Bad Yeti
Author: Carrie Harris
Date: 2012-01-02 05:00:00+00:00
Keywords: Young Adult; Fantasy; Humor; Novella; Short Stories; Supernatural; Paranormal; Urban Fantasy; Zombies
Description: Jonah Grable hasn’t minded living in the shadow of his older, zombie fighting sister Kate, but this weekend he’s definitely raising his profile. A weekend of epic epicness—waving swords and flirting with girls in elf ears at his LARP club event—is totally up Jonah’s alley. But when his alter ego, Sir Talatien Maguirier, Nightdark Clanlord, comes face to face with a real, live Yeti, Jonah—or, rather, Tal—has to take matters into his own hands. So he sets off with gamer goddess Lady Amethyst, brown-eyed Europa, and Calamity, a braid-wearing barbarian in fur into the great unknown on a search for
Publisher: Delacorte Books for Young Readers
Rights: Copyright © 2012 by Carrie Harris

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.
Text copyright © 2012 by Carrie Harris
Cover design by Heather Daugherty.
Photographs copyright © 2012 by Shutterstock

All rights reserved. Published in the United States by Delacorte Press, an imprint of Random House Children’s Books, a division of Random House, Inc., New York.

Delacorte Press is a registered trademark and the colophon is a trademark of Random House, Inc.

randomhouse.com/teens
eISBN: 978-0-449-81772-8

Design by Heather Daugherty

A Delacorte Press eBook Edition
v3.1_r1

Also by Carrie Harris

Bad Taste in Boys

Bad Hair Day

Contents

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

Other Books by This Author

Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9

About the Author

CHAPTER 1

If I’d known that girls go crazy over zombie slayers, I would have gone medieval on some undead a long time ago.

Sure, I’m the smallest guy in the freshman class, smaller even than Kai Tipton, and his mom is a bona fide little person. And maybe I’m addicted to computer games, like Dragons of Roargan Kross, and yes, the jocks sometimes duct-tape me to toilets for fun. But once I’d kicked some zombie butt?

The ladies loved me.

Of course, going to homecoming with the Kiki Carlyle, our homecoming queen, hadn’t hurt either. And Kiki was definitely on my mind this morning. I slapped some gel on my hands and ran them through my do. I looked a whole inch taller. Now I’d come all the way up to Kiki’s shoulder.

“You’re going to miss the bus, dorkwad.” Kate—my sister—stuck her head into the bathroom, ruining the nice Kiki-related daydreams I’d been entertaining, and ruffled my hair. I shrank about a quarter inch.

“Die, lich spawn!” I yelled, throwing the bottle of gel in her general direction.

She took off, and I tore down the stairs in hot pursuit. I would have caught her too, if I hadn’t turned the corner and nearly bulldozed Kiki herself. If Kate had wanted to motivate me, she should have known that the presence of a goddess in the house would have worked. I skidded to a stop and almost swallowed my tongue as I took in the view.

The girl of my dreams stood in our entryway. Her blond hair was pulled into a ponytail, exposing a slender neck. That neck killed me. I’d spent a whole night staring at it while we danced at homecoming. But her looks weren’t the best thing about her. What got me the most was that she smiled every time she saw me. Always had.

This time, she laughed outright. I grinned back. Kate kept on going toward the kitchen, cackling madly like she’d won something. Maybe she’d won the battle, but no way would she take the war.

I knew a lot about battle tactics from playing Roargan Kross.

“Kiki!” I grinned up at her. “What’s the girl of my dreams doing in my house this fine morning?”

She blushed a little. “I thought you and Kate might like a ride. It’s better than the bus, right?”

“Thanks!” My voice squeaked, but I pretended not to notice, and so did she. “I’ll be sixteen next month, so maybe then I’ll drive you around.”

She might have been out of my league, but she didn’t scoff. She totally liked me; I could sense it.

“Maybe.” She jingled her keys, smiling. “So listen. I wanted to ask you something.”

“Anything.” I meant it too. At that moment, or any moment, really, I would have died for her.

“My cousin is going to be stuck here while her parents are in Fresno. I’d hang with her, but I’m going to be at the cheer tournament all weekend, and she’s not really into that stuff. But she’s really into Roargan Kross. Do you think she could come to your LARP?”

I swear the woman couldn’t have been more perfect. Most of the popular crowd wouldn’t have bothered to learn about live action role-playing, let alone use the acronym in conversation. But Kiki had actually gone to a LARP just to see what it was like. A bunch of geeks pretending to be warriors and wizards didn’t bother her at all. Like I said, perfect.

Gaming was one of my favorite activities, and the upcoming weekend of epic epicness would be the best LARP in the history of the universe. Dragons of Roargan Kross had started out as an MMO—it was only the most popular multiplayer video game on the market—and when they’d developed a live action system, I’d practically fainted from excitement. There’s nothing cooler than dressing up like your favorite character and acting out the fight scenes just like you would online.

And now the LARP club was sponsoring a weekend event at the Boy Scout camp outside of town. A whole weekend of waving swords around and flirting with girls in elf ears. The only way it could be better was if Kiki was wearing the elf ears, but I’d take what I could get. She’d eventually realize we were meant to be. I just knew it.

“Of course your cousin can come!” I said. “Girls attend free because we’re all horndogs.” She laughed, and I did too, even though it wasn’t exactly a joke. “But she’ll either have to drive or deal with the humiliation of being dropped off by my dad.”

“Oh, I don’t want to inconvenience you. I can drop her off on my way to the cheer tournament. I signed up for the LARP club mailing list, so I’ve got the address.”

I couldn’t help it. I dropped to one knee and clapped a fist to my chest. “Marry me.”

She giggled, then extended a hand and pulled me to my feet. “I’m too young to get married. Ask me again in about ten years.”

“I’ll set up an email reminder.”

Kiki threw her head back and laughed, full out this time. I wanted to kiss her so bad right then, but I restrained myself. Good thing too, because suddenly Kate came hustling down the hallway toward us. Her braid whacked me in the face as she shrugged on her coat.

“You guys ready to go?” she asked. “I don’t want to be late.”

I didn’t answer, just shouldered my backpack and opened the door for Kiki.

“My hero,” she said, and my knees went weak.

#

The next few days dragged, but finally I found myself dressed in full Dragons of Roargan Kross gear—dark orange tunic with the Nightdark Clan crest on the sleeves, green hosen, pointed ears spirit-gummed to the sides of my head, and a leather bandolier wrapped around my torso—walking down the path that led to Kiawaukee Boy Scout camp.

The camp wasn’t particularly huge. There was a main lodge with a cafeteria, ten or so cabins, a couple of bathhouses with running water, a campsite, and a pond. About a bajillion acres of local wildlife preserve dwarfed the camp. A few paths snaked through the preserve, but at least once a year, some idiot left the designated path and got lost. The camp would have been the perfect place for a real-life adventure if only I’d known how to do half the things my character did.

I dropped my gear off on an empty bunk at the White Arrow cabin and headed toward the clearing where we’d be playing. The sun was shining, and I didn’t even need a jacket over my tunic. We’d had a warm spell over the past couple of days, which was lucky timing on our part. At last year’s LARP, we’d had to wear winter coats.

When I reached the path to Nightdark Camp, the sentry intercepted me before I’d taken more than two steps. I didn’t panic when a shadowy figure swung out of a tree on a rope we’d strung up out of sight, a sword held at the ready. And when I say “sword,” I mean PVC pipe wrapped in foam and secured with duct tape. But it was so much more than that.

The sentry on duty was a goblin fighter-thief named Goldnar. He wasn’t very smart IRL, and putting on a costume didn’t help.

“Password,” he barked, his beaked latex nose quivering. He didn’t even seem to have noticed that he was accosting the lord of Nightdark Clan, but that didn’t surprise me. You’d think I would have chosen a more capable sentry, but I’d picked him on purpose. Our enemies would be so busy scoffing at him that they wouldn’t notice the archers I’d stationed in the trees.

“Death to noobs,” I whispered, using the elaborate hand signals that would identify me as a member of Nightdark Clan. You know, just in case our mortal enemies, the Clan of Apples, had learned how to clone people in the last couple of weeks.

“Oh.” Goldnar looked at me finally and dropped into a hasty bow. “I didn’t recognize you, sir. Right this way.” He bowed again and gestured for me to follow him down the path into the camp. I stayed close on his heels, scanning the trees for my sniper nests. I couldn’t see them, but I knew they were there, and I felt a surge of pride. If the Apples came looking for trouble, they’d get some.

When we stepped out into the clearing, I couldn’t keep from bouncing. It was so cool to see the camp laid out. The canvas lean-to representing the armory stood in the middle. A big open flap in the roof served as a watchtower. Flags on either side of the doorway flapped in the steady breeze, and the black crow painted on them seemed to take flight. A row of tents along one edge of the camp represented our “homes,” although we weren’t allowed to sleep there because the chaperones were worried about “inappropriate intergender events.” (Rightfully so, because I hadn’t been kidding about the horndog thing.) The clanmeet, where we’d all gather to socialize and plan our assault on the enemy, was designated by a cluster of picnic tables marked off with stakes and string to represent the walls. A ring of stones delineated the central fire pit, where a nice-sized blaze crackled and spit ash into the air.

It was the exact layout of our online domain. I dreamt about this place sometimes. Heck, I spent so much time there, waking and sleeping, that I could have closed my eyes and automatically walked to any location in the camp without even peeking.

The clearing backed up against a small rock face, where my clanlord’s tent was located. It was just a big green tarp held up by a few poles, and it slanted slightly to one side no matter how many times I’d tried to fix it, but it was all mine. The rest of the gamers had to share tents, some of which were bought at the local sporting goods store. At least mine was semiauthentic.

I was one of the first of our clan to arrive. An adult supervisor was organizing the food and spared me a nod between counting packets of ramen. Calamity and Europa smiled and waved at me from over near the cook tent. Calamity was a barbarian, and she looked really good in fur and braids. She could role-play a frenzy better than anybody I’d ever met; her eyes actually rolled back into her head. And Europa was the best healer in the whole region, not to mention a good hand with a staff. Her robes made me want to snuggle up against them and purr, but I’d noticed that girls tended to take that kind of thing and blow it all out of proportion even if you just meant to be friendly.

“Ladies,” I said. I threw myself into a sweeping bow, and the girls giggled. At school, I was just another freshman geek, easy fodder for slamming into lockers or tripping in the cafeteria. But here I morphed into something bigger than Jonah Grable. Here, I was Sir Talatien Maguirier, Nightdark Clanlord. And I was a hero.

Europa blew me a kiss, and I wanted to go over and see if I could charm her and Calamity into a game of chance, with real kisses for prizes, but there would be plenty of time for that later. Part of the reason Sir Talatien was so successful, both on the battlefield and with the ladies, was because he never did anything halfway and never, ever shirked his duties. He was a man of honor, and I had to uphold that.

So I reluctantly but firmly turned my back on the girls and surveyed the camp. This weekend’s game would be a struggle for power between our clan and the Clan of Apples. The Apples were more than a little weird. At the last LARP, they’d captured Goldnar and made him lick a frog. They’d actually brought one expressly for that purpose.

