Circle of Friends Complete Collection: Circle of Friends: Part 1 of 6\Circle of Friends: Part 2 of 6\Circle of Friends: Part 3 of 6\Circle of Friends: ... Part 5 of 6\Circle of Friends: Part 6 of 6
Author: Susan Mallery
Date: 2015-04-29 04:00:00+00:00
Description: Originally published as the Positively Pregnant series! This box set includes all 6 parts of the Circle of Friends serialization. All 6 parts were previously published as full books: • Having Her Boss’ Baby (Parts 1 and 2 of Circle of Friends) • The Ladies’ Man (Parts 3 and 4 of Circle of Friends) • Her Last First Date (Parts 5 and 6 of Circle of Friends) Get by with a little help from your friends Noelle Stevenson, Rachel Harper, and Crissy Phillips found more than yarn and sweaters at their local knitting group—they found each other, the sisters they never had. Now follow their journey as th
Publisher: Harlequin Enterprises Ltd.
Rights: Copyright (c) 2006 by Susan Macias Redmond

Revisit a Susan Mallery fan favorite in this special release of her Positively Pregnant series!

Get by with a little help from your friends

Noelle Stevenson, Rachel Harper, and Crissy Phillips found more than yarn and sweaters at their local knitting group—they found each other, the sisters they never had. Now, follow their journey as they navigate love, marriage, and babies—not necessarily in that order!—in the Circle of Friends!

This box set includes all 6 parts of Circle of Friends by #1 New York Times bestselling author Susan Mallery.

Table of Contents

Circle of Friends: Part 1 of 6

Circle of Friends: Part 2 of 6

Circle of Friends: Part 3 of 6

Circle of Friends: Part 4 of 6

Circle of Friends: Part 5 of 6

Circle of Friends: Part 6 of 6

CIRCLE OF FRIENDS:
Part 1 of 6

Susan Mallery

Contents

CHAPTER ONE

CHAPTER TWO

CHAPTER THREE

CHAPTER FOUR

CHAPTER FIVE

CHAPTER SIX

CHAPTER SEVEN (Beginning)

When Noelle, Rachel and Crissy met in knitting class, they became instant friends. Soon they’ll find themselves having a lot more in common...knitting baby boots! One yarn that binds them all.

CHAPTER ONE

UNTIL NOELLE STEVENSON actually saw the word “pregnant” on the plastic stick, she’d allowed herself to believe everything was going to be all right. After all, it had been her first time. Wasn’t she supposed to have a grace period? Like when a light bill was due? Those extra couple of days until disaster struck?

Apparently not, she thought, barely able to breathe as she turned the plastic over in her hands. Pregnant. Her.

She couldn’t imagine what her parents were going to say. Not that they would kill her. Anger seemed pretty manageable. Instead they would get quiet, look at each other in that way of silently communicating that had always driven her and her sisters crazy, then ask her what she wanted to do. After all, she’d created the situation, now she would have to deal with the consequences. They were going to be disappointed and that was always the worst.

Noelle looked in the mirror and saw the fear in her eyes. She wouldn’t be twenty for another two weeks. She was supposed to be starting her second year at community college in the fall. There couldn’t be a baby. This wasn’t really happening.

The sound of footsteps on a hardwood floor got her attention. It was barely after six in the morning. The office should have been deserted. Who had picked this particular morning to come in early, too?

Not waiting to find out, Noelle stuffed the stick back into the box and shoved the box into her coat pocket. She quickly glanced around the private bathroom of her employer to make sure she hadn’t left anything behind, then hurried through his office, hoping to make an escape before anyone caught her.

She raced across the large space and dashed into the hall, only to slam into the one person she would most like to have avoided.

“What’s the rush?” Devlin Hunter asked as he reached out to steady her.

Noelle cleared her throat, then forced herself to smile as she stepped back and wondered what on earth she was going to say. The truth was impossible. She could imagine the look on his face if she blurted out, “Gee, Mr. Hunter, I needed to come in extra early so I could have some privacy in the bathroom. At home, I share with my three sisters. What with me thinking I might be pregnant with your late brother’s child, I really didn’t want to let my family in on my little secret. You, either, for that matter.”

“Um, no rush,” Noelle said, knowing she sounded impossibly stupid. “I, ah, needed to get some work done, so I came in to get a jump start on it.”

Mr. Hunter glanced at his watch, then at her. “It’s barely after six.”

“I actually know that.”

“I didn’t know Katherine was such an exacting boss,” he said, a faint smile tugging on the corners of his mouth.

Technically, Noelle didn’t work for Mr. Hunter. She worked for his assistant. Secretary to an assistant—it was a little like being the dog’s pet. Still, she adored Katherine, who always let her schedule her hours around her college classes.

“She’s not,” Noelle said. “I just wanted to, you know, be diligent.”

“Admirable.”

He studied her as if he didn’t quite believe her. Noelle knew she was a lousy liar and wondered what, exactly, he could read in her eyes.

Mr. Hunter was tall—taller than Jimmy had been. They both had dark hair, but Mr. Hunter had green eyes, while Jimmy’s had been brown. That wasn’t the only other difference, either. Jimmy had been a lot younger and not nearly as responsible. Not until he’d gone into the army.

She didn’t want to think about Jimmy being gone or her being pregnant. So she smiled and started to move around Mr. Hunter.

“I’ll just get to my desk,” she said, hoping he wouldn’t ask why she’d been in his office.

“All right.”

She moved to the left and he moved to the right. As they were facing each other, that meant they bumped. He excused himself and lifted his briefcase so she could get by. The corner of the case nudged her pocket and something fell to the floor. Mr. Hunter bent down and picked it up.

Her heart froze in her chest. One second there was beating and the next...nothing. She closed her eyes and willed herself to disappear. Or at the very least, grow wings and fly away. Flying would be excellent.

Instead there was only the sound of their breathing and a long, lingering silence.

“Did I interrupt you before or after you took the test?” he asked quietly.

She kept her eyes shut. Humiliation burned both inside and out. “After.”

“And?”

She opened her eyes and looked up at him. “I’m pregnant.”

Dev had figured the worst part of his day would be arguing with one of his suppliers. He’d been wrong.

“Then I guess we should talk,” he said and led the way into his office.

* * *

PREGNANT.

Devlin swore silently. Jimmy had just been a kid, he thought grimly. Noelle Stevenson was even younger. He set the pregnancy-test kit box on his desk.

She sat across from him, all wide-eyed and scared. He doubted she could look more embarrassed or uncomfortable and guessed she wanted to be anywhere but here, which was exactly how he felt. But despite the awkward situation, he wasn’t going to walk away from his responsibilities.

He’d always been the one to take care of his brother when they’d been younger and clean up Jimmy’s messes when they were older. But a baby...

“You were dating my brother,” he said.

She nodded without looking at him. “We’d been going out a couple of months when he joined the army. He said I should see other people after he went away, but I didn’t want to, so when he came home on leave, he said...” She swallowed. “We talked about getting married.”

Dev remembered being twenty and interested in a girl, and he knew his brother. If discussing marriage was what it took to get her into bed, then that’s what Jimmy would have done.

“I thought...” She toyed with the buttons on her jacket. “He was really sweet and fun and he was going to a dangerous part of the world. He said he might not come back.”

Dev held in a groan. Not just for the overused line, but with the realization that not only had his brother gotten a girl pregnant, that she might have been a virgin.

“Your first time?” he asked bluntly.

Noelle hunched over so her long, pale blond hair covered her face, but he saw her nod. Disbelief blended with anger. If his brother had been alive, Dev would have beaten the crap out of him. But Jimmy was gone. One way or another Jimmy had always managed to make his problems Dev’s problems. This time, under circumstances that were still filled with grief. Pain warred with guilt but neither won. And there was still Noelle to deal with.

He figured it would be insensitive to boot up his computer at that moment so he could get into the personnel files there. Without them, he knew very little about her. She worked for his assistant. She’d been with the company a little less than a year. She’d had minimal office skills when she’d arrived, but she’d worked hard and now Katherine claimed she couldn’t exist without her.

Sometime over the spring, Jimmy had met her and they’d started dating. But who was she and what the hell was he supposed to do now?

“I didn’t mean for this to happen,” Noelle said quietly, still not looking at him. “I thought I loved him, but I wasn’t sure. And he was so sweet... But I knew I should wait. Only then he was killed and I thought I’d done the right thing. I felt so horrible for him and for you. I know you’re his only family. And then I thought everything would be okay. Except I was late and a couple of days ago I realized I might be...you know.”

She stopped and sucked in a breath. It was then he figured out she was crying.

He stood and walked into the bathroom, where some mystery cleaning person always left a fresh box of tissues. After handing them to her, he perched on the edge of his desk.

“How old are you, Noelle?”

She took the tissues and wiped her face with one, then blew her nose. “I’ll be twenty in a couple of weeks.”

Still a kid herself, he thought. “You go to college?”

“Community college. I’ll start my second year in the fall.” She wrinkled her nose. “I know, I know, I should be at UC Riverside, but early in my senior year of high school I was skiing with the youth group.” She looked up and actually gave him a little smile. “I had a close encounter with a tree. I usually do better than that. Anyway, I broke my leg and messed up some ligaments, which meant surgery and physical therapy and more surgery. My mom homeschooled me and I was able to graduate with my class, but I missed out on a lot of activities and the SATs. I wasn’t even able to apply to a four-year college. So I’m doing it this way, which is good because it saves a lot of money. I mean, there are four of us and it’s not like my parents are rich or anything.”

Too much information, he thought, not sure where to go first. “You still live at home?”

“Yes. I’m one of four girls. The oldest.” The humor in her blue eyes faded. “Talk about setting a bad example.”

“What do your parents do?”

“My dad’s the pastor at our church and my mom works in the office.”

Dear God, Jimmy had slept with a minister’s daughter?

“What do you want to do when you finish college?”

“Go into nursing, specializing in pediatrics.” She held up her hand. “I beg you, do not give me the ‘be a doctor instead’ lecture. When I was in the hospital, the people who made a difference for me were the nurses. That’s what I want to do—take care of kids and help them be less scared while they’re sick.”

“No lectures,” he promised.

Now what? The young woman was pregnant with his brother’s child, and that made her his responsibility. But how to handle things? If Jimmy were still alive, he could insist they get married. He could...

Jimmy wasn’t alive, he reminded himself again and he, Dev, was the reason.

The ever-present guilt coiled around him like a large, deadly snake. He willed himself not to react. The more immediate problem was Noelle’s pregnancy and what to do about it, and her.

* * *

NOELLE SHIFTED UNCOMFORTABLY in the chair. While she appreciated how nice Mr. Hunter was being, she didn’t know what, exactly, he wanted from her. He wasn’t the father of her baby, so this wasn’t his problem. Still, at least he hadn’t questioned her for saying Jimmy was the father and she didn’t think he’d thought anything bad about her.

A baby. She touched her hand to her stomach. It didn’t seem possible that there was a child growing inside of her. Sure, she’d always wanted a family, but not like this and not so soon. Except, with Jimmy dead, the baby was all that was left of him.

She wondered what he would have said if she could have told him. Despite his emotional proposal the last time he’d been home, she wasn’t sure he would have wanted to go through with the marriage. She wasn’t even sure she would have. Everything had happened so quickly. They’d been dating and having fun, then he’d been gone and they’d kept in touch with letters and e-mail and then he’d been back for just a short period of time. She hadn’t been able to think.

“We should get married.”

At first Noelle was sure she hadn’t heard the words correctly. She looked at Mr. Hunter, trying to figure out if he’d really spoken.

“Excuse me?”

His gaze never left her face. “We should get married as quickly as possible. Jimmy was my brother. That makes the baby my responsibility. I’m only doing what he would have done. The difference being, we aren’t involved.”

His responsibility? Technically he was the baby’s uncle, she thought frantically, but in reality he was Mr. Hunter, her boss’s boss and someone she didn’t know at all.

“I’m suggesting a marriage of convenience,” he added calmly. “Something temporary for, say, two years. Long enough for you to get on your feet and get used to being a mother. Then we would divorce. You’d get what Jimmy would have inherited, if he’d lived. I would like to continue to have contact with the child and see him or her raised as a Hunter, but otherwise you would be free to live your life.”

“You’re suggesting marriage and divorce,” she said, amazed she could speak at all. Her brain whirled and twirled until she was so dizzy she couldn’t imagine standing ever again. This was not happening. Mr. Hunter proposing? “You barely know me, Mr. Hunter. I don’t know you at all. We can’t get married.”

He crossed his arms over his chest. “I’m not trying to seduce you, Noelle. While we will live in the same house, our lives will be entirely separate. I want to help you. I am Jimmy’s only relative so his child is my responsibility.”

That made sense, but marriage? Why hadn’t he just offered child support? “I don’t want to get married only to get divorced,” she said. “I don’t believe in that. I think marriage is a serious and permanent commitment.”

“Which you can have later,” he said. “With someone else. Someone you meet and fall in love with. I’m going to be blunt, Noelle. You’re going to be twenty when the baby is born. You work part-time and you’re attending college. From what you’ve said, your parents aren’t very well-off. Can they afford to take on another child? Do you want them to? What about your dreams of being a nurse? How are you going to care for a baby, support yourself and the child and attend college? What about paying rent, bills, health insurance, college tuition? Do you really want to take this all on yourself?”

He leaned toward her. “I’m offering a temporary solution that allows you to get on with your life. All your expenses will be taken care of. We can hire a nanny to help out, if you’d like. At the end of the prearranged time, you’ll have enough money to take care of everything. If you live carefully, you won’t need to work if you don’t want to.”

As her brain hadn’t settled down, she didn’t know what to think. “Why?” she asked. “Why would you do this?”

For the first time since he’d invited her into his office, Mr. Hunter wouldn’t look at her. “Jimmy going into the military was my idea,” he said at last. “What happened to him is my fault.”

He spoke calmly, but she heard the pain in his voice and in his words. He blamed himself for his brother’s death.

Her instinct was to go to him and offer comfort. Instead she said, “You didn’t fire the gun, Mr. Hunter. You didn’t kill your brother.”

He returned his attention to her and raised his dark eyebrows. “Under the circumstances don’t you think you should call me Dev?”

“What? Oh. Sure. Dev.” Right now weren’t names the least of their problems? “My point is you’re not responsible for your brother’s death and you’re not responsible for me being pregnant.” As if Mr. Hunter—Dev—would ever be interested in her that way. She’d seen a couple of the women he’d dated. They were all tall, slinky, exotic beauties. She looked more like a Wisconsin farmgirl—all blond hair and freckles.

“I’m very serious about my proposal,” he said.

Because he felt responsible, she thought. He would. She knew a little about him because of what Jimmy had told her. Dev had been in high school when his mother died. Jimmy had been only six or seven. Their father had disappeared and their paternal grandfather had stepped in to take care of the two boys. Only he had died a few years later and Dev had raised Jimmy.

Her boyfriend had frequently complained about how strict he could be, but Noelle had always admired Dev for taking on the challenging task of raising a teenager. From the little she’d known about him, Jimmy hadn’t made things easy.

But Jimmy was still the only family Dev had and with Jimmy gone, there was only the baby.

“You don’t have to marry me to have a relationship with your brother’s child,” she said. “I would never keep you from him or her. I realize you won’t want to take my word on that, so I’ll sign something if you’d like.”

“Is that what you think this is about?” he asked.

She straightened in the chair and met his gaze. “I’m young, but I’m not an idiot. I’m aware of all the difficulties in raising a child in my situation. This isn’t what I would have chosen for my life path, but it happened and I’ll deal with the consequences.”

A good speech, she thought, hoping he couldn’t tell how much she shook as she gave it. What she hadn’t mentioned was the mind-numbing terror at the thought of actually having to take care of a baby by herself. He’d been right before. How would she pay for things? When would she have time to work and go to school? She was fairly confident her parents wouldn’t toss her out onto the street, but their small house was already jammed full. Where would they put a baby?

He studied her. “You’re not what I imagined,” he admitted. “Most of Jimmy’s girlfriends have been...”

“Airheads?” she asked lightly.

He grinned. “Exactly.”

“I know. He told me. He said dating me was a sign of his willingness to grow up. I think it was more the whole ‘bad boy, good girl’ thing. Opposites attract and all that.”

“As a good girl, you had a thing for bad boys?”

Noelle hesitated. Something about this topic felt strange. Maybe it was discussing her dating habits with a man who’d just proposed, however businesslike he’d meant it.

“I was always curious,” she admitted. “But I’d never dated one until Jimmy.” She wrinkled her nose. “Everyone in high school knew who my father was, so guys were wary about messing with a pastor’s daughter. The guys who did ask me out were always well-behaved.” And she hadn’t minded. It had made life easy.

“Until Jimmy,” Dev said.

“Right.”

He moved from the desk to the chair next to hers. After pulling it around so it faced her, he sat down and reached for her hand.

“Noelle, I want you to seriously consider my offer. I could simply give you money, but you’re going to need more than that. I have a large house with plenty of room for you and the baby. If you’re married, you won’t have to deal with awkward questions.” He shrugged. “I don’t know what Jimmy told you about me, but I’m not such a bad guy. My vices are all pretty boring and I will take care of you and the baby. In a couple of years, or whenever you’re ready, we’ll divorce. You’ll be financially stable and no longer dealing with a newborn.”

She was as caught up in the fact that he was holding her hand as in what he was saying. His touch was gentle, yet firm. His skin warm. There was nothing sexual or romantic in the contact, but she was still very aware of him sitting so close to her.

She liked his determination. Her father had always said to look for a man who wouldn’t give up. He was—

Wait a minute, she thought. Was she seriously considering his proposal? Was she thinking she would marry a man she barely knew simply to take his name and his money?

“I’m not like that,” she said, pulling her hand free and standing. “I’m not mercenary.”

Dev rose as well. “No one is saying you are. Noelle, if Jimmy were still alive, wouldn’t you expect him to marry you?”

She didn’t want to answer that. In this century, in this society, who really got married because of a baby? But in her heart, she knew she would have expected it. And she would have accepted, despite any misgivings about the future of their relationship.

“But you’re not Jimmy.”

“Think of me as standing in for him. Doing what he would have done.”

Would Jimmy have married her? She honestly wasn’t sure.

“It’s two years,” Dev said. “Trust me, time moves quickly. Did your parents know you were dating Jimmy?”

“What?” The change in subject startled her. “Um, they knew I was seeing someone from work, but that’s all.”

“Then for all they know, it could be me.”

She blinked at him. Of course there had been times when she’d kept the truth from her parents, or squeaked around the actual facts, but to lie like this felt wrong on too many levels. Yet she was tempted.

The baby existed and she would have to deal with that. Dev was offering her a way to minimize the damage with her family, while allowing her to be a single mother and still pursue her dreams. It was almost too good to be true.

“What do you get out of all this?” she asked.

“Jimmy’s child gets the family name. I get to be a part of his or her life.”

“You can have both of those without marrying me.”

“I want to make this right,” he told her. “I can’t take back what was done, but I can do my best to help. You don’t know me, Noelle, but you’re going to have to trust me on that.”

She wasn’t sure much trust would be required. Devlin Hunter was the kind of man to get everything in writing. Which meant there would be paperwork.

“I don’t want what Jimmy would have inherited,” she said. “That’s too much.” Dev’s company, Hunter Manufacturing was a massive, multimillion dollar business. “Maybe some child support and a house.” She winced. Even that sounded too greedy. “Just the child support,” she amended. “Jimmy would have paid that anyway.”

Dev shoved his hands into his slacks pockets and smiled at her. “You’re saying yes.”

“Oh.” She turned the idea over in her mind. “I guess I am.” When had she decided this was what she wanted to do? Did it matter? Dev was right. Accepting his proposal made her life much easier.

She still wasn’t sure what he got out of the deal. Unless it was to be part of a family again, even for a little while. But was that even important to him?

“I don’t know you at all,” she said.

“We’ll change that,” he promised. “Let’s have dinner tonight. We can work out the logistics, set up a timetable and move forward.”

That made it sound as if they were closing a business deal rather than discussing a marriage. And when she thought about it, she realized it was true.

“All right,” she agreed. “Where do you want to meet?”

“My house.” He moved around the desk and grabbed a piece of paper. After writing the address, he handed it to her. “Six-thirty?”

She took the paper and nodded. “Okay. I guess I should, uh, get back to work.”

“You’re not due in for another couple of hours.”

“I know, but I’m already here.” She walked to the door, then glanced back at him. “Thanks for everything.”

“Thank you, Noelle,” he said. “Don’t worry more than you have to. We’ll get this worked out. Everything will be fine.”

She smiled and left. Fine? She was pregnant with her late boyfriend’s child, she had just agreed to temporary marriage with a man she didn’t know, for a bunch of reasons she couldn’t remember, and she had big plans to lie about the whole thing to her family.

Fine didn’t really cover it.

CHAPTER TWO

NOELLE LEFT WORK shortly before noon. She’d already put in more than her usual amount of hours and cleared out her in-basket, which felt good. She’d been efficient, determined and focused. It had been the only way to get through the hours. If she allowed herself to stop moving, she would think about what had happened that morning. She would think about being pregnant and Dev’s impossible proposal and she would lose it. Not something she wanted to do in front of all the women in the office.

So she kept a smile on her face and her mind on her work until she could escape to her car and drive home, where she knew she would find her mother. Funny how at nineteen, all she wanted was to run to her mom and be comforted. Maybe that need never went away. Yet in about eight months, she would have her own child to think about.

“Impossible,” Noelle murmured as she drove out of the Hunter Manufacturing parking lot. “The entire situation is impossible.”

How could she be pregnant? How could she consider marrying Devlin Hunter? While she couldn’t change the former, she could work the latter. She’d been crazy to accept his proposal. Taking the easy way out was never smart, she reminded herself. She’d jumped at what he’d offered because it smoothed things over, but she knew better. And that was why she was so determined to get home. Her mother always left the church office for a couple of hours in the middle of the day. They would sit down and Noelle would confess everything. Then her mother would tell her how to get out of her fake engagement with her boss.

Noelle knew that Dev would probably push back. He was that sort of man. But in time he would come to see that he could still be a part of his brother’s child’s life without going to the extreme of marrying her. While she would welcome child support, she wasn’t going to insist on it. Somehow she would get by.

“Hey, Mom,” she called as she walked in the back door of the two-story house she’d lived in since she was a kid. The place was old and a little run-down but homey and comfortable. She moved from the laundry room into the kitchen, where she found her mother sitting at the table.

“Hi, honey,” the older woman said with a smile that didn’t seem quite right. “I didn’t expect you home for lunch.”

“I got to work really early, so I finished early,” Noelle said as she took a seat and smiled at her mother. It was only then that she noticed the other woman seemed to be brushing away tears. “Mom? Are you all right.”

Her mother sighed. “I’m fine.” She sniffed. “Okay, I’m a little weepy, but it’s no big deal. Your father and I...” She swallowed. “We had a fight. We don’t do it very often, so we’re not good at it. Maybe we should take a class on the twenty-seven best ways to argue.”

Her attempt at humor fell flat. Noelle touched her arm. “We never hear you and Dad fight. You get crabby from time to time, but not real arguments. Is everything okay?”

“It’s fine. I told your father I’m tired of working in the church office. I want to do more. Meet other people. We’re so insulated.”

Noelle didn’t know what to say. Her mother loved working in the church office. At least that’s what she’d always said. For as long as Noelle could remember, her mother had talked about how lucky she was to work with great people and be part of a caring community.

“I thought it was what you wanted,” she said at last.

“Well, it’s not.” Fresh tears filled her mother’s eyes, then spilled down her cheeks. “Oh, I hate getting emotional. I need to do this. It’s important.”

“Why?” Noelle asked.

“Because... Because...” She drew in a breath, then shoved her hand into a pile of envelopes. “Because of these. Your father is so stubborn. He says the Lord will provide, and He does. Sort of. But there is also reality and helping one’s self. I’ve always had to be the practical one in the relationship and I don’t mind that. It’s just when he makes things more difficult...”

Noelle bit her lower lip, but didn’t say anything. Her mother had never talked to her like this before—as if she were an adult.

“There’s not enough money,” her mother said flatly. “There are too many bills. Your college hasn’t been very much and when you transfer to UC Riverside, we’ll be able to spring that, but Lily’s going to that private Christian university. Of course we’re delighted she was accepted and they will provide some financial aid, but still... Then there was her graduation car.”

A family tradition, Noelle thought, suddenly feeling guilty about the car she’d received the previous June when she’d graduated from high school.

“It adds up,” her mother said quietly.

Noelle looked at the stack of bills. The corner of one caught her eye. “Is this from the hospital?” she asked as she pulled that envelope from the pile. “From my accident?”

Her mother took the bill and tucked it under the others. “Don’t worry about it.”

Noelle stared at her. “But we have insurance.”

“It doesn’t cover everything. I’m making payments. Believe me, that’s the least of our financial problems.”

Noelle wasn’t so sure. “What about the physical therapy place? Are you still paying them?”

Her mother stood and crossed to the refrigerator. “What do you want for lunch? There’s some lunch meat. We could make sandwiches.”

Noelle felt her stomach tighten. She’d had no idea her parents were still paying for an accident that had happened nearly two years ago. How much had those bills been?

“Are you leaving your job in the church office to get a better-paying one?” she asked.

Her mother leaned against the counter. Jane had married at nineteen, given birth to her first daughter at twenty and had just turned forty the previous March. She looked much younger and strangers frequently expressed surprise that she could really have a daughter in college.

“The regular business not only pays more, the benefits will supplement the insurance we already have. I’ve been asking around and I have a couple of really good offers. I’m deciding which one to take. Unfortunately, your father sees this as some kind of defection.”

Noelle wasn’t so sure. “Maybe he’s just sad he can’t provide for his family the way he’d like.”

“That, too,” her mother admitted. “The male ego is a fragile organ.” She frowned. “But it’s not really an organ, is it? An instrument? An entity?” She gave a wry smile. “I don’t even know what the male ego is and yet it is currently dominating my life.”

“Daddy loves you. He wants you to be happy.”

“I am happy,” her mother said. “He’s the most wonderful man. I wouldn’t want to hurt him for anything. But we need to get a handle on the bills. Sometimes I think if there’s one more unexpected expense, I’m going to run screaming into the night.” She paused. “Is this too much, Noelle? I’m sorry. I probably shouldn’t be sharing this with you. It’s just lately you seem so grown-up and responsible. I feel as much like your friend as your mother.”

Noelle stood and crossed to her mother. “It’s fine,” she said. “I’m glad you can talk to me. Everyone needs to be able to talk to someone.”

They embraced. As her mother hugged her, Noelle fought tears of her own. Her secrets pressed upon her but she couldn’t say anything now. Her mom didn’t need one more thing to worry about.

“So—sandwiches?” her mother asked as she stepped back.

“Sounds great.”

They worked side by side, then sat down to have lunch. Noelle chatted about work and her friends and was careful not to say anything about being pregnant or the deal she’d made with Dev. Now that she understood the financial situation at home, there was no way she could add a baby to the mix. Not with Lily going off to college this fall and Summer graduating from high school next year. Her parents couldn’t possibly afford a baby and if Noelle tried to handle things on her own, they would only insist on helping.

She might not be happy about the deal Dev had offered, but right now it seemed the only way out.

* * *

“THANKS FOR MEETING me on such short notice,” Dev said as he walked into the office of Andrew Hart, his attorney for the past ten years. Andrew had been Dev’s grandfather’s attorney for several years before that, ever since the elder Hart had passed away. A Hart lawyer had handled Hunter business since the company began, shortly after the end of the Second World War.

Andrew motioned to a leather sofa against the wall and walked to a wet bar in the corner. “What can I get you?” he asked.

“Nothing for me.”

“All right.” Andrew took the club chair across from the sofa. “What can I do for you?”

“I’m getting married.”

Dev said the words aloud, but he had trouble believing them. Married. This time yesterday the biggest social event on his agenda had been thinking it was time to start dating again. He’d been between women for a few months and was feeling a definite itch. But any scratching was about to go on a very long hold, he thought grimly. Everything in his life would change as soon as he married Noelle.

“Congratulations,” Andrew said, sounding a little surprised. “I didn’t know you were seeing anyone seriously. I assume you want a prenuptial agreement.”

Andrew was several years older than Dev, but still a friend. Dev wasn’t about to keep the truth from him.

“Actually I want the opposite,” Dev said. “We’re only going to be married a couple of years. When we divorce, I want her to have an excellent settlement.”

Dev paused, then laughed when he saw Andrew’s shocked expression.

“I’m not crazy,” Dev added. “Nor am I marrying for the usual reasons.”

He explained about Noelle dating Jimmy and the subsequent pregnancy.

“No offense, but you are crazy,” his lawyer told him. “Give her some money. Set up a trust fund for the kid. You don’t have to marry the girl.”

“I want Jimmy’s son or daughter to have the family name,” Dev said stubbornly. “I want to make sure Noelle is taken care of. She’s not even twenty yet and her father’s a minister. It was her first time and Jimmy talked her into bed by claiming he wanted to marry her.”

“That was Jimmy, not you. As your attorney, I have to insist that you—”

Dev shook his head. “Talk to me as a friend, not an attorney.”

“Then I still think you’re crazy,” Andrew said with a sigh. “But I’m not even surprised you want to do this.”

“I’m doing what Jimmy would have done when he found out Noelle was pregnant.”

“As your friend,” Andrew said, “I doubt Jimmy would have been willing to go through with a quickie wedding.”

Dev agreed with Andrew, but Jimmy wasn’t here to prove either of them right or wrong. And Jimmy not being here was Dev’s fault.

Dev had tried to do the right thing where his brother was concerned. Had tried and obviously failed. The baby gave him a second chance.

“I would have insisted,” Dev said. “He would have married her. But he can’t, so I will. Besides, I need to be sure Noelle is capable of being a good mother and that she’s willing to take on the task. What better way to find that out than to observe her myself?”

“That’s what private detectives are for.” Andrew held up both hands. “I know I can’t talk you out of this, so I’ll draw up some paperwork.”

“The plan is for us to be married for two years, then divorce. I want her to have what Jimmy would have had.”

Andrew paled. “Half of everything? You’re giving her half of the business? It’s been in your family nearly sixty years. She’s not entitled to half of the company. Community property laws are clear on that.”

“Not ownership, but an income from the company. I also want a trust fund set up for the child. I’ll fund it now and let it grow. Child support, a house equivalent to mine, plus a monthly allowance for upkeep.”

Andrew swore. “Generous. I don’t usually have clients trying to give money away at the end of a marriage.”

“I do my best not to be ordinary.”

“You’re never that. I can have a draft ready in two days.”

“That’s fine. I don’t know when the wedding will be, but I’ll keep you informed.”

Andrew hesitated, then said, “Dev, are you sure? You don’t have to do this.”

“I want to. Jimmy’s child deserves this.” So did Jimmy, but his brother was no longer around. All Dev could do was wait for the baby to be born and hope things turned out differently. That this time he wouldn’t screw up.

* * *

RIVERSIDE HAD STARTED out as a rural community. It was only in the past few years that it had become yet another bedroom community for the ever-growing Los Angeles and Orange counties. But even fifty years ago, there had been those with money and they had built several beautiful neighborhoods with elegant houses situated on massive lots.

Noelle found herself driving through one of those neighborhoods on her way to Dev’s house. She’d never really been in this part of town before and she wasn’t used to seeing houses with gates and servant’s quarters and such incredible landscaping. If not for the directions she’d gotten off the computer, she would have been totally lost.

Five minutes before their appointed meeting, she turned into a long driveway, past open wrought-iron gates toward a sprawling one-story house.

The lawn was the kind of green that only comes when one doesn’t have to sweat the water bill. There were large, mature trees offering shady spots, and several pieces of sculpture for decoration. She saw a life-size casting of a boy and girl stretched out on a bench, each reading a book, and a young boy flying a bronze kite. In her neighborhood, lawn art tended toward pink flamingos, although a lot of people did put out seasonal wreaths or flags.

She parked, then stepped out of her car. The sweet scent of honeysuckle filled the air. The early evening was still and warm and quiet. This was a great place for kids, she thought, knowing she and her sisters would have loved the open spaces, although the elegant artwork would have been in danger of bodily harm.

She turned her attention to the one-story house and was grateful it didn’t rise above her in chateaulike splendor. It might go on for miles and miles inside, but with only one level she knew it couldn’t be too scary.

She walked up the stone steps and paused in front of a large, dark intimidating door. She hadn’t known what to wear for her meeting with Dev. She hadn’t wanted to be too casual, but this wasn’t a date. In the end, she’d chosen a simple, light blue dress with tiny flowers and, despite the heat, a white jacket she’d borrowed from Lily. But even wearing more makeup than usual and high-heeled sandals, she still felt she should pop around back and use the servants’ entrance.

Instead she knocked and waited until Dev opened the door.

“Noelle,” he said with a smile. “Thanks for coming.”

He motioned for her to enter the house, which she did, but speaking was out of the question.

She’d been so worried about what she was going to wear that she’d forgotten to think about what he might put on. Instead of the dark, elegant suits she was used to, he’d changed into jeans and a Hawaiian shirt. Okay, it was in muted colors and tucked in to show off his flat stomach, but it was still a Hawaiian shirt. There were flowers on it and lots of colors and he was her boss. Bosses like him didn’t wear flowers!

She did her best to distract herself by turning her attention to the entryway. The walls were cream-colored and the floor was a dark, highly polished hardwood. To her left she saw an elegant formal dining room. To her right, closed French doors leading to an office or study.

There were carved moldings around the ceiling and elegantly framed paintings and photographs on the wall.

“Your home is lovely,” she said, feeling both awkward and out of place.

“Thanks. I’m not taking any credit. My grandfather collected art and passed it on to me. My grandmother is responsible for all the antiques. The most I’ve done is to get a decorator in here to update a few of the rooms. But my idea of high-class is a jukebox and some sports posters.”

She doubted that, but appreciated his effort to make her feel comfortable. Not that she could ever imagine that happening.

He led the way into a family room dominated by a huge old Spanish-style fireplace. There were large overstuffed sofas and comfy looking chairs. A built-in case held plenty of electronics, but she didn’t see a television anywhere. She eyed the big painting over the fireplace and wondered if the TV was one of those expensive wall-mounted types, hiding behind art. If she knew Dev better, she would have asked, but as it was, she gingerly settled on the edge of a sofa cushion and wished she knew what to do with her hands.

“Do you want something to drink?” he asked. “Juice, soda, water?”

“Just water,” she said.

“Okay. Be right back.”

She jumped up to follow him, then sank onto the couch. Her heart pounded in her chest and her throat was so tight, she thought she might choke. If there had been any way out of the situation, she would have bolted for freedom. But all those doors seemed firmly closed, so she was simply going to have to figure out how to get through all this. Maybe in time things would get better.

He returned with a glass and a bottle of water. “Do you like Mexican food?” he asked.

She took everything and set it on the coffee table, then nodded. “Do you cook?”

He chuckled. “I make coffee and pour cereal in a bowl. This is from a great restaurant I’ve been going to for years. I picked up a little bit of everything, so you’ll have a choice.”

“Thank you.”

She couldn’t imagine ever eating again, what with the nerves dancing around in her stomach, but she could probably fake eating if she had to.

Dev sat at the other end of the sofa and faced her. “Noelle, I know this is a difficult situation for both of us. We’re strangers who have agreed to get married for the sake of a child who is probably smaller than a grape right now.”

The grape reference made her smile and some of her tension eased a little. At least he wasn’t acting like all this was normal. She also appreciated that he was willing to take charge. Right now she couldn’t imagine having to make a bunch of decisions about anything significant.

“So we’ll go slowly,” he continued. “We have some details to work out, and we’ll get to them, but maybe we should just talk first and get to know each other.”

“That’s a good idea.” She poured her water, then looked at the glass. “Only I have to tell you something first.”

She risked glancing at him. He was handsome, she thought, which was interesting but not really important to the matter at hand. Still, if she had to look at a stranger over breakfast for the next two years, Dev was a nice-looking one. He was also kind and obviously loved his brother. More good news.

He waited patiently while she gathered her thoughts. She half stood, then sank back onto the sofa.

“I was going to tell you I changed my mind,” she said, forcing herself to meet his dark gaze. “Nothing about this situation feels right to me. We’re not in love. As you just said, we don’t even know each other. While my pregnancy is a complication, it doesn’t seem like a big enough one for us to go through with this. I meant what I said before—that marriage is an important and sacred commitment and one I take very seriously.”

“You think I don’t?” he asked.

“I didn’t mean that, exactly,” she said, desperately wanting to look away but refusing to.

“I do take it seriously,” he told her. “I will honor our wedding vows, Noelle. This isn’t a game to me.”

“I didn’t think it was a game,” she said slowly, feeling that they were offtrack. She’d had a whole speech prepared and—

“It’s not as if I’ll be dating,” he said.

Dating? She hadn’t thought about that. He was a man who was used to being with women. Lots of different women. Maybe not at the same time, but still. She looked down and fought a blush.

“I didn’t think about that,” she admitted. “Your side of it. I... You’ve always had women in your life.” Didn’t he have to have those women for his needs? Weren’t men supposed to have needs? In theory women had needs, too, but based on that single night with Jimmy, she couldn’t imagine why they would want to acknowledge them.

“You’re asking about sex,” he said bluntly.

She swallowed, then nodded.

“I meant what I said,” he told her, using her words. “I’m not doing this to seduce you.”

She totally believed that. She wasn’t his type at all. But if he wasn’t going to sleep with her and he wasn’t going to date, what was he going to do? Two years was a long time. She couldn’t imagine him simply doing without.

But there was no way she could ask and they were completely off topic.

“I appreciate the no dating thing,” she said. “It would be difficult to explain. But that’s not what I wanted to talk about. I wanted to tell you that I’d changed my mind. That I wasn’t willing to go through with this. I went home to talk to my mom and get her to help me figure out how to say all that.”

She glanced at him and saw him watching her. There was no way she could tell what he was thinking, which was probably a good thing.

“What happened?” he asked.

Noelle explained about the job change and the stack of bills. “They’re still paying for my hospital stay and the physical therapy. I feel so horrible about that.”

“It’s not your fault,” he said. “You didn’t run into the tree on purpose.”

“I know, but guilt is such a time-honored tradition. Anyway, I realized I couldn’t burden them with another child. In a couple of years, I’ll be on my feet and they won’t have to worry about me.” She glanced down at her lap, then back at him. “I’m taking the easy way out. I wanted you to know that.”

Noelle spoke with a combination of shame and conviction Dev had never seen before. There had been no reason for her to confess all this to him. He wondered how much of her need to bare all came from her age and how much of it was who she was inside.

“This is me at my worst,” she continued. “If you can handle that, we’ll be fine.”

She couldn’t have found it easy to admit what she saw as her worst fault. How many other people would have been willing to be so honest? How many others would have simply taken what was offered?

Until this moment she’d been little more than the virgin Jimmy had knocked up. Suddenly she was a person, very possibly one he could respect.

“If this is as bad as it gets,” he said gently, “we won’t have any problem. Don’t worry, Noelle, I have more than my share of faults. They’re just not so easy to define.”

Her blue eyes widened slightly. “I’ve just admitted I’m using you. How can that be all right?”

“You’re agreeing to what I offered. There’s a difference. I know exactly what I want and I’m getting it the best way I know how. You’re not using me.”

“But...”

He shook his head. “We’re both going to come out ahead on this deal. You’ll get to spare your family the expense of the baby and the embarrassment of their oldest daughter being pregnant and unmarried. I get to take care of my brother’s child, be a part of his or her life and make sure the baby has the family name. It’s a fair trade.”

“Not for you,” she said stubbornly. “This is costing you a lot.”

“It’s only money.”

She stared at him. “How can you say that? It’s a lot of money.”

He shrugged. “Which I’ve always had. Giving some away isn’t very meaningful because I’ve never done without. I work for a living, but only because I chose to.”

“You say that as if you don’t like what you do and you don’t work hard. I’ve read the reports and you’ve doubled the size and the profits of the company since you took over. That doesn’t happen by chance.”

He was surprised she knew that. “My point is, I’ve never done without so I won’t miss what I give you. Don’t make me out to be a hero, Noelle. I’m getting everything I want at very little cost to me. Don’t forget that.”

* * *

THEY HAD DINNER in the kitchen. Noelle liked the round table next to the bay window and the view of the side yard, which was probably thirty or forty feet deep.

They shared fajitas, enchiladas, rice, beans and chips. Dev had a beer with the meal, but didn’t offer her one. She wasn’t surprised—not only was she underage, but she was now pregnant.

Pregnant—it didn’t seem possible. She didn’t feel any different. But she knew what had happened and her luck wasn’t good enough for the test to be wrong.

“We have a lot of logistics to work out,” he said. “But I think we’ve dealt with enough stress for tonight. Are you willing to put them off for a while?”

She nodded. No doubt his logistics were about things like living arrangements and when they would get married. She could go a long time without dealing with those.

“I don’t have any relatives,” he continued, “but I will have to meet your family.”

“I know,” she said with a sigh.

“You could try to be a little enthused,” he teased. “I don’t eat with my hands.”

She smiled. “I can see you have very nice manners. It’s not that. It’s just...everything. We’re all really close and I don’t know if I can fool them. I mean, they know I’ve been dating someone at work and my mom’s been bugging me to bring him around, but why would they believe you’re interested in me?”

He frowned. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

She shrugged, not willing to say out loud that she wasn’t all that special. “You’re different from the other guys I’ve dated.”

“Older, you mean.”

“Well, that, too.” She wondered if her parents could be tricked. “I’ll write up some information on my parents and sisters for you. Just a few notes so you can convince them we’ve been together for a while.”

“Good idea. I’ll do the same about myself. We’re going to have to act as if we’re in love.”

In love. He said the words so easily. She’d never said that to a man. How many times had he whispered the words to someone?

“What were you like growing up?” she asked instead of dealing with the love issue.

“I was a typical kid,” he said. “I liked sports, didn’t like school all that much, hated girls, had lots of friends.” He smiled. “I got over the girl thing.”

She smiled back. “I’ve heard.”

“My mom died when I was sixteen and Jimmy was six. That changed things.” His expression tightened. “My dad couldn’t handle the pressure, so he took off.”

“That’s so sad,” she said, not sure how any parent could abandon his children.

“My grandfather stepped in and he was great. So I did okay, but it was harder for Jimmy. There was the big age difference. We’d still been close until Dad left. Then we grew apart.” He took a drink. “Maybe he resented me taking over and being in charge. I don’t know. The older he got, the less we got along.”

Something about the way he told the story made her feel bad. As if he had regrets and they still hurt him. But before she could think of what to ask, the doorbell rang.

Dev glanced at his watch. “Right on time,” he said as he stood. “Come on. You’ll like this.”

She had no idea what he was talking about but she followed him into the foyer. He opened the door and shook hands with a small, older man carrying a wide briefcase.

“Noelle, this is Frank Gaston. He owns Gaston Jewelry.”

“Mr. Gaston,” she said, shaking hands with him.

Mr. Gaston smiled at her, then turned to Dev. “She’s very pretty. I hope you’ll be happy together.”

Dev smiled at her. “I’m sure we will be.” He led the way into the dining room and indicated that Mr. Gaston should put his case on the table.

“I asked Frank to bring over a selection of engagement rings. I thought this would be easier than going to a store together.” He moved next to her and lowered his voice. “Don’t worry. You don’t have to wear the ring until we’ve figured out how we’re going to tell your family.”

She nodded because speaking was impossible.

He was buying her an engagement ring? She’d only been pregnant since that morning. Okay, since she’d been with Jimmy, but she’d only known about it for fourteen hours. Everything was happening so quickly. She felt as if she were living her life on fast-forward. She wanted to slow things down and let her head stop spinning, but Mr. Gaston was already opening the case and asking her if she knew her ring size.

“Five, I think,” she said, fighting the urge to tuck her hands behind her back. If she didn’t accept a ring, maybe none of this would really happen.

But then Mr. Gaston held out a plain band to her and she found herself slipping it on her finger.

The band made it over her knuckle, but it was a tight fit.

“Five and a half,” the older man said.

As she watched, he shifted through trays of stunning diamond engagement rings. They sparkled and winked and seemed to all be very large and impressive.

He removed a single tray and set it on the table. “All these are the right size,” he said. “So, young lady. What do you like?”

There was nothing not to like, she thought, wishing she hadn’t tried so hard to eat a little dinner. The fajitas were sitting heavily in her now tense stomach.

Dev stood next to her. “Not your style?” he asked in a low voice.

“They’re lovely,” she whispered back, “but they seem very expensive.”

He chuckled, then kissed the top of her head. There was nothing romantic or sexual about the action, she thought, slightly stunned. It was something one would do to a favorite niece or cousin. Still, she felt comforted.

“Didn’t we already have the money talk?” he asked. “Come here.”

He took her hand and drew her to the table. She was so caught up in the feel of his warm, strong fingers touching hers that she didn’t pull back when he picked up an emerald-cut solitaire and slid it onto her finger.

She’d imagined this moment since she’d been a little girl. The soft lights, the romantic music, the love in her husband-to-be’s eyes as he slid the engagement ring on her finger. She’d never thought she would be in a strange house with a man she barely knew after agreeing to a two-year marriage of convenience while pregnant with another man’s child.

Her life was practically a reality show.

“Not this one,” she said, staring down at the stone. While it was beautiful, it seemed cold.

He took it off, but kept hold of her hand.

She let him, more aware of his touch than the rings. He picked up several different ones and put them back before finally taking a ring with a large center cushion-cut stone flanked by small baguettes.

“I think this one,” he said as he slid it on. “What do you think?”

The ring was amazing. Pretty and big, without being gaudy. It seemed to suit the shape of her hand and her fingers. Which was all good, but it was still the biggest diamond she’d ever seen in her life.

