Author: Brian James
Date: 2002-02-02 05:00:00+00:00
Keywords: Young Adult; Fiction; Coming Of Age; Teen; Contemporary; Literary Fiction; School; Drama; High School
Description: A spellbinding trip of a novel about three friend breaking apart in their quest to stave off boredom and sameness.It's not about the drugs. It's not about the girls or the fights or the fading streetlights. It's about two nights that weren't going to be different from the rest, but then took a turn. It's about trying to find out who you are and who your real friends are. It's about everything being the same, the same, the same. It's about nothing being the same again. It's about Brendon, WIll, and Kevin -- three friends on different paths -- and the weekend that put them to the test.
Publisher: Push

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PURE SUNSHINE

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go there.

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other titles available from

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Cut

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patricia mccormick

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Kerosene

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chris wooding

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You Remind Me of You

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eireann corrigan

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PURE SUNSHINE

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✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹

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BRIAN JAMES

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SCHOLASTIC INC.

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new york
toronto london auckland sydney 25
mexico city
new delhi hong kong buenos aires ROUGH PAGES

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If you purchased this book without a cover, you should be aware that this book is stolen property. It was reported as 12

“unsold and destroyed” to the publisher, and neither the author nor the publisher has received any payment for this 13

“stripped book.”

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No part of this publication may be reproduced in whole or in part, or stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any 15
form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopy-ing, recording, or otherwise, without written permission of 16
the publisher. For information regarding permission, write 17
to Scholastic Inc., Attention: Permissions Department, 555

Broadway, New York, NY 10012.

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ISBN 0-439-45551-0

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Copyright © 2002 by Brian James.

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All rights reserved. Published by Scholastic Inc.

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SCHOLASTIC and associated logos are trademarks and/or registered trademarks of Scholastic Inc.

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Cover design by Steve Scott

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First Electronic Edition: April 2002

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This book is dedicated to

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Chris and the other Chris,

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Ryan, Jamie, Laura, and Sarah-Maria.

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Keep on keeping on!

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ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

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Dan — it is what it is, though 6

Carrie — someone I’ve always known 7

W. Axl Rose — rock ✰ extraordinaire 8

David — for making scribbles into words 9

Mom & Dad — thanks for everything 10

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THE SUN FELL FROM THE SKY to go and sleep elsewhere. It 12
was a surrender of sorts, a passing of its reign for the 13
moon to awake. And I lived for that in-between tran-14
sience when the glass buildings reflected the brilliance 15
of twilight, when the sky was swept with a short and sud-16
den color of flames before fading dull and gray. I waited.

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On the park bench, I faced the clouds and waited for that 18
perfect moment when the drugs take over.

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The shadows of the trees stretched farther in an 20
exhale of length. The rays of the sun were failing to 21
reach the eastern horizon. Headlights switched on by the 22
dozens as the automobiles inched up Walnut Street in 23
the rush-hour maze. I began to see it happen, like the 24s
instant of impact in a neutron explosion. The entire city 25

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was bathed in crowning light, and for a brief second even 2

Philadelphia appeared to have been carved from gold. I 3
extended my tongue, hoping by chance to ingest the mir-4
acle of weather. I felt the bitter stinging. Eager for the 5
photographic flash that occurs when night has taken the 6
edge and all color fades. I waited, knowing that if I 7
blinked I’d miss it completely.

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Eyelids open . . pushed to the extreme by cold and 9
wind. The nerve centers of my mouth were growing 10
numb. One fleeting image of intensity before the 11
swollen clouds of evening lulled into view. As the bright-12
ness receded overhead, I slowly brought my tongue 13
down, letting it settle in my mouth . . allowing the tab of 14
acid to dissolve further before swallowing.

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As I sat up, Kevin and Will, who hadn’t paid attention 16
to the changes in the sky, seemed to take their first notice 17
of me in some time. Kevin saw the schoolboy smile 18
broaden across my face. He was confused at first, but 19
then he looked into my eyes and knew.

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“Don’t tell me you just ate yours!” he said, all the 21
while aware that I had. He shook his head in mock 22
reproach. “Why you always hold on to it so long? It’ll 23
give you the shits that way.”

24s

The smile on my face got wider and wider until I 25

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couldn’t hold it back any longer. Glancing over at Will, 1

I saw him struggle with the same strain. When our 2
glances met, we lost it. All three of us just starting laugh-3
ing. It was like that when the three of us got together. We 4
could be just as unworried as children playing on the 5
monkey bars. And it weren’t because of the drugs that we 6
were laughing, not yet. In a few hours maybe, once the 7
strychnine found its merry way into the brain and dis-8
torted reality. But right then, we laughed just ’cause we 9
were friends.

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But still, giving credit where credit be due, the acid 11
was a bit of a happy pill, our moods changed by the sim-12
ple fact that we knew in three hours’ time we’d be mind-13
racing like a clown at circus speed. Earlier in the day 14
when school let out, Kevin had been in one of his 15
grumpy phases. As a matter of fact, so had me and Will 16
but we don’t wear it like he does. It was only Thursday 17
and we all had that why isn’t it Friday? feeling.

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We had drifted up and down South Street for a stay, 19
looking for girls to meet but only spying the usual-type 20
preteen lassies. The kind with lipsticked faces who try 21
acting older than they are. We were seventeen. Men. We 22
needed real women, and the sight of all those immature 23
schoolgirls frustrated us. I think that’s what had set us in s24

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our mood, in addition to it being only Thursday and not 2

Friday. That’s probably how it would have stayed, too, if 3
we hadn’t run into Adam.

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Adam was one of those club-gangster types with the 5
turned-back felt Kangol hat and jeans hanging off his ass.

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But he was also a no-hassle dealer. Didn’t give you the 7
runaround. Let you pay with no chitchat. By luck he’d 8
just scored a sheet of California acid. “Pure Sunshine”

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he’d called it because it had little yellow suns illustrated 10
on each tab. It didn’t take much convincing to get our 11
money. For five bucks each we’d be fucked up all night, 12
and our Thursday would be like Friday anyway.

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“There’s no turning back now, boys,” I said once the 14
laughter faded. It was the truth, too. I always had the 15
same sensation after eating acid. It was like driving a fast 16
car directly at a brick wall, and once you passed the 17
marker, you could no longer stop in time. Once you 18
swallowed that tiny piece of paper-dipped toxin, you 19
were in for the long haul. Sitting on that bench I knew 20
that I wouldn’t be normal-thinking for another eight to 21
ten hours. I always got a small nervous feeling, like the 22
one you get on the first day of kindergarten. It was a 23
gnawing knot of panic that left me thinking, There’s no 24s
turning back now, boys!

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Will would always nod his head when I’d say things of

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that sort . . like he was an old wise man with a long white 1
beard who couldn’t disagree with some profound truth 2
ventured by a child. I liked it when he did that. It let me 3
know that in some unexplainable way we were con-4
nected. That imperceptible nod and the seriousness of 5
his face, admiring that I could state his exact sentiments 6
in such a simplistic phrase.

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Kevin leaped up from his perch beside me. Staring us 8
clear in the eyes, he also told it exactly as it was. His voice 9
all full of excitement. “Damn straight we ain’t turning 10
back. It’s gonna be fire-magic in the head alright.”

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I never could tell if Kevin got the nervous sickness 12
like Will and I got. If he did, he never showed it. In a way 13
this was a good thing. He’d act as the conductor of our 14
fantasy-fueled orchestra, setting the tempo for us to fol-15
low. His enthusiasm was quick in ridding my own 16
doubts. Without him, Will and I probably would have 17
spent the entire night on that bench trapped in some 18
paranoid movie of our own creation, unable to partici-19
pate in the surreality surrounding us. But something 20
about Kevin’s attitude always frightened me. It scared me 21
the way he loved drugs without any inhibitions.

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“You’re right, you’re right. Both of you are always 23
right,” Will chimed in. Then he stood. He had a way of s24
moving that the eye could miss, mechanical yet with the 25

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swiftness of a snake. When he moved like that, it always 2
threw Kevin and me off guard. In the corner of my eye, I 3
caught Kevin’s expression directed at me. He’d seen it, 4
too.

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“Where’re you two going?” I asked, still seated.

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“Umm, nowhere. I don’t know.” Will suddenly real-7
ized that he’d stood for no reason.

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“Oh, nowhere,” I said softly, as if in contemplation.

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“Then why don’t you guys take a seat? You’re jumping 10
around like fucking grasshoppers. It’s making me ner-11
vous.”

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I smiled again, getting the laugh out of them I’d 13
wanted. But they didn’t sit down right away. I could tell 14
that Will and Kevin were fidgety. They’d probably swal-15
lowed their hits a good half hour before I had. I wanted 16
to explain to them it’s better to wait for the last second 17
of sunshine. That was the true meaning of “Pure 18

Sunshine.” But they would have thought I was kidding. I 19
had a habit of creating little rituals that had significance 20
to me alone. Sometimes I’d share them, and Kevin and 21

Will would be understanding and even participate, but I 22
knew they never really believed like I did. So I kept this 23
one to myself. Maybe I would tell them later, once we 24s
were all peaking and they could appreciate the beauty of 25
idiosyncrasy.

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Since I had waited and they hadn’t, they were a short 1
step in front of me. I could tell by the slow expanse of the 2
pupils in their eyes . . the way they’d been wringing their 3
hands once I’d finally taken my gaze away from the 4
clouds. Now standing up, they shifted from foot to foot.

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They’d gotten the itch for new scenery, the one sure sign 6
of the dawning of an acid trip.

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As confirmation, they both sat for a second, only to 8
stand right back up again. Knowing I wouldn’t win this 9
battle, I also stood. We started to walk, walking right out 10
of the park. The street lamps were on and our slow pace 11
was in step with the soft illumination. I felt my stomach 12
knotting up and realized I was also growing just the least 13
bit anxious.

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Center City was abuzz with the bustle of adults head-15
ing home. But they were in cars and we were on foot.

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When the sun sank, Philly was our town. It’s not a city 17
like New York or L.A. in the movies, where at night it’s 18
alive just like noon. No, Philly’s different. Once all those 19
cars traveled the highway to home, they didn’t come out 20
again. And when the shops closed at nine, it became a 21
skyscrapered ghost town. Only muggers and misfits, and 22
we enjoyed being a little of both.

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We headed downtown, across Broad Street and past s24

City Hall. I felt like waving to the statue of Billy Penn 25

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way atop. He looked lonely up there, forever pointing 2
toward nothing in particular. But I didn’t wave. It didn’t 3
seem worth the effort once the light changed and my 4
feet got going again. I took a cigarette from my pocket 5
instead. I’d been lucky enough not to get carded the day 6
before. I was happy to see I still had an almost full pack.

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Lord knows I’d need it soon. There was some ingredient 8
in acid that just made a person crave cigarettes.

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Unchecked, I could go through two packs. And I’m not 10
even a real smoker.

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Kevin must have smelled the stale smoke, else he 12
heard the crank of the lighter, ’cause his head whipped 13
around at first puff.

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“Shit, you got cigarettes? Why didn’t you say any-15
thing — gimme one?”

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I raised my eyebrows, teasing him. “No way! You and 17

I both know I’ll need every last one.”

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“I’ll get some later, come on.”

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“Yeah, right! Who’ll buy them for you? Or are you 20
going to steal some of your mom’s Virginia Slims? You 21
can forget it.”

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“Come on!” Now he was pleading.

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“Nope.”

24s

While we bantered back and forth, Will moved in 25
that motor-snake way of his again, pulling a fresh ciga-

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rette from his own pocket and lighting it with a match. I 1
saw him do it and couldn’t help but crack a smile. Kevin 2
turned in his direction only to have his annoyance 3
increase tenfold.

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“You bastard, you got some, too? Come on, give me 5
one.” But Will and I enjoyed this little sport too much.

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Neither of us responded. Kevin quickly saw where we 7
were going with this. “That’s cool! You’re both assholes!”

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I took my cigarettes out and handed him one. He took 9
it without thanks and asked if I had a light. Will and I 10
started to laugh again, knowing we could play the game 11
all over. But I didn’t want to get Kevin in a mood, espe-12
cially when we would be tripping in a very short while.

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So I gave him my lighter.

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We walked for a couple of blocks, enjoying the 15
autumn air, which somehow always made a cigarette 16
taste better. As a group, we decided it was best to eat 17
soon. Once the effects of the high kicked in, we’d be too 18
much of a mess to enter any restaurant. Not to mention 19
that acid is about the best diet pill in the world. It 20
wouldn’t be long before the sight of food in any form 21
would make us all nauseous. So we headed toward the 22
river, down by Chestnut Street where the restaurants 23
were dark.

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We chose an uncrowded location. It was probably 25

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fancier than it should have been. With our faded jeans 2
and secondhand thrift store shirts, we didn’t exactly fit in.

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Actually, we stood out like London street punks in a 4

Baptist church down South. Our drugged appearance 5
got the disapproving looks from the few other customers 6
and the hostess alike. We sort of appreciated that, though.

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It reassured us that we were not like them. We were not 8
nine-to-five Republicans. It was uplifting to create a stir 9
whenever we entered one of those places. An in-your-10
face gesture, like we had said, “Look, we’re gonna 11
change your world and we don’t care if you like it or 12
not,” just by walking in. Will even had the courage to 13
light another cigarette as the middle-aged hostess 14
showed us to our table, way in the back. God, I fucking 15
loved when he did stuff like that.

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We sat down and pulled in our chairs, and I felt a sud-17
den sense of adventure. The night was slipping into 18
insanity, and I was aware of it. There was no turning back 19
now, and I loved it.

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SIMPLY PUT, IT WAS A BAD IDEA. We’d have been much 12
better off getting hot dogs at the grease trucks up on 13

Market. I completely forgot to calculate the time spent 14
waiting for service . . the twenty minutes before the 15
unfriendly waiter takes your order, the other forty it takes 16
to actually get your food, and the near half hour you 17
wait once you’ve eaten before you can get the lousy 18
check. It was always the same in restaurants like that.

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The service sucked because they knew there was no tip 20
coming from a group of degenerates who looked like 21
we did.

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It was just bad planning on our part. We’d figured din-23
ner would be an hour. That would be an hour, an hour 24s
and a half since we’d taken our hits. Whenever we took 25

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acid, it was like keeping a synchronized clock in our 2
heads. We had to stick to the agenda, time zero equaling 3
the moment we took the tabs. Two hours is the latent 4
period. Two hours is what we had from time zero until 5
the spaceship left from landing.

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We had figured on only an hour. Perfect timing. It 7
went to show our judgment was already clouded upon 8
entering. No way an hour in a joint like that looking like 9
we did. By the time the food was slammed down, I could 10
hardly stand the sight of it.

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I ate the fries and left three-quarters of my burger to 12
rot. Will and Kevin were worse. They couldn’t even 13
touch the fries.

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Since there was so much food still on our plates, the 15
dumb-ass waiter never bothered to come back. I swear 16
they run restaurants like a nagging mother would; you 17
can’t leave the table until you clear your plate. Fuck 18
that, we wanted to get outta there quick.

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The dim light caused a slight spinning effect on the 20
porcelain dishes. My glass of water started to make me 21
dizzy. A tiny piece of food floated on top and I imagined 22
it expanding . . growing tentacles and giving birth to 23
many others of its kind, taking over my drinking water. I 24s
shook the image off quicker than I would’ve had I not 25
been in public. I didn’t want the visuals yet. Not until I

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was out in the open air and could breathe again. I was 1
already getting the lockjaw side effect.

2

Kevin was on the verge. He’d already spit water 3
through his nose in a fit of uncontrollable laughter. That 4
had set off a chain reaction of silly behavior. Will 5
dropped his napkin from his lap, bent to pick it up, tak-6
ing his silverware and nearly his whole dinner with him.

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It was coming like a tidal wave. Had to be careful not to 8
roll out of there on the floor.

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“Alright, serious now. We gotta get a grip,” I said, con-10
taining my own spasms. For a brief second, we achieved an 11
acceptable silence. But that went as quick as it had come.

12

No choice now. Since I was the one with the most sense 13
left, I flagged down the waiter. Told him we needed to go 14
and asked in a false politeness if we could kindly get our 15
check. When he came back, Will held his money out and 16
dropped it on the floor in front of the waiter. Kevin went 17
head down, it was just too much. Making an about-face, 18
our annoyed waiter took his leave from our night. We left 19
exact change on the table and made our escape.

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We emerged from that candlelit extravagance like s24
nuclear holocaust survivors from their backyard bomb 25

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1
shelters. The pupils of our eyes were in full eclipse. I 2
could hear the screams in my head again. All my make-3
believe friends had returned.

4

The travels of pedestrians and the steady honking of 5
traffic had thrown us into momentary confusion. We 6
stood on the corner like drifters in a time slip. Though 7
we’d lived in the city all our lives, we were temporarily 8
impaired. Nothing looked right. But everything looked 9
vaguely familiar at the same time.

10

“Ohhhhhhh, shiiit,” Will said, staring up at a street 11
sign as if it were written in alien calligraphy. “I’m a 12
wreck,” he added with the smile that was slowly becom-13
ing a permanent fixture on his face.

14

“You got that right!” Kevin said this while attempting 15
to pickpocket Will’s cigarettes. Will slapped his hand 16
away, only to give him one anyway.

17

I fixed my gaze on the approaching headlights. I was 18
mesmerized by the geometry of reflection as the light 19
bounced from one chrome-painted finish to the next. I 20
felt like a four-year-old at a fireworks display. This was 21
definitely some good acid. Usually these little exhibi-22
tions of the commonplace didn’t affect me unless I was 23
at my chemical peak. I had expected a slight blurring 24s
effect, but this was the real deal.

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“It’s yellow,” I said, already able to tell.

1

“What is?”

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I turned toward Kevin, trying hard to concentrate on 3
his face as it moved in slow distortions. “Everything’s yel-4
low! See, over there.” I pointed to the tall buildings 5
uptown, windows lit by overtime employees. “The acid.

6

It’s lemon-flavored.”

7

Will nodded in that way of his again. Every batch of 8
acid has particular qualities. Some are more auditory 9
than visual. Others are better suited for snow than sun-10
shine. You might call those a kind of winter brew, like 11
they do with beer. Some create a more greenish hue on 12
the objects around; others are yellow like the hits we’d 13
just taken. Will and I considered ourselves connoisseurs, 14
like wine tasters at a convention. We always made a point 15
of identifying what kind we had as soon as we noticed.

16

He examined the buildings, the people passing by, 17
and even his own hands before approving my assess-18
ment. Of course, it’s impossible to disagree with the first 19
hypothesis presented. Once a specific color is suggested, 20
that’s all the eye begins to look for.

21

I could see from his agitated movements that Kevin 22
was growing restless. The drug has a way of doing that.

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You have to keep moving . . keep changing the setting.

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It’s like a pain you have to walk off. Keep still and it gets 2
too intense, lifts itself up along the spine until your head 3
falls into a tailspin.

4

“Come on, where we going? I can’t stand here any 5
longer!”

6

“I don’t know?” I answered, highlighting the second 7
lapse of judgment in our still-young night. We never 8
really had a plan. It’s best to have a plan. Gotta have a 9
place to be when the jets kick in. We were approaching 10
full gear with nowhere to go. I was also feeling that need.

11

The need for a safe house, for home base. I’d be damned 12
if I was gonna spend my entire trip on the streets. That’s 13
the sure way to lose your mind.

14

Will shrugged his shoulders. “We could go to Sally’s.

15

She lives right around here.”

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Sally was this girl two years behind us in school. None 20
of us really cared too much for her. She was no scholar, 21
which is a nice way of saying she was as stupid as a cat’s 22
ass. Still she was kinda cute in a girlish way . . too clumsy 23
to be sexy but a real pretty face and a tight body.

24s

She worshiped the three of us. Thought everything 25
we said was so damn cool. We could make her bust a gut

✹✹✹ 16 ✹✹✹

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laughing one minute and have her mind grow into 1
vacant confusion the next. She never knew what we were 2
going to do. In many ways, I think she was scared out of 3
her mind by us . . or at least intimidated as hell. That’s 4
why we hung with her. She thought we were regular 5
geniuses, and so did we.

6

We didn’t need to impress her. Least, I didn’t because 7

I couldn’t give a fuck what she’d get going on in her head 8
about me. Sure, she was a girl, so sex was spinning 9
around in my brain. But she was a wasted effort in a way.

10

Too young to be serious and not really who I dreamed 11
about. I had my heart set somewhere else. But I didn’t 12
fuss over it, I wasn’t in any state to try to impress so it 13
didn’t really matter which girl we went to see. Matter of 14
fact, it’s probably better that we were heading for Sally’s 15
and not someone’s I actually gave a shit about.

16

Sally lived about ten blocks from that wasteland of a 17
restaurant. Down in the river section of Society Hill, 18
where tourists still came to see where old Ben Franklin 19
had lived. Old-money district.

20

My, Kevin’s, and Will’s spirits were on the rise now 21
that we had gathered our wits and come up with what 22
was almost a plan.

23

We had been trying to trip up one another for two s24
blocks, trying to see who’d be the first to fall flat on his 25

✹✹✹ 17 ✹✹✹

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1
face. Cutting into the other’s path with a sidestep swagger, 2
hoping the other person wouldn’t catch himself in time.

3

This ain’t an easy task when your blood is burning up hal-4
lucinogens at the rate a beat-up, old 70s Plymouth guzzles 5
gasoline. It never worked, though. The only time anyone 6
fell was when he’d lost his own balance trying to get into 7
position. It was still fun. We had a laugh with it. But we 8
also burned down from it. Couldn’t even make it the ten 9
blocks without needing to sit in order to catch our wind.

10

I smoked another cigarette. It was already starting. I 11
felt the chain-smoker mentality coming with a ven-12
geance. But fuck it. I knew I wouldn’t be able to smoke 13
in Sally’s prissy house. She was a clean-cut girl, the kind 14
that would occasionally still wear a dress. I had a deep 15
and sudden wish that when we did get there, she’d open 16
the door wearing one. Probably, she wouldn’t even know 17
we were fucked up . .

18

Just for sport, Kevin had taken to asking passersby for 19
spare change. Every time he did, Will would start gig-20
gling. Soon they were creating such a spectacle that I, 21
too, took to giggling. I couldn’t help it. The people’s 22
faces all resembled misfired animation projects . .

23
rejected toons from a twisted children’s show.

24s

Kevin went right on asking. Speaking louder than he 25

✹✹✹ 18 ✹✹✹

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needed to, almost shouting at everyone who by some 1
stroke of bad luck ended up walking past us. They all 2
turned their noses up sourly . . scrunching their faces in 3
the most ridiculous expressions. Will and I exploded 4
right in their snobby faces, exaggerating the volume of 5
our laughter for their irritation.

