Fashionably Dead in Diapers
Author: Robyn Peterman
Date: 2015-02-14 05:00:00+00:00
Keywords: Paranormal; Vampires; Romance; Paranormal Romance; Fantasy; Demons; Humor; Fae; Magic; Angels
Description: And I thought being half Vampyre/half Demon was hard…That’s nothing compared to being a mother. Sweet baby Moses in a boob tube, there aren’t any books on raising True Immortals so let me give you a few tips… ~Make a map of every closet and bathroom in your home if you enjoy having sex. Sleep deprivation can cause confusion and a map will help if you only have seven minutes and thirty-one seconds. You’re welcome. ~Parenting books are useless if you're not human. If your child is half Vampyre/ half Demon I would suggest not using parenting books at all--they can backfire like a mother humper. T
Publisher: Smashwords

Table of Contents

Cover

Title

Edition License Notes

Dedication

Acknowledgements

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Epilogue

Fashionably Dead in Diapers

Book 4 of the HOT DAMNED Series

By

Robyn Peterman

* * * * *

Copyright 2014 by Robyn Peterman

Cover by Rebecca Poole, dreams2media

Edited by Mary Yakovets

Edition License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be resold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person you share it with. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then you should delete it from your device and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the author's work.

This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, businesses, companies, events, or locales is coincidental.

This book contains content that may not be suitable for young readers 17 and under.

Dedication

This one is for my babies, Henry and Audrey. Nope, you can't read Mom's books yet, but eventually I will let you (like when you're 30-ish). You two are my reason for doing everything that is worthwhile and good. Thank you for being mine.

Acknowledgements

Writing a book is a solitary process, but that is only part of what it takes to put a book out. I am a very lucky girl and I have wonderful people around me.

First of all, Donna McDonald—you are my Mystery Science Theater partner and I would be a mess without you. Thank you. You have no clue how much you mean to me.

Mary Yakovets, your editing has saved me from myself too many times to count. You rock.

Rebecca Poole, your covers are perfect. You have crawled inside my brain. This is very brave of you and I am so very grateful.

My beta readers, Melissa, Christie and Kellie, your insight is invaluable. I am indebted.

My Pimpettes, you make life so much fun and your dedication humbles me. Smooch.

I’d be dead in the water without my critique partners, Donna and Kris. I will walk through fire for you.

And my family. You make all of this worth it. Thank you for understanding that I talk to imaginary people and for being quiet when I write. Without you, life wouldn’t be any fun at all.

Chapter 1

Once upon a time there was a little boy. He was like no other. His power knew no bounds and he was destined for greatness. However, he had to get through teething and diapers first.

“Ethan, come here. He looks wasted.”

I sighed with joy as I caressed the beautiful baby at my breast. He looked up at me with lazy eyes and a milk-drunk grin. My heart clenched. His little fangs peeked through his full pink lips and I was relieved he knew better than to chomp down on my boob—those fangs were sharp little suckers. My baby was freakin’ brilliant and he was mine. I pinched myself constantly to make sure this was all real.

“I love you so much it hurts,” I whispered as I buried my face in the wisps of curly blond hair on his head. Samuel had grown much faster than a regular child. It was as alarming as it was fascinating. At the rate he was going, he’d be a toddler in a month.

Our bedroom suite at the Cressida House had been turned into a massive nursery—complete with a crib, mobiles, playpens and more stuffed animals than I knew existed. There was also a large pile of nylon dog bones. It was the only thing that he could chew and not destroy in thirty-three seconds—it took him at least a half hour. I felt a little unsettled about giving my child canine toys, but I figured whatever worked was okay. It was better than him chewing on the furniture. The loss of two couches and a seven hundred year old priceless coffee table made me search out an alternative method for him to relieve the pain of teething—hence the truckload of dog bones. However, whenever someone inquired about the neon green and purple toys, I lied and told them we'd gotten a pet Hell Hound for Samuel.

“He’s a smart boy,” Ethan said quietly as he took in the scene. “I’d stay at that breast for eternity if I could.”

“You’re a pig.” I grinned with delight at my mate as my insides tingled at the thought of him near my breast or any of my private parts. Having Sammy had put a bit of a crimp in our over-active sex life and I was ready for that to be rectified.

“Actually, I’m a Master Vampyre and a Prince, but pig will do for the moment.” He winked, which made me want to jump him, but the precious child in my arms put a stop to that.

I mumbled grumpily as I watched him walk away.

"Silly, silly—pretty lady, I hate fucking naps. Asswaffle, shit-monster, Jesus in booty shorts. Boobies, boobies, boobies."

"What did you just say?" I hissed at Ethan. My eyes narrowed and I put Samuel down on the bed.

"I'm fairly sure I just gave you permission to call me a pig. A rare first for me," Ethan said as he sauntered back in and tried to cop a feel.

Not happening.

"That is not what you said." I crossed my arms over my naked chest and gave him the stink eye. My temper had been short lately, most likely due to not getting laid…but calling me names was not working for me. "You called me an asswaffle shit-monster!" I snapped.

"I beg your pardon," Ethan said as he bit down on his lip to stifle his grin. "I most certainly did not."

"You most certainly did," I shot back as I yanked a tank top over my head. "Along with saying my Cousin Jesus wears booty shorts and then calling my knockers boobies—three times."

"Interesting," he commented as he plopped down on the bed and wrapped Samuel in his strong embrace. The baby cuddled up to his father and cooed as he grabbed a fistful of Ethan's hair and shoved a chubby thumb into his mouth.

If I wasn't so pissed I would have joined the two men I loved more than anything in the world, but I wasn't done yet.

"Did I say anything else?" he inquired casually.

"As if you didn't know." I rolled my eyes and got up in his perfectly gorgeous face. "You said you hate fucking naps…Oh shitballs," I shrieked and slapped my hands over my mouth. "Impossible. No fucking way."

We both stared at Samuel. Ethan was thoroughly amused and I was horrified. My perfect little three month old son glanced up and winked. If I could have hurled I would have. However, Vampyres can't puke.

"Ohmygodohmygodohmygod, I am an unfit mother," I shouted as I paced the room frantically. "I give my son dog bones and he already curses like a fucking sailor. Vampyre- Demon social services will take him away. We have to get out of town and you have to watch your language around him. Do we have duct tape?" I demanded.

"I'm sure we can find some," Ethan said as he watched me race around the room like a lunatic.

"That's good. I need to strap my mouth shut for about a year and then everything will work out fine. Samuel," I said sternly. "You just said some really shitty words. We do not fucking speak like that in this house. Do you understand Mommy?"

Samuel giggled hysterically and flipped me off.

"Sweet Baby Jesus in a thong," I screeched. "Where did he learn that?"

"Gamma Gigi," a sweet voice bounced through my head. Ethan sat up with a look of utter shock on his face.

"Did you hear that?" I demanded as he stared at his son.

"I did," he said reverently. "Amazing."

"It's not amazing. It's bad. Very bad. He's three months old. He's the size of a nine month old according to those dumb-ass human baby books and he can flip the bird. What is amazing about that?"

Sparks began to fly from my fingertips and my hair began to float around my head. This was so not happening.

"This is a fine excuse to forbid your grandmother from coming to visit him anymore," Ethan volunteered logically.

That gave me pause. Maybe this wasn't all my fault. My crazy ass family had been around constantly. Uncle Satan. Pam aka my guardian angel. Mother Nature aka Grandma Gigi. My cousins, the Seven Deadly Sins. Son of a bitch—I was an unfit mother. No child should hang out with Satan on a daily basis. I mean he was fun and all, but he was still the Devil.

"We're having a meeting," I said as I shoved all the dog bones under the bed. "Every last one of them is going to sit here and listen to the new fucking rules. No more swearing or bird flipping." I froze. "Do you think the Baby Demons took him to a strip club?"

My stomach dropped to my toes. I didn't deserve this child. We were the most dysfunctional lot imaginable. He would be better off with normal parents who didn't swear, fly and destroy cities with the flick of a finger.

"I'm going to lay down the law and if anyone disagrees, I'll tear their head off or at the very least maim them thoroughly."

"You're not serious," Ethan said. A look of horror marred his ridiculously handsome features. "That will be a clusterfuck of epic proportions."

"Clusterfuckclusterfuckclusterfuck," Samuel gleefully bellowed in our heads.

My eyes narrowed dangerously at my mate and my son.

"Fine." Ethan sighed dramatically. "But get ready for life to be over as we know it."

"First of all, we're already dead, so that part of the argument doesn't work, Little Mister Master Vampyre. And if we keep going at the rate we're traveling, we'll have a depraved convict with absolutely no morals on our hands."

Samuel pulled his wet thumb from his mouth with a pop and grinned. "Bite me, assjacket!" he yelled at his father in an adorable voice that was no longer confined to our heads. It was loud and clear and I had to bite down on my cheek to keep from laughing. Of course the laughter died a violent death in my throat as my perfect son wiggled his chunky fingers and set the curtains on fire.

"Call everyone. Now," Ethan ground out as he gently laid the fire starter on the bed and doused the flames with magic. "We have a bit of a problem on our hands."

Chapter 2

The little boy was precious to his parents and ohhhh so very smart. So smart he tended to get his way without his overprotective parents even knowing what happened…If this has occurred at your house, try a time out. When that fails (and believe us, it will) bring in back up.

"So are they're all coming?" Ethan asked warily. He ran his hands through his thick blond hair as he paced his office in agitation.

"I think so." I muttered as I paced right behind him, nervously touching each piece of furniture and priceless knickknack I passed. "Have they ever all been in a room together?"

"Yes."

"Well then, how bad can this be?" I gripped Ethan's hand in excited relief. If they'd done it before this would be a piece of cake.

"It was in 79 AD," he said as he waited for my reaction with raised eyebrows.

"Is that supposed to be significant to me?" I demanded with a pit the size of a bowling ball growing rapidly in my stomach. "I skipped ancient freakin' history in high school to window shop and I majored in art in college."

Ethan slowly sat down on the couch with an expression I couldn't decipher. This was either going to be hilarious or nauseating.

"There was a picnic in Pompeii…"

"Fuck." Not even remotely funny.

"Exactly. Of course I wasn't there, but the story is quite colorful. Your uncles, God and Satan, got in a fistfight over Eve who was still with Adam at that point. No one liked the cake Mother Nature brought. Your grandfather didn't realize Mother Nature—his wife—would be there and brought a few girlfriends. The Seven Deadly Sins were PMSing. The Angels of Light and Death were determined to kill each other. However, your Cousin Jesus and The Kev simply watched. So there you have the truth behind the destruction of Pompeii," Ethan explained logically as he shuddered.

"Mount Vesuvius had nothing to do with it?" I choked out. The bowling ball was now lodged in my esophagus.

"That was just a cover," he replied.

"Fuckityfuckfuckshitballsfuck. Why can't I have a normal family?" I shouted.

This was bad. We didn't even live in the vicinity of a volcano if we needed to cover up any mass destruction. We were in Kentucky. We didn't have a conveniently exploding mountain nearby. This was such a clusterfuck waiting to happen. Maybe I would talk to them individually…or have the meeting in Purgatory. No one would miss Purgatory if it blew up. It was boring and smelled funky.

"Astrid, your family is normal—considering."

"Considering what?"

"Considering they're all immortal and certifiably insane."

"Not helping," I muttered. "Wait." I jerked to a halt as my ass started buzzing. Why in the Hell was my ass buzzing? "Oh my Hades," I shrieked. "My butt is vibrating."

"Your phone is in your pocket," Ethan informed me as he did his best not to laugh.

"I knew that," I hissed as I yanked it out, practically removing the pocket of my cute Prada jeans in case he was wrong and it was a bomb. "I have a text."

I quickly scanned the message and squealed with joy.

"We're not going to be homeless and Kentucky will not be wiped off the map of the United States. God and Jesus can't make it and the Seven Deadly Sins won't be here either. They have to do community service on a chain gang in Oklahoma for something to do with streaking and money laundering—like that makes any sense."

I rolled my eyes and dropped down on the leather couch in relief.

"Nothing your cousins do make sense. However, at the moment I'm quite grateful for that," Ethan said as he stood and gently covered a sleeping Samuel who was oblivious to the impending drama. We had placed cribs in every room in the compound. It was crazy, but wildly convenient.

"It seemed like such a good idea—now I'm not so sure," I whispered as I leaned into the crib and sniffed my son's curls. He smelled like sunshine and wind—he was perfect.

"Normally I'd agree with you, but after our boy conjured up a zoo in the foyer complete with elephants, lions, and wild boar…I'm thinking we need to lay down a few laws."

That had been a fucking bloodbath.

"Not to mention the five alarm fire he set in the nursery or the puppet show of thirty stuffed animals that he brought to life," I added as I pressed my fingers to the bridge of my nose to ward off the memory of having to kill the stuffed teddy bears and blue giraffes that were trying to escape the house and terrorize the human world.

"Yes, there is that," Ethan said as he stared at the holes in the ceiling that the stuffed dragons had made before we snuffed them out. "So tomorrow is the big day?"

"Yep. Tomorrow at noon."

"We're going out," Ethan announced in his I'm the boss of everyone tone.

"No, we're not," I snapped. "It might not be my entire family in attendance tomorrow, but we still can't guarantee we'll have a standing house after the get together. I think we should stay in, play with the baby, and make sure he doesn't conjure up a Demon from the Basement of Hell or something worse. Besides, we don't have a babysitter."

My beautiful mate shook his head in frustration. "We have enough babysitters to make the Guinness Book of World Records. You just have to pick one."

"And how exactly am I supposed to do that? We could very likely come home to our child speaking in tongues or making the Sailors Hall of Fame for filthy fucking language."

Ethan's eyebrow shot up and I swear it touched his hairline.

"Fine," I huffed, knowing full well I was a large part of the potty mouth problem. "Filthy freakin' language. Better?"

"Much." He chuckled as he grabbed me and buried his face in my neck. "If I don't get you alone soon our son will get a graphic lesson in sex education. I do believe we've already done enough damage without adding that."

"This is true," I said as my body perked up…well, mostly my nipples, my lady-bits and my imagination. "Where will we go?"

"Honestly, I don't care as long as there is no one within several miles so we won't be heard or interrupted."

I laughed and let my head fall back onto his strong chest. Ethan's hands tightened around my waist and his very happy and underused manly part pressed into my back. I moved away, much to both of our disappointment, but my brain didn't work well when he was too close.

"The Baby Demons are a huge no," I said as I mulled over the babysitter choices and silently promised my inner hooker she could come out and play soon. "I'm sure they taught Sammy about boobies. Satan and Mother Nature are also a no-go for obvious reasons. What about Heathcliff and Cathy?" I asked my other half, thinking about my distantly related Vampyre cousins.

"They're in Rome with their father searching for some priceless Vampyre Scrolls that have gone missing," Ethan said tightly.

"Who stole them?" I asked, happily wanting to hear about a problem I didn't cause and had nothing to do with.

"No clue, but we will find out. What about Paris Hilton or Dixie?" he asked as he advanced on me with a smirk that made my panties wet.

"Nope. They're in New York. Dixie wanted to see more of the country. She and Hayden took Janet, Carl and Myrtle with them too. Carl wants to perform on Broadway."

Not much rendered my mate silent, but this did. Carl, Janet and Myrtle were Demons. Carl was a hairy dude who enjoyed breakdancing and killing things. He also had a whopper of a lisp. His mate Janet was a doll who also was somewhat murderous and Myrtle was nuts. Not to mention Paris Hilton, my Vampyre buddy, could hold her own in Crazy-town. My beautiful cousin Dixie and her Angel of Death mate, Hayden, were going to have their hands full.

"Pam and my father?" he asked with his eyes closed. I was sure he was trying to erase Carl's performances from his head.

"They're in Africa straightening up some kind of Vamp and Angel mess down there."

"The Kev and Gemma?" Ethan was getting desperate. He'd adjusted himself in his jeans several times and his golden eyes had turned a sparkling green. My man wanted me bad.

I grinned and nodded. "That works for me."

"Sammy want Marfa and Jane," our little one yelled from his crib followed by a giggle that made my heart melt.

"Um, no, little man. Martha and Jane are…" I struggled for a word that meant crazy mother fucking cow asswankers without any swear words in it. Nothing came to mind.

Martha and Jane were old nasty bats. They had recently been turned into Vampyres when I had a very shortsighted moment of weakness. Some would call it compassion. I would label it a massive FUBAR blunder. They had been the bane of my existence for years when I was a human and taught art lessons at the Senior Center. However, when I saw them laying on the floor, bleeding out and dying from an attack by Rogue Demons, I let my compassion and inner-masochist out and had them turned into Vampyres. My reward was having to live with them for the rest of my very long life.

"Martha and Jane are very…you know…ummm." How could I word ass-munching bottom feeders so it wouldn't be offensive?

"Busy." Ethan saved me from God only knew what wanted to come flying from my mouth.

"Pweese, Mommy and Daddy? Me want Marfa and Jane. They funny," Sammy begged.

Motherhumpin' cowballs. How could I make this work? Holy Hell, he said pweese.

"How about Martha and Jane and The Kev and Gemma?" Ethan compromised.

Hmm, that was good, but it was still only two against two. I needed to outnumber the old buttwankers to feel comfortable. "And Venus," I added quickly.

Venus could kick their asses. The Kev and Gemma could too, but Venus would thoroughly enjoy it. Old Martha and Jane had highly offended my Vampyre BFF with their repeated references to her being Afro American. Not only were they grossly politically incorrect, they were stupid. Their sheer delight at drawing money from their pensions was repugnant when they knew the chances of them dying were slim. I was hoping they'd end up in the pokey for a few years.

I had learned recently that Vampyres had intricate systems for handling money. Every seventy-five years or so we had to obtain new Social Security cards and basically become a relative of ourselves. Slight name changes were necessary, but Vamps rarely used the new name unless they were dealing with humans. I stumbled upon this when I realized Ethan's driver’s license belonged to a man named Edwin. I patiently explained to him that I wouldn't play hide the salami or mechanical bull hump-fest with someone named Edwin. He promptly had his legal name changed back to Ethan.

There were several immortal banks, but they were run by Demons. Even being half Demon, I wouldn't let those bastards guard my lunch money. Hence, I would have to change my identity in about fifty years and keep my savings in a mortal bank. I had half a century to come up with a name for myself that wouldn't make me laugh.

"Do you think five babysitters will be sufficient?" Ethan inquired sardonically.

"No, but I'm willing to leave the compound without panties if we can make that happen."

"I'm on it," he said as he quickly began texting our gaggle of sitters.

"Me call Jane and Marfa," Samuel said as he bounced in his crib.

"Okay, little man, you do that. That will save Daddy some time and an eardrum." I giggled at my son's imagination until the old abominations appeared in a tangled heap on the floor at my feet. "What the fu…?" I screeched as I jumped back.

If I wasn't dead already, the sight of Martha and Jane in purple yoga pants with matching sequined boob tubes and brown orthopedics would have killed me violently. Not to mention the elastic wasn't working well and two of their torpedo tits were staring up at me. Glancing over at Ethan, I noticed he was staring at the ceiling and wincing in pain.

"Well, if it's not Boobs McGee," Martha grunted as she dragged herself and Jane to a standing position. They only stood about four foot eleven, but they were scary.

"My name is Astrid," I snapped. "Tuck those hanging sacks of wrinkly flesh back into your unfortunate fashion disasters. Immediately. How did you get here?" I demanded.

"Not a clue, Knockers McHooterland," Jane grumbled as she shoved her boob back into her tube. "I heard little Sammy's voice in my head and next thing I knew I was staring at your inflated melons."

"Her funbags do look larger," Martha said to Jane as they stared at my chest.

"I'm nursing, Shit for Brains," I hissed at them.

"Shit for Brains," Sammy shouted gleefully.

"Oh my hell," I moaned as the old geezers whipped their heads to Sammy in shock.

"He talks?" Jane asked.

"Yes, he talks. Hallway. Now." I pointed at the door and then followed the nasty ancient bags as they shuffled out of the room.

"So I see your Gerber Servers grew," Martha said as she hiked up her boob tube somewhere in the vicinity of her neck.

"What did you just call my girls?" My eyes narrowed and I bit down on my cheek to hold back my laugh. I refused to let on that they had made a good one.

She chuckled and pointed a bony finger at my chest. "Well, I could have said Super Big Gulps or Milk Jugs, but I went with…"

"I heard you," I snapped, realizing this could go on for hours. "Your obsession with my rack borders on lesbianism." Their indignant gasps made me grin. "However, I wouldn't want to give an entire group of lovely people a horrific name by adding you to it. I prefer to think of you both as asexual and firmly believe you were hatched by aliens—who then ate each other after they took a good look at the two of you."

"Well, I've never," Jane grumbled as I watched Martha try to figure out what I just said.

"Yes, you have. Now here's the deal. I don't want you here, but my son does. If I wasn't horny you two wouldn't be allowed to set a foot in my home. As you heard, Sammy speaks now so anything you say can and will be held against you when he repeats it to me. I'm talking I will remove your arms and legs. They will take at least six months to grow back due to your Vampyre age, not to mention you were both eighty-nine when I mistakenly had you turned. Are we clear?" I asked as I watched them closely.

"We will defend your child with our lives," Martha grunted as she puffed out her skinny chest and looked me in the eye. "I will kill the mother-fuck out of anything that looks at that beautiful boy sideways. Then I will skin it and suck all the blood out of it unless it's a Troll. Trolls taste like ass. We tried two of the randy bastards just to make sure and we will not be imbibing Troll again any time soon," Martha explained solemnly as Jane nodded in agreement.

"Um…" I tried to stop her, but she was on a roll.

"After I skin the assjacket and drain it…unless it's a fucking Troll…I will snap all the bones and shove them up their dead ass carcass."

"I enjoy shoving the bad guy's entrails down his throat before he's dead to watch him choke," Jane added unhelpfully. "I love that child even though he entered the world through your vagina. That was just the luck of the draw and he lost. We do not hold that against him and we will kill the shit out of anything that wants to harm him."

"Good to know," I croaked, trying not to gag and run. "However, that was entirely too much information and you almost made me puke, which is an impossibility for a Vampyre. Congrats."

"You're welcome." Jane preened and Martha smirked.

"Can you actually do any of that?" I asked, not wanting the answer but needing to make sure they could really defend my child.

"Ask the Trolls," Jane whispered as she gave me the thumbs up sign.

"And the Zombies," Martha added as she winked six or seven times, which made her look like she had an alarming tic. "They taste worse than ass, by the way."

"I got nothing," I muttered as I made my way back into the office where my mate and child thankfully had heard none of the fucked up conversation I'd just had. I was unaware Trolls and Zombies even existed. "Because you're insane and look like sparkling grapes that got run over by a Mack truck, I'm also having The Kev, Gemma and Venus help out tonight."

"The Afro American Vampyre?" Martha inquired.

I considered telling her for the umpteenth time how offensive that term was but refrained. First of all it wouldn't help. Plus, I was hoping Venus would kick their skinny, boney asses…or at least wash their mouths out with dish soap or lye. Maybe she'd remove their tongues—I wondered how long it would take a tongue to grow back. I'd have to ask Ethan later.

"Yep, that's her," I said and rolled my eyes.

"And the Fairy with his beard?" Jane asked.

"The Kev doesn't have a beard," I said as I picked up Sammy and began the short trek to his nursery.

"Your friend Gemma is his beard. He's as gay as a blade," she informed me.

"Gay as Mr. Brady from The Brady Bunch," Martha joined in.

"Homosexual as Doogie Howser."

“Faggy as “Benny and the Jets”."

"Or “Rocket Man”."

"Or Johnny Mathis."

"Oh my Uncle God," I shouted. "Shut the hell up or you have to leave. The Kev is not gay and Gemma is not a beard. He could turn you to dust with his eyes shut…so, um, go ahead and tell him what you think," I stuttered.

I was feeling only a little bad that I may get home after having at least fourteen orgasms with Ethan to learn Martha and Jane were no more.

"And what the hell has happened to you two idiots?" I demanded as I put Sammy in his exersaucer and handed him a dog bone to chew on. "You used to be rabid conservative Christians."

"We still are," Jane informed me proudly. "I'd pop Mitch McConnell's cherry so fast it would make your head spin."

I grabbed the side of the excersaucer so I didn't collapse in a fit of hysterics.

"I'm leaving," Ethan mumbled as he hightailed it out of the room. "Don't leave any blood when you kill them."

"Got it," I said.

"We've just become a little less uptight," Jane supplemented the heinous discussion we were having. "I'd do George W. in a heartbeat."

"You don't have a heart," I reminded her. "You’re a Vampyre."

"Yes, well," she agreed. "He's married to Laura and she's a babe with wonderful cantaloupes. So he's safe unless she croaks first."

"I'm getting glasses like Sarah Palin," Martha said.

Should I really leave my child with them? Probably not, but the way they were now cooing over him and making him giggle by tackling each other and making raspberry sounds with their mouths—I hoped—calmed me some.

"You two are not in charge and neither is Sammy. Whatever The Kev, Gemma or Venus says goes. Got it?"

"Yes," they grumbled.

"They'll be here in a minute and then I'm going to get laid. Can you douse fires and deal with wild animals?"

"Piece of cake," Martha bragged. "Just ask the Gnomes."

"Gnomes?" How in the Hell did I not know Gnomes were real?

"Taste like old poop and brussel sprouts," Jane said very seriously.

There was so much wrong with that statement I was speechless. Firstly, why did she know what old poop tasted like?

"What in the Sam Fucking Hill?" Martha screeched as she and Jane dropped to the floor in terror.

I ducked and smiled as a gust of delicious wind engulfed the room.

"Krumecaca," The Kev shouted as he and Gemma and Venus appeared in a blast of silver and pink glitter mist. "I am so excited to babysit my godchild!"

I turned to hug my friends and stopped short. "Really, The Kev? Really?" I was floored. He no longer looked like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Nope, he had now taken on the features of David Hasselhoff. He couldn't use his real body and face. His true beauty was blinding and it was almost impossible to look at him, but the Knight Rider? His taste was, as usual, appalling.

"You like?" he bellowed as he picked up Samuel and tossed a wildly happy child in the air.

"Um, no, but it doesn't matter what I think as long as Gemma's good with it." I laughed and shrugged.

"My man turns off the Hasselhoff when we're alone." Gemma grinned and waggled her eyebrows.

She was stunning, even more so than when she was simply human. My BFF since I was little was the Queen of the Fairies and the mate of The Kev. Their adoration for each other was almost sickening and if I wasn't so hung up on my own man, I'd be jealous.

"When are you guys going back to kooky-ass Fairyland to claim your throne?" I asked as I locked up all the stuffed animals I hadn't had to kill the other night.

"Little issue there," Gemma said as she planted kisses all over Sammy. "Seems the good Fairies of Xanthia want me dead. The Fairies no like-ee surprises and apparently I'm a big one."

"It will be fine," The Kev said quietly. Subdued was not in his playbook and I looked over in alarm. He shook his head at me and I held my tongue. He and I would be talking soon. I would not let my sister from another mister walk into a bloodbath no matter what was expected of her.

"Penus," Sammy yelled and pointed at a giggling Venus.

"Shit." I shrugged and laughed. "V's are hard."

"Shitshitshitshitshitshit!" Sammy squealed, much to my chagrin.

"Gotta watch your language," I muttered. If I could still blush, I'd be a tomato. "He's a repeater."

"I'll go with Penus," Venus said, still giggling.

"That works for me," Jane announced.

The grin disappeared from Venus' face so quickly even I jumped back. She advanced on Martha and Jane as they shrank in terror. It was all kinds of awesome. "You will call me Venus or I will tie you in a knot like a pretzel. It will not be remotely enjoyable and I will leave you in this configuration for at least a month…possibly two. You got that?" she snarled.

"Yep," a very nervous Jane mumbled as Martha nodded vigorously beside her.

"Alright then, hand me that baby, Gemma. I haven't seen his gorgeous face in two days," Venus said as she snuggled the light of my life.

I felt fine. Actually, I felt good. I realized I wasn't nervous about leaving Sammy. Part of me didn't want to go because I feared missing something. With his bizarrely rapid growth rate, he could be a teenager by the time I got home this evening. However, I was horny—not a little horny. A lot horny. Like I would explode if I didn't get laid soon horny. The thought of being alone with Ethan made my knees weak and my panties wet. Plus, Ethan was correct. If we didn't get some alone time there was no telling what would happen in front of our son…

"Venus, cover Sammy's ears," I requested. She did. "Ethan and I are going on a nice little drive. We're going to watch the sun set and then we will screw each other until we see my Cousin Jesus or we die trying. There are bottles of breast milk in the fridge, but make sure he doesn't eat the nipple. He likes to chew rubber, just don't let him swallow it. The dog bones are all over the place and there are more in the pantry. No TV. It's dangerous enough because he repeats everything. If he grows more than a foot or starts a massive fire call me. We'll come back. Also he likes to animate inanimate objects so keep him out of the kitchen. Knives would be unfortunate. I've locked up all the stuffed animals because I was almost decapitated by an orange teddy bear the other night. I'd suggest you play only with small things that don't have teeth. Any questions?"

The room was silent and all eyes were huge.

"Pretty sure that covers it," The Kev mumbled in a daze. Everyone else nodded.

I kissed my son and walked to the door. Excited didn't begin to cover what I was feeling. My inner hooker was breakdancing in my tummy and everything south of my belly button was on fire.

"Oh," I jerked to a halt and turned back. "Don't fuuuc—arking swear. He repeats every godda—urned thing we say."

On that note, I hightailed it to the door and ran. I was by far the worst potty mouth of all and I was definitely going to have to invest in duct tape.

Fuck.

Chapter 3

New parents must remember to pay attention to their own needs as well as their child's. However, parents also must remember…while the cat’s away the mice will play. And cats never eat the stomach or the guts. No, they will leave them on your doorstep as a gift. Please remember this is considered a great honor. For real.

"What is this place?" I asked as I stared at a beautiful little cottage nestled amongst huge oak trees. It looked like a house from a fairytale, complete with turrets and climbing ivy.

"It's a gift for you," Ethan said as he yanked the keys from the ignition and jumped out of the car. He'd driven like a bat out of Hell—at least seventy miles an hour over the speed limit right into the middle of nowhere. "Get out of the car, Astrid, or I'll take you in the passenger seat."

"Patience is a virtue," I said as I flew out of my seat and jumped him.

"Patience is for pussies," he muttered against my lips as his tongue plundered my mouth and his hands roamed my ass.

"I'm not sure I remember how to do it," I gasped as I ground against him like a cat in heat.

"It's like riding a bike," he insisted urgently. The love of my very long life was all over me and I happily returned the favor.

"Wait," I shouted as Ethan jerked to a halt and shoved me behind him, ready to kill whatever had alarmed me.

"What?" he bellowed in frustration as he scanned the area around us. "I don't see or feel danger."

"No danger," I said as I came out from behind him and slapped my hands on my hips. "And why in the Hell did you shove me behind your back? I'm more unkillable than you are."

"Habit," he mumbled as he tried to attack my lips again.

"Stop," I insisted. "I want to play a game."

Ethan ran his hands through his hair and looked like he wanted to cry. "A game?'

"Yessssssss." I grinned and lightly ran my hand over his substantial and achingly hard package. "Let's pretend this is your grandmother's house and we're in high school. You brought me here because after eight months of dating, dry humping and blue balls I finally agreed to do the nasty—as many times and ways as you've begged me. However, your grandma is at a championship bingo tournament and could return home and catch us at any moment. That, of course, would be catastrophic because she thinks sex is filthy and only for procreation and Mormons."

Ethan was shocked to silence…almost. "It seems like you put a lot of thought into this," he said as he looked up at the sky and tried his damnedest not to laugh.

"Okay, fine," I huffed. "If you don't like that one we can pretend we met at a bar. You're a world-class gigolo and I'm a beautiful virgin princess stripper and the world is going to end because of Zombies, Trolls and Gnomes…which, by the way, I had no idea existed. Anyhoo, I beg you to pop my cherry because I'm pretty sure there's no fucking in the afterlife. Or if there is, it would only be missionary style. "

"Not very realistic," he said as he advanced on me and pinned me against the car. "How about I'm your master and you're my toy. You've been promised to another man by your father, but I've decided to make you mine…against your will."

"That sounds promising," I purred. "Am I a virgin?"

"Of course."

"Will you tie me up and fuck me into submission?" I asked as my eyes turned from gold to a very aroused glittering green.

"That could be arranged. I might even let you tie me up and ravage my body." His fangs dropped and his power radiated off of him.

"You know," I said as I pulled his t-shirt out of his jeans and ran my hands over his six-pack abs, "the whole virgin thing is a little hard to buy. What if we…"

"How about this?" Ethan said as he slipped his large hands into the back of my pants and squeezed my ass. "Why don't we go for something wildly and insanely improbable?"

"I'm listening." I moaned as his fingers slipped between my legs and my brain got mushy.

"Let's pretend I'm a Vampyre Prince and you're my Princess. We're madly in love and against all odds, we have a child. A perfect, if not somewhat violent, Vampyre-Demon baby boy whom we adore. You are the most beautiful woman in the world and I want you with every fiber of my being. I am not complete without you and I would give my undead life for you. Let's just pretend I want you so badly I can barely function at this point and if I don't take you soon, I will implode."

"Very unrealistic." I giggled. "But I'm liking it. Tell me more."

"I want to memorize every inch of your body with my tongue and then I want to fuck you until you can't remember your name. I want you to feel me inside your body even when I'm not there. I want to mark you with my teeth so no one can mistake to whom you belong, and I want your mark on me. I want to show you with my body how much I love you. Forever."

"Oh my Hell," I gasped. "That's way better than the shit I came up with."

"The truth is always sexier that fiction," he growled as he pushed two fingers inside me and my knees buckled.

"Are we gonna do this on the hood of the car?" I asked as I yanked my shirt over my head and aggressively went for the buttons on his jeans.

"Nope," he said as he tossed me over his shoulder and slapped my wiggling bottom. "We're going to start in the house. The grand finale will be on top of the car."

I laughed as he moved at inhuman speed into the charming cottage. "Is this place really for me?" I asked as he tossed me on the massive four poster bed and began ripping his clothes from his gorgeous body.

"Yes, along with everything else I have. All of it is yours."

"You know I only want you," I panted as I tore at my own clothes. "And maybe some Prada and Stella McCartney."

"What about Jimmy Choo and Badgley Mischka?"

"Oh yeah," I said as I jumped off the bed and plastered my naked skin to his. "That too."

"God, I want you so badly I can barely see," Ethan hissed as we fell to the bed. He ran his open mouth from my neck to my breast. The sting of his fangs along my skin made my body shiver with delight. My back arched wantonly and I raked my nails down his back.

"Are you sure you want this?" he asked.

I stopped for a moment and looked at him in utter confusion. "What do you mean? Don't you want this?"

"I've wanted this our whole senior year," he purred with a smirk on his face that made me speechless and even hornier than I was a moment ago. "Your first time will hurt, but I promise I will make it worth it."

Excitement took the A train to the stop right between my legs and I thought I would pass out…

"Are you going to tell your friends?"

"Um…am I supposed to?" he asked, clearly unsure of the correct answer.

"No, you idiot." I punched him and giggled. "If I do the nasty with you, it has to be our secret."

"That might be a bit difficult," he murmured as he pinned my arms over my head and ran lazy circles with his tongue over my breasts.

"Why?" I gasped as I wiggled beneath him, inviting him closer. "Do you have loose lips?"

"Nope." He grinned and palmed himself. "I have a huge cock. When I get done with you, you'll be walking funny for a week."

"Oh my God," I screeched as I tried to escape from his hold. "You are an egotistical pig."

Laughter burst from my lips and I struggled futilely as he nibbled and licked his way around my body.

"With an enormous dick," he whispered as he bit down on the lobe of my ear and placed my hand on his sizable appendage.

"That is a monster," I agreed gravely as I stroked him. "It's too big to fit inside me so I'll just give you a hand job and then you can take me home."

"Sounds good," he said and then went deadly still. "Wait. What?"

"Yep, you're right. That is a ginormous Johnson. There's no way I can handle that behemoth weenie. It is really sad though…I was going to let you do anything you wanted to me. Anything." I hopped off the bed and bit back my grin. "What did I do with my clothes?" I muttered as I bent over, giving my Vampyre a fantastic view of my naked ass.

Ethan's eyes narrowed dangerously. He began to stalk me without even moving. I knew I didn't stand a chance against my five-hundred-twenty-two-year-old immortal sex god…and that was fine with me.

"Freeze," he said in a tone that sent my girlie parts into a tailspin.

"What's the magic word?" I asked sweetly, ignoring his demand.

"Ten."

"Inches or orgasms?" I inquired as casually as a woman on the verge of a sexual meltdown could.

His chuckle reverberated straight to my hoohoo and I slammed my legs together so I didn't come without him.

"Both."

"Works for me," I yelled as I dropped my clothes and dove on top of him. Happily, I buried my face in his neck. His scent made me dizzy. All of his hard meeting all of my soft was sheer perfection. "Is it going to hurt?" I asked coyly, still wanting to play.

"Oh Astrid, there is such a fine line between pleasure and pain," he said gruffly as he rolled me beneath him and trapped me with his body. "However, I assure you any discomfort you feel will be replaced by an addiction and a need so intense we'll both be lucky to live through it."

"Do you promise?" I whimpered as the heel of his hand pressed against my clit and his fingers pushed inside me.

"Do you trust me?" he asked. The pressure between my legs increased and my fangs dropped. I would have said yes to anything he asked at this point. I would have told him I was a freakin' unicorn if that was what it would take to get laid. Wait…did unicorns exist? If Trolls, Zombies and Gnomes did, maybe unicorns were real too. Now, I wondered about Bigfoot…

"Answer me, Astrid. Do you trust me?" he demanded again. He sunk his fangs into the underside of my breast and a violent orgasm shot through my body. I screamed, clamped my legs around his hand and rode it out as my body shuddered and my head thrashed. Cousin Jesus in a freakin' thong, Vampyre fangs were the greatest invention ever.

