Allegiant (The Guardian Trilogy) (Volume 2) by Sara Mack
Author: Sara Mack
Date: 2013-10-04 04:00:00+00:00
Keywords: Paranormal; Paranormal Romance; Fantasy; Romance; Supernatural; Young Adult
Description: Last summer, Emma discovered that true love never dies. It can return. It can give you hope. It can pull you from darkness. Until it’s ripped from you. Again. As her 22nd birthday approaches, Emma Donohue finds herself back at school and utterly alone. Hours away from family and friends, her solitary days are spent contemplating what never should have been. James should never have died, but he did. He should never have been assigned as her Guardian, but he was. And she should never have allowed Dane to get too close to her heart. But she failed. Desperate to fill her time, Emma is intrigued by
Publisher: CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform

The Guardian

Trilogy

The Complete Collection

Guardian ~ Allegiant ~ Reborn

By SARA MACK

Guardian

By SARA MACK

Guardian (Book 1 in The Guardian Trilogy)

Copyright © 2013 Sara Mack

All Rights Reserved

First Kindle Edition: 2013

Cover art by S. Mack & S.M. Koz

Edited by Abbie Gale Lemmon - lemmon.abbie@gmail.com

Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise) without the prior written permission of the above author of this book.

This is a work of fiction.  Names, characters, places, brands, media, and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or used fictitiously.  The author acknowledges the trademarked status and trademark owners of various products listed in this work of fiction, which have been used without permission.  The publication/use of these trademarks is not authorized, associated with, or sponsored by the trademark owners.

Dedicated to

Koz, Aubs, Bree, and Abbie Gale

Thank you for living in my fictional world

Table of Contents

Prologue

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Chapter 23

Chapter 24

Chapter 25

Chapter 26

Chapter 27

Chapter 28

Chapter 29

Chapter 30

Chapter 31

Chapter 32

Chapter 33

Chapter 34

Chapter 35

Prologue

I sit and stare.  My gaze is concentrated on a plant, an orchid.  One single, curved stem holds six fuchsia flowers, each with a white center.  The plant is beautiful.  I allow a small part of my mind to wonder who might have sent it, while the rest of my consciousness blocks the reason why.

Faces blur in and out of my vision, and I hear muffled voices.  They remind me of the old Peanuts cartoons that come on around the holidays, where the adult voices sound garbled.  I know the blurry, muffle-voiced people mean well; they remind me of the “Great Pumpkin” episode in which all Charlie Brown gets trick-or-treating is rocks.  Rocks.  My chest feels full of them.  It’s hard to breathe.

My grandma takes a seat next to me.  I can tell it’s her because she takes my hand in hers and her skin feels like sandpaper.  Grandma Ethel’s skin has always felt this way.  I can sense her getting settled in her chair when something hits my foot.  Instinctively, I reach down to pick up the purse she has dropped.  My concentration on the plant is broken, and I remember why I am here.

A scream rips through my throat.

Chapter 1

I lift my face toward the sun, its brightness illuminating the darkness behind my eyelids.  I have escaped my house and walked to a nearby park with the excuse of needing to get out and enjoy the warmth while it lasts.  Michigan weather is never predictable, so this excuse is accepted.  My hope is that the sun will burn me and redden my skin to replace the sorrow in my heart with physical pain.  A pain that can be relieved and cured.  Something that I know has an end, something I can see healing.

“There you are.”

Squinting, I see the outline of a person walking toward me.  As it gets closer, my eyes focus on my best friend, Shel.

“Your mom told me I’d find you here.”  She produces two bottles of water and offers me one.  “Thirsty?”

I shake my head.

She sits down next to me and opens her bottle.  “It’s warm for this time of year.”

We sit in silence for countless minutes staring at the park.  A family of three plays in the sand by the water, taking advantage of the spontaneous warm weather.  A few people hang out on a shaded picnic table; a jogger runs along the sidewalk.  I play with the grass underneath my fingers as Shel follows my lead and watches what is going on around us.  I’ve known Shel forever, since elementary school, and even she can’t bring up what’s happened.  I suppose for fear of my reaction.  But that’s okay.  I’d rather sit here in silence indefinitely than discuss it.

“So,” she pushes her sunglasses up into her hair.  “When are you going back to school?”

“I’m not,” I turn to look at her.  “I’ll be finishing from home.”

Her brown eyes widen.  “Oh.  Online?”

I nod.  “You heading back this weekend?”

“Saturday.”

“I’m sorry I haven’t been much company.”

“No worries,” she says and lounges back on her elbows.  “I’ll be coming home for the summer; I need a break.”

During our senior year, Shel was selected to attend the University of Michigan on an accelerated scholarship which meant she started her college classes during our last semester of high school.  She’s been attending college longer than anyone I know.  It doesn’t help that she wants to be an M.D.; she’ll never be done with school.

“I talked to Matt yesterday,” she says.  “He told me to tell you he’s thinking about you.  He tried to catch up with you the other day, but…you know…”

I pull my knees to my chest and rest my chin on them.  “Tell him I said hi.”

She nods.  “You know you do have to eat, right?”

Obviously my mother has mentioned my lack of appetite.  “I know.”

“I was told your dinner would be ready in an hour.”

We sit in silence and watch the sun fade.  The small family packs their blanket and leaves, the friends say goodbye and leave the picnic table.  The jogger has long since run off.

“Em?”

“Hmm?”

“Are you going to be okay?” Shel asks quietly.

I can’t answer her.

Rubbing the sleep from my eyes, I check the alarm clock.  10:42 a.m.  Yawning, I stretch and then change position, snuggling into my old bed and familiar smelling sheets.  I don’t think my mom has used a different detergent since I was born.  The smell is comforting.

“Knock, knock,” my dad says as he cracks open my bedroom door.

I pick up my head.  “Hey dad.”

“Mornin’,” he says as he opens the door wide.  “Just checking to see if you’re awake.  Hungry?”

I’m not, but I don’t want to admit it.  For the first time since I’ve been home I notice a significant amount of gray now peppers my father’s brown hair.  Positive I am the cause I answer, “Sure,” even though hunger is a need I haven’t felt in a long time.

His slate blue eyes light up.  “What’ll it be?”

“Cereal is fine.”

“You sure?  I can make pancakes.”

Pancakes are somewhat of my dad’s specialty.  This is how I know he’s hurting for me but can’t express it.  Dad’s pancakes usually only get made for special occasions, like birthdays.  “I guess so, if you want to.”

A smile breaks across his face.  “Coming right up.”

As he closes the door, I sit up slowly and catch a look at myself in the dresser mirror.  I can see why everyone is concerned; I look like shit.  No amount of makeup is going to cover my eye bags.  The puffy, dark shadows look painted on my light skin.  Peeling myself out of bed, I brush my teeth, attempt to tame my hair into a messy ponytail, and then head downstairs to the familiar smell of pancakes.  Unfortunately, the buttery aroma does nothing for my appetite.

“There she is,” my dad smiles at me, spatula in hand.  “Just in time.”

I take a seat at the kitchen island as he slides an “E” shaped pancake onto a waiting plate.  “For you, madam.”

I give him a small smile.  “Where’s the syrup?”

“In the fridge.”

I stand and walk over to the refrigerator, reaching for the handle.  Something catches my eye and I freeze.  I can see the corner of a picture peeking out from behind a calendar.  I slowly lift the paper, preparing myself to be confronted with a stinging memory.  Instead I see Michael and Kate, my older brother and his girlfriend, staring back at me, smiling with their new puppy, Jake.

I open the fridge, grab the syrup, and go back to my “E.”

“Good morning,” I hear my mom come through the door after her morning run.  She smiles at me as she takes off her shoes.  “How’d you sleep?”

“Okay.”

“Good,” she says.  She walks over and plants a kiss on the top of my head.  “I’m happy you’re eating something.”

I nod and take a bite.  I don’t have the heart to tell her it’s more for my dad’s benefit than mine.

“Michael will be over in about a half an hour so we can head out,” she tells my dad.  Turning to me she adds, “Are you sure you don’t want to come?”

I nod.  My parents and brother are heading to my dorm room at Western Michigan to gather my things, since I won’t be returning to the campus until next fall.  “I think it’ll be better if I stay here.”

My mom’s face crinkles and her caramel-colored eyes soften into her worried/I’m so sorry/I don’t know what to do look that I’ve seen a million times over the last week and a half.  I can’t bear to tell her that I’m afraid I will start screaming again if I see all of my memories from the past three years in one place, let alone try to pack them away in a box.

“Well, what will you do all day?” she asks worriedly.

I want to tell her that I won’t off myself, but instead I say, “I’ll be catching up on some reading.  Once I get my laptop back I can start submitting my late assignments.”

This appears to ease her worry.  “All right.  You have our numbers if you need us.  And Mrs. Miller is next door too.”

I nod.

She releases her auburn hair from her low pony, and it falls to her shoulders, thick and mop-like.  “I’m going to shower.  Dale, did you put gas in the truck?”

“Yes, ma’am.”  My dad salutes her with the spatula.

I look down at my plate.  I’ve only managed to eat my “E” into an “L.”  I poke at my alphabetical pancake, not wanting the rest of it.

“Here’s a stack for Michael,” my dad says, setting a plate of pancakes down by me.  My brother is always hungry.  “Coffee’s kicking in,” he winks as he heads to the bathroom.

Now my appetite is really gone.  I sit and poke at my breakfast for a few more minutes before deciding that now is the time to throw it away without anyone seeing me.  I head over to the wastebasket and toss it in.  Even better, I return to the island with the empty plate in an effort to reassure my parents that I’ve eaten and I’m feeling less depressed.

I hear the back door creak open and slam shut.  A moment later a taller version of my father appears in the kitchen.  “Hey Ems.”  My brother walks over and gives me a lopsided one-armed hug.  “Feeling okay today?”

I nod and lean in to his awkward hug.  That’s the extent of his inquiry.  What else can he say?  What do you say to someone who, just days ago, you had to pull off a casket screaming?  He releases me and digs into the stack of pancakes, instinctively knowing they are for him.

“Hey Mike,” my dad says as he reenters the kitchen.  My brother waves his fork at him, mouth full.  Dad eyes my empty plate.  “Want another?  I’ll make you another.”  His hands are busy whisking before I can tell him no.

Soon they are all ready to head out the door to bring my college life back to me in boxes.  I follow my mother and brother to the door, so I can watch them leave.  My dad turns off the stove and pauses to place more breakfast on my plate.  He gives me a quick hug as he passes me.

I make my way back to my seat at the island and look down.  A pancake in the shape of the letter “J” awaits me.  I suck in my breath and turn quickly to look at my father with wide eyes before he steps out the door.  Our gaze locks.

“I miss him too,” he says quietly, closing the door behind him.

Chapter 2

Tears stream down my face too fast for me to keep up with wiping them away.  I just let them fall and drip off my chin into the sink as I attempt to wash the dishes from breakfast; the “J” discarded in the trash with the leftover pancake batter and coffee grounds.

Back in my room I let the sobs loose into my pillow.  Sleep takes me even though I’ve already slept away half the morning.  Memories that I try to suppress while I’m awake keep making appearances in my dreams. This afternoon is no exception.  My subconscious takes me back in time.

I’m looking in the mirror and I have to admit for a change, I like what I see.  The iridescent emerald fabric, which weaves through my black dress, complements my eyes; usually, they are such a freaky shade of green people think I wear contacts.  Tonight, my eyes don’t look out of place against my wavy up-do, formal attire, and made-up face.  I actually went to the salon and had red highlights put in my brown hair to bring out the light auburn that was already there.  It was a very girly act for me; normally, I just stick to the wake up, throw on some jeans, apply a little lip gloss, and go routine.  My reflection turns in the mirror as I study myself.  I’m impressed that my dress makes me look like I actually have a waist and a chest, a far cry from my everyday tomboyish appearance.

James and I are going to the junior prom.  He couldn’t find a date, which I think was a lie, and suggested that we go together because we’re best friends and we shouldn’t miss out on a fun night.  At first I rejected the idea because it would be too weird.  James and I have been friends since elementary school; he, Shel, Matt and I have been inseparable since the fifth grade.  But he wouldn’t let the idea go and I conceded, just as I’m sure he knew I would.  Shel was beyond ecstatic when I told her.  She’s been trying to convince me that he’s been interested in me for awhile, but I keep telling her she’s crazy.  He’s James.  I’m me.  We’re friends.  We hang out.  He’s never said anything or acted any differently around me.  In the weeks leading up to the dance, I reminded her at every opportunity that this wasn’t a real date.

I hear a car pull into the driveway and the door slam.  My stomach leaps into my throat unexpectedly, my nerves taking me by surprise.  To calm myself, I rationalize that it’s just another night out with James.  Just like the countless other times we’ve been to the movies together or done homework or met up after his hockey games…

Sounds like dating to me, my subconscious chimes.  Crap.

“Hey,” I hear my mom at my bedroom door.  “James is here.”

“O-okay,” I say nervously.  “I’ll be right down.”  Checking the mirror one last time, I suddenly feel small despite my 5’6 inch height made two inches taller with heels.  The full skirt of my dress falls just above my knees making my skinny legs look like twigs.  I’m feeling a lot of pressure surrounding this night.  Will my flimsy legs support me?  I play with a few loose strands of hair at my temple and reassure myself that I can do this.  Everything will be back to normal tomorrow.

I head for the stairs and when I make it to the landing before the second set of steps, I peek around the corner.  Everyone is in the living room, including my brother.  The boys are in a discussion, probably sports related.  My mom is playing with the camera.  I’m feeling self-conscious.  I take a deep breath before heading down and catch a good look at my “date.”

Okay, wow.

Is it the tux?  A realization hits me of how good-looking he is.  It’s the same James.  Sandy brown hair, blue eyes, athletic build.  But he looks different somehow.  Have his eyes always been that vivid shade of cerulean blue?  Has his hair always fallen over his forehead that way?  Have his shoulders broadened in the last 24 hours?

My mom catches me peeking at the scene below.  “There she is!” she announces with excitement.  “Come on down; I need pictures!”

In slow, careful steps, I make it to the bottom of the stairs.  My dad comes over to me and smiles, holding me at arm’s length.  “You look beautiful,” he says.

I make a face.  “You’re just happy I’m not in jeans.”

“Go stand by the fireplace with James,” my mom tells me.

My date and I meet in front of her designated picture spot, and our eyes lock for the first time.  “Hi,” he says with a shy smile.

I find myself distracted by the perfect curve of his lips, and all I can manage is a quiet “Hi” in return.  Flashes ensue, lighting up the living room and pulling my attention away from his mouth.  Is it getting hot in here or is it just me?

“’Kay, James put the corsage on Em,” my mom directs.

James fumbles to open the plastic box that contains the flowers, and it slips from his fingers.  I lunge forward to catch it, and we laugh at the awkwardness of the moment.  I relax a bit as I hand the box back to him.  This type of interaction between us is what I’m used to.

Once James pops the box top he sets it aside and slides the corsage over my hand.  The flowers are striking.  “What are these?” I ask, lifting my wrist to smell them.  Three fuchsia blossoms with white centers are complemented by a black ribbon.  They look exotic, almost tropical.

“Um, I don’t know.”  He leans in to me and whispers, “My mother picked them out.”  He looks embarrassed, and I suppress a laugh.

“Look at me, you two,” my mom says.  “Smile.  Put your arm around...okay good.”

More flashes.  I think she’s taking more pictures than necessary just in case my going to a dance never happens again.

As we stand there posing as a real couple my body becomes hyperaware of his proximity.  The pressure of his hand feels warm at the small of my back, and I try to ignore it.  Whatever cologne he’s wearing isn’t helping matters, and I feel the distinct need to put some distance between us.  My senses have turned against me.  This is my friend, James.  That’s it.  That’s all.  He hasn’t even told me I look nice!  I make a mental note to berate Shel later for planting unwelcome thoughts in my head.

After what feels like an eternity, we are allowed to leave.  “Have fun!” my parents wave from the back porch as James helps me into his older model Jeep Wrangler.  It’s cherry red with a black soft top, and he keeps it in pristine condition.  Every time I ride in it I’m impressed with how new it looks.

As we make our way to the high school, free of an audience, I apologize.  “Sorry about all the pictures back there.”

James shakes his head.  “Don’t be.  This is a big moment.”

I roll my eyes.  “How so?  I’m pretty sure dances happen every day.”

“No,” he smiles.  “You look amazing.”

Whoa.  He actually complimented me.  Maybe…?  I push the thought aside and shrug off his words with sarcasm.  “Are you saying I don’t look amazing every day?”

“Basically,” he winks.

And regular, non-complimentary, James returns.  Jerk.

I can’t come up with a witty comeback, so I stare out the window as he drives.  My nervousness seems to have subsided somewhat since he seems to be acting like his normal self.  It’s not that long of a ride to the school and we manage to fill the silence with everyday conversation.  Soon we are headed into the gym decked out for our “Evening of Elegance.”  Seriously, who comes up with these cheesy themes?

Once inside, Shel finds us among the crowd.  “Hey!  You look awesome!” I say.

“Where’s your man?” James asks, scanning the room for her date.

“He went to the bathroom.  I swear he’s got some sort of problem; he already went twice when he picked me up at my house!”

I laugh.  “He’s probably just nervous.  Besides, I told you it was weird to come with Zach.  You barely know him.”

Shel shrugs and smiles.  “I thought ‘why not?’  Even if I don’t have fun at least I got to buy a new dress.”  She twirls in her most recent purchase, a graceful, floor-length gray and white sparkly number.

“Ah, it’s all about the dress, is it?” James asks.  He looks at me, kidding. “Is that why you agreed to come with me?”

“Of course!” I smile sarcastically.  “You know what a slave to fashion I am.”

After some comments from the principal about the fundraising for tonight’s event and thanking all the staff and students for their hard work, as well as some overly spastic comments from our overly perky student council president, we are allowed to enjoy ourselves.  Shel and I leave the boys so we can dance; this is the fun part that we have been waiting for.  After a few fast songs, at the end of the forever classic “I Will Survive,” the music changes to something slow.

“Aw man,” Shel whines as we leave the dance floor.  “I guess I’ll have to dance with Zach.”

“And you thought you wouldn’t have to?” I ask, surprised.

“I don’t see you running to find James,” she accuses.

“I told you!  We’re just friends.”

“Emma,” she says, stopping half way back to the table.  “I’m just going to say it.  You’re delusional.”

“What?  That’s a mean thing to say!  I am not,” I defend myself.

“Whatever,” she says in her snarky tone and rolls her eyes at me.

I follow her over to the table where she grabs Zach for a dance.  Across the room, I notice James hanging out with Matt and some other friends.  Left alone, I decide to sit and wait until the music changes.  I think to myself about Shel and how wrong she is about James being interested in me.  Apparently he doesn’t want to dance or hang out with me.  As I play with the decorations on the table, I admit to myself the thought makes me sad even though it shouldn’t.  Eventually, a couple of friends make their way over and their arrival interrupts my confetti art.

“Can we sit with you?” Olivia asks.

“Of course,” I smile.  “You guys having fun?”

“We were except now our dates have disappeared.  Where’s yours?” Taylor asks me.

I nod over my shoulder.  “Over there somewhere.”

“Ours are probably too,” Olivia sighs then frowns.  “I don’t get it.  What’s the point of coming to a dance if you’re not going to dance?”

“The hope that they’ll get lucky on the way home,” Taylor laughs.

We all smirk and exchange knowing glances.  Somehow the topic of our biology test comes up, so the conversation turns to a speculative debate about which essay option will be the easiest.  In the middle of the discussion, Shel and Zach return to the table.

“What’d I miss?” Shel asks.

“A riveting discussion about the biology test.”

“That’s boring.  C’mon!” she grabs my arm and tows me to the dance floor.

I spend half of the night dancing with Shel, Olivia, and Taylor.  Olivia and Taylor’s dates eventually reappear, but the girls are so mad at their abandonment that they mostly hang out with Shel and me, and take turns dancing with Zach during the slow songs.  Shel doesn’t mind sharing.

“It’s your turn,” Shel says to me.

“My turn for what?”

“To dance with my date.”

I laugh nervously.  “I don’t want to dance with your date.”

“Why not?  He’s enjoying it and it saves me.  Besides, you haven’t danced with anyone tonight other than me.”

“It’s okay, really.”

“No, it’s not okay.  I’m starting to get a little pissed at your friend,” her snarky tone returns.

I know that tone and reassure her.  “Don’t worry about it.  I’m fine.  I’m having fun.  Really!”

She makes a face.  “I’m going to get Zach.”

“No, don’t!”

“You are going to dance at the prom with a boy,” she states defiantly.

“Ugh.  You’re impossible.”

Shel leaves me in the middle of the dance floor, surrounded by couples.  I feel uncomfortable and out of place.  After a minute, Zach appears from the sea of well-dressed horny teenagers.

“I’m sorry,” I say as he puts his hands around my waist and I put my hands on his shoulders.

“It’s not a problem,” he smiles.  “This night is turning out to be pretty good for me.”

“I bet.”  We laugh.

“James isn’t going to be mad, is he?” he asks.

“For dancing with me?  Doubtful.”

“He looks a little upset,” Zach nods over my shoulder.

As we turn I catch a glimpse of James standing to the side of the dance floor.  Yeah, his eyes are burning a hole straight through us.  Great.

We spend the rest of the song in silence looking everywhere but at each other.  It’s incredibly uncomfortable.  Shel is going to get it for putting me in this situation.

“Thanks,” I say to Zach when the song ends.

“No problem.”

We’re headed back to the table when Olivia passes us and swoops up Zach.  I find Shel.  “You are in so much trouble!”

Something grabs Shel’s attention behind me for a moment.  She refocuses on my eyes, whispers “Not now,” and turns away.

“Hey!  I need to…”

I’m cut off by someone grabbing me from behind by my waist, encircling it with a strong arm, and pulling me tight against a body.

“Will you dance with me?” James whispers in my ear.

It takes a moment for me to respond.  This is unexpected and in response my heart flutters.  “S-sure.”

He lets me go, so I can turn around, and then takes my hand.  I look up at him and he’s staring at me intently with his brilliant blue eyes.

When we reach the dance floor, I turn to face him and start to put my hands on his shoulders, but he grabs me tight around my waist, pressing me to him.  I have no choice but to reach up and wrap my arms around his neck.  Even though I’m wearing heels, he’s still taller than me.

“Is this okay?” he asks softly as we start to move in a slow circle.

I turn my head to look at him, our faces only inches apart.  I can’t find any words.

“You look confused,” he says, a small smile playing on his lips.

I nod.

“About this?” he guesses, amused.

I let out a sigh.  “Are you going to tell me what’s going on?”

“See that girl over there?” he nods in the direction behind me.

I crane my neck to the right to see who he’s talking about, but he’s holding me so tightly I can’t move my head much.  All I see is the edge of the mirrored wall behind the dance floor and some random people at tables.  I don’t want to look like an idiot, so I nod yes.

“I’m trying to make her jealous.”

I turn to face him.  “What?”

Before I realize what is happening, his lips are on mine.  I completely tense up.  All kinds of thoughts race through my head – What the hell?  Who is this other girl?  Wait.  James is kissing me?!  Suddenly, my mind registers the actual kiss.  Soft, sweet, and…over.

“Did it work?” I ask quietly.

“Did what work?”

“Does she look jealous?”

“Who?”

“The girl!”

James laughs.  “It’s hard to tell.  She looks like she might be angry.  Maybe I should kiss her again.”

“Wait…what?”  I’m so confused!  I take a step back from him.  “Would you just stop it?  Tell me what’s going on!”

He laughs and turns me around by my shoulders to face the wall behind us.  It’s the mirrored wall behind the dance floor and I stare at our reflections.  “You,” he says, his breath warm on my ear.  “I was talking about you.  You’re the girl.”

Oh.  Oh.

His hands circle my waist, and he turns me around.  My stomach flips beneath his touch as I rest my hands on his arms, noting for the first time how toned they feel through the thin sleeves of his tuxedo shirt.  All that time on the ice must pay off.

“Tell me what you’re thinking,” he asks quietly as we start to move again.

Questions race through my mind, and I can’t pick just one.  “I’m thinking I have a lot of questions.”

“Fire away.”

“Are you going to tell me the truth?”

“Why wouldn’t I?”

“Because I’m not feeling a whole lot of honesty right now.  You’ve barely spoken to me all night!”

James releases a defeated sigh.  “I know.  I’m sorry.  My nerves got the best of me.”

“Nerves?” I ask.

“It’s not every day that you decide to tell your best friend that you have feelings for her.”

I swallow.

“I should have done this sooner.  Much sooner,” he shakes his head.  “Like years ago.”

“Years?” I squeak.

He gives me an incredulous look.  “Really?  How is it possible that you could not know how I feel about you by now?”

I pause to think as we continue to move in a circle.  “You’re my best friend.”

“So?  I can’t be anything else?”

“You’ve always been in my life.  I never considered anything else.  And you never said anything!”

He frowns.  “It never once crossed your mind that I might have feelings for you other than friendship?  You’ve never thought of me in any other way?”

I bite my lip, embarrassed.

“What?”

A blush creeps over my cheeks.  “Tonight.  Getting ready.  It crossed my mind.”

His expression lights up like Times Square.  “Really?”

“Really,” I smile.

He looks relieved.  I think I am too, but inside I feel strange.  I’m excited and worried at the same time.  I’ve never had a serious boyfriend before.  I’ve always known he’s a great guy, but I literally noticed how cute he was only hours ago.  Is it possible I knew how he felt all along but wouldn’t allow myself to process it because we were friends?

As he pulls me close, I decide to dwell on that thought later.  I tuck my head beneath his chin and allow myself to relax into him.  His body feels strong and warm against mine, and I admit it feels really good to be where I am right now.

Eventually the song ends and another fast song starts.  We separate and look at each other.  It’s a little awkward, like we’ve been caught doing something we shouldn’t have or like we’re seeing each other for the first time.  Thankfully Shel is by my side in seconds, pulling me away to dance with her again.  I wave to James as I’m towed away.  He smiles and waves back.

“Tell me!” Shel demands as we dance out of his line of sight.

“You knew about this all along!” I accuse her over the music.

“Knew what?  That he was going to kiss you?  No,” she says matter-of-factly.  “Heck, I didn’t know if you two had been together all along anyway and were just keeping it a secret.”

I lean into her ear, “You saw that?”

“Heck yes!  I think everyone saw that.”

I am horrified.  My first kiss with James and it was on public display?

“So what’s going on?” she asks impatiently.

“He said he has feelings for me.”

“Well, duh.  I think everyone knew that but you.”

My face twists in confusion.

“You never listen to me!  How long have I been telling you this?”  She spins around.  “Like I said earlier, you’re delusional!”

Suddenly nervous, I ask, “What do I do?”

Shel leans in toward me on one of her dance moves and laughs.  “Enjoy it!”

I try to concentrate on dancing with Shel, but my attention keeps wandering back to James.  I catch his eye from across the room, and he gives me an amazing smile that makes my heart beat double time.  I can’t help myself and grin back.  I think about all the years we’ve known each other and what this could mean.

Suddenly, my subconscious propels me forward in time, to about two weeks ago.  It picks up a memory of our argument, at the moment where I yelled, “What does that mean?”

James pins me with hard eyes.  “I’m trying to tell you nothing happened and you won’t accept it!”  He’s pissed.

I’m so angry with him right now.  It’s an unfamiliar emotion around James; we hardly ever fight.  I’m a terrible fighter; instead of yelling I usually end up crying, but on this particular day I was on a roll.  Aggressively I snap, “You expect me to believe that?”

“Yes!”  He looks at me exasperated.  “When have I ever lied to you?”

I give him a wary look that questions his statement.

“So now you think I lie to you?”

I don’t answer.  Instead, I continue to glare at him with my arms crossed.

“Fine!”  He heads for the door then turns around, changing his mind.  “Might I remind you of all I gave up for you?  For us?”

Not this again.  I let out an irritated huff.  “Listen, you know why you came here!”

“Whatever.”  He makes it to the door this time.  He leaves, slamming it behind him.

The door slam sounds so real that it startles me awake.  My eyes instantly blur with fresh tears.  I should never have let him leave.

Chapter 3

When my parents returned home with my things, I unpacked all the essentials – clothes, laptop, iPod – and left one box sealed up tight.  My mother thought it would be best to pack all my pictures and other personal memory-type stuff separately.  I love her for that.

Days later, I stare at the blinking cursor on my laptop screen.  What else is there to say about the law and how it pertains to S corporations?  This assignment is about as dry and boring as they come.  But I continue to plug away at it.  I only have a few remaining course assignments.  It really doesn’t bother me.  The work keeps my hands and my mind busy when I’m awake; my memory, dreams, and tears keep me occupied while I’m asleep.

I hear the back door open and close, and voices start to carry up the stairs.  Thinking it is my brother and Kate, I hit save on my laptop and start to make my way down the stairs so I can pretend to be social.  About two steps down I overhear my mother say “It’s so good to see you,” her tone suggesting that company has stopped by, not family.

“You too, Marlene,” I hear the voice of James’ father.

My stomach instantly turns into knots.  I’m not ready for this.  My pulse starts to pound behind my ears.

“Eric, Carol,” my Dad greets James’ parents as their voices grow louder.  “What can we do for you?”

“Is Emma here?” Mrs. Davis asks, her tone a bit harsh.

My mother responds cautiously.  “She’s upstairs.  Would you like me to get her?”

I know that I cannot go downstairs.  My heart is racing, and I can feel my face starting to get hot.

“Oh no, no,” James’ dad says nervously.  “We’ve just been…” he hesitates as he searches for the right words, “concerned about her since the service.”

“The service was beautiful,” my mother says.  I can picture her extending her hand, offering the Davis’ a seat.  “So many people were there.  Your son was very loved.”

Mrs. Davis unexpectedly snaps, “We know.”

I can feel the electricity in the room change even though I’m on the landing.

Mrs. Davis’ voice is livid.  “Your daughter nearly ruined our son’s memorial!” she hisses.

“Carol!  You said you wouldn’t do this,” Eric pleads with his wife.

An image of my parents regarding each other nervously pops into my head.  “You do know she is devastated, right?” my mother asks, flustered.  I can visualize her wide, incredulous eyes.

“Of course she is.  We all are.”  Mr. Davis’ tone insinuates that he is trying to diffuse the situation and apologize for his wife’s demeanor.

“What my wife is trying to say is that if Emma could have prevented her outburst, she most certainly would have,” my dad explains.

Mrs. Davis doesn’t care.  “Your daughter’s actions disturbed a lot of people,” she spits her words.  “Our family will forever carry that image in their minds.  We are all grieving, and witnessing that outburst on top of what’s already happened didn’t help.  My son’s last moments on this earth are now forever tied to your daughter’s lack of decency!”

I am mortified.  Half of me wants to run away and hide; the other half wants me to run downstairs and apologize.  To make it right.  But I can’t do either.  Instead I lean against the wall for support.

“Why exactly are you here?” my mother demands.  “Are you looking for an apology?  Because you’re not going to get one.  You can’t tell my daughter how to grieve!”

“Okay!” my dad intervenes.  I’m sure he’s placed his hands protectively on my mom’s shoulders by now.  “I think we can all agree that everyone is on edge.  Let’s not make things worse by arguing.”

Mrs. Davis is brusque.  “We want to know what happened.”

“Details,” James’ father adds quietly.

“Details?  Of the accident?” my mother asks, shocked.

I feel my body sliding against the wall until I hit the floor.  I pull my knees to my chest.

“Yes.  We assume you’ve discussed this with Emma.”

“No.  She hasn’t said a word about that night.”

“You haven’t asked her?”

“Whatever for?  So she can relive the pain?  She’s barely eating and speaking as it is!”

I hear Mrs. Davis huff.  “She has to know something; some detail that would let us know what led to this.”

“Carol,” my dad says softly.  “Would any minute detail change reality?  Emma wasn’t even with James that night.  She was in her room.  How could she possibly know much more than us?”

Mrs. Davis’ voice wavers, as if she cannot control her emotions.  “I know that my son is gone.  I know that he spent more time with your daughter than anyone else on this planet.  And I know that she knows something we don’t.”

“That’s impossible,” my mother says with disbelief.

No one says anything for a moment.  Tension hangs heavy in the air; I can feel it all the way up on the landing.  My parents may be retired and in their mid-fifties, but they’re active.  They could take the uppity Davis’.  Eric and Carol are soft.  They play tennis and have a lawn service.

Mr. Davis breaks the silence in a kinder tone.  “We came here to ask you if you would let us know if she mentions anything.  For our peace of mind.”

“Of course,” my dad replies.  “But I’m sure you can understand why we won’t push her.”

My mother has had enough.  “Are you finished?” she snaps.  An image of her standing with her hands on her hips floats up to me, just like she would do when I was in trouble as a child.

Footsteps head toward the door; one set marches with determination.  I can only assume its James’ mother by the clicking of the heels.  I hear Mr. Davis quietly apologize as he leaves.  “I’m sorry.  Things have been…difficult.”

Tears stream down my face in silence.  “I’m so sorry!” my brain screams at them, hoping they will hear it telepathically.  I want to go back to my room and hide but it’s as if my arms and legs have forgotten how to move.  I am a statue, sitting on the floor, hugging my knees to my chest.

I don’t know how long it takes my mother to find me frozen on the landing.

“Oh!  Emma!  What’s wrong?  Are you okay?” she asks panicked, kneeling down to take my face in her hands.

I look through her.  I can barely speak.  “It’s my fault.”

“What?  What’s your fault?”

Silence.

“Honey?  Did you hear our conversation with the Davis’?”

Silence.

“You did, didn’t you?  Damn them.”  She’s angry.  “Listen to me, Emma, they didn’t mean what they said.  They are in mourning.  People say things they normally wouldn’t when they are hurting.  They are trying to make sense of something that doesn’t make sense.”

“It’s my fault.”

“No, sweetie, believe me it’s not.”

My eyes focus on hers.  I find my voice, stronger now, determined.  “It’s my fault!”

“What is?  What is your fault?”

I snap.  “The accident!” I yell.  I yank my head free of her grasp.  “The accident is my fault!”

I land on my stomach, arms in front of me from my attempt to catch myself.  I open my eyes and look around, letting my eyes adjust and trying to catch my breath.  It’s dark.  Night time.  I can feel frost on the grass beneath my fingertips; the cool spring air bites my skin.  I can hear the sounds of passing cars.  I am outside.

I glance around to get my bearings and see it.  The Jeep is off to my right, upside down, the front end crushed against a tree.  The radiator hisses and one back tire spins.  Just beyond the truck is a small embankment; beyond that a two lane highway.  I immediately know where I am.

I start running.  I have to get him out!  But no matter how fast I run, no matter how much adrenaline pumps through my veins, the further the vehicle seems to get.  I can feel my lungs burning as I push my body to move faster.  I start to panic.  Get him out!  My legs are starting to wobble beneath me, turning into Jello.

“NO!” I scream as I fall to the ground, unable to run any farther.  My legs will not cooperate anymore.  I stare at the ground as I grab handful after handful of grass, grabbing and then pulling, grabbing and pulling, my legs dead behind me.  Mercifully, I reach out again and see the Jeep just beyond my reach.  My adrenaline soars as I realize that I’m close.  I manage to get up on my hands and knees and crawl the rest of the way to the truck.

“JAMES!” I scream his name.

I make it to the side of the vehicle and look through the jagged glass where the window used to be.  I see blood.  Gallons of blood.  All over the seats, on the dash, on the windshield, the floorboards – it’s as if the entire inside of the car is made of blood.  I gag at the sight and the smell and cover my nose with my wrist.  James is not inside.  Why can’t I see him?  Where is he?  I know he’s here!

Panicked, I half-walk, half-crawl my way around the Jeep searching for him.  I step in something wet.  Blood is starting to seep out of the truck on to the grass.  It’s as if the truck itself is bleeding.

“JAMES!” I scream over and over, my throat growing raw.  I circle the Jeep again and again, searching.  I cannot find him.  Exhausted, my body threatens to give out on me entirely.

Eventually I collapse, sobbing, next to the bleeding truck.  I cover my face with my hands and realize they are sticky, covered in blood.

“You!” I hear a female voice snarl at me.

I look up and see Mrs. Davis coming from the embankment by the road.  She’s headed straight for me; her face is twisted into a murderous expression.  In accusation.  I am terrified of her but my body will not move.

When she reaches me, she growls, “This is your fault!”

I can only cower.

Her hands wrap around my neck, squeezing and cutting off my air supply.  I choke and sputter and try to rip her hands away but my hands are slippery from the blood and I can’t get a good hold.

“This is your fault!” she continues to yell at me.

“Your fault!”  My lungs are burning.

“Your fault!”  My eyes close.

“Your fault!”  I scratch at her hands as they grow tighter.

“Your…!”

“EMMA!”  I continue to scratch and claw.

“EMMA!  Stop!”

I think I hear my mother’s voice, but it can’t be.  Mrs. Davis is trying to kill me and the Jeep is bleeding!

“Stop!  It’s me!  It’s me!”

I open my eyes and see my mother holding my arms by my wrists trying to stop me from clawing and scratching her.

“It’s me!”

I stop wrestling her, confused.  I press my eyes together tightly and reopen them.  “Mom?” I ask in a scratchy voice.

“Shhh.  It’s me.”  She releases my arms and feels around my forehead.  Worriedly she asks, “Nightmare?”

I feel the pillow beneath my head when I nod and realize I am in bed.

“Here,” she hands me a glass of water from the bedside table, then sets a small pill in my other palm.  “This will help.”

I put the pill in my mouth and she helps me swallow a few sips of water.  I lay my head down and close my eyes.  As I stare into blackness, I try to think of absolutely nothing.  The nightmare felt so real.  I could feel everything, smell everything.  A chill goes through my body as Mrs. Davis’ face reappears in my mind.  Please, I beg myself.  If I dream anymore don’t make it a nightmare.

“I love you Em,” I hear my mom say as the door closes.

My body starts to relax and I wonder what type of pill she gave me.  My mind starts to drift.  No nightmares.  Please.

My subconscious listens to my silent plea and rewards me with a perfect rendition of James’ voice.

Chapter 4

“I love you.”

“What?” I look up at him, confused.

“You heard me.”

James and I are lying together on the couch in his living room.  We were supposed to go out but decided watching a movie was better than riding mountain bikes in the rain, even if it is August and the light shower will cool the mugginess.

I turn my attention back to the movie.  Did he just say what I think he said?

“So?” he prompts.

I manage the lamest response possible.  “So…what?”

“Really?”

I stare up at him stupidly.

He frowns and looks away.

Damn.  I’ve hurt his feelings and I didn’t mean to.  I straighten up so that I’m sitting by his side and face him.  “Hey.”

He’s focused on the movie now, his mouth set in a hard line.

“I’m sorry.”

No response.

“I really am.”

He says nothing.

How do I fix this?  “I just didn’t expect, you know….so soon…” I can’t form a sentence.

He still says nothing.

We sit in silence for countless minutes.  His focus is on the television, mine on my hands that are clenched together in my lap.  There’s an uncomfortable tension between us.  I don’t know what to say, and I don’t want him to be angry with me.  Maybe I should just go.

I unfold my legs and start to leave when suddenly he pounces at me, grabbing both of my shoulders and pushing me on my back against the couch.  My breath comes out in a whoosh.  “Hey!”

He hovers over me on his knees, his hands holding my shoulders against the furniture, pinning me.  I look up at him and he’s smiling like this is the funniest thing ever.

“Caught ya,” he smirks.

“Oh, now you’re speaking to me?”

He laughs.

“It’s not funny!”

He rearranges his face to be serious but his eyes are still laughing.  “You’re right.  It’s not.”

I struggle against the pressure of his hands.  “Let me up.”

“No.”

“Why?”

“Not until you say it.”

“Say what?”

He raises his eyebrows at me.  “Like you don’t know.”

He wants me to say I love him?  I buy time.  “And if I don’t?”

His blue eyes light up at the challenge.  His hands leave my shoulders for a split second and he collects my wrists in one hand, leans over and pins my arms above my head.  “I’ll make you talk,” he says and goes for the most ticklish spot on my body with his free hand – my ribs.

“Stop!  Don’t!” I yelp.  I try to squirm away by twisting my body from my waist but it just gives him easier access to my side.

“Give up?”

“No!”  I laugh and try to move in the other direction.

He continues my torture and I can’t speak through my laughing fit.  I’m laughing so hard I can’t breathe.

“Give up yet?”

“No!”  Tears start to stream down my face.

“How about now?”

“Can’t….breathe…” I gasp.

“I can do this all day,” he teases me.

I feel like I’m going to pee my pants.  “Okay!  Okay!  Stop!  I’ll talk!”

He stops tickling me but doesn’t let go of my wrists.  He leans in so we are nearly nose to nose.   “Well?”

My breath catches.  At first I think it’s because I’m recovering from my hysterics, but the tingles that float over my skin tell me it’s for other reasons.  “Um…”

“Um what?” he grins.

I can’t help it.  That lopsided smile gets me every time.  In one quick motion I lift my head and catch his mouth with mine.  It takes him off guard and lost in the kiss, he releases my wrists.  The thought crosses my mind to use my freed hands to push him away and escape, but my body has other ideas.  One hand wraps around his neck while the other tangles in his hair, holding him in place.  Our kiss deepens and I pull him close, deciding I want to stay here indefinitely.

After a few moments James rests his forehead against mine.  “Nice try.”

“I thought it was nice.”

“Stop trying to distract me.”

“Is it working?” I joke.

He lifts his head to look at me and his face is serious but not angry.  He pushes himself back so he’s sitting at the opposite end of the couch.  He offers his hands and I take them.  He pulls me up so we’re sitting facing each other.

“Maybe I did this the wrong way,” he says, nervously running a hand through his disheveled hair.  His sandy brown locks have turned a little blonde from the summer sun.

I shake my head.  “No, you’re fine, it’s me.  You just caught me by surprise, that’s all.”

He sighs and looks down.  Neither of us knows what to say; it’s uncomfortable for both of us.

I suddenly become interested in picking at my cuticles while my mind races.  I know he loves me; he didn’t have to say it.  But he did.  And I know I love him.  So why can’t I just say it?  Is it because we’ve only been a couple for a few months?  He’s been my best friend since forever.  If I didn’t love him as a boyfriend I would most certainly still love him as a friend but then you don’t randomly tell your friends you love them…

The rambling in my head is cut off when James reaches out and gently lifts my chin so we’re looking at each other.  Staring me straight in the eyes he says, “I love you.  I’m about 99% sure you love me too.  So you don’t have to say it right now.  No pressure.”

Now I want to say it.  To make him feel better.  To make things easier.

“I…”

“Don’t say it just to say it.”

“But I…”

“Emma.”

“Listen!  I...”

“Emma.  Seriously.”

“I am being serious!”  I slap both my hands down on his hard chest in exasperation and lean in to get in his face.  “Listen!  You know it takes me a minute to process things.  I’ll admit I choked earlier.  But I want to say it.  I want you to be 100% sure.  I.  Love.  You.”  I enunciate each word.

He considers this for a moment.  “You’re not just saying it?”

“No.  I mean it.”

His face relaxes.

“You really had doubts?” I ask.

“Well…”

I frown.  “I would think that kiss would’ve made things clear.”

James gives me a sly smile.  “Maybe you should kiss me again just to make sure I get it.”

My eyebrows jump.  “Really?  You think so?”

“I do.”

I pretend to mull it over for a moment and then I smile.  “Nope.  I think you get it just fine.”

He shakes his head.  “I don’t.”

“You do.”  I try to lean away but he wraps his arms around me before I can get very far.

“Honestly, I don’t get it,” he says as he attempts a sad puppy dog pout.

I laugh.  “If you keep that up I may never kiss you again.”

“You will,” he says leaning in to me.

And I do.

“Em, wake up.”

I try to open my eyes, but they feel like weights have been tied to them.

“You’ve got to get up.”

I turn my head in the direction of my father’s voice and try to speak, but my mouth won’t move.  I want to tell him I’m tired and I can’t open my eyes and to leave me alone.

I feel him sit on the bed and gently shake my shoulders.  “Emma?”

I try to open my eyes again.  Why won’t they open?

“She’s been sleeping for hours,” he says to someone.  I can hear the worry in his voice.

“It’s okay Dad,” I want to say.  “I like this sleep.  There are good memories here.”

“She’ll wake up when she’s ready,” my mom says.

“Are you sure you didn’t give her too much?” he asks.

“I only gave her one of the sedatives Dr. Morris prescribed for my insomnia.”

My dad sighs.  “If she doesn’t wake up soon I’m calling the doctor.  I feel like we’re not doing a very good job.  Maybe we should call a professional.”

“Dale, we need to give her some time to work through this.”

“Do you think she needs some friends around?  You know, people she can talk to?”

I think I hear my mom move closer. “I’ll give Shel a call in a few hours.  Maybe she can pay Emma a visit.”

Ah, Shel, I think.  I miss her.

“Come on, let’s leave her be.”

My dad leans over, kisses my forehead, and the smell of Irish Spring soap lingers in the air.  I feel the bed move as he stands, and I hear them leave.  My eyes still feel heavy; will I ever open them again?  Whatever that sedative was, it’s powerful.  Since I can’t open my eyes and fully wake, my thoughts turn to Shel.  Shelby.  The only best friend I have left.

An image pops into my mind and I try to smile at the memory, but my mouth won’t cooperate.  Shel and I are crouched at the end of James’ driveway in the weeds.  It’s hard to contain our giggling.  We’re holding rolls of toilet paper, cans of shaving cream, and a couple bars of soap.  Devil’s Night is a beautiful thing.

“Okay,” she whispers. “You start on the trees down here.  I’ll head up to the cars and start with the cream and the soap.”

I nod.  I watch her creep up the driveway looking like a mugger.  Her black sweatpants and sweater conceal her enviable curves; her ski cap hides her straight brown hair and bangs.  I try to be stealthy in my identical ensemble, and crouch low.  I make it over to the side yard where I throw a roll of toilet paper into a nearly leafless maple tree.  It catches on a branch and unravels as it falls to the ground.  I grab it and toss it back up, grab it and toss it, trying to be speedy.  Once this tree looks full, I move to another one a little farther up the drive and get started.

I can hear Shel pressing the shaving cream out of the cans in between the crunch of fallen leaves beneath my feet.  I glance up the drive and see her methodically covering James’ windshield with shaving cream.  I laugh to myself.  That will serve him right!  Two can play at this game.

Earlier in the day, Shel and I got wind from Zach during school that James and Matt were planning an epic tp-ing event at my house around midnight.  We decided that it would be fun to beat them to it and devised a plan: we’d leave earlier and wreak havoc at James’ house first.  If the boys still carried out their scheme after seeing what we had done, we’d be waiting in the darkness back at my place ready to bust them before they could do any real damage.

I’ve finished with about three trees when I run out of paper.  “Shel!” I whisper-yell to her.

She looks my way.  She’s finished with James’ Jeep and is busy soaping Matt’s pickup.

“I’m out!  I’m going back to the car for more supplies!”

I see her nod.  I creep back down the driveway to Shel’s car, her grandmother’s old tan Lumina, which we’ve parked a little way down the road from the house.  I make it to the car and open the squeaky rear door.  I grab as many rolls of toilet paper as I can and try to shut the door as quietly as possible, although I’m not sure who would hear me out here.

I concentrate on keeping a hold of all the rolls as I creep back up the driveway.  I shouldn’t have grabbed so much.  Back where I left off, I let the rolls fall to the ground except for one and get ready to heave it into the tree.  I take a second and glance over at Shel to see how she’s coming along, but she’s not by Matt’s truck anymore.  Confused, I start looking around the yard to find her.

“Shel!” I whisper as loud as I dare.

No answer.

“Shel!  Where are you?”

Again no answer.  Where could she have gone?  Did I pass her on my way back from the car?  Impossible.  I start to walk toward where I last saw her.  “Shel!”

SMACK!!  Something hits me dead center in the middle of my back.  I whip around to see a tall, wiry blonde running away from me, laughing.  Matt!  I look down and see a cracked egg shell and yolk on the ground.  He’s throwing eggs!

Crap!  We’ve been found out!  I run around James’ truck to duck down and hide.  When I come around the side I get a good look at the front porch and see three cartons of eggs sitting on the ground.  I run over to them, grab as many eggs as I can hold, and run back, ducking low.  I hear footsteps approaching on the other side.  I stand up quickly, turn, and launch an egg.  It connects with my target perfectly – except my target is Shel!

I can’t help but burst out laughing.  “I’m so sorry!” I tell her as she stands there dripping with egg.  I notice she’s holding a couple of eggs too.  She must have found them while soaping.

She starts laughing.  “Come on!  I think they ran around back!”

We pass by the porch and Shel picks up a few more eggs.  “Stupid of them to leave them out like this.”

We head around the back of the house and crouch by the deck.

“Shhh,” I whisper to Shel.

We hear the patio door slide open.  “They’ve got to be out front,” I hear James whisper.  “You head around that way and I’ll go around the other way,” he says.

Shel and I look at each other.  The boys have to come off the deck to go around the house; they will walk right past us.  Shel nods at me and mouths “1…2...3!”

We jump up at the same time and start throwing our eggs.

“Take that!” Shel yells.

“Hey!  Ahhh!”

“Split up!”

James and Matt take off in different directions while trying to block our shots.  James leaps over the railing of the deck and takes off toward the side yard; Matt has no choice but to take the steps and run right past us.

One of my eggs makes perfect contact with his temple.  I bust out into hysterical laughter and shout, “Payback!” then take off running in the opposite direction.

Shel must have followed me because we end up together behind the shed.  “Now what?” I ask her.  “We’re out of ammo.”

“Temporarily,” she says.  She nods to the left and I see the hose reel connected to the side of the house.  “You go and man the hose.  I’ll flush them out.”  She flashes an evil smile.

I nod and take off for the side of the house.  When I reach the hose, I unroll it a bit so I have some slack to work with.  I turn on the faucet, grip the nozzle, and stand pressing my back against the siding.  I whisper to Shel, “Ready!”

Shel takes off around the front of the house.  It’s not long before I hear “There she is!  Get her!”  Running and laughter ensue, headed my direction.  Shel runs past me and shouts, “Now!”

I step away from the house and squeeze the nozzle of the hose as far as it will go.  A concentrated stream of water sprays out and nails James right in the face as he runs up on me.

“Arrggh!”

“Gotcha!” I yell as he sputters and tries to block my shot.  I drop the hose and take off running.  I catch a glimpse of Matt chasing Shel around the side of the house again, so I decide to take off deeper into the back yard.  I hear footsteps behind me, chasing me.  I can’t see any good place to hide and I’m started to get winded.  He’s going to catch me!  I have no idea how far behind he is, so I make a wide turn and attempt to head back near the house when I feel a hand brush against my shoulder trying to grab my shirt.  “AHH!” I scream.

“Come here!” James shouts, laughing.

I keep running toward the house.  Maybe I can make it around the front and hide by the porch to grab more eggs.  I can’t hear James behind me anymore, but it’s highly unlikely that he’s given up.  I’m almost there.  I round the corner of the house to the front yard when, out of nowhere, I’m met with a handful of shaving cream to my face.

“Ahhh!” I yell as I’m knocked off balance.  I recover nicely though and wipe away enough of the foam to see Matt standing there, covered nearly head to toe with the stuff.  Shel’s standing next to him, just as covered.  Both of them are laughing hysterically, gripping their sides.  They must have had one heck of a shaving cream fight with the cream Shel used on James’ windshield.

“Gotcha!” James runs up and surprises me from behind.  He swoops me up with one arm around my waist.  I struggle against him.  “Now what are you going to do?” he laughs.

“Get you with the hose again!”

“Oh no you’re not!”

“Once I get out of here, you’re done!” I tease.

“Not gonna happen!”

I continue to push against his arm, trying to break free.  “Put me down!”

He laughs.

“Hey guys,” Shel calls to us.  “I’m sticky.  And hungry.”

“Same here,” Matt says, shaking shaving cream off his fingers.  “Let’s clean up and get something to eat.”

“Will you behave if I put you down?” James asks me.

“Of course,” I say sweetly.  “But I win.”

“What?  You so did not win.”

“I did too.  You have to admit that was an excellent shot with the hose.”

“I will give you that,” he says as he releases me.  “But you fell right into my trap.  Who do you think told us you’d be coming here tonight?”

“Zach!”

He grins.  “Matt and I were prepared for you all along.  You should have just waited to jump us at your house later.”

“Ugh!”  I punch him in the arm.

He looks up at my handiwork with the toilet paper in the trees.  “What a waste of perfectly good toilet paper,” he snickers.

I pull a glop of egg off his shirt.  “What a waste of perfectly good eggs,” I mimic him and smash the yolk on his cheek, dragging my hand down the side of his face and rubbing it in.

“You are going to pay for that!” he says angrily but his eyes light up.

I start to giggle as I back away from him with my hands held out in front of me.  “What are you going to do?”

“You’d better run,” he threatens.

“I’m not scared of you,” I boast.

In one quick movement he charges at me, grabs the top of my legs, and throws me over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes.  “I warned you!”

“Shelby!  Matt!  Help!” I yell at the ground and kick my legs as he starts to carry me behind the house.  I look over near the porch where they had been standing, but they are gone.  They must have gone inside while we debated who the winner was.

“Where are you taking me?”

“You’ll see.”

We’re coming up on the hose.  “Oh no!  Not the hose!  I’m already enough of a mess as it is!” I yelp.

With me still hoisted over his shoulder, he bends down to make sure the hose is still turned on.  He grabs the nozzle.  “I think you have something on your face,” he laughs.  “Looks like shaving cream.  Let me get that for you.”

“No!  No!  Okay!  You win!” I protest.

“Um, I think it’s too late for that.”  He reaches behind his back with the hand that holds the hose and it points directly at my inverted head.

“Please don’t!” I shield my face with my hands.  This is going to be cold!  I let out a small “eeek!”

He laughs and drops the hose, then puts me down so I’m standing in front of him.  “Do you really think I’d shoot you in the face with a hose?”

I look up at him and shrug.  “Why not?  I shot you in the face with it.”

He grins. “I can take it.”

“You’re not so tough,” I wrap my arms around his waist.  “All talk and no action.”

“No action, eh?” he raises his eyebrows.  He leans down and plants a kiss on me that makes my head spin, then pulls away.  “You taste like shaving cream.  It’s gross.”

“Oh, well thank you.  You have egg all over your face and it’s gross,” I laugh.

Shel’s voice comes from behind us.  “You’re both gross.  Would you get your hands off each other for a second?  What do you want on your pizza?”

Chapter 5

When the sedative wears off enough for me to open my eyes again, it is late afternoon the next day.  I stretch out my body and my muscles protest.  I must have stayed in the same position the whole time.  Ouch.

As I wait for the blood to return to my limbs, I replay the Davis’ visit and how angry they are with me.  My heart hurts.  I wish I was strong enough to have talked to them, to apologize for temporarily losing my sanity.  I didn’t plan for it to happen; I was doing pretty well until I lost my concentration on that blasted plant.  The orchid.  I realize now why I was drawn to it.  The same fuchsia flowers were in my prom corsage.

I get out of bed and shuffle my way to the bathroom.

“Em?  Is that you?” I hear my mom shout up the stairs.

“Yes!”

“Everything okay?”

“Yes!  I’ll be down in a sec.”  I look in the bathroom mirror.  Yikes.  I brush my teeth and then try to comb through the snarls in my hair.  It’s not working very well.  I then realize I’m in the same clothes I wore yesterday and decide a shower is in order.

The hot water feels amazing.  I soap up my hair, pile it on top of my head and let the water pound on the back of my neck.  It relaxes my muscles and reminds me of when James would rub my shoulders when I was stressed.  I could sure use a massage right now.  I try to remove the tension from my shoulders myself, but it’s a lame attempt and does nothing.

“I wish I could do that for you.”

My head snaps up and I jump as if I’ve been electrocuted.  James’ voice is clear as day.

Startled, I glance around the shower.  I swear it sounded like he was right here.  My heart starts to beat faster as I push aside the floral shower curtain, expecting to see him standing there.  I look around the bathroom.  He’s not here, of course.  I pull the curtain back and wrap my arms around myself.  In my drug induced state my mind is playing tricks on me.

Deciding that human interaction is what I need right now, I quickly finish the shower, throw on some cut-off jean shorts and an old WMU tee, and head downstairs.  As I do, I twist my wet hair into a low knot.

I find my mom curled on our suede beige couch reading.  She looks up from The Flint Journal.  “Feeling better?”

“I think I’m still a little groggy,” I tell her.  And I’m hearing voices, my mind adds.

She frowns.  “Apparently you needed some extra rest.”

I shrug.  “Maybe.  I’m going to get something to eat.  That will probably help.”

“There’s Chinese in the refrigerator.  Your dad got take out.”

I nod and head to the kitchen.  Inside the fridge I find a carton of almond chicken and a carton of fried rice.  I set about plating it then place it in the microwave.

My mom enters the kitchen.  “So…”

I look at her.  “So?”

“We need to talk.”  She takes a seat on a stool at the island.

I return my attention to the microwave, enter the time, and press start.  “About?”

“Well, for starters, I talked to Shel.”

I turn around and lean against the stove.

“Your dad and I think you need someone around who you can talk to, a friend to hang out with,” she says.  “It might make you feel better.”

“Haven’t I released enough emotion?” I ask sarcastically, referring to my recent meltdown.  I never thought I was capable of screaming the way I did at the funeral home.

She shrugs.  “Maybe, maybe not.”

I take in her pensive expression.  “Listen, I’m sorry.  I’m sorry for breaking down at the funeral and for yelling at you the other night.  I didn’t mean it.”

“You don’t have to apologize,” she leans one arm against the granite countertop.  “I can’t tell you how angry I am with that witch Carol Davis for making you feel like you should be ashamed.  What she said was uncalled for.  You can erupt anyway you please.”

Am I a volcano?  I could be Mt. Vesuvius.  I think of my bloody dream and fighting off my mother.  Nothing like that has ever happened before.

“You need to release your feelings; it’s not healthy to keep them trapped inside,” my mom says.  “I’ve only seen you cry twice since this happened.”

I study the floor next to the stove and direct my words to the wood instead of her compassionate face.  “I’ve cried more than you know.”

My mom sighs.  “Your father and I don’t want you to feel like you can’t express your feelings.  You don’t have to hide them.  That might be why you had that nightmare.  Shel agrees with me.”

“So Shel is a psychologist now?” I smirk.  “What happened to becoming an M.D.?”

“Look,” my mother sets her palms against the counter.  “Your father and I are worried.  We know things will get better with time, but recent events…” she trails off.   “We’re concerned as any parents would be.  You sleep all the time.  You haven’t left the house.  You haven’t talked to your friends.  You’re not eating…”

I point toward the microwave.  “I’m eating.”

Her eyes soften. “Not regularly.”  She hesitates.  “You haven’t unpacked anything we brought home from school except your computer.  Em, when’s the last time you said James’ name?”

Where is she going with this?  “It’s only been two weeks,” I whisper.

“Honey, it’s been a month.”

The realization startles me.  The microwave beeps, but I don’t move to collect my food.  What little appetite I had is gone.  Has that much time really passed?

“You’re becoming a shell of yourself,” she says and stands.  She walks around the island and stops in front of me.  “That’s why Shel is coming to stay for a few weeks.  Longer if necessary.”

I snap to.  “No!  Mom.  I think she’s taking spring classes.  I don’t want to inconvenience her.”

“It’s been worked out,” she says and rubs my arm.  “There is no inconvenience.  Besides, Shel wants to help.”

I stare at her.  The last thing I want to do is expose Shel to my depression, if that’s what this is.  Am I depressed?  Or going nuts?  A month of my life has disappeared, and I just heard James’ voice in the shower.

My mother places her hands on my shoulders.  “I want you to know this is the first step.  If we don’t see some of the old Emma back by the end of the summer, your dad and I will look into therapy.”

It’s one thing to question my own sanity.  It’s quite another to have my parents and best friend do so behind my back.  “Why?”  My expression twists.  “I’m not losing it!  I’m not crazy!”

I think.

“I didn’t say you were,” my mom remains calm.  “But, we need to find a way to cope with this.  James was part of our family.  He’s been hanging around this house since you two were ten.  It would help us all…your dad, me, even Mike, to talk about him.”

“So what’s stopping you?  Reminisce all you want.”  I need to check my harsh tone.  I know my parents only want what’s best for me.

“The last time anyone mentioned James, other than right now in this moment, you went into some sort of trance,” her kind eyes narrow.  “Do you remember what happened after the Davis’ left?”

I look away from her as I think back.  Things are blurry, probably due to the pill she gave me after my nightmare.  “You found me on the stairs.  Then I went to bed.”

Her voice wavers.  “Dad had to carry you to bed.  You wouldn’t move; it was like your muscles were locked.  Sweetie, you kept saying the accident was your fault.  Why would you say that?  How could you think that?  You cried yourself to sleep.”

My eyes sting and I slam them shut to prevent the tears from falling.  It doesn’t work and a few drops tumble down my cheek.  I can’t tell her why I’m the reason James is no longer with us.  It’s too painful.

Her fingers leave my shoulders, brush beneath my eyes, and smear my tears.  There’s no way she can catch them all and they continue to fall and roll down my face.  She gives up and wraps me in a warm hug instead.

“James fell asleep at the wheel,” she says softly, yet holds me tight.  “There’s nothing you could have done.”

That’s not true.  There’s one thing I could have done.  One thing I should have done.

My mom allows me to cry against her.  She doesn’t ask questions.  She doesn’t press the therapy issue or talk about Shel’s upcoming stay.  She just holds me and strokes my hair like I’m a little girl again.

Once I calmed down and took two, maybe three, bites of almond chicken, I spent the rest of the evening watching television with my parents.  We started with the six o’clock news then changed to the History Channel, where we were sucked into a marathon of Pawn Stars.  Chumlee cracks me up.  Well, he typically does.  Due to my somber mood, he just made me smirk a lot.

My dad yawns.  “Well, I’m ready for bed.”  We lost mom for the night about an hour ago.  He turns to me, his body half hanging off the recliner.  “Are you heading up?”

I don’t feel sleepy at all.  “No, I think I’ll stay and watch something else.”

“Not tired?”

I shake my head.

My dad’s mouth quirks up.  “Imagine that.  A good doping will do that to you.”

I roll my eyes.  He doesn’t like that my mom gave me a sedative that knocked me out for half a day.  The two of them ended up having breakfast for dinner and before he cracked each egg he’d hold it up and say, “This is your brain.”  Then he’d crack the egg into the pan and say, “This is your brain on drugs,” as it sizzled.  Then he’d leer at mom.  “Any questions?”  I guess it’s an old 80’s commercial.  After the sixth time he said the slogan, she snapped him with the dish towel.

My dad pats my head as he passes me.  “Good night, Em Bug.”

I stare after him in surprise.  I can’t remember that last time he called me that.  “’Night.”

When he disappears up the stairs, I start to flip through the channels.  Infomercial, infomercial, Jersey Shore, HGTV, infomercial.  As I continue, there’s really nothing on I want to watch.  I mute the TV and stretch.  What to do?  There’s a book I was in the middle of reading before I came home.  I head upstairs and grab it, along with my pillow to make me a cozy reading space on the couch.  I get a bottle of water from the fridge and settle into my little nest to pick up in the middle of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.  I’ve missed Lisbeth Salander; she’s definitely kick-ass, something I am completely unfamiliar with.

I find my bookmark, open the book, and start scanning the paragraphs to figure out where I left off.  I bend the spine back and forth and settle in to read when a piece of folded notebook paper falls out from between the front cover and first page.

What’s this?  I close the book and unfold the paper.

Em –

Things have been crazy busy lately so I wanted to go old school and put it on paper (this way you can keep it forever) and tell you I love you more than you know.

More than the sun

More than the stars

More than breathing

More than life itself.

Until the end of forever,

James

My throat tightens and my chest feels hollow.

I wish I had found his note sooner, when I could have told him I felt the same.  I would give anything just to be able to tell him again that I love him.  To hold him in my arms, kiss his crooked smile, and run my fingers through his hair.  To tease him about drinking too much Red Bull because he stayed up late watching a game or admonish him for not doing his laundry.  Lately we’d been making plans for our senior year and beyond; we’d requested an off-campus apartment for housing in the fall.  The goal was to live together, graduate together, and start our future together.

I lay my head down in my reading nest and hold the paper close to my heart.  You would think there wouldn’t be any tears left, but they spill silently down my face.  With my book forgotten and my pillow soaked, I clutch the note to my chest and repeat the same thing over and over in my head, trying to lure sleep into taking me.

I love you.  I miss you.  Until the end of forever.

I open my eyes and groan.  “Oh man.”

“Nice to see you too.”  Shel is sitting across from me in the chair with her arms and legs crossed, her big brown eyes trained on me.  I imagine she has been impatiently waiting for me to wake up.  The ends of her light brown hair have been colored a fiery red and her blunt-cut bangs remind me of Zooey Deschanel.  She uncrosses her arms and leans forward, resting her chin on her hands.

“How long have you been here?” I ask, burying my face back in the pillow.

“About an hour.”

I pick up my head and look at her.  “I planned to be dressed when you got here so you wouldn’t think I was totally crazy.”

“I don’t think you’re totally crazy,” she smiles.  “I think you’re just a little crazy.”

I sit up and roll my eyes.  “Thanks.”  Looking around the room, I ask, “Where is everybody?”

“Your parents went to Home Depot.  I guess they have some big yard work plans today.”

“Yeah, they’ve been itching to get the garden in.  Where’s your stuff?”

“Your mom got me settled in Mike’s old room pretty quickly,” she chuckles.  “Your parents seem pretty excited that I’m here.”

“They are,” I agree.

“Are you okay with my being here?”

I pause for a second and give her a small smile.  “Of course I am, but it is a little embarrassing.  I wish they’d waited until the summer to bother you, when you had planned to be home.  I don’t want this to screw with your classes…”

“It’s not a bother.  My school won’t be screwed up.  You do remember who you’re talking to right?  Captain OCD?”

I laugh and nod.  “Yeah, you are a little overly organized.”  I stretch.  “I guess I should get dressed.”  I pull off the blanket that someone put over me and stand.  The note I found the night before falls to the floor.  I bend down quickly and pick it up.

“What’s that?” Shel asks.

I want to say it’s nothing because that would be easiest.  Instead I look down at the note in my hands and hold it out to her.  If she’s here to help me get through this, why not start now?

Shel gives me a confused look as she stands and takes the paper.  As she reads it, her eyes get wide and then she looks at me.

“It was in my book,” I explain as I gesture to Dragon Tattoo on the coffee table.  “He must have put it there sometime…anyway, I just found it last night.”

Shel looks hurt for me.  Her face crumples and she takes a few steps, wrapping me in a hug.  I’m surprised by her action; she’s not usually one for anything touchy-feely.  It takes me a minute to pat her on the back reassuringly.

“It’s okay.  I don’t typically sleep with things from my dead boyfriend.  I just happened to find it last night,” I try to explain so she doesn’t think I’ve completely lost it.

She abruptly lets me go and steps back.  She hands me the note and says, “You keep this in a safe place.  So you can look at it whenever you feel the need.  Sleep with it if you have to.  Do you want me to laminate it?”

“What?”

“Laminate it.  So it stays nice and doesn’t tear.”

“No,” I shake my head.  “You think I should continue to sleep with this?”  I was going to slide it under the flap of the still-sealed box of pictures and memory-type stuff from my dorm.

“If it makes you feel better.  If it makes you feel closer to James.”

I hadn’t thought about that.

“What does make you feel better?  Anything?” she asks.

There is one thing.  “Not talking about it,” I say matter-of-factly.

She makes a face.  “You mean not dealing with it.”  She crosses her arms.

“Shel, I can’t sit here all day and just bring up random –”

She shakes her head adamantly, cutting me off.  “That’s not what I meant.  You don’t have to talk about him all day, every day.  But think about what he would want.  Would he want to see you sink into a depression?  Seclude yourself?  Starve?”

Of course he wouldn’t want that.  “I don’t think that’s what is happening.  I don’t think I’m depressed.  I’m just…really sad.”

“Hmmm.”  She pauses for a moment, squints her eyes and tilts her head as if evaluating me.  “I think you’ll be all right.”

“Gee, thanks doctor.”

She smiles.  “Sorry.  I was thinking about what your mom told me when she called.”

“What did she say to make you drop everything and come to my rescue?  I’m starting to worry.”

Shel reaches for my elbow.  “I’ll tell you while you get dressed.  I don’t want your parents to come home and find you in your pink pj’s and fuzzy socks.  It’s noon.  They’ll fire me.”

My best friend leads me upstairs where she sits on the bed as I go to my dresser and place James’ note in my top drawer, tucking it under my socks.  “Be right back,” I tell her and head to the bathroom.  I quickly brush my teeth and almost expect to hear James’ voice.  But I don’t.

“So,” I ask Shel when I return to my room.  “What’d my mom tell you?”

She sighs.  “Don’t be mad.  I think your parents are just really worried.”

“Dude, you’re scaring me.”  I take a cue from Shel’s attire and pull some jeans and a black tank top from my dresser.

“She said you were sleeping all the time.  That it was next to impossible to wake you up.  She told me that when you are awake, you’re robotic, like not really there.”

I concede that evaluation and nod as I dress.

“You’re still not eating…”

Again with the food?  I pull my top over my head.  “I eat!  I mean, not like normal, but more than the last time I saw you.”

“Okay.”  Shel lets that one slide.  “She said you have bad dreams.  Nightmares.  She said you attacked her.”

My face flushes red in embarrassment.

“What was the nightmare?” she asks, concerned.  “I don’t remember you ever having those, even as a kid.”

I take a deep breath and sit next to her on the bed.  “I dreamt of the accident.  I was there, but couldn’t find...him.  I saw the Jeep and tons of blood; it felt so real.  I could sense everything, even smell it.  I was screaming for him, and I was so weak and tired.  Then his mother was there, strangling me, choking me, and yelling that it was my fault.  I was fighting her off when in reality it was my mom trying to wake me from the dream.”

Shel’s eyes are wide.  “What do you think brought that on?”

“The Davis’ paid my parents a visit.  I overheard their conversation.”

“And?”

“They are upset with me and the way I acted at the funeral.  Their family was offended.”

Shel’s face twists in disbelief.  “Are you serious?”

I look down, ashamed.

“What did they want you to do?  Sing and dance like everything is fine?”

My eyes burn with tears as I remember my breakdown.  I try to blink them away.

“Em, you shouldn’t feel bad about what happened.  That’s what funerals are for; for people to grieve and say goodbye and get upset…”

“Shel.”  I stop her and close my eyes.  “You were there,” my voice shakes.  “You heard me screaming…saw me crying...”

My chest tightens.  I remember the feel of plastic against my back as I slid from the chair.  I remember how rough the carpet felt as I crawled across the floor on my hands and knees.  I remember trying to stand and my legs failing me; my hands reaching to grasp the casket, but sliding off the varnished wood.  I remember trying again and again only to have my father and my brother grab ahold of me to pull me back.  I struggled with them; pushed them away as my fingers finally found purchase on the shiny wood.  I remember gripping it as tight as humanly possible and feeling my brother try to pry my fingers off as my father held me around my waist and pulled me back.  All the while I was screaming, “No!  Let me be with him!”

Tears run freely down my face as I open my eyes and look at Shel and choke out, “I wanted to be…I tried to crawl in…I wanted to be inside with him!”  I cover my face and sob into my hands.  “How sick is that?”

After a moment Shel gently pulls my hands from my face.  Tears make silent tracks down her cheeks too.  She smiles weakly.  “I don’t think that’s sick at all.  Now, eating strawberries dipped in ketchup, that’s sick.”

I stare at her stupidly for a moment and then a laugh escapes.  I quickly slap my hand over my mouth, and she starts to laugh too.  The laughter is contagious and, before we know it, we can’t stop.  We lay on the bed convulsing in a fit of hysterical giggles and grief.

“I’d forgotten about that!” I tell her when my laughter subsides enough so I can breathe.

“It was so gross!  But it won me $10 didn’t it?” Shel says, wiping the tears from her face.  “I still have to repay Matt for that dare.”

“How many years has it been?  Like five?”

“Probably.  But some things you never forget!”

We lie on the bed and stare at the ceiling while our breathing returns to normal.  As I wipe away my tears, I turn my head to face her.  As much as I don’t want to admit it, it feels good to laugh.  “I’m glad you’re here,” I smile.

“Me too,” she smiles back at me.

Chapter 6

James makes an appearance in my dreams again.  I’m starting to get used to this.  In fact it’s becoming a comfort.  I can count on my subconscious to replay memories I haven’t thought of in years, almost as if there is a movie library in my head and my mind selects which film to play each time I sleep.

“I love you,” James says to me.

“I love you too.”

“No, like really love you.”

“I know.”

“No.  Like seriously forever love you.”

I look up from my book and stare at him.  We’re supposed to be studying for our world history final.  Two more weeks of high school and then we’re done.  Officially graduated.  I smile and lean forward to kiss him.

“I know.”

He kisses me back, but something feels off.

“Okay,” I close my book and scoot closer to him on the floor.  “What’s up?”

“What do you mean?”

“Something’s bothering you.”

“Nothing’s bothering…”

I give him my “Don’t lie to me” look.

He rolls from his side to his back and covers his face with his hands.  “I can’t tell you.”

“Of course you can.”

“I can’t.”

“You can.”

He shakes his head.

What could it be?  I start to get nervous.  “So you’re just going to lie there?”

He sighs, moves his hands to rest on his stomach, and turns his head toward me.  “I got the letter from Ferris.”

“And?”

“They offered me a full ride to play on the team.”

I zone out for a minute and then shake my head to clear it.  “That’s amazing!”

“No, it’s not.”

“It is!”

James props himself up on his elbow.  “This wasn’t the plan.”

“Well, no,” I say.  “But you can’t turn it down.  It’s an opportunity of a lifetime!”

He reaches out and pulls me against him, so I’m lying beside him with my head resting on his chest.  He wraps his arms around me.  “We won’t be together.”

Ferris State University had expressed interest in James this past hockey season and we’ve been anxiously awaiting this news.  In the meantime, we applied to other schools and Western Michigan has accepted us both.  I received a partial scholarship as well, which made WMU a permanent part of my future.  Since it appeared Ferris was dragging their feet, James was making plans to become a Bronco in the fall with me.

“But we’ll be close,” I say.  “It’s just under a two hour’s drive from Kalamazoo to Big Rapids.”

“Been doing some research, have we?”

I shrug.  “Maybe.  Just in case.”  I lift my head to look at him.  “Your parents must be ecstatic.”

“That’s an understatement,” he crookedly smiles.

“I’m proud of you.”

He lifts his head and kisses me.  “I’m going to miss you.”

I sigh.  “I guess we’ll have to make the most of our summer.”

His smile fades, and my eyes search his face.  “What is it?”

“They want me to help with the kid’s summer hockey camp.  I have to leave in three weeks.”

I can’t hide my disappointment and my expression wilts.  “Really?”

He nods.

I place my head on his chest again so he can’t see my face if my emotions decide to betray me.

“I’m sorry,” he murmurs.

“Don’t be,” I tell him, but my voice wavers.  “It is what it is.”

“You know I hate that saying.”

I chuckle.  “I know.”

“Listen,” he sits upright and takes me with him so we’re sitting facing each other.  “I don’t have to do this.  We have everything worked out for Western.”

Inside I want that.  Bad.  I want to be selfish and tell him ‘Okay!  Tell Ferris they can kiss it!’  But my rational side wins out.  “Don’t be ridiculous!  Your parents would murder you if you turned this down.  No way.  You’re going to Ferris.”

He takes my hand and stares at it, then runs his thumb lightly across my knuckles.  “I feel bad.”

I shake my head.  “Don’t.  We’ll work it out.  I have a car, you have a car, there’s this modern technology called a phone.  We’ll be fine.”

He gives me a worried look and reaches out to push my hair behind my ear.  “What if you find someone else?”

His question takes me by surprise.  That’s what he’s worried about?  “That won’t happen,” I squeeze his hand in reassurance.  “What about you?  What if you find someone else?”

“Not possible,” he says without hesitation.

“How can you be so sure?” I ask him playfully.  “There must be plenty of sexy blonde coeds throwing themselves at the star athletes.”

He grins.  “Well, if you put it that way…”

“Ugh!”  I drop his hand in mock disgust.

He laughs, reaching for me. “You know I prefer brunettes!  Come here.”

I cross my arms defiantly.  “Why?”

“Just come here!”

I eye him warily and take his hands.  He pulls me into his lap and presses me to him, my head resting on his shoulder.

“You know I love only you,” he says.  His voice is low; like it’s caught in his throat.

I think about that for a second.  “Why?” I ask.  “Why do you love me?”

I can feel his breath catch.  “Because you’re mine,” he replies softly.

A warm feeling spreads through my chest.  I love being his.  “That’s all?” I tease.

He lets out a nervous laugh. “No.  It’s just hard to put into words.”

“Try,” I say, curious.  I’ve never asked for a detailed list of why he loves Emma Donohue before.

He squeezes me tighter to him.  “I feel…I don’t know…better when I’m with you.  If we’re apart, I can barely wait to be with you again.  When we’re together it feels right.  It doesn’t matter what we’re doing, it feels natural…like I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.  There’s nothing false about us or between us.  Does that make any sense?”

I nod into his chest.  It makes complete sense.  “Thank you,” I whisper.

“Are you upset?”  He sounds worried.  “Did I say something wrong?”

“No; your words were perfect.”  In fact, I’m trying not to cry.  His feelings mirror my own.

“Are you sure?”  He lifts my chin, so he can look me in the eye.

A tear escapes, and I quickly wipe it away.  “Yes.  I think you may have melted my heart.”

He gives me a soft smile.  “I’d like to tell you one more thing, if your heart can take it.”

“What’s that?”

He stares at me intently, as if his eyes can see right through me.  “You are absolutely beautiful.”

The intensity in his stare makes me forget how to breathe.  His hand, still lifting my chin, pulls my face toward his, and his mouth literally crushes mine.  I let out a squeak of surprise.  This is not his typical kiss.

My reaction makes him smile against my lips, but it doesn’t stop him from kissing me.  Instead, his hand leaves my chin and finds its way to the nape of my neck, sliding up into my hair to hold me in place.  As his mouth molds to mine, I set my hands flat against his chest; I can feel his heart pounding through his shirt.  His lips move and trail along my jaw as his free hand glides around my waist and finds the exposed skin at the small of my back.  He flexes his fingers, pressing them into me, and a wave of electricity slides up my spine.  His other hand moves from my hair and gathers it, pulling it to the side.  A moment later I feel his breath under my ear, and I flinch.  He laughs as he kisses me, knowing that sensitive spot.  He always teases me there, on purpose, to make me jump.

Despite the fact that I’m sitting sideways in his lap, I want to be closer.  I grip his shoulders and pull myself forward, freeing a leg to adjust my position.  His lips disappear from my skin.

“What are you doing?” he whispers.

“Moving,” I smile and face him head on, wrapping one leg around his waist, and then the other.  He curls his hands under my knees and pulls me forward so our bodies meet.  I wind my fingers into his hair and pull his mouth to mine again.  His grip tightens around my knees then skims up my legs to slide beneath my backside.  He pulls his mouth away from mine and finds my ear.

“We have to stop hanging out when your parents are home.”

His kisses sear down my neck, and I lean into him.  “That’s kind of impossible.  We’d never see each other.”

We hear the door knob rattle at the same time.  It’s like we’ve been stung, and we spring apart.  I scramble to pick up my history book and open it to bury my face in any page.

“Um…hey guys,” my mother says cautiously from the doorway.

I barely look up over the top of my book.  My face feels like it’s on fire; I know its flaming red.

“Hey Mrs. Donohue,” James says nonchalantly.  I steal a sideways glance; he’s laying on the floor, propped up on his elbow, a notebook in front of him.  He flashes her an innocent smile.

“Just putting laundry away,” she says as she enters my room with the basket.  She heads to the bed and sets down a stack of folded clothes.  I keep my face buried in my book.

As she leaves, she stops just outside the door and turns.  “It’s stuffy in here, don’t you think?  This door should probably stay open,” she says as she swings it wide.

I glance up at her again.  She gives me a knowing look with her eyebrows raised.  My ears feel hot, and I quickly look back down.

“Whatever you say Mrs. D,” James says.  It sounds like he’s smiling.

After she walks away, I slam the book shut and look at him.  “You know there’s a parental talk in my future, right?”

He bursts out laughing.

“It’s not funny!”

He grins.  “Your face is fifty shades of red.”  He sits up and starts to move over to sit next to me.  I give him a dirty look.

“What?” he asks innocently.

“You can’t sit next to me if you won’t keep your hands to yourself.”

He cocks an eyebrow.  “As I recall, you’re the one who wrapped yourself around me.”

I roll my eyes.  “You started it.”

He smiles and settles next to my side.  I open my book again and attempt to find where I left off.  After a minute or two James says, “Well, there’s one good thing about my leaving for college so soon.”

I look up at him.  “What’s that?”

He winks at me.  “My dorm room.”

“We need summer jobs,” Shel says as she leans over the paper, perusing the want ads.  “You need a routine and the money wouldn’t hurt.”

“Anything look good?” I ask while trying to show interest in my scrambled eggs.  I’m exhausted.  The memory from last night woke me, and I couldn’t go back to sleep for hours.  I try to hide my smirk behind a fork full of eggs as I recall the dream and the “talk” that took place after James left that day.  My mother insisted I get on birth control pills.  I didn’t refuse.

“Not really.  We should look online after breakfast,” she suggests.

“Mornin’ ladies,” my dad greets us as he enters the kitchen.  “Got any plans for today?”  He pours himself some coffee.

Shel says, “Job hunting,” as I say, “Not really.”

He smiles.  “I see.”  He takes a sip from the mug.  “Whip her into shape, would ya Shel?”

“I’m on it,” she says and gives him a conspiratorial look.

He starts to leave the kitchen, then stops and turns back.  “You know, when your mom and I were in town yesterday I saw a flyer at the grocery.  Bay Woods is looking for summer help.”

“What’s Bay Woods?” Shel asks.

“Golf course,” I respond.

“Hmmm.  We’ll have to check that out,” Shel says.  “Thanks Mr. Donohue.”

He tips an invisible hat to us and leaves through the back door.

“All right,” Shel finishes her orange juice.  “We should head out by 10.”

I look at the clock.  It’s 9:30.  “Geez.  Why are you in such a rush?”

“Speed of business.  Finish up,” she gestures to my uneaten eggs.  “I’m going upstairs to get ready.”  She walks to the sink, rinses her dishes, and puts them in the dishwasher.  She glances back at me.  I haven’t budged.

“Make a move!” she chastises me.  As she heads upstairs she yells back, “Today is a new day!”

Ugh.  I have never been a morning person.  When she came in and woke me up this morning around nine I about slugged her.

I take a bite and swallow it down.  The eggs have gone cold.  Ew.  I get up and scrape them into the garbage, rinse my plate, and stow it in the dishwasher.  I take a moment and stare out the window over the sink.  The sun is shining, and I notice two white butterflies dancing around the lilacs.  My gaze moves to the birdfeeder, where a Blue Jay and a sparrow are vying for seeds.  Our neighbor, Mr. Miller, is already out and working in his garden.  I notice our flower beds need weeding; maybe I’ll offer to help my mom after we get back.

“EMMA!” Shel yells down the stairs.  “COME ON!”

I close my eyes and beg karma for forgiveness as I silently curse Shel’s name.  Would it kill her to chill for a second?  I slowly turn and shuffle toward the stairs.

Chapter 7

After my dad’s suggestion of the golf course, Shel decided to skip the online job search for now and head there first.  After we investigate that lead, her plan is to go back through town and see what jobs might be available there.

“As long as we agree not to apply at McDonald’s,” I say when we’re in the car.  “I would like to avoid fast food if at all possible.”

“Agreed.”  She adjusts the rearview mirror of my white Grand Am.  “Why am I driving your car again?”

“My dad says it needs to be driven.  It’s been sitting in the driveway since I came home last month.”  It feels odd to sit in my car.  It almost smells musty from lack of use.

“Ah,” Shel nods in understanding.

I direct her to the golf course, which isn’t too far outside of town.  We follow the long, tree lined drive until we spot the sign for the main office.  “Didn’t this place used to be something else?” she asks as we park outside the pro shop.

“No, I think they just changed the name.  New owners or something.”

We walk into the pro shop and I glance around.  Polo shirts precisely hang on racks, golf shoes line the back wall, and hats are stacked neatly for sale with the Bay Woods logo.  The front counter is glass and holds tees, gloves, and boxes of golf balls.  The woman behind the counter greets us.  “Good morning!  How may I help you today?”

“We heard you were hiring,” Shel smiles as we step to the counter.

“We are.  We’re looking for rangers, cart and concession staff.  You need to be at least 21 to work the beverage carts and main concession.”

“You’re in luck because we’re both 21,” Shel says.

“Great!”  She opens a drawer and pulls out two applications.  “Fill these out and return them to me.  You can have a seat at the tables in the main concession area, if you like,” she nods to the left.

“Thanks,” Shel says and takes the two pens the woman offers.

We head to a table and start to complete the apps.  The area is relatively cozy and has a sports bar feel with two large flat screens in opposite corners of the room.  The walls are decorated with autographed golf paraphernalia and some trendy signs that read, “Who’s Your Caddy?” and “How Am I Driving?”  Three men sit at a table across from us; they look like business associates.  Shel pauses for a minute and looks around.  “I bet we could run into some pretty cute guys working here,” she muses.

I look at her annoyed.  “Really?”

“Sorry,” she says regretfully.  “I meant for me, not for you.”

We go back to the applications.  “I need a third reference.  Can I use your mom?” she asks me.

“Yeah.  You use mine and I’ll use yours.”

We complete the apps and turn them in to the lady at the front counter.  She tells us someone will be in touch within the week.

“Where to next?” I ask as we get back in the car.

“Let’s try the bookstore in town,” she says.  “You still like to read, right?”

“Sure.”

It turns out to be slim pickings when we get into town; not many places are hiring.  We manage to successfully apply at two more places – the “Book Nook” and a new consignment shop.

“Well, I’d say this afternoon was a success,” Shel says as we leave the resale store.  “Hungry?”

“Not really.”

She eyes me suspiciously.

“Seriously!  I’m not.”

“Well I am,” she looks around.  “Let’s hit the Subway.”

We walk across the street to the restaurant, and I wait in line with Shel.  The tiny place is busy and crowded.  As my eyes jump around the lobby between the people, the menu, and the fresh sandwich ingredients, my skin prickles.  This is the first time I’ve been out in public in a month.  It feels off, like everyone is staring at me even though I know they’re not.  Maybe it’s just the tight space; these people are only getting lunch like any other day.  I feel strangely out of place and out of sync.

“And what would you like?” the sandwich artist asks as she pulls on her plastic gloves.

“Uh…” I stutter.  I cave in and get myself a small turkey sub and a bottle of water.  I’m truly not hungry, but I don’t want to look weird watching my best friend eat.

“Hungrier than you thought?” Shel asks after adding a cookie to her order.

“Guess so,” I shrug.

Once we find a table, she polishes off her foot-long Cold Cut Combo in half the time it takes me to eat a portion of my small meal.  I have to admit my head does feel clearer with something in my stomach, and I take my time to finish.  I feel calmer than I did standing in line.  I even manage to tease Shel about her metabolism.  “A sub and a cookie and chips?  Where do you put it all?”

She looks down at her curves.  “These hips don’t lie.”

I scoff.  “Okay, Shakira.”

Shel really does look great.  She always has had that perfect 36-24-36 thing going on.  I, on the other hand, was hard pressed to fill a B cup until a few years ago.  While I’m thin, I still can’t find my waist.  Or my hips.  It’s like one straight line.  James used to tell me I looked athletic.  I would laugh because I’m no athlete.

Back in the car, headed home, I think about our time in town.  I feel like I’ve overcome a small hurdle, like I accomplished something.  My eyes land on Shel.  “Thanks for getting me out of the house.”

She smiles.  “You’re welcome.”  The car slows and she makes a right turn.

“Where are you going?” I ask, confused.  She should be turning left up ahead.

“There’s something I think you need to do.”

I look out the window puzzled.  There’s not much down this road except….  Panic grips my heart.  “Shel.  No.”

“Yes.”

I shoot her a stern look.  “Turn around right now!”

“No.”

“I’m not kidding.  Stop the car!”

She stares calmly out the windshield.  “You forfeited your rights when you gave me the keys.”

I want to grab the wheel, but I squeeze my eyes shut instead.  This is one hurdle I cannot overcome.  Not today.  “I can’t do this,” I beg.

“Yes, you can.”  The car slows again, and Shel makes another right turn.  The car creeps around a curve and comes to a stop.  She turns off the engine.

“C’mon.  Let’s go,” she says in a soft voice.

I shake my head no, eyes still closed.

“I’ll be with you the whole time.”

I set my mouth in a hard line and don’t move.

“Okay,” she says.  I hear her open the door and get out of the car.

I sit with my eyes closed and concentrate on breathing.  I don’t know if my hyperventilation is out of fear or anger, but it’s getting worse.  How dare she?  Who does she think she is anyway?  Where does she get off thinking she knows what’s best for me?  This is my life, my heart!  How can this possibly help anything?

I try to slow my breathing by forming a speech of verbal abuse that I will unleash on her when she gets back in the car.  I need to make it clear – if she’s going to continue to stay with me, we need to set some boundaries.  I’m all for trying to heal and move forward, but this, this seems way too soon.

When I open my eyes, I find Shel leaning against the hood of the car with her back to the windshield.  I take a few minutes and seriously contemplate wrestling my keys away from her.  It’d be a tough fight, and on a normal day I could probably take her.  But not today.  I don’t have the energy.

With a defeated sigh I slowly push open the door with shaky hands.  I walk over and lean against the hood next to her and stare out over a place I never thought I’d be.  Not now and certainly not in the near future.

Whispering Oaks Cemetery.

“Ready?” she asks quietly and holds out her hand.

I try to be angry, but my voice catches in my throat.  “You tricked me.”

“He’d want you to visit,” she says softly.

I give her a pained look and slowly grasp her fingers.

We walk hand in hand along the dirt drive that circles the cemetery in silence.  It really is a beautiful place with tall maple and pine trees that are hundreds of years old.  It is meticulously landscaped; early wildflowers bloom along the sides of the drive, and the grass smells freshly mowed.  Birds sing and chirp as they fly from tree to tree.  Older headstones and regal mausoleums stand in the front of the cemetery.  As we walk closer to the back, sunlight reflects off the newer, shiny headstones.

We make it to the far end of the cemetery where an open area of neatly mowed grass lies empty, patiently waiting for its future inhabitants.  Shel veers slightly to the left and I follow behind her, never releasing her hand.  I know we’re close when her walk slows.  She was here, following the service, while I was having my break down in that little room in the funeral home.

“We’re here,” she says quietly.

I’m scared to look.  Shel steps to my side, so she’s beside me instead of in front of me and reveals a perfectly domed mound of dirt adorned with floral arrangements that have long since dried and shriveled, their bright bows the only color left against the brown dirt.

My throat constricts and my chest tightens.

Shel squeezes my hand.  I squeeze her hand back, and we just stand there, together, staring at the ground.

I’m not sure how much time has passed when she asks, “Do you want some privacy?”

I think I do.  I nod and whisper, “Don’t go too far.”

“I’ll be right over there,” she points to a bench that sits off to the side of the drive.  She lets go of my hand and walks away.

Left alone, I’m not sure what to do.  I kneel down beside the gravesite and rest on my heels.  I reach out and feel one of the bows, the navy blue one.  When I turn it over, the word “Son” is imprinted on it in fancy gold lettering.  Tears prick my eyes.

The wind rustles the leaves on the trees and blows the ribbon out of my fingers.  I stare at the withered flowers for a moment, then tilt my head and look at the top of the dirt mound where I imagine James’ head would be.

“Hey.”  My voice is barely there.  “I’m sorry it took me so long to get here.”

I close my eyes and listen to the sounds around me.  The wind, the birds, and the silence in between.  There’s no sobbing or screaming like I feared, just a few stray tears wind down my face.

“I miss you.  So much.”

A warm breeze swirls around me, and I wrap my arms around myself as if to hug the air back.  After a few minutes I realize that I feel very calm, peaceful even.  I open my eyes.  “I won’t stay away,” I whisper.  I reach out tentatively, placing my hand on the dirt.  It feels soft under my palm.

My heart aches.  I silently wish that he is safe.  Somewhere warm, and somewhere free of pain.  Somewhere happy.  I smile as his grin flashes across my memory.  “I love you,” I say quietly.

“Until the end of forever,” my mind answers in his voice, making me smile again.

I press my palm into the dirt, so when I remove it, an imprint remains.  I start to make little swirls in the soil around my handprint.  I imagine him looking over my shoulder, watching me.  I can sense his amused face as I imagine our conversation:

“Why are you playing in the dirt?” he asks with lopsided smirk.

“Because I’m trying to touch you.”

“Why?”

“Because you are gone.”

“I am not gone.”

“Yes, you are.”

“I’m not.”

“Are you trying to pick a fight with me?”

He laughs.  “Why would I do that?  I never win.”

“That’s true.”

“So why do you think I’m gone?  I’m right here.”

“You died.”

He frowns.  “I know; I was there.”

“And I wasn’t,” I sadly sigh.  “Promise me you’ll never leave me.”

He smiles.  “That’s kind of creepy.”

“I see you haven’t lost your sense of humor.”

“You know I’ll always be with you.”

“In my heart, right?”

“Of course.”

“That’s not good enough.”

“Being stubborn, are we?”

“I’m not trying to be.  I just know what I want.”

“I guess I’ll have to work on that.”

“Please do.”

My imaginary conversation with James ends when I run out of space around my handprint to continue my art.  I’ve managed to create a handprint that looks like its radiating heat with swirls coming from the fingertips and out around the palm.  I smile weakly at my creation.

I push against the ground and stand.  I press my dirty fingertip to my lips and then hold it out to send James a silent kiss.  I allow my heart to wrap around the fact that here is where I can go to be near him.  “I love you, and I’ll be back soon,” I say.

As hard as it was for me to get out of the car and walk here, it is even harder for me to walk away.  I force myself to turn.  I make it to the bench and sit down.

“Everything okay?” Shel asks.

Surprising myself, I say, “It will be.”

She nods and then stands.  She extends her hand and helps me off the bench.  “Then mission accomplished.  Do you forgive me?” she asks sheepishly.

“For now,” I say.  Then I throw my arms around her.  “Thank you.”

Chapter 8

As luck would have it, two days later Bay Woods called to ask us both for interviews.  Apparently we were the only two who applied who weren’t still in high school.  I think the interview itself was more for protocol than anything; it basically consisted of two questions: what days of the week can you work, and when can you start?

Our training began that Friday.  We were shown how to work both the main concession and the beverage carts, since we are old enough to serve alcohol.  At first I was worried about bartending, but thankfully the drinks offered are no more complicated than a gin and tonic.  At the end of our training day, we were each given three teal blue “Bay Woods Golf Course” polo shirts.  Official employment would begin on Monday.

“We should celebrate,” Shel says on our way home after training.

I make a face.  “I don’t feel like going out.”

“You never feel like going out,” she huffs.

I roll my eyes at her.  “You can go.  Have fun.”

“Who am I going to go with?  Myself?”

I sigh.  I can tell from her tone that this is one of her I’m-going-to-get-my-way moments.  “What did you have in mind?”

“Let’s get some dinner,” she suggests.  “What about that place in town?  The one that has the live band on weekends?”

“Louie’s Roadhouse?”

“That’s the one.  Don’t they have awesome breadsticks?”

“Yeah.  And the portions are huge.”

“So is that a yes?” She looks hopeful.

“Fine.  Yes.”

She claps like a perky cheerleader.  I make a turn on the next street to take us through town instead of around it.

Pulling into the restaurant, it’s hard to find a parking space.  Friday night is a busy night for Louie’s.  I manage to find one on the outside of the lot and squeeze my car into it.  Inside, the place is packed.  A classic rock band plays loudly in the corner under neon bar signs while people dance.  It feels a little claustrophobic to me, but Shel’s eyes light up.

“How many?” a waitress asks loudly over the music.

“Just two!”

We get stuck at a small table in the back, right outside the restrooms.  Shel speaks with the waitress briefly who disappears, only to reappear moments later with two huge strawberry daiquiris.  She places one in front of each of us.

“Hey!  I can’t drink all of this,” I protest to Shel.  “Besides, I’m driving.”

“I think you’ll be okay,” she yells across the table.  “I know you won’t finish it and besides, we’re supposed to be celebrating!”

I take a drink, and it does taste good.  We turn our attention to the band and the dance floor.  I have to admit that people watching is one of my favorite activities.

Eventually we order.  When our food arrives, my chef salad is monstrous.  As I’m cramming another bite into my mouth – why can’t they ever cut the lettuce in small pieces? – I hear a male voice, “Well look at what the cat dragged in!”

I look up just as Shel is jumping out of her seat to hug some big guy.  He wraps his arms around her.  What the heck?

She steps back from him, excited.  “When did you get into town?  What are you doing here?”

“Last night, actually.  My buddy plays guitar,” he nods toward the band.  Then he seems to notice me.  With a soft expression he yells over the music, “Hey Em.  How’ve you been?”

Who is this person?  How does he know me?  I stare at him stupidly.

“Emma!” Shel scolds me.  “Say hello to Matt!”

Matt?  Holy crap, I wouldn’t have recognized him in a million years.  He still sports his textured blonde hairstyle, but he’s bigger than I remember.  More muscular.  I smile, embarrassed.  “I’m sorry!” I yell.  “I so did not recognize you!”  I stand up, and he gives me an awkward hug.

He smiles and looks around.  “Listen, I’ll be come back when the band breaks.  I can hardly hear!”

“Okay!”

Matt waves and makes his way to the restroom.

“I didn’t think he was coming home until next month,” Shel says between bites.

I try to remember the last time I saw Matt.  An image springs to mind of him stopping by James’ house the summer after high school while we were washing the Jeep.  I smile as I remember trying to stay out of the water fight that ensued only to end up drenched anyway.  Wow, that was two years ago.

After we finish our dinner, the band takes a break.  A DJ fills the silence, but he’s nowhere near as loud.  Matt reappears, pulls a chair over from another table, and takes a seat.  He’s tall, over six foot, and his knees bump the bottom of the tabletop when he sits.  I chastise myself for wondering if he’s on steroids.  The last time I saw him he was still wiry Matt; he played baseball in high school.  Now, his white Old Navy ringer tee barely stretches across his chest.

“So,” he looks at our drinks.  “What can I get you ladies?”

“Oh, nothing for me, thanks,” I say.

“Another daiquiri, please,” Shel requests.

Matt calls a nearby waitress over and orders the daiquiri and a beer.  Turning his attention back to us he asks, “What brings you guys out?”

“We’re celebrating,” Shel looks at me.  “We are officially employees at Bay Woods starting Monday.”

“That’s a nice course,” Matt comments.  “I golf out there quite a bit, when I’m home.”

Shel and Matt delve into conversation, as if they see each other every day.  I basically observe and nod once in a while.

Someone taps me on my shoulder.  I turn and come face to face with some random stranger with greasy hair and bad skin.  His rancid beer breath is right in my face.  I lean away from him.

“You wanna dance?” the guy slurs.

Dear God, no.  “Um.  N–no thanks,” I say politely and turn back around.

“Wahs your problem?” he peers around my shoulder.  “Yous think you’re too good or somethin’?”  He grabs my arm.

“Hey!”  My skin crawls where he touches me.  I try to pull away and lean back at the same time.

Matt stands abruptly, knocking his chair over.  “I wouldn’t do that if I were you,” he growls and takes a step forward.

Drunk guy lets go of my arm.  “What’s it to you?” he says angrily and stands up tall.  With the two of them facing off like this, it’s clear that Matt has the advantage.  He is much taller and more muscular than drunk guy.

Matt’s brown eyes go dark.  “It would be best if you left.  Now.”

Drunk guy puts on a tough face, but sways a little when he takes a step.  He regains his balance and stares at Matt.  Then he looks at me.  “Forget it.  You’re not worth it,” he sneers.  He turns and stumbles away.

Matt stares him down until he’s back on the other side of the bar.  He picks up his chair and takes a seat.

“Thank you so much,” I say gratefully.

He takes a drink of his beer, then smiles at me.  “Any time.”

Shel picks up the conversation where they left off as I sit there waiting for my adrenaline to return to normal levels.  I check my phone.  It’s only nine, but I’m ready to go home.

I manage to make it only fifteen more minutes until I bring it up.  “Shel, you ready to go?”

She frowns at me.  Guess that’s a no.

As their conversation continues, I decide to make a trip to the restroom.  When I get back, the band has started again and both Matt and Shel are standing.

“What’s up?” I yell over the music.

“I thought you were ready to go?” Shel asks.

“Yes!” I answer, probably too enthusiastically.

We make our way outside, and I inhale the night air.  It was really stuffy inside Louie’s.  Matt follows us out.   “Where are you parked?” he asks.

“Way over there,” I gesture ahead of us.

We start to walk toward my car.  “Thanks again, for your help back there,” I tell him.  “I really appreciate it.”

“Yeah, I’m glad I didn’t have to pull out my mad ninja skills,” Shel teases.

Matt laughs.  Little does he know that Shel really does have mad ninja skills.  Well, karate skills from an elective she took last year.

We’re just about to the car when I hear scuffling behind us.  Shel and I turn around and see two people.  I recognize drunk guy immediately.  Suddenly, his buddy has Matt in a headlock.

I never figured Shel for a scared screamer.  As Matt wrestles with the guy to get out of his hold, Shel lets out one of the loudest shrieks I’ve ever heard.  Drunk guy actually takes a step back at the sound.

I start to panic as I back away and attempt to wrestle my cell phone from my purse.  I keep my eyes locked on Matt.  Why are these guys attacking him?  Call the police! my brain screams.

“Let go of me asshole!” Matt grunts as he maneuvers his way out from under the guy’s arms and tries to pin them behind his back.  The guy is too fast and ends up escaping Matt’s grasp.  They separate, a few feet apart, and start to circle one another.

“Knock it off!” Shel yells at them.

Matt lunges at the guy, and he jumps out of the way.

I’m still trying to get my damn phone out of my purse.

Drunk guy decides to step in.  His hands grab Matt’s shirt but he’s not strong enough, or maybe he’s too inebriated, to hang on.  Matt takes his arm and easily knocks the guy free.  Drunk guy falls to the ground right in front of me, and I jump back.  I scramble out of the way and run to Shel’s side.

“Don’t you know karate?” I ask her frantically.

“Like two moves!” she snaps at me.  “And this isn’t the most controlled environment!”

Distracted by shaking off drunk guy, Matt is caught around the waist from behind, his arms pinned to his sides by his original assailant.  He struggles to break free.

“What do you want?” Shel screams at them.

I have gone mute as the sense of déjà vu settles over me.  The same scene flashes before my eyes but it’s at school, at Western.  James is fighting off Patrick, a lab partner of mine who became overly friendly and turned into somewhat of a stalker.  It started with a few notes that went from innocent to threatening.  Then, he seemed to show up everywhere I went.  When I discovered that he had registered for all the same classes as me for the next semester, James came to campus to take care of the situation.   He only meant to talk to him, maybe scare him into leaving me alone, but the talk quickly escalated into a fight.  Patrick had James pinned, just as this guy has Matt.

“Please don’t hurt him!” I beg Patrick.

“Stay back Em!” James warns me.

Patrick grunts.  “Call off your boyfriend!”

“James!  Stop!  Both of you!  Stop!”  I yell.

“Tell him we’re friends!” Patrick demands as James continues to struggle.  “Tell him!”

“Okay!  Okay!  We’re just friends!” I say to James.  “Let him go!”

Patrick actually released his hold on James, after which James quickly turned and punched him in the face.  Blood spurted everywhere as he fell backward.  Patrick lay on the ground for a few minutes, then recovered from his fall and took off across the parking lot, holding his nose.  I never saw or heard from him again, but I was always looking over my shoulder, afraid he would reappear at any moment.  That’s when James quit the hockey team and left Ferris.  He immediately transferred to Western to make sure I was safe.

The memory takes only a second to play out behind my eyes, and in that time drunk guy has recovered from his fall and staggers toward Matt.  “This is for tryin’ to be tough!” he taunts and closes his hand in a fist.  “This’ll ruin that pretty boy face of yours,” he sneers as he winds up to punch.

“No!” I find my voice.

Thankfully drunk guy is pretty drunk because the punch he throws knocks him off balance and his fist heads for Matt’s stomach, not his nose.  Matt kicks drunk guy in the gut, sending him sprawling.  The force must have worked in Matt’s favor, because he finally breaks the hold around his arms.

Matt turns on the guy who was holding him and lands two solid punches, one in his stomach and one on the side of his jaw.  I cringe at the sound they make.  The guy stumbles backward.

I hear voices and realize some people in the parking lot are making their way over to see what’s going on.  “Matt!” I yell as Shel and I run for the car.  He glances at me for a moment and then turns his attention back to his attackers.  I yank open the car door, crawl in, and start the ignition.

The guy Matt punched is recovering and takes a few steps toward him.  Matt turns and makes a beeline for the car.  He throws open the passenger side door and falls in.  “Go!”

I leave the parking lot quickly and drive back through town.  I concentrate on going the speed limit.  My knuckles are white with tension as I grip the steering wheel.

Shel erupts from the backseat.  “What was THAT?”

Matt flexes his hand.  Even in this poor light it looks swollen.  “I think our buddy doesn’t like me too much.”

Shel snorts.  “What idiots!”

“Guess I won’t be going back there for a little while,” Matt chuckles.

Shel reaches through the seats.  “They didn’t even land a punch.  High five!”  Matt smiles and slaps her hand with his good one.

I’m still tense, and I feel awful for doing absolutely nothing to help him during the fight.  “I’m going to take you to my house so we can get some ice on that hand,” I say.

“Nah,” Matt says.  “I’ve had worse.”

“Do you make a habit of this?” I ask with wide eyes.

He shakes his head.  “Fighting random strangers?  No.”  He pauses.  “But I do help my dad out from time to time, and I’ve gotten some pretty nasty bites.”

I forgot that Matt’s family owns the veterinary clinic in town.

“Regardless, let me help you.  I feel bad after standing there and doing nothing.”

He doesn’t protest, and I make my way through town toward home.  Shel and Matt rehash the fight, play by play, like it was the WWE.

We make it home and walk through the back door and into the kitchen.  “Sit there,” I direct Matt to the island.  I go to the freezer, pull out a cold pack, and then wrap it in a dish towel.  I take his hand and look at his knuckles.  They’re red and swollen.  “Here.”  I place the wrapped cold pack on his hand.  He grimaces.

“See, you are hurt,” I say.  “Don’t move.”  I leave the kitchen and head to the bathroom to retrieve some ibuprofen.  I run into my mom in the hallway.

“Hi,” she says.  “Where have you been?”

“Long story.”  I step past her into the bathroom and turn on the light.  “Matt and Shel are in the kitchen.”

She looks surprised.  “Matt Randall?”

I nod and grab the Motrin bottle from the drawer.  She heads to the kitchen, and I follow her.

“Well hey there!” my mom greets him affectionately.  “It’s good to see you!”

Matt smiles at my mom.  “You too, Mrs. D.”

The way he says “Mrs. D” stops me short and pulls at my heart.

“What happened to you?” she asks, concerned.

Shel launches into an animated play by play of the night’s events.  Matt is barely allowed to speak.  I head to the sink to fill a glass with water.  I bring it over to him along with the bottle of Motrin and shake out some pills.

“Thanks,” he says as I dump the pills in his hand.  He pops them in his mouth and then takes the glass.

“It’s the least I can do,” I say, still feeling guilty.  If it wasn’t for me he wouldn’t have been jumped.

My dad hears all the commotion from the kitchen and comes downstairs in his pajamas to see what’s going on.  He didn’t expect our guest either, yet they all break into conversation which easily moves into the living room.  Honestly, I’m tired, and I really would like to take Matt home or back to get his car or wherever now that he has ice on his hand.

Matt sits at one end of the couch in order to lay his hand on the arm rest.  Shel takes the other end, so I plop down in between them.  My parents sit in the chairs across from us and continue talking.  I don’t care to contribute to the stroll down memory lane right now, and I feel my eyes getting heavy.  Damn daiquiri.

When I open my eyes, I’m curled up on my side underneath someone’s arm.  My parents are no longer sitting across from me, but Shel is, her feet tucked up into one of the chairs.  She’s flipping through a magazine.  I blink to clear my vision and realize my head is resting against someone’s side.  I look up and see Matt, his head resting back against the couch.  He’s asleep with his arm wrapped protectively around me.

I jump up and away from him, throwing his arm off me in the process.

He wakes, startled.  “Wha…?”

“I’m sorry!” I apologize.  “I didn’t mean to wake you.  I just…you there…”

He rubs his face with his good hand to clear his eyes.  He smiles tiredly.

Confused, I look at Shel.  “You’re quite the partier,” she says as she tosses the magazine aside and stands.  “C’mon Matt.  I’ll drive you home.”

He pushes himself off the couch and looks at me.  He can tell I’m embarrassed.  “Don’t worry about it,” he says.  “I’ll see you around.”  He starts to leave the room and then pauses.  “Thanks for fixing my hand.”

I give him a small wave.  “Yeah, I’ll see you.”

As they leave I put my head in my hands.  I feel ridiculous for falling asleep on somebody I barely know.  Well, barely know anymore.

On my way up to bed, I turn off all the lights but one; so Shel can make her way upstairs when she returns.  I walk with heavy feet to my room and turn on my bedside lamp.  The red numbers on my alarm clock seem to shout the time at me.  It’s after one in the morning.  Yawning, I lean over to grab my pajamas when I notice something lying on top of my dresser.  I walk over to see what it is.

Lying there, unfolded, is the letter from James that I found the other night.  I thought I’d put it away in my drawer?  I fold it up, open the top drawer, and tuck it under my socks again.  Maybe my mom found it when putting laundry away.  I’ll ask her about it tomorrow.

I walk back over to the bed, pick up my pajamas, and put them on.  I head to the bathroom to brush my teeth.  When I turn on the light, I almost scream.

There, on the counter, is a fuchsia orchid.

Chapter 9

I stare at the potted plant.  Afraid it’s a hallucination, I decide not to try and touch it.  If it is imaginary, my hand would pass right through it, and then I’ll know for sure I’ve lost my mind entirely.  Instead I close my eyes, feel around for the light switch, and return to my room.  I’ll deal with it tomorrow.  If it’s still there.

Lord, I need sleep.  I crawl under my covers and close my eyes, but sleep avoids me.  My muscles feel tense so I try to relax my body one part at a time, starting with my neck and working my way down.  I feel better, but I’m still awake.  I try the proverbial counting sheep, which morphs into another vision, and I end up counting the punches that Matt lands on that guy earlier – one, two, one, two, one, two.  I grimace and roll over, trying a new position.  After a while, I hear Shel return, and then the door closes to Mike’s old bedroom.  I flip over again.  This is unusual; my power nap on Matt must have screwed me up.

I can’t turn my brain off.  I go over the things I learned today at Bay Woods.  I’ll have to remember to get my work shirts out of the car tomorrow.  I’m sure they are a wrinkled mess.  The car.  I’m going to need to get gas before Monday.  I wonder about the oil.  When’s the last time that was changed?  James usually kept on me about that.  I’ll have to check the sticker.  It’s dirty too, James will be sure to bring that up.  He keeps his ride meticulous. I, on the other hand, prefer to use my time to clean other things.  My dorm room, for example.  His room is an absolute disaster, yet he manages to keep his car like new.

“I know you have the ability to clean!” I chastise him as I’m picking up.  I hold up a glass where milk has congealed to the bottom.  “This is just gross.”

“Oh, you love it,” he teases me.

“Stale milk?”

“No, coming over here and taking care of me,” he winks.

It’s the same conversation every time.

It’s then that my brain stops, and I realize I won’t have that conversation again.  It’s impossible to have that conversation again.  The familiar squeeze returns to my chest, and I’m overwhelmed by sadness.  Why can’t I fall asleep already?

Unwillingly, my thoughts turn to the last time I saw James.  We were fighting.  I’d accused him of lying to me, lying about leaving.  He had been with me at Western for nearly two years after the Patrick incident.  I knew he missed being at Ferris.  In the year he had been there he’d established himself as one of the top players on the team; the coaches knew him, relied on him.  The same situation didn’t apply to WMU.  And Ferris was calling again.  His old coach was on him about transferring back but, of course, I didn’t want him to leave.  The coach was persistent.  James finally agreed to meet with him, promising me he was staying put and would be telling the coach just as much.  But I was worried; I knew how much happier he would be there.  I was so selfish.  When he came back from the meeting, I’d accused him of changing his mind.  I should never have done that.

“Why would you think I’d leave?” James looked hurt.

“Because I know you’re unhappy.”

“What?  That’s not true.”

“You wouldn’t be happier?  Your parents would be.”

“This isn’t about them.”

I crossed my arms.  “Then what did you tell Coach?”

“It’s not that easy.  I didn’t want to let him down so…”

“So, you’re going back,” I snapped.

“I didn’t say that!  Would you let me finish?  Nothing happened that you and I didn’t discuss.”

“What does that mean?!”

“I’m trying to tell you nothing happened and you won’t accept it!”  He’s pissed now.

“You expect me to believe that?”

“Yes!  When have I ever lied to you?”  He paused when I didn’t answer. “So now you think I lie to you?” he asked bitterly.

Again, I didn’t answer him.

“Fine!”  He made his way to the door and then turned.  “Might I remind you of all I gave up for you?  For us?”

I roll my eyes at being reminded about what he gave up yet again.  “Listen, you know why you came here!”

“Whatever.”

That’s when he stormed out.

A couple of hours later, James called to ask me to go out that night, to get something to eat.  But I was still upset, still suspicious, and there wasn’t a hint of an apology in our conversation.  Don’t ask me why I felt I was the one who was owed an apology; it should have been the other way around.  I remember thinking we had bigger issues than dinner and, feeling annoyed, I told him no, I didn’t want to go out, I had studying to do.  He hung up the phone with a huff.

As I spent the rest of the night replaying our argument, the guilt started to creep in, eventually overtaking me.  I called James, but he didn’t answer.  I left a message.  After midnight, when I hadn’t heard from him, I started to get really concerned.  Could he still be upset with me?  I’d really done it this time.  I started to feel sick to my stomach.  I decided to call again, regardless of the time.

“Hey.”  Thank God he answered.

“I’m sorry,” I said.

“Me too.”

“Where are you?  The phone sounds weird.”

“Driving.”

“Where?”

“Some of the guys and I went out.”  I could hear him yawn.

“Well, about earlier…”

“Hang on.  I’m about five minutes from being outside your door.”

“Oh, okay.”

“See you in a sec.”

He hung up the phone.  And never arrived.

The tears are back.  I cry silently, and wipe them away as fast as they come.  Pretty soon my cheeks feel raw from the wiping, and I just give up.  It’s like my whole body wants to torture me; my mind won’t let me sleep or think of anything else and my physical body feels so weak that I don’t have the will to stop the tears.

I don’t know how many times I called James’ cell when he didn’t show up.  25?  50?  Two hours later, sick with worry, I called that last time.  Someone answered the phone.

“Hello?” a strange male voice answered.  I could hear commotion in the background.

“Hello?  Who’s this?” I asked, confused.

“Who are you looking for?”

“James.  James Davis.”

“And who are you ma’am?”

“Did I dial the wrong number?” I ask.

“No ma’am.  Who are you again?”

“Emma.”

“Emma?  How do you know James?”

“He’s…he’s my boyfriend.”

The man pauses.  “Emma, does James have parents?”

Who is this guy? I remember thinking.  “Yes, of course he has parents!  Why are you asking me this?”

“This is Sergeant Earnest with the Kalamazoo Police Department.  Emma, I’m going to need James’ parent’s phone number.”

“Why?” I remember my hand starting to shake violently.

“Emma, there’s been an accident.”

The official police report states that James fell asleep and swerved off the road.  A small embankment caused his Jeep to flip into a tree.  He lay there, alone, for at least two hours before a passing motorist thought to call the police.  Two hours.  Alone.  Dying.

I can’t help it and horrible sobs rip through my chest.  If I had gone with him when he asked, he wouldn’t have been out so late, wouldn’t have fallen asleep, wouldn’t have died.

That is why the accident is my fault.

Because we were supposed to be together and we weren’t.

I will never forgive myself.

The loud sobs continue and Shel is in my room in a matter of seconds, holding me.  I can hear my parents enter the room, and Shel passes me off to my mother.

“Shhhh,” she says as she rubs my back.  “Another nightmare?” she asks.

I shake my head no.  I only wish it were a nightmare.

“Whatever it is, it’ll be okay,” she tries to console me.

I shake my head violently.

“I’m right here.  I won’t let you go.”

She holds me and rocks me like a baby.  Eventually the sobs subside, leaving me drained.  I disentangle myself from her and lie down.  She lies beside me, and Shel crawls in on my other side.  I fall asleep tucked between the two of them, like an infant, my tears still tacky on my cheeks.

Chapter 10

Over the next few days, my parents and Shel give me plenty of space.  No one brings up my sobbing episode and neither do I.  I do manage to ask my mother about the plant in the bathroom, since it was still there and, thankfully, not a figment of my imagination.  She said it was delivered to the house the day Shel and I were at training, but there was no card to say who it was from.  She assumed it was sent by someone with condolences, and she meant to call the flower shop to ask about it.  She put it in the bathroom since orchids like a humid climate, but quickly forgot about calling after Matt’s visit and then my late night disruption.  I really don’t care who it’s from as long as it’s real.  But aren’t there any other kinds of flowers in the area besides those that match what James used to give me?

Our first day at Bay Woods was a little hectic, but as the week went on, Shel and I fell into a steady rhythm.  The environment was friendly, our manager easy-going, and driving the beverage cart around outside in the sun was an added bonus.  It was exhausting work, however, with all the stocking and lifting.  I was using muscles I never knew I had.  Shel’s hope was that, by the end of the summer, we will have built up some core strength and have amazing tans.

“This routine agrees with you,” Shel comments at the end of the week.

I add more hot dogs to the roller.  “How do you mean?”

“You look rested; your eye bags look smaller.”

I grimace.  “Thanks for noticing.”

“You’re welcome,” she smiles.

“I have been sleeping really hard.  I’m so tired by the time we get home.”

“Tell me about it.”  She stretches her back.

That’s when I realize I haven’t had any more memory dreams.  Not one.  I try to think back to the last one I had.  My face falls.

“What’s wrong?”

Before I can stop myself, I say “I’ve stopped dreaming.”

Shel looks confused.

“Never mind,” I say quickly, shaking my head.

A customer approaches the counter and needs Shel’s attention.  I go back to the hot dogs.  Have I thought about James every day?  Yes.  But my dreams have stopped and it makes me sad.  I enjoyed the memories my subconscious found and shared with me again.  Silently, I pray that the dreams will return; I don’t want to forget anything.  Ever.

“I hate it when you’re sad.”

James’ voice rings loud and clear in my head.  A perfect rendition, just like when I was in the shower.  My head snaps up.

“I’m right here with you.”

Shel nudges me.  “We’re out of napkins.  I’ll go get some more from the back.”

I nod at her and move to the front to take over the register.

What was that?  Hearing his voice again?  Maybe my mind is compensating for the lack of dreams by recalling his voice.  I smile.  That’s okay with me.

I busy myself checking the condiments to make sure they are full and notice the salt shakers are low.  I crouch down and start to rummage around under the counter for the funnel to fill them.

“Man, the service in this place sucks.”

Seriously?  I pop up from behind the counter to see Matt standing there, pulling on the fingers of his golf glove.  I sigh in relief.  “I was ready to let you have it!”

He smiles at me.  “How’s the job going?”

“Pretty good.  How’d the course treat you today?”

“Not too bad,” he turns slightly and tilts his head to his left.  “My old man still beat me though.”

“Hey Matt!” Shel says as she returns with the napkins.

He waves to her.

“So,” I ask him, “what can I get you?”

“Well, I owe my dad a beer for beating me, so two Miller’s please.”

I nod and walk to the cooler.

“What have you been up to?” I hear Shel ask him as I pull out the cans.

“Not much.  Visiting with family, mostly,” he replies.  “Helping out at the clinic when Sheila calls in.”

Shel laughs.  “I can’t imagine you as a receptionist!”

Matt pretends to be offended.  “I’m pretty good at it if I do say so myself.”

“Here you go,” I put the cans on the counter and he hands me some bills.

“So, it’s Friday night.  What are you up to?” he asks.

“Nothing!”  Shel is quick to respond.  Too quick.  I give her a wary look out of the corner of my eye.

“Great!”  Matt says.  “We’re having a barbeque at our house tonight, to kick off Memorial Day weekend.  You down?”

No, I think.  The last thing I want to do is pretend to mingle with people I don’t know.

“Sure!” Shel responds.

“What about you Emma?” Matt asks.

“Oh, I don’t think…”

“We’ll be there,” Shel cuts me off with an elbow to the side.

“Invite your parents, too,” Matt tells me.  “We’ll be starting around seven,” he adds as he starts to walk away.

“Should we bring anything?” Shel asks.

“No, just yourselves,” he smiles and walks toward his father to hand him his prize for winning today.

I glare at Shel.

“What?”

“I don’t feel like...”

She cuts me off again with a pout.  “You never feel like it.”

I huff and go back to looking for the funnel to fill the salt shakers.

“You need to get out,” she presses.

I find the funnel and stand.  “Do you remember the last time we went out?”  My question comes out harsher than I intended.

She blinks and then narrows her eyes.  “Yes.  I do.”

“And?”

“It will be fun.  We won’t stay late; we have to be back here at eight a.m. anyway.”

All I can do is sigh.

When Shel tells my parents about the barbeque, they are just as excited as she is to have something to do this evening.  Saying “You just can’t show up empty-handed,” my mother goes about preparing a potato salad as Shel and I change out of our sweaty work clothes.  We decide to drive separately to Matt’s house; my parents may not want to stay as late as Shel and I.  This works for me.  If Shel wants to stay later, I’ll hitch a ride back home with my mom and dad.

When we arrive at the Randall’s, I try to remember the last time I was here.  It had to be sometime in high school.  When I was little, I always thought Matt had the coolest house because they had a big yard and a pool.  Arriving here now, I can see his parents have done a lot of landscaping work over the last few years.  When we walk around to the back of the house, the yard looks amazing.  A huge tent is set up near a fancy stone fire pit with matching stone benches.  The tent has been outfitted with tables and chairs and little outdoor lanterns hang underneath.  The pool still stands in the center of the yard, but it is now surrounded by an elaborate deck, which has stairs that lead to an ornately designed paver patio, complete with outdoor bar.  Next to the bar stands the largest grill I’ve ever seen.  Their backyard looks like an outdoor kitchen.  Tiki torches are lit to fend off mosquitoes, comfy patio furniture is set throughout the yard, and Mrs. Randall’s flower beds are overflowing with colorful perennials.  Music fills the air, coming from speakers that are hidden in the gardens to look like rocks.  Several people mill about with drinks and several more are lounging in the chairs and under the tent.  The whole scene is impressive.

“I’m so glad you could make it!” Mrs. Randall appears, wearing an apron.  She hugs my mother and then me, taking me by surprise.  “I was thrilled when Matt told me he had run into you at the golf course!”

“Thanks for having us,” my mother smiles at her.  “Where would you like the food?”

“Oh, I’ll take it,” Mrs. Randall says, taking the salad.  “Go ahead and make yourselves comfortable.  Dan’s firing up the grill as we speak.  There are drinks at the bar,” she nods toward the patio.

“Thanks,” we all say.

Mrs. Randall gets distracted as more guests arrive and starts to walk away.  “I’ll be busy until the food’s ready, but I hope we get a chance to catch up!” she says over her shoulder.

We head to the bar.  I make things easy and grab a bottle of lemonade.  I spy a grouping of empty chairs and head that way.  “I’ll be over there,” I tell Shel.

I plop down in one of the lounges and prop my feet up.  The sun is shining and it warms me.  I take a drink of lemonade and close my eyes.  I could get used to this minus all these people.

I sense Shel arrive and sit down on the lounge next to me.  I open my eyes and squint at her.  “What’d you get?”

“Margarita.”

We sit in the sun, sipping our drinks.  It’s a fun and friendly atmosphere, although I don’t recognize many people.  I notice my parents talking with someone across the yard by the fire pit.  Soon I start to smell meat cooking on the grill and my stomach growls.

“Whoa!  Was that you?” Shel asks.

I pat my belly.  “Yep.”

Within minutes Shel’s stomach growls just as loud.  We burst out laughing.

“What’s so funny?” Matt asks as he walks up behind us.

“Our stomachs are talking to each other,” Shel explains and swings her feet off the lounge so he can sit.

“That looks good,” he says to Shel and takes her drink from her hand.  “What is it?” he asks as he tastes it.

“Margarita.  A strong one.  Who’s your bartender?”

Matt laughs.  “My uncle Al.  You might want to take it easy with those.”  He hands Shel’s drink back to her and looks at me.  “What have you got?”

I hold up my bottle.  “Lemonade, straight up.”

“Ah.  Living on the edge, I see,” he smiles.

I notice people making their way toward the tent with plates.  “Must be time to eat,” I say and stand.  “I’m starving.”

Shel looks at me with wide eyes.  “Really?”

I give her an exasperated look.  “Yes, really.”

“I’m starving too,” Matt says.  “Let’s go before everything’s gone.”

We make our way to the buffet table and fill our plates.  We return to the lounges to eat instead of heading to the crowded tent.  Shel and Matt carry on effortless conversation as usual; I concentrate on my barbeque ribs.  They’re delicious.

After we finish, Shel gets another margarita.  She and Matt decide to play a game of horseshoes with a couple of Matt’s cousins while I watch from a nearby hammock.  Everyone is so carefree; it feels nice to be taking part in it, albeit a small part.  I think of James and how much fun we would have had here.  At first I smile, but then my face falls.  I try to stop it, but I miss him so much.

As dusk falls, a fire is lit in the fire pit.  I wander over to make a quick s’more.  Sitting down on one of the benches, I skewer my marshmallow, and hold it over the fire.  Once it’s good and crispy, I pull it off the stick by squashing it between two graham crackers and pulling.  I keep the chocolate separate, taking a bite of it and then a bite of the marshmallow/graham cracker combo.  The chocolate doesn’t melt all over your fingers this way.

“I thought I was the only one who did that,” someone says as he takes a seat beside me.  I look over to see some guy I don’t know.

I scoot over to give him some room.  “It’s less messy,” I shrug.

He skewers his marshmallow and begins the same process.  “I’m Dane,” he introduces himself and shifts his marshmallow stick to his left hand to offer me a handshake.  “You are?”

“Emma,” I shake his hand tentatively.

“How do you know the Randall’s?” he asks.

“Matt invited me.  I’ve known him since we were little.”  I pause.  I really don’t want to talk to this guy, but my conscience tells me to be polite.  “You?”

“Old family friend,” he smiles at me.  “My dad and Dr. Randall are long-time fishing buddies.”

I nod while I finish my s’more, and then stare at the fire.  I have nothing to say to Dane, but it feels rude to just get up and leave.  I assess him out of the corner of my eye.  He sits taller than me and he’s about my age, maybe slightly older.  In this light, he looks like he has dark hair and eyes, and he’s wearing a black fitted t-shirt and jeans.  If I wasn’t so melancholy I would say he was cute.  We sit in silence as he assembles his graham crackers and marshmallow.

He clears his throat.  “I couldn’t help but notice that you’re looking kind of sad.  Anything wrong?”  He takes a bite.

I wasn’t expecting that question.  I stare at the fire as my mind answers him.  Yes, something is very, very wrong.  James is gone and I am alone.  I’ve stopped dreaming about him, but sometimes I hear his voice.  I may be going crazy.  It’s hard for me to do anything but what my friend tells me to do.  I’m pretty messed up and not much fun.  You can go now, its okay.

But I say nothing.

I continue to look at the fire as he finishes his s’more.  Dane shifts his weight, like he’s uncomfortable.  “So…” he trails off awkwardly.

I give him a small apologetic smile.  I wish I was better at this, better at putting up a good front.

“You’re not trying very hard.”

James’ voice sounds crystal clear.  My smile disappears and my body tenses in surprise.

“But then again, you never were a very good liar.”

I turn abruptly and start to look around behind me.

“Is something wrong?” Dane asks, trying to find what I’m looking for.

“Oh no,” I face him, trying to act casual.  “I thought I heard my name.”

“Oh.”  His expression tells me he’s rethinking his decision to come and talk to me.

“Yep, still a horrible liar,” I hear James snicker.

“Is this thing on?”

I jump as someone taps a microphone.  I turn toward the patio and see a group of people gathered around.  “It’s time for some karaoke!  Who’s first?”  People laugh and a few hands shoot up.

“Do you want to go and watch?” Dane asks me.

I turn back to face him.  “I….um….”  My brain is completely scattered by James’ voice.

“Do you want to watch or don’t you?”

I’m still trying to process my thoughts.  “Uh…well…”

“I’ll make this easy for you,” Dane says shaking his head.  “I’m going to go watch people make fools out of themselves.  If you want to join me, you can.”  He stands.  “It was nice…er…talking to you,” he says and walks away.

I sigh and close my eyes.  Could I have acted any more idiotic?

I can hear James laugh.  “That was smooth.”

With my eyes still closed, I smile and wait for James to say something else.

Instead, I hear the karaoke music start and a girl start to warble Brittany Spears’ “Baby One More Time.”  I will James’ voice to come back.

When I don’t hear him by the end of the song I open my eyes, disappointed.  Another guest takes the mic, and I realize that I haven’t seen Shel, or my parents, in awhile.  I decide to head over to the karaoke concert to find them.

I take my time walking back to the patio, thinking about James’ voice.  It’s right.  I haven’t been trying very hard.  I attempt to rearrange my face to look somewhat interested in the entertainment.  As I approach the patio, Dr. and Mrs. Randall are beginning a hilarious rendition of Sonny and Cher’s “I’ve Got You Babe.”  I can’t help but laugh as I watch them.  At the end of the song everyone claps and cheers as they take exaggerated bows.

As the next person to sing is decided, my eyes scan the patio looking for Shel or my parents.  Something catches my eye.

And what I see infuriates me.

Chapter 11

Off to the side of the patio, tucked behind the group of spectators, is where I find them.  Matt is sitting in one of the patio chairs and Shel is sitting on his lap, facing him, and they are kissing.  There is no logical explanation for it, but anger constricts my chest.  I move out of the group of people and slowly walk behind them to the other side of the patio to make sure what I’m seeing is real.

I stop and blend into the guests when I get as close as I dare.  I was wrong; they are not just kissing.  They are full on consuming one another.  I see Matt’s hands wrap around Shel’s waist and then move up her back.  I look down at the ground and clench my hands into fists as I try and calm myself.

My mind seethes. The reason she drug me out here tonight was this?  Why?  Why not just let me stay home?

I hear Shel giggle and I glance back at them through narrowed eyes.  I can see Matt raise his finger to his lips.  He tells her to “shhhh” while laughing himself.  He starts to kiss her neck.  That’s when I decide I can’t take anymore.  I’m leaving.

I wrap my arms around myself and walk quickly through the backyard, around the house, and back to the street.  The spot is empty where my parents had parked.  “Thanks for telling me you were leaving,” I mutter under my breath.

I pull out the keys, get into my car, and slam the door shut behind me.  I start the engine and grip the steering wheel, pausing to glare back at the Randall’s house.  I shake my head in disgust and throw the car into reverse.

“How will Shel get back?”  James’ voice rings clear.

I’m so upset I don’t even flinch.  “She’s in good hands,” I snap out loud to the empty car.

I make sure to back out carefully but when I throw the car into drive, the tires squeal as I hit the gas.

The next morning I rise with the alarm clock, surprised I slept without tossing and turning.  My thoughts return to last night and I groan.  My anger with Shel and Matt may have subsided, but I still feel annoyed. I drag myself out of bed to get ready for work.  Memorial Day weekend is supposed to be huge for golf; I’m sure the course will be packed.

After showering, I head downstairs to grab something quick to eat.  When I pass Shel’s door, I notice it’s been left slightly open, and I can hear her alarm going off.  I peek in and see her passed out in the bed, dead to the world, still dressed in what she was wearing last night.

Really?!  My anger returns in full force.  Today is supposed to be extremely busy; I’m going to need her help and she’s going to make us late!  Instead of doing the right thing, which would be to wake her, I storm down the stairs.

“Mornin’,” my dad says over a bowl of cereal.

I throw open the pantry door and grab a couple granola bars.

“Have a good time last night?” he asks me.

I grab my keys off the counter and head for the back door, not even bothering to wait and see if Shel decides to wake up for work.  “Terrific,” I grumble to him over my shoulder as I leave the house.

Bay Woods is packed when I arrive.  I walk into the pro shop to clock in and check the schedule.  I’ll be on the beverage cart for most of the day.  Thankfully Shel is assigned to the main concession – if she makes it in.  I say a quick hello to Kris, my manager, and head out to the cart area to check my cart and see what needs restocking.

I’m in the middle of unpacking a case of water and burying it in ice when I hear a voice hiss from behind me.  “Why did you leave me?”

I look up to see a disheveled Shel, her hair pulled up in a hasty ponytail, shirt wrinkled, half tucked in and half hanging out.  Two mismatched socks, no makeup.

“It wasn’t my day to babysit you.”  There’s an edge to my tone that comes out sharper than I intended.

She blinks and her mouth falls open in surprise at my response.  She quickly shuts it and looks confused.  “What did I do to you?”

I finish burying the water bottles and slam the cooler door shut.  I gather the plastic from the case of water off the ground and crumple it into a ball.  I start to walk to the dumpster.

“Hey!” she yells at me.  “I’m talking to you!”

I pause, my back to her.  I look down at the crumpled plastic in my hands and then over my shoulder at her.  “Have a good time last night?” I ask in a nasty tone.

Shel shakes her head and looks at me like I’m insane.  “What?”

I turn and face her.  “Last night.  Did you have a good time?”

Her face is still twisted in confusion.  “Why?”

“As if you don’t know,” I accuse her.

“You’re mad at me because I got drunk?  I only had three drinks!  I can’t help it Uncle Al doesn’t know what a shot is,” she defends herself, growing angry.

“And?”

“And what?  I’m the one who’s supposed to be mad here!  You took off last night without warning; I had to find a ride home.  I get a little hung over and you abandon me again this morning!”

“Like you really had a hard time finding a ride home!  If you would have taken your tongue out of Matt’s mouth for two seconds you might have realized I was ready to leave!”  I know I’m being loud, but I really don’t care.  I know my anger is irrational, but I can’t help it.

Shel’s face goes slack.  “What?”

I lose it entirely.  “Stop it!”  I’m yelling now.  “If you wanted to hook up with Matt, why did you have to drag me along?  Couldn’t you have just left me at home?  Where I don’t have to pretend that everything’s okay?  Where I won’t embarrass myself in front of strangers?  Where I won’t be reminded of what I don’t have?”  Angry tears are running down my face.  I realize now the root of my anger.  I don’t have that anymore.

Shel looks shocked; as if I’ve physically hit her.  After a moment she rearranges her face and walks toward me.  “Look…” she says quietly.

I back away from her and put my hands out to stop her.  “Just…don’t.”  I turn back to head for the dumpster, hastily wiping the tears from my face.  As I walk, I check my phone.  I have only ten minutes to compose myself before I’m supposed to be out on the course.

The day goes by quickly due to how busy we are.  I’m grateful for two reasons: it keeps my mind occupied and it’s easy to avoid Shel.  I know we’re going to have to talk this through, but I need some time to think about what I’m going to say.  She’s done nothing but support me over the last two weeks.  The apology I owe her is huge.

Around six, I return to the pro shop and hand my cart over to Katie, a new hire, for the next shift.  I wander inside to clock out and then take a quick glance into the main concession.  Shel isn’t there.  It’s probably better if we talk at home anyway.

When I pull up the driveway, Shel is sitting on the back step.  I slowly get out of the car, walk up, and stand before her.  I twist my fingers together nervously and stare at the ground like a child who is about to be punished.  I’m unsure of where to start.

She beats me to it.  “Do you want me to leave?” she asks pointedly.

I look up at her.  “No.  Absolutely not.”

She sighs and pats the spot next to her on the step.  I take a seat and ask her quietly, “You know how sorry I am, right?”

She nods.  “I’m sorry too.”

“You have nothing to apologize for.”

“No, I do,” she meets my eyes.  “I was careless.”

“No, you’re normal.  I’m the one with the crazy emotions.”

Shel snorts.  “I may have some crazy emotions myself.”

We pause for a moment and stare out across the yard.

“Look,” I say.  “What you do is none of my business.  If you and Matt are together, that’s actually really great.”

“Except we’re not,” she sighs.

I look at her in disbelief.  “Excuse me?”

She gives me a guilty look.  “It appears I owe someone else an apology too.”

I’m confused.  “So what happened?”

“Long story short, margaritas happened,” she says, embarrassed.

“Oh no.”

“Oh yes.”

“Do you think he thinks you two are…?”

“I’m not sure what he thinks,” she shrugs.  “He was out of it, so some friend of his drove me back here.  David?  Don?”

“Dane.”  I groan, remembering my idiotic stuttering.

“You know him?”

I make a face.  “He’s the one I embarrassed myself in front of.”

“Yikes.”

“Yeah.  I wouldn’t be surprised if he thinks I’m…what’s a good word?  Special.”

Shel laughs.  “Well, that makes two of us.”

I lean my head against my best friend’s shoulder and smile with her.  Lately, we’re two peas in a pod when it comes to social awkwardness.

“Seriously though,” Shel says when her laughter fades.  “I am sorry.  I have been pushing you.  The cemetery, the job, the bar, this thing…” she waves her hand absentmindedly.  “I haven’t been here that long.  It’s a lot.  But my intentions are good.”

“I know.  I do appreciate it.  Truly I do.”

“Okay,” she pauses and holds out her pinky finger.  “From here on out I promise not to push so hard.”

I loop my pinky around hers.  “And I promise to remember that other people have lives and to try and keep my emotions in check.”

We pinky swear like we did in elementary school, and after a moment, she grimaces.  “I guess I should find Matt and sort that out too.”

“I don’t envy you.  Do you need me to go with?”

She shakes her head.  “No.  I’m a big girl.  It’s my mess.”

“You’re sure?”

“I’m sure.”  She stands and heads for her car.  “Wish me luck?”

I give her a sympathetic look.  “Good luck.”

After Shel pulls out of the driveway, I head upstairs to clean up.  I feel entirely gross physically, but mentally relieved she accepted my apology.

While changing clothes, I try to decide what to do with my time tonight.  When nothing immediately jumps to mind, my thoughts turn to Shel.  I hope Matt isn’t too hard on her.  Hopefully it won’t be that bad; maybe what happened isn’t a big deal to him or maybe he was too drunk to remember much.  Or maybe he will be upset.  I know if it were me I would be upset.  I can’t imagine being intimate with someone so casually.  I guess that’s a result of being with the same guy – the only guy I’ve ever been with in my life – for four years.

That’s when the thought pops into my mind.  I know what I’m going to do tonight.  I’m going to visit James.

I pull into Whispering Oaks cautiously.  I can’t believe I’m doing this; but it feels like something I should do.  I told him I would come back.

I feel nervous.  As I pull to a stop and turn off the engine, I glance around at what I can see of the cemetery.  I know it’s a public place, but I would prefer to be here alone.  Since I don’t see anyone, I reach over and pick up the potted orchid from the seat beside me.  I thought I could leave this here for him; it would have more meaning here than in my bathroom.

I start the slow walk along the dirt drive clutching the orchid.  I guess I could have driven around to the back but the walk will give me time to calm my racing heart.  Why am I so nervous?  It’s only logical that I would come here.  Maybe it’s because I decided to do this on my own, without anyone making me.  I concentrate on the sounds around me.  It’s only my second time here; is it always this serene?

Well, duh, I think to myself.  Of course there’s not much activity going on.  This place is pretty dead, if you know what I mean.

Badabum tsch!  Lame joke drums sound in my brain.

I make it to the rear of the cemetery and remember where to turn left.  Unfortunately, I see a few new mounds of dirt ahead of me, or at least I didn’t see them the last time I was here.  I hope they haven’t removed the flowers that were there; James’ headstone wasn’t in place yet and without the flowers I may not find the right spot.  I decide on which location would most likely be his and walk there first.  As I get closer, I’m relieved.  I recognize the flowers; I see the blue “Son” bow.  But something is different.

He has a headstone now.

My breath catches at the sight.  It seals my reality, and I have a hard time filling my lungs.

Despite this, I make it to James and force myself to take in his gravesite’s new addition.  It’s a square stone, polished black with white specks, which stands on a rectangular base of the same rock.  It’s very masculine, but looks so smooth and soft.  I’m drawn to it, and I take a step forward to kneel beside the headstone.  I touch the black rock; it is as smooth as it looks.  I trace the gray engraving with my finger:

James Henderson Davis

Beloved Son

June 11, 1990 – April 12, 2012

“They forgot to add “Soul Mate” after “Beloved Son,” I whisper.  I can’t resist the smoothness of the rock, and I lean forward to place my cheek against the top of the stone, closing my eyes.  It feels cool against my skin.  Again, I listen to the wind and the birds as I kneel there.  My heart is no longer racing.

After a few moments, I open my eyes and present the orchid.

“I brought you this,” I say aloud, and place it in front of the headstone.  “I thought you might like it.”  I position it, so it sits straight on the uneven ground.  I notice the contrast between the black stone and the fuchsia petals.  “It looks much better here.”

I sit on the ground and hug my knees to my chest.  Absentmindedly, I look down and see my hand print is still visible in the dirt, but it’s now partially marred by someone’s boot print.  They must have stepped on it when they set the stone.  I set to work recreating it; pressing my palm into the ground and taking my time creating the dirt swirls.  I decide one print isn’t enough and create another with my other hand, swirling the soil with my finger.

“I hear your voice sometimes,” I tell him and smile.  “I like it.  Could you talk to me more often please?”

Silence.

“I’m waiting.”

The James voice does not come.  I frown.  “And you always said I was the stubborn one.”

I finish my swirls then wrap my arms around my knees again.  I look up at the towering trees and the blue sky.  “It’s hard without you here.”  I pause.  “Shel’s staying with me.  She’s been trying to help, but I’m sure you’ve seen that.”  I take a deep breath.  “I hope you’ve seen that.”

I sit in silence a while longer.  My legs start to fall asleep in the position I have them in, so I adjust and sit cross-legged on the ground.  “We went to Matt’s house last night, but you probably know that too.  I bet you think what happened between Shel and Matt is pretty funny.  She feels terrible about it though.”

I don’t know exactly how long I sit there dividing my stares between the sky, his headstone, my handprints, and the ground.  The sun drops low in the sky and I guess, for now, there’s nothing more to say.  I reach out and run my fingers across the smooth stone again.

“I love you so much.”

I stand and brush dirt from my shorts.  “Take care of my flower.  It was sent by some unknown admirer.  Was it you?”  I shake my head because that could never be true.  I kiss my fingers and press them to the top of the stone.  “It’s getting late.  I’ll be back to visit you soon.”

My legs are stiff from sitting on the hard ground, making the walk back to my car a slow one.  I concentrate on my toes as I shuffle along, pondering the idea of bringing a camping chair with me the next time I visit.  I wonder if anyone has done that before.  Some gravesites have permanent benches.  Would a lawn chair be much different?

As I approach the spot where I parked, I pull my keys from my pocket and look up.  All of my muscles instantly lock; my heart stops beating.

There, leaning casually against the side of my car, is James.

Chapter 12

I blink.  Once, twice, three times.  When he doesn’t disappear, I slam my eyes shut.

He’s not real.  He’s not real.  He’s not real.  He’s not real.

My heart must have started again because it’s pounding blood through my ears.

He’s not really here.

Now I’m having visions?

Why am I having visions?

I’m having a psychotic breakdown.

Yes, that’s why.  That’s why I’m seeing my dead boyfriend leaning against my car.

What if I can’t open my eyes?

What if I can’t get home?

Why didn’t I tell anyone I was coming here?

“Breathe, Emma.”

My frozen body jerks at the sound of his voice.  It’s like he's standing directly in front of me now.  I smash my eyes together tighter and cringe.

“Emma, please breathe.”

You’re not real!

“Em, you’re scaring me.  Please breathe,” he pleads.

I’m scaring you?

“If you pass out I’m not going to be able to help you!” he begs.

I’m pretty sure I’m beyond help now.

“Emma!  Damn it!  Open your eyes and breathe!”

Make me.

And then my legs do give out.  My body meets the gravel and I am lost.

I open my eyes to darkness.  I blink a couple of times to make sure my eyes are actually open.  I can see the faint shadow of my car several feet ahead of me, but it’s sideways.  My cheek feels rough, and I realize I’m lying on the ground.  I spring to a sitting position and my head immediately begins to spin.  I hold my head in my hands until my equilibrium returns.  How long have I been laying here?

The realization hits that I have been passed out on a dark cemetery drive and I am instantly fearful.  I stand as quickly as I dare and stumble my way to the car.  I wrench the door open and fall inside, locking the doors.  I feel safer inside the vehicle.  I sit for a few moments, resting my head on the steering wheel, collecting myself.

That’s it, I tell myself as I turn the ignition.  I cannot come here alone again.

I concentrate exceptionally hard on driving as I make my way home.  I feel completely exhausted, but it isn’t even ten o’clock.  I reflect on what happened at the cemetery.  What was that?  Obviously all the emotions from today have taken their toll.

“Where have you been?” Shel demands as I enter the kitchen.  She’s sitting at the island, clutching her cell phone.  “I’ve been blowing up your phone for over an hour!”

I toss my purse on the counter and take out my phone.  Yep, fourteen missed calls and five voice mail messages.  “I’m sorry,” I mumble to her sleepily.

She stands and comes around to stand in front of me.  “Are you all right?” she asks, concern etched on her face.

What do I tell her?  I struggle for a minute and then decide on a half-truth.  “I went to visit James.”

She looks at me warily.  “And?”

“Believe it or not, I fell asleep.”

Her mouth falls open in awe.  “In the cemetery?”

I shake my head.  “Trust me; I’m just as shocked as you and completely creeped out.”

For more reasons than one.

I wrap my arms around myself and change topics.  “How was your um…visit…with Matt?”

She looks troubled and bites her lower lip.  “It went okay.”

“Just okay?”

“I think he’s a little upset with me.”

“Really?  What did he say?”

“He said everything is okay between us, but he still seemed a little peeved about the whole thing.  He wouldn’t make eye contact with me.  I got the feeling he just wanted me to go away.”

“I bet he’s more embarrassed than anything,” I encourage her.  “Give it some time.  He’ll come around.”

“I really hope so.  I feel so guilty.  I would hate for this to ruin our friendship.”

I scowl at her.  “Why is it all your fault?  As I recall, it takes two to tango.”

She lets out a small laugh.  “This is true.”

I yawn.  “Are you heading up?”

“Right behind you.”

We make our way upstairs.  Outside Mike’s room, Shel stops.  “I’m impressed that you went to the cemetery alone.”

I give her a small smile.  “Thanks.”  Little does she know that won’t be happening again anytime soon.

“Good night,” she says as she disappears through the door.

“’Night.”

When I get to my room, I close the door and lean against it in the darkness.  I feel drained; physically and mentally.

“Don’t be scared.”

All my muscles tense.  The James voice has returned.  Moving just my eyes, I look around the room frantically.

“Please don’t be afraid,” it says softly.

I can’t tell where the voice is coming from.  Is it only in my head again?  Scared to move, I fumble for the light switch.

“Don’t turn on the light,” the voice says.  “Talk to me first.”

Talk to you?  About what?

“Please Emma.  This is so hard.  Say something.”

I swallow.  What do I say?  If I cooperate with my psychosis will it leave me alone?

My voice catches in my throat and comes out in a raspy whisper.  “Wh–what do you want?”

I hear a sigh of relief.  “To be near you, always.”

I hesitate.  Now what?

“C’mon Em.  I know you have to have more questions than that.”

I go for the obvious.  “Um…are you in my head?”

The voice pauses to consider.  “Sometimes.”

“What about now?”

“No, I’m not in your head now.”

Panicked, I start to look around the room again.  “If you’re not in my head, where are you?”

“Across from you.  By the window.”

My eyes immediately zero in on that spot but I see nothing but darkness.

“I can hear your heart pounding,” the voice says.  “I’m not going to hurt you; you know I would never hurt you.”

Uncertain, I whisper nervously, “I–I know.”

“This is…it’s…there are no words to describe this.  But I am here.  I want to stay with you.”

This can’t be happening.  “How is that possible?” I ask the darkness.

“I will do everything I can to make it so,” the voice sounds determined, almost aggressive.  Then it softens.  “I’ve missed you so much.”

My fear lessens a little with those five words.  “I’ve missed you too.”

“I’m sorry…for everything,” it whispers, broken.  “I will never forgive myself for what I’ve put you through.  To see you in pain…it…it devastates me.”

My heart breaks and my arms ache to hold James.  The voice sounds so real, as if he really is here in my room with me.  My chest constricts in that all-too-familiar way.  “Hearing you helps me,” I say.  “I wish I could hear you more often.”

“I’m working on that,” the voice sighs tiredly.  “There is so much I have to learn.  It’s frustrating; I’m not very good at being patient.”

I shake my head, confused.  “I don’t understand.”

The James voice chuckles softly.  “No, you wouldn’t understand.”  It pauses and sighs again.  “I have so much to tell you.”

My heart has slowed to its regular rhythm.  I am no longer afraid.  Still searching the darkness, I say, “I want you to tell me.”

“Slowly.  I need to take things slowly.  I was in such a hurry earlier…” The voice chastises itself.  “Are you okay?  Are you hurt?”

“From falling?  No, I’m fine.”

“That was so stupid of me!  I tried to wake you, but I couldn’t…I couldn’t touch you.  I kept trying….I felt so helpless with you lying there.  But I stayed with you,” the voice hastily adds.  “I stayed with you until you woke up; I was with you the whole way home.”

“Of course you were,” I placate the voice, not wanting it to be upset.  “You are always in my head, in my heart.”

“No, no.  I was literally there.”

“How?” I ask, my doubt evident.  “How is that possible?”

“I want to show you but I don’t know if it’s wise.  Maybe later, after you’re used to speaking with me more…”

Suddenly, the urge to know overwhelms me.  What if this isn’t psychosis?  Honestly, I’m not this creative.

“I want to know,” I blurt out.  “I need to know.”

The voice hesitates, doubtful.  “I don’t know.  What if you’re not ready?  I can’t bear to hurt you again.”

Confidence surges through me unexpectedly.  “I’m ready.”

“If anything happened…”

I know it’s wrong, but I say it anyway.  “I think you owe it to me.”

The voice sighs, resigned.  “I owe you so much more.”

After a few moments of silence, just when I think I’ve lost the battle, I hear, “Turn on the light.”

I turn to the right and feel along the wall for the switch.  I flip it on and turn slowly to face the room.  What I see makes my chest want to explode with happiness.

James is here.  Literally here.  Standing across the room by the window, dressed in jeans and a polo shirt.  He looks a little pale, but otherwise he looks like my James.  My heart threatens to burst and I swallow a sob.

“You’re here,” I whisper in disbelief.

“Like I said.”  His blue eyes light up and he gives me a crooked smile.

Oh, that smile!  I want to run to him and wrap myself around him and never let go.  I take a tentative step forward.  “Can I…?” I ask permission.

“Absolutely.”

I want to launch myself at him but I force myself to walk slowly, around the bed, until I’m standing in front of him.  Looking up into his face, overwhelmed and in awe, all I can manage is “Hi.”

“Hello,” he grins down at me.  “Are you feeling faint?”

I shake my head.  “Not this time.”

“Good,” he says.

“I…I…”  I can’t seem to form a sentence anymore.

“What?”

“Can I touch you?”

His face falls.

“What’s wrong?”

“That is what I have to show you,” he frowns.  “You’re still sure?”

I nod quickly.

He closes his eyes and opens them slowly.  “Hold out your hand,” he says.

I raise my hand and hold it out to him, palm up.

Slowly, he raises his hand, and moves to set it on top of mine, as if to grasp it.  When his hand touches my skin, I feel a chill run through me.  His hand closes around my fingers.

It passes right through, as if I weren’t even there.

Chapter 13

I gasp and pull away quickly, clutching my hands together and holding them to my stomach.  I try not to appear frightened but when I look up at him, I know I failed.

He closes his eyes and his face falls.  “I’m sorry,” he whispers.

Words escape me.  “I…no…I’m okay,” I stutter.  When he doesn’t open his eyes, I start to panic.  What if he thinks it’s too much for me to handle and he leaves?  “Please look at me,” I plead.  “I’m not afraid.  I’m not.”

He opens his eyes and they reflect his worry.  “Are you sure?”

“I’m not sure exactly what I feel,” I say.  “But I know it’s not fear.”

James gives me a tiny smile and appears to relax a little.

I want to touch him so badly.  I start to reach out toward him slowly.  I can see him tense up.  “What are you doing?” he asks.

I freeze mid-reach.  “Can’t I touch you?  Now that I know?”

He looks surprised.  “I...I didn’t think you would want to.”

I smile at him, to reassure him, and continue my reach.  I lay my hand against his face, and he closes his eyes, pressing his cheek against my hand.  I feel nothing against my palm, but a chill runs through my arm, like a cool breeze.

“You feel so warm,” he sighs against my skin.

“You can feel me?”

“Just warmth,” he answers and opens his eyes, smiling.

“How does this work?” I ask him, bewildered.

James shakes his head.  “I wish I could explain it to you.  I’m still learning myself.”

“Learning what, exactly?”

“How to be a Guardian.”

I gaze at him, stupefied.  “A what?”

He smiles at me.  “There’s so much I want to tell you.”

“So tell me.”

“It’s a lot.”

“I can handle it,” I nod enthusiastically.

“I have a better idea, for tonight anyway.”  He steps closer to my bed.  “You should get to sleep.  You have to be at work in the morning, right?”

I give him an incredulous look.  “Really?  You’ve returned from the dead and you want me to go to sleep?”

He nods.

“So I won’t be late for work?”

He nods again.

“That’s not going to happen,” I cross my arms in defiance.  I’m finding it incredibly easy to fall into our old routine.

“Just get in the bed,” James scolds.

I roll my eyes at him.  “Am I allowed to change?  Or must I ‘pretend sleep’ in my clothes?”

He laughs.  “I’ve missed your stubbornness.”

Annoyed, I march to my dresser and pull some pajamas from the drawer.  “Turn around,” I order him.

“Why?”

“So I can change.”

His eyes blatantly travel from my head to my toes.  “It’s not like I haven’t seen it before.”

My face flushes.  “You weren’t a ghost before.”

“Guardian,” he corrects me.

“Whatever.  Whatever you are now, you weren’t that then.”

“I was the other day in the shower,” he winks at me.

My mouth falls open in disbelief.  That was the first time I’d heard his voice.  “You were really there?”

He nods, a big grin on his face.

The realization hits and my mouth snaps shut.  “You.  Were.  There.” I growl at him.

“What?” He looks confused.

“You should use your powers for good, not evil,” I say sarcastically.  “Spying on naked women.  You should be ashamed of yourself.”

“Naked woman,” he corrects me again.  “Singular.”

I give him a dirty look and turn my back to him.  As I change clothes a huge smile breaks across my face.  I want to hug myself.  He was really there!

“Okay,” I turn back around, now in my sleep shorts and t-shirt.

“Turn off the light,” he tells me.

Instantly I pout.  “I won’t be able to see you.”

“I’m not going anywhere, I promise.”

I sigh and walk over to flip the switch.  When I turn around, I see nothing but darkness.  I start to walk around to the side of the bed where James was standing, arms outstretched.  “Where are you?”

“I’m right here.”

His voice closer than I anticipated and it startles me.  “Geez!”

“Sorry,” he immediately apologizes.  “Now, get in the bed.”

I pull the covers back and crawl in, lying in the middle, on my side, like always.  “Now what?”

“Don’t jump,” he says calmly.

What’s he going to do?

Slowly, creeping from the top of my head, over my shoulders, along my back, and down my legs I feel the chill.  It stays there, and a branch of the chill spreads across my stomach, over my arms.  It feels cold, but also heavenly.

“What are you doing?”  I’m barely able to whisper.

“Are you all right?” he asks softly.

I nod into the pillow.

“I thought I would stay with you tonight, if that’s okay?”

A tear escapes my eye and runs down my cheek.  “It’s more than okay.”

“You’ll probably want to pull the covers over you,” he whispers in my ear.  “You might end up shivering if I keep holding you like this.”

I do as I’m told.  The warmth of the blankets and the chill of his body are the perfect balance.  My entire body wants to sing; I feel so peaceful.

“How can you do this?” I ask quietly.

“What?  Lie here?”

I nod.

“Right now, for me, it takes a great deal of concentration.  Most of my energy has to stay focused on remaining in this exact spot.”

“What do you mean ‘right now’?”

“Certain things will get easier, as time goes on.”  The chill that lies against my arm starts to move.  I visualize James running his fingers to my elbow and back down to my wrist.

“Why didn’t you reveal yourself to me sooner?”

“I wanted to, but I had to be taught how.  In the beginning, all I could do was watch you.  I wanted to show you I was still around so badly, but I had to learn to speak to you first,” he pauses then snickers.  “Your reaction in the shower was priceless.”

I try to elbow him in the gut, but my elbow hits only cool air behind me.  “I’m glad my thinking I was going insane entertained you!” I hiss quietly.

“Aw, don’t be upset.  Besides, you could only be one kind of crazy,” he teases.

“And what’s that?”

“Crazy about me, of course.”

“Oh, of course,” I say sarcastically, but I can’t help it and let out a quiet giggle.

“Talking to you is still hit or miss; I don’t know how I’ve managed to speak with you this long tonight.  It has to be tied to the manifest in some way…” his voice fades in thought.

What?  It’s hard to wrap my mind around what he’s telling me, but I’m trying to keep up.  “If things are hit or miss, how do you know you’ll be here tomorrow?”

“I’ll still be here,” he promises.  “I’m always here.  You just can’t see or hear me all the time.  Maybe it will be easier for me, now that I’ve had a successful manifest.  Obviously tonight’s attempt has gone very well,” he says, his voice full of pride.  “Garrett will be pleased, although he probably won’t be happy with how long I’ve stayed with you.”

“Who’s Garrett?” I ask, confused.

“My Guardian.”

I think I understand.  “Your teacher?”

“Both.”

“He will be angry with you?” I can’t help myself and a yawn escapes.

“He only gave me permission to try and show myself – manifest – at the cemetery,” he sighs.  “I had to talk him into letting me; it’s still very early in my learning for that big of a step.”

“Why did he allow it then?”

James laughs softly.  “I haven’t shut up about you since I...” his voice trails off.  “I think he got sick of my nagging and caved in.  And then, after you fainted, I couldn’t leave you without trying again.  I had to make sure you were all right.”

“Well, when you see him, you can tell him it’s my fault.  Thank him for me too.”

“Will do,” he says quietly.  “Now, try to go to sleep.”

My eyes pop open.  “To see him again means you have to leave?”

I feel the chill along my body grow more intense and then release, as if James hugged me and then let go a little.  “Yes, I will have to return to Garrett and my Guardian study because I’m bound to the option I chose.  But I can always find you.  As time goes on, it’ll be easier to understand.  I hope.”

I try to make sense of everything, but my mind is overwhelmed.  Option he chose?  “I think you’re going to have to write this down for me.  But I trust you.”

“Good.  Now, go to sleep.”

“No.  I just got you back.”

“Yes.”  I feel the chill intensify in a concentrated spot on my cheek and then disappear.

“Did you just kiss me?”

“Yes.”

The cool air moves against my neck, and I picture him nuzzling me there.  I lean toward the chill and smile.  “Kiss me again please.”

He complies with my request, but on my temple this time.  And then again, under my ear.

“You came back to me,” I murmur.

“We aim to please,” I can hear his smile.  “I love you,” he whispers.

“I love you too.”

“Go to sleep.”

“So demanding,” I mumble.

The chill intensifies along my body again, and eventually I allow sleep to overcome me.

Chapter 14

I’m too hot.  I break free of the blankets that are wrapped around me like a burrito.  The air outside my bed feels cooler.  A lazy smile spreads across my face as I remember last night.

My eyes fly open, and I spring upright, realizing the chill of James is gone.  I look around the room, searching.

“James?” I ask quietly.  “Are you here?”

Silence.

“James?”

Nothing.

“Say something!”

My heart sinks as I hug my knees to my chest.  A heavy feeling of loneliness settles over me.  Last night wasn’t real, was it?

Of course it was, my mind taunts me.  Your dead boyfriend returned to you as a ghost – NOT!  You’ve been Punk’d by your broken heart!

Defeated, I close my eyes and rest my forehead against my knees.  I expect the few tears that escape.  I remember the feeling of him lying next to me, his voice, his smile.  It was a wonderful delusion while it lasted.  I know I shouldn’t but I wonder how to make it happen again.

I pick my head up and wipe away the tears.  I glance at the clock.  I need to start getting ready for work, but I remain tied to my bed.

“What’s with all the drama?”

I quickly scan the room.  “James!  What…where are you?” I whisper, panicked, when I can’t find him.

“Don’t worry; I’m here.”

“Where?”

“You can’t see me right now.  Seriously Em, calm down, you’re going to give yourself a stroke.”

I take a deep breath.  “When did you leave?  Why did you leave?”

“I had to go this morning.  Listen,” he sounds distracted.  “I’d love to stay and talk right now, but I can’t.  I’ll find you later tonight, okay?”

“You promise?”

“I swear.”

“Okay,” I say quietly to the air.  “Love you.”

“Love you t…” It sounds like he’s cut off.

I finish wiping the last of my tears and think about what he said.  I pry myself out of the bed and begin to get ready for the day.  As I do, a grin slowly spreads across my face.

Last night really happened!

“All right!” Shel says, slamming her hand down on the counter.  “What’s going on?”

I look at her innocently. “What do you mean?”

“Something’s up.  You’ve had this loopy smile on your face all day and now you’re humming,” she winces.  “It’s annoying.”

I can’t help but smile at her some more.  “So now I’m too happy for you?  Make up your mind!  Happy or depressed, I can’t be both.”

She eyes me suspiciously.  “I’m forced to choose happy.”  She crosses her arms.  “So what gives?”

I want to shout from the rooftops that James has returned, but I force myself to respond in measured words.  “I’m just feeling…you know…better.”  I shrug.

“Better?” she asks.  “Just like that?”

I try to act casual, like it’s no big deal.  “Just like that.”

“I guess that’s a good thing,” she narrows her eyes and goes back to cleaning the counter top.  “But could you stop with the humming?”

“Whoa.  Somebody’s in a bad mood.”

Shel stops wiping and sighs.  “This Matt thing has me really messed up.  I can’t stop thinking about it.  I need to be sure he’s not mad at me.”

Just then, two people walk in to the main concession area.  I look past Shel and mutter, “Ask and you shall receive,” nodding toward the entrance.  Matt and his friend Dane have arrived.  My eyes catch Dane’s for a split second, and I quickly look away.  Hopefully, I can refrain from acting like an idiot today.

Shel catches my drift and looks a little surprised.  She rearranges her face to look nonchalant then turns around.

“Hey there!” she greets the guys.  Matt stands off to the side, his hands stuffed in the pockets of his cargo shorts, pretending to be interested in the posted menu.  He says nothing.

Dane gives a small wave and leans over the register slightly.  “I’m glad to see you’re feeling better,” he smiles at Shel conspiratorially.

Matt nervously clears his throat and shoots him a look out of the corner of his eye.  Dane appears to understand his unspoken message.  “We’ll have two hot dogs, please,” he orders.  “I’ll have a Coke, and, what did you want?” he asks Matt.

Matt looks up, irritated, like Dane should know better.  “The same.”

“Oh, yeah, two Cokes,” Dane smiles, and his eyes light up.  I was right the other night by the fire.  His perfectly tousled hair is dark brown and his eyes are a rich hazel.

Shel rings the order.  “That will be $8.50,” she says politely, but when she turns to me, her smile fades and her eyes widen.  “You got the dogs?” she asks as she heads to the cooler.

“Yep,” I say and turn to grab the buns.

“Hey Emma.”

I turn and give Dane an embarrassed nod.  “Hey.  Golfing today?”

James laughs sarcastically in my ear.  “No, they stopped by because this is the best restaurant in town.”

I try not to appear stunned in front of Dane again and relax my face.  I glance out of the corner of my eye to make sure James isn’t standing next to me.  He’s not.

“Yeah, figured I’d drag Matt out for the afternoon,” Dane smirks.

I finish up with the hot dogs and bring them to the counter.  “Here you go.”  I hand him the food.

“Thanks,” he takes one and hands the other to Matt, who has yet to say anything to us.

Shel returns with the Cokes and sets them on the counter to take Dane’s cash.

“So,” Dane says as he collects his change from her.  “Since you’re both here, I might as well ask.  What are you two lovely ladies doing tonight?  Care to double?” He glances at Matt with a wicked grin.  “I have some lawn furniture at my house that needs christening.”

Matt nails Dane with a murderous expression.  “Dude!”

Dane holds out his hands, “What?”

“This lovely lady already has plans tonight,” James growls over my shoulder.

Shel quickly turns to me and mouths, “What’s going on?”

I shake my head and shrug.

Matt lets out an exasperated sigh and his shoulders sag.  “Shel, can I talk to you outside for a minute?”

She rounds the counter and Matt hands his hot dog to Dane, following her outside.  Dane chuckles and takes a bite.

“What’s so funny?” I ask.

He chews then answers me.  “I’m just giving him a hard time.  Whether he wants to or not, he needs to talk with her.  He’s been sulking since Friday.”

“Really?”

Dane nods emphatically.  “He just needed a little push, that’s all.”

“That was a little push?” I smile.  “Looked more like a shove to me.”

He laughs.  “I knew he wouldn’t just stand there and do nothing if I said what I did.”

“Sneaky.”

Dane smiles, but then his look turns serious.  “Listen, I want you to know that I wasn’t asking you out for real.  I would never do that.”

I can’t help it and my face falls, hurt.  Not that I care, but that was kind of mean.

“Wait!  That came out wrong!”  His face turns red.  “Of course I want to take you out!  No!  What I mean is…”

“It’s okay,” I mutter and start to walk away.

“No!  Wait,” he reaches across the counter and grabs my arm.

James growls in my ear.

“What I meant to say was that I’m sorry about your loss,” he says in a rush.  “Matt let me know about his friend...your….James,” he finishes.  “I’m sorry.”  He looks sincere.

“It’s okay.”  I give him a weak smile and he lets go of my arm.

“Damn right,” James snaps.

Worry clouds Dane’s model-like features.  “I’m not that big of a jerk, I swear.”

“That’s debatable,” James mutters.

I shake my head at both James and Dane’s comments.  “I don’t think that.”

“You’re sure?” Dane asks.

“I’m positive.”

His face relaxes.  “Good.”

“Excuse me?” another golfer has arrived at the counter.  Dane grabs his food and drinks as he moves out of the way.

It seems like I serve quite a few more customers while Dane stands at the end of the counter, finishing off both his and Matt’s lunch.  I find it uncomfortable trying to work while he stands there looking at the TV, looking at me, back to the TV, back to me.  I glance at the clock.  Where are Matt and Shel?

Dane notices my observance of the time.  “Taking a while, aren’t they?”

“Should we be worried?”

“Nah,” he shakes his head.

The minutes pass.  I look at the clock again.  Our shift ends in fifteen minutes.  I decide to close out my drawer and get things ready for the next employee.

“You’re off at five?” Dane absentmindedly asks.

“Yep.”  I’m anxious to get home.  A shiver of excitement runs through me at the thought of seeing James again.

Dane hangs out at the end of the counter for the next fifteen minutes until Katie shows up for the evening shift.  Doesn’t he have anything better to do?  Where the hell is Shel?

“Hey, Emma,” Katie says as she comes around the corner.  “Busy today?”

“Not too bad,” I smile as I grab my bag and Shel’s things.  “Everything’s all restocked.”  I walk out from behind the counter.  “Have a good night.”

“You too,” she says and her eye catches Dane walking up to me.  She shoots me a questioning look.

“I’ll walk you out,” he says.

James’ voice sounds menacing over my shoulder.  “The hell you will!”

“Uh…that’s okay,” I stammer.  “I need to find Shel anyway; she’s my ride.”

“Funny, Matt rode with me,” he smiles.  He reaches around me and holds the door open.  “Let’s find them together.”

James snaps, “Persistent, isn’t he?”