6

“GOT SOME CHANGE? GOT SOME CHANGE?”

7

Kevin’s voice was swimming in my head. He had fallen 8
into the broken record syndrome. It happened now and 9
then. Once you started repeating something like that, 10
again and again, the acid sort of got stuck on it. Kevin had 11
no more control over it than an ant does on the tides. His 12
voice kept booming up and down the street. “GOT

13

SOME CHANGE? GOT SOME CHANGE?”

14

He really needed some, too! Like an infant with a 15
craving, he’d whine and moan until someone gave in.

16

The next person to come down the block was a young 17
mother pushing a stroller. I knew right off this was bad 18
news. Kevin was ready to snap. She had definitely heard 19
him from way down, which’d given her plenty of paces to 20
get agitated. I felt my muscles as they got tense. It was 21
gonna be the show of shows very soon.

22

As soon as they got into clear sight, I lost it. The baby’s 23
head looked HUGE. It seemed to take up my entire s24

25

✹✹✹ 19 ✹✹✹

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1
vision. For a brief moment I thought maybe it wasn’t 2
even real. It was like a helium cartoon with live-action 3
goo-goo noises. They got within a few yards before I 4
pointed at the little tyke, calling out in a stereotyped 5

Italian accent, “ITSZA BABEEE!” This had been a stan-6
dard with us, no matter what the drug. When babies 7
went by in strollers, we treated it like a cosmic event.

8

Something to do with the way their tiny faces twitched 9
under the observation of a narcotic stare. None of us 10
really knew why it was funny, but it had been once, and 11
through routine it had developed into one of our classic 12
inside jokes. It always knocked the parents out of the 13
box. (This poor woman was no exception.) They never 14
expected it, and their surprise is what I think we loved 15
most about the whole thing.

16

The young mother was just near done looking me 17
over when Kevin sprung at her, startling her out of her 18
wits. I thought I saw her arms flail like a stung bird, but it 19
could’ve been my unsound imagination. “GOT SOME

20

CHANGE?” he roared at her, and I pictured the wind of 21
his words knocking her back on her ass.

22

One good look into our eyes and the woman knew we 23
weren’t all there. She felt confident enough in her class 24s
status to brush us off, drugged or undrugged. I half heard 25

✹✹✹ 20 ✹✹✹

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her saying, “Why don’t you get a job,” or something of 1
that type. I lost interest in her. Will and I were busy mak-2
ing all kinds of silly faces to amuse the baby, who was tak-3
ing immense pleasure in our antics.

4

“Why I need a job if you just GIVE ME SOME

5

CHANGE!” Kevin was in rare form. She wheeled 6
around him and continued down the street. I saw the 7
break in Kevin’s face. The record needle had advanced 8
and he could move on. As the woman walked off, we saw 9
the little baby leaning over, looking back. And with a 10
smile, the little tyke actually waved to us. We waved back 11
and chalked it up as a victory. We’d taught that little kid 12
how to live a little.

13

We took off running, a bit afraid that maybe that woman 14
would tell the first police officer she saw that a couple of 15
doped-up kids were harassing good people. We were in no 16
condition to deal with that shit. Had to keep on moving.

17

Had to get to Sally’s and set up camp before it was too late.

18

19

20

21

We stood in front of Sally’s door. It was nine-thirty, ten 22
o’clock. A good two hours since we’d decided to go there.

23

It took a lot longer than we’d anticipated to regain com-s24

25

✹✹✹ 21 ✹✹✹

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1
posure after our little run-in with the amusement train.

2

Those five blocks were expanded in our unbalanced 3
state of mind. We’d run off in the completely wrong 4
direction, then got sidetracked by a colorful window 5
display advertising the far-off Christmas season. But 6
we’d made it. A little late, granted, but we had certainly 7
made it.

8

Sally’s house was dark, and we were daring one 9
another to knock on the heavy wooden door. None of us 10
wanted to be the one to greet the angry face of her mom 11
or pops. Will suggested we just climb through the win-12
dow and break in. He was only half joking. I volunteered 13

Kevin for the job. Will seconded the motion, but Kevin 14
definitely wasn’t flattered by the gesture.

15

“You fucking do it, it was your idea to come here in 16
the first place,” he said to Will. Will and I started laugh-17
ing again because we could tell Kevin was getting the 18
frustration inside him. It was cold outside, and he really 19
just wanted somewhere besides the cement sidewalk to 20
sit on.

21

“Or Brendon, you do it. Her mom likes you.”

22

It was true, her mom did sort of like me, ’cause I was 23
the only one of us heathens that had any manners. But I 24s
was in no condition to deal with Sally’s rich, dignified 25
mother at this juncture.

✹✹✹ 22 ✹✹✹

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“Nope,” was all I said. Then I thought about it and 1
added, “Well, alright. If you give me a cigarette, I’ll 2
do it.”

3

“Fuck you, you know I don’t have any. Come on, just 4
do it. It’s freezing out here!”

5

Will and I shouldn’t have tormented Kevin like this, 6
but it really was fun to watch him pout. We could afford 7
to bluff in this way because we knew, no matter what, 8
there was no way in hell Kevin was gonna knock on that 9
door. And he knew it, too. He treated any activity involv-10
ing adults and their formalities like a terminal disease to 11
be avoided at all costs. That’s why he would’ve pleaded 12
with us for hours to get one of us to put fist to wood and 13
gain our unsightly selves access to that relative palace.

14

That is, if Sally hadn’t heard us and looked down from 15
her third-floor bedroom window.

16

“Hey, what are you guys doing down there? Why 17
didn’t you knock like normal people instead making all 18
that noise?” We couldn’t help but laugh when she said 19
that, thus creating more noise that she didn’t want.

20

“Shhhh! I’m coming down. And Brendon, put that ciga-21
rette out, my parents will kill me if they smell smoke on 22
you guys.”

23

We saw her little head bob back into the house. I had s24
just lit that cigarette and would be damned if I was gonna 25

✹✹✹ 23 ✹✹✹

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1
put it out before I was at least halfway down to the filter.

2

We could hear her padded steps trooping down the stairs 3
toward us. Kevin was already relieved. We all looked at 4
one another like parachuters readying themselves to take 5
the plunge from the airplane. “OK, boys, behave your-6
selves,” Will added as precaution as Sally’s slender hand 7
turned the knob from the other side.

8

She pulled the door back, her pretty face wrung tight 9
in a genuine smile. I threw my cigarette down and 10
stomped it out to make Smokey proud. Her eyes were lit 11
up, ’cause her admiration for us was truly out of this 12
world.

13

She beckoned us to take off our boots in the foyer. It 14
was lit by a low-hanging chandelier crafted from fine 15
crystal. The three of us were trying hard not to lose it. I 16
had the sudden sense that we had walked into an after-17
hours museum. There was that unnerving quiet about 18

Sally’s house all the time. There was no way we would be 19
able to follow the rules. We were falling about just trying 20
to take our shoes off our feet. But I knew once we got up 21
the three flights of stairs, we could let loose. It was just 22
enough to keep me sane. I was gonna make it.

23

Then Sally’s high-pitched scream echoed in my ear.

24s

“It’s just the guys, Mom! Will and Brendon and Kevin.

25

We’re going upstairs for a little bit!”

✹✹✹ 24 ✹✹✹

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“What the hell did you scream in my ear for? I didn’t 1
even hear her ask nothing! Jesus Christ!” I said, secretly 2
noting how she referred to us as “the guys.” We were just 3
about the only male friends Sally had, her being too 4
prissy and all for anyone to really hang out with her.

5

“Sorry,” she whispered, and even in my cloudy judg-6
ment I could tell she was sincere. We had been knocking 7
around like The Three Stooges but had finally suc-8
ceeded in getting our boots off without breaking any-9
thing. “Come on, you guys, let’s go upstairs.”

10

She wasn’t wearing a dress, but she did have a skirt on.

11

Will and I shoved each other for position in order to be 12
the one who got to look up it as we scaled the flights of 13
seemingly endless steps. He won and turned around to 14
give me a smirk to let me know it.

15

The three of us were already laughing like grade-16
school boys by the time we’d reached the second floor.

17

On the way to the third, Kevin missed a step and fell, 18
barely catching himself with his hands. Too late, we’d 19
lost it. But it was like the elements were conspiring 20
against us. We’d really tried hard. Kevin stood too 21
quickly for his sight to handle, and we all raced at 22
top speed through Sally’s bedroom door, slamming it 23
behind us.

s24

Sally gave us that smug little look of approval. I could 25

✹✹✹ 25 ✹✹✹

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1
tell our presence had livened up her dull evening. I was 2
also aware that it was getting harder and harder to focus 3
on anything. The ceiling and the floor had taken to spin-4
ning in opposite directions. And her room was filled with 5
girlish decorations of every sort. It was an affront to my 6
magnified senses . . splatterings of pink and white every-7
where like doll vomit. Even under normal circumstance, 8
her room never settled right in the pit of my stomach.

9

“What are you, blind?” Will announced, and I could 10
tell he was just as put off by the brightness of the room as 11

I was.

12

“What?” Sally asked, having no idea whatsoever what 13

Will was referring to.

14

“You got practically every light in the world on in 15
here.”

16

Sally said something like “oh,” and went around turn-17
ing each one off until there was only the one lamp on, 18
atop the nightstand beside her bed. Her room was huge.

19

It was the whole floor of a converted attic. Besides the 20
canopy bed, dresser, and other usual furnishings, Sally 21
had a sectional sofa equipped with an accompanying 22
coffee table. That’s where Will and I took refuge while 23

Kevin made a beeline for the bed. Leaping with two-24s
footed agility, he plopped facedown, burying his swirling 25
head in the satin pillow sheets.

✹✹✹ 26 ✹✹✹

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Sally waltzed over to me and Will in a prancing sort 1
of way. Christ, she was such a sophomore. She was defi-2
nitely enjoying the attention as much as we were enjoy-3
ing the comfort of four walls, a ceiling, and a floor. “You 4
wanna listen to music?” she asked. We nodded unenthu-5
siastically, since we knew she only had crap.

6

She put on some pop album she’d recently purchased 7
and took a seat between me and Will. It was the first 8
music we’d heard since we’d starting tripping. It sounded 9
strange and faraway, like it was coming from downstairs.

10

But still the notes got into my head. It was infectious.

11

The quirky beats and the singer’s bubblegum voice 12
exploded. In a fantasy, I saw hundreds of little gnomes 13
dancing around to the beat. They were locking arms, 14
doing the swing-your-partner routine. I could see the 15
whole magic land they inhabited. And I knew I’d proba-16
bly go out and buy that horrible album the next day.

17

We bullshitted for a while on her couch, keeping as 18
coherent as we were capable of doing. We made fun of 19
every nobody we knew in school, teachers included.

20

Sally was hurting from laughing so hard. She didn’t try to 21
make her own jokes — too insecure around us. Her 22
cropped, curly hair was shaking with the motions of her 23
chest. She really was a pretty girl.

s24

Kevin hadn’t moved from his frozen place on the bed.

25

✹✹✹ 27 ✹✹✹

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1

Head buried farther and farther in the pillows, he was fly-2
ing through some dream vision . . exploring the many 3
tunnels that the acid had opened for him. Best to let him 4
lie, even though I was missing his company.

5

Will leaned over and kissed Sally square on the 6
mouth. God, the courage he had. Certainly we had 7
fooled around with her before, but man, to just lean over 8
and kiss her without any leading up to it. It just killed me 9
the way he did things sometimes. I could see the Romeo 10
streak taking light in his wildfire eyes.

11

Sally responded in the positive. She leaned over 12
to return his kiss, but he stopped her, saying, “Kiss 13

Brendon, don’t kiss me.” She looked at him uneasily.

14

Then she smiled. She looked to me. I tried not to look 15
too closely. Whenever you trip, people’s faces don’t look 16
quite real. It’s like they got rubber masks of their own 17
faces on. Still, I wasn’t about to stop her from kissing me.

18

She did. Closed like the one Will had given her. I 19
jammed my tongue in her mouth as she pressed her lips 20
to mine. I kept my eyes shut tight so I wouldn’t have to 21
see her expression, which was probably welcoming even 22
if it was startled. It was the first time I’d really closed my 23
eyes tight since I’d taken my hit. I had almost forgotten 24s
that when you close your eyes, you’re immediately trans-25
ported to some foreign dimension, and any hold on the

✹✹✹ 28 ✹✹✹

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reality beyond the closed eyelids is momentarily lost. I 1
quickly opened them again, afraid of what I’d seen when 2
they were shut, glad to see Sally’s close-range face even if 3
the acid did magnify every pore on it.

4

“Let’s play Jesus,” Will offered. Sally smiled, though 5

I knew she had no fucking idea what the hell he was talk-6
ing about. I knew because I myself had no idea what he 7
was going to say next. He had his way of pulling the cra-8
ziest shit from out of God knows where and flinging it in 9
your face like you should know from the get-go what he 10
was talking about.

11

“You know! Let’s play Jesus. You’re the Virgin Mary, 12
and Brendon and me, and maybe Kevin if he ever gets 13
up . . we’re the Three Wise Men. You take off your 14
clothes, and we look to see if there’s a baby coming.”

15

I started laughing right off. Sally joined me, but I 16
could tell there was nervousness in it. She wasn’t sure if 17
he was kidding or not. I knew he was kidding, but if she 18
would agree, he’d be more than serious. She liked Will 19
and me and all, but Kevin kinda frightened her. And 20
being as though we’d just heard the first peep out of him 21
in some time when he heard Will’s comment, it didn’t 22
help to ease her any.

23

She never did take off her clothes, not that I ever s24
expected her to. In this quivering tone she told us that 25

✹✹✹ 29 ✹✹✹

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1
there was no way, and I thought maybe the whole fool-2
ing-around thing would be called off, but both Will and 3

I did manage to steal a little more attention from her 4
before she had to show us out at her mom’s request. Sally 5
had to straighten herself up when Mom came banging 6
on the door. Her hair was disheveled and she had a guilty 7
look on her face. Will and I sat there, our faces stuck in 8
that lockjaw smile. Kevin was still half passed-out on the 9
bed. Sally’s mom stepped into the room, and true to 10
form, I was the only one who said hello. She gave us that 11
smile, the one that says, “Nice to see you. Have you mis-12
fits been fondling my daughter again?” She told Sally it 13
was getting late and her friends had to go now. It cracked 14
me up how wholesome they were. The way she couldn’t 15
come in like my mom and say, “What the hell are your 16
friends still doing here? Tell them to get out before I 17
throw them out.”

18

We took our cue. After Sally’s mom retreated back 19
into the walls from which she came, Will and I went 20
over and shook Kevin out of his paranoid coma. He had 21
spent the whole time he was peaking facedown, drooling 22
on Sally’s bed. I shook my head, not knowing how he 23
could handle that kind of nightmare.

24s

25

✹✹✹ 30 ✹✹✹

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1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10

11

IT WAS JUST AROUND MIDNIGHT when Sally locked the 12
door behind us. Luckily I had phoned my mom earlier 13
and told her I would be staying at Kevin’s. My brain was 14
fried. The cycle was spinning down to the tail end. We’d 15
given Sally plenty of stories to go bragging to her fifteen-16
year-old girlfriends about . . the old “guess who? guess 17
what?” and all that. I was sure I’d hear about some of the 18
things I’d forgotten. Gossip could be good that way.

19

Sometimes it helps you learn your own secrets.

20

We lit about five cigarettes each. Smoked ’em one 21
after the other. I was getting the shakes pretty bad. That 22
was from my system running down, working the poison 23
out of my body in slow motion. I knew there’d still be the 24s
occasional kick start, though. The acid would inch back 25

✹✹✹ 31 ✹✹✹

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1
up even after it had faded from peak. We were all still 2
pretty fucked up and it was still steady. But as the night 3
made its way into early morning, it had taken on an 4
edge.

5

We cut over and crossed by the Liberty Bell. We 6
pressed our faces to the bulletproof glass protecting it.

7

Part of me wanted to kick that glass in and ring on that 8
bell until it shattered, until the people sleeping in their 9
beds out in Jersey could hear it. But that was an impossi-10
ble dream because the bell’s off-limits. It’s like they were 11
already planning for the time when it would be dug up 12
like the Colosseum. Our breath fogged up the glass until 13
ole Liberty frosted out of view and disappeared. It wasn’t 14
worth the effort to wipe the glass, so I turned away.

15

Alone, I went over to the center of the park and stared 16
across the street at Independence Hall. If I squinted my 17
eyes, it looked a little like a model. The air was cold and 18
gave every object a strange icy halo. I raised my feather-19
less arms to my sides. I wanted to change the constitution 20
of nature and take to the sky on ashen wings. I’d fly to the 21
tower and back two hundred or so years. I’d watch the 22
cannons being wheeled along the cobbled streets by 23
men in red wool coats. Bricks would fly as ammunition 24s
struck them, and I would remain abstracted above it all.

25

✹✹✹ 32 ✹✹✹

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And when the war had ended and there was nothing 1
more for me to see, I’d fly even farther away . . bull’s-eye 2
through the counterclockwise cloud spins on my way to 3
the distant stars.

4

Under the alterations of LSD, this dream felt near, or 5
at least for a few brief and happy seconds it did. It was 6
never-lasting.

7

Will and Kevin came sauntering quickly across the 8
park, capturing my attention away. They were moving 9
real quiet but they were also moving real quick. “There 10
you are . . we thought we lost you,” Will said, laughing.

11

“We didn’t know where you went. Man, I thought you 12
just went to take a piss.”

13

I could tell they’d probably looked behind every bush 14
for me. Their faces were hiding a secret. I could see mis-15
chief written across their expressions. They looked like 16
little kids who’d just found a porno mag in the woods.

17

“What’ve you got?” I asked.

18

Will was rubbing his hands. He spoke in a singsong 19
tone when saying, “Nothing . . but Kevin’s gotta joint.”

20

I think we literally jumped and danced, hollering at 21
the top of our lungs. We had deteriorated into a roving 22
madcap gang when Kevin produced the perfectly rolled 23
paper from behind his back. It was as if our strung-out s24

25

✹✹✹ 33 ✹✹✹

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1
senses couldn’t handle this kind of temporal overload.

2

My trip had been getting too reflective for my own tastes.

3

A little weed was just the boost I needed.

4

It only felt right that this journey toward freedom of 5
consciousness should start where it did. Right on the site 6
of the Revolution. Man, sometimes I get a real kick out 7
of history. It’s like all these loose blocks just sitting 8
around for you to pick ’em up and make what you want 9
from them. When Kevin sparked the flame of my lighter, 10

I watched the way the joint burned, and I felt that some-11
how we were all connected to it through the smoke it 12
gave off.

13

14

15

16

We passed the joint in step as we headed off into Old 17

City, the fifteen or so crammed blocks down by the 18
waterfront. On a whim, Will had taken to goose-19
stepping. The soles of his heavy boots clanked down 20
hard against the stones. The sound echoed wildly 21
through the empty tunnel of streets. From streetlight to 22
streetlight, our shadows went through alterations of 23
growth and decline. Will’s lengthening shadow would 24s
make the most obscene sight as he marched in that 25

✹✹✹ 34 ✹✹✹

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spindle-legged way. Through the clouds of smoke that we 1
released, the whole scene took on an eerie horror quality.

2

Kevin kept making these weak-throated roars, attempt-3
ing to soundtrack the event. Anyone listening from their 4
apartments would have thought a couple of criminal 5
lunatics had been set free. I started imagining the differ-6
ent kinds of creatures that would be lurking around the 7
next corner. I took to whispering their descriptions to 8

Will and Kevin . . “a sawed-off troll with plaster shoes . .

9
a mutilated ape gnawing on aborted limbs,” and such, so 10
forth, and so on. We were really working the rhythm of it.

11

So much so that I was getting far too bugged out. I was 12
buying hard into my own fictions.

13

I had to call off the whole show and find a seat lean-14
ing against a closed shop window. Best to stop the pro-15
duction before it got too real and too late to shake. I 16
needed to chill for a minute. The marijuana had gone to 17
the head like a rocket on account of my toxin-washed 18
veins. I had developed a minor case of drying sickness.

19

My hands involuntarily caught up in muscular contrac-20
tions. The influx of various narcotics within my body 21
produced a glorious numbing effect on all the nerve cen-22
ters. And everything around me had a glazed appearance.

23

Will took his place at my side, fitting himself onto the s24

25

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1
cold cement. I looked over at him but had to turn away.

2

His face was turning around in circular shades of green-3
ish gradations. I felt my spirit drifting off on some 4
nomadic quest, and every time I grasped to reel it back 5
in, it only roamed further.

6

I wasn’t even conscious of speaking aloud, but I was 7
saying, “Whoa horsies, Whoooaa Hoorsies!” over and 8
over. Will was in a fit beside me. This was our little 9
phrase . . our personal mantra for when a high had got-10
ten a little too crazy.

11

Kevin looked down at the two of us sitting on the 12
ground. He looked us dead in the eye. How he was able 13
to keep a straight face was beyond me, knowing what he 14
was going to say next. But he had his way. He took one 15
last toke on the joint before it burned his fingers and 16
then looked at us flat, his stance taken from an old 50s 17
movie. I was trapped in a chorus of “whooaa horsies”

18
when he hit us with “little Lex Luthor on a pony.” Man, 19
he could be so suave sometimes. I mean, to just shoot 20
shit from the hip like that and say it like he meant busi-21
ness, like it was the most important piece of information 22
that we were missing.

23

Will was in contortions by then. Carried away with 24s
excitement, he called out at the top of his lungs, “Caught 25
your mom, who bought it from the grocery!”

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This set off a chain reaction of nonsense quotations.

1

We took to chanting the whole bit to some imagined 2
meter: “Whoa Horsies, Whooa Hoorsies! Little Lex 3

Luthor on a pony, caught your mom who bought it from 4
the grocery.” We went through nearly twenty verses.

5

Singing at full volume, sounding like drunken sailors on 6
leave.

7

That was about the last true storm of acid that night.

8

When we’d exhausted the pleasure from the song, we’d 9
used up the reserves. Oh, the residuals were still there 10
alright. We didn’t have any clearheadedness. We could 11
still feel the tingling in the spine and the tiny distortion 12
in vision. But the moment had passed, and we were run-13
ning full speed down the spiral. It was a relief in many 14
ways. It was always like that, good to be back on the 15
ambulance to feeling well.

16

17

18

19

Kevin’s house was just south of the bridge. We wan-20
dered for some time around Old City before going back 21
there. We wanted to make sure we completely walked it 22
off just in case Kevin’s mom or dad was waiting up for us.