My job as the Nightdark Clan leader would be to anticipate their attacks and coordinate some of our own. We’d win bragging rights for the rest of the year with the prank I had planned. The Apples would never live it down.

I strolled toward my tent to check on the supplies and plans stored in my chest, double encoded in case they fell into enemy hands. But just as I reached to flip open the tent flap, Goldnar’s nasal voice pierced the air again.

“I present Lady Amethyst, emissary of the Court of Lost Sighs!” he said. “I don’t know her, but she’s hot.”

I didn’t recognize the name, so I figured it must be Kiki’s cousin. I wasn’t quite sure what to expect. Kiki had emailed me a few details—her cousin was sixteen, lived in Cleveland, and was apparently a total Roargan Kross addict. I couldn’t make it add up. On one hand, she shared some of Kiki’s DNA. On the other, she was a gamer geek. Kate and I had speculated at length over which one would turn out to be the dominant characteristic. Kate said geek; I said goddess.

We’d both been wrong, because this girl was the best of both worlds. She had red hair, violet eyes, and a pair of honest-to-god wings emerging from the back of her cloak. The feathers were dark purple, and I really wanted to pet them. Or her. I would have been happy with either.

Before I could make my mouth work again, she scowled at Goldnar. “I am Lady Amethyst, emissary of the Court of Lost Sighs, and I demand an apology for thy insult!” Her violet eyes flashed, and her wings rustled. I caught glimpses of a killer figure under the loose contours of her cloak and I almost forgot to breathe. That happens to me a lot.

“Oh,” said Goldnar. He was so stunned that he didn’t even move as she took his sword and shoved it in his face.

“You should apologize,” she demanded. I wasn’t sure whether her accent was real or not. It sounded vaguely Scottish. And it was really sexy.

Goldnar blinked slowly, his eyes flicking up and down as he finally registered what he was seeing—one pissed-off girl with wings. And then he did the only thing that could save him: He dropped to one knee in the hard-packed dirt at her feet and said, “Forgive me, milady. I feared your loveliness was just a nefarious disguise concocted by the evil Clan of Apples.”

She looked down at him sternly, then patted his head, the way you would a favorite dog. “I’ll let it pass this time. Now, where is your clanlord? I desire words with him.”

“Here, milady,” I said, raising a hand in greeting as I approached. On the inside, I was still drooling, but that wasn’t Tal’s style. Technically, we weren’t getting into character until noon, but it wouldn’t hurt to make a good first impression. “You are dismissed, Goldnar.”

Goldnar backed away reluctantly as I kissed Lady Amethyst’s hand. “Nightdark Clan is honored by your presence and sends its regards to the regent of Lost Sighs.” Of course I had no idea who that was, because Roargan Kross had literally hundreds of kingdoms, but it seemed like the polite thing to say. It worked too, because her lips twitched into a smile and she sidled up next to me.

“Anywhere we can talk OOC?” she murmured.

“Of course!” I said a little louder than I’d intended, but the fact that this girl wanted to see me out of character was more than my system could handle. She might not actually want to talk, and I’d have to turn her down because I didn’t believe in casual sex, no matter how much I might want to. Besides, it wouldn’t do to toy with Kiki’s cousin. Not at all.

It wasn’t likely, but she might make a pass at me. LARP hookups happened all the time. Calamity had come on to me at the last LARP, and things were still a little awkward between us. Especially after my incident with Europa and that game of Spin the Drinking Horn. No matter how hard I tried, it seemed like I was always leading them on. I honestly didn’t mean to. It just kind of happened.

“Right this way,” I added in a more normal tone of voice, gesturing toward my tent. “We can speak freely inside.”

“Thank you,” she said, keeping pace with me across the grounds. The tip of her wing brushed my shoulders, and it smelled of spice and citrus. I would have paid good money to rub my face in it.

“Those wings must have cost a fortune,” I blurted out. “Can I touch them?”

“Actually, I made them myself,” she said. “I play a half-wyvern necromancer, and it took me a long time to duplicate my avatar just right.”

“Necromancers are so cool. I turned into a zombie about a month ago, you know.” She blinked at me, and I added, “It’s okay. My sister cured me.”

“Well, if I need any zombie tips, I know who to talk to.”

I stepped up to the tent and rolled open the flap for her. When you look like a twelve-year-old, you need every bit of chivalry you can scrape up.

“This way, milady.”

She took a step into the tent. Then another. Just as I was following her inside, I heard a faint howling noise coming from high overhead. I looked up toward the top of the rock face that bordered the back of the camp. It was only about three or four stories tall, but lances of sunlight had broken through the trees and made it tough to see anything without shades. I had some in my pack, but no way was I putting them on. I wasn’t some anachronistic noob.

A white blur streaked the air, falling at high velocity toward my command center.

“Amethyst!” I yelled, running into the tent. She turned an inquisitive gaze in my direction, but there wasn’t time to explain. I wrapped an arm around her waist, pulled her up against me, and threw us both outside.

That’s when a monster fell out of the sky.

CHAPTER 2

In the moment of silence following the collision, I froze. Sitting in the middle of my collapsed tent, surrounded by my shattered belongings, was an honest-to-god yeti. It had to be almost seven feet tall, with hands the size of dinner plates. Matted white fur covered its body and almost completely obscured its eyes, but they fixed on me anyway. They looked like black marbles behind the shaggy gray of the yeti’s bangs.

The shock was so great that I barely registered the fact that my face was pillowed on a very soft, very comfortable part of Amethyst’s body. I released her and stood up, my hand going cautiously to the hilt of my sword. Either the Clan of Apples had just dressed up a gamer in a fur suit and tossed him over a cliff or this really was a yeti. Both options made me want to squeal.

“Are you injured?” I asked the yeti, my words slow and deliberate.

The yeti’s nose wrinkled in a very convincing way. Animatronic, maybe? Was this really happening? Then the creature rolled onto its claw-tipped feet in one smooth motion and bounded off into the woods without a backward glance.

I had taken two steps after it when moaning from the ground caught my attention. Amethyst sat up with her hand clasped to her head.

“What happened?” she mumbled.

“Are you okay?” I asked. I didn’t see any blood, but beyond that, I had no idea what to do. Kate would have been very disappointed in me.

“Yeah. I think,” she said.

“Good. I’ll be right back.”

I dashed into the woods after the beast, drawing my sword. “To arms!” I yelled, my heart galloping. Everything slowed to a crawl, and the adrenaline surging through my veins made me feel like I had to fight or fold under the pressure. I’d led charges in LARPs, and they always felt like this. Totally awesome.

“Nightdark!” I heard Calamity’s rallying cry almost instantaneously, and where she was, Europa wouldn’t be far behind. It was too bad that the rest of the clan couldn’t join in the hunt, but I felt more than prepared with the three of us. We’d quested together a lot and hadn’t needed any resurrections in over a year now. Which was good, because I hadn’t yet found a resurrection charm that worked IRL. Not that I’d looked. Much.

My character was a master-level tracker, and this wasn’t the first time I’d wished I could download his skills into my brain. I didn’t see the yeti anywhere in the thick trees, and the path ahead looked like just a stretch of dirt. My neck prickled with the threat of ambush, and I kept whipping my head around in an effort to watch my own back.

When I saw Calamity and Europa crunching through the dead leaves toward me, I could have kissed them. More than usual, even.

“What happened?” asked Europa, pitching her voice low.

“Didn’t you see?” I hissed.

“See what? Calamity forgot her peace tie. We had to go back to the girls’ cabin to get it in case the Apples called for a parley.”

“Well,” I said, my eyes darting among the trees. “A yeti just fell on the command tent.” Calamity laughed, and I barely managed to keep my cool. They were gamers; they should have been more open to fantastic things than the average person. “Do I look like I’m kidding? Come see the damage for yourself.”

Clearly, I’d need to come up with a plan if I wanted to find that yeti. But first, I needed backup. And no way would the girls believe me if they didn’t see it with their own eyes.

“Look at this,” I said as we emerged into the clearing near the remains of my tent.

I would have explained what had happened, but I was struck mute. Amethyst stood next to the rubble, her cloak and leather breastplate discarded on the ground. She was wearing only leggings and a thin tank top, which was molded even more tightly to her body by the leather straps that attached her wings to her torso. One of the straps had come loose, and she was twisting into pretzel shapes trying to reattach it.

“Will you give me a hand here?” she asked, blowing a strand of ruby hair out of her face.

“Sure!” I squeaked, forgetting all my Tal-endowed cool. I’d dreamed about situations like this, only I wished she was wearing a chain mail bikini. I’d heard a lot about them, and of course I’d seen pictures, but I still hadn’t managed to catch sight of one in the flesh. Or on the flesh, I guess.

I fixed the strap and only then remembered Calamity and Europa. Uh-oh. I followed their gaze to Amethyst and realized I’d made a terrible miscalculation. They’d both been flirting with me ever since we’d met; they were definitely not immune to the charms of the zombie slayer. I’d always been careful not to show preference to either of them, because I honestly liked them both. But now that I’d brought Amethyst to the LARP, it probably felt like a slap in the face to them. They probably thought I’d been leading them on. I needed to fix this situation before it blew up, and fast.

“I need a moment,” I said to Amethyst, tugging on her wingtip.

“That’s fine,” she said. “I’ll head for the armory and see if I can’t get my breastplate fixed. And then you and I are going to have that talk.”

“All right,” I responded quietly.

I really wanted to see Lariat’s face when she entered the armory. He was my best friend; we rode the bus together, sat together at lunch, and played Roargan Kross online every night. His real name was Larry, but nobody called him that other than his parents and teachers. To the rest of us, he’d always be Lariat, the best weaponsmaster in the entire kingdom. He’d probably take one look at Amethyst and fall over unconscious. I would have liked to see that.

But first I had a crisis to avert.

CHAPTER 3

Calamity and Europa turned their backs on me and stalked across the camp. I tried to tell myself that they had important things to do. But when I caught up to them, Europa was fussing with a plastic tent stake, and Calamity was poking the fire with a stick. Not exactly tops on the list of Things That Must Be Done.

“Hey,” I said.

They didn’t answer. Well, Calamity poked the fire a little harder, sending up a shower of sparks right into my face. That was answer enough.

I didn’t know what to say. Actually, that’s not entirely accurate. I wanted to say, “I know you both like me and have been patiently waiting for me to make a move in one direction or the other, but please don’t be pissed that I’ve been putting you off and just made matters worse by bringing a hot half-wyvern to the LARP, because I didn’t know in advance how hot she was or I would have at least forewarned you.” But I was pretty sure that explanation would get me slapped.

At times like this (meaning any situation in which a female is even remotely involved), I ask myself a very important question: What would Sir Talatien do? Tal was a Night elf ranger who had been orphaned at birth and raised by the Day elves. Now that he was of age, he’d started his own clan. But his status hadn’t gone to his head: when he wasn’t working, he could usually be found in the taverns of Tollenhall, downing mead with his friends and sucking up a lot of female attention.

