We’re All Mad

Here

Tim Miller

© 2015 Tim Miller All Rights Reserved

While the characters within this book are inspired by Alice in Wonderland, a public domain work, the liberties the author has taken in regard to character descriptions, worlds created and changes in names of various characters remains property of Tim Miller and GutWrench Productions and is protected by U.S. Copyright Law.

Cover Photographer and Model: Juss Stinson

Table of Contents

Title Page

Copyright Page

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 1

Alice was sick of following her sister around everywhere. She had just turned eighteen, yet still was being treated like a child. Today’s chore was to check the wild hog traps. They’d been getting into their grandparents farm and eating the corn crops. Grandpa said they’d lost thousands of dollars because of the beasts.

They approached the first trap which was basically a pen with some animal carcasses and plants. The feral hogs were a huge problem all over Texas. They were tough animals and scavengers who bread faster than they died and were hard to kill. So you end up with herds of these things wrecking the countryside.

“Alice, quit daydreaming and come on!” Amy called out. She was two years older than Alice, and had always been the crown princess of the family. Oh look at Amy! She got all A’s. Alice? Why can’t you get all A’s? You had a C this term? Oh goody! Amy made the cheerleading squad! Hey Alice? Why don’t you stop wearing those big sweaters and baggy pants and try out for cheerleading? Oh yeah and maybe lose twenty or thirty pounds too. You’d look just like Amy if you lost some weight!

She had to stop thinking about it as it was making her angry. Once they reached the trap, Alice saw it was empty. Not only was it empty, but the latch on the door had been busted.

“Holy shit,” Amy said. “You think the hogs busted out of here?”

“It had to be an awful strong hog,” she said. They were standing just past the cornfield, near a small creek that ran through the property. It was still spring, so the fresh water flowed nicely. By summer it would be completely dry. Alice looked around at the trap when she heard something in the bushes nearby.

“You hear that?” Alice said.

“Hear what? You seriously need to get your ears checked. Fuckin’ hearing shit.”

The rustling occurred again. This time louder.

“There it was, right over there!” Alice said and pointed.

“You’re fucking nuts. I’m going back. You want to stay out here and play in the bushes, that’s on you.” Amy said as she turned and began walking. Alice crept to the bushes to see what the sound was. She pushed some sticks aside, and first was greeted by a horrible smell. The smell of rot, decay and death. As she worked her way through the brush she saw it. First a dozen flies buzzing around, then the dead hog.

The hog’s side was ripped open and something large and furry was chowing down on the carcass. She made a slight yelp at the horrific site as the furry creature turned around. It was a rabbit, but like a huge jack rabbit. The thing was the size of a Labrador with huge teeth that almost looked like fangs. There was blood caked to its fur with something long, red and stringing dripping from its mouth. At first she was afraid the thing would attack her, but instead it let out a hiss before it turned and ran.

Against her better judgment, Alice chased after the thing. She’d never seen something so bizarre. It was like a chupacabra cross bred with a rabbit. Like some sort of Easter Bunny from Hell. She ran along behind it to see where it was going or maybe where it came from. The thing galloped on all fours and for its size was extremely fast. She kept up as best she could, pushing her way through trees and bushes, as branches scraped against her face.

The rabbit disappeared into a bush as Alice came to a halt. The bush was large with thorns coming off the branches. It wasn’t like anything she’d ever seen before. The leaves were red and purple with some yellow mixed in. As she worked her way in, she saw it. There was a large rabbit hole just within the bush. This was also huge, at least two feet around. Alice leaned in and felt a breeze coming from inside the hole. That was rather strange. She leaned closer and felt the breeze again, this time much stronger. Then the breeze reversed itself and turned into suction. The suction was powerful, pulling her headfirst into the hole. She fought and struggled but it was too strong, pulling her into the darkness inch by inch.

Finally she was freefalling into the blackness as she flailed head over heels. Through the fall she heard screaming and wailing. Looking down, it appeared she was falling through some black tunnel. There was literally a light at the end of the tunnel racing closer toward her, getting larger as she approached. She burst through the hole and tumbled through a patch of thick grass. Once she stopped rolling, she looked around trying to figure out where she was.

The sky was dark and gray, though the grass was green and thick. Someone was snickering from behind her. As she turned and looked the bizarre rabbit was standing there along with a strange...strange man? She wasn’t sure. He was slightly taller than she, but his face, well his whole head was that of a Day of the Dead sugar skull. He was wearing a huge black top hat and a tuxedo.

“You idiot!” The skull man screamed at the rabbit. “You were supposed to bring back food, not guests!”

“I was hungry! I didn’t expect her to follow me! Maybe she can be food!”

“Oh don’t be silly. We probably have plenty as it is.” He turned and looked at her. “Hello my dear. Sorry to be so rude. Would you care to join us for dinner?” He took a quick bow as he removed his hat, revealing that his head actually was a large skull.

“Umm, where am I? Who are you?” She asked.

“They call me The Splatter. You’ll learn why shortly. I see you’ve already met my colleague, White Rabid.”

“Rabid? You mean rabbit?” Alice asked.

“Does he look like a rabbit to you? No, I think not. He looks more like a rabid beast. Not sure what he is to be honest, not that it matters. So he’s White Rabid. Come join us, the table is already set.”  He held out a gloved hand, and helped Alice to her feet. They walked down a short but winding trail that opened to a clearing. Once they arrived, Alice saw the dinner table. There was several other strange creatures gathered around and in the center of the table was a naked man.

The naked man was bound by his hands and feet. He was resting on his knees with his hands bound behind him. There was an apple shoved into his mouth and bloody holes were his eyes used to be. He was crying and whimpering as the other guests stared at him, their forks and knives at the ready.

“You’re going to eat a man for dinner?” She asked.

“Well of course. They’re quite nourishing.”

“That’s murder! That’s disgusting!”

“Perhaps where you’re from. Here it’s just another day in Wonderland.”

“Where are his eyes?”

“Since I don’t have any of my own, I figured I’d try out his.” The Splatter said as he reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a pair of glasses, placing them on his face. The glasses were plain frames but a pair of eyeballs were stuck to the outside, staring at her in a horrific and dead gaze.