23

It wasn’t likely, but it’s always better to be a little later for s24
safety’s sake.

25

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1

It was just after three in the morning when we arrived.

2

Rise-and-shine was only four hours away due to it being 3
a school night and all. We were tired, but in no way was 4
sleep in the forecast. It’s near impossible to sleep after 5
you’ve tripped. Soon as you close your eyes the drug 6
builds momentum all over again.

7

We went through the motions of going to bed. You 8
could hear the late-night cars traveling back and forth.

9

Their high-pitched hum made it difficult to concentrate 10
on sleep. I washed the sweat from my face and urinated 11
for five straight minutes. I was flushing the evil out. It 12
finds exit through the pores and the bladder. It was a 13
good feeling knowing even though I might not be able to 14
sleep, at least I’d feel clean.

15

Will and I took blankets from the hall closet and 16
threw them into a makeshift bed on the floor. While 17

Kevin was in the bathroom doing his nighttime routine, 18
we stole the pillows, off his bed, figuring he already had 19
the bed, so why should he get all the nice soft pillows, 20
too? Surprisingly, he didn’t put up much of a fight when 21
he got back. I guess he saw the logic of the situation.

22

The three of us lay there in the dark and talked about 23
the different ways we’d commit suicide if the urge ever 24s
struck us. It’s not like we were infatuated with death or 25
that we were depressed in any unusual way. It was just

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that the prospect of living a long life seemed like such a 1
chore. Just so damned bored with everything! When I 2
was younger, I remembered seeing a band logo that read, 3

“Live Like a Suicide!” And I guess that’s sort of how we 4
felt . . young and reckless because nothing ever mattered 5
in the grand scheme of things anyway.

6

Will had just finished telling us how he would go with 7
a gun to his head. Boom! Erased in an instant blast of 8
glory. His thinking was that if you were determined to go 9
all the way, might as well go and do it right. Send the 10
brain out the side on the express train. Snuff it all in a lit-11
tle spark of powder and a twitch of the finger.

12

I could never have done it that way. The image of 13
human tissue infected with metal was too much for me 14
to stomach. No, I would plug the exhaust pipe of an 15
automobile and keep it running in a closed garage let-16
ting the carbon monoxide wash over me and lull me to 17
sleep. I explained to them my belief that, in death, the 18
soul lived forever in the last living thought. My way, you 19
could die painless as you slept. You could even have 20
music on to set the mood. My way would mean dying 21
happy. With a bullet, the last thought is inevitably fear 22
and pain. I told Will I knew I didn’t want my soul living 23
forever caught up in that baggage. He nodded in his way, s24
but it wasn’t in agreement. It was out of sympathy and 25

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1
acceptance of ideas. That was enough for me and I let 2
it lie.

3

Kevin didn’t participate. He’d wrapped the covers 4
over his head. I doubt he was actually asleep, but there 5
was no need to press. The sun was somewhere just below 6
the horizon. I closed my eyes and struggled with the 7
internal visions. Patterns emerged in every direction and 8

I shook them off in turn. I could hear the continuous 9
motor hum of cars driving from state to state across the 10
bridge. And for the first time I realized that it was now 11

Friday.

12

I tossed and turned, trying to relieve my cramped legs 13
and stiff back. I ignored the cold sweats and sleepless 14
anxiety that crept up. I rocked back and forth like a baby 15
or a trauma victim, saying over and over in my head that 16
famous line, “Hurry up, please, it’s time. Hurry up, 17
please, it’s time.” The bar was closing down. Last call.

18

No more waiting for a table. No more stalled engines.

19

My mind was free to go where it would . . released from 20
all chemical authority. It was the old ’bye for now, catch 21
you again some other day. I had nothing left to give. I 22
gave up all resistance, but somewhere deep down there 23
was a stirring calm that assured me that all was going to 24s
be okay.

25

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1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10

11

BY THE TIME THIRD PERIOD HAD STARTED, I was like the 12
walking dead. My eyelids drooped like rocks were tied to 13

’em. Heavy outlines circled ’em, and I looked like shit.

14

Kevin hadn’t had any clean clothes for us to wear 15
because he never bothered doing laundry, and there was 16
no way I was going to put on any of his grimy clothes.

17

Will and I just switched our own shirts, but even that 18
wasn’t much better. We’d sweated through those in the 19
previous night’s reflux, so instead of my smell I had his.

20

And smell I did, but I consoled myself with the fact that 21
certain chicks dug that shit. Or at least that’s how I tried 22
to console myself.

23

When I woke up in the morning it was the first I was 24s

25

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1
aware that I’d ever fallen asleep to begin with. It goes like 2
that sometimes, you never know you’ve slept until you’re 3
damn sure you woke up. I felt like I’d been run over by a 4
truck. My whole body ached and my stomach was 5
screaming for food. But when I saw myself in the bath-6
room mirror, my whole appetite went the way of the 7
water in the drain. My first clear thought was, Well, I sur-8
vived another one.

9

As I sat in class, I wasn’t able to keep focus. I was 10
barely hearing the teacher ramble on about this and that, 11
something or other to do with diseases spreading through 12

Southeast Asia. On any other day it might have been fas-13
cinating, but on no sleep it was just noise. Noise and the 14
stupid need for attendance. I had thought hard on cut-15
ting, but my mom always checked up on the days I’d 16
spent out, just to make sure I was keeping my promises.

17

Kevin had fought with his mother that morning about 18
what time we got in. He said around one, which was a 19
lie, and she called it a lie, too. She’d still been up then.

20

Truth was, Kevin just wasn’t sure what time it was when 21
we’d gotten there. But he sure as shit knew it weren’t no 22
one o’clock. And like I said, so did his mom, and she 23
called a spade a spade. But it wasn’t like she got real mad.

24s

She gave one of those parental looks of disapproval and 25
left it at that. I was just always amazed that we could stay

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out that late anyway. My house, it was eleven on a school 1
night. That’s why my mom checked up. She knew that I 2
stayed out in order to stay out. And that’s also why I hadn’t 3
cut because I wanted the policy to continue that way.

4

The first two periods had been real tough. First period 5

I had gym class, which was a cruelty in its own right. No 6
sooner had I put the last of my effort into getting dressed 7
and getting to school on time than I had to go through 8
the reverse all over again. Not that I ever participated in 9
gym activities anyway, but still I had to go through the 10
motions of putting on even dirtier clothes.

11

We had played some twisted form of dodgeball that 12
the instructor thought up. The jocks had been real into 13
it. They were chucking foam balls from one end of the 14
auditorium to the other at full velocity. I got hit hard in 15
the head within the first ten minutes. I sat on the side the 16
rest of the period. I think I even nodded off for a stretch 17
because when it was time to go back into the locker 18
room, the teacher came over and informed me that I’d 19
lose credit for the day. Oh yeah that hurt me! Fuck him, 20
anyway. Everyone knew no college gave a rat’s ass what 21
your phys ed transcript looked like.

22

Second period had been somewhat of a mixed bag. It 23
was my world history class, which I usually enjoyed, but s24
it started on the wrong foot from the moment the bell 25

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1
announced its beginning. We’d been assigned a one-2
page essay to be handed in that day. Naturally I hadn’t 3
got around to writing it the night before, being busy with 4
other, more ethereal things. The teacher hadn’t taken 5
too kindly to my secondhand excuse. I was a good stu-6
dent, really. She didn’t appreciate it when good students 7
blew off assignments. I was too tired to honestly feel bad 8
about it, though.

9

Since the teacher had soured on me, I took myself out 10
of the class discussions for the day. I didn’t really have 11
much to say, regardless. But like I said, it was a mixed 12
bag, because second period was the first class of the day 13
that I had with Melissa.

14

Melissa was that adorable type of girl. Intelligent and 15
quick. She stood out from the rest. A tiger in a desert. A 16
bird hovering above the sewage. The kind of girl who is 17
so attractive by the simple fact that she has no idea she is 18
attractive. She had the kind of strawberry-color hair a guy 19
could go nuts staring at all the time. That’s what I did. I 20
went nuts staring at her all the time.

21

She was the one haunting my thoughts in those 22
moments before sleep. Filmstrip dreams of us in the sun-23
set of some foreign scene. Faded photographs of a future 24s
with me and the life we lead. She was the one of fantasy, 25

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of make-believe, and I felt so damn stupid for all the dull 1
things I said to her when I spoke.

2

Even though at times I thought the extent of my 3
crush was incredibly obvious, I didn’t think she really 4
had any idea. I sat a few seats behind her and spent the 5
whole class mesmerized by the way her hair clung lightly 6
to the back of her neck. God, how I wanted to just stand 7
up, walk over, and place the palm of my hand there and 8
whisper to her that I loved her. But for better or for 9
worse, that just ain’t the way it’s done, and whatever the 10
right way was, I was completely in the dark.

11

My friend Ryan had dated her the year before. Ryan 12
was about the nicest guy in the world when it came to 13
friends. But when you were dealing in boyfriends, he 14
could be subpar. Not to say he was abusive or that he 15
cheated or anything like that. It’s just he could be oblivi-16
ous to things that were hurting.

17

It had been that way with Melissa and him. I think he 18
really cared for her, but they just weren’t a match. I had 19
been friends with both of them during the ordeal and 20
even before, so it was hard seeing one friend upsetting 21
the other so much.

22

Usually when that type of mess happens, I try to stay 23
on neutral ground. But when the shit was going to hell s24

25

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1
between Ryan and her, it had been different. They 2
always bickered and he picked on her and all the rest. It 3
was impossible for me not to take sides.

4

Melissa would always come over to my house, her 5
eyes pink and swollen with tears. I’d listen. Sometimes 6
we’d talk straight through until morning about all sorts of 7
things. We had so much in common . . so many of the 8
important things that mattered.

9

She would lie on my bed, sobbing beautifully.

10

Fighting through tears once, she told me how she and 11

Ryan fought because she wasn’t ready for sex yet. “Not 12
that I’m a goddamn saint and won’t ever! I just want it to 13
be special . . to be in love, that’s all,” she confided.

14

That was the first time I opened up to her. I told her 15
that I was also a virgin-in-waiting . . saving it for someone 16
perfect. Kevin and Will were the only ones I’d ever 17
admitted it to before. A guy has to keep that kind of truth 18
a secret . . too much pressure . . macho-ness and all that 19
hateful stuff. It was taboo to tell a girl something like 20
that, especially one who knew the people you did. Lies 21
get exposed that way. But Melissa was upset. Ryan had 22
made her think she was some type of mutant. I couldn’t 23
bear to have her believing that.

24s

When I told her “me, too,” she acted surprised. It 25
wasn’t the knowledge that caught her off guard, it was

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the fact that I told her. She was moved that I felt I could 1
trust her. There was an instant connection. We’d each 2
found someone else who held tight to leftover romanti-3
cism. It opened doors for us to share all our fears and our 4
dreams. She would speak about wanting children and 5
how she was afraid of growing old and poor. And I’d lis-6
ten . . her voice like water as I kissed it into me.

7

During those months, I saw beneath the makeup and 8
the pretenses and got to know her for who she really was.

9

She wasn’t selfish about it. She also asked me about me 10
and not about what Ryan or anyone else might have said 11
about her. I’d tell her how I didn’t want to live past forty 12
and she’d laugh, not because it was funny but because 13
she thought the same.

14

There was nothing fake about her. She didn’t fly from 15
scene to scene trying to stay up on the world of what is 16
hip and fashionable. She wasn’t like those party girls 17
with mad style and nothing much happening up in the 18
head. Melissa had the world figured out — she just 19
chose not to participate in its chaos.

20

We were really close then, but it didn’t last.

21

She had waited for me to say something for a long 22
time, to tell her I didn’t want her to ever go away. But I 23
waited too long, I suppose, because by the time I felt s24
ready, she was already telling me about some great new 25

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1
somebody else she had met. I could’ve told her then, and 2
maybe she would’ve chosen me. But I didn’t. I kept my 3
love shut up. I faked enthusiasm as I watched her end up 4
with someone else. I was left with just another acquain-5
tance when I’d thought I’d found someone special.

6

I wasn’t ready to give it all up. The fancy phrases. The 7
uppers. The downers. The cages. Pretensions and per-8
suasions. I loved the world of fantasies and miracles and 9
flashy lights in dark spaces. With Melissa, I was only 10
myself. I couldn’t play the parts. Couldn’t believe my 11
own lies. With her, everything was so real . . so sober. It 12
fucking well scared the piss out of me.

13

Thinking about it all and staring at the curve of her 14
posture, I wanted to go up to her after class and ask her 15
out for the night or for the next night or the next week for 16
that matter. I just wanted to spend whatever time I could 17
alone with her . . alone to look closely at her speckled 18
green eyes. To tell her what an ass I had been and that I 19
wanted to be rooted to her world if she’d welcome me.

20

She had since broken it off with that other guy, and I 21
didn’t want to miss another opportunity.

22

For whatever reason I didn’t ask her, though. “Too 23
tired,” I told myself, but in truth I was too scared of rejec-24s
tion. My inaction at the end of class was part of the rea-25
son why third period was worse than it should’ve been.

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Halfway through our lecture on the death of Asia, I 1
had looked around and noticed three or four other stu-2
dents with their heads down or just plain flopping back 3
with their mouths open. It was reassuring to know that 4
the teacher was boring the others to the same extent he 5
was boring me. He was on his last year before retiring 6
and had given up a long time ago. He read straight from 7
the lesson plans he’d written twenty, thirty years ago. No 8
reason to fight it any longer. I just followed the lead that 9
had been set and let my head ease its way onto my desk.

10

I looked out the fourth-floor window at the gray cover of 11
midmorning, watching the pigeons squawk about on the 12
ledge and letting myself drift away.

13

14

15

16

I saw Will and Kevin standing at the end of the hall 17
between fifth and lunch. It was the first time I’d seen 18
either of them since the walk over to school in the morn-19
ing. That walk had been awfully quiet. The three of us 20
had been talked out from the night before. With the 21
prospect of school hanging over us, we had nothing to 22
say. Even when we stopped at the convenience store for 23
coffee, we didn’t speak. It was an understood silence.

s24

But when I saw them there at the end of the hall 25

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1
standing with Ryan and Taylor, I felt the need to talk to 2
them. We’d spent over twelve hours the day before as a 3
collective unit. When you go through all the phases of a 4
trip with someone, you all kinda become one person . .

5
you can’t function without the other components. All 6
day I’d had separation anxiety, like a twin who was miss-7
ing his other halves.

8

I sauntered over like I knew I was the shit. The look 9
on my face let others know that these were my boys loi-10
tering. Best to get out of my way because that’s where I 11
was heading.

12

My presence made the group complete. Will, me, 13

Kevin, Taylor, and Ryan. That was our crowd. That’s 14
how everyone else saw us. And I guess that’s sort of how 15
we saw ourselves . . in terms of the whole and less as indi-16
viduals.

17

“Oh shit, Brendon, where’d you come from? What’s 18
going on, Brendon?” Ryan said, being the first to see me 19
move in, making the square they stood in more of a cir-20
cle. I always liked that habit of his, the way he repeated 21
your name with every new thing he had to say.

22

“Nothing!” I replied, more to everyone than to any-23
one special. Will and Kevin had just been relaying the 24s
sequence of events that summed up our night. Only they 25
hadn’t listed anything sequentially because acid doesn’t

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allow the brain to remember the experience in a linear 1
frame. Will had a number of clarifications for me to 2
make, and they were all glad I had walked by. I filled in 3
as many of the blanks as I could, bringing the story 4
together for Ryan and Taylor.

5

The more we went on talking about it, the more we 6
were laughing. Me and Kevin acting out our own parts 7
while Will narrated. Ryan was saying how he wished 8
he’d been there. And Taylor wondering why they hadn’t 9
been. I saw it in the slight frown that formed on his face.

10

It was the look he always had when he thought he’d been 11
left out. Truth was, we hadn’t meant to exclude them.

12

We hadn’t thought about it. They simply weren’t around 13
in the split second we’d made our decision. Nothing 14
intentional. Ryan could have given two shits. He thought 15
it would have been fun, but it wasn’t like he held any-16
thing against us. I could tell that Taylor kinda did.

17

Taylor looked over at Ryan. “Where were we yester-18
day?”

19

“I dunno, we went over to Mary’s house and screwed 20
around.” By his tone, I knew Ryan saw what Taylor was 21
getting at and was trying to cut him off. Taylor probably 22
saw it, too, because he let it lie. And when it really comes 23
down to it, it was Taylor’s own fault. He’d wanted to go s24
over to Mary’s instead of hanging with us. She was his 25

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1
girlfriend and Will, Kevin, and I hated her guts. No way 2
were we going, so we ended up just the three of us, and 3
the rest is history.

4

“Ahh, we still should’ve gone,” Taylor mumbled.

5

“It was a fucking riot, of course you should’ve gone.”

6

Good ol’ Kevin, he always missed what was going on 7
under the surface. His romance with narcotics always 8
came shining through. But something about his attitude 9
was infectious, and just as he’d gotten me over the hump 10
the night before, he’d succeeded in breaking the tension.

11

For the moment, Taylor was over the “where and why 12
wasn’t I there” and was back on the allure of pure sun-13
shine. Our conversation lapsed back into a five-star acid 14
review.

15

I was distracted though . . staring down the hall at all 16
the strange faces and the ones that weren’t so strange. My 17
eye caught Plain Jane before anyone else had seen her.

18

She rounded the corner heading right toward us . . Plain 19

Jane with the face so lame. I didn’t even know what the 20
hell her real name was. Will and I always called her 21

Jane. Even to her face, not that she ever knew why.

22

She spotted us, but it was already too late. I’d nudged 23

Will right off. Jane was one of Sally’s little friends. Now 24s

Sally’s friends ain’t as bold as her and not even close to 25

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being half as cute, so we didn’t ever pay them any mind.

1

Which meant they didn’t really know us none. When we 2
did bother to acknowledge their boring lives, it was 3
purely to torment. Poor Jane never stood a chance.

4

She was walking by . . definitely Sally had told her a 5
thing or two. That accounted for the look on young 6

Jane’s homely face once she noticed she’d walked smack 7
into us. I saw her tense up. She always got frightened 8
of us despite our pal Sally’s pleas that we were harm-9
less. But this time, Jane appeared more jittered than was 10
usual.

11

Will must have noticed this, too, for when Jane got 12
close he took the open opportunity. He jumped out from 13
behind Ryan, who was tall and had hidden him rather 14
well. He startled that girl straight crazy. I swear her skin 15
near fell off her pointed bones.

16

He held her around the waist as we laughed. We all 17
chanted “JANE! JANE! JANE!” Yelling right in her face.

18

“Get off me, you pervert,” she whined, but those types 19
of comments don’t work past the sixth grade. We kept up 20
the ritual incantation. “Shut up, that’s not even my 21
name!” she rebutted.

22

“It’s your name now,” I flat-out commanded.

23

It honestly was a mean game, the kind a bully would s24

25

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1
play on the playground. But we were just trying to get 2
some kicks and taunting people was about the only way 3
to get them. Still, I guess it wasn’t all that mean. Shit, 4

Jane got to tell all her impressionable friends that she 5
knew us.

6

People began hurrying past in a rush. Will released 7
his prisoner. Saved by the bell had never been so true.

8

She sort of sissy-hit him as she shook away. We laughed 9
more and waved. I stood there thinking what kind of ass 10
had decided that it would be a good idea for seventeen-11
year-olds to share time with fourteeners. Poor Jane. I took 12
comfort in the belief that in three or four years she’d 13
remember us and finally get it. She had spirit, so I was 14
confident she would.

15

Ryan and Will and Taylor took off, leaving me and 16

Kevin going the opposite way. But Kevin’s class was a few 17
doors down, so really I was alone again. I was headed to 18
lunch, so I didn’t have to worry about being late and all.

19

I dragged my worn-out feet. God how I wanted to just 20
curl up on a mat somewhere and take a nap. I debated 21
walking right through the front doors and then right on 22
home . . climbing into my unmade bed and then — just 23
nothing. Hours of closed thoughts and nothing around.

24s

But the day was halfway over. I’d made it so far so good 25
and lunch wasn’t any big trick. I picked up my feet like a

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tired soldier and marched on over to the sickening smell 1
of the lunchroom.

2

3

4

5

It hadn’t taken much deliberation. Right before Jane 6
livened things up a bit, we’d all agreed to take hits again 7
that night. All of us this time. There was this party at a 8
club over by the bus station. It was eighteen and older, 9
but Ryan knew the bouncer and said he could get us in.

10

I was trying to figure out how the hell I was going to 11
get any sleep between school and then. There was no 12
way it was going to happen. Didn’t matter, though, the 13
acid would wake me up when the time came.

14

None of my real friends were in the cafeteria. Usually 15

I sat with this group of stoners I didn’t especially care for.

16

Not feeling quite up to their company, I searched around 17
for someone, anyone else. I was almost happy when I 18
spied Sally on the far side of the room.

19

I was feeling pretty bad about the way we sometimes 20
treated her. I decided to go sit at her table just to let her 21
know Will and I weren’t using her. I really did think she 22
was alright, even if she was immature at times.

23

Her face lit up like a firefly when she saw me pull the s24
chair out next to hers. She smiled real big, capturing the 25

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1
admiration of her friends. I could see it on their faces 2
that my just being there was some sort of minor thrill. I 3
enjoyed watching Sally wallow in the fame of it. She was 4
the star of the day.

5

The others stared at me like I was some kind of 6
celebrity. They were partially terrified, though. Each 7
had that stung-by-the-headlights glare in their eyes, ner-8
vous as hell. I knew they spent countless hours trying to 9
convince Sally that me and my friends were bad news.

10

I took up most of the lunch period thinking up things 11
and making Sally laugh her ass off. All her bullshit 12
friends didn’t get it. Inside, I knew Sally wouldn’t end up 13
with those losers for long. She’d follow in our footsteps 14
pretty soon. She’d carry on our legacy in this uptight 15
school, because we were teaching her too much for her 16
to just waste it.

17

I was being real careful not to lead Sally on. Last thing 18

I wanted was for her to get some misinterpreted girlish 19
dementia about a crush I would never have. I asked 20
about her plans for the upcoming weekend. “Got any 21
hot dates?” I asked.

22

I was surprised to hear Will was going to hang with 23
her on Sunday. He’d never mentioned it, even though 24s

Sally claimed they’d had plans for days. That explained 25

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why he wanted to go over there the night before.