I have to fight to keep a straight face.  Why is he acting like this?  I take two steps toward the door and wave at Katie.  “See you next week.”

She subtly nods in Dane’s direction and mouths, “He’s hot!”

I roll my eyes at her as I walk out the door.

When we get outside the pro shop, I don’t immediately see Matt or Shel.  Dane follows me as I turn and head in the direction of the parking lot.

“Any idea where they might be?” I ask him.  I really want to get home.

Dane looks around.  “Nope.  I figured they’d be right here,” he frowns.

I continue around the pro shop to where they park the golf carts.  The area is pretty empty this time of the day.  There’s no sign of them.  “Maybe they’re already by the cars?” I ask hopefully.

Dane shrugs.  “Lead the way.”

We pass the clubhouse on our way to the parking lot.  I can see Shel’s car amongst the others but no Shel or Matt.  My heart sinks.  Where are they?

I stop walking and cross my arms, looking around.  “Where could they be?” I whine.  “I really need to get home!”

“If you need to get going right now, I’ll take you,” Dane volunteers.

“I bet you will,” James seethes.

“Ah, no.  That’s okay,” I look around.  I wish James would knock it off.  He’s distracting me.

“Hey, look at it this way,” Dane says.  “Their talk must be going well.  Maybe good enough for them to disappear, if you know what I mean.”  He winks.

A loud “Ew!” escapes me before I can stop it.  Dane laughs and I can’t help but laugh along with him.

Suddenly, we hear a loud scream and our laughter is cut short.  I look at Dane panicked because I’ve heard that scream before.

Outside Louie’s Roadhouse.

It’s Shel.

In a split second Dane and I are running in the direction of the clubhouse.  We hear Shel scream again and halt.

“This way!” Dane points to the right and takes off running.

I try to keep up with him as he runs along the side of the building, but I fall behind a few feet.  He makes it to the corner before me, turns, and disappears.  I kick it into high gear to catch up with him and when I speed around the corner, I slam right into his back.

“OOOF!”  I lose my footing and fall to the ground.

“Emma!” Dane turns around.  “Are you okay?”

How embarrassing!  I blink up at him and instantly try to stand.  “Yeah, yeah, I’m fine.”

“Here, let me help you,” he reaches for my hand.

“No, I’ve got it.”

As I’m standing, Dane grabs my elbow and steadies me anyway.

“So help me…” I hear James in my ear.

I yank my arm out of Dane’s grasp.  “Thanks, I’ve got it,” I say sharper than I intended.

He looks at me concerned.  “You sure you’re okay?”

I nod and start to wipe my shorts.  “Yes, I’m fine.  Thanks,” I say softer.  The sound of laughter and splashing registers in my brain.  I look past Dane.

“Oh yeah, I found Matt and Shel,” he says and gestures over his shoulder.

Behind the clubhouse sits a large decorative pond with a waterfall and Matt and Shel appear to be wrestling each other in it.  Shel lets out another shriek as Matt throws a lily pad in her face.

I march over to the edge of the pond and give them both a scathing look.  “Do you have any idea what time it is?” I snap.

They hesitate mid-splash as they look up at me.  “Sorry,” Shel says, trying to stifle her laughter.

I sigh, crossing my arms.  “Can we go?”

“Sure, you can go,” Matt says, smiling sweetly as he walks toward me.  “For a swim!”  He reaches out, grabs my ankles, and tries to pull me into the pond.

“No!  Don’t!” I shout as I try to back away, losing my balance.

“Gotcha!” Dane grabs me from behind, underneath my arms, to keep me from the water.  I am now the rope in a tug-of-war.

“Let go!” I protest and try to twist out their hold.  The last thing I want to do is end up in pond water!  I see a mental image of how ridiculous we must look to everyone at the clubhouse.  As I start to laugh I yell, “No!  Put me down!”

Matt laughs as he reaches farther up my legs to get a better hold.  Since his is hands are wet, his grip slips, and I manage to free one leg.  I let out a victorious “Ha!”  I go to work on trying to kick my other leg free, which he is now pulling on with both hands.

Thankfully, Dane has better leverage standing outside the pond and he yanks me free of Matt’s hold.  I end up on the grass on my butt – again – and Dane falls beside me.  I lie back on the grass and hold my stomach as we convulse with laughter.

“Having fun?” James asks sadly in my ear.

I immediately feel guilty and try to compose myself.  As I sit up I catch Kris, our manager, out of the corner of my eye.  She’s accompanied by the clubhouse director and they don’t look happy.

“Um, guys?” I try to get everyone’s attention.  “Guys!”

Matt is helping Shel out of the pond by the time they make it to us.  “Just what exactly is going on here?” the clubhouse director, Jeff, asks sternly.  “The guests are complaining!”

“Sorry,” Shel says, dripping.  “I…I fell in.”

It’s a lame explanation and Jeff doesn’t buy it.  “Both of you work here, right?” he asks, pointing to Shel and me.  We nod.  He looks expectantly at Kris.

“Shel, Emma, you know this isn’t professional.  You have to know that playing in the water feature is not allowed,” she scolds us.  “People are trying to have a nice dinner over there,” she nods towards the clubhouse patio.

We look down at the ground.  Matt starts to defend us, “Listen, it’s my…”

Jeff holds up a hand to silence him.

Kris continues.  “Guys, I don’t like this, but I’m going to have to take you off the schedule for a couple of days.  I can’t have the other staff thinking this is an okay thing to do with their friends.”

Even though this is so totally not my fault, I nod and say, “I understand.”

“Wait!” Dane speaks up, coming around to the front of the group.  “Wait until I speak with my dad first; no one needs to be suspended.”

“And just who are you?” Jeff asks sarcastically.

Dane offers a hand to Jeff.  “We haven’t had a chance to meet.  I’m Dane Walker,” he says confidently.

Jeff loses the sarcastic expression and shakes Dane’s hand slowly.  “Mr. Walker’s son?”

“The same,” Dane smiles at him casually.

Shel and I look at each other, surprised.  Mr. Walker’s son?  The same Mr. Walker who owns Bay Woods?

“Dane,” Kris sighs.  “I’m sorry the girls are your friends, but this is protocol.”

“Just let me talk with my dad tonight.  I’ll have him call you,” he promises.

Kris thinks it over.  “Okay,” she concedes and looks pointedly at us.  “I’ll call you after I talk to Mr. Walker.”

We nod in understanding.  Shel mutters “Thanks” as I mutter “Sorry.”

“Nice to meet you,” Jeff grumbles to Dane and turns to follow Kris.

When the managers disappear inside the clubhouse, Matt lets out a low whistle of relief.  We all look at each other and, as giggles threaten, I walk over to pick up our things.  “Let’s go Shel, before you cause more trouble.”

“Me cause trouble?” she says indigently.  “I was pushed into the water!” She gives Matt a dirty look.

“It was a tap,” Matt defends himself.  “You’re the one who lost her balance and pulled me in with you!”

They rehash the incident as we head back to the parking lot.  “See you later,” she punches Matt good-naturedly as I hold out her purse.

“Yeah, see you,” he smiles at her.  “Bye Em.”

I wave.  “Thanks for the save back there,” I smile at Dane as I round Shel’s car.

Once inside, I ask, “So I take it everything is okay between you and Matt now?”

Shel pushes her wet bangs out of her eyes.  “Yes!  We can lay that monster to rest.”

“Explanation please.”

“He felt bad and I felt guilty.  I guess we needed some extra reassurance from each other that it was just a mistake.”  She laughs.  “I also promised to never drink anything made by his uncle again.”

“Good,” I tell her as she backs out of the parking space.  “By the way, you owe me.  I had to do the cash out and restock by myself.”

“Sorry.  At least you had Dane to talk to,” she smiles.

I give her my “oh please” look.  “What’s up with his dad owning the course?  Did you know about that?”

“Nope.”

I glance out the window as we head down the golf course drive.  “No wonder he was comfortable hanging out at the counter all afternoon.”

“Maybe it was the company,” she suggests.

I give her an annoyed look as I hear James in my ear.  “We have to talk.”

Chapter 15

Upstairs, I wait impatiently for James.  I haven’t heard him since his last comment, and it has me on edge.  I faked a headache after dinner, so I could come up to my room and pretend to lie down.  I wanted to be alone in case he decided to come early.

I pace back and forth at the foot of my bed.  Why is he acting so jealous?  Is he angry with me?  If he’s been watching me like he says, he has to know I’ve done nothing to provoke today’s interaction with Dane.

I sigh as I flop down on the bed.  I peek at the clock.  It’s almost ten.  Where is he?

My cell phone rings and I get up to answer it.  It’s Bay Woods.

“Hello?”

“Hi, Emma.  It’s Kris.  Sorry to call so late.”

“That’s okay.  What’s up?”

“I’ve just talked to Mr. Walker.  You and Shel are not on for tomorrow, but you will be allowed to work what we had scheduled for the rest of the week.  Sound okay?”

I sigh in relief.  “Thank you, I really appreciate it.  And I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry too, kid.  Honestly, none of this would have happened if it wasn’t for that uppity Jeff.  I would have just told you to quit it and not do it again.  Seriously, I think he’s trying to prove something because he’s new.”

I laugh.

“Anyway, would you save me another call and let Shel know?”

“Yes.  I’ll go tell her right now.”

“Okay.  Thanks, Emma.  See you Tuesday.”

“Yep, see you then.”

I hang up and leave to find Shel.  Turns out she’s in the shower, so I shout the information to her through the cracked bathroom door.  When I return to my room, I close the door behind me and sigh.

“Hi.”

I jump and turn around.  James is sitting on my bed.

“Hi!”  I’m so excited to see him, I forget my earlier brooding.  I skip over to stand in front of him.  “Where have you been?”

He smiles.  “Sorry to keep you waiting.”  He reaches for me and I place my hands in his gently.  The cool feeling spreads through my hands and up my arms.  I smile then sit down next to him, still holding his hands.

“How was your day?” I whisper to him.  The last thing I need is for my parents or Shel to hear me.  They’ll think I’m talking to myself.

He frowns.  “Disturbing.”

“How so?”

He cocks an eyebrow at me.  “Who’s your new friend?”

My face twists.  “Who?  Dane?  He’s Matt’s friend, not mine.”

He looks at me skeptically.

“What?  You’re seriously not jealous, are you?”

No answer.

“Listen, if you’ve been watching me you know I did nothing –”

James cuts me off.  “I know.”  He releases one of my hands and rubs his eyes.  “I know.”

“Then what’s the problem?”

“I don’t like him...touching you.  Or Matt.  Either one of them touching you makes me crazy.”  He looks at me and sighs.

“Why?  You know I don’t like it.”

“Because I can’t,” he says softly.  “I don’t like it because I can’t touch you.”

His admission breaks my heart.  To make him feel better, I place both of my hands on either side of his face.  He closes his eyes as a small smile appears on his lips.  “You really are warm.”

“See, we can touch each other,” I say quietly.

As he opens his eyes he reaches up and circles my wrists.  “It’s not the same.”

“Given our situation, I’ll take it,” I reassure him.  I move my hands through his and place them against his chest.  “I’ll take whatever you’re able to give.”

His eyes soften, and he leans forward to kiss me.  I feel the cool concentration on my lips and I kiss him back; focusing on moving my mouth with the cold air.  Chills course through my body.

When the feeling disappears, I open my eyes to see him smirking at me.

“What?  You kissed me!”

“I’m just imagining what that would look like if someone walked in on us,” he grins.

I laugh quietly.  “Yeah, explaining that would be….hard.”

After a moment, his expression turns serious.  “I love you.”

“I love you, too.  Don’t be jealous.”

“Easier said than done,” he says.

“Well, try not to be.  I don’t plan on spending any alone time with anyone other than you.”

He looks at me longingly and reaches up to try and push a stray piece of hair from my face.  It doesn’t move.  He frowns in frustration.

“Can you do that?” I ask.  “Move things?”

“Not yet, apparently,” he says.  “Physical manipulation takes the longest to learn.”

“Haven’t you been practicing?”

“Not so much.  Speaking and manifestation come first.”

“Oh.  Well, you’re doing a really good job.  I heard every comment you made today.”

“No, you didn’t.”  His eyes harden.  “If you did, I doubt you’d be speaking to me right now.”

My mouth falls open.  “What did you say?”

“I just called your friend some choice words is all,” he mutters.

“James!” I hiss.  “Be careful!  It’s hard for me to control my reaction when I hear you as it is!”

His eyes light up.  “I know.  It’s fun.”

I playfully smack his arm and my hand passes right through.

“You’ll get used to it,” he reassures me. “So,” he looks into my eyes, “what do you want to do tonight?”

I tilt my head in curiosity.  “What are my options?”

“Well, I already planned on staying with you, if that’s okay.”

“And we could practice the kissing thing,” I suggest enthusiastically.

James shakes his head and smiles.

“What?”

“I didn’t think you would take this so well.  Most people would be scared to death.”

“I’m not most people,” I pause as my throat thickens.  “We’re soul mates.”

James nods, but his smile falls as his eyes cloud over.

“What is it?” I ask.

“There are some things you need to know about being a Guardian.”  His tone is somber.

A million possibilities start to bloom in my mind.  “Like what?” I ask, worried.

James looks pensive, like he regrets what he said.  He moves away from me and stands.  “You should get ready for bed.”

“What?  You’re not changing the subject,” I object and stand to face him.  “Tell me.”

“Don’t you have to work tomorrow?”

“No.  I have the day off courtesy of Matt and Shel turning the pond into a water park.”

He shakes his head.  “Get in the bed.”

“And then you’ll tell me?” I’m not dropping this.

“Yes.”

Within seconds I’ve changed my clothes.  I turn off the light, jump into bed, and just like last night, James assumes the same position behind me, pressing his chest against my back.  I wrap my comforter around us.

“Wow.  When I said ‘jump’ you never said ‘how high’ before.”

“Start talking.”

I feel him kiss my cheek.  “Pushy much?” he asks quietly.

Turning my head, I look at the darkness over my shoulder, where I know his face is.  I softly ask him “Please” and hear a resigned sigh.

“What did you mean?  Are we not soul mates?” I whisper, my voice breaking.

“We are,” he holds me tighter.  “Don’t worry; we are.”

“So what’s with all the drama?” I ask, quoting him from this morning.

James is silent for a moment.  “Em, this is all I can give you.”

My response is immediate.  “Like I said, I’ll take whatever you can offer.”

“How can you be sure this is what you want?”

I shift my body to lie on my back.  “I’ll always want you.”

He counters.  “I can’t touch you.”

“Yes, you can.”

“I can’t marry you.”

“I don’t care.”

“We can’t have kids.”

“I’ll adopt.”

He lets out a heavy sigh.  “I can’t give you things.”

“I’ve never been materialistic.”

“We can’t grow old together.”

“Who’s getting old?” I scowl.

I feel James pull away, and I imagine him propped on his elbow, looking down at me skeptically.  “So you’re telling me, at the age of 21, you know without a doubt that you want to spend the rest of your life unmarried, celibate, and without children of your own?  You want to be the crazy old cat lady who sits on her front porch talking to herself until I can be with you again?”

“I wouldn’t be talking to myself,” I dispute him.  “I’d be talking to you and…” Something he said stops me.  “Wait.  What do you mean ‘until I can be with you again’”?

James says nothing.

“It’s when I die, isn’t it?” I whisper, the finality of the thought sinking in.  “We can be together when I’m dead.”

James inhales sharply.  “It’s not that easy.”

“Tell me how it works then.”

Silence.  Not being able to see his face to read his reactions is frustrating.  I can’t take it anymore and I lean through him, a cold chill passing through to my bones.  I shiver and turn on the bedside lamp.

“What are you…?” he starts.

I pass back through him to lie down on my back.  There he is, just like I thought, propped on his elbow, looking down at me.

“I need to see you,” I say quietly.

James gives me a sad, broken look.  “I don’t ever want to think of you dead.”

I mirror his sad expression.  “It happens to everyone, eventually,” I say gently.  Propping myself up to look him in the eye, I ask, “How does it work?”

James looks at me intently, seriously, then reaches out and touches my cheek, running two fingers from my temple to my chin.  “When the time comes for you to pass,” he closes his eyes and blanches at the thought, “I will be allowed to give up my Guardianship to be with you, if you so choose.”

My mouth falls open in surprise.  “Really?”

He opens his eyes as he nods.  “You are my true love.  Only a true love can release a Guardian.”

“So it’s all up to me?”

“Well, yes; I mean it’s a mutual decision, but…”

“But...?”

“It rarely ever happens.”

“I will choose to be with you,” I say, determined.

James shakes his head.  “Not so fast.”  He pauses and sighs.  “How do I put this?”

Impatiently awaiting his answer, I sit up and face him.

“I left you unexpectedly,” he frowns.  “I will never love again the way I was able to love you; you will be it for me.”

Tears prick my eyes.  I reach for his hand, and he sits upright, facing me, our fingers intertwined.

“You have a lot of life left to live,” he says softly, looking at our hands.  “You will find love again, as do most people who lose someone.  You will build a life with this person; a life you can never have with me.”  He looks into my eyes.  “It’s very rare for a person to pass then choose to spend eternity with their first love, Guardian or not.  People usually choose to spend eternity with the one they are the most tied to; the one they have the most memories with.”

“I have the most memories with you,” I reassure him.

“For now.  But that’s what I meant with the questions before.  Do you think you’re going to be able to live a long, full life alone?  Unable to tie yourself to anyone else?  No partner, no kids – waiting for me?  I don’t think so.”

The idea of falling in love with someone else is absurd.  “I’m not going to find anyone else.”

James shakes his head, frustrated.  “Emma, you can’t know that.”

“I’m not going to have this fight with you,” I say calmly.  “There is a way for us to be together one day.”  I lean forward, so we’re nearly nose to nose.  “I will choose you.”

James’ face softens slightly as he gives me a sad smile.

“What is it?”

“I’m not going to lie.  I love hearing you say that.”

“Get used to it,” I smile and lean in to him.

I feel the cold concentrate on my lips.  It stays there and moves against me for a few moments, then travels to the corner of my mouth, along my jaw, then trails down my neck.  When he reaches my collarbone, a shiver runs through my entire body, making me jump.

James laughs.  “Chilly?”

“Just the opposite,” I admit, blushing.

James wraps me in his arms, kissing the top of my head.  “What am I going to do with you?” he laughs softly against my hair.

“Stop doubting my love,” I say against his chest.

He pulls away to look at me.  “I don’t doubt that you love me,” he says sincerely.  “I’m just not sure I’ll be able to keep up with the competition.”

I grimace as I let out an exasperated sigh.  “There is no competition!”

He gives me a wary look.

“Let’s not talk about that anymore,” I say as I move back and rest against the pillows.  “Come here,” I reach for him.

James relaxes and shifts to lie down with me, folding himself into my arms.  He lays his head against my chest and holds me as our legs intertwine.  I reach down to pull up my comforter again.  I lie there, mindlessly running my fingers through his hair, amazed that I’m able to do this.  My hand feels no texture, only cool air, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.

After a few moments, James sighs contentedly.  “I’ve missed this.”

“Me too.”  We used to spend hours wrapped like this while we watched television or just talked.  It’s so comfortable, I yawn.  “Will you be able to visit me tomorrow?” I ask.

“I think I can arrange that.”

A grin spreads across my face and I can’t help but sound excited.  “We have the whole day.”

“Does that make you happy?” he teases.

“Very.”

“Do you want to turn off the light?” he asks, shifting to look up at me.

I gaze at him.  The fact that I am able to look at him, look into those blue eyes again, astounds me.  Without the light, I won’t be able to see him.  “No,” I whisper.

He smiles and kisses my nose.  “Good night.”

“Good night.”

James lays his head back down.

“I love you,” I say.

“Until the end of forever,” he murmurs against my chest.

Chapter 16

“I’m here.”

I hear James’ voice as soon as my eyes open.  I look around the room and it appears I’m alone.

“I didn’t want you to freak out like yesterday,” he teases.

“When can I see you?”

“Soon.”

“Soon?  Don’t they tell time where you are?” I ask, annoyed.

James laughs.  “Wake up on the wrong side of the bed?”

“No,” I pout.  “I woke up alone.”

“I’ll work on that,” he promises.  “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“Watch out for…”

Silence.  “What?”  No response.  “James?  Watch out for what?”

No answer.  He must be gone for now.  I sigh and roll out of bed.

After breakfast, I was recruited by my parents to help in the yard, which I didn’t mind because it passed the time.  Shel decided to spend our unpaid vacation day with her mother and attend a family Memorial Day get-together.  By mid-afternoon, with the yard work done and Shel away, I was starting to get bored and impatient.  Even with my brother and Kate stopping by for our small barbeque, I was still distracted, waiting for James.

I stare out over the backyard, thinking.  Would we do more of the same today?  What excuse could I use to abandon my family, so I could spend time with him?  What if he doesn’t show up until tonight?  My heart sinks at the thought.  I want to spend as much time with him as possible.  This waiting is killing me. I need to know more about him, like what his limitations are, when he can come and go, things like that.  I start to compile a mental list of questions.

“Hello?  Earth to Emma.”

I blink and refocus to see Kate waving her hand in front of my face.  The movement makes her mousy brown ponytail bob.

“Are you finished?” she asks, reaching for my plate.

I look at the half-eaten hamburger.  “Yeah, sure, thanks.”

“Everything okay?” she asks as she stands.

Little does she know that things are so much better than the last time I saw her.  I smile.  “Yes, things are great.  Just a little bored, I guess.”

Kate looks surprised by my response, but smiles at me anyway.  “If you want something to do, why don’t you take Jake for a walk?” she suggests.  “I think he’s tired of being tied up.”

I look over at Jake, Mike and Kate’s yellow lab puppy, lying under the shade of our big maple tree.  He’s about three months old and so darn cute.  “Yeah, I think I’ll do that.  Thanks,” I say and head over to untie Jake.  “I’ll take him over to the park.”

“’Kay.  Make sure you take a poop bag,” she says over her shoulder as she heads into the house with our plates.

“C’mon Jake,” I bend down to meet him as he jumps up.  I scratch behind his ears and ask him in a silly baby voice, “Who wants to go for a walk?”  He licks my hand.  I untie the leash, grab a plastic bag from Kate’s purse, and head to the park.

I follow Jake’s wagging tail as we head up the road and across the street.  When we get to the park, the main beach is crowded for the holiday.  Every picnic table near a grill is occupied, the small play area is teeming with kids, and a line has formed outside the concession stand.

“Let’s go this way, Jake,” I steer him to the left.  “You’ll like the trail.”

Jake and I start our walk on the main nature trail that circles the park.  I laugh to myself as he investigates – and pees on – just about everything.  He’s excited and yanks my arm forward several times.  There is no leisurely pace with him.  “You’re going to wear me out,” I lightheartedly scold him.  “But I forgive you because you’re cute.”

“You’re pretty cute yourself.”

I turn around to see James standing a few feet away, smiling at me.  A huge grin breaks across my face.

“You’re here!”  I say, my voice filled with relief, as he walks toward me.  When he gets within reach, he wraps his cool arms around my waist and kisses my forehead.

“Hello.”

“Hi,” I breathe.

He smiles down at me.  “Babysitting?”

“Just taking Jake for a walk to pass the time.”

James takes a step back in order to kneel down.  He reaches toward Jake.  “Hey there buddy,” he says playfully.

Jake turns his head to look at James, and then trots over to where he’s kneeling.  To my amazement, he licks James’ outstretched hand and jumps up slightly, begging to be scratched.  James obliges, but it doesn’t appear that Jake feels it.

“He…You…he…” I stutter.

James grins up at me.  “Yep,” he answers my unasked question.

“How?”

James finishes petting Jake and stands.  “Haven’t you ever heard that animals have a sixth sense?”

I give him a confused look.

“Let’s walk,” he suggests.

As Jake leads us down the trail, two older women pass us in the opposite direction.  They smile at Jake and then at me, oblivious to James.  Once the ladies are out of ear shot, I whisper, “Why can’t they see you?”

His hand slides into mine, and the cool feeling radiates up my arm.  “Because I only have permission to reveal myself to you.”

I smile; his reason makes me feel special.  “What have you been doing?” I ask.

“A little of this, a little of that.”

“Can’t you tell me?”

“What do you want to know?”

I give him an annoyed look.  “Like only a million things.”

“Just a million?” he teases.

We come up on a bench set to the side of the nature trail next to a sign about indigenous plants.  I head to it and take a seat, then look at James expectantly.  “If I ask you some questions will you give me answers?”

“I’ve been waiting for an inquisition.”  He sits next to me and places his hand on my knee.  “Fire away.”

I watch Jake wind his leash around the bench leg as I retrieve my mental list of queries.  “How did you become a Guardian?”

James’ expression turns distant.  “Garrett.  Garrett gave me the choice.”

“Garrett, your Guardian?” I ask.

He nods.

“What were your choices?” I ask softly.

“To become a Guardian or continue on to Heaven.”

My eyes light up at the thought.  “Heaven exists?”

James nods.

“Why didn’t you choose Heaven?  Why get a choice at all?”

James pauses, thinking, as his thumb traces a cold circle on my knee.   “I was given a choice because I was a Ward with a life well-lived…a Ward who died before he was supposed to.  Garrett told me that I could choose to become a Guardian, live in the Intermediate, and watch over my loved ones...watch over you.  So I bound myself to the choice, despite the consequences.”

I blink.  “What consequences?  What’s a Ward?”

He smiles.  “All humans are Wards.  You are a Ward.”

“Are you my Guardian?”

“No, but you have one.”

“Does everyone have one?”

“Yes.”

“Have you met mine?”

James looks amused.  “Yes.”

This is intriguing.  “Who is it?  Is it someone I know?”

“I’m not allowed to share that information.  But it’s someone you’ve never met.”

He removes his hand from my knee and drapes his arm around my shoulders.  The chill that glides down my spine feels like an icy stream of water and it distracts me.  I pause to think.  James waits patiently, brushing his fingers back and forth over my skin.

“Can you tell me who your Ward is?” I finally ask.

He shakes his head.  “I don’t have one.”

“Why not?”

“I haven’t completed my training.”

Jake bumps my foot, and I bend over to unwind his leash.  “So, what is it that you do for us Wards?” I ask as I work at unwinding Jake.

“We guide and protect you.”

“Like Guardian Angels?”

“Similar.  Minus the wings.”

When Jake is successfully unwound, I sit back up.  “Do other people see and hear Guardians?”

“It’s up to a Guardian how they want to reveal themselves, if at all,” he explains.  “I reveal myself only to you, but once I’m trained I can appear to others if necessary.  You’ve heard of people called mediums, right?  People who interact with the dead?”

I nod.

James smiles.  “They are interacting with Guardians.”

My mouth falls open.  “Really?”

He nods.  “Most Guardians work invisibly though.  You know the feeling you sometimes get when you know something is wrong or off?  Like your conscience tells you ‘this might be dangerous?’”

“Guardian?” I guess.

“Right,” James says.

“Your intuition is really your Guardian?”

“Yes.”

I think I’m catching on to this and start guessing.  “Déjà vu?”

“Guardian.”

“Pre-cognition?”

“Guardian.”

“Creepy feeling that you saw something move out of the corner of your eye and nothing’s there?”

“Guardian.”  James grins.  “Pretty cool, huh?”

I nod and Jake bumps my foot again.  “Geez, Jake, could you stay in one spot?” I start to unwind him.

“He needs to walk.  Let’s keep going,” James says and stands.

With Jake freed, we continue around the nature trail, following the freshly mowed curve.  James walks by my side with his arm around my waist.  I know it’s not the most ideal situation, but I could really get used to this.  We walk in silence, enjoying each other’s company, until another question pops into my mind.

“What determines how long you can visit me?”

“Not what, who.  Garrett calls me back when I have to go.”

“What do you have to leave me for?”

“I’m in training, remember?”

“Oh yeah, the consequences.”

James stops walking.  I take a few steps and turn around.  “What is it?”

His expression turns serious and his blue eyes darken.  He takes two strides toward me, so we’re standing nearly nose to nose.  He gazes at me intently.  “I chose to be a Guardian so I could stay near you,” he says quietly.

“Thank you,” I whisper.

“When I’m assigned a Ward, I won’t be able to spend as much time with you,” he admits.

“When will that be?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well, we’ll make the most of our time while we have it.”  I reach up to place my hand against the side of his face.  “It’s too bad you can’t be my Guardian.  We could spend every day together.”

James shakes his head no.  “There are rules.”

“Rules?”

His hand slides under my chin and instinctively I lean forward.  He places a gentle kiss on my lips.  “Guardians cannot be romantically involved with their Wards.  If I were your Guardian, I could no longer love you, and you could not release me from my Guardianship when you die.  Do you know how excruciating it would be for me to guide and protect you without being allowed to love you?”

Tears unexpectedly spring to my eyes.  “Why is it so bad to love your Ward?”

“Guardians care for their Wards like a brother loves a sister.  Anything stronger would cloud a Guardians judgment.  A Ward must lead a life well-lived by making decisions on their own; I would be too tempted to intervene.  Wards require guidance, not intervention.”

I search his face.  “Are there any other rules I should know about?”

“I’m bound to be a Guardian for eternity.  There will be no Heaven for me.”

“Until I release you,” I remind him.  “I’m your true love, remember?”

“If you release me,” he says softly, his eyes giving away his worry.

“Hey, I thought we already discussed this,” I gently chastise him.  “I will choose you.”

James gives me a sad smile.  “We’ll see.”

A young couple rounds the corner of the trail walking hand in hand.  I turn abruptly to adjust my stance and pull Jake’s leash to get his attention.  I steal a glance at James, and we start to walk up the trail again.

“Have you gone to see your parents?” I whisper once the people have passed us.

He wraps his cool arm around my waist.  “I’ve checked in on them.”

“How are they?”

James doesn’t immediately respond.  I look up to find his face impassive, his jaw tense.  “They are in denial,” he says flatly.

“Denial?”

His eyes lock on mine.  “There is no excuse for what they said to your parents,” he says sharply.  “No excuse for their insensitive comments or their assumptions.”

My chest constricts with sadness and guilt.  Of course he would know about their visit.  He shouldn’t be angry with them.  I did freak out at his funeral; I do blame myself for his accident.  I look down and concentrate on Jake.  “They are right, you know.”

“Right about what?”

I glance up at him; afraid to admit what I know is true.  My chest tightens further and my lungs feel like they might burst.  “I think they blame me for your accident just like I blame myself,” I whisper.  The tears I was able to hold back earlier start to roll down my face.

“What?  Emma that’s insane!” James sputters.

I close my eyes to avoid his twisted expression.  I hastily wipe away the tears in case someone else passes us on the trail.  “Well it’s true.”

“It is not!  How could you even think that?” His voice sounds panicked and I feel him grab my arms.  “Emma!  Look at me!”

I make myself look up.  Pain is written across his face, and he tries to wipe away my tears but can’t.  He groans in frustration.  “The accident was my fault and my fault alone.”

“You wouldn’t have fallen asleep if I’d gone with you.”  My voice breaks.  “You asked me to go with you.”

He wraps his arms around me.  “You can’t think that.  I won’t let you.”

I don’t know how long we stand together, his arms wrapped around me while tears pour down my face.  Jake wraps his leash around my feet while I imitate stone.  Everything I’ve felt over the last month overwhelms me.  The sadness of losing James, the immense blame I’ve placed on myself, dealing with Shel and work, the joy of his return.  Figuring out where we go from here.  It’s a long list of conflicting emotions.  “I’m sorry,” I apologize through my tears.

“Do not be sorry,” James demands.  “I won’t allow it.  If anyone is sorry it’s me,” he releases my body to look into my eyes.  “It’s me.”

I wipe my face and try to compose myself.  I take a shaky breath and untangle my feet from Jake’s leash.  “We should keep going.  Mike and Kate are going to think I abducted Jake.”

James gives me a heartbreaking look.  “Please don’t blame yourself anymore,” he pleads.

I inhale another shaky breath and nod.  I’m not making any promises.

James grasps my hand as we walk along the trail in silence.  We circle the park and finish the trail, ending where I began.  I feel the coolness around my hand intensify; he’s squeezing my hand.  I look up at him, and he gives me a small smile.  “Do you want me to stay?”

I try to squeeze his hand back and end up digging my nails into my palm.  “Without question.”

Jake trots happily ahead of us as we cross the street and head up my driveway.  I catch a glimpse of Shel’s car, and see her talking with my family.  As we get closer, I notice she has something in her hands and the trunk is open.  I catch their attention and Shel turns toward me.  She’s holding her suitcase and she looks upset.

She’s leaving.

Chapter 17

I pick up the pace.  “What’s going on?” I call out to her.

Shel sets her suitcase down and bends over to pet Jake, who makes it to her before I do.  “Hi Jakey,” she says as she gives him a good scratch behind his ears.  She looks up at me and sighs.  “It’s my uncle.”

“Your uncle?”

“My mom’s oldest brother,” she says as she stands up.  “He lives in Arizona; we got the call at the picnic.  He’s sick and not doing well at all.”

“Oh no.”

“Yeah, like they are calling in Hospice not-doing-well,” she says with a frown.  “My mom needs to head to Scottsdale to take care of some things, and she doesn’t want to go alone.  Guess who was nominated to go with her?”

“Shel to the rescue again, huh?”

“Bingo.”

“Aw, I’m so sorry,” I tell her.

“I’m sorry I have to leave.  Trust me, I’d much rather stay here.”

“Your mom needs you,” my mother says, concerned.  She takes Jake’s leash from me and then turns to give Shel a hug.  “Thank you for staying with us,” she says sincerely.  “You let your mother know if she needs anything to give us a call.”

“I will,” Shel smiles at my mom.

“Take care Shel,” my dad says warmly and pats her shoulder.  “Safe travels.”  He walks with my mom over to Mike and Kate with Jake.  Jake’s excited to see his parents.

I steal a glance at James, who is still standing by my side.  He gives me a small encouraging smile as Shel picks up her suitcase and tosses it in the trunk.

“When are you leaving?” I ask her.

“Tomorrow.  My mom is looking at flights now,” she sighs.  “I mean it, Em, I hate leaving you like this.  I’ve only been here two weeks.”

“It’s okay,” I reassure her.  “I’ll be fine.”  Because James is here, my mind says.  “You worked your ‘whip-Em-back-into-shape’ magic pretty quickly,” I tease.  “How long do you think you’ll be gone?”

“Hard to say,” she shrugs and closes the trunk.  “I guess you never know with these things.  I’ll keep in touch though, keep you updated.”

“Sounds good.  Are you sure you got everything?”

“Pretty sure,” she gives me a weak smile.  “I left a message for Kris at the course.  When you see her will you tell her I’m sorry for quitting?”

“No problem.  It’s not going to be the same without you.”  I give her a hug, and she hugs me back tightly.

When we part she holds me at arm’s length and looks me in the eye.  “Are you sure you’re going to be okay?”

“I’m positive.  You can call me every day if you want to.”

“Don’t put it past me,” she threatens.

I follow her as she walks to the car door and opens it.  “Have a safe trip.  Call me when you get there.”

Shel climbs into the car.  “Will do,” she smiles up at me.

As I close her door, she waves.  I take a step back as she starts the engine and wave slowly in return as I watch her head down the driveway, turn left, and then disappear.

Shel arrived safely in Arizona the following evening.  She immediately called to let me know how hot it was, how awkward it was, and how bored she would be.  I reassured her that she could call me at any time to relieve her boredom or to vent her frustration.  Shel and her mother have never been what you would call close, and she was never particularly close to her ailing uncle either.  That she was put in this situation at all was odd at best.

“Hang in there.  This is your go-to-Heaven deed,” I encouraged her, smiling as James ran his cool fingers up and down my arm as I spoke into the phone.  I wish I could tell her that Heaven was indeed real – and my piece of it was sitting right here next to me.

I filled my days with work and James.  Kris wasn’t too impressed about Shel’s abrupt departure from Bay Woods, especially since business was picking up with the string of nice weather we were having.  Katie and I started to pick up some additional hours, which meant overtime for me, until Kris could hire someone new.  I didn’t mind; the time passed quickly and busy days meant I would see James that much sooner each night.

It was easier for James to visit me at night, easier for me to be able to talk with him without my parents hearing and becoming suspicious.  We developed a routine.  I’d race home from work, James would appear in my room, and I’d instantly fold myself into him.  We’d spend the night talking for hours.  Before I knew it, a week had passed since Shel left.  I’d only spoken to her once, apart from the short text here and there; I was so wrapped up in James and in work.

Shel’s irritation with me was apparent when I checked my voice mail this afternoon.

“Hey Emma, it’s me.  I’m at the hospital waiting for mom to finish up with Uncle Tom’s appointment.  Call me.”

“Me again.  I’m still waiting; it’s been a half hour.  Call me; I’m bored.”

“ Ooookay, we’re back at the house now.  Call me.  Bye.”

“Emma?  Where are you?  You could have at least texted me by now.  Is something wrong? Call me as soon as you get this.  I mean it!”

“Seriously?!”

“EMMA LYNN DONOHUE.  Don’t make me call your mother!”

That last message was left around 3:30.  It’s after 5.  I quickly dial Shel.  Pick up, pick up, pick up, I silently chant.  Unfortunately, I get her voice mail.

“Hi Shel, it’s me!  I’m sorry, I didn’t hear my phone.  I’ve been at work, really busy.  Call me when you can!  I’ll have my phone glued to my hip, I promise!  Hope the hospital wasn’t too bad.  How’s your uncle doing?  Call me soon. ‘Kay, ‘Bye!”

My message comes out in a rush and I hang up.  I pray she didn’t call my house, although I know my mother should have nothing negative to say.  My parents appear happy that I’m happy.  They haven’t questioned my erratic schedule or evenings in seclusion…yet.

I sigh and switch my phone to vibrate, shoving my phone into my pants pocket.  There’s no way I’m missing her return call.

I look up to see Kris and, to my surprise, Dane standing in front of me at the concession counter.  I haven’t run into him in over a week, since the pond incident.  I smile at them.  “Hey, guys.”

“We have a temporary solution to our staffing problem,” Kris says, obviously relieved.  She places her hand on Dane’s shoulder.  “Dane here has agreed to fill in until I can find a suitable applicant.”

Dane grins at me as he leans casually against the counter.  I force my smile to remain in place.  Dane working here?  James is going to freak!

“That’s great,” I say slowly through my forced expression.  I glance at Dane and he looks amused by my hesitation.

“Good.  I’m going to have you start training him tomorrow morning,” Kris says, producing a clipboard and jotting some notes.

Me?  “Oh, ah, he needs training?”

Kris nods.  “I figure you two already know each other and you’ve been here the longest of my new hires,” she explains.  She finishes writing, looks up, and smiles.  “See you two tomorrow morning around nine,” she says and walks away.

I stare after her stupidly.  How can I get out of this?  Excuse me, Kris?  This isn’t going to work.  Not that I have a problem with Dane per se, but, um, my dead boyfriend does.

“So,” Dane smiles from across the counter.  “Tomorrow at nine then?”

I rearrange my face to look less apprehensive.  “I guess so.  If you don’t mind my asking, why would you need training?  Your dad owns the course, right?”

He shrugs.  “I’ve never worked here though.”

“Why not?”

“It never interested me before.”

Dane flashes his cocky grin, and I try to keep the shocked expression off my face.  There’s no doubt in my mind that he uses that perfect smile as a weapon and I refuse to be flustered.  “Oh, well, that explains it.”  I start to busy myself by needlessly checking the condiments.  I know they’re full; I just filled them less than ten minutes ago.

Dane glances at the time.  “Gotta go,” he says, backing away.  “See you in the morning,” he waves good-naturedly as he leaves.

I give him a small nod.  When he’s gone I let out a sigh of defeat.  “I’m sorry,” I whisper to the air, to James, in case he’s listening.

“It’s not your fault,” I hear him in my ear.

I smile in relief.

“But that doesn’t mean I’m happy about it.”

I shoot an irritated look to no one.

At the end of my shift, I make quick work of my close-out, happy to be on my way home to James.  When I get to my car, I notice something is off, but can’t place it right away.  Confused, I walk around the vehicle.  My mood instantly bottoms out when I realize I have a flat tire.

“That’s just great!” I exclaim and kick the rubber.  I reach into my pocket to call home to ask if my dad can come help me.  I have no idea how to change a tire.

“Something the matter?”

I look up to see Matt walking from the direction of the club house.  What is this?  Reunion day?

“My tire is flat,” I complain.  “I’m calling home to see if my dad can come help.”

“No worries,” Matt says, approaching me.  “I can change it for you.”

“Really?”

Matt nods and smiles.  “Really.  It’s one of those things they teach you in Man School.”

I laugh and raise my eyebrows.  “Man School?”

“Open the trunk,” he instructs me.

Matt makes quick work of finding and releasing my spare.  He locates the lug wrench and jack, and goes to work on removing my flat.

“Wow,” I watch him, impressed.  “Even if I did know how to do this, I don’t think I could.  I don’t have the strength.”

He remains fixated on his task.  “Oh, I don’t know,” he places the spare tire on the car and starts to tighten the first lug nut.  “You seem pretty strong to me.”

Huh?

He tightens up the three remaining nuts and wipes his forehead with his arm.  “That should hold you until you get home,” he says as he turns to stand.  “You should probably take it slow though.  Nothing over 30,” he advises.

“Got it.”

Matt bends down, grabs my flat tire, and steps around the bumper to lift it into the trunk.  “Oh, here’s your problem,” he says.

I peer around him.  “What?”

“Your tire is split here.”  He points to a horizontal slice in the wall of the tire about an inch and a half long.  “That’s weird.  I wonder how that happened.  Brush up against any curbs or anything?”

“No, not that I’m aware of.  Why?”

Matt shrugs.  “It’s just an odd place for a leak.  Usually it’s a leaky valve or a nail in the tread.”

I can’t help but tease him.  “Listen to you, Mechanic Matt.  And I thought you just filled in at the veterinary clinic.”

He gives me a sarcastic look.  “You know, I can put the flat tire back on the car too.”

“No, no,” I protest.  “I like the spare.”

“That’s what I thought,” he smirks and places the tire in my trunk.  “At the risk of sounding too mechanic-y,” he turns to me, “your leak can’t be patched.  You’ll have to buy a new tire.”  He slams the trunk closed.

“Figures,” I frown.  “Oh well, I’m working for a reason, right?”

“Guess so,” he smiles as he wipes his hands on his khakis.  His hand leaves a big grease smear by the pocket.

“Awww!”

“What?”

“Now you’ve ruined your pants because of me,” I step forward to point out the stain.

Matt looks down at the grease, then back at me.  “That does it.  Now you owe me pants,” he says with mock disdain.

“I’m really sorry.”

“Here,” he undoes the button on his shorts and then goes for the zipper.  “The least you can do is wash them for me.”

“Oh good God, what are you doing?” I blurt out and cover my face, dropping my car keys in the process.

Matt bursts out laughing.  After a moment I hear the clink of metal as he picks up my keys.  “You can uncover your face now,” he chuckles.

I peer between my fingers.  He’s standing in front of me, holding out my keys.  I drop my hands and grab them quickly.  “That wasn’t funny,” I tell him.  I try not to smile, but I fail.  It was funny.  It reminds me of something James would do.

“Well, now that I’ve thoroughly embarrassed you,” Matt smiles, “I guess I’ll see you around.”

“’Bye,” I say and head to my car door.  I stop, realizing something, and turn back around.  “Matt?”

“Yeah?”  He’s about ten steps away from me.

“Seriously, thank you.  This is the second time you’ve saved me.”

He looks down for a moment and puts his hands on his hips, then raises his head.  “Anything for James’ girl.”

My heart melts at his response, and tears immediately jump behind my eyes.  He gives me a small smile and turns to head back where he came from.

Chapter 18

“I had to take crap from Shel and now you’re on my case too?”

James is lying on my bed following my every move as I walk around my room collecting my dirty clothes into a pile.

“I’m just saying.  Listen, why do you think Matt magically showed up in the parking lot at work tonight?  Did you even think to ask him what he was doing there?”

I roll my eyes.  “No.  I didn’t subject him to Twenty Questions.  He volunteered to help me and I accepted.”  I pause.  “I’m sorry,” I say dramatically.

“Well,” James flops on to his back, “I would bet money that he was looking for you.”

“Why would he be looking for me?” I throw my clothes into the basket by the door.  “That makes no sense.  He was probably there with Dane and stumbled upon me.”

“Oh yeah, your other boyfriend,” he grumbles.

“All right!  That’s enough!” I walk over to stand in front of him and throw my hands up in the air.  “What do you want me to do?  Quit?”

James looks at me.  “Would you?”

I sigh loudly and flop down on the bed beside him.  “Yeah, that would be perfect.  What would my parents think?  Without Shel here they would think I’m falling back into a depression.”  I turn my head to look at him.  “Out of the question.”

He props himself up on his elbow, so he’s looking down at me.  “I thought you’d say something like that.”

“Why can’t you see that they’re not interested in me?” I ask, frustrated.  James frowns and leans over so his face hovers above mine.  I lift my head to kiss him softly.  “Why can’t you trust me?”

“I do trust you,” he sighs.

“Well then, why don’t you spy on Matt and Dane to see what’s up?  Put your mind at ease.”

James smirks.  “I wish I could; however, I do have other things to do with my time.”

“You know,” I say gently, “I am going to have people who come in and out of my life, people who are friends.  When did you get so hot headed?  I don’t remember you ever being so jealous.”

James’ face twists in pain, and I immediately regret what I’ve said.  “I have no control now,” he says quietly.  “Before I could just step in, like I did with Patrick.”

I shudder at the memory of my psycho lab partner.

“It’s like I’m out of the picture and all these men descend.”

I snort.  “’All these men descend?’” I quote him.  “Please!”  I take his face in my hands and stare into his eyes.  “I love only you.  For now, for forever.”

He leans in to kiss me, but I stop him by pointing a finger.  “Promise me we won’t have this conversation again.”

He shakes his head.  “I can’t.”

“Why?”  I roll my eyes.

“Because I’ll never get enough of hearing you say how much you love me.”

“Is that what this is about?” I make a face.  “Since when did you become so greedy?”

He abruptly moves forward, passing through my pointing finger, through my hand, and kisses me.  This kiss feels different, stronger.  His lips feel degrees colder and the cool air moves faster.  When he stops I feel breathless.

“You don’t know how badly I wish I could touch you right now,” he says roughly.

His eyes follow his fingers as he traces my face from my temple to my cheek to my chin.  His touch continues down my neck, brushes across my collarbone, glides to my shoulder, and then travels along my side to my waist to rest at my hip.  When he looks back at me, his eyes burn.

I wish for that too, just as much.  But I hold my tongue; I don’t want to make him feel any worse.  Instead, I reach for his hand at my hip and wrap my fingers around his.  “I love you,” I reassure him.  I don’t want to discuss jealousy or limitations anymore.  James watches me as I sit up and slide to the head of my bed.  I reach for him and he folds himself around me.  I drift off into a fitful sleep as my mind decides to make up for one thing we can no longer have.  It plays another memory.

“Hold on a sec,” James whispers into my ear before he pushes himself off me.  He quickly springs to the door and locks it.

“What?” I laugh.  “You don’t want Chad to walk in on us?”  Chad is James’ roommate.

“Hell no,” he grins, returning to me.  He puts his hands on either side of my shoulders and leans in close.  “I don’t get enough time alone with you,” he says before kissing me deeply.

“He has a key,” I remind him as his mouth leaves mine.  I prop myself up so he has an easier time removing my shirt.

He pulls it off over my head.  “No, he doesn’t.”  His eyes light up and he glances at the desk that separates their beds.

I turn my head to see Chad’s student ID connected to a Ferris lanyard along with a few keys.  I turn back to James.  “Well, then,” I smile as I wrap my arms around his neck to pull him closer.  He kisses me again, pressing me against the bed, as I run my hands along his sides and then reach around to trail them down his bare back.  His lips leave mine only to reappear at the base of my throat, heading south.  I close my eyes and my pulse races as he leaves a trail of kisses down the center of my body, traveling to my waist, and then burning a path to my hip.  They leave my skin for mere seconds before they are on my mouth again.  I grab his shoulders as he lowers his body to mine and wraps his arms beneath me.  Shifting his weight, he falls to the side, pulling me with him.  His back hits the wall beside the bed.

“Ow!” he says against my lips.

I giggle.  “Are you all right?”

He pauses to smile and then buries his mouth under my ear.  He moves and traps it with his teeth sending a chill down to my toes.

“I take it that’s a yes,” I whisper.

He shifts forward so we’re not propped against the wall anymore, and I drape my leg over his hip.  As I pull myself closer his free hand roams over my naked back and then trails along my side.  My mouth is on his again.  I feel his hand hesitate at my hip and then reach around my waist.  He grabs my side, tickling me.

“Ahhh!” I jump and push against his chest.  “Stop!  No tickling!”

James laughs as I try to wiggle out of his hold.  He grabs my wrist with his free hand, and pins it against the bed.  My leg is still looped around his.  “I like to hear you laugh,” he grins.

With a smirk, I wrench my hand out of his and go for his side.  He rolls and I follow him, sprawling across his chest to get to my target.  Laughing, he reaches up and grasps my chin, forcing me to look at him.  I give up on the tickling as he takes my mouth so thoroughly my head spins.  I feel his fingers leave my face and trace lightly down my back, reaching the waistline of my jeans.  He works his way just inside, and the combination of his kiss and his touch winds me.  I need to catch my breath.  I smile and open my eyes to look into his – and see Dane’s face staring back at me.

My body jolts and I snap awake, my heart pounding.  I turn and reach for James, realizing the cool feeling of his body is no longer there.  He has left me for the night.  I roll over on my side, curl my knees to my chest, and wait for my heartbeat to slow.  I try to erase the image of Dane mixed with James by clenching my eyes shut.

Holy hell.  What was that?

I dump the unwanted milk from my cereal bowl into the sink and yawn as it flows down the drain.  I’m exhausted.  For the first time since James has come back to me, I did not sleep well.  Our conversation and my insane dream kept resurfacing in my mind, making me feel more and more miserable.  The jealousy that James feels has obviously planted itself in my subconscious.  I wish he didn’t feel so limited.  I wish he could read my mind and know, without a doubt, how much he means to me.  How much he is and will always be enough for me.  How can I make him see that?  Will I ever be able to?

I think about James the entire drive to work.  When I pull into the golf course I have to force myself to think about maneuvering my dad’s truck into a parking space.  It’s a Silverado and the thing is huge.  I don’t like driving it, but it was my only option if I wanted a new tire put on my car today.    I sigh as I turn off the engine.  My training day with Dane will be sure to set James off again tonight.  I shudder as the dream I had returns to me.  Seeing Dane today is the last thing I want to do.  I rest my chin on the steering wheel and stare out the window as I contemplate faking an illness.

As I enter the pro shop, Kris greets me cheerfully.  “Good morning, Emma.  Go ahead and punch in then I’ll get you two started.”  She nods to Dane, who is standing next to the counter wearing the requisite Bay Woods polo and khaki cargo shorts.  He flashes me his all-too-familiar-grin.  It irritates me, and I say nothing.

We’re assigned to one of the beverage carts.  Dane follows me as I head out of the pro shop to where the carts are parked.  I open the coolers to make sure they were emptied from last night.  “We’ll need ice,” I inform Dane.  “This cart takes about four bags; the other about three, just so you know.”

“Good morning to you, too,” Dane says.

I sigh.  “Good morning.”

As we fill the cart with ice and bottles, I have to admit I need Dane’s help.  It seems like I’m getting more and more tired.  His ability to do all the heavy lifting is appreciated.  After we get the cart filled and the inventory list tallied, I slide behind the wheel to head out on to the course.

“Oh no,” Dane objects and snatches the key from my hand.  “I’ll be driving.”

“What?  Why?”

“You’re distracted and moody,” he observes.

I give him a tired sigh.  “I didn’t sleep well.”

He enters the cart, sliding behind the wheel and pushing me aside with his hip.  “Obviously.”  He puts the key in the ignition.  “Dreaming about me?” he raises an eyebrow.

What?!  I try to keep a shocked expression off my face by looking away and muttering, “You wish.”

“Oookay,” he says as he puts the cart in reverse.  “Humor is not acceptable on the beverage cart.  Got it, boss.”

We head out and I direct Dane around the entire course, pointing out the places I typically stop when it is crowded.  There aren’t many people golfing this early on a Wednesday morning, and we only manage to unload a bottle of water and a bottle of cranberry juice to some seniors.  After our second tour around the course, I direct Dane to a shady spot where he parks the cart.  Until the traffic picks up, we won’t have much to do.  I doodle on the inventory list as we sit in silence.  Five minutes go by.  Then ten.

“Okay,” he says and turns to face me.  “What’s up?”

“What’s up with what?”

“What’s bothering you?”

I stare at him.

“It’s me, isn’t it?” he asks pointedly.

“Partly,” slips out of my mouth before I can stop it.  I wasn’t expecting him to ask me that!  I feel my face start to redden and quickly look away.

“At least you’re honest,” he says, somewhat surprised.  “What exactly about me is bothering you?”

What can I say?  It’s not really you; it’s my dead boyfriend’s jealousy of you?

“Spit it out, Emma.”

I really don’t want to have this conversation.  I look at him, frustrated.  “What do you want me to say?”

“Tell me what’s bothering you.”

I shake my head no.  “I barely know you,” I snap.

He extends his hand to me, expecting a handshake.  “I thought we did this already, but, hi, my name is Dane.  Yours?”

I refuse to play along.  I stare at his hand like it’s infected.

He looks at me like I’ve hit him.  His eyes harden.  He drops his hand and turns away.

My chest starts to constrict.  I know I’m acting rude as a defense.  If James is watching, I don’t want him to see me having a good time.  The guilt of being here with Dane presses down on me because I know it hurts James, even though Dane has done nothing wrong.  And now, on top of my miserable feelings about hurting James and dreaming about Dane, I can add my miserable feelings about being rude.  How do I make things right?

Dane sits with his arms crossed, looking over the golf course.  “Hey,” I say quietly, embarrassed.

No response.

“Um, I’m trying to apologize.”

Still nothing.

“Well, I’m sorry,” I whisper.

Dane’s mouth remains set, his face impassive, as if I’m not even there.

I don’t know if it’s the realization that I’ve truly pissed Dane off, my inability to assure James of my love for him, or my lack of sleep, but whatever the reason a sob rises in my chest and escapes me before I can do anything to catch it.  I cover my face as tears pour down my cheeks and soak my hands.

“Emma!”  Dane is immediately at my side.  “Don’t cry!”

His plea makes me cry harder.

“I’m sorry!  I’m not that mad, I promise!”

It is as if a damn has broken.  I can’t speak, I can’t open my eyes.  I can’t do anything but cry.

Dane grabs my wrists and gently tries to pull my hands from my face.  “Emma, look at me.”

My hands are frozen and locked into place.  They won’t budge with his gentle nudging.  I am mortified by my behavior, and I have no energy to stop the tears.

“Please look at me?” he asks softly.

When I won’t move, I feel his arms wrap around me.  He pulls me against his chest and tucks my head under his chin.  I feel him slide us back to lean against the seat of the cart.  My entire body tenses, and he can feel it.

“Relax,” he says against my hair.  “Let it out.”

I continue to cry as he holds me, but for entirely different reasons now.  What if James is watching?  This is not what I wanted to happen!  Why is my body so frozen that I can’t move to push him away?  Why can’t I speak?

Why do these arms feel warm and safe?

The shock of my last thought cuts my sobbing off with a choke.  I sit back rigidly, the feeling returning to my fingers and hands.  I quickly pull them from my face and try to turn away from him, pushing against his shoulder and chest as hard as I can.  “Let me go!”  My voice sounds weak, garbled and stuck.

Dane’s arms stay locked around me.  “It’s okay.”

“No!  No, it’s not!”

He releases me and I shift as far away from him as possible.  I wipe my eyes, silently praying for the tears to stop.  When I think I have my emotions somewhat under control, I turn to face him.  The look on his face is a mixture of concern and confusion.

“I’m…sorry,” I apologize.  “I don’t know what happened.”  My voice is shaky.

“Don’t worry about it.  If you need a shoulder to cry on, I’m right here.”

I smile feebly at him, thankful that he is no longer upset with me.  “Thanks, but I’ll be all right.”

“You’re sure?”

I nod.

Minutes pass.  Finally he asks me, “How long has it been?”

“Since what?”

“Since you lost him.”

“Almost two months,” I whisper.

“And he’s all you think about?”

If he only knew.  “Yes.”

Dane studies me for a moment, which makes me uncomfortable.  “Close your eyes.”

“Why?”

“Just trust me.”

I shake my head no.

“Are you scared?” he teases.

I roll my eyes.  “No, of course not.”

“Then do it.”

“Fine,” I huff and close my eyes.  “Now what?”

Dane says nothing.  After a moment, I feel his fingers wrap around my left hand.  My eyes fly open, and I instinctively pull away.

Dane sighs heavily.  “Close your eyes and give me your hand.”

“What are you doing?”

“Just do it!  You are beyond frustrating today,” he complains.  “I’m not going to touch anything but your hand.  I promise.”

I eye him warily.  Should I do this?  What if James is watching?  He hasn’t said anything so far.  Maybe he wants to see what Dane is up to, so he can give me the ‘I told you so’ speech later.  But what if he isn’t up to anything?  Then that speech could be coming from me.  I close my eyes and comply with his request.

Dane grasps my hand and laces his fingers through mine.  “Sit back and relax,” he tells me.  “Keep your eyes closed.”

I slide back against the seat and try to relax, but this is kind of odd.  I feel Dane lean against the seat next to me, but the only thing he touches is my hand, just like he said.

We sit in silence.  As the minutes pass, he starts to absentmindedly rub his thumb across mine.  As much as I don’t want to admit it, it is comforting.

“Everything okay?” he asks.

I nod.  “What are you doing?”

“Keep your eyes closed.  Think of James.  Use me.”

Chapter 19

James is late.  Very late.  Anxiety starts to bubble in my chest.  The confidence I was feeling in proving that Dane is just a friend is beginning to wane; maybe James doesn’t see it that way.

If he saw it at all.

I haven’t heard from him once today, which is troubling.  Usually, if he sees something he doesn’t like, he lets me know.  Not that I’m naïve to think holding Dane’s hand wouldn’t set him off, but the end result was positive.  Dane’s just trying to be a good friend to me.

It’s after midnight, and I’m starting to get restless.  What if James is truly angry?  Anxiety scoots over and gives guilt a seat in my heart.  When I curl up in bed, I lie in the darkness, my mind creating a web of unpleasant scenarios.  The more I think about it, the harder it is for me to breathe.  I drift unwillingly in and out of sleep.  The scenario I fear the most keeps haunting me.

The one where James decides never to return.

My shivering body wakes me.  I reach to pull my comforter higher around my shoulders when my hand passes through noticeably cooler air behind me.  My eyes snap open.

“James?” I whisper.

“Sorry I’m late.”

I quickly roll over and blindly throw my arms around his cool form.

“Um, you’re hugging my throat.”

“Sorry,” I release him.  “I was so worried you weren’t coming.  Hold on.”

I lean over to turn on the light.  I need to see him.  When I lie down to look at him, my heart plummets.  He looks tired, worn, and sad.  He looks broken.  Instantly I curl myself against his stomach, and I feel his arms wrap around me.  I’m scared to ask him what is wrong.

James’ voice cracks.  “I can’t visit you for awhile.”

I close my eyes and take a deep breath.  My gut tells me this is all my fault.  I’ve brought this on myself.  “What can I do to make it right?”

“Nothing,” he responds flatly.  “There’s nothing you can do.”

I stop breathing at the realization of his anger.  My worst fear is coming true.  My mind scrambles to find the right words to change his mind; to make him stay.

“Please let me explain…” I choke.  “Today was…I shouldn’t have….”

The chill intensifies under my chin and I instinctively know to raise my head.  I look James in the eye as he searches my face.  “Go on.”

I take a shaky breath.  “I was trying to prove to you that Dane is only a friend, that he wants nothing more.  He didn’t try anything.  I knew you’d be watching, so I agreed so you would see…”

James’ face twists.

“He only held my hand, that was all.  To be kind, to calm me after my crying fit, to let me pretend he was you…please…don’t leave me over this.”

His face falls.  “He wants to pretend to be me?”

I realize how that must have sounded.  “No, no, not like that.  Just for that moment.  Didn’t you see?  Weren’t you watching?”

He closes his eyes as if he’s trying to erase what I’ve said.  “No.  I wasn’t watching.”

“Then why are you leaving me?”

He opens his eyes and looks deeply into mine.  “Garrett is angry.  I’ve been spending too much time here with you.  That’s why I was late and that’s why I have to stay away for awhile.”  He pauses.  “And now, after what you’ve told me, I need to be here,” he growls.

“No, no you don’t.  I mean, yes, you do.  But you don’t have anything to worry about,” I say trying to reassure him.  “I don’t want Garrett to get angrier with you; what if he decides you can’t visit me ever again?”

James sighs in frustration.  “I don’t think he would do that.”

“Can you be sure?”

He shakes his head no.

I lean forward to hold my forehead against his and whisper, “I don’t want to take that risk.”

After a moment, James asks me quietly, “What were you thinking today, with Dane?”

I lift my head, so I can see his face.  “All I could think about was you,” I tell him honestly.  “I hate that you question yourself all the time.  What can I do to make you realize you’re enough for me?  I analyzed every one of my actions today, everything I said, because I want to prove myself to you.  Prove that you’re wrong to feel threatened.”

“Emma, you are blind.  How can I not feel threatened?  There is so much I can’t do.”

“There is so much you can do,” I say.  “More than I ever thought possible.  What have I ever done to make you think I would bail on our relationship so easily?”

James sits and reaches for me.  I rise up to face him, and he holds my hands in his.  He stares at our laced fingers for a few moments, as if deciding something, and then looks at me intently.  “I know with my entire being that, right now, you love me.  I’ve never doubted it.  What I doubt are the intentions of others and my ability to make you happy.  Those are my issues to work through, not yours.”  He sighs.  “I promise to be better.  Please don’t walk around on eggshells for me.  The last thing I want to do is stress you out or push you away.”

“You’ll never be able to push me away,” I say softly.

“I’m trying too hard to control things,” he says.  “That’s why Guardians can’t be in love with their Wards.  Do you see how that would be a problem?  This is one thing I have to work on.  Guidance, not control.”

“Is Garrett making you practice on me?”

“No, but he sees my behavior.  Hence my, um, visit suspension.”

I don’t want to think about that.  I frown.  “How long will you be kept from visiting me?”

“I don’t know.”

“Will you be able to speak to me?  To watch me?”

“All my time with you is now limited.  That’s why I didn’t see you today with…him.”

“Oh.”

James moves to lie down and I follow suit.  He wraps himself around me, our arms and legs intertwined.  “Don’t forget about me while I’m away,” he whispers in my ear.

“Never.”

We lay in silence as the realization that we are going to be separated again sinks in.  My heart feels like it’s in a vise and starts to beat erratically.  James raises his head to look at me, concerned.  “Are you okay?  I can hear your heart.”

“No,” I rasp.  “I need you.”

“And I you,” he says sadly.  “Just remember that every second I’m allowed to be near you, I will be.”

I nod because my voice is stuck in my throat.

“It won’t be like before,” James tries to comfort me.  “I’m not gone for good.”

I nod again, still trying not to hyperventilate.  I don’t know why this is hitting me so hard so suddenly.  I try to concentrate on bringing my breathing under control.

James leans forward and kisses me.  It distracts me from my sudden panic attack.  His kiss is urgent.  I know this because I can feel him move against me; his mouth is the coldest I’ve ever felt.  I open my eyes to physically see him and it’s as if he’s himself again, his whole self.  My memory takes over as I remember what it was like to kiss him before his death.  I hold on to that memory as I close my eyes again and it’s as if nothing has changed from that time; he is whole.

My memory allows me to see him, through closed eyes, and I reach up and grab his shoulder to pull him closer to me.  I feel his cold, freezing touch at my hip.  It travels to my waist and around my lower back, as if he is trying to press me closer to him.  I shift my body forward to comply, since he cannot physically move me.  His chilled mouth leaves mine and finds my neck, spending time there.  Eventually his mouth grazes my ear and then is back on mine, hungry.

Gradually I feel his touch begin to warm around me.  As he grows warmer, it’s almost like his body is transforming into his former self; I swear I can feel his weight on me.  I gasp and open my eyes to see if what I’m feeling is real.

James stops kissing me and looks into my eyes.  I’m shocked to see he is not becoming whole; he is becoming transparent and fading away.

“Don’t,” I beg and try to hold on to him.

James looks at me longingly as he becomes nearly invisible.  “I love you,” he tells me.  “Don’t forget.”

“I won’t.  I can’t.”

He vanishes before my eyes.

I lay there for a moment, stunned, at what I’ve just seen.  I slowly wrap my arms around myself and then curl up on my side.  My eyes and throat burn with trapped emotion, but no tears come, there is no release.  My sorrow is trapped inside me.

Inevitably, morning comes.  I have not changed position; I have not slept.  My alarm goes off, making me aware of the time.  I don’t want to move; I don’t want to leave my bed.  Spending the day distracted and stumbling my way through work doesn’t sound very enticing.  I’m certain my irritability will carry over into my training with Dane again today.  I don’t feel up to making excuses as to why I’m being so difficult to work with.  I just want to lie here and think about James.

My alarm continues to sound, irritating me further.  My muscles protest as I try to sit up.  I roll on to my back, stretching my arms above my head and my feet in the opposite direction.  I feel a sharp pinch in the side of my neck that radiates down my shoulder and through my shoulder blade.

“Argh!” I wince and tense up, realizing I pinched a nerve.  Damn it!  I focus on relaxing so that the pain will subside.  After a few minutes the throbbing calms, but it still hurts.  I manage to roll over slowly and shut off my annoying alarm.  I stare at my bedroom ceiling, thinking about James in between the distracting throbs in my neck, until my bladder decides it’s necessary that I get up.

In the bathroom, I run a hotter-than-normal shower in order to soothe my aching muscles and aching heart.  The promise of seeing James is what has been carrying me through my days.  It has put a smile back on my face.  I know he is not gone forever, that this situation is beyond our control.  It’s the uncertainty of when he will be allowed to return that has made me so sad.  I can’t help shake the feeling that I’m to blame for his restriction; if I didn’t need him around so badly, he would have spent more time on his training than with me and be farther along than he is.  But, that would only assign him a Ward sooner rather than later, which will restrict our time together indefinitely.  I let out a heavy sigh.  Around and around we go.  This is what we’re going to have to deal with for the rest of our lives…er, my life.  Reconciling our time together with the roles we’ve both chosen.  He chose to be a Guardian.  I choose to stand by him until I can release him.  It sounds so simple except for my selfish need to have him all to myself all of the time.  I’m going to have to get over that somehow.

I step into the steamy shower and stand motionless as the water beats down on my body.  Thoughts of James roll around in my head.  He doesn’t blame me.  I blame me.  James loves me and I love him.  He will come back to me.  I visualize my feelings of sadness and guilt being carried away by the water as it runs down the shower drain.  Goodbye blame.  Goodbye guilt.  Goodbye sadness.

Goodbye hot water.

Yikes!  The water has instantly turned freezing.  I fumble to turn off the faucet.  Shaking from the chill, I yank the curtain aside and reach for my towel.  Could this day get any worse?  I didn’t even get a chance to wash my hair!  I open the door and peek into the hall.

“Hello?  Why is there no hot water?” I yell down the stairway.

“Let me check!”  My father hollers up to me.

I wait impatiently as I hear him tromp down the basement stairs.  Minutes pass and my hope of finishing my relaxing hot shower fades.  Finally, I hear his heavy footsteps come back up the steps.

“Water heater pilot went out!” he yells up to me.  “I re-lit it, but it’s going to take about an hour to heat up the tank!”

My pinched nerve throbs and icy tendrils of water drip down my back from my wet yet unwashed hair.  My body shakes convulsively.

That’s it.  I give up.  I’m calling in sick today.

Chapter 20

BAM!  BAM!  BAM!

My reading is interrupted by loud thumps on the back door.

BAM!  BAM!  BAM!

I mark the spot in my book; I still haven’t made it through The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.  I uncurl my legs and walk to the back door, steadying the heat pack I have resting over my shoulder for my pinched nerve.  It takes a minute for me to get out of the living room and into the kitchen.

BAM!  BAM!  BAM!

Holy impatient!  “Just a minute!” I yell.  Grasping the heat pack with one hand, I yank open the door with the other, simultaneously snapping, “Yes?”  Blinking to clear my eyes, I see Matt standing on the step.

“Hey,” he says slowly.

“What are you doing here?” falls out of my mouth.

“I came to make sure you were okay.”

I stare at him confused.  “How did you even know I was home?”

He shrugs.  “Dane called me.  Told me you’re sick.”

Is my life really that important to the two of them?

“So what’s wrong with you?” he asks.

“I pinched a nerve in my neck,” I nod toward the heat pack.  “It’s no big deal.”

“Hmmm,” he says.

Matt stands on the step as uncomfortable seconds pass.  He looks at his feet as I wonder what his real motivation is for coming here.  It’s a sweet gesture to be concerned about me, but a phone call would have sufficed.

“Um, do you want to come in?” I ask, unsure of what more he could possibly want.

He perks up.  “Can I?”

“Sure,” I step back as I open the door wider, “Come on in.”

He smiles and walks past me.  Shutting the door, we head to the living room.  I offer him a seat on the couch.

“Did I interrupt anything?” he asks as he sits.

I look at my book as I take a seat.  “No, I was just reading.”

“Ah, Stieg Larsson,” he recognizes the author.  “It’s too bad he passed away; I really enjoyed that trilogy.”

I look at him in surprise.  Matt is such a big, athletic-looking guy, I would never have pegged him as a recreational reader.

“What?” he laughs.  “I can read you know.”

“I’m sorry,” I shake my head.  “Today has just been a weird day.”

He nods like he understands.  The silence returns.  We both look around the room in different directions.  This is ridiculous.  And strange.

“So,” I pause.  “You stopped by because…?”

Matt gives me a small smile and looks embarrassed.  He opens his mouth to speak, then closes it again, as if he is reconsidering his response.  He looks down, and I notice his face start to flush.

Oh no.  A ball of nerves starts to form and settle in my belly.  What if James was right about him?  I’ve always been a little slow when it comes to recognizing these things.  Please no.  Please don’t let this be what I think it is, I silently pray.

Matt looks at me again.  “This is really hard for me to say…”

Aw man!

“…but I need your advice.  About Shel.  I think I really like her.”

I let out a heavy sigh and smile.  I wish James were around to hear this!  “Really?” I ask enthusiastically, relieved.

He slumps back on the couch and closes his eyes as if defeated.  “I can’t stop thinking about her.”

“Really?” I ask him again.

He opens his eyes and smiles.  “Is that the only thing you can say?”

I laugh.  “No, I’m just surprised.  I figured you two were into each other, but then Shel told me you weren’t, so I didn’t question it.”

“What did she say?” he warily asks.

“She told me you two were okay with what happened at your house and chalked it up to being drunk.  She said you talked about it and everything was sorted out.”

Matt frowns.

“Except it’s not?” I guess.

“I thought it was,” he rubs his hand over his face.  “I mean, we’ve always been friends; I didn’t expect what happened at the barbeque to happen.  But it did, and that was the first time I thought maybe we could have something more.  But when she told me it was a mistake, I agreed, because, well, I don’t want to make things uncomfortable between us.”

“I can understand that.  But what about the second time you two talked?  At the golf course?”

Matt chuckles.  “I wanted to tell her I thought it was more, but she kept saying she was sorry and it was a mistake.  I couldn’t get a word in, really.  She’s pretty persistent.”

“You think?”  My eyes widen.  “She’s always had a way of getting what she wants.”

Matt’s smile fades a little.  “Yeah, and I don’t think she wants me.”

I give him a sympathetic look.  “I don’t know.  She was pretty upset by what happened and was adamant about making sure you weren’t hurt.  She seemed wrecked over the idea of ruining your friendship.  Knowing Shel the way I do, I think she was trying to save herself the heartache of you possibly rejecting her.”

“You think?”

“When’s the last time you talked to her?”

“The day she left for Arizona.  She called to ask me a favor.”

“What favor?”

Matt looks at me uncomfortably.  Whoops.  Maybe that’s too personal for me to know.  “Sorry, you don’t have to tell me.”

“No, no.  It’s about you anyway.”

My eyebrows shoot up.  “What about me?”

He gives me a warning look.  “Don’t tell her I told you.  She’ll have my balls.”

“And you want to date this girl why?” I ask him with a smile.

He laughs.  “She called and asked me to keep an eye on you.  To fill in for her, if you will.”

Of course Shel didn’t believe me when I told her I would be fine.  “I take it you agreed?”

“Yes.  Besides, my being around came in handy when you got that flat tire.”

“Were you following me?”  The thought kind of creeps me out.

Matt looks sheepish.  “Kinda.”

My voice raises a few octaves.  “Have you been following me?”

Guilt is written all over his face.

“Don’t you have anything better to do?!”

“Shel was very specific in her request.”

I shake my head in disbelief.  “Lord, you have it bad for her.  Listen, I’m fine.  I hereby relieve you of your stalker duties.”

He grimaces, unsure.

“Honestly, I’m good.  Things are much better than they were.  Plus, with Dane working at the golf course now, you can – wait,” I stare at him accusingly.  “Dane’s working at the course because of me, isn’t he?”

Matt holds his hands up in surrender.  “Don’t be mad!  I can’t follow you around 24/7 so I recruited a little help.”

My mouth falls open in shock as I think about the breakdown I had in front of Dane a few days ago.  I’m sure that was reported as ‘Emma’s not doing so well.  Increasing mission priority to Defcon 5.’  “Are you freaking kidding me?”

“We just want to make sure you’re all right.  We all care about you.  I meant what I said the other day.  Anything for James’ girl.”

I look down and close my eyes to process this information.  I know they mean well; Shel’s just being controlling like always and Matt is doing her bidding because he likes her.  Dane only agreed to work with me to help Matt out.  But do they all see me as helpless?  Lost without James by my side?  Capable of nothing?

I open my eyes and look directly into Matt’s.  “How do you see me?”

I thought my question might throw him for a minute, but he responds immediately and just as pointed.  “Strong.”

I give him an exasperated look.  “Then what’s the point of all this?  Do I miss James?  Yes!  Will I always miss him?  Yes!  Can I move on with my life?  Yes!”  Well, he doesn’t need to know that moving on in life still involves James.

“The point,” he sighs, “is that I miss James too.  Don’t forget he was a friend to all of us.  Well, not Dane.  But you know what I mean.”  He pauses, looking at his hands to gather his thoughts.  “I think…I see you as strong because you were the closest to him.  No one was closer or could have been closer.  To see you survive his loss gives the rest of us the strength to do the same.  This has been hard on us, but we realize it has been the hardest on you.”  He looks me in the eye.  “Being around you is kinda like having a piece of James still here with us.  We don’t want to let that go.  We know he would want you to be taken care of, so, here we are.”

I don’t know what to say.  A realization hits me hard: I have amazing people in my life.  And to know I can still interact with James and they can’t makes me sad.  I wish I could share some of him with them.  I make up my mind immediately.  If being around me makes Shel and Matt feel closer to James, if it makes them feel better, who am I to deny them that?  We need each other.

Spontaneously, I wrap my arms around Matt and hug him tightly.  The heat pack falls to the ground, my neck and shoulder throb as I irritate my nerve, but I don’t care.

“Whoa!” he responds as he hesitantly wraps his arms around me to pat my back.

“Thank you,” I mumble into his shoulder.  “I never thought of things that way.”

“Well, it’s true.  At least for me it is, and I’m pretty sure Shel feels the same.  You’re her best friend.  James took care of you which made her happy.  Now, I think she feels a responsibility to fill some of that void.  Don’t be too hard on her.  Or me.”

I sit back, releasing him.  “I won’t,” I promise.  “But can I ask you one favor?”

“What’s that?”

“Please stop following me around.  It’s creepy.”

Matt laughs.  “Well, now that you know what’s up I won’t have to be so covert.”

I smile.  “We should hang out more, now that I know what it means to you.”  And now that James will understand you’re not a threat.

“Well…” he looks down.  “That was the other thing I wanted to talk to you about.”

“Oh?”

“James’ birthday is on Monday,” he pauses to see my reaction.

Yes, I’ve realized this.  “Go on,” I encourage him.

“I was thinking I should have a small get-together at my place this weekend to honor the day.  I was going to invite some buddies of ours, some of our friends from school.  I would really like it if you could be there.”

“That is really thoughtful of you.”  I had hoped to spend the night with James as usual but now that that can’t happen, why not?  “I’ll be there.”

He gives me a genuine smile.  “Great.”

“Now, back to you and Ms. Shel…”

He looks embarrassed and rolls his eyes.  “Yes?”

“You wanted advice,” I remind him.

“Well, you are her best friend and the only person I know that’s been in the same relationship for four years,” he teases, but then catches himself.  “Sorry.”

“It’s okay.”  I’m still in that relationship, my mind chimes.  “I think you should call her.  Sooner rather than later.”

“And say what?”

“Let her know how you feel.  Plant the seed.  It’s the only way to know if anything can happen.  Shel is very direct.  Give it to her straight; don’t leave things open to interpretation.”

“You think?  What if I destroy our friendship?”

“If Shel lets this destroy your friendship, she’s not worth having as a friend,” I say with confidence.  “Besides, she’ll call me immediately after she talks with you, so I may be able to work a little magic.”

Matt looks uncertain.  “Okay, but this is really nerve-wracking.”

I’m starting to think Shel may already have his balls.  “It’s better than sitting around and doing nothing, right?”

“Right,” he concedes and then his face twists in thought.  After a few moments, he turns to me.  “Are you hungry?”

As a matter of fact I am.  “Sure.”

“Let’s go get some lunch.  My treat.”  He stands and holds out his hand to help me up.  “Where to?”

We ended up at the small, family-owned restaurant in town called Home Plate.  We talked more about Shel and what he should say to her.  Honestly, I started to feel like he should’ve been taking notes.  I’ve never seen someone so nervous!  But then again, what do I really know about dating?  I’ve only dated one person in my entire life.

Speaking of whom, I wish he was able to watch me today.  My conversation with Matt has lifted a huge weight off of my shoulders.  I can’t wait to tell James that, for a fact, neither Matt nor Dane has any feelings for me.  Knowing this makes me excited to go to work tomorrow; excited to interact with people without the fear of making James jealous.  Hopefully, he will be able to look in on me and be able to remove some of the weight from his shoulders too.

I crawl into bed, still with my trusty friend Heat Pack and a smile on my face.

Two minutes later, my cell rings.  I pick the phone up off my nightstand.  It’s Shel.

“Hello?”

“You.  Will.  Never.  Guess.  Who.  Just.  Called.  Me.”

I smile brilliantly and ask innocently, “Who?”

Chapter 21

It’s 8:00 p.m. and my nerves are shot.  I know I promised Matt I would attend his party in honor of James’ birthday, but walking up the sidewalk, I’m having second thoughts.  There has to be at least fifteen to twenty cars lining the street outside his house.  I can hear music and voices coming from the backyard; I can smell a fire burning.  I detour toward Matt’s front door and sit on the porch steps.  What do I have to say to these people?  Will they even want to talk to me?  I wrap my arms around myself.  It’s been four days since I’ve seen or heard from James.  I miss him beyond words.  I’m hoping that Garrett will allow him to visit me soon.  So far, I’ve heard nothing.  I pray I can keep my emotions in check tonight.

I close my eyes and imagine James is here.  I imagine his voice.  “Suck it up, Em.  Put your big girl pants on and do this for me.”  I break out in a huge smile.

“Something funny?”

My eyes fly open.  “Shel?!”

“Surprise!” she grins and picks up the pace as she walks across the lawn from the street.  “I heard there was a party.”

I literally leap off the porch steps and run to meet her, throwing my arms around her shoulders.  “What are you doing here?”

“I was invited,” she responds and hugs me tight.

I let her go and step back.  “When did you get in?  How long are you staying?”

“Just now; I drove here from the airport.”  She loops her arm through mine and starts to walk me in the direction of the backyard.  “I’m only able to stay until tomorrow night,” she grimaces.  “Uncle Tom literally has days left.”

“Ugh.  That’s terrible.  I’m so sorry.”

She shakes her head.  “We all know what’s coming; it’s just a matter of when.”

We round the corner of the house and I give her arm a squeeze.  “I’m so glad you’re here.”

“I needed the break,” she responds with a wary smile.  “Trust me.  I cannot wait to be back here for good.”

I shoot her a knowing smirk and ask, “Any particular reason why?”

She actually blushes and looks away.  I have never seen her do that!

“Hi,” a shy male voice interrupts us.  Matt is just steps away.

“Ah, the reason has found you,” I say and give Matt a big smile.  “Hey.”

“Hey Emma.  Thanks for coming.”  He gives me half a hug since my other arm is looped through Shel’s.  He releases me and looks at my best friend.  “You made it.”  He sounds relieved.

“Why wouldn’t I?” Shel tries to sound sarcastic, but the effect is lost by the huge grin plastered on her face.

“I’ll leave you two to get reacquainted,” I laugh and step away from Shel.  I look over toward the fire pit and see Dane waving from one of the benches.

“I’ll come find you in a sec,” Shel says to me.

I leave them and head over to the fire, glancing around as I walk.  People are milling about, sitting in camping chairs, or standing by the pit with drinks in hand.  I give small, vague smiles to the people who catch my eye.  Internally, I frown as I realize I recognize none of them.  I make it to Dane, who pats the empty spot on his bench.

“I saved you a seat,” he smiles up at me.

“Thanks.”  I sit down and look around anxiously.

“Looking for someone?” he asks.

“No.”  I lean over and whisper, “I don’t know anyone here.”

He looks at me surprised.

“Where did Matt find these people?”

Dane shrugs.  “I just showed up when he told me to be here.”

“Why are you here?” I ask with curiosity, realizing that he never even met James.

“Matt asked and I obliged,” he responds.  His face softens a little.  “Besides I…” he corrects himself, “we thought you might need an extra shoulder tonight.  You know, just in case this was hard for you.”

“Oh,” I blink and then give him a tiny smile.  “Thanks.”

When I went back to work after my day off, I let Dane know that I found out about Shel’s request of Matt and Matt’s request of him.  I wanted him to know I understood his decision to work at Bay Woods and that he shouldn’t feel obligated to continue; he barely knows me, after all.  Dane insisted he wanted to keep working because he didn’t want to disappoint Kris or his dad who, it turns out, was extremely thrilled that his son was finally showing some interest in the family business.  Things had been going really well between us now that I was able to relax around him, now that the true motivation for his working at the course had been revealed.  Still, the thought of him and Matt talking about my well-being behind my back was a little unsettling.  I’m an adult.  I don’t need handlers.

I catch Matt and Shel walking toward us hand in hand.  As they approach, I stand and subtly wave them over to the side.

“Hey,” I whisper to them.  “How is it that I don’t recognize any of these people?”

Matt looks confused.  “You should.” He looks past me and nods to the left.  “Most of that group over there is from the hockey team at Western, maybe a few from Ferris, I’m not sure.”  He points to the right.  “Don’t you remember Zach from high school?  Brian?  Kyle?”

I glance behind me.  “Okay, yeah.  I didn’t see them before.”

“Taylor’s over there.  Oh, and there’s Olivia,” he points again.  Then he frowns.  “There are a few people here I don’t know though.  Maybe they came with the guys from the team?”

Shel gives Matt an elbow to the side.  “This is what happens when you post a party invite on Facebook!”

Matt looks innocent.  “Hey!  I made it invite only!”

Their bickering makes me smile.  “I should have noticed the people from high school sooner,” I tell him.  “Thanks for pointing them out.”

“Before I forget there’s one thing I want to show you.”  He releases Shel’s hand and turns me around by the shoulders to face the fire pit.  “See that chair over there?”

I look across the flames and see an empty camping chair.  People sit on either side of it, on the stone benches surrounding the pit.  There appears to be a glass bottle of some sort in the cup holder and a Western t-shirt is draped haphazardly across the back.  “Yes, I see it.”

“That chair is reserved for James,” he says proudly.  “Complete with an open bottle of…”

“...Oberon,” I finish.  Tears spring into my eyes.  It’s an obscure, micro-brewed beer made only in Michigan, but the only beer James would drink.  I turn to face Matt and give him a warm smile despite my threatening tears.  “I don’t know what to say…” I blink rapidly as a drop escapes.  “Thank you for remembering him.”

“Don’t cry,” Matt looks a little scared.  “This is supposed to be a birthday party.”

Shel reaches out and rubs my arm as I brush the tear from my cheek.  “I’ll try, but I’m not making any promises.”

“Well, so you know, I thought I would say a couple of words.  I thought it would be an appropriate thing to do.”  He looks at me for reassurance.  “Is that okay with you?”

“Of course!  Stop worrying about me, this is your party.”

“James’ party,” he corrects me.

“Hey man!”

Someone gives Matt a hefty slap on the shoulder, and he turns to greet the newcomer.  Shel apparently seems to know him as well, so I take this opportunity to return to the bench.

“Has your memory returned?” Dane asks, as he hands me a s’more sans chocolate.

“Some of it,” I admit.  “Thanks,” I take the treat from his hand.

He gives me a square of chocolate.  “Do you want something to drink?”

“Is there any…”

Dane produces a bottle of water.  “Yep.”

“How did you know I was going to say water?”

“I’ve only ever seen you drink water.”

Huh.  I guess that’s true.

I see someone appear in my periphery, and I turn my head to watch a girl take residence on the bench beside me.  It doesn’t surprise me that I don’t recognize her.  She’s pretty and slender, with long, curly, dark brown hair that falls to her waist.  Dressed in an oversized Western hoodie and shorts, she stares at the fire, holding her can of, well, I don’t know, something.

Dane’s cell rings and he pulls it from his pocket.  “I’ll be right back,” he says.

I nod and finish my s’more.  With no one to talk to, I take a drink of water and stare at the fire with the girl next to me.  She catches my eye.

“Hi.”

I give her a small smile.  “Hello.”

She takes a drink and swallows.  “This is a nice party.”

“Yes,” I agree.

“Did you know James for long?” she asks me.

Apparently she doesn’t know who I am.  Why would she?  I have no idea who she is either.  “Um, you could say that.  Since elementary school.”

“Wow,” she looks impressed.  “We had a couple of classes together at college, but we didn’t really connect until…” she pauses, looking sadly at the fire, “until the night he died.”

I think I stop breathing.  “I’m sorry, what did you say?”

She looks at me.  “Oh, we ran into each other that night at this bar by school.  I was out with some friends, and he showed up with some friends who knew us.  One thing led to another and before I knew it, we had spent most of the night together talking.”  She sighs, remembering.  “I had no idea we would have so much in common.”

Now I know I’ve stopped breathing.  “I’m sorry, what did you say?”

Either she doesn’t hear me or is too wrapped up in her memories of James to realize I can only utter that one sentence.  She continues, “He was such a sweet guy.  Cute too.”  She smiles like I know what she’s talking about.  “I guess he’d had a fight with his girlfriend or something,” she shrugs.  “But he was the one giving out advice that night.”

I manage a new sentence.  “About what?”

She stares at her can.  “You know, school stuff, classes.  I was so comfortable with him that one topic led to another and I started spilling my guts about some personal stuff,” she looks embarrassed.  “But he didn’t seem to care.”

My mind reels.  “You guys managed to have a heart to heart talk in a loud bar?”

“Oh no,” she smiles.  “We were in his car.”

My breathing becomes erratic and my ears feel hot.  Is this really happening?

Mystery girl looks away from me.  “James suggested we go to the car, so we could talk some more without having to yell.  It was really nice of him to give me an outside perspective on my problems, talking them through made them seem easier to handle.”  She pauses, looking embarrassed again.  “I kind of broke down a little bit while we were talking.  He hugged me.  That’s when he realized I was freezing and gave me his hoodie to keep warm,” she looks down at the Western hoodie she’s wearing.  “He’ll never know it, but his concern for me that night really impacted my life.”  She looks distraught.  “I wish I could tell him how much that night will always mean to me.”

I have no words.  I’m having a difficult time sorting out my emotions – and breathing.  I don’t know if I’m angry or just numb.

“What’s your favorite memory of James?” she asks innocently.

I blink and stutter.   “That’s kind of hard…”

She ignores me.  “Out of that whole night, I think mine is when he kissed me goodbye.”

My emotions immediately work themselves out.  I know what I am.  I. Am. Pissed.  “Excuse me?” I snap.

My tone startles her.  “Oh,” she mumbles.  “It was just a kiss on the top of my head.  It was just a reassuring gesture, I’m sure.  That’s all.”

“Um, everybody?” I hear Matt’s voice carry.  I rip my eyes away from Mystery Girl to see him standing in front of James’ chair.  People move to gather around the fire, and I turn my body away from Mystery-Girl-Boyfriend-Lover in time to notice Dane return to sit beside me.  I’m vaguely aware that someone is standing behind me as well; my guess is that it’s Shel.

“Did I miss anything?”  Dane asks.

Boy did you ever, I think as my blood boils.

“Everyone,” Matt begins.  “I just wanted to take a moment to remember why we are here tonight.  We’re here to honor the birthday of a close and dearly missed friend, our friend, James Davis.”

Someone whistles while someone else calls out “Hear!  Hear!” from behind me.

Matt turns to the empty chair.  “I miss you man.  We all do.”  He turns back to the group and holds out his drink as if making a toast.  “To James!  Happy 22nd Birthday, buddy.  Wherever you may be.”

The people gathered around raise their drinks too.  “To James!” most say and bump their drinks against those around them.

Dane bumps his beer can against my water bottle, which I now realize I have crushed between my hands.  He looks at me confused.

Unexpectedly, Matt continues.  “And to Emma,” he says, zeroing in on me as he gestures with his drink the same way.  “The love of James’ life.  Don’t forget that we love you, too.”

My toast gets another “Hear!  Hear!” from somewhere, but it sounds muffled to me.  I need to get out of here; I need a few minutes alone.

I try to smile at the well-wishers around me, but I know it looks insincere.  The guests bump their drinks again.  Matt finishes, “That’s all.  Everyone can go back to enjoying themselves.”

People return to their own conversations and some leave the area.  I stand and Mystery Girl grabs my arm.  I face her and she looks absolutely horrified.

“I didn’t know…” she says.  “I’m…I’m so sorry.”

“It’s not your fault,” I manage to say.

She stands up and strips off James’ hoodie, revealing a tank top underneath.  “Here.  Take this.”

“No,” I shake my head.  “He obviously wanted you to have it.”

She looks shocked by my response.

“I can explain.”

James speaks directly into my ear, like he’s standing over my shoulder.  I tense up.  His voice sounds somber.

“I have to go,” I tell Mystery Girl.  I turn to look at Dane and Shel who are suspiciously eyeing the girl and me.  I repeat myself to them.  “I have to go.”

“Why?” asks Shel.

There is someone I have to deal with, I think to myself.  And he’s lucky he’s already dead.

Chapter 22

“Your parents are still at the wedding,” James says quietly.

I freeze in place, caught off guard by finding him in the kitchen.  I expected he would be waiting in my room like usual.  I wasn’t prepared to run into him here; I still haven’t sorted out what I want to say.

“You know,” he continues, staring at the perfectly square ivory invitation that has been left on the counter, “I expected our names to be on something like this one day.”  He raises his head and looks directly into my eyes.

What is he trying to do?  Distract me from what I’ve just discovered?  I shake my head in disbelief and march past him into the living room, trying to buy some time to determine what I want my first sentence to be.

I walk to the fireplace and sit on the hearth.  Resting my elbows on my knees, I hold my head in my hands and stare at the carpet.  My mind races to select one of the million scathing thoughts that sear through my brain.

James’ feet appear in my line of vision.  “Tell me where to start.  I’ll tell you anything you want to know.”

I snap.  “Really?”  Sitting upright, I look at him and spit out heavy words.  “It’s amazing how honest you’ve become all of a sudden.”

He takes a deep breath.  “Em, don’t be like that.”

“Don’t be like what?  Don’t be angry?  Or sad?  Or feel betrayed?  Which one?”

“You have every right to be mad,” he says, crouching down in front of me.

“You think?” I ask him incredulously.  “Were you ever going to tell me?”

“I didn’t tell you because it meant nothing.”

“To who?  It means something to me!  And it certainly meant the world to her.”

James sighs and closes his eyes.  When he opens them he looks exhausted, defeated.  “What I meant is that it means nothing compared to what we’re dealing with now.”

I eye him suspiciously.  “So you never planned on telling me?”

He looks down and says nothing.

“I take it that’s a yes,” I scowl.

His head snaps up.  “What was I supposed to tell you?  ‘Hi, I’m back from the dead.  By the way, the last night of my life, I ran into this girl I knew at a bar and ended up comforting her because she told me she’d considered suicide?’  Sorry, but I thought we had more pressing things to discuss.”

I cross my arms and look him in the eye.  “Then I guess it’s a miracle that I ran into her tonight.”

We sit in silence for a few moments staring at each other.  It’s hard to put my thoughts into words.

“Did you like her?” I finally ask, not sure I want to know the answer.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, did you like her?  Would you have seen her again?  Did you think about cheat –?”

“Jesus, Emma, no!” James shouts, cutting off my insecure thoughts.  “The thought of cheating on you never crossed my mind!”  He reaches out, grabs on to the top of my arms, and leans in to me.  “I would never…I have never cheated on you,” he says solemnly.

I believe him.  I do.

“I’m sorry,” he continues.  “Honestly, it was like comforting a sister.  I couldn’t just walk away from her, not after what she’d told me.  I had to do something to help.”

In my mind, I turn over what he is saying.  “Did you have to kiss her?” I press.  “Or give her your clothes?”

James looks pained.  “No,” he concedes quietly.

My mouth falls open.

“I can see how this looks to you,” he says.  “If the situation were reversed I know how I would feel.  All I can do is give you my word.  I was only trying to help her.”  He pauses.  “I love you with my whole being.  I always have and I always will.”

My stern expression falters.  I don’t doubt that he’s being sincere.

He releases my arms and stands.  “Do you want me to leave?”

I sigh, resigned to the fact that I’d never want him to go regardless of his actions.  I stand and reach for his hand.  He places his in mine, and I pull him toward the stairs.

“I get to stay?” he asks as he follows me.

I turn and give him a condescending look.  “Of course.  Don’t be stupid.”

As we walk up the stairs, I hear my cell chime a message notification.  I pull my phone out of my purse as soon as we make it to my room.

Are you okay?  It’s a text from Shel.

Everything is fine, I send back to her.  At home.  Going to bed.

I set my phone on my dresser and mechanically go about getting ready for bed.  I notice my window is wide open and walk over to shut it.  I don’t remember opening it.  James watches me as I work my way around the room.  My phone chimes again.

Need me to come over?

No, I respond.  Stay with Matt.  Have fun.  Talk to you tomorrow.

I get changed and crawl under the sheets.  I lean over, turn out the light, and wait for James to join me.  A few seconds pass and I don’t feel him beside me.  “Are you coming?” I ask into the darkness.

“Yes,” I hear him say sadly from across the room.

A moment later I feel the familiar cool feeling of him lying behind me, one arm draped over my side.  Despite being upset with him, I have missed this so much.  I scoot backward a little bit to press myself against him.

Minutes pass as neither of us says anything.  I start to wonder if now he’s angry with me.  “What’s wrong?”

“You’re really mad at me,” he says.

“How do you know?”

“You turned off the light.”

“So?”

“Can’t you bear to look at me?”

He’s right.  I always leave the light on when he’s here.  I don’t know what I was thinking.  I turn over and lean forward to turn the light back on.  He immediately comes into focus as I lie back down.  “Sorry,” I apologize.

He presses his forehead to mine.  “Please don’t be mad at me.  I’m sorry.  I should have found a way to tell you.”

“She’s pretty,” slips out of my mouth for some strange reason.

Without hesitation he says, “You’re beautiful.”

“I’m jealous,” I admit.

“Of her?  Why?”

“She got to spend the last night of your life with you.  I didn’t.”

He raises his head to look at me.  “You have me for eternity.”

How can I argue with that?  He stares at me intently and leans forward to kiss me.  I respond eagerly; I have missed him so much.

“Will you forgive me?” he asks.

Even though I still have nagging feelings about what happened, I concede.  “Already done.”

His eyes widen with surprise.

“Don’t think I won’t bring it up again,” I warn him.  “I’m sure I’ll have more questions about little Miss….”

“Rebecca.”

Sarcastically, I arch a brow. “Oh, she has a name?”

James grimaces.  “Can we not talk about her anymore?”

“For now.”

I can see his arms move to pull me closer, so I shift toward him.  “I’ve missed you.”

“I missed you, too,” he says as he kisses my hair.

“Are you learning a lot?  Catching up?”

“It’s been…intense.”

His lips brush my neck, and a chill courses through me.  I tilt my head to give him better access.  “Garrett’s happy?”

“I think so.”

He works his way along my jaw.  “Is this the first time you’ve been back?” I breathe.

“Um-hmm,” he murmurs under my ear.

“So you don’t know about Matt and Shel?  About Dane?”

James stops kissing me and meets my eyes, curious.  “No.”

I can’t help my smile.  This is going to be good.  “Matt stopped by the other day.  He is madly in love with Shel.  Can you believe it?”

“Seriously?”

“He has it bad for her,” I emphasize bad with a wiggle of my eyebrows.  “Shel asked him to keep an eye on me while she’s in Arizona, and he agreed.  He recruited Dane to help since he can’t be around me all day.  Dane only agreed to work at the course to help Matt.  So, you can stop being jealous now Mr. Paranoid.”

James laughs.

“What’s so funny?”

“You.”

“What about me?”

“Matt may like Shel, but his friend doesn’t.”

“So?”

“So?  What’s his obligation to help Matt land Shel?  What does he care?  The only thing he cares about is you.”

I roll my eyes.  “Whatever.  I don’t believe that.  He’s a good friend.”

“Em, listen to me.  I’m a guy.  I’ve been friends with guys.  We don’t give up a whole summer to help out a buddy with a girl unless there’s something in it for us.”

Ugh!  This is not how this conversation was supposed to go.  “Can’t you just be relieved and feel better about our situation?”

“Sure,” he shrugs.  “If that’s what you want.”

“That’s what I want!”

“Well…then, done,” he says.

I narrow my eyes at him.  “Why don’t I believe you?”

“You’ll see.  Dane can’t keep this friend thing up forever.  Trust me.”

“So you’re going to drop it now just so that you can say ‘I told you so’ later?”

“You’re so stubborn it’s worth it,” he smiles.

“You suck,” I pout.  “I thought this would make you happy.”

“I won’t lie; the Matt thing does make me happy, although I don’t get what he sees in Shel.”

I scowl at him. “I would hope not.”

James kisses my cheek.  “I trust you.  Stop worrying.  A little jealousy is healthy in a relationship.”

“Really?  I don’t care for the feeling myself.”

“Let’s make a deal,” he props himself up on his elbow to look down at me.  “I’ll try very hard not to be jealous of Dane if you try very hard not to be jealous of Rebecca.”

The idea rolls around in my head.  Sounds easier said than done, but…  “I’m game.”

James offers his free hand.  I place mine in his and we shake on our deal.  He springs forward unexpectedly, passing through my fingers, and kissing me hard.  The cool feeling of his hand wraps around the back of my neck and then splays up into my hair.  He’s trying to distract me, and it works.  When his mouth stops moving against mine, I open my eyes to see him staring down at me.

“How long can you stay?” I ask him, breathless.

His eyes cloud over and he shrugs, unable to answer.

I glance at the time.  It’s 12:01.  I’m reminded of what day it is.  “Happy Birthday,” I whisper.

“Thanks,” he whispers back.

“I didn’t get you a gift.”

“Your forgiveness is enough for me.”

Running my fingers through his hair, I say, “Make a wish.”

His eyes close briefly and then he opens them again.

“What’d you wish for?” I ask.

He grins at me and his lips find mine.

Chapter 23

“Catch!” Dane shouts as he tosses me a tomato.

I manage to grab it out of the air.  “Hey!  Be careful!”

“Catch!” he yells again and tosses me another.

I catch that one too and look at him with his head stuck behind the refrigerator door.  “Stop throwing things at me!” I laugh.

“Catch!” It’s a head of lettuce this time.

“Oh geez!” I yelp, as I try to catch it without dropping the two tomatoes.  I fail.  I catch the lettuce all right, but one tomato splatters against the tile floor while the other simply bounces.

“Catch!” he warns me again.

“No!  Stop!”  I laugh.  “I’ve already ruined the tomatoes!”

He pokes his head around the door and looks at the floor.  “Well, that’s a mess,” he snickers.

“No thanks to you!”

I move to grab some paper towels.  We’re supposed to be prepping the sandwiches for a small golf outing the next day, but it’s taking longer than necessary.  Everyone who works at Bay Woods has already gone home, with the exception of Kris.

“Dude, we have to get this done,” I complain as I bend down to wipe up the tomato slime.  “I would like to go home sometime this century.”

“Awww,” he pretends to be offended.  He kicks the refrigerator door shut because his hands are full with a large turkey breast, two more tomatoes, and a jar of mayonnaise.  “You’re that anxious to get away from me?”

“Not you, this place,” I groan.

Over the last week, it seems like Kris has been working us extra hard by adding new responsibilities to our current ones, like this sandwich building fiasco.

Dane sets his items down and places the turkey on a huge, metal slicer.  He turns it on and starts cutting away.  “I’ll be sure to go extra fast then, especially while using this,” he nods toward the slicer.  “Who needs five fingers anyway?”

“Stop it,” I chastise him like a mother scolding a child, even though I know he’s joking.  “Be careful.  I don’t know that much first aid.”

He winks at me.

I set to work slicing up the remaining tomatoes and the lettuce.  When that’s finished, I get the bread out and start assembling the sandwiches as Dane places handfuls of sliced turkey on the cutting board.  We work as a two person assembly line.  When the sandwiches are complete, and we’re wrapping the last one, Kris appears out of nowhere.

“Hey guys.”  She looks weary.

“What’s up?” Dane asks.

“This outing for tomorrow is driving me crazy!”  She slams her clipboard on the counter.

“What’s wrong?” I ask.

“I just got off the phone with them.  They keep changing things.  Now they want to add some fruit to the lunches and a dessert.”

“No problem,” Dane says.  “We were just about to start packing the boxes.  Where’s the fruit?”

“At the store,” Kris sighs.  “I didn’t add any fruit to the delivery this week.  And I need to come up with a cheap dessert.”

“Cookies,” I say.  “Cookies are easy.”

“Right!”  Kris’ face lights up like I just solved all of her troubles.

“So what do you want us to do?” Dane asks.

“Could you go to the store for me?  I still have to reconcile today’s drawer,” she frowns.  “I’ll give you some petty cash.  Get two bags of apples and two bags of oranges and the cookies.  Enough for two per person.”

“Sure thing,” Dane says.

Kris disappears to get the cash while we stack the completed sandwiches in the fridge.  When she reappears, she beams at us.  “Thank you so much for doing this!  Here,” she hands me the money.  “I included an extra $20.  Get yourselves something to eat, on me, since it’s so late.”

“Thanks,” I shrug.  I’d rather just go home.

Dane grabs his keys.  “Ready?” he asks.

“As ever,” I reply, following him outside.  At least I don’t have to drive.

Dane leads me to a Chevy Camaro.  A brand new, charcoal gray, leather interior, hot-rod Chevy Camaro.  “When did you get this?” I ask in awe.

“I’ve had it,” he responds like it’s no big deal.

“Shows how much I pay attention,” I murmur.

“Why?” he raises an eyebrow.  “You like?”

“It’s...it’s just…better than my beat up car.”

Dane flashes me a devious smile like he knows I’m lying.  I am lying.  This car is freaking awesome and I don’t even like cars.

When we make it to the grocery store, I grab a cart and we head to the produce section.  “Why don’t you go over to the cookie aisle?” I suggest.  “Decide what to get.  I’ll grab the apples and oranges and meet you there.”

Dane nods and walks off in the opposite direction.

I pick up the first two bags of each fruit I see, checking to make sure they’re not moldy or gross.  I wouldn’t want to have to come back here tonight.  Once I’m satisfied that the fruit is okay, I make my way to find Dane.

I turn down the first aisle – Baked Goods.  I find lots of bread, but no desserts, and no Dane.  I set my sights on the end of the aisle, intent on making this a fast trip.

“Emma?”

Hearing my name catches me off guard.  I glance behind me and stop dead in my tracks.  Standing there, staring at me, is Mrs. Davis.

“H–hi, Mrs. Davis,” I say slowly.

“Catching up on some shopping?” she asks, tilting her head to look at my cart.

“Just picking up a few things for work,” I mumble.  I start to sweat.  I haven’t seen her since the night she and James’ dad came over after the funeral.  Even then, I didn’t really see her; I just eavesdropped on the conversation.  I have no idea what to say to her.  My heart flutters nervously.

“Oh.  Where are you working?” she asks.

“At Bay Woods, the golf course.”  As if there is another.

She takes a minute to assess me from head to toe.  I feel as if I’m undergoing some sort of physical inspection.  I stare at her in confusion as she scrutinizes me.  She looks tired; haggard even.  Her normally perfect, salon-styled, sandy blonde hair is unkempt; like she fell asleep and didn’t bother to straighten her hair before she left the house.  Her clothes even appear wrinkled, and I notice her nails are not manicured.  Mrs. Davis always has her nails done; she’s had a standing appointment for as long as I’ve known her.

“How–how’ve you been?” I timidly ask, afraid I’ll be burnt by my words.  This is probably dangerous territory, but I don’t want to add being rude to the top of my list of faults.

“Well.  Thank you,” she responds curtly as though she’s rehearsed the line a thousand times.

Awkward silence.  Should I just say goodbye and walk away?  Or would now be an appropriate time to apologize for my behavior at the funeral?  My heart pounds.

“It appears that you are doing well also,” she says, breaking the silence.  I can’t help but notice the disdain in her voice.

Curious, I ask, “How so?”

Her blue eyes seem to darken to gray and she narrows them toward me.  “I had a visit from your new boyfriend the other day.”

My eyes widen in shocked surprise.  “Excuse me?”

“Yes, I believe it was last Friday.”  Her expression sours.  “A mutual friend of James and yours?  He stopped by the house to give us his late condolences.  He made sure to tell us all about how the two of you have been helping each other through such a tough time.”

What is she talking about?  That’s impossible!  I shake my head.  “I’m sorry but there has to be some confusion…”

“Emma!” I hear Dane call my name from behind me.  I turn to see him striding toward us.  “What’s taking you so long?  I’m two aisles over and I need the cart…” He stops talking as he reaches me, realizing he’s interrupted a conversation.  “Oh, I’m sorry.”  He holds a hand out to Mrs. Davis and smiles.  “Dane Walker.”

Mrs. Davis eyes Dane’s hand with interest, but doesn’t take it.  “Carol Davis,” she responds coolly.  She turns to me.  “This isn’t the same gentleman who came by our house the other day,” she says.  “Exactly how many boyfriends do you have dear?”  She spits out the word “dear” like it’s poisonous.

“Mrs. Davis, Dane’s not…I don’t have…”

Dane senses the tension and cuts me off.  “We work together.  We’re not dating.”

James’ mother chooses to ignore Dane’s words and my weak protests.  “That’s what happened, isn’t it?” she accuses me, her tone harsh and judgmental.

“I’m sorry,” I shake my head again.  “What are you talking about?”

“James found out, didn’t he?” she sneers.

“Found out about what?  Please Mrs. Davis; you’re not making sense…”

“About all of your men!” she hisses, raising her voice enough so the other shoppers in the aisle turn toward her, confused.  “He found out about you!  You broke his heart!  I always knew you were to blame!”  She’s shouting now.  “You broke my poor son’s heart and now he’s dead because of it!”

The blood drains from my face.  I clutch the handle of the cart as tight as I can to prevent myself from collapsing.  Dane moves to my side immediately.  I can’t speak to defend myself.  I take a quick glance around.  Of the few people in the aisle, some are staring at me with their mouths hanging open.  I imagine others are pretending we don’t exist.

“Go to the car Emma,” Dane says in an authoritative tone.  He holds his keys out to me without taking his eyes of James’ mother.

I’m frozen.  I can’t move.

“I said go to the car,” he says sternly again and looks at me when he says it.

I blink.  Shaking, I reach into my pocket and hand him the money Kris gave us.  He exchanges it with his keys.  I force my legs to move my body forward.  I start to head up the aisle, hoping to make it out of the store with a few shreds of dignity.  I almost make it.  Just as I turn the corner of the aisle, Mrs. Davis blasts me with one last sentiment.

“Whore!” she screams at my retreating figure.

I sit in Dane’s car, shaking.  It’s been twenty minutes, and I can’t bring my body under control.  Mrs. Davis’ voice rings in my ears – “Whore!”  How could she think that about me?  I wonder what happened after I walked out of the store.  Did she say anything else?  My guess is yes.  Did Dane jump to defend me, making it worse?  I close my eyes to escape the nightmare that just took place.  I could never conjure up anything like this, not in my wildest dreams.

I hear the sound of a cart arrive at the rear of the car.  I fumble with the door handle and step out to help Dane with the bags.

“Get back in the car.”  His tone indicates that he’s not playing around.

I shake my head.  “No.  Let me help.”

“Get back in the car,” he says again, softer this time.

I hand him his keys and oblige.  After a few moments, I hear the trunk slam shut.  He walks around the side of the car, opens the door, and slides in.  Dane stares at me for a few a seconds with sympathy, I think.  I look out the window to avoid his gaze as the possibility of tears now threatens.

We ride in silence back to work.  As we near the entrance to the course, Dane pulls off the road unexpectedly.  He throws the car in park, and I turn and frown at him.

“You’re shaking,” he growls and reaches for my hands.  He manages to catch only one, and he presses it between both of his to stop its seizing.

“It’s okay,” I mutter lamely.

“It’s not okay!” he nearly shouts.  “That woman had no right to say what she said to you!”

I give him a weak smile and state the obvious, “I’m not her favorite person.”

“Evidently,” he mutters as he rubs my hand.

“Listen, let’s go back to work and get these lunches done.”  I try to remove my hand from his, but he holds it tightly.

Dane shakes his head.  “You can’t go back to work like this.”

“Like what?  Let’s just do this already!” I yank my hand harder.  “It’s not like it’s brain surgery!”

He lets go of my hand.  “Your entire body is shaking.”

“It’ll stop.”

“No,” he says firmly, putting the car back in gear.  “I’m taking you home.”

“What?  No!  What about my car?”

Dane makes a U-turn.  “Leave it.  I’ll pick you up in the morning.”

“No!  I can’t go home without my car!  My parents will worry especially if they see me like this,” I protest.  “I don’t want to relive what happened with them!  Take me back to work to give me time to settle down.”

Dane appears to consider it because his eyes soften, but he keeps driving anyway.

“Where are we going?  Kris will wonder where we are.”

“We’re supposed to be getting dinner, remember?” he reminds me.  “I’m taking you to my place.”

“Not necessary,” I immediately respond as I will my body to stop shaking.

“I disagree,” he says calmly.

“What are you?  My father?”

Dane looks at me out of the corner of his eye.  “Ah...no.”

I cross my arms in frustration and look out the window, weighing my options to get out of this.  There aren’t many.  Jumping out of a moving vehicle doesn’t really appeal to me.

Dane pulls up to a small complex of townhomes just outside town.  He parks and turns off the engine.  “We’re here,” he says and immediately gets out of the car.

I remain seated with my arms crossed.  Unfortunately, I’m still shaky.  I was hoping to have stopped by the time we got here to plead my case for taking me back to Bay Woods.

He opens my door.  “Come on.”

I look away from him defiantly, and he sighs loudly.  “If you don’t get out, I swear to God, I’ll make you.”

I snap my head around to look at him.  His expression is serious; he’s not joking.  I huff as I haul myself out of the car.  “Happy?” I ask sarcastically.

“Extremely.”

I follow him up the sidewalk to the unit on the end, #202.  We go up a few concrete steps, and I wait on the small porch as he unlocks the door.  He swings it open.  “After you.”

I tentatively walk inside and he follows me, flipping on a light switch by the door.  A small living area is illuminated, and I can see a dining area at the end, which I assume is connected to a kitchen.  In front of me, a flight of stairs extends upward to the darkened second floor.

Dane gestures toward the couch.  “Make yourself comfortable.  I’ll be back soon.”

I turn to face him.  “You’re leaving me here?  What am I supposed to do?”

Dane looks exasperated.  “Sit down.  Relax.  Take a nap.  Watch TV.  Snoop through my stuff.  I don’t care.”  He takes two steps back toward the door.  “I’ll go finish up.  I’ll be back within the hour and then we’ll get your car.”

And with that, he closes the door behind him.

Chapter 24

Awkwardly, I look around the room.  There’s a couch, a loveseat, and a coffee table.  All black.  I walk farther into the living room and gape at the huge flat screen TV.  Who needs a television that big in a room this size?  It sits on a modern looking stand that holds all the necessities – DVD, stereo, Playstation.  I walk over to the small dining table that is surrounded by only two chairs.  In the center is a small withering plant of some kind; it looks mistreated and thirsty.  I don’t think twice about entering the kitchen to find a glass to water the poor thing.  Evidently, horticulture is not Dane’s strong suit.

The kitchen is tiny, but holds many stainless steel appliances.  On the counter, a few drinking glasses lay drying on a dish towel.  I grab one and fill it, noting the stack of dirty dishes left in the sink.  After I water the plant, I refill the glass and take a drink myself.  When I raise the glass to my lips, I realize my shaking has subsided.  Good.

What am I going to do here for an hour?  I glance around the place again.  I look at the dirty dishes and my orderly instincts take over.  I fill the sink with hot water and set to passing the time by washing the dishes.

When that’s done – it only takes me about ten minutes – I wander back into the living room.  I plop down on the couch.  It’s very comfy and soft; it feels like leather.  I look around the room again and realize that, although the place is a little messy, there’s a lot of expensive stuff in here.  My eye falls on two framed pictures on a side table.  I lean forward to get a better look.  The first is a group of guys, Dane included, posing with their arms around one another while they sit on some bleachers.  The second picture is of Dane with his arm draped casually around a beautiful dark-haired girl; both are smiling brilliantly at the camera.  They favor each other.  A sister, maybe?  Dane doesn’t talk much about his family.  Come to think of it, neither do I.  If he’s not teasing me about something at work, our topics of discussion usually revolve around Matt and Shel, annoying customers, or how I’m feeling.  That last topic of conversation is getting old.

I turn away from the pictures, spy a massive remote on the coffee table, and decide to watch TV.  I play with it.  How do I even work this?  I find the power button and press it.  The flat screen turns on but it’s static.  I locate the channel buttons and try to select a different station.  Nothing happens.  After about five minutes of this, I give up and turn the TV off.  I sigh and put the remote back where I found it.  There are a couple of magazines lying on the coffee table.  I select an issue of Rolling Stone and scoot into the corner of the couch to pass the time by reading.

As I flip through the pages, my mind replays today’s events and I shudder.  Well, at least I know how James’ parents really feel.  Sadness clouds my thoughts.  I always feared they disliked me, especially after James decided to leave Ferris.  I mentioned my worry to James in the past, but he always blew off my thoughts telling me they loved me and I was part of his family.  James doesn’t have any siblings; I was the daughter they never had, he’d tell me.  Boy, was he wrong.  Or just covering for them.  I’m leaning toward the latter.

I scoot down to lay my head against the arm rest of the couch and close my eyes.  For once, I’m silently thankful for James’ restriction.  He didn’t have to witness what happened today.  He would be furious.  My thoughts drift to Dane and his actions at the store.  What would have happened if he wasn’t there?  How far would the situation have escalated?  An image flashes behind my eyes; I am curled in a ball, rocking back and forth, sobbing on the floor in the Baked Goods aisle, as James’ mother stands above me pointing and screaming.  Yeah, that very well could have happened.  What did occur was bad, but it could have been much worse.

I turn on my side and realize that I have to thank Dane when he returns.  I need to apologize for being so difficult and thank him for diffusing the situation.  Thank him for allowing me some time alone to process what happened.  Thank him for being an amazing friend when he has no reason in the world to be.

I hear muffled voices and my forehead pinches in a frown.  Who’s talking?  I open my eyes to a hazy darkness.  I blink and focus my eyes.  I’m still at Dane’s and the TV is on, casting the only light in the room.  I must have fallen asleep.  I stretch my legs out in order to turn over and end up kicking Dane in the side.

“Ugh!” he whispers.

I pull my legs back and pick up my head.  “Sorry!” I croak out, my voice thick with sleep.  Dane is sitting opposite me, not quite at the end of the couch.  I move my legs over the side and sit upright just next to him.  “What time is it?” I yawn.

“About twelve,” he says.

I snap awake.  “Twelve?  We should go.  I don’t want to keep you any later.”

“Take your time.  I didn’t want to wake you.”  I look at his profile in the changing light of the television.  He’s resting casually against the back of the couch.  “Your car is outside.”

I stare at him.  “How?”

“You left your bag at the course.  I found your keys and called Matt.  He helped.”

I shoot him a look.  “You mean you went through my stuff to find my keys.”  Not that it matters.  I should be grateful I can get up and leave.

I can see him grin through the light.  “You did my dishes.”

“And watered your poor plant,” I look past him toward the table.  “Are you killing it on purpose?”

He chuckles.  “No.”  He pauses and smiles.  “Find anything else interesting?”

I look at him quizzically.  “I didn’t snoop or anything, if that’s what you’re asking.”

He pretends to pout.

“Are you disappointed?”

“Wellll,” he draws out the ‘L’s, “I was hoping to come back and find you in my bed.”

My mouth falls open.

“Sleeping, of course.”  I think he winks at me.

My mouth snaps shut.  “I’ll settle for the couch, thank you.”

Dane laughs and leans forward to rest his elbows on his knees.   “I’m just kidding.”

Our eyes lock for an instant.  He continues to look at me and it makes me uncomfortable.  It’s definitely time to go.  I break our stare and look away.  “Where’s my stuff?”

“By the door.”

I look over and see my bag hanging from the doorknob, then turn back to him.  “Thanks.”  I stand to walk to the door, and he follows to show me out.

Reaching my bag, I pull it off the handle and loop it over my head and across my shoulder.  I turn around to find Dane right behind me.  There’s no time like the present to offer my apology and thanks for earlier.

“I’m sorry for being difficult,” I say.

“You’re entitled.”

“No, I’m not.  I want to thank you for stepping in at the store.  Without you, I don’t know what would have happened.  I want to thank you for letting me stay here, too, for letting me calm down alone.  It really helped.”

Dane takes another step closer to me.  “There’s no way I wasn’t getting you out of there, even if I had to pick you up and carry you out.  I’ve never seen anyone attack someone like that, let alone a grown woman!  She’s clearly deranged.”

“Really?”  I let out a sarcastic snort.  “How do you know?”

He frowns.  “You can tell just by looking at her that she’s not well.”

I can’t help my curiosity.  “Did she…did you say anything else after I left?”

He regards me for a moment, apparently deciding if he should tell me or not.  I can tell by his eyes he determines I can handle it.

“She told me I should watch myself around you for my own safety, after what you supposedly did to her son.”  He eyes me cautiously.  “Something about being in cahoots with the devil.  Is there something you’re not telling me?” he asks, trying to lighten what he’s just shared.

I swallow.  That woman loathes me.  “What did you say?”

Dane takes another step forward and leans in, so our faces are only inches apart.  His eyes lock on mine, so I will understand how serious he is when he speaks.  He reaches out and places his hands on my shoulders.  “I told her she was the one who needed to go to hell,” he says solemnly.  “That you are amazing to have held up the way you have, no thanks to people like her.  That you loved James.”

I look down, breaking his gaze.  “Thank you,” my voice wavers.  “Thank you for defending me when I couldn’t defend myself.”

Dane’s hand leaves my shoulder and appears under my chin to tilt my face up toward his.  “You shouldn’t be put into any situation where you to have to defend yourself.  Ever.”

My mind flashes to James and all the times I’ve had to defend myself to him.  My love for him, my choosing to work at the course, my having Matt and Dane as friends, my choice to release him when I die.

Dane interrupts my thoughts by letting go of my chin and tucking a piece of my hair behind my ear.  “Do you know what I mean?” he asks.

I nod because I do know what he means.  All too clearly.

He searches my face.  For what I don’t know.  His hazel eyes lock on mine again, and my heart starts to pound.  His breath catches, and I know what he’s resolved to do.  He leans forward to kiss me.  It’s like it’s happening in slow motion and I’m powerless to stop it.  My whole body tenses under his hands, and I close my eyes as if to block it out.

Dane can feel my body go rigid.  I sense him pause for a second and then feel him kiss me tenderly against my forehead instead of my lips.

My eyes pop open.  He searches my face again, still holding on to my shoulders.  He looks cautious, maybe even a little nervous.  I see a realization hit him and he steps back, releasing me suddenly.  “I’m sorry,” he apologizes.  “I don’t know what…that won’t happen again.”

I nod and give him a weak smile.  “I’m not mad.”  It’s the truth.

Dane looks unsure, like he’s overstepped a huge boundary and there’s no going back.  I don’t want him to be upset because, strangely, I’m not.  Did I want him to kiss me?  No.  And he realized that.  I step toward him and he takes a step back.

“Are you afraid of me now?” I ask jokingly, referring to when he asked me that same thing weeks ago.

He appears to relax.  “No,” he smiles.

I step up to him, stand on the tips of my toes, and give him a quick, chaste kiss on his cheek.  When I back down I notice his puzzled expression.  “Thank you for realizing everything I need.”

He shoves his hands in his pockets.  “That’s what I do.”

I turn to the door and pull it open.

“Have a nice night,” he says to me as I step outside.

“You too,” I half-heartedly wave to him.  “See you tomorrow?”

“See you tomorrow.”

I walk down the steps and spot my car immediately.  When I slide into the driver’s seat, I look up just in time to see Dane close his front door.  I can still feel where he kissed my forehead; still feel his hands on my shoulders.  I reach up to touch the hair he tucked behind my ear and feel myself melt a little.

Then I freeze as what happened comes crashing down on me.  What am I thinking?

Chapter 25

It’s been about a week since the “Incident.”  That’s what I’m calling my run in with Mrs. Davis.  Actually, that’s what I’m calling that entire day, including what happened with Dane.  “Incident” is a vague, sanitary term.  That’s why I like it.  Thinking about what happened that day in any detail brings on overwhelming feelings of sadness, doubt, and guilt.  Especially guilt.

I did end up telling my parents about Mrs. Davis – omitting a choice word or two – just in case they happen to run in to her somewhere as well.  They were not impressed to say the least.  My mother wanted to call her immediately and give her a piece of her mind.  I begged her not to.  Who wants to make things worse?  She eventually agreed, but made no promises if she saw the woman in person.

Dane and I have only discussed the “Incident” once, the day after it happened.  It was a brief conversation.

“Do you want to talk about yesterday?” he asked me.

“Not really.”  I continued to empty the beverage cart.

“You’re okay with it then?”

“Yep.  Already forgotten.”

“Good.  I’ll fake amnesia too.”

After that, I had worried that he might start acting differently around me, but my worries were unfounded.  He kept up the same old Dane routine.  Either he had truly pushed it out of his mind or he was a great actor.

The only unresolved factor regarding the “Incident” was James.  He hasn’t been back to visit me since the morning of his birthday; which, as much as I hate to admit it, makes it easier to bury what happened in my subconscious.  But, I still wrestle with whether or not to tell him when I do see him.  On one hand, I want to vent my frustrations regarding his parents and find out how long he’s been lying to me about their acceptance of me in his life.  But on the other hand, I don’t want to cause trouble.  What does it matter if his family hates me now?  Would I like to vindicate myself?  Sure.  Will it solve anything?  No.

And then there’s the matter of telling him what happened at Dane’s…

I sigh as the thoughts that have plagued me for the last week swirl around and around in my head.  I’m not looking forward to it, but I’m going to have to tell James everything.  I don’t want to pull a Rebecca scenario.

My cell vibrates in my pocket, interrupting my thoughts.  It’s Shel.

“Hey.”

“Uncle Tom died this morning.”  Her voice is monotone and void of any real feeling.

“Oh, Shel, I’m sorry.”

“Well, the good thing is that it’s over and he’s out of pain,” she sighs.

“How’s your mom?”

“She’s doing well enough.  She’s on auto pilot right now.”

“How long will it take to make arrangements?  When is the funeral?”

“He didn’t want a funeral or a memorial, so that part is easy,” she tells me.  “We do need to finish going through his things.  We’d already started last week when he was moved to the hospital.”

“Ugh.”

She suddenly perks up.  “But the good news is I’m coming home next week regardless!”

“Sweet!  How’d you talk your mom into that?”

“It’s getting expensive with the both of us staying out here and most of the paperwork stuff is taken care of,” she says.  “Plus, we’ve already got a renter ready for Uncle Tom’s place.”

I hear someone ask her a question in the background.  Shel responds to them, “No, not now.  Hold on.”  She returns to me.  “Listen, I have to go.  But my flight is already booked, and I’ll be home for the Fourth of July.  Ask for it off now; I want all of us to get together.  It’ll be fun.”  She sounds excited.

“’Kay.  Just let me know.”

“I will.”  I hear the person in the background again.  “Gotta go.  Can’t wait to see you!”

“Me too.  Talk to you soon.”  I smile as I hang up.  I’ve really missed having her around.

“Why are you grinning like that?” Dane asks when he returns to the counter.

“Shel’s coming home next week, for good.”

“Oh thank God!” he exclaims.  “I can’t take anymore of Matt’s whining!”

I laugh.  “He’s that bad?”

Dane rolls his eyes and exaggerates his nod.

“When did he turn into such a girl?”

He laughs.  “Memorial Day weekend.”

“Shel wants us all to get together for the Fourth,” I say.  “I told her to let me know the plans.”

“Right,” Dane says, then hesitates.  “Maybe it should just be the two of them?  I’m not down for watching the Matt-Shel love fest.”  He grimaces.

I make a face too.  “Yeah, ick.”  I pause to think.  “I doubt I’ll be able to get out of it though; I haven’t seen her since the birthday party.”

“Hey, that reminds me.  I’ve been meaning to ask you about that.”

“About what?”

“What the heck went down between you and that girl?  She looked terrified of you before you left.”

Oh, that.  I haven’t told anyone about that.  When Shel had asked, I managed to distract her with questions about her and Matt’s night together.  I weigh my options – keep it locked up tight or discuss it with Dane?  It would be nice to get an impartial opinion on the matter.

“If I tell you, will you promise me that you won’t say anything to Matt or Shel?  I don’t feel like fending off a ton of questions.”

Dane leans against the counter and raises his hand.  “Scout’s honor.”

I take a deep breath.  “The girl knew James, but didn’t know who I was.  I didn’t know her either,” I share with him.  “She told me that she and James really connected on the last night he was alive, that they’d met up at a bar.”

Dane wasn’t expecting this and his eyes grow wide.  He frowns, but says nothing.  I imagine his opinion of James heading south.

“James and I…we’d had a fight that night,” I confess, as to defend James’ reason to go out without me.  “Anyway, he went out with some guys, and she was at this bar.  She had had a couple of classes with him and they started talking.  Turns out they talked most of the night.  She started to spill some personal information and got upset.”  Suddenly, I feel like I’m trashing James’ reputation.  I tame down the story.  “James consoled her and it….” I pause.  “It really meant a lot to her.  When she found out who I was she felt bad for telling me, that’s all.”

Dane is still frowning.  “And?”

“And what?”

“There’s more to this story,” he guesses.  “Go back and fill in the parts you left out.”

How does he know?  I recall James’ voice – “You’ve never been a very good liar.”

“His words really helped her,” I shrug and try to play it off.  “She was grateful.”  Extremely grateful.  I can’t help myself as I grimace.

Dane looks as if he’s trying to figure me out.  He regards me for a moment, then asks, “That’s all?”

“That’s all,” I say and try to end the conversation by looking around for something to do.  I grab a rag and decide to wipe down the counter.  For whatever reason, I don’t want Dane to think less of James.  Telling him was a bad idea.

“Hmmm.  With the way she was looking at you, I expected a juicier story.”

“Sorry to disappoint you.”  I concentrate on wiping the clean counter, avoiding eye contact.

Dane opens the register drawer and starts to break open some rolled coins.  “That’s too bad,” he says casually.  “I was hoping you’d give me a reason to dislike her.  She was cute.  I got her number.”

I stop wiping.  I clench the rag in my fist and slowly turn to look at him.  “You did not.”  I’m not amused and it shows.  He knows he struck a nerve.

“Oh, so you don’t like her?”

“I never said I did.”

His eyes light up.  “What’s your problem with her exactly?”

I know what he’s up to.  He’s baiting me.  “I don’t have a problem with her,” I say through clenched teeth and go back to cleaning invisible dirt.

“Oh, okay.  Good.  Maybe I’ll invite her to the Fourth of July thing,” he eggs me on.

“You do that,” I say sarcastically.  I’m not falling for this.

He shuts the register drawer.  “I wonder if she still needs consoling,” he pretends to ponder.

“Humph,” I grunt.  “Go ahead.  Knock yourself out.”

“Not that I’d be able to do it as well as James did,” he concedes.  “It sounds like I could learn a thing or two from that man.”

I stop wiping and glare at him.  “Stop it.”

“Stop what?” he asks innocently.  “I’m just thinking out loud.”

“Well shut up,” I snap.

“Whoa.  Touchy.”  He pauses for a moment.  “Is it that time of the month?”

Seriously?  He did not go there!  “Fine!  You win.  I don’t like her.  Satisfied?”

“Maybe.  Tell me why.”

“Why what?”  I throw the rag against the counter in frustration.  “Why don’t I like her?  Do I have to have one reason?”

He raises an eyebrow.  “Ah, so there’s more than one reason?”

So help me…

I take a few steps forward so I’m inches from him.  If I could punch him with any effect I would.  “Stop pushing me!” I hiss at him and I mean it.

“Why won’t you tell me?” He cocks his head to the side.  There is no way he’s afraid of me.

“Because!”  I look around.  There are only two golfers in the main area and they’re watching TV.  “I’m done discussing this!”

Dane looks around too.  “I don’t think they’re paying us much attention,” he smirks.  “Lame excuse.  Keep talking.”

“Why is this so important to you?”

“It wasn’t important until you made it important.  I can tell when you’re lying, and I don’t like being lied to.”

I clench my fists and stare him straight in the eye.  “He kissed her, okay?  He took her out to his car, he hugged her, he kissed her, and he gave her the shirt off his back!  Happy?” I can feel my chest rise and fall under my labored breathing.

Dane’s face falls.  “No,” he says quietly.

I shake my head in frustration and walk away from him.  I snatch the rag off the counter and walk over to the sink to wash it.

“Emma…”

“What?” I snap.

He walks up behind me.  “I didn’t get her number.”

I already figured that.  “That makes me feel so much better,” I say sarcastically, while I wring the rag to death under the faucet.

“What James did was lousy.”

“You think?”  I turn the faucet off.  Giving the rag one last good twist, I turn to face him.

“No, I know,” Dane says.  “It sucks.”

“You got that right,” I scowl and walk around him to start wiping the other end of the counter.

“Would you stop doing that?”  He follows me.

I scrub the clean counter with the same force I would use to scrub a dirty dish.

“You’re going to take the finish off the laminate,” he says and reaches out, grabbing my wrist, stilling my hand.  I look up at him annoyed.

“Don’t hold him up to be a martyr just because he’s gone.”

I stare at him.

“You can be mad at someone and still love them.”

Don’t I know it.

Dane releases my wrist.  “I’m sorry I pushed you.  It’s getting harder for me to stop myself when it comes to you.”

I’m surprised by his admission, and I don’t know what to say.

Dane backs away from me.  “For what it’s worth, I don’t like her either.  And she’s not that cute.  In fact, she’s hideous.  Frankenstein-esque.”

I can’t help it as a snort escapes.  “Don’t be mean,” I admonish him.  Then I laugh. “Frankenstein-esque?  That’s the best you can do?”

He smiles and shrugs.  “It’s the first thing I could think of.”

I relax.  “Sorry for being difficult.”

“What’s new?  You’re always difficult.  You’ve been difficult since the day I met you.”

I pretend to be offended.  “My apologies.”

A golfer approaches the counter, momentarily distracting us.  “Don’t apologize,” he says as he steps backward toward the register.  “I enjoy a challenge.”

A challenge?  “What does that mean?” I ask.

Dane is interrupted by the customer and I never get an answer.

Chapter 26

Shel decides she wants a pool party on the day of her homecoming.  Although it’s a typical American thing to do for the Fourth of July, I wish she had chosen dinner or a movie or anything else that doesn’t involve me wearing a swimsuit.  I search through my drawer and pull out the two suits I own and sigh.  I can’t remember the last time I wore one of these.  I hold in my hands a bright green bikini and a sky blue one-piece with a white swirl design.  Maybe I can get by with an old pair of shorts and a t-shirt.

“I’d choose the green one.”

I whirl around to see James standing on the opposite side of my bed with his arms crossed.

“But that’s just my opinion,” he smiles and winks at me.

My heart nearly bursts.  A huge grin breaks out on my face and I drop the suits.  I run around the bed to him.

He wraps his arms around me.  “Hi,” he says softly.

I hug him and place my head against his chest, sighing contentedly.  The cool feeling of his body radiates through me.

“Happy to see me?” he murmurs.

“Yes.  Very.”

“I’m sorry it’s been so long.”

I raise my head and smile up at him.  “You’re here now.”

“I am,” he smiles and leans down to kiss me.  When we part, he rests his forehead against mine.  “I snuck away,” he confesses.

I look up at him and frown.  “You did what?”

“I had to see you.”

Worry creases my brow.  “What if Garrett finds out?”

He shrugs.  “This,” he kisses me again, “is worth it.”

I’m still concerned.  “What if you get caught and he decides to keep you away longer?”

James shakes his head.  “He can’t keep me away forever.”

Raising my hand, I trace the outline of his jaw with my finger.  “I don’t want to chance another punishment or whatever our separation is.”

He gives me a crooked smile.

“Do I amuse you?”

“I’m just happy you still want me around.”

“Of course I still want you around,” I say sincerely.  “I want you around me always.  That’s why I don’t think you should test your teacher.”

James’ smile fades slightly.  “I needed to see you.  I won’t stay too long.  Will that make you happy?”

“No.  I want you to stay.  But I don’t want you in any trouble either.”

James releases me, running his fingers down my arms.  “Have I missed anything exciting since I’ve been gone?  Fill me in.”

I study our hands, so I know where to place mine in his without passing through his form.  I don’t want to have the ‘Your-Mother-Thinks-I’m-A-Whore’ conversation right now, especially since our time is limited.  I’m so happy to see him; I don’t want to ruin it with crazy talk.  I opt to discuss something else.

“Shel is home from Arizona.  She wants to have a pool party to celebrate,” I squish up my nose, making a face.

“I take it you’d rather not,” he grins.  Then his smile fades.  “Let me guess who else will be at this party.”

Shoot.  How do I diffuse this?

Honesty.  That’s how.

I look him in the eye.  “If you’re referring to Dane, yes, he will be there, but late.  He has to work.  And you know Matt and Shel are all over each other,” I make the squish-nose face again.

James gives me half a smile.  “Still?”

I relax a little bit.  “Still.  She just got back.  I’ll be the third wheel,” I complain.

“Then don’t go,” James says, like I should have thought of that sooner.

I give him a look that tells him that’s not an option.  “It’s Shel.  I have to go.  Plus, I haven’t seen her in a really long time.  I’ve missed her.”

James moves to raise my hands and I lift them, since he can’t do it for me.  He kisses my knuckles.  “You’ll have fun,” he says.  “Although it would be easier for me if you two would just have a girls’ night out or something.”

“Because it’s all about you,” I tease.

He gives me a huge smile.  “Damn right.”

“Come here,” I laugh and move my hand through his to wrap it around his neck.  He knows what I want and he leans forward to kiss me again.  His other hand leaves mine and I feel it wrap around my waist.  I move closer to him, enjoying this time we have together.

James lips leave mine and he plants another kiss on my forehead.  “Can you blame me for sneaking out?” he whispers.

I shake my head no.  “Can’t you bribe Garrett with something to make him release you from house arrest?” I ask as he runs his fingers up and down my back, tracing my spine.  I shiver, but not because I’m cold.

James laughs.  He knows the effect he has on me.  “I wish.”

“When do you think you’ll be able to come back and stay for awhile?”

“Garrett recognizes my hard work and commitment.  I’ll have a talk with him soon.”

“Like today?” I grin at him.

“Impatient are we?”  He raises an eyebrow, but I can tell my question makes him happy.  Then his expression changes.  “For you, anything,” he says seriously.  “I’ll go talk to him.”

“Really?” I ask surprised.

He nods and kisses me quickly before releasing me.  “I’ll let you know how it goes.”

“You’re leaving?” I pout.

“Do you want me to talk to him about us or not?”

“Yes,” I respond without hesitation.

James smiles.  “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

I stare at him as he fades away.  It makes me feel hollow.  I wrap my arms around myself and pray that his conversation with Garrett goes well.

I walk back over to where I dropped my swimsuits.  I hold one in each hand, deciding which one to wear, then give up and toss them on the bed.

“Oh, hey, Emma?”

James’ voice is behind me.  I turn around, but cannot see him.  I look into the room and ask, “Yes?”

“I changed my mind.  I like the blue one better.”

I roll my eyes sarcastically.  “That’s only because you know where I’m going.”

He chuckles.

I lean over and pluck the blue suit off the bed.  “Then blue it is!”

Turns out, blue it isn’t.  When I was putting the suit on, I heard a loud rip as I pulled the left strap over my shoulder.  It’s just my luck that the seam would split and leave a huge gaping hole that exposed most of my side.  I had no choice but to put on the bikini.  There was no comment from James; hopefully, he was in a deep, convincing conversation with Garrett.

I now sit on Matt’s pool deck, still dressed in my shorts and t-shirt, brooding about wearing the green suit underneath. Not necessarily because James would disapprove, but because I’m incredibly self-conscious.  I am excited to be here with Shel, though.  I think I’ve missed her more than I realized.

“You can’t get a decent tan that way you know.”  Shel’s lying on a lounge chair beside me on her stomach, her pink bikini straps undone to prevent tan lines.

“I’m self-conscious, okay?” I defend myself.  “A good tan is not that important to me anyway.”

Shel squints at me because she’s facing the sun.  “Just take off your damn clothes,” she chastises.  “Be a girl with me.”

I give her a look.

“There’s no one here, but me and Matt,” she grins.  “And he’s taken.”

I roll my eyes and sigh.  “Fine,” I huff as I stand and pull my shirt over my head.  I drop it on the pool deck and drop my shorts on top of it.  I plop back down in my lounge chair.  I stretch out and lean back, closing my eyes to the blazing sun.

“Thank you,” she says dramatically.

I open one eye and stick my tongue out at her.

“Where are Matt’s parents?” I ask.

“At a veterinary conference in Chicago.  They’ll be gone till Saturday.”  She gives me a sneaky smile.

“Ew,” is all I can say.

“Ladies,” I hear Matt approach.  I turn to look in his direction as he walks up the deck steps with two drinks, one in each hand.  He steps up to us.  “For you,” he hands me something frozen with a straw.

“What’s this?”

“Daiquiri,” he smiles as he holds one out to Shel.

“Awww, you remembered,” Shel says in a mushy tone.  She reaches behind her back and starts to tie her straps so she can sit up.

“I got it.”  Matt hands me Shel’s drink so he can help tie up her suit.  He’s all thumbs with the small strings, but manages to get them secured.

I watch in amusement as I take a sip of my drink.  Yum.  Strawberry.

“Thanks babe,” Shel says as she sits up.  Matt’s still leaning over her and she kisses him.  What I thought would be a quick kiss turns into something deeper.

I choke on my drink.

They both turn to look at me.  “Are you all right?” Shel asks.

I try to clear my throat and nod at the same time.  “You two...it’s going to take…” I cough into my arm, “a minute to get used to…” cough, cough.  “Seeing you together,” I manage to finish.  Cough.

“Wrong tube?” Matt smiles as he takes Shel’s drink from me and hands it to her.

I hit my chest with my fist and clear my throat again.  “Yeah.”

Matt checks his watch.  “I’m going to go throw the chicken on the grill,” he nods toward the patio.  “It’s going on five; Dane should be off work any minute.  That way we can eat when he gets here.”

Shel nods as she adjusts the back of her chair to stay upright.  “Whatever you say,” she beams up at him.

Matt rubs her knee as he stands and heads off the deck.  “Don’t think I’m not throwing you in later,” he teases Shel over his shoulder.

She says nothing, and I look at her.  She’s absentmindedly sipping her drink.  “What, no snide comment?” I ask.

“I meant you Emma,” Matt laughs as he glances at me before descending the stairs.

“Ha ha.  Very funny,” I say sarcastically.  Cough.

“So how’d you get today off so easy?” Shel asks me.

I shrug.  “I asked and I received.  Why?”

She looks at me like there’s something she knows but I don’t.  She sips her drink.  “No reason.”

I pin her with my eyes.  “What?”

“Nothing!” she protests.

“Tell me!”

“I just think it’s funny that the golf course owner’s son is stuck working on a holiday and you’re not, that’s all.”  She takes another drink.

I frown.  “Are you telling me Dane is working today because of me?”

She shrugs nonchalantly.

“You do know.  Tell me.”

She sighs sheepishly.  “Matt might have mentioned something about Dane volunteering to work today, so you wouldn’t have to.  Don’t tell them I said anything.”

“You’re the one who brought it up!” I scowl.  Why did he do that?  Now I’m going to owe him.  One more thing to add to the list of nice things he’s done for me.  I take a long sip of my daiquiri.  I may need more than one of these.

We sit in silence for a few minutes, sipping our cocktails.  Water laps at the side of the pool, and Katy Perry sings about being in love with an alien on the radio.

“So,” Shel looks at me, her face serious.  “What is going on between you two?”

I stop mid-sip.  “Us two who?”

“Emma!” she groans and swings her legs off the lounge, so her whole body is facing me.  “You know.  You and Dane.”

“Nothing!”  I respond without hesitation.

She eyes me suspiciously.  “I think I believe you,” she murmurs.  “I told Matt if anything were going on you would tell me.  And you haven’t.  Yet.”

I look at her incredulously.  “There is no ‘yet’!  There won’t be a ‘yet’!”

She sips her drink again.  “You two have been spending a lot of time together.”

“Yeah, at work,” I emphasize.  “And we all know the reason he works there, don’t we?”

Shel’s eyes get wide.  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”  She tries to look innocent and turns around to put her feet back up on the lounge.

I remember my promise to Matt, the one where I wouldn’t tell Shel I knew about the favor she had asked of him, thus resulting in Dane’s Bay Woods employment.  I’ve already said too much.  I decide to let the topic die.  I take another long pull on my drink.  Something bothers me.

“Do you really think I would jump into a relationship so soon after James?” I ask her.  Unbidden, Mrs. Davis’ voice pops into my head.  “Whore!”

Shel looks at me with sympathy in her eyes.  “I don’t.  But I could see Dane making you feel better.  I wouldn’t think less of you if you had a connection with him.”

“We’re friends,” I concede.

“That’s good.  And if it ever develops into something more, hey, you could do a lot worse.”  She gives me a look.

“What do you mean by that?” I shake my drink to dislodge the frozen pieces.  It’s almost gone.

She looks at me like I’m stupid.  “Oh, so you haven’t noticed he’s gorgeous?  And loaded on top of being a nice guy?”

“Loaded?”

“The boy’s got money, Em.  You didn’t know?”

“I knew he had a nice car….” I frown.  If Dane is well-off, then why is he working at the course?  Oh yeah.  Me.

“Matt said the company Dane had an internship with his last year of college kept him on.  I guess he’s this amazing artist.”

“He’s an artist?” I ask, completely baffled.

Shel laughs.  “Maybe you two should get to know each other better off the course.  You can start today.”

I tip my glass up to swallow the last of my drink.  Yep, I know I’m going to need another one of these.  I glance around the pool deck.  “Where’s your cabana boy?”

Chapter 27

About four daiquiris and three hours later, I pull myself out of the pool after being pulled in – again – by Matt and Dane.  For some reason they find forcing me into the water extremely hilarious.  To be fair, I did laugh really hard when Shel went in first; Matt had snuck up on her and pushed her in by surprise.  When she surfaced looking like Cousin It, and heard my hysterics, she decided it was my turn to go in.  From there it just turned into a vicious game of who-can-we-throw-into-the-pool-next.

I haul my dripping self to my chair to enjoy the last of the day’s sunshine.  Dane walks over to me and shakes his hair over my stomach.

“Hey!” I protest.

“You’re already wet,” he says and sits down in the lounge Shel previously occupied.  He stretches out on the chair with a groan.  “I’m beat.”

“Hard day at work dear?” I ask and giggle.  Four daiquiris may be too much for me.  Wait.  Make that five if you count the first one.

Dane grins.  “Why yes, honey, thanks for asking.”  He’s had a few too many as well.

He closes his eyes and places his hands behind his head, lifting his chin toward the sun.  My eyes travel the length of his body of their own accord, I swear.  Everything about Dane is well-defined and hard to ignore.  His arms, his chest, his abs, the way his black swim shorts hang off his hips…

Bad Emma!  I need to redirect my thoughts.

“So, why’d you do it?” I ask to clear my mind.

He opens his eyes and asks, “To what are you referring, Smoochie Poo?” while trying to keep a straight face.

I crack up.  When my laughter subsides, I clarify.  “Volunteer to work for me.”

“Who told you that?” he asks.  I catch his eyes dart to Matt and then back to me again.

“You’ve got to stop doing stuff for me,” I protest and try to look serious.  “I already owe you enough as it is.”

Dane looks at me like he’s dealing with a child.  “Please,” he says sarcastically.  Something catches his eye and he turns to the pool.  I follow his gaze to find Matt and Shel making out in the water.

“C’mon!” he yells at them and picks up a pool noodle that’s lying by his chair.  He tries to throw it at them, but it’s too light and doesn’t even make it half the distance.  “Nobody wants to see that!”

“Then close your eyes!” is Matt’s smart response.  “Whose house is this anyway?”

Dane turns to me.  “He’s got a point,” he says and makes a face.

I raise my hand to the side of my face like a blinder.  “This blocks it out,” I smile.

He follows my lead.  Now we’re turned toward each other with our hands blocking the sides of our faces.  “We look stupid,” he laughs.

I can’t help it.  “You always look stupid,” I say, suppressing another giggle.

“That’s it!” he says and lunges forward.  He grabs my arm as I try to fend him off.

“No!” I squeal as I kick.

Dane leans his shoulder toward my stomach, pulls my arm forward and easily picks me up off the lounge chair, tossing me over his shoulder.

Yep, I’m in the pool again.

I resurface, sputtering.  “Thanks a lot!”  I swim over to the side where Dane is laughing.  He offers his hand to pull me up.

Inspiration hits.  I pretend to reach for his hand as I grab the side of the pool.  Instead of taking it though, I push myself out of the water to wrap both my arms around his leg and then let my body weight pull me back down.

“What the!”

He’s caught off balance from leaning forward to help me and he goes into the pool over my head like I’d planned. I get taken under a little too, and when I wipe the water from my eyes, I try to contain my laughter.  I know I’ll be in trouble when he pops back up.

I manage to pull myself out of the water just as Dane’s hand grazes my heel.  I squeak and jump when I feel his touch.  I don’t want him to catch me.  I run past the lounge chairs and right off the side of the deck.  I don’t know where I’m headed, but I don’t want to be caught.

I round the side of the pool and crouch down by the far corner.  It’s above-ground, so it sits slightly higher than my head.  Matt and Shel are laughing, and I hear Dane’s feet as he runs off the deck to find me.

“You can’t out run me!” he yells.

I don’t know which way he’s going to come around the pool, so I keep turning my head from side to side.  When he appears at the corner directly in front of me, I let out an “Oh shit!” and take off toward the back of the house, rounding the side and heading to the front.  I turn the corner and press myself against the siding.  I need to catch my breath.  I expect him to come right after me, so I peek around the corner of the house.  I don’t see him.  I take some more time to breathe.  The thought crosses my mind that I’m really out of shape.  Or just buzzed.

I decide to slowly make my way across the front of the house, to the next corner.   It never occurred to me that he would backtrack and creep around that way to lie in wait.  When I turn and see him casually leaning against the side of the house, I jump and let out a loud scream.  I start laughing and back away with my arms out in front me.

“I’m sorry!”  I laugh.  “Don’t throw me in again!”

Dane smiles at me mockingly.  “Now why would I do that?”

I keep backing up.  I look around the front yard.  “Leave me alone!  The neighbors can see us!”

He keeps advancing.

I’m not paying attention and the back of my foot hits the rubber edging on Mrs. Randall’s flower bed.  I stumble and the next thing I know I’m falling backward into a bunch of daylilies and mulch.  I turn to try and catch myself.  “Ahhhh!”  I land on my side with a thud.

Dane is hysterical with laughter.  Literally holding his sides.  I start to crack up along with him.

“That,” he walks up to me, “is better than anything I would have done to you.”  He offers me his hand.  “Are you all right?”

I nod and wipe some tears from eyes.  I grab his hand and he pulls me to stand.  Globs of mulch are stuck to my skin on my side, my stomach, my shoulder, down my leg; there’s even some in my hair.  I start to brush myself off.  Dane helps a little.

“Are we even?” I ask, still laugh-crying.

“I think so.  That.  Was.  Great.”

“Well, my middle name is Grace,” I tease.

He pauses for a minute.  “Really?”

“No!” I shake my head smiling.

Dane bends down and picks up a yellow daylily I broke off a plant.  He tsk-tsks like I’m going to be in trouble then gently tucks it behind my ear.

I reach up and adjust it so it won’t fall.  “Can we go back and lay in the sun now?”

He nods, still laughing, and we head to the pool.

As dusk falls, Matt moves Shel, Dane, and I farther out into the yard for fireworks.  We arrange our yard chairs in a line, like we’re at a theater.  Shel throws herself into the chair next to me after hanging our swimsuits up to dry.  She has a bottle of water in her hand.

“Daiquired out?” I ask, nodding toward her water bottle.

“For now,” she smiles.  “This will hopefully prevent a horrid hangover in the morning.”  She takes a swig.  “You should probably have some too,” she suggests.  “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you drink so much.”

I laugh, agreeing with her.  “Five drinks was probably a very bad idea,” I say knowingly, although I still feel okay right now.

“Hey Grace?” Dane asks me from the end of our theater seating.  “Can you pass me a Coke please?”

Ever since my flower bed fall he’s been referring to me as Grace.  “Yep.”  The cooler is by me so I reach in to grab a can.  I pass it to Shel who passes it to Dane.

“Thanks, Grace,” he snickers at me.

I roll my eyes.

“Okay!” Matt calls out from in front of us.  “These fireworks are going to be fabulous!  I got them at Wal Mart.”

We all laugh.  Matt lights the first one and skips a few feet away from it.  It’s a roman candle fountain that shoots multi-color sparks into the sky.  It’s kind of small and lame.

“Ooooo,” we all laugh.  “Pretty.”

“It’s not that bad,” Matt says, defending his show.

Matt proceeds to light roughly seven more fireworks and they’re all the same thing.

“Jesus!” Shel yells from the chairs.  “Didn’t you read the box when you bought these?  Are they all the same?” she complains.

“Hush woman!” Matt yells back to her.  “It’s the best I could do on short notice.”

Matt lights two more and then tells us, “This is the last one.  The Grand Finale!”

“Thank God,” Shel whispers to me.

Matt lights the last firework and it’s more of the same.  Maybe a little larger than the others and it has some sort of noise element that every so often shrieks into the sky.  When it burns out, Shel and I clap wildly for the end of the show.  Dane whistles.

Matt walks up to us.  “That was awesome!” he says sarcastically, then changes his tone, rubbing his belly.  “I’m hungry.  You guys want anything?”

“I could use some food,” Dane says, and I nod in agreement.

Shel stands up out of her chair.  “Me too.”  She looks at Matt.  “I’ll help you.”  She reaches for his hand as they walk away from us and back into the house.

Dane and I are left in our chairs, surrounded by the tiki torches we lit earlier to fend off mosquitoes.  He looks over at me.  “Feeling all right after your fall, Grace?”

“Yes, I’m fine,” I smile and start to laugh thinking about how ridiculous I must have looked.

He laughs with me.  “That was classic.”

When our laughter subsides, we sit in silence staring into the yard.  Suddenly, he stands and takes two steps toward me.  “Walk with me?” he asks.

I give him a puzzled look.  “Okay.”

He takes off toward the back yard, where Matt had been just a few seconds ago.  It takes me several steps to catch up with him.  I walk beside him for a few feet, until we’re completely out of the tiki torches light.  He’s uncharacteristically silent.  I continue to walk beside him, deciding that he’ll talk when he’s ready.

“Watch your step,” he says and reaches out to grab my hand as he helps me over some railroad ties that are lying in the yard.

“What are those doing there?” I ask as I climb over them.

“I think they’re left from Dr. Randall’s failed attempt at a garden.”

“How long have you known Matt’s family?”

“A long time,” he shares.  “Since I was five.”

Dane continues to walk further into the backyard.  How far does it go?  I can barely see in the darkness, but he apparently knows where he’s headed.  Finally we reach our destination at the tree line, which I assume marks the edge of the Randall’s property.  He looks up and I follow suit.  Up in one of the larger trees I can make out the outline of a tree house.

“Matt’s?” I presume.

He nods.  “His and mine.  We had another small one over there,” he points and searches the trees for it.  When he does, my arm moves, and I realize he’s still holding my hand.  I pull it away, and he gives me a curious look.  “I guess it’s gone.”

Eyeing the tree house cautiously, I ask, “Are we going up in this one?”

“Oh no,” Dane shakes his head smiling.  “We’d probably fall to our deaths.  I just wanted to see if they were still back here.”

I walk over to the tree and touch one of the boards nailed to the trunk.  I look up and see several more leading up to the house.  Dane remains silent.  Reminiscing about his youth?  I turn and open my mouth to ask him what we’re doing out here, but when I look at him, he’s staring at me in that way that makes me uncomfortable.

I step away from the tree.  “Well, this one’s still here.  Let’s go back before we’re eaten alive by bugs.”

“Emma, I have to talk to you.”

My stomach instantly knots.  This sounds serious.  Either that, or I’m still buzzed from my reckless drinking.  Maybe I’m not processing things right.  I try to lighten the mood.  “I thought my name was Grace?” I tease.

He gives me a small smile and moves toward me.  I retreat and bump up against the tree, feeling one of the boards at my lower back.

He steps up to me.  Our bodies are nearly touching.  “I don’t know exactly how to say this, so I’m just going to say it.”

“What?” I whisper, because I’m pretty scared I know what’s coming and I know it won’t be good.

He reaches out to touch the daylily that’s still tucked behind my ear.  “I know I promised you I wouldn’t do this…”

My heart starts to race and blood begins to pound behind my ears.  No, no, no, no, no!

In one swift movement his mouth is on mine.  I try to lean back and push him away, but I have nowhere to go with the tree behind me.  His hands have moved to my arms, and he holds me there as his mouth moves softly against mine.  I feel like I’m falling, like my whole body has gone numb, like my limbs are jelly.  Unwelcome warmth starts to spread through me.  I try to resist it.  I attempt to turn my head away, but Dane releases my arm and wraps his hand around the back of my neck, burning my skin where he touches me.  His other arm wraps around my waist, pulling me away from the tree.

Now that I think I have some leverage, I push against his chest again, to squirm out of his grasp.  He feels what I’m trying to do and he pulls me against him.  My arms get smashed uncomfortably in between us, and I move them up to try and break his hold.  His mouth leaves mine and he looks down at me.  “Please don’t,” he whispers.

I don’t know if it’s his plea or the look in his eyes; maybe it’s the alcohol still left in my system.  Whatever it is, in that moment, all my resolve leaves me.  When his mouth crushes mine again, I want it there.  The warmth that I was suppressing in my chest moves outward through my body, and I wrap my arms around his neck, pulling him to me.  A small part of my brain screams “What are you doing?!” but it’s a small part, and it is easily ignored.  His mouth leaves mine and makes its way to my ear; his teeth graze my earlobe before I feel his lips on my neck.  I’m lost in a haze.  I know it’s wrong, but I can’t find one fiber in my being that wants to stop this.

Suddenly a sad, broken, hollow voice cracks over my shoulder.  It shatters my world into a million pieces.

“Now can I say I told you so?”

Chapter 28

Sobriety hits me like a mack truck.  With strength I didn’t know I had, I push hard against Dane’s shoulders.  He releases me, and I stumble backward a few steps.  He reaches out to catch my fall, but I violently push his hand away.

“Don’t touch me!” I snarl at him.

He looks at me bewildered.  My eyes start to fill with angry tears, and I step to the side to move around him.  I have to get out of here.  I have to find James.

Dane backs up a few steps and attempts to stop me from leaving.  He reaches out and tries to block my path with his arm, tries to grab my waist.  I jerk my body out of his reach and start to walk quickly back the way we came.  Dane manages to grab my forearm, and I’m forced to turn and look at him.

“Emma, wait!”

I stare at him as tears course down my face.  I clench my jaw and forcefully try to pull my arm free.  I see his face register my reaction and pain colors his hazel eyes.  He releases my arm.

“Don’t you ever touch me again,” I growl.

I take two steps backward and then turn, picking up speed as I head back to the house.  I leave Dane standing in the backyard alone.  I run away from him.  I run to find James.

When I make it home I burst through the door, leaving it open as I enter panicked.  “James!” I call out.  I look around frantically, wiping the tears from my face.  He’s not here.

I run into the living room.  “James!” I yell again, searching.  I feel a sob building in my chest.  I head for the stairs and take them two at a time.

I make it to my bedroom only to find it empty.  “James!” I call out again.  Silence.  I search my room frantically for any sign that he might be here.  “James, please!” I beg into nothingness.  I have to see him.  I have to beg for his forgiveness.

I wrap my arms around myself and end up sliding to the floor next to my bed.  The sob in my chest continues to grow, threatening to rip through my heart and deflate my lungs.  How could this happen?  How could I allow this to happen?  Mrs. Davis reappears in my head like the Wicked Witch of the West, staring at me disapprovingly.  Everything James has done to be with me I’ve singlehandedly ruined.  How can he forgive this?  He can’t.  I know he can’t.  The sob escapes and I hide my face in my hands.  My heart breaks at the thought that I may never see him again.

I hear the back door slam shut downstairs.  I anticipate my parent’s voices calling up to me to let me know they’re home.  I try to pull myself together, hastily wiping my face and jumping up to see how terrible I look in the mirror.  My eyes are red and puffy; my face is covered with red splotches.  There’s no hiding this.  I make a hasty decision and throw myself into bed.  If they come up to check on me, I can bury my face in my pillow.  That’s where it will be spending the night anyway.

I lie in my bed, my heart pounding, as I wait for their arrival.  But they don’t come.  They don’t call up to me either.  I glance at the clock.  It’s only been a few minutes since I heard the door shut.  I wait impatiently; I just want to lie to them that I’m fine and get it over with.  So I can cry alone.  So I can hate myself in peace.

After twenty minutes pass without a word from them I start to worry.  Then my mind takes a dark turn.  What if it’s not my parents?  What if it’s Dane?  Anger starts to build in my chest.  How dare he?  How dare he come into my house uninvited!  What is he doing down there?  Making himself at home?

I throw off my blankets and march out of my room and down the stairs, ready to give him a piece of my mind.  I pray James is watching.

I can’t see anyone when I descend the stairs.  Confused, I walk through the living room and into the kitchen, prepared to blast Dane with all I have.  When I turn the corner, my eyes zero in on someone seated at the table.

Someone I never expected to see again in my lifetime.

Patrick, my ex-lab partner.

“Hello Emma.”  A smug smile spreads across his face.  “It’s been too, too long.”

A jolt of anxiety rips through my body.  How is this possible?

Patrick looks at me expectantly.  When I don’t say anything, he stands, splaying his fingers and resting the tips in front of him on the table.  “Aren’t you going to say hello?”

I continue to stare at him in shock, taking in his stocky build, cropped blonde hair, brown eyes, and thin-framed glasses.  His overall appearance looks slightly different, but maybe my memory is hazy.  He’s wearing a Budweiser t-shirt and denim shorts.  He starts to come around the table toward me.

“You know it’s not polite to stare,” he says.  His mouth still wears the smile, but his eyes harden at my lack of response.

I force myself to speak.  “Hello Patrick,” my voice wavers.

He continues to advance toward me.  “Ah, you remember me.  That’s good,” he nods approvingly.

My voice is nervous, rough.  “What are you doing here?”

He reaches me and looks me over from head to toe.  The way his gaze slides over my body makes my skin crawl.  “Now that would be giving away too much too soon, don’t you think?”

I take a step back.  The sense that I am in danger rings loud and clear.  I silently tell my Guardian that I get the message.  My eyes dart to the door and back to him.  Is it possible for me to get away?  To make a run for it?

Patrick notices my glance and clicks his tongue.  “I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”

Oh God.  I swallow nervously.

His brown eyes turn dark as the smug smile returns.  “The look on your face is priceless,” he says.  “Even better than I imagined.”

I narrow my eyes suspiciously even though my heart threatens to hammer through my chest.  “What do…what do you want?”

“Oh, I’ve already taken a few things,” he responds, wearing a superior look. “The lock on your bedroom window is broken,” he says, giving me a sly smile.  He reaches into his pocket and produces a pair of my underwear.

I nearly gag at the sight.  He’s been in my room?  How many times?  Were my parents ever in danger?  Anger slightly edges out my fear.  It simmers, giving me a small boost of confidence.  “I don’t know what you think you’re doing, but you are not welcome in this house.  Leave.  Now.”

Patrick lets out a snort of laughter.  “Who’s going to make me?  You?”

All I can do is glare at him.

He crumples my underwear in his hand and tosses them aside.  “Where’s your James when you need him now?  Oh, that’s right.  He’s dead.”  He twists the word dead in his mouth.

“You don’t scare me.”  I’m lying.  I’m scared as hell, but I do my best to sound convincing.

“Let’s see what we can do to change that, shall we?”

He approaches me quickly and holds his face inches from mine.  He’s too close for my comfort and I lean away automatically, turning my head.

“Look at me!” he shouts and grabs my arm.

Flinching, I do my best to face him.  He grips my arm tightly.

“What do you see?” he demands through clenched teeth.

I don’t want to make eye contact.  I struggle against his grip and try to back away.  He grabs my other arm to keep me in place.

“Tell me what you see!” he yells.

I try to focus on his face.  I can make out two somewhat jagged, dark pink lines that cut across his left cheekbone, near his eye.  Now that I’m looking at him closely, I can see the left side of his face is slightly distorted, almost swollen, even though the scars look as if they’ve healed long ago.  Is this what he wants me to see?  “Your face!” I rasp.  “I see your face!”

“Remember that night?  The night you asked your beloved James to hurt me?” he growls.

“I never asked him to do that!”

“Your boyfriend broke my cheekbone, shattered my eye socket!”  He releases my arms with a twist, pushing me away.  “That bastard left me partially blind!”

“I’m sorry that happened to you,” I choke out.  “I didn’t know!”

“Why would you?” he sneers.  “I wouldn’t want to inconvenience your perfect life.”  He pauses and then laughs maniacally.  “But that all came crashing down, didn’t it?”

I say nothing; I am mute.

Patrick shakes his head, his laugh lingering.  He crosses his arms.  “First James dies.  I admit I was shocked to hear the news.  My condolences,” he leans toward me and gives me a look that mocks sympathy.  “I figured you’d be pretty wrecked, but that performance at the funeral,” he lets out a low whistle then looks me in the eye.  “That was something.”  He smiles knowingly.

I take a step to the side.  He mirrors my move.

“After that I thought about things, because, you know, I’m reminded daily,” he points to his marred cheek.  “And I thought, why stop there?  Let’s have some fun.”

His twisted expression terrifies me.  I start to back away from him again.  “Patrick…”

“Slashing your tire was a rookie move,” he admits.  “It brought me no satisfaction.  Breaking into your house was almost too easy,” he pauses.  “So I decided to pay a visit to the Davis’.  Completely trashed your reputation there,” he snickers.  “Now that – that was fun.”

Mrs. Davis’ voice returns to me – “I had a visit from your new boyfriend the other day.”  I shudder.  I don’t know what to say.  All I know is that I have to get away, away from here, away from him.  I don’t know what he’s capable of.  I make a split second decision.  I bolt toward the back door.

“STOP!” he bellows.  He runs around the kitchen island opposite me and cuts me off, blocking my way to the door.

I pant as he continues to walk toward me, pushing me back to where I came from.  “You will not try that again,” he snaps at me.

“Patrick,” I plead with him.  “I can’t change the past!  My life is broken!  What more do you want from me?”

He tilts his head and smiles maliciously as he continues to press me backward.  Before I can react, the heel of my foot collides with the dining room wall.  I have nowhere to go.  Patrick advances toward me and reaches out on either side of my head, pressing his hands against the wall, blocking my exit to my right and to my left.  I cringe as he leans in close.  I can feel his hot breath on my skin, below my ear.

“Oh, I can think of one more way to ruin you,” he whispers and licks my neck.

Chapter 29

Time stands still.  My mind fumbles to wrap around this reality, tries to comprehend the insanity.  How did this day spiral so wildly out of my control?  I feel my face grow hot as my heart starts to sputter spastically in my chest.  My vision blurs, making the room turn fuzzy on the edges.   With just that one act I already feel violated.

Patrick moves to look me in the eye.  His face twists into a lurid smile at the horror on my face.  “I see you understand what I have in mind,” he says and quickly grabs hold of my chin, clutching it painfully.  “You.  Will.  Not.  Move.  Understand?”

I nod meekly.  I understand all too well.  What he doesn’t know is that I’m not going down without a fight.

“Good girl,” he approves.  He roughly releases my chin and brings his hand down hard on my shoulder, pushing me against the wall.  He takes a step closer and stares down at me as his free hand finds the bottom of my shirt and starts to make its way underneath.

It’s now or never.

I slap him as hard as I can across his face.  My skin hitting his sounds like a whip; my palm stings at the contact.

“Arrgh!” he growls and leans back.

I immediately spring to my right and try to take off, intent on making it to the back door.  I only make it a few steps.  He catches me from behind, wraps his arms around mine, and pins them to my sides at my elbows.  I struggle and twist my body against his.  “NO!” I scream.

Patrick turns us and starts to tow me backward against my will, pulling me toward the doorway into the living room.  I’m sure he wants me as far away from an exit as possible.  I plant my bare feet against the wood floor of the kitchen to try and hold on to something, anything that will provide resistance against his pull.

He realizes what I’m trying to do with my feet and lifts me off the ground slightly.  He continues to walk backward, holding me up, as I struggle against him with my upper body.  I can hear him huff with his efforts; he’s getting winded.  “Stop fighting me!” he shouts.

I start to wildly kick my legs.  One of my feet ends up winding around his ankle, and I kick it out from under him.  He loses his balance and stumbles. He falls backward onto the floor, taking me with him.  I land hard on my back and tailbone, partially across his body.  His arms release me, and I roll off him, scrambling to my hands and knees.  I try to stand, but my legs are wobbly.

“DAMN IT!” I hear him yell from behind me.

Adrenaline pumps through my veins.  So much so that I can barely control my movements.  My mind is screaming for my limbs to cooperate, but my arms and legs are all over the place.  I try to focus on coordinating my body to crawl, but it feels like I’m crawling in place, putting no distance between me and my attacker.

I manage to get a few feet away when his hand finds my ankle.  My ribs and my chin smash against the floor as he yanks me backward, knocking my hands out from underneath me.  Pain seers through my jaw, and I scream.

I feel myself sliding across the floor.  Patrick releases my ankle and quickly crawls up my body to grab a handful of my hair.  He hovers over me, straddling me on his knees, and pulls my hair painfully to lift my head up. “I said don’t move!” he snarls in my ear.

He releases my head violently, pushing me, and my forehead cracks against the wood floor.  Oh my God.  The pain is indescribable.  I can’t bring myself to scream, only whimper.

Patrick rolls my body underneath him so I’m lying on my back.  He remains over me, kneeling.  My world swirls; I can see his face, I can see the top of the doorframe above us.  I feel him move my arms to my sides and pin them against my body with his knees.  I try to move them, but my head is throbbing and black spots dance across my eyes.

He leans over me, his face looming above mine.  My mind registers that his glasses sit on his face askew.  I feel his hands at my waist, pulling at my shorts, unfastening them.  I try to move my legs to kick, but it’s as if I’m paralyzed.  I close my eyes to brace for what’s about to happen, willing my body to recover and cooperate.  I open my eyes to see if the dark spots are gone.