"I trust you," I groaned as his open mouth slid down my body.

"I think the best thing to do is to make you come a few times so my enormous erection will fit." His voice was muffled against my skin, but I could literally hear the cocky smirk in his voice.

"Probably a good idea, big guy. Do you think you're up for the challenge?" I queried, trying not to giggle or flip him over and ride him like a cowboy.

"I am most definitely up," he shot back and pressed the rock hard proof against my thigh. "The question is—can you handle it?"

"I can handle anything you dish out, Mr. Mighty Man Junk."

"That's one I'll not soon forget." He laughed as he made his way to the center of my universe. "You're sure about this?" he asked once more with the most evil and sexy grin I'd ever seen.

"Um…" What was he going to do? I mean he was a little older—like by about four-hundred-ninety-two years. He had more experience, which I did not like to think about. At all. Ever. He was mine and I didn't share. I was never a jealous person until I became a Vamp. However, he was as territorial as I was—actually more. "Should I be sure about this?"

"Yes," he whispered. "You should be very sure."

"Okay," I stuttered. "Um…I'm sure. I think."

His tongue rasped against my clit and little shots of brilliant color burst behind my tightly closed eyelids. His fingers and tongue worked magic as my body bucked and writhed beneath his expertise.

"You're really good at this," I cried out and wrapped my legs around his head. His laughter against my most private parts sent me into orgasm number two.

"Hold on, baby," he demanded as his hands gripped my hips and held me helpless to his mouth. "It's gonna be a bumpy ride."

His fangs scraped the tender skin of my inner thigh and he nipped, sending me into screaming orgasm number three, but that was just the appetizer… The main course was going to kill me deader than I already was. I knew what he had planned to do the second before he did it. Was this even legal?

"Ohmygodohmygodohmygod Ethan," I gasped. "I'm not sure that's a good idea."

"Oh Astrid, it's a very good idea," he insisted as he firmly held my thrashing body right where he wanted it. "You'll come so hard that I'll be able to fuck you easily with my massive dick…and you'll beg for more."

"I'm not sure I can handle…"

The next thing I heard was a scream so loud it hurt my own ears.

Who in the hell was the wailing banshee? WTF? Was it me?

The roar of the ocean blasted through my head as he embedded his fangs in my clit and I realized the ragged screams were coming from me. It felt like my soul left my body and looked down at the sexual frenzy below. My body jerked and convulsed erotically as Ethan owned me like no one ever had and no one ever would. His hands roamed my body in jealous possession and my fingers laced in his hair and pulled for dear life. I couldn't anchor to anything. I was spiraling out of control. The heat in my abdomen had spread through my body like lightning. My fangs burned with need.

Sobs mixed with moans tempered by screams were the noises that left my mouth as Ethan made his way back up my violently trembling body. His mouth had left me, but the fire raged to the point of inferno.

"I need," I begged. "Please. I need."

"What do you need?" he ground out. His eyes were wild and he'd never been more beautiful or frightening.

"I need you," I pleaded as I desperately kissed and licked the skin on his broad chest and smooth neck. "So bad. I need you so bad."

"As you wish."

He buried himself to the hilt with one swift and forceful thrust as we both cried out. Nothing in my life had ever felt so perfect or so right.

"So tight. So fucking wet," he muttered before he took my lips in a kiss that made me forget my name. "Mine. You're mine. Say it."

His body froze while he waited to be obeyed. I could play that game, but I'd just up the ante…

"You're mine, Vampyre. Say it," I choked out as my body tightened around his cock like a vise.

He threw back his head and laughed. "God, I love you. Yes. I'm yours. Tell me you're mine. Now."

"I'm yours," I promised frantically. "I'm yours forever. Now fuck me."

"With pleasure," he hissed.

He fucked me so hard and beautifully it would have killed a human, but I met him joyfully thrust for thrust. There was no way to be close enough. Crawling inside his skin would only be the beginning of what I needed from him. The roaring in my ears muffled our moans, but the rhythm and intensity would be imbedded in my mind and body forever.

"I love you, Astrid," Ethan said as he reached between us and fingered my clit. "Come with me."

He didn't have to ask twice. His release was almost painful as his engorged cock grew even bigger inside my willing body. I leaned into his neck and bit down. His body jerked violently and the sounds that came from deep within his chest sent me into an orgasmic explosion that by all rights should have killed everything within a ten mile radius.

"I love you. I love you. I love you," I mumbled over and over as I floated back down to Earth. "I love you so much."

"I love you more."

"Not possible," I whispered and cuddled up to his strong body.

We lay in post-coital bliss for a while. A stupid, silly grin was plastered on my face. My throat was raw and my limbs were rubber. Ethan traced lazy circles with his fingertips on my hip.

"It's a good thing my grandmother didn't come home," he said with a shit-eating smirk. "That most certainly would have given her a heart attack."

"Hell." I giggled. "That almost gave me a heart attack and I don't have a heart."

"You may not have the actual organ, my love, but your heart is as big as they come."

"Kind of like your pecker?" I asked innocently.

The look of shock on his face was all kinds of awesome and it took all I had not to squeal with laughter.

"You do realize you've thrown down the gauntlet for round two," he growled seductively.

"Well, I certainly hope so," I shot back. My limp noodle body miraculously came back to life and my nipples beaded painfully as I watched my Vampyre harden with desire. "That was the plan."

"Far be it from me to mess with the lady's plans," he deadpanned as he flipped me to my stomach and raised my ass in the air. "Besides, I do believe I promised you ten orgasms…"

"Um…I think it was fifteen." I shuddered as his hands spread my legs and I felt his erection poke at my thighs.

"I'm pretty sure it was twenty," he amended the number and began to make good on his promise.

"Twenty would be good." I groaned with delight as he slapped my ass and ran his talented tongue up my spine.

"Twenty it is."

And it was. And it was damn good. Oh my Uncle God in Heaven, it was good.

Chapter 4

As a parent, it is good to embrace the simple fact that love comes in all shapes, sizes and colors. Love is blind…as it should be.

Thankfully the Cressida House was still standing. I scanned the roof and windows to make sure none of them had been blown out by our son. Everything looked fine. This was good. I was still horny, but the mother lode of orgasms, compliments of my man, would keep me from demonstrating sex in front of my child for at least twenty-four hours or so.

The sheer relief that we had dependable babysitters was overwhelming…until we got to the nursery.

"What the Hell?" Ethan roared as we took in the disaster that used to be a charming and somewhat organized baby nursery. His magic seeped off him in waves, filling the room and making movement difficult. Of course, my magic wasn't helping matters much either. For those in the room that needed to breathe, it was going to be difficult at the very least.

The Kev was down. He was sprawled in the middle of the floor with his large hands covering his eyes. He appeared to be alive but exhausted. Martha and Jane hung from chains attached to the ceiling. They had been gagged with stuffed animals. Their torpedo tits swung like pendulums covered in purple sequins and they were kicking their spindly legs angrily. Gemma was collapsed in the rocker that I fed Sammy in. Venus and my child were missing.

The ball of lead in my stomach almost incapacitated me. I sprang forward and yanked The Kev to his feet. My adrenaline levels were at a dangerous peak, not to mention Ethan’s… he was ready to explode. I needed to speak, but my tongue felt thick. Ethan would attack first and ask questions later. I had to find my voice before my friend tree became smaller.

"Sammy?" I yelled. "Where is my baby?"

Gemma flew to her feet and grabbed me. "He's fine," she shouted as she realized what the scene must look like to us. "He's fine. Venus is bathing him in the bathroom. He got a little messy with…um, all the games we, um, you know…played. He's fine. I promise."

If I could breathe, I would have expelled the mother of all sighs. Both my mate's and my magic receded and the room became less claustrophobic. My baby was fine. Everything was okay. I knew I loved my child. I was positive I would kill for him. However, I realized at the last moment I would most likely destroy the world to keep him safe.

A small pang of hurt settled in my chest as I realized my mother would have done very little to nothing to ensure my safety. Hell, she'd tried to kill me. How does that happen? I took no classes on being a mom. I'd had a tremendously shitty example of what it meant to be a mom, yet I was a good mom—I was a great mom. Yes…my child was swearing at several months old, but I loved him. I was going to do better with my mouth. At least I would try.

He'll have to go to therapy for something I do in his life, but it will be unintentional. Maybe I'll smother him with too much love. I could live with that fault. My son will know he is loved. Always. He can tell his therapist that I loved him too much, was liberal with the word fuck, and that I made out with his father too often. He can tell him I killed a few bad guys, spent too much money on Prada and worked hard not to blow up the continental United States. My boy can complain that his uncle was Satan and that his Demon blood came from my side…shitshitfuckshit. I was going to start a therapy fund for Samuel on Monday. He was going to need it.

"What games did you play?" Ethan asked way too softly. He didn't have a firm grip on his fury yet and I was a teensy bit worried for the safety of all in the room.

"It was all good for the first hour or so," The Kev mumbled wearily as he collapsed on the couch. "And then the wrinkly pains-in-my-ass that are now hanging from the ceiling suggested charades. Trust me on this…do not play charades with your son until he's a grown man. Actually, just don't ever do it. I have lived thousands of years and I have never seen anything quite like it."

"Oh my God, what happened?" I demanded, wondering what could have brought the strongest and most deadly Fairy in the universe to his knees.

"Sammy didn't exactly understand that we were just acting out the words," Gemma said and then blanched. "He kind of conjured up everything on the list and then he just started to conjure. I'd call it a free-association kind of conjure-fest."

"That's quite mild," The Kev chimed in. "I'm not sure who my godchild has been hanging with, but that little dude sure has one scary imagination."

"What in the Hell did he conjure up?" Ethan asked as he scanned the room for major structural damage. "I see no real damage in here—only a mess."

"Well, um…don't go to your kitchen or the back left side of the mansion." The Kev grinned and I almost laughed. With his new David Hasselhoff persona it was difficult to take him seriously.

"Why? Is it gone?" I asked as I yanked the pink and blue stuffed kittens from Jane and Martha's mouths. I was sure they would have something interesting to add to the conversation. Something that I hoped would allow me to maim them. Strangely, they stayed silent. Not a good sign.

"Yep, totally gone," Gemma explained guiltily. "But if you give me a half hour or so I can restore it."

"Thanks," I muttered, wondering why I couldn't sense the destruction when I arrived home. "What happened and why couldn't I smell it?"

Both Gemma and The Kev turned to the old bitches hanging in the air and waited. I knew it. I knew it was a suckass clusterfuck of a shitball idea to have them babysit. Fuckityfuckfuck, I should have listened to my gut. They were never going to be around Samuel again. Ever. I didn't care how much Sammy begged for them. They were destructive imbeciles and I should have let them bleed out and die when I'd had the chance. Well, maybe not, but that didn't change the fact that I was going to have them moved to another Vampyre compound—like one in the North Pole area.

"Martha and Jane, I'd suggest you start talking or I will let my imagination take over and that could be really rough on your limbs," I stated without one swear word. See? I could do it.

"Your imagination would never even come close," The Kev muttered, looking so much like the Knight Rider I had to laugh.

"It's really not funny, Astrid," Gemma said as she began to straighten the room. "I don't think you'll be laughing five minutes from now."

"Enough," Ethan bellowed in frustration. "Someone tell us what in the Hell happened here or I'll go all Vampy, as my mate likes to say, on your asses."

"It was her fault," Jane whined and tried to slap Martha as they swung back and forth in their chains. "It was the fucking map she showed the baby."

"Map? How would a freakin' map blow out the back of my home?" I snapped.

"Good use of the word freakin'," The Kev congratulated me on not using the word fuck.

"Thank you. I repeat…how did a map cause all this damage?"

"Well, um…," Martha started. "I figured I would show him the pretty map when we took a charades break due to the six-headed Demon he conjured and then it all went to goddamned Hell in a hand basket."

"What the fuck are you talking about?" I yelled. "Shit, I meant heck. What in the fucking heck are you talking about? And where is the six-headed Demon now?"

"You see that pile of dust over there?" Gemma asked.

I glanced over and noticed the rather large pile of green goo-covered ashes in the corner of the room. Son of a bitch…

"I will start with your arms," I threatened the old bags. "Then I will remove your legs, followed by your tongues. I will place you in a room with liberal news stations playing twenty-four hours a day and all of your caretakers will be transvestites. And that's only the fucking beginning."

"Nice." Gemma gave me a thumbs up.

"It got the point across," I muttered.

"Ya think?" She laughed and flipped her fingers at the old bags who fell with a loud thump to the floor. "You do realize they're immortal because you're a pussy?"

"Yes," I hissed. "Everyone makes mistakes. Is there any more to this story?"

"Please say no," Ethan added, trying to hold his shit together.

"I didn't know," Martha stuttered. "I didn't know what he could do."

Jane was now sobbing and Martha was rocking back and forth like she was drunk.

"Spit it out," I snapped. "Now."

"We had a map of the cemeteries of all forty-nine of our dead ancestors…"

"It's very colorful and educational," Jane added through her wailing.

"And then…" Martha's eyes rolled back into her head and she dropped to the floor like a sack of bricks.

"What the fuck?" I gasped and looked around the room. "Is she dead?"

"Unfortunately, no," Gemma said as she squatted down and examined Martha, then shook her head in disgust. "They showed Samuel the map and told him that all their dead aunts and uncles and grandparents were buried six feet under the cold dirt. They explained that worms and maggots were eating their skin, but not to worry because apparently most of them deserved it. They talked about how they missed some of them—how some of them owed them money. Then they started in on how they'd like to kick the asses of about ten of them."

Gemma took a huge breath and shuddered. "And next thing we knew forty-nine fucking Zombies directly related to Martha and Jane were wandering around the nursery trying to eat us."

"No good deed goes unpunished," Ethan said as he glared at Martha and Jane.

"How could we know he could call up Zombies?" Jane shrieked. "Oh my God, it was awful. I didn't recognize more than half of them with all the missing noses and partial heads."

Martha came to and curled into a fetal ball on the floor. "I tried to converse with my grandpa and he almost chewed my left ear off," she sputtered. "Literally."

"And the maggots. Oh my Hell, the maggots," Jane screamed.

"Put the stuffed cats back in their mouths," I said to Gemma. "If I hear them speak again, I will kill them. For real dead."

"We got it," Jane said as she shoved a pink cat in her mouth and popped the blue one into Martha's.

"So the Zombies destroyed the back of the house?" Ethan asked as he ran his hands through his hair.

"Um, nope," The Kev said as he pinched the bridge of his David Hasselhoff nose. "That would have been the Gnomes and the Trolls that Martha and Jane told Sammy about in tremendous detail. Venus blew the Zombies up and flushed the remains down the toilet."

Martha and Jane began to crawl in panic and shame from the room. I was not having that. Their stupidity was going to require a plumber. With a quick flick of my fingers I froze them and electrocuted them. I knew it wouldn't kill them, but it would wreak havoc on their perms and definitely hurt like a motherfucker. It was the least I could do.

"There were Gnomes and Trolls in my home?" Ethan yelled. "They are filthy and deadly. How many and where are they now?"

"Eight Trolls and two Gnomes," The Kev said with an inappropriate grin on his face. "They were fighters, but I won."

"Did you kill them?" I asked, still trying to wrap my mind around the fact that Trolls and Gnomes were real.

"I incapacitated them and took their magic. Same as death, but worse," he answered.

"Where are they?" Ethan asked, clearly impressed with The Kev.

"Purgatory. I figured that would be a good pick-up point for Satan if he wants them. Otherwise the piped in elevator music will kill them in forty-eight hours. Not to mention Mr. Rogers can off them with the Sword of Death if they get too rowdy."

"Sammy saw all of this?" I asked and realized he was going to need a very large budget for therapy.

"He did," Gemma said carefully as she twisted her curls in her fingers. "But I don't think it scarred him. He seemed to enjoy it. Especially the Gnomes."

"Oh my God," I said as I paced the room and wondered again if I should find some nice normal family to raise my son.

"There was one other minor thing," Gemma said cautiously.

"And that would be?" Ethan ground out through clenched teeth.

"I washed him for an hour," Venus said wearily as she walked back into the room with Sammy wrapped up in a huge fluffy bath towel. "It's not coming off."

"What's not coming off?" I demanded.

Venus' eyes grew round and she tried to cover the wiggling Sammy. "Um…"

"Hi Mommy," Sammy yelled and popped his little head out. The entire room went still as we stared at my child. He blew a raspberry and waved his chubby little hands. "Me have black Penus skin."

That he did. My baby's skin was as black as night. His hair was still white-blond and his eyes were golden, but his skin matched Venus' perfectly. Interesting. Gemma bit at her full lips and The Kev hid his grin behind his hand. Venus looked bewildered and Ethan simply stared.

"Do you like me, Mommy? Me so pretty with black Penus skin!"

"Yes, you are beautiful with black skin," I said truthfully as I took him from Venus' arms. "What happened to your other skin?" I looked his little body over.

"Me like Penus skin better, so me change." He giggled and pulled on my hair as he shoved his little thumb into his mouth and slurped.

"Well, I love it, but I would love you with any color skin," I said as I covered him with kisses.

"At least he didn't choose green or purple," Ethan mumbled as he took his son into his arms and hugged him tightly.

"Ohhhhhh, me like purple!" Sammy squealed, and before our eyes our son went from a gorgeous ebony hue to a frightening purple.

"What the fuck?" I gasped and then slapped my hand over my foul mouth. My son was a freakin' rainbow.

"Samuel," Ethan said firmly. "Put your regular skin back on. This is a fun game, but why don't we go back to normal and call it a night?"

"Normal doesn't really come into play with us," I muttered.

"Can me be green?" my baby asked his father.

"Not tonight, son," Ethan answered as he gently laid Sammy on the changing table and put his pajamas on him.

"Okay, Daddy. Me be me."

Samuel scrunched his little face and his skin went from garish purple back to a beautiful peachy pink. My child was going to be a challenge in ways I couldn't even begin to comprehend. It was time to know who he was. Mother Nature and Pam tried to tell me when he was born, but I stopped them. I just wanted to enjoy my baby without the added worry of knowing what he was to become. However, with all the conjuring and pigment changing not to mention the alarming growth spurts and the early language skills…I needed to know what everyone else did. To raise my son I now needed to know what his destiny would be. I simply wanted my child to be happy.

My wish for Sammy was for him to be compassionate, kind and good. I wanted to raise a man who would be happy and have a fulfilling life and not live in my basement after college. Hell, who was I kidding? I needed to raise someone who could kick some ass and take no prisoners. He would never be able to go to a normal school no matter how much I wished that for him. He was not normal and neither were we. I just prayed he wasn't slated to save the world or some heinous shit like that.

"Daddy," Samuel squealed as he tried to wriggle out of his pajamas. "Do you want Penus skin? Me can give you and Mommy Penus skin!"

"No, little man." Ethan chuckled and pulled his child close. "However, it might be nice if you gave your Uncle Satan blue skin tomorrow. He would love that."

The gasps in the room were hilarious. My Vampyre was evil to the core…I bit my lip to keep from screaming or laughing. Satan would look awesome as a Smurf. I needed to make sure my phone was charged so I could get some good blackmail shots. Tomorrow was going to be a shit show of epic proportions. There was no telling how everyone would react to my new rules concerning my child. There was sure to be yelling and violence. Just as long as no one died it would be a success. Fuckityfuckfuck, I was not looking forward to tomorrow. Blue and purple relatives, screaming and fighting, swearing and bloodshed…

Well, maybe I was looking a little forward to it.

Chapter 5

Parenting books are useless if you're not human. If your child is half Vampyre/ half Demon we would suggest not using parenting books at all—they can backfire like a motherfucker. We wish you luck and…well, luck.

"We have an hour," Ethan said as he slid into his Hugo Boss blazer.

He was such a beautiful man. I had to press my hands to my sides so I didn't run them over his chest or grab his asstastic butt. I always had the distinct urge to jump him and ride him blind. His sexy half smirk told me he knew exactly what I was thinking. I rolled my eyes and continued to dress. Too bad the Who's Who of the immortal world would be descending on us soon, leaving no time for nookie.

"We could get in the car, be at the airport, and on a plane in that time. What do you say?" he inquired with a hopeful look in his eyes.

"Where would we go?" I asked as I slipped on a pair of Prada stilettos that went perfectly with the classy black sheath I'd chosen and twisted my wild hair into a French braid.

"I don't know…how about Russia? It's big and it would take them at least a month to find us if we play it smart," he said casually.

"Russia is cold and Russian. I don't want to go there. How about Mars?"

"No culture on Mars, not to mention the Portals to other galaxies are guarded by Trolls."

"How is it that I didn't know about fucking Trolls and they've come up about five times in the last twenty-four hours?" I snapped. The stress of the upcoming family gathering was making me itchy. It wouldn't take much for me to unravel. "Wait. Could we actually go to Mars?"

"Nope, even Vampyres can't survive on Mars."

"Do aliens exist?" I asked as I pulled out a cute pair of pants and a shirt for Sammy. Thankfully, he was napping and hadn't had time to do much damage yet.

Ethan rolled his eyes and snorted. "Aliens do not exist."

"I don't know why that's funny. I'd prefer aliens to Gnomes, Trolls and Zombies."

"Good point," he agreed. "I have to admit, I'm quite awed by The Kev. No one, not even a two-thousand-year-old Fairy should have lived through getting rid of that many Trolls and Gnomes. Putting them in Purgatory was sheer brilliance."

"I think Gemma helped," I said as I found some tiny green Converse tennis shoes for my boy.

"No surprise there. She'll be as strong as he is very soon. You do realize that they'll have to go to Xanthia," he said as he picked up a sleeping Sammy and laid the confused child on the changing table.

"They want her dead," I told him as I as I unzipped my baby from his sleeper. "I don't want her to go back there."

"It's not our choice. She's their Queen and they've waited centuries for her."

"Then they can wait longer…until The Kev says it's safe," I insisted. "I won't let her go if a bunch of fucking off their rocker Fairy freaks want to kill her. Period."

"Fucking Fairy freaks," Sammy crowed and clapped his hands. "Me eat them!"

I blanched as much as a pale Vampyre could and pulled a roll of duct tape out of the diaper bag. Slowly I ripped off a four-inch piece and slapped it over my foul mouth, much to my mate and son's delight.

"Silly, silly Mommy," Sammy squealed. "You so funny."

"Mommy is funny and we don't eat Fairies. Too chewy," Ethan said as he scooped up Sammy and put him on his shoulder. "Mommy is trying very hard to be a good girl, so we will support her new fashion statement and love her anyway. You got it?"

"Me got it. Do Daddy want orange skin?"

My muffled laughter under the tape earned me a glare from a highly unamused Vampyre. "No. No orange skin for Daddy. Not today, not ever."

***

"Russia is sounding kind of good now," I whispered frantically to Ethan as the shrieks of my extended family filled the ballroom. Massive crystal chandeliers trembled and walls buckled. This was bad. I had a feeling Pompeii would be considered mild compared to what was going down today.

Satan was blue and Grandpa was orange. The Angel of Death, Hayden, and his mate Dixie were a lovely teal. Elijah, the Angel of Light and the woman he wanted to be his mate, Lucy, were lime green. Pam and Ethan's father, the King, were a hot pink, but The Kev and Gemma were the worst—they sported neon purple skin. Strangely the Baby Demons were red like they always were and pouted loudly at the unfairness. They were lobbying for yellow. However, Mother Nature won the prize…she was full on rainbow and was not pleased.

"Everyone calm down," I shouted to deaf ears.

I watched in horror as priceless paintings fell off the walls and crashed to the ground. Satan's displeasure had started a fire in the corner of the room and trees began exploding through the marble floor thanks to Mother Nature. A full on zoo of animals wandered aimlessly through the melee. I wasn’t sure if that was Mother Nature's doing or my son's. Whatever. It had to stop.

Shoving Sammy into Ethan's arms, I shut my eyes and concentrated. Black glitter mist covered my arms and my chest and magic engulfed me. My hair pulled loose from its braid and swirled wildly around my head. I stamped my foot twice, raised my arms above my head and screamed. Water poured from the ceiling and doused the fire as sparkling silver gilded cages dropped around the animals—thankfully right before the lions offed the monkeys.

A violent wind blew and trapped my family and friends in a funnel, lifting them all off the ground and tossing them haphazardly around the room. It came up so fast no one had time to counteract it with magic. I grinned as I watched Mother Nature swat at her son, Satan. I considered simply grabbing Ethan and Samuel and leaving, but the payback for this would be a bitch and then some. Flicking my fingers, I let the wind die down and placed all of my family gently on the couches and chairs. However, everyone was mute—mute as in I temporarily stole their voice boxes. I needed to talk and that was the only way to get a word in with this bunch.

"Alrighty then, welcome to my house that you all just royally fucked up. Sammy, turn everyone's skin back. Now," I said as they stared at my child in shock.

"Do me have to?" he pouted. "They look so pretty."

"Yes, you have to."

Grudgingly, he did. He scrunched his little face and icy pale blue crystals showered the room, restoring everyone's skin to its original color. The loud sighs of relief from the most powerful immortals in the world made me giggle.

"Ooookay, let's get down to business," I said cheerfully to the room full of unhappy people who watched me through narrowed eyes. Motherhumper, this was such a stupid idea. I should have just sent out a mass email or text. Shitfirebuttballs. "I have a few questions and then I'm going to lay out a few new laws. Failure to comply with said laws will result in maiming, blood loss and Sammy privileges being revoked. Does anyone have any questions?" I asked, only to be greeted by stony silence. Well, that was weird. No one had anything to say? Mother Nature always had something to say…not to mention Pam.

"You took their voices," Ethan reminded me.

"Shit, that's right." I waved my hand and returned their voice boxes. "So…questions?" Still met with silence, I bravely or very possibly stupidly soldiered on. "So as you can see Sammy speaks and can reassign skin pigment. He can also raise Zombies and conjure Trolls and Gnomes. He can animate inanimate objects and he seems a bit prone to violence. He's extremely loving and is growing at an alarming rate. He has a wonderful imagination…however, I have a difficult time believing he imagined the motherfucking six-headed Demon he conjured up last night."

"Motherfucking," Sammy shouted.

"Yes, and he likes to repeat things so from here on out all swearing around my child will stop. I simply won't tolerate it," I muttered, not making eye contact with anyone.

"Pot, kettle, black," Pam said as the others nodded in agreement.

"Fine," I hissed. "I realize I'm the main offender, but I know for a fact I didn't teach him about boobies." I stared hard at my Baby Demons who raised their tiny hands guiltily.

"Me sorry," Abe said.

"Me sorry toooooooo," Beyonce added morosely.

"We no take him to strip clubs anymore," Ross said as Rachel nodded solemnly at his side. Ethan tensed and I shot him a look. I didn't want him to kill anyone in front of our son. We had enough problems without that added to them.

"The six-headed Demon?" I inquired.

"Sorry," Satan said sheepishly. "Those don't even exist. It was a harmless bedtime story. I'm thoroughly impressed that he can do that though."

"Well, I'm not. I'm tired of almost dying on a daily basis."

"Noted," Satan said.

"Fire breathing kittens?" I asked.

"Me," Mother Nature admitted.

"Dogs with dagger paws?"

"Um, me," Satan said. "They were the heroes in the story."

"Of course they were," I snapped. "Flaming midgets?"

"As in gay or on fire?" Mother Nature asked logically as she tossed her shiny red curls over her shoulder.

"On fire."

"Oh." She giggled. "That was me."

"Great," I snapped. "Just so you know, it's highly unpleasant to be in the tub and dive bombed by burning little people."

"I can see how that wouldn't appeal," she agreed.

"So here's the deal. We all, including me, have to behave around Sammy. He's impressionable and innocent. I want him to stay that way as long as he can. Capisce?"

"You do realize he's a True Immortal," my adorable little Grandpa said.

"I figured as much," I mumbled as Ethan tensed beside me.

All True Immortals were almost impossible to kill and nine existed. God was Good. Satan was Evil. Grandpa was Wisdom. Mother Nature was Emotion. The Angel of Death, Hayden, was Death, and the Angel of Light, Elijah, was Life. Dixie was Balance and Lucy was Temptation. I rounded out the motley crew as Compassion. What in the Hell could Samuel possibly be? Everything seemed to be covered already.

“So Asshead," Pam, my Guardian Angel, said. "Are you finally ready to hear what gift your son has been given?"

"Nope, but I'm sure you're going to tell me anyway." I grabbed Ethan's hand and touched Samuel with my other. How bad could this really be?

"Samuel is Utopia," Mother Nature said reverently.

"He's an imaginary island?" I asked, wondering why in the Hell my son was a land mass and what that could mean.

"Of course not," Mother Nature trilled. "He's a visionary. He's ideal."

"He's all of us," Grandpa said. "Samuel embodies the powers and gifts of all the True Immortals. He is the strongest of us all."

Son of a bitch. They had to be joking. My son was good, evil, wisdom, emotion, life, death, balance, temptation and compassion? Therapy wasn't going to be able to touch that clusterfuck of a combination. Maybe a lobotomy…but no one was going to touch my baby with a knife and live to tell.

"Sammy is Upoopia!" my baby shouted and clapped his hands, instantly bringing all the furniture in the room to life. Couches and chairs upended their occupants and began to dance around the room recklessly.

"Outstanding," Satan yelled as he tangoed with a chaise. "My great nephew is tremendous."

How the Devil didn't look like an idiot was beyond me. He actually made dancing with a sofa look hot. Mother Nature was doing something akin to humping with an ottoman and the rest of the crew were partnering up with pillows, end tables and knickknacks.

"Enough," Ethan bellowed. The furniture froze as did all of the nut bags that were dancing with it. "Samuel, put the furniture back to sleep."

"Okay, Daddy," he said and wiggled his chunky fingers. The tables, chairs and the rest floated gracefully back to their homes and the room quieted.

"Clearly we have a few minor problems here," I said cheerfully through clenched teeth. "I think the best thing to do would be to limit visitation for a while…like thirty years or so, until Sammy has more of a grip on what will fly in normal society."

"Mommy, Sammy make everything fly," he told me sweetly.

"I know, baby, but sometimes that's not the best idea," I said and kissed his cheek.

"That's a mistake," The Kev said quietly.

"No, it's not," I argued. "It would be a shitshow and a half if he went to school and flew his little classmates all over the room and made the books and computers eat the teachers."

"That's not what I meant," The Kev countered with a kind smile. "Sammy will never go to a normal school or even mingle with humans for a very long time."

It was difficult to take someone who looked like David Hasselhoff seriously, but his words were hitting home in a harsh and realistic way. I wanted to cry, but bloody tears would fuck up my outfit. Plus, I needed to be strong for my child.

"What do you mean?" Ethan asked. His voice was dangerous and low.

I grabbed his hand and squeezed. Thank God I wasn't in this alone. I could kill an army of Rogue Demons, but tell me my son will never get to do Field Day or get asked to a Sadie Hawkins dance and I will weep a river.

"It would be a grave miscalculation to block Samuel from those that share his powers. The only way he will survive is to learn to harness what he has been given. Astrid, you cannot teach your son to contain and use Evil any more than Satan could teach your child to embrace Compassion. He needs to spend time with all of us. He will be dangerous and untamable unless we work together."

The words rang in my head. Dangerous? Untamable? WTF? My gut clenched and fear for my son consumed me. I shook my head to clear it and began to pace—movement helped me think. I felt magic leak from my pores and scatter through the room, bouncing around like ping pong balls. My family and friends ducked and steered clear while I marched around the room and tried to calm down. If The Kev was correct, which he usually was, I needed to keep Sammy in contact with his family. If I chose not to, my guess was that Samuel could become something so powerful he would have to be destroyed. God help anyone who would try to destroy my child. Well…it was a no brainer. However, I could still lay down a few parameters.

"Okay, fine," I said tightly. "Ethan, would you cover Sammy's ears?" He did. "We will raise him as a village. However, I am his mother and Ethan is his father. We have the final word on everything." The crowd nodded agreeably. "No more ten-headed fucking Demons."

"It was six," Satan volunteered.

"Thank you for the clarification," I snapped and rolled my eyes.

"No problem," he said and winked. My Uncle Satan was a piece of work…

"No boobies, or strip clubs, no fire breathing dagger wielding anything. No prejudice or hate will be condoned. I am going to invest in duct tape for my mouth. If I catch anyone cussing around him I will take your voice box for a week. If you persist I will remove your tongue. Oh, and no twerking or pole dancing."

Mother Nature sighed dramatically. "That's just not fair." She pouted and stamped her tiny foot, causing a minor earthquake to rumble through the massive ballroom.

"You can teach him to bake instead," I offered. Shocked gasps and covert gagging noises filled the room.

My grandmother contemplated my proposition and then laughed with delight. It sounded like wind chimes and I bit back a grin.

"That is a wonderful idea! We will start with cookies," she trilled with excitement.

Satan choked and Dixie slapped her hand over her mouth to disguise her laughter. Mother Nature was the worst cook in the universe—bar none. Of course that didn't stop her. She adored cooking…almost as much as she enjoyed pole dancing. According to those I knew that could eat, her food was horrendous. Hyenas turned up their noses at her concoctions and they'd eat anything. However, since Sammy didn't actually eat, I figured cooking with his great grandma was fairly harmless.

"As far as school goes…" I said cautiously.

I didn't know what to do about that. I had wanted him to have a normal childhood, but that was clearly not in the big picture. I needed some time to come up with a plan B.

"I've thought about that already," Ethan said. "Heathcliff will do his fight training until Samuel is ready for The Kev and my sister Racquel can do his schooling."

"Racquel?" I asked, surprised. She was hotter than Hell. I coveted her wardrobe with a vengeance, but was she smart?

"Off the charts MENSA," the King said with pride. "She's also great with kids."

This could work. I trusted Heathcliff, my Vampyre cousin, with my life and I really liked Racquel a lot, but…"Wait. I thought Heathcliff ripped off Racquel's arms or legs or something a long time ago."

"Yes, that's true." Ethan grinned with delight at the memory. God, we were a violent race. "But they are by far the most qualified and trustworthy for the job. They will deal with their past or I will deal with them."

"Works for me," I said, wondering if Sammy's tutors would survive each other, not to mention my son…"So any questions?"

The Baby Demons raised their hands excitedly.

"That don't have to do with boobies or touching butts…"

Their hands went down.

"Great. I'll make out a schedule and email it to everyone. I'd prefer you guys come to us until we know Sammy has more of a grip on his, um…skills."

"Can I take the animals home to Nirvana?" Mother Nature asked as she peeked through the cages at the lions and monkeys.

"Yes," Ethan and I shouted at the same time.

"That would be wonderful," I added gratefully.

"Then we're off," Satan said grandly as he gave me, Sammy and his daughter Dixie quick hugs. "I'd also like to thank whomever left the Trolls and Gnomes in Purgatory for me. They completely destroyed half of that stinky place before the piped in music caused them to explode. God had an absolute fit. It was lovely."

I glanced over at The Kev who shrugged and grinned.

Holy Hell on a flaming stick. My life was anything but boring.

Chapter 6

Playtime with your child is educational and beneficial. A parent should set aside time to play with their child daily. However, keep in mind that fun and games can quickly turn to tantrums and tears.

"No. The answer is no," I said firmly. I slapped a full house down on the table and grinned. "You owe me a hundred bucks."

"Son of a bitch," Martha groused as she threw her cards at me. "I think you cheat." She pulled some twenties out of her cleavage and I almost threw up in my mouth.

"Is that the only cash you have?" I asked, disgusted.

"Yep," she grunted, knowing full well I wouldn't touch her sweaty boob money. "Jane has some in her underpants too."

"Oh. My. Hell," I griped. "You're disgusting."

"How about we play for supervised visitation rights?" Jane bargained.

I had forbidden them from seeing Sammy after the babysitting debacle. They were so depressed and pitiful about it, I stupidly invited them to game night to cheer their asses up. Clearly, it wasn't working, but that was just too bad. I glanced around the room and giggled. The Kev and Gemma were playing Twister that looked like foreplay and Pam and the King were in an intense and profane game of Scrabble. Venus and several Vamps were playing a very serious and deadly game of Monopoly and Ethan was engrossed in the directions of Candy Land in preparation for playing with Samuel when he woke up. Motherhumper, that was hot. Any man who would study Candy Land for his child like it was the Holy Grail deserved a thirty minute blow job.

"You ladies, and I use that term loosely, fucked up. Most of Purgatory is gone due to your explicit descriptions of Gnomes and Trolls and my toilets are backed up with Zombie dust. I have considered flushing your heads, but the thought of your hair anywhere in my bathroom is nightmare inducing. So the answer is still no."

"What if we said we were going to give your name and address to the Jehovah's Witnesses and tell them that it's your dream to join because you think birthdays and Christmas suck ass?" Martha said slyly, thinking she had me.

"Is that all you got?" I snorted. "How about if I tell the local paper that you ladies are hermaphrodites who believe in gay marriage, gun control and higher taxes on corporations?"

"Low blow, Titty McBoobyhatch," Jane grumbled.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome," Jane said with admiration. "Will you keep us away from him forever?"

She fiddled with her hair and I noticed it moved dangerously to the left, leaving a rather large bald spot on the right. Holy Hell, she was bald and the nest on her head was a wig. Normally I would have jumped on that shit like white on rice, but she looked so pathetic at the moment I didn't have the heart.

I looked at the two heinous old bags dressed in hot pink workout gear trimmed in green faux fur and I caved. Why did I feel sorry for them? They were horrid, but I knew they truly loved Sammy and he'd been asking about them constantly. Maybe I would take their voice boxes during their visits…

"If you two can behave I will let you have a fifteen minute supervised visit with Samuel later this week," I said, regretting every word as it left my mouth. Ethan's groan and eye roll didn't help much, but the looks of joy on Martha and Jane's faces made me feel good. "I will supervise and I will kill you dead if you screw up again."

"Sounds fair," Martha said.