He had it really tough. Ish.

I knew exactly what he would have done with Calamity and Europa, because I’d been playing him through two years, for three game systems and four expansion sets. I pulled out my sword and dropped to one knee before my wronged damsels. They gaped as I bowed my head and offered up my blade.

Sure, it wasn’t really a blade, and they couldn’t have used it to take my head off, but it was important to me. Tal’s sword meant the world to him, and I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t want to be just like him. He lived and died by an honorable warrior code. So would I.

My heart hammered in my chest as I waited to see what they’d do. Europa didn’t worry me; her brown eyes were already welling with tears. But Calamity’s name suited her all too well. At school, she was a mousy sort of girl who never spoke above a whisper, took all honors classes, and played the flute in the chamber music trio. But once she put on her Roargan Kross costume, she became someone totally different. Calamity was one of the most decorated arena fighters in the kingdom, known for taking wild risks and flying off the handle. She’d once torn down Three Bards Inn with her bare hands because some poor noob had pinched her character’s butt. Sure, it had happened online in a virtual world, but you had to respect her for sticking up for herself.

In short, there was a pretty decent chance that I was about to take a PVC strike to the head. It wouldn’t hurt anything except my ego, but I’d still prefer to avoid it if I could.

Calamity took the sword from my hands, testing its weight with a couple of experimental swings. I wanted to launch to my feet and explain to her how I’d whittled down a dowel and packed the PVC with cotton to get the weight just right, but I forced myself to stay put. I’d committed myself to her mercy, and I wasn’t going to get up until she gave the okay.

She circled around me, and now I could barely sit still. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. If she killed my character, I wasn’t going to be able to LARP for the rest of the night. I had a regeneration charm, but it didn’t activate until sunup. Which meant I’d be stuck sitting on the sidelines while everyone else raided the Apple camp. And that would suck major suckables.

But before Calamity could make a move, Amethyst came back out of the armory and walked toward us. “Hey,” she said, “what’s going on?”

Calamity leaned close, whispering in my ear. “This conversation isn’t over. Take your stupid sword.”

“I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings,” I said, returning the sword to its sheath. “I’m sorry, Cal.” But she ignored me and walked away, her jaw tight with tension. Europa gave me a helpless shrug, and I smiled at her a little.

“Hello?” Amethyst walked up and waved her hands in front of my face. “Did some alien virus strike all males in the area completely mute? The guy at the armory just stared at me until I finally gave up and left.”

“Don’t mind Lariat. He’s just shy. But Goldnar, the sentry, will try and sneak a peek at you in the shower if you don’t buddy up,” said Europa, extending a hand. “Hi. I’m Europa of Goldenrod.”

“Amethyst.” They shook hands. “And thanks for the warning.”

I turned to look at Europa. “Why didn’t you tell me about Goldnar?” I asked, my grip tightening on the hilt of my sword. “I would have taken care of it.”

Europa and Calamity exchanged guilty glances. Then they both cracked up.

“I handled it,” said Calamity. “I’m not totally incompetent.”

“I didn’t mean to imply that!” I exclaimed. Some days it was hard to be chivalrous without coming off like a total ass.

“So what happened with the tent?” Amethyst said, and if I didn’t want to snuggle up to her before, I did now. The change of subject was very much appreciated.

“A yeti fell on it. Like, out of the sky.” I waved my arms around excitedly as I surveyed the damage. “It’s one of the coolest things I’ve ever seen in my entire life, and I’ve seen zombies!”

I’d spent two nights setting up all my gear just the way I wanted it. Now it was in shambles. The central support pole was splintered, and the heavy-duty tarp sported a couple of giant holes. My storage chest looked intact, but the folding table and chairs were twisted into metal origami shapes. It was going to cost me a lot of snow-shoveling money to replace all of it, but I couldn’t help grinning every time I thought about the beast plummeting out of the sky. He could have fallen onto anybody’s tent, but he had fallen on mine.

Finally, I tore my eyes away from the mess to find all three girls staring at me.

“You need to get out more,” Amethyst said. “Seriously.”

CHAPTER 4

“Everything okay?” A chaperone came lurching into the camp, sweat plastering his wispy hair to his head. He set a carton of bottled water down on the ground with a huff of effort. “Looks like your tent died, Jonah.”

“Yeah.” I tried to look embarrassed, which isn’t easy when you’re bouncing on the inside and making a loud EEEEEEEE sound in your head. “Structural deficiency, I guess. We’ll clean it up.”

“I know you will.” He turned away, totally uninterested. On one hand, it was a little insulting that our chaperones had no gaming chops whatsoever. On the other, it could also be very convenient. We got away with the occasional bending of the rules because they quite simply didn’t care what we did. They just showed up because the Bayview Community Center paid them.

“What’s this ‘we’ stuff?” muttered Calamity.

“We can’t make him clean this up all by himself,” Europa said. “Come on, Cal. That’s totally uncool.”

“I’ll take any help I can get,” I said. “But I was hoping you’d at least stick around so I could pick your brains. I think between the four of us, we could have a nice strategy council going on here.”

“What are we strategizing?” Amethyst pulled a chair out of the rubble. One of its legs was bent into a curlicue. “Anybody have duct tape?”

Calamity snorted. “Duct tape won’t fix that.”

My words came out in unison with Amethyst’s: “Duct tape will fix anything.” We grinned at each other, until I noticed Calamity’s scowl and figured I should stop.

“So I need ideas on how to track the yeti,” I said, dragging my chest out of the mess and retrieving the tape. “We need to know once and for all if we’re dealing with a real cryptozoological creature or if it’s just some LARPer.”

“Crypto-whatsit?” Europa asked, wrinkling her nose.

“Cryptozoological,” Amethyst interjected before I could answer. “Legendary animals like the Loch Ness monster and Bigfoot and the chupacabra.”

“Which are all awesome,” I said.

“I don’t believe in any of that stuff,” Amethyst said, tossing her hair.

“You should.” Europa started to duct-tape the tent pole back together. “Jonah and his sister just took on a bunch of zombies. He lost the tip of his pinky finger and everything.” She gave me the Look, the one that made me feel all mushy. “He’s really brave.”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence, E.” I grabbed the tape and started tearing off pieces. Turning to Amethyst, I said, “But if you want to believe that it’s some idiot in disguise, I don’t mind. Just help me find it.”

“That’s easy,” Amethyst said. “My dad’s been taking me hunting since I was ten.”

“You kill Bambi?” Europa looked ready to cry.

“Nah. Ducks, mostly. I took down a wild turkey once too. But deer are too cute to shoot.”

“So you can help me track it, then?” I asked.

“I should be able to run down something as big as a yeti. How tall did you say it was?”

“Seven feet or so. I didn’t exactly measure it.”

“Like I said, easy.”

We all stood there and watched as Calamity strong-armed the curlicue chair back into shape. I honestly didn’t know how she managed because she was built like a string bean. Maybe the chairs were really flimsy. I decided I’d try it myself sometime when I didn’t have an audience.

“Well?” she grumbled, tossing the chair to the ground. “What are we waiting for?”

I glanced around the tent. It didn’t look anywhere near as cool as it had, but I didn’t think any of the chaperones would be tempted to rope it off as unsafe, if they even noticed the disrepair at all. That was good enough for me. Who wanted to spend time redecorating when there was a yeti to hunt?

“Nothing,” I said. “Let’s go.”

#

We followed Amethyst into the woods, weapons at the ready. The tip of my sword trembled. Europa noticed, and she rubbed my shoulder soothingly. I wanted to tell her that it wasn’t fear so much as excitement that was making me shake. Well, maybe a little fear, but that was okay. But then I realized it was pretty dumb to argue with her—as a healer, caretaking was just in her nature.

I walked in the middle of the group, which seemed backward to me. As the lone guy, shouldn’t I have been protecting the women? I felt like I should have been bringing up the rear, but Calamity had claimed that spot and I knew she was equal to it. Maybe someone would attack us and she could take her frustrations out on them. I’d just have to resist the urge to shout a battle cry and leap to her rescue.

I spent so long overanalyzing the situation that when I looked up, I had no idea where we were. Which may have had something to do with the fact that I’d never been a Boy Scout, and one tree looked disturbingly like another—unless they were digitized, in which case I could have spotted a lazy programmer with a blindfold on.

We were in a clearing. I was fairly certain we were still in the same state, since we’d only been walking for about five minutes and hadn’t hit a highway. Then a familiar rock caught my eye. Lariat and I had laughed about it when we’d set up our ambush; if you were to paint it yellow, it would have looked exactly like Pikachu. Too bad I hadn’t noticed it a millisecond sooner.

“Amethyst, stop!” I shouted just as her foot hit the tripwire buried in the leaves around the rock.

She half turned to face me as the catapults started firing. The air filled with Grade A extra-large eggs. The first one took Amethyst on the arm, followed by four body shots in quick succession. The other girls tried to duck and cover, squealing, but it was no use as a second volley of ovoid ammunition flew through the air. One egg splatted on my tunic; another took me on the side of the head and oozed a cold trail toward my eardrum. I covered my face with my hands and waited for the ambush to end.

The eggs finally stopped flying, but I didn’t move. It would have been useless anyway; we’d made sure to set up our trap so that it would catch the Apples if they tried to flee. I heard a muffled whoomph as the tarps released the mountain of chicken feathers we’d stashed overhead. The downy feathers fell onto our shoulders like snow.

When I opened my eyes, the ground was white. The girls looked like chickens with leprosy, because the feathers had only stuck to their eggy bits. Which actually made it even more hilarious than if we’d been completely covered.

I started to snicker quietly to myself, when Calamity said, “I am going to kill those Apples,” in a voice that assured us she was not kidding at all. Something told me it would be wise to let the Apples take the blame for this one, at least for now. I bit the inside of my cheek and tried to hold in the giggles, because I wanted to live long enough to prove that the yeti was real, that I’d discovered it, and that if it hadn’t been for my superior tent-building skills, it would probably be dead. After that, I’d own up to placing the trap.

Amethyst and Calamity started brushing each other off, muttering angrily. At least their shared fury gave them something to bond over. Although that would be of little consolation when they combined their powers to beat me into a pulp.

I tried to clean the egg off my tunic and only succeeded in smearing it around. “Here,” Europa said, producing a package of baby wipes from her bag. “Let me help.”

“Are you planning to change diapers sometime this weekend?” I asked, holding my arms out and letting her tackle the yolky parts.

She laughed, her curls bouncing. “No. I keep them in my med kit just in case of emergencies.”

“You’re awesome,” I blurt out.

Color rose to her cheeks. “So are you,” she said. Then she paused before continuing. “How did you know? About the trap, I mean?” She finished cleaning off my tunic and offered me the package. I took out a wipe and started cleaning out my ear.

“I … uh … saw the tripwire. I think. It moved the leaves, you know?”

She didn’t seem to notice that I was stammering.

“Well, thank you for trying, anyway.” She stood up on her tiptoes—she was even shorter than me—and pressed her lips against my cheek. I would have confessed right then and there, but suddenly Amethyst let out a yelp.

