Author: Chelsea M. Cameron
Date: 2014-12-16 05:00:00+00:00
Keywords: Romance; New Adult; Contemporary Romance; Contemporary; Adult; Erotica
Description: Ryder Blythe is is a disaster. A red-headed, tattooed, dirty-talking disaster. But that doesn't stop Sloane Harris from being totally and absolutely attracted to him. She knows he's bad news, but she can't fight the way she feels. Plus, it's hard to avoid him since he's her best friend's fiancé's brother. But Sloane can't ignore the issues Ryder has following his unintentional overdose. Ryder flirts with darkness and Sloane's not sure if she can fight being dragged down with him. It seems like only a matter of time before Ryder will self-destruct. Is Sloane willing to take that risk? Or will R

Dark Surrendering

Copyright © 2014 Chelsea M. Cameron
www.chelseamcameron.com

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are use fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, business establishments or locales is entirely coincidental.

No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned or distributed in any printed or electronic form without permission. All rights reserved.

Cover Copyright © Chelsea M. Cameron

Edited by Jen Hendricks

Interior Design by NovelNinjutsu.com

I rolled over and bumped into something solid. And warm. The thing groaned and my eyes flew open. I was in my room, but I wasn’t alone. Oh, shit.

Then the headache hit me. I moaned and closed my eyes again. The sound of my voice woke the guy next to me.

“What the fuck?” He drew out the last word. What the fuck was definitely the right thing to say. Also, I was naked. The guy next to me didn’t have anything on either.

“Oh. Hey,” he said. That voice confirmed my worst fears.

“Hey, Ryder.” I opened my eyes again to find him staring at me. Those blue eyes would be my undoing. They were set in a face that was none the worse for wear. Unlike his two brothers, Ryder bore the scars of a hard life in visible ways.

“I feel like fucking shit,” he said, and I mentally agreed. I didn’t think I’d ever had a hangover this bad, and that was saying something.

Ryder’s eyes skimmed my body, which, of course, was not covered by much more than a bit of blanket. I had a tendency to thrash around when I slept.

Even though it hurt to move, I yanked the blankets over myself.

“Stop that. This is going to make me sound like an asshole, but what happened last night?” he asked after he stopped trying to stare his way through the blanket.

Great, he didn’t remember. Even greater? I didn’t either.

“Um, I remember dancing and drinking and that’s about it,” I said, trying not to look at him. Ryder hadn’t bothered to cover up, and it was seriously distracting. There was so much to look at. His tattoos, the fact that he was redhead everywhere, the random little scars that marked his freckled skin with spots of white. And of course he had other, ah, assets.

He rubbed his head and frowned. His hair used to be longer, but he cut it for some reason. I missed the length.

“That’s about what I remember.” I glanced beyond the bed and saw the gorgeous dress I’d spent hours sewing to fit just right, crumpled on the floor, with pieces of Ryder’s suit next to it.

Silence descended on us, and I really didn’t want to ask the question that was the most important.

“I’m guessing we fucked, huh?” he said.

“Well, judging by the fact that we’re both naked and in my bed, all signs point to yes. Shit. Rory is going to kill me.”

“And Lucah is going to kill me. This is the last thing I wanted,” he said, sighing and slowly getting to his feet with a groan.

“Fuck, fuck, fuuuuuuccccckkkkkk,” he said, clutching his head. “That was a bad idea. Bad fucking idea.” I had no idea how many times a person could use the word fuck in a short period before I met Ryder. I cursed as much as the next person, but under his influence, I’d turned into a foul-mouthed sailor.

“It’s your own damn fault,” I said. I wasn’t moving yet. If I did, I might throw up. I definitely didn’t want to throw up if I could avoid it. That would just make everything so much worse.

Ryder leaned over slowly and picked up his discarded boxers, slowly drawing them over each leg, as if each movement caused him pain. I could imagine.

I was still trying to figure out if we’d actually had sex. The evidence seemed overwhelming, and I scoured my hazy memories of the night before to find something, anything, that would confirm whether we had or hadn’t.

Apart from my head, my body felt fine. I snuck my hand under the covers and felt around. No road rash or evidence of sex.

“You don’t remember anything?” I asked again.

“I remember how good you looked in that dress. That shit is burned in my memory forever.” And I would never forget the image of him in a tux. Fuck me, he looked good. Then there was the dancing. Who knew he could waltz? Didn’t exactly fit with his image, but it made him even sexier.

“Yes, but after you saw the dress. Come on, Ryder, this is important.” The chance that the sex was actually safe was miniscule.

“I know it’s fucking important!” he yelled, and then grabbed his head. “Do you think I wanted this to happen? That this was my plan all along? To get you wasted and into bed? Fuck, I did just about everything to make sure that didn’t happen.” Except, you know, not getting drunk and coming home with me and taking his clothes off. But I couldn’t blame him. We were both at fault for whatever had happened, sex or not.

“I need to go. I need to get out of here before Rory or my brother sees anything. Because even if nothing happened, this doesn’t look good, and I’ll get blamed. I always get blamed.” He moved a little faster and got his pants, shoes, and shirt on. His outfit reeked of “walk of shame” but that couldn’t be helped. He probably still had some clothes at Rory and Lucah’s, but there was no way to get to them without being totally obvious about it.

“Let me know if you remember anything,” I said. I knew what I was going to spend the next few hours doing.

“I’m sorry if anything happened. I really, really wanted to avoid this.”

“Yeah, I know. It’s my fault too. But we’ll figure it out. Do you want me to come over later?”

He folded his coat over his arm. “If you can do it without anyone finding out, then yes. I really don’t need the shitstorm this might cause to come crashing down on my head right now.” No, he definitely didn’t. Ryder had been through a lot lately, and he didn’t need to add to it. He was just getting his life back on track after an accidental overdose on pills. He’d gotten an apartment and a job, and was on his way to being a productive member of society. Whatever that was.

“I got it. I won’t say a word,” I said.

He nodded once. “Good. I’ll, um, see you later.”

I gave him a lame little wave and he left. But he was back in a second, a smile starting to spread on his face.

“You really looked incredible last night.”

“Thanks.” I returned the smile and then he closed the door softly behind him.

I lay back on my pillows and mentally berated myself. Almost immediately, I was interrupted by loud voices. I cringed and knew exactly who those voices belonged to.

So much for Ryder sneaking out. I heard him shouting and made up my mind to go rescue him from the firing squad, a.k.a. my best friend Rory and her sort-of fiancé, Lucah, who also happened to be Ryder’s brother. A clusterfuck is what this was.

Before I left my bedroom, I quickly grabbed a robe and wrapped it around myself, and headed toward the front door, where all the yelling was coming from.

“You are so irresponsible. I thought you’d changed, but I guess not.” Lucah’s face was red and angrier than I’d ever seen it. Standing beside him, with her arms folded, was Rory. She glared daggers at Ryder, who was just standing there and taking it.

Yeah, that wasn’t cool with me.

“Nothing happened. Shit, you two are worse than helicopter parents,” I said, walking over to join Ryder.

“Nothing happened? Really, Sloane? We’re not stupid.” Rory pointed to my attire and then to Ryder’s. “If this isn’t the textbook image of a walk of shame, then I don’t know what is.”

Rory and Lucah didn’t look much better than we did. Both wore the marks of hangovers, but at least they were dressed.

I poked Ryder. He should have been standing up for himself. He might have been Lucah’s younger brother, but he was a grown-ass man. He didn’t have to take this.

“I’m sorry,” he said sheepishly, and that was it.

I made a sound of frustration and everyone looked at me. “You have got to be kidding me. This whole fucking thing is ridiculous.” I was irritated but moving toward pissed.

Lucah opened his mouth to argue with me, but Rory squeezed his arm. Yes, I knew there was a lot of shit between Ryder and Lucah, a lot which I didn’t know the details of. Their relationship was more confusing than the plot of a foreign film with no subtitles.

“Can we please put a hold on this thing until we’ve all had some coffee and calmed down? I am not up for this right now,” I said, rubbing my forehead and wishing I could rub away the headache that throbbed there.

“I think that’s a good idea,” Rory said, changing tactics. She probably sensed the potential explosive situation and wanted to cool things down before they blew up.

“Lovely. Well, I’ll see both of you later,” I said, taking a risk and shoving both of them out the door. Lucah had a murderous look on his face, but went without protest. I shut the door on them and turned to Ryder.

“Coffee?”

“That would be great,” he said, tossing his jacket across my couch. “Guess I’m not getting out of here anytime soon.”

“Guess not.”

An hour later, Ryder was still in his tux, I was still in my robe, but both of us felt better. We’d had coffee, scrambled eggs, and toast, and were trying to piece together the events of the night before.

“So whose idea was it to do shots?” I asked.

Ryder raised his hand. “That would be me. I think I said I was going to outdrink you.”

It was sort of coming back to me now. “I can’t believe the bartender let us do that,” I said. We’d been at my friend Marisol’s swanky charity event. Usually those weren’t the kinds of parties where shots were encouraged, or even served.

“Remember? I knew that one bartender and he hooked us up,” Ryder said, sipping his coffee.

Oh, right. Now I remembered. Ryder had said he’d known one of the bartenders from “way back.” I didn’t even want to know. Anyway, the guy hooked us up with some stuff they’d been keeping away from the general drinking public at the event. The murk in my brain was starting to clear.

“Where the hell was your brother when all that was going down?” Since his overdose, Lucah had been watching his younger brother like a hawk crossed with an annoying mother hen. I couldn’t totally blame him for it, though. Ryder had been in really bad shape. He was still a little thin and gaunt compared to the guy I’d first met when Rory and Lucah were moving in together. He’d stopped my heart in that hallway. I’d chalked most of the sudden intense feeling up to lust, but now I knew it was something more. Something that kind of scared the shit out of me.

“I think he and Rory were indisposed,” he said. Those two. For all their moral grandstanding, they sure snuck off to get it on in a lot of public places. And that wasn’t even counting all the times they’d gotten it on in the office where they’d first met and both worked.

“That explains it. And then I think we had the shot contest and Rory and Lucah came back, and then there was a dance contest? Or did I make that up?” I asked.

Ryder chuckled and shook his head. “Nope, that totally happened. I can’t remember who won, but I remember moonwalking into the wall.” Now I wished I remembered that.

“And then I think Rory and Lucah got distracted or something, and you said you didn’t want to go back to your crappy apartment,” I said. We were getting somewhere now.

Ryder nodded along with me. “Right, right. I think I was whining about my bed or something, and you said I could share yours.”

I gaped at him. “I did not say that.”

“Yeah, you totally did. I might have forgotten most of everything else, but I remember that. Well, I do now.” He grinned at me. Oh, this was so not funny.

“Moving on. We ended up here and then . . .”

“And then . . .”

Neither of us knew.

“Maybe we should, ah, inspect the evidence?” I suggested. “Like, look at my bed? I don’t have one of those black light things they use in nasty hotel rooms though.”

Ryder made a face. “Guess that’s as good as anything.” Pretty much. We both headed for my bedroom, the scene of the potential crime.

I pulled the covers off and looked at the sheets, and Ryder did the same.

“I don’t see anything,” I said, trying to ignore how disgusting this was. Pretty much the last thing I’d ever want to do with a guy.

“I don’t see anything either. I mean, if we were that drunk, then the chances of me making anything happen are like, fucking slim.” He had a point there. I hadn’t thought of that. Probably because I’d never experienced that phenomenon myself.

“True. That is true. I’m guessing we just ripped our clothes off and passed out.”

He nodded in agreement. “But we should, you know, probably get tested, just in case.”

Awesome. Just what I wanted. At least I didn’t have to worry about pregnancy, since I got the Depo shot every three months, and I was never, ever late.

“Yeah . . . right.”

“I mean, I used to be reckless, so who knows what I’ve got.” That was a completely sobering thought. I was always so careful about who I had sex with and always used protection.

“I’m sorry about that, for your sake,” he said, his face grim. Once upon a time, before I’d known about Ryder’s past, I’d thought about jumping into bed with him. Now I was wondering how I could have been so naïve. Lust had a lot to do with it. I blamed lust for so many bad decisions.

“I’ve fucked up a lot of things in my life, Sloane, and . . .” He didn’t seem able to finish his thought.

“Yeah, well, I’m not perfect either.”

Ryder snorted as if I’d said something hilarious. “Since neither of us remember any sex, and since there doesn’t seem to be any evidence of it, I think we can agree that the probability of sex is low,” he said.

“Agreed. But we should be safe anyway.”

“Agreed.” Ryder and I tucked my blankets back into the bed.

“Now what?” I said, sitting down on the bed.

“No fucking idea.”

Ryder really wanted to change out of his suit, so he left and went back to his apartment, this time without incident. Figuring I should probably try and smooth things over, I headed down the hall to Rory and Lucah’s place. Normally I’d just barge right in, but this time I decided knocking was a good idea.

Rory opened the door and her face was grim. “Hi,” she whispered.

“Can I come in?” I asked.

She nodded and moved aside to let me in. Lucah was on the couch with his guitar in his lap, his facial expression stony. You’d think someone had died.

“This really isn’t as dire as you two are making it out to be. As far as we can tell, we didn’t have sex. Not that it’s any of your business anyway.” It seriously wasn’t. But Lucah and Rory were two peas in a pod. Control freaks. A match made in heaven.

“It is absolutely my business,” Lucah said. “You have no right messing this up. He’s been doing so well, and now . . .” He strummed an angry chord. Like he was musically yelling at me too.

Now what?

Rory jumped to my defense. “Lucah, it takes two to tango. This isn’t some situation where Sloane was a predator and took Ryder’s virtue. They both got drunk. They both fell into bed.”

I was glad she was sticking up for me, but I could fight my own battles.

“Thanks hun, but I got this. Look, I know your brother is a mess. That’s an established fact. And I’m not dancing with joy about this. But it’s over, it happened, and now Ryder and I are the ones who will have to deal with the consequences. So, I think we should drop it. What would you like for dinner?” Most nights I cooked since Rory was usually exhausted and wasn’t a big fan of the kitchen.

“Dinner?” Lucah said, as if he’d never heard the word before.

“Yes, dinner. The meal that comes after lunch. Or tea, if you’re all British,” I said.

“Um, whatever you feel like making. We’re flexible.” Ha, that was so not true, especially at that moment.

Lucah started to say something else, but Rory gave him a look.

“Fine. Sure.” That was as good an answer as I was going to get. Awesome.

“Okay then. I’m going to go back down the hall, and I’ll see you at the usual time.”

With that, I turned around and headed out the door. I didn’t want to hear any more criticism at the moment. My head was still throbbing.

I spent the rest of the day recovering from one of the most epic hangovers ever and trying to fix the tear in my dress. My beautiful, beautiful dress. I’d paid an arm and a leg for the rosy gold silk, and I’d painstakingly sewn it together. I wouldn’t even let my interns touch the fabric. I hadn’t trusted anyone to sew it but me. There was a split up the back, and I’d made the thing so tight that it fit like a second skin. Not very conducive to moving around a lot, but it looked fabulous.

Ryder called me just as I was trying to pick out what to make for dinner and playing Tristan Prettyman’s “Waves.” I turned the music down so I could hear him.

“How are you feeling?” he asked.

“Better. I had a chat with Rory and Lucah. He’s still not impressed, so you might want to make yourself scarce for a few days.” It was a good thing he’d moved out, or else it might have come to blows.

“Good plan.” What followed was an awkward silence. I’d never had an awkward silence with Ryder before.

“So, I was thinking,” he started to say.

“You shouldn’t do that. Thinking can be hazardous to your heath,” I said.

He chuckled a little but continued. “I was thinking that we . . . probably shouldn’t hang out anymore. Alone, I mean. I’ll still come over for dinner and everything so Lucah can make sure I’m on track and going to therapy and everything, but I just don’t think we can be friends outside of that time.” I had a feeling this was coming. When we danced at the ball he shot me down again when I asked if he needed any help moving in.

I knew I’d been shameless when it came to trying to get him to be a part of my life. And he’d been pretty shameless himself, although that was before his overdose. Before he started trying to turn his life around.

When I’d first met him, I hadn’t known about his substance abuse and depression. I told myself it probably wasn’t that bad. But then he’d overdosed on medication and had ended up in the hospital. He hadn’t been trying to kill himself, but still. Ryder had landed in therapy and Lucah had started watching every little thing he did so he wouldn’t backslide.

“Yeah, that’s probably a good idea,” I said, and the words made my stomach turn again, and it wasn’t from the hangover.

“Good. I was hoping you’d be okay with that. You understand, right? When I’m around you . . . I want to make bad decisions. That’s not your fault, it’s just the way things are.” It sure sounded like it was my fault. But I kept my mouth shut. This wasn’t about me. This was about Ryder getting his shit together. Maybe once he did that . . .

Maybe.

“I know, I know. It wasn’t a really good decision on my part either. I’ve got so much going on with my new lingerie line and fashion show coming up, so I really don’t have time for distractions either.” Ryder Blythe was so much more than a mere distraction. That was like calling a hurricane a little bit of wind and rain.

“So, I guess I’ll see you in a few days, then? Lucah will want me at dinner so I can give him my progress report and watch me eat all my vegetables.” He was trying to make light of it, but that wasn’t really going to help. Not being able to even be friends with him was going to suck majorly.

“Better eat your Brussels sprouts,” I said, trying to keep up with the joke.

“Yeah. Or else he’s going to beat my ass.” I’d like to see Lucah try. He was in pretty good shape, but Ryder had weight and muscle mass on his side. Their other brother, Tate, was the scrawniest one of the three, and he wasn’t even that scrawny. There were some damn good genes in that pool.

“Okay, well, I guess I’ll just see you around, then?” I said.

“Guess so.”

He hung up and I set my phone down on the kitchen counter. Ryder and I were over before we’d even started.

A knock at the door snapped me out of my thoughts. I glanced out the peephole to confirm who I thought was on the other side.

I unlocked the door and let Rory in. She still looked tired.

“Hey,” she said. “I just wanted to come over and see if we’re good? Lucah is still really upset, but I didn’t want you to think I shared all his views.” I knew she didn’t feel the same, but it was nice to hear it anyway.

“No, I know. It’s just such a weird situation. Ryder being your boyfriend’s brother and everything.” It was a complete mess.

She sat down at the breakfast bar and slumped over. “It is weird. The only way it would be weirder is if Tate and Marisol hooked up. Not that that would ever happen, seeing as how Tate is happily married and Marisol is definitely with Fin now.” Once upon a time, Rory’s parents had wanted her to be with Fin, the son of one of their friends, but we’d set him up with our friend Marisol instead. Somehow it had worked out.

“No, I don’t think that’s going to happen,” I agreed.

“So, you want to talk about it?”

I thought about that for a minute, and then shook my head. “Not really. There’s not much to talk about. We got drunk and got naked and fell into bed together. I really don’t think there was any sex, not that I’d remember it anyway. And Ryder has already called and said that we can’t even be friends right now, so you can tell Mr. Ginger that he got what he wanted.” I tried not to sound bitter, but I couldn’t help it. I was bitter.

“Hey, that’s not what he wants. He’s just so worried about Ryder. You should have seen him when he found out. It’s just . . . not a good time right now for this, Sloane. It’s just not.” Rory was going through her own crisis right now at work and this on top of that was probably driving her over the edge.

“Okay, fine. Message received,” I said.

She gave me a tired smile. “Good. So, on to other matters, I wanted to do something for Lucah to celebrate our pre-engagement.” She looked down at Lucah’s mother’s class ring, which adorned one of her fingers. The ruby glinted in the light. He’d given it to her as sort of a promise ring. They may as well be engaged for real. Those two were definitely headed for the altar.

“Uh huh. Go on,” I said, pulling down pots and pans to make dinner. I didn’t feel like doing anything elaborate, so I was going to stick to steak and potatoes and a salad.

“And I was thinking you could make me something to put under my dress? Something sexy?” I’d made plenty of sexy things for Rory already. Fortunately, she didn’t mind being my lingerie test subject. Neither did Marisol, who I’d also used as a human model.

“I can do you one better. How about I make you a dress with underthings to match?”

Her eyes lit up. “You could do that?”

I gave her a withering look. “Babe, when it comes to fabric, I can make just about anything.” That wasn’t being cocky, it was simply stating a fact. I was only good at a few things, and making clothes was one of them.

“I know you can. I do not doubt your skills in the slightest. I just didn’t think you’d have time,” Rory said.

I wasn’t lying to Ryder when I said I had a lot going on. I did. I just wanted him to be a part of that.

“I’ll make time,” I said, pulling out some potatoes and washing them in the sink. “I’ll always make time for you, Future Mrs. Ginger.” I’d started teasing Lucah about his hair color long before I met Ryder, who also shared the redhead gene. But Ryder’s hair was a darker, deeper red.

“You’re the best. And I’m glad you and Ryder didn’t . . . you know. I just think it would be a complication in your life that you definitely don’t need right now. Ryder is . . .” Damaged. Broken. Needed to go to the repair shop.

“I know. I know. I’m going to stay away from him. It’s the best thing for the both of us.”

Rory nodded in satisfaction. “Need any help?”

“You have got to be kidding.”

She smiled. “Yup. I would never try and usurp your throne as kitchen queen.” Damn right.

It was safe to say dinner that night was tense. Lucah was trying his best not to be a complete asshole, which I appreciated. Rory helped by trying to get us to talk about anything that wasn’t Ryder related. And they had music going so there weren’t long intense silences.

“I almost forgot to tell you!” she said, nearly choking on a piece of steak.

“What?” I asked.

“Chloe totally got it on with one of those rich guys’ wives in one of the closets at the event. I can’t believe I forgot to tell you that!”

Me neither. Chloe was on the rebound from her last girlfriend, Harmony, who, despite her name, only seemed to cause destruction. The bitch had ripped Chloe’s fucking heart out and stomped on it for good measure. If I ever saw her again, I wouldn’t be responsible for my actions.

“So I guess she’s getting over Harmony by getting under someone else?” I said.

Rory shook her head and sighed. “I wish I knew someone good I could set her up with. What about you?” She directed the question at Lucah. “Know any eligible lesbians who will put up with a lot of baggage?”

“Not offhand, but I’ll keep my eyes open,” he said.

“I bet you will,” Rory said.

“I only have eyes for you, sunshine,” he said. He seemed to be getting back to his old self. Or at least his non-angry-with-his-brother-and-me self. He wasn’t a bad guy when it came down to it. He treated Rory the way she deserved to be treated and he’d been really good for her. Bottom line: He made her happy and I couldn’t ask for more than that.

“Damn right, Mr. Blythe,” she said. It was still weird to hear that name, as opposed to the name he’d used when he introduced himself the first time—Lucas Blaine—which turned out to be an alias. Apparently his job as Rory’s new administrative assistant was a front for him to be a corporate spy and root out the people in the company who turned out to be embezzling money. It sounded a lot cooler than it actually was.

They shared one of those looks that couples who are completely comfortable have. I tried not to feel that little pang of jealousy, but you can’t stop feeling the way you feel.

“Tell me more about this hookup with Chlo,” I said, and they both looked at me as if they’d forgotten I was there.

“Well, I guess the woman is the wife of some bigwig politician. I’m just hoping no one saw or else I’m going to have to start calling her Monica Lewinsky from now on.” I snorted at the joke. I was totally going to start calling her that anyway.

The dinner was a sad affair without Ryder. I was a third wheel on a date and it sucked. At least when he was here the two of us could tease Lucah and Rory.

“You okay?” Rory asked, sensing my sad state.

“Yeah, just tired. I feel like I want to sleep for a week.”

“Tell me about it. I’m getting too old for this shit,” she said. I rolled my eyes. She was younger than me by a few months, but neither of us was anywhere near ancient.

“You’re only as old as you want to be,” Lucah said, and I had to agree with him.

“You just keep telling yourself that, grandpa,” Rory said, patting his shoulder. He scowled at her, but she leaned over and gave him a kiss. I could tell where this was headed, so I rushed to get the plates into the dishwasher.

“Well, I’m going to go back to my cave and be alone,” I said, but neither of them was paying me much attention. Normally I didn’t mind being alone, but it was really starting to bug me lately.

My apartment was the same when I opened the door, but it was too quiet. Too empty. I headed to the second bedroom that I’d converted into a studio. I decided I should start designing Rory’s dress and lingerie combination.

I put on KONGOS and turned to a fresh page in my sketchpad. Some people might be terrified by a blank page, but I loved it. This paper might be empty now, but I could fill it with whatever I wanted. A blank page was total and complete freedom.

I moved my pencil across the paper, letting my imagination take over. More often than not, I started with one idea and ended up with something completely different. I’d designed plenty of times for Rory before, and this time I wanted to do something new. Something that would make Lucah want to propose for real this time.

A half hour later, I had a dress that I was really happy with. It was one-shouldered with beading along the top that flowed into a long skirt with delicate flower appliques. It was going to be a bitch to make, but I was totally okay with that. I could put one of my interns to work doing the beading and sewing on the flowers. I hadn’t decided what color I wanted it to be yet. I’d have to go through my stock and maybe go fabric shopping.

The dress done, I moved on to the lingerie, echoing the beading and flowers. The whole thing was going to be spectacular, and I almost wished I could be on the date with them so I could see his reaction.

I set my pencil down and stretched my arms up. “Come with Me Now” was playing, so I started dancing around the room. Maybe I should get a cat or something. I still wasn’t used to Rory being down the hall. Even when she worked crazy hours, I still knew that she was eventually coming home. I could head to my studio nearby, but it was kind of late. Not that lateness had ever stopped me before.

Instead, I turned to a new page and started making more dresses and lingerie. By the time my eyes started to close I had five new outfits.

Now I just had to make them.

I checked my phone just to make sure Ryder hadn’t called or texted. Nada.

Guess he was going to keep his word this time.

I could say that Ryder and I agreeing we couldn’t be friends anymore wasn’t affecting me, but then I’d be a liar as well as a good cook and a fashion designer.

I had a habit of making my interns cry, but I’d never made three of them cry in one day. That was a new record. And those three that cried? All quit. Those that were left seemed on the verge of tears, so I closed myself off in my little office and took a breather.

A few minutes later, there was a tentative knock. Inari, my assistant and sanity-keeper, was there with a cup of coffee and a sympathetic ear.

“If they can’t take this, then there’s no way they could ever make it in the real world,” she said, handing me a bakery bag with a cherry Danish in it. God bless this woman.

“I know that’s true, but interns don’t grow on trees, and the good ones are hard to find for someone like me.” Most of the college students willing to work for free wanted to head to New York and hang out with Ralph Lauren or Betsey Johnson, not spend their time in Boston getting yelled at by me, Sloane Harris of SH Designs.

Inari gave me a sympathetic look from behind her white-rimmed glasses. The first time I saw her, I knew I wanted her to work for me. Inari is the kind of girl who could rock dreadlocks and a bohemian dress with heels and a set of pearls like few people could. Plus, she could sew.

“Well, I can go through the applications again, if you want.” We’d done that song and dance so many times before.

“Guess we’re going to have to.” I hated hiring new people. There was such a steep learning curve, especially if they’d been taught bad habits. I could work with some idiot who didn’t know how to thread a sewing machine, or didn’t know what a French seam was, but I couldn’t do a whole lot with someone who had learned the incorrect way of doing everything. Bad habits were hard to break.

“On the bright side, we still have Toby, Marina, Z, and Logan. That’s enough to keep things going for a while.” We both knew it wasn’t. I had a lot coming up and I needed extra hands. I had Inari, Jason, Kelly, and Paris as full-time employees supplemented with interns. But Kelly was talking about wanting to have a baby, and Jason was in a long-distance relationship and considering a move to Seattle.

I needed more people. If only I could stop making the ones I had cry.

The moment I stepped out of my office, everyone froze. It was almost funny.

“Calm down. I’ve had some coffee and a Danish, and you can all stop cowering.” They continued to stare at me. Great.

I sighed. “Okay, who wants coffee and donuts? On me?” That made their eyes light up. I glanced at Inari, and she smiled back at me and started taking orders. I guess I owed them for being such a bitch earlier. But you know what? Bitches got shit done.

The mood in the studio was much lighter after the donuts and coffee arrived, and the work actually started to improve. I’d spent the day working with one intern (one of the ones left, anyway), Vivien, on her sewing skills. She wanted to learn, but she just didn’t pick things up that quickly, but the important part was that she tried.

“I’m so stupid,” she said as she made a crooked hem.

I held my frustration and took a breath. “You just need to slow down, that’s all. Just take your time and double check that everything is straight before throwing it through the machine. When I first started, I had the worst time getting anything to go straight.” I didn’t mention that I was ten when I got my first sewing machine. I’d saved up all my birthday money and spare change I boosted from my dad’s pants pocket every now and then, and a few dollars from walking dogs in the neighborhood. It was a piece of shit, and I had to take it apart, clean the entire thing, buy new parts, and put it back together. It took me all summer, but I got it done. My parents thought I was mental. Guess I should have been running around and getting caught messing with boys and smoking like my sister had. Instead, I ran a successful company and graduated from an Ivy League college, which you’d think they’d be over the moon about. Nope.

She tried again, and finally got a straight seam. Hallelujah.

“Good job.” I sometimes forgot the whole positive reinforcement bit. Usually I just screamed at them when they did stuff wrong.

“Thanks!” she said with a bright smile. It was much better than the look of fear most of them wore. I looked up to find everyone else staring at me, as if I’d done something I’d never done before. I’d given out praise in the past. I knew I had. I must have. Hadn’t I?

“Get back to work!” I barked, and they scurried to go back to what they had been doing. Inari gave me a look. Yeah, yeah.

It felt like the longest day ever, and I’d had some long days. But by six I was so ready to get out of there and back to my apartment that I told everyone they could go home if they wanted. You’d think I’d changed my name to Santa Claus. Vivien practically skipped out the door.

“Don’t think that this is going to be a regularly occurring thing!” I yelled after them. I never let them go early, but then, I was usually the last one there every night. I worked longer hours than anyone, and I didn’t make them do anything I wasn’t willing to do myself. Sure, I yelled more than I should, but I was fair. No one got fired without just cause.

Inari waited for me and we walked out together.

“You sure you don’t want to get dinner?”

I shook my head. “Nah, I should get home. I’m cooking for Lucah and Rory again.” I liked cooking for more than one. It gave me something to do in the evenings and it was a stress reliever after work.

“Sure thing. Well, I’ll see you tomorrow,” she said, heading for the parking garage to get her car while I headed for the nearest T station. Sometimes I took a cab, but that was usually when it was raining, or I had to carry something heavy. Public transportation was much cheaper.

I checked my phone when I emerged from the station, but nothing. I sighed and walked toward my apartment. I looked up, wishing I could see the stars, but there were too many city lights. When I was a kid, I used to climb on the roof and watch the stars when I couldn’t sleep at night, which was on most nights. I was a chronic insomniac, which was probably why I got so much done.

For a second, I thought about walking to the garage nearby where I kept my car and then driving out of the city for a while. But I had dinner to make. A routine to keep. I just wished that routine still included a sexy redhead with a rocky past.

I had a surprise waiting for me when I walked into my apartment. That very redhead I’d just been wishing I could see? He was standing right in my kitchen.

My brain only registered that there was a stranger in my apartment, so I screamed until I recognized it was Ryder and he wasn’t here to murder me. At least I didn’t think so.

“Holy shit!” I dropped my bags and clutched at my chest. My heart had jumped so hard, I thought it was going to rip out of my ribcage and cower under the couch.

“Sorry.” He didn’t seem to be the least bit sorry. He leaned on the counter as if he broke into people’s houses every day. For all I knew, he did. He certainly looked like someone who would break into your house, with paint-covered, ripped jeans, a t-shirt that had seen better days, and just the barest hint of red stubble standing out on his chin. And those eyes. Blue like the ocean at night. The tattoos that poked out from the sleeves of his shirt only added to the ne’er-do-well persona.

“What the fuck are you doing here? How did you get in?”

He stood up straight. “You gave me a key, remember?”

Oh, right. I’d forgotten about that. I’d given it to him a while ago. But he didn’t answer my first question.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” I asked again. We’d discuss the lock picking later.

“Well, remember how I said we shouldn’t be friends and shouldn’t see each other unless it was in a group circumstance and completely platonic?”

“My memory isn’t that terrible. I think I can remember a question we had yesterday,” I said with ice in my voice.

“Well, I decided I didn’t want to do that. Fuck it. I like seeing you. I like talking to you. We should be able to see each other and talk and shit, right?”

Well, I thought so, but he was the one who’d decided he didn’t want to. Yesterday.

“So, you’re saying forget all the stuff you said less than twenty-four hours ago? About me making you want to do bad things and all that?” I sounded bitter. I didn’t mean to.

“Uh, yeah. Fuck that shit. I don’t know what I was thinking. I’m sorry that I’m jerking you around. It’s just that my head is so mixed up. It’s hard to function normally when you’re used to being high or drunk, or on something. Just being normal is . . . hard. Really hard.”

I could understand that. And I did make a lot of allowances for the fact that he was still getting his shit together and recovering. I tried to be patient, but it wasn’t easy.

“Okayyyyy,” I said slowly. “So, does this mean we’re going to be friends? Have you talked to your brother about this?” Like we needed his permission. But still, I was pretty sure he wouldn’t like us hanging out together, even if it was platonic.

“No, I haven’t talked to him about it, but I will. I’ll keep you out of it.”

I laughed once. “Yeah, how are you going to do that?”

“I don’t know. But I will. I’ll just explain that you were really there for me when I was in the hospital and that you’re an integral part of me staying clean and sober and away from the bad influences in my life. The other night was an anomaly. It won’t happen again.” It sounded so easy and believable when he said it.

He looked at me with such hope in his eyes.

“That sounds well and good, but is he going to buy that?” I asked.

Ryder smiled at me. “I can sell anyone on anything. Just watch me.” And he sauntered around me and through the door. Left wondering what the hell was happening, I followed him. He stopped in front of Lucah and Rory’s door and rang the bell.

The door opened to a surprised Rory.

“Ryder! I didn’t think we were going to be seeing you for a while. How’s everything going?” She spoke to him in that tone you use for children or sick people. It was kind of high-pitched and sweet.

“Doing good, doing good. Is my brother here?”

Lucah appeared at the door, his eyes narrowing when he saw me standing a few feet away from Ryder. Why didn’t he just put the guy in one of those plastic bubbles like John Travolta in that movie he was in? Jesus Christ.

“I thought you weren’t going to be coming by for a while,” Lucah said, his voice tight. I could tell he was trying not to explode. Well, that was progress.

“Yeah, well, I changed my mind. Also, I decided something else. I can see who I want, when I want. I know you think that I’m fragile and broken and shit, but I’m not. And I’m not going to go back to the way things were. I know it’s going to require a lot for you to trust me even a little bit, but I need you to trust me now. I’m doing okay, and you, Rory, and Sloane are a huge part of that. All three of you. I don’t think I’ve thanked you and Tate enough for being there for me, even when I didn’t deserve it.” Ryder was getting emotional, and I couldn’t say I was entirely dry-eyed myself. Rory wiped at her own eyes, but Lucah just stared at his brother.

“So, that’s what I have to say,” Ryder said, shoving his hands in his pockets. He looked young right then, much younger than twenty-two.

Lucah looked at his brother for a long time before he said anything. “Okay. I think I can do that. But I’m taking a chance on you, Ryder. You’ve let me down before.”

Ryder nodded. “I know. But I don’t want to do that anymore. I don’t want to be that guy.” I hadn’t really known that guy much. Sure, I’d been attracted to him, but I’d be attracted to him no matter what. Sometimes you couldn’t fight that pull toward another person.

“Now that’s something I think we can agree on,” Lucah said, the start of a smile forming on his face. Yes. We were getting somewhere.

“Good,” Ryder said, pulling his hands out of his pockets and holding one out to Lucah.

“Come on,” Lucah said, finally smiling and holding his arms out. The two brothers hugged, and I shared a look with Rory. Ryder and Lucah had had a lot of moments like this lately, and I’d gotten to witness some of them. They might be incredibly different, but the love between them was palpable. I’d never loved any of my siblings like that. The love in my family was the obligatory kind.

They released each other and then there was a bit of an awkward moment.

“Well, I guess I should get started on dinner,” I said, backing up and heading toward my door.

“I’ll help,” Ryder said. I turned to see if Lucah would object, but he kept his mouth shut.

“Let us know when it’s ready,” Rory said, giving me a wink and drawing Lucah back into the apartment.

“Will do,” I said, giving her a salute. She closed the door, and then it was just me and Ryder.

“So. Shall we?” he said, offering his arm. I snorted and took it. We strolled back to my apartment like we were in an old movie and he was my gentleman caller, leading me to my door where he’d tell me he had a swell time.

“Would it be weird if I told you I missed you?” he said as I opened the door.

“No.” I’d missed him too. It had only been a day, but it felt like much longer.

“Good. That’s good.”

I smiled at him as he followed me into the kitchen.

“What’s on tap for tonight?” he asked as I started assembling ingredients.

“Rory loves my truffle mac and cheese, so I’ll do that with roasted broccoli, cauliflower, and gelato for dessert. I don’t feel like making an elaborate dessert tonight, but at least the pasta is homemade.” Exhaustion crashed down on me, and suddenly all I wanted to do was take a nap.

“Put me to work,” he said, going to the sink and washing his hands. Ryder was a great sous chef. I was reluctant to even have Rory help me, but Ryder was different. He let me tell him what to do, and he didn’t do anything until I told him to do it. If only he was like that the rest of the time, he’d be the perfect man.

“Okay, if you could wash the vegetables and boil the water, that would be great.” I got the truffles out of the fridge. They were already washed and ready to use, they just needed to be chopped.

“I thought truffles were chocolate,” he said.

“That’s a different kind of truffle. Real truffles are mushrooms, and they use pigs and dogs to find them. I’d love to go truffle hunting someday.” It was on my bucket list. Most of my travel plans were food-related. I wanted to taste fresh olive oil and eat fresh croissants, and wade through a rice paddy. If this fashion thing would ever calm down, then I might have a chance to do some of those things.

“Huh. What do you know,” he said. I showed Ryder the truffle and started talking about what I was making, and he listened. One of the things I liked so much about him was his listening skills. They were good. For a guy who talked a lot and swore a lot, he knew how to keep his mouth shut and act interested. And he always remembered what I told him later on. I’d quizzed him to make sure.

Sometimes I caught him staring at my chest, but then his eyes would move up to my face. So I didn’t call him on it.

“How’s everything going with the farting therapist?” Ryder had been ordered by the hospital and by Lucah to attend therapy several times a week. Even though he hadn’t meant to kill himself with his overdose, it was still disconcerting.

“I swear, I feel like I want to give the guy some Pepto Bismol or something. I don’t know. Dude’s go issues.”

I snorted and stirred the pasta so it didn’t stick together. “Your therapist needs fart therapy.”

“Seriously,” he said, laughing. “But the first step in solving a problem is admitting you have a problem, and I don’t think he’s there yet.”

He asked me about my day, and I broke down and told him about my quitting interns. Once upon a time, I’d wanted to hire Ryder to work for me. Yes, he probably didn’t know a damn thing about making clothes, but he would have been fun to be around and stare at. He’d probably model for me if I asked him to. God, that would be nice.

I’d gotten a peek at the goods, and they were damn good. I didn’t think I’d be attracted to someone like him, but damn. His body told a story and I wanted to know about it.

“You’re staring at me,” he said, and I realized I’d been mentally undressing him. Oops.

I looked away and into the boiling pot. Shit, hopefully the pasta wasn’t overcooked. I’d have to toss it. You couldn’t do anything with overcooked pasta. I grabbed a slotted spoon and dipped out some of the pasta so I could taste it to make sure it was cooked right. And of course I burned my tongue. I was a little distracted by Ryder.

“Aren’t you going to throw it at the wall? That’s how my father always did it. Then my mother would come in and yell at him for it.”

I shook my head. “No way. Not in my kitchen. Not ever.” I shuddered at the thought.

“Bummer.” He grabbed the spoon from me and fished out a piece, putting it in his mouth. “Tastes good.”

“Well, it should. I’m making it.”

He raised one ginger eyebrow at me. “Cocky much?” he said.

“Just in the kitchen. And with a sewing machine.” Hell, I could barely get my shit together to pay my bills.

“Uh huh,” he said, skeptical. I rolled my eyes.

“Whatever.”

I went back to tending the pasta, getting out the colander. Ryder stood off to the side, but he started whistling. The tune sounded somewhat familiar.

“What song is that?” I asked as I drained the pasta.

“I Touch Myself,” he said.

Now I was the one raising eyebrows. “Seriously?”

“Yup.”

“Are you trying to suggest anything with that particular song?”

He grinned at me. “Maybe.”

I didn’t know what to do with this piece of information, so I just tossed the pasta into the colander and didn’t say anything. Ryder kept whistling, and I could feel my cheeks getting hot and red, and it wasn’t from the steam of the hot water.

Normally, something like that wouldn’t make me blush, but Ryder did something else to me. I liked it much more than I would admit.

He stopped whistling and I returned the pasta to the pot. We were now ready for the cheese sauce and truffle mixture. The vegetables were roasting in the oven, and I really needed a glass of wine. Or, as I liked to call it, Chef Juice. But I hadn’t gotten any wine out because of Ryder.

There was a knock at the door, and Ryder let Rory in.

“We almost done? I’m starting to get hangry. I didn’t get to eat much today.” She looked tired, but that was what happened when your father’s software company, that you also worked for, went through a PR nightmare. Rory was working mega overtime to smooth everything over and help her dad as much as possible.

“I’m sorry, babe. We’re almost there. I have some snacks if you need something right now.” I’d had a feeling she was going to want something, so I’d gotten out some carrots and hummus.

“Oh, thank God. I never thought I’d be so happy to see hummus in my life.” She pounced on the plate and started stuffing her face.

“I don’t know how you can eat that,” Ryder said, making a face.

“I’d eat just about anything right now,” Rory said, her mouth full of carrot and hummus. Classy.

“I would rather eat another person than eat that,” Ryder said, pointing to the half-empty plate.

“You would eat human flesh before eating hummus?” I said.

He nodded. “Yeah. I would.” Nuts. That was nuts.

“You underestimate the deliciousness of Sloane’s hummus,” Rory said, practically licking her fingers.

“Oh, I don’t underestimate anything about Sloane,” Ryder said, and I coughed on my own saliva. Nice.

I kept working with my pasta. I knew I was stirring it too much, and it was going to get overdone, but I couldn’t look at Ryder at the moment.

He must have sensed that I was uncomfortable, so he started asking Rory about work, and she launched into everything she’d had to go through. At least the press wasn’t camped out in front of the building anymore.

“Poor Lilia. I should really start paying her more. Our website went down and none of the tech people could figure out what was wrong and she took about five minutes and it was fixed. I’m so terrified I’m going to lose her to the IT department. Or even another company. She’s the best assistant I’ve ever had,” she moaned.

“Um, what about the one you had before her?” I asked, meaning Lucah. We’d jokingly called him her “sexcretary,” but now he worked in a different department so they could date without getting in trouble.

“Oh, he was good, but he didn’t know how to code. That’s an invaluable skill at a tech company.” True story. Like sewing skills in the fashion world. I was sure there were plenty of designers who couldn’t sew and had somehow worked their way up, but it was rare. Your chances of becoming successful were much better if you could.

“I could learn how to code,” Ryder said. “I need more skills. All of the things I’m good at don’t make me employable.” Wasn’t that the truth? He and Rory had worked on his resume, but there wasn’t a whole lot to work on. His employment history wasn’t the best, and there was no way of sugarcoating that.

“How is your job, by the way?” Rory asked, finishing the last carrot. Ryder had gotten a part-time job busing tables at a local restaurant.

He shrugged. “It sucks ass. But money is money, I guess. And I don’t think I’m going to be working there forever.”

“So what do you want to do?” I asked.

He burst out laughing. “Fuck if I know. I always thought I wanted to be a rock star when I was little, but I pretty much suck at playing the guitar. My dumbass brother got all that talent,” he said, referring to Lucah, who could probably have a second career as a singer if he wanted. Boy had pipes.

“But you don’t have any idea?” I’d always known what I wanted to do. I couldn’t fathom someone who didn’t have at least some clue. How could you go through life without passion for something? Anything. I didn’t care what it was, but something.

He made a face. “Not really. Guess I should figure that out. My therapist is up my ass about it.”

I’d probably be reluctant to figure my shit out if a farting therapist was pestering me about it.

“Okay, we’re ready,” I said, interrupting any further discussion of the farting therapist. We got all the food together and set it on the dining table. I’d gotten custody of it when Rory had moved, which was good, since I’d been the one who picked it out. I wouldn’t let Rory leave me much else, though, since a lot of the furniture had been bought by her father. It was all super nice, and much too opulent for me.

Rory went down the hall to fetch Lucah, who I had the feeling was hiding until he had to come out. But when he finally joined us, he was much more upbeat and positive, and not nearly as surly or judgmental as he was just a day ago.

“You going to therapy tomorrow?” Lucah asked Ryder.

“Does a bear shit in the woods?” Ryder said. I snorted into my pasta.

“Hilarious,” Lucah said, but he was smiling.

“Yes, I’m going to therapy. You can stop asking. I’ll do my time,” Ryder said, making a face.

“This is really great, Sloane, as usual,” Rory said, changing the subject.

“It’s really great. I was skeptical, honestly. But it’s fucking amazing,” Ryder said.

“Thank you very fucking much,” I said, and he smiled at me in a way that made my stomach flip over like it hadn’t flipped in a very long time. Ryder made me feel like I was eleven again and had just discovered boys didn’t have cooties and were actually kind of nice and fun and made me feel things I didn’t understand and couldn’t put a name on.

“Are the fucks really necessary?” Lucah asked.

“Oh, come on. You’re perfectly happy to use it whenever you want,” Rory said, raising her eyebrows suggestively.

Lucah sighed and then smiled at her. “Yeah, I guess I can’t be the fuck police.”

“Fuck the police,” Ryder said. I didn’t know the details, but he’d definitely had his fair share of interactions with the law, which probably didn’t help in the job department.

“A-fucking-men,” Rory said, raising her glass. She’d broken out the wine, but Ryder had declined and gone with soda instead.

“Fuck yeah,” I said, raising my glass. The guys joined us and we all clinked our drinks together.

Lucah and Rory took the dishes to the sink to rinse them off, and I got out the gelato and bowls.

“Hey, LJ, remember when we used to eat ice cream out of the container and Mom would freak out?” Ryder asked. I almost laughed at the nickname Ryder had for Lucah.

Lucah didn’t turn around when Ryder said something to him, but his back stiffened. Both their parents had died in a fire, and I knew it was a sore subject for the both of them. More so for Lucah since he took on a lot of parental duties with Ryder, even though both of them were grown.

“Yeah,” Lucah said softly. “I do remember.” He and Ryder shared a look, and then the moment was over.

Rory cursed as she accidentally dropped a plate and Lucah sprang into action, making sure she didn’t cut her foot on any shards while Ryder got out the vacuum. The two guys cleaned up as Rory and I watched.

“Man, I should drop plates more often. This is great,” Rory said, patting Lucah on the back. “Thanks, Mr. Blythe.”

“No problem,” he said, throwing the broken plate bits into the trash as Ryder put away the vacuum.

“Thanks for everything again. I’ll buy you a new plate,” Rory said. I waved her off and said it was no big deal. I didn’t have a complete set of plates anyway.

“A game. Let’s play a game,” Lucah blurted out.

“Yeah, sure. We could do that. Cards Against Humanity?” I said. It was one of our favorite games to play together and was a guaranteed good time.

I had the feeling Lucah didn’t want me and Ryder to be alone much and was trying to be sneaky about it.

“Oooohhh, I love that game,” Rory said. “It makes me feel like a terrible person, but it’s so good.”

I got down the cards, and we headed to the living room. “Does anyone want coffee?” I asked, then I went to make some. Ryder came to “help” me.

“I think I can handle it,” I said, firing up the new machine. I’d splurged on it because it made the best coffee I’d ever tasted.

Ryder got down the cups and placed them on a tray. “I know. I just wanted to give you a hand anyway.”

Lucah and Rory were talking quietly, their heads close together. Hers a honey blonde, his carrot red. They were such a pretty couple.

“Well, thank you,” I said.

“You’re fucking welcome.” He grinned at me and I had to smile back.

“So, how’s the apartment?” I hadn’t seen the place, but reading between the lines, it was probably a dump. He couldn’t really afford anything decent in the city.

“It’s an absolute shithole, thanks for reminding me.”

“I was just making conversation, Ryder.” He didn’t have to be a dick about it.

He sighed. “Yeah, I know. Sorry about that. I’m not very good at thinking about what I’m going to say before I say it. But I’m working on it. I’m working on a lot of shit.” I could tell. He was trying.

“The place is . . . it’s a place to crash and not much else. But at least I can afford the rent without a roommate, and I don’t have to worry about someone showing up at my door and offering me stuff. I haven’t told anyone where I moved.”

I had no idea who Ryder used to hang out with and I wasn’t sure I wanted to know.

“That’s good,” I said, and the air filled with the scent of fresh coffee. I filled the cups and Ryder helped carry the tray over to the coffee table. I followed with creamer and a plate of little cookies I’d made a few days ago. I’d been in a baking mood for some reason lately.

Lucah handed out the cards and we started playing. Soon enough we were all laughing and having a raucous time. The game went long into the night, and by the time Rory was declared the winner, I was ready to fall into bed.

“Well, we should get going,” Rory said, poking Lucah, who gave her a look.

“One more round?” he asked hopefully.

“Christ, you can leave us alone together. For fucks sake,” Ryder said, tossing his cards in the box.

Lucah just sighed and got up. “I’m sorry,” he said. “Thank you for dinner, Sloane. If you want a break tomorrow, I’d be happy to order out.” I didn’t want a break from cooking, but I was craving sushi from my favorite place.