"You drive a hard bargain, Knockers Mcboobtastic," Jane grumbled. "But we accept. We are going to give him singing lessons."

"Um…" I had heard them sing. They were convinced they were going to compete on American Idol. They were smoking crack.

"We've been working up a medley of Prince and I do believe we've found our calling. I sing a mother fucking killer rendition of “Raspberry Beret” and Jane absolutely nails the shit out of “Purple Rain” and “1999”."

"I'm going to be sick," Ethan muttered from across the room.

"It will be fine," I said, trying to convince myself more than him. "There will be…"

The explosion was violent and completely unexpected. We weren't at war with anyone at the moment as far as I knew, but clearly I didn't know shit. The windows blew out and shards of glass shot through the room like machine gun bullets. Blood splattered the walls and all of my friends went into action. Blazing pink fires billowed and screams like I'd never heard pierced the air as I winced and clapped my hands over my ears.

The invaders were beautiful and even a brief glance at them was painful. I knew what they were and it made my stomach roil. I didn't think they left their land very often, but apparently they were tired of waiting for their Queen. The Fairies had come for Gemma because she had refused to go to them. They did not look happy to see her and I knew her minutes were numbered. This was not working for me.

The Kev no longer looked like David Hasselhoff. He was a gorgeous avenging Fairy in hand to hand combat with three other viciously beautiful people of his race. Gemma had shifted into something that resembled a shimmering Dragon with fangs that put a prehistoric tiger's to shame. She was roughly the size of an SUV and I said a quick prayer to Uncle God that the floor would hold.

It was happening so fast I wasn't quite sure it was happening at all. Instinct took over and I began to shoot magic from my fingertips that should have turned the ethereal bastards to dust, but only served to piss them off.

"Ethan," I shouted. "Behind you!"

He turned quickly and decapitated two ferocious Fairies with his bare hands. They were headed for Gemma and would have happily made my mate collateral damage along the way. His furious roar bounced off the walls of the room and captured everything I was feeling. Who did these pretty cocksuckers think they were busting in on game night and destroying my house? I was so done with people messing up my stuff. It was one thing if Sammy did it…Oh my God. My baby.

As I began to run to the nursery next door, I was trapped in a chokehold by one of the best looking dudes I'd ever seen. He had no idea what a mistake he was making. I was a mother who was going to protect her child and he was in my way. Bad fucking move—very bad.

My scream stopped time and the Fairy tried to back off, but that was so not happening. His ass was mine. "Martha and Jane, nursery," I shouted. "NOW." They were insane, but they would die for my child.

"On it," Martha grunted as she literally flew from the room with Jane in tow, kicking every Fairy in the head as they left. How in the Hell could they already fly? Honestly, I didn't care—I was overjoyed that they could fly. It would mean they could grab Sammy and get away from here if need be.

Above the frightening sounds of the battle I heard The Kev commanding a reluctant Gemma to transport to a safe house, but she was having none of it. She fought savagely right alongside her man. However, The Kev was right—she should leave until we got rid of the enemy. I needed to kill a Fairy real quick and then have a brief word with my BFF. First things first…

"You're just a woman," the Fairy snarled with disgust as long, deadly claws ejected from his fingertips. "A filthy Vampyre to boot. I eat shit like you for breakfast."

"Oh my God," I shouted to the room. "This stupid assjacket eats shit. That is soooooo gross."

Pam's cackle from across the room as she, Venus and the King destroyed Fairies almost made me smile.

"That's not what I meant," he screeched as he noticed other Fairies laughing at him.

"Well dude, you're gonna have a really hard time living that shit eating thing down—so I'm gonna help you out with that."

His anger made him sloppy, which was exactly what I was banking on. Fairies were some of the deadliest warriors around. I silently thanked The Kev again for my training. He was the most deadly of them all, evidenced by the way he was ripping through Fairy after Fairy as they tried to abduct Gemma. Ethan had killed his share and was headed for the nursery. With a quick nod and one last decapitation of a Fairy on his way out of the room he winked. God, he was hot. A man who could rip the head off a magical asshole and then make my panties wet while I was getting ready to kill a shit-eating immortal bully was a total keeper. That calmed me greatly. My son would be fine with his father and the old hags. I needed to off the rude dude and make sure Gemma escaped.

I closed my eyes and pulled magic from the darkest part of my soul. This was over. Now. The pain shot through my body like hot knives, carving up my insides. I jerked and convulsed as the black magic coursed through my system. The Fairy laughed. I glanced up through my agony and I smiled. That was the last thing he expected and it was the last thing he saw. My scream hurt my own ears, but the sound of popping Fairies was like soothing music. They didn't just drop and turn to dust. Nope, the beautiful monsters burst into sparking glitter and flames in every color of the rainbow. It was breathtakingly macabre. I had killed all the bad ones and thankfully not The Kev and Gemma.

"Astrid," Venus yelled frantically as she wrapped her body around mine. "Are you okay? Do you need blood? Gemma, come over here and give her blood."

Gemma shifted back to herself and pressed her wrist to my mouth. I bit down and drank.

"Pancakes?" I asked weakly.

"Yep, pancakes." Her smile did not reach her eyes, but her love for me was evident.

Anything my BFF ate, I could taste in her blood. Ice cream was one of the things I missed most about being human and my beautiful buddy made sure I still got my fill. It had come in tremendously handy when I was pregnant and craving pickles and Taco Bell bean burritos.

"They're gone," The Kev said with rage simmering in his voice. "Astrid, you've done well. Only two escaped."

"I missed two of them?" I asked, surprised.

"They had already run from the room," he answered with disgust. "I will find them and destroy them," he promised.

"Gemma, you have to go into hiding," I said as I sat up gingerly and took in the destruction of the room. The cleaning service was definitely going to quit.

"No, I won't hide. I have to…"

The sound of Ethan's roar sent chills up my spine and my stomach to my throat. I struggled to my feet and began to run. The pain in his voice ripped at my soul. I could not live without him. I felt him and his agony in every part of my body and in every corner of my mind.

He sat in the middle of the nursery with his head in his hands. Blood was everywhere and the remains of a Fairy that had been torn to bits were strewn across the room. The silence was deafening and I refused to take in what I was seeing…actually what I wasn't seeing.

"Where's Sammy?" My voice sounded far away and small. Ethan said nothing. His rage and fury filled the room.

"Did they take him?" The Kev ground out with barely contained fury.

Ethan still said nothing.

"Answer him," I screamed and got down in my Vampyre's face. "Answer me."

"When I was tearing that one apart," he said in a dead voice, "the other one took our child."

I stood and moved erratically around the room. This was not possible. This was not happening. The need to crawl out of my skin was immense. It felt like something had been torn out of me and I couldn't figure out what to do to get it back. There was no way I would survive if I didn't get it back.

"Martha? Jane?" I demanded. Were they dead? Was there a pile of ash in the room that used to be them? I got down on my hands and knees and searched. They drove me to insanity, but I needed them to be alive. They had to be alive. My hands were covered in blood and the remains of the dead Fairy as I crawled around and desperately hunted for any sign of the old imbeciles. Why couldn't I find them? Their scent lingered in the room. They had been angry and terrified. Where in the Hell were they?

"They latched themselves onto the Fairy and wouldn't let go. He had no choice but to take them too," Ethan said hollowly.

My laughter was inappropriate and it was loud. It bordered on hysterics. The old bags had gone with my son. Perfect and perfectly horrifying. They would protect him with their lives. I couldn't love them more right now—conservative torpedo tits and all. I finally saw some light at the end of a very dark tunnel.

"Where would they have taken him?" I demanded of The Kev.

"To Xanthia," he replied. "I'm sure they are in Xanthia."

"I'll trade myself," Gemma said forcefully. "I will cross over the bridge and give myself up for the return of Samuel."

"No," The Kev said harshly.

"My life is not as important as his," she shot back in a tortured voice I barely recognized. "I despise the Fairies and have no desire to be their Queen. I can't spend my immortality waiting to be murdered by one of my kind. At least this way I am in control of my death—there will be a reason for it. It's my choice. Trading my life for Samuel's is what I want."

I wanted to yell yes, but I was so confused I couldn't move. Guilt consumed me as I warred with myself. Was it my place to demand or condone my best friend's life for my son's? If this was what she wanted was it my place to say no? Fuck, my role as a mother wasn't meshing with my role as a friend. I wanted my son back and I wanted the closest thing to a sister that I had to be alive.

"Would they take me?" I asked. "Let me trade myself. The Fairies will have a very hard time killing me without the Sword of Death. I have a much better chance making it out alive with Samuel than Gemma does."

"They will not hurt a child while he is collateral, but they will kill Gemma on sight. "The Kev said. "Astrid, the Fairies will not want you—you mean nothing to them. Samuel will be safe for a while. If there is one thing I know it is that." The Kev looked devastated. He had waited lifetimes for Gemma. The simple fact that she would forfeit her life so easily was killing him.

"No one is dying," I said angrily, "except for the bastard who took my son and anyone who tries to stop me from getting him back. Period."

"Do they know what Samuel is?" Ethan demanded angrily as he stood up, motivated by revenge and fear for our child.

"I don't see how they could know. I would guess they have been watching us and had several plans in place. They would know Gemma's connection to Samuel and assume she would barter for his life. Even if they try to kill him, they can't. He's a True Immortal and as Astrid pointed out, they don't have the Sword of Death," The Kev explained as he took Gemma's hand and stared at her hard. "Gemma, you will go into hiding until this is taken care of."

She pulled away from The Kev and shook her head in frustration. "They will happily take me in exchange for Samuel," she said woodenly. "I will die happy if I know he is safe. They're going to kill me eventually…let me die for a real reason."

"The chances of them giving back the child are slim if they get what they want," The Kev said quietly.

"Your people are fucked up," I hissed.

"That is why I spend as much time as I do in your realm," The Kev replied sadly.

"And that's why I don't want to be their fucking Queen," Gemma said with a fury-laced voice.

I turned away. I had no time to feel compassion for anyone at the moment. I needed my anger to stay alive and raw. Martha and Jane would protect Sammy, but how long would the Fairies let the old Vamps live? Time was of the essence.

"We will go and get him back." I stood up and grabbed my mate's hand. "And we will kill every motherfucker that tries to stop us. Deal?"

Ethan looked at me. His love for me and Samuel was fierce and his pain radiated off of him in waves. "Yes, my love…it's a deal."

"I'll take you," The Kev said. "We will leave at nightfall. Call on the rest of the True Immortals. I'm calling in some favors. Get them here within the hour."

"Done," I said.

Half of my heart was gone, but focusing on a task was the only way I was going to survive. Moment to moment was how I would roll. My son needed me and I was going to bring him home…or die trying.

Chapter 7

Just remember the Fairies from fairytales are nothing like the real thing. In fact, it is recommended that parents avoid stories with Fairies in them all together. They are very attractive, violent, selfish, reality TV obsessed freaks. They are nothing like Tinkerbell. We would not want to give our children the wrong idea…

"You want me to go to Hell?" Gemma gasped as she stared daggers at The Kev.

"Yes, I do," The Kev said cautiously.

The mood in the ballroom was somber but the tension was thick. Ethan paced in agitation and The Kev backed slowly away from Gemma. Immortals of every variety peppered the room. Satan seemed to be the only one enjoying the ambience as he hummed a random tune. Everyone else sat silently and waited. As Gemma's ire mounted she began to shift to her dragon. Shit.

"Gemma, Hell's actually really nice. Well, not the Basement, but the main floor rocks. It looks a lot like Kentucky and you can play poker with Mr. Rogers," I said, trying to calm her before she became the size of an SUV and kneed The Kev's balls into his throat.

"You can stay in my bungalow," Dixie offered quickly. "It's much less creepy than the Dark Palace."

"I take offense to that," a pouty Satan said.

"Daddy, you know it's true. You have all kinds of shady Demons hanging out there, not to mention the soundtrack of Journey plays twenty-four seven," she said.

"Journey is the greatest band ever," Satan yelled and began to glow—a very bad sign.

Hells bells, we did not have time to witness a tantrum from the Devil over a band from the 1980s.

"Yep, Steven Perry is the fucking bomb and The Dark Palace is fabu in a garish, overblown, ostentatious, gaudy and colorful way," I said, hoping to calm the impending shitstorm. My Uncle Satan smiled and stopped glowing. Thank you, Cousin Jesus in a thong.

"She can come to Nirvana," Mother Nature offered grandly as her gossamer dress billowed around her, making her look like a deranged porcelain doll. "I can protect her. I'm wonderful at killing things."

"No," The Kev said firmly. "The only place Fairies won't go is Hell. She will be safest in Hell. Satan, I will owe you a favor in exchange for protecting my Queen." The Kev dropped to a knee before a delighted Satan and a shocked crowd.

"You really don't want to do that," Elijah, the Angel of Light, muttered as he watched The Kev in shock.

"Shut up, Angel," Satan snarled. "I'd be delighted for the most powerful Fairy in the universe to owe me a favor. You have my word. I will keep your Queen safe."

"And in return?" The Kev asked.

Satan paused thoughtfully. As the wheels of his diabolical mind turned, it was difficult to look away. "I'll get back to you on that," he purred.

The Kev was fucked, but he didn't seem to care one bit.

The scene in the ballroom held the same characters from the day before—except for Samuel. The atmosphere was grim and the furniture was still. I would have given anything to have blue skin at the moment.

"Who will go to Xanthia?" Hayden, the Angel of Death, asked.

"Ethan, The Kev and myself," I answered immediately. I noticed his surprised glance to Satan who shrugged.

"Darling," Mother Nature said, having also caught the exchanged look between the Devil and Angel of Death. "I think you should let Ethan and The Kev take care of this. You can stay with me and we'll torture your cousins, Lust, Greed and Envy. I have them in Nirvana for another six months."

I knew my grandmother was nuts, but stupid? "While torturing some of the Seven Deadly Sins is enormously appealing, I fail to see why you would think even for a brief moment why I wouldn't go after my son."

"Because if both of you die, the child will be an orphan," she explained. "Your grandfather and I don't transport together for that very reason."

My cute squishy grandpa nodded in agreement. "Kings and queens travel separately as do presidents and vice-residents."

"Well, that's lovely, but I'm fairly unkillable and I am going to get my son," I shot back. Were they insane? There was no way in Hell I wasn't going.

"Assbag," Pam, my ever-profane guardian angel chimed in, "there are a few potential problems with that fucking scenario."

"Care to enlighten me?" I snapped. Cryptic was not going to fly today.

"Demons can't go to Xanthia," Satan huffed indignantly. "There's some kind of spell that keeps us out. Which, quite honestly, is completely unfair considering I'll let the bastards into Hell."

"I do think that's rude," Mother Nature agreed. "Those Fairies think they're better than the rest of us. And yes, they are attractive, but I outshine all of them. That pisses The Corrine off." She giggled and tossed her shiny red locks seductively over her shoulder and adjusted her ample bosom.

Her ego knew no bounds. However, she was correct. Her beauty was just silly.

"What is The Corrine?" Dixie asked as she absently played with Samuel's baby blanket that I planned to take with me.

Staring at the soft material made my stomach lurch. We needed to get back to business and get the Hell out of here. Every second away from my son was one too many.

"She's a bitch," Mother Nature hissed. "She thinks she's in charge of Xanthia, but she is gravely mistaken. I could pole dance her sorry ass into the ground."

"Okay, that's great and has absolutely nothing to do with anything we're talking about," I muttered. I was not about to get into a discussion on pole dancing. "Why can't Demons go to Xanthia?"

"I would assume that's somewhat self explanatory, Assmunch," Pam said.

"Whatever," I said. "I'm only half Demon and if they took Sammy then I can enter too."

"Sammy is only a quarter Demon," The Kev said. "I have been in contact with a source in Xanthia. They are there and he is fine for now."

"Martha and Jane?" I asked.

"Fine, at the moment."

"What else do you know?" I demanded. Forget about Gemma—I was about to knee his nuts into his esophagus.

"Nothing," he said. "But the point is valid. I don't know what will happen if you cross over."

"Here's the deal," I ground out through clenched teeth as a black glitter mist I couldn't control began to cover my arms and chest. Everyone backed away except for Ethan, who took my hand and stood beside me. "I am half Vampyre and half Demon. I'm a True Immortal and I'm very fucking hard to kill. As long as Mr. Rogers has the Sword of Death locked down tight, no one or no land can kill me. And if any one of you can tell me you would sit on your ass and wait while the Fairies had your child, I'll be happy to hear it now. Otherwise, I'd suggest that if anyone has any information that would be helpful spit it out. We are leaving at nightfall. Period." My hair was flying around my head and sparks of fury flew from my fingertips. It took all I had not to blow up the ballroom and most of the people in it.

"That's my girl," Satan bellowed proudly. "Absolutely off her rocker."

"I come by it naturally," I snapped. "Info?"

"The Corrine is in charge. She is a Dark Fairy and a colossal ho-bag," Mother Nature said as she glanced over at Ethan and gave him the eyeball.

I stiffened and pulled my hand from my mate. "Did you pop The Corrine?" I demanded. My gorgeous mate was substantially older and far more experienced, but I was not in the mood for this. "And why in the Hell is she called The Corrine?"

"Any Fairy over two thousand years old takes The in front of their name. Clearly something I won't have to worry about since there is no way I'll live that long," Gemma said quietly.

"Yes, you will. That's only one thousand nine hundred and seventy years away. If I have to live that long you're not going anywhere," I said as I turned to my mate. "Did you bang this Corrine?"

"Um…" He looked incredibly uncomfortable and pulled me to the side of the room.

"Oh my God," I hissed as I let him drag me away from all the interested ears. "Until me, you had shitty taste in women. When was this?"

"Three hundred years ago when The Kev was training me. It was one time and it meant nothing," he said in a low tone meant only for me. However, we were in a room full of freaks who had supersonic hearing.

"It may have meant nothing to you, but from what I hear The Corrine still hasn't gotten over it," Satan added unhelpfully.

"Does she know she has Ethan's child?" I asked. Was there more to this than the Fairies wanting Gemma?

"I don't know," The Kev said. "From what I hear she is more focused on destroying Gemma so she can continue her reign of terror over Xanthia."

"So there are Dark Fairies," I said tightly as I walked away from Ethan. It was irrational that I was jealous of something he did hundreds of years ago, but reasonable behavior wasn't in my repertoire at the moment. "Are there Light Fairies?"

"Yes," The Kev said. "I am Light and at one time thousands of years ago, The Corrine was Light too. Now all of the Light Fairies have been imprisoned and the Dark have taken over."

"And that's why the skank wants Gemma dead," I concluded.

"Yep, Assburger," Pam said. "I always said you were smart no matter what everyone said about you." Her grin made me smile even though it was the last thing I wanted to do. My heart was breaking and my mind was jumbled, but Pam was Pam and I loved her.

"Anything else?" I asked as I took the baby blanket from Gemma and sniffed it.

"Fairies likey reality TV," Baby Demon Abe shouted.

"They do?"

"Ohhhhhh yesssssss," Beyonce said. "Me hear they have altar with candles to Jersey Shore and Bad Icky Housewives."

"For real?" I asked.

"Yes." The Kev sighed. "Fairies are somewhat obsessed with reality television. Strange but true."

"That's bizarre and probably not very useful." I rolled my eyes. "We need to get armed and leave."

"No weapons," The Kev said as he morphed before our eyes from David Hasselhoff to his breathtaking Fairy form. "They won't work there and chances are your magic will work differently. Ethan, how did it affect your magic when you were there?"

"It didn't," he said tightly.

"It clearly didn't affect your weenie either," I muttered.

"Weenie," Baby Demon Ross yelled. "Me have a weenie! You wanna see?"

"No," everyone yelled.

"Enough," Ethan said. "I don't like it, but Astrid will come with us. Elijah and Lucy will be back up. They have no Demon blood and can enter Xanthia if we need them."

"We can go with you now," Lucy said. "I don't care if Elijah wants to go or not, but I'm willing."

Elijah heaved a sigh and tried to get closer to Lucy. She was having none of it. "Lucy speaks for both of us. I would be honored to go and fight for Samuel."

"I speak for myself, not for you," she hissed under her breath.

"You've made that perfectly clear," he shot back.

"The fewer the better," The Kev cut in and ended the bickering. "We are more likely to be undetected if we are only three."

"Fine. Done," I said. "Thank you all for coming. We are going to get Samuel, Martha and Jane. I have no clue how long we will be gone, but we will succeed and we will be back."

"I'm feeling a little emotional," Pam said as she trapped me in a bear hug that I was sure had crushed a rib. "You be careful, Asshead. If you die I will fish your ass out of Hell and kick it."

"You think I'm going to Hell?" I asked as I unwedged myself and massaged my side.

"Heaven. Hell. Whatever," she groused. "I'll kick your ass good. You hear me?"

"I hear you." I grinned and glanced around the room. I had the most dysfunctional family imaginable, but they were mine and I loved them—even the Devil.

I watched as The Kev went to Gemma and kissed her with a passion that made me look away. He then delivered a reluctant Gemma to my Uncle Satan and they disappeared in a blast of black glitter and smoke. Slowly everyone took their leave and it was just the three of us.

"Astrid," Ethan said as his jaw worked and his hands clenched. "I'm worried about you going. I will not lose you."

"Ethan, I'm worried about going, but it would take Hell freezing over to keep me here."

He ran his hands through his hair and shook his head. "Very well. Shall we?"

The Kev nodded and I stepped forward.

"Yes," I said with more confidence than I was feeling. "We shall."

Chapter 8

Trips with children require planning and creativity. Nothing ever goes as planned and one can never be too prepared. Remember to wear clothing that is comfortable and washable. You never know what horrible stains you will get on your attire.

"We just walk over the bridge?" I asked, slightly shocked at how easy it looked.

We had travelled through two portals and I was fine. I was still in possession of my power and I was still in one piece. The Kev and Ethan kept constant watch over me, which was beginning to drive me nuts. The bridge was quite simple. Covered in ivy and pale pink flowers, it resembled something from a child's storybook. It looked to be about a quarter of a mile long. A glittering silver stream ran beneath it and colorful flocks of birds flew low and close to the water.

"It's beautiful," I said.

"Looks are very deceiving," The Kev said ominously. "Say your name."

"What?" I slapped my hands on my hips and gave him the eyeball.

"Name. Say it," he insisted. The Kev had stayed in his Fairy form. It was getting easier to look at him, but I did kind of miss David Hasselhoff. His beauty still gave me a slight headache, but I could make eye contact for short periods of time.

"My name is Astrid," I snapped.

"Your mate?"

I rolled my eyes. "My mate is Ethan. You are The Kev and a giant pain in my ass. We are going to Xanthia to get my son and two insane Vampyres back. I get to meet the skankass—The Corrine—who had sex with my man three hundred years ago. I plan to kill her so she doesn't come after Gemma, who is the True Queen of Xanthia. I will also take enormous pleasure in killing any fucking Fairy who tries to stop me from getting my son. Happy?"

"No, but short of holding Sammy in my arms, nothing will make me happy," he said. "Drink this."

The Kev produced two vials of an iridescent green liquid out of thin air and handed one to me and one to Ethan. I sniffed it and recoiled in disgust.

"Number one, we're Vamps. We can't really drink anything but blood without yacking it back up, and number two, this smells like ass," I informed an amused The Kev.

"You can drink it and I would highly suggest you do. It will make it possible for you to make eye contact with Fairies, which will confuse them as to what you are. It could buy us the time we need to get Sammy and the idiots back. Drink it."

Ethan didn't look any happier than I did about swallowing green stuff that smelled like a baboon butt, but he did it and I followed.

"Sweet baby Jesus in combat boots, that was fucking rank." I gagged and prayed I wouldn't throw it back up.

"What in the Hell was that?" Ethan asked hoarsely as he tried to keep it down.

"You really don't want to know," The Kev said as he took a rope and stake out of the pack he carried. He quickly pushed the stake into the ground and attached the rope in a knot so tight I was certain it would be there for eternity.

"What are you doing?" I asked as I bit down on my lip and sucked back some of my own blood to get the foul taste out of my mouth. My brain was whirling with guesses as to what we had just imbibed. Butt juice was at the top of my list, followed by a rancid prune juice mixed with formaldehyde.

"We will hold the rope as we cross. The weather will change drastically and the winds will be strong. The rope will secure us and we'll be able to stay together."

"Why can't we just fly or transport over?" I asked.

"Because that would be too easy," Ethan said, still coughing from the green shit we drank. "Nothing the Fairies do is simple. You will walk between The Kev and me. Hold tight to the rope and we'll be fine."

"Ready?" The Kev asked, looking more unsure than I'd ever seen him look. Ethan wasn't much better. My stomach churned from the green crap and everyone's fear for my existence. I knew I wasn't going to die, but a little voice in the back of my brain kept telling me there were far worse things than death.

"I'm ready," I said as I planted a big one on my mate and grabbed the rope. "Is Xanthia on the other side of the bridge?"

"No. We have a half day's journey once we reach the other side," The Kev said as he secured his pack and stared off into the horizon. "There's a cottage I know of that's safe. We will spend the night there and approach Xanthia in the morning. I have allies who will meet up with us tomorrow."

"You have allies on the Dark side?" Ethan asked as his eyes narrowed.

The Kev shrugged and grinned. "Just remember—looks are very deceiving. Let's go."

"I've been to Hell and back. How much worse can this be?" I wondered aloud as I grabbed the rope.

"You have no idea," I heard The Kev mutter under his breath.

The wind whipped up violently and I grasped the rope tighter in my hands. I closed my eyes and said a quick prayer to my relatives that I wouldn't be blown off the bridge. I had the most important mission of my life and no wind was going to stop me. However, the flock of frightened birds flying at my head might have a shot.

"Astrid, duck!" Ethan shouted as the flying menaces dive-bombed us.

I shifted and dropped, but I was a second too late. Colored feathers blinded me and the world went black.

***

What the heck? Was I blind or had someone super-glued my eyes shut? Why would someone do that? My body ached like I'd been in a fight with a freakin' brick wall and my head was pounding like a motherhumper. Where was I? Wait…who was I? Shoot, this was bad. I know I'm a girl and I think I have brown hair. Oh my goodness, was I in an accident? Do I have amnesia? Why are my eyes stuck shut?

"Is she awake?" a worried male voice asked.

"No, not yet," another answered. "But at least she's alive."

"Alive as a dead person can be." The first one chuckled and the second one joined him.

"She's definitely hard to kill."

"Thank God for that."

"Do you need blood?"

"No, I can wait until she wakes up."

Um…what kind of conversation was that? What does someone need blood for? Some kind of sicko ritual? Was I going to be sacrificed? God, I had to stop drinking hard liquor. Thankfully, I heard them leave the room. Where was I? And who were they?

Think. Think. Think.

I'm hard to kill…they called me a dead person…and they wanted my blood. Buttholes, these kidnappers were definitely going to kill me.

Clearly they'd already tried, but I must have fought back—good for me. Why in the poop were they happy I was difficult to kill? Were they sadists?

Crapcrapcrappycrap. This was bad.

I'd stay as quiet as a mouse and wait the murdering jerks out. They seemed hesitant to finish the job while I was passed out. That was psychotic. Surely they'd have to use the facilities or go get some food…then I'd escape. Yep, I'd escape or I could kill them and then escape.

Whoa, where the heck did that come from? I can't kill anyone. That was wrong and illegal and would make me no better than the horrible men who'd kidnapped me and tried to murder me. Plus, I seemed to be severely hung over.

How does this always happen to me? Wait…has this ever happened to me? I don't even know who "me" is.

Poop on a stick, I need to think…name. What's my name? Why don't I know my name?

"She's moving," the one with a voice like silk said. He had an exceptionally sexy voice for a serial killer. "Astrid? Can you hear me?"

Astrid? My name is Astrid? That doesn't sound right at all. Maybe they kidnapped the wrong girl. If I could just move my lips and open my dang eyes, I could tell them and then I could go home to, um…wherever I lived.

Hmmm…I wonder if they'll tell me where they abducted me from. Is that a weird question to ask? Probably. I suppose I could just find a policeman and ask him to take my fingerprints to figure out my identity.

Slowly I opened one eye and shut it immediately. Who knew serial killers were so freakin' hot? This was so unfair. The best looking man and the second best looking man I'd ever seen were staring at me. Did they want me to be conscious for my death?

"Astrid, I saw you," the sexiest one said with amusement in his voice.

These dudes were pure evil. What was this? Be nice to the victim before you axe murder her? Awesome. It would figure I wanted to have intercourse with the instrument of my death. Well, not both of them, only the one who smelled so good and was invading my personal space…Balls.

If I was going to die I was not going to go quietly. Summoning what little strength I had I sat up and scooted away from the killers.

"Stay back," I hissed as I crawled towards what I hoped was a door. My vision was still a little fuzzy.

"Astrid, come back here, baby," the stupidly pretty one said.

"Are you crazy?" I yelled. "If you think I'm gonna make it easy for you to kill me and then bathe yourself in my blood, you've got another thing coming, buster."

"Oh shit," I heard the sexy one say as I banged my head on a table.

Who in the heck puts a dangitydangdang table where a door is supposed to be?

"What's wrong with her?" Mr. Sexy Voice asked.

"Well," the other dorko said, "it seems that she might have lost her memory."

"Ya think?" I shouted as I rubbed the knot that was forming on my forehead from my unfortunate interaction with the table. "You two just stay where you are and no one will get hurt. I have rabies and I'll bite you." That probably wasn't the smartest thing I could have said, considering my eyes were still half shut and I'd just crashed into a table, but it was the only thing I could think of.

They both stared at me with wide eyes and open mouths…maybe the rabies thing worked.

"Astrid, calm down," the big pretty one who I didn't want to suck face with said carefully. "We're not going to hurt you. We're your friends."

"Right," I snapped. "Friends don't want to kill friends, Mister Big Dude. I heard you talking, so that nice poop isn't going to fly."

"Oh my God," the one I would have dated if he wasn’t a murdering turd knocker said. "Astrid, you need…"

"Okay, here's the deal. I am at least ninety seven and a half percent sure my name is not Astrid. Clearly you've kidnapped the wrong girl. So if you'll just back off and let me leave, I won't go to the police. Deal?"

They were speechless. I didn't take that as a good sign.

"Oh, and if you could tell me where I live that would be helpful."

Still speechless.

I stared at them and realized my great surprise, I wasn't afraid of them. What was wrong with me? Did I have no self-preservation instincts at all? It was difficult to take my eyes off of the one who smelled like Heaven. His jeans hugged his rear end like a glove and the long sleeve t-shirt made my mouth water. I had to assume the bump on my head had rattled my brain because I'd clearly lost it. Only someone with a death wish would be eyeing her captor like he was a steak.

"This is a clusterfuck," my would-be killer boyfriend muttered as he ran his hands through his hair in frustration.

"There is no need for potty language," I snapped. "You might want to kill me and that's fine…actually, it's not fine because you have the wrong girl, but I will not tolerate a filthy mouth. Do you understand?"

"We have a little problem here," the big guy said as he paled considerably.

"Ya think?" Pretty Boy ground out. "What do we do about this?"

The big one shook his head and dropped down on the couch in defeat. "I have no clue. None whatsoever."

Chapter 9

Honesty is always the best policy. However, honesty is not always appreciated. When answering your child's most difficult questions, make sure you only answer the question that was asked. More information is oftentimes not helpful and occasionally leads to hospitalization of the parent. ‘Nuff said.

I was no longer scared of my kidnappers at all. With every fiber of my being I knew they meant me no harm. I actually felt sorry for them. They were insane and pathetic.

"Let me get this straight," I said as I tried desperately to stifle my laughter. "You think you're a Vampyre and you think you're a Fairy?"

"Yes," the one who called himself Ethan said. "And you're half Vampyre and half Demon."

"Riiiight." I nodded and tried to gauge how far away the door was. These dudes were either on drugs or they'd escaped from the loony bin. "I get how you'd want to be a Vampyre with Twilight and True Blood and all, but you…" I pointed at the big guy who called himself The Kev. "I would have never guessed that you were gay. Not that I have any problem with anyone's sexuality, but you just do not register on my gaydar at all."

"I'm not gay," he said. "I'm a Fairy."

"How's that different than gay?" I asked, completely confused.

"I have wings and can do magic," The Kev explained.

"And I can shoot laser beams from my fingertips," I shot back sarcastically.

"Actually, you can," Ethan mumbled.

I snorted and rolled my eyes. "This has been really fun and extremely informative in a bizarrely alarming way, but I have to go. So if you guys wouldn't mind telling me where you abducted me from I'll just be on my way."

"What would you suggest we do next?" Ethan asked The Kev as his jaw worked in frustration. Dang, that was hot. "Explaining doesn't seem to be working."

"Show her?" The Kev suggested.

"Guys." I put my hands up. "This is getting embarrassing…for you. Maybe you should just cut your losses and let me go. I swear to God that I won't tell anyone."

"He's your uncle," Ethan informed me.

"Who's my uncle?" I asked.

"God is your uncle."

"I'm outta here," I said as I made a run for the door.

"Show her," The Kev bellowed so loudly I stopped and glanced back at the whackos.

Ethan shrugged and produced an evil looking set of fangs. I was too shocked to run. He was hotter than heck and made the blond dude from True Blood look like a weenie.

"Oh my God," I gasped. "That's amazing! I can't believe you could find a dentist that would file your teeth like that." They really did look like fangs. "I know you're into the whole Vampyre thingie, but I think you're gonna regret doing that some day."

I shook my head and wondered what he had paid to get that done. As amusing and harmless as these two dudes seemed, I needed to leave. However, I was kind of curious how else they had mutilated themselves. "Can you guys do anything else?"

"She doesn't understand," Ethan said in utter disbelief.

The Kev sighed heavily and looked up at the ceiling for a long moment. All of a sudden the room shook and the most gorgeous set of silver wings exploded from his back. Ethan raised his hands and flung them. A mist of golden glitter flew from his fingertips and a gentle breeze began to flow through the room. His eyes went from a beautiful gold color to a sparkling green, which made my lady bits jump to attention. Did I have Stockholm syndrome? Why I was attracted to my kidnapper? Was I still drunk?

Because none of what I was seeing was even remotely possible.

Something clicked in my head and I sat down on the couch with a thud. This was insane, but I was fairly sure they were telling the truth…or at least part of the truth. How was this possible? I wanted to believe they were deranged magicians, but the logical—or drunk—part of my brain rejected that theory.

"I'm dreaming," I mumbled. "This has to be a bad dream or a screwed up drug trip."

"It's the truth," The Kev said "And there's not much time for us to convince you."

"Why?" I demanded.

"Do you really not know?" he asked gravely.

My stomach clenched and a shiver skittered up my spine. Something was off and I needed desperately to remember. "I'm still not really buying the I'm a Vampyre and I'm a Fairy crap, but I know I'm here for a reason. I just can't remember," I whispered. "I think it's important, but I can't remember."

"Should we tell her?" Ethan asked as he squatted down in front of me and watched me intently.

His gaze made me uncomfortably hot. He was entirely too handsome for his own good.

"No," the Kev said. "She has to remember or she won't believe it. We have a little time. Let her be, Ethan."

Ethan's head whipped to The Kev in fury. I cringed a little at his ire. "We don't have any more fucking time," he hissed.

"What did I tell you about the potty language?" I yelled and slapped my hands over my ears. "You will not speak that way in front of me or I really will leave. I can put up with sharp canines and goofy wings, but I will not tolerate filthy language."

"This is bad," The Kev said. He watched me like a person watches a bad car wreck. He couldn't look away.

"What?" I demanded. "What's the problem here?"

"You normally have a mouth like a sailor," The Kev said, as he backed away just in case I launched myself at him.

"Nope, I refuse to believe that poop. I am a nice girl. I'm still not convinced my name is Astrid, but I'll answer to it until I can remember what my real name is. Also…" I eyed the hotter than sin Ethan. "You need to stay away from me. I find you redonkulously appealing and I'm pretty sure I'm already married with kids. I do not cheat."

"Um, okay," Ethan said as he choked back what I thought might be laughter. "I will respect that."

"Am I?" I demanded.

"Are you what?" he asked as his eyes sparkled even greener, which made me have to slam my legs shut and sit on my hands so I didn't reach out to him.

I rolled my eyes and then closed them tight so I could block him and his sexy face out. "Am I married with children?"

"Not exactly," he hedged.

"How does that make sense?" I asked with my eyes still sealed shut.

"You have someone in your life and you do have a child," he said cautiously.

"Horse caca, I would never have a child out of wedlock. I'm not that kind of girl."

The Kev ran from the room. It sounded like he was choking on his own spit. Ethan bit down on his own lip so hard he drew blood. My stomach rumbled and I turned away in disgust. I was not a Vampyre or a Demon. I did not want to suck the blood from his mouth and I did not want to strip him and lick every inch of his hot bod. Nope. I did not. At all. Ever. Not even a little bit. No way—no how.

Buttholes…yes I did. I wanted it so bad it physically hurt.

"Enough," I sputtered to myself more than my kooky captors as I stood. "We need to find the baby we're after and get out of here."

Wait. What? My knees buckled and I dropped like a sack of potatoes to the floor. My gut clenched in excruciating pain and my head pounded. I remembered. We had come here to save someone's baby. He was a beautiful child and he was in danger. Ethan froze and The Kev came barreling back into the room.

"You remember?" The Kev asked.

"Some." I nodded. "We are here to save a child. He's in danger and he's important to a lot of people," I said slowly.

"Who is he important to?" Ethan demanded as The Kev gave him a look.

"I don't know," I whispered and wanted to cry. "Can you tell me?"

"No," The Kev said harshly. "You have to remember on your own or none of this will work. It will fall apart and the child will be doomed."

"Pressure much?" I snapped. "What's with all the doomed junk? You're making it sound like the world could end."

Both men just stared at me and said nothing. My stomach dropped to my toes and I wanted to puke. A small part of my brain explained to me that Vampyres couldn't hurl, but I was still not ready to accept that I was an undead creature of the night…not to mention a flesh-eating Demon. Poopitycrap. Could my life get any more screwed up?