“Will your insurance cover this?” she asked.

He laughed, then touched his free hand to her chin, forcing her to look at him.

“Do you like it?” he asked.

She didn’t know what to say to that. How could anyone not like the ring?

“Can you stand to wear it?” he amended.

“Of course,” she said quickly. “I didn’t mean to imply—”

He cut her off with a shake of his head. “I know what you meant. Is this one okay?”

She nodded without looking at the ring. “You’re being very generous.”

“I know this is difficult,” he said quietly. “Whatever happens, I want you to be happy.”

She would never have imagined him saying something like that to her. For the first time since finding out she was pregnant, some of the fear faded and the future didn’t look quite so bleak.

“I want you to be happy, too,” she said.

“Good. Then we’re agreed.”

She wasn’t sure if he meant the happy thing or the ring. Either way, she had the thought that maybe the next two years weren’t going to be as difficult as she’d first imagined.

CHAPTER THREE

“WHY DOES THE yarn always hate me?” Crissy asked as once again her project quickly tangled into a complete mess.

Noelle did her best not to laugh at her friend’s distress. Crissy tried really hard in their knitting class, but it did seem as if she were always making a disaster instead of knitting the current project.

Crissy held up her two needles and the raggedy yarn falling off of one. “What am I doing wrong?” she asked, sounding both frustrated and near laughter.

Rachel leaned over and fingered the uneven stitches. “You’re not even casting on right,” she said. “Give it here. Let’s start over and see if we can get this going.”

Crissy handed over her needles, then winced as Rachel began unraveling everything.

Noelle carefully worked her needles, counting and making sure she kept up with the pattern. This was the first week of their intermediate class. They’d moved from simple squares and a shawl to a vest.

“Now cast on,” Rachel said, leaning over Crissy’s arm. “How many stitches do you want?”

Crissy looked at the pattern. “Twenty-five.”

She worked laboriously, then grinned when she’d finished that first row.

“Much better,” Rachel said.

Crissy beamed.

Noelle watched them, noting how Rachel’s dark hair and Crissy’s auburn curls looked against each other.

With everything else going on in her life, Noelle had almost decided not to take the class, but now that she was here with her friends, she was glad she’d come.

She’d met Crissy and Rachel four months ago, when all three of them had come for their first class. Rachel had learned to knit as a teenager but hadn’t picked up needles in years. Crissy and Noelle had been complete novices and totally uncoordinated. Lucky for them, Rachel had sat at their table and talked them through the first few lessons.

Soon they were meeting after class for a late dinner, as they did tonight. Noelle waited until they were seated in the small restaurant at the other end of the strip mall and had placed their orders before she spoke up.

“I have something to tell you,” she said.

Instantly both Rachel and Crissy looked at her. “You’ve been a little quiet,” Crissy said. “I’d wondered if something was up. Are you all right?”

Noelle nodded. She was close to her mom and her sisters, but sometimes she wanted relationships outside of her family. While she didn’t know how she was going to break the news of her pregnancy and marriage to her parents, telling her friends didn’t seem so scary.

“I’m going to have a baby,” she said.

Her friends stared at her.

“Not tonight,” Rachel said. “Because if you are, I need to know. I’m starving and I’ll eat fast.”

Noelle laughed. “Not tonight. In about eight months.”

Crissy’s green eyes widened. “Jimmy’s the father, isn’t he?” She reached across the table and touched Noelle’s arm. “You learned he’d died what, four weeks ago, and now you’re pregnant? Are you all right? Are you terrified? I’d be terrified.”

Under any other circumstances, the three of them would never have met and become friends. Crissy was thirty, the owner of a small chain of gyms for women. Rachel was twenty-five and a kindergarten teacher. Noelle was the baby of the group, but they never made her feel younger or out of place. Right now, with everything going on in her life, Noelle appreciated their support more than she could say.

“I’m still trying to figure out what I feel,” Noelle admitted. “Jimmy being gone sort of changes everything.”

“You have to tell the family,” Rachel said firmly. “They have the right to know a part of Jimmy lives on.”

Crissy wrinkled her nose. “But then they’ll get involved before Noelle knows what she wants to do. What if she wants to give the baby up for adoption? I mean that makes the most sense.” She turned to Noelle. “You’re still in college. There are so many deserving couples out there who would be fabulous parents.”

Rachel shook her head. “She’s not going to do that. Besides, the family has a right to know.” She looked at Noelle. “Didn’t you say Jimmy has a brother?”

“Yes. Devlin Hunter.”

“There you go,” Rachel said. “Maybe he wants to be a part of his late brother’s child’s life.”

“So some guy is going to raise Noelle’s baby?” Crissy asked. “I don’t think so.”

“I never thought of adoption,” Noelle admitted. There hadn’t been time. One second she’d seen the writing on the stick and the next, Dev knew, too. “But it’s not an issue. Jimmy’s brother knows about the baby and he wants us to get married. I wasn’t sure I would agree at first, but now I do. So we’re engaged.”

She thought about the diamond ring tucked in the back of her lingerie drawer. Should she have brought it to show them? Should she—

She realized both women were staring at her as if she’d suddenly morphed into a zebra. She’d thought the baby announcement had been shocking enough, but apparently this one was worse. Their eyes were wide, their mouths open.

Crissy recovered first. “Maybe you should start at the beginning,” she said.

Noelle explained about taking the test in Dev’s office and what had happened afterward. She left out the part about her parents being in debt. That wasn’t something she wanted to share.

She talked about how Dev had reacted and his proposal. As she told the story, she still found it difficult to believe this was happening.

“Are you insane?” Crissy asked, then winced. “Sorry. I didn’t mean that to come out so harshly. But are you insane?”

Rachel shook her head. “In a way, it makes sense. Dev is doing what his brother would have done.” She frowned. “Jimmy would have married you, right?”

“He said he wanted to,” Noelle said, although she wasn’t completely sure he would have come through.

“So it’s just one brother stepping in for the other,” Rachel said. “It could happen.”

“Not in my neighborhood,” Crissy said. “Weren’t you in love with Jimmy? How can you marry his brother?”

“It’s a marriage of convenience,” Rachel said. “All the rules are spelled out. This isn’t about being in love. It’s about doing the right thing. Dev wants to take care of Noelle and the baby. I think that’s great. They’ll always be family and be connected. Family is everything.”

As her friends continued to argue the point, Noelle realized she hadn’t thought of the fact that she and Dev would always be in each other’s lives in one way or another. The baby would bind them together the way children always bound parents together.

Parents. She had trouble thinking of herself that way, although for Dev, it was a familiar role. He’d raised Jimmy for years. Knowing he would know what he was doing made her feel better about marrying him.

He’d been great about everything. Kind and generous and patient. Okay, and gorgeous. Under other circumstances...

She mentally put on the brakes. What was she thinking? Dev wasn’t interested in anything but a business deal. Besides, what about Jimmy?

Had they been in love? She honestly didn’t know. She’d felt more strongly about him than she had about any other guy she’d dated. She’d cried when she’d heard he died and had missed him. But love? What did love feel like? How could anyone be sure?

Crissy smiled at her. “We just want you to be happy. And look at the bright side—no more first dates for a long time. That’s thrilling.”

Rachel nodded her agreement. “Is this what you want?”

Noelle thought about Dev and how he was willing to be there for her and the baby. How she would now be able to protect her parents from more financial burden and still pursue her nursing degree.

“I wouldn’t have chosen to get pregnant,” she admitted. “But if I had to then I’m glad Dev is willing to marry me and give the baby a name.”

“Then ‘yay’ Dev,” Rachel said. “Wouldn’t you know that the youngest of the group is the first to get married.”

Crissy looked at her. “Do you want to be married? You’ve never said anything.”

Rachel shrugged. “I wouldn’t mind a family of my own. I’ve always thought about that. What about you?”

Crissy shook her head. “I don’t get the whole kid thing. And giving birth? Way too many fluids.”

“I agree with the fluids,” Rachel said with a grin. “But what about a man to come home to?”

“That would require dating,” Crissy told her. “I don’t date. Especially first dates. They’re the worst. Besides, I have a cat. He’s more than enough. I have friends and a great life.”

Noelle laughed. “What about a really cute guy?”

“He’s a really cute cat. Seriously, I’m fine being single. I never had that burning need to bond with someone.”

Noelle wondered why. Didn’t everyone have a biological need to connect? She knew she’d always imagined herself getting married and having a family. Funny how now she was doing both, and neither felt especially real.

* * *

“THANKS FOR AGREEING to go from the office,” Noelle said. “I know you offered to go from my house, but I haven’t told my parents about you yet and...”

Her voice trailed off.

Dev glanced at her, then returned his attention to the road as he drove to the restaurant. “We were both at work. It’s fine.”

She was obviously nervous and he was willing to admit the situation was unusual.

“You’re being really nice about everything,” she said. “I’ll get better at this, I promise. I just need a little time.”

“We both need that,” he said, knowing it was true. “That’s why we’re having dinner—so we can work out the logistics. Decide when I’m going to meet your parents and what we’re going to say to them.”

She nodded.

She was sensible, he thought. He’d been watching her in the office and she seemed good at her job. Katherine said she was well-liked. Together, he thought, wondering what she’d seen in his brother.

On the heels of that came guilt. Guilt over what had happened to Jimmy and guilt for taking what his brother had lost—his girl and his baby. Something Jimmy—were he alive—wouldn’t understand. Of course, if Jimmy were alive, none of this would be an issue.

Dev reminded himself he didn’t want Noelle, he was simply doing the right thing. Still, he felt regret and wished Jimmy were here to be the one to marry her.

At the restaurant, he handed the keys to the valet and then walked around the car, put his hand on Noelle’s back and guided her into the restaurant. Once there, he gave his name to the hostess and they were shown to a quiet table in the corner.

“This place is very nice,” Noelle said with a smile as she was seated with her back to the main dining area. “I’ve heard about it, of course, but I’ve never eaten here.” She wrinkled her nose. “We don’t eat out that much and with my friends, we do more lunch kind of stuff.”

She accepted the menu the waiter offered. Dev reached out for his, but realized the young man wasn’t paying attention to him at all. Instead he seemed mesmerized by Noelle. It was only when the server had left that Dev looked at her, really looked, and saw her as others would. As a young woman rather than just the girl who had dated his brother.

She was pretty, he thought with some surprise. Her skin was smooth and pale, her eyes a dark blue. Long blond hair hung well past her shoulders. Her dress hugged full curves although he remembered a narrow waist and hips.

Her body got his attention and his body responded automatically. The sudden arousal and heat stunned him. What the hell? There was no way anything was going to happen between them. She was pregnant and his brother’s girl. What was wrong with him?

He focused on the menu and pushed all other thoughts from his mind, although a lingering heat remained. Noelle was nothing but someone in need. She was going to be like a sister to him. A much younger sister. There could never be anything between them.

Unfortunately his promise to keep his vows popped into his head just then and he mentally groaned at the thought of two years of celibacy. Two very long years. Yet the thought of cheating wasn’t appealing, either.

“Everything looks great,” Noelle said as she read the menu. “Are there any dishes you recommend?”

They talked about the menu until they ordered, then Dev leaned back in his chair. “I have some paperwork I want you to look over,” he told her. “My lawyer wrote up an agreement. It’s very straightforward and there aren’t any surprises. The details are as we discussed. The baby will have Hunter as his or her last name. There will be a trust set up for the child, along with child support and a monthly income for you. When we divorce, you will be able to buy a house. With real estate values going up so much, I didn’t set a specific value. Instead, I’ve specified the type and size.”

The waiter arrived with their drinks. Dev picked up his. “Your copy is in the car, along with a list of lawyers who are familiar with this kind of agreement and a letter saying I’ll pay for the consultation.” He leaned forward. “I’m serious about this, Noelle. Don’t take my word for what I’m telling you. Have someone knowledgeable look the document over and give you an opinion.”

The more he insisted on her getting her own legal advice, the more she felt she didn’t need it, Noelle thought. But she would do as he asked. It was smart and he was making it easy.

“I know you’re not trying to cheat me,” she said. “I’m not concerned.”

“You have no reason to trust me.”

That made her smile. “Dev, when you found out I was pregnant with your brother’s child, the first thing you did was propose. You never asked for a test to prove the baby was Jimmy’s, you didn’t accuse me of trying to trap him or you. I appreciate all that. You’re the kind of man who does the right thing. I respect your principles.”

He stiffened and she wondered what she’d said that was wrong. Before she could ask what, he said, “We need to discuss the wedding. I think sooner is better than later.”

As much as she didn’t want to admit it, he was right. It wasn’t as if she were getting any less pregnant by the day.

“Las Vegas is an option,” he continued. “It’s close and easy. Most of the hotels there will be happy to arrange the wedding. We could fly out on a Saturday morning and be back by midday Sunday.”

“That’s fast,” she murmured.

Las Vegas. She had an immediate picture of a tacky chapel and an Elvis impersonator performing the ceremony. A far cry from the large, elegant affair she’d always pictured for herself. She imagined her sisters as her bridesmaids and her father giving her away.

Dev surprised her by reaching across the table and touching her hand. “You’ll have your dream wedding next time,” he said.

How had he known what she was thinking? “Las Vegas is fine. It makes the most sense.”

His dark gaze settled on her face. “I thought we’d wait until we’d been married a few weeks before telling your family about the baby.”

She nodded slowly, liking the warmth of his fingers on hers. “That’s for the best. The wedding will be enough for them to take in at first.”

She didn’t want to think about how everyone would react. Her mother would be hurt to be excluded from such an important event and her father...her father would want to be sure she really loved Dev.

She didn’t know how she was going to get around that question, so she would have to do her best to avoid it.

So much to think about, she thought as their salads arrived. So much change so quickly.

“I thought it would be less complicated to tell your parents after the fact about the wedding,” he said. “When we get back, we can drive over and tell them it’s done. Then you’ll move into the house.”

Noelle put down her fork and stared at him. Of course she’d known that getting married meant living in the same house, but she hadn’t thought through the reality of moving into Dev’s home or moving out of her own.

“There are two guestrooms joined by a bathroom,” he continued. “That should work for you and the baby. I have a cleaning service that comes in once a week.”

She knew people hired them, but she didn’t know anyone who did. “I can clean the house,” she told him.

He smiled. “You don’t have to. The house is big, plus there’s the pool house. Besides, you’ll be busy with college and the baby. Your education is important, Noelle. I know getting pregnant screwed up your plan, but I want to make sure when we get divorced, you’re well on your way to achieving all you want.”

“I find it hard to talk about getting married and divorced in the same conversation,” she admitted. “I saw a couple of my friends yesterday and I’m going to ask you the same question they asked me. Are you crazy?”

“Not that I’m aware of, although I’ve heard the psychiatric patient is always the last to know. What are you worried about?”

She liked that he didn’t dismiss her concerns or try to convince her everything was fine.

“Nothing specific, just this isn’t anything I ever thought I’d do. I don’t know how I feel anymore. The baby isn’t real to me. I haven’t had any symptoms. Just what that stick told me.”

“Do you think the stick is wrong?”

She shook her head. “No, I’m guessing it’s right. We’re talking about getting married and I don’t even know how old you are.”

“Thirty.”

Okay. One question down, four thousand left. “What do you expect from me when we’re married? You have a cleaning service. Do I greet you at the door and ask you about your day? Have dinner ready? Is our marriage going to be more Brady Bunch or Married with Children?”

“How about The Simpsons? I think you’d look great with blue hair.”

She eyed him. The humor surprised her, but in a good way. “You don’t look anything like Homer.”

“I could try.”

“Please don’t.” Dev was handsome and elegant, in a James Bond sort of way.

“Noelle, we’ll make this relationship what we want it to be. I’d like us to be friends first. That’s going to take some time. If you want to cook, I won’t say no. I’m tired of take-out and frozen dinners. If you aren’t interested, that’s fine, too. I don’t have any rules.”

“But I like rules,” she told him. “I like things neatly defined.”

“An unexpected pregnancy has a way of changing the rules.”

She knew he was right. “What about decorating or entertaining?”

“You can change anything in the house except my study. I have the name of the designer I used. You can call her or pick someone else, or do it yourself. As for entertaining...” He hesitated. “Let’s get used to being married, first.”

“Okay.” She drew in a deep breath and tried to relax. “You know, you can change your mind about marrying me.”

He shook his head. “I’m committed to this, Noelle. Are you?”

Sometimes she felt she was doing the right thing and others she felt she was flirting with disaster. But she’d made up her mind and given her word and she was going to keep it.

“This is what I want,” she said.

“Then Marge and Homer Simpson it is.”

* * *

NOELLE CHECKED THE purchase order against the packing slip, then compared both with the bill from the supplier. Part of her job included random audits on all the departments. The computer would generate a list of purchases or sales every month and she would walk through the entire process to make sure everything was the way it was supposed to be. She then wrote up a report for Katherine, her boss, who passed it along to Dev.

In the past, she’d never much thought about him reading her findings or critiquing them. All her feedback came through Katherine. But now all that was different—at least on her end. Did Dev notice the e-mails that came from her? Did he think of her differently now?

Not that she would ask, she thought humorously. There were already enough awkward conversations without her throwing one more into the mix.

Katherine, a tall blonde in her late fifties, paused by Noelle’s desk. “If you have a minute, could I see you in my office?”

“Sure.” Noelle saved her work on the computer and followed her boss down the hallway.

Katherine’s office was next to Dev’s and while smaller, was still bright and beautifully decorated. The muted colors blended with the dark wood furniture. Had Noelle wanted to stay in business, she thought that Katherine would be the perfect role model. The woman had started out working in shipping and had risen to be second in command to the president of the company. Nothing happened at Hunter Manufacturing without Katherine knowing about it.

Noelle sat on the chair opposite the desk and waited. Katherine smiled at her.

“Dev’s gone this afternoon,” she began. “I’m telling you that so you won’t worry about him interrupting us or hearing our conversation.”

Okay, so they weren’t going to discuss Noelle’s performance. “All right.” Then she realized that Katherine and Dev had been working together for years and it was very likely he’d told her about the impending marriage.

Katherine confirmed her guess when she said, “I understand congratulations are in order.”

Noelle shifted in her seat. What on earth was she supposed to say? “I know it probably seems fast,” she mumbled. What would Katherine think of her?

But her boss’s eyes remained kind. “Life has a way of making things interesting. Still, I can’t tell you how sorry I am to lose you.”

“I’m not excited about quitting, either,” Noelle admitted. “But under the circumstances, it seemed best.” Being Dev’s assistant’s secretary would be more than a little awkward once the marriage took place.

Katherine studied her intently. “I knew you were dating Jimmy. He was an interesting young man. Dev put a lot of effort into his brother.” She paused. “Jimmy was fun, but not necessarily someone you would want to trust with your future. Dev is a good man. I’ve known him since he was a teenager. You can trust him, Noelle. I wanted to wish you the best and tell you that I hope you’ll consider the possibilities.”

Noelle didn’t know what to say. Had Katherine guessed some version of the truth? It sounded like it. Noelle was confident Dev wouldn’t say anything without telling her first.

“I agree Dev is a good man.” That fact made all of this possible.

“He deserves someone to love him. There have been...disappointments in his life.”

Disappointments? More than Jimmy’s death?

It occurred to Noelle that she knew very little about the man she would be marrying. He took responsibility, he was kind, but who was he really?

Katherine smiled. “I think the two of you will be very happy together.”

“Thank you,” Noelle murmured and found herself wishing that were possible.

* * *

UNDER NORMAL CIRCUMSTANCES, Dev would consider himself something of a catch. He had a career, owned a successful business and whoever married him would never want for money. He thought of himself as a good person at heart, although there were plenty of flaws. Still, he’d never had a problem attracting or keeping women around.

He’d also never dated a minister’s daughter before and wondered what, exactly, Noelle’s parents would make of him. He was a few years older, but that could be a plus. They didn’t know about the baby, so they wouldn’t be expecting a sudden wedding.

As he parked in front of the modest two-story home in the middle of a suburban neighborhood, he reminded himself that he was doing the right thing for the right reason. Somehow he would convince Noelle’s parents that they were made for each other.

At least he should have an easier time of it than Jimmy would have. His little brother had been every parent’s nightmare. Wild, hard-living and willing to do anything on a bet. Not a recipe for happiness.

An unexpected pang of loneliness startled him. Damn. He didn’t want to miss his brother, but it seemed that he didn’t have a choice. Just when he least expected it, he found himself wanting to tell Jimmy something. Like now. His brother would think the entire situation was a badass joke.

Or would he? Maybe Jimmy would resent Dev stepping in for him—taking what should have been his.

As he climbed from the car, Noelle burst out of the front of the house.

“You’re here,” she said as she approached.

“Did you doubt me?”

“I thought about running away,” she said with a smile that didn’t erase the fear in her eyes. “I can only imagine what you’ve been through.” She glanced back at the house. “Okay, everyone is here. It’s just a barbecue, right? No big deal. My parents are really nice. My sisters will try to torture you, but don’t let them. I’m pretty sure I’ve already told you everything you need to know.” She bit her lower lip. “Do you think we can fake them out? I don’t know if I can. I’ve never done anything like this before and I’m afraid I’ll throw up.”

She was the most honest woman he’d ever known, he thought humorously. No one else he’d ever dated would have confessed any of that—especially the throwing up part.

She looked pretty in a pale summer dress, with her long hair in a loose disarray of curls. Her eyes were dark with apprehension and her mouth trembled.

His gaze settled on her lips, and without thinking, he bent down and kissed her. The light touch was meant only to distract her, although he enjoyed the brief sensation of softness and heat, and wouldn’t mind repeating it. Not that he would.

Apparently it worked because confusion and shock replaced the fear.

“You kissed me,” she said as if she could barely believe it.

“Is that a problem?”

“What? No. It’s good, in case anyone was watching.”

“Now breathe and relax. We’ll be fine.”

Fine? Fine? Noelle could think of a lot of words, but fine wasn’t one of them. Devlin Hunter had kissed her. On the lips. And she’d liked it.

Oh, sure, it obviously hadn’t been significant, but still. Now he’d taken her hand in his and they were walking toward the house.

The handholding, like the kiss, didn’t mean anything. From what she’d seen so far, he was a man who liked to touch. That was good to know because when the baby came he or she was going to need a lot of physical contact. She liked that Dev wouldn’t be a standoffish father. The fact that his almost brotherly kiss had caused her brain to shut down was immaterial. And strange.

As they reached the front door, she had the sudden horrifying thought that there was the tiniest possibility that she was attracted to Dev. But she’d been dating Jimmy and was carrying Jimmy’s baby. And Dev was only doing this to take responsibility—something he did on a regular basis.

They had a very logical, well-thought-out agreement. There was no way she was going to muddle that by being attracted to him. It wasn’t right. It wasn’t what she wanted.

Just a fluke, she told herself. Nothing more. And as of this exact moment, it would never happen again.

CHAPTER FOUR

NOELLE HYPERVENTILATED ALL the way to the front door. She was nervous and scared and still wondering about the kiss. But before she could pick a dominant emotion, they were in the house, and Tiffany, the baby of the family and already annoying at fifteen, yelled, “Noelle’s boyfriend is here, Mom.”

Dev squeezed her fingers in reassurance. At least that’s what she thought it was. That or he was expecting her to bolt and he was doing his best to keep her in place.

Noelle led him through the living room, into the kitchen, where her mother stood chopping vegetables for a salad.

“Mom, this is Devlin Hunter,” Noelle said, then swallowed. “Dev, my mother. Jane Stevenson.”

“Mrs. Stevenson,” Dev said easily and offered her mother his right hand.

Noelle’s mother looked up. Her eyes widened slightly in shock, then she smiled and shook hands with him. “Nice to meet you, Dev. Welcome. Please call me Jane. I hope you like chicken and burgers.”

“Who doesn’t?” he asked easily.

Her mother glanced at Noelle. “Your father is in the yard. Go on and introduce Dev. Then you can come back and help me with the rest of the food.”

Noelle nodded and walked Dev through the kitchen and laundry room, then out into the backyard.

Her father stood by a large barbecue. He had on a ridiculous chef’s hat and an apron that said in bold green letters, “I’m Irish. Kiss the cook.”

“That doesn’t apply to you,” she murmured in Dev’s ear.

“Good to know. I have to draw a line somewhere.”

That made her laugh, so for a second she forgot to be terrified as she introduced Dev to her father.

“Daddy, this is Devlin Hunter. Dev, my father, Robert Stevenson.”

Dev released her hand and nodded at her father. “Sir.”

Her dad raised his eyebrows. “I like the sir part, but Bob is fine. Unless you’d like to call me Sir Bob.”

Dev grinned. “Is it important to you?”

“I can live without it.”

There was a large shriek from the edge of the pool. Noelle turned and saw eight or ten teenaged girls either in the pool or lying around it.

“My sisters,” she said with a sigh. “And some of their friends. I’ll bore you with them later.”

“Good idea,” her father told her. “Don’t frighten him off just yet. Let’s lull him into a false sense of security and then we’ll let the girls loose.” He glanced at Dev. “Want a beer?”

Dev’s surprise was obvious. Her father laughed.

“Yes, I can be a pastor and still drink beer.”

“Good to know. Whatever you’re having.”

Her father held up his can.

“I’ll get it,” Noelle said and hurried back inside the house.

She found her mother still making salad, but as soon as she entered the kitchen, her mother turned on her.

“You said you were dating a guy from work, Noelle. I thought you meant someone stocking shelves or something. He’s the president of the company.”

Her heart sank. Were they going to be found out so quickly.

“I know, but he’s—”

Her mother cut her off with a quick wave of her head. “I’m not complaining. He seems very nice and obviously he’s smart. He’s also well-off. I’m impressed.” Her mother laughed. “Oh, my. I sound like the mother in Pride and Prejudice, when she got so excited about someone having an income of four thousand a year.”

“He’s older,” Noelle said tentatively, not sure she was hearing correctly. Did her mother actually approve?

“There’s ten years between us.”

“I know. Maybe with one of your sisters I’d worry, but you’ve always been sensible and mature. I’m sure that comes from being the oldest. He won’t bore you like the boys your age.” She grinned again, then lowered her voice. “Don’t tell your father I said so, but he’s very good-looking.”

Noelle laughed. “Yes, he is,” she said as she looked out the window and saw Dev standing in conversation with her father. “Sexy, even.”

“Definitely sexy.”

She’d just been saying the words, but as she watched him laugh, she noticed the shape of his mouth and how broad his shoulders were. He wore yet another Hawaiian shirt tucked into khaki shorts, and his lean muscles were clearly displayed.

He was good-looking, she thought in surprise as she felt a faint tingle. And funny and charming and smart and pretty much everything she’d ever wanted. But not for her. Theirs was a marriage of convenience. She was carrying Jimmy’s baby. Having a relationship with his brother was wrong on so many levels. It wasn’t to be, she thought wistfully. Not ever.

* * *

DESPITE THE LARGE crowd of teenagers, everyone sat down together to eat. Instead of a table, they sprawled on the lawn in the shade of an old tree, even Noelle’s parents.

Dev found himself surrounded by her sisters and on the receiving end of some serious grilling.

“How long have you and Noelle been going out?” one of the sisters asked. They were all blond-haired, blue-eyed California types and there was no way he could tell them apart.

“Four months,” he said easily, remembering when Jimmy had first gone out with Noelle.

“Do you like how she kisses?” asked the one who was obviously the youngest.

“Tiffany,” Jane said in a warning voice to her daughter.

“It’s a legitimate question,” she said, then sighed. “Fine, what do you like about her? She’s bossy. Did she tell you that? She’s always getting on me to do my homework or clean up my mess in the bathroom.” She inched closer, then spoke in a whisper. “She goes crazy when I leave the sink dirty. Honestly, who really cares about that stuff?”

“I can hear you,” her mother said from across the lawn.

Tiffany sighed. “Fine.”

Dev glanced up and saw Noelle watching him. He winked at her and was pleased when she blushed and smiled.

“You like own the company, right?” one of the other sisters asked.

“It’s been in my family for many years,” Dev told her. “I inherited it from my father.”

“He’s rich,” she whispered to the sister sitting next to her. “Cool.”

Jane groaned. “Obviously I’ve failed miserably with these girls. I apologize, Dev.”

“No need.”

Compared to how he’d screwed up things with Jimmy, she’d been brilliant.

The questions continued, some easy, some more difficult, until the meal was finished. After everyone had tossed their paper plates into the big trash can by the garage, Noelle and her mother went into the kitchen for a couple of minutes, then returned with huge flats of fresh strawberries. Her father stood and faced everyone.

“It’s Sunday,” he said.

There was a collective groan from Noelle’s sisters, although their guests looked more expectant than unhappy. Dev wondered what significance the day of the week held.

Bob glanced at him. “On Sunday, we all talk about something unexpected that happened in our week and how it has changed us for the better. We’ll let you go later so you can see how it’s done.”

Dev looked at Noelle, who mouthed an apology. From her stricken expression he could tell she felt bad for not warning him about this.

He was sure he could come up with something. Noelle could win the prize for unexpected news, but he doubted she would be sharing information about her pregnancy or their engagement. So what would she say?

Bob cleared his throat. “I’ll go first.” He glanced at his wife, who—with Noelle—was slicing ripe strawberries into bowls and setting them out on the table.

“Jane came to me and told me she wanted to take a job outside the church office this week. At first I was angry. I thought she was turning her back on our responsibilities to our community.” He smiled slightly. “As I thought about the situation more, I realized my anger didn’t come from that at all. Jane has never walked away from anything that needed doing. So why was I so upset?”

He paused. “Eventually I realized I was upset because I would miss seeing her all the time. I’ve spent our marriage with the luxury of always being with the woman I love. I know being apart for a few hours a day is something I can endure, but knowing she won’t be there makes me appreciate the time we do have together.”

He raised his bottle of water toward his wife.

Jane smiled. “Thank you, honey.”

“You’re welcome.”

Tiffany groaned. “Please do not kiss. I beg you. It’s gross.”

One of her friends bumped her shoulder. “It’s not gross, it’s romantic. I wish my parents still kissed.”

Tiffany made a gagging noise.

Her father looked at her. “Maybe you’d like to go next.”

Tiffany sighed heavily, then stood and told about a book she’d read that had been on her summer reading list that she’d dreaded and how it had turned out to be really good. Now she knew that maybe she should give books a chance before deciding they were stupid.

And so it went. Even the friends of the sisters stood and talked about something unexpected in their day. Some of them spoke eagerly and Dev wondered if this was the only place they got any positive adult attention.

When it was Noelle’s turn, he wondered what she would say. She stood and smiled at him.

“My boss called me into her office this week,” she began. “I’ve talked about Katherine before. She’s great. I love working for her. Anyway, she knew Dev and I were, ah, dating.”

He hoped he was the only one who noticed the hesitation in her voice before she said the “d” word. He’d mentioned the engagement to Katherine, who hadn’t acted surprised. He wondered if she’d already figured out the truth.

“She told me that sometimes things happen in different ways than we expected and that we should be open to that. Then she told me that Dev is a good man and that I was lucky to have him in my life.”

All eyes shifted to him. He stared at Noelle, intrigued that Katherine had talked to her and that she had chosen that as her story.

“I already knew you were a good man,” she said with a smile, “but it was nice to have it confirmed by an outside source.”

Everyone laughed.

The next person spoke, but Dev kept his attention on Noelle. There were depths to her he hadn’t expected. So far all the discoveries were positive. If they’d met under different circumstances...but they hadn’t. Besides, Noelle was the type to believe in happily-ever-after and he thought romantic love was a crock. He’d seen what “love” had done to his mother.

It had killed her.

“Your turn,” Bob said a few minutes later.

Dev stood. “Noelle has talked about her family in glowing terms,” he said. “Mostly I thought it was just that—talk. But now that I’ve met you, I see she was modest in her praise. You are a true family and spending the day with you has given me an idea of what I want for my own family someday.”

He hadn’t planned what he was going to say and it revealed more than he would have liked. Still, it was true. He might not have a lot of faith in the love between a man and a woman but he believed in family. Maybe because his had never been what he wanted.

He saw Bob and Jane exchange a pleased glance, then look at Noelle. Obviously they approved of him for their daughter.

His gut tightened. Until that moment he hadn’t considered that doing the right thing meant deceiving two very decent people. What consequences would Noelle have to face later?

Still, there was no going back. Not with Jimmy’s child on the line.

* * *

THE FOLLOWING WEEKEND Noelle managed to ignore the reason for the plane trip right up until they stepped off the escalator in the massive baggage claim area and she saw a man in a suit holding a sign that said “Hunter.”

Then reality crashed in and she realized that she was hours away from being Mrs. Hunter.

Married. Was it possible? The need to scream built up inside of her, but before she could decide if she would give in or not, Dev walked over to the man.

“That’s us,” he said, motioning to the sign.

“Mr. Hunter,” the man said with a smile. “I’m Johnson. Do you have any luggage?”

Dev indicated the small wheeled bags they’d carried onto the plane. “This is it.”

“Very good, sir.”

Johnson took her bag and led the way to a large white limo. While the luggage was stowed, Dev opened the rear door and motioned for Noelle to climb in first.

She’d only been in one other limo. That had been a little over a year ago for her senior prom. She’d squeezed in with four other couples and had laughed the entire way to the hotel where the dance had been held. However she didn’t think that was something she should share with Dev.

Instead she sat on the pale leather seat and did her best to keep from passing out.

He glanced at her, then reached for her hand. “Breathe.”

“You tell me that a lot,” she murmured, once again aware of the warmth of his fingers against hers and how being close to him made her feel safe.

“You’ve been panicked a lot lately. We’re fine. We’ll get through this and then the worst will be over.”

She wasn’t sure about that. “I’ve never done anything like this before.”

He grinned. “Run off and get married? It’s a first for me, too.”

She smiled back at him. “It’s not just the running off. It’s everything else.”

“Piece of cake,” he told her. “Pretend it’s just a regular weekend. We’re here to have fun.”

“Regular weekend?” she asked with squeak. “We barely know each other and we’re getting married because I’m pregnant with your late brother’s child. I don’t know what you do for fun, but I tend to avoid situations like this.”

He leaned in and kissed her forehead. “You’ll be fine.”

She wanted to believe him, but wasn’t sure she could. She kept a hold of his hand and studied the sights as they drove from the airport to the Vegas Strip.

Traffic was slow and it took a long time to get down to the Bellagio. Noelle recognized the beautiful lake in front of the massive hotel from scenes in television and the movies.

“I’ve never been here,” she murmured.

“At the Bellagio or in Las Vegas?”

“Both.”

“I think you’ll like it.”

The limo pulled around to the main entrance. A uniformed man opened the rear door and Dev stepped out. He waited for her to join him, gave his name to the bellman, tipped the driver, then led her inside.

The first thing she noticed was a beautiful art glass ceiling. Everywhere she looked she saw glass flowers in a rainbow of colors. The detail was incredible, as was the sheer mass of flowers. From there Dev led her to a conservatory decorated in celebration of the upcoming Fourth of July holiday.

Paths crisscrossed between gardens and clever displays of flowers and patriotic arrangements.

“I love it!” she said with a grin. “This is amazing.”

“They know how to impress,” he said. “Come on.”

He led her through part of the casino. Gaming tables stretched out for what looked like miles. There were tons of slot machines and a level of noise that surprised her.

“So many people are gambling,” she said. “Where do they get the money?”

“It’s entertainment. Plus, everyone is hoping to get lucky and hit the big one.”

She’d brought ten dollars to gamble with. Somehow that didn’t seem enough to hit the big one.

They made their way to the VIP check-in. Dev offered a credit card and signed a form. While the uniformed man was processing their keys, Dev turned to her.

“I meant to give this to you before we left,” he said.

He handed her a credit card. She glanced down and saw it was in her name.

“Unless you buy an expensive car,” he said, “You can’t reach the spending limit. Use it however you want.”

The clerk handed over a small folder containing their room keys and gave instructions to the elevator.

“I don’t need this,” she whispered as they walked away from registration.

“Yes, you do,” he told her. “How are you going to buy groceries or get gas or pick up things for the house? What if you want clothes or shoes or a puppy?”

She blinked at him. “I couldn’t really handle a puppy right now.”

“I know.” He took her hand. “Noelle, we’re getting married. A credit card comes with the ring.”

She wasn’t sure she could ever be comfortable spending his money, but if she weren’t working it wasn’t as if she were going to be supporting herself.

“I don’t think I like this part,” she said in a low voice.

“Didn’t you read the paperwork? I promised to support you for the length of our marriage.”

“Reading it and living it are very different.”

He pushed the Up button for the elevator. “Hadn’t you planned on being a stay-at-home mother?”

“Eventually,” she admitted. “I’d thought I’d go back to work when the kids were in school, but for the first few years...” Her voice trailed off as she saw him looking at her. She sighed. “This is different.”

“No. It’s not.”

They stepped into the elevator.

“While we’re at the hotel, you can charge anything you’d like to the room,” he said. “Just give them the room number and your name. We’re both listed.”

While she pondered that, they arrived on their floor. She hadn’t paid attention to their room number, so she didn’t know which way to turn. Fortunately, he kept hold of her hand and she simply followed him down a lovely hallway.

Their hotel room had double doors. Dev opened the one on the right and she stepped into a massive sitting room that was probably the size of the whole downstairs of her parents’ house.

There was a round table big enough for six, a wet bar, two sitting areas and a television nearly as big as a movie screen.

“We’ll have to discover it all ourselves,” Dev said, putting down the keys on a marble entry table. “Usually the manager comes up and explains all the amenities, but I wasn’t sure you could take one more thing.”

She tried to smile in gratitude, but she was too shocked by everything. Who on earth would get a room like this and how much could it cost?

He crossed the room and pulled the sheers aside. “Come look.”

She moved next to him and saw they had a view of the lake, along with several of the hotels around them.

“We’ll be able to see the water show,” he said. “You’ll enjoy that. Come on.”

He led her across the sitting room and into the biggest bedroom she’d ever seen. There was a bed that could easily sleep five, a small sofa, a desk, floor-to-ceiling windows and carpeting so plush she nearly sank to her ankles. All of which was lovely, but then she saw both their suitcases on a bench at the foot of the bed and her throat tightened.

Were they sharing? Logically the bed was plenty big enough. And once they were married, it wasn’t as if she could refuse Dev. He would be her husband. Marriage of convenience or not, if he had expectations, she wasn’t sure she could in good conscience say no.

She could ask for time, though, right? That was reasonable. He would have to understand that under the circumstances she couldn’t be expected to—

He stepped in front of her, cupped her face in his hands and said, “Stop. Whatever you’re thinking, just stop.”

She stared at him. “How did you know?”

“The sudden look of panic on your face.” He dropped his hands. “Noelle, I meant what I said. We’re doing this for the baby. I’m not trying to seduce you. I know they left both our suitcases here, but the suite has a second bedroom where I’ll be sleeping.”

Relief made her knees nearly give way. “Really?”

He smiled. “I promise. Look, as we just discussed, neither of us has been married before. This is going to be a big change. We’ll take it slow, okay?”

She nodded.

He touched her chin. “Hey, I’ve never even lived with a woman before.”

Really? She found the thought comforting. “But you’ve gone away for weekends with them,” she said.

He shrugged. “Once or twice.”

She smiled. “More than that. You have a reputation, Mr. Hunter.”

“Really. And what would that be?”

“That you have had a string of incredibly beautiful, exotic women in your life.”

“Huh. I never knew anyone was paying attention.”

“They were.”

She stared into his amused eyes and felt some of her fear ease. Maybe this was the strangest situation she’d ever been in, but they were in it together and somehow that made things easier.

He stepped back. “We have a couple of hours until the wedding. Are you hungry?”

When he said the “w” word, all her fears and worries crashed into her. She nearly staggered from the impact.

“I can’t eat,” she told him, her stomach getting upset just at the thought of food.

“Okay. Why don’t you rest? We need to leave here about three-thirty.”

She glanced at her watch. “I’ll be ready.”

“Good.” He walked to the door, then glanced back at her. “You can still change your mind.”

She shook her head. “I want to do this,” she said, hoping she sounded confident and sure, instead of terrified. “I’ll be ready.”

* * *

DESPITE NOT HAVING slept in nearly three nights, resting was impossible, so Noelle alternatively paced the length of the beautiful bedroom and stared out at the incredible view. An hour before it was time to go, she plugged in her electric curlers, then checked her dress for wrinkles.

After curling her hair, she redid her makeup, then changed into a strapless bra. She’d found her dress at the outlet mall. It had been one of those great moments in shopping history—with the price marked down four different times and the dress landing under a “50 percent off on this rack only” sign.

The dress was white, with spaghetti straps and an asymmetrical hem. The top was fitted, the skirt full and there were tiny clear crystals angling across fabric.

She supposed it had been a prom dress that hadn’t found a home and while it wasn’t the dress she’d always imagined for her wedding, she felt pretty when she slipped it on and closed the side zipper.

After she finger-combed the curls and sprayed them until they practically crackled, she reached for the engagement ring she hadn’t worn since the night Dev had bought it for her. She hesitated, then slid it on her right hand. When the ceremony was over, she would put it on her left, in front of her wedding band.

Which, she suddenly thought, hadn’t been discussed.

Just then Dev knocked on the bedroom door. She crossed the cushy carpet, her high-heel sandals sinking in with each step.

“Hi,” she said as she opened the door. “I’m ready.”

He looked good in his tailored black suit. Very elegant and in charge.

He smiled. “You’re beautiful.”

“Thank you.” She clutched the tiny white satin evening bag she’d borrowed from Crissy. “Did you, um, think to get wedding bands?”

He patted his jacket pocket. “I have them right here. I picked out platinum, to match your engagement ring.”

Before she could say anything, he held out a small bouquet of white roses and starburst lilies.

“For the bride,” he told her.

She hadn’t expected flowers. Funny how they got to her more than the suite or the expensive engagement ring. Her eyes burned with unshed tears and she willed herself not to cry. Dev had been nothing but sweet and thoughtful. He didn’t deserve tears.

She thanked him and they walked to the elevator. The ride down passed with a blur. Suddenly they were in a small chapel and she was reciting that she would love and cherish Dev as long as they both shall live. She hesitated slightly before her “I do” knowing she was making a vow she had every intention of breaking. Then she whispered the words and it was over.

She was aware of someone taking their picture, then polite conversation with the officiate, followed by a quick ride back up to the room.

“Are you all right?” Dev asked as he inserted the key, then pushed opened the door.

“I’m fine.”

She didn’t feel any different than she had a half hour ago. Except for the slender platinum band nestled against her engagement ring, there wasn’t any proof that anything had changed. Yet she was now married. How was that possible? Shouldn’t she feel profoundly transformed?

“Did you eat last night?” he asked.

She turned her attention from her rings to the man she’d married. “What?”

“Let me rephrase that. When was the last time you ate?”

Food, like sleep, hadn’t seemed possible. “Thursday.”

“That can’t be good.”

He took her hand and led her toward the large dining table. It was only then she noticed the covered dishes, along with a bottle of champagne chilling in an ice bucket.

“I had a feeling you wouldn’t have eaten much,” he said. “So I ordered us an early dinner.”

He walked to the champagne and expertly popped the cork. After pouring some in two glasses, he handed her one. “I know you’re pregnant and only nineteen, but I thought you might want a sip on your wedding day.”

She stared at the bubbles rising in the narrow glass, then smiled at him. “Actually, I’m twenty. My birthday was last week.”

He frowned. “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize I missed it.”

Some of her tension eased as she laughed. “I really didn’t expect you to notice, Dev. It’s not a big deal.”

Had they been a real couple, she would have been hurt, but under the circumstances...not so much.

He raised his glass. “To your birthday, a few days late. And to us.”

She touched her glass to his, then took a sip.

While the bubbles tickled her tongue, the liquid had no taste. She didn’t think it was the champagne’s fault, either. At that moment, she doubted she could have tasted anything. She put down her glass and tried to ignore the trembling in her body. She was so tired, she thought. Tired and confused and not sure what he expected of her.

Noelle swayed slightly on her feet. Dev grabbed her arm.

“Are you all right?” he asked, wondering what the hell he would do if she collapsed.

“I’m okay. I haven’t been sleeping.”

Exhaustion darkened her eyes. Her skin was so pale, it was practically white.

“You want to go lie down?” he asked.

“I won’t sleep.”

“You might surprise yourself.” He spun her toward her room and gave her a push. “Go on.”

She turned back to him. “What about the dinner? You went to so much trouble.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

She bit her bottom lip as if not sure if she could do what she wanted instead of what she should. Then she raised herself on tiptoe, whispered, “Thank you,” and kissed him on the cheek.

Her lips lingered for half a second and in that moment he was stunned to find himself wanting to turn so that his mouth brushed hers. Only he wanted more than just a simple kiss. He wanted to claim her in a moment of passion that rocked them both.

The need shocked him into stepping back, although he was careful to keep his face expressionless. He gave her another little push and this time she walked into her bedroom and shut the door.

He stood alone in the center of the living room, with an open bottle of champagne and a romantic dinner for two. Ignoring both, he walked to the minibar and pulled out every container of Scotch.

Hell of a way to spend a wedding night, he thought as he opened the first bottle and swallowed the contents.

CHAPTER FIVE

NOELLE TWISTED HER new rings round and round on her finger. “I keep thinking I’ve reached the peak stomach-churning experience,” she said. “But then a new one crops up. Do you think we’re close to done?”

As she spoke, she glanced at Dev, who sat behind the wheel of the car and negotiated the streets that led to her parents’ house.

“Once we’re through with this, it should be easy,” he said.

“Except I have to tell them I’m pregnant.”

“Not for a few more weeks.”

“I know. I’ll try not to think about it.”

She was getting good at that—clearing her mind and living in the moment. After the wedding, she’d stretched out on the big bed, thinking she would never sleep. When next she’d surfaced, it had been after midnight and she’d still been in her white dress. She’d showered, washed off her makeup, then crawled into bed where she’d zonked out until nearly eight.

