Date: 2020-09-21 04:00:00+00:00
Keywords: Psychological Thriller; Contemporary; Dark
Description: A dark psychological suspense thriller Hell hath no fury like a MOTHER scorned. From the writer of MInE, Underneath, and Save Her, comes another dark and twisted tale. CARLA Marcus Bull. Unremarkable. Unhinged. Un…stoppable? He made my daughter's life, my life, a living hell and got away with it. Broke the rules and stayed smug, hiding behind his tiny tribe, like he was untouchable. I hate him with a passion. It's the only emotion I have left. Hatred. And while the police said they could do nothing, I realised that I could do something. Because they taught me, indirectly, how to exact my venge

BulLIED

Andie M. Long

Contents

Dear Reader

Prologue

Part I

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Part II

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Part III

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Chapter 23

Chapter 24

Part IV

Chapter 25

Chapter 26

Chapter 27

Part V

Chapter 28

Chapter 29

Chapter 30

Chapter 31

Andie’s Other Books

About the Author

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, with the exception of the use of small quotations in book reviews.

Copyright ©2020 By Andie M. Long

Cover by Tammy Clarke

Formatting by Tammy Clarke

This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance of characters to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Andie M. Long holds exclusive rights to this work. Unauthorized duplication is prohibited.

For the readers who say this is their favourite side of me!

#DarkAndie

Dear Reader

The content within these pages is a dark and disturbing read.

This book is written in British English so ways of spelling may appear unusual if you are reading outside of the U.K.

Also, the U.K. age of consent for sex is sixteen years old, but many teens here take that with a pinch of salt.

Prologue

CARLA

They wondered why towns and cities were becoming lawless.

Well, just attempt to do things the right way. The way of the law.

Like I did.

Go on. Try it. Call the police, report the crime, give the evidence. Give them leads to follow.

All I heard was:

Can’t do that.

Can’t do that.

Can’t do that.

Victims live in fear and the perpetrators laugh.

Like the ones who invaded my life. Dressed like scrotes and chavs, they broke the rules, and laughed and clapped for their own damn selves, smug within their tiny little tribes, thinking they were the kings of the world.

But while the police did nothing, or rather the law prevented them from doing anything of any use, they taught me, indirectly. They were unaware of my processing every single thing they said.

But I did. Every crumb.

And now I would use it.

The victim shall be the victor.

The kings and queens shall lose their crowns.

Well, kind of. I fully intended to place a crown on Marcus Bull’s head.

One made of barbed wire. A modern-day crucifixion.

Wire my heart is wrapped in because I’ve lost any semblance of emotion after burying my only daughter.

Marcus Bull killed her.

Marcus Bull will pay.

They say hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

Ha. Make that woman a mother and hell shall look like a pilot light against a mother’s inferno.

And a mother who no longer has her child? A woman with nothing to lose?

Satan would bow to her.

Part I

1

CARLA

Sometime between 3:30pm and 4pm, I’d hear it. Loud voices and even louder giggles. It would start in the distance, and I’d wonder if they belonged to my flesh and blood. The decibel level would rise as they came closer to the front door. A pause in conversation, a key in the lock. Then the door would slam open, hitting the shoe cupboard. I’d hear shoes being kicked off, their thud echoing on the laminate floor, and the chatter would start up again, although now it wouldn’t hold the secrets of teenage girls, not now they were within my proximity. The shoes would be abandoned in the middle of the floor, nowhere near the shoe cupboard. In fact, nine times out of ten at least one shoe would hit the wall or the skirting board, leaving a dirty smudge on the paintwork I’d later clean off with an anti-bacterial wipe. I’d put the shoes away and tidy up, telling myself that’s what mums were for. That really, you had to pick your battles; especially with teenagers whose moods would sour like milk past its sell-by date for no obvious reason.

I bet you’re wondering why the huge detail? After all, it's just a kid coming home from school, right? But you’ll soon realise, at some point in my tale, that I now mull over every single detail about my daughter. Think of every hair on her head, every cell of her body, every wondrous part of her, even down to the whining and whingeing of a teenager being told no.

Yes, being the mother of a teenage daughter was a daily learning curve. I felt like a method actor. Today, I’d try to be cool; maybe tomorrow witty; the day after I’d lose my temper—not helped by my hormonal mood swings—and tell her she was an ungrateful little shit. Oh yes, I swore at her sometimes. I wouldn’t have believed it, not even two years ago, if you’d told me that my golden girl, my little angel, would turn her mouth up in a sneer at me. Her eyes would fill with pity as if speaking to someone not all there mentally, and she’d have no gratitude whatsoever for the fact that her life was effortless and filled with everything her heart desired.

From her point of view life went from fabulous to fucked if the word, ‘No’, came out of my mouth.

Now where was I? Oh yes, Lena had just come home from school…

The living room door burst open and I looked up from my seat on the sofa. I worked from home as an accountant, loving the fact I didn’t have to speak to barely a soul all day. I found dealing with other people wearing. The older I got, the more I liked my own company most of the time. Apart from Lena’s now rarely given attention, I spent the majority of the evening the same way, either working or watching some mindless crap on the television. Even when I had lived with Lena’s father, Ant, he’d spent most of his evenings working overtime, always some plumbing emergency happening. I didn’t know most of the emergencies revolved around Natalie’s plumbing until he packed his bags, and I didn't mean her central heating. My marriage had been fine until it wasn’t. I’d thought we were okay.

“I’m going out, Mum.”

I stared at Lena. At the eyebrows she’d filled in, so they sat like two slugs on her face. At her pouty lips filled in with the Charlotte Tilbury Pillow Talk lipstick that she’d charmed me for. She was brilliant at that, was Lena. To ask to go shopping, for us to have a girly lunch. She knew that at this age I’d take any time with her I could. Then she’d fleece me for everything she wanted as she tried things on and they looked so good I couldn’t refuse her. Once she’d got what she wanted and I thought about getting myself a little something, she’d say she was tired and could we go home and I’d realise I’d been played. Not with any malevolence. It was just a teenager’s way.

I remembered doing similar things myself with her gran. A gran who passed two years ago now, leaving another gaping hole in my life. Fuck, I really needed to do something, maybe start dating again. Something to patch the leaks in my life before they flooded me and I just became a sole island.

But how did you start a new relationship when the last one left you questioning the entire thing? How did you trust someone new?

I realised I’d been daydreaming when I heard the door bang shut. I didn’t get time to ask her what she was doing for dinner. It was another thing that drove me crazy. She’d flirt with a boy until he bought her a McDonalds, and the dinner I’d made her—the nutritious one a growing woman needed—would end up in the bin. Sighing, I abandoned my computer and padded into the kitchen where I opened a tin of soup.

The thing with being alone was I could lose myself in work. Self-employed hours were long, even longer in my case, and I filled my empty days with more and more work. I needed relatively little and so my earnings mounted up. I had enough Coach handbags to last a lifetime and so I spoiled my daughter. I knew I did, but hey, she had a shithead of a dad and if my worst crime was buying Lena too many designer sweaters, well then lock me up.

The smell of tomato soup sang to my now growling stomach. It was boiling away in the pan and I could hear my ex-husband’s voice in my mind, 'You’re spoiling it and ruining the pan'. Right barrel of laughs he was at times. He had a huge cock but proved he was an even bigger one in personality. Still, I missed that cock sometimes; it did great things. I put the pan straight onto my wooden lap tray and reached into the bread bin, where I released the peg off the wrapper and took out three slices of slightly stale white bread. To be honest, I preferred granary, but Lena would only eat white when she’d eat bread at all. I tore the bread up and put it in the soup just like my mum had done for me when I was little to make it more filling, and then grabbing a spoon I sat myself in front of the television and watched The Haunting of Hill House on Netflix, laughing when it made me jump.

I’d not heard any voices or footsteps, so when the front door banged and Lena yelled out, “Stupid bitch,” I startled, spilling my last mouthful of tomato soup. Placing the tray on the coffee table, I rushed to the door, wiping my mouth and smearing orange sauce down my hands.

Lena stood in the doorway with a split lip. Blood poured down her chin.

For a moment, time stood still while my brain caught up to my vision. My heart thudded in my chest. It felt like it would give out any second. I sensed the blood draining from my face and my hands felt clammy. “What the fuck? Are you okay? Have you been mugged?” My voice was shrill and fast as I ran towards her. She shook my concern away with her hand and headed past me through the hallway, through the living room, the dining room, all the way into the kitchen where she grabbed a piece of kitchen towel, wetting it under the tap and dabbing at her lip.

“Can you please tell me what’s going on?” My mind whirled with concern and my neck and shoulders were tightening. Did I need to phone the police? Was it just her lip? There was a weird smell around her, like burning rubber. I was on sensory overload while my brain tried to put the clues together because she wasn't answering my questions anywhere near quickly enough.

“Chill, Mum.” She finally said, leaning back against the worktop, her face tightening. “I’ve just had enough of Chloe Butcher, that's all. She was in Costa acting all that, swinging her fake extensions around and telling everyone who would listen that I might have a Michael Kors bag and a Reiss coat, but my father was a plumber who liked to show his customers his pipe.” She breathed through her nose audibly.

I’d heard similar before. Chloe Butcher was jealous of Lena. Lena who had naturally long hair, highlighted by the sun. Helped by straighteners, it hung like a halo around her face. Yeah, I was biased, but she was beautiful. There was no doubt in my mind at all. She looked like her grandmother, my mother, who had been a beauty queen back in the day. If it wasn’t for the fact Lena was only five foot four, she’d have been modelling for sure.

I sighed. “But I told you to just ignore her. She’s all talk.”

“Yeah, well, usually I would, but this time she ‘accidentally’ walked past me with a lighter in her hand when I was walking past Costa on my way out with Sophie. She burned the end of my hair, the fucking stupid bitch. So I punched her in the face.”

My eyes widened. My daughter had never even so much as pushed a child in playgroup, never mind punched someone in the face.

“Anyway, she hit me back and then we had a cat fight until Sophie and Tamsin separated us.”

I recognised then what the disgusting smell was hanging in the air. It was my daughter’s burned hair. I turned her so I was looking at the back, where the ends were now uneven.

“Is she for real? What a stupid, silly bitch.” I let go and Lena turned back around to face me. I folded my arms across my chest. “Thank goodness it’s Saturday tomorrow. I’ll ring up first thing in the morning and get you booked in at Tracy’s for a quick trim.”

“She came off worse than me. I think I blacked her eye.”

I sighed. “Is the rest of you okay?”

“I’m fine, Mum. Stop worrying. This has been coming for a long time. She just kept pushing and pushing and I know you always said speak with your words, but, Mum, she wasn’t listening. I had to speak to her in a language she’d understand.”

I nodded my head because I did understand. “Do you have her mum’s number? This has gone beyond a joke now.”

Lena crossed her own arms over her chest mirroring me. “No.” She answered emphatically. "I don’t need you getting involved. I’ve hit her and hopefully that’ll be the end of it now."

God, I bloody hoped so. That girl was a grade A bitch and now Lena had shown her she wasn’t a chickenshit after all, this might just be the end of years of snide comments.

“Was this fight witnessed?”

At that Lena gave me her first smile since she’d walked in. Although she winced as it hurt her lip. “God, yeah, we had a crowd around us, cheering us on. Probably gave half the lads of Berkley Edge a hard on watching us roll around on the floor.”

I shook my head and smirked back at her.

All the time we’d been speaking, her phone had been beeping nonstop. Now our conversation was paused, she stared down at the screen.

“Right, I’m gonna talk to Soph. She stayed behind to make sure Chloe knew to leave me the fuck alone from now on.”

With that she left the kitchen, going back through the house and I heard her feet stomp up the stairs, still in her shoes of course.

Once I heard her bedroom door bang shut, I tiptoed up the stairs until I reached her door and then I hovered there listening to one side of a conversation, trying to work out what was happening. She was definitely on the phone to Sophie. Most of the conversation was just teenage grunts and, ‘Yeah, now she knows I’m not the wimp she accused me of being’, type comments.

There were more beeps as notifications pinged.

And then I heard her say.

“They’ve been outside. She’s taken a photo of the front of my fucking house telling me I need to watch myself or the house gets it.”

I burst through her door, making her jump. My feet had moved before my brain had taken a chance to catch up.

“End the call.” I told her sternly, my voice rising. She did, and then she looked up at me with indifference in her gaze. “It’s just her acting hard, Mum, in front of the others. She’ll not do anything.”

“Show me the picture.” I demanded.

Huffing, Lena tapped on her phone screen before passing it to me. There was a picture of my house. My front door, my drive. This was beyond threatening my daughter; this was threatening us both… and our home. I wasn’t tolerating any of it.

“Can you save that?”

“Yeah, I can screenshot.”

“Good. Do it and send it to me and let her know now that if she comes anywhere near you, threatens you, or us again, I’m going to the police.”

“Okay, Mum.” She took the phone back off me and I heard my own phone ping downstairs. “Done, okay?”

“Okay. Any more trouble and you let me know.” I raised my eyebrows waiting for her confirmation.

“I will.” Her phone continued to ping. “God, it’s like I’m a local celebrity. Everyone wants to know the inside gossip on what’s happened.”

“As long as it all blows over.” I told her.

But it didn’t.

2

CARLA

On Saturday morning, I got up earlier than I usually would and called the hairdressers to make an appointment, explaining why it was needed urgently today. Then I looked at Lena’s phone plugged into the charger downstairs and saw there were a number of missed calls and some messages.

I’m going to kill you, bitch.

You’d better not have said that about me or you’re dead.

I couldn’t click into the phone as Lena had a password on it, so I snatched it off the worktop and took it upstairs with me, knocking on Lena’s door and entering her room.

Lena hated my 'phone downstairs after midnight' rule, but I didn’t trust her not to spend the night on it chattering to Sophie and it was exam year.

Her room was dark, and she hadn’t stirred, so I pulled the curtains open just slightly to let a chink of the morning light in and then I pushed her arm to rouse her. After a few minutes of groaning, she opened her eyes and looked at me.

“What time is it?”

“Quarter past nine. You’re booked in at Tracy's at half-ten. Wake up because you’ve a lot of messages and missed calls and some of them look a bit worrying.” Sitting up, she rubbed at her eyes and took the phone from me. Her fingers glided across the screen.

“For fuck’s sake.” She snapped.

“What?” I was on high alert.

“Apparently I’ve been chatting shit about Tamsin and Alesha at school, so now they want to know if it’s true and they’re gonna end me.” She rolled her eyes.

“I need to speak to their mothers. Do you know where they live?”

My conversation was interrupted by Lena’s phone ringing. Her brow creased as she looked at the screen and as I mouthed, “Who is it?” she shrugged.

“Hello?”

Someone spoke on the other end of the line for a minute.

“Oh fuck off, Marcus. What’s it got to do with you?” She hung up, her face a mask of annoyance.

“Who was that?” I felt like a nipping puppy, but I needed to know what was happening.

She let her head bang back against the headboard. Even tired she was beautiful. My perfect achievement.

“Marcus Bull. Complete fucking waste of space in the year below me at school. He’s been hanging around with Chloe and her lot. He just told me he’s going to punch me if he sees me.”

My teeth ground. “I’ve had enough of this now. She’s been harassing you for months and you finally put her in her place. That should be an end to it.”

Her phone rang again. “Give it to me.” I demanded and she handed it over.

“Hello?”

“You think you’re so fucking clever now, but you’ll not think that when I see you.” A male voice shouted down the line.

“Hello, is that Marcus? This is Lena’s mother. Just to tell you I’m recording this conversation.” I lied. The line went dead. I passed it back to her.

“Hopefully that will be an end to it, but I’ll walk up to the hairdressers with you and then for the rest of today, maybe just stay in the house and ask Sophie round if you like. There are pizzas in the freezer.”

“Okay, Mum. Thanks.”

Her thanking me in itself was a sign that she was wary. I touched her arm. “It’ll all blow over soon enough. Just phone the other girls and tell them you've done nothing. If they don’t believe you, then I will need to speak to their mothers.”

“I’m beginning to wish I’d never hit her. It just seems to have made things worse.” My daughter’s lip trembled. I softly put my hand on her chin and tilted her face, so she was looking at me.

“She’d have carried on, love. You couldn’t win. Like I said, anything further and I’m calling the police. You let me know if that weird boy calls again or tries to contact you.”

She nodded. But the frown lines on her forehead didn’t disappear and neither did the downturn of her mouth.

I thought it best to walk up to the hairdressers with her. She sat in the chair as Fiona neatened the edges and I sat near the reception talking to the salon owner, Tracy, who I used to go to school with too many years ago to mention.

“Kids these days. I wonder where the parents are? They just seem to do what the hell they like some of them, don't they? No bloody discipline, that's the problem.”

I nodded.

“Anyway, there’s no charge for Lena’s trim. It’s not like she wanted her hair cutting is it?”

My protests fell on deaf ears. Tracy’s next customer came in and so she moved up to her chair. I sat back on the waiting area bench. Picking up a worn magazine, I lost myself in weeks' old gossip until a commotion came from outside. Loud giggling and whooping got louder. A gang of kids without doubt and then I heard, “Ugly bitch.” My daughter’s widened eyes that flicked from the doorway to me told me all I needed to know. I launched for the door, meeting the gaze of several teenagers, some of whom I recognised. Others I’d never seen before, or they’d grown to be unrecognisable. Puberty did that. Most faces turned away from mine and the noise level went down. There were a couple of boys there, hoods pulled firmly up. I came face-to-face with Chloe.

“I don’t care what happened last night. You had a fight or whatever, but it’s done now, you hear? I’ve a good mind to give your mum the bill for this haircut. What were you thinking?” Chloe turned crimson while the others began to walk on, distancing themselves from the irate mother on the street. “Anything else and I’ll be talking to your mother, and if I need to, I'll phone the police. We clear?” I finished my warning.

She just nodded. Satisfied, I turned back to the hairdressers and went inside.

“Sorry about that.” I apologised, retaking my seat, but the staff all told me they understood. That they’d have done the same.

When we exited the salon, my daughter didn’t have the same understanding. “Mum, what on earth? You’ve made a right show of me, being all ranty and embarrassing in the middle of the street. What if one of them had recorded you on their phone? I’d be a laughingstock.”

I exhaled heavily. Kids and their pride. “It’s much more important that she knows I’m not prepared to put up with it. It will have sent the same message back through the others as well.” Lena was silent for the rest of the walk home. I could live with that. Teenage sulking. It might have lost her some cool points, but you couldn't put a price on safety.

The next few weeks passed without incident. I even saw Chloe’s mum and we discussed the fight and I admitted I’d told Chloe off in the street. She agreed to speak to her daughter about it all. We swapped numbers and later she rang me saying that as far as Chloe was concerned it was done with now and they should just agree to ignore each other. I passed the news onto Lena, who said she was fine with that. With every day that passed with no more harassment, I breathed a little more calmly. Lena focused on revising for her exams and life carried on as before.

It was a crisp October morning when I left the house to go to an early dental appointment. My daily check of my car windscreen for ice had me rearing back in shock as I found shit smeared across it. I would have stayed staring in shock and wondering if I was seeing things were it not for the stench permeating my nostrils. I started to heave, stepping away from the car until I could take in gasps of fresh air. With time running out before my appointment, I was forced to leave the car on the driveway and head towards the bus stop so I wasn’t late. I wasn’t missing my appointment; I had a jagged edge to a tooth that kept causing me to cut my tongue. My whole journey there, I was consumed by what I’d just seen. What the actual fuck? Why would someone do that? I’d heard of people paying for manure to be dumped on people’s paths, but actually smearing it was a bit much. It was no doubt dog poo. As my house was on a corner, I could only think it was someone who’d maybe thrown a dog poo bag over my wall and it had splattered. Despite poo bins having been placed around the grassed area near the end of my street, there was always some lazy bastard who couldn’t be bothered to carry one or dispose of it properly. That was it. They’d have thrown it at my tree to hang it off a branch and it’d have been dislodged by a bird or something. There was a way for me to find out what had happened anyway. I had a security camera, and when I got home, I’d take a look and see exactly what had transpired. The thought of the trouble of a couple of weeks ago flitted through my mind. No, that was all sorted out. This wouldn’t be connected. Anyway, Lena had stopped at Sophie’s house last night, so wasn’t even home.

Being a member of a local Facebook neighbourhood group, I often checked on what was happening in the area, so while on this bus I typed into there to see if anyone else had suffered the same fate, just as another possibility. There were a lot of kids around here with time on their hands and trouble on their minds. Nothing had been reported other than a couple of van break-ins. No reports of kids messing around.

After my dental check-up, where the dentist thankfully filed down the annoying tooth, I returned home and held my nose as I walked past my car. I hoped the large bushes from my front garden had stopped most of the early morning commuters from seeing it as they'd passed to go to the bus stop.

Somehow, I’d got to clean that off. Before I heaved again, I decided to grab a hot drink first, and get the manual out that showed me how to check the camera.

By the time I got to watch the video footage in the garage where I kept the monitor, a couple of hours had passed while I’d grown increasingly frustrated due to forgotten passwords and a general lack of technical knowledge. But finally, I found it. At 11:28pm someone walked onto our driveway. Physically and from their clothing, I’d guess they were a male youth, but it was someone wearing a large hood that covered their face. They also wore gloves, jogging bottoms, and trainers. They went out of vision while they ducked down in front of the car, and then a turd was placed on the window and the person used some kind of implement to smear it over the windscreen. Oh my fucking god. It was actual human shit. They’d squatted down, done a shit, and then coated my windscreen with it. Who the fuck would do something like that?

I left the camera paused, walked through into the living room and fell onto the sofa, my hand clutched over my chest. Who would do such a thing? Surely, no one would hold such a grudge against us so hateful they’d smear their own shit on my windscreen? I mean, Lena’s fight was with Chloe and that was all sorted. I clenched my fists, annoyed because I didn’t want to bother my daughter, but I knew I had to show her the video later to see if she recognised who it was who’d done this vile act.

Grabbing my laptop, I Googled getting rid of human excrement because I didn’t want a disease while I cleaned my car. Of course, I couldn’t find anything other than cleaning bird poo as it wasn’t exactly a common activity was it? In the end I used my ice scraper to scrape as much as I could into a plastic bag while wearing my dishwashing gloves, and then I used a hosepipe. All the while I was cleaning it, I wanted to be sick. I sprayed a heavy dose of perfume into my scarf and wrapped it across my nose. Whoever had done this was seriously disturbed.

After that, I drove the car to a local car wash and had them wash it down properly.

By the time Lena came home from school, I was pacing the room, wanting to know if she knew who it was who'd done this.

As soon as she walked in and took a look at my face and the fact I was hanging around waiting for her, she knew something was wrong.

“Has something happened?” She said in a strained voice, her body stiffening.

I nodded. “Have you had any more trouble from anyone lately? You know, after the whole Chloe business?”

She shook her head. “No. Why?”

I exhaled deeply. “Because when I got up this morning there was shit all over the car windscreen.”

Lena pulled a face. “Ew, what? Horse shit?”

I shook my head. “No. I looked at the security video. Someone took a dump and smeared it on the car. I need to see if you know who it was.”

Her eyes widened. “I’m not watching someone take a shit.”

I rolled my eyes. “You don’t have to. You just have to watch them walk onto the driveway and tell me if you recognise them at all. They have a hood up, so you might not be able to tell, but it’s worth a shot, right?”

Lena slung her bag down. “Okay, let me get changed and put my things away. You be lining it up.”

Ten minutes later, Lena joined me in the garage, and I played her some of the footage.

“Well?” I asked.

I noticed Lena's arms were crossed over her body and she was rubbing at her shoulders. She knew who this was and it was winding her up.

"Well?" I repeated.

She sighed. “The trainers are Nike Air Max 270’s. I also recognise the coat because he wears it all the time. I think that’s Marcus Bull, Mum. Like, I’m 99.9% positive it's him.”

Dear God. The boy I’d warned on the phone had exacted his revenge by shitting on my driveway and coating my car windscreen in it. The sick little fuck.

“Well, he made a huge mistake because it’s all on camera.” I told her, my arms folding across my own chest. “I’m going to call the police.”

Lena nodded. “He’s not right in the head, Mum, is he? To do that.”

“God knows, but it’s time to get the police involved and then hopefully that will be an end to it.”

Lena nodded again, but her eyes left mine and as she looked away, I knew she didn't believe me that this would be over.

“Listen, don’t mention it to anyone for now. Well, maybe Soph, but make sure she doesn’t tell anyone else.”

“Okay, Mum.” She bit her lip. “I’m sorry. This all started because of what I did to Chloe.”

“You weren’t to know this idiot would try to join in, were you?" I said in a gentle tone. "The police will sort him out. You can’t go round defecating on people’s private property.” I decided to change the subject. “Anyway, did you have a nice night at Sophie’s?”

“Yeah it was fun. What’s for tea?” She asked.

“It’s only half past four! Grab some crisps or something.” I told her. Then I giggled. “Or a Ripple because I think I’ve gone off anything a dark-brown colour now. Marcus might have actually helped me in my quest to lose a few pounds.”

Lena pulled a face. “Ew, Mum, gross.” But then she laughed, and I was pleased that with the literal shittiest of times, I could bring a smile to my daughter’s lips.

3

CARLA

You had to ring the number 101 to report a non-emergency crime. I found out later that you couldn't even phone 999 if you’d been threatened with a knife, if you’d managed to get away from it before ringing them. But at that moment in time, I was innocent to all of those things. I knew the police were short staffed, but to what extent I was unaware. As citizens, we really did live a clueless life as to the reality of our police numbers.

I was ‘on hold’ for two hours. Two hours to get to speak to someone about the fact that someone had shit on my doorstep, so to speak. How many of us gave up, let crimes pass because we couldn’t be bothered to hang around on the end of a line? It crossed my mind to hang up many times, but I didn’t trust Marcus Bull. When I thought about his phone call and his latest actions, I had this gut feeling that he had to be dealt with. That he needed to be seen by the police. Eventually I was put through to someone who began to record the details.

“Okay, so we’ll pass that onto your local police and you should hear something back within the next four days.”

“Four days?” I replied, horrified. “But he could have done something else by then.”

“If you see him on your property committing a crime, then call 999 immediately, but in terms of this other incident someone will be in touch.”

I put the phone down incredulous. Four days before someone would come to see us. All I had was a crime number written on the back of an old receipt and a general feeling of frustration.

For the next few days, every time there was a noise outside, I was at the curtain. My nerves were on edge, wondering if the strange boy I didn’t know was out there. Lena started to get annoyed by my constantly asking her if he’d been in touch, if anything else was happening. I looked him up on Facebook. He wasn’t on there anymore because all the teens had moved onto this bloody Snapchat. I had no idea what Snapchat even was. Instead, I looked at pictures of him on Facebook when he was younger, trying to work out what he might look like now, so that should I pass him in the street I’d recognise him. I found myself staring at every teenage boy I saw. I was entirely paranoid, especially of teens wearing hoodies; which, let’s face it, was most of them. I wondered if he’d been there that day outside the hairdressers. One of the gang who'd jeered.

Finally, on the Friday, a policewoman called me and arranged to come and visit us. It was Monday before the PC and another female colleague were sitting in my living room with myself and Lena. They asked Lena to recount everything that happened and I helped fill in any blanks she left, or bits she'd forgotten.

“Okay, so if I could now look at the video.” PC Tayburn asked.

After looking at security online I'd found out how to put an app on my phone so that I could keep an eye on the house more easily. I located the incident via the app, showed her, and then she recorded it onto her own phone.

PC Tayburn took a deep breath before looking from Lena to me. “I’m going to be honest. You can’t see his face. I appreciate how horrendous this is, but this video wouldn’t stand up in court.”

My forehead creased. “But his clothes. He wears these same clothes day in, day out apparently.”

She shrugged. “Again, a judge would say these clothes are widely available and it doesn’t prove it’s him. Unless he wears something bespoke—a hand-knitted jumper by an auntie or something—it’s not enough evidence. As crazy as it sounds, maybe if you’d have kept some of the faecal matter we could have proved it was him.”

I began to get agitated, wringing my hands on my lap. “So I should have kept his crap on my windscreen and not cleaned it off? Maybe if you’d have been here earlier the binmen wouldn’t have emptied the bin with all the evidence in it.”

I didn’t miss the look that passed between the two policewomen. “I’m sorry. We’ve been dealing with emergencies.”

I took a deep breath. “I understand that. Really, I do. I know you have more important things to deal with, but this isn’t right. The lad is obviously disturbed.”

“Look, I’ll go to see him, okay?” PC Tayburn offered.

It was a peace offering, a gesture, and I leaped on it.

“Would you, please? I’d be so very grateful. It might just be enough to get him to stop.”

She nodded. “I’ll visit and talk to him and his parents. See what he has to say, and I’ll warn him about harassing people by telephone. Obviously if he denies it all, there’s not much I can do, but I’ll give it a try. Do you know where he lives?”

“I don’t, but I know what school he goes to.”

She wrote the details down. “That’s fine. I can get his address through the school. I’ll be in touch, Mrs Haybrook. And if you see him on your property, call 999, okay?”

“Okay. Thank you. Thank you for your time.”

They rose and I knew that was it. Yes, they’d go see him, but that was as far as this went.

After thanking them again, I watched them walk down the drive. A neighbour passed, her eyes widening at the police on my doorstep. Closing the door on her inquisitive gaze, I walked back to Lena. “Hopefully this will get him to stop.”

She looked at me, her gaze dead. “He’ll just deny it, Mum. We’re no better off, let’s face it. It’s a waste of fucking time.”

“Let’s see, shall we? You never know.”

But the truth was that deep inside me I felt the same way. Yet I had to have hope that the police would be able to help.

Later the next day my phone rang and PC Tayburn’s voice came down the line.

“I went to see Marcus. As expected, he denied it all. He actually seemed like a nice lad, polite. Not what I'm used to, I have to say. Anyway, I gave him a warning to stay away from Lena and from your home and to not get involved with the argument any further. I explained that everything between your daughter and Chloe had now been settled. His mum said he wasn’t the sort to do anything like that and got quite annoyed, but anyway it’s done now. Hopefully that will be an end to it.”

“Thank you for going anyway. I really do appreciate it.” My voice sounded over simpering even to my own ears while inside I was simmering with rage. 'Seemed like a nice lad'? Oh well, he couldn't possibly have done anything wrong if he was polite, could he? For fuck's sake.

The PC continued with her monologue. “No problem, and like I say, if you do see him on your property again. Call 999.”

“I will. Thank you.”

And I would, although I was wondering what the bloody point would be.

Against my expectations, it all stopped. Lena sat some mock exams and aced them all. She decided she was going to go to business college as she wanted to concentrate on business studies and hoped to move into retail. She aimed to manage some large fashion empire and then one day maybe even open her own shop. I encouraged every dream she had, told her to reach for the stars. She began to date a boy in her year at school. Lee was tall, quiet, and studious like her. They’d sit together at the dining table studying and then I’d give them money for a McDonalds or a KFC, or tell them there were pizzas in the freezer and I’d go shopping for a couple of hours to give them some peace.

“Carla.” I heard my name being shouted while I stood in a clothes shop with a blouse in my hand. Turning around to the familiar voice, I found Sophie approaching me, her brown locks falling across her face messily.

“Hey, Soph. You spending all your pocket money?” I gave her a hug.

“We’re just looking and dreaming about all the things we wish we could afford.”

"We?"

"Yeah, I'm with some mates. They've just gone outside to buy cookies, so I'll need to catch them up." She looked at my hand. "That blouse is nice."

I held it up and looked at it again. “You think so? Usually I drag Lena with me so I can get some advice, but she’s studying with Lee.”

“Yeah, I know. I should be studying myself really, but the girls dragged me out. Though if you want, I can come round with you and help you choose some stuff?”

"Nah, don't be daft. You hang around with your mates. But thanks for taking pity on this old woman."

She smiled. "Don't be daft. I’d always make time for you. You're like a mum to me."

I squeezed her arm and smiled back. “What do you think to Lee?” I asked her while I had her there on her own. “He seems nice to me, nice and quiet, but I don’t really know him. He’s in your year, isn’t he?”

She nodded. “I have some of my classes with him. He’s nice, Carla. You don’t have any need to worry. He’s not one of the idiots. In fact, he’s a lot like Lena. Quiet and studious. She’ll be glad she can actually get some studying done, cos when she’s with me I get bored easily and start chatting.”

I laughed. “I can’t believe the both of you are about to take your exams and move on.”

“I know, bit different from when you were helping us learn our times tables. Now we need to know algebra, ugh.” She pretended to shiver, and I laughed. Then she looked back at the doorway of the store. “Anyway, I’d better go. You need to get that blouse.”

“Thanks. I will.” I smiled. “She’s not pushing you out, is she? I mean, you spent a lot of time together and now she’s spending a heap of time with Lee.”

“Nah. We’re fine.”

“Good, because I can’t imagine not seeing little Soph at ours.”

She giggled. “I don’t think I’m so little now.” She was right. She’d grown to five feet nine and was two inches taller than me. “We're growing up.”

“You sure are.” I wondered if Lena and Lee were sleeping together and if she wanted to get the pill. I’d given her condoms for her sixteenth birthday, much to her embarrassment. It was a conversation for another day. My poor heart was struggling already with the thought of her growing up so fast. In two years time she could be moving to a university miles away. The thought made my heart feel like it would break in two. It would be like losing a limb.

Sophie went off to meet her friends and I tried on and then bought the blouse. Perhaps it was time for me to seriously look at dating again? I could wear this new blouse? Possibly.

After talking about the girls being little, I got home and as soon as Lee had left and Lena went to her bedroom, I went to my own room, grabbed my box full of photographs and I spent hours down memory lane looking at photos of Lena, and some of Sophie, shaking my head at how quickly those years had passed. Now they wouldn’t pose for photos. The only ones they’d allow were the pics through filters. The ones they thought made them look like models when really their natural beauty was everything.

I hung my new blouse in the wardrobe, shoved thoughts of dating out of my mind, and carried on as usual.

It was three months later that a brick smashed our front window. Three months where there’d been nothing. No trouble whatsoever. Three months where Lena had settled into her final year at school. Three months where I’d started to breathe again, thankful that the incidents were over and that we could just get on with our lives.

This time the video showed two youths with hoods up. Lena once again recognised Marcus in the background, though the youth who’d thrown the brick was not him. Lena didn’t recognise who the other person was.

"Are you sure you don't know?" I asked her again, frustrated.

"It could be any of his mates. It's too dark to see, Mum."

I arranged for the window to be temporarily boarded up and I left all the glass everywhere. The evidence. This time I wouldn’t clear any of it up. I reported the crime.

It was another week before someone came. A week of glass all over my driveway and all over my living room. Lena told me I was an idiot not to clear it up, but I reminded her of what they’d told me last time. Maybe some of it was evidence.

I told her I wanted to see what Marcus looked like and so she found a photo of him on Instagram to show me. I didn’t know what I'd expected. Actually, yes, I did. I expected someone who looked like a psycho, or mentally ill, but he didn’t. Marcus had short blonde hair and was slim and tall. He was entirely average. He looked so different to the photos of him on Facebook where he was younger. The teen years changed kids so much. I thought about how much Lena had changed.