“That would be great,” I said.

Rory followed Lucah out the door. “’Night, guys,” I said. The door closed, and then it was just me and Ryder. I expected him to get up, but he pulled out some of the cards and started shuffling them, doing fancy tricks.

“Where did you learn to do that?” I asked, watching the cards fly from one of his hands to the other.

“Here and there.” He held one card up then moved his hand and made it disappear, then it reappeared with a snap of his fingers.

“Bravo!” I said, clapping my hands.

Ryder shrugged and put the cards back. “It’s no big deal. Something I used to do when I was a kid.”

I got up and took the empty cups to the kitchen, putting them in the dishwasher.

“Sloane?” Ryder said, and I nearly banged my head on the counter in surprise.

“Yeah?” I straightened up to find him watching me with a weird look on his face. I had no idea how to read that.

He opened his mouth to say something and then changed his mind. “Nothing. Have a good night. I’m going to head home. I have to work in the morning.”

I nodded. “Sure, yeah. Me too.” This was a strange way to end the evening, but I didn’t know what else to say.

“Okay, yeah. Well, goodnight,” he said again. This was awkward.

“Bye,” I said, and he headed out the door.

Weirdness.

I woke in the middle of the night thinking about Ryder. Well, specifically thinking about Ryder’s bod and how much I wanted to see all of it again. And touch it too. I hadn’t really gotten to do that last time.

Getting up, I went to the kitchen to get a glass of water. My body was hot and I was sweating. I turned the heat down and went back to bed, hoping to wipe the memory of naked Ryder from my brain, at least for the next few hours so I could get some sleep.

It didn’t work.

Despite being tired, my brain was awake and alert most of the night and wouldn’t stop thinking about Ryder. I’d try to think about something else, something soothing, and it would inevitably lead to him. I didn’t like it. I didn’t like that he occupied so much of my brain space. I needed that space for other things. Non-naked things.

In the morning I was not a happy camper. I almost felt bad for the people who had to work with me. I had two cups of coffee before going in, just to get myself functioning normally. Apparently the coffee wasn’t a miracle working because Inari immediately noticed.

“Whoa, are you okay?” Way to sugarcoat it, Inari. Thanks a lot. I glared at her. “I’m sorry! But you don’t look like your usual self,” she said.

I’d tried to put on extra under-eye concealer and had done a bold red lip to take the attention away from my tired eyes, but apparently it hadn’t worked as well as I’d hoped. I even had my favorite flippy black skirt on that made my legs look like they went on forever and that hadn’t even helped.

“I just had a bad night. Couldn’t sleep.”

Inari seemed confused. “But I thought that was normal for you.” My non-sleep habits were legendary at my studio.

“True, but I need at least four hours to be human. I probably got one.” If that.

“I’ll get you some coffee,” she said, and dashed away to the small kitchen in the corner of my studio. I needed to get a better coffeemaker in here, but I didn’t want to fork out a ton of money for something that my interns would probably break in five minutes.

As everyone filed in, they gave me one look and scurried away, getting right to their tasks. Man, I must really look like shit. I went to the bathroom and was horrified by my face in the mirror. Just one night of poor sleep and I looked like I could audition for The Walking Dead. The makeup hadn’t done what I needed it to do, so I swiped some more under my eyes and hoped for the best.

Ryder was really messing with my life.

I decided to spend my afternoon working on Rory’s dress. I had a million other things I should have been doing, but I needed to do something non-work related.

“What’s that?” Inari asked as I started pinning fabric to one of my dress forms. This was my favorite part of designing. Yes, I liked having an idea and seeing the end product, but watching it take shape and draping the fabric was the best.

“It’s for Rory.” My friends were well-known in my studio, and everyone knew their measurements in case of a fashion emergency.

“Nice.” I was using a bit of practice fabric I had kicking around.

“What color are you thinking?” she asked.

“I’m not sure. What do you think?”

Inari had met Rory a few times when she’d come to get other dresses fitted for various events. Having friends with rich parents who were often involved in charity work meant we all needed plenty of cocktail and formal attire.

“What about a rich blue? Like cerulean?” she said. I loved the names for colors. Chartreuse, oxblood, taupe, bistre.

“Mmmm, that would look really nice. And Lucah has blue eyes, so that would definitely work,” I said. Thinking about Lucah’s eyes made me think about Ryder’s eyes. Damn. I’d gone nearly ten minutes without thinking about him.

“And what were you thinking for the skirt?” I showed her the design.

“It’s going to be spectacular. Really amazing,” Inari said. Technically, since she was my assistant, part of her job was to kiss my ass, but I knew when she was sincere.

“Thanks. I really think she and Lucah will like it.”

“Need any help with it?” Inari asked. One of her favorite things ever was to go fabric shopping. I couldn’t blame her as it was one of my top five favorite things to do as well.

“Maybeeee,” I said, drawing the word out and giving her a smile.

“Please take me? Please?” She clasped her hands in front of her face and pouted. If I didn’t like her so much, I would have wanted to slap her.

“I suppose,” I said with a heavy sigh, as if she was asking me for a giant favor.

“Yes! You’re the best.” I wasn’t, and we both knew that.

“Okay!” I said, raising my voice so everyone would hear me. I sometimes climbed on the table to really make a point, but that didn’t seem necessary at the moment.

“I’m going out with Inari. Kelly is in charge. She will report back to me. And don’t think I’m above putting cameras in this place to make sure there aren’t any shenanigans. I’m watching you.” I took two fingers, pointed them at my eyes then pointed them around the room and made eye contact with each and every one of them.

Kelly gave me a “don’t make me be the bad guy” look, but I just shrugged. That was what you got for being in charge. You got to tell everyone else what to do, but then you also had to be the one who yelled at them when they didn’t do what they were supposed to be doing. Them’s the breaks.

Inari was practically bouncing over getting out of the studio for the afternoon. “Do you mind if I grab a new foot for my serger while we’re out? And I need some bias tape, more black lining, and some fabric glue.”

“As long as you use your own money and not mine,” I said. “I won’t tell anyone you used work time for personal business. I wouldn’t want you to get in trouble. I hear your boss is a bitch.”

We both laughed. It was true. I was a bitch.

The trip to the fabric store proved fruitful. They finally had some of the fabric I’d had on backorder for months. It was like damn Christmas. I almost leaped across the cutting counter and kissed the woman when she told me my fabric was in the back and that she’d bring it out so I could tell her how many yards I wanted cut.

Inari also found what she wanted and then some.

We were both loaded down and had to take a cab back to the studio. Everyone was quiet when we returned and I soon figured out why. There was a guy staring at the wall where I hung my sketches, his hands clasped behind his back, his head turned to the side.

“Who let him in?” I asked, dumping my load near the door. It was so heavy, and my arms were killing me. I should probably work out more or something. You never think about fabric being so heavy when it’s in the store.

No one would make eye contact with me, and Ryder finally turned around and smiled at me.

“Don’t blame anyone. I let myself in,” he said. I tried not to react to him, but it was a losing battle. I couldn’t fight my attraction to him any more than I could make the earth rotate backwards.

“Oh, do you have a key here now, too?” I asked. What the hell was he doing here? How did he even know where this place was?

“No. I just have my ways.” He looked over his shoulder at Vivien and winked. She giggled and dropped the glass of water she’d been holding. That figured. Ryder could pretty much get anything he wanted, anytime he wanted. Curse his sex appeal.

“Well, why don’t we go into my office?” I motioned with my hand and everyone watched as Ryder followed me through the door. He was quite the spectacle, and clearly enjoying every moment. Before I closed the door I turned around and glared at everyone who had been staring at Ryder’s ass. “Get back to work,” I snarled.

I slammed the door and turned to face him. “So, to what do I owe this honor?” He wasn’t paying attention to me. He was staring at the picture of me and Rory I had framed on my desk. It was from college and during a really bad hair phase for me.

I flipped the picture over to get his attention.

He snapped his eyes up to my face and smiled again. “This is a nice place you have here. And minions. You have minions.” He strolled around the small room, looking at everything. Ryder really had a problem with boundaries and personal space. And locks and doors.

“Um, yeah. But I’m pretty sure they’d be insulted if you called them that, so let’s just keep that between us.” He turned around.

“Are you done stalling in telling me why you’re here?”

He shrugged. “I wanted to see you. Got out of work and I was thinking about you, so I just decided to come by. See where you worked.”

It sounded so logical when he put it that way. “How did you know where to go?”

“Um, I listen when you talk? You told me where it was, remember?” Not really. I couldn’t even remember that conversation, but clearly he had.

He smirked. “Guess I have a better memory.” I had a great memory. But sometimes I got distracted from what he was saying because I was too busy staring at his lips or his eyes or his chest, or his everything. Hard to concentrate on the message when the package delivering it was so nice to look at.

“Yeah, well,” I said. Lame.

“Anyway, I was wondering if maybe you wanted to get something to eat. I know it’s early, but maybe we could have tea or something. Be fucking British for a day.” I wasn’t a huge fan of tea, but when it involved Ryder, I was game.

“Um, yeah. I guess. I have a ton of work to do, and I can’t be gone too long, but sure.” I tried not to sound too eager.

He treated me to a slow smile that did things to me.

“Fucking fantastic,” he said.

It was obvious, when I opened the door to my office so Ryder and I could leave, that everyone had been eavesdropping. The room was silent and no one wanted to make eye contact. Guess I couldn’t blame them. If an amazingly attractive man had showed up for someone else, I’d be intrigued. Especially since Ryder had that . . . thing. That edge of danger that you were wary of but fascinated by at the same time. It wasn’t just the scars and the tattoos and the way he walked, it was just . . . him.

I didn’t make an announcement, but I gave Inari a look before Ryder and I headed out the door. She was going to want full disclosure later.

“So, how was work?” I asked as we rode the elevator down to the first floor. My studio occupied the fifteenth floor of what used to be an old warehouse building. The rent was crazy expensive, even though the building was rundown, but I loved the wide open space and floor to ceiling windows. It wasn’t in the best neighborhood and you couldn’t find a decent cup of coffee for at least three blocks. Still, it was mine and I’d started my career here. I would always have mad love for this building.

“People come in, they eat, I take their dirty plates, I wash them. It’s a whole fucking cycle. But it makes me a productive member of society, whatever that means.”

I snorted. I’d thought the same thing myself. “I have no idea. Makes you sound like a bit of machinery instead of a person. A cog in the capitalist machine.” We reached the first floor and headed out the door.

“I don’t want to be a fucking cog, thank you very much,” he said.

“Me neither.” He looked up and down the street. “Where can you get a cup of tea around here?”

I made a face. “Tea? No idea. We’re going to have to walk or take a cab,” I said.

“Psh, let’s walk. Walking never hurt anyone. Unless you’ve got a broken leg or something.” Was he babbling? He kind of seemed nervous. “Sorry. It’s hard being sober.” Ah, so that was it. I had no idea how many times I’d interacted with him when he’d been high. Probably most of the time. But his personality couldn’t be that different when he was sober.

“Is it?” I asked. What a moronic question. I wanted to smack myself. But Ryder didn’t call me on it.

“Yeah. Harder than . . . well, harder than a lot of things.” I wouldn’t know. Apart from social drinking, I’d never experimented with any sort of substances. Well, pot a few times in college. But that was it. I hadn’t really liked the high feeling. Couldn’t see what all the fuss was about.

“But it’s worth it,” he said as we strolled up the street. At this rate it was going to take us forever to get to the café I had in mind.

“Yeah?” I asked.

“Yeah. I feel . . . clear. Open. For the first time in a long time. It’s good. I hope.” I didn’t feel qualified to offer advice on this particular subject. “The downside, though, is that I have to deal with all my shit instead of getting wasted. That’s the part that sucks ass.”

“Or you could just ignore stuff until it goes away. That’s what I do with something I don’t want to do.”

He chuckled. “Yeah, that’s another option. I’ll keep it in mind.”

We started to talk about other things. Ryder was always asking me about my new designs and what I was working on and so forth.

“Well, now I have to start organizing my show, so I need a venue and I have to hire models and a whole ton of other things. I’ll make Inari do most of the work, poor girl. But she’s much better at it than I am.” That girl could organize her way out of anything, which was why she made such a kickass assistant.

“Maybe that’s what I need. An assistant. Someone to do all the things I don’t want to do. How much would I have to pay someone to do that?” he asked.

I snorted. “A lot.” I paid Inari ridiculously well so she wouldn’t leave me because she definitely put up with a lot.

“Shit. I have negative dollars. Guess that’s not going to work.”

We finally reached the little shop which was crammed between a bodega and a pawn shop. Grungy on the outside, it was much larger than it looked once you got inside.

Ryder opened the door for me. “Ladies first,” he said with a bow. God, he was sexy. So damn sexy.

I walked in and headed for the counter to order. Ryder followed, standing so close to me, my back brushed his front. If I leaned back, I’d be tucked right under his chin. I wasn’t used to feeling that small, but Ryder and I were matched perfectly, height-wise anyway.

“What are you going to get?” he asked, leaning down and speaking in my ear. He hadn’t said anything dirty, but he might as well have. Heat radiated out from my body and I couldn’t think, let alone read the menu.

“What can I get you?” the teenage girl behind the counter asked me in a bored voice.

“Huh?” I said, too distracted by Ryder. I didn’t know if he was doing it on purpose, but it was driving me crazy anyway.

“What can I get you?” she repeated in a slow voice, as if I didn’t understand her.

“Oh, um,” I said, trying to get my words out. “Tea?”

“What kind?” she asked with a heavy sigh. I was really making her life difficult today.

“Earl Grey,” I said. It was the first thing that came to mind.

“Anything else?” she asked, punching the order into the register. I scanned the glass bakery case. They had cronuts. Score.

“And a cronut.”

I stepped aside to let Ryder order. Also to clear my brain out. He made it hard to think when he was standing that close.

“I’ll have the same,” he said, and she added his order. I reached into my purse for my credit card, but Ryder pushed it away and handed the girl cash.

“I got this,” he said. The tea and cronuts weren’t super expensive, but I knew money was tight for him right now. “Don’t even bother trying to protest. You won’t win. I’m fucking stubborn.” He winked at the girl, and her face went red. Oh, Ryder. He just couldn’t help it.

“Fine,” I said, putting my card away. “But I’ll get you next time.”

“Sure.” The girl gave Ryder his change back and dropped some of the coins and a few bills on the counter. She seemed more flustered than bored now.

“No worries,” Ryder said, giving her a smile and scooped everything up as she tried to help him. He dropped the lot in the tip jar and she thanked him.

“Buy yourself something nice.” She blushed again and stared at him until the next customer cleared their throat.

I walked to the other end of the counter to wait for our orders. “You’re shameless,” I said.

“What are you talking about?”

I rolled my eyes at him. “You know what I’m talking about. You flirt with everyone.”

“Do I?” He pretended to be surprised.

I smacked him in the chest. “Shut up, you know you do.”

“Huh. News to me.”

Our orders arrived and we sat at a tiny table near the window that was unoccupied. Ryder added tons of honey to his tea and spent a long time stirring it before he sipped. I had mine straight up.

“So, what the hell is a cronut?” he asked, staring at it like it was something poisonous.

“It’s a cross between a croissant and a donut. It’s a new thing.” I picked mine up and took a bite. I hated jumping on trendy bandwagons, but these things were delicious.

“Huh. What do you know? I guess I missed that one.” He picked his up and took a tentative bite, like a kid being asked to try Brussels sprouts for the first time. He chewed and thought about it before he swallowed. ”Fucking delicious.” He smiled and finished the thing in a few more bites.

“Thought so,” I said, eating my own cronut a little more slowly.

We sipped our tea, and I tried not to stare at Ryder, but he was definitely staring at me.

“Do I have something on my face?” I asked. I really hoped I didn’t have something on my face. How embarrassing.

“No. Just looking at you. You’re nice to look at. I can’t help it.” His words nearly knocked me over. He said it so casually.

“Oh.” I looked down into my tea and hoped my face wasn’t too red.

“I like it when you blush,” he said, finishing the last of his tea and setting the empty cup down.

“Hasn’t anyone ever told you it’s rude to stare?” I said, and I finally looked up. Yup, he was still staring.

“Yes. But, as you’ve noticed, I don’t exactly follow rules for normal social behavior.” Wasn’t that the truth? Ryder just sort of did whatever he wanted, regardless of what other people thought. It was one of the things I liked so much about him. Confidence is sexy.

“Hmm,” I said, finishing my tea.

Ryder sat back and stopped staring at me, watching the people walk by.

“Sometimes I just like to go to public places and watch people walk by. I try to guess what kind of lives they lead based on their clothes and how they walk. Do you ever do that?” His eyes came back to me.

“Sometimes. Mostly I just criticize their outfits.” Some people walked around like they dressed in the dark. Or had no fashion sense. Or both. It was a battle not to go up to them and give them a fashion intervention. Thankfully, I had all my friends trained and they had excellent taste in clothing. Or at least they did after I’d gone through their wardrobes and told them what to wear and what to never, ever wear again.

“I can imagine that. So, how about my outfit?” he said, holding his arms out and gesturing to his clothes. He had to know he looked good in his distressed jeans, black motorcycle boots and faded band t-shirt. Add to that the tattoos on his arms and his messy hair, and he was a sight to behold. A beautiful ginger sight.

“Fishing for compliments, are we?” I asked, folding my arms.

“No. I really want to know.” No he didn’t. The impish gleam in his eye told me that he was messing with me.

“You know you look good, Ryder. You don’t have to even try.” He’d look good no matter what he wore. Well, maybe not sandals and socks. But he’d probably rock those, too.

“Why thank you, S. Harris,” he said, bowing his head.

“You’re welcome R. Blythe.”

He chuckled and shifted in his seat. “Ready to go?” he asked.

“Sure,” I said, and we took our dishes to the counter and headed out of the little café.

I really didn’t want to go back to work, even though I was working on Rory’s dress.

“Walk you back to work?” Ryder asked, and I nodded. He lapsed into silence and I wondered if it was something I said or did, or if he was just being thoughtful.

“So, I have a question for you,” he finally said.

“Fire away.”

“How do you feel about art?”

I had no idea what this pertained to. I was going to need some more information before giving him a definite answer.

“Um, I like art. What kind are we talking about? Monet? Sculpture? Graffiti?”

He put his hands in his pockets as he walked. “Well, I was thinking that one of the guys I met at therapy is doing this art show. He uses trash and makes it into sculptures and shit. I’ve seen pictures, and the stuff is really neat. He invited me to his show opening on Friday night. I thought maybe we could go. If you wanted to.” He was back to being nervous.

I smiled and looked down at the sidewalk. “You mean as a date?” It couldn’t be a date. We’d just gotten through discussing all the reasons why we couldn’t date or do anything resembling dating.

“No. Can’t we just go to something without putting a label on it? Drives me crazy that two people of the opposite sex can’t go somewhere together without getting the third degree from everyone,” he said.

“Who’s everyone?”

He threw his arms up in the air in frustration. “People!”

“Jesus, calm down. I just asked you a question.”

He looked over at me. “Sorry. Things like that just piss me off. I can’t help it.”

I sighed. “I know what you mean. Um, sure. I’d love to go.” It sounded interesting and I’d get to see Ryder. Win, win.

“Great. How about if I just meet you there? Seeing as how I have no transportation at the moment. I’m saving up to get a bike, but I can’t really picture you on a motorcycle.”

“Why not?” Sure, I’d never been on one, but it wasn’t because I had anything against them. Motorcycles were sexy.

“The helmet might mess up your hair,” he said, bumping my shoulder with his.

“Hey! I am not a diva,” I said, bumping him back as he laughed at me.

We reached my building and stopped in front of the door. “The show starts at seven, so how about I meet you at 6:30 in front of the building? I’ll text you with the address.”

“Sounds good. Thanks for the tea and cronut. It was nice to get out of the studio. My interns drive me nucking futs.” Especially now since so many of them had quit.

He laughed again. “Oh, I’m sure you whip them right into shape.” He somehow made that sound dirty, and I looked away from him.

“Yeah, well. I should go in.” I pointed to the building. Ugh, I sounded like an idiot. I needed to go now before I said something else stupid. When Ryder was around, I tended to get tongue-tied.

“Okay, then. I guess I’ll see you for dinner tomorrow night?” he asked. Right. I forgot about the whole dinner thing.

“Yup.”

He held the door open for me. “See you then,” he said, and I stumbled my way into the building. He threw off my balance as well as making it hard to say words.

“Bye,” I said as the door closed behind me. I gave a dumb little wave through the glass, and Ryder just shook his head and walked away.

I mentally slapped myself and headed back to work.

“I’m going to this art show on Friday, so I can’t go out,” I said to Rory that night as I made dinner. Lucah had to stay late at the office for something, so Rory had come to hang out with me. I missed having her around all the time. I’d underestimated how much it would suck not having a roommate.

“What kind of art show?” she asked, grabbing an olive from the jar I had opened to add to the Greek pasta salad I was making as a side dish.

“Stop that!” I said, smacking her hand away as she went for another one. “Um, I’m not sure.” I wouldn’t have even told her about it, except that we had planned to go out to the bar and watch open mic night.

“Okayyyyy,” she said, drawing out the word and sitting back on her stool. “There is something you’re not telling me.” Oh, there was more than one something.

“Yeah, okay, so . . . Ryder invited me. It’s not a date. It’s just a thing that we’re both going to. As two people who are going to an event at the same place at the same time with no romantic intentions.”

She gave me a look that said she didn’t believe me.

“So, are you telling me, by the look on your face, that you don’t think Ryder and I can go to an event together without it being sexual?”

“Sloane. How many times have you told me you wanted to have sex with him?” A few. Hundreds. But that was before. I’m much more mature and have my head screwed on straight now. For the most part.

“That’s not the point. I can want to sleep with someone and still spend platonic time with them. Hell, the other day he said he didn’t think we should see each other at all. I’m not going to do something to screw that up. Clearly, he doesn’t want any sort of complications right now. I don’t want to mess up his life.” Not when he’d just started getting it back on track. I couldn’t ruin all his progress.

“Okay,” Rory said with a sigh. “I trust you. It’s him I don’t trust. He has that effect on you. I should know. I think it’s in the Blythe DNA.” She’d been completely unable to resist Lucah from the first moment she’d met him. I liked to think I had a little more self-control.

“It’ll be fine,” I said, dumping the olives onto the cutting board and roughly chopping them up to add to the chilled pasta.

“Are you sure about that?” She sipped her glass of wine, and I had to look away from her scrutiny. Rory had a way of seeing bullshit a mile away.

“Honestly? I’m not sure. But I’m going to try really hard to be good. Probably harder than I ever have before.” Most of the time I didn’t see the point in being “good” in the conventional sense. I’d always pretty much done what I wanted and so far things had worked out.

“I have faith in you,” Rory said, raising her glass to me. “Not so much in him, but don’t tell him I said that. And don’t tell Lucah I said that. Though he’d probably agree with me.”

I poured myself a glass of wine. I was definitely going to need it tonight.

“Well, he kept his hands to himself today. Other than invading my personal bubble and a few sexual comments, he was a complete gentleman.” A dirty gentleman. The best kind, in my opinion. He’d open the door for you, but ogle your ass as you walked through it.

“Wow. That must have taken terrific restraint for him.” We both laughed.

“Maybe he’s less sexual when he’s sober. Although I don’t know how many times he was on something when we interacted before and I’m not about to ask,” I said.

“Yeah, I’d definitely avoid mentioning anything to do with his former . . . hobbies.” Hobbies. That was the nicest way to put it. I never asked about his drug use. He’d ended up in the hospital with a pill overdose, but there was other stuff, too.

I told myself it didn’t matter when he looked at me and made me all tingly inside. But really? It did kind of matter. I mean, if he’d been smoking pot, that was one thing. Crack cocaine was something else altogether. I just didn’t see how he could go cold turkey if he’d been in that deep. I wanted to be positive and supportive, so I kept my mouth shut, which was kind of a first for me. I wasn’t used to censoring anything I said.

“That’s my plan.” We clinked our wine glasses together, and then there was a knock at the door.

“Speaking of gingers,” I said, going to answer the door. Lucah was standing on the other side, dark circles under his eyes.

“You look like shit,” I said as he walked in. Dude needed a glass of wine, so I went to get him one.

“Thanks.” He went to give Rory a kiss. “Hello, my love,” he said, smiling.

“Hello back,” she said.

I handed him a glass and he almost downed it in one gulp. “Rough day at work?” I asked.

Rory and Lucah shared a look. “You could say that,” he said. “We’re working on something top secret and it’s taking a hell of a lot of time and energy. Oh, remind me to thank Lilia tomorrow. She was extremely helpful today.”

“Will do,” she said. I tried not to feel like the third wheel as they talked about office politics and so forth. They didn’t get to talk as much during the day now since they didn’t work in the same department. It was known they were dating, but they liked to keep things on the down low anyway, which was probably smart.

Fortunately, I occupied myself with cooking, and Rory soon brought me back into the conversation.

“So how’s work going?” she asked.

I sighed. “I need more interns.”

“Didn’t you just hire a bunch?” Lucah asked, which earned him a sharp look from Rory.

“Yes, and they quit. I’m a bitch, apparently.”

Rory snorted into her glass of wine. “Sorry, but you are. It’s one of the things I love about you, but you are. Maybe try yelling less. Or positive reinforcement.”

I rolled my eyes and stirred the sauce I was making for the chicken baking in the oven. “They’re not puppies. I’m not trying to train them not to pee on the carpet.”

Lucah and Rory both laughed. “True. But a little bit of niceness can go a long way,” Rory said. I knew she was right, but I just had no patience for stupidity.

“I guess,” I said, grumbling.

Ryder didn’t breathe a word of our Friday night plans the next night at dinner. He also turned his flirt level way down, probably to throw off suspicion. It was a good plan, but I wished he’d let me in on it. I was so used to him flirting with me, I didn’t even know what to make of him not turning everything I said into something sexual.

“Well, I have to work in the morning, so I’m going to call it a night,” he said with an exaggerated yawn.

“It’s not even nine,” Lucah said.

Ryder shrugged and went to get his coat. “Yeah, but I want to get to bed early,” he said.

Rory gave me a WTF look, and I shrugged. I had no idea what he was talking about.

“Uh-huh,” Lucah said, but he didn’t seem convinced at all. “Well, that’s good, I guess.” He couldn’t really find fault with that.

“Thank you for a lovely evening and for the delicious meal, Sloane.”

“You’re welcome,” I said, and he gave me a wink before he headed out the door.

“Who the hell was that, and what did he do with your brother?” Rory asked.

“I have no idea,” Lucah said, and they both turned their attention to me.

“Hey,” I said, putting my arms up. “I’m just as baffled as you are.”

I hadn’t told Lucah about having tea and cronuts with Ryder, and he definitely didn’t know we were going to the art show the next night. I felt bad for putting Rory in the middle, but it was better he didn’t know. He was stressed enough already.

“I’d think he was using again, but I have no proof. He’s acting very strangely though. I wish I could call his therapist and ask him, but Ryder’s an adult, so he can’t give me any information.” He sighed and gathered up his and Rory’s dishes to bring to the sink. I sat down on the stool at the breakfast bar and leaned my head on my hand.

“Maybe he’s turning over a new leaf?” I said.

“Maybe. But I doubt it. I know my brother. He’s definitely up to something. When he was younger, he used to be perfectly behaved and helpful right before he got himself into a huge load of trouble. If he ever volunteered to do the dishes, Mom would know he was up to no good.” That sounded about right. Their brother, Tate, had given Lucah an album of family pictures, and Rory had showed it to me. There were a few of Ryder and he had that mischievous gleam in his eye from day one.

“Well, I don’t know anything,” I said.

“Hm. Maybe I should stop by his place?”

Rory shook her head. “You’re letting go, remember? It’s time for him to swim on his own,” she said, rinsing the plates before stacking them in the dishwasher. Lucah sat down next to me.

“More wine?” I asked. I had a few extra bottles for emergencies. He definitely looked like he needed it.

“Please. Good thing I don’t have to drive,” he said as I refilled his glass.

“We only have to stumble down the hallway,” Rory said with a grin.

“How’s April doing?” I asked, trying to change the topic away from Ryder by asking about Tate’s wife, who was pregnant with her third child. She already had two little girls and the new baby was somewhat of a surprise. I couldn’t even imagine having three kids under the age of five. I’d probably kill myself. I’d met her little girls, Gracie and Fiona, once and that was enough. I’d never fantasized about having kids. They seemed like way too much work and money for very little reward. And what if your kid turned out to be a serial killer? I’d like to avoid that if I could.

“She’s good. They’re finding out what it’s going to be soon. I know Tate is pulling for a boy, but April thinks it’s another girl.” Three girls, all two years apart in age. That was going to be so much fun when they were teenagers. Talk about hell.

I shuddered at the thought and Rory laughed.

“Don’t worry. I’m sure you won’t be forced to babysit.”

I could barely handle those kids with their parents standing a few feet away. One of them had nearly ripped my earring out of my ear. “Thank God for that,” I said, and Lucah smiled.

The dishes were put in the dishwasher, and then Lucah and Rory retreated to their apartment.

Once I was alone, I went to my closet and tried to pick out an outfit for the art show. It wasn’t a date, but I still wanted to look nice. I always wanted to look nice. I never left the house unless I was dressed to impress. Not even if I felt like shit.

I was going for casual. I didn’t want him to think I’d tried too hard with my outfit. I usually wore dresses, but decided to go with jeans instead. Nothing said casual like jeans. I had a new pair I’d made not that long ago that hadn’t made it out of my house yet. I pulled out some cute tops to pair with them and then grabbed some short boots. Simple enough. It was chilly enough to need a sweater, so I found a bulky one that definitely said casual.

I laid everything out and realized it was too casual. I looked like I was just lounging around the house. An art gallery opening was a nice affair.

“Shit,” I said, putting the clothes away again. This was going to require some more thought.

Why was it so easy to dress someone else, but when I tried to dress myself I had a hard time? What was that saying about those who can, do, and those who can’t, teach? I had that.

I went to take a shower and caught sight of my roots in the mirror. My hair was naturally a dull brown, but I dyed it black, and I was definitely overdue. Deciding it was a good way to spend the rest of my evening, I got out the dye supplies and an old towel, and got to work. I also trimmed my own hair. It was just easier that way. Then I didn’t have to worry about a stylist fucking it up. I only had myself to blame if something went wrong.

I told myself I wasn’t fixing my hair for Ryder. I was doing it for me. Because of my roots. Not for him.

I was excellent at lying to myself.

By the time Friday night rolled around, I felt like I was losing my mind. I’d gone through five outfit changes and finally settled on what I would have worn if this had been a date. A floor-length white dress that was Grecian-inspired and had black beading around the top which accentuated my chest. I paired it with black satin heels and added a black sparkly flower that held up part of my hair.

I had to cover it up with a wool coat, but I knew I’d still get the effect when I took the coat off. Ryder was waiting outside for me, wearing a flannel coat, hands in his pockets. It was dark, but I’d know him anywhere.

I walked up slowly, and when he spotted me he smiled.

“Hey,” he said. Oh shit, it was awkward already.

“Hey,” I replied, and we stared at each other for a second. I might have gone a bit too overboard on the makeup, because he was definitely staring a lot at my face.

He blinked a few times. “So, shall we?” he asked.

The building was made of old bricks and very unassuming on the outside, but it was lit well from within, and had a giant window that looked out on the street. Inside, various people milled around. I saw some with champagne flutes. Good, there would be booze.

“Sure,” I said, and he held the door open for me.

The gallery itself was perfect for displaying the art, with blond hardwood floors, white walls, and simple lighting.

The art was . . . crazy. Chaotic. Bright.

“Wow,” I said, looking at a piece near the front that was a sculpture made out of bicycle parts. It was so large you could walk under and around it to see it from different angles.

A man wearing a suit and carrying a tray offered us champagne, and I had to fight the urge to double fist, but I took just one glass.

“What do you think?” Ryder asked as we walked by a giant piece that, on closer inspection, seemed to be made from pages of magazines. Some of them were the kind with nudity. They were slapped on a canvas in a haphazard way. On further inspection, though, it did make sense. Sort of.

Soft piano music played, at odds with the cacophony of the art.

The next few sculptures were made from old cans, bottles, and wine corks. And then we got to one that I had to look at twice.

“Are those?”

“Yep,” Ryder said, reading the card under the canvas.

It was a collage. Of condom wrappers. Ripped condom wrappers.

“I wanted to use old condoms, but figured that might not be sanitary,” a voice said behind us as we leaned in close to inspect the condom collage.

I turned to find a guy with an impressive black moustache that must have been waxed recently, platinum blonde hair, and a septum piercing in his nose.

“Hey, man. The place looks fantastic,” Ryder said, giving the guy a hug. “Sloane, this is the artist, Gilbert Cunningham.”

Gilbert held his hand out. “Gil,” he said as we shook. He had the undeniable air of cool that only a few people can pull off. It was a mix of confidence and knowing exactly who you are and what you want the world to see about you.

“Nice to meet you, your stuff is great.”

He nodded his head in my direction. “Why thank you, lovely lady. You never know how your work is going to be received. It’s nice to hear someone else gets it.” Well, I didn’t know if I “got it,” but it was cool.

Someone called Gil’s name and he excused himself.

“You’ve got cool friends, Ryder. I like him.” We wandered some more around the gallery then finally made it to the food table. I was starving.

“I always wished I was good at art, or at something,” Ryder said, popping a stuffed mushroom into his mouth.

“But if you’re really good at something, then you kind of have to do it. There’s not a whole lot of choice.” I’d always loved clothes and fashion, and known that was what I’d go into when I grew up. But I’d always wondered what I would have done if I wasn’t good at that. That would have been exciting. An adventure.

“But if you’re good at nothing? Now that’s a bitch,” Ryder said, stealing the last mushroom off the tiny plate I’d been holding.

“You’re not good at nothing, Ryder. I’m sure you have many talents that you just haven’t discovered yet.”

He wiggled his eyebrows at me. “Oh, yeah? You want to try discovering with me?”

I was taken aback by the comment and gave him a puzzled look. “I thought you weren’t going to be like that tonight. That’s something a person on a date might say,” I said, grabbing a few more of the mushrooms.

“Huh. Guess I couldn’t do it anymore. That dinner the other night? That was brutal.”

“Oh, really? So that was all an act?”

“Yup. How’d I do?”

I snorted into my champagne. I was starting to get a bit tipsy. “Well, seeing as how your brother didn’t buy it for a second, I’d say you need more acting lessons.”

“Really? Shit. Guess that’s out as a career choice.” Definitely. He ran his hand down the side of his face, one finger tracing his scar. I’d never asked him about it. There were a lot of things I never asked Ryder about.

“Yeah, it was a nice try. But you definitely failed. So I wouldn’t even bother in the future.” Plus, I liked him flirting with me.

“Oh, I see. So you like when I flirt with you?” Crap. I didn’t mean to make it sound like that.

“No, but you not flirting with anyone is weird. You flirt with everyone.”

He threw his head back and laughed. “Yeah, I do.”

I shook my head at him and stuffed my face with tiny hors d’oeuvres as we wandered through the rest of the gallery. I liked going through twice so I made sure that I saw everything. Plus, I wanted this to last as long as possible, this not-a-date thing with Ryder.

We made three rounds of the gallery, stopping to chat with Gil about his work. He talked about how he found all the objects for his show at junkyards and told stories about his adventures in dump picking and dumpster diving. He was called away again, and I wondered if we should call it a night.

“Hey, so there’s this really cool bar just down the street from here. They serve desserts and booze, and it’s really cool inside. A guy I work with sometimes tends bar there. Want to go?” Booze and cupcakes? Fucking fantastic.

“Sure,” I said, not wanting to sound too eager, which wasn’t easy. I didn’t know if Ryder should really be going into a bar. His face fell, and he handed me my coat then put his on.

“Yeah, sure. No problem. You’re probably right.”

Shit. I didn’t want him to think I didn’t want to hang out with him. “No, it’s not that I don’t want to. I just wasn’t sure how you’d feel about going into a bar.” I hated saying that, but it had to be said.

“It’s fine. I’ll just have water or soda. I was never much into booze anyway. And I’ve already had one glass of champagne. I was always more of a social drinker.” He sounded convincing, and from what I’d seen, he was a social drinker. I was the one who suggested shots at the ball and he’d just agreed.

“Okay, cool. Lead the way then.” We headed outside, and I pulled my coat close to keep me warm. The wind howled between the buildings, stirring up trash and tossing it around.

The bar was hopping, and we had to squeeze through the door to even get in. It was so loud I had to yell at Ryder to show him where two barstools were being vacated so we could grab them.

He lunged in front of a few people and got the stools. “Score.” He smacked his hand on the bar, and a woman in a frilly dress with her hair done like a 40s pinup girl with red lipstick to match skipped over.

“What can I get you?” she asked, and handed us menus. Ryder hadn’t lied to me. It was literally a bar and a bakery in the same building.

“I’ll have a club soda, and she’ll have . . .” Ryder trailed off, pointing to me.

“Bellini,” I yelled over the noise. It seemed appropriate since I’d been drinking champagne earlier. I liked to try and keep to the same kind of alcohol. The ball was an exception that I didn’t want to repeat.

“Be right back,” she said, and headed off to make my drink. I studied the menu in the dim light.

“This place is awesome,” I said to Ryder. Old phonographs adorned the walls, and the lights looked as if they were made from old copper pipes twisted around one another.

“I knew you’d like it,” he yelled back. “I’ve never eaten here, so I can’t speak for the food, but it looks pretty amazing.” A waitress with a tray of spectacular confections walked by.

“I. Want. Everything.” Seriously. The whole freaking menu.

“Well, you figure out what you want, and I’ll get your second and third choice, and we can share. If you’re cool with sharing with me, that is.” He gave me a sideways grin that made me forget for a moment about cupcakes.

“I can share,” I said. Actually, I was terrible at sharing, but I was going to make an exception.

The bartender came back with our drinks and set them in front of us. “What can I get you?” she asked.

I ordered the Oreo cookie cupcake, and one called Peanut Butter Heaven. I made Ryder order the Red Velvet and the Triple Chocolate (which was chocolate cake, filled with chocolate with chocolate frosting. Guaranteed to cause a Chocoma).

“I’ll get those right in for you,” she said, and headed to punch in our orders.

“Thank you for that. Was there anything you wanted?” Shit, I should have asked, but I was too involved with figuring out what I wanted. Oops.

“I’ll just eat whatever you don’t want. I’m not picky.” That was true. He never turned down anything I made for dinner, and he always finished everything.

“You’re one of those guys,” I said.

“What does that mean?”

“One of those guys who will pretty much eat anything that’s dead or seriously slowed down.”

He laughed and the sound rang out over the noise around us. “I guess that’s true. But your food is better than most food. I’d eat anything you made.” God, that sounded seriously dirty, but that was probably just me.

“Well, I’ll take that as a compliment,” I said, sipping my bellini. It was damn good.

Ryder sipped his club soda. “Ah, it’s not the same, but it’ll do. I’ve got to get used to living the sober life. I won’t even let myself smoke. It’s fucking hard.”

“Yeah? How’s everything else going?”

He set his drink down and made a face at it. “It’s going. Work is shit. Therapy sucks. Actually, it’s not that bad. I mean, I hate talking about myself and my inner feelings and all that, but it’s good. It’s like I always have this stuff bouncing around in my head and I have to get it out or else it poisons me. You know?”

I nodded. “Sometimes I can’t sleep at all, and I spend the whole night making the bad thoughts in my head into dresses. I’ve never made them, I just draw them. When I was a kid, I used to draw my nightmares. It made them lose their power to scare me.” Ryder studied me for a long time, and I tried not to fidget.

“You’re staring at me again,” I said.

“I know. I can’t help it. You’re an interesting and extraordinary person.” Well, I wouldn’t go that far.

Our cupcakes arrived and distracted both of us.

“Fuck me gently with a chainsaw, this is so good,” I said as I took a bite of the Oreo cookie. All of the cupcakes here were filled with extra frosting, so it oozed out when you bit into it.

“Holy shit,” Ryder said, taking a bite of the Red Velvet. He got frosting on his nose, and I laughed.

“You’ve got a little something on your nose,” I said.

“Get it for me?” he asked. I thought about wiping it with a napkin, but used my finger instead.

“Thanks,” he said.

“No problem.” We went back to our cupcakes, and I considered ordering more because they were just so damn good.

“Life will never be the same,” I said. “This is all your fault. Now I’m going to be addicted to this place, and I will have no money because I spent it all on cupcakes. I’m going to get so fat. Are you happy now?” I asked, scraping the last of the bits of cupcake off my plate. I thought about licking the crumbs, but that seemed like a bad idea in public.

“You know, I think they deliver,” he said, wiping his face with a napkin.

“Shut the fuck up right now. You are kidding.”

He held up the menu and pointed to the part that said they delivered anywhere in the city.

“You bastard,” I said, grabbing the menu from him and typing the number into my phone so I could use it to call anytime I wanted cupcakes, which would be always.

“How about I buy you another round? Drinks and cupcakes.”

I shook my head. “No, you bought the tea and cronuts. It’s my turn to pay for something.”

He sighed heavily.

“If this was a date, which it isn’t, you could pay. But it’s not a date. So you lose, fire crotch,” I said.

He choked on his seltzer water and sprayed it over the bar. That earned him nasty looks from those around us, but the bartender just handed us a stack of napkins with a smile.

“You two are cute together,” she said.

“Who, us?” I asked.

“Yes, you. How long have you been together?”

I looked at Ryder, wondering how we should handle this. He just put his arm around me and turned toward the bartender.

“Three months,” he said. “It’s our anniversary.” The fuck? I gave him a stunned look and he just winked at me.

“Isn’t that right, baby?” Ugh. I hated it when guys called their girlfriends baby. It was so degrading. Or at least I’d thought it was degrading. But that was before Ryder called me baby and it made me feel all giggly.

He squeezed my shoulder, as if asking me to play along. Oh, what the hell.

“That’s right, sweetie. Three glorious months.” I smiled at the bartender, and she leaned in so she wouldn’t be overheard.

“How about I bring you something special? On the house.”

“Um, sure,” I said. “That’s so nice of you.”

“Really, thank you,” Ryder added.

She waved off the thanks. “It’s nothing. I’m just a fan of people in love. I think it should be celebrated, especially with cupcakes. I’ll be right back.”

She vanished and came back a few moments later with a cupcake that was so large, it was the size of three normal cupcakes. There was something stuck in it that she lighted which turned out to be a small sparkler.

“Congratulations,” she said, and then headed off to take more orders. The people around us all stared.

“They probably think it’s one of our birthdays,” I said to Ryder.

“Probably. We should blow that out before it sets something on fire.” He had a good point. He picked up the sparkler and doused it in the rest of his seltzer water.

“That’s one way to do it,” I said, and picked up my fork. The cupcake was vanilla with a creamy white marshmallow frosting, and it was filled with what was almost like raw cake batter with sprinkles.

“How is it?” Ryder asked, watching me as I chewed and swallowed with relish.

“Have a bite and see,” I said, pointing to his fork.

He did and banged his fist on the table. “Damn, that is good.”

We slowly ate the rest of the giant cupcake. Good thing I didn’t eat dinner or else I might not have managed it. I finished my third bellini and leaned over on the bar. It was probably dirty, but I didn’t care.

“You happy we came here?” he asked, pushing aside the now-empty plate.

“Happy. Full of cake. Same thing.”

“Agreed.”

It took us a long time to get out of the bar/bakery. Mostly because I refused to move.

“Come on, lean on me,” Ryder said, putting his arm around my waist and hauling me out the door. It was freezing when we got outside.

“Can we please take a cab?” The nearest T station was too far to walk in conditions like this.

“Sure.” He held his arm up, and fortunately there was one passing at that exact moment.

Ryder got me in first and slid in after me as he told the driver my address.

“What about you?” I asked.

“I want to make sure you get home first.” Aww. How sweet. Like we were on a date. Which we were not.

I leaned against him and then realized I shouldn’t be doing that, and leaned the other way, up against the door of the cab.

“Do I smell?” Yes, he did. Really, really good.

“No, I just figured I shouldn’t be snuggling up with you. You know, since this isn’t a date.” I didn’t mean to sound bitter, but that was how it came out. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to jump on you. I’m fine with the whole no-date thing. This was a really nice night.”

“It was,” he said, and looked off through the window at the traffic outside. “And I’m glad you agreed to come with me. I don’t have a whole lot of people to hang out with right now.”

I knew part of the whole recovery process was letting go of your former life, and that included former friends. Not that Ryder’s friends had been anyone special. They’d fucking bailed on him when he was in the hospital. Just dumped his stuff and hadn’t even stayed to see how he was doing. Assholes.

“Well, you can call me a friend, if you want. And you have your brother and Rory. And Tate and April. And Gil now. He seemed pretty cool.”

He leaned his head back and looked up at the roof of the cab. “I guess. It’s just hard to change your life overnight like that. It takes a lot of work. You can’t just flip a switch.” Was he second-guessing his sobriety?

“Yeah, I can imagine that it’s tough. You’re not thinking about backtracking though, right?”

He shook his head slowly and looked back at me. “No. Because then I’d have to redo all of this, and I’d rather fucking die than start over and go through the shit I’ve been through. Again. Sorry, I don’t mean to keep bringing it up. It’s just always on my mind. Sometimes it’s all I can think about.” He cracked his knuckles and the cabbie turned up the sports radio station he was listening to.

“I don’t know much about that, but I would guess that maybe it just takes time.” I hated not knowing what to say.

“It’s okay. You don’t have to try and make me feel better. It’s actually kind of nice to talk to someone who doesn’t sound like a motivational poster. I feel more . . . normal with you. You make me forget about everything else.” His words coupled with him looking at me made me blush, and I was grateful for the darkness.

“I’m not sure what to say to that, so thank you. I guess.”

“It’s a compliment, I promise,” he said, and the car pulled up in front of my apartment. I got out, and so did Ryder.

“Aren’t you going back to your place?”

“I am, but I think I’m going to walk. See the city for a little while.” It was nearly midnight, and I wasn’t sure how safe walking around alone was, but I had the feeling Ryder could take care of himself.

“Are you sure?” I leaned in to pay the cabbie and gave him a generous tip that he didn’t even thank me for. Jerk. The car pulled away, and I was left on the freezing sidewalk with Ryder. I wanted this moment to last, but it was so damn cold.

“Are you sure you don’t want to come inside for a minute to get warm? I could send you on your way with some coffee or something.” I didn’t want this night to end. This might be the only one we ever got like this.

“No, no. Go inside, it’s cold. I’ll see you for dinner tomorrow, okay?” I nodded, and he took a few steps backward.

“See you later, Sloane,” he said with a smile. He told me once he didn’t believe in saying goodbyes. That they were too much like endings. He always came up with something else to say that was better.

“See you later, Ryder.” I watched him walk away, shoulders hunched against the cold and his hands in his pockets.

“So there was no sex? No kissing? He didn’t even cop a feel?” Rory asked the next afternoon. We were having brunch and some much-needed girl time. I suspected Lucah was off checking on Ryder since he had been vague about his own plans.

“Nope. He just took me to an art gallery and then fed me cupcakes. He’s such a monster.” I rolled my eyes and took a bite of my quiche Lorraine. It wasn’t as good as I could make it, but it was passable. Needed nutmeg.

Rory sighed. “Oh come on, I didn’t mean it like that, and you know it. I’m just surprised, is all. He’s usually so sexual. I didn’t know he could actually turn it off and be a gentleman.”

“Well, he didn’t change completely. He was still a little dirty. Just the way I like it.”

Rory sighed and ate her French toast. She was more than used to me by now.

“Well, I hope this isn’t going to become a thing, because I can’t lie to Lucah.”

I’d thought about that and I felt horrible for putting her in the middle. “Yeah, I know. I don’t think it’s going to happen again. It felt . . . final when we left each other. You don’t have anything to worry about.”

She visibly relaxed. “Oh, good. I know Lucah was all Mr. Super Corporate Spy, but I absolutely suck at lying to him now. Must be that stupid love thing.” She said the last part with a smile and looked down at the ring on her left hand.

“That stupid love thing,” I said. I hadn’t experienced that stupid love thing in a while. I told myself I wasn’t experiencing it now. I couldn’t be in love with Ryder. It was much more of an infatuation. Chemistry and sex appeal. Lust in all its glory.

“Yeah. Stupid boys who make us fall in love with them. What the hell is that about?” she said, looking back at me.

“No idea. They should really make a pill to cure that.”

“Agreed. Science is really letting us down.”

“I’ll drink to that,” I said, raising my orange juice. I was going to take it easy today, even though I hadn’t had that many drinks last night.

“Cheers.” We clinked our glasses together.

“So, I’m going to start your dress, probably tomorrow or Monday. It makes more sense to work on it when the studio isn’t filled with needy people.”

I worked there a lot when no one else was around as it gave me a sense of peace. It reminded me of the days when I didn’t have all those employees and interns, and was just renting an absolutely tiny studio that had heat that was always on the fritz and a leaky spot in the roof.

Rory’s eyes lit up. “I’m so excited. I’ve got a lot of things planned for him. Some of them sexual, some of them not.” Rory and Lucah could barely keep their hands off each other, even during working hours. Lady Lust had them tight in her grip.

“Tell me,” I said. She laid out her plans, complete with scotch, her favorite pair of red pumps, a playlist of all their songs, and a whole lot of nudity. I approved of this plan.

“I think it’s time I wore my sexcretary cap again,” she said, wiggling her eyebrows.

“Oh yeah? Are you going to take his memo?” We both snorted and got looks from the people around us who apparently wanted it quiet while they had brunch. I resisted the urge to stick my tongue out at everyone.

“As long as he gives me a memo in return,” she said. I loved it when we made dirty office jokes.

We kept that going for a while then ended up going back to her place and having a John Hughes movie marathon with some cookies I’d baked the other day.