Yes. The answer was yes.

"She can be told part of her history. It might jog her memory, but nothing of the present—including who we are to her. She must find that herself," The Kev stated and then left the room again.

Ethan pinched the bridge of his perfect nose and sat down in a chair across the room from me. I wanted to beg him to sit next to me, but I figured my husband might not like that. I was kind of quite sure that I was married to a human man. Why would I have done that if I was a Demon /Vampyre? Maybe because humans had yummy blood? Gross. What was wrong with me? I did not drink blood and I was not a Demon/Vampyre.

"Alright, Pretty Boy, spit it out."

"You're going to find most of it very hard to swallow," he said with a raised eyebrow that was so sexy I shut my eyes again.

"Harder than your fangs and The Kev's wings?"

"Much."

"Awesome." I grinned and moaned. "Tell me my story."

"You asked for it, Astrid," he said as he sat forward and steepled his long fingers beneath his chin.

"You are correct, Ethan. I did. Now talk."

***

An hour later I was speechless. This felt alien to me, but I had no words. I was back to thinking I was on heavy drugs, completely drunk or caught in a massive nightmare that felt like real life. I pressed on my temples to ward off what felt like a migraine coming on.

"Have you been smoking crack?" I asked Ethan weakly. "Because it sounded more like a drug trip instead of background info."

"No—no crack." His smile was grim and his body was tense.

"Let me get this straight. Satan and God are brothers, and also my uncles. Mother Nature who likes to pole dance, can't cook, and has a deadly temper is my grandmother. I am something called a True Immortal which means I can only be killed with the Sword of Death, but I don't have to worry about it because it's being guarded by Mr. Rogers. The same Mr. Rogers I watched on TV as a child. The one who changed into his tennis shoes and cardigan and sang about being my freakin' neighbor."

I knew my voice was getting thin and shrill, but this was simply too much.

"And now you're telling me he plays poker in Hell with Satan and Hemingway and most of them cheat?" I yelled.

"Um…yes."

I got up and began pacing the room. Immediately I felt calmer. Movement—movement let me think more clearly. "My cousins are the Seven Deadly Sins and my job in this world is Compassion? This is very hard to believe—very hard."

"I suppose it does sound a little odd," Ethan admitted generously.

"Odd?" I shouted. "You think that pile of bull poopy you just fed me sounds odd? I am supposed to believe I'm a Vampyre/ Demon with insane powers? I have immortal relatives who put the D in dysfunctional? I can pop bad guys? Literally pop them? That is freakin' gross. I am a pacifist…I think…but you're telling me I'm a cold-blooded killing machine. I'm having a teeny-weeny identity crisis at the moment. Yet the worst thing is, even though I know I'm married, I want to jump you so bad I can barely see straight. This is a problem. I am not a skank and I will not indulge in extramarital affairs, even if my hoohoo wants to."

"I think your husband would understand under the circumstances," Ethan said as he watched me like a predator watches prey.

"You have some nerve, Mr. No-Morals. Just because my va-jay-jay is on fire does not mean I will cheat on my husband, whoever he is. And why in the heck didn't he come with me—or is he too wimpy to go on a deadly mission?"

Ethan refused to comment, which made me think my husband was a wimp. None of this was making any sense, but in a totally farked up way, it was making a sorry butt load of sense. I needed to push my all-consuming attraction for the Vampyre to the far recesses of my horny brain and get some more information.

"Was I ever human? Not that I'm buying all this malarkey yet, but I'm curious," I said slowly.

"Yes," he answered with a hopeful look in his eyes.

"How old am I?"

"You're thirty."

"How old are you?"

He paused and grimaced. "I'm five hundred and twenty-two."

Well, that was just ridiculous. I was attracted to a dude who was alive during the Civil War? "Look Ethan, I am beginning to believe some of this, but you have to agree it's a lot to take in."

He nodded and stayed silent.

"Where are my fangs?" I asked as I poked around in my mouth.

"Are you hungry?" he asked.

"I don't know," I lied as my stomach rumbled loudly.

"Come here." His voice was soft and commanding. I wanted nothing more than to throw myself at him and sink my teeth into the smooth sexy skin of his neck. Not happening.

"No," I whispered. "I can't."

"Why not?" His eyes had gone green again and his fangs had dropped, sending my lady parts into a tailspin.

"It's just a really bad idea," I choked out as I felt something sharp in my mouth. "Oh my God. I have fangs."

"You do," he agreed as he approached me.

"Back off," I warned as I moved toward the door.

He froze and a look of anguish passed across his face. I didn't want to hurt him. I was so confused it made me shake.

"The Kev," he yelled harshly. "Get in here. Astrid needs to feed."

The Kev appeared looking concerned. "What about you?" he asked Ethan.

"I can wait," he said tersely and left the room.

"Sorry," I mumbled as I dropped back down on the couch. "He's a little intense."

"That he is." The Kev grinned and sat down next to me.

He was almost as pretty as Ethan, but I had no desire to ride him until he was blind. What in the heck was happening to me? My stomach rumbled loudly and I winced in embarrassment. "Um…what do we do here?" I asked.

"I will give you my wrist. You will bite down and drink," he answered as logically as if I'd asked him about the weather.

"Will it hurt you?"

"No, my little krumecaca. It will not hurt me at all."

"I remember that," I gasped and took his large hand in mine and winced slightly at the pain in my head. "I remember that name."

"Do you remember anything else?"

"No," I whispered dejectedly. "Not yet."

"You will. I promise you will."

He put his wrist gently to my mouth and I glanced at him timidly. "Are you sure this won't hurt? Will you stop me if I take too much?"

"It won't hurt and you can't take too much. I am a Fairy. My blood regenerates immediately. Please, drink."

Strangely, I felt as if I was cheating on the Vampyre. How ridiculous was that? At least I knew now what I was even if I didn't buy that my name was Astrid. I felt like a Melissa or a Kellie. Whatever. The Kev wanted me to drink and I would. Maybe if I was stronger I would regain my memory—or maybe not. I could still help them get the child back and possibly when I was reunited with my husband and my own child or children I would remember…

With a shudder of worry for The Kev, I opened my mouth and sank my fangs into his wrist. His blood was sweet and delicious and ran with ease down my parched throat. I purred as I drank and my eyelids grew heavy. I'd just drink a bit more and then I'd take a quick nap.

That sounded like an awesome plan.

Chapter 10

Little pitchers have big ears. It's best to remember if you don't want your child to hear what you say, just don't say it because your child will repeat it at school. This is a fact.

"She's a liability if she can't remember who she is," Ethan said wearily. "She'll have to stay here."

I kept my eyes closed and feigned sleep so they would keep talking.

"I agree with you," The Kev said quietly. "I will have some allies come to the cottage this morning to protect her and we will leave within the hour."

Apparently I'd slept through the night. That was probably good. Today was a new day and these boys were sadly mistaken if they thought I wasn't coming with them. I might not know my name, but I now firmly believed I was a Vampyre/Demon. I wasn't real clear on what I could do, but I was convinced that riding by the seat of my pants would work out just fine. The idea sat well and I figured it was what I'd always done. Plus, I felt an irrational need to find the child. I had no real clue why, but the minute I said it, I knew it was imperative that I find him. No sexy Vamp or sweet Fairy would stop me. Nope, nothing would stop me.

"How will this work? Ethan asked.

"No one knows we're here. From what my sources tell me the Dark Fairies are hosting a large reality show competition and it's chaos in Xanthia."

"Do you realize how ridiculous that sounds?" Ethan inquired.

I couldn't agree more.

"Yes. Yes, I do. However, it will work to our advantage. My sources…"

"Who are your sources" Ethan asked tightly.

The Kev stayed mute and I felt the tension rise.

"Are they Dark or Light?" he demanded.

"They are somewhere in between," The Kev said. "I have known The Reggie and The Henry for thousands of years. They want The Corrine gone as much as I do."

"About that," Ethan stated.

"You will be used as a distraction," The Kev said firmly. "It's probably a good thing that Astrid remembers nothing. I don't think she would be on board with this plan."

What was he talking about? Who was The Corrine and what sort of distraction was Ethan going to provide? I was dying to open my eyes and bust the dorks, but satisfaction in the short run wasn't going to help me win in the long haul. My goal was that baby. Period.

However, if the hot Vampyre thought I would be fine with him using sex to distract the Corrine chick, he had another thing coming. Wait. Why did I even care where the dead dude put his wiener? I was married to a guy named…dangit, why couldn't I remember my husband's name? I knew I had one…I think. The Vampyre could do whatever he wanted with whomever he wanted. I just did not want to see it. I knew if I did I would remove his Johnson and destroy the woman.

"Does The Corrine know the child is mine?" Ethan asked.

Whoa Betty, the Vampyre had a kid? It took all I had not to open my eyes and deck Ethan. That married douche canoe had been flirting with me and now I find out he's a daddy? First off, I didn't think dead people could reproduce, and if he had a kid that meant he had a wife. Balls. His wife was probably beautiful and perfect and human. How else could he have a child? Right? That's why my husband had to be human if I had some children. How many rugrats did I have and why in the Hell couldn't I remember them? Whoops, I meant heck—not Hell. Actually, Hell wasn't really a bad word. It was a place and apparently my uncle ran it. That was just heinous.

"The Corrine and the rest of the ruling Dark Fairies believe the child is Gemma's."

"Clearly they need some better intel," Ethan hissed. "Can they not tell that the child is Demon and Vampyre?"

"No, which makes me think Samuel is smarter than we think. He may have cloaked his essence. Maybe Martha and Jane guided him," The Kev said skeptically.

I peeked through one eyeball and saw the glare of disbelief and disgust that Ethan threw The Kev.

"It's just a theory," he grunted. "And yes, I was their best intel, but I am no longer theirs."

"You do realize this is about getting Samuel back—not avenging the attack on Gemma," Ethan said in a deadly quiet voice.

"They are one and the same," The Kev said just as quietly and equally as deadly. "I will be focused on my godchild and the semi-worthless Vampyres, but I will make sure the threat to my mate is eliminated."

"Just so we're clear what the priority is," Ethan said tersely.

"We are very clear," The Kev replied.

My head was spinning and I was dying to ask some pointed questions, but then I would blow my cover. Monkeypoop. There was too much information to file away…I was here to save a baby named Samuel, which was a lovely name. He was Ethan's child, which meant the sexy jack off was married. Bummer. However, I was apparently married with four or six children—to a human no less. Wait…did they tell me that or did I pull that one out of my rear?

Whatever.

It sounded like there were more Vampyres here to save—Martha and Jane. Was one of them Ethan's wife? Or girlfriend? Were they connected to Samuel? Apparently The Kev had a mate named Gemma. Gemma was beautiful, powerful and my best friend since I was a little girl. She could read auras and had unwillingly and unwittingly become the reincarnated Queen of the Fairies and all of the Dark Fairies wanted her dead.

"Sweet Baby Jesus in a schoolgirl uniform," I shouted and scared a life or two out of Ethan and The Kev. "Gemma is my best friend."

The men stared at me and waited.

"Am I right?" I demanded.

"You are," Ethan said as he watched me closely. "What else do you remember?"

If I was believable, they would let me go with them. If not I would be stuck here. Of course I didn't plan to be stuck anywhere. When The Kev had mentioned the possibility that the baby had cloaked himself, I knew in my bones what that meant. I could render myself invisible and go wherever the Hell I wanted. I had decided to add the word Hell to my vocabulary. It was a place, after all.

"Well, um…you're the father of Samuel," I said, simply regurgitating the facts I'd just heard.

"And who is his mother?" he asked in a terse voice as his eyes narrowed and his fangs dropped. Why in the Hell was that so hot?

"Your human wife, I would imagine," I snapped, irrationally angry and jealous over a woman I didn't know.

"What's her name?" he demanded.

"Um…Martha or Jane?" I made a semi-educated guess. His bark of laughter was so sexy I groaned. Hopefully he wasn't a neighbor back where we were all from…wherever the Hell that was.

"No Astrid, neither Martha nor Jane are my wife. They are my subjects, but that is all."

"What, are you some kind of prince or something?"

"Or something," he muttered cryptically.

"Do you recall anything else?" The Kev asked. "Not anything you overheard." He raised an eyebrow and gave me a look. "Something you actually remember."

"No. Things are coming back to me in pieces. And just so you know I am not staying here with The Reggie and The Henry."

"Actually, you are," Ethan said as he crossed his arms over his chest, daring me to challenge him. "You can't be trusted until you remember everything."

"Dude, I am far more trustworthy than you are. I'm not the married sex god hitting on the amnesia victim," I spat.

"You think I'm a sex god?" His smirk made my toes curl and my panties wet. However, I was also tempted to smack the grin off his face.

"No, I think you're a pig." I froze and gasped like I'd seen a ghost. An uncomfortable and slightly painful feeling of déjà vu settled in my gut. "Have I called you a pig before?" I whispered.

"Twice in the last few days as I recall," he said carefully as he glanced in frustration at The Kev.

"She has to find it on her own," The Kev said. "Too much too soon could destroy her."

"Call The Reggie and The Henry and tell them to take the day off. I'm coming with you."

The Kev grinned and Ethan swore, but I knew I'd won. I liked winning. Always.

***

The Reggie and The Henry did not take the day off. Nope, they came over for a play date. As we trudged through the dense forest on the outskirts of Xanthia their monosyllabic replies to all questions began to grate on my last nerve.

"If we're all freakin' magical mythical creatures, why in the Hell are we walking? Can't we fly or run like cheetahs or something less boring?" I griped.

"I thought you didn't swear." Ethan's eyebrow shot up and he chuckled.

"I don't," I shot back. "Hell is a place, not a potty word, dorkwad."

"No name calling, children," The Kev said. "We are getting close. When the forest ends, stay at the tree line. We are being met by The Bob and The Gus."

Holding back my laughter was impossible. "The Bob and The Gus? Oh my Hell on a stick, you Fairies have some very un-Fairy-like names."

"Our real names are unpronounceable to a lesser being like yourself," The Reggie said in a snippy voice. He was beyond gorgeous, but his personality shot his looks to Hell.

"Really? Tell me your real name," I challenged.

He glared at me and made a rude sound.

"Wow. That sounded like a burp or a fart," I cooed sweetly as I watched him turn a rather unbecoming shade of red. "No wonder you go by The Reggie."

"That's not my name," he said haughtily. "My name is Reggquaranafloopiemoomawompus."

"Hmmm…I'd go with the fart sound if I were you, Reggquaranafloopiemoomawompus," I shot back. His dumbfounded stare was delightful. I had no clue how I was able to throw the horrid name back at him, but I wasn't going to question my brilliance—or my luck.

"Enough," The Kev warned as we approached the tree line. "Thank you The Reggie and The Henry. When we meet again we will not speak of this. It is dangerous for you to be seen with me and I will not let you risk your lives."

"We have no lives, my liege," The Henry said respectfully. "We have waited centuries for your return with our true Queen and we can't wait much longer. The Corrine is systematically killing off the Light."

"Which is why you are brave to have pretended to be Dark," The Kev said. "We are here to take back what does not belong to her and that includes her reign."

"We have an understanding," Ethan ground out furiously.

The Reggie and The Henry tensed and took defensive stances against my Vampyre. Holy Hell, he wasn't my Vampyre…I had to stop thinking that way.

"Stand down," The Kev commanded The Reggie and The Henry. "We do have an understanding. However, the understanding might not work unless the ruler falls."

"Two birds—one stone?" I asked, keeping a close eye on the strange parties in our little group. One move toward the butthole sexy Vampyre and I would wipe the Fairies off the face of the earth.

"Something like that," The Kev said as he watched the players as closely as I did.

I felt sure The Kev would keep the peace so I moved my gaze to the field and the city beyond. My mouth dropped open and I gaped. The field was unbelievable—long grasses with explosions of flowers for miles. The colors were riotous and tiny silver and gold birds darted in and out of the flora and fauna. I had never seen anything like it. However, it was what lay beyond that really stole my ability to speak.

"What the Hell?" I muttered as I squinted, trying to make sense of what I was seeing. It couldn't possibly be…

"What's wrong?" The Henry barked as he took a defensive stance and knocked me to the ground behind him.

"Don't touch her," Ethan hissed as he took The Henry in a chokehold and prepared to tear his head off.

Crapballs. "No," I yelled from my unladylike clump on the ground. Thank God I was wearing pants, super-cool Doc Maarten combat boots and a rocking hot tight black t-shirt. I wouldn't want to show my privates to strangers.

"No danger," I choked out as I tried to regain my balance. The Henry had one Hell of a wallop.

"What happened?" Ethan demanded as he gently helped me to my feet and brushed the dirt from my pants.

A tingle shot through me as his hand brushed mine. My eyes turned green and my fangs descended. Poopycrappypoop, this was going to become an issue if he was near. I pushed him away and gathered myself. He was dangerous to my morality and my lady parts. From the grin on his face, he knew exactly what was going on in my rattled brain. What a turdwanker.

"Nothing happened," I bit out and put some more space between us. "I was just shocked, appalled, astonished and the list goes on that Xanthia looks like a freakin' amusement park."

The Reggie and The Henry looked insulted and The Kev simply laughed. "That's because it is," The Kev said. "At the moment the funhouse is not fun, but we are here to rectify that."

"An amusement park? Really?" I asked. Fairies were whacked.

"What did you expect?" The Kev was delighted with my response. "My disguises tend to be cheesy stars from the 1980s. Doesn't it make sense that I would have been raised in a deranged carnival?"

"So that's why you chose Arnold Schwarzenegger and David Hasselhoff?" I asked…and then doubled over in pain as more pieces of my past came to light. "Oh my Hell, it hurts to remember."

"What is wrong with her?" The Reggie demanded with disgust. "We can have no weak links on this mission."

"I'm not a weak link, weenie-breath," I snapped as I stood back up and glared. "I'm a deadly weapon with a few missing parts at the moment. If you insult me again, I will practice my unknown skills on your Fairy hiney."

"My hiney?" The Reggie sneered.

I'd had enough of his bad ‘tude and condescending manner. Without having any clue what would happen, I lifted my hand and flicked my fingers at the rude jerk. Much to my shock and The Reggie's a fine glittering peach mist flew at him so quickly he had no time to duck. He gasped, cried out and fell to the ground with a thud.

"Oh my God, what did I do?" I yelled as I ran over to the nasty Fairy.

"At least you didn't pop him," Ethan muttered. His long strides carried him to the spot where the Fairy writhed and swore on the ground.

"Whoops." I cringed as I took in what I had done. The Reggie now looked like The Regina—double-E boobs and all. His once closely cropped black hair was now a mass of shiny ebony curls and his makeup was flawless. However, his outfit was rather alarming—hot pink booty shorts and a bra top that made his boobs look like weapons. His scream of terror and fury almost made me cower. Almost.

"Change me back," he ground out through clenched teeth as The Henry stood by and tried not to laugh. "Now."

"Say please." I grinned as I took in my handiwork. Hells bells, I had no clue how to undo what I had just done.

"Please," he snapped.

"Nicer," I told him, buying time before I had to admit he might be stuck as The Regina with the ginormous rack for eternity.

Sucking in a huge amount of air through his nose and blowing it out slowly through his mouth, he got to his feet and turned to me. "Please," he begged as he pathetically pushed his wild locks out of his eyes. "Please change me back."

His tone was nice even though he looked like he still wanted to kill me. I didn't think he would—at least not until I magically altered him. The Henry was enjoying himself a little too much for my pleasure and I was starting to feel guilty about The Reggie—especially his bosom. Those knockers were horrible. If I couldn't remove them, he would have to get custom bras made and live with backaches the rest of his immortal life. Um…cowballs, what should I do?

Come clean that I had no clue what I was doing? Or try to restore him?

Decisions sucked. If I was going to be of any use here, I needed to step up my game. If I couldn't undo a spell that changed a man to a woman, then how could I be useful in saving Ethan's baby and his concubines, Martha and Jane? With a quick shake of my head to clear my thoughts I flicked my fingers again. I prayed to my Uncle God, I wouldn't turn The Reggie into a toad or a monster or something worse—like a woman with even bigger hooters.

I flicked my fingers a second time, then closed my eyes and waited. If I screwed up I was sure The Reggie would exact his revenge with his fists. If I was successful then maybe he wouldn't be such a butthonk to me. Certainly I would have put the fear of grossly overblown boobs into his head and he would be more pleasant. Or…

"Very good, Astrid." The Kev said, congratulating me.

I opened my eyes slowly. The Reggie was back to his gorgeous self. My body sagged with relief.

"You had no idea what you were doing, did you?" The Reggie asked as he paled and checked his body for abnormalities.

"Um…nope." I grinned and shrugged. "However, I would suggest staying on my good side. If that's what happens when I'm winging it, no telling what will happen when I get my memory back."

"So noted," The Reggie said as he backed away from me in either awe or fear.

Whatever. As long as he wasn't crawling up my backside with his snarky rudeness I didn't care.

"If she gets her memory back," The Henry added.

"She will get her memory back," Ethan snapped to a suddenly contrite The Henry. I was sure he didn't want his head removed by an irate Vampyre.

The Kev said nothing, which was worrisome. Was there a chance I would never get my mind back? That was unacceptable. It would devastate my human husband and would scar my ten children. Ten? Did I have ten? Why in the Hell would I ever have agreed to ten children? That husband of mine, whatever his name was, was going to have some freakin' explaining to do.

"So what's the plan?" I asked. We needed to get the show on the road.

"Who's your favorite female singer?" The Kev inquired as he conjured vials of liquid out of thin air.

"Um…I like Pink," I answered.

"Ethan?" he asked.

"Alive or dead?"

"Alive would be preferable," The Kev said. He shook the vials and whispered in some unidentifiable language over them.

"I enjoy Adam Levine," Ethan said. It amazed me that a five-hundred and twenty-two–year-old Vamp still kept up with pop culture.

"That won't do," The Kev said. "He's on The Voice. It's a conflict of interest."

"Care to explain?" Ethan asked, truly confused.

"No, not really," The Kev replied as he eyeballed the contents of the vials critically. "Just choose another male singer."

"Frank Sinatra."

"Nope, he's dead," The Reggie said. "Has to be alive."

"Oh, for fuck’s sake," Ethan groused. "Elvis?"

"Dead."

"Jim Morrison?"

"Dead." The Reggie was enjoying himself.

"Keith Richards?"

"Very close to dead. I'd pick someone else," I chimed in.

"And who would you pick, Astrid?" Ethan asked. "Who do you find attractive?"

My instinct was to yell "YOU" and then jump him and ride him like a cowboy, but I couldn't. Number one, I was married and number two, there were entirely too many witnesses. "Um, I like Eminem and Jon Bon Jovi."

"What does this Eminem sing?" Ethan asked.

Clearly he wasn't too immersed pop culture.

"Rap," I told him and he shuddered.

"That's not singing," he huffed. "Does this Bon Jovi rap?"

"Nope, he sings and he's hot."

Ethan's eyes narrowed to slits and I swear he was jealous. "I choose Bon Jovi," he snapped to The Kev.

"Very well," The Kev said. "Drink these."

He held out two vials. Mine was filled with a bubbly purple liquid and Ethan's was filled with a bright blue fizzy concoction. Did he expect us to drink that crap? The last time…

"Is it going to taste like ass again?" I asked, and then slapped my hand over my mouth. My other hand went to my head as a blast of icy pain shot through it and I winced. I wasn't sure if I was more pissed about the fact that the word ass had flown from my mouth or if it was because I was in excruciating pain from remembering more. "This sucks," I yelled as I massaged my head.

The Kev ignored my outburst and forced the glass tube into my shaking hands. "Yes, it will taste bad. Yes, even though you are a Vampyre you can drink this. It's liquid—if it was solid your body would reject it. The effects will be temporary, but if you wish to rescue the child without having to defend your life every five minutes during your visit to Xanthia I'd suggest you drink it."

"Wait," I yelled. "Vampyres can't eat food?" What kind of crappy deal was that?

Everyone stared at me like I'd grown three heads. How was I supposed to know that? I still wasn't convinced my name was Astrid. Now I find out I can't eat a cheeseburger ever again? I'm married to a douche knuckle who was too wimpy to come on a mission. I have fifteen children and I can never eat a whole pizza again. Depressed didn't even begin to cover my emotions at the moment.

Ethan took his vial and swallowed the contents with a grimace and a gag. I refused to be bested by the sexy Vamp, so I threw mine back too. Holy poop on a paper towel, it was disgusting. Dizziness consumed me and I slowly sat on the ground so I didn't fall.

I felt Ethan lower himself to the ground next to me and moan. I reached out and took his hand. If he felt anything like I did, he was miserable. His hand was big and warm and I was so tempted to lay my head on his chest for comfort, but he wasn't mine. He squeezed my hand as my suddenly heavy eyelids closed. I smiled dreamily at how lovely his hand felt in mine.

I could never admit it aloud, but I wished he was my husband. I wanted him with everything I had. Well, too bad, so sad. He was married with a kid and so was I. Life kind of sucked, but I knew in my gut I was a survivor and I would survive this too. I just hoped this mission wouldn't take too long. I wouldn't be able to hold out against the hotter than Hades Vampyre for much longer.

Chapter 11

Leaving children to their own devices is risky—especially if the device is a TV. You're much better off playing a board game with your child—even poker. If you have to use the boob tube, stick to educational television. Too much reality TV can cause your child to think like a Fairy. This is not good… just look at what a spoiled snarky brat Tinkerbell turned out to be.

"Explain this again," I said as I paced the tree line in a slightly panicked manner. I kept running my hands through my newly short hair and my stomach was twisted in knots. It's not that I didn't like Pink's music. I loved it and I thought she was a very attractive woman. However, I did not want her face or her body. I already had a few memory issues. Being a doppelganger for a rock star was not going to help.

"It's temporary," The Kev insisted. "You'll be safer this way. The Fairies will be delighted I have brought Pink and Jon Bon Jovi for a visit. Trust me on this."

I glanced over at Ethan and threw my hands in the air. "Well, it didn't work on him. He looks the same."

"It worked," The Kev said. "Everyone sees Pink and Bon Jovi except you and Ethan. You two can see each other because…" He stopped mid sentence with a look of horror on his face.

"What?" I yelled. "Just tell me. I promise I won't implode. At least I don't think I will. This cryptic bullpoop is killing me."

"Say bullshit," The Kev said.

"No," I told him. "I don't need to swear to get my point across. Swearing is for those with small vocabularies and sub-par intelligence."

The grunt that erupted from Ethan's mouth sounded like a strangled cow. He turned and walked away. What the Hell was his problem?

"Say fuck," The Kev tried again.

"Absolutely not," I snapped. "What does using improper terms for sexual intercourse have to do with me learning who I am?"

"Everything," The Kev said. "We don't have time for this right now. The Gus and The Bob will be here momentarily and we need a plan in place before they come."

"Why?" Ethan asked warily. "Do you not trust them?"

The Kev said nothing as he pulled out a map of the amusement park that was Xanthia. He shot Ethan a quick look of censure when The Reggie and The Henry were otherwise occupied. Ethan's eyes narrowed yet again and he made a soft sound of disgust. Clearly The Kev didn't trust any of the Fairies completely. Good to know. I wasn't sure I trusted The Kev or Ethan completely, but I knew for sure I didn't trust the other Fairies.

"The Corrine loves American Idol and has created a version for Xanthia. The Dark Realm have an affinity for the singing shows and the Light Realm prefer the dance competitions," The Kev said logically.

As if any of that was remotely logical.

"So I'm guessing there haven't been many dance competitions in the past century or so," I muttered as I played with my short blonde locks.

"No," The Reggie griped. "We have been barraged by singing Fairies. Did you know that most Fairies are tone deaf? Do you realize what utter Hell it is to listen to ten weeks of tone deaf Fairies singing Lady Gaga and Michael Jackson?"

"Um, that would suck," I told him.

"Suck doesn't begin to cover it," he screamed, turning redder by the second. "Paula Abdul and Randy Jackson are enablers, and Simon Cowell is a bitch."

"Wait. What?" What in the Hell was he talking about? The Reggie was unstable and I wasn't sure why The Kev thought it was a good idea to have a flipped out Fairy help us. The Reggie was clearly close to having an aneurysm.

"They are Fairies," The Kev said as he watched The Reggie begin to uproot trees and throw them into the woods.

"You're kidding. Paula Abdul, Randy Jackson and Simon Cowell are Fairies?" I asked as I ducked to avoid a rather large spruce that was flying through the air.

"I only wish I was kidding," The Kev said as he grabbed The Reggie and stopped his tree chucking shenanigans. "They had been on Earth for thousands of years and then they had the bright idea to become hosts of a singing show. It was bad enough that Paula pursued a rather alarming singing career herself, but this was too much. Becoming so famous brought focused attention on them, which is very, very bad for us. The risk of discovery is forbidden and punishable by death."

"So what the Hell happened?" I asked as I watched The Kev tie The Reggie's arms in a knot to stop his tantrum. The Henry stood by and watched with satisfaction as his buddy was turned into a pretzel.

"They were told to make enough trouble so they would be fired," The Henry explained. "The Paula began to drink massive quantities of Fairy Juice and The Simon asked for too much money and got so bitchy he was barely palatable."

"And The Randy?" I inquired, still trying to swallow this new bit of bizarre info.

"He did nothing. The Randy knew the antics of The Paula and The Simon would be sufficient," The Henry replied.

"Is Ryan Seacrest a Fairy?"

"Oh, Heavens no," The Reggie grunted as he tried in vain to untangle his arms. "He's a Troll."

"Wait," I yelled as I jackknifed forward to stop the pain in my gut. "I've heard of Trolls…I think."

Ethan stopped pacing and stared at me hopefully.

"Am I friends with one?" I asked, frustrated and sick and tired of being in pain.

"I certainly hope not," The Henry huffed as he moved discretely away.

"No, you are not friends with any Trolls," Ethan said. "Trolls are assholes. They are destructive and deadly."

"Well, then how is Ryan Seacrest able to get away with being on TV?" I asked. Why was I even having this conversation?

"He's only a quarter Troll," The Kev answered.

"And the rest?" I don't know why I asked questions that I didn't want the answers to.

"Unicorn."

"Of course Ryan Seacrest is a farking Unicorn. I mean, anyone could see that," I shouted. These douche canoes were insane. "Look, let’s just find the baby and Ethan's gal pals and get the Hell out of Dodge."

"They are not my gal pals," Ethan said, exasperated. "If anything, they're yours."

"I'm gay?" I said, totally surprised. I didn't feel gay. My redonkulous desire to play hide the salami with the sexy Vampyre would lead me to believe I was straight, but who knew? Maybe I had a wife and she gave birth to half of our sixteen children and I had the other half. Still, blowing out eight kids was a lot. It was a relief I didn't give birth to all sixteen of my kids. Why would I have thought it was socially responsible to have sixteen children? It's not like I even had any fun getting pregnant. Did I use a turkey baster?

"You're not gay," Ethan said, thankfully putting an end to my heinous inner monologue. "Do you really not remember?"

"If I'm asking if I'm a lesbian, does it sound like I remember?" I demanded.

He had some nerve. He knew all the answers. All he had to do was tell me, but The Kev said no. I had to do it on my own. Hells bells, it was probably going to hurt like a motherhumper when it all came back…if it came back. Buttcramppoopwanker.

"She will remember," The Kev assured us. I wasn't sure I believed him, but I wanted to. "Let it go for now," he advised. "It will happen when it is supposed to."

"The plans?" The Henry asked.

"Is anyone going to untie me?" The Reggie whined.

"Are you going to stop throwing trees?" The Kev inquired.

"Yes," he ground out.

"Boulders?"

"Yes."

"People?"

"You drive a hard bargain," The Reggie groused, "but I will behave."

"Fine." The Kev wiggled his fingers at The Reggie and his arms were restored to pre-pretzel. He rotated them and sighed with relief. "We have allies throughout the Kingdom. The competition will take place tonight and we will take Samuel during the show. There will be much chaos and most of the Fairies will be hopped up on Fairy Juice. It's our best shot. The Bob and The Gus should have the intel as to where they are keeping Samuel, Martha and Jane…"

"Are they gay?" I asked.

"The Bob and The Gus?" The Kev asked.

"No, Martha and Jane."

"What does that have to do with anything?" The Reggie asked as he eyed me with distrust.

"It has nothing to do with anything," I said. "I'm just trying to remember shit and it popped into my head."

"She said shit," The Henry pointed out.

"No, I didn't."

"Did."

"Did not," I yelled as little sparks began to shoot from my fingertips. "Take it back or I'll give you a set of knockers that will make Dolly Parton's look prepubescent."

"Fine," The Henry screeched as he ran and hid behind The Reggie. "You didn't say shit."

"Thank you," I said primly as I fluffed my spiked hairdo.

"You actually did," Ethan informed me with delight. "You said it loud and clear."

"Duck," The Henry bellowed in terror to Ethan. "She's going to give you boobs."

"No, she won't," he said with confidence.

"Don't be so sure," I warned.

He grabbed me and put his lips to my ear, which sent erotic shivers down my spine and straight to my hoohoo. "You won't disfigure me because you like what you see," he whispered and then nipped at my earlobe.

I was speechless and so horny I wanted to die. I was a heartbeat away from tearing his clothes off when The Bob and The Gus appeared in a blast of silver glitter. The Bob and The Gus were now secretly nicknamed the cock blockers. I'd never been so thankful to see Fairies in my life. I almost cheated on my wife…no, my husband. Whatever. The bottom line was I almost had public intercourse with a cocky Vampyre.

"Hello, The Kev," one of the new Fairies purred. I didn't like him a bit and from the growl Ethan let slip, he didn't either. "I see you're still slumming it with Vampyres." His laugh was grating and his mannerisms highly effeminate.

"They're gay," The Henry whispered in my ear so softly I wasn't sure I heard him correctly.

"I see you haven't gotten over your prejudice of the race that almost removed your head on three occasions I believe, The Bob," The Kev countered with a huge grin.

"I'm still here," the Fairy said silkily. "So you want information…what are you willing to trade?" The Bob asked as he leered at Ethan.

Did The Bob want Ethan in exchange for information? That was so not happening. Why wasn't The Kev speaking? Was he considering trading my Vampyre? Was he more invested in avenging Gemma than he was in getting Ethan's son back? Was I going to have to kill a bunch of Fairies? Wait…could I kill a bunch of Fairies?

It was a good thing they brought me even though I didn't know which end was up at the moment. Men, no matter the species, were dumb. I was going to handle this shit. Oh my Hell, I guess I did say shit. It’s okay though. Shit wasn't that bad. It's perfectly fine to say shit and Hell. Nothing else.

"He’s mine," I said as I stepped up to Ethan and shoved him behind my back.

"This is your mate?" The Bob asked with narrowed eyes.

"Yep," I lied. "He's my meat."

"Your mate," Ethan corrected me.

"That's what I said." I smiled at The Bob and grabbed Ethan's ass. I was taking no chances. Oh. My. God. He had a fine ass. I still had no clue if The Kev would trade Ethan, but it wasn't going to happen on my clock.

"I had no idea Pink and Bon Jovi were an item," The Bob said skeptically. "Does the human press know?"

"No," Ethan cut in as he copped a feel of my ass for The Bob to see. "And we'd like to keep it that way for the moment."

"Interesting," a nasal voice belonging to The Gus chimed in. "The Corrine will be ecstatic you have brought such esteemed guests, The Kev. Did you bring our new Queen?" he inquired as he scanned the area for others.

"Why would I do that?" The Kev replied in a voice that made the hair on my arms stand up. Ethan pulled me toward him and away from the Fairies.

"Of course you wouldn't," The Gus backpedaled quickly as he bowed to The Kev and groveled. "I assumed she would come for her son."

"Now here's something interesting," The Kev said. "The child is not her son."

"What?" The Henry gasped and blanched. The Reggie looked confused and The Gus and The Bob sneered.

"Nice try," The Bob said. "We have proof it's her son. The Corrine is evil but not stupid."

"I beg to differ," I muttered.

"What was that, Pink?" The Reggie asked.

"I said, I beg to differ. The child does not belong to Gemma, your True Queen. The Corunda got it wrong. Therefore, she is evil and stupid," I concluded, watching with satisfaction as they almost had heart attacks at my mispronunciation her name. God, they were easy. This was going to be fun.

The Kev watched the exchange closely as his lips thinned with displeasure. I hoped to Hell he wasn't mad at me. I was fairly sure he hated The Corrine. The other Fairies hopped around and exchanged worried glances. The Bob and The Gus were beside themselves.

"Um, Pink?" The Bob said cautiously. "I know The Corrine will be honored you have graced Xanthia with your presence. Having a real rock star here will be epic, but if you call her by the wrong name…"

"What will happen?" I asked, hoping they'd say she'd kill me. I wasn't sure why, but I had an intense desire to off The Corrine and if she started it first, it would be self defense on my part. It was on the tip of my brain as to why I wanted to tear her apart with my bare hands. I just couldn't reach it yet, but I would.

"Well," The Gus gushed and attempted to kiss my ass, "let's just say she would be very, very, very, very upset, and leave it at that."

"The Goose and The Boob, I can't promise you anything, but I will do my best," I told them and watched as they blanched in horror at their new titles. "So where's our baby?"

"The child is yours?" The Bob asked, completely confused. "Did you have a child with Bon Jovi? I thought you we both married to others…"

"We are," I cut him off. "It was just a figure of speech."

I could have sworn Ethan muttered something about snot, but I missed it. Did Vampyres have bodily functions? I didn't think so, but again…what the Hell did I know about anything? Maybe our noses could run.

"So, you two are having an affair?" The Gus inquired as his eyes wandered jealously over Ethan from head to toe.

What the Hell? Ethan was straight, married and having an affair with Pink and they still wanted a piece of him. They were man-whores, but if they could tell us where the baby was I would reduce their sentence to man-sluts.

"Yes," Ethan replied quickly before I could refute him. "Where are the child and the other Vampyres?"