She’d become a lot more serious these days as her exams came ever nearer. Her relationship with Lee had fizzled out after six weeks, but she’d said she wasn’t that bothered, that her exams were more important. Her head was down in her books most evenings. I was so very proud of her. She saw Sophie still a couple of nights per week, but on the whole, she spent more and more time in her room. I couldn’t believe I actually found myself telling her to revise less!

When the police visited about the second incident, it was even worse than the first time. They told me they could do nothing at all. The footage in no way identified anyone. I was told it could just be nuisance kids in the area. The policeman wouldn’t visit Marcus’ house. He saw no point. All I had for my trouble was another incident number and a bill for the excess for getting the glass replaced.

And my anxiety back.

Yet again, I was at the window watching and waiting for something else to happen. I got colour cameras installed. I was constantly looking at the front of my own house. An average looking teenage boy was holding me hostage without even being there.

I hated him with a vengeance.

4

CARLA

Two weeks later Sophie came through the door with Lena at home time and I heard her talking about stalkers. My ears pricked up at the word. I’d gone from listening and enjoying the sound of giggles to hanging around the front door at home time and making sure Lena was okay and eavesdropping on all of her conversations.

“He’s just an idiot, leave it.” Lena said, “and shh, because my mum will start kicking off again.”

“You need to tell her what’s going on.”

That was enough for me. What did Sophie mean? I swung the living room door open and stepped into the hallway. I saw Lena roll her eyes in the direction of the ceiling. “Great.”

“What is going on?” I looked from Lena to Sophie.

Sophie fidgeted, wringing her hands, but then spoke. “Marcus keeps running up to Lena before we get on the school bus. He says one day when she’s not expecting it, he’s going to push her in front of a car.”

“He said what?” My voice had risen several octaves.

“Mum, he’s been near me loads of times when I’ve been near roads. If he was going to do it, he’d have done it by now.”

“That lad is dangerous. This is ridiculous, absolutely ridiculous.” I turned to Sophie. “I want you to do me a favour, Sophie. The next time he does it, please can you try to record it somehow?”

She nodded. “I’ll try. There's an app where you can record people speaking. I thought it was illegal to record people though?”

I shrugged my shoulders. “I don’t know and I don’t care. The lad’s insane and if we get actual recorded proof of him threatening Lena, then it’s some actual evidence for the police that they might be able to do something with.”

I was shaking with rage because I needed to call the police again, but was there any point? I currently had no proof of what Marcus was doing, so what good would it do? It’d be another crime number, another week, and serve no purpose. I felt like we were just sitting targets and more than that I was scared shitless for my daughter’s safety. It wasn't like I could sit in the classroom with her. Though I could take her to school and back.

“From tomorrow I’m driving you to school and collecting you.”

Lena looked at me in horror. “No, you’re not. That’ll just make things worse. It’ll look like I can’t stand up for myself.”

I felt my temper rise. “Lena, until we manage to get him to stop, you’ll do as you’re told.”

“He can still run up to me in school, Mum. Are you going to come to class?”

“When you have kids, you’ll realise that you’ll do whatever it takes to protect them. I’m taking you and bringing you home. Do you want me to pick you up as well, Soph?” Sophie didn't live all that far away from us and we passed her place on the way.

“Yes please.”

“Okay, I’ll come get you in the morning. Ten past eight. Right, you staying for tea?” I asked Soph.

“Yup, for a change.” She laughed.

I was used to having Sophie around at mealtimes. She was the daughter of a single mum who worked a lot. She could either eat home-made food at mine, or a microwave meal or fast food at hers; so she came here, did her homework with Lena, had tea and then went home. She was here less at the moment because of them both studying, but still enough that I was happy she was eating okay. Sometimes I’d take her and Lena to the cinema, drop them off there and then pick them back up later. Occasionally on a Friday or Saturday night she’d stay over, though Lena mostly stayed over at her house at weekends, when Lou, Sophie’s mum, tried to pay me back for having Sophie all week.

One weekend in four, Lena would relent and go stay over at her dad's, though she hated Natalie. Other than that, she mainly spoke to Ant on the phone.

“Can we get through the door, Mum, or are you going to stand there all night?” Lena gave me that teenage look of derision.

“This is not over, Lena. I’m not standing for it any longer. I’m going to go to his house myself. If the police won’t do anything, I will. I’ll talk to his parents.”

“It’s a waste of time, but it’s your call.” Lena kicked her shoes off.

“It’s worth a try.” Sophie said to her.

“Thank goodness someone around here agrees with me,” I said, smiling at Sophie, “and put your shoes in the cupboard, Lena, for goodness’ sake. How many more times do I have to say it?”

Lena cooked the pair of them a pizza each and they took it back up to her bedroom. I felt like I had ants in my pants. I just couldn’t sit here a moment longer. Grabbing my car keys, I didn’t bother shouting up to the girls, I just locked the door behind me and got behind the wheel. Usually I was so conscious to not break speed limits, but I could see myself pushing 33 in the 30 zones, my need to get to the address Lena had told me about on a previous interrogation overriding my usual sensibilities.

I didn’t have an exact address from her. Just a description that the house had a navy-blue door and planters either side with spiky plants in them and there was a cut down tree in the small piece of grass at the side. It was a nice area, yet another thing that surprised me as I pulled up nearby. Seemed my mind was full of stereotypes and Marcus Bull wasn’t one.

So there I was ready to show his parents the footage I had, because surely his mother would recognise her own son’s clothes? And then we could end this ridiculous situation because I was getting to the end of my sanity. I needed a good night’s sleep and sorting this out tonight would give me that. I would be calm and reasonable.

Well I thought I would be until the boy himself opened the door.

He stared at me. “Yeah?” He said, a sneer on his face.

“Is your mum or dad in? I’m Lena Haybrook’s mother.”

He blinked twice, like he couldn’t believe I stood there.

“They’re not here, they’ve gone shopping. But I didn’t do anything, so—”

Just like that I lost it. This teenage twat stood before me lying to my face.

My body shook with rage and my voice wobbled with agitation. “Listen here, Marcus. I know for a fact it was you.” I spat out. “We recognised you. Hiding behind a hood shows you for the pathetic fucker you are. But listen to me, lad. This ends here today. Believe me, you do not want me as an enemy and the day you fouled my car and broke my window you took this from being about just my daughter and involved me in it all. Stay the fuck away from us, otherwise you’ll regret it. Do you understand?”

I didn’t wait for a response. Instead, I turned my back on him and walked away. My body was shaking with adrenaline to the point it felt like my legs would give way and my heart would explode clean out of my chest. Part of me was annoyed that I’d lost my temper. The other part of me was joyous because I’d told him I wouldn’t stand for his behaviour, had made myself entirely clear.

The police warning didn’t do anything, maybe my own would.

God, I was still oh so naïve.

5

CARLA

I was closing the curtains the following week when Marcus walked past the house with another four lads. They stared inside my windows as they walked past; all except Marcus who looked straight ahead. Why were they walking past my house? He was doing it on purpose, I decided. Goading me.

Not trusting him an inch, I went and sat on the sofa with the security app open on my phone. Just aimlessly sitting there and waiting.

They walked back again, and once more Marcus didn't look in. The others looked at my house and laughed. Every passing second a deeper hatred grew inside me, along with frustration, because I couldn't do anything about someone walking past my house even though it was winding me up.

Not five minutes later, they walked past again. I’d had enough. I grabbed my phone, switched on the camera, and walked down to the end of the street where they'd seen me and were standing around in a group.

"Could you tell my camera why you won't leave us alone?" I asked Marcus. He looked at me, a smirk on his face and walked closer.

"You can't record me. You need to delete that."

"No." I looked at him over my phone. "I won't. I want you to tell me what you think you're doing."

"If you don't stop recording me, I'll make sure you have something else to occupy your time." He sneered.

I turned off recording. "Thanks, you little fucker. Threatening me and giving me the evidence. That's great. I'll just go phone the police now and you can look forward to a visit."

Triumphant, I stalked back to my house. Lena was walking down the stairs as I walked inside.

"Mum. What's happening? I heard the door and saw you tearing off after Marcus. Did he do something else?"

"He was walking back and forth past the house, driving me mad on purpose."

"You went out after him because he walked past the house? Mum, you need to stop this. Unless he does something that we can properly go to the police with, you might as well just get on with your life."

"He threatened me." I waved my phone at Lena. "I'm going to call the police again now. It'll no doubt be a week, but then he can have a visit from them again. The more he has the police visit, the more his parents will get fed up and the police will get fed up and then he'll go annoy someone else who doesn't ring the police every five seconds."

"Whatever, Mum." She said and went back to her room, banging her door shut.

I went on the computer, logged into the 101 page and posted my previous crime numbers, and my latest report.

It was nine days before a policeman was assigned to the incident. Another crime number, now our third, and yet another copper.

"Sounds like you're having quite a time of it." He said sympathetically. He told me he had children and understood my frustration. Thank God, I thought inwardly. This one can empathise, he might help.

I still had hope back then.

PC Lattimer listened to my recording. He sighed and grimaced.

"I'm afraid I can't do anything about that because it's not a direct threat."

"Pardon?"

He looked uneasy. "Yeah, he says he'll do something if you do, so he's not actually made a threat against you. Not directly. So there's nothing I can do. I appreciate it's frustrating, but…" he held up his hands.

"You can't even go see him and tell him to stop threatening me? He clearly says he will do something."

"Not directly. I'm sorry."

I stood up. "I'm sorry… to have wasted your time and mine."

PC Lattimer made his way to the front door.

"Could you tell me… Am I able to record them? He said I couldn't."

"If you're in fear for your safety, then do it. Hold the camera and point it at them. If it means they leave you alone then let them know you're recording them."

"Thank you. That helps."

He nodded. "I'm sorry I can't do more. But if he threatens you directly ring 101 or send a report through online and in an emergency…"

"Dial 999." I sighed.

He nodded. Then he left, and I slumped on the sofa wondering just what you had to do to actually be dealt with by the police.

Flour came next. You can't phone the police for flour coating your car and windows, not really. It's harassment, it's a nuisance, but when the culprits are wearing hoodies, then there's nothing to call the police for.

And then came the scratches down the side of my car. Another crime number. Another visit. Now the culprits were in colour, wearing the same old clothes again, but still.

We can't prove it's them without doubt.

We can't see their faces.

When I went to bed at night, I struggled to sleep, because in my imagination, I was standing with Marcus, and I was picturing hurting him. This was the person I'd been reduced to being.

A nervous wreck with hate where my heart should be.

I'd picture a brick smashing into his face, busting his nose and mouth.

I imagine making him eat his own faeces.

Thoughts I didn't know I was capable of having flood my mind. Every day I was wondering what was next. It could be months, it could be days, hours, minutes. It'd already been over five months that this has been going on.

I just knew he wasn't finished.

He was still having too much fun.

6

CARLA

April brought the Easter Holidays.

I’d said nothing to Lena, but I'd decided we'd move once she'd done her exams. I’d put the house up for sale and look for a rental property. We could live anywhere. I worked remotely and only needed a laptop and I could choose a place with a highly recommended college for Lena. There'd not been any major trouble for a couple of months, but I wanted us to have a fresh start. Anyway, we'd gone periods of time with no trouble before and then BAM, something happened. Maybe Marcus liked us to think it was all over before he started again.

I needed a holiday too and had taken the week off my accountancy work. So I'd have time to look for a new place for us to live.

A fresh start.

It would be perfect.

Rightmove had become my morning break while I enjoyed a coffee. I opened it to see if there were any new rentals in a couple of areas I'd decided to focus on. Lena and Sophie had gone to the taco place that had just opened on our nearby small retail park. I'd dropped them off on my way to the supermarket. I didn't like Lena being out around the local area, but I could hardly stop her from going out and she was with Sophie and in broad daylight, so I felt reasonably assured.

That was until they came home and Sophie came to find me. That was one thing about Lena's friend. She'd risk Lena's wrath by confessing stuff if she felt I needed to know it. I guessed we were both looking out for Lena.

Lena trudged behind Sophie, and I was unnerved because instead of looking annoyed, Lena did actually look upset. Upset and tired. Worn down in a way that a sixteen-year-old shouldn't be. Exam stress was one thing, but this was a look I’d seen too many times on my own face and did not want to see on my daughter's. Despair.

"What's happened now?"

"Marcus came up to Sophie in the car park outside Taco Master. He said he wanted me to follow him to the staff car park so he could stab me." Lena confessed.

Sophie moved back to Lena and put her arm around her. "You're doing the right thing, telling your mum. You can't hide things like this."

Lena nodded.

"He came into Taco Master a few minutes later, and Carla, he actually had a knife in his bag."

"He what?"

"I'd got up to get some chilli sauce and he was just in front of me in the queue. He had one of those man bag things. When he went in it for his money, I saw it." Sophie added.

"Are you sure you're not mistaken? It's more likely you saw his keys."

"It was a vegetable knife. I saw the handle. My mum has one the same."

"Okay. I'm going to call 999 because this is crazy." I felt frantic.

I picked up the phone and went through to the emergency number. A female operator answered.

"Hi, my daughter has just been threatened by a boy who said he wanted to stab her."

"Okay. Is she near him now?" The operator asked.

"No, she's at home now, but he's probably still near Taco Master because he'll be no doubt meeting his buddies."

"Okay, I'm going to have to ask you to call 101 because this is the emergency number."

"It is an emergency. There's a boy out in Berkley Edge with a knife in his bag threatening to stab people." I yelled.

There was a hesitation before the woman spoke again. Her voice was conciliatory, telling me in its tone that I was one of a long list of irate people she'd had on the line and she was giving me her, 'I understand but you need to calm down' timbre.

"Look. I need to clear this line because this is an emergency line. I'll call you straight back."

"Thank you." I said.

"What's happening?" Lena asked.

"Apparently we have to ring when he's actually holding a knife up to your throat or it's not an emergency. I can't fucking believe this." I said. The phone rang.

"I'm sorry, it's PC Stafford. I know it's frustrating, but it has to be an absolute emergency and your daughter is safe at home right now. I'm seeing if there is an officer who can go and investigate so can you tell me exactly what happened?"

I'm sure you know what came next.

An incident number. I was collecting them like tear-off strips on share packets of chocolate, but I didn't get to send them in for anything like a movie voucher. They were entirely useless. A series of useless letters and numbers that decoded would read: WE CAN'T FUCKING DO ANYTHING.

A policeman called me later on; yet another one I'd never spoken to before. Why wasn't everything pieced together like one case when it was about one youth? Instead, everyone held a piece of the Marcus Bull puzzle and no one had the full picture. The man told me an officer had just been to Taco Master but had found no one there.

"It's six hours after the incident happened. What was the point of going? He was unlikely to be there."

"I've requesting access of the video surveillance from outside the building."

"Oh." My heart rate soared and a small glimmer of hope kindled within me.

"Could take a few days, but I'll be in touch." He said.

Guess what? He called on the Wednesday.

"We looked at the footage. It just shows the boy talking to your daughter's friend. There's no sound and it's from a fair distance away. There's no sign of a knife, no immediate threat."

We.

Can't.

Do.

Anything.

Marcus Bull was getting away with everything.

I passed him on my way to the supermarket on the Thursday morning. He was alone. He looked at me and then looked away. Carried on walking.

That day I gripped my fists together so hard so as not to punch him in the face that my nails bit into my palms.

"Do you want us to move?" I asked my daughter while we ate our evening meal.

"What?"

"To get away from Marcus. I could rent us somewhere."

"Mum. Marcus is an idiot. But if he was going to do something, I think he would have done it by now. And I'm leaving school soon, so he's bound to move on."

"Well, I thought we might move after your exams. Find somewhere new and a different college."

"But would it be far away? I'd not see Soph."

"I could rent a bigger place. Soph could have her own room. Stop when she likes. I’d make it not too far away, but it needs to be far enough to be away from Marcus Bull."

I could see Lena's mind working overtime.

"I'll think about it. Right now, I'm concentrating on my exams, not that dickhead."

"Okay, love."

It sounded like it wouldn't take much persuasion to get Lena to move. Maybe the promise of the master bedroom. Anything to get her away from Berkley Edge.

Just a few more weeks and we would be away from Marcus forever.

"Mum." Lena had that expression, the one where her eyes showed a frustration with her mouth. Where she clearly wanted to ask something but felt she really shouldn't.

"Yeah?"

"Why did you let Dad go so easily? Did you not want to fight for him?"

I sat back in my seat and put down my knife and fork. I could eat my dinner cold. My daughter had questions and it was only fair I answered them.

"Do you think I should have tried to get him to stay?"

"Not if it was done with. I'm not someone who thinks you should stay for the kids." Lena said, sounding way beyond her sixteen years. I guessed that was what divorce did to children; grew them up faster as they faced a life where not everything was white picket fences and unicorns, though I'd tried to throw fairy dust where I could. It wasn't Lena's fault her dad couldn't keep it in his trousers.

"I didn't fight for him because he'd already gone." I'd always believed in telling my kid the truth, apart from the usual Father Christmas and Tooth Fairy shit and even then Lena had always been sceptical, even when so young she shouldn't have been looking at Santa and saying 'Mummy, he's just a man dressed up'. "When he confessed to the affair, it had been going on several months. That was too much for me. If it had been a mistake, then maybe we could have tried to work out what had gone wrong, but while I'd been living here thinking everything was fine, for your father I wasn't enough."

I could see what Lena was thinking. That she wasn't enough either.

"Your dad has always worshipped the ground you've walked on. It will hurt him that he doesn't get to see you every day. It's something he didn't consider when he slept with Natalie and started on a path to her door and out of ours. Led by lust. That's his mistake to live with, and your choice to make. He made his, you make yours. If you want to see your dad more, I will never stand in your way."

"You won't, but she will."

"Natalie?"

"She's so smug, Mum, when I go round. She's always touching him on the arm or kissing his cheek. It's like she's in competition to get his attention when I'm there. It's pathetic."

"She sounds insecure. But that's what she has to live with. She chose to sleep with a man who cheated on his wife. Every day she should be looking over her shoulder because leopards and all that."

"Don't you want to meet someone else? I mean, you seem lonely sometimes." Her voice sounded sad. I didn't want her thinking she had to worry about me.

"Sure, one day. I'd like to hope there's a guy out there for me. One who'll treat me right. But I can do all that after you've left home, can't I?"

"You can do it now, Mum." She eye-rolled me.

"I think about dating sometimes," I confessed, "but it's hard. I'm forty-one." Lost in my imagination for a moment, I smirked. "Oh God. I can just imagine myself now, sat at a table in a restaurant across from a man I quite like the look of, and me going, 'so, if we get together will you cheat on me? Also, right off the bat, I think it's only fair for you to know, I've a sixteen-year-old daughter, and I don't like giving blow jobs."

"Mum."

I cracked out laughing. "Your face. Do you want some dessert?"

"No, you've put me off food for life." She did a mock retch.

"I was only joking, I actually like—"

"Lalalalalalalalala." Lena put her hands over her ears.

Then we both burst out laughing. Afterwards she went up to her room. I noticed she went in the cupboard for a grab pack of Maltesers first. She'd not been put off food that much.

I cleaned up the dinner stuff and then retired to my usual spot on the sofa. Buoyed about the possibility of moving house, I opened my computer, clicked onto Rightmove and looked at more lettings, choosing different areas. And suddenly, there was my perfect home. Down a lane in a small village about thirty minutes from here. Detached. Three double bedrooms. A back garden with decking perfect for summer and a separate outbuilding where I could work. It was double my mortgage, but I could afford it. Obviously, I needed to go look at it, but things were looking up.

A new place and a fresh start for myself and Lena.

I closed the computer happy, curled up on the sofa and fell asleep.

When I woke, my neck hurt. It always happened when I fell asleep there. I never learned. Usually it was the lull of the television, along with a glass or two of wine that had me crashing out, but tonight it had been feeling a sense of peace for the first time in a long, long time.

Lena's exams would soon be over. Then it was prom, something her and Soph rarely shut up planning. It was costing me a small fortune with the dress, make-up and hair appointments, and the limo to take them; but it was a one-off, a rite of passage.

I remembered the house I'd found.

It was 9:47pm when I heard male voices shout outside, "Show us your tits, Lena." Then they burst out laughing. I flew to the door, and to the end of my driveway.

"God, she's here. The wicked witch." Marcus said to the others as he walked down the street like he owned it. This time he had seven other boys with him. All just laughed, whooped, and hollered as they walked past the house.

"One day, you'll get yours." I shouted after him.

He turned back and I could see his smug twat face from hundreds of yards away. "What are you going to do, old lady? Shout me to death?" Another cheer and another round of whooping. Like he was in the centre of a boxing ring and they were holding up his fist, declaring him the winner of the fight.

And he was right. As I walked back into my house and closed the door, resting my back against it and looking towards the top of the stairs, I realised that I could do nothing about him at all.

Nothing except move us away and hope that we left the problem of Marcus Bull behind.

As Lena hadn't rushed to the top of the stairs to tell me off for going outside and showing myself and her up, I figured she'd fallen asleep revising, so I made my way upstairs. My heart still thudded with the adrenaline of chasing after Marcus and I felt a little short of breath. You fucking idiot, I berated myself. Getting all worked up because of a kid.

I walked into Lena's room. She was sat up in bed typing furiously into her phone as usual.

"Oh, I thought you'd be revising?"

"Nah, needed a break, so I'm chatting to Soph. But I'm feeling beat, so I'm just trying to get her to accept I need some beauty sleep and then I'm going to settle down."

"Okay, sweetheart. Hey, no pressure, but I think I found a nice place for us to rent."

Her eyes widened. "Really?"

"Yeah, it's so cute. I'll show you in the morning."

"I'll look forward to it."

I was on my way out of the door when Lena called me back. "Mum?"

"Yeah?"

She got out of bed, walked over and put her arms around me.

"What's this all about?"

"You're moving on at last; from Dad I mean. New house, and you said you might date. You need this, a new focus. I'm glad. I love you, Mum. I want to see you happy."

"Love you too." She smelled of her Miss Dior perfume and coconut scented shampoo. I tried to take what I could from her hug without making her self-conscious. Finally, she stepped away from me and back toward her bed. I felt the loss of her body heat as the cool air of the room encircled me once more.

I didn't tell her about Marcus.

That could wait until tomorrow.

I'd let her have a good night's sleep.

Following her example, I got ready for bed earlier than usual. I still felt tired from earlier and the house, the chat, and now the hug wiped away Marcus' words. I'd checked on the app on my phone a couple of times while I was getting ready, but I didn't see him come past and in the end I made myself turn my phone off, so that I could turn my mind off too.

Snuggling down under my duvet, still feeling like I could smell my daughter's familiar scents in my nostrils, my last thoughts were that in the morning I'd make enquiries about our potential new home and then I'd make pancakes. Lena loved my pancakes and we'd not had them all holiday.

I'd not set an alarm with it being the school holidays and I woke up to find it had gone past ten am. It was the weekend, but that was enough of a lie-in for me, and I wasn't a parent who let their kid sleep in too late either. Putting my robe on, I pushed open the door of Lena's room.

"Lena."

Nothing. Teenagers slept like the dead, I thought, smiling to myself as I wandered over to the blackout curtains to pull them open. Lena couldn't sleep unless it was pitch black.

I tripped over something on the floor. That was another thing they did. Never fucking picked anything up.

I pulled back the curtain and turned to watch my daughter shriek from the light, ready to giggle at her screwed-up face and protests for me to close them again. Instead what I saw would never ever leave me.

My daughter's lifeless body.

7

CARLA

I stood in a crematorium, just like I did two years ago for my mother, but this time the service was for my daughter. This was a joke, right? Any moment now Lena would spring out from behind a chair and tell me it was a prank for TikTok. I closed my eyes and prayed that when I opened them none of this was real.

That it was just one huge nightmare.

That Marcus Bull caused me a psychotic break.

That I was in an institution and this was a vivid hallucination caused by the medicines they'd put me on to bring my mind back.

But of course, the sounds of reality were still there when my eyes were shut. The background audio hum of talking and sobbing.

I opened my eyes to the truth of what was happening right now.

The room was full of family I'd not seen in forever; pupils from her school I couldn't be bothered with, including Chloe fucking Butcher and her parents; and my ex-husband and Natalie, who I'd had to act okay with. My ex-husband kept looking over at me. I kept meeting his eyes. Eyes that overflowed with his grief. I saw in Natalie's gaze as she watched him watching me that despite the fact our unspoken communications were mired in joint grief, the tightness in her eyes showed she was jealous and unsettled despite that. But then it took a selfish cow to steal a man from his wife and child, even though it took a weak man to let her.

Ant's sorrow would be overflowing with regrets about the time he never got to spend with Lena. My conscience was clear. That was the one thing about this. There was no guilt within me, as there was no room. All I was filled with was hate.

Hate for my husband who left us.

Hate for his girlfriend who tempted him away.

Hate for the teenagers there pretending to give a damn when they were here to make themselves feel better.

And hate for a teenage boy who didn't know what was coming.

Sophie and her mum were sitting at either side of me, both holding my hands. I was thankful to Lisa—even though after all these years I only really knew her on a surface level—for everything she'd done to help me since I'd found Lena a week ago.

But as soon as I'd done burying my daughter, I was done with all of these people.

Lena's body laid in a dark mahogany coffin at the front right-hand side of the room, and soon the curtain would close and she would become nothing but ashes.

Like my heart.

There was nothing of me left. It was all with her in that box.

My life was over.

I was dead.

The living dead.

I would join her, but before I departed this earth there was something I needed to do.

Marcus Bull shared the video where my daughter had stripped off to lose her virginity to her boyfriend. I knew it was him though he did it behind a fake Snapchat account as he knew he could.

I had no idea how he got the footage, but I would find out and whoever was involved would pay too.

My daughter's last words to me were not that she loved me and of her hope for my future, although now they seemed more poignant.

They were just two words written on a torn page.

I'm sorry.

Lena's phone revealed to me about more taunts and bullying and Sophie's mum would tell me over those next hours after finding Lena's body about how Sophie had spent part of the night consoling my daughter about the video circulating around social media. About how my daughter said she was so tired of it all, and that she'd think about what to do about it in the morning. She'd told Sophie not to worry, that I was moving us away from there. Sophie had believed her. Why wouldn't she?

Sophie said Lee must have circulated the video, but I knew who would be behind it. He was behind everything.

Marcus Bull.

And now?

Marcus Bull would pay.

8

CARLA

I took a minute at a time. Listened to the manure that came out of people's mouths as they passed on their condolences. That's how I saw it, shit spilling out of their mouths as they spoke. They dared to touch me. A kindly little squeeze of my arm. I was wound tight but outwardly cool, like a boxer before entering the ring.

My daughter moved on to the next life, whatever that was. I hoped she found peace. My mind was purgatory, demons waited and languished in my brain.

This was the time Sophie took me outside and away from people. If anyone had any clue how I was feeling it was Sophie.

We walked around the grounds for a while. I was numb. Sophie wanted to help me or bond. I could see everyone's thoughts in their expressions these days. Poor Sophie. Our bond was gone. We were tethered by Lena and Lena was no more.

"My mum says she's cutting back her hours at work. She wants to spend more time with me."

"That's nice." Shame it took for my daughter to die to show Lisa she could do better.

"I'm sixteen years old. Up until now I've grown up with you and Lena mainly. She's too late. Where was she while I was studying for these exams? It's okay working and saying someone needs to pay the bills, but we could have lived in a smaller home. She could have bought less clothes and handbags. And when she was at home, she wanted 'me-time'. Now she wants to be around, but I'm used to her absence."

I didn't look at Sophie. I didn't need to. I'd known this girl for years. She'd be chewing the side of her cheek right now. That was what she did when she was mulling over a problem. A maths question, whether she wanted chips or a jacket potato with her tea, whether she wanted her mother in her life.

"Everything changed a week ago, Soph. Life is no longer what went before. Now I don't have a daughter, but you now have a mother. It's the yin and yang of life. My loss is your gain."

"Our loss." She said, her voice slightly raised.

"Yes, sorry, our loss."

We walked a few more minutes in silence.

"I'm moving to the rental I found. My house will go up for sale eventually, but right now I don't want to change anything in her room. Yet I can't bear to be near it either. I'm spending stupid amounts of my savings having two places, but I don't care. I need somewhere to be close to her and somewhere I can escape. Does that make sense?"

"Yes. Completely."

"We'd better go back. People are expecting us at the wake. Your mum will be calling you any minute."

"My phone is off."

Another minute of silence. All I could hear was our footsteps on the concrete.

"I wonder what he's doing while I bury my child?" I said quietly. So quietly it was a gamble whether or not Sophie would have heard me say it. Like I wasn't sure I wanted to say it out loud, but also I put it into the ether.

She unzipped her handbag, pulled out her phone and turned it on.

"What are you doing?"

"I have Marcus on my social media from a long time ago. You know, the times when you just accepted friend requests from anyone and everyone? I'd message him from time to time through Snapchat or Insta and tell him to leave Lena alone."

"You never said."

"I thought you'd tell me to sever the link and I didn't want to. I felt like I could keep an eye on him that way."

"Is there anything else I don't know?"

"He keeps his gang of friends because he buys them all weed. Maybe they do like hanging with him, maybe they just use him. I don't know. But that's what the gossip at school is. I didn't tell you that because Lena asked me not to. She thought you'd try to snitch about it to the police and she was scared you'd annoy a drug dealer or something."

I half laughed. "That sounds like Lena."

Her face as she looked at her phone contorted with fury.

"What is it?"

She shook her head. "You're better off not knowing. I know he did so many bad things and I know you hate him, but Lena would want you to have your fresh start, Carla. Forget Marcus Bull."

I snatched the phone from her hand. "You know I can't do that."

I stared at the photos on his Instagram grid. Standing with his homies, his little tribe. All staring at the camera like they were from the hood. Hoodies, masks, do-rags. It was pathetic. Acting like they were in a gang because, what, they'd played Grand Theft Auto? My hate for him knew no bounds.

"It's probably better you forget him now, especially if he's involved with drug dealers."

Huh. While my daughter's body rotted, his already rotten body lived on.

There was no justice in this world.

He'd got away with every damn thing.

I handed the phone back to Sophie.

"Yes, you're right. It's time I moved on." I lied. "Focusing on Marcus Bull just brings me more grief. I have to accept; we have to accept, that some things in life are evil, but we can live our lives away from them."

I turned to Sophie as we stepped off the concrete path and walked up the gravel driveway back to the crematorium car park and Lisa. "Let your mum back in. You've years to spend together yet if you're lucky. Take your second chances, Sophie, because I'd do anything to have a second chance with Lena. I'd have moved us away earlier and then she might still be alive."

It was the one time I let myself fall. I'd cried at the service, and my eyes felt like they were bruised, but this was the time where I visibly bled out my emotions while the gravel ripped into my black tights and through to graze my knees. I wrapped my arms around my head and I sobbed, my tears soaking through the gravel, as Sophie and Lisa's arms embraced me. Just for that one moment, I wished my own body would decompose right there and leach through the earth.

Anthony and Natalie had arranged the wake at a local pub. He'd insisted on arranging something when I'd told him I had no interest. They'd sat in my house while we spoke with the funeral director about what coffin to cremate her in. I'd chosen to have her buried in the prom dress she should have been wearing in July.

Jesus. That would still go ahead. While I continued to mourn, they would dance and celebrate the end of school life. Get pissed behind the teachers backs and some would no doubt fuck in a classroom.

I knocked back the sherry Ant had placed in my hand. Sherry. Was I his fucking grandmother? I wanted to go to the bar and ask for a bottle of vodka, but too many people kept interrupting me. More fake condolences to assuage whatever guilt they were carrying around. If only thoughts were visible whispers. I imagined them while they spoke to me.

Shit, I hadn't seen them for six years.

I feel awful for saying I had a migraine the day they were due to visit.

Fuck, I don't want to be here talking to Carla. What do you say to someone who lost their daughter?

I wonder if there was more to it? I mean her father had cheated on her mother. Must take a lot for a child to kill themselves.

They were all sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry.

If you need anything, Carla, anything at all.

Yes. I need you all to take your hypocrisy and fake endearments and fuck right off. That's what I need.

Fuck it. I decided to go to the bar. But before I could order a drink, some useless cousin of mine was beside me. "I'll get your drink, Car. What do you want, love?"

Car?

Love?

He had no right to speak to me like this. The last time I saw him was at my mother's service. Today was just a dull repeat, but with more guilt in their eyes because 'at least Joanie had had a good innings'.

Yes, that made me feel better about my mother's death, you fucking waste of sperm and eggs and the miracle of life.

I spoke to the barman, not my cousin. "Double vodka please."

My cousin would be wearing a look of shock or understanding. I wasn't interested in either. I just grabbed my drink, muttered, "Thanks," in his direction and then I walked away, back to Lisa and Sophie, the only people I could stand to be near.

Of course, things came to a natural end. People didn't want to stay around real grief for long. Once they'd 'shown their face', their excuses were played out like I was stupid and they left.

We need to get back, because you know, traffic… the dog… blah blah blah.

Because you can't wait to get out of here. Me fucking too.

Wouldn't it be fantastic if I could just tell my truths?

I didn't because I wanted to respect my daughter in the last place I could.

But oh, how I wanted to tell every one of these people that they could go fuck themselves hard up the arse with a broom handle for all I cared. Stick their words up there while they were at it. Faecal words back where they belonged.

You talk shit.

Get away from me.

I told Lisa and Sophie to go. That I would be fine. Sophie wore a frown that would put a wrinkle between her eyebrows if she wasn't careful in the years to come.

For a moment I stood and imagined Sophie aging. She was very like her mum in looks and that's how she'd go. I’d never see Lena older. I'd never see my daughter again. Except for in my mind: in memories that would cruelly fade, in photographs that would destroy me to look at as much as they would delight me, and in my dreams and nightmares.

And again, my mind returned to him.

Marcus Bull.

Marcus who would sleep well every night because he didn't give a crap.

No, Marcus would not.

Marcus would sleep with one eye open soon.

Because if I had to stay alive to make sure he paid, then I was making my time worth it.

The law and police had failed my daughter and failed me.

So I'd spend my waking hours now letting him know how it felt to be the bullied one.

And if it drove him to take handfuls of tablets and leave the plastic bottles on the floor for his mother to stumble over in a morning before she opened the curtains to shine a light on his dead body then so be it.

9

CARLA

Finally there was just Anthony, Natalie, and myself. Time for me to thank them because it was the polite thing to do and somewhere my mother had installed this gene within me and then I could go.

Natalie had been helping the staff tidy up the remaining buffet food. At times her and Ant had been deep in conversation and whatever was being said, she wasn't happy.

I walked over to Ant and watched as Natalie made her way over too. As if she couldn't bear for me to have his company alone for even a second.

"I'm going to drive you home, Carla. I only had a pint."

My eyes flicked straight up to Natalie's. Her lips were pursed and her eyes narrowed, but it soon changed to a sympathetic smile as if I was a child in a shopping mall who'd lost her parents.

"He's not going to crowd you. Just make sure you're home safe, then he'll leave you to your own thoughts."

In other words. He's not yours anymore, he's mine.