And see James.

He stands over us, a look of pure horror on his face.  “James!” I choke out, my voice barely audible and raspy.

Patrick hears me and smiles wickedly.  “James can’t save you, sweetheart.”

I focus on James.  His face reflects everything I’m feeling – hatred, revulsion, disgust, and fear.  He lunges at Patrick, wrapping his arms around his chest to pull him off of me.

It has no effect on him.

But it does on me.

The dark spots disappear and even though my head throbs with excruciating pain, I start to writhe and twist beneath Patrick.  He squeezes my body tighter between his knees to stop me.  When that’s not enough, he removes his hands from my body and pins my shoulders to the floor.  “Don’t make me hurt you anymore than I already planned!”

I see James wrap his hands around Patrick’s neck and squeeze.  Patrick doesn’t budge.  James steps back and kicks Patrick repeatedly on his back, in his side.  He takes another step back and side swipes Patrick’s head with his foot.  Still nothing.  James looks at me terrified and helpless.

I return his tortured gaze.  How long can I fend Patrick off?  How badly is he willing to hurt me?  I know the obvious, but how far will he go to incapacitate me?  My only option is to keep fighting.  James gives me the strength.  I spit in Patrick’s face.

“You bitch!” he snaps and reflexively backhands me.

All I can see are stars.

Three loud knocks at the back door make both Patrick and I jump.  BAM!  BAM!  BAM!

Patrick looks down at me and covers my mouth with his hand.  “You say nothing,” he warns me.

“Emma!”

It’s Dane.

“Emma!  It’s me!” he shouts.  “We need to talk!”  He pounds on the door again.

My eyes flash to James.  “Scream Emma!” he yells at me panicked.  “Scream!”

I nod under Patrick’s grip and bite down hard on the flesh of his palm.  He snatches his hand away and lets out a loud hiss.

And I scream.  I scream louder than I ever thought I was physically able.

“EMMA!” I hear Dane yell my name as Patrick slams his hand down on my mouth again.  I start to twist and kick again underneath him.  I hear the door handle rattle and turn, but it doesn’t open.  Patrick must have locked it.

“EMMA!”  I hear loud thumps against the door, the sounds of Dane trying to kick it in.

Patrick looks around the room frantically weighing his options.  I can see James still trying, still kicking and hitting Patrick to get him to release me.

The door gives way with a loud crack.  Dane runs inside, and I make eye contact with him immediately.  I’m lying in between the kitchen and the living room held down by Patrick.  His eyes turn wild with fury as he registers the scene.  He races toward us and dives at Patrick, knocking him off my body as they tumble to the floor.

I scramble backward as James rushes to my side.  “Emma!” he yells as he reaches me.  He grabs my face in his hands, and I look up to oblige him.  “You have to run!  You have to run now!”

I turn and look at the back door as it hangs open.  I hear a loud crash and my attention is drawn to the living room.  Dane and Patrick are a tangle of arms and legs.  They’ve hit the coffee table and shattered a crystal vase that my mother had placed there.  I sit transfixed for a moment as I watch Dane punch Patrick in the side repeatedly, under his ribs, as they wrestle on the floor.

“Emma!” James shifts my focus.

I look at him and nod.  I stumble to my feet.  My head throbs relentlessly.  I take two steps toward the door and stop.  I look back at Dane and Patrick.  The fight has shifted; both assailants are now standing and circling each other.  Patrick favors his side and Dane’s nose bleeds.  I can’t leave Dane.  I have to help him.

James sees my decision in my eyes.  “No!” he hollers at me.  “Get out of here!  He can handle this!”

I want to run away, but my conscience tells me no.  Or my Guardian tells me no.  I’m still fuzzy on how that works.  “I can’t just abandon him!”

“The hell you can’t!” James fires at me.  “You’re hurt!”

“Someone’s…my Guardian is telling me to stay!”

James curses under his breath.

Dane and Patrick are too focused on each other to pay attention to my one-sided conversation.  Dane swings at Patrick and misses; Patrick takes a step and turns his back toward me.  I look around hurriedly to see what I can grab to hit Patrick with.  My eyes fall on a heavy bronze candle base on the side table.  I race forward and grab it, knocking the candle off the top.  I cross the short distance to Patrick and pray I have enough strength to do some damage as I raise the base over my head.  My action distracts Dane and he catches my eye.

Alerted to my presence behind him, Patrick swings suddenly and catches me square in the chest with his forearm.  It’s enough to knock the wind out of me and send me flying.  I trip and fall, landing on my side, my weapon flying from my hands.

Someone lets out a guttural growl.  I don’t know if it’s James, Dane, or Patrick.  I do know that my lungs gasp for air, my head throbs mercilessly, and I’m having a hard time deciding on my next move.  Blackness starts to creep into my line of vision again.  I fight it.  I cannot pass out.

Dane charges into Patrick, knocking him back and against the floor in front of me with a loud thud.  They roll and Patrick tries holding Dane down.  Dane pushes him off easily and backs up to stand.  I see Patrick search the floor, smile, and reach out to grab something.  He stands again and starts to advance.

“What are you going to do with that?” Dane taunts Patrick even though his breathing is labored and blood runs down his chin from his nose.

Patrick glares at Dane, sidesteps, and tries to work him into the corner.  I’ve managed to get to my knees, but I’m having a hard time moving past kneeling.  James is by my side.  “Stay down!” he yells at me.

I look at Patrick and Dane again.  Patrick holds a shard of the broken vase.  He clutches it so tightly that I can see blood starting to creep around his fingers.  He jabs at Dane with it.  He misses.

“Is that all you’ve got?” Dane taunts him again, running the back of his hand under his nose, smearing his blood across his forearm.

Patrick goes at him again.  He misses the mark, but he’s getting closer.  I can’t stop myself and yell, “Dane!”  I’m sure it’s anything but helpful.

“Get out of here!” he shouts without looking at me.

I can feel James’ cool grip around my arm as he tries to help me stand, as he tries to pull me away.

The next time Patrick moves at Dane, Dane’s ready.  He grabs a hold of his forearm, the hand that holds the glass, and tries to twist it so he’ll drop his crude weapon.  Patrick breaks his hold and lunges forward again.

“UGH!” Dane grunts and Patrick grins wickedly.  I know Dane’s been hit.

“NO!” I scream from my knees.

Dane staggers trying to catch his breath, bent over and clutching at his side.  Patrick shifts his gaze to me.  “Already on your knees,” he leers.  “Perfect.”

Will he never give up?

What he says enrages James.  He leaps to his feet from my side, murder in his eyes.  He barrels straight for Patrick.

And what happens next astounds me.

James hits Patrick hard, head on in the chest, ramming him with his shoulder.  Patrick’s eyes grow wide as his breath is knocked from him by an invisible force, as his body is literally knocked up into the air.  He flies backward and lands on the brick hearth with a sickening crunch, his head hitting the glass fireplace doors.

James turns to me and blinks, shocked by what he’s done.  Dane pulls out the shard of glass embedded in his side and looks up, confused.  He turns to me briefly before a moan escapes the wounded, drawing his attention back to Patrick.  Patrick raises his body to his elbows, bends his knees and tries to stand.  Dane is in front of him in two strides.  He reaches out, grabs Patrick’s head between his hands, and slams it against the fireplace doors.  Patrick slumps to the side, unconscious.

Dane instantly turns to me.  His eyes look haunted as he looks me over.  “Emma?”

It’s only now that I realize I’m crying.  I don’t know when I started, but I feel the tears running down my face.  My muscles ache and my head pounds.  I start to feel dizzy, so I close my eyes.

“Emma!” Dane yells as I crumple to the floor.  When he reaches me, I feel him touch my neck, looking for my pulse.  He strokes my forehead, pushing my hair away from my face.  “Hold on,” he whispers and then disappears.

When I hear the familiar touch-tones of the phone, I know he’s in the kitchen.  For some reason I can hear the operator on the other end of the line loud and clear.  “911. What’s your emergency?”

As Dane quickly asks the operator to send help, I feel James’ cool touch against my cheeks, my neck, and my arms.  I feel his concentrated kiss on my lips and then again against my forehead.  I feel his coldness slide under and around me somehow, and I manage to open my eyes to slits.  I see his knee in my line of vision as he cradles my head against his leg.

“I love you,” he says, his voice cracking, as he strokes my shoulder with one hand and my hair with the other.  I close my eyes to try and block out the incessant pounding in my head, to make my mouth form words.

“I love you,” I’m barely able to whisper.  I’m not sure if he hears me.

Chapter 30

The light is too bright; it hurts my eyes.  I try again, opening them slowly this time.  When I see the industrial fluorescent light fixture on the ceiling, I know I’m in the hospital.  My mind registers the fact that my head doesn’t hurt as badly anymore; there’s just a dull thrumming that matches my heartbeat.  I feel tightness around my left hand and the familiar rub of a thumb against mine.  I roll my head against the pillow and allow my eyes to focus on Dane, seated by my bedside, holding my hand.

“Hey Grace,” he smiles at me, relief flooding his features.

“Hey,” I croak out.

“How’s your head?” he asks, worried.

“It’s…it doesn’t hurt too bad.”

He lets out a nervous laugh.  “You sure know how to give a guy a heart attack, you know that?”

I smile.  “I’m sorry.”  My eyes shift to look around the room; they catch the monitors and other medical equipment on a stand tucked against the side of the bed.  None of it is attached to me.  I take in the white walls, white ceiling, and the generic landscape picture on the wall.  The room looks empty except for us.

“Where is everybody?” I rasp.

“Your mom and dad just left.”

Images and sounds start to flood my brain.  I remember heavy footsteps and unfamiliar voices asking me questions.  I remember hearing my dad’s frantic voice; I’ve never heard him so panicked in all my life.  I remember lying on a stretcher, my mother’s concerned face hovering above me as she walked next to me.  I remember mumbling an apology, telling her I would clean the blood off the floor.

My memory flashes a picture of Dane walking toward me, holding his side and bleeding.  I look at him alarmed.  “Are you okay?  Are you hurt?”

He gives me a reassuring smile and continues to rub my hand.  “Please.  I’m fine.”

“No, you weren’t fine,” I shake my head, “I mean, aren’t fine…”

Dane lets go of my hand and pulls up the right side of his shirt, exposing a bandage.  It wraps slightly around his side and extends an inch or two across his chest.  “13 stitches,” he states matter-of-factly.  He taps the dressing and then releases his shirt.  “I’ll live.”

“Lucky 13, huh?” I ask and try to clear my throat.  It’s so dry.

Dane reaches forward and presses a button connected to the hospital bed.  “I might even end up with a scar worth bragging about,” he smiles, collecting my hand again.  “Of course you’ll be the first person I show it to.”  He lifts my hand and kisses my knuckles.

At first I smile at his comment, but then my smile slowly fades.  He can see me processing what he just said; he can see me remembering.  I’m sure I can see my reaction to his kiss playing back in his hazel eyes.  His face falls a little and he releases my hand, setting it back on the bed.

The door to my room opens and a nurse comes bustling in.  “Is our patient awake?” she asks politely.

I look at her and nod.  In one hand she carries a Styrofoam cup with a straw and in the other she carries a small paper dish.  “Water,” she says as she hands the cup to me.

I take it from her and take a long pull from the straw.  The water soothes my dry throat almost immediately.  The nurse – I catch her name badge, Anne – dumps the contents of the little dish into my hand.  “Take these,” she says.  “They’re Ibuprofen.  The doctor on call will give you a script for something stronger when you’re discharged.”

I toss the pills in my mouth and swallow them down with a gulp of water.

“Are you hungry?” she asks.

“A little,” I tell her as she places a thermometer in my mouth.  “When do I get to go home?” I mumble.

“Should be this afternoon.”  She removes the thermometer when it beeps.  She walks to my chart and scribbles something.  “You were only admitted overnight for observation.  Standard procedure for a mild concussion.”

I nod in understanding.

“The doctor will be in shortly.”  She looks at Dane.  “Will you be taking her home?”

“Uh, no,” he shakes his head.  “Her parents said they would be back in about an hour or two.  I’ll call them to let them know she’s awake.”

“Good,” she smiles at us as she heads out the door.  “I’ll send in a snack.  Feel better soon.”

Dane turns to me as he stands.  “I’ll go, so you can rest.  I’ll give your parents a call; they left me the number.”  He starts toward the door.

He can’t go.  There’s too much we have to talk about.  “Wait.”

He stops and looks at me.

I clutch my cup of water.  “We have to talk.”

He shakes his head and gives me half a smile.  “Not now.”

“Yes now,” I demand and tuck my water cup by my side.  I hold my hand out to him.

He appears to think about it, then retreats a few steps and grasps my hand.  He sits down next to my bed again and moves his chair closer.

“I have to thank you,” I say sincerely.  “Without you, who knows what –”

“Don’t even think about it,” he cuts me off.  “I’m happy to have put that creep out of his misery.”

Out of his misery?  “He’s not…he’s not dead, is he?”

Dane lets out a sarcastic snort.  “No.  But he should be.”

“Where is he?”

“He’s here somewhere,” he frowns.  “But as soon as he recovers he’ll be arrested.”  His face immediately shifts with concern.  “Don’t worry,” he says looking into my eyes.  “He will never touch you again.”

I squeeze his hand.  “I held my own pretty good there for a minute.”

Dane’s frown deepens.  “Not from what I saw.  You really should have gotten out of there like I told you to.”

“I’m sorry I have such creepy friends.”

His eyebrows shoot up.  “Are there more?”

“No, not as far as I know.”

“Good,” he sighs with fake relief.  “I was thinking you might have to hire me as your full time bodyguard.”

I laugh.

“Not that I’d mind,” he adds softly.

I have to admit that my heart does a little flip when he says this.  But I love James.  I will always love James.  I’ve made a promise to him that I cannot break.  This is going to be so hard, but things are only going to get worse if I say nothing, especially after this last incident.

Dane can sense my apprehension.  “Emma, listen…”

I take a deep breath.  “I can’t be anything more than your friend,” I say quietly.  “I wish I could be more, but…I just can’t.”

Dane stares down at our hands.  “I know.”  He meets my eyes again.  “It’s too soon.  It was dumb of me to try what I did and for that I’m so sorry.  It’s just…I needed a question answered and I decided that was the time to ask it.”

My voice is soft.  “Did you get your answer?”

He nods solemnly.  “Yes, unfortunately I did.”

Tears jump behind my eyes.  “I’m sorry about how I reacted.  It’s just that things are complicated…” I can’t tell him my dead boyfriend saw us kiss.

Dane rubs my hand gently.  “That’s not what I meant.  I had a question to ask myself.”

I stare at him confused.

He shakes it off.  “Don’t worry about it.  Especially now.  You need to take it easy.  You need to heal.  And not just your head,” he gives me a crooked smile.  “But your heart and mind, too.  It’s not going to be easy to forget what that psycho tried to do to you.”

I blink to prevent any tears from appearing.  “You really are too good to me.”

He tilts his head to the side and smirks.  “That’s what I do.”

“Friends?” I hopefully ask, realizing I don’t think I could bear it if he says no.

He pauses for a moment, studying me.  “Always.”  He gives me a small smile and squeezes my hand, then reaches into his pocket.  He hands me his cell.  “Call your parents.  They’ll be thrilled to hear from you.”

I take the phone.  “Thank you.”

He shrugs.

“No, thank you for agreeing to still be friends.”

“Call your parents,” he says sternly, obviously done with this conversation.

I dial the number and wait for my mom to pick up.  When she does, she tells me that she and my dad are turning around and headed my way.  As I talk to her I can’t help but catch Dane’s eye.  He’s looking at me, but it seems as if he’s looking through me.  I mouth “What’s wrong?” while still listening to my mother.  His eyes snap to mine and he shakes his head, replacing his sad smile with a more genuine one.

I hang up and hand him his phone.  “They’re on their way.”

“Good.  I think you should rest.”  He stands.  “I’ll see you later.”

“You don’t have to go,” I protest.  “Wait with me until they get here.”

He gives me a small smile.  “I can’t.”

“Why not?”

He steps forward and leans down to me.  He reaches around my neck, holding me gently, and presses a soft kiss to the top of my head.  “Feel better Grace.”

He walks out the door before I can stop him.

When I arrive home with my parents, Mike, Kate, Matt and Shel are all waiting for me.  Shel wraps me in a hug that rivals a boa constrictor.

“Jesus girl,” she holds me tightly.

Matt envelops both of us in a huge bear hug.  When they release me, my brother walks up awkwardly.  I can tell he has a lot to say, but doesn’t know how to start.  I make the first move and embrace him instead, followed by Kate.

“We’re so glad that you’re all right,” she says in my ear.

Mike, Kate, Shel and Matt did an amazing job of cleaning up the house after Patrick’s “visit.”  There’s almost no sign that anything happened, with the exception of the broken door and missing vase.  We all end up in the living room where Shel sits protectively by my side and where the discussion, inevitably, revolves around the events of last night.  Even though the room is full of familiar loving faces, I can’t help but see Patrick, Dane, and James just about everywhere I look.   I try to keep the details brief when I’m asked questions; I’m going to have to relive everything tomorrow morning, when the police send over an officer to collect my official statement.  I spend a lot of time staring at the floor.

After about an hour or so, people start to grumble about hunger and pizza is delivered.  I pick at my plate and look at the faces that surround me.  My friends and family eat, smile, and laugh while the gross topic of my attack is abandoned, for now.  An overwhelming feeling of love and gratitude washes over me.  My heart wants to burst with the feelings I have for these people, for how much they love me, and I love them.  For how much they know what I need.  Then, suddenly, my heart pinches with sadness.  Two very important people that I love dearly are missing around my table – James and Dane.

My manager Kris calls in the middle of our impromptu dinner party to express how horrified she is by what’s happened.  I didn’t ask, but I assume she was told by Dane.  The doctor who discharged me from the hospital wrote me off of work for one week.  Kris demands that I take two.

“Don’t worry,” Shel smiles after I get off the phone.  “We’ll find ways to keep busy.”

Our guests hang out longer than I expected, and by the time I look at the clock it’s just after ten.  My dad turns on the TV, and my attack makes the news.  I don’t know why I would expect any different, especially since we live in a relatively small town.  Thankfully, the details are very generic and my name is withheld.

I decide that now is as good a time as any to call it a night.  “Thanks for coming over,” I tell Mike and Kate as I hug them goodbye.

“Love you Ems,” my brother squeezes me.

My mom reminds me that she’ll be waking me every hour to check on me per doctor’s instructions.  My dad hugs me good night, as does Matt.  Shel follows me to my room.

“You’d think I was leaving or something with all the hugging,” I say to Shel as we step into my bedroom.

She turns to me and wraps me in another constrictor-like grasp.

“Oooookay.”

She steps back.  “Do you know how much you scared us?” she asks anxiously.  “I mean, it wasn’t your fault, but the whole idea…” She hugs herself and shudders.  “God Em, how are you handling this?”

“I don’t know,” I say honestly.  “One minute I’m fine.  Then the next my mind is replaying what happened, which creeps me out entirely.  Then the next minute, I’m fine again.”

Shel looks at me with sympathy.  “You should have stayed with us at Matt’s.  Then this wouldn’t have happened.  Why did you leave anyway?”

I ignore her question, but refute her theory.  “Based on what Patrick said, he would have found another time to get to me.”  I look over at my bedroom window, the window that he said he came through.  A chill runs down my spine.  “Shel?”

“Yeah?”

“Will you stay with me tonight?”

“Of course!  One sec.”  She leaves the room and I hear her descend the stairs, telling my parents and Matt that she’ll be spending the night here.

I walk over and study myself in my bedroom mirror.  The right side of my face is swollen, and there’s a shadow of a bruise around my eye and a darker one across my cheek.  I look like I haven’t slept in weeks.  I remember the feeling of Patrick’s backhand and wince.  Ouch.

I pull out pajamas for Shel, change into my own, and then crawl into bed, keeping an eye on the window the entire time.  My dad said he repaired the lock and logic tells me Patrick’s not coming back through it, but my heart still picks up its pace.  I look around the room hoping to see James.  I know he can’t stay with Shel here, but I could really use even the briefest glimpse of his face.  I expected to see him sometime today.  My heart skips a beat.  Is Garrett upset with him?  Did his involvement in protecting me cross some sort of Guardian line?  Or is he now processing the kiss with Dane?

Shel reappears in my doorway.  She grabs the pj’s, changes, turns out the light, and crawls in my bed to lay opposite of me.

“Thanks,” I say.

“Absolutely not a problem.”

We lay in silence for a few moments.

“Do you want to talk or do you want to sleep?” she asks.

“A little of both, I guess.  Just…let’s not talk about Patrick.”

“Done,” she pauses.  “Why did you leave Matt’s?”

Ugh.  I should have known she wouldn’t leave it alone.  I decide to tell her, since I’ve already discussed it with Dane.  “Dane kissed me.”

I can see the outline of her reaction in the dark.  Her eyes grow wide, her mouth forms an O.  “Well, then, that explains a lot.”

“How do you mean?”

“When Matt and I came back with the food we found Dane sitting alone.  Matt asked where you were and he said that you had to leave.  I tried to call you, but you wouldn’t answer.  After, like, almost an hour he just suddenly stood up, said goodbye, and left.”

I make a face in the darkness.  “My reaction to his kiss was….kind of harsh.”

“Emmmmma,” Shel draws out my name, like she’s disappointed in the way I handled things.

“You know I love James,” I defend myself.

“And you know he’s gone, right?” she comes back.

“Seriously?  Thanks for the reminder.”

She sighs.  “I just want you to be happy.”

“Who says I’m not happy?”

I can see her glaring at me.  She makes a wise choice though and drops it.

“Besides, Dane and I talked this morning,” I elaborate.  “I told him we could only be friends.”

“Hmmm,” Shel purses her lips.  “So that’s why he wasn’t here tonight.”

“No.  We talked this morning.  He didn’t need to come by again.”

Shel flops from her side to her back, making the whole bed shake.  “Emma, I’m trying to remain calm.”

“Please do,” I say sarcastically.

She turns her head to me.  “The man saves your life.  Bleeds for you.  Stays by your bedside for an entire night while you’re under observation in a hospital.  And you give him the friends line?”

“Who says he was there the entire night?”

“Um, your parents!  They didn’t even know who he was to begin with.  He didn’t even want the stitches; he just wanted to be with you.”

I groan.  This is worse than I thought.

“Couldn’t you have at least said you could only be friends for now?  Give the guy a little hope?”

I sigh.  This is so much more involved than she knows; more involved than she can know.  I look at her squarely through the darkness.  “I love James.  I will always love James.  End of story.”

She meets my stare head on and fires back.  “Are you saying that to convince me...or yourself?”

Chapter 31

I lie on my bed and stare at the ceiling.  Shel has gone for now and I lie there pondering her question.  I never answered it.  I hate that she asked it.

“Emma.”

I sit up quickly.  Too quickly.  My head swims a little, but I can still focus on James.  My body sags with relief, Shel’s question forgotten.  “Hi.”

He’s immediately by my side holding my face in his hands.  His eyes focus on my bruises and the swelling.  His face turns grim.  “Are you in pain?”

Shaking my head, I smile, happy that he’s finally here.  “I have some pretty great pills.  Vicodin.”

James frowns as he continues to look me over.

I place my hands on top of his.  “Stop.”

He stares into my eyes, and all I can see is worry and distress in his.  “How badly are you hurt?”

I sigh and remove my hands from my face.  He does the same.  “I have a mild concussion.”

James closes his eyes as if in pain himself.  “I’m so sorry,” he whispers.

“It’s not your fault,” I reassure him.  “It could have been a lot worse.  No one saw this coming.”

“Exactly,” he stands and starts to pace.

His anxiety worries me.  “What’s wrong?”

“Everything.”

My heart plummets at his response.  “Everything?”  This is it! my mind shouts at me, Patrick.  Dane.  It’s all pushing him away from you!

I stand and approach him.  “Tell me what’s wrong.  We can make it right.”

He looks at me, searching my face.  “I can’t protect you.”

I wrap my arms around his waist.  “I don’t need protecting.  Patrick will be arrested and that’s the end of him.  And besides, you did protect me.  What you did…what you’re able to do…it helped save me.”

He reluctantly wraps his arms around me.  The cool feeling penetrates my clothes and soothes my skin.  “Helped,” he snorts and rests his forehead against mine.  “You deserve better than that.”

“I deserve you,” I say adamantly.  “Someone who sacrificed eternity to become a Guardian?  In order to come back to me from death?  I’d say that qualifies as best.”  James kisses my forehead, and I let out a heavy breath.  “I’m the one who should be apologizing.  Not you.”

He steps back from me.  “For kissing…him?”  He can’t even say Dane’s name.

I look up at him ashamed.  “Yes.”

James places his hands on my shoulders and gives me a concentrated stare.  “I won’t lie.  I was angry.”

I knew this, but hearing him say it feels like I’ve been punched in the stomach.  “I…I resisted and then I don’t know what happened,” I sadly confess.  “When I heard your voice I knew…”

“You were caught?” James finishes my sentence.

I silently pray that the floor will open up and swallow me whole.  Quickly.

“I always think you’re watching,” I whisper.  “I didn’t plan for it to happen; it was never my intention…”

He wraps his arms around me, cutting me off.  “It doesn’t matter.”

“What do you mean it doesn’t matter?  Of course it matters.”

“You were brutally attacked in front of me.  I could have lost you.  If not physically then quite possibly mentally.  Talk about a wakeup call,” he says.  “Am I upset that you kissed him?  Yes.”  He pulls away from me.  “But that doesn’t make me love you any less.”

I blink at him in disbelief.  “Are you serious?”

He nods as his bright blue eyes cloud over.  “It only makes me realize some things about myself.”

I move my arms to reach around his neck.  “I spoke with Dane yesterday.  I told him straight out that we could only be friends.”

“I saw.”

“You saw?  Why didn’t you say something?”

“You had company.”

“I didn’t think you came to visit me at all in the hospital.  I was wondering where you were, I was worried you were in trouble again.”

“No, I’m not in trouble.  I was with you through the night,” James pauses and shakes his head.  “Me on one side of the bed and Dane on the other.  It was an interesting evening.”  He sighs.  “I can’t hate the guy as much as I’d like to.  Don’t get me wrong; he’s not my favorite person.  But, he did something for you that I couldn’t.”

“I love you.  You know that, right?”

He shakes his cloudy look away and gives me a small smile.  “I do.”  His arms encircle my waist, and he leans in to kiss me.  What starts as a gentle kiss grows into something hungry.  “I love you.  Never forget that,” he says when we part.

I don’t like the sadness in his eyes.  “I’ll never be able to forget.  You’re mine for eternity, remember?”

“Emma!” my mother shouts up the stairs.  “Sergeant Reynolds is here!”

“I have to give my statement to the police,” I tell James.  “Can you stay with me?”

“I’ll stay as long as I can,” he says, his eyes boring into mine.

I nod and turn to head downstairs.  James follows close behind.

Shel keeps me busy over the next week with something planned each day.  If it’s not lunch, it’s shopping.  If it’s not shopping, it’s a movie.  If it’s not a movie, it’s a trip to the beach, or Matt’s pool.  I sincerely feel like she doesn’t want me left alone for any period of time.  I don’t know if she’s worried I’ll be attacked again, or if she’s just trying to make the most of the time we have left this summer.  Probably both.  It’s already mid-July.  She will be returning to Ann Arbor in about two weeks; I’ll be headed back to school mid-August.

I got a letter in the mail from Western approving my housing application for my senior year.  While this is great news, it also brought back some bittersweet memories.  I’ll be residing off campus in an apartment building of sorts; an older home that has been converted into four apartments for students.  This is what James and I had planned.  To live together, graduate together, hurry up and start the rest of our lives together.  I can’t be too sad about it though.  While our relationship is anything but traditional, he is still with me.  Garrett has been a little more lenient with him since the attack, and James has been able to spend almost every night of the last week in my room.  He’s been in a melancholy mood, however, and I can’t seem to shake him out of it.

Receiving the housing letter prompts me to get in gear and get registered for the fall semester.  I’m on my laptop, trying to compare the classes that are offered with the ones I need, when Shel calls.

“What are you doing?”

“Trying to register for classes.”

“Oh.  Well be ready at six.”

“For what?”

“Dinner.  I’m picking you up.  You like Mario’s right?”

I roll my eyes.  “Yes, I like Mario’s.  You know, we don’t have to do something together every day.  Take Matt out tonight.  I’m sure he would like to spend some time with you.  I can share,” I laugh.

“No worries; he’s coming with us.”

“Oh.  Well then, I really don’t need to go.  You two have fun.”

Silence.  Silence is never a good sign with Shel.

“Shel?”

“Dane will be there too; gotta go; see you at six,” she rushes and hangs up on me.

I should have known.  I shrug and hang up the phone.  It’ll be nice to hang out with the guys for a change.

Shel arrives promptly at six.  It’s only when she asks “You’re wearing that?” that I realize what she’s up to.

“Shelby Elizabeth Moore,” I say through clenched teeth.  “Please tell me you’re not doing what I think you’re doing.”

She feigns innocence.  “I’m not doing what you think I’m doing – whatever it is,” she avoids my stare.  “Get in the car.”

I’m still suspicious.  “Where are Matt and Dane?” I ask, as I eye the empty vehicle.

“They’re meeting us there,” she says nonchalantly.  “Now get in the car.  We’ll be late.”

On our way to the restaurant, Shel receives a text from Matt.  “What’s up?” I ask her.

“Nothing,” she says a bit too quickly.  “The guys are already there.”

We pull into the restaurant, park, and walk inside.  I expect to see Matt and Dane waiting for us in the lobby, but they aren’t there.  Shel approaches the hostess and tells her we’re expected.  She made a reservation?  My suspicion level jumps through the roof.

The hostess walks us through the restaurant to where Matt is seated.  I smile and wave until I notice he’s seated at a small table, a table for two.  I glare at Shel as she takes the seat across from him.

“Sorry Em,” Matt says pulling my attention from Shel.  “They didn’t have a table available for four.”  He smiles like a guilty child.

I put my hands on my hips and shoot Shel a look that would probably have killed her if it could.  She smiles shyly and dangles her car keys from her hand, letting me know that she drove and I’m unable leave, unless I want to walk.

“This way please,” the hostess nudges me.

I begrudgingly follow her and sigh.  Oh well.  Shel has no idea how much this won’t work.  Both Dane and I know what’s what.

We come upon him seated at a similar two-person table still in eyeshot of Matt and Shel.

“Hey,” I say somewhat annoyed as I sink into the seat.

“Grace,” he nods and looks amused.

I can’t help but laugh.  I haven’t been called that in awhile.  “How did you get roped into this?”

He smiles.  “Probably the same way you did.”

“Well, I’m sorry,” I apologize.  “Shel doesn’t seem to believe anything I say.”

He regards me.  “Friends can have dinner, right?”

“Of course,” I smile and pick up the menu.  “Do you know what you want?”

His eyes flash to mine and hold them for a moment before he reaches for the drink menu.  “I decided what I wanted awhile ago.”

“My favorite is their fettuccine alfredo,” I continue, ignoring his comment.  My face feels hot all of a sudden.

He notices my blush.  “Relax,” he says.  “Matt and I have been here for like 15 minutes.  I seriously know what I want.”

Oh.  Okay.

Our waitress appears with glasses of water and takes our order, since my favorite is the alfredo and Dane’s so on top of “what he wants.”  He orders a Stromboli.

“How’s work been?” I ask.

“Good.  Boring.  You know you could come up and visit.”

“Sorry.  Shel has me going somewhere every day.  And I mean every day.  I think she thinks I need constant supervision.”

“You only have a week left off,” he reminds me.  “You’d better get up there to say hi sooner rather than later.”

“Why the rush?  You miss me that much?”

He smiles at my teasing, shaking his head.  “My last day is the 20th.”

Why does this news hurt my heart?  My face falls before I can stop it.  “You’re quitting?”

He nods and takes a drink.  “I have to.  I thought Shel told you I have another job.”

That’s right.  The artist thing.  “Right,” I shake my head to clear my thoughts.  “What is your other job exactly?”

“I freelance graphic design stuff for a company called Legionnaire.  When they get an advertising contract they call me.  A big project just came through.”

I’m impressed, and my face shows it.  “Wow.  Your dad disapproves of this job why?” I remember he told me his father was overjoyed by his late interest in Bay Woods.

“He doesn’t think it’s stable.  The projects come when they come,” he shrugs.  “But it’s worked out for me for three years, so I can’t complain.”

Huh.  “Well, it won’t be the same working without you.”  This is really bumming me out.

Dane winks at me.  “You know where I live.”

The waitress appears with our food, and I glance at Shel and Matt.  They appear to be enjoying their dinner.  Shel catches my eye and enthusiastically waves at me.  I give her a small smile.

We eat in silence.  For some reason, the alfredo doesn’t taste as good as I remember.  I swirl the noodles around my plate.

“What are you thinking about?” Dane asks me, curious.

I wasn’t thinking about anything really.  “Um, school,” I throw out.  “I got my housing acceptance.  I registered today.”

Dane nods, chewing.  “You know, I’ve never been out to Western.  A lot of my friends went to different schools, but not that one.  Maybe I could come out and visit.  When are you headed back?”

My heart beats twice, and I reprimand it.  “The middle of August sometime.”

“Do you need any help moving your stuff?”

No, I think.  My dad and I have it covered between his truck and my car.  “Sure, we could use a hand.”  I want to smack myself.  What is wrong with me?

“Cool.  Just let me know,” he says conversationally.

Dane clears his plate.  I have half a platter of fettuccine left.  The waitress returns to ask if I want a box.  I tell her yes.  Maybe my dad will eat it.

“Will this be on one check or two?” she asks us.

“One.”

“Two.”

I look at Dane.  “I can pay for my own food.”

Regardless, he looks at the waitress.  “One.”

I shoot him an irritated look.  He just smirks at me.

I turn my head to see if Shel and Matt have finished eating as well.  When I look at their table, it’s empty.  “Are you kidding me?”

Dane laughs.  “Guess I’m taking you home.”

I sigh loudly and cross my arms.  He pretends to pout.  “You don’t want me to take you home?”

“No, I’m irritated at Shel, not you.”

He laughs again.  “She’s a crafty one.  I have to give her that.”

“You have no idea.”

The waitress brings the bill and I try to snatch it from his hand as he picks it up off the table.  I only manage to rip the corner.  Dane laughs at me.  “Your injuries are making you slow.”

I shoot him a look.  “At least let me cover the tip.”

He considers it and nods.

“How much is it?” I reach for the check.

He holds it out to show me, and I quickly grab it from his hand.  “Ha!” I say victoriously and jump up from the table.  I walk as quickly as I can without running to the register at the front of the restaurant.  I’m pretty sure he won’t chase me through a crowd.

When I make it to the counter, I pay, asking the cashier to give our waitress her portion.  I feel Dane walk up behind me.  I can feel his – what?  Anticipation?  Humor?  Irritation? radiating off of him.  I can’t bring myself to turn around.

I walk to the front of the restaurant and Dane reaches around me to hold the door open.  I finally look at him.  “After you,” he smirks.  It sounds more like a challenge than a pleasantry.

We walk outside and he takes the lead; I don’t know where he’s parked although I’d recognize his Camaro anywhere.  I follow him around the back of Mario’s to where he’s parked in the street.

“May I open the door for you or would you like to do that yourself as well?” he asks, amused.

I try to suppress a smile by biting my lip.  “If you would be so kind.  I wouldn’t want to break a nail.”

He opens the door in dramatic fashion, and I crawl inside the car.

The entire way to my house we don’t speak, and we don’t make eye contact.  There’s tension in the car, but it’s not angry.  It’s more electric and fun, like who’s going to break the silence first with a sarcastic comment.

When we pull into my driveway I don’t know what to say.  I’m trying to think of something smart and witty, but nothing will formulate in my brain.  When Dane stops the car, he surprises me by getting out and coming around to my side to open my door for me again.  When he does, I step out of the car and give him a curious look.

“Your nails,” he nods toward my hands.  “I wouldn’t want them harmed entering or exiting the vehicle.”

Raising my eyebrows, I nod in agreement.  “Ah.  That’s very thoughtful of you.”  I step aside and he shuts the door.

I open my mouth to thank him for the ride and then jump as he slams both of his hands down on either side of me, against the car, boxing me in.  “What…?”

He leans in close, his eyes staring directly into mine making my heart race.  “You.  Are.  So.  Difficult.”

I’m speechless.  All I know is my heart is flipping out and my legs feel weak.  Stop it! my mind screams.  Stop this!

He pushes himself off the car and away from me.  My brain is relieved that he put distance between us, but my body wants him to close that distance and come back.  Now.

“I have to go,” I mumble and start to walk away from him.  He doesn’t stop me.  “Thank you for falling into Shel’s trap,” I say as I back toward the door.

His face is dead serious.  “It’s not her trap I’ve fallen into.”

Holy shit.  I give him a small nervous wave, turn tail, and make a beeline for the back door.

Chapter 32

“Will you tell me what is bothering you already?” I ask James.  This mood of his is starting to wear on me.  Between his gloominess, and Shel’s begging me to go visit Dane at the golf course every two minutes, I’m about ready to pull my hair out.

“It’s nothing.”

“That’s what you always say!  You’ve been like this for weeks.  What gives?”

James simply leans forward and places a kiss on my forehead.  “Don’t worry about it.”

I sigh in frustration.  “You’d make me tell you if it were me,” I complain.

James sits up and looks down at me.  We’ve been curled up together for most of the afternoon while I read and he plays with my hair.  Ever since he was able to throw Patrick he’s been getting really good at physical manipulation.  My hair actually moves when he touches it now.  So far, it only works regularly on really light things, like hair or a piece of paper.  But despite this breakthrough, something continues to bother him.  He’s been silent lately.  When he doesn’t think I’m looking he wears a far off expression, like his mind is constantly preoccupied.  Whenever he catches me scrutinizing him, he quickly rearranges his face.  When I ask what’s wrong, he always responds with “nothing.”

My cell rings again for the fiftieth time today.  Okay, maybe not fiftieth, more like tenth.  But, it’s been ten calls in the last two hours.  It’s Shel.  Again.  I let the call go to voice mail.  A minute later my phone buzzes with a message.

“Maybe you should talk to her,” James suggests.

“No, I know what she wants,” I shrug it off.  “It’s not a big deal to me.”

She wants me to go up to Bay Woods with her.  Its Dane’s last day of work.  I’ve managed to avoid him for the last week, and I’m not going to walk into another one of her schemes again.

My phone buzzes with a text.  I look at it.  Answer your phone!!

Denied.  I put the phone down.

It buzzes again.  I sigh and pick it up.  Don’t think I won’t come get your ass!

“Ugh!” I throw the phone down and it bounces on the bed.

Suddenly James jumps up.  He looks wide-eyed and a little panicked.

“I didn’t mean to scare you,” I laugh.  He doesn’t look at me.  “What is it?” I ask, standing, worried now.

He realizes I’ve asked him a question.  He focuses on me and swallows.  “I have to go,” he whispers.

“Is it Garrett?”

“Yes.  And no,” he looks at me longingly.  He takes my face in his hands and plants a soft, full kiss on my lips.  “I’ll see you later,” he says as he steps back.

My mind snaps with precognition.  Why don’t I believe him?  “Come back to me,” I demand.

He nods.  “I will.  I promise.”  My phone starts to ring yet again.  “Answer Shel,” he says.  “Do whatever it is she wants you to do.  It’ll pass the time until I can get back.”

I eye him warily.

“I love you,” he says as he fades from my vision.

“I love you too.”

Shel impatiently taps her fingers on the steering wheel as we sit at a stoplight.  I caved in, answered her call, listened to James, and agreed to visit Bay Woods.  Plus I need to check the schedule since I start back on Monday.  As we sit at the light, I try to think of all the possible scenarios she may be concocting to get me alone with Dane again.  I think I should be safe, but you never know.  Besides, if she does decide to leave me, this time I’ll just drive a golf cart home.

“Come on!” Shel groans at the light.

“Why are you in such a hurry?” I ask.

“It’s Dane’s last day.”

“And?”

She gives me a sarcastic stare.

I shoot her an exasperated look to match her stare.  “I told you to stop with this matchmaker crap.”

“Who’s playing matchmaker?”  She hits the gas.

“You.”

She ignores me.  “He asked you to stop by and see him before his last day.  You never went.  That’s not being a very good friend,” she sniffs.

“I should never have told you that.”

We make it to the course in record time thanks to Shelby Andretti.  She leaps from the car and waits impatiently as I take my time getting out.  When we enter the pro shop, the first person I see is Kris.  She gives me an enormous smile and wraps me in a warm hug.

“I’m so glad to see you!  How are you feeling?  Ready to come back?”

“Completely cured and ready,” I say with a small smile.

“Well, well, well,” I hear Dane as he enters the pro shop behind us from the concession area.  I turn to see him check his watch.  “Your timing is impeccable,” he notes.  “I’ll only be employed here for another ten minutes.”

Shel shoots me a nasty look.

“I wasn’t sure of this one’s motives,” I jerk my thumb toward Shel.

She turns and starts a conversation with Kris, so she won’t have to respond to my accusation.  I look at Dane and he’s wearing that damn grin of his.  “I need to check the schedule,” I tell him.

I leave the three of them and head to the office to look up my hours.  Ten to four on Monday with someone named Leslie.  Sounds doable.  I take a glance at the rest of the week to buy time.  I’m not going to lie.  Seeing Dane after a week is making my pulse race.  Why does he have this effect on me all of a sudden?  I worked a month with him and never had this problem!  This is not okay.  We have to go.  What excuse can I use?

“Find everything?” Dane’s voice is right behind me, and I jump about a foot into the air.

“Geez!”

“Sorry,” he laughs.  He walks over to put his shift paperwork on Kris’s desk.

“Who’s Leslie?” I ask for a lack of anything better to say.

“Oh, she’s new.  You’ll like her.  Older lady.”  Dane walks back around me.  He grabs his time card.  “Well,” he pauses as he stamps it in the machine, “I guess this is the end.”

“The end?”

He puts his card back and turns to me.  “The end of my excuse to spend time with you.”

I swallow.

“Unless you can think of another one,” he smiles.

“It’s…” I stutter.  “It’s not like you won’t be coming around here.”

Dane looks at me incredulously, shaking his head in disbelief.  “See you around then,” he says as he turns to leave.

I’m having a hard time breathing as I watch him go.  All I can manage to do is give him half of a wave.

He walks out of the office and out of my line of vision.  I look down and let my breath out in a huff.  It’s not like I won’t ever see him again, right?  We’re supposed to be friends.  I shake my head to clear it of my crazy thoughts.  This is ridiculous.  I don’t need to be around him.

I decide to hang out a few extra minutes in the office, so that I can avoid running into him again on my way out.  When I estimate enough time has been wasted, I walk back to the pro shop to find a seething Shel.

“What?” I ask.

She says nothing and walks out of the shop with her arms crossed.  I give Kris a wave and tell her I’ll see her on Monday.  I follow Shel to the car and get inside.  She immediately turns on me.

“He says you’re not interested.”

I give her an exasperated look.

“I gave him your number.”

“You did what?”

She smiles sweetly at me.  “You’re welcome.”

Back at home I try to pass the time by picking up where I left off reading.  Will I ever finish this damn book?  I’m having a hard time concentrating on the words.  Where is James?  I hope everything is all right.  I silently pray that this won’t turn into one of his prolonged absences.  That will surely drive me insane.

My phone buzzes with a text.  What does Shel want now?  I already fulfilled her demands for the day.  I roll over and pick up my phone.  The text is from a number I don’t recognize and contains only one word.

Grace?

I hang my head.  And so it begins.  I respond Yes?

A minute passes.  Just making sure this is really you and not the pizza joint.

I smile.  Really me.

My phone goes silent.  I set it down and pick up the book.  I actually get a chapter in before my phones buzzes again.  I look at the message.

Come over.

My mouth falls open.  Come over?  Is he serious?  My heart involuntarily starts to beat double time.  No.  No, no, no, no, no.

I send back Sorry.  Can’t. and set the phone down.

Buzz.  Why?

Maybe I should just turn my phone off.  I hit ‘Reply’ and stare at the empty screen trying to find a reason.  The reason I want to send is ‘James’.  I wonder how that would go over.

I feel the hair rise on the back of my neck, like someone is watching me.  I look to my right, over my shoulder, and see James has returned.

“Hey,” I toss my phone aside.  I swing my legs off the bed so I sit facing him.  “So what’s up?  Everything okay?”

James wears a haunted expression.  He looks lost and anxious.

My pulse picks up as I take in his demeanor.  “What’s wrong?” I ask nervously as I stand and walk toward him.

His eyes focus on me and soften a little.  “I’ve been assigned a Ward,” he says quietly.

I breathe a sigh of relief.  “That’s…that’s sooner than we thought.” I try to bring my pounding heart under control.  “But this is a good thing, right?  It means you’ve done well.”

He looks at me like he wants to say more, but he can’t find the words.

“This means we’ll see less of each other, doesn’t it?” I ask sadly, remembering our conversation from weeks ago.  I wrap my arms around his waist and place my head against his chest like I always do.  How will we manage to see less of each other?

James makes no move to hold me.  I glance down to see that he hasn’t moved and then look up into his face anxiously.  “Does this mean you can’t touch me anymore?” I ask, panicked.

“Emma,” James places his hands against my shoulders and steps out of my arms.  “You are my Ward.”

His statement takes a moment to register.  “How…how is that possible?”

“Your Guardian has been released,” he says gently.

“You said that rarely ever happens,” I blink, confused.  My heart begins to pound as my mind races back in time.  I remember how adamant James was over the idea of being my Guardian, how it was against their rules, how he wouldn’t be able to love me anymore.  “What does this mean?” I whisper.

James looks down and slowly takes my hands.  He stares at them while he speaks.  “It means I will always be bound to you.  That I will be the one to guide and protect you throughout your life.”

“Until I release you?” I ask hopefully, choosing not to remember that he told me it would be impossible if he were my Guardian.

He continues to look at our hands and shakes his head no.  When he looks up, his expression is full of pain.  “I am no longer allowed to love you.”

I feel like my breath has been knocked from my chest.  “How did this happen?”

“Garrett assigned me.  He felt I was ready.”

“Why would he assign you to me?” I ask him, distraught.  “Is this a punishment?”

James closes his eyes.  “When your Guardian was released, Garrett saw it as a way to help me.”  He stares at me again.  “Ever since you were attacked I knew I couldn’t bear to lose you, whether some outside force or a new love took you from me.  I couldn’t shake that possibility from my mind, and I let my mood overshadow everything else.  Garrett saw this and he understood it.  He explained that binding you to me as my Ward will keep me in your life for as long as you live.  And at least I’ll have that.  Because the likelihood of you choosing me in the end, the likelihood of you releasing me, is...small.”

“No,” I shake my head, trying to erase what is happening.  “Who is he to say what I would decide?  He doesn’t know how I feel!”

James looks at me defeated.

“Where’s my choice?” I demand of him, pointing to my chest.  “I don’t choose this!”

“It’s not up to you.”

I clench my fists as my eyes fill with angry tears.  The pain in my face is registered in his.  “I love you!  I need you in my life!”

“And I will be,” James tries to reassure me.  “I’ll still be able to see you, to talk to you.”

“But you won’t be allowed to love me,” I say flatly.

James shakes his head as he sadly responds.  “No.”

Tears spill over, and I hold my head in my trembling hands.  James moves to wrap his arms around me.  I feel his cool touch move up and down my back, comforting me.  What did he say before?  That protecting and guiding me without loving me would be torture.  Garrett has committed him – us – to an existence of pain.

“Please don’t cry,” James pleads.  He sounds like he is near tears himself.

“I can’t do this,” I say into his chest.

He whispers into my hair, holding me tighter.  “I never wanted to hurt you.”

I move and wrap my arms around him.  “And I never want to hurt you.”

James kisses my hair and continues to stroke my back.  “I don’t know how I’m going to stop loving you,” he confesses.

We stand motionless, holding one another as time passes.  It could be minutes; it could be hours.  I’m not sure.  My tears eventually slow and my throat feels thick.  I think about how hard this is going to be for the both of us and realize how much harder it will be for him.  There are powers at work here that I can’t even begin to comprehend.

“What happens now?” I ask, breaking the silence.

“I go back,” he says quietly.  “I’ll look in on you and know when I’m needed and when I’m not.  I’ll be capable of spending time with you, but…that will probably make things difficult.”

I know what he means.  “What happens if you can’t stop loving me?”

James pulls away slightly, so he can look into my eyes.  “I was told I would be given some time to learn to control my feelings toward you.  But if I can’t…I will be forced to forget.  Those who rule the Intermediate, The Allegiant, will take my memories of you.  They will make me forget everything we ever had.”

Tears spring back into my eyes.  My memories of James are my most treasured; the thought of someone forcing them from me breaks my heart.  I can tell from his expression that he feels the same.  I would never want that for him.

I have to push myself to speak.  There’s not one part of me that wants this, but I have to do it for him.  “I want you to stay away from me,” I say quietly.  “Don’t visit.”

He looks at me bewildered.  “How could you say that?”

“I would rather you stay away than jeopardize your memory.  Take all the time you need to comply with their wishes.  Do you even know what else they are capable of doing to you?  No,” I shake my head, “I want you safe.  I would never want you to forget us.”

James looks heartbroken just as I’m sure I do.  “I don’t know if I can do that.”

“Please,” I ask him, tears falling again.  “Please do it for me.  I would die if you couldn’t remember how much I love you.”

He nods slowly and then leans in to kiss me softly.  “I love you more than life itself.  Never forget that.”

I’m just about to tell him the same when his head snaps up.  I know that’s his cue to leave; something, someone must be calling him.  I look at him frantic.  When will I see him again?

“Remember that I love you,” I say quickly, tears pouring down my face now.

He nods and holds me tighter, as if he can stop the pull that draws him back.  He fades from my vision, still wrapped around me.  I can feel him grow warmer and warmer, until he disappears completely.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt so hollow and alone.  My body can’t compensate for all that it’s feeling and I stand there, numb, staring into oblivion.

James has left me.

I told him to stay away.

I love him with everything in me.  And he can never love me again.

Minutes pass.  My phone vibrates and I pick it up mechanically.  You never answered my question.  Why can’t you come over?

I blink then reply without thinking.  My heart hurts.

Let me help.

As time passes, the need to get out of my house is overwhelming.  The silence of my room deafens me.  Everywhere I look I’m reminded of James.  There is an ache in my chest from a seemingly bottomless well of tears and when I close my eyes, all I can see is his haunted last expression.  I feel myself slipping back into my protective shell, the one that makes my parents and friends worry.  I don’t want that.  James wouldn’t want that.  I’m in desperate need of a distraction.

I try Shel first, but if I’m going to be at all honest with myself, I know where I’m going to end up.  Still, delusional as I may be, I call Shel four times.  And leave four messages.  Evidently she is unavailable.

I stare at my last message from Dane and take a deep breath.  I type out my reply and hit send.

Be there in 15 minutes.

Chapter 33

I sit outside Dane’s place debating whether or not to get out of the car.  What in the hell am I doing here?  Now that I am no longer surrounded by physical memories of James, am I really that desperate for company?  James hasn’t been gone but two hours and I end up at Dane’s.  I can’t even fathom what that says about me.

I lean back in my seat and close my eyes.  If I go inside, what would James see?  He’d see a friend comforting a friend.  Because that’s all we are.  Does Dane want more?  I think so.  All I’m really looking for is someone to tell me that everything will be all right.  Is that so terrible?

A rap on my window startles me and my eyes fly open.  Dane is standing outside my car.  He opens the door and leans in.  “Did you drive all the way over here to sit in the parking lot?”

I shrug, giving him a weak smile.  “I thought about it.”

“Well stay put,” he says and closes the door.  He walks around to the other side of the car and gets in.

“Are we going somewhere?”

“Yep.  I figured you wouldn’t mind driving since you like to do manly things, like pick up the tab at restaurants,” he smirks.

“Funny.  Where are we going?”

“It’s a surprise.”

I cross my arms.  “I’m not starting the car until you tell me where we’re going.”

He lifts an eyebrow at me.  “Is that so?”

I nod.

“Well,” he sighs. “I guess we could just stay here in the car and make out…”

I start the engine.

Dane directs me where to go and when to turn, leading us beyond the south side of town.  I haven’t figured out where he’s taking me until we pull off the highway and turn right.  My hunch is correct when he directs me to Kirby’s Adventure Land, a family fun center.

“Mini-golf?” I ask him doubtfully.

“It’s been scientifically proven to heal the heart.”

I roll my eyes.

“Let’s go,” he says excitedly and hops out of the car.

We walk into the park where he pays for the both of us, cutting off my protest before it leaves my lips.  Our first stop is the batting cages.

“I’ve never done this,” I say as I hold a helmet in my hands.  He gives me a bat and moves me into position over the plate.  He takes the helmet from me and places it on my head.  “I’m going to miss,” I warn him.

“Doesn’t matter.  The idea is to take out your anger.  Pretend whatever it is that’s bothering you is coming at you in the form of a baseball – and kill it.”

Okay, I think.  That doesn’t sound so hard.  He shows me how to hold the bat and then steps out of the way.  The first ball is launched at me, and I automatically jump back.  Hmmm.  I reposition myself and anticipate the next pitch.  I’m a little more ready, but I still swing and miss.  I miss the next four balls.

I turn around and look at Dane.  “This is stupid.  I can’t do this.”

He smiles.  “Keep going.”

The next ball whizzes past me.  And the next.  All right, this is getting serious.  I refuse to look like a fool.  I reposition myself yet again and concentrate harder.  I imagine Garrett’s face, even though I’ve never seen him, as the next ball.  It’s launched toward me and I actually hit it – kind of.  At least I made contact.  I turn around and give Dane a surprised look.  He gives me a thumbs up.

The next ball is Mrs. Davis.  I manage to hit her and the ball goes a little farther.  The next ball is Patrick.  I swing and make full contact with the ball, sending it all the way back to the pitching machine.

“Not bad,” I hear from behind me.

I give myself a satisfied smile.  Yeah, I’m starting to like this.  Garrett is up again.  Crack!  He goes flying.  Mrs. Davis.  Crack!  She heads to the left.  Patrick.  Miss.  Whoops.  My adrenaline picks up with each swing of the bat; stress is released every time I make contact with a ball.  I alternate between Garrett, Mrs. Davis, and Patrick until my pitches are spent.  I must say I’m pretty proud of my performance given I hit eleven balls out of my twenty.

Dane meets me at the cage gate.  “Feel better?”

“Much,” I smile at him and hand him the helmet.

He gives it to the attendant.  “Go Karts next?”

We head over to the karts and stand in line.  I lean against the fence and watch the other driver’s race around the track.  My family used to come to this place when Mike and I were kids, although our main activity was mini golf.  We’d always play against each other; loser was supposed to buy the ice cream.  I smile as I remember how my dad always lost.

Dane turns and challenges me.  “What do you say we place a little wager on this race?”

I pretend to look suspicious, but grin anyway.  “What do you have in mind?”

“Loser buys drinks on the way home.”

I think about it and eye the track.  I must be feeling over confident from the batting cages.  “Deal.”

We watch the rest of the race and try to determine which karts are the fastest.  Dane thinks the blue one is faster and ends up behind its wheel, while I choose yellow #4.  I catch his eye from across two lanes and give him a competitive nod, flexing my hands around the steering wheel.

“Bring it!” he shouts to me.

After the attendants make sure we’re secure and start our karts, the countdown begins.  The light turns green, and we all peel away from the starting line.  I get caught up behind a little boy and his father right off.  I try to maneuver around them, but don’t manage it until the second turn in the track.  Dane is already way ahead of me.  I gain a little ground during the second lap as I push the pedal to the floor.  I’m right behind him by the third lap.  As we round the final turn to start the fourth, I actually start to edge around him.  But toward the middle of the lap, my kart starts to sputter and lose speed.

“Noooo!” I yell in frustration as I realize the thing is probably running out of gas.  I pump the pedal to make the kart move faster, but it doesn’t work.  It cuts off and drifts to a stop.

The rest of the racers finish the lap and pull into the starting gate to end the race as I am stuck, stalled out toward the end of the track.  I notice Dane looking around to see where I finished as he gets out of his kart.  When he spots me, he starts laughing.  I slouch in my seat as an attendant runs out to push me off to the side.  Stupid yellow #4.

“I told you the blue one was faster,” Dane teases me as I walk off the track.

“Yeah, yeah,” I mutter under my breath.

He laughs.  “I hope you brought money.”

I make a face at him, but end up smiling.  It would be my luck that my kart would run out of gas.

“Are you up for golf?” I ask.

“Sure.”

We get our clubs and balls and take a few practice putts.  It’s getting dark and the whole park is lit up like a stadium.  “You sure you want to do 18?”  I bend down to retrieve my ball.  “It’s getting late.”

“Do you have a curfew?” he asks me.

“No,” I shake my head, laughing.  “Just checking.”  Then I have an idea.  I’ve played this putt-putt course a million times; I can completely rock it.  “So,” I try to ask casually.  “Care to place a wager on this particular game?”

He thinks about it and smiles.  “I’ll play.  What were you thinking?”

“If I win, the last loss is void.  It never happened.”

He grins.  “Okay.  And if I win, you kiss me.”

What?  That was not where I was going with this!  But…I look out over the course.  I remember it well.  I look at him and tilt my head confidently.  “Deal.”

Dane looks shocked that I’ve actually agreed to this.  He quickly rearranges his features and gestures to the first hole.  “Ladies first.”

After the first nine, I’m only leading by two strokes.  I screwed up on six, selecting the left instead of the right hole to shoot my ball out toward the cup.  Then on the ninth green, I took a bad bounce off the brick edging, putting me one over par.

“Shoot!” I say with frustration as we start on ten.  I try to compensate for the slope in the green, but my ball runs too far off to the right.

Dane looks amused.  “You take your mini golf pretty seriously,” he notes.  “Or is it our little wager that has you so determined?”

I look at him annoyed.  “Both.”

He laughs.

Going into eighteen, we’re tied.  Figures.  I should have known not to trust my rusty skills.  Dane takes his time setting up his ball and perusing the hole, trying to figure out the best way to attack it.  I wait impatiently; I know exactly how to play this hole.  He finally takes his putt…and sinks a hole in one.

Damn it.

He looks at me victoriously and walks over to take the score card from my hand.  He puts an overly exaggerated “1” in the box.  “Your turn,” he challenges me as his eyes light up.

Okay.  I can do this.  I give him a solid stare and walk over to place my ball.  I set my feet, readjust my grip on the putter, and line up my shot.  I hit the ball.

And sink another hole in one.

“Yes!” I raise my arms in victory.  I walk arrogantly over to him and take the score card, putting an even more obnoxious “1” in my column.  “That,” I say, “was all for you.”

Dane gives me a crooked smile and shakes his head in disbelief.  “Excellent putt, Miss Donohue.”

I take a little bow.  “Why, thank you.”

We head back to the beginning of the course to turn in our putters.

“So we tied,” Dane muses.

“Seems that way.”

“So you didn’t win.”

“Um, no,” I look at him like he’s crazy.

“So you owe me a drink.”

“What?”

“I didn’t lose,” he points out and smiles.

I make a face and concede.  “Fine.  Where do you want to go?”

We end up at a small bar down the street from Adventure Land.  This is somewhere I never would have come alone.  The exterior is dark and dingy with a blinking “open” sign in the window.  To me the Parker Lounge screams horror movie.

“Are you sure this is where you want to go?” I ask Dane cautiously as we get out of the car.  I eye the motorcycles parked in the lot.

“It’s not that bad,” he holds the door for me.

He’s right.  Kind of.  The inside of the bar is homier.  There’s a scattering of small round tables with a red jar candle lit in the center of each one.  Most of the room is filled with the requisite bar, but a colorful jukebox is set at the far end.  A couple dances in the small space in front of it while Elvis croons “Can’t Help Falling in Love.”

We take a seat at the bar.  A gruff looking bartender with a bushy gray beard and kind eyes leaves a group of men at the end and comes over.  He looks at us like we must be lost.  “Can I help you?”

Dane looks at me.  “What’ll it be?”

“You won the bet,” I make myself comfortable on the stool.  “Order what you want.”

“You’re not going to get anything?”

I consider it.  “Do you have Coke?” I ask Long John Silver.

He nods.

Dane scoffs.  “A Coke?  Really?”

“What’s wrong with that?”

Dane sighs.  “We’ll take a Coke and a draft,” he nods toward the tap in front of him.

“I.D.?” Long John Silver asks.

Dane pulls out his wallet to show him his driver’s license.  Long John is appeased and sets to getting our drinks.  I look around the room nervously as we wait for his return.

“Why are you so on edge?” Dane asks.  “It’s just a bar.”

“I don’t know,” I answer honestly.  The people look nice enough.

“Out of your element?” he smiles.  “Trying something new can be hard,” he says with mock sympathy.

I glare at him, but then cave in and smile.  “Just drink your default beer,” I say as Long John returns with our fabulous order.  I glance at my Coke and there’s an unexpected cherry in it.  I look up and smile at Long John and he smiles back at me.

“Default beer?”

“You totally won that race by default!  I only lost due to equipment failure.”

He laughs.  “That could be true.”

“It is true!”

“I guess we’ll need a rematch to test your true Go Kart skills,” he teases and takes a drink.  “So,” he pauses,“how’s your heart?”

“Hmm?” I ask as I swallow.

“Your heart.  How’s it feeling now?”

Honestly, I forgot all about it.  But that’s what I wanted, what I came to him looking for.  “It’s much better,” I admit.  “Thank you.”

He nods.  “Mission accomplished.”

I look down and swirl my drink around with my straw.

“When do you think it might be completely healed?” Dane asks, staring at his glass.

Good question.  I can’t tell him that James was just taken from me a second time.  “Eventually,” I say in a small voice.  It’s the best answer I can give him.

He nods again, still focused on his glass, and takes another drink.  “There’s no set time for grief, is there?”

I shake my head.  “I wish I could explain it to you.”

“Oh, I don’t know,” he says and gives me a slight smile.  “I might understand it more than you think.”

My eyebrows shoot up.  This is news.  “How so?”

“I lost my mom when I was 14.”

I physically wince.  “I’m so sorry.”

He surprises me by smiling.  “She had cancer, but she was a fighter.  And so stubborn,” he looks at me pointedly.  “Kind of like someone else I know.”

I give him a sheepish look.

“Still, she had the best attitude toward everything in life, even her disease.  She always found the time to laugh.  If she was upset, she didn’t show it much.” He looks back across the bar.  “It was a long time ago, but you never completely get over something like that, you know?”

I nod with sympathy and understanding.  Yeah, I know.

We sit in silence for a few minutes.  Dane finally turns to me.  “I didn’t mean to bring down the party.”

I smile.  “You didn’t.  Thanks for sharing that with me.  You didn’t have to.”

He holds his glass to his lips.  “It just goes to show you we have more in common than you think.”  He takes a swig of his beer.  “One of the many lessons my mom taught me is that you can’t let too many things pass you by.  You have to be willing to take risks.  If it’s a mistake, it’s a mistake.  Learn from it and move on.”

“Sounds like she was a very wise woman.”

“Well,” he hesitates.  “She was in most things.”  He winks at me.

I sense there is another story there.

Dane looks over at the dancing couple.  “Care to join them?”

Yes! my mind answers, but “Um, no I don’t think so,” comes out of my mouth.

He nods like he knew that was coming.  “Promise me one thing,” he says, looking directly at me.

“What’s that?”

“I get one dance with you before you leave town.”

That’s a weird request.  My brow furrows.  When will we be somewhere together to dance?  Probably nowhere.  But then again, I never imagined us in this particular place tonight.

He looks at me expectantly, tilting his head in anticipation of my answer.

“Okaaay,” I fake annoyance.  “I promise.”

He seems satisfied with this.  He finishes his beer and sets the glass down.  “Ready to go?  Or would you like your other half a Coke?”  He points to my barely touched drink.

I pull the cherry out of the glass and eat it.  “Nope.  Ready to go.”  I put a $20 on the bar to cover our drinks and Long John’s tip.  It’s probably way more than necessary, but he did dress up my lame order.

When we reach Dane’s place, he asks me to pull alongside the building instead of parking.  He’ll get out by the door.

“Thanks for tonight,” I say sincerely.  “I really needed it.”

He smiles.  “You’re very welcome.”  He opens the door and steps out of the car, then peeks back in.  “You owe me a Go Kart rematch and one dance.”

I shake my head.  “I only committed to the dance.”

He grins.  “Just making sure you remember.”

Chapter 34

It’s been four days since I started back to work.  Leslie is nice and all, but it’s not the same as working with Dane.  I miss our bantering and sarcasm.  It made the days go by faster.  I decide to let him know and send him a text.

Work sucks without you.

A few minutes later he responds.  Miss you too.

His response makes me smile.  Then I think of James and my smile vanishes.  I wish I could send him a message.  I picture it in my head.  Life sucks without you.

“Emma?”

Leslie’s voice brings me back to reality.  “Yes?”

“Could you be a dear and hand me two waters from the cooler?”

I nod and grab what she needs.  I look at the clock and sigh.  Four more hours to go.  I’m so bored.  I decide to text Shel.

What are you doing?

She responds.  Not what, who ;)

Gross!  TMI!  Never mind.

Something up?

No.  Just bored at work.

Text Dane.

Already done.

Good girl.

I roll my eyes.  Three hours and 56 minutes to go.  I look over to see Leslie humming while she wipes the already clean slicer.  Hmmm.  I text Dane again.

What are you doing?

Working, he responds.

Am I interrupting you?

It’s a welcome interruption.

I need something to pass the time.

Something or someone?

I’m braver behind my phone.  Are you volunteering?

Maybe.  What do you have in mind?

Think, think, think.  Ah ha!  Don’t I owe you something?

Yes you do.

So?

You’re killing me.  Can’t tonight.  Busy.

My heart sinks.  Bummer.  I was getting brave there for a second.  Rain check?

Absolutely.

Shel is leaving for Ann Arbor next week.  I can’t believe our summer together is ending.  The realization that I will be completely on my own back at school in a couple of weeks is hitting me harder than I thought it would.  Sure, I have a few friends on campus.  But, my close friends from home are the ones I will want around me.  I know we can call and email, but it won’t be the same.  I’m already looking forward to the holiday break.

It also doesn’t help that my parents are less than thrilled with my leaving and living on my own so far away after what happened with Patrick.  Their anxiety feeds mine.  I know Patrick is no longer a threat; he’s in jail awaiting trial and has been denied bail.  But, I’ve always had James by my side.  It almost feels like I’m starting college for the very first time.

Since this is our last weekend together, Shel, Matt, Dane, and I are headed out for dinner.  We’re supposed to meet up at Louie’s Roadhouse, the scene of the infamous drunk guy fight from earlier this summer.  Shel claims that night was the first time she realized she was attracted to Matt.  I claim it was the drunken make-out session that pushed her over the edge.  Regardless, we’re headed to Louie’s to celebrate.  I rush to the restaurant after stopping home to change out of my work clothes into something cuter.  I seriously can’t wait to be done with Bay Woods.  I have one more week left.

Entering the restaurant, I spot Shel waving me over.  I make it to the table with a smile.  “I see you managed to get a table for four this time,” I say sarcastically, then change focus.  “Hi, Matt.”

“Hey,” he smiles.

“Listen,” Shel says.  “If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t be where you are with Dane.”

“Which is where?” I ask her, making a face.

She sighs.  “You know what I mean.”

“Speaking of,” I look around.  “Where is he?”  I had hoped to see him tonight.  We haven’t been able to connect since the night at Adventure Land.  We’ve texted each other a few times, but he’s usually working or otherwise namelessly busy.  Paranoia has been slowly invading my brain for days.  I’m starting to think he’s avoiding me.

“He should be here any minute,” Matt says looking around as well.

Our waitress comes by to check on us.  When she steps away, I catch sight of Dane entering the restaurant and breathe a sigh of relief.

Shel kicks me under the table.

“Ow!” I glare at her and rub my leg.

“Sorry,” she says unapologetically.  Then, she mouths “I saw that!”

I close my eyes.  Apparently I need to be more careful.

“Sorry I’m late,” Dane says as he slides into the seat next to me.  He turns and smiles.  “Long time no see.”

Before I can say anything, Matt distracts him with a question.  “How’s the project going?”

Dane looks tense.  “It’s turning out to be a little more challenging than I anticipated.”

“I thought you liked a challenge?” I ask while I pick up a menu.

“Some more than others,” he says with resignation.

Something about his tone makes me curious, and I catch his eyes dart to Matt then back to me.  He leans close and looks over my shoulder at the menu.  “So, what are you all having?”

When our food arrives, the conversation turns to our last time at this restaurant.  Shel and Matt give a hilarious play-by-play of the fight with the drunk guy that has Dane and me rolling.  Shel even reaches back into the vault to bring up the eating-strawberries-dipped-in-ketchup dare issued to her by Matt all those years ago.  I haven’t laughed like this is in awhile.  We talk about returning to school, our upcoming moves back to campus, and our wanting to be finished with it all.  We tease Dane about being an old man since he finished with college two years ago.  After dinner, Shel and I can’t resist and order this amazing brownie covered in ice cream covered in hot fudge to share.  By the time it’s gone I’m thoroughly stuffed.

“I can’t move,” I complain, holding my stomach.

“You have a few minutes,” she says.  “The DJ doesn’t start playing until ten.”

“We’re dancing?” I ask with surprise.  I guess it didn’t dawn on me because there wasn’t a band playing tonight.  I smile.  This will be fun.  I haven’t been dancing with Shel in years.  She immediately drags me to the dance floor as soon as the DJ starts.  As I pass Dane to get out of our table, he grabs my arm.

“Remember what you promised me.”  He cocks an eyebrow.

“I know.  I haven’t forgotten.”  My heart does a flip.  I hadn’t forgotten, but I’m just now putting two and two together.  Man I’m slow.

Shel and I have a blast dancing.  And we don’t stop.  Matt and Dane watch us from the table, Shel waving to Matt every once and a while.

I yell at her over the music, “I take it he doesn’t dance?”

She makes a sad face and shakes her head.  “His only downfall!”

After about a half hour, when the song changes to something slow, I immediately decide it’s time for a bathroom break.  It’s clear what I’m avoiding; I just need a minute to pull myself together.  I tell Shel where I’m headed and turn.  Halfway to the bathroom I’m intercepted.  Someone grabs my hand from behind.

“Oh no, you don’t,” Dane says as I turn to face him.

“I have to pee,” I tell him and try to keep a straight face.

“You’re stalling,” he says as he pulls me away from the restrooms and leads me back toward the dance floor.

I actually do kinda have to pee.  Whatever.  Let’s get this over with.

He leads me into the sea of people that already occupies the floor.  I look for Shel, but can’t find her.  Dane turns and faces me, placing the hand he holds on his shoulder.  He releases it and wraps his hands around my waist as I place my other hand on his other shoulder.  A small space remains between us as we start to move.

“Does this make you uncomfortable?” he asks, wearing that smirk of his.  The one that makes me want to hug him and slap him at the same time.

Is that his plan?  To make me uncomfortable just to watch me squirm?  Two can play at this game.  “No,” I say with confidence.  I try to act indifferent as I wrap my arms higher around his neck and take a step forward pressing my body against his.  He instinctively wraps his arms tightly around my waist.  “Does this make you uncomfortable?” I challenge.

I actually see his breathing hitch.  He rearranges his features; he knows what I’m doing.  “No.”  He gives me a sly smile.

“Okay then.”  I rest my head against him, under his chin.  Through his shirt, I can feel his heartbeat pick up, and it makes me smile.  I may actually win this little game.

His arms loosen around me a little, and I feel his hands start to play against my lower back.  My heart jumps.  Dang!  He probably felt that.  As I try to calm my pulse, I move my fingers to his neck and start to play with the hair at his hairline.  His hands stop moving against me in surprise.  Ha!  Another point for me.

We continue to move slowly with the music.  I feel his hands start to move at my back again and then one leaves rank and starts to travel to my backside.  I jerk my head up so I can look at him.  He freezes.  “What?”

“Don’t look so innocent!  I know what you’re doing!”

“What am I doing?”  He suppresses a smile.

“You’re trying to grab my ass.”

He feigns confusion.  “You mean like this?”  He slides both his hands down and grabs two handfuls of my behind.

I jump, but resist the urge to slap his hands away.  He’s wearing that grin of his as I try to look impassive.  I calmly remove my hands from his neck and place them on his, picking them up and moving them back to my waist.  I don’t say anything as I wrap my arms back around him and place my head under his chin.  I can feel his chest shake with laughter.

We finish the song wrapped around each other.  I try not to feel comfortable in his arms, but it doesn’t work.  If I could’ve melted, I probably would have.  I can lie to other people, but I can’t lie to myself.  I’ve missed this.  Strong arms to hold me, arms that are real.  When he steps away, I have to resist the need to hang on to him.

The music picks up again and Shel finds me out of nowhere.  Dane smiles.  “Ladies,” he says as he leaves my side.  I give him a small smile as I watch him go.

“Really?” Shel looks at me with a sarcastic expression.  “‘Nothing’s going on’,” she says as she mimics my voice.

“Nothing is going on,” I sigh.

“It looks mighty on from over here,” she says as she starts to dance.

I try to hide my smile as I lose myself in the music, the dancing, and our laughter.  I catch Dane’s eye from time to time as he sits with Matt at our table.  I know he’s watching me, and I’m not sure if I can describe how I feel about that.  But I know it’s a good feeling, and I like it.

I hold out as long as I can, but eventually I need the bathroom.  Shel and I head that way.  As we pass our table, she stops and gives Matt a kiss.  I roll my eyes at Dane.  He grins as he tries to catch me around my waist, but I jump out of the way.  When I look back to see if Shel is following me I catch his expression.  I think he looks hurt.  What’s that all about?  I plan to ask him when I return but when we get back from our break, he’s gone.

“Where’d he go?” I ask Matt confused.

Matt looks at me sympathetically, which is surprising.  “He, um, had to leave.”

“Why?”

Matt shrugs as Shel looks between us confused.

What the hell?  He’s just going to leave without saying goodbye?  Not acceptable.  I reach for my phone and send him a text message.

Why did you leave???

I wait impatiently for his reply.  Minutes later my phone buzzes in my hand.  I can’t handle watching something I can’t have.

I frown.  Are you calling me a tease?

If the shoe fits.

Anger wells up in my chest.  That was not what I was doing!  Who does he think he is?  I grab my stuff.

“What did he say?” Shel asks, concerned.

“A lot,” I snap.

“Well, where are you going?”

“To straighten out a certain someone.”  I give her a hug and then Matt.  “I’ll call you,” I tell Shel as I head for the door.

“Be careful,” she says as I leave.

“I’m not the one you need to worry about,” I mutter under my breath as I step out into the night air.

I am on a mission to give this certain person a piece of my mind.  I jump out of the car and leave everything behind, but myself.  I won’t be long.  I walk up the sidewalk with my hands clenched in fists.

When I reach his door, I pound on it, then stand with my arms crossed, looking around.  I notice a doorbell.  I press it twice and hear it ring inside.  I look around again and spot his car in the lot.  He should be here.

After what seems like forever, I hear the deadbolt drop and watch the doorknob turn.  Dane opens the door wide and stares at me.  “Yes?” he asks.  He looks pissed.

“Oh no,” I shake my head and glare at him.  “You don’t get to be mad!  I’m the one who gets to be mad!  How dare you?  How could you even think that?  Especially after what Mrs. Davis said to me!  You were there!  How could you –”

In one smooth motion he cradles my head and brings his mouth down hard on mine.  I lose my breath as his lips move against me, forming my mouth to his.  He wraps his other arm around my waist and holds me tight.  My heart pounds as my body warms; I feel myself melting beneath his touch.  I search for that little part of my brain that registers logic and reason.  I can’t find it.

He breathes against my lips.  “Do you want to come inside?”

My body has disconnected from my mind.  I curl one hand around his neck and cover his mouth with mine, pressing myself against him.  He takes this as a yes and moves us off the porch, over the threshold, and into his place.  He shuts the door behind us, never once breaking our connection.

He leads and I follow, drawn like a magnet.  We stop in the center of the room, near the couch, and his hands trace my spine.  He catches my bottom lip between his teeth and I can feel the sensation all the way to my toes.  I clutch at his shoulders and run my hands over his chest to grab at the bottom of his shirt.  Clenching it in my fists, I slide his shirt up only to get it caught under his arms.  His mouth and his hands leave me as he steps back.  He pulls his shirt over his head and tosses it aside, then returns to me, his eyes searching mine.

“Emma,” my name sounds heavy and stuck in his throat.  “Are you sure you want this?”

My eyes roam his toned chest until I find the small, red, inflamed line where he had his stitches.  I take a step closer to him and reach out to run my finger across the mark.  His breath catches in response and I whisper “Yes” almost inaudibly.  I may have lost the ability to speak.

It doesn’t matter because he hears me loud and clear.  He hooks his fingers into my waistline, pulling me to him.  He wraps his other hand behind my neck as his mouth discovers the skin there.  After a moment his lips move to my ear.  “Jump.”

I’m confused until I feel his hands move around my back and then under me.  I tighten my arms around his neck and pull myself higher, wrapping my legs around his waist.  I bury my face in his neck as he carries me across the room and up the stairs.  We turn and when we reach his bed, his arms relax and I slide down his body to sit in front of him.  We stare at each other intently for a moment, and I try to calm my pounding heart.  Is this what I really want?  My body is screaming yes, but my conscience is starting to wake up and take notice.

Dane leans over and finds my neck, trailing kisses down my throat, and silencing my inner voice.  He moves against me, pressing me back, and I push myself along the mattress, toward the head of the bed.  As he crawls over my body, I lose my fingers in his hair and pull his mouth to mine again.  He obliges my silent request, balancing himself over me on his knees.  His hands find the bottom of my shirt as he kisses me, lifting it to my shoulders, and when his mouth leaves mine I feel his lips against my chest.  My eyes pop open.  My conscience is screaming.

“Stop,” I whisper as he moves to kiss me again.  “I’m sorry.  Stop.”

He freezes immediately.

I push myself back and partially out from under him, pulling my shirt down over my body.  I focus on his face.  “I’m sorry,” I say again, my voice full of remorse.  “I can’t.”

He closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, and then opens them again.  “I understand.”  He leans over to kiss my forehead before moving to the side to lie down on his back.  He folds his hands against his stomach and turns to look at me.

I start to get up.  “I should leave.”

“No.”  He reaches across my body to pull me back into place.  “Stay with me.”

I give him a wary look, but find myself turning toward him.  He wraps his arms around me as I slide over to lie against him.  “Thank you for not being angry,” I murmur against his chest.

He kisses the top of my head and presses me to his side.

No other words pass between us.  He holds me tight as I’m lulled to sleep by the sound of his beating heart.

Chapter 35

Warmth on my face awakens me.  I lean into it subconsciously, moving my body toward it.  I realize I feel skin beneath my cheek and my eyes snap open.  I lift my head to find myself wrapped around Dane, one leg and one arm draped across him, my head at his shoulder.

“Good morning,” he says, giving me a small smile.

I squint as I look around the room.  “What time is it?”

“Early.”  He has one arm circled around me which he moves to run his fingers lightly along my arm.

I catch the numbers of his alarm clock.  5:48.  I try to sit up and Dane tightens his arm around me to keep me in place.

“Where are you going?”

“I have to get home.”  I’m sure my family is freaking out that I didn’t come home last night.

His eyes soften.  “Stay.”

I search his face and memories of last night flood my vision.  My heart clenches.  “I can’t.”

“Don’t over think this,” he says gently.

“I’m not.”  I try to sit up again and this time he lets me.

He leans up on one elbow.  “You are.”

I shake my head.  “You forget, I have people at home who will be wondering where I am.”

He gives me a defeated look then turns to swing his legs off the side of the bed, allowing me room to slide off and stand.

“Bathroom?” I ask.

He nods toward the door and I move to open it, stepping into the small hallway at the top of the stairs.  There’s a room across from me that looks like an office; framed pictures hang on the wall above a computer desk.  I look to my right and see another doorway.  I enter the bathroom, find the light switch, and seclude myself.  I catch a glimpse of my face in the mirror that stops me short.  I rest my hands against the countertop and stare at my reflection.  Who is this person?  Do I even know her anymore?

After I finish, I find Dane leaning against the wall in the hallway.  “Everything all right?”

I nod quickly.  I walk past him and down the stairs as he follows me.  I come across one of my sandals at the base of the stairs and bend to pick it up.  I search for the other and find it a small distance away.  I walk over and grab it.  Holding my shoes by the straps with one hand, I make my way to leave.

“Emma,” Dane says behind me.

I close my eyes and then turn toward him.

He steps forward and places his hands on my shoulders, looking me in the eye.  His face is full of concern, his hazel eyes pleading.  “Please don’t regret what happened.  Because I don’t.  I know that it seems soon, but I think…I think I’m falling in lov…”

I press my fingers to his lips, so he will stop speaking.  He can’t say that he loves me.  Not now.  Because I don’t know if I can say it back.  I need some space.  So I can think.  So I can process all of this.  I step up and raise my chin to kiss him.  He bends down and plants a soft kiss on my lips which starts to grow into something more.  I can’t let that happen.  Not right now.

“I have to go.”

He looks at me and then takes me into his arms.  He says nothing, only kisses my hair.  When he releases me, I give him a weak smile and turn toward the door.  Stepping outside, I notice the sun trying to make its way above the horizon as I head down the sidewalk and to my car.

Slamming the door behind me, I look over to the passenger seat.  I take my phone out of my purse.  I have missed text messages.  All from Shel.

Is everything okay?

Where are you?

I’m trying not to panic.  I will assume you are with Dane.

CALL ME WHEN YOU GET THIS!!

I sigh and put the phone down as tears cloud my vision.  I start the car to make my way home.  I feel like I want to crawl in a hole and die.

I stare out over the golf course with my chin resting on the cart steering wheel.  It’s been three days since I’ve seen him.  I feel like I’ve been in a daze ever since.  When I try to sort out my feelings, my mind runs in endless circles.  So, this morning, I decided to give up for now and just be a zombie.  With Shel gone and between finishing up this last week of work and packing my things to move back to Western, I should be able to keep my mind off what happened.

Yeah, right.

Who am I kidding?  He’s all I think about.

When Shel interrogated me after that night, I did a pretty good job of convincing her all that happened was a lengthy argument and apology.  I got lucky when I went home; my parents were still asleep, allowing me to sneak into my room.  When I play back what happened, my feelings vacillate.  I remember his hands on me and my heart races.  I remember his kiss, his smile, every kind thing he’s done for me, and I have a hard time breathing.  Then the guilt kicks in as James’ face flashes before my eyes, twisting my heart and killing my high from the possibility of Dane loving me.  I can’t even bring myself to think about the likelihood that James physically saw what took place.  Every time I do, tears immediately jump behind my eyes, and I feel my soul turn inside out.  I still love him.  But I have some very strong feelings for someone else, too.

My phone goes off, disrupting my thoughts.

Are you avoiding me?  It’s Dane.

Yes.  No.

We need to talk.

I sigh.  I know.  Go ahead.

In person.

Can’t.  Working.

When do you get off?

6 but have plans tonight with Mike and Kate.

Tomorrow?

6 but will be packing and having dinner with parents.

Friday?

5.  Still packing.

You’re being impossible.

I’m not trying to be.

Saturday?  Do you still want me to help you move?

I can’t leave without seeing him.  I don’t want to leave without seeing him.  Yes.

What time?

Whatever works for you.

He shows up at noon.  I’m helping to lift a box into the bed of my dad’s truck when he pulls up.  My pulse instantaneously picks up, and I feel my ears grow hot.  I focus on maintaining my composure as he gets out of the car and walks toward me.

“Dane,” my dad greets him with a genuine smile.  He will be forever grateful for what he did for his little girl.

“Mr. Donohue,” Dane smiles at him.  His smile fades slightly as he nods toward me.  “Emma.”

“Hey,” I respond quietly.

My dad looks between us and his expression registers that he knows something is up.  “I’ll go help your mother sort through those extra dishes for you,” he says as he steps down from the bed of the truck.  He smiles at both of us as he heads to the house.

Dane walks up to me slowly.  “Where can we talk?”

I gesture for him to follow me, and we walk into the backyard.  He takes my hand as we head out to my mother’s flower garden where there’s a small bench.  I sit down and he sits beside me, our legs touching.

“I’ve missed you,” he says sincerely.

“I’ve missed you, too.”

His eyes search mine.  “How can we make this work?”

I look down and shake my head.  “I don’t know.”

“It’s because you still have feelings for him, right?” he gently squeezes my hand.  “I understand that, I do.  But you can’t feel bad.  You’ve done nothing wrong.”

“I know,” I say quietly.  “There’s a huge part of me that wants this, wants you,” I look up at him.  “But these other feelings…the guilt.  I can’t escape it.  It hurts.”

We sit in silence, his hand holding mine.  Eventually, he takes a deep breath and speaks.  “I’m willing to help you through it, if you’ll let me.”  He looks me squarely in the eyes.  “The last thing I want to do is pressure you, but time is running out and there’s something I need to deal with.  I need you to give me an answer.  Do you want me?  Do you think you could ever love me?  Because if the answer is yes, I’m willing to wait.  However long it takes.”

I want to tell him yes.  So badly.  But the truth is I have no idea how long it will take me to get over James, especially if it’s decided that he can handle visiting me.  If he even wants to visit me.  Does Dane deserve that?  To sit around, waiting for me to make up my mind, indefinitely?  No.  Not when he’s already given me so much.  What if I never get over James?  That’s not fair to him.

“I can’t give you an answer right now.  I’m sorry.”

He clutches my hand tightly and then lets it go.  He stands to face me.  “Why?” he demands.  “Why is this so hard for you?”

I damn the tears that spring into my eyes.  He’s never been angry with me before, and I stare at him confused.

“Yes or no Emma, it’s that simple,” he says, frustrated.

My voice cracks.  “It’s not fair to make you wait.”

He crouches down before me.  “But I’m willing to.  Don’t you see?”

No, I don’t see.  Why should he do that for me?  If I say yes, the possibility of breaking his heart in the future is very real; the closer we grow the more painful it will be.  I would never want to do that to him.  No.  As much as it kills me, I realize what I should have done weeks ago.

“No,” I barely whisper.

“What?”

“No,” I look him in the eyes as I feel tears escape mine.  “My answer is no.”

His face fills with disbelief and confusion.  He looks so devastated that I have to resist the urge to hold him.  My tears start to fall faster as I come to grips with the fact that I am causing him this pain.  He stands slowly, staring at me as if he doesn’t know me.

“I’m so sorry,” I say through my tears.  “But I told you from the beginning that we could only be friends…”

His eyes flash at my last word, changing his sad expression to one of anger.  “Friends?  Are you kidding me?”  He looks away, but then immediately turns back.  “We could never be just friends!”  He pauses and leans toward me, his eyes hard.  “What happened the other night…what was that?  Last time I checked that’s not what friends do.”

Ouch.  I close my eyes to block out his face for a moment.  When I open them he’s turned away from me with his hands on his hips.  He shakes his head in disbelief and curses under his breath.

A car turns into the driveway, distracting us.  We both look up to see Matt pull in and park.  I hastily wipe at my face with my hands.  What is he doing here?

Matt sees us and heads in our direction.  When he gets close, he can tell something is wrong, and his walk slows.

“Hey guys,” he says cautiously.  “I just stopped over to say goodbye before you left.”  He looks past Dane and at me.

My gaze falls everywhere, but directly on his face.  I try to force a small smile.

Dane walks up to Matt and stops.  “I’m headed to the airport.  Teags will be here in a few hours.”

“Teags?” Matt asks, surprised.

Dane looks at me over his shoulder with a twisted expression.  “Apparently I’m not needed anymore.”  He turns back to Matt.  “I’m out.”

Matt looks confused as he watches Dane leave.  “Call me later, man,” he says to his retreating figure and then looks at me, worried.  We both watch Dane get into his car.  When he backs out and turns into the street, he guns it, squealing his tires and making me jump.

Matt stares at me.  “What in the hell happened?”

I try to keep it together, but a sob has been building in my chest.  I hold my head in my hands and cry as Matt tries to comfort me as best he can.

I’ve been in my new apartment at Western for a few days, and I’m still trying to decide where things should go.  I don’t have much, but I want to be as organized as possible before classes begin.  Plus, I’d like to go out and get some stuff to make the place a little homier.  Granted, I’m being an over achiever, but I don’t have much else to do with my time.

It’s very quiet around me now.  I check in with my parents daily, since they are still concerned about me being so far away on my own.  I keep reminding them that this town is nothing new for me, just the physical location of my residence.  I’ve met three of my four “roommates” if you will; one girl, Samantha, shares apartment one with her boyfriend Todd, and Jessica, a girl in apartment three.  I haven’t met the person in four yet, but Jessica tells me she thinks it’s a guy.  And then there’s me, alone in two.  Other than speaking briefly to my new housemates, the only other friend I’ve talked to is Shel, after I received the following text when I moved in:

WHAT DID YOU DO???

Of course she assumed that I was to blame for the way things turned out with Dane, and she was right.  I explained our fight to her and she proceeded to rip me up one side and down the other.  I took it like a champ because there’s nothing I can do.  What’s done is done.  He’ll never forgive me.  I don’t forgive me.  I feel absolutely wretched about everything, and I miss him more than I’d like to admit to myself.  I can’t wait for classes to begin, so something occupies my mind other than the memory of Dane’s sad and angry face.  I’m starting to think I don’t deserve happiness.  First James, now Dane.  The image of me as the crazy cat lady that James mentioned so long ago comes to mind.

My stomach rumbles and I realize I haven’t eaten anything since breakfast.  It’s almost four.  I open the fridge to discover that I have nothing appetizing to feed myself.  I grab my keys and wallet and decide to walk to the small market that’s close to me, about two blocks away.  When I get there my hunger takes over, and I end up with two paper bags of groceries, plus some new shampoo, conditioner, and a candle that I thought would look nice on my small entertainment center.  You find things you wouldn’t normally purchase when you have uninterrupted time to wander around a store.

I make it back to the apartments carrying both bags without incident.  It’s when I’m trying to unlock the door that I have a problem.  I look around on the ground for a dry spot to set one of my bags; it rained this afternoon and everything is still wet.

“Need a hand?”

I turn around to see a guy approaching the door.  He has brown hair that curls a little and his skin has an olive tone.  As he gets closer I notice his eyes.  They’re a strange mix of blue and green, almost turquoise.  I’ve never seen anything like them.  Contacts, I immediately think.  He smiles at me in a friendly way.

“Thanks,” I say gratefully and offer him one of the bags.  He takes it as I dig out my key.  “Do you live here?” I ask as I open the door.

“Yep, just moved in.”

“I did too.  You must be apartment four.”  I turn and smile at him, then step inside and hold the door open.  He follows me.  “I’m number two.”

“Hello number two,” he says and laughs a little.

We walk down the short hallway to my place and I unlock the door.  I hurry inside to set down my bag while he waits in the hallway.  I return to take the other bag from him.  “Sorry,” I apologize.

“It’s not a problem,” he says.  “So, number two, do you have a name?”

I shift my purchases in my arms and extend my hand.  “Yes.  Emma.  Emma Donohue.”

He regards me for a moment, then smiles and shakes my hand.  “That name sounds familiar.  I feel like I’ve met you before.”

I shake my head.  “If we have met, I don’t remember.”

He releases my hand and takes a step back.  “Well, we’ve met now.  I guess I’ll be seeing you around number two.”

I laugh.  “Guess so.  Thanks for your help.”

He nods and starts to walk away as I begin to shut the door.

“Wait,” I stick my head out into the hall.

He stops and turns.  “Yes?”

“I didn’t catch your name.”

“Oh,” he smiles.  “Garrett.  Garrett Abernathy.”

Allegiant

By SARA MACK

Allegiant (Book 2 in The Guardian Trilogy)

Copyright © 2013 Sara Mack

All Rights Reserved

First Kindle Edition: 2013

Cover art by Breena Slayton & S.M. Koz

Edited by Abbie Gale Lemmon - lemmon.abbie@gmail.com

Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise) without the prior written permission of the above author of this book.

This is a work of fiction.  Names, characters, places, brands, media, and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or used fictitiously.  The author acknowledges the trademarked status and trademark owners of various products listed in this work of fiction, which have been used without permission.  The publication/use of these trademarks is not authorized, associated with, or sponsored by the trademark owners.

Dedicated to

A. J.

Thank you for remaining allegiant to me.

I love you.

Table of Contents

Prologue ~ James

Chapter 1 ~ Emma

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Chapter 23

Chapter 24

Chapter 25

Chapter 26

Chapter 27

Chapter 28

Chapter 29

Prologue ~ James

The connection between us is indescribable.  Limitless.  It is as if an invisible elastic band stretches between us, and I’m powerless to ignore its pull.  The band holds a soft electric hum that sits in the back of my mind, reminding me of its presence and my duty.  Reminding me of her.  Reminding me of what I’ve lost.

There are moments when I feel gentle tugs on the band.  Instinctively, I know which are more important than others.  Only once, since becoming her Guardian, have I felt an overwhelmingly strong pull, but I could sense she wasn’t in danger and focused all of my energy on resisting the urge to go to her.  She asked me to stay away, and I trust her.  I still need time.  Time to convince my mind and my heart that I can no longer love her.

I curse Garrett under my breath.  Where did he go?  His guidance is needed now, more so than ever.  My feelings for her have yet to diminish.  How much more time do I have before The Allegiant step in?  Before they realize my poor Guardianship and take my memories and love for her by force?  They have the power to eliminate her from my life, for eternity.

I feel a gentle tug on the band again and close my eyes tightly.  I have to stop loving her.  I have no other choice.

Chapter 1 ~ Emma

There is only so much time you can spend alone before you start to go mad.  Now, I understand why they put prisoners in solitary confinement.  Solitude gives you plenty of time to dwell on things.  The past.  The present.  The future.  What you’ve done; what you didn’t do.  What you would change if you could.  My list of regrets grows daily.  This afternoon I’ve added the following:

I should have kept myself surrounded by my family and pushed back my move to school.

I should have controlled my shocked reaction to my new neighbor telling me his name is Garrett, because he hasn’t talked to me since.

And, I should have apologized to Dane before I left, regardless of his hatred towards me.

I close my eyes to erase the memory of Dane’s anger.  It’s useless.  His expression haunts me.  I try harder and his face morphs, changing into James.  I feel the familiar squeeze around my heart whenever I think of them, and tears start to well behind my eyes.

I miss James more than I can comprehend.  Before his death we were inseparable.  After his accident, he chose to become a Guardian instead of passing on, in order to stay in my life.  He would visit me and stay throughout the night.  His mentor, Garrett, eventually pulled him away to be trained, so that one day he could be assigned a Ward of his own.  James’ absence led me to lean on a friend more than I should have.  Dane took my mind off the sadness of losing James, stood up for me when I couldn’t stand up for myself, and played a huge part in saving me from someone from my past.  I was in denial about his feelings for me, and I was allowing him to get too close.  James could see this, and it didn’t make him happy.

When it came to me, Garrett knew how tortured James was by his limitations.  He could see how my relationship with Dane was affecting James and determined the possibility of my releasing James when I die was fading.  When my own Guardian was released from their duty, Garrett decided it would be best for James if he were assigned to me.  As his Ward, I would be connected to him forever.  But, unfortunately, there are rules, and Guardians are forbidden to love their Wards.  It clouds their judgment too much, interferes with their purpose.  So while James will be bound to me for my lifetime, he is no longer allowed to love me.

It’s been a month since I’ve seen him, and my mind reels, wondering what he’s going through.  James said he would be punished, his memories of us erased, if he could not learn to control his feelings.  I told him to stay away, for as long as it takes to stop loving me, but our separation is haunting.  Not a minute goes by that I don’t think about him.  Or last summer.  Or my mistakes.

I shake my head to clear it.  I need a distraction.  I roll over and pick up my phone to call my best friend Shel.  I have to be careful, space out my calls to her, and monitor what I say.  She would be the first person to recognize that I wasn’t doing well on my own, being as she knows me better than anyone else.  What I wouldn’t give for her to drop everything and come stay with me like she did this past summer, after James died.  But she’s at school too, in Ann Arbor, and she’s dating Matt now.  I’m sure he is there visiting her every chance he gets.

Shel picks up on the third ring.  “Hey!”

“Hey.  What are you doing?”

“Watching Matt rub my feet.”

Speak of the devil.  “Oh, okay.  I’ll let you go.”

“No, you don’t have to.”

“Shel, I’m not going to talk to you while Matt rubs your feet.  It’s weird.  Just call me later.”

She laughs.  “Will do.  Oh, wait a sec.”  I hear her adjust the phone as she talks to Matt, their voices slightly muffled.  She returns to me.  “Good news!  Matt’s able to come with me to visit you for your birthday.”

I’m grateful that she can’t see me rolling my eyes.  Not that I don’t want visitors; I do.  But I was looking forward to having a girls-only birthday celebration.  You know, a gallon of ice cream and a movie or two.  The last thing I want to watch is Matt and Shel make goo-goo eyes at each other.  “That’s great,” I say, trying to put some genuine enthusiasm into my response.  It still sounds forced.

“Emmmmma….” she draws out my name, sensing my irritation.

“Call me back when you’re free,” I say, ignoring her whine and hanging up.  I roll on to my back and stare at the ceiling.  Now what?  I play with my phone, scrolling through the pictures I have saved.  Most are of James before his accident.  A few are of Shel.  And then there’s the last one.  I stare at the picture of Dane that I snapped after we finished playing mini golf a few weeks ago, when he volunteered to help heal my heart.  Little did I know that, merely days later, I would be hurting his.

I sigh and toss my phone aside.  Things really suck right now.

On August 30th, the buzzer from the front door sounds in my apartment.  I rush to answer.  “Hello?”

“Happy birthday to you!  Happy birthday to you!  Happy birthday dear Emma!  Happy birthday to you!”

Only Shel would sing into an intercom.  “I’ll be right there,” I laugh.

I leave my apartment and head down the short hallway to the main entrance of my building.  It’s actually an old house that’s been converted into four apartments for students at Western Michigan University.  James and I had planned to live here together during our last year of school, but, well, you know.

I throw open the door, anxious to see my friends.  “Hi!”

Shel steps forward and tosses her arms around me.  “Happy birthday!”

“We’ve already established that,” I say into her shoulder.  “Where’s Matt?”

“He’s coming.  He’s getting your gift out of the car.”

A moment later, I see Matt turn the corner of the sidewalk carrying a large box.  It’s perfectly square and colorfully wrapped.  “Hey Emma!”

“Hey,” I smile as he approaches us.  I hold the door open for him as Shel and I enter the hallway.  They follow me to my apartment.

“This is cute,” Shel says, glancing around my place as we enter.  “Very nice.  Better than my digs, that’s for sure.”

“I can’t complain,” I say as I close the door behind Matt.  Looking at the box in his hands I ask, “Why did you guys bring me a present?  You didn’t need to do that.”

“It’s your birthday,” Matt says.  “Presents are mandatory.” He walks over and sets the box down on my small coffee table.  “You should probably open it sooner rather than later.”

“What’s the rush?” I ask, just as the box moves on its own.  I eye the two of them suspiciously.  “What’s in there?”

“See for yourself,” Shel says with a self-satisfied grin.

I approach the box cautiously.  “It isn’t going to jump out at me, is it?”

Matt smiles.  “Maybe.  Maybe not.”

I shoot him a questioning look.  “Let me re-phrase.  It’s not going to bite me, is it?”

He shrugs.

I see the lid is wrapped separately from the rest of the box as I tentatively place my hands on either side.  The box moves again as I grab the lid and jump back, much to Shel and Matt’s amusement.  As soon as the cover is off, two little ears appear at the top of the box followed by two tiny white paws.  A fuzzy gray head peeks over the edge, and my heart dissolves instantly.  It’s a kitten.  I let out an “awwww” as I step forward to scoop him out of the box.  “Where’d you find him?”

“Her,” Matt corrects me.  “She was the last of a litter brought into my dad’s clinic about a week ago.”  He smiles and reaches out to scratch behind her ears.  “She’s three months old and very friendly.  I made sure all of her shots were up to date.”

“We thought you could use a friend out here,” Shel says as she steps forward, offering me the plastic bag I noticed her carrying.  “Here are some supplies for the little booger.”

I laugh.  “Little booger?”

“She’s been tromping all over my stuff for the last few days.  I’ve been babysitting until we came out here.”

I snuggle my new little friend.  She’s so soft and has big copper-colored eyes.  “Thanks you guys.  She’s awesome.”

Shel smiles at me.  “You’re welcome.”

“You can have pets here, right?” Matt asks.

I nod as the kitten squirms against my arms.  I crouch down to set her on the floor and watch her as she starts to explore the living area.

“Let’s get this stuff set up before she has an accident,” Shel nods toward the bag.  We head to the kitchen, and I pull out two small bowls that can be used for food and water.

“So, what’s the plan for tonight?” Matt asks, plopping down on the loveseat.  He nearly sinks to the floor.  “Whoa!  What’s up with this couch?” he laughs.

I look over my shoulder.  “Oh, sorry.  It’s old.  It’s been hanging out in my parent’s basement.”  I fill one bowl with water and place it on the floor next to the wall while Shel fills the other with cat food.  “For now, it does what I need it to do.”

Matt readjusts himself to sit on the edge.

“Where do you want the litter box?” Shel asks.

“Probably the bathroom?  So it’s out of sight?”

Shel nods and heads down my tiny hallway.  She pauses at my bedroom and then finds the bathroom on the right.  I look into the bag and find the last of the kitten’s supplies, two little red mouse-shaped toys.  I walk into the living room and toss them on to the floor.  The kitten comes running.  Kneeling down, I grab one by the tail and dangle it in front of her as she bats at it.  Her playfulness makes me smile.  The realization hits me, yet again, that I have amazing people in my life.  The kitten is just what I needed.  I look up at Matt.  “Thank you.  Like, sincerely.  You don’t know how much I’ve needed something to take my mind off things.”

He smiles.  “Shel thought you might be a little stressed out.”

I nod as I hold the toy just out of the kittens reach.  She jumps to grab it and snares it in her claws, making me laugh.  “She would know.”

“So,” Shel says, reappearing behind me.  “What’s for dinner?”

“There’s a great Thai place close to here,” I suggest.  “We could go there.”

“Do they have carryout?” she asks.

I look at her confused.  “Yeah, but I figured you guys wouldn’t want to stay here all night.”

“Where’s the menu?”  She turns toward the kitchen.

“On the fridge.”

She walks over, grabs it, and then picks up her phone.  “You don’t mind going to grab dinner, do you hun?” she asks Matt.

“Nope,” he answers.

I think Matt would do anything Shel asked of him – walk over hot coals, jump off a bridge, eat glass.  You name it.  Of course he doesn’t mind.  Shel starts to peruse the menu.  “Good.  Emma and I need some girl time.”

“If we needed ‘girl time’ why did you drag him here with you?  I feel bad.”

I glance at the door Matt just left through.  It’s been about twenty minutes since we placed our order.

“I needed his help with the cat,” Shel says as she sets her glass on the coffee table.  “And, believe it or not, he wanted to see you.”

“Does he do everything you ask of him?”

She considers my question and then nods.  “Just about.”

“How do I get one of those?” I muse wistfully.

Shel snorts.  “You had one of those, remember?”

I look at her with wide eyes.  Did I say that out loud?  She turns her body to face me on the couch and crosses her legs.  She tosses her long brown hair over her shoulder, revealing bright red highlights underneath, and trains her chocolate brown eyes on my green ones.  She cocks an eyebrow.  “You haven’t been honest with me.”

I scrunch up my nose.  “About what?”

“You know.”

“Um, no.  I don’t know.”

“Dane.”

I groan.  After James was assigned as my Guardian, the depression I felt after his accident threatened to return.  I didn’t want my friends and family to worry about me.  I tried to maintain a sense of normalcy and ended up alienating one of the best people that has ever come into my life.  Dane will never forgive me after what happened between us, as well he shouldn’t.  “I told you everything.  It’s my birthday.  Do we have to discuss this?”

“Yes, because I’m here and I can see your face.  You can’t lie to me in person.”

This is true.  It’s much easier for me to lie over the phone.  “What do you think I’m lying about?”

Shel crosses her arms to match her legs and narrows her eyes at me.  “Matt told me something about the fight you had with Dane.  A major detail that you neglected to mention to me.”

I stare at her confused.

“It’s a major detail,” she presses.

I rack my brain.  I thought I told her everything about the fight.  About how Dane wanted to know if I could ever love him.  How he said he would wait for me until I was over James.  About how I told him no, because it would be unfair to make him wait indefinitely.  About how he stormed off after Matt interrupted our argument.

“I’m going to ask you a question,” Shel says.  “And I want the truth.”

I look at her, perplexed.

“Did you almost sleep with Dane?”

Oh shit.  I can feel the blood drain from my face, yet it feels hot at the same time.  I can tell from her expression that she knows it’s true.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” she asks, her eyes wide.

“Because it was a mistake,” I whisper.  Did Matt and Dane really have this conversation about me?  I know they’re good friends, but come on!  I start to feel my face flush deeper at the realization that Matt knows about this too.

Shel throws her arms in the air.  “Do you realize how bad I fought with Matt over this?  I told him Dane had to be lying because you would have told me.  What the hell Emma?”  She pouts.

I can’t look at her.  “I…it shouldn’t….”

“Did he pressure you?” she asks, suddenly concerned.

My head snaps up.  “No!  It wasn’t like that.”  I push myself off the couch and head toward the kitchen.  My mouth feels dry all of a sudden.

“Well, then.  When?”

“After dinner at Louie’s; when he left and I was mad.”  I open the cabinet and grab a glass.  I fill it under the sink faucet and take a big gulp.

“No wonder,” Shel murmurs.

I turn around to face her and lean against the sink to stare into the living room.  “No wonder what?”

“I couldn’t understand how one fight could make you two so angry with each other.”

Unfolding her legs, she pats the cushion next to her.  I walk toward her slowly, side stepping my new buddy who’s chasing her tail.  I take a seat, and Shel wraps her arm around my shoulders.  “I wish you would have told me sooner.  We could have talked about it.  You’ve got to stop keeping all this stuff in.”

I nod as I stare at my glass.

“And I’m sorry I lit into you when I found out about the fight.  That was wrong of me.”

I give her a small smile.  “No apology needed.  I deserved it.”

She grimaces.  “I don’t know about that.”

I set my glass on the table next to Shel’s.  “Do you think Dane will ever speak to me again?”

She gives me a sympathetic look.

“How bad is it?” I ask.

“I haven’t talked to him.”

“But Matt has?”

She sighs.  “I asked him if he would talk to Dane, to see if things could be worked out.  I knew you were feeling bad and thought maybe, after some time, you could at least be friends again.”

“And?” I cringe.

“Matt’s unsure if that can happen.  He said Dane’s got a lot going on right now and any contact from you would probably be a bad idea.  He said he needs time to sort things out.”

I frown, but nod in understanding.  What did I expect?

“It’s only been two weeks,” Shel reassures me.  “Things will get better.  There’s nothing that a little time can’t heal.”

I’m not so sure about that.  She wasn’t there; she didn’t see the look on Dane’s face.  It was as if I had reached into his chest and pulled out his beating heart with my bare hands.

We hear a knock on the door, and Shel jumps up to open it.  I turn to see Matt walk backward through the doorway carrying two bags of take out, both balanced in his arms and tucked under his chin.  “Some guy let me in at the front door,” he says as he turns to us.  He walks over, puts the bags down on the counter, and smiles. “Who’s hungry?”

I give him a weary glance and slowly rise to get some plates.  He looks suspiciously at me and then at Shel.  “Oh, I took the liberty of picking up one of these,” he adds, opening the second plastic bag dramatically.  It’s a small chocolate cake.  It doesn’t bring the reaction he was hoping for, and he looks at me confused.

“Thanks,” I say and stop to give him a one-armed hug.  I hang on a little longer than necessary and he notices.  His eyes dart to Shel accusingly.

“Aw, hell.  You told her we knew, didn’t you?”

Chapter 2

The next morning, I wake to find Shel still asleep next to me.  I stare at the ceiling recalling how odd, yet great, this birthday was.  I’m so thankful for my friends.

Shel and Matt decided to stay the night; despite Matt’s annoyance with my crappy 24-inch tube TV and lack of surround sound.  I reminded him at least I had cable, and James had been the one with all the hi-tech toys, not me.  His teasing stopped after that.  There was no further mention of Dane, thankfully, and the three of us spent the evening eating cake, watching the Tigers, and reminiscing.  We’ve been friends since we were ten, and that includes James.  Matt once told me he and Shel felt like James was still a part of their lives by spending time with me.  I love that.

Around midnight, Matt fell asleep on my less-than-ideal loveseat, so Shel and I crammed ourselves into my full-size bed with the kitten.  We spent another hour trying to come up with a name for her.  By the time I drifted off, we were leaning toward Little Booger.

Speaking of, where is she?  I raise my head to look around my bedroom and can’t find her.  I pull back the blanket and swing my legs off the side of the bed, silently hoping she hasn’t fallen in the toilet.  I take a few steps across the hall to the bathroom and turn on the light.  Nope.  No cat swimming here.  I turn and head into the living room and stop short.  There, on the couch, is perhaps the most adorable thing I’ve ever seen.

Matt remains asleep on his back, his body weight causing my loveseat’s sad springs to sag low.  He’s a big guy, and his long legs overflow one end.  His head is wedged at an odd angle between the corner of the armrest and the back of the couch; I can barely make out his blonde hair.  He looks incredibly uncomfortable.  But there, in the center of his chest, lies Little Booger.  She’s curled up asleep, in a contented little ball, soothed by the rise and fall of Matt’s breathing.  I can hear her loud purr as his two huge hands surround her in a protective little nest.  I have to take a picture.

I sprint back into my bedroom and grab my phone off the nightstand.  I creep into the living room and get as close as I dare so as not to wake them.  I take the picture and then look at it, smiling at my memento.  Yep, this was a pretty awesome birthday.

A day later, my parents paid me a visit to celebrate.  They were infatuated with Little Booger, almost as if she were a grandchild.  At first I thought it was strange, but then I remembered they treat my brother’s dog, Jake, the same way.  They weren’t too impressed with my choice of name for her though, so I think I’ll shorten it to LB.  And, of course, they brought me birthday gifts.  The first bag held two new outfits, while the second contained a box of Bisquick.  My dad explained it was his contribution, so I could learn to make pancakes.  I laughed when I opened it.  No one can make pancakes like my dad.

I spent the majority of Labor Day weekend with my parents, since they decided to make an extended trip of my birthday and stay at a local hotel.  They wouldn’t admit it, but I think the main reason for their mini-vacation was to make sure I was safe on my own so far away from home.  I know they are worried about me.  James was by my side for two years at WMU, not to mention I was attacked this past summer by a former classmate.  I understand their concern.  This is new territory for me – and for them.

As I finish reminiscing, I get ready to attend my first class of my senior year.  I’m ecstatic.  I finally have something to do with my time, other than dwell on the past.  I hope my schedule of Analytical Foundations, Communication in Business, Intro to Ethics, and Business Statistics will give me a lot of homework.  I stop and make a face at myself in the mirror.

Really Emma?  Get a life.

I comb my hair and pull it into a ponytail, noticing it looks more auburn than brown these days.  I quickly apply a pale green eye shadow over the light skin of my eyelids, throw on some clear lip gloss, and turn off the bathroom light.  My morning routine is not very intricate.

As I head out the door, I bend down and kiss LB.  “Be good,” I remind her as she watches me go.  I have a feeling she’ll be getting into my hair ties again.  “I’ll be home in a few hours.”  I shut and lock the door behind me, then try the knob for good measure.

“Hey there.”

I look over and see my neighbor, Garrett, leaving his place as well.  We haven’t spoken since I first moved in; since the day he told me his name and I acted all shocked and flustered.  I’ve never met another Garrett in my life; the odds of my neighbor having the same name as James’ Guardian mentor had to be a thousand to one.

Garrett looks overdressed, even though I have no idea where he is headed.  He’s wearing pressed khaki’s and a blue button-down shirt, which make his odd turquoise eyes really stand out.  He looks like he just came from the barber; his brown hair is cut neatly on the sides but still wavy on the top.  His skin also looks more tan than I remember.  “Hey,” I give him a small smile.

“Headed to class?” he asks.

“Yep.”

“Which one?”

“Intro to Ethics,” I say as I walk toward him and the front door.  “You?”

He smiles.  “The same.  Who’ve you got?”

I reach into my bag and pull out my schedule.  I didn’t memorize my instructor’s names.  “Johnson.”

“Well, that’s a coincidence.  So do I.”

My mind unwillingly flashes to Patrick, the lab partner that decided he liked me a bit too much and signed up for all the same classes as me.  The same person that James changed schools to protect me from.  The exact same person that attacked me over the summer.  I push the image away.  This is a coincidence.  Not all people are psychos.  Just to make sure, I ask Garrett what other classes he has this semester.

“American Military History, Entrepreneurship, and Small Business Management.”

I breathe easier.  He opens the front door and stands aside.  “After you.”

“Thanks.”

We head to campus together.  On a nice day like today it’s about a ten minute walk, but when winter hits I’ll be driving for sure.  “So, where are you from?” I ask.

“Hope Mills, North Carolina.”

“Oh.”  I was expecting him to say a city in Michigan.  “I’ve never heard of it.”

“It’s a small town.”

“What made you choose Western?”

“I heard it’s an excellent school for business majors.”

We reach the street corner and pause for the light to change.  “My major is Management.  Have you had Pittinger for Organizational Behavior yet?”

Garrett shakes his head.  “Nope, I just transferred.  This is my first semester here.”

“Well, avoid her,” I give him words of advice.  “Like the plague.”

He laughs as the light changes, and we cross the street.

“So,” he asks me, “did you get a cat or do you have some sort of mewling alarm clock?”

I shoot him an apologetic look.  “You can hear her?  I’m sorry.  She’s just a kitten.”

“Only in the morning,” he says, “before I’ve had my coffee.  I thought I was hearing things without the caffeine.”

“No, that would be LB.”  I shake my head.  “She’s quite demanding when she’s hungry.”

“LB?” he asks.

“Little Booger.”  I look at him sheepishly.  “It’s the best name Shel and I could come up with.  Obviously she’s living up to the title.”

He chuckles.  “Is Shel your friend with the red in her hair?”

His question makes me pause.  How would he have seen Shel?

“And Matt’s her boyfriend?”

I stop on the sidewalk.  “How…how do you know my friends?”

He stops a few steps ahead of me.  “I don’t.  They were over last week, right?  I ran into the guy carrying some bags and let him in.  He introduced himself.”  He walks back toward me.  The expression on my face must alarm him because he says, “I didn’t mean to startle you.  Again.”

I blink and resume walking.  “Sorry.”  I feel like an idiot.

He falls into step beside me, and we make it to the next corner.  We wait for the signal to change and then cross the street in silence.  Halfway up the block, he clears his throat.  “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

“You didn’t.”  I give him a reassuring look and, wanting to shift the focus off me, ask, “Do you go home to visit often?”

Garrett’s jaw tenses.  “I don’t think I’ll be going home anytime soon.  I left for a reason.  No one knows where I am.”

That sounds serious.  “Are you in the witness protection program?” I half-heartedly joke.

One side of his mouth quirks up.  “No.”

I don’t know why, but I feel sorry for Garrett.  It must be rough without having any friends or family to talk to.  “Well, if you need anything, I’m right next door.”

He flashes me a smile.

We make it to the edge of campus and start to cross over to the main building.  Out of the corner of my eye, I think I see James.  Surprised, I inhale sharply and turn to my left, my heart skipping a beat.  My eyes search the bench where I thought he was seated and find it empty.  I frown as disappointment washes over me.

“Everything all right?” Garrett asks.

I nod and continue to walk, giving him a lame smile.  Suddenly, to my right, I see James again, casually leaning against a light post.  I catch myself smiling and take a step to rush and greet him.  He appears to ignore me, and I stop in my tracks.  I blink, and he vanishes.

“Are you sure?” Garrett asks.

I’m starting to wonder.  My gaze shifts to the left.  James is there, walking in my direction, although he doesn’t appear to notice me.  I close my eyes, then open them to look forward.  Sure enough, I see him again, but now he is standing several feet away beneath a maple tree, oblivious to my presence.  If he were truly here, he would at least make eye contact or speak.  My breathing becomes erratic as I realize I’m seeing things.

Garrett steps into my line of vision.  “You look pale.  Did you eat this morning?”

I nod.  I had a banana and a granola bar.

All of a sudden, blood starts to pound behind my ears, and I’m having a hard time hearing and focusing.  Garrett’s face blurs before my eyes.  I don’t understand what’s happening.  Is this some sort of post-traumatic stress breakdown?

I feel Garrett grab ahold of my elbow.  “I think you need to sit down.”  He leads me over to a nearby planter box where I gratefully take a seat.  I hold my head in my hands in an attempt to make the pulsating stop.  It only grows worse and more painful.

“What’s wrong?” he worriedly asks.  His voice sounds muffled to me.

“I think I’m getting a headache,” I say as I lean forward to rest my elbows on my knees.  James’ face appears in front of me, even as I stare at the ground.  When his image is the only thing that will stay in focus, I close my eyes.  My first time back on campus without him is messing with my head.

“Do you have a fever?”

It sounds like Garrett has moved to crouch in front of me.  I feel his hand rest against my forehead to check my temperature.  It’s freezing cold.  Maybe I do have a fever.

“Okay, now you’re shaking,” he observes as he removes his hand.

I sit up and attempt to open my eyes.  Things are hazy, my ears feel hot, and with every beat of my heart my temples pulse in pain.

“Does it hurt?” he asks as he sits on his heels in front of me.

I nod.

“Do you trust me?”

I narrow my eyes in confusion.  Do I trust him?  I barely know him.  But the longer he stares at me with those odd turquoise eyes the calmer I feel.  “Do you wear contacts?” I ask absentmindedly.

“That’s not what I asked,” he says.

Right.  Trust.  “I guess I trust you.”

He nods decisively and stands.  He looks around, as if making sure no one is watching, and then places his hands on either side of my head, just above my ears.

“What are you…?”

“Quiet,” he tells me.

He closes his eyes as he applies gentle pressure to my head.  When he does this, it feels like all the pain and fuzziness gathers at the top, like he’s pushing it there.  A moment later, frigid air blasts through my body, traveling from the top of my head down through my toes, taking my pain with it.  It happens so fast I don’t have time to react.

Garrett opens his eyes and releases my head.  “How do you feel?”

I look at him in awe.  I feel good.  Actually, I feel better than good.  I feel amazing.  I feel energized, like I could run a marathon.  My blood sings in my veins.

“How did you…what was that?” I ask him, shocked.  “The pain is gone.”

He glances at his watch, like what he did was no big deal.  “We have to get moving or we’re going to be late.”

I stand, and we head toward the main building.  I feel like skipping; I have so much energy.  I try to contain myself.  “How did you do that?” I whisper.

He holds the door open for me.  “It’s called reiki.”

“Reiki?  I’ve never heard of anything like it.”

When we find our classroom, Garrett takes a seat next to me.  I fish my textbook out of my bag, set it on the desk, and then look over at him.  “Thank you.  I don’t know how I would have made it through this class without your help.”

He nods and then opens his book, pretending to be interested in the first few pages.  I get the feeling that he doesn’t want to discuss it anymore, so I drop the subject.

Eventually, Ms. Johnson arrives to begin class.  I have to force myself to concentrate on what she’s telling us.  I make a mental note to research reiki when I get home.  I’m finding it hard to focus, but in a good way.  My body still feels like it’s humming.

Intro to Ethics is my only class on Tuesdays.  Afterward, I stop and get a significantly more substantial lunch compared to what I ate for breakfast.  I also stop by the library to reserve two of the recommended reading books assigned by Ms. Johnson.  Better to be safe than sorry.  I get caught up in the fiction books for a while, and before I know it, it’s almost four o’clock.  By now, LB may have very well torn up the place.

I make my way back across campus toward my apartment.  The feeling from the reiki has subsided to an almost non-existence, and I’m starting to feel a little tired.  I make it off campus and to the first cross street without any reoccurrence of my James-induced trauma fit.  I silently pray that it will never happen again.

As I approach my place, I see a large industrial van parked in the street.  Two men are busy at the back, setting up a ramp for a delivery.  As I get closer, I notice the truck appears to be full of furniture.  The front door to my building is propped open, so I maneuver around them with a smile and head inside.

“Excuse me?”

I turn around.

“Are you Emma Donohue?”

I hesitate as I make eye contact with the burly delivery man.  “Yes.”

“We have a delivery for you.”  He grabs a clipboard off the back of the truck and walks toward the door.  “I need you to sign here and here.”  He marks each spot with an X.

I take the clipboard from him, confused.  I read the invoice.  It’s for a couch and a television.  An expensive couch and television.  And it’s marked PAID IN FULL.  “I didn’t order these things.”  I hand the clipboard back to him.  “There must be some mistake.”

The man looks over the billing.  “Hmm.  Let me see.”

Just then my cell beeps, letting me know I have a voicemail.  Funny, I didn’t hear it ring.  While the delivery men try to figure out the mistake, I pull my phone from my bag.  There’s a missed call from my parents, probably my mom.  I touch the screen to clear the alert, and notice I have a missed text as well.  My phone must not get a signal in the library.  Since Jim Bob and Darryl haven’t figured out the problem yet, I decide to read the text.

Someone told me you needed a few things.  They should be delivered today.  Happy belated birthday.

It’s from Dane.

Chapter 3

Awestruck, I stare at my phone.  Are you kidding me?  There’s no way I can accept his gift.  It’s way too much, and besides, my saggy loveseat and tube TV work just fine.

I look up, and the two delivery men are still mulling over the supposed error.  “I’m sorry,” I interrupt them.  “I guess the items really are for me.”  I hold out my phone, indicating the message.  “But I won’t be accepting the delivery.”

One of the men looks at the invoice and then back at me.  “Sorry, but whoever purchased these items paid a surcharge for a confirmed delivery,” he says.  “We’re obligated to leave the merchandise.”

I frown in frustration.  Of course Dane would realize I wouldn’t want to accept such an extravagant gift.  The delivery man hands the clipboard to me again, and under duress I sign by the X’s.  “I’ll go open my door.”

He nods and turns to help his coworker finish setting up the ramp.  I head to my apartment and make my way inside.  LB comes running the minute she hears my entrance.

“Hey there, fuzz ball,” I say affectionately as I scoop her up with one hand.  I kiss her head and snuggle her to my chest.  “I’m going to have to keep you in the bedroom for a minute.  Apparently you just got a new scratching post.”  I walk into the bedroom, set her on the bed, and throw my bag on the floor.  “I’ll be right back,” I say as I close the door behind me.

Voices carry into my apartment, and when I stick my head out the door, I see Garrett attempting to help guide the delivery men down the hallway.  I step out of the way as Garrett enters my place first.

“How’d you get involved in this?” I ask him.

He smiles.  “I heard a bunch of voices, so I thought I’d check it out.”

The men work to round the doorway into my place, and I glance back at my old loveseat and then at Garrett.  “Will you help me shove that out of the way?”

“Sure.”

We push the loveseat over, against the back wall, so the new couch can fit into the room.  It looks huge compared to what I had.  The men put it into place and then remove the protective plastic.  It’s a soft taupe color, overstuffed, with three seats instead of two.  When the delivery men leave my apartment to bring the TV, I walk over and touch the fabric.  I should have known.  It’s not fabric.  It’s leather.

“Nice,” Garrett says, moving to stand next to me.  “Birthday present?”

I shoot him a puzzled look.

He shrugs.  “I heard you talking in the hallway with your friends.”

Before I can ask him if his apartment walls are made of paper, one of the delivery men reappears with the television.  Judging from the box, it’s a 37” LED flat-screen.  We move out of his way as he carries it over to my pitiful entertainment stand, sets it down on the floor, and goes to work opening the box.

“What are you going to do with your old stuff?” Garrett asks me.

I can’t help but notice the interest in his voice.  “Would you like it?” I ask.  I know my parents don’t want either item back.  As a matter of fact, I think my mother would like to torch the loveseat personally.

“Actually, I would,” Garrett says.  “I moved kind of quickly, and I don’t have a lot of stuff.”

“Then it’s yours.”  I walk over to stand behind the armrest of the loveseat.  “You pull, and I’ll push?”

He nods and grabs hold of the opposite end.  It takes us a little maneuvering, but we manage to get it into the hallway and down to his apartment.  He opens his door and then pulls on the armrest, walking backward.  I push on my end until I’m completely over the threshold.  I stand up straight, take in his place, and gasp.

There is absolutely nothing in here.  Okay, there’s a wood dining chair.  And books.  Lots of books, stacked on top of each other against the wall in the living area.  I eye Garrett.  “You weren’t kidding, were you?”

He shakes his head.

“Do you have a bed at least?”

“I have a mattress.”

His apartment is laid out in the mirror image of mine.  I look into the kitchen, and the only thing I see on the counter is an old stainless steel coffee pot.  It looks like it’s from 1952.  “Is there anything else you need?” I ask, concerned.

“I have all the necessities,” he says.  “Roof over my head, running water, clothes on my back.  What more could I want?  Well, besides a couch and a TV,” he smiles.

I frown.  Not only does he not have any family or friends, he possesses next to nothing.  “Let me go get the TV for you,” I say and start to leave.

“I’ll get it.”  He jumps around me.  “It’s probably heavy.”

“I’m not that big of a wuss,” I protest, but he leaves out the door anyway.  I look around his apartment again and curiosity gets the better of me.  I creep down the short hallway to peek into his room.  I see a mattress on the floor, covered by a thin blanket.  His clothes are neatly folded and stacked against the walls like the books, separated into piles by shirts and pants.  I turn, and my eye catches the bathroom.  It contains only a towel and a toothbrush.  He doesn’t even have a shower curtain.

I return to stand by the loveseat, so he won’t know I’ve been snooping.  I make my mind up immediately.  Garrett will be receiving a few things courtesy of me.

He rounds the corner moments later, his arms full of my little tube TV.  “The delivery guys have something to ask you.”

I nod.  “You want me to help you place this thing?”  I glance at the couch.

“Nope, I’ve got it.  Thank you.”

“No problem.”  I start to leave.  “Remember, if you need anything, I’m right next door.”

He smiles as he sets the television on the floor.  “I remember.”

I give him a small wave goodbye and head back to my apartment.

“Do you plan on hooking this up to anything other than the DVD player and the cable box?” the delivery man asks.  He has the TV set up on my stand.  Even with it projecting nothing but static, it looks like a movie screen compared to my old set.

“No.  That’s all I’ve got.”

“Then,” he tightens something in the back and a crystal-clear picture appears, “we’re finished here.”

The other delivery man collects the box and plastic from the television as they both head out the door.  “Enjoy your new things.”

“Thanks.”  I shut the door behind them and then promptly move to let LB out of the bedroom.  “Sorry,” I apologize to her.  “Come check out this new stuff with me.”  I pick her up and walk over to the couch.  Tentatively, I sit down on the middle cushion and then lean back.  Darn it if it isn’t incredibly soft and comfortable.  I look down at LB and her claws.  Kitten claws and leather aren’t a good combination.  “I take back what I said LB.  You cannot use this as a scratching post.”

A few hours later, after I’ve covered the couch with two winter blankets to protect it from LB, eaten the leftover Chinese takeout, and read the first two chapters for Intro to Ethics, I sit in the living room holding my cell phone in my hands.  I know I should thank Dane for his generosity, but I’m nervous.  Matt said I shouldn’t contact him.  But he contacted me first.  I sigh and suck it up.  I type Thank you and hit send.

My phone chimes with a text almost immediately.  You’re welcome.  You like?

I smile.  Yes.  But you shouldn’t have done it.

Why?  Matt needs a decent place to sleep when he stays.

He plans on staying more often, does he?  It’s too expensive I send.

No worries.

I pause, thinking of what to say next.  A simple good night would probably be best.  Minutes pass.  I can’t possibly ask him what I truly want to know, which is “Can you ever forgive me?”

He texts again.  I’m sorry.

I’ve missed our sarcastic banter.  For sending me a couch?  You’re forgiven.

That’s not what I meant.

I swallow nervously.  I should be the one apologizing.

No.  What happened was because of me.  I started it.

True, but I’m not letting him take all the blame.  I should have stopped it sooner.

Fifteen minutes pass.  I start to think I won’t hear from him again and set my phone down.  It chimes against the table.  Friends?

Why do I feel like this is a loaded question?  On one hand, I feel relieved.  But as the relief sinks in, my heart starts to ache a little.  I still love James, but I also care about Dane more than I should.  Would it be the best idea to remain friends with him?  Will this hurt both of us in the long run?  Depending on my response, I could open a door or end everything right now.

Friends I confirm and hit send.  I should really stop asking myself questions I already know the answers to.

Out of a deep sleep, I jolt awake.  I glance at the clock; it’s after midnight.  I look down to see LB curled by my side.  I try to change position without disturbing her, but it doesn’t work.  She gets up and stretches, then turns around and lies back down.  I shift to my side, hug my pillow, and close my eyes.  Suddenly, the dream I was having returns to me.

I was with Garrett.  We were in a really bright place, almost like we were standing in a ray of light.  The ground looked soft, but it wasn’t.  I know this because, as we walked together, I felt no spring under my feet.  Wherever we were felt really warm, like a summer day, but not hot and sticky.  He was explaining something to me and gesturing with his hands, but I don’t recall the conversation.  As we walked, we passed other people, and I got distracted.  The other people would nod and smile at me.  I couldn’t help but notice they all had the same color eyes as Garrett; that odd turquoise blue color.  I remember looking at him, confused, and asking for an explanation.  We stopped walking, and he asked if I trusted him.  I told him yes.  He placed his hands on my head and…

I woke up.

That’s it.  The reiki.  I didn’t get a chance to investigate that.

I try to go back to sleep for over an hour.  LB gets mad at my changing positions and decides to leave me, curling up on the floor by the air vent instead.  When two a.m. hits, I give up.  I crawl out of bed, grab my laptop, crawl back into bed, and start researching reiki.

I find plenty of information on the topic, and the description sounds similar to what Garrett did, but it doesn’t exactly fit.  What he did seemed supernatural.  I try searching for similar things, typing in “relieving headaches by touch” and “moving pain through the body.”  I read article after article, and many are in regard to homeopathic medicine.  I even search for first-hand accounts of something similar.  Nothing matches.

I finally grow tired, and my eyes start to hurt from reading the computer screen in the dark.  I turn off my laptop and set in on the floor.  So much for that research.  I’ll just have to ask Garrett more questions about his “reiki” when I see him again.  I scoot down under my covers and close my eyes.  I’m relieved my first class doesn’t start until eleven tomorrow morning.

My thoughts turn to Dane and what happened today.  Things started out pretty terrible with my James episode, but the day ended on a high note.  I’m grateful for the things I have.  I inadvertently think of Garrett, who has nothing.  I feel really bad for him.  I start to make a mental list of things I could get for him.  A shower curtain.  A comforter or at least a heavier blanket.  Sheets.  Maybe towels.  I shake my head into my pillow.  How could he have none of these things?  He looks to be my age.  What would have made him leave his home so suddenly?

My eyes snap open.  Maybe he does have weird powers, hence the reiki excuse, and he was cast out.  Shunned.  He said he came from a small town.  Maybe his powers were revealed, and they wanted to experiment on him medically, so he ran away.  Or maybe he’s a psychic.  That would explain how he knew I just had a birthday, and that Matt was Shel’s boyfriend.  I’m not sure I buy his defense of “I overheard you talking.”  Or maybe he’s ill.  He does feel extremely cold; maybe he has some rare disease and is seeking alternative medicines.  That would explain all the books.  When he felt my forehead this morning, his hand was freezing.  I’ve never felt anyone that cold except for James.

“James,” I whisper in disbelief and sit upright.  Was my first instinct correct?  Could my neighbor Garrett and James’ Garrett be one and the same?  No, not possible.  Garrett is human, not a Guardian.  His hands don’t pass through objects; he can physically move heavy things.  He drinks coffee.  He goes to college.  And if Garrett were hanging around me, wouldn’t James have shown up with some sort of an explanation?

I lie back down, mulling things over.  Garrett seems nice enough.  I wonder what his real story is.  I don’t feel an inkling of danger when I’m around him.  James would let me know to be cautious because that’s what Guardians do.  Maybe all Garrett needs is someone to talk to, and I have plenty of time on my hands.  I’m curious.  I can’t help it.

It looks like the universe just handed me a hobby.

Chapter 4

My instructors aren’t playing this semester.  Business Stats and Analytical Foundations were brutal yesterday, and it was only the first session of each.  Communications in Business looks to be my easiest class, with Intro to Ethics somewhere in between.  I chalk my struggle with them up to the fact that I’m still tired from spending all of Tuesday night contemplating Garrett.  I hope to ask him to lunch today after Ethics, in an effort to get some of my questions answered.  I immediately spot him when I enter the classroom and take a seat beside him.

“Good morning,” he says.

“Good morning.  How’s my couch treating you?”

“Great.  Thank you again.”

“You’re welcome.”  As I dig through my bag I ask, “Do you want to get some lunch after class?”

He raises an eyebrow like he’s surprised I suggested it.  “I have Management until two.  Is a late lunch okay?”

I nod.  “Where do you want to go?”

“I’ll cook,” he says.  I must look confused, because he follows with, “I do own a pan or two.”

Touché.  “Should I bring the plates then?”

He smiles.  “No.  But you might want to bring a table.”

We laugh as Ms. Johnson appears at the front of room.  She sets a stack of papers on her desk and brings us all to attention.  Today’s lecture will be on the riveting topic of Aristotle’s defection from the teachings of Plato.

Garrett told me to show up any time after three.  I finished an assignment for Stats, and now I’m wasting time by playing with LB on my bed.  I have a mental list of questions compiled for him.  I hope I can be subtle.  His life is his business.  Why should he share it with me?

My phone chimes, and I reach for it on the nightstand, still trailing a piece of yarn for LB to catch.  There’s a text from Shel.

How are you enjoying your birthday presents?

I see my extravagant gifts have come up in conversation.  I drop the yarn and decide to be facetious.  I’m playing with LB right now.  Enjoying it very much.

Haha.  I know about Dane.

Duh.

Why didn’t you tell me?

Classes are rough.

I’ll say.

I look at the clock.  It’s ten after three.  Having a late lunch with a friend.  Call you later.

Anyone I know?

My neighbor, Garrett.

I set the phone down and give LB a good rubbing with both hands.  “See you in a little bit,” I tell her.  I pick up my cell and my keys, and head toward the front door.  My phone goes off again.

????

I roll my eyes at Shel.  I know what she’s thinking.  I quickly type It’s not like that and hit send.  I look at my phone and decide I don’t need to bring it with me.  I set it on the couch and head out.  When I approach Garrett’s door, I can smell whatever it is he’s cooking and my stomach growls.  It smells delicious.  I knock and hear him shout, “Its open!”

When I enter the apartment I find him in the kitchen, bent over a large pot on the stove, stirring.  “I thought you said you owned a pan?”

He looks over his shoulder at me and smirks.  “I own a pot, too.”

“What are we having?  It smells amazing.”

“Fennel soup,” he says.  “Ever had it?”

I shake my head no.  Garrett moves to open the oven door and check what’s baking there.  I feel like he’s doing too much.  “Can I help with anything?  I’m the one who invited you to lunch.”

He closes the oven door.  “It’s not a big deal.  Besides, I owe you for the couch and the television.”  He resumes stirring the soup.  “There are two bowls around here somewhere.  Can you find them?”

I nod and move inside the kitchen, opening the first cabinet I see.  It’s empty.  I try the next.  It’s empty as well.  I step around him to the next cabinet.  Ah ha.  There they are.  Two white bowls.  I grab them and set them to the right of the stove, because the left side appears to be covered in flour.

“We have a couple minutes left on the biscuits,” he says and turns the stove burner down to simmer.

“Biscuits?”

“From scratch.  Southern style.”

I’m majorly impressed.  My best dish is a grilled cheese and tomato sandwich.  “Do you cook like this often?”

He shrugs.  “I make all of my food.  I wasn’t able to cook where I was staying before.”

I lean against the counter.  “Where did you learn?”

“A little from my granny back home.  But most of it I picked up from the army.”  He gives me a wry smile.  “I was a field cook.”

“Army?  How old are you?”

He opens the oven door, bends down to check the biscuits again, and sighs.  “Older than you think.”

I look at him and determine that he couldn’t be any older than 25.  How long does it take for someone to serve their term and get discharged from the army?

“These look about done,” he says and opens the oven door completely.  He reaches for the hot cake pan without an oven mitt, grabbing it with his bare hand.

“Don’t!”

He looks at me confused as he pulls it from of the oven.  He sets it on the stove.  “Don’t what?”

I look at him incredulously and grab his hand.  It feels frozen as I turn it over.  He’s not burned at all.  “How did you not burn yourself?”

He snatches his hand out of my grasp.  “Ah…”  He avoids my eyes and picks up the spoon to start stirring the soup again.  He stares at the pot.  “I used to grab hot things all time while I was out in the field.  My nerves are shot.”

I frown at him.  He expects me to believe that?  I mean, it is believable, but it doesn’t explain how there is no mark on his skin.

He turns off the burner.  “Let’s eat.”  He picks up the pot by both handles and carefully pours the soup into each bowl, not spilling a drop.  If I had tried this, I would have been wearing the soup for sure.

“What is fennel?” I ask.

“It’s a vegetable.  It looks like a feathery plant above the ground, but we’re eating the bulb.”  He sets the pot back on the stove.

All right.  I’ll take his word for it.

He pulls a biscuit from of the pan.  “I usually crumble these over the top,” he says.  “Would you like yours separate?”

I pick up a soup bowl and hold it out to him.  “Crumble away.”

He mashes the biscuit over my bowl and then does the same to his.  “This way.”  He starts to walk out of the kitchen.  “You’ll have to sit on your old couch to eat.”

I follow him.  “That’s okay.  I’ve missed her.”

He looks back at me.  “Really?  With that Cadillac sitting in your front room?”

Front room?  He sounds like my grandmother.  I laugh.  “I was kidding.”

I make my way to sit down.  He must have hit up a garage sale in the last day or two, because a small table stands in front of the couch.  I take a seat, and Garrett sits on the floor.

“Oh.”  He stands back up.  “I guess we need spoons.”  He leaves the room and reappears moments later with two spoons.

Hunger takes over, and I taste the soup.  I was expecting a vegetable flavor, like potato, but it’s surprisingly sweet.  “This is really good,” I compliment him.

He nods.

I want him to feel comfortable around me, so he will open up about himself.  I already found out a couple tidbits in the short time I’ve been here: he served in the army, and he can touch hot things without being burned.  I’m starting to suspect he may be a military prototype, like Captain America.

Trying to appear casual, I lift my spoon and lick the back of it.  “I was researching reiki the other night.  It’s funny; nothing I could find came close to what you did the other day.”

He smiles.  “I knew there was a reason you asked me to lunch.”

“Well, you did blast a trauma-induced headache from my body.”

“Trauma-induced?”

Whoops.  I don’t want him to think I’m nuts.  I resume eating.

Minutes pass in silence, and Garrett finishes his soup first.  He sets the bowl on the table and looks at me expectantly.  “Well?”

“Well what?”

“Do you want to talk about your trauma?”

I give him a resigned look.  “Not really.  I want to talk about your reiki.”

He tilts his head and regards me for a moment.  “I’ll tell you if you tell me.”

I set my bowl on the table.  I’m dying to know what’s up with him, so I concede.  “I lost someone recently.  My boyfriend.  He…he died.”

This doesn’t seem to faze him.  “Life can be difficult when you lose someone you love,” he says.  “It really hit you hard the other day, didn’t it?”

My shoulders sag.  “Yes.”

“You know,” he says matter-of-factly and shifts his weight on the floor, “the connection between the human world and the spiritual world is very strong.  I’m sure your boyfriend watches over you today.”

He’s doesn’t know how right he is.  He sounds like some sort of medicine man.  “What are you?  Some sort of shaman?”

His eyes light up and he chuckles.  “I can’t believe you guessed that.  The answer is yes.  Kind of.”

“Kind of?”

“We’ll just say I’m a shaman.  It’s easier.”

I look at him suspiciously.  “You’re not going to tell me about the reiki, are you?”

“I just told you what I was,” he says.  “What more do you need to know?”

It turns out Garrett is very good at avoiding the topic of himself.  As the late afternoon turned into evening, he managed to turn every question I asked of him back on to me.  Eventually, he tried to distract me by teaching me to play poker.  I was asking him some questions about the army, and he went off on a tangent about what they used to do to pass the time in the field between missions.  I told him I was a horrible liar, so poker probably wouldn’t be the best game for me.  He insisted that learning it would improve my lying abilities and pulled a tattered deck of cards from his bedroom.  We snacked on the remaining biscuits for dinner and, by eight o’clock, I was still confusing a straight with a straight flush.  That’s when we decided to call it a night with the promise of future lessons.

After pulling on my pajamas, I plop down on my couch to think about today.  I still have a million unanswered questions.  When I sit, I land on my phone.  “Ow,” I say to LB, who has jumped up to be scratched.  I pull the phone from beneath my tush and see that I have missed text messages.  I tap the first alert.

How was lunch?  It’s from Shel.

Next message.  Are you still out?

Next message.  Text me when you’re done.  I’m curious.

There’s a shocker.

I reply to Shel.  Hey.  I’m home.

I absentmindedly pet LB as I wait for her to respond back.  I think about Garrett.  How can I find out how he became a shaman?  LB bumps my hand with her head, and I drop the phone.

“LB!”  I pick the phone up off the floor.

After a few minutes, when Shel doesn’t respond, I text her again.  Lunch was fun.  Garrett gave me a poker lesson.  I’m not very good.

My phone vibrates.  Poker?  You should stick to Crazy 8’s.

I smile.  Don’t I know it.

So who’s this Garrett?

Good question.  He’s my neighbor.  And a classmate.  And a mystery.

Oooo.  Sounds sexy.

I laugh.  He may be cute, but he’s not sexy.  Um, I don’t think so.

Take a picture and let me judge.

Sarcastically, I respond I’ll get right on that.

What?  You don’t think I can judge another man’s sexiness?

I roll my eyes.  I’m sure you can.

So why won’t you send me a picture?

Why does she want to see Garrett so bad?  Because he’s not hot.  And how would I explain taking his picture?

Tell him it’s for research.

I sigh.  I’m not taking his picture.

I think you’re hiding something.

What?  I am not!

Then why won’t you let me see him?

What is the point of this?  Because.

I’m just curious.  What color hair does he have?

Brown.

Eyes?

Turquoise.

You’re lying.

Am not.

He sounds dreamy.

This is ridiculous.  Are you high?  I’m telling Matt!

Why would Matt care if I’m high?

Lord, help me.  Garrett is a friend.  That’s all.

Be careful.  We all know what you do with your male friends.

Is she referring to Dane?  Rude much?

It was supposed to be funny.

It’s not.  It should never have happened.

I bet you think about it though.

I decide to confess.  I do.  It’s the truth.  I can confide in Shel.

How often do you think about it?

Why does she want to know this?  A lot.

Like every night?

No!  But a lot.

My phone goes silent for a minute.  What is up with her tonight?  I contemplate actually calling her.

My phone vibrates again.  So do you think I’m hot?

What in the world?  She’s acting all kinds of crazy.  I shake my head and decide to play along.  Yes.  Very.

Really?  I think you’re hot too.

Okay.  This has gone far enough.  Are you psychotic Shel?  I was kidding.  Why would I think you’re hot???

Shel?  This is Dane.

Oh my God.  Are you kidding me?

Nope.

I scroll back through our conversation and blood rushes to my face.  The screen must have jumped to a thread with Dane when LB knocked the phone on the floor!  Holy embarrassment!  I just confessed I think about us a lot.

Hello?

I panic.  I have to go.

Of course you do.  He knows I’m running away from the conversation.

I send him one last message.  I’ll talk to you later.  Good night.  I flop down on my side and close my eyes.

My phone vibrates in my hand, and I peek at it.

For what it’s worth, I think about it a lot too.

Chapter 5

I spend the next week alone, thinking about Dane, contemplating Garrett, and missing James.  On top of homework, I tried to get in touch with Shel a few times, but she started volunteering at a local hospital and her hours are all over the place.  When I’m asleep, she’s awake.  When I’m awake, she’s sleeping.  Her aspirations are much higher than mine.  She wants to be a doctor.

I did manage to talk to her once, briefly, after the Dane text debacle.  She thought it was hilarious and a step in the right direction.  Me, not so much.  I know she hopes that, one day, Dane and I will permanently make it past the friend’s stage.  It’s no secret how much she likes him.  I wish I could tell her about James being my Guardian and how difficult it is for me to know that he is tied to my every move; how he can see what I’m doing.  I still feel sick when I think about him watching my momentary indiscretion with Dane this past summer.  Regardless of his limitations in loving me, my heart suspects that is the real reason James has stayed away for so long.  I don’t doubt that he feels like I cheated on him.  I feel that way, too.  Lately, though, the logical side of my brain speaks up, and asks me if I plan to stop living all together.  I’ve got a good sixty years or so left, I hope.  That’s a long time to be alone, to get over my guilt, and spare James his feelings.  Would he really begrudge me any future relationship with Dane?  With anyone?

James once asked me if I could resign myself to a lifetime of solitude, to be known only as the crazy old cat lady.  At the time I thought I could, because he would be able to visit me.  Now, after spending these last few weeks virtually alone, a lifetime of solitude sounds about as appealing as swallowing nails.  How much am I willing to sacrifice to assuage my guilt?  James is my Guardian.  He can no longer love me no matter how much I love him.  I can no longer release him from his Guardianship when I die because I am his Ward.  Am I willing to sacrifice happiness in this lifetime and eternity as well?

I look at LB and sigh.  It looks like I may have my answer.  I’ve already started my crazy old cat lady collection of felines.  Maybe I should get a rocking chair and start learning to knit too.

“Thanks for your help.”

“No, thank you,” I say as I stand.  I watch Garrett pile his textbook on top of his notes.  “This class is going to kill me.”

He laughs.  “Well, Johnson is going to kill me.”

By the end of the second week of classes, it was apparent that I would need some outside Stats help.  I mentioned looking for a tutor, and Garrett told me that he had no problem with Stats at his previous school.  He was, on the other hand, having a hard time following Ms. Johnson’s train of thought in Ethics.  He received a C on his first essay while I received an A.  We agreed to trade tutorial services on Fridays, since neither of us have anything better to do.  Plus, I thought it would be a convenient opportunity to learn more about him.  Unfortunately, today’s session left little room for other topics.

Garrett heads toward my apartment door.  “Same time next week?”

“Absolutely.”

He opens the door to leave as I bend down to grab LB before she sprints outside.  “Have any plans this weekend?” he asks me.

I stand and shake my head.  “I’m not much of a socialite.”

He smiles.  “Me either.”  He walks outside.  “Have a nice weekend.”

“Thanks.  You too.”  I shut the door and lift LB up to look her in the eyes.  “It’s just us kid.  Whatever shall we do?”

I eye my scattered notes and textbook and decide to clean them up.  As I stack everything neatly, I see that Garrett left a few papers.  He’ll probably need those.  I pick them up and head toward the door and stop.  Wait!  There are a lot of things he needs…

I spend the afternoon shopping.  Working at Bay Woods this past summer built up my savings, and I’ve barely dented it since I’ve been away from home.  I pick up some essentials for Garrett: for the bathroom, a shower curtain and a set of towels.  For the kitchen, an oven mitt and a set of four plates with matching glassware.  I also manage to find a plain, navy blue comforter on clearance for half off and a bundle of plastic hangers for a dollar.  As I carry my purchases to my car, I find myself smiling.  Not only does it feel great to help out a friend, but I actually feel like I accomplished something worthwhile with my time.  Now, all I have to do is get him to accept my gifts.

As I drive home, I sing along with the radio.  It’s been a long time since I’ve felt this good.  I pull into the parking area for my building, grab the two large plastic bags out of my trunk, and hum my way to the front door.  When I get there, I stop at my mailbox and head inside.

“Oh no, you don’t,” I admonish LB when I open my apartment door.  I block her exit with one of the bags.  “Stop trying to sneak out!”  Ever since she managed to get into the hallway the other day, this has become one of her favorite games.  Every time the door opens she tries to escape.  I press my back against the door to shut it while blocking her with the bag and my feet.  “Do I have to ground you?” I ask her.  I set the bags against the wall and head to the kitchen, tossing the mail and my keys on the counter.

I open the fridge, find a bottle of water, and take a drink.  LB comes in and rubs herself against my leg, as if to apologize for her antics.  I crouch down to pet her.  “You’re forgiven you little stinker.”  She rubs herself against my hand and the bottle, and purrs while I scratch behind her ears.  “Do you want to come with me to give Garrett his gifts?” I ask her.  “Will that make you happy?”  She lets out a tiny meow, and I laugh.  “Are you talking back to me now?”  She doesn’t answer; she just stares at me with her big copper eyes.  I pick her up, kiss her, and set her back down again.

Standing, I decide to sort through my meager mail.  There’s a bill from the cable company and a postcard advertising discounted Laundromat services.  I frown as I pick up the third item.  It’s a plain white envelope with my name printed neatly on the outside.  There’s no return address.  I tear it open and pull out a folded newspaper article.  It’s from my hometown paper.

Local Student Returns from Abroad

Says Environmental Conservation Has Never Been More Important

Not many people will ever experience what Teagan Meyer has.  Teagan, a 2006 graduate of Lake Fenton High School, has returned home after spending nearly a year and a half overseas researching the Amazon Jungle.

Upon graduating from Wayne State University with a degree in Environmental Science, Ms. Meyer competed for a spot on a ten-man conservation team created to conduct research and evaluate the state of the world’s most famous rainforest.  Of being selected out of the more than 9,000 applicants, Ms. Meyer says the feeling was “indescribable” and “a dream come true.”

Sponsored by educational grant dollars and headed by the World Wildlife Federation, the conservation team migrated through the countries of Brazil, Peru, and Bolivia recording the impact of deforestation in the area.  “The rainforest and fresh water systems of the Amazon are incredibly fragile,” says Meyer.  “The countries that contain the Amazon are rapidly expanding.  Without properly planning the creation of roads and dams, not only are animal species threatened but the livelihood of farmers and fishermen.  That’s on top of the catastrophic effect that deforestation has on the global climate.”  Ms. Meyer hopes to bring her experience and knowledge to local groups and schools in the area, in order to affect change.  “Every generation needs to know how important the rainforest is on a global scale,” she says.  “We can all make a difference.”

While she says she wouldn’t trade her time in South America for the world, Ms. Meyer admits that she enjoys being back home and the amenities she left behind.  She tells us she plans to spend some down time with her family and fiancé before launching an awareness program based on her travels.  “It will be nice to finally get the wedding plans under way,” she says.  Teagan is the daughter of Luke and Susan Meyer, prominent community members and owners of Legionnaire, a local advertising company.  Teagan is engaged to Dane Walker, son of Charles and Lily Walker, owners of the Bay Woods Golf Course.

I must read the last sentence of the article five or six times before my shaking hands make it impossible to continue.  The clipping flutters from my fingers, and I melt to the kitchen floor, stunned.  My emotions betray me as the news of Dane’s engagement brings out feelings I’ve been trying so hard to repress.  We can never be more than friends.  Ever.  My brain screams, “But isn’t that what you wanted?”  The tears that trail down my face answer that question.

LB comes to find me, rubbing against my knee.  She knows I’m upset.  I pick her up and hold her to my chest in an attempt to keep my heart in one piece.  It’s doesn’t work.  I can still feel it break.

It doesn’t take long for my sadness to turn into anger.  Setting LB down, I wipe the tears from my cheeks.  I pick myself up and walk into the living room, toward the couch.  I rip off the blankets that I had protectively wrapped around it and throw them on the floor.  My eyes find LB.  “Have at it.”

I walk into the bathroom and stare at myself in the mirror.  My eyes are puffy, and my face is covered in red splotches.  I try to process what I’ve just learned thanks to – thanks to whom?  Who sent the article?  Obviously not Matt or Shel; they would have told me something this huge in person.  Was it Dane?  Is this his way of letting me know?  He couldn’t man up and tell me face to face, or at least over the phone?  What a coward!  Of all the low, selfish, and inconsiderate things to do!  I thought he cared about me.  At least he acted like he did.  Wasn’t he just flirting with me over text messages?

I turn on the faucet and watch the water run down the drain.  Not only is Dane engaged to the smart, probably beautiful, world-saving Teagan, the company he works for is owned by his fiancées parents!  Why did he even pretend to care about me if he was in love with someone else?  Here I am beating myself up over what happened between us when he had a living, breathing girlfriend all along.  We almost slept together!  Oh God.  I close my eyes.  Now I can add “other woman” to my list of faults.  My reputation grows closer to what Mrs. Davis, James’ mother, thinks of me.  She called me a whore once.  Maybe she was on to something.  Tears threaten again, and as I stare at myself in the mirror, I make a pact with my reflection.  I’m not going to bury myself in a grave of self-loathing over this.  I had no idea he was engaged.

After I splash some water on my face, I walk back out to the living room and see LB has curled up to sleep on the blankets instead of clawing the couch to pieces.  I eye Dane’s gifts and scowl.  I don’t want them anymore, but I know someone who might.  Walking over to the television, I quickly disconnect the cable wires and AV cords.  I attempt to pick up the TV and find that it’s light, but awkward to hold.  I set it back down and head to Garrett’s apartment, knocking loudly on his door.

“Yes?” he asks when he appears in the doorway.

“I need my old stuff back.”

He looks wounded.  “Oh.  Well…all right.”  He turns to look at my old loveseat and television, which is turned on.  “It’ll just take a second to disconnect…”

“I want you to take my new stuff,” I add hastily.  “In trade.”  I don’t want him to think I’ve suddenly turned into a raging witch.

His eyes widen in surprise.  “You don’t want the Cadillac?”

I cross my arms.  “Not anymore.”

He takes a minute to assess me and notices I’ve been crying.  “Are you okay?”

“Perfect,” I say a bit too harshly.  “Come on.”

He follows me to my place, and we walk over to the television.  “You take one end, and I’ll take the other.”

He grabs one side.  “Are you sure you don’t want this?”

I look him in the eye.  “Absolutely.”

We carry the flat screen over to his apartment and set it on the floor.  Garrett collects my old tube television and starts to carry it out the door, but stops.  “You’re sure?” he asks me again.

“Yes!”

I follow him back down the hallway and then reach around him to open my door.  We walk across the room again, and LB looks up at us annoyed.  We’re interrupting her nap.

Garrett works to reconnect the cables.  “So, what happened?”

I shake my head.  “I wouldn’t want to bore you with the details.”

“Try me.”

Just then we hear a knock.  I look at Garrett confused, and he shrugs.  I move to open the door and find Samantha and Todd, our neighbors from upstairs, standing in the hallway.

“Hi!” Samantha grins at me, all perky and blonde and made-up.

“Hey,” I try to smile at them.  I pray that my red splotches have disappeared by now.

“We haven’t seen you in awhile,” she says and looks past me.  She notices Garrett.  “Oh good, we can invite him too,” she tells Todd.

“What’s up?” I ask.

“We wanted to know if everyone wanted to hang out,” Todd says.  “We all live together, but we hardly know each other.  Jessica’s in.”  Jessica is our other neighbor upstairs.  “How about you guys?”

I look at the two of them.  I remember when I first moved in and met them.  I thought then that they appeared to be the typical sorority-fraternity type; you know, homecoming royalty, social butterflies.  It seems I was right.  I glance back at Garrett with my eyebrows raised, silently asking yes or no?

“I think that’s a great idea,” Garrett says enthusiastically, surprising me.  He walks over to us.  “What did you guys have in mind?”

“We’re heading to Wayside,” Samantha says.  She looks me up and down.  “Meet you there in, say, an hour?”

If she’s expecting me to get more dressed up than this, she’s sadly mistaken.  I eye what she’s wearing, and she’s all dolled up in a small-little-white-tank-top and skintight jeans.  I’ve been to Wayside on several occasions; it’s a big place with several bars, a large dance floor, and a huge game room.  I can blend in easily without needing to dress cute, especially on a Friday night.  I look at Garrett and shrug.

“We’ll meet you there,” he says with a smile.

“Great,” Todd says.  “We’ll hang around the entrance until you guys show up.”

“Bye!”  Samantha wiggles her fingers at us over her shoulder as they leave.

I close the door and look at Garrett.

“What?” he asks.

“I thought you weren’t a socialite?”

“Can you blame me for wanting to get out once and awhile?”

“No.”  Actually, I’d like to get out once in awhile.  I need to get out, especially after my recent discovery.  “Meet you at your place in fifteen?”

He smiles.  “Sure thing.”

Less than an hour later, Garrett and I arrive at Wayside.  I ended up changing clothes before we left after all, but my outfit is a far cry from Samantha’s painted on one.  I made sure the remnants of my tears were gone, threw on some lip gloss, pulled a comb through my hair, kissed LB, and out the door I went.

The bar is packed.  At first, we have a hard time locating Samantha and Todd.  We finally find them standing by the bar, not the entrance, with Jessica.  She waves excitedly at us, and I can’t help but notice how cute she looks, all five feet of her, with her brown hair meticulously curled.  I instantly feel a pang of regret for not taking a longer time with my appearance.  Both girls appear to be looking for a night out on the town.  I just wanted to leave my apartment.

“Hi guys!” Samantha greets us.  She turns toward the bar, grabs something, and turns back toward us.  She’s holding a shot glass in each hand.  “For you.”  She hands one to Garrett and then one to me.  I notice Jessica and Todd are already holding theirs.

“To new neighbors!” Todd says and raises his glass.

Ah.  Barbie and Ken like to party.  I should have guessed.

“To new neighbors!”  We clink our glasses and throw back the shots.  I try to keep my composure as the liquor burns its way down my throat.  What was that?  Samantha, Todd, and Jessica slam their glasses down on the bar.  I look at Garrett and make a face at my glass.

“Whiskey,” he answers my question.

Ouch.  My throat burns.  “Remind me not to do that again,” I whisper, and he laughs.

Jessica spies an empty table between the dance floor and the bar.  “I’m going to claim that before someone else does,” she says and heads over.

I follow her.  The table has a good view of the dance floor, and I sit on the end, so I can people watch without having to look over heads.  Garrett sits between Jessica and I; Samantha and Todd take seats across from us.

“So,” Todd says, simultaneously snapping his fingers at a passing waitress, “how’s everyone enjoying our humble abode?”

“My apartment is great,” Jessica pipes up from beside Garrett, “aside from the paper thin walls.”  She eyes Samantha and Todd pointedly.  “Really?  Three a.m.?  Every Saturday?”

I’m surprised by Jessica’s boldness.  She’s such a little thing.  I look at Todd and Samantha for their reaction, expecting them to be embarrassed.   Instead, it’s just the opposite.  They show no signs of remorse.

Todd smirks.  “I’ll buy you some ear plugs for Christmas.”

I look at Garrett, my eyebrows raised, and he looks at me with the same expression.  What is up with these two?  I’m immediately grateful I live on the bottom floor.

The waitress stops by our table.  “What’ll it be?”

Todd defers to me first.  “Nothing.  Wait, water, please,” I order.

Everyone but Garrett looks at me with a puzzled expression.  Todd moves on to Garrett, who orders a beer, Jessica gets a Fuzzy Navel, Samantha orders a Cosmopolitan, and Todd gets a Jack and Coke.

“You don’t drink?” Samantha asks me, like it’s a tragedy.

“Not very often,” I shrug.

She turns her attention to Garrett.  “I can’t help but notice your eyes,” she says in a flirty tone.  “Where do you get your color contacts?  I get mine online.”

I study her eyes.  Obviously they are not naturally blue.  My gaze falls to her chest.  I’m starting to doubt that’s real as well.

Garrett smiles.  “I don’t wear contacts.”

“Really?” Samantha looks impressed.  “You must have some amazing genes.  Does that color run in your family?”

Garrett shakes his head.  “Nope.  I’m the lucky one.”

“I bet your kids will have that color,” Jessica says, joining the conversation.  I notice the dreamy expression on her face as she looks at Garrett.  Does she have a thing for him?

Todd snaps his fingers loudly and points at me.  “That’s where I know you from!”

I look at him confused.  “I’m sorry?”

“I knew you looked familiar,” he says.  He looks at his girlfriend.  “Didn’t I tell you she looked familiar?”

Samantha nods empathically.

“Your James Davis’ girlfriend, aren’t you?  The guy who died winter semester.”

I’m shocked to hear James’ name.  I’ve never met Todd before I moved in a few weeks ago.  I slowly nod.

“I knew it!”  He slaps the table like he just won a bet.  “I was at that bonfire thing this summer for his birthday.”

“Did you know James?” I ask.  I can’t imagine James being friends with someone like Todd.  He’s too arrogant.

“Not personally.  I crashed the party with some buddies of mine that knew him.”

Well, we can add rude next to arrogant on Todd’s list of character traits.

“You crashed a party for someone who died that you didn’t even know?” Jessica asks skeptically.  “That’s kind of low, don’t you think?”

I shoot her a grateful look for saying aloud what I was thinking.  She gives me a smile.

“It was no biggie,” he shrugs.

Samantha leans forward, her fake-blue eyes wide.  “Is it true that he was trying to outrun the cops when he crashed?”

My face twists in irritation.  “No.  He fell asleep.”

“Well, I heard that he was either high or drunk or both.  He had to be to hit that tree as hard as he did.”

“That’s insane,” I say, agitated.  “Where did you hear that?”

She shrugs.  “Word gets around.  I also heard that he got in a big fight with his girlfriend…I mean, you, that night.”

My heart starts to pound, and I snap, “That’s none of your business.”

Samantha leans back and holds her hands up in front of her likely fake breasts.  “Whoa.  Okay.”

My mouth settles into a thin line.  I don’t want to make enemies of my neighbors, but these two are something else.

Noticing the tension, Garrett interrupts, trying to change the topic.  “So, what do you think about the football team this year?”

“Oh, hey!” Todd grabs the arm of someone walking by our table.  He seems unfazed by the fact that he’s just been called out as extremely rude, and his girlfriend and I almost came to blows.

“Hi Todd!” a female voice squeaks.  He stands up to give this person a hug.  She walks around him and hugs Samantha.  “Hey, you!”

When she faces the rest of us, I recognize her immediately.  My chest constricts, and my expression hardens.  It’s Rebecca.  The same girl who, at the birthday bonfire, accidently told me about the time she spent with James – my James – the night he died.  Now I understand who Todd crashed the party with.  This does not improve my opinion of him one bit.

“Who are your friends?” Rebecca asks slowly, focused on me.

“These are our neighbors,” Samantha says, oblivious to Rebecca’s change in demeanor.  “Jessica, Garrett, and Emma.”  She points at each of us.

Rebecca gives us all a tiny smile, but she’s still focused on me.  “Nice to meet you.”  Her hands wrap around the arms of a sweatshirt she has tied around her waist, and her action pulls my attention away from her face.  Judging by the way her fingers clutch the material, it can only be one thing.  James’ hoodie, the one he gave her the night he died.  Does she never take it off?  My eyes widen, and I inhale sharply.  Garrett notices, giving me a questioning look.

Our waitress appears with our drink order, distracting everyone.  Rebecca makes a hasty departure, saying goodbye to Samantha and Todd, as the glasses are passed around.  The waitress hands me my water, but I stop her by asking, “Could you bring me something stronger?”  This day has gone from bad to worse, and a little numbness sounds appealing.

“Sure.  What would you like?”

I consider her question for a second.  “A Long Island Iced Tea.”

The waitress nods.  “I’ll be right back.”

Todd overhears my order and nods approvingly.  “Now that’s what I’m talking about!”

I’ve never been this drunk in my life.  The daiquiris at Matt’s on the Fourth of July were nothing compared to this.  That was giggle drunk.  This feels a little more serious.

I downed my first Long Island quickly and, with the whiskey shot from earlier, I was pleasantly buzzed and having a much easier time of putting up with Todd and Samantha.  It also helped that they left the table to grope each other on the dance floor.  To my right, however, I did have to listen to Jessica coming on to Garrett for most of the night.  She wasn’t being overly obnoxious though.  She’s actually a very sweet girl.  I ordered another drink for something to do, and I was half way through it when things started to get fuzzy.  I’m such a lightweight.

“Everything okay?”  Garrett moves toward me as Jessica leaves to use the restroom.

“Umm hmm.”  I blink slowly.  “I think she likes you.”

He smiles at me.  “What’s not to like?”

I laugh hard enough to snort, which makes me laugh harder.

“It looks like I’m driving us home,” he says and finishes the last of his beer.  When the waitress comes back to ask if he wants another, he tells her no.

“So,” he says, “you don’t handle stress well.”

I pretend to be shocked and press my hand against my chest.  “Whatever do you mean?”

“Just the thought or the mention of James pushes you over the edge.”

“Pffftttt.”  I playfully push him away from me.  “What was your first clue?  My nervous breakdown or,” I pick up my glass, “my random drunkenness?”  I take a drink.

“Both.”

I wink at him.  “Well, I’ll tell you what.  If James could love me the way I love him I wouldn’t be in this state of which you behold me now.”

He smirks.  “That makes absolutely no sense.”

“It does!” I say adamantly.

Garrett reaches for my nearly empty glass and takes it away from me.  “I think you’ve had enough of this.”  He places it far out of my reach on the table.

I cross my arms and pout dramatically, which makes him laugh.

“Are you going to tell me what happened today?” he asks.

My face lights up.  “Yes!”  My voice is a bit too loud, and I reach for his arm.  Holding on to it with both hands, I shake it.  “I went shopping and I bought you all kinds of good stuff and I was singing.”

He looks at me, puzzled.  “You were singing about buying me stuff?”

“No silly!” I shake my head.  It feels wobbly on my neck and my vision blurs.  I reach out and grab his shoulder to anchor myself.  “It made me sing.”

Garrett pries my fingers from his shoulder with his frigid hand.  “You’re stronger than you look.”

I lean in to him conspiratorially.  “Not on the inside,” I whisper and then look around.  “Don’t tell anybody.  It’s a secret.”

He deposits my hand back into my lap.  My body feels like it’s swaying, like I’m on a boat in the water.  I set my elbow on the table and then rest my head against my hand.  “Why are you so cold all the time?” I ask.  “Are you sick?”

“No, I’m not sick.”  He looks me in the eyes.  “I’m healing.”

“From what?” I ask, overly serious.

“From a lifetime of servitude.”

I roll my eyes in an exaggerated way.  “Now who’s not mandating sense?”

“Still you,” he chuckles.

I turn and look at the dance floor.  I see Jessica talking with Samantha while Todd has his face practically buried in his girlfriend’s chest.  Gross.  “Do you think they’re happy?” I ask Garrett.

“Who?”

I gesture toward the dance floor.  “The Samanthas and Todds of this world.”

He looks past me and grimaces.  “I think they’re made for each other, that’s for sure.”

I sigh and rest my head on my hand again.  “Do you think you can fall in love with more than one person at the same time?”

Garrett looks surprised.  “I don’t know.  I’ve never done it.”

My eyes grow wide, and I sit up straight.  “Me either!” I say emphatically.  “I’m still in love with James!  You believe that, don’t you?”

He eyes me, puzzled.  “Sure.  Whatever you say.”

“But Dane, he’s engaged.  Engaged!”  I grab Garrett’s arm again and whisper, “Do know what that means?”

“It means he’s getting married?”

“Yes!  To some woman named Teagan,” I twist her name in my mouth.

“I take it you don’t want him to get married?”

I let go of his arm and move to rest my head against the table.  I try to put it down gently, but it makes a thud and pain shoots across my forehead.  “No, I don’t!” I whine.  “And ow!”

“Do you love Dane too?” Garrett asks me.

I stare at the table.  “Yes.  No.  I don’t know.”

“It would be okay to fall in love with someone else,” he says softly.

“No, it wouldn’t!”  I pull my head off the table too fast and when I look at Garrett he has three faces.  “James is my Guardian!  He can see me!”

Garrett looks around quickly, as if making sure no one else heard my outburst.  “We need to get you home,” he suddenly decides and grabs my elbow to help me stand.  “Where are your keys?”

I pull my keys out of my pocket and hand them to him.  The room starts to spin and my stomach begins to twist.  “Should we tell the others we’re going?” I ask, holding on to the chair for support.

Garrett looks over my head.  “I don’t think we’ll be missed.”

We head to the parking lot, and I concentrate on trying not to stumble.  Now that I’m standing and moving, I realize I’m more drunk than I thought.  My world is spinning; I want to get home as fast as possible.  I walk as quickly as I dare in the direction of my car, not paying attention to my surroundings.  A blaring horn and blinding headlights stop me dead in my tracks.