"They're being held separately," The Bob said. "The Vampyres have bargained for their lives. The Corrine has little use for them and wanted to kill them, but they are quite crafty."

"And violent," The Gus added.

"And sexy," The Reggie chimed in.

Both The Kev and Ethan turned away. Ethan sounded like he was coughing up a hairball and The Kev sounded like he had whooping cough. What was the deal? I was getting more and more certain Ethan was boffing Martha and Jane. Was The Kev boffing them too? Gemma would not be happy with that. I may not remember my name, but I was sure that Gemma would tie The Kev’s nuts in a knot if he cheated on her.

I'd remove my husband's privates with a dull butter knife if he did the nasty with someone else. Which was why I was not going to cheat on my husband, or possibly wife, with Ethan…no matter how much I wanted to. It didn't matter one bit he was the hottest man I'd ever seen. Nope. The fact that when I closed my eyes I could still see his face was immaterial. The way his ass filled out his jeans and the way his shirt pulled across his perfectly muscled chest when he moved was unimportant. No, no, no, no. I would not do the pretty Vampyre.

Oh my Hell, I said ass. An ass is a donkey, so it’s not really a bad word…

Okay. I can say ass and Hell. Shit is a little iffy, but I'd already committed to it and I felt good about it. No more. I would not add any more bad words.

The Kev, having regained his composure, rejoined the group. "Tell me where. Where is the child and where are the Vamps?"

"They keep moving the child," The Henry said as The Gus glared daggers at him.

"He was asking me," The Gus spat as The Henry backed off in fear. Clearly there was a pecking order here, but The Kev obviously trusted The Reggie and The Henry more. They knew our real faces and identities. The Gus and The Bob were higher up on the food chain, but were to be trusted less. Good to know.

"They keep moving the child," The Gus repeated. "Apparently he has burned down a number of houses and caused a few minor problems."

"The Goop," I said kindly as I shrugged in confusion. "Fairies can't handle a baby? This surprises me. Maybe this was a mistake coming here…and I was going to do a free concert and everything."

"Oh sweet Tinkerbell in a prairie dress." The Bob gasped and fell to his knees. "Please, Pink, you must do a concert. The Corrine will be happy for a moment or two and will stop her systematic murdering of the Light."

"Ohh Bopo, The Corruna sounds like a megalomaniac bitch," I said as The Reggie, The Henry, Ethan and The Kev stared at me open mouthed. I was positive the Fairies were shocked at my slight to their leader, but Ethan was surprised by my language. I still couldn't remember who I really was, but potty words were definitely starting to come easier.

"A bitch is a female dog," I explained to Ethan, whose grin set my panties on fire.

"Yes, it is, Pink. Yes, it is."

Why did his approval mean so much? I knew my grin was splitting my face, but I didn't care. I wanted more…

"So I'm getting tired of this shit, you bitches. Where the Hell are they hiding the baby and the concubine Vampyres?" I smiled and tried to toss my hair over my shoulder to drive my point home. I had used all my potty words in one sentence and I was proud. Ethan's wink all but did me in. However, you can't toss short hair. Being Pink was not working for me. The faster we got done here the faster I could be myself…whoever that was.

"You heard the lady," The Kev said as he crossed his massive arms over his massive chest. "Answer her."

"Why do Pink and Bon Jovi want the child?" The Bob asked, getting agitated.

That was a really good question. A question I had no answer to, but not knowing the answer had never stopped me before…

"Outstanding observation, The Gas," I yelled as I wracked my brain for something that made a modicum of sense. "It's because Bon Jovi got his weenie tied off and um…we want a child together. Not to…ah…mention, we're Vampyres and can't reproduce unless we are having semi-regular sexual intercourse with humans. Clearly we're both rock star Vampyres who are married to other people who most likely are not mythical creatures like we are…and even though we…um…have very regular and aerobic intimate relations, we have not successfully blown out a baby. Mostly because we're dead and Bon Jovi's little swimmers aren't swimming anymore since his Johnson was fixed. We heard about the…you know…stolen baby and we want him. Is that too much to ask? It's not like you dumbasses even need him now because he's not the true Queen's spawn. You can't negotiate a farked up blackmail scheme with a random baby. And I want him," I informed the traumatized crowd.

I realized I was shouting, but not because I could feel it. Nope. The dead giveaway was the hands of all the men clamped over their ears. There might have been a little bit of blood running out of The Henry's ear too. I wasn't positive, but it didn't look good.

"The goddess Vampyres are in the dungeon of the Magic Mystery Castle and the baby is in the Grand Fun Palace," The Gus choked out quickly with tears of agony in his eyes. "Please don't speak anymore."

"Or ever again," The Bob begged.

"I am so confused," The Reggie wailed.

"See?" The Kev bellowed joyously as he slowly removed his hands from his ears in case I wasn't done. "That wasn't so difficult. This meeting never happened. You have no knowledge of the imminent arrival of Pink and Bon Jovi and you do not know that I am back in Xanthia."

"Yes, Sire," The Reggie said. "Do you want us to notify The Dave?"

"Who's The Dave?" I asked in a much quieter voice to the great relief of the gathered Fairies.

"The Dave is the leader of the Light. He is imprisoned in the Magic Mystery Castle with Martha and Jane," The Kev told me.

"Along with thousands of other Light Fairies," The Bob added sadly.

"Why aren't you in the dungeon? Aren't you Light?" I got right up in The Bob and The Gus' beautiful faces. They backed away and began to glow an iridescent green.

Looks of embarrassment and shame passed between the quartet. The Henry stepped forward and knelt at my feet. "Pink, we are not Dark, but we have done too many things to be considered Light anymore."

"We are Gray," The Reggie added despondently. "When the true Queen comes home and the Light is restored, we will have no place here."

"That doesn't seem fair," I said. "If you help restore the Light, why do you have to go?"

"It's not that simple," The Bob said. "Nothing the Fairies do is simple."

I glanced over at Ethan. He had said those same words to me. I was sure of it, but I couldn't remember when. The memory lapse sucked huge wads. There had to be something I could do to regain my past. I just wished I knew what it was. Shithellbitchass.

Chapter 12

Changes of plans that disrupt your child's schedule can result in madness (in the parent and occasionally the institutionalization of said parent). It is suggested to keep regular nap times and feeding times. If you can't do this, be prepared to suffer the consequences…

"So we're going to take Samuel back during the American Idol show?" I asked as I put some space between me and Ethan. He seemed to be taking the fake mate thing a bit too seriously.

"Hell to the no," The Kev said as he dusted the furniture in the new safe house he'd taken us to.

"But you told…" I started.

"Of course I told them that. I can't have them knowing our real plans," he explained as he rearranged knickknacks to his liking. He had one Hell of a case of OCD going on. "There's a chance one of them has already gone to The Corrine."

"Are you kidding me?" I snapped. "Why in the Hell would you tell them anything if you thought they would reveal us?"

"Because he wants The Corrine to know," Ethan said as he slid his large hands around my waist and pulled me close.

"Um, well I—you know," I stammered as I extricated myself from his grasp. It was alarming how good it felt to be in his arms. My brain got mushy when he was too close. "Why do you want her to know?"

"It will infuriate her and make her sloppy," The Kev said as he ripped a lovely afghan off the green couch and shredded it. "The color was wrong," he explained as he replaced it with a blinding orange and purple fleece blanket. Obsessive compulsive with horrendous taste…nice. "I also wanted to make it clear that the child did not belong to Gemma. You were quite spectacular in your explanation, Krumecaca."

If I could blush I'd be bloody. "It was the first thing that came to mind," I mumbled. "I don't even remember all of it." I refused to make eye contact with Ethan. I had given him a vasectomy and basically castrated him in front of witnesses. I wasn't sure he would like that much.

"Will they believe Samuel is not Gemma's?" Ethan asked as he examined a pile of clothes that The Kev had dropped on a table in front of him. "You can't possibly expect me to wear any of this."

"I can and I do." The Kev grinned from ear to ear. "You're a rock star, my man. You have to dress like one. And to answer your first question, I'm not sure."

"I have a difficult time believing Bon Jovi wore assless leather chaps," he said as he pinched the bridge of his nose and winced.

"Whoops!" The Kev chuckled. "Those are mine. Sorry about that."

"Does Gemma know about those?" I asked. I giggled at the appalled scream she would produce if she saw her man in pants with the butt cut out.

"She bought them for me." He grinned and wiggled his very nice rear end that I was now picturing in ways I shouldn't.

That certainly shut me up. Covering my shock and embarrassment I pawed through the pile of fabric scraps The Kev had dropped in front of me. "I can't wear any of this hookery shit," I told him.

"It's good to see you are becoming one with your profanity again," he said kindly and ignored my ultimatum.

"Did you hear me?" I asked.

"I did."

"Are you ignoring me?"

"I am."

I groaned and tried to find the least offensive article of clothing I could. It was practically all lingerie—sheer lingerie. Bon Jovi and Pink were going to make a statement.

"I am going to scout Xanthia. You two will study the maps of the park. Pay special attention to The Grand Fun Palace and The Magic Mystery Castle. Do not leave the safe house under any circumstance. I'll be back as soon as I can. Don't do anything I wouldn't do." He grinned and disappeared in a blast of silver and pink glitter.

"That doesn't leave much," I muttered as I carefully spread the map out on the huge oak table. All of these little safe houses were lovely. Did I have a lovely home too? I wanted to ask Ethan, but I'd resigned myself to following the rules. I would get my memory back when I was supposed to.

"Astrid," Ethan said as he came up behind me. His breath on my neck and his desire went straight through me. It was so palpable it hurt. My reaction to him must mean something, but for the life of me I couldn't place it. My weakness where he was concerned was infuriating. It had to be a test of some kind. A test I could not fail.

"Ethan, move," I said stiffly. "We have to study the map. I can't play these games with you. Your son's life is at stake along with the violent yet sexy Martha and Jane. Just let me work with the map. I'm very sure your wife wouldn't appreciate your roving eyes and hands."

"Fine," he said tightly as he moved away. I felt the loss of his body heat acutely. "Close your eyes and run your hands over the map. It will become ingrained in your mind."

"I can do that?" I asked. What the Hell? That was freakin' awesome.

"Yes, you can."

"Have I done this before?"

"No, you haven't had the need. New day—new trick."

This was a dream come true. I had prayed for a skill like this in high school and college. I would have aced American History and World Religions if I'd had this kind of voodoo when I was human. Human…When was I human?

"I haven't been a Vampyre for very long," I said slowly.

"No, you haven't." He crossed the room, took a seat and watched me.

"Was I dying and someone had to save me so they turned me into a bloodsucker?"

"Um…no. You were trying to quit smoking and ended up undead," he said.

"What the fuck kind of redonkulous story is that?" I yelled. "I didn't smoke. That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard…Oh my God," I screeched. "Did I just say fuck?"

"Twice." He grinned and dropped his beautiful head into his beautiful hands.

"Ethan, please excuse my vulgar language. I'm a little stressed at the moment. You know, with half of my mind missing and wanting to attack you so badly I could burst. You've been a total gentleman for the most part. It's not your fault that you're hotter than Satan's underpants…wait. Satan is my uncle?" I asked.

"Yep."

"Okay, comparing you to my uncle's underpants is just gross, but you get my drift. Right?"

"Yep."

My mind was swirling in directions that I knew were wrong. I didn't have any memory of my recent past, so if I jumped the sexy Vampyre would that really be cheating on my husband or wife? Justification was starting to make sense and my inner hooker was completely on the same page. If I just did it once I could get rid of the overwhelming sexual tension I was feeling. That was smart for the mission. How could I be expected to focus on saving the prisoners if my mind was in Ethan's pants? Maybe Vampyres weren't monogamous. This was a responsible and mature thing to do. I could sit on his face for a bit and then ride him like a steed. If he promised not to tell no one would be the wiser. Plus, when I got my memory back, I might not remember any of this stuff. Brilliant. Maybe not my finest moment of morality, but there was much more at stake here—like the lives of people who I didn't know. Was I kidding myself? Probably, but there was only one way to release the debilitating need south of my belly button.

"So Ethan, I was thinking…"

"Nope," he said. "Not happening."

"How do you even know what I was going to say?" I demanded.

"Because I…because I just do. The answer is no. Your mate would be furious if you had sex with another who you thought wasn't your mate."

I didn't quite follow that. I was sure he just said way more than what I heard, but I was mostly shocked. "You don't want me?" Why did that feel so awful?

"Astrid," he ground out through clenched teeth as he roughly ran his hands through his hair. He sat forward in his chair and I was very sure it was because of a painful, and from the looks of it, humongous erection. "It's quite clear what I want, but I only want it a certain way and you are incapable of giving it to me that way at the moment."

"Are you into really kinky sex?"

His groan of frustration made me want to laugh, but his agony was real. Forget about mine. I was more turned on than before due to his chivalry and dedication to his mate. He was a flirt. Maybe she was okay with that. I wouldn't be, but he wasn't my problem. Thankfully, he was good enough to stop me from acting on my baser instincts.

"Ethan, thank you. You're right. I would never forgive myself for cheating. I have no clue what came over me. I can easily solve this with my hand and a shower nozzle. If you'll excuse me for about a half hour, I need to go masturbate. I'd suggest you do the same while I'm in the bathroom. Blue balls won't make a rescue mission any easier." I was tempted to ask him if I could touch his butt for a minute or so, but he was clearly on the edge. His eyes glittered a brilliant green and his fangs had dropped. His entire edible body was coiled tight and I could tell it took all he had to stay seated. It was awesome to feel desired so intensely. I certainly hoped my mate was as hot as Ethan and made me feel the same way.

Swiftly I ran from the room in desperate search of a bathroom. A minute more with Ethan and I would have lost all my self-respect. I was beyond tempted to strip and tackle him. Even though his words were pretty, I knew I could have him if I pushed the issue. That would be wrong and I knew I'd live to regret it, no matter how much I enjoyed it in the moment.

***

Holy crap he made a lot of noise. I could hear him grunting and yelling out in the living room. Clearly he was having more fun than I was. I couldn't bring myself to orgasm if my life depended on it. So not fair. The hum of the shower nozzle blocked out most of his sexual noises, but not all of them. He must be into the kink. It sounded pretty violent out there. He was really spanking the monkey in a big way. Wait. If I listened to him getting off, I might be able to pretend he was with me and I could have the mother of all orgasms…I turned off the shower and got ready to pass out from ecstasy, but he was done. Damn it, it was totally silent. I couldn't even sense him anymore. Maybe he stepped outside to cool off.

Totally grumpy, I slipped on the obscene clothing that The Kev had left for me. It was probably a good thing Ethan had taken care of things because this outfit was not going to help matters. I was wearing hip hugging jeans, a black push up bra and a sheer midriff icy pink top. The spike heeled black boots were hotter than Hell and I knew as slutty as I might look, I was working it. At least the brands rocked—Prada, Stella McCartney and Agent Provocateur. The Kev's wallet was definitely thinner after having bought this stash. I wondered which outfit Ethan had picked. It looked like mostly leather…

"Ethan?" I called as I rounded the corner and took in what used to be a cozy and orderly living room. What the Hell? It was a freakin' mess. The furniture was overturned and broken. The Kev's heinous blanket lay in tatters on the blood covered floor. Blood covered floor? "Ethan," I shouted. Something was very wrong.

I stopped and shut my eyes. I was a Vampyre and a Demon. I must have some kind of Spidey senses. I was also a True Immortal—whatever the Hell that meant. Think. Just think. He wasn't here but I could smell his scent. His fury still lingered in the room, but it was mixed with something sinister and vaguely familiar.

Fairies.

Fairies had been here, but I wasn't sure which ones. Damn it. I hadn't paid enough attention to the individual scents of the bastards. Bastard wasn't a bad word. It was a person born to an unwed mother. Not that I was using it that way when referring to the bastard Fairies, but I felt a little better knowing it had a double meaning.

Getting down on my hands and knees I crawled around the room and sniffed like a dog. My gut clenched in fear for Ethan. The blood was his. I knew his blood deep inside me. Had I had his blood? No time to figure that out at the moment. How had they taken him and why? He was Jon Bon Jovi, for God's sake and I was Pink. I thought these bitchass Fairies were obsessed with famous singers.

Oh my freakin' Hell, had The Kev set us up? Did he leave so they could take us? No. That didn't feel right. The Kev was my friend. He was my teacher—he taught me how to kill and how to protect myself. He was the mate of my best friend and he loved me like a child. He was the godfather to one of my many children. Which child? Why couldn't I remember my children? What kind of suckass mother was I? I curled into a tight ball on the floor and clutched at the torn pieces of the horrible fleece blanket until the searing pain of remembering passed. Motherhumper in a sequined boob tube. When would this end?

I crawled over to the map which was miraculously still in one piece. I closed my eyes and ran my hands over it, including all of the areas outside of the city. As my hands grazed the map I felt the information settle in my head. I now knew exactly where I was and exactly where I was headed. Where they took Ethan was the unknown, but I hoped to be able to sense him or run into The Kev along the way. If all else failed I would start with the Magic Mystery Castle and the Grand Fun Palace. Maybe after I saved everyone we could all take a ride on the fucking Ferris wheel…Fuck was now added to my vocabulary. It was an outstanding word that could basically mean just about anything. It could be used as a noun, verb and adverb. It rolled off the tongue with ease and even if you spoke a foreign language it was difficult not to understand fuck off or off you fuck or fuck you. As a concession, I would only say fuck four times a day. However, not knowing what I was walking into I was reserving the right to use it more—just for today.

Chapter 13

When your child tells you he has an imaginary friend, do not discount this as fantasy. Oftentimes your child isn't imagining anything. If he persists with alarming and violent stories about this fictional buddy, it's probably a Troll. Do a thorough search of your home and kill it. Decapitation works best. Some imaginary friends are harmless. However, it's wise not to take chances.

The terrain outside Xanthia proper was rough and the spike-heeled boots weren't helping. I could see the amusement park in the distance, but getting to it was a challenge. The foliage was dense and the strangest species of animals wandered around eating the leaves and occasionally each other. Lovely. The green and orange striped beasts that resembled warthogs were the ones I avoided at all cost. I knew I could take one out, but having to fight an entire pack could ruin my outfit. I hadn't thought to bring any extra hooker clothes so I needed to take care of the ones I was wearing.

"It would be easier if you just flew," a tiny voice informed me.

I jerked around but couldn't find the source of the voice. What the heck was it? Where in the heck was it?

"You could also transport, but if you've never been where you are going that could be dangerous," it said and then giggled. It sounded like it had sucked back a couple of helium balloons. I smiled even though I could soon realize it was the size of a truck and wanted to eat me as a midmorning snack.

"Where are you?" I asked as I took a defensive stance and kept moving my gaze.

"You're silly," it said. "I won't hurt you."

"And I know that how?" I asked and didn't relax one bit.

"Because I'm a Mini Elf. I never lie." Its tinkling giggle was infectious and I had a difficult time keeping a straight face.

What the Hell was a Mini Elf? "Show yourself," I demanded. "Now."

"Keep your pants on, Demon-Vampyre. You could use some manners," it huffed.

Was it male or female? I couldn't tell. However, it was correct. I was being rude. "Please Mini Elf, show yourself. I apologize for being ill mannered."

"Do you promise not to laugh?" it asked.

"Well, with a set up like that I'm not sure, but I'll do my best." I crossed my fingers and prayed to my Uncle God. The truth shall set you free or get you eaten by a Mini Elf.

"I suppose that will have to do," it said primly. "Normally I don't show myself. It's not good for my self-esteem and my therapist suggested I live in hiding the rest of my life. Do you know how difficult it is to live without the interaction of others for nine hundred years?" it wailed.

"Um, no. Why don't you describe your looks, so I have a chance to compose myself before your big reveal. That might be better for both of us."

"Hmmm…" Everything the Mini Elf said sounded like a song. "That is a very fair and compassionate idea, Vampyre-Demon spawn."

"I have a name."

"So do I," it shot back as peals of laughter escaped from its little, I assumed and hoped, mouth. "Are we at that point in our relationship where we exchange monikers?"

"Good point." I was going to tell the thing my name was Pink anyway. "Describe yourself. Please."

"Very well." It sighed wearily. "I am the most beautiful being in the universe."

"Conceited much?" I mumbled.

"It's true," it huffed in its high-pitched tiny voice. "It sucks looking like I do. Everyone wants a piece of me. I was trapped in a motherfucking Genie bottle for three hundred and fifty-seven shit eating years. That ugly ass fat bastard of a Genie would take me out everyday and pet me with his smelly hands and beg for wishes."

"Oookay, I have a couple of questions and one comment."

"Go ahead."

"Well, I always assumed Genies granted wishes. Am I wrong?"

"Never assume. Makes an ass out of you and me. Genies are stupid and powerless unless they were born on a full moon on the thirteenth of the month of November. Oh, and I killed that asshat so good once I was able to conjure up a machete and a semi-automatic rifle with silver bullets. "

The giggling was making me grin despite the realization that the tiny thing was an insane killer.

"Noted. I'm having a hard time figuring out whether to call you dude or dudette. Your voice is kind of high and I don't want to insult you." Actually, I just didn't want to die by machete.

"Dudette will suffice."

"Great. Now, what's with the sailor mouth? I'm trying to quit swearing because my kid repeats everything I say. If we're going to be friends you'll have to curb the language." I fell to the ground as a violent migraine shot through my frontal lobe. Motherfucker, I did have a foul mouth. The Kev and Ethan were correct. I tried to stop swearing because my son or daughter was mimicking me. Why couldn't I picture more? Why did it all have to come back in disjointed pieces? This sucked donkey butt. Gradually the pain subsided and I open my eyes.

Oh. My. Hell. I was face to face with a miniature angel that must have fallen from the Heavens. She was exquisite. Each feature was perfect. Flowing blonde locks, porcelain skin, huge lavender eyes and dimples I had the distinct desire to pinch. She couldn't have been more than three inches high and her tiny peach dress sparkled in the sun.

"Dudette, you are really lovely," I whispered in awe as the headache receded completely.

"What happened there, Vampyre-Demon spawn?" she asked as her tiny stunning brows wrinkled in worry.

"I'm having a few little memory issues. Each time a piece comes back it hurts like a fucking motherfucker," I explained as I carefully sat up.

"Hmmm…and you take issue with my mouth?" she demanded and then giggled like a loon.

"I know," I admitted and tried to bite back my grin. "Yes, I have a potty mouth problem too. How about this? Let's just limit the word fuck to four times a day. Bastard, ass, bitch and Hell don't count because they have other meanings. You in?"

"You know dick also means private investigator. Can we say that?"

She was pretty and smart. "Sound good to me."

"Back to the fucks," she said in a business-like manner. "Do we each get four or is it divided? You get two fucks and I get two fucks?"

"We each get four fucks," I told her. She nodded her satisfaction. "However, I am reserving my right for unlimited fucks today since I have to go rescue some people and kill some others."

"Can I come? I love killing things," she squealed with a gleam in her purple eyes that made me a little nervous.

"Um, I'm not sure that's a good idea," I said as I got to my feet. She elevated off the ground and got right in my face. That's when I noticed her tiny pale rose-colored gossamer wings. They beat so fast it was difficult to see them. She was like a tiny gorgeous kind-of human humming bird.

"I'll tell you my name and get you to Xanthia without you having to walk another step in those fabu boots," she bargained.

"Um, will I still be in one piece?"

"Yes."

"Will I still be the same size?" I asked. There was always some small print somewhere…

"If you want to be."

I needed to get there quickly. Ethan was in danger and who knew if the baby Samuel and the Vampyres, Martha and Jane were even still alive. There was also The Kev to consider. This little Mini Elf seemed off her rocker, but I liked her. A gal who could use the word fuck several times in a sentence and could come up with another legal swear word was my kind of girl. She was definitely needy, but who wouldn't be after nine hundred years of solitude?

"Here's the deal. I'm in charge. You have to do what I tell you to do. If you get in my way you have to go home. No random killing unless the fucker deserves it. Got it? Oh, and you can have a pass on the four fucks today too. I have a bad feeling it's going to get ugly and we'll need all of our vices."

"I think I love you," the Mini Elf said as she flew excited circles around my head.

"I'm straight."

"Not that way, you douche knuckle," she chirped with glee. "I love you like a dog loves their owner."

"Who's the dog?" I asked as my eyes narrowed.

"Does it matter?" She continued flipping around my head, making me dizzy.

"I guess not. My name is Astrid."

"Mine is unpronounceable, but you can call me Susu."

"Hello Susu, it's delightful to meet you. I will not put you in a bottle and my hands aren't stinky."

"Ohhhhhh Astrid, this is so exciting. Are you going to kill The Corrine?" Her little blood- thirsty eyes grew huge.

"Only if she tries to stop me from rescuing my posse," I told her.

"I do so hope she gets in your way. I hate that fucking bitch." Even Susu's vitriol sounded like joyous tinkling bells.

"Get in line," I muttered as I wondered if I was smoking crack to let Susu deliver me to Xanthia. "Why do you hate her?"

"She's a third cousin fifty times removed on my father's side…or maybe it was my mother's side. God, when you're thousands of years old facts get a little fuzzy. I don't like them anyway, which is probably why I blocked them out. Anyhoo, The Corrine is the cow bitch-hole that had me banished, which is why I ended up trapped in a bottle with that stank ass Genie. She was jealous of my beauty. I'd really enjoy seeing her torn to bits."

"Who do you like?" I asked, already regretting not running like Hell, when I heard her little helium voice.

"I like you," she trilled and did so many back flips in the air I lost count.

At this point I wasn't sure if her liking me was a good thing or a bad thing. Whatever. It was what it was. "Great. I think…How are we going to get to Xanthia?" I asked as I watched her dive bomb a tree from dizziness. "You might want to lay off the flipping," I suggested.

"Good idea," she murmured as she rubbed her tiny head. "You're going to fly on my back."

Now she was smoking crack. "No can do," I told her. "I'm afraid I'll crush you."

"I knew I was right to talk to you," she screamed. "You are the first person in seven thousand years to care about my safety. We are going to be best friends and we'll go shopping and I'll do your makeup. We'll get an apartment in Paris and bag really hot guys. It will be so much fun! You're a horrible blonde, by the way. You should really go back to your natural color. I just love the Demon red streaks."

"How do you know my natural color?" I choked out. So much was wrong and frightening with everything she'd just said—especially the mechanics of her getting it on with a full sized anything. However, the part that worried me most was the way she'd clearly seen through my disguise.

"I'm a Mini Elf. Nothing visual is hidden from me," she explained. "Your true body and face are almost as lovely as mine. Almost." She turned two flips, gasped and stopped herself midair. "Trees hurt."

"I'll bet. Can a Fairy see through my disguise?"

"Oh Heavens no." She giggled and rolled her eyes. "They're stupid like the Genies."

"Good to know." I imagined The Kev would take offense, but I was keeping my lips sealed for the moment. "So I won't hurt you if I fly on your back?"

"Nope, but you can fly on your own."

"I can?"

"That memory loss is really fucking with your skills, Astrid," she said.

"You're telling me. Can you make yourself invisible?" I asked. It wouldn't really do to announce our arrival by openly flying into enemy territory.

"Anything you can do, I can do better," she sang and I rolled my eyes.

"We'll see about that," I closed my eyes and pulled magic from somewhere deep inside myself. Slowly and surely I elevated off the ground. "Oh my Hell, you were right. I can fly."

Susu gave me her own eye roll and tittered like an asylum inmate. "I already told you, I never lie. I'm beautiful and trustworthy."

Awesome. I was flying into Xanthia with a narcissistic whack job of a Mini Elf. Could this day get any weirder? My guess was yes.

"Would you like to brief me on who we're looking for?" she asked. "It might be helpful so I don't kill the wrong person."

"Good point. A baby named Samuel and two very sexy and violent Vampyres named Martha and Jane," I told her.

"Martha and Jane are not sexy names," she cut in and wrinkled her tiny adorable nose.

"I agree, but that's what I've heard."

"You don't know what these people look like?" She slapped her tiny hands on her curvy little hips and blew out a disgusted sigh.

"Listen, little missy, I don't need your shit right now. We are also rescuing a hotter than Hell Vampyre named Ethan who is disguised as Jon Bon Jovi, but I suppose you'll be able to see his true form. He's blond with golden eyes and a drool-worthy body. His ass could stop traffic. He has full kissable lips and cheekbones that could cut glass."

"Is he taken?" she asked with a dreamy look in her eyes.

"Yes, he is so don't get any ideas or I'll squish your tiny Mini Elf ass," I snapped.

"Sorry," she said quickly. "I didn't realize he was yours."

"He's not." I shook my head and ran my hands through my hair. "He's not, but he has a mate and he loves her."

"Got it." She smiled knowingly and I wanted to slap her.

Yes, I wanted him. No, I couldn't have him, but I was not offering him up to anyone else. Ever.

"Is there anyone else I should avoid destroying?" she inquired sweetly.

"The Kev," I told her. "He's a…"

"I love The Kev," she squeaked so loudly I slapped my hands over my ears. "He's the kindest, strongest and hottest Fairy of them all. YAYAYAYAYAYAY. I can't wait to see him again."

"He's taken."

"He is?" she asked dejectedly.

"Yep, his mate is my BFF—the true Fairy Queen."

Her eyes lit up like a Christmas tree and she turned six flips, narrowly missing a boulder. "She's been born? This is wonderful. No wonder I got sucked back into this realm. I am her Guardian Angel. I didn't know she'd been reincarnated yet. Fucking Hell, The Corrine must be livid."

"You could say that. She tried to kill Gemma but failed, so she took the baby Samuel thinking it was Gemma's. She was going to trade Gemma's life for the child's."

"What a fucking stinkass whore bitch dickwad move," Susu huffed indignantly. "Wait. Is the baby Gemma's?"

"No, the baby belongs to Ethan and his mate."

"Why isn't his mate here to save her child?" Susu asked as she raised her perfectly plucked eyebrows in surprise.

"Well, I think she's human," I explained and shrugged. That statement felt very wrong…I suppose my jealousy of Ethan's mate was coloring my logic.

"Is that all?"

"Well, there are a few Fairies that might or might not be allies to The Kev."

"Names?"

"The Henry, The Reggie, The Bob and The Gus," I said.

"Asshole, Wimp, Sissy and Prissy." She grinned and did a floating toe touch.

"You pretty much nailed it. I'm not sure which ones we should kill, if any. But I don't trust them and neither should you."

"Affirmative. You ready?"

Was I ready? No, I wasn't. Did that matter? No, it didn't. I was working on three quarters of a brain and I had paired up with a psychotic Mini Elf named Susu. This was probably a clusterfuck waiting to happen, but that wouldn't stop me. Apparently I was difficult to kill and Susu was probably the same if she'd lasted seven thousand years. The need to save Ethan's baby was almost painful. I had no clue why, other than I was attracted to the father, but I knew I would succeed. I had to.

"I'm as ready as I'll ever be," I told my tiny new friend. Gemma was going to have a Hell of a time if Susu really was her Guardian Angel. I giggled at the fact that Gemma's Angel was more profane than my Guardian Angel, Pam…Fuck. My legs buckled and I hit the ground with a cramp in my stomach the size of a watermelon.

"Another memory?" Susu inquired with concern as she gently stroked my face.

"Yep."

"Here's a thought," she offered. "While we're flying don't think—at all. It would suck ass if you fell out of the air and died."

"I'll keep that in mind. Let's go before I change my mind."

"About going?"

"Nope. About taking you with me," I said as I began to levitate. She quickly flew to me and barnacled herself to my side. Weird was my new normal.

Fucking awesome.

Chapter 14

When in large crowds, make sure you hold tight to your child's hand. Losing a child in an amusement park is terrifying. If you're truly paranoid a parent could consider putting a chip in their child. If you do this don't discuss it at dinner parties. People will think you are weird.

Xanthia was utter chaos. Huge lit neon billboards announcing the American Idol competition were everywhere. Susu had conjured up a hooded robe for me to wear. They were all the rage in Xanthia. I was slightly alarmed that mine was covered in bright blue sequins, but she insisted I would fit in perfectly and avoid the hysteria I would cause if the Fairies thought Pink had blown into town. She was correct. I walked undetected through the streets of the amusement park. There was an overlaying menace about the city and I pulled my cloak closer to my body.

Gemma was going to shit her pants if she had to live here. It was loud and dirty. The Fairies were like freakin' carnies selling everything from fake Gucci handbags to lime green cotton candy. Not to mention we'd just walked by a duel that ended in death—an ugly bloody death.

"This place is gross and creepy," I muttered to Susu, who sat on my shoulder, hidden by my hood.

"It wasn't always like this. It used to be beautiful and magical," she whispered. "That hoochie mamma shit-for-brains, The Corrine, runs it with an iron fist. No one has a voice here. Now the Fairies just try to get by any way they can."

"Are they all Dark?"

"The delineation is unclear anymore. Thousands of the true Light have been imprisoned or banished, but these Fairies on the street? I'd call them Gray—not Light, not Dark. However, her army and inner circle are so Dark their souls are black."

So much for thinking this might be easy. "How long has she ruled?"

"Since she set up The Dave and had him beaten and arrested for treason—about five hundred years," she replied.

"Was The Dave a true King?" I asked. Good God, was he going to be pissed about Gemma too?

"No, the Fairies are a matriarchal society. They have no Kings. The Dave was basically a placeholder while the Fairies waited for the reincarnation of the True Queen. He's a great guy—kind and fair…and hot."

"Everyone is hot here." I rolled my eyes and continued my questioning. "What happened to the last True Queen?"

"The Corrine happened to the last Queen. She poisoned her and tore her to shreds. Who, if you want to be technical, was your BFF in a past life."

Too much to absorb…I needed to stick with the present facts. I could mull over the past later.

"Do the Fairies worship The Corrine?" I asked as I watched a beautiful female Fairy with sad eyes and a desperate look about her trying to hawk her wares. We made eye contact and she gave me a look so vicious I blanched. They may be pretty, but I would not discount how deadly they could be.

"Worship?" Susu sneered. "Maybe some in her inner circle, but most simply fear her."

"Why are they dressed so well if they have nothing?" I marveled at the ornate robes and kick-ass outfits.

"The Corrine is vain. She wants her people to appear beautiful on the outside, even though she has destroyed their insides."

As we meandered through the streets I was greatly relieved that I knew exactly where I was and where I was going. The more I walked around observing, the more I just wanted to leave. The Magic Mystery Castle was up the hill past the Tilt-a-Whirl and the Flying Scooters on the left. Martha and Jane were somewhere in that castle. I wished I had been given blueprints…I'd just have to go with my gut—or maybe not.

"Do you know your way around the Magic Mystery Castle and the Grand Fun Palace?" I asked my Mini Elf.

"Of course I do," she huffed. "I have a memory like a steel trap…unlike some other people we know."

"Do you want me to squish you or send you home?" I threatened.

"Um, no."

"Well then, shut your cakehole about my memory. Got it?" I snapped and then abruptly shut up as I realized Fairies were staring at me strangely. Why on earth would talking to your shoulder be odd in a fucked up amusement park like Xanthia?

Putting my head down, I continued my conversation. "The Vamps, Martha and Jane, are somewhere in the Magic Mystery Castle."

"Probably in the dungeon. The Dave is down there too. I'm surprised they're still alive."

"Apparently they bargained for their lives," I said as we approached the drawbridge that led to the humongous jewel encrusted doors of the castle.

"I'm simply shocked The Corrine let them live if they are as sexy and as beautiful as you say," she said quietly.

I still wasn't convinced that they weren't Ethan's concubines. Part of me wanted to forget to save them, but that would be wrong and I'd feel horrible. Having a compassionate conscience sucked sometimes.

"Maybe they're as smart as they are hot," Susu surmised.

"Maybe." I shrugged and shoved my jealousy of Martha and Jane to the far recesses of my mind. I had zero time for pettiness.

"I certainly am," Susu added with great conviction.

"You know, a little humility would go a long way. You might actually find some friends."

"I don't need any friends. I have you."

Fucking awesome. "Alrighty then, we're going to slip around the corner and cloak ourselves. It'll be easier to get inside if we're invisible. Are you ready?"

"I was born ready," she said with a giggle that made me grin despite the seriousness of our situation.

"Of course you were."

***

The inside of the castle reminded me a little of Hell—very ornate, very overdone and very dangerous. Huge armed Fairies lined the corridors and roamed the halls. There were massive crystal chandeliers and brocades and velvets everywhere. My lips curled slightly as I thought about how much my Uncle Satan would love the decor in Xanthia until the horrendous pain started. I plastered my invisible body against the wall as I rode out the excruciating muscle pain that ripped through my body at the memory.

"Do you want me to give you your memory back?" Susu asked as she peppered my face with sweet kisses.

"Shhhh," I admonished her.

"Should I speak in your head?"

I nodded as several large and pissed off Fairies turned their heads and looked in our direction. Fuck. I knew they couldn't see us, but we would be so screwed if they heard us.

"So do you want me to fix your brain?" Thankfully, her squeaky little voice was now confined to my head only.

"Can you actually do that?" I asked.

"Um…no clue, but I could try. You would run the risk of getting someone else's memory along with your own, but that could turn out to be very interesting."

"I'll pass, but thank you."

"Let me know if you change your mind. I hate seeing you in pain." Susu was floating around my head again. I'd let her off my shoulder once we were invisible. She'd done some kind of bizarre voodoo so we could see each other. We were an odd but good team.

"I could give you your true form back with a Fairy essence so your Vampyre-Demon odor won't be noticed," she added.

"Did you just imply that I smell?" My eyes narrowed as Susu backed away swiftly.

"Of course you do." She giggled and floated out of reach. "But you're not stinky like the Genie. Vampyres smell like summer wind and Demons smell like brownies."

"The Hell Hounds in Hell smelled like brownies," Shit. I jackknifed forward in agony as the memory of General George Patton and Bambi came back to me. "Motherfucker, I hope I don't have too many memories left," I grunted as the pain in my chest subsided.

"Me too. That just sucks flaming assholes for you."