1

Probably he didn’t want to tell me, afraid it would’ve 2
made me jealous. It didn’t, so it was no big thing. I did, 3
however, make a mental note to discuss this Sally situa-4
tion with him later and make sure he didn’t end up 5
breaking her heart.

6

Out of the blue one of those mousy girls piped up. I 7
could tell this girl had taken the whole lunch period to 8
gather her courage to address me. “Why don’t you call 9

Marie by her name?” Her voice was so nasal and so 10
snooty it made me physically ill.

11

“Who the hell is Marie?” I asked, completely irri-12
tated. I had no idea what she was talking about, and 13
frankly I didn’t care.

14

“You know,” she was saying, “you guys all call her 15

Jane.”

16

So that was her real name. Go figure! I was in no 17
mood to explain the sophistication of jokes or to carry on 18
any further conversation with this brace-face, freckled 19
girl. “HER NAME IS JANE!” was all I said. She didn’t 20
venture anything further after that.

21

I turned to Sally and asked her why she hung out with 22
such troglodytes. I don’t think Sally took too kindly to me 23
insulting her friends. She gave me that “just leave them s24

25

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1
alone” look of hers, the one when the corner of her 2
mouth sort of turns up.

3

I had wanted to ask her about real stuff, like her fam-4
ily or what she imagined herself being ten, twenty years 5
from now. A hairdresser? A mother? A doctor? What? I 6
had an urge to get to know her, but for some reason I 7
couldn’t form the questions. I had nothing but nonsense 8
to offer. Whenever I got too close to getting personal 9
with anyone my throat just kind of froze.

10

I’m not so sure why I had taken such a big brother 11
attitude toward her all the sudden. It was probably due to 12
my sleep deprivation. I really did think she was a swell 13
girl. I was angry with myself for the contempt I had felt 14
for her while standing outside her house. I hated acid-15
formed opinions. They leave bad impressions stuck in 16
your head. I was working hard to change the one I’d 17
formed of Sally.

18

19

20

21

22

23

24s

25

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1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10

11

THE FIRST TIME I EVER MET Will was in the little boys’

12
room. We were about eleven or less, but who can 13
remember such things. Will, for one, looked a hell of a 14
lot more on the side of less.

15

Wearing his overalls and his hair combed over in the 16
height of sixth-grade fashion, Will had a smile on his face 17
from the moment I opened the door . . probably even 18
before. I was going to walk past and take care of business 19
until he left, but he made the first move.

20

“Hey, check this out!” he said. I stopped, a bit sur-21
prised. Sure, we knew each other’s faces and all, but we 22
didn’t know each other and in middle school that means 23
you don’t talk. Those were the rules. My mistake was 24s
thinking that Will played by the rules. Will didn’t know 25

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1
the rules, let alone play by them. At eleven, it surprised 2
me. Now it’s one of the things about him that I respect 3
and emulate.

4

Just us and a brand-new bathroom. The sink was one 5
of those basin types. Horse trough kind. Will was stand-6
ing over it and looking like trouble despite his size.

7

Nothing can last at the disposal of hundreds of hormonal 8
young boys. Damage is to be expected, and if it isn’t, 9
they’re dumber than I give credit.

10

“I’m pluggin’ up the drains!” Will squeaked out, and 11

I heard his famous laugh for the first time. “Help me, 12
why don’t ya?”

13

Why not! It wasn’t my usual style, but fuck it. We 14
gathered scores of those rough brown paper towels and 15
plastered them to the drain holes. The faucets were those 16
push-and-drizzle-then-fade-away kind. So we had to keep 17
rushing back and forth to keep them all going.

18

The basin was about a foot deep so it took some time, 19
but we eventually won, you can bank on that! It was a 20
slow fill, but as we ran out the door, the spillage ran onto 21
the floor, leaving the flood in our wake for some tired 22
janitor to mop up. It was the highlight of my day.

23

God, things were so easy in those days! Fun just 24s
found you out wherever you were. It wasn’t all drugs this 25

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and drugs that. Now everything else seems so boring . .

1
so not worth doing.

2

Plugging up drains and spoiling the bathrooms 3
couldn’t do it for us anymore. It’s all politics after a 4
while. Not maturity. No, it’s fucking politics. It ain’t hip 5
to be into the minor destruction these days. These days it 6
would be writing graffiti on the walls and tossing ciga-7
rette butts into the paint. That’s the level we were on.

8

The fucking levels! Man, I hated all that shit. You 9
pass through the stages of cool. That’s how it is. We done 10
passed through most! Doesn’t leave much left for one to 11
do. The worst part is that the levels have a way of getting 12
at you. Will and I and all the rest of us had fallen victim.

13

Following the path for spite, but following nonetheless.

14

We’d done the early pranks. The backtalk and the 15
smart-ass cracks. We’d done the petty theft. Shoplifting 16
for the cheap thrills. We had the property-damage cov-17
ered. The harassment. The public nuisance. It’s all the 18
same. You take the next step once you’ve swum in the 19
lower ranks. We’d grown too cool for this one or that one 20
or whatever. You reach the top and then you do it all over 21
again. High this time around and it’s all new fun. But 22
when you reach the top again? Then what? You reach 23
the top on every kind of high and where’s there to go?

s24

25

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1

That was our destination. A goal of sorts. Make the 2
progression on up the line. But we were reaching the 3
end in a flurry of psychedelic episodes. Breaking barriers 4
and such. Hitting the panic stages with smiles and thin 5
lines of drool on our faces. We’d grown too cool! Too 6
cool for everything. Too cool for the whole scene. Too 7
cool to even give a damn. So much of all the bullshit that 8
happens in this school and at this age, we couldn’t par-9
ticipate in because we’d done it before and passed 10
through it. It was b-o-r-i-n-g! Worn-out and tired. Yawn, 11
yawn, because we’re on to the next big thing.

12

That’s how we knew we were better than all the rest of 13
this world. At least, that’s what we thought. But as I stood 14
in the bathroom thinking back on it all, I wasn’t so sure.

15

It would be nice if something so stupid as flooding the 16
sinks could hold some semblance of fun for me now. But 17
it doesn’t. It just depresses me.

18

It gets me down if I let it . . if I let my mind drift back 19
to what was then and drift forward to what’s ahead.

20

Things drop off. It’s hard to find interest in anything after 21
a time. Christ, we couldn’t even enjoy the harmless 22
hangout. Everything had to be an adventure . . an assault 23
on the senses. It makes it hard to communicate with 24s
people. I mean, they’re all about the weather, the nice 25
new sweater and all that small talk. I can’t deal with

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trivialities. Every conversation needs to be substantial.

1

Every word! Every fucking gesture! Or forget about it.

2

What’s the point? You’re not on my level. You’re not cool 3
enough for me.

4

Man, it really gets me down. When everything’s 5
exhausted there’s nothing left. The rate I was running, it 6
wouldn’t be long. Then what? What’s next? What’s the 7
score? I can’t handle the rest of my life suspended in 8
boredom. Such a chore! Gonna burn out because I can’t 9
stand to fade away. Get it all in fast and get out. No turn-10
ing back now. It’s just the way it is, the way I need to be.

11

I dipped my hands under the cold, rusty water.

12

Crumpled up the towel and tossed it. Fuck it, I thought 13
as I pushed through the door and into a million fractions 14
of conversation.

15

16

17

18

19

20

21

22

23
s24

25

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1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10

11

BY THE LAST CLASS OF THE DAY, I was getting my fifth wind.

12

It was the period I looked forward to every day. Not 13
because it was last either. I wasn’t one of those “school 14
sucks” socialite types who counted the minutes of the day.

15

Well, maybe that day I was, but that was simply due to 16
fatigue. Normally I never really minded school that much.

17

I looked forward to last period because it was English, 18
which I really dug. And because Will was in it along with 19

Melissa. It was one of the advanced classes, the nerd 20
class, but by some stroke of luck Will and I managed to 21
get into the same one.

22

Our teacher was this real intelligent guy. One of those 23

Vietnam protest types. From the first day he’d taken a 24s
friendly liking to Will and me. I guess he saw in us a cer-25

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1
tain affinity with his own glory days. Occasionally we 2
stayed after class to talk further with him, discussing 3
books that would never find their way into the high 4
school curriculum. I remember the first day when he 5
told us to call him Wally instead of Mr. Rhodes. Man, 6
that blew us away. It was about the coolest fucking thing 7
a teacher had ever said to me. It had taken a few days 8
until Will and I were comfortable with it, but once we 9
were, that’s exactly what we called him. Not in class, 10
though, just during the forty minutes or so we’d spend 11
with him after school.

12

When I walked into the room, there was hardly any-13
body there yet. I did a quick survey to make sure I hadn’t 14
missed Melissa or Will. I hadn’t. Neither of them were 15
there, so I took a seat by the door so I could catch 16
whichever of them happened to enter first.

17

Secretly I had hoped Melissa would get there before 18

Will. I still desperately desired a few moments alone with 19
her. Finding out that Will had already made plans with 20

Sally for the weekend had stirred the competitiveness 21
within me. It was like I had to prove to him that I could 22
get a girl, too, that I wasn’t jealous like he thought I was.

23

If Melissa had only showed up first, I might’ve been able 24s
to salvage the weekend. But she didn’t. I saw Will turning 25
into the doorway, wearing a smile and my shirt.

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“Hey!” he said, truly excited to see me. And for an 1
instant I felt guilty for wishing he hadn’t shown up.

2

I could tell Will was in a giddy mood, acting like he’d 3
just gotten away with smoking a cigarette in the lavatory 4
or something. I quickly found my own happiness grow-5
ing in measured increments.

6

“What’s up?” I asked.

7

“Nothing, except . . we’re gonna do some acid later!”

8

We both laughed, and I jokingly told him I’d forgotten 9
all about that.

10

Will was telling me how I could go back to his house 11
after school and catch some sleep. His mom would still 12
be at work so we wouldn’t be bothered. I halfheartedly 13
agreed because right then I spotted Melissa coming in.

14

She had on this top that fit perfectly around that god-15
desslike figure of hers, capturing the beauty of every 16
curve. It was tucked carefully into a pleated skirt that 17
hung freely around her knees. God, I was a sucker for 18
skirts. There was just something so feminine and so 19
downright sexy about ’em. And her eyes . . so full of car-20
ing and so green like the lawns in some imagined 21
heaven. Her whole person took my breath away. I 22
motioned to say hello, but stopped short when I noticed 23
she hadn’t even looked in my direction.

s24

That was it. Another week gone by and another week 25

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1
in which I’d failed to ask Melissa out. I tried telling 2
myself it wasn’t my fault. I had such a small window of 3
time, only the five or so minutes before class on Friday. I 4
couldn’t very well ask her out before then. If she said no 5
before last period on a Friday, so what? I could deal with 6
a half hour of embarrassment because by Monday it 7
would all be like pollution washed under the bridge.

8

Will being there didn’t help things much. He knew I 9
had a thing for Melissa and always tried to talk me out of 10
it. He thought she was okay, but definitely not all that.

11

Due to his less-than-ardent approval, I never committed 12
to telling him how I was absolutely wild about her. Only 13

Kevin knew because he was more open to those kinds of 14
things. He didn’t judge girls like Will did.

15

Around him I had to keep up my image more, which 16
meant taking a casual manner toward Melissa during 17

English class. But man, I wish I could’ve talked to her 18
then. It was a perfect lead-in to something more substan-19
tial than a hello. It was a subject I could discuss with her 20
and feel fairly confident that I wasn’t making a complete 21
ass of myself. But sometimes you just gotta sacrifice for 22
the sake of friends.

23

24s

✹ ✹ ✹

25

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I was feeling a little awful. The acid was most likely 1
responsible. It uses up all the good stuff during the trip 2
and leaves all the poison behind to hit you the next day.

3

Not a flashback, though — that I could deal with.

4

Flashbacks were like getting a little extra for your money.

5

That definitely wasn’t what I was feeling. It was more like 6
the mind getting itself reacquainted with a linear form of 7
thinking.

8

Good ol’ Wally was preaching the power of imagina-9
tion, singing its praises to us creative students. But I 10
wasn’t feeling the same way about it. My imagination 11
was taking me on a bad ride. I was imagining myself as a 12
wilted old man eating dry cereal in a rundown, rented 13
room. I could see the rocking chair as my ancient body 14
tried hard to sway it. I could even smell the puddle of 15
piss in the corner where the mice lived. That “wonder-16
ful imagination” of mine was doing nothing except 17
succeeding to get me into an asylum for the clinically 18
depressed.

19

We had been studying The Rime of the Ancient Mar-20
iner for the last few days. When I read it, it touched me 21
somewhere deep. I felt like that mariner sometimes, no 22
connections to anything. But then, everybody in the 23
world probably felt that way at some point or another. I s24
was no one special.

25

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1

“Alone, alone, all, all alone,/ Alone on a wide wide 2
sea! ” That’s what Coleridge wrote nearly two hundred 3
years ago. And looking over at the separation between 4
desks . . between my desk and Will’s and mine and Me-5
lissa’s, I was struck by just how valid those words really 6
were.

7

Later, I might tell Will these thoughts, if only to get 8
the comfort of that nod of his. Just thinking about it was 9
a relief. At that moment I really believed that his subtle 10
gestures were about the only things keeping me from 11
drowning in that “wide wide sea. ”

12

I turned around to look at him. He raised his eye-13
brows, wondering what I was thinking. I just smiled, and 14
he grinned back. That was all. That’s all I needed. I went 15
back to listening to Wally’s lecture. I have no idea what 16

Will thought I was thinking, but it didn’t matter. I was 17
feeling insecure and needed his reassurance, and he’d 18
given it without even knowing.

19

20

21

22

We didn’t stay after to chat with Wally. We did go out 23
of our way to say good-bye and have a nice weekend, 24s
however. I also made the effort to stop Melissa on her 25
way out. I asked how she’d been. She said something

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along the lines of “Fine, and you?” but what she said 1
wasn’t what was really important; getting her to talk was 2
what mattered.

3

It was a strained conversation on my end. I hoped she 4
hadn’t noticed that I was wearing what Will wore the day 5
before and vice versa. I had thought about asking her to 6
join us tonight but . . Christ, how ridiculous would it 7
sound? “Wanna get mad fucked up with me tonight? Go 8
to this club and do drugs?” I’d come off sounding like a 9
stoner from some bad movie made in the 70s.

10

Melissa was too sophisticated for our underworld 11
tastes. She would never get into that scene. “Why do you 12
go to those places?” she asked me once. I still don’t know 13
how to answer. It’s a search for the surreal . . for the next 14
wave. She was more into the real. Hadn’t yet made it to 15
the point where the real holds no value. She’d ask why 16
we don’t just hang out. I’ve already been through all that.

17

Too hard to explain, so we just stood and bullshitted 18
for a few seconds until her friends arrived and shuffled 19
her off. God, I was such a coward! Why was it I could flirt 20
with every dip-shit girl I couldn’t care less about and 21
then not be able to bring myself to say even one interest-22
ing thing to the girl I was in love with? I stumbled and 23
babbled because I couldn’t bring myself to small talk, s24
but I had nothing else to say. Once we had been close 25

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1
enough to cry in front of each other, and now . . it was 2
like I had to script every word I said.

3

It wasn’t for a few minutes, until Kevin came by, that 4

I was able to get over my self-pity.

5

“You coming over?” Will asked Kevin as he got near 6
enough to hear.

7

“Naw, I should go home.”

8

“Alright. Then we’ll see you later? We’ll go over to 9
your place after we get up.”

10

Kevin was fine with that, so the plan was set. Go to 11

Will’s and get some much-needed sleep, then over to 12

Kevin’s and from there meet up with Taylor and Ryan. It 13
sounded sane enough, so Kevin took his leave.

14

Will and I walked slowly down the hall and out into 15
the street. The sun had come out by then, but it wasn’t 16
like summertime, when blue skies were warming. It was 17
that late autumn kind of sun that never made any sense 18
because there was still a chill in the breeze. I always 19
found the sunshine to be depressing when it was cold. It 20
just didn’t match the weather.

21

I searched the skyline for something to say. My focus 22
went from near to far, north to south. I found nothing of 23
interest. It was still the same town I’d always known.

24s

Philly — Drug City, PA. The perfect combination of 25
modern and archaic.

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“Got anything to eat at your house? I don’t have any 1
money to waste and I’m starving!”

2

Will looked at me, debating my question. I could tell 3
he was going through a mental inventory of his refriger-4
ator and pantry, wracking his brain to come up with 5
something appetizing. He shrugged his shoulders, say-6
ing, “We got bacon and mayo. We could make toast.”

7

“Sounds good to me. Let’s go then. Pick your sorry 8
feet up and move, bitch!” I teased. Will took off, practi-9
cally running. I had to make an extreme effort just to 10
catch up with him. It killed me how he could go at a slow 11
suburban pace and then break like a flash without notice.

12

I think I laughed the whole way back to his house.

13

14

15

16

I was completely out of breath when Will turned the 17
key and swung open his front door. We had run the 18
entire route, not that it was far or anything, but we had 19
run it at top speed. I immediately smelled the musty 20
scent that came through the door.

21

Will and his mom lived in a duplex apartment with a 22
streetside entrance. There were many rooms that 23
remained unfurnished and unused on account it was s24
only the two of them and it was huge. I always had the 25

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1
feeling I was in a dead person’s house, and no matter 2
how hard I tried to shake it, I couldn’t.

3

Will and I went straight into the kitchen without even 4
taking off our coats. We made the bacon sandwiches we 5
had been craving and ate them greedily. Satisfied for the 6
moment, we commenced with the formality of taking off 7
our jackets and throwing them on the floor in one of the 8
empty living rooms.

9

I was just about to follow Will up the stairs into his 10
room when I remembered to call my mom and let her I 11
know I was alive and well.

12

My mom was in a pleasant enough mood on the 13
phone. Still, I heard the faint air of suspicion creep in 14
once I told her I probably wouldn’t be coming home that 15
night. When she had asked why not, I made up some lie 16
that I couldn’t remember two minutes later. I hoped she 17
thought we were all going to go get drunk or something.

18

Hell, if she confronted me in the morning, that’s even 19
what I’d tell her we did. Alcohol’s one thing — LSD, 20
that’s a whole other story. I was so out of it that I almost 21
forgot to tell her I loved her.

22

I hung up the phone and my brain fixed itself on the 23
image of uninterrupted slumber. I walked into Will’s 24s
room, where he was already lying down. He had his 25

Firehouse Jazz compilation album on. Tom & Jerry Jazz

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we called it because it sounded like cartoon theme 1
music. It sounded just like liquid to the ears and I drank 2
in every note.

3

“Man!” I said. “What a lullaby.”

4

Will opened one of his closed eyes and smiled his 5
famous smile. He positioned himself over to the far left 6
side of his queen-size bed and motioned for me to take 7
the right side. I relished the prospect of snoozing on a 8
yielding bed instead of the solid, unforgiving floorboards.

9

Kevin never would’ve gotten into that bed. “What am 10

I, gay?” I heard him saying. He was so uncomfortable 11
with things like that. So what if people thought that? The 12
whole point was to not give a shit what people thought.

13

Will and I couldn’t care less. We were both tired. We 14
both wanted to sleep on a bed and there was plenty of 15
room. And so what if his arm wandered in its sleep and 16
happened to touch me? It was only touch, and touch 17
ain’t nothing.

18

I let the music dance its merry way into the cerebrum.

19

It was going to be a busy night, so I had to make the most 20
of the time allotted. I explored the passages of my brain 21
until I found that secluded dream chamber and lingered 22
there. I let my body fall into the pattern of Will’s snoring.

23

And then nothing. Nothing all around me, like a favorite s24
blanket.

25

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1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10

11

I DREAMED OF BLUE CHILDREN AND wild gardens. Flowers 12
made of moonbeams and old-man speech mixed into 13
the wind like records of high-quality production. Silver 14
water and purple clouds that I could eat and feed on.

15

That’s the world I was always looking for. I just had to 16
keep believing it, keep dreaming it, and someday I’d find 17
myself there for real. I’d travel by faith alone. I’d travel 18
through insanity. I’d live the beggar’s life. And it would 19
all be worth it because the reward was golden fields and 20
an army of rats parading behind the music my flute 21
made as I piped along.

22

It’s the kind of dream that’s found in the spirals of 23
smoke and beneath the cracks in the sidewalk. It leaves 24s

25

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1
you floating like a god, above the world on the back of 2
some giant turtle with the gift of flight.

3

One day I’ll wake in a shanty slum beneath an over-4
pass. The sound of the highway ringing in my ears. The 5
doll with white claws cuddled in my arms. Then I’ll 6
know that I’m there, because that’s the way this dream 7
begins.

8

But that’s not where I woke. And the claws were Amos 9
the cat’s and not from the worn doll.

10

The room was dark. The cat was driving me crazy 11
with the scratching and the pawing and I wanted to up-12
and-kick it hard. Will was in the shower from what I 13
could gather from the light showing through under the 14
door and the sound of rushing water not unlike the 15
sounds that cars make in the distance, above one’s scope 16
of hearing.

17

So it was this now. The waiting. Phone calls back and 18
forth and tracking people down like FBI. I hated this 19
part. I wanted the night to begin. I needed none of this 20
anticipation. None of the arranging of plans and such.

21

Just get it together and skip all this shit for Christ’s sake!

22

The longer the wait, the farther away the dream went.

23

I sat passive in front of Will’s fish tank. Watching the 24s
buggers swim here and there and then dip to hide in the 25
comfort of a tiny cave. I had taken a fancy to this baby-

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bluish fish. There was something subdued about her, 1
about the way she swam and about the way she ignored 2
the rest of them. She reminded me of Melissa, in about 3
as much as a fish can remind someone of a person, I 4
guess.

5

Back and forth and here and there and all the rest.

6

I watched until I got depressed. I was feeling the itch. I 7
couldn’t sit still much longer, it was driving me nuts. Still 8
and quiet. Still and quiet. It’s a recipe for bringing you 9
down. God I just wanted to get going!

10

And then Will came out of the bathroom. I looked at 11
him, he smiled, but we didn’t have much to say. I tilted 12
my head and he nodded so it was understood. I took my 13
leave and took my turn in the steam of a nice, hot shower 14
and a chance at getting clean.

15

16

17

18

19

20

21

22

23
s24

25

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1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10

11

ADAM’S ONE-ROOM APARTMENT RESEMBLED something 12
out of a television program. He had six chains on the 13
door and a stolen fire hydrant resting in the corner. The 14
whole place was filled with the presence of Ryan, Will, 15

Kevin, Taylor, and me. He didn’t usually let his cus-16
tomers drop by without any notice, but we went way 17
back. He had gone to school with us before he graduated 18
two years before. Therefore we could come knocking 19
whenever the need struck.