Garrett grabs me by my shoulders and yanks me out of the way as a car passes inches from us.  “Emma!  God!  You were almost hit!”

I look at him stupidly as I try to regain my balance.  “Sorry,” I mutter.

Garrett helps me to my car and places me inside.  I close my eyes and rest my head against the passenger side window the entire way home.  Thankfully it’s a short distance because my stomach is very unhappy.

When we get to the apartments, Garrett escorts me to my place.  He helps me inside and starts to deposit me on the couch.  The downward motion makes my insides churn.

“No!” I choke out.  “Bathroom!”

He helps me to the bathroom where I dive to my knees in front of the toilet.  I’m too sick to be embarrassed as he holds my hair while I retch.  When my stomach stops convulsing, I lean over and rest my head against the cool porcelain of the bathtub.

“I’ll get you a glass of water,” he says and leaves the room.

The longer I lie there with my eyes closed, the more the room feels like it’s standing still again.  What a horrible day this has been.  First Dane, then Rebecca.  I almost get run over, and then I get sick in front of Garrett.  I think about crawling into my bedroom on my hands and knees, so I can hide under the blankets on my bed.

That’s when I hear the voices.  It takes me a minute to focus, but I swear I can hear two people talking.  I open my eyes and tentatively sit forward.  I push myself to stand using the toilet for balance, and hear someone angrily say, “Where have you been?”  I make it to the bathroom doorway and peer around the corner.

“Where have I been?  Where were you tonight?  She managed to get herself stupid drunk and was almost hit by a car!”

“I’ve been trying to do what you told me to,” James seethes.

“I didn’t tell you to get her killed!” Garrett fires back.

I blink my eyes.  James is in my living room.

And he’s arguing with my neighbor.

Chapter 6

James takes a step forward.  “I felt the pull,” he snaps.

“And you just ignored it?” Garrett asks, shocked.

“No!  It disappeared as quickly as it came!”  He moves toward Garrett with his fists clenched.  “Can you explain that to me?  Can you explain why that keeps happening?”  The two of them are nose to nose as James sneers, “Can you explain why nothing works the way you said it would?”

Garrett doesn’t flinch under James’ icy stare.  He crosses his arms.  “I thought I’d trained you better than this.”

“Better than what?” James steps away, frustrated.  “From what I’ve been told, you barely trained me at all!”

“Who have you been talking to?” Garrett asks, narrowing his eyes.

James gives him a cold smile.  “Wouldn’t you like to know.”

I’m mesmerized, clinging to the bathroom door jamb for support.  My neighbor Garrett was James’ Guardian all along.  All along.

Garrett nods at James approvingly.  “Your confidence has grown.”

“Don’t try to flatter me,” James spits.  “I’m not under your guidance anymore.  I don’t need your approval.  Not after what you’ve done.”

Garrett tilts his head.  “And just what have I done?”

James’ eyes flash.  “You disappeared.  You assigned me and then you disappeared.”

“You were ready.”

“You know I wasn’t!” James growls.  “You left Emma’s fate in the hands of a Guardian who can’t protect her!”  He face hovers inches from Garrett’s.  “And for that I will never forgive you.”

Seconds pass and Garrett stares at James accusingly.  “You still love her.”

James sets his jaw.  “I never stopped.”

My breath catches.  These months apart have been for nothing?

“You have to get your feelings under control,” Garrett says.

“You think I don’t know that?” James asks.  “That lesson I did learn.”

LB appears at my feet, meowing softly, as if asking what’s going on.  I bend down carefully to pick her up before her mewling distracts them, but when I stand, I’m too late.  Both James and Garrett have directed their attention toward me.

“Hi,” I say quietly.  I feel embarrassed for eavesdropping.  I make eye contact with James, and his face instantly softens, his eyes flooding with relief.

Garrett glances between the two of us and sighs.  He walks out of the living room and into the kitchen as I decide to leave the bathroom doorway.  I hear the clink of glass and the sink faucet turn on as I walk toward James.  I stop a few steps away from him, clutching LB.  My pulse accelerates at the sight of him, his sandy brown hair falling haphazardly over his forehead, his clear blue eyes swimming in mine.  His skin still carries a slight pallor, and he’s wearing the same jeans and polo shirt that he always does.  Despite looking the same, he also looks different.  He appears more solid to me, and I can’t help but notice that his shirt fits him more tightly across his chest.

“Who’s this?” James asks softly, his eyes flicking to LB and then back to me.

“You don’t know?” I ask, confused.

He looks hurt and shakes his head.  “I’ve stayed away.”

Garrett returns to the living room, pulling my attention away from James.  I turn toward him, and he holds out the glass of water he promised me.  Allowing LB to jump from my arms, I reach for it, giving him a small smile of thanks.

Just as I wrap my fingers around the glass, it’s knocked forcefully from my hand.  I jump back in surprise as water flies everywhere, and the glass bounces off the carpet.  I look at James, shocked by what he’s done, and he wears a murderous expression.  He lunges at Garrett, grabs his shirt in his fists, and drags him across the room, slamming his back against the wall next to my television.  The sound makes me cringe.

“Why can she see you?  How does she know you?” James demands through clenched teeth.

I’ve never seen James act so violent.  It scares me.  I take a step back, my heart pounding.  The only other time I’ve seen him fight was with Patrick, and even then he didn’t initiate it.  His reaction was in self-defense.

Instead of looking scared, Garrett looks impressed.  “I see your skills have improved as well.”

“Talk!” James shouts.

“We’re neighbors,” Garrett says calmly.  He looks unaffected by the body slam; his arms hang loosely by his sides.

“What are you trying to pull?” James growls.

“Nothing.”

He pulls Garrett off the wall and then slams him back against it, making me flinch.

“Calm down.”  Garrett looks like a parent trying to wait out a two-year-old’s temper tantrum.

James stares my neighbor in the eyes and then releases him, pushing off his chest roughly.  He turns to me.  “How do you know him?”

“He moved in when I did,” I whisper.

He turns back to Garrett.  “This is where you’ve vanished to?  To college?  To her?”

Garrett steps away from the wall.  “I came here to keep tabs on you.”

“Why?” James demands.  “Why not stay in the Intermediate?”

“I had to leave,” Garrett says, taking a step toward James.  “Because of that I had to be near Emma.  I knew if she was doing well, then you would be fulfilling your duty.”

“And if she wasn’t?” James snaps.

“Then I could step in if necessary.”

I remember my lack of self-preservation in the parking lot as we left the bar.  “Like tonight,” I say, without thinking.

They both turn to me, reminded that I’m still in the room.  Pain is written all over James’ face.  He should have been the one to help guide my actions tonight, not Garrett.

“This is why,” Garrett says.  “This is why you have to get your emotions under control.  You’re too angry; you’re trying too hard to let her go.  You’ve all but abandoned her in your effort to stop loving her.”  He crosses his arms.  “You’ve stayed away when you need to be present.”

“You knew this would be difficult for me,” James says, gritting his teeth.  “I’m dealing with it the best way I know how.”  He turns to face his mentor.  “With no help from you.”

Garrett gives James a stern look.  “I trained you to the best of my ability.  I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you I had to leave.  If you had been fulfilling your duty to Emma, you would have known where to find me.”

James’ eyes flash at the accusation of his poor guidance, and he clenches his hands into fists.  “And now that I’ve found you?  Now what?”

His expression and his reaction frighten me, and I envision him punching Garrett…or worse.  I take another step back and Garrett notices.

“We’ll have to work together,” Garrett says, his eyes leaving me and focusing on James.  “To protect us both.”  He pauses, giving James a hard stare, then sidesteps him and heads for the door.

“Where are you going?” James asks in disbelief.  “Don’t walk away from me!  What do you mean to protect us both?”

Garrett ignores him and continues toward the door.  James lunges at him again, making me jump.  He grabs the back of his shirt and forces him to turn around.  I retreat further into the living room, away from them, as anxiety continues to creep up my spine.

Garrett looks at James and utters one word.  “Concentrate.”

It takes a moment, but the angry expression on James’ face slowly changes into one of deep concern.  His eyes flash to mine, and he releases Garrett.  “I’m sorry,” he apologizes to me.

I look between the two of them.  “For what?”

“I’ll let him explain it you,” Garrett says.  He moves to open the door and steps outside.  His eyes lock on James.  “I’ll talk to you after you’ve calmed down.”  He gives me a sympathetic look and closes the door behind him.

James and I stand in silence as my heartbeat returns to its normal rhythm.  His entire body relaxes, and he no longer appears upset or angry.  He looks like my James.  The one I love.

“I’m sorry I scared you,” he says, his voice full of regret.

“It’s okay.”

He shakes his head.  “It’s not.”

Despite all that’s happened, my heart aches.  The only thing I want to do is wrap myself around him.  To tell him I love him and how much I’ve missed him.  To keep him from leaving.  “Can you stay?”

He’s inches from me in two strides.  “There’s no place I’d rather be.”

The changes in James are amazing.  Before he left, he was just starting to move light objects, like my hair.  But when he lies down beside me tonight and wraps his arms around my waist, he physically pulls me back against his chest.  I had assumed he was able to manipulate Garrett during their argument because they were both Guardians, but he can now move me.  He stills feels cold, but his arms are somehow heavier.  I try to lace my fingers through his without concentrating and end up with my hand in a fist.  Although I still move through his body, the air that is him feels thicker, like I’m moving through water.  There is no resistance to his form, yet I can feel more than just his temperature.  I relax into him, glancing down in order to lace my fingers through his again, cupping my hand around the new feeling that is his skin.

“What are you thinking?” he murmurs against my hair.

“That I may have died and gone to heaven.”

I can feel him tense up behind me, which is new as well.  “That’s not funny.”

I look at him over my shoulder.  “It wasn’t meant to be.”

He regards me seriously for a moment then his face relaxes a bit.  I release his hands and shift myself to wrap my arms around his waist.  “You don’t know how much I’ve missed you.”

He holds me tighter.

“What made you visit?” I ask.

“I sensed danger around you,” he says.  “Then it instantly disappeared.  I needed to see that you were safe.”

“I’m glad you came.”

He leans his cheek against the top of my head.  “Garrett’s right.  I’ve been doing a terrible job.”

“You haven’t,” I raise my face to look at him.  “I’m still in one piece.”

James stares at me and confesses.  “I can feel you.  I know things have been hard.  Every time you feel a strong emotion, I feel the pull.”

I frown.  I’ve been upset a lot lately, but I’ve been happy too.  Like on my birthday and this past afternoon.

“I don’t need to manifest in order to guide you.  But I am supposed to look in on you and see what’s needed.  I haven’t even been doing that,” he sighs.

“Why?” I search his face.  “When I told you to stay away, I meant physically.”

He presses his forehead to mine.  “I’m trying to get over you.  I told myself I would only check in or intervene if you were in danger.  I thought it was the best way.”

“And how’s that working out?” I ask wryly.

He raises his head and gives me a crooked smile.  “I think you know the answer to that.”

My heart melts upon seeing that smile, and I have the overwhelming urge to kiss him.  He can tell, and his smile fades into seriousness again.  “It probably wouldn’t be a good idea.”

I lean forward.  “Does it really matter?”

“Yes,” he says, but the word sounds stuck in his throat.

The emotions surrounding his return overcome me, and I don’t care about any Guardian rules.  The electricity running through me is tangible.  He’s here.  He’s really here.  I press myself closer, my lips centimeters from his.  “Are you going to stop me?” I whisper.

“No.”

I practically attack him.  His arms tighten around me as we kiss; his lips just as eager as mine.  Kissing him is easier with his new form; I don’t have to concentrate nearly as much.  I feel his hold shift as he grasps my waist with one hand and runs the other up into my hair.  I wrap my fingers around what I think is his neck, to pull him closer to me.  I open my eyes for a brief second to see that I’ve managed to grab his shoulder instead.  After a few breathless minutes, his mouth leaves mine, and I silently pray that it will reappear somewhere else on my skin.  It doesn’t.

I open my eyes.  “What’s wrong?”

“This isn’t helping.”

“So?”

“Emma,” he groans and releases me, rolling on to his back.

“What?” I lean over him.

“Nothing has changed.”  He looks at me.  “The rules haven’t changed.”

“I can’t help it,” I confess.  “I love you.”

He looks at me, defeated, and a soft expression takes over his features.  “And I still love you.”

I move to kiss him again, but he stops me by gently pressing his hand against my shoulder.  “We shouldn’t.”

I know what he says is true, but it hurts to hear.  In all the time we’ve been together, he has never stopped me from kissing him.  My bruised ego speaks for me.  “Why?  If Garrett is here with us now, who’s going to tell?”

He stares at me for a moment, his bright blue eyes clouding over to a stormy gray.  He releases my shoulder, shifts his gaze, and trails his fingers lightly down my arm.  My pulse accelerates.

“That’s not helping,” I say quietly.

His stormy eyes refocus on mine.  He reaches around my neck with his free hand, pulls me toward him, and kisses me softly.  His lips leave mine to find the corner of my mouth, my jaw, my throat, and then my collarbone.  He moves forward to wrap a cold hand around my arm as he presses me on to my back, leaving a trail of gentle, urgent kisses along the opposite side of my neck.  His hand brushes down my side and wraps around my waist as our lips meet again.  He presses the length of his body against mine, and my insides nearly combust.  I’ve missed him so much.

Suddenly, he disappears.  “Damn it!” I hear him curse.

I look over to see him lying beside me, the heels of his palms pressed against his brow.  “Even if Garrett didn’t say anything,” he says, “sooner or later The Allegiant would find out.”

“The Allegiant?” I ask, trying to breathe normally.

He sets his hands on his stomach and stares at the ceiling.  “They watch over the Guardians.  They maintain order and balance.  They make sure we’re fulfilling our duty.”  He turns to me.  “They will find out.”

I turn on my side to face him.  “Maybe we could talk to Garrett and see how much time we have.”  I know I’m grasping at straws, but I want to keep him and what we have as long as I can.

He gives me a skeptical stare.  “Aren’t you freaked out yet?”

“About what?”

“Garrett is my mentor.  A Guardian.  You’re okay with that?”

“I didn’t realize he was a Guardian.  I thought he was human.”

“What made you think he was human?”

I sit up.  “Why would your Garrett be my neighbor?  He has Ethics with me; he tutors me in Stats.  He cooks.  He eats and sleeps.  He wanted my old couch.”

James looks more confused now than ever.  “How much time have you spent with him?”

“Quite a bit,” I admit.  “He’s my only friend here.”

James sits up to face me.  “Emma,” he says seriously, “Guardians don’t eat or sleep.”

“I know that.”

“You’re sure you saw him do those things?”

“Well, I haven’t seen him sleep, but he has a bed.  A mattress.  And he made us lunch and ate it right in front of me.  He had a few beers at the bar tonight, too.”

James looks frustrated as he contemplates what I’ve said.  It makes me worry.  I shouldn’t have brought up Garrett.  His mood makes me want to march next door immediately and demand answers.  Come to think of it, I should be pretty pissed at Garrett for assigning me to James, then disappearing on him and lying to me.

Just then, LB jumps up on the bed deciding to grace us with her presence.  “Where have you been?” I ask her as she steps on my leg.  I grab her and present her to James.  “This is LB.  Little Booger,” I clarify.  “LB, James.”

James finally relaxes and smiles, reaching out to pet LB.  “Where’d you find her?” he asks.

“She was a birthday present from Matt and Shel.  They figured I was lonely.”

James’ smile vanishes and his face twists.  “I’m so sorry,” he says.

“What for?”

“For missing your birthday.  For leaving you.  For screwing everything up.”

I set LB down and reach for his hand.  “It’s not your fault.”

“Everything is my fault.”

I shake my head and scoot closer to him.  “Don’t be sorry.  Or sad.  Or angry.  I hate to see you like that.  You scared me tonight.”

“I’ve been mad at myself.  And Garrett.  Finding him here was a shock and I…I just lost it.”

I pull him to lie down next to me, to snuggle in for the night, and LB makes her way in between us, curling into a ball.  “I’m glad you’ve calmed down, and I’m glad you’re here.”

“So am I.”

“Promise me you won’t leave.”

James kisses my forehead.  “Like I said, there’s no place I’d rather be.”

“I love you.”

“Until the end of forever.”

I smile.  “I hope The Allegiant aren’t paying attention.”

He tucks a piece of hair behind my ear.  “We’d know by now if they were.”

I raise my eyebrows.  “So, can we, you know…”

James pretends to look shocked.  “What’s gotten into you?  In front of LB?”

“I think she’s asleep.”

He smiles, but gives me a resigned sigh.  “As much as I want to, I think it would be best if we didn’t.”

I grimace.  “Fine.  When did you turn into such a rule follower?”

“Since I’ve been threatened with Erasure.  The idea of having my memory erased doesn’t appeal to me.”

Yeah, that sounds just as horrible as it did the first time I’d heard about it.

“You need to get some sleep,” he tells me.

“That’s not going to be easy.”

“Do you want me to sing you a lullaby?”

“Please no!” I laugh.  James’ singing voice is terrible.

“Twinkle, twinkle, little star…” he warbles.

“Stop!”

“How I wonder what you are.  Up above the world so high…”

“Arrggh!”  I plug my ears.

“Like a diamond in the sky…”

Even LB looks up annoyed.

“Twinkle, twinkle, little star…”

“I’m sleeping!”  I smash my eyes together.  “See!”

He laughs then kisses my nose like a parent would.  “That’s better.”

He holds me tighter and eventually I drift off, content in his arms, where I never thought I would be again.

Chapter 7

I awake to the delicious smell of cinnamon, and my stomach growls.  I roll over, reaching beside me in the process, and find myself alone.  Frowning, I open my eyes and look around the room.  The sun is shining around the blinds on my window, and the clock reads 10:58.  Apparently, all the activities from last night wore me out.  Rubbing the sleep from my eyes, I swing my legs to the side and leave my bed.  I find James in the kitchen, standing over the toaster, with LB sitting at his feet.

“Good morning,” he says.  He catches the time on the oven and smiles.  “I mean, good afternoon.”

“You’re making toast?” I ask.

The bread pops up.  “I’m making breakfast.”  He removes the slices from the toaster and grabs a knife.  He opens the butter dish.  “Cinnamon raisin okay with you?”

“Well,” I move to lean against the counter beside him, “since I bought the bread, I would say it’s perfect.  What brought this on?”

“You said Garrett cooks.”  He runs the knife over the toast.  “I thought I’d give it a try.”

I laugh.  “I don’t know if toasting bread counts as cooking.”

James looks at me and raises an eyebrow.  “Do you want the toast or not?”

My stomach growls loudly, reminding me that everything that was inside of it ended up in the toilet last night.  “Yes, of course I want it.”  I stand on my toes and kiss his cheek.  “Thank you.”

He hands me the plate and moves to the refrigerator.  He opens the door and pulls out a carton of orange juice.  I watch him, mesmerized, as he grabs a glass from the cabinet and fills it.  “For you.”  He holds it out to me.

I take it from him tentatively.  He puts the carton back and shuts the fridge door.  I haven’t moved.

“What?” he asks.

I blink.  “It’s like…it’s almost like you’re not a Guardian.”

A sad expression flashes across his face, then the corner of his mouth quirks up.  “Maybe with some culinary practice I could be your butler.”

“Ooooh, I like that,” I smile.  “It would be nice to come home to a clean apartment and a hot meal every day.”

He laughs and reaches around me to collect the bread and the butter dish, putting things back where they belong.  I step out of his way, carrying my breakfast into the living room and setting it on the coffee table.  I sit down and pull off a piece of toast.  “So, what’s on the agenda for today?” I call into the kitchen and pop the bread into my mouth.

A moment later he appears in the doorway.  “Are congratulations in order?” he asks, holding the newspaper article and the envelope I received in the mail.

The bread suddenly feels dry in my mouth, and I choke it down.  “Apparently so.”  I turn my attention to the orange juice.  I forgot I left the article about Teagan on the counter.

“When did this happen?” he asks.

I swallow my drink and nod toward his hands.  “It sounds like a year and a half ago.  I don’t know.”

James frowns.  “You don’t know?”

I pull off another piece of toast and try to look unaffected.  “I just found out about the happy couple yesterday.”

“From the mail?”

“Yep.”

James looks irritated and starts to walk toward me.  “How are you?”

“I’m fine.”

He reaches me and sits down on the couch I now hate.  “Don’t lie to me.”

I don’t want to talk about Dane with James.  I’m nervous about how much he knows.  Before he left, he knew we were friends and suspected Dane wanted more.  I was adamant that he didn’t.  I was wrong.

“I’m not lying.”  I shove a piece of toast in my mouth.  “I’m really fine.”

He gives me an exasperated look.  “You forget I can feel your emotions, and you’re still a terrible liar.”  He stares at me intently.  “Yesterday was a very hard day for you.”

I look down, embarrassed.  If he felt my emotions yesterday, what did he feel when I was with Dane before I left for school?  I try to eliminate him from our conversation.  “I also ran into Rebecca at Wayside last night.”  James is familiar with the bar; we used to go there often.

He crumples the article and the envelope in his hand, his jaw tensing.  “I’m sorry she upset you.”

I shrug and go back to picking at my toast.  James stands and begins to pace.  He stops.  “He really didn’t tell you he was engaged?” he asks in disbelief.  “After all the time you two spent together?”

I look at him annoyed.  “No, he didn’t.  Can we drop this?”

“No.”  I can tell he’s getting worked up.  “I know you care about him.”

I freeze, alarmed by what he just said.  He knows I care about Dane?  “H–how do you know that?”  Do I even want the answer?

My reaction causes him to pause.  He tilts his head.  “You’re nervous.  Did something happen?”

This is it, I think and start to sweat.  My mind flashes back to when I found out about Rebecca, when I learned about her and James.  I remember how hurt I was that it had happened, but even more so that he had kept it from me.  I can’t be like that; I have to be honest.  My face searches his, and I know I look guilty.  I open my mouth to confess.

“Don’t,” he cuts me off before I can utter a word.  He closes his eyes and clenches his hands into fists, as if trying to keep his emotions in check.

I imagine the conclusion he’s jumped to.  “It’s not what you think,” I say hurriedly, as I stand and walk toward him.  But it kind of is, my subconscious pipes up.

He opens his eyes.  “I don’t want to know,” he says, even though his jaw is still tense.  “It shouldn’t matter to me anymore.”

I look at him, pleading.  “But I want to tell…”

“Emma, stop.”  He stares at me, his eyes intense.  “I don’t care about the details.”

I know he’s lying.

“What matters is that he hurt you and that is unacceptable.”  He starts to pace again.

I’m at a loss for words.  I want to make him feel better.  I want him to know that whatever was between Dane and me was brief and obviously over.

James walks past me.  “I could kill him,” he mutters under his breath.

I’m worried that angry James is going to make a return appearance, and I try to diffuse the situation.  “It’s not that serious.”

He stops pacing and looks at me.  “Everything that involves you is serious.  It’s my duty.”

I realize his reaction has more to do with jealousy than his duty.  “It’s really okay,” I protest, even though I’d like to say a few choice words to Dane myself.

“No one should ever hurt you,” he says defiantly.  “You don’t deserve it.”

I walk toward him.  “Let’s not talk about this anymore.  I want to forget about everything involving Dane.”

“You deserve an explanation,” he says.  “You can’t let him get away with this.  Stand up for yourself.”

I give him an exasperated look.

“I mean it.  If you don’t do something about it, I will.”

“Like what?” I try to make light of the situation.  “Haunt him?”

“Amongst other things.”

I don’t think I want to know what the others things might be; I want to drop the subject.  “I’m done talking about this.”  I walk backward to the couch, sit down, and pick up my breakfast again.  “Where were we?  Oh yes,” I pause.  “What are we doing today?”

He looks at me pointedly.  “Don’t let him get away with it.”

I roll my eyes.  “I know.  I got it.”

“Do you really?”

“Yes!”

He eyes me warily.  “You know I’ll know.”

“Yes Dad, I know you’ll know.”  Why won’t he let this go?  “So, about today?”

He sighs and studies my face.  I chew on my now-hardened cinnamon raisin toast.  He finally relaxes a bit.  “I think we should pay a visit to your neighbor.”

“I agree,” I say and finish up my orange juice.  “Just let me shower and we can leave.”

About twenty minutes later I emerge from the shower, wrapped in a towel, to find James playing with LB on my bed.  I stand in the doorway for a few seconds, taking in the sight of them playing together.  He drags a piece of yarn back and forth for her to catch.  The scene makes me sentimental.  It looks so normal, and I get caught up in it.  This is exactly how things should have been for us, would have been for us, if it wasn’t for that horrible night.  Tears unexpectedly jump behind my eyes.  What I wouldn’t give to go back in time and change our future.

James turns to me in a flash.  “What’s wrong?”

I blink quickly, trying to hide my tears.  I walk into the room and past him.  “Nothing.”  I open a dresser drawer and search for something to wear.

He’s behind me in an instant, setting his hands on my shoulders.  “Tell me,” he says softly.

I continue to search through my shirts and a tear escapes.  “You and LB…it just hit me, that’s all.”

He stands behind me, patiently waiting for me to elaborate.  I select a shirt and move to the next drawer.  I pull out a pair of jeans and then move on to find some underwear.  I try to brush the tear away indiscreetly with the back of my hand, but its hard holding on to my clothes and the towel, and I miss.  He turns me around by my shoulders, looks into my eyes, and runs his thumb across my cheek.  His sweet gesture makes my eyes well up even more.

“Tell me,” he says again, concerned.

I hesitate.  I don’t want to bring up unpleasant things.  “I got caught up in the moment, watching you with LB.  It reminded me of our plans before…how you should be here…”

Without a word, he pulls me against his chest, wrapping his arms around me.  He tucks my head beneath his chin and remains quiet while tears fall silently down my face.  What can he say?  There are no words that can change our reality.  I need to pull it together.  That he is here at all is a miracle, and I don’t want to make it seem like it’s not enough.  I stand up straight and step out of his arms.  “I’m good,” I say, wiping my face.  I drop my clothes in the process.

“You’re not.”  He bends down to collect my things and then stands.  “My being here is too hard for you.”

“You’re wrong,” I say adamantly.

“I should go.  It would be easier for the both of us.”

I look at him, crushed.  “You want to leave?”

“Of course not.”

“Then don’t.”  I take my clothes from his hands and turn to place them on top of the dresser.  I let the towel fall to my feet, and pull on my underwear.  I put on my jeans next, and then reach for my shirt.

“That’s not helping,” James says quietly from behind me.

I freeze.  I wasn’t thinking; I’m so used to being alone.  I glance over my shoulder, and he’s no longer there.  “I told you not to leave!” I say loudly as I throw the rest of my clothes on.

“I didn’t!” I hear him yell from the living room.

I walk into the bathroom to grab my hairbrush and then go to find him.  James is sitting on the couch, playing with the remote.  “This TV sucks,” he says, punching buttons.

“Okay, Matt,” I say and sit cross-legged beside him, pulling the brush through my hair.

He gives me a funny look.

“Matt told me the same thing when he was here,” I clarify.

James nods.  “You should really think about getting a new one, especially if I’m going to be hanging around more.”

I laugh sarcastically.  Would Garrett consider another trade?

“What?”

I shake my head.  “It’s nothing.”  I comb the tangles out of my hair, and remove a tie from the handle of the brush.  “Ready to go?”

“Yeah,” he sighs and turns off the television.  We stand and head to the door.  On our way, he stops abruptly in front of me, and I walk right through his body.

“What…?”

Suddenly, he grabs my upper arms and pulls me to him, his mouth coming down hard on mine.  His kiss is demanding and just when I begin to relax in his hold, he stops.  I look at him, bewildered.

“You need to keep your clothes on,” is all he says.  He releases my arms and walks around me to open the door.  He ushers me outside before LB can run out.

“It’s my apartment, you know.”  I try to be annoyed, but inside I’m beaming.  I still have the same effect on him that he has on me.

He shoots me an agitated stare and says nothing.

I lead him to Garrett’s door and tentatively knock.  As we wait in the hall, I mull things over.  Their situation really has nothing to do with me.  “Should I be here?” I ask.

James steps forward and knocks harder.  “Yes.  Garrett involved you.  You deserve to know what’s going on as much as I do.”

I have to admit I am curious.  We wait, and James knocks again.  When the door remains unanswered, he says, “Wait here.”

“Where are you going?”

“We tried the polite way, now it’s time to be rude.”  He steps forward and disappears through Garrett’s door.

I’m left alone in the hallway, staring stupidly at where James just stood.  I don’t think I’ll ever get used to what he can do.

Minutes later, he reappears.  “He’s not home.”

I roll my eyes.  “I could have told you that.”  We head back to my place.  “So, did you learn anything from your B & E?”

He laughs.  “There was no B.  Only E.”

“Very funny.  I’m serious.”

James walks through my apartment door and opens it for me from the inside.

“Show off.”

He smirks.  “No, I didn’t learn much.  Except…” He looks across the room longingly.

I close the door behind me.  “Except what?”

“He has an amazing TV.”

James and I spend the rest of the day wrapped around each other on the couch.  I get caught up in a Pretty Woman movie marathon, and James periodically disappears to see if Garrett has returned.  I tried to talk him into making me lunch in order to improve his cooking skills, but that was a no go.  As evening fell, I tried to coerce him into making me dinner as well.

“Actually, I should get back,” he sighs and untangles himself from me.  I try to hold on but grab only air.

“You’re leaving?” I ask, worriedly.

“I need to be seen.  I don’t want to raise any suspicion.”  He stands over me as I sit up.

“What about Garrett?”

He frowns.  “If you see him, tell him I’m looking for him.”

“When will you be back?”

He leans over me and kisses my forehead.  “Soon.”

I wrap my hand around his neck to keep his eyes level with mine.  “You promise?”

He flashes that familiar James smile that makes my heart beat faster.  “I promise.”

I hear my cell chime from the bedroom, telling me I have a text message.  “Somebody is looking for you,” he says and stands.

“It’s probably my mom.  Or Shel,” I say, standing as well.

James takes a step back and starts to evaporate.

“Can I still tell you I love you?” I ask as he fades.

“Only with your clothes on,” he teases.

I look down at myself in an exaggerated way.  I’m fully clothed.  “I love you.”

He has completely disappeared, but I still hear his voice.  “Until the end of forever.”

My cell chimes again, and I go to see who needs me.  When I pick the phone off my nightstand, my stomach drops to my toes.

Hey Grace.

It’s Dane.  I earned that nickname after a rather grace-less fall in front of him.  What could he possibly want?  The last thing I want to do is respond; I need more time to plan what to say.  But James’ voice rings in my ears from this morning – “Don’t let him get away with it.”  Let’s get this over with.

What do you want? I send.  I hope my rude tone is implied.

Just to say hi.  How have you been?

How have I been?  Well, let’s be honest.  Pissed.  Sad.  Intoxicated.  You?

What’s wrong?

I let out a short, harsh laugh.  You tell me.

How would I know what’s wrong??

I’m not in the mood for games.  Really?  Ask your fiancée.

It takes less than a minute for my cell to ring.  Dane is calling, and I refuse to answer.  I prefer to handle this over text; I don’t want him to hear my voice.  I’m terrible at lying, and I’m terrible at fighting.  I want to come across as angry, not emotional.  He calls three more times, and I send each call to voicemail.

He texts again.  Answer the phone.

No.

Please.

I don’t want to talk to you.

Let me explain.

Explain what?  That he’s a liar?  No need.  I understand perfectly.

You don’t understand anything at all.

It’s pointless to argue; he lied and we’re through.  Lose my number.

The phone goes silent.  The longer it stays that way, the more pressure builds inside my chest.  I set the phone down and curl on my side on the bed, pressing my face against the pillow.  My heart hurts again, and I’m unsure if it’s due to sadness or anger.  I fight back tears as I silently wonder how long it will take James to realize my pain and return to me.

Almost instantly, I hear a knock on the door and bolt upright.  Who could that be?  James wouldn’t knock.  When I open the door, I’m surprised to see Garrett standing there.

“What’s up?” I try to ask normally.  A suspicious lump has formed in my throat.

“Is James here?” he asks, looking anxiously around the room.

“No, not right now.  He’s been looking for you all day though.”

Garrett steps inside.  “You need to call him.  It’s urgent.”

“Call him how?”

“There’s no need,” James says from behind me, making me jump.  “I’m right here.”

Chapter 8

“We need to talk,” Garrett says and walks around me.

James crosses his arms.  “I agree.”

The two of them stare at each other, as if at an impasse, and nothing of consequence has even been said.  I close the door.  “Don’t let me get in your way.”  I blink to get rid of any lingering tears and start to make my way to the bedroom.

James reaches out and stops me.  “Everything okay?”

I nod and give him half a smile.  “I didn’t let Dane get away with it.”

His jaw tenses.  “He’s hurt you again?”

I glance at Garrett, and his attention is directed to me as well.  “Everything’s fine.”  I look back at James.  “I’ll leave you two alone.”  I start to head out of the room.

“Wait,” James says.  “I think you should stay.”

Garrett speaks up.  “I’m not sure that would be wise.”

James turns to him.  “Why?  You’re the one who involved her.  She deserves an explanation just as much as I do.”

Garrett shoots James an exasperated look.  “Now is not the time to be complicated.”

“We’re a package deal.”  James takes my hand.  “You know that.”

Garrett looks frustrated as I nervously shift my gaze from him to James and back again.  I don’t want to hang around if things are going to get nasty.

Apparently my neighbor concedes because he heads to the couch.  We follow.  He sits at one end, and I take a seat at the other, folding my legs beneath me.  James remains standing.  Garrett leans back, looks around for a moment, and assesses the furniture.  “The Cadillac is comfortable,” he smirks at me.  “Are you still willing to give it up?”

I grimace.  “Definitely.”

Perturbed and confused, James asks, “We’re discussing how the couch feels?”

Garrett turns to him.  “Sorry.  It’s been awhile since I’ve felt anything.”

James raises his eyebrows in surprise.

“Listen,” Garrett leans forward, setting his elbows on his knees and clasping his hands in front of him, “we have a problem.”

“We?” James crosses his arms again.

“Apparently, my absence hasn’t gone unnoticed.”

James scoffs.  “That sounds like your problem, not mine.”

“Did you tell anyone I was gone?  Ask about me after I left?”

“My demeanor hasn’t exactly been conducive to making friends.”

“So you’ve talked to no one?”

“I’ve tried to keep to myself,” James pauses.  “But no, there is one person I’ve been speaking to.”

“Who?”

“Thomas.”

Garrett narrows his eyes at James.  “What does he look like?”

James shrugs.  “He’s an older guy with glasses.”

And with that, another person takes form in my living room.  It startles me, and I spring off the couch and to James’ side in two steps.  He wraps his arm protectively around my shoulders.

The man appears midway between Garrett and James.  He’s an older gentleman, with light brown hair and a moustache that is starting to gray.  He’s wears thin-framed eyeglasses and a white shirt, covered by a tan sport coat with matching slacks.

“Hey kid,” the man smiles at James in a fatherly way.

“Thomas?” James blinks, surprised.

Garrett turns to Thomas and stands.  “You’ve been speaking with him?  I asked you to keep an eye on him, that’s all!”

“The boy was miserable,” Thomas defends himself.  “I couldn’t let him suffer.  Besides, you said yourself that you didn’t have enough time with him before you left.”

“You’ve been training him?”

Thomas hesitates.  “Not exactly.  Just filling in some blanks.”

“What about your duty?  What about Arnold?”

“My Ward is fine,” Thomas says and puts his hands in his pockets.  “He’s been moved to a nursing home.  He can’t get into too much trouble there.”  He smiles at James and me.

“Why are you here?” James asks.  “Can someone start making some sense?”

Thomas takes a step forward.  “Garrett asked one of us to accompany him tonight, just in case you lost your temper again.  Two against one might keep you a little calmer.”  He shifts his focus and gives me warm smile.  “You must be the lovely Emma.”

My gaze leaves Thomas and shoots to James.   He gives me a reassuring look and then turns his attention to the two other Guardians in the room.  I do the same.  “Um…nice to meet you?” I cautiously say.  Is there a protocol I should be following here?

“Likewise,” Thomas says and nods.

Garrett rubs his fingers against his forehead as if he can physically clear his mind.  “If you’re the only one he’s talked to, then what did Joss and Meg overhear at Assembly?  Maybe they’re wrong.”

Thomas turns to Garrett.  “Joss wouldn’t lie.”

Garrett sighs, frowning.  “I know she wouldn’t.”  He looks defeated.  “We need to meet.  All of us.”

All of us? I think.  Are more people going to materialize in my apartment?  I’m starting to reconsider the whole need-to-know thing on my part.

“Do you think that’s a good idea?” Thomas asks.  “If we’re all away at the same time…”

“I don’t think we have a choice.”  Garrett puts his hands on his hips and shifts his weight.

“Hold on,” James interrupts, removing his arm from my shoulders and walking toward the two Guardians.  “Meet who?  About what?”

James is out of the loop, and it’s starting to piss him off.  I think now would be the best time for me to exit this little gathering.  If a fight is about to break out, I’d rather not be present.

Thomas and Garrett start to speak over one another.

“The rest of…”

“James, I think…”

“Ah, hello?” I give a small wave, so I’m noticed.  The conversation ceases and everyone turns to face me.  “I’m sorry for interrupting but being as how I’m the only human in the room, I should probably go.”  I take a few tentative steps.  “I’ll just head out for a few hours and you guys can –”

“I’m human too.”

I freeze in place, staring at Garrett.

He gives me a tiny smile.  “Well, half human, anyway.”

My focus immediately shifts to James, and he looks completely blindsided, as if he’s been slapped in the face.  Thomas takes a measured step and stands between the two of them.  “Just in case,” he nods to me.  “They can’t hurt each other, but they can sure scare the hell out of you.”

“How?” James asks quietly, disbelieving.

Garrett steps to the side.  “The method was stumbled upon, and I’m the guinea pig.”

James looks away from Garrett and to me, as if looking for confirmation that I’m hearing this too.  I stare back at him, wide-eyed.  A million questions pass between us.

Thomas relaxes and steps out of the way.

“There is a group of us that no longer wish to be Guardians,” Garrett explains.  “The opportunity to be released has passed us all.”  His expression twists.  “None of our true loves chose us.  After years of serving The Allegiant, we’ve finally found another way out.”

“How?” James asks again, this time with more determination.  “What’s the method?  Count me in!”

“Whoa,” Thomas says, stepping back in front of James.  “It’s not that simple.”

“Right now, we need to concentrate on keeping this a secret,” Garrett continues.  “We need you to lay low and keep your eyes and ears open.  The Allegiant won’t come around asking questions without good cause.  Do your best by Emma and don’t call attention to yourself.  Without a reason to question my teaching, they shouldn’t need to talk to you – or me.  They cannot find out that I’ve left the Intermediate or where I’ve gone.  We need to find out what was overheard and where it came from.  If The Allegiant get even a hint of what we’re up to, it’s the end for all of us.”

James steps back.  “Fine.”  He gives them both a hard look.  “But I want in.  All the way.  Who else knows about this?”

The three of them have obviously forgotten that I’m in the room.

Thomas turns to Garrett.  “We’ll have to introduce him, one by one, to the others.  Unless you decide to hold a meeting.”

Garrett frowns in thought.  “Let me think about it some more.  Are you meeting Joss tonight?”

“As soon as I get back.”

“Find out if she can get more specifics from Meg.”

“Will do.”

Just then I hear my phone ring from the other room.  It distracts only me.  The Guardians – and Garrett – are deep in conversation.  I don’t want to interrupt them again by moving, so I ignore it, praying that whoever is trying to get ahold of me leaves a message.

“I could take him to meet Joss with me now,” I hear Thomas suggest.

Garrett appears to consider it.  “I’m due a visit as well, from Jack.”

“Does it matter who I meet first?” James asks.

My phone rings again, and I silently curse it.  James looks at me and nods over his shoulder.  “Maybe you should get that?”

I give the group an apologetic smile and dart around them as I head out of the room.  I grab my phone off the bed and see that Shel is calling.  I sit down and answer her in order to avoid any further interruptions.

“Hello?”

“Oh!  I’m so glad you answered!” Shel’s voice wavers.

Her panicked tone sends my already heightened nerves into overdrive.  “What’s wrong?  What is it?”

“It’s Matt,” her voice breaks.

Matt?  My pulse starts to accelerate.  Has something happened to him?  “Is he all right?”

“Yes,” she says through tears.  “It’s…we had a fight.”

Relief floods my body.  I want to say “Is that all?” but I catch myself.  I think this may be their first fight ever.  “Aw, Shel.  What about?”

“Dane.”  She spits his name out like it’s poison.

Dane?  My expression twists.  “Why were you fighting about him?”

“Because he knew, Emma!  Matt knew he was engaged!”

A sick feeling starts to curl around my stomach.

Shel sniffs.  “Dane called Matt and accused him of telling you.  When did you find out?”

“Yesterday,” I say quietly.

“I overheard Matt arguing on the phone and demanded to know what was going on.  He told me and then we got into it about you.  How could he do that to you Emma?  How could he keep this huge secret?  You’re our best friend!”

I’m at a loss for words.  Why would Matt keep this from me?  He knew Dane and I were getting close.  I hear Shel sniff again, and I’m reminded of how upset she is.  “I’m sorry that you guys fought because of me.”

“It’s not your fault!  It’s theirs!”

I hear what I think is a car horn in the background.  “Where are you?”

“Driving.  I’m on my way to you.”

“You are?”

“Yes.  I stormed out.  Is that okay?  I don’t want to go home; Matt will look for me there.  I don’t want to talk to him right now.”

I know the feeling.  “Of course you can come here.  How far away are you?”

“About an hour.”

“Okay.  Hang up and get here safe.”

“’Kay.  See you in a little bit.”

I end the call and stare at my phone.  Matt knew about Dane all along?  Feelings of betrayal start to swirl in my chest.  Thanks for the heads up, jackass.

“What’s going on?” James appears in my doorway, startling me.

“Shel’s on her way.  She got into a fight with Matt.”  I neglect to tell him about Matt’s secrecy.  I don’t need another person for him to be mad at.

“Oh good,” James says absentmindedly, glancing back into the living room.

I frown at him.  “It’s good they got in a fight?”

“What?”  He focuses back on me.  “Oh, no.  It’s good that Shel is coming here.  Thomas is going to take me to meet Joss.”

“Now?”

“Yes.”  He steps forward and plants a kiss on my forehead.  When he leans back, he looks at me intently.  There’s an excitement in his eyes that I haven’t seen in a very long time.  “You heard what I heard right?”

I nod.

“Do you know what this could mean?” he whispers enthusiastically.

I can’t help but smile at his boyish grin.  “The thought did cross my mind.”

He leans forward again and catches my mouth with his, kissing me hard.  When we stop, I tease him.  “I thought we weren’t supposed to do that?”

He responds by kissing me again.

“You’re going to get caught,” I reprimand him.

Someone clears his throat behind us.  “He is caught.”

James turns around and I jump off the bed.  Thomas is standing in the doorway.  The way he looks at us makes me blush.

“You’re still her Guardian, you know,” he chastises James.  He tries to maintain his stern expression, but his eyes crinkle as he breaks into a smile.  “No wonder Garrett asked me to keep an eye on you.”

James laughs nervously.  “Can you blame me?”

Thomas shakes his head.  “Not in the least.  Come on.  We have to go.”

James turns to me.  “I’ll see you soon.  Stay out of trouble.”

“Me?  Get into trouble?  Never.”  I smile.

“I don’t know.”  James tilts his head, doubtful.  “Shel is on her way.”

It’s so nice to see James happy for once.  “Don’t worry.  I’ll be on my best behavior.  Scout’s honor.”  I hold up my hand.

He smiles and leans in to kiss me again.

“Ahem,” Thomas subtly clears his throat from the doorway.

James stops.  He reaches out, takes my hand, and squeezes it, smiling at me.  I mouth “I love you.”  He winks at me and then drops my hand.

“Ready?” Thomas asks.

“Ready,” James confirms and takes a step back.

“It was nice to meet you Emma,” Thomas says to me.

“You too.  Come by any time.”

The two of them fade from my vision, James a little more slowly than Thomas, and I’m left with LB to wait for Shel.  She’s been napping on my bed this whole time.  It’s funny how a place that was so full moments ago can now feel so empty.  That is, assuming Garrett has gone.  I walk out into the living room, and it is indeed empty.  He must have left while I was on the phone.

My stomach growls, and I realize I haven’t had any dinner.  I check the clock and it’s almost eight.  Shel should be here around nine.  I head to the kitchen to make myself something to eat.  This is going to be a long night.

Chapter 9

When I greet Shel at the door, the evidence of her emotional state is worse than I imagined.  I thought the drive would have calmed her some, but her eyes are rimmed in red, her mascara has run down her cheeks, and her nose looks raw from wiping.

“Hey,” she says quietly and takes a deep breath.

I instantly open my arms to her and she steps into them for a hug.  “This sucks,” she says against my shoulder.

“Yeah.”  It’s all I can think to say.

We make our way to my apartment, and LB greets us at the door.  “She’s getting so big,” Shel says as she crouches down to pet her.  “What are you feeding her?  Super food?”

“Nah, just the regular stuff.  Maybe I give her too many treats?  She’s spoiled.”

“As she should be,” Shel says and shrugs out of her jacket.  “All us women deserve to be spoiled.”  She stands and lays the jacket over the back of the couch, setting her purse on the floor.  “Is this the…?”

“Birthday present?” I finish for her, making a face.  “Yes.”

She runs her hand across the leather and looks impressed.  “It’s nice.”  She glances at the television.  “I thought…”

I roll my eyes and sit down.  “After I found out about Dane’s…um…situation, I didn’t want his gifts anymore.  I gave the TV to my neighbor.”

Shel joins me on the couch.  “That Garrett guy?”

I nod.  “He barely owns anything.  He has my old loveseat too, which I’m planning to trade for this hunk of junk as soon as I can.”

LB jumps into my lap to be scratched and, as she makes herself comfortable, Shel asks, “So, how did you find out about Dane?”

“I received a newspaper article in the mail all about the lovely Ms. Teagan Meyer,” I say sarcastically.  It’s easy to let my true emotions show around Shel.  If anyone will understand how I feel, it’s her.  “The end of which prominently discussed her upcoming nuptials.”

Shel’s mouth falls open.  “Who sent it?”

I shrug.  “I don’t know.  There was no return address.”

“Can I read it?”

“Sure.”  I pick up LB, move her to Shel’s lap, and then pause.  James crumpled the article earlier today in his fit of frustration.  Maybe it’s still near the top of the garbage can.  “Let me get it out of the trash.”  I head over to the kitchen, peer into the basket, and pluck out the article-ball.  I bring it back to Shel and hand it to her.  “Sorry.  I got a little upset.”

“Understandable,” she says and takes the wadded up piece of paper.

I sit down opposite her, and LB makes her way back to my lap.  I scratch behind her ears and concentrate on listening to her purr as Shel unfolds the ball and reads the news story.  When she finishes, she crumples it back up and tosses it across the room.  “Well, that’s just shitty,” she says.  “Why are men such morons?”

I laugh.  “Good question.  Maybe we should be asking ourselves why we fall for them in the first place.”

Shel smiles, but then her amusement fades.  “How can I trust Matt after this?  How can you?”

I shake my head.  “I have to believe he has a good reason for keeping Dane’s secret.  If not, I will gladly be your accomplice in his murder.”  I pause.  “Did he try to explain himself?  What happened?”

Shel rearranges her body on the couch to get comfortable.  “We were hanging out at my place when he got the call from Dane.  I take it he found out you knew?”

“He sent me a text tonight and asked how I was, so I told him.  I said I was pissed, he asked why, and I told him to ask his fiancée.”

This makes Shel smile.  “Oooo, nice.”

“He tried to call me, but I wouldn’t answer.”  LB stretches out her front legs and kneads her paws against my thigh.  “He texted me again, and I promptly told him to lose my number.  I haven’t heard from him since.”

“Well, he must have called Matt right after.”  She tosses her hair over her shoulder.  “They started to argue, which is weird for them, and when Matt jumped off the couch and started pacing, I knew something big was up.  He kept saying, “It wasn’t me, it wasn’t me.”  So, naturally, when he hung up the phone I asked him what was going on.”  She grimaces.  “When he told me, I lit into him about keeping this from you.  He knows what you’ve been through!  The last thing you need is more heartache.  At least if he had told me the truth I could have steered you away from Dane instead of pushing you two together!  I’m so mad at him!”

I can’t help it and laughter escapes me.  I slap my hand over my mouth.

“What’s so funny?” Shel asks.  “I’m upset here!”

“You,” I say with a smile.  “You just admitted to setting me up with Dane.”

She rolls her eyes at me.  “Please.  You knew that all along.”

“True, but you rarely admit to anything.”  In the beginning, Shel found creative ways to get Dane and I in the same place at the same time, all the while denying her “involvement.”  But, as time went on, she didn’t need to intervene anymore, and that was my own fault.  I’m responsible for my own feelings and my own actions.

“What is it?” Shel asks.

“What?  Nothing.”

“You just went from laughter to sadness in, like, a second.”

I sigh.  “I do wish that Matt would have said something, even if he didn’t admit the whole truth.  Maybe he could have just said ‘he’s not relationship material’ or something like that, instead of going along with your plans.  But even so, Dane’s the one who’s ultimately to blame here.  At least he is in my eyes.”

Shel scoots over to sit closer to me and LB.  “You don’t blame me then?”

I frown at her.  “No!  Why would you think that?”

“Because I was rooting for Dane and Matt’s involved!  I swear to you I didn’t know about Dane’s engagement.  If I had, you sure as hell would have known too.”

I give her a reassuring look.  “I know that.  It never crossed my mind that either of you knew.  I promise.”

Relief visibly floods through my best friend and her shoulders relax.  “Thank God,” she says.  “I was beating myself up the whole way here.”

“Is that why you’re so upset?”  I make a face.  “Don’t be!  Calm down.”

She laughs.  “At first all of my anger was directed at Matt, but as I drove my thoughts started to turn to my part in this.  Let’s just say it didn’t help things.  I feel so bad, Em.”

“Well, don’t.  I’ve been through worse.  Besides, it’s not like Dane and I were a couple anyway.  We were friends that should’ve stayed friends.  Now we’ll just be…nothing.”

I hear the familiar chirp of Shel’s phone, and we both glance in the direction of her purse.  “I bet I know who that is,” I smile.

She groans and gets up off the couch.  She searches through her bag and finds her phone, dismisses the call, and tosses it back in.

“What are doing?” I ask.  “Wasn’t that Matt?”

“Yep.”

“Aren’t you going to talk to him?”

“Nope.”

“Come on,” I say and unfold my legs.  They’re starting to go to sleep.  This disturbs LB and she looks at me, annoyed.  “You should at least let him know where you are.”

Then I hear my phone ring.  We look at each other and laugh.  “Don’t answer it,” she says.

I stand.  “Let me at least see who it is.”  I jog into the bedroom.  “It’s Matt!” I holler to Shel.

“Don’t answer it!” she yells back.

I do as I’m told; although, I don’t feel good about it.  I walk into the living room.  “How long are you going to be mad at him?” I ask.

“That depends.  How long are you going to be mad at him?”

“Shel.”  I give her a condescending look.  “Don’t fight with Matt over me.  Call your boyfriend and make up.”

She shakes her head defiantly.  “No.  He needs to learn that if he messes with you, he messes with me.  We’re all supposed to be best friends; we’re all supposed to have each other’s backs.  We don’t keep secrets that hurt one another.”

I cross my arms and give her a stern look.  “I will not be responsible for the two of you fighting or worse.  Call him.”

“Not right now.”

“Shel…”

“He needs to stew about things for awhile.  Men have to be trained, Em.  He needs to learn a lesson.”

I look at her skeptically.  “What is he, a dog?”

She laughs.

I give up rationalizing and bend over to pick up the crumpled Teagan article to deposit back in the trash.  “I take it you’re spending the night then?” I ask as I head toward the kitchen.

“Would that be okay?”

I toss the ball into the garbage can.  “Of course.”  When I return to the living room, I find Shel sorting through my meager collection of DVDs.  “Movie night?” I ask.

She nods enthusiastically.  “Let’s camp out on the floor and watch movies like we used to when we were kids.  We can gorge ourselves on popcorn and other junk.  Sound good?”

“Sounds awesome.”  I move to gather my purse and smile.  “Go wipe that mascara off your face and let’s get some snacks.”

Shel and I returned from the store with three bags of junk food, plus a new movie to watch.  I don’t know why we felt we had to purchase The Lucky One, because it’s a love story and that’s the last thing we need right now.  But Shel heard it was good, and I hadn’t seen it either, so we got it.  We also bought a large assortment of sweet and salty snacks – chips, popcorn, pretzels, red licorice, gummy bears, and, of course, chocolate.  You can’t go wrong with Twix, M&M’s, and Butterfingers.  We moved my small coffee table out of the way and pulled my blankets and pillows off the bed to set up our “camp” on the floor in front of the television.  After we changed into pajamas and set out our snacks picnic style, I pressed play on the DVD, and we proceeded to get lost in the relationship of Beth and Logan.  Around two in the morning, with the movie over and our stomachs stuffed, we called it a night.

“Thanks for letting me stay,” Shel says to me in the darkness.

“You’re always welcome here.  Don’t ever question it.”

She yawns.  “Next time you need to come out to my place.”

“Will do,” I say sleepily.

I drift off, but after an hour or so, I wake up needing the bathroom.  It must be from all the Coke I drank.  I pull myself off the floor and lazily shuffle to the bathroom, cursing my bodily functions.  I’m so tired.  I wonder what it would be like to not have to do this anymore.  The next time I see James I’ll have to ask him if he misses going to the bathroom.

When I sit down, the toilet seat is freezing and the feeling wakes me up a bit.  As I sit there, my mind wanders to Matt and Shel.  I wish they wouldn’t fight over me.  It’s stupid, really.  If anyone should be fighting, it’s me and Matt.  Or me and Dane.  Wait.  We are fighting.  Back to me and Matt.  Did I mention I was tired?

As I leave the bathroom, I have a thought.  Maybe I can help fix this.  I tiptoe to my purse and pull out my phone.  Shel made me turn it off after we got back from the store as to avoid any more calls from Matt.  I sneak back into my bedroom and turn it on.  I have three voicemail messages.

“Emma?  It’s Matt.  I know you’re upset.  Please call me.”

“Me again.  Do you know where Shel is?  I’m worried.  Call me.”

“Obviously you’re beyond angry.  I’m sorry.  Please tell me that Shel is with you.  She won’t answer her phone.  Okay.  Bye.”

I send him a quick text, which was my plan all along.  He’s probably asleep, but he’ll see it in the morning.

Shel is here.

At least he’ll know where she is and stop worrying.  I set my phone down and head back out to the living room to go to sleep.

As soon as my head hits the pillow, my phone chimes, telling me I have a message.

“Shoot!” I whisper to myself.  The last thing I need is for my phone to wake up Shel.  It will go off a least four times if I don’t check it.  I get up as fast as I can without waking her, taking huge steps like an idiot to get to my bedroom quickly.  I snatch the phone from my nightstand.  It’s Matt.

Thank God.  I’m on my way.

What?!  No!  Shel will kill me!  What are you doing awake?!  You can’t drive here in the middle of the night!

I’m up worrying anyway.

What do I say?  That she doesn’t want to see to him?  You CANNOT come here.

Dane is with me.  He wants to see you.

Oh, hell no!  Don’t you DARE bring him here!

Be reasonable.

You be reasonable!  It’s late and I’m tired.  I don’t want to argue right now.  All I was trying to do was ease Matt’s worry; which I now realize was a mistake.  And what is Dane doing with him at this hour?  What are they, attached at the hip?

How mad is she?

Very.

How mad are you?

Extremely.

I wait and there is no response.  I imagine the two of them getting in the car for the long drive out here.  A ball of nerves forms in my belly and sits there like a rock, or maybe it’s all the junk I ate coagulating in one spot.  Probably a combination of both.  Man, I really screwed this up.  I switch the phone to vibrate, in case it goes off again before daylight.  I stand to go back to our campsite.  How am I going to sleep now?

Buzz.  I’ll see you in a few.

I could cry.  NO.

Don’t worry.  I’m alone.

I barely manage to sleep the rest of the night in anticipation of Matt’s arrival.  If he left when he said he did, he should be here soon.  I look over at Shel, who is sleeping peacefully, and imagine her wrath when she finds out.  I contemplate waking her, so we can make a run for it.  Instead, I decide to get up and get dressed.

When I’m decent, I leave the apartment to wait by the front door for Matt.  I don’t want him pressing the intercom and waking Shel.  I lean against the sidelight, peering through the window, so I can see him when he arrives.  I pick at my cuticles to pass the time and silently wonder if James will visit today.  He was so excited yesterday and, the more I think about it, so am I.  If Garrett is partially human, what could that mean for us?  Who knew that was even possible?

My light is temporarily blocked by a passing shadow, and I turn to open the door quickly.  Matt jumps as my action startles him and he freezes, his finger hovering over the intercom button.  I give him a stern look, step outside, and close the door behind me.

He relaxes.  “Em, I…”

“Wait.”  I stop him before he can say anymore.  I cross my arms and take a step forward, looking up and down the sidewalk to make sure he came alone.

Matt sighs.  “He’s not here.”

I turn to face him, raise my eyebrows, and snap, “At least you listened to one thing I said.”

He runs his hand through his hair.  “I just want to make things right.  This is killing me.”

I take a moment to really look at him, and he does look worn.  His usually styled hair falls flat against his head, his eyes are red from lack of sleep, and his clothes are wrinkled and unkempt.  Geez, it hasn’t even been 24 hours.

“Matt, I only contacted you so you wouldn’t worry.  Not to make you come out here.”

“Shel can’t avoid me if I’m here and neither can you,” he says and puts his hands on his hips.  “I feel terrible, and I deserve a chance to explain, to apologize.  Is she awake?”

“She’s sound asleep and has no idea you’re here.  Do you know how much trouble I’m going to be in when she finds out?”

“I won’t tell,” he says, trying to look innocent.  “We can pretend like I took a chance that she was here and just showed up.”

“Fine.”  I pull my keys from my pocket and unlock the front door.  I step inside and warn him, “This may not be pretty.  Are you prepared?”

He grimaces.  “As much as I’ll ever be.”

“Give me a minute and then press the intercom,” I tell him.  “It’ll probably wake her and she’ll be none the wiser.”

“Got it.  And thanks.”

I give him a sarcastic smile and close the door.  I head to my apartment and enter as quietly as possible.  I creep over to Shel, and she’s still asleep on the floor.  I barely take two steps away from her when the intercom buzzes, making me jump.  Impatient much?

Shel stirs, but doesn’t open her eyes.  I pick up LB, who has left the cozy comfort of Shel’s side, and head to let Matt in, leaving my apartment door open.  When we return, Shel is sitting up and rubbing her eyes.  She takes one look at us, blinks to focus, and then opens her mouth.  “What the hell?”

“It’s not Emma’s fault,” Matt rushes to defend me.  “I figured you would be here.”

Shel throws off the blanket and gets to her feet.  “What part of my not answering your calls didn’t you understand?”

“I needed to see you.  I was worried.”  He looks genuinely concerned, as if he thought Shel might have fled the country.

“I’m a big girl.  I’m fine.  Now leave.”

“Shel…” he pleads.

“I’m serious!” she shouts.

I hate to see them fight, especially when it’s over something to do with me.  I speak up.  “Guys, stop!  I’m the one who should be mad, not you.”

They turn around.

“This is between Dane and me.”  I put LB down and give Matt a hard look.  “Although, it would’ve been nice to have had some warning.”

Matt grimaces.  “Dane is my friend –”

“So is Emma!” Shel snaps.

Matt closes his eyes then opens them slowly.  He takes a deep breath.  “When he told me he was starting to have feelings for you, I told him he had to tell you.  Demanded it, actually.”  He glances at Shel then back to me.  “He assured me that he was going to break things off with Teags; he said he didn’t love her anymore.  Said maybe he never did.”

“Teags?” I ask.  My mind flashes back to the day of my fight with Dane, when I was packing up to move to Western.  When he told Matt, “I’m headed to the airport.  Teags will be here in a few hours.”

“We’ve been calling her that since high school,” Matt says.  “Em, the girl has been gone forever.  I was surprised to hear that she was finally coming home.  Then you and Dane stopped speaking to each other, and I thought bringing it up now wouldn’t do any good.  It’s really not my place if you two aren’t together.”

I stare at him in silence, digesting what he has said.

“How did you find out anyway?” he asks.

Shel and I make eye contact and I nod, giving her the go ahead to explain.  “She got a newspaper article in the mail, a spotlight piece on Teagan about her trip.  The end of it talked about the engagement.”

Matt looks at me, confused.  “Who sent you that?”

“I have no idea.”

Matt takes a few steps toward me.  “Em, Dane is wrecked over this.  He feels horrible that you didn’t hear about it from him personally.  You should really talk to him.”

“Ah, not gonna happen,” I say adamantly.  “He basically cheated on her with me.  Besides, he’ll be fine.  His woman is home to take care of him now.”

Matt lets out a sharp laugh.

“What?  Is there trouble in paradise?”

“Teagan isn’t exactly the maternal, caring type.”

“What are you trying to say?” Shel asks.

“That she’s a raging bitch,” Matt says matter-of-factly.  “She always has been.  I’ve never liked her.”

I can’t help but smile as images from the show Bridezillas flash through my mind.  “Well, I guess that will make for an interesting wedding.”

Matt shakes his head.  “Who says there’s going to be a wedding?”

Chapter 10

By early evening, I’m sitting cross-legged on my bed, finishing an assignment for Communications in Business.  On the floor, LB plays with the discarded edges of my notebook paper as I brainstorm ways to differentiate between the advantages and disadvantages of non-verbal communication.  It’s not a riveting topic.

This afternoon, Matt and Shel left on better terms.  Shel was still a little salty, but I’m not sure if her mood was an act or not.  She may still be doing that whole “Matt needs to be trained” thing.  Matt repeatedly apologized over breakfast, after we decided to go out to eat instead of consuming the leftovers of our junk food picnic.  There was a lot of eye rolling on Shel’s part, especially when Matt refused to elaborate on his statement regarding Dane’s possible wedding.  He said it wasn’t his place to discuss Dane’s business and that it would be best if I called Dane to let him explain what’s going on.  I know what he’s doing; he’s trying to bait me into speaking to him again.  Well, I’m not going to fall for it.  I have too many conflicting feelings when it comes to Dane; now is as good a time as any to cut off any and all contact.  I’ll stay off that emotional rollercoaster, thank you very much.

Suddenly, I hear this horrid gurgling noise coming from beside my bed.  I throw myself over to the edge to witness LB throwing up on the floor.

“LB!” I exclaim with worry as I sit there, stunned.  She finishes retching, backs up a few steps, and starts to clean herself as if nothing happened.  I bend over the bed further to examine her vomit pile and it appears she decided to eat the paper remnants instead of just play with them.

“Really?” I scold her, annoyed.

She stops washing to look at me innocently.

“I thought you were sick,” I grumble as I slide off the bed to find something to clean up the mess.  I return with a damp dish rag and some paper towel from the kitchen and set to taking care of the grossness.  LB apologetically rubs against me.

“No more paper for you,” I tell her and pick up the last bits from the floor, the ones she didn’t eat.  “Let’s stick to pet store toys from here on out.”

After I discard everything, I decide to turn on some music while I finish my homework.  I plug my phone into the dock in my room and shuffle my way through my favorite playlist.  I select Maroon 5’s “Payphone” and hum along, attempting to complete my dull assignment.

Halfway through the song I hear laughter.  Female laughter.  I pause to listen, but don’t hear it again.  I shake it off and continue writing; it was probably in the song and I never noticed it before.  A minute later, I hear it again.  What the heck?  I lean over and turn down the music, listening for the mysterious laughter sound.  I wonder if Samantha and Todd are being overly loud upstairs.

Movement in my peripheral vision catches my attention, and I turn to see James taking form on the opposite side of the room.  I start to get up off the bed to greet him, but then stop as I realize he is with other people.  People I’ve never met before.

“Hi,” he smiles broadly and walks around my bed to be closer to me.  His guests follow.  “I wanted to introduce you to some friends.”

I rearrange my face to offer a smile at the two women James has brought with him.  One woman is petite, with straight, shoulder-length, fiery red hair, and a dash of freckles.  Her eyes are an odd shade of brown, almost caramel, and she wears a soft yellow peasant blouse and embroidered bell-bottom jeans.  She can’t be much older than sixteen.  The other woman is tall, almost as tall as James’ 5’11 inch frame, with striking blue eyes that remind me of the Mediterranean.  Her dark brown hair falls in shiny waves to her lower back, and she wears a cream colored sundress that falls just above the knee, the style showing off her toned arms and legs.  The color complements her sun-kissed skin tone, and I notice she’s wearing cowboy boots as well.

“This is Jenna,” James nods to his left indicating the red-haired girl.  “And this is Meg,” he nods and smiles to the woman standing at his right.

Jenna twists her fingers together nervously as Meg confidently steps forward and extends her hand.  “It’s a pleasure to meet you,” she says with a slight southern twang.

I tentatively take her hand to shake it, standing as I do.  She feels just as cold as James, but the consistency of her hand somehow feels more solid.  “It’s nice to meet you too,” I say quietly, somewhat stunned that I am meeting yet another Guardian.  Meg releases my hand and steps back, flipping her long hair over one shoulder and revealing a perfect white smile.  Geez, could she get any prettier?  I suddenly feel self-conscious in my sweatpants and old Muse t-shirt.

Meg glances at Jenna and nods toward me.  “Um, hi,” the girl says shyly.

I give her a genuine smile, hoping to make her feel more comfortable.

“These two were on their way to check in with Garrett,” James says.  “I was headed to see you, so we came together.”

“Oh,” I say, for a lack of anything better.

“He was pretty anxious to get here,” Meg says with a laugh.  “We won’t keep you.”  She steps around James and nudges Jenna’s arm.  She looks back to flash us another amazing smile.  “See y’all.”

I say “okay” lamely, and James gives them a small wave as they turn together and walk through my bedroom wall.  I’m sure I look dumbfounded.  When I feel his cool arms wrap around my waist, I snap to attention.

“What is it?” James asks.

“I’m never going to get used to that.”

He leans in to me.  “Walking through walls is no big deal.”

“Not that,” I say and then correct myself.  “Well, yes that, but what I meant was other people appearing in my personal space.”  I give him a stern look.  “If you’re going to bring company by could you at least warn me?  I look like crap.”

He grins.  “You never look like crap.”

I look down at my comfy ensemble and then back at him.  “All of you look really nice,” I say, pouting.  “Meg is gorgeous and Jenna is super cute.  Thomas is all business-like.  What happens when you die?  Does everyone get some sort of after-life makeover?”

James laughs.  “We’re stuck with what we’re buried in, Em.  Of course we’d have on nice clothes.”

I give James a once-over, raising my eyebrows.  “Your mother allowed you to be buried in a polo and jeans?”  I have a hard time believing this.  His mother is so….uppity.

“Actually,” he smiles, “she wanted me in a suit.  My dad wanted me in my hockey jersey.  They compromised and went with what you see here.”

I gape at him.  I knew he checked in with his parents from time to time, but I didn’t know it had started so soon after the accident.  His casket was closed; I never saw…I swallow.  I despise thinking of that day.  The day of my meltdown, the day it hit me that James was gone forever.

“Hey,” he says softly, concerned.

Our bond must give away my emotions, so I shake them away.  I step back and tip my head, assessing his outfit in further detail.  “Well, I’m glad your mother didn’t get her way,” I say appreciation.  “You’ve never been a suit kind of guy.  Besides, all those layers would have covered up this.”  I reach out with one hand and touch his chest, running my fingers over his much more prominent pectorals.  “Have you been working out?” I ask, engrossed.

He inhales sharply.  “No.”

My eyes follow my fingertips as I trail them slowly down his side.  “Then what’s going on?”

“It’s a side effect.”

My fingers travel across his now defined abdominal muscles and up the opposite side of his body.  “Of what?”

“My strength as a Guardian.”

My hand lands back where it started and I meet his blue eyes.  “How strong will you get?”

His hands land on my hips and he pulls me to him.  “Apparently not strong enough.”

His mouth meets mine and moves against me insistently, frigidly.  I expect him to stop abruptly, like the last time we kissed this way, but he doesn’t.  I can’t stop my pulse from racing.  He puts pressure on my hips and turns me, pressing me back.  My leg hits the bed, and I tense up so I won’t fall.  He feels my reaction and moves his hands to my waist to steady me, his mouth disappearing from mine.  It reappears beneath my ear and leisurely travels down my throat while his hands slide from my waist around to my backside.  All of my nerves jump to attention.

“I thought you said this wasn’t a good idea,” I breathe.

“It’s not,” he says against my neck.

He leans into me and pushes me back, forcing me to reach out and brace myself against the bed.  I try to do this gracefully, but I end up falling right on top of my textbook and notes.  The binding of the book slams against my back.  “Ow!”

James releases me suddenly.  “What happened?”

I roll onto my front.  “I landed on my book.”  I start to laugh, then whine, “That hurt.”  Only I would do something this idiotic.

“Where’d you land on it?” he asks.

I reach around and point to the middle of my back.  “Right there, on my spine.”

He lifts my shirt and reaches beneath it, pressing his cool hand against my skin.  “Right here?”

“Yes.”  I swallow.  “What are you doing?”

“No need for an ice pack with me around.”  I can hear the smile in his voice.

I try to look over my shoulder, eyebrows raised.  “Are you sure that’s your only motive?”

He laughs and then sighs.  “I miss you.”

“I’m right here.”

“No.  I mean I miss you,” he says, emphasizing his utterance of miss, so I pick up on his innuendo.

I move through his hand and roll over on to my back, propping myself on my elbows.  I look at him quizzically.

He gives me half a smile.  “Do you have a question?”

I sit up.  “You’re getting stronger.”

He nods.

“You feel different than you did before, and Meg’s hand felt even more solid than yours.”  I tip my head.  “What else is changing?  How far could you have taken this?” I gesture between us.

James gives me a resigned sigh.  “Unfortunately, not far enough.”  He gathers my books from the bed, sets them on the floor, and sits down beside me.  “You know we can’t…I can’t…”

“You’ve said that before.”  I twist my body and lean over to kiss his cheek.  “So why are you acting like this?”

“Old habits die hard, I guess.”  He gives me a guilty smile.

I rub my hand reassuringly against his back.  “You’re going to get into trouble,” I remind him and then move to the head of my bed, so we can lie down together.  I curl myself into him and change the subject.  “Will you feel more solid eventually, like Meg?”

“The way Meg feels is the most ‘solid’ I’ll get,” James says.  “We reach our full form in about six months, but Meg’s been a Guardian for nearly forty years.”

I look at him, impressed.  “She ages well,” I joke.  “Is there a beach in the Intermediate?”

His brow furrows.  “What do you mean?”

“Meg has a nice tan.  She must lay out.”

James stifles a laugh.  “No, there’s no sunbathing in the Intermediate.  There are beaches, though, when The Allegiant feel like recreating them.”

“Huh?” I ask, perplexed.

“The Allegiant decide what each day will look like,” James explains.  “Yesterday, the landscape was Paris at night, complete with a faux Eiffel Tower, bistro chairs, and gas street lamps.  The day before that was a random spring meadow, dotted with lilacs and tulips.  I sat beneath a weeping willow tree.”

“Really?”

He nods.  “I’ve walked along the edge of a recreated Grand Canyon and wandered through mossy forests.  Why?  What did you think it looked like?”

I shrug.  “Bright, with fluffy white clouds.”

He smiles.  “No; there’s no fluffy white clouds.”

LB decides to join us, jumping up on to the bed at our feet.  We watch her as she lazily makes her way between us.  She finds a comfortable spot and curls against my belly.  James scratches behind her ears and she purrs loudly.

“So, how’s Shel?” he asks, moving his hand to scratch under her chin.

“Better,” I say.  “Matt showed up and they talked.  She still seemed a bit testy when they left, but knowing Shel she’ll get over it soon enough.”

“What were they fighting about?”

I groan.  “Dane.”

James stops petting LB.  “Huh?”

I figure it’s okay to tell James about Matt’s secrecy since it doesn’t upset me that much anymore.  “Matt knew Dane was engaged and he didn’t bother to share the information.  Shel was upset because she thought he should have told me.”

James’ face twists.  “Yeah.  I agree.”

“He was under the impression that Dane was breaking it off.”

“Did he break it off?”

“Who knows?” I say and shift my weight.  “It doesn’t matter.”

James gives me a knowing look, and I decide not to talk about Dane anymore.  “Tell me what happened last night,” I ask.  “Did you meet that Joss person?”

He nods.  “I think you would like her.  She’s older, like Thomas.  Her real name is Joslyn, but everyone calls her Joss.”

“And?” I press.

“Thomas asked what she heard from Meg, but then took the opportunity to introduce me to her as well and get the information from the source.”

“Wait.”  I’m confused.  “How is it that you don’t already know these people?”

James smiles.  “Everyone has a Guardian remember?  The Intermediate has just as many Guardians as there are people on the planet.”

“Sounds crowded.”

“Not any more so than here.”  He moves to prop himself on his elbow and his eyes light up.  “This group of us, we have to stay scattered.  Talk discreetly and meet in different locations.  A large group continually disappearing together would be noticed.”

“And that would be bad, right?”

James gets more animated as he speaks.  “If The Allegiant find out what Garrett’s done and discover who’s protecting him, they have ways of making us talk.  They will want to know where he is and will try to stop him before he’s completely Reborn.  We’ll all be punished.”

I prop myself up to meet his eyes.  “So what do you have to do?”

“Keep Garrett hidden.  Quell any rumors and keep him updated, in case he needs to relocate.  The more time goes on, the more it will be noticed that Garrett is missing.  Guardians just don’t up and disappear forever.”

“Keep him hidden for how long?” I ask.

“About six months.”

“Huh,” I say, as my mind turns over what he has shared.  “Six months to become a full Guardian and six months to undo it.”  I meet his eyes and whisper, “Do you know how it’s done?”

James frowns and shakes his head.  “Garrett won’t share the method.  No one knows except him and his brother.  He doesn’t want us revealing anything in case we’re questioned.”

“Garrett has a brother?” I ask, surprised.

James nods.  “I haven’t met him yet, but I will soon.”

“Wow.”  I lie back down.  “This is just…it’s just crazy.”

James leans over me and he regards me with a smirk.

“What?” I ask.  “You’re really enjoying this covert operation, aren’t you?”

“Damn right.”  He breaks into a grin.

“Of course you are,” I grimace.  “Don’t get caught.  It worries me.”

He moves closer.  “I wouldn’t think of it,” he says and kisses my forehead.  When he leans back he’s smiling like a little kid who just got away with stealing a cookie before dinner.

“Why are you so happy?  You haven’t been this relaxed since you came back.”

“Because,” he leans in to me again, “if Garrett succeeds, I plan on being human again, too.”

When Garrett didn’t show up for Ethics on either Tuesday or Thursday, I was concerned.  When he didn’t show up for our tutoring session on Friday, I was annoyed.  Just because I know what’s going on doesn’t mean I still don’t need help with my Stats homework.  It would have been comforting to see him in our regular setting.  I haven’t had a chance to speak with him one on one since last week and, for some reason, it bothers me.  Maybe I’m just worried that if I don’t see him something terrible has happened; James can only check in with me so often.  I do want Garrett to succeed and for purely selfish reasons.  There is a way for James to come back to me – really come back to me.  We need this to work for us.

It’s Saturday afternoon and the fall weather has officially arrived.  I know I have a soft, comfy cardigan somewhere and, as I rifle through my closet, I come across the household items I purchased for Garrett.  I’d forgotten about the bags because I moved them out of the way when Shel was here, to make room for our campsite picnic.  I smile to myself.  I just found an excuse to stop by my neighbor’s apartment, to make sure everything is okay, without appearing nosy.

After finding my sweater, I knock on Garrett’s door with the bags in my hands.  I hope he’s home.  I haven’t seen James in a couple of days and knowing everything is moving along as planned would be a comfort right now.

The door cracks open and turquoise eyes appear.  “Yes?”  Garrett realizes it’s me and opens the door wider.  “Oh, hi Emma.”

I raise my eyebrows.  “You forgot our tutoring session yesterday.”

He presses the palm of his hand against his forehead.  “I completely forgot.  I’m so sorry.”  He steps back and fully opens the door.  I walk inside, and he shuts the door behind me.  “Did you bring your book?  I have time to go over some things now if you want.”

“No.”  I hold up the bags.  “I just came by to give you this.”  And make sure you’re still around, I think.

“What is it?”

I set the bags down by my feet.  “The things I bought for you before the bar incident.”

Garrett smiles.  “I remember.  The stuff that made you sing.”

My face flushes in embarrassment.  “Right.  Remind me never again to drink anything with tequila in it.”  I open the first bag.  “Okay.  So I got you a comforter for your bed, a shower curtain, and some hangers.”  I open the second bag.  “And some dishes, some bathroom towels, and this.”  I pull out the oven mitt and laugh.  “You’ll need this eventually.  You can’t grab hot pans with your bare hands forever.”

He steps forward and takes the oven mitt from me.  “Thanks,” he says and fondly looks at the mitt.  “When you’re a Guardian for 68 years you tend to forget a lot of human things.”

I try not to look surprised.  “Sixty-eight years?”

“And 45 days,” he adds.

I frown.  “You hated it that much?”

He gives me half a smile.  “I didn’t use to.”  He backs up a few steps and rests against the arm of my old loveseat.  “But when certain things pass you by, things you were counting on…” he hesitates.  “Let’s just say it’s easy to become disenchanted.  Being bound for eternity starts to feel a little…claustrophobic.”

I think I understand.  Garrett’s love chose not to release him.  “Who was she?” I quietly ask.

Garrett pauses for a moment and then looks down, turning the oven mitt over in his hands.  “She was my everything,” he says softly.  “I didn’t think twice when I was offered the Choice.”

“The choice to become a Guardian?”

Garrett looks up and nods.  “There was no way I could refuse the chance to stay in her life.  Especially when I left the way I did.”

My face fills with sympathy.  “What was her name?”

“Amelia,” he says, a small smile flickering across his lips.

“She sounds beautiful.”

Garrett breaks out into a grin, and his turquoise eyes seem to glow brighter.  “Oh, she was,” he says and adjusts his weight on the arm rest as if physically energized by the memory of her.  “And she knew it too.”  He gestures for me to take a seat, and I do.  I want to hear this story.

“How’d you meet?” I ask.

“On the street,” he laughs, remembering.  “She was actually seeing my brother at the time, but I hadn’t met her yet.  I was in town running some errands for my grandmother, walking down the sidewalk, and out of nowhere comes this feisty brunette.”  He shakes his head.  “She was headed right for me with this murderous expression.  I had no idea who she was.”

I imagine Garrett standing in a sea of people on a sidewalk and the crowd parting as Amelia strides toward him.  I can see him glancing behind himself, perplexed, wondering who she’s headed for.  The idea makes me smile.

“She marched right up to my chest, pointed her tiny little finger in my face, and ripped right into me in front of everyone.  She started accusing me of standing her up to go out with some other girl named Linda.”  Garrett shrugs.  “I didn’t even know a Linda!”

I laugh.

“Turns out she’d mistaken me for my brother, thought I was Jack,” he chuckles.  “He did have quite a reputation with the girls.”

“She thought you were your brother?  You two were…?”

“Twins,” Garrett says, finishing my sentence.  “It caused us, well, me, quite a few problems in my time among the living.”

I smile.  “Then what happened?”

“She came to her senses and decided I was the better of the two brothers,” he jokes.  “We were together for almost two years.  Lived and breathed one another.”  He pauses.  “Then Pearl Harbor was bombed, and Jack and I enlisted.”

My face falls.  “I’m sure she wasn’t too pleased with that.”

“She wasn’t,” he says and stands, tossing the oven mitt onto the coffee table.  “We fought about it.  But it was the thing to do; patriotism was running wild and I was seventeen.  The next thing I knew I was at Fort Bragg and then deployed.”

My chest begins to ache as I stare at him.  I’m certain I know how this story ends.

“Before I left, I’d promised to marry her,” Garrett sighs.  “But I didn’t have enough money for a ring…” he trails off, and his expression suddenly hardens.  “It wouldn’t have mattered.  Omaha Beach ended any real future for us.”

Tears jump behind my eyes as I imagine how horrible that must that have been.  “What about your brother?”

Garrett gives me a distant look.  “He died fighting right alongside me.  We didn’t even make it halfway up the beach.”  Suddenly, he smirks.  “Over-achiever.”

I don’t know if he’s talking to himself or to me.

“He just had to be first, thought he could take out the Germans single-handedly.”

I force a smile.  “And you had to be by his side, right?”

He focuses on my face.  “Yeah, like an idiot, following my older brother.”

“Older?”

“By three whole minutes,” he smiles.

I return his smile, but it quickly fades.  “I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be.”  He returns to sit on the couch.  “I have a chance at another future now.”

I nod and try to blink away the few tears that sit in my eyes.  “Do you think you’ll always love her?  Amelia?”

“I know I will,” he says matter-of-factly.  “She’ll always be a part of me.  I watched over her until she passed.  I witnessed her successes and her failures, her loves and her losses.  Even at nearly eighty years old she still held my heart.”  He sighs.  “But she didn’t choose me.  And now it’s time to live for myself.”

I can sympathize with how he must feel, spending years waiting for your soul mate to join you only to be rejected in the end.  Suddenly, understanding hits me like a ton of bricks.  “That’s why, isn’t it?”

“I’m sorry?”

“That’s why you assigned me.  To James.  You didn’t want what happened to you to happen to him.”

Garrett eyes me warily.  “In part, yes.”

Irritation starts to bubble in my chest.  “I….You…” I try to sort out my thoughts.  “Amelia didn’t choose you.”

“Thanks for the reminder,” Garrett scoffs.  He gives me a knowing look.  “Just like you wouldn’t have chosen James.”

My mouth falls open.  “You don’t know that.”

He tilts his head.  “Don’t I?”

“You have no idea what my choice would have been!”  I stand and look down at him.  “I’m not Amelia.”

He stands to face me.  “You forget that I’ve known you just as long as James has.  I was there when you came into his life, and I was there when he left yours.”  He pauses.  “I know about Dane.”

All of a sudden my face feels hot.  Is there anyone on this planet who doesn’t know about my personal life?  “Dane is irrelevant,” I say in frustration.  “I’m talking about James and me.  You’ve made things extremely hard on him; on us.  He’s been beating himself up trying to stop loving me.”

Garrett annoys me by crossing his arms and leaning into my personal space, as if he is a teacher about to scold a student who thinks she knows it all.  “And have you ever considered that you are the one to free him of that?”

I shoot him a befuddled look.

“All a Guardian wants – needs – is for their Ward to be happy and safe.  For their Ward to lead a life well-lived.  Find it in yourself to move on, show him you can find happiness.  The less emotional you are the easier his job will be.”

I shake my head.  “I can’t move on from James.”

“Can’t you?  Think about it,” he says.  “Moving on will allow him to perform his duty and allow you to have a full life.”

“You just want him to stop loving me, so he won’t draw attention to himself and your absence.  I love him.  I always will.”

Garrett sighs.  “And I’ll always love Amelia.  Emma,” he shifts his tone and tenderly reaches out toward me, “seriously think about this.  Don’t you want James to be happy too?”

“Of course I want that.”

“Look, if I were Amelia’s Guardian, I could have been as close to her as possible for the rest of her life.  I could have been her best friend.  Instead, I ended up as a boyfriend killed in a war, no longer needed, and pining away for her for eighty years.  Trust me,” he says softly, “what I did was the best for both of you.”

“I…it’s…” I scowl.  “I don’t see it that way.”

Garrett nods.  “I think you will as time goes on.”

I take a deep breath.  I think it would be best if I left.  I didn’t come here to listen to how great it is that James is my Guardian and how much better it would be if I abandon him.  Besides, what’s the point if James can be human again?  I start to walk around Garrett.

He reaches out and brushes my arm.  “Hey.  Don’t go.  I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“No, it’s okay.  It’s just…a lot to take in.”  I make it to the door.

“Please don’t be angry,” Garrett says, following me.

I need to get out of here.  “I have some other things I have to do.”  I nod toward the bags on the floor.  “I hope you like your stuff.”

He looks back at his care packages and then meets my eyes.  “Thank you for thinking of me.”

I try to smile and head out the door.  “See you in Ethics?” I ask.

“I’ll be sure to make it this week.”

I nod and walk to my apartment without looking back.

Chapter 11

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

A chill rocks my body from my head to my toes.  I’m freezing, yet sweaty, and covered by a winter blanket.  James stares at me, worried, from the other end of the couch.  “It’s probably a 24 hour thing,” I say and pull the blanket tighter around my neck.  I must look like a turtle with just my head exposed.

“Do you want me to get you something to eat?”

Oh no.  Food is the last thing I want right now.  I shake my head, then look at him apologetically.  “I’m sorry I ruined our day together.”  James’ visits have been sporadic, and I was looking forward to spending some time with him.

“Don’t worry about that.”  He frowns.  “Maybe you should see a doctor.”

I roll my eyes.  “No, I’ve only felt sick since this morning.”  Leave it to me to get some sort of flu at the beginning of October, before the really cold weather and typical flu season hits.

James gets up and crouches in front of me, resting his hand against my forehead.  It feels arctic.  “Whoa.  Even I can feel how hot you are.”

I take the opportunity to be sarcastic.  “I thought you already knew how hot I was?”

He smirks.  “Oh, I do.  You look especially sexy wrapped in this cocoon.”  He looks back at my half empty glass of water.  “You probably need something like Gatorade.  Do you want me to see if Garrett has any?”

“Yeah, you probably should.”  I haven’t had anything but water since I woke up this morning.  I have absolutely no desire to eat or drink anything.  I’m due for some more Motrin and washing it down with something other than water is probably a necessity by now.

“Okay.  I’ll be right back.”  James fades from view, not even bothering to walk out or through the door.  I lie on the couch and wait, shivering, while trying to pick up in the middle of an episode of My Fair Wedding with David Tutera.  I can’t concentrate and end up just staring at the TV.  I hate being sick.  My eyelids start to feel heavy.

Out of nowhere I hear James’ voice.  “He doesn’t have any.”

My eyes snap open.

“But I sent him to the store for some.”  He walks in front of me and sits on the edge of the couch again.

“You didn’t have to do that,” I say.

“He said it’s not a problem.”

I roll on to my back from my side and stretch.  I toss the blanket off and start to get up for some more pills.

“What are you doing?” James asks.

“Getting some more medicine.”  I slowly pull my legs over the side of the couch.

“Let me get it,” he says and jumps up, taking my water glass with him.  I gratefully lay back down.  LB finds me and hops up, stepping on to my shoulder to put her little nose in my face.  “Hey LB.”  She rubs her head against my chin.  “I love you, too,” I tell her.

James returns from the bathroom.  “Here.”  He holds out two pills.

I prop myself into a sitting position, which makes LB jump off the couch, and take the Motrin.  He hands me the glass of water, and I swallow and smile.  “I like it when you take care of me.”

He sits on the edge of the coffee table.  “I’m your Guardian.  That’s my job.”

His response bothers me, and I make a face.  “I meant by choice not by force.”

He regards me for a moment and his expression softens.  “I’ll always take care of you, no matter what.”  He takes the glass from my hands.  “Maybe you should sleep some more.”

I groan.  I’ve been sleeping most of the day.  I know I need it, but I’d rather stay awake while he’s here.  Regardless, I scoot to lie down, and he tucks the blanket around my neck again.  He kisses my forehead quickly and then sits at the other end of the couch.  I make it to another commercial during My Fair Wedding and feel myself drifting off.

“Can I change the channel?” he whispers.

I nod into the pillow, which I moved from my bed to the couch this morning, and press myself against the cushions.  Not that I would tell anyone, but I’m secretly grateful I haven’t yet been able to exchange Dane’s birthday present for my old loveseat.  It’s definitely more comfortable, and it gives me another place to lie down instead of being trapped in my bed.

I’m just on the edge of sleep when I hear another voice.  At first I think it’s the television, until I hear James respond, “She’s not feeling well.”

“Aww, poor thing.  I don’t miss getting sick.”

I pry my eyes open and squint.  Meg is standing in front of James all tall, toned, and tan.  She looks one hundred times healthier than me and she’s been dead for years.  “Hey,” I croak and start to sit up.

“Oh hun, don’t get up on account of me,” Meg says, sounding like a southern belle.  She gestures for me to lie back down.  “You look positively miserable.”

I ignore her and adjust my back against the pillow.  “What’s going on?” I ask cautiously.  If Meg is visiting, something must have happened.

James gives me a reassuring glance.  “I forgot I was supposed to meet with someone today.  No big deal.”  He turns his attention to Meg.  “Tell Jack I’ll get with him later.”

“Not an option,” a man says, appearing on the other side of the room.

My mouth falls open in surprise as I take in Garrett’s brother.  He is absolutely identical to Garrett; the only difference is that he has brown eyes instead of turquoise.  He’s dressed in army fatigues, and the last name Abernathy is printed across the left side of his chest.

James stands to face him.  “There’s nothing to discuss.”

“Doesn’t matter.” Jack crosses his arms and approaches the two Guardians.  “We have a schedule.  We stick to it.”  He speaks in a clipped tone, obviously irate.

I notice Meg roll her eyes.

James sighs and tosses the television remote on the coffee table.  “Fine.  I officially have nothing to report to you.  Satisfied?”

Jack’s brown eyes flit to me and then back to James.  His expression hardens making me think I shouldn’t be here, even if this is my apartment.

“This is where you spend your time?” he asks, seemingly irritated.

James gives him a sideways glance.  “You know I’m Emma’s Guardian.”

Jack scowls.  “That doesn’t give you free license.  You know the rules.”

Obviously, Jack does not approve of James spending time with me.  Or is he alluding to the fact that he still loves me?  My hands start to feel clammy.

James stands taller.  “I don’t answer to you.”

Jack takes another step and clenches his teeth.  “I don’t want this mission compromised.”

“And just how is it being compromised?”

Jack’s eyes dart to me again.  He stares at me with contempt as he clenches his jaw.  Inwardly, I cringe.  What have I ever done to this man?

“Look at me,” James says roughly, feeling my anxiety.

Jack focuses on James.  “Keep it in check, Davis,” he threatens.  He takes a step back and then fades as quickly as he appeared.

Meg lets out a low whistle as James turns to me.  “Well, that was fun.”

“Not really,” I say as I adjust my features to look less worried.  “I take it he doesn’t like me?”

“More like he doesn’t like love,” Meg says with a hint of a smile.

“Jack’s wound pretty tight,” James says and then glances at Meg.  “Maybe tighter than usual?”

Meg’s golden brown shoulders rise and fall with a shrug.

“You,” James says as he walks toward me, reaching out to feel my forehead again, “are still really hot.”

Meg giggles.

I can’t help myself, and I shoot her an annoyed look.  Is she laughing at the irony in that statement?  I normally don’t look this terrible.  Wait.  The last time she saw me I was in sweats and a t-shirt.  I sigh.

“Lie down and let the medicine work,” James says.

“Yes, sir,” I say sardonically.  “You know, I’d be asleep by now if your friends would stop dropping by.”  Whoops.  That came out a little harsher than I intended.

James pauses, puzzled by my uncharacteristically bitter tone.

“I’m sorry,” I say quickly and give them both a remorseful glance with my haggard green eyes.  “I’m just tired and I feel gross and Jack was angry…”

“It’s all right, hun,” Meg says and steps beside James, so they’re both hovering over me.  “I’d be ornery too, if I were you.”  She flashes her perfect, dazzling smile.

Man, she’s irritating me today.  It must be the flu.  I shift myself to lie down as James tucks the blanket around me again.  “I’m sorry,” I mouth.  He smiles.

When he stands, Meg turns to him.  “So, when will you be back?” she asks.

“Depends.  I want to make sure Emma is feeling better before I go.”

Meg glances from James to me.  “Do you mind if I stay?  My Ward’s been pretty easy going and I haven’t watched TV in years.”  She looks excited, like she’s just been told fairies exist.

“Um…” I really want to tell her no.

“We’ll be really quiet,” she nods innocently, “and I’ll get you whatever you need.”

What I need is time with James, I think.  But then, what are we really going to do anyway?  I’ll be sleeping while he watches me.  How exciting for him.  “Sure,” I concede.  “Whatever you want.”

“Thank you!” she says enthusiastically, her southern accent growing thicker in her excitement.  She turns to pick up the television remote and hands it to James.  “Show me how this works,” she drawls.

James laughs.  “When were you born again?”

“1950. Now show me how it works.”

Meg and James move opposite me, to stand directly in front of the television.  James launches into his remote tutorial.  “Now this particular set is old, but…”

I close my eyes and try to block them out.  It would be amazing if I could fall asleep instantaneously.  I consider moving to my bedroom, but then decide against it.  This is my place, damn it, and if I want to be sick on my couch I will.

Eventually, I fade into a restless sleep.  I’m brought back to consciousness a few times, by a word or a laugh, the loud sound followed by shushing.  When the volume returns to a whisper, I fall back to sleep only to be woken again.  By the fifth time, I’m over it.  It’s maddening.

“Guys!”  My eyes snap open and I prop myself up.  I find James seated at the opposite end of the couch with Meg leaning against the arm rest, her hand casually resting against his arm.  My eyes narrow and I wish I had the energy to get up and knock it away.  “I. Can’t. Sleep.”  I enunciate each word.

Meg pulls her hand back and stands.  “She’s right.”  She looks at James with remorse.  “We’re not being very polite.”

“You think?” I snap.

She looks at me.  “I’m sorry, Emma.”

“I’m sorry, too,” James says, his eyes registering my feelings.  He’s knows I’m upset.

I’ve really had enough of both of them, which I hate to say because I treasure all of my time with James.  But seriously?  “Why don’t you two just go,” I say and pound my pillow, fluffing it.  “Check on me later.  Garrett should be back any time with the Gatorade.”  I flop back down.

James gets up and stands over me.  “You really want me to go?”

“Yes.  Please.”  I close my eyes in reaction to what I’ve said and then open them again.  “You know what I mean.  I’m just getting more and more irritated the worse I feel.  Please, just go for now.  Check on me tomorrow; I’m sure I’ll feel better by morning.”

James hesitates.  “You’re sure?”

“No,” Meg steps in.  “I’ll go.  You stay.”

“Ugh!”  I pick up the pillow and put it over my head to block them out.  Why don’t we stand around and argue about it?  That will solve everything!

“I’ll see y’all later,” I hear Meg say, her voice muffled by the pillowcase.  I wait a moment and then pull my head out from under the fabric.  James is looking at me, pained.  I sigh.  “What?”

“You haven’t been this angry in a while.”

“I feel like crap.”

He kneels down, so his eyes are level with mine.  “I know.  I’ll stay.”

Really, I just want to sleep.  I look at him sincerely.  “No.  Go do something productive with your time.  I’ll be fine.  You’ll know if I need you, right?”

He nods and then gives in.  “I guess I should be seen, seeing as how Jack was all bent out of shape.”

I pick my head up and lean forward, giving him a soft kiss on the forehead.  “That’s a good Guardian.”

He smirks.

I lay my head down.  “Promise me I’ll see you tomorrow,” I say as I close my eyes.

“I promise,” he says and gives me a quick kiss goodbye.

Incessant ringing wakes me.  When I open my eyes, I know I’ve been asleep for a while because it is pitch black in my apartment; no light shines through the windows.  My cell is lit up on the table, going off like crazy.  I lazily scoot to the edge of the couch and reach for it, squinting when I read the screen.  It’s after nine o’clock and Shel is calling.

“Hello?”  I answer, my voice rough.

“Em?”

“Yeah.”

“What’s wrong with your voice?”

I rub my eye with the heel of my hand.  “I caught some sort of flu bug.  I feel like road kill.”

“Aw.  I’m sorry; I won’t keep you.  I just wanted to let you know that Dane’s birthday is this Saturday, the sixth, and he’s invited Matt and me to a party.”

Fantastic, I think sarcastically.  What do I care?

“You’re invited too, but I didn’t think you would come and neither did Dane, really.  I wanted to let you know in case…”

Her rambling becomes incoherent to me.  Hell would have to freeze over before I would go to Dane’s birthday party.  Has he lost his mind?

“Em?”

“Hmm?”

“Will you be mad?”

“Mad about what?”

“I just asked you if you would be mad if I went and you didn’t say anything.”

I let out an exasperated sigh.  “No, Shel.  I don’t care if you go to Dane’s party.”

She sounds relieved.  “Okay.  I really don’t want to go but Matt’s going, and I have no other choice if I want to see him this weekend.”

Yeah, yeah, I think to myself.

“Plus,” Shel’s voice gets quiet, “I can do a little recon.”

As much as I hate to admit it, I am curious about little Ms. Teagan Meyer.  “You have fun with that,” I say.  I didn’t tell her to find out anything…but I didn’t tell her not to either.

“I’ll let you go, so you can relax,” Shel says sympathetically.  “I hope you feel better soon.”

“Me, too.  Talk to you later.”

“’Kay.  Bye.”

I end the call and toss the phone aside.  Yawning and stretching, I look around in the darkness.  I eye the door and wonder where Garrett is with the Gatorade.  I pull myself off the couch and shuffle my way to use the restroom.  What a waste of a day.

Once in the bathroom, I decide to take a shower because my skin feels sticky.  Maybe I can wash away this sickness.  I stand under the warm water, allowing it to beat against my neck, shoulders, and back.  It feels comforting.  When my skin is sufficiently pruny, I get out and change into a fresh t-shirt and sleep shorts, deciding to spend the rest of the night in my bed.  The sheets feel cool against my warm skin, and I snuggle into them, allowing my mind to fade and drift.  You would think there would be no more sleep to be had, but I slip into unconsciousness again.  This time is different though, as my mind weaves a dream out of the day’s events.

“You look beautiful.”

The skin of my exposed neck tingles as I hear Dane’s voice behind me.  I turn and feel something brush against me, low on my legs, and look down to see I’m wearing a floor-length coral gown.  Its strapless, with an empire waist, and it’s covered with a flowered lace overlay.  Delicate rose appliqués of the same coral color are scattered over the bodice and throughout the full skirt.  I place my hands on my hips and swing from side to side for a moment.  The soft chiffon moves with me, back and forth, mimicking the motion of a bell.  I’ve never worn anything so elegant.

I lift my eyes to find Dane walking toward me.  He wears a black tuxedo vest over a white dress shirt, which is tucked meticulously into a pair of black pants.  The collar of his shirt and the next few buttons are undone, and he carries a black necktie in one hand and his tuxedo jacket in the other.  “Can you help me with this?” he asks, grinning.

I smile as he approaches me, and I reach out toward him.  When he’s within arm’s length, I set my hands against his shirt and scrutinize the small clear buttons.  No wonder he’s having a hard time.  I fasten the first, the second, and the third, making my way up his chest.  When I reach his collar, the shirt is tight around his neck, and I have to wrestle with it a bit.  I press my body against his as I concentrate on pushing the button through the fabric without choking him.  He sets his hands on my waist to steady me, still clutching the tie and his jacket, and my heart begins to pound.  Even with the added items between us, I still feel like he’s touching my bare skin.

When I get the button fastened and lean back, he releases me and hooks one finger over his collar, trying to stretch and loosen it.  He hands me the tie, and I loop it around his neck, tying it into a Windsor knot.  “Thank you for doing this,” he says as I diligently work.

I smile into his chest.  I don’t know when I learned to tie a necktie, but I appear to be very good at it.  I tighten the knot under his collar and then smooth the tie, tucking it into his vest.  I step back to admire my work and to admire…well, him.  His dark brown hair is perfectly styled to look carefree, his jawline hints of a five o’clock shadow, and his hazel eyes soften as they gaze at me.

He swings the jacket around his shoulders and shrugs it on, fastening the one button at the waist.  The jacket fits him perfectly, like it was made specifically for him, cut to accentuate his broad shoulders and narrow waist.  He turns to his right to check his attire in a floor-length mirror and make any necessary adjustments.  “Teagan doesn’t have many friends,” he says to my reflection.  “It means so much to us that you agreed to be a bridesmaid.”

Over his shoulder, I catch my surprised reaction in the mirror and quickly adjust my features.  I look down to avoid his eyes and find there is a boutonniere in my hand.  A single coral rose and off-white calla lily are wound with ribbon.  “Do you mind?” he says, appearing in front of me.

I look up and force a tiny smile, pulling the stickpin from the boutonniere and placing the flowers against his lapel.  I work the pin through the fabric and the ribbon, securing it in place.  I continue to look at the flowers as I step away from him, afraid to meet his eyes because tears linger behind mine.

“Em,” he says my name gently, stepping forward.  He places his fingers beneath my chin to lift my gaze; his fingers are hot against my skin.  He searches my face and then moves his hand to touch a tendril of hair that has fallen from my messy chignon.  He starts to lean in to me and I close my eyes, expecting a kiss.  Instead he whispers in my ear, “You had your chance.”

I quickly turn away, so he won’t see the tears that fall down my face.  I keep my eyes closed for few brief seconds and when I open them, I find myself standing in a large church, at the altar, in line with two other girls dressed identical to me.  Looking out over the congregation, I see the pews are packed shoulder to shoulder with guests.  My hands clench from nervousness, and I feel a sharp pinch against my ring finger.  I pull my hand away and look down, realizing I’ve cut myself on a thorn from one of the roses in my bouquet.

The minister’s voice booms, redirecting my attention.  “I now pronounce you husband and wife.  You may kiss the bride!”

My eyes fall on Dane as he and his new wife turn to face one another.  I take in the sight of her back; she is overflowing in tulle, the train of her dress spilling down the steps of the altar to the floor.  The same rose appliqués that are on my dress dot hers, only in white, and her shiny brown hair is artfully swept around a sparkling tiara that sits on the crown of her head.  Dane leans forward and kisses her romantically, swinging her to the side and dipping her low.  The entire church erupts in thunderous applause.

“Don’t you just want to cry?” I hear Shel ask from beside me.  I snap my head to the left, shocked to see her standing next to me in the same coral gown.  She wears a beaming smile and tears of happiness roll down her cheeks.

I turn my attention to the bride and groom just in time to see Dane release her from their kiss.  She rights herself, and I can see her shoulders shaking with laughter.  She twists her body to grab her flowers from the first bridesmaid in line and catches my eye.  I inhale sharply when I see her face.  It’s not Teagan.  It’s Meg.

My knees crumple beneath me, and I catch myself on the altar step, crushing my bouquet in the process.  The wedding guests continue their rousing applause as Meg grasps Dane’s hand and leads him down the stairs. They pause as a photographer jumps into the aisle to take their picture.  When he moves out of the way, Meg glances over her shoulder and meets my wide-eyed stare.  She is several feet away from me, but I still hear her loud and clear.  “Oh hun,” she says with a sickly sweet smile, “don’t get up on account of me.”

The guests continue to applaud the happy couple and it roars in my ears.  As they descend the aisle, I hold my head in my hands.  I can sense the people leaving the church to follow the newlyweds.  Slowly the clapping dies down until one lone person is left, their applause bouncing off the hollow church walls.  I raise my head to find James, alone in the front pew, bringing his hands together methodically as if clapping with sarcasm.  He stares at me with disdain and it breaks my heart.

My eyes fly open and I spring up, breathing heavily.  I look around my bedroom, trying to focus, and hear a frantic banging at the front door.  Startled by the noise and my dream, I untangle myself from the sheets and scramble out of bed as fast as I can.  When I head through the living room, I flip the light switch, and then throw open the door.  I catch Garrett mid-knock, and he almost loses his balance.

“Emma!  Good grief!  I was so worried.”

The light hurts my eyes and I blink rapidly.  I glance at his arms and he’s carrying two large bottles of red Gatorade.  I step away from the door, so he can come inside.

“I stopped by twice tonight,” he says, walking forward.  “If you didn’t answer this time I was calling an ambulance.”

I give him a tired smile.  “I was sleeping.”

He takes the initiative and walks through my apartment and into the kitchen.  I follow as he places the plastic bottles inside the refrigerator door.  “You know, I had no idea what Gatorade even was,” he says.  He shuts the fridge.  “From the looks of the label it can’t be any better than my chicken noodle soup.”  He pauses.  “How are you feeling?”

I shrug and remain mute.  I have no words for today.

“Have you been crying?” he asks, moving toward me.

I feel my cheeks.  They’re tacky.  “I had a bad dream,” I say quietly.

“Come here,” he says and moves past me, grabbing my hand as he does.  I follow along lamely, too drained to care.

He leads me to my bedroom and then stands aside, gesturing toward the bed.  I crawl in and pull the sheet over my body, pressing my head against the pillow.  He leans over me.  “Do you trust me?”

I nod.  Of course I do.

He places his hands on my head again, like he did before on the first day of classes.  “I know this isn’t reiki,” I mumble.

“Really?” he smirks at me.  “Close your eyes.”

I do as I’m told.  A very tiny, very brief wave of cool air flows through my body from my head to my toes, relaxing me instantly.

“Go to sleep,” Garrett says.  “Dream no more.”

Chapter 12

“Well, when are you coming home to visit?”

I stir my chicken noodle soup around the bowl with my spoon.  I should head home for a weekend soon.  I miss my family.  “I’m not sure.  When do you want me?”

“Before Thanksgiving,” my mother says, her voice dripping with sarcasm.  “Wait.”  I hear papers being shuffled in the background.  “The community center is having their Halloween party for the kids in two weeks.  I’ve been roped into helping again this year.”

I roll my eyes.  My mother is never roped into anything.  She just can’t say no.

“We need volunteers; it’s a Wizard of Oz theme.  What do you say?”

Hanging out with a bunch of cute little kids and my mom?  I think I can swing that.  “Sure.  Put me down.”

“Great!  Now who do you want to be?”

“What do you mean?”

“Who do you want to be?  All the volunteers are dressing up.  Pick a character.”

“I have to dress up?”  I make a face.  I don’t own anything Wizard of Ozish.  “What are my choices?  Who are you going to be?”

My mom laughs.  “Auntie Em.”

Aw.  That’s fitting, although I kind of think I should be Em since I’m, well, Em.

“You don’t have to decide now,” my mom says.  “Actually, let me get with Sophia and look at the sign-up sheet.  I’ll let you know what’s left.  A local theater group is supplying the costumes.”

“That’s cool,” I say and take a sip off my spoon.  The soup is starting to get cold.  “Hey, can I call you back later?  My dinner is getting cold.”

“Of course,” she says.  “I’m glad to hear you’re feeling better and eating.”

I smile into the phone.  My mom always wants to make sure I’m eating.  “I’m almost one hundred percent.”

It’s been four days since the onset of the craptastic flu.  By the second day, I caved and called my mom whining about my sickness.  She directed me to bed, the use of cold compresses, flat Coke to settle my stomach, and the consumption of clear fluids and Jell-O.  I recruited Garrett’s help by asking him to pick up some items from the store.  He did so and more.  He made me a pot of his homemade chicken noodle soup, and he’s been camped on my couch since Thursday night to make sure I’m okay.  It’s now Saturday, and he still sits in my living room, flipping the channels between baseball games.

“I’ll talk to you soon.  Love you,” my mom says.

“Love you, too,” I say and hang up.  I carefully lift the soup bowl and carry it into the living room from the kitchen, setting it down on the coffee table.

“Was that your mom?” Garrett asks.

I nod as I sit cross-legged on the floor so I’m level with the table.  “Yes.  I have to pick a character from the Wizard of Oz to dress up as for a Halloween party.  Who should I be?”

He tilts his head and smiles.  “I was fifteen when that movie came out and so in love with Judy Garland.”

I laugh then try to look serious.  “I’m shocked.  What would Amelia say?”

He grins.  “How’s that saying go?  What you don’t know can’t hurt you?”

I smile as I chew.  The soup is really good.  “You know, you should open a restaurant when you’re human.  I know I’ve only tried the two soups, but I can’t imagine anything you make would be bad.”

“Thanks,” he says and leans forward, propping his elbows on his knees.  “I’ve actually considered it.”  He looks at the television for a few moments and then back at me.  “I’m going to have to get a job eventually, right?”

“Aren’t we all?” I say and swallow another spoonful.  Suddenly, I remember that I need to pay Garrett for the things he’s picked up for me.  “How much money do I owe you?” I gesture with my spoon toward the soup.

“For what?”

“For the soup and all the other supplies.”

He brushes me off.  “You don’t owe me anything.”

“Yes, I do,” I say adamantly.  “That’s not fair.”

He eyes me.  “You were in no condition to be running to the store.  Consider it a favor.”

I shake my head and get to my feet.  “Let me pay you.”

“It’s really okay,” he says.  “It wasn’t that much.”

I pause for a moment and try to calculate in my head everything he’s purchased.  If you add in the ingredients for the soup it has to be at least forty dollars.  I turn and walk into the kitchen to grab my wallet out of my purse.

“I know what you’re doing,” he half-yells to me.  “I won’t take your money!”

“Yes you will!” I half-yell back to him.  I reach for my wallet and as I open it up, my cell chimes against the counter.  I look at it.

Wish you were here.

It’s from Shel.  There’s a picture attached, and I touch it to make it bigger.  I’m greeted with smiles from both her and Matt as they pose together at Dane’s party, dressed for a night out and seated at what looks like a restaurant table.  Shel leans against Matt’s arm and beams.  They look so cute.  I text back You guys look nice then slide my phone into my back pocket.  I take two twenty dollar bills out of my wallet and head back to the living room.

“Take this.”  I hand the money to Garrett.

He ignores me.

“I’m serious!”

He changes the channel with the remote.

“I’ll feel bad if you don’t take it,” I say.

He looks at me annoyed.  He plucks the money from my fingers and tosses it on the table instead of putting it in his pocket.

I cross my arms.  “I didn’t mean literally.”

“Has anybody ever told you that you’re stubborn?” he asks.

My mind flashes to both James and Dane, making me sigh.  “Yes.”

My cell sounds again, from my jeans pocket, and I pull it out.  There’s another picture from Shel with the caption Operation recon in full effect.  I tap the image and the picture grows larger, revealing a distant and crooked photo of Dane and a woman who must be Teagan.  They stand side by side, just in front of a door surrounded by people.  The lighting is dim, and it’s not a very clear shot.  I squint to make out her features.

“What’s so interesting?” Garrett asks.

“Nothing, really.”  I close the picture and hope Shel can get a better shot.  I pause.  Do I really care?  Unfortunately, yes.  Yes I do.

I turn my attention back to the money exchange and threaten Garrett, pointing at the cash.  “I’m going to find a way to make you take that.”

He gives me a condescending look that says, “I’d like to see you try.”  I give up for now and take a seat to finish my dinner.  I curl my legs to the side and set my elbow on the table.  “If you’re so rich, maybe I should start charging you rent.”  I raise my eyebrows.  “You have been here for two days straight.”

He smirks and then stands.  “I guess I’ll be going then.”  He takes a step toward the door.

“No!” I sit up.  “I was kidding.  Sit back down; I’m not fully well yet.”  I really have enjoyed his company.  The days go by so much faster when you have someone else to talk to besides the cat.  James did come back the day after I got sick, like he promised, but he only stayed for a few hours.

Garrett takes a seat, pretending to be inconvenienced, then turns to me with kind eyes.  “It does get pretty lonely, doesn’t it?”

I nod.  Sometimes I forget that he’s all alone too, on top of becoming mortal.  “Is it hard?” I ask.  “Becoming human?”

He pauses, thinking.  “Not physically, no.  I think mentally, wrapping your mind around the things you’re giving up and the things you have to relearn, is the hardest part.”

My cell goes off, and I pull it from my pocket.  “Sorry,” I apologize.  I see Shel has sent another picture and the message reads And I love him why?  The picture is of Matt, who has decided to put drink stirs up his nose.  I laugh and then show Garrett the picture.  “This is why you chose to become human again, isn’t it?”

He chuckles.  “For sure.”

I take another look at Matt and shake my head, then lower the phone.  “So why did you decide to do it?” I ask, intrigued.

“That’s simple,” he says.  “For a chance to live the life that was taken from me.”

I frown.  “But will it be the same without…her?”

“There’s more to being human than being in love,” he says without hesitation.  “But no, it won’t be the same.  She can never be replaced.”  He pauses.  “Maybe I will find love again.  Get married and have a family.  Or maybe I won’t.  But that’s the point.  I have a second chance.  I can make this life whatever I want it to be.”

His ruminations make me smile.

“Do you want to know what I’ve missed the most?” he asks.

“What?”

“The taste of food.”  He grins.  “Physically touching and actually feeling.  Sleeping again.  There’s something to be said for the satisfied feeling of a full stomach and good night’s rest.”

I agree.  “Those are good things.  I think I would add taking hot showers to the list, too.”

“Yes!”  His eyes light up.  “And changing clothes!  Although, I’m not too fond of doing laundry.”  He makes a face.  “I’m not very good at it.  First I had to figure out the washing machine and which soap to use, and now I’m wearing pink underwear due to someone’s misplaced red sock.”

The image of Garrett in pale pink tightie whities nearly makes me lose the soup in my mouth through my nose.  It hurts trying to contain my laughter, and I grab my sides.

Garrett pretends to be offended.  “It’s not that funny.”

My cell interrupts us again, and I manage to swallow, blinking away the tears from my hysterics.  I look at the screen and another picture from Shel is waiting.  I open it and immediately crash from my laughter high.  It’s a clearer image of Teagan.  How do I know it’s her?  Because I’ve seen her before.  She’s the same girl in the framed photo that I saw on Dane’s side table, the one I saw after the incident with Mrs. Davis last summer.  The same picture of him with his arm draped around a beautiful girl, a girl I thought could be a sister.  I don’t know how Shel took such a close photo unnoticed, but I can clearly see Teagan’s long raven black hair, dark almond shaped eyes, gorgeous lashes, and full, pouty lips.  She could be a model.  She appears exactly as she did in the photo of her I’ve already seen.  I guess back then Dane wasn’t trying to hide anything from me.  But what did he expect me to do?  Ask him about the girl in the picture?  I remember him giving me permission to snoop around his apartment when he left.  I mentally kick myself for not taking him up on that offer.

“Tell me again what’s so great about being human?” I ask Garrett quietly.

He looks at me concerned, and I show him the picture.  “Dane’s fiancée,” I say.

He gives me a sympathetic look.  “You were curious?” he asks in an effort to understand.

“I tried not to be.”  I close the picture and tuck my phone under my leg.  “Avoiding all things Dane is easier said than done.  Especially when your best friends are his friends too.”

“It sounds like he may be a part of your life whether you like it or not,” Garrett says wisely.

I never thought about it that way.  Being friends with Matt and Shel will inevitably have me running into Dane from time to time.  I won’t be able to avoid him forever.

“You know,” he says, “maybe Dane was meant to be in your life.  Did you ever consider that?”

I roll my eyes sarcastically.  Riiiiight.  The phone chimes under my leg.  “Geez!”  I complain.  “I’m just going to turn it off.”  I don’t want to see any more pictures of Teagan.

I pull the phone out and, yes, there again is another image from Shel.  I can tell it’s not Teagan though, and reluctantly I touch the screen.  A picture of Dane enlarges before me, and it’s a close-up.  He must be sitting down because his forearm rests against a table, and the frame is filled with his face and torso.  He looks directly into the camera, wearing an apologetic expression, and he holds a small white napkin over his forearm so it’s clearly in view of Shel, but not anyone else.  There, in black and white, is a message just for me:

I miss you.

Chapter 13

Putting a cat in a pet carrier should not be this hard!  You would think I was trying to murder her.

“C’mon LB!”  I wrestle with her as she twists her body in my hands.  “Do you really want to stay here alone?”

I’m attempting to leave Kalamazoo for home.  Tomorrow is the Halloween party I promised to help with, and I get to dress up as a citizen of the Emerald City.  I’m a little worried about it because I remember the movie costumes being a bit bizarre, but at least I didn’t get stuck with Toto.  All the other popular choices were taken.

LB lands a good scratch on my forearm, and I let her go.  “Dang it!”  She runs to hide under the bed as blood starts to slowly seep from two of the three claw marks.  I groan in frustration and pull myself off the floor to find a Band Aid.  I’m starting to think she will be okay here by herself for a few days.

While I apply some antiseptic to my wound, I hear three distinct thumps on the wall that separates my apartment from Garrett’s.  We’ve been communicating this way since last week, when he decided to move back to his place after I survived the flu and he dropped a stack of books against the wall.  The sound was so loud I thought he was being attacked and went running over there.  Turns out he was just being clumsy, but we discovered a cool way to say hi every now and again.  I peel the paper from a Band Aid and press it to my skin as I walk into the kitchen.  I give the wall three good thumps back which are meant to say “Hi.  I’m still here.”  I look around the kitchen and grab two breakfast bars I left on the counter to take with me for snacks for the road.  I knew I was forgetting something.

I head to my room and place the bars in my backpack, then zip it up.  I have some clothes left at home, and I don’t need to bring much with me other than a few toiletries and my homework – and LB.  She’s still hiding underneath the bed.  I bend down, pull back the bed skirt, and let my eyes roam the darkness until I see hers.  “Come out of there, you,” I say.  “Don’t you want to go see Grandma and Grandpa?”  Lord, if anyone heard me they would think I was insane.  LB thinks I’m crazy too, because she hisses at me.  She has never done that before.  What a stinker!

I sit back on my heels.  I need to get going, and I don’t feel like forcing her out of there and making her even angrier.  I look to my left and think of Garrett on the other side of the wall.  I bet he would agree to feed her while I’m gone.  “Looks like you might get your way LB,” I say as I stand.  I walk out of my apartment and over to Garrett’s, grabbing his door handle and letting myself in.  This is another thing we’ve started since having the conversation about feeling lonely.  We leave our doors unlocked during the day, so we can come and go between each other’s places.  Of course we let one another know we’re home by the thumps.  It’s just easier.

“Hey,” I say as I enter the apartment, looking around the door.  “I was wondering if…” I stop short.  Garrett, Thomas, and another woman are standing in the living area.  “I’m sorry,” I immediately apologize.  “I’ll come back later.”

“No, it’s okay,” Garrett says.  He looks between me and the other Guardians.  “You already know Thomas and this is Joslyn,” he introduces us.

Thomas smiles his fatherly smile and raises his hand to wave.  When he does, he also raises Joslyn’s hand because he holds hers firmly in his.  She laughs and pulls her hand away, giving me her own small wave.  “Happy to meet you, Emma,” she says.  “You can call me Joss.”

Does everyone know who I am?  I feel like there must be a poster of me somewhere in the Intermediate.  “Hi.” I nod, embarrassed for interrupting.  I look at Garrett.  “I didn’t know you having a meeting, so I’ll just…”

“Oh, stay,” Joss says and walks forward, holding her hand out to me.  Her black hair is peppered with gray, and she wears it in a bun on the top of her head.  She’s about my height, and has on black slacks, heels, and a bright royal blue blouse with a cowl neck.  Her complexion is peaches and cream which, paired with the blouse, make her gray eyes sparkle.  “Let’s talk while the boys conduct business.”

She grasps my hand, and I allow her to lead me to my old loveseat.  Thomas and Garrett resume their discussion and Joss looks at me warmly.  What could she possibly want to talk to me about?  I really need to get on the road.

“So,” she says, patting my hand, “what are you up to today?”

I give her a confused stare.  “Um…I’m going home for the weekend?”  My statement sounds more like a question than a fact.

She smiles.  “Do you have big plans?”

“Nooo.”  I look over my shoulder to send Garrett a questioning glance.  He just smiles at me and continues speaking with Thomas.  I turn back to Joss.  “I’m helping my mom with some volunteer work.”

“That’s nice.”  She sounds genuinely excited.  “What will you be doing?”

“Helping out at a Halloween party for little kids.”

“Oh!”  She releases my hand and places hers against her chest.  “That sounds darling!  I miss doing things like that.”

Okay, I get it now.  She misses being human.  I relax and give her a smile.

“Actually, it’s my grandkids that I miss,” she says.  “Helping them get all dressed up for Halloween.”

“How many grandchildren do you have?”

“Eleven.”  She beams.  “And one on the way.”

I can’t help myself and an “awww” escapes.  I can’t wait for my brother and Kate to get married and start having kids.

“I miss them,” she sighs.  “The feel of their little hugs, my refrigerator covered in artwork.  I used to spoil them rotten.”

“I bet.”

“That’s actually what drew the two of us together,” Thomas pipes up, leaning over the back of the loveseat and into our conversation.  “The discussions about our grandkids.”  He looks at Joss like a love-struck teenager, and I get the feeling if she could blush, she would.

Wait.  “Are you two dating?”  The question is out before I can think twice.

Joss laughs.  “You could call it that,” she says.  “Who knew you could find the love of your life after you’re no longer living?”

What?  The idea never crossed my mind that Guardians could fall in love with each other.

Thomas leans forward and plants a kiss on Joss’ temple.  She smiles at him and then shoos him away.  I’m sure I look stupefied.

She leans in to me conspiratorially.  “Fat lot of good I did marrying all those husbands.  No wonder none of them would release me.”

I blink and rearrange my face.  “How many husbands did you have?”

She shakes her head and chuckles.  “Five.”

“Five?”

“And none of them compared to me,” Thomas boasts.

“Would you go away?” Joss teases.  “We’re trying to have a nice talk.”

I smile at Thomas.  The two of them are so cute.  He listens to his woman and retreats a few steps.

“So,” Joss says, “what about you and Garrett?  Will you be having children?”

Whoa!  Where did that question come from?  “Ah, no.”  I blush and look at Garrett, my expression panicked.

“Joss,” Garrett steps in quickly.  “Emma is with James, remember?”

Joss looks between Garrett and I, puzzled.  “I thought James was her Guardian?”

“He is,” Garrett says.  He smiles at me apologetically.

“But I thought he and…”

“Emma,” Garrett interrupts her.  “Did you need something?”

“Yes,” I say and stand.  This is the perfect opportunity to get out of this awkwardness.  “LB is giving me a hard time about the carrier; I can’t get her into it.”  I flash my forearm.  “Could you feed her for me until I get back on Sunday?  I don’t feel like wrestling with her anymore.”

“Sure.  The food is…?”

“Under the kitchen cabinet.  I’ll feed her today; you’ll just have to do it tomorrow and Sunday.”

“Got it.”

I start to make my way toward the door.  “I’ll bring my key over to you in a few minutes.”  I turn to say goodbye to Thomas and Joss.  “I really have to get going; it’s a three hour drive back home.  It was nice talking with you.”

“You too.”  Joss gives me a genuine smile.  “We’ll have to do it again sometime.”  She eyes the boys.  “With just us girls.”

I laugh.  “Sure.”

“Drive safe,” Thomas says as I reach the door.

“Thanks, I will.”  I open the door and step outside.  “I’ll be back in a sec with my key,” I tell Garrett.

“Sounds good.”

I close the door behind me and walk to my apartment, shaking my head.  That was one of the weirdest conversations I’ve had in awhile.  Finding out Guardians can fall in love?  The idea of Garrett and me together?  I almost laugh out loud.  He’s a nice guy and all but...

I open my door and LB comes running.  “Oh, now you come out,” I chastise her.  I bend down and pet her roughly along the sides of her body.  “Don’t worry.  You’re staying here.”

Well, Auntie Em looks great.  I look ridiculous.

When I arrived home on Friday, my mom hit me with the news.  Someone named Mildred had to back out of the Halloween party because apparently her dog, Fluffnstuff, was ill.  I couldn’t stop laughing from the name.  Fluffnstuff?  Seriously?  My dad proceeded to make a lame joke about the dog being sick because it ate some fluff…and stuff, which pushed my giggle fit to new heights.  But the really funny part was that I was now bestowed the honor of dressing up as the Wicked Witch of the West.  When my mother first produced the costume from my old closet, it wasn’t too bad.  Just a basic black dress with a black witch’s hat and a broomstick.  It was the green face paint, wiry wig, and prosthetic wart that made me cringe.

“You have to wear it,” my mom said.  “What’s a Wizard of Oz party without the Wicked Witch?”

And now I stand here, behind one end of a snack table, watching all the little kids line up as far away from me as possible.  I scare them and rightfully so.

I look around the community center teaming with people.  They really go all out for this event.  There’s a DJ, several trick-or-treating stations, a bounce house, face painting, multiple games, and four refreshment tables.  During a lull in the snack activity, I ask my mom to take a picture of me with my phone to send to Shel.  She’s going to crack up.

“This is priceless!” my mom laughs when she looks at the picture.  “Send it to me, too.”

I shake my head and set to messaging when I hear someone ask, “Would you like a picture of the both of you?”

My head snaps up, and I meet the eyes of the Scarecrow.  Except it’s not just the Scarecrow.  It’s Dane.

“Sure, that would be nice.”  My mom smiles and steps to my side, putting her arm around my waist to pose.

If my face wasn’t covered with green makeup I’m positive it would be flaming red.  My heart feels like it wants to beat out of my chest.  What is he doing here?  He holds out his hand for my phone, and I tentatively place it in his palm.  His gives me a tiny smile and holds the phone up to take the picture, centering us on the screen.

“Ready?” he asks.

“Yep,” my mom says, hugging my waist.  I do my best to force a smile and hear the audible click as he presses the shutter.

My mother steps away from me.  “Dane?  Is that you?”

“Unfortunately.”  He lets out an embarrassed laugh.  “How are you Mrs. Donohue?”

“Great!” she says.  Dane is one of my mother’s favorite people, seeing as how he helped take out Patrick when he attacked me last summer.  She turns to me.  “Did you know he was going to be volunteering tonight?”

I shake my head.  My mom isn’t aware that Dane and I aren’t speaking.

She turns back to him.  “I didn’t see your name on the sign-up sheet.”

“That’s because I’m filling in for Teag –” He stops and his eyes dart to me.  “For a friend’s dad.”

I avoid his stare.  A little boy dressed as Batman comes to the table thirsty.  I busy myself ladling him some punch.

“There you are!” a bubbly voice says.  I look up to find Dorothy, aka Teagan, approach us all decked out in a blue gingham dress, ruby red slippers, and pigtails.  My stomach drops.  It figures she would be dressed as Dorothy and I her nemesis.  “Connor, I told you to stay with the group,” she says sweetly to the little boy.  “Go stand over there to play the game,” she directs him to a nearby beanbag toss.  She stands up straight, leans in to Dane, and smiles at my mother and me.  “Who are your friends?” she asks.

Dane clears his throat.  “This is Mrs. Donohue and…”

I don’t know what comes over me, but I have the overwhelming urge to introduce myself to Teagan.  Maybe I just want to see Dane squirm, to make him pay for lying to me.  “I’m Emmmma,” I say as sickly sweet as I possibly can.  What’s that saying?  Kill them with kindness?  “You’re Teagan, right?  It’s so nice to finally meet you!  You look great.”  I nod, indicating her costume.

Teagan narrows her eyes at me infinitesimally.  She keeps her smile plastered on her face, but I can see her body tense.  “Thank you!” she says, her response equally as fake as mine.  “How do you know Dane again?”

“Hasn’t he mentioned me?” I ask, wide-eyed.  “We spent a lot of time together over the summer.”

She tilts her head reflexively and her smile wavers.

“Working at the golf course,” I lean forward and clarify.

“Oh, that’s right!”  She looks up at Dane.  “This is Matt’s friend; the one you sent the furniture to.”

She knows about that?

“The one you said couldn’t afford to get herself anything new.”  She fakes sympathy for me with an exaggerated pout.

Did she just call me poor?

Dane speaks up.  “No.  I never said –”

“You must be mistaken,” I cut him off, feeling the need to set her straight.  “The furniture was a birthday gift.”

Teagan forces an obnoxious laugh.  “How silly of me!  I must have forgotten.”  She smiles, but her eyes shoot daggers.  “Now I remember you.  Your picture on the Bay Woods website doesn’t do you justice.”  Her look is smug as her eyes roam my body.  “You look so much prettier in person.”

Really?!  She wants to call me poor and ugly?  It’s time to bring out the big guns.  I maintain my sugary tone.  “And you look just like your picture in Dane’s apartment.”  I look directly at him.  “You remember, right?  I saw it the night you took me to your place?”

I can feel Teagan’s eyes boring into me, and Dane looks slightly pale.  I must have a death wish, because I add, “You know.  The night you tried to kiss me for the first time?”

My eyes skip to Teagan, and she finally loses the smile.  Her jaw flexes, and she moves her right hand to her left, noticeably playing with her engagement ring.  Hmmm.  I’ve found a way to get under her skin.  “I don’t remember it being there after that, though,” I continue, feigning confusion.  “But then again, we didn’t spend much time in the living room.”

I can feel both Dane and my mother staring at me in shock.  Teagan’s snobbery has unleashed something inside of me that I can’t control and, little do they know, there is so much more that I could reveal.

“Emma,” my mom politely interrupts our tense conversation.  “We really should get back to…”

“Yes,” Teagan releases me from her death stare.  “We should be getting back to the kids.”  She flashes my mom a smile and obnoxiously loops her arm through Dane’s.  “It was nice to meet you, Mrs. Donohue,” she says, intentionally neglecting to tell me the same.

My mother nods although I can tell she’s not impressed.  I glance at Dane before he’s led away, and he looks amused, almost like he approves – like he’s just seen the most entertaining thing ever.  It irritates the hell out of me.

“That was quite the performance,” my mom says after they’ve gone.  “I didn’t know you could be so dramatic.  Care to let me in on what’s going on?”

I sigh, finally relaxing my shoulders.  “Dane and I…we’re not friends anymore.”

“Apparently.”

“We got close…”

“Hence the kissing?”  She raises her eyebrows at me.

I blush under my green skin.  “Turns out he was engaged the whole time.  I just found out.”

“Engaged?  To that sassy thing?”  My mom blanches.  She steps over to me and raises her hand.  “Give me five.”

I slap her hand.  “For what?”

“The way you handled that…” she drifts off and wraps her arm around my shoulder.  “That’s my girl.”

After the party ends I head to the restroom to change out of my costume, removing my wig and my wart, but leaving the green face.  It’s too complicated to remove with paper towel; I’ll just deal with it when I get home.  I pull on my comfy jeans and sweatshirt then carefully pack the black dress and accessories.  Slinging my bag over my shoulder, I make my way to find my mother and help with the clean-up.  I find her standing behind our snack station, studying her phone with a smirk.

“What’s up?” I ask.

She looks at me.  “Are you missing something?”

I frown.  “I don’t think so.”  I look behind me to make sure I didn’t drop anything.

“Your phone perhaps?”

Awww, crap.  I turn to her slowly.  “Dane still has it.”

She nods and hands her cell to me so I can read the message.

Mrs. Donohue please ask Emma to meet me in the parking lot.  I have her phone.  Thanks.

I pull out the best wounded puppy dog expression I can muster.  “Can you go get it for me?” I beg.

She laughs.  “You know that only works on your father.”  She plucks the phone out of my hands.  “You can do it.  Now go.”

My face twists.  “You are the worst mother ever,” I say dramatically, slamming my bag down on the table.

She smiles sweetly at me and starts to pack up the cups we didn’t use.  I sigh and start to make my way to the front door, wishing I could just let him keep the damn thing.  If I didn’t have to pay to replace it and lose all my contacts and pictures…

“Emma?”

I turn.  “What?”

“You might want to take that paint off your face.”

Ugh!  I change direction and march back toward the restroom.

“I’m not such a terrible mother now, am I?” my mom calls behind me.

I push open the bathroom door and head for the paper towel.  I yank a bunch from the dispenser and run the towels under hot water.  I start to wipe my face, but the green makeup is dried on and giving me a hard time.  It takes several wipes in one spot just to see the skin underneath.  I abandon the paper towel for a moment, squirt some soap into my hands, and rub my entire face.  This turns my fingers green, too.  At home I applied the makeup with a sponge, so I didn’t have this irritating problem!  I move to grab some fresh towels, run them under the hot water, and start wiping again.  The soap helps, taking off the majority of the paint, but not all of it.  By the third wipe down, my skin is starting to feel raw from the paper towel, yet my face still carries a slight green hue.  Oh well, I think, and toss the towels in the trash.  So you’re green.  Get over it.  I glance at my hair, which is still pulled back from being tucked under the wig, and I remove the pins and release my ponytail.  I quickly run my fingers through it.  There.  Maybe that will hide some of my pea green skin.

I make my way to the front doors of the community center and step outside.  It’s a busy place.  The DJ loads his equipment into a nearby van and several people pass me, entering and exiting the building as they pack up and say good night.  I walk into the parking lot and frown.  Where is Dane?  My eyes sweep from left to right.  Did I take too long washing my face?

I cross my arms against my chest.  It’s cold out here.  I decide to head to my right and look down a few rows of cars.  Why does he have to make this difficult?

“Hey.”

I spin around.  Dane pushes himself off the wall of the community center to walk toward me.  He’s no longer dressed as the Scarecrow.  His straw hair hat and patchwork costume are gone and have been replaced with a chocolate brown leather jacket and dark denim.  His complexion is clear of the stitch marks that were drawn on his cheeks, and his nose is no longer a faux black triangle.  As he comes closer, I can see that his jaw is set and his eyes burn.  I must have pushed things too far earlier.  Maybe it’s a good thing I’m already green because my stomach has twisted itself into knots.

“You may have single-handedly ruined my engagement,” he says.

I open my mouth to…what?  Defend myself?  Apologize?  Does he even deserve an apology?

He stops walking when our bodies are inches apart.  He stares down at me, and before I can utter a word he says, “Thank you,” and lowers his lips to mine.

Chapter 14

“What are you doing?” I push him away.  “Are you insane?”

“Not last I checked.”

I step back and look around, half expecting Teagan to appear out of nowhere.  “Just give me my phone.”

“Emma…”

“I said give me my phone!”

He plants his feet and crosses his arms.  “No.”

I stare at him in disbelief.  “What do you mean no?”

“We need to talk,” he says.

I shoot him an irritated look.  Since he isn’t carrying my cell, it must be in one of his pockets.  I step forward, reaching for his left jacket pocket, and he sidesteps me.  I quickly change direction and go for his other side, but his hand swiftly catches my wrist.  I instantly try to pull away, but he holds on to it firmly.  I give him a stern look.  “Let me go.”

“Not until we talk.”

“I have nothing to say to you.”

One side of his mouth twitches.  “I doubt that.”

We stare at each other, and the longer he looks at me the more his eyes soften.  I sigh and relax my arm.  “I need to go back inside and help.”

He tilts his head.  “No, you don’t.”

“Yes, I do.”

He looks above me for a moment, and I can see his eyes searching the parking lot.  “C’mon,” he says as he starts to pull me in the direction I came from.

“Could you let go of my arm?” I ask.

He glances over his shoulder.  “What do you think I am?  Stupid?”

I flash a sweet smile.  “Do you really want me to answer that?”

He rolls his eyes and faces forward, towing me toward the entrance of the community center.  I spot my mother carrying a tote a few feet into the parking lot.

“Mrs. Donohue!” Dane calls to her.

She stops and glances around to see who’s shouting her name.  When she sees us approaching, she sets down the heavy tote and waits for us to join her.

“Hi,” Dane greets her.  “I need to borrow Emma for the night, if that would be okay.”

What?!  That is so not okay!

My mom crosses her arms and assesses Dane from head to toe, then looks at me.  I mouth the word “no” to her and barely shake my head, so he won’t see.  I immediately know from her expression what her answer will be, and I set my jaw.

“Sure,” she says.  “Our part of the cleanup is done.”  She bends to pick up the tote again.

“Here,” Dane stops her and holds out my wrist.  “I’ll carry that to your car if you hold on to this for me.”

She gladly wraps her hand around my forearm.  “Can do.”

Dane smiles and easily picks up the tote.  My mom holds her keys in one hand and pushes the remote to unlock the doors of our Chevy Malibu.  The headlights flash midway down a row of parked cars, and Dane takes off in that direction.

As soon as he’s out of earshot, I turn on her.  “What are you doing?  I don’t want to go anywhere with him!”

She gives me her all-knowing motherly stare.  “Of course you do.”

My face twists.  “Why would you think…?”

“Because it’s obvious.  Your showdown with the fiancée proved that.”  She looks me in the eye.  “No girl in her right mind would admit to sleeping with someone in front of her mother and his fiancée if she wasn’t fighting for something.”

Oh my God.  My face turns crimson.  “We didn’t…we haven’t…”

My mom shakes her head and holds out her free hand.  “Stop.  I don’t need an explanation; you’re an adult.  Just as long as you’re being safe.”

I’m mortified.

“Believe it or not, I was your age once.”  She looks toward her car as Dane starts to make his way back to us.  “You could do a lot worse.”

Sarcasm drips from my tongue.  “Maybe you should go with him.”

She laughs.  “If I were twenty years younger, I would.”

Ew!  Can the earth open up and swallow me now?

As he gets closer, I contemplate which is the lesser of the two evils: leaving with him or talking with my mom about sex.  I hate to admit it, but leaving with Dane wins.  And is she right?  Was the motivation behind my cat fight with Teagan to stake a claim to him or simply the need to defend myself?

“You’re all set,” he says, giving my mom her keys.

She nods and takes them, handing me over.  “Thanks.”  She looks at me pointedly.  “Remember what I said about the safety.”  She leans forward to whisper in my ear.  “You’re still on the pill, right?”

Oh sweet zombie Jesus!  I would be hard pressed to find another time I’ve been so embarrassed.  I close my eyes.  “Yes.  Go home, Mom.”

She laughs again.  “Have a good night,” she says as she walks away.

I open my eyes to find Dane holding on to my arm and staring at me, amused.  “What was that about safety?”

I can’t tell him my mother thinks we’re sleeping together.  I lift my chin arrogantly and lie.  “She gave me some mace in case you try anything.”

He laughs.  “Right.”

He maintains his grip on my arm as he leads me through the parking lot.  “You don’t have to hold on to me, you know.  I have nowhere to run now.”

He ignores me, and when we arrive at his car, he unlocks the doors of the Camaro.  He ushers me into the passenger seat and then slams the door.  I look around the familiar cab and stop short.  Sitting in the center console is a crumpled tissue blotted with red lipstick, a bottle of nail polish, and a pair of women’s sunglasses.  All Teagan’s, I’m sure.  I pick up the sunglasses and turn them over in my hands.  They’re Chanel.  Expensive.  As Dane slides into the driver’s seat, I open the arms of the glasses and push them up my nose.  “How do they look?” I ask.

He turns to me and pauses.  “Better on you.”

Well.  That action was supposed to irritate him, not melt my insides.  I take off the glasses and defensively toss them back in the console.  He starts the car, and I reach for my seatbelt.  “Where are we going?”

He pulls the car forward slowly, looking for traffic, and then turns left out of the space.  “To my place.”

My response is instantaneous and adamant.  “No, we’re not!”

His frown is illuminated by the dashboard lights.  “Why?  What’s wrong with that?”

What’s wrong with that?  The last time I was there was when we…I feel my ears get hot and push the memory away.  How can I explain?  Besides, if Teagan’s things are in his car, what’s hanging around his townhouse?  Lingerie?  My tone turns acerbic.  “The last place I want to be is surrounded by evidence of your fiancée.”  I gesture toward the console.  “It’s hard enough with just this crap here.”

He glances between the seats.  When he turns out onto the road, he immediately pulls off on the shoulder.  I stare at him with confusion as he grabs the tissue, nail polish, and sunglasses in one hand.  He rolls down the window and throws them out.

“Why did you do that?” I ask, panicked.  I look behind us he pulls away.  “Do you know how much those glasses cost?”

“You didn’t like them.  They’re gone.”

I stare at him wide-eyed.  “You didn’t have to do that.  She’s going to be pissed.”

He lets out a small, sarcastic laugh.  “And I care why?”

I frown at him, baffled.  What’s he going to do when we get to his house?  Go through the joint with a trash bag to make me happy?  “I still don’t want to go to your place.”

He glances at me and sighs.  “I know.  I get it.”

He turns his attention back to the road, and I stare out the passenger window.  Neither of us utters a word as he drives.  When we’re just outside of town, he slows and makes a right, following the route to my parent’s house.  We reach the end of that street and make a left, and I’m certain that’s where we’re headed.  My attitude must have caused him to reconsider spending time with me.  As my address gets closer, my mind and my heart battle one another.  Closing my eyes, I picture my emotions in a boxing ring with my voice as the MC:

“This match is scheduled for three rounds!  In this corner, hailing from the dark recesses of Emma’s brain and weighing in with logic and reason, our challenger, Relief!  And, in this corner, hailing from Em’s soul and weighing in with disappointment and guilt, our returning champion, Sadness!  No punches below the belt, fellas.  We want a good, clean fight.”  Ding!  Ding!  Ding!

I shake my head at my absurd reverie.  I surely need some sort of therapy.

Sighing, I open my eyes, prepared to find us turning on to my street.  Instead, I look out the windshield in surprise as we pass by.  Where is he taking us?  My question is answered when, moments later, he turns into the park entrance near my house.  We follow the drive a short distance to a scenic overlook of sorts, where there are about five parking spaces for people to use at the beginning of a trailhead.  He selects one, pulls in, and parks.  “Will this work?” he asks.

I nod.  Relief has taken out Sadness in round one and is now challenging Anxiety.

He cuts the engine, but leaves the car on accessory, so the instrument panel provides some dim light in the darkness.  He takes off his seatbelt then turns to me, his hazel eyes intense.  “I’m so sorry,” he says.  “You have to know that.”

I tilt my head reflexively.  “I figured.”

He looks down for a moment.  When he looks back at me, he sighs.  “I don’t know where to start other than there.”

I shrug and cross my arms against the knot in my stomach.  “How about with why?” I ask.  “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because I’m an idiot,” he responds without hesitation.

I smirk.  “You said it, not me.”

He gives me a tiny smile, but it quickly fades.  “When we met…” he pauses, trying to gather his thoughts.  “I wasn’t looking for anyone else.  Or anything else.  Teagan was on my mind constantly.”

My face automatically twists at the mention of her name.

“Not like that,” he says, noticing my reaction.  “I was having second thoughts.  The longer she was away, the more I started to realize that I had asked her to marry me for the wrong reasons.”

I shift my weight in the seat to get more comfortable.  “So why did you propose?”

“Because it was expected of me.”

I shoot him a confused look.  “Shouldn’t you at least be in love with the person?”

“I was once,” he says and leans his head against the headrest.

“And?”

He turns to me.  “I’m not anymore.”

Why does my heart skip a beat when he says this?  I reprimand myself.  Dane and I are done.

“Teagan and I were that couple,” he says, explaining.  “You know, the couple in high school brought together by friends more so than any true feelings.”  He looks up and stares out the moon roof of the car.  “I’ve been with her since we were sixteen.  It made sense for us to date back then.  We were both popular; our parents knew each other.”  He looks at me again.  “And she wasn’t too hard to look at.”

I roll my eyes.  “Yes, I can see where her looks make up for what she’s lacking in personality.”

He laughs.  “She wasn’t always this nasty.”

I undo my seatbelt and turn my body to face him, curling my knees up on the seat.  “So what went wrong?”

“She’s always been spoiled, but it soared to new levels when we went to college.  I think it went to her head.”

“Why didn’t you break up with her if you didn’t like her new attitude?”

He sighs.  “It was a gradual thing.  It’s not like one day she woke up a complete bitch.”

I laugh.

He smiles and shakes his head.  “Then, after we graduated, her father offered me a job.  My dream job, actually.  I mean, how many grads do you know get to start their career immediately after college?  Not many.  Plus, it was my chance to avoid working for my dad at Bay Woods.”

“Hey!  It wasn’t that bad.”

“No,” he concedes and looks me in the eye.  “Not with you there.”

My pulse picks up again.  Does he do that on purpose?  “So,” I clear my throat, “you felt you had to propose because her dad gave you a job?”

He frowns and considers my question.  “I guess that was part of it,” he admits.  “Teagan was getting anxious and bringing up marriage all the time.  I understood why she was doing it; we’d been together for seven years.  But, I kept putting her off.  Then she was selected to be on the conservation team and was headed to God-knows-where.  At the time I thought that was my sign, you know, do it now because who knows what will happen.  So I did.”

“I bet she was ecstatic,” I say.

He rolls his eyes.  “Please.  The wedding talk has been non-stop.  Even while she was gone her mother kept hounding me.  She made me book the honeymoon a year ago because ‘that’s the groom’s responsibility,’” he mimics Teagan’s mother’s voice.

I feel like I’ve been sucker punched.  “So when’s the big day?”  Why does this bother me?  It shouldn’t bother me!

“Never,” he says adamantly and leans forward.  “When she left, I finally had some space to breathe, some time to myself.  Time to figure out what I wanted without her in my face all the time.”  He pauses.  “I know what I want.  And I don’t want her.”

My mouth falls open in surprise.  “Shouldn’t someone inform the bride?”

He snickers.  “She knows.  She thinks I’ll change my mind.”  He lets out a frustrated sigh and runs his hand through his hair.  “She hasn’t told anyone that we’re not together.  She won’t stop throwing herself in my face, won’t stop coming over.  Won’t take off the ring.”

Wow.  And I thought my relationship with James was messed up.  Still, even with all he’s told me, he hasn’t answered my original question.  “And you didn’t tell me about her because…?”

“Because I didn’t want you to think I was some jerk who runs around proposing to women and then plays around while they’re out of town.”  He pins me with a pained expression.  “I wanted to end things with her months ago, but I felt I owed it to Teagan to do it in person, not over Skype.  When she came home I told her the engagement was off.  As you can imagine, it didn’t go over well,” he grimaces.  “She’s been putting up a fight ever since; she let herself into my place and came across the bill for the things I sent you.  If I had known she had mailed that article to you I…”

My eyes open wide.  “She sent it?”

“When she asked me about the bill, I explained that you were Matt’s friend and we had worked together.  I told her we had grown close.  When Matt told me how you found out about Teagan, I confronted her.”

“Maybe you should get your locks changed,” I joke.

“I need to,” he sighs.  “Just last week I found her there in my bed.”

I swallow.  I don’t know why I even want to ask this question, but I ask it anyway.  “Have you two…?”

He looks me straight in the eye.  “Do you want the truth?”

No, not really.  “Yes.”

He leans forward and searches my face.  “When she first came back, we…I…tried.  You had said you didn’t want me, but…” he hesitates.  “But I couldn’t go through with it.”

“Why?” I whisper.

“Because all I could think about was you.”

My heart stops.  I shake my head to clear it and give him a stern look.  “Stop that.”

“Stop what?”

I put my feet down and lean forward.  “Saying things like that!  Looking at me like that!”

He tilts his head and smiles.  “It’s hard not to.  You are an odd shade of green.”

“That’s not what I meant!” I push against his shoulder in frustration.  My action backfires because he grabs my wrist and pulls me forward, so I’m half leaning over the console.

“I know what you meant,” he says, his face inches from mine.  “I’m not going to lie to you ever again.  You asked for the truth, and I gave it to you.”

I try to pull my arm away, but it doesn’t work.  “Will you stop manhandling me?”

He raises his eyebrows.  “I think you want me to manhandle you.”

My mouth falls open.  “Arrogant much?”

Dane stares into my eyes.  “When will you admit that you have feelings for me?  I know that you do.”

I try to remain impassive.  “Even if I did I couldn’t act on them.”

“So you admit it then?”

Shoot!  I blush and try to back track.  “Nothing has changed.  I still love James.”

“That doesn’t mean you can’t love me, too.”

Has he been talking to Garrett?  “Dane…”

His face softens.  “Em, you’ve told me before.”

I stare at him, confused.  “What are you talking about?  I never said…”

“After you were attacked.”  He moves his free hand to cradle my face.  “When I was calling for help you said I love you.”

I stare at him wide-eyed as my heart begins to pound.  I did say that.  But I was talking to James!  Dane and I remain face to face, and I’m frozen.  I can’t tell him I was talking to my dead boyfriend!

He leans closer, his voice dropping an octave.  “I’m dying here.  Would you please just kiss me?”

My pulse is racing; his lips are centimeters from mine.  Am I actually considering this?  “I…”

“Don’t tell me you can’t.”

I turn my head to buy some time – and see James sitting in the back seat of the car.

“Holy shit!” I yell and scramble backwards, yanking my hand from Dane’s grasp.

“What?  What is it?” Dane looks panicked.

I shift my eyes to the back seat and James gives me a condescending stare.  “Go ahead,” he challenges me.  “You know you want to.”

What?  He’s going to choose to appear now?  He’s never done this before!

“Is everything okay?” Dane asks, worried.

I close my eyes as my mind scrambles.  “I thought…maybe we should…”  I open my eyes and let out a muted squeak.  Meg has taken a seat next to James, her hand on top of his.

James focuses on me, clearly agitated.  “So?” he asks.  “Are you going to kiss him or not?”

Does he expect me to answer that?

Meg gives me a sympathetic smile and then she pats James’ hand, pulling his attention away from me.  James meets Meg’s eyes and nods.  He gives me one last look as they fade away together.

Anger builds inside my chest.  How dare he!

“Emma?  Seriously, you’re freaking me out,” Dane says.

His voice snaps me back to attention, and I focus on his face.  “I’m sorry.”  I move my body away from the door.  “I don’t know what happened.”

“Are you sure?  You look angry.”

I am angry.  James knows how hard it is for me to maintain my composure when I hear him, let alone see him.  He just made me look like a complete ass in front of Dane!  My mind turns to Meg, and my jaw tenses.  He thinks my being here with Dane is bad?  Obviously he gets to hang out with whomever he wants, involve them in my personal business.  Where are my choices?  I look at Dane and reach for his jacket with my right hand.  “Come here.”

He looks confused but leans forward just the same.  I grab a hold of him near his collar and pull him to me as best I can.  My face hovers inches from his.  “If I kiss you now it’s only to prove a point.”

“Prove what point?”

“That I have choices.  That I am in control.”

“Okay.”  He smiles like he knows I’m lying.  “Whatever you say.”

“You’re that desperate to kiss me?” I ask.

“I’m always desperate to kiss you.”

That does it.  I catch his mouth with mine as I clutch his jacket, with both hands now, pulling him to me.  His hands travel up my arms and one settles against my neck, cradling my face.  His touch is hot against my skin, just like in my dream, and I allow myself to let go for once.  I let him pull me closer; allow him to consume my mouth.  Shivers travel up my spine as everything inside me starts to warm and soften, sending warning bells ringing in my head.  It’s time to stop this before it gets out of hand.

I pull away and he tries to follow me by resting his forehead against mine.  “Okay,” I say, trying to catch my breath.  “My point’s been made.”

“To who?” he asks.  “I didn’t get it.”  He tries to catch my mouth with his again.

“No.”  I release his clothes and straighten myself in my seat.  “Don’t get the wrong idea.  My choice.  I’m in control.  We can start to be friends again.  That’s it.”

“Confused much?” he asks, mimicking my earlier comment.

I shoot him a sarcastic look.  “Yes, actually.”  First I’m mad and now I’m kissing him?  I pause.  “I’m not kissing you anymore.”

“Maybe not tonight.”  His expression is smug as he leans back.  “But there’s plenty more where that came from.”

“Says who?”

“Says you.”

I slump down in my seat.  What have I started?

My inner voice, the MC, speaks up again, letting me know Anxiety won round two of my mental boxing match and is gearing up for round three.  Who is the next opponent?  Looks like my good friend, Doubt.

Chapter 15

The next day, I end up staying at my parents longer than I had originally planned.  My brother and his girlfriend came over for dinner, which convinced me to spend a few more hours at home.  It feels good to spend time with my family and away from Guardian issues.  Not that James couldn’t visit me anywhere at any time, but I have the feeling he’s saving our next conversation for a more private location.  And that’s fine with me.  I plan to use the long drive back to school to formulate my thoughts into coherent sentences.  Every time I think about what I want to say to him, I talk myself in circles.

After hugging my mom and dad goodbye, I head out to my car balancing my keys, my backpack, and a leftover dish full of pot roast and vegetables.  I sigh.  I won’t make it back to my apartment until after ten now.  If I weren’t so close to graduation, I would seriously consider transferring to a school closer to home.  I toss my backpack into the passenger seat and then crawl in myself, arranging the leftover dish so it will stay in place.  I pull my phone out of my pocket to connect it to the radio for the drive and start the car.  I grip the steering wheel and pause, staring out the windshield at my childhood home.  I really wish I could stay here.

My cell chimes and I glance down.  I didn’t lose your number.

I roll my eyes.  Here we go.  Obviously.

Where are you?  Dane asks.

On my way back.  I don’t think it’s a good idea to let him know I’m still in town.

Stop texting.  Let me know when you get there.

Ok.

I said stop texting!

I laugh.  Little does he know I’m parked in my parent’s driveway.  I remember our sarcastic banter from the summer, and I try to think of something witty to send back.  I come up with nothing.  I put the phone down, put the car in drive, and make it to the road.  My cell sounds again.

Think about when I can visit.

I swallow.  Yeah, I’m not sure if that’s a good idea.

After apologizing to Garrett for waking him to get my key, I let myself into my apartment.  I’m grateful to be that much closer to bed and snuggling with LB.  I flip the light switch by the door and sweep the room, expecting to find her waiting for me.  Instead, what I see almost causes me to drop my leftovers.

James is leaning against the arm of the couch and Meg is standing directly in front of him, too close for my liking, but apparently not for his.  James meets my eyes and quickly stands as Meg takes an automatic step back.  I narrow my eyes at them as anger surges through my veins.  “What do you think this is?  A motel?”

James gives me a condescending look as Meg takes the hint and evaporates immediately.  I march into the room and throw my backpack on the floor, then turn and head to the kitchen with the leftovers.  I’m afraid if I hold on to them I might throw them.  I yank open the refrigerator, toss the container in, and slam the door.  Since I can’t physically hurt James I might as well take it out on the appliances.

When I return to face him, I stop just a few feet over the threshold from the kitchen and cross my arms.  He plants his feet and does the same.  We stare at each other.

Three thumps on my wall interrupt the silence.  I take a few steps back, never losing eye contact with James, and hit the wall to answer Garrett’s good night.  When I return to my previous spot, he finally speaks.

“You two have some secret code now?” James asks bitterly.

“Yes,” my voice drips with sarcasm.  “That was the ‘Hey-Garrett-James-is-with-Meg-again’ signal.”

He tilts his head.  “Funny.  What’s the code for ‘I’m-going-home-to-make-out-with-Dane-can-you-watch-my-cat’?”

I step forward.  “That’s not what happened.”

“Isn’t it?”  He pauses.  “It sure looked like a rendezvous to me.”  Using his fingers, he ticks off the details.  “Parked car.  Middle of the night.  Secluded spot.  Am I forgetting anything?  Oh, yes,” he looks at me accusingly, “your lips on his.”

Blood starts to pound in my ears.  “Are you going to let me explain?  Or would you rather assume you know everything?”

His raises his eyebrows and gestures for me to go ahead.

“I didn’t plan on running into Dane yesterday; I didn’t know he would be at the party.”

James feigns confusion.  “So you ended up connected at the mouth how?”

I inhale, trying to maintain my composure.  “He wanted to talk, to apologize.  To explain the whole engagement fiasco.”

“That still doesn’t answer my question.”

“Did you miss the part where I told him I was still in love with you?  I wasn’t going to kiss him!  If you had waited to appear for, like, two seconds, you would have seen that!”

James shakes his head.  “I don’t believe you.”

“It’s the truth,” I say adamantly.

“Really?” He looks me dead in the eye.  “I saw what happened after Meg and I left.  I heard you choose – and I saw what you did.”

The mention of Meg’s name irritates me to no end.  “Good!  That’s what I wanted!”

He looks confused for a moment and then rearranges his face.  I walk up to him and stop inches from his chest.  “The only reason I kissed Dane was to prove to you that I’m in control – not him, not you, and certainly not your little girlfriend!”

His face twists.  “She’s not my girlfriend!”

“Is that so?” I press.  “She’s everywhere you are!  Including in my personal space!”

He looks at me skeptically.  “So I’m not allowed to have friends, is that it?”

“Am I?”

“It’s not the same!” James says in frustration.  He starts to pace and when he turns back to me, his eyes are hard.  “I’ve never kissed Meg.”

I look down to avoid his stare.  I know how much Dane gets under James’ skin.  Kissing him was a childish move.

“Meg and I are working together,” James says.  “She understands me.”

My head snaps up.  “And I don’t?”

“You know that’s not what I meant.”  He walks toward me.  “Meg and I, we want the same thing.”  He pauses and searches my face.  “It’s what I thought you wanted, too.”

How can he doubt that I would want him to be human?  “Of course I want that.”

“Do you?” he asks.  “Or have you changed your mind?”

My expression twists.  “No!”

My phone rings from my back pocket interrupting us.  I reach for it automatically as I mentally kick myself.  I was supposed to call my parents when I got back.

“Gee, I wonder who that could be,” James says sarcastically.

“It’s my parents,” I snap.  I look down at the phone to answer it and find that I’m wrong.  It’s not my mom and dad.  I stare at the phone as it continues to ring, afraid to answer it.

James crosses his arms and leans forward, taunting me.  “What’s wrong?  Cat got your tongue?”

I open my mouth to speak and nothing comes out.  What do I say?  I know Dane is only calling to make sure I got back safe, but James won’t believe that.

“What are you waiting for?” James asks.

I narrow my eyes at him, and the call goes to voicemail.

“Oh, I get it.  It’s a private conversation,” he says sardonically.  He takes a few steps backward.  “I won’t keep you.”

Anger and sadness battle inside me.  “Don’t go.  I don’t want to fight.”

“Really?” he asks, irritated.  “You started swinging the minute you walked in the door.”

“That’s because I caught you and Meg in my apartment!”

“Caught us doing what, exactly?” he challenges me.  “Talking?”

“She was this far from you!”  I hold my thumb and forefinger an inch apart.

“And that’s a crime?” he asks in disbelief.

How can he not see what a double standard this is?  “If you found Dane and me like that in your place you would be just as pissed.”

James eyes me.  “Ah, newsflash.  I already found you two together.”  He leans forward.  “I am pissed.”

My phone sounds again, this time with a text message.  I resist the urge to look down at my hand and continue to stare at James.  I understand that he’s upset.  Why can’t he see that I am too?

“Unbelievable,” he mutters as my cell continues to chime.

“He just wants to make sure I’m safe.”

James sets his jaw.  “I thought that was my job.”

“Is it?” I ask, exasperated.  “Because you’re not acting like it!”

James opens his mouth to speak, but then stops.  He blinks at me and suddenly his face goes slack.  “You’re right,” he says without any real emotion.  His head snaps to the left, clearly hearing something I cannot, and he begins to fade in front of me.

“Wait!”  I reach out toward him, but he vanishes in the blink of an eye.

I stand there frozen, with my arm extended in front of me, staring at the space he just left.  My mind races, and I’m taken back to the last time we fought, to the night he died.  When he walked out on our argument.  Just like now.

My heart aches at the memory.  I wait for the familiar feeling of tears behind my eyes, but strangely, it doesn’t occur.  Mechanically, I walk over to my discarded backpack, pick it up, and head to the bedroom where I find LB on my pillow, curled up and comfortable.  I pet her for a few minutes and then walk through the motions of getting ready for bed in a daze.  Once tucked beneath my sheets, I listen to Dane’s voice mail and read his text.  They’re similar.

Did you make it back yet?

I send him a quick message.  Made it.  Tired.  Going to bed.  I call my parents next, waking them to tell them the same.  After I hang up, I lie down with LB for what I’m sure is going to be a restless night.  I pet her absentmindedly as James’ words replay in my mind and weave through her purr.  What I once felt justified in defending seems defenseless now, and my heart feels heavy.

My phone chimes on my nightstand, and I reach over to grab it.  Dane is still awake.

Ok.  Dream of me ;)

I give my phone a sad smile.  If only it were that simple.

Chapter 16

“Okay.”  Garrett slams his Ethics textbook shut.  “What’s wrong?”

I snap back to reality.  “What?”

“You haven’t been yourself since you got back.  What’s bothering you?”

It’s been four days since my fight with James.  Four days.  And he hasn’t visited once, no matter how much I think about him or how much I’m hurting.  All I can do is assume the worst and picture him frolicking in the Intermediate with Meg.  I’ve been trying to come to grips with the fact that I pushed him away, that my kissing Dane drove him straight into her arms.  I have no one to blame but myself, and it depresses me.

“Emma?”

“What?”

Garrett crosses his arms and gives me an irritated stare.  “Are you going to tell me what’s going on or do I have to make you?”

I frown.  “You can do that?”

Garrett pauses.  “No.”

I stare at him and notice his bright turquoise eyes have faded to a more subdued shade of blue.  He told me they will eventually turn brown, his original eye color, once his transformation is complete.  He has a little less than three months to go now.

“So?” he asks.

“It’s complicated,” I say and go back to reviewing my notes.  I don’t want to get James in trouble.

“Would a certain Guardian have anything to do with this?”

I shoot him an annoyed look over my paper.  “Have you forgotten that we have a midterm tomorrow?”

He reaches across the coffee table and grabs the top of my notebook, pulling it from my hands.

“Hey!”

“Listen, normally I wouldn’t pry,” he says.  “But the only thing I can think of that would put you in this type of mood would have to be something to do with James.  And seeing as how anything that happens with James is my business, I think I have a right to ask you –”

“How do you know it’s James?” I snap.  “What if it’s something at home?  What if it’s something to do with my family?”

Garrett blinks.  “I…I stand corrected,” he says and starts to slide my notebook back to me.  “I’m sorry.”

I reach out and grab my notes, slamming them down in front of me.  I know he’s wrapped up in his own little world, but the majority of people on this planet have other issues to deal with besides Guardian ones.  Let that be an important lesson in humanity.

I try to concentrate on studying, but the words start to blur as I feel Garrett staring at me.  After a few moments of awkward silence, I raise my eyes to meet his.  Can he tell I’m lying?

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asks quietly.

Yes, I think.  This is exactly the kind of thing I need Shel for, the type of situation where you need your best girlfriend.  I need a female perspective, someone who can empathize with what I’m feeling and help me sort through what’s happened.  But I can’t talk to her.  Not about this.

When I don’t respond, Garrett starts to look uncomfortable.  “Look, I’m just trying to help.  If this is a bad time, I can come back to study.”  He starts to gather his things.

I let out a heavy sigh.  Now I feel bad.  If I don’t come clean about what’s going on, I’m sure karma will turn on me and something horrible will happen.  “Stop,” I tell him and set my hand on top of the papers that he’s organizing into a pile.  “You’re right.  It is about James.”

He lets go of the papers and eyes me suspiciously.  “Why the line about your family?”

“Because.”  I toss my notes to the side.  “I don’t want to get him in trouble.”

Garrett raises his eyebrows.  “Why would he be in trouble?”

Since I’m seated on the floor next to the coffee table, I lie back, rest my hands against my stomach, and talk to the ceiling.  “We had a fight.”

His face appears above mine.  “About what?”

I continue to look at the ceiling.  “Dane.  And Meg.”

“What about them?” he asks, confused.  When I don’t immediately answer, his tone grows frustrated and he leans closer.  “Am I going to have to pull every little bit of information out of you?”

I prop myself up on my elbows, and he leans back.  “I ran into Dane when I went home on Saturday.”

“And?”

“James appeared unexpectedly with Meg.  He challenged me to kiss Dane.”  I push myself to sit up straight.  “So I did.”

Garrett stares at me, his mouth falling open a little.

“Then, when I got back on Sunday, I found him here with Meg in my apartment.”

“Doing what?” Garrett frowns.

“Who knows?” I scowl.  “They were all up in each other’s personal space.  James said they were just talking, but seeing the two of them made me more upset.  Especially after they showed up in Dane’s car the way they did.”

Garrett looks at me as if he’s having a hard time comprehending what I’ve told him.

“I haven’t seen him since we fought,” I say and look away.  I can feel tears begin to creep behind my eyes, so I reach over and open my textbook as a distraction.  “That’s everything,” I finish as I pretend to redirect my attention.

Minutes pass.  I read the same paragraph three times before I hear Garrett’s voice.  “James made a mistake.”

I continue to look at my book.  “So did I.”

“I don’t think you understand,” Garrett says and leans forward to try and make me look at him.  “Your decisions are yours to make.  James is supposed to guide you in those decisions, not influence them.”

My shoulders slump.  “I know why he did it,” I say, trying to be rational after days of entertaining every irrational thought imaginable.

“You do?” Garrett asks.  “Because I sure as hell don’t.”

I look at him sarcastically.  He should get this; it’s not that hard to figure out.  “I was with someone he doesn’t like, someone I told him I was mad at.  Someone who hurt me.”

“So?” he asks, perturbed.  “What’s it to him as long as you’re not in danger?”

My face twists in confusion.

“Were you in danger?”

“No!”

“Then James should have kept his mouth shut and stayed out of your business.”  Garrett sits back.  “He’s not allowed to be jealous.”

I sigh.  “I should never have gone with Dane.”  I rub my forehead to try and ease the dull ache that has been there all week.

“Why not?”

I look at Garrett like he’s bumped his head.  “Because none of this would have happened!  James wouldn’t have gotten jealous, I wouldn’t have kissed Dane, and I wouldn’t be so worried about Meg!”

He raises his eyebrows.  “Are you sure about that?”

I open my mouth to speak, but then close it again.  I’m starting to hate this conversation.

“Look, I’m an outsider,” Garrett says and leans forward again.  “Do you want to know what I see?”

This is what I would ask Shel if I could, so I nod.

“James shouldn’t be jealous of anyone you’re with or anything you do; his duty is to guide and protect you in your decisions.  Period.  As for Dane, I have the feeling that you would have kissed him anyway –”

I open my mouth to protest and Garrett holds up his hand to stop me.

“– if not now, then later.  I know you’re confused about him, and that’s okay.  You need to have a life.  As for Meg, she’s just flirtatious by nature.”

My mouth falls open.  “Does that give her permission to come on to my boyfriend?”

Garrett laughs.  “So, if you can’t have him no one can?  Is that how it works nowadays?”

“He’s still mine!”

He rolls his eyes.  “Emma, how can you be with a Guardian?  Surely you’re not that delusional.”

“One day he won’t be a Guardian,” I remind him.  “Surely you can’t be that delusional.”

My comment stops him short and he stares at me, dazed.  How could he have forgotten that simple fact?  Talking about this would be so much easier with Shel; by nature women tend to remember even the smallest of details.

“We’re going to have a human life together,” I say adamantly.  “Whether you think so or not.”

Garrett blinks and looks away, clearing his throat.  “You’ll have to make up first though,” he says quietly.  His assured tone is gone, and his voice sounds a bit hollow.  He moves to sit opposite me and starts to organize his papers spread on the table.  It’s clear he’s uncomfortable and tension now fills the air.  What does he know that I don’t?

My mind races and my thoughts immediately turn to Meg.  Her relationship with James must be more serious than I imagined and Garrett knows it’s going to be difficult for us to move past this.  If James can be human again and Meg can too…

“They’re already together, aren’t they?”

He looks up.  “Who?”

“Don’t play dumb.  James and Meg.”

“What?  No.  I mean, I’ve heard some rumblings that they might be starting something, but I doubt they’re anywhere near marriage.”

I stare at him stupidly.  “From who?  Shouldn’t you have told me?”

“My brother,” he says.  “And no, because he’s a little biased when it comes to Meg.  It’s hard to believe the accuracy in what he says when it comes to her.”

“Why is that?”

“Jack and Meg have a history.”

I raise an eyebrow.  Jack and Meg were together?  He’s so gruff and she’s so not.  Talk about an odd couple.  “I take it she gets around?”

Garrett smirks.  “If you call a 25 year relationship ‘getting around’.”

This whole Guardian-hook up thing has my mind reeling.  That is a long time to be together.  “But what about their true loves?  What about being released?”

“I’m pretty sure my brother never had a true love.  And as for Meg, who am I to speculate on her motives?  Maybe she knew her David wouldn’t release her.  He chose eternity after he drowned.  Without her.”

Okay.  I have to admit that fact makes me feel a twinge of sympathy for Meg.  But, I still don’t like her coming on to James.  He can spend unlimited time with her; there’s no way I can compete.  I think about my idiotic move with Dane, and my heart plummets.

“What are you thinking about?” Garrett asks.

“That I have no one to blame, but myself.”  I slam my book shut.  “I suck at relationships.”

“I could say the same thing.”

James’ voice startles me, and my head whips around.

Garrett pushes himself to stand and gathers his things. “I’ll take this as my cue to leave,” he says and tucks the items under his arm.  He walks around the coffee table toward the door, making eye contact with James for a brief second.  “Let me know if you want to go over anything else,” he says over his shoulder.

“I will.”  When the door closes behind him, I study James.  “Where have you been?” I ask and flinch.  I think I already know the answer to that question.