They’d shared a quiet breakfast in one of the cafes, then had flown home at noon. Now they were going by to tell her family the news and pick up several suitcases and return to his house.

Easy enough, as long as she didn’t actually think about doing any of it.

Before she’d figured out exactly what she was going to say to her parents, Dev pulled up in front of the house. Noelle got out, then smoothed the front of her cotton skirt and forced herself to smile as she led the way to the door.

“Hi, Mom,” she yelled as she entered.

Unlike the previous weekend, this time the house was quiet. All of her sisters were off with friends. But Noelle had called ahead and knew her parents were home.

“Hi, honey,” her mom said, stepping out of the kitchen. “Are you hungry? Did you want me to—” She spotted Dev. “Oh, hello. I didn’t know you were with Noelle today.” She smiled, then yelled. “Bob, Noelle and Dev are here.” She looked back at them. “Your father’s in his study. He preached from Romans today and you know how he gets.”

Noelle turned to Dev. “He goes over his sermons after he gives them and looks at ways he could have done things better.”

Her father walked down the hall toward them. “We didn’t expect to see you until later.” He held out his hand to Dev. “Good to see you again.”

“Thank you, sir.”

Dev glanced at her, which she knew was her cue. Noelle drew in a deep breath.

“Mom, Dad, I didn’t spend the night at Crissy’s last night. Dev and I flew to Las Vegas and got married.”

Both her parents stared at her in open-mouthed shock. She cleared her throat, then added, “I’m sorry I lied.”

Dev stepped into the uncomfortable silence. “It was all my idea,” he said quickly. “Please don’t blame your daughter. I was doing my best to sweep her off her feet and all the time she kept talking about how she didn’t want to disappoint you. I hope you’ll understand and lay the blame where it belongs.”

Noelle appreciated the support and the fact that Dev wasn’t technically lying about anything.

Her mother surfaced first. “Married?” she asked in a shaky voice. “One of my babies is married?”

Noelle held out the ring. Her mother glanced at it, then at Dev. “Okay, yeah, for that I might have married you, too.” She gave a laugh, then pulled Noelle close. “Is this what you want? Are you happy?”

Noelle was grateful that the tight hug meant her only response could be a nod.

Her father glared at Dev. “You’re sure about this? You’re prepared to take on the responsibility for my daughter?”

“Of course,” Dev said confidently. “Mr. Stevenson, I know how much your daughter means to you. I would never hurt her in any way. She will be taken care of and safe for as long as I draw breath.”

Noelle waited for her father’s response. Once again Dev had managed to speak the truth. She wondered if anyone would notice that he hadn’t promised to love her.

Her father continued to study Dev for a few more seconds, then held out his hand again. “Then welcome to the family.”

“Thank you, sir.”

The next few minutes passed in a blur. Her parents ushered them into the family room. Her mother produced lemonade and cookies, then wished they had champagne in the house.

“I didn’t think we’d need it so soon,” she said, touching Noelle’s hand. “Tell me everything about the wedding. I wish we could have been there. Oh, my. There are so many people to tell. We’ll have to have a party, won’t we, Bob? Maybe something in the garden.”

Dev listened to Jane Stevenson talk about the wedding. There were tears in her eyes as she realized all she’d missed of her oldest daughter’s big day. He felt bad for having to deceive her and her husband, but it was better this way. Better that they not know the truth about the baby. They were the sort of people who would insist on helping and he didn’t want to have to argue against their pride and love for their daughter.

Noelle was holding up better than he’d expected. She answered lots of questions about the Bellagio and even surprised him by admitting she’d already packed most of her things.

When they were finally ready to leave, he braced himself for a one-on-one with Noelle’s father. He figured he owed the man, so he wouldn’t try to duck out of the conversation. But instead it was Jane who cornered him as Noelle’s father loaded her luggage in the car.

“Please take care of my little girl,” she said, tears filling her eyes. “I know she’s the oldest, but I still think of her as my baby. My firstborn. Oh, Dev, I know you’re a good man, but this is difficult.”

He touched her arm. “I promise I’ll take care of her.”

She smiled through her tears. “I know she’ll never want for anything, which is lovely, but there’s so much more to a marriage than not worrying about bills. Noelle is special. I guess I don’t have to tell you that, but I’m going to, anyway. She’s smart and responsible and caring. And that’s what I worry about the most. Her heart.”

She paused and wiped away the single tear that had escaped. “She thinks she’s tough, but she bruises so easily. She leads with her heart. Be careful of that. Be tender.”

“I will,” he said, knowing it was a safe promise. Noelle’s heart didn’t enter into their agreement.

“As long as you love each other fully, you can get through anything,” Jane said. “That’s my best advice. Love each other.”

He nodded without speaking, then walked toward the car.

Love. Romantic love. He didn’t believe in it. Not anymore. He’d tried it once, while he’d been raising Jimmy, only the woman in question had refused to deal with a difficult teenager. He’d let her walk away because he hadn’t known how to keep her. The loss had devastated him.

Since then, he’d avoided the emotion and found he got along quite fine. Love was for the weak. He’d always been strong. Nothing about that was going to change.

* * *

SINCE DEV WAS able to carry about five times as much luggage as Noelle, they carried everything inside in two trips.

“I told you about the two bedrooms down here,” he said as he showed her a large, airy bedroom decorated in pale blue and beige. A queen-size bed sat against one wall, with a big armoire opposite. A long desk filled the space under the window.

“I ordered the desk last week and had it put here,” he said. “I thought you might like to look out while you studied.”

He’d done that for her? “Thank you,” she said as she glanced out at the beautiful yard. She could see flowers, a tree and one end of the pool. Talk about a great way to take a break. “It was very thoughtful.”

“You’re welcome. Bookcases,” he said, pointing to the ends of the desk.

She bent down and saw there was a good-sized bookcase at each end. On both sides of the comfy looking leather chair were deep file drawers.

The closet was equally impressive. A big walk-in had been finished by some expert who had put in angled shelves for shoes, straight shelves for folded items, pockets for purses, three sets of drawers and plenty of multilevel hanging space. The fixtures were a gleaming silver that looked great against the light wood.

She walked into the bathroom. There were two sinks and lots more storage space. The far door led into another nice bedroom with a queen-size bed and simple furniture.

“You’ll want to make changes,” he said. “To make this into a baby’s room. I’ll give you the name of my decorator. If you’d rather design it yourself, I have a handyman who will move furniture, paint, hang curtains, whatever. All that information is in my study.”

He left, apparently wanting to give her that stuff now. Noelle lingered for a second. A baby’s room. She tried to imagine the space filled with a crib and changing table, but nothing about this situation seemed real.

She found Dev in his study. He offered her a list of phone numbers, including his personal cell, work cell, private line, the decorator and anyone else he thought she might want to get in touch with.

There was also a leather box filled with an assortment of items. He went through them quickly.

“ATM card, checkbook. Extra key to my car. House key, alarm code. Everything is marked.”

“You’ve been busy,” she said, feeling her head start to spin. “All I had to do was pack up a few clothes.”

“This is your home now, Noelle.”

Was it? Technically, but she didn’t think she would feel totally comfortable in the beautiful space for a long time.

“So you’re saying I can put my feet up on the coffee table?” she asked.

“You can take a hammer to it, if you’d like.”

She winced. “Not my style, although I appreciate the offer.”

They smiled at each other. Okay, sure, this was weird and awkward, but Dev was doing his best to make things pleasant and easy. He’d been nothing but thoughtful from the moment he’d found out about the baby.

“You’re a really good guy,” she said. “Why aren’t you married?”

He grinned. “Actually, I am, Mrs. Hunter.”

“What? Oh. Me.”

“Forgotten already?”

She glanced down at her ring. Mrs. Hunter. Was that her? “Sort of.”

He put a hand on her shoulder. “You’ll get used to it.”

She nodded and started to say something, but the words got lost as she realized how much she wanted to step closer to him. Right now she could do with a good hug and one specifically from Dev. She wanted him to hold her next to him and tell her everything was going to be all right. She wanted to borrow strength from him and listen to his heartbeat and maybe have him...

What? What did she want? She swallowed as the truth uncoiled inside of her.

She wanted him to kiss her.

The thought was so unexpected, she actually took a step back. Kissing? There was no kissing in their relationship. Oh, sure. Slight, friendship-style kisses on the cheek. But not mouth to mouth, breath mingling, tongues touching, I-want-to-melt-into-you kissing. That was not allowed.

“You all right?” he asked.

“Fine,” she said in a squeak, then cleared her throat. “Thanks for all of this.” She motioned to the box. “I’ll, um, try not to go wild at the sales.”

“I’m not worried.” He hesitated, then said, “There’s something else you need to see. Under the circumstances...” He seemed at a loss for words, which was so not Dev. “Jimmy lived here, in the pool house. I’m having it redone into a game room, but before the workmen show up, I thought you might want to look around and see if there’s anything you’d like to keep for yourself or the baby. I’ve already taken a few things for myself.”

Jimmy. She hadn’t thought about him in days. He was the reason all this had happened and yet he’d practically vanished from her mind.

Guilt battled with her more practical nature. If she’d let him go so easily, apparently what she had felt wasn’t love. So what did love feel like and how would she know when it was real?

“If this is a bad time,” he began.

“No, it’s fine. I appreciate the offer.”

She followed him outside. The pool house was a big open room with a full bath at one end. A sofa sat in front of a large television. A bed had been pushed against the far wall.

Noelle looked at the sports posters on the walls and a few trophies on a shelf. She waited for a flood of emotion, but there wasn’t one. Just sadness for a young man who had died too early.

Several small model cars sat on a window sill. When she crossed to them, Dev said, “He always loved cars. By the time he was ten, he knew more about them than me.”

She picked up two cars, then fingered an Angels baseball cap before adding it to her collection. There weren’t any personal pictures and she didn’t think what looked like a year’s worth of Car and Driver would be considered significant. Then she spotted the yearbooks.

“You don’t want these for yourself?” she asked.

Dev shook his head.

She flipped through one and saw dozens of messages from friends. “I’ll keep these, too,” she said. “What people write often gives insight into a person. Jimmy’s son or daughter might like that.”

“Okay. I have a lot of pictures I was going to sort through. Once I figure out when they were taken, I’ll put them in order.”

“That would be nice.”

They returned to the house.

“I thought we’d order dinner in tonight,” he said. “Give you a chance to settle in.”

She nodded. “I’ll go to the grocery store tomorrow and cook dinner. Any requests?”

“You don’t have to cook.”

“I actually like cooking.” She put the items from Jimmy’s room on the kitchen counter. “My mom made sure we all knew what we were doing. I don’t get very fancy, but everything is eatable.”

“Then you pick. I can’t remember my last home-cooked meal, so I won’t be fussy.”

Interesting, she thought. So the slinky, exotic women didn’t cook. No doubt they had other talents.

“What time do you usually get home?”

“About six.”

“Then I’ll plan dinner for six-thirty.”

This was so strange—having this very domestic conversation with the man who had been, until recently, her boss.

“I’ll leave you to unpack, then,” he said. “Let me know if you need any help.”

“I will. Thanks.”

Dev retreated to his den. He had to find this as strange as she did. They were both being so polite. Would it get easier with time? Would they ever feel comfortable together?

Once again she thought that this was not the marriage she’d always imagined. However, it was the one she had. Instead of focusing on what she wanted to be different, maybe it was time to think about how lucky she was to be married to Dev and do what she could to make their two years together fun for both of them.

* * *

NOELLE HAD DECIDED on what her mother claimed was every man’s favorite—meatloaf and mashed potatoes—for her first home-cooked meal. She wasn’t sure of Dev’s vegetable preference, so she did a medley, along with a salad. There was strawberry shortcake for dessert and an assortment of ice-cream flavors in the freezer, in case he didn’t like the shortcake.

She’d shopped early, then had spent the rest of the morning getting to know Dev’s neighborhood and finding things like the closest dry cleaner and drugstore. After that, she’d been on her own. Alone. Completely alone.

She wasn’t used to having a house to herself. At her parents’ house, there was always someone around. But here...not so much.

She found herself waiting for Dev’s arrival with an eagerness that had a lot to do with finally having someone to talk to, but when he walked through the door to the garage, she wasn’t sure what to say.

Her parents usually came home together. On the rare nights they didn’t, her mother hugged and kissed her father. But that didn’t seem right. Smiling at Dev and asking about his day felt weird, as if she were in some play somewhere.

“Dinner will be ready in about ten minutes,” she said. “Do you usually change into something casual?” She motioned to his suit. “I mean, you have time. Or I can hold dinner.”

“I’ll change later.” He put his briefcase on the floor, leaning against the end of the cabinets and loosened his tie. “Settling in?”

She nodded. He looked good, she thought as he slipped off his jacket, then went to work, rolling up his shirtsleeves. A little wrinkled, but still handsome. She liked the way his stubble shaded his cheeks and jaw.

“I’ve found most of the necessities of life.”

“How are you feeling?” he asked, his gaze intense.

Feeling? What would she be... Oh. “You mean the baby.” She touched her stomach. “Honestly, I don’t feel anything. I don’t know when I’m supposed to start having symptoms and it’s not like I want to ask my mom. I did make a doctor’s appointment for a prenatal checkup.”

“Good. When is it?”

She told him.

“I’ll go with you,” he said. “We’re in this together, so I’m interested in information, too.”

Going with her? “You don’t have to.”

He smiled. “I want to be there through all of this.”

His words gave her a warm kind of glow in her tummy. “Okay. That would be nice. I’ll admit I was a little scared. Just because I’ve never done this before.”

“Me, either.”

She served dinner and they sat at the round table. Dev told her about what had happened at the office that day. When he was finished, she said, “I’ve signed up for summer school. I’m taking calculus.” She wrinkled her nose. “Math is not my thing, but it’s required, so I decided to get it out of the way in one intense, horrible six-week period. I go for three hours a day, four days a week. I start Monday.”

“That’s a lot of calculus.”

“I know. I don’t want to think about the homework, but I keep telling myself by the middle of August, it will be over.”

“This is excellent,” he said, cutting off another piece of meatloaf. “I’m now officially won over by your cooking, but don’t worry if you don’t have time once you’re in school. Getting your education should be your priority.”

“And the baby.”

“The baby won’t arrive until next year.”

She nodded. “I guess I’ll be due in early March.”

“So you can go to the fall semester and then take the spring semester off. And graduate the following January.”

She hadn’t thought that far ahead. “I like that. The baby will be what, six months old when I go back to college? Day care won’t be a problem. There’s a great program at our church. My mom will love being able to see her first grandbaby whenever she wants.”

Whoa—this was a little too much to be dealing with right now. “Speaking of my mom,” she said, deciding for her own peace of mind she needed to shift topics. “She called today. She still wants to do a big party, but that’s going to take some putting together. In the meantime, she would like to throw us a wedding shower. Probably just for girlfriends, if you don’t mind.”

His trapped expression cleared. “I think it’s a good idea. You and your friends will have fun.”

Typical guy, she thought with a smile. “But the thing is, we need to register. People are going to want to buy us gifts. I went through the kitchen and you already have everything. But there’s only one set of china, so maybe something for special occasions?”

“I don’t care about that kind of thing,” he said. “Noelle, pick out what you’d like to have. Then you can take it with you when this is over.”

The “this” being their marriage. “You’re not interested at all?” she asked, a little surprised by how disappointed she felt.

“You’ll have fun choosing things like china and sheets.”

Not by herself, she thought glumly. Maybe Rachel or Crissy would want to help. But that wasn’t the same as having Dev doing with it her. After all, he would be eating off the plates, too.

“I did have something I wanted to ask you,” he said, setting down his fork and looking at her. “I should have brought this up before. Do you want to speak to a grief counselor about Jimmy?”

He wouldn’t pick out china but he was offering her therapy? “I’m okay,” she told him.

“I can get you some names. I wasn’t sure, what with you having the baby and all.”

“Thank you.” She sipped her water. “I know Jimmy and I dated for a while and we, well, you know. He had talked about getting married and all, but...” She cleared her throat. “I don’t think we were really in love with each other.”

Dev stiffened in his chair. “We don’t have to talk about that,” he said gruffly.

He seemed uncomfortable. But why? Because she was being realistic about her relationship with his brother? Did that upset him? Did he want to believe they’d been madly in love? Or was he judging her for sleeping with a man without being sure she loved him?

“Dinner was great,” he said as he rose and carried his plate to the counter. “I brought some work home, so I’ll excuse myself.”

And with that, he was gone. She didn’t think she was going to see him again that evening.

Separate lives, she thought. That’s what they were living. While she hadn’t considered what their married lives would be like, she’d never thought she would be so...lonely. She felt lost in this big, beautiful house, living with a man who didn’t want to have much to do with her. Lost and alone and not sure what to do about it.

CHAPTER SIX

DEV ARRIVED HOME nearly two hours early to find loud music filling the house. He walked into the family room and saw Noelle sprawled across the sofa, a large text book propped up as she slowly flipped through the pages.

Instead of the conservatively dressed woman he’d seen last night, today his wife of less than a week wore a tank top and shorts. Her feet were bare, her hair piled up on top of her head in a ponytail and she was chewing gum. She was, he acknowledged wryly, a teenage boy’s dream. Which meant he had no excuse for what he was feeling—he was old enough to know better.

Still, the information didn’t seem to have any impact on the sudden rush of blood south or the desire to cross the room, pull her into his arms and kiss her senseless. He imagined her yielding and aroused, straining to get closer, reaching for him as they—

He forced the erotic images out of his mind. This was a marriage of practicality, he reminded himself. Nothing more. Besides, he’d been enough of an ass last night. He should take a break from that kind of behavior.

Pushing her to talk about Jimmy had been out of line and now that she’d admitted she didn’t think she and his brother had been in love, he, Dev, felt even more like a jerk. He’d only done it to find out if she was in mourning or not. Knowing she wasn’t overwhelmed by the loss of his brother meant, in a twisted way, that she was more available to him. Maybe he was the one who needed professional help.

He crossed to the CD player and turned down the volume. Noelle jumped. She sprang to her feet and the textbook hit the floor.

“Dev!” she said, obviously startled. “You’re home early.” She touched her hair, then fingered the hem of her tank top. “I’m not ready.”

“You live here,” he reminded her. “There’s nothing to get ready for.”

“Dinner,” she said as she folded her arms over her chest. “I was going to get changed.”

“You don’t have to for me. I think you look charming.”

She tried to smile, then failed. She reached up and pulled a band from her hair so that it tumbled loose around her shoulders.

The instant disarray was too sexy by far. Despite the steady hum of the air conditioner, he had the sudden need to unfasten his collar button and pull off his tie.

Instead he walked over to the large wrapped package he’d left by the entrance to the family room and held it out to her. “I brought you something.”

Her gaze locked on the box and her mouth curved into a wide grin. “Really? For me.”

She tucked her hands behind her back, as if to keep herself from lunging toward the present.

“I felt badly about missing your birthday,” he admitted. He started to apologize for the previous night, then stopped, not wanting to get into all that right now.

“You didn’t have to get me anything,” she said politely, even as she practically quivered in anticipation.

“You’re not very good at this,” he said, then set the package down on the coffee table. “You’re saying all the right things, but I can tell you want to jump on the box and rip it open.”

She looked at him and smiled. “I love surprises. I was always the first one up on Christmas morning. Even now, my parents have to set a time limit so I won’t be downstairs, shaking boxes at five in the morning.”

“No one is making you wait but you.”

“If you’re sure,” she said even as she dropped to her knees in front of the coffee table and tugged at the wrappings. In a matter of seconds, she had the box open and was staring down at the sleek, silver laptop computer he’d bought her.

Dev perched on the edge of the overstuffed chair. “It’s lightweight, so you can take it to classes, and wireless. We have wireless high-speed in the house, so you can be online just about anywhere. Even out by the pool.”

She opened the top and ran her fingers over the keyboard. “Right. Because everyone wants to do e-mail poolside.” She turned to him. “Dev, this is really, really nice. I don’t know what to say.”

He shrugged. “I didn’t think you had one already.”

“I don’t. It’s terrific. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. I thought later we could go online and register somewhere. You know, for gifts.”

Her eyes widened slightly and her lips parted, even though she didn’t speak.

“I know you were disappointed last night,” he admitted, feeling uncomfortable. “You surprised me. I hadn’t thought about things like showers and parties. I shouldn’t have left it all up to you.”

A warm, happy smile blossomed on her face. She left the laptop and shifted to him, crossing the few feet of area rug still on her knees. Then she put her hands on his thighs, leaned in and kissed him on the mouth.

“Thank you,” she said again. “In case no one has told you recently, you’re a pretty great guy.”

The soft pressure of her mouth lingered long after she’d pulled away. Desire exploded and he instinctively pulled away to help keep himself under control.

“Oh,” she breathed as she stood and took a step back. “Sorry. I was just saying thank you. I didn’t mean anything by...” She waved her hand vaguely in his direction.

Guilt ground into him. He swore silently. “Don’t apologize,” he told her gently. “We’re married. Kissing is allowed.”

“But you said you didn’t want that for us. It wasn’t part of the deal.”

Sex. She was talking about sex. Something he wasn’t going to experience again for a very long two years.

“I said I wasn’t marrying you to pressure you into sleeping with me,” he reminded her. “I didn’t want you to feel obligated. We’re living in the same house. We’re going to run into each other. We need to get comfortable with that, and with kissing. As far as the world’s concerned, we’re newlyweds. We have to act like it.”

“So my thank-you kiss was practice?” she asked.

There was something in her tone that made him wonder if she were holding in laughter. “If you want.”

She sighed. “There are very complicated rules here. It would help me a lot if we could get them in writing.”

He saw the humor in her gaze. “I’ll see what I can do,” he told her. “Maybe someone could stitch them in a pillow for us.”

“That would give our company something to talk about.”

He could only imagine.

Determined to make things right between them, he crossed to her, put his hands on her shoulders, then bent down and lightly brushed his mouth against her.

“You’re welcome,” he said. “Happy birthday a little late.”

This close he could see all the various colors of blue that made up her irises. Her lashes were surprisingly long and dark and there was a tiny freckle by the corner of her mouth.

He could hear the slight intake of air and feel the tension in her body. The very male part of him quickly pointed out that those were symptoms of a woman receptive to a man. That maybe, what with her not being wildly in love with Jimmy, she was open to getting involved with someone else—namely him.

Right—because he needed another disaster in his life. Noelle was wrong on so many levels. Most importantly, she was carrying his brother’s child. Whatever might have happened in the future, Jimmy had been involved with her when he died, and it was still Dev’s fault that his brother was dead.

“Thank you for my wonderful present,” she said as he lowered his hands to his side. “I made peanut butter cookies earlier. Would you like some?”

“Sure. They’re my favorite.”

She grinned. “Mine, too.”

She led the way into the kitchen.

Dev followed her and did his best to ignore the sway of her curved hips. Noelle was nothing like he’d imagined. She was a contradiction of terms. Still young and excited by presents, but mature and capable. Smart, funny and, as her mother had pointed out, not as tough as she thought. He would have to remember that. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt her.

* * *

“THIS PLACE IS HUGE,” Lily said on saturday morning as noelle led her through the house. “I’m so jealous.”

“No, you’re not,” Noelle told her. “You’d hate this. You like changing guys at least twice a month. I don’t think you’re going to be willing to settle down for years.”

“That’s true, but the house is great.”

“Dev picked a really terrific decorator,” Noelle said, having met the woman for the first time the previous week when she’d come to supervise the work on the pool house. “Some of the antiques belonged to his grandmother.”

When Lily had called and said she wanted to come by, Noelle had been torn between welcoming a familiar face and not being sure she could handle the stress. She’d dropped by the church office twice the previous week so she could see her parents and ward off any plans for a surprise visit.

Having someone from her family in the house meant making sure there were no personal items showing in her bedroom and putting a few things on the dresser in Dev’s room.

Complications, she thought as she and Lily finished their tour and headed out to the backyard to have snacks by the pool.

“If I just didn’t have to be married, I could get into this,” Lily said. She sipped her soda and reached for a tortilla chip from the bowl.

“Good thing you’re going to college. You’re going to need a really great job to support this lifestyle.”

Lily wrinkled her nose. “I know. I’m still trying to decide what to study. You’ve known since your accident. Are you still going to be a nurse?”

Noelle nodded. “I start summer school on Monday. Calculus.”

“Yuck,” Lily said. “But aren’t you supposed to be on your honeymoon?”

Whoops. Noelle thought fast. “This wasn’t a good time for Dev to be away from work,” she said with a casualness she didn’t feel. “The wedding was a little impulsive, so we couldn’t plan for stuff like that. We’ll go later.”

“Too bad. It would be great to be away on a beach somewhere with a good-looking guy. I wouldn’t say no to that.” She looked at her sister. “Okay, so tell me everything.”

Noelle blinked at her. “About...”

“You know.” Lily lowered her voice, then whispered, “Sex. Mom told us all kinds of things, but that’s just logistics. I want details. Is it scary? Wonderful? Is it like in books? Do you see stars or feel swept away?”

Noelle felt herself blush. “I am not having this conversation with you,” she said sternly. “It’s not appropriate.”

“I’m eighteen, and your sister. Come on. How am I supposed to find out about this if you won’t tell me? You wouldn’t want me experimenting just so I could know for myself,” Lily added slyly.

“You’re manipulating me,” Noelle said. “Forget it. I’m not going to talk about that. It’s too personal.”

In truth it wasn’t personal at all. She simply didn’t have anything to say. Her lone night with Jimmy had been a blur, first of pain, then of uncomfortable intimacy. In the few hours they’d been together, he’d entered her a number of times, but before she could figure out what he was doing or what was expected, it had been over.

Plus, he’d been so heavy when he collapsed on her. She’d felt trapped and embarrassed and frankly, she didn’t get why everyone made such a big deal about it.

Dev stood just inside the family room, the sliding door open, one foot on the patio. He’d been about to go out and greet his new sister-in-law, but given the current topic, he decided a timely retreat was far more intelligent.

“At least tell me if it hurt the first time,” Lily said. “I can’t get a straight answer on that.”

“It did,” Noelle admitted. “It’s a little awkward. I didn’t know where to put my arms and stuff.”

Lily winced. “But Dev made it okay, right? He talked you through everything.”

“Yes, Dev was very patient and...and he made me laugh so I stopped being embarrassed. He made it great.”

If he hadn’t known better, even he would have been convinced by her words. But he did know better. Noelle was saying all the right things to convince her sister.

He stepped back into the house and quietly closed the slider. If Jimmy had been the typical twenty-year-old, Noelle’s first and only night of passion probably hadn’t been anything she remembered fondly. He, Dev, hadn’t been anything great in bed at that age. He found himself wanting to apologize for something that wasn’t his fault.

Later, when Lily left, he found Noelle in the kitchen.

“Did you enjoy having your sister drop by?” he asked.

She looked up from the vegetables she was chopping and smiled. “She’s always fun.”

“I started to come out on the patio to join you, but I heard what you were talking about,” he said.

She frowned for a second, then blushed. “Oh. That.”

“Thanks for the compliment.”

Her mouth twisted in a half smile. “I had to say something. I couldn’t admit my first time had been with Jimmy.”

“Or that it hadn’t been very good.”

She set down the knife and looked at him. “How did you know?” she asked, sounding shocked. “Did he say anything? Did he tell you I was awful?”

“He didn’t say a word. He didn’t have to.” Dev leaned against the counter. “It comes with the territory. Most young guys aren’t great in bed. They haven’t had the time to develop any skills, nor are they especially interested in anything but getting laid.” He grinned sheepishly. “At twenty, it’s all about getting laid.”

She eyed him. “Even for you?”

“I wasn’t always this smooth.”

That made her smile. “Thanks for telling me. I wasn’t sure what to think... I didn’t hate it, but it was...”

“Fast?” he asked wryly.

“A little. It hurt. I didn’t bleed or anything, but there was a lot of pressure and stretching.” She ducked her head. “I couldn’t figure out where everything went and I wasn’t comfortable asking questions.”

Dev had never made love with a virgin, but he would guess her complete lack of experience would complicate an already difficult situation.

“Next time it will be better,” he told her, refusing to picture the moment with Noelle. “As men get older, they learn a few things.”

“Like?”

He shifted, not sure he wanted to get into this with her. Talking about sex made it too easy to imagine making love with her. He did his best to shut down that part of his brain. Unfortunately his body refused to cooperate.

“It takes longer.”

She made a face. “And that’s a good thing?”

He laughed. “Okay, let me start at the beginning. Once the need for volume fades a little, most men start to get interested in pleasing their partners. There are things a man can do to make a woman excited and passionate about the experience. Once that happens, then yes, lasting longer is a good thing.”

She didn’t look convinced. She opened her mouth, then closed it.

The smart move would be to end the conversation now...before he got too interested. But he liked Noelle too much to shut her down.

“If you can’t ask me, who are you going to ask?” He shrugged. “What do you want to know?”

She looked at him. “So women do really have orgasms?” she asked, as color climbed up her cheeks.

“Sure. There are different ways of making that happen.”

He had a sudden and powerful image of Noelle naked, her knees bent, legs pulled back as he kissed her intimately, his tongue swirling around the very heart of her arousal. He wanted to cross the kitchen, strip off her clothes and touch every part of her. He wanted to taste her and feel her quiver beneath him as she experienced her very first climax.

“How do you know it’s happening?” she asked.

This was the strangest conversation he’d ever had. “If you have to ask, it didn’t happen.”

Despite her obvious embarrassment, she smiled. “That’s not very helpful.” She sighed. “I’ll have to take your word for all this. I don’t want to say anything bad about Jimmy, but that one night wasn’t very thrilling. Given the choice, I’d never do that again. But if it could be different...”

He felt blood swelling in his groin at the thought of showing her the possibilities.

“You’ve been with a lot of women,” she said.

A dangerous statement, he thought as he remained carefully quiet.

“Did they all like the sex part?”

“Yes.”

“You can be sure?”

“Good question and my male ego says yes. To the best of my knowledge, they all did.”

“So you can tell when a woman, uh...” The blush had returned, more fiery than ever.

“There are...physical manifestations.”

She looked startled. “You can feel that with your...” She cleared her throat. “You can feel that?”

“Sometimes.”

He didn’t want to get into the fact that they were easier to feel with his fingers than his erection. That comment would only lead to a discussion on what his fingers would be doing inside of her.

“Maybe you could get a book or something,” he said, wishing he could think of a good way to change the subject. If they kept this topic up much longer, she was going to notice his arousal and God knows what questions would follow then.

Noelle was far more curious than he’d realized. With his luck, she would want to see and touch and then they’d been in real trouble.

“I don’t think I could go into a bookstore and buy something like that,” she said.

“That’s why we have the Internet.” He paused. “Okay, then. I’ll let you get back to what you were doing.” He hurried from the kitchen and wondered how long it had been since he’d felt such a need for a woman, and if a cold shower would be any help at all.

* * *

“SO,” CRISSY SAID with a grin. “You’re married. How’s that going?”

Noelle laughed, which was a mistake because three stitches slipped off her needles and when she tried to put them back, she pulled out half a row.

“Good,” she said. “I mean, we’re adjusting. Dev is great. He’s really considerate and sweet. He didn’t know it was my birthday and when he found out, he bought me a laptop.”

Rachel sighed. “I really like that in a man. Someone who respects a good appliance. So romantic.”

“I thought it was a great gift,” Noelle said defensively. “I can really use it at college and the one he picked is small and lightweight and has wireless Internet. This isn’t a regular marriage. I didn’t expect a romantic gift.”

Rachel raised her eyebrows as she looked at Crissy. “She seems to be very protective of the new Mr. Noelle.”

“I noticed that,” Crissy said. “Interesting.”

Noelle knew they were only teasing. “You’re just jealous.”

“A little,” Rachel said. “Although last year one of my students brought me a baby white mouse for my birthday. It was very touching.”

Crissy laughed. “I would have run screaming from the room, but that’s just moi.” She looked back at Noelle. “You’re really doing okay? No weirdness?”

“The entire situation is weird. Dev is really great, but we don’t know each other. I’m not sure what he expects from me or even what I expect from him. So far we’re being very polite.”

“Good manners are always helpful,” Crissy offered. “I’m in favor of them.”

“Well, he knows plenty. We’re both trying. He even suggested I talk to a grief counselor about Jimmy if I thought I should.” She put down her project and leaned forward. “I told him I was fine. The thing is, I don’t feel like I need one. I missed Jimmy a lot at first, and I felt horrible after he died, but I’m not spending much time missing him.” Not really any time, she thought glumly. “Is that natural? Am I an awful person?”

Rachel looked at her. “For the sake of humor, I want to say ‘yes,’ but as your friend, I’ll tell the truth. Of course not. You feel what you feel. You guys didn’t date that long. It was intense because he left and then came back. Noelle, you never promised to love him forever.”

“But I slept with him.”

Crissy sighed. “Honey, women have been messing up their lives by sleeping with the wrong guy for centuries. You did it, I did it, I’m sure Rachel will admit she’s done it.”

Rachel nodded.

“No one can be smart all the time,” Crissy continued. “Circumstances change. We change. You make the best decision you can at the time and let it go.”

“Like marrying Dev,” Rachel added. “He sounds like a great guy. He’s the closest thing to a biological father the baby is going to have so it really makes sense for you two to be together.”

What they said sounded logical, Noelle thought. “I do like him,” she admitted. “This entire situation could have been a nightmare, but he’s gone out of his way to make things easy. I thought...” She smiled. “I thought we’d have nothing in common. I dreaded evenings, wondering what we’d talk about, but it’s easy. We like a lot of the same kinds of movies and he loves peanut butter cookies, which are my favorite.”

He’d even been willing to talk about sex with her, although she wasn’t going to share that with her friends.

“Uh-oh,” Rachel said, glancing at Crissy. “I didn’t see this coming.”

“It was always a possibility,” Crissy told her. “Close proximity, a shared interest, being part of an exciting event. There’s a reason birth rates soar after a blackout.”

Noelle stared at her friends. “What are the two of you talking about?”

“You, honey,” Crissy said. “You’ve got it bad.”

“Got what?” Noelle asked, not sure she wanted to know.

“You’re falling for Dev,” Rachel said kindly. “You have all the signs.”

“What? No! I’m not. I just appreciate how great he is.”

“Him being great is how it starts,” Crissy said.

Noelle refused to believe they were right. She liked Dev—under the circumstances, who wouldn’t? But it didn’t mean anything.

“You’re totally wrong,” she said. “But even if you’re not, what’s the big deal? We’re married. Shouldn’t I at least like the guy?”

“Only if he likes you back,” Crissy said. “The two of you made some pretty specific ground rules. If only one of you is willing to break them, then heartache could be right around the corner. I’d hate to see that happen.”

“I won’t get hurt,” Noelle said. “I like the guy, but that’s not the same as falling in love with him.”

“Keep it that way,” Rachel said. “Love is tricky. Now if you’re talking about breaking the no-sex rule, that’s more interesting.”

Noelle hated that she could already feel herself blushing. She cleared her throat. “Speaking of that,” she said, trying to sound casual, “I’ve been thinking about us, you know, maybe...”

Rachel leaned forward. “Doing the wild thing?”

Noelle groaned. “Don’t say that. It’s just, Jimmy and I, well, it was just the one night and it wasn’t very, you know, good.”

“Now I feel about ninety years old,” Crissy said with a sigh. “I can barely remember my first time. Which isn’t important. Look, technically, you’re married. Of course you’re welcome to have sex with your husband. Just be careful. You already like him. If he dazzles you in bed, you won’t have a chance.”

“I don’t believe that,” Noelle said. “It’s just a bodily function.”

“It can be a lot more,” Rachel told her. “It can be an expression of love that touches every part of you. Crissy’s right. Take care of yourself.”

Noelle wasn’t sure she agreed with their advice. “I’m already pregnant. What’s the worst that could happen?”

CHAPTER SEVEN

(Beginning)

THE DOCTOR’S WAITING room was bright, with beautiful prints of mothers holding babies and happy toddlers with balloons or kittens. The seats were comfortable, the music, soft and inspiring. Still it took every ounce of willpower for Noelle to stay in the chair and not run screaming into the night. Or in this case, the early afternoon.

“You’re fidgeting,” Dev said as he flipped through a parenting magazine.

“I’m nervous. I can’t believe I’m here. I don’t feel pregnant. I guess the truth hasn’t sunk in. Plus, I’m terrified. I don’t want there to be anything wrong with the baby. But I’m not sure I even really get there is a baby. Still, I want him or her to be healthy and I know millions and millions of women have done this before, so what’s the big deal. It’s like the circle of life in The Lion King, right?”

Dev stared at her. “You’re quoting a cartoon?”

“One works with what one has.”

“I don’t know that I’d go with that, but okay.” He took her hand and gently squeezed her fingers. “I know you’re scared and this is all new. Just remember—you’re not in this alone, and yes, millions of other couples have gone through it, including our parents.”

“I know. When I finally tell my mom, she’ll be full of great advice. She had four babies in six years. Talk about a pro. She...” Noelle glanced at him. “You never talk about your parents.”

“There’s not that much to say,” he told her. “My mom died when I was sixteen. A previously undiagnosed heart condition. What she had isn’t genetic—it was just one of those things.” He hesitated. “My dad had never been the responsible parent. He lasted about six weeks after her death, then took off. I never knew why, but now, looking back, I think it was guilt.”

“About what?”

“How he treated her. She loved him more than I’d ever seen anyone love another person. She lived for him. She was great to Jimmy and me, but he had her heart. Everything changed the second he came home. Her smile was bright, her laughter easier. But he stayed gone a lot and when he wasn’t there, she moved around like a shadow or a ghost. They used to fight about that—about him staying away so much. He wasn’t one to take responsibility. He spent a lot of time hanging out with his friends and other people.”

Other people? “You think he had affairs?”

Dev shrugged. “Maybe. I saw him with someone once, but he said she was the wife of a friend and he was helping her shop for her husband. I was never sure I believed him. After my mother died, I told him I’d never forgive him for killing her.”

Noelle frowned. “You said it was a problem with her heart.”

“It was, but I think she was happy to go because she’d lived her whole life loving someone who wouldn’t love her back. Then he left—abandoned his family.”

Dev was the most logical, practical person she knew. For him to say his mother, in essence, died of a broken heart, shocked her.

Equally difficult for her was the fact that he’d lost both parents within a few weeks of each other. Whatever problems his father might have had, how could he have abandoned his two sons?

“My grandfather moved right into the house,” Dev said. “He was pushing seventy, but that didn’t stop him from doing all the things our dad had never done—like playing ball and coming to school games and stuff. He always had time for me.”

“He loved you,” she said, seeing the truth in Dev’s eyes.

“He was a good man.”

Just like Dev, she thought, knowing she didn’t ever have to worry about him walking out on her child. He was going to be there for both of them, no matter what.

* * *

WHEN DEV HAD been twelve, he’d fallen out of a tree and had broken his arm so badly that part of the bone had stuck through the skin. There’d been enough blood to float a ship and, despite the pain, he hadn’t felt the least bit woozy. But when he and Noelle left the doctor’s office nearly forty minutes later, he had a bad feeling he was seconds from passing out.

They were both laden down with brochures, a couple of books, prescriptions for vitamins, reading lists and notes.

“I have a due date,” she said as she walked beside him down the hallway. “That’s good.”

“Yes, it is.”

“And she said everything is fine, so that makes me happy. It won’t be long until we can hear a heartbeat. That’s exciting.”

“Very.”

He concentrated on his breathing, knowing that passing out now wouldn’t help anyone.

“Of course there’s a lot to think about. I’m going to have to change my diet a little. And get more exercise. I mean I exercise a lot, but it’s casual—not organized. I hadn’t thought of prenatal yoga. I don’t think I’m that bendy, but I could try.”

“Trying would be good.”

There was only the main reception area of the women’s center, then they would be in the parking lot. Despite the summer heat, he couldn’t wait to get outside and away from all this.

“Dev?”

“Yes?”

“Are you as scared as I am?”

He glanced at Noelle and saw terror in her blue eyes. Her mouth trembled and she looked as ready to bolt as he felt.

He stopped and faced her. “Too much information?”

“Oh, yeah. And those diagrams. One of my friends talked about the birthing process as having too many fluids and I have to say, I agree with her.”

Some of his tension eased as he smiled. “You only have to do it,” he said. “I may have to watch.”

“Oh, sure. Because watching is so much worse than passing something the size of a bowling ball through something else the size of a pea.”

His smile turned into a grin. “I’m not ready for this, either. I knew you were pregnant, but until this appointment...” He wasn’t sure how to explain.

“The baby wasn’t real.”

“Right.”

She sighed. “For me, either. It was a concept. Kind of like knowing the holidays are coming, but avoiding malls and shopping. A baby. There’s going to be a real baby. I’m not ready for this. At least you’ve done it before.”

“I haven’t had a baby. Jimmy was six when my mother died and then my grandfather took over. I’m only responsible for the last ten years of life.”

Which had been, Dev acknowledged, a total disaster. If only he’d handled things differently, Jimmy wouldn’t be dead right now.

“So neither of us knows what we’re doing,” she said as she started walking toward the foyer. “I hope no one tells the baby.”

As they walked toward the exit, he spotted a large open kiosk filled with different brochures.

“Maybe they have some information over there,” he said, turning in that direction.

“Or classes,” Noelle said. “We could take a class. That would be great. I helped my mom with Tiffany a lot, but I don’t remember very much of it.”

They each started grabbing brochures. Noelle spotted a clipboard.

“Here’s a parenting seminar for kids of all ages. Oh, look. The baby one’s starting in a couple of weeks. We could take that.”

“Sign me up,” Dev said, wanting to take all of them right now. He could still hear Jimmy yelling at him that he wasn’t his father, and then running out of the house.

Dev had tried, but his best had fallen way short of his brother’s needs. Even after the fact, looking back, he couldn’t figure out where he’d gone so wrong. He was determined not to repeat those mistakes with Noelle’s baby, but if he didn’t know what they were, how could he avoid them?

They left the center and headed toward the parking lot. Ten feet from Dev’s car, Noelle came to a stop and looked at him.

“I can’t do this,” she said frantically. “I mean I really can’t. I’m not ready to have a baby. I’m too young and inexperienced. I’m panicking. You need to talk me down.”

“I’m older and I’m panicked, too, so get in line.”

“What? But you’re so together.”

“Not about this,” he told her.

They stared at each other. Between them, they probably had every brochure ever printed on the subject of child birth and child rearing. They each had a couple of books, along with lists of resources.

She drew in a deep breath. “Okay, so we should probably calm down. The baby won’t be here for seven more months. We’re smart and capable. We can prepare.”

Her words made sense. “Plus it won’t expect much when it’s born. Food, clean diapers, a place to sleep.”

“Exactly. So we’re fine.”

They dropped their bags, brochures and lists into the trunk then got into the car. Before he started the engine, he glanced at her.

“How many classes did you sign us up for?” he asked.

“I think three. Maybe four. They’ll call to confirm.”

“There were three baby classes?”

She cleared her throat. “Well, no. One of them was for toddlers, but I thought...”

The panic faded and when it did, reason returned. One corner of his mouth twitched and he imagined what they must have looked like, frantically grabbing every brochure and stuffing them into bags.

“Good thing they don’t charge for the literature,” he said, fighting laughter.

Her eyes brightened with humor. “That would be some bill. I’d have to go back to work.”

“Or we could sell some furniture.”

They were both smiling now. She started to chuckle.

“Okay, I’ll admit it—I totally lost it. But you did, too.”

He held up both hands. “I agree. I am not ready to be a father.”

“Same here. The idea of a child using the ‘m’ word gives me the willies.”

He stared into her beautiful face and touched her cheek. “You’ll be a great mom. You have all the qualities.”

“Thanks. I feel the same way about you being a dad.”

Before he could tell her he’d already failed at that, she added, “If I had to totally freak out over this, I’m glad it was with you.”

“Me, too.”

There was something about her smile and the way she gazed at him. Something that drew him closer until, without planning the move, he pressed his mouth against hers.

The kiss started out simply enough. Just lips touching. He continued to stroke her cheek, but that was okay because he meant it to be a friendly, comforting gesture. Nothing about the action was supposed to be sexual.

Then she shifted closer and tilted her head slightly. The invitation was clear and irresistible. Fire exploded inside him, fueled by a need that he could barely contain.

Before he could tell himself he shouldn’t, he touched his tongue to her lower lip. Even as she put her hands on his shoulders, she parted for him.

Despite his growing desire, he moved slowly, wanting to give her time to back away, or at least give him a good hard slap. He traced the inside of her lower lip, feeling her smooth skin and tasting her sweetness. When she didn’t pull back, he gently touched the tip of her tongue with his.

Delicious, exquisite torture, Noelle thought as Dev leisurely deepened their kiss. If she’d been a little more sure of herself, she would have taken things into her own hands, so to speak, but this was their first real kiss and as he’d been the one to initiate it, she figured he could set the pace.

In a way, moving so slowly was good. It gave her time to explore his shoulders and back, to feel the lean muscles there, and the heat of his body. She could breathe in the scent of him and imagine what it would be like if they kept on kissing.

At last he swept into her mouth and claimed her. She sighed in appreciation as he explored her mouth, leaving behind excited tingling everywhere he touched. One of his hands dropped to her shoulder, the other settled on her waist where the weight was oddly unsettling. She had the oddest urge to move closer and maybe nudge his hand higher. She was so shocked to realize that she wanted his hand on her bare breast that she pulled back.

They stared at each other. His dark eyes were bright with a light she hadn’t seen before. Passion, she wondered. Did he desire her?