“Jesus Christ! What is wrong with you people? You’re all fucking mad!”

“Why yes Alice, very astute of you. We’re all mad here.”

Chapter 2

“Are we gonna eat or what!” White Rabid called from the table. “I’m starving!”

“He was eating a dead hog’s guts out in the woods when I found him,” Alice said.

“Oh I have no doubt of that,” The Splatter said. “Don’t mind him at all, he’s always hungry. Let’s sit shall we?”

He guided her to the table, but all she wanted to do was run. The man tied up as their dinner continued crying and whimpering. White Rabid was seated across from Alice. There was a strange old man slouched in his chair and a pair of twins both dressed in overalls. They spoke funny, in some weird rhyme and finishing each other’s sentences.

“I can’t wait to...”

“Eat, now smell my...”

“Feet, and throw your ass out on the...”

“Street. Our meat likes to cry, he has no...”

“Class, I’ll shove my knife...

“Straight up his ass...”

She looked at The Splatter and back at the twins. The Splatter shrugged.

“They always do that. Just ignore them.”

“Ok, then.”

“Watch this,” Rabid said. “Now you’ll see why they call him Splatter.”

“Rabid! Don’t spoil the surprise for our guest. This shall be a memorable event for our friend. Everyone get your umbrellas ready.”

Alice watched as each of them picked up an umbrella lying on the table next to their plates. She followed along, picking hers up and opening it. Splatter reached under the table and came up holding a huge mallet, like something you’d see at a carnival.

“Here we go kids! Get ready!”

He took a swing, striking the bound up man’s head, which exploded and sprayed brains, blood and bones over all the dinner guests. Most of the gore landed on the umbrellas. Alice cringed as the rest of the guests cheered around the table. Splatter took another swing, sending more blood and gore spraying. He took several more until the man was a heap of bloody flesh.

“Now to carve the turkey.” He began carving away at the man’s back, cutting off several medium steaks and placing them on plates and passing them around. The twins got theirs and seemed just a bit too excited over it. They placed pieces of meat on their forks and held it over the small burners placed in the center of the table.

“Have a...”

“Seat. It’s time for...”

“Meat. Splatter bashed in the man’s...”

“Head. He’s such a...”

“Putz. With blood and...”

“Guts. And eat until he’s...”

“Dead.”

“That doesn’t even make any sense?” Alice said.

“They never do,” Rabid said.

Alice was trying to be repulsed by having just seen a grown man have his head bashed in and carved up like a turkey. Yet the craziness all around her was so much to take in. Splatter placed a large hunk of meat onto her plate. Blood pooled around the piece of human steak. Rabid was mowing down on his. Sadly he was a lip smacker and the sound alone was enough to want to make Alice throw up, let alone know he was eating human flesh.

“You gonna eat that?” Rabid asked. “By the looks of you, I bet you will.” He was referring to her plump figure. That was the reason she wore baggy clothes. She wasn’t thin and athletic like her sister. She was overweight and curvy. The mere fact she did not look like her sister apparently angered many in her life. Even this jackhole talking rabbit was starting in on her about weight.

“Umm, no. You can have it.”

“Nonsense! Rabid, what poor manners. Don’t put our guest on the spot begging for her food! There’s plenty!” Splatter declared.

“Oh no it’s fine, I’m not really hungry.”

“Oh no my dear. You need your strength!” Splatter cut up additional pieces and threw them onto her plate. They landed with a sick squishing sound. The twins were going off on some other strange soliloquy.

“Rub a dub...”

“Dub. Go fuck yourself.” They said.

“That doesn’t even rhyme.” Alice said.

“No, I’m afraid they don’t always rhyme as clever as they are. Would you like some soup?” The Splatter asked.

“Yes! Soup sounds great!” She was so starving and this was all so surreal. Was that really dead human flesh on her plate? The Splatter placed a bowl of soup in front of her. She grabbed the spoon and scooped some out only to see several severed fingers come bobbing up. This was more than she could take as she jumped out of her seat, dropping her umbrella.

“Where are you going? You haven’t even touched your dinner.” The Splatter said.

“I...I can’t. I’m sorry. It’s just too gross.”

“Now that is no way to treat your hosts. You’re not being a very good guest.”

“I’m sorry, but you’re eating people. That’s...that’s wrong. I can’t!”

“Let’s eat her next Splat! Bahahaha!” Rabid called out. She stepped back as each of them began moving toward her.

“Come on Alice,” The Splatter said. “Come sit with us. You know it’ll be fun.”

“Yeah, come on. You’re our guest!”

Alice continue to backpedal while shaking her head.

“No, no. Please!”

The Splatter ripped off his dead eye ball glasses revealing the two huge holes where his eyes should be. He clenched his gloved fists as he leaned toward her.

“Get back over here you fucking cunt! Or we’ll cut your tits off!” He screamed. She freaked out, turned and ran through the strange woods. There were giant mushrooms and strange looking trees that were pink, yellow and red, though several trees had dead bodies hanging off of them by a noose. She wondered if those were former dinner guests as well. She ran past one body and there was another, then another.

Before she knew it, the forest was saturated with hanging dead bodies. Some were freshly dead, others were rotting corpses just dangling. There was no way to get around them, she had to push her way through them as if they were dead human curtains. She pushed through several more and felt herself falling. With a splash she landed into a thick red river. It was blood, the entire river was made of blood and pushing her downstream. The smell and coppery taste made her want to throw up. She tried to swim ashore but the current was too strong, pushing her straight. As she tried to relax, hoping there’d be something she can grab onto, the thought was interrupted by a loud roaring sound. Looking up ahead she saw it. A waterfall, and she headed right for it.

Chapter 3

Alice looked for something to grab onto as the river of blood disappeared over the waterfall, or bloodfall. She went right down it, hoping the fall wouldn’t kill her. She landed with a splash and was sucked under. The thick, coppery taste of blood filled her mouth as she struggled back to the surface. The river was much calmer as she swam ashore and climbed out.