“I miss this. We need to do more stuff like this,” Rory said as she pulled her feet up under her blanket.

“We do. I miss having you around.” I was getting better at, you know, respecting her privacy. I used to just let myself in. But now I knocked and waited for someone to open the door. Still had my key though. For emergencies.

“Maybe we should buy adjoining apartments,” I suggested. “Then I wouldn’t even need a key.”

“Yeah, that would be great,” she said, her voice dripping with sarcasm.

“Hey, if we bought a building then we could move Chloe and Marisol in and then it would be like a sleepover every night,” I said. How fun would that be?

“Um, yeah. Sleepovers when you’re in your mid-twenties are totally normal.”

“Hey, we have sleepovers all the time,” I said.

“Those times when we get too drunk to go home and pass out on each other’s couches don’t count.” They so counted. Anything that involved a group of people spending the night at another person’s house and there was sleeping involved counted as a sleepover. I started to argue my point and Rory argued back, and pretty soon we were throwing cookies at each other.

“Whoa, don’t waste perfectly good food,” Lucah said as he came in. Rory hopped off the couch to give him a kiss. They always acted like they hadn’t seen each other in years when they reunited. It was kind of sweet, actually.

“We didn’t waste them,” Rory said, picking up one of the cookies that had fallen onto the blanket and munching on it. “See?”

I definitely wasn’t going to eat the ones on the floor, but the cookies that were lost on the blankets were fair game.

“Still.” He grabbed another cookie and ate it. “What have you lovely ladies been up to today?”

“Brunch and then back here. You up for a John Hughes marathon? We’re starting The Breakfast Club in a few minutes.” We’d just finished Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and were taking a break before starting the next movie.

“Um, I think I’ll pass for now. If I play for a while will that bother you?” Lucah had gotten all the musical talent Ryder supposedly lacked and could play a mean acoustic guitar, which he often exhibited during open mic nights.

“Not at all. Sloane?” Rory asked.

“Nope. Play away.” He usually kept the door nearly all the way closed, but open enough so Rory could hear. We might as well not even bother with the movie. She was going to be too busy listening to him the whole time with a dreamy look on her face.

Lucah headed to the small room off the kitchen where he kept his guitar. He started out with strumming a few chords then played a few of his favorites, including a slow acoustic version of “Total Eclipse of the Heart.” It sounded lame but was impressive when you really listened.

Rory sighed in contentment. “I really love him,” she said.

“I know.” It was crazy obvious to anyone with eyeballs.

“I can’t imagine my life without him. I don’t want to.” Well, they were almost engaged now, so she wouldn’t have to.

“It’s scary though. Loving someone that much.”

I could imagine.

“I bet.”

“I mean, what if he decides he doesn’t want to be with me anymore?” She lowered her voice so that even if Lucah was trying to overhear us, he couldn’t above the sound of his guitar.

“He would never. He’s so in love with you, Rory.”

“I know, I know. But still. I wonder how I’d be able to pick up the pieces.”

I leaned over and gave her a hug. “You’re meant to be, Ror. I know that.”

She gave me a smile, knowing there were plenty of chances that she and Lucah wouldn’t work out, and there was nothing anyone could say to change that. They would either sink or swim, and sometimes outside forces ended a relationship. Sometimes before it even begun.

“He’s having a rough time at work,” she whispered. “He’s been crazy stressed with developing all these new programs. Our stock has dropped, so there’s this enormous pressure to come out with something new. He has a whole team that’s working on it, but he takes on so much. Since he’s not doing the whole corporate espionage thing anymore, he wants to make this work.” I didn’t have any advice to offer there either, but I listened as she told me how she was stressed because he was stressed, and how they were both stressing each other out.

“It’s like a vicious cycle. I keep waiting for one of us to fly off the handle.” She did seem tightly wound lately. More so than usual, and that was saying a lot.

“Maybe you should take up yoga or something. I know Chloe could get you into a class at the spa.” Plus, she got us in for free.

“Yeah, that’s an idea. But I’m not sure I’m feeling very zen or bendy right now,” she said, making a face. “But I have to admit, I definitely want to see Lucah doing some of those poses. Mmmm . . .” She looked over at the partially open door where Lucah was singing “I Touch Myself.” We both started laughing.

“I think he’s trying to tell you something,” I said, and she rolled her eyes.

“Hey, I leave him plenty satisfied.” I knew she did. One of the reasons they were such a good match was that their libidos were so in sync. Such an important part of a relationship.

“That’s my girl,” I said, tickling the bottom of her foot until she squealed.

“Everything okay out here?” Lucah called.

“Yup. All good,” I said.

“Just keep singing, LJ,” she said. “We’ll pay you in cookies.” He stuck his head out and she held up the plate of cookies.

“I really wish Ryder wouldn’t have told you about that nickname,” he said, shaking his head.

“Aw, you love it,” Rory said. He got up, set his guitar down and came to give her a kiss before going back to playing, but this time, he left the door open and started playing “Boom Clap” so we could dance. Which we did.

“We’re so mature,” she said as we danced in front of the door and Lucah laughed at us.

“If by mature you mean awesome, then yes, we are,” I said, taking her arm and spinning her around. We even did a lift that made Lucah look up.

“Next time we go to the lake, we should totally try the Dirty Dancing lift,” I said.

“Only this time you hopefully won’t throw your back out,” she said. I winced at the memory. That had happened last summer at her parents’ cabin in Maine. We’d tried to get all our friends to go up this summer, but it hadn’t happened and now it was way too cold to swim.

“Yeah, I’d like to avoid the emergency chiropractic care,” I said. We both burst out laughing as we remembered what an adventure that had been.

“Is this one of those stories you’re going to share?” Lucah asked, playing softer.

“Oh my God, I don’t know if I want you to know that story. It might be one of those things I don’t want my boyfriend to know,” Rory said, but then shook her head.

“I mean, pre-fiancé. That’s what we’ve decided to call it,” she said to me.

“Makes sense. But why don’t you just . . . get engaged and get it over with?” I asked.

Rory and Lucah shared a look. “We’re just waiting until things are . . . more stable with work and everything. Because the minute we share that we’re engaged, it’s all over. My mom will start planning shit, and we’ll get all these questions. I just don’t know if I’m ready for all that,” she said. I could definitely understand where she was coming from. I didn’t blame her one bit.

“And I'm just thrilled she wants to be with me at all,” Lucah said.

“Aw, of course I want to be with you. Who wouldn’t want to be with you?” Rory said. They were getting a coupley again and it made me feel like a third wheel.

“Yes, but I don’t want anyone but you, Miss Clarke,” Lucah said, sticking his tongue out at her. He had the metal barbell in today. Usually he wore a clear one that wouldn’t show when he was at work.

“Don’t do that to me. That’s not fair,” she said, staring at his tongue as he slipped it back into his mouth and gave her a wink. I sensed that it might be time for me to head back to my own apartment.

“Well, I think I’m going to go get started on your dress,” I lied. I didn’t have any of the materials at home with me, but Rory and Lucah didn’t need to know that. I was always working on something. Lately, I’d been thinking of making some things for Ryder. His jeans were always torn, and not on purpose. I had his measurements, and I’d already made him a suit. Might as well complete the wardrobe. And I figured he couldn’t refuse them, since I’d made them specifically for him.

“Okay,” Rory said as she drew closer to Lucah. Yup, definitely time for me to go.

“See you later,” I called as I shut the door, but neither of them was paying attention to me. I headed back down the hall shaking my head at them. No way those two were breaking up. Some people were just meant to be.

I went a little overboard on Ryder’s clothes. But to be fair, I hadn’t been sleeping much, so I had extra hours in my day. I also had a lot on my mind, so I needed something easy to think about. I hadn’t really talked to him since the night we’d gone out. Things had been somewhat awkward during dinners. He wasn’t ignoring me, but he continued to treat me like I was someone he wasn’t sexually attracted to. So I called him the next Saturday.

“I have something for you.”

“Oh, really?” he said, clearly interested.

“Yup. Want to come over and see?” I knew what he would assume the surprise was, and I kind of wanted to lead him along for a little bit.

“Is that really wise?”

Of course he thought it was about sex, or something sex-related.

“It has nothing to do with me, or me getting naked,” I said.

“You didn’t answer my question,” he said. I was enjoying this a little too much.

“Only because it’s not what you think it is. Just come over and see. I swear, it’s nothing sexual. I just . . . I made something for you.” A lot of somethings, including jeans, slacks, shirts, and a jacket. But it was fun to experiment with menswear. I didn’t usually get to try that, so it was interesting working with different proportions and cuts.

“You made me something?” he asked.

“Yeah. Come on, you know you’re curious.”

“It’s not a sexy little lace number is it? Because I don’t think lace really works for me,” he said, and I laughed.

“Nope, no lace involved. But you’ll have to come and see to make absolutely sure. I’m not giving you any details.”

He sighed. “How about we meet at your studio?”

I tried not to feel disappointed but failed.

“Yeah, we could do that.” I’d have to take a cab there to carry everything, but I couldn’t blame him for wanting to meet on somewhat neutral territory.

“Great, see you in like an hour?”

“Fucking fantastic,” I said, and then we hung up.

I packed all the clothes in garment bags and in one of my suitcases. I’d have to steam and iron some of them when I got there, but I had time.

The studio was blissfully empty when I arrived. Sometimes Inari came on weekends to finish things and do extra work. She was like one of those elves that came in during the night and finished what others hadn’t bothered to.

I got everything all set up, including putting the dress forms in complete outfits and lining them up near the mirror so he could get the full effect. I didn’t have shoes, which was a pain, but I didn’t fancy becoming a cobbler. That was a whole other kind of thing that I didn’t have experience with.

He rang the bell, even though I’d left the door unlocked.

“Hey,” I said, rolling the door open. It was one of those industrial metal things and not so easy to push, but I managed.

“I would have helped you,” he said when I finally got it open.

“Nah, I can manage. I’m a big girl.” I crooked my finger at him and led him over to where his new wardrobe was on display.

“This? This is the surprise?” he said. “Is it just the pants? Or the shirts, or . . .” He trailed off as he walked around the dress forms and looked at the clothes.

“All of it,” I said. “Sorry there aren’t any shoes, but I figured you could supply those on your own.” I hurried to get rid of a stray thread on one of the shirts.

“Sloane,” Ryder said in a way that made me look up. Now that I was showing him the clothes, I was embarrassed. Who did this? Who made an entire wardrobe for someone they were just sort of friends with? Sometimes I took things too far. This was definitely one of those times.

“Yeah?” I said, waiting for him to tell me what he thought.

“This is crazy.”

“I know,” I said, looking down, wishing I could hide my red face. Ugh, I’d really missed the mark on this one. Totally and completely.

“Hey,” he said, stepping around one of the dress forms and coming to stand in front of me. I wouldn’t look up, so he put his hand under my chin and tilted my face up.

“I’m sorry. I can, um, undo it all,” I said. I could rip the stitches out and reuse the fabric and . . .

“Hey,” he said, his voice softer as he looked down into my eyes. I couldn’t help but notice that I’d exactly matched one of the shirts to the color of his irises. Accidentally on purpose.

“Yeah?”

“It’s amazing, Sloane. Crazy amazing. I just . . . I can’t even imagine how much this costs, let alone the time it took you to make everything. No one but my mother has ever done anything like this for me.” He was totally serious. No jokes. No innuendos.

“Really?”

“Really. I can’t even believe this,” he said, finally letting go of my face and stepping back. “I don’t even think I can wear them. I’d be too afraid to get something on them.”

“That’s okay. There’s this fantastic thing called a washing machine and it takes the stains out of clothes,” I said, and he stuck his tongue out at me. Being the more rebellious of the three brothers, I expected him to be the one with the pierced tongue. But alas. Still, there were a lot of things he could still do with it.

I had to shake myself and get back to the clothes and get my mind out of the gutter.

“Ha-ha. I know how to wash clothes, but I’m still scared I’m going to ruin them.”

I rolled my eyes and started stripping one of the dress forms.

“Get behind the curtain and strip,” I said, tossing him a shirt and a pair of pants. I hadn’t made him any underwear. That just seemed a little too . . . intimate. I was sure he was covered in that department anyway.

“Yes ma’am,” he said, and headed behind the screen I’d set up. He threw the clothes he’d been wearing over it, and I tried not to listen as he put on the new things.

“How’s it going?” I asked, lurking on the other side of the curtain. It was a little silly, since I’d already seen him naked, but I wanted to show him that I respected his boundaries.

“I’m pretty sure you’re a genius,” he said, stepping out from behind the curtain. I nearly tackled him with glee. I’d been absolutely right with my measurements. Everything was perfect.

“Well, if the shoe fits,” I said, twirling my finger so he’d spin around and I could check out the back. I also checked out his ass, which was so perfectly cupped by the jeans that I nearly fainted. Suddenly I realized that I’d made him look so good, I didn’t want him to leave the studio. He would cause mass chaos. Women would stop whatever they were doing and mob him. It would be like The Beatles all over again. Ryder was dangerous in those clothes. Curse me and my sewing abilities!

“Well?” he said, spreading his arms out and turning slowly in the mirror.

I sighed. “I’m really good, aren’t I?”

He chuckled and turned to the side to check himself out, and I laughed.

“You are. You’re the best,” he said. Our eyes met in the mirror, and I had the feeling we weren’t just talking about the clothes.

“Okay,” I said, clearing my throat. “Those obviously work, so let’s try something else.” I tossed him the second outfit, and he tried that on. It was even more perfect (if that was possible) than the first. He could probably cause spontaneous pregnancies with that one. Then it was time for the fancier clothes, and I was kicking myself for this insane idea. Ryder was right. I was crazy.

Bad, bad idea.

Finally, he’d tried everything on and not a single stitch needed to be altered. I’d never sewed anything quite so perfectly. Things almost always needed to be fitted to the person. But I didn’t tell Ryder that.

He put his regular clothes on, and I started packing everything up.

“I really don’t know what to say, or what I can do to thank you. This is way too much,” he said. I looked up from my folding to find his face was a little red, and his ears were scarlet. God, I loved it when redheads blushed. I especially loved it when Ryder blushed. Okay, I loved it when Ryder did anything.

“You don’t have to. This is what I do. It’s my contribution to the greater good, or something like that. I like making things for people. And I’ve been having trouble sleeping lately, so this gave me something to do.” I shut my mouth so I wouldn’t elaborate.

“Why haven’t you been sleeping?” he asked, leaning against the table just mere inches away from me. His scent washed over me and made it hard to think.

I shrugged. “No reason. Just sometimes I have a lot on my mind.” I looked up from my folding and met his eyes before I had to look away again. Too intense.

“I wouldn’t be contributing at all to that insomnia, would I?” he asked.

I kept folding and shook my head. “Nope.”

He chuckled. “Did that sound convincing to you? Because it sure as hell didn’t sound convincing to me,” he said.

“You’re not the only thing I think about, Ryder. My brain has room for other things.” I finished wrapping up the clothes again and shoved them across the table in his direction.

“Oh, I know you have other things in your brain. I just like knowing I have at least a little bit of real estate there.” And then he had to smile in a way that made my stomach flip flop and wish I hadn’t made him any clothes at all.

“Yeah, well,” I said. I sounded like a moron. I needed better comebacks. He always seemed to have good ones like he practiced ahead of time.

“Okay,” Ryder said, picking up the pile of clothes and slinging the garment bags over his shoulder. “I think I’ve done enough damage for one day. I should get back to my part of the city. Thank you so much for this, Sloane. I’ll find some way to show you how much this means to me. Just give me some time. I’ll figure something out.” He didn’t mean it to sound dirty, but I definitely took it that way. I didn’t seem to be able to help it around him.

“Need any help?” I said before I could stop myself. “Getting back to your place, I mean. That’s a lot of stuff. I had to bring a suitcase with me.” He was already struggling to hold everything. The garment bags kept sliding off his shoulder.

“Nah, I think I can manage. But maybe you could help me get downstairs and into a car.”

“I can do that.”

He handed me the garment bags, and we walked back down to the front of the building. We weren’t going to get a cab waiting here, so I suggested going up the street where chances were better.

“What?” I asked. Ryder had been chuckling to himself.

“You. You’re so fucking talented, Sloane. It constantly blows my mind.”

Well, if that wasn’t a compliment, I didn’t know what was.

“Thanks. If you keep that up, my head is going to be so huge I’m going to need a cart to drag it around in.”

“Well, we can’t have that. Maybe I should follow up all my compliments with an insult. You know, even things out.”

I elbowed him in the ribs, and he nearly dropped all the packages I’d wrapped so carefully.

“Hey, don’t mess those up. I’ll hunt you down,” I said. “And the way to a girl’s heart isn’t by insulting her.”

“Who says I’m trying to get to your heart?”

Shit, I’d walked right into that one.

“You know what I mean,” I said, walking faster and fumbling with the garment bags. Bastards were determined to slide right off my shoulder and onto the ground. At least they were somewhat protected.

“Uh huh,” he said. I didn’t say anything else so we walked in silence until we got to an intersection where it was much busier. I raised my hand and dropped the bags.

“Shit,” I said, leaning down to get them. I was piling them back on my shoulder when my head collided with something hard.

“Shit!” We both said at the same time. I looked up and glared at Ryder. He’d bent down to help me but had only succeeded in conking my head and making me drop everything again.

“Okay, I guess that wasn’t very helpful,” he said, rubbing his forehead.

“Not exactly,” I said, doing the same thing. “Jesus, you have a hard skull.”

“Why, thank you,” he said, reaching out to help me up after I’d gotten everything off the ground. The cab I’d signaled was gone.

“I’ll do it this time,” he said, extricating one of his arms from the pile of stuff. Within seconds, a cab pulled up.

“Well, so, thank you for the clothes and for helping me carry them.” He stood with the cab door open as the cabbie put the packages in the trunk and then added the bags.

“You’re welcome. Oh, and I put washing instructions in there as well. Treat your clothes right and they should last. If you have any laundry-related questions, let me know. I’d rather have you come to me than fuck it up and come crying to me later. So.”

He nodded and gave me a half-smile. “I’ll be sure to do that. Thanks. Again.” There was one of those little pauses. One of those moments where I could just lean up a little and kiss him. I wanted to. He looked like he wanted to, and moved forward just a fraction before changing his mind.

I couldn’t take that next little step either. Couldn’t cross that minute distance.

So we just stood there, staring at each other while the cabbie ran the meter and huffed in the front seat.

“I’ll see you for dinner,” Ryder finally said.

“Yup.” I nodded and stepped backward, nearly tripping over my own feet.

“Until we meet again,” he said, getting in the cab.

“Until we meet again,” I echoed as he pulled away.

“You really have a thing for him, don’t you?” Inari said on Monday when I told her all about Ryder’s reaction to the clothes. “I mean, I know you talked all about banging him and everything, but it’s definitely more than that. You like him, like him.”

“God, are we twelve?” I said, sipping the coffee she’d just brought me.

“Don’t try and change the subject with your snark,” she threw back at me.

“I’m not. I just think it’s a silly thing to say. Yes, I like him. I can like him without liking him like that.”

Inari gave me a look. “But you do like him like that.”

Yes, I did, but I didn’t need someone pointing that out. I gave Inari a scathing look.

“Okay, then. I’m going to go and check on everyone and give you a progress report.” She scurried out of my office and went to gather my morning report. To avoid slacking, each morning I had everyone make goals for the day, and then at the end, they would report on how they did. I made goals as well, and sometimes if we had to get a lot done, we’d write them on this gigantic whiteboard I’d found. It reminded me of those boards they used in crime shows to figure out who the murderer was.

I got started on my emails and boring stuff before getting the report from Inari and starting on my list of tasks for the day.

“We really need someone to do full-time accounting,” she said for the hundredth time. I knew I needed a full-time accountant. Everyone else knew it, too. I was just going to have to bite the bullet and hire someone, even if I’d take a financial hit. Inari and I had been keeping the books, and I’d made some of the interns help, but it was no match for someone who actually knew what they were doing. Every year when I went to do my taxes, my accountant would shake his head and make this annoying tutting sound that drove me nuts.

“I know, I know. Hey, could you do me a huge favor and do some looking around? I don’t want to put an ad out yet, because that’s admitting we really have a problem.”

She smiled and said she’d get on it. She had a whole network of friends that were always looking for jobs. Inari was only two years out of school, but she acted like someone who had much more experience. I was practically in love with her and I didn’t swing that way.

“Thanks. You’re the best.”

“I know,” she said with a wink.

The rest of the day passed without too much drama, apart from a few sewing and fitting mishaps that I was able to correct. We took part of the afternoon off for Marina’s birthday. She was currently in a gluten-free phase, so we got her a cake that wasn’t actually as terrible as I thought it would be and it inspired me to maybe expand my baking horizons and try out some new recipes.

Everyone left and I stayed to work on Rory’s dress. I’d neglected it for Ryder’s clothes, and I felt bad about it.

I’d just started cutting the pieces out after pinning my pattern to the fabric when there was a knock at the door. Thinking it was probably just someone who forgot their key, I slid the door open.

“What are you doing here?” I wasn’t expecting Ryder. He hadn’t called or texted or given any indication he was going to stop by. Yet here he was, wearing one of the outfits I’d made him with a pair of worn brown boots that somehow matched everything perfectly.

The clothes fit as good as they did yesterday and were still pressed and looking nice.

“I thought I’d come by and see if you maybe wanted to do dinner or something. Figured I’d start trying to pay you back for the clothes. What do you think?” He spun around on his heel and then proceeded to do a moonwalk.

“I didn’t know you could moonwalk,” I said as he spun back around.

“Yup. Used to do it in the kitchen when I was a kid. It drove my mom nuts. But my dad was a huge MJ fan and was always playing his music. I can do the crotch grab too, if you’d like to see that.”

I rolled my eyes.

“I think I’ll have to pass,” I said. “Um, I’m kind of working on Rory’s dress. I just started cutting and I was going to pin it all together.” I didn’t want to be rude, but Rory was part of my life before Ryder.

“No, that’s fine. I should have said something ahead of time instead of being all spontaneous. I’m not very good at the whole planning thing. But I’m trying to get better.”

“I’m really sorry. That’s really sweet of you.” Ugh, I felt like a bitch.

“How about this. I can hang out and keep you company while you work, and you’ll have incentive to work faster, and then I can maybe take you out to a later dinner?” He didn’t give up that easily. I had to admire that persistence.

I tried not to agree too quickly.

“That might be okay. Come on.” I stepped aside and let him in, wishing he was in front of me so I could watch him walk in those jeans. It had to be a beautiful thing. My jeans were so lucky.

“That’s a nice color,” he said, brushing a scrap of material.

“Thanks. It was Inari’s idea, actually. This is what it’s going to look like,” I said, showing him the final sketch. “It’s for their anniversary,” I added. “But don’t tell your brother or else I’ll use your eyeballs for pincushions.”

He shuddered and stepped away from the table.

“I wouldn’t dare.” He grabbed one of the intern’s stools and sat on it, folding his hands as if he was worried about touching anything.

“How was work?” I asked, feeling weird about having him there sitting and waiting for me.

“Shit. People are disgusting. I’m not meant to work in food service.” I looked at him over my shoulder. He was leaning back on the stool, defying the laws of gravity.

“Well, then you can cross that one off your list. I’ve heard this saying that in order to find out what you do want to do, you start with what you don’t want to do,” I said, starting to cut the fabric. I loved the sound of cutting fabric. I was weird like that.

“Well, I don’t want to work in a restaurant. And I don’t want to be a drug dealer. So that’s two things right there.”

I looked up and smiled at him.

“See? You’re making progress. Was being a drug dealer really even a possibility anyway?”

He tipped forward in the chair.

“Yeah, it was. Before.” He was probably talking about before he’d OD’d. Or at least I assumed. “I mean, I wasn’t a dealer or anything, but I sold things here and there. Most of my friends were dealers and were always trying to get me into it. Something always stopped me, though. Don’t know what.”

I went back to cutting.

“Common sense? Not wanting to go to jail?” I said, keeping my eyes on the fabric. I had to cut it precisely or else the dress wouldn’t look right. And I didn’t buy extra material in case I screwed up. I used to, but I didn’t anymore. Cut once.

“You might have noticed that I don’t exactly have a whole lot of common sense. And that isn’t something you can just figure out. You either have it or you don’t.” He was being too hard on himself. He might not have common sense, but he had street smarts, and that wasn’t something you came by easily. You had to work for that.

“Or maybe you don’t think you do, but you do. Maybe you’re underestimating yourself.” I finished the first piece and set it aside so I could cut the rest.

“Maybe you think I’m much smarter than I actually am.”

I looked up at him. “What? You’re so much more than you give yourself credit for,” I didn’t mean to be all hoorah-life-coach, but it made me mad when he was down on himself. “But if you want to throw yourself a fucking pity party, go ahead. The door is that way,” I said, pointing with my scissors.

He held both his hands up in surrender. “Whoa. Be careful where you’re pointing those things. I yield, I yield.”

That made me laugh. If I was ever going to get this done, I was going to have to focus, so I went back to cutting. Ryder got off his chair and started wandering around, looking at everything. It made me a little uncomfortable, but I wasn’t going to tell him to stop. That would prove I was uncomfortable and might make him want to do it more. Hell, it wasn’t like he was going through my underwear drawer. This was just my studio. Nothing shameful or weird here.

“This is nice,” he said, drawing my attention to a dress that Inari was playing with. Every now and then I let her work on her own projects. She wanted to be a designer and was using me to work her way up. I was perfectly happy to let her use me, teach her the business, and how to manage. She’d probably be much better at it than I was and would someday kill it at fashion week. But then I could say I knew her way back when.

“That’s Inari’s. She’s got some really interesting ideas about cuts and colors and patterns. She’s crazy talented.”

He gave me a weird look and moved on to look at some more things.

“You always see the best in people,” he said, reaching the end of the line and walking back toward me.

I snorted. “What the hell are you talking about?” I was super critical of just about everyone, including myself.

“Oh, don’t tell me to be down on myself and then turn around and do the same thing.” It was not the same thing, and I told him so. I set my scissors down and decided that I basically wasn’t going to get anything done while he was here. So I gave up.

“Whatever, Ryder. You don’t know me.”

“I know a lot of things, Sloane.” The way he said it made shivers go down my spine. The good kind of shivers. He was getting to me, and I both loved and hated it.

When it came to relationships, I preferred to have the upper hand. Be the one in control. I tended to go for guys who liked me more than I liked them. It was easier to get out when I wanted out without too much heartbreak. But Ryder was a whole different story. He was the kind of guy I normally would have avoided. The kind of guy who had heartbreak written in his eyes. The kind of guy who would leave scars.

I picked up my scissors again and pretended to go back to cutting the fabric, but I was really just trying to distract myself from how he made me feel.

He paced around again and I cut a few more pieces. I was only halfway done, but I put the scissors back in their designated cup. In my studio there was a place for everything and everything had a place. I was known to go off into a rage if things weren’t put back in their proper spots.

“I’m starving,” I said, even though I wasn’t. I needed a good excuse to stop and leave. I didn’t want him wandering around anymore.

“You sure you don’t want to finish? Or maybe I could go out and pick something up and bring it back?” He was back to being totally sweet. Not many of the guys I’d dated had been into what I did. I mean, they were supportive but not a lot of them “got it.” Ryder did. He asked me about the ins and outs of how things worked. He’d even talked about wanting to learn to use a sewing machine.

“No, that’s fine. My eyes are killing me.” Sometimes I forgot to slow down until my body made me. I was trying to be better about cutting myself off when I’d worked too much.

“Great, where do you want to go?” I walked around the studio, shutting off lights, putting things away, and cleaning up.

Ryder waited by the door.

“Need any help?” he asked.

“No. I have my routine. I’m good.” Even if he did help me, I’d just have to go back and make sure he’d done it right, so that would take extra time anyway.

I finally got everything done and opened the door so I could lock up. I turned on the alarm and then closed the door and turned the key.

“Wow, it’s like securing a bank vault,” Ryder said. I hoped he hadn’t noticed that I’d stood in front of the keypad so he couldn’t see me punching in the numbers. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust him . . . okay, I didn’t trust him. But not because he was going to break in for nefarious means. It was only to prevent him from showing up when I was unprepared like he had in my apartment.

“There are some very expensive fabrics in there. And I have this paranoia that some disgruntled ex-employee is going to try to break in and set the place on fire in retaliation, which is why I change the code every month.” I often got phone calls from interns saying that they’d forgotten the code. It was four fucking numbers. They weren’t that hard to remember.

“Are you really that mean?” he asked.

I gave him a look. He must be kidding.

“Sorry I asked. I’m guessing you give them that exact look.” Probably. I wasn’t quite sure what my face did when I was pissed, but it got results. I had a really good bitch face.

We walked downstairs and out into the cold. If fall was any indication, winter was going to be a bitch this year. Or maybe it was going to be really cold at the beginning and then it would taper off and get warm. Not likely in New England at all. Wishful thinking.

“Sooo, where to? I’m not really familiar with this area,” he said.

“Well, that depends on what you want to eat and how much you want to spend. If you want to eat cheap shit, there’s plenty of places, but if you want anything edible, we’re going to have to walk.” Just like with the tea the other day, decent food required a trek.

“That’s fine. I don’t mind walking. Are you cold?” My face was, but I wasn’t going to walk around with a ski mask on. The rest of me was covered in a thick coat; I had leggings on under my dress, my boots were lined, and I had a scarf and mitten set. I took winter fashion very seriously.

“I’m good. In case you couldn’t tell,” I said, holding up my mittened hands.

“You’re smarter than I am,” he said, pulling his hands out of his pockets.

“If you need some gloves or something, I can get you some.” I wasn’t a knitter, but I knew where to get some nice ones for a good price.

“You don’t need to do that. I’m a big boy. I can take care of myself. Sort of.” He put his hands back in his pockets and hunched his shoulders. It was really fucking windy, and I was glad I’d put my hair back so it wasn’t flying around my face and getting stuck in my makeup.

“What are you in the mood to eat?” I asked, and he raised his eyebrows at me. Oh, I didn’t mean it like that.

“Food, Ryder. What kind of thing were you in the mood for?”

“Um, I don’t know. Whatever’s dead or seriously slowed down,” he said.

“Haha. You’re hilarious. There’s a cool sushi place just up the street.” More often than not, I sent Inari there to get lunch.

“I know I’ll eat just about anything, but raw fish is not on the list.” That sounded like something someone who had never actually tried sushi would say. Because it was freaking delicious.

“Why, Ryder, are you a sushi virgin?”

He looked at me in shock. “No. I just don’t like it.”

He was totally lying.

“Ha, you’ve never had it. You shouldn’t have said anything because now I’m going to make you try it.”

I skipped ahead of him, leading the way. Ryder reluctantly followed. Oh, this was going to be fun.

“Well?” I asked as Ryder bit into his first piece of sushi. He put one finger up, asking me wait. He chewed and swallowed.

“How is it that raw fish doesn’t taste disgusting?”

I beamed and dipped my own sushi in sauce. I’d gotten a variety for him, including a vegetarian roll in case he did have a problem with the fish after all. He moved from the tuna roll to yellowtail. I grabbed a shrimp and then moved on to the spicy salmon. It was a challenge not to eat it too fast because it was so damn good.

“Okay, I was wrong, you were right,” Ryder said when we’d consumed the entire assortment. I sat back in my chair and knew it was going to be a while before I was ready to move.

“I always am,” I said, putting down my chopsticks. I’d given Ryder a lesson on using them and he’d taken to it with barely any effort.

“So modest for one so beautiful,” he said, and the compliment wrapped in an insult made my face go red.

Fortunately, our waitress appeared and asked if we needed anything else.

“Just a coffee for me,” I said. I couldn’t stomach dessert tonight.

“Same here,” Ryder said. I’d almost ordered sake, but changed my mind. It was no fun drinking if you couldn’t share it with someone else.

Our coffee arrived, along with the check. Ryder grabbed it before I could even attempt to reach for it.

“Don’t even think about it,” he said, waving it in front of my face and then snatching it away.

“Good reflexes,” I said, pretending to be put out, but I wasn’t. I’d known he was going to pay; he’d already said he would.

“How much training to you think it requires to be a professional ninja? I mean if I have the reflexes already, I might as well use them, right?”

“Um, I’m not sure, but put that on the list of potential careers,” I said, trying not to laugh.

“We should probably be writing these down,” he said, grabbing a napkin and making two columns. He wrote YES and NO on top of each column. Under NO he put drug dealer and restaurateur, and under YES he wrote ninja before folding the napkin up and putting it in his wallet.

“You are a strange human being,” I said.

“Thank you.” He pulled out his credit card and put it in with the check, leaving it on the edge of the table so the waitress would see it.

“It’s much better to be strange than normal. My mother used to say something a little like that,” he said. My parents told me that I was a freak. I wished I’d had Ryder’s parents. Sometimes, though, I thought that maybe if my parents hadn’t been so negative, I wouldn’t have had so much to prove. So much of my drive to succeed came from wanting to show them that I could make something of myself, even if they told me I was nothing, over and over. Which they had.

“Agreed. Normal people usually don’t have the balls to go for their dreams. They’re too scared that people won’t think they’re normal.”

He nodded. “Exactly.”

We sipped our coffee and pondered normality.

“Do you want to come over?” I blurted out. I didn’t really mean to, but I was thinking that I didn’t want this to end. No matter how much time I spent with Ryder, I always wanted more.

“I mean, do you want to come hang at my place? We could watch a movie or play . . . chess.” God save me from saying moronic things around Ryder Blythe. I didn’t even have a fucking chessboard. I had plenty of decks of cards, and I could probably borrow a board game from Rory. She’d gotten custody of them when she moved down the hall. But that might make Lucah suspicious. Shit.

“Chess? You know how to play chess?” He didn’t seem skeptical, just surprised.

“No, but I could learn.” Yeah, like chess was something you could just pick up in a few minutes. I wanted to smash my head into the table. Might rid my brain of the ridiculous things that were bouncing around in it.

“Yeah, that sounds . . . great. I’ve, ah, always wanted to learn how to play chess.” He sounded like he’d rather have a colonoscopy. Frankly, I’d rather have a colonoscopy too. Well, chess with Ryder probably wouldn’t be too bad in the long run.

“We don’t have to play chess. It was just a suggestion. We could watch a movie instead.” A movie was a much safer option. I was sure I had something he’d want to watch. Or at least tolerate.

“Yeah, if you can sneak me in without my brother finding out that I’m hanging out with you alone in your apartment at night.” It sounded bad when he put it that way.

“We’re not doing anything wrong. He knows we’re friends now. So what if he finds out? I mean, what is he going to do, honestly? Ground you?” I pictured that in my head and could actually imagine Lucah doing that. Or at least trying to.

“I don’t know, Sloane. Things have finally gotten good with him. I don’t want to push my luck.” I wanted to protest, but I didn’t want to push. If I pushed him to “choose,” he’d choose Lucah. And then things would get really awkward at dinner and with Rory and I didn’t want that.

“No, no. That’s fine.” I tried not to be too put out. We’d just spent several hours together, and I saw him several nights a week for dinner. That should be more than enough time with Ryder.

“But I’ll come with you to your apartment to make sure you get there safe.”

I grabbed my coat, scarf, and mittens, and got myself all bundled up before I stood.

“Thanks. That’s really nice.” He was always making sure I got home safe. I loved that.

“It’s not nice. It’s just . . . I don’t know. I like to make sure you’re home safe. My father always told me that when I was with a woman I should make sure she gets home safe. I guess that piece of advice actually stuck. The times he told me not to do drugs, not so much.”

He was talking more and more about his parents lately, and it was really good. Might be a side-effect of the therapy.

“My parents just told me not to bother with school because I would never amount to anything,” I said. Yuck. I sounded like a negative Nancy. “Sorry. I don’t meant to be all bitter. My parents are kind of awful people, so the happy stories are few and far between.” In fact, I had to think really hard before I came up with something happy. They weren’t abusive, at least not physically. They just . . . were terrible parents. Never should have had kids. I hated it that there was so much pressure to procreate. I mean, what the hell was that? You shouldn’t have kids just to have them if you’re going to do a shit job raising them and then they’re just going to hate you and resent you and do the same to their kids. Vicious fucking cycle of life. Let Elton John write a song about that.

“It’s okay. It’s okay. I know my childhood sounds all rosy, but we didn’t have a lot of money. My parents just had this way of making everything seem magical, and I always got what I really, really wanted. They did without so that Tate, Lucah, and I could have Christmas and birthday gifts and new clothes. I’m a lot luckier than most.” His smile was tinged with sadness.

“Sometimes I wonder if that’s why they were taken. They were just too good. Because I can’t figure out another reason that they would need to die. I was really pissed off about it for a long time. Still am, if I’m being honest.”

I couldn’t blame him.

“I’m so sorry that happened to you, Ryder. There aren’t any words I can say that do enough to tell you how sorry I am.”

He reached out for my hand and held it. I could feel his warmth through the mitten.

“There’s a station right down the road here, if you want to just take the T,” I said. This hand holding was new and kind of scary. I didn’t know how to take it, so I decided to just go with it. I looked down at our linked hands. His were covered in tiny little scratches and freckles. Those wonderful freckles that covered the rest of his body.

“Thank you,” he finally said, squeezing my hand.

“For what?” I asked, looking straight ahead.

“For being you.”

“Um, you’re welcome?” It sounded like a question, but neither of us laughed at me fumbling with my words.

He held my hand on the subway and all the way back to my apartment.

Finally, we had to part. He started to walk away, as if he’d forgotten we were even holding hands.

“Um, Ryder?” I jerked his arm and he looked down at it.

“Right. Well. Have a good rest of your night, Sloane.” He shoved his hand back in his pocket.

“Yeah. You too. Get home safe.”

“I will.” He nodded and then walked backwards down the sidewalk as if he wanted to see me for as long as he could. Prolong our moment.

But he still walked away, and I went upstairs, alone, to my apartment.

I finished Rory’s dress and lingerie ensemble, and she came over to my place to try it on so Lucah wouldn’t see it.

“Sweet fucking Jesus,” she said when I pulled it out of the garment bag. My friends were really fond of cursing. No wonder I couldn’t help myself.

“Is that a good sign?” I asked.

She nodded, not taking her eyes off the dress as she pulled it all the way out of the bag and held it against herself. She twirled around and laughed.

“I know you’ve made dresses before, but you really outdid yourself.”

“Yeah, well. You’re welcome. I sewed on those rhinestones myself. I didn’t trust the interns.” I would never do that again. You’ve never known tedium until you’ve had to hand sew hundreds of rhinestones onto a dress. Trust me.

“And this,” I said, presenting another bag with a flourish of my arm, “is what goes under it.” She clapped her hands and dashed to the bathroom to put the lingerie on.

She strutted out a few minutes later and gave me a twirl. I walked around her to make sure that everything looked good, and then helped her step into the dress. I zipped up the side and stepped back.

Rory spun around, making the skirt billow out just the way I wanted it to. The bra was perfectly hidden, and the dress was exactly the right length. I couldn’t ask for more than that.

“I don’t have words,” she said, twirling around again. “I feel like a princess. But a sexy princess.”

“Princesses aren’t sexy?”

“Well, most of them, at least the Disney kind, are all virginal and wide-eyed, and are practically children. I feel like a princess who’s been on the throne for a while and knows what the hell she’s doing. I can’t wait to show my ginger prince.” She spun one more time and then sighed.

“So when are you going out?” I asked.

“Next weekend. We’re going to head out of the city and have it be just the two of us. We haven’t gone away on a trip before, so I’m really looking forward to it. If we weren’t already pre-fiancés, I’d say he was going to propose.”

I helped her out of the dress, and she went to take off the lingerie.

“Maybe he’ll propose again,” I said through the bathroom door.

“Maybe. That might be something he would do. He’s such a romantic, that one.” So was his brother. Must be genetic.

She came out in her regular clothes and gave me a hug.

“You’re the best. Have I told you that lately?”

“Not today,” I said, hugging her back. She was so short, I had to bend down quite a bit. I used to be jealous of her height. She was just so cute and sweet and didn’t have to worry about being taller than her mate. I had an aversion to being with guys who were shorter than me, which cut me off from a lot of dating possibilities. But then again, Rory was always telling me how jealous she was of my height, so there you go. The grass is always greener and shit like that.

“So, how are things going?” she asked. I knew exactly what things she was asking about.

“Things are . . . confusing.” It was the best word I could come up with.

She nodded. “Things can be that way sometimes. Anything I can do to help?”

“Nope. I have a feeling they’re going to continue to be confusing for some time.” She gave me another hug and asked me if I wanted to go to the bar on Friday. We hadn’t gone with just the four of us girls in a while. We were all so busy with our own lives. It made me scared a little. I didn’t want to lose my friends to life.

“That sounds great. Chlo and Marisol coming?” I asked.

“Yup, they’ve already confirmed. And it’s strictly a girls’ night. Or I guess a single night in Chloe’s case. Not that she’s seeing anyone.” Chloe was still totally wrecked from her breakup and hadn’t found someone she was willing to trust again. But as long as she was happy and enjoyed being single and having a fling every now and then, that was all that mattered.

“I wish I knew someone I could set her up with,” I said. Chloe was super picky and not easy to please.

“Ditto. But most of the people I work with are men and are either married or headed that way. And it’s not like I can come out and ask someone if they’re a lesbian.”

“Exactly. Talk about awkward.”

“Seriously.”

She sat down on the couch. I sensed she didn’t want to head back to her place just yet.

“Everything okay?” I asked. The high of the dress had worn off and she seemed a little melancholy.

“Yeah. Just overwhelmed with everything. I wish life was more stable. I wish I could just think about planning a wedding instead of trying to figure out how to get the company back on track and worrying about Dad. He’s still spreading himself too thin, and I keep feeling like something bad is going to happen.” Rory had a lot on her shoulders. I had no idea how she did it. I’d never had so much parental expectation hanging over my head. If my company failed, it was on me. I didn’t have to worry about disappointing my father. That would just be the worst.

“I’m sorry,” I said.

“It’s going to be okay,” she said with a sigh. “If all else fails, Mom and I are going to tie him to a chair, or hide all his keys or something so he can’t go to work. He was doing good for a while, but he’s back at it. Like he lured us into a false sense of security and then snuck back when we weren’t looking.” If Rory was a workaholic, she came by it honestly. Her father was a wonderful man. Her mother was fantastic too. They’d taken me in when I was just a friend of their daughters. They’d bought me clothes, helped me with school and paid for the apartment I shared with Rory before she moved in with Lucah.

“Hey, how about you come with me to Sunday dinner? Lucah’s going to come, but I know Dad would like to see you, and Mom loves to hear how everything is going.”

“Sounds great. I’d love to.” Although, the last time I was at their place for dinner, Ryder had been there and caused a scene when he’d talked about their dead parents at the dinner table. He’d known it would upset Lucah and he did it anyway. I’d thought it would come to blows, but they had sort of worked things out.

“I’m probably not going to invite Ryder, if you’re okay with that,” she said, not meeting my eyes.

“No, that’s fine. I’d rather not have the drama we had last time.”

“Good. So you want to just ride with us?”

“Sounds great.” I looked at the clock and saw that it was time to start dinner. Rory drifted into the kitchen to watch (I was mean about letting her help), and Lucah arrived a few minutes later with Ryder right behind him.

The minute I made eye contact with Ryder I blushed. I hoped that wasn’t going to be a thing now.

Lucah and Rory said hello, and Ryder came over.

“Hello, Sloane. How are you doing?” He acted like I was an acquaintance, and it drove me nuts.

“I’m well, how are you?” I matched his formal tone and it made him smile.

“Doing good, doing good. What are you making?” Lucah and Rory were busy talking softly to one another, so they weren’t really concerned with me and Ryder.

“Well, I thought about sushi, but decided to go for apricot chicken, rice, and a spinach salad. If you want, you can wash the spinach and tear it up for me.” He nodded, moving past me to get the spinach, and his hand brushed my back. It had to be on purpose. I gave him a look, but he just started whistling and washing the greens.

“Guess what?” Ryder said over the running water in the sink.

“What?” I said, stirring the sauce for the chicken. I’d gotten out the portable skillet so I could grill inside. One of the downsides of this apartment was that it didn’t have a balcony. I’d love to have one so I could grill outside and maybe even have a smoker for meats. Someday, maybe.

“I got a new therapist,” he said with a huge smile. “A woman this time.” I felt an instant pang of jealousy, which was ridiculous.

“Does she fart?” I asked.

“Not yet. But I’m watching her.” I wasn’t going to ask if she was pretty. I couldn’t. It was none of my business. So what if she was pretty? What was I going to do about it? He wasn’t my boyfriend, and even if he was, so what if he had an attractive therapist?

Lucah and Rory joined us and started handing out the wine glasses, so the topic changed to the worst movies we’d ever seen, which caused a light-hearted argument.

“You have got to be kidding me,” Rory said to Ryder. “You cannot say that Legally Blonde is the worst movie you’ve seen.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me in thinking that wasn’t a terrible movie.” He sipped at his glass of water. I’d started keeping seltzer on hand for him so he wouldn’t feel left out.

“That is a classic. If you can’t see that, it’s on you,” she said, pointing at him and narrowing her eyes. Rory took her movies very seriously.

“I mean, I briefly flirted with the idea of being a lawyer just because of that movie,” Rory said. I remembered that. We were in college and she was caving under the pressure of parental expectations. It only lasted less than a day, but it was one of my favorite Rory moments.

Ryder made a face. “Be that as it may, it’s still a shitty movie,” he said as I started plating the chicken and rice with the sauce. We all headed for the dining room and sat down.

“Well, I’ll personally never get the two hours of my life back that I wasted on From Justin to Kelly,” Lucah said, and Rory choked on a mouthful of chicken.

“You seriously watched that?” I asked as Rory gulped some water to clear her windpipe and Lucah smacked her on the back.

“Yeah. I can’t remember why, exactly. But I did, and I will regret it to this day. On my deathbed, I will regret watching that movie.”

Rory shook her head at him. “I think I know you and then you drop a bomb like that, Mr. Blythe. You can’t say things like that when I have a mouthful of food.”

“Sorry, sunshine,” he said, giving her a kiss on the cheek. “I’ll try to do better.”

“Whipped,” Ryder said with a cough.

“Whipped and proud,” Lucah said, putting his arm around Rory. “Whipped and proud and lucky as hell.”

Ryder pretended to gag, but then he gave me a look and I begged my face not to go red.

“Well, I don’t know about you, but I’m never going to get the time back that I spent with Pulp Fiction,” Rory said, and both Ryder and Lucah freaked out and started ranting about how Tarantino was a genius. Personally, I couldn’t see it, so I joined Rory, and it was boys against girls.

Both redheads got super touchy about movies. Noted.

“Okay, calm down. You’re going to give yourself a heart attack,” Rory said, brushing back Lucah’s hair. Both brothers were significantly red-faced.

“I’m calm,” he said, and then started laughing. We all joined in and the argument was over. Not sure who won, but it didn’t matter.

By Friday night I was ready to go out. I definitely needed it.

“You look great!” Rory said as we met downstairs to take a cab to the bar we frequented. It was also open mic night, which was a bonus.

“Thanks. So do you.” She’d shed a little of her corporate gloss and had donned a floaty top with jeans, and a pair of high-heeled boots. Her hair was out of its typical chignon and falling over her shoulders. Complete with toned-down makeup she didn’t look like the vice president of a tech company.

I’d gone for warmth and fashion with a cute skirt, leggings, and a sweater.

We hopped in the cab and gave the guy directions. I spotted Chloe from her bright red bobbed hair and Marisol in a purple coat. We got out of the car and hugged like we hadn’t seen each other in years. It kind of felt that way. I adored my friends and missed seeing them. We all started talking at once and headed inside.

I was the designated drink-fetcher, since it was much easier for me to wade through the crowd and carry a tray with my extra height.

After I got the drinks, I headed back to the table, but not before I caught the eye of a guy that was quite attractive. Well, I would have found him attractive with his dark hair, dark eyes, and clean look. But after a moment, I was sort of meh. He was too . . . polished. I wanted something a little more rugged. A little beat up. Scarred.

A little bit more Ryder.

Giving the guy a quick smile, I went back to the table and distributed the drinks.

“Oh good, they’re starting,” Chloe said as the first performer took the stage. One of the reasons we came to these things was that it was like a live reality show. You had the good and the bad and the in-between.

“You know, it says a lot about us that we get a kick out of people getting up on a stage and humiliating themselves,” Marisol said, sipping her gin and tonic.

“Hey, they don’t have to get up. No one’s holding a gun to their head,” Chloe said. “Although, that might change the quality of the songs. Like the Hunger Games, only with singing. Hunger Games, the musical.” Her eyes lit up. “Now there’s an idea.”

We had to quiet down as the first song started. It was a young girl who didn’t even look old enough to be in a bar and definitely wasn’t old enough to drink. Her guitar was also much too big for her to hold.

“Aw, she’s so cute,” Rory said. “I bet she’s amazing.” I didn’t have much faith and prepared myself for an awful acoustic version of whatever pop shit was currently clogging up most radio stations.

Instead she opened her mouth and a beautiful voice emerged.

“Damn,” Rory said. “I was right.”

The girl started to play a mind-blowing version of “On the Street Where You Live,” from My Fair Lady. She’d turned the song around from something somewhat upbeat and hopeful to something that almost sounded like a breakup song. Her voice wrapped a bittersweet bow around it and changed the tone of the music completely. When she was done, she was treated to a rousing round of applause.

“That girl is going places,” Chloe said, and we all agreed. The next few singers brought things way downhill: A few guys that were too drunk to even form words and a girl who was completely tone deaf.

“My ears, my ears!” I said after the girl left the stage. She’d only gotten a smattering of polite applause and looked crushed that everyone hadn’t loved her cover of a Britney Spears hit.

“That was especially painful,” Rory said. “Whatcha lookin’ at, Chlo?” She had been staring off at something.