"That was disgusting, Susu. If you're going to swear with me as the subject stick to metaphors that don't make me want to throw up in my mouth."

"Vampyres can't puke," she informed me.

"Good to know."

"Do you want to look like Astrid again?"

I thought about it. If she changed me back and doused me in the Fairy essence, I could avoid being mobbed as Pink. That could save time and lives. I missed my long hair and my own body. Pink was awesome, but I wasn't too bad myself.

"Yep. Do it…Wait. Do I have to drink something that tastes like ass?" I winced at the recent memory of The Kev's potion.

"Absolutely not." She giggled and flipped. "Mini Elves are the second most magical beings alive. I don't need potions or spells. I am fabulous!"

"Yes, you are." I grinned and then paused. "What are the first most magical beings alive?"

"True Immortals," she whispered reverently.

I was struck dumb. I was a True Immortal. I was related to several other True Immortals. Was she fucking with me? I was one of the most powerful beings alive?

"I'm a True Immortal."

Susu paled and her lavender eyes grew huge. "Who are you?"

"I'm Compassion."

Finally the little shit was speechless—not still, but speechless. She must have bowed to me a hundred times before she ran head first into the fourteen carat gold plated wall. Her excitement was alarming and flattering. I was like a freakin' movie star to her. Was being a True Immortal really such a big deal? Dang it, I wished I could remember.

Susu's eyes were a bit dilated after her session with the wall, but her tiny voice came back with a vengeance. I was a worried she'd given herself a concussion, but I figured she'd survive a common human ailment.

"I can't believe my new best friend is a True Immortal," she squealed. "It really is fitting. We are both gorgeous and powerful and…"

"Humble?" I raised my eyebrows and crossed my arms over my chest.

"Well, no not really, but you can be if you want to. So Astrid or Pink?"

"Astrid," I said. "Can you give me less hookery clothes?"

"Prada? Chanel? Stella McCartney? True Religion?"

"Prada will be just fine." I grinned and slapped a high five with my little buddy. I used my pinkie so I didn't crush her. She was growing on me, kind of like a fungus—an attractive, sweet smelling fungus.

"Shut your eyes," Susu whispered. "It won't taste bad, but it might hurt like a bitch dick of a mother fuckin' bastard asshole."

I grimaced at the fact I had to suffer more pain, but mostly because she'd shoved every legal swear word into one sentence. She was good. Really good.

Chapter 15

When explaining the supernatural to your child, (if you choose to do so) don't leave out the unsavory parts. Most children think Fairies, Elves, Trolls and Unicorns are delightful creatures. They are not—especially the Trolls. Make sure you put the fear of God in your child or he could end up hanging out with the wrong crowd in high school.

Susu was correct. It hurt like a bitch dick of a mother fuckin' bastard asshole. We went to a deserted alcove in the castle just in case I screamed. I didn't. I sucked it back and pictured Ethan. Where was he and was he okay? The thought of losing him was not an option. The faster I could save his gal pals the faster I could get to him and his child. And where in the Hell was The Kev? I didn't sense either of them in this building. They had to be in the Palace. That was where the baby Samuel was being held. I was sure this was the correct order of rescue. I knew the Grand Fun Palace was where The Corrine resided and assumed it would be heavily guarded. Although, after seeing how many guards were in the Castle, I couldn't even imagine the numbers at the Palace.

"Where's the dungeon?" I asked Susu as she fretted over the pain she'd caused me.

"In the dungeon," she replied, totally confused.

"Let me rephrase. How do we get to the fucking dungeon?"

"Ohhhhh." She giggled and darted out of the alcove. "Follow me."

After walking through a maze of hallways that got darker and colder as we went, we reached a set of wide stone stairs flanked by guards. The archway was covered with a huge glistening silver gate and was padlocked with magic. Great. This was going to get complicated. The moans and the screams coming from the dungeon made my stomach roil. The laughter coming from the guards made me want to drop my invisibility and kill them where they stood—very bad plan. Susu gritted her little teeth in fury and growled. I could freeze them and float them high in the air. Susu could fly up and retrieve the keys to the lock. However, floating Dark Fairies would be a dead giveaway that something was afoot. I could pop them, but that might be messy. Fairy pop explosions produced a wildly colorful array of sparkling glitter and fire…Jesus Christ in a miniskirt, again with the migraine in the frontal lobe…I bit down on my lip and bore it. The pain hadn't lessened, but my ability to handle it was improving.

"Memory?" Susu asked.

I nodded tightly and ignored the headache. "We have a little issue here." I nodded to the guards. There was no way to get past them undetected.

"No worries," she stated matter of factly. "Watch this."

Oh my fucking Hell. She wasn't kidding when she said she liked to kill things. She had just omitted the second half of the story. She clearly liked to eat them too. It was fast and disgusting—not the killing part. I had no problem with that. I knew it was us or them. The eating part was what made me queasy. The physics made no sense whatsoever. How did something that tiny consume two three-hundred pound muscular male Fairies? I only watched the first bite or two before I dropped to the floor in despair with another memory. I'd seen this before. My Baby Demons had eaten my horrifically evil Demon father right in front of me. Memories of my mother and her utter disdain and hatred for me came flooding back. The sounds of Susu crunching through bone and slurping things I didn't want to picture were identical to the noises my precious Baby Demons made while joyously ingesting my father. They ate bad Demons…Susu ate bad Fairies. I certainly knew how to pick 'em.

Painful snippets of my mother's death and my time in Hell filled my mind. Satan and Dixie and Mr. Rogers…and Ethan. WTF? Ethan had been in Hell with me? Why had he been in Hell with me? And why why why couldn't I remember? I was so close—so very close.

"Damn, I was hungry," Susu said as she floated over to me.

I slowly opened my eyes and hoped she wasn't covered in blood and guts. Nope. Not a hair was out of place and not a single trace of Fairy was left. I swallowed all my questions. It was difficult, but doable. Even my morbid curiosity couldn't handle the truth.

"So we're using full voice now?" I choked out, feeling the need to hurl. At this point I wasn't so sure Vampyres couldn't throw up. My stomach certainly agreed.

"Yep, nobody around now." She grinned and slapped her full tummy as she picked up the keys off of the floor and opened the gate. "You look a little pale. You okay?"

"Um…I'm great. Next time you are going to eat something fifty times your size, a little warning would be lovely."

"Sorry." She giggled like an idiot. She wasn't sorry at all.

"Come on. Let's find some sexy Vamps and get the Hell out of here."

"Roger that, Captain," Susu said as she saluted me and then picked something out of her teeth. I gagged and quickly turned away. A person could only take so much.

The stairs were lit with torches. I rolled my eyes. How medieval and pretentious could you get? I sensed Fairies and Vamps. Jackpot. Both scents were vaguely familiar…Did I know the seductive Martha and Jane? Was one of our Fairy allies in the dungeon? Was there a traitor in our midst?

At the bottom of the stairs, I stopped. Two paths led to different sections of the prison. I closed my eyes and let my nose take over.

"Wait," Susu hissed. "Do you want to go solid?"

"Why would we do that?" I shook my head and plopped her onto my shoulder.

"So your hot-to-trot Vamps will see us. It will be easier to break them out if they can see someone is here to rescue them. Plus, it pulls on our magic to stay invisible and we're gonna need it."

"Point. You go to the left and I'll go right. Don't yell if you find them. Speak to me in my head. You clear?" I asked as I let my cloaking drop.

"Yes, best friend of mine. I am clear."

I stayed low and close to the wall as I made my way down the corridor. Most of the cells were empty. Where were the Fairies that were moaning and screaming? Dear Uncle God, I prayed it hadn't been Martha and Jane. A force so beautiful and inviting pulled me down the path. A sense of peace warmed me and I felt lighter than I had in days. What the Hell was at the end of the hallway? I felt no fear. Had I lost my edge? Was this some kind of magical compulsion?

Six feet ahead there was a cell. Bits and pieces of sparkling light burst in spurts from the metal bars. I was like a moth drawn to a flame. What was in there? I levitated to silence my footsteps and slowly floated toward the light. I wanted to be part of that magic. It was a sorcery so pure and good I needed it.

I peeked into the cell and swallowed my gasp. In the corner of the cell sat a man—a breathtaking man. His beauty was absurd. He sat quietly with his eyes closed and his face turned toward the sky. His hands rested in his lap and he hummed a haunting tune. His magic swirled around him and made me slightly lightheaded. I felt nothing sexual for him. No, it was different. I wanted him to like me—to smile at me.

"Are you alright?" I whispered.

He opened his eyes and stared. His gaze was questioning and he watched me as I moved closer to the bars of his cage.

"You're not a Fairy," he said softly. Shitballs, had the essence crap that Susu drenched me in not worked? I should have stayed in the body of Pink.

"Yes, I am." As soon as the lie passed my lips I laughed in embarrassment. It was kind of like lying to the Dalai Lama or Mother Theresa or my Uncle God. The man said nothing. He just smiled and waited.

"Okay, um…you're correct. I'm not a Fairy, but you're not supposed to be able to tell. I'm actually a Vampyre-Demon on a mission to save my friends and you saw through my disguise, which means I should kick Susu's ass. Sorry," I muttered. "I meant butt, not ass. Damn it, I did mean ass, but lying to you is fucking hard. Shit, I meant freakin' hard." Diarrhea of the mouth seemed to be my new M.O. "Alright, I did mean fucking, but I know I shouldn't say that. It's unladylike. However, I'm fairly sure I'm not much of a lady, but I don't have full access to my memory at the moment. I'm basically working on half a tank, which sucks…each time a piece of the puzzle comes back I have a mini seizure of sorts. Not very pretty. Oh, and Susu is a Mini Elf that eats bad Fairies like my Baby Demons eat bad Demons, which is totally gross. You know, the kind of thing that makes you want to hurl. I'm a Vampyre and from everything I've heard we can't actually throw up and ahh…Oh my Hell, did you follow any of that?" I asked, mortified.

"Yes my child, unfortunately I followed all of it," he said.

"I am so sorry. You're just…"

"It's alright," he said kindly. "I know. My name is The Dave. Who might I have the pleasure of knowing entirely too much about?"

"Oh my God, you're The Dave?" He nodded and grinned. I almost fell over he was so pretty. I was about to beg him to adopt me, but remembered I hadn't told him my name. "I'm Astrid. The Kev is my friend and teacher. We're here in Xanthia because The Corrine stole a baby and some concubines. She thought the baby was Gemma's."

"Gemma?" He stood and walked to the bars. I couldn't help myself. I took his warm hand in mine.

"Gemma is the True Fairy Queen. She's my best friend and the baby doesn't belong to her. The Corrine was going to trade Gemma for the baby."

"Is Gemma here?" he asked as his eyes lit with joy. "We have waited so long for her."

I absolutely hated to disappoint him. I almost lied again and told him she was down the hall so he would keep smiling at me. "No, it's not safe yet. She's in Hell."

"Interesting."

"Yep, The Kev cut a deal with my Uncle Satan and sent Gemma there because the Fairies won't go to Hell to get her."

"The Kev is a smart man. I worry at the price for such a favor."

"Yeah, well, The Kev didn't care."

"And who are you, Astrid? You are far more than a Vampyre-Demon."

How did this man see so much? He was like The Kev, but wiser somehow. "I'm a True Immortal. I'm Compassion."

"Of course you are."

His delight at my confession made me want to tell him more, but that pretty much covered it. Any more would be lying and I didn't want to go there again.

"You are a sight for sore eyes. I haven't had contact with anyone other than the guards in a very long time," he said.

"How long?" I asked as I gauged if I could break the lock and free him. It was warded with heavy magic.

"Time is relative when you are as ancient as I am, but I believe it's been several hundred years."

"Holy shit, how did you not go nuts? I meant holy cow…no, I didn't."

"It's alright, child." He chuckled as I hung my head in shame. Did I have no filters at all? "As I said, time is relative and I stay alive and well because I wait for our True Queen. The news you have brought me validates my belief and I am happy."

"Let me help you get out of here," I said as sparks began to fly from my fingertips. I was going to blast the fucking lock, free The Dave and then ask him if he'd be interested in adopting me.

"No, Astrid. You must leave me here. There are prophecies that must be fulfilled. This is not in line with what needs to happen. Go and save your friends. I will be fine. You have given me the hope today that I have longed for. It is a gift that is priceless."

"Are you sure?" I asked dejectedly. If I didn't free him, he wouldn't want to adopt me.

"I am sure and if I had a daughter, I'd like her to be just like you."

I shook my head and laughed. "Are you inside my head?"

"No, dear, your face is very transparent. Go now. I can feel that time is of the essence."

"I hope I see you again."

"I wish for the same. Let me give you a gift." He held out his other hand and I took it. He closed his eyes and hummed a tune that made me melt. There was no pain, but an odd sensation washed over me.

"What did you do?" I asked as he released my hands.

"As you regain your mind you will no longer feel pain. It won't be comfortable, but it will not debilitate you. Now go."

I smiled, turned and ran. All of a sudden everything seemed more urgent. Shitfirebitchballs. I knew that I was fated to meet The Dave, but had I lost precious minutes that I needed to save everyone? I flew like lightning toward the other path and ran smack into Susu. We both hit the ground with a thud and then gingerly sat up. For such a tiny thing she had a hard head.

"Watch where you're going much?" she snapped.

"I could say the same. Did you find them?"

"Um…I think so." The bizarre grin on her face made me itchy.

"What?" I demanded.

"Not quite sure how to describe it. You'd better just come with me."

Oh my God, this was going to be bad. I could feel it.

"Oh, and I figured out two more legal potty words," she squeaked with glee.

"Spit 'em out." With the way the day had been going I could use a few more.

"Cock means male chicken and pussy means cat." Her self-satisfied grin made me laugh.

"You are brilliant. Gemma will love you."

"Ohhhhhhhhh, do you really think so?" She shook with excitement. "I so want her to love me."

"She will," I promised. "Now take me to Martha and Jane."

Susu's face scrunched into an expression I couldn't define. Was it constipation? "Um, sure, boss. Your wish is my command."

Her laugh made my stomach churn. Something was up with Martha and Jane. Did I really want to meet Ethan's lovers? No. Was I going to man up and treat them with respect? Yes. Yes, I was. No matter how beautiful they were and how jealous I was, I could do this. I would do this.

This was going to suck.

Chapter 16

Teaching your child to respect his elders is important. The elderly have earned our courtesy and regard. However, if the elder is an asshole simply teach your child to pretend he is from a foreign country and does not speak the language. This will ensure that they can politely ignore the old bastards.

"Is this a fucking joke?" I demanded as I stared at the two old lady Vampyres flipping me the bird from the corner of their cell. "Where are Martha and Jane?"

"Well, if it's not Boobs McGee," one of them said as she hopped up and danced over to the bars. Her clothing was appalling—light blue yoga pants with a lime green halter and black orthopedic shoes. The halter was not friendly to her sagging bosom, but she didn't seem to give a crap. Neither did her almost identical buddy. I closed my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose. We were wasting time we didn't have. Furthermore, I thought Vampyres were supposed to be good looking. These little rude things blew that theory to Hell.

"As far as I know my name is not Boobs McGee. Who in the Hell are you?" I hissed.

She looked at me with wide and surprised eyes. The other little heinous Vamp hustled over to the bars, craned her fleshy neck out and stared.

"You don't know who we are?" she demanded. "What the fuck happened to you?"

Did I know them? They certainly seemed to know me. Was my name really Boobs McGee? I was kind of getting used to Astrid. Boobs McGee was hideous. You couldn't even shorten that one…the nickname would be BM. Nice.

"If I knew who you were I wouldn't ask," I snapped as sparks began to spit from my fingertips. They paled and backed away in terror.

"Hang on to your britches, Hooters McKnockerland," one of them said. It was a little difficult to tell them apart.

"I thought you said my name was Boobs McGee," I ground out through clenched teeth. Why did I feel the need to smack them around? They were old ladies, for God's sake.

They exchanged evil little smirks and cackled with glee. "Actually," the one on the right said, "you go by several names: Knockers Boobtastic, Rack LaGinormous, Chesty McMelons, Titty DuHooter…"

"Betty Badoinkies, Mound LaChesticles, Gazonga Flapdoodle and Pillows Magambos," the one the left added with an incredibly straight face.

"Enough," I yelled. It was clear they could go on all day. If one of those was really my name I was going to kill myself. It had to be around five and I knew from the billboard the American Idol show was at eight—time was running out. "Tell me where Martha and Jane are and I will consider helping you two imbeciles escape."

Their silence and slack-jawed expressions were unnerving. Crap, what was going on here?

"Um…that's Martha and Jane," Susu mumbled.

"Bullshit," I said as I stared in shock at the women that I'd been jealous of for two days. If it wasn't so embarrassing I'd laugh. "You're Martha and Jane?" I demanded as I stalked closer to their cell.

Backing away in fear they nodded like bobble heads. "We are. I'm Martha," the slightly shorter one said.

"And I'm Jane," the other one muttered as she contemplated me like a science experiment.

"What are you staring at?" I huffed out in exasperation.

"It's not as much fun to fuck with you when you don't know who we are," Martha said as Jane grunted in agreement.

I ran my hand through my hair and stared at the floor for a long moment. Clearly I knew them, but I didn't remember them. These were the Vamps I was supposed to save. They were annoying as Hell, but I was certain they were not Ethan's lovers. He'd been telling the truth. How did The Reggie think they were sexy? Would wonders never cease?

"I'm having a little memory snafu at the moment. Don't tell me anything that I don't ask you. It could doom the life of Ethan's child. Do you follow me?"

"Ethan's child?" Martha asked in confusion.

"Yes. Were you kidnapped with the baby?"

"Um…kind of," Jane mumbled, staring at my face like I had multiple noses.

"How in the cocksucking Hell were you kind of kidnapped?" I yelled. I glanced over at Susu who nodded her approval of the way I worked in the legal swear word cock.

"Well," Martha started slowly. "Those fucker Fairies tried to take the baby. We love that wild little thing more than our own lives so Jane here bit the son of a bitch so hard in the ass that her fangs got stuck. He tried to shake her off, but she didn't budge. You should have seen it. That asshat was twerking he was in so much pain. Jane was flopping around like a ragdoll, but she wasn't gonna let go for nothing. I have false teeth so that wouldn't have worked out for me."

"Go on," I said. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. The story was beyond absurd.

"Yep, my teeth were stuck in the fucker’s ass," Jane said proudly. "So Martha here took hold of his nuts and twisted the shit out of them. Ethan was busy ripping the head off of the other one, which was mighty impressive I must say. Anyhoo, Martha had hold of his boys and she shoved them back up into his stomach." Her grin was psychotic, but I was slowly beginning to respect the old biddies. "His voice got real high and tinny and the wimp was sobbing like a girl. She tried to pry little Sammy out of his hands, but he was a strong little bitch. So she just wrapped her hands around his limp pecker and held on for dear life. Next thing we knew we were in this stupid ass amusement park locked up like prisoners."

"Okay then." I was at a slight loss for words. They were certifiable, but they were brave. Ethan was going to have to reward them somehow for trying to defend his son's life—if Ethan and his son were still alive. "I'm going to break you out of here and we're going to get that baby. Ethan has been taken by the Fairies and I have no clue where The Kev is at the moment."

"The gay Fairy?" Jane asked.

"He’s not…" The memory came back. I'd had this conversation before, but thanks to The Dave it didn't hurt. It was a little weird, but not painful. Silently I thanked The Dave. I still had secret hopes that he would adopt me. "He's not gay. Gemma's not his beard and I never should have had you two idiots turned into Vampyres." I rolled my neck as another uncomfortable feeling rolled through me.

"You're remembering and not in the fetal position anymore," Susu noted as she flitted around my head.

"The Dave gave me a gift."

She nodded reverently. "He is goodness."

"Yep, so as I was saying…"

"Oh sweet Puck in harem pants," The Reggie said breathlessly as he came up behind us. "Thank goodness I found you. Everything is a mess."

"Hey sexy pants," Martha yelled as The Reggie blushed furiously.

Oh my Hell. He did think they were sexy.

"Show me that sweet ass, you tiger," Jane cooed and gave him a shimmy that made her torpedo tits sway in a very unflattering way.

"Girls, you are too much," The Reggie said as he preened, yanked down his pants and displayed his backside for all to see.

"Dude, pull up your pants now," I snapped in a partial state of shock. What was happening here? "Do you know where Ethan is and who took him?"

"He's in the Palace with The Corrine. I'm not sure who took him, but The Corrine wants him to become her mate."

"What the fuck?" Jane shouted. "He already has a mate, you assburger."

"Stop." I turned and gave Jane a look so harsh, I was sure she swallowed her tongue. "Does The Corrine think he's Jon Bon Jovi?"

"I am so fucking confused right now," Martha muttered.

"Yes, she does. However, if she knew who he really was, she would want him even more," The Reggie told us. I could tell he wanted to show us his ass again. His hands were poised to yank his pants back down.

"If you pull down your pants again, I will give you a ‘permanent tap that ass’ Kim Kardashian ginormo-butt. Do you understand?" I eyed him and he backed away. His squeal of terror was lovely. I was definitely getting my mojo back.

"Yes," he whispered. "Do you want me to help you free the goddesses?"

"What goddesses?"

"Us, you dumbass," Jane said, completely insulted.

Weird was my new normal. No, scratch that…Fucked up was my new normal. "Yes, The Reggie. That would save me some time and effort. I would appreciate it. Thank you."

He pulled a set of keys from his pocket and opened the lock.

"Is the baby Samuel okay?" I asked as I glanced around for Susu. Where the Hell did she go?

"The baby is fine for now," he answered as he stepped into the cell and laid a wet one on Martha and then Jane. My gag reflex kicked in and I turned away in horror.

That was my first real mistake of the day—and possibly a fatal one.

When I assumed they were done with the PDA, I turned back only to be violently shoved on my ass by a freaked out The Reggie. WTF? He frantically slammed the door of the cell and locked it. I was now locked in the cage with Martha and Jane and The Reggie was on the other side. Not good.

"What's going on?" I shouted and grabbed the bars. "What are you doing?"

"You'll be safe here," he cried out as he backed quickly away from the cell. "I was supposed to keep you safe. You are safe now."

"Son of a bitch," I screamed. "Come back here."

"I can't. I'm sorry." He ran like the Devil was on his heels.

In my fury I shot his departing backside with a blast of magic that would surely result in something heinous. I heard his gasps and screams as he sprinted away. I had no clue what I'd done to him, but I prayed it was hellacious. I rested my head on the bars. I wanted to cry. What else could go wrong?

"Can you sing?" Martha asked.

"Martha, shut your piehole. I have to think."

"No, seriously Boobs, can you sing?" she asked again. I was so close to zapping her ass.

"I'm fairly sure the future of the world is at stake and you’re asking me if I can sing?" I rolled my eyes and banged my head on the bars.

"Listen to her," Jane insisted.

"Fine. No. No, I can't sing," I said as I began to pace the small cell.

"We're fucked," Jane groaned.

"No shit, Sherlock," I snapped. "Wait. What are you talking about?"

"We cut a deal. If we win American Idol tonight we get our freedom. If we lose we get decapitated," Jane told me with a delighted smile on her face. "I was thinking you could join us if you could sing. We're doing our Prince medley."

She was insanity personified.

"Well, it was nice knowing you. I have to get out of here." I rattled the bars of the cell and realized it was warded with some pretty fucked up magic. How did I let a wimpy Fairy lock me in a cell? "When I get out of here I'm gonna kill The Reggie so dead, there will be nothing left of him."

"But he's our boyfriend," Martha protested. "He's one of the good guys."

"No," I said in a voice that would probably cause them nightmares for the next century or so. "He is not a good guy. He just signed a death warrant for Ethan, the baby and possibly The Kev."

"Well, fuck me running naked through Times Square on New Year’s Eve," Jane wailed. "That assjacket had us fooled. Do you think the shit weasel was using us?"

"Don't know. Don't care," I said. "Stand back. I'm busting us out of here."

"Hell to the yeah," Martha cheered. "I'm gonna remove that Fairy's pecker with a dull butter knife."

"Awesome," I muttered as I pulled up magic from deep inside. Black glitter covered my arms and chest and flaming green sparks flew from my fingertips. Jane and Martha cowered in the corner as I aimed at the lock and fired.

Nothing.

"What the Hell?" I ran to the lock and examined it. It was as if nothing had blasted it. My gut clenched and my fury grew. I backed up, gritted my teeth and tried again. Sparks and bursts of purple fire bounced off the walls as we all ducked to avoid frying to a crisp.

Nothing.

This wasn't happening. I thought I was a True Immortal. I was one of the most powerful magical beings in the universe and I couldn't break out of a prison cell?

"Why can't I break it?"

"Dude, you're not at full power because you don't have all of your memory," Susu said as she floated into the cell through the bars.

"Where in the Hell have you been?" I demanded. "I could have used a little help."

"I went to say hi to The Dave." She was ashen faced and ashamed. "I am so sorry."

"What are you and what the Hell can you do?" Jane asked as she examined Susu with narrowed eyes.

"I'm a Mini Elf. I like to kill things and eat them," she said as Martha and Jane quickly backed up and hid behind me. "No worries." Susu giggled. "I only eat bad guys. Big ones."

"Oh…well, in that case, nice to meet you," Jane said as she dropped into what I assumed was a curtsy, but looked more like someone taking a dump.

"What else can you do?" Martha asked as she mimicked her friend's squat and crap move.

"I can change anything visual—color, shape, size. I can also blow up the world."

"Impressive," Martha said. "Problem solved, Knockers Houllihan."

"I assume you're talking to me," I said as I poked and prodded the lock. There had to be a way to break it.

"Yep. Susu can get you and your tremendous bosoms out of here."

"By eating you or blowing up the world?" I inquired in exasperation.

"Nope, by shrinking you to her size. She can do visual fucking voodoo."

I froze. The old bat was brilliant. Susu's eyes lit up and she began to turn flips.

"Can you get us out of here?"

"Yes," she squealed. "I think I can."

"We'll stay here," Martha said. "They'll be coming to get us for the competition soon, and if we're gone, it will cause more motherfucking trouble than it's worth. I'm pretty sure no one but that traitorous shitball The Reggie even knows you're here."

"When did you grow a brain?" I asked as I gaped at her.

"Good one, Jugs McBoobalicious." She chuckled and curtsy crapped again.

"One quick question," I said to Susu. "Can you make me big again after we get out?"

"I'm ninety seven percent sure that I can."

I paused for only a brief moment. "I can live with those odds. Shrink me. Now."

And she did.

Chapter 17

Playing with dolls is fun. Being one? Not so much. If your child ever finds a Genie in a bottle flush it immediately. Many children wish for things that are very difficult to reverse…like being doll sized. If this happens, move to Oz. There are many people of small stature there. And yes, it really does exist.

I giggled as I looked at my tiny hands. I was amazed and thankful that my clothes had shrunk too. Being naked and three inches tall was not my idea of a good time. We flew north through the park, headed for the Palace. Susu had decided we should stay small for a bit. She was positive it would be easier to get into the Grand Fun Palace and we could get around quickly to scope out our plan. I pushed the nagging worry that Susu was terrified that she couldn't make me normal size again to the far recesses of my mind. I'd cross that bridge, hopefully never.

"There it is," she said as she swooped lower.

"Should we cloak ourselves?" I asked as I wondered how much of my magic was available to me at this size.

"Nope. They're all in a tizzy about American Idol and when we fly fast we look like humming birds. Besides, most of them will be drunk on Fairy Juice."

The Palace was grand and beautiful. The rest of the park might be in sad disrepair, but The Corrine's home was pristine. It shimmered in the late day sun. It was all white with solid gold trim. Graceful turrets rose high into the air and poked through the clouds. A crystal clear river circled the Palace and I spotted wildly colored fish swimming in schools. Lavender ivy climbed the walls and masses of blood red roses complemented the perfectly manicured lawns. Hundreds of vicious looking guards also covered the grounds and they didn't appear to be intoxicated at all. Shit.

"Are we going through the front door?" I asked as I hovered high in the air next to my kooky friend.

"Hell no. Do you have a death wish?"

"It was just a question, Asswad," I snapped.

"Well, it was a dumb one, Boobs McGee."

"You clearly don't value your life."

"Why would you say that? I'm fabulous," she trilled as she turned a few flips.

"Because if you call me that again, I'll give you a third nipple and acne." I smiled and turned a flip myself.

"So noted. You see that open window?"

"Nope. There have to be hundreds of windows on the front side alone," I said as I scanned the windows of the Palace.

"Sixth row ten over from the right. It's not open really wide, but there's enough of a crack that we can fit through."

I looked again, but got discombobulated counting windows. "I'm gonna trust you on that."

"Take my hand," Susu instructed. "Keep your eyes open and pull your feet forward when we get close to the ledge or we'll bash into it, which hurts like a motherfucker. Ready?"

"Um…no, but let's do it."

We flew at a speed that unnerved me. I was tempted to shut my eyes, but I wanted to keep my head. With Susu's hand firmly in mine, we made it and landed gracefully.

"Holy shit," I muttered as I peeked through the glass. The room was empty of people, but it looked like a tornado had ripped through it. Expensive furniture, lamps and paintings were broken and lay strewn in pieces all over the place. "Looks like they could use a new cleaning service."

"Hmmm…something is very fucking wrong here. The Corrine is a neat freak. She would never allow this," Susu said as a frown marred her pretty face.

My stomach dropped. The wreckage of the room was clearly from a struggle. The question was, who was struggling? I needed to get in there now. I wedged my little body through the crack and floated around the room. I scented Fairies. I smelled no Vampyres and no Demons. Ethan and his son had not been part of this altercation, thank God…but—oh shit.

"The Kev," I gasped as I wildly looked around the room for clues. "I smell The Kev's blood. Do you know the layout of the Palace?"

"Yes, but it's been a long time," Susu said as she wrung her hands and flew right on my heels.

"What is this room?"

"This entire floor is filled with sitting room and bedrooms," Susu said.

"Follow me. I can feel him. He's not far."

Every instinct I had was buzzing. My hair flew crazily around my head and teeny tiny sparks shot from my little hands. Very few immortals could take The Kev down, but were there Fairies that could? From the scent of things, I'd have to say yes. Fuckbuttdickballs.

We darted from room to room and found nothing but more blood and more decimated furnishings. This battle had been large, but they hadn't used magic…It seemed as if only brute force was used. Odd.

"No magic residue. Why?" I wondered aloud.

"They must have something on him. They have something he can't live without and they threatened him with it, but I could be wrong. Plus, The Corrine would shit a cow if they blew up the Palace with magic."

"Good to know," I muttered as I imagined causing this fucker to go up in flames. "What could they have? Gemma's in Hell."

"What about you, Ethan and the Baby?"

"I'm basically unkillable, but the baby and Ethan can be killed," I ground out as I flew faster through the rooms, looking for any clue to The Kev's whereabouts. It wasn't until we came to a locked door that I knew we'd hit pay dirt. He was in there, but I had no clue what shape he was in.

"Under the door," Susu said as she yanked me to the floor.

"I was going to blow it out." I told her as I tried to pull away.

"Absofuckinglutely not, even though it would be all kinds of awesome to piss off The Corrine." She slapped her hands on her hips and put her finger in my face. I was tempted to bite it, but I wanted to hear her reasoning. "No announcing our presence. I only sense one Fairy on the other side of the door, but I am not going in all vigilante. There's a reason I'm over seven thousand years old."

"Good point. Well made," I said. I was glad I didn't bite her. "Let's crawl."

It was a tight fit, but we managed. What I saw made me want to scream, but I held it in. I wouldn't be helping The Kev if I called attention to our rescue mission. He was bound in thick iron chains. Iron for Fairies was like silver for Vamps. He'd been beaten within an inch of his immortal life and the iron kept his body from healing itself. If I didn't know it was The Kev by his scent and aura, I would have bet money that this was not my friend and mentor—he was almost unrecognizable. Fury built inside me at the injustice. They would pay for this and I would be collecting.

"Motherfucker," I hissed as I flew to The Kev. His eyes were practically swollen shut, but his lips curled into a semblance of a smile as he heard my voice.

"Astrid?" he whispered brokenly.

"Who did this to you?" I demanded as I darted around the iron chains searching for a weak link. I had to get this shit off of him or he would die. I had no plans to explain to Gemma that The Kev was no more. "I'm going to blast the iron. It's gonna hurt."

"Do it," he choked out. "I'm numb to pain now anyway."

I was tiny, but I knew in my gut that meant nothing. I might blow myself up in the process of freeing him, but leaving The Kev and letting him die was not an option. Hopefully since the Sword of Death wasn't involved I would be able to come back from anything—even blowing myself to smithereens.

Here goes nothing. I closed my eyes and pulled magic from the bottom of my soul. My small body jerked and swayed as the rush of power exploded inside me. I was floating away from him until I felt little hands on my back, pushing me to where I needed to be.

"Susu, there's a chance I'm going to implode," I frantically told her as the heat from the Black Magic coursed through my veins.

"I know," she said simply.

"I can come back from this. You can't."

"I know," she repeated. "If he dies Gemma will lose her will to live. I will have no purpose. I will take my chances. Free him, because I'm getting hungry and some bad Fairies are sounding quite tasty at the moment. Plus, I can help you. You're too small right now to do this alone."

"Make me bigger," I told her. My voice sounded desperate to my own ears. "Do it quickly."

Susu chewed on her lips and I realized she wasn't sure she could restore my size. Fuck me, I knew this was a chance I took, but if I was successful in saving The Kev, Ethan, the baby, Martha and Jane it would simply be the price I would have to pay.

"Forget it," I yelled as a wind laced with my Black Magic began to billow ominously throughout the room. There was no time to experiment and even less time for error. "Just help me."

Something foreign and mystical entered my system and whipped airily through my body. Susu was breathing hard and chanting in a language that I had no hopes of understanding. It centered me and cleared my mind. I had no clue what voodoo she was doing, but it was perfect. Focusing on the iron chains, I envisioned The Kev's body covered in a protective light and mentally sent a shield to protect him—hopefully that would be enough. I was ninety eight percent sure I could do this, which were slightly better odds than me being normal size again.

With a quick prayer to my Uncle God, I closed my eyes and let her rip. The explosion of magic was certain to be noticed, but that was now beyond my control. Pressure like I'd never felt threw Susu and me across the room with such speed and violence I was sure we were goners—or at least she was. The wall felt like a mountain as my tiny body connected with it. Fuck, I should have told her no. How could she live through this? Hell, how could The Kev live through this? The wind was brutal and glittering icy pink and blue flames engulfed The Kev. Fighting the wind, I flew to Susu and put her unconscious body on the remnants of a soft pillow and then I fought my way to the magical inferno that was The Kev.

"Fuckshitfuckfuckfuck, please don't let him be a crispy Fairy corpse when the fire dies out," I whispered as I watched in horror. I shook my head as an instant calm washed over me. Memories flowed back. I was Compassion. My power was for justice. Saving The Kev was right. I knew I was capable of great violence, but it would always be for the purpose of fairness and empathy.

"Enough," I yelled at the fire. The sound of iron chains clanking open was music to my ears. With a grunt and a small scream, I doused the fire and flew to the unharmed The Kev.

"Ohmygodohmygodohmygod," I cried out as I ran my tiny hands all over his face. He was breathing and his body began to heal before my eyes. "You're okay."

Prying one still swollen eye open he gasped and stared at me in shock. "Are we dead?"

"No, jackass. I saved you."

"Krumecaca, you are the size of my pinkie finger. Either I'm hallucinating or we're dead."

"Oh no," I shrieked. "Susu!" I darted over to where she lay and my stomach lurched. She didn't look so good. She was still out, her hair was a mess, her bones were at an angle they shouldn't be. Her clothes were torn and she was bleeding from all sorts of places. She would fucking hate this. She adored being beautiful. To me she was more exquisite than ever, but I was certain she would disagree. Why in the Hell did I let her risk her life?

The Kev crawled over and looked at the little Mini Elf. "Is that Susu?" he asked as he gently took her small broken body in his palm.

"Yes." My voice sounded hollow and my non-existent heart hurt.

"Poor little Elf," The Kev cooed as he softly blew on her.

A poof of silver and pink glitter engulfed my tiny buddy as The Kev continued to blow on her. Slowly, her broken body mended and the wounds closed. However, her clothes and hair were still a wreck.

"Um, The Kev?"

"Yes, Astrid?"

"Susu is a little, um, vain…is there any way you could repair her outfit and hair too?" I asked. If you do not ask you shall not receive.

"That, my precious child, is an understatement. Susu borders on narcissistic, but she delights me and I adore her." The Kev laughed as he snapped his fingers and conjured a lovely new gown for Susu and put her hair right back into place.

"She Gemma's Guardian Angel," I whispered as her gorgeous eyes slowly opened.

"I thought as much," The Kev said.

"Holy fucking shithellbastarddickpussycock, what happened?" Susu sat up and rubbed her head in confusion.

Her use of all the legal swear words in one sentence made me smile. She was going to be fine.

"You almost bit the dust," I told her as I grabbed and trapped her in a tight hug. "What the fuck were you thinking?" I yelled.

Her grin made me laugh and I reluctantly released her. She winked at The Kev and blew him a little kiss. "I hear you're boinking my new charge."

"You would be correct, little Elf," he said as his big body sagged against the wall. He still looked like Hell.

"Do you love her with every fiber of your being and will you treat her right for all eternity?" she asked with her little arms crossed over her chest.

"Yes and yes," The Kev replied and then closed his eyes in exhaustion.

"Okay," she said happily. "I'm good with that."

"How were they able to trap you like this?" I wanted to let him rest but I needed answers.

"They threatened Samuel. They sliced his skin in front of me. I let them bind me so they would stop," he said in a voice so laced with hatred that I moved back.