20

After all the locks were secured, he asked us what we 21
wanted. We told him we each wanted hits and that he 22
might as well throw in an eighth of weed while he was at 23
it. It always amazed me the way his house was an all-24s
night supermarket for drugs.

25

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1

Holding a dropper full of rust-colored liquid up to the 2
light, Adam looked at us. “You gentlemen sure you don’t 3
want any of this instead?”

4

“Whatcha got in there, Adam?” Ryan asked, squinting 5
up his eyes to get a clearer picture.

6

“Liquid LSD, my friends. Just press your finger to the 7
outside of this container and you’ll be tripping for two 8
days!”

9

That sounded like a nightmare to me. I hated Adam 10
right then for making a push. It was out of character for 11
him and it wasn’t working either. The only reason we 12
dealt with him in the first place was because he didn’t do 13
shit like that. I guess he thought this was a special prod-14
uct worthy of a sales pitch. Drug dealers annoyed the 15
hell out me sometimes.

16

“Ahhh, no thanks. We’ll just take the regular 17
strength,” Ryan said, and we all voiced our agreement.

18

“Works for me,” and Adam carefully placed the bottle 19
back on the table. He handed each of us a little sewing 20
baggy made to hold a single button. In them were those 21
longed-for squares of paper with Day-Glo suns illustrated 22
on them. In the spirit of exchange and commerce, we all 23
handed over wrinkled Abe Lincolns, all except Kevin 24s
who had five Washingtons instead.

25

Adam stood staring at us like he was waiting for us to

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leave. Kevin and I looked over at each other with an 1
expression that communicated a likeness of thought.

2

Finally, Taylor spoke up, “The weed? An eighth, remem-3
ber?”

4

Adam exaggerated the shock on his face in order to 5
make it seem funny to us that he certainly had forgotten.

6

We laughed out of courtesy, but really we were getting a 7
little pissed off. I was, anyway. Adam was just rubbing me 8
the wrong way the whole time. I wanted to get our shit 9
and get out. No “let’s be pals.” No chitchat.

10

Adam had gone into his drawer where his stash was 11
kept. His hand reached in, returning with a nice-size bag 12
of good grass. He handed it over to Taylor who somehow 13
always ended up with the weed. Adam told us it was on 14
the house. He could be such a businessman sometimes.

15

On the way out he asked us if we had any interest in 16
counterfeit twenties. “Only if I can pay you with them!”

17

Kevin called out over his shoulder as we left. Adam 18
laughed uneasily as he locked the door behind us.

19

When we’d gotten halfway down the block and out of 20
earshot, I turned to face everyone. “Jesus Christ, what 21
the hell was up with him?”

22

“What do you mean?”

23

I could tell by his face that Ryan really hadn’t noticed s24
anything. “He was acting like a fucking asshole, that’s 25

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1
what I mean. Playing the big-shot drug dealer, trying to 2
show off.”

3

“Oh, was he?” Ryan asked the rest, not wanting to 4
fully trust me without checking out the other opinions.

5

Taylor was the first to speak. He looked more at me 6
than at Ryan when he said, “He was probably fucked up.

7

I don’t think he meant anything by it.”

8

“No excuse!” I meant it, Adam had really pissed 9
me off.

10

“He’s just an asshole, that’s all. No reason for it.” And 11
with that, Kevin had put an end to it. I sure as hell 12
couldn’t argue with him. He had this way of stating his 13
opinions like they were proven facts, and most of the 14
time I thought they might as well have been.

15

We walked a few blocks without speaking. I felt the 16
mood lapsing for no reason. It’s like that when there’s a 17
group and no one’s speaking. It gets uncomfortable. I 18
was beginning to worry about the rest of the night . . and 19
worry isn’t a good prelude to tripping. It sort of gets the 20
whole mind flowing in the wrong direction. I needed a 21
switch in groove before it got too late for changing.

22

We could all feel it, but nobody did anything about it.

23

Finally, Will raised his glance from the ground. He 24s
stopped walking and stood until we all stopped and 25
looked at him.

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He spoke softly, certain of the reception he would 1
receive from the suggestion he was about to put forth.

2

“Hey guys, let’s head over to the park and smoke some of 3
that free weed. Huh? What do you say?”

4

5

6

7

Conversation rushed right back into us as the cigar 8
paper burned down. It had been Ryan’s idea to stop at 9
the store and pick up a blunt. Philly brand, naturally. We 10
all needed cigarettes anyway, so it only made sense.

11

Taylor was eighteen, which made the purchase easy.

12

It had been my idea to take the tabs while in the store.

13

I told everyone that I thought the fluorescent lights 14
would make the experience all the more memorable for 15
posterity. In addition, the utter illegality of it was exhila-16
rating. Taylor had paid the cashier as the paper dissolved 17
in his mouth. On the way out, Will even stuck out his 18
tongue at the man, exhibiting our crime for his amuse-19
ment.

20

The park was an atmosphere of comfort. There were 21
people all around but we didn’t care. We had grown arro-22
gant. Some of them would look over, and when they did, 23
it made me nervous. But we had done the same routine s24
so many times that if asked, we probably would have said 25

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1
it was legal. We were more afraid that people would want 2
us to share with them than we were of them squealing to 3
the police.

4

The five of us were sitting on benches arranged in a 5
quad. I was appreciating the difference between mari-6
juana smoked while waiting for the acid to kick in 7
instead of on the wind-down. By doing it this way, the 8
strychnine buildup is blurred. The weed eases the body 9
into the trip like an on-ramp eases traffic onto the high-10
way.

11

Every time a person would walk close by, we’d all 12
break down. Each time we saw someone new approach-13
ing, we dared one another to keep quiet. It became a test 14
of self-control. We failed miserably. We just couldn’t 15
keep it in no matter how hard we tried. All it took was 16
one of us to bust and the rest would follow.

17

We were becoming a regular nuisance, lying across 18
benches and shouting obscenities. It got to the point 19
where middle-aged couples would steer their children in 20
the opposite direction.

21

We tried convincing ourselves that we were invisible.

22

“If you don’t move, they can’t see you!” Ryan was saying.

23

But we couldn’t stay still, so everyone went right on see-24s
ing us.

25

At one point I even got up and went over and sat down

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right next to this old lady. The guys could all see what I 1
was doing and they were shouting things across the way.

2

I knew the old lady heard them, but she never let on. I 3
was pulling my famous Hamlet act, putting on like I was 4
crazy. I let a sliver of drool run a course down my chin 5
and let the foam fill my mouth like I had rabies. I started 6
slapping my knee real hard with the back of my hand.

7

Then I let out a horrendous series of laughs at top vol-8
ume. I was carrying on like a genuine lunatic.

9

Over my own roar I could hear the guys laughing 10
something fierce. The old woman must have thought we 11
were stark raving mad. I leaned a little more toward her, 12
my screams echoing through her ears. She gave a slight 13
shake of the head and I pictured her mumbling silently 14
to herself something about the state of young people 15
these days. She rose right up, shifting weight onto her 16
brittle bones. She never even looked in my direction!

17

She just got up and hobbled away. I slipped out of char-18
acter and fell into convulsions.

19

Kevin took up the entertainment where I left off. He 20
had seen the way the old lady was clutching her handbag 21
and recognized it as a point of entry. “That’s right! Run 22
along, you old hag!” he was yelling. “Think I’m gonna 23
snatch your purse? Huh? Whatever! I don’t want your s24
tired-ass junk!”

25

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1

We were all dying. Later, if I thought about it again, I 2
might feel bad about disturbing that poor woman’s 3
peace, but as it was happening I was too caught up in the 4
comedy of it. That’s the way it is when you lived like we 5
did. The world is a playground for your recreation and 6
everything and everyone in it are just props at your dis-7
posal.

8

I stood as soon as I got my senses back. Walking over 9
to rejoin the group, I noticed the variations in my vision.

10

The acid was creeping into my bloodstream like a 11
plague. I completely forgot that smoking weed acceler-12
ates the machination of the heart valves, thus quickening 13
the introduction of LSD to the brain. I couldn’t tell 14
where the effects of one drug were giving way to the 15
other. I had the faint sensation that I was flying, or at least 16
hovering a few inches above the ground.

17

I heard Will through a fog. He looked at me, saying, 18

“Sit down before you fall down.” He must have seen me 19
wobble, or else I actually was floating above the ground.

20

I didn’t respond, too lost in my revolving thoughts of 21
optical stimulation.

22

“SIT DOWN BEFORE YOU FALL DOWN!” all 23
four of them were now repeating in a southern drawl.

24s

They sounded so distant. I couldn’t bring myself to sit.

25

My muscles tightened at the thought. I was too caught

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up in the movement of the stars overhead and the 1
strength of the pigeon’s wings that flew in front of them.

2

I spread my arms like a scarecrow, watching for the 3
clouds to move in.

4

5

6

7

It took some convincing but I did manage to get them 8
all off their asses. It was going on ten-thirty and I was get-9
ting the fever to be inside somewhere. The prospect of 10
the club rested on our minds like the promise of heaven 11
did for devoted Christians. We headed there with a 12
bounce in our step.

13

I lingered back a few feet behind the rest, staring at 14
the litter that blew around in the streets. I found myself 15
fascinated by a piece of newspaper caught in the back-16
draft of opposing winds. To my altered perception, it 17
appeared to stand still in the air. It was unnerving. I wig-18
gled my fingers at that paper like a witch casting a spell, 19
believing I had some magical control over nature. It was 20
actually more disturbing when it worked and the paper 21
took off once again. I was too fucked up to grasp the con-22
cept of coincidence and way too freaked out to watch 23
where the newspaper traveled from there.

s24

I tried to avoid looking any of the others in the eye.

25

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1

Everyone was now wearing his acid face, and I hadn’t 2
adjusted yet. I took to watching the sidewalk instead.

3

With the insect sensitivity the LSD had bestowed on me, 4

I noticed the slight imperfections in the cement. I saw 5
the color shifts from one slab to the next. Like gasoline 6
rainbows on the road in summertime, they disappeared 7
once I was on top of them.

8

I quickened my step to catch up with Will. He looked 9
over at me and smiled. I could tell he was struggling with 10
an identical lack of reality.

11

He was fumbling with something in his hand. I asked 12
him what it was. He smiled again, but this time absent-13
mindedly. He opened his hand to reveal a fragment of 14
shattered glass. Its edges were dangerously sharp. Kevin 15
saw it, too.

16

“Jesus, what the hell are you doing?” he asked.

17

Will just kinda laughed like he was trapped in a 18
movie. “I dunno,” he said, throwing the glass to the con-19
crete and seeing it break into a million pieces. It was a 20
beautiful display, and the three of us watched in appreci-21
ation as the particles scattered.

22

“I’m a mess!” I said to them.

23

Taylor must’ve of heard me because he spun around 24s
like he was made of clay, startling the hell out of us. “I’M

25

TRIPPING MY FUCKING FACE OFF!” he exclaimed

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in absolute exhilaration. He continued to animate his 1
features until I thought we were all going to piss our 2
pants with laughter.

3

Ryan was the only one keeping his cool about him.

4

Drugs never affected Ryan in the same way. It was like 5
his parents had inoculated him against their influence 6
when he was younger. The rest of us were losing our 7
minds and there was Ryan, calm and collected.

8

I teased him a little about it, just to get him involved 9
in the action. “Ryan, what’s the matter?” I asked. “You’re 10
acid beat or something? What’s going on?”

11

“Naw, I’m good.”

12

Kevin and I shook our heads in total admiration. The 13
man was made of iron. Tough as nails. I looked at him 14
again and he flashed me an open-mouthed grin. The 15
proportions of his face were so distorted by my sight that 16
he momentarily resembled a giant monkey. I laughed 17
out loud and Ryan laughed right along with me, not 18
even knowing what was so funny.

19

It wasn’t long before we were standing right outside 20
the club. The music was penetrating through the walls 21
so we could hear it clearly. The bass grabbed me in the 22
chest and set the rate at which my heart beat. I held back 23
a minute while Ryan straightened everything out with s24
the bouncer.

25

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1

I had underestimated the consequences of tripping 2
two nights in a row. It felt like the new acid had resur-3
rected the old from hibernation so that both could min-4
gle in chemical intercourse.

5

I wasn’t sure if I was prepared to enter the crowded 6
club. Granted, everyone in there would be high in some 7
form or another, but still the thought of all those intoxi-8
cated bodies made me claustrophobic.

9

Ryan turned toward us and motioned us along. “No 10
turning back now,” I whispered so no one but me could 11
hear it.

12

Inside, the place was very dark . . only the occasional 13
strobe or cluster of candles to light the place. The sound 14
was intense. I felt the electronic beats pulsing through 15
my veins like medicine. And as the security guy patted us 16
down, I was struck with the idea that we were explorers 17
boarding a vessel propelled by music. Once locked 18
inside the capsule, we would be shuttled across time and 19
space and would arrive in some future galaxy. This idea 20
appealed to me. With dilated eyes, I strode boldly into 21
the smoke-filled atmosphere.

22

23

24s

25

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1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10

11

THE CLUB HAD ONE MAIN DANCE floor with little cubical 12
rooms and couches off to the side. Speakers as tall as me 13
were arranged at every angle. The sound pulsing from 14
them was tangible, filling the enclosed space with sonic 15
waves. I felt my joints shift with each cut in the record 16
the DJ created.

17

There were hundreds of people swarming all around.

18

Every one of them was dressed in the height of fashion.

19

Men and women alike, decked out in fur coats and eye 20
makeup. Shoes with five-inch heels tapped the wood 21
floor in rhythm. Eyes and skin tone of every ethnicity 22
were woven into the chaos. The spectrum of color gen-23
erated from the clothing was beautiful to behold . . and 24s
the smell of moist fabric was everywhere.

25

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1

I was styling in my own way. I had on this orange poly-2
ester shirt I’d borrowed from Will. It fit real tight around 3
my chest, exaggerating the thinness. Butterfly collar to 4
the maximum, and cuffs that hung away from the wrists.

5

I remembered picking it out and thinking the bright 6
color would be perfect.

7

As I opened up my coat, Kevin looked over and 8
started cracking up. “Damn,” he said, “where’d you get 9
them threads at? Looks like you stole that right out of an 10
after-school special!”

11

“Close enough,” I said. “I took it from Will’s closet!”

12

“Brendon, you didn’t tell us you were going all out.

13

What? You trying to show us up or something?”

14

I looked at Ryan, who was dressed in the usual man-15
ner, a pair of khakis and a Gilligan striped sweater. I 16
looked over at the rest and they were all in similar attire.

17

It was the first any of them besides Will had seen me. I 18
hadn’t taken off my coat before then because I wanted to 19
give them all a little surprise when they were tripping.

20

They all sort of relied on me to be a little crazy. Since I 21
never gave a shit what anyone but them thought, any-22
way, I was always happy to oblige.

23

Kevin, Ryan, and Taylor were smiling, still getting 24s
used to the sight of me when I spoke up again. “Now 25
that’s not all by any means. Check this out.” I reached

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into my coat pocket, scrounging for the yellow-lens sun-1
glasses inside. When I found them, I put them on. The 2
image was complete. I cut the figure of an LSD poster 3
boy to perfection. The tint of the shades matched up with 4
the color of my hair and magnified the finery of the shirt.

5

I held my wide-eyed head high with a broad smirk 6
extending from cheek to cheek. From one look at me, 7
everyone in that sorry club knew I was the fucking disco 8
king. Mr. Friday Night with an acid grin. I would be the 9
admiration of all those suburban kids in from Jersey. If I 10
came back the next week, I’d change my style up. I had 11
to keep it fresh from appearance to appearance. I knew 12
the next time I went there, there would be at least three 13
fakers looking exactly like I did tonight.

14

Almost immediately after we got settled inside, we 15
spotted a few scenesters we recognized. Taylor was 16
always trying to bring outsiders into our group, so he led 17
us over to them.

18

When I got close enough to see who it was we were 19
meeting up with, I saw that I knew them, too. It turned 20
out to be Phoebe, Vanessa, and Mikey . . three waster 21
types I couldn’t care less about. I looked over at Will, 22
rolling my eyes. I could tell he wasn’t in the mood to 23
deal with them either. Begrudgingly, we took our seats s24
on the sofa and observed the conversation.

25

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1

I smoked a cigarette in a casual fashion, vaguely con-2
centrating on the voices involved in a shouted dialogue.

3

I let my gaze wander onto the dance floor. I let my mind 4
fade into the pattern of the strobes . . blinking accord-5
ingly.

6

I caught a whiff of the Magic Marker smell as a cloud 7
of PCP smoke went up beside me. I knew it was Mikey 8
without even looking. It had to be. Every time I’d ever 9
seen that kid he was dusted to the eyeballs. No one else I 10
knew shared his habit, so he always ended up smoking it 11
all by himself. He thought it was so goddamn exotic. His 12
brain was hot-wired from inhaling all that shit. It was 13
kind of sad the way he was on the long-and-winding road 14
down. Christ, he couldn’t even speak in full sentences 15
anymore. He was likely to die of an aneurysm at any 16
time. I never could understand why Taylor insisted we 17
associate with addicts like that.

18

One thing I could be sure of, the acid was in full 19
swing. I was feeling an amnesia of the senses. The night 20
was lingering on the edge of decadence, and the world 21
was colored yellow by the filtering lenses in front of my 22
eyes. The cigarette in my hand had burned its way down 23
to the filter. I let it fall onto the floor, enchanted by the 24s
slow motion flight of the ashes as they fell.

25

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✹ ✹ ✹

1

2

Will, Taylor, and myself were having our familiar 3
bunny-kitten debate. We all had this theory that all 4
females fit into one of four categories in the same way 5
food fit into the four food groups. There were the girls 6
whose faces resembled bunny rabbits with cute noses 7
and round eyes. Then there was the type that looked 8
more like cats . . small triangular faces and large eyes.

9

The ones with long noses and flat features fit into the 10
horse category, and all the short, ugly girls were remain-11
dered into the troll department. Every once in a while 12
there’d be a girl whose beauty would shoot the whole 13
theory to hell because it was indescribable. Those girls 14
we fit into the alien slot because they were just too good 15
to be human.

16

I subscribed to the bunny club. Though felines were 17
attractive, too, it was the bunny girls who blew me away.

18

So damn cute, every last one of them. My philosophy 19
had been that I would take a kitten if she came my way, 20
but if given the choice, I’d take the rabbit type without a 21
second thought.

22

Will had a preference for the felines. He was religious 23
about it. I had never seen him with a girl that didn’t fall s24

25

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1
unquestionably into the kitten section. No one I knew 2
cared too much for the horses or the trolls, but I knew 3
there were some guys out there who did, because I’d seen 4
countless numbers of those types walking arm in arm 5
with some poor loser.

6

We were having a good time classifying the girls at the 7
club as they passed by. I pointed at one girl standing 8
nearby. “She’s a troll.”

9

“Trolls are nasty!” Taylor added in between spurts of 10
laughter. I wanted to tell him that I thought his girl-11
friend, Mary, was a troll but I didn’t think it would go 12
over too well.

13

I looked over my shoulder to check on Kevin and 14

Ryan. They’d been talking up Phoebe and Vanessa ever 15
since Mikey had passed out. They saw me looking and 16
waved me over. I took my leave of Will and Taylor and 17
stumbled to where they were sitting.

18

“We were thinking about getting a second hit,” Ryan 19
said.

20

“Really!” I was stunned. I’d barely been able to con-21
trol the effect of the first one and I wasn’t even at full 22
peak. I gave Kevin a slight twist of face to silently ques-23
tion him. He answered back with a wink of the eye, com-24s
municating that he had every intent of going through 25
with the plan.

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It didn’t really surprise me that Ryan would buy 1
another. He was an acidhog due to the drug’s limited 2
influence on him. He had a higher tolerance than I did.

3

Hell, I’d been with him before when he was on three hits 4
and he was just as at ease as if he’d been sober. But 5

Kevin? I was flat-out stunned. I mean, honestly, we had 6
just tripped the night before, how much did he think he 7
could handle?

8

“You’re really gonna drop another?” I asked again.

9

“Yeah, I think so,” Ryan said. “What do you think, 10

Brendon, you wanna get one, too?”

11

Truth was, it did sound tempting. But after I had the 12
chance to digest the utter insanity of the proposal, I told 13
them no. My mind already felt like it was expanding at a 14
rate I couldn’t control. No need to rush it along on a 15
crash course.

16

The way it turned out, Taylor joined them on a two-17
hit odyssey. Will was with me all the way. He told me he 18
could already taste the bile in his stomach and didn’t 19
want to end up leaving a trail of intestines from the club 20
all the way back to his house.

21

The three of them got up to walk around in search of 22
a dealer with ready supply. I knew it shouldn’t be too 23
hard to find. The whole club stunk with the traffic of s24
illicit substances. Everywhere you’d turn, some drug vio-25

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1
lation or another was taking place. There were speed 2
freaks sniffing lines right out of the palms of their 3
hands . . college girls caught in the shameless grip of 4

Ecstasy . . suppressed violent types under the false 5
strength of PCP. In a way it was sickening. I dreaded the 6
thought of ever becoming the kind of person that lived 7
from one high to the next. Sometimes I believed I might 8
end up that way on the drugs because once you’re doing 9
them, then you’re really fucking doing them! Everything 10
else pales in comparison. Nothing comes near the nar-11
cotic fun, the paradise of sensation and such. But I was 12
sure that death would claim me and wash all my sins 13
away before it ever got to that point. I’d make certain of it 14
if I had to.

15

16

17

18

Before the others returned, I got up on the pretense of 19
getting a drink of water. I was feeling the need to walk 20
around and test out my legs. As I made my way to the 21
bar, I spied this real pretty Asian girl. Her face had the 22
perfect coloring and texture of doll plastic. She was wear-23
ing a bright yellow tank top that looked like it was made 24s
of rubber. She had matched it with a plaid skirt that 25
really covered no more than what a modest pair of

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underwear might. And she stood there just like a goddess 1
without shame, practically naked in front of everyone.

2

One look at her and I could tell she was one of the 3

Neo-Tokyo types. She was one of those girls who envied 4
the allure of Hello Kitty products and the seduction of 5
the unreal. She had a felt ribbon in her shining black 6
hair and her whole person looked like it was taken right 7
from some Japanimation movie.

8

I decided that I had nothing to lose by just going to 9
talk to her. The ungoverned atmosphere of the club 10
emboldened me. I told myself that I was looking good, 11
what with my fancy getup and the shades and such. The 12
flow of hallucinogens to the brain had left me devoid of 13
any self-doubt.