And where I had fully intended to turn down any such arrangement, her expression had me do an about face, because guess what, Natalie? You did what you did to me and my daughter and what you got for your conniving ways was my husband.

I got to suffer.

My daughter got to suffer.

And you had orgasms.

I'd not known how to spend the rest of my day other than plotting out how to derail a teenage boy, but now all I could see was a challenge.

He was mine first, Natalie. You remember that, don't you? Especially now that it's clear we had something together you didn't.

My God, I bet Natalie had even had a teeny, tiny bit, deep, deep inside that recognised and was even a guiltily bit pleased that there was no longer anything tying us together.

Our daughter was dead and Natalie Reardon would have had that thought whip through her mind. Not pleasure of her death. Pleasure of my exit.

We're free of her now.

I'd put money on that having been a whisper thread.

Now I looked at my ex-husband. At the caring gaze I remembered from the past.

"I'd really appreciate a lift. Thank you."

I grabbed my coat and thanked the staff at the pub and then we left. The car journey to drop Natalie off was stiff and awkward with her making polite conversation about it all going as well as it could.

All I could see in my head was a funeral bingo card and I wanted to yell 'House' after every line she rolled out, like 'I'm sure she was watching'. If there was a heaven, Lena would be up there looking at what cute guys there were, not at a bunch of miseries down on earth. I wanted to yell at Natalie that she knew nothing about my daughter and should keep her fucking nose out, but I didn't.

She needed to feel insignificant to me, like she made me feel all those years ago.

Ant pulled up outside my house.

"Ant, I know Natalie said you'd drop me off and that's okay, but if you want to come in, you can. It'd be nice for us to just talk about Lena for a bit without anyone else there."

He exhaled deeply. "I’d really like that, Carla." As he got out of the car, I saw he was trying to keep himself together. His body was shaking and he started to make choking noises while placing a fist against his nose and mouth. Hurriedly, I unlocked the front door and he stepped quickly with me into the hallway, and then he burst into ragged sobs.

"It smells like her. I just want to see her one more time. Her run down these stairs. I want a do-over. I never, ever should have left."

I shrugged my shoulders. "There's no point in this, Ant. Come on, I'll get the vodka out. You can have a taxi home or stay here."

"Natalie—"

"Is not here and is not part of today." I yelled. "We just buried our daughter. Our daughter. So I couldn't give two fucking shits about Natalie, okay? We will talk about our daughter and we will celebrate her life with vodka and then you can go back home and Natalie can have you for evermore, but today either you forget her, or you leave now, because today our daughter comes first. First, you hear me?"

I was so very annoyed with him that my fists beat at his chest. He grabbed them with his and held them away.

"You're right. I'm sorry, and it's why I wanted to come back here. I want us to remember Lena. I'll find the vodka. Please go get the photos from when she was little. When we were all together and happy. I need it, please."

Nodding my head, I walked upstairs and gathered the albums he wanted to look at.

We drank the vodka while pouring over pictures and reminiscing of better times.

"Why did I throw this all away?" Ant lamented, his eyes glassy from sorrow and vodka.

"Because you were ruled by your dick and another woman's attention."

Ant turned to me on the sofa. "I am so very sorry, Carla. I never said it before, but I am. You didn't deserve it."

"Something was wrong clearly. We just didn't know it until you broke us. If we'd have been as happy as I thought we were, then you wouldn't have strayed."

"There was nothing wrong with us. I just wanted to have my cake and eat it. And the cake was always decorated in tempting toppings and being flaunted in front of me."

Like I said… weak.

"When I look back, I remember things you used to do, habits, complaints, and I realise we were happy and yet at the same time you drove me mad." I confessed.

"That's marriage, Carla."

I smiled. "I guess so."

"That smile looks good on you. I hope in the future you have reason to smile more often."

I stared down at my flooring. "How do we manage to wake up each day now without her?"

It was my one honest question for him, where the part of my soul that loved him searched for the part of him that loved me.

"I don't know." He answered honestly and softly. "She's there every time I close my eyes. All these last years where I let her stay at yours because I knew she was angry at me, and that Natalie drove her mad. I could have taken her into town or told Nat to give it a rest. That I needed time with my daughter. There's so much about her in these last years that I don't know. I don't know how my beautiful daughter could have been so desperate that she felt her only option was to take a bunch of pills, and I know she'd been bullied and you'd been through all that shit, but I didn't take a single action myself. I only half listened when you phoned, thinking oh, Carla's on one again. If I'd followed him down a dark street and threatened him maybe she'd still be here now." He was crying again. I wiped away his tears with my hand. He clutched my hand again.

"I'm sorry." He said desperately. "I'm so, so sorry."

He leaned forward and kissed my forehead, and he moved to place his arms around me and tucked me under his chin in the way he used to do if something had upset me. His arms were warm and familiar, and I'd already made up my mind in the pub that if he made any move on me I would accept it, because I had a score to settle.

I would not initiate anything, but I wouldn't refuse it either.

Ant looked down at me, tilted my chin up, and kissed me. Soft, warm, and familiar, I knew I wouldn't regret a night in the arms of my ex-husband, treading familiar terrain. I could take comfort from his hands trailing and worshipping my body and when he lost himself inside me I wouldn't care, because I was numb to anything but grief and my goals of retribution.

And that's what happened.

He stood and held out his hand. I reached out and took it and he led me upstairs. Up to our old room, as if he still lived there. Neither of us turned and acknowledged the closed door on the left.

He stripped me of my clothes before shedding his own. Then went into the wallet in his pocket and took out a condom. Who had a condom in their pocket at a funeral, was all I could think. Our clothes were discarded to the floor and then he climbed into my bed.

"Come warm me up." He said.

He'd always said that.

I climbed in and the coolness of the sheets hit me. And then I wrapped myself into the warm body next to me.

If I expected different moves from the person who'd had a different lover for so long, I was disappointed, but at the same time I was relieved as the same old routine was played out under the duvet, until such time as Ant decided I was sufficiently warmed up and he thrust inside me. As he bucked and writhed above me, all I could think of was what Natalie would think when I told her what had happened.

He came, and I faked my own pleasure. Then he gathered me into his arms.

"We were always so good together." He said, and then he fell asleep.

Once his breathing settled, I extracted myself from his arms and went to shower every bit of Anthony Haybrook from my body. Afterwards, I crept downstairs and took my mobile phone from my pocket. Back upstairs I snapped a photo of a naked Ant in my bed, the covers off his body showing his wilted penis. He stirred slightly so I quickly put my phone down and climbed back inside.

His phone began ringing an hour later, and I knew who it would be. I smirked in satisfaction. Now Natalie was the one wondering why her other half was so late home. But on just the one occasion. I'd been like it for months, only to be told a job had kept him back.

Ant and Natalie. At least they had each other. Or did they? I didn't care. It was time to send him home and send them both my goodbye.

His phone rang again and I shook him.

"Ant. Ant. Your phone is ringing. Natalie will be wondering where you are."

Ant opened his eyes and looked at me, his eyes trailing over me lazily and hungrily. "Natalie can wait."

"No, she can't." I got out of bed. "Go home."

"But… I don't understand. We…"

"Fucked. We had a fuck, Ant. A drunken one at that. We were two people lost in grief who found solace in each other's bodies. It was no more than that. For me anyway."

His face downturned. "Fine." He began to shuffle out of bed and walked out and towards the bathroom.

I moved downstairs, busying myself in the kitchen with nonsense jobs like wiping down an already clean countertop until he stood waiting to go.

Walking up to him, I placed my arms around him. Surprised by my seeming change of heart he hugged me back.

"Thank you, Ant, for giving me Lena. For the sixteen beautiful years I had of our daughter, and thank you for helping with the funeral and for the time we shared when we got back, looking at photos and reminiscing and for providing some, shall we say, comfort."

"You're welcome, Carla. I will always love you. You know that, right?"

I laughed, stepping out of his embrace. "I don't know what you truly feel, Ant, but I know what I feel. Like I died when our daughter died." His phone rang again. "There she'll be again. Natalie. Can't even let me mourn my daughter without her attention seeking. You did that, so go shut her up."

Ant looked at me, his eyes widening.

"I hate what you did to our family. I hate that you were weak. I've tried to hate you, but I don't. I can't because you gave me Lena and you were always a good father. You were just spineless."

"So what happens now?"

I couldn't believe he was asking me this.

"What happens now is you go back to the girlfriend you just cheated on with your ex-wife and you answer all the questions she's going to ask you because she knows how you operate seeing as the last time she was on a different kind of receiving end." I smirked. "And you deserve every bit of nagging you get."

I opened my front door making it clear it was time for him to go and then as he left I closed the door firmly behind him.

Going upstairs, I laid in my bed and picked up my mobile phone. I forwarded the photo of Ant to Natalie.

Carla: Sending back the leopard to you. I'm done with him, and with you. My only question? Why is he carrying condoms in his pocket when you're sterilised?

Natalie never wanted children. She'd made sure she couldn't have them by insisting on being sterilised at thirty-six. There was no room in Natalie's life for anyone but herself. I'd been secretly glad because it meant Lena didn't have to endure half-siblings.

My phone soon buzzed back.

Natalie: What a hateful bitch you still are.

I blocked her and Ant and huddled down under my bedcovers. I was indeed a hateful bitch and I felt like my revenge fuel tank was filling up nicely.

Ant had been the practice lap and now it was time for me to take pole position.

The race to destroy Marcus Bull would start soon. I would avenge my daughter's death and then I could plan my own, just as soon as I could be confident total grief wouldn't trip me up.

10

CARLA

The days moved along. Some had purpose. Days when I got in my car and drove from my house to the rental property and slowly moved from one to the other. Other days I laid in my bed in either house, whichever I was in when life beat me down into oblivion. I forced myself to eat when I was more with it.

I shopped for the few things I needed to exist and I dreamed of peace.

After some internal arguing with myself, I decided to sell the house after all. It was going on the market in the next day or two. Despite thinking I'd want to be around her things to feel close to her, I couldn't bear to be near or in Lena's room, and I'd not opened the door since the funeral. It was just too hard. Today I needed to go in and take apart the room that no longer held my daughter. Sophie had offered to help, but I'd said no. Instead, I'd invited her over last night and told her to go in and take whatever she wanted from Lena's jewellery box and the bits of ornaments on her side, things like bejewelled photo frames, some of which housed pictures of the two of them. She'd gone upstairs and returned not two minutes later saying she had all she needed: in her mind, in her photos, and in the friendship bracelet long ago worn off but kept in Lena's jewellery box. She'd held up the frayed threads and told me she kept hers in her own box and now she'd wrap them together so they could be friends forever.

I'd hugged her close and then made an excuse that I had to go to the other house, so I could drop her home. Sophie had worn an expression of sadness that went beyond Lena. It was a heavy resignation, an acceptance of losing her second home. But as much as I had loved Sophie, had known her since she was little, I couldn't find it within me right now, couldn't be there for her in her grief because my own was all consuming. I could only hope her mother's words weren't hot air and she did recognise the second chance she could get with her daughter.

So now I slowly pushed open the door of my daughter's bedroom. Her smell hit me the minute I walked in. Sinking onto her bed I breathed in Lena on the covers and I didn't move for hours. I sobbed and grieved for my daughter because this was my final goodbye.

Eventually, I sat up, got up, and went into the bathroom where I looked in the mirror above the sink at my red, puffy eyes that looked almost swollen shut. I splashed them with large amounts of cool water, and then held my mouth under the tap taking a few mouthfuls to quench my thirst.

Now was the time. With black plastic sacks, and packing boxes, I slowly worked my way through what was for the bin and what I was keeping. I was giving nothing to charity because I couldn't stand the thought of someone else being 'Lena'. I already had A4 boxes on the top of my wardrobe that housed collections of her artwork and cards to me, things that she'd done when young. A handprint picture. A Mother's Day card. One day I would look through them. Perhaps the night where I gave up on life myself. There was nothing like that now, just the occasional doodle of a flower in the corner of a schoolbook, but it seemed there was no room for diaries or journals. Life was recorded on social media, on places like Snapchat where you were seen and then deleted.

Lena was now deleted. Seen and gone.

When I'd finished, I put some cheap bedding and curtains I'd bought from the supermarket up. I was cheaply staging the house in order to hopefully get a quick sale. Not everyone would know the house had been where my daughter took her own life. Someone would see it as their dream home, not my nightmare.

A few weeks passed. It was June and most of Lena's classmates were in the middle of exams. I was now in my rental and I'd accepted an offer on the house. The estate agents and solicitors were handling everything. I was done with it. My appetite had improved and I found I was now comfort eating. My weight was increasing and I couldn't have cared less. I’d fought with my weight for years trying to keep myself from looking portly. Now my weight gain made me look different and I welcomed it. The first part of becoming insignificant.

I’d had my hairstyle changed in a salon I'd not been in before. The hairdresser hadn't understood why I wanted to chop my 'lovely long hair' short.

"But it must have taken so long to grow."

"I have cancer." I'd lied. "I want you to cut my hair short and turn it back to its natural colour as I expect it will fall out soon anyway."

She'd shut up then. "Oh my goodness. I am so sorry. Let me go mix the colour."

I hadn't liked having to lie, but people needed to think before their unwanted opinions flew out of their mouths. I'd rather not have had my gorgeous blonde streaked hair cut off, but it was a necessity as I didn't want Marcus recognising me. Plump, with short brown hair and a pair of clear specs, he'd have no clue. Not that I intended to be anywhere near him. Not at first anyway.

Needing access to Marcus' social media, I'd made fake Snapchat and Instagram accounts from a new phone. He wasn't stupid enough to accept my friend requests, but two of his friends were, and when they tagged him, I could see those photos, and they tagged him a lot. One boy in particular, Damon, liked to take photos of everything they did. Damon was a weakness to be exploited.

As 'Elise Wilson' I'd spent the last week or so sometimes commenting on the odd pic. Just hung around in the background of their social media, barely visible, adding comments like Looks like fun or wish I lived in Berkley Edge. I used photos of one of Ant's nieces. Took them off her own accounts and repurposed them. Lots of pouting at the camera. I'd made up some crap about having my account shut down and having to start a new one and I made sure I posted several times a day. I looked at what other teens posted: memes, jokes, selfies. It wasn't difficult. Damon would put emoticons of heart eyes.

Marcus was still hanging with his gang. They continued to post photos of themselves acting like they were some kind of street gods. Then he went home and played his Xbox until late into the night.

I knew because I watched his windows. I'd walked around the area where he lived as if I was just passing through carrying my shopping and going home. I needed to make sure the people in the area were used to me; so used to me I'd fade into the background. I’d smile at people and they'd say hello.

And then it happened. One tea-time I was there and Marcus was coming out of his driveway as I walked past. He looked at me, then looked away. I was insignificant. It felt amazing.

I could have easily bought a sharp knife and plunged it through Marcus Bull's throat. Watched as the blood sprayed out in satisfying spurts and the life drained out of him in minutes. But I didn't want his life to leave him fast like that. I wanted him to suffer. My game had to be slow and build, until the time came when Marcus no longer saw any point to his own insignificant life.

When I did begin, I started small. His father had a flash, black BMW. Brand new, it was clearly his pride and joy. I saw him on a couple of occasions washing it or polishing it as I did my walks.

To become invisible, I'd been taught that all you needed were joggers and a hoodie and so that's what I wore. In the early hours of an unremarkable July day, once the night was dark, I got out of my parked car some streets away and making sure none of me was able to be seen as anything more than 'not clear enough as evidence', I carved MARCUS IS SCUM into the side of his father's car.

My hands shook as I did it, but I didn't have a single regret. Even if they came outside while catching me in the act and pulled my hood back, what could they actually do to me? I was dead inside anyway. I didn't care. All I did was to avenge my daughter's death and I would start by making Marcus' home life hard.

Back home, I enjoyed a scalding hot bath and lit a scented candle of the same make Lena used to light in her room. I felt closer to her now if I could smell this scent. Then I fell asleep, content for once.

With my alarm set, the next morning I hurried to be back on Marcus' estate at 8:30am. I’d parked a few streets away again. This was around the time that his father left for work in a morning. I didn't have an exact time when Mr Bull set off, but I figured he'd not be rushing to get there on this particular morning given the circumstances. Dressed as if I was going to work, I came from the back of their estate and walked past in the direction of the bus stop on the opposite side of the street.

Marcus, his mother, and his father were standing on the driveway staring at the car. His father was puce in the face and shouting.

"You must know something about it. Who've you upset this time? Someone carved my fucking car up. Do you have any idea how much that's going to cost to repair?"

"I've already told you that I've done nothing." Marcus yelled back.

"People don't damage cars for no reason." His dad snapped.

"Peter, let's talk about this inside now." I heard his wife say. I'd walked as slowly as I could and now I couldn't be privy to any further conversation. I'd been lucky to arrive and hear what I had. Damn it. I realised now why murderers turned up to the funerals of their victims. You wanted to see the outcome of your efforts. To celebrate your achievements. On my way home I kept picturing the anger on his father's face. Such a small thing but it felt good.

Do you know what else felt good?

Later that day he accepted my friend requests on Instagram and Snapchat. On Insta I saw his post, a photo with his mates, where he declared, 'Pussies shouldn't hide'.

Was this a coincidence? That the day he accepted my request, he posted a message that was unknowingly directed at me?

I doubted he'd made the connection, but I’d make sure to stay alert.

A week later and Mr Bull's car was back on the driveway free of all blemishes. A small camera in his car windscreen flashed on and off. So he'd thought about security? I smiled. I knew all about these cameras. I knew that motion could make them start recording. But what was it going to record really? Some grainy picture that couldn't be used in court, that's what.

In any case, the camera couldn't record shit, when shit was thrown at the windscreen covering its view, and that's what I did next. Eight days after the first incident, I drove up nearby and walked down the street with my large plastic bag full of manure and a scraper. With dark glasses over my eyes and no part of me visible, I slapped the first piece of shit over where the camera was fixed and then I tipped the rest of the bag out and smeared it well. My final part was a rolled-up piece of paper that I stuck in the middle so it stood up. It was like a shit chocolate cake with one sad candle.

Whoever opened it would find the words.

Marcus Went Too Far

Marcus Will Pay.

This time I went nowhere near the house after the event. It was time to calm my actions there, as they'd be especially cautious over the next week or two. With any luck, Marcus' parents would be looking out of their windows at any sudden noise or movement and then would berate him for the fact they were living that way. Now they'd feel the effects of their son's actions. They had to go in their pockets and pay for damage they didn't cause, and that would square with the fact that their entirely substandard parenting of their son meant I'd had to do the same. You reap what you sow, Mr Bull, and you sowed the seed of this pathetic child into his pathetic mother.

Social media had the odd mention of 'shit on your own doorstep' and similar, with laughing emojis from Marcus' mates. The best by far was one stating, 'brings a whole new meaning to BullShit'. I made a note of these people, I sent them friend requests, and I requested friends of friends of friends. I posted about new shoes I’d bought and how I was fed up of being single.

Damon commented on that. You don't have to be.

And so did Marcus. Like you've a chance there, dickhead, followed by laughing emojis.

I sent Damon a Snapchat.

Elise: Ignore Marcus. I'm probably coming up to Sheffield at some point in the summer holidays if you wanna meet up?

Damon responded back quickly. Yes! Let me know when.

From then he commented more on my posts and we started messaging. I spent evenings chatting shit to him, just hoping that by dropping him a crumb, he'd bite my hand off to feed. Every time I saw Marcus give him crap online, I'd just make sure to mention that I found him not very nice and thought he was supposed to be a mate.

Damon was apathetic and it irritated me. Oh it's just banter. He'd reply.

I started to feel strange. Like my skin itched, and I lost my appetite for a while. I felt nauseous at the fact Marcus wasn't suffering, not really. Something else needed to happen. The pressure needed turning up.

11

CARLA

I left it two more weeks before I went back to the house. I knew that Marcus was still at school. They'd yet to break for the long summer term, and his parents both went out to work. My plan was to walk around to the back of the house and see if I could find an open window. If anyone stopped me, I was just going to say that I'd been asked to pop and make sure everything was okay given the recent events. But one thing about hiding in plain sight is that scarily no one bothers with you at all. Lifting up a plant pot at the front of the house, I was shocked to find a key under it. Given the alarm box on the wall was a fake ass shit one that I recognised from Ant getting the same thing, I was confident that once I was in this house I'd be undisturbed. Sure enough, the door opened and I pulled my hood up and walked inside.

The house was immaculate and I was guessing Mrs Bull kept it this way, almost to the point of a cleaning obsession. There wasn't a speck of dust to be seen. But I wasn't here to create housework, my intent was to quickly grab what I could from Marcus' room. I’d come here hoping to pinch a sweater off a washing line, but now I was actually inside.

His room smelled of fustiness; a window needed opening badly, but I wouldn't. No, I just needed to get something small and I needed it fast. I spotted a signet ring on his side with a snake emblem on it. Not real gold, just part of the image of the kid from the wrong side of the tracks Marcus wanted to display. This boy didn't want the silver spoon he was born with, he wanted gold grilles. I pocketed the ring. Opening his drawers and moving things carefully, at first, I found nothing useful, but then lifting his mattress, right in the middle was a rolled-up pile of money. Bingo. I counted it—five hundred quid—and I stuffed it in my pocket. I was in and gone within ten minutes and no one was any the wiser.

When I got back home, I immediately donated the five hundred pounds to Young Minds, a charity that helped kids being bullied. Fuck you, Marcus Bull. I only wished I could have left cameras in his room to see his face when he found his money gone.

These acts filled me with a sense of satisfaction, with warmth. I continued my accountancy work around thinking of what I could do next.

I re-watched the video from when the brick came through the window and I realised that Damon was the one who had thrown it. I'd not known before because I'd not known Damon, but now as I looked at his social media, I saw he tended to wear the same clothes in rotation. An Adidas tracksuit one week, a Nike one the next and repeat. And it was one of those he was clearly wearing in the video. Ooh, should I call the police and tell them I'd identified him, and then wait a week to be informed that even though we all clearly knew who it was, it wouldn't stand up in court?

Let's not waste our time, hey? Let's just take care of Damon ourselves.

Damon had been getting ever more involved in conversations with 'Elise', planning what we'd do in the holidays when we met up. It was boring, time consuming, but entirely necessary.

He got exasperated because Elise sent her Snapchats to pictures of her feet, or her bedroom, while he sent his chat across pics of his face. He wanted Elise to show her face, but Elise was 'spotty and didn't feel confident'.

Damon: I think you're beautiful. I might have felt sorry for him were he not a part of the story that led to my daughter's suicide.

Damon: You should be more confident. He added on another.

Elise: Do you ever get your house to yourself…? I asked. You know, for when I come over…

The ellipses left blanks that Damon could fill in however he wished.

Of course the minds of teenage boys tended to go one way.

Damon: There's just me and my mum and she works during the day, so we can hang here when you visit. If you want to…

Elise: I want to.

The good thing about Snapchat was that messages disappeared once opened and there was no chance at all of the police getting hold of any of what had been said. I knew this because they'd told me. If messages were screenshot, it informed the other person in chat. What these idiots seemed to forget though was that you could get a camera or another phone and snap a photo of what they'd written or posted that way.

So when the conversation eventually led to Damon sending Elise a dick pic, well of course after I wanted to be sick, because he was sixteen for fuck's sake and I was in my forties and no paedophile. I didn't screenshot, but I did take a photo of it with my own phone.

And then I stopped messaging Damon.

His panic was immediate. A pic of his face appeared on a chat.

Damon: Elise, I'm sorry. I thought that's what you wanted. Forget it. I'm just happy to chat with you. Please. Let me know, we're okay.

Damon: Elise, come on. I made a mistake. Forgive me, okay? We're going to have an amazing time when you come over. I've saved up to buy us lunch and everything.

Message after message; each one got more desperate until he finally gave up for the evening.

Damon: Okay, I'm sorry. I'll message you tomorrow.

And he did. A few more desperate messages. Later that evening, there was a photo posted to social media of him, Marcus, and others in the local burger joint. Perfect. It was good that he told me where he was. I now knew that I could go visit his mother.

I put on my make-up, dressed in some decent clothes, and took my 'daughter's' phone and I went to visit Damon's house.

The door opened and a tired looking woman answered. Her blonde hair was highlighted and straightened. Her make-up was on her face but faded. She was dressed in jeans and a t-shirt. It was the tell-tale clues of someone who'd come in from work and got changed into something more comfortable.

"Yes?"

"Hello. I'm sorry to turn up unannounced, but are you Damon Caruthers mum?"

Those eyes narrowed on me. "Yeah, why?"

Instantly defensive. It made me feel smugger.

"He's sent my daughter a photo of his penis. I'd like you to get him to stop and I insist he not contact her anymore. She's extremely upset." I looked for shock, but Mrs Caruthers' face contorted in the defensive look of a mother who'd had plenty of practice of defending her 'innocent' son.

"Damon wouldn't do that." Her hands were on her hips and she looked like she wanted to punch me in the face. Yes, clearly one of those who knew her son was a waste of space but would protect him regardless.

"I can show you the photos and you can get him to stop, or I can go to the police." I snapped at her. No more Mrs Fucking Polite from me now. If she wanted to play it this way, then play it we would.

"Fine. Show me."

No, 'come inside'. Just a demand on the doorstep.

I passed her an A4 sheet of paper where I'd printed the messages and photo off my phone. As she looked at them, her shoulders sagged and the fight went out of her body. Oh she still wore the expression of a fighter on her face but her body betrayed the truth.

"I'll speak with him tonight. She'll not hear from him again."

"Thank you. Oh, and while you're at it, if you don't mind, can you ask him to tell Marcus to stop messaging her as well, only I don't know where he lives or anything."

"Why the fuck should I do that?"

"Suit yourself. Your son's 'friend' keeps talking shit about him and trying to get my daughter to choose him instead. They're both a nuisance. She doesn't want either of them."

"You sure about that? Sure your daughter's not being a prick tease?"

"Seriously, that's your angle. That my daughter might be at fault? Perhaps you can ask Damon if she sent him a photo of any part of her anatomy, can't you?" I began to walk away from the door.

"Come here again and I'll ring the police." She warned me. I walked back closer.

"If I come here again it will be because Damon has once again done something to my daughter, so you'd be more than welcome to call them. But don't worry, next time I won't give you the chance to speak and deal with him outside of the law, I'll phone them and he can be done for indecency. Another year of school to come, exam year. Waste of time sitting those if he's got a record for showing girls his cock don't you think?"

She slammed the door in my face. Good, I'd got to her. I went home. She'd already be on the phone to her son, demanding he come back, so I needed to be out of there.

Damon didn't send any further messages, but Marcus did.

Marcus: What's your mother going on about? I never sent you any messages about us two. I don't know you.

I messaged back.

Elise: I don't know what you're talking about.

Marcus: Damon's mum told him you'd said I needed to stop messaging you. You're clearly some crazy bitch. Consider yourself blocked.

Elise: Whatever. Damon sent me a dick pic. He's obviously now trying to make out like I'm the crazy chick. Lost any money lately, Marcus?

BOOM. Hahahahahaha. I sat back and waited for his response.

Marcus: What do you know about missing money?

Elise: I know we were going on a date and he wanted to impress me and he said you owed him and he knew where you kept some cash.

Marcus: He wouldn't do that. He's my mate.

Elise: Then how come I know you have five hundred pounds missing from under your mattress? Goodbye Marcus, consider yourself blocked.

I turned off the phone, walked out into the back garden and smashed it up with a hammer. And just as stray pieces of plastic moved on the path with the breeze, the pieces of destruction I'd just sent via telephone would drift through the friendship of Damon and Marcus.

A few nights later, I threw a brick at Mrs Caruthers' car's front window before I legged it down the street, got into my car and drove home. I made sure I dropped Marcus' signet ring by the front tyre.

I waited for the police to come. Waited for someone to have caught my car on camera, security to have followed me via CCTV, but of course they didn't.

Because other than the person it'd happened to, no one cared.

Indifference.

"I don't want anything coming back on me." That's what I'd heard from one neighbour when I'd asked if he could check his CCTV after one of the incidents at our house.

So far I had got away with every damn thing.

Just like he had.

Sophie rang me. She rang every week to check how I was, bless her. I hoped as time went on that it would become less. Her mother was around more and making the effort still. That pleased me and I told her so.

"I hope you're being okay with your mum, Soph. You have a chance I'd love to have again with Lena."

"I am, don't worry. I can't be best friends forever with her though, just because she suddenly got the guilts after what happened with Lena."

"Yeah, I get that."

"I miss you, Carla, and I worry about you. Are you okay in that house on your own?"

"I'm fine, honestly. Just working a lot and doing a bit of decorating."

"Is my room ready yet?" There was a hopeful lilt in her tone.

"Pardon?" What was she talking about?

"My room. I know it's difficult with Lena and everything, but you were like a second mum to me, like an auntie or something. I miss you. Can't I come for tea one night?"

No. I thought, but that's not what I said.

"Yes, of course. Let me get a bit straighter, and just have a little more time to myself and then course you can come and have tea or something."

"Great. I can tell you all the latest gossip. Marcus and his mate Damon got into it last week. Massive fight. He knocked one of Damon's bottom teeth out."

"How'd you know that?"

"Chloe told me. Marcus got suspended. Him and Damon aren't friends anymore, and so he's not looking like the king of school so much now. Damon's more popular, weed or not."

"Good. I don't want Marcus living a happy life. Does that make me a bad person, Soph?"

"No, it makes you a mum. Well, I'll let you go. Hurry up and get that place straight, so I can visit, okay?"

"Okay, Soph." I hung up. Bless her. I did miss Sophie. Maybe I would ask her for tea. It's just we would talk about Lena, and then Sophie would tell me about her life, and try as I might to not think it, I would wonder why Sophie was still here and Lena not.

And that wasn't fair. Sophie didn't deserve those thoughts. All she'd ever been was a good friend to my daughter. But her place was with her own mother. Maybe I had to be cruel to be kind with Sophie because someday soon I wouldn't be here myself and then she'd have another loss in her life.

I'd have to think about things. Because at the same time she was a route to information about Marcus.

And that was just too tempting.

12

CARLA

I invited Sophie for tea. It was unfair of me really because I didn't do it to see her. I did it in case she could give me any information on Marcus.

My guilt was overridden by my desire for vengeance.

Lisa dropped Sophie off at the door three nights later. They both looked shocked at how different I looked, but neither of them passed comment.

"I'll pick her up about what, nine?"

I nodded. "Yeah, thank you. See you later." I waved Lisa off and turned back into the house.

Sophie grinned at me and I couldn't deny that it was good to see her. She'd been in a happy part of my life and the general enthusiasm she carried with her was kind of infectious.

"Come through. I've done your fave: pizza, chips, and beans. Bet you can't guess what's for dessert?"

Her eyes lit up. "Is it sticky toffee pudding and custard?"

"Might be."

She walked inside and looked around at my new place. "I know you're only renting, but I like what I've seen so far. It has a good atmosphere."

She threw her bag and coat across the back of the dining room chair. Her shoes were still on her feet. I'd told her to keep them on. I couldn't bear to see discarded footwear in the hallway. Not when I'd be begging for another pair to appear at the side of hers. I knew that this meal was going to be difficult, for her and for me. Because Lena wasn't here, and we would have to talk about it.

"I'll show you the rest later, but for now, wash your hands because I'm plating up." Everything was the same and it hurt because it was also different; my daughter wasn't there. I was just glad that I was in a different kitchen. I felt a little less guilty thinking that this wasn't the usual routine, not exactly, because all that had happened in our home, and this wasn't our home. Different kitchen, different appliances, different table and chairs; all belonging to the property owner who'd furnished the place, meaning I didn't have to sit amongst things that made me imagine Lena in them. I'd let a charity take all my furniture and dumped anything else because I wouldn't need it.

Sophie sat at the table.

"So how did your last exams go?" I asked her.

She shrugged. "I don't know. I did what I could. I'll hopefully get what I need for college." Sophie wanted to do hair and beauty.

"Well, that's all you need."

"Revising helped to occupy my mind. Funny really, that for all I didn't want to do it, in the end it was one of the only ways I could get through the day."

"It's hard." I admitted. "Every day is hard."

Sophie burst out crying. I rushed over to comfort her, and I began crying too. Damn this girl and her emotions making me realise deep down I still had a heart. We cried for minutes as I stroked at her back, patting her. She was the one person who had some idea how I felt. After the sudden outpouring of grief, I moved away.

"I'm so sorry—"

"Don't feel sorry about grieving, Soph. It comes in waves and doesn't let you know when a huge one's about to crash. I hope you can find your appetite though."

She did and after we both rinsed our faces in the sink, we sat and ate and she caught me up on school life, and prom. It hurt again, reminding me my baby was wearing her prom dress in whatever came after we departed the earth, but I tried to make all the right noises, because I knew Sophie was trying to cheer me up, feeling guilty for crying.

"So have you heard anything else about Marcus?" I finally asked as I placed her pudding in front of her.

"He's become a complete loner. Doesn't have friends anymore. Not since it all kicked off between him and Damon."

"Good." I feigned disinterest. "It doesn't matter to me what happens to him now. I'm just glad he's not living his best life."

"He definitely isn't." She told me and she tucked into her dessert.

Lisa came and fetched Sophie back just after nine. I chatted to her on the doorstep as Sophie eye-rolled us both, left us to 'gossip about me', and went to get in the car.

"How's she doing?" I asked, before Lisa could ask me how I was doing.

"Cries a lot. It's all about time isn't it?" Lisa looked at me with sympathy. I didn't want it.

I nodded my head. "It is. It was strange her being here without Lena."

"I bet. But you've always been like an auntie towards Sophie. If you ever want to spend time with her, go get your nails done or whatever, just call. I'll never forget your kindness when I was struggling."

Smiling, I told Lisa that I'd better let them go, because the truth was if she said anything else to the tune of that I could basically borrow her daughter if I wanted to do the daughter things I couldn't do with my own now, I might just launch myself at her with my fists flailing.

The minute I got back inside the house it was like my crazy unleashed. I took a kitchen knife and stabbed it through a cushion, pulling and dragging and ripping with my bare hands and screaming and crying. Thank fuck I had no neighbours nearby because I was in the hold of madness. Nausea overwhelmed me and I just made it to the bathroom before I lost everything I'd managed to eat with Sophie, as if my body was saying to me, you can't eat with Sophie without Lena being there, you just can't. Exhausted, once I was sure I was done being sick, I dragged myself to bed and fell asleep.

When I woke, I felt an overwhelming urge to want to go to Lena's bedroom. Even though I'd emptied it, I needed to be there. Until it belonged to someone else.

I managed to force a piece of toast and a drink of coffee down myself to line my stomach and wake me up and then I drove to my former home.

As I got out of my car, my old neighbour was pruning her bushes in her front garden. She waved a hand at me. We'd said the odd hello over the years, but that was all. Out of politeness. An older lady and her husband, they'd once returned a ball Lena had accidentally kicked over their fence in the back garden sliced through with a knife. An empty, airless husk. Just thrown it back over the fence as a huge 'you'll not do that again' punishment. They'd never had kids and couldn't tolerate the noise. Always commenting about peace and quiet in earshot of me when she was out playing with Sophie.