Wait. What? Those bastards took a knife to a baby? Ethan's baby? A feeling I didn't know I possessed came roaring to the surface. Sparks of every color under the rainbow flew from my fingers and I trembled with rage. Susu darted away from me and The Kev took cover under a broken table. There was no sound guttural and mournful enough to make. I was sickened and felt like part of my soul had been ripped out. What the fuck was happening to me? Nothing could satisfy my rage. I wanted to peel my skin and weep to the Heavens. A lot of somebodies were going to die tonight.

"If they take the life of the child there will be nothing left of Xanthia." I paced the room like a caged animal. I needed to calm down or I would be of no use to anyone.

"They cannot kill him," The Kev said as he risked his life by coming closer to me. "Not without the Sword of Death."

I froze in my tracks. "He's a True Immortal?"

"He is." The Kev nodded. He picked me up and placed me in his hand. "They cannot kill Samuel, but mentally they can scar him."

This information relieved me somewhat, but Fairies were still going to die tonight.

"How many True Immortals are there?" Susu asked as she flew over and sat next to me in The Kev's palm.

"Nine, and Samuel is the most powerful of them all."

"Why doesn't he just kill the shit out of everyone here?" Susu asked what I thought was a pretty good question.

"He's just a baby," The Kev said as he stared at me intently. "He doesn't understand his power yet and he is quite reckless with the power that he has discovered."

"He needs his father," I said quietly.

"And his mother," The Kev added.

God, that statement tore through me. "Yes," I conceded sadly. "He does. I need to kick ass and take no prisoners. I need to save Ethan and his son so we can bring them back to his mother."

The Kev closed his eyes and looked up at the ceiling for a long moment. Slowly his gaze dropped back to me. "Yes, Astrid. That is what we need to do."

"Well, what the fuck are we waiting for?" Susu asked. "I'm hungry."

"I need time to recover," The Kev said.

"We don't have time," I said as I took to the air and flew in agitation around the room.

"We'll go and you will join us when you can," Susu told The Kev as she fluffed her hair and smoothed her dress. "Oh. My. God," she screeched. "This dress is fabu! I look gorgeous!"

Ignoring her, I flew back and got in The Kev's face. "What do we need to know?"

"The American Idol competition will start shortly. Let Martha and Jane sing so they save themselves. Their singing is horrendous, but it is absolutely brilliant compared to what you will hear from the Fairies," he said as he grimaced. "With saving Ethan and Samuel, it will be better if they win their own lives back. Too much could go wrong if we try to save them all."

It made sense, but it didn't make me happy. "What else?"

"Ethan will be with The Corrine," he spat with disgust. "She wants him as her mate."

Now I was really unhappy. "First of all, he already has a mate," I hissed. "And second of all, that will happen over my dead body."

"You are really hung up on that Vamp," Susu stated the unfortunate obvious.

"No, I'm not," I shouted. "I just don't want Samuel to lose his father. Besides, I'm already married to someone and I have at least sixteen or nine-ish kids."

"You're fucking with me," Susu gasped with shock. The Kev was staring at the ceiling again…

"Look, I can't remember, but I know I have someone. Okay?"

"Um, okay," Susu muttered.

"And I don't want to talk about it. Got it?"

"Yep," she said.

"Ever," I stated firmly.

"Roger that," she said.

"I really don't want to talk about the fact that I am obsessed with someone who's married with a kid. I don't want to think about his perfect ass or his full lips or that I tried to ride him like a cowboy and he turned me down. I am clearly a ho-bag with no morals. This is bad and my human husband won't hold a candle to Ethan, but that's just tough shit because he loves his mate and I can't have him. So do not bring this clusterfuck of inappropriate thoughts up. Ever again."

They both stared at me like I was insane. They were correct. "So," I said in a business-like tone. "Is there anything else?"

I could tell The Kev was searching for his voice. Susu simply looked stunned.

"They plan to bring the baby out at the end of the show. The Corrine believes this will force Ethan to take her as his mate," The Kev added.

"You mean Jon Bon Jovi?" I asked.

"Yes." He nodded. "But Ethan has the power to drop the disguise at any time."

"Does he know this?" I shook my head in confusion as The Kev nodded again. "Well then, why wouldn't he show his true self if The Fucking Corrine wants Jon Bon Jovi?"

The Kev hesitated for a beat. "That would be far worse. The Corrine has been obsessed with Ethan for centuries."

That made no sense whatsoever, unless…"Oh my Hell. Did he pop The Corrine?" The Kev nodded. "He wouldn't pop me but he popped The Corrine?" I screeched at the top of my tiny lungs. Susu backed away in terror.

"It was three hundred years ago and it meant nothing to him. However, The Corrine has never gotten over him," he said.

"Was he married then?" I ground out.

"No. He had no mate then. He's only recently mated."

For some reason that didn't make me feel any better. Imagining anyone touching him but me made my skin crawl—including his wife. After this was over I would never see him again. I couldn't. I wouldn't survive seeing him happy with someone else. Guilt at my immoral thoughts ate at my insides. Hopefully when my memory came back, I would realize how much I loved my husband and all thoughts of Ethan would fade away.

"Does The Corrine still believe that Samuel is Gemma's baby?" Susu asked.

"No, she doesn't," The Kev said. "But she's holding that one close to her chest. If the Fairies realize she's stolen the wrong child, her credibility will be gone and they will kill her."

"Not if I get to her first," I said as I flew to the door. "Get your strength and hurry your ass up. You're not going to want to miss this party. Susu?"

"I'm right behind you, Boss."

"I hope you’re really hungry because we're gonna off a whole bunch of Fairies."

Chapter 18

Singing lullabies to your child is a lovely bedtime ritual—unless you're tone deaf. If this holds true, we suggest downloading music and playing it to your child or hiring someone to come in and warble to your offspring at bedtime. Off pitch singing can scar a child and cost you thousands in therapy.

Making our way to the first floor of the Palace was complicated.

"Why in the Hell aren't the stairwells connected?" I asked. We had to fly down crazy zigzagging hallways to find each set of stairs. Mirrors that made us look warped and weird lined the halls and each door we passed was a different color. Fairies had shitty taste.

"It's the Grand Fun Palace," Susu explained. "This is supposed to be fun."

"Oh my Uncle God, this is so not fun," I mumbled as I passed a mirror that made me look like a fat pig with an elongated head.

"Agreed. Wait." Susu yanked me into an alcove on a floor that looked like it had suffered quite a bit of fire damage—not normal fire. Magical fire.

Six Fairies hustled down the hall in mounting states of panic. They were beautiful, but something was way off. Their skin color resembled a rainbow. I had to slap my little hand over my mouth so I didn't laugh—red, purple, yellow, blue, green and orange. WTF?

"What's wrong with them?" I whispered to Susu as they hustled by. They were muttering and a few were crying. One Fairy rubbed at her skin with a vengeance to no avail. The purple was going nowhere fast.

"I have no fucking idea," she whispered back in shock. "I have never seen anything like that. Maybe there's a disease going around."

"I certainly hope it's not contagious."

"No shit," she muttered as she checked her own skin.

I took in the damage to the walls and the rooms. It was a freakin' mess. "I thought The Corrine was a neatnik."

"She is. Something is really wrong here."

A new group of Fairies with normal skin color made their way warily down the corridor. They were headed in the direction that the diseased Fairies had just run from. None of them appeared happy. In fact, they looked terrified.

"Is this a punishment of some kind?" I asked.

"If it is, it's seriously fucked," Susu replied. "Should we check it out?"

"No. No time. We have to get to the competition. If we have time later we can come back up here."

"Sounds fair. The ballroom is only one more floor down. You ready?"

"Absofuckinglutely." I gave Susu a high five and we took off like little hummingbirds from Hell. I wasn't lying—I was so ready I could taste it.

***

"Shut the fuck up," I said to Susu. We were on a structural beam high atop the ballroom watching the festivities below. "That's really Simon Cowell, Paula Abdul and Randy Jackson?"

"In the Fairy flesh," she said and grinned.

"Do you know them?"

"Nope, I haven't been in your realm in thousands of years. Too many rules," she told me as she conjured up two bags of tiny popcorn.

"We're not really here to enjoy the show and I can't eat food. Vampyre," I reminded her as I rolled my eyes and sniffed the popcorn longingly.

"Do you want some blood?" She shoved the precious popcorn in her mouth as I watched with envy.

I wrinkled my brow as I considered her offer. What in the Hell would Elf blood do to me? I was hungry. The last time I'd eaten was from The Kev… "Will it hurt you?"

"Nope."

"Have you ever fed a Vampyre before?" Was I crazy to be considering this? Probably.

"Nope." She grinned and shrugged. "Never met one my size."

"What do you think it will do to me?" I asked as my fangs involuntarily dropped.

"Don't know. What happens when you drink from The Kev?" She asked with a mouthful.

"I get some of his power, I think."

"Then drink up, dude. You're gonna need all the power you can get since I'm only eighty-three percent sure I can make you big again."

"I thought you never lied," I said stiffly, realizing I would have taken those odds too. "What happened to ninety-seven percent?"

"Wishful thinking is not lying," she huffed and offered me her wrist.

I'd have to remember that one for future use. I took her little wrist in my hand and prayed. Not just to Uncle God…nope, this time I prayed to all of them, including Satan. I need everyone at this point—good, bad and ugly.

"Tell me to stop if it hurts or I take too much."

"Will do." She giggled and waved her wrist in front of my face. I shook my head and sunk my fangs in. "It tickles," she squealed.

Oh my God. My eyes rolled back in my head and I think I purred. She had the same gift as Gemma. I could taste the delicious popcorn mixed with her sweet blood. This rocked. I drank as much as I felt safe doing and licked the wound to close it.

"You're like Gemma," I told her.

Her eyes went wide and her little body trembled with joy. "I am?"

"Yep. I could taste the popcorn in your blood."

"I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. She was meant to be mine. I am going to love her so much. Do you think she'll love me?" She paused and before I could get a word in she barreled on. "How could she not love me? I am beautiful and well dressed and I'm fun. Did I say beautiful? I meant gorgeous. Anyhoo, I will destroy anything that tries to harm her and I will do her makeup and hair. What's not to love?" she demanded seriously.

"Nothing," I assured her. "She will love you—warts and all."

"I have no warts."

She was so appalled that I laughed. "You might want to tone down the self love a bit."

"I have no idea what you're talking about." She shoved more popcorn in her mouth and swung her little legs over the rafters. "Shh, it's starting."

She was correct that it was starting. The excitement in the room bordered on hysteria. These Fairies took their reality shows very seriously. Searching for Martha and Jane turned out to be fruitless. I supposed they were hidden somewhere in the back of the massive stage. I wondered idly for a moment what they were wearing. Whatever they'd chosen was certain to be hideous. Little bits and pieces were coming back. I had a vague memory of teaching them art. Shrugging, I pushed it aside. I needed to focus on the here and now. My memory would come back. I was sure of it.

Sweet baby Satan, the stage was grotesque. This was far more than any Hollywood set. It was drenched in magic and literally sparkled. The archway around the stage was encrusted with jewels of every kind and the floor was solid gold. The Simon, The Paula and The Randy sat in chairs that looked like thrones. They waved like the Queen of England would to the delighted crowd. This was fucking nuts and as tacky as Hell. Literally. I scanned the room for Ethan and I couldn't find him. All of the female Fairies below were exquisite so I didn't know which one was The Corrine either. Damn it, where was Ethan?

I turned to Susu to ask, but her narrowed gaze and hisses of hatred clued me in to the fact that the bitch had arrived. I centered myself and looked down.

I should have nailed my ass to the rafter because what I saw made me want to fly like a speeding bullet and knock her head off of her body. She was the most beautiful woman in the room except for Susu. No wonder Susu had been banned…The Corrine looked like she did not like competition. However, neither did I. Her curvy body was plastered all over a very furious and unhappy Ethan, aka Jon Bon Jovi. His lips were thin and his irate magic rolled off of him in waves. Couldn't she tell how much he hated her? He could rip her head off without even blinking. Why was he letting her do this to him?

"I have to kill her," I snapped as I prepared to fly down and destroy her.

"No," Susu hissed and grabbed me with a strength I didn't know she possessed. "You'll fuck it all up. Let Martha and Jane sing and then you can rip her to shreds."

"Why is he just standing there and letting her slime all over him?" I demanded as I tried to break free of her hold. Shit, she was really strong.

"The baby. I'm sure she's threatened him with the baby—same as The Kev."

"She did," an unfamiliar little voice informed us.

"Yep, I heard the slut bag ho-mamma say she'd cut the child to shreds if he didn't mate with her skanky ass," another chimed in.

WTF? Two tiny Mini Elves appeared and sat their perfect little asses down next to us. I was speechless. I didn't know more existed. The cat may have had my tongue, but Susu was another story.

"What do you think you're doing here?" she shouted. "You left me in a bar and disappeared."

"That was nine hundred and eighty years ago," the one on the right sniffed. "Are you still not over that?"

This was insane and I really didn't have time to deal with Mini Elf drama. I had my own drama unfolding before my eyes. However, their arrival did stop me from killing The Corrine before I was allowed to. Point for them.

"Who in the fuck are you?" I demanded as I pulled Susu back. She had rolled up her sleeves and was preparing to fight. Not happening.

"Who are you?" the one on the left fired back. "You're very pretty, but you are not a Mini Elf. I sense Vampyre and Demon."

"You sense right. Now answer my question first or I'll let Susu loose on you."

They backed away and grumbled indignantly.

"I'm Lulu," the gorgeous one with skin as black as night, deep chocolate eyes and a shock of wild blue hair on her perfect head said. Amazingly, she made the blue tresses work.

"Of course you are," I drawled and laughed. "And who are you?" I asked the one with creamy skin, mounds of auburn curls, green eyes and freckles. "Tutu?"

"Absolutely not." She was beyond insulted. Her face reddened with fury and Susu giggled. "Tutu is a two-timing hooker with bad breath and toe fungus," the tiny redhead hissed. "If you ever call me that again, I will go ballistic on your ass. My name is Huhu."

"I'm in Hell," I muttered. "I'm hanging out with Elves named Susu, Lulu and Huhu."

"I can assure you you're not in Hell," Huhu said. "You're in Xanthia, and while Hell is tacky as all shit, Xanthia is tackier. I've been. Trust me on this."

"I've been too, little Elf, and I'd have to agree with you," I said. I wondered why she had been down under.

"Your name?" Lulu asked with her hands on her hip.

"Astrid, aka Boobs McGee," I told her.

Susu rolled around on the girder in a fit of giggles.

"What's so funny?" Huhu asked, confused. "Boobs McGee isn't that bad." Lulu nodded her agreement.

"Whatever. She's a True Immortal Vampyre-Demon, so don't fuck with her," Susu said as she regained control of herself. The two others stared at me in awe. "Why are you here and why shouldn't I kill you dead where you stand? I got locked in a fucking Genie bottle because you two imbeciles left me in that bar."

"Oh my stars," Lulu gasped and fell to her knees. "I am so sorry. We had no idea. We thought you were grooving on the Mini Warlock with the tight ass and Gucci shoes."

WTF? Mini Warlocks exist?

"I was," Susu snapped. "He had an enormous package and was fabu in the sack. However, twelve days later I was abducted by a fucking Genie and shoved in a bottle for five hundred years."

I cleared my throat and gave her the eyeball. Extending the years with a stinky Genie was not wishful thinking.

"Fine." She rolled her eyes and stamped her foot. "It was slightly less than five hundred years, but it felt like it."

"I'm a little confused here," Lulu said as she wrinkled her brow in thought. "How in the fucking shit were we responsible for that? You got laid by a Warlock with a huge Johnson. We weren't even around when you got kidnapped."

She had a point.

Susu darted up in the air, kicking her legs and swearing. She huffed and puffed—basically threw a hissy fit. She gathered herself and slowly floated back down. Apparently she was done. I bit down on my lip so I wouldn't laugh, but I stayed poised to yank her off of Huhu and Lulu. There was no telling what she would do.

"You're right," she admitted sheepishly to her very relieved friends. "I forgot. You know how it is. Sometimes the centuries all meld together." The other tiny crazies nodded in agreement and then they all hugged and kissed each other.

"Look, I'm happy that you and your buddies are friends again, but I'm here to basically save the world and you guys are a distraction."

"Ohhh, we want to help," Lulu said in a bloodthirsty voice that made me a little uncomfortable.

"Yes, we will help," Huhu agreed readily. "How is it that you're tiny like us?"

Susu blanched and pretended to be engrossed in the preshow activities below.

"Susu," Huhu gasped. "You didn't."

Lulu started to pace and wring her hands. A pit developed in my belly and I turned to Susu and waited.

"It was the only way to save her and everyone else in this clusterfuck. She was trapped in a cell with two heinously dressed, older than dirt, singing Vampyres and she was too large to escape…so I shrunk her," Susu screeched. "What else was I supposed to do?"

"Did you shrink the other Vamps?" Lulu inquired.

"No. They're singing for their lives tonight. Literally. I only shrunk Astrid. However, as I told you before, Astrid's a True Immortal. Only half of her brain is working at the moment and the point is she needed me."

"I thought her name was Boobs McGee," Huhu said.

"Shut up, Huhu," Susu snapped.

"Holy shit." Lulu was beside herself, which made the pit in my stomach grow to a boulder. "You shrunk a fucking True Immortal?"

"Um…yes," Susu admitted morosely.

"She's eighty three percent sure that she can make me big again," I volunteered lamely.

"It's a very fucking good thing we're here," Huhu said as she rolled up her sleeves. "Susu could never make you big by herself, but the three of us have a twenty-six and a half percent chance of doing it if we work together."

I gave Susu a look that could kill and put my hand on my stomach to calm the storm that was in full swing. "Twenty-six and a half?" I choked out. Those odds sucked. At least when I got home, I wouldn't have to worry about telling my husband I was in love with another man…he'd take one look at the tiny me and kick my ass to the curb. One problem solved. Hell, I hoped my thirteen kids would understand.

"It's better than two percent," Huhu said as she slapped Susu in the head.

"I'm gonna try to look at the positive here," I said tersely. "It's difficult, but I will try."

"See?" Susu trilled. "She's not mad and it will all be fine."

"Cakehole…shut it," I ground out.

"Roger that."

"Okey-dokey, True Immortal-Vampyre-Demon," Lulu said as she and Huhu approached me dangling their wrists. "Drink up."

"Why?" I asked suspiciously. I wasn't sure if this would help or keep me mini-sized for all eternity.

"Because we have to be connected to you in order to have a chance in Hades that this will work," Lulu explained.

Time was wasting and the show was ready to start. I grabbed their wrists and drank. They both giggled like loons while Susu jumped around like a cheerleader. No one was going to believe this if I made it out of here in one piece. No one.

Lulu had eaten cookies—chocolate ones and Huhu had clearly had indulged in sour cream and onion chips. Not a good combo, but I couldn't be picky at the moment. I was simply thrilled they hadn't eaten any bad Fairies—I did not want to know what that tasted like. I licked the puncture marks and closed the wounds.

"That was awesome!" Huhu and Lulu squealed as they danced around me in glee.

"Thank you and you're welcome. You should both lay off the junk food."

They stared at me in confusion.

"She can taste what we've eaten," Susu explained as the girls oohed and ahhed at this bizarre information. "Now let's lay it out, boss. Tell these gals what they need to know."

I did. As I told them every little detail as their eyes grew rounder with excitement. They were bloodthirsty little nut jobs. Thankfully, they were on my side.

"So let me get this straight," Huhu said as she sat down on the rafter and chewed her little nails. "Bon Jovi is really Ethan in disguise. He's some kind of Prince and the buttjamber, The Corrine, mistakenly stole his baby thinking it was Gemma's, who is the true Fairy Queen. That assbag wants to mate with Ethan and she's using the baby as collateral. And by the way, congrats on bagging that job with Gemma, Susu." Susu preened as the other two turned green with envy.

I ignored the petty bullshit and waited for more questions.

"So," she continued. "The disgusting old Vamps will sing or get decapitated and then we get to eat The Reggie and The Corrine?"

"Kind of," I said. "The main goal here is to save Ethan and his baby Samuel. Eating The Reggie and The Corrine will be a bonus."

"I can work with that," Lulu said agreeably.

"It seems to me you have a somewhat unhealthy obsession with Jon Bon Jovi," Huhu observed.

My eyes narrowed and sparks began to fly from my fingertips. They back away and huddled together.

"She does," Susu volunteered. "But don't talk about it. Ever. She's married to some human dude and has twenty-four kids. Plus, Ethan is married to someone else. So mum’s the word."

"Um…" Lulu raised her hand.

"Yes?" I snapped.

"You have twenty-four children?"

"No. At least I don't think I do…I might. I just can't remember."

"Wow, that sucks," Huhu said as she patted my shoulder in sympathy.

"Yes, it does," I said morosely. "Now watch the show. We'll strike at the end after Martha and Jane win."

"Is that all the plan you have?" Huhu asked.

"Yep. I like to work by the seat of my pants," I said with way more confidence than I felt.

All three of them exchanged glances and shrugged.

"Sounds good to me," Susu said.

"Me too," Huhu added.

"Me three," Lulu chimed in.

"Me four," I said with a smile that didn't quite reach my eyes. "Everything will be fine."

It had to be.

Chapter 19

Children are resilient. Adults, not so much. While it is responsible to monitor what your child watches on television, make sure you protect yourselves from the truly horrid things that come over the airwaves (mainly reality shows except for Project Runway—that one is fine). While children may forget with time, adults can be scarred for life. We are serious.

Tone deaf was a supreme understatement. Listening to Fairies sing was like chewing glass and swallowing it. The four of us winced in agony as Fairy after Fairy butchered everyone from Madonna to Steven Perry. Satan would blow a gasket if he heard them desecrating his idol.

"I'm going to die," Lulu moaned as a gorgeous Fairy proceeded to destroy Christina Aguilera's “Beautiful”.

"Holy Hell," I mumbled. "I might join you."

The Simon was not kind at all. He was more vicious than he'd ever been on the version of American Idol I'd seen. Fairies left the stage wailing while The Paula sipped on Fairy Juice, smiling inanely and The Randy simply shook his head in despair. This was a train wreck, but the audience loved it. I watched in disgust as The Corrine clapped wildly and pawed Ethan. He sat in stony silence and ignored her advances.

"Soon, baby," I promised the beautiful man who I couldn't have. "I will save you soon," I whispered.

"They're next. Martha and Jane are next," Susu screamed in relief. "Please God, let them be better than this shit that's making my eardrums bleed."

"Hell," Huhu chimed in. "If they get the lyrics right, that's a sure win."

I felt like I'd heard them sing before…it wasn't good, but it wasn't as bad as what we'd heard thus far.

"And now," the Fairy emcee shouted over the crowd, "we bring you the Vampyres, Martha and Jane. They will be doing a Prince medley for your listening pleasure."

The crowd went silent. Several Fairies booed and hissed. Fuck. This did not bode well for Martha and Jane keeping their heads. The lights went down and they came on the stage. I gasped and covered my eyes. They were wearing purple lingerie trimmed in purple sequins and feathers. Their pendulous boobs had pasties over them and their hoohoos were covered with barely there G-strings. It was vomit-inducing. But the crowning jewel were the knee-high stockings with brown orthopedic shoes. Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. I opened my eyes and waited for the bloodbath to begin.

A mirrored ball began to rotate over their heads and the band started to play “Little Red Corvette”. I couldn't look. It was too horrible. I wracked my brain for a plan B. I was going to have to save all of them now. Where in the Hell was The Kev? I was definitely going to need him.

"Oh my galaxies!" Lulu gasped with pleasure. "They are so cute and they can sing. It's not great, but I don't feel the need to hurl anymore."

Wait. What? She thought they were cute? Was she smoking crack? Huhu obviously agreed. She was clapping and singing along. However, Lulu was correct. They weren't awful. They were bad, but not awful.

Slowly Fairies in the audience began to sway and sing along. They were loving it. Martha and Jane were in Heaven if their pelvic thrusts and obscene gyrations were any indication. They sang their old lady hearts out and the Fairies were screaming with unabashed hero worship. Never in my life had I seen anything so redonkulous.

The Simon and The Randy were on their feet cheering, but The Paula was passed out on the table. I was unsure if it was the performance or the Fairy Juice. It didn't matter—all Martha and Jane needed were two yes votes to win—actually one. All of the rest of the contestants had gotten zero yes votes. The only unhappy person was The Corrine. She was clearly pissed that there would be no decapitations tonight. She shouldn't be so sad. There were definitely going to be some heads rolling tonight—just not Martha and Jane's.

Martha and Jane ended their medley in a bizarre version of the splits and the crowd went bonkers. The Simon ran out and tackled the old bags with joy and the emcee ran out with a huge trophy. Martha and Jane sobbed and bowed over and over as the Fairies tried to touch their new Goddesses. Unbelievable, but good. They were safe. I hoped.

"Oh my stars," Lulu said. "I want to wrap them up and keep them!"

"I get one too," Huhu said.

They were nuts, but I had no time to explain how insane the two old bats were. It was time for the finale. My finale.

"Are you guys ready?" I was poised for flight. I still had no clue what I was going to do, but I'd figure it out as I went. I was fifty-nine percent sure that the Mini Elves would follow my lead and not fuck me up. Decent odds.

"Wait," Susu screamed and held onto me before I plunged into the chaos. "The Ho-bag From Hell is going to speak. She's got Ethan with her.”

It was against everything in me to hold back, but we needed to hear what she said. Hopefully it would determine my next move.

"Ladies and gentlemen," she purred as she ran a manicured nail down Ethan's face. Her beauty was mesmerizing, but her insides were rotten. He turned his head as she tried to kiss him and the crowd tittered uncomfortably. She turned on them with a look so vicious we gasped from all the way up in the rafters.

"This is fucked," Susu murmured.

I couldn't have agreed more.

"I'd like to announce the wonderful news. I am to be mated to Jon Bon Jovi. Tonight," she said as the Fairies clapped excitedly. "Jon Bon Jovi will be our King and the child of the one who wrongly calls herself the True Queen shall be mine!"

The crowd clapped again, but whispers ran rampant through the rows of the Fairies. Maybe they weren't all her loyal subjects. Fuck. A mass blowup of Fairies was now out of the question. I could not kill innocent people, but how in the Hell was I going to be able to tell the difference? I'd cross that bridge when I came to it.

She wrapped her arms around Ethan and literally humped him on the stage. A rage akin to the one I felt earlier bubbled to the surface and I seethed with fury. Sparks flew off of me and not just from my fingertips. I was literally one big rainbow of deadly glittering flames.

"Oh shit," Huhu squeaked. "What do we do?"

"Make me big," I hissed. "Make me big now. Do it," I yelled as the flames around my body increased. There was no way in Hell a flaming hummingbird was going to cause enough damage. I needed to be me. "Now," I hissed as they backed away in fear.

They grabbed hands and chanted. Susu began glowing first and the others soon followed. I had not seen anything so stunning ever. I felt something twitch inside of me as the chanting became more intense and the glowing ramped up to where I couldn't actually look at them anymore. It hurt getting little, but that was nothing compared to what happened next. I would have welcomed death in the short minutes that it took the voodoo to make me big.

Glancing at myself, I grimaced and grinned. I was alive and I was back. The rafters were no longer a comfortable place to be, which was fine. I had no intention of watching anymore. It was my turn to take center stage. I jumped and I flew letting rage carry me forward. I landed with an ungraceful thud, but I didn't give a shit. Most of these fuckers wouldn't even be alive to talk about this evening when all was said and done.

Chapter 20

Teaching your child that good conquers evil may seem like a good idea. However, this doesn't always hold true. Most of the time it does, but not without a massive clusterfuck. Also, do not use the word clusterfuck around your child. This will cause problems when he goes to kindergarten. Trust us. We know.

"Who in the Hell are you?" The Corrine screamed in fury as Ethan quickly moved to my side. He dropped his Bon Jovi disguise and his fangs emerged from his gums. The crowd gasped, but none louder than The Corrine.

"Ethan?" she said in a little girl voice that made me want to gag. "You've come back to me." She sighed in ecstasy, fell to her knees and kissed his feet.

"Get up, skank. He's not yours," I said as I kicked her away.

"Kill her," The Corrine screeched from the floor.

Oh my Hell, I did not have time for this shit. As an army of Fairies advanced on me, I waved my arm violently. Thousands of Fairies froze and went airborne, but that wasn't the best part. Nope. All the male Fairies sported double Ds, press-on nails, frizzy hair and a full face of garish makeup. The female Fairies now were the proud owners of unibrows, mustaches, long gnarly leg hair and tiny penises. The Fairies that weren't frozen midair screamed in terror and ran like the Devil was on their heels from the ballroom. It was all kinds of awesome and my Mini Elves shrieked with glee.

I turned to The Corrine and curtsied—just like Martha and Jane. She deserved no less than me pretending to take a crap on her solid gold floor. "I'm sorry, I forgot to introduce myself. I'm Astrid and you're dead."

Her bellow of rage shook the room. She lunged at me with such hatred I took a step back. Violent magic seeped from her every pore. It was going to get ugly fast. Quickly I flicked my fingers at her, trapped her magic and froze her in a very unflattering position. Even though the hanging Fairies were mortified at their new looks I heard quite a few laughs at The Corrine's predicament. And just so she didn't feel left out I flicked my hand at her again. She now looked like the rest of her people, tiny penis and all. I turned away from her. She was the very least of my problems right now.

I needed to do something before all Hell broke loose and I knew this was the best time to get it over with. This was going to suck ass, but I wouldn't be able to go on if I didn't come clean. Not that anyone would want to hear what I had to say—I still had to say it. I turned to Ethan and gathered my courage.

"Ethan, I have to say something to you."

"What do you want to say to me, Astrid?" he asked softly as he stood next to me. His eyes turned a brilliant green. He was so very beautiful I wanted to cry.

"Don't say anything until I finish."

"I promise," he said as he watched me curiously.

Here goes nothing. "I love you, Ethan. I know that's wrong, but I needed you to know. It seems ridiculous since I've only known you for a few days, but I do." The words flew quickly and awkwardly from my mouth.

He stared up at the ceiling and my stomach plummeted to my toes. Shitshitshit, I had started this and I was going to finish it.

"I know you love your mate and I don't care that you can never love me back. Well, actually I do, but that's selfish and wrong. She's a very lucky woman and I wish you the best. Shit—honestly, I don't, but it's the polite thing to say. It's probably wrong that I'm telling you this, but I have to. I want you to know that I'm going to leave my husband when we get back to wherever we're from because it's not fair to him. It's wrong to be with a person when you love another. I hope he understands and I really hope I don't have twenty-two children. It would absolutely suck to be a single mother to that many kids. Anyway, you don't need to hear that part. That's my problem and I will deal with it."

I wasn't sure, but it looked like Ethan was laughing. He couldn't be…that was impossible. Martha and Jane looked so confused I almost giggled, but nothing was very funny at the moment. Plus, I wasn't quite done.

"When we get back, I will take my seventeen children and I'll go away—far away. You'll never have to see me again. I won't disrupt your life because I love you too much. I understand that this is mortifying for you, but I had to tell you. Please forgive me."

I looked at my feet and wanted to die. Why did I just do that? Had I truly lost my entire mind? Yes, I had. However, I felt free. I could now kill a shit load of Fairies and if I died I would have no reason to come back as a ghost and bare my soul to him. Wait. Did ghosts even exist? Slowly I glanced up, expecting to be laughed at or dismissed. What I saw shocked me to the core.

Ethan closed the gap between us and pressed his lips to my forehead. "You love me even though you don't know who I am to you," he marveled as he took my face in his. "You are my miracle and I don't care if your memory never comes back. We will make new ones together. You are mine, Astrid. You always have been and you always will be."

I was as confused as Martha and Jane at this point. Did he love me too? How was that possible? "What about your wife? You have a wife," I stuttered as I pressed my cheek to his hand. It felt so perfect—so right.

"She will understand." He lowered his lips to mine and kissed me with such reverence that tears filled my eyes. I breathed him in and felt like I was home. I wasn't sure his wife would understand, not to mention my husband, but I pushed those thoughts away. I couldn't believe this man loved me. How did I get so lucky?

"Enough," The Corrine yelled from her frozen position. Damn it, I'd forgotten to weld her mouth shut. "He's mine. He will always be mine. I can make him stay."

She was fucking insane.

"Unfreeze me or I will send the word to maim the baby. He's a horrible child and I hate him," she hissed. "He has ruined my palace and turned hundreds of Fairies all colors of the spectrum, but Ethan loves him," she spat with disgust. "That is how I will bind him to me, you stupid whore. I will destroy the child unless Ethan mates with me. Tonight," she screamed at a volume that echoed through the ballroom with its vitriol. The Fairies began to wail and moan.

I was many unflattering things, but whore was not amongst them. I'd had enough of her. She wanted to be unfrozen? Fine. She'd get her wish and then regret it.

"You're supposed to trade the child for the life of the false Queen. It is her baby," a dangling Fairy yelled angrily. "Not to use as bait to get a worthless Vampyre."

I was now quite pleased I'd forgotten to mute all my prisoners. The angry rumblings from the crowd were going to work in my favor.

"You know," I said as I walked to the end of the stage and faced the floating Hell that hung before me. "It's not Gemma's baby. The false Queen is The Corricukee and she stole the wrong child. Your True Queen has no child. You have nothing to barter with, you assholes."

"She lies," The Corrine shouted. "And my name is The Corrine, you heathen."

"That's what I said." I smiled sweetly. "And I wouldn't use the word heathen around me. My Uncle God won't like it."

The crowd gasped. They were wondering who in the Hell I was. I only wish I knew…

"Oh shit," Susu screeched.

Oh shit and then some…I had not taken into account the power of The Corrine. She broke the spell and ran to the side of the stage. She raised her arms and all of the Fairies dropped to the ground with sickening thuds. This was bad. They rushed the stage and all Hell broke loose. The Corrine took off through a side door. Damn it, I have to deal with her later. There were entirely too many Fairies coming at us.

"Motherfucker," Martha yelled as she decapitated two fairies that had jumped onto the stage. "There's a shitload of these homosexual bastards."

"Now, now, Martha," Lulu admonished her as she tore into and began to eat a Fairy. "That's rude and untrue. You mustn't speak like that."

"Sorry," Martha grunted as she maimed three more Fairies that were gunning for her.

How in the Hell did Lulu do that? I'd been admonishing them for their un-PC comments for years.

The sheer amount of Fairies coming at us was overwhelming. Our odds were bad. I contemplated blowing them all up, but I was certain not all of them were pure evil. They lived in abject fear of an evil ruler—they were pawns in her game. I couldn't kill innocent people. It was wrong. Shitfuckshitfuckshit. Ethan was tearing through Fairies like they were paper and I had destroyed my share too, but how much more could we take? There were seven of us and hundreds of them.

"I have the child," The Corrine bellowed as she took the stage. "Back off, my people. I can handle this. I am your Queen, I will keep you safe."

I rolled my eyes as the Fairies retreated. I checked my posse. We were all battered but we were still alive. Still no sign of The Kev. Crap. I hoped he was okay. Ethan's body tensed and I could feel his fury. He was looking at The Corrine and she had his child. This was going to get tricky. I steeled myself to see the boy that was Ethan's. I hoped his wife would give him visitation rights. He clearly loved his son. I turned and looked.

And then time stopped.

I did not have twenty-two children. I did not have a husband. I had one child and one mate and they were both here in this room with me. Ethan was my mate. Samuel was my child. They were the loves of my life. Somewhere deep inside I had known that they belonged to me all along. They were mine and I was theirs. My precious little family. The sound that left my body made every Fairy in the room cower in fear. Even Martha and Jane backed away. Sparkling flames engulfed my body as wails of rage flew my lips. The Mini Elves darted around my head and chanted in their ancient language. I was centered and I was ready.

The Corrine, with wide frightened eyes put a knife to my baby's throat. The jeweled handle glistened and the sharp silver blade looked macabre against my baby's skin. A single drop of blood slid down the side of his neck where she pricked him and something inside of me died. Samuel cried out and extended his little arms to me. Even though I knew she couldn't kill him, pain tore through me like I'd never known. Ethan's roar shook the building and The Corrine didn't look as sure of herself as she did seconds ago. My baby was in the hands of someone who should be burning in the Basement of Hell. She was so fucking dead.

With a vicious swipe of my hand, I froze all the Fairies in the room again, but this time I added pain. They screeched in agony and writhed in the air. It wouldn't kill them. I'd figure out who had to go later. Now I wanted my baby. I could freeze her, but the knife at Samuel's throat stopped me. I would just get him back another way.

"Give him to me," I said in a voice I didn't recognize. "If you touch him again, I will kill your entire Kingdom and blow Xanthia off the fucking map."

"Give her the child," many Fairies wailed as they convulsed above our heads.

"Stop this madness," one screamed. "She will kill us all."

The chant started softly but rose to deafening proportions quickly. "Give her the baby. Give her the baby. Give her the baby."

"Never," The Corrine screamed. She was losing it. Her eyes were wild and unfocused and the knife was entirely too close to my child's neck. "Ethan, the choice is yours. Mate with me and I will let this horrid child live."

There was a decision to make and it had to be fast.

"He'll do it," I yelled to the shock of everyone, but mostly myself. "But I will take the child." I had no clue that would come from my mouth but I was desperate.

I felt Ethan's glare on my back, but he said nothing. I hoped to Hell that he trusted me because I was lying like a rug.

"Why should I believe you?" she demanded. She was shaking with so much rage, she almost dropped Samuel. "I want to hear it from my lover Ethan."

My stomach roiled as I thought of them together. The Mini Elves flew frantically around my head, muttering and cursing. Martha and Jane stood in defensive stances next to me and didn't take their eyes off of The Corrine. Ethan stepped forward and brushed my body with his as he approached her.

Her smile was insane. She truly thought she had won. As Samuel fell from her clutches, Martha dove like an Olympic swimmer and grabbed him safely in her arms before he hit the ground. Blindly, The Corrine flew into Ethan's arms. Her ego and stupidity knew no bounds. Could unrequited obsession do this to a person? Or was she simply bat-shit crazy?