14

“Where you from?” I asked by way of introduction. I 15
was practically standing on top of her. She must have 16
thought I was a real fucking basket case with the pupils 17
of my eyes bugging out of their sockets like they were.

18

She gave me the look of a snob. Before I had opened 19
my stupid mouth, she had been giving me the encourag-20
ing eye. Or at least I thought she had. She probably 21
thought I was cute before I approached her and made a 22
complete ass out of myself.

23

I couldn’t believe it when I heard myself asking if she s24
came there often. What was I, some second-rate 25

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1

Hollywood actor? I immediately wanted to take it back, 2
but it was too late. The damage was already done. I des-3
perately wanted to say something else. Anything else!

4

But I just stood there staring at her like a little boy with 5
puppy eyes. I wanted her to reach out and touch my 6
hand, to do anything that would wipe the dumb look 7
from my face. But all she did was turn her nose up at me 8
and walk away. I couldn’t really blame her, though. I 9
came off like a pervert or a creep at best and it most cer-10
tainly weirded her out.

11

I made a mental note to myself to avoid any attempts 12
to pick up girls for the rest of the night. My condition had 13
obviously deteriorated to a level where that type of activ-14
ity would be doomed to failure.

15

16

17

18

I found myself seated in an obscure corner on the 19
edge of the polished wood dance floor. I had made my 20
way across the busy room, pushing and being pushed 21
from behind. My mood had taken a drastic dive. The 22
flood tide had reached the banks of my mind and I felt 23
the waning presence of reality.

24s

There was this guy, tall and thin, and he was dancing 25
in place a few feet in front of me. His knotted hair was

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pulled back and tied behind his neck. The thick cluster 1
of dreads sat like a headdress atop his head, diminishing 2
the apparent size of his face. His long-limbed body kept 3
in a constant repetitive motion, like someone perform-4
ing a tribal ritual.

5

From the contour of his bare shoulders to the tips of 6
his elongated fingers, the guy’s body approximated the 7
shape of a lizard. His dance remained in an instant 8
replay sequence. I saw sweat run down the bridge of his 9
nose only to fly off during a rapid change in direction.

10

He had a case of the windup sickness . . stuck in the 11
rhythm of the music’s quickness.

12

The flash of the strobe lights was creating a dizzying 13
sensation as my eyes skipped from second to second. I sat 14
like one enchanted by a snake charmer’s flute or an old 15
sailor’s seafaring tale. I was too terrified to move, afraid 16
that I would cease to exist if the spell were broken. So I 17
stayed put, isolated in an obscure corner of a crowded 18
place.

19

Slowly, I let my mind relax and felt my dreams 20
develop matter . . felt the melting away of feeling and 21
the embrace of the water within me.

22

23

✹ ✹ ✹
s24

25

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1

Will was practically sitting in my lap. I hadn’t even 2
registered his coming over toward me. Having lost all 3
track of linear time, I had no idea how long I had been 4
staring at the fluid motions of the liquid dancers. And I 5
had only a vague recollection of the imaginary world I 6
had so recently inhabited.

7

The touch of Will’s warm hand hit me like an electric 8
circuit at high voltage. My whole field of vision was shat-9
tered. It was a relief when my eyes finally settled their 10
focus on Will’s grinning features.

11

He asked if I was okay and I told him that I couldn’t 12
be absolutely sure because I wasn’t currently sure who I 13
was to begin with. We both got a good laugh out of that.

14

Back down on planet Earth, I was made abruptly 15
aware that I was tripping hard. Harder than I had in a 16
long time, due to the previous night’s excursion and the 17
small dose of slumber in between.

18

Will’s nearness had begun to freak me out a little bit.

19

His face was so close to mine that it wouldn’t have taken 20
any effort for him to extend his narrow tongue and lick 21
my cheek. During the height of a trip I needed the com-22
fort of distance. Didn’t want anyone near enough to 23
touch. But I also feared Will would mistake my inten-24s
tions if I asked him to move and I most definitely didn’t 25
want a hurting of feelings.

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I took several deep breaths and with each I grew more 1
accustomed to Will’s proximity. He looked me straight in 2
the eye with a beaming smile to express his far gone 3
mental state. And I felt the old playground feeling like I 4
was rocking on a swing with a friend doing the same 5
beside me. I started to enjoy my trip again.

6

“Where are the other guys?” I asked.

7

“What do you mean where?” Returning my question 8
with a more complicated one. Normally, I would have 9
been annoyed by such a response but under the circum-10
stances I had begun to chuckle.

11

“I mean, where are the other guys? Kevin? Taylor?

12

Ryan? Where are they or are they nowhere and I just 13
made them up in my head?”

14

Will’s face went blank for a second. “What?” he said, 15
starting to laugh and I started laughing harder than I had 16
before. He continued on in typical acid confusion, 17

“Wait . . we’re here, right? So the question is: Where are 18
they in relation to where we are.”

19

We broke down, unable to finish what we were 20
attempting to discern. It’s like that on strong acid. Every 21
new encounter sets off a need to figure out the most 22
insignificant matter like it was the key to understanding 23
life’s most basic mysteries. It allows for a semblance of s24
connection between the simple and the abstract. The 25

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1
altered mind cannot process a problem from start to fin-2
ish without getting caught up in everything in between.

3

Will and I had been caught by the trap. It could hap-4
pen with anything. You could try to be figuring out if you 5
had enough money to buy a soda or something and from 6
there you’d be trying to grasp the whole biology of eat 7
and drink, until you ended up convinced that all of 8
human nature was just some alien conspiracy.

9

Will had just come to the conclusion that no one 10
could ever really knew where anyone else was as long as 11
they were out of his sight. I saw Kevin approaching as 12

Will finished his final statement, “That’s just the way it’s 13
gonna be!”

14

“What’s all this about ‘a new way’?” Kevin asked in his 15
best imitation of a British screen accent. He was quoting 16
one of our favorite movies and all three of us got the joke 17
right away.

18

It was the first I’d seen of Kevin since he’d set sail on 19
the wind of a second dose. His eyes looked like they were 20
direct from storybook illustrations, being much too large 21
for his head. I thought I saw them rotate in a retracted 22
spiral, but that could’ve been due to my own warped per-23
ception.

24s

Kevin was trying to talk to me but his words were get-25
ting lost in the lyrics of the songs and the scratching of

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the records. I was hit with a flash of fever as I tried to 1
translate the movement of Kevin’s lips into sensible lan-2
guage. I felt the need to get myself to the bathroom and 3
wash the heat from my face. I excused myself and rose 4
on unsteady legs, feeling the rush of tainted blood into 5
the head.

6

7

8

9

I was losing my grip. It felt like my sanity was sealed 10
off in some safe that hung from a height by a thin thread, 11
like how the spine is held to the brain. In an instant that 12
thin wire would snap, sending that safe sinking into the 13
depths while my mind rose into a mist of uncertainty.

14

The stark lighting in the bathroom did nothing to help.

15

It was a bit terrifying walking into all that brightness.

16

The ceiling and the stained floor were revolving in alter-17
nation. The odor of shit and vomit came through and 18
nauseated me. I ran my hand along the tile to guide me.

19

I was light-headed and very unsteady.

20

I stood in front of the urinal but there wasn’t anything 21
happening. No flushing out of the system. It wouldn’t 22
work. I fucking hated when it wouldn’t work. It was like 23
my body was holding on to the drugs with all it had.

s24

I stood staring at the words markered on the wall in 25

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1
movable graffiti: “I AM THE WALRUS! COO-COO-CACHOO!”

2

Man, I was taken aback with how appropriate those 3
words were at the moment. I could’ve been the walrus or 4

I could’ve been the carpenter. I could’ve been Christ or 5

I could’ve been the crucifier. In my state, I couldn’t be 6
quite sure of anything.

7

I looked at the tiles and they were melting. In the mir-8
ror, my face was melting. The color of my shirt, reflected 9
in the looking glass and refined through the tint of my 10
glasses, was burning my eyes.

11

I ran my hands under the cold water pouring from the 12
faucet. I cupped them in order to catch the droplets. I 13
brought the water into position to splash my face and 14
wash the fever away. As I stared into it, I thought I saw 15
thousands of tiny brown insects swimming, but it was 16
just a trick of the fluorescence.

17

I rinsed the bad effects out of my head. I let the water 18
run down my face. There weren’t any paper towels so 19

I used toilet paper to dry off instead. I looked into the 20
mirror for a parting glance. I saw every imperfection 21
reflected back at me. It looked like I had a rash that was 22
spreading at a quickening rate, and I thought to myself, 23

“I am the Walrus!” Or at least I was making the transfor-24s
mation. I heard the voices returning in my head.

25

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As I left the offending smell of the bathroom, the 1
voices echoed in my head like a recording played 2
at higher speed than need be. “Coo-coo-cachoo, coo-3
coo-cachoo! ” screaming like ghosts from beyond the 4
grave.

5

6

7

8

I scanned all the strange faces as I emerged from the 9
blinding light. I felt like a soul that had been rejected 10
from heaven and was cast back into the miseries of daily 11
life. I was struck by how ugly everyone suddenly looked.

12

My happy pill had gone the other way.

13

There was a panic eating away the inside of my belly, 14
like I’d accidentally swallowed some radioactive protein 15
and had to deal with the aftertaste. I staggered in a daze, 16
unable to locate any of my friends. The place was con-17
gestive and I felt the walls of the club closing in on me 18
like a python.

19

When I finally eyed the rest of the guys across the 20
room it was like receiving an injection of pleasant phar-21
maceuticals. As soon as I was in their company, the good 22
times would come back again.

23

I must have looked like hell, sweat pouring down my s24

25

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1
face and all. I was out of breath and feeling worn out.

2

Ryan looked up at me with concern.

3

“You alright, Brendon? You look like you’ve just seen 4
a ghost.”

5

I had. I’d seen my own pale and transparent ghost in 6
the bathroom mirror. I just sort of nodded my head.

7

“Yeah, I’ll be okay. It’s just hot in here, that’s all.”

8

“Well, take a seat then. We were just discussing the 9
possibility of smoking some more weed in one of the 10
stalls.” I was watching Kevin as he talked. One glance 11
was all it took to tell he was in a whole other world from 12
the one I was in.

13

I took up one of the seats on a couch they’d secured.

14

They were all speaking back and forth in such a flurry 15
that I couldn’t keep up. Besides Will, they were no 16
longer on the same schedule as me. They’d accelerated 17
into overdrive while I was stuck in the rewind.

18

For once in my short-lived life, the idea of smoking 19
more weed didn’t appeal to me. The last thing I needed 20
was to increase the negative narcotic ailment in my 21
body. Already, Taylor was rolling a joint for our con-22
sumption. I was feeling a little bit like a downer. They 23
were all having so much fun. I wasn’t gonna be the one 24s
to rain on their parade. I decided I would just leave 25
before they smoked. Simple as that. I would get off my

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ass and proceed through the silver doors like it never 1
happened.

2

“Let’s do the dirty deed!” Taylor announced once the 3
joint was all prepared. The rest all rose. Even Mikey got 4
up out of his drug-induced sleep to follow the trail of 5
would-be smoke.

6

They took a few steps before noticing that I was still 7
nestled in the comfy cushions of the sofa. “What?”

8

Taylor asked looking back at me. “Aren’t you coming?”

9

“Naw, you guys go ahead. I think I might head on 10
home.”

11

Kevin started laughing and so did the rest. They 12
thought I had to be putting them on. Go home? What, was 13

I crazy? I could see them thinking it the minute I said it.

14

“You serious, Brendon?”

15

I felt Kevin’s stare and I felt everyone else’s. They 16
stood towering over me in inquisition. Taylor had the 17
same look he had earlier at school when he thought we’d 18
snubbed him. Only before it hadn’t appeared all twisted 19
up into a modern sculpture like it did to me then. “You 20
got to be kidding!”

21

I fixed my sight over on Will, knowing he was the only 22
one on my level. Hoping he would at least understand 23
the need to flee. Keeping my gaze on him, I told them all s24
that I wasn’t feeling tip-top.

25

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1

I was in the trailing end of my peak, but peaking 2
nonetheless. So when my would-be comforters crept 3
closer they all appeared to be predatory birds. I crouched 4
farther into the sunken sofa. I was having a really bad 5
time of it. My mood was getting more erratic by the sec-6
ond. Their arm movements repeated themselves in the 7
flailing motion of wings and I withdrew farther in.

8

They all kept asking if I was okay. I wanted to yell out 9
that I’d be fine if they just got the fuck away and let me 10
breathe. But they were only trying to help out and even 11
in my state I was aware of it. They were too fucked up to 12
notice they were scaring the shit out of me.

13

I started to say my partings to each in turn. They were 14
still unsure if I was joking or not, but I ignored them.

15

The scenery was getting grainy . . like the switch from 16
analog to digital and I couldn’t make the adjustment.

17

“You’re not really fucking leaving, are you?” Kevin 18
asked.

19

Yes! Yes! I really was fucking leaving! I didn’t know 20
why that was so terrifically hard for him and everyone 21
else to understand. I stood, then made for the door, com-22
pletely shrugging off Kevin.

23

He grabbed my arm and spun me around. “What’s 24s
your problem?” he said, his face looking bitter and ugly.

25

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“Weed ain’t cool enough for you? You’re too smart for 1
that shit now?”

2

Kevin’s tone told me he wasn’t kidding around any-3
more. I could see the surge of unexplainable amounts of 4
acid lingering behind his eyes. Staring deep into them, it 5
didn’t take much for me to tell him to fuck off.

6

He went for the dramatics, putting on like he was hurt 7
only to show that he’d anticipated my remarks and that 8
they didn’t mean shit to him. Then it was Taylor chiming 9
in, taking on the role of pushing Kevin along. “Maybe 10
we’re the ones who aren’t cool enough,” he said with a 11
smile expanding across his face, impressed with his own 12
simple wit. But he was a prick, so fuck all what he said.

13

“I’m bored.” I yawned. I was through with this. It was 14
old and tired and I was having trouble standing in an 15
upright position.

16

“Oh, so sorry we couldn’t entertain you more!” Kevin 17
said, real sarcastic and leading up to what it was he really 18
wanted to say to me. “Come on,” he continued, “you’re 19
the clown here! Why don’t you do one of your little acts 20
and keep the party going since you’re so fucking bored?”

21

I was all openmouthed and wide blue eyes. I hadn’t 22
expected the comments to get so close to the serious.

23

Working through the mist that hid reason from my brain, s24

25

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1

I stared Kevin down. I looked at the bend of his eyebrows 2
and the distorted coloring of his face . . the television sta-3
tic in his gaze. I read his features as they twitched in a 4
hallucinatory daze . . and then I saw the situation for 5
what it was. There was a fucking mutiny going on and 6
there weren’t much I could do.

7

Ryan edged his words in between us. It was a deliber-8
ate and sudden movement and it shocked the hell out of 9
me. His face was green with the reflections bouncing off 10
his skin and his voice borrowed from some swampy 11
rhythm. “Come on, let’s just go and smoke, then you two 12
can kiss and make up. Come on, Brendon.”

13

Always the role of the peacemaker. Always calm and 14
up for keeping an even tempo. But Ryan made the mis-15
take of appealing to me, thinking I could defuse the situ-16
ation by shrugging away and conceding. The Indian pipe 17
trick wasn’t gonna work this time. It was out of my hands.

18

I couldn’t. I couldn’t go back into that bathroom with its 19
face-changing mirrors and monster-under-the-bed mem-20
ories for the sole purpose of further alienating my soul 21
from my mind. Hell, I wasn’t even sure I could walk, 22
what with the crowd bending and swaying to block the 23
way and the flickering lights deteriorating my sense of 24s
vision. Besides, I wasn’t leading anymore. This was 25

Kevin’s battle to win or lose.

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I looked over at him . . his face hidden in the shadows 1
of the dark club. I knew something was coming, but had 2
no idea what or how to brace for it. So I stood open and 3
unblocked . . a stream of dancers softly twirling nearby.

4

And I was scared all of a sudden. I was alone in the 5
world, all of a sudden.

6

Kevin didn’t hold anything back. He went at me in 7
every way he knew how . . saying shit I hadn’t believed 8
he could even think. “You’re a fucking asshole,” was how 9
he started off. “Blowing us off all night, hiding in cor-10
ners, pouting like a damn baby!”

11

I stood mute like any good defendant. What the hell 12
was I gonna say to that? He must have taken my lack of 13
response as an invitation to continue because he got 14
right back into it. “And why you always gotta talk shit 15
about everyone behind their backs? Who the hell made 16
you prince? You’re just a skinny bitch!”

17

He paused and I rolled my eyes and felt faint.

18

Confrontation was so tiresome while on acid. I was 19
about to crack up laughing because I thought I saw a 20
hidden smirk on Kevin’s face. It was all a joke then? I 21
wouldn’t put it past him. But when he cleared his throat 22
to begin again, I knew that was only wishful thinking.

23

Kevin got going at such a pace . . stringing together s24
insults and obscenities like bullets in a wild Western. He 25

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1
was frothing and spitting and the like . . a tone taken 2
from Nazi war films. He let his thick tongue run freely 3
over the words, hungering to hurt me. I took them all in, 4
pervert, faggot, trashy piece of shit. I wasn’t sure where all 5
of this was coming from, but Kevin was having a real go 6
of it.

7

I was desperate. I didn’t know what the hell he was 8
talking about. And where the hell was Will in all this? I 9
scanned around and back over my shoulder and saw Will 10
staring into the flow of people, into his glass of water and 11
down at his feet . . anywhere but at me.

12

The spiteful words just kept flooding in my direction, 13
sissy, pussy, deserter and all the others. He was keeping 14
time with the unshakable fury of the surrounding speak-15
ers. I was losing my balance, and once again Kevin 16
resembled a vulturous bird . . his incredible wings creat-17
ing a whirlwind to knock me down. The rush of people 18
was heading right toward me . . their insane cackles mix-19
ing with the music and flushing the color from my skin.

20

I was teetering, falling . . ring the bell and count to ten.

21

It’s a knockdown! It’s a knockdown! But he kept railing 22
me . . kept chirping and screaming and barking ugly 23
orders. Jesus, throw the fucking towel! But there was still 24s
one more jab up his sleeve . . the good old low blow for a 25
crowd pleaser.

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“You never give a shit about anyone but yourself!

1

You’re no different from all those assholes you claim to 2
hate . . greedy and egotistic. Think you’re smarter and 3
better-looking than the rest of us! Is that why you always 4
trying to steal people’s old girlfriends, to show you’re bet-5
ter than the rest?”

6

I was stung. That was told in confidence and he knew 7
it. There was no need to bring her into it. It was a sore 8
subject with Ryan around and he fucking knew better.

9

Now it was out in the open, and I was going to get shit for 10
it for a long time because none of the guys really liked 11
her. I was insecure about the whole thing as it was.

12

He’d gone too far over the edge. I could’ve hit Kevin 13
right then . . taken a swing and just struck him in his flat 14
fucking nose and laid down a pounding until the blood 15
started to show. I let out a growl and meant to do it, but I 16
could see that he was ready for the same. It’s what he 17
wanted and I wasn’t gonna give him the satisfaction.

18

I looked over at Ryan and he looked away, pretending 19
to be distracted. Taylor was standing there with a smile 20
and looking stupid . . playing a game. With Will, it 21
was like he wasn’t even there and I felt like he wanted it 22
that way.

23

“Let him go,” Taylor was telling Kevin. “If he’s gonna s24
be a dick all night, why have him around?” It wasn’t 25

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1
worth answering anything to Taylor’s joining in. But 2

Kevin? I wasn’t gonna take his shit like a little child that’s 3
been kicked and taken down.

4

“You’re a fucking animal,” I told him. He didn’t 5
respond, just gave me that smug-ass look to let me know 6
he’d won. I was on uneven legs and growing weaker by 7
the second. Too many drugs and too much tension and 8
everything goes to shit. The whole runaround and the 9
rest was making me dizzy so that I wanted to just up and 10
puke it. But I swallowed it back down, bitter in the back 11
of my throat. I raised my thin hand and flashed Kevin the 12
finger, saying, “A fucking, decaying animal and I can’t 13
stand the stink of you anymore.”

14

I should’ve run then . . should’ve made a valiant exit, 15
leaving it on a good insult. But my feet were failing and 16
would not respond. The scraps between us had never 17
gotten this far and I guess part of me was wanting to see 18

Kevin react. I wanted to know for sure if he really had it 19
in him.

20

When he did finally speak, he was screaming to be 21
heard over the blaring beats of synthetic drums. No calm 22
in him. No attempt to disguise his desire to tear me apart.

23

“I’m the animal? Huh? I am?”

24s

I didn’t utter a sound. I was too exhausted to battle 25
any longer. I stood with my head wavering, waiting for

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the attack to come . . wondering how far Kevin was will-1
ing to go over this nonsense . . debating what the limits 2
might be because I no longer had any idea.

3

“Am I the one?” Kevin went on. “Am I the one who 4
jerked off in the school bathroom? Am I the one who 5
pissed my bed and laughed about it? Huh? Do I lie about 6
all the girls I’ve slept with because I’m the only one 7
who’s still a virgin? Huh? You’re a fucking predator! You 8
should get your mom to take you back to the psycho doc-9
tor again! You’re the fucking degenerate animal!”

10

They were all looking at me now, waiting to see what 11

I would do. I felt the demons clawing away at my chest, 12
ripping at sections of bone and blood and flesh . . trusted 13
secrets torn from me and thrown back in messy clumps.

14

I was stunned, betrayed, and stained. Christ, let the uni-15
verse end.

16

My eyes were red and burning. All those stories, every 17
one, Kevin had respected when I’d told him. Now he 18
turned them all around . . reducing whole adventures 19
into single sentences . . confessing things for me that I 20
didn’t want to confess. Knowing my fear of insanity and 21
reinforcing it tenfold.

22

There was a madness gaining ground inside of me 23
and a tightness in my jaw. I averted my eyes from Kevin, s24
wondering if it was forever.

25

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1

As calmly as I was capable of doing, I pulled Will 2
aside. I told him I had to go. I had to get out of there. I 3
needed him to understand. I needed for him to let me 4
know I wasn’t going absolutely crazy. But most of all, I 5
needed him to speak up . . to say something in my 6
defense.

7

Will just stood there, dull and mute. And when he 8
nodded blankly, I almost cried. It wasn’t what I needed 9
from him then. Was he at all aware of what the hell was 10
going on? Was he ever? The attack had been leveled 11
against me and I had called in the backup, but he was a 12
no-show. He kept up with the nod like some junky priest, 13
incapable of verbal communication. He could’ve been 14
nodding at anything . . at me, at Kevin, or at the flashing 15
lights that were pulling me toward insanity.