“What?” Chloe said, not taking her eyes off whatever she was looking at. I followed her line of sight and saw it. Or rather, who. It was a girl in a cute dress who was laughing so loud you could hear it over the music and the din of the bar. She had silky blonde hair all the way down her back and gauges in her ears.

“You getting a vibe?” I asked, and she finally looked back at me.

“Maybe. I’m going to go check.” She got off the barstool and headed on over. We all watched, waiting to see what would happen. If there was anything Chloe wasn’t, it was shy. She had no qualms about hitting on someone, whether she knew they were gay or not. If anyone ever said anything about it, she’d just rant about the Kinsey scale and bisexuality and sexual freedom.

She came back a few minutes later, a little deflated.

“Boyfriend. Which I could work on, but she said her favorite musical artist was Miley Cyrus. I can’t deal with that.” She made a gagging noise, and we all agreed.

The night wore on, and I found myself laughing more than I had in a long time. It was good to get out and not have to think about work or Ryder or lying about hanging out with Ryder.

Of course the night couldn't go by completely without a mention of him. Chloe and Marisol already knew about what had happened after the ball, so they were eager to hear of any developments.

“Nothing. Nothing is happening. He’s still dealing with his own shit and therapy and being sober. He doesn’t need to add me to that,” I said, and Rory agreed.

“But, um, we’re sort of hanging out as friends. Nothing serious.”

“Uh-huh,” Marisol said, a smile on her face. “Yeah, you just keep telling yourself that.”

“What? I can be friends with him,” I said, and that earned me some laughter.

“You can’t be friends with someone that you have insane sexual chemistry with. It’s just not possible. You can be friends and have sex with each other, but you can’t just do the friends without the sex,” Chloe said. “It’s pretty much been proven by science.”

“Oh, has it?” I said. I wanted to go back to talking about the awful singers, but they were currently taking a break before the next round went on stage so there was a lull in the action.

“Pretty much,” Marisol agreed. “Honestly, I’m shocked you’ve lasted this long. I was ready to jump Fin within the first few hours.” Well, Fin was another case of a walking sex god. He was unbelievably hot and carried himself in such a way that made you know he was glorious in bed. Marisol was sketchy on the details, but it didn’t take a genius to figure out he was keeping her very satisfied.

“It’s not that hard. I mean, sometimes I have to not look at him. And I usually have to do something with my hands so I don’t touch him. It’s not that bad, really,” I said. “I mean, he keeps his distance. He won’t let me come to his place and he won’t come to my apartment anymore.”

“Yeah, because there are no other places to hook up,” Chloe said with a snort. “If you’ve only hooked up in a bed, then I’m sorry for you.”

No, I hadn’t only hooked up in a bed. I’d hooked up in lots of places, but Ryder was different. I couldn’t seem to make them understand that.

“Well, she’s doing the right thing,” Rory said, patting my arm. “Hey, how about I get the next round?” Everyone cheered, and I took drink orders before going back to the bar to get them.

No one said anything about Ryder when I got back, and I had the feeling Rory had a little chat while I went to get the drinks. I gave her a look of thanks.

Chloe ended up plastered, so Marisol and I helped her into a cab. They shared one since Marisol lived in the next building over and was going to stay with Chloe to make sure she got to bed okay.

“Ready?” Rory was a little tipsy, but I was almost entirely sober. I just hadn’t felt like getting drunk tonight.

“Yeah.” We also shared a cab, but Rory didn’t go down the hall to her place; instead she followed me into mine.

“Are you in love with Ryder?” she asked, point blank.

“No,” I said too quickly.

“I know you are. I mean, I saw it when he was in the hospital, but I decided not to say anything. It was such a messed up time and it didn’t seem like the right moment to bring it up.” I didn’t like to think about it much.

“I’m not in love with him,” I said, but every word felt hollow. “I’m not in love with him.”

“You know, even if you say it a million times, no one is going to believe you. And I know you don’t believe you.” She crossed her arms and leaned on the back of the couch. I hadn’t prepared for this tonight.

“I’m not in love with him.” I was just going to keep saying it. Because I wasn’t. I was attracted to him. I wanted to bang him. We were also friends. That was it.

“Oh, Sloane.” Rory ignored what I had said and hugged me instead. “You can talk to me about it if you want. You were there for me through everything with Lucah and I want to be there for you.”

I didn’t know what else to do, so I just hugged her back.

“I’m not in love with him,” I said again. I couldn’t stop saying it because I had to believe it. Being in love with Ryder was just not an option right now.

“It’s okay,” Rory said, rubbing my back like I was a child who had scraped their knee. She finally let go.

“I’m going to go see Lucah. Don’t worry, I won’t tell him anything.”

“I’m not in love with him,” I said one last time before she went through the door.

“Shit,” I said to the empty room.

I spent the rest of the night, Saturday, and most of Sunday repeating my new mantra. I wasn’t in love with Ryder.

Rory didn’t say a word about it at all, and I was grateful.

“You ready to go?” she said after I let her in on Sunday afternoon. Her parents always ate rather early on Sunday, and Rory always made her family dinners no matter what. Lucah was officially inducted into the Clarke family when he and Rory started getting serious. Her father hadn’t been so happy about it at first, and her mother was still holding out hope Fin and Rory would get together. One of those weird rich people things, where they decided that their kids were destined to be together, whether the kids wanted it or not. Sometimes I was glad I didn’t have to deal with anything like that.

“Yeah,” I said, grabbing my jacket and putting it on over my conservative dress. I never dressed to please people. Except for Rory’s mother.

Lucah had a suit and tie and was looking quite dapper. Unfortunately, he was a constant reminder of Ryder, both in looks and in mannerisms. He’d do something every now and then that would remind me so much of Ryder that my heart hurt.

I wasn’t in love with Ryder.

The drive out to Rory’s parents’ house was short, and we didn’t hit any traffic. Rory was the first one through the door, followed by Lucah. Then I snuck in behind.

“Sloane!” Rory’s mother said, holding her arms out for me.

“Hi, Eva,” I said, giving her a huge hug. I breathed in her perfume and sighed. I’d missed being hugged like this.

“I didn’t know you were coming,” she said, stepping back. “Let me look at you. Oh, you’re just as gorgeous as always.” She hugged me again, and Rory’s father, Walter, came out to greet everyone and take their coats. Unlike a lot of their social set, they didn’t have full-time staff. They cooked their own meals and had a cleaning crew in sporadically, but only because their house was damn huge, and cleaning it would take way too much time.

“Well, I decided I should come more often. I’ve missed you.” She put her arm around me and we walked into the dining room. Walter was busy chatting with Lucah, his almost future son-in-law about something or other. Lucah must have said something funny because Walter’s loud laugh boomed through the house.

The place was huge, but it didn’t feel cold or empty like a museum.

“Sit right by me, dear,” Eva said, patting the place on her right at the head of the table. Walter was at the other end, and Lucah and Rory sat across from me so they could sit next to each other.

“Rory, you should have told me Sloane was coming so I could set another place,” Eva said, motioning for Walter to get another place setting.

“It’s not a big deal, really. I should have called,” I said.

“Nonsense. It’s lovely to have you here, Sloane,” Walter said, planting a kiss on top of my head. He was one of the jolliest humans I’d ever met. Like a real-life Santa. But mess with someone he cared about and he could flip the switch and wish you were never born.

Rory was right, he did look tired. Worn around the edges.

Everyone sat down and passed around the first course. Another thing I loved about Walter and Eva was that they cooked together, and their food was always good.

“This looks amazing,” I said.

“Coming from you, Sloane, I know that’s high praise indeed,” Eva said as she passed around a bowl of vegetables. “So, how is the fashion world?”

“It’s the same. Cutthroat. I’m trying to put together a show and not go bankrupt.” And failing at it right now. I needed a venue that wasn’t going to charge me a huge amount, and I was striking out so far.

“Well, is there anything you need?” I told her that I needed a place to hold it for starters.

“Let me see what I can do. I’ll get back to you as soon as I know something.” That was Eva. Always wanting to help those less fortunate than she was.

“That would be wonderful. Thank you so much.” Rory, Lucah, and Walter were talking about something work-related, and Eva reprimanded them to include the rest of us.

“Sorry. We were just talking about one of our employees. We’re done now,” Walter said. Wine was passed around, and I definitely partook. I wasn’t driving.

“And how is your brother?” Eva said to Lucah. Ugh. I couldn’t escape Ryder even when I wasn’t with him. He was always there anyway.

I wasn’t in love with him.

“He’s doing well. He’s got a job and an apartment and is on the way to recovery. I’m keeping my fingers crossed,” Lucah said. “I just hope this time it will stick.”

I looked down at my plate and pretended they were talking about someone I didn’t know. Someone I’d never met.

Rory nudged my foot under the table. I nudged her back.

“That’s got to be tough,” Walter said. “But he’s very lucky to have you. You’re a good man, Lucah.” Now that was high praise, considering that Walter was also Lucah’s boss.

“Thank you, Walter,” Lucah said, his face going red. He took a sip of wine and cleared his throat. He reached out and took Rory’s hand. Oh, I knew where this was going.

“I would like to make an announcement,” Lucah said. It seemed silly to be so formal since there were only five of us, but it didn’t matter.

We all put down our forks, and Lucah coughed.

“What I’m trying to say is that I’ve asked Rory to marry me, and she has accepted.” Rory started laughing and flashed her left hand, where the ring she’d previously been wearing on her right gleamed.

Both Walter and Eva jumped to their feet to embrace their daughter and son-in-law to be. Feeling left out, I jumped up and gave Rory a huge hug.

“So it’s official?” I said. She hadn’t told her parents about the whole pre-engagement, so this was the first they were hearing about it. Eva was crying and dabbing her eyes with her napkin, and Walter was red-faced and wouldn’t stop hugging everyone. It was a moment of absolute and pure joy.

“I always thought you would end up with Fin, but this makes me so happy,” Eva said.

“Mom. Fin and I aren’t going to happen. You really need to let that dream die,” she said, rolling her eyes like a pouty teenager.

Eva sighed and wiped her eyes again. I knew she had mascara on, but it wasn’t running at all. I made a note to ask her what kind she used before I left.

“I can’t say I’m surprised, but this is wonderful news. Wonderful!” Walter boomed. “We need champagne.” He and Eva rushed off to find champagne and glasses.

“Congratulations, you two. I’m so glad that it’s official, official.” I gave Rory another hug and she squeezed me back.

“I have a huge favor to ask you . . .” I knew exactly what she was going to ask before she even asked it. I’d been waiting for this moment for so long.

“Yes, I will make your wedding dress.” We looked at each other and I couldn’t help but start to cry.

“Good. Because I’m not getting anything off the rack. And I also wanted to ask if you’ll be my maid of honor.” I had a feeling she’d ask me that as well, but I didn’t want to get my hopes up.

“Really?” I said, wiping my eyes.

“Of course. Who else would I ask?” she said like I was crazy.

“Oh well, I don’t know. I wanted to think that you would.”

She threw her arms around me. “You’re ridiculous sometimes, but I love you anyway.” We hugged again, and Walter and Eva came back with the champagne.

“To my baby girl getting married. Cheers to the happy couple,” Walter said, filling everyone’s glasses.

“Cheers!” We all said and drank. It was probably a good thing Ryder wasn’t here for this.

“And to my bride-to-be. The sunshine in my life,” Lucah said, and we toasted again.

“And to my husband-to-be. The best administrative assistant I’ve ever had.” Lucah laughed and we toasted to that as well.

“I should hope I’m good for more than taking messages and cancelling meetings,” Lucah said.

“You’re good for taking out the trash too,” Rory said, patting his chest.

“Welcome to marriage, my boy,” Walter said.

I was so happy for her. I expected to be jealous, but the feeling just wasn’t there, for which I was pleased. I didn’t want to be jealous of her overwhelming happiness.

“So,” Eva said, as we all sat down to our now-lukewarm dinners, “how did it happen? We need to have the story.”

“Definitely,” I said. I was shocked Rory hadn’t told me already. I had underestimated her ability to keep a secret.

“Well,” Rory said, her face getting a little red. “We were, um, in bed, and Lucah took my hands and moved the ring from my right hand to my left one. He’d given it to me a few weeks ago. It belonged to his mother,” she explained to her parents. I already knew about that part of the story.

That was it? He just moved the ring? No grand gesture?

“And then he grabbed his guitar and played the first song he’d ever sang to me at open mic night.” I remembered that night. Rory had been so pissed that he was there, but the second he started singing, I could tell that she was totally and completely taken by him. That was the first time I knew there was something stronger than just attraction between them. At the time, he’d interviewed to be her administrative assistant and totally rubbed Rory the wrong way. Mostly because she’d been so hot and bothered by him when she was trying to be professional.

“How romantic,” Eva said with a sigh.

“And then he asked me if I wanted to be his wife, and I told him I did,” Rory said, staring at Lucah. He only had eyes for her. It was like the rest of us weren’t even in the room. Only the two of them existed. The moment passed, but I found myself aching for my own moment.

“I had a whole elaborate scene planned. I considered swans and fireworks and the whole works. Maybe even a viral video,” Lucah said. “But then I thought about you and how much I loved you, and I woke up in the middle of the night unable to wait for you to wake up so I could just ask you. I couldn’t take the waiting anymore.” He laughed, and Rory brushed away another tear.

“I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way,” she said. “It was perfect.”

“Well, I’d say that was an excellent proposal. And I appreciate you coming to me,” Walter said. That was news to me.

“You asked my dad?” Rory said.

Lucah’s face went even redder. I’d never seen him like that before. It was kind of cute, actually.

“I did,” he said in a quiet voice. Rory threw herself on him, which was a feat, considering they were both sitting down.

“If I hadn’t already agreed to marry you, I’d totally say yes again.” She gave him quite the kiss that wasn’t really appropriate with her parents there. I almost jumped between them to break it up before it got pornographic.

They seemed to come to their senses realizing they weren’t the only two people there. They were both fairly red.

“Well, this has been quite an evening,” Walter said, winking at his wife.

“Yup,” Rory said, resuming her seat.

“So, have you started any wedding plans?” Eva asked. Jesus, she didn’t waste any time.

Rory sighed. “Mom. We literally just got engaged this morning. I’d like to enjoy this before I have to actually think about chicken or fish, and favors, and veil or no veil,” she said.

“Well, there’s no harm in starting to think about these things,” Eva said, undeterred. This woman was relentless.

“Sloane’s making the dress,” Rory said, smiling across the table at me.

“Oh good. I was hoping you’d be able to. You’re sure it’s no trouble?” Eva said.

“None at all. I’d be insulted if she asked anyone else. I might be able to squeeze in making a mother-of-the-bride dress as well,” I said. That had been my dream. Well, my dream was to do the entire wedding party, but I didn’t know if I had enough time for that. Still, it would be really cool.

“Oh, would you? That would be just lovely,” Eva said. “You are just the best, Sloane.” I blushed.

“What am I supposed to wear?” Walter asked. We all laughed.

“I could make you something if you want, Walter. I’ve done my share of menswear.” Ryder had been great practice. Shit. I didn’t want to think about Ryder. I’d spent a whole half hour not thinking of him. That had to be some sort of record.

“Can you make me look like James Bond?” he asked, a twinkle in his eye.

“Absolutely,” I said. “Although, I’d say you’re much more handsome than James Bond.” He laughed and waved me off.

The rest of the evening was spent with Eva trying to bring up wedding plans and Rory trying to avoid talking about them, and Walter and Lucah discussing business.

I felt like an outsider. An interloper at a family dinner. I loved Rory’s family but didn’t feel like I belonged as much as I did a few years ago. That wasn’t anyone’s fault. Things had just changed.

Rory and Lucah spent the drive back playfully arguing about their upcoming wedding.

“We are not doing a dove release,” Lucah said.

“Why not?” Rory asked. I knew she was just messing with him, but it was still funny.

“Because it’s ridiculous. And probably inhumane. And where the hell are we going to find trained doves in Boston?” Well, that was a good question.

“It’s called the internet. Aren’t you supposed to be a tech guy?” She stroked his hair then tugged on his ear. “You know I’m just messing with you. I don’t want doves. I don’t even know what I want, really. Every time I think about something, I can’t decide if I like it or not.”

“Well, you know you have a dress. So there’s that,” I said from the backseat.

“That’s right. I have a dress. And it’s going to be spectacular,” she said with a dreamy sigh.

It wasn’t just going to be spectacular. It was going to be the wedding dress to end all wedding dresses. I’d been planning it for as long as I could remember. Since we’d become friends. I also had Marisol’s dress planned too. And Chloe’s in case she ever decided to tie the knot.

“I could make you something, Lucah,” I said. “I mean, if I’m doing Walter’s, I might as well do yours at the same time.”

“Could you? I didn’t want to impose, but that would be fantastic.”

“Sure thing. I already have your measurements.” I had all my friend’s measurements. I was weird that way.

“See? What else do we need for a wedding?” Rory said.

“A cake. Rings. A place. A minister.”

Rory made a face. “I don’t want to get married in a church. Too traditional,” she said.

“Really? I always liked the idea of a church wedding,” Lucah said. And then they started in again about church weddings vs. non-church weddings, and I stared out the window.

“Is this for real, for real this time? No more practice?” Ryder asked Monday night at dinner. Rory and Lucah were giving him the down low on the now-real engagement.

“No more practice,” Lucah said. He still had his arm around Rory, and I bet he hadn’t moved it in at least twenty-four hours.

“Nope, we’re doing it. Getting hitched. I’m going to be your ball and chain,” Rory said, kissing Lucah’s cheek.

“I’ll be shackled and happy,” he said, and Ryder made a disgusted sound that he turned into a cough.

“Sorry,” Ryder said.

He didn’t meet my eyes as I handed him a plate.

“Hey, I put up with enough of your shit. The least you can do is put up with me talking about my wedding,” Lucah said. “So shut it.”

Ryder put his hands in the air in surrender.

“Shit, okay. So, tell me about the centerpieces.” He rested his elbows on the table and put his chin in his hands. I stifled a laugh.

Lucah cuffed him on the head.

We’d had dinner at Rory and Lucah’s to celebrate. I was feeling tired, so I said goodnight early and headed back to my place.

I was just putting on some pajamas when there was a knock at the door. I pulled my shirt over my head and went to answer it, figuring it was Rory.

“Oh. Hi,” I said, realizing it was Ryder.

“Hey. Can I come in?”

I nodded and moved aside, regretting that I wasn’t wearing the clothes I’d just had on. Of course I was wearing PJs with ice cream cones all over them. So mature. So sexy.

“Nice PJs,” he said with a smile. Damn, I was hoping he wouldn’t notice them. But to be fair, they were rather noticeable.

“Thanks,” I said, crossing my arms over my chest. I wasn’t wearing a bra, and I hadn’t turned up the heat in my apartment since I’d come back.

“Sooo, what can I do for you?” I said.

“Just wanted to see how you were doing. Away from prying eyes.” Ah. Right.

“I’m good. How are you?” Shit, this was weird.

“Good, good,” he said, putting his hands in his pockets. He definitely wanted to talk to me about something specific, or else he wouldn’t have knocked on my door. I just wanted him to get to the point.

“Is that all?” I finally said. His eyes had been darting around the room as if he’d never seen it before. Bizarre, considering he’d eaten dinner here a number of times.

His eyes landed on my face and he took a deep breath.

“Nothing. It’s nothing.” Whatever he wanted to say, he’d changed his mind. For fuck’s sake.

“No. You knocked on my door for a reason. Say what you’re going to say.” I almost stomped my foot, but that would have been just too immature, and I was already rocking the cutesy pajamas. “I’m not playing any games with you, Ryder.”

He thought some more, and then instead of saying something, he took action. He grabbed me and hauled me up against his chest.

I was so surprised I let out a little squeak as the air left my lungs.

“I just need to see something,” he said, holding me close.

I opened my mouth to ask what he meant and he seized the moment, pressing his lips to mine. Well now.

I’d thought the first time I kissed Ryder it would be like an attack. He seemed like the kind of guy who would shove his tongue down your throat right out of the gate.

But this was soft. So soft. As if he was treating my lips like they were something fragile that he’d break if he pushed too hard. His hands skimmed my sides and came to rest with one on my neck and one on the side of my face.

He pulled back just a tiny bit, and I followed him, reaching, bringing him back to me. Ryder definitely liked that. He smiled against my mouth and then broke the kiss. I made a little sound of protest. We were just getting started. I’d only gotten a small taste and now he was taking it away.

“That’s what I thought,” he said, closing his eyes and resting his forehead against mine.

“What’s what you thought?” My voice was loud in my ears. Everything was too loud. My voice, my heart, the blood rushing through my body. I almost felt like I was upside down, with all the blood going to my brain. And other places, of course.

“You.” He let me go and I wobbled a little, trying to keep him close.

Stepping away, he shook his head. “I can’t. I’m sorry.” He headed out the door and my brain couldn’t get itself working until he was gone.

What the ever loving fuck?

I needed to talk to someone about Ryder. Immediately. I half-considered running after him and making him come back, but I needed to figure out how I felt before I asked him what the hell that was.

First of all, I was confused. He said he didn’t want to be friends with me, and then we were friends. Then he kissed me. Friends usually didn’t kiss each other on the mouth in my experience. Unless we were having a friends-with-benefits thing, and he’d just sort of forgotten to inform me that was what we were doing.

My head started spinning and I had to go sit down.

I wanted to call Rory, but then she’d probably want to tell Lucah, and that would cause all hell to break loose. He’d probably see Ryder kissing me as some sort of extreme thing and I didn’t want to make Rory lie anymore.

Ugh, I needed my best friend. Needed to be able to talk to her about my boy problems.

So I texted her anyway.

Can I talk to you about Ryder?

She didn’t answer, and then I heard footsteps in the hallway and a knock at the door.

“I figured I should just come over instead of texting,” she said as she walked in.

“Yeah, good plan.”

“What’s wrong? You look like you just got hit over the head with a blunt object.” I blinked a few times and shook my head. Kissing Ryder was a bit like getting hit over the head, but in the nicest way.

My skin was buzzing from the connection to his, and I could still smell him in the air.

“Well, um, I’m not sure how to say this, but Ryder kissed me. Just knocked on my door, acted all weird, and then kissed me.” I pressed my hands to my lips.

“Oh. Wow. When did this happen?” She looked around as if Ryder was going to jump out at her from behind the furniture.

“Just a few minutes ago. He left. I probably should have chased after him. I should have gone after him, right?” I headed for the door, only to realize I didn’t have any shoes on.

“Whoa, slow your roll,” Rory said, grabbing my arm. “He’s probably gone already. Let’s sit and talk.” She led me over to the couch and sat me down.

“I have never been this confused by another human being in my life. Just when I think I’ve got him figured out, BAM! He changes lanes and fucks with me.”

Rory gave me a sympathetic look. “Did he say anything?” she asked.

“He said he had to see about something. I asked him what and he just said ‘you.’ I mean, what the actual fuck?” My bewilderment was giving way to anger. Who the hell did he think he was? He couldn’t just kiss me whenever he felt like it.

“Well, call me crazy, but I think he feels the same way about you as you do about him. I mean, I’ve seen the way he looks at you. And I know the way you look at him. Talk about eye fucking.”

“We do not eye fuck, Ror.”

She laughed. “Yes you do, my dear. Deny it if you want, but it’s still happening every time you look at each other. He might have toned down his sexual comments, but he can’t hide the way he feels about you. Just like you can’t hide the way you feel about him. You and Ryder are . . . inevitable.” She made it sound like planetary forces had aligned for Ryder and me to be together. Sure, I did believe that some people seemed like they were meant to be together, but a lot of it seemed like wishful thinking. Or romantic mumbo jumbo. I mean, if my life was all planned out for me, then what was the point if things were somehow going to magically happen anyway?

“You’re nuts. Ryder and I are not inevitable. Having sex with him, maybe. But not the stuff you’re talking about. He’s got a hot bod and makes me laugh. That’s it.” That definitely wasn’t it, but I couldn’t think about the alternative. That I was, in fact, in love with him.

Because I wasn’t. Nope. Not at all. Not even a little bit.

Lies, lies, lies.

Because I was in love with him. Maybe more than I’d ever been before. So much that when I let myself think about it, I couldn’t breathe.

“I’m not in love with him,” I said again. I wasn’t convincing anyone, least of all myself.

Rory shook her head at me. “You know, every time you say that, a kitten dies. So you should really stop saying it. Also, because it’s not true.” I really wanted to beat her senseless with a pillow. Or sew her mouth shut at least.

“I’m not going to stop saying it.” If I said it enough, I might believe it. Probably not, but I was stubborn.

“Then you’re going to be responsible for a lot of dead kittens. That’s like kittencide. I hope you can live with the choice you’ve made,” she said with a serious expression.

“I’m good,” I said. I wasn’t in the mood for joking around.

“Then it’s on your head.” She got up and started poking around in my fridge.

“What are you doing?” I craned my neck to try and see what she was up to.

“I think we need something.”

“Food? Dude, we just ate.” I definitely wasn’t hungry. She slammed the fridge and opened the freezer.

“Aha!” She dug in the back and pulled out some ice cream I’d forgotten was even in there because it was hidden behind some frozen vegetables. She set that down on the counter and then got some chips, a bag of popcorn, and a few sodas.

“What is this for?” I asked as she dumped the lot in my lap.

“For reasons.” She sat back down with me and handed me a spoon.

“Sounds good to me,” I said, and pulled the lid off the ice cream carton. Rory turned the TV on and magically found a rerun of Project Runway. It was basically my favorite show ever. I’d even considered trying out if I didn’t already have my studio and several investors. Sometimes when I was half-asleep I imagined myself in the work room with Tim Gunn telling me my garment was fabulous. Hey, it could happen.

Rory and I ate the snacks even though we’d just had dinner. But I hadn’t had dessert, so this counted.

“Are you going to tell Lucah about the kiss?” She gave me a look as if I’d just announced I was giving up fashion design and was taking up full-time twerking.

“Probably not. Although, I’d kind of like to see the look on his face if I did. He’s developed this twitch in his eye when he’s stressed and I don’t really want to push him anymore. What is it with the men in my life pushing themselves to the brink?”

“They say girls go after men that are like their fathers. If that’s true then I should be heading to the local tractor pull or monster truck rally.” True story. My parents had met at a monster truck rally. Talk about a romantic venue.

“I don’t think that’s true,” she said, and then she thought about it. “Maybe . . .”

“No! Definitely not. There is no way I’m marrying someone like my dad.” I was trying to keep Ryder out of the marriage discussion.

“Then who are you going to marry? Have you ever thought that if you married Ryder then we’d be sisters for real?” That hadn’t occurred to me at all. On paper, it sounded perfect.

“No, I hadn’t thought of that.”

“But can you imagine how awesome it would be?” She beamed at me as if she was already planning it. Holidays together. Both of us with the last name Blythe.

Definitely not. I wasn’t changing my name for anyone.

“Hey, are you going to change your name when you get married?” I was more than happy to talk about Rory’s wedding. I could talk about that all day, every day.

“Nope. Lucah and I decided that I’ll hyphenate. Clarke-Blythe. It shouldn’t be too hard since they’re both short.” Rory Clarke-Blythe. It had a really nice ring to it.

“It’s going to be weird though. I mean, I’ve been Rory Clarke my whole life, and then I’m just going to be this whole other person. I’m going to be someone’s wife. Scares the shit out of me when I think about it too hard.”

I could imagine.

“Yeah, it is weird. And totally sexist when you think about it. That the woman has to change her name. Like she’s her husband’s property as soon as they say their vows.”

Rory made a face. “Gross. That’s probably why I don’t want to do a lot of the traditional marriage things. And there will be no unity sand or candles, or any of that nonsense. Honestly, I would elope if it wouldn’t kill my mother.”

We both laughed.

“Your mother wouldn’t die if you eloped. She’d just kill you.”

“Yeah, she would. And she’d be super sneaky about it. I’d never see it coming, and then, bang, I’d be dead.”

I scraped the bottom of the bag of chips and then crumpled it up.

“So you’re really not going to say anything?” I asked again.

“No. It would cause more trouble than it’s worth. I mean, Ryder is a grown man. And I’m trying to stay out of it.”

“Good plan.” I wish I could do the same, but I was in too deep with Ryder. Every time we were together things got more intense. And now that we’d kissed? Things were going to be different.

“This sucks,” I said, pulling a blanket off the back of the couch and laying it across myself. Rory and I used to stay up all the time and go to sleep in front of the television.

“I miss being here with you,” she said, grabbing another blanket for herself.

“I miss having you here.”

She groaned. “Why is everything so complicated now? I couldn’t say no when Lucah asked, and I didn’t want to, but now thinking about planning a wedding makes me feel like I’m going to break out in hives or have a panic attack or something. I mean, marriage is huge. I guess I’m just freaking out a little. But that’s normal, right?”

She turned to me and all I could see was the pre-wedding panic in her eyes. Poor thing. She was going to get through it fine, but it was going to be a bumpy ride along the way.

“You’re going to be fine. Just fine,” I said. “And if not, I’ll drug you and drag you down the aisle.”

“And that’s why I adore you, Sloane Harris.”

I’d made up my mind that I couldn’t let myself go all night without saying something to Ryder. So after Rory left, I grabbed my cell phone and called him. He didn’t pick up. Bastard. So I left a message when his voice ended.

“Listen, you asshole. You can’t just kiss me and leave. That is not cool at all. You’ve jerked me around enough, Ryder. So, we either talk about what the hell is going on and make an actual decision, or I’m done. I know this means things with Rory and Lucah will be hard, especially because of the wedding, but so be it. I can’t let you do this to me anymore. I just can’t. You fuck with my head, Ryder. I wish it wasn’t that way, but you do. You have this effect on me, and I can’t help it or stop it or change it. I’m not declaring my feelings or anything. I’m just saying how it is. You have exactly twenty-four hours to get your shit together and talk to me. If you don’t, I’ll take that as you saying you’re done as well, and that will be it. I’ll be cordial to you at dinner and that’s all. We won’t even be friends. Goodbye.” I purposely enunciated the last word, so he would really get the point that I was damn serious.

“Fuck you,” I said to the phone after I’d hung up. I probably should have added that to the message, but I wasn’t going to call him again.

Satisfied with what I’d said, I headed to bed.

Leaving the message for Ryder somehow cleared my mind enough so I could sleep. I’d done all I could do, and the ball was in his court. What happened now was up to him. I was done getting jerked around. So fucking over it.

The first thing I did when I got up was check my phone for any messages. Nothing. He had the rest of the day and tonight to get back to me. He’d said he had to work tonight, so he wouldn’t be coming to dinner, which I was happy about. I definitely didn’t want to have a knock-down-drag-out fight with him in front of Rory and his brother.

I got ready for work, but kept checking the phone to make sure the ringer was turned on and there weren’t any messages. Nothing.

“How are you?” Inari asked as she handed me my morning coffee. I’d already had two cups at home, but I needed more. Maybe I had a caffeine addiction. Meh, it was better than being addicted to cocaine.

I told Inari about Ryder and the kiss, and she listened intently.

“That’s crazy. So he just kissed you?”

“Yup. I mean, I’ve seen the guy naked, but we’d never kissed before. Which is really weird when you think about it,” I said. Ryder and I were definitely doing things backwards.

“Was it good?” she asked, sipping her organic green tea. Inari didn’t drink coffee.

“I mean, it lasted like two seconds, but yeah. It was good. He’s got like really full lips.” Mmmm.

Inari sighed. “I’m trying not to be jealous, even though he’s not my type at all. It’s been so long since someone kissed me like that.”

“Um, Inari, aren’t you married?” She gave me a “duh” look.

“Exactly. I’m married. We’ve used up all our passionate kisses.”

“That sucks. Already?” She’d only been married for two years.

She shrugged. “Yeah, but it’s still nice, and I still love him. It’s just not all fireworks and intensity anymore. It’s familiar and safe. But I still miss the early days. Man, there were times we didn’t even leave the house or put clothes on.” She gazed off into the distance and smiled.

“Just wait,” she said, patting me on the arm with an air of superiority, even though she was younger than me.

“Wait for what?”

“You’ll see,” she said, and took her tea back to her work station.

I checked my phone obsessively throughout the day. No call from Ryder. Either he was being a little shit and was going to wait until the last minute, he’d already decided and his silence spoke for itself, or something had happened.

Rory called during her lunch break to see if I’d heard from him.

“No, and I left him a message after you left, basically giving him an ultimatum. If he doesn’t call me within twenty-four hours of the voicemail, then that means we’re going to be acquaintances. I don’t know what that’s going to mean for dinners, but it means there will be no more kissing, no more spending time together, nothing. The end.”

“Wow, Sloane. That’s intense.”

“Well, drastic times call for drastic measures. I can’t do this anymore. He fucks with my emotions worse than PMS.”

She laughed. “Yeah, I know all about that. Well, let me know if he calls and what the verdict is,” she said, and then covered the phone to say something to her assistant.

“Okay, I’ll let you know. Bye.”

Five o’clock arrived with no word. I packed up for the day and let everyone go early again. I know I said that it wasn’t going to be a common occurrence, but this was twice in two weeks I’d done it. I was getting soft. Had to kick my game back up or else they were all going to slack off again. Besides, I had a new round of intern interviews next week, and I wanted everyone else on their best behavior.

I stopped and bought some groceries on the way home and started making dinner right away. To keep my mind busy, I was making stuffed chicken, dressing, gravy, mashed potatoes, rolls, and cranberry tarts for dessert. Guess I was in a holiday mood.

The food prep consumed me until my phone went off. I nearly sliced off my finger in my rush to get to it.

It wasn’t Ryder. Just a random 800 number that was probably trying to scam me. I ignored it and set the phone down. If I hadn’t heard from Ryder by eight, I was going to ask Lucah if he’d heard from him. Just to make absolutely sure.

It just seemed so unlikely that he’d kiss me like that and then overnight decide we were done. Maybe I was a bad kisser? But he had smiled at the end.

Someone knocked on the door, and I wondered if it was him. I turned the stove down so the gravy wouldn’t boil over and went to look through the peephole.

Rory.

I opened the door and let her in.

“Anything?” she said as she walked in.

“Nope.” I went to pour her a glass of wine.

“Huh, that’s weird.”

“Has Lucah heard from him today? I mean, there is a small chance that his phone died, or was stolen, or something happened to him, God forbid.”

She nodded. “No. I asked him and he said he hadn’t. Of course, then he was suspicious and I had to make something up. I seriously don’t know how he lied to me about his identity for as long as he did. But I think it’s harder to lie to someone when you’re in love with them. I mean, unless it’s about a present, or something like that.” She leaned on the counter and took the pins out of her hair, shaking it out.

“Rough day?”

“Getting better, I guess. Word has gotten out about the engagement. My mom has been calling all day bugging me about getting engagement portraits taken so they can do a formal announcement in the paper. Oh, and she’s already set up a wedding website for me.”

“Really?”

She nodded and sipped her wine. “Yup. All the pictures on there of me are at least a few years old and there aren’t any of Lucah. It’s pretty ridiculous.”

I didn’t tell her that I’d love to have a mother that was that involved and supportive of my wedding. Even if I decided to get married, my mom probably wouldn’t even show up. If I invited her at all. Oh well, I didn’t have to think about weddings. I wasn’t getting married.

“Crazy,” I said, making sure the chicken was doing okay in the oven. Rory talked about her weekend with Lucah. They were going to head to his brother Tate’s house and celebrate the engagement, and then go upstate and stay at a cute bed and breakfast. Super romantic.

Lucah arrived, once again looking like he’d been through the ringer.

“Baby, you have to slow down,” Rory said, leaning against him. “I want to spend the rest of my life with you, and I mean it. I won’t let you have a heart attack when you’re thirty-five.” She pulled his face forward and kissed the dimple in his chin.

“I will,” he said. Not at all convincing.

“What if I said that I wouldn’t have sex with you until you stop working yourself to death?” Rory said with a gleam in her eye. Oh, she was good. Shutting the doors on the love factory was the easiest way to get what she wanted. Was it manipulative? Yup. But all was fair in love and war.

“You wouldn’t,” he said, narrowing his eyes. She did the same, and they stared at each other.

“Damn right I would.” The stare down finally ended. Lucah blinked first.

“Okay, okay. But what qualifies as slowing down? Who decides if I’m going . . . slow enough?”

“Me,” she said. “When you no longer look like you haven’t slept in weeks, and when you don’t fall asleep the second we get into bed, and when you don’t wake up every morning moaning and groaning. When you’re back to the Lucah I first met. Full of sexual innuendo and dirty talk, and ready for anything.”

“Soooo, I’m not that guy anymore?”

“No, that’s not what I meant. You still are, but you’re tired. I just want you to be healthy and live, okay? Is that too much to ask?” She was starting to get upset like she used to do before she met Lucah. He’d toned down some of her crazy, but every now and then she would revert to old habits. Lucah also sensed that she was getting ready to ramp herself up, so he put his arms around her and held her close.

“You don’t need to do that. I promise I’ll slow down.” She pulled back from him so she could look into his eyes. I wished I wasn’t here right now. I felt like an intruder. I busied myself with the food while they had a moment.

“We’re done now,” Rory announced as I looked up from the oven.

“Okay,” I said. “Good to know. Dinner will be ready in ten.”

“Nice,” Rory said. “We’ll set the table. She grabbed Lucah’s hand and used him to help her get the plates down from the cabinets. One of his greatest qualities as a boyfriend was his height. I was sure he had many other assets, but that was a big one.

I didn’t speak much during dinner because I was watching the clock and waiting for something to happen. It was nearly eight when I broke down and asked Lucah if he’d heard at all from Ryder that day.

“No, I haven’t. We used to talk every day, but I’m trying to give him some space. Apparently, I’ve been hovering a bit too much.” He chuckled. “I guess I can’t help it. He was such a wreck when we lost our mom and dad that I think I’ll always treat him like he’s a kid.” He sounded like a parent.

“Yeah, you were doing a really good helicopter impression,” Rory said, and Lucah started making whirring noises that were probably supposed to represent a helicopter. I would have found it funny if I wasn’t worried. Sure, he might not have called back because he wanted to end things. Or, he might be bleeding in a ditch somewhere. I had to know.

I pulled out my phone and sent him a text.

If you’re okay, text me back. I just need to know that your phone is working.

I sent the message and waited.

“Hey, can I talk to you for a second?” Rory said, jerking her head toward my bedroom.

“Yeah, sure.”

“Everything okay?” Lucah said.

“Yup, just girl stuff,” Rory said. “Periods and tampons and cramps.”

Lucah gave her a look that said he didn’t believe her.

“My God, I don’t have to tell you everything, Mr. Blythe,” Rory said and he backed off, putting his hands up.

“So? Anything?” she asked after I shut the door. Lucah busied himself with the dishes.

“No. I just sent him a text to make sure he was okay. All he has to do is text back and that will be it.” I stared down at my phone and waited.

Nothing.

“Maybe he’s busy?” Rory said, but things were starting to look not so good. If he was anyone else, I would have said he might have lost his phone. But Ryder was unpredictable. And he’d just gotten sober.

“I have to go check on him if he doesn’t answer. I just have this feeling that something’s not right.” I couldn’t explain it. I didn’t consider myself clairvoyant in the least, but there was something in the back of my head that sent up a red flag. A warning.

“Well, let’s just wait and see if he answers. If he doesn’t, then maybe Lucah can text him. I think we need to tell him you’re concerned. He might be mad, but it’s better to know sooner if Ryder is in trouble and needs help.” Rory joining in my concerns just made me start to freak out even more. Waves of hot and cold panic rushed through my body. I didn’t even care about the stupid ultimatum.

“I’m sure he’s fine,” Rory said, remembering that she should probably try and reassure me. Usually I was the one doing that in our relationship.

“I’m sure he is. I’m probably making something out of nothing.” Deep down, I knew I wasn’t. Something was wrong.

Lucah and Rory went back to their apartment, and I waited. And waited. And waited. When ten o’clock rolled around, I headed down the hall and knocked on the door. Lucah answered.

“So, I had a little chat with your brother last night, and I gave him an ultimatum. I told him to call me and we’d sort things out, or come see me, but he hasn’t. I texted him earlier and he hasn’t answered back. I’m sure it’s nothing, but could you please text him and ask him if he’s okay?” I didn’t tell him about the kiss, and I didn’t tell him about my feelings of doom.

His eyebrows drew together and he got a serious look on his face. He didn’t tell me I was just imagining things.

“Yeah, come on in,” he said, and held the door open.

Rory was there with a cup of chamomile tea. She always gave me tea when there was a tense situation. As a result, I now associated tea with tense situations.

Lucah sent a message and then followed it up with a phone call. We all waited as the other line rang.

Nothing. Ryder’s voicemail clicked on and Lucah left a message.

“Ryder, this is Lucah. Please call me back. Thanks.” His voice was commanding, and I could feel the tension in the room starting to ramp up.

Lucah watched the phone in his hand as if it were going to magically morph into Ryder.

“If he doesn’t call back in an hour, I’m going to his place,” Lucah said, setting the phone on the counter.

“I’m going with you,” I said.

Lucah shook his head. “No, that’s okay. I can deal with this. God, I thought we were done with his drama.” He dragged his hand through his hair, and Rory gave him a hug.

“It’s going to be fine,” she said, and started making more tea. We soon had enough of it to satisfy all of the UK. Rory didn’t really know what to do in a crisis, but I loved her anyway.

The hour while we waited was tense. I just kept chugging tea, knowing it was only going to make me pee. Rory paced, as she always did when she was stressed, and Lucah stayed still, staring at his phone.

“That’s it,” he said at 11:05. He grabbed his coat and Rory got hers, despite his protests.

“We’re all going with you. If this is bad, then you’re going to need backup,” she said, and he didn’t argue. Instead of walking down the street to the garage where Rory and Lucah kept their cars, we took a cab since it was faster.

It was quite a drive to Ryder’s place, and I wondered how he was able to walk back and forth all the time.

The cab eventually stopped but felt like it took forever. I was one of the first out of the car. It had started to rain, but I ignored the water.

“Which apartment?” I asked Lucah as we stared up at the disgusting excuse for a building. Not only did it look like it was a moment away from falling down, it was also dirty. The steps were falling apart and the front door had several shades of peeling paint.

“This is it?” I asked.

“Yeah. He wouldn’t let me give him any money to get a better place. This was all he could afford.” I would have given him money if he would have taken it, but Ryder was too proud and too stubborn. Must be that red hair.

The door was wide open and there wasn’t even an intercom. Lucah led us up a set of dark and rickety steps that creaked. I set my feet tentatively so I didn’t fall through the rotting wood. There was also a weird smell that all shitty apartments had. This one was especially bad. Someone on the first floor definitely smoked a lot of weed.

Ryder was on the third floor, and Lucah banged on the door. No one answered.

“Ryder?!” He banged again, and Rory tried to unlock the door with the keys Lucah had gotten from Ryder when he’d first moved in. The door swung open, and there was a strange guy standing on the other side.

“Heeeyyyyyy,” he said, looking at the three of us. “Can I help you?”

“Where’s my brother?” Lucah asked, pushing past the guy. He stumbled and was clearly stoned or on something, or both.

“Whoa, chill man. Let’s calm down for a minute.” Lucah barreled through the small apartment, which was really only three rooms. He found Ryder passed out in the bedroom.

“Someone call 911,” he said, his voice eerily calm.

Lucah started slapping Ryder’s face to get him to wake up, but it didn’t work. Rory ended up calling the paramedics as I helped Lucah drag Ryder into the shower and turned the cold water on.

Nothing was working. Ryder was still breathing, but he was unconscious. The guy who’d let us in hovered in the bathroom doorway as if the proceedings bored him.

“What did you do to him?” I screamed.

“Whoa, ease up,” he said, his voice slow and drawling. I wanted to smash his fucking head into the wall.

I’d known there was something wrong.

“How much longer?” Lucah asked as he took Ryder’s pulse again.

“I don’t know,” Rory said as she handed Lucah towels to wipe Ryder off. His skin was a scary pale that I’d seen before when he was in the hospital.

I listened as hard as I could for the sirens. After what felt like years, I heard them in the distance.

“Why don’t you go and meet them downstairs?” Lucah said to Rory, and she ran out of the room.

“I knew this was going to happen,” Lucah muttered as he lay with Ryder on the bathroom floor¸ his clothes and hair soaked from the shower. I wasn’t going to let myself cry or break down. I didn’t know what to think. A part of me believed that this was some sort of dream, that it wasn’t really happening. Couldn’t be happening.

The paramedics stormed in, and I was forced to move aside to let them by. What happened next was a lot of yelling and people and noise and chaos. Lucah told them about Ryder, and they asked what he’d taken.

“I don’t know!” The guy who’d been there had vanished, the fucker, so we couldn’t ask him. A few of the EMTs went through the apartment and found a bottle of pills and some pot.

Ryder still wasn’t conscious when they loaded him onto a stretcher and carried him down three flights of stairs. They only had room for one in the ambulance, and obviously that was going to be Lucah.

“We’ll meet you there,” Rory said, giving him a quick kiss before he dove into the back of the ambulance, and they shut the doors on us.

“I knew it,” I said. I couldn’t shake my feeling of unreality.

Rory hailed a cab and told him she’d tip him a hundred extra if he could get us to the hospital as fast as possible. We were headed back to Mass Gen.

“This feels a little bit like déjà vu, doesn’t it?” Rory said. I’d tried to forget that moment when she called me and told me Ryder was in the hospital. There were a few moments in my life that stood out as the worst, and that was one of them. I’d been convinced I was going to lose him that night.

I hadn’t, but here we were again.

“Yeah,” I said, my knees jiggling up and down as I willed the cab to drive faster.

“What is taking so long?” I asked, looking through the windshield. Damn. Mother fucking traffic. Didn’t they understand this was an emergency? If I could, I’d grow wings and fly.

Rory took my hand and gave me something to hold on to. Something to ground me. I realized this was indeed happening and it was not good.

“He can’t die, Rory. He can’t die.” I teetered on the edge of hysterics.

“He’s not going to die,” she said, even though she couldn’t know that. What if he went into a coma and didn’t wake up? It could happen.

“What if it’s because of me?” I said, my voice low so the cabbie couldn’t hear, even though he had no idea what the situation was.

“Oh, honey, it’s not because of you.” She pushed my hair away from my face as I tried not to burst into tears.

“But what if it is?” There was nothing she could say to that, so she just held me as we sped through traffic to get to the hospital.

Rory and I held each other until the hospital. I ran in ahead of her since my legs were longer. No one was at the front desk, so she hunted down a nurse who got a little snippy when Rory demanded to know where Lucah was.

“He’s my brother,” she said. Well, it wasn’t exactly true. He would be her brother-in-law at some point.

The nurse gave her a look, but then told us where he was. We both ran down the hall and skidded on the tile when we got to his room.

We both walked in, and I begged for him to be alive. I would do anything for him to be alive.

Lucah blocked our view of Ryder, but he got to his feet when he heard us, running to hug Rory. I let go of her hand, and my feet carried me toward the man who lay in the bed. His eyes were open and fixed on my face.

I reached the bedside and had to put my hand out to make sure he was real.

“Hey, beautiful girl,” he said with a smile. If it was possible, he looked even weaker than he had the last time he was in the hospital.

“I really hate hospitals,” I said, wiping my eyes. My tears would no longer be denied.

“I know. I’m not too fond of them either.” Rory and Lucah joined us, and I started to evaluate the situation. He was in a hospital gown and had an IV in.

I wanted to ask him what happened, but didn’t want to push him again. Ryder had far more issues than I knew about. Or maybe I knew and just didn’t want to see them. I wanted him to be this perfect sexy guy. He was still sexy, but he wasn’t perfect. Far from it.

“I’m so sorry,” he said, looking away from me to Lucah. “Chip came over and said he just wanted to talk, but then he found some stuff in my medicine cabinet that I forgot I had, and the next thing I know, I’m waking up here.” He was leaving a lot of stuff out. The pills just didn’t jump into his mouth. He’d also made the decision to take them.

“Are you in any legal trouble?” I asked tentatively.

“No. Guess not, since the pills were prescribed to me.” A thought crossed my mind and I wanted to erase it as soon and I thought it.

Maybe it would have been a good thing for him to get arrested. Although, that had already happened when he was younger and hadn’t had an effect. What was it going to take for him to get his shit together?

A nurse came in and took Lucah aside to have a word with him. This really was déjà vu.

“I’m okay, really. It was a stupid thing to do. I guess since I’d detoxed, the pills affected me more than they used to. So that’s why I’m here. It was just a stupid mistake.”

I wanted to believe him. I wanted to believe this would be the last time, but when I looked in his eyes, I couldn’t see it. I couldn’t see the resolve I needed to see.

He wasn’t going to change. His addiction was too strong for him to fight right now.

I didn’t say any of those things to him. I sat by his bed and fought with him for the remote and got coffee.

I didn’t want to be here anymore. My lungs kept seizing up, and I felt like I was suffocating. Lucah called Tate and April, and they said they would be there the next morning. They had to find a sitter for their girls.

Ryder was staying overnight, but he wouldn’t be in the hospital as long as last time. His new therapist was also on her way, and I had the feeling their sessions were going to ramp up again. He’d probably have to quit his job to focus on that. Which meant he’d lose his apartment, but he should probably get out of that anyway.

“I think I’m going to go,” I said after midnight. The nurses kept trying to kick us out, but we’d just hide and go back to his room when they weren’t looking.

“Really?” Ryder said, sitting up. He was already starting to look better. Guess they’d gotten the pills out of his system and he was on the mend. Again.

“Yeah. I have to, um, work tomorrow.” I started to back toward the door without giving him a hug or anything.

“Do you want me to come with you?” Rory asked.

“No, I’m good,” I said.

“Goodbye,” I said, locking eyes with Ryder.

And then I left.

I had another night of no sleep and woke up with two realizations. First, I was definitely in love with Ryder, and second, I could never be with him.