“Nobody move!” she exclaimed, crouching to look at the ground. “I think I’ve got something.”

“Define ‘something,’ ” Calamity said.

I half expected her to say, “It’s Jonah’s footprint. He must have set the trap, and now I’m going to kill him.” Very few things honestly scare me, but right then I was terrified.

Amethyst looked up at me. “I think it might be a yeti print,” she said, the shock clear on her face.

CHAPTER 5

We crouched on the ground amid drifts of white feathers to get a better look at the print. It was big, like order-your-shoes-off-the-Internet big, but I don’t think this guy was going to be squeezing those tootsies into a pair of Skechers anytime soon. His toe prints were long, widespread, and tipped with deep gouges where his claws would be.

“That,” I said solemnly, “is one of the most awesome things I’ve ever seen.”

“It’s probably just a costume, Jonah,” said Calamity, snorting. “Don’t get all worked up over it.”

“So what if it is?” I shrugged. “We’re still on an honest-to-goodness yeti hunt. Doesn’t that strike you as even a little bit cool?”

“I guess,” she replied cautiously.

“Then I’m going to enjoy the experience. You probably wouldn’t have so many latent anger issues if you did the same thing.”

I turned to Amethyst and changed the subject before we ruined the whole experience by starting an argument and losing any chance we might have of tracking this thing down. “Can you follow it?” I asked.

Amethyst nodded slowly, glancing from Calamity’s red face to mine. “Yeah. I think. The ground’s wet enough to hold a print. Although she’s got a point. Yeti are supposed to be, like, found in the Himalayas, right? They’re not exactly indigenous to Ohio.”

“So maybe it’s an albino Bigfoot. Or maybe it’s a guy in a suit. I don’t care,” I said. “Don’t you get it? This may be my only chance in my entire life to hunt a yeti-type-thing, and you are all ruining it!” My voice got a little screechy at the end there, but I’d just about had it. Didn’t they understand that sometimes for people like us, imagination was the only thing we had left? Maybe I would go back to school on Monday and one of the jocks would give me a wedgie in the locker room, but today I was a hunter of cryptids that would make those weenies squeal in fear. It was a tradeoff I was more than willing to make, but I was starting to wish I’d taken on the hunt alone.

Europa sidled up to me. “It’s okay. I’ve got your back.”

“Thanks, E.” I cuffed her on the shoulder because I didn’t want to get overemotional.

“Hey.” Amethyst stood up. “I’m still in. It’s all right, dude.”

The three of us looked at Calamity. Calamity looked at me.

“It wouldn’t be the same without you, Cal. Please?” I wheedled. “Do it for me?”

“I hate you,” she said, but she didn’t sound like she felt that way at all. Then she shouldered her sword. “Well, what are you waiting for? Let’s move.”

We set off into the great unknown on a search for yeti-related awesomeness.

#

We found the yeti sitting on one of the rare benches that lined the walking trails. I’m no expert on cryptid body language, but the creature looked depressed. It was sitting with its enormous claw-tipped feet dragging in the dirt, its shaggy head in its hands. Next to me, Europa let out a wordless sound of pity. It was barely audible, but the yeti reacted like we’d sounded a bullhorn. It leapt to its feet, shoulders hunched like it expected something to pop out at any second and hit it, or maybe pelt it with eggs and drop a tarp full of feathers on its head.

Maybe my reputation had preceded me.

I had to stop it before it ran off again. Eventually, the lazy chaperones were going to notice that they had extra ramen packets, which meant missing LARPers, which meant they would actually have to do something—and I didn’t want to find out what that something was. Plus, I was hungry, and all I had in my bandolier was an old granola bar. Ideally, this adventure would be over by lunchtime.

“It’s okay,” I said, dropping my sword and bandolier on the ground and taking a step forward with my hands held out. “We’re here to help.”

The yeti’s head swiveled toward me, but I couldn’t see its eyes this time. As I took another step forward, its nostrils flared, catching my scent.

“My name is Jonah. Do you speak? Do you have a name?”

It hunched over farther and farther as I got closer, like it had delusions of turtle-ness and might try to pop its head back inside its body. I barely came up to its waist, but for some strange reason, the yeti was afraid of me. And now that I was closer, I could see raw, red rings of flesh around its wrists. I recognized the marks immediately because I’d worn mine with pride for weeks after the whole zombie incident. The yeti had been cuffed.

“Did someone hurt you?” I demanded. Now I was pissed. Yetis were a thing to be cherished, and if someone had hurt this one, I was going to go medieval on his ass. The thought alone made me furious enough to hit something.

Was that why he’d fallen onto the tent? Had he been running from something? Had he jumped from a plane that was taking him to the mad scientist’s secret lair, where they were going to perform horrible experiments on him? If so, I hoped the lair was somewhere close so I could go there and put them out of business. No one messes with yeti when Jonah Grable is around.

The yeti took one look at the fury on my face and let out a pitiful whimper. I felt like a total jerk.

“Is he hurt?” Europa exclaimed, and within seconds, she’d shouldered me aside and was cooing over the yeti’s injuries. “Oh, you poor thing. Let me help. It’s okay.” And slowly but surely, she coaxed the giant beast to sit back down, and he let her touch his shoulder, his arm, and finally his huge claw-tipped paws. She cleaned and bandaged his wounds, talking quietly to him the whole time. I couldn’t even feel jealous that she was the first one to make physical contact. After what he’d been through, he deserved a little TLC.

Finally, Europa finished and turned to look at me. “This isn’t a costume, Jonah.”

I nodded as the importance of what we’d found started to dawn on me. I was going to be the guy who’d caught a real live yeti. Kate had been on CNN after she’d cured the zombies; she didn’t make much use of her fame, but she could if she wanted to. Taking Kiki to homecoming had helped my status, but I still got swirlied every once in a while. That wouldn’t ever happen again if I brought in the yeti.

Everyone was watching me, waiting to see what I’d do. Even the yeti. It was the kind of situation I’d always play-acted but never lived, the kind that really mattered.

“Hey, big guy,” I said, moving cautiously toward the shaggy, hulking beast. “It’s okay; we’re not going to hurt you. You’re safe now.”

The yeti shrank away as I drew closer, and I held up my hands to show how harmless I was.

“Seriously, dude. It’s okay. I’m a good guy.” I tapped myself on the chest, and the beast stared at my tunic like it might manifest teeth and go on the attack. “Oh, don’t worry about the outfit. I’m just wearing these funny clothes for a game.”

The yeti huffed.

“Where did you come from?” I said. “Did someone hurt you?”

The creature snuffled and wiped its nose with the back of a paw. Then it gently grabbed my arm. The tips of its claws punctured the thin fabric, scratching me a little, but I didn’t care. I wasn’t washing this arm until I got Kate to swab it. For all I knew, I had yeti DNA on my skin. Which was so freaking cool.

“What are you trying to tell me?” I asked.

The beast stood up (and up and up) and tugged me down the trail a couple of steps into the underbrush. I scrambled to match its long strides, feeling like a toddler being dragged around by a very hairy mother.

“Come on!” I exclaimed wildly, even though the girls were right behind us. “Let’s see what the yeti wants to show us.”

“He really is insane,” Amethyst muttered to Calamity, just loud enough for me to hear.

“Yeah,” Cal replied. “But we love him anyway.”

I grinned back at them as the yeti towed me into the woods.

CHAPTER 6

I lost track of how long we walked, mostly because I had to struggle to keep up with the yeti lest I be dragged along the forest floor on my face. Pretty soon, I was huffing and puffing and tripping over my own feet. The yeti finally realized that his stride was about three times bigger than mine. He looked down at me with a sheepish expression and released my arm.

He wasn’t even out of breath, but I couldn’t stop gasping as I took in our surroundings. Nothing looked familiar, but the area wasn’t exactly bursting with landmarks. There were trees and rocks and dirt, all of which looked no different to me than the trees, rocks, and dirt we’d just left. I couldn’t even see a path, and I really hoped the yeti knew where he was going, because if he didn’t, we were totally screwed.

The girls had fallen far behind us. I sat on a log trying to catch my breath while we waited for them. Finally, they appeared in the clearing.

“Where are we going?” Amethyst asked, vaulting a fallen tree branch and brushing her hands off on her thighs. “I’m all for equal yeti rights or whatever, but I’m not sure this is the wisest thing we’ve ever done. We need to be able to find our way back, you know. And I’d still like to LARP some too.”

“I’ve got a compass,” I said, patting my bandolier and trying to sound more confident than I felt. I couldn’t expect the girls to follow my lead if I didn’t at least make an attempt at bravery under pressure. “It’ll be okay. We’ll make it back in time.”

“Reassuring, but I repeat—where are we going? It’s been almost a half hour, and it’ll be lunchtime soon. I don’t think we’re even in the Scout camp anymore.”

I looked up at the yeti. He seemed to understand us, so I figured I should at least ask. “Is it a lot farther, big guy?”

The yeti shook its shaggy head and gestured up the path. All I could see were more trees.

“I’m sticking with him,” I said after a moment of consideration. “I’m not going to come this far only to turn around, but if you want to go back, I understand. You can take the compass if you need one.”

The girls exchanged glances. “Five more minutes?” Europa asked.

Amethyst nodded. “Seems fair.”

I turned to the yeti. “You heard them, dude. Think we can get there in five?”

The beast nodded, chuffing eagerly, and we took off again at a slightly more manageable pace. We went over a rise and around a bend and down a slope, and then we were on a road. Roads aren’t the most exciting things in the world, but this one made my heart beat like crazy. For one thing, it was a sign that we hadn’t slipped off the grid entirely, and that was a major relief. There was a big khaki-colored windowless building up ahead, and I was so relieved to have found a sign of civilization that I was tempted to run up and kiss it. A sign outside still bore the outline of letters that had long since been removed—PUPTOPIA PET BOARDING.

On the north side of the mystery building was a dingy trailer home propped up on cinder blocks. A row of pens ran along the south side. There was a yeti in one pen and what looked like a freaking liger in another. It was huge, bigger than the lions at the zoo, anyway, with tiger stripes and the big, blunt head and mane of a lion. Out of all the creatures in the world, both real and imaginary, I’d always wanted a liger. In Jonah math, lion plus tiger equals awesome.

I was still gaping at the liger when our yeti let out a bellowing cry of sadness at the sight of its friends in the cages. It probably would have attracted a lot of attention if there wasn’t already a guy standing at the trailer door, pointing a rifle at us.

We stopped and stared at him. He stared back, but he didn’t lower the gun. The dangerous end was drifting toward the yeti, and I felt both relieved and guilty that it wasn’t pointed at me or the girls.

The yeti hunched over like it was trying to hide. It looked terrified, and I couldn’t blame it. That gun had me feeling a little sick to my stomach, and I couldn’t take my eyes off it. I had the crazy urge to break out into song and try to distract the guy so we could make a run for it, but I couldn’t make my mouth work.

“Freeze!” the guy yelled.