What was up with her body? She’d kissed before—lots of times. But she couldn’t recalling feeling quite so...melty afterward. And the breast thing? Where had that come from? Jimmy had been the first. It hadn’t been that big a deal. She’d never imagined feeling his fingers on her bare skin.

Just the thought made her break out in goose bumps. As she rubbed her bare arms she realized that the light was fading in Dev’s eyes. It was replaced by something that looked like concern...or worse...second thoughts.

He was going to apologize, she thought desperately. No. She couldn’t stand that. The kiss had been too good.

“I’m starved,” she said with a bright smile. “It’s nearly noon. Do you have time to grab lunch before you head back to work?”

He blinked at the change of topic. For a second she thought he was going to push forward and insist on discussing the kiss, but then he smiled.

“Sure. What are you in the mood for?”

* * *

A WEEK LATER, Noelle sat in dev’s study and pretended to review her calculus homework. He’d brought home a few reports he’d needed to look at before morning, so she’d joined him on the pretext of finishing up her homework.

In truth, she’d already finished, but she’d wanted to hang out with him and couldn’t think of another excuse. Something had changed between them, at least for her, and she was still trying to figure out what it was.

She could pinpoint the exact date everything had shifted—it had been the afternoon of her first doctor’s appointment. Sometimes she thought it was because he’d kissed her in a way she’d never been kissed before. Not that the style was all that different—it was more her own reaction that was keeping her up nights. Other times she told herself that while the kiss was nice, it didn’t mean all that much. The real bonding had occurred over their shared revelation that they were really having a baby together. That this situation was about more than logistics and details—that there would be another life involved.

They’d laughed together, panicked together and had found comfort in sharing the experience.

Whatever the cause, Dev was no longer just Jimmy’s older brother, the man who was being kind to her in desperate circumstances. He was his own person. Someone she liked and respected. Someone who could make her toes curl with a smile.

She had several dilemmas, she thought as she glanced up at him from her corner of his leather sofa. Had anything changed for him? Did he see her as only a problem to be solved, or was she a real person? She thought he liked her well enough, but she wanted more than that. She wanted him to find her sexy and attractive and exciting.

She sighed. She could rate attractive easily enough on a good day, but sexy and exciting weren’t words usually used around her.

There was also the age difference. She knew he was aware of it. So did he find her too young? She thought she was doing a good job of holding her own with him, but that was just from her perspective. So what did he think?

Her mother had always told her it was much better to ask than wonder, that being straightforward was the best way to make a relationship work. The advice seemed sound, but the thought of putting it into practice terrified her. Wishing and dreaming were totally safe. Acting was something else entirely.

What if he completely rejected her? What if he thought she was stupid? What if he laughed at her?

Dev looked up and caught her staring at him. He raised his dark eyebrows. “What?” he asked.

“Nothing.”

“It’s something. You were scowling.”

She grinned. “I do not scowl. It’s not ladylike and I was brought up to be a lady.”

“Fine. You were pensive. Want to tell me why?”

She bit down on her lower lip and wondered if she had the courage to be honest. Or at least semihonest. “I was wondering about the other women in your life.”

The eyebrows went a little higher and he leaned back in his chair. “I take it the calculus homework isn’t challenging enough to keep your brain occupied.”

“Not tonight.”

“And the most interesting topic you could come up with was the women in my life?”

“Uh-huh.”

“You need to get out more.”

She laughed. “Come on, Dev. We’re married. You can tell me.”

“One might think telling one’s wife was exactly the wrong thing to do. Besides, there aren’t any other women. I told you I would be faithful.”

A fact she was appreciating more and more. “I didn’t mean now,” she told him. “I meant before. There was only one serious relationship in my life and you know all about him. I think it’s only fair to share information.”

“Of course you do.” He frowned. “I knew Jimmy was your first time, but do you also consider him your first serious relationship?”

She thought about the question. “I think so. There were guys I liked and dated. I actually went out a lot in high school. But I never really fell in love. I think a lot of it was the guys I dated knew my dad and were concerned about doing the wrong thing. I was always aware of being the preacher’s daughter, as well. So I would kind of hold back and I think the guys did, too. So I guess that makes Jimmy my first serious relationship.”

And she hadn’t even been in love with him, she thought sadly. What did that say about her decision-making skills?

“How did you and Jimmy meet?” Dev asked.

“He was visiting work for some reason. I was in the lunch room and he walked in. We just started talking.” She thought about that first day. Jimmy had been good-looking, funny and, in some ways, more grown-up than the guys she was used to. “He didn’t know anything about me, which I liked. He asked me out and I said yes.”

Dev nodded slowly. “Jimmy always was a charmer with the ladies.”

She wrinkled her nose. “You’re saying I was one of many.”

“As far as I know, you’re the only one he talked about marrying.”

She nodded, as if the statement had significance. She wanted to believe it was true but... “Dev, is it possible he just said that to get me to sleep with him?”

“Why do you ask?”

“I don’t know. I’ve been wondering. Jimmy was a great guy, but until he decided to go into the military, he seemed scattered. He had a million ideas about what he wanted to do, but none of them made sense. He wasn’t a doer, really.” She paused. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t talk about him this way with you.”

“It’s fine. I’m aware of Jimmy’s faults.” He picked up a pen, then put it back on his desk. “You’re right. He was a dreamer.”

She noticed he didn’t answer her question—as to whether it was possible that Jimmy had just said he wanted to marry her to get her into bed. If he’d believed Jimmy really cared, he would have said so. Was he trying to protect his brother’s reputation or her?

Knowing Dev as she did, she thought it might be both. Maybe she should just go with that and not try to second guess the past. There was no way of knowing now.

“You never told me about the other women in your life, although changing the subject to Jimmy was a neat trick.”

“You like that? I could do it again.” He shifted in his seat. “What do you want to know? There’s nothing much to tell. I was a single guy who dated.”

“There’s more to it than that,” she said. “They were all beautiful.”

“You don’t know that.”

“I do. I saw a couple myself and Katherine told me.”

He groaned. “Great. My own staff turns on me.”

“We consider your personal life a hobby. You should be flattered.”

“Amazingly, I’m not.” He looked at her. “What else did she say?”

Noelle pretended to study her nails. “Nothing really. But we found it fascinating that you always chose exotic beauties. No milkmaids for you.”

He laughed. “Milkmaids?”

“You know—traditional looking. Blond hair, blue eyes.”

“Like you.”

She shrugged. “I could fall into the milkmaid category.”

“So you’d believe me if I told you that I thought you were beautiful, but you’d draw the line at exotic?”

He thought she was beautiful? Noelle wanted to stand up and cheer. Except he hadn’t said that, exactly. There’d been an “if” in that sentence.

“I’m no one’s definition of exotic,” she said. “I can live with that. So about these women.”

He closed his eyes. “I can’t believe you’re seriously interested in them. So why don’t you ask what you really want to know?”

Hmmm, there was a concept. She drew in a breath, squared her shoulders and blurted out, “What do you know that Jimmy didn’t? About sex, I mean.”

* * *

DEV HAD BRACED himself, but even so, the question caught him like a shot. He felt emotionally flung back in his seat and left for dead. Couldn’t she have just asked to buy new bedroom furniture?

He swore silently. This was not a conversation they should be having. He had an entire list of reasons as to why not. The most pressing was that he’d spent the last week doing his damnedest to avoid any remotely personal contact with Noelle. He’d been interested before, but kissing her had shown him there were plenty of possibilities and now they were driving him crazy.

He wanted her. He’d wanted other women before and kept trying to tell himself this was an itch that would fade with time. But whenever he got the need under control, he found himself catching sight of the curve of her cheek or the back of her thighs as she pranced around the house in shorts.

Worse, sometimes she got him by just talking. She would spout an opinion on some world event that surprised him, not only with her view, but with the facts she had to back it up. He’d caught her reading a science magazine two days after she’d admitting to having a weakness for celebrity gossip tabloids. How was he not supposed to adore that?

“You’re stalling,” she said.

“I’m considering my options.”

“Why is the question so difficult? It’s just information.”

He shook his head. “It’s more than that and you know it.” What to say? “What I know that Jimmy didn’t isn’t important. Just a few details.”

“Life is in the details,” she told him. “What are you afraid of?”

Going where he shouldn’t, he thought grimly. Wanting too much.

She glanced at the carpet, then back at him. “Dev, we’re married and we plan on staying married for the next two years. That’s kind of a long time. I know you had a...physical relationship with the other women in your life. It’s a natural part of life. While I appreciate your promise to be faithful for the time we’re married, I think you’re setting yourself up for a lot of unnecessary suffering.”

She raised her head and gazed directly at him. “I like to think we’re becoming friends, whch is an odd thing to say, considering the fact that we’re married, but this is an odd situation. I don’t want you to break your promise to be faithful and I don’t want you to do without. Can I be your wife in that way, too?”

* * * * *

Noelle has just put everything on the line by posing that question to Dev. Was it worth the risk? Find out in Circle of Friends Part 2!

ISBN-13: 9781488024597

Circle of Friends: Part 1 of 6

First published as Having Her Boss’s Baby

This edition published 2016

Copyright © 2006 by Susan Macias Redmond

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All characters in this book have no existence outside the imagination of the author and have no relation whatsoever to anyone bearing the same name or names. They are not even distantly inspired by any individual known or unknown to the author, and all incidents are pure invention.

This edition published by arrangement with Harlequin Books S.A.

® and ™ are trademarks of the publisher. Trademarks indicated with ® are registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office, the Canadian Intellectual Property Office and in other countries.

www.Harlequin.com

CIRCLE OF FRIENDS:
Part 2 of 6

Susan Mallery

Contents

CHAPTER SEVEN (Conclusion)

CHAPTER EIGHT

CHAPTER NINE

CHAPTER TEN

CHAPTER ELEVEN

CHAPTER TWELVE

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

EPILOGUE

What started as a marriage proposal for the sake of the baby is turning into something more for Noelle Stevenson. Getting pregnant was a surprise, but the bigger shock is her changing feelings for Dev. She was all for a two-year marriage of convenience, but when Dev kissed her, the game changed. Now she’s made him an offer she’s hoping he can’t refuse.

CHAPTER SEVEN

(Conclusion)

“Can I be your wife in that way, too?”

Dev Hunter heard the question Noelle just asked, but he couldn’t believe it. Sex, she was talking about them having sex. Theirs was a marriage of convenience, for the sake of the baby.

“I like to think we’re becoming friends, which is an odd thing to say, considering the fact that we’re married, but this is an odd situation. I don’t want you to break your promise to be faithful and I don’t want you to do without.”

She was supposed to be the innocent in all this—how the hell had she figured it all out?

“A generous offer, but not one you need to make,” Dev said gruffly.

“Really?” Noelle smiled. “So you’re just going to ignore that part of your life? It’s not like the need goes away. My parents have been married more than twenty years and they’re still hot for each other.” Her smile turned into a grin. “When I was a teenager, I was so uncomfortable, knowing they did that. I mean, they’re parents. But now I see their intimacy as a really good thing. It helps keep the relationship strong.”

He had no idea what to say to her.

Noelle pulled her knees to her chest. “I’ll admit my lone experience wasn’t anything I’d want to repeat, but you said it could be better and I trust you. So if you’re interested, I’m willing.”

There were two spots of color on her face, but otherwise she seemed completely calm and in control. Amazing, he thought, still stunned at her courage and honesty.

“Unless you don’t want me,” she added, as she ducked her head.

Not want her? “Noelle, don’t go there,” he told her. “Wanting has nothing to do with it.”

“Then it’s because I’m pregnant. Does that gross you out?”

That made him smile. Nothing about her “grossed him out.” She only had to be breathing for him to want her. “You being pregnant isn’t an issue.” He felt uncomfortable and wasn’t sure why. A beautiful woman was offering herself to him. Shouldn’t that be a good thing?

It was, except he wasn’t sure it was right for her. She’d only been with one guy and he’d been Dev’s brother. The situation was twisted in ways he couldn’t describe.

There was also his concern about what would happen after. If they did become lovers. The women he let into his life understood the rules—no permanent entanglements. Despite the two-year contract they had, he wasn’t sure Noelle could be his lover and walk away.

She stood. “I can see you’re not ready. That’s fine. I’ll wait. But the offer remains open.”

Then she walked out.

He was left with an aching need and no clue as to what to say. What the hell was wrong with this picture? What was he supposed to do now? Go after her? Pretend they’d never had this conversation? He’d been left hanging in the wind by a twenty-year-old innocent.

If this had happened to anyone else, he would think it was the funniest thing he’d ever seen.

CHAPTER EIGHT

DEV FOUND HIMSELF in the unusual position of being nervous about walking into his own house. Ever since he and Noelle had had what he thought of as the “sex talk,” he’d half expected to find her waiting for him wearing a big, red bow and nothing else.

While nearly every part of his brain and body would kill for such a thing to happen, the lone sensible cells still functioning pointed out that there were massive problems to be had should he and Noelle become lovers.

She was pregnant by his brother. She had neither the temperament nor the experience of his usual temporary women and might not fully understand the rules. This was supposed to be a sensible arrangement in the best interests of Noelle and the baby. He was confident there was no way to justify an intimate relationship as beneficial to either.

That said, he couldn’t help wanting her. Worse, the longer he knew her and learned more about who she was, the more he wanted her. He’d had relationships that started out with great promise only to fade into nothing very quickly. With Noelle, it was the opposite. He hadn’t had any expectations about her when they’d first made their arrangement, but the more he was around her, the more he admired and respected her.

Nearly a week after their uncomfortable conversation, he walked into the kitchen, once again braced for overt seduction or more questions, only to find her dancing in front of the stove, while a country song played on the radio.

Last night she’d been swaying to classical, the night before she’d been bebopping to music from the 1940s. Noelle had many qualities, but she was never boring.

“Hi,” she called when she saw him, then reached for the remote to the Bose system and turned down the volume. “Dinner will be ready in about ten minutes, if you want to go change.”

She smiled as she spoke, then crossed to where he stood, placed one hand on his shoulder and brushed her mouth against his.

The kiss was light, nearly impersonal and left him panting for more. Then she turned back to the stove.

“I’m making chicken Marsala. I found a bottle of Marsala in the pantry, which is good because I couldn’t buy it. This is my mom’s recipe and it’s fabulous, so I hope you’re hungry.”

He stood riveted to the floor. If he didn’t know better, he would swear he was being seduced by his own wife, who wasn’t even old enough to buy cooking wine.

“Starving,” he muttered, not quite meaning the food. “I’ll go get changed and be back in five minutes.”

“Good.” She beamed at him, then cranked up the volume on the radio and resumed her dancing in front of the stove.

An hour later, they’d finished dinner and cleaned up the kitchen together. That was their new pattern. He wasn’t sure when he’d decided to pitch in, but now every night he cleared the table and loaded the dishwasher while she wiped off the counters and the stove.

“Do you have homework?” he asked when they were finished.

She shook her head. “I’m all done for the day. I’m sure there will be more tomorrow. What about you? Anything from the office?”

“No,” he said, then wished he hadn’t. Time suddenly seemed to hang heavily on their hands.

“Then I have something I’d like to discuss.”

As she spoke, she led the way to the family room. Dev thought briefly about ducking into his office, but he refused to be intimidated by the thought of a personal conversation. As long as the topic wasn’t sex, he would be fine.

Noelle plopped onto the sofa, her long bare legs stretching out in front of her as she rested her heels on the coffee table. She wore shorts and a tank top, which left far too much skin bare. Her hair was loose, her toes painted pink and her smile just welcoming enough to make his blood heat.

“I’ve been thinking about what we talked about before,” she said when he’d settled at the far end of the sofa.

He held in a groan.

“Is it Jimmy?” she asked. “Because I was with him?”

He had the realization that she was never going to let the topic go. Apparently the only way to stop talking about why they weren’t having sex was to just go ahead and have it. Under any other circumstances, he would have given in.

“Jimmy is a factor,” he admitted. “I still think of you as Jimmy’s girl.”

She nodded slowly. “I think if he hadn’t died, you would have been more comfortable letting that relationship go. As it is, I’m the last person you know who was close to him. If you change that by getting close to me yourself, you lose that connection.”

Her insights surprised him. “I hadn’t put the concept into words, but you’re right.”

“So if you were to get involved with me, you’d be hurting your brother,” she said.

He hesitated. He could sense danger down this conversational path, even though he couldn’t see it. “I wouldn’t say hurting,” he told her. “The situation raises some questions.”

“You know I’m not in love with him,” she said.

He swore silently. “Yes, I know. Neither of us know what would have happened if Jimmy hadn’t died.”

He knew he would have forced his kid brother to do the right thing and marry Noelle, but he had his doubts about how long the relationship would have lasted.

She sighed. “This must be so hard for you,” she said. “I only knew Jimmy a few months, but he’s been a part of your world for twenty years. You’re dealing with his loss and my pregnancy and me. I don’t mean to pressure you, Dev. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Considering the circumstances, I think we’re doing really well.”

“I do, too,” he said. “And you’re not making me uncomfortable.”

She smiled. “Good to know.” Her smile faded. “On the intimacy thing, I like you. I’ll admit to some curiosity. Your reputation precedes you, which is intriguing. Honestly, your idea of being faithful and celibate for the next two years is really noble, but not very practical. I hate the thought of you suffering because you feel it’s the right thing to do. I wouldn’t normally be pushing on something like this, but there is a time factor. I’ll be showing soon and I’m not sure we need my growing pregnancy as a complication.”

Honest to God, he didn’t know what to say. Even as a blush stole up Noelle’s cheeks, she kept her gaze fixed firmly on his face. She might be embarrassed, but she wasn’t backing down. How was that possible?

As for responding to her statement/offer—how? Of course he hated the idea of doing without for so long. Of course he was tempted by her words, her body and everything else about her. He had a feeling he could be beaten and left for dead on the side of the road and he would still want her.

But there were things to consider. Her innocence and the circumstances. Unfortunately, blood was heading south, leaving his brain in a deficient state, his cognitive abilities fading fast.

“I just...” He cleared his throat. “There are complications already,” he muttered as he rose. “You’re going to have to trust me on that. I, ah, I have some work I need to deal with.”

And with that pitiful excuse, he left the room.

* * *

NOELLE WAITED TWO more days before making her move. She told herself it was to give Dev time to figure everything out on his own, but in truth, she needed to think things through and gather her courage.

The entire situation was outside of her comfort zone, not to mention her experience level. Maybe she should just let it go. But a little voice in her head said that if she wanted to make her relationship with Dev stronger, this was what they needed. Making love would bond them and they would need that connection when the baby came.

There was also a part of her that was wildly curious about those differences he’d talked about and the things he knew that Jimmy hadn’t. How would the experience be with him? How would he touch her and hold her and kiss her?

They’d already had that one great experience in the car. She’d found herself melting in his embrace and that was just a kiss. What would happen if things got serious?

She asked the question as she stood in front of her dresser and considered her seduction options. Because that’s what she’d decided to do—seduce her husband.

She’d scanned a couple of books on the subject in the bookstore, secretively pulling the volumes from their proper place, then darting over to the classic literature corner where she could read in peace. Of course she hadn’t totally been able to concentrate, what with her guilt and embarrassment on the subject.

To make up for that, she’d spent twice as much money on several cookbooks and then had ducked back to her car, hoping no one had seen her.

Now she was armed with a little information and a lot of questions, along with a vague idea of how to seduce a man. Unfortunately she didn’t have any practical experience to add to the mix.

One of the books suggested showing up naked in bed. Noelle knew that the earth’s rotation would have to change direction before she had the courage to try that. But the showing up in bed part of the idea had some merit. Somehow slipping between Dev’s sheets and waiting silently seemed a whole lot easier than talking about what she was trying to do. Her mother had always told her, when in doubt, try the direct approach. Not that her mother had ever imagined a situation like this, Noelle was sure.

Okay, so she would boldly climb into his bed...while he was in the bathroom, of course. She didn’t want him to know she was there until it was too late.

That problem solved, she turned to the next pressing issue—what to wear. She didn’t have any sexy lingerie. While she had a couple of cute sets of summer pj’s, she wasn’t sure they set the right tone. Which left her with one short, pale pink nightgown. It was sleeveless and covered in tiny white flowers and came to the middle of her thigh.

She undressed, then pulled on the nightie. Next she brushed her hair, then her teeth, then changed into a pair of high-cut bikini panties instead of her regular bikini panties. After that, she ran out of things to do, so she left her bedroom and walked down the hall to the master suite.

She could hear the shower running in the bathroom so she stepped into the quiet, darkened room and headed directly for the bed.

Dev had already pulled off the heavy bedspread. The TV in the armoire was tuned to a twenty-four-hour news channel. She found the remote and turned off the TV, then faced the bed.

It was huge and high and her stomach flipped over as she stood there staring at the vast expanse of mattress. Could she really do this?

Her courage nearly failed her, but she forced herself to move steadily forward until she could put her hands on the smooth sheets. It was now or never, she thought, wishing she had more experience or was more convinced that Dev really wanted to make love with her.

Maybe he’d turned down all her offers because he didn’t find her sexy enough. Maybe the pregnancy thing, or the fact that she’d slept with his brother, freaked him out more than he wanted to admit. Maybe that incredible kiss in the car had been about guilt or pity or...

She’d been so caught up in her worrying, that she hadn’t heard the water turn off or heard Dev get out of the shower and dry off. But he must have because she heard him say her name and when she turned he was standing in the doorway to the bathroom and wearing nothing but a pair of silky-looking boxer shorts.

His dark eyes gave nothing away and she had no idea what he was thinking. She felt exposed and stupid and near tears as she confessed all.

“I read a book at the bookstore on how to seduce a man. It said to just get into your bed, naked. I couldn’t do the naked part. It’s really not me, and we don’t know each other that well. So I had to find a nightgown, but I don’t have sexy lingerie and until I got here I hadn’t thought about the fact that you’re probably not doing anything with me because you don’t think of me that way. I’m not like those other women, and I’m pregnant and...”

She’d run out of words, which could be a first, but she didn’t think that mattered right now. Fear and embarrassment and a sense of vulnerability welled up inside of her until she could only turn and run for the door.

Except she didn’t get that far. Somehow Dev got from the bathroom doorway to her side before she could move and then she was in his arms and he was kissing her all over her face.

“It wasn’t that I didn’t want you,” he breathed as he pressed his mouth to her cheeks, her eyelids, her nose and her chin.

“Then what was it?”

“Hell if I know.”

He claimed her lips with a deep, passionate kiss that chased all rational thought from her mind. The fears faded, the questions were no more. She gave herself up to the pressure and the minty taste of his tongue as it circled hers and plunged in deeper.

As she angled her head to let him claim her, she placed her hands on his shoulders. His skin was warm and smooth. Muscles rippled as she slid her fingers down his back, then up again.

He cupped her face, as if he felt the need to hold her in place. Had she been willing to break the kiss, she would have told him that she wasn’t going anywhere. Instead she tried to show him with her body by leaning against him and by her kiss. She thrust into his mouth and explored him until she felt herself wanting more.

Need grew inside. At least she was pretty sure it was need. Her breasts ached and the feel of the cotton gown on her bare breasts was both erotic and uncomfortable. There was a heaviness between her legs. Her thighs trembled and her skin seemed too tight for her body.

Without warning, Dev stepped away. Before she could protest, he caught her in his arms and carried her the few feet to the bed. There he lowered her onto the cool sheets, then settled next to her, leaning over her as he once again rained kisses on her face.

She touched him. His shoulders, his arms, then the breadth of his chest. His skin was smooth to her touch, but not soft like her own. He was all hard planes and unyielding strength. He felt different than Jimmy had. Jimmy had been skinny and...well...different.

She closed her mind to anyone but Dev, then arched her head back on the pillow when he kissed his way along her jaw and down her neck. She wouldn’t have thought that part of her body was especially sensitive, but when his damp kisses trailed to her collarbone, she felt goose bumps on her arms.

He knelt on the bed, then crossed over her, pulling her with him as he went so somehow she landed on top of him, their bodies pressed together. She looked down at him and saw the bright fire in his eyes. Her muscles clenched instinctively and when she moved, she felt the hardness of his arousal against her body.

The physical proof of his need gave her courage and excited her. She leaned in for his kiss as he claimed her in another dance of lips and tongues. He moved his hands down her back to her hips, where he silently urged her to straddle him. She parted her legs and shifted so that her center pressed against his erection.

The contact was shocking, yet delicious. Her insides ached, but not from pain. She wasn’t sure of the cause or how to fix it. Instinctively, she rubbed herself against him, then stopped as tiny bolts of lightning shot through her body.

“Do that again,” Dev breathed.

She raised herself and moved her hips back and forth, moving her center the entire, thick length of him. Pleasure poured through her and the need to do more nearly overwhelmed her. But before she could get started, he brought his hands to her breasts and cupped her curves.

They were covered by nothing more than a thin layer of soft cotton. She could feel his fingers, his thumbs, his palms. His gentle touch made her breath catch. Then he brushed his fingers against her nipples and she gasped.

It was as if a road of nerves connected her breasts with that place between her legs. As he continued to touch her nipples, circling them, lightly rubbing them, moving back and forth, she felt a distinct tugging deep inside. Muscles tensed and the need to rub herself against him harder and faster nearly overwhelmed her.

Dev reached for the hem of her nightgown and before she could figure out what he was doing, he swept it over her head. She instinctively reached to cover herself, but he got there first. He shifted her onto her back on the bed, bent over her and took her right nipple in his mouth.

A moan of pure pleasure started low in her belly and worked its way up. The combination of heat and dampness and the magical way he flicked and swirled and sucked nearly drove her to madness. It took every ounce of control to keep from grabbing his head and holding him in place. He must never stop. If he did—she would die.

Fortunately he continued to caress her breast with his mouth and tongue. At the same time, he put his hand on her stomach and slowly moved it toward her panties. When he encountered the barrier, he slipped under the fabric, moving until he slipped between her legs.

Jimmy had touched her there, she thought, remembering the few seconds of rough rubbing before he’d entered her. Dev was different. He went slowly, easing down between swollen flesh, making her anticipate his next move.

Without thinking, she parted her legs. He continued exploring her, touching everywhere, pressing lightly. It was nice, she thought. Very different from—

A bolt of pleasure jerked the breath from her body. She had never felt anything like it before and wasn’t sure what—

It happened again. Dev slipped his fingers inside of her, then brought them back to that one tiny place. He circled it over and over again, moving closer but not touching until she felt she wanted to scream. He had to do that again. She had to know what it felt like if he kept stroking her.

But instead of continuing, he raised himself on his elbow and smiled at her. “Take off your panties.”

Five minutes ago, she might have been embarrassed. Now she didn’t care. If a lack of panties meant he’d do that again, she was all for it.

She pushed off the scrap of fabric, then kicked it away. He stretched out next to her and began to kiss her mouth. As their tongues danced, she felt his fingers return between her legs.

He went right for that one spot and rubbed it. His fingers moved in an ever-increasing rhythm until she found herself lost in a haze of desire and need. Everything he did felt so good and she never wanted it to stop, yet she felt herself straining for something more. Something that was just out of reach.

She began to pulse her hips, as if urging him on. She opened her legs wider, then held onto the sheets. He moved faster and faster until her entire body throbbed with need.

When she didn’t think she could stand it much longer, there was a single moment of stillness, then an unbelievable wave of pleasure swept through her. It was as if every part of her trembled with delight. She couldn’t control herself or her reaction. She wanted to scream. She wanted to be more naked, more exposed, more everything. Her muscles contracted over and over again.

And still Dev touched her. He moved slower and lighter until the trembling eased and amazing contentment flowed into her.

He stopped moving, but kept his hand between her legs. She opened her eyes and found him staring down at her.

“Wow,” she managed, her voice husky and low. “Was that what I think it was?”

He smiled. “Uh-huh.”

“You could feel it, too?”

“I could tell by your breathing and the way your muscles contracted. If I’d been inside of you, I would have felt even more.”

Inside of her? “How would that have felt for me?”

“I don’t have a clue.”

She grinned. “Right. Because you’re the guy.” Her smile faded. “I had no idea it could be like that. If it feels half as good for you when you, well, you know, why on earth would you have resisted for so long?”

“I was trying to do the right thing.”

She touched his cheek. “Silly man.”

“I’ve been called worse.”

He bent down and kissed her. She’d thought he might protest taking things further and was pleased when he moved close and she felt his arousal against her thigh.

As she kissed him and rubbed her hands up and down his back, he tugged off his boxers, then knelt between her thighs. She felt him pressing against her. Instinctively she braced herself for the painful stretching, but it never came. She felt a slight pressure as he filled her, which actually felt kind of nice.

He filled her completely, moving slowly in and out of her. His weight felt comfortable, safe and a little sexy. She was aware of being female and the power contained in that. This was her husband, she thought as a little tingle shot through her. They were making love.

He began to move faster. Her body clenched around him and she felt the beginning of the same pressure she remembered from before. Was it possible she could climax again? Like this?

But before she could decide, he stiffened and groaned. She felt him go still.

Five minutes later, they were under the covers. Neither of them had pulled on clothes, which meant they were naked. She’d never slept naked before. Not that she felt sleepy.

“I have some questions,” she said as she snuggled close, feeling at one with the universe.

“Ask anything.”

“Are you sure? Some of them are personal.”

He looked at her and smiled. “More personal than what we just did?” he asked, his voice teasing.

“They’re on the same subject.”

“I guessed as much. What do you want to know?”

“How come it didn’t hurt?” she asked. “Last time it was so painful. This time I felt pressure and stretching, but it wasn’t close to the same.”

Dev stroked her hair. “You weren’t a virgin, which helped. Plus, you were aroused. When you get turned on, your body changes. You get swollen and wet.”

She’d thought things felt different “down there” but hadn’t had much frame of reference. Knowing the mechanics and having them happen were not the same.

“It didn’t last much longer,” she said. “But I felt some tingling when you were inside. Could I, um, you know, that way?”

Dev groaned. “Next time it’ll last longer. It’s been a while for me, okay? Plus, I’ve been fantasizing about this for weeks.”

She turned toward him, which meant her bare breasts brushed against his arm. The contact was so unexpected, she nearly lost her train of thought. “What are you talking about?”

“I didn’t last long enough. Guys don’t like to hear that.”

How stupid. As if he could control those feelings. “Whatever. Could I?”

“Maybe. With practice.”

Practice? That sounded yummy.

His words replayed in her mind. “You’ve been fantasizing about me? Really? Like what?”

“Like everything.” His dark gaze brightened with fire. “I’ve been thinking about touching you, tasting you. Being together everywhere. The kitchen counter, this bed, the pool.”

The pool? People did that? She felt both shocked and excited by his words. Who would ever have thought that calm, responsible, mature Devlin Hunter was so sexy?

“I’m not sure I could get naked in the pool during the day,” she said, ignoring the blush on her cheeks. “But I’m willing to try it at night.”

He claimed her with a kiss that made her wish he would touch her again. Instead he pulled back.

“You’re one surprise after the other,” he told her.

“But in a good way.”

He rubbed his thumb across her mouth. “In the best way. We’ll do it all, I promise. But not tonight. I don’t want you sore tomorrow.”

He drew her close again. She put her head on his shoulder and rested her hand on his chest. Sleep was impossible, but she liked being close to him. She liked knowing what they’d done and that he’d wanted her for a long time.

“I wanted you, too,” she whispered.

“I’m glad.”

* * *

CRISSY NUDGED RACHEL.

“Is it just me or is that one glowing?”

Rachel narrowed her gaze as she looked at Noelle. “She is. Worse, she can’t seem to stop smiling. Think she won the lotto?”

Noelle tried for a serious expression, but she was just too happy. This morning, at her calculus class, several people had commented on her extraordinary mood. She hadn’t told them the cause, but she was happy to share the news with her friends.

“It’s Dev,” she said, then sighed. “We’re together.”

Rachel nodded knowingly. “That’s code-speak for getting some.”

“I haven’t had some in a while,” Crissy said. “I could use some.”

Noelle grinned. “I would highly recommend it.”

“Better than the first time?” Rachel asked.

“Totally different. Dev was fabulous. Patient and sexy and the things he can do.”

Crissy fanned herself with her hand. “Is it me, or is it getting hot in here?”

“It’s not you,” Rachel said, sounding grumpy.

Noelle ignored their teasing. “I’m so happy. I can’t believe this has happened to me. I married Dev because it seemed the only way to deal with the baby and now...it’s just amazing. I feel so connected to him. Is that natural.”

Rachel nodded. “Women bond after sex.”

“I feel it,” Noelle said dreamily. “I can’t stop thinking about him or wanting to be with him. I thought our marriage would be nothing but a duty. Now it’s so much more.”

Rachel and Crissy looked at each other. “Be careful, honey,” Crissy told her. “You’re new to all this. Dev, making love... Don’t go getting your heart all soft and open until you know what his intentions are.”

Noelle laughed. “He married me.”

“For two years,” Rachel reminded her.

Noelle dismissed them with a wave. “You don’t understand. We shared something special. The more I’ve gotten to know him, the more I’ve liked him. Now...” She sighed again. “I don’t know how I got so lucky. And you know the best part? We’re already married.”

* * *

DEV WALKED INTO the kitchen, still not sure what he was going to say to Noelle. While last night had been great, it had also been a mistake. He didn’t want to hurt her, and in his gut, he knew that being lovers was the shortest path to that happening.

He’d spent the entire day and all of his dinner meeting wrestling with guilt. How could he have done that? How could he have given in? He wasn’t supposed to be enjoying himself. Noelle was nothing but a responsibility. He was helping her because of Jimmy and the baby.

Noelle greeted him with a kiss that heated his blood. In that moment, with her body pressed against his, it was all he could do not to push her onto the counter and have his way with her again.

Instead, he forced himself to step back as he tried to figure out how to tell her they weren’t going to do that again.

“Come see, come see,” she said as she took his hand and dragged him toward the hallway. “I know I should have asked, and I would have, but you were having that dinner meeting. I got home from my knitting class about an hour ago and I just couldn’t help myself. Are you mad?”

Her eyes were bright, her smile infectious. How could he possibly refuse her anything. “As I have no idea what you’re talking about, I guess the answer is no.”

“What? Oh, right.” She laughed. “This way.”

She drew him into the bedroom. “I rearranged the drawers. I only took four in the main dresser, plus the nightstand on the other side. The closet was easy. You’re not even using half of it.”

She pulled open the wide door to show him her clothes hanging next to his. She’d moved into his bedroom.

“I know we didn’t talk about this,” she said. “But after last night, it made the most sense. I’ll keep the same room for the nursery. With a baby monitor, I’ll be able to hear everything.”

She stepped into his arms. He put his hands on her shoulders and stared into her eyes.

“Say something,” she whispered. “Please.”

He didn’t want this. Oh, sure, he wanted her, and what man would object to a beautiful, sexy woman in his bed on a regular basis?

But everything had a price and he didn’t want her paying this one. He didn’t want them to get closer. He didn’t want her to care. He wasn’t worried about himself—he’d already learned he was immune to love, but Noelle wasn’t.

“We should...” he began as she reached for the hem of her T-shirt and pulled it over her head.

“What?” she asked. She took his hands and placed them on her breasts. “Make love this instant?”

She was the most amazing woman he’d ever met. Funny, smart, impulsive, responsible, sexy, adoring. In other circumstances...

But these weren’t other circumstances, and if she knew the truth about him, she would never forgive him.

Walking away would be the kindest thing. He knew that and yet he found himself unable to resist her invitation. When she smiled and raised herself on tiptoe, he bent his head and claimed her.

Tomorrow, he promised. He would tell her the truth tomorrow.

CHAPTER NINE

“WHAT TERRIFIES EVERYONE about babies is they can’t tell you what’s wrong,” the attractive middle-aged woman said from the front of the room. “At least not verbally. The good news is, babies have simple needs. They want to be fed, kept comfortable and clean and not feel pain. So it’s not as if you have to worry that your newborn is feeling unfulfilled by his or her job.”

The woman paused expectantly, and a few people laughed. Dev didn’t join in. To him, the joke wasn’t funny. He was here to learn how to be a decent parent—something he’d never accomplished with Jimmy.

Dev knew the woman was right—at the beginning the baby’s needs would be basic and mostly physical. He was unlikely to do any psychological harm. But what about as it got older? Then what?

“For the first couple of months, you and your baby are getting to know each other. You’re learning what the different cries mean and how to deal with them. These are the beginnings of a personality. Your baby is learning your touch and your smell and your voice. This is the time when you bond. Fathers, just so we’re clear, you need to bond just as much as the mother. This is your baby, too.”

She went on to talk about how babies bond and the importance of the connection, but Dev wasn’t listening. He’d never bonded with Jimmy. Not in a parental way. Is that what had gone wrong? A lack of bonding on his part?

He’d never thought about emotionally connecting. After their mother died and their father took off, Dev had been concerned about duty and responsibility and doing the right thing. He’d been dealing with his own pain but he’d pushed it aside because he’d wanted to be there for Jimmy, but also to guide him onto the right path.

Right. Instead of illuminating the road to success, Dev had caused a crash and burn—first figuratively, then literally.

“There should be more rules,” he said later, when they were in the car driving home.

“Like a checklist?” Noelle asked.

“Exactly. It’s day thirty of your baby’s life. Here are all the things you need to do.”

She laughed. “Dev, it can’t be like that. We’re talking about people, not an assembly line. Everyone is different.”

“Why do they have to be? Rules would help. It’s just the word you object to. What if I said ‘guidelines’?”

“I’m not sure it makes a difference. Besides, we’re going to have a long time before we have to worry about anything but midnight feedings and changing diapers.” She touched her stomach. “I’m barely showing.”

She wasn’t taking this seriously, but then she didn’t have his track record.

“I want more information,” he said. “When we get home, I want to go online and see what I can find out.”

“But it’s late,” she said. “I’m tired.”

“You go to bed. I’ll be along in a while.”

Her silence told him she wasn’t happy with his decision. He thought about explaining, but took the coward’s way out and didn’t.

He couldn’t do anything to help Jimmy, but with a little luck and a lot of determination, he could keep history from repeating itself with Jimmy’s child.

* * *

NOELLE HAD BEEN looking forward to the Sunday picnic at her parents’ house all week. The day was sunny and warm and she’d brought two kinds of salad.

Everything had changed in the past couple of weeks. She wanted to share the information with her mom, but knew that was impossible. Not without first revealing the real reason she’d married Dev, and Noelle wasn’t ready to do that yet. Or maybe ever.

“We’re here,” she called as they walked through the empty house and out into the backyard. “Hi!”

Noelle looked out at the crowd. Her parents were there, of course, along with a couple of neighbors. Her sisters had dates instead of girlfriends, except for Tiffany, who sat on a lounge chair by the pool, reading.

“You made it,” her mother said, crossing the patio and kissing them both, then taking the salad bowl from Dev. “Bob is dying for another guy to talk to. Please go rescue him.”

“I will. Thanks.”

Dev smiled at Noelle, then walked over to her father. The two men shook hands.

“How are you?” her mother asked, linking arms with her and leading her into the kitchen. “I’m still getting used to having you gone.”

“I know,” Noelle said as she set her bowl on the counter. “I’m still getting used to living somewhere else.”

Her mother opened the refrigerator and made room. “Hmmm, I might buy that, if you weren’t so happy. I swear, Noelle, I’ve never seen you look so...” She straightened and studied her daughter. “Content.”

“I’m happy,” Noelle said honestly, knowing she’d felt things for Dev she’d never felt before. “I love my life.”

“Then I’m happy, too. I’ll admit I was a little nervous when you ran off and got married. It was so unlike you.”

“I know, Mom. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you or Dad.”

“We weren’t hurt. Just surprised. But it’s worked out for the best and that’s all I could hope for.”

Tiffany walked into the kitchen. “I’m bored,” she announced with all the pain inherent in a moody fifteen-year-old.

“I told you to invite some friends,” her mother said.

“I hate that we have to talk about how something happened in our week that changed us. It’s stupid.” She sighed heavily. “Why do there have to be so many rules?”

Noelle had always felt she and her sisters stood against their parents, but suddenly she found herself on the other side of things. “The rules are good,” she said. “They give you boundaries. Trust me, rules are better than no rules.”

Tiffany rolled her eyes. “What do you know? You got married and left. You don’t have any rules anymore. You can do anything you want. I want that. I want people to stop telling me what to do all the time!”

With that, she stalked out of the kitchen and let the back door slam behind her.

Noelle winced. “Tell me I wasn’t that bad.”

“Most teenagers are a challenge, in their own way. She’ll get through it.”

Noelle watched Tiffany walk around the pool and flop down in a chair. “I remember feeling lost and confused about the world when I was her age. It wasn’t fun.”

Her gaze strayed to where Dev stood talking to her father. At the sight of him, she felt her heartbeat increase. The need to move close, to touch him and kiss him nearly overwhelmed her. But it was more than that. She also wanted to hear his voice and see him smile at her. Life was better when he was with her.

Beside her, her mother sighed. “I remember those days.”

Noelle glanced at her. “Being fifteen?”

Her mother smiled. “Being in love and newly married. I couldn’t take my eyes off of your dad. Every day was magic and there weren’t enough hours for us to express our feelings. What a wonderful time. I wouldn’t want to live through being a teenager again, but I wouldn’t mind revisiting that romantic intensity for a few days.”

Noelle felt herself flush. “We’re, um... It’s just...”

Her mother laughed. “You don’t have to explain it to me. I know exactly what you’re thinking.”

Noelle doubted that. She and Dev weren’t in love the way her mother thought. They were just...

What? What were they? Married, of course. Having a baby together. Living in the same house, caring about each other, building a life. It certainly looked like a strong, healthy relationship. They had respect, mutual affection, attraction.

Her gaze returned to Dev. Whatever they had felt wonderful.

“Noelle, did you mention the medical bills to Dev?”

She blinked and turned her attention to the question. “What? Oh, my bills? I don’t think so.” She remembered one of their earlier conversations, where she’d confessed she would marry him and had explained the reasons why. That she didn’t want to financially burden her family.

She grimaced. “Wait. I did mention them. Should I not have said anything?”

Her mother shrugged. “I can’t decide. They’ve been paid. Anonymously, of course. At first I thought it was someone in the congregations, but we know who all the large contributors are and they generally want us to know they’re giving. Plus, this is a personal matter and no one knew. Which made it a mystery. Then I thought of Dev.”

“He never said anything,” Noelle admitted, not sure how to react to the information. “I don’t know if it was him.”

“There isn’t anyone else with both the information and the money.”

Had he done that for her? Helped out her family without expecting anything in return? Her chest tightened slightly and she felt all warm and gooey inside.

“I both appreciate the act and respect his desire for privacy,” her mother said. “I like that he didn’t feel the need to brag about what he’d done. You’ve chosen well, Noelle. Dev is a good man.”

She looked back at the man she’d married. “Yes, he is.”

* * *

SUMMER’S BOYFRIEND DRONED on endlessly about the advantages of dual exhaust in his car. Noelle stretched out in the sun and ignored the conversation, even when Dev joined in on the pitfalls of retrofitting something like that on an older car.

Tiffany sat by Noelle’s feet on the lounge chair.

“So what’s it like being married?” her baby sister asked. “Do you like being on your own?”

Noelle opened her eyes. “I do. I know you think there aren’t any rules, but there also isn’t anyone else to do the work. Chores don’t get split four ways anymore.” She didn’t mention the cleaning service Dev employed. They came every week and took care of all the big jobs, such as floors, the kitchen, the bathrooms and windows.

Tiffany sniffed. “Chores don’t get split four ways here, now, either. With you gone, they’re only split three ways. And when Lily goes to college, it’s just going to be Summer and me. It’s not fair.”

“You think Mom should do everything?” Noelle asked.

Tiffany glared at her. “I knew you’d say something like that. No, I don’t think Mom should do everything, but I shouldn’t, either. You didn’t have to. I hate being the youngest. Everyone is leaving me behind.”

Noelle hadn’t thought of things from that perspective. “You know I still love you.”

Tiffany rolled her eyes. “Yes, and yuck. I’m not talking about that. It’s just with you gone and Lily gone, there will be too much attention on Summer and me. Summer’s older and she can drive, which means it’s just me. I hate that. They’re starting to ask questions. Where am I going? Who’s going to be there?”

Noelle held in a smile. “They’ve always done that.”

“Yeah, but now they’re listening to the answers. I have their attention and I don’t like it.”

Noelle glanced up and saw Dev listening in on the conversation. His combination of half smile and shoulder shrug told her he didn’t know what to make of this, either.

“Would you rather they didn’t care?” Noelle asked.

“Maybe. Sometimes. It’s just all wrong. It’s like my name.”

“What’s wrong with your name?”

“It’s stupid.” Tiffany rolled her eyes. “Do you know how many other girls have my name? It’s a joke. Last year there were three Tiffanys in my geometry class and two different ones in my English class. This guy, David, says he’s never going to date a girl named Tiffany because no one will know who he’s talking about.”

“Then David’s an idiot.”

“Maybe, but he’s really cute.”

“So you like him.”

Tiffany sighed. “Maybe. But he’s not going to be interested in me.”

“I wouldn’t let the name thing get you down. Boys have a way of changing their mind about things like that.”

“Maybe. Or maybe he’ll like a different Tiffany.” She looked at Dev, then back at Noelle. “He’s nice, you know. Better than Summer’s stupid boyfriend who only talks about cars.”

Noelle looked at her husband and smiled. “He’s very nice.”

* * *

THEY ARRIVED HOME late and tired. “You were great with my family,” Noelle said as Dev followed her inside. “Tiffany was in a mood today.”

“She’s a teenager. It happens.”

She smiled at him over her shoulder. “Still, all that girl-talk. You were very patient and I appreciate it.”

“I didn’t mind. I like your family.”

“They like you, too. My mom said...”

Noelle’s voice trailed off as she stared at him. He was handsome, she thought absently, but that wasn’t important. What mattered was the man inside. How he treated her and everyone else in his life. How he was honorable and kind and caring and gentle, yet the strongest man she knew.