I now understood what people said when they talked about the one that got away. Ryder would be that for me. He would be the guy I’d probably compare all other men to, going forward. We hadn’t even had an actual relationship, but it didn’t matter. The damage was done. My heart got involved, and that was it.

When I finally crawled out of bed, I didn’t want to go to work. There were very few times I didn’t want to head to the studio. It was my sanctuary. My place of refuge. I didn’t even stay away when I was sick. But I didn’t have any desire to go. I called Inari and told her I wasn’t coming in.

“What happened?”

“Just . . . don’t feel like it.” I didn’t want to talk about Ryder today. I didn’t want to talk to anyone about anything. I just wanted to stay in my apartment and be by myself.

“Okay,” she said, worry evident in her voice. “Are you absolutely sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah,” I said, doing my absolute best to sound as upbeat as possible.

“Well, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow?” She made it sound like a question.

“Yeah. See you tomorrow.” I’d rally, but I really needed today. Just one day to mourn the relationship that wasn’t.

I couldn’t remember the last time I spent the entire day in bed. I just lay there and flipped through the channels on my television and did nothing else. When I got tired of TV, I scrolled through Facebook and other social media outlets. I’d had a blog once upon a time that I used to post pictures of my designs on. Once I realized I barely had time to shower, let alone blog, I turned it over to my interns and Inari. I hadn’t read it lately, so I took a peek.

Everything looked really nice and clean. Simple. Classic. The last post was from yesterday, and I scanned all the other posts. Inari really was talented. She could write, too.

I closed out of the blog and started watching videos of cats cramming themselves into boxes, but even that didn’t make me feel better like it usually did.

Thinking maybe I just needed some food, I went to the kitchen, but nothing appealed to me. I wasn’t hungry. Figuring I could cook anyway and feed it to my employees, I took phyllo dough out of the freezer and some preserves from the pantry. Making fruit-filled croissants was a tedious process. Just what I needed.

The sheets of dough were thin as paper, and delicate. They had to be handled with care and concentration.

While I had the croissants in the oven, I started a cake. I mixed two different batters together and swirled them to create a marble cake. I was going to make a cooked frosting to go on top. It required more work and concentration, which was just what I needed.

So absorbed in my cooking, I didn’t immediately hear my phone ringing. I went to see who was calling. If it was Ryder, I wasn’t going to answer. That might be callous, but I couldn’t talk to him today. Tomorrow. I could deal with this all tomorrow.

But it wasn’t Ryder. It was Rory.

“Hey,” I said, forcing myself to sound as upbeat as I could.

“Hey, you. I just wanted to call and see how you were doing. You kind of checked out last night. And I know you’re not at work because I called and Inari said you stayed home.”

Shit.

“Yeah, I just, um, needed a day.”

“Sloane.”

“What? I just need a day, Rory. Don’t I get one fucking day?” The tears I’d thought dried up last night were on the verge of falling again, and I wouldn’t let them. I wouldn’t let myself go into a full-scale wallow.

“Okay, if you’re sure. I can come over in a heartbeat. We can eat ice cream and watch stupid movies. You’ve done it more than enough times for me.” I’d held her hand through her breakup with the guy who came to be known as King Douchebag. That had been a rough one. He’d not only treated her like shit, but cheated on her too. What was with my friends getting cheated on?

“I’m sure. I just need a day. I’ll talk to you later. I won’t be doing dinner. Goodbye.” I hung up before she could say anything else. Try as I might, I couldn’t separate her from the Ryder situation. Given time, I’d be able to, but not right now.

I went back to my baking, and by the time the sky got dark I had the croissants, the cake, two kinds of cookies, and a flan. Good thing I’d stocked up on baking supplies a few weeks ago. I would have gone crazy if I didn’t have everything on hand and had to go out and get something.

I didn’t eat any of my creations. They adorned my dining table like a dessert spread. Everything looked wonderful, but I didn’t feel like eating it at the moment.

Rory didn’t knock on my door like I thought she would. I guess she sensed my need to really and truly be by myself.

Covered in flour and frosting, I headed to the shower. After I washed my hair, I stepped out. I was too tired to do the rest. I wrapped myself in my largest, thickest towel, and fell onto my bed. Before I knew it, I was asleep.

My alarm woke me the next morning, and I groaned. My pillow was still wet from my hair, and the towel was on the floor. I must have tossed it off in the middle of the night.

Sitting up, I tried to run my hand through my hair. I hadn’t bothered to brush it last night, and now it was a hopeless mess. Great. My hair was imitating my life. I sighed and got out of bed, going to the bathroom to see what I could to do make something of the thing on my head. After brushing and fighting with it, I gave up and braided it. Tight.

I had to go to work, but I had no motivation to go today either. I needed coffee. I walked out to the kitchen and was confronted by the dessert chaos from yesterday. Shit, I was going to have to deal with all of that. As my coffee brewed, I packed up some of the desserts to take to work. I had a slim chance of unloading them on my people. Many were vegans or doing the gluten-free thing, and then there was one girl who was a fruitarian. I didn’t even know that was a real thing until she explained it to me. Eating that way could not be healthy.

Not bothering to do my makeup, I got dressed and loaded my arms up with desserts. Today was definitely a cab day.

“Whoa, what the hell happened to you?” Z, one of my employees asked when I walked through the door. I nearly tipped over when a few of the dessert boxes slid one way.

“A little help?” I said. He seemed to realize that I was about to drop everything, so he took the boxes from me.

“Thanks. Those are for everyone, by the way. I did a little baking yesterday when I wasn’t feeling well.”

“Oh, you were sick?” Z asked, and I could feel every set of ears perked in our direction. They’d probably been taking bets on what I was doing yesterday.

“Yes, I was sick,” I said, raising my voice. “And I was nice enough not to come in and bring it to all of you.” They were all listening, but no one had the guts to say anything.

“Glad you’re back,” Inari said, looking like she wanted to hug me, or do something else supportive. I definitely didn’t want her to hug me.

“Thanks. Listen, could you set out those desserts in the break room?” She nodded and followed Z. I glanced around the room, but everyone appeared to be diligently working. I’d need an update on what they’d been up to yesterday.

I went to my office and turned on my computer. Yup, I had about a bazillion emails, and Inari had the resumes and lookbooks of some of our potential interns. Great. I couldn’t wait to go through them. Or not.

I rested my head on my desk.

“I know you said you didn’t want to talk, but if you change your mind, I’m here,” Inari said, poking her head through my door and handing me a cup of coffee.

“Thanks. You’re sweet. I thought I was going to be able to deal with work today, but it’s going to be rough. Please keep the coffee coming. And if you can find any alcohol to throw in there, that would be much appreciated.”

“I’ll see what I can do,” she said with a smile.

“Oh, and can you give me updates on everyone in a little while?”

“Sure thing.”

I went back to my emails and figured if I could just do one at a time, I could make some progress. I made myself a list of things to do. On days when work was more difficult than normal, or I had to do a bunch of shitty things, I made a list. I got a rush every time I checked something off. Today was definitely a list day.

My phone was out on my desk, and I decided to turn it off. Anyone really important would also know my office number. I very much doubted Ryder knew that number, but I couldn’t stop him from looking it up online if he wanted to.

I stepped out of my office and motioned for Inari.

“This is a long shot, but if Ryder calls, can you just tell him I’m busy?” I kept my voice low so no one could overhear.

“Sure. No problem,” she said.

I slammed my office door and got back to my emails.

Rory called me, and I debated whether to call her back or not. I’d told her I would talk with her, but I still wasn’t ready for that. I guess I needed more than one day.

Time to start sucking it up. I could do this. I was a strong bitch, and I’d been through much worse. I wasn’t the girl who got all bogged down with feelings about a guy I hadn’t even been dating.

I burst out of my office and everyone went silent. Sewing machines ceased to grind.

“What?” I said. “Get back to work.” The noise returned, but at a lower level.

Inari came over and handed me my next cup of coffee.

“So. Progress updates?” I asked. She took me through the previous day.

“I cracked the whip, but I’m not as good at it as you are,” she said.

“You’ll learn.”

I took a trip around the room to make sure everything was going the way it was supposed to go. Machines churned and every now and then someone poked themselves with a needle and had to go to the sink to rinse off the blood. The chatter was just a low murmur. I liked to keep things pretty quiet. Bolts of fabric in vibrant colors were lined up against one wall. I really needed to get a few people to organize them again. I had a system, but it was seldom followed, which lead to the chaos I was currently looking at.

The phone rang, and Inari rushed to answer it.

“Sloane? It’s Eva Clarke,” she said, holding the phone up for me.

“Great, I’ll take it in my office.” She transferred the call to my private line and I picked up as I sat in my office chair, swiveling back and forth.

“Hello, Eva, what can I do for you?” I asked.

“Hello, Sloane dear, I was just calling to let you know that I have a few potential venues for you.” Good, that was on my to-do list for today.

“Great, that’s fantastic. Thank you so much,” I said. She went through three places, with descriptions and prices and locations. The second, a church that had been converted into an event hall, sounded perfect.

“I’ve seen it myself, and it’s absolutely lovely. If you mention my name to Jennifer, the event coordinator, I’m sure she can give you a good deal. And if she doesn’t give you a good deal, let me know and I’ll make it happen.” Yet another reason I loved Eva. She broke out the bitch when she needed to get something done.

She had to run to get to a meeting, so I hung up and crossed FIND EVENT VENUE off my list. I was kicking ass today.

The rest of the day was a blur. I couldn’t remember the last time I got so much done in one work day.

Not wanting to go back to my apartment where thoughts of Ryder were sure to creep in, I made up my mind to stay at the studio. I had enough food and so forth in the fridge, and the couch in my office was more than comfortable.

I still hadn’t turned on my phone, but the temptation was overwhelming.

I hoped Ryder was okay. I might not want to be with him, or even see him, but I still wanted to know he was getting better.

Finally, I caved and turned it on. I had several texts from Rory, one from Lucah, and there it was. One from Ryder. Three words.

I’m so sorry.

Shit, I shouldn’t have read it. Memories of the night before crashed down on me, and I broke down, sobbing into a pillow. I had to keep myself together. Had to.

This wasn’t going to be easy.

I woke the next morning when my employees started crashing through the door. Rising from the couch, I went to get a set of spare clothes that I kept here for emergencies. I could take a shower in the bathroom, but I didn’t feel like it. I brushed my hair out, pinned it back, and then redid my makeup. Popping a piece of mint gum in my mouth, I walked out and greeted everyone.

“Did you stay the night here?” Inari asked, speaking in a low voice.

“Yeah. Didn’t feel like going home.”

“Are you absolutely, positively sure you don’t want to talk?” I thought about saying no again, but I had no one to talk to. Normally I would have gone to Rory, but I couldn’t right now. For reasons.

“That would be great,” I said with a sigh.

“Lovely. How about we go out and get some breakfast?” She’d already given my coffee, but I hadn’t eaten anything yet.

“That would be great.” I pulled Kelly aside and told her she was in charge, and that if everyone sat around gossiping and didn’t get anything done by the time I came back, I would be highly displeased.

“As long as we don’t go to that little coffee place up the street. Anywhere else.” I associated that place with Ryder.

“Sure thing. There’s this new place that just opened up. It’s a nice day, so why don’t we walk?” Her tone was soft but not patronizing. She was going to make a great mother someday. I knew she’d been trying with her husband, but they hadn’t had any luck yet.

“Sounds good.” We were both bundled up and the wind wasn’t too bad today, so the walk was pleasant.

I looked over at her. “You remember Ryder, right?”

“How could I forget?” she said with a laugh.

“You’re right. He’s pretty unforgettable.” Talking about him didn’t feel good. It felt awful, but I’d already started so I had to continue.

“Anyway, the other night he kissed me. It was totally unexpected and out of the blue. I got mad at him for kissing me because he couldn’t seem to decide how he felt about me, so I called him and gave him an ultimatum via voicemail. I know it sounds silly, but I just needed to be somewhere that wasn’t my apartment last night.” I had to take a breath before I continued the rest of the story. I glossed over a lot of the hospital stuff, but she got the gist of it.

“And now I can’t even think about him without wanting to cry and scream and throw a tantrum. He just makes me so crazy,” I said. There. I’d done it.

“That must be hard,” she said. “I’m sorry you’re going through that.”

“Yeah, me too. And I knew it wasn’t going to work out. I knew from the very start. But I was too attracted to him to ignore it. I thought that I could just sort of have a fling with him, but then I started having deeper feelings, and everything just got so fucked up.” I wished I could go back in time and warn myself about him. Not that I would have listened.

“I always seem to attract guys who are bad for me.” My last few relationships (if you could call them that) were all disasters.

Inari sighed. “I hear you. I was the same way my freshman year. I think I went through three or four guys, all complete fuck-ups. That was sort of my learning year as I call it. But when I dated those awful guys, it made me think about what I really wanted, and when I met my husband, he had all those qualities and then some.” She winked at me.

“Nice. I wish I could have learned, but I can’t seem to. Maybe there’s something wrong with me.”

Inari laughed. “No. There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re human.”

“I don’t want to be human.” I hated making mistakes, but I just kept making them.

“Well, first things first,” I said, “I have to stay far away from Ryder. He’s like my . . . what is that stuff that Superman is allergic to?” Rory would know. She’s more of a sci-fi nerd than I was.

“Kryptonite. But actually, it’s only a certain kind of kryptonite that he’s allergic to,” she said. “Wow, is my nerd showing?”

“A little. But that’s cool. Anyway, Ryder is my kryptonite. I have to stay away from him.” This was my new mantra.

“You can do it,” Inari said with a little fist pump. “I believe in you.”

I shoved her a little.

“Shut up.”

Over eggs Benedict, Inari told me about her relationship disasters. It was nice to be talking about someone else’s past mistakes instead of my own for a change.

“And then he told me he was gay and was just using me so his parents wouldn’t find out. I don’t know why he kept suggesting that we have dinner with them. And he was only affectionate when they were around. God, I was young and stupid.”

“Hey, we’ve all been there.” True, I hadn’t dated a gay guy, but I’d had a crush on one until he introduced me to his boyfriend. Talk about awkward.

I hated to admit it, but unburdening myself to Inari had made me feel better. And having her sympathy was also nice. It made me feel far less crazy.

“I just have to keep my focus on work. Oh, I found a venue today. It’s an old church that’s been converted.”

“We should totally go check it out,” she said, finishing her orange juice. I’d thought about getting a mimosa, but figured it set a bad precedent for my other employees if I showed back up at work wasted.

“You know, that sounds like a really good idea. I forget that sometimes I need to get out of the studio.” I also needed to start designing again.

“That’s the spirit. Get up, get out, get busy.”

I paid the bill with my company credit card since it was a “working breakfast,” and we headed to check out the church. It was too far to walk, so we took the T.

“So this is it,” I said as we walked up to a cute little white church sandwiched between an investment firm and a nightclub. This was definitely a swanky part of Boston.

“Oh look, it has stained glass,” Inari said. She pointed to the windows in the front.

“It’s so sweet. Do you think God will smite us for having a lingerie fashion show here?” I looked up at the sky, hoping I wasn’t going to get struck by lightning. That would definitely be a bad sign.

“Probably not. I think he’s got better things to do with his time. War, famine, and all that,” she said as we walked up the steps and through a side door.

“Hello, may I help you?” said the woman who sat at the desk in the entryway. The interior was painted in glaring white, and all the furniture was metal and industrial and cool. Totally at odds with the high ceilings and stained glass, but somehow it worked.

“Yes, my name is Sloane Harris. I’m here to see Pam Dwyer,” I said, using the name Eva had given me.

The receptionist got to her feet and smiled. She had a headset on and hit a button on it.

“Pam? There’s someone here to see you,” she said, and then listened.

“If you want to take a seat, she’ll be right with you. Can I get you anything?” I was still full from breakfast, so I said I was fine. Inari also waived the offer.

We sat down in metal chairs and waited. I finally noticed the music.

“What’s that? I mean, I know it’s a church, but the music doesn’t really go with the décor, which is actually kind of cool.” I said to Inari.

“It’s a hymn. One of my mother’s favorites.” She tilted her head to the side, listening. “Wow, this brings back memories,” she said.

A door opened and a woman came out. I knew immediately why she was friends with Eva. They were cut from the same cloth. Her hair was perfectly dyed blonde and pinned back from a face that exhibited some of the most exquisite cheekbones I’d ever seen on a human being.

I rose to my feet and held my hand out.

“Sloane, it’s nice to meet you. Eva gave me a call and said you might be stopping by. What can I do for you?” she asked, straightening her already straight jacket.

I explained what I needed and she offered to take me on a tour.

“We’ve actually had shows here before, so we can fix it to work for you. We’ve got changing areas in the back and plenty of chairs, and we even have a runway we can set up.”

She led us into the main part of the church (I knew it had a name, but my parents weren’t religious so my knowledge of churches was extremely limited) where the show would be held.

I stifled a gasp. The space was amazing. The ceiling was so high that everything echoed. Windows on either side let in tons of light. This was the perfect backdrop for my garments. Perfect.

Inari squealed in excitement, and I finally brought up the issue of money. I had some saved and set aside for the show, but I was working with a tight budget.

Pam led us back to her office and we talked numbers. I didn’t have to push too hard for her to agree to give me a ten percent discount. Score. And she had an opening in a month, which was insane. I couldn’t plan a fashion show in a month.

Pam scanned her computer. “Okay, the next one we have is . . . oh, not for six months. We’re really booked up during the holiday season. Unless you could do next month.”

Shit. I couldn’t wait six months. I shared a look with Inari.

“Okay, I’ll take that spot then. The one next month,” I said, panic starting to set in.

“You can do it,” Inari whispered to me as Pam printed out the invoice for the deposit to hold the date.

I didn’t have faith that I could, but now I was going to have to. This would be good. I’d have to throw myself into planning and working, and I wouldn’t even have time to ponder or think about Ryder. It was going to be all fashion, all the time. Perfect.

I shook hands with Pam and said I’d be back next week to talk about lighting and chairs and so forth. I’d designed shows before, but I wanted to do something different for this one. Something awesome.

“This is going to be epic,” I said to Inari as we went back to the studio.

“I know,” she said, giving me a fist bump.

The next night there was a knock at my door. I knew who it was before I’d even answered it. I’d been avoiding Rory for days, and I couldn’t anymore. I’d cut Ryder out of my life, not my best friend.

“Hey,” I said, opening the door. “I’m sorry I’ve been MIA.”

She held her arms out and hugged me. “I know. I’m sorry too. I wish this wasn’t the situation we’re in, but here we are.” She came in, and I shut the door.

“Whoa. What’s with all the baked goods?” I still had a ton of them lying around. My stupid employees were apparently all boycotting sugar or something.

“I made a bunch of breakup cakes¸” I said with a grim smile. That was what I used to do when one of my friends would break up with a guy. I wasn’t great in a crisis, but at least I could bake a cake.

“I see that.” She seemed wary, as if anything she said was going to upset me.

“It’s okay, Rory. It is what it is.”

She sat down on the couch and slipped off her red heels. “I hate it when people say that, but in this case it’s true. God, I’m exhausted,” Rory said. We were carefully avoiding talking about the R word.

“Work?” I asked.

“Yes, and other things.”

I sat down beside her and took a breath. “Look, we’re going to have to talk about him, so let’s just get it over with. How is he?” I had trouble saying his name out loud.

“He’s . . . um . . . he’s staying with us. Again. Not just because of what happened, but also because he got kicked out of his place. He hadn’t been paying his rent.”

“What? I thought he was working.”

She shook her head. “No. He lost his job three days after he got it. Lucah thought about going to check on him to make sure he was still there, but I told him that was a little too intrusive.” That explained a lot.

“So what was he doing when he was supposed to be working?” I asked.

Rory shrugged. “No idea. He said he was just walking around, but who could walk around for twenty-five hours a week? It’s just so hard to tell with him. He’s a good liar.” Yes. He was a good liar. At least I wasn’t the only one who had fallen for it.

“Wow,” I said.

“Yeah. It’s been really tense, Sloane. I’ve missed you so much.” She looked like she was about to cry.

“Lucah is just so upset all the time, and Ryder does nothing but lie in bed, and this is supposed to be a happy time for me. I’m supposed to be planning my wedding. That might sound selfish, but I don’t care. Every time I think things are getting back to normal, they blow up again.” Now I was the one offering the hug.

“I’m sorry, babe. I should have called you back.”

She shook her head and wiped her eyes, careful not to smear her mascara.

“It’s okay. You’re here now and we’re okay. Do you mind if we just have dinner with the two of us tonight? I can’t take another meal with those two.” Poor thing.

“Absolutely. And we can stuff our faces.”

She sniffed and smiled. “I can’t. I have to get skinny to fit into my wedding dress.” She had to be joking. Rory was curvy and gorgeous. She didn’t need to lose a single pound.

“You’re messing with me,” I said, and she grinned.

“Yup. Lucah would kill me if I lost any weight, especially if it was from my ass.” True.

“So what you’re telling me is that I should make your dress assless, so you can show off the goods?”

She put on a serious expression. “Absolutely.”

I didn’t ask what Lucah and Ryder were doing, or where they thought Rory was. I hoped they weren’t going to be taking any trips down the hall to come and visit.

“Don’t worry. I told Lucah I needed some time,” she said as if she’d read my mind.

“Oh, that’s fine.” Tonight I didn’t want to make my usual fancy meal. Okay, so I was still being a little fancy, putting truffles on a four cheese pizza and serving an arugula salad as a side.

“So, if we have a salad with pizza, those two things cancel each other out, right?” Rory said, sipping a glass of Prosecco I’d found in the back of my cabinets.

“They do. I think it’s been proven in a study,” I said, sprinkling the cheese on top of the pizza crust and then adding the bits of chopped truffle. I was going to drizzle truffle oil on it as well. Orgasmic.

“Well, as long as there’s a study.” Her phone went off, and she read the message that came in with a frown.

“Everything okay?” I asked as I shoved the pizza in the oven.

“Yeah, fine.” She set the phone down and looked up at me.

“Sure, I believe you,” I said, setting the timer for the pizza to bake.

“It was Lucah. He’s just . . . he’s having issues with Ryder. I swear, that boy is twenty-three but acts like a toddler. I’ve had to stop myself from screaming at him on several occasions. At least this time he’s not trying to catch me naked in the shower.” She rolled her eyes and drained her glass. I filled it back up for her. “He’s just so damn frustrating,” she said, slamming her fist on the counter.

“Yeah, I know,” I said. He was more than frustrating. He was sexy and funny and confusing, and an asshole and damaged and a wreck.

But I still loved him.

“Do you think, maybe, that you’ll be able to get to a good place with him?” she asked, sipping her Prosecco.

“I don’t know,” I said, being honest. “I really don’t know. It’s only been a few days and it’s all too much to think about. I’m concentrating on work right now.” I told her about the fashion show, and she got really excited.

“Thank your mom for me. I got a really good deal, so I’m not going to have to sell my organs online to try and pay for it.”

Rory laughed. “I see you haven’t lost your sense of humor.”

“Never,” I said, raising my fist. “Ye can take our lives, but ye cannae take my sarcasm!” Yet another thing that qualified Rory as excellent best friend material was her ability to laugh at my jokes, no matter how bad they were.

“Christ, I’ve missed you. I know it’s been, like, two days but damn. Let’s promise to never do that again,” she said.

I grabbed her hands and held them in mine, looking deeply into her eyes.

“I promise that I will never forsake you for anything, Rory soon-to-be Clarke-Blythe.”

She stared back at me and squeezed my hands. “And I promise that I will never forsake you either, my dearest friend.” Of course we both cracked and ended up laughing.

“You know, there should really be a thing that friends can do that’s like marriage. The closest thing to commitment I can think of is getting matching tattoos,” I said.

Her eyes lit up. “Um, that is actually a fantastic idea.”

I didn’t think she’d be up for it, which was why I never mentioned it before now.

“Really? You’d seriously ink yourself with me?”

“Hell yes. I mean, if I can get my lady bits pierced, I can get a tattoo.” That was right, I forgot she had that done. One of those post-breakup things. I hoped I didn’t do something like that, although I hadn’t technically broken up with Ryder.

“Okay, then. We’re doing this.” I held my fist out and she bumped it with hers.

“We’re doing it.”

The timer dinged and we raced to get the pizza out.

“I’m so starving. I barely had lunch today,” she said as we stared at the still-bubbling cheese on top of the pizza.

“If we eat it now, we’re just going to burn our mouths and that would definitely not be fun,” I said. This was torture.

“Maybe we should stop staring at it,” she said, and we both turned our backs on the pizza.

“Salad. We should eat our salad first,” I said, and handed her a bowl filled with arugula, parmesan, fresh figs, and almonds with an olive oil dressing.

“The worst thing about salad is that it isn’t pizza,” Rory said, glaring at the bowl of greens.

“That is true. But if we eat all our salad, we can eat as much pizza as we want.”

“Is that from another study?” Rory asked as she poked at the salad with her fork.

“Yup.”

“Is it bad that I don’t want to go back to my fiancé?” Rory said after we’d demolished the entire pizza. To be fair, it was a thin crust, so there wasn’t much to it in the first place.

“That depends. Do you never want to go back to him, or do you just not want to go back to him tonight?”

She thought about it. “Ugh. If only I wasn’t in love with him,” she said.

“Yeah, that can definitely put a wrench in things,” I said. Fucking love. Ruined lives.

“It’s that damn chin dimple, I swear. And the singing. And the red hair. And the tongue ring.” She could go on forever.

“And everything?” I asked.

“Yeah. And everything. I should really get back. Hopefully they haven’t killed each other. Although, that would solve a lot of my problems.”

“Yeah, but then you’d have two bodies on your hands you have to dispose of.”

She sighed. “You’re right. That would be even more work. Oh well. Thanks for dinner and for listening.”

“Anytime, girlfriend,” I said. She headed out the door and down the hall, back to Lucah and Ryder.

He was here. I had a feeling that was going to happen. This time, though, I wouldn’t be finding reasons to go down the hall to get a glimpse of Ryder and maybe have a word with him. I was going to avoid that door like it was infected with the plague.

For the next few days Rory came over and had dinner with me, sans Lucah and definitely without Ryder. If she hadn’t told me he was down the hall, I might never have known. My fears that I’d bump into him in the hallway or going to the trash chute went away as I repeatedly didn’t encounter him.

When I wasn’t hanging out with Rory (who was also trying to avoid the drama at her place) I was at work with Inari, hammering out the details of my show and going through the first round of intern applications.

“No, yes, no, no, hell no,” I said, separating them into piles.

“Okay, you only have four in the yes pile, and we need to hire three interns,” she said, “which means you are relying on those few to really wow you at the interview.” Very few people impressed me in interviews. Inari had been an exception.

“I’ll go through them again,” I said, grabbing the no pile once more.

“Oh, and we need to set up the model casting as well.” That was another thing I wasn’t fond of. If I could hire a bunch of robots to walk down the runway wearing my stuff, I’d do it.

“Right, right,” I said, flipping through the applications. I added another one to the “hell no” pile.

“If you want, I can set up the casting, call the agents, and all you’ll have to do is show up,” Inari said.

“God bless you. Do you have time to do that?”

“Absolutely. I will make time.”

“Can I clone you?” I asked.

“Um, you can try? I think it’s pretty expensive and not very reliable. That sheep they cloned didn’t live that long. Soooo.” We both laughed. Inari always knew how to make me smile.

“Well, I’ll go and start setting that up, and you come back to me with at least four more applicants.”

“Sounds good,” I said, giving her a big fake smile and a thumbs up.

She just rolled her eyes at me. “I’ll bring you some more coffee if you do it,” she said in a singsong voice.

“You’re evil!”

Inari shut the door in response.

“So, what are your ultimate goals?” I asked the girl sitting in front of me. She was dressed in a pink skirt, white cardigan, and had perky blonde hair. I almost asked her if her name was Elle Woods, but stopped myself. Inari was right beside me to keep me in check.

“Um, well, I’d really like to make it to fashion week, and be like, an icon. I mean, I think I should have my own reality show.” She beamed at me as I fought the urge to punch her in the face.

Inari nudged my foot and I reeled it in.

“Well, that’s lovely.” I shut her resume and lookbook (which had massive amounts of pink in it and several pictures of the Kardashians and Paris Hilton), and smiled across the desk at her. It wasn’t easy. My face was getting quite the workout today.

“Thank you so much for this. You’re, like, so cool.” I couldn’t hire this girl. Even if she had been qualified, I would strangle her in five seconds of her being here. And something told me she wouldn’t know shit about a sewing machine.

“Well, we’ll let you know, Gabby.” I cringed at the nickname. What was wrong with being Gabrielle?

“Great!” We shook hands, and she barely touched mine before she bounced out the door. I pretended to bang my head on my desk.

“Okay, so even I will admit we can’t hire her. I’m an upbeat person, but that would just drive all of us crazy. And did you see her shoes?” Inari shuddered and tossed the resume and lookbook in the trash. Good riddance.

“Okay, so that leaves us with the girl with the double nose piercing, the one who had the kickass handbag, the guy with the mohawk, and the girl with the blue hair,” Inari said, thumbing through the candidates we’d already interviewed. Luckily, the Paris Hilton wannabe was our last interview for the day. I didn’t think I could do any more.

“Then that’s four,” I said, scanning through the resumes again. They weren’t the best, but they seemed malleable. I could train them.

“Perfect. Do you want me to call them all tomorrow, or would you like me to bring them in for another test?” Back when I first started out and had been hiring interns, I’d made them do a sewing test. Most of them had failed, so I got rid of it or else I wouldn’t have hired anyone.

“Oh, and I found you an accountant. He’s a CPA and he comes highly recommended. He’s coming over tomorrow to chat with you.” Sometimes Inari did things I didn’t want to do and then threw them on me so I had no choice but to get them done. This was one of those things.

“Great. So we’re good.” I checked off everything I’d planned to do that day. Wow. That almost never happened.

“We’re good. Tomorrow we need to choose the pieces for the show and the music, and start set designing.” It was a lot, but I didn’t care. I loved it. “I was thinking,” Inari continued, “that we might ask for ideas from the rest of the staff. They can be morons sometimes, but every now and then they have good ideas.” Okay, that was true. “What do you think?”

“Well, normally I would say that’s a terrible idea and I don’t want to do it, but I want to do this show differently. I have a few ideas, but nothing is jumping out at me.” I’d played with a few themes, but everything I’d thought of so far felt cliché. I needed new. I needed fresh. I needed innovative. Let’s see what my minions could come up with.

“Okay, so I’ll let them all know to get their minds percolating.” She hopped up and left me alone with the rejected resumes. I used my arm to slide them off the desk and into the trash.

Everything was going well at work. I just wished my personal life would match. Then everything would be perfect.

“He misses you,” Rory said that night as we ate tacos. My cooking had gone from fancy to comfort food. So far this week I’d made several soups, shepherd’s pie, and macaroni and cheese. If I kept it up I was going to actually have to start working out, and that was something I definitely didn’t want to do.

Rory didn’t need to tell me who “he” was. I knew.

“How do you know?” I asked, setting my taco back on my plate.

“He hasn’t said anything. It’s just a feeling. I just know.”

“Can you sense his aura?” I asked, and then cringed. “Sorry, I sound like a bitch.”

“No, it’s okay. He’s a touchy subject. I should probably warn you or something when I’m going to bring him up. Maybe we can agree on a signal?”

“How about you raise your hand?”

“Cool. That works.” She raised her hand.

“Yes, Rory.”

“He misses you,” she said again. “Before, he was just a mess. Now he’s a depressed mess, and it’s so much worse. By the way, he’s growing a beard.”

A beard. She really shouldn’t have told me that. Ryder would look so hot with a beard. A part of me wished I could see it and get the full effect. But that would probably shake my resolve. I couldn’t let that happen. Not until I’d built up an impenetrable wall between us.

“Well, there’s not really anything I can do about it. I can’t have him in my life now, Rory. He messes things up.”

“I know, I know. I just wish . . . I can’t imagine how much this must be hurting you. I wish I could do something to fix it.” Rory loved fixing things and making them right. But no one could fix this, not even Ryder.

“I’m hurting, but I’ll get over it. I’m strong.”

“Oh, I know you are. But it’s him I worry about. He’s in this dark pit and he’s dragging Lucah down with him. I don’t know what to do.” Her voice started to shake. I reached to grab her a tissue from the box I kept on the coffee table.

“No, I’m fine,” she said, waving me off.

“You sure?”

“Yeah, I’m good.” She shook herself and wiped her eyes. “It’s just a lot sometimes.”

“I bet. You can stay here anytime you need to. Even if it’s overnight.”

“Thanks, that means a lot. Oh, I think I finally picked my wedding colors.” She started smiling. Yay, wedding talk. Much better than Ryder talk.

“And?” I asked. I was fully prepared to make suggestions. I had a whole list of potential color combinations.

“Well, red, definitely. And I was thinking black for the secondary color. Or maybe a light blue?” She didn’t seem absolutely sure.

“Well, red and black would be nice and classy, but they might be a little dark, unless you want to have an evening wedding. I think the red and light blue would be lovely. Especially considering Lucah has blue eyes.” I was already making the bridesmaids’ dresses in my head.

“Yeah, that’s what I was thinking.” She pulled out her phone and showed me some of the things she’d bookmarked.

“Don’t tell anyone, but I’ve been looking things up when I feel like my head is going to explode during work,” she whispered, as if one of her coworkers was going to burst in and call her out for planning her wedding during office hours.

“Do you have a theme?” I asked.

“Well, I keep thinking I’ve made up my mind and then I find something else. I need my maid of honor to help me,” she said, grinning at me.

“At your service, ma’am.” I saluted her and then got out my laptop. I’d already bookmarked some things for her.

We spent the rest of the night with glorious wedding stuff.

“I’m so glad I have you,” she said, resting her chin on my shoulder as I showed her the most adorable hanging lights.

“I know,” I said in a deep voice.

“Star Wars?” she asked.

“Yup.”

I clicked through a website I’d found for creative favors.

“So, are you guys going away this weekend?” I asked.

“No. I mean, we can’t, with everything that’s happened. We have to babysit. I mean, Tate has offered to come and stay with him, but April is having a really rough pregnancy and is puking most of the time, so we told him to stay with her. It’s fine. We’ll go away when things calm down,” she said, but I could tell how unhappy she was.

I thought about suggesting that I could stay with him, but that seemed like a terrible idea. Things were not good between me and Ryder. He was fresh out of the hospital and I couldn’t handle that. I felt bad about it, but it was for the best.

“It’s fine,” Rory said with a smile. “We’ll have plenty of time to get away soon. And it’s not like we don’t see each other. I find all sorts of reasons to go down his department to give him memos.” She put air quotes around the last three words. I made a disgusted face and she smacked me on the arm.

“Remember that you were the one who told me to have some quick, dirty sex with him? This is what it led to.” She looked down at her ring and smiled.

“I’m so happy you’re happy,” I said.

“Thanks. I just want you to be this happy. I feel like a bitch. Like I’m rubbing it in your face.” I shook my head. That was ridiculous. Did I get jealous sometimes? Yup. But I would never want to take away what she had. It was magical and beautiful and not many found what she and Lucah had. Love like that wasn’t for everyone. Maybe not for me.

“Hun, you’re not rubbing anything in my face. All I ask is that I get to stand beside you when you say your vows. That’s all I want.”

“Done,” she said.

“Oh, and I also request that I not be part of any sort of choreographed dance routine during the reception,” I said with a shudder. She burst out laughing.

“I can’t see Lucah being up for that either. Okay, no choreographed dances at the reception. Got it.”

“And don’t do any of that unity sand crap. It’s so tacky.”

“No unity sand. Any other requests for my wedding?” she said, still laughing.

“Yup. Be happy.”

“I think that’s one thing I can definitely do.”

I thought I was totally off the hook for Ryder babysitting, but Friday during lunch Rory called me and said that April was in the hospital and might be losing the baby. Tate was flipping out and couldn’t deal with the other two girls and begged Lucah and Rory to come and help, at least until April was home.

“I’m so sorry, but we really need to go,” she said. Her voice shook. She and April had grown really close over the past few months.

“Oh, wow, I’m so sorry. Do you think she’s going to be okay?” I asked.

“We don’t know. Everything is up in the air right now.” A male voice said something in the background and Rory responded.

“We’re packing things up to leave right now. Which means… I know this is a lot to ask and could potentially blow up in our faces, but do you think you can check in on Ryder? You don’t have to stay with him constantly, but just maybe monitor him? And let us know how he’s doing? I’m so, so sorry about this.” She was getting hysterical and I heard Lucah trying to soothe her.

It wasn’t the ideal situation, but they needed me.

“Okay,” I said. “I can leave work early, I guess.”

Rory sighed in relief.

“Oh thank God. You are the best, Sloane. The absolute best. Now if anything happens or you feel unsafe at all, I want you to call the police, okay? If he gets arrested, he gets arrested. I don’t want you compromising your safety. I’ll also give you his therapist’s number and an emergency number. I think that’s it.” There was some sound, as if the phone was being passed over.

“Sloane? I really want to thank you for doing this,” Lucah said. “It’s not ideal, but hopefully we won’t be gone more than a day. We’ll keep you posted.”

“Okay,” I said, starting to feel numb. I really didn't want to do this, but there wasn’t much choice. It was happening.

“I have to babysit him this weekend,” I told Inari when I got back from lunch.

“What do you mean?” Yeah, it was a confusing situation if you didn’t know the players.

I gave her the down low on the situation.

Inari raised her eyebrows. “So, um, what will you do if he does something wrong? It’s not like you can put him in timeout,” she said, laughing.

“Call the cops? I’ve also got his therapist’s number.”

“I guess that works. Are you sure you’re ready for this? What if he gets violent?” Ryder wasn’t destructive toward anyone but himself.

“I’ve got a gun in my bedroom. I’ll bring it with me and hide it in my purse.” I’d also taken self-defense classes in college. I was never going to let anyone mess with me.

“Okay, but if you need anything, I want you to call me. My husband knows Krav Maga.”

“Good to know. You’ll be my backup plan.” I smiled, but she didn’t smile back.

“But seriously. I want you to call me.”

“Okay, I will. Would you also like me to send you periodic text messages letting you know that I’m still breathing?” She was being a little overprotective. Ryder wouldn’t hurt me, at least not physically. My heart, on the other hand . . .

Ugh. I needed to get over that. Like yesterday.

“This is serious. I know you think you know him, but he’s in trouble and he’s unpredictable. Anything could happen.” Wow, she was really worried about me.

“I’m going to be fine. Promise.” She didn’t look convinced. Only worried.

I didn’t go to Rory and Lucah’s apartment when I got home. They’d called to say that April was doing really poorly. Lucah was with Tate and Rory was with the girls at the house. Rory didn’t give me details, but it sounded like she was losing the baby. My heart broke for her. I couldn’t imagine going through that.

They hadn’t given me parameters for checking on Ryder, but I figured I should at least see if he wanted dinner. I could make him something and leave it outside the door.

The door was partially open, but I knocked anyway.

“Come in,” he said. I pushed the door open and stuck my head in, not ready to fully commit to going in all the way.

“Hey,” I said. He turned his head and got up from the couch where he’d been sitting.

“Wow, you look like shit,” I couldn’t help saying. “Sorry.”

He shrugged. “Whatever.”

“I, um, like the beard.”

“I didn’t grow it for you,” he said, going to the kitchen and pouring himself a glass of water. His attire was even shabbier than I was used to. Haggard was the only word I could use to describe his overall appearance. His scars seemed to stand out even more on his skin.

“I didn’t say you did.” He leaned his back against the counter and glared at me. Ouch.

“I know why you’re here. I don’t need a fucking babysitter. So you can just go down the hall and tell my jailers that you watched me and I was a good little boy.” All of the fear and anger from the night he’d ended up in the hospital came to the surface, as if it had been lying dormant, waiting until I saw him again.

“Look, this is a shitty situation for all of us, so let’s just make the best of it. Do you want dinner?”

He shrugged his shoulders and wouldn’t look at me.

“Okay, um, if you want anything, I'm making something.” He definitely wanted to be alone, so I backed out of the room.

“Wait,” he said and I stopped.

“I’m sorry,” he said. I really didn’t want to do this now. I gripped the doorknob and thought about just bolting.

“I fucked things up again and now they’re broken. I can’t say it enough, but I am sorry.” His voice broke and I thought he was going to cry. It made me want to cry. It also made me want to hug him and hold him and not let go. But I couldn’t do that.

“I loved you, you know.” I clamped my mouth shut. I didn’t mean to say that. Oh, why didn’t I have a delete button? I would give anything for it right at this moment.

He finally moved. His arms dropped and he looked at me in shock.

“You loved me?” Well, the cat was out of the bag now, and there was no cramming it back in. I didn’t think he’d buy a temporary insanity plea.

“I did.” Honestly, I didn’t know where I was on the love-o-meter with Ryder. I couldn’t see my feelings with any sort of clarity.

“Right,” he said, crossing his arms. “You loved me and I fucked it up, and now you no longer love me. Well, you wouldn’t be the first and you won’t be the last.”

I was trying to be patient, but he sure knew how to push my buttons. “Don’t be a martyr, Ryder. How can you expect people to keep giving you second and third and fourth chances? Life just doesn’t work that way. You can only take so much before you have to give up.”

His lips twisted into a smile. “That’s right. Giving up. I’m familiar with that too.”

“Sometimes giving up is easier than trying.” My entire family had given up on life. They’d rather not try than try and potentially fail. Much safer that way.

His face went bright red. Now I was pissing him off.

“You don’t fucking know me!” he roared. That flipped my anger switch. I wasn’t going to let him yell at me.

“You wouldn’t let me!” I screamed back.

Someone banged on the door.

“Keep it down in there!” A man yelled. Yet another grumpy neighbor. Our building seemed to be full of nosy and annoying people.

“Mind your own business,” Ryder and I yelled at the exact same time. The guy banged a few more times and then stomped back to his place when Ryder and I didn’t start up our yelling match again.

Instead of yelling, we just glared at each other.

I really should stop looking at him. Being here, in spite of how unbelievably enraged he made me, brought back a lot of memories. The kiss kept replaying, like my brain was skipping or broken or something.

“You loved me?” he asked, his voice soft as if he was almost afraid to ask.

“Yeah,” I said. “I did.” Do. Present tense. I’d thought that with some distance, and by telling myself how much he’d fucked up, the feelings would go away, or at least change to something more rational.

But here with him, alone again, everything good came rushing back. The bad times had been really bad, but the good times? More than epic.

“I’m sorry,” he said, and I laughed. The anger had fizzled now that we’d gotten it out of our systems.

“Yeah, well. All your stupid sexual comments and the way you stared at me must have gotten to me. You bastard.” Now he laughed and scratched his chin. I would not think about what it would be like to kiss him now with the addition of the beard. I would not.

“I guess I’m sorry for that too.”

“You should be.”

I didn’t know what to say now, and he didn’t seem to either.

He coughed.

“Do you want to help me make dinner?” It was something we used to do. Before the overdoses. I missed having him in the kitchen with me.

He thought about it for a second or two and then nodded.

“Yeah, sure.” I went to Rory’s fridge and looked through it to see what she had. Slim pickings, that’s what. I searched for something I could make into a complete meal and couldn’t find much. Guess they hadn’t had a chance to go grocery shopping in a while. Resorting to the pantry, I found some soup and bread in the breadbox. They had some crappy processed cheese that I normally wouldn’t be caught dead eating, but I was going to suck it up.

“This okay?” I laid out the ingredients.

“Whatever,” he said. I didn’t like this side of Ryder. He’d gone back to not giving a shit.

“Or I could just let you starve,” I said.

He scoffed. “I know how to make food for myself.”

“Prove it.”

“Oh, you think I can’t heat up soup and make some sandwiches? How moronic and inept do you think I am?” I knew he could do both. Hell, I’d almost trained him as a sous chef. But I missed having this easy banter with him. I liked it a lot more than the yelling.

“Nope. I bet you can’t.”

He rolled his eyes. “Watch me.”

Oh, I watched. I watched as he got down a pan, and I watched as he opened the can of soup, and I watched as he put the sandwiches together and buttered them, just like I taught him. I watched his body move around the kitchen and just appreciated the view.

“Did you miss me?” I asked as he handed me a glass of wine. He poured water for himself.

“What do you think?” he asked as he adjusted the flame on the burner so the bread didn’t burn.

“I think I’d like to hear you say it.” I sipped my wine and leaned against the counter.

He looked over his shoulder at me. “You know I missed you.”

“Good.”

“Do you think April will be okay?” he asked.

“I really don’t know. I can’t imagine what she’s going through right now,” I said.

We both thought about that for a moment and the mood turned heavy.

He flipped the sandwiches so they could brown on the other side and pressed them down with the spatula so the cheese would melt. I was so proud.

“So, did you miss me?” he asked, batting his eyelashes and changing the tone again. I picked up a napkin, balled it up, and threw it at him. He caught it in midair.

“I missed certain things. I didn’t miss your fucking drama.” Oops. I couldn’t stop saying the wrong things, could I?

“What did you miss?” he asked, throwing the napkin in the trash with perfect aim.

“I’m not going to give you a list,” I said, starting to feel self-conscious. Ryder always put me on the spot.

“Then give me two things.” He stirred the soup then poured it into two bowls.

“Your tattoos, for one,” I said. I didn’t want to tell him what I really missed.

“Oh, of course,” he said, rolling his eyes as he plated the sandwiches and cut them in half. He slid the bowl of soup over to me then the plate with the sandwich on it.

“And . . . the way you say my name.” That wasn’t too weird, right?

“The way I say your name?” he said, picking up half of his sandwich and dunking it into the soup before taking a bite. “I don’t get it.”

“I can’t explain it, but I like the way you say my name. It’s weird, okay?” I looked away from his face and down at my food. There was no way I was dunking my sandwich, so I started on my soup, blowing on a spoonful to cool it.

“I wasn’t aware of saying your name in any particular way, but okay then.”

We ate in silence.

“So, what did you miss about me?” I asked, pretending I wasn’t all that interested.

“Your tits, for one,” he said, mocking me. “And your eyes.”

“You mean my actual eyes? That’s not a euphemism for something?” I never knew with him.

He laughed. “No, I mean your actual eyes. The ones in your head. It’s not as much them as the way they look at me. I’ve missed seeing you. A lot.” Was he going to start opening up? I didn’t know if I could handle that.

“Yeah, I’ve missed you too. In spite of everything.” I swirled my soup in the bowl. I wasn’t actually that hungry. At least not anymore.

“I completely fucked up, Sloane.”

I smiled at his use of my name.

“Yeah, you did.”

He set down his spoon and sighed. “I don’t know what to do to fix things. Every time I try, something goes wrong. I mean, I do something wrong.”

I looked up from my soup at him. “Do you want to talk about it?” I asked.

“Are you sure? I feel like I’ve used you enough already. How can you still be here and talking to me? I would have at least punched me in the balls or something.” He smiled a little.

“I guess I have more faith in you than you do. But I have to be honest, Ryder, that night I really lost it. I could just see this cycle with you if I stayed. You’re in this dark place, and I didn’t want you to drag me down with you.” My words were brutally honest, but I knew he could take it. And I needed to be honest. With him and with myself.

“I know. I didn’t want that either. That was why I was always so conflicted. I really, really shouldn’t have kissed you. I should have let you go when I had the chance.” Yeah, he should have. But I might not have let him.

“You tried to get rid of me before, and look where we are. I’m back. Guess you can’t get rid of me after all.” We both smiled at each other.

“I don’t want to assume anything anymore, but I would really like it if you could trust me again. Sometime in the distant future, I’d like to earn it back from you.”

We were back on serious ground.

“I have to be honest, Ryder. I don’t know if I can give that to you.”

If there was anything I’d learned about Ryder, it was that love wasn’t enough. It didn’t conquer all.

“That’s fair. That’s completely fair. But would you give me the chance to try? That’s all I’m asking for. I know I don’t deserve it. Not even a little bit.” No, he didn’t. But love was a funny thing.

“I can try. We can both try.”

He smiled again and went back to his sandwich. “Good.” He dunked it into his soup, and I made a face.

“That’s disgusting.”

“Don’t knock it till you try it.”

“So she was basically like Elle Woods in the flesh. It was awful,” I said. I was catching Ryder up on what he’d missed in my life since we’d last talked.

“That is truly horrifying,” he said with a shudder. We were on the couch, a tub of ice cream between us.

“It was. Inari had to hold me back from saying something really awful to her.”

Ryder and I had been talking for hours, and it was getting late. I should also check my phone. I’d put it on silent for the time being, but I wanted to check with Rory and Lucah.

“Be right back,” I said, getting up. “Don’t eat the rest while I’m gone.”

“No promises,” he said as I headed to the bathroom.

I wanted to have some privacy so he wouldn’t ask me what I was doing and who I was texting.

There were only a few messages from Rory and Lucah. No change. It was a sort of wait and see situation. Rory said she was currently covered in glitter and wearing a tiara. Hey, at least those girls had taste. I messaged them back that Ryder was fine and to give our best to April and Tate.

I went back out to the living room to find Ryder shoving the empty ice cream container under the couch.

“Busted,” I said. “You’re trying to earn my trust and this is not the way to do it, R. Blythe.” I narrowed my eyes and glared.

“You have no idea what I’ve been through, S. Harris,” he said, pointing to the container. “These guys came in and held a gun to my head and told me if I yelled, they’d kill me. And then they ate the ice cream and jumped out the window. I’m lucky to be alive.” I had to give him points for style.

“How many of them were there?” I asked.

“Five. No, ten!”

“Was it five or ten? This is important information, Ryder. We should probably call the police.” This. I missed this. Being stupid with him.

“We should. Hold on.” He went and got a pad of paper and a pencil. “I think I can make sketches of them.” He started to draw, but the only problem was that Ryder wasn’t a very good artist. Well, he could do funny doodles, but that was about it.