“We’re not moving, dumbass!” Calamity said.

“Step away from the yeti!” he demanded.

I couldn’t help it. I started giggling. I was so scared; it was either that or pee my pants. And once I started, it was impossible to stop. It spread to the girls too, even Calamity, and pretty soon we were all laughing hysterically.

“Stop that!” the guy shouted, waving the gun around like it was a mind-control device.

It worked. We stopped laughing.

“Who do you work for?” he snapped.

“Nightdark Clan,” I said automatically. Then I realized that smart-assery wasn’t exactly wise in the face of firearms. “Uh, I mean, we’re high school students.”

“Who do you work for?” he repeated. “Altagene? Morphologix?”

We stared at each other. The guy was clearly one conspiracy theory away from the nuthouse, and I really wanted to get as far from him as possible. But I didn’t want to leave the yeti behind. It had clearly run away for a reason, and now it looked like it was trying to do the turtle thing again. The yeti was scared of this dude, and that meant I should probably tread lightly. After all, I had the rest of my team to protect.

“I’m sorry, sir,” I said, putting on my best suck-up face. “We really don’t know what you’re talking about. We were just following the yeti.”

“Yeah,” Europa added helpfully. “He crashed our Scout camp. Like, literally.”

The guy looked us over again. “What the hell are you wearing?”

“Costumes.” I shrugged disarmingly, but my usual charm wasn’t working on this guy. He frowned at me like he had a serious thing against costumes and our wearing them in his presence was almost enough to make him start shooting. For all I knew, that might actually have been true.

“Whatever,” he said. “You’re trespassing on private property. I could have you arrested.”

“Private schmivate,” Calamity said. “My dad is a lawyer, and I didn’t see any signs or a fence. How were we supposed to know we were trespassing? Were we supposed to use our psychic powers?”

I nudged her. “Dude, don’t make jokes about psychic powers. They cage yeti here.”

“Look, young lady,” the guy said, frowning furiously and shouldering the rifle. He produced a pair of handcuffs and grabbed the yeti by the arm. It could have resisted. Heck, I bet it could have torn the dude’s head off. But it just looked at its friend in the cage and let out another whimper. I was beginning to think the other yeti was a cryptozoological hostage. That pissed me off. I was liking this guy less and less with every passing second. And I hadn’t really liked him from moment one, what with the gun and all.

I needed to critically evaluate my enemy if I was going to get my team out of here unscathed, yeti included. This guy looked like every fantasy movie villain rolled into one convenient package—pointy goatee, scary eyebrows, and cheekbones that could cut holes in bank vaults. He was wearing a khaki jumpsuit with no name tag, which was going to make it very difficult to report him to the authorities later. Although I knew very little about modern weapons, I was pretty sure it wasn’t legal to point one at high school kids, and I fully intended to tell on him.

He tugged the yeti toward the cages, and the creature shuffled along behind him. En route, the guy waved his hand at us dismissively. “You don’t belong here. Just tell me who sent you, and I’ll let you go home.”

“No one sent us. Are you nuts?” I said, and then I snapped my mouth shut. Taunting the guy with the gun didn’t seem like such a bright idea, but it was too late to take it back.

Now he’d stopped and was looking at us a little more closely. The gun came off his shoulder again. He didn’t point it at us this time, but I was sure he would imminently. I’d stared down the business end of a firearm before and lived to tell the tale. So far, at least. I wasn’t sure if I should be whooping or puking. I felt like doing a little of both.

“On second thought,” the guy said, “how about this. Let me get this creature into a cage, and then why don’t you just come inside and we’ll call your parents and get you home?”

“Don’t you dare put him in a cage!” I yelled.

“No one tells me what to do!” he shrieked, wild-eyed.

Now he did swing the gun on me, and only me. The barrel looked enormous; everything else faded into nothingness. I dimly heard the girls whimpering, but they sounded miles away while I stood there staring death in the face. At least if I died, I could be proud that I was standing up for something important. I hated bullies. And if I lived, this one was totally going down.

“Inside,” said the guy, jerking the tip of the gun toward the trailer. This time none of us argued.

He shut the door behind us, and I heard the rasp of metal as he padlocked us in. I wasn’t sure what to expect from the inside of the trailer—would it look like a mad scientist’s lair? It didn’t. There were piles of paper and books on every available surface of the living room, but they were old Western paperbacks and yellowed stacks of bills. The furniture was old and plaid and smelled like the inside of my sneakers. The kitchenette was piled with dirty glasses and empty TV dinner trays. The windows were minuscule and grime-covered. A dimly lit hallway led to the back of the trailer.

I finished surveying the room and turned toward the girls. All three of them were staring at me.

“What?” I asked.

Cal snorted. “And here I thought you’d have some brilliant plan for escape.”

“Escape …?” I frowned thoughtfully. “Funny you should mention that. I do have a plan.”

“Which is …?” Amethyst asked, wrinkling her nose.

“No time to explain. He’ll be back in a minute. Europa, see if you can find a phone to call nine-one-one. Calamity and Amethyst, we need a rear exit point that’ll get us out of here pronto without him seeing. Go. Now.”

The girls scattered. I had just a second to appreciate how cool it was that they had actually listened to me before it was time to get to work. I started shuffling through the papers at warp speed, trying to figure out who the heck this guy was and what he was doing out here with a bunch of apparently nonmythical creatures. The bills were all addressed to a Tobias Bachmeier and had been sent to a post office box in town. The electric bills were really high; my dad would have had a fit. (Dad was pretty big into energy conservation.) I snorted; something told me that the whole pointing-a-firearm-at-his-son thing would probably outweigh the flagrant use of electricity in Dad’s mind. Something also told me that maybe I should quit pretending this was another LARP and take matters seriously. The predicament I found myself in still didn’t feel real to me, but I had to remember that I was going to lose more than my special items if I pushed this guy too far.

It seemed wise to hurry if I didn’t want to risk a repeat performance of the whole gun episode, and I was getting nowhere with the papers. I moved on to another pile at the end of the rickety wood dinette table. Pay dirt! There was a whole sheaf of performance reviews from Cryomed Engineering, and none of them was remotely positive. The last couple of reviews recommended that Mr. Bachmeier undergo a psychiatric evaluation, which didn’t bode well for us at all. We were stuck in the lair of a mad scientist with a God complex.

I shook my head and reminded myself that we’d get out of here, and it would be a good idea if we fled with a nice batch of evidence for the authorities. So I skimmed through a bunch of scientific papers full of gobbledygook about gene splicing and recessive traits and some other stuff that would make Kate throw a fit when I showed her. Unfortunately, I couldn’t figure out where to put all the paper. I couldn’t exactly stuff it down my leggings, and I didn’t have any pockets. I was standing there undecided when the door opened and in walked the crazy dude with the gun.

“Hey, Tobias,” I said, nice and loud. I was hoping the girls would hear me and get out while they still could. “What’s shakin’?”

“Get your hands off my correspondence!” he yelled, like I wasn’t standing just two feet from him.

I held my hands up like I had with the yeti and tried to channel Sir Tal. He wouldn’t let anyone push him around no matter what the situation. He was always cool, even when facing down a lich king one-on-one. “Chill, dude. I was just looking for some reading material.”

“Where are the rest of your friends?” he demanded.

“Bathroom,” I answered automatically.

His forehead wrinkled. “All together?”

“Hey, you know girls. They can’t pee without a committee.”

The dude grabbed me by the collar. “We’ll see about that,” he muttered, dragging me toward the hall. My feet scrabbled for purchase, but once again, I couldn’t manage to get my legs under me. Man, I couldn’t wait to hit a growth spurt. I was tired of being dragged around by giants.

Actually, that would have been pretty cool, now that I thought about it.

“You don’t have any giants here, do you?” I asked.

“What?”

“Giants. You have yeti and ligers and whatever else is in those pens. Do you have any giants?”

“Why? Do your employers want you to steal a giant recipe? Because they can’t have it. They can’t have any of my work.” He scowled at me so hard that I decided maybe I’d pushed my luck enough for the moment. I shifted my arm, trying to make his pincher grip just a little more comfortable. It was a futile effort, but at least I tried.

We stopped at a closed door at the end of the stumpy hallway. I was more than a little surprised when Tobias cleared his throat, knocked politely on the door, and said, “Ladies? Are you in there?”

There was, unsurprisingly, no answer. Because my girls aren’t stupid. I mean, not that they’re mine, because that implies ownership, and … oh, you know what I mean.

I couldn’t keep from grinning as I pictured the three of them shimmying out of one of the dinky windows and running down the road, followed by a herd of yeti, ligers, and other creatures of awesomeness. I could just imagine the faces of the Apples as the little band of adventurers ran through their camp. So epic.

“I know,” Tobias muttered, releasing the doorknob. “Shut up.”

I blinked. “I didn’t say anything.”

“I wasn’t talking to you.”

Now, that worried me. The combination of hearing voices and carrying a firearm didn’t make me feel secure at all. Sure, I was all for mad scientists, but only in theory. I needed to keep him talking, ground him in the real world. Hopefully, Europa had already found a phone and the cops were on their way. All I had to do was stall.

“I thought you were going to call our parents,” I said. “I’m honestly not working for anyone. I’m only fifteen. I’m not old enough to work without a permit. I mean, just look at me. Do I look old enough to hold a job?”

“Actually, you look twelve.” His gaze sharpened and he stroked his chin thoughtfully. I wanted to defend myself, but for once I had to concede that delayed puberty had its advantages. “All right. After my creatures are delivered, I’ll have no reason to stay here, so you can call anyone you like.”

“Delivered? To whom? Santa Claus?” I gestured wildly, just babbling now. “Do you plan to deliver them via dragon? Because that would be so cool.”

He scowled. “Don’t joke about dragons, boy. You have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about, dude.”

He started muttering about genetic this and recessive that. I couldn’t follow any of it, and I couldn’t think of any other ways to delay him. So when he grabbed for the doorknob, all I could do was pray.

There must be some kind of deity out there, because the bathroom was empty except for the usual—toilet, dinky shower stall, sink. And it smelled even worse than the rest of the place, which I hadn’t thought was even possible.

Tobias was getting more and more agitated, and it sounded to me like he was holding an entire conversation under his breath. I couldn’t make out any of the words, but I didn’t need to in order to realize that this was not good. Things got even worse when he turned and flung the bedroom door open. I felt like my heart was going to gallop out of my chest and run for safety. But that room too was empty except for a pair of fluttering curtains in front of an open window and a set of purple feathered wings on the floor.

CHAPTER 7

Tobias’s bedroom windows were tiny. Frankly, I found it tough to believe that the girls had climbed out of one of them. I wasn’t sure that I could have fit through the narrow rectangular space without taking off all my clothes and shaving a few inches off the sides of my skull. The mad scientist looked pretty impressed too, but then he seemed to realize that their escape was a bad thing.

“I know!” he snarled. “Shut up!”