"Hello, hello. How are you?" She beckoned me over. She didn't even know my name. Her sympathy card had come addressed to 'Number 15'.

I walked to her gate and she smiled. I did not. "In all the time we lived nearby you never once asked me how I was."

The smile slipped off her face.

"You'll not have to suffer the noise Lena made anymore at least now, will you? Now that she's dead. Empty of air like the football you threw back over that time because you hated her ever enjoying herself. Now my angel is dead, and yet, you… you spiteful old crone, still live." I turned on my heel and walked away.

While I was at it, I decided I'd call on the other neighbour. The one with the CCTV. Then I'd never come here again, because Lena was not here and seeing her room would just remind me of that. I needed to decide what was left to do to Marcus and then get the hell off this poisoned earth.

I banged on the door and the middle-aged guy who'd not given a damn answered. He looked shocked before a hesitant smile swept it off his features.

"Yes?"

"I just wanted to say you needn't worry about being involved in anything else to do with my daughter, now she's dead."

"I—"

I held up my hand. "Save it. I just wanted to say to you that I hope you fall down on your own driveway having a painful cardiac arrest and that everyone walks past and leaves you there, because they 'don't want to get involved'." I did pathetic air quotes. "I mean should someone do first aid and crack your ribs, you could sue. So yes, I hope it happens and I hope you die a very painful and frustrating death while passers-by just stare at you and let you get on with it."

His mouth was opening and closing like a dying fish.

"Yep, looking exactly like that." I pointed at his face. "And if you think I'm being evil, basically you just stood by while my own heart broke and did fuck all, so all I'm doing is wishing you the same. You're a despicable specimen of a human being."

I stalked off back to my house.

It felt good. I felt good. Adrenaline zinged through me, awakening my body and filling it with purpose.

I picked up the mail off the mat and flicked through it. There was nothing of interest to me and I threw it onto the side to dispose of and made my way upstairs. I sat on the floor of Lena's bedroom and just closed my eyes and somehow tried to feel nearer to her. As the adrenaline abated, exhaustion took over me and I must have nodded off, as I came to at some point later when the letterbox rattled.

I waited until I'd come round a bit and got my bearings because it would only be a charity collection bag. They were always posting them through. Standing up, I rubbed at my sore backside, and walked stiff legged onto the landing.

Oh for God's sake. A plain white envelope sat on the doormat. Another fucking sympathy card. If it was from the bitch next door or the other twat apologising, I would go shove it somewhere where a papercut would sting like a bitch.

Walking down the stairs, I knew I was never coming back to this place. Every day I felt wearier, like my body couldn't even be bothered anymore. Had given up.

I picked up the card and opened it. I couldn't help it. I had to open them all because often they said things they remembered about Lena, and they were extra glimpses of how she'd lit up other people's lives. So if I ignored it, I could miss a piece of Lena.

I gasped as I looked at the writing.

I am sorry about Lena.

So very sorry.

MB.

My hands shook as I dropped the card as if it was laced with Anthrax.

Sorry.

He was sorry.

The boy who killed her was sorry.

You'll be sorry all right Marcus Bull, I thought. Because the end was nigh.

13

CARLA

How is one human body supposed to cope with an overload of sensations and feelings?

Hatred.

Frustration.

Anguish.

Desperation.

Fear.

Agitation.

Hurt.

Annoyance.

Rage.

Resentment.

Shock.

Short answer, it can't.

I couldn't stand still and I couldn't move. I couldn't think and at the same time thoughts were trying to spin around like a guy working the Waltzer just span my chair. I ran back upstairs and I was sick again. Marcus had literally made me sick.

My body was not coping with all this. Not with the grief, not with living. It was like it didn't want sustenance. Was giving up.

I hear you, I told myself.

Let's finish this.

I'd kept Marcus' Snapchat details and this time I sent him a request from my own name and my own phone.

He accepted it straightaway.

Now what?

I typed a message. No photo. I wasn't a teenager.

Carla: I got the card.

I felt like I was dragging a blade through unanaesthetised skin as I added.

Thank you.

Snapchat indicated he was writing back.

Marcus: I never thought Lena would do that. I know you don't give two shits about me, but I'm sorry. Whoever sent that video went too far.

Whoever sent that video?

So he couldn't even be bothered to tell me the truth now. But then again, he and his mates probably now knew about taking photos without Snapchat alerting them after the whole Elise business.

Carla: Would you meet me, to talk about Lena? I wrote, desperate. Just anything you like really. I'm in Berkley Edge now and then I'm leaving for good. Somewhere private like near the old den? I promise, I won't keep you long.

The little head poked up on Snapchat once again to tell me he was replying.

Marcus: I don't know what I can tell you really.

I didn't want to lose this chance. I was desperate.

Carla: You could say sorry to my face, rather than through cowardly words on a piece of card. That would mean a lot. Give me some closure and then you won't have to see me again.

Another message being typed.

Marcus: Okay. I'll be there in around fifteen minutes.

As I closed the message, I felt like adrenaline might actually kill me this time. I felt faint, lightheaded, and my heart thudded insanely in my chest. What did I need? Nothing, except something to hurt Marcus with. I looked around me. Fuck, most things were packed. Aahh, but I'd left tools in the shed. Ones that belonged to Ant. Old rusted shit not really fit for any use. I sniggered. That'd be funny, if I wore gloves and Ant got arrested for whatever it was I was about to do.

I wouldn't think about what the next few hours held.

I would not speculate.

I would just act in the moment and go with what my mind and soul intended.

In the shed I found secateurs, a screwdriver, and an old pair of gardening gloves. It was a shame there was no knife, but I was sure I could do enough damage with a screwdriver. Anyway, the old den had plenty of shit dumped in it. There was probably a knife already waiting there in the bottom, thrown in after a mugging.

I put the items in my pocket and began my walk. We were due to arrive at roughly the same time. I would leave it all to fate.

There was purpose in my stride as I made my way down the overgrown path at the back of the nearby field. The field had been built at the side of a new housing estate. Below it were further farmers' fields and in between was a no-man's land, with an overgrown wood. They had built a path between it all where people could walk their dogs. A nice walk I'd done on my own when I'd needed time to think in the past. On that path, just a little off to one side was the old den. It'd been there for years. At the back of the path the soil sloped downwards into overgrown shrubbery and trees and set a little bit further back was just one wall of a previous building. What it used to be, I had no idea, but kids had hung around here on occasion and been warned about the dangerous wall. Lena had told me it was rarely used since the fast food places opened up nearby as instead of sitting in the cold, kids could sit with iPads in Maccys. Right now, most children were still at school and so it appeared Marcus was still suspended. The sun had moved behind the clouds and a wind had whipped up that was cool enough to make you need a jumper. Was there ever a full summer's day in the U.K.?

As I approached the turn off towards the den, I could see him. He had beaten me there. I looked at him from between the leaves of a shrub. He was kicking his feet and looking around while chewing the inside of his mouth. Nervous.

Good.

I walked around the corner and approached him. Jesus, here I was with the person responsible for my daughter's death, with no one in sight and tools in my pocket.

Taking my time, I came closer to him. He looked at me and looked away. Of course, I'd changed my appearance since I'd screeched at him on his doorstep.

Behind him was the den. The den where I'd thought I’d listen while he told me his reasons behind bullying my daughter, but now I was here in front of him, watching as he realised it was me and he opened his mouth and said.

"Hello."

My answer for him was in my actions.

I pushed him.

I pushed him with all my force and he stumbled over the tiny two inches of wood marking the edge of the path. He toppled backwards and thudded down the slope landing on a piece of old fence. Old fence covered in rusty barbed wire.

He screamed. A waste of breath as no one could hear it except me, and I wasn't here to help him.

I made my way over the slope and down to him, ready to finish what I'd started.

Marcus was flailing, eyes wide. He was trying to get up, but was wrapped in undergrowth. A quick look at the side of him revealed a broken piece of barbed wire.

Placing my hands in my gloves, I picked it up and I swung it with all my might at his thigh.

His scream was ear-piercing but pointless. I’d make sure to stuff a glove in his mouth though in a moment.

"Stop. P- please s- stop. T- tell y- you s- something." He whimpered.

I smirked down at him. "What is it like to be helpless, Marcus? To the point where you're on the point of extinction?"

"W- what?"

I spoke slowly, in no rush at that moment while adrenaline sparked my insides. "I'm going to kill you, Marcus. Or maybe I'll just cut you and let you bleed out slowly. I haven't decided yet. Actually, that sounds good because I don't know how long it took for Lena to die after she took the pills. Whether it was pain free, or whether it hurt. I know her life wasn't pain free. I know she had to go through mental torture to get to a point where enough was enough."

"Oh my god, oh my g- god."

"You may as well have fed her the pills yourself, Marcus, because that video was the last straw. I don't know why you bullied her and us so much. I'm not sure what you gained from it, but I'm sure you're regretting it now."

He tried to sit up again so I hit him with the wire once more. This time he retched.

"P- please. L- l - listen." He wailed.

"Fine." I stood back from him. "What are your final words, Marcus. I can assure you that they'll die with me, but I really am interested in what you have to say. A sorry might help before you go off to hell."

"B- blackmailed." He huffed out while sweat poured from his forehead. "Th- that's why. V- video of me, couldn't let o- out. It was g- graphic and would have m- made my own life not worth l- living."

Marcus was panting now beneath me, his face white as milk.

"G- grab… my… phone." He pointed to the ground at the side of him where it had fallen out of his hands on his way down and then his head lolled back. Tears rolled down his cheeks as he sobbed in pain. I turned to look at the phone. The screen was clearly broken, and I wasn't sure it would work. Anyway, this was all just a distraction so he could try to escape, try to beg and plead for his pathetic existence.

He raised his head a little and I could see he was close to passing out. "N- not lying. H- help me."

I took the screwdriver out of my pocket. "One false move and this goes through your neck." I informed him. "And if you are lying, I'll stab you twice."

I quickly swept up the phone. "So who's been blackmailing you then? Who will I be going after in your place?"

More sweat beaded on his brow, and he uttered the words. "Sophie Ellender."

Part II

14

MARCUS

Maybe I wasn't ever meant to be happy. Some people were born lucky and on the surface I know it appeared like I'd lucked out.

When my parents had first moved into Berkley Edge, the estate we lived on had been brand new. New build houses with a new build price tag and my father had decided that was the place where we needed to be. From a man who'd owned a second-hand car lot, he'd grown his business until he had a sales showroom on the corner of a local thriving industrial estate. He'd positioned himself to sell expensive cars to the richer people of the surrounding areas, and in Berkley Edge he'd positioned himself in one of the largest houses on the new build estate, setting his stall as one of the most important and to be revered men there.

And as it was at work, it was at home. Mum was meek and did as she was told, and if I played up, I got smacked. Dad was a man's man. A macho, 'don't mess with me or I'll punch your lights out' kind of guy. It was how he succeeded so well in business, letting no one give him the run around, and it was how he failed miserably as a husband and father by being a despicable cunt.

The thing he'd seemed to pass onto me was his lack of height, and my mother had passed on her slight build. My early school days passed without problem. My mother gave me so much attention, because not only did she love me but she also over-compensated for my father, and I went to school showing my intelligence, top of the class and being given lots of praise because of it.

And then senior school started and suddenly all that positive attention from being brainy, turned into negative attention from my peers who were hitting puberty and now each other. Suddenly I was the runt of the litter; called a nerd, gay, and a little bitch, as well as a whole host of cuss words.

The estate we lived on was superseded by more new builds and my father's business did okay. The business got by, but was no longer anything special. No matter what new tactics he tried, he couldn't raise the bar, so instead he raised his hand.

If my grades slipped. Whack.

If he thought I'd chatted back. Thumped.

And he put the fear of God into my mother. If she ever thought of leaving, he said he'd hunt us down and kill us both.

So we stayed.

And I took the grief from school, stayed small and hidden where I could, and suffered when I couldn't, because it was better to receive a taunt from school than a punch from home.

Until my own puberty kicked in.

My mum was small, but her brother and father were not. She'd inherited her own mother's genetics. Suddenly I bypassed my father's traits. Mum showed me some photos saying I looked like my uncle and grandad on her side. We were no longer in touch with family. Dad had cut that off long ago.

And so at fourteen years old, I found myself standing at six foot tall. Suddenly there was no more hiding. Because as my body changed and face altered, girls noticed. I'd always had long lashes and blue eyes but now they added to my features. I'm not being vain to say I was good looking. I wasn't the best looking boy out there, but I was enough to start to be noticed.

And of course my intelligence matured too and I worked out a way to be intelligent and survive. I used my mouth. Dad had taught me how to make people fear you and I found I could do the same. Being tall gave me the confidence to act tougher than I was.

So I still submitted my school work, but when Archie Hadley called me an arse licker, I flipped him the bird and told him it wasn't my fault I was gifted in all areas and then I winked. I flirted with girls I had no interest in, stuck my tongue down their throats even though it made me want to throw up, and found myself no longer a loser. I might be somewhere at the back of the gang of kids who hung around, but I was still there.

When Archie offered me a spliff, I didn't refuse it. When he told me how I could sell it to make some money, I eagerly signed up. I had one aim. Get enough money together so that on my eighteenth birthday I was out of my house and away from my father. Hopefully my mum would come with me, but if not, I was saving myself. And if I ever had kids, I would never treat them the way I'd been treated.

I wasn't proud of my behaviour with Lena Haybrook.

But sometimes we faced choices and we didn't know where they would lead us.

I had one mission. To survive. I didn't know that by doing what I did, someone else wouldn't.

A couple of times our group met up and hung around with Chloe Butcher and her mates. She was always bitching on about Lena. Clearly jealous, she'd moan on to Archie, who'd agree with whatever she said because it'd lead to a blow job for him in the park later on.

Even though I was a year younger, Chloe's friend Tamsin was trying to impress me, wearing increasing amounts of make-up and pushing up her tits in her low cut tops. It did nothing for me. When I thought no one was looking I was checking out guy's arses. Yes, I was gay. I'd known for a long, long time, and it was another daily torment because my father was not only a cunt, he was a homophobic cunt.

I thought no one noticed. That I was discreet, but it appeared that two people did.

It was a Friday teatime and as usual the Berkley Edge teenage population were hanging around fast food joints. I was with Archie and the others in the KFC that was next to the Costa when suddenly one of the lads, Damon, shouted. "Oooh, fight."

We all left our drinks on the tables and charged to the front entrance, piling out onto the concrete front where we watched as Chloe and Lena tried to tear strips out of each other before they were hauled back by their friends. Sophie Ellender had Lena, and Tamsin Doherty had Chloe. Lena had a split lip and Chloe had a rapidly swelling eye.

"You stupid fucking bitch, you'll pay for that." Chloe yelled.

"Wow. Two women fighting is fucking hot." Damon shouted to us.

I nodded my head in agreement, my mind not agreeing at all. In actual fact, I was bored. The guys I hung around with could be fun, but they also could be juvenile and stupid, and though I was a year younger than most, I felt that my life experiences had matured me quicker.

The fight stopped. Lena stomped off towards home, shouting something about Chloe being a crazy bitch and the excitement was all over. Chloe came waltzing over to us.

"Ha. I burned the ends of her stupid hair off. She'll learn who's fucking queen around here."

While Chloe showed off to Archie, my gaze rested on Sophie who was hanging around still, rather than having accompanied her best friend. It struck me as odd, but I soon moved my gaze away when she caught me looking at her and narrowed her eyes in my direction.

Chloe carried on showing off for a bit and then her and her mates went off to 'walk past Lena's house and show her I'm not scared'.

I returned to my boring Friday night. Well I'd thought it was boring at that moment. Now I wish it had stayed that way.

We'd moved on to hanging around the local recreation ground, drinking various bottles of vodka and cans of flavoured cider. I'd had enough to seem chill and be buzzed. I'd offered everyone some weed for free which made me the cool kid. I almost felt like I belonged somewhere. Alcohol and bud mellowing the layer of torment I lived with.

The park was surrounded by houses on two sides but where we sat was halfway down and near a large rock next to the basketball court. A slightly raised hill, we sat undisturbed as barely anyone, except the odd bloke walking his dog, came down at this time of night when it was dark. The neighbours would say we were intimidating. We were just bored kids.

I needed a piss and walked down to where all the trees were. As I approached, I heard hushed female voices and I stopped as I recognised it was Chloe and she was talking to Sophie.

"I still can't believe you burned her hair, you stupid bitch. Her mother could have called the police on you."

"I couldn't help it. I got fucked off."

"You can't go around doing shit like that."

"Feeling guilty are you? Because you're the one who told me she'd been saying I was a thick ho. She thinks she's so fucking perfect, well now she's not. Now, even if only for tonight, her hair's wonky and stinks."

"You need to dial it back because her mum's livid. Especially because you sent that photo of the house. She's taking that personally."

"Look. I'll say a fake sorry, but I did it and right now I'm enjoying my moment. My eye might sting like a bitch, but I finally got to deck her. Now are we done here because I want to get back to the others?"

"Yeah, we're done."

I moved further into the trees and waited until they'd gone before I had my piss. When I returned, Chloe was with the group and Sophie was nowhere to be seen.

I sat back on the grass, laughed with my group at some of them acting like dicks because they were pissed up or bombed until my phone showed me it was time to go home.

Sighing, I got to my feet. "I'm off, I'll see you all tomorrow."

Archie got up. "I'll walk with you up to the trees. I need a piss."

We sauntered away from the group and Archie was chatting on about the fight and then Chloe and Tamsin.

"I'm surprised you didn't go for Tamsin." He said. "Older woman and all that." He laughed.

"She's not my type." I said truthfully. I was ready for home, bored with the whole night.

"Stand nearby while I have a slash, will you?" Archie said.

I turned and fixed him with an 'are you kidding me' look. "You scared of the fucking dark?" I laughed but shaking my head I wandered into the trees with him.

Archie moved closer to me.

"You fancy men, Marc?" He slurred.

My face drained of all colour. "Don't be fucking stupid. I just didn't want to go near that slag." I took a step back, but he grabbed hold of me.

"Suck my cock." He demanded. "I want to see if you do it better than Chloe."

"What? Let go of me. Chill out. I'm not gay and you're not funny." I said, trying to back away, but his grip tightened.

"I'm serious. I don't want a piss. I've got a fucking hard-on after that prick tease Chloe left me hanging and I keep seeing you looking at me weird. You're not the only one who's confused." He said.

"What?"

He lowered his voice. "Do it. I want to know what it's like. If we're not into it after, we don't say anything else about it, okay?"

I forgot about having to be home. Instead, as he opened his jeans and freed his cock, I dropped to my knees.

Unaware I wasn't the only one who could snoop about things.

Elation and fear danced together through my body as I made my way home. The truth that I'd had my first real sexual experience with someone I actually fancied had a triumphant grin cracking across my face. Archie hadn't returned the favour, but he'd said he might text me. I didn't care if he said it would never happen again. It had cemented what I'd thought about myself. That for me it was guys.

And then a voice sounded out behind me and any elation was gone forevermore. "Well, well, well. Thanks for teaching me about how to snoop among the trees, cocksucker."

I froze at hearing Sophie's voice behind me and at the content of her words. Oh no. Oh hell no.

Slowly, I turned around to face her. She stood with a hand on one hip, and the triumphant grin I'd been sporting appeared to have slid off my own face and crawled across the ground and up her body because now she was wearing it.

She waved her phone at me. She'd pressed play. There was a video showing me on my knees…

"Please, Sophie. My dad would beat the shit out of me. He doesn't get it."

"Marcus, don't worry." She said in a fake arse tone. "I don't intend to share it. I just need you to do a few things for me."

I exhaled deeply. "Like what?"

"Like keep your mouth shut about seeing me and Chloe talking and maybe I might need you to make Lena's life harder. Give me your number so I can contact you if I need to."

My forehead wrinkled in confusion. "But I thought Lena was your best mate?"

Sophie seemed to pause for a moment, and then she said. "She is. I don't have to explain myself to you though, do I?"

"No." I said in the tone of someone who had no choice to agree with everything.

"Right," she nodded her head towards my phone. "I'm going to give you Lena's number. You might need that too."

And that was it.

Now I was at Sophie's beck and call.

Because if that video clip went anywhere, I might as well kill myself before my father did it for me, never mind what the teenagers of Berkley Edge's verdicts would be.

By the time I walked into the house, I was almost forty-five minutes late home. My father started the minute I walked in, arms-crossed in the hallway, the whites of his eyes standing out with his rage.

"Where the fuck have you been?"

"One of them was asking me about the business." I lied. "I figured I'd stay back and tell them what we sold, might be a sale in it. I should have phoned. I'm sorry."

"Yeah, you should have. Which one was it?"

"Samuel Bewley." The name slipped straight out of my mouth. He'd vaguely asked once. I'd have to mention the car business again tomorrow to cover my tracks.

"God, you stink of that cannabis again. Go and get straight in the shower."

My dad and his principles. The first time I'd come home stinking of weed, he'd grabbed me by the throat until I'd said I needed to hang around with these kids no matter what they did because they were earning money through it and were the car buyers of tomorrow. Encouraged him that what I was doing was basically keeping my future customers as warm leads. Because my dad thought I'd be coming to work with him, carrying on his legacy, and even potentially taking it to a higher level. And so he tolerated the smell I walked in with clinging to my body, not having a clue that I was dealing it myself and hiding my earnings under my mattress. But for that night at least, I avoided a beating.

The next morning, Sophie told me that Chloe had set up a hate campaign about Lena, but I knew the truth. That it wasn't Chloe at all. But I had to ring Lena and make things even tougher for her. I was glad she had a supportive mum. I didn't like my actions, but I didn't have a choice. So I called her and told her that when I saw her I was going to punch her.

Lena called me a waste of space. She didn't realise it, but I happened to agree with her. Right now, I was nothing but the puppet of what other people wanted me to be. At some point in my life I hoped I would be able to be the real Marcus Bull, but that time was not now. Now, I was a puppet for Sophie and an actor in a play for my dad.

I called Lena again. “You think you’re so fucking clever now, but you’ll not think that when I see you.”

But Lena wasn't on the other end of the phone. Instead, another voice came down the line. “Hello, is that Marcus? This is Lena’s mother. Just to tell you I’m recording this conversation.”

I hung up quickly, shock hitting my system, making me feel sick. For a while, I sat with my head in my hands and then I made a move to grab some breakfast because Archie had texted and the gang were meeting up again this morning. He didn't mention the previous evening and neither would I.

We were strolling down the Main Road and I was listening to Damon making up shit about how he'd escaped a mugging last night on his way home. I don't know why people let him get away with his crap, but we all did. His life was so boring it seemed he had to make up scenarios that made it sound more exciting. He'd always been the same. There'd been more threats to his life than to the entire cast of the soaps that my mum watched every night. But at least it masked the silence from me and most notably from Archie, who wouldn't even look at me. Fine. I'd got some experience and confirmation of my sexuality. I didn't need him. He could add himself to the long list of people who'd disappointed me.

I fell into line with Tamsin instead and winked at her. She winked back. Girls were weird. By the time fifteen minutes had passed she'd arranged to call for me later and had taken a selfie of the two of us, despite the fact I'd spent the previous evening treating her like shit.

We walked past the shops at the top of the main road and suddenly I caught sight of who was inside the shop. Lena. Made sense seeing as Chloe had burned some of her hair off.

I was done being the sheep at the back of this flock, it was time to steal the crown from Archie. If he was going to pretend I didn't exist, then I'd make it that no one saw him anymore.

"Lena's in there, Chloe. Wonder if they do plastic surgery as well?" I winked, getting her on side. She laughed. The group all whooped and hollered as we went past. I'd put my hood up, all us guys had. I yelled, "Ugly bitch," in the direction of the doorway and everyone laughed. Our group got louder.

Then she was there. Lena's mother stood in the doorway, her face full of hatred and rage. She made her way over to Chloe. The rest of us walked on ahead, but I heard her.

“I don’t care what happened last night. You had a fight or whatever, but it’s done now, you hear? I’ve a good mind to give your mum the bill for this haircut. What were you thinking? Anything else and I’ll be talking to your mother, and if I need to, I'll phone the police. We clear?”

I didn't hear Chloe's response as by then we were too far in front, but I could take a large guess that she'd just nodded her agreement. A few minutes later, she caught up with the group.

"Fucking hell, she's a psycho bitch." Chloe huffed. "But I’d better calm things down for a bit, because she's threatened to call my mother and the police."

"We've got better things to do than focus on Lena Haybrook anyway, babe." Tamsin said to her. She'd now threaded her arm through mine.

"I can see what you wanna do." Chloe laughed.

That night I lost my virginity to a sixteen-year-old girl in the same trees where I'd sucked off Archie. I hated every minute of it, but it was a necessary evil.

15

MARCUS

The weeks ticked on. Lena was ignored, after her and Chloe made a tentative truce to just ignore each other. I carried on 'dating' Tamsin, and Archie moved away from our group and made a new set of mates. I took his place. The group now had Chloe and Tamsin and a few other girls in it, and I led the whole thing. I saw Lena and Sophie around, chatting away and giggling like the best friends I'd always thought they were. Sophie didn't contact me and I'd thought it was all behind me. That she'd only wanted the phone calls to cement whatever she'd been up to the night of the fight. I could carry on like this, pretending to date Tamsin and run my crew until I could get away. I didn't like my life, but I didn't loathe it either. I could tolerate it.

But then October rolled around and another phone call from Sophie had me hating myself all over again.

It was a Saturday evening and I'd been lying in bed, listening to Spotify after catching up on homework when my phone rang.

I felt a lump form in my throat as I saw the name on my screen. I'd kept the number under SE, her initials. Dread filled my gut.

I pressed to answer and sighed, trying to brave it out.

"What?" I said in a bored tone.

"I want you to damage Lena's mum's car." She replied.

"What? Don't be ridiculous. Why would you want me to do that?" I sat upright against my headboard.

"You don't need to ask questions. You just need to do it, otherwise I'm showing people my recording."

I scrubbed at my forehead. "When do you want me to do it?"

I listened while she carried on giving me instructions and then she ended the call. Somehow I needed to get to the bottom of why Sophie was doing this and to either reason with her, or get something equally damaging on her, because I had enough crap in my life without her adding to it.

Turned out I'd soon have even more crap in my life…

Tamsin came for Sunday lunch. My mum and dad liked her. Mum fussed over her and Dad elbowed me when we were out of sight with winks—clearly I was a fully-fledged member of his 'all men together' club.

"Don't let her try to boss you about, son. They all do that. Make sure she knows who wears the trousers."

"I will." I agreed though I had no idea what he meant by this. Whether I was supposed to slap her one if she dared to challenge me about anything like he would do.

That night we went around to her house and I texted my dad to see if I could stay a bit longer than usual. His reply was embarrassing. He had no idea what a dick he really was.

Dad: Course you can, son *wink emoticon*, just don't forget to wrap the beast!

I left Tamsin's just after eleven that night, armed with my backpack, and I made my way to Lena's house, my heart beating faster with every step nearer.

Lena's house was on a corner, where large bushes in the garden obscured the view of passers-by, so I was able to pause there for a moment, checking around to see if anyone had noticed me. There was no one around. It was a cold winter's evening and people were tucked up warm. I wished I was. My stomach hurt. Fucking nerves; I needed a shit. While I delayed doing what Sophie had demanded it got worse and worse. For fuck's sake. What was I supposed to do? Run back home? I needed the toilet, but I had to damage the car. I didn't want to do it, but I had to. And then I had an idea. The most horrendous thing imaginable, but this way Sophie would surely be okay with my actions and Lena's mum wouldn't actually have to suffer a damaged car. And it took away the fact I needed the bog.

Pulling my hood up so that no one could make out it was me, I slipped into the driveway and crouched down in front of the car. My shit slid out easily because of nerves. It was putrid. I couldn't believe I'd just crapped on someone's driveway, but I needed to get this done and get home before someone saw me. I went in my backpack. I'd packed a pointy-ended trowel which was the only thing I'd managed to buy from the Asda that morning—when I'd fetched my dad a Sunday paper—that was sharp enough to do some damage to a car's paintwork. Instead I used it to smear my shit across the windscreen.

It wasn't my finest moment, but it wasn't the worst moment of my life either. I packed everything up and walked back via the back lanes where overgrown hedges and fields yielded the perfect place for me to discard the trowel. I sprayed myself with Lynx in the hope that when I went in the house I didn't stink of shit given I couldn't exactly wipe my arse.

I messaged Sophie.

Marcus: I've done something. I think it's better than car damage.

Her reply came swiftly back. SE: What did you do? You SHOULD do exactly what I asked. If you fucked up, the vid goes out.

Marcus: I didn't fuck up.

I messaged what I'd done.

SE: Oh man. You're a sick fuck, Marcus. But you can crack on with your sad life now hopefully.

I breathed a hopeful sigh. Did this mean she was going to leave me alone now? Had I done enough?

I barely slept that night for fear someone would have seen me and recognised me. At school the following day, there was no talk of what had happened at all. I breathed a sigh of relief. It looked like I'd gotten away with it.

On Tuesday though I was walking down a corridor when I felt someone behind me. Too close to my personal space.

"What the fuck have I ever done to you, Marcus?"

I swung around to find myself facing Lena. Oh fuck.

"What are you talking about?" I put a sneer on my face.

"I recognised your clothes. I know it was you. Are you sick in the head?"

People were starting to make their way towards us. I didn't want anyone seeing me being yelled at. It wouldn't do my rep much good.

I was saved by her best friend coming to her rescue. Sophie appeared by her side. "What's going on?" She stared at me, eyes narrowed, obviously wondering if I'd grassed her up.

"I'm just telling this little shit, I know it's him. Little shit being the right word. I've never done anything to you, leave me alone."

"He's not worth it, Len." Sophie hooked her arm through her friend's, then she spun around to me. "You're disgusting. You'd better leave her the fuck alone from now on."

I stood there, silent. Just letting Sophie do her acting performance. They walked away, and I went back to my classes.

The next week passed without anything else happening, though I was permanently on watch. I took my annoyance out on Tamsin, telling her to fuck off being a clinger, and got shouted at by Chloe.

I was waiting for my mum to call me down for tea the following Tuesday night. It had been nine days since I'd visited Lena's house.

"Marcus." My mum's voice hollered up the stairs.

"I'll be down in a minute." I yelled. "Just finishing this game."

I heard her footsteps come up the stairs. Fuck's sake, why couldn't she just let me come to the table in a few minutes? It was my meal that would go a bit colder. A knock came to the door.

"What?" I shouted, snappily.

The door opened a fraction. "Can you come down, Marcus? The police are here." She said, looking at me with concern.

Oh fuck.

"W- what about?" I asked.

"Some incident with a car. I need to let them in. Come straight down and thank God your father is not home from work yet." Her gaze met mine with a shrewdness, like she was trying to get a read on me. "Is there anything I need to know about?"

"No." I protested. "I haven't done anything." I would protest my innocence until proved otherwise. She left the room and I composed myself, made sure I was looking presentable and I walked downstairs.

The two Feds looked up at me from their seats with assessing gazes. That's what my group called them, Feds. My mother was on the sofa and the Feds had taken a chair each. The clock showed it was just gone five. My dad would be home after six. If I'd bothered checking the time before, I'd have known my mum wasn't shouting me for tea.

But I'd been brought up with manners and so I stood straight, walked to the first Fed and said, "Hello, I'm Marcus," and I held out a hand for her to shake.

She took it and I saw the look that passed between her and the other Fed. The one that said, this is not a boy who defecates on cars. This is a nice boy who was brought up well. They were so stupid.

"I'm sorry to have to disturb you, Marcus. Sounds like you were at a crucial part of a game. Xbox?" The first Fed said introducing herself as PC Tayburn.

"Yeah." I smiled. "Don't worry about it. I just thought my tea was ready."

She laughed along with me and told me how she had a kid my age.

"So what can I help you with? Is everything okay? Is it about the fight I witnessed a week last Friday?" I asked innocently.

"We're not sure, that's what I'm hoping you might be able to help us with." The Fed answered. "Basically, there was an incident on Sunday evening at Lena Haybrook's house. That's the young lady who was in an argument with another girl called Chloe, right?"

I nodded.

"CCTV shows a youth defecating in front of Lena's mother's car and then they proceed to wipe the faeces across her windscreen."

Inside I froze. CCTV? Fuck, she had CCTV? But outwardly, I stayed calm because until PC Tayburn said they knew a hundred percent it was me, I could lie to myself and say it wasn't. That I never did that. Because the real me wouldn't have ever done that.

My mum gave me the few seconds I needed to pull myself together inwardly as she launched a screech at the Fed. "And how do you think my son is connected to that? He'd never do any such thing. He's been brought up right. He's the top in his class with his whole future ahead of him. He wouldn't be so stupid."

"Marcus?" The Fed turned to me.

"I'm sorry. I don't know anything about it. No one at school has mentioned anything about that happening either." Another lie given that Lena had accused me outright.

"Mrs Haybrook said she recognised you."

Sitting up straighter, I looked directly from one Fed to the other before returning my attention to PC Tayburn and speaking softly. "I don't even know her. I've only seen her once outside the hairdressers the Saturday after the fight when she came out shouting and bawling at me and my friends."

"She did what?" My mum said and I made what happened sounded like the antics of a madwoman.

The Fed was clearly done here, and her colleague had looked bored the moment she'd arrived. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. I can see you're a nice young man, but I'm sure you understand I have to ask these questions. I'll leave you to get back to your game now."

"It's no problem and if I do hear any rumours about who might have done it, I'll let you know. You wouldn't say where you got the info from, would you?"

"No, of course not." She replied.

My mum dismissed me and I heard her read the riot act with the policewomen for even suggesting such a thing. She would not want them back anywhere near here for what consequences could be unleashed from my father and in her eyes I was a well-behaved son.

When they'd gone she came back up to my room. "Don't mention any of this to your dad."

"I won't."

She nodded. "And stay away from that Lena girl because her mother is clearly unhinged."

"She is. You should have seen her outside the hairdressers. Fancy telling the police it was me. As if I'd do anything like that."

My mum's jaw set taut. "If she does anything else, I'll make a complaint against her. She can't start accusing you of things without any evidence. That CCTV showed a kid in dark clothes. Could have been anyone."

"Thanks, Mum, for believing me."

She nodded. "Right, I'd better get on with the tea now, or your dad will be on one."

She closed the door, and I went back to my Xbox game, although my heart was no longer in it.

16

MARCUS

Every time I thought Sophie had stopped, she'd be back with something else for me to do. After three months it was to put a brick through the window of Lena's home. I dared Damon to do that one. I promised him a bag of bud if he dared, so of course he did.

Then she wanted me to threaten Lena on a daily basis, so I kept having to go up to her and whisper threats. I had to be careful because I didn't want anyone else knowing what I was doing, so I did it on nights where Tamsin stayed behind for extra study classes. Lena never went to them.

One minute I was threatening Lena Haybrook, the next I was the good little student, the perfect boyfriend, and the goody goody son. None of it was real. None of it.

My parents had gone shopping one night when the doorbell rang. Mum'd told me the window cleaner might call round, so I picked up the envelope she'd left on the side and opened the door.