“That is a bunch of stick figures with guns,” I said when he revealed it to me.

“Exactly. It was a stick man stick-up.” Oh, that was just ridiculous, and I told him so.

“You weren’t there. You don’t even know.” He shook his head and finally broke character and grinned. “I missed you,” he said.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“It’s getting really late,” I said. It was more than late. It was officially the middle of the night. I was exhausted and definitely wanted to get into bed.

“You can go back to your place. I’m not going to do anything while you’re gone,” he said, putting the last of the dishes in the dishwasher.

“Are you sure about that?” I said, half-serious.

“Yeah. I’m pretty sure my brother would kill you then kill me. I don’t want to fuck things up again, Sloane. I know I said that before, but I mean it now. I really do.”

“I want to believe you.”

“I know. I want to make you believe.” I got up off the couch and went to the door. He followed me.

“Thanks for doing this for Lucah and Rory. It was really good of you.”

“Yeah, well.”

“No, don’t brush it off. I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you. It really means a lot. See you tomorrow?” He leaned in the doorway, and I backed out.

“Thanks for saying that. And I’ll see you tomorrow.” He slowly closed the door and I headed back down the hallway.

The crazy thing about being with Ryder again wasn’t how hard it was. The crazy thing was how easy it was to fall back into our old routine. Our old banter and jokes. So damn easy.

I lay in bed and stared at the ceiling. Sleep wouldn’t come. That was okay. Tomorrow was Saturday, and I didn’t have any plans anyway, except for seeing Ryder. I really hoped April was going to be okay.

I’d missed Ryder more than I could fathom. Just seeing him made me want to smile until my face broke. He still had the power to make me happy.

Damn redheads. Rory had been the same way with Lucah. At least for her things had worked out. I flipped over on my stomach and punched my pillow so it would go into a more comfortable shape.

It didn’t do any good.

A delicious smell woke me the next morning. I’d finally gotten to sleep a few hours before daylight. I opened my eyes and saw a tray of steaming food sitting on my dresser. I only needed one guess to figure out who it was from.

“Ryder!” I yelled, and there was a knock at my bedroom door before he poked his head in.

“Yes? How can I be of service?”

I sat up and covered myself with my blanket even though I wasn’t naked. It was too intimate to have Ryder in my bedroom. The last time he’d been here we were naked.

“I want you to give me that key back,” I said as he grabbed the tray and brought it over to me, setting it on the bed. The food distracted me for a second. French toast, sliced oranges, a cup of coffee, and a little vase with a daisy in it. He was a charmer, that was for sure.

“Sure. I’ll give it back as soon as I’ve made a copy.” He grinned and sat down on the edge of my bed.

I shook my head. “No, I want you to give the key back so you can’t get into my apartment anymore. Or else I’ll just change the locks.” That would be expensive, but necessary.

“But I brought you breakfast,” he said, pointing to the tray. I was absolutely ravenous, and I wanted to fall on the food like a wild animal, but I resisted. I couldn’t show him how much I wanted it.

“Ryder. Aren’t you supposed to be earning my trust? Breaking into my apartment isn’t exactly a good way to go about that.”

He smiled. “But I didn’t break in. You gave me a key.” I nearly picked up the tray and threw it at him. “I just wanted to do something nice for you to thank you for last night and everything. For agreeing to give me another chance.”

“You are on thin ice, mister,” I said, picking up the fork and then spreading the napkin on my lap.

“Enjoy your breakfast,” he said, ignoring my comment and getting to his feet. “I’ll be down the hall if you need more syrup.” He closed the door and I listened as he left the apartment, locking the door behind him. I really needed to get that key back.

I stabbed a corner of the French toast with my fork then cut it up with my knife. I knew it would be good. I’d given him a very extensive French toast lesson once. He’d done great. The toast wasn’t mushy in the middle or too done on the outside.

“Damn,” I said as I ate. If he kept cooking like this for me, he was on the road to forgiveness.

When I was done, I got up and got dressed, pulling my hair back and applying light makeup before carrying the tray to the kitchen. He’d obviously cooked in Rory’s kitchen, so I needed to bring the plates back, but I could do that later. I texted her and asked how things were going, but she didn’t respond right away. I really hoped that no news was good news.

Figuring I should get back to my babysitting duties, I walked down the hall. The door was unlocked, but no one answered when I knocked so I just went in.

“Ryder?” I called out. No answer. I started looking through the apartment. It took me a minute to hear the shower. Oh. I backed slowly out of the apartment and decided to come back later. I definitely didn’t need to see Ryder in the shower or think about Ryder in the shower or anything relating to Ryder being naked and running water.

I really needed to get a grip.

I waited so long for Ryder to get out of the shower that he came and found me.

“How was breakfast?” he asked as he unlocked the door and walked in.

“You have a real problem with respecting personal space, you know that?” I really needed to put my foot down.

“I guess. Next time I’ll knock. How’s that?”

“That should have been your first instinct. I mean, this is my apartment. I’d, you know, like some privacy.”

He thought about that for a second. “Yeah, you’re right.” And he dropped my key on the counter.

“No copies?” I asked, narrowing my eyes.

“Nope. On my honor,” he said, holding up his hand then crossing his heart. “I mean, for what it’s worth.”

I didn’t comment on his honor.

“Well, thank you.” I snatched the key in case this was some sort of trap.

“So, what are you up to today?” he asked. “I heard the news from Lucah. Looks like they have to wait for a while to see how everything is going to turn out. I wish I could be there.”

“I bet. I really wish there was something I could do,” I said.

“You are doing it.” Not really. This wasn’t nearly as hard as I thought it would be. In fact, it was much too easy.

“What are you doing?” I asked as he went to the sink.

“Dishes,” he said, as if it was obvious. “I’m not going to make you clean up. Besides, I got really good at washing dishes those three days I actually did it.” He set the tray down with a clatter.

“So, that was how long you lasted?” He probably didn’t want to talk about this, but tough. He had to talk to someone.

“Yeah. I got a little mouthy, and that was it. They’d already taken a risk hiring me, so I was on thin ice there, too.” I hopped up on the counter and swung my legs.

“So, what did you do all those days when you were supposed to be working?”

He shrugged and didn’t look at me. “Walked around.” That was the answer he’d given his brother. I didn’t buy it.

“No, really. What did you do? Because that was a hell of a lot of time to spend strolling.”

He dropped a glass and it shattered in the sink.

“Fuck,” he said, yanking his hand back.

“Did you cut yourself?” I asked, jumping off the counter and rushing to him.

“Yeah.” He ran his hand under the water.

“How bad is it? Let me see.” I grabbed his arm and yanked it towards me so I could see if the cut was bad. Fortunately, it was shallow and only about a half-inch long. Still, it was bleeding.

“Hold that under the water,” I said, and went to the bathroom to find some ointment and bandages. Ryder let me patch him up, and then I shoved him to the side so I could finish the dishes.

“You’re good at taking care of people, Sloane,” he said as I fished the rest of the glass out of the sink so it didn’t go down the drain.

I snorted. “Um, all I did was put a bandage on you. No big deal.” I finished the dishes, and we both sat on the couch.

“No, you’re good at taking care of people. You may not see it, but I do.” Okay, sure. I wasn’t going to argue with him.

“Hey, it’s snowing!” I said, jumping up and going to the window. I loved the first snow. Not so much the rest of it, but the first snow was always the best. In a perfect world, it would only snow once every winter. Maybe then people wouldn’t complain about it so much.

Ryder joined me at the window. The snowflakes were just what they should be. Soft and floating down slowly from the sky. It was too warm for them to stick to the ground and actually form drifts, but it didn’t matter. I still loved watching it.

“Let’s go for a walk,” he said in my ear.

I turned and found our faces only inches apart. The last time we’d been this close, we’d been kissing. I had to stop thinking about stuff like that. Shut it down, Sloane.

“A walk?” I said. I couldn’t stop staring at his lips. They were so tempting.

“A walk,” he said, then pulled back. “Take a walk in the snow with me.”

“We probably shouldn’t tell Rory and Lucah,” I said as we strolled through the falling snow. The streets were relatively quiet, making the whole experience feel like it was just the two of us.

“About what?” he asked.

“About the walk. I’m not sure if it’s on the list of approved activities for you.”

He looked at me out of the corner of his eye. “They gave you a list of things I was allowed to do?”

I nodded, keeping my face totally serious. “Yes, they did.”

“And what was on the list?”

“Checkers. Chess. Reading the Bible. Scrimshaw. Poetry.”

He raised his eyebrows. It was hard to keep a straight face.

“Really? Scrimshaw? Now that’s a hobby I could definitely get into.”

“You don’t even know what scrimshaw is,” I said, poking him with my elbow.

“No, I have no idea.”

We kept walking, matching each other’s pace. The snow was melting in his hair, coating the strands with little bits of water that picked up the light.

“Can I ask you a question?” I said, looking ahead again. I didn’t want to stare too much at him. He scrambled my brain and killed my common sense.

“Sure,” he said.

“How did you get that scar on your face? I’ve never asked.” I’d wanted to ask so many times, but he’d always been so touchy about his past.

Ryder ran a finger down the cut on the side of his cheek. To be that long and deep, it had to have quite the story.

“It’s stupid. The reason I don’t tell anyone is because I’d rather have them think that I got it in a street fight or something. That’s much better for my cred than the real story.” He did have a point, but I didn’t care about his cred. I cared about who he really was.

“Okay, well, I won’t tell anyone so you can keep up your cred. But I want to know. I promise I won’t think it’s stupid.”

He thought about it for a second, fighting with himself.

“You are well aware I’ve done a lot of stupid things. A lot of beyond stupid things. It’s honestly a miracle I’ve survived this long. I seem to attract danger. Or maybe I seek it.”

“I think it’s a little bit of both,” I said, interrupting. “But continue.”

“When I was seventeen I got drunk and put my head through a window. There was this one shard of glass that got me. Most of the other scars on my face have faded, but that one’s here to stay.” He touched the scar again then put his hand back in his pocket.

“Why did you put your face through a window?” There were so many possible scenarios.

He looked up at the sky and his face got red.

“See? This is why I don’t like talking about this. I did it on a dare. A very drunk dare. I told you I was stupid.” Yeah, that was pretty stupid. Sure, we’d all done dumb things when we were young, but I couldn’t put that on my own list of moronic decisions.

“Ouch. It must have hurt.”

“It did. When I sobered up.” He grinned and we both started laughing.

“Can I ask you something?” he said after a few more steps.

“Fire away.”

“Why don’t you hate me?” Whoa. I wasn’t prepared for that. I thought he was going to ask something about my own mistakes. I had plenty and I was willing to talk about most of them, though some things I’d buried in the back of my mental closet, never to be seen or heard from again.

“I don’t know,” I said, being honest. “I really wanted to hate you. Even in that moment, I thought I did, but I was more angry.”

“Yeah, I was pretty mad at myself too.” The snow started falling more heavily, the flakes collecting and melting on my eyelashes. I wiped them away.

“I was mad at you for a lot of reasons. You were doing so well and then you threw it away. I know you have a problem with addiction, but that shouldn’t excuse your actions. You have to be a fucking grown up and take responsibility for yourself. There are millions of other people who have had shittier lives than you that manage to suck it up and make something of themselves. And I don’t just mean being a dishwasher and living in a shitty apartment. That may be fine for some, but I don’t think that’s enough for you. I think you could do more.” Wow, I did not mean to make any sort of speech.

Ryder was silent for a few steps.

“I think I’ve just been fucking up for so long I don’t know how to just . . . let things happen. Let life happen. I guess I know that I’ll inevitably mess something up, so I screw it up on purpose.”

“A self-fulfilling prophecy,” I said.

“Exactly. But I want to change. I want to be better. And not so my brother will get off my back. I can’t explain it, but this time is different. I’m tired of it. I’m tired of living this way. I want something different. Something better.” God, I wanted to believe him. But I couldn’t do that until he showed me.

“Good. That’s really good, Ryder. But now you have to walk the talk.”

He sighed. “Yeah. That’s the hard part.”

“That’s what she said.” The words came out before I could stop them. Ryder burst out laughing, throwing his head back.

“I never want to do anything to drive you out of my life again. Ever.”

Oh. Wow. I looked down so he wouldn’t see the grin on my face.

“I’d really like that too, Ryder.”

We got lunch at a sub shop then walked back to the apartment. The snow had stopped, and the only residue left was the wetness on the sidewalk and in the air.

I was thinking about babies. Maybe it was the thing with April that brought it to mind. If anything, this had just made me even more secure in my decision not to have children. It wasn’t just the child raising part. I didn’t think that I could go through losing a pregnancy. No way.

“What are you thinking about?” Ryder asked. I’d been silent for a while.

“Stuff,” I said. Brilliant. But I couldn’t come up with something else and I didn’t want to talk babies with Ryder.

“Uh-huh.” The elevator doors opened to our floor. Without even asking, I followed Ryder down to Rory and Lucah’s apartment.

Ryder shut the door behind me and tossed his keys onto the kitchen counter. It hadn’t escaped my notice that he was wearing another one of my ensembles. Good thing I’d made a winter coat.

“Can I talk to you about something?” he said as I crashed on the couch. The room was like a sauna compared to outside. Still, I wanted to put on thick socks and drink cocoa. For the millionth time, I wished our building had units with fireplaces. Someday, I’d have a place with a fireplace. And a giant tub. But definitely a fireplace.

“Yeah,” I answered Ryder, still thinking about snow and fireplaces.

“I think I’m going away.” I looked over my shoulder at him. He stood with his forearms braced on the back of the couch. I turned so I wouldn’t have to break my neck trying to see him.

“What do mean by ‘away’?”

He took a breath and looked down at his hands. “I think I’m going to treatment. An inpatient treatment.” I knew he’d been before, without much success.

“Yeah? Do you think it will help?”

He nodded. “I think this time it will. I can’t let all this shit eat away at my life. I’m only twenty-three and I don’t want my life to be over yet. Not when it feels like it hasn’t even started.”

“I think that’s a really mature thing to say and a very mature decision to make. Have you talked to Lucah and Tate about it?”

He walked around the couch and sat down next to me.

“No, I haven’t yet. I wasn’t sure if I could do it. I found this place online that looks amazing. It’s out in the mountains of Colorado. You get to hike and climb rocks and do all sorts of things while you get therapy. The only thing is that it costs money. Money I do not have.” His face went red again. I didn’t know why he was suddenly embarrassed by his lack of money.

“I’m sure your brothers would pay for it. You really should talk to them if this is what you want,” I said, touching his arm.

“Yeah, I know. I just . . . I don’t want them to think that I’m going to disappoint them again. I know I have every other time they’ve had faith in me, but I really think this time I can do it.”

My phone rang, interrupting us.

“Hold on just a sec. It’s your brother.” I got up from the couch to answer. I didn’t feel comfortable talking about Ryder in front of Ryder.

“Hey, how’s it going?” I said.

“Hey, Sloane. I just wanted to let you know that April is out of the woods. She went into early labor and they gave her something to stop it and it finally worked. They’re going to keep her here a few more days to make sure and then she’s going to be on bed rest for the rest of the pregnancy.”

“Oh thank God. That’s so amazing. I’m so happy for all of you.”

“Thanks. How are things going with you?”

“Things are going good. No problems. He’s been a perfect gentleman,” I said, winking at Ryder.

“Are you being sarcastic? It’s really hard to tell right now.” I heard something muffled in the background that sounded like Rory and then there was a childish voice laughing hysterically.

“No, I’m not being sarcastic. We’ve been fine. He made me dinner last night.” It was soup and grilled cheese, but still. It required some skill in the kitchen.

“He did?” Lucah sounded shocked, and I hear Rory say something.

“Look, everything is fine here. We might do some scrimshaw.”

“What?” Lucah said. I grinned at Ryder and he shook his head at me.

“Nothing. Look, you’re busy. We’re fine here. We’ll see you soon.”

“Okay, okay. I’ll let you know when we’re coming home.”

“Sounds good. Bye, Lucah. Say hello to Rory for me.”

“I will.” We hung up and I found Ryder staring at me.

“What the hell is scrimshaw?” Ryder said. “I’m seriously curious now.”

Lucah called again that night and said they’d be coming home on Sunday night. April’s mother was coming to stay with them for a while to take care of the girls until they could figure out a solution for the rest of the pregnancy.

The rest of the weekend with Ryder was somewhat uneventful, but it was . . . comfortable. Sweet. Sure, we had a few awkward moments when he accidentally (or so he said) grazed my boob when he went to hand me something, or his hand brushed my ass.

I couldn’t lie and say I didn’t enjoy it, and I also couldn’t lie and say I hadn’t pretended to trip so I could grope his arms. For a guy who didn’t work out much (that I knew of), his arms were roped with muscle. He would look so majestic in a flannel shirt and posed on top of a mountain. The beard was just an added bonus.

Sunday afternoon was spent with me drawing new sketches for bridesmaids’ dresses and Ryder criticizing them. I should have been offended, but I wasn’t, so I started making bad designs on purpose.

“Now you’re just being cruel,” he said when I showed him something that looked like it was ripped from a bad 80s prom.

“And if we do it in metallic? How awesome would that be?” I said. He started laughing and snatched the sketchpad away from me, holding it just out of reach.

“Ryder!” I struggled to get to it, but he stood up and held it aloft.

“No. I can’t give this back to you. I think all this fashion power has gone to your head, and you’re mad with it. I’m only doing what’s best for you and for all of us.” His face got serious as he tossed the book from hand to hand. I stopped trying to get it. If I did, things could get really intimate, really fast with all that grabbing.

“Fine, keep it. It’s not like I don’t have a million more of those at my apartment. And you gave back my key.” I gave him a smug smile, but he didn’t give back the sketchpad.

“Shit. I shouldn’t have given you that key back before I made a copy.” He shook his head. I, for one, was glad he no longer had a key. I kept having this nightmare that he’d walk in when I was doing something like clipping my toenails. I didn’t care so much if he saw me naked, but there were a lot of things I did that I didn’t want him to know about.

“Yeah, well. You lose.”

He pouted and handed back the sketchbook.

“Thank you. And you know I’d never put Marisol and Chloe in such awful dresses. They’d both kill me then dispose of the body.” My friends were smart and wily. They knew how to get away with things.

“Yeah, they would. And they’d never get caught.” Ryder had met my friends a couple of times but hadn’t seen them in a while.

“Maybe we should all hang out or something. You know, with Lucah and Rory, and maybe Fin,” I said. Or maybe not. It might feel too couple-y if we did it that way.

“Maybe. I don’t know. I’m not that much in the mood for hanging out these days,” he said. To me, that was one of the problems. Ryder spent the majority of his time in the apartment. That was bound to drive anyone crazy. When we used to go stay with Rory and her family up in Maine, we’d joke that if we were stuck there for too long we’d go cabin crazy.

“And it’s not exactly easy to make friends,” Ryder said. Yeah, that was a real problem. It wasn’t like he was in college, or on a team, or had a job, which were all the usual places people made friends. I had a few guys working for me, but a lot of them had their own groups, and most were slightly fabulous. Not really Ryder’s type of friends.

“Maybe you’ll meet people in Colorado.”

He raised one eyebrow. “Make friends with other addicts? Probably not the best idea. Although, I do hang out with Gil.”

“Yeah, there’s Gil. He’s a good guy. And if you were around people who were struggling with the same thing then maybe it would help. Not that I know anything about this. I’m just guessing.” It sounded right.

Ryder shrugged. “I don’t know. I really don’t know. The thing is, if I want to do this, I have to go now. It’s going to be winter in the mountains as it is.”

“So you’re going to be camping in the woods in the middle of winter? Is that even safe?” That didn’t sound safe at all. What about frostbite?

Ryder laughed. “Yeah, it’s safe. People do it all the time. You just have to get special winter camping gear and have an experienced guide with you. They have all that there. Besides, it sounds pretty badass.” It sounded pretty crazy to me, but if he wanted to do it, then that was great. This was the first thing, other than sex, that Ryder had shown an interest in for a long time. It was nice to see his eyes light up again.

“So, what else do they have there?” I asked, wanting to hear more about the program. He pulled up the website and showed me all the things he could potentially do. The only thing I noticed was the length of the session. Thirty days minimum. One whole month in the Colorado wilderness. In the snow.

“I really want to do it,” he said.

“I can tell. You should.” I scanned the cost per day for the program and had done some quick math. Apparently camping in the winter in the Colorado mountains wasn’t cheap. There was definitely no way Ryder could come up with that kind of cash on short notice.

“I’m going to talk to Lucah when he gets back. Speaking of that, when are they coming back?” he asked, glancing at the clock on the wall.

“Soon,” I said. Soon my weekend with Ryder would be over. Somehow, we’d made it through without having sex or even getting close.

Sure, there had been plenty of times when I imagined him slamming me up against a wall, kissing the fuck out me, and then fucking me while he kissed me. I’d pictured what sex with Ryder would be like since the day we’d met. But I had the feeling reality would blow away my imagination.

Not that I’d ever find out. Ryder and I definitely weren’t going to have sex.

A half hour after they said they’d be home, Rory and Lucah walked through the door.

“Hey,” Rory said, running to hug me. She seemed exhausted, but in better spirits than when she left.

“Hey,” I said, hugging her back. “How is everything? Tell me.”

She sighed and I could tell that she really needed some sleep first.

“On second thought, why don’t you go have a nap and then come and talk to me?” She smiled gratefully and shuffled off to the bedroom.

Ryder and Lucah were talking quietly and I felt like an intruder.

“I’m going to head back down the hall. I’m really happy April is okay,” I said to Lucah before giving him a hug.

“Thank you so much, Sloane. That really means a lot.”

I puttered around my place and Rory knocked on the door a few hours later looking better-rested.

“I feel so much better. Kids are damn exhausting,” she said, collapsing on the couch. I made her some coffee and sat next to her.

“Was it fun, though?”

She smiled and curled her feet up under her.

“Yeah, it was. It made me think of having my own.” Oh no. She had baby fever.

“I thought you weren’t ready for ginger babies,” I said.

She blushed. “Yeah, well. Things change. Lucah so wonderful with his nieces, and I think it would be wrong to deprive him of the chance to have his own. And I want them too. I don’t know why. Not right this second, of course. I’d like to be married for a few years and hopefully get Dad retired. And I’d need to find someone to run the company while I was on maternity leave. It’s a lot to think about, and right now I want to concentrate on the wedding.”

That seemed like a good plan.

“Okay. Because I don’t really fancy being Auntie Sloane right away. Although, your kids will be the best dressed kids ever.”

She laughed. “That they will. When they come. Which will not be for several years.”

“Right.”

“Years,” she said, adding emphasis.

“I got it, I got it. Are you trying to convince me, or you?”

She groaned and put her head in her hands. “I need a glass of wine.”

“Your wish is my command,” I said.

Rory and Lucah nearly fell asleep during dinner, so we called it a night earlier than usual. I went back to my place and started working on the new tear-away lingerie. It needed a catchy name, but I was coming up blank. I needed to let that idea marinate for a few days, and the perfect thing would probably hit me when I least expected it.

There was a knock at my door, and I knew who I wanted it to be. My hopes were confirmed when I looked through the peephole.

“Hey,” I said, opening the door and letting him in. I hadn’t put on my pajamas yet for just this reason.

“They both crashed, so I figured it was safe.” He leaped over the couch and sat down, leaning back. I joined him.

“So, did you talk to your brother about Colorado?”

Ryder sighed. “No. I didn’t have the balls to do it tonight. Not with everything else going on.”

“You could have brought it up at dinner. I would have backed you up.”

He rubbed his eyes. “I know, I know. I thought about it, and then I couldn’t do it. It’s a lot of money, Sloane.”

“True, but I’m sure Lucah still has some from his days in corporate espionage. And Rory has plenty.” Well, her family did, which was pretty much the same thing. And I knew she did decently well on her own anyway.

“I know,” he repeated.

“Listen, this is a hard thing to do, to ask for help and for money. But I think Lucah will understand. And if he doesn’t, I’ll give you the money.” I hadn’t intended to tell him that. I was only going to give it to him if he couldn’t get it from Lucah. Sure, I wasn’t the richest girl out there, and I’d spent a lot recently preparing for the fashion show, but I wasn’t an idiot when it came to money. I had plenty set aside for a rainy day or other contingencies.

Ryder shook his head. “No way. I’m not taking money from you.”

“Well, if Lucah gives it to you, then you won’t have to. But it’s yours if you need it. I just wanted you to know that.”

He just kept shaking his head.

“No. I can’t do that.” He got up from the couch as if he was going to leave.

“I’m offering. It’s just money, Ryder. And it’s not like you’re asking me to invest in your new business venture of turning cow shit into gold. The money is for a good purpose.” He paced a little then went to the kitchen to get himself a glass of water.

“I won’t take your money, no matter what,” he said after he drained one glass.

“Fine. Don’t take it,” I said.

He raised an eyebrow. “You’re giving up that easily?”

“No. But I don’t have to give the money directly to you. I can pay for the program in your name, and then you’ll have to go.”

His glare could have frozen boiling water.

“You are not doing that.”

I got up and joined him in the kitchen. We needed something to diffuse the situation. I handed him a cookie and took one for myself.

“I can do whatever I want, R. Blythe. You can’t stop me.” I bit the cookie and smiled at him. He munched his and kept his glare on. I wondered how long it would last.

“Fuck, these are amazing,” he said as he chewed. All hail the power of the cookie.

“I know.” I had another, and so did he.

“Let’s not talk about the money right now,” I suggested.

“That’s probably a good plan. I’ll talk to him tomorrow.”

“You can do it,” I said. I wanted to hug him, or touch his arm, or do something. So I moved closer to him and leaned my head on his shoulder. After a moment of hesitation, he put his arm around my waist and pulled me a tiny bit closer. We finished the cookies, not moving.

“Can we just stay like this forever?” he said, his voice soft.

“We could try. But we’d probably need to shower eventually.”

He laughed. “Yeah. And getting to the bathroom would also be a problem.”

“And eating.”

“And sleeping.”

I turned a little and he tucked me into his chest, putting his other arm around me. Both of my arms went around him, and we shared the best hug in the history of hugs.

“I’m so lucky to have you. I don’t deserve it, after all I’ve done,” he said, his voice muffled by my hair.

I wasn’t going to argue with him. The hug was too perfect. I turned my head to the side and listened to his heart.

Never ever would I underestimate the power of a hug. Well, at least of Ryder’s hugs.

We stayed like that for a while until Ryder finally cleared his throat and pulled back. His eyes were a little red, and I wondered if he’d been crying and I just couldn’t see it.

“You okay?” I asked. He nodded and leaned forward, placing the smallest of kisses on my forehead.

“I think I will be.”

Ryder left after the hug. I went to bed and slept well for the first time in weeks. Note to self, Ryder hugs are sleep-inducing.

I woke up feeling better than I had in ages. Like I could leap out of bed and bench press a car, right after running a marathon.

“You’re smiling,” Inari said, staring at me. She’d walked into my office to give me my morning vat of coffee. I’d only had one, but I was still feeling amazing.

“Yes. Is there something wrong with that?” I’d already gone through and answered a bunch of emails and now was working on the design for the show. We’d had a meeting and one of my new interns, Alice, had suggested (go figure) an Alice in Wonderland garden party theme. As soon as she said it, ideas started going off in my head like fireworks, and it was all I could do to hurry and write them down. A lot of the effects would be created by the video screen, but I also planned to have teacups lining the runway, and two columns with vines on them. It was all going to be super cool and quirky. The perfect backdrop for the lingerie.

“No, not at all. I just haven’t seen you smile in a while.” What was a while?

“Yeah, well. I had a good weekend.” I bit my lip to keep myself from grinning too much. If I told her what I’d done with Ryder, it would sound silly. There was no sex, and the only kiss I’d gotten had been on my forehead. That didn’t matter though. Ryder and I had a connection I couldn’t explain. One of the things that had initially attracted me to him was how comfortable he made me feel, as if we’d known each other for years, or even a lifetime. Maybe past lifetimes too.

“Good for you. What did you do?” I told her that I’d spent time with Ryder and then about Rory’s tear-away lingerie idea.

“That actually isn’t terrible. They make those nursing bras that have Velcro or hooks on the straps so you can take them down. What if we took that and applied it to lingerie? I can’t believe no one has done this before.”

“Oh, they probably have. But it hasn’t caught on as a trend yet. I think we might be able to change that.” The only problem would be showing it on the runway. Unless the models were wearing bodysuits or something. I didn’t mind a little bit of nudity, but I didn’t want to push things too far in that direction and turn it into a strip show.

“I think it’s awesome and you should definitely do it. Oh, do you have the sketch for the set yet? Kendra’s been asking for it.” Kendra had a company that would do all my larger set pieces. We’d become friends in college when she’d been majoring in set design.

“I’m almost done. I’ll have them by lunch.”

“Oh, and don’t forget, we’re doing the model casting.” Shit. I had forgotten.

“Right, right.” I was in such a good mood, I didn’t even pretend to shoot myself at the idea of a model casting.

“I’m glad you had a good weekend,” she said before she shut the door and left me to my work.

Yeah, me too.

I was late getting home from the studio. I’d been on the phone with Kendra talking about dimensions and materials and costs. The show wasn’t going to be cheap, but she thought she had some things she could paint and repurpose for me.

I’d texted Rory and said I wouldn’t be around for dinner and she should go ahead without me. As soon as I set my bag down there was a knock at the door. I opened it since I was standing right there. Rory had a somewhat shocked look on her face.

“Did you know about Ryder wanting to go to Colorado?” Well, hello to you, too.

“Uh, yeah. He asked me about it this weekend.” She came in and started pacing around the room. Uh oh. She was amped up.

“I don’t know what to do. Ryder clearly wants to go, and he asked Lucah if he’d loan him the money.”

“Yeah, the place is expensive. What did he say?” I really hoped he’d said yes.

“He said he had to think about it, but I really think he should do it. Ryder seems sincere this time. Like he really wants to do this. And this is the first time he’s wanted to do something like this and researched it on his own.”

“So what’s the problem?” I asked.

Rory sighed and stopped pacing. “Lucah’s just been let down so many times, and I think he’s tired of it. But if he doesn’t give him the money, I’ll do it.”

I wanted to throw my arms around her. There were a lot of reasons she was my best friend.

“You would?”

“Well, yeah. It’s not like he’s asking for money to start up a crack den. He wants to get help.” I’d pretty much said the same thing.

“Stubborn redheads,” I said, shaking my head at Lucah. “Well, I told Ryder if he didn’t get the money from Lucah, I’d give it to him. He pretty much refused, but he can’t stop me if it comes down to that.”

Rory smiled at me. “I figured you’d say that. But I’ve got this. And I think Lucah will come around. He just needs a little more time, or maybe some more convincing. I’ll see what I can do. Anyway, I just wanted to ask about that. So, how was your day? How’s the show coming?”

I told her about my ideas for the show then asked her about work. We talked for a while, and Rory seemed reluctant to go back to her place.

“I want to give them enough time to sort things out. You know how they can be.” Yup. They’d yell for a long time, and that would be followed by periods of steely silence. For two people who didn’t seem to have much in common, they certainly did in their fighting styles.

“Got it. Do you want anything?”

She shook her head. “I’m good.”

A knock sounded at the door and I went to answer it. Ryder.

“Hey, I just wanted to let you know that you can come back, Rory.” I couldn’t tell if he was happy or upset. His face wasn’t showing any emotion.

“I wasn’t hiding out in here,” Rory said. “I can’t visit my best friend that I used to live with?”

“Well?” I said, directing my question at Ryder.

“He said he’d do it. But I have to pay him back, and if this doesn’t work, he’s done. Done, done.” I was sure Lucah had said that before, but this time he probably meant it. I knew how he felt. That night at the hospital I’d been done. And Lucah had years of dealing with this, whereas I’d only had months. I couldn’t imagine the toll that would take on a person.

“Well, that means you have to cowboy up and get it done,” I said.

“Did you just say ‘cowboy up’?” Rory asked.

“Yes. You know what I meant.” I really wanted to have a moment alone with Ryder, and Rory seemed to get the hint.

“Well, on that note, I think I’m going to mosey back down the hall. Y’all come back now, you hear?” she said in a terrible Southern accent. I waved at her and Ryder said he’d be back in a few minutes. She shut the door, and we were alone.

“When are you leaving?” I asked as I resisted the urge to throw myself on him and beg him not to go. Colorado was a long way away from Boston. And he’d be in the wilderness, and probably not allowed to use cell phones.

“As soon as possible. There’s a new session that starts next week.” I’d had a feeling it would be that soon but didn’t want to believe it until he said it.

“And are you ready?”

He chuckled. “I have no idea. But that’s part of it, I think.”

I took a few steps toward him and put my arms around his neck. “I’m really happy for you.”

“Thanks. I don’t really know how I feel. Scared shitless, but there’s this peace I feel that I can’t put my finger on. I can’t really explain it, but this feels right. For the first time in a long time, this feels good.”

“I’m going to miss you,” I whispered. That was an understatement.

“I’ll miss you too. We’re only allowed to call home once a week, and it’s supervised. But we’re allowed to write letters. They mail them out every day. So I’ll write you.”

I pulled back so I could see his face.

“You’ll write me?” There was something hopeful about that. Even more hopeful than a phone call or an email.

“Every day, if I can. Even if I have nothing to say.”

My heart squeezed, and I wanted to kiss him so much it hurt.

“I very much doubt you would ever have nothing to say,” I said. He smiled and the urge to kiss him became overwhelming. Every second that I fought it was excruciating.

“The last time I kissed you, I screwed everything up,” he said. “But do you think we could try it again? I mean, I am a man going off into the wilderness for a month. I need something warm to take with me.”

Now I was fighting the desire to roll my eyes.

“You’re not a soldier going off to war and probably not coming back, Ryder.” But I wanted to kiss him anyway.

“So?”

“Will you just let me kiss you?” I opened my mouth to say something else and he shut me up with another kiss. He really had to stop doing that.

This time the kiss wasn’t as sweet and tentative. To his credit, he did give me a chance to push him away before he really went for it.

It was better than the last time. So much better. His lips ignited something inside me that I’d been suppressing for so long, and I was desperate for more. He must have felt my urgency because he plunged his tongue in my mouth and pressed closer, like he was trying to meld us together. I would have been absolutely fine with that.

This was what I thought kissing Ryder would be like, but of course, this was so much better than anything I could have imagined.

I couldn’t breathe, but it was low on my list of priorities. He pulled me up so I was on my tiptoes, a feat I never thought I would get to experience, being so tall.

My heart beat wildly in my chest, and I could barely stand it. Ryder pulled away from the kiss and I nearly gasped as if I’d been under water and had just burst through the surface.

“You’re trembling,” he said, holding me tight.

“I am?”

“Yeah.” I wanted him to keep kissing me, but he didn’t. Instead he held me and gazed into my eyes like he was memorizing me.

“I’m taking this with me,” he said. “This right here.”

“Go ahead,” I said. “Take all you want.”

He chuckled. “I didn’t mean it like that.”

“I know,” he said. “Although if we did that, I might not want to go.”

True.

“Well, we can’t have that. You need to go and become a mountain man. I’ll be fantasizing about you the whole time.” That made him full-on laugh.

“Good. Though the reality probably won’t be the stuff of fantasies.”

“That’s why they’re called fantasies. Because they’re better than reality.”

“What happens when the reality exceeds the fantasy?” he asked.

I thought he was going to kiss me again, but he took a step backwards. I didn’t reply to his question because I didn’t have an answer.

“I should go,” he said, and I could feel him withdrawing again from me. That was fine. Probably good, seeing as how he was going to be gone soon.

“Until tomorrow,” he said.

“Until tomorrow,” I echoed.

The next few days were a blur. Things started moving fast on the plans for the fashion show. I got through the dreaded model casting without even yelling at anyone, which was a record for me. Inari brought me a cake as a reward from one of the only bakeries that could make one better than I did.

“I don’t know how you can eat all those sweets and stay so thin,” she said as I devoured my second slice.

“Me neither. God blessed me with a fast metabolism, but then gave me a shitty family to even things out.” I wasn’t sure if I would have rather had it the other way around.

She just shook her head at me.

Work was great, but when I got home, all I could think about was Ryder and how little time we had left before he headed off to the mountains. He came over and hung out with me after dinner and we went to lunch a few times as well.

He didn’t kiss me again, and I tried not to be disappointed. Of course, I thought about kissing him, but then I pussied out, every time. I didn’t want to make things weird for him.

The prospect of getting letters from him made the fact that he was going to be gone for a month suck a lot less. Plus, it was only a month—I could get through a month without him. And then he’d come back and things would be better, and then maybe . . . maybe.

“To Ryder’s last night in civilization,” I said, raising my glass. We’d decided to go out for Ryder’s “last meal.” Lucah was totally on board with him going since he’d showed such initiative and desire to do this.

“Hear, hear!” we all said, toasting to his good health and not getting frostbite.

“So, what are you going to miss the most?” Rory asked.

“Indoor plumbing,” he said immediately. That made us all laugh.

“I have to say, I’m really proud of you, Ryder,” Lucah said.

“Thanks, brother. I hope that pride will continue. I think it will this time,” he said. I had a few tears in my eyes as Lucah patted him on the shoulder. I loved when they were like this.

“I think so, too,” Lucah said.

“How’s April?” I asked. Lucah laughed.

“She’s not liking bed rest too much. Tate has threatened to handcuff her, but not in a sexy way,” he said.

“Yeah, I'm guessing sex is not on the agenda when you’re on bed rest,” I said.

“I think I’d probably go crazy,” Rory said. I bet she would. Without the ability to pace around when she was stressed, she might go nuts.

“Oh, I think I could find other ways to amuse you,” Lucah said, wiggling his eyebrows. Ryder made a disgusted sound and Lucah pretend-punched him in the shoulder.

“Oh, by the way, I talked to Gil the other day,” Ryder said to me.

“Oh yeah? How’s the art business? Has he done any Dumpster diving lately?”

“Yup. He’s now working on a project with old light bulbs. He explained it, but he was all artsy and existential. I pretended I was getting it, but I definitely didn’t.” Yeah, I wouldn’t get it either.

“Sounds about right,” I said. I hoped that Ryder would hang out with Gil more often. He seemed to be a good sort of guy.

“He also said that if I wanted, he’d hire me on as a part-time assistant. I’d basically be standing next to him in the dumpster, holding the bag, or getting him chai lattes, but it would still be a job. And who knows? Maybe I could be an artist?”

Now there was an idea. I knew Ryder had an amazing brain and tons of imagination. He just needed an outlet for it.

“We do need an artist in this family,” Lucah said. Both he and Tate were more bookish than artsy.

“I’d rather do that than be the family fuck-up,” Ryder said.

“Hey, we’ve all been the fuck-up. Tate and I are well overdue for our turns,” Lucah said.

“Good. I’m happy to pass the baton,” Ryder said.

“What if you’re an only child? Does that mean you don’t get to be a fuck-up?” Rory asked.

“It means that no matter what, you’re never the fuck-up,” Lucah said, kissing her cheek.

She grinned at him. “Good answer.”

“Well, I’d have to fail pretty epically to be the fuck-up in my family. Like, it would require a lot of effort to be worse than my siblings,” I said.

“Truth,” Rory said. She’d met all my siblings at one time or another. “No offense, but your family is kind of the worst.”

“Hey, the only thing I share with those people is a last name and some DNA. And really, I don’t even know if my father is really my father.” I don’t look much like my siblings, and I knew my mother had cheated. They both had. The only reason I’d never bothered to look for him was because I figured any man who had slept with my mother was a loser, so I’d just be trading one for another.

“Really?” Ryder said. He was always trying to get me to talk about my family, and I never wanted to. But I’d had a few glasses of wine and I wasn’t going to get to talk to him in a while. Unless it was an emergency, we weren’t allowed to contact Ryder. He could send letters out, but we couldn’t respond.

“I got you a present,” I said, pulling the small gift out of my bag. I’d wanted to give it to him when we were alone, but I couldn’t wait any longer.

“A present? Hand it over,” he said, reaching for it.

“It’s nothing exciting,” I said, suddenly feeling self-conscious. Ryder ripped into the paper and found a stationery set, a box of pens, and a box of pencils.

“I wasn’t sure what you’d want to write with,” I said. “So I got you both.” It wasn’t easy to find a somewhat masculine set of stationery, let me tell you. But I found a set that had simple ivory paper with a black border. Ryder stared down at it and smiled, the corners of his eyes crinkling a little. He rarely smiled exactly like that.

“Thank you so much. I completely forgot to buy paper. I was just going to use shitty notebook paper. This is so much better, Sloane.” It would be crazy to record his voice saying my name, right?

“You’re welcome,” I said as Lucah and Rory stared at me.

“I got you something too, but you’ll get it later,” Ryder said, leaning across the table and whispering. Wait, what?

He saw the look on my face and chuckled.

“It’s not what you’re thinking. You have such a dirty mind, S. Harris.”

I kicked him under the table.

“Only when I’m around you. You’re corrupt and it rubs off on me.”

“I’d like to rub off on you,” he said with a wink. I waited for Lucah to tell him that we were in public and he should tone it down, but he didn’t.

“Go on, get it out of your system. You’re going to have no one to talk to but the trees soon,” Lucah said, almost looking a little smug.

“Go ahead, get that out of your system,” Ryder countered. “I’m not going to be around for you to blame shit on and pretend to be all superior to. Whatever will you do with your time?” He meant it as a joke, but there was an edge of truth to it that cut just a little too deep. We were all silent.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to go dark on you. Forget what I said.”

Lucah was quiet for a minute and then he smiled.

“Forgotten,” he said.

They went back to ribbing each other as brothers are wont to do. I wished that I could have seen them with Tate and have the whole Blythe trifecta together, but April was still sick. She was doing better, but Tate needed to be home to give her a break from the girls.

“You know, when you finish, we should have a party,” Rory said.

“Yeah?” Ryder said. “You’d do that?”

“Sure, of course,” she said. “We need to celebrate this!” Rory was very fond of parties. So was I.

“This is totally happening,” I chimed in.

“Okay, sounds good. But no candles or formal shit,” he said.

“Got that? No candles or formal shit,” I said to Rory.

“Message received. I think we can come up with something casual and fun. Maybe you’d want to invite your friend Gil?” she said.

“You could have it at the gallery,” I suggested. That would be a super cool place to have a party. I didn’t know Gil, but I bet he’d be up to letting us use it for a few hours.

“I don’t know,” Ryder said. “Maybe. We’ll see.” He didn’t seem to want to talk about it. Perhaps because he was doubting that he’d make it through the program. He would. I knew he would this time. If he didn’t, he was going to lose everything. Ryder was stubborn. He wouldn’t let his inner demons take us away from him.

Ryder called me that night a few minutes after I got home.

“Hey,” I said, wondering why he was calling me since we’d just spent several hours together.

“Hang up and don’t answer when I call back. Let it go to voicemail. And don’t you dare listen to it until tomorrow,” he said.

“Okayyyy,” I said, wondering what he was up to. I was definitely going to listen to the message as soon as I could. I’d lie. He wouldn’t know. He was leaving.

He hung up on me then called back a moment later. I didn’t answer it per his request. A few minutes later my phone let me know I had a new voicemail. It was followed by a text message.

You’d better not listen to it. I’ll know if you do before I go. Don’t do it.

I laughed. Okay, fine. I could wait a few hours. I’d burn with curiosity, but I’d wait.

Lucah was taking the day off work to drive Ryder to the airport. I hadn’t asked if I could go and they hadn’t offered to let me. It would probably be a disaster anyway. I didn’t want to give him any temptation to change his mind. Besides, I thought about that night when we’d kissed as our farewell. Not goodbye. Just a farewell for now.

In one month he’d be back. My fashion show would be over, and I’d be on to pitching my lingerie line to stores and hoping to outsource all my production to manufacturers. I’d sort of hoped he could come to the show and see everything, but it would be on video and he could watch it when he got back. This treatment was so much more important for him.

The morning of Ryder’s departure, I walked halfway down the hall toward Rory and Lucah’s place before spinning right around and going back to my place. I hadn’t listened to the message, but I’d spent all night pretty much staring at my phone, fighting the urge. But I’d held out and I only had a few more hours.

I got ready for work as usual and took the T like I always did. My phone felt like it was burning a hole in my purse.

Inari gave me a sympathetic look when she came into my office.

“He’s not dying, Inari. He’s going to treatment for a month. He’ll be back and he’ll be sober and have his shit together. Or at least he’ll have started to get his shit together.” I didn’t think the thirty days were going to completely change years of destructive behavior. It was going to take time and work, but at least he was on the right path.

“I know, but he is going to be gone for a while,” I said. I wasn’t going to tell her that I had his exact hour of arrival in my phone and an alarm that was going to go off. And I probably wouldn’t need the alarm.

“Still, it’s a long time. A lot can happen in a month,” she said.

“A lot can happen in just a moment,” I said.

She smiled.

“Yes, you’re right.”

My eyeballs were glued to the clock the whole morning, and I barely got any work done because I was always watching to see when it would be noon. I hoped his plane didn’t get delayed. But maybe his just leaving the house counted as “leaving.” We hadn’t specified, but I was going with noon. I didn’t want to wait any longer.

I had my phone out at 11:56. I couldn’t explain why I was so beyond excited for this message, but I was—like a kid on Christmas morning who knows they’re getting a pony.

Finally, the clock ticked over to twelve, and I played the message.

“Hey, Sloane. I know how you love it when I say your name. So I’ll leave you with this. Sloane, Sloane, Sloane, Sloane, Sloane . . .” He kept saying it, but with a different tone and emphasis each time.

“There. I said it thirty times. One for each day. Oh, and I love you. This might be the worst possible timing for me to tell you that, but I can’t hold it in any longer. I also know I might be totally fucking things up again by saying that. I’m going to miss you, but I want to do this for you, and I want to do this for me. I want to try to be the kind of man you deserve, even if you don’t want me back.” His voice cracked a little and I wiped away a few tears. I was holding the phone so tight it was hurting my hand.

“Anyway,” he said, clearing his throat, “that’s what I wanted to say. Your name and that I love you, and I’ll come back a better man. Promise. Farewell, Sloane.”

The message clicked off and my phone asked me if I wanted to delete it.

“Hell no!” I yelled, and saved the message.

Then I listened to it four more times.

Rory texted me around one that Ryder was on the plane and taking off. Inari had taken me out to lunch, and we were taking our sweet time. I was much too distracted to work today.

“I can’t believe he told you he loved you,” she said.

“I know. And he didn’t give me a chance to say it back, the bastard.”

“Why don’t you write to him? You can do that, right?”

I shook my head and sipped my sangria. I felt like celebrating today.

“No. He’s allowed to send stuff out, but we can’t send him things. I mean, it makes sense, but it totally sucks for me.”

I poked at my salad then pushed it aside.

“So you love him back?”

I smiled. “Yeah, I do. In spite of everything. He’s put me through hell, that one, and honestly, I hate him a little bit for it. Love is funny that way.”

Inari finished her sandwich and sat back in her chair.

“I told Hawk I loved him after our first fight. Actually, it was during our first fight. I was so mad at him, and I’d never experienced that kind of pure anger before. That was when I knew I loved him.”

I didn’t get it.

“You told your husband you loved him when you were pissed at him?”

“Yup. My feeling is that if someone can affect you like that, it means you care about them that much. I wouldn’t love him so intensely if he couldn’t make me that angry.” It didn’t make much sense to me, but I’d go with it.

“Sure,” I said, finishing my drink. Inari just gave me one of her knowing, worldly looks.

“I hate it when you do that. I know I’m older than you, but I hate when you get that superior look on your face.”

She tossed her dreadlocks over her shoulder and shrugged.

“You’ll learn.”

I was in such a good mood, my staff and interns were even more terrified of me than usual. I even caught a few of them whispering about me being possessed. Hilarious. I wasn’t even mad, so I let them go early without even yelling. I also promised to bring in donuts the next day.

Funny, I thought I’d be all depressed and melancholy when Ryder left, but I felt as light as a balloon, like I was going to float away at any moment.

I listened to the message a few more times on my way home and headed to Rory’s apartment without even stopping at my own. I knocked on the door, hoping she’d be there.

She opened it with a grin. “Well?” She must know or else she wouldn’t be smiling like that.

“He said he loved me. And then he said my name thirty times.” She looked a little confused about the name part.

“It’s a thing. Anyway, he said he loved me,” I said. The more I said it, the happier I felt. Could one die from happiness? I hoped not.

“That’s amazing. I’m so happy for you,” she said, giving me a hug.

“Wow, okay. You were so down on me and Ryder being together. What’s with the change?”

She put her arm around me, and we sat on the couch together.

“I’m not sure,” she said. Lucah didn’t seem to be home and I wondered where he was. “Lucah’s at Tate’s. He’ll be back for dinner.”

“Oh.”

“Anyway, I don’t know. I guess I just stopped fighting it. When you and Ryder met, the two of you seemed so . . .”

“Inevitable,” I supplied. That was exactly the right word. Ryder and I were inevitable.

“Yes. But he was so messed up at the time, and you’re my best friend, and I didn’t want anything to happen to you. I didn’t know what he was involved in, but Lucah told me some stories, and that was more than enough for me to want you to steer clear of him. He was a mess, and I didn’t want him screwing up your life.” I couldn’t argue with her. It was all true. I’d known he was potentially bad news from the very start. Didn’t stop me from wanting him though.

“And then he did mess things up, but I could still see that connection. I knew it wasn’t just about sex, but I still didn’t want you with him.”

“And now?” I asked.

She let out a breath and smiled. “Now I know that the two of you are inevitable. You can’t fight something like that. It’s going to happen, and you have to hold on for the ride. I fought Lucah so hard, and it only pushed me closer to him. And this time I really think he’s going to get his life together.”