Apparently, he didn’t like what his imaginary friend had to say, because he shoved past me and stormed toward the bedroom door with his teeth bared. I had to stop him before he got outside, or at least slow him down so the girls could make it into some ground cover. I was afraid he’d shoot them. Logical me said that if he hadn’t shot us by now, he was probably just trying to intimidate us with the whole gun thing. But I also reminded myself that he was certifiable and could throw logic out the window at any time. Which meant I’d have to err on the side of caution.

So I let out my best battle cry and threw myself at his legs. Kate’s boyfriend, Aaron, had actually spent a week trying to teach me how to play football until we’d both conceded that it was a lost cause. I’m just not physically adept at anything that doesn’t involve pretend bladed weaponry—and I’m okay with that. But I did remember the general theory behind a good tackle: it’s much easier to attack the legs than the body. If you grab the body, your target can break your grip. But if you entangle your target’s legs, he’s going down.

I knew all these things, but I was still surprised when Tobias actually went down. I wrapped my arms around his thighs and locked my hands together, and he toppled forward. I was doubly surprised when my hands slipped and his heel slammed into the bridge of my nose.

As a martial arts enthusiast, I’ve taken my fair share of blows to the nose. It even got broken once when Calamity and I were sparring and I let my guard down. But it’s not something you can exactly prepare for. Bright lights flashed before my eyes and my vision swam with tears as Tobias’s foot made contact with my face; it felt like my sinuses and my brainstem were occupying the same space. These things combined made it very difficult to restrain the lunatic with the firearm. He grabbed me by the scruff of the neck like he was a sanity-impaired mama cat and I was the naughtiest kitten in the litter and dragged me toward the front door. The tips of my toes trailed across the threadbare carpet, but at least I wasn’t choking. My sleeves dug uncomfortably into my armpits as he pulled me down the trailer steps.

Fighting back would have been a good idea, but I couldn’t get my eyes to focus. I knew from experience that the crying bit would last for about a minute or so and then I’d be okay. I closed my eyes and waited it out. Tears ran down my face, but I wasn’t one of those never-cry-in-public guys, so I didn’t care too much. Tobias hadn’t started shooting or shouting, so it seemed like the girls must have found a hiding spot. I certainly couldn’t see them. The clearing was just one big green blur that we were crossing at a high rate of speed.

I’d just managed to blink my eyesight back into focus when Tobias shoved me forward. The sudden motion caught me completely off guard, and I threw my hands up instinctively to protect my face. They got there just in time; I slammed into a chain link fence and fell to the hard-packed dirt underneath.

I didn’t need to hear the clang to tell me what I already knew: Tobias had locked me in one of the cages.

“Hey!” I yelled, scrambling to my feet and ignoring the link-induced pain in my hands. “You can’t do this!”

Tobias walked away with the rifle slung over his shoulder, still carrying on that one-sided conversation. I caught a glimpse of his face and wished I hadn’t. He looked ready to shoot something, and I could only hope that it wasn’t going to be me or one of the girls.

What kind of thought was that? I felt like biffing myself over the head with one of my swords. Sir Talatien wouldn’t just give up, and neither would I. He’d evaluate his resources, make a plan to save the day, and retire with a cold mug of mead afterward. I’d do the same, except with Mountain Dew. (I’d tried mead once, and it tasted like fermented shoe leather.)

First, I’d have to evaluate my resources. My sword had fallen out of my bandolier during the scuffle, and I had to admit that most of the other stuff I was carrying was useless. I had a compass, a Sharpie, a bit of twine, a couple of Band-Aids, a granola bar, and a bunch of props. Captivity isn’t exactly the best appetite stimulant, but I knew I had to keep my energy up if I wanted to get out of this mess. So I munched on the granola and tried to come up with an escape plan that involved tea-dyed scrolls and plastic gems. No luck. No surprise either.

I looked around at my surroundings. I was being held captive in a tall cage; I reached toward the ceiling and estimated it to be about six feet or so. As in, no way was I ever going to be able to touch the top. The corners were sturdy, and all the bolts were secure and free of rust. Nothing inside except me and a dirt floor, which was smooth except for the edge of a root that stuck up in one corner. I spent a few minutes trying to come up with an ingenious plan to use the root to free myself, but no soup. Then I tried digging around it, but the Sharpie wasn’t so good as a makeshift shovel, and the dirt was packed tight.

All right, so my physical assets were pretty much crap. I looked around the outside of my prison. In the cage next to me was my yeti, curled up in the fetal position on the ground. I could see the silver glint of the handcuffs in his fur. I was so mad I could have Hulked out. I tested the links just in case the anger really did give me a surge of energy, but no luck.

“Hey, big guy,” I said. Yeah, he was cuffed, but he’d gotten free once before, right? I’d just spent an extended period of time getting dragged around a forest by the thing; I knew how strong he was. All I had to do was inspire him to break us out and we’d find a way to best this villain together. By the time we were done, bards would sing our praises. (Literally—one of our LARPers played the guitar.)

But the creature didn’t move. “Yeti?” I called a little louder. “Can you hear me?”

No matter how loudly I shouted, I couldn’t get the beast to react. I started to worry that maybe he was injured or unconscious, but I could see his torso move as he breathed, so at least he was alive. At this point, I was starting to feel a little discouraged, and I could use all the good news I could get.

But my shouting did get the attention of the other yeti, who was farther down the line on my yeti’s other side. The other yeti lurched to its feet, stooping to avoid knocking its head on the top of the cage. It wasn’t as tall as my yeti, and it had the unmistakable shape of breasts on its torso. I carefully averted my eyes and reminded myself of my manners.

“Is he okay?” I called to the she-yeti. The creature huffed and tossed her head. I mentally translated the motion as “of course he’s not okay, you idiot.” And I had to admit she had a point.

“Yeah, stupid question, I know. So how do we get out of here? Can you break the cage?”

The she-yeti shook her massive head and I caught a glimpse of a black ring around her neck. I recognized it immediately. Our dog Armstrong had a shock collar just like it. Tobias must have put up invisible fences, and I had to believe that he’d cranked their power if it had been enough to put down a yeti.

“So this guy slipped his collar?” I asked. The she-yeti nodded. “And the chances of that working again are pretty slim. Okay, so what else can we do?”

She started gesturing, but I had no idea what she was trying to say. I was really wishing I’d taken sign language instead of Spanish, but then a movement across the clearing caught my eye. The door to the trailer opened slowly, and Amethyst stuck her head out. I couldn’t believe my eyes; they’d been in there the entire time? Where had they been, hanging from the ceiling?

I leapt to my feet, looking wildly around for any sign of Tobias. I hadn’t really paid attention to where he’d gone after he’d locked me in the cage. I scanned the trees, looking for the muddy brown of his jumpsuit, and finally spotted him near the road. It was probably safe for the girls to make their escape, provided they did it fast.

So I stood up and waved my arms to get Amethyst’s attention. Her eyes snapped to me instantly and she ducked back into the trailer, probably to report my captive status. It would have been embarrassing if I hadn’t been so busy being impressed by how smart the girls were. They’d tricked both me and Tobias into thinking they’d run, and then they must have hidden somewhere in the trailer. I felt pretty cool by association.

The door opened wide, and the girls slipped out in quick succession, plastering themselves against the wall of the trailer and moving stealthily into the shadows. Their heads swiveled back and forth, scanning for danger. I pointed toward the spot where I’d last seen Tobias. He was working his way back toward us, his face pointed toward the ground. Hopefully, his tracking skills weren’t much better than mine. Otherwise the girls weren’t going to get far.

But instead of heading for the woods, the girls crouched down and made their way toward my cage. I nearly shouted at them to go away and realized only at the last minute what a bad idea that was. Tobias was crazy, but he wasn’t deaf.

“Are you okay?” demanded Europa once she was within earshot.

“I’m fine. Did you call the cops?” I hissed.

Amethyst started shaking her head about halfway through my sentence. “No landline. And we all left our cells in the cabin.”

I tried not to let my disappointment show on my face. If I was honest with myself, the only reason I hadn’t completely flipped out was because I’d assumed help was coming. Now I’d have to deal with the mad scientist myself, and that fact made me less than thrilled.

“All right. Then you’d better get out of here before he sees you.”

“No! We’ll free you, Clanlord.” Calamity’s face was white and pinched. I honestly expected her to try to rip the fence apart with her bare hands. Sure, if she’d really been a barbarian princess, this would have been a great idea. But she wasn’t a barbarian. She played the violin and got straight As, and her bedroom was all pink. I’d seen it once when we were studying for an algebra test.

“Charlotte,” I said, and she recoiled. I think it was the first time I’d used her real name since we’d started gaming together. “You guys have to get out of here before someone really gets hurt. This guy is crazy, and he’s got a gun. This isn’t a game. Do you understand?”

The girls hesitated. Europa’s lips wouldn’t stop quivering, and the tears on her face had nothing to do with taking a boot to the nose. Amethyst looked pale and nervous; she couldn’t stop twitching, and she gripped the chain link with bloodless fingers. But at least they were listening.

“Now go,” I ordered, handing my compass through the links of the fence. “Find the camp, or any civilization, really. And send help.”

Amethyst took a slow, reluctant step backward. She looked really strange, and it took me a moment to figure out what was wrong. The girl just didn’t look right without her wings. I made a mental vow to go back and get them when this was all over.

I felt like I should say something really witty to put the girls at ease, but I didn’t get a chance to think of anything good.

BLAM!

The ground near the girls’ feet exploded, pelting me with dirt. A nice big clod went right into my eye.

“Stay right where you are!” Tobias shrieked. He’d looked creepy before, but now he was totally unhinged. His eyes were wide and showed way too much white, like a skittish horse. I wasn’t sure what had made him suddenly start firing, but then, it’s not like this guy was Mr. Logic. He genetically engineered yeti and lived in a moldy old trailer. Not exactly the kind of lifestyle that inspires major confidence.

“Run!” I yelled as he advanced, reloading the rifle.

“Scramble!” Amethyst barked, and the girls reacted instantly, splitting off and sprinting for cover. If he did manage to reload before they got to safety, he’d have to pick a target instead of sighting them all at once.

Europa tripped over something on the ground—due to the grime inhabiting my eye socket, my vision was too blurry to identify the object—and went down. Calamity wasn’t even looking, but she seemed to sense that something was wrong. She slowed. Hesitated. Stopped.

Tobias slipped two shells into the chamber and flipped the rifle closed with a practiced hand. I didn’t want to watch, but I couldn’t tear my eyes away. Europa struggled to her feet, but now she was limping. There was no way she’d make it to the trees. Tobias put the gun to his shoulder. If he shot her right in front of me, I’d never be able to live with myself.

I rattled the cage, screaming, “Don’t you dare shoot her! Her name is Emily. She has a little brother and she likes Hello Kitty!”

The she-yeti seemed to pick up on my state of mind. She threw herself against the side of her cage and let out a howl that sounded like a pack of wolves mating with an air raid siren. Then she fell to the ground, jerking and shuddering. Stupid shock collar! I mentally added it to the list of things I wanted to tear apart with my bare hands.