Lying on her back, staring at the gray sky, she held her hands in front of her face. Thick, red and goopy blood was caked on her arms and clothing.

“Well, look what the cat dragged in,” someone said.

She jumped to her feet and on a large rock behind her was a huge cat, like bigger than a grizzly bear big. It was resting on the rock with a huge grin on its face. Though after closer examination it wasn’t a grin at all. It had no lips, only teeth.

“You’re a long way from home little one,” the cat said.

“What the hell?” She screamed, but took a deep breath. “Jesus. I have got to get used to weird ass creatures talking to me here.”

“So we’re just creatures to you? How rude. I should eat you right now.”

“And what is with all of you eating people?”

“Well, we all have to eat. And a nice plumper like you could feed me for a week at least,” the cat said.

“God you are disgusting.”

“Say what you want sister, you’re the one covered in that filth. You really aren’t from around here are you?”

“No. I’m from Texas.”

“Where is that?”

“I don’t know. I don’t even know where here is.”

“Here is wherever you are, and you are here, so here is what here is. There is where there is,” it said.

“Yeah, that made perfect sense.”

“But of course it does. I gather you aren’t enjoying the wonders of Wonderland?”

“Yeah, this place is fucked.”

“What is fucked?”

“Never mind. Any idea how I can get back home?”

“Well how did you get here?”

“I fell down a rabbit hole and landed here, but there seems to be no way back.”

“Oh you’re one of those. What were you doing in a rabbit hole anyway?”

“Long story,” she said. “Do you know or not?”

He sat thinking as his eyes gazed up at the sky.

“Ummm, no. But I know someone who does know.”

“And who would that be?”

“Well the Queen of course she’s ruled Wonderland for centuries. If anyone would know, it would be her.”

“Ok, where do I find her?”

“Simple, look behind me.”

She walked around the huge cat and looked behind him.

“What am I looking for?”

“There should be a yellow brick road.”

“A yellow brick road? There is nothing like that.”

“Oh right. That’s another story. So no yellow brick road. Let’s see. Ok I got it. See that large hill in the distance?”

“I see it,” Alice said. The hill was miles away and surrounded by forest, fields and even a large patch of rocks.

“Her palace in just on the other side. So head that way and keep going, and you won’t miss it.”

“You can’t just take me there?”

“Now why would I do that?”

“I don’t know. To be nice.”

“Haha, cute. Look at me. Do I look like something nice?”

“No, not at all.”

“Good. Besides, it will be more fun to watch you run for your life.”

“From what?” But before he could answer, she heard the barking. There was a pack of dogs barking and howling. From around a patch of the giant mushrooms, a pack of gigantic dogs appeared, or wolves or something with huge ass teeth and looking pissed off. There were dozens of them headed right for her. She wasn’t sure but it looked like smoke came out of one of their noses.

She turned and ran into a tall man wearing chain mail and holding a sword.

“Fear not dear maiden!” The man said. “I am the Great Guadalupe!” The man had a long handlebar mustache and a pointy hat. He lifted his sword and charged at the dogs screaming. “Get thee back oh hounds of hell! Lest I slice you to pulp and send you back from whenst you came!” He waved the sword at the beasts as he admonished them. Alice stood and watched in bizarre fascination at whoever this guy was.

Without even slowing down, the creatures pounced on him as one bit into his head and chest while another into his legs. They pulled until he was ripped in two. His insides spilled out onto the ground as the hounds swallowed each half in one or two gulps. They all looked back up at Alice who turned and began running again. This time she went full speed toward the woods just ahead. The giant dogs were getting closer and closer as she ran.

The trees and brush looked incredibly thick. She might lose them in there if she could make it. If she so much as tripped she’d be done. One of the hounds nipped at the back of her foot, just barely missing as they gained on her. She reached the tree line and dove through the trees and into the thick bushes. She let out a scream as she landed in a large thorny bush. Thorns dug into her face and hands as she tumbled through.

The dogs went from growling to howling. She worked her way out of the thorns and looked behind her. The pack was standing at the edge of the tree line, pacing and looking for a way in. She was right. It was way too thick for them to come after her. She walked further into the forest, though it got darker and the foliage got thicker as she went. At one point she walked right by a good sized mound of dirt. The idea of lying on that and falling asleep seemed wonderful to her. After everything so far, she just wanted a nap.

Chapter 4

Alice ran through the woods as best she could. There was no trail, just thick trees and brush. Each step she took something would poke her or scrape against her face or body. She’d stumbled on for a while when she finally stopped hearing the psycho hell hounds. Alice stopped to catch her breath when she heard a familiar voice.

“You probably don’t want to stop too long in these woods,” it said. She turned to see the large, crazy cat staring at her with its permanent and twisted smile.

“Holy shit! How’d you get here?”

“Oh, I get around. At least you avoided the dogs. Poor Guadalupe. I knew he’d go too far one day.”

“So what else do I have to worry about?”

“You’ll see. Oh, I think that’s them now.”

There was a strange humming sound from above. She looked up and there was a swarm of bees swooping out of the trees and right toward her. These bees were huge, like the size of baseballs. They also had human faces on their bee bodies. The buzzing sounds they were making didn’t even sound like actual buzzing. It sounded like a bunch of guys going “Mmmmm!” as loud as they could.

She turned and ran yet again, stumbling over logs and bushes trying to make her way to safety wherever that may be. There was no sign of the forest ending anytime soon. Alice wove through trees and finally stumbled, landing on her face. The buzzing got louder until they were right over her. She curled up into a ball bracing herself for the thousands of stings that were sure to be coming.

Instead she felt herself being lifted off the ground. Opening her eyes, she was already well into the air, just hovering above the trees. Each of the bees had grasped on to her clothing and were lifting her into the air.

“What’s going on?” She asked as she cleared the trees. Soon the trees were tiny beneath her. Looking ahead she could see the rocks and the hill, and there was a huge castle just over the crest of the hill. “Where are you taking me?” She wasn’t sure if she should expect an answer as they were bees after all.