She trusted him—not just with herself, but with her child. She trusted him with her heart.

“I love you,” she said without meaning to. The words just popped out.

Dev’s expression froze.

“I love you,” she repeated. She braced herself for a rush of humiliation or regret, but there was only a second of rightness.

She grinned. “Wow. That came from nowhere. I know that’s not part of our agreement, but there we are. You’re amazing, Dev. I don’t know why you’re not already married with a bunch of kids. Maybe I got lucky. Whatever the reasons, we’re together and I love you.”

Until that moment, she’d wondered how she would know what love felt like. Now she knew—she was as certain about her feelings as she had ever been about anything in her life.

He stared at her as if she’d become a stranger. “You can’t.”

Not exactly the response she would have picked, she thought, trying not to give in to sudden fear. “Well, I do.”

“Noelle, stop it. I don’t want to talk about this.” He took several steps back. “You don’t know what you’re saying. It’s the sex.”

“It’s more than that,” she said, annoyance taking the place of fear. “You don’t get to dictate my feelings.”

Dev didn’t know what kind of game Noelle was playing, but he had to get her to stop. This was not supposed to happen.

“We had a deal,” he told her, knowing it was a completely stupid thing to say.

“I broke the rules. Sorry.”

It was more than the rules, he thought grimly. There were reasons.

She couldn’t love him. People didn’t love him. They wanted him like his women, or hated him like Jimmy, or left him like his parents, but they didn’t love him.

He walked around her and left the kitchen. She caught up with him in the hallway.

“You can’t pretend this didn’t happen,” she said as she grabbed his arms. “You can’t make my words go away.”

“I can try.”

“Doesn’t it mean anything to you?”

He didn’t want to look at her, but he couldn’t help himself. He stared into her eyes, into that uncomfortable mixture of pain and hope and knew he’d made a fundamental mistake where she was concerned. Noelle was so damn together, he’d forgotten she wasn’t used to playing his kind of game. The one where no one got involved. No one got hurt.

“It means you don’t really know me,” he said quietly. “If you did, you could never claim to love me.”

“There’s no claiming,” she snapped. “I mean it. I know what I’m talking about. And I do know you. You’re good and kind and smart and caring. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a man.”

Her words cut him down to the bone. There wasn’t blood, but there should have been. Gallons of it. Maybe then, if he shed enough out of guilt, he could make it all right.

“You don’t understand,” he told her. “I’m not that man. I’ve screwed up everything important. Everything. My father left because of me. He told me himself. He wanted to go away so I wouldn’t be like him. I didn’t know what he meant so I didn’t know what to change. And Jimmy.” He closed his eyes, which only made things worse. Suddenly he could see his kid brother and hear every word of their last, angry conversation.

“Jimmy was the most important person in my life,” he said, staring at her. “I was determined to be the best brother, best parent, best everything for him. But it didn’t work. Nothing helped. I couldn’t get him to care about school or college or getting a job. He wouldn’t go to class in high school, he partied, he ran with some pretty bad kids. He got kicked out his junior year. Did he tell you that? Did he tell you he’d tried to set the gym on fire?”

Noelle stared at him, her eyes wide. She slowly shook her head.

“Obviously he never graduated. I hounded him until he got his GED. When that arrived, he told me he was done with me. Not that he moved out—that would have meant taking responsibility for paying bills and he didn’t want that.” He drew in a breath. “Do you know why you met him at the company? Do you know what he was doing there?”

She shook her head again. “I thought he was working.”

“Working.” Dev tried to laugh, but there was nothing funny about the situation. “I guess you could call it that. He was stealing parts and selling them on the street. The specialized airplane parts weren’t that useful to him, but we have a lot of components that would work with most types of engines. I caught him myself and he wasn’t even sorry.”

Noelle drew in a breath, but didn’t speak.

Dev continued. “I’d had it with him. There had been too many chances, so many screw-ups. I didn’t care. Honest to God, in that moment, I hated my brother. I told him he had two choices. He could join the military and grow up, or I would have him arrested and prosecuted. The army or jail. Those were his choices.”

Dev shook his head as he tried not to remember the fight he’d had with his brother, the names they’d called each other. Jimmy had said he would never forgive Dev and Dev had said, “Right back at you.” They’d nearly punched each other.

“You know what he chose,” Dev told her. “That’s why he enlisted. He told me where they were sending him and I said it was a good thing. He would have to grow up over there. Learn about responsibility. Quit being such a spoiled little shit. Instead he got dead.”

Dev looked at her. “That’s what I did, Noelle. I took the easy way out with Jimmy, and because of that, he’s dead. There’s nothing I can do to change that, no matter how much I want to. I have to live with the consequences of my actions for the rest of my life. I failed my brother. Worse, I killed him. So you might want to think twice about claiming to be in love with someone like me.”

CHAPTER TEN

DEV WALKED OUT of the kitchen. Noelle heard the door to the garage close behind him, then the sound of his car starting.

He was leaving. That shocked her nearly as much as what he’d told her. How could he dump all that on her and then leave?

She stood in the silence for several minutes, then slowly turned off lights and made her way to the bedroom she shared with the man she’d married. A thousand different thoughts flowed through her brain. She didn’t know what to think, what to believe. The only thing she completely understood was that Dev was out of reach in ways she couldn’t begin to understand.

* * *

HE NEVER CAME home the whole night. Noelle tried to sleep, but couldn’t, and was up and prowling restlessly before dawn. She made a large pot of coffee in anticipation of his arrival, which never happened, then turned it off before she left for school.

As she drove to the campus, she once again went over what he’d told her. She’d known Jimmy well enough to see how he could easily make someone like Dev completely crazy. Jimmy had been on a slick, steep road to destruction and, one way or another, he was going to have to pay for that.

But not with his life, she thought sadly as she parked and collected her books. No one should have to pay that high a price. And what about Dev, left behind, with only his guilt to keep him company?

She could almost understand why he wouldn’t let the past go. It was too painful and so easy for him to blame himself, which meant he was a man on a mission—that he had to somehow make up for what he’d done. That explained his nearly obsessive desire to be a part of Jimmy’s child’s life and why he’d insisted on marriage. But where did that leave her? Was she any part of his plan, or just the vessel who carried his brother’s unborn child? Had she fallen in love with a man who didn’t see her as a real person?

Late that afternoon, she still didn’t have any answer. Not sure if she would even see Dev again, she couldn’t decide if she should cook dinner or not. Talk about a stupid concern if her husband had walked out on her. But it was easier to focus on that, than the fact she might never see him again. She told herself she had to eat something. She would make enough for two and if he didn’t come home, she would have the rest for lunch the next day.

Shortly after five she heard the garage door open. Her heart leapt in her chest, but she forced herself not to react when he walked into the kitchen. She finished chopping the bell pepper, then wiped her hands on a towel and turned to face him.

He looked awful. There were dark shadows under his eyes and a heaviness to his step. She doubted he’d slept, although he’d obviously showered and changed clothes somewhere. She remembered the fabulous bathroom attached to his office, which was, ironically, the place where all this started. If he hadn’t caught her coming out of his office that morning, he wouldn’t have known about the baby.

She would have told him eventually, she thought, what with him being Jimmy’s only relative, but by then she would have gone to her parents and who knows what would have happened. She doubted they would be married right now.

He shrugged out of his suit jacket and slung it on the counter. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I shouldn’t have left like that. I had no right to worry you. I thought about calling, but by the time it occurred to me, it was about three in the morning and I hoped you would be asleep.”

“I wasn’t,” she said softly, trying not to show how relieved she felt to see him.

He ran his hand through his hair. “Walking out isn’t my normal solution to an argument,” he admitted. “I don’t know what happened.”

“It’s an emotional topic.”

“Still no excuse,” he muttered. “It won’t happen again.”

She wanted to ask why. Did he mean he would handle things better in the future or that they wouldn’t be in a position to have fights because they wouldn’t be together?

She turned off the burners she’d lit on the stove and moved both the pan and the pot to the side.

“We need to talk about this,” she said. “About Jimmy.”

He stiffened. “No, we don’t.”

“You can’t dump something like that on me and then refuse to discuss it again. It’s too important. You’re in pain, Dev. I understand why you miss him, but you’re not responsible for his death. You didn’t make him screw up his life, you didn’t make him steal and you didn’t pull the trigger on the gun that killed him.”

“I will not discuss this with you.”

His voice was ice and she shivered from the cold.

“Dev...”

“I like you and respect you,” he said firmly, “but this topic is off-limits. I also want to be clear about a few other things. As far as I’m concerned, the initial rules are still in place. In two years, this marriage ends.”

She felt as if he’d slapped her. “We’ve moved past that already.”

“No, we haven’t. Sleeping together doesn’t change anything. I will walk away in two years.” He drew in a breath. “I understand if you have to think about all this and even if you want me to move out while you consider it.”

His tone softened, but his words still cut her. Sleeping together? Is that what he thought they were doing? For her, it was much more than that.

She looked at him and wondered what he wasn’t saying. Was he trying to get her to back away? She knew he enjoyed their lovemaking, so she didn’t think he wanted that to end. So what was this about? Did he need her at arm’s length so he wouldn’t start to care? Or was that just wishful thinking on her part?

She wanted to believe that he was afraid of falling in love with her, but what proof did she have? Except for his overzealous guilt about Jimmy, Dev seemed like a regular guy. Why would he be afraid of loving anyone? He was certainly committed to Jimmy’s child.

Was he afraid she would leave, so he was protecting himself, or was that even more wishful thinking?

“You don’t need to leave,” she said slowly. “If anyone were to leave, it would be me.”

She thought he tensed, but she wasn’t sure.

“Are you leaving?” he asked.

“No. I’m your wife and I want to stay with you.”

“In my bed?” he asked bluntly. “Are you willing to sleep with me, knowing there’s a time limit?”

He was trying to push her away, but why? Would it make him feel better or worse to have her agree to his terms?

There was no way for her to know and she believed if she asked, he would avoid the question. Which meant she could only worry about herself and what she wanted.

“I still love you,” she said. “My feelings aren’t up for grabs, nor can you dictate or legislate them. My question for you is can you handle that? Can you live in this house with me, knowing how I feel?”

His dark eyes gave nothing away. “In two years, it’s over.”

He had the final power in that, she thought sadly. He couldn’t make her stop loving him and she couldn’t make him care about her. In the end, if he didn’t want her anymore, she would go.

“You’re my husband and I’m committed to this relationship,” she told him. “For as long as we’re together, I will share everything I have with you, including my heart and my body.”

“Then you’re staying.”

She nodded.

“Good.” He grabbed his jacket. “I’ll go get changed.”

“Dinner’s in about thirty minutes.”

He nodded and left. Noelle stared after him and wondered if he recognized that nothing had been resolved. They’d entered into an uneasy peace for the moment, but the final outcome was anyone’s guess.

* * *

A WEEK LATER Noelle found herself continuing to live in a state of uncertainty. While she and Dev occupied the same house, they weren’t the loving, happy couple they’d been before she’d confessed her feelings and he’d told her about Jimmy.

She and Dev spoke about everything that wasn’t important, shared physical space without touching and were painfully polite. At night they each claimed their side of the large bed, with neither making a move toward the other.

In truth, she missed him. She missed laughing with him and touching him. She missed making love and feeling a part of something, but with no idea how to fix the problem, she didn’t know how to change things. Talking hadn’t gotten them anywhere and while she was fairly confident that if she reached for him he wouldn’t reject her, she wasn’t sure she was ready to make the first move.

For once, her lack of experience was a handicap. She didn’t know how to handle the situation and she was too embarrassed to discuss it with Rachel and Crissy. As far as her friends were concerned, everything was perfect in the Hunter household.

Noelle had never lived a lie before and she didn’t like living one now. But how to change things? Did they each need a good knock over the head?

By the time she drove into the driveway after her study group, she didn’t have any answers. But she was surprised to see Dev’s car in the garage. It was only three in the afternoon. What was he doing home?

“Dev?” she called as she walked into the kitchen.

She saw him standing in the family room, along with Tiffany and what looked like enough luggage for an entire graduating class.

Her sister took one look at her and burst into tears. Noelle instinctively held out her arms. Tiffany rushed to her and hung on tight.

“Your mother called,” Dev said as she patted her sister’s back. “When you didn’t pick up here, she called me at work.”

Tiffany stepped back. “I hate my life. I hate it so much. I hate living at home. Mom and Dad are so awful. I don’t want to live with them anymore. I want to come live with you.”

Because they needed one more thing, Noelle thought, trying to see the humor in the situation and failing.

“I’ll be good,” Tiffany said, wiping the tears from her eyes. “I promise. It’s just they don’t understand anything. Please, Noelle, don’t make me go back.”

Dev motioned for her to follow him down the hall.

“Wait here,” Noelle told her sister, then followed him into their bedroom. “I can’t believe this,” she said when he’d shut the door.

“It’s a surprise,” he admitted. “Your mom called and said Tiffany was running away. Apparently a friend picked her up. Your mom said if we could stand to have her stay for a few days, it would be a big help. She thinks Tiffany needs a dose of reality.”

“She needs more than that,” Noelle muttered, then waited for Dev to announce that there was no way he was letting her kid sister move in with them. Only he didn’t.

“Aren’t you upset?” she asked.

He shrugged. “I’m gone most of the time. She’s your sister and you’re the one who would be home with her. It’s your call.”

She blinked. Never would she have guessed those words would come out of his mouth. Something was wrong, but she couldn’t figure out what.

* * *

DEV WAITED WHILE Noelle considered her options. What he wasn’t about to admit was that he saw Tiffany as an unexpected distraction. Things had been tense between Noelle and him. A third person might improve the situation, or at least keep them so busy that they’d forget to be painfully polite all the time.

He knew he’d hurt her and he hated that. He’d been so damn careful to spell out all the rules so that wouldn’t happen, only he’d forgotten to address the possibility of feelings and sexual desire.

He’d known making love with Noelle was a mistake. The shared intimacy had convinced her she had feelings for him. He didn’t consider that her feelings might be real. How could she know what he’d done and still care about him? Still, he’d upset her and caused her pain, when all she’d done was surprise him in the best way possible, over and over again.

“If you don’t mind, then let’s tell Tiffany she can stay,” Noelle said. “Although it’s not going to be the cushy vacation she’s expecting.” She squared her shoulders. “Okay, I’m ready.”

They returned to the family room. Tiffany stood anxiously by her piles of luggage. “What?” the teenager asked. “Noelle, you have to let me live here.”

Noelle stared at her. “You can stay.”

Tiffany shrieked and jumped in the air. “Really? That’s so great! I’m going to be so incredibly fun to have around, you’ll beg me never to leave. Can I live in the pool house? It looks fabulous.”

“It is, but you’ll be in the house, staying in the guest room.”

The one Noelle had recently vacated, Dev thought, knowing this would be a lot more awkward if she hadn’t already moved in with him.

“There is also a condition,” Noelle continued.

“I’ll do anything,” Tiffany promised.

Noelle didn’t look convinced. “Okay—the condition is you follow my rules.”

Tiffany shoved her long, blond hair off her shoulders and sighed heavily. “What rules?”

Noelle smiled. “You’ll like them. Some of them will even be familiar. One, you will have a list of chores to be completed on a daily basis. Two, you will have a curfew and be home by nine.”

“Nine?” Tiffany shrieked. “Nine at night?”

“Three,” Noelle continued, ignoring her. “No boys in the house. Not ever, not for five minutes. None. Zero. Girlfriends are allowed, but only when one of us is home. Girlfriends will vacate the house by nine unless they are staying for a preapproved sleepover. Four, you will not go into the pool when you are home alone. Five, you will play your music at a reasonable volume and we determine what is reasonable.” She paused. “That’s all I can think of for now, but there may be more later. If you violate any of these, I’ll pack your stuff myself and toss you out. Is that clear?”

Tiffany stared at her sister as if she’d never seen her before. “You’re worse than Mom,” she breathed, then turned to Dev. “Tell her she’s being unfair.”

Dev held up both hands. “This is between the two of you. Leave me out of it.”

On the one hand, he thought Noelle’s rules were strict, but on the other, he understood her plan. She was trying to make Tiffany see that running away didn’t solve anything. A lesson he obviously needed to learn himself, based on how he’d acted after their big fight.

“Dev works and I’m taking classes,” Noelle said firmly. “Everyone in this house has responsibilities and that includes you, kid. So what do you say?”

Tiffany sighed. For a second, Dev thought she was going to balk, but she nodded slowly. “Okay. Fine. I’ll follow the rules.”

“Good. I’ll take you to day care every morning and pick you up at five.”

He frowned. “Tiffany’s in day care?” She seemed kind of old.

Tiffany giggled. “I don’t go. I help. Through the church. Teenagers who are too young to get jobs and stuff volunteer. We don’t get paid, but we will get a nice reference, which helps us when we want to get real jobs.”

That made sense. He picked up several of the suitcases. “I’ll carry these back.” He looked at Noelle. “The bigger of the two rooms.” Meaning the one she’d occupied.

She nodded. “Take a bag, Tiffany. You’re not in a hotel.”

Her sister sighed. “Yes, ma’am.”

She slung a couple of totes over her shoulder and followed him down the hall.

“Here’s the room,” Dev said, pushing open the door. “Bathroom is next door.”

Tiffany dropped her bags and flung herself onto the bed. “It’s really nice. At home I share with Summer. Lily shared with Noelle. With Lily going off to college, Summer’s getting her room and I’ll have Lily with me when she’s back from school. But our room isn’t nearly as cool as this.”

She sat up. “Noelle is really bossy. She likes to take charge and be responsible. Boys don’t like that in a girl. Doesn’t it make you crazy?”

He set down the suitcases. “No. But then I’m not a boy and your sister is my wife.”

Tiffany’s eyes widened. “Wow. So you like her?”

He smiled. “Yes. Very much. I think Noelle is terrific and beautiful.”

Tiffany flopped back on the bed. “I want someone to think I’m terrific. Does that mean I have to act that way?”

“Pretty much.”

Later, when Tiffany was busy unpacking what appeared to be everything she’d ever owned, Dev walked into the master bedroom and found Noelle curled up in the window seat.

“Are you sure about this?” he asked.

She turned to face him and he saw tears on her cheeks. Panic seized him.

“What happened?” he demanded as he crossed the room. “Noelle, what’s wrong?”

She shook her head. “I’m fine,” she whispered.

Like he believed that. “Then why are you crying?” He sat next to her and reached for her hand, but stopped himself.

She drew in a breath. “I heard you talking to Tiffany. I heard what you said. How can you tell her I’m terrific and tell me that in two years you’ll walk away without looking back?”

Damn. “The two statements have nothing in common.”

“I disagree. Either you feel something for me or you don’t.”

This time he did capture her hand and rubbed his fingers against hers. “I respect you and admire you. I want you. But I will not love you and you shouldn’t love me.”

More tears trickled down her cheeks. Her eyes were the color of a midnight sky and he could feel her pain. “Why? It’s not just because of Jimmy. It can’t be. What else is there?”

He didn’t know how to explain. There were so many reasons and his need to protect Noelle was powerful and strong. He’d watched his mother fade away from a broken heart when his father had refused to care for her. He didn’t want that to happen to Noelle.

No doubt she would tell him that the solution was for him to love her, but he couldn’t. He had loved his parents and they had both left him. He’d loved Jimmy and had ended up destroying his brother. Love was dangerous and ended in loss.

“When this is over, you’ll find someone else,” he said quietly. “Someone willing to give you his whole heart.”

She snatched back her hand. “Do you think I want someone else? I haven’t given my heart lightly. Love just is, Dev, whether you want it or not. You can’t command it or explain it. Has it occurred to you that I might love you forever?”

He stood and stared at her. “Don’t,” he said hoarsely, knowing he would never have wanted that for her. “Don’t love me, Noelle. I’m not worth it.”

She looked at him sadly. “Apparently, neither am I.”

* * *

SATURDAY MORNING DEV pretended to work in his home office, but in truth he did little more than stare at a computer screen. From outside came the screams of laughter as six fifteen-year-old girls and Noelle’s other sisters played in the pool.

Part of him wanted to join Noelle and part of him wanted to run for the hills. Being around her had grown more difficult in the past few days.

She never said anything reproachful, never yelled or pouted. But he felt her gaze on him and knew she watched and wondered why he couldn’t simply love her back. She didn’t understand what she asked. She didn’t know how impossible everything had become.

It was only two years, he reminded himself. Surely they could survive that long. Then she would be free to leave and start over.

Except what if she were right? What if she did only ever love him?

He rose and walked out into the family room. From there he could see the backyard and the pool. Noelle sat by the water. Did she avoid the play because she wasn’t in the mood or was she afraid a bathing suit would give away her secret?

She’d lied to everyone she’d ever loved because of him, he thought grimly. She’d wanted to go to her parents and tell them the truth and he’d wanted to take control. He’d known that he had to be a part of the baby’s life, so that he could atone for what he’d done to Jimmy. The decision had seemed right at the time, but now...he wasn’t so sure.

The doorbell rang. He hurried toward the front of the house, grateful for the distraction. But when he opened the door, he knew there was always a price for everything.

A man stood on the doorstep. It had been fourteen years, but despite the increase in gray hair and wrinkles, Dev recognized him.

His father offered him a tentative smile. “Hello, son.”

CHAPTER ELEVEN

NOELLE WALKED INTO the house and found Dev facing down a handsome older man. There was enough tension in the room to strangle an elephant. Seeing as Dev was an experienced executive and used to dealing with lots of difficult people, she was going to go out on a limb and say the guy wasn’t selling magazine subscriptions.

“Noelle,” Dev said between clenched teeth. “I’d like you to meet Jackson Hunter. My father.”

Father? Noelle stared at the older man. Father as in the guy who ran out on his two sons days after their mother died? Father as in the guy who told Dev he had to leave to keep his oldest son from turning out just like him?

“Mr. Hunter,” Noelle said, her tone icy. “This is unexpected.”

The older man smiled at her. “I know, my dear. You have every right to be angry with me. I just hope you’ll understand when an old man comes home to make amends with his only family.”

Noelle opened her mouth and closed it. Dev was his only family, now that Jimmy was gone. Except for the baby. Which meant Jackson was her baby’s grandfather.

She looked into Jackson’s brown eyes and saw a lifetime of pain there. “It’s been a long time,” she said.

“Too long. I wanted to come back before, but I didn’t know how.”

“A plane would be a conventional way of traveling,” Dev said flatly. “A car, if you’re in the area. A boat could work, to the coast, of course.”

Jackson Hunter flinched.

Dev didn’t seem to notice. “If you’ll excuse me, I have work to do,” he said, then left.

Noelle thought about calling him back, but had no idea what to say. These days, she and Dev were barely speaking.

“It’s all right,” his father said. “I wasn’t a very good father while I was around and leaving didn’t improve my status.”

“Dev said you told him you left so he wouldn’t turn out like you,” she said before she could stop herself.

Jackson frowned. “Did I?” He considered the statement. “I don’t think so. It’s true I didn’t want him to be a failure. I could see so much potential in him. I thought if I were out of the way, he could reach that potential. It was my father’s idea. He would take the boys and I...” The old man shrugged. “It was a long time ago. I took the easy way out. Later, I wondered if I should have stayed. But there’s no going back now, is there?”

Noelle didn’t know what to say. This was not how Dev told the story and since he had no reason to lie, she could only assume he’d repeated what he’d heard. His father’s leaving had been his grandfather’s idea?

“Dev’s all I have left,” Jackson continued. “I came as soon as I heard about Jimmy.”

Noelle instinctively touched her stomach. There was more than Dev, but this wasn’t the time to get into that.

“I’m sorry for your loss,” she said automatically.

“Did you know him?” Jackson asked hopefully. “He was so young when I left. What was he like?”

She thought about all she knew about Jimmy and decided that there was no reason for his father to have all the details. “He was funny and charming and far too young to die,” she said quietly. “Even in the service of his country.”

Jackson seemed to age right before her eyes. “My baby boy is gone.” His voice shook as he spoke. Then he cleared his throat and straightened. “I’ve bothered you enough. I’ll be leaving now.”

“You can’t go,” Noelle said impulsively. “Please, stay. My fifteen-year-old sister has just run away from home and settled here, so you’ll have to put up with shrieking girls and loud music. But we have a pool house that is comfortable and a little away from all the action. Let me show you.”

Thirty minutes later Jackson Hunter had carried his two suitcases into the pool house and changed into worn swim trunks and a T-shirt. He joined the girls by the pool where he stunned them all by knowing the words to the song blaring from the radio.

“He’s not staying,” Dev said, coming up to stand beside her in the kitchen as she prepared sandwiches for lunch.

“He’s your father.”

“That’s a technicality.”

“He’s your family. He’s old and he’s here to make amends.”

“That’s not possible.”

She looked at Dev. “Sometimes you are so pigheaded, I just want to shake you. Have you ever considered there are things you don’t know that might change everything?” She hesitated, not sure if she should share what she’d been told, then figured it couldn’t make things worse. “Your father left because he believed you had a future,” she said, then explained what Jackson had told her.

“It wasn’t my grandfather’s idea,” he said heatedly, when she’d finished.

“Why would your father lie?”

“To make himself look better.”

“Calling himself a failure makes him look really good, right?”

Dev frowned. “He wasn’t a failure. He worked at the company until he left. He provided for us. He didn’t fail.”

“Funny how he thinks he did. And that’s before he walked out on his two kids. Imagine how he feels now.”

He narrowed his gaze. “Don’t get in the middle of this, Noelle.”

“I’ll do my best not to,” she said. “In return, maybe you could keep an open mind.”

Dev swore. “He’s been here less than an hour and he’s getting to you. Let’s cut to the chase. The man walked out on his two children right after their mother died. How am I supposed to forgive that?”

“I don’t know,” she told him. “Maybe you start by listening.”

* * *

THE FOLLOWING SATURDAY afternoon Dev found himself invaded by yet more of Tiffany’s friends. There was a chick-flick movie fest going on in the family room and way too much sugar happening in the kitchen. Noelle was at her study group and he couldn’t seem to concentrate on the work he’d brought home.

If it had been Jimmy instead of Tiffany, he would have ordered everyone out and enjoyed the subsequent silence. But as his relationship with his brother had gone so badly, he decided to ignore his instincts. Which left him restless, with nowhere to go.

As he couldn’t stand one more shriek of laughter or the off-tone music from an erupting cell phone, he walked outside, only to be faced by the pool house. His father had been in residence nearly a week and Dev had managed to avoid the man completely. Maybe it was time to change that.

But when he approached the pool house he was surprised to see the door open and Bob, Noelle’s father, sitting on the sofa.

“Dev,” Bob said, spotting him before he could escape. “We were just talking about you.”

“I’ll bet,” Dev said, then stepped inside. “Sir.”

He shook hands with his father-in-law and nodded at his own father.

“Noelle called me a couple of days ago and asked me to stop by,” Bob said. “She seemed to think I might have some insight.”

Dev wasn’t sure how he felt about that. Noelle hadn’t discussed contacting her father with him, but then they weren’t having all that many conversations these days.

“Son.” His father stood and motioned to the small refrigerator in the corner of what was basically a game room/studio apartment. “Can I get you something to drink?”

Several sofas and a large-screen TV dominated the space. There was a Murphy bed against one wall, a kitchenette and a full bathroom.

“I’m good,” Dev said, wishing he’d never come out here. Now there was no way to politely escape. He sat across from his father, on the same sofa as Bob.

“Your dad was just telling me about his travels,” Bob said easily. “He spent a lot of time in the South Pacific.”

“Is that where you went?” Dev asked, not really interested in the details.

“Mostly. I worked in hotels. Ran tours, managed a bar for a while. I moved around a lot. I was never very good at staying in one place.”

He made the statement deliberately, as if daring Dev to comment. Dev didn’t respond.

Jackson continued, “I realized I was looking for roots, when I’d already left them behind.”

Dev fought against feeling any emotion, even when a surge of anger swept through him. Leaving roots behind? Is that how his father characterized leaving two children right after their mother had died?

Bob picked up his can of soda. “A lot of people go looking for what they’ve already had and lost.”

Jackson looked at Dev. “I’m sorry I left, son. I know the words won’t mean much, but I’m speaking from the heart. You and Jimmy were...”

Jimmy! Dev stiffened. “You know what happened to Jimmy?”

“I heard,” his father told him. “Not through the military, of course. You were his next of kin. But I kept in touch with a few friends here and there and they got me word.”

Dev had never felt so torn in his life. Part of him ached with the realization that a man had lost a son, while the rest of him hated Jackson Hunter for keeping in touch with his friends but not his boys.

“There you are,” Noelle said from the door of the pool house. “I came home to a houseful of teenagers and not another adult in sight. It was a little scary.”

“You’re back,” Dev said as he jumped to his feet. He’d never been so grateful for an interruption before in his life.

He crossed to her and pulled her close, then kissed her. “I missed you.”

She smiled quizzically. “I guess you did. I’ll have to go away more so I can get greetings like this again. Hi, Dad. Jackson. How’s it going?”

“Good. I should probably be heading home in a few minutes. Your mother’s making a pot roast tonight and I never miss one of those.”

“I remember.” Noelle wrinkled her nose. “I should do a head count for dinner, myself.”

“Want some help?” Dev asked.

Her blue eyes seemed to see more than they should, but he didn’t care. Anything to get out of this conversation.

“Sure,” she said. “Assuming we can be heard over the movie. It’s so loud in there. You know, you’re allowed to tell them to turn it down. Jackson, want to join us?”

So far his father had avoided meals with the family, but this time, he nodded. “Sure.”

“Good.” Noelle took Dev’s hand and turned toward the house. “Give me a couple of hours to get myself together. Say six?”

“Sounds good.”

“Okay. Daddy, come in and say goodbye before you leave.”

“Will do.”

With that, Dev and Noelle made their way toward the house.

“Are you angry that I asked my dad over?” she asked when they were by the French doors leading inside. Even from out here, he could hear the loud soundtrack on the movie.

“No. Having a third party around is a good idea.”

She stared into his eyes. “He’s just an old man, Dev. He’s not the devil.”

“I’m having trouble reconciling the two thoughts. He lost a son. I never got that before and I feel bad for him.”

“But?”

“But he admitted he’d kept in touch with friends in the area. Why the hell would he be in contact with them and not us? We’re his children. He just walked, Noelle. I don’t care whose idea it was. He just walked.”

She surprised him by leaning forward and wrapping her arms around him. “I know,” she whispered. “I really like him, but then I think about what he did to you and it’s awful. I know I said you should reconcile and I still believe that. It’s the only way to heal those wounds inside, but it’s not going to be easy. I guess we were never promised easy, huh?”

Instead of answering, he bent down and kissed her. Her lips were soft and yielding and she returned the kiss with enough passion to make him resent every person standing between him and some serious private time with the woman in his arms.

“I want you,” he breathed when they came up for air.

Her mouth quivered. “You haven’t wanted me for a long time.”

He rubbed his thumb against her lower lip. “You’re wrong. I always want you. I haven’t acted on it.”

“Why?”

Suddenly he wasn’t sure. “Things were complicated.”

“They always will be,” she told him. “I didn’t ask you to stay away.”

“Then I won’t.”

“Good.” She looked into the family room and sighed. “I need to go take care of that,” she said. “Want to come along for a good screaming?”

“Sure.” He didn’t care about the screaming, but he was interested in how Noelle would handle the situation.

She walked into the house and paused. The volume was so loud, the walls shook. When she moved forward, she bent down, grabbed the remote and hit the pause button.

All seven girls turned to stare at her.

“Let’s be reasonable about the volume,” she said into the silence. “Who’s staying for dinner?”

Two girls raised their hands.

“I want names and phone numbers,” she said. “I’ll be calling home to verify it’s all right.”

“Noelle,” Tiffany protested. “Can’t we just have fun?”

“Apparently not,” her sister said cheerfully. She looked at her watch. “It’s nearly four. Everyone not staying to dinner will be gone by five. For the rest of you, dinner is at six, and curfew is at nine.”

Tiffany groaned. “You’re such a pain.”

“I know, and being a pain is the highlight of my day. Everyone understand?”

The other girls nodded. The two staying for dinner stood and followed Noelle into the kitchen, where Dev knew she would make good on her word and check with their parents. Tiffany’s friends who weren’t hanging around pulled out cell phones and began to make calls to ask to be picked up.

He walked into the kitchen, where she was dialing the phone.

“When did you get so good at this?” he asked.

“I took a class.”

“I’m serious.”

“I don’t know,” she admitted. “I watched my mom handle things. I try to think about what she would have done.”

Too bad her mother hadn’t been around when he’d been screwing things up with Jimmy. Maybe then his brother wouldn’t be dead. Of course, if Jimmy were still alive then he, Dev, wouldn’t be married to Noelle. Despite everything, he couldn’t actually say he didn’t want to be with her. Which meant he was in more trouble than he’d thought.

* * *

NOELLE CAME OUT of the bathroom that night and found Dev sitting up in bed. Since she’d declared her love for him and he’d walked out, they’d slept in the same room, but he’d made sure they never went to bed at the same time. He always came in after she was asleep and was gone before she got up.

She paused in the doorway. “You’re not working late tonight?”

“No.”

Did that mean what she thought it meant? Anticipation fluttered inside of her. She loved him and desired him in equal measures. Having things unsettled between them had been painful. She wanted to be in his arms so much, but at the same time, she was afraid. So much of their relationship confused her. Was it right to give herself to him, knowing he didn’t return her feelings?

Then he smiled at her. The curve of his lips was both apology and invitation. Her gaze dropped to his bare chest and she wondered if he’d pulled on boxers or if he wore nothing at all.

Maybe walking away was the smart thing to do, but Noelle chose to follow her heart. She walked the few steps to the bed, then climbed between the cool sheets.

Dev reached for her and pulled her against his body.

Naked, she thought as need poured through her. Naked and already hard. How was she supposed to resist that?

“Do you want to do this?” he asked as he gazed into her eyes. “I’ll stop if you ask me to.”

“Now why would I do a really stupid thing like that?”

He lowered his head and kissed her. She parted and his tongue swept inside, exploring her, arousing her, making her squirm with need.

Her leg brushed against his arousal. She reached down and traced the hard line of his thigh, then slipped between his legs until she could take him in her hand.

Velvet on steel. She’d read that in a book once and had giggled, alone in her room. But now she got the description completely. The skin was so soft, but underneath that thin layer was a hardness that made her ache to be claimed. She wanted to part her legs and demand that he take her right then. Only if she did that, she would miss out on all the good stuff between now and then. It was not an easy decision to make.

He shifted away, leaving her longing to touch him again. Before she could complain, he tugged her nightgown over her head, then pulled down her panties. He bent over her breasts and took one of her nipples in his mouth.

The combination of moist heat and gentle sucking made her arch her back and bite down on a scream. Pleasure exploded with each tug of his mouth. His tongue teased her sensitive flesh until she was willing to offer anything if he just promised not to stop.

He used his hand to caress her other breast, mimicking the acts of his tongue with his fingers. She let herself fall into the sensation. Between her legs heat and moisture competed for dominance. She wanted him there. She wanted him to keep touching her breasts. She wanted everything he could give her and then she wanted to give it all back to him.

He shifted between her legs, then kissed his way down her rib cage and over the small mound that was the only sign of her pregnancy. She knew what he was going to do—he’d done it once before. That intimate kiss that had pushed her so close to losing control.

She’d held back a little, unsure she could give herself up to him while so vulnerable and exposed, and he’d stopped. While he’d brought her to her release with his fingers, and later by being inside of her, she’d wondered what it would have felt like if he’d kept on going.

She parted her legs for him, then closed her eyes in anticipation of his touch.

Her first warning was the soft whisper of air. Then he licked her from bottom to top in one smooth, gentle movement. A shiver of delight rippled through her. She clutched the sheets and arched her head back as he circled that one special spot, moving closer but not touching.

Delicious, she thought as her muscles tensed and the soles of her feet began to burn. Delicious and exciting and so incredible that she wasn’t sure how she was going to find the strength to hold back this time.

So maybe she wouldn’t. Maybe she would just give in to the whisper touch of his tongue moving back and forth over her swollen center.

Tension filled her. She drew in deeper and deeper breaths. It was as if every cell of her body had all its attention focused on that one spot and what he was doing there.

He moved faster—circling, teasing, sliding across. Everything felt out of her control. She was getting closer. She could feel her muscles clenching as she pushed toward her release. It was so close.

He slipped a finger inside of her. The unexpected action shocked her and she opened her eyes. For a second, she saw the top of his dark head as he pleasured her, then she closed her eyes again, almost embarrassed by what she’d seen.

But the picture of that intimate act stayed with her. The more she thought about it, the more aroused she got. Then he began to move the finger inside of her, sliding it in and out, almost as if he was rubbing her center from underneath while his tongue loved it from above.

She came in a wave of contractions that made her whole body tremble. She could no more have stopped herself than she could have escaped gravity. From head to toe, she experienced wild, intense pleasure that took her breath away.

She wanted to scream her release, but forced herself to hold in her cry. Then, while she was still caught in her release, Dev sat up and plunged into her.

He was thick and hard and filled her until she had no choice but to come again. She needed him, all of him. Without thinking, she grabbed his hips and pulled him to her.

He braced himself and pumped into her over and over again. She parted her thighs more, then wrapped her legs around his hips, doing everything she could think of to pull him all in.

Again and again he filled her, sending more waves crashing through her. It wasn’t possible for her body to feel this much, she thought. Maybe she would never stop. Maybe they could go on forever.

But then he gave one last great thrust and her body shattered into such intense release that she knew she had reached the ultimate moment. His body tensed and she felt him let go inside of her.

She opened her eyes and found him watching her. They gazed at each other, naked and exposed, seeing the truth in each of their souls.

They were both breathing hard. Dev started to move, but she held him in place.

“Not yet,” she whispered. “I want to stay like this for another second.”

He smiled. “Pretty incredible.”

“The best.”

A muscle cramped in her hip and she had to move. In the logistics of postlovemaking, she started to giggle.

“It was hard not to scream,” she whispered. “I had to hold it in so I wouldn’t scare my sister.”

“I appreciate that,” he said as he settled on the mattress next to her and tucked her hair behind her ears. “Having Tiffany walk in would have deflated the moment.”

“It also would have led to a lot of questions. I’m glad I was able to control myself.”

He kissed her forehead. “I’m glad you weren’t.” He studied her. “You’re amazing. You can handle your family, my father, this house, school and you’re incredibly wicked in bed.”

“Wicked?” She liked the sound of that. “Only with you, Dev.”

The words slipped out and she would have given anything to call them back.

“Noelle, don’t,” he said.

“I’m not trying to go there. I don’t want to spoil this.”

“Me, either.”

But the words had been spoken and there was no calling them back. The mood shifted until she found herself saying, “I still love you. Nothing has changed.”

He shifted back onto his side of the bed. “I’ve told you not to.”

“Yeah, that’s going to work.” She raised herself on one elbow and faced him. “What are you so afraid of?”

“I don’t want you getting hurt.”

Which sounded very altruistic, but she wasn’t sure she believed him. “What more could you possibly want from a wife? What need don’t I fulfill?”

It was a dangerous question and an honest answer could emotionally devastate her. Still, she was willing to risk it and hear the truth.

“It’s not you,” he said slowly. “There’s nothing wrong with you. It’s me. I can’t love you.”

She stared at him for a long time and wondered if being told she wasn’t pretty enough or smart enough or sensitive enough would have been easier to deal with. This truth cut deep.

“It’s not that you can’t,” she told him. “It’s that you won’t.”

CHAPTER TWELVE

NOELLE KNOCKED ON her parents’ front door. She’d never done that before—she’d always just burst in. But this was different. Now she didn’t live here anymore.

Her mother answered, then laughed. “Noelle, you might be all grown-up and married, but you’re still my baby girl. You don’t have to knock.”

Noelle opened her mouth to answer, then shocked herself and probably her mother by bursting into tears.

Five minutes later they were both on the worn sofa in the small living room. There was a box of tissues in her lap and her mother’s arms around her.

“Shh,” her mom whispered as they rocked back and forth. “I’m here, honey. I’ll always be here. Whatever it is, we can fix it together.”

“I m-messed up,” Noelle said, her voice breaking with sobs. “I messed up so badly.”

“The first few months of any marriage are difficult. You and Dev will get through it. I know it seems impossible now, but in time, things will get better. The most important thing is you love each other.”

“We d-don’t,” Noelle said as she tried to control her tears. “I mean, I love him, but he doesn’t...”

Her mother straightened and cupped her face. “Of course he loves you. Why else would he marry you?”

Noelle swallowed, then cleared her throat. “Because he thought it was the right thing to do.”

She told her everything. She talked about dating Jimmy and how fast everything had moved. That he’d gone into the army and then been shipped overseas. She glossed over that single night they’d shared, then confessed her pregnancy and how Dev had found out only seconds after she’d seen the truth, herself.

“He took charge,” she said as she wiped her face with another tissue. “I’m not saying I don’t have responsibility in what happened. Of course I do. It’s just I was terrified and he was there, telling me exactly what we should do. He made it sound easy and sensible.” She clutched her hands around the damp wad of tissue. “How disappointed are you?”

Her mother smiled. “I’m not disappointed, Noelle. You gave in to a boy in a moment of passion and emotion. It happens. It’s happened for thousands of years. Smart girls make impulsive decisions that change their lives forever.”

“I thought I loved him,” she admitted. “Or maybe I was just trying to convince myself I did to make my actions seem less stupid. But I didn’t. I love Dev, only he doesn’t want me to. He says we have a deal and that’s the most important thing. Our agreement.”

“Tell me about the agreement,” her mother said.

Noelle explained the details of what Dev had offered. It was hard to admit she’d taken money for having a child she would have had anyway, but...

She stopped. Instead of being angry and shocked, her mother was smiling.

“What are you so happy about?”

Her mother hugged her. “You’re having a baby. My very first grandchild. I was kind of hoping I could be at least forty-five before that happened, but under the circumstances, I’m willing to go with it.”

Noelle blinked. “You’re happy about the baby?”

“Of course. Noelle, you have no idea how wonderful it is to have children. Your life will change forever, but in the best way possible. How far along are you? When are you due? Have you seen a doctor?”

“Three months, early March and yes, Dev and I have been to a doctor. We’ve also signed up for parenting classes and we have every book on pregnancy ever published.”

They hugged again. “Yay, you,” her mother said. “I can’t wait to tell your father.”

“I’m not sure he’ll be as understanding as you’ve been.”

“You might be surprised.” Her mother patted her arm. “Okay, where were you? You married Dev because of the baby. You know you could have come to us and told us what was going on.”

“I know. I wanted to...” She stared at her lap. “I started to, actually.” She explained about the day she’d come home and found her mother crying over the bills and having to leave the church and that she couldn’t bring a baby into the house.

“We would have found a way,” her mom said.

“I know. But I thought marrying Dev was an easier option. Only now I’ve fallen in love with him and he doesn’t want me to.”

“Tell me about that,” her mother said.

“I was so scared at first, but he made everything wonderful.” She talked about how they got to know each other and how the more they knew, the more there was to like.

“I couldn’t believe it was so easy,” she admitted. “We mesh. He even likes peanut butter cookies better than chocolate chip, just like me. He wants to be there for the baby. He’s kind and responsible and...”

“Incredible in bed.”

Noelle felt herself blush. “Mo-om.”

“He must be or it would be a lot easier to leave.”

“That part of our relationship is fine,” she said primly.

Her mother laughed. “My daughter, the prude.”

“I’m not a prude. Sex with Dev is amazing, but you’re my mother.”

“Okay, fine. We’ll talk about that later, when you’ve had time to adjust to the fact that I do it, too.”

Noelle closed her eyes and groaned. “I know. I just don’t want to share details.”

Her mother laughed. “I won’t do that. I promise.” Her smile faded. “What do you want?”

“I want him to love me back. He says he can’t. I think he won’t. He’s had so much happen in his life. His mother dying, his dad leaving.” She talked a little about Jackson Hunter and his unexpected return. “Dev isn’t really dealing with him, although I’m hoping they’ll reconcile. After Dev’s grandfather died, he was responsible for raising Jimmy and that didn’t go well.”

She detailed how Dev blamed himself for his brother’s death.

“From what you’ve said, it seems to me that everyone Dev has loved has either gone away or rejected him or both,” her mother told her.

Noelle hadn’t thought of his past like that, but it was true. Everyone always left or died. Was that the problem? Did he think he couldn’t trust anyone who cared to stick around?

“What about his romantic relationships?” her mother asked. “Did you know much about them?”

“He dated a lot of beautiful women. Never for very long, though. Katherine told me once that he’d been engaged a few years ago. Supposedly he was crazy about her, but she wasn’t willing to marry him and deal with Jimmy.”

“Which means no one has been willing to stick around for Dev,” her mother said slowly. “Maybe that’s your answer.”

“What if he won’t give in? What if he won’t love me back?”

“Happiness isn’t a guarantee, Noelle. You have to decide what you most want and then be willing to work for it. You and Dev have only been married a few weeks. Before that, you’d barely met the man. Give it time. Have faith in him and yourself and the life you’re building together.”

Good advice, Noelle thought, hoping she was able to take it. “I’m sorry I lied about everything.”

“I’m sorry you felt you had to. I’d say next time trust me enough to tell me the truth, but I don’t think there’s going to be a next time.”

Noelle smiled. “I promise I’ll never get into a situation like this again. Are you going to tell Dad?”

Her mother nodded. “But not the girls. They don’t need to know the details of your unusual arrangement.”

“Thanks. Do you think we have a chance?”

“Yes. Don’t give up on him. I like Dev and you know I think you’re wonderful. Be patient and trust your heart.”

“I don’t have a choice,” Noelle said with a sigh. “I love him and I need to be with him.”