“Shut up!” Tobias screamed, clapping his hands to his ears. I wasn’t sure if he was talking to me or to the voices in his head, but I didn’t care. I made as much noise as I could, hollering and banging the sides of my cage. I could hear noises in response—a coughing yowl, a shriek like a carrion bird, and a growl that rattled the ground—as the menagerie of creatures joined in the chorus and then were cut short as their collars zapped them.

The cage rattled under my fingers, and for a glorious second, I thought it was going to fall. But it didn’t.

All of this happened within moments, and when I looked back at Europa, I saw her slung over Calamity’s shoulders, fireman-style. She outweighed Calamity by at least twenty pounds, and the smaller girl staggered under the weight but refused to go down. They disappeared into the trees, their costumes melding into the undergrowth just like they were designed to.

Tears streamed down my face, obscuring my vision. I scrubbed at my eye furiously and only succeeded in making it sting more. I was beginning to think Tal’s costume should include a pair of safety goggles. If I survived, I would make that happen. And sure, I was scared, but I also felt this overwhelming sense of relief that at least the girls were okay.

Said sense of relief lasted about two seconds. Then Tobias shoved the barrel of his rifle under my nose.

“You,” he said.

“Me what?”

“You’ve ruined everything,” he snarled. “My buyer has insisted on absolute secrecy. Who do you work for?”

“Nobody!” I shrieked right in his face, and then I broke off panting. Losing my temper wasn’t going to help, and every minute he spent talking to me gave the girls time to escape. “Are you sure your buyer is even real? I mean, how do you find someone interested in buying yeti, anyway? eBay?”

“I tried that,” he muttered, “but their rules are so strict.”

“Look,” I said, trying to sound soothing, “you’re clearly a talented guy. I mean, look at these creatures! They’re so freaking awesome!” My voice cracked at the end there, and he looked at me funny.

“Thank you?” he replied, but he didn’t sound too sure. Like maybe I was up to something.

“But they’re really unhappy being caged up like this. Why don’t you let them go? There’s plenty of wilderness they could live in. And then you could get some help for your … you know. Problem?” I pointed to my ear.

If I made it out of this alive, I’d have to tell my guidance counselor to knock therapist off my list of potential professions, because I sucked at it. Tobias had actually started to nod when I brought up his imaginary friend, but then his face tightened and his brows drew down into their customary angry glower. He shouldered his rifle and stalked toward the trailer.

“You should give it up!” I yelled. “The girls will come back with the cops!”

“My buyers will be here within the hour,” he said. “We’ll be gone before the police arrive.” He turned to look at me. “I’ll leave you here in the cage for them to find. I’m not going to hurt you, and I wouldn’t have hurt those girls.”

The urge to argue with that was overwhelming—even warning shots can hit unintended targets, right? But it seemed silly to pick a fight when he had just offered me a get-out-of-metal-cage-free card. All I had to do was wait for a couple hours, and then someone would let me out and hopefully give me a Mountain Dew. I was parched.

So I just nodded and sat down. Tobias seemed to take that as approval; he took out a cell phone and made a call. I tried to listen so I could give the authorities as many details as possible, but he was speaking another language that sounded like he was hacking up fur balls mid-word. Listening was futile, so I made myself comfortable. Maybe I’d even take a nap.

I was feeling pretty good about the situation when I lay down. But then I came face to face with the he-yeti still curled up on the ground. Sure, this arrangement worked for me, provided Tobias delivered. But what would it mean for all the creatures?

Nothing good, if you asked me.

CHAPTER 8

A few minutes later, Tobias disappeared into the big building. I launched myself to my feet, ready for action. Too bad I didn’t know what to do. I racked my brain for something that might make a difference, but I had no resources in my cage, and neither of the yeti had been any help. It wasn’t like I could pick locks with my fingernails. Maybe Sir Tal could, but not me.

Still, how hard could picking locks be? High school dropouts did it all the time, right? I scanned the landscape for something useful.

The cage on my right was empty except for a metal box in the middle. The box was small, maybe a square foot, with a briefcase-style handle. I figured it was light enough that it would slide if only I could reach it. Maybe there was something I could use inside.

I took the twine out of my bandolier and rummaged through my gem collection until I found one of the heavier stones. I chose a bright pink one with a funky-looking flaw in the middle that I used to cast pretend luck spells in the LARP. I thought I could definitely use some luck right then.

I tied the stone to the end of the twine, threaded the twine through the chain link, and gave it an experimental swing. It wouldn’t do at all to let go of the end, so I pinched my fingers together so hard that the tips turned white. The gem dragged along the ground as I tried to hook it around the box handle. I figured if it wedged in there just right, I should be able to pull the box close enough to open it.

It took three tries, but finally I made it. This got me to the tricky part: pulling the case along the ground without dislodging the gem. I failed the first couple of tries and had to repeat the whole thing all over again, only this time with a sound track of words that would make my mom cluck her tongue if she ever heard me say them.

Finally, I got the case close enough to my cage to grab it. My hands were just small enough that I could fit my thumb or my fingers through, but not both at the same time. So it took a fair amount of fumbling before I could twist it around. Nothing on the outside indicated its contents or screamed “Hey! I could easily be repurposed as a lock pick!” But the case was only held closed with a pair of latches, so I refused to give up just yet. Maybe there would be a useful yeti-rescue tool inside.

I flipped the latches and threw open the lid. A glob of liquid shot out at me, landed on my bandolier, and began eating through the strap. I slammed the lid closed, and the bandolier fell to the ground. My tunic also sported a growing hole, and I didn’t want to know what would happen when the mystery liquid hit my skin. I quickly took off my shirt and tossed it to the ground too, just in case. I’d rather be a cold, scrawny guy with no shirt than a warm, covered corpse with a hole in its chest. Go figure.

A sane person would have left the box alone after that, and despite what my sister thought, I considered myself pretty sane. Maybe I lived in a fantasy world most of the time, but I knew it wasn’t real; I just had more fun there than I did in the real world. So I didn’t have a problem recognizing that whatever was in that box wasn’t good news. But I also hoped it could help me get out of this cage if only I could avoid getting aerated in the process. I hadn’t exactly pulled a Houdini yet, but it was the best lead I had.

First, I had to figure out exactly what I was dealing with. It might have been a trap, in which case I’d set it off when I’d opened the box and no other action was necessary. Or it could have been an alien, a chaos snake, a death wyrm, or slime. But I wasn’t sure how any of those things could fit in such a tiny box, and I wouldn’t be able to defeat one if I let it out and it decided to eat me. Maybe I could tame it and it would eat its way out of the box, and then I’d ride it to freedom. Which was so awesome that I could barely stand to think about it.

A wise man would have left the case alone and found another way. So of course I decided to open it again.

I’m not a total idiot, though. I averted my face and ducked my head behind my arm. Then I reached my fingers through the fence and carefully reopened the lid. As soon as it was in motion, I retreated to the opposite end of my cage, alert for stray globules of airborne acid.

For a moment just long enough for me to feel a little sheepish, nothing happened. Then I heard a high-pitched squeak and a little green creature about the size of my thumb launched itself into the air. It stopped about two feet from my face, and I pinched myself twice to make sure I wasn’t dreaming. Because even I found it tough to believe that a miniature emerald dragon was hovering hummingbird-style in the middle of my cage.

But I hadn’t been sleeping, so I had to believe that this was really happening.

A huge grin split my face. The dragon was tiny, with perfect leathery wings, glistening green scales, and a little sharp-toothed mouth. It darted to and fro, trying to decide whether it should dissolve my nose off my face. Even though I knew it could easily spit-fire a hole through my head, I couldn’t help myself. “Awww,” I cooed.

Apparently, the mini dragon realized that predators never go “Awww,” so I guess it decided I wasn’t a threat. It whizzed around my head, then buzzed through one of the gaps in the chain link. I watched as it flew directly toward the big building, pausing long enough to aim a blast of acid at the wall and then darting in through the hole it had made. After a moment of heart-pounding silence, Tobias started shrieking.

“No! Stop! Those records are irreplaceable! Get back here, you idiotic lizard!”

For once, I was pretty sure that he wasn’t talking to his imaginary friends. Clearly, the dragon was a little pissed about having been locked up in that box, and I couldn’t blame him.

But then I realized that I was still locked up in a cage, and it was more important than ever to get out. The dragon had provided the best distraction of all time, and I couldn’t let that go to waste.

I took the shredded remains of my shirt and wiped the acid onto the lock, but there wasn’t enough left to eat through the metal. The most I managed was a hiss and a wisp of smoke. The bandolier wasn’t much better, so I took a look at the inside of the box. The mini dragon would have tried to burn his way out, right? I figured the box must be made of some kind of acid-resistant metal. Sure enough, the insides were nice and goopy. I scooped some of the goo onto my shirt, burning the pad of my right index finger in the process, and smeared the acid onto the lock.

The metal hissed and smoked, weakening until I was able to pull it off. I couldn’t help it. I whooped out loud, and then clapped a hand over my mouth just in case Tobias had managed to catch the dragon and decided to come out and investigate the noise. When he didn’t show, I let myself out of the cage. It wasn’t like I’d been cramped in there, but it still felt so good to be able to walk more than four feet in any given direction. And I wasn’t half the size of the yeti either.

The she-yeti rattled the side of her cage, like she could hear my thoughts and was agreeing wholeheartedly. The thought of a psychic yeti was almost too much to take. My hands started shaking uncontrollably as I took out the lock on her door with another application of acid from my shirt. But when I stepped away from the opening, she just shook her head and pointed to her neck. I’d forgotten about the collar.

“Let me take a look,” I said.

She stooped obediently, and my heart sank. I’d been hoping for a snap or a button or something difficult to remove with claws. But this thing was literally welded onto her. No way was I going to get it off without dissolving it. I had enough acid, but it’s one thing to burn your way through a fence; it’s another thing entirely to pour acid on a yeti.

“I can try to take it off,” I said reluctantly, “but I don’t want to burn you.”

I meant it too. The tip of my finger was already starting to blister, and I’d only gotten a little smear of acid on it. I didn’t want to think about what would happen if I screwed up and wiped the toxic stuff all over the side of the yeti’s neck. But she just tossed her head disdainfully and dropped into a crouch. And really, I had to concede that it would be better to live with a chemical burn than to be trapped in a cage for the rest of your life. Maybe her fur would protect her.

My hands wouldn’t stop shaking, even when I let out a nice long breath. (This is why I’ve never role-played a monk; my meditative skills suck.) But I managed to get the collar off, along with a nice handful of fur. Now she looked like a leper yeti. I wasn’t about to tell her that, though, because I always tried to keep my manners even during a crisis.

As soon as the metal was free of her skin, the she-yeti turned from a nice, mild-mannered creature into a very big, very hairy instrument of destruction. Not that I could blame her; I’d only spent about a half hour in the cage and already I’d started feeling a little twitchy. The yeti stood up. And up. And up. In fact, she stood so vigorously that she took the ceiling off her cage with a screech and rattle of abused metal. Then she barreled out and began tearing into all the other cages.