“The Queen of Hearts wishes to see you. So that is where you go.” One of the bees said.

“I don’t even know her. What does she want with me?”

“You’ll find out soon enough. Now shut up. You’re heavy enough as it is, we need to focus.”

Rude little shits, that was for sure. They flew almost to the hill before landing in an opening in the rock field.

“Why are we here?” She asked.

“We need a rest. So we’re stopping here for a few.” One of the bees said.

“What are you?”

“We’re bees stupid!” He said as he buzzed around her head. She couldn’t help but notice the bee talked like Gilbert Gottfried for some reason.

“I can see that, but you have human faces.”

“So do you! Aren’t you observant?”

“Hey! The bees are here!” Someone yelled. Alice looked and two large, greasy men maybe? Something, were standing next to a large rock. They were both fat, with slimy, pasty skin covered in warts and blackheads. Both were bald and wearing nothing but overalls. They were both smiling and both were missing several teeth.

“Oh great! These two!” The bee said.

“Hey Beezus. Been a long time,” one of the fat ones said.

“Yeah yeah. I avoid this place like the plague if I can.”

“You lead a swarm of bees. Isn’t that kind of a plague?”

“Oh, now you’re a comedian. You two ever bathe? Like at all? Water, on your skin, or scales or whatever?”

“Who is this?” They asked ignoring his jab.

“This is Alice. She’s not from here. Alice, this is Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumbass.”

“You’re name is actually dumbass?” Alice asked.

“TWEEDLE Dumbass.” He corrected.

“Wow.”

“See what I mean?” Beezus said. “I can’t believe I didn’t smell you two coming.”

“Why are you so mean to them?” Alice asked.

“Look at them. They’re fat and gross and they stink!”

“Will you stop calling people fat? What the hell is wrong with you? That’s the first thing you told me.”

“Hey! I gotta lift your asses and haul you around.”

“You’re awful chubby for a fucking bee. Jesus, you’re big and round like a baseball.”

“It’s Beezus, not Jesus, and what’s a baseball?”

Alice threw her hands in the air.

“Hey Alice, you wanna come play cards with us?” Tweedle Dee asked.

“Cards?”

“Yeah, we got a cool card game.”

“No!” Beezus said. “No one is playing cards! Let’s go. The Queen wants to see her.”

The twins took a step back.

“The Queen? See her for what?”

“I don’t know. She says go bring them, I bring them,” Beezus said.

“She usually beheads people she summons,” Tweedle Dumbass said.

“Will you shut up? No! No one is being beheaded.” Beezus buzzed around Alice’s head trying to calm her down. “Don’t listen to him. No one is being beheaded.”

“Why would she behead me? I’ve never seen the woman.”

“Trust me, she’s not going to behead you!” He said as he turned to glare at the Tweedles. “Couple a drama queens these two are. Ok, enough rest for now. Let’s get going guys.” Beezus ordered as the bees swarmed around, grabbing Alice and lifting her off her feet. Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumbass waved as she drifted off the ground. She waved back and soon they were tiny dots beneath her.

They flew over the hill until the castle appeared. As they got closer, it didn’t look nearly as majestic as it had from a distance. It was old, broken down and even had large holes in places. There was a road beneath them leading up to the large door. Along the road there were severed heads on spikes. There were more heads lining the top of the walls of the castle. All together there were at least a hundred heads.

“Those are people’s heads!” She yelled.

“Good observation!” Beezus said.

“You said no one was being beheaded!”

“Not that I’m aware of any way!”

They flew over the outer wall into the courtyard.

“Ok! Here we are!” Beezus yelled as they flew down, setting Alice down in the center. As she looked around the courtyard, there were numerous people, like actual humans chained to the walls of the courtyard. Most were so emaciated they looked like living skeletons. Many were crying out to her.

“Help me! Please! Help!” They screamed. Panic set in as she took it in. There were more people lining the upper walls, but creatures as well. Some like she’d already seen, others unlike anything she’s seen so far. As she looked around a door slid open on the far side of the court yard as a group of dwarves dressed in tuxedos came out carrying large horns. They sounded the horns in unison as another came out between them.

“All subjects of Wonderland! Behold, your Queen of Hearts!”

Chapter 5

The queen walked out to the center of the courtyard flanked by two taller guards carrying spears. The queen was taller than all of them and wearing this hideous red dress. Though as she got closer, Alice realized why it was so ugly. It was made up entirely of human hearts. There were flies buzzing around her dress as she approached Alice, glancing her up and down.

“This is the outsider?” She asked as a group of men came straggling up behind her. These men were of normal height and all wearing bright, white suits.

“Yes, your grace. She came in through the human world.”

“Why? Who let her in?”

The man instantly became visibly uncomfortable. He began to sweat as he stepped away.

“I...um. I don’t know your grace. She just appeared.”

“Just appeared? Just appeared? No one around here just appears. Off with his head!”

Seconds later one of the guards took out his sword and lopped the man’s head off. The other advisors stepped back as his body collapsed to the ground, blood squirting from the fresh stump. Alice jumped back in horror as blood splattered her face and clothes. The guard knelt down and cut into the dead man’s chest. Alice could hear the ribs breaking as the guard snapped them and cut some more before removing the heart, and carefully placing it onto the queen’s dress. The queen nodded to him and looked back at Alice.

“So, I guess it doesn’t matter from whence you came! You might make a good bride for my little prince. Remove her clothing! Let me see her!”

Alice stepped away.

“Are you insane? You’re not taking my clothes!” She screamed, though already horrified watching the man beheaded just inches from her. Several of her guards grabbed her by the arms and held her back. Another came up with a knife and began cutting at her sweatshirt, ripping it off her. He cut off her pants and undergarments until she was completely nude. They let go of her as she held her hands up over her breasts, and hunched over as much as she could. Her body wasn’t something she’d ever been very comfortable with.

“Stand up straight!” the queen ordered. Alice did as she was told, but it wasn’t enough. “Lower your hands!”

One of the guards smacked her on the ass with the flat side of his sword causing Alice to jump.

“Hey!”

The queen circled her, looking her up and down.