Mrs Haybrook stood in front of me.

It was the first time I'd seen her up close. I bet she'd been pretty when she was younger, but it was hard to see now through the bitterness nipping at her eyes and mouth. Wrinkles were beginning to eat at her face and grey peeked at her hairline. I threw the envelope onto the window ledge. I needed rid of her before my parents came back or Dad might find out about all the trouble and then me and Mum would be for it.

“Yeah?” I asked.

“Is your mum or dad in? I’m Lena Haybrook’s mother.”

“They’re not here, they’ve gone shopping. But I didn’t do anything, so—”

She started screaming and yelling at me. Spittle flying from her lips. “Listen here, Marcus. I know for a fact it was you. We recognised you. Hiding behind a hood shows you for the pathetic fucker you are."

Her rant went on at a hundred miles an hour and I only half listened as my eyes were fascinated by how crazy this woman looked now, when she'd first appeared at the door angry but composed.

"Listen to me, lad. This ends here today. Believe me, you do not want me as an enemy and the day you fouled my car and broke my window you took this from being about just my daughter and involved me in it all. Stay the fuck away from us, otherwise you’ll regret it. Do you understand?”

She didn't give me a chance to answer. She turned, stomped off, got back in her car and drove away. I'd be lying if I said it didn't make my stomach twist, but the fact remained that Lena's mother's wrath would not be anywhere near that of my father's, so I wouldn't be stopping anytime soon. Not until Sophie finished this vendetta or at least kept me out of it.

But that didn't seem like it was going to happen in the foreseeable. Next, Sophie wanted me to make Lena and her mother anxious in their own home again and so the following week I started walking past their house with my friends. Nothing else, just back and forth. There was a field near the end of their road that was part of a walking route and so no one would question a group of teens going in that direction, walking down the path and coming back. Sophie said Mrs Haybrook was constantly watching the monitors and it would wind her up. I still didn't know what Sophie was achieving with any of this. All I knew was that I had to tread carefully while doing her bidding as that footage of me with Archie's cock in my mouth could not get out. Soon, Sophie and Lena would be sitting their exams and leaving and I just had to hope that when that happened Sophie moved on from me.

Once again, I came face-to-face with Mrs Haybrook as she ran down the street after me and my boys had just walked past. This time she was holding her phone up towards my face. The rest of the boys sniggered and Damon yelled, "Crazy bitch."

"Could you tell my camera why you won't leave us alone?" She asked me.

I put a smirk on my face. I couldn't have my mates laughing at me. Then I moved closer to her.

"You can't record me. You need to delete that."

"No, I won't. I want you to tell me what you think you're doing." She said. I needed her away from me.

"If you don't stop recording me, I'll make sure you have something else to occupy your time." I sneered. I was confident that if she showed the police this video, she'd be facing a doctor and a series of questions about her mental health given she was chasing teenagers down a street. She wasn't aware but Damon was recording her yelling at us.

She held her phone down. "Thanks, you little fucker. Threatening me and giving me the evidence of it. That's great. I'll just go phone the police now and you can look forward to a visit."

She rushed back towards her house and I played along with being cool about it all while inside my stomach churned because I felt that something would snap soon. I couldn't keep on with this stuff and continue to get away with it. It wasn't how life worked, not my life anyway. It was all a ticking timebomb.

One that went off in a way I'd never expected.

The Easter holidays rolled around and the last time I'd been involved with the Haybrooks was a few days after my confrontation with Lena's mum when Damon had the idea to throw a bag of plain flour over her car in retaliation for her 'showing us up in the street'. He'd since told me he'd also scratched her car and I'd told him to leave it now. That we should quit while ahead.

I'd had no visits from the police and so it seemed that for once luck had actually been on my side.

I was going to get myself a taco when I spied Sophie and Lena making their way into the building before me.

Shit. I tried to turn around to go in the other direction, but Sophie came running up to me. I looked behind her. Lena headed into Taco Master and I saw her grab a seat, watching us.

"You okay, Marcus?" Sophie said.

"I was." I answered honestly. "Now, I'm not so sure."

"Meaning?"

I got angry then. My frustration with all of her blackmail and game playing was filling me up like a volcano on the point of rupture. "Sophie, are we nearly done? I've been following your instructions like a good little puppet now for long enough, and if I end up with the police at my door then I may as well just tell my dad everything because he'll beat the fucking shit out of me anyway."

"Yeah." She said arrogantly. "I'm done with you now. You're free. Go in and enjoy your taco. Thanks for being my bitch, but I don't need you anymore.

"And the video of me?"

"Well, obviously, I'll keep it safe, but I promise you've earned your freedom." She looked at me with what appeared like genuine remorse on her face. "I'm sorry it had to be this way and I hope that if you do like guys, you get to live a happy life with some dude somewhere down the line."

"You're crazy." I yelled.

She shrugged her shoulders. "I'm just doing what I need to do to make sure my own life turns out okay." She turned and went back into the shop. After a few minutes I went and got my own taco. Sophie stood behind me in the queue. I was aware of her the whole time she was there. I looked at her with a pissed off look on my face because it still felt like she was playing me somehow and I walked out of the shop the minute I'd been served.

I thought I'd worked out why she didn't need me anymore on Thursday when a video of Lena losing her virginity to a lad called Lee Swinton went viral around the teenagers of Berkley Edge and the surrounding areas. I didn't know how she'd managed to get hold of that, but it had been sent by a random account and I had no doubt she was behind it.

Damon wanted to walk past Lena's house. I tried to make out we had better things to do, but the rest of the boys were up for it, for winding Lena up, so as 'leader', I had to put my sneer on my face and act the part.

We reached the house. I could see Lena's top bedroom window was open. Damon shouted, "Show us your tits, Lena," at the top of his voice and everyone else laughed, including me. I had to, or they'd think I was being weird.

Of course, Lena's mother was out of the door by the time we got to the end of the road. "The madwoman's here," Damon laughed. I saw the others looking at him sniggering. My turn to act like the leader of this lot.

"God, she's here. The wicked witch." I shouted. The others laughed, whooped, and hollered.

"One day, you'll get yours." She shouted up the street.

I put my best sneer on my face. "What are you going to do, old lady? Shout me to death?"

She looked up at us for a moment and then surprisingly, she turned and walked back to the house. Like she'd given up. I carried on walking around the estate, listening to the idiots I hung around with who were so entertained because they'd seen Lena naked. I hated them more every day. Hated this life more every day. But every day that passed was a step closer to freedom. I had to remember that.

Poor Lena. School on Monday would be hell for her. I wondered once more what Sophie's reasons were for all of this, and at what point she was going to stop.

But as it transpired, Lena wouldn't face anyone the next week at school.

Because on Friday morning the news broke out across our social media. Lena Haybrook was dead.

The message was posted in our group chat by Chloe. I'd picked my phone up because it wouldn't quit beeping and then I sat up fast. I read it over and over; maybe I thought if I stared at it long enough the words would change to say something else? Was this what Sophie had wanted? To drive Lena to suicide?

I found myself over the toilet retching. Picking up my phone, I messaged Sophie.

Marcus: What the actual fuck? Did you want her to die?

She didn't respond. No doubt the phone she'd used to message me was a cheap shit burner and it was now somewhere no one would ever find it. And that benefited me as much as it did her.

Guilt roiled through my stomach as I recalled everything I'd ever done to Lena or her mother. She'd killed herself. That's what Chloe had posted in our chat. Her mother knew the Haybrooks' neighbour. She'd heard the ambulance driver, or some shit like that. Speculation that would no doubt grow into made up stories.

All I knew was I felt sick. Was sick. Guilty and sick. But there would no doubt be many feeling the same way: Chloe, Tamsin, Damon. They'd all targeted Lena at some point. And most definitely Sophie Ellender.

My mind started flashing with thoughts of Lena's mum. She'd found Lena dead. All she'd done I knew was try to protect her daughter.

The daughter she no longer had.

Would she come to my door on one of her rants yelling that I’d done it?

I might not have killed Lena directly, but my guilt swirled within me. Would be in the ink of a suicide note, the fibres of a rope, a tablet or two of a bottle of pills. However she'd done it, I was partly responsible.

My mother found me over the toilet. "What's the matter, love? Do you have a temperature?"

I told her about Lena and her face went white. "Oh my goodness, that poor girl, and her mum. I know she got bullied a bit, but to go to those lengths. It doesn't bear thinking about." She passed me a tumbler of water to rinse my mouth. "There'll be people like Chloe feeling very guilty today, but they mustn't. You need to tell her that. People's minds can't be right anyway for them to get to that stage."

"Someone circulated a video of her losing her virginity." I told her, because she'd get to know soon anyway.

She gasped at that. "What on earth was someone doing videoing such a thing?" She shook her head. "I hope her mum has a lot of family and friends around her. She's going to need them."

When she checked I didn't need anything else, she patted my head like I was a poorly youngster again and when she left I closed my eyes and wished I could take the time back to when I was and that I could do my life all over again and make different choices.

Because the ones I'd made now had led to a girl's death.

A girl who, as far as I knew, had never actually done anything wrong except to trust the wrong people.

Two weeks later they held her funeral. Some kids from school attended including Chloe Butcher. There was no sign of Lee unsurprisingly. The rumours were that he was ill, but I doubted he'd be welcome anyway. Chloe was apparently insisting that at Prom they gave a toast to Lena and let off balloons. I was pleased I was in the year below and wouldn't have to witness any of it.

Chloe tried to extend a hand of friendship to Sophie. She told us all. But Sophie was broken, she said. No one saw Sophie for a few weeks and when Tamsin actually did, she'd been in the supermarket with her mum, morose, and saying she didn't know how to cope without her friend.

The weeks passed and exams started for those in the last year of school. Sophie returned to take her exams. I only saw her a couple of times from a distance. She kept her head down as if trying to look invisible. I recognised the stance as I'd done it myself lots of times in the past.

Tamsin finished with me as she started sitting her exams. We'd been toxic anyway. Always arguing. And I'd cared for her as a friend, but I'd never felt anything else for her. In turn it seemed she'd used me too. Helped fit into the gang until the end of school came around. She also rolled out the excuse about Lena's death having made her look at her own life. She'd decided she wanted more, which translated as, than hanging around street corners with a fourteen-year-old who sells weed and whose dad owns a car showroom.

My own exam year would be next, but now the school holidays were almost upon us, and all I could think was I didn't want all that much space ahead of me with nothing to fill it except the mindless drivel that came out of Damon's mouth.

But life hadn't finished fucking with me yet.

17

MARCUS

Life continued as normal. It seemed like you should live your life differently after someone you knew died, but only those directly affected live that way really. The only difference was that I no longer had a girlfriend and Damon couldn't stop talking about a girl he'd met through Snapchat.

We were sitting in my bedroom and he was boring me about her once more. I took his phone off him and stared at the picture of Elise. She looked like any other girl we knew on her photo, ie tons of make-up and posing. "You've got no chance." I wound him up, "she's not gonna let you smash her."

"Jealous, cos you're on your own now?" He jeered. It made me realise that something was changing. Damon was getting cockier by the day. When he'd thrown the brick and the flour he'd acted like he'd shot someone at point blank range. He seemed to be dealing with what happened to Lena by trying to act like he was some kind of gangsta. Part of me wanted to let him take over and for me to fade into the background again.

"Nah. I can get pussy any time I like, mate." I handed him his phone back. Elise had friend requested me, but I'd hesitated to accept. I liked my circle small. Didn't want to do anything that could change things.

Forgetting change was inevitable.

I was eating my cereal at the dining table one morning while staring at my phone. Dad said goodbye and went out of the front door. A moment later he was back, crashing through to where I sat, a vein bulging on his temple.

What the…?

Mum noticed the signs and came dashing over. "What's up, Peter?"

"What's up?" He said, his breath coming in sharp pants. "Let's all go outside and see, shall we?"

He yanked me out of my seat by my arm. It jarred and sent a pain shooting up to my armpit as he dragged me to the door, only letting go when he spotted someone walking down the street, looking towards us.

And then he pointed to the side of his car where someone had carved the words: MARCUS IS SCUM.

I reeled back. Who the hell would do this? I didn't have any enemies as far as I knew. Was it Sophie? Had she cracked up? Was it Lena's mother? She hated me. Fuck, she might do this. My mind was running ten to the dozen. Word on the street was Carla Haybrook had moved away. It wouldn't be her. But, fuck, if it was then how did I stop her?

Terror threatened at the corners of my mind. Once more, Marcus Bull did not get to breathe and be a teenager. He had to suffer. I only had to look at my dad's face to know a punishment was coming.

"So, who've you fucked off?" My dad said in a low, menacing tone that the neighbours couldn't hear.

"No one. I haven't done anything."

"You must know something about it. Who've you upset this time?" His voice rose as he finally lost it with me. "Someone carved my fucking car up. Do you have any idea how much that's going to cost to repair?"

"I've already told you that I've done nothing." I yelled back. I shouldn't have yelled. I knew the moment I did it, that I'd pay for my insolence.

"People don't damage cars for no reason." Dad snarled.

"Peter, let's talk about this inside now." My mother had noticed that Dad's temper had risen and that the neighbours were at their windows.

We all walked inside and my dad stepped towards me. My mum begged, "Just go to work, Pete, and let's talk about this when we've all calmed down, yeah? Maybe we'll know who did it by then."

He grabbed her by the throat. "You don't tell me what to do. I rule this house." He pushed her away and then he grabbed me, threw me to the floor and kicked me in the stomach hard. I curled up, almost blacking out through the pain. My dad left, slamming the door behind him and my mum rushed over, tears tracking down her cheeks.

"Oh, Marcus. Are you okay?"

She stayed with me until I could sit up again. "You need to sort whatever this is." She said. "We have to keep him calm."

"I honestly don't know who can have done it, Mum." I lied.

"Marc, you need to pass those exams, get a good job, and get as far away as possible." She told me.

"I'll get us both away." I said. "I promise."

"I should be able to protect you, but he… he." I found myself comforting my mum now. We sat on the floor for a few minutes speaking without words, and then I got up and got ready for school.

Once more Damon went on and on about Elise and how she was going to do this, that, and the other. So that night I accepted her friend request. Part of me wanted to steal her away from him, just to show him that life kicks you in the stomach, just when you think you're getting a break. Then I posted to anyone who might be watching my account: 'Pussies shouldn't hide'.

Dad got his car repaired and as one of the youngest in my year I had my fifteenth birthday. And because of the car repair, he said I got nothing. No celebration with my mates, no money for my birthday. If it made him feel like a man, then whatever. I had my own money. Bought my boys a Maccy's and shrugged off the idea of anything else saying it was cringe. Dad told me that some of my birthday money had gone towards a camera for the car. That if anyone did anything else he'd have them on camera.

Sad fuck. I knew how that worked. If people didn't want to be seen, they wouldn't. The days passed and with every one I waited for something else to happen and then one morning it did. Horse shit all over the car windscreen and a note stuck in the middle saying:

Marcus Went Too Far

Marcus Will Pay.

But I was one step ahead this time. I'd gotten up early. Every morning now, I got up early to check. I cleaned the car down and destroyed the note. Told my dad I couldn't sleep so I'd washed his car. He looked at me funny.

As he got in the car to set off, I saw him check the camera. I held my breath, waiting to see if the motion sensor had been set off. If so, I was screwed.

"Fucking piece of shit thing. It's not working. I'll have to get Cliff to look at it. Amazon said this was the top one. Obviously paid for reviews."

He drove off and I closed my eyes while my breathing steadied itself. I needed to talk to Sophie because this had to stop.

I knew where she lived so I made excuses to my boys about going to the dentists and set off instead to her house. Chloe had been a daily source of knowledge about the aftermath of Lena's death, and I knew that Sophie's mum worked but was still very worried about her and trying to get her to enrol on the college course she'd wanted to do.

Peering through the window, I could see Sophie on the sofa in her living room, scrolling on her phone. I tapped gently. She jumped, turned to the window and her eyes widened. Then she ran to the door, opening it and looking around.

"What the fuck are you doing here?"

"You wouldn't answer my messages, so I had to come here. We might have a problem."

"Come in." She said and stepping back, she let me past.

I told her about what had been happening and she scrubbed a hand through her hair. "Fucking hell. Look, I'll contact Carla and if it is her, I'll get her to stop, okay? Don't worry about it. Just make sure you stick to not saying a word. Otherwise I'll add to your stress by circulating the video."

"Stop threatening me." I went on the attack. "I've told you I won't rat you out. Just check if it's Mrs Haybrook because I don't know who else would do this, but my dad is using me as football practice."

She hung her head. "I'll sort it. Listen, I'll get a new phone and message you, okay? I've got your number written down."

"You destroyed the other one?"

Dead eyes looked back at me. "What do you think?"

A few moments passed where there was silence between us and we just stood there. "Why did you do it, Sophie?"

As she looked at me her eyes filled with tears. "She wasn't meant to die." She said. "I was just supposed to live."

As I opened my mouth to ask her what she meant, her eyes turned cold. "Now get out, Marcus. You can't be here."

I told the group chat about the shit on the windscreen and asked them to keep it quiet, but if they heard anything about who could have done it to let me know. They ribbed me, calling BullShit, funny fuckers, but no one knew anything. I became more paranoid, but nothing else happened. Maybe it had been Carla Haybrook and maybe those two things were her revenge on my own actions. I’d understand if it was.

"Elise is coming over in the holidays and she's asked if my house will be free, so you know what that means." Damon elbowed me. He'd been to our house for tea and now we were in my room.

"That she clearly has a disability with her vision?" I quipped.

"Fuck off, you're just jealous. No one can ever have a better life than Marcus Bull," Damon said bitterly. "Right, I'd better get home now." He left my house and I watched him walk down the street from my bedroom window.

He was fucking me off big time. Getting louder with every day that passed. He'd started giving me shit about things I'd put about him on social media. I blamed this Elise. Fucking meddling girls. It was banter. It'd never bothered him before her.

I wished she'd fuck off and incredibly I got my wish because idiot Damon sent her a dick pic and she sent her mother to his house. He was instantly sent for by his mother and grounded, but when he called me he said that his mother had told him to pass on that Elise's mum had said I'd been hitting on her and I should stop.

"That's not cool, bruh. I'd never do that to you. Thought you had my back?"

"Ask her for fucking proof. I've not done anything. Bitch is crazy." I replied.

When I ended the call, I messaged Elise.

Marcus: What's your mother going on about? I never sent you any messages about us two. I don't know you.

She replied. Elise: I don't know what you're talking about.

So she was playing it like that, was she?

Marcus: Damon's mum told him you'd said I needed to stop messaging you. You're clearly some crazy bitch. Consider yourself blocked.

I wasn't prepared for what came next.

Elise: Whatever. Damon sent me a dick pic. He's obviously now trying to make out like I'm the crazy chick. Lost any money lately, Marcus?

Marcus: I don't know what you're talking about. I answered, but while I waited for her to type a reply, I lifted up my mattress. My money was gone. All of it. I grabbed the phone and looked at her reply.

Elise: I know we were going on a date and he wanted to impress me and he said you owed him and he knew where you kept some cash.

Marcus: He wouldn't do that. He's my mate. I typed back furiously.

Elise: Then how come I know you have five hundred pounds missing from under your bed? Goodbye Marcus, consider yourself blocked.

She'd thrown my words back in my face and now my anger pulsed through my body. My fists clenched at the same time as I felt on the edge of just giving up. My money was gone. I was never going to escape this life of pain, not unless I did a Lena Haybrook and I didn't have the guts to do that. Not only that, but I was still convinced that one day I could walk away from all this. It just wasn't anytime soon.

I barely slept a wink as the realisation that Damon could be behind everything came to me. He could have scratched the car. He certainly could have thrown the manure. But then again, I'd not told him about what I’d done to Lena and her mother.

I felt like I could trust no one but myself.

One thing was clear though. The only person who had been in my room since the money was there and then not was Damon.

I spent the whole night before I finally managed to sleep feeling like I was being eaten up inside with torment and rage. How could he do this to me?

As soon as I saw him just inside the school gates, I pulled him to one side.

"Mate, where's my money? Elise ain't coming now, so if you haven't spent it, I want it fucking back."

Damon sneered at me. "What drugs you taken this morning? Cos they're bad."

"She told me. Said you took the money."

"Well she's a lying bitch." Damon had now rolled up his sleeves.

My breath was tensing, being held inside my body like a volcano on the point of eruption.

"How the fuck do you explain how someone I've never met knew where my fucking money was kept then, shithead? I want it back. Every fucking penny."

"I've no idea, but I know one thing. You're becoming a fucking loser, mate." He tapped at his temple. "And a nutjob."

That was it. White-hot rage flashed within me and I pulled back my arm and punched him straight in the face. He hit the ground hard just as teachers came running.

"Marcus Bull. Come with me." The Assistant Head demanded, pulling my arm. It reminded me too much of my father and so I pushed him off me, glaring, but I followed him back into school.

I got suspended and as I sat there waiting for my mum or dad to come collect me from the office, I realised I'd officially just turned into my father, beating someone to give me an answer. Damon had sworn it wasn't him. Maybe my dad had found my money and put it towards his 'Marcus' fuck-ups fund'. I felt like I was coming apart at the seams. If I had my father's traits deep down inside me then I didn't want them. It was, I thought, my worst nightmare.

Huh. I'd yet to meet my worst nightmare.

When my dad collected me from school, he first was called into the Head's office without me. I knew I'd be in for a beating for embarrassing him. I thought about running away, but I had nowhere to go and no money now to help me.

The silence as we walked back to his car made me feel sick to my stomach and then once he'd started driving, all of a sudden Dad pulled off into a side street. Oh fuck.

Then my sick fuck father actually high-fived me for being suspended for fighting and said I was following a family tradition. That he'd been suspended when he was at school for the same thing. I just sat grateful that for once my body wouldn't sting from where he'd hit or kicked me.

My relief was short-lived as a brick was thrown through Damon's mum's windscreen and my ring was found at the side of it. I was being set up, but by who?

When she called Mum, we went around to her house, in order to try to prevent Dad learning about it. I sat in Damon's living room and told Mrs Caruthers how Damon had stolen my 'pocket money', seeing as I couldn't say it was five hundred fucking quid. I told her he had taken my ring, and was setting me up. She argued back protecting her son and I reminded her that her son liked to send dick pics on social media and wasn't to be trusted.

Seeing the conversation was going around in circles, our mums agreed we should just avoid each other. That wouldn't prove difficult. My friendship with Damon was over, that was for sure.

"What is happening to you lately, Marcus?" My mum asked me before she said goodnight. "You need to keep out of trouble so that—"

"So that what, Mum? So that Dad doesn't try to beat the crap out of either of us? He liked it when I punched Damon. He's sick in the head."

"Sssh." Fear lit up my mum's features and I realised just how at risk she was if I shouted too loudly.

"I'm sorry, Mum. I'll sort myself out."

She breathed a sigh of relief, her shoulders falling down to normal levels, instead of being around her ears.

"Thank you. It's just until you can go."

I nodded, and she left and closed the door.

The following week while still suspended from school, I found myself walking past Lena's house. I spotted Carla's car outside. I wondered how she was doing. She'd been a bit batshit, but she'd never deserved to lose her daughter. I was sorry and although I didn't think she'd care, I just wanted her to know. Don't ask me what possessed me, but I walked back across the street to the supermarket, bought a plain card with a flower on and a pen and I wrote it out, leaning on the lottery station in the store.

I am sorry about Lena.

So very sorry.

MB.

Before I stuck it through the letterbox, I asked myself what I hoped to achieve. Why I felt I should do this.

And it came to me.

I'd wronged her and I wanted her to shout and scream at me for what I'd put her through and put Lena through.

Before I could change my mind, I posted it through the letterbox, and I waited.

Not long after I posted it, I received a Snapchat message. Immediately, I wondered how she knew my username.

Probably through Sophie. But then I just felt I didn't know anything anymore.

Carla: I got the card. Thank you.

Thank you? I wasn't expecting that response from her. Then again, I didn't know what I'd set in motion by my actions really. I typed back.

Marcus: I never thought Lena would do that. I know you don't give two shits about me, but I'm sorry. Whoever sent that video went too far.

I waited as she typed a response.

Carla: Would you meet me, to talk about Lena? Just anything you like really. I'm in Berkley Edge now and then I'm leaving for good. Somewhere private like near the old den? I promise I won't keep you long.

Was this what I wanted? To speak to Carla face-to-face. I hesitated and typed.

Marcus: I don't know what I can tell you really.

More typing from the other end.

Carla: You could say sorry to my face, rather than through cowardly words on a piece of card. That would mean a lot. Give me some closure and then you won't have to see me again.

Was this why I'd sent the card? To try and get some closure for myself? To make sense of what had happened over the past few months and try to get my own quietish life back where all that happened was people spat and shoved at me and called me names?

Marcus: Okay. I'll be there in around fifteen minutes.

I started to walk back towards where Carla's house was, but I took the longer way around, walking down a backstreet. My heart thudded and my mouth went dry, because I had absolutely no idea what would happen. I just hoped she'd listen and that we could indeed tell the truth. Well, I couldn't tell her about Sophie, but I could tell her I was an idiot. I just had to make sure she didn't record me.

I'd not been standing at the meeting place for long when a woman walked down the path towards me, but I didn't realise it was her until she got closer. Her hair was different and she'd put on weight. I took a deep inhale and said, "Hello."

Her answer for me was in her actions.

She rushed at me and pushed me backwards. It was completely unexpected and I sailed back, down the short embankment. My legs and back scraped as I fell past the shrubs and the breath wheezed from me as I landed on something hard.

It hurt and I was scared, so I screamed. I could see Carla sliding down the slope towards me and I just knew she didn't want my apology. She wanted to hurt me, the way my dad hurt me. I could take it. I took it from him. But I didn't like being stuck in this undergrowth, so I tried to sit up.

Oh my god, she was wearing gloves. Why was she wearing gloves? I saw too late when she grabbed at the piece of barbed wire and as it hit my thigh the pain was so excruciating that for a moment my hearing disappeared and white light blinded my vision. I needed words. I gasped for air.

"Stop. P- please s- stop. T- tell y- you s- something."

She smirked down at me. "What is it like to be helpless, Marcus? To the point where you're on the point of extinction?"

"W- what?" The pain. I needed to stay present. Please God, please. I felt so nauseous.

She leaned closer to me and whisper-shouted. "I'm going to kill you, Marcus. Or maybe I'll just cut you and let you bleed out slowly. I haven't decided yet. Actually, that sounds good because I don't know how long it took for Lena to die after she took the pills. Whether it was pain free or whether it hurt. I know her life wasn't pain free. I know she had to go through mental torture to get to a point where enough was enough."

"Oh my god, oh my god."

"You may as well have fed her the pills yourself, Marcus, because that video was the last straw. I don't know why you bullied her and us so much. I'm not sure what you gained from it, but I'm sure you're regretting it now."

I tried one last time to sit up, but she hit me with the barbed wire once more. This time I did retch.

"P- please. L- l - listen." I wailed.

"Fine." She stood up and from the edge of my consciousness I could see her face was composed. This was her swansong to me, her finale. "What are your final words, Marcus? I can assure you that they'll die with me."

"B- blackmailed." I screamed out, because my sexuality being revealed was preferable to death. "Th- that's why. V- video of me, couldn't let o- out. It was g- graphic and would have m- made my own life not worth l- living." I was running out of breath to plead, so instead my eyes looked around me wildly, searching for an escape, an answer. The pain wouldn't let me speak much longer. I spotted my phone in the undergrowth. The screen was cracked and I could only hope it worked. It didn't prove it was Sophie, but it showed the blackmail. That I was telling the truth. "G- grab my phone."

Her eyes narrowed on me.

"N- not lying. H- help me."

Carla took a screwdriver out of her pocket. Oh my fucking god.

"One false move and this goes through your neck." She told me. "And if you're lying, I'll stab you twice."

But she did reach for the phone and when she did, I closed my eyes because I was just about out of options other than to pray.

"So who's been blackmailing you then? Who will I be going after in your place?" She asked.

Sweat beaded on my brow, but I just managed to utter the words, "Sophie Ellender," and then it all went black.

18

CARLA

For the last few months, I'd experienced a constant swirl of emotions, and now once more my body and mind had a hard time processing what they were experiencing. I'd think the boy was a liar were it not for how he'd begged and blurted out her name when faced with his last desperate pleas.

I knew because I'd been there.

When I was pregnant with Lena, I'd carried it all at the front. No one could tell from behind me. I'd not spread out around my backside or anything. I didn't waddle. At eight months pregnant one of my accounting clients had insisted on me meeting them at the local pub for a meal to celebrate my going on maternity leave. I was self-employed and only having the smallest time possible off. Really, they'd bought me some stuff for the baby and wanted me to get excited about it and I did. Every time I looked at tiny babygros and mittens and little hats, my heart soared with excitement. There was a genal at the side of the pub. One I'd gone down many, many times before to walk back home. But on this night as I walked down, my thoughts were full of the fact my baby was coming soon and not my own safety. So I'd never heard him approach.

Grabbed from behind, the man dragged me into the bushes before I had a chance to scream, but as finally looked and stared at me his eyes widened in shock at my swollen and heavy stomach. I could only see his eyes. He had a hood up.

I prayed to everything there was. "Please don't hurt me. My baby. Anything but my baby." I pleaded. He ran out of the bushes, leaving me there.

In the moment of desperation, there was my truth. I'd have done anything he wanted as long as he didn't harm my unborn child.

Lena saved me that night from attack and it hurts so fucking bad that I couldn't do the same for her.

Coming back to myself, I stared at the boy lying against the fence. In his moment of reckoning he screamed that this was Sophie's doing. I looked at his phone and tapped into his messages. He had messages saved under SE.

I scrolled to the beginning.

SE: I'm sending you this video so that you have your own reminder of what I'll send everywhere if you don't do exactly as I ask.

I pressed play on the video until I saw the contents and then I switched it off. And then I turned to the boy lying there in pain and I realised that he might just have been fighting for his own survival in this cruel world. Guilt and horror swept over me at what I’d become. A vessel of hatred. While I had no idea if Sophie was truly behind this, I knew that I was done here. That I wouldn't touch another hair on Marcus Bull's head.

He groaned and opened his eyes.

"Marcus."

"Y- yeah?"

"Can I take you to my house? The one I'm selling. Will you let me get some stuff to get you patched up, or do you want to call the police? I don't mind either way, but if you come to the house, I promise we can properly talk after I get you some painkillers and stuff. You can tell me about Sophie and everything else and then if you want you can still call the police. Or I can drop you off at the hospital…"

"No hospitals. Take me to your house. I need painkillers please."

"Okay."

It took time to get back onto the path. Marcus was sore from the fall although he hadn't broken anything, and his leg was causing him a lot of pain from where I'd hit him with the wire.

I sighed as the truth hit me. "You will need the doctors, Marcus, because the wire was rusty. I'll take you to A&E. We'll go straight there."

Sweat beaded his brow once more and he nodded. It took us a while to make our way back to my house. I managed to get him into the car so I could drive him to the hospital. We passed at least six people on the way from the den to the car and not one asked a question or offered assistance. They saw a woman and a teenager and no doubt assumed that the teen had got into a fight or fallen and mum had come to help.

If only they knew the truth.

Marcus booked himself in at A&E and told them I was his mother. He said to the receptionist and then to the triage nurse that he'd been in a fight.

Then we took a seat each in the waiting room. Sat in a corner away from other people and began the long wait to be seen. And during that long wait, Marcus told me everything about his life and I in turn told him a lot about mine.

Finally, patched up and given painkillers that had him looking dazed, I told him I’d take him home and we could just tell his parents he'd fallen and I'd found him.

"I don't want to go home." He said through the drug fugue. "It might have been better if you'd just hit me over the head with a rock or something. Finished me off once and for all."

"You need to get away and start again and I can help you." I told him. At this point I still didn't know if it was Sophie who'd blackmailed him or someone else, but the truth was in his messages. He'd been a pawn in someone's game. And while he'd added to the pain my daughter went through, he'd just been trying to survive. I no longer hated Marcus Bull. I found myself wanting to parent him. I laughed out loud at that. I think the hospital must have given me some drugs too.

"Nothing can help me except time. Once I'm eighteen, I'm gone from there."

But that was another three years away and not good enough. Mr Bull was a bully and we all knew what I did to those.

Knocking on the door of his family home, his mother opened it, saw Marcus with his bandaged leg and then pulled him straight into her arms. He cried for her to 'get off him' in the way teenagers do when their mums aren't being cool, and then we told his mother the lies we'd made up about what had happened. That he'd been messing about and had fallen and I'd been walking past having a stroll for a final time before I moved away from the area.

"Oh, you're…" His mum's voice trailed off.

"Carla Haybrook. Yes." I looked around. "Where's Mr Bull?"

"He's gone out for a drink with some business leads." She said. "Do you want a tea or coffee? It's the least I can do when you helped my son. I can't thank you enough."

I nodded my head. "I'd love a cuppa please. It's been a long day."

Marcus went up to bed, walking slowly with each step. He'd be asleep as soon as his head touched the pillow. I followed the woman who introduced herself as Kate through to the kitchen and then remembering, I went in my bag and took out the painkillers the hospital had given us.

She fixed me the tea and then passed it to me. "We can sit at the dining table." She nodded through to another room.

And then when we were seated she said. "What I don't understand is why you sat in the waiting room with my son for hours and you never called me to come. What's going on, Carla?"

I blew over the top of my mug. "Your son did a lot of things to us, to me and to Lena, because he was being blackmailed. I've not got to the bottom of it all, but I will. Ultimately it led to the death of my daughter. I didn't call you because we were talking and I deserved to know the truth. You have a lifetime to spend time with your son. I no longer have the luxury of that time with Lena."

"Blackmailed for what?"

"Your son is gay. Do you know that?"

She scoffed at my words. "No, he's not. He just got out of a long-term relationship with a girl called Tamsin."

I threw her scoff back at her. "What would your husband do to a son he found out liked other boys, bearing in mind he kicks the shit out of him for much less?"

Her sharp intake of breath didn't stop me from talking. "He says your husband threatens you both all the time. That you live in fear. That he's waiting until he's eighteen and can escape." I fixed a glare at her. "What if Peter's gone too far by then? Hit him, or kicked him and ruptured an organ, made him fall and bang his head? He threatens to kill you both but he's slowly killing Marcus anyway."

The fire finally came out of Kate Bull as she blazed at me. "Who the fuck do you think you are? Coming here and telling me how to parent?"

I laughed. "I'm the woman with nothing to lose. Nothing at all. I'll tell you exactly what I think you need to hear because I can do what I like and no one can stop me, no one at all. I'm not afraid of your husband. I'd happily run a blade straight across his throat."

"You're unhinged."

I sat back and took a sip of my drink. "Yup, all because of a hate campaign against my daughter that led to her suicide." Once more I stared at her. "You're a whisper away from being me if you carry on with this life."

That hit home. Her hand trembled against her own mug. "I have nothing of my own. He's not stupid. I know there are hostels, but I wanted better for Marcus. He deserves the world."

I sucked at my top teeth. "My house is about to sell and I won't need the proceeds. I'm going to give you twenty grand if you agree to take Marcus away and move somewhere with an active gay community where he can live his true life."