“Then you have your answer.”

* * *

DEV GOT HOME from work at his usual time. He braced himself for the auditory onslaught, but the house was quiet. Oddly enough, that made him uneasy. Where was everyone?

He walked into the kitchen, but it was empty and dark. While he wasn’t worried that Noelle had run off, he would feel better if she were home. Had something happened?

He glanced at the answering machine, but the light wasn’t blinking. No messages. If something had happened, she would have called. So she was at study group or the grocery store or with a friend. Maybe she and Tiffany had gone shopping.

He crossed to the refrigerator and pulled it open. The shelves were filled with leftovers, his favorite soda, snacks, ingredients for meals. Before Noelle, he could have stored his winter coat in the space and had plenty of room to spare.

She’d made changes, and not just in the kitchen. She wanted to make more changes, and that’s what he couldn’t let happen.

She insisted on wearing her feelings like a badge of honor. She wanted too much from him. Didn’t she understand that love made a person weak?

He took a soda and popped open the can, then walked toward the bedroom to get changed. As he passed the family room, he heard an odd sound and saw Tiffany curled up on the sofa, obviously crying.

His first instinct was to run. So were his second and third. But she’d already seen him and as much as he didn’t want to deal with her tears, he couldn’t be so heartless as to walk away now.

Great, he thought. This was just great. Where was Noelle? Shouldn’t she be handling this?

He moved into the family room and stopped on the far side of the coffee table. “So, ah, how was your day?”

Tiffany hiccupped a sob and waved her hand.

“I can see you’re upset. Do you, ah, want to talk about it?”

To his horror, she nodded.

Dev swore under his breath and sank into one of the overstuffed chairs opposite the sofa. He set down his briefcase and his drink and forced himself to lean forward to show interest when he would really rather be going through some kind of surgery without being put under.

“You were at camp today, right?” he asked. “Did something happen there?”

Tiffany blew her nose. “There’s a boy and I really like him. He’s been talking to me and he even asked for my number, but today I saw him kissing Amber.”

The last word came out as more of a high-pitched wail. Tiffany covered her face with her hands and began to sob anew.

Dev looked around for someone to rescue him, but even the pool house looked dark and unoccupied. Just his luck that the one time he needed him, his father was gone. No, wait. His father had always been gone.

Different crisis, he thought, staring at Tiffany and knowing he was the last person to be helping her. Still, he couldn’t make himself say “Why don’t you wait until your sister gets home.”

“What’s his name?” Dev asked, stalling for time.

“Justin. He’s really cute and nice and funny. I hate him and I hate Amber.”

The need to bolt was so strong, Dev felt his muscles tense in anticipation. Why him? Why now?

He had no idea what to say. What could possibly comfort Tiffany? Except maybe the truth.

“How old is Justin?”

“Sixteen. He didn’t really want to work in the camp this summer, he wanted to get a job. His parents said he had to for one more year, so they’re paying for the insurance and stuff on his car.” She drew in a shaky breath. “He talked about us driving to the beach but now I bet he’s going to do that with Amber.”

There were more sobs and tears.

“Look, Tiffany,” he said slowly. “All teenage guys are idiots. You wake up one morning and suddenly there are girls in the world. Sure, they were always there but until that moment, you didn’t care. Overnight they became beautiful and mysterious and they smell good.”

She looked at him. “I don’t understand.”

“This is a tough time for you, right? You’re changing, you’re waiting to grow up, you have to make decisions about what to do with your life and you don’t have a clue.”

She nodded. “Why do I have to decide now? What if I pick wrong? Noelle always knew, but she’s perfect.”

He ignored the sullen tone and the dig at Noelle. “Justin is feeling all that, too. Plus, he’s the guy. He’s expected to make the first move, which means he has to risk being rejected.”

“But I’d never reject him!”

“He doesn’t know that. No guy knows what’s going to happen. The more special the girl, the more nervous the guy gets. A lot of times, we start with what’s easy and work our way up to the hard stuff. So maybe we ask out a girl who isn’t the one we’re dreaming of, because it won’t hurt so bad if she says no.”

“You think Justin’s working his way up to me?” Tiffany asked, obviously confused.

“Maybe. Or maybe he’s just a guy who likes leading girls on.”

“No! Justin is amazing. He’d never do that.”

Dev groaned. “Tiffany, do you really know this guy? Have you spent time with him? Or are you taking one look at him and realizing you know deep in your soul exactly what he’s like?”

“I just know,” she breathed.

He wondered if pounding his head against a wall would make any of this easier.

“You don’t know,” he said as gently as he could. “You’re imagining what you want him to be, but you don’t know anything about him. His favorite music, his hobbies, how he treats his friends.”

“But we’re meant to be together. I can feel it. I love him.”

“You love what you want him to be. The guy in your mind has nothing to do with Justin in real life. They may have some things in common and they may not.”

Tears filled her eyes. “You’re being mean on purpose.”

“I’m not, Tiffany. I’m telling you the truth. If Justin flirted with you and asked for your number and now he’s kissing someone else, then he’s a jerk. He likes getting girls interested in him. He doesn’t care about the girl, he wants the attention. You’re too special for that. You deserve a guy who’s interested in you, not the chase. Wouldn’t you like to be with someone who thinks you’re as great as you imagine Justin to be?”

She opened her mouth, then closed it. “What?”

“Wouldn’t you rather be with someone who thinks you’re amazing instead of some jerk who spends his time kissing Amber?”

“There’s someone who thinks I’m special?” she asked quietly.

Dev didn’t doubt that Tiffany was a teenage boy’s idea of paradise. She was pretty, funny, caring and outgoing. He had a feeling that once she went back to school, she was going to be swimming in potential boyfriends. “Sure. The problem is finding him and figuring out if you’re interested in him.”

Tiffany threw herself into his arms. “Thanks, Dev. You’re right. Justin’s stupid. Plus, Amber’s breath always smells. Why would he want to kiss her? I like this other guy a lot better, whoever he is.”

He patted her back, then hastily stood. “Glad I could help. I’m going to get changed.”

“Okay.” She grabbed the remote and turned on the TV. A music video blasted through the room.

Dev walked toward the hallway and was surprised to find Noelle hovering just out of sight.

“When did you get home?” he asked.

“Right around the time you asked the boy’s name.”

“You could have stepped in and saved me.”

She smiled. “You did just fine. Why do you worry about being a good parent? You have excellent instincts.”

“Right. Instincts that got my brother killed.”

“You’re not to blame,” she said earnestly. “Dev, Jimmy made his own choices. You offered guidance and rules and consequences. He wasn’t willing to learn the easy way, so he had to learn the hard way. Eventually, we all have to come to terms with what we’ve done.”

“He didn’t deserve to die,” he told her. “If I’d spent more time with him or hadn’t been so strict...”

“You don’t know that anything would have been different. Jimmy was in trouble from the time he could walk. Maybe it was just his nature.”

“Telling myself that means taking the easy way out.”

“You want to take the hard way?”

“I want to do what’s right. You said yourself that we all have to take responsibility for our choices. I’m taking responsibility for mine. Jimmy’s death is on my hands and I can’t rationalize that truth away.”

* * *

“YOU KNOW TOO many people,” Rachel said under her breath as she passed yet another package.

Noelle looked at the women crowding in her parents’ living room. “I kind of have to agree. I made a list for my mom, but she kept hounding me for more names. I think she invited everyone I ever met and they all said yes.”

What had started out as a small postwedding shower had turned into a giant girl fest with cookies, a big mock wedding cake, fudge and, of course, diet soda.

“I’m glad I got here early,” Crissy said from her spot on Noelle’s other side. “I think the latecomers will be parking a mile away.”

“The good news is,” Rachel said with a grin, “you’ll never fit all the presents in your car. That’s pretty cool.”

“Dev’s coming over later to help me cart everything back.”

Noelle couldn’t believe her “haul,” as Tiffany called it. Not only had every female she’d ever met come to the party, they’d all brought presents. There were mountains of boxes containing everything from place settings to flatware to crystal to a very sexy nightgown from Katherine, her former boss.

“You haven’t said anything about the wedding,” Kelly, a friend from high school, said. “Come on. You ran off. That’s romantic. So what happened. You were hanging out one night and realized you just couldn’t wait another second to be married?”

Noelle had known there would be questions and she hadn’t figured out how to answer them. “Dev and I—” she began, only to be interrupted by her mother.

“There are pictures,” her mom said, waving several photos in the air. “From the wedding. I confess, I’m torn. On the one hand, I missed my firstborn getting married. On the other, I didn’t have to go buy a mother-of-the-bride dress and deal with caterers.”

Everyone laughed and the pictures were passed around.

“Your mom knows?” Crissy asked in a low voice.

Noelle nodded. “I confessed all a few days ago. She’s been great about everything.”

“Including the distractions,” Crissy muttered. “Okay, I’ll take the next one, and Rachel, you’re in charge after that.”

“Thanks,” Noelle told her, then forced herself to smile as Summer pointed out she hadn’t opened the present she was holding.

“Oh, look,” somebody said as Noelle ripped open more wrapping paper. “They’re so in love. You can tell by how they’re looking at each other.”

Noelle smiled in response to the chorus of “ahh” and was grateful the picture wasn’t a close-up. No doubt then the fear would be visible in her eyes. As it was, she didn’t even remember posing for pictures after the short ceremony.

She hated lying to everyone, but under the circumstances, standing up and announcing the truth didn’t seem like such a good idea, either. Her mother had put together the shower before she’d found out why Noelle had married Dev, and once she knew, it was too late to cancel without a lot of awkward explanations.

With help from her friends, she continued opening presents and smiling. An hour or so later, Dev arrived and was instantly surrounded by women eager to congratulate him on his recent marriage and to ask him if he had any single friends.

Noelle escaped to the kitchen on the pretext of getting more cookies. When she reached for one of the trays, she found Dev next to her.

“How are you holding up?” he asked.

“I’m fine.”

“You don’t look fine. You look upset.”

She shrugged. “I don’t like lying to everyone. They think we ran off because we were wildly in love. I even thought about telling them the truth, but I don’t want that information out there. Eventually we’ll have to tell the baby what really happened, but that’s a conversation that we should have when we’re ready. Not because the local gossips are hinting at it.”

“Do their opinions really matter?” he asked.

“I don’t like feeling like a fraud. It wouldn’t be so bad if we could admit what we did and why, but then tell everyone that it’s okay now, because we fell in love with each other. But we didn’t, did we? You don’t.”

He looked uncomfortable. “I’ve explained.”

“No, you haven’t. Not in any way I can understand. So here’s another question in my long list of them. How long, Dev? How long will it take for you to give in? I know it’s a mountain and I’m willing to make the climb. I’m just curious. Is it a beginning level and I just have to walk for a few weeks, or are we talking Mount Everest and I’m not even at base camp?”

“I don’t know how to answer that.”

She picked up a tray of cookies. “I disagree. I think you know exactly what I’m up against, but you don’t want to tell me.”

* * *

BY THE TIME they’d unloaded all the presents from both cars, they’d filled the entire living room with boxes and bags of gifts.

“You’re gonna be writing thank-you notes for days,” Tiffany said, sounding awed by the bounty. “Where are you going to put everything?”

“I have no idea.”

Dev wasn’t sure, either. “We’ll have to clear out a few closets. Maybe some in the hall. I think the buffet in the dining room is empty. We could put the china in there.”

“We got service for sixteen,” Noelle said, sounding shell-shocked by the concept. “I don’t know how to cook for sixteen.”

“We don’t have to have that many over. Or anyone.”

“I’m going to bed,” Tiffany said. “‘Night.”

She walked down the hall. It wasn’t that late. Dev wondered if she were trying to make sure she didn’t get stuck unpacking.

Noelle looked at all the boxes. “I can’t deal with this now. How about we work on this in the morning?”

“Fine with me.”

“I need something to eat,” she said. “Something that doesn’t have sugar in it.”

Once in the kitchen she got out bread and sliced meat. “Want anything?” she asked.

He shook his head.

She moved with a familiarity that told him how thoroughly she’d become a part of his life and how much he’d changed hers. While the former was a good thing, the later was less easily defined.

“I did all this to make things easier,” he said. “That was always my goal.”

She pulled a jar of mustard from the refrigerator. “I know,” she told him, not pretending to misunderstand. “You’re good about doing the right thing.”

“I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“You don’t.”

How was that possible? If she loved him, didn’t his inability to return the emotion cause her pain?

“You don’t hurt me,” she insisted quietly. “Not in the way you mean. You’re not doing anything wrong. You’re following the rules as you wrote them. I went my own way and these are the consequences. It hurts, but I don’t see you as the cause.”

That surprised him. How could she let him off so easily?

But she wasn’t finished.

“What I do blame you for,” she continued, “is trying to make things easier for yourself rather than me. Marrying me is a by-product of what you want. You made the safe choice. You always make the safe choice.”

“Wait a minute. How is marrying you safe?”

Her blue eyes darkened with emotion. “You thought you could have it all. A wife, a child, a marriage and nothing messy. You spelled out all possibilities and dealt with them. When this ended, I was supposed to go my way and you would go yours. Neither of us would look back. You got to have it all and never risk your heart.”

“I married you because of the baby,” he said, doing his best to keep his temper in check. She didn’t know what she was talking about.

“You’re afraid to love,” she said. “With all that’s happened to you, I can see why, but that doesn’t change the fact that you’re a coward.”

“I see,” he said icily. “So working my ass off, raising my brother the best I can, cleaning up his messes even after he’s dead makes me a coward.”

Her face paled. Instantly he realized what he’d said and how she would have felt about it. Guilt sliced through him.

“I’m sorry,” he told her sincerely. “I didn’t mean that the way it came out. You know I didn’t.”

“It’s fine.” Her voice was thick with pain. “It’s good to know where I stand. Just another of Jimmy’s messes.” She closed her eyes for a moment, then opened them. “I take it back, Dev. You have hurt me.”

He took a step toward her. “I didn’t mean to. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. Not the way it did.”

“What did you mean?”

“I meant...” Damn. What could he say? Initially he had thought of her as little more than a problem to be solved.

“How long have you been hiding behind the right thing?” she asked. “How long has responsibility kept you safe? I know why you didn’t get married before. You had Jimmy to hide behind. Your ex-fiancée didn’t run, you pushed her away.”

“You’re wrong,” he said harshly. “You don’t understand.” She couldn’t know what it had been like to be the only one who was willing to do the right thing. She had no idea what it had cost him.

“I understand everything. You used Jimmy to protect yourself from love. You believe that love makes you weak, but you’re wrong. It makes you strong and powerful. Giving our hearts is the most courageous thing we can do. I admired you for so long and now I see you’re just afraid. You’re not willing to make the effort, to take a chance.”

Her words were a light shining in a dark corner. He suddenly saw himself as one of those guys he’d described to Tiffany—one of the ones who wasn’t worth it.

He had no way to defend himself. He had used his brother to hold the world at bay. He’d used circumstances and the company and everything else he could think of because loving meant being left yet again.

They stared at each other for a long time. Finally he broke the silence.

“I wanted to make it right,” he told her. “I wanted to make things easier for you. Instead I’ve only made them more difficult. I’m sorry. I’ll go.”

Her expression tightened. “You’re leaving me?”

“You have your family. You won’t be alone.”

“You’re leaving,” she repeated, not asking a question this time. “I can’t believe it. You screw this up and your answer is to run?”

“I’ll still take responsibility,” he said.

“Of course you do. That’s what you do best. But what if I want you to show up? That’s a whole different story, isn’t it?” She threw up both her hands. “Go. Just go. Don’t worry about the responsibility, Dev. In case you haven’t noticed, I’m good at that, too. I don’t need anyone else to be in charge or handle the details. I need a partner. I need someone willing to love me back.”

She was the strongest, most incredible person he’d ever met. He’d come into this relationship with a list of rules he thought would protect him, but now, faced with losing her, he realized that all the rules in the world weren’t going to help.

But she didn’t see the truth. What if he stayed? What if he allowed himself to love her? He would be weak and then what would she have?

“I’ll stay through the weekend,” he said.

“Don’t bother. If you’re going, go now.”

* * *

NOELLE WATCHED DEV PACK. Each item he put in the suitcase felt like a slap. She couldn’t believe he was really doing this. Leaving. Walking out. Not even trying first.

After a couple of minutes, she figured out she couldn’t stand to see this.

“There is some irony,” she told him from the doorway. “Despite not spending a lot of time with your father, you’re amazingly like him. Here you are, walking out on your family when we need you the most.”

She didn’t wait for an answer. Instead she went outside and sat by the pool.

The night was cool and quiet. She could hear the TV in Tiffany’s room and music coming from the pool house. She also heard the garage door open, Dev’s car back out and then the garage door close.

She sat alone in the silence and told herself she would be fine. She wondered how long it would take before she could believe it.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

BOTH CRISSY AND Rachel responded to Noelle’s early morning calls for help. They all met up at Rachel’s apartment. As it was summer, Rachel wasn’t working and Crissy took the morning off.

“I can’t believe he’s gone,” Noelle said, trying desperately not to cry. She’d spent most of the night in tears and was determined to be done with them. “I know I pushed, but I thought he would push back. I thought he’d care enough to fight for me.”

Crissy and Rachel sat on each side of her, rubbing her back and offering her tissues.

“I know this is hard,” Crissy said, “but you did the right thing. The rules have changed. Dev not acknowledging that doesn’t change the truth of the situation. You’re not where you were. This is no longer a sensible business arrangement.”

“I don’t get it,” Rachel said. “You love him. You’re having his brother’s baby, you’re great together, you have a terrific family. Why wouldn’t he want to be with you? It’s like he finally got everything he wants and now he’s running from it.”

There was a wistful quality to Rachel’s voice. Noelle remembered that her friend had lost her entire family when she’d been twelve and had been raised in foster care. Noelle guessed that Rachel would give anything to be a part of a family willing to claim her as their own.

“I know I did the right thing,” Noelle said. “I just wish it didn’t hurt so much.”

“He’ll come around,” Rachel said.

Noelle looked at her. “Are you sure? Because I’m not.”

“He’s not a stupid man,” Rachel said. “He’s afraid, but give him time. I don’t think he can resist you for very long.”

“And if he does, you can hunt him down like the rodent he is,” Crissy said cheerfully.

Despite everything, Noelle smiled. “I don’t want to hurt him.”

“Too bad, because that would make you feel better.”

Noelle laughed, then groaned in frustration when the laughter turned to tears. “I’m not doing this anymore,” she said as she wiped her face. “I’m done crying over him.”

Crissy and Rachel exchanged a glance. “Do you want us to say he’s a jerk?” Crissy asked.

“I don’t think it will help,” Noelle admitted. “That’s the worst of it. He’s not a total loser. I know he’s going to be there for the baby and me. He’ll take responsibility, because that’s what he does best. He’ll change diapers and help with baths and do everything right except love me.” She swallowed. “What if it’s not just me? What if he won’t love the baby, either?”

“He loved Jimmy,” Rachel said. “The baby will be his family. He can’t escape that.”

Maybe Dev couldn’t escape, Noelle thought sadly, but he’d just proved to her he could run. What happened the next time things got hard? Would he be like his father and take off forever?

Everything she knew about him told her she could trust him, but until last night, she would never have guessed he could walk out on her the way he had. If she’d been wrong before, chances are she could be wrong again.

* * *

DEV FOUND HIMSELF spending lots of time at the office, but he wasn’t getting any work done. He missed Noelle. No, that wasn’t right. He ached for her and he still didn’t know what had happened between them. When had everything gone so wrong?

He lived his day knowing leaving had been the right thing, but wanting desperately to go back to her. But how could he if he couldn’t give her the one thing she wanted most? He refused to let her live a life of unhappiness, the way his mother had.

There had been times when—

The door to his office opened and his father walked in. Dev rose to his feet, intent on getting rid of the man as quickly as possible, then he sank back into his seat. What was the point? He’d screwed up every other relationship in his life, maybe it was time to confess all and screw up this one, too.

“I’d ask how it’s going,” his father said as he settled in a chair across from Dev’s. “Only I can imagine. She’s upset, you’re upset. This really sucks.”

The summation would have been humorous if it hadn’t been so accurate and painful. “It’s all my fault,” Dev said.

“I doubt that.” His father sipped on the cup of coffee he’d brought in with him. “It generally takes two to mess up a relationship.”

“Not in this case,” Dev said, then drew in a breath. “Not with Jimmy, either.”

He told his father what had happened to his youngest son. How Jimmy had been in and out of trouble, how he, Dev, had tried to convince him to change his ways. How in the end, Dev had given him a choice of military service or jail. How he’d been responsible for Jimmy’s death.

When he was finished, his father gazed at him for a long time.

“I was right there with you, son, until that last bit.” He took another sip of the coffee. “Jimmy always chose the hardest path. I could see it, even when he was five or six. He hated rules, he tested everyone around him. If there was an easy way and a hard way, Jimmy found the hard way.”

“I’m the one who issued the ultimatum,” Dev said, wishing for the millionth time he could have that moment back.

“You didn’t steal for him and you didn’t shoot him. Dev, Jimmy’s course was set a long time ago. You couldn’t save him by staying and I couldn’t save him by leaving.”

Dev stared at his father. “What are you talking about?”

“I left because of Jimmy. I thought maybe if I wasn’t around to be a bad influence, he’d do better. My father said he could make things right with Jimmy and I believed him.”

“That’s not true,” Dev said angrily. “You said you were leaving so I wouldn’t turn out like you. I was the reason you left.”

His father frowned. “Noelle mentioned something about that. I...” The older man swore. “Dev, I am so sorry. You were sharing a room. Do you remember? Jimmy was having nightmares after his mother died, so we put that air mattress into your room. The night I came to say goodbye, I was talking to Jimmy, not you.”

Dev didn’t have to close his eyes to remember that night. It had been late, well after midnight, and he’d awakened to find his father standing in the doorway. The hall light had been on and his father’s face had been in shadow. Dev hadn’t been able to read his dad’s expression, but he still remembered the pain of his father’s words. Words not even meant for him.

“I thought you left because of me,” he repeated slowly.

His father half rose, then sank back into his chair. “That explains a lot. I wondered why you never wrote me back. I knew you’d be angry and hurt because of my leaving. I just didn’t know...” Jackson Hunter suddenly looked old and broken.

“Why would I ever worry about you turning out like me?” his father asked. “You’re too much like your grandfather for that to happen.”

There was something about the way he made the statement. “Didn’t you and your father get along?”

Jackson laughed. “About as well as you and Jimmy. He wanted me to follow in his footsteps. To be responsible and take over the company. I wasn’t interested in that.” He shrugged. “Or anything. I lacked ambition. Your grandfather couldn’t forgive that.”

Dev couldn’t get his mind around the information. From the time he was sixteen years old, he’d defined himself by his father’s words. To not turn out like him. But as he hadn’t known what his father meant, the path had been shaded and confusing.

“I screwed up,” his father said. “By trying not to screw up, I made things worse. I’m sorry, Dev. If I’d known, I would have stayed and...” He paused and took a sip of his coffee. “Sorry, no. That’s crap. I would have left anyway.”

“Because of Mom?”

His father nodded. “That’s my guilt.”

“You didn’t love her,” Dev said, confident of this fact. “Why didn’t you? It was all she ever wanted.”

He didn’t want to say more, or accuse too strongly. He had his own demons in the not-loving department.

“I did love her,” his father said slowly. “As much as I could. But it wasn’t enough. She was a black hole of emotion. She wanted to suck the life out of me and even that wasn’t enough. Early on, I thought her neediness was charming. It made me feel like a man to take care of her. But after a while, I found I couldn’t breathe without being strangled.”

Dev didn’t know what to say. His father’s words had nothing to do with the warm, loving memories he had. His mother had always been there for him. She’d waited until he got home from school and then she’d wanted them to be together constantly until his father got home. They’d played games and talked.

He frowned. Now that he thought about it, he realized his mother hadn’t wanted him to bring friends home, nor had she liked him to go hang out at someone else’s house. About the time he’d started to rebel against that, Jimmy had been old enough to claim his mother’s attention with his activities.

“No matter what I did, it wasn’t enough,” his father said. “She slowly cut me off from my friends until she was the only one I saw. I knew we’d reached the end when she admitted that she wanted me to quit my job and stay home with her twenty-four hours a day. I knew that was a symptom of something being very wrong. I tried to get her help but she refused. So I ran. Emotionally at least.”

Dev nodded slowly. He’d been about twelve or thirteen when his father had pretty much stopped showing up at home. That’s when his mother started to go downhill. He remembered hearing her crying all night, waiting for a man who wasn’t coming back.

“I took the easy way out,” his father said. “I’m not proud of that. I let you and Jimmy down, I let my father down, although he was used to that. He’d been disappointed in me since the day I was born.”

“Dad, no,” Dev said.

“It’s true. I didn’t care about the company, I wasn’t interested in finance or engineering or any part of the business. Oh, I liked the money well enough. I still do. Those monthly checks keep me going.”

Dev didn’t know what to do with all the information. There had been too much in too short a period of time.

“You’ve done well,” his father said unexpectedly. “For what it’s worth, I’m proud of you. Your grandfather would have been proud, too. You’ve grown his company in ways he never could.”

“I... Don’t be proud of me,” Dev told him.

His father sighed impatiently. “Dammit, Dev, quit being a martyr. If you have to claim some trait from your mother, for God’s sake pick something else. You didn’t kill your brother.”

Dev stood. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Of course I do. Let it go, or the guilt will kill you. You’re not like me. You can’t turn your back on the people you’ve hurt and still live your life. It’ll eat you up inside. You’ve got something good with Noelle. Drop the past and move on.”

Dev sank back into the chair. “I don’t have Noelle.”

“Of course you do. She loves you. Anyone can see that.”

“It’s not what you think. The reason I married her, I mean.” He quickly told the story of Noelle’s relationship with Jimmy and subsequent pregnancy.

“It’s a marriage of convenience,” Dev concluded.

His father looked surprised by the information but he recovered quickly. “It may have started out that way, but it isn’t anymore. She loves you and I think you love her. Only you’re acting like a jackass. An unfortunate trait you get from me. The good news is Noelle’s heart is bigger than her sense of self-preservation. You haven’t blown it completely. You can still get her back.”

“What if I don’t want her back?”

“Then you’re a fool. You won’t do better.”

“I don’t expect to do better. I expect her to find someone who can be all she needs.”

His father finished his coffee and tossed the container into the trash by the desk. “You’re willing to let another man touch her and tell her he loves her? You’re willing to let someone else raise Jimmy’s child.”

Dev’s chest tightened. He didn’t want any of that. He especially didn’t want Noelle curled up in another bed, laughing after an amazing night of lovemaking. He didn’t want her making peanut butter cookies for another man, or talking about her day or...

“If I love her, then I’ll break,” he said quietly.

“Love isn’t for sissies,” his father told him. “So you break. Noelle helps you put the pieces back together and you move on.”

“As simple as that,” Dev said, refusing to believe it was possible.

“Why make it complicated? You found an amazing woman, Dev. You got lucky. You’ve always been smart. Why be stupid now?”

“You make it sound so easy.”

“It’s not. But it’s worth it.”

“Have you been in love?” Dev asked.

His father nodded. “Twice. Once with your mother, until she crushed the feeling out of me, and once a few years ago. But she belonged to someone else and she wouldn’t consider leaving him. Love doesn’t come along all that often. When it does, you should grab on with both hands and never let go.”

* * *

NOELLE HAD YET to get used to having Dev gone. With Tiffany around, the house was never quiet, but there was definitely something missing. At night her bed seemed too big for one person and she couldn’t seem to get to sleep. Pathetically, she’d taken to wearing one of Dev’s T-shirts instead of pjs, so that she could pretend to be close to him.

She felt emotionally exhausted. So much had happened in the past few weeks. She’d been living a roller-coaster life and part of her just wanted to get off and slow down for a while. But that scenario didn’t include having Dev walk out on her. Instead, she would prefer that the two of them were together, falling deeper in love, discovering how great it was to be married.

“Stupid fantasy,” she murmured as she whipped up a batch of brownies on Thursday morning.

She’d just put the glass pan into the oven, when Tiffany walked into the kitchen and announced, “I’m leaving. I’m going back home. Mom’s coming to pick me up in an hour.”

Noelle was torn between amusement at her sister’s self-made drama and the uncomfortable realization that she was one person closer to being totally alone.

“Okay,” she said. “I’ve enjoyed having you here.”

“I guess I have to thank you for letting me stay,” Tiffany said, not sounding the least bit gracious. “But you weren’t very fun. There are too many rules here. Even Mom doesn’t have this many rules.”

Noelle didn’t bother pointing out that she and her mother had exactly the same rules. If Tiffany needed that as an excuse to go home, Noelle was all for it.

“Are you all packed?” she asked her sister. “Do you need any help?”

Tiffany’s eyes filled with tears. “You’re happy to see me go, aren’t you? You’ve hated having me here.”

“What? No.” Noelle moved close and touched her arm. “Tiff, I’ve really liked having you here. It’s been fun being in the same house again. I’ve missed that. I’m not trying to push you out. I just know that when you’ve made up your mind, it’s made up. My offer to help you pack was just that. An offer to help.”

Tiffany didn’t look convinced. “You shouldn’t be like that. All stiff and full of rules. I know it’s why Dev left.”

Noelle knew her sister was lashing out, hurting in return for being hurt. It didn’t matter that Noelle hadn’t meant to wound. Still, the words did what they were supposed to.

“Dev left for a lot of complicated reasons,” she said quietly.

“He left because you have too many rules and you’re no fun. He was hardly ever home. He didn’t want to be around you.”

Tiffany’s angry outburst articulated every one of Noelle’s personal fears. She ached inside for what she’d wanted and lost without ever having.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Noelle told her.

“See,” Tiffany said. “You don’t even care that he’s gone. You’re not crying. Why aren’t you crying?”

It was too difficult to explain that there weren’t any tears left. Not for Dev or their relationship. Noelle wasn’t sure how to fix things because she was still having trouble figuring out the problem.

“This isn’t about you,” Noelle said. “This is about Dev and me. I’m not going to talk about it.”

“He left because of me, didn’t he?” Tiffany asked as she sank onto the floor. “I was too much trouble. It’s all my fault.”

Noelle sighed. Of course. Her sister was all bravado, but behind that brave face was a typical, confused teenager.

She crouched down and pulled Tiffany close. “Dev’s leaving had nothing to do with you. Even if you’d never been born, he would have gone away.”

Tiffany stared at her. “Promise?”

Noelle kissed the top of her head. “Cross my heart.”

“He shouldn’t have left. That wasn’t very nice. Mom says all newly married couples have problems and the only way to work them out is to live through them.”

“Good advice.”

“You should tell Dev. Or have Mom talk to him. Then he’ll come back and you can be happy again.”

“An interesting idea,” Noelle said, not yet ready to send her mother in to clean up this mess. “Whatever happens with Dev, you don’t have to go if you don’t want to.”

Tiffany sniffed. “I’ve had a good time being with you, but I kinda miss home. You know, my room and stuff. Plus, there’s only a few more weeks until Lily leaves for college and I’d like to spend time with her and Summer.” She shifted onto her knees. “I know. With Dev gone, you could move back, too. It could be like before.”

Noelle glanced at her wedding band. “It can never be like it was before. I’m married now.” And pregnant, she thought, knowing it was about time to tell everyone there would be a baby in the new year.

Tiffany sighed. “I always thought growing up would be really cool, but it isn’t always, is it?”

Noelle smiled at her. “Honestly, sometimes being an adult is a total drag.”

* * *

NOELLE TRIED TO read a magazine in the doctor’s office, but she couldn’t focus. Her appointment was for her first ultrasound and she was five different kinds of nervous.

Logically she knew everything was fine. Why wouldn’t it be? But this was new and strange and scary and she was by herself.

She’d thought about asking her mom to come along, but she’d started a new job only a couple of weeks before and Noelle didn’t want her to have to take time off so soon. When the appointment had been made, Noelle had assumed Dev would be with her. That would have been plenty of moral support.

She set down the magazine and picked up another one with a cute baby on the cover. Her child was growing inside of her. She still had virtually no symptoms except for the fact that her stomach was getting bigger. She kept waiting for morning sickness or breast tenderness, but so far, nothing.

The door to the waiting room opened. Noelle glanced up, then nearly fell off her chair when Dev walked in. He crossed to where she was sitting and took the chair next to hers.

“You’re here,” she said, and then felt foolish for stating the obvious.

“You have an appointment. I wanted to be with you for the ultrasound.”

He looked different, she thought as she stared at his face, noting shadows that hadn’t been there before. Did he look thinner and more tired? Or was she just hoping that he was missing her?

Maybe she was an idiot, but she couldn’t help being happy to see him. She wanted to touch him and talk to him. She wanted to know everything he’d been doing. It felt as if they’d been apart a year instead of six days.

“How are you doing?” he asked. “Are you feeling all right?”

“I’m good. Busy with my class. Tiffany moved out. Apparently she finally missed home.”

What she really wanted to say was that she missed him with a desperation that couldn’t be explained in just words. That she wanted him back home, in her life and in her bed. That she would try to love him a little less if he would try to love her a little more and maybe they could meet in the middle.

Instead she asked, “How are you doing?”

“Good. I have suppliers in from China. I’ve been in meetings with them most of the week.” He glanced at his watch. “Katherine is taking them on a tour of the city and we’re getting back together when I’m done here.”

He sounded busy. “You didn’t have to come.”

He took her hand. “I wanted to. Noelle, there are some things I need to talk to you about. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking.”

Her chest gave a little squeeze of hope. “About good things or bad things?” she asked.

He smiled. “Important things. My suppliers are leaving tomorrow. Can I come by in the afternoon and we’ll talk?”

Only if he was going to tell her that he wanted to try again. She didn’t think she could handle him suggesting they get a divorce now.

“I’ll be home,” she said. “Can you give me a hint as to the topic?”

Just then a nurse stepped into the waiting room and called her name.

Timing, Noelle thought glumly. Life was all about timing.

* * *

TWENTY MINUTES LATER Noelle was on the table with Dev at her side, clutching her hand as tightly as she was clutching his.

“Okay, we’re going to go through this slowly,” the technician said. “I’ll explain what we’re seeing.” She smiled. “It’s not always intuitive. And to answer the question I nearly always get on a first ultrasound, yes, that’s really a baby.”

She showed them the baby’s head and spine. “It’s too early to know the gender, but you two need to decide if you want to know in advance or not.”

Noelle looked at Dev. “What do you think?”

He shook his head. “I’m still grasping the fact that we’re having a baby. It’s real.”

She smiled. “Soon we’ll have the dirty diapers to prove it.”

The technician hesitated, then set down her wand. “I’ll be right back.”

She left. Noelle stared at the now blank monitor. “I don’t know who thought this machine up, but it’s great. I can’t wait until I’m further along and we can see more of the baby. I can’t decide about the gender thing. It would be nice to have the room ready, but I also like the idea of a surprise.”

Dev bent down and kissed her. Anything else she’d planned on saying flew out of her brain.

The technician returned, along with the doctor.

“All right,” the doctor said. “Now I want you both to take a deep breath. I’m sure everything is fine.” She picked up the wand and turned on the screen, then moved the wand over Noelle’s stomach.

Noelle felt a sudden rush of cold. “You’re saying something could be wrong with the baby? It’s not growing right?”

Dev’s fingers tightened around her own. She looked at him and saw fear in his eyes.

“I don’t know,” her doctor admitted. “To be sure, I’d like to do an amniocentesis. Are you familiar with that? The results take about two to three weeks and will let us know if everything is all right.”

Noelle stared at Dev. This couldn’t be happening, she thought frantically. Not the baby.

“It’s going to be fine,” he told her, looking into her eyes with such incredible focus, she knew he could actually will it to be true.

“I’m scared.”

“Me, too. But we’re in this together.”

* * *

NOELLE STILL FELT numb with shock as she and Dev left the doctor’s office. They’d been reassured that everything was probably all right and better to be safe and all that, but she wasn’t feeling very safe.

“I’ll follow you home,” Dev said as he pulled out his cell phone.

“What?” She looked at him. “I’m okay.”

“You’re not. I’ll call Katherine and explain I won’t be coming back. She can handle our suppliers for the rest of the day.”

As much as Noelle would have liked the company, she also felt a strong need to be alone. To figure out what all this meant to her.

“I’m fine,” she said. “Really. I just want to go home and rest for a while. You go ahead and deal with your people. We can talk another time.”

“I don’t think you should be by yourself.”

She forced herself to smile. Strength was required, she told herself. For all she knew, Dev had been planning to tell her he was never coming back.

“There’s nothing either of us can do,” she pointed out. “We can’t change what is happening with the baby. We’ll find out when the results are in. In the meantime, I’m going to assume everything is fine and live my life. You go back to work.”

“You can’t mean that.”

“Of course I do. I’m seriously all right, Dev. I promise.”

He didn’t look like he believed her, but he did put away his cell phone. “I still want to come over tomorrow.”

“That’s fine. I’ll be home all afternoon.”

He walked her to her car, then kissed her cheek. “If you change your mind, call me. I’ll be right there.”

“I appreciate that, but don’t worry. Go.”

She gave him a little push toward his car, then slid into her own. As he walked away, she felt the fear return. It crashed over her, draining her of everything but the ability to breathe and wait. How would she ever survive two or three weeks of not knowing?

Dev turned back to look at her. She gave him a smile and a wave and wondered when, exactly, she’d turned into such a good liar.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

NOELLE MANAGED TO get through the day without too much trouble, but night was another matter. She put off getting into bed until she was exhausted, but the second she lay down on the cool, clean sheets, her entire body went on alert.

Her heart raced, her head filled with questions and fear claimed her. It moved through her body like a living creature, stealing away breath and hope and will. She knew she had to fight the sensation, that she had to stay strong and try to relax, but it was impossible.

What if something was wrong with the baby? She was pretty sure she could stand anything but losing it. Medical problems could be fixed. Other kinds of problems could be dealt with. But not having a baby at all was unbearable.

She turned onto her side and curled up as tightly as she could, as if she could use the rest of her body to shield what was growing inside. She felt lost and alone and knew nothing would ever be all right until she heard from the doctor with good news.

“Please God,” she prayed silently over and over. “Let everything be okay with the baby. Please.”

She waited for the peace that usually followed her quiet, spiritual times, but there was only the low-grade gnawing that drained her of everything but terror. She’d left on a lamp on the nightstand, but even the soft glow in the room did nothing to chase away the shadows in her heart.

She fought against tears. To give in now would be to let the fear win. Strong, she told herself. She would be strong and powerful. The reality was, she didn’t know anything, so why assume the worst?

But it was hard to be brave, so very hard. She ached inside and out. She felt cold and lost and—

The bedroom door opened. Before she could react, she saw Dev enter the room.

He crossed to the bed, kicked off his shoes, then joined her on the mattress. Without saying anything, he gathered her in his arms and held her close.

“You’re not alone,” he whispered. “I’m here, too. We’ll get through this the same way we started. Together.”

He felt warm and strong and alive. She let herself hold on to him, her head resting on his shoulder, her legs comfortably trapped by his.

“I’m scared,” she admitted. “Really, really scared.”

“Me, too. I shouldn’t have gone back to work. I should have been here for you.”

“I was okay until I came to bed.”

“I wasn’t,” he told her. “I couldn’t concentrate. I kept thinking about you and the baby and wondering if I made this happen by thinking this was just another one of Jimmy’s messes I had to clean up.”

She raised her head and looked at him. “Life isn’t like that. Not only doesn’t the universe punish you for what you think, you simply don’t have that much power. You can’t think something wrong or better. Things simply are.”

“I know that in my head,” he said. “I’m sorry I said it to you. I’m sorry I thought it in the first place. For a long time the baby wasn’t real to me. It was a fact, something to handle. But not a real person.”

She understood that. For her the baby had been an intellectual exercise, too. “Things changed,” she said.

He nodded. “That first visit to the doctor made the baby real. It also terrified me. I wasn’t ready to be a father. Not because I don’t want to be tied down, but because I don’t want to mess up. I want to do everything right.”

“That’s not going to happen. None of us is perfect. We make mistakes. The point is to never stop trying to be the best we can be. Especially when there’s a child in the mix.”

“You are the wisest person I know,” he told her.

She managed a smile. “Then you need to get out more.”

He chuckled. “I mean it. You’re amazing. I loved my brother and I’m sorry he’s gone, but if he’d lived and you two had gotten married, he never would have realized how lucky he was.”

Her heart fluttered and for the first time in several hours, it wasn’t with fear. “We might have made it.”

“I don’t want to think about that,” Dev admitted. “I don’t want to think about you with someone else. What if you had married Jimmy? We would have met and become friends. I would have thought you were great.”

“I would have thought the same,” she admitted, not sure where the conversation was going, but wanting to be there for the ride.

“But you would have been focused on him and I would have been...” He touched her cheek. “I would have been screwed. I would have woken up one morning and realized I was completely and totally in love with the woman married to my brother.”

She forgot to breathe. “Dev...”

His dark gaze locked with hers. “I love you, Noelle. I’m sorry I was such an idiot about everything. That it took me so long to figure things out. I can give you all the reasons, if you’d like.”

Hope grew. The white light of it burned away the fear. “The reasons would be nice,” she said.

He smiled. “You deserve them. Okay, for the longest time I’ve thought that love makes a person weak. I thought my mother died of a broken heart. I’d forgotten how she’d twisted love in her mind until there was only duty and service. I’d forgotten how grateful I was when she died and I didn’t have to feel guilty all the time about not pleasing her enough. Then I felt horrible for wanting her gone and I thought I’d had something to do with her getting sick. I never sat down and worked it out. I just had undefined feelings that made me uncomfortable about getting close.”

He tucked her hair behind her ears. “Jimmy was another complication. I didn’t know what to do with him. How to make him better. My dad says some people are just born to take the hard road and that Jimmy’s one of them. I still have to think on that. But the message I still got from that was love makes you weak. Then I met you.”

“Technically we ran into each other.”

“That’s right. And I’ll be grateful for the rest of my life. Noelle, you have shown me that real love makes a person strong. Your power comes from faith and love. It always has. I don’t know why you’ve chosen to love me, but I don’t want that to ever change. I’m sorry for what I put you through and I hope you can forgive me. I’m willing to work at proving myself. Just tell me what you want me to do.”

If she hadn’t been held in his arms, she might have floated away. “You don’t have to do anything,” she said. “Except promise to move back and never go away again.”

“That’s it?” He almost sounded disappointed.

“You have to promise to love me forever and always be willing to keep our marriage strong.”

“Done.” He stared at her. “Just like that? No other tests?”

“I don’t want to test you, Dev. I just want us to be together. You had to find your way here on your path, just like I did. What matters to me is that we’re here and we’re together.”

“I don’t deserve you,” he said, then kissed her.

Their lips met as if to seal a promise each had made. She felt his love wash over her, healing her dark places and pushing back the last of the fear.

“We’ll get through this,” he said, moving his hand to her belly. “Whatever happens, we’ll deal with it together.”

“I know. With you here, I can stand whatever happens.”

His dark eyes brightened with determination. “This baby is going to be fine. So is the next and the next.”

She smiled. “How many are you planning?”

“I’m not sure. How many do you want?”

“Let’s start with two and work our way up from there.”

He pulled her close. “Never leave me. I couldn’t survive that.”

“I won’t,” she promised. “You’re my world. Why would I want to be anywhere else?”

“Then you’ll marry me?”

She held up her left hand, then pointed at his. “I hate to break this to you, but we’re already married.”

“We got married for a lot of reasons, but none of them were about being in love and wanting to commit to each other. I want a real marriage, Noelle. I want it lousy and messy and passionate and imperfect. I want to fight and make up and have plans and build a life that makes us happy every day.”

His words touched her deep inside. “I want that, too. But I’m not sure about getting married.”

He looked so shocked, she started to laugh. “I’m kidding,” she said. “Yes, I want to be married to you.”

“You’d better be,” he growled, then kissed her again. “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” she said. “You’re exactly where I’ve always wanted to be.”

EPILOGUE

Eighteen months later

THE CAKE WAS impossibly large for a one-year-old child, Noelle thought humorously, yet little Mindy was far more interested in impressing everyone with her ability to walk and her ability to speak...sort of.

She was also distracted by the constant bursts of laughter from the teenage contingent across the yard.

“Don’t you even think of growing up,” Noelle said, sweeping her daughter up into her arms and raining kisses on her cheeks and forehead. “You’re going to be my little girl forever.”

“If only,” her mother said as she carried out a tray of sandwiches. “Enjoy this time. It all goes so fast. I still remember your first birthday.”

Her mother got a little misty which, now that she was a mother herself, Noelle completely understood.

The Sunday afternoon was surprisingly warm for March, which was why they’d been able to hold the celebration outside. Now Mindy squirmed to get down, then walked to her grandmother and held up both her arms.

“Up,” the little girl said. “G’ma up.”

“Did you say Grandma?” Noelle’s mother picked up the toddler and swung her in a circle. “Bob,” she called to where the guys were standing around the barbecue and talking. “She said grandma.”

Noelle’s father grumbled. “She still likes me best.”

“Of course she does, dear. I think we need to get more pictures. Come on, you sweet little angel. Let’s go inside and get the camera. There can never be too many pictures of my very first granddaughter, can there?”

Mindy laughed.

Noelle watched them go into the house. She felt deep contentment and a sense of everything in her world being where it should be.

After three grueling weeks of waiting for the results of the amniocentesis, the time made bearable only by Dev’s constant and devoted presence, they’d learned that the baby was perfectly healthy in every way. Mindy had arrived right on time and she’d grown into a bright, happy little girl.

Dev walked over and put his arm around her. “What are you thinking?”

“That we have a very good life.” She nodded at his father. “I’m glad Jackson bought that house down the street. I like having him close.”