He walks forward and sits on the floor in front of me, crossing his legs to match mine.  He reaches for my hands, and I allow him to take them.  Our eyes meet, and his expression couldn’t be more serious.  I think to myself that this is it.  This is where he tells me that he’s had enough and we’re through.

“You’re blowing this Meg thing way out of proportion,” he says.

I study our hands.  “Am I?”

“Yes,” he says, his tone firm.  “She’s a friend.  Nothing more.”

“I take it you were eavesdropping on my conversation with Garrett?”

“Just the last part,” he admits.  His hand appears beneath my chin, and he lifts my gaze.  “I’m serious.  There is nothing romantic between me and Meg.”

My mouth twists.  “I think she wants there to be.”

He shrugs.  “Oh well for her.”

I move his hand away from my chin and lace my fingers through his.  “So, where have you been?” I ask again.

“Trying to sort out what to say to you.  Trying to figure out how to apologize.”

“It took you four days?”

“Em, I screwed up.  Like, massively messed up.  You were so angry; I didn’t know if you would want to see me.”

I give him an incredulous look.  “How could you think that?  Haven’t you felt how upset I’ve been?”

“I know you’re upset, but the emotion is all I feel.  I don’t know the exact cause unless I physically check on you and –” he stops.

“And what?”

His shoulders fall.  “I didn’t want to find you with Dane again.  What if you were with him and he was upsetting you?  I would have ripped his head off.  Or what if you were thinking about breaking things off with me?  I wanted to give you time to sort out your feelings.”

“I would never break up with you!  And I haven’t seen Dane since last weekend.  I’ve been putting him off, telling him he can’t visit, because I’m busy with midterms.”

James looks wary.

“Look, I know I started something with Dane that I shouldn’t have.  What I did was stupid and reactive and part of my being upset is trying to figure out how to fix that.  Another part is imagining you spending time with Meg,” I hesitate.  “But, the main reason I’m sad is because we fought and you left.  Just like the night you died.”

His face fills with remorse.  He lets go of my hands and quickly collects me in his arms, pulling me forward and into his lap.  “I’m so sorry,” he says against my hair.

“I love you,” I speak against his chest.  It’s the only thing I can think to say.  “Please don’t leave me without at least saying goodbye.”

He leans back, so he can see my face.  “I will never leave you.  Everything I’ve done has been for you.”

“But it hasn’t been easy,” I say.  “It’s been hell.  Not that I like it, but I can understand if you would want something easier, something with Meg.”

He frowns.  “I don’t want something with Meg.”

I give him a condescending look.  “She’s always around…”

“I have to talk to someone,” James says gently.  “She gives good advice; she listens when I need to vent.  She helps me.  She’s the one who pulled me out of Dane’s car before I said anything else to hurt you or before I took my anger out on him.”

I study his face while I process what he’s said.  “I guess tell her thanks,” I say insincerely, “even though I don’t like her knowing my personal business.”

“Do you expect me to stay mute?” he asks.  “I have to deal with these feelings that I’m not supposed to feel somehow.”

“What about me?  I have no one to talk to about this.  I would do almost anything to get Shel’s opinion of how I should fix what I started with Dane.  But I can’t ask her because she would just tell me to go for it because she has no idea that you still exist.  I can’t rationally explain my feelings without mentioning you.”

“What about Garrett?  You seem able to talk to him.”

“It’s not the same.  He’s an ex-Guardian who can’t seem to comprehend why you’re having a hard time dealing with your connection to me.  He seems to think you should be able to get over it and that I should move on with my life.”

James frowns, but then his eyes light up.  “I know.  What if I asked some of the girls to come by and you could talk?  Like Joss or Jenna?”

I make a face.  More Guardians?

“You could ask them some questions, discuss your Guardian frustrations.”

I hesitate.  “I don’t know.”

“At least they’re female,” he offers.

This is true.  “Joss does seem really nice,” I concede.

“Do you want me to ask them?”

I shrug.  “I guess.  But if they can’t, it’s okay.  I don’t know how I feel about revealing my problems to strangers.”

He holds me closer.  “They won’t be strangers for long,” he assures me.  “The girls are really nice.”

I can’t help it.  “Especially Meg.”

“Would you cut that out?” James squeezes me.  “As I recall, we had a very similar conversation this past summer, only in the reverse.”

I lift my head and look at him, scrunching up my nose.

“About Dane?  That he was only being nice and wanted to be your friend?”

“You know how that turned out,” I say sarcastically.

“But I believed you,” he stresses.  “Because I knew that’s what you truly thought.”

“Fine,” I huff.  “I believe that you’re friends.  But, for the record, I don’t trust her.”

One side of his mouth quirks up.

I sigh and then lift my face to plant an innocent kiss on his lips.  “I’m glad you didn’t wait any longer to come see me.”

“So am I,” he says and kisses me back, his kiss stronger than mine.  That relaxed, calm feeling I always get when he is here takes over, and, when we part, I unexpectedly yawn.

“Am I boring you?” he laughs.

“No.  Our conversation has been riveting.”

“But my kiss put you to sleep?”

I smile and shake my head.

“I must not kiss as well as Dane,” he teases.

My mouth falls open.  “Shut up!  You know why I did that!”

“Oh, I know,” he smirks.

My face flushes red.  “I already feel terrible.  Don’t make me feel worse!”

He grins then plants a kiss on my forehead.  “You’re forgiven, although I might have to bring it up from time to time.”

I roll my eyes.  “I would expect nothing less.”

“What about me?” he asks.  “Am I forgiven?”

I pretend to ponder his question, but of course I already know the answer.  “Yes, but –”

“But what?  Your forgiveness has conditions?”

I give him a stale look.  “I forgive you for being jealous and disappearing on me, because those things I understand.  But does Meg have to follow you wherever you go?”  I look around the room cautiously.  “Is she here now?”

He moves one arm beneath my knees and wraps his other arm tightly around my back and smiles.  “No, she’s not here now.”  He shifts his weight and stands with ease, holding me against him like a child.

My eyes widen in surprise as his lifts me off the floor.  “This is new,” I say in awe and then narrow my eyes.  “Are you trying to distract me?”

“Let’s just say Meg has a vested interest in what happens between us,” he says as he starts to carry me toward my bedroom.

“And why’s that?”

“I’m not allowed to say.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

We enter my room and he sets me on the bed next to LB.  I swing my legs off the side and turn to face him as he leans over me, placing his hands on either side of me against the mattress.  “Come on,” I press.  “Obviously I’m good at keeping secrets.”

“She’s trying to make sure I don’t screw up again,” he says.

I cross my arms and search his face.  “I already know that.  Tell me what I don’t know.”

His expression twists, and I look up at him innocently.  “It will put my mind at ease,” I say.  “You would do that for your Ward, right?”

James smirks.  “When did you start to play dirty?  That’s not fair.”

I raise my eyebrows and shrug.  After a moment, when he doesn’t offer any information, I pout.

He rolls his eyes and stands.  “Fine.  How can I put this?”  He looks to the ceiling in thought.

I wait impatiently.  I’m about to have a concrete reason for Meg’s persistent presence other than my own suspicions.  These last few days have been torturous.

He finally turns to me.  “Listen.  This is all I can tell you, so don’t ask me for anything more.  Okay?”

I nod.

He steps forward.  “Meg is helping me,” he says.  “But, she is also looking out for the best interest of her Ward.”

Chapter 17

My conversation with James runs through my mind on an endless loop.  I can’t turn it off.  I redirect my focus and try to concentrate on the Ethics exam in front of me.  I have one more essay to finish.  I need to compare the five self-interest philosophies and, if I’m not careful, I might end up writing a paragraph about why I think Meg is Dane’s Guardian.

I start to write and catch Garrett out of the corner of my eye.  He looks at his paper, perplexed.  Guilt washes over me.  We didn’t study enough.  My personal problems got in the way last night, even though he was the one who pressed me about them.  I’ll have to be sure to apologize after class.  Garrett didn’t sign up to be my therapist.

I finish my test as quickly as I dare, briefly mentioning each philosophy.  A few missed points shouldn’t hurt my grade any; I was rocking an A before this exam.  I gather my things and turn my paper in to Ms. Johnson, then head out to the hallway to wait for Garrett.  I place my backpack against my feet and lean against the wall as James’ voice replays in my mind – “She’s looking out for best interest of her Ward.”  I sigh.  Meg has to be Dane’s Guardian; who else would my relationship with James effect?  Naturally, I tried to get James to tell me if I was correct, but he would neither confirm nor deny my assumption.  Then, when he decided to stay the night, I got completely sidetracked.  It’s hard to ask questions when your mouth is connected to someone else’s, Guardian or not.

My cell vibrates in my pocket, bringing me back from the memory.  I pull it out to read the text message.

Are you finished with midterms??

Aw, hell.  It’s Dane.  I’m going to have to think of another excuse as to why I can’t see him.  I stare at the phone and silently wish I could just tell him the truth.

“What’s up?” Garrett asks, appearing in front of me.

I lift my head, and my shoulders slump.  “Dane wants to know if I’m done with midterms.”

“And that’s a bad thing?”

“I can’t see him.”

“Why not?”

I’m at a loss for words.  We’re supposed to be friends, but we can’t hang out.  James would have a conniption fit; not to mention, I kind of kissed Dane the last time we were together.  “James wouldn’t like it.”

Garrett’s expression twists.  “I told you that’s none of his –”

“Yeah, yeah,” I interrupt him and push myself away from the wall.  I pick up my backpack with my free hand and toss it over my shoulder.  “Let’s go.”

Garrett follows me out of the building, and we head across campus.  “So, how’d you do?” I ask.

Garrett shrugs.  “Okay, I guess.”

“I’m sorry.  We should have studied more.  I’ll definitely make it up to you for the final.”

He smiles.  “I didn’t say I did terrible.  I’ll pass.”

I nod.  “Good.”

We walk back to our apartments in relative silence.  When we reach the street corner closest to home, Garrett asks, “So, I take it last night went well?”

“Yes.”

“You’re no longer fighting with James?”

I shake my head.

Garrett falls silent, and I want to ask him about Meg.  Would James get in trouble for telling me as much as he did?  “I have a question.”

“Shoot.”

“Why can’t I know who a Guardian’s Ward is?  Say, for example, Meg’s,” I try to ask nonchalantly.  “Why is that so secret?”

Garrett gives me a knowing smile.  “You’d make a terrible interrogation officer.”

I roll my eyes.  “Why can’t I know?”

“Let me guess,” Garrett pretends to think.  “James told you Meg is hanging around because it has something to do with her duty, right?”

One eyebrow lifts in question.  “Are you telling me he’s lying?”

He chuckles.  “No.  He’s telling the truth.”

“It’s Dane, isn’t it?” I stop walking.  “Meg is Dane’s Guardian.”

Garrett stops a few steps ahead of me and turns.  “Would that upset you?”

“No.”  I try to look unaffected and fail.  “Yes.  I don’t know.”

“And that’s precisely why,” he says matter-of-factly.  “Guardians don’t need jealousy or animosity among Wards.  You’re not supposed to know we even exist.  It only complicates matters.”

I start walking again.  “How so?”

“Suppose you told your friend Shel that she has a Guardian.  What would she do?”

“Probably freak out,” I concede.  “She’d think I was crazy.”

“Exactly,” Garrett says.  “And if you knew who her Guardian was?  Would you be tempted to tell her?”

I shrug.  “Maybe.”

“And if she knew?  Would she be creeped out that this person felt her emotions?  Was capable of watching her every move?  Guided her decisions so she was kept safe from danger?  Would she try to have a friendship with this person?”

“Okay!  Okay!  I got it.”  I push my phone into my pocket and reach for my keys as we approach the front door of our building.  “Knowing who a Guardian’s Ward is should be kept secret.”

Garrett nods in agreement.

I open the door, and he follows me inside.  “You know more about Guardians than any other human I’ve ever interacted with,” he says.  “You’ve handled it well, but I’m not so sure about the general population.  You know how humans are prone to frenzy whenever they discover something they don’t understand.”

I laugh and throw out a couple of examples.  “Crop circles?  Area 51?”

Garrett smiles, then whispers, “I can vouch for the crop circles.”

My eyes grow wide.

He shrugs.  “Hey, a few of us got bored.”

I shake my head in disbelief.  “You sure know how to mess with people.”

Garrett laughs as he pulls his apartment key from his pants pocket.  He opens the door to his place as I turn to head toward mine.  “Here’s to a relaxing weekend without studying for exams,” he says.

I walk backward down the hallway to my door.  “That sounds absolutely perfect.”  I flash him a thumbs up.  “I’ll talk to you later.”

He smiles.  “Later.”

I open my apartment door to find LB waiting to greet me.  I toss my backpack aside and bend down to give her a good rubbing with both hands.  When she’s satisfied, she wanders away and I stand.  Here we are with three whole days of nothing spread out before us.  Again.  I’m all down for relaxing, but I’d rather not be entirely alone.  I pull my phone from my pocket and read Dane’s message.  Spending time with him is definitely out of the question.  I wish I could go back in time and erase all the heavy stuff between us; so we could be friends again and just joke with each other like we used to.

Since that can’t happen, I decide to call Shel.  Maybe I can spend some time with her this weekend in Ann Arbor.  Luckily she picks up.

“Hey there, stranger.”

“Hi!”

“What are you up to?”

“I’ve got class in ten minutes.  Why?  What’s up?  Oh, loved your Wicked Witch costume by the way.  That was hilarious!”

I smile.  That party seems like it happened eons ago.  “Listen, what are you doing this weekend?  Are you busy?  I was thinking I could come and visit.”

“Aw, man,” Shel groans.  “I have this charity dinner thing for the hospital on Saturday night, and we’re setting up all day tomorrow.”

“What are you doing?  Volunteering?”

“Yeah, waiting tables and stuff while the rich benefactors pay big bucks for dinner.  It’s a donation to the hospital.”

“Sounds thrilling,” I sigh and then pause.  “Could you use an extra pair of hands?”

“You want to spend your weekend as a waitress?”

“Could I?  Anything is better than sitting here by myself.”

“Sure!  I mean, I’ll check with the coordinator, but I don’t think it will be a problem.  The more the merrier.”

“Cool.”

“Can you get here tomorrow night around eight or nine?  We’re supposed to be done with set up by then and we can hang out until we’re needed the next day.”

“Sounds good.”  I reach for a piece of scrap paper on the table.  “What’s the name of your new dorm again?”  Shel recites her address and I jot it down.  “Got it.  I’m looking forward to it!”

“Me too!” Shel sounds excited.  “This dinner just got a whole lot better!  The time will fly by with you there.”

I laugh.  “I hope so!  Although I don’t know how good I am at waitressing.”

“It’ll be simple,” Shel reassures me.  “I think it’s just clearing tables, maybe getting drinks.  Stuff like that.”

“I trust you.”  I check the clock.  “Shouldn’t you be heading to class?”

“On my way as we speak,” I can hear Shel smile.  “Talk while I walk.  I heard you met up with Dane the other night.”

Why doesn’t this surprise me?  “I’m shocked that you didn’t call to grill me about it.”

“Matt told me not to,” she says simply.  “Besides,” her tone changes to imply that she’s hurt, “I was hoping you’d tell me about it yourself.”

“This week has been crazy busy,” I say in defense.  Crazy busy with exams, with worry, with guilt, with stress…

“Midterms?” she asks.

“You got it.”

“Well, I’m looking forward to seeing you and hearing about Dane,” she says as I think I hear a door opening.  “’Kay, I’m at my lab.  I’ll let you go.”

“Okay.  See you tomorrow.”

“Yep, bye!”

I end the call and set my phone on the table.  It amazes me that my personal life remains interesting to others, but then again, your two best friends should be concerned, right?

My stomach growls, luring me to the kitchen.  I move to stand in front of the refrigerator and open the door.  What fabulous frozen thing can I reheat for lunch today?

So?

I rub my eyes with the heels of my hands.  I blink to focus and realize I must have fallen asleep with my Communications book open in front of me.  That’s what I get for lying on my bed while trying to read boring material.

I glance at the message from Dane and then note the time.  It’s almost ten at night.  I can’t believe I forgot all about his earlier text.  At least now I have a response, should he ask to come see me.

Sorry.  Yes, midterms are over.

How did you do?

I think I did pretty well.  I know I did great in three out of four anyway.

I don’t miss those days.

I smile.  Are you sure you remember those days old man?  Dane is only three years older than me, but it’s still fun to tease him.

Very funny.  If I was there you’d pay for that comment.

How so?

It takes him a minute to respond.  That’s a loaded question.  Don’t tempt me.

Hmm.  Maybe I should back off the humor.

What are you doing this weekend?

There it is.  The question I was dreading.  Visiting Shel.

That’s not very nice.

What?  How do you mean?  Shel sounded happy to have me.

My phone rings a moment later, and I answer Dane with a bewildered, “Hello?”

“I’ve been asking to come see you.”

I sigh.  “I know.”

“And the first free minute you have you run off to Shel?”

I get defensive.  “She’s my best friend!  I haven’t seen her in over a month.  I saw you last week!”

I can hear Dane exhale.  “It feels like you’re putting me off on purpose.”

Ding!  Ding!  Ding!  You are correct, sir.

“I’m sorry,” he quickly adds.  “Things here are nuts.  Teagan, work…”

I shudder at the sound of Teagan’s name.  I don’t know who’s worse, her or Meg.  “What’s going on?”

Dane’s tone turns sullen.  “She’s involved her dad to get her way.”

“Are you sure?”

“When your boss advises you to reconsider certain decisions in your life or your job is on the line I’d say that makes you 105% sure.”

My mouth falls open.  “That’s terrible!  Can he do that?  I mean, legally?”

“It’s a family owned business.  I’m pretty sure he can do whatever he damn well pleases.”

A sick feeling starts to wrap around my stomach.  Why do I feel like this is all my fault?  I mean, it’s really not; Dane’s the one who decided to break off his engagement.  But, I am involved and Teagan knows it.  “What did he say exactly?”

“He said he knows I’m a good kid, but he has to look out for his only daughter.  He said if I can’t find it within myself to follow through on my proposal, he’d understand – but I should be prepared to seek other employment.”

What he says angers me.  “I can’t believe this.  You love your job.”

“Don’t I know it?”  He pauses then laughs sarcastically.  “He did say he would write me a glowing letter of recommendation.”

“This isn’t right.”  I sit up.  “There has to be something you can do.”

“Yeah, there is,” he says, disgusted.  “Marry Teags.”

“Besides that,” I groan.

Seconds of silence pass then Dane clears his throat.  “You know what?  I’ll figure something out.  I have a savings.  I’m employable.  I can work for my dad if I have to.”

I frown.  I know that’s the last thing that would make him happy.  “I’m sorry.  This whole situation sucks.”

I can picture him with a wry smile.  “Thanks for commiserating with me.  Although a real life, in-person hug would be better.”

I feel terrible for him and honestly wish I was there to hug him.  “Consider this a virtual one,” I say softly before I really think about it.

“Thanks,” he says, somewhat sad.  “So, when will I get to see you?”

I hesitate.  If I tell him I can’t see him it will only make things worse, and he doesn’t need that right now.  “I’ll work on it,” slips out before I can catch it.  “Seriously, I’m not trying to be a jerk.  It’s just…I have a lot going on right now.”

A cool arm slips around my shoulders from behind, and I immediately tense.  I look out of the corner of my eye to see James take a seat next to me, his hip pressing against mine.  He flashes me a smile, and I know he doesn’t know who I’m talking to.

“I guess I can buy that for now,” Dane concedes.

I try to relax under James’ arm.  “Listen, I have to go.  I’ll call you later, okay?”

“Why?”  He sounds confused at the abrupt end to our conversation.

“I have company.”  I smile at James, so he won’t be suspicious.

“Who?”

“I’ll talk to you tomorrow.  ‘Bye.”  I end the call before he can ask any more questions and discreetly silence my ringer just in case he calls back.  “Hey.”  I toss my phone aside and turn toward James.  “I didn’t expect to see you tonight.”

“Surprise,” he smiles at me.  “Who was that?”  He nods toward my discarded phone.

“Shel,” I say quickly.  “I’m going to visit her tomorrow and stay the weekend.  I volunteered to help her with a charity dinner at the hospital.”

James frowns.

“What?  I told you I needed some girl time.”

“I know.”

“Then what is it?”

He raises his eyebrows.  “Who else is going to be volunteering at this dinner?”

My face scrunches in confusion.  “How should I know?  People from the hospital, other volunteers like Shel and me.”

“Volunteers like Dane?”

I lean away from him.  “Seriously?  I thought we were past this.”

He tries to look innocent and says, “I just want to be prepared.”

“No,” I say adamantly.  “Dane won’t be there.”

“You’re sure?”

“I’m positive.”  I narrow my eyes.  “You’re doing that control freak thing again.”

His face relaxes.  “Sorry.”

I close my book and push it aside.  “What brings you by tonight?”

James looks around the room.  “Well, there’s a football game on…”

My mouth falls open dramatically.  “You’re using me for my television?”

“We can snuggle,” he offers with a smile.

I smirk.  “Anything to get your way.”  I push myself off the bed, extend my hand, and lead him to the living room.  I hate watching football.  But James is here, we’re no longer fighting, and I wouldn’t change that for the world.

I reach the couch before James does, and he pulls my hand back so I turn to face him.  He reaches out and places his free hand around the base of my neck, under my hair, and holds my head gently as he lowers his lips to mine.  My heart wants to burst.

“You didn’t get enough of this last night?” I tease when he moves to kiss my forehead.

“I love you,” he says against me.

“I love you, too,” I say, and it’s the truth.  Football, control freak, Guardian, and all.  I’ll always love him.

Until the end of forever.

Chapter 18

“Wow.”

Shel leans in to me.  “When I helped set up the tables yesterday, this room looked nothing like this,” she whispers.

Shel and I stand like statues, mouths agape, as we survey the ballroom for the hospital charity dinner.  Dressed in black pants, white tuxedo shirts, black vests and bowties, I have to say we resemble penguins.  I clutch the round serving tray in my hands and swallow.  I’ve never been to an event this fancy.

I was mistaken in thinking that the dinner was taking place at the actual hospital.  Instead, it’s at an upscale hotel in the area, called The Inn at St. John’s, which is just outside the city of Ann Arbor.  The room is set for roughly 350 guests, all from prestigious local and international organizations.  Each business has their own table or tables, distinctly marked with their company names and logos inside tall, fall-themed centerpieces that are lit from within.  The tables hold more china than I thought imaginable for one dinner, and they are draped to the floor in cloths that alternate in rich autumn hues from chocolate brown to emerald green to rusty red.  The chairs are covered as well, in the same deep tones, each with a precisely tied caramel colored bow.  The chandeliers in the ballroom are dimly lit, which allows the centerpieces and tea lights on each table give off the feeling of a more intimate dinner.  A string quartet tunes their instruments in one corner; while in another, bartenders busy themselves stocking liquor and wiping glasses.

As my eyes roam the room, I find a long buffet table that is currently being filled with every hors d’oeuvre you can think of.  A tall ice sculpture bearing the University of Michigan hospital logo graces the center of the buffet, of which I can see the base being filled with jumbo shrimp and oysters on the half shell.  The coordinator for the event, Dana, told us volunteers that we are to clear the empty hors d’oeuvre plates as we find them, along with any empty glasses, and return them to the kitchen.  Later, after dinner, the table will be filled with desserts and we’ll be on the same mission.  During dinner, we are to clear empty plates and retrieve drinks from the bar when asked.  She said we’d be able to eat as thanks for our service, so I’m really looking forward to trying some of this food.  My mind wanders to Garrett.  He would love something like this; although, he would probably choose to spend all of his time in the kitchen.

Dana claps her hands.  “Okay, happy volunteers,” she says.  “Our guests should start arriving any minute.”  She divides our group down the center with a sweeping gesture.  “This half works the right side of the room, this half the left.”  She eyes two women standing over to the side, dressed in navy pencil skirts and white blouses.  “Aubrey and Sydney, you two start with coat check and handle the rush.  I’ll switch you out when dinner starts.”

We disperse to our sides of the room and luckily, Shel and I get the side with the hors d’oeuvre table.  I get an up close and personal look, taking in all of the varieties of pre-dinner snacks.  There’s your typical cheese and crackers, although intricately displayed in a waterfall effect, and crudité with a variety of dips.  Mini quiche.  Any and all kinds of fruit.  The shrimp and the oysters.  Caviar.  Different variations of meatballs.  Salmon pate.  Bacon wrapped chicken bites.  It’s endless.  I lean over to Shel.  “Who can eat this much food?” I ask.  “What’s left for dinner?”

Shel shrugs.  “Rich people?  I guess when you pay $350 a plate, you get your money’s worth.”

“$350 a plate?”  Holy crap!

As the room starts to fill with the first partygoers, the quartet begins to play.  I’m surprised by their first piece.  “‘Is this Pumped Up Kicks?’” I ask Shel.

She tips her head toward the music then raises her eyebrows in appreciation.  “Sounds like it,” she says.  “Not bad.  Who knew Foster the People was a popular instrumental choice?”

I smile and turn my attention to the filling room.  The men wear business suits, some with bright colored ties while others leave their collars open.  The women are dressed in an array of different styles from cocktail dresses, to skirts, to dressy slacks, and tops.  As the guests approach the food table, I can’t help but notice that no one forgot their jewelry tonight.  Necklaces, bracelets, rings, wristwatches and cuff links all manage to catch the dim light and reflect it.  I’m beginning to think this dinner is more for show than charity.

“So,” Shel asks, “have you decided?”

My forehead pinches.  “About what?”

“When you’re going to see Dane again.”

I give her an exasperated look.  We had this discussion in depth last night when I arrived, after I told her about my run in with Teagan at the Halloween party and the resulting conversation and kiss with Dane.  “No.  I haven’t decided.”

“Well,” she lifts her tray, “spend this mindless night thinking about it.  I’m off to collect dirty dishes.”

I raise my tray as well and follow her lead, winding my way through the tables in the opposite direction.  As I walk, I think about the conversation we had last night.  I got no useful advice at all from Shel in regard to Dane.  There’s not one reason she can think of for me to end what I started with him.  I hate that I am in this situation all alone.  At some point I’m going to have to be the bad guy, and I wish there was one human that could understand why.

I spend the cocktail hour clearing more empty glasses than plates.  Turns out, wealthy benefactors like to drink, especially vodka martinis and scotch on the rocks.  As I burn another path in the carpet to the kitchen, a man in my periphery catches my attention.  I slow my walk.  Is he staring at me?  I blink and continue on my path.  No.  That’s impossible.

My next round through the room yields yet more glasses and a run-in with Shel.  “How’s it going?” I ask.

“This is a lot of work!” she says.  “No wonder they’re feeding us.”

I agree.  I fill my tray as full as I dare and make another trip to the kitchen.  Not thinking, I take the same route as before and pass the same gentleman.  I could swear he’s watching me again.  I get brave and try to meet his eyes, which he quickly shifts to another person standing in his group.  Who is this guy?  I’ve never seen him before.

After I empty my tray in the dish area, I wait around for Shel to appear.  When she rounds the corner, I approach her side.  “Hey.”

“Hey,” she says as she empties her tray.

“Look, I’m probably imagining things, but I swear there is a guy out there staring at me.”

Shel’s eyes light up.  “Oh!  Is he cute?”

“No!  He’s an older guy, probably my dad’s age.”

Shel frowns.  “Creeper.”

“Come out there with me and see if I’m being paranoid.”

“Okay,” she says.  “Where is he at?  What does he look like?”

We start to walk.  “He’s standing with a group a few feet from the kitchen entrance.  He’s about James’ height, with black hair and a mustache.”

“James’ height?” Shel asks me, surprised.

“Yes, James’ height.  Why is that weird?”

She shrugs.  “It’s just…you haven’t mentioned him in awhile.  It’s odd hearing his name.”

If she only knew.  “C’mon,” I say and refuse to elaborate on my choice of description.  “I’ll walk near him and you watch.”

We exit the kitchen, and I spot the guy still standing with the group.  I head toward him, yet parallel, and Shel heads opposite me.  I busy myself collecting plates and glasses, and I swear I can feel eyes on me.  They might be Shel’s though, and I may just be hyper-sensitive to the situation.  I walk further into the room, looking amongst the tables, picking up an item here or there and eventually make my way back to Shel’s side.

“So?” I ask.

“He is definitely staring at you.”

Ick.  “Why?” I ask like she will have the answer.

“How am I supposed to know?  Are you sure you’ve never seen him before?  Maybe he recognizes you from Bay Woods.”

“Shel, you’re a genius.  That has to be it.”  Where else would I have run into someone with money?

The string quartet ends their latest song, and our attention is drawn to their set up as Dana speaks into the microphone.  She asks everyone to find their seats as dinner will be served momentarily.  Shel and I balance our trays through the crowd that converges on the center of the room, and we slowly make our way back toward the kitchen.  As we pass the last group of tables, I can’t help but notice the man taking his seat.  My eyes jump to the company name inside the centerpiece, and my stomach drops through the floor.  The business name is Legionnaire.

“It’s Dane’s boss!” I whisper to Shel, as we wait with the other volunteers along the back of the room while the Caesar salad is being served.  “It has to be.”

Shel looks wary.  “Maybe, maybe not.  He could just be someone who works there.  Besides, how would he know who you were?”

“I told you he threatened to fire Dane if he didn’t marry his daughter.  Maybe Teagan showed him a picture of me or something.”

Shel questions my logic.  “She would go through that trouble?  What, did she put an APB out on you?”

I give her a dry look.  “I wouldn’t put it past her.  She does not like me.”

“Still,” Shel sounds unsure, “if it is him, what’s he going to do?  He’s probably just checking out his daughter’s competition.”

I roll my eyes.  “Great.”  I look down at my outfit and tray.  “I can just imagine what he’ll report back.”

Dana approaches us and divides us down the center again.  Half of us get to eat while the other half clears the room, and then we’ll switch.  Thankfully, Shel and I are selected for the eating group, and I can avoid Mr. Meyer for the next hour.  We head to the kitchen to collect our plates and then take a seat in a small meeting room at another location in the hall.  Dinner is amazing, even though I’m nervous as all heck and can only manage to eat half of what I’m given.  I feel really guilty about it, too.  There are people who would kill to have filet mignon and lobster tail for free.

Halfway through the meal, I hear James’ voice behind my ear.  “What’s bothering you?”

I turn to Shel.  “I need to use the restroom.  I’ll be right back.”

When I locate the bathroom, I bend down to make sure the stalls are empty.  When I turn around, James has already appeared behind me.

“You know you’re in the ladies room,” I tease.

He gives me a crooked smile.  “What’s going on?”

“I think Teagan’s dad his here,” I tell him.  “He’s been staring at me.  I don’t know what that means, but it makes me really uncomfortable.”

“Teagan, Dane’s fiancée?” James scowls.

“Ex-fiancée.  Her father is Dane’s boss and his company has a table at the party.”

His frown deepens.  “Have you met him before?”

“Never.  Shel thinks the guy might not even be him, just some dude who works at the same company.”

“Hmm,” James contemplates.  “I don’t like this.  I’m going to stay close.”

My eyes widen.  “Do you think there’s going to be trouble?”

“Not necessarily.  But what if this guy turns out to be some creep?”

Right.  One Patrick-type in my life was enough.  “Okay,” I agree.  “Stay close.”

He steps forward and plants a kiss on the top of my head.  “I’ll be around,” he says and evaporates.

When the time comes to go back to clearing, I really don’t want to.  Even though knowing James is near makes me feel better, I don’t want to be forced to strategically avoid this strange man for the rest of the night.  So when Dana asks our group who would be interested in helping in the coatroom, I immediately volunteer.

“Good idea,” Shel nods in agreement.  She knows I’m anxious.  “Let’s get through this so we can go home and relax.”

The coatroom turns out to be incredibly boring, but easy; I spend my time straightening jackets and wraps.  It’s just me, seeing as how the guests will leave sporadically.  Dana said she might send Aubrey or Sydney back at the end of the night to help with any rush.  People start to leave in small spurts immediately after dinner, which keeps me occupied.  I’m busy spacing out the remaining coats, now that there is a little more room to spread them out, when a voice interrupts my OCD.

“Excuse me?  Miss?”

I turn and find myself staring directly at who I think is Mr. Meyer.  Damn it.

He holds out his coat check ticket and smiles.  “#1204.”

I try to return his smile and take the stub from him.  I locate his item, a long wool pea coat, and hand it to him over the coatroom door.  “There you are, sir.  Have a nice night.”  I have to admit that up close he’s not a scary-looking guy, and he doesn’t appear to be assessing me now.

He shrugs on his coat and unexpectedly extends his hand.  “Luke Meyer,” he introduces himself.  “And you are?”

I knew it.  I tentatively shake his hand.  “Emma.”

“Ah.  I thought so,” he says.  He reaches into his pocket and produces a business card, which he places on the ledge of the coatroom door.  “Nice to meet you,” he smiles and then turns to leave.

I’m speechless as I watch him go.  Apparently, I was right and he knows who I am.  I don’t know why I think this, but I hope this doesn’t make things worse for Dane.  I was perfectly polite.  Maybe he’ll try to use my lower social status as a case against me and for Teagan.  Ugh.

My eyes fall on the white business card that he left, and I pick it up.  It’s full of the typical stuff – name, company logo, address, and phone number.  Why did he leave this?  I flip the card over and my heart skips.  There, in neat handwriting, are the following words:

NO NEED TO WORRY.  ALL WILL BE WELL IN TIME.

“This is the weirdest thing ever,” Shel says as she holds the business card in her hand.  “What does it mean?”

I give her a bewildered look.  “I have no idea.”

We slowly walk to her car in the parking lot.  It’s nearly midnight, we’ve cleared just about every dish, glass, and utensil imaginable, and our feet are killing us.  I can’t wait to get back to her dorm and crash.

“Ladies,” I hear a familiar voice from my left and immediately close my eyes.  This is so not happening.

“Dane!” Shel gushes from my side.  “What are you doing here?”

“It took you two forever to finish in there,” he says.  “Matt said you’d be done around ten.”

I open my eyes.  Of course.  Matt.  He’s worse than a group of gossiping women.  That boy needs duct tape strategically placed over his mouth.

“There was a lot to do,” Shel explains then looks at me pointedly.  “Aren’t you going to say hello?”

“Hey,” I say and look at the ground as I internally panic.  How am I going to explain this to James?

“I decided to take matters into my own hands,” Dane says as he stops about a foot in front of me.  “I wanted to see you.”  He reaches out and lifts my chin, so that I’m looking up at him.  “I still need that hug.”

I hear Shel let out a muted “aww” and, as if on cue, I see James materialize directly behind Dane.  I try to keep my eyes focused on Dane and not over his shoulder, but it’s difficult.  James looks livid.  Why shouldn’t he be?  I told him Dane wouldn’t be here – no, I promised.  And here he finds us, Dane touching my face and looking into my eyes, saying he needs a hug.

I react more violently than necessary, but I’m weirded out from Teagan’s dad and I’m exhausted and panicky.  I yank my face out of Dane’s gentle grasp and take a step back.  “You shouldn’t have come here!  I told you I would see you when I could.”

Dane’s face falls, hurt, and then rearranges itself.  “What is with you?” he snaps.

“Why won’t you listen to me?” I plead in anger.  I turn to Shel.  “Why won’t any of you listen to me?”

Shel looks sad and confused by my question and says nothing.

I feel Dane’s hand on my shoulder, and I shrug it off.  “Touching me is not a good idea right now.”

He holds his hands up in surrender in front of him.  “Emma.  Seriously.  What is the problem?”

I eye James, who steps to Dane’s side.  He clenches his fists and looks ready to take a swing.  I need to prove to him that I didn’t ask Dane to be here.

“You!” I answer Dane.  “You are my problem!”

Dane looks flabbergasted and beyond pissed.  I’m making a fine mess of things.  Guilt floods my body as I register his expression.  He’s never done anything to me to make me treat him this way, and my heart aches.

“Emma,” Shel tries to intervene.  “Maybe we should go.  You guys can talk this out another time.”

“No,” Dane says adamantly.  “Let’s do this.”  He takes a step forward and towers over me.  “Go ahead.  Tell me how you really feel.”

I stare up into his eyes and nearly choke on my words as I try to maintain a steady tone.  “You and I can never be anything.  Ever.”

“Why?”  His eyes narrow as he searches my face.  “Give me one good reason.”

My mind scrambles.  “Because I’m messed up beyond words!  You don’t want me; you don’t deserve that.”

Dane scowls.  “Who are you to say what I do and don’t want?  Isn’t that my decision?”

“You think you want me, but you don’t.  I was just a replacement for Teagan when you were lonely, that’s all.”

“You know that’s not true.”  He takes a step closer.  “C’mon, you can do better than that.  What’s the real reason?”

The real reason is standing next to you ready to rip you limb from limb! I think.  My eyes jump to James, who is standing inches from Dane, and I silently pray for him to look at me.  Look at me!  I shout in my head.  Look at me and calm down!

“Well?” Dane presses.

I’m at a loss.  I can’t tell him that I’m still in love with my dead boyfriend!  Or can I?  “I’m in love with someone else,” I say as I try to remain strong.  “I’m seeing someone else.”  It’s not a lie.

Dane takes a step back as if he’s been burned, exposing Shel to my line of vision.  Both of them look at me in awe.  Dane sets his jaw, and his eyes harden.  “Who’s the lucky guy?”

“No one you know,” I say as my eyes flash to James.  He’s finally retreated a few steps although he still looks pissed as hell.

“Why didn’t you just say so?” Dane drills me.

“I didn’t know how…I didn’t want to hurt you.”

He lets out a forced laugh and leans forward.  “Let me tell you something.  This wasn’t the way to do it.”

I feel terrible.  Absolutely horrible.  But what I told him was the truth; I am with someone else.  I just can’t be specific.  I open my mouth to apologize.

He holds out his hand to stop me.  “Don’t,” he says and starts to back toward his car.  “I’ve heard enough for one night.”

“Dane, I…”

“Don’t,” he cuts me off in a hard tone.  “Just don’t.”

With that he turns his back and walks away.  I try to keep my emotions in check in front of Shel and James, but it’s hard.  I look at James and quickly wipe away the few tears that have escaped my eyes.  He nods toward me and then disappears, leaving me to wonder if he’s more upset with me or with Dane.  I finally turn toward Shel.  Now I get to face her wrath.

Instead of words, she wraps me in a vise-like hug.  It’s all I can do to remain standing as my tears well over.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” she says into my shoulder.  “I had no idea you were seeing someone new.”

I shake my head.  “I’m not.”

She pulls back and stares at me.  “Emma!  Why did you do that to Dane?”

I wipe my face.  “So he’d leave me alone and move on.”

She scrutinizes me.  “So, you’re not seeing anyone?”

My emotional state and the inability to discuss anything personal with anyone human clouds my judgment.  I imagine the relief I will feel once I utter what’s on my tongue.  “I’m not seeing anyone new; I’m seeing someone old,” I pause.  “I’m still in love with James,” I tell her.  “I still see James.”

Chapter 19

Sitting on my couch, wrapped in a blanket, I doodle in my notebook with a pencil.  I’ve been back in my apartment since late afternoon, waiting.  For James.  For my head to stop pounding.  For a moment of clarity.  I look down and focus on my scribble.  I’ve written Mr. Meyer’s strange message repeatedly.  No need to worry.  All will be well in time.

I slam my notebook shut and toss it on the coffee table.  I realize that I’ve left my apartment only twice since classes began, and each time I ended up in some psychotic situation.  Every time I leave to help someone, I end up hurting someone else.  Maybe that’s the key.  I should stop leaving to help people.

After I admitted that I still see James, it took most of the night to convince Shel not to call my parents to have me pulled from school and institutionalized.  It was stupid of me to ever let those words leave my lips.  I should have made up a story about dating Garrett instead.  Of course Shel assumed I was having some sort of delusionary James visions, and I went along with her assumption to make things easier.  I managed to convince her that the visions were getting better, and they were nothing I wanted to worry my family over.  I told her I needed time to let myself heal from his loss and that this summer with Dane happened way too fast.  I think she finally understood some of my resistance toward Dane, and she vowed to stop pushing.  Finally.

I decide I need comfort food and homemade chocolate chip cookies seem more than in order.  I peel myself off the couch and shuffle to the kitchen.  I rummage through my cupboards and come up with every ingredient but the baking soda.  I head over to the wall and bang three times.  I’m sure Garrett has some.  It only takes a moment for him to bang back, letting me know he’s home.  I leave my place and return from my baking soda mission successful, but I had to trade the soda for a promise that he could stop by in a few minutes, as soon as the first batch of cookies was done.

I set to work mixing and it calms me.  When every ingredient is combined, I dole out the dough in spoonfuls on a baking sheet, place it in the oven, and then set to eating the majority of the left over batter out of the bowl with the spoon.  I know it’s not good to eat the raw eggs, but Nestle Tollhouse chocolate chip cookie dough is really best uncooked.

“Did you miss your mouth?” I hear James say as he appears in the kitchen.

I pause mid-lick and wipe the corner of my lip with my thumb.  “Better?”

He gives me a tiny smile.  “Much.”

I toss the spoon back into the bowl and walk forward to wrap my arms around his waist.  “Do you know how much you scared me last night?  I thought you were going to punch Dane.”

“I was so close,” he says.  “When I felt your reaction and then saw him touching you…I about went over the edge.  That guy is an expert at pissing me off.”

“Well, you don’t have to worry about him anymore,” I say quietly.  “I’m pretty sure I ruined everything we ever had.”

James pulls away from me slightly.  “You sound sad about that.”

I look up at him.  “I am sad about that.”

“Why?” he frowns.

“Because I hurt him,” I say like it should be obvious.  “He didn’t deserve that.  He’s never done anything, but care about me.”

“Whoa.”  James steps out of my arms.  “Are you being serious right now?”

“Yes.”  My expression twists.  “I don’t get off on hurting people.”

The oven timer beeps, momentarily distracting me.  I grab a dishtowel off counter, use it as a hot pad, and remove the cookie sheet, tossing it noisily on the stovetop.  I turn back to James.  “You’re mad because I feel bad about being mean?”

“I’m mad because you feel bad about being mean to him,” he says, irritated.  “Have you forgotten about the engagement?  His lying to you?”

“He explained that.”

James shakes his head.  “And I still can’t believe you bought it.”

I cross my arms defensively.  “What’s to buy?  He didn’t tell me because he was ending it with her.  Yes, he should have told me, I agree.  But he made a mistake.”

“So now he’s a saint?”

“I’m not saying that!”  Is this what we’re going to do now?  Fight every other day?  I don’t like it, and I’m sick of it.  “Can’t you just be happy?  He’s never going to speak to me again.  Problem solved!”  I march past him and into the living room.  The kitchen is starting to feel claustrophobic.

James follows.  “Are you walking away from me?”

“No!” I turn around.  “I just need some air.”

We stare at each other for a few moments.  Lately, I can’t keep up with his bipolar mood swings.  He was never like this before he died.  I miss the relaxed, fun James he used to be.

“How?” James asks.

“How what?”

“You said he cares for you.  Tell me how.”

I place my hands on my hips and search his face.  My mind flashes back in time to my confrontation with Mrs. Davis, when Dane defended me.  “This summer,” I say adamantly.  “Dane stood up for me when your mother called me a whore.”

His expression changes from one of defiance to one of shock.  We’ve never discussed this.  “What are you talking about?”

“I ran into your mom at the grocery store while running an errand for work.  She blamed me for your death and then called me a whore in front of an aisle full of strangers.  Dane got me out of there; he defended me.”

James’ eyes cloud over.  “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because I didn’t want you to think badly of your mother.”

James looks down, processing what I’ve told him, and then his head snaps up.  “Is there anything else I don’t know?”

I feel the need to defend Dane and my decision to let him into my life.  “He helped me take out my aggressions after you were assigned as my Guardian; he told me his mother died when he was young, and he could relate to my grief.  He said, if I could ever love him, he would wait for me.”

James frowns.  “How is it possible that I know none of these things?”

I take a step toward him.  “They happened while you were keeping your distance from me.”

James studies my face for a moment.  “And if I’d stayed away?” he asks.  “Do you think Dane wouldn’t have left you like he left Teagan?”

“Have you met Teagan?  She’s evil!”

James scoffs.  “Not according to Meg.”

I can feel my forehead pinch as I scowl.  “What’s Meg got to do with this?”

“Meg is Teagan’s Guardian.”

“James!”

Both of our heads snap toward Garrett’s voice, and we find him standing just inside my doorway.

“You know that is privileged information,” Garrett says as he approaches us.  “What are you thinking?”

James takes a step back and sighs heavily.  “Why are you here?”

“I came for cookies.”  Garrett looks at me.  “What is going on?” he demands.

The need to tell Garrett overwhelms me.  Maybe he can set James straight, help him with his behavior.  He was his Guardian and mentor, after all.  “James almost hit Dane last night,” I confess.  Under my lashes, I glance at James.  If looks could kill, I would be dead.  Deader than dead.  James shoots daggers at me.

“Again with the jealousy?” Garrett glares at James.  “Are you begging for attention?  You know that is unacceptable!”

James walks toward Garrett and stops inches from him.  “It’s hard to control,” he nearly growls.  “All of my emotions are getting stronger; nothing is fading like you said it would!”  He glances at me and then to Garrett again.  “The sooner I can be human, the sooner I can be everything she needs.  Then this conversation will mean nothing.”

“You are everything she needs!” Garrett exclaims.

James crosses his arms.  “I don’t see it that way.”

Garrett steps back and stares at James, shaking his head in disbelief.  He looks at me and then closes his eyes, taking a deep breath.  “Sit down.”

When he opens his eyes, we’re both still standing.  “I said sit down.”

I tentatively move to the couch and, begrudgingly, James joins me.  Garrett follows us and takes a seat in the opposite chair.  He rubs his forehead.  “This is not the time I wanted to tell you this,” he says, his voice tired.  “But I think it might alleviate your stress.”  He looks us in the eyes.  “Or at least allow you to move forward.”

My pulse starts to accelerate.

“Emma,” he turns to me, “you’ve become a good friend.  I never expected it, but it’s something I’m truly grateful for.  I don’t want to see you tortured any more than I want to see James struggle.”

James scowls, unconvinced.

“It true,” Garrett says to James.  “You were my Ward.  Every fiber of my being is programmed to protect you, to look out for what’s best, to guide you in your decisions to a life well-lived.  I still feel some of that connection to you now.”  He looks at his hands.  “That’s why, before I tell you this, I need you to know that what I did brought me physical pain.  Pain I thought I no longer had the ability to feel.”  He looks up at James.  “It was debilitating.”

James narrows his eyes.  “What did you do?”

Garrett sits up straight and takes a deep breath.  “I assigned you to Emma, so that you could never be released and so that I could be Reborn.  You can’t be human again,” he pauses, “unless Emma dies.”

I can’t catch my breath.  It feels like I’ve fallen off a high rise and landed on the cement face first.  James, on the other hand, leaps off the couch and shoves Garrett, flipping the chair over and spilling him on to the floor.  “You used me!” he shouts.

“It was the best thing for all of us!” Garrett tries to stand.  “You know the odds of Emma releasing you were slim!”

The sound of my name helps me to breathe again.  “You don’t know that!” I jump to stand.

“The fact that you two are still arguing over Dane proves it,” Garrett says, regaining his balance.  He looks at James.  “I tied you to her for life!  I knew it would be difficult, but I thought you could overcome it.  I truly did.”

James doesn’t care.  He lunges at Garrett and lands a right hook across his jaw with a sickening crunch.  Garrett stumbles to side and catches himself before he hits the wall.  He stands straight and shakes off the pain, taking a defensive stance.

“You let me believe I could be human again!” James swings, but Garrett’s prepared and he misses.

“I had to!” Garrett circles around the couch and behind me.  “We need your cooperation to stay hidden!”

“You made the wrong choice,” James seethes and advances.  “If I can’t be human neither can you.”

“You can’t go to The Allegiant,” Garrett says.  “You’ll ruin the chance for all the others.”

“I don’t care about them!”

“You can’t take this away from Thomas!  Or Joss or Jenna!  Think about Meg,” Garrett tries to reason.  “You can’t take this away from her.”

When Garrett says Meg’s name, James stops in his tracks.  His action causes tears to burn behind my eyes.  I think we all just realized how much he truly does care for her.

Garrett relaxes his stance slightly.  “Please,” he says to James.  “If you care nothing for us and our cause, that’s fine.”  He glances at me.  “But think of Emma.  If The Allegiant find out about your jealousy, you very well may lose her.”

James turns and focuses on me.  His expression registers both anger and pain, and tears start to make tracks down my cheeks.  In a way, I’ve already lost him.  But, I could lose him for absolute and forever if he exposes Garrett’s secret.  The Allegiant would know everything, and they would take his memories of us for sure.  “Don’t do it,” I whisper.

I can see my plea register in his eyes.  Suddenly, James jumps forward, taking Garrett by surprise as he grabs his shirt and throws him up against the door.  “You.  Owe.  Me.”  He enunciates each word.  He lets Garrett’s clothes go with a rough shove and backs away from the door.  He turns toward me with a vacant expression.  “I need some time.”

I nod in understanding.  I’ve seen that look before; I know what it means.  This is where he leaves me to try and stop loving me again.  Will this cycle never end?  I walk to him and wrap my arms around his waist and press my head against his chest.  He hugs me back loosely, as if he’s afraid to touch me.  “I’ll miss you,” I say, muffled.

I can hear him exhale and feel him brush the top of my head with his lips.  He doesn’t return the sentiment or tell me he loves me.  He just evaporates in my arms, leaving my chest feeling hollow and a sob stuck in my throat.

“Emma,” Garrett says from across the room, “I’m sorry, but you can move forward now.  You don’t have to worry about a future with James.”

I shoot Garrett a nasty look.  “You made sure of that, didn’t you?”

He starts to approach me.  I can see the left side of his face is already bruised and starting to swell.  “You know why I did it.”

“Because you’re selfish?” I spit.  “It had nothing to do with what you wanted with Amelia or how it was the best thing for James and me!  You’re an excellent liar.”

“What I said was true.  I wanted to be in Amelia’s life in any way possible.  I would have gladly been her Guardian.”

I back away from him.  “You need to go.  I don’t trust you anymore.”

“Don’t say that.”  He looks crushed.  “You can trust me.”

I shake my head violently.  “You need to leave.  Now.”

Garrett looks down and then backs toward the door.  He opens it then turns to me again.  “I’ll be home if you want to talk.”

I give him a scathing stare.  “That’s so not going to happen.”

“Emma,” he almost pleads.

“Leave!” I yell.

He follows my order and walks through the door, closing it quietly behind him.  I sink to the floor where I stand and let the sob rip through my throat.  I thought I was alone before.  I had no idea I could be even more so.

Chapter 20

My body desperately wants to fall asleep, but my mind won’t let it.  Ever since Garrett’s revelation, I’ve managed three, maybe four hours of sleep a night.  I stopped at the store this afternoon, on my way back from class, and bought a sleep aid because I thought it would help.  I glance at the clock and then roll over in frustration.  It’s one in the morning.  I took those pills hours ago.  They should have kicked in by now.

I rack my brain for things to do.  I have to keep myself occupied, so my mind can’t connect with my heart.  I’ve spent the last four days attending class then working ahead in all of them, as far as I can.  I’ve cleaned my apartment from top to bottom.  I’ve experimented in the kitchen, making myself real meals instead of frozen ones.  I’ve bugged LB so much that she’s grown sick of me, and she hides under the bed whenever I walk into the room.  Today, I even attempted an online job search and applied for three positions.  I’m running out of options.

Lifting my head, I punch the pillow to fluff it, and then flip to my other side.  At least I’ve been able to avoid Garrett.  I was worried about how I would manage to ignore him in Ethics and concentrate on the lecture, but he hasn’t shown up.  Either he’s being a coward, or he’s staying away to make things easier for me.  I close my eyes and grit my teeth.  I refuse to believe he’s doing anything for me out of kindness.  The center of my chest starts to squeeze in that grievously familiar, uncomfortable way, and I try to stop thinking.  Eventually, I’m going to have to come to grips with the fact that I’ve lost someone who pretended to be a friend.

Logical thoughts bounce around in my head.  They suggest action, but my body refuses to listen and cooperate.

If you don’t get enough rest, you’ll get sick.

I know.

Any future with James was a long shot.

Don’t remind me.

Go to sleep.

I can’t.

You should take some more medicine.

Is that really wise?

Call Shel and ask.

It’s after one a.m.

She’ll reassure you.

That’s rude.

Go over and talk to Garrett.

No.

He’ll understand.

He’s no longer a friend.

Call Dane and apologize.

Not an option.

It will make you feel better.

He won’t believe me.

Get up and watch TV.

I need to sleep!

Well, you need to do something.

I KNOW.

I throw the covers off.  This internal conversation is making my head ache.  I need to feel better.  Not amazing, not perfect, not happy.  Just better.  Anything other than this mechanical, numb shell of the person I used to be.  I stare at the ceiling and think of home.  I crave to be there.  Honestly, if I could have one person here with me right now it would be my mother.  I guess that should sound lame coming from a 22-year old, but it’s the truth.  The thought of my family is comforting and, suddenly, I bolt upright.  Why didn’t I think of this before?

I throw my legs off the side of the bed and pad to the living room to find my laptop.  I turn it on and, while it loads, head to the kitchen to make a mug of hot chocolate.  When I return, I navigate to WMU’s website and begin my search; hopefully I can find answers here.  If not, tomorrow I’ll be skulking around campus as I try and get some in person.

My mission is simple.  I need to figure out a way to complete my last semester from home.

The next morning, I sit bleary-eyed in the Advising Office.  Thankfully the advisors are still around on Fridays.  My research yielded promising results; it turns out an approved internship can be used for business elective credits.  I know I have four classes left to complete toward my degree, and I’m hoping that I’ll be able waive a couple in lieu of an internship, while completing the other two online.  I have plenty of time to hit the pavement and find someplace closer to home to intern.

“Emma?” my advisor, Mrs. Andrews, calls to me from behind the welcome desk.  “Come on back.”

I stand and follow the petite woman to her office.  Mrs. Andrews has been my advisor since I started at Western.  She assisted me when I first came to campus, after high school, and then helped me again after James’ accident; I had to find out what my options were and if I could complete my courses from home.  She was very understanding then.  I’m hoping for the same today.

“How have you been?” she asks as she rounds her desk.  “I’m glad to see you.”

I take a seat opposite her and give her a small smile.  “Things have been good,” I lie.  Well, not totally lie.  My classes have been good.  “I was hoping I could get some help planning my last semester.”

“Sure,” she smiles.  “The winter course catalog went live today.  Let’s see what you have left to take.”  She turns toward her computer, asks for my student number, and then pulls up my program and transcript.  “Looks like you only have nine credits left.”

“Nine?” I ask, surprised.  “I thought I had twelve.”

She scrolls through the screens and determines that a course I took by accident my second year now counts toward my degree.  This is great news.  The less I have to complete, the better.

“I was wondering about an internship,” I say.  “I was reading online last night and saw that approved internships can count as credit.”

“If you don’t mind my saying so,” she raises an eyebrow, “it looks like you’ve been spending several nights reading online.  Everything okay?”

I flush with embarrassment.  I must have drifted off to sleep around four or five in the morning only to wake up unrested around seven.  That makes five nights with virtually no sleep resulting in some pretty impressive eye bags.  “The truth is, I’m hoping to move back home for my last semester.  If there’s someplace I can intern close to home and take my remaining courses online that would be perfect.  Being back here has been…” I pause, searching for the right words, “…a little tougher than I imagined.”

She gives me a sympathetic smile.  “I bet.”  Mrs. Andrews wasn’t only my advisor; she was James’ as well.  We were both management majors and our last names started with D.  She reviews my transcript again.  “I’m impressed with your grades,” she comments.  “You finished last semester stronger than I would have anticipated.  I assume this semester is going just as well in that department?”

I nod.  “It appears so.  Right now, anyway.”

“Good,” she says and turns around to grab a form off the credenza behind her.  She consults the computer and then jots down a few items.  Next, she opens a drawer, pulls out a few sheets of paper, and then pushes them toward me.   “You need an economics class, and Intermediate Macroeconomics will be offered online,” she explains and points to the form on the right.  “Registration opens next Monday.”  She shifts the forms and shows me another.  “This is a list of approved internship locations in the area that will count for two business electives, if you can secure at least thirty hours a week.”

I glance at the list and try not to frown.  All of these businesses are in the Kalamazoo area.  This doesn’t help me.

“Now,” she continues, “you have some time.  If you can find an internship at a reputable organization willing to follow these guidelines,” she shows me the third sheet of paper, “as a faculty advisor I can sign off on the credit.”

Now we’re talking.  I smile as I pick up the paper.  “How long do I have to find a place?”

“Technically until the winter semester begins,” she says.  “But I would try to find something as soon as possible.  Positions tend to fill up quickly with students looking for experience to put on resumes.”

“Got it,” I say and collect the other two forms.  I’m beginning to feel better already.

After a moment or two of silence, Mrs. Andrews asks, “Emma, may I give you some unsolicited advice?”

I look up from the paperwork.  “Sure.”

“You’re an excellent student,” she says and folds her hands on her desk.  “Your grades reflect that, but more so you don’t shy away from a challenge.  I know a lot of people who would have taken what happened last spring and used it as an excuse to drop out and quit.  You didn’t and that speaks volumes to your character.”

I give her a small smile.  “That’s the advice?”

“The advice is to never give up,” she says.  “No matter what happens.  Don’t let adversity drain you; use it to make you stronger.  You have great potential and I would hate to see that go to waste.”

My eyes tingle and I focus on the ficus tree in the corner.  Giving up on school was never an option.  Is she telling me this because I look like I’m about to jump off the nearest bridge?  “Do I really look that terrible?” I ask, trying to joke about it.

She laughs.  “Actually, yes.”

I shake my head and choke out a laugh, too.

“You wouldn’t believe the number of students I see that can’t make a move without me,” she continues, sitting back in her chair.  “But you’re self-sufficient.  You’re motivated.  Those are valuable skills that people either have or they don’t.”

I look down at the papers in my hand.  “I just want to find a way to make things the best they can be for me.”

“That’s smart,” she nods with approval.  “Whatever it is that’s going on in your life right now, you’re using it to stay true to yourself.  Use whatever it is to move you through this next semester.  Before you know it, you’ll be graduating.”

I catch her eyes.  “Thank you,” I say sincerely.  “I needed to hear that.”

“Well, there’s something else you need to hear.”  She leans forward.  “Get some rest.”

I nod and chuckle.  “I think that will be easier now that I have a plan.”

She smiles at me warmly.  “I’m glad I could help.”

As I head back to my apartment, I process Mrs. Andrews’ words and hope starts to bloom inside my chest.  Someone I barely know thinks I’m strong; someone recognizes my hard work and dedication.  I’m not just a sorry mess dwelling on lost loves, lost friends, and loneliness.  I accept challenges.  I’m motivated.  I have potential.

A grin breaks out across my face and I walk faster, determined.  I’m not going down without a fight.  I have a life to live.  No James, no Dane, no Garrett, no problem.

It’s time to stand up and rock my future.

“Shel?”

“Hey!”

“Listen,” I shift the phone to hold it between my face and my shoulder, “I need some ideas.  I have to find a business near home that will take me as an intern.”

I can imagine her frown.  “Why?”

“Because I’m moving back.”  I pick up another shirt from the laundry basket.  “I found out I can intern in place of two electives next semester.”

She pauses.  “This is because of the James visions, isn’t it?  They’re back, aren’t they?”

She sounds concerned.  I want to tell her that the James “visions” are gone indefinitely, but I opt for “No, they’re not.  I’m just tired of being alone.”

“Well, that’s easy,” she says.  “Bay Woods.”

I groan.  “Definitely not.  Try again.”

She laughs.  “You could always try Legionnaire.  Mr. Meyer seemed smitten with you.”

“Ugh!  Shel!  I’m being serious!”

“Let me think…”

I wait in silence as I fold clothes.  Where is my other gray sock?

“Duh!” Shel exclaims.  “The veterinary clinic.  Call Matt.  His dad will take you in a heartbeat.”

“Yes!” I drop my socks back into the basket.  “Shel, you’re a life saver.”

“Well, that is the idea.  I am studying to be a doctor.”

After I hang up with her, I call Matt immediately.  He seems just as excited as I am about the possibility of my working at the clinic.  Apparently Sheila, the current office manager, is pregnant and due in January.  Matt was asked to fill in for her, as he occasionally does, but he’s dreading the long commitment.  He, too, has some classes to finish, but he doesn’t want to commute back and forth to school.

“I’ll talk to my dad about this tonight,” he says.  “Take down his email address, so you can send him the school’s guidelines.”

I find a piece of scrap paper and scribble down the address as he recites it to me.

“It will be great to have you around again, Em,” Matt says sincerely.  Too sincerely.

“You’ve been talking to Shel, haven’t you?” I ask suspiciously.  She’s probably mentioned my fake visions.

He laughs.  “Only every day.”

After emailing Matt and finishing laundry, I curl up on the couch and flip through the television channels.  I finally settle on an episode of Dr. G Medical Examiner, and I imagine Shel as Dr. G.  It makes me laugh.  I know she prefers live bodies to dead ones, but as her investigative skills at Dane’s birthday party come back to me, I think she would make a great M.E.

As the show goes on, my body relaxes.  Half way through I crash hard into a deep sleep.  It’s so deep that I don’t change positions, I don’t dream, and I don’t feel LB jump on or off me.  I’m dead to the world, just like one of Dr. G’s patients.

That’s why, when I feel my body being roughly shaken, I’m startled.  I lash out, kicking and hitting.  My foot connects with someone, and my eyes fly open.  Garrett is standing above me.

“What do you want?” I ask angrily.

“There’s trouble,” Garrett says in somber tone.

I force my eyes open.  “What are you talking about?”

“We need to get you out of here.”

He tries to grab my elbow, and I jerk it away.  “No!  Why?”

He looks at me with a mixed expression of anxiety and remorse.  “You’re in danger.”

As soon as he utters those words, James immediately appears on the other side of the room. “What’s going on?” he demands.

Garrett regards him with a grave expression.  “The Allegiant are coming for Emma.”

Chapter 21

“The hell they are,” James snaps.

Garrett turns to me.  “I’m serious.  You need to pack, and you need to pack now.  I have access to some money –”

He’s cut off by James shoving him roughly against his shoulder.  “She’s not going anywhere!”

“Listen!” Garrett eyes the both of us.  “The Allegiant know.”  He kneels in front of the couch to meet my eyes.  “They will use James to get to me and use you to get to James.”

A thousand questions blaze through my brain.  I know I should be scared, but all I feel is anger.  “Then why don’t you disappear?”

“I will,” he says, and then looks at James over his shoulder.  “We all need to.”

“What happened?” James presses, stepping forward.  “Emma has done nothing wrong; she’s got nothing to do with being Reborn.”

Garrett stands to face to him.  “Meg and Jenna were overheard.”

James squints in confusion.  “So?  Whatever was heard could easily be written off as gossip.”

“Not this time.”  Garrett shakes his head solemnly.  “Meg was Touched.”

My stomach starts to knot in an uncomfortable way.  I have no idea what that means, but judging from James’ dazed expression, I know it can’t be good.  His eyes gloss over, and he looks as if the breath has been knocked from his lungs.  After a moment his eyes dart to mine, and he moves to stand in front of me protectively, crossing his arms.  He’s all business as his eyes lock on Garrett.  “Tell me what we have to do.”

“Wait.”  I jump off the couch.  “What does that mean?  She was Touched?”

James turns his face toward me.  “The Allegiant can render you immobile and force you to speak the truth.”

I start to nod in understanding, but then stop as I process what that means.  I give James a wary look.  Meg knows about Garrett, obviously, but she also knows about James.  She knows about us, about his inability to let go.  My voice sounds small.  “Do you think –?”

James assumes my question and interrupts.  “Absolutely.”  He sets his mouth in a grim line.

“We need to get moving,” Garrett redirects our attention.  He looks anxious as he addresses me.  “You have a suitcase, right?  Or a bag?”

My mind scrambles.  He wants me to pack?  For where?  My eyes catch the paper on the coffee table that holds Dr. Randall’s email address, and this afternoon floods my memory.  I remember how confident and happy I felt about my plans.  I was going home.  “No,” I say to myself and then raise my head adamantly.  “No.  I’m not going anywhere.”

“Emma.”  Garrett gives me an exasperated look.

I eye both him and James.  “In case you haven’t noticed, I have a life to live.  I have obligations.  I can’t just pick up and leave!  What about school?  What about my parents?”

Garrett reaches for my elbow.  “We’ll work on that while we drive.”

I yank my arm away.  “Drive where exactly?”

Garrett’s eyes flash to James.  “We need to work that out.”

I laugh sarcastically.  “So, there’s no plan?  We leave and drive aimlessly?  I kick you out of the car in one town and then hole up in another?  Alone?”  I shake my head.  “I don’t think so.”

James wraps his cool hand around my arm in a reassuring way.  “You don’t have a choice.”

I shoot him a scathing look then stalk away from him, pulling my arm through his grasp.  I set my hands on my hips and face them.  “I always have a choice.”

Both of them regard me with a mixture of frustration and concern.  I know The Allegiant finding out is bad news, but there has to be another way to work through this.  Running and hiding sounds cowardly and childish.

“Em,” James says, pleading.  “You don’t understand.”

“You’re right,” I scowl.  “If The Allegiant show up, what can they do?  If you two leave, I won’t know where you are.  I’ll have nothing to tell them.”

“You’re wrong,” Garrett says.  “You’ll have your thoughts and memories to share.”  He walks toward me.  “Do you want James taken from you?  Your past together erased?”

My face twists as James picks up on Garrett’s pause.  “They’ll hurt you, Em.”  He looks nauseous.  “They’ll put you in danger, so that I’ll have no choice but to come to you.  They’ll use our bond against us.”

His tortured expression puts a dent in my defenses.  I have to admit that being in pain is not something I enjoy, nor do I want him gone from my life.  My eyes lock on James.  “I would never want that.”

He approaches me slowly.  “I know.  We’ll work things out, I promise.  Your classes, your parents…”  He stops in front of me.  “But I have to keep you safe.  It’s my only priority.”

Internally, I struggle trying to strategize.  I know the connection James has to me is a problem, but it’s not his fault.  None of this is our fault.  Forget Garrett and his quest to be human.  “What if we stayed?” I ask.

He frowns.  “What do you mean?”

“Wait for The Allegiant with me; we can explain that we’re pawns.”  My eyes flit accusingly at Garrett.  “You didn’t ask to be my Guardian.”

James searches my face as he considers my proposition.  From what I know, our situation is unique.  The Allegiant may be open to an honest discussion; they may have mercy on us.  In my book, Garrett is the real offender.

“Emma,” Garrett interrupts, appearing by my side.  “That won’t work.”

“Why not?”

“The Allegiant are not forgiving,” he says and eyes James.  “They won’t accept explanations, especially now.”

I’m not letting this go.  I want to stay in familiar surroundings with James in my life; I want to follow through on my plans for graduation.  I know I just came up with them today, but it hurts my heart to think otherwise.  “How do you know?”  I point at Garrett’s chest.  “How do you know they’ll refuse to listen?”

He crosses his arms impatiently.  “Because I do.”

His arrogance bothers me, and I narrow my eyes.  “You need a better explanation.”  I defiantly look at James.  “If he doesn’t have a better answer, I’m staying.  I mean it.”

James assesses me for a moment then turns to Garrett.  “She’s not kidding.  We’ll have to make her leave.”

I step away from them.  “You wouldn’t dare!”

Out of nowhere, an unfamiliar phone rings.  I look at the two of them in confusion as Garrett reaches into his back pocket and reluctantly produces a cell phone.  He walks away to take the call, and James and I look at each other, puzzled.  Since when does Garrett have a phone?

It’s a short conversation.  After his initial greeting of “Yes?” the only other word James and I hear him utter is “no” before hanging up.  He stands with his back to us, head down, revealing nothing.  James and I give each other a wary look, and I wrap my arms around my waist.

It seems like minutes before Garrett turns around, but I’m sure only silent seconds have passed.  He regards us with a sober expression as his face registers our questions.  He slides the phone back into his pocket.  “That was Lucas.”

“Lucas who?” James asks.

“Lucas was my Guardian,” he says and closes the distance between us.  “And he’s now one of The Allegiant.”

My jaw hits the floor.  I look at James, and he’s equally as shocked.  As he regains his composure, I can see tension take over his face and radiate down his neck to his shoulders.  “Start talking,” he seethes.

Garrett nods toward me.  “I’ll start talking when she starts packing.”

James abruptly grabs my wrist and pulls me toward the bedroom.  I willingly follow, not that I could resist him.  He’s gotten stronger, and I’m sure he would have picked me up and carried me if he had to.  As we enter the room, he flips the light switch and tows me toward my closet.  He throws open the door and looks pointedly from my suitcase to me.  I nod and he releases my wrist, stepping around me to face Garrett.  I grab my suitcase and toss it on the bed.

“Don’t you have anything bigger?” Garrett asks.

I shoot him a sarcastic look and then head to my dresser, yanking open the top drawer.  Behind me I hear James snap, “You’ve been working with The Allegiant all along?”

“Just Lucas,” Garrett says.  “He was the only one who knew.”

“Why?”

“Becoming Reborn was his idea; he knew I missed humanity.”

I grab a handful of socks and underwear and turn back toward the bed to put them in my bag.

James frowns.  “I thought being Reborn was a secret The Allegiant didn’t allow.”

“You’re right,” Garrett says.  “Lucas’ views vary from his brothers; they follow an ancient doctrine.  He’s trying to prove a point, and he needs me to be successful.”

“What’s he trying to prove?” I ask, pausing over my suitcase.

Garrett shakes his head.  “He hasn’t revealed that to me, in case I’m caught by the others.  All he said was that it would benefit humanity.”

“And you believe him?” James asks skeptically.

“Of course I do,” Garrett looks offended.  “He was my Guardian.”

James looks doubtful.  “Do the other Guardians know?”

Garrett opens his mouth to answer then pauses.  He eyes my nearly empty suitcase and then meets my gaze.  I get the hint.  No more information if I don’t start moving.  I turn back toward my dresser.

“Just Jack,” Garrett continues.  “Lucas was his Guardian too, since we’re twins.  He brought being Reborn to both of us.”

I pull out a few sweaters from my dresser then move down a drawer to grab some jeans.

“Why didn’t you tell us?” James asks in frustration.  “It would have been easier knowing we had an ally.”

“If you knew and you were caught, Lucas would be exposed,” Garrett says.  “The only reason he was able to warn me about Meg and Jenna was because they were kept in the dark.”

“What will happen to them?” I ask quietly, my arms full of clothes.

Garrett gives me a grim look.  “Right now, they’re being held for information while The Allegiant try to locate the rest of us.  Thankfully, Jack was visiting me when I got the call and he’s disappeared.”

My stomach drops as I think of Jack running.  He came across so tough.  I start to feel even more ill at the thought of Thomas and Joss being captured; they’re so kind and Thomas would do anything for Joss, including put himself at risk.

Garrett continues.  “Lucas called to ask about our progress.  He’s been pretending to be outraged while stalling at the same time.  That’s why we have to move; we have to scatter.”

I drop my clothes into the suitcase as James says, “So let’s go.”

“None of us can know where the others end up,” Garrett strategizes with James.  “You need to stay out of the Intermediate and away from Emma.”

The thought of being alone in some strange place doesn’t sit well with my heart, and suddenly I have a hard time catching my breath.  My mental state already took a hit this week; I don’t know how much more I can handle.  Top that off with trying to figure out how to finish school and avoid my parents, and I’m about ready to hyperventilate.

James immediately senses my anxiety.  “What’s wrong?”  He steps away from Garrett and walks toward me, taking my hand and leading me to sit on the bed.  He looks into my eyes with a mixed expression of fear, concern, and utter helplessness.

It’s in that moment that I resolve to get through this.  I concentrate and work on steadying my breathing to a natural rhythm.  I can’t have him worrying about me and torturing himself to stay away.  “It’s okay,” I say and stand back up.  “I just panicked for a second.  I’ll be all right.”  I reach for my suitcase and busy myself organizing things so they will fit.

James’ attention is pulled away from me by Garrett.  “I’ll go with Emma.  We’ll take her car and head out; it’s the fastest way to get me out of town.  She’ll drop me somewhere, but I won’t stay.  Then she can head someplace else.”

My head snaps up.  “Can I go home?” I ask hopefully.  Surely I can give my parents a good excuse as to why I’ve moved back.

Sadly, Garrett shakes his head.  “I’m sorry.  If James is found by The Allegiant, they would know to look for you there.”

“But if they have James, why would they need me?”  Not that I want James caught.

“To use you against me,” James says quietly.

“And to try and locate me,” Garrett adds.  “They’ll assume you know more than you do.”

Damn it.  I go back to shoving my clothes into my suitcase.  The realization hits that I’m really going through with this, and I’ll need more than clothes.  I head out of the room, to the bathroom, to start collecting my toiletries.  The boys follow me and resume their discussion in the living area, and I’m glad.  I need a few minutes to concentrate on what I need to bring rather than all the what-if’s.  If I allow myself to think about this too much, I’ll probably freak out again.

I collect my things from the bathroom cabinet and move to the bedroom, catching snippets of their conversation.

“…once things are safe I’ll contact Emma.  You’ll feel it through your bond.”

“How long do you think that will be?”

“At least until I’m human, I’m sure.”

I shudder when I hear that answer and try to tune them out.  I squish my bathroom bag into the front pocket of my suitcase and realize I forgot my shower stuff.   I head back to the bathroom.

“…wish we had more time to plan.”

“Don’t I know it.”

“I’m not comfortable with her being alone.”

“Neither am I.”

I peruse the bathroom to make sure I have everything and head back to the bedroom again.

“…are you sure?”

“…Evelyn said...”

I manage to fit my shower items into a side pocket and zip it up tight.  I stand and look around my room.  I’ll need my textbooks, my laptop, LB of course, her stuff…  I walk to my closet and fish out her carrier.

“Do you need any help?”

I peer around the closet door to find Garrett standing in my room.  “Yes,” I sigh and hold out the carrier.  “Can you get LB into this?  She hates it.”

He nods and walks forward to take the carrier from my hands.  He sets it on the floor, opens the door, and then leaves the room to round up LB.  When he returns with her a moment later, I watch in amazement as he gently places her in the carrier without any trouble and shuts the door tight.  She doesn’t make a peep.

“How did you do that?” I ask wide-eyed.

“Reiki, remember?”  He gives me a crooked smile.

I sigh and give him a defeated smirk in return.  Who knew I would miss the reiki days?

I move to pick my backpack off the floor and start to stuff my textbooks and notes inside.  Garrett collects a book and hands it to me.  “I’m really sorry about this,” he says sincerely.  “I wish we didn’t have to go.”

I take the book from him.  “We don’t have a choice, remember?”

He nods and picks up my Ethics folder, turning it over in his hands as I continue to pack.  When I finally take the folder from him, he sets his hand tentatively on my shoulder.  “I hate that you’re mad at me.”

Well, I hate it too.  I pretend to organize my bag.

“Will you look at me?” he asks.

I try to remain impassive and turn my head.

“If there was any other way to be Reborn, I would have chosen it,” he says.  “I want you to know that I didn’t do this to purposefully hurt you or James.”

I stare at him in silence.  I’m not ready to forgive him just yet.

He looks sad and awkwardly removes his hand from my shoulder.  “I just…I hope one day we can be friends again.”

I look away from him and nod in agreement.  “Maybe one day.”  I pretend to look for more items to pack.  I realize my computer is in the living room and turn to go get it.  “I need my laptop.”  I walk past him and out of the room without any reconciliation between us.  I don’t know when I’ll be able to move past what he did.

I find my computer on the coffee table, where I left it, and gather it with a few other papers.  As I head back to the bedroom I realize James is gone.  I sidestep and glance around the kitchen, although why he’d be in there I don’t know.  I return to the bedroom, frowning.  “Where’s James?”

Garrett faces me.  “He wanted to investigate some options.”

“Options?”

“He doesn’t like the idea of you being alone in an unknown place, especially since he can’t check on you.”

I feel my face contort.  “I thought time was of the essence.  Shouldn’t we get going?  When will he be back?”  I would like to see him once more before I leave for Nowheresville.

“I gave him an hour,” Garrett says.  “If we don’t hear from him by then we’re out of here.”

What’s with the hurry up and wait?  I don’t need time for second thoughts!  I roughly push my laptop into my backpack and walk over to yank the charger from the wall.

Garrett and I spend our time in relative silence, working to gather as much as is necessary.  He empties LB’s litter box so I can take it with me, and I scour the kitchen bagging her food, dry snacks for me, and bottles of water in a grocery bag.  Who knows how long I’ll be driving?  Once that stuff is collected, we carry everything to my car and fill the trunk.  On the way, we stop at Garrett’s apartment where he grabs a full duffle bag.

“When did you have time to pack?” I ask.

“Jack did it for me before he left,” he says.  “So that I could warn you.”

Once the car is loaded, we head back to my place to wait for James with LB.  Garrett pulls his phone from his pocket and takes a seat next to me on the couch.  “What’s your number?” he asks.

“Since when have you had a phone?”

“Since always.”  He navigates to his contact list.  “Your number?”

I recite it to him and watch as he enters it, saving it without a name assigned.  I notice he has only two contacts.

“I won’t call you until things are safe,” he says and studies my face.  “Or unless Lucas calls with another warning to move.”

“Because they can trace me through James?”

“Yes, and they can trace James through me.  I still carry some of his bond.  I’m not fully human yet.”  He looks remorseful.  “That reminds me,” he says and opens a notes app on his phone.  “I need your bank information.”

“What for?”

“Lucas transferred an obscene amount of money into my account to facilitate this move and any others that might come up; he’s been the one supporting me.  He requested that I get your information, so that he may do the same for you.”

“Really?”  That’s kind of nice, I guess.

“Believe it or not, he feels bad.  He doesn’t enjoy hurting others.”

I shrug.  What the hell?  It’s not like I’m rich and this Lucas is apparently loaded.  I don’t think he’s going to drain my account.  I give Garrett my bank name and checking account number.

I glance at the time and James’ hour is nearly up.  There’s been no word from him.  Garrett paces as I mindlessly flip through the television channels for a distraction.  I guess I should start thinking about which direction to drive.  Should I head north and stay in Michigan or drive out of the state?  I’ve never been further west than Chicago, when we went there for a weekend school trip.  Maybe I should pick a big city; it would be easier to get “lost.”

Garrett’s cell phone rings, scattering my thoughts and making me jump.

“Hello?” he answers.  I watch him look at me and nod.  “We’re leaving now.”  He hangs up.

“Who was that?” I ask, my nerves rattled.

“James,” he says.  “It’s time to go.”

“Where?”

“Kalamazoo International Airport.”

It takes only fifteen minutes to get there.  I lug my overstuffed backpack and LB inside; Garrett carries my suitcase.  We find a long bench opposite the ticket counter, and Garrett takes a seat.

“Now what?” I ask.  “Where are we going?”

“Only you’re going,” he says and looks around.  His eyes land back on me.  “But I don’t know where.”

I roll my eyes.  Fabulous.  More unanswered questions.  I plop down next to him on the bench.  The stress and anxiety of the last couple hours is taking its toll.  It’s late and I’m exhausted; my interrupted nap did nothing to compensate for my lack of sleep over the last five nights.  I yawn as I ask, “So, what do we do?  Wait for James?”

He nods.

Well, he should be here any minute, diligent Guardian that he is.  I try to people watch as I comb through the possibilities.  Where would James want me to go by plane?  He must want me to get as far away as possible.  Alaska?  I shiver at the idea.  I hate the cold.  Garrett said James didn’t want me to be alone.  I have no family out of state except a few cousins in Colorado that I never see.  That must be it.  James has never met them, and I’ve never visited there.  But, wait, no.  They would be sure to call my parents and let them know I unexpectedly traveled across the country to visit unannounced.  My mind continues to spin and then starts to fade as my eyes grow heavy.  I find myself falling asleep and then jerking awake as soon as my chin hits my chest.  Garrett notices.

“You can lean on me if you want.”

The offer is enticing.  What I wouldn’t give to lie down right now.  He nods toward his shoulder and I lean over, setting my head against it.  He wraps his arm around my back and side to keep me upright.  I feel myself fading into sleep again as I wonder what is taking James so long.  Let’s do this already.

As I’m intermittently awakened by flight announcements, I lose track of time.  I fade in and out of consciousness, and gladly too.  My body and my mind need to rest.  I do think about LB though, and if she needs to use the litter box.  Poor thing.  I hope Garrett’s reiki calmed those urges, too; I have no idea where I could take her.  As time passes, a deeper sleep finds me and I welcome it.

“Emma?  Emma, wake up.”

I hear James’ voice and feel my shoulder being nudged.

“Wake up, Em.  It’s almost time to go.”

I force my eyes open to a squint, and James’ face is fuzzy.  “You’re here,” I croak, my throat thick with sleep.

His face is level before me, and he gives me a sad smile.  “I am,” he says.  “You need to start waking up.  Your flight will be boarding soon.”

I try to widen my eyes and focus.  “What took you so long?”  It feels like I’ve been passed out for hours.

“I brought someone to go with you,” he says.  “So you won’t be alone.”

My face twists.  Is he kidding?  That can’t be possible.  I blink and things go fuzzy and then clear again.  I must be dreaming.  I rub my eyes to make sure.  No, I’m awake.

James stands and steps to the side, so he’s no longer blocking my line of view.  Who he reveals makes me second-guess my sanity.  Maybe I am still asleep.  That or I’ve stepped into an alternate universe.

My travel companion steps forward.  “Hey, Grace.”

Chapter 22

I’m speechless.

I look from Dane, to James, and then to Garrett in disbelief.  “Did you know about this?”

He nods.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I asked him not to,” James says, redirecting my attention.  He glances at Dane.  “I wasn’t sure if he would play along.”

I stare at James wide-eyed and then look at Dane.  He gives me a small shrug and shifts his weight uncomfortably.  Never in a million years did I think anything like this would ever happen.

“Come on.”  James reaches for my hand.  “We have to get you two through security.”

He helps me stand and my legs feel stiff and disjointed after sitting for so long.  “What about LB?” I ask.  “Did you make arrangements for her, too?”

“Shit.”  James drops my hand and looks at Dane.  “We forgot about the cat.”

“I’ve got it,” Garrett says and stands, looking at me.  “You need to get going.  I’ll take her with me,” he hesitates.  “That is, if it’s okay with you.”

I look down at LB.  I know I’ll miss her if I send her away.  I lift the carrier off the floor, placing it on the bench, so I can peer inside.  The movement wakes her, and she hisses at me.  Apparently she won’t miss me as much.  “Love you, too,” I tell her and give her a sad smile.  I stand and turn to Garrett.  “I think she likes you better anyway.  Thank you.”

“I’ll take good care of her,” he promises.

My eyes jump to Dane, and I see he has my suitcase in one hand and his in the other.  I turn around to grab my backpack and throw it on my shoulder, then pause.  “Here.”  I reach into my purse and fish out my car keys, handing them to Garrett.  “You’ll need LB’s things, so you might as well take my car.  It doesn’t look like I’ll need it.”

He pulls the keys from my hand.  “I’ll take good care of that, too,” he says quietly.

Dane clears his throat.  “We should probably get these bags checked in,” he says.  “Our flight leaves in less than an hour.”

My eyes lock on James.  He nods his approval, and I follow Dane as he tows our luggage to the ticket counter.  The woman working the desk gives us a friendly smile and asks Dane’s last name.

“Walker,” he says.

“Party of two?” she confirms.

“Yes.”

“Checking any bags this evening?”

He eyes my backpack.  “Do you want to carry that or check it?”

It’s heavy and bulky.  “Check it, please.”

“Three.”

The woman asks to see our ID and then presses a few keys.  “I’ll have your boarding passes in a moment,” she says and steps away.

“Wait,” I say in surprise.  “When did you buy the tickets?”

He gives me half a smile.  “About three hours ago.”

The woman returns with the passes, tears them apart, and hands them to Dane.  She then grabs the luggage tags and loops them through each suitcase handle.  I hand her my backpack.  When everything is tagged, she says, “You’re all set.  Enjoy the Caribbean.”

What?

“Thank you,” Dane smiles and turns away from the counter.

“The Caribbean?” I ask under my breath as we make our way back to James.  “Isn’t that a little extravagant?”

“We’ll talk about it later,” he whispers.

When we reach James and Garrett, Dane gives them a nod and leaves me alone with them, walking several feet away to lean against a post.  My throat goes dry and my heart begins to pound.

“Stay safe,” Garrett says.  “Remember, I’ll only contact you if it’s necessary.”

I inhale like I’m confident.  “Got it.”  I gesture toward LB.  “Don’t let her take advantage of you.”

He gives me a timid smile.  “I’ll try not to.”  He looks between James and I.  “I’ll let you two have a few minutes.  I need to get going myself.”  He turns and collects LB, then looks at me sincerely.  “Have a safe trip.”

I nod and my throat constricts.  When will I see them again?  Will I see them again?

Garrett pauses next to James.  “You too.  Be careful.”

James and I watch as Garrett carries LB toward the exit.  When he reaches the sliding doors, he gives us one last look and a small wave, which makes the blood drain from my face.

“Hey,” James steps to my side.  “Everything will be all right.”

I give him a wary look.

“Listen.”  He stands directly in front of me, placing his hands on either side of my face, cradling it.  “I’m not going to let anything happen to you.  Got it?  Believe in that.”

I close my eyes and whisper, “It’s not just me I’m worried about.”

His cold lips graze my forehead.  “I’ll be fine.”

I open my eyes.  “You promise?”

He nods and steps back, his hands sliding down my arms.  I catch a glimpse of Dane over his shoulder and ask, “You’re sure you want me to do this?”

He gives me a questioning look.

“Run away with Dane?”

“No.  I want to be the one you run away with.”  He glances over his shoulder.  “But since I can’t be,” he turns back around, “he’s the next best choice.”

My mouth falls open.

“The most important thing is your protection,” James says earnestly.  “I remember what he did for you last summer.  He did something I couldn’t, and he’s here to do it again.”

“But…” I protest.

“Regardless of how I feel, this isn’t about me.  It’s about what’s best for you.  Dane and I had a long talk about it on the way here,” he says and looks into my eyes.  “Let him take care of you, Emma.”

I can’t believe I’m hearing this.

“Um, guys?” Dane asks, hushed, from behind James.  “People are staring.”

I glance around and catch a young couple avert their gaze.

“It looks like you’re talking to yourself,” Dane says.

I quickly adjust my features and focus on Dane’s face.  “Thanks.”

James looks from Dane to me.  “You should go.  You don’t want to miss your flight to where ever,” he says, trying to be lighthearted.

My pulse accelerates.  “I don’t want to say goodbye.”

“Then don’t,” he says in all seriousness.  “I’ll see you soon.  Before you know it.”

I remain motionless as he steps forward and kisses me softly on the lips.  Every part of me wants to wrap my arms around him, but I don’t.  I don’t want to draw attention to myself again.

“I love you,” he says.

“Love you, too,” I barely whisper.

And just like that, he vanishes.

I blink away the few tears that pop into my eyes.  When they’re clear, I raise my head to find Dane standing with his back to me, blocking me from the view of the ticket counter and the people that wait there.

“He’s gone,” I say and step around him.

Dane looks at me with a mixed expression.  I can’t tell if he feels bad for me or if he is irritated.  He starts to walk in the direction of the escalators, and I follow.

It doesn’t take us long to get through the security line; Kalamazoo International is a relatively small airport.  Dane waits for me to retie my tennis shoes and slip my jacket on before heading to the gate.  We round a corner and end up at gate four, destination Miami, Florida.

“Miami?” I ask as we find two empty seats.

“We have a small layover.”  He leans forward to rest his elbows on his knees and gives me a wry smile.  “It’s the best I could do on short notice.  Then it’s on to St. Thomas.”

My eyebrows shoot up.  “As in the Virgin Islands?”

“The same.”

Of all the places in the world, how did he come up with the Virgin Islands?  Not that I’m complaining.  If anything, it’s not Alaska.  I can do tropical.

“So…” Dane drifts off and looks uncomfortable.

He looks lost for words, as am I.  I twist my fingers in my lap.  He must have a million questions.

“James never left you,” he says matter-of-factly.

I shake my head, sheepish.  “No.”

“It explains a lot,” he says and looks at his feet.  “It explains a whole lot.”

“I’m sorry.”  I lean forward and try to catch his eyes.  “You know why I couldn’t tell you, right?  I tried to deal with things as best I could, but I was terrible at it.  I’m so s –”

“Stop,” he interrupts and looks at me.  “It’s not your fault.”

I frown.  “Of course it’s my fault!  The last time I saw you, I handled it completely wrong, and I hurt you, and –”

He sets his hand on my knee.  “I said stop.”

I shut my mouth.

“There’s only one person I blame for your actions and it’s not you,” he says as he searches my face.  “So stop apologizing.”

Who does he blame?  Himself?  That’s not fair.  “You can’t blame yourself,” I say, appalled.  “You had no idea what was going on.”

He snorts.  “I don’t blame myself.”

A voice comes over the PA.  “Good evening, passengers.  We will now start boarding flight 513 with non-stop service to Miami.  At this time, we’d like to start with our first class passengers and any guests that require special assistance.  Again, that’s flight 513 with service to Miami.  Welcome aboard.”

Dane stands.  “That’s us.”

A line of elderly people begins to form near the jet way.  I see a man in a wheelchair and a woman using a walker.  I look up at Dane and smirk.  “Do I require special assistance?”

He rolls his eyes.  “No, doofus.  First class.  Let’s go.”

I stand, impressed.  “Do you treat all the girls you save from the supernatural this way?”

He grins.  “Only you, baby.  Only you.”

Our seats are in the second row of the plane.  Dane graciously allows me to take the window seat, and I fiddle with the seatbelt as he gets comfortable.  I look around and play with the window shade, and then pluck the safety card out of the seat pocket in front of me.  As the other passengers file in, I open the card and study the pictures of the emergency exits and use of the oxygen masks.

“What’s so interesting?” Dane leans over my shoulder.

“Have you ever heard of the oxygen masks actually being used?”

“No.  Why?”

“Just curious.”

I continue to study the card, twisting around to locate another exit.  First class is blocked by a partition, and I can’t see more than two rows behind me.

Dane frowns.  “What are you looking for?”

“The exits,” I say seriously.  “I’ve never flown before.”

“You’re kidding.”  He looks shocked.  “You’ve never been in a plane?”

I shake my head.

“Ever?”

I roll my eyes.  “That’s what no means.”

He looks amused.  “Are you scared?”

I give him a stale look.  “No, I’m not.  I’m just trying to be prepared.”

He tries not to smile.  “FYI, your seat cushion can be used as a flotation device.”

“That’s very helpful,” I say sarcastically, “seeing as how we’ll be flying over land the entire time.”

He laughs.

Eventually, the plane is full and the flight attendants give us their spiel as we taxi.  When it comes to the actual takeoff, I have to admit that it’s kind of a rush, and I like it.  Dane gives me a few sideways glances; I think to make sure I’m not nervous, or ready to puke, or anything.  As we climb higher in the sky and the plane levels itself, I stare out the window into the darkness as a realization settles over me.  I’ve just left behind everything comfortable and familiar in my life.  I’ve left behind everyone I love for something I can never explain, and they don’t even know it.  I feel my throat constrict.

Dane nudges my arm.  “Would you like something?”

I rip my eyes from the window and see one of the flight attendants hovering over him.  “Like what?”

“We have water, coffee, juice, soda, wine, and liquor.  Would you like a cocktail?” she asks, too perky for this time of night.

“Um, water.  Please.”

She hands me a bottle from her cart.  “And for you, sir?”

Dane looks at me.  “I think I could use something stronger than water.”  He turns back to Ms. Perky.  “What have you got for mixed drinks?”

I focus my attention back on the night sky, blocking them out and ignoring what he orders.  He deserves to have whatever he wants; shoot, give him the whole damn bottle of whatever.  Tonight, he left his life behind, too.

All because of me.

I close my eyes as the thought weighs heavily on my conscience.  How will I ever repay him?

“Here.”  He nudges my arm again and hands me a small plastic bag.  Ear buds.  “They’re complimentary.”

“Thanks,” I say quietly and slowly take them from his hand.

His hazel eyes register concern.  “What’s wrong?”

I immediately force a weak smile.  “Nothing.  Just tired.”

He frowns.  I know he doesn’t believe me.  I busy myself by tearing open the bag and locating the connection in the armrest, just like I saw the woman across the aisle do.  I pop the buds in my ears and find the first tolerable music station, then close my eyes and lean back in my seat to lose myself.  I can’t have a heart to heart talk with him right now.  You think a crying baby on an airplane is bad?  Nobody wants to have their flight ruined by a sobbing mess of a grown woman.

Our layover in Miami is only thirty minutes, which allows us just enough time to get from one gate to the next.  The plane we’re taking to St. Thomas is nothing like the jet we took from Kalamazoo; it’s tiny, with propellers on the wings, and we have to walk out onto the tarmac to board.  When we’re seated, the plane holds only six passengers, including us.  Two of them are clearly a couple; they’re all over each other kissing and giggling.

“Geez,” I mutter under my breath.  “Get a room already.”

Dane snickers.

The flight is a short hop to the island, and I’m so grateful to be nearing the end of this journey.  The Cyril E. King airport in St. Thomas is even smaller than K Zoo International, and it takes us no time to collect our three bags.  I follow Dane to the car rental counter.

“Why don’t you sit down?” he suggests, concerned.  “You look like you’re ready to keel over.”

I eye a nearby bank of chairs and shuffle my way to one of them.  I take this opportunity to remove my jacket.  It’s hot here, even in the dead of night.  If I’d known where I was headed I wouldn’t have chosen my jeans and tennis shoe ensemble.  My feet are starting to sweat in my socks.  I can’t wait to lie down in a bed, with blankets and sheets and a pillow.  A random thought hits me.  Where are we staying?  Was there enough time to find a place or will we have to search for an open room somewhere?  Will we end up camping on a beach?  The thought of more uncertain travel makes me scowl.

“Is there a problem?” Dane asks as he approaches me, his hand full of papers.

“Please tell me you know where we’re going,” I nearly whimper.

“I know where we’re going,” he says confidently.

“Thank God,” I sigh and pull my body off the chair.  I adjust my backpack on my shoulder and gesture ahead of us.  “Lead the way.”

Outside in the airport rental lot, Dane consults the papers in his hand to locate the parking space that holds our car.   When he stops in front of a red Aveo, I burst into a fit of giggles, wrapping my arms around my sides.  “You’re not serious?” I laugh.  This car is the size of a roller skate; Dane will never be able to drive it.

“Hey,” he gives me a crooked smile.  “Beggars can’t be choosers.  It’s late and we didn’t have a reservation.  This is what we get.”  He unlocks the car and lifts the hatch.  Only one of our bags and my backpack will fit in the trunk; the other bag has to go in the backseat.

I climb into the passenger side and Dane wedges himself in to the driver’s seat, sliding it back as far as possible to accommodate his legs.  Even with the seat adjusted his knees still hit the steering wheel.

“Do you want me to drive?” I ask, suppressing more laughter.

“Have you ever driven on the left side of the road?”

I shake my head.  “No, but it’s late.  There’s probably little traffic.”

He buckles his seatbelt.  “I’m driving.”  He sets his phone in a cup holder on the dash and pulls up an address.  “Here we go,” he says and starts the car.

“I take it you’ve been here before?”

He looks over his shoulder to back out of the parking space.  “To vacation, yes.”  He faces forward and puts the car in drive.  “But not at this same place.”

We leave the airport and pull out onto a deserted two lane highway.  As Dane follows the GPS instructions, I stare out the window, following the coastline as we drive.  I roll the window down and a blast of salty sea air hits me.  The headlights bounce off the palm trees that line the road, and I allow myself a small smile.  Under different circumstances, this could be my type of place.

The GPS tells us to turn left ahead, then right, then left again.  Around twenty minutes later, we end up in a residential area, where huge homes are sporadically spaced.  Some of them have gated drives, some don’t.  Most have impressive landscaping that is lit up in the night; I even catch a few water features here and there.  We’re clearly passing through a wealthy part of the island; there’s no way we’re staying anywhere around here.  There aren’t any hotels as far as I can see.

As usual, my assumption is wrong as the GPS tells us our destination is approaching on our right.  Dane slows the car and then turns onto a short paved drive which is lined with palm trees.  We roll to a stop in front of a large three car garage where he cuts the engine and turns to me with relief.  “We made it.”

I shoot him a look of disbelief.  “Here?” I glance to the garage and back to him again.  “We’re staying here?”

One side of his mouth quirks up.  “Yes.  Well, in the house attached to the garage, yes, we’re staying here.”  He smiles.  “Let’s go.”  He opens the car door and pulls himself out of the small space, standing and stretching.

I push my door open and exit the roller skate, slamming it behind me.  I walk around to the back of the car to join Dane, who already has my backpack and suitcase unloaded.

“Here.”  He reaches into his back pocket and opens his wallet.  He hands me a piece of paper.  “This is the security code to unlock the front door.  Go ahead; I’ll be right behind you.”

I take the paper from him and pull my backpack on to my shoulder.  He grabs my suitcase and carries it around the side of the car as he retrieves his.  I turn and walk slowly up the well-lit cobbled path that leads to the front door, admiring what I can make out of the intricate landscaping.  This place must be gorgeous in the daylight.  When I pry my eyes away from the yard, the front porch appears before me and I walk up two steps to the door.  The outside of the house is covered in an aggregate of large stones, each a different shape and color.  I search for a keypad and find it off to the right, under a folded note taped to the stone.  The paper has Dane’s name scribbled across it, and I remove it to punch in the code.  I hit enter, hear the definite click of the door unlock, and let myself inside.

Holy crap.  This place looks like I just stepped into an episode of HGTV.  My wide eyes roam the surroundings, and I take a few tentative steps forward.  The entryway spills into a tiled great room, the ceiling made up of exposed weathered beams.  The walls are covered in a rich wood paneling, and the entire wall opposite me is constructed of floor to ceiling windows that are covered in ivory drapes that billow and puddle on the floor.  The living area is full of plump furniture in a sage green trimmed in honey oak with end tables to match.  A large flat screen adorns the wall across from the couches, and a dining table sits back by the windows, carved from the same honey oak, and surrounded with chairs to seat six.  Fresh flowers adorn every flat surface, and I can see that the room extends to my left, rounding a corner.  My mind races.  Whose house is this?  I glance down at the note in my hands and unfold it.

Mr. Dane & Mrs. Teagan Walker,

Congratulations on your recent nuptials!  We are so happy we were able to accommodate the change in your rental date.  We hope that you find everything to your satisfaction.  Should you require anything or have other concerns, please contact us directly at 340 691 6143.  Our staff is on call 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

Thank you for choosing Luxury Retreats International!  We appreciate your business!

Sincerely,

Loretta Young

LRI, Inc.

A sarcastic snort of laughter escapes as I let my backpack fall from my shoulder.  There’s no way this day could get any more bizarre; my exhaustion level must be through the roof.  I could swear I just read that Dane and Teagan are married.  I reread the letter.  No, that’s what it says.

I hear the door open behind me and the sound of suitcases being set on the floor.  “So,” Dane appears by my side, “what do you think?”

I look up from the note and into his eyes, my expression wracked with confusion.

“What’s the matter?” he asks, searching my face.

I swallow.  “You brought me on your honeymoon?”

Chapter 23

Dane looks guilty and trips on his words.  “No!  Well, yes…kind of.”  He steps toward me as I step back.

I curse without thinking twice.  “Teagan is going to flip her shit!  She already despises me!”

“She has no idea we’re here.”

I shake my head in disbelief.  Have I stepped into some sort of Twilight Zone?

He puts his hands on his hips.  “Remember when I told you her mom wouldn’t let up on the wedding plans?  That she made me book a honeymoon?”

I nod as I remember the conversation we had in his car after the Halloween party.

“Well, this is it,” he says.  “It was supposed to be a surprise; Teagan never knew this was the destination.  And since it’s non-refundable and I’m not getting married…” he trails off and sighs.  “I think it turned out to be quite convenient if you ask me.”

My face falls as I attempt to process everything that’s happened in the last 24 hours.  Super excited about future – check.  Forced to run away from home and abandon said future – check.  Tucked away on a tropical island on someone else’s honeymoon – check.  I glance down at the letter in my hand and slowly hold it out to Dane.  “There’s an emergency number listed in case you need it.”

He takes the paper.  “What?  Are you upset now?  Mad?  Talk to me.”

I blink in slow motion.  “I’m not sure what I am.”  I bend to pick up my backpack and then stand, frowning.  “I’m overwhelmed.  Everything’s happened so fast…”

His eyes search mine.  “Tell me about it.”

We stand there regarding each other for silent seconds.  A realization hits his features and he backs away, pulling his phone from his pocket.  “I forgot; I need to send some messages.”

He opens his email and runs his finger up the screen, scrolling.  “One to my dad,” he says, staring at the phone, “telling him I’ve been called out of town for work.”  He selects the message and hits send.  “And one to my boss,” he continues and scrolls some more, “with my resignation.”

“Wait!” I blurt out.  “Don’t send that!  When did you decide to resign?”

“On the plane while you slept.”  He gives me a knowing look.  I wasn’t really sleeping.

“You can’t resign from your job!  Especially over me!”

“Emma, I was going to be fired anyway,” he says.  “This just gives me an excuse to quit early.”  He deliberately holds out the phone, so I can see him press send.

I look away and fight the angry tears behind my eyes.  Is there any part of this man’s life that I haven’t ruined?  I work to pull myself together as I gather my suitcase.  “I need a shower and some sleep,” I mumble as I walk past him and into the great room.  “This way?” I gesture to my left.

He shrugs in ignorance and grabs his suitcase to follow me.

We walk through the living area and around the corner.  A modern kitchen greets us, complete with an island and breakfast bar.  Fresh fruit, crackers, cheese, and a bottle of wine sit in a basket on the island next to a white card that reads Congratulations!  I choose to ignore it and keep walking.  At the end of the hallway is a large set of double doors.  I press down on the handles and push the doors open, revealing a spacious master suite.

I step inside as my eyes roam the room in awe.  The dresser, armoire, and bedside tables are all made of a rich, dark wood.  Large sliding glass doors make up most of the wall to my right and through them I can see a spot lit patio.  The same tile and exposed beams found in main part of the home cover the floor and the ceiling, but these walls are painted in a pale sage.  More fresh flowers and plants adorn the surfaces in the room, and there is even enough space for an additional wicker couch and chair.  And the bed – is there a bigger size than a king?  This bed is huge, made of the same dark wood, and covered in plush beige comforter with a leaf design.  I abandon my luggage to walk forward and run my hand across it.  I want to dive into this bed and never get out.

Dane breaks my bed-swimming fantasy by walking into my line of vision.  He heads for an open door and flips a light switch.  “I found the bathroom,” he says, clearly not as impressed as I am in regard to the room’s decor.  I look at the bed of dreams and sigh, wondering if the guest room contains the same thing.  Obviously this will be Dane’s room; he paid for the place.  I turn and walk back toward the double doors.

“Where are you going?” he asks.

“To find the guest room,” I say, tired.  I grab my things and head down the short hallway, passing the kitchen.  I walk through the living area and head for the opposite side of the house.  There’s a closed door off the entryway and when I get to it, I pull the handle with gusto and blink into the darkness of a hollow space.  I fumble for a light switch and end up hitting a button.  I jump as a bright light pops on and one of the garage doors starts to loudly rise.  The garage?  I found the freaking garage?!  Where’s the guest room?  A house this size surely has more than one bedroom.  I sigh and press the button to lower the door.  After closing the interior door behind me, I cross my arms and survey my options.

“There’s supposed to be another suite in the pavilion off the patio,” Dane says, appearing around the corner.

I frown at him.  “Why didn’t you say so?”

“You walked away before I could.”

I make my way to the glass wall and find one of the sliding door handles.  I unlock it and step out into the tropical night with Dane behind me.  A warm breeze blows, rustling the palm trees that dot the patio.  I spy the pavilion on the opposite side of the swimming pool and walk around the blue water to reach it.  The pavilion door is another sliding one, and I locate the handle in the dim light and pull.  It’s locked.

“You have got to be kidding me,” I groan and rest my head against the glass.

“Let me try,” Dane volunteers and gives the handle a tug.  “Yeah, that’s locked,” he says and steps back.

“Maybe there’s another keypad?” I ask and start searching the stone wall for buttons.

Dane cups his hands around his eyes and peers into the pavilion against the glass.  “It wouldn’t matter,” he says and moves down a few steps to look again.  “There’s nothing in there but patio furniture.”

“What?” I copy his stance, pressing my hands against the glass and looking inside.  Tables and chairs in various shapes and sizes are crammed together and stacked haphazardly on top of one another.  I back away from the building.  “I think this qualifies as not finding everything to our satisfaction.”

“They probably figured we wouldn’t need two bedrooms,” he says in defense of the retreat company.  “Besides, I only gave them – what? – eight hours notice?  We’re lucky the place was even available.”

I scowl.  “I thought you said you prepaid?”

“I did,” he sighs, exasperated.  “But I never gave them a time frame.  We still hadn’t picked a wedding date.”

I stare at the ground.  All I want to do is shower and go to sleep. That’s it.  That’s all.

“C’mon.”  Dane reaches out and takes my hand.  He turns me around and tows me toward the main house.

“Where are we going?”

“To bed.”

I stop walking and try to pull my hand away.  “I’m sorry?”

“Don’t be dramatic,” he says over his shoulder and tugs my arm, forcing me to follow.  “We’re tired, it’s late, and we’re sharing a room.  Get over it.”

We step over the threshold into the main house and he slides the door closed behind us, never letting me go.  My mind flashes back to the night of the Halloween party, where he led me around by my wrist.  We walk over to my suitcase and backpack, which I abandoned by the garage, and he picks them up in one hand.  He leads me down the hallway and back in to the bedroom, tossing my bags on the bed.

“There,” he says and lets go of my hand.  He regards my expression and rolls his eyes.  “Please.  It’s not like we haven’t slept together before.”  He walks around to the opposite side of the bed, unzips his suitcase, and starts to unload his clothes.

I reach for my bag to follow suit as my mind races with sarcastic thoughts.  Sure, why shouldn’t we share a room, let alone the same bed?  There’s absolutely no way this will be awkward, none at all.  I forcefully unzip my bag and start to rummage through it for clean underwear and pajamas.  What is he thinking?  Isn’t he the least bit uncomfortable with this?  He knows the truth now; he knows James is still in my life.

I catch a glimpse of him under my lashes as he locates what he was looking for.  He tucks a pair of dark blue sleep pants under his arm, picks up his toothbrush and toothpaste, and looks at me.  “I’ll just be a minute.  Then you can shower or whatever.”

I nod as he turns to head into the bathroom, closing the door behind him.  I sigh and return to digging through my clothes.  I’ve found the underwear, but I can’t find my pajamas.  And what am I going to do with all of these jeans and sweaters?  I can’t wear this stuff here.  I’m going to have to pick up some new clothes.  Either that or roast to death.

Minutes later, when Dane emerges from the bathroom, I’m still searching.

“What exploded?” he asks, eyeing my strewn clothes and empty suitcase.

I throw my hands up.  “Apparently I forgot to pack pajamas.”  I look up from the bed and stop in my tracks.  He’s standing in the doorway shirtless, wearing only the pants.  My eyes slide over his hard chest and I blush, remembering the last time we were in a bedroom alone together.

He smirks upon seeing my reaction and tries to contain it, stepping forward to snag a t-shirt off his clothes pile.  He walks around the bed toward me, pulling it over his head.  “Are you sure?”

I roll my eyes.  “Um, yeah.  I’m sure.”

He peruses my garment mountain and a slow smile spreads across his face.  He reaches out and plucks a pair of underwear off the bed; unfortunately, they’re the pale pink granny kind.  “Yet you remembered these?” he asks, grinning.

“Give me those!” I grab them from his hand.  “You’re not helping!”

He laughs and then reaches across to his pile.  “Here.”  He tosses me one of his t-shirts.  “Wear this.”

I unfold the black shirt to find it’s a concert tee from a Kings of Leon show.

“That should be big enough to cover everything,” he says, chuckling.  “Even if you’re wearing a pair of those.”  He nods toward the underwear in my hand.

I narrow my eyes and hold the shirt to my chest.  I pick up my toiletry bag and shower supplies, and then skirt around him toward the bathroom.  “Not everyone can afford to shop at Victoria’s Secret you know.”

I hear his voice from behind.  “Well, maybe we can change that.”

My face flushes and I turn around.  “I wouldn’t bet on it,” I snap and shut the door with my foot.  The nerve!

The bathroom is just an impressive as the rest of the house.  There’s a sunken tub with spa jets surrounded by candles and a separate shower, along with two sinks, and mirrors that travel from the counter to the ceiling.  It’s not difficult to catch a glimpse of yourself in such a large piece of glass, and I cringe at my reflection.  I look like absolute hell.  Anyone who looks like this should be wearing granny panties.

I set my things on the counter and then take my shampoo, conditioner, and razor to the shower and place them inside.  I turn the faucet and hold my hand under the water, waiting for it to warm up.  Once it’s toasty, I step out of my clothes and under the water, letting it beat on my back.  I turn around and realize the showerhead is adjustable and play with the settings.  I find one pattern that’s particularly nice and stand beneath the pounding water with my eyes closed.  I have died and gone to shower heaven.

After I use all of the hot water, I get out and dry off with what has to be the softest towel on the planet.  What is this made out of?  Kittens?  I get dressed, pulling Dane’s shirt over my head, and turning around to check my reflection in the mirror to make sure it’s long enough.  It hangs shapelessly off my body and, thankfully, falls to the middle of my thigh.  I cannot believe I forgot to pack pajamas.  I brush my teeth, comb through my wet hair, gather my clothes, and take a deep breath.  I’m sure Dane has found more things to ridicule me about, especially since I left my stuff lying all over the place.

To my surprise, I open the door to a darkened room.  Once my eyes focus, I can see that our clothes and suitcases have disappeared and Dane has crawled beneath the covers to sleep on the side nearest the bathroom.  I tiptoe around the foot of the bed, dropping my dirty clothes on the floor.  I carefully pull back the blankets, so as not to wake him, and my body tenses as I slowly lower myself to the mattress.

“It’s not made of glass you know.”

“AHH!” I jump and pull my knees to my chest.  “You scared me!”

He laughs.

“I thought you were asleep!”  I hiss and scoot down, being sure to jostle the bed as much as possible to get comfortable.

“I should be.  How long were you in there?  An hour?”

“At least,” I say, my voice dripping with sarcasm.  “What?  Is there a time limit?”

“No.”  I can feel him roll over.  “I thought you had drowned.”

“In the shower?”

“Given what’s happened today, anything’s possible.”

I can’t help but smile.  “Well, just for the record, I take really long showers.”

“Noted,” he says and adjusts his weight again.

We fall silent, and I close my eyes.  I stare into the blackness behind my lids and work on relaxing my body, trying to erase all thought from my mind.  It’s not easy.  Just as I find that precious precipice of sleep, Dane’s voice pulls me back.

“Seriously?”

I groan.  “Whaaat?”

“You’re balancing yourself on the edge of the bed like I have the plague.  This thing is big enough to hold twenty people; move over for Christ sake!  You’re making me nervous.”

It didn’t register until now, but I am teetering precariously near the edge.  A subconscious move, I’m sure.  “Its fine,” I huff and plump my pillow.  “I’m perfectly comfortable.”

“And when you fall asleep and roll off the side?”

“I’ll wake up and you’ll laugh,” I say, closing my eyes again.

He lets out an exasperated sigh and moves; I’m sure turning away from me.  I decide that my location is kind of silly and slide back, conceding an inch or two.  At least I’m able to pull my knee up to the side now.

“That’s so much better,” he grumbles.

I decide to ignore him and pretend he doesn’t exist.  There’s no other way I’ll get to sleep if I don’t.  It takes longer than necessary, but eventually I drift off, welcoming sleep’s mindless embrace.

Sunlight blasts my face, making me squint, even though my eyes are still closed.  I move and stretch, reaching my arms above my head and pushing my legs in the opposite direction.  When I peel my eyelids open, I find that I’m alone in the middle of the bed with a pillow under my head and one at each side.  Yikes.  Did I take over the place during the night?

I sit up and blink at the sunlight streaming in through the glass doors.  I glance at the bedside table and see that it’s nearly noon.  Noon!  Throwing the blankets aside, I push myself off the bed and pull my “pajamas” down to cover my behind.  I walk to the bathroom and quickly brush my teeth and hair, then head out of the room in search of Dane.

I find him outside by the pool, lying in a lounge chair, and eating an apple.  He looks at me over his sunglasses.  “Ah.  She lives.”

I take a seat by his feet at the end of the chaise.  “It’s late.  Why didn’t you wake me?”

“Tried,” he smirks.  “You were snoring.”

My mouth falls open.  “I don’t snore!”

He takes a bite of his apple and grins.  “You so snore.”

I cross my arms and defend myself.  “I haven’t gotten much sleep over the last few days.”

He tilts his head.  “Why is that?”

I relax my arms and my shoulders sag.  “How much did James tell you?”

He pretends to think about it.  “You mean after he appeared and scared the hell out of me or during our car trip across the state?”

I give him a sympathetic look.  I fainted the first time I saw James as a Guardian, by all accounts he’s handling this really well.

Dane sets his elbow on the armrest and pushes himself higher on the lounge. “He introduced himself and said a few choice words to make me believe him.  Then he said that you needed me.”

I feel my forehead pinch.  “Didn’t you ask any questions?”

“He said there was trouble; that you had to disappear and he could no longer be near you.  He didn’t want you to be alone and thought I might be up for the job.”  He raises an eyebrow.  “Care to enlighten me as to how he got that impression?”  He takes another bite.

I give him a dry look as he chews.  “You already know.”

He pauses and regards me for a moment.  “Do I?”

I sigh.  “We fight about you a lot.”

He looks impressed.  “Really?”

“All the time.”

“Huh,” he says and looks toward the pool.  He smiles, clearly enjoying this, and turns back to me.  “What do you fight about exactly?”

I shoot him an exasperated look and he shrugs.

I know what he’s trying to do; he’s trying to get me to admit that I have feelings for him.  It’s the same discussion we have every time we’re alone together.  How did we go from my lack of sleep to this?  “He’s around a lot, okay?  He’s seen just about everything between us.”

“He said he was there the night you were attacked.”

I nod.

“Did he see our last talk?  After the dinner?”

“He was there.”

“Did he see our first kiss?”

“Yes.”

“Did he see our last kiss?”

I roll my eyes.  “He was in your backseat.”

Pausing to think, he sets the apple core on the ground and moves forward on the chair, turning his body, so he’s sitting next to me.  “So, let me get this straight.  Because of this trouble, he can’t watch you or visit you or anything?”

I wrap my arms around myself and look away from him, out toward the pavilion that should have been my room.  “Yeah.”

I can feel his stare before I feel his touch.  He tucks a piece of hair behind my ear, and I turn to face him, noticing he’s taken off his sunglasses.  “Sorry.  My hair is crazy.”  I automatically reach back and smooth it, pulling it over my shoulder.

His hazel eyes lock on mine and I freeze, knowing what’s going to happen next.  If I’m at all honest with myself, I should have seen this coming.  It was only a matter of time.

He leans forward and places a gentle kiss on my lips.  When I allow this to happen, he sets his hand against the side of my neck and kisses me harder.  Warmth travels from head to my toes as I wrap my hand around his wrist and kiss him back.  His voice replays in my mind – “He can’t watch you or visit you or anything?” – and my eyes fly open.  I feel bad about taking advantage of the situation and pull away from him, meeting his questioning expression with a defeated one of my own.  “James is my Guardian,” I say quietly.

“So?”

He has no idea the depth of the situation.  “Do you even know what a Guardian is?”

He leans forward and looks directly into my eyes.  “Emma, I’ve known about Guardians since I was fourteen years old.”

Chapter 24

I’m dumbfounded.  “Say again?”

“I’ve known about Guardians since I was fourteen,” he repeats himself.  “Since my mom died.”

I stare into his eyes as my heart pounds.  “She’s a Guardian?”

“Not anymore.  She was released this summer.”

I look down as I try to collect my thoughts.  To think that I’ve been craving to speak with someone about James and that someone turns out to be Dane?  For so long I’ve wanted to be able to talk about what’s going on and how to cope with it.  My eyes flash back to him.  “I wish I had known this sooner.”

He gives me an empathetic smile.

“No wonder you didn’t have a problem believing James.”

“He knew I wouldn’t,” he says and sets his elbows on his knees.  “He knew my mother.  Using her name was all it took to convince me that I wasn’t going crazy.”

The knowledge that he has been in my shoes peaks my curiosity.  “What was her name?”

“Evelyn,” he smiles.

“When did she start visiting you?”

“About a year after she died.  At first I thought my mind was playing tricks on me.  I was just a kid, after all.  I tried to talk to my dad about it, but…” his voice fades and his jaw tenses.

“It didn’t go well?”

He scoffs.  “That’s an understatement.  He put me directly into therapy and let them dope me up on some stupid medication.”  He grimaces.  “I learned pretty quickly to shut up about things.”

My face twists.  “That’s awful.”

“Yeah, well, let’s just say our relationship went downhill from there.”

I feel terrible for him.  He was so young; I can’t imagine how hard that must have been to deal with.

Dane notices my concern.  “Hey,” he gives me a small smile, “it’s all good.  My mom helped me work through things and to understand.  She didn’t want to be away from her only child, so she chose to be a Guardian.  She fulfilled her duties and checked on me from time to time.  I still had her in my life.  I wouldn’t change that for anything.”

“I wish I could have met her.  Were you sad when she was released?”

He shakes his head and smiles.  “A little, but she had to go sometime.  She was released by her true love.  What could be better than that?”

My smile fades into confusion.  “Wait.  How was she released if your dad is still alive?”

“John let her go,” he says.  “He passed away this August.  He and my mom were having an affair before she died.”

My mouth falls open.  “How did you know?”

“We found out shortly before she was diagnosed.  She was going to leave my father.  Then, the cancer hit, and everything happened pretty fast.  That’s a big part of why she stayed,” he says.  “She felt bad about how things were left between us.”

I give him a sympathetic look, then rest my head on his shoulder.  “That’s why James stayed, too.  The night he died, we fought.  He didn’t want to leave things that way.  He didn’t want to leave me.”

Dane reaches for my hand and weaves his fingers through mine.

“I wish our story could have a happy ending like yours and your mom’s.”

“Why can’t it?” he asks softly.  “If you two can’t be together, at least he’s still in your life, right?”

I raise my head.  “You sound like Garrett.  It’s not that simple.”

He gives me a wary look.  “Garrett?  The guy at the airport?”

I nod.

“The guy who is almost human?  The one you said wasn’t hot?”

I smile as I remember my mistaken text messages.  “That’s the one.”

He gives me an irritated look.  “You lied.”

“About what?”

“His looks.”

I roll my eyes.  “Please.  Garrett is not hot.”

“Says who?”

“Says me!”

He frowns.  “I didn’t like finding you curled up against him on that bench.  First James shows up and then this Garrett guy is all over you –”

“Whoa.”  I pull my hand from his and sit back.  “He wasn’t all over me!  I was tired and he offered a shoulder, that’s all.  Besides, we’re barely speaking after what he did.”

“You mean the whole assigning you to James to become human thing?”

I look at Dane, impressed.  “James told you a lot.”

He smirks.  “It was a long drive.”

“Then you know,” I say, exasperated.  “Things between James and I aren’t simple!  Every time we see each other we’re reminded of what we can’t have.  Not just in this life, but in the next.  I’m his Ward; I can’t release him.  He’s stuck in the Intermediate until I die, and then…” I hesitate.  “And then maybe he’ll have a chance at being human again.  Without me.”

Dane searches my face, thinking about what I’ve said and how to respond.  He can’t dispute the truth.  My heart is broken; there’s no quick fix.

“Listen,” he finally says, his eyes locking on mine.  “I know what you and James had was real.  Part of your heart will always belong to him.  But, I’m a firm believer in fate.  What happened was meant to happen.  You have to believe that, for whatever reason, it was meant to be.  You can’t change it, but you can learn to live with it.  Trust me, over time, things will get easier.”

I look down as he reaches over and winds his hand around mine again.  All I want to do is feel like myself, like I did before James had his accident and everything went to hell.  “I just want to feel better,” I say as I fixate on our locked fingers.  “Is that really too much to ask for?”

He runs his thumb across the back of my hand.  “Not at all.  I’ve had eleven years to wrap my mind around the Intermediate, and I still don’t get it.  You’ve had what?  Six months?”

I look up and give him a tiny smile.  “Seven.”

“Oh, well then, that makes a difference.”  He smiles back.

We sit in silence for a few moments.  I look around the patio, taking in the stonework, the palm trees, and the potted hibiscus.  How is it that I ended up in paradise under these circumstances?  Life sure is a funny thing, and I don’t mean funny ha-ha.

“Here’s what I propose,” Dane says, pulling my attention back to him.  “Let’s make a pact to live the most normal lives anyone has ever lived.”

“How?”

“By keeping each other focused on the future and not the past.  You need to finish your classes, and I need to find a new job.”

“I still can’t believe you quit!” I admonish him.  “What were you thinking?”

“I had to cut all ties,” he says.  “Teagan should get the hint now that I’ve voluntarily resigned.  She has nothing left to hold over me.”

I tilt my head.  “She still won’t let you go?”

He grins.  “Can you blame her?”

I roll my eyes and pull my hand away from his.  “So, where do you think I should start?  I have to lie to my instructors, lie to my parents.  I should probably throw a couple of lies to Shel and Matt…”

“I say we start with getting you dressed,” he says.  “We can begin our normal lives with a normal trip to the grocery store.  I’m starving.”

I nod and stand.  “About that, I’m going to need to stop somewhere and get some clothes.  Everything I brought is way too warm.”  I eye his khaki cargo shorts and shoot him an annoyed look.  “You, on the other hand, are completely prepared.”

“Hey, I can’t help it I saved the day with a prepaid vacation,” he says and swings his feet back up to lounge on the chair.  “But I agree.  You do need some different clothes and pajamas.”

“What?” I look over my makeshift pj’s.  “You don’t like me wearing your shirt?”

“Just the opposite,” he says and slides his sunglasses on.  “I like it too much.”

In the bathroom, I stare at myself as I try to contain my unruly hair.  The humidity is making it curl, which is unusual for me; I’ve never been in such a warm climate before to know it would do this.  I mean, occasionally I’d get a curl here or there in the summer at home, but this is full on waves.  I sigh as I pull it back into a ponytail for the third time, trying to convince myself that no one cares how I look but me.

When I leave the bedroom, I find Dane leaning impatiently against the couch with his arms crossed.  He gives me a once over.  “Where’d you get the shorts?”

I hold up my hand to reveal the scissors I found in the kitchen.  “Old pair of jeans,” I explain and walk around the breakfast bar to put the scissors back.  “I thought you were relaxing outside.”

“I was until I realized you were taking forever and my stomach started to eat itself.  Are you ready?”

“Yeah.”  I pick my purse up off the counter and grab a pear out of the Congratulations! fruit basket.  “Let’s go.”

Dane tells me he’s taking us to Charlotte Amalie, where there are plenty of places to shop.  I roll the window down and nibble on my pear as he drives.  The fruit is kind of mushy and unappetizing, making me want something more substantial.  “Can we stop for lunch?” I ask.

“That will be the first thing we do,” he says and pats his stomach.

The farther we drive, I realize that he knows exactly where he’s going without any help.  “When were you here last?”

“About three years ago.”

“On vacation?”

He nods.  “We took a cruise from Miami and docked here for two days.  We were supposed to see the whole Caribbean, but we liked St. Thomas so much we ended up staying,” he says.  “We caught the next ship that came into port a week later.”

“We?” I raise my eyebrows.

He glances at me out of the corner of his eye.  “Teagan and me.”

Of course he would be vacationing with his ex-fiancée.  My face automatically wants to express how I feel about her, but I manage to remain impassive.  “Sounds like you had a good time.”  I take another bite of my mushy pear.

He ignores me and concentrates on the road.

When we pull into the city it’s busy with tourists, but Dane has no problem finding a parking spot for the roller skate.  As we walk along the street, I can see that the town backs up to the coast, where sailboats dot the water and two large cruise ships sit in port.  We pass several small shops and boutiques housed in historic looking buildings until Dane turns down an alleyway.  I follow him until we end up at a restaurant called Gladys’ Café, where he holds the door for me.  Inside, I find a cozy place with a mahogany bar and native stone walls.  Appetizing smells waft through the room, and Sinatra plays in the background.

“The food here is amazing,” he says as we’re led to a small table near the front window.  “You should try something local.”

I pick up the menu and eventually settle on the crab and avocado salad; I’m not sure I’m brave enough to try the curried goat.  Dane chooses a Grouper sandwich then we sit and wait.  I sip my water as my stomach growls.  I can’t remember the last time I had an actual meal.

“So, where do you want to start?” Dane asks.

I set my glass down.  “With what?”

“Shopping.  We can hit some of the stores here and then head outside of town to Kmart –”

“St. Thomas has a Kmart?”  That sounds so odd to me.

He nods.  “We can get groceries there or this other place like Costco.  I forget the name.”

I think about all the cute shops that we passed.  Normally I’m not a fan of shopping, but I’d like to see what they have.  “Let’s start here,” I say, “and support the local economy.”

He smiles.

Mentioning money reminds me.  How much do I have to spend?  My checking account had around $200 in it when I left yesterday.  I need to transfer some cash.  I pull out my phone.

“Who are you calling?”

“My bank,” I say and dial the automated line.  “I’m going to need some money.”

He frowns.  “Don’t worry about it.”

I give him a condescending stare as I listen to the robotic voice.  “Thank you for calling State Bank.  Enter your account number.”  I press the buttons.  “Thank you.  Press one for balance information.  Press two…”  I press one.  “Please wait.”  I tap my fingers on the table.  I have $5,000 in my savings.  I should probably transfer at least a thousand to get me through today and the next few weeks of groceries and gas…  The bank voice interrupts my thoughts.  “Your current balance is $30,198.52.  Thank you for calling State Bank.  If you would like to repeat this information, press three.  If you would like to transfer…”  I slowly press three.  “Your current balance is $30,198.52.  Thank you for calling State Bank.  If you…”

I stare at the phone like it’s foreign.  Garrett said Lucas wanted to give me some money.  But thirty grand?  That’s insane!  I can’t believe there is that much money in my account.

“What’s wrong?” Dane asks.  “I said not to worry about it.  If you need –”

“No.”  I shake my head and end the call.  “I have enough money.”

“You look confused.”

“I am,” I say and slide my phone back into my purse.  I grab my water glass again.  “Lunch is on me.”

Lunch turns out to be the best salad I think I’ve ever eaten.  Dane knows better than to harass me about paying after the incident at Mario’s last summer, and when we finish our food and leave Gladys’, we have happy stomachs and much more energy.  We head back out in the throng of tourists, and I find a small boutique that looks interesting.  “Let’s stop here.”

Inside we find racks of sundresses and swimsuits, t-shirts, hats and bags, scarves, and sunglasses.  I immediately head to the swimsuits.  I didn’t bring one and there is no way I’m not getting in that pool.

I thumb through the rack as Dane heads to the opposite side.  Everything looks so tiny.  I wander down the aisle, looking for something with more material.

“You should get this.”  Dane smiles as he holds up what I think is a bikini.  All I know is that it’s red and has three triangles.

“Definitely not,” I say sarcastically.  I continue to look through the suits until I stumble upon the men’s wear.  I laugh as I pluck a fluorescent yellow Speedo off the rack and hold it up.  “I’ll buy that if you get this.”

He makes a disgusted face.  “No man looks good in a Speedo.”

Actually, I agree, but this could be fun.  He wants me to wear skimpy clothes?  “Oh, I don’t know,” I say and look at the suit.  “Some men might.”  I pretend to think.  “Channing Tatum, for example.  He would probably look good in this.”

“Ugh!  Not you too.”  He gives me a dry look.  “What is it with that guy?  Is every woman in love with him?”

I shrug.  “Possibly.”

“Why?”

I shoot him a look like it should be obvious and tick the reasons off on my free hand.  “Let’s see.  His face, his abs, his laugh, his acting, he can dance – that’s a big one –”

“Okay, okay, enough,” he stops me.  “You’re running out of fingers.”

I laugh and put the Speedo back.  As I continue to peruse the suits, Dane asks, “Women really like guys who can dance?”

I stare at him over the rack, completely serious.  “Absolutely.  Dancing is hot.”

Eventually, I do find a suit, a navy blue two-piece with a top that ties around the neck and stops just below my rib cage.  I also buy some flip flops and sunglasses before heading to the next store.  It quickly becomes apparent that these small shops hold primarily touristy-type items, and I’m not going to find anything utilitarian, like pajamas.  I manage to find two sundresses that are cute, and then call it quits.  We head to the Kmart for groceries, and, I hope, shorts and pj’s.

Luckily, the Kmart on the island is huge and has every department, including its own restaurant.  I send Dane for groceries while I head to the clothing section.  I quickly find shorts, collecting several pair, and t-shirts that don’t say St. Thomas Virgin Islands on them.  I also grab two sets of pajamas, tank tops with sleep shorts.  As I pass the lingerie department, my mind actually considers purchasing new underwear.  My conscience immediately chastises itself, and I continue walking.  There is no reason that I need new underwear.  Absolutely none.

I run into Dane as I head to the market section of the store, and I’m pleased to find that he has a cart full of actual food, not just Twinkies and Kraft Mac and Cheese.  I see eggs, bacon, vegetables, milk, orange juice, lunch meat, bread, cereal, chicken, pork chops, and even steak.  I silently hope he knows how to cook that because I don’t.

By the time we arrive back at the rental house and get everything unloaded, it’s nearly eight o’clock.  I put off the unavoidable task of lying to my friends and family by meticulously cutting off the tags of my purchases and trying things on.  Everything fits, but really, I knew that.  Eventually I shower, change into my new pajamas, and pick up my laptop and phone.  I grab some grapes to snack on and head outside for two reasons:  One is to enjoy the last rays of the day’s sun, and the other is to complete the inevitable task of contacting home, alone.

Dane looks away from the TV as I open the sliding door.  “What are you doing?”

“Heading out to lie to my instructors and my family,” I say and nod toward my laptop.  “Wish me luck.”

I make my way to one of the lounge chairs by the pool and sit down.  I turn on my computer, set it in front of me, and cross my legs to wait while it loads.  Once it’s ready, I open my email and read through what’s there, saving what’s important and deleting the rest.  I sigh when I’m finished and begrudgingly compose new messages, one to each of my instructors.  I blatantly lie, telling them an unexpected family emergency occurred which has called me out of town for the rest of the semester.  I ask for their permission to submit my remaining assignments online and attach those that I have already completed as proof of my good intentions.  I finish by asking them to send me any remaining exams via email, with the full understanding that they do not have to go out of their way for me.  If I can’t take the tests, hopefully my homework and existing grades will allow me to at least pass each class.

Once the emails have been sent, I turn the computer off and pick up the phone.  The family emergency excuse won’t work with Shel and my parents.  I stare at my cell as my mind spins.  What can I tell them?  What would suddenly pull me out of town, especially through the holidays?  My mom is going to flip out when she learns I won’t be home for Thanksgiving or Christmas.

I lie back in the chaise and hold my phone to my chest.  Think, think, think.  Where else could I be?  What might they believe?

A thought jumps into my brain.  I dial Shel’s number first.

The phone rings and rings.  No answer.  It’s Saturday night; she’s probably out with Matt.  When I get her voice mail, I try out my excuse for the first time and attempt to sound excited, not fake.  “Shel, it’s Em.  Guess what?  Western chose me for a study abroad trip!  I’m leaving tomorrow for…” I hesitate.  Where in the heck am I going?  I pick the first place that pops into my head.  “Ireland!  I’ll be in Ireland for the rest of the semester, maybe longer.”  I decide to create more lies.  “They told us cell reception is spotty over there, but call me when you get this.  My email works, though, so you can email me too.  Actually, email is probably better.” I pause to think.  “I’ll give you the details when we talk.  I have to get off the phone and start packing.  This happened so fast!  Take care of Matt and let him know too, please.  I’ll miss you guys and I’ll talk to you soon.  Bye.”

I hang up and breathe.  I don’t know how good of a job I just did.  I hate lying.  I’m awful at it.  Lying to my parents is going to be worse.  I let my pounding heart calm a little before I dial home.  Maybe my parents are out too, and I’ll get the answering machine.

No such luck.

“Hello?” It’s my mom.

“Hey, Mom.”  My voice wavers and she can hear it.

“What’s wrong?” she immediately asks.  There’s no fooling her.

I try to sound upbeat.  “Nothing’s wrong!  Actually, I have some pretty exciting news.”

“You’re pregnant,” she says in a dry tone.

“What?  No!  Mom!  Come on!”

“Well?” I can hear the smile in her voice.  “Something’s up.  I’m your mother, I know these things.”

I take a deep breath.  “I’ve been selected by the school for a study abroad trip.”

“That’s great!” my mom exclaims.  “How’d that happen?”

Oh boy.  More lies.  “Um, a student that was supposed to go couldn’t, so my advisor nominated me.”

“Where are you headed?”

“Ireland.”

“Really?”  She sounds impressed.  I hear movement against the phone.  “Dale, guess what?  Your daughter has been selected to study abroad in Ireland!”

I can hear him say something in the background.  It sounds like “Wow.  When?”

My mom comes back to me.  “Yeah, when?  Next semester?”

“No, mom, actually…” my voice fades.  “I leave tomorrow.”

I can picture her frown.  “Tomorrow?”

“Well, the trip’s been planned for awhile and I was just added.  I’ll be gone for the rest of the year.”  At least.

Her tone turns suspicious.  “Why would the school plan a trip in the middle of the semester?”

“I don’t know.”  I shake my head against the phone.  “I’m just taking advantage of the opportunity.”

My mother pauses for a moment then throws out my entire name.  “Emma. Lynn. Donohue.”

Shit.

“You mean to tell me that you are leaving the country tomorrow without any notice?  You have to have time to plan; you need a passport!”

“I have a passport,” I lie.

“Since when?”

“Since last year.”

“So your father and I won’t get to see you before you go?  You’ll be gone for Christmas?”

I can barely find my voice.  “Yes.”

“Emma, I don’t like this,” my mom says, irritated.  “We hardly get to see you as it is, and now you’ll be gone for the holidays?”

“I don’t like the timing either.”  I try to defend my false story.  “But this is a once in a lifetime chance.  The school’s paying for everything; how would it look if I said no?  I was nominated.”

She sighs loudly then silence is heavy over the phone.  When she breaks it, what she says crushes my heart.  “I feel like you’re lying to me.”

That’s because I am, my mind responds.  How can I put her at ease?  “Would you like to talk to the advisor?” I ask.  Dane will do an impersonation for me.  “I can have him call you tomorrow when we leave.  Will that help?”

She doesn’t immediately respond, and I don’t know what else to say.  She doesn’t deserve to be fed this silly story, but the truth is unbelievable and out of the question.

“Can we call you while you’re gone?” she finally asks.

“Of course.  And you can email, too.”

“What time do you leave tomorrow?”

“Early.  Six a.m.”

“From Kalamazoo?”

“Yes.”

“I still can’t believe you waited until now to tell us,” she says.  “When did you find out?”

“Yesterday,” I whisper.

“Yesterday?!”  She sounds upset.  “Emma, what in the world is going on?”

“Mom, please,” I almost beg.  “Support me in this.  I promise you it’s the best decision for me to make right now.  I need to get out of here.”  It’s time to play the James card, even though I didn’t know I had a James card to play.  “This campus, the memories, what was supposed to be…I’m suffocating.  I need to finish school, and I will get credit for this trip.  I need to graduate and get the hell out of here.”  Normally, I don’t swear around my parents, but maybe my curse will relay the seriousness of what I say.  All of this is true.

“I knew you shouldn’t have gone back there so soon,” she says with regret.  “Honey, why didn’t you talk to me about this sooner?  We could have made arrangements; you could have taken a semester off.  It’s not like your dad and I were kicking you out of the house.”

“I know,” I say, holding back tears.  “Listen, I really have to go.  I need to pack.”

“What about the cat?” she asks.  “Who’s watching LB?”

“My neighbor Garrett’s taking her.”

She sighs again.  “I’m worried about you.  You know that right?  I want you to call and email me every chance you get.”

“I will,” I promise.

“Starting with tomorrow.  I want a phone call when you land, got it?”

“Yes, ma’am.”  I almost smile.  “I’m going to miss you.”

“I’m going to miss you, too.  I already do,” she says.  “I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

“Do you want to talk to your father?”

I don’t think I can handle anymore right now.  “No, Mom, I’m already emotional.  Tell him I love him and I’ll miss him – and I’ll drink some authentic Irish ale for him.  Tell Mike, too.”

She manages a small laugh.  “I will.”  She pauses for a moment.  “Take care of yourself, Em.  I’m serious.  If that means you come home early, you come home early.  I’ll fly over there and get you if I have to.”

“I know you would,” I say as a tear travels down my cheek.  I wipe it away and clear my throat.  “I have to go.  I love you.  I’ll talk to you soon.”

“Tomorrow,” she reminds me.

“Yes, tomorrow.”

“Okay.  Have a safe flight.”

“I will, Mom.  Bye.”  I hang up before she can keep me any longer.  I drop the phone onto the chair and stare out past the patio toward the ocean.  The tears I was holding back trail silently down my face.  I want to be home for Christmas; I want to be home for Thanksgiving.  I want to be home now.

“Hey.”

I look over my shoulder and find Dane standing a few feet behind me.  I wipe my cheeks.  “How long have you been there?”

“A minute,” he says with a sad expression.  He walks over to where I’m sitting and kneels beside me.  He reaches out and wipes a tear from my chin.  “I hate it when you cry.”

I shrug, defeated.

“Move over,” he says and picks up my laptop and phone to set them on the ground.  I slide over against the armrest of the lounge, and he takes a seat next to me, stretching out in the chair.  It’s a tight fit.  He wraps his arms around me and pulls me over him, against his chest.  I tuck my head under his chin and weave one leg through his, so we have enough room.  As my tears continue to wind their way down my face, he rubs my back.

“I don’t want you to be miserable,” he says quietly.  “Tell me what I can do.  I’ll be whatever you need.”

“You can’t,” I mumble against him.

“Try me.”

“Can you be my home?” I ask into his chest.  It’s a silly request and one that doesn’t quite make sense.

He squeezes me tightly and doesn’t even question it.  “Absolutely.”

Chapter 25

Inevitably, time passes.  One week later, I sit at the dining table swirling the remains of my cereal around in my bowl.  I need to get motivated; I have two tests to take today.

Thankfully, all of my instructors responded to my email in a positive way, save one.  Mr. Carlos will allow me to submit my assignments online, but not take the tests.  He says it wouldn’t be fair, since I have access to my materials, but don’t have access to a “secure testing location.”  Whatever.  My other teachers are working with me, and three out of four ain’t bad.  I should have no problem passing this semester with at least a B average.

The door to the garage opens and closes behind me.  “Morning.”

I look over my shoulder.  “Good morning.”  I unfold my legs from under me and slide off the chair.  “Do you want breakfast?”

Dane walks toward me, pulling off his sweaty shirt.  “What are you making?”

“Frosted Flakes,” I say and hold up my bowl.  “It’s a very complicated procedure.”

He pouts.  “Aww.  I was hoping for real food like an omelet.”

I roll my eyes as I walk into the kitchen.  “You’re on your own.”  I reach the sink and turn on the faucet to rinse my bowl.  “How was your run?”  Dane was big into cross country in high school and he’s decided to take it up again, now that he has nothing better to do.

“Great,” he says as he stands opposite me across the breakfast bar.  “You should join me.  It’s cathartic.”

I’m the biggest wuss when it comes to any kind of endurance sport.  “I told you before; I won’t even make it half way.  You’d have to carry me back.”

He places his hands against the countertop and leans forward.  “And that would be bad why?”

“Shut up.”  I shake my head and place my bowl in the dish drainer.  The day wouldn’t be complete without some sort of smart comment coming out of his mouth.

I leave the water running and decide to wash the few dishes that remain in the sink.  There’s not many, just a few glasses and the bowl that held the popcorn.  Last night was movie night.  21 Jump Street was on TV.  I blush as I remember the constant ribbing Dane gave me over watching Channing Tatum.

He walks around the breakfast bar and opens the refrigerator, pulling out the orange juice.  He sets it on the counter beside me and then places his hands on my hips from behind, making me jump.  “What are you doing?”

He leans around me to grab one of the glasses I just washed out of the dish rack.  “Getting a glass.”

“There’s a whole cupboard of clean glasses behind you.”

“I know,” he grins.

I shoot him a condescending look.  “Do we need to have a conversation about good touch, bad touch?”

He places an innocent kiss on my cheek.  “Touching you could never be bad.”  He picks up a glass and steps to the side, removing his other hand from my hip.  As he pours the juice my face flushes.  He’s upped the ante on the innuendo today.

I finish washing the popcorn bowl and turn off the faucet.  “Are you headed to the shower or do I have a few minutes?  I want to get dressed before I take my tests.”

He swallows.  “You know, the beauty of online classes is that you can take your tests in whatever you have on.”

“I feel more prepared when I’m presentable.”  Actually, I just want to get out of my pajamas.  I’m feeling particularly vulnerable all of a sudden.

He tilts his head.  “Yes, right now you are a complete mess.  In fact you are so unpresentable, I think you need a shower.”  He sets down his glass.  “I’ll join you.”

My mouth falls open.  “What has gotten into you?”

He laughs.  “I just had a good run, that’s all.”

I give him a wary look.  “I’m going to get dressed.”

He picks up his glass again.  “Okay.  I’m going to make bacon.”

I turn toward the bedroom and then stop when I see his wet t-shirt lying on the counter.  “Pick that up,” I say and make a face.  “It’s gross.”

He leans across the counter and grabs his shirt.  Satisfied, I head to the bedroom.

WHACK!  His sweaty shirt hits me squarely in the back, and I stop in my tracks.  I turn around and catch him trying to hide his grin behind his glass like nothing happened.  Apparently, today, we’ve stepped back in time to kindergarten.  I bend down slowly, pick his shirt off the floor with two fingers, and raise an eyebrow.  “That’s how you want to play?”

He shrugs.

I can’t launch the shirt at him because it will only make it half the distance.  I don’t have many options standing here in the hallway, so I decide to bide my time.  “You have no idea what you just started,” I threaten and narrow my eyes.  “Watch your back, Walker.”

“Is that a promise?”

I give him an adamant nod and then carry his shirt into the bedroom.  As I close the door behind me, I can hear him laugh.

Later that afternoon, after I’ve read a few chapters and taken my tests, I lounge on the couch, surfing the internet.  I’m sleepy today.   I don’t know why; I’ve slept like a rock the past few nights.  Maybe I toss in my sleep more than I realize.  Dane hasn’t said anything though; you’d think he would if I’d accidentally kicked him or something.  My thoughts turn to payback for earlier today, and I’m just about to Google pranks when he comes through the sliding door.

“Are you finished yet?”

“Yep.”  I sit up.  “Do you need the computer?”

He nods.  “I want to work on fixing those pictures for your mom.”

My mother has requested that I send her photos of Ireland.  Since I can’t do that for real, Dane, master graphic designer that he is, bought Photoshop and has been working with the program and some images we pulled off the internet.  He has four pictures finished where he’s imposed me from photos I had on my phone to stock photos of popular sites in Ireland.  He wants to do a few more, so I can send her a couple at a time.

Sitting down next to me, he takes over my laptop and sets it on the coffee table.  “Where’s the mouse?” he asks.

I reach into my computer bag on the floor and pull out my little pink wireless mouse; it’s funny to watch him use it.

“Did you call your mom today?” he asks while he connects the mouse USB.

“Nope.  I emailed her.  And Shel.”  He never lets me forget to contact them every couple of days.

“Matt called,” he says absentmindedly while he opens Photoshop.  “He wanted to know if I wanted to go to the bar.  I guess Shel’s busy tonight.”

“What’d you tell him?”

“That I was still out of town,” he says and clicks the file he wants.  He looks at me.  “He mentioned that you were in Ireland.  I guess he thought I’d want to know.”

I smile.  “Ireland is unseasonably warm and sunny for this time of year.  You should join me there.”

He smirks.  “Already done.”  He looks back at the screen and sets to work magnifying and dragging and clicking.  I have no idea how any of this program works.

I lean forward to watch him and set my chin on my hand.  “You know, you could go home.  You don’t have to stay here.”

He frowns at the screen.  “Do you want me to leave?”

“No,” I say abruptly and shake my head.  “But, maybe you should make an appearance and then come back.  How long can you use the ‘out of town for work’ excuse?  Especially since you no longer have a job.”

He says nothing.

The idea of not having him around makes me sad, but I have to consider what’s best for him and our ruse.  “Besides, your family will want you around for the holidays.  I can stay here and hold down the fort.  You could go home and celebrate and then come back to me.”

“Leaving you is out of the question,” he says.  “My family and I aren’t close.  It’s not a big deal if I miss Christmas.”

I find this incredibly sad and my face shows it.  When he looks at me he notices and sighs.  “Listen, this is how it works in my family.  My dad and my stepmother will have a huge dinner Christmas Eve.  They will invite everyone involved with Bay Woods; that’s about a hundred people.  They’ll spend the night hobnobbing with business associates and employees who really don’t want to be there but feel obligated to attend because my dad is their boss.  I will hang in the background, as I usually do, with a fake smile plastered on my face and answer the same question a thousand times.”

“Let me guess,” I say.  “Why aren’t you working at the golf course?”

“Exactly.  Then, after the catered spread is gone and the liquor starts to dry up, the guests will leave to spend time with their own families.  My dad will ceremoniously hand me a check, his gift to me every year, and I’ll wake up Christmas morning like it’s any other day.  The End.”

“I don’t like that,” I say.

“Me either.”

We stare at each other for a few moments and then he turns back to my laptop.  I immediately regret bringing up the subject.  Maybe we could start a new tradition this Christmas.  Decorate a palm tree or something.

“So, will we be here in December?” I ask.

“We can be.  I rented the place for a month, but the agreement can be extended.”  He looks at me again.  “Or we could move on to somewhere new.  This may be your chance to travel the world.”  He smiles.

“Sounds tempting.”

“Well, we have three weeks to decide,” he says and goes back to clicking.

I try to watch him work, but it’s boring and I keep yawning.  “I’m going to go lay down.  I’m tired for some reason.”

He nods, concentrating on the screen, and I stand to walk around him.  I pass the sliding doors and eye the hammock strung between two palm trees on the patio.  I have yet to use that.  I change direction and head outside to crawl into it for my late afternoon siesta.  It takes me three tries, but I finally find myself in the middle of it without feeling like I’m going to fall out.  The hammock is made from a solid sheet of fabric, not rope, and it wraps around my body slightly.

The sun warms my skin and the gentle breeze rocks me as I close my eyes and settle in.  My mind turns to thoughts of James and Garrett and where they may be and what they may be doing.  I think of LB and hope she’s not giving Garrett too much grief, although he deserves it.  My thoughts wander and I try to imagine where I’ll be in a month or two.  There’s no place else I’d rather be, except for home.  I wouldn’t mind staying here.  It’s practically perfect.

When I open my eyes, I know time has passed because the sun has shifted in the sky.  I must have dozed off for an hour, maybe two.  I’m hot from lying in the sun so long, and I feel sticky.  I look to my right and notice Dane lying on his stomach, floating on a raft in the pool.  I try to get out of the hammock gracefully, but my muscles are stiff from being cradled in the same position for so long.  I half step-half tumble out and catch my balance by grabbing on to the material.  I roll my eyes as I wait for his teasing to begin, but it doesn’t come.  I walk over to the side of the pool and stare at him.  When he doesn’t so much as twitch after several minutes, I realize he’s asleep under his sunglasses.  My mind flashes to this morning and it’s hard to suppress my grin.  This is too easy.

I move around the pool to where I’m closest to him.  My plan is to jump in and scare him, so he’ll flip off his raft.  I crouch down and sit on the balls of my feet, waiting for him to float just a bit closer.  But as I watch him, I hesitate.  I’m not sure if it’s from all the comments he’s been throwing around today or what, but I take this private moment to look at him.  I mean really study him.  It’s hard to find the right words to describe his appearance.  Handsome?  Beautiful?  Good-looking?  Hot?  He’s all of those things.  My eyes roam over the tanned length of his body, and I wonder what in the hell is he doing here with me.  No wonder Teagan is upset at losing him, vain woman that she is.  He is arm candy.  But, he’s also so much more than that.  He has one of the kindest hearts I’ve ever known.

“I can see you,” he says out of nowhere.

Damn!  Rather than show my embarrassment, I tip my head and say, “Oh, really?  Can you see this?”

And with that, I stand and launch myself into the pool, pulling my knees up and landing just to the side of his raft.  The splash feels enormous, and I’m confident I’ve completed my mission.

When I pop up from beneath the water I see any empty raft floating in front of me.  I know I’m in trouble, so I swim as fast as I can toward the stairs of the pool.  I feel a hand graze my ankle and let out a yelp as I try to swim faster.  Darn clothes!  They’re holding me back!  By some miracle I manage to get to the steps and out of the pool before he catches me.  I turn around to face him, dripping.  He’s standing waist deep in the pool with his arms crossed, his sunglasses lost, and a smirk on his face.

“I told you to watch your back,” I laugh and reach up to wring my hair.

“Looks like you were the one watching.”

Whatever.  I will not allow him to rattle me and take away my victory.  “This makes us even.”  I point at him.  “That will teach you to throw around your stinky clothes!”

“You talk a good game,” he says and walks toward me.  “Come here and show me you mean it.”

I don’t think so.  He’s not luring me back into the water.  All he has to do is get ahold of me the right way and it’s over; before I know it, we’ll be making out in the pool.  I shake my head and look at myself.  “I need to change.”  I back toward the sliding door.  “We’re tied; there’s nothing to prove.”  When I reach the door, I turn around.  “I’m hungry,” I shout to him.  “You want anything?”

He gives me an exasperated stare, and I realize I just asked a loaded question.  I open the door and step inside before he can answer.

“Hello?”

Dane answers his cell without looking at it.  We’ve just returned from a grocery run and my arms are full of bags.  It’s nearly the end of second week together and we were just about out of everything.  I’m glad we made it back in time too; the sky looks like it’s about to open up any minute and dump buckets of rain.

“What?” he scowls into the phone.

I set the bags on the counter then turn around to help him by taking the ones he is carrying.  He doesn’t look happy.

“That’s none of your business,” he snaps.

I walk around the breakfast bar, setting the remaining bags on the island.  I start to unload what we bought and pull out the deli meat to put in the refrigerator.  I hear Dane sigh loudly, and when I look at him, he has his head down with his hand on his hip.

“He’s right; I did quit.”

He must be speaking with his father.  This could get ugly.

“No!”

I avert my eyes and busy myself with the groceries.

“There’s nothing to discuss…no, I’m not telling you when I’m coming back…because it doesn’t matter!  Whatever.  I told you before I don’t want it.  I don’t know!  Keep it, sell it, I don’t care.”

I open the pantry to find a home for the chips.

“Who cares what they think?  Tell them the truth...fine, then, lie!  We all know you need to protect your precious reputation!”

I sneak a glance at him.  He’s upset.

“Really?”  He laughs sarcastically.  “You need to take a long look in the mirror before you can say that to me…What?  You’ve forgotten all about Brock?”

Who’s Brock?

“That’s right.  You keep living in your delusionary world.”  He eyes flash to me, and I look away.

He lets out a frustrated breath.  “Then go get it, who’s stopping you?  I want everything out by the time I get back.”

He remains silent for a moment and allows the caller to rant.  I can tell by the way he shakes his head that what they’re saying is ridiculous to him.  Finally, he cuts the person off in a harsh tone.  “I’m done with this.  Get your stuff and get out,” he snaps and hangs up.  He looks at his phone and then at me, his mouth set.  “I’m sorry you had to hear that.”

“It wasn’t too bad.”

He comes around the counter to help me unpack.  We work in silence until he stops, paper towel in hand.  “Can you believe her?  She told my dad I quit.”

“Her?”

“Teagan.”

Ah.  That’s not good.  “I’m sorry.”

“Anything to meddle in my life,” he mutters.

“Who’s Brock?” I ask.

He snorts.  “The guy she was sleeping with in South America.”

My eyes grow wide.  “What?”

He gives me a sarcastic smile.  “It gets lonely in the jungle.”

“Oh.”  I feel bad for him, and I can sort of relate.  “At least James can’t sleep with Meg.”

“Who’s Meg?”

I roll my eyes.  “James’ Brock.”

Dane stops in his tracks and looks at me, surprised.  “James has a Guardian girlfriend?”

“Possibly.”  I shrug and take the paper towel from his hands.  I bend down to put it under the sink.  “He says they’re just friends, but I’m pretty sure she wants more.  He denies it, though.”  When I stand Dane is frozen, staring at me.  “What?”

“James is messing around with another girl?”

“No; well, he says he’s not.  I mean, I know he cares about her, but she’s been captured, so…”  I can see the wheels turning in his head.  What is he thinking?

Lightning flashes, drawing my attention to the windows.  “Looks like the storm is here.”

Dane turns to look, too.  Thunder cracks, effectively ending our conversation, and we finish putting the food away.

Within the next half hour, the wind starts to pick up and rain pounds against the house.  Thunder that sounded distant at first creeps closer with every rumble.  It’s kind of scary being surrounded by this much glass, and I watch the palm trees on the patio bend and sway.  I wonder if we should have at least stacked the patio furniture to prevent it from being tossed in the wind.

“Well, that’s that,” Dane says from behind me.

“What’s what?”

“The satellite went out.”  He tosses the remote on the couch.  “Now what?”

I shrug. “Guess you’ll have to pick up a book and read.”

He makes a face.

“Wait.”  I walk down the hallway toward the bedroom and open the small linen closet there.  I remember seeing some board games when I was looking for towels the other day.  “Do you want to play Clue?” I shout, my head buried in the closet.  I loved this game as a kid.  He doesn’t answer me, but I grab the game anyway.  I bring it out to the living room, smiling.  “I said do you want to play Clue?”

He notices my excitement and grins back.  “I take it you do?”

I nod and set the box on the coffee table, open the lid and start setting up the game.  I hope all the pieces are here.  I was fascinated by all the rooms and little weapons when I was younger.  Apparently, I still am.  “Who do you want to be?” I ask.

“Give me the Colonel.”  He holds out his hand.

I give him the yellow pawn for Colonel Mustard.  “I’ll be Miss Scarlet,” I say and place my red piece on the correct space.

“Miss Scarlet?” Dane smirks.  “I thought you’d choose someone more pure, like Mrs. White.”

“The maid?” I scowl.   “I can be a maid in real life.  I want to be the sexy vixen.”

His eyes shoot up, and he suppresses a grin.

I give him a tally sheet then divide the game cards into piles: one for the rooms, one for the weapons, and one for the suspects.  I take a card from each pile and place them in the secret envelope then shuffle the rest.  I give them to Dane to divide evenly between us.

Once we’re ready, I roll the dice and move four spaces.  Dane rolls and moves ten, landing in the lounge.  “Okay,” he says.  “I think it was Professor Plum in the lounge with the…”  He peruses the board.  “Knife.”  He moves both Plum and the knife into the lounge.

I sift through my cards and show him the knife.  He marks it down.

I roll again and move, ending up in the hall.  “I think it was you,” I move his piece, “in the hall with the candlestick.”

He flips through his cards and shows me the hall.  I mark it on my paper.

“Do you ever wonder why Mr. Boddy was murdered?” Dane asks, referring to the fictitious victim in the game of Clue.

“Because he was rich?”

He shakes his head.  “I don’t think it was the money.  I have another theory.”  He rolls the dice.

“What’s that?”

“I think,” he moves seven spaces, “that Mr. Boddy was having an affair with Miss Scarlet, but he thought she was also having an affair with the Colonel.”

I smirk.  “You think he committed suicide because she was cheating on him?”

“Nope,” he says and folds his hands.  “Mrs. Peacock was the Colonel’s ex and was unhappy that he had moved on with that hussy Scarlet.”

“So Mrs. Peacock did it to frame Mustard?”

“She wanted to, but she didn’t have it in her.  She contracted Mr. Green, who used to be Boddy’s business partner, but was recently let go under suspicious circumstances.  She hired him to do it.”

I pretend to be shocked and bring my hand to my chest.  “Mr. Green killed Mr. Boddy to frame Mustard and avenge Peacock, just because she was upset with the Colonel for banging Scarlet?”

He smiles.  “Yes.  But unfortunately, neither Peacock or Green nor Boddy knew that, in reality, Mustard and Scarlet hadn’t done anything.  They were just friends.”

I pretend to pout.  “Poor Mr. Boddy.”

“Yeah,” Dane fakes sympathy.  “The least Scarlet and Mustard could have done was actually sleep together.  Then Boddy’s death wouldn’t have been in vain.”

I see the parallels he’s drawing here.  I roll my eyes and hold out my hand.  “You have a very active imagination.  Give me the dice.”

He grins.

After a few turns, I’ve narrowed the weapons down to the poison.  I’m still stuck with two suspects though, the Colonel and Mr. Green, and four rooms.  I’m feeling really competitive; maybe it’s the sound of the raging storm outside that fuels my desire to win.  Or maybe it’s Dane.  Every time I compete against him – mini golf, Go Karts – I can’t bear the thought of losing.

Suddenly, a brilliant flash of lightning illuminates the patio and thunder rips through the sky.  It sounds like it’s directly over the house, and I jump.  The lights flicker, and we lose power.  I stare across the table at Dane in the dark.  “Crap.”

He laughs.  “I think there’s a flashlight under the sink.”

We both get up and head toward the kitchen, using the sporadic flashes of light to guide the way.  I make it around the dining table and to the counter.  “We’re going to need more than a flashlight,” I say.  “We can use those candles from around the bathtub.”

“Got it,” he says and heads off toward the bedroom.

I get to the sink and open the cupboard, but I can’t see a damn thing.  I reach around blindly, knocking over the paper towel and, I think, a bottle of soap.  I feel something cylindrical and grab it.  When I pull it close to my eyes, I find that it’s a small fire extinguisher.  I put it back and feel around some more.  Ah ha!  Bingo.  Flashlight.

I turn it on and the beam is dim, but it works.  I start opening drawers to find matches or a lighter.  There’s a grill on the patio, surely there’s a lighter here somewhere.

With no luck in the drawers, I turn to the cupboards.  Way back in the corner of one, I think I see what might be a box of matches.  I set the flashlight down and heave myself on to the counter, kneeling, to reach it.

I feel hands around my waist.

“AH!” I fall to the side on my hip and whip around.  “Don’t sneak up on me!”

Dane laughs.  “I don’t want you to fall.”

“I won’t fall!”

He leaves his hands around my waist.  “Why are you up there?”

“I’m looking for matches to light the candles.  It’s going to be hard to play Clue in the dark.”

“I know something else we can play in the dark.”

What?

He turns me by my waist and pulls me forward, causing my legs to fall off the counter and land on either side of him.  It feels like he might pick me up, so I brace myself against his shoulders.  He doesn’t lift me though; he just pulls me as close to him as possible.  As I sit on the counter facing him, he closes the short distance between us in seconds, finding my mouth.  This isn’t like the kiss we shared the first morning we were here; this kiss is reminiscent of last summer when things got out of hand.  Instinctively I lean back, but he follows me and there’s really nowhere to go.  His hands leave my waist, traveling over my hips and down my thighs to rest on my knees.  He pulls them both to his body and holds them there, pinning himself between my legs.  My heart races and my insides start to knot.

His mouth leaves mine, tracing a hot trail along my jaw.  My mind flashes to his earlier scenario.  “I’m not Scarlet,” I protest.

His lips leave my skin.  “And I’m not a Colonel.”  His mouth finds mine again and as I kiss him back, I’m one person divided: half of me shouts, “This is wrong!” while the other half screams, “This is so right!”

His hands leave my knees and move up to my hips again.  He grasps them as he pulls his mouth away for a moment and rests his forehead against mine.

“Then what game is this?” I whisper.

His lips move back to my neck.  “Naked Twister.”

Chapter 26

“Wow!”  I lean to the side.  “Just come out and say it, why don’t you?”

He moves his face in front of mine.  “Subtlety wasn’t working.”

My eyebrows shoot up.  “You’ve been subtle?  I got every message you’ve sent.”

I can see him frown in the darkness.  “Then what’s taking us so long?”

“So long?  We’ve been here two weeks!”

He takes a step back from me.  “Are you serious?  We’ve known each other for months.”

“Yes, but…”

“But what?”

I hesitate.  How do I explain feelings that I don’t understand?

“Emma,” he says.  “What’s holding you back?  You have to talk to me.”

A low rumble of thunder passes overhead, and I wrap my arms around my waist.  “I don’t know where to start.”

He steps forward and sets his hands on either side of me, against the countertop.  He leans close and looks directly into my eyes.  “Now is the time to be honest.  Can you do that?”

He knows everything now; I would never lie to him.  “Of course.”

“Do you have feelings for me?”

I can’t deny that I do.  I have since last summer.  I hold his gaze and nod.

“And what do you think will happen if you give in to those feelings?”

I lower my eyes.  “A lot.”

“Name one thing.”

I give him a defeated look.  If he can see it in the darkness, I can’t tell.  “I’ve only ever been with James…this is really new for me.”

“So you’re nervous?” he guesses.

I shrug.

He gives me a crooked smile.  “Well, you’re not alone.  I’ve been with Teagan since I was sixteen; I think this is something we can work on together.”

I roll my eyes.  “That makes it worse.”

“Why?”

“Have you seen her?” I ask incredulously.  “She’s gorgeous.  Like straight out of a magazine super model material.”  I unfold my arms just as lightning lights up the sky and look down at myself.  “This is not that.”

He stands up straight and takes my wrists in his hands.  “There’s no comparison.”

My heart flips when he says this, but I still give him a dry look.  “Come on.”

“You think you’re worried about competing with Teags?” he says and lets me go.  “I have James to live up to.  You’ve put him on a pedestal, and he’s tied to you for life.  Competing with a Guardian isn’t easy.”

My expression twists.  Dane has never come across as anything but confident; I took it for granted that he truly was.  “I’ve never compared the two of you, I swear.  You’re different people.”

He places his hands on my knees.  “Then you see my point.”

I stare at him, mute, accepting his logic.  The only sound is the rain that continues to pound against the house.

“It appears we stand on even ground when it comes to the exes,” he says.  “What else are you worried about?”

“James isn’t an ex,” I say automatically.

He gives me a confused look.  “But you can’t be together.  Or did I misunderstand something about the whole assignment thing?”

“No; you’re right.”  I shake my head.  “It’s just that we’ll never be apart.  He’ll know you and I are together; I’ll feel like I’m cheating on him.”

He frowns.  “And he’s not cheating on you with this Meg?  Or how about that other girl, the one from the bonfire?  What was that?”

I stare at him speechless.  I can’t believe he brought that up.

He sighs.  “I’m not trying to make you feel bad.  It’s just…from the outside, it appears someone has a wandering eye.”

Stubbornly, I cross my arms.  “I trust James.  He said nothing was going on with Meg.”

“But, you’re still suspicious.  Yes?”

I give him an exasperated look, and he leans in close.  “In my experience, where there’s smoke there’s fire.  That’s all I’m saying.”

I scowl.  “It sounds like you’re trying to make him look bad for your own benefit.”

He pauses, shaking his head.  “Believe that if you want.  What I’m trying to do is ease your conscience.”

Memories flood my mind.  I think about what happened with Rebecca, James’ consolation of her, and their kiss.  I think about how much their interaction meant to her.  I recall his defense of Meg, when he didn’t deny she might have feelings for him.  I remember the way he looked when he found out she could still become human, and again, when he learned she’d been Touched.  My shoulders sag.  “You might be right,” I concede quietly.

Dane reaches for my hands, and I unfold my arms.  Our silence allows me to listen to the wind; it’s let up and the rain doesn’t fall as hard against the house.  He squeezes my fingers.  “I never want you to feel guilty about us.  Everything that has happened, and anything else that does, will never be meaningless.”

“I would never think it was.”  My heart knows that what happens between us will only make us stronger, and that’s a little scary.  Am I ready to take that step?

He leans forward and places a gentle kiss on my lips, then pulls on my hands.  “I don’t think the power will be on any time soon.  Let’s finish this conversation in a more comfortable place.”

I ease myself off the counter and set my feet on the floor.  He releases one of my hands and leads me to the bedroom where he lets go and moves around his side of the bed to change.  I do the same.  It takes me a minute to find my pajamas in the dark, but once I do, I feel my way to the bathroom to put them on and brush my teeth.  When I’m finished, Dane trades places with me.

I crawl onto my side of the bed and try to get comfortable, hugging a pillow to my chest.  I think about what we’ve discussed and feel some weight lifted from my shoulders.  It’s comforting to know he’s not as confident as I assumed; this is all new for him, too.  He knows about my guilt surrounding James, and I don’t have to make up excuses as to why I feel conflicted.  As for the idea of James cheating on me, well, that’s going to take a minute to process.  But, what Dane says is true.  As much as it hurts, James and I can’t be together, and he’s going to move on.  His duty leaves him no choice.  Would it be so horrible if I did the same?

The bed moves when Dane gets under the covers, and, a moment later, I feel him directly behind me.  He speaks over my shoulder.  “I’d prefer if you’d hug me instead of the pillow.”

Honestly, I’d prefer that too.  I glance behind me as he slides his arms around my waist, pulls me back against his chest, and moves us both to the center of the bed.  I reach up and arrange the pillow under my head, as he gets settled, then tuck myself into him as closely as possible.

“I take it this is okay?” he asks.

I nod against him and weave my fingers through his.

He rests his chin in the crook of my neck.  “Is there anything else you want to talk about?”

“I don’t think so.  I feel better.”

“I’m glad.  I’m sorry I brought up the cheating thing.”

I shrug.  “The truth hurts sometimes.  It’s not like you haven’t been there to know.”

He holds me tighter.

The warm feeling of him surrounding me makes me sleepy.  I close my eyes and give in to the comfort of his presence.

“Can I ask you a question?”

I turn my face toward him as much as I can.  “Sure.”

“It’s a big one.”

Yikes.  I shift my body to lie next to him on my back, so I can see his face.  “That worries me.”

He props himself on his elbow and looks down.  “If you can’t give me an answer, I’ll understand.  Just be honest with me, okay?”

Now I’m really concerned.  “Okay,” I say, uncertain.

He takes a deep breath.  “What else can I do to prove that I’m in love with you?”

My heart stops.  Did he just say…?

He leans over me.  “Name it.  I’m serious.”

I swallow and meet his eyes.  Even in the dark I can see how much feeling is there, how much he means what he says.  What did I ever do to deserve him?  Absolutely nothing.

He gives me an anxious smile.  “So?  I’m waiting.”

I push myself up on my elbows and hold my face inches from his.  “You’ve already given me so much.  There’s nothing else I need.”  Once that statement is out of my mouth, I realize that there is something that he needs.  I can at least give him that, right?  After everything he’s done for me?

He reaches up and runs his fingers from my temple to my chin.  “Are you sure?”

I know what he’s asking.  Too many emotions race through my heart.  When I decide to give myself to him, I want it to be the only thing on my mind.  “Patience,” I say.  I know it’s a lot to ask.

“Done.”  He wraps his arms around me again and pulls me against him.  We lay down as we were before.

“I’m sorry I’m being difficult.”

“What’s new?”

I can hear the smile in his voice, and I elbow his side.  He laughs and then sighs.  He squeezes me again and plants a kiss by my ear.  “I could get used to this.”

“What?”

“Holding you like this.”

I smile.  “Well, get used to it.”  If I can’t give him everything right now, I can at least give him some things.  “I’m feeling mighty comfortable right here.  It may be the only way I can sleep from now on.”

“You promise?” he asks.

I nod.

He gives me another innocent kiss, where he gave me the first, then I feel his head hit the pillow.  “Good night,” he says.

I push myself back against him, eliminating any space between us.  “’Night.”

As I float on my back in the pool, I think about the last few days and smile; so far, it’s been the best time I’ve had here.  Our discussion the night of the storm ushered the elephant out of the room.  Now, Dane and I are more relaxed around each other.

Okay, I take that back.