Her mouth fell open. I held up a hand. "You don't have to answer now. Marcus knows how to get in touch with me." I got to my feet. "Right, I'll be off. I need to do some last bits at the house and then I'm out of Berkley Edge, for good."

She stood up to see me out. There was nothing left for us to say at this moment. Kate Bull had a lot to think about this evening. Just as we reached the dining room door, the outside door opened and in walked Peter Bull.

Calculating eyes looked at me and then at his wife. The king didn't like anyone he didn't know in his castle.

"Didn't know you were having a friend round?" He said guardedly.

"This is Carla Haybrook. She found Marc earlier. He'd fallen. She took him to the hospital. He's okay though."

"Painkillered up to the eyeballs and no doubt asleep." I smiled. "Anyway, I'd better be going. It was good to meet you both. Give my best to Marcus since I won't be able to myself."

"Oh?" Peter said, his head tilting to one side.

"My last day in Berkley Edge. Sold my house." I didn't miss the relaxation in his brow at the thought that this was a one-off, that I wouldn't be snooping around the place.

I said goodbye, walked down to my car, and got ready to lock up my old house for the final time.

As I clicked my key to open the car, I took a deep inhale. Tomorrow was set to be a busy day. First thing, I had to call the police and see if there had been any sexual assault cases in the area dating back from around sixteen years ago to the present time and then I had to give them Peter Bull's name and address. Because those cold, calculating eyes had been on me years ago. He might not remember me, but I certainly remembered him.

And then I had to see Sophie. Beautiful Sophie who I'd known for years and years, to see if she really had been an enemy, not a friend all along.

I'd thought I'd be able to say my own goodbyes soon, but I wasn't leaving this earth until I got answers for why my daughter had to die.

As I walked through into my new home, exhaustion hit hard. The adrenaline I'd been assaulted with all day was finally leaving my body, even though my mind remained full of unanswered questions. And though I'd thought sleep would evade me given everything that filled my brain, in actual fact I ended up crawling into my bed after just shrugging off my clothes and I knew nothing else until my alarm clock went off at its regular eight am.

19

CARLA

If anyone asked me how I was—if anyone actually gave a rat's arse—I wouldn't have been able to describe where I was mentally or physically, other than maybe 'broken beyond repair'. My hair seemed to be a permanent straggle of grease, and spots had broken out around my chin. I ate scrappily and whatever took my fancy at the time, or not. Much of the time I skipped meals or ate a packet of crisps. What did it matter? The end was nigh.

When the alarm went off there were a blissful, few seconds where I wanted to live. In that brief space where all this had not happened, the reprieve between awakening and reality. It should be a place you could pause for a while. Let your mind be free of ruminating over everything and anything.

Like the fact it had been almost three months since my daughter left the earth and I still couldn't join her yet.

Sitting up in bed, waiting for my body to wake up enough that I could get out of bed, I closed my eyes and pictured her beautiful face. It was minutes before I realised that my face was soaking wet, tears dripping off my chin into the top of the duvet. Wiping my face on the duvet, I swung my legs out of bed. Fuck, I hadn't even got undressed last night; I was still in yesterday's clothes. I'd forgotten that. I took a shower, as if the water could drain away the shadows and darkness that coated me, before dressing and going downstairs.

I rang an anonymous police line about Peter Bull. I didn't know if that evening he had intended to mug me or rape me and that's what I said. They could do what they wanted with my report because somewhere along the line he'd lose Kate and Marcus anyway. And if Kate bottled out, she'd lose Marcus. I'd give him the money to escape all by himself. There would be places you could forge new identities for the right price. Or he could ring social services. I sighed and put my head in my hands. I didn't have space in my head for Marcus, but I couldn't leave him either. I blamed the mother gene, it triumphed above everything, even trauma.

Dialling Sophie's number, I waited for her to answer.

"Everything okay, Carla?" She said and I realised she was at work. She'd started at Primark that last week.

"Oh shit, Sophie. I totally forgot what day it was, and that you'd be out. I just wondered if I could meet you later?"

"Is everything okay?" She repeated.

"Yes, yes. I've just thought of something I wanted to talk to you about."

"Are you sure you're okay?" How many more times was she going to ask me? I wanted to tell her 'No, I'm not okay. I want to know if you hurt my daughter'.

"Yes, but this can't wait. I just need to ask something about Lena and I'd rather do it face-to-face."

"I could get my mum to drop me off, if you want me to come to yours?" She answered, cheer in her voice.

"Oh no. I'm not in the mood to cook. I thought we could just go for a walk or something."

"You want to come back to Berkley Edge? You're worrying me."

"It's easier for me to come to you that's all."

"Okay. What about meeting at Costa at six?"

"Yeah, that works out great. And I'll get you a toastie or something if you'd like?"

"Sounds like a plan. See you later, Carla."

"See you later, Sophie."

I Snapchatted Marcus to see how he was.

Marcus: Sore, but the drugs are good.

Carla: Am I guessing you added bud to the mix?

Marcus: *laughing emoticon*

Carla: How was your dad?

Marcus: Not seen him yet. I pretended to still be asleep. Mum left me a bottle of water and a bar of chocolate at the side of my bed with a note saying to ring her at work if I needed anything.

Carla: Do you need anything?

Marcus: No.

There was a pause and then he wrote again.

Marcus: Do you believe me?

Carla: I believe you were blackmailed. I find it hard to believe it was Sophie. But now I know not to assume things and to find out the truth.

Marcus: She will share my video.

Carla: If she's done this, she will not be sharing your video. Trust me.

I didn't know what my sentence meant because I couldn't imagine hurting a hair on Sophie's head, but then again, a few months ago I wouldn't have thought I was capable of pushing a teenager into a bush and hitting him with barbed wire, so I just let the sentence hang there.

I sent him my address.

Carla: I don't know how long I'll be living here, but if you need to escape your house, you get a taxi and come here. I'll leave enough money to pay for it under a plant pot next to the door.

Marcus: why are you doing this, after what I did to you?

Carla: Fuck knows. I'm just going with the flow. Offer stands. Maybe because your dad is a cunt?

Marcus: *laughing emojis* Sure is. Thanks.

The rest of the afternoon stretched out ahead of me. I was still tired, but at least I was clean. I looked at the house and had an overwhelming urge to scrub it from top to bottom. So that's what I did, while my mind tried to work through things where there were no answers and it was on a futile quest.

Pulling into the Costa car park at a minute after six, I exited and walked into the coffee shop. Sophie waved at me from a seat in the window and I smiled and walked across. She jumped up and hugged me. I froze. I couldn't help it. It reminded me of impromptu hugs from my daughter. Also, Sophie smelled like Lena. She was wearing the scent Lena had always worn.

"Your perfume…"

"Oh, yes. Fuck." Sophie said. "I've been wearing it since… you know. It makes me feel closer to her. I didn't think though."

"It's fine." I waved her off. "What do you want to eat and drink, Sophie?"

"I'll come with you." She said.

There was an awkwardness that had never been present before. It stayed while we ate, or rather while I picked over some salt and vinegar crisps and Sophie ate.

We were left with just our drinks.

"So why did you want to see me? Just missing me?" Sophie smiled.

"I came to talk to you about Marcus Bull." I answered.

"Oh God, what's he done now? Is he still not leaving you alone? I'll have a word."

I swallowed. "That's the thing, Sophie. He's told me you've already had a word. Several words. That you blackmailed him."

"That's ridiculous." She spat back. "You can't possibly believe him."

I sighed. "I don't know what I believe anymore, Sophie. All I know for sure is that my daughter is dead."

"Why are you calling me Sophie all the time?" Tears were blossoming at her lashes, threatening to course down, like a skier about to traverse the slope. "You call me Soph. You've always called me Soph."

I rubbed a hand down my forehead and over my right eye where a gentle throb came. "Because it's too hard. You were Lena and Soph and I can't have one without the other."

"All I wanted was to belong somewhere." She said as more tears ski'd down her face and off the slope of her top lip.

"What are you saying to me, Sophie?" I lowered my voice.

Her own voice broke. "She was never meant to die."

My chair scraped back. "What the fuck did you do? What the fuck, Sophie, did you do?"

She went in her bag and threw a book across the table.

I recognised my daughter's handwriting although I'd never seen the book before.

"When you asked if I wanted anything from her room." She looked down at the book and then went back into her bag and added two more. "I took her journals because I wanted to know what was in them."

Just when I thought nothing else could shock me. My daughter wrote in journals? Journals that had been stolen by Sophie. Taken from me when I could have had chance to listen to my daughter a final time.

"Why did you take them?"

"Protection."

I looked at her down my nose. Who was this girl? Another person who'd never shown me their true self?

"I never thought I'd see the day you looked at me like that, Carla. I always thought of you as my mum. Wanted you as my mum." She tapped the book. "You need to read them and then we can meet again. Tomorrow? Same time, same place?"

"Why? Why can't you just tell me what you did?"

"Oh I will. I'll tell you everything, but first you need to climb down from that pedestal you put yourself on."

"Pardon?"

"Oh I'm not the only one who drove Lena to suicide. You did too." She snapped.

"What?" I said incredulous.

"Read the journals. See why Lena killed herself. It's all in there. See what you did."

I looked up at her in horror.

What I did?

Part III

20

SOPHIE

Lena and I had been best friends since we were small. Now I had to learn to live without the person who'd been by my side for most of my life. As we'd grown up, we'd had fallouts, times when we weren't as close, but we always came back together.

Now though, there would never be Lena and Sophie. Not anymore.

And I had to live with my part in that and with a loss that left a gaping hole in my life. But you see Lena had one thing I'd always wanted and never had. Well, never thought I had. A loving mother.

With hindsight though… fuck… I'd read Lena's journals and seen that no matter what view we hold on other people's perfect lives, sometimes that's just far from the truth.

I thought I’d driven Lena to suicide, had taken her journals thinking they may somehow reveal something about the part I’d played. Wondered if Lena had discovered what I'd been doing behind her back, but her words revealed so much more. I needed to talk to someone about everything and I’d thought that person would be Carla, but now I wasn't so sure. Now I had to wait until Carla had also read her daughter's words and then see what she did.

So for now I would sit here in the coffee shop and ruminate over everything all over again. This was my life now. Memories on repeat.

As a child of a single mum, I'd spent a lot of time around childminders. Then at ten years old, all of a sudden Mum decided I was old enough to look after myself while she worked and that was that.

Microwave dinners packed in the fridge and freezer. I’d have one when I was hungry, Mum would have one when she got home from work. She'd ask if I’d done my homework and then she'd sit in front of the television before saying it was time for bed. Groundhog day Monday to Friday.

Weekends were better. She'd let us have a lie in, sometimes make me a bacon sandwich, but then she started going out on a Saturday night, 'now I was old enough to look after myself'. She'd come home at stupid hours of the morning while I'd been sitting in my room, curled up in my bed with the lights off, scared someone would find me home alone. Listening for my mum to come home so I could breathe again.

My mum would get up in the late hours of Sunday afternoon, make a Sunday lunch if she could face it and then it was back in front of the television.

One day life changed, because my best friend Lena invited me around to her house for tea. We were eleven and she'd mentioned to her mum how I had to stay on my own. Suddenly I was in another world, where I sat at a table with a mum and a dad and Lena. I'd pretend this was my family, that Lena was my sister. I became so attached to this family that sometimes I dreamed my mum let them adopt me.

Because the older I got, the less she bothered with me. I no longer slept scrunched up beneath the blankets being afraid of intruders. Now I snuck back downstairs, watched TV and had midnight feasts with whatever we had left around the place. It wouldn't be much as we were on a budget being 'not made of money'.

Mum relaxed even more once she knew I was having my tea at Lena's. Stopped asking if I'd done my homework because she knew Carla made us do it the minute we got home. She stopped asking me much of anything. "Everything okay?" She'd say.

"Yes, fine."

"Nothing to report?"

"Nope."

"Good."

That was the grand sum of things, except some weekends she'd let Lena stay over and when she did, she'd not go out that night. She'd pretend she was a proper mum, when really, she was nothing of the sort.

Carla was a proper mum.

When Ant left her for Natalie my young heart broke. It broke for her, for my best friend, and for me because I felt like I'd lost my 'dad' and I’d lost my dreams of them being my forever family.

But even though Carla was in turmoil, she never stopped protecting Lena. Lena came first and I loved her even more for that.

But I couldn't help but be jealous of my best friend.

Even though her parents had split up, she had two loving parents still, and Carla especially worshipped the ground her daughter walked on. She wanted for nothing.

If we were out and Lena saw an eyeshadow palette she wanted, Carla would grab it and then ask me if I wanted something. I’d always pick something cheap, but I'd have something, because my mum always said there was no money for anything like that, even though she could buy alcohol and pay for taxis home.

So that was how it was. Carla and Lena were my family. The one I’d always wanted. Carla, in particular, the mum I adored. I didn't want my mum and my life. At night, I'd go to sleep praying that when I woke up Carla was my mother.

Of course, it never happened.

We grew up, Lena and I, and started talking about college and life away from home and I realised that there was a strong possibility I might lose both Lena's friendship and Carla as life moved on. That I may just be left behind. The invisible girl. So I decided to cause some trouble, so that Lena would realise she needed me in her life, her confidante, always, and that way I'd always be in Carla's life too.

It did piss me off sometimes though when Carla acted like Lena was a saint. Lena could be a right bitch like we all could and her and Chloe Butcher from our class had never really seen eye to eye. Stuff had rumbled away in the background between them for ages, but it had never gone beyond sassing at each other.

But as we began approaching our final exam year even that was changing. They were largely just ignoring one another. Everything was heading towards the end of what I knew and I couldn't bear it.

I saw Chloe on her own one day which was rare. Usually Tamsin was glued to her side. Taking advantage, I wandered over.

"What do you want?" She huffed at me.

"Look, I know I'm Lena's best friend but this time she's gone a bit far."

Thick eyebrows rose. "What do you mean?"

I sighed. "She's telling people that you're a thick whore. I've told her it's not on and to stop but she's not listening. Don't say you heard it from me, but I thought I'd give you a heads up, so that maybe you can call her on it."

Chloe's eyes narrowed. "Is this a set up? Why would you help me?"

"Because I think Lena's wrong this time. But if you tell her I told you I'll deny it."

I walked away, expecting that what would happen would be another row between them, more shouting at each other and then I could offer a shoulder for Lena to unburden herself to. Lend my support. Remind her how important I was in her life.

But everything went out of hand on a Friday night in September.

"Oh God, Chloe, Tamsin, and Alesha are coming in." Lena rolled her eyes as she looked at me, having been staring out of the window.

My stomach churned a little as there'd been a few dirty looks from Chloe towards Lena at school, but this was the first time we'd bumped into them away from school property.

They got their drinks and sat themselves behind where Lena sat. She took a deep breath. "Look, I don't want them to think they're bothering me, so I'm not turning around. You just let me know if they start anything okay?"

"Yup, you can count on me. I'm your bestie."

Lena smiled at me, but she didn't say anything back.

She'd not been the same really since her parents split up. Lena didn't like to talk about it, but I knew she missed her dad and didn't like Natalie, her father's girlfriend. I guessed it was hard to have to be around your dad and someone who wasn't your mum. Plus, Ant hadn't done this quietly. Everyone in the area knew that he'd moved out of one house and straight to another still in Berkley Edge.

"Oh my paper cup's leaking. Does anyone know a plumber?" Chloe said a little too loudly. I saw my friend's shoulders tense up. She stared at me and closed her eyes for a moment.

"Ignore her." I said.

Lena nodded. "Yeah, I'm not giving her the satisfaction."

"She might have a Michael Kors bag and a Reiss coat, but it doesn't disguise the fact her father was a plumber who liked to show his customers his pipe." Chloe added and her two friends cackled.

Lena stood up.

"What are you doing?"

She picked up her bag. "Leaving here before I do something I'll regret."

I followed her out of Costa. Lena strode on ahead. "Hold on. I've not even got my coat on yet." I yelled.

As I caught her up the door had opened and the three girls were outside. Taking the piss, Chloe stomped past Lena. "Not so perfect now are you, you thick ho?"

I gasped as I saw what she'd done. She'd flicked on a lighter and singed Lena's hair. Lena grabbed her hair.

"What have you done?" Though she wasn't sure, she knew Chloe had done something and Chloe now stood in front of her, her hands on her hips laughing.

"Hair still looking hot, girl. Just in a different way."

That was it, before I even knew what was happening, Lena had drawn her fist back and punched Chloe in the eye. Chloe leapt forward shouting, "You stupid fucking bitch, you'll pay for that," and raining fists in the way girls do, anywhere and everywhere hoping one hits. I grabbed Lena and Tamsin grabbed Chloe and we pulled them apart, but I saw that Chloe had landed a hit on Lena's lip, blood running from it.

A crowd had gathered around, the boys of Berkley Edge watching and yelling, 'girl fight'. "Quick, get out of here." I said to Lena. "The Costa staff are coming out. I'll stay and make sure you don't get blamed. I'll come to yours as soon as I can."

"Thanks, Soph."

She rushed on towards home and I hung around making sure that Chloe did not drop my name into conversation. I tried to catch her attention, to warn her not to mention me, but it was impossible. She was gloating about having punched Lena. I'd have to try to get to talk to her later somehow. What on earth was she playing at? That was actual assault. The last thing I needed was the police involved and Lena finding out I'd had any involvement, although I'd deny it.

One of the lads who was with Chloe's gang watched me. I caught his eyes and narrowed my own. Fuck, was he onto me? I figured I'd better get myself out of there and try to catch up with Chloe later.

I texted Lena to say I was on my way. I wasn't expecting her response.

Lena: No, don't come. My mother's having a meltdown.

Me: But I can help. I can tell her it was all Chloe's fault.

Lena: It'll just wind her up. I'm in my room and I'm keeping my head down. She keeps coming to check I'm okay. If you come, she'll start asking you five thousand questions.

Me: I don't mind.

Lena: Well, I do. You've been amazing, Soph. Thanks for being my best friend and having my back.

Me: Anytime. You know that. I'll get home and then text you, yeah?

Lena: Yep, you can listen to me whine on about my mum lol.

Me: Huh, your mum's a saint. I'll trade you for mine.

I walked home, feeling antsy that Lena didn't want me there, but glad she felt I'd had her back. Underneath though, I still felt like I was losing Lena, that she was growing away from me. A feeling I hated.

Once I got home, I texted Lena again and she told me that Chloe had been past her house, sending a photo and threatening them.

Fuck. I really needed to see Chloe. This was not what I'd meant to happen.

I called her.

"Yeah?"

"Where are you?"

"The rec, why? That bitch want a second round?"

"No. I need to talk to you. In private. Go to the trees. I'll come meet you."

The trees at the edge of the recreation ground were visible from my bedroom window. I watched as Chloe made her way there and I slipped out of the house.

"What's so important?" Chloe stared at me like she was bored shitless and sighed. Her head tilted towards me. "And hurry up because Archie's waiting for me."

"What's so important? What the fuck were you doing at Costa? Lena called you a thick ho. I thought you'd call her some names back."

"Yeah, well maybe I'd just had enough of Miss Fucking Perfect."

"I still can't believe you burned her hair, you stupid bitch. Her mother could have called the police on you."

Chloe kicked at some stones. "I couldn't help it. I got fucked off."

"You can't go around doing shit like that."

"Feeling guilty are you? Because you're the one who told me she'd been saying I was a thick ho. She thinks she's so fucking perfect, well now she's not. Now, even if only for tonight, her hair's wonky and stinks."

"You need to dial it back because her mum's livid. Especially because you sent that photo of the house. She's taking that personally."

"Look. I'll say a fake sorry, but I did it and right now I'm enjoying my moment. My eye might sting like a bitch, but I finally got to deck her. Now are we done here because I want to get back to the others?"

"Yeah, we're done."

I heard a twig snap from in another direction. Someone was there.

Chloe stalked off, and I pretended to, but instead I sat back near one of the trees at the back nearest my house. After a few minutes Marcus Bull walked out back to the others. He looked back towards where I lived, and I just knew he'd heard everything.

Fuck.

Now what?

I turned my phone to silent and sat propped next to a tree trunk and chatted to Lena, while I thought things through. If Marcus backed Chloe up, then that might give Lena doubts. I sat with my head in my hands. I was frustrated because this hadn't accomplished what I'd wanted. For Lena to use me as a shoulder to cry on. If anything, I seemed to have potentially risked our friendship for good.

Male voices approached. I made sure I was out of view but could hear and I listened in.

"You fancy men, Marc?" I heard a voice I recognised as belonging to Archie Hadley state. My ears pricked up because Chloe reckoned to be in with Archie, so I'd see if he said anything about her. And Marc? The boy who may have overheard me and Chloe talking? It wouldn't hurt for me to have one over on him, so what was Archie on about?

"Don't be fucking stupid. I just didn't want to go near that slag."

"Suck my cock." Archie demanded. "I want to see if you do it better than Chloe."

What? Archie was being a right twat to this lad. I had no problems with anyone being gay and Archie wasn't right to give him shit for it. But no matter how much people celebrated Pride month, the fact remained that gay remained a derogatory term around the male teens of Berkley Edge.

"What? Let go of me. Chill out. I'm not gay and you're not funny." I could hear twigs crack under feet as they argued. I switched my phone on to record the conversation.

"I'm serious. I don't want a piss. I've got a fucking hard-on after that prick tease Chloe left me hanging and I keep seeing you looking at me weird. You're not the only one who's confused." Archie said.

"What?" Marc replied.

Indeed. What was I hearing? Was Archie gay too? Whoa, that would certainly be one in the eye for Chloe Butcher!

Straining to hear Archie's voice now I moved closer, praying not to make too much noise, although the two seemed too deep in conversation to be aware of me. I made sure my camera was on them recording and I watched gobsmacked as to what was happening. I’d seen many people head for the trees from my bedroom window, but I'd never been in such close proximity before and for it to be two lads from my school.

"Do it. I want to know what it's like. If we're not into it after, we don't say anything else about it, okay?"

Archie opened his jeans and freed his cock and I watched as Marcus dropped to his knees.

Either of these two were now my willing slaves, but I would focus on Marcus first. Just in case he'd had any ideas on selling me out to Lena.

He left shortly after he'd made his friend come down his throat. I hung back awhile and then I quickened my pace until I’d almost caught him up.

"Well, well, well. Thanks for teaching me about how to snoop among the trees, cocksucker."

He froze before slowly turning around to face me. I needed him to think I was cocky and sure of myself, so I stood with a hand on one hip, and wore a triumphant grin.

I held my phone up and pressed play. The video started.

Marcus went pale.

"Please, Sophie. My dad would beat the shit out of me. He doesn't get it."

"Marcus, don't worry." I said. "I don't intend to share it. I just need you to do a few things for me."

"Like what?"

"Like keep your mouth shut about seeing me and Chloe talking and maybe I might need you to make Lena's life harder. Give me your number so I can contact you if I need to."

His brow creased. "But I thought Lena was your best mate?"

She is. She's my best mate, and that's why I've done this. Because I don't want to lose her. I want her to need me. I realised I'd been staring into space. "She is. I don't have to explain myself to you. Right, I'm going to give you Lena's number. You might need that too."

I left him there and I went home, feeling a lot more secure now I had Marcus at my mercy.

21

SOPHIE

I texted with Lena for the rest of the night until she had to put her phone on charge. Then I missed her in the silence of the early hours of the morning. My mum wasn't here telling me to put my phone on charge, something I knew Lena argued with her own about endlessly. My mum wasn't here at all. She'd started staying out now at weekends unless it was one where she let me have Lena stay over. She did that sometimes when I begged. Begged for her to let Lena stay, because when she did, she acted like a normal mother, like the one I'd always wanted.

Mum had never admitted to having any boyfriends even though I knew she must have. She also refused to tell me anything about my father. There were no photos, nothing. I was pleased I looked like my mum, because otherwise I'd have stared at any male who had my colouring wondering if I belonged to them and if they'd have made a better parent. I missed Ant Haybrook. He might have been a cheater but at least he existed. Was someone Lena had in her life.

I dozed off and when I woke it was just past half seven. Pushing myself up so I was resting against my headboard, I grabbed my phone and scrolled to see the latest posts. Tamsin and Alesha had posted stuff on their walls about Lena, calling her out for saying they were whores. So that was how Chloe had obviously decided to play it. To get her sidekicks to deal out more pressure to Lena without it coming back on her. As long as she kept her mouth shut about me. I chewed the side of my cheek while I considered contacting Marcus. Just to see if he really would do what I asked.

I needed a phone to contact him. One that wasn't mine. Some cheap shit. With a burning desire to find out if he'd resist me or do all I asked, I showered, dressed and went to the local supermarket and bought a phone. Mum left me a tenner for food when she stayed out overnight and I saved it, so I was able to pay cash. I treated myself to a Maccy's bacon sarnie on the way home and after setting the phone up, I phoned Marcus.

"Yeah?" He said quietly, no doubt not wanting anyone to hear him.

"I want you to ring Lena and threaten her." I told him. "Tamsin and Alesha have started a bit of a hate campaign against her. I want you to add to it."

"Fine." He said. That was it. 'Fine'. No protesting against having to do it, just a one word answer that he'd do what I asked.

I felt triumphant and then guilty that I was stooping so low as to blackmail someone. But I told myself this was just one time. That I wouldn't do it again. I was sure that once I proved I was the most supportive friend ever that I wouldn't need him to do anything else.

That was what I told myself anyway, to try to justify it to my own brain.

Lena texted me about all the vitriol she'd woken up to, that her mother was driving her batshit, but that she was going to the hairdressers to get her hair trimmed and after that Carla had said I could come over and hang out. I could stop for tea, there were pizzas.

Lena: So please come over and help keep me sane because this is all just so ridiculous.

Me: You can count on me, I'll always have your back. I messaged in return.

Lena: You're the best xoxo

I arrived at her house for lunch. Carla made us a full cooked breakfast and even though I'd had bacon that morning, I eagerly ate it all. My own mother had yet to come home and here was Lena's mum cooking the works. She was fussing about all the trouble from last night and this morning. I listened and watched the interaction between the two of them. Their everyday conversations, how they looked at each other. A look of love, concern, and protection from Carla and a rolling-eyes 'here she goes' gaze from Lena, not realising how much I’d love for my own mum to be so bothered about me that it caused me to actually want her to back off a bit.

We went up to Lena's room after lunch and she put some music on.

"So how are you really feeling about everything?" I asked her.

She shrugged. "I'm just hoping it all dies down. I thought my mum having a go on the main road in front of everyone might make things worse, but social media seems to have quietened down, thank fuck. It's just Marcus ringing that was a bit weird. I get that Alesha and Tamsin will do Chloe's dirty work, but what does any of our bitch fest have to do with him?"

"He hangs around with them though. He was there watching it all last night. No doubt he's wanting to get in one of their pants and so is showing off. They're all so pathetic."

"Yup. Thank God we only have this year with them and then we can go to college away from them hopefully. I tell you, the minute I'm eighteen, I'm out of Berkley Edge."

"Me too. We could share a flat somewhere maybe?"

"Yeah." Lena's eyes lit up. "Get completely away."

We chatted on making plans for a life away from Berkley Edge. A life that still had me in it and I was happy. Things were good. Change was coming, but I was part of it and that was okay.

When I got back home after tea, Mum was back. I beamed at her because I was in a good mood and she was my mum, I loved her. When I saw her I was happy. Happy she was back safe and always hopeful that this would be the time she'd say something to me like Carla would say to Lena.

"Hey, Mum. Did you have a nice night out?"

Mum scowled. "Bloody hell, Sophie, can you dial it down a notch? I've still got a hangover." She made no mention of tea, although I'd eaten at Lena's, and I realised that she just took that for granted now. She didn't feel the need to check, and anyway, she'd just say well there's stuff in the freezer.

"I'm going to catch up with Coronation Street. Have you seen it this week?" She asked me. I hated that programme, but I sat there sometimes while she watched just so I could be in her orbit.

"No."

"Come on then. Why not get your pyjamas on and grab some crisps and snacks?"

Another beam from me. Mum was suggesting a pj party.

We were sat watching the TV when I decided to tell Mum about Lena getting in a fight.

"Soph."

"Yeah?"

"I'm trying to watch TV. It's good Lena stuck up for herself, but tell me after."

I nodded and sat quiet. The programmes finished and Mum got up and told me she was going to bed.

With tears in my eyes, I went to my room, the truth apparent. My mum wasn't interested in me or my life.

I was a nobody.

And that's why I couldn't lose Lena and Carla.

I texted Lena when I went to bed.

Me: Things still calm?

Lena: Yeah, nothing else thank God.

Me: Good. Listen, I know this is random but next time you go to your dad's for tea, can I come?

Lena: What? You want to go to the skank's house?

Me: Just haven't seen your dad in ages. It's weird.

Lena: If you saw him, it's still weird. He's like a different person. Just does whatever Natalie wants like a lapdog. I hardly go there myself because it's pointless. The minute he gives me any attention she starts crawling on his lap. Makes me want to barf. I was supposed to go this weekend, but I said no.

Me: Least you have one to turn down. I wonder who mine is. Any single person who walks past could be my dad. Hey, even your dad could be my dad!! We could be sisters and not know it.

Lena: Lol.

Lol.

Funny was it, to think we could be sisters. Or was that just an awkward response to the subject of my not knowing who my dad was?

At least Ant wouldn't have babies with Natalie because Lena told me she'd been sterilised cos she didn't want any. She'd still always be her dad's golden child even if Natalie's pussy had temporarily taken his attention.

My dad might have other children. I might have brothers and sisters who'd want to spend time with me. I asked my mum again at breakfast the next day.

"Sophie. How many more times? You want to know about your dad? He wasn't anyone you would want to know. He was a complete waste of fucking air. Just drop this subject once and for all." She slammed the door and left for work twenty minutes earlier than usual.

Things calmed down between Chloe and Lena. They ended up making a kind of truce. An agreement that they wouldn't be friends, but they wouldn't bitch about each other either. Anyway, the focus of mirth at the moment was the fact Tamsin was dating Marcus. She was fifteen and he was fourteen. She braved it out, I'd give her that, saying he was a hottie and she was teaching him things. Yeah? I wanted to say like how to act heterosexual, but of course I didn't. I'd noticed Marcus and Archie no longer hung around together and indeed Marcus now seemed to be heading up his little gang.

I was excited about the future. Lena intended to do something in retail when she left school and so was going to do a business course or similar and I was going to the same college to do hair and beauty. Lena'd talk about having her own clothes store one day and I'd talk about my salon.

"Hey, just think, we could have our shops nearby and I could do their style makeover and then send them to you for a new wardrobe."

"Great idea." Lena said.

And so I dreamed of future businesses and future flat sharing until I discovered that while it was real to me, while I'd banked on it all happening, Lena was talking what my mum would describe as 'hot air'.

I was round for tea on a Saturday and chatting about how I'd like my salon to look.

"You need to get some savings behind you for that, Soph." Carla said.

"Oh I know. I'll have to get my qualifications, work my way up and then look into the business side of things, but I'll get there eventually."

"Would you stay here in Berkley Edge?"

I looked at Lena. "Hey, we never said where we'd live and work."

Lena shrugged her shoulders. "I'm not planning my life for the next God knows how many years. I'm just focusing on today."

"But we're going to flat share and have our shops near each other."

Lena talked through chewing her food. "Soph. Put your shop wherever you want. Don't build your dreams around me. "

I was about to start arguing, but Carla interrupted. "God, there's plenty of time for you to plan your futures. Right now, you girls just need to focus on your exams. Otherwise you might not get into the college you want."

"Yeah, I need five GCSE's grade B or above to get into Brierly." Lena said.

"Brierly?" My cutlery clattered down onto my plate as I dropped them. "We're going to Tankersley."

"Oh, did I not tell you?" Lena looked confused. "I applied for Brierly Business College. Mrs Temberly thought I could get the grades and they have links to a few retailers like Sainsbury's. I might get work in their clothes department, projects etc."

"Th- that's amazing." I said, while thinking it wasn't amazing at all.

Brierly was out of my league. I would not get the grades to go there, even if I suddenly decided to switch to a business course.

So there was only one thing for it.

I had to make sure that Lena was so distracted, she failed to get the grades to go there either.

I called Marcus and told him that he had to damage Carla's car and I sent the video to him so he'd be reminded of what I'd send viral if he didn't do what I said. We arranged that it would happen on Sunday evening because Lena was coming to stay overnight at my house so I knew Carla would usually go to bed early.

All the time Lena was at my house I was fidgety, to the point where she asked me if I was okay.

"No, not really." I said and I confessed that my mum was staying out more and more and that what she put on around us was an act. That I could do with Lena moving in, so I had a nice mum all of the time.

"You are so dramatic." Lena laughed.

Yes, my life was hilarious to Lena who didn't believe me when I told her my mother ignored me.

I'd just get comments like, 'I wish mine would ignore me'.

She just had no idea because she was the perfect child in an almost perfect life. Perfect grades. Perfect face. Perfect body. Perfect hair. Mum and Dad who adored her even if they had split up.

And she didn't seem to even realise.

I felt my phone buzz in my pocket, so I excused myself to go to the loo and then I looked at my messages.

Marcus: I've done something. I think it's better than car damage.

My heart thudded in my chest. What the fuck had he done? He should have done what I told him. I typed quickly, my fingers flying across my keys.

Me: What did you do? You SHOULD do exactly what I asked. If you fucked up, the vid goes out.

Marcus: I didn't fuck up. I needed a shit and so I smeared it across her windscreen. Meant I didn't make any sound that would alert her or anyone else of what I was doing.

I almost gagged at the thought, but he'd actually done something I considered worse than damage, so I was okay with it.

Oh man. You're a sick fuck, Marcus. But you can crack on with your sad life now hopefully.

Hopefully, this would be enough to cause unrest in the Haybrook household and I could ramp up the tension myself.

It wasn't long after Lena got home from school the following day before she called me.

"You are not going to believe what's happened."

"Natalie kicked your dad out?"

"No, Marcus Bull smeared his own shit on my mum's windscreen. Sick fuck."

What? She knew who'd done it?

"He did what? How do you know?"

"Mum had the CCTV sorted after Chloe threatened the house. You can tell it's him cos of the clothes he wears although you can't make him out. She's ringing the police, but I doubt they'll do anything because the picture is grainy."

"What a sick fuck. Why would he do that?"

"It's obviously revenge for Tamsin. Chloe reckoned she'd called off her little bitches but looks like they still have a score to settle. Stupid prick, I'll kill him."

Fuck.

"You're better off ignoring him. If he's capable of doing that, what else is he capable of? Just let your mum handle it with the police."

She huffed. "Yeah, I suppose you're right. Just fucks me off. I've never done anything to him and neither has my mum. She had to clean his faeces off."

I made a heaving noise. "That's awful."

"Yeah and now my mother's paranoid again. I don't know how she expects me to concentrate on revising when she's in my room blathering on every five seconds."

"She's just concerned. At least—"

"Yeah, I know. At least I have a mother who's bothered. It's just—"

"What?"

"Nothing. I'm just wound up. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"

"Call me later if you want?"

