murdock; Jack Vivace; Jacob Wittenberg; Jake Haney; James Carlisle Holder; James Crouch; Jami Nord; Jan Gehrer; Janka Hobbs; Jason Calvert; Jason Daniel Myers; Jason Heitkamper; Jason Ramboz; Jason Sturm; Jay Kominek; Jay Moore; Jaym Gates; Jayne Garrett; Jeanine Carbonaro; Jeff Staple; Jeff Xilon; Jenni Merrifield; Jennifer Middendorf; Jennifer Moser Jurling; Jennifer Pruitt; Jeremy Kear; Jeremy Loscos; Jeremy Melloul; Jeremy Zimmerman; Jesse Reynolds; Jessie Mckenna; Jetse De Vries; Jim Corbett; Jim Kershner; Jjleggo; Joanna L Chaplin; Joanne BB; Joe Monti; Joel Baldwin; Joel Prinster; John Bogart; John C. Costello; John Cooper; John Corey; John Coxon; John Devenny; John Eddy; John Johnson; John Klima; John Ness; John P Carr; John P. Murphy; John Price; John Randecker; John Roberts; John T. Overath; Jona Littler; Jonas Johansson; Jonas Lee; Jonathan Finke; Jonathan H. Liu; Joseph Dicker; Josephine Cuyugan; Josh Leuze; Josh Rountree; Josh Smith; Juan Miguel Expósito; Julia Rios; Julie Frost; Julie Reed; Justin Bell; Justin Lance;

k'Bob42; Kaia Gavere; Karin Wellman; Kat Player; Kate Bond; Kate Kligman; Katharine Stubbs; Kay Schumann; Keith Teklits; Keith West; Kelly Myers; Kelsey Brennan; Kenny N.; Kent Archie; Kevin Block-Schwenk; Kevin Flynn; Kevin Henderson; Kevin Hogan; Kevin J. Maroney; Kevin James Hess; Kevin Loarca; Khyreena; Kim Starkey (Who Is Definitely A Real Person And Totally Not A Thousand Monkeys On A Thousand Typewriters); Kristofer Zarling; Kristy Buzbee; Kwyndig; Kyle "Fiddy" Pinches; Kymberlie R. Mcguire;

L. Fontes; Lainey Rothman; Lara Abel; Lars Holgaard; Laura Burns And John Cmar; Laura K. Anderson; Laura Mcintyre; Laura Miller; Laura&Bill Pearson; Lauren M. Roy; Lee Hallison; Leesa Hanagan; Leon Hendee; Lester Ward; Lia Kawaguchi; Lianne; Lila Sadkin; Lilly Ibelo; Lisa Michele; Lisa Padol And Joshua Kronengold; Lonnie Rivenbark; Louise Kane; Louise Löwenspets; Louise Owen; Lucas K. Law;

M. Huw Evans; Mad Marv; Manuel De Los Reyes; Marc De Vos; Marc Jacobs; María Pilar San Román; Mark Booth; Mark Maibroda; Mark Martinez; Marsha A. Davis; Marshal Latham; Marticus; Martin Cahill; Mary Sue; Mary-Michelle Moore; Mat Rawsthorne; Matt Butler; Matt Hébert; Matt Hurlburt; Matt James; Matt Leitzen; Matt Randall; Matthew Barnette; Matthew Finlayson; Matthew Kressel; Matthew Milstead; Matthias Nagy; Mátyás Medzihradszky; Max Kaehn; Meagen Farrell; Meason Kolkhorst; Megan E. Daggett; Meghan Mckinney; Mel Umbarger; Melissa House; Menachem Cohen; Merav Hoffman; Michael Baker; Michael Bentley; Michael D. Patterson; Michael Duda; Michael E. Reid; Michael Feldhusen; Michael Hanscom; Michael Hicks; Michael Kelly; Michael Küller; Michael Pattemore; Michael Penrow; Michelle Muenzler; Miha Jan; Mihaela Marija Perkovic; Mikko Laitinen; Minerva Zimmerman; Misha Dainiak; Morgan Hay; Mr. D!!;

Naath; Nancy Geffken; Nat Lanza; Natalie Metzger; Nathan Glaesemann; Nathan Marchand; Nayad Monroe; Neb Thims; Neil De Carteret; Nic Vaughan; Nich Weidman; Nicholas Montgomery; Nick Mathewson; Nick Schneble; Nick Suffolk; Nifer Kilakila, Goalvaulting.Com; Nikolaus Luhrs; Nina Niskanen; Noel Coughlan;