I smiled. “Me too.” We didn’t talk about what would happen if he didn’t. Right now, I was still basking in the glow of his declaration of love. I couldn’t see anything else through the haze of happiness.

“Plus, if you two get married, then I can actually call you my sister,” she said. This was the second time she’d talked about me and Ryder and marriage. Before, I’d shuddered at the thought. Now? I might be able to be convinced of the pros of a matrimonial union.

But all that would have to wait until Ryder got back.

“We’ll see,” I said.

The sadness finally set in that Ryder was gone. I still had the declaration of love to keep me uplifted, but the reality of not seeing him for a month soon hit me. And it wasn’t just seeing him. It was having the potential to see him. To have the chance to run down the hall, or have him knock on my door, or break into my apartment with a stolen set of keys.

“You miss him, don’t you?” Inari said the afternoon we were touring Kendra’s studio to see the set pieces she’d made for the show.

“Hmm?” I said. I’d been thinking about Ryder and when I was going to get the first letter from him. It had only been three days. Maybe the postal service in Colorado was slow.

“You’re thinking about him,” she said.

“Yeah. Sorry.”

Kendra came out of her office, and we hugged. She led me to the warehouse in the back and explained what she’d gotten done. One of the main things were these wacky columns covered in greenery. They looked even better than I’d imagined.

“This is spectacular, really,” I said. It was perfect. Now that we had those done, we could work on the video and music to match.

“And once you get me the music, we can do a test run with the lighting and see exactly what you like.” I’d done several fashion shows before, but none had ever run this smoothly. It was like I was getting a break since my love life was so dramatic.

The show was happening two weeks into Ryder’s stay in Colorado. I wasn’t naïve enough to think that he could somehow magically show up and I’d run to him and throw myself on him, and flashbulbs would go off and we’d kiss and everything would be wonderful. That shit only happened in the movies. Well, and to my friend Marisol. Her boyfriend Fin had done that routine more than a few times. You’d think she wouldn’t be surprised anymore, but she was. Every time.

I checked my mailbox with shaking hands that night, and there was an envelope with a return address in Colorado, sent from R. Blythe to S. Harris. Actually, there were three of them. One for each day.

I clutched them to my chest and ran upstairs to read them. I tore through the envelopes and almost ripped the letters in my frenzy to get to the words written inside. The first letter was the shortest.

S. Harris,

Well, here I am. In the mountains. It’s cold, but you probably knew that. It’s snowing as I write this, and it makes me think of how the snowflakes looked on your dark hair. Have I ever told you how much I love your hair? Because I do. I’m obsessed with it. Do you know how many times I’ve had to stop myself from running my hands through it? Or twisting it in my hand and seeing if you like having it pulled? I bet you do.

I’m really sorry about that night after the ball. That wasn’t how I pictured our first time being naked together. I pictured it a million different ways, but not like that. I hope that maybe I’ll get to make up for it sometime, and that you’ll let me. I’ll make it worth your while.

I smiled to myself. I could hear Ryder’s voice in my head as I read the letter. I could see him and imagine his facial expressions.

They won’t let me have a phone here, but they do take pictures, so when I get back I’ll be able to tell you some of the things I did. There are ten other people here with me, all addicts or people with depression and other issues. Some of them didn’t exactly want to come and were forced by their families. We have these groups where we have to talk about things. I kind of hate that part, but I always feel better when I’m done. I think it’s going to make me better at talking about things when I get back. Especially about my parents.

I think that I didn’t grieve properly when they died. Like I got stuck, or shut it away because it was just too much to take. Too much pain.

I don’t know. I’m rambling because we have to go on a hike and I want to make writing this last as long as possible.

I hope you’re not mad at me for telling you that I loved you like that. I hope everything is going well with the fashion show and the models aren’t giving you a hard time. I wish I could be there to see it, but I know you’ll have plenty of video and I’ll get to see that when I get back. Right now I think I need to be here.

Oh, I almost forgot to tell you that I saw a deer today. I know that’s not a big deal, but it was kind of eerie. I was out in the morning alone and there it was. It saw me, I saw it, and we had this staring match. I thought it was going to charge me. Deer can be pretty aggressive, you know. So there I was with this deer, neither of us making a move. This is sounding not as interesting now that I’m writing it. Sorry for that. Anyway, I sneezed and the deer didn’t move. I thought maybe it was frozen in fear or something. And then it took a step closer to me. And another. It was within five feet of me, and then it bolted. I have no idea why. The whole thing gave me goose bumps. I don’t really believe in supernatural crap, but that was just fucking weird. I told myself I wasn’t going to curse in these letters, and there I go. But I don’t think you mind, do you?

Shit, I have group now. I have to go, but I’ll write you tomorrow. I can’t promise it will be as exciting as this letter with the deer and everything, but I’ll do my best for you, Sloane.

Love,

Ryder

I finished the letter and wiped away a few tears. Ryder wrote like he talked. I was glad he hadn’t tried to be formal or stiff. Reading the letter was like having him here with me. Almost.

The second and third letters were shorter, but he talked about different things. There were no more deer, but he told me more about where he was staying. They had cabins that fit four people, so he had roommates. Thankfully, they were all male. Not that I was jealous, but still. I couldn’t help feeling a little weird that there were also women in the program, but they lived in their own cabins.

He told me about how they cooked their own food and bathed with only cold water, and wore three pairs of socks. They weren’t allowed razors, so his beard was no doubt impressive. He said he couldn’t wait to show it to me. There were little details about the others in the program. Like “Dave,” who had lost five members of his family in one year and used alcohol to cope. Or Carter, who had been raised in an extremely religious home and had to leave when he told them he was gay. I loved reading Ryder’s letters, but I had so many things I wanted to say to him about them. I had an idea, and even though I couldn’t send them to him, I started writing letters back for each letter he sent me. I bundled them together, and I’d give them to him when he got home.

That night at dinner, Lucah asked me if I’d gotten the letters from Ryder.

“Yeah, they finally got here. One for each day,” I said.

“He told me he was going to do that,” Lucah said.

Rory sighed. “That’s so romantic. It’s like something from a movie,” she said.

“It kind of is. Like Ryan Gosling in The Notebook. He wrote her 365 letters and her bitch of a mother kept them from her?” I said.

“Oh yeah! I love that movie, but it always makes me cry,” she said.

“Are we talking about that notebook movie?” Lucah asked. We both nodded.

“Okay, question. Did you cry when you watched it?” I asked him. He looked at Rory, and she grinned at him.

“Yeah, he did. I made him watch it,” she said.

“That was not a very nice thing to do, Miss Clarke,” he said.

“True. But now I know you’re not soulless.”

I shook my head. “He still doesn’t have a soul. Gingers are soulless. Didn’t you know that?”

Lucah pretended to be mad at me, but I knew he liked it. Besides, I couldn’t really throw stones now that I was in love with his brother.

“Souls are overrated,” Lucah said.

“I’m pretty sure vampires don’t have souls, and they’re pretty sexy, in my opinion,” Rory said.

“So what about a ginger vampire? Are they double soulless?” I asked.

God, I missed Ryder. I would have loved to get his take on soulless vampires.

“He’s going to get his first phone call in a few days,” Lucah said. “Anything you want me to tell him? I can’t let you talk to him because they monitor the calls and they’ll cut him off if anyone but me talks to him. That place is really strict.”

Guess they had to be.

I thought for a second. I could have Lucah tell Ryder that I loved him back, but I didn’t want someone else telling him. I wanted to do it myself.

“Just ask him to give me his opinion on ginger vampires in his next letter.”

Lucah raised an eyebrow and looked so much like Ryder it was crazy.

“Really? That’s it?”

“That’s it,” I said. “For now.”

Every day when I got home from the studio, I knew I had something to look forward to. My letter from Ryder. Some were long, some were short, but I loved them all and wrote responses for each one. It gave me something to do when I was home alone late at night. Sometimes, when my insomnia would kick in, I’d pull them out and read them again, adding little things to the letters I wrote back. Drawings and doodles. Things to make him laugh.

All systems were go for the fashion show, so I told him about that. And I signed each letter, “Love, Sloane.” I figured by the time he read them I would have already told him I loved him. Again.

“I’ve saved all the little notes Lucah ever wrote me,” Rory said as we hung out in her apartment, waiting for Ryder to call Lucah. Even if I couldn’t talk to him, I wanted to be in the room. Maybe even hear his voice, if Lucah could put him on speaker.

“Even the dirty ones?” Lucah asked, looking up from his phone. He seemed almost as anxious as I was to hear from Ryder. I’d shared a few little things from the letters with him, just enough so he knew things were going well. He didn’t ask to see the rest of them, and I really respected that. Lucah was a good guy. Ryder was lucky to have him as a brother.

“Especially the dirty ones,” Rory said, and the phone rang. Lucah fumbled and nearly dropped it before he answered it.

“Hello?” He waited for a few seconds. “Hey, Ryder. How are you?” My heart started pounding, knowing that Lucah was getting to talk to him. Rory reached out and held my hand. Lucah was quiet for a while, but he was smiling.

“Okay, I’ll tell her. Right now? Fine.”

He took the phone away from his ear.

“Ryder wants you to know that he loves you and he saw another deer.”

I smiled. “Tell him I love his letters,” I said.

“She says that she loves your letters,” he told Ryder.

He listened some more, and then said things like “Yeah . . . okay . . . uh-huh . . . good.” All conversational things.

Rory grabbed my arm.

“Maybe we should give him some privacy,” she said and we went into her bedroom.

“God, I miss that redhead so much,” I said, sitting down on her bed.

“I bet. I can’t imagine being away from Lucah for that long. Marisol did it with Fin, but it nearly killed her.” I didn’t know a lot of the details of Marisol’s long-distance relationship with Fin. There were definitely a lot of things about Fin she didn’t tell me about, but that was her prerogative. As long as she was happy, that was what mattered.

“It’s only a month. Actually, it’s only twenty-two days now. Not that I’m counting or anything.”

“As long as you don’t give me an update of how many hours, minutes, and seconds are left until he gets home, we’re good.” I could actually do the math on that, if I wanted to.

“Speaking of him coming home, is he going to be here with you guys?”

Rory nodded. “Yeah, at least for a little while. There’s an aftercare program that he can go to that will help him find housing if he needs it, but I’m hoping this job at the art gallery will open some doors for him. He shouldn’t end up in another shitty apartment in a bad part of the city.”

Definitely not. He needed to get as far away from that as possible.

“Anyway, I was thinking we could do another girls’ night on Friday if you wanted to. I’m afraid we’re going to lose touch with Chloe and Marisol. We still haven’t managed to get our girls’ weekend together up at the cabin.” We’d been trying for months to find time when none of us had something going on, and it hadn’t happened yet.

“I am not going to Maine in the winter,” I said. Rory’s parents had a cabin up in Maine on a lake and we’d been planning to go this summer, but it hadn’t worked out.

“Why not? It isn’t that different from being here.”

It was different. I couldn’t say why, but it was.

“You are such a city girl,” she said, shaking her head. “You get twitchy anytime you even get near the bridge.”

That wasn’t true. I went out of the city plenty of times. I couldn’t think of any off the top of my head, but I definitely had.

“Whatever. I just don’t want to freeze my ass off in Maine with you, Chlo, and Mari. That is not my idea of a good time.” That was a recipe for friendship disaster right there.

“Fine. We’ll think of something else.”

“Why can’t we go on a cruise or something?” I asked. I couldn’t count how many times I’d made this suggestion, but it always got shot down.

“I don’t know,” Rory said. “I’ll think about it. The benefit of the cabin is that it’s free.”

I was about to argue with her about going on a cruise when Lucah opened the door. He was smiling, which was a good sign.

“He wanted me to tell you also that he loves you.” I liked hearing it again.

“Thanks, Lucah. That means a lot.”

He smiled.

“How is he?” Rory asked.

“Really good. I’m not actually sure he hasn’t been abducted by aliens and replaced with someone else. He’s upbeat and seems . . . good. Really good.”

Rory gave Lucah a hug.

“Thank you so much, Sloane. For pushing him to do this. I think, this time, it’s going to work. He’s going to get his life together.”

“I didn’t do anything,” I said. “It was all him. I just encouraged him. That’s it.” I didn’t want to take credit for helping Ryder.

“No, really. I haven’t been so nice to you, and I’m sorry. I guess I thought you were going to be interested and then bail on him, but you never did. You stood by him and you didn’t have to.” He reached for my hand then pulled me into a hug.

“My brother is lucky to have you,” he said. I hugged Lucah back.

“Stop it, you two. You’re making me get all emotional,” Rory said, grabbing for some tissues.

Lucah and I had always had sort a brotherly-sisterly relationship. I’d never been attracted to him, and not just because he was with Rory.

I wasn’t sure I believed in fate, but I did know that if Rory hadn’t met him, I wouldn’t have met Ryder, and life would be very different right now.

“He’s going to do it,” I said as Lucah released me and Rory blew her nose loudly.

“I know,” he said with a smile.

Ryder’s letters continued to make me laugh and kept me going through the last few days before my show. I brought them with me to the studio, since I spent more than a few nights there getting everything ready. A model broke her ankle at the last minute, so I had to fit the lingerie set to a backup model who was bigger than the original model. There were plenty of other little disasters that had to be dealt with.

Inari kept me sane with coffee, and solved some problems before I even knew they were problems.

On the day of the show I woke up from my couch in the studio and looked at the clock. It was only six in the morning, but I was wide awake. There were a lot of people coming to this show. Potential buyers and press, and some of my competition no doubt. I hadn’t had time to work in the tear-away lingerie, but when I did my pitches I was going to mention it.

Even though it was insanely early, I went out into the main part of the studio. We had all the outfits in garment bags and ready to go, each marked with the model’s name who would wear it and the order it was appearing in the show. It might not seem like a big deal to some, but the order of pieces was critical to give the right overall feel.

The day before we’d spent hours making sure everything was in the right bags and in the right order. I’d double checked them and so had Inari, but I wanted to check them one more time. I hit the lights and pulled the bags out one at a time, making sure everything was set.

Then I checked again and made myself stop. It was nearly eight now, so I headed out of the studio and up the street to the little coffee place I’d been with Ryder and got a latte with a triple shot. It might be a bad idea to consume so much caffeine when I was this stressed, but I did it anyway.

Inari arrived shortly after I finished my coffee and the Danish I’d gotten with it. The rest of my team would be in by nine and we’d all go over to the converted church to get everything set up.

“How you doing?” she asked.

“Fine. I’ve had three shots of espresso,” I said, and I knew I was talking a little too fast.

“Okay then, how about we lay off the coffee for a little while?” she said, speaking slowly to me. “How about I get you some water?”

I nodded and she went to do that.

“Did you get the van?” I asked when she came back and handed me a glass of water.

“It’s parked downstairs. Do you want to start loading it?” she asked.

I had too much energy to just stand still, so Inari and I started carrying things down to the rented van. Everything else was already over there and had been set up last night, so we only had to bring the clothes. Like everything else with this show, things had gone nearly perfectly, and I couldn’t wait to see the whole thing.

“When are the models getting here?” I asked. On show day, Inari was my savior, my sanity, my everything.

“At noon. Well, they’re supposed to be here at noon for fittings, rehearsal, hair and makeup,” Inari said. It was a lot to squeeze in to only five hours, but we had to get it done.

Time blurred. I turned into a whirling dervish, trying to get as much done as I could in a very short period of time. Before I knew it, I was standing backstage, the seats were filled, the lights were up, and I was holding a microphone in my hand.

How the hell did that happen?

I walked out and the lights fell on me. That rush I always got when I had a show intoxicated me and it was almost too much to stand.

“Welcome to my show. I’m Sloane Harris of SH Designs, and this is my first foray into lingerie. No, I didn’t mean for that to rhyme,” I said, and there were little titters of laugher. The lights were so bright on the runway that I couldn’t even see the crowd, but I didn’t need to. Everyone who counted was here, except for one notable exception.

Ryder. I closed my eyes for a moment and thought about him in Colorado up on a mountain. I hoped he was thinking of me.

“I hope you enjoy the show, and I hope you enjoy seeing my creations as much as I did making them. I’d like to thank my entire team at SH Designs, including my assistant Inari. I’d also like to mention my other family, Rory, Lucah, Chloe, Marisol, and Ryder. I love you all. Thank you.”

I waved to the crowd then walked backstage, my heart going crazy as the crowd applauded.

Showtime.

The lights came up, the music came on, and I watched the video screen from backstage. Inari was in charge of getting the models in line and telling them when to go on, so I could actually watch the show and hopefully not stress too much about it.

The first look came out, and I couldn’t help the tears that started falling. I cried at each show. I would probably always cry, even if I did a hundred shows. It always felt like the first time.

Kelly came over and stood next to me. I put my arm around her and we watched the show, squealing in excitement as each look came out and the model did a little kiss or cute pose. I’d told them to be fun and flirty and to have a good time during the rehearsal.

“It’s so perfect, Sloane. So perfect,” Kelly said, squeezing my hand.

It was. There was just one thing missing. I wished Ryder was there. The final look went out and the model did a little dance on the end of the runway. Inari dragged me out to do a little walk and take a bow, but this time I curtseyed since I was wearing a dress. Flashes went off and I scurried backstage again to bask in the afterglow as hugs rained down on me and the excitement hit a fever pitch.

Almost perfect.

“To Sloane!” Rory said, raising her glass. My friends had surprised me with a party after the show at my studio with all my staff, interns, and friends.

“To Sloane!” they all said, and we drank to that.

“Thank you all, I couldn’t have done it without you,” I announced. It was true. No one was an island unto themselves. You could try and go through life without help from others, but you’d live a pretty lonely life and you wouldn’t get far.

“It’s too bad Ryder couldn’t come,” Rory said into my ear.

“I know, but it just didn’t work out.”

She sighed. “It would have been really romantic if he got out on the same day of the show and you didn’t know he was going to be here and then he surprised you.” True, it would have. But this was reality.

According to everyone who talked to me, the show was a massive success, but only time would tell if I’d get calls from buyers. If I didn’t get very many, I’d have to start pitching to them myself. I had a few stores who already had my other lines set up, but we still needed to finalize everything. The work was just beginning.

But first we had to live it up.

My high from the show lasted more than three days. It was boosted by getting several calls on Monday from potential buyers wanting to set up meetings, and their enthusiasm was overwhelming.

I did the math and if they did as many purchase orders as I thought they would, I was looking at potentially doubling my staff. It was what I’d always hoped for, but damn, I never thought I’d get there by making bras and panties.

Ryder’s letter from the day of the show arrived on Monday, and I read the entire thing with a grin on my face. He’d written it as if he’d been in the audience.

That one, I love that one. You’d look really good in that. Oh, and the trim on that is fabulous. You’re so talented, Sloane. Oh, I remember you showing me the sketch for that. Wow, look at that color! It really pops.

I laughed out loud. He was just too ridiculous.

Near the end of the letter, he got serious again.

I know the timing of me coming here was shitty since I couldn’t be there for your show, but I will be there for the next one. And the next one. And every single one. Even if you don’t want me there, I’ll be there. In the back. Lurking like a creeper in the shadows.

I’m so proud of you and so honored to know you. One of the first things I want to do when I get back, even before I have a real shower and shave, is watch the video. It won’t be the same as being there with you, but it’s the next best thing.

Hey, what do you think about calling all the models in and doing a reenactment? Or maybe you could model for me . . .

I rolled my eyes at that last part. He was flirting with me via letter, and I loved it. He would never change, that man. And I really hoped he didn’t. I loved the way he was.

Two weeks left until he came home. Two more weeks until I could hear his voice. With the fashion show over, I didn’t have this huge event consuming my time. Sure, I still had tons to do at work, but I had more free hours in my day. I tried to fill them with sketching and working on the bridesmaids’ dress designs and three of the potential wedding gown designs for Rory. I’d had my mind made up ages ago on one dress, but I wasn’t sure now, so I did some others. She’d sort of put her wedding planning on hold while Ryder was gone, but I was still going to get working on her dress.

“So, what do you think?” I said, laying the three sketches out in front of Rory with little fabric swatches to show her the color and feel.

“Can I have all of them?” she asked, brushing her fingers across the sketches.

“Yes,” I said. I’d already planned to make her a separate dress for the ceremony and reception.

“No, that’s silly. I only need one dress,” she said.

“Two. One for the ceremony, one for reception. You have the big dramatic one for the ceremony and then something more fun and easy to dance in.” I was only showing her three designs, but I had plenty more. I’d made dozens.

“Really?” she said.

“Yeah, people do it all the time. It’s a thing now.”

She didn’t look like she believed me, but it was definitely a trend in weddings.

“Well, if it wouldn’t look too extravagant. I want the wedding to be nice, but I don’t want it to be too stuffy and formal.” It was bound to be a little formal if her mother had anything to say about it.

“Do you have an idea of the venue yet?”

She got a smile on her face. “Well, I was thinking, you know how my parents have that big beautiful yard? We could put up a tent and do the reception there. I don’t know about the ceremony yet. Lucah really wants to do it in a church, but I’m not so on board with that. I think I want to be outside. Either on the beach or in a garden or something. But then you have to think about rain, so there’s that. I don’t know.” Sounded like she needed to actually visit some places.

“Listen. Go online with Lucah, find a few places that you might like, and go see them in person. You won’t know what you want until you stand there with him and picture the whole thing,” I said. Like I was some sort of wedding guru.

“Yeah, you’re probably right. We still need to set a date. It’s just a lot to think about.” It was, but she had time, if she was going for a date say, next summer.

“You could always elope,” I said. She gave me a horrified look as if I’d suggested she get married in the aisle of a department store.

“Do you think my parents would let me do that?” she asked. “Do you think that my mother, my mother, would let me get married without her there to oversee and criticize every single detail? And don’t even get me started on Dad not getting to walk me down the aisle.”

It was true. Her parents would probably murder her and Lucah for doing that.

“Okay, so which dress for the ceremony, do you think?” I ask, pointing to the sketches.

Rory studied the three sketches again.

“Yes,” she said, handing them back to me with a smile.

“Three dresses it is.”

I got through the last fourteen days before Ryder got back by reading his letters. They got longer the more days he was in the program. I could also tell that he’d written different parts of the letter at different times throughout the day. I liked that he was thinking of me all day because I was certainly thinking of him.

My own letters to him had gotten longer as well, and I sometimes found myself thinking of things to add during the day when I was at work. I’d jot something down on a scrap of paper then paperclip it to the letter at night. Sometimes I didn’t have paper, so I used whatever was handy, including gum wrappers, receipts, and napkins.

I moved everything to a bigger box, and I couldn’t wait to hand my letters to Ryder.

“So, I was wondering if you wanted to come with me to pick him up?” Lucah asked two days before Ryder was due to come home. I hadn’t mentioned wanting to go, but I really, really wanted to.

“Yes,” I said immediately and a little too enthusiastically. “I mean, if you think that would be okay.”

Lucah laughed. “Yeah, that would be okay. I think he’d be pissed at me if I didn’t bring you. He might have threatened me during our last phone call.”

Oh, really? Ryder hadn’t told me about that.

“Huh,” I said, trying to fight a smile.

“His flight gets in at five, so if you want, I can come get you at the studio in my car and we can head to Logan,” he said.

“I want to come too,” Rory said with a little pout.

“Sure, you can come, sunshine. I wouldn’t leave you behind. Ever.”

She held his chin and looked into his eyes.

“You’d better not. Or I’ll come find you and it won’t be pretty,” she said with a sweet smile.

“I wouldn’t dream of ever leaving you, my darling,” he said, clutching his heart.

“That’s right,” she said.

Sometimes the two of them were too much.

I was going to get to see Ryder in two days. Two fucking days.

In the letters, Ryder was the same guy I’d always known. Maybe a little more introspective and open. But I did worry a tiny bit that he might have changed too much from the guy who had left me a month ago.

Every now and then I had these nightmares that he’d come back to me and be all into meditation and finding his inner peace, and he wouldn’t have time for me anymore. Probably not though, right? He couldn’t have changed that much in a month.

I couldn’t concentrate for the next two days. Inari just got used to repeating everything someone said to me at least twice. She also wrote me daily notes so I’d know what I was supposed to be doing. And she yelled at me for the first time ever when I apologized for being so out of it.

“Listen, it’s okay. I’m fine with being your eyes and ears for the next two days. That’s my job. I know your mind is somewhere else, and I’d be the same way. I’m actually surprised you haven’t been this way for the whole month,” she said.

My only response was to give her a massive hug that engulfed her.

“It’s okay,” she said, patting my back. “We’ve all been there.”

I thought about apologizing again, but then I didn’t.

“Lunch is on me,” I said.

“You’re the best boss.”

I wasn’t going to get some of Ryder’s letters until after he was back, so he made sure to send me a “final” letter. It wouldn’t be the last one, but since it took a few days for them to get to me, this would be the final letter I’d get while he was gone. I went home on my lunch break just to go get it.

I can’t believe by the time you’re reading this, I will be ready to come home. I feel like I’ve spent a lifetime here, but also that only a day has passed. Does that make any sense? It probably doesn’t. I think this high altitude is fucking with my head.

I won’t lie, I’m scared about coming back. I know I’m moving in the right direction now, but will I be able to keep that going on my own? I know I’ll have help, but it’s a lot easier to be good here where I’m surrounded by trees and deer and shit, and there is next to no temptation.

But I guess I shouldn’t think that way. That’s setting myself up for negativity. I have to think positive. Don’t worry, I won’t go all eat, pray, love on you. Or at least I’ll try not to.

I have no idea what it’s going to be like to see you again. I’ve pictured your face and your expressions and heard your voice in my head. I’m scared about that, too. That you will have moved on. That you’ve realized you don’t want me in your life anymore. But you know what? That’s okay. I think I’m strong enough.

Sloane, if you never want to see me again, I’ll understand. I really will. So it’s okay. I just wanted you to know that before we see each other again.

The letter went on to talk about other things, but I couldn’t get past that part where he said he’d understand if I didn’t want him in my life. It was crazy. Of course I wanted him. I wanted him more than ever.

“Ready to go?” Lucah asked me as I dove into the backseat of his car. I’d been sitting at the window to my apartment, staring out at the street and waiting for his car to pull up for the past hour.

“Are you kidding?” I said. Rory turned around in her seat and gave me a grin.

“Pretty much.” Lucah laughed and pulled away from the curb.

“What’s in the box?” Rory asked. I’d debated about bringing the letters with me or giving them to him when he got back, and I chose to bring them with me. Like a dork, I’d wrapped a bow around the box so it really looked like a present.

“Just something for Ryder. Something I’ve been saving to give him when he came home.”

Rory raised an eyebrow.

“It’s not a bunch of nude pics, if that’s what you’re thinking,” I said. I hadn’t told Rory or Lucah about the letters. I wanted them to be a thing between me and Ryder only.

“I’m not thinking anything,” Rory said, feigning innocence. Yeah, right. I knew what she was thinking.

“Uh-huh,” I said, sitting back in my seat and willing the car to go faster. I knew it could if we were on the open highway. Lucah had a badass Camaro in beautiful condition. I wasn’t much of a car groupie, but this thing was pure sex.

“I got him a little something too,” Rory said, turning around again.

“Yeah? What?”

“It’s stupid,” she said.

“I’m sure it’s not. What is it?”

She looked at Lucah then turned back toward me, passing me a box. It was made of leather and had hinges. I opened it up and revealed a men’s watch.

“Dad always gives out watches when someone gets promoted, or has a baby, or something good happens in their life. It seemed appropriate at the time, but now I’m thinking it’s dumb,” she said, reaching out to take the watch from me.

“Hold on, let me look at it. This isn’t a dumb gift, Ror. Not at all.” I kind of loved it. Sure, it was old-fashioned, but Ryder was a bit of an old soul anyway. He’d appreciate the thought that went into it.

“He’s going to love it, I promise,” I said, snapping the box closed again and handing it back to her.

“Really?”

“Really.”

Lucah had a hell of a time finding a parking spot at the airport, and finally he pulled over to let me and Rory out so he could drive around and find a place to put the car.

Rory took my hand as we walked toward the gate for his arrival.

“Thanks,” I said.

“You’re welcome.” We went as far as we could before getting stopped by a threatening sign warning that we’d basically get tackled by TSA if we went any further.

Ryder had texted Lucah letting him know he had landed, so now we just had to wait. My stomach was more than fluttering. Butterflies were slam dancing around inside me, and it wasn’t all that pleasant.

“Sloane?” Rory said. I kept my eyes on the people walking toward me, searching for a head of red hair and a sexy swagger.

“Yeah?” I said, my heart going crazy when I saw someone wearing an orange-ish hat that obviously wasn’t Ryder.

“Can I have my hand back?”

I finally looked at her. She was grimacing and shaking our joined hands. I realized I’d been squeezing her hand so hard she was probably in pain.

“Oh, sorry.” I let go and she flexed it a few times, probably trying to get the feeling back into it.

“I know you’re excited, but Jesus. I need my hand.” She was smiling when she said it though. I looked away from her, and there he was. Standing not five feet away from me. It took me a second to realize, and then I was airborne and throwing myself at him.

I slammed against his chest, and he stumbled backwards a bit before his arms went around me, holding me tight.

“Hey, Sloane,” he said in my ear as I held him so hard I thought I was going to break my arms. He smelled different. Not bad. He smelled like the woods. Well, the woods plus his regular Ryder smell that I remembered. I inhaled and just melted.

“I can’t believe you’re here,” I said into his flannel shirt. He’d really taken the mountain man thing seriously.

“I can’t believe you’re real,” he said, trying to lean back, but I wouldn’t let him. “Baby, you’re gonna have to let me go, you know.”

He’d never called me that before and it made me want to hold on to him even harder.

“I can’t,” I said, my happy tears soaking into his shirt. I was probably causing a spectacle, but I didn’t care. He was here and I had my arms around him again.

He chuckled and stroked my hair. “That’s okay. Take your time.” I heard a throat clearing behind me and Ryder said something to someone, and then I heard Rory’s voice.

“I think she’s excited to see you,” she said.

“Not as much as I am to see her,” Ryder said. My arms were starting to shake a little from holding him, but I wasn’t going to stop. Not ever.

“It’s okay. I’m not going anywhere,” he said, leaning down and speaking in my ear. “It’s okay to let go.”

With much effort, I loosened my hold on him and leaned back a little. There he was. Under one of the most epic beards I’d ever seen, but there he was. His hair had grown out a little bit too.

“I like the beard,” I said, reaching up to stroke it.

“I hoped you would. I hoped more than anything that you’d come to the airport.”

“Why wouldn’t I come? I love you.” Oops. Didn’t mean for that to be the first time I said it. My mouth had gotten ahead of me again.

“Oh, you do, do you?” Ryder said with a smile.

I nodded. “Yeah, I do. I meant to tell you in a different way, but I guess I just couldn’t hold it in anymore.”

We both laughed and someone cleared their throat.

“I have to go hug my brother and Rory. But I’ll come right back to you,” he said, as if he was explaining a difficult concept to me.

I rolled my eyes at him, finally removing my arms from around his neck, and stepped back. It wasn’t easy, but I did it.

Lucah and Ryder embraced for a long time and lots of things were said back and forth that neither Rory nor I heard, or were supposed to hear. They definitely needed their brotherly moment. When they broke the embrace, Ryder hugged Rory, picking her up off her feet and swinging her around as she laughed and begged him to stop. He finally put her down, but not before one of her shoes had flown off and Lucah went to retrieve it.

The moment Ryder let go of Rory, he was at my side, sliding an arm around me and pulling me close.

“Well, should we get your luggage?” Lucah asked, and I swore I saw him wiping his eyes a little before he put his arm around Rory.

“Sure,” said Ryder.

The four of us walked down to baggage claim, which always made me fear for my life. If people got that crazy about getting their stuff, just imagine what would happen if there was a nationwide disaster and there were only so many jugs of water and cans of soup. It would be downright carnage.

We found the right carousel for Ryder’s flight but waited near the back.

“I’m not in any hurry. I’m enjoying where I am right now,” he said. So we stood and waited for the people who had to have their luggage right this very moment or else they would die to get their shit, and then Ryder saw his bag on the carousel. He walked toward it, taking me with him.

“Sorry, but I don’t want to let go of you,” he said. “At least not yet.”

“Ditto,” I said as he slung his bag over his other shoulder then grabbed my hand.

“Got everything?” Lucah asked. Ryder nodded, and then we headed out to the parking garage.

“I have something for you in the car,” I said to Ryder.

“I have something for you too!” Rory called over her shoulder. She and Lucah were walking ahead of us so they could find the car.

“You didn’t have to get me anything. Either of you.” He said the last part directly to me.

“I didn’t exactly get it for you. It’s something I made. And no, it’s not clothing, although I’m feeling inspired to start making a lumberjack line,” I said, tugging at his shirt. He blushed a little. It was hard to see under the massive beard, but it was there.

“Would you model it for me?” he said.

“Maybe,” I said, drawing out the word. He stopped walking, dropped his bag, and pulled me into another hug.

“I love you,” he said as he squeezed me tight.

“I love you,” I said. Now I’d said it twice in only a few minutes and I couldn’t believe that I hadn’t said it before. Those three little words, once so hard to say were now so easy to speak that I didn’t want to stop. I had a brief image in my head of running to the top of the parking garage, throwing my arms out, and declaring my love for Ryder Blythe at the top of my lungs.

Ryder let me go, but took my hand again and picked up his bag.

“I just thought you should know. Again,” he said, as if he was embarrassed by his display of emotion.

“I’m okay with that. More than okay. Say it whenever you feel it.”

He raised one eyebrow. “Whenever I feel it?”

“Well, not literally. But you can tell me whenever you want. I love hearing it,” I said.

“I love that you love it.”

“I love that you love that I love hearing you say you love me.”

He laughed and shook his head. “Let’s just stop there and say I love you.”

“Good plan.”

For being so nervous about her gift, Rory shouldn’t have worried. Ryder’s eyes lit up when he opened the box with the watch in it, and he immediately put it on.

“This is one of the nicest things I’ve ever owned. I’m scared I’ll break the shit out of it,” he said, admiring it on his wrist.

“It’s durable. Don’t worry,” Rory said, beaming that her gift had gone over so well.

“I’ll be careful, just in case,” he said, starting to take it off.

“No, leave it on. Watches are meant to be worn and used.” He looked up at her for a moment then put it back on, smiling as he gazed down at it and turned it left and right.

“Thank you so much,” he said. I handed him the box of letters but asked him not to open it in the car. I knew he’d want to start reading them immediately.

“Tease,” he said, but he kissed me on the cheek after he said it.

I couldn’t stop staring at him. Partly because of the beard and partly because there was something different about him. Something . . . lighter.

“You look good. Really good,” I said, and he pulled me closer. I was sitting in the middle seat in the back so I could be as near to him as possible. I’d resisted crawling into his lap and curling up.

“Why, thank you. That means a lot, considering I haven’t had a proper shower in a while. A long while. I’m shocked you can even sit near me.” I had no idea what he was talking about. He smelled fantastic.

I sniffed him.

“You smell like the woods. And you, of course. Honestly, I thought you were gonna reek too, but I’m pleasantly surprised,” I said.

He lifted his arm and sniffed as well.

“I’ll take your word for it. I feel pretty grungy. And we should probably stop talking about that right now,” he said. “I’m pretty sure Rory and Lucah aren’t interested in my bathing schedule.”

“Did you say something?” Rory said, pretending she hadn’t been listening. “I wasn’t paying attention.”

“Liar,” I said.

“Well, if it means anything, you smelled fine to me,” Rory said.

Lucah cleared his throat and turned on the radio before he started talking to Rory again. It might have seemed rude, but I could tell he was giving me and Ryder some time to ourselves, even if it was just in the backseat.

“I can’t wait to see what you made me,” he said.

“Don’t get your hopes up. It’s probably not as great as I’m making it out to be.” I was beginning to doubt the awesomeness of the letters. They weren’t as interesting as his. I hadn’t had some amazing epiphany about life. I mean, other than the fashion show, things had been pretty mundane. Same old, same old.

Get up, go to work, come home. Hang out with Rory, hang out with the girls at the bar, make fun of people who couldn’t sing.

“I can’t wait,” he said.

We couldn’t really talk much with Lucah and Rory right there. I knew we’d get a chance later when I gave him the letters.

So he told us some of the more tame stories he’d probably stored up. We heard about his roommates and some of the more fun aspects of being away from civilization. He’d zip lined and learned how to build a fire and make a snare to catch small game. He’d even made his own fishing pole and caught dinner for himself. I was totally impressed.

“I kept thinking that if I somehow got sucked back in time to a place where they didn’t have electricity and cars and so forth, I’d do okay. I mean, I’ve never tried to start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but I think I’d do okay.”

I snorted.

“What?” he said.

“I wouldn’t. I’d probably try to eat some mushrooms and pick the only poisonous ones or something. Or I’d trip over a root and impale myself. Or get eaten by a bear,” I said. I could keep going.

“So bears were more of a threat in the olden days than now?” Ryder asked.

“Well, I don’t know, but maybe. Anyway. I wouldn’t survive. Plus, I hate hand sewing. It takes too much time.” I did it when I had to, but it was a pain. That’s what they made sewing machines and sergers for.

“I think I could do it,” Rory said.

Lucah made a sound that he quickly turned into another cough.

“Hey! I could survive without computers and phones and everything,” she said, smacking him on the arm.

“Sunshine, you work at a tech company. It’s your life. Whatever would you do with yourself all day?” he asked.

“Raise your damn ginger babies and hang out in the kitchen,” she said, crossing her arms.

“No, I picture you as a warrior woman with a crossbow out hunting,” Lucah said.

Rory and I both laughed. That was something I definitely couldn’t picture.

“So now I’m a superhero?” she said. “Well, I like that.”

“And what do you think I’d be doing?” Lucah asked her.

“Hmm,” she said, pretending to give it some deep thought.

“Probably annoying his younger brother,” Ryder muttered.

“What was that?” Lucah asked, staring at Ryder in the rearview mirror.

“Nothing,” Ryder said with a huge fake smile.

“I think you’d probably be doing something important. Making speeches and getting involved with things. Maybe you’d be part of a revolution.”

Rory looked at him with so much love it almost made me want to cry. I wondered if that was how I looked at Ryder. I hoped so.

“Oh, well if that’s not a compliment, I don’t know what is,” Lucah said, his face going red, including his ears. Gotta love how redheads can’t hide their emotions.

“You’re welcome, Mr. Blythe,” Rory said, leaning over to give him a kiss.

“Hey, eyes on the road,” I said, but I gave Rory a wink as she got back in her seat.

Lucah pulled Ryder aside when we got out of the car and had a few words with him. I hoped they weren’t talking about me.

Ryder didn’t seem pissed when Lucah stepped away and took Rory’s hand to walk back into the building.

“What was that about?” I asked when Ryder didn’t move.

“Nothing,” he said, shaking his head as if he was trying to clear it.

“Really? He didn’t tell you to keep your hands off me?”

Ryder shook his head. “No, it wasn’t really about you.” Oh, well. Now I sounded like I thought the world revolved around me.

Ryder stuck his hand out and I gave him mine. He swung our arms as we walked out of the parking garage.

“I wished, so many times when I was there, that you were with me, or at least that I had a camera. I’d watch the sunrise, or the moon, or sit by a stream and think of you and wish you could see it.” Okay, so I wasn’t much of a nature fan, but the way Ryder described it, I could see the appeal. Plus, being with him would be the best part.

“Did you get inspired?” I asked. He smiled, and it hit me just how handsome he was. Even more so than that first day I’d met him. He seemed older somehow. Definitely wiser. It might have been the beard, but it was something intangible. He had changed on that mountain, but so far, it was all good.

“Yeah. It made me wish I knew how to paint, or at least draw something other than crappy stick figures,” he said. “But even if I could draw or paint, or make any kind of art, I wouldn’t be able to do it justice.”

That made me laugh.

“What’s so funny?”

“Art. It never comes out the way you think it’s going to be when you imagine it. Something changes during the process of creating, and your creation takes on a life of its own, independent of you. That’s when it’s not yours anymore.” I really believed that my designs came part from me and part from this other place. I didn’t really know what to call it, or even what it was, but I often thought of it as a well that supplied ideas. A flowing force that I couldn’t control, no matter how hard I tried.

“Yeah, Gil told me something like that,” he said.

“Are you excited to work at the gallery? Maybe you’ll find a talent for something. There might be a market for stick figure art. You never know. I think there’s this guy on the internet, and if you pay him money, he draws you a cat then sends it to you. He’s probably made millions or something,” I said.

Rory and Lucah were walking ahead of us, but at a faster pace, so soon they turned a corner and were out of sight. It was just me and Ryder.

“I’m not so sure anyone would want my drawings, but I’ll consider it. And yeah, I am excited. It’s going to be different than any job I’ve ever had. Something else I realized was that I am not cut out for traditional employment.” He chuckled and swung our arms again.

“Nooo,” I said in mock shock. “That is brand new information!”

“Took me a while to figure it out, but I don’t think I can work at a regular job. People drive me fucking nuts.”

They drove me nuts, too.

“Ditto. I worked normal jobs when I had to, but as soon as I could, I got the hell out of there.” We started listing our least favorite jobs. Ryder had a hell of a lot of jobs. Most of them didn’t last long, and most of them were entry-level.

“Why didn’t you go to college?” I asked, hoping he wouldn’t be offended.

“No money, mostly. And I wasn’t the best student. My teachers were always writing that I had potential, but I didn’t know how to apply myself.” He put air quotes around “potential” and “apply myself.”

“Ouch. I always got told I was too bossy. Which just pissed me off even more. Because you’d never say that to a male student, would you? Sexist assholes.” We were bringing up a lot of childhood memories I’d rather forget, but we were back to the apartment, so I was glad for the change of subject as we walked up the steps.

Ryder kept my hand in his as we rode the elevator then walked to my door. He had to let go so I could get my keys out, and I missed his large hand holding mine. I’d never been one for a whole lot of PDA. It seemed just like an effort to shove your relationship status in someone else’s face. Now though . . . I wouldn’t mind holding his hand for the rest of my life.

He’d put the box in his bag when we walked back, so he went to the couch, sat down, and pulled it out. I’d wrapped it with a green ribbon I had laying around.

“Should I be worried?” he asked as he held one end of the ribbon to pull the bow apart.

“Nothing is going to jump out and eat you, if that’s what you’re worried about. And it’s not a bomb.”

His eyes went wide at the mention of a bomb, and he slowly lifted the box to his ear and listened to it.

“Oh please,” I said, rolling my eyes. Now I was impatient for him to open it.

“Okay, okay. But if this blows up in my face, it’s going to make it really hard to keep loving you.” Despite his silly reservations, he pulled the ribbon on the box and opened it. I realized I probably had to do a little explaining.

“Every time you wrote me a letter, I wrote you one back. It was my way of dealing with missing you at night when I was here alone. And sometimes I’d think of things I wanted to tell you during work, so those are in there as well. I wrote on whatever was handy.

Carefully, he took the enormous stack of papers out of the box. I’d organized them in chronological order, with the most recent on the bottom.

“You wrote me every day?” he asked, picking up the first letter.

“Yeah. You did, so it was only fair. And it gave me something to do.” He unclipped my letter from the top, and I watched as he started reading.

I sat back and waited as he read the first letter in complete silence, except for his lips moving just a little, as if he was reading to himself. Every now and then he’d smile at something I hoped he though was funny. I hadn’t tried to be witty or anything in the letters, I’d just written them in a stream of consciousness, not worrying about what I was saying. Thinking back, I’d probably put some dumb things in there, but oh well. Too late now.

He finished the first letter and went right to the second. Was he going to read every single one? If so, it was going to be a long night. I’d gotten a bit long-winded in some of them and taken up several sheets, front and back. Not to mention the various bits of things I’d written on other pieces of paper.

It was also a little strange to watch him read them, so I got up, hoping he wouldn’t notice. I thought he didn’t, but then he spoke.

“You don’t have to leave, but I’m not leaving until I’ve read every single one. Then we’re going to fuck.”

I crashed into my dining table.

“Ouch!” I yelled, grabbing at my leg that was definitely going to have a bruise.

Ryder finally looked up from the letters. “You okay?”

“Uh, yeah, but what did you say?” I needed to hear it again.

“I said that I’m going to read all the letters and then we’re going to fuck. Unless you don’t want to?” His eyebrows drew together as if the idea that I wouldn’t want to concerned him.

“I just . . . you . . . what?” Words deserted me. I was so used to Ryder being blunt, but this time I knew he absolutely, one hundred percent, meant it. Like if I said yes, he’d jump over the back of the couch and fuck me right where I stood. I couldn’t help the wave of desire that washed over me thinking about it.

Yes, I’d thought about what would happen when Ryder came home, and that did cross my mind. More than once. More than a hundred times. We’d barely kissed, but yeah, I’d imagined what he would be like in bed. Ferocious. Attentive. Relentless. And I bet he’d cuddle the shit out of me afterwards. He looked like a good cuddler.

“Sloane?” I’d drifted off, and his voice snapped me back to the present moment, my throbbing leg and his demand-slash-proposition.

“Okay,” I said, sounding totally eager. Like he’d just offered me a lovely chocolate cake.

“Okay to the sex?” He really appeared to need my confirmation.

I nodded. We’d both gotten tested after that night and had come out clean, and I knew he hadn’t been with anyone else, so we were good. Better than good.

He grinned like I’d just given him a cake.

“See you in a little while then.” And with that he went back to the letters and I slumped against the table, trying to figure out how I could possibly wait until he’d read all those damn letters. I wanted him. Right. Now.

I waited ten excruciating minutes before I had to leave the room. With nowhere else to go, I slunk down the hall to Rory and Lucah’s place. I didn’t bother knocking.

“Sloane! Boundaries!” Rory barked at me as I walked in on the two of them making out on the couch. Everyone had caught the sex bug tonight.

“Sorry. I just needed a place to be for, um, a little while.” I could feel my body twitching like when I had too much caffeine.

Rory and Lucah got up and rearranged themselves. Lucah made sure to wipe the red lipstick off his mouth.

“Where’s Ryder?” he asked.

“He’s just hanging out at my place for a few minutes.” Or hours. Why had I written such long fucking letters?

I also hadn’t thought this through. Being so completely turned on and afraid that they could somehow tell wasn’t that much fun. And potentially embarrassing.

“Why?” Lucah asked, instantly alarmed.

“Nothing. Hey, can I talk to you for a second?” I asked, latching on to Rory’s arm and dragging her into the bedroom, not giving her a choice.

“Yeah, I guess, if you’re going to kidnap me.”

Lucah was getting more alarmed by the second.

“Don’t get your panties in a twist. We’re fine,” I said as I slammed the bedroom door behind me.

“Ryder said he’s going to fuck me,” I blurted out.

“Whoa, I really did not need to know that, Sloane,” Rory said, sitting on her bed.

“Sorry, but he just said it. Out of the blue. Like he was telling me we were going to watch a movie. I mean, I’m used to him being direct, but shit,” I said, pacing in front of the bed. I couldn’t stay still.

“Okay, so what did you say back?” This was quite a role reversal. Normally she was the one freaking out and I was the one who did the talking and advice giving.

“I said okay. I mean, you know I’ve wanted to get with him forever. But maybe that’s not a good idea. Maybe it’s too soon, or it’s a bad idea, or . . . I don’t know. He told me he loved me.” I couldn’t seem to string together a set of thoughts that made any sense.

“He did? Before or after he asked for the sex?”

“Before,” I said, finally sitting down next to her, bringing my knees up and setting my chin on them. “I told him I loved him back. And I do. I do love him. And I want to have sex with him.”

“And?” Rory said, sensing there was more to it.

“And all the reasons I keep telling myself are good reasons not to be with him all seem stupid. Like I’m using them because I’m scared.”

Rory lay back on her bed and I lay back with her. We both stared up at the ceiling.

“What are you scared of?” she asked.

“A lot of things. Of him breaking my heart. Of things not working out. I’ve never felt this way about anyone. If something were to happen, if he ended up messing things up again . . . I don’t know how I’d get through it. I really don’t. He has the power to really fuck my life up.”

Rory was silent for a moment.

“I know how you feel. It was the same way with Lucah. I was scared to open up to him and share with him parts of myself I’d never shared with anyone, but then I realized that it was too late. I’d already done it. Love like that . . . it isn’t something you can fight. It grabs a hold of you and doesn’t let go. Even if that other person doesn’t seem right for you. I thought Lucah was totally wrong for me, and then I fell in love with him and everything made sense.” I’d been with her during that time. She’d been so conflicted, so confused. Just like me now.

“Remember when you told me I was in love with Lucah and I denied it and denied it?”

“No, I don’t remember that at all,” I said, my voice dripping with sarcasm. Rory was the last one to realize (or maybe that was on purpose) she was in love with Lucah. And then we’d gotten drunk and she’d left him a voicemail. The whole thing was hilarious. At least I hadn’t done that.

“Well, I’m going to do that for you now. You love him. He loves you. Yes, there are obstacles, but there always are. No road to love is smoothly paved. Whether you like it or not, you’re on a journey with him now.” She made it sound so romantic like that.

“So, what is he doing right now?” she asked, turning toward me.

“He’s reading all the letters I wrote him,” I said. Might as well tell her. She was my best friend, after all.

“You wrote him back?”

I nodded.

“You do love him,” she said.

“Yeah, I do. But what if that’s not enough?”

She sighed and sat up again.

“You won’t know until you try. So, go try.”

I got to my feet.

“Are you, Rory Clarke, telling me to go bang your fiancé’s brother?”

She laughed. “I guess I am. Have we switched personalities?” she asked.

“Maybe. I’m the one who’s babbling and pacing and asking for boy advice,” I said.

Rory got to her feet and gave me a hug.

“Oh, hun. It’s going to be okay.”

I rested my chin on the top of her head. Time to face the music.

“I think I need to go back now.”

She let go of me and then slapped me on the ass.

“Go get him.”

Yup, we’d definitely switched personalities.