"I doubt I'll get the chance with my mother on one."

Despite Lena saying she'd let her mum and the police handle it, the next day at school I found her tearing into Marcus.

Fuck.

I legged it over as fast as I could.

"What's going on?" I panted, narrowing my eyes at Marcus.

"I'm just telling this little shit I know it's him. Little shit being the right word. I've never done anything to you, leave me alone."

"He's not worth it, Len." I hooked my arm through Lena's to lead her away and then spun around to Marcus. "You're disgusting. You'd better leave her the fuck alone from now on."

He said nothing. Later I texted him.

Me: Make sure you keep your mouth shut. Don't think your dad would be too impressed with you shitting on cars. Could be his new slogan at the showroom: Shit cars a specialty.

Marcus: I won't say anything. Stop threatening me. I'm doing what you asked.

It took an age for the police to visit Carla. When they did all Lena told me was they couldn't do anything.

I breathed a sigh of relief that I'd got away with it again.

Then the following night she told me the police had been around to see him. I thought I’d die on the spot. I thought she was phoning to tell me she knew everything. That he'd said it was me.

I could have passed out when she didn't.

"You didn't say the police were going round."

"I'll be honest, Soph. I'm sick of talking about it. My mother never shuts up. Anyway, hopefully now the cops went round that'll be an end to it. Right, rescue me, bestie, talk to me about hair and make-up or something. Tell me about our shops again."

I did so happily.

22

SOPHIE

Time went on. Lena started dating a lad in our year called Lee. That didn't bother me. I was happy for her. Part of my own dream was to meet the love of my life, and live happily ever after with my own family. One I would love dearly. They would never know the feeling of being ignored. It also meant Lena was distracted from her studies cos she was in lurve. While she went out with Lee, I started hanging around with some other girls my age. Occasionally it'd be Tamsin, Alesha, and Chloe. They were all okay now, them and us. Still, when I bumped into Carla while out at the local shopping centre, I didn't want her to see them, so I told them I'd meet them outside the store and made my way over to Carla.

“Carla.” I shouted. It was strange seeing her shopping on her own. She usually shopped with Lena or the two of us.

“Hey, Soph. You spending all your pocket money?” She hugged me and I lost myself for a moment in her warm hug.

“We’re just looking and dreaming about all the things we wish we could afford.”

"We?"

Shit. "Yeah, I'm with some mates. They've just gone outside to buy cookies, so I'll need to catch them up." She started to look around, so I quickly changed the subject. "That blouse is nice.”

Carla held it up looking undecided. “You think so? Usually I drag Lena with me as you know so I can get some advice but she’s studying with Lee.”

Huh, probably studying her bedroom walls while you're out.

“Yeah, I know. I should be studying myself really, but the girls dragged me out." I had a thought. Maybe I could take Lena's place and help Carla decide on some outfits? "Though if you want, I can come round with you and help you choose some stuff?”

"Nah, don't be daft. You hang around with your mates. But thanks for taking pity on this old woman." She said, smiling at me.

I smiled back. "Don't be daft. I’d always make time for you. You're like a mum to me."

She squeezed my arm and gave me a loving look and once more I wished that either my mum gave me that look, or Carla would adopt me.

“What do you think to Lee?” She asked me. “He seems nice to me, nice and quiet, but I don’t really know him. He’s in your year, isn’t he?” She picked at imaginary fluff on the blouse. Carla worried too much sometimes but it showed she cared.

“I have some of my classes with him. He’s really nice, Carla. You don’t have any need to worry. He’s not one of the idiots. In fact, he’s a lot like Lena. Quiet and studious. She’ll be glad she can actually get some studying done, cos when she’s with me I get bored easily and start chatting.”

Carla laughed. “I can’t believe the both of you are about to take your exams and move on.”

“I know, bit different from when you were helping us learn our times tables. Now we need to know algebra, ugh.” I looked back towards where the girls had gone. “Anyway, I’d better go. You need to get that blouse.”

“Thanks. I will.” She put it over her arm. “She’s not pushing you out, is she? I mean, you spent a lot of time together and now she’s spending a heap of time with Lee.”

“Nah. We’re fine.” I reassured her, because we were. Our friendship was solid. Lots of talk about what we'd do when we left school.

“Good, because I can’t imagine not seeing little Soph at ours.”

I giggled. “I don’t think I’m so little now."

I said goodbye. Life was good. I was studying for my exams and while I wasn't a natural student I felt I'd get what I needed for my college course, and I was an important part of Carla and Lena's life, even if my own mother still continued to pretend she didn't have a child beyond my sitting watching the soaps with her in silence. She'd been making an effort to ask me if I was studying every day and was aware when my exams started which made a change, but I still would have been existing on microwave dinners were it not for the proper meals I got at Carla's a couple of times a week.

We did some mock exams. Despite the fact I’d tried to chatter through our revision sessions and she'd been seeing Lee, Lena sailed through them. It looked like if I couldn't persuade her to come to Tankersley with me then I might have to resort to getting Marcus on board again.

I knew what I’d done was wrong, but I couldn't help myself. Sometimes you could tell yourself your actions were excusable if you felt it was for the greater good. Lena needed me. I'd been with her throughout her life and through her parents splitting up, her first love break up when she'd been ten, her getting her period before me. She was my family.

After six weeks, Lee ended things with Lena. Once more I made sure I was a shoulder to cry on, but she didn't actually seem too upset. She did tell me she wanted to study though and she started to put me off coming round, saying she wanted to concentrate.

She was pushing me away again and I couldn't let that happen.

Over the next months I got Marcus to throw a brick through Carla's living room window. I got him to run up to her at school and threaten her. I found out flour was thrown at Carla's car and it was scratched and I hadn't even asked him to do that.

It brought her back to me a little, but Lena was still determined to study and ended our calls early to do so.

I told myself that it was just because she was studying and once the exams were over she'd be my close friend once more. But I wasn't sure I believed it. It was what led to my final moments of madness. I say final as in the last things I did to Lena, because after that…

She killed herself.

"Are you okay, love?" I looked up to see one of the Costa staff staring at me with concern.

I nodded, grabbing a napkin to wipe my eyes and nose. "Boyfriend trouble." I lied.

"Wait there." She said. I pulled myself together as the woman returned with a chocolate chip muffin.

"It's on me. It's not Ben & Jerry's but it's still tasty."

"Thank you." I smiled, though inside my heart was breaking. I made my way home.

"Hey, love. How've you been?" My mum asked the minute I stepped through the door. The mum I’d always wanted was in front of me. Asking how I was, making me proper dinners on the days she was off work. But now I felt like Lena must have done, like my every move was being watched.

Now I'd do anything to be able to turn back time and stop everything I’d done. Although she might have killed herself anyway, at least I wouldn't feel like I'd helped fill the tablet bottle.

I went up to my room, having told my mum I had a bit of a headache. I'd not told her I'd met Carla. Instead I said I'd met Chloe, when really I'd seen no one since I'd left school. I laid down on my bed and thought about my last days with my best friend.

"Let's go get a taco, I'd kill for one." Lena begged. "You get my mum to agree, because she'll never say yes to me. She thinks I'm going to get attacked by Marcus every time I step outdoors."

So I did. I told Carla that she had to let us get tacos because it was law in the school holidays that you ate at Taco Master and that I'd be there to look out for Lena.

I could tell Carla wasn't happy but she let us go.

We were just heading inside when I spotted Marcus behind us. Of all the people to bump into. But it made sense. Berkley Edge kids loved their fast food.

"Fucking hell, Marcus is here. I'll go and deal with him. You go get us a seat."

Lena had been happy up until that point and all the spark went out of her. "Jesus. I can't even enjoy my taco."

"I'll get rid of him. Go, get us a seat."

"You okay, Marcus?" I said once I'd reached him.

"I was." He replied. "Now, I'm not so sure."

"Meaning?"

I was shocked when Marcus' nostrils flared. "Sophie, are we nearly done? I've been following your instructions like a good little puppet now for long enough, and if I end up with the police at my door then I may as well just tell my dad everything because he'll beat the fucking shit out of me anyway."

"Yeah." I smiled. "I'm done with you now. You're free. Go in and enjoy your taco. Thanks for being my bitch, but I don't need you anymore.

"And the video of me?"

"Well, obviously, I'll keep it safe, but I promise you've earned your freedom." I looked at Marcus then and his face showed such utter relief that I was stopping using him, that for a moment I wanted to fall to my knees and apologise for what I'd made him do. "I'm sorry it had to be this way and I hope that if you do like guys, you get to live a happy life with some dude somewhere down the line." I said.

"You're crazy." He yelled at me.

I shrugged my shoulders. "I'm just doing what I need to do to make sure my own life turns out okay." I turned and went back into the shop.

"Everything okay?" Lena asked me. She'd ordered and received our tacos within the time I'd been outside.

"He was showing off as usual. Saying he was gonna stab you. Yeah, right?"

Lena's eyes widened.

"I'm just going to get some chilli sauce. You want anything else?"

"Just to eat this and get out of here. I'm losing my appetite."

"I won't let anything happen to you, Len."

I stood behind Marcus in the queue. He kept turning around to me looking pissed off. I definitely couldn't ask him to do anything else. I was lucky I'd got away with it this far. Anyway, there was always Archie. I'm sure he wouldn't want anyone seeing the video either, so I wasn't yet out of options.

Marcus left after he got his order.

I went back to our table.

"We need to go tell your mum, Lena. I saw in Marcus' bag. He did actually have a knife." I lied.

She didn't want to say anything, but I made her. Wanted to show Carla just how much I looked out for my best friend. Carla went apeshit and called 999. I knew they wouldn't do anything because of course I'd seen no such thing in Marcus' bag, so even if they found him there'd be nothing there.

I was the dutiful best friend until on Thursday, everything blew up.

It was half past nine in the evening and suddenly my phone was pinging with notifications. As I looked at what was happening, I immediately phoned Lena.

"Fuck, Lena. Where did they get the vid?" I asked.

"Well it has to have come from Lee, doesn't it? He's the one who took it."

"Did you know he was filming you?"

"Of course not." She snapped.

"Sorry. Do you want me to come over?"

"And do what? You can't make it go away, can you?"

"No, but I can help you form a plan to deal with it."

"I'm tired, Soph. I can't be bothered to think about it tonight. I'm going to have an early night, turn my phone off and deal with it tomorrow. Mum said that she might have found us a new place to live, so that's something. She even mentioned a room for you."

"Really?" Oh my god. A room for me? To stay sometimes or permanently? I couldn't ask because I needed to be there for my friend, but maybe something good would come out of this. "Well, it's clear you're innocent in all this. Your mum will sort it. She'll need to call the police again."

"Tomorrow, Soph. Let's talk about it tomorrow."

"Okay, okay." I'd get off the phone and think about our potential new place.

"Night, Soph. Thank you for being my best friend. I love you."

"Love ya too, babes. Speak tomorrow."

She ended the call.

And then during the night, she ended her life.

The next morning when I called, her phone just kept ringing out and then it started going straight to voicemail. If I could have seen into Carla's house I would have known that she was dealing with having found Lena's body. That she turned off Lena's phone after seeing all the hate messages and mocking about the video. Couldn't cope with it. She'd phoned Ant.

Ant got my mum's number from Carla.

When my mum came through the door just after lunch, she looked at me in such a way that I just knew.

Lena hadn't answered my calls.

She never didn't answer me.

And my mum never came home in an afternoon and most certainly didn't wear a look of concern on her face.

"Sophie. You need to sit down."

"No I don't. What's happened? Just tell me."

She moved closer.

"Lena died, sweetheart. She took some tablets. I'm so very sorry."

Time stood still.

I told my mum about my last conversation with Lena, about the video and how she said she'd deal with it today. Then darkness descended because my mind could not process that my friend was no longer there.

Mum called a doctor and they gave me some sedatives to calm me down because I kept asking to see Carla.

"Carla and Ant will be busy, Soph. Look how upset you are. They need time to themselves."

"She's like a mum to me."

"Ouch." My own mum said.

I looked at her and grief made me spit out my every thought about my mother. I could see each one hit like an acupuncture needle, burning as it twisted.

But she still held me as I cried.

The woman who'd been a poor attempt at a mother, suddenly made changes. Cut down on her working hours. She apologised for being a shit mum and begged for another chance.

My feelings were mixed. Was this just guilt and would wear off? Then would everything return to usual?

What about Carla? She might need me.

I sent Carla texts but apart from the odd short reply there was no other communication. Even though I knew she was grieving, I couldn't help but feel abandoned. She'd not even spoken a word to me since this had happened. Just these few-worded text replies.

Guilt swarmed my system because I wondered how much of the suicide was attributable to what I'd set in motion.

I was in a living nightmare. So I let the sedatives help me through and let my mother act like a parent.

The next week was the worst week of my life to date. I couldn't cope with the thoughts in my own head. My mother was concerned, and despite her now being the mum I’d always wanted, at this time I didn't want her. She was suffocating me and I wondered if she thought I might try to do the same thing Lena had. I’d be lying if I said it hadn't crossed my mind. But no, someone had to make sure Carla was okay. Lena would want me to do that.

Eventually, the day of the funeral arrived and we sat either side of Carla in the funeral car while Ant and Natalie sat with us. It was a surreal experience as we slowly followed the hearse containing the coffin my best friend's body laid in.

None of it seemed real.

Carla seemed so alone. Anthony kept looking at her, but he was with Natalie now. My mum held Carla's hand the whole way through. They'd never actually been friends. My mum was just that to Carla, my mum; and yet now Carla hung onto my mum's hand like it was the only thing stopping her from floating away.

After the service, I could tell that Carla needed away from the people there.

"Do you want to have a walk in the fresh air?"

She nodded. Mum stepped forward to come with us but I shook my head at her, so instead she held back.

As we began to walk down the path, I spoke.

"My mum says she's cutting back her hours at work. She wants to spend more time with me."

"That's nice." Carla replied.

No it wasn't 'nice', it was guilt. "I'm sixteen years old. Up until now I've grown up with you and Lena mainly. She's too late. Where was she while I was studying for these exams? It's okay working and saying someone needs to pay the bills, but we could have lived in a smaller home. She could have bought less clothes and handbags. And when she was at home, she wanted 'me-time'. Now she wants to be around, but I'm used to her absence."

She carried on walking. Didn't look at me. "Everything changed a week ago, Soph. Life is no longer what went before. Now I don't have a daughter, but you now have a mother. It's the yin and yang of life. My loss is your gain."

"Our loss." I said, not being able to help my tone. She wasn't the only one who'd lost Lena.

"Yes, sorry, our loss."

I felt guilty then, that I’d made it about me. We walked for a few more minutes in silence.

"I'm moving to the rental I found. My house will go up for sale eventually, but right now I don't want to change anything in her room. Yet I can't bear to be near it either. I'm spending stupid amounts of my savings having two places, but I don't care. I need somewhere to be close to her and somewhere I can escape. Does that make sense?"

"Yes. Completely."

"We'd better go back. People are expecting us at the wake. Your mum will be calling you any minute."

"My phone is off."

There was another pause in conversation while we walked.

"I wonder what he's doing while I bury my child." She said quietly, and my stomach turned over. She meant Marcus, of course. She blamed him for it all, and in doing so, she didn't know, but she blamed me.

I unzipped my handbag, pulled out my phone and turned it on.

"What are you doing?" She asked me.

"I have Marcus on my social media from a long time ago. You know, the times when you just accepted friend requests from anyone and everyone? I'd message him from time to time through Snapchat or Insta and tell him to leave Lena alone." I lied.

"You never said."

"I thought you'd tell me to sever the link and I didn't want to. I felt like I could keep an eye on him that way."

"Is there anything else I don't know?"

"He keeps his gang of friends because he buys them all weed. Maybe they do like hanging with him, maybe they just use him. I don't know. But that's what the gossip at school is. I didn't tell you that because Lena asked me not to. She thought you'd try to snitch about it to the police and she was scared you'd annoy a drug dealer or something."

Carla half laughed. "That sounds like Lena."

I selected a photo and made my face look annoyed.

"What is it?"

"You're better off not knowing. I know he did so many bad things and I know you hate him, but Lena would want you to have your fresh start, Carla. Forget Marcus Bull."

Because I need you to let this go, so you don't find out what I did. Because then I'd lose you too and I couldn't stand it.

She snatched the phone from my hand. "You know I can't do that."

The photo I showed her was of Marcus with his friends. They were all posing like they lived in the ghetto, not Berkley Edge.

"It's probably better you forget him now, especially if he's involved with drug dealers."

She handed my phone back to me.

"Yes, you're right. It's time I moved on."

Inside, relief flooded my body at her words. "Focusing on Marcus Bull just brings me more grief. I have to accept; we have to accept, that some things in life are evil, but we can live our lives away from them."

Then she turned to me. "Let your mum back in. You've years to spend together yet if you're lucky. Take your second chances, Sophie, because I'd do anything to have a second chance with Lena. I'd have moved us away earlier and then she might still be alive."

Her words hit home. It was all I'd ever wanted. For my mum to be a mum. Could she really change? Could that happen now? But it wasn't that simple. Carla had always been my mother figure. Lena was gone, but I was still here.

A week or so passed and Carla phoned to tell me she was at the house. She wanted me to come over and take anything I wanted from Lena's room.

I knew what I wanted.

Lena's journal.

She'd mentioned it once or twice. Said she wrote poems and thoughts in it. That it wasn't a diary, she didn't record her whole day, but it let her work through shit. She'd told me it was kept under her wardrobe, stuffed right at the back, in a place her mother never cleaned. She'd joked and said if anything ever happened to her, I had to destroy it.

Now I'd try to get it and see if she'd noted the things that had happened to her, that I was responsible for. See if I caused my best friend's suicide.

Standing at the door to Lena's house, I took a deep inhale and knocked lightly. It was the first time I'd been here since Lena died.

Carla answered and gestured me inside and told me to go up. She didn't hug me or anything. She looked distracted and tired and well… lost. So I nodded and made my way upstairs.

Pushing open the door, I was assaulted by the smell of Lena, of the scent she always wore that hung just slightly in the air. Or maybe I imagined it because it had always been there? But I couldn't quit imagining seeing her dead body lying on the bed. I quickly got to the floor and reached for the journal. There were three, which surprised me. I stuffed them into my handbag and opened up her jewellery box. In it were the remnants of the friendship bracelet I'd made for her when we were eleven. I still had mine in my jewellery box too. I lifted it out and decided I'd weave them together, friends forever.

"I'm sorry, Lena." I said softly into the air. There had been so many, many good times happen between us. I couldn't face it if I found out that in trying to not lose her, I'd actually caused her to leave.

Making my excuses to Carla, who seemed glad for me to leave anyway, I went home and started to read the journals.

And I found out that the responsibility for my best friend's death hadn't been helped by my actions, but ultimately wasn't my fault at all.

23

SOPHIE

I called Carla once a week. I'd made the decision to keep what I'd found in the journals to myself. There was nothing to be gained by anyone reading them. It would just cause more pain and heartache. I threw myself into my studies and my exams started. It was a way of existing, of managing to get through the days. I bought some Miss Dior and started wearing it so that I felt my friend was nearby. I was determined to do the best I could in my exams because my best friend had believed in me. She believed I could totally run my own beauty and hair salon and I would. I would make her proud.

But sometimes when I was alone in the house, when my mum was at work, the sorrow invaded and I could barely breathe.

The last thing I expected was Marcus Bull at my door.

But one day there he was.

"What the fuck are you doing here?"

"You wouldn't answer my messages, so I had to come here. We might have a problem."

I invited him inside, dread slithering through me. I'd thought all my ties to this boy were gone and done. It was dangerous for us to potentially be seen together because we weren't people who hung out. It would be gossip fodder.

I listened while he told me about his dad's car having been scratched and about shit on the windscreen and how he thought it could be Carla behind it.

The stress had me scrubbing a hand through my hair. I didn't see how it could be anyone else doing it, and if it was, she needed to stop before things escalated. "Fucking hell. Look, I'll contact her and if it is her, I'll get her to stop, okay? Don't worry about it. Just make sure you stick to not saying a word, otherwise I'll add to your stress by circulating the video."

"Stop threatening me." He spat out. "I've told you I won't rat you out. Just check if it's Mrs Haybrook because I don't know who else would do this, but my dad is using me as football practice."

Fuck. He was getting beat up by his arsehole dad for the trouble. Not only did I not want that on my conscience, but if pushed too far he might just tell all. "I'll sort it. Listen, I'll get a new phone and message you, okay? I've got your number written down."

"You destroyed the other one?"

Was he serious? "What do you think?"

There was silence then and I wondered what words hung unspoken in the air between us. "Why did you do it, Sophie?" He finally asked.

I felt the emotion burn at my eyeballs. "She wasn't meant to die." I said. "I was just supposed to live."

Seeing him open his mouth to ask me more, I couldn't cope. Because I would break down in front of this boy who was no one to me. So instead I yelled, "Now get out, Marcus. You can't be here."

His face wore the expression of someone not only kicked like a football physically, but also in life. Like he'd tried to connect with me in that moment, our lives entangled by what we'd overheard about each other, and I wondered if he really enjoyed being part of the gang he led, or if like me, he'd just been trying to survive.

In my calls to Carla, I'd ask if she'd been to Berkley Edge, but she denied it. Said she couldn't face being at the house at the moment.

Then as we turned into July, I heard Marcus and Damon had been in a fight and Marcus had been suspended. Chloe filled me in on all the gossip. How Damon had supposedly nicked Marcus' money and Marcus had in turn thrown a brick through his mum's car windscreen, accidentally leaving his signet ring behind as evidence.

Horrified, I wondered if Marcus' father had beaten him again. It looked like it was Damon who'd been behind everything then, not Carla after all.

Chloe also said that Marcus was starting to pull away from the group. I didn't blame him. I'd have done the same. I truly did hope that one day fate gave Marcus a helping hand, and got him away from his father, and away from people who couldn't accept his sexuality.

I'd last seen Carla physically in May. Though I understood she was still grieving, I wanted to see her and make sure she was okay. I also wondered how she was getting on with the house she'd been decorating and when I'd be able to stay over. I could talk about Lena and be a bit of company.

Every phone call started with the same topic of conversation from Carla though. My relationship with my own mother.

"I hope you're being okay with your mum, Soph. You have a chance I'd love to have again with Lena."

Here we went again. I told her once more that I couldn't suddenly be all besties with my mum after years and years of her not taking much notice of my existence.

"Yeah, I get that."

Did she? Did she really? Or did she just want me and my mum to be perfect because her and Lena were no more? Did she want rid of me? I couldn't let that happen. I still needed Carla; she was the one person I had always been able to rely on.

"I miss you, Carla, and I worry about you. Are you okay in that house on your own?" I pressed, trying to give her a hint at inviting me round.

"I'm fine, honestly. Just working a lot and doing a bit of decorating."

"Is my room ready yet?" Shit. I couldn't help myself. It had just slipped out and now I sounded like I was pushing her.

"Pardon?"

"My room. I know it's difficult with Lena and everything, but you were like a second mum to me, like an auntie or something. I miss you."

She was quiet and I thought, fuck, I've pushed too far.

"Can't I come for tea one night?" I practically begged.

"Yes, of course. Let me get a bit straighter, and just have a little more time to myself and then course you can come and have tea or something."

My breath rushed out in an exhale of relief.

"Great. I can tell you all the latest gossip. Marcus and his mate Damon got into it last week. Massive fight. He knocked one of Damon's bottom teeth out."

"How'd you know that?"

"Chloe told me. Marcus got suspended. Him and Damon aren't friends anymore, and so he's not looking like the king of school so much now. Damon's more popular, weed or not."

"Good. I don't want Marcus living a happy life. Does that make me a bad person, Soph?" She confided.

"No, it makes you a mum. Well, I'll let you go. Hurry up and get that place straight, so I can visit, okay?"

"Okay, Soph."

I hung up. It looked like it hadn't been Carla after all. Of course, Damon had known everything. He'd clearly psyched Marcus out to take his place as gang leader. And soon—not now but soon—I could go and see Carla.

It turned out to be sooner than I'd thought.

Three days later I was being dropped off at Carla's new place by my mum. The first thing I noticed was her new haircut. She'd put weight on too. She looked different. It was like she'd tried to match her outside to her insides. Wearing grief in the greyness of her pallor and the drab brown of her hair. My mother's words, 'death warmed up' sprung to mind. How she used to describe herself after hangovers. But I didn't mention the change. It wasn't as if she'd had a glam makeover, was it?

My mum got out of the car and chatted to Carla on the doorstep about what time to fetch me home and then there were just the two of us.

I was pleased to be there because it meant that now Carla and I could help each other to heal.

It was so strange being in a different place. I took a seat at the table, but it was uncomfortable. I didn't know what I'd thought. That things would magically become okay? But of course they didn't.

"So how did your last exams go?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. I did what I could. I'll hopefully get what I need for college."

"Well, that's all you need."

"Revising helped to occupy my mind." I confessed. "Funny really, that for all I didn't want to do it, in the end it was one of the only ways I could get through the day."

"It's hard." She admitted. "Every day is hard."

That was it. The moment I realised that nothing would ever be the same again. That there would be no room for me here, no regular invite for tea. Carla Haybrook as I'd known her no longer existed.

I burst out crying. She flew over to me and I sank into the comfort of her arms as inside I said goodbye. We could only unite in grief I realised as Carla cried too. Eventually, Carla moved away from me.

"I'm so sorry—" I told her.

"Don't feel sorry about grieving, Soph. It comes in waves and doesn't let you know when a huge one's about to crash. I hope you can find your appetite though."

I made myself eat the food she'd cooked for me as she'd done all my favourites and I politely answered the questions about school and prom. I tried to make the sadness in her face lift a little, but it didn't.

"So have you heard anything else about Marcus?" She asked.

"He's become a complete loner. Doesn't have friends anymore. Not since it all kicked off between him and Damon."

"Good. It doesn't matter to me what happens to him now. I'm just glad he's not living his best life."

"He definitely isn't." I assured her, and guilt flooded through me once more as I thought of the boy I'd bullied.

When Carla's number appeared on my phone two days later, I was surprised, because she didn't phone me. The effort was always on my part. I was at work and not supposed to answer my phone, but I snuck into the toilets and pressed to answer.

"Everything okay, Carla?"

"Oh shit, Sophie. I totally forgot what day it was, and that you'd be out. I just wondered if I could meet you later?"

"Is everything okay?"

"Yes, yes, I've just thought of something I wanted to talk to you about."

She sounded desperate. I didn't like it.

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yes, but this can't wait. I just need to ask something about Lena and I'd rather do it face-to-face."

"I could get my mum to drop me off, if you want me to come to yours?"

"Oh no. I'm not in the mood to cook. I thought we could just go for a walk or something."

"You want to come back to Berkley Edge? You're worrying me."

"It's easier for me to come to you that's all."

"Okay. What about meeting at Costa at six?"

"Yeah, that works out great. And I'll get you a toastie or something if you'd like?"

"Sounds like a plan. See you later, Carla."

"See you later, Sophie."

I made up a story about having a migraine to get out of work early because something was clearly wrong with Carla and I had absolutely no idea what it was.

When I got home, I placed Lena's journals in my bag, just in case, and then when the time moved around to half past five, I walked to Costa and sat there waiting.

I watched as Carla's car pulled into the car park. She smiled as she approached and that settled me somewhat. Until I jumped up to hug her and she froze. Carla had never, ever frozen in my embrace, not even at her daughter's funeral.

Oh my god.

"Your perfume…"

"Oh, yes. Fuck." God, I'd never thought. No wonder she'd frozen. I should have had a shower. She must have thought I was pretending to be Lena. "I've been wearing it since… you know. It makes me feel closer to her. I didn't think though."

"It's fine." She dismissed it. "What do you want to eat and drink, Sophie?"

"I'll come with you." I said.

All the time we were sat there, I waited for Carla to tell me why she was here, why she'd asked me to meet her. The suspense felt like I was on a slowly moving torture rack, and I was heading for the pain to start at any moment.

"So why did you want to see me? Just missing me?" I smiled, hoping that's all this was after all and that seeing me the other day had just brought back some memories of Lena she wanted to chat about with me.

"I came to talk to you about Marcus Bull." She said.

And there it was.

His name hung between us, dropped like a hangman's noose. I had to act stupid.

"Oh God, what's he done now? Is he still not leaving you alone? I'll have a word."

"That's the thing, Sophie. He's told me you've already had a word. Several words. That you blackmailed him."

"That's ridiculous." I said getting agitated now as I looked at her expression. One of disappointment and disgust. "You can't possibly believe him."

She sighed. "I don't know what I believe anymore, Sophie. All I know for sure is that my daughter is dead."

"Why are you calling me Sophie all the time?" Tears were beginning to run down my face as I realised the end of my relationship with the woman I'd thought a mother to me was here. "You call me Soph. You've always called me Soph."

"Because it's too hard. You were Lena and Soph and I can't have one without the other."

I wanted to throw up as my world tilted.

"All I wanted was to belong somewhere." I said, desperation in my tone.

Carla's voice dropped down. "What are you saying to me, Sophie?"

My confession fell from my lips. "She was never meant to die."

Carla recoiled. She pushed back on her chair, like I had a deadly disease. "What the fuck did you do? What the fuck, Sophie, did you do?"

There was no choice anymore. She had to read the journals for herself and see what she did too. I couldn't watch her blame me when that wasn't the whole truth.

"When you asked if I wanted anything from her room." I nodded towards the book and then added the others from my bag. "I took her journals because I wanted to know what was in them."

Her mouth gaped open as she saw the books in front of her. Words from her daughter she'd never seen. Words that right now she would hate I'd denied her, but not as much as she'd hate herself when she'd read them.

"Why did you take them?"

"Protection."

Pure loathing scorched her features.

"I never thought I'd see the day you looked at me like that, Carla. I always thought of you as my mum. Wanted you as my mum." I tapped the book. "You need to read them and then we can meet again. Tomorrow? Same time, same place?"

"Why? Why can't you just tell me what you did?"

"Oh I will. I'll tell you everything, but first you need to climb down from that pedestal you put yourself on." I snapped. I'd bear the scars of what I'd done, but I wouldn't carry Carla's punishment.

"Pardon?"

"Oh I'm not the only one who drove Lena to suicide. You did too."

"What?"

"Read the journals. See why Lena killed herself. It's all in there. See what you did."

She looked up at me in horror.

It was done now. We would all have to live with the truths of what we'd done. While Lena had suffered from it all.

Carla almost ran out of the coffee shop, and I wondered if she'd sit and read them in her car, but she didn't. She revved the engine and screeched out of there and I went home.

To tell my mother everything I'd done and why I'd done it.

After, my mother wanted to call Carla.

"No, Mum. We need to let Carla be. She will call if she needs us."

"I'm so very sorry," my mum apologised yet again. "I caused part of this. How I treated you, drove you to do what you did."

"It's not that simple is it, Mum? I've told you what the diaries said."

"Jesus Christ, Sophie. What a mess. When all this is done, maybe we should see someone. Help us process everything."

"I think we'd cause a psychologist to have a breakdown." I said.

My mum did a cross between a huff and a laugh. "Yes, I think we would." She replied.

24

CARLA

I didn't know how, but I managed to get myself home before I read Lena's journals. I didn't remember the journey home, my mind racing with Sophie's words, her bombshell.

What you did.

What could she mean? All I had ever done was my best for my daughter. I decided Sophie's words were filthy lies.

Finally, on the sofa I began to read.

And I read and read.

It took a long time. As I battled through tears, as I paused to throw up, as I saw everything my daughter had written on lined pages. Poems, snatches of her thoughts. Things I'd not seen even though they'd stared me in the face.

My mind wanted to block out everything I'd learned, but I knew I needed to read it through again. Make sure of the facts before me before I took action. I needed to speak to Lisa. Because while Sophie had asked for me to meet her again, I did not want our conversation to take place in a coffee shop. This was a conversation that required parents present. Whatever mixed feelings Sophie had about Lisa, the fact remained that she was her mum and the adult responsible for her.

And that was how I found myself the next morning sat in Lisa's living room while Sophie confessed to everything she'd done and I told her how I'd taken out all my hatred on Marcus before he'd told me his own story sat in A&E.

"I blame myself for what Sophie did." Lisa cried. "If I hadn't been such a shit parent she wouldn't have gone to these lengths, but it's just… I had my reasons." Lisa began crying.

"Well, given what I just read, I think you have a rival for shit parent of the year." I replied.

"S- Sophie asks me from time to time, about her father, and I've always refused to tell her, but n- no more secrets. I will tell you and you tell me if there's anything else you've kept quiet and then we find a way forward. Okay?" She looked at Sophie and her daughter nodded, but her eyes met mine and she chewed on her cheek.

"I'd better go. This is private." I said, but Lisa shook her head.

"No, please. Don't go." She took a deep inhale and turned to Sophie. "The truth is. I don't know who your father is. I was attacked one night. I- I w- was too scared to tell anyone. It was months before I realised I was pregnant, and then your grandmother threw me out. She didn't believe me. I went to the doctors, but I was too far g- gone."

Sophie's face was ghost white. "My father was a rapist? You wanted to abort me?"

"I was fifteen, Sophie. Younger than you. I didn't know what I wanted. I'd been kicked out of my home. But, no matter who your father is, you are the best thing I ever did."

"That's why you ignored me so much isn't it? You couldn't bear to look at me."

"No. N- no, that's not true."

Sophie left the room, slamming the door behind her and thundering upstairs. Lisa turned around to me and I asked her the question that had been hanging on my tongue for minutes now.

"Where were you attacked?"

And then I had to sit Lisa down and explain how she needed to call the police and how our tangled web had just potentially gathered more strands.

Because if Peter Bull was the father of Sophie.

Marcus was her brother.

Part IV

25

EXTRACTS FROM LENA HAYBROOK'S JOURNALS

13 August 2018

I'm not sure how to start! Do I say why I'm writing here? Do I write like I'm talking to a friend, or just randomly? I guess there are no rules, right? My God, can I actually do what I want here within these pages?

That's why I've decided to start a journal. I never had any interest in writing one as a kid, but I find myself writing one now at fifteen, because I need somewhere to just purge everything going on. Outside my life and inside me, because no one listens and no one sees me.

Not really.

Most people see Lena Haybrook, the perfect princess. With my perfect face and perfect hair and perfect grades. I'm punished for how I was born. But inside I am not perfect.

Far from it.

Inside I am broken, and bloody, and bruised.

I've spent the past year fighting a dark unknown enemy that can strike me down without warning. That lives within me. And as I write here, I'm trying to unburden myself of everything in the hope I can find a way through it.

I wrote a poem about it. I'm going to copy it here.

A poem about depression by Lena Haybrook

I'll put a smile upon my lips

It doesn't reach my eyes

I'll pretend it doesn't hurt me

No evidence of my lies

Tell myself I'm lucky

I get to live and breathe

But doubts and failure fill my mind

Mostly without reprieve

If at first you don't succeed

I'll try and try again

But when do you accept defeat?

When do you refrain?