“You are flabby. Why is this? Your flesh hangs off you as if you have too much of it. This repulses me.”

“I didn’t ask you, but thanks for the vote of confidence.”

“Silence!” The queen removed one of the smelly hearts from her dress and took a bit out of it. “You see this? This is how I stay young and beautiful.”

Alice was wondering if she wasn’t on some extended acid trip. Maybe her sister had slipped something into her soda earlier. The queen had a face like Al Pacino and her hair was pulled back so tightly, Alice thought at first she was Asian.

“You have potential though. Nice bosoms, plentiful birthing hips. You can birth my son plenty of heirs. I expect at least six grandchildren!”

This lady was out of her fucking mind.

“Look, can I put my clothes on now? I’m not having six kids, especially from your fucked up gene pool lady.” Alice said as she moved toward her clothes but a guard kicked them away.

“Silence! I will not tolerate your insolence! Bring me my son! We shall have the royal wedding at once!”

Alice stood around while the lunatic queen ran around barking orders at attendants who hurriedly set up tables and flowers and such. After a few minutes another horn sounded as they all snapped to attention. One of the little people called out.

“Ladies and gentleman! I bring you, his Majesty, Prince Benji the Ruthless!”

Benji the Ruthless?

An attendant walked out with a short man next to him, well he looked short because he was hunched over. He was wearing a stocking cap, carrying a stuffed teddy bear but he looked like he was forty years old.

“Is this her mama? Is this my new queen?”

“This is your bride, yes.”

“Oh! I like her, I like her!” He squeaked, jumping up and down. Alice just wanted to get dressed and get out of there. Hell, she’d be happy with just getting out of there, screw getting dressed. “Can I touch her boobs?”

“Excellent! The prince approves! You may now consummate your marriage to your new bride!

Consummate?

“What? There was no wedding?”

“Yes there was. I have declared it so, therefore it is so. Lie down on the ground and open yourself, to take in my son’s manhood. Do this at once!”

“No! Fuck you guys!” Again Alice tried to walk away, but another guard grabbed her as two more forced her to the ground. She kicked and flailed and the reality suddenly began to set it. As bizarre as this all was, she was about to be raped by this freak, and there wasn’t a thing she could do to stop it. These guards were all incredibly strong.

They held her to the ground, on her back and pulled her legs apart. Her wrists and ankles stung with pain as the men’s grips tightened. Prince Benji dropped his pants while giggling and panting like a dog in heat. His boner was long, but skinny. He dropped between her legs and thrust his dick against her, as he started moaning.

“Oh yeah! That feels good!” He moaned. “Oh! Wow, oh shit yeah!”

Thing was, he wasn’t inside her, He was humping her thigh, but she wasn’t about to tell him so. She just lie there and hoped he’d be done soon.

“You fool!” The queen called out. “Don’t ejaculate yet! You’ve missed her vagina!”  She walked over and bent down, grabbing her son’s erection. “Here, let me put it in for you.”

As bad as all of this had seemed so far, it was turning out to be much much worse. Alice closed her eyes and tried not to cry as his sticky, bony penis began thrusting inside her, slamming into the inner walls of her vagina. Hopefully it would all be over soon.

Chapter 6

Alice tried to shut out the pain and the noise as Benji thrust in and out of her. The captive crowd was even cheering and celebrating despite their own captivity. Apparently her suffering was more enjoyable to watch. Benji kept making these weird giggling and grunting noises as he drooled the entire time. One trail of drool dripped down onto her cheek, running down her face.

“Have all of you gone mad?” A man’s voice said. She looked up and it was The Splatter, whom earlier had tried to eat her. He had on his huge top hat, and stared at each of them with his hollow eyes.

“How dare you interrupt! This is a royal wedding being consummated before all our subjects!” The queen shouted.

“I suppose so, but I’m the one who found her. So technically she’s mine.” The Splatter said.

“What? Is this true?” She asked another advisor. He looked around confused.

“I, um. He is correct your grace. Any outsiders who come to Wonderland are property of the finder.”

“What fucking idiot wrote such a law?” The queen screamed.

“You did your grace.”

“Insolence! Off with his head!” She shouted as another guard lopped the advisor’s head off instantly. The man dug his heart out for the queen’s dress as she walked over to Alice who was still being held on the ground.

“Mommy. Take off this ugly skull man’s head! He interrupted my lovely wedding!” Benji cried out.

“Yes, he did. Offing his head does no good. It just keeps growing back.”

“That it does my queen.”

“It is too late though. My son’s wedding has already been consummated.”

“Not yet mama. I need to spit my load inside her!” Benji protested.

“Very well. You may continue planting your seed.”

Alice lie there taking in this insanity. Whatever these people were, they were all completely insane, there was no doubt about that. Though in the commotion, she noticed one of the guards had become more focused on watching the action than in holding her. His grip had begun to loosen. She looked up and he was knelt down next to her left ear, the sheath of his short sword in arms reach. As Benji climbed back on top of her, she allowed her body to become totally limp.

The guard’s grip relaxed even more. She began moaning and pretending she liked it. This would require some acting as she was repulsed by this whole situation. So her moans got louder as she began to grind her hips. Benji giggled louder as the guards began to snicker and giggle. She writhed even more, pretending to be more and more into it as the guard’s grip finally let up completely. She grabbed his short sword, pulled it from the sheath and thrust it into his throat.

Blood shot out of his throat as he tried to plug the leak with his hands. Alice withdrew it and slashed at the other guard’s head, taking it off on in one swipe. Benji’s dick went limp inside her as his eyes went wide. She grunted as she jammed the sword into his throat and pulled it out. He collapsed to the ground as she jumped to her feet and took off running.

“Wow! Feisty one that one is!” The Splatter yelled from behind her.