He’s the same he’s always been except he now knows I’m not going to freak out if he touches me.  I’m the one who feels liberated.  If he makes a suggestive comment, I smile.  If he wraps his arms around me I lean into him, instead of away.  If he kisses me, I don’t think twice about kissing him back.  To say that it’s nice would be an understatement.  Who knew things could be this easy?  The twinges of guilt that still pop up from time to time are nothing near what I used to feel.  Don’t get me wrong; I’m completely dreading the moment when I have to explain myself to James.  But, he has to feel that I am happy and that should count for something.  I hope.

I turn over and swim to the stairs, sufficiently chlorinated for ten in the morning.  Stepping out of the pool, I make my way over to my towel and dry off.  As I wrap it around myself, a pair of arms circles me from behind.

“Morning swim?” Dane asks over my shoulder.

“Yep,” I smile.  Under his arms I pull the towel tight around me.  “You’re back early.”

“I got a brilliant idea,” he says and turns me around.  “Tomorrow is Thanksgiving.”

“Yeah, I know.”  I will miss my mother’s cooking and the smell of pumpkin pie.

“Do you want to do the whole traditional turkey and stuffing thing?”

My nose scrunches.  “I don’t think eating a turkey prepared by me is such a good idea.”

He smiles and his eyes light up.  “I thought you might say something like that.”  He kisses me softly then releases me, turning toward the house.  “I’m going to get cleaned up then I have some plans to make.  I shouldn’t be long.”

“Where are you going?”

He grins.  “None of your business.”

I eye him suspiciously.  “Just tell me.”

He opens the sliding door and sets one foot inside.  “Let’s just say what I’m planning for tomorrow will keep your mind off of home.”

I don’t know why, but an image of bungee jumping immediately springs to mind.  “Don’t plan anything crazy,” I warn him.  I don’t want him to be disappointed if he gets me all the way to wherever and I refuse to cooperate.

“Don’t worry,” he smiles.  “I’ll be back in a few.”

I watch him shut the door and disappear.  I look up at the blue sky and decide sunbathing is in order.  It’s technically Thanksgiving break, right?  I head over to the lounge and spread my towel on the chair, then lie on my stomach to tan.  As the sun warms me, I relax.  I should only lie here a few minutes; I need to get dressed and start my day.  For what reason, I don’t know.  My class work is beyond caught up and I’ve made the requisite emails for the week.  I should call my parents tomorrow, though, for the holiday.  I think about what I would be doing if I were at home and frown.  I definitely wouldn’t be doing this; it’s probably freezing and snowy.  My frown turns upside down.  This is better.

Unfortunately, hours later, I’m feeling the polar opposite of better.  At noon, I started to get antsy.  At two, antsy turned into worried.  At three, worried morphed into anger.  And now, at five, the anger has subsided into something worse.  Panic.

Dane hasn’t come back.

I hang up my cell in frustration as I get his voicemail for the third time.  I would call more but I don’t want to come across as needy, even though I’m about ready to hyperventilate.  He’s never left me alone this long before.  As I pace the floor, I try to stop my mind from weaving a tapestry of unpleasant scenarios.  He must be hurt if he’s not answering his phone.  What if he got into an accident?  The hospital wouldn’t know to contact me.

And then another equally unpleasant thought enters my psyche.  What if we’ve been found?  I knew things were too good to be true.  What if The Allegiant have taken Dane and are planning on using him against me?  It’s not out of the question.  What if James slipped up because of my happiness and got caught?  The thought of losing either of them to The Allegiant twists my heart.  And if the reason isn’t supernatural, I don’t think my soul could bear losing Dane the way I lost James.  I imagine him on the side of the road, bleeding, and my body starts to shake.  I can’t lose him.  I can’t.

I sit on the couch, clutching my phone, and wrap my arms around my waist.  I need to hold my insides together.  I don’t know what to do.  We never discussed this; we don’t have a plan if something happens to one of us.  I know this isn’t the inner city, but we should have known things couldn’t be left to chance.  The fact that we’re in the situation we’re in should’ve given us a clue.  I stare at the floor as the tears that dance behind my eyes take center stage.  How long do I wait before I head on foot to search for him?

Mercifully, minutes later, the door to the garage opens.  I whip around and stand as Dane finally makes an appearance.  He sees my expression and his face immediately softens.

“I’m so sorry,” he says.

I stare at him for a moment to make sure he’s really there.  I wipe my face then walk around the couch.  He holds out his phone.

“My battery died,” he glares at the phone, “and I lost track of time.”

I want to be stern, but my voice wavers.  “How dare you?  You’ve been gone for seven hours!”

He gives me a look of genuine remorse.  “I got talking and then Charlie offered me a beer.  Time got away from me…”

I close the distance between us and throw my arms around his neck.  “Don’t you ever do that to me again.”

He wraps his arms around me.  “I’m sorry; I won’t.”  He kisses the top of my head then tries to look at me, but I remain wrapped around him.  “You were really that worried?”

I raise my head.  “Have you forgotten my last boyfriend left me and never came back alive?  I thought you’d been in an accident!  Or captured.  Do you remember we’re in hiding?”

He looks at me and a slow smile spreads across his face.  It annoys me, and I push against his chest.  “This isn’t funny!  I nearly had a heart attack!”

He rearranges his features.  “You’re right.  It’s not funny.”

I cross my arms.  “Then what’s up with the grin?  Knock it off.”

“Do you realize what you just called me?”

I give him a sour look.  “Inconsiderate?  Irritating?”

He shakes his head.  “You called me your boyfriend.”

I narrow my eyes.  “I did not.”

“You did so,” he smiles again.  “You said ‘my last boyfriend left me.’  Which would mean I’m your current one.”

I open my mouth to dispute him, but nothing comes out.  He steps forward and wraps his arms around my waist.

“I really am sorry,” he says and dips his head to kiss me.

I move out of the way and set my jaw.  “It’s going to take more than that.”

He looks to the ceiling in thought.  “Dinner,” he says and refocuses on my face.  “Let me take you to dinner.  To make up for my inability to tell time.”

I eye him suspiciously even though my heart is overjoyed at seeing him safe and alive.  “That’s a start,” I concede.

He wipes my cheek with his thumb.  “How long until you’re ready?”

“Give me ten minutes,” I say and back away from him.  There’s no way I’m letting him out of my sight for anything longer than that.

We end up at a restaurant just east of Charlotte Amalie called the Fat Turtle.  Even though it’s early evening, I can tell this place turns into party central at night, especially the day before a holiday.  The restaurant is located on the waterfront where large yachts, too many to count, have set anchor.  There’s an open air bar, along with inside seating, and an area for dancing.  Dane requests a table outside, and I get the feeling that he has been here before.  Teagan’s image materializes before my eyes and I imagine them here together, sipping cocktails and dancing close.  The thought leaves a sour taste in my mouth.

Once we’re seated, we order and our food comes fairly quick.  It’s good, but not as good as Gladys’ in my opinion, and I pick at the chicken on my plate.  When we finish our meal, Dane pays the bill and then moves us to one of the bistro tables closer to the bar.

“We’re staying?” I ask.

He nods.  “It’s nice to get out, don’t you think?”

I look around.  The place is filling up.  It will be nice to stare at something besides the flat screen for a night.

“So, what do you want?” he asks, standing to get a drink.

“I don’t know.  Something fruity?”

“Something fruity,” he repeats and smiles.  “You’re fruity.”

“Okay, then.  Scotch on the rocks.”  Like I would ever drink that.

He frowns.  “Never mind.  Something fruity it is.”

Apparently he doesn’t want to scrape me off the floor later.  He heads to the bar, and I watch him go.  When he reaches it, he squeezes in between a blonde and another guy about our age.  The blonde is wearing the tightest mini dress I’ve ever seen.  She has the body to pull it off, but wow.  What exactly is she advertising?  Dane orders and the blonde notices, turning to him and tossing her hair.  She beams at him, introducing herself, and Dane smiles politely.  The bartender eventually retrieves our drinks, and Dane makes his way back to me.  He holds a bottle in one hand and a glass that contains liquid as blue as pool water in the other.

“Here you go.”  He hands it to me.

“What is it?”

“It’s called Turtle Soup,” he smiles.  “Don’t worry.  No turtles were harmed in the making of it.”

I roll my eyes and take a drink.  It’s really good; it’s frozen and tastes like melon.  I’m going to have to pace myself.  Alcoholic drinks that taste like Kool-Aid are dangerous.

“So,” he leans over the table, “am I closer to being forgiven yet?”

“Marginally,” I say and play with my straw.

“You can’t be that mad,” he says.  “I’ve seen you mad and this isn’t it.”

I look him in the eye.  “I was more worried than anything.  You’d be just as concerned if I went missing for hours.”

He smirks.  “Would I?”

I kick him under the table; he grimaces as I connect with his shin.  “You’d better be.”

He laughs, but then his face falls with concern.  “You know I’d be sick with worry.”

I take another drink.  “Well, then, welcome to my world.”

As the place gets crowded, Dane and I spend the time people watching.  I’m sure my karma is ruined with the comments I’ve been making, especially toward little Miss Mini Dress.  But, it’s fun to laugh and forget this afternoon.  As evening falls, a DJ starts to play and the dance floor fills.  Dane heads back to the bar.  “You want another?”

This would be my third.  “I don’t think that’s wise.”  I feel pretty good, but then again I’m seated.  I don’t want to risk it.

Dane makes a face at me and leaves.  I guess I’ll be driving home.  I watch him weave his way across the dance floor and disappear through the bodies.  When he reappears, bottle in hand, the blonde from earlier swoops in from his right, setting her hands against his chest.  Her invitation is clear.  She wants to dance.

At first it looks like he’s going to refuse, but then he glances at me.  We make eye contact and a knowing smirk spreads across his face.  My mouth falls open as I watch his bold move.  He decides to dance with her.  What is he trying to do?  Piss me off?

Little Miss Mini Dress smiles broadly and runs a hand through her hair as she moves.  I watch them and a stunned expression takes over my features.  Dane can dance.  Like really dance.  My face flushes as I remember my comments from the other day, when I told him I thought guys who could dance were hot.  I adjust my face and my posture, crossing my arms and trying to look impassive.  The blonde puts her hands on him, he shoots me a look, and I raise an eyebrow.  I know why he’s doing this, but it still doesn’t stop the jealousy that seers through my veins.

“Who’s your friend?”

I look to my right and find a guy standing beside me.  He’s blonde too, with perfectly styled hair and tanned skin.  He rests one hand on the table, and I can tell just from his arm that he’s built.  I follow his line of vision and see that he’s staring at my floorshow.

I shake my head.  “She’s not my friend.”

He smiles.  “Not her.  Him.”

“His name is Dane.”  I uncross my arms and turn my body to face him.  “And you are?”

He holds out his hand.  “Aiden.”

I take it.  “Emma.”

He reveals his perfect smile again.  “So, Emma, is your friend, Dane, available?”

What?  I look at Dane and then back at Aiden.  “Um, no.  He’s not.”

He sighs.  “Figures.”  I must look really lost because he elaborates.  “He doesn’t look that into her and he’s not dancing with you, so I thought maybe…”

The light dawns, and I suppress a giggle.  “I’m sorry; I’m afraid you’re not his type.”

He nods like he knew that was coming then steps back.  “So, I take it he’s with you?”

I shrug.  “We’re working on it.”

“Well, you’re not getting anywhere sitting here,” he says and extends his hand again.  “Would you like to dance?”

Would I?  I grin.  “Yes, thank you.”  I take Aiden’s hand and hop off my seat.  He leads us into the crowd and I shoot a look over his shoulder at Dane, which is hard because he’s quite tall.  Dane gives me a nod with both eyebrows raised.  Game on.

Aiden turns out to be a pretty good dancer and it’s not long before I’m lost in the fun of this.  It’s only when I glance at Dane and Brittany Wannabe that I come crashing down.  He’s not touching her, but she’s all over him.  The longer they’re together the more irritated I get.  I can’t blame the alcohol; I only had two drinks and I feel fine.  As the songs morph into one another, one thought becomes crystal clear – he’s mine, damn it, and you can’t have him.

Aiden notices my distraction and places his hands around my waist, turning me, so my back is to Dane and Brittany.  He leans in to my ear and speaks over the music, “I’m going to move you his way then you cut in, okay?”

I nod and follow his lead.  When we get close, Aiden reaches out and practically turns me between them, cutting off Miss Mini Dress and distracting her.  I land in front of Dane and he grabs me, pulling me close.  He smiles as he finds my ear.  “It’s about time you came to save me.”

I smirk.  “You’re the one who decided to dance with her.”

“You know who I’d rather dance with.”

I lean back.  “Speaking of, you’ve been holding out on me.”

He grins.  “I can’t reveal all my secrets.  I have to play them when the time is right.  I wouldn’t want you to fall in love with me too fast or anything.”

I shoot him a sarcastic look; although, the way we’re moving is making my heart race.

He looks over my head.  “Who’s your new pal?”

I glance over my shoulder and find Aiden a few feet away.  He’s doing an excellent job of leading on the blonde.  I smile, and he winks at me.  I turn back to Dane.  “That’s Aiden.  Actually, he wanted to be your friend not mine; if you get what I mean.”

He suppresses a smile.  “I take it you told him otherwise?”

“He delivered me to you didn’t he?”

Dane leans closer.  “Remind me to thank him later.”

We stop talking as we continue to dance.  More people must have joined the party because Dane and I end up pressed together to make room for more moving bodies.  He takes the opportunity to catch my mouth with his and kisses me in a way that should be illegal.  Blood pounds behind my ears as I clutch his arm to steady myself.  Desperate thoughts of earlier today race through my mind and mix with the jealous emotions from moments ago.  I thought I’d lost him.  Other women and men want him.  What’s wrong with me?  The decision hits me like lightning.

When he releases my mouth, I stand on my toes and find his ear.  “Take me home.”

He leans back and gives me a confused smile.  “I thought I was your home.”

I shake my head and find his ear again.  “You don’t understand.  Take. Me. Home.”

When our eyes meet the realization hits.  I don’t have to ask him a third time.

Chapter 27

A numb feeling radiates down the left side of my body, waking me.  My eyes flutter open to find both my arm and leg trapped beneath Dane, asleep and useless.  The morning sun bleeds through the windows and I lift my head to peer down the length of the couch, my eyes catching on his shirt that hangs off the back.  My gaze moves from the shirt to the floor, where I find small piles of the rest of our clothes.  Memories of last night slam into my brain and my face immediately flushes.

Yeah.  We didn’t even make it past the living room.

I lower my head to his shoulder, and he instinctively pulls me closer.  One of his arms is beneath me, and I’m sure it’s just as asleep as my limbs are.  I dread the prickling sensation of the blood returning to my arm and leg once we move, so I close my eyes, hoping to ignore the feeling and remain where I am.  It’s no use.  As much I as want to stay cradled in his arms, I need to sit up.

His eyes pop open as I try to disentangle myself.  “Hey –”

“Go back to sleep,” I whisper.

“What are you doing?”

“My arm’s numb,” I say, shaking it as I sit.  The throw blanket, that used to hang over the back of the couch, crookedly covers us; I reach out with my good hand to bring it up to my chest.

He smirks and props himself on his elbow.  “You’re going to be modest now?”

I give him a stale look.  “I’m not going to start parading around here naked, if that’s what you’re asking.”

He raises an eyebrow.  “I’ve already seen everything.  What’s the point?”

“The point,” I fake arrogance, “is that I’m a lady.  Not an exhibitionist.”

He snickers.  “A lady, huh?”

“Yes.”

“Since when do ladies blatantly ask to be taken home and, ah…what’s a good word?”

My mouth falls open.  “Would you rather I hadn’t?”

He smiles.  “Most definitely not.”  He places his hand on the side of my neck, cradling my face, and pulls my mouth to his.  He gently kisses me then leans back, his expression serious.  “Not in a million years.”

I smile, biting my lip.  As I look into his eyes, my pulse starts to race.  Images from last night flash in my memory.  I have no complaints.

“I would have broken out the dance moves sooner if I’d known,” he says and lies back, crossing his arms beneath his head.

“Known what?”

“The effect they would have on you.”

I scoot down, propping myself on my side.  I rest my head on my tingling hand.  “It wasn’t the dancing.”

“No?”  He smiles.

“Okay, maybe a little,” I concede.

“I knew it.”

I laugh, but then my smile fades.  “Do you want the truth?”

He looks at me concerned and then mirrors my pose.  “Always.”

Carefully, I select my words.  “It was the overwhelming fact that I could lose you.  The panic I felt when I thought you were hurt…or worse.  Then, that woman was all over you.  And Aiden!  Even guys want you.”  I look down.  “You’ve done so much for me, and I’ve done nothing for you.  I’ve pushed you away a million times, and you keep coming back.”  I meet his eyes.  “It was time to give you something to come back for.”

He searches my face.  As silent seconds pass, I start to feel self-conscious.  “Well, say something.”

“You’re so wrong.”

My expression twists.  “About what?”

“Everything.”  He leans closer.  “I will always be there for you.  You’ve changed my life.”

Disbelief clouds my features.  “That’s not true.”

“It is.  Do you want to know what my life was like before we met?  Every day was the same.  Go to work, try to contact Teagan, and fight with my dad.  Then, I’d wake up the next day and do the exact same thing.  Go to work, Skype, and fight,” he pauses.  “Until I met you.  You turned my world upside down.”

My skeptical expression melts a little.

“The more time we spent together the more I realized what I did and didn’t want.  You forced me to take a good look at myself and make some tough decisions.”

“That doesn’t sound good.  I never meant to –”

“I know; that’s the beauty of it.”  He tucks a wayward piece of hair behind my ear.  “You challenged me in ways I’ve never been before.  You gave me something to look forward to each day, and I craved your attention.  You know why?”

I give him a crooked smile and get sarcastic, “Because there’s nothing like picking up the pieces of a stubborn girl’s broken heart?”  I still don’t know why he’s put up with me.

“You do have the damsel in distress thing going on.”  He smiles and wraps his arms around my waist, pulling me close.  “Honestly, though, it was because your attention was never a sure thing.  When most people find out I’m Charles Walker’s son they get all clingy and twitchy, but not you.  Your attitude toward me never changed.  I had to work hard to impress you; it made me question who I really was.”

I look down.

“Remember the day we ran into James’ mother at the store?”

I nod.  How could I forget?

“That was the moment I realized what I had.”

My eyes meet his.  “And what was that?”

“Someone to fight for; someone who needed me.  No one has needed me in a really long time.”

With wide eyes, I reassure him, “You are so needed.  I don’t know what I would do without you.”

His expression softens in response to my admission, and he stares at me intently.  Slowly, he traces the side of my face from my temple to my chin, as if committing the curve to memory.  “You give me a reason to get up in the morning.  Don’t ever say you’ve done nothing for me, because it’s not true.  You’ve done more than I can ever explain.”

His touch lingers on my chin, and he gently nudges my mouth toward his.  I oblige him and he plants a soft kiss on my lips.

“I think your sacrifices outweigh mine,” I whisper.  “What I’ve done wasn’t even on purpose.”

He gives me a knowing look.  “Last night was on purpose.”

I immediately blush.  “Last night didn’t change your life.”

“Yeah, it did.”

“Please,” I laugh.  “I’m so glad I could help.”

He leans forward.  “Would you care to help again?”

“Right now?”

“No, next Tuesday.  Yes, right now.”  I catch his sly smile before his lips find my neck.

“Don’t we have somewhere to be today?” I ask as I wind my fingers through his hair.

His voice is muffled under my chin.  “Right here works for me.”

I giggle and move to the side.  “No; what’s my surprise for Thanksgiving?”

He picks up his head and glances at the clock near the television.  “We have two hours until we have to be at the dock.”

“For?”

“Fishing,” he says.  “I’ve chartered a boat.  Have you ever been deep sea fishing?”

“I’ve never left the continental United States.  So, no.”

“I think you’ll love it.”  His mouth finds mine and he speaks between kisses, “You won’t miss being home at all.”

“I think you’re right,” I say as my head swims.  “Although, there’s one thing I do miss.”

“What’s that?”

“The feeling in my leg.”  It’s pinned beneath him again.  “Is it possible to move to a different location?”

He raises an eyebrow.  “You want to move to a different spot?”

“Yes, please.”

“Right now?”

“No, next Tuesday.”

He grins and shifts his weight.  “Will you allow me to sweep you off your feet?”

I can’t help but smile.  “I think you’ve already done that, but sure.”

He moves his legs beneath mine and wraps one arm around my waist.  He slides his other arm under my knees and stands, lifting me and holding my body against him.  I curl one hand behind his neck and set the other against his pounding heart.  He kisses me again as he carries me away from the couch and into the bedroom.

“Are you ready?”

I tighten my ponytail as I walk toward the foyer.  “Yep.  Ready to catch me a shark.”

“It’s more like a marlin or a tuna,” Dane says.  He opens the front door.  “Did you grab the sunscreen?”

I hold out my hand.  “Got it.”

He makes sure the door is locked from the inside.  “This is your last chance to back out.”

“You wish,” I say and push against his arm to get him moving.  Last night’s decision has created a monster; he’s been trying to get me to forego the fishing trip and stay in.  “Like I said before, you shouldn’t have told me what you had planned.  I want to go; I’ve never been.”

He smiles and shakes his head.  “Stubborn.”

“Who’s being stubborn?”  I push him harder.  “Move!”

He laughs as he steps outside.  I follow behind him, grabbing the door handle as I go.  Suddenly, he stops short, and I nearly bounce off his back.

“What are you doing here?” Dane snaps.

“Well, it’s a pleasure to see you, too,” I hear a male voice chuckle.

I can’t immediately place the person behind the voice, but I know I’ve heard it before.  Tension radiates off Dane as I remain behind him, unseen.  I decide to stay put.

“May I come in?”

“I was just leaving.  I have an appointment.”

I hear footsteps.  “It took me awhile to find you,” the gentleman says.  “You could at least afford me a few minutes of your time.”

Dane lets out a heavy breath.  “Did she send you?”

“Of course she did.  Do you think I run around looking for errant employees for the fun of it?”

The light dawns and my stomach twists.  Mr. Meyer is standing on our doorstep.

“Listen, I’m sorry about the way I left.”

“Your lack of professionalism was a bit shocking,” Mr. Meyer says.  “You gave me no notice and quit over email?  I would never have expected that from you.  I had quite a mess to clean up with the Harris account.”

I take a step back.  Should I run and hide or stay and defend Dane?  Defending him sounds like the better choice.  Besides, I owe him.

Dane scoffs.  “Harris will be fine; you have everything I was working on.  Designers are a dime a dozen; go find yourself a fresh college grad.  Besides you should be thanking me.  You can get away with paying the newbie a lot less.”

Mr. Meyer sighs.  “This isn’t about money or the company.  This is about my daughter.”

“We’ve had this conversation,” Dane argues.  “I can’t believe you flew all the way down here!  Teagan and I…I don’t love her.  She doesn’t love me.  It’s done.”

I hear another step.  “My daughter is distraught.  I poured over at least a hundred flight manifests to find you.  Can I at least be allowed inside to sit down while we discuss what may or may not be?”

I know Dane doesn’t want to let him in for a number of reasons, namely me.  I decide to take one burden off his back and step around him, exposing myself to Teagan’s father.  “Come on in.”

When Mr. Meyer’s eyes meet mine the look on his face is indescribable.  Obviously, he recognizes me from the charity dinner, and he’s surprised to find me here.  Has the realization finally hit that Dane is no longer in love with his daughter?

“What are you doing?” Dane turns and asks, blocking me.

“The man asked to come inside.  You’re being rude.”  I widen my eyes to subliminally send him a message.  It’s okay.

Dane sets his jaw and shakes his head infinitesimally.  His expression screams that it’s not.

“Emma.”

Mr. Meyer’s voice pulls our eyes away from each other, and Dane looks confused.  “How do you know her?”

Teagan’s father looks at me pointedly.  “Who else knows you’re here?”

His tone sends a chill down my spine, and I don’t think twice about answering.  “No one.”

He looks between Dane and me, clearly agitated.  “It’s imperative that I speak with both of you.”

I step back to allow him through the door, and Dane begrudgingly does the same.  It’s clear he’s unhappy, but what if we can put this whole Teagan mess behind us?  If we can convince her father that it’s over maybe he can, in turn, convince her too.

When Dane closes the door, Mr. Meyer turns to me.  “We’ve never been properly introduced.”  He extends his hand.  “My name is Luke Meyer.”

I take it and nod.  “I’m familiar.  Emma Donohue.”

He grips my hand.  It’s not painful, but it’s not an ordinary handshake either.  I meet his eyes with a questioning look.

“Your friends call me Lucas.”

At first his comment doesn’t register, and I maintain my puzzled expression.

“I assume you received the money I sent.”

Fear consumes me.  I try to yank my hand away, but he maintains his firm grasp.  Dane immediately steps to my side.

“I’m not here to hurt you,” he says sincerely.  A familiar, calm feeling radiates up my arm and then travels down my body.  Reiki.

“I had no idea you were here,” he says.  “I came only on my daughter’s behalf.”  His eyes flash to Dane.  “I was clueless that James’ Emma and yours were one in the same.”

Dane looks blindsided, yet he sets his hands protectively on my shoulders.  “Let her go.”

Lucas obliges, allowing me to step back against Dane.  “I thought…at the dinner…”

“I was there to pacify Jack,” Lucas says.  “I normally don’t attend frivolous work functions.  But, he asked that I check on you to make sure you could be trusted.”  He smiles at me in a genuine way.  “I told him his worries were unfounded.”

“Who is Jack?” Dane demands.

“Jack is a Garrett’s twin, a Guardian,” I say.  “He doesn’t like me.”

“Ah,” Lucas disagrees, “he likes you just fine.  You can trust that his intentions are pure.  He only wants what’s best for his brother.”

Dane steps to my side and takes my hand in his.  He looks at Lucas with disdain.  “And just who exactly are you?”

Lucas regards him.  “First and foremost, I am a husband and a father.”

“And?”

“And I am also one of The Allegiant.”

My knees feel weak at hearing him admit this.  I didn’t realize how much fear of The Allegiant I held in my heart.  James and Garrett did an excellent job of placing it there.

“Speaking of,” Lucas says as if he has read my mind, “they’re safe.  You don’t need to worry about them.”

“On the contrary.”

Dane and I spin around at the sound of a new voice behind us.  A man materializes with broad shoulders, sandy blonde hair, and blue eyes.  Dane clutches my hand and my heart completely stops as two more men appear beside the first, one on his left and one on his right.  All three of them are intimidating figures, tall and muscular.  One has dark hair while the other’s is so gray it’s nearly white.

“Excellent job,” the sandy blonde says over our heads to Lucas.  “You’ve practically led us to them.”

Blood pounds behind my ears.  I look at Lucas, and he appears defeated, but not fearful.

“You’ve been spying on me?” he asks, offended.

The dark one scoffs.  “You didn’t think we’d catch on?  You’re not above us!”

“It was just a matter of time until you tripped up,” the blonde one says.  “Thankfully, patience is one of our many virtues.”

Lucas remains confident as he defends himself.  “Before you do anything rash…”

It’s too late.  I barely see the blonde nod and in the blink of an eye the other two men spring into action, grabbing Dane and me and wrenching our hands painfully apart.  They hold us by our shoulders, across the room from one another, while the third man renders Lucas immobile by light that emanates from the palm of his hand.  I can see Dane’s eyes fill with panic as he struggles against his captor, but it has no effect on the Guardian.  I don’t even bother to move against mine; if Dane can’t break free surely I don’t stand a chance.  Terror and utter sadness threaten to crush my chest.

My captor speaks and his voice rumbles over me.  “Kellan,” he says, pulling the sandy blonde’s eyes our way.  “Shall I do it now?”  His grip around me tightens and fear cuts through my body.

“You’re right to be afraid,” Kellan says, giving me a tiny, malicious smile.  “This is going to be incredibly painful.”

Chapter 28

Inky darkness surrounds me as if the very sun has been extinguished.  I am blind, my eyes slowly beginning to burn.  It’s as if a match has been lit inside my skull, and the flame is crawling along my optic nerves, incinerating them.  Blinking does nothing to soothe the intense ache behind my eyes, so I close them tight, praying for tears to put out the fire.  None appear.

An image is placed behind my sightless, burning eye sockets; I know this because I physically feel it.  It’s like my mind is a View Master loaded with a picture reel, and what I see defines the meaning behind Kellan’s threat of pain.  I realize this torture will be infinitely more mental, more emotional than the initial threat could allow me to comprehend.  The flames in my head change direction to consume my heart as I’m forced to memorize things I’ve never seen before.  My chest constricts as I try to scream, but I am rendered incapable as bile rises in my throat.  My legs give out as the images change:

James lying in his casket, so swollen and caked in make-up that he’s barely recognizable.

James naked in the morgue on a silver table, his face sliced, his chest badly beaten and bruised.

Paramedics holding his limp body drenched in blood, his legs twisted in an unnatural way.

His open, lifeless eyes as he stares into nothing, slumped in the front seat of his truck.

“Enough!” I hear a voice, and my vision immediately returns; I’m on my hands and knees in front of the dark haired Guardian that held me.  I concentrate on breathing as the burning pain inside me fizzles.

“I’m here!  You can stop!”

The pain leaves my body.

Lifting my head, I find James in the middle of the room, his eyes trained on me with a look of desolation.  Relief washes over me at seeing him whole again, and I push myself to stand despite my shaking legs.  I want him to know I’m okay, and I can handle this.  The Guardian behind me collects my shoulders to restrain me a second time, but not as strongly.

“That was quick,” Kellan says to James, impressed, as he continues to hold Lucas immobile.  “Now if you would just lead us to your former mentor, we could end this little game.”

“I’m willing,” James says.  “But I don’t know how.”

“Abraham,” Kellan calls to the Guardian that holds Dane then looks in my direction, “Ethan.”

Both men release us, and when they do, Dane is in front of me in an instant, frantically gathering my face in his hands.  “Are you all right?  Are you hurt?”

“I’m fine,” I say, although the images seared into my brain will haunt me forever.

A sharp intake of breath redirects my attention, and I look around Dane to see The Allegiant standing on either side of James, one of their hands on each of his shoulders.  They must be doing to him what they did to me and he closes his eyes, clenching and unclenching his fists.  My gaze jumps to Lucas, still frozen by Kellan, then back to James.  I’m helpless to stop any of this.

“I feel the bond,” Abraham finally says.  Ethan nods in agreement.

“Well, what are you waiting for?” Kellan snaps.  “Fetch him.”

The Guardians disappear, and James slowly opens his eyes.  He blinks to focus his vision and then turns toward Dane and I.  Crestfallen, his clear blue eyes lock on mine.  “I hope you two will be happy together,” he says, his voice heavy and stuck with emotion.

It’s in that moment that I know, without a doubt, what he was shown.  What else would cause him pain to reveal Garrett’s bond?  Both Abraham and Ethan touched Dane and I; they read our minds, they saw what happened between us.  James just received a first row seat to last night’s show.  The urge to throw up overcomes me and I swallow, breaking out in a cold sweat.  It’s one thing to hear what happened.  It’s quite another to witness it firsthand.

“Aw,” Kellan interrupts, mocking us.  “Do I sense a love triangle?”

Both James and Dane shoot him an irritated look.  Kellan gives me a once over and then leers.  “She’s pretty; I’ll give you that.”

His comment makes my skin crawl.

His tone changes as his eyes leave mine and harshly turn to James.  “Might I remind you that your feelings for her are forbidden?  You’re aware of this, yet you continue to feel the way you do?  Act the way you do?  And now you’ve taken part in this scheme?  Enabling renegades?  You should be banished!”

James lowers his eyes.  He can’t defend himself; Kellan will know he’s lying.  He clenches his hands into fists again, as if preparing for what’s coming.  He always said he would be punished if The Allegiant discovered his actions, and my heart races in anticipation of the worst.  Is Kellan going to hurt him right here, right now?

Impulsively, I take a step around Dane.  “It’s not his fault!”

Dane tries to stop me, by grabbing my arm, but I look at him and mouth the word “no.”  My argument for staying at school, instead of running away, comes back to me.  “He’s been used; we’ve both been used.”

Kellan looks at me, his mood shifting again as he offers me a maliciously arrogant retort, “A fact we’ve taken in consideration, I can assure you.”  He gives me a sly smile.  “I said he should be banished not that he would be.”  He winks.  “Your decisions are about to get a lot harder, sweetheart.”

Before I can ask what that means, Ethan and Abraham reappear with Garrett in tow.  My mind reels trying to figure out how that’s possible.  Dane steps protectively to my side, wrapping his arm around my shoulders.

“Well,” Kellan says.  “Look at what the cat dragged in.”

Abraham and Ethan push Garrett to his knees.  His eyes grow wide as he sees Lucas trapped in Kellan’s hold.  He looks to his left, spotting James, and then to his right, finding Dane and me.  A defeated look crosses his features, but he regains his composure and faces Kellan.

“What?  You still feel justified?” Kellan asks.  He nods toward Lucas.  “You still believe in his cause?  You don’t even know what he was fighting for!”

“And you do?” Garrett asks.

Kellan scoffs.  “I know a hell of a lot more than you.”  He looks at Ethan who lashes out with his fist, connecting with Garrett’s temple.  I cringe against Dane’s side.

“You went against everything you’ve been taught, everything we stand for,” Kellan growls.  “To hurt our Wards goes against the essence of our very being, yet you wounded yours beyond repair for your own selfish gain!”

Abraham gives Garrett a sickening kick to his lower back, which causes him to fall against the floor.  As much as I despise what Garrett did to James and me, I can’t bear this.  Garrett was a friend.

Kellan turns and unexpectedly releases Lucas from his hold, his body crumpling to the floor in a heap.  He walks over to him and kneels by his side.  “Your muscles have been severed, but your senses have been spared,” he says in an eerie tone.  “How does it feel?”  He pretends to listen for an answer that doesn’t come and smiles.  “That’s what I thought.”

He rises, grabbing one of Lucas’ hands in the process, and drags him across the floor toward Garrett.  “You wanted to be human?” he spits.  “You sacrificed the Choice for a human life?”

Garrett clenches his jaw as he pushes himself back to his knees.  He defiantly stares at Kellan.

“What you desire will not be yours,” Kellan says.  “Your mentor should have known better.  Now he will watch as you are destroyed, and he will know the cost of his mistake.”  He looks to the others, and they step around Garrett to stand beside him.  The four of them make up a line, Lucas included, although he is lying defenseless on the ground.  They leer over Garrett, each of them touching one another at their feet, with the exception of Kellan, whose foot is set against Lucas’s head.

Tears spring behind my eyes, and I lean into Dane, grabbing his shirt and twisting it in my fist.  He clutches my shoulder and reaches up to shield my face against his chest.  Neither of us thought we’d be witnessing a murder today.

Even though my eyes are closed, I still see the blinding light behind my lids.  I can feel it, too.  Instantly, the temperature in the room increases by multiple degrees.  After several seconds, it returns to normal with a cool rush of air, leading me to believe they have incinerated Garrett.  Tears course down my cheeks.

“Emma look,” Dane whispers.

I open my eyes expecting to see a pile of ashes where Garrett knelt, but instead find him still there in one piece.  My face twists in confusion until my eyes land on James.  He’s holding his hands out in front of him, examining them, with a look of complete awe.

Kellan leans down, leveling his face with Garrett’s.  “Your Ward now has what you so desperately wanted,” he says with a smug expression.  “What you thought you’d taken from him, we’ve given back.”  He presses the palm of his hand against Garrett’s forehead.  “While you rot for eternity as one of the Banished, keep this one thought close,” he sneers.  “He’s human and you will never be.”

With those words, the patio door shatters with a deafening crash.  Dane pulls me to the ground and covers my body with his as shards of glass fly across the room and rain over us, hitting the floor and bouncing off the wood around me.  I lift my head to see a man charging through the broken glass, arm raised, a crude weapon flashing from his hand.  He’s headed straight for Kellan.

Suddenly, the protective weight of Dane’s body is pulled from covering mine.  I look above me to see him wrestle out of a woman’s grasp.  “I’m not going to hurt you!” she says, her emerald eyes wild and anxious.  She looks at the action in the center of the room and back to Dane.  “Pick her up!”

Dane does as she requests and heaves me off the floor by my arm.  The woman moves us back from the chaos, shielding us from the battle that’s now taking place.  Dane stands with his back against the wall, his arms around me, as I’m sandwiched in between him and the stranger.

Under her outstretched arm I can see the man who came crashing through the door as he attacks The Allegiant.  They dance around one another, and I notice he appears to be larger than the others.  His brown hair is parted down the middle of his head, falling to his chin and catching the stubble on his jaw as he dodges a blow from Kellan.  The man still holds an unrecognizable weapon – is it a knife or a dagger? – and I notice his outfit as reminiscent of another time.  Suddenly, a woman with a long gray braid appears from nowhere, ripping my attention away from the man.  I watch as she starts to assist him in the fight.  They work together, as if they’ve rehearsed this routine, and my eyes jump to where Garrett and James once were.  I find them defensively standing together near the kitchen.  My heart threatens to beat through my ribs.  What is going on?  Who are these people?

“My name is Madeline,” the woman in front of us answers, as if she read my mind.  She looks over her shoulder.  “That’s Ash and Claire.  You don’t have to be afraid of us.”

I take a moment to look at her and she’s gorgeous.  Her eyes are wide, a shocking shade of green; her black hair is braided like the other woman’s and it falls past her lower back.  Her clothes look almost medieval, and I notice a stunning bracelet on her wrist.  It’s made of thin, knotted leather and a shiny silver amulet sits in the center.

I hear a guttural growl and pull my attention away from her.  I catch a glimpse of Abraham as Claire pulls her weapon from his side.  He stands frozen for a moment then bursts into dust, literally disintegrating before my eyes.  Kellan and Ethan look at each other frantically as Kellan maneuvers his way toward Lucas.

The battle is more evenly matched now, even though Claire is looking winded.  One of the end tables and a lamp goes flying across the room, and Madeline lowers her arms from her protective embrace around us.  She looks as if she’s contemplating joining the fight.

“Go on,” Dane tells her.  “We’re okay.”

She looks at us then charges forward, pulling an identical weapon from her belt.  Claire sees her coming and looks relieved.  Madeline heads straight for Ethan.  Beyond them, I notice both James and Garrett inching their way toward us.  Dane and I look at each other and silently decide to meet them half way.  We take only two steps when suddenly Claire’s body comes hurtling toward us.  Both Dane and I try to catch her, but the force of her body being thrown through the air sends us sailing backward.  My head cracks against the wall, next to Dane’s shoulder, as James and Garrett give up being stealthy and rush to our side.

Garrett rolls Claire over as I right myself, and James grabs hold of my upper arms as he looks me up and down.  “Are you okay?” he asks, panicked.  I feel Dane appear at my shoulder.

“I’m fine,” I say and turn to make sure Dane is all right as well.  He nods as my eyes are drawn to the woman on the floor.  She’s the one who needs help.  She’s bleeding heavily from her abdomen, so I immediately crouch beside her.  There’s got to be a way to stop the blood with my hands.

Garrett moves beneath her and holds her head in his lap.  “Claire!  What can I do?”

My confused gaze snaps to Garrett.  Does he know her?

She looks up at him and shakes her head, giving him a small smile despite her pain.

“No!” he shouts.  “You can’t die!”

She glances around the faces that surround her until she finds mine.  She stares into my eyes and gives me a genuine smile, then grimaces.

“ARGH!” I hear another loud groan and all of us turn to see what’s happened.  Madeline has wrestled a dagger from Ethan because she now holds one in each hand.  He must have taken Claire’s weapon and struck her with it.

Fingers wrap around mine, and I turn to find Claire grasping my hand.  She raises her head and pulls me forward, her strength impressing me for a dying woman.

“She wants you to come closer,” Garrett says.

I oblige her and hold my face inches from hers.  Her kind expression shatters my heart.  How can she look so peaceful while bleeding to death?

Garrett cradles her head and helps her bring her mouth to my ear.  “Respira,” she whispers, almost inaudibly.  “Respira.”

I have no idea what that means.  I lean back and look at her, giving her a tiny smile like I understand.  I don’t want to disappoint her even though we’ve only just met.

The fray continues behind us, and I hear something crash to the floor.  My instincts tell me it’s the flat screen.  I try to look, but Claire pulls on my hand.  She wants my attention on her.  Releasing my hand, she removes a bracelet, identical to Madeline’s, from her wrist and places it in my palm, folding my fingers over it.  “Safe,” she says and her eyes grow wide.  She nods, asking if I understand.

“Yes,” I promise her.  “I will keep this safe.”

“No.”  She shakes her head and rasps, “Keep you safe.”

Before I can ask how, Garrett moves out from under Claire and gently hands her off to Dane.  I give him puzzled look, and Dane’s eyes flit to the sparring combatants.  I follow his gaze and it appears Ethan has the upper hand with Madeline, and he’s backing her into a corner.  James and Garrett take one look at each other and decide to enter the fight.  I watch in horror as the two of them attack Ethan from behind in an effort to give Madeline the advantage.

Suddenly, the pressure around my hand releases, and I turn to watch Claire fade before my eyes.  In one blink she’s there and the next she’s gone.  My hand that clutches her bracelet is smeared with her blood, and I watch in amazement as the fresh bloodstain fades from my sight as well.  It’s like she never existed.  My chest feels hollow as I unfold my fingers and stare at her gift.

“I think that’s important,” Dane says as he kneels in front of me, his face pale after what we’ve just witnessed.  “You should put it on.”

I agree.  As I start to slide my fingers through the knotted leather band, an unnatural howl bellows from behind us.  My head snaps around to find Kellan emitting the sound, his eyes locking on mine, his face contorted.

Distracted by his outburst, Ethan turns and is immediately dispatched by Madeline, falling into a cloud of dust as she twists both knives into his back.  Kellan’s gaze is pulled from mine; he knows he’s outnumbered.  He moves quickly opposite Ash and holds him with a beam of light similar to the one he used on Lucas.  He kneels and collects Lucas under his free arm as Madeline, James, and Garrett advance.  I feel the bracelet slammed on my wrist and turn to see Dane’s hand around it.  My eyes flash back to Kellan who’s staring maliciously at Dane and me.  My pulse accelerates sending a clear warning that resonates to my core.

Somehow, some way, I know Dane is the next target of Kellan’s beam of light.  He cannot be hurt; I won’t allow it.

Without thinking, I launch myself at Dane, wrapping my arms around his neck and pressing my body against his.  “I love you,” I gasp and block him just as Kellan aims directly at us.  I catch Kellan’s beam in the center of my back, absorbing the blow.  It feels like a million knives are cutting my skin as waves of electricity course through my body.  Mercifully my senses shut down, unable to manage the pain, and I melt to the floor.  My world turns black, my body goes numb, and my ears ring.

I have no idea how long I lie there until a peaceful feeling finds me.  It creeps in and slowly weaves itself around my body and into my mind.  It envelops my world, and I welcome it with open arms.  It erases my wounds.  It eases my pain.  It soothes me, and I let it lure me into a deeper darkness.

Chapter 29

“She moved.”

I hear a voice that I do not recognize.

“Are you sure?” another unfamiliar voice asks.

“Yes, her arm twitched.”

Someone grasps my hand, and I feel my arm bend at the elbow.  “Emma?  Can you open your eyes?”

They know me?  I try to lift my lids, but they feel like they weigh a ton.

“If you can’t, can you squeeze my hand?”

That I can manage.  I tighten my fingers around the hand that holds mine.  In response, I hear a surprised gasp.

“Did she do it?” a third person asks.

The first voice floods with relief.  “Yes!”

How many people are here?  I could have sworn I was alone when I went to sleep.  Should I be afraid?  I concentrate and pry one eye open and follow with the other.  My vision is blurry, and I blink the haze away.  Three faces hover over me, none of which are familiar, and my adrenaline spikes.  Who are these people and what do they want?  I try to lift my head, try to sit up, but my body feels stiff and won’t cooperate.  From what I can tell, I’m lying in a bed that is foreign to me.  Where am I?

“Emma?  Are you okay?  Talk to me.”

I meet the worried gaze of the guy who holds my hand.  He’s handsome, despite his disheveled dark hair and five o’clock shadow.  His complexion is slightly pale and his hazel eyes look worn and tired, as if he’s recently been sick.

“How do you know my name?” I rasp.  My throat feels drier than the desert at high noon.  He looks at me with utter confusion.  “Who are you?” I ask.

“Let me try,” a voice on my left says.

I turn my head to see another male, about my age I’d guess, with light brown hair that falls over his forehead and the bluest eyes I’ve ever seen.  He, too, looks distraught and attempts a nervous smile as he takes my other hand in his.  “Do you know who I am?” he tentatively asks.

I have no memory of this person.  I shake my head against the pillow.  “I don’t.  Should I?”

His face falls at my response.

I hear a heavy sigh from the end of the bed, so I lift my head, successfully this time, to find the third person in the room.  He focuses his eyes on me; they’re an interesting shade of blue mixed with brown.  “Let’s try something.”  He moves from the bed to stand closer to me.  “Do you want to sit up?”

I nod and both of the men who hold my hands help me.  One props a pillow behind my back while the other reaches for a glass of water sitting on the bedside table.  He hands it to me and I gladly take it, swallowing half the water in one gulp.  I regard the three of them over the rim of my glass as logic tells me I should be scared to be surrounded by strangers.  Oddly, I’m not.

“Do you remember my name?” the one with the interesting blue-brown eyes asks me.

I search my brain as the three of them look at me expectantly.  I want to remember for them, but I can’t.  I frown and shake my head no.

He leans forward, placing both hands against the bed, as he asks, “What’s the last memory you have?”

I think back.  My mind is foggy in some areas and crystal clear in others.  “Falling asleep in my apartment.”

The three of them regard each other, sending silent messages between them that I don’t understand.  I look down and notice a unique bracelet on my wrist.  I don’t typically wear jewelry.  “What is this?” I ask and hold out my hand.

Interesting-eyes asks another question.  “Do you know what a Guardian is?”

I give him a blank look as I questioningly state the obvious.  “Someone who guards things?”

Everyone around me looks dumbfounded and let down.  I wish I could cooperate more, but who are these people?  An uneasy feeling starts to build in my chest the more I come to and take in my surroundings.  Last night, I was in my apartment at school; now, I’m in a tropically decorated bedroom surrounded by strange men.  Someone needs to start giving me answers.

“What happened?” I ask.

All three sets of eyes dart to one another as if debating whether to share knowledge that I don’t have.  It makes me angry.  “Tell me!”

The one who’s been asking questions looks defeated.  “Erasure,” he says.

His answer makes no sense and it frustrates me.  “What is that?”

He draws a heavy breath.  “Your memory has been erased.”

Reborn

By SARA MACK

Reborn (Book 3 in The Guardian Trilogy)

Copyright © 2014 Sara Mack

All Rights Reserved

First Kindle Edition: 2014

Cover art by Breena Slayton & S.M. Koz

Edited by Abbie Gale Lemmon - lemmon.abbie@gmail.com

Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise) without the prior written permission of the above author of this book.

This is a work of fiction.  Names, characters, places, brands, media, and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or used fictitiously.  The author acknowledges the trademarked status and trademark owners of various products listed in this work of fiction, which have been used without permission.  The publication/use of these trademarks is not authorized, associated with, or sponsored by the trademark owners.

Dedicated to

My family, immediate and extended

Your support amazes me.

I love you to the moon and back.

Table of Contents

Prologue

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Chapter 23

Chapter 24

Chapter 25

Acknowledgements

About the Author

Prologue

Do you dream in color or black and white?

The last few nights have brought me brilliant, prismatic dreams.  I’ve never dreamt like this before.  My hope is that the odd images will continue and reveal the missing pieces of my past.  I need to know what I’ve been told is true by seeing it for myself with my mind’s eye.  It will be easier for me to accept my new reality through my memories because right now things are just…

Unbelievable.

Garrett says the blast from The Allegiant’s hand should have killed me.  He owes my survival to the charm I wear around my wrist; a bracelet given to me by someone I don’t remember.  I play with it now, turning it around and around, as the airplane descends.  After three days of living with complete strangers in a foreign place, I’m almost home.  The familiarity of it beckons me.  I keep telling myself I’ll be able to think clearly – remember more – surrounded by what I know.

As the wheels of the plane touch down, relief courses through my body.  I’m here; I made it.  I can pick up where my life left off and things will make sense again.

I hope.

Chapter 1

“Where do you want this?”

I turn around and reach for my suitcase.  “I told you I could carry that.”

Dane moves it out of my reach.  “It’s not a problem.  Where do you want it?”

I sigh and gesture down the hallway.  “In the bedroom.”

He walks around me and disappears.  I know he’ll only be gone a minute – he hasn’t let me out of his sight since I came to.  It’s both reassuring and overbearing at the same time.

I set my backpack on the floor and look around the living room.  Everything is as I remember it: television remote on the coffee table, cat toys in the corner.  Blanket puddled in the center of the couch.  I stare at it, remembering the last night I spent here.  I fell asleep in that very spot.

“You have to admit I have good taste,” Dane’s voice makes me jump.

I’m confused.  “How do you mean?”

“I sent that for your birthday.”  He follows my stare and walks over to run his hand along the couch.  He then eyes the television.  “Where’s the flat screen?”

I shake my head.  “What flat screen?”

He frowns.  “The other half of your gift.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

His expression falls.  “Right.”  He moves to sit down and bounces on the couch, testing the cushions.  “At least it’s comfortable,” he says.  “I won’t throw my back out.”

Yeah, about that…I look down.  His staying here makes me uneasy.  “Listen.”  I meet his eyes.  “I’m sure you would be happier at your own place.  I don’t need a babysitter.”

He looks at me like I’m crazy.  “I’m not leaving you.”

“Garrett and James will be back in a day or two.  They’ll be right next door; I’ll be fine.”

He makes a face.  It’s the same expression he had when this plan was first discussed.  “I’m staying until they get here,” he says, then adds “maybe longer” under his breath.

I hold out my hands.  “I don’t want you to feel obligated to stay.  I remember this; I remember everything except Guardians.”

“And everyone associated with them,” he quietly reminds me.

No one knows the fall-out of what happened last week.  The boys are concerned that I may run into someone I don’t remember.  If Dane stays with me he can steer me clear until James and Garrett arrive.  “Still,” my shoulders sag, “I don’t want to inconvenience you.”

“It’s not an inconvenience,” he says then stands.  “Besides, being here gives us some time to get reacquainted.”  He pauses.  “Without an audience.”

I give him a wary look.  I know we have a past, but I don’t know how strong our relationship was.

After we established what I did and did not remember, James, Garrett, and Dane filled me in on everything Guardian – who they are, that James once was, that Garrett was, too.  They told me about The Allegiant and the Intermediate, and about the strangers that came to help.  But, they glossed over the relationships.  When James began to explain how he and I were involved, it garnered a harsh look from Dane.  That resulted in a snide comment from James after which Garrett stepped in and told them to hold off on the more personal stuff, for now.

I’m not ready to delve into my past just yet, so I turn toward my room.  “I’m going to unpack.”

“Well, I’m hungry,” Dane says and shrugs out of his jacket.  “Where do you go to eat around here?”

I decide to be difficult.  “The kitchen.”

He smiles.  “There she is.  I was wondering when the real you might return.”

I roll my eyes.  “There are some take out menus in the drawer under the microwave.  Take your pick.”

He heads to the kitchen as I enter my bedroom.  I find my suitcase on the bed and his propped against the wall.  This is so weird.  I take off my coat and get to work.

Unzipping the bag, I pull out my stuff, making a pile of the clean clothes and throwing the dirty ones into a heaping pile on the floor.  I mentally remind myself that I have a test tomorrow in Stats, and I should email my instructors to let them know I’ve returned.  I immediately scratch the email idea.  I’ll just talk to them tomorrow in person.  I do have to call my parents and lie to them about the fake accident that ended my fake trip abroad.  I shake my head as I continue to sort.  I hate lying.  That hasn’t changed.

“Hey.”

“Geez!”  I jump in surprise as Dane interrupts my thoughts.

One side of his mouth quirks up as he leans against the doorframe.  He holds out two menus. “Chinese or pizza?”

“Pizza,” I answer without hesitation.

“Mushroom, green pepper, and ham?”

I frown.  “How do you know what I like?”

He smirks.  “I know a lot about what you like.”

The look he gives me insinuates he’s not talking about food.  “Go order it then,” I say, irritated. “Tell me how much I owe you.”

He scoffs and pulls his phone from his pocket.  “Like I’d let you pay.”

I shoot him a look.  Was he always this annoying?  At the airport he wouldn’t take my money to get his car out of the parking lot.  “I will pay for what I eat,” I say adamantly.

“Oh, okay,” he says as he brings his phone to his ear.  “The cost of two slices will surely break me.  I’ll really need that $2 later.”

I open my mouth to respond to his sarcasm, but the pizza place answers and he walks away.  I stare at my unpacked clothes while he orders from the living room.  These next couple of days could be a challenge.

Once the contents of my suitcase are organized, I head to grab my backpack and catch Dane putting on his jacket.

“Where are you going?”

“To the store we passed at the corner,” he says.  “You have nothing to drink.”

I feign shock and bring my hand to my chest.  “You’re actually going to leave me alone?”

He gives me a dry look and opens the door.  “Yes.  Now would be a good time to call your parents if you’d like some privacy.”

I would like some privacy, but more than just a trip to the store in length.

“You remember what to tell them, right?”

I close my eyes and nod.  “It rained in Ireland.  I was walking on cobblestones, slipped, and hit my head.  The fall messed with my old concussion, and I have some short-term memory loss.  My advisor sent me home.  The end.”  I open my eyes.

“Very good,” Dane tells me.  “I’ll be back before dinner’s delivered.”

“Yes Mom, I’m fine.  I promise.”

“Emma, I swear to God you’re trying to give me a heart attack,” my mother says through the phone.  “When did this happen?”

My finger traces the pattern on my comforter.  “Yesterday,” I lie.

“Why didn’t you call us?  Why didn’t someone call us?  I’m going to have a word with that school!” she threatens.

“No, Mom, don’t.  I didn’t even pass out.  My memory is just a little hazy and the school didn’t want to risk my staying overseas in case it got worse.  I thought you would be glad I’m home.”  I know I am.

“I’m relieved, actually,” she sighs.  “So, what don’t you remember?  Did the doctors say your memory would come back?”

“It’s hit or miss,” I say.  It’s probably the most truthful thing I will tell her about this whole experience.  “At first I couldn’t remember the date or where I was.  I couldn’t recognize some of the people in my group.”  Especially the Three Musketeers hovering over me when I awoke.

“But it got better?”

“It’s getting there.  Everything is back except…”

“Except what?”

From what James and Dane told me, the two of them are sure to come up in conversation with my parents.  Apparently I’ve known James since we were kids, and Dane helped save me from an attack I don’t remember.  “There are some pictures in my phone of people I don’t recognize.”

“What do they look like?” my mom asks.  “Do the names Matt and Shel ring a bell?”

“Oh, I remember them,” I say and it’s not a lie.  Matt and Shel are my best friends.

“Then what do the strangers look like?”

“One has light brown hair and really blue eyes and the other…”

Her sharp intake of breath stops my speech.  “Oh, honey,” she says with real concern.  “You don’t remember James?”

“Who’s James?”  Maybe she will tell me what Garrett wouldn’t allow discussion of earlier.

“Sweetie, I’m coming out there.  I can’t tell you this over the phone; I don’t know how you will react.”

“It’s that bad?”

“It could be,” she says.  “I’m heading out first thing in the morning.”

I shake my head.  She can’t find Dane here.  “No, how about this weekend?  I want to get caught up now that I’m back in classes.”

“Are they going to allow you to do that?”

“I hope so,” I lie again.  I’m already caught up.  “I need to talk with everyone and see.”

The buzzer from the front door of my building rings.  It’s either the pizza man or Dane.

“What’s that?” she asks.

“Dinner,” I say as I walk toward the door.  “Pizza guy.”

“All right, I’ll let you eat,” she says.  “Go to bed early and get some rest.  Expect me on Saturday.”

I smile into the phone.  “I can’t wait.  I love you.  Tell Dad I love him, too.”

“Will do.  See you soon.”

I hang up the phone and move to the intercom that connects to the front door.  “Hello?”

“It’s me.  Let me in.”

I can’t help but smile at the irony in this.  Dane wants to monitor my every move yet he is locked outside.  “No,” I say back to him.

He buzzes again.  “You’re not funny.  Unlock the door.”

“Make me,” I laugh.  When is the last time I laughed?

“Emma, I swear…”

I release the button, so I can’t hear him anymore.  I picture him outside cursing which makes me grin.  He pushes the buzzer again, but I don’t answer.  After a second or two, he holds the button down, so the buzzer rings continuously.  It’s loud and I can only take the sound for about a minute before it grates on my nerves.  It’s like fingernails on a chalkboard.  I begrudgingly leave my apartment to let him in.

When I open the door he looks at me exasperated.  “What was that?”

“That was fun.”

“It’s cold out here,” he complains.  He hands me a two-liter of Coke.  “Paybacks are hell you know.”

I don’t feel threatened.  “Whatever.  You won; I let you in.”

He picks a case of beer up off the ground and walks past me.

“Expecting a party later?”

“I need this to put up with you,” he says as we walk down the hall.  “The next few days could be rough.”

“You’re so funny,” I say sarcastically, even though I was thinking the same thing earlier.  I shut the door to my apartment behind us, and Dane stops midway to the kitchen, turning to face me.

“What?”

He tilts his head.  “Have you remembered anything yet?”

I blink.  I’ve been home all of five minutes.  “No.  Why?”

He stares at me for a moment then turns toward the kitchen.  “Just asking.”

Twenty minutes later the pizza is delivered, and I make myself comfortable in the living room to eat.  I sit cross-legged at one end of the couch while Dane takes the other.  We must be starving because we don’t speak, our mouths too full of food for anything else.

After finishing my second piece I find myself contemplating a third.  Instead, I reach for my glass.  “I wonder when James and Garrett will get here,” I muse.  The two of them had to take the long way back by renting a car and driving to Michigan once they got off the island.  James may be human again, but he has no ID to fly.

“Why?” Dane frowns, mid-chew.

“I’d like to see my cat again.”  I take a drink.  “I wonder if LB has missed me.”

“I’m sure she has,” he says and polishes off his fourth slice.  He reaches for his beer and tips it back.  “Did you talk to your parents?”

“Yeah.  My mom’s concerned, of course.  I talked her out of coming here immediately, but she’ll be here Saturday.”

“Your parents are good people.”  He leans back against the couch.  “I wish I could say the same for mine.”

“You don’t get along with your parents?”

He gives me a blank look.

“Let me guess.  We’ve discussed this before?”

He nods.  “My dad and stepmother own Bay Woods.  You remember your summer job, right?”

“I do.  I worked there with Shel until she went out of state.”  I pause, trying to open up my memory bank.  Things get foggy after that memory until another face emerges.  “Then I worked with Leslie.”

He shakes his head.  “No, you worked with me.  You worked with Leslie for, like, two weeks.”

My eyebrows shoot up.  “Really?”  My brain seems to remember a whole lot of Leslie.  I frown as I realize how much I am missing.  I know everything Guardian is gone, but it’s not just the people.  It’s every interaction, every emotion, every moment.  Suddenly, I want to know.  The unease I felt before at discovering my past is replaced by curiosity.  “How long would it take you to fill me in about…us?”

He regards me, takes a long pull from his bottle, and finishes it.  “Hours,” he says seriously.  He stands, reaching for my plate.  “You want me to take that?”

“Thanks.”  I hand it over, but eye him suspiciously.  “Are you avoiding my question?  I thought you wanted to get reacquainted?”

“I do,” he says.  “I’ll be right back.”

He takes the plates and the pizza box into the kitchen and disappears.  I uncross my legs and stretch and then rearrange myself on the couch.  I glance at the clock; it’s nine.  I have class in the morning at ten.

Dane returns from the kitchen with a beer in each hand.  Is our past that rough?  Should I be inebriated, too?  “Is one of those for me?”

He looks surprised.  “You want one?”

I think I do.  “Yeah.”

He hands me a bottle as he sits, holding it out by the neck.  “You don’t typically drink beer.”

“I know.”  I twist off the cap and take a sip.  It’s cold and tastes bitter, but for some reason I want it.  “Okay, start talking.”

“I think you should ask me some questions.”

“How about you hit the highlights?  Tell me what you want me to know.”

He looks doubtful.  “I’m not sure we should go there just yet.”

“I’m not going to flip out or anything.”  At least I think I won’t.  I take another drink to enhance my confidence.

“You’re killing me,” he says.  “Just ask me something.”

“Just tell me something.”

“God, you’re impossible!”

“You make it too easy.”  I smile.  “Have we always bickered like this?  Like an old married couple?”

He laughs, but then his grin fades into a small smile.  He looks at the drink in his hand, clearly remembering something, and then shakes his head to clear the thought as he raises the bottle to his lips.

“What is it?” I ask then pause as a thought strikes me.  “We’re not married are we?”

He almost chokes on his beer.  “No.”  He clears his throat.  “But I did take you on my honeymoon.”

I sit up straight.  “Say again?”

He looks me in the eye.  “Might as well air the dirty laundry first.”  He shifts his body, so he’s facing mine.  “I was engaged to someone named Teagan.  I had the trip booked before I broke up with her.  You needed a place to hide, so St. Thomas was it.”

That sounds logical.  “Did I know this when we were there?”

“You found out when we arrived.”

“About Teagan?” I ask in surprise.

“No, about the honeymoon.  You knew all about her.”

“Oh.  That’s better.”  I was thinking I went with him without knowing he had a fiancée.  “So you and Teagan are through?  How come?”

“That’s a long story.”

I look at the clock and take another drink.  “The night’s young.”

He sighs.  “I don’t love her anymore.”

This is like pulling teeth.  “Because?”

“Because I love you.”

I freeze.  I was not expecting that answer.  He loves me?  “I thought you didn’t want to go there just yet.”

“That’s not what I was referring to.”

My face flushes.  There’s more?  I decide to play it off.  “I know I saved your life, but you don’t have to lie.”

He sets his beer on the table and moves closer to me.  “I fell in love with you before you tried to kill yourself,” he says.  “Which, by the way, I will never forgive you for.  If you hadn’t jumped in front of me you wouldn’t be in this situation.”

“But you’d be dead.”  I frown.  “It worked out.  I’m alive and you’re alive.  It’s all good.”

“Is it?  You have no memory of us.  It took so long for you to realize your feelings for me.  Now they’re gone.”

“Maybe they’ll come back,” I say.  I feel bad I can’t reciprocate what he feels.  It’s obvious he means what he says.

“I hope so because James is human again.  He’s going to fight for you.”

My face twists.  What is this?  Some sort of turn of the century battle for the maiden’s hand?  I’ve never been the girl everyone wants; I’ve never dated.  Well, I thought I’d never dated.  I clutch the bottle in my hands.  “James and I were serious?”

He scoffs.  “That’s the understatement of the year.”

“How serious?”

“You’ve been together since you were seventeen.”

What?  We were together five years?  Why can’t I remember that?  I should remember that!  “And then he died and came back?”

Dane nods.

I take another drink as I mull things over.  Maybe my subconscious knew I’d need this beer.  “When did things end between James and me?”

Dane sighs.  “I don’t think they officially did.  Can we not talk about him anymore?”

What does that mean?  I was seeing two guys at the same time?  I wouldn’t do that; I know I wouldn’t.  “Fine.  How serious were you and I?”

“Very.”

I give him a sarcastic look.  He’s not being very forthcoming.  “That’s vague.  Just tell me.  I’m a big girl.”

Concern clouds his features.  “Are you sure?”

“Jesus!” I sit ramrod straight, so I’m looking directly at him.  “I’m not some fragile little flower!  I got blasted by a supernatural being and survived for Christ sake!  Do you want me to know about us or not?  Just tell me!”

Dane looks shocked by my outburst.  I take it I wasn’t prone to shouting prior to my mind wipe?  He accepts my challenge however and leans closer to me.  “You’re serious?  You want to know right now?”

I meet his eyes.  “Yes.”

“We slept together,” he says without an ounce of regret.  “We slept together and you told me you loved me.”

All the blood drains from my face.  Of all the things….  Call me naïve, but I was expecting a kiss or two, maybe second base.  But sex?  With him?  I mean, look at him!  How can I not remember that?!  “When?” I ask, blindsided.

“Last week.”

For the love of all that is holy.  I tip my bottle up and drain it in three swallows.

“You okay?” Dane asks.

I nod and hand him my empty bottle.  “Can I have another, please?”

Chapter 2

My bed shakes.  “Emma, wake up.”

“Nooo,” I moan and grab the pillow, folding it over my head.

“You have to get up.  You’re going to miss class.”

“No, I’m not.  The alarm didn’t go off.”

I flinch as the pillow disappears from my face.  “It’s gone off six times!  Don’t make me pull you out of there.”

I open one eye.  Dane is standing over me with my pillow is his hands.  “You’re really here,” I say stupidly.

A slight smile dances across his lips.  “Where else would I be?  Now get up.”

I try, but my arms feel weak and my head pounds.  “I thought I dreamt last night.”

“You wish you dreamt last night.”  He tosses the pillow at the foot of the bed and leans over me with a smirk on his face.  “You’re hung over.”

“I am not,” I say and try to sit up again.  It’s not working.

“Are too.  I should never have listened to you; five was too many.”

“I never asked for five!” I groan.  “You kept feeding me drinks hoping to score – again.”  My late night drunken debauchery is a direct result of his revelation.  I guess I couldn’t handle it without some liquid courage.

“Now why didn’t I think of that?”  He pretends to ponder.  “Oh, yeah, because that’s not what I was doing.”  He pulls off the covers.  “Get. Up.”

Cold air rushes over my legs, so I instinctively pull them to my chest for warmth.  “Give me my blankets back!” I whine.  “I just need ten more minutes.”

“Ten minutes won’t cure what you have,” Dane says.  “Do you have some Tylenol?”

“In the bathroom.”

He leaves and I hear him rummaging around for aspirin.  I look at my alarm.  I am going to be late.  I pull the covers over me and roll, winding myself inside them.  My instructors think I’m out of town, my Stats teacher can continue to do so.  I’ll see him on Thursday...

My eyes spring open.  I have a test!

Shit.

I unwrap myself, scoot to the edge of the bed, and drag myself to my dresser.  I pull out a pair of jeans and slide them on under my sleep shirt.

“Whoa,” Dane says as he reenters my room.  “Did you have a miraculous recovery?”

“No, I have a test,” I grumble and yank open the next drawer to find a top.  I settle for my old Western sweatshirt then dig around for a bra in my top drawer.  No luck.  How can they all be dirty?  I look on the floor and find the one I wore yesterday.  I bend over to pick it up and feel every pulse of blood my heart pushes through my veins.  My head wants to explode.  I wish I had time to shower.

Dane notices my pain, probably because I have my eyes smashed shut.  “Do you need help?”

“Yes.”  I snag my underwear with my finger.  “Get out so I can get dressed.”

“Why don’t you take your test online?” he asks and sets a glass of water on the bedside table.

I shoot him an incredulous look.  “You’re the one who woke me up to get to class!”

“You’re the one who insisted on going!”  He takes a few steps toward me.  “Don’t you remember?  Last night you kept talking about seeing your instructors, picking up where you left off, things making sense again.  You made me pinky swear to get you up this morning.”

“I did?” That sounds so immature.

“Yes, so make up your mind.  Take your test online or move your ass.”

My eyes instinctively narrow.  “I am moving my ass.”  I hold on to my clothes and step around him, headed for the bathroom.  Once inside, I shut the door, dress, and brush my teeth.  I quickly pull a comb through my hair and tack it up in a messy ponytail.  I forego my traditional lip gloss routine and throw some Chapstick in my pocket.

When I throw open the door Dane is waiting.  He hands me two pills and the glass of water.  I take them and swallow.

“Ready?” he asks.

“As ready as I’m going to be.”  I brush past him, grab my bag and jacket from the bedroom, and then head toward the front door.  I yank it open.

“Wait,” he says from behind me.  “I’ll drive you.”

I turn around and watch him search for his coat, just now noticing that he’s fully dressed.  How early did he get up?  He lifts the blankets from his makeshift bed on the couch then eyes his coat tossed across the back of the chair.  He grabs it and then picks his wallet and keys off the table.  “Lead the way.”

I look him over suspiciously.

“What?”

“If I wanted to walk would you let me?”

“Absolutely not,” he says and nudges me out the door.

That’s what I thought.

Unfortunately, I have three classes on Wednesdays which does nothing to cure my aching head.  I think I did okay on my test though, which surprises me.  Maybe the key to my understanding Stats is alcohol; although, I don’t care to test that theory.  All of my instructors seemed pleased to have me back due to the lie I told them about a family emergency.  After I woke up on the island, I stumbled across the email I sent to my professors explaining my sudden absence.  The guys were putting the rental house back together and wouldn’t let me help.  It was frustrating, and I spent a lot of time on my laptop as a distraction.

Since my last class let out early, I pull out my phone and text Dane.

Pick me up.

After a minute he responds.  Pick me up what?

I roll my eyes.  Pick me up PLEASE.

As he drove me to class this morning, we got into a discussion about manners.  He stated I was being ungrateful for his services, and I could at least cut the attitude after I gave him crap about not allowing me to walk to class.  I told him I’m an adult and I’m perfectly capable of getting myself around; although, secretly, I don’t want to walk in the cold weather.  It’s the principle of the thing.  Without the memories of anyone taking care of me I’m having trouble accepting his assistance.  I’ve always been self-sufficient.  Or at least I thought.

My phone vibrates.  That’s better.

I lean against the side of the building and decide to text Shel.  With getting back, and all of last night’s confessions, it slipped my mind to let my best friend know I’m home.  Okay, I’m sure the drinking didn’t help, but learning what I did threw me.  On top of all the Guardian stuff, I have to come to terms with the fact that I had two relationships – serious ones – that I have no recollection of having.  It’s disturbing.  In a way I feel violated, but in another I feel, I don’t know, fortunate?  Smug?  James and Dane aren’t hard on the eyes and in my limited time with them I know they are genuinely nice guys.  In my world, if someone told me to identify them from a lineup of potential suitors, I’d epically fail.

I finish my message to Shel.  Hey!  I’m home.  Trip got cut short.  I hit my head; long story.  Call me when you have time!

My cell vibrates within seconds.  No way!  I’ve SO missed you!  Will you be around tonight?  I’m at the hospital now.

She must have picked up some additional volunteer hours.  Absolutely.  Call me whenever :)

I put my phone in my coat pocket and pull out one of two granola bars I bought earlier.  I nibble on it as I wait for Dane.  My stomach accepts the food, but it’s hungry for more.  I’m going to have to eat when I get home.

“Emma?”

I turn around.  My housemate from upstairs, Samantha, is headed my way.  I wave.

“I haven’t seen you in forever!” she gushes.  “Where have you been?”

I swallow and smile.  “Out of town.”  I only remember hanging out with Samantha once, but the memory is hazy.  “How are things?”

She sighs in an exaggerated way.  “Todd and I broke up.”

As I recall, I didn’t like her boyfriend much, but I say “I’m sorry” anyway.

“I’m not.”  She flips her blonde hair over her shoulder.  “I wasted far too much of my time on that jerk.”

I nod, because I remember Todd.  “So things are good then?”

“They could be better.”  She smiles and steps closer to me.  “I’m glad I ran into you because I’ve been meaning to ask…are you and Garrett together?”

I look at her dazed.  “Um, no.”

“You guys aren’t dating?”

“Why would you think that?  No, we’ve never dated.”  I think.  A miniature version of myself appears in my head and starts rummaging through imaginary files.  I can’t find anything on Garrett and me as a couple.  But then again, he’s a former Guardian, and I don’t remember those.

“Yay!”  She claps her hands which embarrasses me.  I look around to make sure no one is watching our exchange.

“I so want to ask him out, but he hasn’t been around, and then you weren’t around, so I figured you two were together, because you seemed really close and…”

I block her out as she babbles.  Garrett and I were close?  How close?  My stomach starts to feel like lead.  He mentioned he was my neighbor and James’ mentor; a Guardian becoming human.  But that’s it.  I couldn’t possibly have been involved with him too.  Right?

“…so do you know where he is?”

I snap back to Samantha.  “Yes.  I mean no.  I mean he should be back tomorrow.”

She notices my odd response.  “You don’t mind if I ask him out do you?  Is he seeing someone?”

“No.”  I shake my head.  “I don’t think he’s seeing anyone.”

She beams.  “Good!”

My eyes are distracted as Dane pulls to a stop along the curb in front of us.  “There’s my ride,” I tell her as I push myself away from the wall.  I can’t help but notice how wide her eyes get as she takes in his gray Camaro.  “Good luck with Garrett,” I offer as the passenger door swings open from the inside.  I start to make my way to the curb and she follows.

“Who’s your friend?” she asks.

I reach the open door and peer inside to find Dane leaning across the center console expecting me.  “This is Dane,” I say as she crouches down and sticks her head in the car.

“Hi!  I’m Samantha,” she eagerly introduces herself.  “I live upstairs from Emma.”

Dane smiles.  “Nice to meet you.”

“Same here!”  She turns to me and pretends to whisper. “You should really bring your friends around more often.”

What?

She faces Dane again.  “How long have you known Emma?”

My expression twists behind her back.  Is that really any of her business?

“Awhile,” he says and looks at me, his eyes lighting up.

“Really,” she draws out the word.  “Are you guys together?”

I scowl.  What’s it to her?

“If she’ll have me.”

My mouth falls open at Dane’s honest response.

She glances back to give me a sour look then turns to give Dane a flirty one.  “I can’t imagine why she wouldn’t!”

I picture her offering her services if things don’t work out with me, so I decide to end this conversation.  “Well, it was good seeing you,” I say, pushing myself forward and forcing her back.  I slide past her and into the seat, reaching for the door handle.  “Let me know how it goes with Garrett.”  Like I care.

“Totally.”  She flashes her smile more for Dane’s benefit than mine.  “If it works out we should double.”

I give her a sarcastic smile and slam the door.  Dane snickers and tries to hide his amusement by biting his lower lip.

“What’s so funny?”

He laughs as he pulls away from the curb.  “If you can’t figure it out I’m not telling you.”

“What?  You like her flirting with you?”

He shrugs.  “She’s cute.”

I groan.  “Just a FYI: her eyes aren’t blue and her boobs aren’t real.”

Dane’s eyebrows shoot up.  “Not that I could see her, ah…chest, but how do you know?”

I recall the one time we hung out together at the bar when she revealed she wore color contacts.  I remember thinking her hair and her body were just as fake for some reason.  “I don’t,” I concede.  “Just a guess.”

“You shouldn’t spread rumors about people,” he chastises me.  “It’s not nice.”

“And you shouldn’t keep private jokes.”

He sighs.  “I was amused by your reaction, okay?”

I frown.  “What reaction?  I didn’t say anything.”

He shakes his head.  “Actions speak louder than words.  Think about it.”

My confused expression melts as the light dawns.  He thinks I cut off the conversation because I was jealous.  I open my mouth to dispute his thoughts, but then close it immediately.  Samantha was annoying me and I want to go home to get rid of this headache.  But, was jealousy my true motivation?  I decide to change the topic.

“Samantha said something that bothered me.”  I cross my arms.

“What’s that?”

“She asked if Garrett and I were dating.  I told her we never did, but she said we were close.”  I look at Dane.  “I was never involved with Garrett, right?  Please say I wasn’t.”

Dane smiles.  “No, you weren’t involved with Garrett.  As a matter of fact you texted me once – and I quote – “Garrett is not hot.”

“Why would I discuss that with you?”

“It was a mistake.  You thought I was Shel.”

Hmmm.  I didn’t think Garrett was hot?  I conjure up a picture of his face and wonder why.  I mean, I guess he’s not hot, but he’s a good-looking guy.

Dane interrupts my thoughts.  “I know you two were friends and he helped you a lot with Guardian stuff.  Other than that, I have no idea.”

I uncross my arms.  “Well, that makes me feel better.  I was starting to think I had personality amnesia.  I can’t imagine myself attracting two guys let alone three.”

Dane shoots me a look.  “You underestimate yourself.”

I choose to ignore him.

He turns into the parking lot for my apartment building and cuts the engine.  I reach for my bag then the door handle.

“Hold on.”  He grabs my arm.  “I have something I want to run by you.”

I give him a questioning look.

“This afternoon, I was thinking about your memory and how to bring it back.”

I scoff.  “Nothing good on TV?”

He lets go of my arm and moves his hand to my wrist where the bracelet I was given hangs outside of my coat sleeve.  I have yet to take it off, and he hooks his finger beneath it.  “I need you to remember,” he says as he stares at it.  “I don’t think you understand how important it is.”

My face falls.  “Of course I understand.  Huge chunks of my life are gone; I’d like to have those back.”

“Do you understand how important your memories are to me, though?”  He meets my eyes.  “There’s so much we’ve shared I can’t possibly relay every detail.  You would believe everything I tell you if you experienced it again.”

“I don’t think you’re lying to me if that’s what you’re worried about,” I say.  “I trust you.”  I don’t know why I trust him, but I do.  I have since I met him again.

“Well, that’s something,” he says and pulls his hand away from my wrist.

He looks melancholy, which I don’t like, and I decide to entertain his thoughts.  “Did you come up with anything good?” I ask.  “To resurrect my past?”

“One thing,” he says quietly.  “But you have to be open to it.”

Um, okay.  I’m not sure I’m comfortable with how this sounds.  He reaches for my hand and I allow him to take it, but I don’t grasp it back.

He prefaces his idea.  “Don’t be mad...”

I’m not sure I’m going to like this.

“…but I think we should kiss.”

Evidently, I was holding my breath because I let it out in a rush.  “That’s it?” I ask, relieved.

“Well, yeah.  What did you think I was going to suggest?”

Blood rushes to my face.  “I don’t know.  The way you were talking…something more serious.”

He cocks an eyebrow and smiles.  “Really?  No, I wasn’t going there.  Although, if you want to I wouldn’t say no...”

I smack his arm with my free hand.  “No!  I don’t want to.”

He laughs.  “I thought kissing you might unlock something.  You know, shake some memories loose.”

I wrinkle my nose as Snow White and Sleeping Beauty jump to mind.

He frowns.  “You don’t like the idea?”

“It’s not that.”  I shake my head.  “I just had a Disney moment.  Have you been watching fairytales?”

He smiles and releases my hand to bring his to my face.  He traces my jaw and then gently holds my chin as he brings his mouth to mine.

“Wait,” I say, stopping him in his tracks.  “You’re going to kiss me here?  In the car?”

He leans back.  “Why not?  We’ve kissed here before.  I thought a familiar location might help.”

Of course we’ve kissed in his car.  What haven’t we done?  I make a face.

He drops his hand.  “What’s the matter?”

“It’s just… I don’t remember kissing anyone.  It’s like this is my very first kiss ever.  I don’t know what to do; I’m out of practice.”

“You weren’t out of practice last week,” he says and cradles my face again.  “It’s like riding a bike.”

“A bike I don’t remember.”

He leans forward and my heart begins to race.  My throat constricts and my mouth goes dry.  “Listen…” I stop him again.

“What?”  He holds his face inches from mine.

“What if it’s not the same as before?”  I’m grasping at straws.  “What if it’s terrible and…”

“You’re stalling,” he says and brings his mouth down on mine.

I don’t know what to do, so I tense up and allow him to kiss me without much participation.  Seconds pass and I begin to relax; as his mouth molds mine I follow his lead.  Okay, I think, this isn’t so hard.  No memories flash behind my closed eyes, so after a minute or two, I decide to make new ones.  According to my brain this is my first kiss after all.  Feeling more confident, I lean into his hold and press myself forward, reaching out to lay my hand against him, at his collar.  Warmth radiates up my arm when I feel his skin beneath mine and spreads through my body.  He realizes my hesitation is gone and his kiss becomes more urgent.  Was this how it was before?  Because this is pretty good.

Dane pulls his lips from mine just far enough to speak.  “Anything?” he breathes.

I shake my head and try to find his mouth again.

BAM!  BAM!  BAM!

Three loud knocks on the car window startle us, and we spring apart.  My head snaps to the right, and I see James standing outside my door, clearly pissed off.  I glance quickly to Dane’s side and see Garrett.

My face flushes from embarrassment.  Guess who’s back early?

Chapter 3

Why do I feel like a child who’s been caught by her parents?

I meet Dane’s eyes.  He feels something as well, but it’s not shame.  Its more disappointment mixed with irritation.  The first thing that comes to mind slips out.  “What do we do?”

He sighs.  “Get out of the car.”

I reach for my bag and catch James staring at us with his arms crossed.  “Can’t we just drive away?”

Dane looks out the windshield.  “The curb’s kind of high…” He turns to me and smirks.  “But, it’s the thought that counts.”

I make a face and reluctantly push the door open.  James steps back as I emerge, but then walks forward as I stand.  He fixes his clear blue eyes on me and asks, “Has your memory returned?”

I frown and shake my head.  His eyes immediately shoot daggers at Dane who stands opposite us with Garrett.  “We had a deal,” he snaps.

“What deal?” I ask.

“That he wouldn’t try anything unless you remembered us.”

“It was an experiment.”  Dane rounds the car.  “I asked if she would be open to the idea and she agreed.”

James gives me a puzzled look.  “Why would you kiss someone you barely know?”

“It seemed logical.”  I shrug.  “I want my memory back.  I’m willing to try anything.”

His eyebrows shoot up.  “Anything?”

“Well, not anything,” I concede.  “Kissing Dane just made sense.”

His forehead pinches.  “How does that make sense?”

“Because she’s done it before,” Dane defends me and stops to stand beside us.  “I thought it might release something.”

“Well, she’s kissed me too,” James says sarcastically.  “Should we try that next?”

Dane’s eyes flash then narrow.

Is this seriously happening?  These two are acting like babies.  “I have an idea,” I say as I step between them.  “I should kiss Garrett.”

That shuts them up.  All three of them regard me with shocked expressions, especially Garrett, as I walk toward him.  “I’ve been told we were close,” I say.  I wink at him to let him know I’m not serious then whisper, “Play along.”

He smiles.  “Oh no.  I’m not getting in the middle of this.  We were close but only in a friendly way.”  He places his hands on my shoulders and says, “Give them a break, okay?”  He turns me around to face James and Dane.  “And give her a break too, would you?  We just got back.”

“Speaking of,” I step away from him, “where’s LB?”

“In the car.”  He gestures to the opposite end of the parking lot.  “We literally pulled in seconds after you.”

Dang.  If I had let Samantha flirt a little longer we could have foregone all this.  Thinking of her reminds me of our conversation, and I change the subject.  “Someone is looking for you,” I tell Garrett over my shoulder as I head to my car.

He follows me.  “Who?”

“Samantha.  She wants to ask you out.”

He looks confused.  “What happened to Todd?”

“Apparently she got smart or he got smart, one of the two.  They broke up.”

As we pass James and Dane he asks, “You remember them?”

“She does,” Dane pipes up.  “She also remembers that her eyes aren’t blue and her chest is fake.”

I shoot him an annoyed look.

“It’s true.”  He shrugs.

“So, you remember small details,” Garrett observes, intrigued.

“I told you.  I remember everything but you guys.”

We reach my car and I pause, looking over my white Grand Am.  I’ve had this car since I graduated high school.  I remember everything about her: the summer I got her, how much she cost, how my dad haggled with the guy we bought her from.  She’s the first car I’ve ever owned.

“Is something wrong?” Garrett asks.  “I promised I would take good care of your things.”

“No, I was just thinking.  I have a lot of memories wrapped around this car.”  I open the door and find LB’s carrier on the floor in the back seat.  “LB?  Are you in there?”

I hear a quiet mew and my face breaks into a grin.  I’m really excited to have her back; I can’t wait to snuggle her.  I lift the carrier and shut the door to see that James has joined Garrett at the trunk to unload.  I notice James with a bag of LB’s things, and I reach to grab it.  “I can take that.”

“I’ve got it,” he says and places it in the empty litter box along with a few other cat items.  He reaches for a small duffle bag and swings it over his shoulder, then picks up LB’s stuff.  “Let’s go,” he says and starts to make his way toward the building.

I match his step, and we pass Dane as we walk to the front door.  He’s leaning against his car with his arms crossed, observing us.  Is this how things are going to be?  Dane watching James, James watching Dane.  Both of them watching me.  It makes me uncomfortable.  I’m not used to being under constant scrutiny.

We round the corner and make it to the door.  I set LB down as I fish for my keys.

“I’m sorry.”

I pause and look at James.  “For what?”

“For making you anxious.”

I blink.  How does he know I’m anxious?  “It’s all right,” I put him off and open the door.  “There’s just a lot to take in right now.”

He follows me inside, and we enter my apartment where I immediately drop my backpack and crouch down to open LB’s carrier.  She springs from the cage and takes off only to stop mid-stride.  She looks around, appearing to notice she’s back home.

“Hey, Booger,” I say in a baby voice and she turns to sprint back to me.  She rubs her head against my knee and purrs loudly as I scratch behind her ears.  “I’ve missed you,” I tell her and pick her up, holding her on her back like an infant.  I rub her belly and she purrs louder.

I stand and notice James smiling at us.  “She’s happy,” he says and reaches out to pet her too.

I find myself studying him as he scratches LB.  I think back to what little Dane told me about us.  We dated since we were seventeen.  He died and came back.  We never officially called it quits.  Suddenly, I’m overwhelmed by the significance of him being here.  By all accounts he shouldn’t be and for more reasons than one.

He catches me staring.  “What?”

“It’s going to take us a while to catch up, isn’t it?”

He gives me a tiny smile.  “Yeah.”

“How long do you think?”

He shrugs.  “I couldn’t say.  Days?  Weeks?”

“Months?” I offer.

“Maybe so.”  He pulls his hand away from LB and studies my eyes.  “Would that be a bad thing?”

To my surprise my heart picks up under his stare.  “No.”

His face relaxes and his fingers move and twist into a piece of my ponytail that sits on my shoulder.  “You don’t know how bad I want to kiss you right now,” he says quietly.  “It’s all I’ve thought about since we left the island.”

Wow.  How do I respond to that?

LB squirms and rights herself, jumping from my arms and breaking our tense moment.  I step away from James and he releases my hair.  I scramble to find something else to discuss.  “Do you still plan on living with Garrett?” I ask.

“He does,” Garrett says, surprising me from the doorway.  “But, I might have to kick him out if he doesn’t carry his weight.”

James shoots him a look.  “What’s the problem?”

“Come help me carry the rest of this stuff.”

James sighs and heads out the door.  Garrett looks at me before closing it.  “I hope you don’t have any plans.  After we’re settled we all need to talk.”

About an hour later my phone chimes.  Welcome back!  Check your email.

I read the cryptic text from Matt as Dane lounges on my couch flipping channels.  He hasn’t said much since our neighbor’s arrival, and I can tell he’s trying to relax, but failing miserably.  I feel bad for him and want to make it better.  Why does his being upset bother me?  He’s practically a stranger.

Yet you kissed him.

My conscience appears and my ears turn red.  What was I thinking?  I replay our kiss and my rebellious side thumps my conscience on the head.  It was a good idea, dummy.  I bite my lip as I study Dane, recalling his mouth on mine.  How I can make that happen again?

“Who’s on the phone?”

Dane’s question breaks my train of thought.  “Um, Matt,” I say quickly as I redirect my attention and open my email.  “He sent me a message.”

His note is the first in my inbox.

Em –

Glad to hear you’re back!  Attached are the forms required for the internship you asked about.  My dad signed off on everything.  I would have sent them sooner, but I didn’t know when you would be back in the States.  I hope you’re still thinking about working for us.  I don’t make a great receptionist and Sheila is about to explode!  Let me know your decision when you get a chance.

We’ll have to get together soon!

Matt

My memory reels back to my last day at Western.  I recall the overwhelming need to move back home, but don’t remember what set it off.  I re-live the conversation with my advisor, Mrs. Andrews.  I remember talking to Matt about interning at his dad’s veterinary clinic in lieu of classes; I remember falling asleep content with my plans for the future.  Then I remember waking up with my world turned upside down.

I read over Matt’s email again and a calm feeling settles over me.  I still like this idea a lot.  Moving back home sounds amazing.

I hear a knock on the door then see it crack open.  “Are you busy?”  It’s Garrett.

Dane sighs and turns off of the television.  “Do we have a choice?”

Garrett and James enter my apartment, and I push Matt’s message to the side for now.  I readjust myself in the living room chair as Garrett takes a seat opposite Dane.  James chooses to stand, leaning against the wall.  It’s times like this that I really need a dining table.

“Do you want to sit?” I ask James and start to unfold my legs.

He shakes his head.  “Standing doesn’t bother me.”  He gives me a small smile.  “I’m still getting used to being human.”

Oh.  Right.

“Now that things have calmed down, we need to have a serious discussion,” Garrett says.

Dane frowns.  “About what?”

“For one, the likelihood of Kellan’s return.  He’s not going to easily forgive what happened.”

Dane scowls as I recall who Kellan is.  He’s the one who nearly killed me, but somehow took my memories instead.

Garrett takes a heavy breath.  “Obviously we’ve lost all ties to the Intermediate.  We have no idea what’s taking place.  We can only assume Kellan returned with Lucas after he blasted Emma, given that humanity isn’t in chaos.  Kellan needs Lucas to maintain order; two of the four Allegiant are dead.  He’s probably forcing Lucas to carry on as usual and biding his time until he can devise his revenge.”

“We haven’t heard from Thomas or Meg or any of the others,” James says.  “It’s probable that they’re still captive.”

Who are Meg and Thomas again?

“If only I could get a hold of Jack,” Garrett mutters.  “It would really help.”

“Jack is?” I ask.

“My brother,” Garrett answers.  “My twin.”

Yes.  I’d forgotten.

Dane leans forward.  “So you’re worried about Kellan coming back?  I understand he’s pissed that your friends killed his buddies, but shouldn’t he take it out on them?”

“I’m afraid he will, but he still has a score to settle with me,” Garrett says.  “He didn’t get to exact his punishment and now that you and Emma are involved…we’re all at risk.”

James turns to Dane.  “You know Kellan was gunning for you.”

Dane sighs.  “Yes, you’ve made that clear.”

“Why?” I ask.  “What did Dane do that was so wrong?”

Garrett eyes the bracelet on my wrist.  “He placed that on you.”

“So?”

Garrett shares a knowing look with James that raises my suspicions.  “That’s another thing we need to talk about,” he says.  “Do you remember me telling you about Madeline and Ash?  The people that showed up to help us?”

I nod.

“James and I stopped to speak with them briefly before coming here.  We asked if they could help us understand what happened, why the bracelet protected you in some ways, but not in others.  They told us it was because you are Lost.”

My face pinches.  “I’m what?”

James moves closer.  “All humans are supposed to have a Guardian.  I was yours.”

“Yes, you told me.”

“When The Allegiant restored my humanity, my duty vanished.  You no longer have a Guardian.” He pauses and eyes Garrett.  “Emma,” he says seriously, “there’s no one in the Intermediate to assign you.  You are unprotected.  You’re what we call Lost.”

I give him a wary look.  “And that’s a bad thing?”

“For an ordinary human it’s a very bad thing,” Garrett says.  “But you’re better off.  Until we know how much protection the bracelet offers you, one of us will need to be near you at all times.”

I hesitate trying to process the information.  “So, you’re saying I need a babysitter.”

Garrett shifts his weight to the edge of his seat.  “It’ll be more like having a bodyguard.  We’ll need to know your schedule, where you plan to be, and with who.”

This is really awkward and my expression twists.  Will I ever have privacy?  “I do have some common sense; you can’t spend all your time hovering over me.”

Garrett agrees.  “You’re right.  We’ll need to take shifts and the more help we have the better.  That’s why we –”  He pauses.  “I mean that’s why I would like Dane to help as well.”  He turns to look at him.  “Will you consider it?”

Dane doesn’t even think twice.  “I’m in.”

What?  These three can’t just integrate themselves into my life!  “Hold on a minute,” I protest.  “You can’t monitor my every move!”

James tries to reassure me.  “It won’t be that weird.  Garrett and I will be right next door.”

Matt’s email flashes through my mind and I snort.  “Not for long.  I’m moving after the semester ends.”

James face falls.  “Where?  Why?”

My eyes dart to Garrett and Dane and they are equally surprised.  “I got permission to take an internship during the winter semester.  I’ll be working for Matt’s dad and living with my parents.”

I can’t help but notice the smile Dane tries to hide.  Clearly he’s pleased, but why?

James moves to crouch in front of me.  “Emma, I can’t follow you there.  Your hometown is mine too; I can’t be seen by people who knew me.  You have to stay here.”

Ah.  That’s why.

“I’m sorry, but this is my life,” I say adamantly.  “My decision.  I’m moving.”

James opens his mouth to dispute me, but Garrett interrupts.  “It’s okay,” he says and directs his attention to James.  “We can make this work; we can move.  Lucas gave me money, and I believe he gave Emma some too.”

I have money?

“That’s if you’re willing to share,” Garrett quickly amends and gives me an apologetic smile.  “We can live outside of town and James can escort you when it’s safe for him to do so.”

I narrow my eyes.  Damn!  I need some time to myself!

“Actually, this might work better,” Garrett muses and turns to Dane.  “You have to return home eventually.  It will be more convenient with Emma closer to you.”

I tap my fingers impatiently against my knee.  They’re all so great at planning my life.  “How long is this going to last?  You can’t possibly take me everywhere.  What if I need to go to the gynecologist?”

All three of them blanch and I smirk.  “See?”

I can visualize the wheels turning in Garrett’s head.  “We’ll have to take each situation as it comes and stay behind the scenes if necessary,” he says and looks to James and Dane.  “The main point is that we are near Emma should she need us.”

They all nod and I curse under my breath.  Am I even here?  Does my opinion matter?  I get it; I’m at risk without a Guardian and Kellan seeks to hurt me.  But wait…why is he mad at me again?  So Dane put a bracelet on my wrist and I’m somewhat protected.  Big deal.

“Can someone explain why Kellan hates me?” I ask.  “Because I don’t get it.”

Garrett and James exchange another knowing glance.  I’m starting to hate those.

“Madeleine and Ash will be here in a few days to explain,” Garrett says.  “My knowledge of The Larvatus is limited.  I’d rather you hear it from them.”

“The who?”

“The Larvatus.  Translated it means Charmed.”

“Madeline and Ash are charmed?”

“Yes,” Garrett says.  He pauses and looks at his hands then back at me.  “And from what little I understand, now you may be charmed too.”

Chapter 4

There was too much testosterone in my apartment, so I kicked them out.

All of them.

After I locked the door, I threw myself on the bed and put my head under the pillow to block out what Garrett said.  “From what little I understand, you may be charmed, too.”  Just what is that supposed to mean?!  I don’t want to be anything, but me!

Emma Lynn.

Twenty-two year old daughter of Dale and Marlene.

Sister of Mike.  Best friend to Matt and Shel.  Mother of LB.

Soon to be college grad.

It’s getting hard to breathe with my nose flattened against the mattress, so I roll over and toss the pillow aside.  Garrett said Madeline and Ash would arrive in a few days to explain.  Thoughts of their visit send sarcastic thoughts searing through my mind.  I sure hope they show up on Saturday – that would be perfect!  That’s when my mother is supposed to be here.  I can imagine our conversation:

Hey Mom!  Great to see you!

Who are these strange people?

I have no idea, but apparently I’m one of them.

How did that happen?

I was in the Caribbean instead of Ireland like you thought.  I saved Dane’s life by jumping in front of a powerful Guardian’s death beam.

What were you and Dane doing in the Caribbean?

Sleeping together.  Aren’t you proud?

I close my eyes, inhale deeply, and then exhale slowly.  There’s nothing I can do about any of this, and I’m starting to feel helpless.  I open my eyes and lift my wrist to stare at the bracelet I wear.  The thin leather band is knotted and it holds a shiny silver amulet in the center.  I bring it closer to my face to scrutinize the charm and realize that it is forged to look like a tree with leafy branches and exposed roots.  Intertwined against the trunk, I find the shape of a crescent moon on one side and a blazing sun on the other.  It really is a beautiful piece.  I concentrate on it, tilting it back and forth, so it catches the light.  Suddenly, a rainbow of color shimmers across the metal and disappears. I blink rapidly.  Did I just see that?  I try to do it again but nothing happens.  My mind must be playing tricks on me due to the dull ache that still resides in my temples.  I lower my arm to the bed and sigh.

LB jumps up next to me and starts to knead the comforter to make herself a cozy spot.  She turns around twice then lies down, pressing her body against mine when I raise my arm.

“You’re an animal LB,” I say.  “You’re supposed to sense things, right?”

She looks at me as she purrs.

“Can you tell if I’ve changed into something freaky?”

She stares at me for a moment then decides to clean herself, licking her paw and pulling it over her ear and across her face.

“So I take it that’s a no?”

My question doesn’t interrupt her grooming.

I start to absentmindedly pet her as I consult the time on my alarm clock.  James will be back in an hour to stay the night since he won the coin toss.  I stare at the ceiling and grit my teeth.  If I’m not going anywhere I shouldn’t need a sitter.

I close my eyes and take advantage of the silence.  Maybe I can nap, get rid of this headache, and wake up in a better mood.

My brief slumber helped, but a hot shower sealed the deal.  After James arrived, I left him in the living room and retreated to the bathroom to wash away this day.  The ache in my head went down the drain with the water, which left me slightly more optimistic about my evening.

“This is kind of weird,” James says when I eventually join him, handing over the blankets that Dane used last night.  “I’ve never spent a night here that wasn’t in your bed.”

I shoot him a look.  “This is weird for you?  Try being me.”  I cross my arms.  “If you can’t get comfortable here you’re more than welcome to go back to Garrett’s.”

He gives me half a smile.  “You’d like that wouldn’t you?”

“I don’t need supervision.”

“You think so?”

“I know so.”

He pauses, regarding me.  “And what if Kellan returns for you?”

I sigh.  “He wouldn’t know where to look.”

“Yes, he would,” James says.  “Meg and Thomas, Jenna and Joss.  They’ve all been here.”

My eyebrows shoot up.  “All of the Guardians who are being held have been in my apartment?”

He nods emphatically.

“What was this?  Guardian central?”

He smiles.  “Something like that.  Especially with Garrett next door.”  He turns away from me and places the blankets on the couch.  “Besides,” he says, “don’t you think it’s fair that you get to know me again, too?”

I had a feeling this was about more than just some peeved Allegiant.  I move my hands to my hips.  “That’s not what I was saying.”

He faces me.  “So what are you saying?”

“Normal people get to know each other by going out on dates.  Not living together immediately.”

“Our circumstances are slightly different.”  He smiles and takes a step back, allowing himself to fall against the couch.  “Consider this our first date.”

I eye his sweatpants and t-shirt.  “I’m so glad you dressed up for the occasion.”

He shrugs.  “I don’t mind what you’re wearing.”

I immediately wrap my arms around myself, although my yoga pants and Henley shirt leave plenty to the imagination.  “Don’t start with that crap.”

He looks confused.  “What crap?”

I give him a sarcastic look as I walk around the table to sit in the chair.

“What?  You can’t sit next to me?” he asks.

“I…” I hesitate.  I guess I can, I wasn’t really thinking about it.  I push myself off the chair and move to the opposite end of the couch.  “Better?”

“Much,” he says and leans forward.  His eyes lock on mine, and he doesn’t say anything.  His expression softens, and it looks as if he’s seeing me for the first time.

After a few uncomfortable seconds I ask, “Everything okay?”

“There was a time when we would have killed for this moment,” he says.  “It was our plan to live in this apartment.  To finish school and start the rest of our lives together.”

I swallow.

“But, my accident changed everything.  When I think of what I put you through…”  He closes his eyes.  “I’m so sorry.”

It upsets me to see him sad.  “Hey.”  I scoot closer and face him, crossing my legs in front of me.  “What’s done is done.  The accident was just that.  An accident.  You didn’t kill yourself on purpose.  Even I realize that and I don’t remember any of it.”

He opens his eyes and reaches for my hand, which I allow him to take.  “I’m grateful,” he says as he runs his thumb across my knuckles.  “There are things I’m glad you can’t remember.”  He looks into my eyes again.  “But so much more I wish you did.”

I sense a kiss is imminent and my stomach knots.  How inappropriate is this?  Hours ago I kissed Dane!  Granted it was an experiment, but…

I create a diversion.  “Tell me something you want me to remember,” I say and sit up straight, putting another inch of distance between us.  “Something good.”

“There’s a lot.”

I tilt my head in thought.  “You said to consider this our first date.  What was our real first date like?”

He smiles.  “It was prom.”

I frown.  “I thought we’ve known each other since we were kids?”

“That’s right.”

“And you waited until prom to ask me out?”

He laughs.  “I didn’t even do that.”  He turns his body to face mine and takes my other hand.  “We’d been good friends for years and did practically everything together.  We went to the movies, did homework, just hung out, you name it.  I came and went at your house and you did so at mine.  Everyone thought we were together, but we weren’t, and I was comfortable with that.  But, by junior year, I started to get uncomfortable and realized I’d waited long enough to make things official.  The only problem was I had no idea if you felt the same about me.  I asked you to the dance under the guise of going as friends.”

I stare at him.  “And I fell for it?”

He shrugs.  “I would say so.  You seemed pretty shocked when I kissed you on the dance floor.”

My mouth falls open a little.  “I hope I got the message after that.”

He grins.  “Yeah, you did.”

“Huh.”  I smirk as I dig for memories of prom.  They’re fuzzy.  I remember Shel and me spending a lot of time together dancing.  That’s about all.

James releases one of my hands and touches my face, running his fingers from my temple to my chin.  “You looked so beautiful,” he says quietly.

My skin tingles under his touch, taking me by surprise.  “Uh…”  What do I say?  Thank you?

“Not that you don’t every day.”  He drops his hand and collects mine again.

This feels so awkward.  I search for something to say.  “I’m sure you looked pretty good yourself.”  I squeeze his hands.  “I wish I could remember.”

“Me too.”

I concentrate on our entwined fingers.  “Tell me something else.  Another memory.”

James twists his mouth in thought.  After a moment his eyes light up and he laughs to himself.  “This is a good one.  The day I left Ferris.”

“What were you doing at Ferris?”

“They gave me a scholarship to play hockey out of high school,” he explains.  “I went there first, then came here after…” He pauses and gives me a wary look.  “Do you remember someone named Patrick?”

Patrick?  I think back.  “He was my lab partner, right?”  Yep, I remember him.  “He was nice enough, but he started to creep me out a little.  Then he left school.”

James looks concerned.  “That’s all you remember?”

Hmmm.  Something is up with Patrick.  Great.  “Is there more?”

“A lot more.”  James’ eyes flash and his jaw tenses, his grip on my hands tightening.  “He attacked you this summer.  He’s the cause of your concussion.”

What?  I was told I had a concussion to aid in my “I-was-really-in-Ireland” excuse, but I don’t know how I got it.

James can tell I’m confused.  “Three years ago he started harassing you.  Following you around, taking all the same classes.  It made you nervous, so I came here to ask him to back off.  We ended up getting into a fight.”

“A physical fight?”

“A bad one,” he confirms.  “He disappeared after that, but I left Ferris and transferred here to be with you.  Just in case he came back.”

My stomach starts to feel queasy.  “So what happened?”

“When I hit him I really messed up his face.  I partially blinded him in one eye, which I never meant to do.  In his messed up mind he blamed you instead of me, convinced himself that you put me up to it while in reality all you had asked me to do was talk to him.  When he found out I died he started to stalk you; he ended up confronting you at your house.”  James shudders.  He looks into my eyes, his filling with pain.  “He tried to force himself on you…”

Oh, this is bad.  “Stop,” I say.  I don’t want to remember this if I don’t have to.  “He didn’t, did he?”

“No.  You fought back.  But he hurt you.”

I reach up and rub my forehead.  Why don’t I remember this?  Patrick has nothing to do with Guardians.

“Dane saved you,” James says, “and I was there, too.  We both took care of Patrick, although Dane was able to do a lot more than me.”

My mind scrambles to wrap around what he’s telling me.  I was almost raped and James and Dane stopped it.  Thank God for the both of them.  “What would I have done without you?” I ask.  Impulsively, I lean forward and hug James, wrapping my arms around his neck and setting my chin on his shoulder.  “Thank you so much,” I whisper.

I feel his arms circle my waist then move up my back, pressing me to him.  “No thanks necessary,” he says quietly.

As we stay wrapped around one another his heartbeat falls in rhythm with mine.  I know this because I can feel it beating through his chest.  It feels comfortable and safe here, and I close my eyes as I relax into his arms.  One of his hands brushes up my back to move my hair away from my neck, and he turns and plants a soft kiss against it.

My eyes pop open and I lean back, so we’re inches apart.  “What are you doing?”

“What I’ve always done,” he says and searches my face.

I place my hands on his shoulders and push myself back to where I was.  “I don’t know if I’m ready for what we’ve always done.”

He looks alarmed.  “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable,” he says, even though his hands have fallen from my waist and linger on my knees.  “I couldn’t help myself.  You feel so good.”

I arch an eyebrow.  “Come again?”

He absentmindedly rubs my knee.  “I only regained my humanity a week ago.  I haven’t truly felt anything in months,” he says.  “You don’t know how long I’ve waited to feel the real you beneath my hands again and not just your temperature.”

The sincere way he looks at me almost makes me wish I didn’t have a conscience.  I grab his hands and lace my fingers through his.  “Will this do for now?”

“I’ll take whatever you can give me,” he says and tightens his grip around mine.

I study our hands.  “So what was the good memory you had about the day you left Ferris?”

He chuckles.  “You were helping me get settled into my dorm and helping me unpack.  Let’s just say the idea of us living so close after a year of driving back and forth got the better of us.”

“Really?” I purse my lips.  “Your good memory is of us getting it on?”

He gives me a sly smile.  “I have lots of those.  This particular time was interesting.”

“How so?”

“We were carrying boxes down the hallway.  We were almost to my room when I looked at you and you looked at me.  Without a word we both dropped the boxes and started making out.”

“In the hall?”

He nods.  “You pushed me up against the wall…”

My jaw drops.  “I pushed you?”

“…and things started to get a little out of hand.  You reached around me and ended up pulling the fire alarm.”  He grins.  “The whole building had to be evacuated.”

My face flushes even though I recall none of this.  “Did they find out it was me?”

James laughs.  “No, we got out of there pretty quick.”

I can’t help but laugh with him as I picture the scene.  I stare at him for a moment, realizing we have countless memories together, and smile. “Keep talking.”

Hours later I try to hold my eyes open.  It’s well past one a.m. and James has been filling me in all night.  I want to hear more, but I’m so tired.

“Why aren’t you sleepy?” I yawn.

“This turning human thing has left me with some lingering Guardian traits,” he says.  “It’s weird.  I’ve only slept twenty four hours since it happened.”

“Is that normal?”

He shrugs.  “The same thing happened to Garrett, but he’s turning gradually.  He thinks all of my human traits should have returned by now because of the way I was Reborn.”

“All of your traits?  What else are you missing?”

“Hunger.  I eat maybe once a day.”

Nice.  I wish I had that problem.  I remove my hand from his and flex my fingers; they’re cramped.  “Anything else?”

“I’ve only used the bathroom twice since last week.”

I make a face.  “Okay.  I don’t need to know anymore.”

He smirks.  “I do shower and brush my teeth if that’s what you’re worried about.”

I raise my hand to cover my mouth as I yawn again.

“Come here,” he says and tugs on the hand he still holds.  He scoots back into the corner of the couch, shifts his legs, and pulls me to lie down beside him with my back to his chest.  “Do you think you could sleep here?  With me?”

It feels so good to lie down; I stretch out and bury myself against the cushions beneath me.  “Umm hmm,” I mumble.

James grabs the blankets that sit on the back of the couch and covers us with them.  He rests his arm over my side.  “What time do you have to be up tomorrow?” he asks.

“Not until ten.”

“Go to sleep,” he says and pulls me against him.  “I’ll wake you when it’s time.”

I lean against him knowing that this is exactly where I’d be if his accident had never happened.  It feels odd, but it feels good, too.  I allow myself to fall asleep, relaxed and content.  Maybe this bodyguard thing isn’t so bad after all.

Chapter 5

“Surprise!”

I almost lose my balance as Shel launches herself forward and hugs me tightly.  “What are you doing here?” I ask, grinning over her shoulder.

“I thought you might want to see a friend,” my mother says as she follows her through the door.

I squeeze Shel tight then step back.  Instantly we start laughing for no reason.  God it feels good to see her!  I feel like it’s been eons.

My mom walks around Shel to hug me as well.  She rocks me side to side for a second and then steps back, holding me at arm’s length and inspecting me.

“What?” I smile.

“You look great,” she says.  “Have you been tanning?”

I frown.  “Why would I go tanning?”  I would never pay to sit under artificial cancer-causing light.

“You look different,” Shel says coming forward.  “You must have picked up some color in Ireland.  Was it sunny?  I thought it mostly rained there.”

Shoot!  I’ve only been back from the Irish Caribbean for five days; I didn’t think about having a tan!  I race for an explanation.  “We had a week of unnaturally warm weather,” I lie.  “I spent as much of it outside as I could.  Maybe I did get a tan.”  I lift my arm pretending to inspect it.  “I really didn’t notice.”

“Oooo, what’s that?” Shel asks and reaches for my wrist, noticing my bracelet. “Did you get this over there?”

“Yep,” I lie again.  “Do you like it?”

She lifts my wrist higher to get a better look.  “It’s so intricate,” she says and spins it around.  “I love it.”

My mother takes a turn to eye it as well, nodding her approval.  “It’s pretty.”

“Well, come in and sit down,” I say, backing up.

“Where’s LB?” Shel asks as she takes off her coat and tosses it over the back of the couch.

“On my bed.”

She takes off to bother her as my mom takes a seat.  “Give me that.”  I reach for her coat and place it next to Shel’s.  I wish I had somewhere to hang them.  “I guess I could use a coat rack, huh?”

My mom smiles.  “I’ll remember that; Christmas is coming.  You should make a list.”

I shake my head.  “You’ve started shopping, haven’t you?”  My mom always starts her holiday shopping in October, I swear.

“You know I shop year round,” she says and starts to dig through her purse.  I sit down next to her as she pulls out a small beat up pocket calendar and pen.  She flips to the back and writes down coat rack.  “What else do you need for this place?”

“About that…” I drift off.  I’ve been saving my big moving home secret until now.  “Shel!” I call into the bedroom.  “Get in here!”

She reappears holding LB.  “What’s up?”

“I emailed Matt this morning,” I tell her.  “My advisor signed off yesterday.”

She breaks out into a beaming smile.  “Yay!”

“What’s going on?” my mom asks, confused.

I turn toward her, excited.  “I won’t be living here next semester.”

She narrows her eyes at me.  “Emma Lynn.  What are you up to now?  Where will you be?”

“Home.”  I smile.  “I’m moving back home.”

It takes a minute for my revelation to register.  I see her let out a breath of relief.  “How?”

“I have three classes left,” I explain as Shel sits next to me.  “I talked to my advisor, and I can complete an internship in place of two.  Based on my friend’s brilliant suggestion,” I look at Shel, “I’ll be working at Mr. Randall’s clinic.  The other class I’ll take online.”

My mom takes my hand and clutches it.  She has tears in her eyes.

“Don’t cry!” I say, panicked.  “I thought you’d be happy!”

“I am.”  A tear escapes and she quickly wipes it away.  “I’ve been worried about you.  Especially after this last incident with your head…” She holds my hand in both of hers.  “I’m ecstatic.”

I lean forward and give her another hug, this one harder than the last.  Since James shared the Patrick incident with me I have a better understanding of her worry.  “I can’t wait to be home,” I say into her shoulder.

“When will you need dads truck?” she asks when she releases me.

“Classes end in two weeks.  Would that weekend be okay?”

“Absolutely,” she says.  She leans around me to look at Shel.  “We should celebrate.”

“Hecks yeah, we should!” Shel lets LB jump from her arms.  “What should we do?”

“Shopping?” my mom suggests.  “Isn’t there a mall near here?”

“Crossroads,” I confirm.  “It’s about fifteen minutes away.”  Normally shopping isn’t something I enjoy, but for some reason it sounds so fun right now.  I would do anything to spend time with these two.

“Then let’s go,” Shel says and stands.

“I’ll drive,” I volunteer.

“Wait.”  My mom looks Shel in the eye.  “I think we should talk about James first.”

Oh, I really don’t want to do that.  I mean, I want to at some point, but I know so much more about him now.  I look at Shel suspiciously.  “That’s why you’re here, isn’t it?”

She gives me a sheepish smile and sits down.  “Yes.  But, I wanted to see you regardless.”

My mom takes my hand again.  “I thought it would be best if we were both here to explain James to you.”

How can I make this go away?  I want to have fun.  “It’s okay.  Things have been coming back.  I remember James.”

“What do you remember?”

I tick what I know – and can say in front of my mother – off on my fingers.  “That he was my boyfriend.  We went to prom together.  We were friends since we were kids.  He went to school here with me, and he died in April.”

Concern is etched across Shel’s face.  “You don’t sound sad about that.”

Damn.  I should have thrown in some unsteady breaths or something.  I shrug.  “I guess all the emotions haven’t returned?”

Her eyes jump to my mom for a moment then back to me.  “Emma, you were completely wrecked when James died.  Your parents asked me to stay with you over the summer to pull you out of your depression.”

I was depressed?  I remember a happy summer with Shel visiting.

“Honey, you scared us,” my mom says.  “She had to force you out of the house.”

My eyes grow wide.  She did?  “But we worked at the golf course.”  I turn to Shel.  “You made me do that?”

She nods.  “I also kind of pushed you into doing a few other things.”

“Like what?”

She looks shy again, which is rare for Shel.  “Visiting the cemetery.”

“And?”

“Going to Matt’s for his Memorial Day party.”

“And?”

“I think that’s all.  You weren’t as depressed after that.  Especially after you met Dane.  Now, I did push you into a few things with him, but you’ve already forgiven me for those.”  She smiles as if my forgiveness should extend to her other prodding.

Wait, what?  She pushed me into things with Dane?  Man, this sucks!  I can’t ask her about that.  She doesn’t know I don’t remember him either.

“I guess we should be glad you’ve forgotten such a sad time,” my mother says.  “But, James was a very special person in your life.”  She places a flash drive in my hand.  “I downloaded some pictures of the two of you.  I thought it might help.”

I look at the drive for a moment then at her, touched by the gesture.  “Thank you.  I’m sure it will.  It’s not like I don’t want to remember him.”

Shel and my mom look at me with sympathetic expressions.  I don’t want them to be sad for me because I’m not.  “What do you say we don’t dwell on this?” I suggest and carefully place the flash drive on the coffee table.  “Let’s go enjoy ourselves and have a fun afternoon.”

Shel tilts her head.  “I like your way of thinking, even though it’s completely unexpected.”

“What do you mean?”

“You’re not acting like post-accident Emma.”

I smirk.  “There’s a post-accident Emma?  What am I acting like then?”

She smiles.  “Pre-accident Emma.”  She leans into me and whispers, “I like it.”

I elbow her playfully in the arm.  “Then let’s go.”

We all stand, and as my guests get their coats, I leave the room to find mine.  I grab my purse, give LB a kiss, and head toward the door.

“By the way,” Shel asks, “have you talked to Dane lately?  He’s been out of town and Matt’s barely been able to get a hold of him.  Have you two made up yet?”

I stare at her puzzled.  Made up?  Did we have a fight?

And then, as if on cue, the door to my apartment opens and Dane steps inside.  “Emma?  Are you decent?  I left my toothbrush…”

OH. MY. GOD.  I didn’t lock the door!  How could he forget I was expecting my mother today?

Dane freezes wide-eyed as he takes in my mom and Shel, and my eyes bounce between the three of them.  Shel’s mouth hangs open and my mom only blinks.  Dane quickly rearranges his features to be more relaxed.  “Hey.”  He smiles and steps further inside.  “I guess Emma didn’t tell you I was visiting.”

They all look at me.  “I-I was getting to that,” I stutter.  I try to shoot him a subtle look.  What now?

“I was headed home from my business trip and decided to stop by,” he says.  He walks over to Shel and gives her a one-armed hug.  He looks at my mom and flashes his mega-watt grin.  “Mrs. Donohue.”

“Dane,” she says.

Shel glances between us then shoots me a look.  It’s not just any look, either.  It’s the Shel Inquisition Look.  Her jaw tenses.  “How long has he been here?” she asks.

I say “Not long” as Dane says “A day or so.”

My face flushes.  We’re not doing a very good job.  I attempt to clarify.  “He’s been here about a day which isn’t a long time.”

Shel crosses her arms and widens her stance.  “Is that so?”

“Yes.”  I try not to look at the floor, but it’s hard.  Curse my horrible lying abilities!

“So,” Dane interrupts, “where are you ladies off to?”

“The mall,” my mother says and adjusts her purse over her shoulder.  “Care to join us?  I would hate to invade on your time with Emma.”

My mouth falls open as I catch my mom’s eye.  She gives me a knowing smile.  What in the world is going on here?

Dane holds his hands out in front of him.  “Oh no, I’ll leave that up to you.  I don’t think I could keep up,” he tries to joke.  His eyes fall on mine.  “I’ll be with Garrett watching the game.”  He backs toward the door.  “Just let me know when you get back.”

“What about your toothbrush?” Shel asks with her eyebrows raised.  “Weren’t you looking for that?”

“Ah...” Dane hesitates.  “Yeah.  It’s not a big deal.  I’ll just come back later.”

“No, I think you should get it now,” Shel presses.

What is she up to?

Dane gives her a wry smile.  “You know what?  You’re right.”  He confidently walks past us and into my bathroom.  I watch him, so I don’t have to look at Shel or my mom.  He appears seconds later, toothbrush in hand.  As he passes Shel he waves it inches from her face.  “Got it,” he says and grabs the door handle.  “It was nice to see you again,” he says to my mother.  “Have fun shopping.”  To Shel he says, “Tell Matt I’ll give him a call.”

“Oh, I will,” she says, her eyes narrow.

He blasts her with his smile then exits quickly.  The sound of the door closing causes my tense body to jerk.  I’m in for it now.

“Well, wasn’t that interesting?” my mom asks, turning to me.

“He just stopped by after his work trip.”  I try to act casual.  “So, yes,” I turn to Shel, “I have talked to him.”

“It’s a lucky thing you were home from Ireland,” she says.  “He would’ve missed you.”

“No.” I make my way to the door.  “He knew where I was.  We’ve been texting.”

“Really?”  She raises her brows again.  “Why didn’t I know about this?”

“Because I don’t tell you everything.”  I grab a hold of the doorknob and pull.  “Are we shopping or would you rather interrogate me?”

“Shopping,” my mom pipes up.

Bless her.  She knows I’m uncomfortable.

My mother walks out the door, and I take a step to follow her.  Shel grabs my arm, pulling me back.  “We. Need. To. Talk.”

“Later,” I whisper.

“Of course later.  But don’t think you’re getting out of it.”

I roll my eyes.

Outside, I study the ground as we head to the car.  What kind of believable lies can I come up with before we get back?  As I slide into my seat and adjust the rearview mirror, I catch Garrett heading to Dane’s Camaro.  He unlocks the door and glances my way before getting in.  His eyes lock on mine and he gives me a small nod.  I sigh.

Looks like we have a shadow.

I pull a sweater over my head and adjust the cowl neck.  My mother has convinced me that I need some professional clothes if I’m going to be working a real job in a real office.  She’s right; I own next to nothing that is workplace appropriate.  So far, I’ve settled on a black skirt, a pair of brown dress pants, and two tops, one with long sleeves.  I turn in the mirror and pull the sweater down over my backside; it’s long and lands mid-thigh.  This would look good with leggings…

“Can you help me?” Shel asks from outside the changing room curtain.

“Yep.”  I sweep the fabric aside to let her in.  “What’s up?”

“I think I’m trapped in this dress,” she says and turns around.  “Can you unzip me?”

I laugh and pull on the zipper.  It’s tight at the top, but then slides down easily.  “Planning a night out?” I ask.

“Every girl needs a little black dress.”  She turns and faces me.  “Do you have one?”

I shake my head.

“You should get one, especially if you’re seeing Dane.”  She points at me.  “His father’s important; you might have to attend a dinner or two.”

I sigh.  “It’s not like that with me and Dane.”

She snorts.  “Riiight.   He left his toothbrush at your place.”  She gives me a condescending look.  “You’re sleeping with him.”

My face registers complete shock.  “I am not!”  Well, not right now anyway.

She puts her hands on her hips.  “You expect me to believe that?”

“Yes!” I say adamantly.  “We are not sleeping together.”  I turn away from her and lift the sweater over my head to put it back on the hanger.  I need to avoid her gaze for a minute.

She inhales sharply.  “What the…!”

I spin around.  “What?  What’s wrong?”

She crosses her arms and her face twists into a sour expression.  “You have tan lines,” she almost growls.

My face pinches.  “What?  No, I…” I look over my shoulder at my back in the mirror.  Shit.  I do have tan lines.  I look at Shel.

“Where were you?” she asks through gritted teeth.

What can I say?  Suddenly my ears feel like they’re on fire.

We stare at each other; Shel in her unzipped dress and me in my underwear.  I might as well be naked and purple for the way she looks at me.  After a moment her tense jaw goes slack and her eyes get as wide as saucers.

“What?” I whisper.

“You were with Dane,” she says slowly.  “His skin is as dark as yours.”

How could she know that?  I think back to what he was wearing when he came by.  He wore a white t-shirt; the kind guys typically wear under their clothes.  She saw his arms.  I look down and twist my fingers together.

“Emma, where were you?” she asks me again, softer this time.

My throat feels dry.  There’s not one lie I could possibly tell her that she would believe.  I give her a pleading look.  “St. Thomas.”

“With Dane?”

“Yes.  You cannot tell anyone.”

Her arms fall and she takes a step toward me.  “Not even Matt?”

“Let me ask Dane first,” I tell her and reach for my jeans.  I’m starting to shiver, although I’m not particularly cold.

She looks bewildered.  “How did this happen?  I mean I’m thrilled it did; I’m happy for you.  But why all the secrecy?  What’s going on?”

“It’s a long story,” I manage to say, buttoning my pants.  I reach for my shirt and pull it on.  “Can we discuss it when we get back?”

She nods then steps forward and wraps her arms around me, pinning mine to my sides.  I stand there immobile.

“This is awesome,” she says, but when she steps back she pouts.  “I’m not happy you lied to me though.”

“I’m sorry.  It was necessary.  Believe me.”

She regards me for a moment.  “I do.”

My phone rings and I turn to grab it out of my purse.  It’s my mom.  “Hello?”

“Are you two done yet?  I’m at the restaurant; I’m starving.”

“We’re on our way,” I tell her and hang up.  “Mom’s at the Steak and Potato.”

“Good.”  Shel rubs her belly.  “I’ll be dressed in a sec.”

She steps out of the dressing room, and I let out a heavy breath.  How more complicated can things get?  Shel knows I wasn’t in Ireland and Dane wasn’t out of town on business.  Not to mention Garrett is following us around the mall like some sort of creeper.  I’m surprised she hasn’t noticed him given her super sleuth skills.  I sigh and reach for my shoes, but stop.  I pick up my phone and text Dane instead.

When I get back I need you.

As I’m tying my laces my phone chimes.

It’s about time.

Haha.  I’m serious.  We have a problem.

What?

Shel’s on to us.

Chapter 6

“You quit your job?”

“I didn’t have a choice.”

This is news to me too, but I try to keep my face emotionless in front of Shel.  She assumes I know everything Dane is telling her.

We sit side by side as he attempts to explain our rendezvous in the Caribbean.  Shel is opposite us, perched on the edge of the chair.  My mom left about an hour ago to drive home before it got too dark.

“Teagan was pressuring you that much?”  She frowns.

“She had her father on her side.  He told me he’d fire me if I didn’t change my mind about the engagement.  I was out of a job regardless; it was easier to make a clean break.”

My eyebrows shoot up and I quickly lower them.  This Teagan sounds like a piece of work.

“I was upset about it,” Dane says and looks at me.  “I called Emma to talk.  She told me how overwhelmed she was feeling, too.”  He gives me a tiny smile.  “I suggested we go away for awhile.  To clear our heads.”

Shel leans forward.  “So you two ran away together.  That’s not a bad thing.”  She pauses.  “But why not say so?  It’s not a crime to need a vacation.”

“Do you think my parents would’ve been okay with my running off?” I ask.  “In the middle of the semester?  With a guy?  Come on.”

Shel’s expression twists.  “You know your parents love Dane.”

They do?  That would explain my mom’s lack of concern regarding his toothbrush.

“It was better if no one knew,” Dane explains.  “We wanted to be left alone.  I didn’t want to tell my dad I quit, and I didn’t want Teagan knowing where I was.  Neither of us wanted to answer a ton of questions.”  He gives Shel a pointed look.

“Fine,” she sighs and sits upright, then eyes me.  “What about your memory?  Did you really forget James or is that a lie, too?”

“No.”  I shake my head.  “I did forget.”

“Emma hit her head on the side of the pool,” Dane says.  “I was worried about her, so I brought her home.”

I look at him out of the corner of my eye.  He’s so good at lying.  Should that worry me?

“Have you seen a doctor?” Shel asks, concerned.  “Head injuries are no joke.”

“Yes,” I fib.  “On the island.  I had a CT scan and everything.”

Dane shoots me an impressed glance.

Shel’s shoulders relax.  “Well, it’s about time you two got your act together.  I’m happy for you.”  She looks at Dane.  “Are you living here now?”

He almost laughs.  “Um, no.”

“I told you things weren’t like that.”  I give her an exasperated stare.

“Whatever!”  She nearly jumps out of her seat.  “You mean to tell me you two escaped to paradise and nothing happened?  Give me a break!”

Dane gets defensive.  “She didn’t say that.”  He deliberately takes my hand.  “We’re working on it, okay?  Did we have a great time in St. Thomas?  Yes.  Does that mean it continues here in the real world?  Maybe.  Both of us are just out of serious relationships.  We don’t want to screw this up.”

Wow.  Nicely put.  I’ll have to congratulate him later.

Shel holds her hands up in surrender.  “Okay, okay.  I just want to see you guys happy, that’s all.”

“Believe me,” Dane holds my hand tight, “we want that, too.”

Shel gives us a long stare then pulls out her phone to consult the time.  “Well, I guess I’d better get going,” she says and stands.  “I have an early volunteer shift tomorrow.”

I remove my hand from Dane’s and stand with her.  She walks around the table and gives me another super tight hug.  “Promise me you’ll fill me in from now on?  I worry about you.”

I speak into her shoulder.  “I promise.”

She releases me and we head to the door.  She turns and gives Dane a small wave.  “I’ll see you around,” she says and smiles.  “Give Matt a call and tell him where you are, would you?”

He returns her smile.  “Will do.”

“Okay.”  She faces me.  “Now that you’re back, and break is coming up, we’ll have to get together.  Sound good?”

“Sounds perfect,” I say.

I usher her out and lock the door, then turn and lean against it.  “Geez,” I say to the ceiling with relief.

Dane walks toward me.  “I think it went well,” he says.  “She has no reason not to believe us.  Everything we said was the truth.”

I look at him.  “You quit your job because your fiancées father threatened you?”

“Yes.”

“You called me to talk about it?”

“Yes.”

“I told you I was overwhelmed here?”

“No.” He stops in front of me.  “You said that to your mother when you gave her the Ireland excuse.”

Oh.  Well, that makes sense.  “We really dodged a bullet today.”  I look him in the eye.  “Can you imagine if James had walked in instead of you?  What would we have done?”

He takes another step closer.  “You’re right.  We need a better system.”

“How about knocking first?” I say sarcastically and cross my arms.  “You don’t own the joint, you know.”

“I’m sorry,” he says.  “I forgot about your mom’s visit.”

“Obviously.”

“Hey, even if I had knocked you would’ve asked who it was.  I would have said my name and we still would have been caught.”

I bite my lip.  “You’re right.  Maybe you guys should call before coming over.  You never know who might be here.”

Dane frowns.  “Who else are you expecting?”

I shrug.  “I don’t know.  Maybe one day I’ll have a hot date and won’t want to be interrupted.”

Dane raises an eyebrow and gives me half a smile.  “Would you like to have a hot date?”

Here we go.  “Shut up.  You know what I mean.”

“Do I?” he asks.

It’s just now that I realize how close he’s standing.  “Why are you in my space?” I ask.  “Back up.”  I pull myself away from the door which only brings us closer.

“Now you’re in my space.”  He smiles.  “You back up.”

“Please.”  I stand my ground.  I try to change the subject from the topic of our proximity.  “Who’s on guard tonight?” I casually ask.

“Yours truly.”

Ooookay.  Is it getting warm in here or is it just me?  “Well, bodyguard, can you move?”

He tilts his head.  “Why?  Does this bother you?”

“No.  You’re in my way.”

“Then go around.”

How impossible is he being?  I huff and take two steps to the side.

Suddenly, he grabs me around the waist and lifts me off the ground.  “AH!” I yelp and lock my hands around his forearms.  “What are you doing?”

“Guarding your body,” he laughs.

“Put me down!” I kick.

He sets my feet on the floor, but doesn’t let go.  He slides his hands to my rib cage and starts to tickle me mercilessly.

“Stop!” My knees buckle as I burst into a fit of laughter.  I try to free myself by writhing beneath his hands, but it doesn’t work.  As I shrink to the floor to get out of his grip, I grab his leg just above his knee and press down hard.

“Hey!”  He reflexively steps back.  His hold loosens enough for me to slip away and I take off, putting the coffee table between us.

“Serves you right!”  I laugh and try to catch my breath.

His eyes light up as he stalks me around the table.  “I’m going to catch you.”  He grins.

“I’m so scared.”

He darts to his left, and I jump to my right.  He calculates the distance and decides to step over the table.  I leap onto the couch and throw one leg over the back, trying to get away.  Just as I’m about to swing the other leg over, he grabs my ankle.

“No!” I laugh and shake him loose.  I fling myself off the back of the furniture and the force sends my body flying.

“There’s a wall there,” he snickers as I bounce off it.

I glare at him as I rub my shoulder.

“Where are you going to go?” he challenges me.

“Away,” I say as my eyes roam the room.  Where can I go?  I make a split second decision and sprint for the bedroom.  If I can get there before him I can shut the door.

He leaps off the couch and is behind me in two strides.  He’s so close that I let out an “Eeep!” as we cross through the doorway.  LB takes one look at us, immediately jumps off the bed, and hightails it out of there.  I run to the opposite side of the room, and Dane stops with the bed between us.

“Do you give up?” I smile.  “You haven’t caught me yet.”

He grins back.  “Never.”

He steps up on the bed to come across it and at me.  I take off the way I came and he switches direction mid-mattress, leaping off and blocking my path.  Damn it!  We stare each other down.

“Looks like you’re trapped.”  He smirks.  “Any last words?”

“Before what?”  I make a face.  “I’m so winning this.”

He looks confused, but then starts to advance.  “What are you going to do?”

I raise my eyebrows and barrel straight for his mid-section, wrapping my hands around his waist and tickling him as hard as I can.

He laughs and twitches under my fingers, but that doesn’t stop him from finding my sides and torturing me again.  Pretty soon I’m reaching for whatever I think might be ticklish – under his chin, his armpits, his sides, even his knees.  We’re a hysterical tangle of arms and legs, both of us trying to gain an advantage over the other.  At some point he gets a hold of my leg and takes me out, causing me to fall on my backside with an “Ooof!”

He laughs as he stands over me.  “I think I win,” he pants.

“Not so fast!”  I wrap myself around his leg and pull.  He topples to the side with a “Whoa!” landing next to me on the floor.

Side by side we lay there laughing, both of us bitten by some sort of tickle fight bug.  I wipe the tears from my cheeks.  “That was fun,” I tell him even though my shoulder hurts from hitting the wall.

“Yeah,” he says and props himself on his elbow.  “I still claim victory though.”

“What?  How?”

He smiles.  “You fell first.”

“Whatever,” I say sarcastically.  “I thought it was the first one caught not the first one to fall.”

“In that case,” he says and swings his body up and over mine, so he’s straddling my waist.  He does it so fast that I don’t have time to react before he scoops up my wrists and pins them next to my head.  “I win.”

Oh no, he doesn’t.  My expression twists.  “You’re a terrible cheater.”

“How am I a cheater?” He leans forward to get in my face.  “I. Win.”

His cocky attitude challenges me and my heart begins to pound.  The fact that he’s sitting over me doesn’t help either.  How can I flip this?  Ah ha!  “Let go of my hands,” I say in a deadly serious tone.

I think he feels I’m offended, so he does as I ask.  I reach for his waist and slowly slide my hands over his chest, then push against his shoulders to move out from underneath him.  As I bring myself to kneel, he sits back on his heels and gives me a curious look.  I methodically wrap one hand around his neck and press the other against his chest.  I can feel his heartbeat pick up through his shirt as I move forward and hold my lips centimeters from his.  He closes his eyes.

“What!”

I throw myself at him with all my might, causing him to fall backward and to the side.  I quickly scramble up his body, throw my leg over his waist, and gather his wrists like he did mine.  He stares at me wide-eyed as I grin.  “Now that’s how you cheat.  I win.”

“You’re rotten.”  He narrows his eyes at me.  “You know I can get out of this and make you pay.”

My bravado gets the best of me.  “Please do.”

In one easy motion his lips are on mine.  I release his wrists and try to sit up, but he uses his freedom not to claim victory, but to wrap one hand around my waist and run the other into my hair.  His palm cradles my head and presses my mouth down on his.  Instinctively, my hands turn into fists, clutching his shirt beneath them.

I swear time stops.  His mouth invades mine and my mind races.  My first kiss with him was just a few days ago!  Yes, it was nice, but this is way more intense.  How will I know what to do?  Suddenly, I’m nervous and it shows.  My lips still and he pulls away.

“I thought you wanted me to make you pay,” he breathes.

I do.  I don’t want him to stop, but I don’t want to look like an idiot either.  “I didn’t know what you were charging.  This is new for me.”

His eyes grow dark and lock on mine.  “Do you trust me?”

Why do I nod yes?  It’s an involuntary motion.  I mean, he’s never given me a reason not to trust him and I have done this before, right?

He slowly catches my mouth with his and kisses me softly.  This I can handle.  After a minute or two an unfamiliar – yet welcome – feeling starts to build in my belly.  I like this.  I can’t explain why, I just do.  My pulse accelerates and one hand travels to wind my fingers in his hair while the other stays pressed against his chest.  When I feel his hands trace my spine, my body tells me he’s ready to up the ante.

He holds me tighter, and I press myself against him.  The intense kiss from earlier returns and this time I’m ready for it.  I allow him to mold my mouth with his as my confidence grows.  My insides continue to knot telling me we’re doing something right.  My body remembers things my mind cannot, and I find myself pulling my mouth from his and following his jaw until I reach his ear.  My teeth graze it – where did that come from? – and he makes a sound low in his throat.  The realization that I caused his response makes me smile.  I decide to work my way along his neck, leaving a trail of kisses to his shirt collar.  Suddenly, my skin feels electric as one of his hands slides across my waist under my clothes while the other moves to my behind.  My nerves completely evaporate.  Even though I don’t quite understand where this is coming from, I know I don’t want it to stop.  But how far am I willing to go?  How far will he let it?

My question is soon answered.  He lifts the bottom of my shirt with both hands, pulling it up and clearly wanting it off.  Immediately, I feel overheated and want that too.  I push myself to sit and help him remove it by pulling one arm out and lifting it over my head.  I lean back over him as he slides it down my other arm, but it gets hung up on my bracelet.  He gives it a good yank, pulling it off and taking the bracelet with it.

Blinding light scorches my eyes.

I slam them shut and press my forehead into his shoulder, screaming as I do.

“Emma?  Shit!  What’s wrong?” he panics.

Images flash before me.  Teagan dressed as Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz.  Dane tossing me into a swimming pool.  A crazed woman calling me a whore.  James kissing my forehead with Meg by his side.  Dane holding my hand as we sit in a golf cart.

“Emma?”  I feel my body shake and then move.  I pry open one eye to find him sitting and holding me against his chest.  “What’s going on?”

My fingers clutch at his shoulder as the pain and the images keep coming.  James telling me he loves me for the first time.  My finger swirling a pattern in the dirt.  Patrick leering above me.  Dane lifting his shirt to expose stitches.  James lying beside me and playing with my hair.

“Damn it!  Talk to me!”

A man telling me his name is Lucas.  Patrick licking my neck.  James telling me that he is my Guardian.  Dane helping me out of a flowerbed.

“Emma!”

I peel my eyes open again and attempt to speak.  “Brr….” is all I can get out.  My eyes sting and my thoughts are scattered; I can’t fill my lungs with enough air to form words.

“What?” Dane asks.   “B what?”

More pictures.  Angry James slamming a door.  Dane kissing me while he carries me up stairs.  James rolling into a wall as I kiss him.  My fingers sliding off a casket as I’m pulled away.

I lift my wrist in an attempt to explain.  It feels heavy, as if it’s tied with weights.  “Brr…..”

He understands.  Still holding me with one arm, he leans over and grabs my shirt, ripping the bracelet from the sleeve.  He grabs my arm and roughly slides the jewelry over my hand.

Instantly, the pain is gone.  My eyes clear and there is no bright light.  The images disappear.

Dane takes my face in both of his hands.  “Are you okay?” he asks, his eyes crazed.  He kisses me again to get some sort of response.

I sag against his chest and he wraps his arms around me tight.  “What just happened?”

A tear finds its way out of the corner of my eye and trails down my face.  My breathing is erratic and my throat feels swollen, but I can speak.

“I found my memories,” I whisper.

Chapter 7

From across the kitchen table, three sets of eyes stare at me.  I feel like I’m being interrogated in an old black and white detective film.

“Tell me again what you saw,” Garrett says.

I cross my arms in annoyance.  “Maybe you should take notes.”

This will be my third time rehashing what happened, and I really don’t care to.  I want to go back to my place and process my memories alone.  The physical and emotional pain I felt recalling them has left me raw.

“We need to be clear when Madeleine and Ash arrive.”  Garrett sits back in his chair.  “Maybe they can explain this.”

“Where is the all-knowing duo?” I ask sarcastically.  Man, I’m in a mood.

James notices.  “Em, we’re just trying to help.”

“I don’t need your help.”  I point to the bracelet.  “As long as I’m wearing this, I’m fine.”

Garrett tips his head.  “How did it come off again?”

My eyes dart to Dane, and he clears his throat.  He’s been fairly silent through this whole ordeal.  “I took it off,” I sigh for a third time.

“Why would you do that?”

I give Garrett a stale look.  “In case you haven’t noticed, I don’t wear jewelry.  No earrings, no necklaces, no bracelets, no rings.”  I wave my fingers at him.  “I’ve been wearing it for days; I wanted it off.”

He frowns at me.

“What?” I ask, exasperated.

“Nothing compelled you, did it?  I mean, you didn’t get a sudden urge or hear a voice or anything like that?”

What kind of urge is he referring to?  “N-no,” I stutter.  “Why?”

“I wonder if Kellan isn’t using some sort of trick.”  Garrett strokes his chin.  “He didn’t want you to have the bracelet; he knows it’s important.  What if he’s trying to get to you subliminally?”

James steps forward.  “You might be right.”

Leave it to them to jump to that conclusion!  The bracelet came off by accident.  If Garrett and James think Kellan is making a move they’ll step up patrol.  This is the last thing I need.  What can I say without revealing what happened with Dane?

I shake my head adamantly.  “I didn’t feel or hear anything.  There’s no danger.”

“Yes, but…” Garrett grimaces, unsure.

“We should take extra precautions just in case,” James says.  “These two can spend the days with you and attend your classes.  I can handle the nights.”

Oh no.  This is so not happening!  “Stop.  I’m safe.  Really.”

Garrett looks at me with concern.  “Emma, I think its best…”

“Can I talk to you for a minute?” Dane interrupts and taps Garrett’s shoulder.  “In private?”

Garrett gives Dane a puzzled look, but stands to follow him anyway.  They walk past me and out of sight.

James frowns.  “What’s that all about?”

I shrug.  “Beats me.”

He walks around the table and leans against the edge, his face filling with concern.  “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.”

“You remembered my mother calling you a whore.  You saw my funeral again.”  He looks into my eyes.  “Are you sure?”

“Honestly?” I ask.  “I haven’t had a minute to think about anything.  I’ve been here since it happened.”

He looks at my wrist then runs his finger over the amulet.  “I hate that this hurts you.  I thought it kept you safe.”

I follow his finger with my eyes.  “I still think it does.”

“By blocking your memory?”

I grumble.  “If Madeline and Ash get here this century I’ll ask.  What’s taking them so long?”

“They’re in mourning,” James says.  “Claire was Madeline’s mother.”

“Claire?” I think back to prior conversations.  She was the Larvatus that died in St. Thomas; the one who gave me the bracelet.  Now I feel bad.  Here I am acting all moody about their lack of presence when they have every right to take care of themselves first.  “That’s really sad,” I say.  “I’m sorry.  I didn’t know.”

“How could you?” he says and leans closer.  “We’ll get this straightened out.  I don’t want you in danger – from anyone or anything.”  He wraps his hand around my wrist and the leather band.  “You’re too important.”

I’m not.  At least not in my mind.  I’m just a normal girl who’s been thrown into abnormal circumstances.

“So,” Garrett and Dane return to the kitchen.  “Dane seems to think you’re not in any immediate danger.”  He raises an eyebrow at me.

I glance between the two of them cautiously.  “I agree.”

James stands.  “Why?  What makes him the expert?”

“I explained what I saw when Emma took off the charm.”  Dane crosses his arms.  “She wasn’t coerced.”

“We don’t have to take any extra precautions just yet.”  Garrett moves toward the refrigerator.  He opens the door and pulls out a two liter.  “You guys thirsty?”

James looks at me and back to Garrett again, irritated.  “No.  Why are you changing the subject?  What did you two talk about?”

“We discussed backing off and giving Emma some space,” Dane interjects.  “I know it’s something she wants.”  He hesitates.  “And something you don’t.”

I can see James’ body tense.  “You pulled him aside to gang up on me?”

“Kinda.”

James stares at Dane, his eyes boring into him.

“Is there something you want to say?” Dane asks.

“Yeah.”  James steps forward.  “I really don’t like you.”

Dane is not intimidated.  “The feeling is mutual.”

James clenches his hands into fists.  “So we’re clear?”

Dane stares him down.  “Crystal.”

The tension in the room is palpable.  My heart wants to beat out of my chest.  Are they going to fight right here?

“Guys.”  Garrett steps between them.  “Enough.  I’m handy, but not that handy.”

What?  I give Garrett a questioning look.

“Living with these two is like living with Jekyll and Hyde.  I’ve already patched two holes in the wall from flying fists.  I still have one to go.”

“Are you kidding?” I look around the room.  I see no broken drywall here.

“Living room.”  Garrett glances over his shoulder.

My expression twists.  Fighting?  Seriously?  “How old are you?” I snap.

All three of them look at me.

“You’re throwing punches?” I ask incredulously.  “Why?  What’s worth that?”

Silence.

I meet each of their stares.  James looks justified.  Dane’s hard expression softens.  Garrett looks apologetic.  I want to yell at them for their ludicrous behavior, at James and Dane for acting like children, and at Garrett for putting up with it.  “You…how…so stupid!”  I’m unable to form a sentence.  I stand, frustrated, and head for the door.

“You’re leaving?” James asks.

“What do you think?”

Dane brushes past Garrett and to my side.

“Where are you going?” I ask.

“With you,” he says, confused.  “It’s my night.”

“I thought I got to have more space.”

“Yeah, but…” Dane looks at me like I’ve lost it.  “I got you out of 24 hour supervision.  Not the regular stuff.”

“I want out of the regular stuff.”  I put my hands on my hips.  Suddenly, I feel like a mother punishing her kids.  “You’re going to act immature?  So can I.”

“Em, come on.”  James steps beside Dane.  “It was one fight.”

“Two,” Garrett coughs.

“You’re not helping,” James mutters.

I eye my two exes.  “This is because of me, right?”

More silence.

I assess the three men before me.  Garrett’s place is getting trashed because of me; James and Dane hate each other because of me.  I realize they will never be friends, but can’t they at least act civil?  My eyes flash.  “I will not be responsible for you hurting one another.  If you can’t get along for Garrett’s sake or mine, I’m taking myself out of the picture.”

“What does that mean?” Dane moves toward me.

“It means Garrett will be staying at my place.”  I glance at him and he looks surprised.  “If that’s okay.”

“Um…sure,” Garrett mumbles.

“Emma…what?” James looks confused.

“He doesn’t need to put up with your crap and neither do I.  I’m sure he’d like some peace.”

James gives Dane a sidelong glance.  “Em, we’re not going to be friends.”

Dane nods.  “What do you expect us to do?  Hold hands and sing kum-ba-yah?”

I shoot them a sardonic look.  “No.  I expect you to act like reasonable adults.”

“So, what are you saying?  We’re grounded?”

I think it over.  Some distance between us is probably long overdue.  “Yeah, basically.  From me, for a few days.”

“You’re being impossible.”  Dane crosses his arms.  “What’s the point?”

“The point,” I stare at them, “is that I want you both in my life.  If you want that too, you’ll learn to get along without violence.  I understand you don’t like each other; I’m not saying you have to.  But figure out a way to tolerate one another.  Because if one of you gets hurt or removes the other from my life,” I pause, “I’ll remove myself from yours.”

“That was kind of harsh, don’t you think?”

“Not at all,” I say defensively.  “I’d be wrecked if one of them got hurt because of me.  They need to know where I stand.”

“Fair enough,” Garrett concedes.  “You do know they won’t kill each other, right?”

“Yes,” I sigh.  Maybe that last part of my speech was a little over dramatic.  “I wouldn’t put it past them to sabotage one another, though.  Dane used you against James.”

Garrett raises his brow.  “Did you really want one of us with you 24/7?  He saved you from James’ idea.”

True.  “What did he tell you?” I ask suspiciously.

Garrett tries to hide his smile, but fails.  “He told me what happened.”

“Which was?”

“He removed the bracelet.”

Surely he didn’t tell him everything.  “It was an accident,” I explain.

Garrett winks at me.  “If you say so.”

My face flushes crimson.  “He told you?”  That’s just great!  I press my palm against my forehead.

“Don’t worry.”  He rubs my knee.  “It wasn’t a play by play.”

Thank God.  I peek at him.  “I suppose you think I’m a terrible person?”

His forehead creases.  “Why would I think that?”

I drop my hand.  “Duh.”

“You’re trying to sort out your feelings and rediscover them,” he says.  “You have to test the water.  How else will you know?”

I give him a surprised look.  “Really?  If you were trying to reconnect with a girl you loved would you be willing to share?”

He chews his bottom lip.  “I’m not sure.  Your situation isn’t…normal.”

“You’ve got that right.”  My shoulders sag.  “I’ve only kissed Dane, honest.”

He chuckles.  “You don’t have to defend yourself to me.”

We fall silent and after a few seconds, Garrett offers his hand.  I take it.  His touch is reassuring in that I know he wants nothing more from me.  He’s a friend.

“They both love you,” he says seriously.  “I don’t envy the choices any of you have to make.  And for that I’m sorry.”

I meet his eyes.  “You didn’t do anything.  The James and Dane situation is my mess.”

“You’re wrong.”  He takes an unsteady breath.  “It’s my fault.”

“How so?”

“If I hadn’t listened to Lucas, hadn’t listened to Jack…if I’d backed out of trying to be human like I was this close to doing,” he holds his thumb and forefinger slightly apart, “none of this would have happened.  James and I would still be Guardians and this disaster would never have affected you.”

“I doubt that.”  I shake my head.  “The minute James made the choice I was involved.”

“Yes, but only in an ordinary way.”

I smile, trying to make him feel better.  “Nothing about Guardians is ordinary.”

“I just…I want you to know that I’m sorry.  For involving you and letting you down.   You were my first human friend in over sixty years and I screwed it up.”

My face twists.  “Were?  Aren’t we still friends?”

“I hope so.”  He gives me half a smile.  “We weren’t before you lost your memory.  You were furious; you kicked me out.”

I did?  “You know, maybe losing my Guardian memories isn’t such a bad thing.”

He gives me a questioning look.

“It’s a fresh start,” I realize.  “I don’t want to remember fighting with you.  Or James.  Or Dane.”

He squeezes my hand.  “But wouldn’t it be easier if you could recall your past with them?”

“I used to think so.”  I grimace.  “But after what happened today I’m not so sure.”

“Why?”

“It hurt.”  I remove my hand from his and rub my temple.  “Really bad.  I don’t think I want to go through that again.”

Garrett wears a sympathetic expression.  “If you want to learn more I can help.”  He taps the bracelet. “If you take this off I can take away the pain.”

“You can?  How?”

“Like this.”  He stands.  He places his hands on either side of my head and a blast of cool air travels from my head through my toes leaving my body humming in its wake.  “What was that?” I ask wide-eyed.

“You used to call it reiki,” he says.

“You’ve done this to me before?”

“On occasion.”  He smiles.

My body tingles.  I blink as my vision appears better; I can see the tiniest detail from across the room.  I lift my hand and flex my fingers.  They feel stronger somehow; I can sense every bone and ligament.  I pause and take stock of the rest of my body.  Every muscle feels energized; I want to leap off the couch.  I can hear my blood rush through my veins with every exchange of breath.  What is this?  I’m so in tune with myself I want to look in the mirror to see if I’m glowing.  “Was it always this way?” I ask in awe.

“Why?  How do you feel?”

“Amazing.”  I stand.  “Strong.  Like I could crush concrete with my bare hands.”

He scrutinizes me.  “It relieved physical pain before.  Rid you of nightmares.  The method brings peace in whatever form necessary.”

“So, I needed strength right now?  And better vision?” I pause and tilt my head.  I swear I can hear LB scratching in the next room.  “And better hearing?”

“Hold on.”  Garrett raises his hand to silence me.  His expression turns anxious.  “Look at me and concentrate.”

“Why?”

“Just do it.”

I focus on his face.  What am I supposed to concentrate on?  He has nice eyes.  They’re almost completely changed now with just a hint of aqua blue.  His brown hair looks recently cut; did I notice before how it curls a little on top?  His nose is straight, his lips look kissable…wait!  Did I just think that?  Why?  I immediately redirect my thoughts.  He’s average height; he’s wearing a long-sleeved tee and distressed jeans...

“You want to kiss me.”

I hear his voice loud and clear, but his mouth doesn’t move.  I try to keep a shocked expression off my face, but fail.  No!  That’s not true!

“What did you hear?” he asks.

“Nothing.”  I look away.  How embarrassing is this?

His eyes light up.  “You heard my thoughts.”

“M-maybe,” I stutter.

“Emma,” he smiles.  “I was shouting.  I had to say something you’d react to; I know you don’t want me.”

I let out my trapped breath, exasperated.  “Couldn’t you just have said hello?”

He laughs.  “I wanted to have some fun.”

“You’re in an awfully good mood,” I notice.  “What happened to apologetic Garrett?”

“Don’t you see what this means?” He reaches out and grasps the tops of my arms.  What feels like an electrostatic spark zaps between us and I jump.  He steps back, still smiling.  “With training you can defend yourself.”

“Would you tell me what’s going on?” I’m starting to panic.  I still feel strong and could quite possibly crush him if wanted to.

“You’re one of them.  I’m sure of it now.”

“One of who?”

“The Larvatus.”

My mouth drops open.  “You’re wrong.”

He gets close to me again.  “You can read minds.  I’m not wrong.”

What the shit is this?  I’ve never been able to do that before!  “Why now?  It’s probably just a freak reaction to your reiki.”

“Maybe so.”  He pauses to think. “Or….”

“Or what?”

“It opened your mind to what you really are.”

Chapter 8

This new found strength is driving me mad.

I execute another perfect handstand which is something I could never do before.  I hold my body straight as an arrow and then slowly fall into a front walk over.  I back up, get my bearings, and do it again.  And again.

Garrett looks toward the ceiling for reprieve.  “Please stop.”

“I can’t,” I complain and start to pace.  It’s been two days since his “reiki” awakened this insanity inside my body.  I could barely sit still during classes today; thank God I only have two weeks left.  “I need to burn some energy.”

“Go back to the gym,” he suggests.

I consider it.  The day after my awakening – that’s what we’re calling it – I almost went stir crazy.  After getting precious little sleep due to my hyper-awareness, I went on a cleaning rampage in my apartment.  My improved eyesight lent itself to finding every speck of dust and dirt.  Garrett was impressed for awhile, but when I couldn’t stop moving he suggested I use the gym privileges included in my tuition.  Western has a recreation center full of fitness equipment that I never had the urge to try.  We spent hours there; I worked muscles I didn’t know I had.  We also discovered I could bench press 300 pounds, roughly three times my body weight, which impressed us both.

That was yesterday.  Today, all I’ve managed to do is go to class, fidget in my seat, and experiment with gymnastics in my living room.  Going to the rec center is a good idea; if anything it will keep me away from my grounded neighbors.  I can’t complain; Garrett says his place is in one piece and I haven’t seen or heard from them in a day and a half.  But, last night, when I couldn’t sleep again, I let my mind wander to my recovered memories of James and Dane.  I compared them with my new ones and realized I miss their company, overbearing as it is.  I had half a mind to spring them this morning, but I still want to prove my point.  I settled on releasing them tomorrow for good behavior before I finally dozed off.

“Let’s go.”  I nudge Garrett’s legs with my foot.  They fly off the table where he had them propped, and he catches himself against the couch.

“Hey!  Don’t break me.”

I roll my eyes.  “Wuss.”

He rights himself and rubs his calf, then stands.  “I don’t know how much I can do today.  My muscles ache more than I expected.”

I poke his belly.  “That’s because you’re turning into a soft human.”

He smiles.  “I know.”

“Let me change and we’ll go.  You can spot me.”

He nods.

We spend four hours at the gym.  I rotate through all the equipment and even lap the indoor track.  I’ve never been able to run with any kind of stamina before and the feeling is exhilarating.  Overnight, my body has turned into a finely-tuned machine; a machine that craves activity.  As we walk back to my apartment – there’s no way I’m driving with this much energy to burn – I notice the edge is taken off my need to move, but it’s not completely gone.  How will I keep this up?  Will the urge ever wane?

“I’m starving,” I tell Garrett.  “Let’s get some food.”

“The lasagna I made wasn’t enough?” he asks, surprised.  “I’ve never seen you eat so much.”

Yeah.  I kind of ate a lot before I started with the handstands.  My stomach growls.  “I must have burned through it.  Let’s get ice cream.”

“Ice cream?”  He frowns.  “It’s December.”

“So?”

“You want something cold?”

My eyes light up.  “Yes.  With hot fudge.”

We stop at a small market near our apartments.  “Do you want vanilla or chocolate or what?” I ask with my head stuck in the freezer.  I’m feeling a Neapolitan concoction myself.

“Whatever you’re having is fine,” Garrett says holding the freezer door open for me.  Under his arm he holds two cans of whip cream and the biggest jar of hot fudge I could find.  We were out of luck when it came to the maraschino cherries, but I did spy some mixed nuts when we came in that I might have to buy.

I grab a carton of each flavor and back out of the freezer.  “This should work.”

He eyes get big.  “Three gallons?  Are we having a party?”

“Did I hear party?” a perky voice asks from behind.

I turn to find Samantha with her head tilted and a fake smile plastered on her face.  I offer her a smile in return.  She looks as if she’s agitated and trying to hide it.  Hmmm.  I concentrate on her eyes.  Garrett and I discovered I can only hear thoughts when I consciously try.  Her voice slams into my brain.

“She said they weren’t dating!”

Time to fix this scenario.  “Hey!  It’s good to see you again.”

“Sure.”  Her eyes dart to Garrett and she turns flirty.  “How’ve you been?  I haven’t seen you in ages!”

“I can’t complain,” Garrett says.

“I told Garrett you were looking for him.”  I glance over my shoulder.  “Didn’t I tell you she was looking for you?”

His eyes lock on mine for an instant and I concentrate again.  His voice sounds in my mind. “Thanks a lot!”

I give him a tiny shrug.

“Er…yes,” he says to Samantha.  “Emma mentioned she ran into you the other day.”

She redirects her attention to me.  “Speaking of, where’s Dane?”  “Does he know about her other boyfriend?” her smug thoughts echo in my head.

Wow.  Really?  Can’t Garrett and I hang out without assumptions?  “He’s back at the apartment.  We invited Garrett over for dessert.”

“How nice.”  Her eyes light up.  “Can I come too?” she thinks.

That sounds like a bad idea.  Her annoying behavior may cause me to pummel her face, not to mention I would have to release Dane early from his “grounding.”  If I know her the way I think I do she’ll find a way to invite herself.  Garrett’s going to hate me for this, but…

“Do you have plans tonight?” I ask.

She beams and then looks at Garrett from beneath her lashes.  “No.”

“Perfect!” I fake enthusiasm.  “Weren’t you saying you wanted to know Garrett better?  Why don’t you two hang out at your place?  I’ll split half this ice cream with you.”

Her smile turns shy as she addresses Garrett.  “What do you say?”

I can feel his eyes drilling into the back of my head.  I risk a glance and he growls at me silently.  “You are in so much trouble.”

I know he won’t be rude to Samantha; it’s not in his genes.  He hesitates.  “Uh–sure.”

“Great!” I say.  “Let me go buy this.”  I turn to Garrett.  “Give me those.”  I hold out my tower of cartons so he can balance the whip cream and hot fudge on top.

“No; I’ll help you,” he insists.  “We’ll be right back,” he says to our neighbor.

I lead the way to the register.

“What are you doing?” Garrett whispers.  “What am I supposed to do with her?  And who’s going to watch you?”

“I’ll be fine.  Super strength, remember?”

He gives me a condescending look.

“Besides, you’ll be upstairs,” I place my items on the counter, “and you could use some time for yourself.  When’s the last time you went on a date?”

It takes him a moment to answer.  “1942.”

“See?”  The cashier rings up our sundae buffet.  “A night out is long overdue.  Who knows?  You might enjoy yourself.”

He reaches for his wallet.  “Doubtful.”

“That will be $18.51,” the cashier says as she pops her gum.

Garrett tries to hand her a twenty.  “Stop.”  I grab his wrist.  “I set you up.  My treat.”

After we gather the bags, we meet Samantha by the door.  “I drove if you’d like to ride back with me,” she volunteers.

I smile, yet study her eyes.  “You get the backseat,” she sends my way.  Shouldn’t she be grateful that I got her some time alone with Garrett?

The ride to our building in her yellow Volkswagen Beetle is short.  Surprisingly, the interior of the car is pretty big.  “There’s a lot of room back here,” I volunteer from the rear.

“Plenty,” she says suggestively.

Garrett flashes me a look and I hear “Help me” in my head.  I stifle a laugh.

Just inside our apartment entrance, I divvy up the dessert between the plastic bags.  “Have fun!” I wave as I send them on their way.  Samantha shoots me a smile as Garrett tries to mask a scowl.  “You know where to find me,” he sends into my brain.  “Feel free to create an emergency.”

I give him a small wave and turn the key in my door.  A fake emergency or otherwise is not likely to happen.  When’s the last time he kissed a girl?  He may thank me later.

I flip on a few lights and rid myself of my coat.  My stomach makes another unsettling noise, and I immediately head to the kitchen to create the most obnoxious sundae ever.  Huge scoops of chocolate and strawberry ice cream – I gave the lovebirds the vanilla – drip with fudge.  A mountain of whip cream sits on top.  Oh yeah.

When midnight rolls around I turn off the TV and glance at the door.  I kind of thought Garrett would be back by now.  I’m starting to feel guilty about what happened.  All I wanted to do was let Samantha know we weren’t together and avoid involving Dane.  I didn’t mean to subject Garrett to hours of her company.  Should I rescue him or is he having a good time?  I wish I had his number; I’d send him a quick text.

Standing, I fold his blankets and pile them neatly on the couch.  I should try to go to sleep.  It may be an hour or two before I drift off, but I do have class tomorrow.  I also get to spring my neighbors from Emma Restriction.  At first I smile, but then it fades.  I haven’t heard from them in two days.  Will they want to see me or have they reached the conclusion that I’m not worth the effort?  Either they took what I said seriously or they’re extremely pissed.  How will I feel if it’s the latter?

I push the question aside because I’ll never sleep if I ponder it.  I move around the room turning off lights, leaving one lamp on for Garrett, should he return.  As I pass by the door, I pause.  Would he really spend the night with Samantha?  It has been awhile since he’s done anything remotely romantic.  The thought unsettles me and shake it away.  He’s a grown man; he can do whatever he pleases.  He could fall in love with her if he wanted to.  For some reason the thought makes me physically shudder.  Why am I allowing his absence to nag me so much?

Minutes later, I find myself in bed with the sheets pulled to my chin and LB at my side.  I occupy my thoughts with upcoming finals and my move back home.  Eventually sleep takes me, but it’s restless.  I can’t help but keep one ear tuned for the sound of my friend’s return.

Alarms are the worst.  Even though I’m partially awake I still loathe the sound.  I slam my hand on the snooze button and rub my eyes.  LB stretches and leaps from my bed which causes me to pause.  Since Garrett’s been here she sleeps with him; I think they bonded while they were in hiding.  If she spent the night with me that can only mean…

He never came back.

I throw off the covers and spring from my bed.  Sure enough the lamp still burns and the blankets on the couch haven’t been touched.  He stayed upstairs?  This is unexpected.  I thought he didn’t want to spend time with our neighbor, let alone the night.  A few hours together were enough to change his mind?  What kind of mad seduction skills does she have?

Surprised, I make my way to the bathroom to ready myself for class.  I run the shower and confusion clouds my thoughts.  Something’s not right.  Is it possible Garrett’s hormones took over?  He doesn’t seem the type, but what do I know?  Just because he stayed with her doesn’t mean anything happened.  I almost laugh out loud.  This is Samantha we’re talking about.

By the time I’ve dressed and choked down some yogurt, I’ve made up my mind.  I need to see him.  Just to set my mind at ease.  It’s selfish, but I need to know he doesn’t blame me; that he’s not mad and he stayed out because he wanted to.  Maybe he thought my set up was to get out from under his “protection.”

I leave for class early and head upstairs to Samantha’s apartment.  Nervously, I knock on her door.  Will they be awake?  Technically Garrett has Intro to Ethics with me in a half hour not that he’s been attending class.  He could use it as an excuse to leave though, if he wanted to.

A moment later the door opens.  Samantha’s dressed and she’s toweling her hair.  “Oh, hey,” she says.  “What’s up?”

My eyes search behind her.  “I’m sorry to bother you.”  I refocus on her face.  “But is Garrett here?  We have class in, like, thirty minutes.”

Her eyes get a somewhat dreamy look to them then she snaps out of it.  She steps forward, almost through the doorway.  “Thank you for last night,” she says quietly.  “Between us girls I owe you big time.”

I concentrate on her eyes and her thoughts mirror her comments.  No sarcasm this morning.  I clear my throat uncomfortably.  “I take it things went well?”

“I got one kiss.  I had to work for it, but it was worth the effort.”  She smiles.

One kiss?  That’s all?  So what’s he still doing here?  I fake an encouraging expression.  “So, is he ready to go or…”

Samantha frowns.  “I don’t know.  He left around 11:30.”

“He’s not here?”

“No.  He said something about homework and left.  He’s not at his place?”

My pulse starts to accelerate.  He could be there, but anxiety is building in my chest.  “He must have left without me,” I mumble.  I need to get downstairs and fast.  “I should go.  Sorry to interrupt.”

“It’s okay.”  She steps back.  “I’ll see you around.”

“Yeah.”

I wait until she closes the door then break into a sprint down the stairs.  I bypass my place and pound on Garrett’s door, careful not to punch my fist entirely through.  Please be here, please be here, please be here, I silently chant.

James opens the door.  “Emma?”

“Tell me Garrett is here,” I nearly plead.

He looks confused.  “No.  I thought he was with you.”

My stomach drops to my toes.

“What’s wrong?”

“He’s gone,” I barely say.

“What do you mean he’s gone?”

“I don’t know where he is.”

James searches my face.  He can see I’m upset and his expression turns anxious.  I try to read his thoughts, but all I get is silence.  Maybe it doesn’t work when I’m worried?

He reaches out and pulls me over the threshold, closing the door.  “What happened?”

I look over and see Dane frozen, holding a bowl of cereal with a spoonful midway to his lips.  His forehead creases and I stare at him.  His voice resonates in my brain, relieved.  “She’s here.”  Then it changes, concerned.  “What’s going on?”  Apparently my mind-reader isn’t broken.

I answer both their questions.  “Garrett and I ran into Samantha last night.  I read her mind; she thought Garrett and I were together.  To set her straight I sent him with her for a few hours.  He never came back.”  The guys know about my new found abilities.  Garrett filled them in, excited that I was supposedly a Larvatus.

“He left you?” James asks, shocked.  “Why would he do that?”

Guilt is written all over my face.  “I made him.  It was only supposed to be for a little while.  I thought he should have some fun.”

“Did he want to go?”

“Not really.”  I look down.  This is all my fault.

Dane sets his bowl aside.  “Where do you think he is?”

“Hell if I know,” James responds.  “He’s not with Samantha?” he asks me.

“She said he left around 11:30.”

James crosses his arms as Dane approaches us.  I’m sure we’re all thinking the same thing, but none of us want to say it.  I meet Dane’s eyes.  “11:30?  That’s when…”

“Hey,” he addresses James.  “Isn’t that when you got that headache?”

“It was more of a hum in my brain,” he says.  “Like when I was a Guardian.”

That seals it for me.  I guess I’ll be the brave one and say what no one else will.  “Garrett’s been taken,” I state matter-of-factly.

“You don’t know that,” James says.  I think he’s trying to set my mind at ease although he doesn’t look like he believes his own words.  I try to read his thoughts again.  Nothing comes through.

“He wouldn’t just leave,” I protest.

“You’re right.”

A voice that sounds eerily like Garrett’s sounds from across the room.

All three of us turn and my heart nearly bursts with relief.  It’s Garrett, but…it’s not.  The person is his mirror image dressed in army fatigues.

“Jack?” James blinks.  “What are you doing here?”

“I’m here to help,” he says as he steps toward us.  “Kellan has Garrett.”

Chapter 9

“It was too much not to know,” Jack says, looking pensive.  “I had to go back.  I wanted to check with Lucas and find out what was happening.”

Reality has hit me square in the chest.  I know James and Garrett were once Guardians and I’ve seen others that I’ve forgotten.  But Jack is the first I’ve encountered with new eyes.  Dane sits next to me and I glance at him for the briefest of seconds.  His thoughts echo in my mind.  “Holy hell.”  You got that right.

“Were you able to speak to him?” James asks.

“Barely.  I couldn’t find him at our normal meeting locations, so I took a chance and went to Post.  While the others were at Assembly, I appeared in Quarters.”

“What?” Dane asks, puzzled.

“Post is where The Allegiant reside.  You can’t get in unless you’re summoned,” Jack hesitates.  “Usually.”

“Us rabble shy away from The Allegiant,” James says.  “The stigma is you don’t go to them, they come to you.  You don’t dare manifest in their personal space.  It’s monitored.”

“So how’d you get in?” I ask Jack.

“Garrett and I have been there before.  Lucas was our Guardian before he became Allegiant.  I’m familiar with the layout.”

“What did you find?”

His expression turns pained.  “I found Lucas.  Bound and gagged and extremely weak.  I never knew The Allegiant could be subdued; I’d thought they were omnipotent.”

James frowns.  “Well, that’s clearly not the case.  Two of them were killed.  I saw it with my own eyes.”

“I believe you.”  Jack looks grave.  “When I removed his gag, Lucas thanked the Great One that I’d returned and told me what had happened.  He wouldn’t allow me to release him; he asked me to locate Kellan, get as much information as I could, and report back instead.”  He pauses and looks at each of us.  “That’s when I found Garrett with the others.”

James gets animated.  “You saw Meg?  Thomas and Joss?  How are they?”

“Tired.  Angry.  Ready for revenge.”

Guilt weighs heavy on my heart for Garrett’s capture.  I should never have pushed him to spend time away from us.  “Is your brother okay?” I ask.

“For now,” Jack says.  “Part of him is still Guardian, but he has human needs too.  He can’t stay in the Intermediate indefinitely.  The longer he’s without food and water he’ll die.”

I close my eyes and my stomach feels like lead.  Could he have said anything worse?

“Not that I want anyone hurt,” James says, “but why hasn’t Kellan disposed of Garrett and Lucas already?  You know, pick us off one by one.”

“Lucas told me Kellan is using him to accomplish tasks that cannot be done alone, like creating more Allegiant.  Lucas knows Kellan will kill him when he’s no longer needed.”

“Wait.”  James stands.  “The Allegiant create others?  I thought the Gift was bestowed by God.”