16

The paranoia filtered in from all sides. Nothing was 17
working according to the script my mind had written.

18

The ceiling was slowly sinking in on me. People were 19
passing by in waves and I couldn’t concentrate on their 20
faces.

21

When I couldn’t deal any longer, I made swiftly for 22
the exit without turning back. For a moment I thought 23
they would come after me . . try to drag me kicking and 24s
screaming into the middle of all that confusion. But I 25
wasn’t sure they even cared anymore.

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As I was getting farther away, I heard Will saying, “Let 1
him go, he’ll be alright!” But he had spoken too late for 2
comfort.

3

Letting the cold night air rush against me, I tried hard 4
to believe him.

5

6

7

8

9

10

11

12

13

14

15

16

17

18

19

20

21

22

23
s24

25

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1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10

11

I COULD TASTE THE FROST IN THE EARLY winter air. The 12
release of each breath made the cold visible. It had taken 13
several blocks of extensive effort to be able to think again.

14

It had taken several slow blocks of one-foot-then-the-15
other procedure before all the faculties began to func-16
tion. And it had taken at least that long for me to register 17
the near-arctic wind in the air.

18

My hand was shaking as I held the cigarette between 19
my thumb and forefinger. I took a deep pull even though 20
my throat was hurting. I had smoked a lot more than nor-21
mal during the last two days and I thought I could feel 22
the cancer taking root as I walked with the light of the 23
moon shining down upon me.

24s

In my rush to escape, I had left my coat at the club.

25

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1

My whole body was shivering in violent spasms from the 2
cold or from the withdrawal symptoms . . possibly from 3
the effect the fight left in me. I couldn’t be sure which.

4

Probably it was a combination of all three.

5

I was trying to digest the recent altercation . . playing 6
the images over again in my head. Maybe I should’ve 7
stayed and suffered through the wave of panic that had 8
passed over me. But the more I thought on it, the more I 9
was sure that I had done nothing wrong. No matter 10
which direction I examined it from, the fault fell on 11

Kevin. Fuck him, I thought. But with each step I felt an 12
awful separation.

13

I walked without destination, without even consider-14
ing where I was heading. I wasn’t going home, that was 15
for certain. I just walked farther and farther. The sound 16
of my shoes hitting the cement was soothing. I was too 17
afraid to stop. If I stopped moving then the steady sound 18
would disappear and the wealth of silence would drive 19
me insane.

20

Where was my fucking doll with white claws and the 21
milk she needs? Where were the clouds I could eat?

22

The water here was all polluted and brown. Where were 23
the children with blue skin? Where the fuck was my 24s
dream, because this was when I fucking well needed it!

25

Being alone was like being unreal. I had no one to

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bounce my thoughts off of. No relay of information to 1
counter a horrible case of introspection. It was a feeling 2
of needing friends around and not knowing if you still 3
had any. Without them, I wasn’t even sure I existed.

4

The constant clamoring of my shoes was all I had to reas-5
sure me.

6

7

8

9

I stood under a flickering streetlight, admiring its pre-10
cise timing. On then off. On then off. In the moments 11
between, I was able to disappear. That is the sensation I 12
thought of when I thought about the bright side of sui-13
cide. It must be like turning off what you didn’t want to 14
see anymore. And at that moment, it was myself that I 15
didn’t want to see anymore. Myself and the ridiculous 16
costume it was dressed in.

17

Each time the electric fuse clicked, I had to squint.

18

The light would strike the fabric of my shirt and sting my 19
tired eyes. My hit was showing hardly any sign of fading.

20

It was always that way whenever I wanted it to end.

21

I kept my eyes on my stomach as the shirt stretched 22
against it. There was a bloating inside, like I was preg-23
nant with a baby growing, only the baby was swimming s24
in flames instead of amniotic fluids. Every time the light 25

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1
would return from absence, I half expected to see signs of 2
growing rounder in the belly until I’d give birth by retch-3
ing fire from my mouth. I wanted to rip off the thin shirt 4

I was wearing and poke around to make it come faster. I 5
wanted that horrible thing out of me.

6

I buckled over onto the concrete, the thick pink con-7
tents leaking from my stomach in heaves. The yellow 8
lenses of my glasses cracked as they hit the ground. I 9
watched as the tiny fragments came to rest in the con-10
tents of my vomit. I wiped my chin with the back of my 11
hand.

12

Sitting there under that off-and-on-again light, staring 13
into my own intestinal liquid, was about the first time I 14
ever remembered feeling cold. I mean the kind of cold 15
that dissolves the bones and reaches into the soul. I sat 16
there, hands tucking my knees into my chest and drown-17
ing in the cold. I wondered to myself about when it had 18
happened. When did I start growing old? When did life 19
start being something you had to work at and not some-20
thing that just is?

21

Things were falling apart all around . . the buildings 22
with their fractured ceilings and the sidewalk with its 23
uneven pavement . . broken bottles and the fragments 24s
they left behind . . personalities that I used to know and 25

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own. It seemed like the entire city was fashioned after a 1
disposable dream and I was cursed with awareness.

2

I tried to stop my mind from thinking, but it wouldn’t 3
respond to my commands. The acid had me stuck on the 4
bad side. I looked up at the vacant windows staring back 5
at me and wished it all would end. Wished I could fall 6
asleep and not wake up again.

7

I felt the wind kick in and turned away. I felt the 8
crying creep in. But I held onto it, held the sour tears 9
tucked inside like my knees were tucked under my chin.

10

I had already given enough of myself to those unforgiv-11
ing streets and I’d be damned if I was gonna give any-12
thing more.

13

I sniffed it all back up like a little girl with a scraped 14
elbow who’s trying to be brave. I hadn’t heard the 15
approaching footsteps until they were right on top of me.

16

I hoped it would be Will or someone else I knew because 17
even though I couldn’t be near anyone, I didn’t quite 18
want to be alone either.

19

I looked up and turned my face to the corner where 20
the noise was coming from. My vision was bleary, either 21
from the acid or from the tears that maybe I’d only imag-22
ined that I’d held back. I wiped my eyes and when my 23
sight didn’t improve any, I knew the acid was the culprit.

s24

25

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1

The street was bathed in an orange haze like a thick, 2
gaseous fog had rolled in from Outer Space. I couldn’t 3
penetrate it fully, but I could see enough to know that it 4
wasn’t Will who was coming my way. It was a stranger.

5

Tall with a long-legged stride that seemed out of propor-6
tion with the world around.

7

He must have seen me ’cause he stopped a good ten 8
feet away. I felt his watching eyes rest their sight on me.

9

It burned with an invading quality. “Mind your own 10
fuckin’ business!” I wanted to yell, but he was much big-11
ger than me and I was in no state to defend myself.

12

It scared me the way that man stood there because in 13
the city you learn to be scared of every man that is unfa-14
miliar and takes an interest in you. My stomach was 15
turning over in a nervous sort of way. I released the tight 16
grip I had on my legs and let them stretch out in front of 17
me. Then I stood, very slowly, because the sickness 18
wasn’t gone yet.

19

I started walking real calm-like. I couldn’t let that 20
man know I was worried, couldn’t let him know I was 21
under the influence because they’re both invitations for 22
assault, both signs to let him know I was free for the tak-23
ing. So I started walking like nothing was wrong. Only it 24s
was hard because I heard those other steps fall in behind.

25

I had a plan brewing. I’d walk at an even pace to the

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end of the block then take off running in whatever direc-1
tion was nearest. I could see the shadow moving in. I 2
didn’t think I could make it to the corner but I did. I 3
increased the rate of my legs to superhuman speed, run-4
ning until I couldn’t feel my feet touching pavement 5
anymore.

6

I wasn’t at all surprised when I heard the quickening 7
of steps trailing behind me. It made me push harder 8
until I felt the ache of fire throughout the skeleton of my 9
body. I knew if I could outrun him then I’d win.

10

The old man ran out of steam quick. He must have 11
been a junkie-mugger looking for a fix, else he would 12
have lasted longer. He gave chase only for about two 13
blocks or so before giving up. I wasn’t worth it, I guess.

14

He’d move on to other prey that would be less deter-15
mined to escape.

16

17

18

19

Even after I was safe, I couldn’t stop running. My legs 20
were stuck in their reflex motion and my racing brain 21
was unable to pull them out of it. I kept thinking of dif-22
ferent nightmares of pain and how much I hated people 23
for being so revolting.

s24

It wasn’t like I was afraid that guy would shoot me or 25

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1
kill me. No, Philly isn’t the kind of city where you’d get 2
murdered. It’s more of the old-fashioned kind of thug 3
mentality. I was more likely to get stabbed, or jumped 4
with baseball bats, or sold for money so some sick fiend 5
could get his high. And it was thoughts of this kind that 6
kept me running. It’s thoughts like these that can keep 7
you running your whole life if you don’t say fuck it and 8
get on with living.

9

It wasn’t until I found myself in the old warehouse 10
district over by Spring Garden that I finally paused to 11
catch my wind. I freed a much needed cigarette from my 12
depleted pack and lit it. I saw an ease of mind in the 13
glowing at the tip. And as it burned down I tried to forget 14
why I had sprinted there to begin with.

15

Standing in that empty part of town, I had the feeling 16
that I had died once that night. My vision cut through 17
the walls of brick, the cement, and the nonsense. I 18
looked closely at the rusted hinges that held weathered 19
doors together by the splinters. I examined the rooftops 20
as the sky came to lay its weight upon them. From left to 21
right, I swept the expanse of ruins . . factories now fit 22
only for ghosts to make their homes in.

23

I stood perfectly still, admiring the symmetry of ero-24s
sion and realized how fleeting life could be sometimes.

25

The old, sad music was cueing up in my head . . the kind

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of tune an orchestra plays when the princess of the ballet 1
has died. But it wasn’t a princess that died, it was my own 2
sense of purpose. I was wandering around like a peasant 3
on the very same streets I usually strolled with an attitude 4
like I was the king of ’em. But the guy I was the day 5
before wasn’t there with me and I was struggling to 6
breathe at the realization.

7

I wanted someone to come along and hold me. Not 8
like the way a dirty bum trying to touch on me would, 9
but the way a mother holds her small child. I wanted 10
some gentle woman to take me to her breast the way this 11
woman did in a Steinbeck novel I had read. I wanted to 12
be nursed back into the years when nothing but imagi-13
nary monsters terrified me. But there weren’t no one 14
going to walk by. It was just a futile wish like the ones I’d 15
had as a kid, always wishing that I would grow up to be 16
a medieval wizard or a knight riding off to slay loathsome 17
dragons.

18

I don’t know when I stopped hoping for dreams to 19
come true, but I did. Hope just goes the way of the drug 20
during the coming down, leaving me dry and tired. The 21
idea of pretending no longer appealed to me.

22

The internal monologue was running in my head and 23

I had trouble following it. I had no control over what it s24
said. If I couldn’t shut it off, then I thought all it said 25

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1
would be true, like it wasn’t me talking but rather some 2
dictator of fate. It was like a word virus and I had no cure 3
for it. It spouted out all my insecurities and laid them 4
bare. It told me that I would die crazy and there wasn’t 5
no religion gonna save me.

6

I let my back lean against the brick wall, soaking in all 7
the pollution that littered the area around me. I looked 8
over at a sprinkler attachment that was leaking into a 9
puddle on the sidewalk. Drip, drip, drop. Drip, drip, 10
drop. I let the pattern regulate my thoughts. I let the 11
freezing wind remove away all feeling. Then, ever so 12
quiet, I started to sing . . allowing the years to slip off like 13
so much dirt that needed washing. And the sound of my 14
voice and the childish song it sang made me smile for the 15
first time in hours as I listened.

16

“London Bridge is falling down, 17
falling down, falling down.

18

London Bridge is falling down, my fair lady.”

19

20

21

22

23

24s

25

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1

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3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10

11

THEY SAY IN THE MEDICAL JOURNALS that if a person drops 12
acid more than three times in his life then he’s legally 13
insane. Well, I had passed that point a long time ago, and 14
the voices in my head seemed to confirm the myth. But 15
if it was true and I was insane, I was gonna enjoy it. I 16
wasn’t gonna be one of those crazies that hid away in the 17
cellar afraid of everything. Hell, I was gonna shove it in 18
the world’s face and make them smell it.

19

I took up walking in those near-dawn hours with just 20
a little taken off my usual swagger. I made my way up 21

Market Street, passing glances into the store windows to 22
make sure I still had a reflection. And each time I saw it, 23

I ended up giving myself the finger.

24s

Then I’d laugh because it was funny. It was funny 25

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1
how I’d thought my mission in life was to offend 2
everybody on some level, just to make them think. I 3
mean to really think hard about their own sorry lives. But 4
when I saw my polyester-clad, puke-stained self prancing 5
by in the fancy glass, I realized I’d never thought about 6
my own sorry life.

7

I used to think that I could pass through life in a fan-8
tasy, that if I did enough drugs and dreamed hard 9
enough then I could leave this hellish world on a per-10
manent psychedelic holiday. I could become a piper 11
with a patchwork jacket made of tweed, piping a flute 12
through the fields of wheat in some Kansas of my mind’s 13
invention. All the buildings, the advertisements trying to 14
sell me things, they would all drop away and I’d be free.

15

But the reality of it was that I was stuck right here 16
whether I liked it or not.

17

This plastic culture abounds. It keeps everything 18
sealed neatly inside for sterility’s sake. There was no 19
escape. No breaking through the barrier to the other side 20
where people danced in a pastel haze. I had been striv-21
ing for that fairy tale, but it was all bullshit and illusion.

22

The whole routine was worn out and tired.

23

I wiped away the fever with the back of my hand. I felt 24s
like a fool who watches the world spin around in orbit. I 25

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thought I was so fucking clever all the time, always so 1
creative, so spontaneous. But what the hell was I really 2
doing? Now, I was beginning to understand it. The world 3
wasn’t going to dissolve and leave me alone in a coloring 4
book setting. And if I couldn’t flee it, the least I could do 5
was fight against it.

6

I tried to spit on the rare cars that would come my 7
way. I even walked in front of this one beat-up old junker 8
to force it to stop. The young woman behind the wheel 9
went half out of her mind at the sight of me. I must have 10
looked deranged and crazy. It was stupid but I couldn’t 11
stop. I raised my arms over my head with wrists bent 12
slightly. My eyes bugged out of my head and I screamed 13
straight into her window, straight into her bloodshot 14
eyes. I didn’t scream any words or nothing. I just 15
screamed noise like a territorial bird warning intruders. I 16
starting pounding my fists on the hood of her car and let 17
loose in that manner. My lack of all control frightened 18
me. The woman shifted into reverse but I hung on, still 19
howling at the top of my lungs. As she swerved to go 20
around, I spit and spit into the windshield blocking her 21
face.

22

As the auto pulled away, revving its rusted engine, I 23
frantically looked for a bottle or something to throw its s24

25

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1
way. “FUCK YOU!” I screamed until the car was out of 2
reach, until my voice traveled its way into the ears of 3
good old Billy Penn way atop City Hall.

4

If the guys could’ve seen me then in the middle of my 5
psychotic episode, they would’ve laughed, laughing 6
until they fell flat on their asses. But for once it wasn’t for 7
their sake that I did it. I did it because that’s how I felt. I 8
wanted to send the whole miserable world to hell and I 9
needed to show it. I wanted to prove to the world that it 10
was mine and that I still owned it. I wanted most of all, 11
though, to prove it to myself because I no longer felt it.

12

13

14

15

I was walking with a fucking hop in my step because 16
it was freezing. With the acid in remission I had lost the 17
little protection from the cold that I had. And even 18
though the day was coming, it wasn’t warming up none.

19

The old, rich ladies were out with the rise of the sun.

20

Wearing their fur coats and walking their wimpy dogs 21
and averting their eyes from me as I came up the block 22
approaching.

23

I looked like something out of a worn-out commer-24s
cial, like the cameras had stopped rolling but I just kept 25
with the part I was playing. I saw this one elderly couple

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leaving their upper-class apartment building and it made 1
me think about everything I was sure that I would never 2
have. I would never get that place with a view or a 3
woman who I could grow old with.

4

As they got nearer, I dipped into the cover of the bus 5
stop to take a piss. Hell, if it was alright for the dogs, then 6
it was alright for me. I hoped that the old couple would 7
see the stream or at least hear the whistle of it as it hit the 8
street. I wanted them to realize what they had. To let 9
them know it was a great thing to find happiness among 10
so much filth.

11

I looked back to see them shaking their heads, and I 12
smiled and said good morning. Fuck ’em. If they 13
couldn’t get the message then they weren’t worth the 14
effort.

15

I was still gonna lead the rats from this fucking town 16
no matter. Drop the flute! That season is over. I would 17
scream, high-pitched and dramatic, if that’s what it 18
would take. Take them out with piss! Take them out with 19
rude gestures and a fucking bloody fist! Didn’t matter by 20
whatever. I’d be the piper if I was ever gonna be shit.

21

Watch them flee in flocks by way of airlines and foreign 22
cars and other means of transportation. I could march 23
the broad streets with a fucking skip and leave the dust to s24
drift behind me. Make this shit town fit for blue people 25

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1
and clouds that I could eat. Made fit for princes with 2
dirty cheeks and dressed in rags. Made fit for animals that 3
scurry and mice that sing. I’d make this world fit for my 4
dream if it wasn’t going to come to me.

5

I got to thinking that no one in this lousy city was 6
worth the cost of all their possessions. None of them 7
knew what it meant to be part of the living. Drive the 8
whole fucking lot of ’em out and live in peace! Live 9
alone among all this shit.

10

That’s when I started to think on the dying again. It 11
would be so easy and so pleasing. I would just let the 12
winter wash over me and bring me into the place where 13
there were no more thoughts to trouble me. The last 14
great escape. I was done gambling, done betting on a 15
ship that would never come in. I would cash in my chips 16
while I was ahead. I didn’t want to suffer the growing old, 17
didn’t want to wait until my memory went. It was all so 18
tiresome. I would just go out in a blaze of glory before 19
the parasites of sadness got at me and made me bitter.

20

After all, that’s the American way: take your own life 21
before everything else takes it from you.

22

23

24s

25

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1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10

11

I WANDERED ON IN AIMLESS STRIDE. Looking for the doll 12
with white claws. Looking for the underpass to heaven.

13

Looking for some fucking sign that I was still living.

14

I found myself walking west . . the way of the dead.

15

Counting the streets increasing in number. That’s how 16

Philly’s laid out. The streets don’t count up, they count 17
further toward death.

18

Black smoke slugged out from the exhausts as the cars 19
rolled through the intersections and out of my sight. The 20
sun was shining and it was an awful day. I needed an 21
angel. I needed a fix of stimulants. I needed warmth and 22
the dull glow of TV. I needed sleep. I needed to be 23
awake. I needed the smell of green grass and dirt. I 24s
needed seashells. I needed coffee and a fucking newspa-25

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1
per. I needed gasoline. And we all need oil. I needed a 2
fucking haircut because it was clouding my vision. I 3
needed something because I could feel my stomach start 4
aching.

5

I wanted wings. I wanted cigarettes and nobility. A 6
double-breasted suit with the elegance of a torn wedding 7
dress. I wanted a change of scenery and a backdrop of 8
theatrical set pieces. I wanted communism for the upper 9
classes. I wanted to be the life of every party. I wanted 10
only to be anonymous in a big city. I didn’t care much for 11
luxury. Christ! Why does everything require thinking?

12

I could feel the ghosts in my spine. Kicking and whin-13
ing. I couldn’t keep it up much longer. Had to be some-14
where. Had to do something. It was all getting too 15
depressing. Had to take things back to the beginning.

16

I headed to the park and toward the promise of recov-17
ery. Had to detox. It was the only place to be on a 18

Saturday in autumn after you’ve been beaten by a strong 19
dosage. I had to clear my head of the shit that was filter-20
ing in. Had to shake the ghosts from pulling me under.

21

The risk of drowning being very much present.

22

Onward to the square! To the park! The place of rev-23
olutions and uprisings and general discontent. From 24s
there, I could set things right. Snipe out the rats with 25
positive energy and such. I just had to find some first.

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Absorb it from the flowers and the trees and grow strong 1
by association. Breathe it in. Steal it from children. Steal 2
it from the wind. Steal it from wherever, but just get it 3
inside me.

4

When I got closer, I realized I was still looking for the 5
dream. Still reaching for the things that weren’t going to 6
happen. The demons were laughing in my head and 7
clawing at my chest and they were winning. I didn’t 8
know what was real anymore or what was imaginary.

9

Drifting with the waves. I didn’t know the snakes from 10
the birds. I didn’t even know myself from the rest of the 11
world.

12

13

14

15

Once I got to Rittenhouse Park, I went and sat on the 16
same bench I had sat on two nights before when search-17
ing for the instant of purity that comes with the last rays 18
of the sun’s reign. Thinking back on it, it all seemed like 19
so much glamorized bullshit. Just another foolish 20
romantic notion like thinking that one person could 21
change the world just by treating life a certain way.

22

I sat there shivering through the dawning hours, 23
watching as early-to-rise families made their way into the s24
park for a stroll in those four square blocks of nature. I 25

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1
hated how the little children would look and see the 2
longing on my face. I hated even more the way my 3
bedraggled sight frightened them away. All I needed was 4
for one of them to come up and ask me in those tiny 5
voices of theirs if I wanted to play. I would’ve jumped at 6
the chance, too.

7

I waited, but it didn’t happen and I felt like my heart 8
had been broken. The ache was there in my womb again.

9

Everything circling back around to boredom and empti-10
ness again. Even the leaves were stale and unchanging.

11

Everything stable. Everything normal. Just as fucking 12
tedious as it ever was.

13

Swallowing was hard because I couldn’t bring up any 14
of the spit. Morning was coming on like a bad memory.

15

It was the belly of the sun that rose, bright and magnify-16
ing, but there were still only stars that shone in my head.

17

It was exactly the kind of mythic emotion Will would 18
understand.

19

I swung around, looking and expecting to see him 20
perched dimly beside me. But it was only the wind that 21
blew up and covered the bench . . only a barren patch of 22
the cityscape. The shivers ran deep through all the chan-23
nels. I was past expiration . . the drugs passed through 24s
the body in phases of the veins. I turned my attention to 25

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the gravel and the squirrels and the things within my 1
vision.

2

A little boy was being hurried along by his mother 3
who was in some sort of adult rush. He stomped and 4
pouted and pulled to hold her back so he could go at his 5
own exploratory pace. The toddler’s protest made me 6
smile because there was no way he could’ve won. In a fit, 7
the boy discarded a stuffed animal he was carrying.