I followed her into the he-yeti’s cage and removed his collar. He still didn’t move, and I knew it wasn’t because of those pitiful cuffs. I ran my hands through his coarse fur but couldn’t find anything wrong with him. He lifted his tired eyes to mine, and then I’d had it. I was about to stage a mass jailbreak of mythological creatures, and I wasn’t going to let some depressed yeti screw that up.

“Listen here,” I muttered, leaning down to speak right in his pointed ear. “You will get up and lead the rest of your buddies out of these cages, or I’ll kick your butt myself. And I’m half your size. You’ll never be able to live it down.”

He lifted his head and looked at me uncertainly.

“Trust me.” I offered a hand. “You don’t want to look like a wuss in front of your girlfriend. Girls hate that. And if you can avoid getting your head shoved into a toilet, it’s highly recommended.”

He chuffed at me and got awkwardly to his feet, ignoring my offer of help. And then he snapped his cuffs apart. They still circled his wrists, but I had bigger things to deal with. The commotion from inside the building had quieted, and I wasn’t sure if that meant Tobias was out of commission or he was about to come outside and start shooting. I figured I’d better be prepared for either possibility.

“All right,” I said to the yeti. “You go stand next to the door, and if that jerk comes out, clonk him. Don’t wait. Don’t give him an opportunity to dork with your head. Just do it. We’ll get everyone else out.”

The yeti lumbered over to stand next to the door, and not a moment too soon. Tobias came charging out, rifle first. You could take what I knew about firearms, write it on a postage stamp, and still have room, but even I knew you weren’t supposed to hold your rifle out in front of you like that. Someone could get hurt.

And someone did. That someone was Tobias, who took a yeti fist to the top of the head. I was about twenty feet away, but I could still see the whites of his eyes as they rolled back into his head.

“Awesome!” I gave the yeti two thumbs up, and he shuffled his feet like he didn’t know how to take a compliment. “Just keep an eye on him, okay, big guy?”

Then the she-yeti and I systematically released the liger, a unicorn with a glittery horn, a cockatrice about the size of a housecat, and an ill-tempered cerberus. The cerberus tried to bite off my right arm, my left foot, and my head all at the same time, until the she-yeti growled and it backed away.

“Is that everyone?” I asked. The she-yeti gestured toward the building where the dragon had disappeared. I nodded. Maybe I could train it not to spit fire and then my parents would let me keep it—how cool would that be? I’d name it Kate, because I had never missed an opportunity to mess with my sister, and I wasn’t about to start now.

I cautiously stepped over Tobias’s prone body and then realized that a nice guy would check to see if he was breathing. I was a nice guy, so I did, and he was. Then I stepped on his hand on my way inside because I may be nice, but I’m not a total pushover.

Inside was chaos. The building had probably been a lab at some point—I could see all kinds of machinery that would have made my future-doctor sister squeal with delight. Unfortunately, most of the machines were scattered all over the floor in bits and pieces. Tables were overturned and papers were flung all over the place. A can of Mountain Dew had spilled on the floor, and I practically got down on my hands and knees to lick up the sticky liquid. I was thirsty after all my adventuring.

About five feet from the spilled Mountain Dew was Kate the dragon. I didn’t have to get any closer to know that she was dead.

My poor dragon had been crushed under a paperweight shaped like a giant donut. I dropped to my knees and started to cry. Maybe that was a little wussy of me, but she didn’t have to die. She’d saved my life.

I was just wiping the snot off my face when the air exploded with howls and screeches. I scrambled to my feet, sprinted for the door, and promptly tripped over Tobias.

CHAPTER 9

From my spot facedown in the dirt, I watched as the clearing erupted into chaos. A semi trailer blocked the driveway, and a phalanx of guys in mirrored shades, black jackets, and uncomfortably tight uniform pants were battling with the mythological creatures. (And if a LARPer says someone’s pants are tight, that’s pretty bad.)

Part of me was astounded that Tobias hadn’t hallucinated his buyer, but I wasn’t all that surprised. The money for this operation had to come from somewhere. Most of what my sister told me went in one ear and out the other, but I still had a pretty good idea of how much the average scientific study cost. Tobias had to have sponsors with a lot of bank to pull off genetic engineering. And now those sponsors were attacking my new friends with shock sticks.

But the creatures were holding their own. As I watched, the liger pounced on a bad guy from behind. (He had shock-sticked himself, the idiot.) Both yeti were picking up random villains and tossing them into the trees. It was working really well until the she-yeti got mobbed by four guys at once and went down. The he-yeti waded into the fray to save her.

The unicorn was dancing around just out of reach of a pair of evil twins. She was faster than both of them put together. I couldn’t see the cockatrice anywhere, but the cerberus was gnawing on two different guys at the same time while the third head kept a lookout.

One guy, however, was heading right toward me. Part of me wanted to lie there and play dead. It would be the smart thing to do, after all. Sir Tal always said that it was stupid to enter a battle you couldn’t win. Much better to retreat and live to fight the next one. But I was tired of trying to be like him. I was Jonah Grable, and I was pissed that these guys thought it was okay to cage all these fantastical creatures that the rest of us only got to dream about. I wasn’t going to let them get away with it.

So I swallowed the lump of fear in my throat and rushed him.

The guy hadn’t really expected that kind of reaction from a scrawny kid like me. He was too busy watching over his shoulder for a random mythological creature attack. So I took him totally by surprise, knocking him to the ground. Then I wrenched the shock stick from his hand and whacked him with it. He went limp.

“Yeah!” I shouted, jumping to my feet and pumping my fist. “How you like them apples?”

The assorted creatures stopped and stared at me like I’d lost my mind, but I didn’t care. I just grinned at them proudly. We had won the battle.

#

It took about a half hour to put the bad guys in the semi and lock the doors behind them. I’d searched Tobias’s pockets for the cell I’d seen him use earlier with no luck, so I figured I’d head back to the camp. I was certain the girls had already contacted the cops; I just knew they’d come through.

“Let’s get out of here,” I said to the menagerie of beasties. “We’ll make sure these guys never cage yeti again. Or … uh … the rest of you.”

I wanted to ride the liger, because when was I ever going to get a chance to do that again? But every time I took a step toward it, it shied away. So I ended up clambering onto the back of the sparkly unicorn. So emasculating.

The yeti led the way; they seemed to have an unerring sense of direction. So that’s how I found myself on the back of a unicorn, following a pair of hand-holding yeti and flanked by a liger and a cerberus. I still hadn’t seen the cockatrice, but when I’d asked the she-yeti about it, she’d pointed to a random bush, so I assumed it was just one of those super-stealthy cockatrices. Maybe in a cockatrice world, it would be like a ranger cockatrice or something. Which would be awesome. As if this hadn’t already been the most awesome day of my life.

We got back to the Scout camp way too fast; I wanted to stay in this parade forever. But I had to admit that I was chilly without my shirt, and it was way past lunchtime. I needed a Dew before the caffeine headache made it completely impossible for me to function. It was time to return to the real world, if that was even possible when traveling in this company.

We stopped at the edge of the clearing and watched as the girls argued with one of the apathetic chaperones. Either the guy didn’t care that I was missing or he hadn’t caught that bit yet, because all three girls kept talking at the same time. The fact that they brought up monsters probably didn’t help; if I’d been him, I probably would have assumed this was some gaming thing too.

I eyed the liger again, and it returned an unblinking topaz gaze. I didn’t need the power of telepathy to get the message. No way was I riding it.

Well, fine. I’d make my shirtless entrance on the back of a unicorn, and what I’d lose in guy points, I’d make up with the rest of the entourage. I sat as straight as I could and tried to puff out my chest a little; my weightlifting regimen hadn’t started to take effect yet. But just as I got ready to order the animals forward, I stopped.

The herd was watching me intently. I knew they’d follow me wherever I went, because I’d promised them safety. It would be so awesome to charge into the camp with them, do all the news interviews, and be known as That Creature Guy. I wouldn’t be just another freshman gamer geek ever again. I had this great mental picture of me sweeping into the camp with a menagerie of mythical creatures. Everyone would be astounded, and I would sweep the nearest girl into a kiss. Except that there were three girls and I couldn’t kiss all three of them, so how was I going to handle that?

It was pretty ridiculous, but I had to admit it: I could handle mad scientists and their flunkies, but I couldn’t manage to sort out my feelings about a trio of girls. (And that was without bringing Kiki into the equation.) Each one of them brought something to the table. Europa was sweet, Calamity was dangerous, and Amethyst was smart. And those labels didn’t even begin to scratch the surface.

I couldn’t work out my feelings about them, because I cared about all of them. And if I couldn’t choose, I had to let them go. Just like the menagerie. It was the honorable thing to do.

It took every ounce of willpower I had, but I slid off the back of the unicorn. The she-yeti shuffled uncertainly. The cerberus nosed at my pant leg.

I turned to face the animals. “You shouldn’t come into the camp,” I said. “They’ll just cage you again. They’ll say it’s for your own protection, and they’ll give you fancier accommodations, but it’ll still be a cage. You’ll never be free if you come with me.”

The unicorn nuzzled my shoulder, and I petted her silky nose.

“Can you hunt?” I looked around the circle. “There’s plenty of land out here. This forest is big enough that you could go unnoticed if you’re careful, but I need to know that you’re going to be okay. I’m not sure how often I can get out here until I get my driver’s license.”

The he-yeti whuffed in my direction, nodding and urging me forward as if to say not to worry. But of course I was worried. They were my responsibility now, weren’t they? Was I just wussing out, or was I doing the right thing?

Sir Tal would say to follow my heart. So I clapped the yeti on their shoulders, scratched the heads of the cerberus, patted the unicorn one last time, and kept my hands off the liger because he wouldn’t let me touch him anyway. And then I turned my back on them. I’d come to check on them as often as I could, but I’d never tell a soul about them. I’d report the bad guys, of course, but as far as I was concerned, they’d been doing all their illegal testing on dogs. The kind with one head.

“Bye,” I said. “I’ll miss you guys.”

I didn’t need to be That Creature Guy. Part of being a hero is not bragging about the stuff you’ve done. I knew, and that was enough. And the girls knew too. Really, three girls were too much to handle, so it was probably for the best.

I made my way out of the underbrush and into the edges of Nightdark Camp. Behind me, I heard the faint cracking of branches as the menagerie rolled out. In a few seconds the animals were gone. My eyes welled up a little and it took me a minute to collect myself, but finally I did.

“Hey, guys!” I called. “I’m back! Those Apples tried to cage me, but I used my dragon’s-breath potion, and … it was the awesomest thing I think I’ve ever done.” I sighed happily as the girls rushed to smother me in hugs, squealing.

What can I say? Girls love a hero.

Carrie Harris is a geek-of-all-trades and proud of it. She’s always been a bit of a brain, so she wrote a zombie book—Bad Taste in Boys. And she has hair, so she wrote a werewolf book next—Bad Hair Day. Luckily, she won’t be running out of body parts anytime soon. Carrie lives in Michigan with her ninja-doctor husband and three monster-obsessed children. Learn more about her at carrieharrisbooks.com.