“Benji! No! Off with her head! Off with it! I want her head on a spike! Now!” the queen screamed as Alice ran through the doors large doors swinging and flailing the sword at anyone who came near her. She’d entered the queen’s palace which looked more like a giant dungeon on the inside. The place was filthy and smelled like death and rot. There were more dead bodies hanging about and the halls were lined with various bone and human remains

Once inside she darted through several corners until she reached what must have been her throne room. The room was large with a long red carpet leading down the middle. At least it was red at one time. Now it was just brown and covered with stains. Once again, more dead bodies dangling from the ceiling. Apparently the queen liked to remind her subjects just how ruthless she was. That much was evident, ruthless or insane at least.

She realized she was still naked and looked around for anything she could cover herself with. Normally she was very self-conscious about her body, but at the moment that took a huge back seat. Though it didn’t change the weird feeling of her boobs flopping around as she ran. Though standing in the throne room and looking at the throne, a thought struck her. The silly argument The Splatter and the queen had over who’s property Alice was due to who found her first.

This was all based on some law the queen had forgotten she’d made up. Alice wondered what other weird laws the queen may have come up with. Footsteps were approaching from down the hall along with men shouting. There was no other way out of the throne room, she could see. So it was a long shot, but she ran up the steps in the large throne, that looked like it was crafted from tin cans and old phone books. They were all compacted together and looks like glued to form the huge throne.

She turned and sat on the throne, but the cold seat stung her bare buns. Jumping up she sat down slowly again, though the cold still made her twitch. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Figured if nothing else, she’ll play the part. It probably wouldn’t work, but even if they killed her now, it would be better than being raped by that sick Benji asshole. Finally the guards came running into the throne room.

“I think she went in here!” One of them called out. They turned the corner into the room and all froze when they saw her on the throne. They each looked at each other confused. Finally one knelt and the others followed suit.

“To our new queen! Queen Alice has taken the throne!” He said.

“Long live the queen!”

“Long live the queen!” The men repeated. The Splatter came strolling in with the queen next to him. She thought he may have been smiling, but his face was a skull, it always looked smiling.

“Well there! You’ve done well for yourself!” The Splatter said.

The queen, or now former queen came in and looked as if her eyes were going to jump out of their sockets.

“What have you done?” She screamed. “Traitor! Traitor to the kingdom! Off with her head! Off with it!”

“Uh, my queen, er, um...ma’am?” One of her now former advisors had said.

“What? I gave you an order!”

“Yes, that’s the problem. According to the law, she has assumed the throne, so she is now queen.”

“Don’t be ridiculous! Do as I say or off with your head!”

The other advisors stepped in to explain.

“He is right. You got the throne in a similar fashion, remember? You assumed the throne from your husband, and then had him beheaded. It has been a law since the dawn of Wonderland.”

“Don’t be ridiculous! I was born queen! Off with her head!” She screamed, this time saliva was shooting out of her mouth as she yelled. As nuts as the woman had previously been, Alice was certain she’d totally lost her mind.

The guards didn’t move toward Alice though, they just looked at her. Now her nakedness didn’t seem to bother her one bit. She stood tall, holding the short sword out before her, pointing it at her predecessor.

“Strip her and hand her over to Mr. Splatter! She will be their next feast!” Alice commanded.

“Oh happy day!” Splatter exclaimed jumping up and down. The former queen just screamed and struggled as the guards cut the gross dress of human hearts off her, and removed what dirty undergarments the woman had on. They took her to the ground and bound her with rope and twine before handing her over the Splatter who threw her over his shoulders as if she were a bag of flower. “I can’t remember the last time we had a royal feast! This will be just delightful! Thank you your majesty! Your first act as queen could not have been better!” Splatter said as he tipped his hat and disappeared down the hallway.

The other guards all approached the throne and knelt before her. The main one had on a striped cloak. He’d been the one to do all of the head lopping earlier. She figured he was the master at arms.

“What is thy bidding my queen?” He asked as he knelt before her. The others all knelt behind him on one knee, including the advisors. Alice couldn’t believe what was happening. She needed a nice long bath, but she doubted such a thing existed in this filthy pit. Maybe as queen she can get the place cleaned up. In the meantime, she had one request.

“Someone please get me a robe!”

Chapter 7

Alice retired from her throne room as one of her new attendants took her to her quarters. She was pleased to see this was the only nice room of the castle so far. It was clean, with a huge bed, clean silk sheets and a huge closet lined with clothes. Though the clothes all looked like something out of an episode of The Tudors. Nothing she’d want to wear no matter what her weird title now was.

“Excuse me?” She asked the young woman, who was apparently her handmaiden. “What is your name?”

“I am Annalise milady.”

“Yes Annalise, could you maybe find me some, like, normal clothes? This stuff all looks ancient and uncomfortable. I just need plain clothes.”

“I will, do what I can your grace. Will you be off with my head if I fail?” The girl asked.

“What?”

“My head. The old queen would cut off anyone’s head who let her down.”

Alice laughed as she clenched her robe around her. She couldn’t imagine how it must have been for those people. Constantly living in fear of being eaten or having your head cut off for some psycho bitch’s amusement. No, she would not be that kind of queen at all. Though she may need to crack a few skulls to get things in order here.

“Tell you what, can you draw me a bath? As you can see I’m filthy and covered in blood,” Plus she wanted to wash Benji’s nastiness off herself. Annalise did as she was told and got to work.

A few hours later, Alice lie on the bed, still in her silk robe, but this time nice and clean. The relaxing bath was exactly what she had needed. She’d even dozed off for a short time. Now that she was clean and rested she had a minute to take in her new role and what it meant. One thing it meant however, was not seeing her family and friends. Though she’d never had many friends, and if she thought long and hard about it, her family probably either didn’t realize she was gone, or was just glad to be rid of her.

Here was a place she was the queen. She was the single and final authority on everything. Though she’d killed more than a few people since her arrival, those had all been in self-defense. She didn’t even want to begin thinking about her rape, so she pushed that to the back of her mind, hopefully for good. Her door swung open as one of her advisors strolled in.

“Good evening your grace. So sorry to disturb you, but a situation has arose,” he said.

“Situation? What is that?”

“Humpty Dumpty and his men have mounted an offensive on the palace. Word has spread there is a new queen and he is making his push for power.”

“Are you kidding? So I’m barely queen a few hours and there’s a fucking revolt?”