8

When I shouted to get the mother’s attention, she pur-9
posefully ignored me. Christ, you can’t even do a good 10
deed without being looked down upon. But for the tyke’s 11
sake I got off my ass and went to pick it up for him.

12

I took a winding diagonal route and got there too late.

13

The mom had pulled her son too far away from me and 14

I didn’t have the energy to shout. I bent down and 15
reached for the toy, anyway. It was a cuddly kind of bear 16
with a round nose that served no purpose. I looked into 17
its fixed expression and felt the old, sad feeling welling 18
up again. I clutched it to me . . cradled it like some gift 19
from the past.

20

I sat right there on the hard ground, holding that tod-21
dler toy like a treasure uncovered from the bottom of the 22
sea. That bear stared up at me like a relic from my own 23
childhood days, trying to communicate. I had hoped it s24

25

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1
was telling me that those days weren’t gone forever, they 2
were just lost somewhere in all the growing. But when I 3
really listened, I knew that wasn’t what the bear was say-4
ing. It was simply saying good-bye.

5

Nevertheless, I kept the bear in my possession even if 6
it did depress me. I took it back with me to my perch on 7
the city bench. It carried with it the sour smell of an 8
infant who had vanished and would never come back to 9
claim it.

10

The poor bear had died then. The boy had made it all 11
that it was. I mean, hell, it lived inside his little head.

12

Now that he had gone, the bear was nothing. Stiff and 13
without a personality. Even a fucking teddy bear needs 14
his friends to live off of. Like everyone else, he’s only 15
made up of the people around him.

16

I decided to give it a proper funeral with all the pomp 17
and ceremony it deserved. Pink streamers and the low 18
tune of trumpets playing and all that. I thought I might 19
even cry when I scooped dirt over him, but I couldn’t be 20
sure if I had any tears left in me.

21

Before I got around to all that though, I wanted to 22
take a nap. I was tired, tired like the trees that sagged 23
with the sway of the breeze. I tucked the little bear under 24s
my arm to keep him from the cold that I was feeling. I 25

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put my head lightly against the flaking paint of the wood 1

I had been sitting on.

2

I had come here with a purpose, but I knew I was too 3
terrified to deal with it. I came here with the hopes of 4
finding my guardian angel. I couldn’t wait any longer for 5
her to find me. That’s the process, isn’t it? The angel 6
comes to those in need? Well, none ever came to me, so 7

I was going to bring it on myself to claim my own.

8

I came here because this is where she goes to get away 9
from the grime and the clutter. This is where she comes 10
to “get a little green in my life.” And I needed to see her.

11

I wanted Melissa to see me like this . . to see who I was 12
falling into becoming. I came wishing she would be 13
here . . fucking well knew she would be here. But it 14
should’ve been before now. She should’ve been here 15
before now! My head was telling me to go look . . to 16
move my ass and go see her. But I was so tired. I needed 17
some rest. I needed the brief comfort of unconscious-18
ness.

19

20

21

22

23
s24

25

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1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10

11

I STUMBLED OUT OF SLEEP like a zombie all jacked up on 12
hallucinogens. Caught in between stages and such. I felt 13
distant from myself and from the lost hours of the night.

14

Bruised and shattered, waiting for all the king’s horses 15
and all the armored soldiers to glue the fragments into 16
place. I felt like a phantom, like I had only watched from 17
a distance as things had happened. I needed something 18
concrete to bring me back, to put me together.

19

Two days ago, I was somebody. At least I was imper-20
sonating somebody. But a bad trip and one forgets all 21
that. A strange combination, toxin and truth serum.

22

Poison and medicine. Like that ancient kid . . flying 23
level with the sun only to be burned and drowned 24s
because of it. But the game wasn’t over, I knew that 25

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1
much. I could still fucking win. Still had one more life 2
and one more quarter for the arcade.

3

I had the shoulders slumped over . . had the walk of a 4
stylized junkie from some old novel . . had the hair all 5
blown wild. Loitering first class and taking in the 6
glances. Here I am! Here I am! You can’t catch me!

7

Then I stopped, left in an awkward stance. She was 8
narcotic. I saw her walking . . steps like a child actress . .

9
a born star and the toss of her hair like 70s television, 10
done with flair for flair’s sake . . apparently unconcerned 11
with thoughts outside her head. If Melissa was an angel, 12
then I certainly was the messenger cast from warmer cli-13
mates.

14

The way she moved you could tell she was in touch 15
with the pace of the world. Hip to all its twists and angles 16
and way fucking superior to them. She had it all figured 17
out, while I sifted through the muck for anything to grasp 18
onto.

19

I went toward her. I’d meet her halfway. I’d make the 20
move . . make the effort . . try for some connection. I was 21
fragile. I stood in her path in sacrifice. I needed her calm 22
reality. Her acceptance of me.

23

She walked with the sun to her back, casting a long 24s
shadow and putting me in the horrid spotlight. She crept 25
closer, not noticing me. Reducing the distance between

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us and growing larger. When my sore eyes adjusted to 1
the glare of the day’s brightness, they came to settle upon 2
green eyes and my own shaggy reflection.

3

“Jesus Christ, Brendon! What the hell happened to 4
you? Are you alright?”

5

I tried hard to speak, but it was like I was trapped in air 6
that’s thin and tough to breathe in.

7

Taking me by the waist, Melissa led me over to the 8
grass and sat me down. I felt the bundle of clothing 9
sweep over me as she covered me with the feminine 10
scent and sealed-in warmth of her coat. The motion of 11
the hand that moved through my hair was like the touch 12
of a spirit drawing me ashore after a long sailing on the 13
sea of crazy.

14

Lying down, I stared into her eyes for a long time. It 15
felt like days and nights passed with me just sitting there.

16

No exchange of words. No intrusion of sound. Nothing 17
happening in terms of action, but it wasn’t boring. There 18
was something magical in it for me. I couldn’t explain 19
what. I didn’t want to explain. Didn’t want to lose touch 20
with these feelings. All the concern in her, all the pity, it 21
succeeded in doing what nothing else that night had. It 22
brought the tears into my eyes where they found the grip 23
wasn’t so tight anymore.

s24

Reaching up, I took her free hand into both of mine.

25

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1

It was warm and stung my own. The expression on her 2
face remained calm. Her cheeks were glowing like a 3
child’s and her eyes were like glass in the sun. I near 4
melted away and my weakness wasn’t stemming from her 5
beauty but from her compassion.

6

“You’re such a little boy,” she said. The first person to 7
smile at me the whole day. And she was right. I had the 8
old kindergarten instincts again . . holding hands with a 9
girl during the Pledge of Allegiance while the teacher 10
smiled because she knew there was something good and 11

American in all that. That’s the way Melissa could make 12
me feel. There’s something so real, so natural, so god-13
damn free about it that’s so beyond articulation. That’s 14
her secret. That’s what made her unlike anyone I had 15
ever met.

16

I looked deep into her eyes and sobbed out the whole 17
sorry story from start to finish. And Melissa listened. She 18
listened to me ramble on even though she was freezing 19
because her coat was covering my stiff, frozen body. I 20
told her how I had spent the night in some horrible 21
nightmare, only it had been real enough for me to get 22
sick in. I explained the way my mind drifted once the 23
acid mixed in. How I was different from what she might 24s
imagine me to be . . from what I had imagined myself to 25
be. I told her about the toy she found me holding and

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what it meant to be abandoned by all your friends. And 1
when I was done, those eyes didn’t scorn me as I had 2
expected. None of the “what the hell were you think-3
ing” . . the “playing with fire’s gonna burn you” business.

4

None of the horror or the shock. None of the policeman 5
questioning. Her eyes were clear and hid nothing. They 6
passed no judgment. They only grew more charitable 7
and lovely.

8

I took a long look at myself and felt embarrassed. My 9
hands and clothes stunk of nicotine and vomit. There 10
was a long moment of silence in which only the nearby 11
dogs were talking. “What the hell am I doing?” I finally 12
asked her.

13

She didn’t have an easy answer and neither did I.

14

Lifting my head from her lap, I sat up and she put her 15
arms around me while she thought. Her gaze wandered 16
from place to place and back again in search of words 17
that were worth saying. I could sense her passing over 18
cautions and warning because that’s not her style. She 19
didn’t presume the right to tell other people the way to 20
live. She was above that sort of behavior even if she did 21
tend to know the better of two choices.

22

After a pause, her voice came through clear and 23
steady. She started off with a once-upon-a-time tale s24
about a boy who put on like he had it all . . who saun-25

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1
tered the streets and came off like a right bastard to 2
strangers and to himself. But the boy inside wasn’t mud 3
and shit and all things crazy as far as she could see. Sure 4
some of that was there because it always is, but it’s one 5
and the same with the good. And when she finished, it 6
was poetry and eloquence and pretty things I needed to 7
hear.

8

She talked me down . . nullifying my fears and my 9
doubts. Letting me see how stupid I was . . how carried 10
away I’d gotten as tends to happen when the highs and 11
the drugs exceed pleasure and become motivations . .

12
bring you to the extremes of fun and leave you down and 13
bored and disinterested in the things that suck. But I 14
guess you gotta be part of some of the things that suck if 15
you are going to ever enjoy the highs again.

16

I had listened the whole time to every word. It felt like 17
there’d been a wound rotting in my chest, exposing weak 18
bones and empty space. Now it was healing up . . slowly 19
and evenly and with expert care. Better than drugs that 20
don’t work in the long run.

21

“It’s only living,” she said to me. I took a deep breath, 22
tasting the scent of trees and cars, studying on the things 23

Melissa had said. I was feeling good, a bit like my old self 24s
again.

25

“It’s only living,” I repeated softly as I smiled.

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“Yep! And you look all the worse for it,” she told me.

1

I stole another glance at the shabby figure I cut and 2
started to laugh. Sniffing from the cold I’d recently 3
caught, I said, “I guess you’re right. I do kinda look like 4
something someone stepped in, don’t I?”

5

Then I added, “But in a cute way, right?” because I 6
thought she was just a little too eager to agree. After giv-7
ing me a once-over, she said that she guessed it was kinda 8
cute, but only because my shirt was made of polyester.

9

We were both laughing and lightening the mood.

10

Then Melissa asked me if I wanted to go to her place and 11
she would make me some soup. She lived right around 12
there, it wasn’t that far to walk. Fucking soup! I just sat 13
there shaking my head. I really got a kick out of life 14
sometimes, the way it threw you a curve, low and away, 15
when you were looking for that fastball to belt you in 16
head.

17

I didn’t go with her. I didn’t want to end up messing 18
with a dream that seemed too good to be true. Why force 19
it? Maybe it was my old fears again, but I didn’t think so.

20

I was just too wasted to remain coherent. Melissa and I 21
had spent the most perfect moment together, and I 22
didn’t want her impression to change by having me pass 23
out in a bowl of chicken noodle.

s24

“Okay then, but you should at least go home, 25

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1

Brendon.” I told her I would and she offered to escort 2
me. I said she had done enough just by saving my life 3
and I didn’t want to trouble her. I said I would take a taxi 4
so she wouldn’t have my death on her conscience.

5

That made her smile, and her smile made me happy 6
for the first time in what felt like years. Then I started 7
laughing, I mean really kicking back having a blast of it.

8

It was funny how I could barely bring myself to say hello 9
to this girl in the many months I’d had a crush on her, 10
but once I was beaten down by the world, I was suddenly 11
able to bawl out my most private thoughts. Man, I 12
couldn’t believe the way life worked sometimes!

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I wanted to tell her I loved her, and for the first time 14
in my life I knew that it wasn’t only my imagination. I 15
really did love her. But I held back, again not wanting to 16
spoil the moment. Instead, I looked at the wave of her 17
strawberry hair that hung along the sides of her triangu-18
lar face. I studied the shape of her mouth and every line 19
her body made silhouetted against the crumbling city in 20
the background, never wanting to forget it. And in my 21
head, I had already memorized every soul-saving word 22
she’d said to me.

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I opened my mouth to speak but had trouble finding 24s
the words. Melissa encouraged them with her warm 25
smile. I stumbled in a stutter. “I . . I,” I said, trying des-

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perately to recover. “Melissa,” I finally got out, “thank 1
you. Thanks for everything. I mean it.”

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She reached out and held my hand. “You did the 3
same for me once. Brendon, you’re really sweet, better 4
than most. I couldn’t let you lose that. I’d be losing some-5
one special,” she said and that was all she needed to say.

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When she got up to leave, I gave her back her coat. I 7
watched as her legs strode away and I almost rushed to 8
catch up with them. But as I was about to stand and fol-9
low, Melissa turned back and waved. It was so sincere, so 10
final, that I needed nothing more. I let her go . . my eyes 11
tracing the path of every step as she went.

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AS I LEFT THE PARK THAT SATURDAY, I felt like I had been 12
born a second time. I no longer looked at all the people 13
with disdain. It wasn’t that I had become some lover of 14
the human race overnight or anything. It was just that I 15
now knew that they didn’t matter. All that counted was 16
the way I saw myself, not the way others saw it for me.

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I took the last cigarette from my pack and smoked it. I 18
walked those rundown streets with renewed purpose . .

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with a little teddy bear poking out from my breast shirt 20
pocket. My turn to play the savior. I was gonna bring that 21
little guy back to life along with me.

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I was feeling good, like there were acoustic instru-23
ments and symphonies playing for only me to listen 24s
to. High volume. Fucking great stereophonics and the 25

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drummers were hitting the right rhythm. Notes painting 2
canvasses in my head with colors I’d never envisioned 3
before.

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I found that the fields of Kansas exist among the 5

Philly concrete. And I felt completely free for the first 6
time in my life. And I remembered thinking that it was 7
true what they said, you had to go through hell to get to 8
the other side where it’s greener.

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I thought I might go over to Ryan’s and wake up 10
everyone to see if they wanted to get something to eat.

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Then I decided against it. I’d see them all soon enough, 12
but later. I didn’t need company. I didn’t need to play my 13
bit for them right now. Eventually, but not until I let all 14
the sickness blow over. Which it would. Hell, Kevin 15
might even stop by tonight with a peace offering and 16
fuck it, I would hang in the park with him. Brothers are 17
like that. But for the moment, there was pleasure to be 18
found in my own company. There had been enough 19
doubt and worrying there, it was time to look in at the 20
good.

21

Maybe I would get on a bus and head out of town. I 22
could use a break from the city . . the closed walls and 23
closed sky. Land stretched out for miles, no need to be 24s
confined. It was wide open. Might always be. But why 25
chance it? Go when you felt it, that’s my attitude.

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Maybe I’d go out to the country and go fishing. Dip 1
my ankles in the stream and let the sun borrow color 2
from my polyester. Hike through the woods like a boy 3
pretending he’s Tom Sawyer or Huck Finn or William 4

Shatner. Maybe smoke a joint and get in touch with 5
nature. Maybe stay sober and then see where I could 6
find excitement. And then, when I got back, I might ring 7

Melissa and see if she wanted to go on a picnic.

8

Wherever I was going, I decided to go by foot. I would 9
be careless. I would fast. Or I’d eat if I fucking well felt 10
like it. Didn’t matter. Still doesn’t. I’d go north the way of 11

Santa Claus and falling stars. Head through the slums 12
and row homes and the dealers peddling crack and 13
penny dreams. The symphony still going strong in my 14
head. The pitter-patter of rats trailing behind me. And 15
me walking like I fucking knew I was the man.

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A B O U T T H E A U T H O R

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B R I A N J A M E S

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was born in 1976 and grew up outside Philadelphia. He 9
currently lives, works, and wastes his days in New York 10

City. He eagerly awaits the day Rock Stars take over the 11
world. For better or worse.

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Cal’s got this thing about fire. It’s nothing big at first, just 1
lighting matches, watching them burn, enjoying the 2
calming effects of the flame. It helps him cope with life.

3

Then he meets Abby, and things start to get out of con-4
trol. He lets her get close, and she winds him up, playing 5
with him until he thinks he might lose his mind. Suddenly 6
the matches aren’t enough.

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So Cal comes up with another plan. A bigger plan.

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Nothing will ever touch him again. . . .

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KEROSENE

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13
by Chris Wooding

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the bedroom was empty, the sunlight of the late autumn 16
afternoon a pale wash across the crazy-paving pattern of the 17
duvet. A bookshelf stood next to the bed, cluttered with comics, graphic novels, markers, sable brushes, jars full of 18
dirty water, and other assorted odds and ends.

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The walls and ceiling were black, but they were painted 20
with a variety of bright cartoons, all following the same 21
motif: clocks. Grandfather clocks, alarm clocks (digital and 22
analog), watches, cuckoo clocks, and more. Some had 23
faces, some were melting in the style of Dalí, and some were blank, with no hands or numerals. Some smiled, some s24
leered, some had teeth, some winked. They floated in a 25

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starfield, and a few of them had been captured as they drifted behind another, giving the paintings a curious 2
three-dimensional perspective.

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On the wall above the bed hung a clay effigy of a tribal 4
wolf-mask, its flat snout snarling emptily. A wardrobe and a 5
chest of drawers leaned against the other wall, groaning 6
under the weight of the junk that had accumulated on top 7
of them. In the center of the room was a mobile of little 8
wooden baby angels painted brightly with cutesy faces beaming, or with their expressions scrunched up with the 9
effort of blowing their tiny horns. A poster of Larisa Oleynik 10
as Alex Mack was positioned in pride of place opposite the 11
window. A stereo system rested on the floor beside an 12
untidy stack of CDs.

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The room was silent.

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Then, dimly, there was the sound of a key rattling in a lock downstairs. The latch thudded back, and the front door 15
opened, whining on its hinges. There was a slam as it was 16
closed behind the newcomer, then the sound of footsteps 17
hurrying up the stairs. The door to the bedroom was flung 18
open, and a boy of about sixteen entered, ignoring the “BIO-19

HAZARD” warning sign on the outside. He threw the door 20
closed behind him and slumped down heavily on the edge of the red-and-white bedspread, his head in his hands, 21
breathing hard.

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It was a small, thin figure that sat there for a long while, 23
unmoving. His baggy jeans were scuffed and flecked with 24s
bright paint. He wore a heavy-knit black sweater that 25
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brown hair stuck out everywhere, an uncontrollable ragtag 1
mop.

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“SHIT!” he screamed suddenly, his voice sounding raw 3
and high. He sprang off his bed and kicked his chest of 4
drawers hard, sending rolled-up drawings and badges top-pling off the edge. Unsatisfied, he laid into it viciously, 5
planting the sole of his battered Converse on it again and 6
again. Next he turned his wrath on the blank face of his 7
wardrobe. He swung a punch into it, his fist driven by a des-8
perate need to hit something, anything, to vent the frustra-9
tion that seared through his veins.

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The pain brought him back to his senses. He near broke 11
his knuckles with that first punch, so just to spite himself he threw another one with the same hand. At the last moment, 12
he couldn’t help pulling the force out of it. His body was 13
instinctively trying to stop him from harming himself. But it 14
still connected, hard, and the blaze of agony that exploded 15
in his hand almost made him pass out.

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His good hand clamped around his wrist, he sat back 17
down on the bed, his teeth clenched while he fought back the urge to cry, ashamed of the tears that pricked at his eyes.

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The pain in his hand eventually began to subside; the tur-19
moil in his head did not.

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It had been one of those days. God, it was so humiliating.

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One of those days when he couldn’t look anyone in the eye, 22
when he had walked along the road to his house with his 23
attention fixed firmly on the ground in front of his feet, shuffling meekly along so as not to draw attention to himself.

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He had been doing alright all day. And then just on the 25

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last stretch, the walk home from the shops, it had all come crashing down on him. He had seen a tall guy with a 2
skinhead wearing tight black jeans and cherry-red Doc 3

Martens, walking along the other side of the road. Mildly 4
interested, he was looking over at him when the guy turned 5
round and met his eye. He had experienced a sudden, 6
unpleasant thrill at being caught staring, and turned his 7
eyes away.

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But a moment later, the skinhead had whistled at him, a short, sharp wheep through pursed lips. He looked back, 9
feeling a terrified nausea creep into his belly, and the skin-10
head had flicked him the finger, saying: “You wanna photo, 11
mate? Last longer.”

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He felt it sweep over him like a cloak. Hot blood 13
flushed into his cheeks, prickling heat across his face and 14
the nape of his neck. His throat tightened at the sides, his heart began to pound, he was sweating, he felt sick. He 15
turned away from the skinhead, looking down, wishing he 16
could disappear. The skinhead didn’t hassle him anymore.

17

But the damage was done.

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The remainder of the journey was a nightmare.

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Everyone on the street seemed to be looking at him. It was 20
as if his affliction marked him out, making everyone stare at him. Like some kind of freak. He was conscious of walking 21
fast, but he couldn’t help it. He had to get off the street, 22
away from the piercing glares of the passersby.

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When he had finally gained the safety of his house, self-24s
disgust had flooded through him. Why? Why so afraid?

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Afraid? No. Shy.

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He snorted, smiling bitterly. A sweet word. When peo-2
ple thought of shy, it was always kind of cute. Nice. Coy 3
girls in floral dresses, wide-eyed cartoon squirrels. Not a 4
crippling, awful sensation that made your tongue too thick to speak and locked up your brain. But that was what it 5
meant to him. And it unmanned him, made him pathetic 6
and weak and ashamed.

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Trembling, he got up and walked unsteadily to the draw-8
ers that he had battered seconds earlier. The clocks swam 9
around him in the starfield on the walls. With his good 10
hand, he brought out a box of Swan Vesta matches.

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Crossing the room, he closed the thick blue curtains, shutting out the dull light, plunging himself into darkness.

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He sat back down on the bed and pulled out a match.

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Slowly, speeding up as he got to the end, he drew it along the 14
sandpaper. It sparked first try, flaring white as the phosphorus 15
head caught, then settling to a steady yellow flame. He 16
watched it, fascinated. Shadows flickered deep on his face in 17
the light of the match. The heat of it was comfort to him. He stared into the heart of the flame, and felt some of the frus-18
tration drain out of him. There was peace there, at least.

19

He let the match burn down, only blowing it out when 20
the pain in his fingertips became too much to bear. He sat 21
there in the darkness for a while, feeling better. Flame was 22
such a calming thing. Just a little match, and he felt okay 23
again.

It was enough. For now.

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BE A PUSH AUTHOR. WRITE NOW.

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Enter the PUSH Novel Contest for a chance to 11
get your novel published. You don't have to 12
have written the whole thing — just sample 13
chapters and an outline. For full details, check 14
out the contest area on www.thisispush.com

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