Lucah was also pacing when I left the bedroom, Rory following behind me.

“What were you two doing in there?” he asked. His eye was twitching again.

“Oh, get your mind out of the gutter,” I said, rolling my eyes. I didn’t swing that way and neither did Rory. We would make a totally hot couple if we did, though.

“I wasn’t thinking that. Sloane, what’s going on?” Worrying was going to send that boy to an early grave.

“Nothing. Just talking about girl things. Nothing to worry your pretty head about.” I patted the top of his head as I walked by. “Everything is fine. And stop worrying so much. It will give you wrinkles.” I waved as Rory put her arms around Lucah. Something told me she’d come up with a way to distract him from worrying.

“Bye, Sloane,” Rory said.

“Byeeee.” I shut the door and headed back down the hallway to deal with my own redhead.

I listened for a moment before I opened the door.

“Hey,” I said, keeping my voice low. He was in the exact same position I’d left him in. I crossed the space between us and leaned against the arm of the couch. He had the letters he’d already gone through stacked on the seat next to him. He’d read a lot of them already. Must be a fast reader.

He didn’t look up, but he held up one finger. And then he laughed.

“You’re funny,” he said, setting the page he’d been reading in the pile and moving on to the next.

“Thank you,” I said. Now I wanted to pace again. I just couldn’t stay still. How he could be so calm when thinking about sex was beyond me. Or maybe he was too focused on the letters and not even thinking about that. I sure was. Now that I was alone with him again, it was all I could think about. Sure, I’d spent a lot of time on those letters, but I wouldn’t give them a second thought if I tackled him right now and we got down and dirty. I’d take sex over letters anytime.

“I’m thinking that maybe I can’t finish these tonight,” he said, still reading. “Besides, I’m pretty sure if I don’t kiss you and do a lot of other things in the next five seconds, it might kill me.” His voice was totally calm, but I finally noticed that he had the stack of letters he hadn’t read yet strategically placed over his lap. Ha. He was totally hot for me.

“Okay,” I said again.

“I don’t want okay,” he said, finally setting the letters back on the coffee table. He’d gotten through about half of them. “I want you to want me. I want you to want me so bad you can’t think of anything else.” He got up from the couch and took a step toward me.

“I do want you. I’ve wanted you even before I met you. Lucah said he had a brother and . . . it was like I knew. I can’t explain it exactly. And then I saw you and I really knew.” I had no idea if I was making any sense, but I couldn’t explain it any other way.

“I knew, too. I thought it was just that you were so beautiful, but it’s so much more than that. It’s . . . everything.” He took another step.

“It is. Everything,” I said. Now neither of us were making any sense.

“I want you to kiss me,” I said.

“What else do you want?” He stopped with barely a foot of space between us.

“I want you to take off my clothes. Slowly. I want you to kiss me everywhere. And I mean everywhere. I want you to take off your clothes and let me do the same to you. I want all of you. Every corner and curve. I want my tongue all over you and inside you and I want to learn how you taste. I want to know every single part of you.” I’d been pretty adventurous in my sex life before Ryder, but that was nothing compared to what this would be.

“I just want you to love me,” I said.

He smiled slowly. “Done.”

And with that, his lips were on mine and there was no more waiting. No more second-guessing. No more questions, only answers. Only yes, yes, yes.

His lips were soft but insistent, and the kiss hit me like a tidal wave. I’d been waiting so long for this that it was like taking that gasp of air when you’ve been underwater for so long that your lungs hurt. I drank him in, needing more, not getting enough. His beard was rough, but it added a little bit of sour to the sweet. I loved it.

Pulling him close, I wrapped my body around his, clinging to him like a life raft in the ocean. He was my anchor.

And then his tongue slid into my mouth, testing, tasting, teasing. I let him take possession of me, and it was the most freeing moment I’d ever had in my life. I’d never given in to another person like this. Never. But this was right. He was right. We were right.

His hands fluttered over my face and neck and started working at the straps of my dress, tugging them over my shoulders.

Our lips parted and my eyes snapped open.

“Where do you want me to kiss you?” he asked, his eyes burning into mine. It took a second for me to be able to form words again.

“Everywhere,” I said, my voice a husky whisper.

“No. Tell me. I need directions. Specific directions.”

Oh, it was going to be like that? I grinned.

“I want you to kiss my lips and then my neck. Here.” I pointed to my favorite spot to be kissed. I had the feeling he’d discover other spots I liked that even I didn’t know about yet. Not a lot of the men I’d been with were good at taking their time and making sure I was fully satisfied. I probably shouldn’t have been with some of them, but hindsight and all that. You don’t know how the car drives until you get behind the wheel.

“And where else?”

I pulled the top of my dress further down and stroked my collarbone.

“Here.”

“Oh, there? I think I can do that. But first, there’s something in the way.” I’d never resented clothes so much before. I loved clothes. But right now, I wanted to burn my entire wardrobe for standing in the way of my skin and Ryder’s lips.

Carefully, almost too carefully, he undid the zipper of my dress then pulled it over my head. I hadn’t worn anything spectacular under it, because I definitely didn’t think this would actually be happening right now. Still, my bra and panties were cute and matched. I never left the house without a matching set of underwear on.

Ryder tossed the dress behind him and just stared at me. No, that wasn’t the right word. His eyes devoured me. I felt unbelievably sexy and unbelievably vulnerable at the same exact time.

“I know I’ve seen you naked before, but fuck. You’re spectacular, Sloane.” He brushed his fingertips across my shoulders and moved them down to my hands. We linked fingers, and he leaned forward to kiss my lips. Almost as if he was scared.

“What are you smiling about?” he asked, breaking the kiss.

“Nothing,” I said. “Absolutely nothing. And shouldn’t your mouth be busy right about now?”

He raised one eyebrow and then dipped his lips to kiss my cheek.

“Yes, my love.” I shivered and nearly threw myself on him. But I held still as he kissed my cheek again, then my other cheek, then my chin, before tilting my head up and starting to kiss his way down my neck. Every now and then he’d flick his tongue out and taste me. His beard scraped against my sensitive skin, making every nerve jump and tingle. Shit, this was amazing. He was never allowed to shave again.

“You taste so sweet, Sloane. I bet you’re even sweeter the lower I go.” I wasn’t sure about that, but I couldn’t really think at the moment. All my senses were concentrated on one thing. His mouth on my body. I curled my hands in his hair, wishing I could get him even closer, if that were possible.

Ryder got down on his knees and looked up at me.

“As adorable as this is, I think it needs to go,” he said pulling the strap of my bra down and over my shoulder.

“Just don’t rip it. Or else I will never sleep with you again,” I said as he pulled the other strap over my shoulder and snaked his arm around my back, unfastening my bra on the first try.

“You’ve practiced,” I said, and he rested his chin on my stomach, his faced tilted up.

“Maybe. It’s all for you, Sloane.” Sure, it did bother me that he’d been with girls before, just as I was sure it bothered him that I’d been with other guys. But what the fuck did it matter now? He was with me, I was with him, and that was all I cared about.

“Good,” I said as he pulled my bra off and tossed it to the side with my dress. My panties were the next to go, and I leaned against him as he helped me step out of them. I waited for his next move. He buried his face in my stomach and held me.

“I’m sorry about the first time we were naked together. But I’ll do my best to make up for it. Right now.”

I stroked his hair back and leaned down to kiss the top of his head.

“I know you will,” I said. He stood up so abruptly that I lost my balance. Ryder was there to catch me and then I was lifted completely off my feet.

I didn’t really care where we went, but he appeared determined to take me to the bedroom, so that was where we headed. He kicked the door in like a conquering prince.

He was gentle as he laid me on the bed and gazed down at me.

“This is one of those times when I wish I could draw or paint. I’d want you just like this.”

“Like one of your French girls?” I said, making a Titanic reference.

He smiled and sighed.

“I don’t even know where to start. You might need to give me some direction, Sloane.”

“What is this? Sex by number?”

“No. I just want you to tell me what you want. What do you want, Sloane? Say it out loud.” He was asking me what I wanted, but his tone was commanding. My heart raced with excitement.

“I want you. Just you. Get started and I’ll let you know if you’re going in the right direction.” He probably wouldn’t need much direction at all.

“As you wish, my love,” he said, starting to strip his shirt off.

I sat up.

“Can I undress you first?” He nodded and let go of his shirt. I got to my feet, grabbed the hem and pulled it over his head. Ryder’s body was a beautiful, scarred thing. Some of them were barely visible, faded with time. Some were more recent.

“I love these,” I said, brushing my hand across the tattoos on his torso. “And I love these,” I said, touching a few of the scars. “Someday you’ll tell me how you got each one, yes?” I met his eyes and he nodded slowly.

He’d gone from being commanding to being . . . almost skittish. He quivered under my hands, as if he would bolt.

“Are you scared of me?” I asked.

“No,” he lied.

“What happened to the Ryder who told me we were going to fuck?”

“He’s still here,” he said.

“Good. Because if you’re not read—“ I started to say, but he silenced me with a kiss. This was the third time he’d done that.

“I’m ready,” he said against my lips, taking my hands and guiding them down his chest to his belt. It wasn’t easy to concentrate on kissing and undoing his pants, but somehow I managed. I didn’t mean to take his boxers down with them, but at least it saved me that one extra step. Finally we were naked together again. This time, though, we were sober and going to do much more than sleep.

“I’m ready,” he said again, and I could feel his readiness pressing into my stomach. Very ready. Readier than ready.

I dragged my hands down his chest and took him in my hands. He gasped a little and his eyes rolled back in his head. Wow, my touch must be magic.

“You don’t get to touch me like that until I’ve made you come. At least once. Hopefully you won’t be able to stand tomorrow. My goal is to satisfy you so much that you’ll never want to leave this bed.” Well, that was something I could definitely get behind.

“Okay,” I said, letting go of him. He chuckled and pushed me back until my legs hit the foot of the bed.

“Lay back,” he said, but it was more of a command. Now that he was in control, his confidence was back. I was more than happy to let him take the lead.

I did as he asked, pushing myself backwards until my head was against my pillows, my body spread out before him. Ryder waited only a second before crawling on top of me. He braced himself on his arms and looked down, our noses barely touching.

“What do you want?” I asked. He didn’t even think about it.

“I want you to fuck my face.” My eyes went wide, but he just grinned and rolled to the side.

“Come here,” he said, reaching for me. I switched places with him. I leaned over and he kissed my face.

“You asked, I told you,” he said. It was true. I did ask. And I wasn’t opposed to it, but I thought we might work our way up to that. Guess he wanted to get right down to business.

“Do you not like that?” he asked, pulling away, his brows drawing together in concern. I had never talked this much during sex before. Usually I just doled out encouragement and then screamed in (sometimes fake, okay mostly fake) ecstasy. The logistics were usually lost on me in the moment.

“No, I love it. I just didn’t think you’d want to go right downtown off the bat. But hey, if you want, I’m game.” I smiled and his expression changed.

“Then get up here,” he said, grabbing my hips. Yes, sir.

I used my headboard to pull myself up until I was straddling Ryder’s torso. He reached up and stroked my arms, moving down my chest and working my nipples until they were stiff and aching. This boy sure knew how to push all the right buttons. Granted, I’d been so turned on when we’d started that I probably would have come from him just breathing on me.

As it was now, I knew I was close. Ryder pinched my nipples hard, just a little bite of pain and I moaned and arched against him. He did it again and I pushed against him. He laughed.

“Naughty girl. Seems like you enjoy a teeny bit of pain.” I’d never thought I did, but he seemed to bring things out in me that I didn’t know were there. Hell, if he wanted to role play and have me dress up in a Catholic girl’s uniform, I’d probably be on board. I wanted to do everything with him.

“Uh-huh,” was the only response I could form. Once more, he pinched my nipples before sliding his hands down my stomach and giving me goosebumps. The heat between my legs was building into the sweetest ache, and I knew I’d need a release soon or else it would consume me. Could you die from being massively turned on and then not having an orgasm to satisfy it? Like, blue balls, but for girls? I said a prayer in my head that nothing would interrupt us. Not this time.

He gripped my hips again and brought them closer to his mouth. A wave of self-consciousness crashed over me and suddenly, I didn’t know if I could do this. But he must have sensed it, because at that moment, he licked his fingers and dragged them up the inside of my thighs, meeting in the middle. He stroked me and I shoved myself against his hand. One of his fingers slid inside me, and I moaned again.

He used his thumb on my clit as I rocked my hips against him. He kept his other hand on my ass, almost pushing me. I fucked his hand and it was so good I nearly lost it. That boy and his magical, magical fingers.

He slid a second finger inside me, and I could feel myself starting to stretch. It had been a while, but I wasn’t worried. Ryder wasn’t like those fellows who would go right for the kill. He would take his sweet time, and how sweet it was.

Little gasps came out of my mouth and I didn’t even care. I moved my hips faster, thrusting so hard, he could no longer keep his hand inside me. But he didn’t leave me for long. He simply licked his fingers, leaned forward, and then his mouth took the place of his hands. With one flick of his tongue on my clit, I dived over the edge of a cliff, arms spread wide, thinking about nothing but falling. I nearly toppled over, but his steady hands gripping my ass kept me from going anywhere. His tongue stroked me through my first climax. I shuddered and twitched in the aftermath, and then sighed as warmth and contentment followed. There were orgasms and then there was that. An entire bodily experience that left you breathless and so satisfied that you never wanted to do anything else but keep having them. If only life were like that.

“Oh. My. God,” I said, looking down at him. He grinned up at me from between my legs, and I'd never seen anything so damn beautiful. The scratchiness from the beard added a whole new element to the experience.

“More?” he asked.

“More,” I said.

He got me off a second time with his mouth, and this time I leaned back on my arms and arched my back into him. I’d never thought of myself as a sexual acrobat, but now I was seeing the potential benefits of being more flexible.

My arms got so tired that I couldn’t hold myself in that position anymore. Without me even saying anything about it, Ryder sat up.

“You can lay back if you want, baby. Let me do the work.” I climbed off him with wobbly legs and nearly collapsed onto my bed. He crawled over me and smiled down at me. He was quite pleased with himself.

“Just because you got me off, doesn’t mean you’re Superman,” I said, grinning.

“No, but I did get you off. Twice.”

I rolled my eyes. “What is it with men and female orgasms? You think you deserve a reward for each one.”

“Haven’t you ever heard the saying that hard work is its own reward? That is definitely true in this case.” He licked his lips and kissed my forehead.

“I guess. But I think you deserve something for your time and effort.”

He turned his head to the side.

“Oh, yeah?”

“Definitely. You’ve been in the mountains for a month. I’m sure you’re aching for a good blow job.” He’d worked on me for a quite a while and was hard as hell. I didn’t know how he was keeping his cool at the moment.

“Well, I’m not going to turn it down, but you don’t have to.”

Aw, how sweet.

“Okay, cool. I guess if you’re not into that . . .”

He grabbed my chin. “I never said I wasn’t into that.”

I grinned at him and jerked my chin out of his hand and started to shimmy downward. Time for a role reversal.

“Fuuuuuuck,” he said as I licked the underside of him. I was already getting off just on this. Giving Ryder pleasure was just as good as getting it from him. Maybe even better.

I worked his balls with my hand as I continued to stroke his shaft with my tongue before I pulled him fully into my mouth. His hips twitched and he jerked toward me. Who was fucking whose face now?

Moving my lips up and down, I watched him go wild, and it was amazing. I got a glimpse of what I was in for later. He started growling like a primal animal, and it only made me work harder and move faster. I took him as far as he could go without gagging. For Ryder, I was more than willing to go the extra inch.

His growling became more intense, his movements more out of control, and then he jerked himself out of my mouth.

“I’m coming inside you,” he said by way of explanation. I wiped the spit off my chin and looked up at him.

“Fuck, you look amazing down there like that. Makes me want to lose it all over you.”

I smiled. “You could if you wanted to. As long as it’s not in my hair. Or my eyes.”

He laughed. “I fucking love you.”

I scooted myself upward, and our mouths met again for a slower, sweeter session. We were building toward something monumental and I could barely stand the amount of energy coursing through my body.

He was everywhere and everything. He grabbed some of my hair and yanked at it.

“Hey!” I said, and he did it again.

“I said I wanted to pull your hair.” That was true. He had said that. And it was kind of hot. Maybe I was a fan of pain? Interesting.

“True. Do it again.” He did. Yeah, I did like that.

“Mmm, I think we’re going to have to play a little next time,” he said. “But right now, I need to be inside you or else I might die.”

Ditto. So I took matters into my own hands, wrapping my hands around him and positioning him at my entrance. Just to tease him a little, I rubbed him on my clit.

He growled again. “Fucking tease.”

“You love it,” I said, doing it again.

“I’d love it if my dick was inside you. Right. Now.” I stroked him one more time with my hand before moving my hips upward to take him inside. I couldn’t go all the way, but he did his part and closed the distance.

“Mmm,” I said. Having him inside me while staring up into his beautiful eyes was like watching everything fall into place.

“Fuck,” he said, closing his eyes and moving his hips a little. “You feel fucking perfect.” So did he.

He leaned down and kissed my lips before drawing his hips back and thrusting into me. The sensation of him leaving me and then filling me again was just . . . the best thing ever.

I heard myself moan, and I grabbed his ass to try and pull him in deeper. I arched my hips up to meet him. He seemed to really like that and responded by driving me down into the mattress.

Who knew missionary could be so fucking hot?

“Good?” he asked.

“Good,” I said.

With a smile, he redoubled his efforts and my head nearly exploded. Somehow in the middle of it I came a third time, and he slowed down a second to let me get through it before he went at it again. He was really good at this. Or maybe it was that our bodies somehow fit perfectly together. Every time he thrust into me, he hit exactly the right spot, like he was made to get me off.

This was the most mind-blowing sex of my life.

“You’re fucking amazing, and we are doing this every day for the rest of our lives. Twice,” he said, panting as he kept going. He had this intense look of concentration on his face that was so damn sexy. How did I get to have such an amazing man in my life? He made me laugh, he got me, and he was fantastic in bed. Talk about winning the relationship lottery.

I wasn’t deluded enough to think that Ryder was perfect, but who the hell was? He’d taken amazing steps to improve his life, and he was going to keep on improving. This was going to work. I could really feel it this time.

Ryder leaned down to kiss me softly, and then his back arched and he groaned. He came inside me and it was fucking beautiful.

Instead of collapsing, he dropped his head for a moment, his chest heaving. I was breathing heavily myself. What a workout. With Ryder in my life, I wouldn’t need to go to the gym. We could just fuck each other several times a day. I was completely down with that plan.

He started to pull out, but I locked my legs around him.

“Don’t go just yet.”

A smile crossed his face. “Well, give me a minute and I won’t have to.”

Fuck. Yeah.

Ryder had said we should do it once or maybe even twice a day. Well, that night we fucked so many times I lost count. So many ways that my body had given up and I could barely crawl to the bathroom to pee.

“I can’t anymore,” I said when the sun started peeking under the curtains. My body was draped over Ryder, and he was on his back. I’d been stroking his tattoos, but my hand had gotten tired.

“Can’t what?” he said, his fingers twirling my hair.

“Can’t even,” I said. “That was a marathon, buddy. I think we made up for lost time. Holy shit.” Exhaustion kept hitting me in surges, and it was all I could do to keep my damn eyes open.

“You did good.” He patted my shoulder like I was a horse who had just run a race or something. I wanted to glare at him, but my eyelids were too exhausted.

“You too, fire crotch.” The carpet definitely matched the drapes.

He laughed and then winced.

“It hurts to laugh.”

“Why?” I said.

“I don’t know.”

And then we both passed out.

The next thing I knew something was moving under me.

“Sorry, baby,” Ryder said, kissing my cheek. “I have to use the restroom.”

“Uh-huh,” I said.

“You’re on top of me.” I tried moving and failed.

“I tried. You’re gonna have to roll me over or something.”

So he lifted me up with one hand and slid out from under me. I fell back on the bed with a flop.

“Ow!” I moaned.

“Sorry,” he said again before heading to the bathroom. I cracked my eyes open and stared in the direction of the clock. It was nearly noon. The next feeling that registered was an insatiable hunger. My stomach growled, as if it had been waiting for me to remember its existence.

“Ryder?” I called over the sound of the water running in the bathroom.

“Yeah?” He turned it off and walked back into the room. Hell yeah, he was still naked and glorious. Now I was the one who wanted to do the drawing. I’d never been one for figures, though. I’d taken a few classes in college but hadn’t been passionate about it enough to make a study of it. I was more interested in what went on the body.

“Hungry,” I said, turning onto my back and rubbing my aching belly.

“Yeah, me too. Want me to make some eggs or something?”

Normally I wouldn’t let anyone cook breakfast for me, but in this case, I’d let it slide. Also, he’d been able to make grilled cheese without fucking it up, so I had faith in him.

“Sure,” I said. “Don’t ask me for help because I’m not moving.”

He saluted me. “Aye, aye, captain. I’ll report back when I’ve got everything ready.” And he left, not even bothering to put his pants on.

“Are you cooking naked?” I yelled after him.

He turned around. “I’ll put an apron on to protect my cock.” With a wink, he was heading to the fridge. I realized he’d left the door open, and if I moved a little, I could watch him while he cooked. Nice. Breakfast and a show.

For the next half hour I watched Ryder’s ass peeking out from the back of the apron as he cooked eggs, bacon, and toast. He even brewed fresh coffee and brought me a cup as soon as it was ready so I could start feeling sort of human again.

Every time I moved, my muscles protested.

“I think I have a groin injury!” I yelled when I tried to go to the bathroom. Sitting on the toilet seat was excruciating.

“Then I’ve done my job!” Ryder yelled back. No sympathy.

“I’ll give you a groin injury, mister!”

“I’m looking forward to it!”

When the food was ready, he brought it to me on a tray.

“As much as I hate to say it, I think you should cover up so you don’t drop something hot on yourself. I don’t want you to burn your gorgeous skin. Let’s keep it as scar-free as we can, okay?” I pulled the covers up to my chest, and Ryder handed me a napkin to put on my lap. It was a very civilized, naked breakfast-in-bed.

His eggs were good. As was the rest of him.

“So, I was thinking that I should probably head over to Lucah and Rory’s, since I’m technically staying there now.” I put my fork down, wishing I could ask for seconds. I needed at least four times this amount of food to recover from the amount of energy I’d expended the night before.

“Or you could just live here,” I blurted out. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to spring that on you.”

He looked down at his lap but smiled.

“I would love to move in with you. Someday. But right now I think I need to learn how to actually take care of myself. Like, really take care of myself. Be independent. I’ve always relied on someone or something else to help me. No more. I’m going to do this on my own. It feels good. Really good.”

He smiled, and it was so sweet that I wanted to wrap myself around him like an octopus and never let go.

“That’s okay. I don’t know if I’m ready to take that step anyway. I don’t know why I said that. In case you haven’t noticed, I tend to say what’s on my mind.” It had gotten me into some sticky situations, but it had also gotten me out of some, so there you had it.

Ryder held my chin and looked deep into my eyes.

“Don’t you ever change, S. Harris.”

“I’ll try not to, R. Blythe.”

I told Ryder he could go ahead and use my shower. He suggested that I join him, but I didn’t think I could deal with anyone touching my ladybits anytime soon. They were off limits, even to me.

He changed into one of the outfits I’d made him.

“Aren’t all your clothes dirty?” I asked.

He shook his head. “I kept a few things in my bag that I didn’t want to mess up. This was one of them.”

Aw. So he hadn’t wanted to grunge up the clothes I’d made him.

“You can wear them and mess them up. They’re meant to be worn, and I can mend them for you.” I definitely didn’t mind the idea of having to hand sew Ryder’s clothes or put patches on them. I loved that idea.

“And I can make you more stuff. Just tell me what you want and I’ll create it for you.”

“You don’t have to,” he said, rubbing his head, fluffing out his hair.

“I know, but I want to. I like doing things for you.”

He leaned down to give me a soft kiss.

“I need to go and be with my brother for a while. Will you be okay here?”

Yeah, I’d probably be okay for a few minutes without him. I was going to start drawing him an entire wardrobe, and I was going to surprise him with it whether he liked it or not.

“Yeah. And when you get back, you can read the rest of the letters.” His eyes lit up when I mentioned the letters again. I’d almost forgotten about them in the heat of last night.

“Sounds like a plan. And then maybe we can have dinner, and I can eat it off of you.”

I made a face. I didn’t like mixing food and sex. Too many weird things could go wrong with that whole situation.

“Or maybe we could go out for dinner. Somewhere nice,” he said.

“Perfect.” He gave me one more kiss before he grabbed the rest of his stuff and headed down the hall. I tried to tell myself that he was just a few yards away, but my heart was dumb and wouldn’t listen.

I told myself to get a grip. He’d be right back. I could deal with not seeing him for a little while. Hell, I did without him for a whole damn month.

But that was before I told him that I loved him, and before he said he loved me in person. Everything was different now. Sure, life was more complicated, but what wasn’t? Yes, things could go wrong, but I could trip in the bathroom while brushing my teeth and impale myself on the toothbrush and die. Life was all about risks, and if you never took any, you weren’t living. I’d been balls to the wall in most everything I did, but with my love life I’d been cautious. Not anymore. I was all in.

All fucking in.

I happily got to work making Ryder more clothes. Pants and jeans and jackets and shirts and even a few suits. I really wanted to see him in a suit again.

He came back just before five with a grin on his face.

“What’s so funny?” I asked, coming out of the second bedroom that I’d converted to my studio.

“Nothing. Lucah’s just an asshole sometimes.”

I had no idea what that was about, so I let it go.

“You’re vertical,” he said, noticing that I was standing up.

“Yup. It took a lot of effort, but here I am.” I hadn’t really gotten dressed, though. I’d just thrown on a tank top and a pair of shorts. No bra or underwear. Didn’t need ‘em.

“Great. So, I was thinking that we should make tonight really special.” He held his hand in front of his face to show me there was nothing in it, and then he snapped his fingers and held something out.

“What’s that?” I asked, coming over to see what was in his hand. It was an earring with a clear teardrop-shaped stone. If I didn’t know better, I’d say it was a diamond. Ryder held it up in front of my face and grinned.

“Pretty,” I said, not getting where this was going.

Ryder pretended to be confused.

“Oh, that’s right.” He reached behind my ear, and another earring, identical to the first, appeared.

“Cute,” I said. Taking my hand, he dropped both earrings into my palm and closed it around them.

“For me?” I asked.

“Of course. Who did you think they were for?”

I don’t know. No guy had ever given me jewelry before.

“They’re so pretty,” I said, studying them closer. The ear wires were a little bit tarnished. These were not new.

“Where did you get them?” I asked.

“They were my mother’s,” he said, his voice catching a little. “When my parents died, the three of us split up their jewelry. Since I didn’t trust myself with what I might do if I needed a fix, Ryder’s been keeping mine safe for me. We went to the bank and got them out of the safety deposit box a little while ago.”

I was suddenly seized with the fear that I would somehow drop or damage the precious jewelry in my hand. These weren’t just earrings. This was a piece of Ryder that he was sharing with me. Giving to me, along with his heart.

“Thank you so much, Ryder.” The earrings definitely weren’t my style, but that didn’t matter at all. I loved them so much. Immediately, I took out the hoops I’d slept in and set them on the side table next to my television and put in the ones he’d given me.

“How do they look?” I asked, pulling my hair back. Ryder touched the earring in my left ear.

“Perfect. I knew they would. They’re diamonds.”

Yikes. I was kind of hoping they were cubic zirconia.

“I don’t feel right wearing them,” I said. “I mean, what if something happens?”

“So? I still want you to have them. Even if we don’t stay together, I’ll always remember you and want you to have them.”

He did have a point, but I knew that if we did break up (hell, we hadn’t even discussed dating yet. Were we dating?), I would give them back to him. I couldn’t keep something like that.

“Speaking of being together,” he said, as if he’d read my mind.

“Yeah, we should probably talk about that,” I said.

“But first, I want the rest of my letters,” he said, walking toward the couch and sitting down.

“Sure, I’ll give you some privacy,” I said, walking back into my home studio.

“You don’t have to,” he said.

I smiled at him over my shoulder as I closed the door.

“It’s okay, take your time.”

I shut the door and turned some music on. I was probably overdoing it with the clothes, but whatever. I was having a good time.

About an hour later, there was a knock at the door. I opened it to find Ryder standing there, holding one of my letters.

“You said you love me,” he said, waving the letter in his hand. I didn’t get it.

“Yeah, I blurted it out at the airport, remember? And I definitely said it a million times last night.” I’d also said I loved certain attributes about him multiple times.

“But you wrote me. You signed the letters with ‘Love, Sloane.’”

I nodded, not getting it.

“Yes, and I also told you that night in the hospital.”

He shook his fist again, as if he was frustrated I couldn’t read his mind.

“But that night you said ‘loved.’ Past tense. This is present. And you said it when I was gone.”

“Yeah, well, so did you. You left me a fucking voicemail. What was I supposed to do with that?” I wasn’t mad, but I was getting a little frustrated.

“I know I said that I loved you but I wasn’t in love with you, but well, I am,” I said. “Both of those things. I’m not even sure what I feel for you now is even love anymore. It’s this all-consuming force that sometimes I’m afraid is going to destroy me.” Oops. I was getting worked up again, but he tended to do that to me.

“Yeah, well that’s how this feels! Like my whole fucking world is standing right in front of me and it’s you. You are everything, Sloane.”

I started to cry. I don’t know why, I’d just built up so many emotions and hadn’t let them out to him, and here they were, rushing forward.

“I’m still mad at you for what you did, but I’ve forgiven you, and we’re going to move on from it. The past is in the past and it’s time for our future. To forge a new path. Together. I’m all in, Ryder.”

He tossed the letter aside and lifted me off my feet.

“I’m going to fuck you again just for saying that.”

“Promise?” I said. I was sore and stiff as hell, but I’d get over it. We needed this.

I don’t know where the energy came from, but Ryder and I made love like we were mortal enemies, bent on destroying each other with passion. It was rough and raw, and by the time it was over I couldn’t even remember my own name. He made me fuck his face again, and I was more than happy to get on that ride.

“So I think,” Ryder said, still panting, “that we should date.”

“What are you talking about?” I asked, using my hand to prop myself up so I could see his face.

“I was thinking that you should be my girlfriend and I can be your boyfriend, and we can do shit like go to the movies and make out in the back and hold hands and finish each other’s sentences.”

I snorted. “Is that what dating is for you?”

He shrugged. “I guess. But it would be different with you, obviously. Because everything is different with you.”

I kissed his chest.

“Then maybe we should call it something different. How about . . . togethering?”

He made a face that told me he didn’t think that phrase was very good.

“Well fine, you come up with something,” I said.

“Can’t we just . . . be?”

“Be what?”

“Be Sloane and Ryder.”

“You’re not making any sense,” I said. “Are you thinking we should combine our names like a celebrity couple or something? How would you combine our names anyway?”

“Slyder?” he said.

“That’s actually kind of awesome,” I said. “Okay, we’ll be Slyder. And what is involved in Slydering? Yeah, I turned it into a verb.”

He looked up at me and smiled so big I thought he was going to injure his facial muscles.

“I love this. Can we just do this for the rest of our lives? I don’t just mean the sex, because that’s spectacular, but just this. The talking and the staring and the everything.”

“The Slydering,” I said.

“Yeah. The Slydering. We’ll turn it into a thing.”

“It will sweep the nation. Maybe even the world.”

“Undoubtedly,” he said, his expression going serious. “We’ll probably be nominated to rule the world. That’s going to be a lot of work.”

“Meh, we got this. Together.” I held my hand up, and he clasped it in his and kissed the back of my hand.

“Together,” he said.

Ryder went back to Lucah and Rory’s to get ready for our Slyder, known to everyone else as a date. But we were calling it a Slyder because that was how we rolled.

I searched through my closet, wondering what I should wear and had come back to the gown I’d worn the night of the ball. It was one of my absolute favorites dresses I’d ever made for myself. And it had a not so good memory associated with it. I wanted to change that.

So I put it on and twisted my hair up in the back and made sure Ryder’s mother’s earrings were safely in my ears. They really were gorgeous. They weren’t my style, but maybe they could be. I used to believe that people didn’t change, or they only changed a little and pretty much stayed the same from the time they were young. But now I was revising that. People could change. Not everyone, of course.

Ryder had changed. I had changed. We were changing together and turning into new people. I liked these new people and couldn’t wait to see more of them.

There was a knock at my door, and I grabbed my coat and bag. I swung the door open and started laughing. Ryder was wearing the same suit he’d worn at the ball.

“Twinsies,” I said, motioning to the dress. “Guess we both had the same idea.”

He was stunning. He’d slicked back his hair and trimmed his beard, and in that suit he was good enough to eat.

“Yeah,” he said, staring at me. “What did you say?” He blinked a few times, and I laughed.

“I said that we had the same idea to wear the outfits from the ball. Figured we should make some new memories in them.” I did a little twirl, and Ryder clapped.

“That is some dress, Sloane.”

I swung the skirt.

“And what about the girl inside it?”

He leaned forward and gave me a kiss on my cheek. “She’s even more spectacular.”

“You’re not so bad yourself,” I said. “If your goal was to get me to say fuck dinner and let’s go straight to bed, you succeeded.” Even though I was absolutely starving and well on my way to hangry, I would put it off for a little while to strip him out of that suit.

“That wasn’t my goal, but if that’s what you want,” he said, pulling me close and nibbling my neck.

“No, no, we have reservations. We should go. And I’m super hungry. We can totally have sex after dinner. I’m willing to skip dessert.”

He hugged me tighter. “You are the best. Sometimes I can’t believe you’re real.”

“Same here,” I said.

He helped me on with my coat then gave me his arm. We rode the elevator down, walking out of the building and onto the street. I thought maybe he would hail a cab, but we just kept walking.

“Where are we going?” I asked.

“To dinner,” he said, not answering my question.

“Yes, but we’re not walking there, are we?” I had my heels on from the ball and they weren’t going to be fun to walk in for much more than a few blocks.

“Nope. We’re driving.” He pulled something jingly out of his pants and held them up.

“So you stole a car?”

My comment caused him to throw his head back and laugh.

“No, Lucah said I could borrow his. I hope I can save up enough money working at the gallery to get my own. Or at least get a bike. But maybe a car is more practical now.”

“Now?” I asked, knowing what he meant but needing to hear him say it.

“Now that we’re Slydering. I couldn’t exactly throw you on the back of a motorcycle right now. And they’re not very practical in the winter anyway. A car is much more sensible. And I can get something badass and trick it out.”

I didn’t want him to sacrifice the desire to have a motorcycle for me.

“Well, maybe, if you’re a good little boy, Santa might bring you something special for Christmas.” I knew absolutely nothing about bikes, but maybe Lucah could help me out.

“What if I’m a bad little boy?”

God, I hoped so.

“Well, you might get something even a little more special.” We made it to the parking garage, and Ryder made me wait so he could bring the car around. That made me smile.

He pulled the car right up to where I was standing and jumped out to take my hand, leading me to the door. He was being quite the gentleman.

“Is this something I can get used to?” I asked as he helped me sit like I was a delicate feminine flower.

“Maybe,” he said before leaning forward, giving me a kiss, and shoving his tongue in my mouth. My dirty gentleman.

The restaurant was in the swanky part of Boston, which I didn’t frequent. Mostly because I didn’t like the idea of sitting in a fancy restaurant by myself, and none of my friends were all that fancy, despite some of their upbringings.

“Are you sure we’re allowed here?” I said in his ear as we walked to the front.

“Shhh,” he said, putting his finger to his lips. I closed my mouth and followed his lead as we walked inside and to the host standing at his podium.

“Do you have a reservation?” he said in a crisp and professional voice. Yup, this place was definitely upscale.

“Yes, it’s under Kensington. Walter and Margaret?”

What the fuck was he talking about? I squeezed his arm, but he ignored me. Then I remembered that time when Ryder told us the story of Lucah pretending to be different people when they were growing up, which probably led partially to his career in being a corporate spy. Was Ryder taking a leaf out of his brother’s book?

“Ah, yes. Right this way, Mr. Kensington.”

The host didn’t seem to think the name was odd at all, and was apparently buying this charade. Oh well, might as well go along with it.

“Oh, Walter, this place is lovely,” I said as he pulled my chair out for me. “Much better than that other place we went last week. Might as well dine in the alley,” I said, smiling at the host. He smiled down at me and handed me a menu, pointed out the wine list, and then started rattling off the specials. Fortunately for me, being a cooking aficionado, I knew what they all were even though some of them were in foreign languages.

“Thank you very much,” Ryder said. “Do you know what you’d like to get for wine, Margie?” Oh, I had a nickname now? He must have planned this out. The only problem was that I didn’t know how much money Ryder had to indulge on this little outing.

“There are so many to choose from. Can we take a moment to decide?” I said, smiling sweetly at the host.

He bowed.

“Absolutely. I’ll come back in a few minutes.”

I waited until he was out of earshot to talk to Ryder.

“How much money do you have? I mean, can you even afford this place?” I made sure to keep my voice as low as possible so no one would hear me. Most of the other diners were using their inside-fancy-restaurant voices. Plus, there was actually a dude playing the piano in the corner.

“Don’t worry about it, Margie. I’ve got this. Get whatever you want. Well, maybe with the exception of that bottle of wine that’s about six hundred dollars. But anything else, go for it.”

I definitely wasn’t going to do that. I’d feel like I was taking advantage. This wasn’t dating, this was Slydering, and I wasn’t going to let him pay for everything.

But I didn’t want Ryder to know that, so I just smiled at him.

“Thanks, Walter. I will.” I scanned the wine menu and found a Prosecco that wasn’t too cheap but wasn’t too fancy either. Our waiter soon arrived to take our dinner orders. For my meal, I had duck a l’Orange, and Ryder got the filet mignon. We kept up with our characters the whole time, having a pretend conversation about various friends from the country club and how Muffy was leaving Carter and taking the children. Ryder talked about a fictitious office and I talked about picking out new curtains. The whole evening was fun, and I loved pretending to be someone else with him.

We both ate fast, and Ryder motioned for the check without even looking at the dessert menu.

“What’s he going to say when he sees the name on your credit card?” I asked, leaning in.

“He’s not going to see a card.” Ryder pulled out his wallet and showed me the bills inside it.

“Put that away, do you want to get robbed?” I hissed at him.

“In here?” He motioned around us. Yeah, okay, so the likelihood of us being robbed in here was slim, but still. You should never wave a bunch of cash around.

The check arrived and Ryder wouldn’t even let me see it. He just gave it a glance, threw in some bills, and held it up.

“Keep the rest,” he said. The waiter thanked him.

“Ready to go, my love?” Ryder said, rising from his seat then stepping over to pull out my chair.

“Yes, I am. Dear.” It sounded ironic when I said it. Or like I was mocking him.

We left the restaurant and headed back to the car.

“Home?” I asked. “I mean, my apartment?”

“As much as I would love to take you home and remove that dress, I’m really craving something.” This was a change from what he’d said earlier.

“Okay, what are you in the mood for?” I asked.

“You’ll see,” he said, and started driving. Okay then.

I was beyond curious, but I didn’t want Ryder to know how much, so I stayed quiet and tried to figure out where we were going. Finally, he pulled the car over and parked next to Gil’s gallery. The lights were off and it was clearly closed.

“Um, Ryder? I don’t think anyone is here,” I said as he got out and then held the door open for me.

“It’s okay,” he said, taking my hand and leading me up the steps. From his pocket, he produced a key. Man, he was really good at getting keys from people.

He unlocked the door then put his hands on my shoulders.

“Okay, close your eyes and wait here. I need a minute.”

I raised my eyebrows at him, but he looked really excited. Man, he’d done a lot of planning when he was supposed to be hanging out with his brother.

“In case you were wondering, I called Gil as soon as I could and asked him for a favor. He left the key with Lucah, and I’m hoping that everything is a go,” he said.

“Okay, okay.” I closed my eyes and listened as his footsteps moved away from me. It didn’t really matter if my eyes were closed, since it was so dark in there with only the light from the outside coming in through the windows.

I heard a lot of weird noises. I was a little worried and very tempted to open my eyes, but I kept them closed until Ryder approached me and took my hands.

“You’re not leading me into a trap, are you?” I asked as I slowly took one step after another.

“Nope. Just a surprise that I think you’re going to like.” I wasn’t so sure about that, but I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.

“As long as you’re not leading me into a room with a video camera that’s streaming live to the internet, or you’re going to chop my head off, I think we’re good,” I said.

He laughed then stopped walking, and I almost crashed into him.

“Okay, open.”

We were in the back of the art gallery, and a lot of the pieces I’d seen in the show had been moved. The corner we were standing in was empty. Well, not exactly empty.

The area had been covered in plastic and giant sheets of paper. An overhead light revealed several buckets of paint and some brushes.

I put two and two together.

“You’re going to ask me to strip and roll around in the paint, aren’t you?” I said.

He beamed.

“Yup. But I’m doing it with you.” He took his jacket off and hung it up on a metal rack I hadn’t noticed at first. Then came his shirt.

“Unless you want to ruin your dress, but I’d rather you not,” he said.

I turned my back to him.

“Unzip me then,” I said, and he did. The dress dropped to the floor. I picked it up and hung it on the rack, and then did the same with my bra and panties. Of course, then I realized the windows were still open to the street, and if someone walked by, they would see everything.

“Uh, Ryder? That’s not exactly part of the plan,” I said, pointing at the windows.

“Shit, I knew I was going to forget something.” He ran to the windows and pulled the blinds down, even though he was mostly naked himself.

When he was done, we took off our shoes then stood next to the paper.

“I can’t say I’ve ever done this before,” I said. But I was more than up for it.

“Well, I wanted to create something with you. Something we could keep that would remind us of this time when we looked at it.”

I liked that.

“So, what color?” he asked me, pointing to the containers of paint.

“Blue,” I said without even thinking. There was a dark blue that reminded me of his eyes.

“You got it,” he said, popping the top off the pan and picking up a roller.

“And what color are you going to do?” I asked.

“Black.” Black and blue. I liked it.

He handed me a roller and opened the black paint as well. Coating each other in the paint was a ton of fun. The stuff was a little cold and tickled when it went on. I was worried about my hair and my skin, but it was special body paint Gil had gotten for a new project.

“He told me about this before I left, so I’ve been thinking about it for a while. If you’re cool with it, he’d love to put this in one of his shows. He’s going to do a lot of other couples and do a whole series on sex.”

“We’ll see. I’m curious to see how it turns out first.”

Ryder spent a lot of time rolling paint on my boobs.

“I think they’re good,” I said.

“Just making sure they’re completely covered,” he said, absolutely serious. I wanted to bop him on the head for that, but I didn’t.

Once we were covered, we stepped on to the paper and lay down on our backs. I wasn’t sure what to do, so I tried to press my skin into the paper as much as I could.

“Okay, now this is the hard part,” Ryder said once we’d been on the paper for a little while. “Getting up.” He rose first then helped me to my feet.

We looked down at the imprint we’d made.

“My ass looks huge,” I said, noting the marks it had made.

“It looks great. As always,” he said. “Want to try again?”

I nodded. Ryder took the giant sheet of paper and spread it out on the floor in the back of the gallery to dry, and got another sheet. We reapplied the paint, which was just as fun as the first time.

This time I went face down and Ryder stayed on his back. He put his arm around me, and I tucked myself into him. Getting up was hard, but the results were really cool. For the third sheet, we smeared the paint all over each other so it mixed, and then rolled on the paper. The effect didn’t look like bodies but was still really cool.

I was laughing, there was paint in my hair, and I’d never been happier.

“I love you so much,” I said. “And you seem so much happier now. You were really dark for a while.”

He hugged me to him, but it didn’t matter since we were both totally covered in the paint.

“I am happy. I’ve learned how to be happy. Thank you for helping me and staying with me, even when I didn’t deserve it.”

Yes, there were times when he hadn’t deserved it, but I was glad I’d stayed. Glad we’d made it to this place. This was the right path for both of us.

“Um, Ryder?”

“Yes, love.”

“Do we have to go home like this?”

He chuckled, and the sound vibrated through his chest. Suddenly, I was very eager to get him home and into bed.

“No, there’s a shower upstairs. Care to join me?”

“Abso-fucking-lutely.”

Monday I had to go back to work, and Inari noticed right away that I was walking strangely.

“So he came home, huh?” she said, handing me my coffee.

“Oh, he came. And came, and came, and came.”

We both laughed.

“Ah, young love,” she said.

Work was business as usual, and I got several offers to stock my lingerie in stores. My life had gone from mediocre to fucking awesome. Ryder came and saw me at lunch to tell me how things were going at the gallery.

“Gil went nuts for the stuff we did the other night.”

I’d given him permission to show them to Gil, and as long as he didn’t put our names on them, he could use them. Oh, and as long as we got to keep them after. I wanted that shit in my apartment.

“Awesome. It was pretty cool. We should do it again.” I loved making art with Ryder. Plus, then we got to shower together afterward.

We hadn’t sat down with Lucah and told him we were Slydering, but it wasn’t a secret that Ryder was spending nights at my house.

“So, do you think we need to have an official conversation about you and me with Lucah?” I said as I ate the sandwich Ryder had brought me from a nearby deli.

“Nah. We’re good. He told me that he was going to stay out of it and it was none of his business now. I guess he realized that his meddling did more harm than good.”

I looked at him, shocked. “Are you serious?”

Ryder nodded. “Yeah. I think he’s really starting to trust me. For the first time in . . . ever. Oh, and I’ve got a new therapist. He’s this guy who’s friends with someone who works in Colorado, actually. He seems pretty chill on the phone, so I’m going to see him tomorrow.” Hearing how upbeat he sounded about going to therapy was beyond reassuring.

“So you’re going to keep going?” I asked, finishing my sandwich.

“Yeah. It’s just something I’m going to need to do, maybe for the rest of my life. It’s like . . . medicine for my sanity. And I don’t care what anyone else thinks about it.” Good. He shouldn’t.

“You could come sometime, if you want. Just to see what it’s like.” He balled up his napkin and put it back in the paper bag his lunch had come in.

“Maybe,” I said. That seemed like an intrusion. But if he wanted me there, I’d be there. Because I loved him.

“You don’t have to. But if you want to, you can.”

“Okay.”

We talked about other stuff, including my love for Ryder’s majestic mountain beard, and then it was back to work for me.

“I’ll miss you,” I said. “That sounds so needy. But I do miss you when you’re not here.”

“Well, I’ll be waiting for you when you get home.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a key.

“Is that my key?” I asked, and he nodded before dropping it back into his coat.

“Yeah. I made a copy last time I had the key. I just never told you.”

Oh, he was so bad.

“You are definitely on the naughty list, R. Blythe,” I said, narrowing my eyes.

“I should hope so. Nice is so overrated.” And before he kissed me goodbye at the studio door he slapped me on the ass.

Ryder Blythe was a dirty gentleman, a disaster, a dream, a joker, a ginger, a bastard, and a romantic. He brought out the best in me. He challenged me and wasn’t afraid to fight me. He was complicated and simple, and strange and familiar. He was everything. He was mine.

All fucking mine.

The Noctalis Chronicles

Nocturnal (Book One)

Nightmare (Book Two)

Neither (Book Three)

Neverend (Book Four)

The Whisper Trilogy

Whisper (Book One)

Fall and Rise

Deeper We Fall (Book One)

Faster We Burn (Book Two)

Slowly We Trust (Book Three)

My Favorite Mistake

My Sweetest Escape

(Available from Harlequin)

Surrendering

Sweet Surrendering

Surrendering to Us

Dark Surrendering

For Real

UnWritten

Wow. What a trial this book was to right. I started it several times, but it never felt “right.” And then I remembered how I really wanted it to start. With Ryder and Sloane in bed, totally hung over.

This book was work. A lot of it. And as such, I have some very important people to thank. My editor, Kara, number one. This was not an easy journey for either of us, but somehow we got here. My publicist, Jessica, who even though was VERY pregnant at the time of writing this book still was emailing me about it. My formatter, Ali, for cutting me a LOT of slack when I kept pushing the due date for this. And YOU for asking “when is Sloane and Ryder’s book coming out?” I really, really hope I did them justice. Their love story isn’t an easy one, and it wasn’t easy to write it, but I know, in the end, it’s worth it.

Chelsea M. Cameron is a YA/NA and Adult New York Times/USA Today Best Selling author from Maine. Lover of things random and ridiculous, Jane Austen/Charlotte and Emily Bronte Fangirl, red velvet cake enthusiast, obsessive tea drinker, vegetarian, former cheerleader and world's worst video gamer. When not writing, she enjoys watching infomercials, singing in the car and tweeting. She has a degree in journalism from the University of Maine, Orono that she promptly abandoned to write about the people in her own head. More often than not, these people turn out to be just as weird as she is.

Find Chelsea online:

@chel_c_cam
chelseamcameron.com

Chelsea M. Cameron (Official Author Page)

Table of Contents

- Cover
- Titlepage
- Copyright
- Chapter One
- Chapter Two
- Chapter Three
- Chapter Four
- Chapter Five
- Chapter Six
- Chapter Seven
- Chapter Eight
- Chapter Nine
- Chapter Ten
- Chapter Eleven
- Chapter Twelve
- Chapter Thirteen
- Chapter Fourteen
- Chapter Fifteen
- Chapter Sixteen
- Chapter Seventeen
- Chapter Eighteen
- Chapter Nineteen
- Chapter Twenty
- Chapter Twenty-One
- Chapter Twenty-Two
- Chapter Twenty-Four
- Chapter Twenty-Five
- Chapter Twenty-Six
- Chapter Twenty-Seven
- Chapter Twenty-Eight
- Chapter Twenty-Nine
- Chapter Thirty
- Chapter Thirty-One
- Chapter Thirty-Two
- Books by Chelsea M. Cameron
- Acknowledgements
- About the Author