“Well, not exactly your grace. Humpty Dumpty has been planning for years to make a move. He’s managed to lie low for quite a while. The Queen of Hearts had people hunting him for several years but with no luck. Now it seems we’ve found him.”

“What do I do?”

“Madam?”

“We’re under attack. What the fuck am I supposed to do?” She asked.

“Well, you’re the queen. That is up to you.”

“Ok, do we have an army?”

“Yes. Several.”

“Good, who is in charge of them?”

“You are, your grace.”

“No shit. Is there a general or something?”

“Yes my queen. General Grayskull.”

“Grayskull?”

“Indeed.”

“Ok then. Send him to me, immediately.”

He bowed and walked out of the room. She paced in her bare feet as she looked around the room. This was just great. Her first war as queen and she couldn’t even find anything to wear. In the corner there were a pair of thick leather boots. She walked over and pulled them on. At least they fit ok, though they looked like medieval combat boots. Whatever, footwear was footwear. After a few moments, her door opened up and a tall man wearing battle armor and carrying a huge sword stepped in.

“General Grayskull at your service my queen,” he said as he knelt before her. She was relieved to see his face in fact was not a gray skull. Though he was far from attractive. Besides being freakishly tall, he looked like he’d been in more than his share of battles. His face was pale and laden with scars. His right eye was white with no iris at all.

“I’m aware of Humpty Dumpty and his men. I assure you they don’t stand a chance against us.”

“You seem awful sure.”

“I am a seasoned warrior. You are welcome to come and watch the battle my queen. We shall put on a spectacle for you like you will never forget.”

“Maybe I’ll join you. I gather your old queen ran and hid a lot.”

He hesitated, but made eye contact with her and then nodded.

“She did your grace,” he said.

“I don’t want to be like that. I want to show my people I care, that I am their leader.”

“If you insist my queen. It would be an honor to be at your side. If you ride alongside me, I can see to your safety.”

“Sounds good,” she grabbed her sword and walked toward him. “Let’s go.”

“You aren’t going to get dressed your grace?”

“I took the throne wearing less than this.”

“Indeed,” he said as he turned and walked out. She followed him as they walked through the halls and down some stairs, to a large field outside the castle. There were thousands of soldiers and horses, but not quite horses. They were large, four legged creatures that looked like horses except they were purple with their backs in a huge arch. In the center their heads and just below their eyes was a short, thick, but sharp horn. Each of them were fitted with saddles and armor.

“What are these things?” She asked, petting one.

“They are called unicorns my queen.”

“Unicorns? They don’t look like unicorns,” She said. They were far from the beautiful and majestic creatures she’d read about or had seen in cartoons. These were nice looking animals, but were vicious beasts, strong and powerful, but not pretty or cute at all.

“You’ve seen many unicorns where you’re from?” He asked.

“Guess not.”

She looked around, trying to figure out how she’d go about this. Finally she shrugged.

“Fuck it,” she said as she removed her robe, folded it over and lay it across the saddle as she climbed onto the creature. Looking around the rest of the soldiers, all of whom were wearing armor similar to Grayskull’s, were staring at her.

“What? You never seen a naked girl before?”

Grayskull raised his sword and knelt down before her unicorn and shouted.

“Long live the naked queen!”

“Long live the naked queen!” The men repeated. They all stood and mounted their beasts as she followed Grayskull to the front of the pack. For the first time in her life, being naked didn’t bother her one bit. She felt all the men’s eyes upon her as she rode past. No longer was she feeling fat, ugly, weak or odd. She was strong, beautiful and powerful. Alice had become the Naked Queen.

Chapter 8

At this point, nothing should have surprised Alice, but yet she was when she saw her mortal enemy, Humpty Dumpty was in fact a giant egg. He wasn’t riding any kind of horse. He rode on some platform being carried by his men while the rest of his troops, which looked like a band of trolls marched in carrying spears and sticks. Alice rode up alongside General Grayskull who didn’t appear to be the least bit tense.

“What do you think?” She asked.

“I think Humpty Dumpty has gone totally mad and should prepare for his death.”

“Did you know he was an egg?”

“Of course. I thought everyone knew that,” he scoffed as he rode his unicorn up ahead of the pack and led them into battle. The two sets of armies charged at each other as Alice just tried to hang on. Maybe riding into battle naked wasn’t the hottest idea ever. Then again, maybe riding into battle at all wasn’t so smart. She clutched the creature’s neck as both armies swarmed around her, engaged in battle. The sounds of shouting, screaming and clanging swords filled the air.

One of Humpty Dumpty’s trolls came charging straight at her. She raced past him and swung her sword, beheading him in a single blow. She turned and stabbed another. Most of the trolls were on foot, so she was able to ride through and cut them down easily. Her men were quickly annihilating the egg man’s army.

It was all over in just a few minutes. Her army outnumbered Humpty Dumpty’s at least three to one. He had grossly underestimated her, but would pay. Though when she approached him sitting on his platform with a huge smile on his face. For an egg, he had an awful lot of teeth, though he was missing several of his front teeth, leaving a huge gap. There was what looked like a big crack down one side where his head should be, with a white milky substance oozing out. He was very large, standing up he was at least six feet tall. No telling how big around he was.

“You seem awful upbeat. You just lost. You’re not my prisoner,” Alice said.

Humpty Dumpty just laughed. As he spoke she couldn’t help but notice his voice was deep and guttural, like Jabba the Hutt.

“You haven’t beaten me. You just fell into my trap! Hahahaha,” he said.

“What trap is that?”

“JABBERWOCKY!” He shouted.

From over the hillside, what little daylight there was left was blotted out by a huge shadow that flew from behind the hills. The thing let out a roar that caused the ground to rumble as it flew straight up into the sky. Its wings were outstretched as it climbed until it was a tiny speck. It then turned into a dive straight at them. Alice and her men stood mesmerized watching the giant creature as it dove straight at them.