“Me, too,” Dev said. “Although what he’s going to do with a place that big is beyond me.”

“He might get married again.”

“That would be good. I’d like him to find someone.”

They’d come so far, she thought happily. She had graduated from community college in January, on schedule, and had already started at UC Riverside. Her classload was light enough to let her spend plenty of time with Mindy. When her daughter had to be left with someone, Noelle used the church day care or one of the many volunteers. There was her mother, Dev’s father, or her sisters.

Dev had provided all three of her sisters with college scholarships, allowing her mother to go back to the work she loved at the church.

“We’re very blessed,” she said.

Dev hugged her close. “Yes, we are.”

She smiled. “I know it’s Mindy’s birthday, but I have a present for you.”

He raised his eyebrows. “I had my present last night.”

“You can have it again tonight, if you want, but this is something different.” She paused. “Actually, I guess they’re related.”

“Are you going to tell me what you’re talking about?” he asked teasingly. “Or do I have to guess?”

“I’ll tell you.” She took his hand and placed it on her stomach. “I’m thinking September. Maybe this time we’ll have a boy.”

Dev swept her up in his arms and swung her around. Then he set her on the ground and kissed her so thoroughly, she felt light-headed. Around them, no one paid attention. Their families were used to this kind of display.

She and Dev would share their happy news later, she thought as her husband kissed her again. Mindy would enjoy being a big sister.

Sometimes, she thought happily, life really was a miracle.

* * * * *

Noelle now has Dev and the family she’s always dreamed of, but what about her best friends, Rachel and Crissy? In Circle of Friends Part 3, prim and proper kindergarten teacher Rachel finds herself having an unthinkable one-night stand with undercover cop Carter Brockett. Now she’s too embarrassed for words. Well, she’d better find the words, because along with his cell number, Carter left Rachel with an extra surprise... Start knitting those baby boots, Rachel!

ISBN-13: 9781488024603

Circle of Friends: Part 2 of 6

First published as Having Her Boss’s Baby

This edition published 2016

Copyright © 2006 by Susan Macias Redmond

All rights reserved. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of publisher, Harlequin Enterprises Limited, 225 Duncan Mill Road, Don Mills, Ontario, Canada M3B 3K9.

All characters in this book have no existence outside the imagination of the author and have no relation whatsoever to anyone bearing the same name or names. They are not even distantly inspired by any individual known or unknown to the author, and all incidents are pure invention.

This edition published by arrangement with Harlequin Books S.A.

® and ™ are trademarks of the publisher. Trademarks indicated with ® are registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office, the Canadian Intellectual Property Office and in other countries.

www.Harlequin.com

CIRCLE OF FRIENDS:
Part 3 of 6

Susan Mallery

Contents

CHAPTER ONE

CHAPTER TWO

CHAPTER THREE

CHAPTER FOUR

CHAPTER FIVE

CHAPTER SIX

CHAPTER SEVEN

CHAPTER EIGHT (Beginning)

Noelle, Rachel and Crissy are the best of friends. Who knew joining a knitting class would result in such close friends to lean on in times of need? Noelle relied on Rachel and Crissy when she found herself pregnant. Soon Rachel will need Noelle and Crissy, because one night of passion changes everything for the prim and proper kindergarten teacher...

CHAPTER ONE

RACHEL HARPER HAD always longed to be more sophisticated. It was right there on her to-do list between “be more aware of current events” and “don’t let your hand-washing pile up so much.”

While she had started watching the national news nearly every night, she wasn’t doing so well keeping up with her delicates. And the sophistication thing? A total loss.

Which was why she found herself, at the ripe old age of twenty-five, sitting in a bar and feeling as if she didn’t have a clue as to how to act. Not that she was here to do normal barlike things. Instead, she’d agreed to accompany Diane, a new teacher at her school, who was breaking up with her boyfriend and had asked Rachel to come along for moral support. As the next item of Rachel’s to-do list—right under the issue with the hand-washing—was “get out more,” she’d agreed to tag along to the Blue Dog Bar.

Rachel wasn’t sure what dog, blue or not, had inspired the name. There seemed to be a lot more men than women in the bar. She swirled the margarita she’d ordered, then took a big sip.

“The jerk isn’t even going to show up,” Diane said from her seat across the small table they’d chosen by the wall. “That is so like him. I swear, I’m going to kick him in the head when I see him.” Diane paused, then smiled. “See, I’m talking in ‘I’ sentences, just like that book said.”

“Yes, you are,” Rachel murmured, deciding not to point out that the “I” sentences the self-help manual referred to probably didn’t fall into the “I’m going to kick you in the head” category.

“There he is,” Diane said as she stood. “Wish me luck.”

Rachel glanced at the tall, dark-haired man who strolled into the bar, looking as if he could take just about every other guy there. “Good luck,” she said and meant it.

* * *

CARTER BROCKETT EYED the curvy brunette in the prim dress and knew he was seconds away from all kinds of trouble. The cool, logical side of his brain reminded him that all the pain and suffering in his life could be traced back to one source: women. Life was always better when he walked away.

The part of his brain—and the rest of him—that enjoyed a warm body, a sharp mind and a purely feminine take on the world said she looked interesting. And that last bit of consciousness, shaped by a very strong-willed mother who had drilled into him that he was always to protect those weaker than him, told him that the attractive brunette was in way over her head.

He could be wrong of course. For all he knew, she was a leather-wearing dominatrix who came to the Blue Dog because of the place’s reputation. But he had his doubts.

The Blue Dog was a cop bar. But not just any hangout for those in uniform. It was a place where guys showed up to get lucky and the women who walked in counted on that fact. Carter usually avoided the place—he worked undercover and couldn’t afford to be seen here. But one of his contacts had insisted on the location, so Carter had agreed and prayed no one from the force would speak to him.

No one had. He’d concluded his business and had been about to leave when the brunette had walked in with her friend, who was currently involved in a heated conversation with Eddy. Eddy wasn’t exactly a prince when it came to his dating habits, so Carter had a feeling the chat wasn’t going to go well. He nodded at Jenny, the bartender on duty, then pointed to the brunette. Jenny raised her eyebrows.

Carter didn’t have to guess what she was thinking. Jenny, an ex-girlfriend, knew him pretty well. Yeah, well, maybe after a few months of self-induced celibacy, he was ready to give the man-woman thing another try. Even though he knew better. Even though it was always a disaster.

He glanced around and saw he wasn’t the only one who’d noticed the contrast between the brunette’s made-for-sin body and her Sunday-school-teacher clothes. So if he was going to protect her from the other big bad cops, he’d better get a move on.

He walked to the bar, where Jenny handed him a beer and a margarita. He ignored her knowing grin and crossed to the brunette’s table.

“Hi. I’m Carter. Mind if I join you?”

As he asked the question, he set down the margarita and gave her his best smile.

Yeah, yeah, a cheap trick, he thought, remembering all the hours he’d spent perfecting it back in high school. He’d taught himself to smile with just the right amount of interest, charm and bashfulness. It never failed.

Not even tonight, when the woman looked up, flushed, half rose, then sat back down, and in the process knocked over her nearly empty drink and scattered the slushy contents across the table and down the front of her dress.

“Oh, no,” she said, her voice soft and almost musical. “Darn. I can’t believe I...” She pressed her lips together, then looked at him.

He’d already sopped up the mess on the table with a couple of napkins. He completely ignored the dampness on her dress. Sure, he was interested, but he wasn’t stupid.

“You okay?” he asked, curious about a woman who actually said darn.

“Yes. Thank you.”

He passed over the drink he’d brought.

She glanced first at it, then at him. “I’m, ah, with someone.”

He kept his gaze on her. “Your girlfriend. I saw you come in together.”

She nodded. “She’s breaking up with her boyfriend and wanted moral support. I don’t usually... This isn’t...” She sighed. “She’ll be back soon.”

“No problem,” he said easily. “I’ll keep you company until she’s finished.”

Even in the dim light of the bar, he could see her eyes were green. Her long, dark hair hung in sensuous waves to just past her shoulders.

Carter held in a snort. Sensuous waves? He’d sure been without for a little too long if he were thinking things like that.

She shifted uncomfortably and didn’t touch the drink.

“Is it me or the bar?” he asked.

“What? Oh, both, I suppose.” Instantly, she covered her mouth, then dropped her hand to her damp lap. “Sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”

“It’s fine. I’m a great believer in the truth. So which is more scary?”

She glanced around the Blue Dog, then returned her attention to him. “Mostly you.”

He grinned. “I’m flattered.”

“Why? You want me to think you’re scary?”

He leaned forward and lowered his voice just enough to get her to sway toward him. “Not scary. Dangerous. All guys want to be dangerous. Women love that.”

She surprised him by laughing. “Okay, Carter, I can see you’re a pro and I’m way out of my league with you. I cheerfully confess I’m not the bar type and being in this setting makes me horribly uncomfortable.” She glanced at her friend. “I can’t tell if the fight’s going well or badly. What do you think?”

He looked at Eddy, who’d backed the blonde into a corner. “It depends on how you’re defining ‘well.’ I don’t think they’re actually breaking up. Do you?”

“I’m not sure. Diane was determined to tell him what she thought, once and for all. In ‘I’ sentences.”

He frowned. “In what?”

She smiled. “I think you’re not treating me with respect. I think you’re always late on purpose. That kind of thing. Although she did say something about wanting to kick him in the head, which is unlikely to help. Of course, I don’t know Eddy. He may like that sort of thing.”

Carter was totally and completely charmed. “Who are you?” he asked.

“My name is Rachel.”

“You don’t swear, you don’t hang out in bars, so what do you do?”

“How do you know I don’t swear?” she asked.

“You said ‘darn’ when you spilled your drink.”

“Oh. Right. It’s a habit. I teach kindergarten. There’s no way I can swear in front of the children, not that I ever used a lot of bad words, so I trained myself to never say them. It’s just easier. So I use words like ‘darn’ and ‘golly.’” She grinned. “Sometimes people look at me like I’m at the dull-normal end of the IQ scale, but I can live with that. It’s for the greater good. So who are you?”

A complicated question, Carter thought, knowing he couldn’t tell her the truth. “Just a guy.”

“Uh-huh.” She eyed his earring—a diamond stud—and his too-long hair. “More than just a guy. What do you do?”

That changed with the assignment, he thought. “I’m working for a chopper shop. Motorcycles,” he added.

She straightened her spine and squared her shoulders. “I know what a chopper is. I’m not some innocent fresh out of the backwoods.”

Her indignation made him want to chuckle. She reminded him of a kitten facing down a very large and powerful dog. All the arched back and hissing fury didn’t make the kitten any bigger.

“Not a lot of backwoods around here,” he said easily. “Desert, though. You could be an innocent fresh out of the desert.”

Her lips twitched, as if she were trying not to smile. He pushed her margarita toward her.

“You’re letting all the ice melt,” he told her.

She hesitated, then took a sip. “Are you from around here?” she asked.

“Born and raised. All my family’s here.”

“Such as?”

Now it was his turn to pause. He didn’t usually give out personal information. In his line of work, it could get him into trouble. But he had a feeling Rachel wasn’t going to be a threat to much more than his oath of celibacy.

“Three sisters, a mom. Their main purpose in life is to make me crazy.” He made the statement with equal parts love and exasperation.

Rachel looked wistful. “That’s nice. Not the crazy part, but that you’re close.”

“You’re not close to your family?”

“I don’t have any.”

He didn’t know what to say to that and reminded himself too late that he was supposed to be charming her, not reminding her that she was alone in the world.

“Are you from around here?” he asked.

“Riverside?” She shook her head. Her hair swayed and caught the light and, for the moment, totally mesmerized him. “I moved here after I graduated from college. I wanted a nice, quiet, suburban sort of place.” She sighed. “Not very exciting.”

“Hey, I’ve lived here all my life. I can show you the best spots for viewing the submarine races.”

She grinned. “Where I grew up, we went parking over by the river. Well, not really a river. More of a gully. Part of the year, it even had water in it.”

“Parking, huh?”

She shrugged. “I had my moments.”

“And now?”

Her gaze drifted to where her friend still talked to Eddy. “Not so much.” She looked back at him. “Why’d you come over?”

He smiled. “Have you looked in the mirror lately?”

She ducked her head and blushed. Carter couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen a woman blush. He wanted to make her do it again.

“Thank you,” she said. “I spend my days with five-year-olds whose idea of being charming is to put glue in my hair. You’re a nice change.”

“You’re comparing me to a five-year-old?” he asked, pretending outrage.

“Well, a lot of guys have maturity issues.”

“I’m totally mature. Responsible, even.”

She didn’t look convinced. “Of course you are.”

* * *

CARTER WAS...INTERESTING, Rachel thought, then nearly laughed out loud at the wild understatement. Okay, he was gorgeous, in a California blond, male-model sort of way. Classically handsome with shaggy hair and that earring. Who had given it to him? She couldn’t stop looking at it, which told her she needed to get out more. No wait—that was already on her to-do list.

He was big, with broad shoulders and a smile that made her toes curl inside her sensible, low-heeled pumps even as she wondered if there were any interesting tattoos underneath the chambray shirt and jeans. What would it be like to be a leather-and-lace kind of woman—someone who knew what to do with a guy like Carter? As it was she was blushing, practically stammering and wishing Diane would hurry up so they could go.

Except she wasn’t ready to leave. Not just yet. Carter wasn’t the kind of guy who usually came on to her, but it was fun to play “what-if” even if only in her head.

So she took a drink of her margarita and imagined herself to be wearing a wicked red-lace bra and a matching thong under black leather and some low-cut bustier. What would that Rachel say to a man like him?

“So tell me a secret,” she said, surprising herself and, from the way his eyebrows lifted, him.

Her instinct was to take it back and say he didn’t have to, but she refused to crumble now.

He thought for a second, then shrugged. “I keep trying to give up on women. They invade every part of my life and I know I’d be better off if I could just stay away from them. I was raised to do the right thing, so once I’m involved it’s hard to get out.”

Not the answer she’d expected. “You know I’m a woman, right?” she asked, only half kidding.

He grinned. “Oh, yeah. I noticed.”

“You’re going to give up women by not avoiding them?”

He sipped his beer. “It’s a work in progress,” he admitted. “I avoid them for a few months and then I walk into somewhere safe and I’m sucker punched by someone I didn’t expect.”

Did that mean her?

“So tell me your secret,” he said.

“I dance,” she admitted without thinking, then immediately wished she could call back the words. “I mean, I used to. When I was growing up and in college. I wanted to be a dancer, but I don’t have the right body type.”

He was polite enough to keep his gaze firmly fixed on her face.

“What kind of dance?” he asked.

“Everything. Ballet, jazz, modern. I still take classes, which is silly because it’s not like I’m going to do something with it.”

“Why is it silly? Does everything have to have a purpose?”

She didn’t know how to answer. She’d never told anyone about her dancing and she wasn’t sure why she’d admitted it now. Maybe because it was easier than talking about her leather-and-lace fantasy.

Before she could answer his question, Diane’s sharp voice cut across the floor.

“You’re a jerk, Eddy. I don’t know why I ever bothered with you.”

“Hey, babe, don’t be that way.”

Eddy reached for Diane, who pushed his arm away. “I hate you. How’s that for an I sentence. Go to hell.”

Eddy threw up both hands. “I don’t need this from you. Just forget it.”

Diane glared at him. “Fine, I will. This is the end. Don’t bother coming around again. Understand?”

“Clearly. Don’t you come crawling back. I’m not interested.”

“Me, either.”

With that, Diane whirled around and marched out of the bar.

Rachel stared after her. “She said she wanted to break up with him, but I didn’t think she meant it.” She looked at the exit, wondering if her friend would be all right. “I need to go check on her.”

“Sure thing.”

Rachel stood, as did Carter. She glanced from him to the door and back.

“Thanks for the drink and the conversation,” she said, suddenly feeling awkward. “You were really nice.”

His easy smile gave her toes another miniworkout. “Words every guy longs to hear.”

“What? Oh.” She laughed. “Right. Sorry. You were especially dangerous tonight. I was terrified.”

“Better.”

He stepped around the table and lightly kissed her. She had no warning. One second he was moving and the next she felt a soft, tempting pressure on her mouth that was gone before she could fully grasp it.

“Take care, Rachel,” he said and headed back to the bar.

She watched him go, then turned and walked out into the still warm evening. Who could have known she could meet such a great guy in a bar? She glanced at the sign showing a sitting, tail-wagging, blue dog in bright neon. And here, of all places.

At least she could check “get out more” off her to-do list, she thought as she moved toward Diane’s car. That was—

The car was gone.

Rachel distinctly remembered where her friend had parked because the ghostly blue from the sign had turned her dress purple as she’d climbed out of the car. As Diane wasn’t standing around in hysterics, it was unlikely the car had been stolen.

“But she was my ride home,” Rachel said aloud to no one.

Diane had left her? Was that possible? Sure, her friend had been upset, but...

Rachel walked to the edge of the parking lot and glanced up and down the street. Nothing. No familiar blue sedan cruised in her direction.

Her mouth opened and closed. This could not be happening. Sure she didn’t know Diane all that well, but how flaky would the other woman have to be to go off and forget her?

“Is there a problem?”

The familiar voice made her want to groan, and not in a good way. She’d been so happy with how things had gone in the bar. She’d managed to act sophisticated and bar-worldly...sort of. But to have all that blown now was really unfair.

She turned until she faced Carter, then shrugged.

“So your girlfriend was more upset than either of us realized,” he said, obviously grasping what had happened.

“Apparently.”

“Come on,” he said with a smile. “I’ll take you home.”

She wanted to tell him that wasn’t necessary. That she would call another friend or a cab. But it was late and she hated to disturb anyone because of what had happened, and this was Riverside, not New York. There weren’t exactly cabs cruising around looking for fares.

He held up both hands, as if surrendering. “I’m perfectly safe.”

“Ha. You said you were dangerous.”

“Only in my dreams.”

He tilted his head in invitation. She sighed, then nodded.

“Thank you,” she said as she followed him to a large black truck.

“No problem. This can be my good deed for the week. It’ll make my mom happy.”

Him mentioning his mother eased a little of her tension. She felt awkward as she climbed onto the passenger seat, which felt about thirty feet above the ground.

“Nice truck,” she said when he slid in on the driver’s side. “Great visibility.”

“Macho,” he corrected with a grin. “Macho truck.”

She couldn’t help laughing. “Of course. My mistake. Imagine how high it would be if you got those really big tires.”

“Not my style.”

Oh, but a truck was? And people said women were confusing.

He started the engine, then glanced at her. “Where to?”

She fastened her seat belt and gave him directions.

After Carter pulled out of the parking lot, he said, “You need to have a talk with your friend. Driving off and leaving you alone at a bar is not okay.”

“I agree. I couldn’t believe it when I stepped out and her car was gone. I don’t know her all that well, but still...” She shrugged.

“You work together?” he asked.

“Yes. She just started this term. Diane teaches fourth grade.”

“Big kids,” he teased.

“Bigger than mine. Plus I suspect by the time they’re nine there’s a whole lot less paste eating. But I wouldn’t trade. I love the little kids. Everything is exciting and new to them. They see all the possibilities. If I do my job right, I can help them love school for the rest of their lives.”

Just then his cell phone rang. He pulled it out of his shirt pocket and flipped it open.

“Brockett. Uh-huh. Yeah. How’d you know?” He laughed. “No. I’ve got it. Night.” He hung up. “Your friend came back, looking for you.”

“Really? Good. I didn’t want to have to yell at her tomorrow. Who called?”

“Jenny, the bartender. She’ll tell Diane that you’re good.”

Rachel opened her mouth, then closed it. She wasn’t sure “good” covered it. There was every possibility that Diane would think she was going home with a guy she just met. Perhaps not the most awful thing in the world, but not a reality Rachel was comfortable with.

As she couldn’t discuss that with Carter, she asked the next logical question.

“How does the bartender know your cell number?”

“Don’t panic,” he told her. “I’m not that much of a regular. Jenny and I go way back. We’ve been friends for years.”

Friends, huh? And before that?

He pulled up in front of her small apartment building. It was in an older part of town. Rachel had chosen the place specifically because she loved the higher ceilings and custom touches of the Craftsman-style architecture.

Carter turned off the engine, then looked at the carport. “Let me guess,” he said, eyeing the cars parked there. “The gray sedan.”

She unfastened her seat belt and had the satisfaction of knowing she was about to shock him. “The little red, two-seater convertible.”

His eyes widened. “No way.”

“Way.”

His gaze settled on her face. “Why wasn’t my kindergarten teacher more like you?”

“Maybe she was. Five-year-olds tend not to notice stuff like that.”

“I guess.”

Before she could thank him for the ride, he climbed out of the truck. She did the same and they met on the sidewalk.

“You don’t have to walk me up,” she said.

“I want to. This is a full-service rescue.”

She felt nervous and out of her element, but not afraid. She liked Carter and while she knew she would probably never see him again, she couldn’t help being glad he didn’t want to run right off.

She led the way up the stairs to the far apartment. As they passed between her overflowing plant stands, he asked, “Yours?”

She pulled her keys out of her purse. “Another hobby. I like to grow things.”

“A kindergarten teacher who dances and has a green thumb. Interesting.” He stepped a little closer and lightly touched her cheek with his fingertips. “I’m going to kiss you, Rachel. I’m telling you this in advance, so you can race inside, slap me or go with it and kiss me back. We all know what my choice would be, but you get a say in this, too.”

The porch light brought out the gold in his blond hair. He was both handsome and sexy, a fairly irresistible combination. She hadn’t been on a date in months or been kissed in nearly two years and until this exact moment, hadn’t realized how much she’d missed having a man in her life.

“I’m not the slapping type,” she murmured, her gaze locked with his.

He gave her a slow, knowing smile that made her shiver.

“Good to know,” he said, right before he kissed her.

CHAPTER TWO

CARTER’S MOUTH WAS warm and firm on hers, but tender. Rachel had thought he might be one of those pushy kissers, claiming what he wanted. Instead he moved back and forth against her mouth, giving just enough to make her want more.

One of them moved toward the other. She wasn’t sure who was responsible for the sudden closeness, but she wasn’t going to complain about the feel of his hard, muscled body pressing against hers. He smelled good—like the outdoors, with a hint of masculine temptation. Heat radiated from him, making her want to cuddle even closer, like a cat looking for a sunny spot.

One of his hands continued to stroke her cheek, lightly brushing against her skin, while the other rested on her waist. She wondered if he were holding her in place. Had her mouth not been so busy pressing up against his, she would have told him that she had no intention of going anywhere.

He brushed the very tip of his tongue against her lower lip. The tiny movement was both exciting and erotic. She parted for him, then held her breath in anticipation of him deepening the kiss.

He moved forward slowly, cautiously, as if giving her time to retreat. Instead all she could think was how long it had been since she’d really kissed a man. Not since she’d broken off her engagement nearly two years ago.

At the exact moment his tongue gently stroked hers, need exploded inside of her. The intensity was as shocking as it was unexpected. She wanted more, needed more. Her body suddenly ached to have him touching her. Skin tightened, her breasts swelled. She let her purse slip to the ground, then wrapped both arms around his neck and leaned into him.

He accepted her with a low groan that made her nipples tighten. He pulled her against him, even as he ran his hands up and down her back. She tilted her head and he deepened the kiss, exploring all of her mouth with an urgency that made her tremble.

The depth of passion stunned her. She’d never felt like this from just a kiss and certainly never with a man she’d just met. It was insane. It was also thrilling and arousing and so not anything she was used to.

Carter pulled back slightly. He kissed her cheeks, then along her jaw and down her neck.

“You’re so beautiful,” he murmured. “Are you trying to make guys crazy on purpose?”

She could barely breathe, let alone speak, but she forced herself to gather her thoughts. “What are you talking about?”

“Those damn curves in that prim little dress,” he muttered as he licked the sensitive skin just below her ear. “It shouldn’t be legal.”

Her eyes popped open and she stared into the darkness of the night. “Me?” she asked in a voice that squeaked. “But I need to lose about fifteen pounds.” Twenty, really, but she couldn’t bring herself to say that aloud. “I’m not...”

“Incredible?” he asked, brushing her mouth with his. “Sexy? Stunning?” He straightened and smiled. “If this wasn’t the first time I’d kissed you and if I hadn’t been raised to know better, I’d show you exactly what you’ve done to me.”

Curiosity exploded. Was he talking about what she thought he was talking about? Had she really aroused him?

For her own part, she felt more than a little tingly, but he was so much more cool than she could ever hope to be.

She looked into his dark eyes and saw fire burning there. His desire matched her own growing need.

“I’ve never...” she said, then cleared her throat. “I don’t...”

“I know,” he said with more than a little regret. “I swore off sex on the first date about the time I turned twenty. You’re not the type.” He smiled ruefully. “I’ll tell you what, Rachel. You’re enough to make me rethink my plan of swearing off women.”

He kissed her again, then bent down and picked up her purse. She took it from him and held it in both hands. It was that or reach for him again.

He drew in a deep breath. “Here’s what I think. You’re gonna go inside your place, smile, thank me for a great evening and close the door.” He frowned. “You need to lock it, too.”

That made her smile. “You’re not the type to break in.”

“I don’t know. I haven’t been this tempted before.”

His words made her tremble. She knew his advice was sound, but it was amazingly difficult to force herself to open her door, then step inside alone. Still, she did it. She set her keys and her purse on the small table by the door, then drew in a breath and prepared to tell him goodbye.

She was in his arms. She wasn’t sure who made the move, but it didn’t matter because holding him and being held felt so good. Even as his mouth claimed hers in a kiss that stirred her to her soul, she savored the feel of his hands as he ran them up and down her back. She could feel the pressure of his fingers, the heat of him. When he lingered on her hips, she instinctively arched toward him. Her belly brushed against his erection.

Need rushed through her. He hadn’t been kidding—he did want her. Just as she wanted him. Nothing about this made any sense at all, but where men were concerned, she’d always been cautious. She’d had exactly two lovers in her life and she’d waited until she’d been sure they were in love and talking about getting married before giving in. She’d never been with a stranger. Until tonight she’d never even kissed a stranger. She was sure that in the bright light of day she would have given herself a stern talking-to, but right now she didn’t care.

She placed her hands on his chest and allowed herself to explore him. As their tongues circled and danced and mated, she learned how she liked to breathe in the scent of his skin.

He set his hands on her waist and moved them up. Slowly, slowly, as if giving her time to protest. Without thinking, she covered his hands with hers and brought them to her breasts.

She was jolted both by her own actions, something she’d never done before, and the exquisite pleasure of having him touch her there. She decided to deal with her guilt later and simply enjoy the feel of him caressing her curves, brushing against her nipples and making her body melt.

The ever-present need grew. She was already wet and swollen and she wanted to be touched everywhere. She squirmed to get closer even as he started unbuttoning the front of her dress.

Yes, she thought hazily. Without clothes they could touch each other. She tugged at his T-shirt. He stepped back, unfastened the buttons and ripped it off. Passion darkened his eyes to the color of the night sky. There was light from a single small lamp in the corner but it was enough to let her see how hard he was breathing and how his desire pushed at the zipper of his jeans.

They came together again. Now she could touch his back and chest, feeling the warmth and smoothness of his skin. He managed to unfasten the front buttons on her dress and push the fabric aside. Her arms were caught for a moment, then she freed herself and shoved it out of the way. Her dress fell to the floor and pooled at her feet.

Under any other circumstances, she would have been embarrassed, but there was no time. Carter bent down and, through her bra, took her nipple in his mouth. She lost herself in the wet heat and gentle sucking. She touched his head, his back, his arms and wished there was a way to touch all of him.

He nudged her backward. She went willingly, then let herself fall onto the sofa. He eased on top of her until they were a tangle of arms and legs. His arousal pressed between her thighs and, even with multiple layers of clothing, he managed to excite that one sensitive spot.

More, she thought frantically, knowing it had been so long and that she would be close in a matter of seconds. She needed more.

He unfastened her bra and pulled it away. Now she felt his mouth on her bare skin and it was nearly enough to send her over the edge. He slipped one hand between them and even as his tongue teased her aching nipple and brought her close to the edge, he eased between her legs and under her panties to get lost in paradise.

He found her center immediately. She didn’t know if it was good luck or a lot of practice, and at that moment, she didn’t care. He rubbed around the swollen spot before brushing over it. She gasped as her body tightened and every cell waited breathlessly for that one moment of release.

Again and again he touched her, moving steadily, then slower, then faster, pushing her into madness until she could only wait, unable to breathe until her body gave in to the pure pleasure and convulsed into release.

She clung to him as the waves rippled through her. He continued to touch her and she continued to climax until he swore, pulled back, unfastened his jeans, jerked down her panties and plunged inside of her.

He was thick and he filled her until she had no choice but to climax again. They held on to each other, kissing, straining, reaching. He called out her name, then stiffened as his body found its own release, and then they were still.

Rachel savored the weight of him, unable to believe that she, of all people, had really made love with a stranger, on her slip-covered sofa, with the scent of night-blooming jasmine in the air.

* * *

RACHEL WOKE A few minutes before her alarm clock went off, to find the sun streaming into the room. That didn’t make sense, she thought in sleepy confusion. She always closed the blinds and then pulled the pale curtains. But this morning the curtains were all that were between her and an east-facing window. Huh. Shouldn’t she have...

Reality crashed in on her. She suddenly remembered why, exactly, she hadn’t bothered to lower the blinds. In truth, she hadn’t pulled the curtains, but someone else had. Probably the same person who had urged her into her bed so their second round of lovemaking could take place in more leisurely comfort.

She sat up, then immediately squealed and sank back under the covers. She was naked. Totally, completely naked. She never slept naked, but then she never brought a man she’d barely met back to her apartment and had sex with him.

Embarrassment heated her cheeks. What had she been thinking? Easy answer—she hadn’t. She’d been too busy feeling.

But that was no excuse, she told herself as she clutched the sheets to her chest and slowly sat up again. There were no excuses, no way to justify what she’d done. Momentary insanity, she thought glumly. What other explanation could there be?

She glanced around the room, looking for evidence that Carter was still around. There was no noise from the bathroom and she didn’t see any of his clothes. Had he left? Would that make things better or worse?

Before she could decide, she spotted a piece of paper resting at the foot of the bed. Cautiously, careful to stay covered by the sheet, she reached for it.

Morning, Rachel. Sorry to duck out without saying goodbye, but I have to be at work really early and I didn’t let you get a whole lot of sleep last night, so I didn’t want to wake you before dawn. You’re amazing and I hope I can see you again. Here’s my cell number.

He’d left a phone number and signed his name.

Rachel read the note over a couple of times before setting it on the nightstand. He was gone. That was a relief. She didn’t have to deal with any awkward “morning after” conversation. In truth, she didn’t have to deal with anything. Last night had been a weird, unexplainable phenomenon. Like a bubble in the space-time continuum. She would accept it as such and move on.

Right, she thought as she got out of bed and ran to the closet so she could pull on her robe. Moving on was an excellent plan. Last night had never even happened. She wouldn’t think about it ever again.

Except, as she walked to the kitchen to start her morning coffee, she noticed that specific parts of her felt a little sore. Her hips and thighs had that stretched-too-far ache and there was a faint sort of throb in more intimate places.

No wonder, she thought with a smile. The first time had been all heat and speed, but the second had been incredibly slow and seductive and—

“Stop!” she said aloud in a firm voice. “No thinking, remember? This is thinking. Stop it.”

Right. She had to remember it had all been a big mistake. Not one she would ever repeat, under any circumstances. Carter could have been a serial killer. Right now her body could be in chunks all over the place. She’d been stupid and for reasons not clear to anyone, she’d gotten out unscathed.

As for calling Carter, that wasn’t going to happen. What was she supposed to say to him? How could she explain she wasn’t that type of woman, when as far as he was concerned, she obviously was. She hated that he would think she was slutty, but she couldn’t think of a way to change his mind. He was good-looking enough that this sort of thing probably happened to him all the time. He wouldn’t even give her another thought, just as she’d get him out of her mind immediately. Starting right now.

But when she reached for her coffeepot, she realized it was full and that the aroma of the fresh brew filled the room.

He’d made coffee before he’d left, she realized with a little sigh. Talk about thoughtful.

The phone rang. Rachel’s heart fluttered briefly before she consciously squashed the sensation. No fluttering, no anticipation, no hoping, no Carter. Besides, the man might know where she lived and be on very intimate terms with her body, but he didn’t know her phone number.

“Hello?”

“Rachel? It’s Diane. Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.”

Diane sighed. “I’m so sorry about last night. I can’t believe I took off like that and left you. I nearly had a heart attack when I got home and realized what I’d done. I came right back but the bartender said you’d already gotten a ride home. I would have called then, but it seemed so late. Are you sure you’re fine?”

“I am,” she said, determined to make it true by sheer force of will.

“Okay. Good. Obviously Eddy makes me crazy. I’m so not going out with him anymore.” Diane sighed. “I should be more like you. You’re so sensible when it comes to men.”

Rachel held in a wince. “I have my moments, like everyone else.”

Diane laughed. “Oh, please. When was the last time you did anything impetuous with a guy?”

Rachel wasn’t about to answer that question. “Thanks for checking on me. I’ll see you later at school.”

“Right. Bye.”

Rachel hung up the phone and poured herself a mug of coffee. It was a new day and she had a new plan. No more wild nights with men she didn’t know. She would go back to being the kind of woman Diane assumed she was. Better for everyone, especially herself.

* * *

THE RHYTHMIC CLICK of the knitting needles was a good memory for Rachel. One of her years in foster care had been with an older woman who had taught her to knit. She associated the feel of the soft yarn and the sound of the needles with calm evenings spent by a fire with plenty of hot cocoa on hand.

“She’s going to throw me out of class,” Crissy said in a low voice.

Noelle grinned at Rachel, then turned to their friend. “She’s not. She likes you.”

“Ha. She has to.” Crissy tugged at her tangled knitting. “I gave her a free month at one of my gyms. I know it’s wrong to bribe people but I didn’t know what else to do.”

Rachel held in a smile. “Gee, Crissy, have you thought of actually paying attention to your knitting? It is why we’re here.”

Crissy laughed. “Oh, please. You know I only come here so we can go to dinner afterward. The first set of classes wasn’t too bad, but now things are so complicated. Who writes these patterns?”

“We could meet you for dinner after knitting class,” Noelle offered.

“This is fine,” Crissy told her as she held out her needles to Rachel. “I’ll muddle through.”

“Muddle being the key word,” Rachel said as she took the disaster and began unraveling it. “How can you mess up casting on? It’s just not that complicated.”

“I’m a businesswoman. I can run my company, but I’m not very good with my hands,” Crissy said. “Big deal.”

Noelle, ever the peacemaker, patted her arm. “You could try a little harder.”

“I could also wish to be taller,” Crissy said. “It’s not happening.”

Rachel looked at Noelle. “She’s hopeless.”

“Pretty much,” Noelle said cheerfully. “But we love her anyway.”

Noelle set down her needles and stretched her arms above her head. “I’m getting creaky,” she said. “I’m only twenty and I’m already stiff and old.”

Crissy leaned over and hugged Noelle. “You’re pregnant. There’s a difference.” She patted her friend’s round belly. “I can’t believe how long it took you to show. You’re into your sixth month and you’re not big at all.”

“I feel big,” Noelle said with a contented smile. “I feel huge. But it’s good.”

“Of course it is,” Rachel told her. “How’s Dev?”

Noelle’s expression turned dreamy. “Perfect in every way. He wants us to go away before the baby’s born. Sort of a belated honeymoon. But he doesn’t want me to worry about flying. So he’s been looking into a cruise on the Mexican Riviera. Maybe in late January.”

Rachel couldn’t help smiling at her friend. Noelle radiated happiness. Her marriage to Devlin Hunter had started out as a purely practical arrangement that had turned into something wonderful when they’d fallen in love. Even their brief scare that something might be wrong with the baby had ended well when the tests had come back with the good news that everything was fine.

Noelle tucked her blond hair behind her ears. “So, what’s new with you two?” she asked.

Crissy laughed. “Since last week? Gee, nothing. What about you, Rach? Any deep, dark secrets you want to share?”

“Not really,” Rachel murmured. She was still a little sore from her wild adventure three nights before, but she sure wasn’t going to mention that to her friends. While she didn’t think they would actually disapprove, she wasn’t ready to confess all. Maybe she never would be.

In truth, she couldn’t figure out why she’d allowed things to get so out-of-hand with Carter. Okay, he’d been funny and charming and sexy. In her line of work, she didn’t meet a lot of guys like that. Most of the men in her circle were married and fathers of five-year-olds.

And yes, it had been a long time since her last relationship, so maybe she’d been in a weakened condition. But still—that was hardly an excuse for what she’d done.

Just as bad, she was starting to regret throwing away Carter’s note, which was crazy. It wasn’t as if she would have ever called the man. And say what? Invite him out on a date? He would think she was only interested in him for sex. How humiliating. Not that she wasn’t interested in him that way, but there would have to be more than just that. Just thinking about it all was confusing, which meant that a relationship would be difficult and if there were this many questions now, what was the point?

She knew better than to get involved. Caring meant losing and she’d already had enough pain in her life.

“Earth to Rachel,” Noelle said. “Are you all right?”

“What? Oh.” Rachel handed Crissy her knitting project. “I’m fine. Just a little distracted.”

“I would normally assume work,” Crissy said, “but you had the oddest look on your face.”

Rachel willed herself not to blush. “It’s nothing.”

Crissy didn’t look convinced. “I make it a rule never to pry, but I’m tempted this one time. Just promise me you won’t do what Noelle did and turn up pregnant.”

“Of course not,” Rachel said. “I’m not dating anyone.”

“Dating isn’t actually required,” Crissy informed her with a grin. “Sometimes proximity is enough.”

Noelle laughed. Rachel forced herself to smile, despite the dark, ugly pit that had opened up in her stomach.

Pregnant? No! It wasn’t possible. No, no, no. She couldn’t be. They’d only done it those two times. Just twice.

Without protection.

Rachel wanted to run screaming into the early evening. She wanted to pound her head against the table, or at the very least, turn back time and not invite Carter into her apartment that night.

She couldn’t be pregnant. She was single and a kindergarten teacher. This wasn’t part of her plan. Not yet. Of course she wanted a husband and a family, just like most women. But in that order. Someday. When she was feeling brave enough to risk her heart.

It wasn’t possible, she told herself firmly, fighting the need to throw up. She would be fine.

* * *

SEVENTEEN DAYS AFTER her night with Carter and fourteen days after considering the possibility of pregnancy, Rachel sat on the edge of her tub and told herself not to break into hysterics.

She’d waited an extra two days just to be sure. She’d been patient, she’d done her best not to think about it. She’d willed her period to start exactly on time and when it hadn’t, she’d gone the extra mile just to be sure.

Now, she stared at the seven plastic sticks she’d neatly lined up on two paper towels. They were from three different kits and they all said exactly the same thing.

Positively pregnant.

CHAPTER THREE

RACHEL HADN’T PLANNED on ever returning to the Blue Dog Bar. Unfortunately, since she’d tossed the note with Carter’s cell number on it, she had no way to get in touch with the man. But she had remembered that one of the bartenders—Rachel couldn’t remember her name—had known Carter well enough to have his number and so here she was, showing up at three-thirty in the afternoon, with a nervous stomach and several spots of drying paste on the hem of her skirt.

Kindergarteners were hard on their teacher’s clothes, she thought as she glanced down at the dark patches. At least the paste would wash out. If only her problem with Carter could be solved as easily.

She drew in a deep breath, wished she hadn’t been so hasty with that note he’d left and walked into the dim building.

It was early enough that there weren’t many customers. Rachel ignored the few patrons and made her way to the bar, where she sighed in relief when she recognized the same woman who had been here that night three weeks ago.

The woman behind the bar smiled. “Hi. Can I help you?” She was pretty—late twenties, with a cute, short haircut and big green eyes.

“I hope so,” Rachel said, wishing she weren’t so nervous. She could feel herself shaking. “I’m, ah, looking for Carter.”

The bartender continued to smile. “Okay. Carter who?”

Rachel held in a moan of humiliation. “I don’t know,” she admitted in a rush. “I met him here three weeks ago. I didn’t mean to. I was here with a friend and she was breaking up with this guy and...” She sucked in a breath and clutched the large envelope of papers to her chest. “That’s not important, right? Because no one cares. Okay. We, ah, met and I need to talk to him. It’s really important. Carter. He’s about six-two with dark blond hair and a diamond stud earring.”

Honestly, how many Carters could there be? Rachel swallowed hard, then blurted out, “He has a scar shaped like a lightning bolt on his thigh right by his...”

“Oh,” the woman said, knowing. “That Carter. Have a seat. I’ll see if I can get in touch with him.”

* * *

CARTER COULDN’T DECIDE if he was annoyed or relieved. He couldn’t believe it had been three weeks and Rachel was only now getting in touch with him. Sure, hard-to-get was a time-honored game between the sexes, but hey—it was him. He’d never had to wait to get a call before.

Logically, this was probably better. He knew better than to get involved and if she were the kind of female totally into games, he wouldn’t be into her. Problem solved.

Except he had a feeling it wouldn’t be that simple. He hadn’t been able to get Rachel out of his mind. He knew where she lived and could have gone to see her, but that wasn’t his style. Besides, he’d left her his number and she hadn’t called. What did that say about what she thought about him?

He walked into the Blue Dog Bar determined to make her want him, even though he didn’t know if he wanted her. His male pride was at stake. He nodded at Jenny, who pointed to a booth in the back. He squared his shoulders and strolled casually in that direction.

Only to get broadsided by a two-by-four.

It didn’t matter that the hunk of wood was metaphorical. His gut twisted, the air rushed out of his lungs and he would swear he could hear angels singing. Damn, she looked good.

Rachel sat facing the bar, her back all straight, her clothes prissy enough for a preacher’s wife and her hair tied back in some kind of fancy braid. But he knew the truth. He knew that behind that don’t-touch-me-I’m-a-good-girl exterior beat the heart of a wanton. She kissed like a dream and made love as if it were her last time.

Heat poured through him and he had a brief but intense fantasy about dragging her onto the table and taking her right there. Only he’d never been one to show off in front of strangers. Besides, she hadn’t called and that might have hurt his feelings.

“Rachel,” he said as he approached.

She half stood, then sank back into the seat. “Hello, Carter.”

He slid into the seat across from her, then noticed the large legal-sized envelope she’d placed on the table. What was that about?

“It’s been awhile,” he said.

She nodded. “Three weeks.”

She licked her lips, which made his whole body clench. Damn, why did she have to get to him?

She put her hands on the table, laced her fingers together, then pulled back and dropped them to her lap. Nervousness radiated from her like a fine mist. He half expected her to clutch her stomach and run for the bathroom.

He’d decided to play it cool, to let her do all the talking. Not only was it a power play, but he would learn more that way. So he got really annoyed with himself when he blurted out, “You didn’t call.”

She blinked at him. “Excuse me?”

“You didn’t call. I was polite. I had to be up early and I didn’t want to wake you, so I left a note. And my phone number.” He leaned toward her. “I don’t go home with just anyone. Is that what you thought? You could use me and forget about me?”

He swore silently. Had those words come out of his mouth? If anyone ever found out he’d said them, he would be drummed out of the male gender and forced to live as a eunuch.

Her eyes widened. “I didn’t use you.”

“What would you call it? You had your way with me and then walked away without a second thought.” Until today, but he doubted she would think of that.

“I’m the woman. I can’t use you,” she said.

“Right. Because only guys can be jerks. Women always act perfectly.”

“Well, no. Of course not.” She stared at him. “I wasn’t trying to use you.”

“You could have called.”

“I didn’t know what to say.”

“How about ‘Thanks for the great night. We should go out sometime.’” Unless she hadn’t wanted to go out with him again, which wasn’t possible.

She drew in a deep breath. “Carter, I’m sorry I didn’t call, but we have something else more important to discuss.”

Important, huh? With women, that generally meant one thing. The relationship. But he and Rachel didn’t have a relationship.

“I’m listening,” he said.

She nodded, then exhaled. “There are ramifications from our night together.”

It took a second for her words to sink in. He swore under his breath and felt all desire bleed from his body.

“If you have something, you should have told me,” he growled.

Dammit all to hell, he had no one but himself to blame. He hadn’t used anything and he knew better. Not that he usually traveled with a condom. But he should have stopped to think, to ask, to be a responsible adult.

How bad was it? Would his...would it fall off?

“What?” she asked, sounding slightly outraged. “Have something? I’m not sick. There’s nothing wrong with me.”

“There’s nothing wrong with me, either,” he told her. “I’m fine. So if we’re both fine, what’s the problem?”

She glared at him. “Seeing you know everything about women, you should have already figured it out. I’m pregnant.”

Had he mentioned that all of his trouble came from the women in his life? Timing being what it was, Jenny chose that moment to come up and ask if they wanted something to drink.

He looked up at her and sighed. “Give us a minute,” he said.

“Sure thing.”

Jenny glanced at Rachel and then headed back to the bar.

Carter knew what would happen next. He figured they had maybe fifteen minutes more of privacy and, given the topic, they were going to need a lot more.

He turned his attention back to Rachel and let her words wash over him. Pregnant. Pregnant?

“You’re not on the Pill?” he asked, more to himself than her. Because he hadn’t asked before...when it had mattered.

“No,” she said, her voice low and annoyed.

“You let yourself have sex with me without protection or birth control?”

She opened her mouth and then closed it. “Not on purpose,” she told him. “It wasn’t as if I’d planned the night. It just sort of happened. I lost my head.”

And that was going to be his fault.

“I don’t do this sort of thing very much,” she said, obviously still annoyed, although he couldn’t figure out what her problem was. He was the injured party here.

“Meaning?” he asked.

She glanced around, then lowered her voice. “I’ve only been with two other guys and I was engaged to both of them.”