Today the sun is shining

I am well and I will fight

Until the day is over

And darkness takes the light

5 September 2018

My dad keeps asking when I'm going to his again for tea. When is he going to get it through his thick skull that while ever he lives with the evil bitch I'll try to not go at all? He left my mother and I understood, I really did. My mother is not the easiest person to live with. But he's with a woman who chose to not have children. To have an operation to make sure of it. And she doesn't want me either. She's made that crystal clear.

I've tried to explain how she doesn't want me there and the things she says to me when he's out of earshot, but he doesn’t want to hear it. I'm 'misunderstanding her' and need to 'give her a chance'.

So instead I don't go at all, meaning she wins as I lose my father more and more, and as I was always a daddy's girl, this hurts.

And my mother? I can't say their names to her without a monologue on Natalie the whore and how my dad did her wrong. Her. It's always brought back to how it affected her. Never how it's affected me, the product of a broken marriage and a bitter divorce.

The worst thing was that my mum and dad always seemed so happy. Yes, he worked a lot, and yes, my mum was 'intense', but there were no huge arguments about things. They had silly squabbles about stuff like my dad eating my mum's last yoghurt from the fridge, but when the affair came to light it was like a huge shock, to Mum and to me. But I was left to work it all out for myself while Mum got herself in one of her states. In fact, I ended up trying to console and reassure my mum.

My mum gets fixated on things to a degree that is exhausting. If it's possible to be loved too much, then my mother does that to me. And since my dad left, she's got worse. She's forever in my room asking me how I am and do I need anything. Asking if I want to go shopping with her. I don't but sometimes I go along just to let her buy me something and make her happy. Since the divorce she wants to be reassured that I'm still going to pass my exams because I need prospects.

She suffocates me with kindness and with what else it is that makes her so, well, I've already said intense and I can't think of another word for it. I know I sound like an ungrateful brat, but it's too much. It's hard to describe exactly how it is when someone is always on the periphery. Every move I make is watched or questioned. I can't breathe. I can't make the mistakes teenagers make: get drunk, hang out on street corners making out with boys. She tolerates my going to fast food places with Sophie because she knows there are adults there, but other than that I feel I almost can't move an inch without her permission and anxiety about what might befall me if I should ever actually go anywhere.

Mum's not only like it with me. If I ever got to speak to my father and I asked him why he went off with Natalie I'm sure he'd say it was to escape Mum. Because the minute he got in from work she'd expect a round up of his day. What jobs he'd done, who he'd seen, any more leads to further jobs? If he complained, she'd tell him she was just interested in his work and day and that she was sorry she bothered and then she'd be narky and Dad would have to apologise, so in the end he'd take the assault of questions until she went off to cook tea and then a look would pass between us, an eye-roll, before he switched the TV on and relaxed on the sofa until dinner was served and mum started up about something else.

I put it down to boredom. My mum didn't have friends and we'd done a little about mental health at school and I actually think she had a bit of social anxiety. She worked from home and I think her own life became so small that she widened it using us. Trouble was that once my dad had gone, her attentions focused more on me.

Thanks for that, Dad!

22 September 2018

Oh my god. Yesterday I was in Costa with Sophie, and Chloe fucking Butcher started up, taking the piss out of my dad having an affair. Like that's remotely funny. She burned my hair with a lighter! We ended up fighting and I punched her in the eye. I can't lie, it felt good. It had been a long time coming. I don't know why she's always having a go at me. I've never done anything to her. Well, actually I've talked behind her back a few times, but only in response to what she's done to me. Then she took a photo of our house threatening us. Sent it to me on social media.

But now it's made me wonder if hitting Chloe was worth it because Mum is mega wound up.

She took me to the hairdressers and went out and shouted at Chloe in the street. How fucking embarrassing. It was just supposed to be between me and Chloe, this beef, but now Tamsin and Alesha have started up, and a lad called Marcus has threatened me. My mum's just made things worse now, I'm sure. I was mortified. I hope Chloe shit her pants though when my mum shouted at her.

My mother has been listening at my door. She thinks she's quiet, but I know the sounds of this house. She also wants to know what's on my phone. This morning she woke me up to demand to see my messages and she's looking out of the windows all the time because the house was threatened.

I don't know which is worse. Chloe being a grade A bitch or my mother giving me no space. At least I only get Chloe in short bursts.

Soph came over. She's the one I can count on to help keep me sane. She got us into a conversation about sharing a flat. Sometimes it's good to play at being grownups lol. It'll be a long time before I've passed all my exams and started to earn enough money that I can get my own place which sucks. I did try to talk to Soph last night about my mum, about how she is, but it was the same as usual. Soph always just says she'd rather have my mum than her own. Personally, I think if we could mix our mothers together somehow and combine their DNA, we might split them and have two normal mothers!!! Sophie's ignores her and mine won't leave me alone. I’d love a week of her mother! Can we swap? Hahahaha.

4 October 2018

Things have been a bit better at school. Mum saw Chloe's mum and now me and Chloe have called a truce. I still can't stand her, but I'll not bitch about her. She told her mother I'd spread rumours about her being a thick ho which is a lie. Though the title fits her perfectly *snort*.

8 October 2018

Well, I didn't write much because up until now I haven't had anything I felt worthwhile to say. My mood has been bleak and getting out of bed has been hard, but Soph is always getting me out and about. It helps. Anyway, just a quick catch up before I get to the big stuff.

I finally got worn down by Dad and went for tea. Natalie was her usual self. She will wrap herself around my dad and put her tongue down his throat in front of me. It's disgusting and pathetic. He told her to 'calm it down' a bit. Her face! She made me a cup of tea and when I tasted it, she'd put salt in it, just enough that it tasted disgusting. I spat it out and she said she'd made a mistake. She has a fucking sugar pot with the name written on it. I can't believe that my dad was taken in by her 'being tired' lie. Later, when Dad went to the loo, she told me I should think myself lucky it was just salt.

It's the last time I eat or drink there. She's won that round.

Anyway, last night I went to Sophie's and I had a great time. Stayed overnight. Then I popped to Maccys on my way home from school. I felt happy. Silly me. I even wrote a poem while sat at the table.

Cloud. A poem by Lena Haybrook

Sometimes they crowd

Make it so dark

But today they parted

Left me outside

A merry day

Coat abandoned

Along with rules

Sat at my table

Watching the other humans

Seeing who the clouds are gathering for next.

When I got home, I found out that being happy is a fleeting moment in time. We all strive for happiness and yet for most of us it's not a day to day reality. We're all wading through grey days and when that brightness of sunshine peeks its way through we feel ecstasy. We'd be better off accepting that mostly everything is grey.

But then, that's how I feel. Maybe others don't think that way? Maybe other people live in sunshine most of the time with only small patches of grey cloud? If they do, I envy them.

Mum greeted me at the door but not with her usual barrage of 'how has your day been?'. No making me recount every second of my existence since the moment she waved me off at the front door. No, this time she regaled me with the story of how she'd woken up that morning to find her car windscreen covered in shit and she'd watched the playback on the CCTV and it was someone who had actually done a real shit. She asked me to look at it. Thank God she meant the video. Anyway, I swear it's that Marcus. Same clothes and shoes. You can't tell one hundred percent cos the image is piss poor, but mum's calling the police.

I don't know Marcus that well, but he was known as a posh boy when we were younger. He's changed and looks like he's trying to look like a big man now. I don't get why he's smeared his shit on my mum's car. I can only think it's payback from Chloe. She said our house would get it after all. I thought we'd called a truce, but it seems she's as full of shit as Marcus!

12 October 2018

God help me.

My mother is constantly at the window, looking to see if anyone is out there. I've lost my temper with her today because she keeps asking me if Marcus has been in touch with me. I know she keeps listening outside my door again, as if I'm going to spill some great big secret to Sophie.

I haven't told my mum that I confronted Marcus at school. Soph dragged me away anyway.

Soph just helps me by talking about the future, about us having shops together side by side. I know it's only our imaginations, but it helps me feel like I'm escaping what's really happening now. Which is Marcus is a sick fuck and my mother is going ever more batshit.

15 October 2018

The police finally came and basically said they couldn't do anything. Mum was not happy. She went on and on until one of the policewomen said she'd visit Marcus to have a word. I could tell she didn't want to, but there was no way she was getting to leave our house without offering my mother something.

I need this to stop. My brain can't take it. I'm at the stage where sleep is the only place I find peace. I'm tired and what with exams, Mum, and Natalie, on top of my fucked-up brain, it's just hard right now. I'm going to bed early to escape the fuss, welcoming the darkness of sleep and when I wake up, I pray for a better day.

Please let the trouble stop.

So Mum can go back to a normal level of fuss.

26

14 November 2018

A boy called Lee in my year asked me out. I'd never really noticed him before. I don't have any classes with him. He's nice though. Quiet and studious. Thank God, when my mother met him she acted quite normal, although after he left she asked me sixty thousand questions I had no answers to. I even showed her his Facebook profile because I thought research him if you fucking want.

Dad called me tonight, upset that I haven't been round. I asked if he would meet me on my own and he told me to not be stupid, that I was being childish. Once more I explained about what Natalie does. When I said she'd done the salt on purpose, he said I was clearly going cuckoo like my mum. That Natalie was lovely and thought the world of me. Apparently, she's upset about my accusations and has told dad it's because she thinks I'm trying to get him and my mum back together.

I'm going to have to go round, but I'll just not have anything to eat and drink. And I'm going to call Natalie's bluff. I shall take flowers and chocolates and fake apologise and be so damn nice it messes with her head.

Just like she messes with mine.

30 November 2018

I've done some more mock exams. I did something else too, but I'm writing in a kind of code just in case. Something I was, I am no longer. It was okay actually. Better the second time. It still makes me chuckle that for my sixteenth birthday, part of my present from my mum was some condoms. I know she's a pain in the arse at times, but I love her dearly. She always has my best interests at heart. I'm leaving that package untouched though, because it would unleash a new round of lectures. Actually, I'm surprised she's not already brought it up. Does she seriously think we're studying all the time?

It's almost Christmas. All I want is for a peaceful Christmas and a brand new 2019 with no drama.

16 December 2018

Lee ditched me. Did I say I thought he was nice? Just before Christmas too. We'd had a great time the past six weeks, but he sent me a text saying I wasn't that great in bed and he could study on his own. I've texted him a bunch of times saying I just needed some more practice, but he's not even responded.

I'm gutted. I really liked him. I passed my mocks. Mum was more bothered about that, than my break-up. I think her words were that it was a shame but hardly the end of a marriage like she'd gone through. These days I just agree with what she says and then I come upstairs and scream into my pillow. I went through that break-up too. They both fucking hurt. They hurt a lot.

28 December 2018

Christmas was dreadful. First, spending the day with just Mum and television repeats. Sophie was home with her own. We texted each other about how bored we were.

Then I had to go to Dad's and this time I couldn't get out of eating there.

I bought Natalie a perfume. When she opened it, she asked me why I did that and fake cried. My dad asked her what was wrong and she said I'd had a conversation about what to get her for Christmas and she'd said anything but that she was allergic to jasmine and yet I'd bought her a perfume with it in. She asked why I hated her so much.

My dad's face when he looked at me was unbelievable. This was the father who'd worshipped my existence and he looked at me like I didn't know him at all. Likewise, Pops.

Natalie smirked the whole way through the dinner as I picked at my food. I pretended I wasn't feeling so good. I hate her with a passion. She won't accept that she has my dad most of the time. I only want a little bit of him, but she's taking him away. In fact, I feel I've lost him to be honest. He didn't even ask how my mocks went.

8 January 2019

So much for a happy new year. A brick was thrown through our front window. My mum's worse than ever. She won't clear up the glass that is all over the living room floor because it's 'evidence'. I've watched the video and I'm not sure who it is.

"Are you sure you don't know?" She must have asked me this twenty times.

Now she's insisted I show her Marcus on social media. I can only show her him on Facebook and that's years old.

I just went to get a snack and she's on her phone muttering about Marcus Bull even though she doesn't know it was him.

Time to stay in my room for the foreseeable.

Who am I? A poem by Lena Haybrook

My father waited for my first word, 'Dada',
now he doesn't believe any of them.

My mother shouted, "You walked, you clever girl'.

Now she's nervous of every move I make.

A girl at school says she's okay with me now.

But bricks come through my window.

My boyfriend said he wanted my firsts.

Then he treated me like a second.

My best friend tells me she's there for me.

But when I speak to her, she's not listening.

Darkness tells me there's peace to be found.

But is that true, given nothing is ever as it seems?

4 February 2019

My mum now has colour security cameras. She can access the cameras by an app on her phone. Can sit there all day and all night if she wishes watching the outside of the house. The police told her they could do nothing.

Marcus has started coming up to me at school saying he's going to push me under a bus. It's just nonsense. I don't know why he's doing it, just to show off I think because he's not a crazy psycho even if he's being irresponsible. I confronted Chloe and she swore she had nothing to do with any of the window business. She told me Sophie was the one who said I'd called her a thick ho. Lying cow. She just wants to cause trouble between us. She's always been jealous of our friendship. Soph would never do that to me.

Then again, I didn't expect my own father to choose a thick ho over me, did I?

I know my bestie only has my best interests at heart, but she told mum about Marcus and now my mum is insisting on driving us to school and picking us up. That won't cause me to be the butt of any hilarity will it? Mum also asked Sophie to record Marcus threatening me. I can't deal with Sophie becoming like Mum, but she's on Mum's side. Why won't she listen to me? He's better off ignored.

Oh my god. Mum's been to his house.

I can't take much more.

Sophie keeps rattling on about our future life.

I've got to survive the present first.

5 February 2019

My dad phoned to say he was thinking of proposing to Natalie on Valentine's Day. I told him Valentines was naff and asked if he'd thought of doing it on a nice holiday somewhere in the summer.

He thought my idea was fantastic.

I'm just hoping by then he's stopped thinking with his cock.

The last thing I need is to know Natalie is going to be a permanent fixture.

But I guess it's unavoidable.

18 February 2019

I heard the door bang earlier and looked out of my bedroom window and saw my mum run down the street. She had her phone held up and ran up to Marcus and some other lads. She looked like a proper nutjob.

When she got in, I begged her to stop, but she's not listening. I banged my door shut in frustration. Usually, she'd shout at me for that, but she's too obsessed with Marcus to know what's happening in front of her eyes.

She's not seeing me once again.

I'm begging and pleading and breaking and desperate in front of her eyes and she can't see for the blinkers with the name Marcus Bull embroidered on the front.

Strangulated without hands. An acrostic poem by Lena Haybrook.

Say you'll remember me

Though how will you, if you don't see me while I'm here?

Rescue me

Allow me to be visible

Not invisible

Grant me the audience I seek and let me speak

Up

Listen

Allow me to be believed

Truth. It's what I speak.

Every word.

Denied again. I'm not sure what the answer is anymore, except maybe I'm being given it. That I should disappear, become the dark shadows.

29 March 2019

The first day of the school holidays and the time I need to make my mind up about whether or not I stay alive. Do I sound dramatic? I'm sure I won't off myself, but I need to get out there and remember the good things in life.

1 April 2019

Today is my best friend and tacos! I can't wait!

* * *

Huh, I hadn't even got in the doorway when Marcus appeared.

Is he really stalking me now?

How did he know I was there?

Sophie says he threatened to stab me.

Maybe he is crazy.

Maybe I'm crazy.

I don't know anymore.

What I do know. Mum phoned 999. The police are coming again.

My taco was disgusting. It arrived cold, but with all the drama I didn't get chance to take it back.

Maybe it's a sign.

10 April 2019

A glimmer of hope in a time of darkness. A poem by Lena Haybrook.

A fresh start

A new place

A new dad?

Start it all again.

The past in the past.

The morons of Berkley Edge a distant memory.

A chink of sunlight in a dark day.

I had such a good chat with mum tonight. She actually said she was looking for a new place for us to live. A rental away from Berkley Edge. It inspired my poem above. I chatted to her about Dad and although she brought up again that he cheated on her, rather than us, she did say she was considering dating again and we even had a little giggle about things.

I think if we started afresh and she began dating again, things would be a lot better.

* * *

Okay universe, you win.

I can't do this anymore.

It's one step forward and what feels like six back. I feel I'm so far back now I can no longer go forward.

Lee recorded us having sex. I had no idea until tonight when his video has been circulated. I don't know if he did it, or Marcus got hold of it. It's from yet another 'unknown source' that I know will never be discovered. They'll get away with it like everything else.

But I won't get away with it.

This, a 'sex tape', will follow me for life, won't it? Escaping to a new house won't escape this. In any case I'm too exhausted for it all.

Sophie has phoned me with her plans to deal with it including phoning the police.

It's just a repeating pattern of crap.

I told Sophie I loved her.

My phone is pinging and I hear jeering outside my windows and my mother on a mission again, but I'm ignoring it all. No point in telling any of them to stop. They'll just ignore me.

Funny really. I wanted to be seen. Now my naked body is everywhere.

Be careful what you wish for.

I wondered about phoning my dad to tell him that I love him, but if Natalie was there then maybe he'd not take any notice. I'll text him instead. I'd have rather spoken to him, but I am far too exhausted to deal with Natalie's games.

I was telling Sophie that I'd sleep on everything and we'd sort it all tomorrow when Mum came in.

There was such worry on her features and I knew it came from a place of love, but I couldn't carry her troubles and my own. I got out of bed and told her I was glad she was moving on and that I loved her.

She just left my room.

I've just torn out a corner from my journal.

In a moment I will walk over to my wardrobe and kneel down. I'll reach to the back, underneath and put my journal back there into my place of secrets and I will get out the two plastic bottles I've filled with tablets.

If anyone ever does find and read this, then I am sorry. I know it might be you, Sophie, because I asked you to get them and destroy them if anything ever happened to me.

Please know there was nothing else for me to do.

I just needed peace.

And it's not meant for me in this life. No matter the events of late, the darkness has been on me for a while. The eclipse has come and I wait to hopefully find a new beautiful sunshine in the next life or peace if that's all that there is after.

I'm writing I'm sorry on the scrap of paper I tore off because I've nothing left except those two words. I know it won't be enough for my mum, but I've nothing left in me for anything more. I told her I loved her.

It's time now.

Time to put away the journals.

Time to take the tablets and climb into my bed.

Praying for peace.

27

CARLA

Lisa is stunned by the bombshell I've just dropped on her. I tell her that he attacked me and he let me go when he saw I was pregnant.

She staggered to the sofa, her head in her hands.

"How will she ever come to terms with who her father was? What did I think I was doing, telling her? It was a mistake."

"I don't have any answers, Lisa. I wish I did." I said truthfully. "One thing though. In Lena's journals she said she wished Sophie and her could mix us both up."

Lisa's brow creased.

"She said you weren't enough, and I was too much and if we could be mixed and split then her and Sophie would both have a perfect mum."

Her jaw dropped as she took in my words.

"I have no idea if that is indeed the right mix of parenting, but it's worth a shot, right? So go see your daughter and tell her what she needs to hear. That you love her and you're there for her and then neither stay away from her or suffocate her. Somehow find the middle ground."

She nodded. "She really is the best thing I ever did in my life, no matter where she came from. I sometimes think fate made me not realise I was pregnant until it was too late. That she was meant to be."

"That's what she needs to hear." I sighed. "Right, I need to be going. I'm sorry, I know a lot has happened in the last few hours, but I read other things in Lena's diary that I need to deal with."

"Do you need me?"

I was shocked at that point. A woman in a state of emotional turmoil asked if I needed her.

"You have no idea how much I appreciate you asking, but no. Go see Sophie and tell her I said no more guilt. We all played a part in Lena's death, hers no more than most. I don't want Lena to have died in vain. She wanted Sophie to succeed."

Lisa nodded.

"You know where I am if you need me, Carla, but I'll not bug you. My offer is genuine though, not empty words. Anytime. Okay?"

"Thank you."

I turned down the path. I had research to do and places to visit, but now I also needed to call into a chemist or supermarket.

Because my conversation with Lisa made me realise that I didn't know the last time I'd had a period, though I did know the last time I had sex.

After my daughter's funeral. Almost three months ago. And even though we'd used a condom, I had to check.

Part V

28

CARLA

Since Lena had died it had been a daily struggle to exist, to put one foot in front of the other. The only thing that had fuelled me to do so had been my need for vengeance. And then I found that nothing is what I'd assumed, and that some of the blame for my daughter's death lies with myself.

So many things transpired to take my daughter to a place where she felt ending her life was the only option, but she'd seemed hopeful with the thought of a fresh start. Until the video. Now it was time for me to find out who'd sent it.

I was in my living room and there were three different pregnancy test kits on the side. To be honest I'd not had the courage or strength to do them yet, but I knew I must. I told myself it was the menopause, but I was forty-one. It would be unusual to be in the menopause now. Not impossible, but unusual.

Then again, I'd experienced enough shocks of late to send my body haywire. Taking a deep breath, I walked upstairs to find out answers to a question I didn't want to ask. Not really.

Every test gave me the same answer.

I was pregnant.

And now I was in a worse state than ever because I'd thought it was almost time for me to say goodbye and join my daughter.

But my decisions were no longer that simple.

I decided to work with what I could handle. To try to find out more about the video and to forget what was physically growing inside me.

When Lena died, I'd never thought that Lee could be responsible for the video's release. Not for a moment. I'd just blamed Marcus for everything, and now? Now the boy I'd welcomed into my home could have been the person whose actions pushed my daughter to the edge of what she could handle.

I just needed to know the truth. It didn't really matter now about any further punishments. I'd already gone too far. What if Lee also had his reasons for what he'd done?

I knew I could call his mum, but I felt like I needed to search social media first. I didn't know what I expected to find, but maybe I could bring Elise back and trick the information out of him?

No, Carla. No more games. Just get your coat on and go and ask.

I was so weary. Putting everything down, I fell asleep on the sofa. What was one more day?

Nausea was my morning alarm call and once more I was sick, although now I knew why. Once again refusing to acknowledge it beyond these physical symptoms, I rinsed out my mouth and got ready to call Lee.

I wondered what sort of a boy Lee actually was? He'd presented to me as kind, caring, and understanding, but I knew now that many didn't show their true faces. I decided to switch on my computer and put on Facebook and I looked up Angela Swinton. If anyone was going to talk about their children's personalities it was a mother, even with their bias.

I found her straightaway and went down her feed, but she didn't post much and it tended to be posts about Animal Crossing. Her cover photo was of her son and daughter when they were younger but there was little else. I clicked onto her friends list to see if her husband had a Facebook account and then a photo on her friend's list made my heart skip a beat.

Natalie.

Natalie was 'friends' with Lee's mother.

It was a coincidence. It had to be.

I did a search on Angela's profile for Natalie and found a photo from six years ago. A family get-together for a fortieth birthday. Natalie was Angela's sister. Natalie was Lee's auntie.

Do not jump to conclusions.

Do not jump to conclusions.

Do NOT jump to conclusions.

I was dressed and out of the door before my brain had caught up to my feet.

I parked on the street outside and walked up a short driveway before knocking on the Swintons' door. After a minute Lee answered. He looked shocked to see me. "Mrs Haybrook. Are you okay? We weren't expecting you, were we? My parents are at work."

"I just have a question to ask you, Lee. Can I come in?"

He nodded his head and I stepped through the doorway.

I followed him through to the living room, having slipped off my shoes in the hall.

"You're lucky I'm in." He told me. "I'm usually at college but my tutor for the day is off sick."

"I'd have come back later. It's kind of that important." I told him.

He nodded his head. His eyes were widened. In fear.

"Oh, Lee." I said. "What did you do?"

"Wh- what do you mean?"

He was standing there looking guilty as fuck, but he clearly wanted me to spell it out for him.

"I'm guessing Natalie is behind all of this, Lee. The question is how guilty are you?"

The boy broke down and I realised I had yet another victim in front of me. "She made me date Lena. She made me make the video and she made me send it to her."

"And if you didn't?"

"She said she had evidence my dad has been cheating on my mum and she'd send it." He looked at the floor. "My dad cheated before, a long time ago, and mum said if he ever did it again that was it. I couldn't risk it. I didn't know Lena would kill herself. I just thought it would embarrass her and she'd want to move away from Berkley Edge. Then Natalie would be rid of you, and my family would stay as it was."

I didn't care whether his dad had cheated on his mum and I didn't care about Lee.

"Do not warn your auntie I know anything, or I'll tell your mum about your dad myself." I warned him and then I left him in his house.

I made an urgent appointment with my general practitioner. Due to the fact so many weeks had passed, they managed to get me a dating ultrasound booked there and then with the local maternity unit. I had a long wait at the hospital with a bladder full of pee, but I left with photos of a now very real unborn baby.

And in the early evening, I drove myself to Ant and Natalie's.

Ant answered the door and he gave me a guarded smile. "Hello, Carla, love. You okay?"

I shook my head.

"No, Anthony, and you aren't going to be okay either. Can I come in?"

He nodded, and taking my coat to hang up, he let me through. I walked into the living room.

"Who was it?" Natalie said without even looking up.

"Your worst nightmare." I replied.

She shot around to look at me, launching to her feet. "You'd better have a good reason for setting foot in my home."

"I have many. Now shut your fucking mouth while I talk to my ex-husband."

"You can't talk to me like that in my—"

I took the screwdriver out of my bag and brandished it in her face. "Unless you want this through your eyeball, I suggest you sit back down and shut the fuck up."

She asked Ant if he was going to let me talk to her like this, but she did sit down. Ant carefully walked over and stood between the chair Natalie sat in and the sofa I was on.

"Okay, Carla, we're listening and despite what's happened in the past, I'm here for you." He turned to a scoffing Natalie. "The woman just lost her daughter. Have some compassion."

Then he spoke to me again, in a soothing, 'let's calm the nutter down' way.

"I'm going to give something to you, Ant, but I need them back. They're Lena's journals. I didn't know she was keeping them, but Sophie gave them to me. It shows that there were many reasons why she killed herself." I looked over at Natalie who sat still.

"She was being bullied as you know, but the journals show it wasn't as simple as we thought. The lad who bullied her, Marcus, was being blackmailed by Sophie."

"Her best friend Sophie?" Ant asked, incredulous.

I nodded. "And Sophie was doing it out of some misguided notion that she could come live with us. It's complicated. You need to read it. She talks about us, Ant. Lena. About how I suffocated her and you with my intensity about things. About how she tried to talk to you about Natalie, but you ignored her.

"Oh yeah? What lies did she have to say about me?" Natalie spat out.

"Where do I start with what she said about you? Threatening her. Putting salt in her drinks instead of sugar."

"That was a misunderstanding." Ant said, still defending her now.

"What about her asking her nephew Lee to date our daughter, sleep with her, and then hand over a video for Natalie to circulate? Was that a misunderstanding too?" I said. "You know, the video that was the final straw before our daughter took her own life."

"She's a lying whore, just like her daughter was." Natalie ranted again.

That was it. She could call me what she liked, but she would not sully my daughter's name. But before my fist could reach her face, Ant's hand had slapped her across the cheek.

"That's my dead daughter you're talking about." Ant was stunned. "You… you've always spoken about her so well. Now you're calling her a whore? What the hell's got into you?"

"You're mine, not theirs. You left them, for me. I didn't want Lena around. She talked about how wonderful her mother was on purpose. Trying to get you to leave. And I don't like kids. I hardly ever see my own fucking niece and nephew, why would I have wanted your kid around?"

Ant's jaw had dropped. "So are you telling me you did put salt in her drink?"

"While ever she was around, you were linked to Carla. I didn't think the silly cow would top herself. I just thought she'd leave eventually if I kept on at her. Anyway, you just said yourself." She turned back to me. "There were a few reasons why she chose to end her life. Probably one of which is because you're fucking cuckoo. Now get out of my house." She yelled.

"I'm not actually finished with what I came to say. But I'm sure you'll be the first to congratulate us." I turned to my ex-husband. "Ant, we're pregnant."

I didn't get a chance to see his response because Natalie launched from her seat in a fury and I had a body on me raining down blows on my stomach. "You fucking bitch. You did that on purpose. No. No. No. No."

She forgot I had a screwdriver to hand. I brought it up and shoved it straight into her neck.

I'm no medic. I didn't know I'd hit her carotid directly, but I wasn't sad when I did. My adrenaline pumped like the blood that spurted everywhere around us. Ant had leaped in to pull me away from Nat and we were soaked through as she bled out. Within thirty seconds, Natalie was unconscious.

"What do we do now?" Ant finally found his voice. I stared at him. We looked like we were in the movie Carrie.

"What you do now, is to look after our child better than we did our first." I told him. "Because I'll be in prison."

Ant grabbed hold of his mobile and I knocked it out of his hands. "I hit her carotid. She'll be dead within minutes, and anyway, I don't want her to survive. If she survives, what will she do to our new child?"

Ant seemed speechless and I didn't blame him. He'd just been told he was going to be a father, that the answers for our daughter's death laid in journals now on the chair, and his partner was dying on the sofa, killed at the hands of his ex-wife.

"I- I got a text from Lena, saying she loved me." He managed to say. It came the evening she died. I never responded to it. I told Nat about it and she distracted me with a blow job. What the fuck did I do to our family, Carla?"

He grabbed hold of the screwdriver and then pulled Natalie's still bleeding body onto himself.

"Get out of here, Carla. Look after that baby, and right all the wrongs we did."

I shook my head. "Don't be stupid. I killed her."

He felt at Nat's pulse. "No, she's not dead yet." And then he pulled his arm back and stabbed the screwdriver back through her neck.

The light faded from her eyes.

"I killed her." He said. "And my behaviour with Lena means I don't deserve a second chance at fatherhood. Go. But send me photos, won't you? Of our beautiful new baby?"

"I don't get it, Ant. We used a condom, but yet I'm pregnant."

He smiled. "Carla, that condom had been in my wallet from right back when I'd first cheated with Nat. It was ancient."

"Oh." There was nothing else to say and so I left the room, though I didn't know whether Ant would stick to what he said or whether the police would arrive at my door and arrest me for murder.

Carefully, covering my bloody clothing with my coat, I got into my car. We made sure I touched nothing on my way out of the house. Natalie and Ant lived on a quiet cul de sac in a detached house with a large private driveway. I could only hope no one had noticed me arrive and leave, but I'd leave it all for fate to decide.

Once home, I showered the blood from me and then I put my bloodied clothing in a black sack. If the police didn't come, tomorrow I would destroy it. I'd find somewhere to visit in the dead of night and burn it.

I realised I'd left Lena's journals at Ant's. Would I ever get them back?

The hours dragged on and I just sat there reliving everything over and over. All of it. Not just Lena's death but every single thing that had happened since Ant left me. If my 'intensity' had made him leave, then ultimately had I killed our daughter?

Or would depression have taken her anyway?

Did Marcus' actions contribute?

What Sophie did?

What Lee did? Natalie? Ant?

I'd never have a definitive answer.

If I weren't pregnant, I would have drunk to Natalie's death.

The police arrested Anthony for Natalie's murder. The local press went wild and I was glad I didn't live in Berkley Edge anymore.

My house sold and I moved. Far, far, away.

Where I could start all over again.

29

SOPHIE

I might have been trying to get my head around my own parentage and my mum reporting a years old crime, but I heard the gossip about Anthony Haybrook and it shocked me to the core.

He'd killed Natalie.

Why? What had led him to do that?

I tried to call Carla, but her number was unobtainable. I guessed she was getting lots of calls about it.

A couple of days later I asked Mum to drive me to Carla's house.

But she wasn't there. There was no evidence of her living there. The house was furnished, but nothing of Carla's remained.

The day after that, a letter came.

Sophie.

You will have heard the news by now about Ant and Natalie. I need to make a completely fresh start. I'm sorry to cut off our ties, but you need to focus on your own future. You have a loving mum who will do her best for you, I know. Please make the most of all opportunities in life where Lena can't. I'm sure she's watching over you waiting for you to open your shop!

But even if you choose to follow a different path, as long as you're happy, that's what counts.

I know it will be hard to come to terms with who your father is, and if you need counselling for that, take it. But remember fathers come in many guises, not just biological, and you never know, your mum might yet bring a good one home for you one day!

And you have a brother. Be kind to each other. You've both been through so much. Maybe now you can be each other's support?

One day I just might come find you again, but right now, I had to get completely away.

I hope you understand.

I know it doesn't make up in any way for the fact I've left, but I wanted to help you put a deposit on that first business, or on a first home. I've given your mum a contribution. It's yours when you're eighteen.

Carla xoxo

I did understand, but it still crushed my soul.

Then my mum told me Carla had given me twenty thousand pounds.

30

MARCUS

"You've got some mail." Mum said, passing me an envelope. She hovered nearby.

"I'll show it you once I've read it." I told her. She nodded and moved away, but not far. It made me smile.

Dad had been arrested on suspicion of carrying out several sexual assaults and was remanded in custody. He was trying to plead not guilty, but more women kept coming forward. Although, Dad's case had been knocked off the gossip charts by Ant stabbing Natalie.

I opened my letter.

Marcus.

You will have heard about Ant and Natalie I'm sure.

I needed a fresh start and so I've moved away. I hope you can understand. I made a promise to you and your mum and I'm keeping that promise. You need to look in the place you've always kept your savings. Also, you need better security. Never leave a key under a plant pot.

I gave your money to a bullying charity, but now I'll cover that donation and I'm returning your money to you. Spend it wisely.

Get away from your father and live your true life.

Please keep in touch with Sophie if you can. I know you both have a lot to get your head around.

Live your best life. Carla.

I flung the letter at my mum and ran upstairs. Under my mattress I found my five hundred pounds in cash in an envelope and then another envelope addressed to Mum.

By now, Mum had followed me upstairs and so I handed her the envelope with her name on it.

With a creased brow she opened it and slid out a cheque.

"Oh my god."

"What is it, Mum?"

"It's a cheque for twenty thousand pounds, Marcus."

Mum burst into tears.

We could leave.

31

CARLA

My new home was near the beach. A rental because you never knew when you needed to move. I'd already had neighbours asking probing questions, especially once my pregnant belly had begun to swell.

I knew they were gossiping behind their closed doors.

They should be careful jumping to conclusions. It could set tragedy in motion.

I stroked my belly and my son kicked hard. Tomorrow, I was booked in for a c-section and I'd get to meet him.

He was perfect. Ten tiny fingers. Ten tiny toes. He had a smattering of dark hair, and rosebud lips. He smelled like heaven. Lena was never far from my thoughts, and I wondered if she was up in heaven laughing at me, saying, 'Look what I did. I got you and Dad back together even if only for a moment in time and now I have a brother that can stay where I could not'. It helped me to cope with her loss if I thought of it in those terms.

I had no idea what came next, but then none of us did. I was no different from any other parent in that respect.

I thought of Sophie and Marcus often and hoped they'd manage to try to move on. As far as Ant went, I had no idea of how much contact I'd have with him. For now, I'd send him the photos I'd promised but from post-boxes nowhere near where we lived. I didn't know what the future would bring.

Just as I had no idea what would happen if anyone ever tried to touch a hair on my newborn son's head…

THE END

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About the Author

Andie M. Long is author of the popular Supernatural Dating Agency series amongst many others.

She lives in Sheffield with her son and long-suffering partner.

When not being partner, mother, or writer, she can usually be found on Facebook or walking her whippet, Bella.

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