Olna Jenn Smith;

P Duggan; P. Bradaric; Pamela Dubyak; Patti Short; Paul Birchenough; Paul Bulmer; Paul Cardullo; Paul Geer; Paul Koerber; Paul Logue; Pavel Zavodny; Penwing; Peter Hansen; Peter Niblett; Peter R. Ellis; Petri Wessman; Phil Bowman; Philip Harris; Phillip Artavia; Pienaru Adrian; Pierre; Pockets 881; Priscila Tchorbadjian;

Ragi Gonçalves; Ralff; Ramez Naam; Remy Nakamura; Renee Wanger; Richard A. Garner; Richard Eyres; Richard Galt; Richard Hurst; Richard Leaver; Rick Galli; Rick Leijssen; Rob Mcmonigal; Rob Sherron; Robert Poulin; Roberta Miller; Robin D. Toll; Robynne Blumë; Rochelle Germano; Roland Heep; Ross Funderburke; Rudi Dornemann; Russ Pedersen; Russel Dalenberg; Ruth Coy; Ruth Stuart; Ryan Leduc; Ryan Tigges; Ryan Weaver;

S.E. Bee; Samuel Erikson; Sandra Wickham; Sara Glassman; Sarah Avampato; Sarah Kirkpatrick; Scott F Couchman; Scott Lambert; Scott Morrison; Scott Sizer; Scwetz; Sean Collins; Sean Harrop; Shane Nixon; Sharon Galey; Shaun Kronenfeld; Shawn Ingram; Shawna Jaquez; Sheryl R. Hayes; Sidsel Nørgaard Pedersen; Simcha Gralla; Simona C. Asaro; Stephanie Cheshire; Stephanie Pereira; Stephanie Wood Franklin; Stephen A. Jarjoura; Stephen Ivy; Steve Arensberg; Steve Davies; Steve Hirst; Steve St. Clair; Steven Mentzel; Steven Saus; Sue B.; Sumnmervillain; Sunil Patel; Swordfire; Sylvia Spruck Wrigley; Syntheticbrain;

T. Ross; Tania Clucas; Tara Teich; Tasha Turner; Tatiana J. Bohush; Taylor Vaughan; Team Kazam; Terrence Wagner; That Nice Lady From Mrsgiggles.Com; The Lawrax; The Menefee Family; Thom Slattery; Thomas Erskine; Thomas Gray; Thomas Werner; Tim Ellis; Tim Hodge; Tim Moore; Tony Fiorentino; Trond Rufsholm; Trun; Tsana Dolichva; Turtlesong; Tyro Vogel;

Unstuck; Usman T. Malik;

Valerie Gillis; Valoise Armstrong; Veronica Belmont; Vinco;

Wade Medley; Warren Goldstuck; William Smith; Wündermuse;

Yaron Davidson; Yong Jia Yaik;

Zed Lopez; Zoombini.

ABOUT THE EDITOR

John Joseph Adams is the series editor of Best American Science Fiction & Fantasy, published by Houghton Mifflin Harcourt. He is also the bestselling editor of many other anthologies, such as The Mad Scientist’s Guide to World Domination, Armored, Brave New Worlds, Wastelands, and The Living Dead. New projects coming out in 2014 and 2015 include: Robot Uprisings, Dead Man’s Hand, Operation Arcana, Press Start to Play, Wastelands 2, and The Apocalypse Triptych: The End is Nigh, The End is Now, and The End Has Come. He has been nominated for eight Hugo Awards and five World Fantasy Awards, and he has been called “the reigning king of the anthology world” by Barnes & Noble. John is also the editor and publisher of the digital magazines Lightspeed and Nightmare, and is a producer for Wired.com’s The Geek’s Guide to the Galaxy podcast. Find him on Twitter @johnjosephadams. To learn more, visit johnjosephadams.com.

COPYRIGHT
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

HELP FUND MY ROBOT ARMY!!! and Other Improbable Crowdfunding Projects
© 2014 by John Joseph Adams

INTRODUCTION, FORMATTING NOTE, DISCLAIMER,
and all other materials included herein not otherwise noted on this page
© 2014 by John Joseph Adams

HELP FUND MY ROBOT ARMY!!!
© 2013 by Keffy R.M. Kehrli.
Originally published in Lightspeed Magazine.
Reprinted by permission of the author.

FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY
© 2014 by Jeremiah Tolbert

ZERO G R&J
© 2014 by Mary Robinette Kowal

A MEMORIAL TO THE PATRIOTS
© 2014 by Jake Kerr

I WANT TO BE A LIONESS
© 2014 by Chuck Wendig

LIBERTY: SEEKING SUPPORT FOR A WRIT OF HABEAS CORPUS FOR A NON-HUMAN BEING
© 2014 by Samuel Peralta

HELP SUMMON THE MOST HOLY FOLDED ONE!
© 2014 by Harry Connolly

FULFILL MY DESTINY—AND SAVE THE WORLD!
© 2014 by Matt Forbeck

LARPING THE APOCALYPSE 2: THE NANO-PLAGUE
© 2014 by Tim Pratt

FUND TAPHOGNOSIS INDUSTRIES
© 2014 by Tobias S. Buckell

CATASSASSINS!
© 2014 by Veronica Belmont

FINDER OF LOST THINGS
© 2014 by Monte Cook

PRIMA NOCTA DETECTIVE AGENCY NEEDS YOU
© 2014 by Genevieve Valentine

SO JUICY TRANSFORMING STRIPS
© 2014 by Matt Williamson

THE SPIRIT OF MARS: FUND A SACRED JOURNEY TO THE RED PLANET
© 2014 by Andrew Penn Romine

FLASHED FORWARD
© 2014 by Bradley Beaulieu

HELP ME FOLLOW MY SISTER INTO THE LAND OF THE DEAD
© 2014 by Carmen Maria Machado

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR
© 2014 by Michael J. Sullivan

A PRACTICAL MECHANISM FOR OVERCOMING THE DIRECTIONALITY OF TEMPORAL FLOW
© 2014 by David D. Levine

LIFE-SIZED ARENA TETRIS!
© 2014 by David Malki !

ZIPPERS
© 2014 by Derek Van Gorder

I USED TO LOVE H.E.R.
© 2014 by Maurice Broaddus

LOCALLY GROWN, ORGANIC
© 2014 by Kat Howard

LET’S KEEP BURT GRIMSBY’S HEAD FROZEN!
© 2014 by Heather Lindsley

JEROME 3.0
© 2014 by Jason Gurley

HELP ME DESTROY CANNES!
© 2014 by Jonathan L. Howard

SAVE THE PHOTOPHOBIC HEMOGLOBIVORES WITH THE SANGUINE RESERVE!
© 2014 by Mur Lafferty

NOSFERATU, BRUTUS?
© 2014 by Empty Set Entertainment

UPDATES
© 2014 by Vylar Kaftan and Shannon Prickett

YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE
© 2014 by Sylvia Spruck Wrigley

MECHANICAL ANIMALS
© 2014 by Brooke Bolander

KISMET™
© 2014 by Daniel H. Wilson

BRING ABOUT THE HALLOWEEN ETERNAL!!!
© 2014 by Seanan McGuire

Cover Design by Jason Gurley

Ebook Design by John Joseph Adams

ALSO EDITED BY
JOHN JOSEPH ADAMS

If you enjoyed this book, you might also enjoy these other anthologies and magazines edited by John Joseph Adams:

- Armored

- Best American Science Fiction & Fantasy [Forthcoming, Oct. 2015]

- Brave New Worlds

- By Blood We Live

- Dead Man’s Hand

- The End is Nigh

- The End is Now [Forthcoming Sep. 2014]

- The End Has Come [Forthcoming Mar. 2015]

- Epic: Legends Of Fantasy

- Federations

- The Improbable Adventures Of Sherlock Holmes

- Lightspeed Magazine

- The Living Dead

- The Living Dead 2

- The Mad Scientist’s Guide To World Domination

- Nightmare Magazine

- Operation Arcana [Forthcoming 2015]

- Other Worlds Than These

- Oz Reimagined

- Press Start to Play [Forthcoming 2015]

- Robot Uprisings

- Seeds of Change

- Under the Moons of Mars

- Wastelands

- Wastelands 2 [Forthcoming 2015]

- The Way Of The Wizard

Visit johnjosephadams.com to learn more about all of the above. Each project also has a mini-site devoted to it specifically, where you’ll find free fiction, interviews, and more.