Jack’s expression twists.  “Apparently not.”

James regards him in disbelief.  “What’s he keeping Garrett around for?”

“Bait.”  Jack grimaces.  “Kellan wants to lure you into a fight.”

Adrenaline surges in my veins.  It must register on my face because Dane wraps his hand around mine.  I meet his eyes with a questioning look.  None of us deserves to be hurt by this psycho, and I immediately begin to strategize.  We need to prepare.

“When?” I ask.

Jack shakes his head.  “I didn’t get all the details; I had to move to avoid being seen.  I do know Kellan has begun to rally his troops, and he’s forced Lucas to create at least one other Allegiant.  Lucas said he didn’t want to because the person wasn’t worthy.”

James begins to pace.  “So why didn’t you free him?  He could be helping us right now.”

“Yeah,” Dane says, perturbed.  “We’re sitting ducks.”

Jack looks him in the eye.  “That’s why I’m here.  Lucas has a plan.”

I have to stop myself from letting out a sarcastic laugh.  It doesn’t appear that Lucas’ plans have panned out so far.  I manage to prevent myself from rolling my eyes, but can’t help the smart words that slip from my lips.  “Really?  You trust this guy?  He lied to you.  He’s trapped and weak.  What makes you think his plan will work?”

Jack is surprised by my sarcasm and he shoots me an irritated glance.  I concentrate on his eyes.  “Who does she think she is?” he asks.  His eyes find my hand wrapped around Dane’s and his look turns questioning.  “What?  No more love for James?  That’ll clear the way for Meg.”  His words are condescending.

I don’t know what that’s supposed to mean, but I don’t appreciate his tone.  I pull my hand from Dane’s and lean forward.  “For your information who I think I am is a Larvatus.  I can read your thoughts and I can kick your ass, so you might want to watch your silent commentary.”

James’ eyes widen and he tries to hide a smile.  It turns into a lopsided smirk, and I wish I could hear what he’s thinking.

“Well.”  Jack raises his brow.  “Lucas wasn’t kidding when he said the game has changed.  He mentioned the Charmed.”

I cross my arms.  “And I assume we’re part of his grand plan?”  It’s amazing how quickly I’ve claimed this group as my own.  Do I truly have their power?  Will they even want me?  All I know is I have some serious energy coursing through my veins and my friend’s lives have been threatened.  Bring it on, Jack.  Tell me what you’ve got.

“Yes,” he says, annoyed.  “Lucas wants us to work with The Larvatus to free him and the others when the time is right.  With me as your spy, we can take Kellan by surprise before he acts.”  He gives me a superior look.  “Although convincing your kind to work with an Allegiant might be difficult.”

My kind?  I feel the need to defend these people I know nothing about.  “Madeline and Ash are Garrett’s friends.  If for nothing else they’ll do it for him.”

“You know that for sure?”

He’s got me there.  I’ve never met The Larvatus that I can remember.  “No,” I say stubbornly.

His expression turns smug.

“Then let’s get them here,” James says.  “The sooner the better.”

Jack stands.  “That’s my next stop.”

“You know where to go?”

“Hope Mills, North Carolina.  Garrett said I’d hardly recognize our home town.”

“We’ll be here waiting.”

“Are you sure?” Jack looks over his shoulder.  “It might be hard to contain Miss Know-It-All over there.  Maybe the three of you should talk about your roles while I’m gone.  We’re only going to get one shot at this.”

Is he insinuating I’m going to screw things up?  I jump to my feet to question him, but he vanishes before I can utter a word.

James’ eyes light up.  “You certainly got under his skin.”

I scowl.  “He should keep his snide remarks to himself.”

“You read his mind?”

I nod.

“To be fair he didn’t know he wasn’t keeping his thoughts to himself,” James says.  “What did he say?”

“He thinks my feelings for you have changed.  He said the way is clear for Meg.”

James tries to look unaffected, but he swallows nervously as Dane muffles a snicker.  This deserves an explanation.  “Care to fill me in?” I ask.

His eyes dart to Dane and I turn to see what he’s looking at.  Dane wears a self-satisfied grin.  “You heard the lady.”

“Like you have room to talk,” James says approaching us.  “Why don’t you tell her your fiancée has been blowing up your phone since Saturday?”

“Teagan?” I ask.

“Ex-fiancée,” Dane corrects James.  “At least she knows about her.  What have you told her about Meg?”

My eyes shoot back to James.  What is going on here?  I have one memory of Meg; I know what she looks like.  Other than that her name has only come up in conversation about his captured friends.  As I recall her face I don’t have any feelings of jealousy aside from the fact that she’s incredibly pretty.  What don’t I know?

James scowls at Dane then looks at me.  “We used to fight about Meg.  I told you we were friends, but you thought she wanted more.”

I eye him.  “Did she?”

He lets out a heavy sigh and runs his hand through his hair.  “Yes.  She kissed me right before you left for St. Thomas.  I didn’t have a chance to tell you, I swear.”

I stare him confused.  “You kissed Meg?”

He nods.

Why doesn’t this bother me?  I mean it bothers me a little, but not nearly as much as I’m sure it would if I had all my memories.  I turn to Dane and his thoughts ring in my ears.  “Should I bring up Rebecca?”

Who is that?  In lieu of what’s going on with Garrett, I don’t feel like finding out right now.  I tuck the information away for another time.  “What about you?” I ask Dane.  “What does your ex want?”

He stands.  “She’s worried about her dad.  He’s been missing for over a week and they’ve filed a police report.  She has a right to be upset.  It looks like Lucas won’t be coming home any time soon.”

Okay, now I’m even more confused.  “What does Lucas have to do with Teagan’s dad?”

Dane looks between James and I.  “Lucas is Teagan’s dad.”

“Are you serious?” I ask the two of them.  “Did I know this before?”

He nods.  “We found out on the island.  He tracked me down to talk about the engagement and my job.  The Allegiant followed.  It’s how we were caught.”

Its times like these I wish I had taken Garrett up on his offer to “reiki” away the pain associated with removing the bracelet.  There are so many things I don’t remember.

“So The Allegiant are partly human?” I ask in surprise.  “Lucas is leading a double life?”

“Apparently,” Dane says.  “And now his family and his business are suffering for it.  Teagan wants me to come home and help with the company.  She’s temporarily taken over for her father; she wants to give me my job back.”

I blink.  “That’s great news!  You should do it.”

He looks at me like I’m insane.  “Are you crazy?  She only wants to use me to get out of a bind.  She’s held my job over my head before; she’ll do it again.”

I cross my arms and try to talk some sense into him.  “You need a job and you loved your old one.  Teagan’s hurting; she needs your help.  You’d really leave her hanging?”

He stares at me in confusion.

“Just because you help her doesn’t mean you’ll marry her.  You were friends once, right?  She needs a shoulder.  Offer her one.”

Dane crosses his arms to match mine.  “She’ll misconstrue why I’m there.”

“Then set her straight from the get-go.  She needs help.”  Why is this so hard for him to understand?  “Are you worried you’ll fall for her again?”

His expression twists.  “No!  Never.”

“Then you should go.”

We stare at one another, and I recall Jack’s last statement about our roles.  Dane doesn’t need to be here; the chances of him getting hurt are high.

“You want me to leave?” he asks, irritated.

“No,” I tell him honestly.  “But, we don’t know what Kellan is planning, and I don’t want you hurt.  I saved your life once; I don’t want to have to do it again.  Besides, you need to live your life.  Stop worrying about me and go back to your family.  They must miss you.”

Dane scowls.  “Trust me they don’t.”

I sigh.  “That’s a lie and you know it.”

“Do I?  You know the history between my father and me.  Oh, wait, that’s right.  You don’t.  Shall I enlighten you again?”

My eyes widen in surprise.  “Are you getting sarcastic with me?  I just want you to be safe, that’s all.”  I turn to James.  “You too.  Maybe you should go into hiding together until this is over.”

James grimaces.  “I’d rather not.”  He looks at Dane.  “No offense.”

“None taken.”

Well, this is an improvement in their relationship.

“Do you think you’re invincible now?” James asks.  “You don’t think you need us?  We’re all on Kellan’s hit list.”

I take a step back from them.  “Last time I checked you’re both human.  Am I wrong?”

Silence.

“How are you going to work against Kellan and who he brings?  You told me what happened to the other Allegiant and to Claire.  They all had supernatural powers and they died!  I don’t want that to happen to either of you.”

“You’re human too,” Dane says quietly.  “What makes you think you can fight them and not get hurt?”

“My chances are infinitely better.  Garrett said with training I can defend myself.”

“How?”

I thought he told them about my increased strength and improved senses.  They know about the mind reading, maybe they have to see my strength to believe it.  I look around the room.  If Garrett were here I would promise to fix what I’m about to break.

I walk toward the wall and stop a few feet in front of it.  With a swift kick I put my foot through the drywall once, then twice.  Huge chunks of plaster fall to the floor exposing the wood studs and insulation underneath.  I turn to them with a smirk.

They look slightly stunned, but not thoroughly convinced.  “I could do that,” James says.  “Show us something else.”

I pause to think.  What’s heavy around here?  My eye catches the entrance to the kitchen and I march inside.  The refrigerator ought to do.  The guys follow me and I wrap my arms around the front of the appliance.  Bending my knees I tighten my arms and lift.  The fridge hovers about six inches off the ground.  I set it back down and turn around.

Both of them look at me approvingly.  “Not bad,” James says.  “But I think you can do better.”

I give them an incredulous stare.  “What?  I’m 5’6 and it’s awkward to hold!  It’s impossible to lift it any higher.  I didn’t even break a sweat!”

James and Dane look at each other, and Dane shrugs as if saying “Oh well, that’s all she’s got.”

I look at the floor and think about what else I can do to prove my strength.  My head snaps up.  “Follow me.”

I walk past them and out of the apartment.  I head outside the building where snow flurries dance through the air.  It’s funny how the cold doesn’t bother me anymore.  Not that it’s my favorite temperature, but I don’t have a coat on and I’m only slightly uncomfortable.  I make my way to the parking lot behind the building.

“Where are you going?” Dane asks.

“You’ll see,” I say over my shoulder.

I find Samantha’s yellow Bug and head toward it.  I stop behind the rear fender and eye the guys.  Both of them have their arms wrapped around themselves to block the winter air.  I give them a stern look.  “This is the last thing I’m doing.”

I place my hands beneath the fender, bend my knees, and lift.  Because the front wheels are on the ground and I have a good grip, I’m able to raise the rear end of the car as high as my shoulders.  I hold it there for a few minutes, feeling like Hercules, then set it down controlled and gentle.  I brush my hands together ridding them of invisible dirt.

When I look at the guys both of their mouths are open, and I can’t help but break out in a smile.  I cross my arms and lean against the car.  “Satisfied?” I ask arrogantly.

Neither of them speaks.  I meet James’ eyes and try to read his thoughts.  Again nothing.  Why can’t I hear him?  I shift my eyes to Dane.

“That was hot.”

My face flushes.  That’s not the reaction I was going for, but I’m flattered nonetheless.  I push myself off the car.  “Let’s go back inside.”

Chapter 10

Madeline wraps me in a warm hug.  “I’m sorry it took us so long to get here.”

Instantly, I feel bonded to her like we are family reunited.  When she steps back and holds me at arm’s length, Ash sets his hand on my shoulder with a small smile.  It’s as if he’s welcoming me into the fold and his touch radiates serenity.  Their presence grounds my body and takes the edge off the energy coursing through it.

Madeline immediately pulls me to her side, wrapping her arm around my shoulders and leading me further into Garrett’s living room.  “We’ll start with meditation,” she says as we sit.  “We can teach you to harness your energy, so it won’t drive you nuts.”  She smiles.

I let out a relieved sigh.  “Thanks.  I was beginning to think I would have to spend half my life in the gym or running marathons.”

She laughs and it mesmerizes me for a second.  I’ve never heard such a melodic sound come from a person.  I catch her eyes and they’re a bright emerald green like mine.  I’ve never seen anyone with the same shade; I always thought my color was a bit freakish.  Her thoughts resonate in my head.

“They’re not freaky.  They’re beautiful.”

I blink at her unspoken comment.  “You think so?”

She looks shocked.  “You heard my thoughts?”

My face turns red.  I should probably ask before I start reading random people’s minds.  “I’m sorry,” I apologize.  “I was studying your eyes and I slipped.”

She looks at Ash as he rounds the couch to sit at my other side.  He addresses Dane and James.  “How long has she been like this?”

James shrugs and looks at me.  “Two days?”

I nod.  “Garrett triggered something when he demonstrated his reiki.  At least that’s what we think happened.”

Ash gives me a confused stare.  “His what?”

“Reiki.  That’s probably not the right word for it, but he was trying to show me how he can take away pain.  He said he’s done it before to help me with headaches and nightmares.”

Ash looks at Madeline in surprise.  “Really,” he says to me while looking at her.  Are they reading each other’s thoughts?

Madeline grasps my hand.  “Why were you in pain?”

My eyes dart to Dane and back to her again.  “The bracelet came off.  This crazy light blinded me and my lost memories began to play behind my eyes.  The pictures and emotions were…a lot.”

She looks to Ash again with concern.  Inherently, I know they’re having a silent discussion about me and I try to catch her eyes.  She’s avoiding me on purpose and it’s frustrating.  I’m right here, damn it.

“First things first,” Ash says and stands.  He removes a long duster to reveal a rather ordinary long-sleeve ringer tee and jeans.  Other than his heavy boots he looks like he just stepped off campus.  His wavy brown hair falls to his chin and catches in the stubble there.  He brushes it away and I think that must get annoying.

“It does,” he smiles and answers my question.  “But Madeline likes it.”

I quickly look down.  I should have realized they could see into my mind!  It’s a good thing I wasn’t thinking anything else.

Madeline follows Ash’s lead and gets comfortable at the same time by removing her leather jacket.  When she turns to place it over the back of the couch, I see her jet black hair is braided and falls past her waist.  She wears grey leggings, a soft blue sweater, and the same type of boots as Ash.  When she’s settled she grasps my hand again, and the light catches her wrist.  Her bracelet is identical to mine.

Ash rests his elbows on his knees and looks at Jack who has been hanging near the rear of the room.  “You said The Allegiant want us to spend some quality time together.”

“Not all of them.  Just Lucas,” he clarifies.

“In order to free him and Garrett?”

“And the other Guardians being held against their will.”

Ash rubs his chin.  “How many are we talking about?”

Jack pauses to count.  “Six in total.”

Ash frowns.  “We don’t make a habit of working with The Allegiant.”

“Seeing as how you killed two of them that doesn’t surprise me.”

“Why is that exactly?” James asks our guests.  “I mean, until you showed up in the Caribbean, I had no idea you existed.”

Madeline scoffs.  “I’m sure the Larvatus lesson was left out of Guardian training on purpose.”

Ash nods, agreeing with her.  “Centuries ago, an Allegiant named Xavier defected.  He was ostracized by his brothers for voicing his progressive thoughts.  It became so unbearable he left the Intermediate to complete his existence in human form.  Our legend says he tried for years to live a normal life, but he found it impossible.  His natural curiosity and Allegiant tendencies got the better of him, so he ended up creating the first of our kind.  When his experimentation was a success the desire to prove his brothers wrong resulted in The Larvatus.  He created us to rise against them.”

Created us?  My eyes grow wide.  “How old are you?”

Ash smiles.  “Madeline and I were not created by Xavier himself; he was long gone by the time we passed.  I became a Guardian when I was 28 and a Larvatus sixty years later.  That was in the seventies, so I guess in human years I’d be about 125.”

My eyes swing to Madeline.

“I’m 118.”

My mouth falls open.  “You wear it well.”

She laughs.  “We age slowly.”

That’s a nice perk.  My thoughts turn to her mother who passed.  “But you can die?”

“We will die.  We’re mostly human with a mix of Guardian traits.”

James crosses his arms.  “How is that possible?  Did you both assign your Wards like Garrett assigned me?”

Madeline’s expression turns sympathetic.  “If Garrett had known there was another way he would never have assigned you to Emma.  He said he would have sought us out rather than hurt the two of you.”

James frowns.  “If The Allegiant know about your kind then why didn’t Lucas tell him to find you in the first place?”

“Because he didn’t know we still existed,” Ash says.  “You saw how surprised The Allegiant were when we crashed the party in St. Thomas.”  He pauses to readjust his weight on the couch.  “After Xavier created the first Larvatus he started to seek out Guardians who were unhappy and wanted another chance at a human life.  One Guardian led to another and another until they were defecting left and right.  He thought he was helping those in need and proving his point to his brothers.”

“Which was?”

“That Guardians who are denied eternity should get a second chance rather than stay miserably trapped.  He thought the best way to protect humanity was from above and below.  Maintain the Intermediate, but put some troops on the ground, so to speak.”

I can see where that would make sense.  If a Guardian is unhappy what good are they to their Ward?  If they could have another chance at life and protect people on earth…

“That doesn’t sound like a bad idea,” I say.  “Why were The Allegiant so against it?”

“They believe being Reborn is reserved for the elite.”

Madeline sighs.  “They think they’re the only ones who deserve to live again.  One of the benefits of becoming Allegiant is you get to lead a human life.  Very few Guardians get that chance.”

“Explaining the resurrection of the dead is also difficult,” Ash says.  “What would a person think if they saw their grandfather walking around town and he died ten years ago?”

Good point.

“So, I take it The Allegiant found out what Xavier was doing and got pissed,” Jack says.

“Absolutely.”  Ash stands.  “Once word got out that you could be human again there was an exodus.  Guardians were leaving the Intermediate which left Wards alone and Lost.  The Allegiant thought the more Guardians that defected the higher the potential for earthly chaos.  They didn’t bother to question if the Charmed on land were doing any good.”

“Instead of working with Xavier to find a middle ground The Allegiant attacked.”  Madeline looks Jack squarely in the eye.  “They didn’t ask questions, they didn’t hesitate.  Many of them were killed, but they still decimated The Larvatus.  When Xavier’s brothers returned to the Intermediate they made sure to let the Guardians know how vile we were and that we had paid with our lives.  They were told never to speak of us and threatened with banishment.”

“The Allegiant thought they’d erased our existence,” Ash says.  “But a few escaped.  Xavier was among them; although, he was wounded and wouldn’t live long.  He loathed his brothers for what they’d done and felt horrible guilt over the death of so many.  Rather than risk the lives of the remaining Larvatus in another battle, he made them swear to a quieter uprising.  Very slowly more Charmed were created so as not to draw attention.  To this day, we carry on as Xavier intended albeit in a more controlled manner.  We create more Larvatus when we find an unhappy soul.  We work to prevent whatever wrong we can while we’re here.  And we work against The Allegiant by rebelling against what they believe in.”

Our guests’ history leaves us silent.  Hearing these things makes me question so much, including my sanity.  Rather than ask them if I’m headed for the loony bin, I settle on a safer topic.

“Why did you agree to help Garrett?” I ask.  “Your existence is no longer secret.”

“It was never really hidden,” Ash turns to me.  “The Allegiant who attacked us were so full of themselves they never bothered to follow up on their handiwork, and we never bothered to set them straight.  The relevance of our existence has faded over the years as old Allegiant are replaced with new.  We’ve never been a threat.”

“Until now,” Jack says.

“Wait,” I interrupt.  “The Allegiant that rule today are not the same ones that have ruled for all time?”

Madeline shakes her head.  “When they grow tired of their duty they can leave it.  They create another to take their place then choose eternity or a human existence.”

“Oh,” I say like that makes sense.  Is there a handbook available so I can follow along?

In response to my thoughts, a tiny laugh leaves her.  “And, just so you know, we agreed to help Garrett because we’ve been in his shoes.  Our enemy is common.  Once we found out you were all in hiding, fearful of The Allegiant, that’s all it took.  There was no question we would help when the time came.”

“How did he find you guys?”

Ash smiles.  “By accident.  We stumbled upon each other in Hope Mills.  I noticed his eyes and read his mind.  I knew he was Reborn, but not one of us.  I was curious.”

Dane raises his hand as if he’s in a classroom.  He has yet to say anything, and I practically forgot he was here.  Ash’s attention lands on him and the others follow suit.  His voice is flat as he asks his question.  “What about Emma?”

Ash looks puzzled.  “What about her?”

“She was never a Guardian.  How is it that she’s remotely like you?”

His tone hints that he’s irritated.  My eyes lock on his to find out what’s bothering him and his thoughts echo in my mind.  He’s less than thrilled that I am associated with these people.

Madeline squeezes my hand.  “She was Gifted.”

“Excuse me?” I ask.

“My mother gifted you before she died.”  Wearing a tiny smile she runs a finger over the amulet that was once Claire’s.  “We can gift some of our abilities to humans we deem worthy.  Garrett spoke highly of you,” she lifts her gaze to meet mine, “and he wanted to keep you safe.”

He did?

“Yes,” she answers silently.  “Very much so.”

“What was she given exactly?” Dane presses.

Why is he so annoyed?  I shoot him a look.  “I’m worried” comes across loud and clear.

“Those Gifted inherit all of our traits save a few,” Ash says and turns to me.  “You know about the strength, heightened senses, and ability to read minds.  Which, by the way, you’ve mastered quite quickly.”  He looks impressed.  “What you don’t know is the enchantment over you and within the bracelet allows you to travel to the Intermediate and elsewhere if Mad and I accompany you.  Also, you’re able to kill Allegiant – with training, of course.”

Okay.  That both frightens and excites me.  “What can’t I do?”

“You cannot perform what you called reiki and you can’t manifest independently.  You cannot create Larvatus or gift your abilities to anyone else.”

I’m kind of glad I can’t gift anything.  Who wants that responsibility?

“Let me make sure I’ve got this,” I say.  “Besides the strength and the senses, I can travel to the Intermediate as long as I’m accompanied by you.  I can kill Allegiant and I can read minds.  All because of this?” I raise my wrist.

Madeline nods.  “And because of the enchantment my mother bestowed upon you.  Before she died she held your hand and said something, correct?”

“Respira,” Dane says from across the room.  “She said respira.”

I’m glad he remembers because that memory is sure blocked.

Madeline smiles, wistful.  “Of course.  Respira means ‘breathe again’.  Her intent was to pull you to the life of the Charmed and protect you should you need it.  The blast from Kellan killed you, but respira saved you from a full death.”

I blink at her.  “I’m sorry.  Can you repeat that?”

“When you were hit by Kellan you died.”  She rubs my hand.  “The enchantment brought you back.”

Um, what?

“Think of it like this,” Ash tries to explain.  “Say you jump off a cliff without a bungee cord.  You’re certain to die, right?  An enchantment is like an invisible rope that pulls you back before you hit the ground.  It pulled you to life and to The Larvatus.”

I’m stunned.  “I thought the bracelet was what protected me from Kellan.”

“It did to a degree.  The bracelet is charged with protective qualities, but nothing that equals an enchantment.  In order to Gift you, Claire had to bestow both because you’re human.”

Madeline looks at Dane.  “It’s a good thing you put the bracelet on her when you did.  She became one of us at that moment.”

“No wonder Kellan is angry with you,” James says to Dane.  “You helped create another Larvatus.”

The look on Dane’s face registers the shock that I feel inside.  I died?  Dane helped create me?  Shit just got real.

“Speaking of the amulet,” Madeline continues, “it’s a conduit.  Because you’re Gifted your abilities flow through it.  If you take the bracelet off everything leaves with it.  Does that make sense?”

I nod slowly.  “Your amulet doesn’t do the same?”

She shakes her head and releases my hand.  She removes her bracelet and nothing happens.  She slides it back on.  “Our abilities are inherent in us because we were created, not Gifted.  We wear these for added protection and to identify ourselves to others.”

“That must be why it hurt so much to remove it,” I say.  “But why is it blocking my Guardian memories?  Do you know?”

Madeline looks at Ash.  “That is something new to us.  When you mentioned it before we were confused.”

“Maybe the gifting didn’t fully take,” I say.  “Maybe my dying screwed it up.  I mean everything seems to work accept that and reading James.”

Ash frowns.  “I noticed that, too.”

“You noticed I can’t hear James?”

“No,” he says.  “I can’t hear him either.”

James looks confused.  “Does that mean something?”

Ash eyes Jack.  “How many Allegiant do you know exist?”

“Three.  Kellan and Lucas and the one Lucas was forced to create.”

“I assume that’s you?” Ash asks James.

He looks baffled.  “No.  I’m human.”

Ash holds his chin with his thumb and forefinger.  “How was your humanity returned?”

“By The Allegiant.  Right before you arrived on the island.”

“Let me guess.”  Ash takes a step forward.  “They stood side by side, each one touching the other?”

James starts to look worried.  “Yes, but Lucas was immobile on the ground.”

“Doesn’t matter,” Ash says.  “You need at least two Allegiant to create another.  Any more is just for show.”

“But I’m human,” James protests.

“So are they – when they want to be.  Have you tried to be anything else?”

“No.”

“When’s the last time you ate?”

“Yesterday.”

“Are you hungry now?”

James shakes his head.

“What about sleep?  Do you sleep?”

“Barely.”

Ash turns to me.  “The only minds we can’t hear are Allegiant.”  He looks around the room.  “I believe our enemy numbers four.”

“That’s insane!” James steps toward Ash.  “I’m no one’s enemy.  If I’m Allegiant why wouldn’t I know it?”

“Because you were never enlightened to that fact.  You want to be human therefore you remain in a human state.”

James looks at Ash in disbelief.  “That can’t be possible!”

Ash sets his feet and crosses his arms.  “Try to manifest.”

“I can’t.”

“Try,” Ash nearly growls.

James huffs.  He clenches his hands into fists at his sides and closes his eyes.

And disappears.

Chapter 11

James is Allegiant.

I didn’t see that coming.

A barrage of questions followed his reappearance.  James, Jack, Madeline, and Ash converged on one another, speculating and tossing around insinuations.  They interrogated each other in a tense way that was exhausting to watch.  After some time Dane slipped from the room and moments later I managed to do the same.  I found him leaning against the kitchen counter drinking a beer.  Without a word he held the bottle out to me, and I gladly took it.  He retrieved another from Garrett’s refrigerator and we stood side by side nursing our drinks in silence.  I didn’t bother to read his thoughts.  There was nothing to say that wasn’t blatantly clear.  How much more twisted can things get?

That was a week ago.  Looking back, I think it was my last relaxed moment.  Immediately, Madeline and Ash took up residence in my apartment and wanted to start training me to fight right away.  I had to explain that I had classes and finals to conquer, as well as a move back home to prepare for.  At first they couldn’t understand how such mundane tasks could trump learning to battle the supernatural, but we eventually set a schedule, albeit one that is killing me.

After classes and studying, we spend at least four hours a night at the rec center.  I have to admit by the time we get there I’m itching to work my muscles.  After a long day of sitting I’m giddy at the thought of punching something or flipping someone.  Ash holds nothing back when it comes to challenging me.  At the end of each session Madeline insists we meditate to calm my energy for the next day.  This is what’s wearing me out.  It’s like a rollercoaster.  The mornings start out simple and slow like the beginning of the ride.  As the day progresses my energy climbs as if I’m going up a big hill.  The workouts are the thrill of going over the top, and the meditation is the slow coast to the end of the track.  Working my mind and body relentlessly like this exhausts me.  I’ve been sleeping like a baby.

Needless to say, I don’t have much time for anything else, my neighbors included.  Not that I’m their activities coordinator, but I feel bad not spending any time with them.  I don’t feel as guilty about James because, while I’m in class, Madeline and Ash work with him to discover his Allegiant side.  Yes, this goes against everything they believe in, but they understand James is on our team.  He never intended to become an Allegiant, nor does he feel the way Kellan does.  In a way he was betrayed too, and we all know how The Larvatus feel about that.  James was turned and no one bothered to let him know.  Way to make friends guys.

Dane is another story.  He has nothing to do with his time.  Sure, he replaced the drywall I ruined in Garrett’s apartment and he has one more coat of paint to go.  But that’s all he’s done.  Watch paint dry.  He does accompany me to the gym each night so we can run the track together as a warm up; he used to run cross country in high school.  He leaves immediately afterward though, so Madeline and Ash can take over.  It doesn’t give us much time to visit, and he has to be lonely with Garrett gone and James busy.  I’ve been tempted to read his thoughts to find out if he resents his time here, but I stop myself each time we’re together.  I mean, who wants someone in their head?  I surely don’t.  I also don’t want to abuse my newfound privilege.

Tonight, as we head to the rec center, I try to think of how to tell him to go home early without making it seem like I’m pushing him away.  I only have four days left at Western before I move, so that’s four days he could have of normalcy.

“What are you thinking about?” he asks.

I give him a tiny smile.  “You.”

He smirks.  “Why?”

I stop walking and look at him.  “I feel bad.  You have to be so bored.”

He shrugs and then takes my hands, winding is fingers through mine and holding them up.  “Not right now.  This is the highlight of my day.”

I sigh.  “You need to get out of here.  Take Teagan up on her offer and get back to work.”

He looks at our hands.  “I know.”

Wait.  “You know?”

He gives me a lopsided smile.  “What do you think I’ve been doing all week?”

I stare at him confused.

“I’ve had some time to think about what you said.”

My eyes get big.  “You’re going to help her?”

He tightens his fingers around mine and pulls me closer.  “Yeah, but with conditions.  I start back on Monday.”

“That’s great!”

He looks doubtful.  “Pre-charmed Emma wouldn’t think so.”

“Well, post-charmed Emma does.  Why didn’t you tell me?”

He hesitates.  “I didn’t want it to bother you.”

I press his hands against his chest.  “I meant what I said before.  It doesn’t bother me.  It’s actually a huge relief.”

His expression falls, and I search his face.  “What’s wrong?”

One side of his mouth twitches.  “You can’t tell?”

“I’m not reading your thoughts.”

“How come?”

“Because it’s not fair.  I do it on a need to know basis.”

He smiles.  “Is that a rule you learned in Jedi training?”

“No, it’s my own rule.”  I squeeze his fingers.  “So spill.  What’s the matter?”

He sighs.  “I kinda wish it did bother you.”

Okay, I’m confused.  “You just said you didn’t want it to bother me.  Which is it?”

“It’s just…I know you’re overloaded right now, and I really don’t want it to worry you.  But on the other hand, a little jealousy would be nice.”

I give him a wry smile.  “You need an ego boost?”

“Wouldn’t you?”

I blink at him.

“Never mind.”  He takes a step back.

“No, tell me.”  I hold on to his hands.

He groans.  “Can you read my mind?  It’d be easier.”

I tilt my head.  “Please tell me.”

He takes a heavy breath.  “It’s hard not to feel insecure.  You have these amazing abilities and so does James.  It’s only going to bring you two closer and I’m…I’m just me.  I’ll never be anything else.”

The possibility of Dane feeling inadequate has never crossed my mind.  I hate that he feels that way and concern clouds my features.  I take a step closer as he continues.

“It would be nice if you were jealous of Teagan because it would mean you have feelings for me, that they’re growing.”  He looks at our hands again.  “I know it sounds messed up.”

“It doesn’t.”  What can I say to put his mind at ease?  I do care about him, but are my feelings growing?  Unfortunately, they haven’t had a chance.  The two of us have barely spent any time together.

“Listen,” I say and his hazel eyes meet mine.  “First of all, I would never put the words Dane and insecure in the same sentence.  You’re far from it.”

He gives me a stale look.

“Second, so what you don’t have crazy weird abilities.  James and I are freaks!  Have you considered that I need you to be normal?  For my own sanity?”

He cocks an eyebrow.  “The yin to your yang so to speak?”

“Maybe so.”  I smile then pause, thinking of how to word this.  “I have feelings for you; honestly, I do.  But, you’re right.  They haven’t grown and that’s not your fault or mine.  We just haven’t had any time to get to know each other like we once did.”

He looks down.

“Here’s what I propose.”  I step back.  “The semester ends in two days; we’ll be home in four.  I’ll have all kinds of time between training and interning at the clinic.  You sir,” I poke him in the chest, “are going to have to take me out on some real dates.”

He gives me a sly glance.  “I’m going to hold you to that.”

“I want you to,” I say emphatically.

He smiles and drops one of my hands.  He raises the other to his lips, plants a quick kiss on the back, and pulls me in the direction of the rec center.

“Do you feel better now?” I ask as we walk.

He nods.

“Good.  I don’t like it when you’re unhappy.  Your face is too pretty to be sad.”

He abruptly stops and I end up yanking his arm.  “What?”

“You’re killing me Grace.”

“Grace?” My forehead pinches.

“It’s my nickname for you,” he says and resumes walking.  “You had a rather ungraceful fall at Matt’s last Fourth of July.”

I remember.  “I fell in the flowerbed.”

He gives me a dazed look.  “How…?”

“It was one of the memories that came back when you…you know…”  My ears feel hot.  We haven’t discussed the whole bracelet-getting-caught-in-my-shirt thing.

He tries not to grin by biting his lip.

“Stop,” I tell him.  “I’m embarrassed enough as it is.”

“What’s there to be embarrassed about?” he asks.  “I’m glad it happened.  I’d like it to happen again.”

My heart flips.  I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t replayed that night a million times.  “You mean my screaming and crying into your shoulder wasn’t a turn off?”  Please.  He should be heading for the hills.

He shakes his head.  “Ah, no.”

Regardless, safe and slow is probably our best course of action.  “Even so, we should set some dating ground rules.  Like leaving any and all clothing on.”

“Awww.”  He frowns.  “You’re no fun.”

I laugh and look up to see we’ve arrived at our destination.  I reach out to open the door.  “Ready to get your butt kicked?”

“As always.  You think you could take it easy on me for once?  Allow me a few shreds of manly dignity on the track?”

I scoff.  “Not in this lifetime.”  We walk through the door and I dig through my bag for my student ID.  “And don’t worry.  You’re always manly.”  Yeah, I’ve noticed.  He’s the whole package.  Only a blind woman could miss his tousled hair, toned body, and smoldering eyes.

I sign the two of us in then turn to see if he’s following me to the locker rooms.  He’s wearing that all-knowing smirk of his.

“What now?” I ask, exasperated.

He steps to my side.  “You just told me I’m pretty and manly in a matter of minutes.”

“And?”

He winks.  “I’m glad you think so.”

After our warm up, Dane delivers me to a room the gym typically uses for classes like yoga and Pilates.  Madeline and Ash are already there and, to my surprise, so is James.  I take in Dane’s grumpy expression.  “Really?” I ask.

He looks startled.  “I thought you said you weren’t reading minds.”

“I don’t have to.  It’s written all over your face.”

He shakes his head.  “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

I carefully punch him in the arm.  “Same time, same place.”

He gives me half a smile and walks away.

Entering the room, I drop my bag on the floor and greet my trainers.  “Hey guys.”

Madeline turns and greets me with a warm smile.  “Ready for something new?”

“No meditation?” I half-heartedly joke as I walk toward her.  I know it’s supposed to calm me, but it feels like I’m coming down off a sugar high.

“No.  Ash thinks you and James are ready to practice with one another.”

My eyebrows shoot up.  Cool.

“Jack will be back tonight,” Ash says.  “We have no idea when the ideal time will be to advance.  We need to get in as much training as possible.”

He’s right.  We have a schedule established with Jack, so we know when to expect him with information from his covert ops.  So far Kellan has only forced Lucas to create one other Allegiant, but he’s been selectively choosing Guardians and bringing them in on what’s going on.  Our guess is that they will soon be Allegiant too, and Kellan will make his move.

James smiles and taunts me at the same time.  “You ready for a little action?”

He’s digging this training just as much as I am.  I smirk and take a defensive stance.  “Bring it.”

“Hold on.”  Ash steps between us.  “While your fighting styles are similar there is one important difference.”

I stand up straight to listen.

“Physically you’re closely matched.  But watch this.”  He gestures toward James.

James gives him a curt nod and raises his arm in front of him.  He holds his hand toward the wall, and a faint ray of light emanates from his palm.  A water bottle sitting on the floor explodes, and I jump.  How could I forget about the light beam of death?

“I thought you said we were physically matched!” I turn on Ash.  “How am I supposed to work around that?”

He walks over and pats my shoulder.  “I said you were closely matched, not evenly.  And you guessed how.  You work around it.”

I shoot him a confused look.

“Bob and weave,” Madeline says.

Bob and weave?  Are these two insane?

“No,” Ash says, reading my mind.  “This is why we practice.”

My expression twists.

“Just be lucky your minds are off limits to each other,” Madeline says.  “The Allegiant can do some nasty things to human and Guardian minds alike.”

“Such as?”

James comes closer to us and there’s pain behind his eyes.  “I can hear thoughts and capture memories by touch.  I can force people to speak the truth.  And then there’s Erasure,” he says.

I’m familiar with the term.  It’s what Garrett thought happened to me when we learned of my faulty memory.  But why does he look sad?  “That didn’t happen to me,” I try to appease him.

“But Projection did.”

“Projection?”

“The Allegiant can force images and feelings into the mind,” Ash says.

“When you were found on the island, The Allegiant used you to find me,” James says.  “They needed me to track Garrett through our residual Guardian bond.  In order to pull me to you they caused you pain which I felt.  One of them projected images into your mind; he showed you something horrible.  I never got the chance to ask you what it was.  You don’t remember, do you?”

I shake my head no.

“They did the same to me to break down my defenses and track Garrett through our bond.  It was terrible.  I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.  I hate that I have the ability.”

I frown.  “What did they show you?”

His eyes dart to Madeline and Ash.  “I’d rather not say.”

It’s obvious he doesn’t want to tell me in front of present company.  I’ll have to ask later.  “So can you do anything that you like?”

He shrugs.  “I can do that reiki thing, and what I just showed you is pretty cool.  Whatever I want to happen occurs through the beam.  If I want to immobilize you or cut off your senses or – ”

“Kill me?”  It’s what Kellan tried to do after all.

James looks horrified.  “I would never…”

I smile and grab his arm.  “I’m kidding!  Lighten up.  I know you’ll use your talents for good.”

He gives me a wary look.  “This isn’t fun and games.”

I sigh.  “That was a poor attempt at humor.  I’m sorry.”

He gives me a weak smile.

Ash interrupts.  “Let’s get down to business, shall we?”  He turns to Madeline and extends his hand.  She places a weapon in his palm.  It’s a dagger.

“This,” he holds it up, “is your answer to his defenses.”

I examine it.  It looks like the handle and the blade are one piece and crudely cut from stone.  “Is that made out of rock?”

He nods.  “We call it an anlace.”

As I look closer I can see an almost invisible outline of the amulet I wear on the blade.  “How does it work?”

“It’s made of the earth and enchanted with the elements.  When an Allegiant is struck it calls forth their human side and dispatches them.”

Suddenly, I have some serious reservations about today’s practice.  I glance between James and Ash with a feeling of uncertainty.  “I’m not sure I’m comfortable with this.”

Ash hands the anlace back to Mad, and she replaces the dagger with another.  “That’s why you’re practicing with this one,” he says.  “It’s not enchanted.  You’d feel awful if you killed him.”  He gives me a wry smile.  “And I don’t want you hurting yourself either.”

I let out a heavy breath.  “That can hurt me?”

“What it does to an Allegiant it does to us,” Madeline says sadly.  “Don’t lose control of it.”

I focus on her face.  Her thoughts reveal her mother’s death and my heart aches.

Ash holds out the anlace, and I tentatively take it.  It feels oddly perfect in my hand seeing as how I’ve never held anything remotely this dangerous aside from a kitchen knife.  “Now what?”

Ash motions for James and I to back away from each other.  He grabs his own weapon and runs through a few moves with me; although, right now we’ll mainly focus on my dodging James’ light beam.

“I want you to get the feel for moving with something in your hand,” Ash says.  “Up until now you’ve just used your body which isn’t enough against a real Allegiant.”

“Hey,” James speaks up.  “I am a real Allegiant.”

Ash gives him a blank look.  “I meant one that’s trying to kill her.”  He backs away from us.  “Look at me when you can,” he addresses me.  “I’ll give you direction through my thoughts.  That way James won’t know what to expect.”

Yikes.  Am I ready for this?  My body wants to jump into action, but my mind is playing tricks on me.  Can I attack someone I used to love?

“Okay.”  He nods toward James.  “Come at her.”

Turns out I have no problem attacking my old boyfriend.  I admit to holding back at first, but when it became obvious that James wasn’t, my pride took over; I wasn’t about to be bested.  We relentlessly went at each other.  James would try to immobilize me which, unfortunately, happened a few times.  I’m proud to say he never took control of the anlace though, and he was trying in earnest.   We’d dance around one another, dodging each other’s defenses, until one of us worked ourselves close enough for physical contact.  We’d roll, wrestle, and flip the other until one of us was pinned.  Then we’d separate and do it again.  I didn’t rely on Ash’s thoughts after the first few rounds which was a small victory for me.  He and Madeline were extremely pleased with how the night went.  Maybe this lifestyle is my true calling.

As we walk home, out of nowhere, James shoves my shoulder and I nearly fall.  “Hey!”  When I regain my balance, I ram his side.  He stumbles and I laugh.  “Didn’t you get enough earlier?”

He smiles.  “Tonight was the most fun I’ve had in months.”

I nod in agreement.  “It was cool to actually fight.  Training with Ash and Madeline is very stop and go.  This was a full on battle.”

He glances forward.  The Larvatus are way ahead of us, already at the next street corner.  He threads his fingers through mine as we continue walking.

“Are you ready to manifest tomorrow?” he asks.

“Yes!  Practicing teleportation?  Are you kidding me?”  Ash promised we would work on that next.

James laughs.  “You’re a natural at this.”

I shrug.  “I think it’s more the bracelet than me, but I am enjoying it.”

We’re silent for a few seconds, our joined hands swinging back and forth between us.  “What will you be working on tomorrow?” I ask.

“Finding a place to live.  While you’re in class the three of us will be snooping around our hometown for a place to stay.”

Talk about being self-absorbed!  I never gave a second thought to what James and The Larvatus would do when I moved this weekend.  I guess I figured they stay at Garrett’s place since they can all manifest wherever they want.  “Why not stay here?”

He shoots me a look that says ‘Don’t be stupid.’  “Like we’d be far from you and Dane.  We need to stick together.”

He squeezes my hand, and I get the feeling this is about more than that.  “Strictly a business move then?”

He’s silent for a few seconds, a tiny smile dancing across his lips.

“Something funny?”

He stops walking.  “I never…who knew we would share this?  It’s…”

“Freaking awesome?” I finish.

“Yeah.”  He grins.

We don’t move and the longer he stares at me, I find myself getting lost in his handsome face.  His eyes are so blue.  “You have amazing eyes,” I say quietly.

His expression softens.  “I could say the same about yours.”

Instantly, I pout.  “You could?  Does that mean you won’t?”

He lets out a small laugh.  “No.”  He raises his hand and slowly trails his fingers down my cheek.  “All of you is beautiful.  Even these,” he traces my lips with his thumb, “when they’re not being sarcastic.”

I narrow my eyes to calm my pounding heart.  “They’d have nothing to do without sarcasm.”

He leans into me.  “I could occupy their time.”

His mouth feels soft and gentle on mine; his kiss is much less demanding than Dane’s.  It’s nice, but it feels like he’s holding back; probably because he thinks I’m going to shove him away.  Instead, I reach out, find his waist, and pull myself against him.

Shocked, he steps back.  “You’re okay with this?”

Apparently so.  I should probably wonder what that means about my sanity.  I scrunch up my face.  “You’re right.  We’re supposed to be mortal enemies.”

He quickly moves to me again.  “Forget what I said.”

“Nope.  You’ve done it now.  The mood is ruined.”  I turn and walk away.

He groans and draws out my name.  “Emmmma!  Come back.”

I shake my head and smile over my shoulder as I pick up the pace.  He smirks and, before I know it, it’s an all-out chase.  It’s a good thing it’s nearly midnight and there aren’t many people out.  James and I blow past a few pedestrians on the sidewalk and even race past Madeline and Ash.

“So much for being inconspicuous,” I hear Ash chastise as we run past.

Adrenaline pumping, I make it to my building first and fumble with my keys.  Damn it!  If I could manifest alone I could poof myself somewhere.  Within seconds, James runs up behind me just as I turn the key in the lock.  I push my way inside leaving the front door open and race to my apartment only to be stopped again.  Ugh!  Again with the keys!  He wraps his arms around me from behind and sets his chin in the crook of my neck.

“Your resistance is futile.”

Whatever.  I move against him.  “I can totally toss you and you know it.”  I manage to turn my key and kick the door open with my foot.  It leaves a dent.  Whoops.  I end up pulling him inside with me as I break out of his arms.  I spin around and drop my bag with a wide smile.  “Now what?”

He closes the door and looks at me.  I recognize that expression.  He slowly steps forward and I place my hand against his chest to stop him from moving further.  His heart is beating like crazy.  Just like mine.

“I want a do over,” he says.

The way he looks at me makes my insides melt even though my conscience has awakened.  “Do you think that’s wise?”

He doesn’t hesitate.  “Yes.”

I’m at a loss for words.

He stares at me for a few brief seconds then moves to hold my face in his hands.  He lowers his lips to mine and moves against me, firmly this time.  I lose myself; the hand I had pressed to his chest slides around his neck while the other curls around his wrist.  We pull each other closer; when our bodies meet that now-familiar anticipation starts to build in my belly.  This feeling should be illegal.  It causes all rational thought to leave my mind.  How is it possible that two people can make me feel this way?  That has to be wrong!

James releases my face and his hands travel over my shoulders and along the sides of my body as we consume one another in the matter of what feels like a minute.  Things have escalated into some sort of frenzy similar to our fighting, but instead of dodging one another we can’t get close enough.  He winds his arms around my waist, pressing me hard against him.  His mouth leaves mine and appears under my ear, then travels down my throat.

My cell screams from the floor, startling us.  Hello reality!  I freeze but James doesn’t.  “Ignore it,” he says against my neck.

“I can’t.”  I try to lean away.  “Who would call this late?”

He lets out a heavy sigh and rests his forehead on my shoulder.  A second later he moves back, keeping one arm around my waist.  I take the few steps toward my bag and remove my phone from the front pocket.  I see it’s my home number and my heart instantly stops beating.

“Hello?” I try not to sound panicked.

“Emma?” my mother asks.  “Where are you?” She sounds flustered.

“At my place.  Where else would I be?”

“I mean are you sitting down?”

Instantly, I drop to the floor.  James follows and kneels beside me.  “I am now.”

“Em, your father and I are coming to get you.  When are you finished with your last exam?”

“Thursday around eleven.  Why are you coming early?  You’re freaking me out.”

I hear her take a deep breath.  “The police just left the house.  Patrick escaped.  They can’t find him.”

Chapter 12

Patrick disappeared this morning during a routine transfer to a less crowded facility.  I thought that stuff only happened in the movies.

The police stated they were doing everything in their power to find him and in the meantime we needed to stay alert and call immediately if he surfaced.  I managed to calm my mother by reassuring her that I’d seen no sign of him and that Dane was still here.  She was further appeased when I offered no resistance to moving home a few days early.  The only reason I was staying until Saturday was to give myself ample time to pack.  I desperately wanted to tell her I can defend myself, not to mention I have some kick ass friends with supernatural powers.  Instead, I had to settle for repeating that I wasn’t scared and begging her not to worry.  God help Patrick if he decides to mess with me now.

James went next door to inform Dane, and I filled The Larvatus in when they returned.  The boxes I had been sporadically collecting for the move immediately appeared after that, and they all insisted on helping me gather my things.  LB wandered around confused by the commotion until Madeline found a paper bag for her to play hide-n-seek in.

James angrily chucks my DVDs into a box.  “I can’t believe that asshole vanished.”

“It’s okay,” I reply to try to calm him.  Although, I know I’d feel a million times different if I could remember my attack.  “I’m much stronger than I used to be.  If he decides to show up I can take him.”  Actually, I would relish the opportunity.

He pauses from boxing my movies to smirk.  “I would love to see that.”

“Me, too,” Dane agrees from across the room.

They make me smile.  “Should I charge admission?”

“I’d pay to watch,” Dane says.  “I bet Matt and Shel and your family would, too.”

I laugh.  Maybe after this Allegiant crisis is over I should become a wrestler.

Movement in the center of the room catches my eye, and I turn to see Jack materialize.  “Hey there,” I greet him.  It’s funny how his manifesting doesn’t faze me.  I briefly wonder what it will feel like when I get to do it.  “Ash!” I call toward the kitchen. “Jack is here.”

Ash appears around the corner with Madeline right behind him.  “Any news?”

Jack nods then looks confused.  “What’s with all the packing?”

“I’m moving earlier than expected,” I explain.  “Sayonara Western and hello home in two days.”

He frowns.  “Did anyone think to inform me?  Unlike most people here I can’t read minds.”

I look around.  No one mentioned the move to Jack?  “Sorry,” I apologize.  “Will you need my address?”

“A general location will suffice.”  He crosses his arms.

James interjects to tell Jack where we’re from and I sense Dane move to stand behind me.  Over my shoulder he whispers, “How was practice?”

I look at him and whisper back.  “Good.”

“Did things get physical?”

I make a face.  “Well, yeah.  Why?”

“I didn’t know making out was a defense tactic.”

My eyes get wide.  “Excuse me?”

He smirks and steps back, innocently rubbing the side of his neck with two fingers.  Instantly my hand flies up to cover the same spot on my own.  Shit!  What does he see?

“We plan to look for a place of our own near Emma,” I hear Ash tell Jack, “in order to continue training.  Can you visit us tomorrow to learn the location?”

“Actually, some time among the living has become necessary.  Turns out I’m a wanted man.”

We all shoot Jack questioning looks and he grimaces.  “Kellan read Garrett’s mind; he knows I’ve visited.  The good people of the Intermediate have been asked to keep an eye out for me.”

James shifts his weight.  “Then we can guarantee he’s read Lucas’ mind as well.”

Jack nods.  “I went to check on Garrett first.  He stopped me before I said anything; he told me not to speak and simply said his thoughts weren’t safe.”

“And Lucas?”

“I avoided him entirely.”

All eyes dart to Ash for guidance.

“It’s too bad we won’t be able to get more information from them,” he says.  “I’d hoped we would have a little more time.  What did you learn otherwise?”

“They’ve created another Allegiant,” Jack says.  “Their number sits at four.”

Concern flashes across James’ face.  “That evens us.  We should act.”

The thought of the big showdown happening so soon causes my breath to hitch.  Am I ready for this?

“No.”  Ash purses his lips in thought.  “We have three Larvatus, an Allegiant, and a Guardian on our side, not to mention countless other friends if I ask them.”  He gives James a reassuring glance.  “We have time.  I’m not going in unless I’m one hundred percent sure we’re all coming out.  You and Emma need as much practice as possible.”  He turns to Jack.  “You’ll continue to visit the Intermediate sporadically, yes?”

Jack looks offended.  “Of course.”

I let out a slow breath.  I’m glad to hear Ash has our best interests at heart even though I never assumed any different.

“Then we will continue as planned.”  Ash takes a step back.  “Now, I have a kitchen to pack.  Care to help?”

Jack makes a face, but follows Ash just the same.

“I’ll start on the bathroom,” Madeline volunteers.

“No,” I stop her.  “I’ve got it.”  Now that we’ve been debriefed, I need a mirror.  If I really wear evidence of James’ kiss I need to do something about it.

As I make the short walk to the bathroom I pass Dane.  “Where you headed?” he asks with fake innocence.

I shoot him a look.  “To pee.”  I refuse to let him rile me any further as I’m sure a self-inflicted trip to Guilty Town is imminent.

I shut the door and examine my reflection.  There’s a small red splotch on the side of my neck, but nothing close to a hickey.  This tiny thing drew Dane’s attention?  Does he inspect me with a microscope?  I can’t think of one person that would see this and assume I’d made out with someone!  Nevertheless, I take my ponytail down and bring my hair over my shoulders to hide it.  Now I’m self-conscious.

I use the facilities then leave to get a box to pack my stuff.  Dane catches me before I can make a hasty retreat.  “Find everything all right?”

“Barely,” I say, annoyed.

He laughs at our private joke, but the humor doesn’t reach his eyes.  “I like your hair.  Why’d you change it?”

“I was getting a headache.”

“From having it up?”

“No, from you.”

He chuckles.

“Have you finished interrogating me?  Can I go pack now?”

“Sure.”  He smiles.

As I walk away I try to figure him out.  Is he trying to get under my skin to make me feel bad?  Because it’s working.  As I enter the bathroom, I toss the box on the counter and sigh.  A restless night of thinking lies ahead of me.  Guaranteed.

I have no regrets when it comes to my decision to leave campus.  It’s crazy to admit, but even simple things, like breathing, feel easier at home.  I’m sure the end of the semester has a lot to do with how I feel, but I’ve noticed LB seems happier, too.  True, my parents dote on her, but I’m sure she appreciates the laid back atmosphere.  Compared to the string of guests constantly parading through our personal space at Western, I do too.  My mind works better with occasional silence.

I smooth my sweater over my waistline and consult the mirror quickly.  When I arrived home, and was confronted by a fully decorated tree and stockings hanging from the mantle, it hit me that Christmas is less than ten days away.  I’ve done absolutely no shopping!  Now that I’ve had time to think about buying gifts, today is the day to get it done.  As I ready myself to head downstairs my cell vibrates against the dresser.

Busy?

It’s James.  Madeline and Ash bought him a phone in an effort to keep us connected since we can’t simply walk next door and talk anymore.  They didn’t like the idea of him manifesting in my house, so they thought this was a better option.

Yep.  Going shopping.

Seconds pass.  For what?

Christmas.

I can’t wait to see what you get me.

Aw, crap.  Is he joking?  Should I get him something?  I was only planning on buying for my parents, my brother Mike, and his girlfriend Kate.

Are we celebrating???  I send back.  I hope he says no.  I have no idea what to get him.

Instead of texting back, my phone rings.  “Hello?”

“Believe it or not, I could sense the panic in your message,” James laughs.  “I was kidding.  You don’t have to buy me anything.”

I don’t want to sound relieved, but I do.  “Okay good.  I’m already running low on time to find gifts for my family as it is.”

“Maybe next year we could do Secret Santa,” he muses.

I smile.  “Is there something you needed?”

“The mats arrived today and Ash is installing them now.  Practice is on for tonight.  What time can you be here?”

Yes!  With my move and The Larvatus needing a place to stay, we haven’t been able to train for four days.  My energy levels are crazy.  I’ve been trying to meditate like Madeline taught me, but it’s much easier when I’m with her.

“How does six sound? I should be back by then.”

“Great.  You should see the basement.  It’s even cooler than the rec center.”

Madeline and Ash found a house to rent about fifteen minutes away from mine on a large piece of secluded property.  It’s on a private lake and sports roughly 6,000 square feet.  It came furnished, but without a ready-made training facility; so it’s taken a few days for The Larvatus to pull together a home gym.  James loves it there; he’s staying with them in what the realtor called the “guest apartment.”  He has his own separate entrance and everything.  I suppose there’s nothing like living in luxury if you’re forced to stay away from your real home.

“I can’t wait,” I tell him and I mean it.  Not only will I be able to work out, but I get see their place and all of them instead of merely talking on the phone.

“You still have the address right?” he asks.

“Yes.  Let me get going, so I can be there on time.”

“All right.  See you later.”

“Later.”  I hang up.  It’s hard to keep myself from skipping down the stairs.

“Where are you headed?” my father asks as I make a beeline for the back door.

“To the mall,” I say as I shrug on my coat.

“Alone?” he asks, worried.

I try not to sigh.  This has been the only point of contention since I returned to live under his roof.  With Patrick still missing, my parents are hesitant to let me out of their sight, let alone go anywhere by myself.

“Yes.”  I give him a stern, yet please-let-me-do-this, look.  “I have to Christmas shop and I can’t have you or mom spying.”

“Call up Kate and see if she’s busy,” he suggests.

“Dad,” I say matter-of-factly.  “I’m buying for her, too.  That won’t work.”

A knock on the door interrupts us, and we look at each other confused.

“Stay put,” he says and leaves the kitchen to answer it.  Knowing him, I’m sure he suspects our visitor might be Patrick – like he’d be one to knock.

I finish zipping my coat and follow him with my eyes as he makes it to the door and pulls it open.  “Well hello there!” he greets our guest.

“Hey, Mr. Donohue.  Is Emma around?”  It’s Dane.

“She sure is.  Come on in, come on in.”  He steps out of the way.

Dane catches my eye from the door as he stomps the snow from his shoes and gives me that damn perfect grin of his.  I can’t help it and give him a genuine smile in return.  I haven’t physically seen him since the move either.  We’ve spoken on the phone, but I think we needed a few days apart, if only for the feeling of being out of each other’s hair for a minute.

“What are you doing here?” I ask as I walk up to meet him.

“Bringing you this.”  He presents a silvery-gray glittered envelope.  It’s addressed to me in fancy calligraphy.

“Impressive.”  I lift my eyebrows.  “What is it?”

“Open it and find out.”  He hands it over.

I take it, curious, and turn it around.  I gently tear the flap, so as not to annihilate its prettiness.

“Today,” Dane says impatiently.

I shoot him a look and pull out the heavy card stock to read an elaborate invitation to the annual Bay Woods employee holiday party.

“On New Year’s Eve?” I ask.

He nods.  “Normally, my dad and Lily have it on Christmas Eve, but this year they wanted to change it up, so people wouldn’t be in such a rush to get home.”

A huge grin breaks out on my face.  “It’s a masquerade ball.”  That sounds like so much fun.

“I know.”  He smiles.  “Normally I dread these things, but this will be the first year I’ll have someone there I want to see.”  He steps closer then realizes my dad is still standing behind him.  He clears his throat.  “Anyway, Shel’s getting an invite too, so I figure she’ll bring Matt and we can all celebrate the New Year together.”

He stares at me and widens his eyes.  We recently discussed this would be his signal to give me permission to read his mind.  We got tangled in a conversation the other night about his purpose in pointing out I’d kissed James.  I told him I felt he was trying to make me feel bad, and he was adamant that if I had just read his thoughts I would have known that wasn’t his intent.

I concentrate on his eyes and hear “Your dad makes me nervous.”  I stifle a laugh.  Then I hear “I want to see you dressed up in a really bad way.  Wear something tight please.”

I have to resist the urge to keep my mouth shut.

“Well, that’s awfully nice of your parents,” my father comments as he rounds us and peers over my shoulder to read the invite.  I hold it out for him.  “Is the party this big every year?”

“It is,” Dane responds.  “It’s a bit ostentatious if you ask me.”

My dad smiles.  “I don’t think so.  It sounds like they care about their staff.”  He looks at me.  “I take it you’ll be needing a dress of some sort?”  He reaches for his wallet.  “Since you’re headed to the mall maybe Dane can go with you and help pick something out.”

I eye him suspiciously.  Way to work my shopping trip into the conversation so I don’t have to go alone!  “No, Dad, I’m sure Dane has other things to do.  Besides, I have my own money; put yours away.”  Little does he know I have around thirty grand, thanks to Lucas.

“Actually,” Dane says, “I had nothing planned today other than the delivery of your invitation.”  He smiles.  “I’ll go with you if you want me to.”

Again with the eyes.  “Spend time with me.”

My heart does a somersault.  “Okay,” I concede to both of them, but warn Dane.  “I’m going Christmas shopping.  It’s going to be tedious and boring.”

“Anything is better than sitting home watching the Lions lose.  Did you see the game last week?” he asks my dad.  “Terrible!”

My father groans.  “No one can snag defeat from the jaws of victory like Detroit.  They led the whole damn game to give it away in the last quarter!”

I walk toward the door as Dane and my dad follow.  The sad state of our football team has been irritating my father since he was my age.

“Our last season was so much better,” he continues to rant.  “I should have known not to get my hopes up.”

Dane laughs.  “I hear you.”

We step outside and say goodbye.  I stop on the step and look at my dad before he shuts the door.  He winks at me, clearly pleased I’m not leaving the house unattended.  When I turn around I see Dane walking toward a car I don’t recognize.  “What happened to the Camaro?”

“She’s seasonal,” he says over his shoulder.  “Now that I’m home I put her in storage.”  He reaches for the door handle.  “This is my winter car.”

I step to his side and appraise his “winter car.”  It’s black and sleek and expensive.  It’s a Cadillac CTS.  “Do you refuse to drive anything that costs less than forty grand?” I ask incredulously.

He smiles.  “You don’t like it?”

“I didn’t say that.  I just think it’s a little pretty to subject to road salt.  You are familiar with Michigan winters, right?”

He rolls his eyes and opens the door.  “Get in the car.”

I shrug and do as I’m told.

As we make our way to the expressway, I turn on him.  “You’re seriously nervous around my dad?”

“Of course,” he says.  “What guy isn’t intimidated by a girl’s father?”

“Don’t be.  He likes you.”

He looks unsure.  “You think?  Have you read his mind?”

“No,” I laugh.  “I can just tell.  Although, I’m sure he wouldn’t appreciate your unclean thoughts.  ‘Wear something tight please’?” I mockingly quote him.

He takes my hand.  “Can you blame me for wanting to dress the package?”

My eyes get wide.  “Since when am I a gift?  Do you think that means I’ll let you unwrap me?”

He smirks. “One can only hope.”  He lifts my hand and plants a quick kiss on the back.  “Maybe I should ask Santa?”

I pull my hand from his.  “You know the rules.  All clothes stay on.”

“That’s your rule not mine.”

I give him an “oh please” look; although, I can’t deny that my body responds to his words.  I feel too warm in my coat all of a sudden.  But, we’ve had this discussion.  I can’t do with him what I wouldn’t do with James; my rules prevent all of us from getting hurt.  A full month has yet to pass since I’ve met them again.  If anything happens it needs to remain at first base.

“I have been a good boy.”  He pouts.

“Let it go already!”

He laughs and grasps my hand again, then turns serious.  “You will come to the party right?”

A huge smile breaks across my face.  “I wouldn’t miss it.”

Chapter 13

I catch a glimpse of the clock on the wall at Express.  “Ugh!”

“What is it?”

“It’s almost six!”  I throw the sweater I was examining for Kate back on the rack.  “I’m supposed to be at practice in ten minutes.”

Dane makes a face.  “You have fight club tonight?”

I nod vigorously as I dig for my phone.  “The mats came today.”  Dane knows I’ve been waiting for the home gym to be complete.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asks.

I shrug as I scroll through my contacts.  “I was having so much fun I forgot.”  It’s true; our time together has flown by.  I select James’ name and send him a quick message.

Completely lost track of time.  On my way.

I toss my phone back in my purse and shift my shopping bags.  “Looks like Kate’s getting a gift card.”  I pluck one off a nearby rack and head to the registers.

“What a completely thoughtless gift,” Dane chides me.

I stick my tongue out at him.  I gave him the same spiel earlier when he tried to get away with purchasing the same thing for his father and stepmother.  It took some time and convincing, but I managed to get him to put a little more effort into his gifts.  He ended up with his and hers Burberry watches.  Very nice.  And very expensive.  I tried to explain it’s the thought that counts, not going broke, but he assured me the cost wasn’t an issue.  He then said they would probably faint at receiving something from him that wasn’t redeemable.

As we wait to checkout, I peruse the displays near the counter.  “Ah ha,” I say and step to the side to grab a pair of hoop earrings.  Three different shades of copper strands wind around each other to create delicate circles.  “Thoughtful gift achieved.  These are so Kate.”

“I wouldn’t know,” he says.  “I’ve never met her.”

“I never introduced you?”  She and my brother have been dating for, well, forever.

“I’ve only met your mom and dad.”  We move up in line.

Huh.  “You should stop by the next time Kate and my brother are over.”

“When will that be?”

I think about it.  “Most likely Christmas Day.  We always do gifts and dinner.  You should come by after your family thing.”

“We don’t have a family thing,” Dane says.  “We usually host the staff party Christmas Eve and then kind of ignore Christmas Day.”

“That’s not fun,” I tell him as we step up in line again.  “Do you think it will be different this year?  With the party on New Year’s?”

He shrugs.  “Don’t know.”

I feel bad for him.  I still enjoy the holidays even though I’m well past believing in Santa Claus; although, I may want to revisit that belief.  After all, there are Guardians and an Intermediate.  Maybe the jolly red man does exist.

“Well, consider yourself invited to the Donohue Family Christmas,” I say.  “It’s not fancy, but it’s a good time.  That is if you want to come.”

At first he blinks at me like I’ve said something crazy.  Then, a slow smile spreads across his face. He wraps his arm around my shoulders and plants a kiss on the top of my head.  “I would love to come to your family Christmas.”

I lean into him, but I’m confused.  What was that about?

Before I can ask, we’re next in line, and I purchase Kate’s presents.  After I drop nearly eighty bucks I turn to him.  “I’m sorry I forgot about training.  You don’t mind driving me do you?  If you want you can take me home and I’ll jump in my car.”

He fishes his keys from his pocket.  “I do wish our day could stay free of the supernatural, but I am kind of curious to see this place where Madeline and Ash are staying.”

“Me too.”  As we make our way out of the store and to the mall entrance my phone chimes.  My hands are full, so I ask Dane to pull it from my purse.  “Who is it?”

“James.”  He frowns and shows me the text.

Hurry up loser.

I laugh.  “Here.”  I trade two of my bags for my phone and reply as we walk.  Well isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.

Seconds pass and he responds.  Nope.  I never lose.

I text back.  Liar.

Dane and I make it to his car and stow our packages.  I pull up The Larvatus’ new address on my phone as James sends another message.

If you ever get here I’ll prove it.

I snort and start to reply.

“What is so fascinating?” Dane asks.

“James thinks he’s better than me.”  I send my message.

Bring it on dork.  You’re going down.

The road on which Madeline and Ash are staying appears desolate in the dark.  A few homes are scattered here and there, but they sit so far back from the dirt road you wouldn’t know they existed if it wasn’t for the mailboxes at the end of the driveways.  When we come upon their address, we pass through an open gate flanked by brick columns.  Fancy, I think to myself.

The drive to the house is long and curves to hug the lake it runs alongside.  After several feet it straightens out leading us through a conglomeration of trees before delivering us to the front door.

And what a front door it is.

Dane lets out a low whistle.  “How did they find this place again?”

I shrug.  “James said something about a realtor.”

Leaning forward, I look through the windshield at the house that looms before us.  It appears modern, yet not.  From here it looks to be at least three stories high with several large windows gracing the main floors.  Smaller dormer windows sit at the very top.  The outside is covered in rust colored brick except for three large sections, the middle and both ends, that are decorated with multi-colored stone.  The house is symmetrical; the stone facades triangular in shape.  The two on the ends resemble small towers.  “Would you call that a turret?” I ask Dane, pointing up.

“Definitely.”

He steps out of the car and I follow, tilting my head back to get the whole picture.  I didn’t know houses like this existed where I live.  We’re such a small Midwestern town.  Soft light shines through most of the windows on the first floor leading my eye to the oversize main door.  It looks heavy and made of a dark wood.  A gorgeous light fixture hangs above the entrance appearing to be centuries old and three large circular steps made of stone radiate out from the porch.

We tentatively make our way up the stairs and find the doorbell.  I almost expect a butler to answer, but instead we get James.

“Where’s the dungeon?” I joke when he opens the door.

“Funny.”  He smiles.  “It’s actually a torture chamber.”

“Let me guess,” I step inside as he holds the door wide, “you’re referring to the new gym?”

“Absolutely.”  His smile fades a little when he notices Dane is with me.  “Hey.”

“Hey,” Dane says and explains his presence.  “I’m playing chauffeur today.”

James turns to me.  “Something wrong with your car?”

I shake my head.  “He stopped by as I was leaving to shop.  We went together.”

I can tell James is displeased that I brought a guest.  To change the subject I look around the room.  “Wow.  Do we get a tour?”

“Tour first or practice?” he asks.

“Practice,” Madeline answers for me, appearing from nowhere.  She smiles and waves for us to follow her.

James, Dane, and I exit the foyer and pass under a balcony of sorts which is flanked on each end by a staircase.  We walk through a great room that combines the living area and kitchen and pass a formal dining area off by itself, a game room, and what I assume is a guest bath.  Madeline leads us to a closed door which she opens to reveal stairs.  We follow her down to the basement where, when we turn the corner, I’m shocked.  This place could rival any training facility in the United States.

“Are you kidding?” I look at Mad and James wide-eyed.  All they do is smile.

I wander through the equipment running my hand over some of the machines.  Treadmills, rowers, bikes, steppers, ellipticals, weight benches and free weights all fill the area.  Further in I find a trampoline and then stop short when I see the entire back of the room has been transformed into a climbing wall with harnesses and ropes dangling from the ceiling.  My mind registers the sound of dull thuds, and I turn to see Ash pounding away on a punching bag.  He stops for a second to wave a gloved hand at me.

“Let me show you this.”  James grasps my wrist and leads me over a large open area of mats that I assume are for our training and meditation.  Medicine balls, jump ropes, gloves, and other accessories line the walls we pass.  James pulls me into another room which might have been a large bathroom or in home spa at one point.

“A hot tub?” I ask in awe.

“For aching muscles.”  He winks at me.  “There’s another one upstairs on the deck.  Here’s the sauna,” he opens a cedar door, “and then there are two shower stalls around the corner.”

“How did you guys do all of this in four days?” Dane asks skeptically.

“This room was pretty much like you see it,” James says.  “The bathroom was here, the tub, the sauna.  All Ash added were the lockers.”

He leads us further and we come across about ten lockers next to open shelves stacked with towels.  James opens the door at the end.  “This one is yours,” he says to me.  It’s fully stocked.

I step forward and examine the contents.  A stack of workout clothes sits neatly folded on the shelf and a pair of running shoes sits at the bottom.  Everything has tags.

“Where did you get this?” I ask.  “How much do I owe you?”

“They’re from me and Ash,” Madeline says from behind us.  “I saved the receipts in case something doesn’t fit.”

I turn toward her.  “Thanks, but you shouldn’t have.  Please let me pay you.”  Why are they buying me things?  This feels awkward.

She smiles reading my mind.  “You’re one of us and we take care of each other.  We want you to feel comfortable here.”

“I’d feel comfortable regardless,” I assure her.  What could I possibly give them in return?  Should I buy them Christmas gifts?

Madeline reaches out and takes my hand.  “No,” she says reading my thoughts again.  “Your decision to participate in our way of life is gift enough for us.”

I’m confused for a second.  “I didn’t think I had a choice.”

“You always have a choice,” she says.  “You’re Gifted, remember?” She taps the amulet at my wrist.  “You take this off and your abilities go with it.”

I did know that.  I guess I pushed it to the back of my mind since I was enjoying my new talents so much, not to mention taking the bracelet off will bring me physical pain.  “Well, it’s still awfully generous of you,” I tell her.  “I will find a way to reciprocate.”  Maybe I can make them dinner.

She laughs and releases my hand as Dane asks, “So, are you expecting company?”  He eyes the other lockers.  “This is a lot of equipment for the four of you.”

“There’s no gym membership,” Ash surprises us from the doorway.  “You’re welcome to join us anytime.”

My eyes jump to James, and I notice his jaw tense.

“Actually, we do have some friends in the area,” Madeline says.  “One of them helped us find this place.  We may have some visitors from time to time.”

I raise my eyebrows.  “Do you plan to live here permanently?”

“We’re considering it,” Ash says.  “We have several homes; our main residence is in Hope Mills.  When you’re alive for one hundred-plus years it’s nice to change up the scenery once and awhile.”

I can’t even fathom how wealthy they must be to keep up this lifestyle.  “Are your houses all this big?”  Suddenly, I feel terrible about them staying with me in my tiny apartment at Western.  How crappy must that have been?  Ash sleeping on the couch and Madeline sharing a bed with me.

“Not all of them, maybe two,” Madeline says like it’s no big deal.

“Are we going to practice or are we going to talk all night?” James asks, impatient.  He nods toward my locker.  “Get changed.  We have some time to make up for.”

“That’s right.”  I cross my arms.  “We wouldn’t want your skills to get rusty now would we?”

He rolls his eyes as he follows Ash and Dane out into the main room.

“If you’d rather you can dress around the corner,” Madeline says.  “There’s a stall next to the showers.”

Of course they’d have a changing room too.  “Did you guys think of everything?” I ask as I take off my coat.

“We were lucky with the setup down here.  The previous owner designed the basement for her elderly mother-in-law who needed the open space to get around.  The spa and sauna were for her physical therapy.  That’s why there’s a separate entrance and a small kitchen off the other end.”

A small kitchen?  It must have been behind me when I came down the stairs.

“I can’t imagine what a place like this costs,” I say as I untie my shoes.  “What do you…?” I stop myself.  I was about to ask her what they do for money.  Nosey much?

She laughs.  “The Charmed look out for one another.  I said the realtor was a friend?  The owner of this place is too.  We’re all Larvatus.  We’re actually staying here for free.”

I frown.  “Why did I think you were renting?”

She shrugs.  “Natural assumption?”

“I guess.”

Madeline smiles.  “To answer your question, we live by connections, odd jobs, and investments.  Some of us manage to have inconspicuous careers, but most of us move from job to job.  When you work at the same organization for years and haven’t aged much rumors really start to fly around the office.”

“I bet.”  I select a set of clothes and close the locker door.  “Okay, I’ll be out in a sec.”

“Emma.”  She rests her hand on my arm.  “Ash and I want you to know that you’re more than welcome to stay here with us if you ever need to.  We have more than enough space.”

Her offer makes me feel all mushy inside like a Hallmark card.  Who am I to make them care about me so much?  “Thanks,” I tell her sincerely.  “I’m enjoying my time with my family, but I’ll keep that in mind.”

She smiles again and turns to leave.  “I’m glad.  I’ll meet you out there.”

It’s nearly ten o’clock when we finish, and I’m leaning against the wall chugging bottles of water like I’ve been stuck in the Mojave for a week.  Practice was great; it felt so good to move and stretch again.  James and I managed to stay on an even keel tonight; neither of us can claim victory over the other due to the type of exercises Ash was having us perform.

“Next time Donohue,” James threatens me.

“Whatever Davis.”  I brush him off with a smile.

I peel myself away from the wall and walk over to where Dane has been patiently observing us for the last four hours.  “Do you want to check this out?” I ask him and present my anlace.

He eyes it warily and then runs his fingers across the blade.

“You can hold it.”  I push it toward him.

He takes it by the handle, testing the weight, and then gives it back to me.  “Nice.”

“All you have to say is nice?”

He looks up at me and widens his eyes.  I hear his thoughts.

“This worries me on so many levels.”

Before I can ask him why, James appears behind my shoulder.  “Ready for your tour?”

“Give me ten minutes to change.”

I jump under the shower, wash off my sweat, and jump out in record time.  Once I dress and rejoin everyone, we head up the stairs.  When we get to the top it hits me.

“You have to work tomorrow!”

Dane turns to me.  “Yeah.  So?”

Talk about selfish.  “It’s late,” I say.  “Why didn’t you say something?  What time do have to be there?”

“Eight.”

I look apologetically at The Larvatus and James.  “Can we take a rain check on the tour?  Dane needs to get home.”

Dane frowns at me.  “What am I, twelve?  We can take the tour.”

I push him toward the door.  “I will not be responsible for your being late and or grumpy.”  I look at James.  “Same time tomorrow?”

He nods, but looks disappointed.

“Really, Emma, it’s not a big deal,” Dane protests.

I continue to lead him to the door.  “Don’t make me carry you.  You know I can.”

He shoots me an exasperated look.

“I’ll see you at six,” I say to my friends as I open the door.  “Thanks for everything.  Tomorrow I’ll bring snacks.”

“I like chocolate,” Ash says and it makes me laugh.

Madeline pipes up.  “I like cheesecake.”

“Chocolate cheesecake it is then.”

Once we’re inside his car Dane turns to me.  “Why did you do that?”

I buckle my seatbelt.  “I’ve taken up all your time tonight and you have an early morning.  It’s not fair.”

He starts the engine.  “And here I thought you wanted me all to yourself.”  He backs up the car and then turns us around.  He pauses before he hits the gas.  “It doesn’t matter what time it is as long as I’m with you.”

I give his hand a squeeze.

We make it to the end of the long drive and turn out on to the road.  “What did you mean by you’re worried on so many levels?” I ask.

He clutches the steering wheel.  “I’ve never seen you fight before.  And with a weapon no less.  It’s disturbing.”

“Why?  I’m good at it.”

“Extremely good,” he says.  “I just hate to think of someone really trying to hurt you.  It scares the hell out of me.”

I don’t know what to say.  I don’t want anyone attacking me either, but I’m confident in my abilities.  It must look weird watching me wrestle James.  Wait.

“This is about more than my fighting isn’t it?”

He sighs.  “You’re right.  Your boyfriend is a whole other level of worry.”

Silence.

“Care to elaborate?”

“You’re going to be spending a lot of time over there.  He has his own space, a hot tub, and his hands all over you.  Yeah, I’m concerned.”

Does he think I’d throw caution to the wind and take up with James just because?  “What do you think this is?  Girls Gone Wild?  I’m not going over there to go hot tubbing!”

Dane shoots me a look.  “You know what I mean.”

“That’s why we have rules.  Do you think I would break them?”

“I know I want you to break them with me.  I’m sure he’s thinking the exact same thing.”

We sit in silence the rest of the way to my house which gives me time to think.  When he pulls into the driveway and parks, I unfasten my belt and give him an apologetic look.  “Listen, I’m sorry I worry you.  It’s not my intent, and I don’t want to fight.”

“Are we fighting?” he asks.  “I thought we were having an honest discussion.”

I give him a tiny smile of relief.  “If you think it’s better we don’t hang out until this Kellan business is over I’d understand.  I’m sure if the situation were reversed I wouldn’t want you wrestling with Teagan.”

He smirks.  “Who says we won’t be?  Her dad’s office is pretty big.”

I give him an uncertain look and he makes a face.  “Scratch that comment.  It wasn’t even remotely funny.”

“No,” I say.  “What you choose to do with her is your business.  I have no hold over you.”

He leans across the console and looks into my eyes.  When he moves closer, we end up kissing until I’m winded.

“When are you going to realize that’s not true?” he whispers.

I bite my lip.  “That kiss was pretty convincing.”

“Was it?”  He smiles.  “Then we’re making progress.  I’m not giving up any of my time with you.”

Chapter 14

“Ready?”

I nod and close my eyes.  This will be my second manifestation.  The first was three days ago, when The Larvatus helped transport me outside their house and on to the lawn.  As Ash takes my right hand and Madeline my left, I concentrate on feeling weightless like they taught me.  Today we’re going somewhere new.

An effervescent tingle begins at my fingertips and travels up my arms toward my chest.  It spreads throughout my body, making its way through my veins and causing them to feel like they’re carbonated.  The sensation builds and builds until suddenly it’s gone.  That’s when I know we’ve arrived.

I open my eyes to find myself standing on an outcropping of rock that juts precariously from a tall bluff.  A cool wind blows and tosses my hair around my face.  As I tuck the strands behind my ears, I look out over a mountainous valley forested by trees that have lost their leaves for the winter season.  Multiple shades of brown, tan, and evergreen pine interrupt the sprinkling of snow that covers the ground.  The dreary colors contrast with the bright blue sky, and it’s as if I can see forever in any direction.  The sun decides to peek out from behind a random cloud and the view takes my breath away.

“Where are we?”

“Hawksbill Crag,” Ash answers.

When I give him a questioning look he clarifies.  “The Ozark Mountains.”

The only thing I can think to say is “Get out!”  I’m so eloquent.

Madeline’s melodic laugh echoes around us.  “The view is beautiful even in December.”

“Amazing,” I agree.  I walk as far as I dare toward the edge of the rock and peer over the side.  It’s a long way down.  I take a deep breath of fresh air and then exhale slowly.  “Is this what you do for fun?  Manifest yourselves around the globe?”

“And sometimes beyond.”

Right.  Despite knowing the purpose of the journey I’m still curious to see the Intermediate.

I wrap my arms around my body against the wind.  Even though the view is pretty, it’s cold up here.  I turn to find Ash crouched down with one knee set against the rock, his elbow resting on the other, and his chin between his forefinger and thumb.  He stares at the horizon deep in thought.  “Jack said Garrett was looking rough,” I say quietly.  “How much time do you think we have?”

“Less than two weeks,” he responds.

He sounds so sure I avert my gaze and stare at my shoes.  Less than two weeks.  On one hand, I’m excited to finally do this.  Let’s rescue some Guardians and put Kellan in his place already!  But, I’d be lying if I said the thought of someone getting hurt or dying hadn’t crossed my mind.  If something happens to James, Madeline, or Ash how could I not bear some of the responsibility? And what if I’m the one who ends up mortally wounded?  There’s no coming back from death a second time.

Madeline either reads my mind or senses my concern because she’s next to me in two strides.  “You’re ready,” she says with confidence.  “Any further practice is icing on the cake.”

“Cheesecake?” I smile.  I was true to my word and brought dessert that second night of training.  For a little thing she sure can eat; although, I’m one to talk lately.  My appetite has been insane which hasn’t gone unnoticed.  My mother actually cornered me yesterday to make sure I wasn’t pregnant.  Talk about awkward.

Madeline flushes.  “My one and only weakness.”

“I beg to differ,” Ash chuckles and stands.  He approaches Madeline and wraps his arms around her from behind.  “I’d like to think I make you go weak in the knees.”

She rolls her eyes and pats his arm.  “Okay, I have two weaknesses.”

He kisses her temple and it makes me smile.  They love each other so much.

The wind picks up again, and I hold myself.  Madeline notices.  “Let’s go back,” she says to Ash.  “Emma’s cold.”

“Sorry.”  I shrug.  “I came unprepared.  I didn’t think to bring a man to keep me warm.”

Ash snickers and Madeline elbows him.

“What?” I ask defensively.

Ash grins.  “Which coat would you have brought?”

My mouth falls open, speechless.

“Ignore him,” Madeline says.  “I do.”  She removes herself from his embrace and clutches my hand.  “Get over here,” she chastises her man.  “She can’t do this without us.”

Our return from Arkansas ends our practice for the day and, shortly after, I find myself roaming around James’ apartment sipping hot chocolate.  With Madeline and Ash’s help, James has been busy making the space his own.  In addition to the furniture that was already there, he’s added two barstools under the counter that separates the dining area from the kitchen.  In the living room, a new stereo system complete with surround sound speakers sits on the floor, fresh from its box.  James kneels among the electronics, consulting instructions and pulling wires, trying to connect everything to the flat screen TV.

As I pass one of the side tables I notice another new addition.  Pictures.

“Where did you get these?” I ask, curious.

“What?”  He tears his eyes away from the blue and red cables.

“These pictures.”  I lean in close and study them.  The first photo is of James and his family.  He’s standing between his parents at an ice rink somewhere, their arms wrapped around each other’s waists.  He wears all of his hockey equipment except his helmet, and his hair is plastered with sweat.  It looks like they were caught in the middle of a hearty laugh; he must have just finished a game.

The second picture causes my heart to stop momentarily.  It’s of us at our high school graduation.  We stand with our arms around one another clutching the fake diplomas they give out at the ceremony.  We’re wearing our black cap and gowns, honor cords and National Honor Society stoles slightly askew as we lean in to one another.  We look deliriously happy.

“Damn it,” he groans and rushes to my side.  “You found your Christmas present.”

I frown.  “It wasn’t exactly hidden.  And why are you getting me a gift?”

James takes my drink from me and sets it on the table.  He picks up the picture of us and turns it over, so all I can see is the back.  On the white photo paper I see neat handwriting:

J & E – HS Graduation – June 2008

“I was going to wrap this,” he says, disappointed.  “I didn’t mean to leave it out.”

“That’s okay,” I say.  “I’m the one invading your space and snooping around.”

His blue eyes lock on mine.  “I always want you to invade my space.”  He grasps my hand and leads me to the couch, gesturing for me to have a seat.  I do and he sits beside me, wrapping his arm around my shoulders and pressing me to his side.  He turns the picture over and holds it out in front of me.  “Merry Christmas.”

I give him a small smile and tentatively take it.  “Thanks.”

“I know we aren’t exchanging gifts, but I wanted to give you something from our past.”  James traces the edge of the picture.  “I wish I could have found something more sentimental, but my parents have packed my life away and hidden it in the armory that is their basement.”

I looked at him in surprise.  “You broke into your parent’s house?”

“Not technically.  I appeared inside while they were sleeping.”

I smile.  “How long did it take you to find this?”

“A minute,” he sighs.  “The only evidence of my existence is my senior picture that hangs on the living room wall.  Besides that, my bedroom has been turned into a guest room and everything else has been boxed, sealed, and stowed.”

My heart aches.  Are his parents trying to forget him?  I kiss his cheek.  “I’m sorry.”

He shrugs.  “I know my mom was having a hard time handling things.  I think this is her way of grieving.  I mean, I didn’t expect to find a James shrine or anything.”

“But next to nothing?” I turn toward him.  “That has to be hard.  Your life should be celebrated, not forgotten.”

He smiles.  “I’m glad you think so.”

I turn back toward his gift.  “Tell me about this day.”

“You remember most of it, don’t you?”

“Well, yeah,” I admit.  “But not this.”  I wave the picture.  “What did we do after this?  I thought I went to Shel’s house.”

“You’re right.”  He squeezes my shoulder.  “We went to Shel’s house.  There was a ton of people there.  Remember her mom was out of town and she left ‘the plan’ for Shel in case the police showed up?”

I laugh.  “Yes!  The ‘toss-the-keg-out-the-back-door-and-down-the-hill’ plan?”

“The very one,” he laughs with me.  “I’m glad we didn’t have to do that; our blatant disregard for the law led to our one and only karaoke concert.”

Oh lord.  “Karaoke concert?  As in we sang more than one song?”

He nods.  “I think we started with “You Shook Me All Night Long,” threw in some Black Eyed Peas, and ended with “Friends in Low Places.”

I cringe.  “You’re making that up.”

He smiles.  “I’m not.  Ask Matt and Shel.”

I cover my eyes with my hand.  Singing in front of people?  That had to be the most ridiculous thing ever.  “Why did you let me embarrass myself like that?”

His free hand trails across my belly and to my hip, pulling me closer.  “Why wouldn’t I?  It was a spur of the moment thing.  Besides, you can actually sing.  I’m terrible.”

We fall silent for a moment, and I contemplate what he’s told me.  It sounds like we had a ton of fun together.  I touch his face on the photograph.  “Thank you for this,” I say sincerely.  “We look happy.”

His arm tightens around me.  “We were.”

My gaze shifts to him and he leans forward to kiss me softly.  It feels relaxed and comfortable as I lean into him.  After a minute he moves back and asks me, “What are you doing tomorrow?”

I sigh.  “Shopping with Shel.  We need to find dresses for the New Year’s Eve party.”

“What New Year’s Eve party?”

“Oh.”  I straighten up.  “The annual Bay Woods employee holiday party.  It’s a masquerade.”

He face falls a little.  “I take it Dane is your date?”

I swallow.  “Yeah.”

His hold on me relaxes.  “What about Christmas?  What are your plans?”

“You know.  The same old, same old.  Gifts and dinner with Mike and Kate.”  I hesitate.  Should I mention Dane?  Probably not.

He pulls the picture from my fingers, sets it back on the side table, and wraps his arms around me again.  “I wish I could take you to the party.  Or to anything for that matter.”

I rest my head on his shoulder.  “I don’t get many invitations.  It’s no big deal.”

“You’re missing the point,” he says against my hair.  “I’ll never be able to take you anywhere.  Not as long as I stay around this town, anyway.  Not to dinner, not to a movie, not even to the damn grocery store.”

I slide my arms around his waist and hug him to let him know I understand.  What he says is true.  To avoid recognition, the safest thing for James to do is move out of state.  And, if I want to be with him in any kind of normal sense, that means I would have to leave, too.  The thought of us living in some sort of pseudo-hiding depresses me.

I change the subject and apologize to try and make things better.  “I’m sorry I didn’t get you a gift.  Let me make it up to you.  Name something you want.  Anything.”

He looks surprised.  “You mean it?”

Mentally, I smack myself.  That comment sounded much more innocent in my head.  “Within reason,” I elaborate.  “Do you have a favorite movie?  I’ll get it and we’ll watch it together.  Or how about a favorite band?  You could blend in at a concert.”

After a few seconds gives me a tiny smile.  “Stay the night with me.”

I look at him uncertainly.  “Like how do you mean?”

“Like this,” he says and wraps his hand around my knee.  He pulls it up, hooking my leg over his, and scoots as close to me as possible.

“Snuggled on the couch?” I ask.

“We’ll probably get kinks in our necks,” he says.  “How about we move to the bedroom and make it more comfortable?”

“Emma?”  My brother waves his hand in front of my face.  “Where are you today?”

I blink and refocus.  Yet again, my mind has traveled back to the night I spent with James.  Don’t get me wrong; all of my rules remain unbroken.  We did nothing more than spend the time cuddled close, sharing an occasional kiss or two, and reminiscing about our past.  It felt right, and I don’t regret it.

So, how is it that I’m super excited to see Dane today?  Shouldn’t that feel wrong?  Talk about confusing emotions.  How twisted is it to want them both in my life?  And when will they get fed up with me?

“Here.”  Mike thrusts a stocking into my hands.  “Let’s do this.”

I stick my tongue out at my brother.  “Pushy much?”  What’s his hurry anyway?  Its Christmas morning.  Let’s make it last.

I glance around the room to see my parents and Kate have already started gutting their stockings, so I reach into mine.  The first things I remove are two pair of fuzzy slipper socks.  My mom knows those are my favorite.  The next item is a package of hair bands as is standard every year.  Further down, I discover a gift card for the local movie theater and another for a pedicure.

“Thanks!” I smile at my mom and dad.  “How did you know my feet are gross?”

“With the amount you’ve been working out lately I figured they might need help,” my mom says from her perch on the couch.

I’ve been covering up my Larvatus training sessions by lying.  I told my parents I was taking a self-defense class which they allowed due to “Patrick the Outlaw.”

I reach to the bottom of my stocking and discover some dark chocolate.  Again, another favorite.

After our stockings are empty we tear into our presents.  Kate loves the gift card and earrings I got her – score! – and my brother appreciates his long sleeved tees from American Eagle.  Both of them went in together and got me the most gorgeous cashmere sweater.  Talk about soft.

After my parents thank us for their gifts, my brother, Kate, and I are blown away when they present us with identically shaped boxes.  They bought us all iPads.  I think James probably heard our collective gasp of surprise the next town over when we opened them.  How incredibly awesome are my mom and dad?

Once the paper is cleaned up, Kate and I head to the kitchen to start brunch.  We’ve never been early risers, so it’s brunch instead of breakfast.  My brother stops us before we leave the living room though.

“Can you guys come back here for a minute?”

I turn to look at him, and he looks paler than pale.  Upon further inspection he looks a little shaky, too.  I glance at Kate, and I can tell she notices.  Concern flashes across her face.

We step back into the living room and Mike reaches for Kate’s hand, pulling her ahead of me.  He stops in the center of the room, near where my dad is seated in his recliner.  He takes a deep breath and drops to one knee.

Oh my God.

“Kate,” he says, still holding on to her, “every minute of every day I love you more.”  He pauses and lifts his free hand.  Pinched between his index finger and thumb is a sparkling diamond ring.  “I think you know what this means but…will you marry me?”

Kate yanks her hand away from his to cover her mouth in surprise.  Tears dance in her eyes as she stares at him.  After a few seconds she utters a barely audible “Yes.”

“What was that?”  My brother leans forward with a hint of a smile.

“Yes!”  She grins.  She lowers her left hand to him, which is now shaking, and Mike slides the ring on to her finger.  He beams up at her; I don’t think I’ve ever seen him so happy.

He stands and Kate throws herself against him in huge hug.  Immediately, my mom, dad, and I descend upon them.  My mom wipes the tears from Kate’s cheeks as they laugh and hug; my dad shakes Mike’s hand and slaps him on the shoulder.

When I pull away from hugging Kate I snag her hand to study her ring.  “Wow,” I say and I mean it.  My brother did an amazing job.  A round diamond sits in the center of a platinum band, completely surrounded by smaller stones.  The band itself has four diamonds that extend down each side and the entire ring shimmers.  “It’s beautiful.”

I look at my brother, who I’ve never regarded as so grown up.  Stepping forward, I gently punch him in the arm.  “It’s about time!”

He laughs as I wrap one arm around him in an awkward hug.  Happy tears prick my eyes.  “Seriously.  Congratulations,” I say into his shoulder.

He pats my back.  “Thanks, Em.”

Hours later, I lie on the couch playing with my Christmas gift.  I’ve already downloaded two books, messed with the camera, and set up my email, so I can check it with one touch.  I love my iPad.

Around five o’clock the only thing that could distract me from my new gift occurs which is a knock on the back door.  I spring up to answer it.

“Ah.  I see lover boy has arrived,” Mike teases me.

I shoot him a look.  “Please behave.”

I pass through the kitchen, where my mom and Kate are busy talking, while dinner bakes.  When I open the door to find Dane on the stoop I can’t help but bust out in a huge smile.  “Hey.”

He grins at me.  “Nice sweater.”

“Thanks.”  I look down at myself.  “Mike and Kate got it for me.”  I step back to let him inside and close the door behind him.  “Want me to take your coat?”

“Sure.”  He hands me the gifts he’s carrying which causes me to mentally frown.  Why did he bring presents?  He shrugs out of a black pea coat and then exchanges it for the packages.  I turn and open the coat closet to hang it up.  Surprisingly, he steps behind the door with me so we’re blocked from the kitchen.  I look at him, and he plants a quick kiss on my lips.  “Merry Christmas,” he says and smiles.

“Merry Christmas,” I whisper.  “Why are you kissing me in the closet?”

“Because I can’t do it in front of your family.”

I laugh.

“Dane’s here,” I announce as we enter the kitchen and my mom smiles his way.

“I’m glad you could join us,” she says.  “I hope you like ham.”

“Thanks for having me,” he responds politely then holds his stomach.  “Of course I like ham.”

“Dane, this is Kate.  My brother’s fiancée,” I emphasize the word.

He raises his eyebrows.  “Did this just happen?”

She grins and nods like a little kid.

“Congratulations,” he says and extends his hand to shake hers.  “It’s nice to meet you.”

“Likewise,” she responds.

He juggles the gifts in his arms.  “Do you want me to take those?” I ask.  “Why did you bring presents anyway?”

“Because it’s the polite thing to do,” he says like I should know better.  He smiles as he holds out a small rectangular bag to my mother.  “This is for you and your husband.”

She takes the gift reluctantly.  “You shouldn’t have.”  She sets it on the counter and pulls out a bottle of wine.  She looks impressed and thanks him.

He smiles at her and then turns to me, holding the remaining gift out of reach.  “I guess you don’t want yours.”

“Why did you get me something?”  First James, now Dane?  Someone could have filled me in on the gift-giving!  I feel like an inconsiderate jerk.

“Because I wanted to surprise you,” he says.  His eyes widen.

“You might want to open this in private.”

Hmmm.  Where could we go?  “Let me introduce you to my brother and give you a tour,” I say and grab his hand, leading him into the living room.  My mom and Kate will think I merely wanted to change the subject.

“Dad?  Mike?  Dane’s here.”

Both my father and brother pull their eyes from the television to look at my guest.  “Nice to see you again,” my dad says.  Mike simply waves.

I continue to lead Dane past them, toward the stairs.  “Are you going to let me say hello?” he asks.

“Yeah.  Where are you going?” Mike says as I step on the first stair.

“I’m showing him around the house,” I say.  “He’s never been past the kitchen.”  I think.

As we ascend the stairs I hear Mike ask my dad, “You’re going to let her take a boy to her room?”

Gah!  What are we?  Sixteen?!  He’s never cared before!  “Shut up Mike!” I holler behind me.

I hear him laugh as Dane snickers.  At the top of the stairs, I point out the rooms as we pass them.  “Bathroom, Mike’s old room, my room,” I say as we enter.

He pauses as he studies the place I grew up.  I admit it’s kind of girly – all of my furniture is white, and my bed set is sage and ivory with a little pink around the edges.  My clothes hamper overflows and LB’s toys are scattered around the floor.  A few boxes from the move still sit in one corner, and my closet door is ajar.  Okay.  It does look like a teenager lives here.

Dane’s eyes finally land on me and they look amused.

“What?” I cross my arms.  “I know it’s a mess.  I wasn’t expecting to bring you up here.”

“It’s not that.”  He smiles.  “I can just picture you growing up in this room.  Protective older brother down the hall, loving parents in the kitchen.  Running down the stairs on Christmas morning.”

I eye him suspiciously.  “Since when did you turn into a Lifetime Original Movie?”

He chooses not to answer me and presents his gift.  “For you.”

Warily, I take it.  “Is this going to embarrass me?”

“It shouldn’t.”

I sit on the bed and set the box on my lap.  Well, two boxes.  There’s a small one on top of larger one, wrapped in thick gold paper that looks like a tapestry.  A stunning red bow made of fabric holds the two together.  “Did you wrap this yourself?”

He takes a seat beside me.  “I wish I could say I did, but no.  I had help.”

“Teagan?” I joke.  She’s been working him around the clock.

His expression twists.  “No.  Cynthia from Accounting.”

I nod like I know who Cynthia is.  I slide the bow off the present and set it aside.  I pull the smaller box away from the first and carefully tear off the paper.  When I remove the lid I’m speechless.

“I know you’re not big on jewelry,” Dane says and pulls the item from the box.  “But this reminded me of you.”

Draped over his finger is a delicate silver butterfly that sparkles in the light of my room.  A thin, yet equally shiny, chain extends from the tip of each wing to form a loop.  “It goes around your ankle,” he explains.  “I figured you could wear it and no one would know.”

I slowly take it from him and stare at my palm.  “Why did it remind you of me?”

“Because you’re the same,” he says.  “When we first met you were wrapped in this protective shell.  It took some time, but you broke free.  And now look at you.”  He gives me a tiny smile.  “All transformed and stretching your wings.”

I stare at him in awe as tears jump behind my eyes.  The thought he put behind this gift takes my breath away.

He looks at me, unsure.  “Do you like it?”

Words escape me.  Instead of speaking, I wrap my free hand around his neck and pull his mouth to mine.  I try to convey how I feel through my kiss.  I think it works.  When we part, I manage to say, “I love it.  I absolutely love it.”

He grins.  “Here,” he takes the bracelet from me and places it back in the box, “open the next one.”

I remove the paper from the next package and reveal a collector’s edition of the game Clue.

“No way!” I exclaim and turn over the box, which is actually a metal tin.  “The pieces look like real people!”

“And the weapons aren’t plastic,” he laughs.

“How did you know I love this game?”

“We played it in the Caribbean,” he says.  “I was Colonel Mustard and you were Miss Scarlet.”

“We are so playing this after dinner,” I say excitedly.  “Thank you so much!”

“You’re very welcome,” he says and leans in to kiss me again.

“Guys!” my mother shouts up the stairs.  “Dinner’s ready!”

We laugh as we stop what we’re doing.  I stand and set my gift on the bed.  “Let’s go.”  I extend my hand.

“Wait,” he says and stands with me.  “One more thing.”

“There’s more?” I say in disbelief.

He reaches for his wallet, opens it, and produces a hot pink gift card.  “I know how you feel about these, but I couldn’t resist.”  He smirks and presents it to me.

It’s from Victoria’s Secret, and I immediately blush.  I open the holder and see it’s for an ungodly amount.  “$500?!” I say in shock.  “Why?”

“Trust me,” he says.  “I’ve seen the state of your underwear.  You probably need more money than that.”

I sock him in the arm.  “This is too much.  Take it back.”

“No, it’s not.  Have you seen how much things cost there?”

“That’s precisely why I own nothing from this store.”

He wraps his arms around my waist.  “You deserve it,” he says.  “Plus, it serves a double purpose.”

“What’s that?”

“Did you get me a gift?”

I look away, ashamed.  “No.  I’m sorry; I didn’t know we were doing the gift thing.”

“Then repay me one day,” he says and kisses my forehead.

“How so?”

He leans forward and whispers in my ear.  “Let me see what you buy.  Deal?”

When he focuses on my face again, I shake my head.  “You’re incorrigible.”

His eyes light up.  “I’ll take that as a yes.”

Chapter 15

The dress I bought for New Year’s Eve hangs over my closet door.  As I stare at it I’m seriously second guessing my choice.  What was I thinking?  Black and lace are so not me!

Shel talked me into this one instead of the simple strapless I’d found.  She did have a good point; I don’t have the chest to pull off a strapless gown.  She, on the other hand, will have no problem filling out hers.

“Emma!  Get in here!”

I leave my bedroom and meet her in the bathroom where she’s laid out a plethora of cosmetics.  We’ve just returned from having our hair done which was a lot of fun.  I wish I could hire someone to wash my hair all the time because it felt so good.  Mainly it just felt great to spend time with Shel.  Just us.  No guys.  No Guardian stuff.  No lies.

She puts her arm around my shoulder and turns us to look at ourselves in the mirror.  “We are going to rock this party tonight.”

I smile back at our reflections.  “You will.  I’m going to look silly from the neck down.”

“Um, I don’t think so,” she says.  “That dress fits you like a glove.  Besides, you need to show off all your hard work.”

She thinks my newly toned body is due to my faux self-defense class.  It’s true my muscles are more defined and I’m not complaining.  I can feel confident wearing a swimsuit while tossing some Allegiant.

She leans toward the mirror and inspects her hair.  “You’re sure you like this?”

“I love it,” I repeat for the thousandth time.  Her brown hair is swept completely off her neck and is tucked-in on itself in a loose contemporary twist.  A few straight pieces of the shorter layers hang outside and frame her face.

“Your hair is getting really long,” she says as she leans back and touches a piece of mine at the bottom.  “It’s nearly half way down your back.”

“Yeah, it’s a Larv…” I stop myself.  I almost said it’s a Larvatus thing.  “It’s been growing like crazy.”  It’s also changing color.  The auburn highlights that have always been there are taking over.

“I’m glad you decided to wear it down,” she says.  “It’s pretty.”

I didn’t want to copy Shel and have my hair up, so half of it is pulled back and knotted at the crown of my head.  The rest falls down my back in soft waves.

“Well,” she picks up her phone and consults the time, “let’s get to this, shall we?”

It’s a good thing we started early.  Two hours later we’re still at it.

“Ow!” I complain as Shel pokes me in the eye.  Again.  “Are the fake lashes really necessary?”

“I bought them so we’re wearing them,” she says with determination.

“But they won’t stick,” I say.  “I’d rather go without then have a dead caterpillar hanging off my face!”

“Fine,” she huffs and tosses the lashes on the counter.  “You’re right.  I give up.”

“Finally,” I grumble.  I turn toward the mirror and peel off the other semi-stuck lash.  Shel does the same to hers.  I grab the eyeliner to fix what I messed up and then hand it off to Shel who does the same.  I reach for the mascara and lay it on as thick as I dare without it getting goopy.  Those makeup ads sure do lie.  It’s hard to keep it from clumping.

“There.”  I finish and look at her.  “For never wearing makeup I think I did a darn good job.”

She smiles at me.  “You should wear it more often.”

I grimace.  “It takes too long.  I’ll save it for special occasions like this.”  I pluck a tube of lip gloss and a powder compact off the counter to put in my purse.  “I’m going to get dressed.”

“Be there in a sec,” she says.

Once I’m in my bedroom, I put the makeup in my evening bag and pull my dress from its hanger.  At least I’ll be comfortable.  It’s made of a jersey material so it’s soft and it moves.  I lay it on the bed, undress, and then slide it on, pulling the one strap over my shoulder.  There.  That’s it.

I walk to my closet to stand in front of the long mirror that hangs on the door and adjust the bodice.  It gathers to the left at a sheer lace panel that wraps slightly around my side, but covers most of my back.  The dress falls to the floor with a thigh high slit up the front which is very risqué for me.  I turn and make sure the back of my shoulder strap isn’t twisted and admire the lace panel that mirrors the one at my side.  This one travels along the back of the dress from my knee to the floor.

Facing front again, I’m instantly grateful that all of my Caribbean tan hasn’t disappeared.  It’s offset nicely against the black fabric and through the lace.  I inhale and exhale.  Dane requested tight and this dress hugs me to my hips.  I don’t think it will disappoint.  I do, however, think I look like I’m trying to be something I’m not.  Which is sexy.

When Shel enters the room I’m carefully buckling my strappy heels.  They’re open toed and I’m glad I had time to use my pedicure from Christmas.  She moves past me and removes her dress from the garment bag she brought with her.  After she pulls it on she asks me to help zip her up.

“Matt is going to bust something when he sees you in this,” I say.

She grins.  “I hope so.”

Her dress is floor length too, with a small train.  It’s strapless and fits the top of her like a corset.  The sheer overlay is encrusted with wavy lines of navy beading that trail to one side, and a nude underlay gives the appearance that she’s wearing nothing beneath it.  She shimmers.

As Shel pops diamond studs in her ears I grab our masks.  Mine is gold with black swirls and made of tin; the eyes are outlined in gold glitter.  At the top right corner a large flower blooms, also made of flexible steel, with tall leaves and black and gold petals.  Shel’s mask covers more of her face, coming down a little lower on her cheeks.  It’s ivory with a blue design and tall navy feathers that sprout from the forehead.  Sprinkled in amongst the plumes are little blue flowers.  She found both our accessories online.

I help put on her mask and then she helps me with mine.  We find our bags and I start to head downstairs.  The guys should be here in fifteen minutes.

“Wait,” Shel says and pulls out her phone.  “I want a picture.”

We lean in close and she snaps one.  We take a few more with funny faces and I ask her to send them to me.  I turn to head out the door again.

“Em,” she says.  “Why are you still wearing that?”  She focuses on my wrist.  “It doesn’t match your dress at all.”

I glance at my bracelet.  She’s right.  The brown leather and silver amulet look out of place with my black and gold ensemble.  But I can’t take it off.  What do I tell her?  I decide to lie.

“It’s from Dane, remember?  I never take it off.”

She frowns.  “Does he have a thing for bracelets?”  She looks at my ankle.

I shrug and look down, too. The one around my ankle is so dainty it’s barely noticeable.  “I don’t know.  C’mon.”  I walk out the door, hoping she’ll drop the subject.

When we make it downstairs my parents are watching television.  My mom’s jaw drops to the floor when she sees us.  “You two look gorgeous!” she exclaims.  “What happened to my baby girls?”

We laugh.

“I need a picture,” she says and springs from her seat to get her camera.  While she’s gone, my dad rises from his recliner to give us each a peck on the cheek.  “You look lovely,” he tells us.  “Just be sure your dates tell you the same.  If not, you let me know.”

I smile at him and squeeze his arm.

After we pose ridiculously for my mom – apparently we think we’re in some kind of fashion magazine – Matt arrives to collect Shel.  I was right; his eyes nearly pop out of his head when he sees her.

“Are you responsible for that dress?” he asks me as Shel finds her wrap.

“A little.”  I did influence her decision toward the blue instead of a red satin number.

“Thank. You.”  He enunciates each word.

“You’re welcome.”  I smile.

He leans over my shoulder.  “Dane is going to freak when he lays eyes on you.”

“Thanks.”  I press my hands to my stomach.  “I feel a little out of my element.”

“Don’t,” he says and looks at my dress.  “You own that.”

I reach out and smooth his jacket sleeve.  “You clean up pretty nice yourself, kid.”

He needlessly straightens his bow tie and we laugh.

After Shel and Matt, leave I visit the restroom to fiddle with my hair.  As I wait for Dane, I recall our conversation about tonight.  I told him I could ride with our friends, but he wouldn’t have it.

“I’m picking you up,” he insisted.  “I refuse to share you with them the entire night.”

As I’m primping, I hear him arrive and exchange pleasantries with my parents.  I pause and laugh at myself.  I don’t think I’ve ever used the word ‘primp’ before.

Exiting the bathroom, I find the three of them standing in the kitchen.  They don’t realize I’m there so I clear my throat to get their attention.  When Dane turns around and finds me, his expression is indescribable.  He blinks and his mouth opens and closes without making a sound.  Does he like what he sees?  Is he shocked or confused?  Was he expecting more or less?

His eyes slowly sweep over me from head to toe and back again.  It’s when they focus on my face that I know it’s just enough.

He steps forward and offers his hand with a lopsided smile.  “You look amazing.”

I place my hand in his and say, “You, too,” and mean it.  While Matt looked put together and dapper in his tux you could tell it was a rental and that he felt a little uncomfortable.  Not Dane.  I’m probably biased, but he looks as if he was made to dress this way.  His tuxedo appears specifically tailored for him and everything from his hair to the way he’s shaved today screams, ‘I’m totally confident and used to this.’

“Where’s your mask?” I ask.

“In the car.  It’s a little tough to drive in; plus, I look like an idiot.”

“I doubt that,” I say.

He helps me into an evening coat I borrowed from Kate, and we say our goodbyes.  When we get to the car, he holds the door for me as I climb inside.  I have to rearrange myself because my dress pulls to one side as I slide in.  I bend my knees and scoot back in the seat which exposes my entire left leg due to the slit in my dress.  I try to pull the pieces together to cover it, which doesn’t work.  There’s a reason I don’t do this very often.

When I’m as settled as I can be, he sprints around the car and takes his seat.  He leans over to shut the door and ends up dropping his keys by my feet.  Automatically, I reach down to grab them, and his hand flies out to stop me.

“I’ve got it.”

He bends over and snags his key ring with one finger, but I feel the others at my ankle.  Slowly his hand glides up my leg as he leans back, tracing my calf to my knee and then traveling up my thigh to the top of the slit in my dress.  His touch leaves a trail of electricity behind it.

“Ahem.”  I raise my eyebrows.  “We haven’t even left the driveway.”

“Do me a favor,” he says.  “Don’t read my thoughts tonight.”

“Why?”

He smiles.  “Because I’ve seen you throw a right hook.”

When we step over the threshold to his parents place I’m in awe.  Their home is nowhere near as big as Madeline and Ash’s mini castle, but it’s still huge.  Attendants take our coats in the foyer, and we are immediately approached by waiters carrying trays of champagne.  Off to the right is an arched doorway, and, when I peer inside, I see several guests milling around a large sitting room with white furniture and an expansive fireplace.  Christmas lights and garland drip off every surface and a massive tree sits in one corner; it must be twenty feet tall.  A Baby Grand resides opposite the tree where a pianist plays a seasonal melody.

“Is that your living room?” I ask.

“Formal sitting room,” he says like everyone has one.  “Growing up I hung out in the den.”

He places his hand against the small of my back and ushers me farther into his childhood home, saying hello to several guests.  I recognize Katie, one of the girls I worked with this summer, and even spot Leslie and my manager Kris.  Everyone is decked out in their finest attire, and I’m glad I blend in.  I keep an eye out for Matt and Shel, but don’t see them.

Dane leads me to a set of double doors that are thrown wide and steps inside.  Tables upon tables of food line the perimeter of the room.  On the center most table sits an ice sculpture of a sleigh and its seat is overflowing with shrimp.  Chefs in white hats stand behind several stations frying, sautéing, and otherwise setting things on fire.  People are gathered in small groups laughing, sampling, and flagging down wait staff that, I assume, are taking drink orders.

“Dining room?” I ask.

“The formal one, yes.”  He smiles.  “I wanted you to know where the food was.”  He sets his hand against my belly, and I smack it away.  I know I eat a lot, but damn!  I’m not a vacuum!

He grabs my hand and pulls me around the rest of the first floor.  After a brief stop at the den, which resembles a normal living room and is off limits to guests for the night, we pass through the kitchen which is doubling as a bar.  French doors are thrown wide, exposing the backyard, where a large white tent has been resurrected to cover the heated patio.  Beneath the tent is the dance floor for the evening; it’s white and surrounded by round tables decorated for the New Year.  Horns and confetti grace the center of each, and multicolored metallic streamers radiate from the center of the outdoor room at a mirror ball.  They drape across the ceiling to the sides of the tent where they fall and puddle on the ground.  A DJ plays from the far end of the dance floor and several people are already taking advantage of the music.

I turn to Dane.  “Don’t I get to see upstairs?”

“Maybe,” he says and winds his hands around my waist.  “If you’re good.”

“Son,” a deep voice sounds to our left.

I turn to see an older man approach us, dressed in what appears to be a smoking jacket and holding a snifter glass.  He’s not wearing a mask and, when I focus on his face, I know what Dane will look like when he’s older.  Despite the gray at his temples and the laugh lines around his eyes he’s the spitting image of his son.

“Dad.”  Dane extends his hand toward his father.  Who shakes their parent’s hand?

Mr. Walker takes it and pumps it twice.  He has kind eyes, and they make me think that he’d rather give his son a hug.

When he regards me he asks, “Who is this radiant lady?”

Dane clears his throat.  “This is Emma.  Emma, Charles Walker.”

He reaches for my hand and I give it to him.  He simply squeezes my fingers and says, “It’s a pleasure to meet you.  You worked for me at the course this summer, yes?”

I nod.  “In the concession area.”

“I remember your name.  I also seem to remember you taking a swim in my waterfall.”

It’s a good thing I’m wearing a mask because I don’t remember this and it hides some of my confusion.  “I’m…”

“It wasn’t her,” Dane interrupts.  “I mean, she was there, but Matt and Shel were the ones actually in the water.”

I let out a breath.  What in the world were they doing?

Mr. Walker chuckles.  “If my club manager had his way you would’ve been fired.  It’s a good thing Dane was there to save you.”

What?  “I’m so sorry,” I apologize.

“Don’t worry.”  He gives me a genuine smile.  “It seems you two have a habit of saving each other from unpleasant things.  Bad engagements, for example.”

Heat rushes to my face, and I know my ears are flaming red.

“Dad!” Dane snaps at his father in a hushed tone.

“What?” he says innocently.  “I’ve just met her and I already like her better.”

“Dear.”  A woman approaches Mr. Walker from behind.  “The Thompson’s are here and Ken is looking for you.”

Charles grimaces and turns to me.  “Ken Thompson is a horse’s ass.”

I can’t help it and let out a small giggle.

“Lily,” Dane’s dad makes a sweeping gesture with his hand, “have you met Emma?  This is Dane’s lovely date.”

Dane’s stepmother politely smiles, but her mind is elsewhere as she tries to steer her husband in the direction of Ken Thompson.  She’s not wearing a mask either – why the masquerade then? – and she wears a black velvet pencil dress with a matching cropped jacket embroidered with a gold pattern.  Her brown hair is styled in a bob and streaked with gray in a classy way.

“Maybe we can talk later,” she says as she pushes Charles away from us.  “Enjoy yourselves.”

When they’re out of ear shot, I face Dane.  He runs his hand nervously through his hair and exhales slowly.

“I like your dad,” I say and step toward him, catching his hands in mine.  “You look a lot like him and he’s funny.”

He smirks like he doesn’t believe me and then takes advantage of how close we are to lower his lips to mine.  “I’ve been dying to do that since I saw you tonight,” he says.

I feel a hand around my arm and turn to face a smiling Shel.  “There you are!” she says and starts to pull me in the direction of the music.  “I need a dance partner.”

I laugh and follow her, leaving Dane with Matt.  They find a table at the edge of the dance floor as Shel and I take advantage of the music and the atmosphere.

After we’ve danced awhile, taken a break to eat, retrieved drinks from the bar, and danced some more, I realize I’m having a complete and total blast.  I can’t remember the last time I’ve laughed this much or felt so right.  Sitting across Dane’s lap with one arm wrapped around his shoulders seems like the most natural thing in the world.

A string of slow songs start and, by the second one, Dane lifts me off his legs and sets my feet on the floor.  He stands and informs Matt and Shel that not only has he lost circulation in his limbs, but he wants my undivided attention.  We dodge several couples on the dance floor before he finally decides to stop walking and gather me in his arms.  It just so happens he’s selected the furthest spot from our table to dance.

“Finally,” he says as he leans in to me.  He tries to rest his forehead on mine, but our masks rub uncomfortably against our skin.

“I’m taking this thing off,” he says and removes his costume piece.  His mask is plain black with a thin white line that traces the edge.

I push mine off my cheeks and up into my hair, wiggling my nose.  “That does feel better.”  Apparently, Dane doesn’t like where I leave it though, and he pulls it off my head entirely.

Turning, he sets both masks on a nearby chair.  When he looks back at me, I notice a red line under his left eye.  “Your mask left a mark.”  I smile and run my thumb across his skin.

He catches my wrist and gently kisses the inside of it.  He continues up my bare arm, leaving a trail to my elbow, before placing my hand on his shoulder.  As I try to breathe normally, I move my other hand to mirror the first and he wraps his arms around me, pulling me to him.  We barely move to the music.

“We are in a public place you know,” I say with my cheek pressed to his shoulder.  “Maybe we should attempt to look like we’re dancing?”

I feel his chest shake with laughter against mine and he turns us in a circle.  “Better?”

I lift my head and nod.  His hands move low on my hips and it takes only a second for his mouth to find mine.  I feel self-conscious and lean away.  “Public place,” I whisper.

The decision flashes in his eyes.  He steps back and takes my hand, leading me off the dance floor, through the kitchen, and down a hallway we didn’t explore before.  We come upon a sliding glass door which he opens and pulls me through.  As he closes it behind us and draws the shade, my line of vision is open to a glass room – a solarium.  Soft light surrounds us along with a multitude of potted plants.  A few chaise lounges and wicker chairs sit to our left, and to our right, the party tent butts up to where we’re standing.  I can hear the music clear as day.

“You grew up in the Boddy mansion,” I say referencing the game of Clue.

He laughs and wraps one arm around me again.  “I never thought of it that way.”  We start to dance and he brushes my hair away from my neck, zeroing in on my skin with his lips.

I tilt my head back and catch sight of the windows.  “Um…” I stand up straight.  “People can see us.”

He frowns.  “The only thing on that side of the house is a yard full of parked cars.”

“Yeah, but if guests are leaving…”

He smirks.  “I’m only kissing you.  Unless you think something else might happen.”  His expression turns serious as he stares into my eyes.  “I’ll gladly remove more than your mask,” he whispers.

My throat goes dry.  “I thought you liked my dress.”

“I do.  Very much.”

“But?”

He slides two fingers under my one strap and moves it an inch off my shoulder.  “I’ve seen what’s beneath it and I like that a lot, too.”

I can’t breathe and my knees nearly give out when I feel his mouth where my strap used to be.  He’s pushing boundaries he’s never pushed before, and I need to stop this before things get out of hand. There’s only one problem.

I don’t want to.

“Emma.”

When I hear my name it’s as if a bucket of cold water has drenched me from head to toe.  I quickly turn to see James standing a few feet from us, his arms crossed, and his expression serious.  I step back from Dane and adjust my dress.  “What is it?”

James takes me in, and I see his eyes widen at what I’m wearing.  He blinks and refocuses.  “It’s time,” he says.  “Jack says Garrett is in serious trouble.  We have to go.”

“Now?” I take a step forward.  I didn’t bring anything with me.  Not a change of clothes, not my anlace, nothing.

As if on cue The Larvatus appear beside him.  In her hands Madeline holds a stack of clothes.  She approaches me and hands over the garments.  “We’ll wait here.”

My heart pounds.  This is really happening.  I turn toward Dane, and he looks as if the wind has been knocked from his lungs.  Silently, he walks toward the sliding door and I follow.  He leads me a short way down the hall to a bathroom where he flips the light switch.  I step inside and before I can say anything he shuts the door behind me.

For a moment I stare at the back of the door speechless.  I know he’s unhappy and have no idea how to make it better.  Instead of dwelling on it, I change clothes.  Madeline has given me a pair of brown suede leggings, a plain white tank, and an olive green shift of some sort that belts at the waist.   When I look in the mirror, I realize I’m wearing the exact same outfit she is.  She’s also given me boots to match hers.

I emerge from the bathroom and quickly make my way back to the solarium.  Dane sits at the edge of one of the lounges with his elbows propped on his knees staring down at his hands.  When he realizes I’m back, his head snaps up and he stands.  James, Madeline, and Ash move toward me.

“Here.” Ash pulls an anlace from his belt.  “This one is enchanted.  Don’t forget.”

I tilt the knife in the light to reveal the amulet symbol on the blade.  I feel air brush the back of my neck and realize Madeline is behind me braiding my hair like hers.  She completes it in a matter of seconds.

“How will I know when you’ve returned?” Dane’s voice wavers.  He pretends to cough to cover it up.

Ash opens his mouth to answer just as I hear the sliding door open.  “Emma?  What in the hell are you wearing?”

I whip around to see Shel step over the threshold into the glass room with Matt close behind.

“We were at the bar when I saw you come out of the bathroom.”  She frowns.  “What is going –?”

She inhales sharply and reaches behind her to clutch at Matt’s chest.  He looks confused and grasps her hand as she twists his shirt in her fist.  The blood drains from her face, and I’ve never seen her so pale.  Matt follows her line of vision and I turn my head, too.

They’ve both seen James.

Chapter 16

“You’re not dead.”

Matt’s voice is barely audible.  He looks as if he can’t decide whether to be overjoyed or scared shitless.

James gives him a defeated smile.  “No.  Not anymore.”

Matt releases Shel’s hand and she steps away from him cautiously, like if she moves too fast James will disappear.  “Not dead,” she repeats, her voice small.  Her eyes dart from James to me.  “Why aren’t you freaking out?”

“Because I’m used to it,” I say, almost ashamed.  This is the biggest secret of secrets I’ve kept from her.  With good reason of course, but still.

She shoots me a bewildered look and the tension in the room is suffocating.  My heartbeat quickens and matches the rhythm of the party music next to us.  It’s steady and fast and growing faster.  How can I explain this?  Do I have time?

“Unfortunately no,” Ash reads my thoughts and moves to my side.  “Dane?”  He looks over his shoulder.   “Would you please escort your friends to our place?  You have our permission to use whatever you need there.  Explain things as best you can and we’ll assist once we return.”

Dane steps around Ash and reluctantly nods.  Matt stares at him in disbelief.  “You know about this?”

“He knows everything,” I say quietly.

My gaze falls on Shel whose color has yet to come back.  Actually, she’s looking more and more green the longer she stares at us.  I walk up to her and quickly gather her hands.  “You have to trust me.”  I focus on her face.  “You can ask Dane anything and he’ll give you honest answers.  When I get back you can interrogate me, too.  This is it my very last secret.  I have nothing else.  I promise.”

Her brow furrows.  “Where are you going?”

I put it as simply as possible.  “To save a friend.”

“It’s dangerous?” she asks and looks down at our hands.  “You need a knife?”

I follow her gaze and realize I’m still holding my anlace, except now it’s pressed between my palm and back of her hand.  I swallow.  “Yes.  But James and Madeline and Ash will be with me.”

She looks up and past my shoulder at the people behind us.  “Am I losing my mind?”

“No.”  I shake my head. “You’re completely sane.”

She tries to smile, but it twists with confusion.

“Emma.”  Madeline nudges my arm to pull me back.  “The sooner we go the sooner we’ll return.”

“Okay.”  I squeeze Shel’s hands to reassure her, but now that my friends know I’m headed into dangerous territory I’m beginning to feel nervous.  I step away from Shel to position myself between Madeline and Ash.

James takes a second to walk up to our friends.  He hesitates in front of them, unsure of what to say.  Matt tentatively extends his hand and when James takes it he looks astounded.  He pulls James forward into a one-armed hug and pounds his back.  “I can’t believe this,” he says into his shoulder.  “You’re fucking alive!”

James chuckles.  “Yeah, I am.”

When he removes himself from Matt he gently takes Shel’s hand.  “It’s me.  Don’t be scared.”  He pauses and glances in my direction.  “You know I’ll take care of her.”

She gives him a wary look.  I think her years of medical studies have been negated in a matter of minutes.

Madeline and Ash take my wrists as James moves beside us.  I close my eyes and try to feel weightless.

“Grace.”

My eyes pop open and I find Dane.  The look in his eyes is pleading.

“Come back to me.”

I open my eyes to find myself in the shadows beneath a stone arch.  I look both ways and see the sun reflecting off a paved path lined with trees and shrubbery.  The wind blows and rustles the autumn leaves causing a few of them to float silently to the ground.  I’m momentarily confused by the lack of fluffy clouds; it’s how Heaven is typically depicted.  Then I have to remind myself that this is not Heaven.  This is the Intermediate.

“It’s about time,” Jack says as he rounds the corner.

James snorts.  “Don’t get your panties in a bunch.  It didn’t take us that long.”

“You would’ve been here sooner if you didn’t have to collect party girl over there.”

I snap.  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means that while you were celebrating some stupid tradition my brother is this much closer to death.”  He holds his thumb and forefinger an inch apart.

“You know we can’t do this without Emma,” Ash chastises Jack.

He huffs and I read his thoughts.  “If we’re too late I’m holding her responsible.”

I arch an eyebrow.  “Then let’s get to it.”

Ash clears his throat.  “Across the street is the Allegiant headquarters.  We’re going to come at them on two fronts.”  He eyes Mad and I.  “Jack will guide you two to where the Guardians are being held.  Your goal is to release them and collect Garrett.”

“Where will you be?” I ask.

“James and I will wait here until Jack delivers you.  When he returns he will take us to Lucas.  With any luck, we’ll release our captives in roughly the same amount of time.”

“And then what?” James asks.

“We rendezvous back here,” Ash says.  “With both Garrett and Lucas in tow, we’ll your need help to manifest everyone back home.”

“Understood.”

“Jack will run interference between our two groups,” Ash continues.  “If some of us get into trouble he’ll alert the others.  This is Plan B.  If you receive word that there’s a problem, you will immediately abandon your mission to help the other team.  I don’t want any of us hurt or left behind.  If we can’t take care of this today we’ll try another.  Understand?”

Everyone nods.  I lace my fingers and crack my knuckles.  Let’s go save some Guardians.

Jack walks away from us and toward the left side of the arch.  Madeline and I follow and, when she passes Ash, she gives his arm a reassuring squeeze.  I look to James and he wears an interesting expression.  “You’ve got this,” he says, but his eyes say something different.  He’s worried.

Risking Jack’s wrath, I take an extra second to leave rank and wrap my arms around James.  I give him the quickest hug imaginable and then sprint a few steps to catch up behind Madeline.

Next to the arch is a grassy hill dotted with the trees I spotted earlier.  We make our way to the top and follow Jack alongside a paved street.  Why the afterlife needs roads, I don’t know.

“Walk next to me so it looks like we’re friends,” he whispers.

Madeline and I adjust our pace.  As we walk we pass several people – Guardians – milling about alone or in groups.  I glance from side to side and try not to look out of place.  No one gives us a second thought, that I can tell.  If a Guardian isn’t speaking with someone they look lost in their own world or sit with their eyes closed.  Connecting to their Wards, maybe?

It appears we’re exiting a park of some kind because ahead of us sprawls what I can only describe as a metropolis.  We reach the perimeter and continue across a large main street.  I look up and catch the sign – Central Park West.  Confused, I fall a step behind Jack as he leads us toward an impressive building where four white stone columns hug a multitude of stairs.  At the top of the structure, and in between the columns, are the words Truth, Knowledge, and Vision etched in stone.  In front of the stairs sits a bronze statue of a man riding a horse.  I squint to concentrate my line of sight.  According to the plaque the statue is of Theodore Roosevelt.  I glance to my right and notice another sign.  We’re headed to the Museum of Natural History.

What the hell?  I move to Madeline’s side and bump her arm so she’ll read my thoughts.

“Are we in New York City?”

She shakes her head.  “Only a replication.  The Allegiant alter the Intermediate daily.  Who wants to live for eternity in the same environment?”

I nod in understanding.  “When we go inside will it look like a museum?”

“No.”  She blinks.  “It’s just a façade.”

Jack leads us along the street casually, near the edge of the sidewalk directly in front of the museum.  We reach Teddy’s statue and pass it.  Was this not our destination?

Suddenly, he pulls us over and presses us back against the statues base, concealing us from view.  “We need to manifest inside,” he says to Madeline.  “Let me guide the way.”

Madeline takes my wrist and Jack grabs the other.

“We couldn’t manifest in there to begin with?” I whisper.  “Why risk being seen at all?”

Jack gives me an irritated look.  “You need to know how to get back to the arch.”

Oh.  Right.  “But, won’t the others notice us with Garrett?  If he’s really that weak he won’t be able to walk.”

Madeline waves her fingers.  “My reiki should be enough to get him there.”

Okay.  I’m going to shut up now.

The carbonated feeling builds inside my body until it disappears.  Before I open my eyes, I feel a soft mist and hear what I think is the quiet rush of water.  A moment later, I find that I’m correct; I am standing behind a waterfall.  But this isn’t a water-tumbling-over-rocks natural kind of waterfall.  This looks like something out of a sci-fi movie.

Controlled water pours gently from above, out of an unknown source, arcing over us like a smooth curtain as far as I can see.  It emanates a soft blue light which illuminates both Madeline and Jack.  I look around.  Is it lit from the other side?  What does it fall into?  Behind us is nothing but darkness and in front of us is a ledge.  Where do we go from here?

Jack steps back and begins to feel along what must be a wall.  I know he finds what he’s looking for when his hands disappear from sight.  There’s a hidden entrance.

“This way,” he says and vanishes.

Madeline and I give each other a wary look.  We feel our way carefully along the invisible wall, mimicking Jack, until we locate the open space he found.  I spread my arms wide when I step inside and trail my fingers along a smooth surface to both my right and my left.  We must be in a hallway of sorts.  It’s pitch black though, and I feel as if I may step into nothingness at any moment.

“A little light would be nice,” I mutter under my breath.

“Not when you want to keep something secret,” Jack says ahead of me.

We’re suspended in darkness for several feet until Jack’s silhouette gradually comes into view.  At a corner he stops and waits.  When I reach him, I look toward the next leg of our journey.  At the end of another dark hallway is a soft white light.  It reflects off the smooth black walls, and I can’t see anything beyond it.

Once Madeline joins us, Jack points.  “Down there is where you’ll find my brother and the others,” he says quietly.  “Once you release them you’ll need to bring them back to where we arrived.  None of us can manifest from any other point inside this area.”

“Why?” I ask.

“These walls are made of coal.”

“Coal?”

He looks impatient.  “It binds us here like it traps souls in Hell.”

My eyebrows shoot up.  Good to know.

“When you get to the waterfall manifest outside with the Guardians help.”  He takes a step away from us.  “Then get back to the arch.  The faster we do this the better.”

Madeline and I nod.

“I’m headed to Ash and James,” he says.  He turns on his heel and disappears the way we came.

Madeline focuses on my face and pulls her anlace from her belt.  “Ready?”

This telepathic communication is great when you’re trying to be stealthy.  “Yes.”  I follow her lead and clutch my weapon.

She walks tentatively, yet defensively down the next hall, sweeping it with her eyes.  After a few feet toward our destination, I choose to turn around and walk backward.  It’s probably best to keep an eye out behind us.  Who knows who might show up?  As far as I know, there’s only one way in and out of here.

The closer we get to the light the brighter it grows.  I have to squint even with my back turned.  I sense Madeline stop walking so I do, too.

“Look at this,” she says.

I turn around and shield my eyes.  The light is seeping through a fissure in the ground that runs the width of the tunnel.  It shines up the walls and hits the ceiling, essentially blocking our path like a door.

I look at her.  “I take it we go through?”

Madeline shrugs.  “I suppose so.  There’s no other way.”  She looks around then back at me.  “Jack could have been more specific.”

“He could be a lot more of things.”  I grimace.

She smiles.  Carefully, she extends her free hand toward the light and gently pushes it through.

“Anything?” I ask her.

She shakes her head.  “It doesn’t hurt.”

Good enough for me.  I walk around her and step completely through the light.

And into a room of really surprised people.

“Emma?”

My eyes swing to an older gentleman with glasses, sandy brown hair, and a graying mustache.  “Yes?”

He breaks out in a smile.  “It’s time, isn’t it?”

“Time to get you out of here?  Absolutely.”

Three women who were sitting on the floor scramble to their feet.  I recognize only one.  Meg.  When they stand they reveal Garrett laying the on ground.  I immediately look over my shoulder to make sure Madeline has followed me inside.  We lock eyes and then move toward him, causing the Guardians to step out of our way.

“Garrett?”  I stow my anlace and kneel beside him, feeling his forehead.  His eyes are closed and his skin feels clammy; he’s practically translucent.  My heart begins to race.

Madeline takes one of his hands and searches his wrist for a pulse.  “It’s there but it’s weak,” she says.  “Move back.”  I scoot to the side and she places her hands on either side of his head.

“We tried that,” a woman with black hair set in a bun says.  Her voice is full of concern.  “It’s not working anymore.”

Madeline gives her a reassuring smile.  “My Pax is a little stronger.”

My eyes meet hers.  “Pax?”

“Reiki,” she responds.

Madeline focuses and sends a wave of energy through Garrett’s body.  I can see it ripple over him like heat rising from hot pavement.  After a moment, his eyes slowly open and he registers her face.  “You’re here,” he croaks.

“Can you sit up?”  She slides her hand under his shoulder and wraps the other around his arm to pull him forward.  When he’s a few inches off the ground, I place my hands against his back to steady him.  He notices and looks over his shoulder.

“Hey,” he rasps.  “My date didn’t go so well.”

“You think?” I smirk.  “I know you didn’t want to spend time with Samantha, but this is a bit extreme.”

He gives me a tight smile.  I try to return it, but my face fades into seriousness. “I’m sorry,” I whisper.  “This is all my fault.”

He barely shakes his head.  “It’s not.”

It is.  If he had just stayed with me…I clear my thoughts.  Now’s not the time to assign blame.  “Can you stand?”

“I’ll try.”

Madeline and I help him to his feet.  This makes him dizzy and he leans against the wall for balance.  While he gets his bearings, I look around the room.  It’s rectangular with four walls and a ceiling made of coal.  The glow from the light door illuminates the space.  There’s nothing in here but four Guardians and us.

A young girl stares at me.  Her caramel colored eyes are panicked and stand out against her red hair.  I read her thoughts.  “Now what?  You came through the light.  How will we get out?”

“What do you mean?” I ask.

Her eyes grow wide.  “It’s true.”

“What’s true?”

“Garrett said you were Charmed.  He told us what happened and about the La..Lav…” she can’t say the word.

“Larvatus,” I say.

“Of course it’s true,” Meg says to the red-haired girl.  “Garrett wouldn’t lie.”  She leans forward.  “Do you remember us yet?”

She knows about my memory loss?  I guess they have had a lot of time to talk in here.  I shake my head.  “I don’t.”

“I’m Meg.”  She points to herself and then around the group.  “This is Jenna, Joss, and Thomas.”  They all give me warm smiles.

“Got it.  That’s Madeline,” I say and look toward her.  She flashes a quick smile our way as she tends to Garrett.  “As soon as we get out of here we’ll join James and Ash.”

I can help but notice Meg’s reaction when I say James’ name.  She lights up.

“Jenna,” I change tack, “what did you mean about my coming through the light?”

“Only The Allegiant can come and go,” she says.  “We can’t pass through.”

My face twists.  “It’s a one-way door?  How did Jack visit you?”

“He didn’t come all the way through,” Thomas says.  “Lucas told him to not to.”

Frowning, I walk around the Guardians toward the light and step through to the other side.  I have no problem going back and forth.  I reenter the room and look at Madeline.

“It’s an Allegiant creation to contain Guardians,” she says.  “They didn’t count on us.”

I stare at the light.  How can we get everyone to the other side?  I push and pull my hand back and forth through it.  It’s so bright.  What is it made of?  The only other light I’ve seen remotely like this came from James’ palm.

“That’s it.”  I turn toward Madeline who is still holding on to Garrett.  “We have to deflect it.”

She reads my mind.  “I think you’re right.”  She hands Garrett off to Thomas and moves to stand beside me.  I stare at her and ask, “Is he going to get any better?”

“I hope so,” she shoots back to me.  “Or we’ll have to carry him.”

That won’t go unnoticed.

I pull my anlace from my belt and Mad does the same.  “Try once first?” I ask.  She nods.

With all the strength we have, we thrust our weapons into the light and draw them to the side, like we’re cutting a piece of fabric.  My anlace vibrates in my hands almost uncontrollably, and I have to set my feet to remain standing.  But it works.  A dark space forms between our knives as if Madeline and I are drawing back a curtain.

The Guardians don’t hesitate; they know we don’t need another trial run.  First Jenna and then Meg sprint through the space.  Thomas needs a little help with Garrett and Joss assists him.  Once everyone is through, Madeline and I follow.  I look behind us and the curtain of light has fallen back in place.  No one will ever know.

“This way.”  Madeline steps to the front of the group to lead us out to the waterfall.  I relieve Joss of Garrett and pull his arm around my shoulders.  He leans against me as he tries to walk; his legs are like jelly.  Thomas supports his other side as we practically drag him along.  “I’m glad we’re not in a hurry,” I try to joke.

All Garrett can do is snicker.  His breathing is labored even with our assistance.

We make it to the waterfall, and Madeline changes places with Thomas at Garrett’s side.  She asks us all to join hands.  “We need your help to manifest out,” she says.  “Emma and Garrett can’t do it alone.  From there you can disappear to wherever you see fit.”

“If it’s all the same,” Thomas says, “I’d like to stay near you three.”

The other Guardians murmur in agreement.

“That’s fine,” Madeline says.  “Just try to look inconspicuous when we get out of here.”

The effervescence of manifestation builds inside my body and evaporates.  I’m getting used to this.  I feel Garrett’s weight against me and open my eyes.  We’re outside on the museum steps.  Time to move.

“You’re going to have to try and walk,” I tell Garrett.  “We need to get across the street.”

He gives me a frantic look.  Apparently, he hasn’t acquired the full use of his limbs.

“Forget it,” Madeline says.  “Let’s just go.”

Garrett tries to stand upright and walk between us, like he has his arms casually draped around two girls.  I doubt it looks anything but awkward.  The ladies move a few feet to our right and act like they are in the middle of a conversation.  Thomas heads off on his own independently, but still within earshot.  We begin to descend the staircase.  No more than three steps down Jack appears in front us, startling me.

“You have to get out of here!” he hisses.  “They know!”

How is that possible?  I read his scattered thoughts.  “Too many Allegiant!  James and Ash forced back!  They’re heading to the arch!”

I nearly drop Garrett.  “We have to help!”

“Get to the arch!” he says through gritted teeth.

My mind races.  Garrett is too weak.  We can’t bring him to a fight!  He’ll be picked off for sure.  I look around.  We can’t leave him here on the stairs, either.  He’s too sick; he needs to get back home now.  I look between Jack and Mad.  They’re the only ones who can get him there.  I shout my thoughts at Madeline.  “Use Jack and manifest Garrett home!  I’ll help James and Ash!”

Her eyes widen.  “They need both of us!”

I’m already several feet from her.  “That’s not going to work!  Just do it!”

I run in the direction of Central Park, blowing past other Guardians without a second thought.  After I cross the street, I sprint toward the bridge with the arch underneath, then scramble down the hill beside it.  I pause on all fours near the base and listen.  I hear grunting and scuffling, then a blast, and then the sound of rock scrabbling to the ground.  How many Allegiant are there?  I pause.  Does it matter?

Clutching my anlace, I launch my body off the hill and land with my feet shoulder width apart.  Fully exposed to the entrance of the arch, I quickly assess the situation.

There are two Allegiant engaging James and Ash.  They dance around one another in a flurry of body parts and light.  James trades beams with his attacker while the other dodges Ash’s knife.  I move into his line of vision.  “I’m here!”

“Move behind us!” he silently shouts.

I do as I’m told, and I instantly know what he’s trying to do.  He wants to back his attacker into my blade.

“Watch out!”

I duck.  A beam of light sails over my head, outside of the arch, and singes a few leaves off a nearby tree.  My face twists.  I’m not in the mood to be incinerated today.  I jump to my feet and race up behind Ash’s assailant.  Unfortunately, he turns and catches me with his elbow – in my throat.  I stagger backward, but stay on my feet and focus on breathing.  In, out, in, out.  My windpipe feels crushed.

The attacker gives me a curious look and moves toward me, but not before Ash catches him.  He wraps his arms around the Allegiant’s chest like a vise from behind.  I shake off my pain as the enemy struggles against him, realizing this is my shot.  I take it, running toward him, and driving my anlace straight into his gut.  He looks at me with wide eyes, his mouth forming an O, before bursting into dust.

The space that separated Ash and me becomes vacant, and I gaze at him in shock.  “I just killed someone.”

He gives me a curt nod.  “You sure did.”

Our attention turns to James; he is still dodging his assailant’s attempts to kill him.  Ash and I move in unison, parallel to one another, in an effort box them in.

“Get out of here Emma!” James shouts.

I shoot him a confused look.  Did he not just see me take out that other guy?  I have no qualms about hurting this one either; in fact I’m looking forward to it.

Suddenly, the remaining Allegiant’s arm shoots to the left, changing direction and catching Ash off guard.  He tries to dodge the beam of light, but he’s not quick enough and it slams him against the stone wall.  I see red and spring into action, heading for the enemy’s arm.  I want to rip it off.

Before I can get there, the Allegiant releases Ash and he crumples to the ground.  My mind scrambles.  Oh shit oh shit oh shit!  Half of me wants to check on him while the other half wants to continue the attack.  Ash’s eyes flutter and they catch mine.  “Give me a minute.  I’m all right.”  I center myself and focus.

James runs up on our attacker and barrels into his waist, shoving him back and sending them both to the ground.  I jump out of the way as they roll.  They tumble near Ash, fists flying.  It’s hard to make out who has the upper hand.  How am I supposed to get a clear shot?  One punch lands with a sickening thud and I wince.  James lies motionless on the ground as the Allegiant pushes off him.  My chest constricts as I stare at James.  How badly is he hurt?

“Get away from him!” I yell.

The attacker stands and I crouch defensively.  He turns and gives me a sick smile, allowing me to clearly see his face for the first time.  Why does he look familiar?

“Emma,” he sneers as he advances.  “It’s so nice to see you again.”

He knows me?  My mind reels.  Think, think, think!  I stare at him in confusion and not fear.  “Who are you?” I snap.

He stops in his tracks.  “You don’t remember?”  He looks pissed.  Super pissed.  “Allow me to jog your memory.”

He charges at me and I put my arms out to block him, catching his shoulders and pressing him back with as much strength as he exerts against me.  A look of shock flashes across his features.  Is he surprised I’m fighting back?  I push forward, our faces inches apart.  A vision returns to me from when my bracelet left my wrist.  It clicks.  Blond hair.  Distorted left eye.  But where are his glasses?

It’s Patrick.

I shove against him with everything I have and he stumbles.  “Don’t touch me,” I snarl.

He laughs.  “So you do remember.”  We begin to circle one another and he gives me a superior glare.  “Don’t worry.  I won’t have to touch you to hurt you like before.”

He unleashes a beam of light from his hand and I fall to the ground against my stomach to avoid it.  He jerks his palm toward me, and I roll then jump to my feet.  I need to work my way into him to have a chance at hitting him with my anlace.  In my periphery I see Ash move to his knees; he’s coming around.  I need to distract Patrick and buy time.

“When are you going to give this up?” I spit.  “Attacking me this summer wasn’t enough?”

“No,” he growls.  “Kellan found me and made me immortal for one small price.  I merely have to work for him and kill you and your friends.  I told him I wouldn’t mind; it’s an easy price to pay.”

Kellan turned him Allegiant to make him his lackey?  To what levels will this man stoop?  I’m sure he assumed my seeing Patrick would make me vulnerable.  Little does he know I have virtually no memory of his assault.  Seeing Patrick doesn’t faze me.  It only fuels my desire to eliminate him.

“I’m sorry to disappoint you.” I give him a wicked smile.  “But your debt will remain unpaid.”

“I beg to differ,” he says and charges.

I allow him to come at me and then spring to the side at the last second.  I need to turn us around, so I can back him up toward Ash.  I dodge his punches and attempt a roundhouse kick.  He grabs my ankle and twists my leg causing me to fall and land hard against my shoulder.  Pain sears through my back and I gasp.

“I figured you’d be more scared of me,” Patrick gloats as he grips my leg.  “I have to admit this is kind of fun.  You’re not the same Emma from months ago.”

I grimace.  “No shit Sherlock!  When do you figure that out?  When I showed up in the Intermediate or when I kicked your friend’s ass?”  I’m not backing down.

“He wasn’t my friend,” he says referring to the dead Allegiant.  “Just another piece in Kellan’s game.”

I twist my body and move my arms, which makes my shoulder throb.  I set my hands and push my upper body off the ground, yanking my foot from Patrick’s grasp.  I scramble backwards and get to my feet.  My eyes sweep under the arch for James and Ash.  Ash now stands, but James has disappeared.  Where did he go?  My heart starts to pound.

“Push him outside!” Ash sends me his thoughts.

Patrick comes at me again.  I grip my anlace and ready myself.  I take a swipe at him and he jumps out of the way.  I circle around him and try again.  He dodges.  He throws a beam of light and I weave to the right.  Another beam, another swipe.  After a few more attempts I’ve worked Patrick outside the arch.  Now what?

Suddenly, James drops from above, landing on Patrick’s shoulders and smashing him to the ground.  He must have crawled to the top of the bridge while we fought.  He wraps one arm around Patrick’s neck and the other around his chest, pulling his body back and jerking Patrick to his knees.  He holds him in place as he struggles and shouts, “Emma now!”

In two strides I stand directly in front of Patrick.  I raise my anlace in both hands and a look of terror crosses his face.  I imagine it’s the same look he saw in my eyes this summer.

I bring my weapon down.

He explodes into nothing.

Chapter 17

We appear in a room that overflows with concerned faces.  Madeline and Dane.  Matt and Shel.  Thomas, Joss, Jenna, and Meg.  Jack looks less impressed.

“Thank God,” Madeline sighs.  She sprints to Ash, weaves her arms around his waist, and buries her head against his chest.  He lets go of my hand and envelops her.

James releases my other hand and makes a fist.  “Nice job, Donohue.”

I smirk and bump my fist against his.  “Ditto, Davis.”  This is a much more subdued celebration than the one we had after Patrick’s demise.  James gave me a hug so tight it put pressure on my heart.  Then he laid a kiss on me to match.

“Hey there, kid.”  Thomas approaches us and gives James a hearty slap on the shoulder.  Meg, Joss, and Jenna are right behind him to greet their friend and I step aside, allowing them to get reacquainted.  From what I’ve been told they haven’t laid eyes on each other in two months.

My attention is drawn across the room and meets Dane’s gaze.  Relief visibly washes through him and he stands.  I notice he’s still wearing his tux; although, his tie and jacket are gone, and his collar hangs open.  My eyes bounce to Matt and his outfit is the same; Shel has changed and must have borrowed something from Madeline to wear.  I immediately make my way toward them and Dane meets me half way.  He wraps me in his arms and I try not to wince.

“What’s wrong?”  He steps back, tentatively holding my shoulders.

“Nothing,” I lie.  Now that I’m not distracted by fighting Allegiant ex-lab partners, my injuries are starting to show.  My throat aches with every swallow and my shoulder has decided to lock up.  “I’m just a little sore.”

“From what?”

“What do you think?” I smile.  I don’t want to worry him; the tender muscles will heal within days.  It’s a Larvatus perk.

“This one,” Ash appears by my side, “is one tough little fighter.  She took an elbow to the throat and remained standing.  I know guys twice her size that move would’ve laid out.”

Dane’s eyes grow dark and his jaw tenses.  He looks at me.  “You call that nothing?”

“I…”

“The blow to your shoulder was probably just as bad,” Ash continues.  “We should really look at it.  Even though it will heal quickly, ice may help the swelling.”

“What kind of blow?” Shel steps beside me, her medical training kicking in.  “Was the joint dislocated?  Can you move it?”

I roll my eyes and raise my left arm up and down even though it kills me to do so.  “Yes, I can move it.  Relax.”

“What happened?” Dane asks.

“I got tripped up,” I sigh.  “I tried to kick Patrick, but he caught my ankle and I fell on my shoulder.”

“Patrick?”  His eyes grow wide.  “How in the hell is he involved?”

“Kellan turned him Allegiant to aggravate Emma,” James says from behind us.

Dane’s eyes dart to him and back to me.  I set both hands on the sides of his face while a self-satisfied smile plays on my lips.  “Don’t worry.  We took care of him.”

“You did,” James says.  “I only held him down.”

I look at him over my shoulder.  “I wouldn’t have been able to do it alone.”

“Yeah, yeah, you two make a great team,” Dane mutters under his breath.  He hands me off to Shel who winds an arm around my waist.  “Let’s get you checked out, okay?”

I know I’m fine, but I allow them to dote on me.  This night has been rough on everyone, and I’m sure they want some semblance of control.  Matt and Shel have to be so confused and Dane is just straight up worried.  I walk next to Shel as she steers us toward the hallway off The Larvatus’ great room.

“I’ll come with you and check on Garrett,” Madeline says and starts to follow us.

How could I have forgotten about Garrett?  I stop walking.  “Is he all right?”

Madeline turns her big green eyes on me as Shel responds.  “He’s stable.”

I frown.  “What does that mean?”

“He’s unconscious,” Madeline says as she reaches my side.  “Your friend can explain more.  We’re lucky to have her.”

My eyes swing to Shel.  “C’mon,” she says and pulls me forward.  “Let’s look at you first.  He’s not going anywhere.”

We make it to a spacious bathroom where Shel closes the door behind us.  “Take off that mess.”  She indicates my shift.

It takes me a minute, but I do as I’m told.  My shoulder is throbbing.  I pull the green top over my head to reveal the white tank underneath.  Shel steps behind me and gasps.

“Jesus Emma!”  She gingerly slides the left strap off my shoulder.  “Your skin is a rainbow.”

“Not a pretty one?” I smirk in the mirror.

“These particular shades of green and yellow are never a great combination.”  I see her brow furrow over my shoulder and feel her trace the outline of my injury.  “Move your arm,” she instructs me and I do.  “Now try to roll your shoulder.”

OW!  I bite my lip to keep from cursing.  “That hurts.”

She steps around me.  “I figured as much.  You’ve sprained it and given yourself one heck of a bruise; although, the coloring indicates it’s already healing.  It should be gray and purple for having just happened.”

“See?  It’ll be fine in a day or two.”

She squints at my neck.  “You’ve got another one there from the elbow.”

I lean forward and notice my throat is faintly yellow.  “No one will notice.”

She sighs.  I can see her eyes begin to tear in the light of the bathroom fixture as she says, “Let me get you some ice.”

She starts to walk away and I grab her wrist.  “Are you okay?”

She looks at me and tries to blink away her tears.  “Yes…no.  I’m not sure.”

I pull her further into the bathroom where I lower the toilet lid and have her take a seat.  I set myself next to her on the edge of the tub and grasp her hand.  “Talk to me,” I say quietly.

“You’re hurt and you don’t care,” she says.  “You should care.”

“Trust me, I do,” I say to reassure her.  “But, I know I’ll be better soon, so it’s not a huge deal.”

“It is so a huge deal!” she exclaims.  “You could have been killed!  Someone – Patrick of all people – tried to kill you!  That’s important.  It’s serious,” she emphasizes.  “You cannot die on me.”  Tears trickle down her cheeks.

“I know this seems scary, but it’s who I am now.”  I clutch her hand.  “Did Dane talk to you?  Did you ask him questions?”

She nods as she looks down.  “He said he told us everything he knew.”

“Do you believe him?”

Her head snaps up.  “How can I not?  I saw you evaporate in front me!  Then, I saw you reappear.  And James is alive,” her voice breaks on the word alive.  Suddenly, her expression morphs into one of concern.  “How have you been dealing with this for so long?”

I shrug my good shoulder.  “I don’t know.  I can’t remember anything Guardian related past a month ago.  Did Dane tell you about my memory?”

“Yes.”  She looks at our hands.  “He told us your bracelet blocks it for some reason.  He also said it gives you your abilities.  I guess I know why you won’t take it off now.”

“What happened saved me, Shel.  Without it I’d be dead.”

She takes a shaky breath.  “I know.”  A tear winds its way to her chin and she wipes it away.  “Dane said you saved his life.”

“So I’ve been told.”  I give her a tiny smile.  “And I’d do it again in a heartbeat.  For any of you.”

She studies my face and then pulls me forward to wrap her arm around my neck.  “When did you get so brave?” she whispers.

That’s easy.  “Since the people I love were threatened.”

She squeezes me.  “This is amazing, but really messed up.  How am I supposed to be a medical professional when I know people can be resurrected from the dead?”

I laugh against her shoulder.  “That is twisted.”

She leans away.  “Your erratic behavior is more easily explained now.”

“I’m sure.”  I smile.  I look at her and a calm feeling settles over me.  I have someone to talk to about this.  An outsider to give me perspective.  My best friend.  “I’m so glad you know,” I say, relieved.  “And Matt, too.  I won’t have to lie anymore.  And James needs his friends.  I’m sure he’s ecstatic to have you guys back.”

“Speaking of,” she clears her throat and raises an eyebrow at me.  “What in the world is going on?  You’re seeing Dane and James?  That’s…it’s…”

“Crazy, I know.”  I let out a heavy breath.  “My feelings for both of them are trapped in my memories.  We’re trying to build new ones.”

She gives me a sly smile.  “How’s that working out for you?”

I playfully swat her leg.  “It’s a day by day thing.”

“So, what are you going to do?” she asks.  Leave it to Shel to get right to the juicy stuff.  “Do you have a chart where you compare them against one another?  A column for personality, a column for looks, one for kissing, one for…”

“No!” I laugh.  “We have rules.”

“What?” she giggles.  “Tell me!”

“I won’t do with one what I won’t do with the other.”

Her mouth falls open, and I know what she’s thinking.  “No clothes come off ever,” I stress.  “Making out is as far as it goes.”

She makes a face.  “I was joking about the kissing!  They’re okay with this?”

“Should they not be okay with it?”

“Emma,” she chastises me.  “The James I know would never let another guy come within a ten mile radius of you let alone touch you!  And Dane…he’s head over heels in love!  You two, you know, in St. Thomas…”

I gape at her.  “He told you about that?”

“You both did!  I mean neither of you denied it while feeding me that story about needing a vacation.”

My face turns red.  “I don’t remember any of it.”

“You don’t remember sleeping with him?”

I shake my head.  “Or James.”

“Wow.”  Her mouth forms a huge O on the ow.  “I thought you’d at least remember Dane.  He’s not a Guardian.”

“But, all of our time together is due to Guardians,” I explain.  “Our whole relationship is wrapped around them.”

Her eyes search my face and she tilts her head, propping her chin on the heel of her hand.

“What?”

“I’m curious,” she says slowly.  “Do you think you guys would still have a connection if you eliminated all the supernatural stuff?”

I blink at her.  That’s an excellent question.

A knock interrupts us and my body jerks.  “Everything all right?” Dane is on the opposite side of the door.

“Yes,” I automatically respond.  “Can you bring us some ice?”

“Sure thing.”  I hear him walk away.

“So?” Shel asks quietly.

It’s true she’s given me something to ponder.  I’m not going to figure out my romantic life in the next five minutes, so I concede.  “I’d like to think we would.  He’s a great guy.”

She pats my knee, and I stand to open the door so Dane can enter when he returns.  As we wait, I think.  Would Dane want me if I had just been a normal girl when we met?  If he didn’t help free me from – what did he say? – a protective shell?  My demeanor this summer should have been a turn off except he’s proven over and over again that he enjoys a challenge.  Is that what I am to him?

Moments later, he appears with a plastic bag full of ice.  “Which shoulder?” he asks.

I turn and point to my left.  He steps toward me and grimaces.  “Damn,” he mutters.  “Are you sure it’s not broken?”

“Dr. Moore says it’s only a sprain and it’s healing.”  I wink at Shel.

He places the bag against my skin, and I reach up to hold it in place.  “Thanks.”

“Have you seen Garrett?” he asks.

“Not yet.  Let’s go.”

I follow Dane and Shel a few steps down the hallway to a bedroom.  When I enter I’m not prepared for what I see, and the bag of ice slips from my hand.  Dane catches it.

Garrett lies pale and motionless in the middle of a twin bed.  His head is propped on two pillows and his arms lay outside the blankets that are pulled to his chest.  A bedside lamp provides the only light in the room; it casts eerie shadows across his body and face.  One of those shadows looks like an IV pole.  Wait.  It is an IV and it’s dripping into his arm.

“Where did you get that?” I ask.

“Matt’s clinic,” Shel answers as she rounds the bed.  “It’s the best I could do on short notice.  Tomorrow, I’ll head to the hospital and get him some TPN.”

I stare at her confused.

“Total parenteral nutrition,” she clarifies.  “He’s extremely dehydrated and malnourished.”  She gently picks up his wrist and checks his pulse.  “His heart rate remains steady,” she says almost to herself as her fingers travel to the side of his neck.  “If I could get him hooked up to a monitor I’d feel better about keeping tabs on him.”

“He won’t wake up?” I move to stand beside her.  “He was talking in the Intermediate.”

“He collapsed as soon as he arrived with Madeline and Jack,” Dane says.

“I didn’t have to do CPR, so I don’t suspect any brain damage,” Shel continues.  “But I’m not a doctor yet.  I know he needs rest and fluids.  Without taking him to the hospital, we’ll just have to wait and see.”

“Why can’t we take him to the hospital?” I look from her to Dane.

“If we register him as a patient Kellan can easily find him.  At least that’s what Madeline said.”

“Then we use a fake name,” I say adamantly.  “He needs our help.”

“Em,” Dane says.  “He can still search who was admitted and on what date.”

I let out a frustrated sigh and reach around Shel to grasp Garrett’s hand.  He feels cold to me.  “Do you think he needs another blanket?”

Shel looks around the room.  When she doesn’t immediately find more bedding she opens the closet to search.

“Garrett?” I lean over him.  “Can you hear me?  Are you cold?”

Nothing.  No response.  An ache in my chest starts to build over the one in my shoulder.  What if he doesn’t wake up?  I think of Jack.  He must be livid.  He said he’d hold me responsible if anything happened to his brother.  In all honesty, I will hold myself responsible too.

“Garrett,” I say again, “we’re going to get you some type of food soon.  Stay strong.  You’ve come too far to give up now.”

“I don’t think he has any intention of giving up,” Dane says, suddenly behind me.  “He just needs time to heal.  He’s still turning human after all.”

This is true.  It makes sense his body would be overwhelmed by all the stresses on it.  That wouldn’t be easily explained to a doctor or a surgeon.

“Here.”  Shel pulls a blanket out of a dresser drawer.  She unfolds it and I grab one end.  Carefully I place it over Garrett, lifting his arms and tucking it around him.  “Better?” I ask as if he’ll respond.

He doesn’t even twitch.

Dane gently touches my arm.  “Let’s get you home.  You need to rest.”

“No.”  I brush him off.  “Someone needs to stay here in case he wakes up.”  I glance around the room and notice an overstuffed armchair.  “I’ll sleep here.”

“You will not,” Dane’s tone is stern.  “You can’t sleep in a chair with your shoulder the way it is.”

“Watch me.”  Why is he giving me a hard time?

“Guys,” Shel interrupts.  “When I told Madeline I’d have to leave to get supplies she volunteered to keep an eye on Garrett.  I think he’s in good hands.”  She eyes me.  “Go home and get some sleep.  I know I have to if I’m going to be of any use tomorrow.  There’s nothing anyone can do until I get the TPN anyway.”

I sigh.  I don’t want to leave Garrett.  He looks awful.  But, I trust The Larvatus.  Besides, they can reiki him, or Pax him, or whatever if necessary.  Not that it’s helping now.

“Fine, but I’ll be back,” I say stubbornly.  “What time do you think you’ll be here?”

Shel thinks about it.  “I’ll call you.  It depends on how long it takes me to borrow what we need.”

Great.  I realize Shel can get into some serious trouble over this and suddenly I feel tired and defeated.  “Be careful.  Don’t get arrested for stealing.”

Her expression twists as she walks toward me.  “You do remember who you’re talking to, right?  I don’t get caught doing anything.”  She grins.

As we leave the room, I give Garrett one last glance.  Please be okay, I silently pray.  Please.

When we make it back to the living room, we catch Ash in the middle of describing what took place in the Intermediate.  Madeline sits next to him, and I catch Matt standing near the corner.  I break my own rule and read his thoughts.

“When can we get out of here?” he mutters.  “This is too much for one night.”

My heart goes out to him.  I glance around the rest of the room and find the other Guardians standing about sporadically, except for Meg.  She’s sitting conspicuously close to James on one of the couches, and her hand rests on his knee.  I can’t help it and one eyebrow shoots up.  Really?  She doesn’t waste any time does she?

James jumps to his feet when he spots me and everyone turns my way.  “How’s your shoulder?”

“Fine.”  I take the bag of ice from Dane and set it back on my skin.  “Garrett’s the one you need to worry about.”  I glance at Ash.  “What did I miss?”

“I was saying that we’ll need to regroup and strike again to retrieve Lucas.  It shouldn’t be too hard if we’re not separated.  I think we took out the majority of the new Allegiant we came across tonight.”

“How many were there?”

“James and I encountered six.  We barely took out two before realizing how outnumbered we were.  I demanded James abort the mission and then two of them followed us to the arch.  You know what happened after that.”

“So when do we go back?  We can’t allow Kellan much time to create more.”  If we do we’ll just end up in an endless cycle of cat and mouse.

“Our good friends over here are going to make sure where we stand.”  Ash glances toward the other Guardians.  “They’ll let us know if Kellan has anymore Allegiant hiding in the wings.  Once we know exactly what we’re dealing with, we’ll return.  Today was a close call.  I don’t want that happening again.”

I couldn’t agree more.

Ash stands and addresses the group.  “I believe everything we need to talk about has been discussed.  Mad and I are ready to call it a night; we need to keep an eye on Garrett.  You’re all more than welcome to stay here if you’d like.”

James looks at me expectantly.  Is he kidding?  I’m sure Meg would rather I didn’t.  My eyes dart to her, and my mind hears her southern twang.  “Please say no.”

Her comment tips my mental scale, and the weight of everything that’s happened today settles on my shoulders.  My friends know everything.  I killed two people.  One of them was Patrick.  I got a little beat up.  Garrett is really sick.  Meg wants time with James.  And we still have to rescue Lucas.

I need to be alone.

“I’m headed home.”  I take a step.  “For someone who doesn’t tire easily my bed is calling.”

James stops me.  “You can’t go home.”

“Why?”  Dane and I give him confused stares.

“When we were in the Intermediate I managed to get some information out of Patrick.  I read his mind, but it wasn’t giving me what I wanted to know.  I demanded he tell me how he got there and of course his smug ass told me.”

“What did he say?”

“That Kellan found him through Garrett’s memories.  Remember how Jack told us Garrett’s mind had been read?”

My eyes dart to Jack and I nod.

“Garrett knew about Patrick because he tried to help me over my guilt from your attack.  Kellan tried to use Patrick to get under your skin.  Think about it.  If he knows all about you from Garrett’s memories with me then he knows where you live.  How many times have I been to your house?  How many times did Garrett pull me away from you this summer?”

I can’t answer him because I don’t remember.  All my body registers is the feeling of an invisible elephant sitting on my chest.  “I need to get my parents out of there,” I whisper.  “If he used Patrick then what’s to stop him from using them?”  I’m terrified.  What am I going to do?

Instantly, Ash is at my side.  “It doesn’t work that way,” he calms me.  “He can’t turn the living without their permission.  The only reason it worked with Patrick is because his mind was sick and he had no better option.  I doubt your parents would agree to die and become one of Kellan’s minions.”

I give him a wary look.  “He can’t force them?”

He shakes his head.  “There are rules they have to follow, too.  Safeguards.  The position holds great responsibility; they wield a lot of power.  We wouldn’t want a rogue Allegiant getting a big head and trying to rule the Intermediate and world now would we?” He attempts to smile.

Relief floods my body.  Thank God.

Ash isn’t finished.  “I do agree with James, however.  It’s not safe for you to be home alone.  At least one of us should be with you in case Kellan sends multiple Allegiant.”

Not this again!

“She can stay with me,” Dane volunteers.  “Garrett has never been to my place.”

“You cannot defeat an Allegiant,” James says, his jaw tense.  “Kellan has read Lucas’ mind.  Obviously, he knows who you are.  Your potential father-in-law never visited your apartment?”

Dane looks irritated.  “Physically, no.  But he does know my address.  It’s in my employee file.”

Well that screws that.  “I guess I’m staying here then.”  I look to Madeline.  “Which room would you prefer I take?”

“Wait a minute,” Dane stops me.  “How are you going to explain moving out to your parents?  ‘Hey, by the way, I don’t want to live with you anymore?  I’m moving out with some random people you don’t know?’  Come on, Em.”  Clearly he doesn’t want me staying here.

“I could stay at your house invisibly for most of the time,” James pulls my attention from Dane.  “That eliminates the moving out problem.”

It’s too late for this insane Ping-Pong of arguments.  I look at Meg.  She’s not happy.  I look at Dane.  He’s not happy.  “Enough!” I step away from them.  “I’m staying with Shel for the night.”  I glance at Matt.  Now he’s unhappy.  Ugh!  “Never mind,” I sigh.  “The easiest thing is for me to stay here for now.  We’ll figure something out in the morning.  Mad?” I glance at her again.

“You know,” Ash says, “not that it will help immediately, but moving in with Dane isn’t out of the question.”

What?  My eyes flash to James.  Now he’s pissed.

“What do you mean?” Dane asks.

I stare at Ash and read his thoughts.  He can’t be serious!

“Mad and I could Gift you,” he says aloud to Dane.  “We always need more Charmed, and I believe you’re worthy of The Larvatus.  What do you say?” he asks.  “Care to join our team?”

Chapter 18

“Absolutely not!”

Dane looks at me in shock.  “Excuse me?”

I slap my hand over my mouth.  Did I say that out loud?  His eyes bore into mine, hard and intense.  He’s angry.

“Perhaps this is a discussion for another time,” Ash says diplomatically.

“No, it’s a discussion for now.”  Dane’s neck flexes.  “In private.”

My stomach twists into a hard knot.  I’ve truly upset him, and I wasn’t trying to.  I turn my weary eyes to Madeline and she reads my thoughts.

“There are four bedrooms upstairs,” she says.  “Take your pick.”

I start to walk away, and James grabs my arm.

“You don’t have to explain yourself to him,” he says.  He turns and shoots daggers at Dane.  “I think it’s clear how she feels.  Leave it alone.”

Dane’s eyes flash.  “Let her go.”

The grip on my arm tightens.

Have these two lost their minds?  Everyone in this room must think we’re nuts!  “James, let go.”  I brush his hand and it falls from my arm.  “I don’t have a problem explaining what I said.”

Dane looks vindicated as I step around him, and I sense him follow me as I head up the stairs.  I don’t bother to say good night, or nice to meet you, or see you later to anyone.  I just head to the first empty room I find.

Dane shuts the door behind us.  “Why did you say that?” he demands.

“I’m sorry.  It was a gut reaction.”

“To what?  The idea of my being like you?  Why is that so repulsive?”

I frown.  “It’s not repulsive.  It’s uncalled for.”

“How so?”  He takes two steps to stand directly in front of me.  “I could protect you; we could protect each other.”

“I know.”

“You know?”  He scowls.  “Then give me a good reason not to march back downstairs and demand to be Charmed tonight.”

I stare at him wide-eyed.  “You would do that?”

“Hell yes I would do that!  If it means protecting you.  If it means we could spend more time together.  I’d do it in a second.”

My face pinches.  I try to speak, but my thoughts won’t form sentences.  He shouldn’t want to drastically alter his life for me; he should want do it for himself.

“Say something,” he says and grasps my arms.  “Give me a good reason not to do this.”

I stare into his hazel eyes, the flecks of green burning bright with his intense words.  I say the first thing that comes to my mind.  “I don’t want you to change your life for me.”

His eyes narrow.  “Or is it that you don’t want me cutting into your time with James?”

What?  I shake my head violently.  “No!  That thought never crossed my mind!”  No wonder he’s so angry.  “I simply don’t want you to become something you’re not because of me!  You should want to do it for yourself.  What if you hate it?  I don’t want that guilt.”

He gives me an uncertain look.  “So it’s all about you?”

“No,” I sigh as I remove his hands from my arms.  “It’s entirely about you.  If you choose this life you should do it because you want to live it.  Not because you felt compelled to do it for me.  I would never ask you to give this much of yourself.  I won’t ask you to.  This shouldn’t be a rash decision.”

He studies my face and then the floor, hopefully digesting my words.  After a few moments, he looks at me again.  “And if I decide I want it?  Would you be upset?”

“No,” I admit honestly.  “Not after you’ve spoken to Ash about what it involves and given it some real thought.”

He sighs, rubs his tired eyes, then reaches for me.  “Come here.”

As I walk into his arms, I wrap mine around his waist.  He pulls me to his chest, and I bury my head under his chin.  “This is not how I hoped this night would end,” he says against my hair.  “Some New Year’s Eve.”

My embrace tightens.  “I think its New Year’s Day now.”