Everything seemed to happen in slow motion as my mate walked toward the nightmare. Martha and Jane backed away with Samuel, immediately offering up their wrists. Samuel latched on and drank like a starving person. If it was possible I hated the abomination even more. She had cut and starved my child. The wailing and shrieks of the Fairies suspended in the air sounded like a macabre soundtrack to a frighteningly real horror movie.

I wanted to hold my baby, but what was unfolding before my eyes was too horrid to be real. I was glued to my spot watching what I said would happen come true. Had Ethan thought I was serious? Was he going to mate with The Corrine to save me and his child?

WTF?

The Corrine's maniacal laugh filled my brain and I fell to the floor, but my eyes were still on the performance in front of me—the most tragic play I would ever see in my life. Each step he took toward The Corrine killed pieces of my soul. The sound of his feet walking away from me on the golden stage slowly ripped at me and created a wound that would never heal. My body was useless and my magic meant nothing anymore. I'd been the author of this play. I didn't want to watch the end. The curtain call was going to destroy me, but our son was safe. I knew I would live as a hollow shell for eternity, but I would have done the same to save Samuel. I wasn't even angry at Ethan. I loved him even more.

He wove his strong, beautiful hands into The Corrine's long golden locks and lowered his lips to hers. Her panting moans of need were horrific. I tried to look away, but I couldn't. It was impossible. Seized with panic, I realized I had sentenced my mate to Hell on earth.

As I listened for the sound of his fangs piercing her skin, I stopped and jerked to a sitting position. What was he doing? Why wasn't he biting her? Had the end of the play changed? Had the actors disregarded the script and improvised? Just as Ethan's lips touched hers, his arms jerked to the left. He swiftly and emotionlessly tore her head clean off of her body. The gasps and shrieks of horror from the Fairies were deafening. My smile split my face—Ethan had just Anne Boleyned her in a big bad Vampyre way. He was my hero. He winked and kicked the head of the monster to me.

"A little gift, my love," he said casually.

“Much appreciated," I replied and examined the offending appendage.

It was the most beautiful bloody sight I'd ever seen. The severed head of The Corrine lay before me and the lifeless body of the bitch lay at Ethan's feet. The wailing had stopped. Not a sound could be heard in the ballroom, except for Samuel’s slurping from Jane's wrist. Martha had blocked his sightline and he had witnessed none of it. I would forever be in their debt. The silence was eerie but fitting. Ding dong the witch was dead…

My gaze met my mate's and his intensity went all through me. He was my hero, my love and my everything. If I could breathe, I would have heaved the biggest sigh of relief known to man. I wanted to hold Ethan and Samuel and get lost in them forever, but I had a few more things to accomplish before that was possible.

I stood up, gripping the head of evil in my hands. Her eyes were open and they stared at me vacantly. It made me ill. I turned to Susu, Lulu and Huhu. They were chomping at the bit and their eyes were wild.

"Are you hungry?" I asked as I tossed The Corrine's head at their feet.

They squealed with vicious delight and nodded their heads frantically.

"Eat her," I commanded.

And they did.

Chapter 21

After a trauma, like stitches or a skinned knee, a parent should hold their child close and let them know that they are on their side. Let your little one know that he is loved and understood. If the ordeal was far more serious, the parent should listen to the child's needs. Let the child lash out in a safe place where he is comfortable. In other words, let them fight their demons. If the Demons are real, make sure that your child has adequate weapons…swords and magic are always a good choice. No, we are not kidding.

Holding Samuel in my arms, knowing he was safe sent me into a meltdown that was long overdue. I sniffed his blond curls, kissed him all over and wept like a baby. My lips gently brushed his cheeks, his forehead, his eyelids, and his perfect little nose. Ethan held both of us as I blubbered and shook. My world was finally right. Samuel's wound had already healed and there were no marks to be found on his skin. However, the internal scars would stay with him. I knew this from experience and I despised that for him.

We had brought him into a world that was dangerous and deadly. I had hoped his real life lessons would begin after a happy and secure childhood. Thanks to The Corrine that was not going to be the case. If I could kill her over and over again I would. However, I would have made her suffer like my son had suffered. A quick death had been far too good for her, but dwelling on that was futile. She was gone and Samuel was in my arms.

"You got bigger, buddy," I cooed into his hair and blew a raspberry on his cheek. His glorious shout of little boy laughter was the most beautiful sound in the world and I couldn't help but join him. I would cry the rest of my tears in private. My son needed me to be strong and happy. He made the task so very easy.

"Mommy, you so silly. You make the bad boys and girls fly!" He pointed at the dangling Fairies and giggled. "Me want to fly too."

"Nope," Ethan said as he took Sammy into his arms and held him close. "No flying until we get home. Got it?"

"Yeth, Daddy! Me got it!" He snuggled close to his favorite man, stuck his thumb in his mouth and sucked contentedly. "Me love my mommy and daddy," he whispered and my chest constricted. I knew I didn't technically have a heart, but something was there because it grew three sizes like the Grinch's did.

"He's adorable," Susu squealed as she flipped in the air for a delighted Samuel. "I could just bite those little cheeks."

"Um…no," I said as I swatted her rotating body away from my son.

"I was speaking figuratively," she huffed and flew back to my baby.

Until she spoke I had forgotten there was anyone but myself, Ethan and my precious son in the room. Her voice brought me back into the stark reality of where we were and what still had to be done. I glanced up at the Fairies and my stomach churned. They were staring. Many eyes spit hatred and others were full of fear and shame. There were at least four hundred of them hanging in the air awaiting their sentence. How in the fuck was I going to do this?

"Are you going to kill them all?" Lulu whispered in my ear, startling me. "I think you should wipe out every last one of the motherfuckers."

"That's not how I roll," I told her as she shrugged and darted over to Ethan and Samuel. She joined Susu's flipping act as my son clapped wildly for the nutbag Mini Elves.

"Hey, Boobie McHootermunch," Jane grunted as she yanked a terrified The Simon, a trembling The Randy and a still unconscious The Paula out from under their thrones. "What should I do with them?"

I eyed the reality show hosts and realized they had very little to do with what had gone on in Xanthia for the last several hundred years. I vaguely remembered being told that they had been living in the human realm for at least a thousand years. Motherhumper, it felt so good to recall facts without landing in an agonized heap on the floor.

"Let them go. They're innocent and someone please tell The Paula to lay off the Fairy Juice," I said.

"Will do," The Simon yelled as he hightailed it out of the ballroom, leaving his cohorts in the dust. The Randy heaved a big put upon sigh and threw The Paula over his shoulder.

"If she throws up down my back, I'm bringing her back here to be destroyed," he said as he bowed to us. "Martha and Jane, congrats again. Your performance has been burned into my brain and it will take centuries to remove it." He quietly made his way out of the ballroom with The Paula flopping all the way.

"Was that a compliment?" Martha asked Jane in confusion.

"Yep, he fucking loved us. I'm gonna call him and The Simon when we get home and have them put in a good word for us with the producers of the US version of American Idol."

"You got their home phone numbers?" Jane inquired dubiously.

"You betcha. I also got their cell phone numbers, emails, Twitter handles, Facebook passwords and their home fucking addresses."

"You da man," Jane said as she treated us all to a vulgar gyration.

I grinned at the old biddies and realized that everything did happen for a reason. As many times as I'd regretted saving their lives, I was wrong—dead wrong. While I was never going to hang out with them on a daily or monthly…or even yearly basis, I would take care of them always. They had earned my loyalty because they had fought for my child. No amount of riches could ever repay that.

"What will you do with us?" an angry voice demanded from above. I glanced up and rolled my eyes.

That dangling fucker was messing with my chi. I was still in the Land of Happy and I wasn't ready to leave…but that was too bad. I eyed the irate Fairy with detached curiosity. The one who had spoken was definitely going on the naughty list. His pinched face was filled with hatred and he hissed with fury.

"I don't know," I said as I sat down on the end of the stage, put my finger to my pursed lips and feigned deep thought. The sarcasm in my actions was lost on no one, especially the pissed-off asshole floating above my head.

"Get on with it, you low life scum of a Vampyre whore," he grunted as he tried in vain to release himself. I was under no illusion as to what he would do if he were to be freed. Furthermore, I was not a low life scum and why in the Hell did these assclowns keep calling me a whore? My son didn't need to hear language like this from others. My offensive mouth was more than enough. Time to end the shindig.

"Do you like your boobs?" I asked sweetly. "I can make them bigger if that would make you feel better about yourself and be a kinder Fairy. What do you say?"

"Bitch," he bellowed as his face turned blood red. "You will pay for your sins. Scum like you and your people are dirt beneath our feet. Killing my Queen was your death sentence. You will die a violent and…"

Mr. Self Righteous Potty Mouth was starting to bore me and seriously get on my nerves. There was no mistaking that this one was unredeemable. I closed my eyes, clapped my hands and popped the fucker. The explosion was exactly as I remembered from the attack on my home. The attack that had started this clusterfuck when the Fairies had come for Gemma and then stole my baby. A rainbow of glitter and fire rained down on the chairs that the Fairies were seated in only an hour ago.

The cries of terror were earsplitting and I glanced back to see how much my son had witnessed. He was watching it with rapt attention and a look of curiosity on his angelic face.

"You want me help, Mommy?"

"No, baby. Mommy and Daddy can take care of this. You go backstage and play with Martha and Jane," I told him. His smile turned to a pout and it took all I had not to laugh. I was elated to see him in pre-hissy fit form. I was elated to see him in any form he chose.

"Can we babysit him too?" Huhu asked as she flew like a tiny bullet toward my head.

"Nope," I said as I caught her midair. "I need you three out here with me."

"Mommy no sure what to do," Sammy said and I froze. How in the Hell did he know that? "Sammy help pretty Mommy."

He slid down from Martha's embrace and toddled over to me. A hard knot formed in my throat and tears filled my eyes. He was walking…he was walking and I missed his first steps because these bastards had taken him from me. The temptation to simply kill all of them and be done with it was difficult to deny, but the small light of my life was watching me and I was going to set an example he would be proud of. What a bizarre world. I wanted to make sure he knew I was only going to destroy the bad guys. His new normal was as fucked up as mine.

"How can you help Mommy?" I asked as I squatted down and got eye level with him. Ethan came up behind him and touched his head.

"Make the Fawies put out their hands like Patty Cake." He demonstrated by lifted his chunky little hands to me.

I raised an eyebrow and grinned. "Are we going to play with them?" I asked, waiting for him to reel off the litany of fun we could have with the psychotic Fairies. I nodded to Jane and Martha to come and get him. There was no reason for him to see this.

He glanced over his shoulder at the purple clad dingbats and quickly leaned into my ear. "Mommy, we do what makes right. We no kill the Fawies who are only little bit bad. Sammy can show you the good boys and girls and the bad ones."

I held up a hand to halt Martha and Jane. "How can you do that?"

His grin was mixed with innocence and devilish mischief. He was definitely a descendent of both Heaven and Hell. He was gonna be something someday…or maybe that day was today.

"Me show you?" he asked.

"I don't know," Ethan cut in as he ran his hands through his hair in frustration and indecision. "He's seen enough."

"Oh my Daddy, hush." Sammy giggled and hugged his father's legs. "Me is more than you know." He raised his blond eyebrows and looked so much like Ethan I had to grin.

"Trust me," Ethan muttered with a smile that looked more like a grimace. "We know."

Some of the Fairies in the air grew impatient and some watched the scene play out below in silence. Waiting for your fate had to suck, but waiting to get your child back from being kidnapped and sliced up sucked far worse. They could hang there for days for all I cared. My magic would hold—I hoped.

"Mommy, me show you." He toddled forward and all the Fairies blanched in fear. It was then another puzzle piece snapped together. Samuel had been responsible for the burned out hallways and colorful skin of the Fairies. My son was the disease that they feared. Priceless. Although they looked so heinous now, bright yellow and blue skin might actually help.

"Hold up your hands like Patty Cake, Fawies," he yelled.

They did not heed my son's request. My son did not like this. He stomped his foot and right before our shocked eyes, my baby began to sparkle, but this was not what astonished me. I had expected him to sparkle and shoot flames from his fingertips. What I didn't expect was my perfect child to shift forms. Who did he inherit that from?

My gaze shot of Ethan, who shrugged, grinned and shook his head in defeat. Clearly, our son had been watching cartoons while in Xanthia—more specifically Looney Tunes. He was a mixture of animated Heaven and Hell. The top half of his sturdy little body was bathed in light and a halo crowned his angelic blond curls. Downy white wings tipped in sparkling gold shot out from his shoulder blades, but that was not the kicker. He had hooves— red hooves and scaly red legs that were topped by a long forked tail. He was a half angel half devil right out of Bugs Bunny.

Ethan moved forward and whispered in my ear, "Holy shit, I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry. We're going to have our hands full."

"Understatement," I muttered. From here on out, TV was a big no for our little bundle of joy. There was no way I wanted to see him shift into Spongebob or Cartman.

We stood back and waited to see what he would do. Part of me hoped he would fry them all. However, that kind of defeated the purpose of separating the good from the evil, but I was still so angry that rational thought was difficult.

"Put up your hands, Fawies. Now." His little voice was little no more. Although it still sounded childlike, it boomed and echoed through the room. It sent chills down my spine and an absurd sense of pride to my soul. My son would be able to take care of himself.

A magical blue mist slithered through the ballroom and wrapped the Fairies in its thrall. It was wild and untamed and laced with the scent of sunshine and wind—the scent of Samuel. It was young yet ancient. Hells Bells, we really did have a cluster on our hands.

The Fairies no longer resisted my child. In unison they raised their hands with palms facing out. Samuel giggled and wobbled around the stage with glee.

"Sweet baby Satan in wedge heels and a thong," Jane choked out proudly. "Our boy is a fantastic fucking freak show."

Martha grunted her agreement and did some lewd hip rolls that made me gag. They were crazy, but they had a point. Samuel was something that we had no real understanding of, but today was not the day to find out all the neat and life threatening things he could do.

"Hey, little man," I said as I swooped him up in my arms. "What's the point of this?"

"Watch," he said as he scrunched his eyes shut and chanted in a singsong language I didn't understand.

Shrieks and startled screams were torn from the Fairies mouths as their hands lit up in royal blue flames. I gasped and worried that Samuel thought this was a game. Debating my next move, I prepared to reprimand him and send him backstage, but the flames died out as did the crying and wailing.

"Lookie, Mommy," Sammy whispered. "Now you can see the bad Fawies and the not so bad Fawies."

He was correct. It was crystal clear who had evil in their souls and who could be potentially redeemed. The hands of the evil were now a shiny lacquered black and the hands of the others were a dull glittering gun metal gray. That's what The Reggie had said…The ones that had only partially crossed to the Dark side were gray. He believed they would have no place in the new Xanthia, but I was putting my money down that he was mistaken. The ability to change had everything to do with willingness and desire. Well, having your life threatened helped a bit too.

"I want you to go play with Martha and Jane backstage, okay?" I hugged him and got poked in the eyes by his wing. "Um, can you go back to being Sammy?"

"Yes, silly Mommy. Of course me can!" In a blast of varying arrays of blue glitter he morphed back to my little boy. I buried my face in his curls and thanked all my insane immortal relatives for answering the prayers I had thrown their way.

Martha and Jane took Samuel away. When I was sure he was safely out of sight I turned my attention back to the travesty that hung twenty feet above my head.

"Astrid, time is of the essence," Ethan said as he watched the Fairies like a hawk. "Some are regaining mobility."

He was correct. This was bad. I only wanted to eliminate the Dark, but if they all came at me at once they would all have to die. With a wide sweep of my arm I separated the good from the evil. The Fairies with the glittering gray hands were blown to the left side of the room and hung limply. There was very little fight in them—most of them were fearful and scared. However, the ones left in front of me hissed with a vengeance that made me ill.

"Who of you can be redeemed?" I shouted over the gnashing of teeth and grunts of rage. "Who of you will go to the Light?"

The answer was unanimous and unfortunate. Two hundred Fairies with black souls spewed their venom and fought like Demons to free themselves. A chorus of no's rang through the room and echoed off the ornate walls.

"Well," Susu said as she patted me on the back. "You tried. I would have just offed and eaten all of them. I think you are being beyond fair."

"Thank you," I said.

"Astrid. Now," Ethan commanded as the Dark Fairies broke loose of the magic binding them and came at me like an army from Hell.

Black glitter covered my body and flames jetted out of my fingers. I raised my arms in the air and screamed. I screamed for the lives of the Dark that were about to die and I screamed for the lives of the Light that had been senselessly taken. From deeper inside myself than I had ever pulled I found the strength and the compassion to do what had to be done. To do what was right. That didn't mean it didn't suck.

The explosions came fast and the spectrum of brilliant color made me shield my eyes. Fires of pink and lavender burned as spurts of blue and orange glitter shot through them, making the entire ballroom look like a kaleidoscope on acid. They popped like fireworks on the Fourth of July and the gray Fairies watched in terror.

"Fucking righteous," Huhu squealed as she flitted around wildly.

"You are insane," Lulu added as she watched in awe.

"Amazeballs," Susu gasped.

I dropped to the floor and put my head in my hands. This was never going to be easy and I supposed I didn't want it to be. If I ever lost the ability to feel empathy, even for the damned, I would be lost. Each time I killed, it took a small piece of my soul.

"We need to finish this and go," Ethan said as he knelt beside me.

I nodded my head and took his hand as he helped me to my feet. All I wanted was to fall into his embrace and forget everything. Not gonna happen. As I approached the Grays, they observed me with wide and uncertain eyes.

"Are you going to kill us?" one asked with his head held high.

"No. No, I'm not. You will be dealt with by the Light Fairies and your True Queen. They shall determine your fate. I've have enough of playing my Uncle God today."

As I moved to leave a certain Fairy caught my eye. I gasped and my body went ice cold. A mistake had occurred. How could there have been a mistake? If evil had gotten mixed up with the gray, had any of the gray gotten mixed up with the Dark? Had I killed an innocent? My stomach roiled and I walked in a daze over to one who should already be dead.

"The Reggie," I said in a deadly quiet voice. "I'd say it's nice to see you again, but it's not. It appears you were overlooked. You don't belong on this side."

He trembled and was barely able to meet my eyes, but his voice was clear and loud. "No, there is no mistake. I belong here. I am no longer Light, but I will never be completely Dark."

"Interesting," I spat. "You could have fooled me."

He had almost caused me to lose my son and my mate. He had betrayed The Kev's trust and he thought he was gray? I laughed at his audacity. He was delusional and he was going to die. With a flick of my wrist, he landed in a heap at my feet. I relived the agony of watching The Corrine cut my son. It was seared in my mind and would never vanish.

"Are you the one that informed The Corrine of our presence?" I demanded.

"Yes, I was."

In my mind, he was directly responsible for everything. Rational? No, but I was far beyond that now. How was he gray? The only thing that held me back from killing him dead where he lay was the sheer confusion as to how this had happened. I checked his hands—not a trace of black. Was magic not precise? Was it because of Sammy's age that a mistake had occurred?

No. There was a reason The Reggie was gray, but I didn't care. Wasn't I allowed to have a bad fucking day? Was it wrong to ignore my principles and kill for the sheer satisfaction of killing? No matter what he had done right, he had still been the catalyst that had started what could have been the utter destruction of my life.

Circling him, I considered my options. Ethan watched me carefully and the Mini Elves hovered around my head. I had always been clear in the past. I had known what I was doing was right. As painful as it was, I had always killed with a clear conscience and sometimes great sadness. Now I simply felt anger. I wanted to kill a frozen and defenseless man in anger. I grabbed my head and pressed my skull. He had betrayed me—hadn't he?

"What will it be, Astrid?" The Kev's voice rang out and bounced off the walls of the ballroom. I stiffened. No one was going to stop me, not even The Kev.

"He dies," I yelled.

The Reggie’s eyes grew wide and I shrugged indifferently.

"He dies for betraying you. He dies for pushing me into a cell. He dies for not stopping The Corrine from harming my child. He dies for the sins of all of them. He dies because even though he portrays himself as innocent, nothing is ever how it seems," I said coldly.

"Very astute, Krumecaca," The Kev said.

"Which part?" I asked wearily.

"Only the very last few words," he replied.

Nothing is ever how it seems. "You suck," I muttered as I let my hands fall to my sides. The Reggie's sigh of relief made me want to kick him, but I was no longer gunning for his life. I was still unsure as to why, but I knew it was the way it had to be. "Explain."

"The Reggie's far from pure, but I will let him tell his story."

"Talk, Fairy," I ground out.

"I was following orders."

"From who? The Corrine?" I yelled. This was a fucking waste of my time.

"No. From The Kev."

I froze. That was impossible, but I wanted to hear the rest of his tale. "Go on," I told him.

"We wanted to test the loyalty of The Bob and The Gus. We waited for two hours to see if they would go to The Corrine with the information."

"I resent that," The Bob screeched from somewhere amidst the dangling Fairies.

"So do I," The Gus griped indignantly.

"I never thought you were turncoats," The Henry told them. "I knew you were true."

Oh my God, what a kiss ass.

The Reggie cleared his throat and continued. "When we realized they had not told her, The Kev instructed me to do it."

"Why?" I demanded to The Kev. "Why would you do that?"

"Because we needed her to make a move. She needed to be fully aware that Samuel was not the child of Gemma. We gave her a chance to return the child. We planned to take her down for all the death and destruction she has caused over the years, but we wanted Samuel to be no part of this. We also had to ensure that Ethan was abducted so he could be closer to Samuel."

"She could have killed my baby," I snapped.

"The child can't die," The Reggie whispered reverently.

"There are many forms of death," I shot back.

"You are right," The Reggie said sadly. He took a deep breath and went on. "I was to go back to the safe house and watch over you but you were gone. When I found you I did the only thing I could think of to keep you safe…it was a mistake."

"Ya think?"

"I still think you should kill his ass," Susu whispered in my ear. She was such a bloodthirsty little shit.

Smiling, I patted her head. I wanted to kill him. I really truly did, but I wouldn't. I never wanted to see him again, but he did not deserve to die. With a flick of my fingers all the Fairies fell to the floor. The appalling extras I'd saddled everyone with disappeared too. They were back to their former blinding beauty.

"What will you do with them?" I asked as they all crawled to their knees and prostrated themselves before me.

"A tribunal will be formed and each one will stand trial," The Kev said. "Gemma will preside."

She was going to be thrilled. Not. All I wanted to do was go home with Ethan and my baby. I never wanted to lay eyes or feet in Xanthia again—too many horrific memories. I was happy I'd listened to my conscience and didn't kill The Reggie. He might be put to death after his trial, but that would not be on my head.

"I want to go home," I said.

"In the morning," The Kev said. "You, Ethan, Samuel, Martha and Jane will go back to the safe house. I will stay here with the Mini Elves and imprison these Fairies until they face their judgment day."

Martha and Jane came out from the backstage area and handed me a sleeping Samuel. Ethan's body surrounded me with his warmth and made my world come back into focus. My baby's weight in my arms grounded me and I closed my eyes and let my head fall back onto my mate's chest. There would always be more to learn and unfortunately I had an eternity of lessons in front of me. Samuel would need to go to therapy for many of my sins, but tonight by the grace of God and whomever else I did not sin.

"Hooters McHoulihan, let's get the fuck out of here. This G-string is so far up my ass, it's making my brain hurt," Jane grumbled.

I winked at the nutty old loon and laughed. "Your wish is my command."

Chapter 22

Once upon a time there was a child. He had a mommy and a daddy that loved him and would protect him till the end of time. The mommy and the daddy loved each other too. This was a very lucky child. He was full of mischief and untold power. His life would be filled with many adventures—some tragic and some glorious. However, he would always know that blood was thicker than water…the most important thing is life would always be his beloved family.

"Oh my Hell, they're finally asleep." I flopped down on the couch and let my body relax.

"Please tell me you mean all of them," Ethan begged.

We were back at the charming safe house—operative word being safe. Thankfully, it was far bigger than I had realized. The upstairs was spacious and had several bedrooms. I had no plans of sleeping up there. Martha and Jane's wheezing and snuffling would keep me up all night in which turn might make me inclined to behead them. That would be a bad move.

"Yep, they're all asleep. Snoring like babies."

"Samuel snores now?" he asked, surprised.

"No, but Martha and Jane sure as Hell do." I winced as I thought of them sleeping under our son's crib, but they'd insisted. After a massive pillow fight and a re-enactment of their performance for Sammy, they passed out. Shockingly the snoring didn't bother my baby. He fell promptly to sleep with a smile on his face as the foghorns blew out their calls from below. Amazing.

"Come sit with me," Ethan said. "I've missed you." His silky voice made me tingle all over.

"I've missed you too," I told him as I curled up on his lap and laid my head on his strong shoulder.

"I'm proud of you. You humble me," he whispered as he played with my hair.

I hid my face in his neck and closed my eyes. "I almost killed an innocent man tonight."

"But you didn't."

"But I could have," I insisted. I wasn't as good as he thought I was.

"But," he repeated, "you didn't. You wouldn't have killed him even if The Kev hadn't shown up—even if you didn't know the full story. You wouldn't have killed him."

I so wanted to believe him. "How do you know?"

"Because I'm your mate. You're mine and I'm yours. I can feel you in ways that are impossible to explain. You're inside me."

"Well, I sure hope you're right because I was fairly certain I was going to rip the fucker’s head off with my bare hands earlier."

Ethan's chuckle made me feel better. Was he correct? Would I have spared The Reggie's life, even if The Kev hadn't shown up? I'd be ecstatic to believe that was true, but…

"I have a question for you, my love," Ethan said as he pulled me closer.

"Does it have to do with Fairies or Mini Elves?" I asked as I ran my hands lightly over his chest. Hell, I hadn't even told him about being miniature…that would have to wait until another day.

"No. No Fairies. No Mini Elves."

"Then ask away." I grinned as I traced his lips with my finger. God, his mouth was beautiful.

"Do you miss being human?" He put his hand under my chin and raised my face so our eyes met.

Of all the questions that existed in the world, I never expected that one. I was certain he was going to ask me if I wanted to be on top or on the bottom or if I was wearing panties…

"I don't know," I said honestly. "I haven't really thought about it much." He stayed quiet and waited. "I suppose there are things I miss about being human like pizza and black raspberry chip ice cream and French fries and Coke in a styrofoam cup with extra ice with a straw and…um, well, you know…food."

The corners of Ethan's lips curled into a smile, but his eyes and demeanor were serious. Was he worried that I was unhappy? Had I somehow led him to believe that he wasn't enough?

"Why do you ask?" I took his face in my hands and pressed my forehead to his.

"When you lost your memory, you made repeated reference to human traditions."

What the Hell was he talking about? Human traditions? My strong, invincible Vampyre seemed insecure for the first time since I'd met him. This simply wouldn't do.

"No, Ethan. I don't miss being human. How could I? I have you and you gave me Samuel. While the food choice of our people is somewhat off-putting, and having Satan for an uncle and the Seven Deadly Sins for cousins is a pain in the ass, never in a million years could being human replace what I've gained. I love you so much it hurts sometimes. Forever will never be long enough for us to be together," I whispered.

Ethan's body relaxed and his lips brushed my cheek. His smile now reached his eyes. "I have another question for you."

"Is it as deep as the one you just asked?" I inquired warily. It had been a really long day.

"Deeper," he said as my stomach dropped. "But you will have to stand for this particular question."

"Stand?"

"Yes, stand."

Little butterflies tangoed in my tummy as I crawled off of his lap and stood hesitantly next to the couch. What was he thinking? What had I done? If I had breath to hold I'd be blue. My curiosity level was in a state of panic and I shook for reasons I couldn't figure out. Had I not actually regained all of my memory? Was there something monumental I'd missed? Something that would ruin what I was so happy to have back?

I bit down on my bottom lip and pierced it with my fang without even realizing it. A thin tendril of blood ran down the corner of my mouth. Ethan's eyes turned a brilliant green and I reached up and frantically grabbed him by the shoulders. "You need to feed. You haven't eaten." I quickly offered my neck, but he shook his head no.

The wave of anxiety that roared through me was horrible and my eyes filled with tears. There was more that I didn't remember. There had to be. He didn't want my blood. I felt unsteady and broken.

"Astrid, stop. I will feed from you while we make love, but I have to ask a very important question first."

I nodded and clutched the back of the couch for purchase. He didn't seem angry or repulsed by me—just the opposite.

"Ethan, I'm having a mini breakdown here. As you are well aware I have an overactive imagination. Prime example, in case you've forgotten—Grandma's house, high school, virgin stripper. I'm going to freak any moment now, so if you'd like your mate to be in one semi-sane piece you should really fucking get to the question."

"Are you through?" he asked. His sexy half smirk jumbled my brain, but I took his inquiry seriously. Was I done?

"Um, I think so," I mumbled.

"Good." He smiled as he dropped to one knee and took my hands in his. I was speechless and in shock. No words would come from my lips, but it wasn't my turn to talk. It was his.

"Astrid Porter, I have loved you from the moment I saw you. You are the most beautiful and courageous woman I have ever known. I have waited for you longer than you can comprehend. You have brought meaning to my endless life and given me the gift of our son. In my world to be mated is the highest honor. It's a sign of complete trust and fidelity. It's an unbreakable bond and to call you my mate brings me joy that I don't I deserve, but I want more. I want your Vampyre, your Demon and your human self—I want both your body and your soul. I want to make you mine in every legal and illegal way possible."

My legs shook like a leaf and I was certain I was going to land in a mushy puddle at his feet. "Is that the question?" I whispered.

"No, it's not."

"Um…okay."

"Will you marry me?"

I would swear I was hyperventilating, however that was an impossibility. Blood thundered in my ears and I wanted to tackle him and ride him till we were both blind, but…I wanted to hear the words again. Maybe there were a few human things I missed.

"Repeat."

His laugh reverberated through me and my grin practically split my face. "Astrid, will you marry me?"

There was screaming and there was blubbering. Son of a bitch, I should have locked those old bags in a closet. They were horning in on one of the most magical moments of my life. I whipped around to rip them a new one, but no one was there. Martha and Jane weren't sobbing and Ethan certainly wasn't blubbering. The only option left was me… It was me crying like a fool, but I didn't care—not even a little. Until this moment I had no idea how much being married to Ethan would mean to me. I knew it was considered a silly formality amongst Vampyres because it could end in divorce. A ritual so flimsy wasn't worth speaking of, but it wasn't silly to me. My tears flowed freely and I had no clue I could love the man kneeling before me more than I already did.

"Will you be my wife?"

"Yes, Ethan. Yes, I will be your wife."

His grin of delight made me giddy and I threw myself at him. We tore at each other's clothing until we were skin to skin. His body felt new to me and I reveled in the smooth, beautiful skin over the hard muscle.

"Come with me." He took my hand and led me outside and down a trail to a breathtaking garden. Massive ivory flowers that shone in the moonlight spilled from delicate trellises. Tall grasses swayed in a light breeze and rushed over my skin like a caress. Flowering vines of riotous colors made a natural wall around the huge garden.

"Ethan?"

"Yes?" he said as he pulled me farther into the maze.

"We're kind of naked here," I replied. His carnal grin caught me off guard and I almost tripped over a blossoming shrub.

"Very astute," he said with a sexy crooked smile. "We need to be naked for what I have planned."

"And what exactly do you have planned?" I asked as everything in my tummy started to dance with excitement.

"I suppose you'll have to wait and see." He dropped my hand and sprinted into the maze. His strong naked body in the moonlight was like watching a statue of a god come to life.

"I suppose so." I grinned and took off after him. The wind in my face made me feel free and happy. I was young and in love. I had a man who loved me and a child I adored…and I was getting married. Gemma would freak. I couldn't wait to tell her.

"Where are you?" I called out. I could find him easily by scent—just as easily as he could find me, but this was fun.

"In the bedroom, darling," he called out. "Why don't you join me?"

"Perhaps I will." I giggled as I pushed my way past a fragrant weeping cherry tree in full bloom and opened a charming lattice gate. I stopped dead in my tracks. A smaller garden appeared before my eyes. It was pure magic. Candles hung in the air connected to nothing but the breeze. Flowers swayed in the wind and the stars in the sky appeared bigger and brighter. Flocks of wildly colored birds darted in and out of the grasses and trees. I was either in Disneyfuckingland for grownups or my own private paradise. The best part was the massive bed in the middle of the chaos and magic—and what was lying atop it.

How was it possible to love someone so much? Could this feeling last? The most perfect Vampyre in the world watched me with eyes full of adoration and lust. I had never felt so beautiful, so wanted—so powerful. I approached the bed knowing the image of my lover would stay with me for eternity.

"You are exquisite," he murmured as I climbed on the bed and straddled his chest. The evidence of his need thrilled me.

"You have me beat," I whispered as I leaned in and ran my tongue along the seam of his full lips.

I wanted to explain to him everything that was bubbling over inside me, but words were simply not adequate. A song would better describe my thoughts, but I had a voice like a cow…and when words and music fail, dance is the only thing left. With movement I could explain to him the depth of my need for him. With gesture and touch I could lay out my soul. Running my hands over him and memorizing every nuance fed my wildest desire.

"You will keep your eyes open," he said roughly as his strong hands cupped my breasts and his lips captured mine. "You will watch what you do to me. You are my miracle."

My body felt molten, and I was slowly coming apart in his arms. He flipped me beneath him and his tongue and lips feathered over my skin, sending wave after wave of desire roaring through me. I wanted to be closer. I needed to be closer.

"More," I said as I writhed against him.

"Are you sure?" he asked with narrowed eyes and a sly grin. "My grandmother will be home soon. If she catches us, we’re dead."

Ohmygodohmygodohmygod, this was so the man for me. Almost painful desire took the express train right to my core and I ramped up the stakes by taking him in my hand. "Not a problem," I said as I stroked him from root to tip.

"How do you figure?" He moaned and grew even larger.

"It's not a problem because we're already dead. So I say let's get rid of my embarrassing virginity and give your granny a show she won't forget."

"I can work with that," he said.

It went from silly to serious in a heartbeat. His hands and his mouth were everywhere. My nipples beaded painfully and I rubbed against him with abandon. His scent filled my mind, but I wanted his body to be one with mine. I arched my back and opened my legs, begging for more. Our eyes blazed green and our fangs clashed as our kisses became violent with need.

"More," I moaned. "I want more."

"As you wish," he hissed as he entered me in one swift thrust.

We both cried out and color burst behind my tightly closed eyes. Orgasm number one ripped through me and a scream flew from my lips. I trembled and clenched him inside me as I rode out the waves. As soon as it ebbed another took hold and I wrapped my legs around his waist and moaned.

"Open," he said as he held still inside me. "Open your eyes. I want to see you come."

I dragged my lids open and gasped when I saw the raw power and savage desire written across his face. He was not a man. He was a Vampyre with needs that could destroy a mortal woman, but I wasn't mortal, and I would willingly give him what he wanted—everything he wanted.

"I. Love. You," he ground out, punctuating each word with a deep thrust that sent intense pleasure through my body. "You. Are. Mine."

The speed of his thrusts increased and I bucked wildly beneath him as we careened toward an orgasm so intense it would certainly kill us for real dead. My gaze locked on his and the vulnerability I felt was overwhelming. His eyes were wild and the sexy sounds he made went all through me. I knew now what it meant to love completely—to be one with a person. He was my miracle and I was his.

"Come with me," he demanded.

And I did.

I always would.

He would never have to ask twice.

Epilogue

Dear Susu,

Me miss you so much. You asked me to tell you a story, so I will tell you about a little boy named Samuel (hehehe). Come and visit me soon. I want you to teach me how to flip and I will show you how to turn people’s skin purple.

xoxo Samuel

There was once a boy. He was a very special child. He had a wonderful mommy and daddy who adored him. He was very excited because his mommy and daddy were going to get married. Everyone called his mommy a Bridezilla. The boy thought that was a very funny word. However, his mommy did not. Daddy promised the little boy he could be the best man. This made him happy. Of course he had to promise not to change the color of people's skin, not to shift into Shrek and most importantly not to call others names like assjacket and fucker. This was difficult for him, but he was becoming such a big boy he was sure he could behave. Plus, he was negotiating for a pet baboon, so it would behoove him to be good.

The child was excited because Heathcliff and Racquel were going to teach him things that a big boy needed to know. Heathcliff and Racquel did not like each other, but the daddy threatened to rip their legs off if they didn’t learn to get along. If he received good grades his mommy promised him a treat. He told her that he would like a baboon for a treat. His silly mommy laughed and laughed at that. He was certain that meant he would be getting a baboon.

The only thing that made him sad was that The Kev and Gemma had to go away. They had to go to their own land and take care of business. His mommy did not want them to go. The child heard his mommy say that they were walking into a motherhumper shitty clusterfuck of epic crapass proportions. The mommy had to wear tape on her mouth for a week after that one. Gemma and The Kev promised to be back in time for the child's daddy to have a ball and chain. The little boy didn't know why his daddy wanted a ball and chain when a baboon would be much more fun to play with.

There were no other children in the compound to play with, but the Baby Demons were so much fun. They taught the child anatomy and new and interesting words that they made him promise not to tell his mommy about. He was good at keeping a secret. His friends Martha and Jane were on a TV show called American Idol. Mommy and Daddy did not let the little boy watch it. After he shifted into the Pillsbury Dough Boy all the TVs were removed from the house. He missed watching Deadliest Catch but he still had a good life. Although a baboon would make it better.

The child was wise beyond his years and young enough to cause tremendous amounts of trouble…thank goodness he was adorable.

# # # THE END (for now) # # #

NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR:
If you enjoyed this ebook, please consider leaving a positive review or rating on the site where you purchased it. Reader reviews help my books continue to be valued by distributors/resellers and help new readers make decisions about reading them. You are the reason I write these stories and I sincerely appreciate you!

Many thanks for your support,

~ Robyn Peterman

Visit me on my website at http://www.robynpeterman.com.

Table of Contents

Cover

Title

Edition License Notes

Dedication

Acknowledgements

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Epilogue