As it approached, it pulled out of the dive until it was barely a dozen feet over head. It swooped over them as a plume of blue flame shot out engulfing dozens of Alice’s soldiers. They screamed as they ran for cover, but finding none. The smell of burning flesh and hair filled the air as the burning men screaming. Many tried rolling on the ground but it did no good. The Jabberwocky swooped around for another pass this time headed straight for Alice.

Humpty Dumpty sat on his platform laughing heartily while watching everyone burn. Alice jumped onto the platform and ran behind the huge egg man.

“What are you doing? Get out of here!” He called out. She figured if he commanded the Jabberwocky, then the thing won’t hurt him. At least she hoped that was the case. She began pushing him from behind, as he struggled against her. Despite his large, round, egg shape, he was heavy as hell. She put her shoulder into his back and pushed and pushed. He was unable to move at all other than flailing his arms to stop her.

Finally she got some movement as the Jabberwocky was now headed right for them. It already began unleashing its fire onto the remaining men on the ground. She backed up a few feet and ran into him, plowing into him this time and sending him toppling off the platform and onto the ground. He rolled and rolled as the platform was a light incline. Humpty Dumpty kept rolling until he was right in the path of the creature’s deadly flames.

Humpty Dumpty screamed a high pitched squeal as he was engulfed in flames. His outer shell popped and crackled as his white, milky insides oozed out, sizzling as the flames licked it up. The creature came to a stop as it realized it had just killed its master. It flew back around and landed next to what was left of Humpty Dumpty, which was now a giant omelet, but it didn’t smell like egg at all. He smelled like piss and shit.

The creature looked up and roared again, this time as if it were crying. Alice wasn’t sure what was going on, but she wasn’t going to stick around to find out. Slowly she began to back away and climb down off the platform, hoping it wouldn’t see or hear her. As she did so, the thing looked at her, its huge green eyes making eye contact, freezing her in her tracks. The hate coming from those eyes struck more terror into her than anything else she’d seen so far in wonderland.

It roared again as she covered her eyes, waiting for the all-consuming blue flame of death to overtake her, burning her into a pulp. But that didn’t happen. Instead it leaned toward her. She could smell the sulfur and smoke on its hot breath as she tried to hold perfectly still. Part of her wanted to just turn and run, but no doubt the thing could destroy her several different ways. It leaned in just looking at her for a moment and even sniffing her. Without any warning or so much as a twitch to give away its movements, the creature’s huge mouth snapped wide open and lunged at her. In a single gulp, she was inside the Jabberwocky’s throat, which was nothing but a dark abyss. The spasm of its swallow reflex hurled her further into the darkness. Whatever journey she had been on in Wonderland, was about to come to a horrific end.

Chapter 9

Alice thought she was in hell. The black hole had no end. She was expecting to hit the belly of the beast at any second and be slowly and painfully digested over a long time. That did not happen however. What did happen was a light appeared a head. Not just one, but several. Swirling lights of yellow, green, red and orange. As she got closer, it was a bright, smoky mist that swallowed her up. She closed her eyes as she tumbled through the fog.

Keeping her eyes pinched shut, it was a shock to her when her body hit the cold water. She splashed into a body of water and opened her eyes. The cold stung her naked flesh as she kicked her way to the surface, opening her eyes as she took a deep breath. Looking around and treading water, she was in yet another forest. Though this place wasn’t as dark and dreary as Wonderland. The sun shone brightly as the trees covered nearby hills. She was in a small lake.

It was hard to swim ashore still wearing the boots. Though that was still all she was wearing. She wasn’t sure where she was, but it was clear she was no longer in wonderland. As she reached the bank, she crawled out and lie on the ground. As she looked up at the sky, there were no clouds at all. The air was crisp and cool on her wet skin. She took several deep breaths. Wherever she was, it wasn’t Texas. Definitely not hot enough.

There was a sound nearby, a rustling sound along with something lapping up water. Slowly she sat up, looking to her left. There was a huge and furry creature about fifty feet away. It couldn’t see her, but from where she sat, it looked like a large dog. A wolf maybe? The thing was bent over and drinking from the lake. Once it finished drinking, it stood and looked around, using the back of its hand, or paw to wipe its mouth.

The thing was clearly a wolf of some sort, but it stood on its hind legs like a person, and looked way too tall to be a regular wolf. She thought maybe it was a werewolf, but it was day light. Then again she just came back from Wonderland where she saw talking eggs, unicorns and fire breathing dragons among other things. So the sight of a werewolf should seem tame by comparison.

The wolf stopped wiping its face when it saw her. The thing froze in place before lowering its hand and started heading her way. She jumped to her feet and started backing away. This was just great. She was far too exhausted to keep running or fighting, but unless she wanted to be eaten by a strange creature twice in one day, she had better run.

The tall weeds were hard to run in as they whipped against her bare thighs and butt, giving her lacerations all up and down her lower body. She ignored the pain as she powered through the brush, but the beast was too fast for her. It closed the distance quickly and from there was toying with her. It would come up behind her, scratch her slightly, and then drift back. Then it would run up again and repeat it until it got bored. From there it leapt onto her back, knocking her to the ground.

She let out a scream as the large wolf stood over her, panting, looking as if he were smiling. She tried to struggle away, but the thing held her down. Alice began to cry as the strain and frustration of the last twenty-four hours began to take its toll. After all her trials and all she had survived, here she was going to die in this strange place, to this giant wolf while lying naked in a field. The idea of her life ending didn’t even bother her so much. Other than her short stint as the Naked Queen of Wonderland, she had accomplished little in life other than disappointing her family.

No, what had her most upset was she would die here, and no one back home would even miss her. It would be as if she’d never existed. Her thoughts were interrupted by the wolf himself, who began to speak.

“Oh, come on now. Don’t cry,” he said.

“You can talk?” She said, which should not have surprised her at this point, but it did.

“Of course I can.”

“You’re going to kill me aren’t you?”

“Why would I do that?”

“Because you chased after me and tackled me. Plus you’re a werewolf.”

He laughed for a moment as he shook his head.

“No, no. I’m not a werewolf at all,” he said.

“Then what are you?”

“I’m the Big Bad Wolf!”

To be continued...