He nods in agreement.  “Being stuck here with Matt and Shel drove me out of my mind.  All I kept thinking was that you should be safe with me and wearing that amazing dress.”

I lean away from him.  “If I recall the evening correctly you wanted me out of that dress, mister.  I don’t know how safe I was.”

He smirks.  “Your memory has suddenly become infallible.”

I laugh as his hands start to move against my back.

“Do you think I could get that kiss we missed at midnight?”

“Sure,” I say and then arch a brow.  “As long as you promise not to make any hasty decisions when it comes to your humanity.”

He pauses to consider my request.  “Will dwelling on it for a couple of days suffice?”

“Make it a week and I’ll give you more than one kiss.”

He doesn’t hesitate.  “Done.”

An exasperated sigh escapes me.  “You give in too easily.”

He lowers his gaze and holds his lips centimeters from mine.  “When are you going to figure out I can’t resist you?”

“So what did you tell your parents?”

I slam the car door behind me.  “That I’m a supernatural force of nature and I have to save our little piece of the world from impending doom.”

Shel gives me a sarcastic stare.

“They told me to have fun and be careful,” I tease.

She groans.  “I still don’t think any of this is funny.”

“You need to lighten up,” I tell her and turn the key in the ignition.  “I told them we’re on a pre-semester vacation just like we talked about.”

A few days, and several discussions later, I find myself faking a girl’s trip because I’m stuck with The Larvatus for the foreseeable future.  Rather than making up daily lies to feed my parents about why they never see me, Shel and I came up with the idea for a faux winter trip.  Supposedly we’re headed to her aunt’s place in Traverse City while, in reality, I’ll be fifteen minutes away practicing defensive maneuvers and keeping vigil at Garrett’s bedside.  My lie buys me one week of time; after that, I’ll have to come up with something else.

“I’m surprised Matt didn’t ask you to watch the game with him,” I say as we back out of her driveway.  “He misses you.”

“How do you know?  Did you read his thoughts?”

“Maybe.”

“You’re such a freak!” she laughs.  “He did ask, but I really have no interest in sports.  Besides, I need to make sure both you and Garrett are still in one piece.”

Her concern makes me smile.

“So,” she pauses to pop some gum in her mouth, “have you seen Dane?  Or is he still working ungodly hours?”

“Still working.”  I frown.  “This year-end financial stuff is no joke when it’s never been your responsibility before.”

I haven’t seen Dane in days.  As soon as he got back to work, Teagan gave him the task of reviewing the reports for Legionnaire’s annual audit.  He’s nervous he is going to miss something important, and he’s been putting in extra time.  When he gets home he calls, usually after ten o’clock.  Last night all I got was a text:

Finally home.  Management is not my calling.

I’m sure you’re doing great.

We’ll see.  I miss you.

Miss you too.

“He won’t change his mind about moving in?  Even for a little while?” Shel asks.

“I told you,” I say as we stop at a light.  “He can’t stand James.  You saw how they acted the last time they were together.  Dane says he doesn’t want to fight and he’s sure he will, given how stressed he is.  He was kind of embarrassed about it the last time.”  Dane told me he felt like an ass getting into it with James in front of The Larvatus and every Guardian we know.  While he’s not happy about my living situation, he understands why it is the most logical choice for me.  It’s just not the best choice for him.

“Has he mentioned which way he’s leaning on the Charmed thing?”

He hasn’t, and I secretly hope he’ll forget the whole idea.  He’s been too preoccupied to consider it for the right reasons.  “No, and I haven’t brought it up.  He has enough to deal with.”

Shel stares out the window and chews.  “You’ve got that right.  Working with Teagan would suck the life out of anyone.”  She turns to me.  “You don’t think she’s keeping him late at the office on purpose do you?”

I shoot her a confused look.  “How do you mean?”

“What do you mean how do I mean?!  She’s his ex-fiancée that has yet to get over him.  You don’t think she might be creating more work than necessary to worm her way back into his life?”

The idea sounds foreign to me.  “I hadn’t considered that, no.”

Shel crosses her arms.  “You can be so naïve sometimes.”

“Thanks a lot!”

“Have you forgotten who you’re dealing with?  This is the woman who held Dane’s job over his head to make him marry her.  The same person who let herself into his place and waited for him in his bed after he broke it off with her!  She is the evil wench who anonymously sent you an article about her return to town and upcoming wedding.  It was how you found out about Dane’s engagement in the first place.”

Is she kidding?  He didn’t tell me about the engagement himself?

Shel takes in my bewildered expression and her eyes grow wide.  “Of course you don’t remember!  It’s all blocked.”

She’s got that right.  “Is there anything else I should know?”

“She’s frickin’ gorgeous.”  Shel scowls.  “Why is it the pretty ones are always so mean?”

I shrug.  From the brief absence of my jewelry, I remember Teagan’s appearance; she was dressed as Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz.  Even so, I have to agree she is beautiful.

“That girl doesn’t play,” Shel continues.  “Last I heard she still refuses to take off Dane’s ring.  You might want to pay an unannounced visit to the office to check her, to let her know you’re still in the game.”

My face twists.  I don’t play games.  “Do you think Dane would go back to her?”

“Do I think he would give up on you for her?  No.  Do I think she will try everything in her power to convince him otherwise?  Yes.”

A vision of them staying late at the office, sharing takeout, jumps in my head.  My mind sets a scene where she blatantly reaches across the desk in front of him for some papers, her low cut top and barely work appropriate skirt advertising everything she has to offer.  Things I don’t own and aren’t willing to give up.  A sour taste appears in the back of my throat.

“Are you trying to make me sick?”

Shel’s expression turns sympathetic.  “I’m not,” she sighs.  “If it makes you feel better our waitress was flirting with Matt during dinner yesterday and I wanted to slap her.”

“Was he flirting back?”

“Of course not.  He’s oblivious to that stuff most of the time.  I just don’t get why people can’t let other people be.  If it’s clear someone is in a relationship just walk away.”

I murmur my agreement.

“Take Meg for example.  She knows you and James are still involved; she’s known about you from the beginning.  Do you think she could tone down the flirting a little?  Holy cow.”

I know what she means.  “She is really obvious, isn’t she?”

“You think?!” Shel scoffs.  “That girl has an agenda.  She’s just waiting for you to make up your mind.  You can see it in her eyes.”

I let out a heavy breath.  “Did I tell you she kissed James?”

Her eyes get big.  “In front of you?”

“No, months ago.  Before I left for the island.  James told me.”

“How do you feel about that?”

“At the time I didn’t know her; I couldn’t remember anything except her face.  And now, seeing them together makes me uncomfortable.  I’m not going to lie; whenever they’re together, I leave the room.”

“Are you sure you want to stay here?” Shel indicates The Larvatus’ house as we pull up the drive.  “Maybe you should get a hotel room or something.”

I smile.  “It’s free to stay here and I need to keep up with my training.  Besides, I really like most of the company, and I want to be around when Garrett wakes up.”

I park my car in front of the garage and then get out to retrieve my suitcase.  Even though I’ve been spending the majority of my time here, it’s never been overnight.  Plus, I needed to put on a show for my girl’s trip ruse.

“When will Matt be by to pick you up?” I ask as we head to the door.

“My guess is around eight or so.  You never know when he gets together with his cousins.”

“Great!  You can work out with me.”

Shel groans.  “Do I have to?”

The door unexpectedly opens before us and Madeline stands there smiling.  “Guess who’s awake?”

Shel and I look at each other and then sprint over the threshold.  I abandon my suitcase and we head straight to Garrett’s room.  When we enter, I find Joss and Jenna sitting on one side of the bed and Meg on the other.  I mentally blanch at her presence, but then my eyes fall on Garrett and I break into a smile.  How long have I waited to see those eyes?

“Oh!  You’re here,” Joss says as she notices me.  “He’s been asking for you.”

“Really?”  I round the side of the bed and tease Garrett.  “Don’t you have more important things to worry about?”

He gives me a tiny smile.  “I thought it was weird you weren’t here.”  He doesn’t sound like himself; his voice sounds rough and stuck.  “I know you’ve been reading to me.”

“I have.  How are you enjoying Pangalax so far?”  I downloaded the book to my iPad last week.

“It’s confusing,” he says honestly.  “I think I’m missing some parts.”

“You probably are.”

Joss gets up, so I can take her spot.  I collect Garrett’s hand and squeeze it.  He still feels cold and his overall complexion remains pale.  “You scared the hell out of me.  Don’t do it again.”

He rolls his tired eyes.  “My apologies.”

My attention is pulled away from him as I catch Shel changing his fluids on the opposite side of the bed.  “You’ve given my best friend some real hands on experience.  You’re lucky I have connections; Shel is studying to be a doctor.”

He turns his head against the pillow.  “So I’ve been told.”

He tries to extend his hand to Shel, but it takes a great deal of effort.  She grasps it instead.  “It’s nice to meet you and a relief to hear you speak.  How are you feeling?”

“Exhausted and thirsty,” he rasps.

“Madeline?  Could you go get Garrett a glass of ice please?”

Mad nods and leaves the room while Shel checks Garrett’s pulse.  “Where is everyone?” I ask Jenna.  “Do they know he’s awake?”

“James and Ash were here and they left to give him some space,” she says.  “Thomas went to find Jack.”

Some weight leaves my shoulders at the mention of Jack’s name.  Surely he won’t dislike me as much now that his brother has regained consciousness.

“Joss says I’ve been out for almost a week,” Garrett croaks.

“Just about,” I confirm.  “Today would have been the sixth day.”

Madeline reappears with a glass filled with crushed ice from the refrigerator.  She hands it to Garrett with a smile and Shel speaks up.

“That’s the first thing that’s gone down your throat and landed in your stomach in over a month.  It might feel a bit weird.  Promise me you’ll take it easy, okay?”

“Whatever you say,” Garrett says with a tired smile.  “Thank you for everything you’ve done.”

She pats his arm in a very doctor-like manner.  “Well, thank you for waking up.”

Out of the corner of my eye I see Jack materialize with Thomas and I stand.  “Your brother is here.  I’ll get out of your hair and let you two talk.”

“You’ll come back later?” he asks.  “I’ve appreciated your voice.”

“Absolutely.  We have to learn the truth about the Eridanis, right?”

He gives me a confused look.  He must have missed that part.

I release his hand and head out of the room with the ladies on my heels.  As we walk down the hallway, Joss says, “I’m so relieved!”  Murmurs of agreement surround me.  I’m more than relieved.  I’m ecstatic.  I can’t wait to tell Dane the news.

Once I’m in my room I text him and then unpack my stuff to find some workout clothes to lend Shel.  She’s exercising with me whether she likes it or not.

“Hey.”

I look up to find James in my doorway.  “Hey.  What’s up?”

“Great news about Garrett, huh?” he asks as he enters the room.  “I think I can breathe a bit easier now.”

“Tell me about it.  I’m so glad he’s all right.  Now Jack can back off and stop giving me the stink eye.”

James smirks.  “What?”

“I read Jack’s mind when we were in the Intermediate.  He said he’d hold me responsible if anything happened to his brother.  I’m pretty sure I dodged a bullet today.”

“Why would he say that?  It’s not your fault Garrett was captured.”

“It kind of is,” I remind him.  “I’m the one who forced him to spend time away from us, remember?”

“Yeah, but your heart was in the right place.  Knowing what we know about Kellan he could have nabbed us at any time if he truly wanted to.  He still can.”

“I guess,” I sigh, “but I don’t think Jack sees it that way.  He was upset that I delayed the rescue because I was at the party, too.”

James takes a few steps toward me.  “Trust me.  Jack is hard to please.  You’ve done nothing wrong.”

I shrug.  I hope he’s right.

“Listen.”  He pauses and shifts his weight.  “I came to ask you something.”

“Shoot.”

“Will you give me an honest answer?”

I hesitate as I take in his uncertain expression.  It makes me wary, but I still respond, “Yes.”

“Are you avoiding me?” he asks.  “Because, lately, every time I enter a room you leave it.  And, we’ve only practiced together twice in the last week.  What’s going on?”

My chest tightens.  He’s noticed my disappearing act around Meg.  As much as I don’t want to discuss her there’s no time like the present to air my feelings.

“It’s not you,” I say and sit down on the edge of the bed.  “It’s Meg.  She’s everywhere you are and it’s obvious she really likes you.  It’s hard to watch, you know?”

He takes a seat beside me, his hip touching mine.  “Kind of like when I see you and Dane together?”

I totally deserve that.  “I’m sorry for the double standard.  I’ll try to be better.”

He stares at me for a moment and then cradles my face with his hand, running his thumb over my cheek.  “Spend some time with me tonight,” he says quietly.  “Not here in this room, but at my place.”

“Are you sure?” I ask, cautious.  “I don’t want to make enemies of Meg.”

James frowns.  “Why do you care what she thinks?  This is about you and me.  Period.”

He’s right.  Why am I tiptoeing around her?  “I promised Garrett I would read to him later.  I’ll come by afterward, okay?”

“Okay.”  He smiles and leans in to kiss my forehead.  When he moves back he notices the clothes I laid out on the bed.  “Headed to work out?”

I smile wickedly.  “Headed to torture Shel you mean.”

His eyes light up.  “Can I join you to egg her on?”

I laugh.  “We’ll meet you in ten.”

When Matt came by to pick up a sore Shel she wasn’t very happy with me.

“Friends don’t do this to friends!” she shouted as she went out the door.  “But I still love you!”

After they left I went to visit Garrett.  I brought him up to speed on the story we’re reading after he asked some questions about what happened in the Intermediate.  Even though everyone has been filling him in he wanted my perspective.  He looked genuinely excited when I explained my battle with Patrick, and I got a little overly animated in retelling it.  It was good to hear him laugh; although, he ended up having some sort of coughing fit.  I brought him some more ice, checked his IV the way Shel taught me to, and managed to read through one chapter before he drifted off to sleep.  Once he was tucked in to my liking, I left his room to find James.

As I walk through the house, thoughts of Garrett’s homemade meals dance through my mind, making my stomach gurgle.  I laugh at myself.  What I wouldn’t give for some of his lasagna!  Is it selfish to want him to get better quickly in order to cook?

When I arrive at James’ door I grab the handle to let myself in.  Thank God for my amplified hearing because I catch myself before I interrupt.  Voices can be heard on the other side, and I pause to lean closer to the wood.  James and Meg are having a conversation and all thoughts of eating leave my mind.  I really shouldn’t eavesdrop, but it’s way too tempting.

“…you know why.”

“That’s not what I’m saying,” Meg says quietly.  “I’m asking if you have any feelings for me.”

James sighs, and I picture him holding his head in his hands.  “I think I could.”

My breath hitches.

“I don’t understand,” Meg says and I envision her gently pulling his hands from his face.  “Are you saying you don’t feel anything for me or you won’t allow yourself to?”

He releases a breath.  “What I’m saying is I can’t.  What if she remembers?  I still love her and I’ve caused her so much pain.  We can be together again and if she wants me I will give myself to her.  I owe her the future we were supposed to have.”

They fall silent and my heart wants to beat out of my chest.  I should walk away, but I don’t.

“James,” Meg says, “I know you care about her.  My presence won’t erase that, and I’ll never be able to replace what you two had.  But, you have to realize you’ll never be able to have the same relationship as before.  Too much has happened.  Not only between her and Dane, but between us.”

She pauses and I imagine her holding his hand.

“Ever since I’ve known you, you’ve been sad or angry or jealous.  I understand those feelings; I went through them all when it came to my David.  That’s why I wanted to help; I saw myself in you.  When we were together, it seemed like I relieved your burdens; I know you made me forget mine.  Then, you would go to Emma and come back a mess.  Remember when you found out you couldn’t be human?  How upset you were?  And then we kissed and it was like a weight had been lifted.  I’d never seen you anything but sad, and I finally saw a light in your eyes.  I care about you, and I want to give us a chance.  I think I could make you happy.”

It’s silent for a few moments and I find myself holding my breath.  I hate that James was miserable.  I hate that he feels obligated to me.  And I hate that Meg sounds so sweet right now.

“I’m sure you could make me happy,” he admits.  “I wish I could reciprocate what you feel, but I can’t.  I have to focus on Emma.  You have to understand why.”

A mixture of emotions swirls in my chest.  I don’t want to hear anymore.  I command my feet to move and they carry me back to my room.  I can’t spend time with him right now; I’d be distracted trying to pretend I didn’t hear what was said.  I find my phone and text James.

I can’t come by tonight.  I’m sorry.

Chapter 19

James hits the floor hard.  Smack!  Before he can blink, I straddle his waist and pin him to the ground, pressing my forearm to his throat.

“Christ!  Take it easy!”

I release him and his expression twists.

“What’s gotten into you?  I take it your headache’s gone?”

After receiving my message last night, he promptly appeared at my door.  I told him I wasn’t feeling well and my head was killing me.  It wasn’t far from the truth.  He left me alone, but asked if we could train today.  So here I am.  Training.  And literally kicking his ass.

“Yep,” I say and spring off him.  “What’s that now?  Five for five?  Care to go again?”

He stares at me like he doesn’t know who I am and pushes himself off the mat.  “I’ll think I’ll grab a drink instead.”

He walks away and I wander to where my water bottle sits.  Picking it up, I head to the wall to stare at the television.  Ash was listening to CNN earlier as he hit the punching bag.  Nothing goes with sweat quite like politics.

It’s hard to focus on the program and I find my thoughts turning to last night.  I couldn’t sleep with my mind running in circles.  I kept hearing Meg’s voice and her words; I kept replaying James’ response.  When I finally forced them from my psyche it immediately turned to Dane.  It was then that I realized I hadn’t heard from him at all – no phone call, no text – and I cried.  I actually cried.  I can’t remember the last time I was upset enough to cry.  I mean, a few tears of pain trickled out when my bracelet came off, but this was a steady stream.  I didn’t even cry when I killed two people!  My mind then started to create scenarios involving Teagan and, when I couldn’t block them out, I got up and took a hot shower.  I tried to wash away everything that was bothering me.

If only it were that easy.

My assumptions are implanted in my brain; my feelings are trapped in my chest.  I’m pretty sure I’m trying to release them by beating on James.

Feeling a tug on my braid I turn around.  “I didn’t know you were so interested in foreign policy.”

I give James a blank look.  “What?”

“You’re staring at Anderson Cooper like you want to throttle him.  Did he piss you off or something?”

“No.  I’m just distracted.”

“By?”

I want to say a conversation I can’t unhear and assumptions I can’t unassume.  But, instead, I say, “It’s nothing.”

“Are you sure you’re all right?” he asks, concerned.  “You’re not acting like yourself.”

“I’m fine.”

Movement catches my eye as I catch a glimpse of Meg across the room.  She materializes, all long tan legs and cute white sundress.  Her face lights up when she spots James, but as soon as she finds me her body stiffens.  As quickly as she appears she evaporates.

James notices my body tense and looks over his shoulder.  “Did I miss something?”

Yes, I think to myself.  You’re missing something huge.

He turns back to me, confused, and I swallow.  “We need to talk.”

I reach for his hand and lead him back to the mat where I sit cross-legged.  He follows me, mirroring my pose, and rests his knees against mine.  There’s only one way I’m going to stop this inner dialogue and trying to ignore it isn’t the answer.

“I have a confession,” I sigh.  “I came over last night, but you had company.”

He looks alarmed.  “I wasn’t expecting anyone but you.  Why didn’t you knock?”

I take a deep breath.  “Because I decided to eavesdrop instead.”

His eyes grow wide and he searches my face.  “What did you hear?”

I hesitate and study our knees to gather my thoughts.  It’s not long before he places his fingers beneath my chin and gently lifts my gaze.  “I love you,” he says.

“I know you love the old me.”  I curl my hand around his wrist.  “But I’m not that person anymore.”

His hand falls from my chin.  “What are you saying?  Do you think I’m lying?”

“Not at all.”  I shake my head.  “I’m saying Meg’s words made me realize that you and I…we’ve changed.”

His eyes lock on mine as he tries to figure out where I’m headed with this.

“I love you to death,” I say honestly.  “Just not in the way you deserve.  You deserve to be happy and I’m making you miserable.”

He takes my hands.  “You do not make me miserable!”

“Yes, I do.  Meg said you’ve been sad most of the time she’s known you.  I heard you say you owe me the future we were supposed to have.  I don’t want you to owe me anything!  You are not obligated to me.”

“Of course I am!  I don’t know life without you,” he protests. “We’ve known each other since we were ten years old; I was your first love and you were mine.  We’re forever connected.”

“We always will be.”  I clutch his fingers.  “But Meg is right; we’re different people now.  Things will never be the same.  I don’t want you wasting your time waiting for the old Emma to return because I don’t know if she exists.”

He abruptly pulls his hands away from mine and my heart jumps.  He grips my shoulders and looks me dead in the eye.  “So you think we should give up?  After all we’ve been through to be together this is how it ends?”

And with those words, everything becomes crystal clear.  My vision shifts and our future stretches before me.

“No.”  I give him a small smile.  “Don’t you see?  This is how it begins.  We’re Larvatus and Allegiant, enemies by nature who defy the supernatural to remain soul mates.  You can’t kick me out of your life just as much as I can’t kick you out of mine.”

He stares at me as he digests my words and I continue.  “I will always have your back as long as you’ll have me.  But, romantically…you need to let me go.”  I can’t deny him a chance at happiness with Meg; he said last night that he could have feelings for her.  My heart pounds as I utter my next sentence.  “I need to let you go.”

He blinks like I’ve stung him.  “What if I don’t want to be let go?”

I give him half a smile.  “I think you know that you do.”

Minutes of silence pass.  I’m beginning to think he’ll never say another word to me when his eyes soften.  I breathe a sigh of relief.

“You’ll have my back?” he asks.  “Until the end of forever?”

Why does that ring a bell?  A sense of déjà vu overcomes me and the sentiment sounds perfect.  “Until the end of forever.”

He removes his hands from my shoulders to cradle my face.  “I will always be here for you.  For whatever you need.  For anything.”

“I believe you.”

He kisses my forehead and his lips linger against my skin.  When he releases me, I throw my arms around his neck and hug him tight.  He crushes me to his chest and his hands travel up and down my back.

“Damn it, Emma,” he says against me.  “I will never get over you.  You know that, right?  No matter how much we change you will always own a piece of my heart.”

I squeeze him tighter.

When we pull apart he looks tired.  “Breaking up with you wasn’t what I expected to do today.”

I smile and shove his shoulder.  “We’re not broken up.  We’re a team, dumbass.”

He shoots me a sardonic look.  “Dumbass?”  He springs forward and pins me on my back against the mat.  “Who’s the ass now?”

“You,” I laugh and he smirks.

“Why are you still here?” I chastise him.  “You’re a free man and there’s a beautiful girl out there who adores you.  I suggest you go find her before she realizes what she’s getting herself into.”

He smiles.  “What about you?  Why aren’t you running off to Dane?”

“It’s complicated.”

His eyes grow dark.  “What happened?”

“Nothing,” I protest.  “He’s just been busy with work and I haven’t seen him in awhile.  Days, actually.  He usually calls, but he didn’t last night.”

“Did you call him?”

“Well, no.  I was a little preoccupied with spying and then thinking about everything and…”

He pushes himself off me.  “Go call him.  Now.”

“Wow.  That’s quite the attitude change.”

His expression turns serious.  “So help me Emma if he ever hurts you I will hurt him.  Got it?  Go find out why he’s ignoring you and then just say the word.”

“Okay.”  I stand.  “Calm down Hulk.”

“Just because we’re not sleeping together doesn’t mean I don’t love you,” he says.  “Always remember that.”

By the time I reach my room, I’m anxious to talk to Dane.  Why didn’t he call?  It couldn’t be Allegiant related; if anything had happened in the Intermediate our Guardian friends would have let me know.  That leaves a few options: work, Teagan, or he’s hurt.  My stomach clenches.  Would the universe be that cruel?

When I find my phone, I’m relieved to see I have a missed call, although it’s from a strange number.  I dial my voice mail and hear Dane.

“Grace?  It’s me.  I’m so sorry I didn’t call last night.  I crashed on the couch with a beer in my hand, and I woke up this morning with the damn thing spilled all over.  My phone is fried.  The company is express shipping me a new one today.  If you need to get a hold of me call the office at this number.  Actually, call me anyway.  I miss you.  And I have news.  Okay.  I’ll talk to you later.  Bye.”

Relieved, I immediately hang up and return his call.

“Grace?”

“The one and only.”

“Hey.”  I can sense his smile through the phone.  “I was starting to think you weren’t speaking to me.”

“I could say the same about you.  You ruined your cell with a beer?”

“Along with the couch and the floor.”

“Geez,” I laugh.  “The audit is that bad?  Were you drinking a Forty?”

He chuckles.  “I haven’t hit the brown bag yet, but it’s getting close.”

I take a seat on the bed.  “So, what’s your news?”

His voice lightens.  “I put my foot down.  No more overtime.  Tonight’s my last night; it’s back to my regular job and normal hours in the morning.”

Could my smile get any bigger?  I let out a quiet “yay.”

“That’s it?  That’s all you’ve got for me?”

I reassure him.  “You should see the size of my smile right now.  It’s hard to speak.”

“Excellent,” he says and I imagine him grinning.  “You can plan on seeing me tomorrow.”

“I can’t wait.”  Butterflies instantly appear in my stomach.  I have news for him, too.  Tomorrow is going to be huge.  I’m quiet while I think about it.  Should I try to make things special?

“Em?” he asks.  “Are you still there?”

“Yep, I’m here.”

“What are you doing?”

“Thinking.”

He lets out an overly exaggerated sigh.  “That’s never good.”

“Hey!  Be nice!  It just so happens I have something important to tell you, too.  I’m trying to think of the right way to do it.”

“Really?” he voice rises.  “Are you headed back to the Intermediate?  Tell me.”

He has no idea this is about James.  The thought of surprising him almost makes me giggle.  “No; don’t worry.  This is something good.”  At least I’m pretty positive he’ll think it’s good.

“So tell me.”

“Not over the phone.  This has to be done in person.”

He’s silent for a second and then I hear his breath hitch.  “I’m coming over tonight.”

“No!”  I blurt out.  I need time to plan something other than just telling him face to face.  “I need…I want…just trust me,” I sigh when I can’t think of anything to say.  “It’ll be worth the wait.”  Now I really have to come up with something good!  Damn it.

I can almost hear him smirk.  “I know what it is.”

“You can’t possibly.”

“Wanna make a bet?”

Here we go.  He knows I can’t resist competing with him.  “What are the terms?”

“When I show up tomorrow and I’m right,” he emphasizes, “you have to do something for me.  Anything I ask.”

I let out a sarcastic laugh.  “What?  I’m not agreeing to that!  There are a million inappropriate things you could ask for!  No dice.”

“The rules are still in place are they not?” he questions me.  “I wouldn’t ask you to do anything that violates our terms.”

Hmmm.  Now I’m intrigued.  “Anything you ask, huh?  And what do I get if you’re wrong?”

“Simple.  Whatever you want.”

It sounds too easy.  Thoughts of making him my man slave and watching him paint my toenails nearly makes me choke with laughter.  “I’m in.”

“I knew you’d cave.”

“That’s because I’m going to win,” I say arrogantly.  “What time is this little bet happening?”

“How’s seven-ish sound?”

“Perfect.”

“Emma?” Madeline interrupts from behind and I turn to face her.

“Yeah?”

“Garrett’s asking for you.  He says it’s important.”

“Oh, okay.”  I smile.  “I’ll be right down.”

“Who was that?” Dane asks.

“Mad.  She says Garrett needs me.”

I hear papers shuffling.  “How’s he doing?  I got your text.”

“Great,” I tell him.  “Well, at least better than he was.  He’s still sleeping a lot and he’s not eating solid food yet, but he’ll get there.”

“Good.  Go check on him,” Dane says.  “I need to get lost in these payroll reports to keep my mind off tomorrow.”

“Prepare to lose,” I taunt him.

“Never.”

We say our goodbyes and I head downstairs.  No, I skip downstairs.  I feel giddy.  Elated.  Super fantastic.  Okay, that’s enough.  Even I’m annoying myself.

“Hi.”  I peek around Garrett’s door.  “You wanted to see me?”

He smiles.  “Yeah.  Can I talk to you for a minute?”

“Sure.”  I round his bed and pull the armchair close to the side.  It’s then that I notice his overall complexion appears better, like his skin has seen the sun.  “It looks like you’ve regained some color.”

He examines his hands.  “It does, doesn’t it?”

I smile.  “So, what’s up?  Hungry for more Pangalax?”

He shakes his head.  “Hungry, yes.  But not for the story.”

“Hungry for real?”  My eyebrows shoot up.  “That’s great!”  My expression turns sheepish. “I miss your cooking.  When do you think you’ll be back in the kitchen?”

He gives me a weary smile.  “I don’t think I’ll be back in the kitchen.”

My face falls and I pout.  “Why?”

He eyes the open door.  “Do you mind closing that?”

I shoot him a puzzled look, but comply with his request.  When I sit back down, he takes one of my hands.  “What I’m about to tell you I don’t want anyone else to know.  Okay?”

My heart begins to pound.  “What’s wrong?”

“I’ve been having dreams,” he says.  “Actually, I’ve been having the same dream.  Over and over since yesterday.”

“Is it bad?”

“It’s Amelia,” he says and a wistful expression clouds his features.  “She’s beautiful.  Gorgeous.  She’s an angel.”

I’m confused.  “Amelia is?”

“My first love.  The reason I chose to be a Guardian.”

My expression melts.  “That’s a lovely dream.  Does she say anything?”

“The same thing each time.  She tells me everything’s going to be all right.  She says she’s waiting for me.”

“That’s sweet.”  I squeeze his hand.  “Have you ever dreamed of her before?”

“Never until now.  That’s how I know she’s real, and I’m not pulling her from a memory.  She’s really there.”

My face twists.  “You mean she’s actually visiting you in your dreams?  Are you sure?”

“I’m positive.”

He can tell I’m having a hard time believing this, and he meets my eyes.  “Emma.”  He pauses.  “I’m going to die.”

I feel like I’ve been slapped in the face.  “You are not going to die!  Why in the world would you say that?”

“Because she told me.”

“That’s not possible,” I reason with him.  “Your mind is playing tricks on you; you’ve been through a traumatic experience.”

He places his other hand on top of our already joined fingers.  “No.”

The intensity of that one word and his stare convinces me he wholeheartedly believes Amelia.  “Then let’s stop it,” I say, adamant.  “Let’s get you out of here and to a hospital where we can find out what’s really wrong with you.”  I stand and start to pull back his bed sheets.

“Don’t,” he says and tries to pull the blankets from my hand.  “A doctor won’t find anything wrong.  It’s turning human that’s killing me.”

I freeze.  “What?”

“Trust me.  I asked the same thing,” he says.  “I asked her how and why and to explain.  She said what happened in the Intermediate weakened my humanity, essentially killed the human inside me.  When all of my Guardian traits leave my body – when I’m completely Reborn – I will die.”

I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach and I can’t find air.  My eyes frantically comb over him.  I notice how healthy he looks, how he no longer needs the IV.  I recall how much he’s sleeping and how he said he was hungry.  My eyes land on his and a hard lump forms in my throat.  His eyes are completely brown.  Not a shade of turquoise remains.

“When?” I whisper as my body sinks to the chair.

He doesn’t answer.  He looks down and clears his throat.  He adjusts the sheets and when he looks at me his eyes glisten.  “Soon.”

“I’m going to get Ash,” I decide and stand again.  “You can be Reborn Larvatus.”

Garrett lets out an exasperated sigh.  “Has anyone ever told you you’re stubborn?”

“All the time.”  I cross my arms.  “I’m not going to stand here and do nothing while you fade in front of me!  I’m getting Ash.”

“I can’t be Larvatus,” he says.  “I need to be a Guardian to be Reborn or I need to be human to be Gifted.  Right now I’m neither.  I’ll never be a Guardian again; I’m Lost like you.  And when I finally do turn human…” he drifts off and swallows.  “I’ll be gone.”

This is not happening.  Tears sting my eyes, and I try to blink them away so I can see.  It’s hard to talk around the lump in my throat.  “Why are you telling me this?”

“Because you are the one person I cherish in this life.”

I close my eyes and it forces a few tears to fall.  They wind their way to my chin before I look at him again.  An inexplicable laugh escapes as I see Garrett holding out a tissue for me.  “I’m supposed to be comforting you.”

He gives me a tiny smile.  “I was hoping you would feel that way.”

I take the tissue from him and wipe my face.

“Do you think you could do something for me?” he asks.

“Anything.”

Sadness creeps into his eyes, and I’ve never seen anyone so vulnerable.  It’s easy to imagine him as the little boy he once was and my heart begins to ache.

“Will you stay?” he asks nervously.  “My first death was so sudden; I wasn’t expecting it.  But this…the waiting…”  He looks down and then at me again.  “I’m scared.”

It’s as if my heart is in a vise; it strains to beat.  I’m not sure I can breathe.  There’s no stopping the tears now and I manage to nod.  I’ll do whatever he wants.

He reaches for me and I take his hand.  Absentmindedly, I rub the back of it as I sit next to his bed.  I find myself looking everywhere but at his face so I can try to keep some semblance of composure.  My breaking down and wailing will be the opposite of helpful, but it’s exactly what I want to do.

“You look terrible,” he says.

“Well,” I run my fingers over my cheek, “what did you expect?  Tap dancing and rainbows?”

He chuckles.  “Not the rainbows.”

I roll my eyes at him and sniff.  “I’m falling apart.”

“Me, too.”

Silence reigns and after a moment he tugs on my hand, pulling my arm.  He moves to the side of the bed to make room for me, and I read his mind.

“I’ll hold you together if you hold me.”

I crawl beside him to lie down, tucking my body along his, and laying my head against his shoulder.  Our arms wind around each other and he rests his cheek against the top of my head.

“I’m going to cry all over you,” I warn him.

“That’s all right.  At least I won’t have to watch you do it.”

I snort.  “This is messed up.”

“All the best things are.”

I bury myself against him.  “Why won’t you tell anyone else?  They’re your friends; they deserve a chance to say goodbye.”

“Losing my second life is hard enough without a pity party.”  He adjusts his arms.  “Besides,” he adds softly, “you’re the only one I care about.”

His words give me pause and I’m afraid to ask what he means.  Instead, I lift my head and give him a questioning look.  His quiet answer confirms my suspicions.

“Maybe in another life?”

My throat feels thick.  How long has he felt this way?  “Maybe,” I whisper.

Time passes and evening fades into night.  Exhausted from the day’s emotions, I find myself nodding off.  Each time I do I catch myself and jerk awake, my body tensing and startling Garrett.  I lose track of how many times I do this before he tells me to relax and go to sleep.

“I’m tired, too,” he says.

I adjust my hold around him.  “But if you sleep you might not wake up.”

His voice cracks.  “I know.”

I cling to him, as if I can will his heart to keep beating, as if I can give him some of my strength.

“Promise me you will live a full life,” he whispers.

It’s all I can do to nod through my tears.

In the early gray of morning my muscles scream.  I’ve been locked in the same position for hours; my entire body aches.  I stretch my legs to release some tension and freeze.

I can feel the difference under my arms, and I start to panic.  Garrett feels cold; it’s as if I’m wrapped around a piece of granite.  I can’t bear to look at his face, so I raise a shaky hand and press it to his chest, over his heart.

There is no beat.

My entire body shakes.  Loud, ugly sobs build inside me until I can no longer contain them and they rip through my throat.  Tears pour from my eyes and soak Garrett’s clothes as I bury my face in his shoulder and twist his shirt in my fist.  It won’t take long for everyone in the house to come running.

Minutes later, I hear a gasp and force myself to lift my head.  The eyes that meet mine burn with such intense hatred that I cower against Garrett’s body.  I search for my voice and will it to speak, to try and explain.  All I can rasp is his name.

“Jack.”

He doesn’t stay.  He vanishes from the foot of the bed and fear seizes my heart.

Chapter 20

Steam rises from the mug Madeline offers and I shake my head to refuse it.  She kneels, lowering her pleading eyes to my level.

“Please drink something.”

Reluctantly, I take her offering.  The heat from the tea warms my hands and I know it will warm my body.  I wish it would warm my mind too, and unlock its frozen state.

For hours I’ve done nothing but sit on the couch with my knees pulled to my chest, replaying every Garrett memory I have.  The current image behind my eyes is of him curled around LB as they slept at my place.  I remember how he would let her get away with anything, even lying across his neck.  Unfortunately, the memory doesn’t stay; it’s replaced with one of me wrapped around his lifeless body.  I search for something happier and find the sound of his laugh when we discovered I could bench 300 pounds.  I close my eyes and concentrate.  I want to pull that sound out of the other noises around me.

“We should call Shel,” I hear Madeline say.

“And Dane,” I hear Ash add.

The Larvatus were the first to find me.  I was such a wreck; I couldn’t explain what happened.  Between Madeline and Ash deciphering my thoughts they put the pieces together.  I’m not sure when James appeared, but he was the one to lift me from the bed.  He carried me out of the room, so Ash could tend to the body.  Garrett’s body.  I have no idea what he and the other Guardians did with it.  Is there a morgue on the property I don’t know about?

A few moments of silence pass until I hear Ash ask “Have you been able to locate Jack?”  My eyes fly open and I see James and Meg have entered the room.

“The Intermediate is a big place,” James says.  “The others are still looking; we came to check in.  How’s she doing?”

By she he means me.

Ash frowns.  “We got her to hold some hot tea, but I’ve yet to see her drink it.”

Meg sends me a sympathetic expression.  “Poor thing.”

For some reason her words stick.  I don’t want to be considered a “poor thing.”  I’m not the one something tragic happened to – Garrett is.  It’s then that I decide to sit up and cooperate.

Madeline notices me stir and helps steady the tea while I sit.  I take a sip as she wraps an arm around me.  I wish my friends would focus on their grief.  If anything, they should be mad I allowed Garrett’s capture in the first place.

“No one blames you,” Mad says quietly.

“That’s a lie.”  I stare at her.  “Jack does.”

“We’ll find him,” she assures me.  “Don’t worry.”

James hears us talking and crouches in front of us.  “Are you all right?”

I nod and he sighs.  “Em.  Don’t lie.”

I clutch my mug.  “What happened hurts, but I’m not ready to jump.  A friend just died.  Give me some time, okay?”

He searches my face and his pinched brow smoothes.  “Okay.”  He gently tucks some hair behind my ear then stands to rejoin Ash and Meg.

As they talk I stare into my tea.  “Mad?”

“Yes?”

“Did you know Garrett had feelings for me?”

She squeezes my shoulder.  “I did.”

“Since when?”

“Since we met in Hope Mills.”

I close my eyes and swallow.  How did I not see this?  It’s frustrating to know I have memories of him I can’t find.  I pray I never led him on in any way.

“He asked us to protect you should anything happen with The Allegiant,” Madeline explains.  “Of course we questioned his request.  We don’t run around Gifting humans for fun.”

I open my eyes.  I remember her saying something similar when we discussed my being Gifted before, something about him wanting me safe.  “So he told you?”

“Not in so many words.”  She removes her arm from my shoulders and taps her temple.  “We read his thoughts.  They revealed how much he cared about you.  He was sorry for the hurt he caused when he assigned James; he didn’t want to bring you anymore pain.  Your friendship was special to him because you never treated him like a Guardian.”

“But why didn’t he tell me?”

She gives me a knowing look.  “Did he really stand a chance?  What good would it have done to make things awkward?  He settled for what he could be.  A friend.”

Frowning, I look away from Madeline.  She’s right; he wouldn’t have stood a chance with all the James and Dane drama.  I still feel bad, though, for not recognizing his feelings.  His asking for my protection is the main reason I’m alive, and I allowed him to be captured resulting in his death.  Some great friend I am.

“You’ve had a rough night.”  Madeline rubs my arm.  “Why don’t you take a bath?  It’ll make you feel better.”

That does sound like a good idea.  Not to mention I was wrapped around a dead person.

“Then I’ll make something to eat.  Are you hungry?”

I say yes to appease her, but I doubt I’ll be able to taste anything.  I hand her my tea and stiffly walk upstairs.

After I get some fresh clothes, I make my way to the bathroom and fill the tub with the hottest water I can bear.  I find some bath soap under the sink and pour a few capfuls.  It smells like vanilla and cinnamon, and the scent consumes the tiny room.  It relaxes me enough to stay afloat in the water, but not enough to keep my morose thoughts at bay.  I can’t stop thinking about death.

When my skin wrinkles and my thoughts are sufficiently somber, I get out of the tub and get dressed.  I braid my hair again and find my way back to the bedroom to deposit my dirty laundry.  When I’m headed out the door, my phone chimes alerting me to a text message.

Excited about tonight.  Can’t wait.

It’s Dane.  I forgot all about his coming over and our little wager.  How am I going to make anything seem special now?  I stare at the phone feeling drained and numb.  All I want is the warm comfort of his arms and for him to tell me everything will be okay.

“Important call?”

My head snaps up to find Garrett standing a few feet away.  I gasp and drop the phone.

“Surprise.”  He smiles warmly at me.

Oh my God.  Is this really happening?  My eyes double in size.

He looks anxious.  “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“I…” I stutter.  How is this possible?  He’s wearing jeans, a t-shirt, and tennis shoes just like any other day.  His eyes are a soft caramel brown, his hair looks neatly cut, and his skin looks like it’s glowing.  Adrenaline soars through my veins.  “Are you an angel?”

He laughs, the sound echoing the one from my memory.  “Far from it.”

“How…?  Did Ash…?”

“Turn me Larvatus?” he guesses.  “No.”  He extends his hand toward me.  “See for yourself.”

I take his hand, and he gently pulls me toward him.  I can’t believe it.  He’s human.  He feels human.  “Is this some sort of miracle?” I ask in awe.

He shrugs.  “Depends on how you look at it.”

I turn his hand over in mine and glide my fingers over his palm.  I stop at his wrist and feel his pulse there, steady and strong.  My breath catches as tears prick my eyes.  He’s alive.

“Hey,” he says softly.  “Don’t cry yet.”

I blink my tears away.  He’s right.  This is a cause for celebration.  Excited, I meet his eyes.  “We have to tell everyone!”  I pull him toward the door.  “They’re going to be so happy to see you!”

He chuckles as we head into the hallway.

“Let me guess,” I ask excitedly.  “Amelia made this happen?”

His eyes dance.  “Do you believe in karma?”

“Firmly.”

“So you believe actions determine fate?  That a person is rewarded or punished depending on their deeds?”

“Absolutely.”

We make it to the bottom of the stairs, and he abruptly steps in front of me.  “Well, I’m here to tell you something.”

“What’s that?” I smile.

He grabs my shoulder suddenly, painfully, and sneers.  “Karma is a real bitch.”

Shocked, I wrench his hand away and step back.  What the hell?  I’ve never seen him so full of hate.  I try to read his thoughts, to figure out what just happened.

And I can’t.

“I’m so glad you could join us,” a silky voice says from across the room.  “Thank you, Jack.”

My stomach falls through the floor as Jack’s, not Garrett’s, eyes lock on mine.

“What goes around comes around,” he snarls and turns to reveal four Allegiant I don’t recognize.  James, Meg, Mad, and Ash are all restrained and panic threatens to overcome me.  I can barely breathe as I realize Jack is Allegiant, too.

“How could you?” I whisper.

“Easy,” he snaps.  “My brother is dead.”

I stare at him in disbelief.  I know he despises me, but why would he ruin everyone else?  “Why would you do this?”

He quickly grabs my arm and twists it, his face hovering inches from mine.  “Because there’s no other way to kill you.”

My heart goes into overdrive and my adrenaline spikes.  I’m not scared.  I’m furious.  How dare he endanger everyone just to get to me!  My eyes narrow and I pull myself out of Jack’s grasp with such force it surprises us both.  Silently, I make a vow.  No one in this room I care about will get hurt today.  No one.

I back up defensively and search for a distraction to buy time.  Ash must read my mind because he tries to offer one.

“Jack!” he shouts from across the room.  “What has she done?  Think about it!  Your grief is clouding your mind!”

Jack scowls and turns on Ash.  “My brother is dead because of her!  He chose to spend his last breath with her!  No one knew; not one of us was allowed to say goodbye except the precious Emma,” he twists my name and faces me.  “What makes you so goddamned special?”

I start to protest, but the words get tangled.  I want to tell him I’m not special, that I asked Garrett to tell the others.  But Jack doesn’t want to hear excuses.  He unleashes a beam of light from his palm, and I fall to the floor.  It misses me, ricochets off the wall, and bounces off the ceiling.  He’s so new he can barely control his powers.

Meg lets out a strangled cry and my assailant’s head snaps around to find her.

“What are doing?” she pleads with sorrow-filled eyes.

Jack stares at Meg, and his features momentarily soften.  She tilts her head, as if sending him a silent message, and I read her thoughts to understand her sadness.  “I care about you; I loved you.  Please don’t do this.”

Her thoughts reveal that she and Jack were passionately in love once; that they had parted ways but remained friends.  She asks him why he would do this to her, to any of them, when they are all fighting for the same thing.

Jack’s expression hardens once more.  “Because we’re not fighting for the same thing.”  His eyes jump to James and back to Meg.  “I wanted humanity for us,” he spits the word.  “And you want him.”

Meg’s face crumbles as he raises his hand to send a beam of light in James’ direction.  I take the opportunity to launch myself at Jack, connecting with his midsection and landing a quick one-two punch.  I then spring back to kick him squarely in the chest.  He flies backward into Meg and the Allegiant that holds her, all three of them tumbling to the ground.

“Emma!” Ash yells.  I connect with his eyes and read his thoughts.

“Where’s your anlace?”

“Upstairs!”

“You need it!”

No shit.

“Tell Meg!” he silently shouts.

My eyes search for Meg, and I find her separated from her captor due to the fall.  “Meg!  Upstairs!  My anlace!” I yell.

She instantly vanishes.

Jack scrambles to his feet as the Allegiant he hit gives him a hard stare.  “Stay here,” he growls at Jack then advances toward me.  He’s tall and muscular with blue eyes and sandy brown hair.  I quickly retreat and take a defensive stance, putting the couch and coffee table between us.  The objects won’t stop him, but at least something is in the way.

“I killed you once,” he sneers.  “Let’s make sure it takes this time.”

This must be Kellan.

He comes at me, leaping over the couch and landing on the table so hard that the wood splinters and shatters.  Is this supposed to intimidate me?  It doesn’t.  It just pisses me off that he ruined Mad’s furniture.

He glares at me, and I decide out-maneuvering him is my best option until my weapon arrives.  Despite my strength, I doubt I’m a good match against his height and weight.  If I can work us around toward The Larvatus maybe I can free them like Meg.  In a flash, his palm radiates light at my head and I duck, rolling and tucking my body behind a chair.  The furniture explodes, the cushions blasting into a cloud of white fluff.  The intense heat attached to his attack singes my skin through my clothing, and I inwardly cringe.  Is he trying to incinerate me?  I guess that’s one way to go.

My eyes search for something to throw, and I spy an armrest no longer attached to the chair.  I grab it and whirl around on my knees, throwing it at Kellan with all my strength.  It misses him by inches, but manages to hit James in shoulder.  Shit!  I said I’d have his back, not break it!  I quickly look for something else and find a decorative serving tray that used to sit on the coffee table.  I heave it at Kellan like I’m throwing a Frisbee and it connects with his neck.  I take advantage of his two-second distraction to sprint behind the couch.

“Ugh!”

Unexpected arms catch me from behind, and they pull me back against my will.  I thrash against them, managing to free one arm.  I elbow my assailant in the ribs and hear him grunt as he loses his breath.  He adjusts his hold to wrap both arms around my chest, to pin mine to my sides, and fully expose my body to Kellan.  I can tell from his shirtsleeves that it’s Jack, and I struggle against him as Meg materializes in front of us.  Kellan unleashes a blast of light in our direction, but Meg blocks it, unaffected.  She thrusts my anlace into my right hand.

An eerie confidence surges through me, and I almost laugh.  I wrench my body away from Jack, raise my weapon, and spit, “I thought your boss told you not to move!”

He looks at me with wide eyes causing me to pause.  Damn it if he doesn’t look just like his brother!  I have to remind myself that this is not Garrett; it’s Jack.  And he wants me dead.  He wants us all dead.

“Do it,” he sneers when he senses my hesitation.  “Kill me just like you killed Garrett.”

His words sting and the pain unleashes an anger inside me I didn’t know I could carry.  I would never intentionally hurt Garrett, but Jack will never understand that.  My heart will ache from his loss for a long, long, time, but I will choose to honor his memory.  I would never soil it like Jack has; I would never endanger innocent lives with wrongful vengeance.  I may need therapy after this, but I glare into his eyes and utter one word.  “Gladly.”

Jack bursts into a cloud of dust under my weapon, and I turn to face the remaining Allegiant.  Meg is acting like my human shield as Kellan tries to reach me around her.  Why is she not hurt by his attempts?  It must be a Guardian thing; she’s the only one here.  Across the room, I see James and his captor are engaged in a full fight, and he seems to be holding his own.  There’s only one direction for me to go.

“Meg!  This way!”

I want to sprint toward Madeline and Ash, but I need Meg’s blockade.  As we get closer to The Larvatus I see fear in the eyes of the Allegiant who holds Mad.  I scoff.  “First day on the job?”

He stares at me with large brown eyes, and I swear he trembles.  Do I scare him?  The thought that I might actually be a badass flits through my mind.  I like it.

“Let her go,” I demand and to my amazement he releases her.  He shoves her toward me and evaporates into oblivion.  I hope he’s truly a coward and not playing a trick.

Madeline meets my eyes, and I scream my thoughts.

“Your anlace!  Go!”

She disappears, and I zero in on my next target – Ash’s Allegiant.  He tries to use my friend’s body as a shield, even though Ash is doing his best to pull away and give me a clear shot.  As Kellan’s attacks continue behind me, I realize we’re getting nowhere fast and I place my weapon in my mouth, grasping it with my teeth to free my hands.  I drop to my knees, grab Ash’s legs around his calves, and pull him forward with all my might.  Briefly, he’s a rope in a tug-of-war before the Allegiant’s grip slips, and he’s holding Ash by his armpits.  Instantly, I release his legs and crawl beneath him, between his body and the enemy’s.  Still on my knees I thrust my anlace into the Allegiant’s thigh, and he barely has time to glance down before exploding into vapor.  Unfortunately, I don’t have time to get cocky about it because his demise causes Ash’s body to crash into mine, his weight no longer supported.  His upper body hits my neck and shoulders, the back of his head cracks against my skull.  Holy hell.

I see stars and fall forward, catching myself with my hands against the floor.  The impact sends painful jolts through both my shoulders, and I can’t keep my arms from collapsing.  Crumpling to the ground, I smash my chin in the process.  Oh. My. God.  Pain sears through my jaw.

“Emma!” Ash shouts as his body slides off mine.  He peers over me to make sure I’m conscious, and I send him my thoughts.

“You have a hard head.”

He nods and jumps away, appeased by my coherent observation.  His action reveals Madeline’s feet in my peripheral, and relief trickles into my veins.  We can end this.  Three Allegiant down, two to go.

The Larvatus must relieve Meg because she throws her body over mine, protecting me until I can see straight.  Grateful, I whisper, “Thank you.”

Her blue eyes send me a serious gaze.  “No.  Thank you.”

It takes only minutes for the throbbing in my body to subside, but it feels like longer since I’m stuck motionless on the floor.  When I’m ready to rejoin the game, I lift my head to calculate where I can fit in to this supernatural dance.  Madeline and Ash have their hands full with Kellan.  James looks less taxed; he clearly has the upper hand with his foe.  It looks like I get to help take out the big guy.  Lucky me.

I begin to sit up and Madeline notices.  I focus on her face.

“Stay down!” she silently hollers.

“Why?”

“Let us turn him around!”

I get it.  If I act wounded, he’ll ignore me, and I can surprise him from behind.

I lie back down, watching their intense exchange, all the while tensing my muscles for the right moment.  Kellan’s beams of death are on hyper drive as he releases one after another after another.  Holes are blasted in the walls, the ceiling, and the floor; a piece of the staircase goes flying.  It seems he’s learned a thing or two from their last altercation; The Larvatus are forced to spend their time avoiding his attacks rather than working their way in toward him.  The longer I watch the more I get a feel for the cadence of their fight; believe it or not it almost falls into a rhythm.  It’s then I realize I know when to strike.

Just as The Larvatus unleash another pattern of moves – duck, roll, leap, dodge, retreat, try again – I count to three.

One.

Two.

Three.

My coiled muscles launch my body into the air.  I want to crash into Kellan’s side to avoid a direct hit while allowing The Larvatus a chance to advance.  It’s a stroke of bad luck when he turns in my direction as I’m mid-leap.  I end up flying at him head on.  Time stops as my eyes lock on his.  He registers my hurtling body, and I know this can’t end well.  My mind does the only thing it can to protect me – an image of Dane appears.

My heart burns as I think of him.  The Allegiant could truly be incinerating me for all I know, but the only thing I can see is Dane.  I imagine him opening his arms, as if he’s going to catch me, and to my surprise my delusion allows me to land safely in them.  Is this what death feels like?  A safe place?

My mind clears, and I’m shocked to find myself in a real pair of arms – Kellan’s.  He actually caught me.  What the hell?  He looks stunned, just as I’m sure I do, and I have to force my body to move.  I quickly bring my arms over my head, grip my anlace in both hands, and bring it down right between his shell-shocked eyes.

Since I lack the ability to float in mid-air, I come crashing down hard on my tailbone which sends a wave of excruciating pain up my spine.  Words can’t adequately express the sensation, and I end up spewing a string of obscenities that make me sound like a seasoned sailor.  I roll on my side and pant for a moment.  Please stop hurting please stop hurting please stop hurting.

Madeline kneels to hover over me, and I find her face.  “There’s still one left!” I wheeze and she smiles.  She smiles.  Does that mean James took care of him?

Moments later, I bite my lip and get to my feet, seriously considering another line of work.  My body feels trashed in a way I never thought it could, but I can’t stay down.  I need to make sure my help isn’t needed.  When my eyes bounce around the room and find no threat I start to smile, but stop.  Everyone is staring at me.

“What?” I ask.  “Isn’t it over?”

Madeline looks at me with tears in her eyes.  “It is,” she whispers.  “Because of you.”

I give her a weary smile and allow my body to sag against one of the side tables that made it through the melee.  Her words unlock the floodgates; the realization that we eliminated Kellan and our fight is finished begins to sink in.  A surge of relief flows through me as Ash approaches.

“Are you hurt?”

I look up at him.  “You’re head is as hard as a rock.”

He glances at Madeline then smiles at me.  “I’ve been told that before.”

I feel a tap on my shoulder and turn to find James.  “You’re insane, you know that?”

I push myself off the table and into his waiting arms.  “How’s your shoulder?”

“Nice aim,” he teases then kisses my hair.  “You are unbelievable.”

“Do you mean my cursing or my fighting?”

“Both.  You saved us.”

That’s not entirely true.  “I had help.”

“Oh, Mad.  Look at this mess!”

Meg’s voice gives me pause, and I step back from James.  Without her I’d be dead, I know it.  She protected me when no one else could.  I move around James and step up to her.  “I owe you,” I say sincerely.  “You saved my life.”

She shakes her head and looks from my face to James, her expression softening to reveal all she feels for him.  “No.  I owed you.”

I give her a tiny smile and almost reach out to touch her.  Instead of getting overly sentimental, I thank her again and then turn to ask Madeline where she keeps her pain pills.  My back and tailbone are starting to speak.  I find her and Ash engaged in a passionate kiss, so I quickly look away.  My eyes fall back to Meg who is now facing James and holding both of his hands in hers.  Okay.  I feel a little out of place.

Suddenly, I know where I want to be.  I search the room for the clock that used to hang near the window and find it on the floor.  I walk toward it to consult the time.  It’s almost six and the urge to see Dane overcomes me.  What time did he say he would be here?  Seven?  I don’t want to wait another hour; there’s so much I need to tell him.  Would he mind if I dropped by his place?  There’s only one way to find out.

I head upstairs to call him.

“Everything all right?” Madeline asks as I pass her.

“I need to call Dane.”

“I know where he lives,” James volunteers.  “Would you rather speak to him in person?”

I’m momentarily confused until he asks Mad to assist him.  They take my wrists, and I feel the familiar fizzle of manifestation.  This night may turn out to be special after all.

When we arrive, I find myself standing on the sidewalk outside a row of townhomes.  I’m familiar with the complex; the buildings sit just outside of town.  James and Mad release me and I take a step forward.  “This one?”  I point to #202, the door directly in front of me.

James nods, and I start up the porch stairs.  On the second step, I turn around.

“Thanks for bringing me.”  I smile at the two of them.  “I’ll see you later?”

Madeline grins and vanishes while James lingers.  “Behave yourself,” he teases and his eyes meet mine.  They soften, as if he’s coming to a conclusion, and then he gives me a small wave and evaporates.

A nervous excitement starts to take over as I make my way up the stairs.  I have so much to talk to Dane about; I’m going to have to pace myself.  He’s going to think I’ve gone off the deep end if I start talking as fast as my heart is pounding.

I find the doorbell, press it, and then thrum my fingers anxiously as I wait.  Would it be too bold to try the knob and see if it’s unlocked?  I turn my ear to see if I can pick up any sound.  Finally, I hear footsteps, and I try to contain the idiotic smile that breaks across my face.  I seriously need to calm down.

The door is thrown open and words fall from my mouth.  “I know you were supposed to come to me but I couldn’t wait and…”

I freeze.  The eyes that meet mine aren’t expected.

“Well.”  Teagan sizes me up.  “Ding dong the witch isn’t dead.”

Chapter 21

Her statement takes a moment to process.  Is it possible she knows what I’ve been through?  Or is this some vague reference to the Wizard of Oz?

I read her thoughts since I don’t give two shits about being polite.  They tell me I was the Wicked Witch opposite her Dorothy at a Halloween party.  They also tell me that I look like a hot mess; I never bothered to check a mirror before I left.  Short pieces of hair stick out from my braid in every direction, my clothes are disheveled, and my chin sports a healthy bruise.  My eyes also look overly huge from finding her here.  I immediately adjust my features to look more confident.

“Who is it?” Dane asks, appearing behind Teagan.  Concern darts across his face when he sees me, and he anxiously brushes past his ex.  “What happened?”

I take in his appearance and find it a little hard to breathe.  Glancing at Teagan, I put two and two together and take a step back.  The only thing Dane has on is a pair of jeans.  No shirt, no socks.  Teagan is wearing a Detroit Tigers tee that’s way too big for her.  I know it’s his; she doesn’t strike me as the type who would pair that shirt with slacks and heels.  A hard knot forms in my stomach.  “I could ask you the same thing.”

Dane looks down at himself and then at me.  “This isn’t what it looks like.”

My brows arch skeptically.  “Then what is it?”

“She needed a file and spilled her coffee.  I lent her a shirt.”

“It was a Chai tea latte,” Teagan snaps.

I ignore her and focus on Dane.  “And you’re naked because?”

“I was changing clothes to come see you.”  He stands inches from me and searches my face.  “Are you okay?”

I give him a curt nod, still uncertain about the situation.  He widens his eyes giving me permission to read his mind; instead, I turn toward Teagan and read her thoughts.  She’s thinking about what he said, and I see her replay what happened.  She came over for a file all right, one that she purposefully placed in his bag.  When he retrieved it and asked her to leave, her Starbucks conveniently slipped and drenched her white silk blouse.  Shel was right.  This girl is relentless.

“You should go inside,” I tell Dane.  “You’ll get sick.”  It’s January, and he’s standing on the porch half dressed.

“Come on.”  He takes my hand and pulls me behind him, past Teagan and into his place.  I hear the door close as he deposits me in the living room and watch him gather the oh-so-important file and Teagan’s purse.  He balances one on top of the other and hands them to her.

“Here,” he says and shoves the items into her hands.  “I’ll see you at the office.”

“You’re making me leave?” she asks, her eyes wide with shock.

“Yes, I’m making you leave.  I have plans with Emma.”

“But I was here first,” she pouts.  Her eyes land on mine and narrow.  “I was always here first.”

Is that a threat?  The idea to physically escort her out appeals to me.  “I’d think twice about what you say,” I warn her.  “I’ve had a bad day.”

Her eyes rake over my body, analyzing everything in seconds.  “Looks like it.”

I take a deep breath to steady myself as a new idea comes to mind – strangulation.

“Okay.”  Dane steps between us.  “It’s time for you to go.”

“What about my shirt?” she asks, her voice morphing from snarky to innocent.  “When can I come back?”

Come back? I think.  Um, never.  “I’ll get it for you,” I volunteer, sickly sweet.  “Where is it?”

“In the bathroom,” Dane says before Teagan can answer.  His eyes widen and I hear, “Off the kitchen.”  We wouldn’t want her to think I didn’t know my way around.

I walk further into his place, past the dining area and into a small kitchen.  There’s another doorway, and I find a tiny bathroom.  Teagan’s blouse lies across the counter, the bottom half hanging in the sink.  It’s been rinsed, but I can still see the tea; it’s obvious the delicate fabric has been ruined.  Picking it up I catch the label.  Escada.  Expensive.  What wouldn’t this girl do to spend time with Dane?  More than ruin a pricey piece of clothing, I’m sure.

The shirt is damp in my hands, and as I turn to leave an evil thought enters my mind.  Maybe toilet water would remove the stain?

Moments later I make my way back to the living room just in time to see Dane push Teagan’s hand away from his chest.  It irritates me, and I walk faster.  He really ought to put some clothes on.

“Here you are.”  I toss the blouse at Teagan with two fingers, and she nearly drops the file to catch it.  She makes a face.  “Why is this so wet?”

I shrug innocently.  “That’s how I found it.”

She glares at me.

Dane steps further away from her and gestures toward the door.  “Goodbye,” he says sarcastically.

She turns to leave with a sour expression.  “I expect to see you at eight in the morning.”

“Or what?” Dane scoffs.  “You’ll fire me?  Please do.”

Teagan’s eyes bounce from Dane to me and back again.  Her thoughts reveal she’d never do that; she wants him around too much.  “Just don’t be late,” she snaps.  She heads to the door, violently throws it open, and then slams it behind her.

Dane is in front of me in seconds, holding my chin with gentle hands.  “Why does it look like someone punched you?”

“No one punched me.”  I wrap my hands around his wrists.  “The floor and I had an altercation.”

“You fell?”

“It’s more like I knocked heads with Ash, saw stars, and my jaw met the floor.”

He stares at me, confusion and worry etched across his face.  “You were fighting again, weren’t you?  You went to the Intermediate.”

“No.”  I draw a heavy breath.  “The Intermediate came to us.”

His eyes grow wide with surprise, and he immediately wraps me in his arms.  “Thank God you’re safe,” he murmurs against me.

I press my cheek to the skin of his chest and find his strong heartbeat.  My body immediately relaxes; it’s as if he is absorbing all of my tension.  My muscles feel weak at letting it go.

“You’re tired,” he observes as I sag against him.

I lift my head.  “Not really.  Just relieved to be here.”

“I’m sorry about Teagan,” he apologizes.  “I didn’t invite her.  You know what happened, right?”

“I do.  You shouldn’t leave your stuff unattended or mystery files will end up at your house.”

He groans.  “I knew I didn’t leave it in my bag.  She put it there?”

“Yes.  You might want to think about staying dressed in front of her as well.”  I arch a brow.  “That is, if you don’t want her getting all touchy-feely.  There’s only so much a girl can take.”

He starts to defend himself, but stops.  “Can you take it?” he asks and steps out of my arms.

Now that he mentions it, no.  Without Teagan distracting me, I find myself pleasantly uncomfortable in his half-naked presence.  I try not to stare at the defined muscles I always knew were there, but kept hidden beneath clothing.  I purposefully focus on his face which, lucky for me, is equally as nice to look at.  My ears start to burn.  “Um…” I stutter.  “You need clothes.”

He grins and takes my hand.  “Walk and talk,” he says as he pulls me behind him and up the stairs.  “I want to hear all about your visit from the supernatural.”

He leads me to his room where he drops my hand and heads to the dresser in search of a shirt.  As he finds one and pulls it over his head, I take a minute to peruse my surroundings: unmade king size bed, no headboard; side table strewn with a remote, a watch, and an alarm clock; flat screen mounted in the corner of the room between the closet and the window; and a Papasan chair with a blue cushion opposite the dresser.  It strikes me as a typical bachelor’s room.  I take a tentative seat on the bed as he turns to me.

“So?” he asks and sits down.  “Are you going to fill me in?”

I know where I need to begin, but thinking about the event that set everything in motion makes my chest feel hollow.  Garrett is dead; my friend is gone.  It’s such a final thought.  Saying it out loud will only make it that much more real.

I swallow and Dane notices.  His brow furrows, and he takes my hand.  “If it’s too hard you don’t have to – ”

“Garrett died,” the words fall from my mouth.  I didn’t mean to say them so insensitively; I just needed to get them out.

“He what?  When?” Dane’s face registers shock.  “I thought he was doing better.”

“I thought he was, too.  When I went to see him, after talking with you, he looked like the picture of perfect health.  He was even hungry.”  I give him a weak smile.

“So what happened?”

“He told me he was going to die.  He said Amelia, his first love, had come to him in his dreams.  She told him his time in the Intermediate killed his humanity, that when he completely turned he would pass.”

Dane squeezes my hand.

“He asked me to stay with him.”  My throat feels thick at the memory.  “He said he was scared.”  Tears prick my eyes.  “He died in my arms.”

With those words I’m immediately in Dane’s embrace.  He holds me tight and smoothes my hair.  “That’s horrible,” he whispers.  “Why didn’t you call me?”

I shrug against him.  “Jack found out and was furious; James and the other Guardians went to search for him.  I was locked in a haze for most of the morning until Madeline convinced me to take a bath.”  I’m rambling now.  “Jack appeared, pretending to be Garrett, and he lured me downstairs where the other Allegiant were waiting.  He’d turned Allegiant himself; he brought them to us.  Mad, Ash, James, and Meg – they were all trapped.”

Dane inhales sharply.  “How –?”

“I took them out,” I say, staring straight ahead.  “I killed Jack and some nameless Allegiant.  I killed Kellan.”  I sit up straight and my gaze meets Dane’s.  “I killed three people today.”

His eyes search mine.  “Are you okay?”

I pause to take stock of my body and blink back the tears that never fell.  “My head is tender, my shoulders and tailbone ache.  But, it’ll pass like it always does.”  Now that I think about it, I adjust my weight to my hip to take some pressure off my sore bottom.

“That’s not what I meant.”  He moves one hand to cradle my face.  “I meant in your heart, in your head.  Are you okay?”

“I think so,” I say honestly.  “I mean, I need to grieve for a lost friend and killing Jack was twisted.”  I hesitate.  “But it’s over.”  A small smile creeps on to my face.  “Kellan’s gone.  Lucas can come home.  It’s really over.”

Dane’s eyes light up at the revelation, and he brushes some stray hair from my face.  “What can I do?”

“About what?”

“About your pain.  Do you need ice or Motrin or food or something?”

I think about it as the throbbing at the crown of my head starts to feel tighter.  “This is going to sound silly but…could you rub my head?”

He smiles.  “I think that can be arranged.  Turn around.”

I do as he asks and turn my back toward him, scooting further toward the center of the bed and crossing my legs.  This hurts my tailbone, so I end up curling my legs to the side instead.  He removes my hair tie with a soft tug, pulls my braid apart until my hair is a crazy mess, weaves his fingers up under my hair, and then begins applying gentle pressure to my scalp.  At first I feel self-conscious; I’m sure I look like some sort of untamed wild woman.  But, as the tips of his fingers move in small circles against my tender skin, I want to melt.  His hands are magic, and the ache in my head starts to wane.

“I don’t like your hair braided,” he says as he works.

My droopy eyelids pop open.  “Why?”

“Because it’s not you.  It reminds me of Madeline, and she’s not hot.”

“What?” I interrupt his work and look over my shoulder. “Madeline is beautiful.”

He tenderly moves my head back into position.  “In a motherly sort of way.”

I sigh.  “You don’t like it because it reminds you of what I can do,” I nearly whisper because his hands are moving again.  “You’re afraid I’ll hurt you one day.”

He snickers.  “Maybe so.  The way you wear your hair should be our code; if you’re mad at me, braid it.  Then I’ll know to stay away.”

I laugh which comes out as some sort of weird garbled scoff-sigh.  I could fall asleep under his touch.  “How should I wear my hair?” I murmur.

“Down,” he says immediately.  “Down or half-up.”

Apparently he’s thought about this?  “What if it’s hot?” I complain.

“Ponytail.”

Well, okay then.

We fall silent as he massages my head; I swear I’ve found some sort of endless heaven.  Just when I don’t think it can get any better, he moves down to my shoulders and presses his thumbs hard against my shoulder blades, running them in circles.  “These hurt too, right?”

I nod and let my chin droop to my chest.  He works his way along the tops of my shoulders, my shoulder blades, and then up my neck.  Does he have some sort of masseuse training I don’t know about?  Despite how amazing this feels I can’t help myself and find a sarcastic comment.  “Are you going to massage my ass next?”

His mouth appears at my ear.  “Only if you’ll let me.”

I wasn’t expecting his voice to be so close and it startles me.  Or maybe it’s the feeling of his breath against my skin.  I try to remain unaffected and lift my head.  “That might be awkward.  I think my tailbone will be fine, thanks.”

“Hey, you’re the one who asked.”

He continues to mold my muscles under his palms, and I glance around his room once more.  I look out the open door and into another bedroom that sits across the hall.  It’s set up like an office, and I can see a desk, a Mac, a file cabinet, and stacks of random papers.  But I also see art.  Tons of art.

“Can I look across the hall?” I ask.

His hands stop moving.  “If you want.”

I scoot off the bed and smile.  “I want.”

When we enter his office, I’m blown away.  I know he works for Legionnaire, which is an advertising company, but I had no idea he created anything off the computer.  Sure, some of the ads he’s created are framed and hung, but what catches my eye are the pieces that are done in pencil or charcoal.  Most are on plain paper, only a handful look to be on canvas.  His artwork consists mostly of landscapes or a single subject, like a leaf or a gnarled tree.  I roam around the room, awed by his talent, until I come full circle.  My eyes land on a picture that leans across the arms of an upholstered chair; the canvas is by far the biggest in the room.  I move toward it, mesmerized, until I realize what it is.

Dane’s hands land on my shoulders from behind.  “It’s not finished,” he says quietly.  “You’re always a work in progress.”

My eyes grow wide as I take in the drawing; it’s the only one in the room that’s done in color.  I walk toward it cautiously, like it might bite me.  It’s overwhelming to see myself because it’s clearly me, yet it’s not.  This girl is gorgeous.

“When did you –?”

“I started it after we got back from Western.”  He steps to my side.  “It’s my favorite memory of you.”

I’m lying on my side, asleep.  One arm rests beneath my head and the other is bent in front of me, my hand nearly reaching my face.  I can tell I’m in bed by the way he’s drawn the blanket to hug my every curve; he’s given me a waist and hips and long, long legs.  My hair flows around me in waves, down my back and across the pillow; he’s colored it far more auburn and striking than in real life.  Long, full lashes grace my cheeks, and he’s made my lips perfect and pouty and pink.  All of my exposed skin is sun-kissed, and I know this has to be from our time on the island.

“This is what I woke up to in St. Thomas,” he says, his voice low.  “I’d wake early each morning just to watch you sleep.”

I turn to him, completely baffled and honored at the same time.  “You’re incredibly talented.”  I place my hands against his chest.  “That’s not who I see when I look in the mirror.”

His hands wind around my waist, find the back pockets of my jeans, and slide inside.  “It’s who I see every time I close my eyes.”

Oh my heart.  It wants to leap out of my chest.

He pulls me to him, presses me against him, and finds my mouth.  His kiss is demanding yet soft, and my arms slide up his chest, around his neck, and hold him to me.  After a moment, his lips move delicately over my injured chin, travel along my jaw, and bury themselves under my ear.  My body starts to warm against him as his hands move to my lower back, slide beneath my shirt, and then out again.

“Stupid rules,” he murmurs into my ear.

“Oh!” I step back, startling him.  “I forgot!”

“Forgot what?”

“Our wager.”  My eyes get big.  “Our bet.”

He gives me a sideways glance then wraps his arms around my waist again.  “You’re right.  We do have that matter to attend to.”

“You first.”  I poke his chest.  “What did you think I was going to tell you tonight?”

He smiles.  “That you wanted me Larvatus.  I thought you were setting it up for Ash to Gift me when I came over.”

I bite my lip to stop my stupid grin.

“That’s not it, is it?”

I shake my head.  “What would you have asked for if you had won?”

He pulls me closer.  “I was going to ask if you would consider moving in with me.”

I’m surprised.  “Really?  That’s kind of a big step, don’t you think?”

He meets my eyes.  “I figured if we were both Charmed you might want to.  Ash gave me the idea.”

Ash did say that.  The thought of living with Dane both excites and scares me.  I know without a doubt that I want to start something with him, but moving in together is a big commitment.

“So?” he breaks my train of thought.  “Don’t keep me in suspense.  What did you want to tell me?”

Suddenly, I’m nervous.  This is huge.  This is the official beginning of us.

I take a deep breath.  “Yesterday morning…” I pause, my heart beating fast.  Geez!  It feels like I’m asking this guy to marry me or something.  “Yesterday morning I let James go.”  My words come out in a rush.

His body tenses, and he blinks at me.

“Did you hear what I said?” I ask quietly.

He slowly nods.  “Say it again.”

“Yesterday morning I let James go.”

He moves one hand from my waist to the nape of my neck.  “You chose me?” he asks in disbelief.

I smile.  “If you’ll have me.”

His gaze shifts to my mouth and he dips his head, catching my lips in a soul-crushing kiss.

“Is that a yes?” I ask when he rests his forehead against mine.

“That’s a hell yes,” he breathes against me.  “You so win.”

“I knew I would.”

“What do I owe you?” he asks.  “Anything you want.”

I lift my forehead away from his.  “Well, I had thought about having fun with this and making you my beck-and-call-boy for awhile.”

He runs his fingers up my spine and down again sending shivers to my toes.  “I’m already there.”

“But I’ll ask for your patience instead.”  I try to remain focused.  “This relationship stuff is new for me; I don’t want to screw it up.  I know we have a past, but I don’t remember it.  I need to get to know you again.  Do you think you could start over with me?”

He pulls me close.  “I’ve already told you I can’t resist you.  I’ll start wherever you are.”

My stomach growls loudly, interrupting our serious discussion.

“And it looks like we’re starting with dinner.”  Dane smirks.  “What do you have in there?  Some sort of monster?”

My nose scrunches.  “I haven’t eaten since yesterday.  That’s a record, I think.”

He laughs, takes my hand, and leads me downstairs where we consult a plethora of take-out menus.  It takes us awhile to sort through them because everything sounds so good I want it all, not to mention Dane keeps stopping to kiss me.  Finally, we ditch the take-out plan and head to the nearest restaurant, Kentucky Fried Chicken.  We order an eight-piece meal and polish it off when we get back to his place.

“I’m not the only one who was hungry,” I note as I wipe my greasy fingers.  “You ate just as much as I did.”

He grins while finishing a honey covered biscuit.

“Sweet tooth?” I ask.

“Guilty,” he says, his mouth so full it comes out more like “gilfy.”

I laugh.  “I’m learning things about you just by having dinner.”  Pulling my legs from beneath me, I leave the living room to throw away our trash.  When I come back, an idea strikes me.

“Let’s play Truth or Dare,” I suggest.

He looks at me suspiciously.  “Why?”

“So I can learn more about you.”  I sit next to him on the couch and lean back against the armrest, throwing my legs over his lap.  “You game?”

“You have to promise to do the dares,” he challenges me.

“Of course.”  I roll my eyes.  “I’m not going to welch on my own suggestion.”

“Remember that.”  He winks at me.

“You first,” I say.  “Truth or dare?”

“Truth.”

“What’s your favorite color?”

He rests one arm along the back of the couch.  “It used to be blue, but now it’s green.”

“Why’d you switch?”

“Look in the mirror.”

My cheeks flush.  My eyes are green.

“Your turn,” he says.  “Truth or dare?”

“Truth.”

“What did you think the first time we kissed?”

My forehead pinches.  “I don’t remember the first time we kissed.”

“I mean when we got back from the island.  Our experiment.”

I tilt my head.  “I thought it wasn’t very hard to kiss you and it was really nice.”

He gives me a stale look.  “Nice?  That’s it?”

I place my hand on top of his.  “Not long after, I was trying to figure out how to make it happen again.  Does that count?”

Apparently it does because his eyes light up.

“Now you,” I tell him.  “Pick one.”

“Dare.  Read my mind.”

His thoughts ring clear.  “Dare me to kiss you.”

My eyes get wide.  “I have to dare you to do that?”

“Never.”  He braces his arms, hovers above me, and zeroes in.  His kiss is all consuming, illegal even, like he’s claiming me as his own.  After a minute or two, when he moves back to where he was sitting, my lips feel swollen.

“What did you think that time?” he asks, cocky.

I narrow my eyes, refusing to admit that he’s an amazing kisser.  I don’t want to start a discussion as to how he refined his skills.  I smirk.  “You taste like honey.”

He rolls his eyes.  “Your turn.”

“Truth.”

He hesitates over his question.  “How did James take the news?” he finally asks.

I frown.  We just went from carefree to serious in seconds.  “That’s heavy.”

“I need to know if I should watch my back.”

I shift my weight.  “It went okay.  We’re still friends; we’ll always be in each other’s life.  He’s Allegiant, I’m Larvatus.  We’re a team.”

Dane’s brow furrows and his hand tenses around my knee.  I can tell something’s wrong; he doesn’t like my answer.

“Truth or dare?” I ask quietly.

“Truth.”

“What’s bothering you?”

He lets out a resigned sigh.  “I don’t like that you’re still involved.”  He looks at me.  “Will I ever have you to myself?”

“It’s not like that.”  I sit up straight.  “James is with Meg.  I overheard them talking; I found out he was repressing his feelings for her out of some misconstrued obligation to me.”

Dane frowns.  “He said that?”

“Well, yeah.”

“I thought he was fighting for you.”

“He was.  He told Meg he would give himself to me if I wanted him, no questions asked.  I had to think long and hard about that.”  I pause.  “In the end, I had to be the one to make the decision for both of us.  I made the choice that would make us both happy.”

Dane leans toward me, concerned.  “How much more do you think you can bear?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“In practically one day you’ve broken up with your long-time boyfriend, watched a friend die, and killed your mortal enemies.”

I look down.  Yeah, yesterday and this afternoon sucked.  I’m not going to forget what happened anytime soon.  But….

“You’re forgetting the best part.”  I look up and run my knuckles down his cheek.  “I have you.”

His eyes flash and his shoulders relax.  “Truth or dare.”

I’m feeling bold.  “Dare.”

“Stay here tonight.”

I lean forward and hold my face inches from his.  “You couldn’t pay me to leave.”

He quickly reaches for his phone, pulling it from his pocket.  He glances at the screen then holds it out to show me the time.  “Is 8:01 too early for bed?”

“Not on a school night.”  I’m being sarcastic, but it is Tuesday.

He swings my legs off his and stands, then pulls me to my feet.  He busies himself turning off lights and making sure the front door is locked.  As he moves around the room with newfound energy, I realize I should have been more specific.  I’m afraid he’s expecting more than I can give.

When he reaches for my hand and tows me toward the stairs, I say, “Slow down!  We need to talk about – ”

He abruptly stops walking, and I bounce off him.  “Sorry,” he apologizes.  “I’m not expecting anything from you tonight, if that’s what you were going to say.  Waking up next to you is enough for me.”

I exhale.  “Okay.  Good.”  This is new, and I don’t think I’m ready for absolutely everything yet.  “Can we still play Truth though?  So far all I’ve discovered is your favorite color.”

“Sure.”

When we make it his room, he moves to the dresser and finds me a shirt to wear before changing himself.  “Here.”  He tosses me a white undershirt for bed.

I hold it up.  “This thing is practically see through,” I chastise him.

“So?” he asks over his shoulder.

“Are you trying to make things difficult for yourself?” I raise my eyebrows and think of his earlier words.  “Can you take it?”

A slow smile spreads across his face.  “I can.  I’m sorry you couldn’t earlier.”

I purse my lips.  “Fine.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”  I turn my back, although I still don’t completely get what he sees in me.  I quickly remove my shirt while simultaneously pulling on his, revealing nothing in the way that girls do; we’re masters at getting dressed in front of people.  His shirt falls almost to my knees, so I slide out of my jeans, also revealing nothing.  I move my arms beneath the shirt to take off my bra, sliding it off and tossing it on the floor, again, completely covered.

“Do they take you aside and teach every female how to do that?” Dane asks from behind me.

I turn around.  “It’s an age old secret, the result of being forced to undress in crowded locker rooms for gym,” I explain.

“Ah.”  He pulls back the sheets.

“You know,” I can’t help but comment, “if you keep giving your shirts to random girls you won’t have any left.”

“Funny.  Would you rather Teagan stayed naked?”

“I’m sure that was her plan.”  I don’t like that she was wearing his clothes now that I’m doing the exact same thing.

“I’ll burn that shirt if she ever gives it back to me,” he mutters.

I crawl on to the bed and sit.  “Which side is yours?”

“The middle,” he responds.  “Take your pick.”

I decide to head to my right, crawling under the sheets, and busying myself with fluffing the pillow.  Dane is changing and he’s not being very secretive about it; although, he just pulls on sleep pants over his boxer briefs.  He hits the light and joins me, sliding beneath the blankets.  We reach for each other, and I wind my body against his.  Immediately, I know there is no place I’d rather be.

We’re silent for a few moments until he kisses my forehead.  “Ask me truth,” he says softly.

I lift my head off his shoulder to look at him.  “Truth?”

“I love you.”

My breath catches, and he feels it.  This is only the second time he’s told me this that I can remember, the first being when he explained why he wasn’t with Teagan anymore.

“You don’t have to say it back,” he says as he runs his fingers through my hair.  “I just wanted you to know.”

I swallow.  “I feel like I should say it.”

His hand stops.  “Do you want to?”

I don’t know if I’m ready to say this.  He told me I said it before, right as Kellan blasted my memories away.  I know I’m leaning in that direction, but this feels like a giant step.  We’re supposed to be starting over, not leaping off a cliff all crazy-like.

My mouth opens to rationalize my decision to wait, but my eyes catch his and I know I’m a goner.  The way he looks at me, even in the dark, is insane.  Has anyone ever looked at me this way before?  I doubt it.  I still don’t understand why he feels the way he does about me, but I’m not about to question it now.  For the first time since this Guardian mess started I realize how truly lucky I am.  Garrett made me promise to live a full life.  It’s time to start living it.

I pull myself higher and bring my eyes level with Dane’s.  “I love you,” I whisper, and lean in to show him how much.

Chapter 22

Dane’s body shifts beside mine as he silences his ringing phone.  I roll on to my stomach to stay buried in the bed; it seems way too early for the outside world.  I drift back to sleep and wake some time later to the delicious smell of breakfast.  My stomach is ecstatic at the promise of bacon.

Stretching my arms over my head and my feet in the opposite direction, I take inventory on how I feel.  My tailbone remains unhappy yet improved; my head and shoulders no longer ache.  I move to my side and run my hand over the spot where Dane slept, a slow smile spreading across my face.  This is really happening for us.

Over the course of the night I learned several things, some from our Truth game.  Dane’s middle name is Ryan, he played baseball in middle school, graduated college a semester early, and his favorite cartoon as a kid was X-Men.  His all-time favorite food is a rib eye steak, preferably grilled, and he had one steady girlfriend prior to Teagan.  It was a sweet, eighth grade romance.

The other knowledge I gained wasn’t spoken.  It was felt.  Last night was the most peaceful night I’ve spent in a long, long time.  There’s no question that I feel content in his arms; I feel safe.  Now that I’ve let my guard down, I can’t believe how blind I was to my attraction to him.  I’m sure all the making out probably reinforced those emotions, but damn!  I’ve never felt this way; at least not that I can recall.  My eyes land on my wrist, on my bracelet, and I wish there was another way to reclaim my lost memories.  I want to remember every single moment with him.

Dane’s phone vibrates against the bedside table, and I snap to.  It’s time to get up and get moving.  I scoot out of the bed, careful of my sore behind, and decide to get dressed in what I wore yesterday.  As much as I like being here, a change of clothes and my toothbrush would be nice.  Should I ask him if I could leave some of my things here or would that be too forward?  He said he wanted me to consider moving in, but that was before he knew of my decision.  I’m curious if the motivation behind that thought was to get me away from James at any cost.  Now that he has me, would he really want me around all the time?

As I head to the bathroom to throw my hair up in a ponytail, Dane’s phone vibrates again.  Someone is really trying to get a hold of him.  I decide to grab his cell and take it with me, to give it to him downstairs.  Unfortunately, the text message received is prominently displayed.

It’s because of that bitch isn’t it?

Okay, what?  Those are fighting words.  I know I shouldn’t, but I slide my finger across the screen to unlock it.  Dane’s cell opens to a text thread with Teagan.  Only the last few messages are visible, and they’re all from this morning.

8:08 Teagan:  You’re late.

8:09 Dane:  I quit.

8:10 Teagan:  You can’t do that to me.

He didn’t respond.

8:42 Teagan:  Can you at least tell me why?

Then, five minutes later, the message that degrades me appeared.

I set the phone back on the table because I’m tempted to scroll through their prior discussions.  Nothing screams “I don’t trust you!” like snooping through someone’s cell.  I decide to leave the device behind as I leave the room; I don’t want Dane to know I purposefully read his texts.  In the bathroom, as I pull my hair back, the thought of Teagan makes my skin crawl.  I understand why Dane quit his job again.  How could I subtly hint to him that he should also change his number?

When I find him in the kitchen he’s scraping scrambled eggs out of a pan and on to two plates.  I walk up behind him and wrap my arms around his waist.

“Good morning,” I say against his back.

He looks over his shoulder and smiles.  “Hungry?”

“Starving.  I didn’t know you could cook.”

“My repertoire is limited,” he says as he focuses on the task at hand.  “How much bacon do you want?”

“Did you seriously ask me that?” I sound surprised.  “Like, all of it.”

He laughs and places a few pieces on one plate and then sets the rest on the other.  He picks up both dishes, and I release him so he can turn around.  When he looks at me his face falls.  “Shouldn’t you be wearing my shirt?”

I look down at myself and back at him with a smirk.  “Shouldn’t you be at work?”

“I quit,” he says like it’s an everyday thing to do.

“Why?” I manage a confused glance.  “Teagan’s going to be pissed.”

He shrugs and moves past me to the small dining table where silverware and orange juice wait.  “That’s not my problem.  Lucas will be back soon; she doesn’t need me.”

Following him, I take a seat.  “But what will you do?”  Don’t get me wrong; I’m happy that he won’t be around his gorgeous and annoying ex.  But, I don’t want him broke either.

“My resume is ready to go.”  He stabs his eggs.  “All I have to do is send it out.”  He smiles at me before taking a bite.  “No worries, Grace.”

I smile at his nickname for me and pick up a salty strip of bacon.  “Well, since you have nothing better to do,” I pull the meat in half, “can you drop me at Ash and Mad’s?  I need to shower and brush my teeth.  I feel kinda gross.”

Dane swallows his food.  “You can use my toothbrush.”

“Ew!”  My face contorts.  “That’s nasty.”

He grins.  “You didn’t have a problem with my tongue in your mouth.  What’s the difference?”

My face flushes.  “You did not just say that.”

“It’s the truth.”

I concentrate on eating, unable to look at him.  It may be true, but do we have to discuss it?

“You’re cute when you’re embarrassed,” his voice is playful.  “What else can I tease you about?”

“I’m sure you’ll think of something,” I say sarcastically.  It doesn’t bode well for me that he has a memory bank of us that I don’t have access to.

After a few more bites, he changes the subject.  “So, I’ve been thinking.”

I shoot him a questioning glance.

“Aren’t you supposed to be vacationing with Shel?  When do your parents expect you back?”

“Saturday,” I answer.  “My internship begins next week and so does my class.”

“What would you say if I asked you to stay with me for the next few days?”

I pick up my juice.  “Like live here?”

“Just until you have to be home.”

“Don’t you think you’ll get sick of me?  We just got together.”

He smiles.  “I lived with you in St. Thomas for almost a month.  I think I can handle it.”

I look down to think it over, but who am I kidding?  His proposition sounds perfect.  Except…  “What will we do all day?  Stare at each other?”

His eyes light up.  “I have some ideas.”

Butterflies instantly appear in my stomach.

Dane stands and approaches me, setting one hand on the table and the other on my chair, boxing me in.  “Let me romance you.”  His eyes soften and search mine.  “At Western I promised we’d date and so far I’ve only managed to take you to the Bay Woods employee party.  When you start working you’ll be busy what?  Twenty?  Thirty hours a week?  Let’s enjoy this time while we can.”

Now my heart starts to flutter.  Am I turning into some sort of lovesick mess?  “You want to wine and dine me for the next three days?”

“Amongst other things.”  His expression turns wicked.  “The harder you fall the easier it will be to get you naked.”

My mouth falls open as I blush.  “That’s what this is about?  You’re expecting the Big Event before Saturday?”

He laughs.  “The what?”

“You know what I mean.”  I cross my arms.  “I thought I won your patience from our bet.”

He shakes his head.  “I’m teasing you, Grace.”  He plants an innocent kiss on my forehead.  “I don’t expect the Big Event before Saturday.”  He looks into my eyes again.  “What do you say?”

Of course I’m going to say yes; I’m not stupid.  But, I feel like he’s going overboard and it isn’t necessary.  “I’ll stay but on one condition.”  I hold up my finger.  “No fancy stuff.”  He’s not working and he doesn’t need to spend a bunch of money on me.  “In fact, let me make you dinner tonight.  Then you can have the other two days.”

“Agreed.”  He leans back and moves around the table to finish his breakfast.  He picks up his fork with a gleam in his eye.  “Hurry and eat so we can go get your things.”

“Welcome back,” Ash greets us as we enter the house.  He’s wearing splattered coveralls and holds a spackling knife, his hands covered in white paste.

“What are you doing?” I ask.

“Fixing the damage.”

He smiles like he’s having fun, and I read his thoughts.  He’s relieved everything is over even if it means major home repair.

“Let me help you,” Dane murmurs as he looks around the living room.  His eyes land on mine, and he frowns.  “You downplayed the fight a bit don’t you think?”

I glance around.  There are sporadically spaced gaping holes in the drywall, only about a quarter of which are patched.   You can see where part of the staircase railing was blasted away and the remaining spindles stand cut off and sharp.  Scorch marks grace the floor and ceiling, and minimal furniture remains in the room.

I turn to Dane and shrug.  “You didn’t ask for a play by play.”

He takes off his coat and starts to roll up his sleeves.  “What can I do?” he asks Ash.

“I’ll help too,” I volunteer, “after I take a quick shower.”  I’m literally craving hot water and deodorant; I hope I don’t come across as yucky as I feel.  I make my way to the stairs, take one last look at Dane, and read his mind.  “Don’t forget to pack.”

I can’t help but smile.

When I’m clean and comfortable, I round up the few things I brought with me to stay with The Larvatus.  It all fits in my suitcase with no trouble.  Seeing the bag reminds me that I need to call Shel and fill her in on everything that’s happened.  She’s going to be disappointed that Garrett didn’t make it; I hope she won’t blame herself in any way.  There was nothing any of us could have done.  Which reminds me – where is his body?  I involuntarily shudder.

“Are you leaving?”

I look up to find James in the doorway.  “Yeah, Dane asked me to stay with him for a few days.”

“That doesn’t surprise me.”

I smile as I mess with my suitcase.  “So how are things with Meg?  Good?”

“They’re decent,” he says and tries to suppress a grin.

My eyes light up, happy for him.  Any rational person would be upset that their ex found happiness with someone else so soon.  Not me.  I’m excited for him because I can relate to what he’s experiencing.  Plus, Meg isn’t all that terrible; she helped me tremendously during the fight.

“I’m glad.”  I set my suitcase by the door.  “I’m headed to help Ash and Dane.  What are you up to?”

“Fetching you,” he says.  “We brought Lucas here last night.  He’d like to talk to you.”

This is news.  “How is he?”

“Still weak, but better.  He’s disappointed that Garrett suffered and angry about what we had to go through.  He feels he owes you an apology.”

I grimace.  The bad guys are gone; it’s time to move on.  Let’s stop rehashing the past and move forward already.  “I’m not in the mood to discuss anything depressing.”

James shrugs.  “Better now than later.”

I sigh and start out the door.

“Em, wait,” he says and gently pulls me back.  He catches my hand and runs his thumb across my knuckles.  “I need to tell you something.”

I give him a curious look and his cerulean blue eyes focus on mine.  “Meg is great, and I’m excited about what our future may hold.  But, I want you to know she will never replace what we had.  I don’t want you to think that I’m moving on easily, as if all our time together meant nothing.  Because it means everything.  I’ll never forget what we shared.”

Why does it sound like he’s saying goodbye?  I frown.  “Are you going somewhere?”

“Nowhere unfamiliar.”  He gives me half a smile.  “Lucas has asked me to accompany him to the Intermediate to keep things in order.  We’re the only two Allegiant left that can be trusted.”

I recall the fight and the one Allegiant that ran away.  “Do you think the other could be a problem?”

“Depends.”  James weaves his fingers through mine.  “He could reveal what happened here which wouldn’t be good.  As far as the Intermediate is concerned nothing has changed.  The Guardians still think the same Allegiant watch over them and humanity is not an option.  Once word spreads who knows what will happen.”

I recall the story Ash told when we first met, about The Larvatus and when they were first created.  If unhappy Guardians find out The Larvatus exist, how many will leave their Wards, search out the Charmed, and ask to be Reborn?  “Mass exodus,” I murmur.

James nods.  “Possibly.  We need to sit down and make some decisions.  And soon.”

“Like what?”

“We have to figure out how many Allegiant to create and who is worthy; we need to decide how to work with the Charmed now that we know they still exist.  The Larvatus have agreed to spread the word that any Guardian who seeks them out should not be automatically Reborn, but we still need to figure out how to organize our efforts.”

A slow smile breaks across my face.  “See?  I told you we were a team.”

He returns my grin.

“And look at you, helping to rule the Intermediate.  That’s quite a promotion.”

He sighs.  “It’s a job I never signed up for.”

“But one you’ll be amazing at.”  I step closer to him.  “What you’ve experienced will prevent what happened to us from happening to other people.  Maybe this was your calling all along.”

He pauses to consider my thoughts.  “You could be right.  I just wish I didn’t have to hurt you so much in the process.”

I push his hair off his forehead and out of his eyes.  “I won’t forget what we’ve shared either,” I tell him.  “But I will miss my friend.  Are you planning on having a human life too?”

“Absolutely,” he says without hesitation.  “I’m not giving up you or Matt or Shel.”

“Good.”  I step forward and wrap him in a hug.  He holds me tightly and when we step apart he smiles.  “So, you know my plans for the foreseeable future.  What about you?”

“Besides staying with Dane it’s the same old, same old.”  We exit the bedroom and head downstairs.  “My class and internship start on Monday.”

“I’m proud of you,” James says as we walk.  “You could have easily given up with all that’s happened.  You’ll have to let me know when graduation is; I want to be there.”

I smile.

When we reach the living room, I find Dane and Ash still hard at work; although, Dane is talking to Lucas over his shoulder.  His boss, Teagan’s father, sits on the couch, and I remember his black hair and moustache from the brief absence of my jewelry.

“There she is.”  Lucas gives me a genuine smile and rises to greet me.  He appears shaky, so I pick up the pace so he won’t keel over.  He extends his hands and I take them.  “I’ve heard some amazing things about you.”

I blush.  “I’m sure whatever you’ve heard was exaggerated.”

He sits down on the couch and pulls me to join him.  “You wiped out a room of Allegiant,” he says.  “That’s no small feat.”

I shrug.  “My friends were in danger.  There was no other choice.”

Lucas grips my hands and looks me in the eye.  “I owe you so much.  Thank you.”

I’m confused.  He owes me nothing.  What I did was second nature; anyone in my position would have done the same.  My response comes out more like a question.  “You’re welcome?”

He chuckles.  “You have no idea, do you?  You’ve saved me in more ways than one.”

Now he’s really lost me.

“Not only did you get rid of the person that was trying to eliminate me, you convinced my best employee to return to work and save my company.  We’re talking about my family’s livelihood here.  I love my daughter very much, but there’s no way she could have done it alone.  That was incredibly selfless of you seeming as how you and Dane are involved.”

Oh.  Does he know I didn’t remember his daughter enough to worry?

Lucas looks at Dane, who has his back to us.  “I’ve been trying to convince him to stay on with the promise that Teagan will not.”

Dane ignores him and continues to patch the wall.

“Anyway,” Lucas focuses back on me, “please accept my thanks and an apology.  If I had known the Charmed still existed I would have sought them out.  Garrett would never have assigned James to you; you wouldn’t have had to run away.  You wouldn’t have lost your memory, and you wouldn’t have become Larvatus.”

I open my mouth to tell him I enjoy my new abilities, but James rounds the furniture and asks a question before I can.  “Garrett once said that his being Reborn was part of your plan, something you were working toward to benefit humanity.  What were you trying to prove?”

As Lucas gives James a defeated look, I realize our conversation now has the attention of everyone in the room.  Ash and Dane have focused on us, as well as Madeline who just rounded the corner from the kitchen.

“I’m afraid my plans weren’t that original,” he admits.  “The Larvatus have been doing what I envisioned for years.”  His eyes land on Ash.  “Decades ago, I stumbled upon an old text written by Xavier himself.  The book was hidden behind some thick volumes in The Allegiant’s library.  His writing documented his experiments with his previous Ward; I believe her name was Catherine.”

“Let me guess,” Ash says.  “She wanted to be human.”

Lucas nods.  “He analyzed everything in excruciating detail.  Why Guardians existed, how they are created, what can they do, it went on and on.  Then, when he started to explore why Guardians were released, he found his answer.  Catherine assigned her Ward to his true love, and she became human again.  She was Reborn.”

I want to ask how that works, but I’m not sure if it’s my place.  Ash reads my mind and asks for me.  “How does that act restore humanity?”

Lucas looks around the room.  “What’s the one thing that releases a Guardian into eternity?”

Do I know the answer to this question?  It feels like I should.

James speaks.  “Love,” he says quietly.  “True love is the only thing that can release a Guardian from their duty.”

“Precisely,” Lucas says.  “Love is a powerful force.  When a Guardian assigns a Ward to their beloved, what they feel for one another is released.  The Guardian absorbs the couple’s connection and their love gives him life.”

My eyes lock on James as this information settles over me.  Our feelings for each other gave Garrett life.  What we had must have been incredibly strong.

Lucas redirects my attention.  “Xavier’s writings ended there.  If we look back at history, we can assume he took his findings to the other Allegiant, who then condemned him for his curiosity.  I think we all know what happened next, except I was under the impression that none of The Larvatus remained.  I thought the method he discovered to create the Charmed was lost long ago.”

He pauses and rubs his palm over his tired eyes.  “Once I stumbled upon the method to being Reborn I couldn’t shake it from my mind.  It had to exist for a reason and what better reason than to guide humanity from the Intermediate and below?  I convinced myself that my idea was progressive, beyond Xavier’s original vision, and I took my thoughts to my brothers.  Of course they didn’t agree, so I set out on my own to prove them wrong.  I recruited Garrett and Jack because I knew they were unhappy.  If one of them could be Reborn, I could support the possibilities.”

“But, you knew it would ruin Emma and me,” James says.  He steps closer to Lucas; his eyes hard, his jaw tense.  “It’s forbidden to assign a Guardian to who they love.  You knew it would ruin us, but you made Garrett do it anyway.”

Lucas sighs.  “You know The Allegiant are full of themselves to a debilitating extent.  I regret my arrogance; back then, I felt the experiment was worth the risk.  All the things that have happened…the attempt on my life…everything…all I have learned has been humbling to say the least.  I should never have discounted how hard this would be on the two of you.”  He looks between James and I, then offers James his hand.  “Search my memories.  I want you to know I’m telling the truth.”

James eyes his hand suspiciously and doesn’t take it.  “What good would it do?”  He steps away angry.  “It won’t change anything.”

But I can see that it will.  “Do it,” I tell James.  “The two of you rule the Intermediate now; you have to rely on each other.  Your partnership won’t work without trust.”

“She’s right,” Ash agrees.  “Last night you said you wanted to work with The Larvatus for the greater good.  I can’t agree to that if you don’t have faith in one another.  Our kind needs to trust you.”  He looks pointedly at Lucas and then at James.  “Show us you want this alliance.”

I read Ash’s mind, and he silently hopes that James will cooperate.  He needs reassurance to partner with our former enemy.  If James can demonstrate he’s willing to try and move past what Lucas did – if Lucas’ thoughts ring true – then Ash can move forward with a clear conscience.

James hesitates, and I silently plead with him.  Do this and don’t be a stubborn ass!  I’d like to make sure Lucas isn’t inherently evil as well.  The man knows all about me, and he’s still holding one of my hands.  James finally relents and takes Lucas up on his offer, grasping his hand and closing his eyes in a determined concentration.

Several minutes pass and tension fills the air.  I look at Madeline, who gives me a small reassuring smile.  I look at Ash, who waits patiently, yet taps his fingers against his crossed arms.  And I look at Dane, who looks a little lost.  Finally, when James opens his eyes and blinks to focus, his expression is dazed, but confident.  What must he have seen?  He gives Ash a curt nod.  Lucas checks out.

Ash steps forward and extends his hand to James.  “I trust you,” he says with confidence.  They shake and then Ash repeats the gesture with Lucas.  “Let’s learn from our past and move forward, shall we?”

Hours later, as I busy myself in Dane’s kitchen, my mind wanders through the events of this afternoon.  A supernatural alliance was created before my eyes with a simple handshake.  You would think a partnership of that magnitude, one that eradicates thousands of years of hatred between groups, would have called for some sort of ceremony.  Maybe a chant or a sacrificial toast or the signing of a document.   None of that happened.  I almost volunteered to be their scribe, to record this event for future generations, but I got sidetracked.  For one, Madeline presented me with Garrett’s ashes.  And for two, Meg, who appeared shortly after the Declaration of Codependence, apologized for her Ward’s behavior.

Finding out Garrett was cremated was the first big surprise.  Madeline produced a small gilded box with more reverence than what was afforded our new other-worldly alliance.  She told me she and Ash gently took care of his remains with an enchantment, and they agreed I should be the one to decide his final resting place.  Whether that be with me or somewhere else she didn’t know, but The Larvatus felt strongly this is what Garrett would have wanted.  The news garnered confused looks from both James and Dane, and I didn’t feel like explaining Garrett’s feelings for me.  I really don’t understand them myself and, for whatever reason, I felt the situation was too personal to reveal.  I simply accepted the box as graciously as I could, and it now resides on the front seat of my car.  I know that’s tacky, but what am I supposed to do with it while I’m at Dane’s?  I’ll give it a place of honor when I get home, somewhere nice while I decide what to do.

After that, I worked side by side with Dane patching holes.  It was fun.  He made the mistake of trying to spackle me instead of the wall, which left me no choice but to demonstrate my Larvatus badassery.  Later, as I was trying to leave for the store to get dinner supplies, Meg pulled me aside for surprise number two.  She offered her apologies for Teagan’s antics; apparently I knew Teagan was her Ward prior to my mind wipe.  She said she’s been trying her best to guide her, but to no avail.  Teagan is strong willed and her feelings for Dane run really, really deep.  Meg thought I should be warned, and I thanked her for the heads up.

Now, as I check the potatoes to see if they are soft enough to whip, I silently remind myself to prepare my arsenal of verbal assaults.

The oven dings, and I turn off the timer while simultaneously opening the door to check the meatloaf.  It may seem like an odd choice for a dinner date, but it’s one of the few dishes I know how to prepare because it’s my Grandma Ethel’s recipe.  I know it tastes good and I don’t want to embarrass myself and make something that turns out awful.  Plus, it’s really cold outside, so I felt comfort food was in order.  Coupled with mashed potatoes and asparagus, I think this is one hell of a delicious meal.

I look around the corner and see Dane sprawled on the couch watching TV.   I asked him to stay out of the kitchen, so I could surprise him with what I was making; he didn’t join me at the store because I needed my car.

“Hey,” I call to him, “you might want to turn that up.  I’m getting ready to use the hand mixer.”

He glances at me while raising the remote.  “You’d better hurry up, Grace.  I’m starving.  Keeping a man hungry and waiting isn’t the best way to start a first date.”

I’m instantly challenged and move my hands to my hips.  “This isn’t our first date and if you keep it up there won’t be any more.”

“I doubt that.”  He wiggles his eyebrows at me.

Damn.  He’s right.

After another ten minutes, I call him into the kitchen to make his plate.

“What?  You’re not serving me?”

“Uh, no.”  I hand him a dish.  “I don’t want you to get the impression that I’ll wait on you hand and foot.  Besides, I don’t know how much you want.”

He peruses the food in front of him and points.  “Is that meatloaf?”

“Yeah.  Why?”

He tries not to smile.  “You made the one thing I refused to eat as a kid.”

It’s hard to hide my disappointment.  “You’re kidding me.”

He shakes his head.

“Aw, man!  It’s my grandmother’s recipe.  You’ll at least try it, right?” I make an uncertain face.  “They say your taste buds change every seven years.”

“Who says that?”

“I think I heard it on Dr. Oz.”

He wraps his arm around my shoulders.  “For you, yes, I will try the meatloaf.”  He kisses the top of my head.  “But, I want it noted that meat should never be in loaf form.”

I roll my eyes.  At least we’ll have enough leftovers to keep me fed while I’m here.

Dane manages to eek the thinnest slice of meat out of the pan, then heaps a mountain of mashed potatoes on his plate and a pile of asparagus.  He takes his dinner to the table, and I’m not far behind.  I refrain from eating and purposefully prop my chin on my hand to watch him take his first bite.

“Oh my God,” Dane says as he chews.  “This is really good.”

I try not to look smug.  “Seriously?”

He nods and takes another bite.  “What is in this?”

“It’s a Donohue family secret.”  I pick up my fork.

Dane finishes his tiniest piece of meatloaf ever, and I’m curious to see if he’ll go back for more.  He eats half of his potatoes before making a trip back to the kitchen.  When he reappears the size of his helping is much larger.  So much for leftovers.

“Save room,” I tell him.  “I have a surprise for dessert.”

He stops mid-bite.  “Does it involve you wearing it?”

“No,” I laugh.  “I could feed it to you though.”

He raises an eyebrow.  “Sounds promising.”

After we finish, I instruct him to stay put, so I can get our last course.  Yesterday I learned Dane has a thing for sweets, so I went a little berserk.  There’s this great bakery in town, and I got the biggest box of assorted desserts I could buy.  I swear there has to be fifty pieces of goodness in there.

Emerging from the kitchen, I carry the box to the table, set it in front of Dane, and promptly take a seat in his lap.

“Well, hello,” he says as he wraps his arms around my waist.  I curl one hand around his neck and give him a slow kiss before flipping off the box top with my other hand.

“Behold sweet tooth heaven.”  I gesture in a very Price is Right hostess sort of way.  “We have everything from chocolate covered strawberries, to bite size cheesecakes, to lemon squares, to fudge bites.  Take your pick.”

His eyes grow wide as he leans forward and looks over the selections.  “You got all of this for me?”

“Yes, but I was hoping you’d share.”

He gives me a sly smile.  “Which is your favorite?”

I look into the box.  “Has to be the strawberries.”

He picks one up and holds it to my lips.  I take a bite, and it tastes like perfection.

“Is it good?”

“Very.”

He finishes the rest of it.

“Your turn,” I say.  “What’s your weakness?”

“You won’t find it in that box.”

My face falls.  “Did I screw up again?  There has to be one thing in there you like!”

He turns me by my hips, forcing me to bend one leg and let the other fall to the side, so we’re eye to eye.

“What I like is in my lap,” he says and smiles before kissing me.  His left hand leaves my side, and I can feel him reach into his pocket.  When he leans back, he holds a silver key in the space between us, and I shoot him a questioning look.

“This is to my front door,” he says.  “I want you to have it.”

I’m confused.  “For what?”

“For whatever you want.  For whenever you want.  Come and go as you please.”

I eye his gift, uncertain.  “I would never just show up unannounced.  What if I interrupted something?”

He smiles.  “Never, huh?  That’s exactly what you did last night.”

Shoot.  He’s right, but I had big, exciting news to share.  “I won’t do it again.  I promise.”

He groans.  “You’re missing the point.”  He turns my hand over and presses the key to my palm.  “I want you to show up.  Announced or unannounced. And frequently.”  He widens his eyes for emphasis.  “I still can’t believe yesterday happened.  You picked me.  Me,” he squeezes my waist, “and my ex was here to ruin it.  You could have easily walked away.  I want you to know I have nothing to hide; I don’t have any secrets.  I don’t care what I’m doing or who’s here.  There’s nothing you can’t see.”

I fold my fingers over the key.  “It’s hard to keep secrets from the girl you love when she can read your mind,” I tease.  “Are you sure you want me to have this?”

“Yes,” he says as he searches my face.  He gives me a crooked smile and my heart melts.

“What if I come by and you’re not home?”

“Make yourself comfortable.”  He kisses my nose.

“What if you’re taking a nap?”

“Join me.”  He kisses my chin.

“What if you’re in the shower?”

“Definitely join me.”  His lips find mine.

The wants of my body start to take over the longer we stay connected.  All logical thoughts scatter except for one.

Things can’t get any better than this.

Chapter 23

The activities for the next two days were Dane’s responsibility.  I was curious as to what he could come up with to romance me – his words not mine – on such short notice.  My stay at his place wasn’t exactly planned and I requested we do nothing fancy.  What could be simpler than sharing a meal?  I expected two more dinners.

I greatly underestimated his creativity.

On Thursday, he informed me we were going to the movies and to be ready by six.  Assuming this was a typical no-frills date, I readied myself in jeans, a sweater, and a ponytail; not a speck of makeup graced my face.  However, as soon as we set foot in the theater lobby, it was obvious this wasn’t a normal movie date, and I should have tried harder.

The cinema manager was waiting when we arrived.  He introduced himself as Ben and gave “Mr. Walker” a hearty smile and handshake.  He led us through the building and into the last movie theater, where I quickly observed we were the only people in an empty room.  Dane had rented the whole theater just for us, complete with a private concession stand.  Next to speechless, I stupidly asked what we were seeing.  Dane escorted me toward the delicious smell of popcorn and casually informed me that we were seeing an advanced pre-screen of Channing Tatum’s new movie Side Effects.  It wouldn’t be out in theaters for another month.

Once seated, I smacked him in the arm and told him this was way too overboard and how did he know I liked Channing Tatum anyway?  He laughed and revealed our discussion in the Caribbean, about how I thought Channing was hot because he could dance and that he would look good in a Speedo.  I must have flushed a million shades of red.  Dane then innocently asked me what was so “overboard” about going to the movies.  All I could do was give him an incredulous stare.  No one I know goes to private advanced pre-screenings of yet-to-be-released films.  No one.

After that surprise, I had no idea what to expect on Friday.  Dane disappeared mid-afternoon to run “errands” and, shortly after he left the apartment, I received an unexpected delivery.  Opening the package, I found an outfit and a note from Shel.  The note read:

“Shut up.  Put this on.  Do you hair.  Paint your face.  Love you!”

I did as I was told.

Around five o’clock I sat anxiously in Dane’s living room.  The clothes Shel provided were not my regular style.  I was dressed in tight, hip-hugging, low-rise, black leather pants; a glittery tank top covered in gold sequins; and high heeled, open-toed, black sandals with a gazillion straps.  Not your typical January attire.  I curled my hair and wore it down, remembering Dane’s preference, and made up my face like a good girl following my mother’s orders.  When the doorbell rang, I pulled open the door to find an impeccably dressed handsome man standing on his own front porch.

It was hard to resume breathing after taking in Dane’s sexy grin, perfectly fitted open-collared black button-down shirt, dark denim, and tousled hair.  But I did it.  I accepted the red rose he offered, grabbed the small clutch that Shel graciously provided, and allowed him to escort me to the sleek black limousine waiting in the parking lot.  A freaking limo!  Once inside, I opened my mouth to rip into him about going overboard again, but he stopped my words by kissing them away.  He told me I looked amazing, said we were just going to dinner, and asked what was so over-the-top about that?  I gave him a playful shove and caved in to his charm.  If he wants to go bankrupt it’s on him.

Our destination was the MGM Grand in Detroit; specifically, a private table at Wolfgang Puck Steak.  After dinner, we moved on to V Nightclub, also inside the hotel/casino, where I soon discovered I love apple martinis a bit too much and that Dane can really, really, dance.  We stayed out until the wee hours of the morning.  The last thing I remember is crawling into the limo to leave and snuggling up next to Dane.  When my eyes opened the next morning, I was in his bed with no recollection of how I got there.

And now, a week later, I’m still dwelling on it.  I hate that I fell asleep at the end of our date!  Especially after all the effort he put into it and, especially now, that I’m back home with my parents.  As I sit behind the reception desk at my internship, I stare through the computer screen in front of me recalling his words.

“I don’t care that you crashed in the car.  I got to carry you inside and tuck you in.  You’re adorable when you sleep.”

Gah!  What can I do to make it up to him?

“Emma?  Are you in there?”

I snap to and focus on Sheila’s puffy face.  The poor woman.  Her baby was due yesterday – literally.  I don’t understand why she continues to come to work; her feet are so swollen she can barely wear flip flops.  The woman visits the restroom every ten minutes, and she’s exhausted.  I told her that as much as I like her, my internship duties do not include delivering babies on the Randall Veterinary Clinic floor.

“Sorry,” I apologize.  “Entering these invoices is riveting.”

Sheila smiles.  “I just wanted to tell you I’m headed to the bathroom again.  I want to get another trip in before you go to lunch.”

I laugh, yet sympathize.  “I feel so sorry for you.  Why don’t I skip lunch today so you can take off early?  It’s not a big deal.”

“No.  If I’m home I’ll just keep cleaning until my fingers go raw.  I’ve been nesting for weeks.  Work occupies my mind and keeps it off the fact that I’m still obnoxiously pregnant.”

I give her a wary look.  “If you say so.”  I silently reassure myself with the fact that I researched the quickest route to the nearest hospital in case her water breaks.

Sheila waddles away to the employee restroom and I hear my cell chime.  I grab my purse from below the desk and check my phone.  I have a message from Dane.

Guess what?  I love you.

I can’t keep the stupid grin off my face.  I text back.  Love you too.  How did your interview go?  He has two job interviews today; one was this morning and one is later this afternoon.

Good.  It’s an easy drive and the people seem friendly.  An offer from them would be nice.

The first advertising agency that responded to his resume is near Lansing, which is an hour travel time one way.  The second company, the one he just interviewed with, is closer to Pontiac and only a half hour drive.

I can’t see why they wouldn’t.  I saw his portfolio; they’d be crazy not to hire him.

My phone vibrates in my hand.  Are we still on for tonight?

Why would you even ask that?  I send my obvious response – YES.

Every night for the past week we’ve spent a few hours together, but I don’t stay very late.  I have to be at work early and, since Matt’s dad is doing me a favor by sponsoring my internship, I want to be a model employee.  Tomorrow is Saturday though, and I don’t have to be anywhere, which means I plan on staying out most of the night.

;)  I’ll call you when I’m on my way home.  Use your key.

I smile.  This will be the first time.

The door to the clinic glides open, and I set my phone down to greet the customer.  When I stand and make eye contact, I freeze.  It’s Teagan.

“You’ve got to be joking,” she sarcastically spits.  Her almond eyes narrow as she approaches the desk.  “Since when do you work here?”

My jaw tenses, but I manage a professional tone.  “Since Monday.”

“Perfect.  Now I’ll have to find a new vet,” she sniffs.

Ugh!  I want to strangle her.  Instead, I conjure up the most courteous smile I can muster which turns out to be a lame smirk.  “You know you won’t find anyone better than Dr. Randall,” I say like the good employee I’m trying to be.  I break her evil stare to consult the appointment log and see “Molly” at one o’clock.  “The doctor will be right with you and Molly.”  I glance at her.  Where is her pet?

Within seconds, I see a tiny tan head pop out of her bag.  Of course Teagan would have a purse dog.  Even though the puppy is cute, I can’t help myself.  “Oh!  What a cute rat.”

Teagan’s eyes flash and she hisses.  “She’s a Yorkie you twit!”

I shrug.  “Sorry.”

Her eyes shoot daggers.  “No one disrespects me and gets away with it.  You have no idea who you’re messing with.”

“Oh, I think I do,” I say confidently and lean toward her.  “You don’t scare me,” I whisper.

She glares at me as I redirect my attention to messaging Matt’s dad that his appointment is here.  He instantly responds that he’s ready and to send her to exam room two.

“You’ll be in room two,” I inform Teagan sweetly.  “Would you like me to escort you back?”

She huffs and marches away without another word, bypassing a slow moving Sheila.  Apparently, Teagan is self-sufficient when it comes to finding the exam room.

I shake off her ridiculousness as I leave for lunch.  Sitting in the drive thru line at Subway, I come to a conclusion.  I’ll never be able to stop myself from making snide comments when she’s around, so I shouldn’t even try.  If she would just shut up when we run into each other we wouldn’t have a problem.  What did Dane ever see in her anyway?  I mean, she’s pretty; I get that.  But was he ever that shallow?

When I return to the clinic, I park in my usual spot behind the building.  My stomach rumbles and I grab my food, focused on making it to the break room.  I hear a car door slam.

“We need to talk.”

I turn to find Teagan approaching me from her Lexus.  Fabulous.  She was lying in wait for me?  I shoot her a confused look.  “What could we possibly have to talk about?”

She stops about a foot away, crosses her arms, and sets her jaw.  “Don’t play dumb.  You may have fooled Dane, but you haven’t fooled me.”

What in the world is she talking about?  “Are you off your meds?” I ask sarcastically.  “I haven’t fooled Dane about anything.”

Her nostrils flare and she points to herself.  “I’m not the one who’s mentally unstable here.  You are.”

Okay, whatever.  If she keeps this up I’ll be forced to physically put her in her place.  You don’t mess with a hungry Larvatus.  “Teagan,” I take a deep breath, “I barely know you and you hardly know me.  Let’s just stay away from each other, okay?” I take a step toward the building.

She reaches out and grabs my shoulder, stopping me and turning me around.  “No one turns their back on me.”

She did not just touch me.  Adrenaline courses through my veins.  I glare at her, wrap my fingers around her wrist, and remove her hand from my body as calmly as possible.  “Well, get used to it, because it’s going to happen again.”

I turn away, take two steps, and stumble.  Did she just shove me?!  That’s it!  I have never been involved in a catfight before, but I guess the time has come.  I turn on my heel and on her.

“What is your problem?” I snap.

“My problem is you.”  She moves closer.  “The only reason Dane left me is because you put on a good show.  We’d still be together if it weren’t for your little depression routine this summer.  The only reason he’s with you is because he feels sorry for you.”

That can’t be true, but her words still sting.  My eyes narrow. “You couldn’t be more wrong.”

“Really?”  She raises her brow.  “Then what is your relationship based on?  You haven’t even known each other a year.  I was with him for a decade!”

I smirk.  “I’m sorry you wasted your time.”

She steps closer and we’re nearly nose to nose.  “You think you know everything, don’t you?”

I stand my ground.  “No, but I know this.  Dane and I love each other.”  I pause.  “So build a bridge and get over it.”

Teagan tries to slap me, but I drop my lunch and catch her wrist, stopping her hand in mid-air.  “I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”  Little does she know I could toss her into next week.

I feel her arm relax and let her go.  She jerks away and steps back.  Because I feel my point’s been made, I bend at the knees to pick up my Subway, but maintain eye contact.  “I’m going back to work now.  I suggest you do the same.”

She surprises me by stepping forward and kicking my lunch under the nearest car.  Does she have a death wish?  “What is with you?” I spit.  “Are we in kindergarten?”

“I’m not through with you yet,” she sneers.

“Well, I’m through with you.”  I stand.  “Let me know when you’re ready to act your age.  Maybe then we can talk.”

I start to walk away, and she catches my forearm.  Seriously?!  I haven’t touched her once!  “Let me go.”  I try to pull away without ripping her fingers off.

“I said I’m not done with you,” she hisses.

This is ludicrous!  I tug my arm harder, and her grip slips to my wrist.  Forcefully, I yank my arm free and her hand leaves my body – taking my bracelet with it.

Instantly my eyes are on fire.  The blinding light is back as memories start to flood my brain.  I try not to cry out; Teagan can’t see me like this.  Pain sears though my skull, and I bring my hands to my face to block my expression.  How long will this last?  How can I get the jewelry back?  The visions start to come in rapid succession.  James.  Dane.  Garrett.  Dane.  James.

“Look at me!” she shrieks.  At least it sounds like she’s shrieking.

I try to pull my hands away from my face, but it’s as if they’re locked.  A memory of James asking me to prom morphs into a memory of Dane kissing me in Matt’s backyard.

I feel Teagan’s hand around my wrist again.  It pushes me over the edge, and I lash out.  “Stop touching me!”

My fist connects with her nose.

“Argh!” she screams.  My hand feels wet, and I know I’ve made her bleed.  I peel my eyes open and see her stumbling backward, her hands cupped over her face.  There’s blood on her fingers.

“You broke my nose!” she yells.

Shit.  I know she’s right.

I slam my eyes closed and will everything to stop.  As much as I loathe Teagan I need to get her to a doctor.  More scenes play behind my eyes, and I lean against the hood of the nearest car.  I’m fighting the pain as hard as I can, but it’s not making things go any faster.

“You’re such a bitch!” I hear Teagan snap.  “All I was trying to do was talk to you!”

If I could roll my eyes I would.  Who had their hands all over who?

Temporarily distracted by Teagan’s rant, I find that the pressure behind my eyes lessens and the memories start to fly.  Despite the chaos that surrounds me, I have a brilliant idea.  I’ve been fighting the pain.  What if I willingly accept it?  Take my focus off it?  Maybe things will go quickly.  I try to relax and open my mind despite Teagan’s whimpering and how much my head hurts.

“Are you just going to stand there?” she demands.

I want to tell her to fuck off, but I focus on breathing instead.  To my amazement, the memories feel like they’re falling into place, like they’re physically filling the holes they left behind.  It’s as if they’re being vacuumed into my brain and the pain lessens as they find their place.  Within minutes it’s over.

I open my eyes and blink rapidly.  I did it.  I have my memory back.

And a different pain surrounds my heart.

Three hours later another doctor comes in to review Teagan’s x-rays.  I stare at the wall from an uncomfortable plastic chair as his words mirror the first two physicians statements.  She won’t need surgery because they were able to realign the breaks, but she will have a swollen face and some serious black eyes for a while.

That’s right, I said breaks.  I broke her nose in two places.

No words have passed between us since we left the parking lot.  I believe the last two sentences uttered were mine, “Get in the car!” and hers, “I’m pressing charges!”  I know she’s a witch and she deserved what she got, but I do feel bad about what I’ve done.  That’s why I haven’t left.  I need to make sure she’s okay and give my statement to the police when she calls them.  I hope she does it soon because I really do need to go.  My recovered past keeps surfacing in waves, and I have to consciously push it back.  Every time a memory plays, my throat tries to close and my eyes prick with tears.  I can’t break down in the hospital; I just can’t.  I need a private place to let out an ugly cry.

As the doctor reviews the discharge papers with Teagan and demonstrates how to replace the gauze packed in her nose, my phone rings.  I pull it from my coat pocket and answer Dane.  “Hey.”

“Hey!  Listen, my interview ran long and I’ll probably get stuck in rush hour traffic.  I don’t want you to worry when I’m late.”

His words resurrect the anxiety I felt in St. Thomas when he returned late from planning our fishing trip.  He wants to make sure that doesn’t happen again.  Before I can respond, the doctor attending Teagan is paged over the loud speaker.

“Where are you?” Dane asks.

“In the ER.”

“ER?  As in emergency room?” Dane’s voice raises an octave.  “What happened?  Why didn’t you call?”

“Because I’m fine,” I say.  “I’m not the one who’s hurt.”

“Who is?”

I close my eyes and wince.  “Teagan.  I kind of punched her in the face.”

“You what?”  I can hear the shock in Dane’s voice.  “Why?  How bad is it?”

I open one eye.  “Bad.  I broke her nose…in two places.”

The line goes silent, and I glance at Teagan.  She’s watching me intently from her sterile bed.

“Don’t move,” Dane growls.  “I’m coming to get you.  Which hospital are you at?”

My stomach drops.  He’s mad.  I don’t want to fight in a public place, especially in front of his ex.  “You don’t need to come here.  Teagan is being released, and I’m only waiting for her to file charges.  Then I’ll head home.”

“She called the police?!” he nearly shouts.  “Why is she involving the police?”

“Because I broke her face.”

“It was an unprovoked attack I’m sure,” he says sarcastically.  “Put her on the phone.”

“Dane, I…”

“Put. Her. On. The. Phone,” he demands.

I turn to Teagan and hold out my cell.  “He wants to talk to you.”

Arrogantly, she holds out her hand and I set my phone in her palm.  She raises it to her ear and her demeanor instantly changes.  “Bear,” she whimpers, “your girlfriend hit me!”

I bite my lip and stare at the floor.  What could he possibly want to say to her?  I know I shouldn’t, but I try to listen.  All I can hear is his muffled voice growing louder and louder in between her attempts to explain.

“No…I…wait...just stop…you don’t…I’m the one who’s bleeding!”  That’s all she can get out.

After a minute or two her shoulders slump.  “Fine,” she snaps.  She eyes me with disdain and holds out my phone.  “Here.”

I cautiously bring it to my ear.  “Hello?”

“If she even breathes at you wrong call me,” Dane says, adamant.  “Promise me you’re still coming over.”

I’m stunned.  What did he say to her?

“Grace?” he asks, worried.  “Promise me you’re still coming over.”

“I…I promise.”

“Good.  I’ll get there as fast as I can.”

Does he think I’m hurt or something?  “There’s no rush.”

He chuckles.  “I don’t know.  Do you think you can keep your hands to yourself, Ali?”

I roll my eyes.  “Yes.  I won’t pummel any innocent strangers.”

He laughs.  “Get out of there and away from her, okay?  I’ll see you soon.  I love you.”

I swallow at his words.  “Love you, too,” I whisper.

When I turn around I see Teagan pulling her bloodied shirt from the plastic bag the nurse put her belongings in.  She reaches for the tie on the back of her hospital gown, but can’t reach it.

“Do you want some help?” I ask.

She frowns, but nods.

I move around the bed and untie the top of the gown.  She immediately steps away from me and pushes it to her waist while pulling her shirt over her head.

“Are you going to press charges?” I ask quietly.

She shakes her head no, refusing to make eye contact with me.  “Didn’t Dane tell you?  He doesn’t want me involving the law.”

I blink.  “You’re going to listen to him?”

She pulls her pants from the bag then shoves the hospital gown to her feet.  “I love him.  Of course I’m going to listen.”

Her admission takes me by surprise.  I stand there gawking as she pulls on her pants then reaches into the bag and produces my bracelet.  She hands it to me without a word.  I gingerly hold it between my fingers; it’s encrusted with the blood that was on her hands.  I put it in my pocket.

“I’m sorry I hit you,” I apologize.  “It was a reaction; I didn’t mean it.”

“Yes, you did,” she snaps and tosses her shoes on the floor.  She focuses on tying her laces and, when she’s finished, she gives me a hard stare.  “Look.  We’re not friends.”

I nod.

“For whatever reason Dane loves you and there’s nothing I can do about it.  I’ve apologized, I’ve begged, I’ve connived, I’ve lied, I’ve bled,” she emphasizes the word.  “And he still chooses you.  So, if you don’t mind, I’d like you to get out of my face.”

I take a step toward the door.  “Well, for what it’s worth I really am sorry.”

“Stop trying to be nice to me!” she spits.  “Just go!”

I leave without saying another word.

When I reach Dane’s place, I sit in the parking lot and stare at his front door.  I remember when he brought me here for the first time, after he rescued me from James’ psychotic mother at the grocery store.  We almost kissed that night.  I remember when, just hours after James was assigned my Guardian, I came here so Dane could help heal my heart.  He took me to the batting cages so I could take out my aggressions, we raced Go Karts, and I challenged him to a game of mini golf.  He had no clue what I was going through, but he didn’t ask questions.  All he did was unconditionally offer his support.

I let myself into his place and shut the door behind me.  Immediately, I’m confronted with the stairs.  Those steps have new meaning now.  As I take them one by one, I recall my body wrapped around Dane’s as he carried me.  When I reach his room, I run a tentative hand over the bed as I remember what almost happened that night.  His patience astounds me.

Unfortunately, those thoughts lead to memories of betrayal, and I mechanically shrug out of my coat.  It lands on the floor and I land on Dane’s bed, curling on my side as tears start to fall.  It’s not as ugly of a cry as I had feared, but it’s all consuming nonetheless.

James.  Holy hell.  Could he have been a bigger part of my life?  Could I have loved him more?  Not possible.  My love for him was my world; he was my life.  And that part of my life is over.

Years of memories flood my brain.  Some make me smile through my tears while others give me pause.  But, when the images play of James’ death, of what he looked like when he died, I physically get sick.  I pull myself to the edge of the bed and dry heave over the side; thankfully nothing comes out.  It’s no wonder the bracelet blocked my Guardian memories.  Who would want to remember this?  The images The Allegiant projected into my brain are horrid; it becomes clear my mind wanted them erased to protect me.  To keep me sane.  Who would want to remember my behavior at his funeral?  Or his mother’s anger?  Or our powerless efforts to hang on to something that wasn’t ours to have anymore?

I right myself and lie on my side again, realizing the memories are playing like I’m watching a movie.  It’s like I’m a spectator watching my own life.  It gives me a perspective that I never would have had otherwise.  I close my eyes, focus on breathing through my stuffed nose, and allow myself to process what my mind is showing me – because it shows me the truth.  Despite everything that we did to stay together, we still would have fallen apart.  That is how it was supposed to be.  Death separated us.  It was a fate we couldn’t accept, but one we should have.  It would have saved us both unspeakable heartache.  The knowledge is heavy, yet liberating at the same time.  We’re both where we should be.  It just took us a minute to get there.

Speaking of where I should be, I open my eyes and find the clock. Dane will be home soon, and I’m sure I look like hell.  I sit up and scoot off the bed, headed to the one place that always erases the evidence of my sadness – the shower.

As I leave the bedroom, I almost step on my bracelet; it fell outside my coat pocket.  I pick it up and set it on the side table.  I’ll wash it in a minute; it needs to be handled delicately.  I may need a brush to remove all of Teagan’s residue from the crevices.  Gross.  I still can’t believe I punched her.  A slow, evil smile spreads across my face.  Today has been full of liberating moments.

The hot water and the steam soothe my sore throat and free my sinuses; the heat relaxes my stiff neck and evenly reddens my splotched skin.  As I reach for the soap and lather it in my hands, more lost memories return.  Will I ever be able to switch them off?  Turn them to mute?  Over time, I suppose, but I guess not in the hours immediately after retrieving them.

Visions of the things Dane has done for me and with me bombard my thoughts.  They’re good memories.  Really good.  There are a couple of shady ones too, like when we fought before I left for school and when I found out he was engaged.  That one hurts.  Another not-so-pleasant one is when I tried to push him away after the hospital charity dinner, but it’s quickly replaced by the discovery that he gave up everything to fly me away to the Caribbean.  Then his explanation of why he loves me quickly becomes a favorite.  It’s because I accept him for who he is and not who he’s expected to be.  Mystery solved.

Turning off the water, I step out of the tub and wrap a towel around myself.  I open the bathroom door to head back to my clothes and jump.  “Holy…!  When did you get here?”

Dane is standing directly in front of me, filling the hallway and blocking my exit.  He holds up my bracelet with a worrisome stare.  “What’s going on?” he asks almost inaudibly.

“Oh.”  I reach out and take the jewelry from him.  “Teagan pulled it off.  It’s why I hit her.”

He swallows and eyes me cautiously.  “Do you remember…everything?”

I turn and set the bracelet next to the sink behind me.  “Yeah, I’d say so.”

“Then why are you still here?”

I whip around and shoot him a confused look.  “Where else would I be?”

His face relaxes slightly, but his eyes remain sad.  “I guess part of me figured you would leave.  If you ever took that off, I mean.”

My eyes lock on his.  “You thought I would change my mind and leave you?  For James?”

He shrugs one shoulder.  “It’s always been in the back of my mind.  You two have a past I can’t compete with.”

I step back and bump against the bathroom counter.  Has he lost it?  I take in what he’s wearing and stop short.  He’s all business in pressed black suit pants, a white dress shirt, and black necktie.  This is probably not the time for inappropriate thoughts, but I remember what’s beneath those clothes.  I shake my head to clear it.

“Is your tie cutting off circulation to your brain?  I said I loved you and I meant it.  I’m not going anywhere.”

His eyes light up, and he lets out a relieved sigh.  “You don’t know how happy that makes me, Grace.”

“I have an idea.”  I smile and reach for his tie.  I tug on it, pulling him to me, and find his mouth with mine.  “You can’t get rid of me that easily.”

He wraps his arms around my waist and looks down, focusing on my face.  “I love you.  You know that, right?”

“With everything you’ve done for me there’s no way I could doubt it.  I remember it all, and I’ll never be able to make it up to you.”

He frowns.  “That’s not what our relationship is about.  I do things for you because I want to, because it’s the right thing to do.  Not because I want something in return.  You do things for me all the time that you’re not even conscious of.”

“Like what?”

“Like when you smile at me a certain way.  It melts my heart.  Or when you let me kiss you in ways that should be illegal and you don’t protest.  Or when you let me dote on you without saying anything, even though I know you’re silently reaming me out in your head.  And like right now.  You’re standing here in a towel wearing nothing beneath it, but the bracelet I gave you for Christmas.  That does about a million things for me.”

“Like what?”

He laughs.  “Are you stuck on repeat?”

I decide to loosen his tie.  “Tell me.  If I don’t know what makes you happy how can I make sure to keep doing it?”

“Fine.”  He smiles.  “Right now you’re the Emma I fell in love with this summer.  I don’t have to share you.”  He eyes the jewelry by the sink.  “No supernatural stuff.”

I make an impressed face, pull his tie from around his neck, and loop it around mine.  I start to work on the buttons on his shirt.  “Keep going.”

He gives me a knowing smirk.  “Standing the way you are right now reminds me of St. Thomas.  When you would get out of the shower, run to the dresser in a towel, and change in front of me because you thought I was asleep.”

I stop unbuttoning.  “What?” I ask him incredulously.  “You were spying on me?”

He bites his lip and smiles.

“Incorrigible,” I mutter as I go back to unfastening his shirt.  When I get down to where our bodies meet, I can’t go any further.  “What about this?” I ask indicating my handiwork with my eyes.  “What does this do for you?  Anything?”

“Maybe,” he says, teasing me.

I can’t believe I’m going to do this.  But today has been full of liberating moments, and I know what I want to happen.  Now that I have my memory back, I can’t believe I’ve waited this long to try.

I place both hands on his chest and push him away from me.  He takes a step.  I reach for my towel and Dane stills my hands, his eyes questioning.

“Wait.  Are you sure?” he asks, his voice low.  His tone says he wants this as much as I do, but he’s trying to be a gentleman and give me an out.  “You’ve had a rough day.”

I tilt my head.  “In case you haven’t noticed, I’m a little stronger than I used to be.”  In one swift movement my towel puddles around my feet.

In another, I’m in his arms.

Chapter 24

Three months later

“In conclusion, I’d like to leave you with one last thought.  May the world be as ready for you as you are ready for the world.  Savor the feeling of this day, of this moment.  Hold it close and never forget.  Apply this experience to every opportunity that comes your way.  For if you do, I guarantee each and every one of you will find success.  Congratulations graduating class of 2013.  Job well done.”

Whoops and hollers follow the college provost’s final words and the graduation caps go flying.  I toss mine into the air with my classmates, several hundred people who I don’t know and will never meet again.  But, in this one moment, we’re all connected.  The girl next to me hugs me like we’ve been roommates for the past four years.  I just met her today.  It’s odd how I can tell we’re feeling the exact same things – relief, pride, and a sense of accomplishment.  Hope for the future.

I look up into the auditorium seats and find my parents and Dane, Mike and Kate, and even Matt and Shel.  They’re all on their feet with the rest of the place, clapping and cheering us grads like we just won the Super Bowl.  I smile and wave enthusiastically.  I love those people.  So much.

As the crowd begins to disperse, I search for my cap.  I made sure to put my initials in huge letters on the underside.  I frown as the hunt takes longer than I anticipated.  I tossed the thing straight up for crying out loud!  Where did it go?  I head to the end of my row.

“I believe your looking for this.”

My head snaps up.  James casually leans against the wall directly below where my family was seated.  He smiles, holding my graduation hat in his hands.

“You’re here!”

“Wild Allegiant couldn’t keep me away,” he says as I reach him.

He wraps me in a hug; then I take the cap from his hands, plopping it on my head.  “What do you think?”

“It’s hot.”  He grins.

“I know, right?”  I make a face.  “Have you been here the whole time?”

“Yep.  Invisibly watching as you begin the next phase of your life.”

“Don’t be so dramatic.”  I roll my eyes.  “You sound like my dad.”

He laughs.

“Walk with me.”  I loop my arm through his as we make our way to the back of the auditorium.  No one here cares enough to pay attention to us, but my family is waiting in the lobby.  We’ll have to stop by the doors.  “Thanks for coming.  It means a ton to me.  It wasn’t too hard for you, was it?”

“You mean watching you graduate without me?”

I nod.

“No, it wasn’t that hard.  I mean, I did silently announce my name where it should have fallen in the program, but – ”

“I did the exact same thing!”  I clutch his arm and smile.

“Daniels, Daughton, Davis,” he repeats, lighthearted.  “But, I was so proud of you it really didn’t matter.”  He pulls my honors cords.  “Miss Magna Cum Laude.”

“Ugh,” I groan.  “I was so close to Summa.  Stupid online Econ!”

James raises an eyebrow.  “Sure.  Blame economics.  Your extracurricular activities had nothing to do with it.”

I slug his arm.  “Listen.  I passed every test with at least a ninety percent.  I can’t help it the final slipped; I was busy with work.”

“Work as in Dane, you mean.”

“Don’t be a jerk,” I scold him.  But, I know it’s true.  Every free minute I have is dedicated to that man.  It’s not hard to do when he makes me as happy as he does.

We reach the auditorium doors and I stop walking.  “My family’s out there.  You’re coming to the party later, right?  At Ash and Mad’s?”

“Wouldn’t miss it,” he says.  “Congratulations Em.”  He gives me a quick kiss on the cheek and starts to fade.  “I’ll see you tonight.”

I smile as he disappears.

Opening the doors, I look for my family and friends.  I spot them congregated in the back corner of the lobby.  Why doesn’t it surprise me that my dad would find the free coffee?

“Congrats!” Shel comes running.  She hugs me then asks to see my fake diploma.  We’ll be attending her ceremony next weekend, even though she has another four years ahead of her.

Matt steps around Shel and hands me a bouquet of lavender tulips.  I give him a one-armed hug.  “Aw, thanks.”

My brother and Kate find me next, followed by my parents.  They give me a huge bunch of yellow roses and then, as I balance all the flowers, Dane’s hand slides into mine.  He whispers in my ear.  “I plan on giving you my gift later.”

“It is inappropriate?” I ask quietly.

“No!” he whispers.  “You have a dirty mind.”

I shrug then turn my face away from my family and over his shoulder.  “We’ve done a lot of dirty things.  It’s a fair question.”

He squeezes my hand to silence me, but his eyes dance.

“Ready for dinner?” my father asks as we all head out to celebrate.

Since WMU is so far from home, we stop part way into our drive to eat at an Olive Garden.  My parents graciously pick up the tab for everyone and just as we were finishing up, my dad proposes a toast with what’s left of his beer.  I inwardly cringe.  My dad isn’t a toast kind of guy.

“First off, I want to say I’m not very good at this, but we have a wedding coming up, and I need the practice.”

He eyes Mike and Kate as everyone chuckles.  They finally set the date for August where I’ll be my brother’s Best Woman.  He said he didn’t trust any of his guy friends with the role, but I secretly think Kate’s behind the decision.  She’s the one who doesn’t trust his frat brothers.

“Emma,” my dad turns to me, “you are, and always will be, my Em Bug.”

My face turns crimson.  The last time he called me that I think I was four.  Okay, maybe not.  Maybe fourteen.  Wait.  It was last week.

“Words cannot express how proud we are of you.  The things you’ve faced this past year,” he frowns, “would drive any good person to drink.”

“Dale!”  My mom slaps the table.

“What?  It’s true!  She’s probably tossed back a few due to the circumstances.  I know I have.”

Good God!  He only knows about James and Patrick.  What would he think if he knew everything that’s happened to me?  I glance around the table and everyone looks amused.  I sink in my chair, but my dad still finds my eyes.

“I’m sure every father feels this way, but you, Em Bug, deserve everything good life has to offer.  I can’t wait to see what amazing things your future holds.”  He raises his glass.  “To my baby girl.”

My friends and family smile, clinking their glasses around me.  I do the same, but avoid eye contact because my dad’s words have caused my eyes to tear.  I don’t want to cry.

“And you,” my dad addresses Dane, “keep in mind what I said.”

Dane sits up straight.  “Yes, sir.”

I feel my face start to turn red again.  “Dad…”

“Just because I like you doesn’t mean you can get away with anything,” he says to Dane.  “I just want to put it out there.  Emma’s my baby.  Remember that.”

“Dad!” I say louder.  “Now’s the time you bring this up?  Really?”

“I have to take the opportunity when it presents itself.”  He swallows the rest of his drink.  “I never see him.  You’re always at his place.”

Matt and Shel decide now would be a good time to snicker – loudly.  Okay, it’s time to go.  I love these people, but I’ve had enough embarrassment for one day.

We say goodbye to my parents, Mike, and Kate before following Matt and Shel to the Larvatus’ house.  Late last week, Madeline approached me about having a grad party with our Guardian and Allegiant friends.  At first I told her it wasn’t necessary, but Ash pulled me aside and asked me to please allow her to do this.  He confided that the two of them felt somewhat paternal toward me since they hadn’t been successful in having children of their own.  This was huge news and, of course, I couldn’t say no.

As we drive, Dane takes the opportunity to tease me about my nickname.  “Em Bug!  That’s great.  I’m going to stop calling you Grace.”

“Like you have room to talk Bear,” I exaggerate Teagan’s name for him.  “What’s that all about anyway?  Were you unnaturally hairy at some point?”

“Haha.  Very funny.  It’s short for Teddy Bear.”

“Teddy Bear?” I scoff.  “How very unoriginal.”

“I don’t see you coming up with a cutesy nickname for me.”  He pouts.  “What about Hot Stuff?  Or Stud Muffin?  Oh!  I know.  Sex God.”

My mouth falls open.  “How about Conceited Ass?”

He drops my hand.  “That’s it.  No graduation gift for you.”

“I’m kidding!” I try to grab ahold of his hand again, but he keeps moving it, flailing it around the cab of the car.  “Stop doing that!  We’re going to crash!” Finally, I catch it.  “I’ll come up with a cute nickname for you; I promise.”

“You just want your present.”

“Um, yeah.”  I smile.  “Because your presents rock.”

My compliment makes him grin.  “They do, don’t they?”

I think about that.  He’s right.  I have no originality when it comes to planning dates or giving gifts.  Don’t get me wrong; my gifts are always thoughtful, but never one-of-a-kind.  “One day, I’m going to outdo you,” I tell him.  “I’m going to get you something so fabulous you’ll never be able to top it.”

His lifts his eyebrows at me.  “Challenge accepted.”

I take in his look and get the distinct feeling that my graduation gift is spectacular.   Great.  I’d better start planning for his birthday now – six months in advance.

The night is unseasonably warm for the last weekend in April, and when we arrive at Madeline and Ash’s the party is in full swing.  So much for waiting for the guest of honor.

On the back deck, Matt, Shel, Dane, and I find Thomas, Joss, Jenna, and Meg.  They’re all in swimming suits, sitting around a fire.  Drinking.  How is this possible?  James is in the hot tub with Ash and Mad, and Shel, taking in the scene, immediately switches to party mode.  “I didn’t know we needed suits!”

“Don’t worry.” Madeline jumps out of the water.  “I have suits for all of you.  Once the weather changed I took the liberty of getting some.  They’re in the guest room.”

She towels off and starts to head into the house with Matt, Shel, and Dane at her heels.  She turns and finds me.  “I have cake and ice cream.”  Her eyes light up.  “I’ll bring it out after I get them settled.”

“Aren’t you coming?” Shel asks me.

“In a sec,” I tell her and move toward James and Ash.  I feel majorly left out.  I know I’ve been tied up with my internship, class, and graduation, but it’s not like I don’t own a phone.  “What’s going on?”

Joss stands and comes over to congratulate me.  “Emma,” she says, excited.  “Today was a big day.  How do you feel?”

“Good.”  I eye her suspiciously.  She reaches out to rub my arm in a motherly way and a flash of light reflects off her wrist.

“You’re Larvatus!” I exclaim and point, smiling.  “When?”

“Last week.”  She beams.  She looks over at Thomas and he raises his fist in the air.  He’s Charmed, too.

Immediately, I hug her.  “I’m so happy for you.”  Both Joss and Thomas are so sweet.  I don’t know anyone more deserving of a second chance at humanity.

My thoughts immediately turn to Meg and Jenna, and I peer around Joss’ shoulder.  If they’ve changed clothes too...

Ash reads my mind.  “They’re Allegiant,” he says and answers my unasked question.

I step away from Joss and turn on James.  “Really?  Why didn’t you tell me earlier?”

He shrugs.  “It wasn’t the time.”  He pulls himself from the hot tub.  “I’m starting to get lightheaded.”  He grabs a towel and I follow him over to the fire pit, where he sits next to Meg.

“Hi!” she says to me as she wraps an arm around James.  “We were wondering when you were going to get here.”

“So, how…when?” I ask the two of them.  “This is huge!”

James smiles.  “It didn’t take long for Lucas and I to figure out who was worthy of being Allegiant.  Who better than the Guardians that experienced everything firsthand?  The Guardians that understand The Larvatus best?”

“Plus, they needed some women on the team.”  Meg bumps her hip against James.  “Jenna and I are the first female Allegiant since…”  She pauses.  “Since forever.”

Jenna gives me a shy smile.

“That’s amazing,” I say.  The Allegiant have probably needed that balance for a long while.  “So, it’s the four of you?  You two, Jenna, and Lucas?”

Meg and James nod.

“Do you guys plan on staying in the Intermediate most of the time or…”

“For the immediate future, yes.”  James rests his elbows on his knees.  “But, when we visit, we’ll stay here to take care of human business.”

“Until we find a place of our own.”  Meg takes his hand.

I can tell she’s excited to start a human life complete with a white picket fence.  Turning to Thomas, I tap his wrist.  “How come you chose this?”

“We decided it would be best if we evened out the ranks.  Since we’re working with The Larvatus now we thought it would be wise to bring our experiences to both sides.”

“Well,” I say arrogantly, “I think you chose the better of the two.”

He laughs and gives me a high-five as Joss joins us.  “What about you Emma?  When are you going to rejoin the team?”

I glance down at my empty wrist.  I’ve only worn my amulet a few times since I cleaned it after the fight with Teagan.  It still works; every time I slide it on my abilities return and my memory stays.  But, without any danger and my busy schedule, it’s become more of an accessory than a way of life.  I need to burn the excess energy that comes with being Larvatus and it’s been tough to find time to fit in workouts.  Plus, my parents haven’t been complaining about the grocery bill, which is nice.

I smile at Joss.  “Eventually.  Lately, I think of myself as more of a second string player.”

Eyes focus on me and I look over to find James intently staring at me.  I keep forgetting that everyone can read my mind now that I’m not wearing the bracelet.  I remember explaining to him that we were a team and would always be in each other’s lives.  I’m not holding up my end of the deal.  I send my thoughts to him.  “I’ll find my way back.  I just need to be regular old me for a while. Okay?”

He gives me a half a smile.

Dane, Shel, and Matt reappear through the sliding door clad in swimsuits.  Mad follows with a ginormous sheet cake in her hands, and I stand to help her set it on the picnic table.  It says “Con“grad”ualtions Emma” and an owl, piped in icing, wears a graduation cap and takes up most of the left side.  “He’s too cute.”  I hug Madeline.  “I don’t want to cut him.”

I’m forced to hack into the adorable student owl because the Larvatus around me are starving – as usual.  I finish my piece of chocolate cake then head inside to change because of everyone’s ribbing.  Why isn’t the guest of honor living-it-up in the hot tub?  Because the guest of honor can’t hold her liquor and being drunk in a swimsuit is most likely a recipe for disaster.

As I’m leaving the guest room in a purple one-piece, Dane stops me in the hall.

“I can’t wait anymore.  I want to give you my gift.”  He takes my hand and pulls me back into the bedroom.

“Here?” I ask, shocked.  “Don’t you think we should be alone?”

He shoots me a confused look.  “We are alone.”

I need to get my mind out of the gutter.  He said it wasn’t inappropriate.

He sits me on the bed then finds his leather jacket, searching the pockets.  He produces a plain white business envelope and hands it to me.  “Your present, Madame.”

I turn it over in my hands.  There’s nothing written on it.  “Gee, you shouldn’t have,” I say sarcastically, remembering our gift challenge.  “It’s gonna be hard to top this.”

“Don’t be a smart ass,” he says as he sits next to me.  “Open it.”

I’m surprised to find my fingers shake when I tear open the paper.  I pull out a neatly folded letter:

6 am

May 25th

Pack light

My forehead pinches.  “Are we going somewhere?  Why couldn’t you give me this in front of my parents?”

His eyes light up.  “Because I didn’t want to answer questions and ruin the surprise.”

I’m confused.  “So, I don’t get to know the destination?”

He shakes his head.  “Just be ready on that date at that time.  I’ll pick you up.”

A trip?  This is over the top.  Should I be surprised?  No, Dane does everything big.  “You really shouldn’t have done this.  It’s going to be crazy expensive, isn’t it?”

“Actually, it’s not,” he says, grinning.  “Besides, what does it matter?  I’m working.”

I keep forgetting that Dane’s idea of crazy expensive and mine are vastly different.  It is true he has a great job; he got hired the week following his interviews.  Both companies offered him a position and luckily he got to choose the place he liked best.

“Well, how long will we be gone?  I’ll need to let Dr. Randall know.”

Yes, I’m asking questions to figure out the surprise.  And yes, my internship turned into a full time job.  Once baby Sophie was born, Sheila decided her calling was to be a stay at home mom.  Working at the clinic isn’t what I want to do for the rest of my life, but I have a great boss and it will do for now.

“Just the weekend,” Dane says.  “Through Memorial Day.”

I give him a suspicious look; although, inside, I’m practically jumping up and down.  A weekend getaway with him?  Yes, please!

I wrap my arms around his waist and sigh.  “You know, a simple card and a kiss would have been enough.  I don’t want you to think you have to lavish me with gifts.  I’m not that high maintenance.”

“Well, the kiss I can arrange.”  He leans in and plants one of those all-consuming lethal ones on me.  “I’ll remember the card for next time.”

“Next time?”  I smile.  “I’m not planning on graduating again.”

“This trip is about more than graduation,” he says, clearly pleased with himself.

“It is?”

“May 25th is the day we first met.”  His arms tighten around me.  “Did you think I would forget our anniversary?”

I stare at him in shock.  Yes, I would expect him to forget!  I forgot!

“I plan on spending the rest of my years with you,” he says gently.  “That means a lot more anniversaries.”

My heart starts to race.  “Then you better buy stock in Hallmark,” I tease, trying to make light of his very serious statement.  We’ve never discussed the future past a few weeks at a time.

He cradles my face and gives me a soft smile.  “One day, when the time is right, I will propose to you, Grace.  I’m warning you now, so you can prepare a proper response.  One without sarcasm.”

Now my stomach has clenched itself into a knot, and I swallow at his admission.  I hadn’t thought that far ahead.  I hadn’t pictured the white dress, and the house, and the kids.  There’s probably a dog involved somewhere, too.

“Em?” Dane studies me.  “Why do you look pale?”

“You want to marry me?” falls out of my mouth.

He chuckles and drops his hands.  “Yeah.  In case you haven’t noticed I’m kind of in love with you.  Is that surprising?”

I shake my head to clear it.  He hasn’t had the best track record when it comes to engagements.  “No.  I mean yes.  I mean, I didn’t realize you’d want to go through that again.”

“Through what?  I’ve never been married.”

“But you had a crappy engagement.  I hadn’t considered that you considered…”

He cuts me off.  “The past is the past.  You remember why I proposed to Teagan and it was for a million wrong reasons.  What we have is different; it doesn’t touch that disaster of a relationship.  We’re the real deal.”

My heart melts and puddles in my chest.  “You think we’re the real deal?  To death do us part?”

“We’ve already beat death once,” he says and runs his thumb over my cheek.  “You saved me and I saved you.”  He eyes my empty wrist.  “I say the odds are in our favor.”

I can’t help myself as I throw my arms around his neck.  “This probably isn’t the right time to say this, but I never imagined marrying anyone but James.  When that option left, I think the whole idea of marriage left, too.  You’d be able to put up with me?  My sarcasm?  My connection to the supernatural?  My past weirdness?  Everything?”

He laughs.  “In small doses your sarcasm is cute.  Your past weirdness is part of what attracted me to you, and I’m still hoping you’ll cave on the whole Larvatus thing and let me join the club.”

I lean back and plant a full kiss on his not-ready lips.  He laughs against me.

“So I take it when I do propose you’ll say yes?”

I kiss him again.

“What are you doing in here?” Shel appears in the doorway.  “Can’t you two keep your hands off each other for a minute?  Jesus!”

“Like you’re one to talk,” I chastise her as I stand.

“Hey, I don’t get much time with you Ms.-I’m-Graduated-and-My-Best-Friend-Isn’t.  Come celebrate with me!  I leave tomorrow.”  She pouts.

I smile and drape my arm around her shoulders.  “Fine, let’s go.”

As we leave the room, I wink at Dane over my shoulder.

Chapter 25

My mouth falls open as I stare at the sleek ship.  “You bought a yacht?”

Dane laughs and then pulls me toward it.  “No.”

“You rented a yacht?”

He clutches my hand as he tows me toward the back end.  “No.”

When we get to where we have a full view of the back of the boat, he makes me drop my suitcase and turns me by my shoulders.  “What does that say?”

I read the boat’s name.  “Evelyn Grace.”

His mouth appears by my ear.  “Whose name was Evelyn?”

“Your mom.”

“And whose name is Grace?”

“Mine,” I whisper.

From behind, he wraps his arms around my waist and sets his chin on my shoulder.  “This was my mother’s boat.  She inherited it from her father, my grandfather, when he passed.  And when she died, I inherited it from her.  Along with a few other things.”

I stare at it in awe.  “Was her middle name Grace?”

“No.”  He squeezes me.  “It was Anne.  I had the boat lettered.  What do you think?”

My voice is lost behind the lump that’s formed in my throat.  I’m beyond flattered, beyond touched.  However, instead of expressing my gratitude the stupidest thing falls out of my mouth.  “Won’t your dad be pissed?”

Dane kisses my cheek.  “It’s not his boat.  Come on.”  He releases me and grabs my hand, towing me up the small gangway.

“Mr. Walker, sir.”  A gentleman tips his naval cap to Dane as we step on to the main deck.  “It’s nice to see you again.”

“It’s been a few years, hasn’t it Greg?”  Dane smiles and turns to me.  “Emma, this is Captain Travis.  He’ll be with us for the next few days.  Greg, Emma.”

“It’s a pleasure to meet you.”  He extends his hand.

“Um, likewise.”  I give Mr. Travis a tiny smile and a tentative handshake.  I’m failing miserably at pretending I belong here.

He turns his attention back to Dane.  “I’m sure you’ll find everything in order below deck.  We’ll be underway in, say, fifteen minutes?”

Dane nods.  “Sounds good.”  He pulls me toward a set of stairs.  “Let me show you around.”

When we make it to the bottom of the staircase I yank Dane’s hand hard.  He stops in his tracks.  “What?”

“I understand the boat is free.  I’ll even accept the plane ticket to Miami.  But a private captain?  Is there a maid, too?”

He smiles.  “Relax, Grace.  Do you think I can drive this thing?  Greg is a family friend; I’ve known him since I was five.  He’s doing me a favor.  Sailing is his hobby, but doesn’t have his own vessel.”

I’m speechless.

“And no, there’s no maid.”  He winks at me.  “You’ll have to pick up after yourself for the next three days.”

He continues through the ship, pointing out the stocked galley, full bathroom, master suite, small living area with flat screen, and the captain’s quarters.  They look more like a closet.

“Are you going to make him sleep in there?” I ask.  “It doesn’t look very comfortable.”

“We’ll be docking off the coast during the evenings.  He’ll stay ashore.”  He winds his hands around my waist and pushes me back against the wall.  “Because there’s no way in hell we’re not fooling around.”

Okay, now I can’t breathe.  The promise of sailing off the coast of Florida, relaxing in the sun by day and sleeping with Dane at night is causing me to have a mild asthma attack.  And I don’t have asthma.

As we kiss, I mentally high-five myself.  I knew this trip would be beyond words because that’s how Dane operates.  But, I’ve made preparations to give him some of his own medicine.  He loves to surprise and pamper me because it gets a reaction.  He likes to watch me squirm even though he knows I’ll love whatever he’s done.  Well, now it’s my turn.

It took me nearly three weeks to come up with and execute the perfect plan.  It’s his anniversary too, so I don’t deserve all the gifts.  I was a little nervous about my idea at first, but as I thought back on all the things he’s done for me, all the things he’s said to me, I knew it was the only thing I could give him that made sense.  I’m about one hundred percent sure this gift tops all gifts, and I pray he likes it.

The boat motor starts with a loud rumble and it startles us both.  We pull apart, laughing, and Dane urges me back upstairs to sit on the deck as we head out to sea.  He helps a random deck hand with the moorings as I find a nice sunny spot on one of two small lounges.  When we’re completely detached, Captain Travis gently glides the Evelyn Grace away from the dock, away from the marina, and out into the crystalline blue water.

Dane finds me minutes later and sits behind me on the lounge.  He pulls me back against his chest and wraps his arms around me.  I sigh as I relax into him.

“I figured we’d do a lot of this,” he says into my ear.  “Is that okay?”

I nod enthusiastically.  “I’m definitely down for a lot of this.”  Pure relaxation.  Who could ask for more?

Hours later, after we’ve napped, ate, and basically putzed around, we dock for the night.  Captain Travis bids us farewell till morning, and I can’t help but feel a little embarrassed by his leaving.  Surely, he knows we want privacy.  In reality, I’m probably feeling more nerves than embarrassment.  I’m about ready to reveal to Dane that I got him something, and it has to happen tonight if it’s going to be any kind of surprise.

“So,” I try to be nonchalant.  “I’m going to need you to sit right here,” I grab him by the shoulders and move him to the foot of the bed, “and wait.”

He takes a seat, looking bewildered.  “For what?”

“It’s our anniversary,” I stress our, “and I got you a present.  But,” I hold up one finger, “there are a couple of rules.”

He smirks.  “I kind of like where this is going.  Continue.”

“First rule, no laughing.”

He immediately tries to hide a smile.  “Okay.  Why would I laugh?”

“Just work with me.”  I hold up another finger.  “Two.  When I come back out here, you have to find your gift.  I’m not going to show it to you.”

He looks confused.

“And rule number three.  You have to be honest.  If this gift outdoes all others you have to admit you can never top it.”

He mulls over the last rule, or at least pretends to.  “Agreed.”  He grins and shoos me away.  “Get to the gift giving, woman.”

I smile.  “Okay.”  I make a brief stop at my suitcase, clutch a couple items to my stomach, and head to the bathroom.

As I change, I start to second-guess my plan.  It sounded great in my head; I was even confident I wouldn’t feel stupid wearing what I bought with his blasted gift card from Christmas.  The girl at Victoria’s Secret assured me my purchase was classy.  The lingerie looks just like a bikini and covers just as much.  It’s black lace, and a delicate green ribbon, Dane’s favorite color, is woven into the waistband and around the bottom of the bra.  It’s cute.  So why am I starting to sweat?  The other part of his gift is much more permanent, and I didn’t bat an eyelash when I got that.  I take a deep breath.  I’m so glad I came up with the no laughing rule seconds ago.

When I reach for the door handle, I literally feel like the biggest ass on the planet.  Who do I think I am?  Gisele Bundchen?  Kate Upton?  Not!   I open the door a crack.  Dane remains where I put him except, now, he’s leaned back to lounge on his elbows.  Attempting to keep whatever shreds of dignity I have together, I open the door all the way and walk out to stand a few feet in front of him.  I have to concentrate really hard to keep my arms at my sides and not cross them over my bare stomach.

As soon as he sees me, Dane is no longer lounging.  He sits up straight and has to blink a few times to focus.  I actually look behind me to see if there’s something I missed.

“Um…”  He clears his throat.  “I think I found my gift.”  His voice is raspy.

I meet his eyes and they’re huge.  This gives me a little more confidence, and I push my hair over one shoulder.  “You said you wanted to see what I bought,” I remind him of our Christmas deal, “but this isn’t your present.  It’s kind of…” I search for words.  “The wrapping paper.”

He looks even more stunned which makes me smile.  I can do this!  Although, I’m still a little shaky.  Yeah, he’s seen all of me before.  But it’s usually dark, and I’m not normally on display.

He swallows.  “So, what do I do?”

I reach for his hand and pull him off the bed.  “Find it.”

He stands directly in front of me and his eyes bore into mine.  “How long do I have?”

“As long as it takes.”  Which wouldn’t be very long if he would concentrate.

He leans in to my ear.  “I’d prefer a time limit.  I don’t know how long I can last.”

I almost fall over.  “Cooperate and start looking.”

He circles my body slowly, and I swear I can feel everywhere he looks.  It’s like every nerve is on hyper drive.

“Why are you making this so difficult?” he asks.  “What am I looking for?  I like what I see and I’m tempted to tell you this outdoes everything right now.  If I do will you –”  He stops in his tracks.  “No way.”

I arch a brow.  “See something different?”

He drops to one knee by my left hip where half of a wing is exposed above the waistline of my fabulous underwear.  He hooks one finger over the material and edges it down just enough to expose my butterfly tattoo.

The light dawns.  “This is why you wouldn’t let me touch you last week.  You lied.”

“I had to!  It was tender, and I wanted it to be a surprise.”  I had told him I wasn’t feeling well.  “Do you like it?  You know why I chose a butterfly, right?

His soft eyes jump to mine.  “Because I compared you to one.”

I smile and nod as he goes back to examining my body art, tracing the outline with his finger.  My tattoo is drawn from a side view; my butterfly has a thin body and delicate antennae.  Her wing curls off into dainty tendrils at the top and the bottom, and it’s filled with swirls that flow around one another.  They conceal, to the untrained eye, the best part of the whole piece.

Dane smiles.  “I love this.  I’m the only one who gets to see it.”

“You’re also the only one who knows what it means.  You’re the inspiration.  That’s why,” I hunch over a little to trace my finger deliberately over the swirls, “your name is right here.”

He does a double take and focuses on the pattern.  Woven into the design are his initials DRW.

Instantly, he’s on his feet.  One hand wraps around the back of my neck while the other wraps around my arm, pulling my whole body forward and crushing my mouth to his.  He spends a minute there then moves, kissing the corner of my mouth, then my cheek, then my temple.  He finds my ear.  “I can’t believe my name is forever on your body.  Why would you do something like that?”

I lean back a bit.  “I wanted to show you I’m yours.”

“I told you I’d propose one day.”

“A ring can be taken off.”  I trace his bottom lip with my thumb.  “This way you’re permanently a part of me.  Not that you weren’t already, but this makes it visible.”

He searches my face.  “What if…God forbid…anything happens?  How will you explain my initials to someone else?”

I cover his mouth with my hand and give him a stern look.  “Don’t ever say that again.”

He kisses my palm and I remove my hand, placing it against his chest.  “What did I ever do to deserve you?” he asks.

“Gee, let me think.”  I overly exaggerate my eye roll.  “You stood by me last summer without question.  You saved me from a psycho.  You abandoned your life to take me to the Caribbean.  You forced a bracelet on my wrist that saved me from death, and you never gave up on me throughout my memory loss.  Did I leave anything out?”

“Only one thing,” he whispers in my ear.  “I’m madly in love with you.”

“I figured.”  I smile.  “You put my name on a boat.”

“You put my name on your body.”  His lips find my neck; they leave a hot trail down one side and up the other.  “Now what happens?” he asks suggestively.

“Now you tell me you can never top my gift.”

“I’ll never be able to outdo this gift.”  He leans in close.  “But, I’ll never stop trying.”

“I hoped you would say something like that,” I tease, but then turn serious.  “I love you.  Thank you for accepting me, imperfections and all.”

He shakes his head.  “You chose me.  I’m the one who’s honored.”  He steps back and his eyes rake over my body from head to toe.  “Plus, I see no imperfections here.”  He takes a moment to brush his fingertips over my tattoo.  “I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of looking at this.  You may have to stay naked the entire trip.”

I laugh.  “I don’t think Captain Travis would appreciate that.”

“He’d appreciate it too much, I think.”  Dane’s expression turns dark as he steps to me again.  “Can I show you how much I love you now or should we talk some more?”

My heart pounds.  “What’s left to say?”

He wraps me in his arms and everything around us evaporates into oblivion.  The reason we’re here, the fancy yacht, past choices, everything.  It’s just him and me and our future.  I don’t have all the answers to what it holds, but that’s the amazing part.  If I’ve learned anything over the past year it’s that nothing is guaranteed.  The best laid plans change.  People change.  Sometimes they change for the worse, sometimes for the better, but there’s a method to the madness.  All I know for certain is that, whatever comes our way, Dane and I will face it together.

And it’s going to be fantastic.

The End

Acknowledgements

First and foremost, I cannot believe I wrote a trilogy.  A trilogy!  Me!  Where the heck did that come from?  Talk about a hobby spiraling wildly out of control!  What started out as simple fun to entertain friends has quickly grown into something I could never have imagined.  With that said, there are a few people I feel the need to publicly thank (and possibly embarrass):

My Beta Readers.  I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again:  to Koz, Aubs, Bree, and Abbie Gale.  Thank you for living in my fictional world.  Without you, these books would not exist.  You know it’s the truth, so stop blushing.

My Family & Friends.  I kept the secret that I was writing until I pushed the “publish” button on Amazon.  For some misconstrued reason, I thought they would think I was devoting too much time to a simple hobby.  Well, I was wrong.  So wrong.  From my husband shooing the kids out of the bedroom so “mom can write,” to my parents, in-laws, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, co-workers, fellow hockey moms, and mothers of my kids’ friends; even my brother (hint – that scene where Mike proposes to Kate?  Yeah, he needs to get on that), it makes my heart want to burst with how much encouragement they have for me.  To hear my kids tell their teachers that “my mom wrote a book” makes me think I’m doing something right and showing them that they can accomplish big things.  I want everyone to know their enthusiasm feeds mine.  Especially my Aunt Gloria’s.  If you ever run into a lady handing out random Guardian promo cards at Home Depot, that’s her.

The Indie Author Community.  Holy wow.  And I mean, HOLY WOW.  I count myself lucky to have connected with so many truly supportive self-published authors and bloggers.  I wanted to list everyone and their blogs, and I started to, but the length was getting obnoxious, so I’ll cut it short and say this – y’all know who you are because I talk with you just about every single day.  Thank you so much for your support and promotion.  I have to call out one blogger in particular - yes, Ms. Tara, I’m talking to you!  Thank you for being the first blogger to take a chance and review Guardian.  Your love for James nearly made me rewrite my story.  Almost.

My Readers.  I have a hard time calling you “mine” because I know I have to share you with so many other great writers.  Thank you for reading an unknown author’s work, and thank you for continuing to support writers like me.  Your reviews, emails, and messages on Facebook make me smile – like big, stupid, dorky, idiot smiles.  There’s no better high than knowing others love the world I’ve created just as much as I do.

About the Author

Sara Mack is a Michigan native who grew up with her nose in books.  She is a wife and a hockey mom on top of being trapped in an office – which now has a window! – forty hours a week.  Her spare time is spent one-clicking on Amazon and devouring books on her Kindle, cleaning up after her kids and two elderly cats, attempting to keep her flower garden alive, and, of course, writing.  She has an unnatural affinity for dark chocolate, iced tea, and bacon.

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