“You’ve been married before?” he asked, feeling slightly outraged. “Twice?”

“No.” She leaned back against the seat and groaned. “I was engaged, not married. That isn’t the point. I’m pregnant.”

“I got that.”

“There’s going to be a baby.”

That stopped him. Because until she’d said the “b” word, he hadn’t put the two together. Pregnant was a scary, dangerous condition used to trap men, but a baby was something pretty miraculous.

He felt himself smile. “Yeah?”

“Don’t you dare be happy,” she told him. “Neither of us planned this. We don’t even know each other.” She thrust the envelope toward him. “I’ve been to a lawyer. This is a very straightforward agreement. I’m not asking you for anything now or ever. In return, you sign away all rights to the child.”

“Why would I do that?”

She rolled her eyes. “Because it makes the most sense. Like I said, we barely know each other. We can’t have a baby together.”

“I’d say we already are.”

From the corner of his eye, he saw Jenny on the phone. She was quick, he would give her that.

A baby. He didn’t know what he felt, exactly, except a certainty that the kid would be a girl. As for signing away his rights, that wasn’t going to happen in this lifetime.

“We need to talk,” he said, then winced. Was Jenny spiking the beer? Was he turning into a woman?

“There’s nothing to talk about. You should look at the papers.”

He leaned toward her. “I’m not discussing this in a bar.”

She flinched. “I’m not taking you home with me. Look what happened last time.”

He wanted to tell her that he wasn’t interested in her that way—except he was. Now that he knew all his parts were going to stay in place, he could appreciate her pale skin and the way her mouth curved when she smiled. Not that she’d done so in recent memory.

“I’m not trying to sleep with you,” he said. “We can go to my place. Follow me in your car. Keep the damn engine running if you want. My point is, I’m not talking about this here.”

He didn’t mention that his ex-girlfriend was still friends with his mother and likely on the phone with her this exact second. Hence the need for speed.

Rachel considered his words, then nodded slowly. “Fine. Your place. But I want you to consider my offer. I’m not trying to trap you.”

“Good to know.”

* * *

RACHEL ENJOYED HER little convertible and she’d always liked driving the manual transmission. Only this afternoon she couldn’t stop shaking, which made it difficult to shift.

The conversation with Carter hadn’t gone at all the way she’d imagined. For one thing, he’d kept talking about the fact that she hadn’t called him. As if he’d wanted her to.

Honestly, the thought had never crossed her mind. She’d figured he slept with different women all the time and one more wasn’t going to make an impact on his life. Had she been wrong? Did he really care that she hadn’t called?

The thought was so foreign, she didn’t know how to process it in her brain. Adding to the confusion was his refusal to instantly sign off on the baby. She’d never thought he would want to take on that kind of responsibility. Weren’t women always complaining that men hated the idea of being tied down?

She had to make him understand they weren’t in this together. Dealing with being pregnant was hard enough, and not something she’d even begun to accept, but having to deal with Carter, too, was unimaginable.

She followed his large, black truck into a pleasant neighborhood, the kind populated by young families. When he pulled into the driveway of a pretty, one-story house, she parked in front and climbed out.

For a second, she looked around and felt herself get lost in the past. This was the sort of street where she’d grown up. Modest homes filled with parents and kids and lots of laughter. Even after all these years, she could remember everything about her old bedroom. The color of the wallpaper, the bookshelves on the wall, the way her mother would tease her about the mess on the floor.

Happy memories, she thought wistfully. Happy and so very, very sad.

“Rachel?”

She looked up and saw Carter waiting by the front door. She walked up the path and into his house.

The living room was open, with cream-colored drapes and pretty sage paint on the walls. The furniture looked relatively new and not the least bit like bachelor leather.

“Have a seat,” he said, closing the front door behind her. “You want something to drink?”

“I’m fine.”

She set the paperwork on the coffee table, then sank on the sofa. Now what?

Apparently Carter didn’t know, either. He paced the length of the room, paused in front of her, started to speak, shook his head and started pacing again. She reminded herself that she’d had several days to attempt to get used to the news and she still wasn’t dealing with it. The poor man would need some time.

“I didn’t plan this,” she said by way of a peace offering. “I want you to know that. What happened between us was totally unexpected.”

He looked at her and smiled. “I know. I was there.”

Somehow, she found herself getting lost in his brown eyes. She felt a pull between them. Something strong and powerful that made her want to stand up and step into his arms. Once there he would draw her close and...

Whoa! That’s what had gotten her in trouble in the first place, she thought.

She cleared her throat. “My point is, I don’t want you to be concerned. I can take care of myself.” She wasn’t sure how yet and thinking about being a single mother made her hyperventilate, but that wasn’t his problem. “I have no intention of trapping you. You can take as long as you’d like to look over the papers.”

His expression hardened. “Let’s get this clear right now. I’m not signing away my kid.”

He couldn’t mean that. “Do you want to be a father?”

“I didn’t plan on it this week, no. But we’re talking about my child.” He gave a strangled laugh. “Who am I kidding? My daughter. And you can’t have her.”

He stopped and put his hands on his hips. From her seated position, he looked very powerful and masculine and just a little intimidating.

“You can’t mean that,” she murmured, as caught off guard by his presence as by his words. “I never thought you’d be interested. You don’t know me.”

“Knowledge isn’t required. We did it, it happened, now we’ll deal with it.”

What he said sounded perfectly logical, but this was not the conversation she thought they’d be having.

But before she could say that, the front door burst open and three women entered. One was in her fifties, the others were about Carter’s age. Rachel stood and stared at them.

Carter groaned. “Mama, this is not a good time.”

“You’re one to talk about timing,” the older woman said, pushing past him to stand in front of Rachel. “A man who gets a woman pregnant without meaning to should talk about timing. Apparently he’s very good at it.”

Mama? As in...his mother?

She was about five foot two, with short blond hair and Carter’s eyes. Tiny, but Rachel could feel the energy pouring off her. The other two women were taller and pretty, but they were a little intimidating, too.

“H-how did you know?” she asked, not sure she wanted the answer.

Carter slumped into one of the club chairs opposite the sofa. “Jenny called her. Rachel, this is my mother, Nina Brockett, and two of my sisters, Liz and Merry. You don’t need to know who is who because they won’t be staying. Mama, this is Rachel.”

“Of course we’re staying,” his mother told him, then turned to Rachel. “You should sit.”

“Why would the bartender call you?” Rachel asked, wondering if this would ever make sense.

“Jenny’s a friend of the family,” Nina told her.

“We stay in touch with most of Carter’s old girlfriends,” one of his sisters offered. “There have been lots, but you’re the first one to get pregnant.”

Jenny from the bar was his ex-girlfriend?

“She’s married,” Carter said, as if he could read her mind. “I doubt you can make your escape now. You might as well sit.”

“Of course she should sit,” Nina said, moving next to Rachel, taking her hand and urging her back on the sofa. “She needs to rest. She’s going to have a baby.”

“The baby is maybe four cells big,” Carter told her. “I doubt it’s going to tire her out.”

Rachel looked at him. “You went out with Jenny?” she asked, feeling herself blush. “She pretended not to know who you were. She made me describe...”

She suddenly became aware of the other three women in the room and sank onto the sofa.

“It doesn’t matter,” she whispered.

“That Jenny has a real sense of humor,” Carter muttered.

One of the sisters smiled. “She’s great. Carter was an usher in her wedding and she was a bridesmaid in mine.”

This was way too much information, Rachel thought frantically, glancing at the door and wondering if she could make a run for it. This wasn’t happening. She hadn’t just met Carter’s mother, two sisters and his ex-girlfriend.

Nina patted her hand. “You’ll be fine. This is shocking now, but that’s because Carter didn’t tell you about us. Why my only son wouldn’t mention his family to the mother of his child, I don’t know. But I’m only the mother. No one tells me anything.”

“Save me,” Carter muttered as he rubbed his temples. “Mama, you’re not helping.”

“Of course I’m helping,” his mother insisted. “I want to help. It’s what I do best. So, what were the two of you talking about when we got here?”

Rachel glanced at the envelope on the table. Suddenly Carter’s unwillingness to walk away from his unborn child made a little more sense.

“That’s private,” Carter told her.

“You might as well tell us,” one of his sisters said. “We’ll find out anyway.”

“No, you won’t,” Carter told her. He looked at Rachel. “If you want to make a run for it, I’ll cover your back.”

“She’s not running,” Nina said and it was only then Rachel realized the older woman still had a firm grip on her hand.

Rachel tugged it free. “Carter and I have some things we need to work out,” she said weakly.

“Of course you do.” Nina smiled at her. “You’re a nice girl, I can tell. You didn’t mean to get pregnant. But it happens. So we’ll deal with it.”

We? No, no. There was no we. “Technically, I’m the one who’s pregnant,” she began.

Carter’s gaze narrowed. “And I’m the father.”

“I’m not denying that,” Rachel said, bristling. “I’m the one who came to you.”

“I would have been happy to do things the other way,” he reminded her. “You didn’t call.”

The sisters looked at each other. “Really? You went out with Carter and didn’t call the next day?” one of them asked.

“Ah...”

“The women always call,” the other sister said. “Some of them won’t stop calling.”

“Ah...”

“It gets embarrassing,” the first one continued. “I want to take them aside and tell them to have a little pride.”

“It’s not their fault,” Nina said with a proud smile. “It’s my son.”

Rachel raised her eyebrows. “Really?”

Carter groaned. “Ignore them. I mean that.”

“Maybe I want to hear about ‘the women.’”

“You don’t,” he told her. “Trust me.”

“About the baby,” Nina said, breaking the mood. “We need to talk.” Nina patted the back of her hand. “I understand. If you young people insist on putting the cart before the horse, then they need to turn the horse around.”

“What?” Rachel and Carter asked together.

Nina glanced between them. “Isn’t it obvious? You have a baby coming. You need to get married.”

CHAPTER FOUR

CARTER STOOD. HE’D been willing to let the moment run its course. Thirty years of being his mother’s son had taught him that was the easiest way to deal with her. He would listen and then do exactly what he wanted. But mother or not, she’d just crossed the line.

“Okay, that’s enough,” he said flatly and walked to the door. “Great to see you all. Thanks for stopping by.”

His mother was about a foot shorter, but that never seemed to bother her. She rose and walked over until she was in front of him, staring up, glaring.

“Carter Brockett, I’m serious.”

“So am I, Mama. This isn’t about you. This is between me and Rachel. We’re going to deal with it and we don’t need your help.”

Her brown eyes narrowed. “You’re going to have a baby, Carter. This is serious.”

He knew she meant well. He knew she loved him and would gladly throw herself in front of a train for him. But sometimes she was the biggest pain in the butt.

He bent down and kissed her. “I know, Mama. Trust me, okay?”

She sighed heavily, then nodded. As she stepped out of the house, his sisters trailed after her. Merry grinned.

“You’re in big trouble, now,” she murmured as she passed.

“Thanks for the support.”

“Any time.”

He closed the door behind them.

Rachel still sat on the sofa, although she looked a little shell-shocked. His family had that effect on people. He’d seen it many times.

He walked into the kitchen and got her a glass of ice water, then returned to the living room. She stared at him, her green eyes wide, her mouth slightly parted.

“You doing okay?” he asked.

“No.” She took the glass he offered. “Who were those people?”

He sank back into his chair. “My family. Most of them, anyway. I have another sister around somewhere. She must not have been home or she would have been part of the parade, too.”

“You have three sisters, right?”

“I’m the youngest and the only boy. My dad died before I was born so it was just me and them. A world of women.”

She sipped the water. “When you said women were the cause of all the trouble in your life, I thought you meant romantically.”

“That would have made things too easy. I’m surrounded by them. Even my dog, a stray Lab who showed up one day all skinny and pathetic, is female. Welcome to my world.”

She managed a small smile. “It’s not so bad. Your family obviously cares about you.” She took another drink. “Did Jenny really call your mother to tell her what she’d heard?”

“Oh, yeah. Jenny stayed pretty tight with her and my sisters. As have a lot of my ex-girlfriends. They show up at holidays or parties. I never know when I’m going to run into one.” Or twenty, he thought grimly. Why couldn’t his ex-girlfriends be like other women? Bitter and vindictive. Right now the idea of someone slashing his tires was a whole lot easier to deal with than someone like Jenny, who simply stayed in his world.

Not that he didn’t like Jenny—he did. She’d married a great guy, but damn, whose side was she on? Calling his mother and telling her Rachel was pregnant.

Rachel set down her glass and glanced at him. “I didn’t get pregnant on purpose.”

“I know. Neither of us planned on that. We just weren’t thinking.”

She ducked her head, but he saw her smile. “I was kind of swept away. Nothing like that has ever happened to me before.”

“Me, either.”

She looked up and rolled her eyes. “Oh, please. I might not know you very well, but I’m getting a clear idea about your past. You seem to have women lined up around the block.”

“Sure, a lot of relationships, but that kind of heat?” He shrugged, trying to remember the last time he’d felt it. “It doesn’t happen very often.”

“Are you just saying that?”

The uncertainty in her voice added to her charm. They were already in so much trouble, Carter almost felt still being attracted to her couldn’t make things worse. Except he knew it could. A relationship would only complicate the situation. Better to keep his head and think clearly. If only she didn’t smell so good.

“I don’t do lines,” he told her. “You’re beautiful and sexy and funny. You dress like a nun and you have a body made for...ah, making love,” he said, self-editing to something less graphic. “What’s not to like?”

“Wow. When you say it like that, you were lucky to have me.”

He smiled. “Yes, I was. Only now there are consequences for us to deal with.”

“The baby.”

“Right. Rachel, I’m not giving up my daughter.”

“You don’t actually know the baby is a girl.”

“Yes, I do, but that doesn’t matter. We’re going to have to work something out, because I won’t sign those papers.”

He’d understood why she’d thought he might. Many guys would jump at the chance to walk away from this kind of responsibility, but he couldn’t. He’d been raised to believe family mattered more than anything.

She leaned forward and fingered the thick envelope. “I know. I mean I didn’t know before, but I do now.” She straightened and touched her stomach. “So what do we do? No offense, but I’m not going to accept your mother’s suggestion.”

“You don’t want to marry me?” he asked, his voice teasing.

“I don’t know you.”

“I’m a great catch.”

“You certainly don’t seem to have an ego problem.”

He grinned. “I have references.”

“Apparently in the hundreds.”

“Not that many.” He stood and moved to the sofa, where he angled toward her. “How about this. We have what, eight months until the baby is born?”

“Just about.”

“Okay, let’s take that time and figure out what we want to do. Not what my mother says is best. We’ll talk about the situation and come up with a plan.” He hesitated. “You’re going to keep the baby, aren’t you?”

She stiffened. “Of course. I want this child.”

“Me, too. So what do you say? We’ll take our time and consider our options. You live in the area, I live in the area, we could easily share custody. Or figure out something else that works. Let’s get to know each other and find out what works best for us.”

She bit her lower lip, which made him think about doing that for her, which made him think about other things. They were alone in the house.

Only that wasn’t a very good idea right now.

“You’re right,” she said, obviously oblivious to the temptation she represented. “We have time. We should use it.”

“Great.” He grabbed a pen and paper from the end table and wrote down his home and cell number. Then he held the sheet out to her. “You’re not going to throw it out again, are you?”

“No, I promise I won’t.”

She reached for the paper, but he held it out of reach. “Why didn’t you call me?”

She sighed. “Are you ever going to let that go?”

“Probably not until you answer the question.”

She sank back against the sofa. “I couldn’t call you, Carter. I honestly didn’t know what to say. I’d never done anything like that in my life. I was afraid of what you’d think of me. And I was afraid of what I’d think of myself.”

He dropped the paper in her lap and gave an exaggerated sigh. “I knew it. You were just using me for sex.”

She groaned. “You’re impossible.”

“Sometimes I’m even better than that.”

“Give me those.”

She reached across the sofa and grabbed the pen and paper from him. Suddenly they were very close, with her breasts pressing against his arm and one of her hands lightly touching his stomach.

His reaction was instant and predictable. Blood rushed south, and his brain went blank, except for the burning need to pull her into his arms.

Her gaze locked with his and he was gratified to see an answering fire there. Unfortunately, she had more self-control.

“I’ll, ah, give you my number,” she murmured as she drew back and quickly wrote down the information. “We should plan to get together and talk some more.”

“How about Saturday?” he asked.

She handed him back the pad. “Okay. Do you want to go out or...” She shook her head. “No matter what I say, it’s going to sound like a date.”

“It’s not a date,” he told her, suddenly wishing it was. “Let’s go casual. I’ll bring dinner to your place. That way we won’t be interrupted.”

She blinked several times.

“While we talk,” he added, emphasizing the last word. “Just talk.”

“Okay. That’s fine. We’ll talk.”

* * *

CARTER WENT OUT back and whistled for Goldie. The golden Lab, named by one of his nieces, strolled out of her plush doghouse, stretched and ambled toward him. She gave him a quick lick on the hand by way of greeting, then bumped her head against his thigh so he would rub her ears.

“Have you noticed everything in this relationship is about you?” he asked conversationally as he obliged her for a couple of minutes. “Come on. We’re going to see Mama.”

The magic name perked up Goldie and she trotted eagerly to the side gate. Carter let her out, then followed her down the street. Goldie paused at the curb until he’d checked for traffic, then dashed across to a tidy front yard. She sniffed the big tree in front, raced up the two steps, rose on her back legs and pressed her paw against the bell.

The front door opened and his mother appeared.

“Goldie. Such a pretty dog. Come in, come in. I have some nice pot roast from last night. I saved you some.” His mother held open the screen door for the dog, then glanced at him. “If you’re going to tell me to mind my own business, you can go home now.”

“That’s exactly what I’m going to tell you and you know you’d never send me away without feeding me first.”

“You think you know everything,” his mother grumbled, but held the screen door open for him, too, then shooed him into the kitchen.

Carter had grown up in this house. He’d painted walls, laid tile and, when he was nine, broken the front window with a high fly ball hit from Billy Hinton’s front yard. There were a lot of memories under this roof. Mostly good ones.

The kitchen was large and open, with painted cabinets and a six-burner stove that was always in use. Right now marinara sauce bubbled away.

He glanced around at the table. “Where are the girls?” He’d expected an inquisition.

“I sent them home. I wanted to talk to you alone.”

That was never good news, he thought glumly as he pulled up a stool at the island and took a cookie from the ever-present plate of them. Neither the alone part nor her confidence that he would stop by.

“I appreciate your interest,” he told his mother. “I love you, but stay out of this. Rachel and I have to figure out what to do ourselves.”

“What to do?”

His mother might be short, but she was formidable when she got her back up. Right now, with him on the stool, they were perilously close to eye level. She glared at him.

“What to do?” she repeated, sounding both outraged and furious. “If you get a girl pregnant, Carter, you marry her. I raised you to know that.”

There was something mythic about his mother. Carter had never figured out the source of her power, but he respected it. With the right look and tone of voice, she could make him feel as if he were ten years old again.

“Things have changed,” he said. “Lots of women have babies on their own. That’s what Rachel wants to do.” The woman had tried to get him to sign away his own child. Nothing about those actions indicated a burning desire to marry him.

“Did you propose? Did you offer to take responsibility?”

“I said I wanted to be a part of my child’s life. I want to share custody with her.”

His mother walked to the sink, where she began rinsing pots. “Share custody. What does that mean? Half a life with a child? You’re having a baby, Carter. This isn’t a game. You have to marry this girl.”

“She doesn’t want to marry me.”

“How do you know? Have you asked?”

He didn’t mention the legal paperwork. She wouldn’t understand a woman expecting a man to walk away from a child and it might make her dislike Rachel. Nina Brockett was a wonderful woman, but she could hold a grudge for decades. Better to take the fall himself. After all, Rachel was going to be his baby’s mother, so there would be plenty of contact between Rachel and his mother.

“I already know the answer,” he said.

“You think you do, but you could be wrong. Stranger things have happened.”

“Mama, give it a rest.”

She flung down a dishcloth and spun to face him. “I won’t give it a rest. You’re my son. We’re talking about your firstborn child. You have to be a father to that baby.”

He put down the cookie. “I’m going to be,” he said quietly. “I’ll be there.”

Her expression softened. “I know, Carter. I’m sorry. You know more than anyone what it’s like to grow up without a father.”

“Then trust me to do the right thing,” he said.

“I can’t even trust you to wear a condom.”

Every now and then she surprised the hell out of him. Desperate to escape he looked around for Goldie, who was nosing the now licked-clean dish on the floor by the pantry.

“I gotta go,” he said as he stood, then whistled for his dog.

“Marry the girl.”

“I love you, Mama.”

“I love you, too. I’d love you more if you’d marry Rachel.”

“Good to know.”

He let himself out and made his way back to his house, knowing he could run but he couldn’t hide. Once his mother had something lodged in her brain, she never let it go. She would be all over him until he and Rachel had tied the knot.

The thing was he didn’t object to marriage in theory...for other people. But honestly, he didn’t see the point. Why be with one person forever?

His sisters kept telling him he didn’t understand because he’d never been in love. That one day he would fall and fall hard, and they all couldn’t wait to be there.

He told them hell would freeze over first, but he hadn’t meant it. He wouldn’t mind falling in love. He wanted to feel that he couldn’t live without the one person who made him want to get up every morning. Only he’d never found anyone who came close to that. Eventually he’d decided that romantic love was a myth—a product of greeting card advertisers.

If Rachel had wanted to get married to give the baby his name, he probably would have said yes, as long as she understood he wasn’t about to fall in love with her. But from what he’d seen, that was the last thing on her mind. So they would work something out—a sensible plan that took care of all their needs and the baby’s as well. Because he knew one thing for sure—he might not believe in romantic love, but he knew about a parent’s love for a child and no one was going to keep him from that.

* * *

“I’M HAVING WINE,” Crissy said as they took their seats in the restaurant after knitting class. “I need it. I swear, I have an anti-knitting gene. If it wasn’t that I wanted to hang out with you two so much, I would have given up that first week.”

“You’re not that bad,” Noelle said kindly.

“Jan flinched when I showed her what I’d done. Did you see that?” Crissy asked, then shook her head. “I know you’re going to want to take the advanced class and she’s never going to let me. She’ll probably hire a security guard just to keep me out.”

Rachel laughed. “I don’t think she cares that much. You’re doing fine.”

Crissy picked up her menu. “You mean you’re able to rework what I’ve messed up and it looks okay.” She shook her head. “I need to let it go. I’m a good person with a successful career.”

“And a really nice car,” Noelle added.

“Very upscale,” Rachel said, remembering the too-cute coupe her friend had leased that week.

“I have good friends,” Crissy said. “That should be enough, right? I don’t date, but that’s by choice. Another first date is the last thing I need. So I’m good. I can let the knitting thing go.”

“Let it fly free,” Rachel told her. “The yarn will thank you.”

Noelle chuckled. Crissy rolled her eyes. “It’s not my fault,” she muttered as she opened her menu. “I hate the yarn.”

“It knows,” Rachel said, hiding her smile. “It knows and it flinches when it sees you coming.”

Crissy set down her menu and leaned across the table. “It’s not fair. I have absolutely no crafty or homemaking type talents.”

Rachel thought of her friend’s minichain of women-only gyms. She’d opened her fourth the previous year and was looking at locations for a fifth.

“Want to trade paychecks?” Rachel asked brightly.

Crissy grinned. “Thanks, but no. You do a good thing, teaching those little kids, and you’ll get your reward in heaven. Mine is more immediate.”

“That’s okay,” Rachel assured her. “I’ve always wanted to be a kindergarten teacher.” She’d planned to dance for ten or fifteen years, then go teach. As it was, the teaching had started a little early.

Crissy picked up her menu. “What are we all having? Rachel, have some wine, please. I hate to drink alone and Noelle is obviously out of the running on that.”

Rachel opened her mouth, then closed it. She wasn’t sure what to say, or how. Of course she’d planned on telling her friends about the baby, but now? Like this?

Noelle glanced at her. “Are you all right? You’ve been a little quiet all evening.”

“I’m good,” Rachel said.

Crissy smiled. “So what’s going on? It had to be something, because I know you’re not pregnant like this one here.”

Rachel drew in a breath. “Actually, I am.”

Noelle’s eyes widened. “Rachel, are you serious? Really? That’s so great.”

Crissy blinked twice, then raised her arm. “Waiter, I need a margarita here. Right away.” She lowered her arm. “Pregnant? As in ‘with child’? Are you sure?”

Rachel nodded. “I peed on seven sticks. It was quite the event.”

“So there’s a guy,” Crissy said. “There has to be a guy. But I didn’t know you were seeing anyone.” She looked at Noelle. “Did you know?”

“No.” Noelle glanced between them. “She’s right. There’s a guy. So who is he?”

“A complicated question,” Rachel admitted.

The waiter appeared with Crissy’s drink. They placed their food order and when he was gone, Noelle leaned forward and rested her forearms on the table.

“Spill,” she said.

Rachel sipped her water. “Okay, I’ll tell you, but please don’t judge me. I never do this sort of thing. I don’t date much and I never ever sleep with a guy right away.”

Crissy picked up her drink. “You slept with a guy on the first date? Wow—my respect was linked to your ability to knit and hang out with little kids, but this is even better. Tell everything. Start at the beginning and talk slowly.”

Rachel explained about going to the bar with Diane and how Carter bought her a drink and that they got to talking. She detailed Diane driving off without her and that Carter had offered her a lift.

“It was supposed to just be a good-night kiss,” Rachel admitted. “I never expected to lose control like that.”

“It must have been some kiss,” Crissy said.

Rachel willed herself not to blush. “We, ah, got swept away. Like in the movies. He left the next morning for an early meeting. He wrote me a note and gave me his phone number.”

Noelle folded her arms over her chest. “You’ve been going out all this time and never told us?”

“We haven’t been dating,” Rachel said.

Crissy sipped her drink. “You met a guy who kisses so great you were compelled to have sex with him and you’re not dating?”

“I didn’t call him.”

“Why not?” Noelle and Crissy asked together.

Rachel moved her fork around on her napkin. “I don’t know. I didn’t know what to say. I mean, what would he think of me after that night we’d spent together? I’m not really that kind of person.”

Crissy rolled her eyes. “You didn’t call him because you thought he’d think you were slutty.” She paused. “Do we still say ‘slutty’? Am I dating myself?”

“You’re doing fine,” Noelle told her, then turned to Rachel. “I know you’d feel awkward, but why wouldn’t you want to see him again?”

Rachel honestly didn’t have an answer. Now that she’d talked to Carter again, even under really difficult circumstances, she’d seen that she liked him, even without the sex thing.

“It’s complicated,” she said. “I thought avoiding him was for the best.”

“But then you turned up pregnant,” Crissy said. “That had to have been an interesting conversation. Or have you told him yet.”

“I told him,” she said. “Actually, first I went to a lawyer.”

She explained about the paperwork she’d had drawn up.

Noelle gasped. “Did he sign it? Did he really sign away his baby?”

“No,” Rachel admitted. “He refused. I think he was kind of insulted I’d even asked. Then his mother and two of his sisters walked in and they know I’m pregnant.”

Crissy and Noelle exchanged a confused look. “Where did his mother come from?” Crissy asked.

Rachel explained about meeting at the bar and Jenny and then following Carter home.

“His mother thinks we should get married.”

“She’s right,” Noelle said primly. “You’re having a baby together. It’s the right thing to do.”

“It’s a new century,” Crissy said. “No one has to get married anymore. At least not here. Rachel, honey, you do whatever you want. If that means being a single mom, then yay you.”

“Work isn’t a problem,” she said slowly. “One of the other teachers got pregnant and had a baby last year and she’s not married.”

Noelle leaned forward. “Of course you can be a single parent if you want to be, but isn’t that the question? Do you want to do this on your own? Dev and I had a marriage of convenience and look how that turned out.”

“You’re the one in a million,” Crissy said. “Rachel, you don’t have to marry a complete stranger.”

“Actually he’s not a complete stranger,” Noelle said smugly. “She’s seen him naked.”

“There is that,” Crissy said. “What do you want?”

Rachel sighed. “I don’t know. Carter and I have agreed to get to know each other and then figure things out. And don’t forget, the marriage was his mother’s idea, not his. He never mentioned it at all.”

“What would you have said if he had?” Noelle asked.

“I don’t know that, either,” she admitted. She thought about her conversation with Carter. “Do I dress like a nun?”

Noelle had been drinking her water and now she choked as she tried not to spit. “What?”

“My clothes. I try to dress low-key for the kids. Plus I need things that are washable. But do I dress... I don’t know...too conservative?”

Crissy eyed her short-sleeved blouse and long skirt. “You’re not on the fashion cutting edge, but you always look nice. Who said you dressed like a nun?”

Rachel shrugged.

“Carter,” Crissy said knowingly.

“He didn’t mean it in a bad way,” Rachel told her. “He was talking about finding me attractive, even though I dress like a nun.”

“She’s defending him,” Noelle said conversationally. “That’s step one.”

“It’s not step anything,” Rachel said. “I’m explaining.”

“Oooh, step two,” Crissy teased. Then her smile faded. “Look, you have to do what feels right for you, Rachel. Whether it’s your clothes or your job or your baby. It is your baby, so don’t let anyone else make the decisions for you.”

“It’s also Carter’s baby,” Noelle said gently. “He sounds like a man who wants to be a father.”

“He is,” Rachel said, more confused than ever. “Plus there’s his whole family. They seem really nice.”

The kind of family she remembered hers being. Could she be a part of that now? Under these circumstances?

“Carter said we should take our time,” Rachel told him. “We’re going to meet and talk and figure it all out.”

“Sounds like a sensible plan to me,” Crissy said. “Just don’t be rash.”

“I don’t do rash,” Rachel said.

“All evidence to the contrary,” Crissy said, with a pointed glance at Rachel’s midsection.

“Okay. Just that one time. My point is, in one way or another I’ve been on my own since I was twelve. I know how to take care of myself.”

“Maybe that’s not the issue,” Noelle said. “Now there’s going to be someone else.”

“A baby,” Rachel murmured. “I’m still having trouble dealing with that. I don’t feel pregnant.”

“I didn’t for a long time, either,” Noelle said, “but I wasn’t talking about the baby. I meant there was going to be Carter.”

“But he’s not in my life.”

“If you’re going to have a baby together,” Crissy told her, “then I would say he is. Permanently.”

CHAPTER FIVE

RACHEL PACED NERVOUSLY the last twenty minutes before Carter was due to arrive. Despite his promise for them to just “talk,” she couldn’t help remembering what had happened the last time he’d been here. Even worse, she couldn’t seem to twist that remembering in such a way that she felt bad about it.

Okay, yes, the pregnancy had her totally freaked, and given the chance to magically undo the moment of conception, she was fairly sure she would. But she couldn’t help breathing just a little faster every time she recalled what she’d felt like when he’d touched her. Which meant she would have to be extra careful tonight and make sure there wasn’t a repeat of those events. Things between them were complicated enough without adding that to the mix.

She glanced around at the dining alcove in her apartment. She’d set the table three different ways and had finally settled on the more casual place mats and paper napkins. This wasn’t a date, after all. Just friends getting together to discuss some issues. Only she and Carter weren’t friends and a baby counted for more than just an “issue.”

She’d worked herself into such a frenzy that she was actually grateful when she heard footsteps on the balcony.

“Hi,” she said, pulling open the front before he could knock.

“Hi, yourself.” Carter smiled, then stepped inside. “I’d forgotten your thing for plants.”

“It’s a hobby,” she admitted, motioning to the hanging baskets and overflowing tiered plant stands in the living room.

He handed her a picnic basket. “Dinner,” he said. “I hope you like pasta.”

“Sure. Who doesn’t?”

He looked good. Normally she liked guys who were the more button-down-collar type, with short hair and loafers. Carter’s shaggy dark blond hair hung nearly to his shoulders. He wore his faded red shirt outside his battered jeans and while he’d put on loafers, they were old and he wasn’t wearing socks.

She should have been disapproving or at least unimpressed. Instead she found herself wanting to run her hands up and down his chest to see if the shirt was really as soft as it looked and he was as...

She hurried into the kitchen. Danger, she thought as she set the basket on the narrow counter. She had to keep her mind from wandering. She had to be smart and careful and...something else she couldn’t remember right now.

She opened the basket and stared at the stacked glass containers inside. “What is all this?”

Carter moved close and peered over her shoulder. “Ravioli, extra sauce, salad, dressing, garlic bread and something for dessert. I can’t tell what it is.”

“You don’t know what you made?”

He looked at her and grinned. “I didn’t cook any of this. My sisters make regular contributions to my refrigerator. Word got out that we were having dinner together tonight and this appeared. I only dragged it along.”

“Interesting system,” she said, thinking it would be pretty nice to find dinner waiting for her when she got home after a long day.

“I like it. I never know what’s for dinner, but then I enjoy surprises.”

Even mine? Except she didn’t ask the question—mostly because she wasn’t sure she wanted to hear the answer.

“There are instructions,” he said, reaching around her and pulling a piece of paper out of the basket.

She was aware of how close they were standing and the way his forearm almost brushed against her waist.

He handed her a typed sheet and for a second she couldn’t unclog her brain enough to read. Then she blinked and the words came into focus.

“Ravioli on the stove with the extra sauce,” she said, telling herself it was a good thing that he moved back and refusing to feel disappointed that he hadn’t spun her in his arms and kissed her. “Garlic bread in the oven. Salad and dressing in the refrigerator along with the dessert. Oh, it’s tiramisu. Did one of your sisters really make it?”

“I guess.”

“I’ve never had it homemade before. I can’t wait.”

“Merry will be delighted to know she’s made a good impression.”

He gave her a smile that made her insides quiver. Okay, she had to get a grip. She was reacting to his superficial good looks and some chemistry. But there were things that were much more important than that. Such as who Carter was as a man. She should focus on the insides and ignore the pretty package.

She put the food away, started the oven to preheat it, then asked if he’d like something to drink.

“I got a six-pack of that beer you were drinking at the bar,” she said. “Would you like a bottle?”

“Sure. Thanks.”

She collected it and a bottle of water for herself, then led the way back into her small living room. As they sat on the sofa, Rachel did her best to ignore the fact that these cushions had been the scene of the crime less than a month ago.

“Your sisters must live close to you,” she said. “If they’re bringing over food.”

He leaned back and took a drink of his beer. “Too close. In a weak moment I bought a house on the same street as my mom and sisters. I like the free food delivery, but they’re always dropping in, as you saw. I would like to be a little farther away, but right now moving would take too much time.”

“Still, so much family nearby is nice.”

He studied her with his dark eyes. “What happened to your family?”

She smoothed the front of her khakis. “My parents and my brother were killed in a car accident when I was twelve. There were no other relatives.”

“I’m sorry,” he said, leaning toward her. “What happened to you? Where did you go?”

“Into foster care.” She shrugged. “Don’t worry. It wasn’t awful. The people who took me in were actually pretty nice. I grew up, finished high school and then went to college.”

“You make it sound easy,” he told her. “It can’t have been. In one second, everything changed for you.”

She still had nightmares about those days after the accident. About being all alone and knowing nothing would ever feel right again. She remembered vowing she would never, ever feel that much pain again and so far she’d managed to keep her word. She had friends, of course, but no one she couldn’t imagine living without.

“It was hard,” she admitted. “If I’d had grandparents or aunts or uncles, I think it would have been better. Some family to care about me.”

“Now you take care of other people’s children.”

She smiled. “I know—it’s not hard to figure out why I went into teaching. I wanted to be there for my kids.”

“How long have you been teaching?”

People usually asked more questions about her loss. She sensed that Carter wanted more information and she appreciated his sensitivity in changing the subject. “This is my fourth year. I love everything about it. Even the messes. I asked the principal about starting a small garden in the spring and she okayed a nice open area near the play yard. That will be fun.”

He glanced at the tangle of plants on the coffee table. “Just don’t bring anything home. You’re already at risk of becoming a pod person.”

She laughed. “My plants know I love them. They’d never hurt me.”

“You say that now, but wait until you wake up with a thorn growing out of your neck and stalks instead of arms.”

“I’m not worried. What about you? Tell me about your work.”

“I can’t believe you’re interested in carburetors and timing belts. You’re too much a girl.”

“Excuse me?” She raised her eyebrows. “Are you saying because of my gender, I’m not into cars?”

“Are you?”

“Well, no, but I could be if I wanted.”

“Sure you could. So are you seeing anyone?”

The shift in subject startled her. “You mean like a guy?”

“I’m comfortable with your relationship with the plants.”

She fought against the need to spring to her feet and glare down at him. “I wouldn’t have slept with you if I’d been seeing someone else. How can you even ask? Are you seeing someone else?”

“I told you, I was off women until you came along and tempted me. It’s not an unreasonable question.”

“It is to me. I’m not that kind of person.”

She regretted the words as soon as she spoke them. Gee, wow—talk about a moral code. She wasn’t the kind of woman to sleep with one man while dating another, but she would bring a guy home from a bar and have sex with him.

“I’ve never done anything like that before,” she murmured. “I shouldn’t have... “

Carter slid across the sofa and touched her arm. “Hey, no beating yourself up. It’s not allowed. Sometimes things happen and we deal with them. That’s what we’re doing right now. Dealing.”

“But you think I’m awful.”

“I don’t. I think you got swept away, just like I did. Of course, I blame you for that.”

She made a sound that was both a laugh and something way too close to a sob. No tears, she thought. Not over this. She preferred to save her crying for something more tragic. While she didn’t know how she felt about being pregnant by a man she barely knew, no one had died. They would get through this.

“You okay?” he asked.

She nodded.

He moved back to his side of the sofa, which was both good and bad. She liked having him close and touching her. Of course that would only lead to trouble.

“So we get to know each other,” he said. “Then we make some decisions about how we’re going to handle the baby.”

“I agree.” She picked up her bottle of water and looked at him. “You never proposed.”

His reaction was almost comical. His whole body stiffened. His eyes darted from side to side and he looked ready to bolt.

“Did you want me to?”

She was impressed by how calm he sounded as he asked the question, and she did her best to hide her smile.

“It is traditional,” she pointed out.

His gaze narrowed. “You’re screwing with me.”

She felt the corners of her mouth turn up. “Maybe a little.”

He grinned. “I like that in a woman.”

* * *

BY THE TIME they finished dinner, there was a whole lot more that he liked about Rachel. She was smart, and she was funny. She held her own when he pushed back and yet he could make her blush without trying.

“I would have expected lots of dance trophies all around the place,” he said when they’d cleared the table and returned to the living room. “Didn’t you say it was your secret passion?”

“It was. I had big plans to be a professional ballerina. If that didn’t work out, I was willing to go be on Broadway.”

“I’m sure New York theater was delighted to be your backup plan.”

She laughed. “Yeah, I know. The arrogance of youth. Eventually I figured out I wasn’t going to be a professional dancer, so I switched dreams.”

There was something in the way she said the words that told him the decision hadn’t been an easy one. “You kept on dancing, though.”

“Sure. I take a couple of classes every week. More in the summer. I’m not sure how long I’ll be able to keep them up.” She touched her stomach as she spoke.

He eyed her belly and wondered when she would start showing. All his sisters had kids, but he’d never paid much attention to their pregnancies except to hope they had boys—which they never did.

“Any symptoms?” he asked.

“Aside from panic? Not yet. I’ll be making a doctor’s appointment to find out what I should and shouldn’t be doing. I know to avoid alcohol and medications. Neither is really a problem for me. Aside from that, I’m in the dark.”

“Me, too.”

“You’re a guy. That’s expected. Shouldn’t I have some maternal instincts that are activated just by me being pregnant?”

“Maybe they wait for the baby to be born.”

She tucked her hair behind her ears. “I hope so, because otherwise, I’m pretty clueless.”

“There’s time.”

“That’s what I tell myself.”

He looked around at the bright colors on the wall and the little touches like candles and bowls of stuff that smelled. “Your place is nice.”

“Thanks. I like to decorate. Your house was nice, too. I only saw the living room, but it wasn’t bachelor pad central.”

“My sisters,” he said by way of explanation. “They meddled.”

She smiled. “In some cultures, that would be called helping.”

“Yeah, well, in some cultures they’d ask first. But I didn’t mind too much. They had some good ideas. I did most of the work myself. I remodeled the kitchen and did all the painting.”

“Really? You know how to do that kind of thing?”

He nodded. “My mom worried about me growing up without a father and with only sisters in the house so she was always sending me off to spend the weekend with my friends and their dads. I learned to do basic carpentry, change oil in a car, ride a motorcycle. I don’t think she was too excited about that last one.”

“Not many mothers would be. But that was good of her, to take care of you that way.”

“She’s all right.” He wasn’t going to have a discussion about how much he loved his mother. That was too twisted for the already complicated situation. Time to get back to the one thing that had been on his mind since before dinner.

He leaned toward Rachel. He knew she’d been kidding before, but he wasn’t sure if she’d been hinting. “Did you want to get married, Rachel?”

Her eyes widened as she shook her head. “No. It’s okay. No proposals are required. Really.”

That was a relief. “So what do you want to do?”

She bit her lower lip, which probably meant she was confused. Most of him got that. But the real male part of him interpreted that little movement as an invitation. Sort of a “come kiss me” kind of invitation.

He wanted her. Even knowing she was pregnant didn’t change that. He wanted to touch her and taste her and claim her. That single night together had been a good start, but there were so many things they hadn’t done.

“What we’re doing. Talking. Figuring it out without making any rash decisions.”

“I can avoid rash,” he said.

She smiled. “Have you ever been married?”

“No. Not my thing.”

“Is it the fidelity issue? Being with just one woman?”

“I’ve only ever been with one woman at a time,” he said. “Never cheated.”

He’d never wanted to. It wasn’t as if he needed more women in his life.

“You’re not that into marriage, either,” he said, remembering that she’d been engaged twice but never married.

“I will be,” she told him. “It wasn’t right before.”

He almost asked what would make it right, because that’s what he had trouble with. How did anyone know when it was right?

“Will you stay here?” he asked, nodding at the apartment.

“I haven’t thought that far ahead. There are two bedrooms, but... Gee, now I have to think about moving. I guess the baby will want a yard.”

“Not the first week.”

She laughed. “Good point. I have time.”

“If money’s an issue, I could help.”

She shifted on the sofa. “Okay, we’ve officially crossed into uncomfortable territory. Let’s avoid talk of moving and money for a while.”

“Fair enough.”

She shook her head. “Carter, I’m really sorry this happened. I didn’t mean to mess up your life. Or mine.”

“We’ll make it through. Kids aren’t that bad.”

“You don’t actually know that.”

“My sisters are doing fine and between them they have a bunch.”

“So you’re an uncle.”

“Many times over. And now that they’re married, there are finally guys around.”

“There aren’t that many women in your family.”

He looked at her. “I only have nieces.”

“You’re kidding.”

“No. Chances are you’re having a girl.”

She smiled. “I’d like that.”

Under other circumstances, the relaxed body language and gentle smile would have been his cue to move in for a kiss and whatever else was being offered. Under these circumstances, that wouldn’t be the wisest move.

Instead he stood and stretched. “I should get going. Thanks for dinner.”

“I only heated it. I should thank you. And your sisters.”

“I’ll tell them you had seconds. That’s thanks enough for them.”

“Everything was great. Thanks for bringing it.” She followed him to the front door. “We didn’t really get anything resolved.”

He smiled at her and fought against the need to feel her mouth on his. “Sure we did. I know you’re a sucker for tiramisu and that dancing on Broadway was your second choice.”

She swayed toward him. “You know what I mean. About the baby. But you’re right. We have time. I...” She ducked her head, then looked at him. “I know neither of us wanted this to happen, but since it did, I’m glad it was you.”

She blushed bright red. “I mean, you’re really nice and I know you want me to think you’re dangerous, but you’re really not and I think you’ll be a good dad. That’s all I meant. Nothing, you know...”

“Mushy?”

She smiled. “Yeah. Mushy.”

He gave in because after that little speech, how could he not? He put one hand on her shoulder, leaned toward her and lightly brushed her mouth with his.

Her lips were as warm and soft as he remembered. His body went on instant alert, but he ignored the wanting and drew back.

“I’ll give you a call the first part of next week,” he said. “We’ll do this again.”

“I’d like that. Night, Carter.”

“Night.”

He walked to his truck and climbed inside. It was barely ten on a Saturday night and he didn’t feel like going home.

He made a U-turn and headed the couple of miles to the Blue Dog Bar. Once he arrived, he parked a street away and walked in through the kitchen entrance, so he wouldn’t be seen by anyone up front.

George stood by the deep fryer where most of the snacks were made. “Hey, Carter. What’s up?”

“Not much. Is Jenny around?”

“Sure. Watch this. They need to come out when the buzzer sounds. I’ll go get her.”

Carter monitored a basket of what looked like chicken wings until George returned with Jenny in tow.

“Hey, you,” she said. “How are things?”

“Okay. Can you take a break?”

“Already told Dan I’d be gone for a few minutes.”

Jenny followed him into a small breakroom in the back. At this hour it was empty. They settled on some plastic chairs placed around a round table.

“Dan was a little hurt,” Jenny said. “You know he hates it when you talk to me instead of him.”

“He’s a typical guy, same as me. How is he going to help?”

“He’s not,” Jenny said with a grin. “But he has delusions of grandeur.”

“Is that why you married him?”

“I couldn’t wait for you forever, darlin’.”

“I don’t remember you waiting at all.” He leaned back in the chair. “You called my mother.”

“I know. I was there.”

“You’re supposed to be my friend. That means being on my side.”

“There’s a baby now, Carter. You don’t get a side.”

“Still, you could have waited.”

“Actually I called more for Rachel than for you.”

He didn’t question how Jenny knew Rachel’s name. Her sisters were close to Jenny and would have filled her in on everything they knew.

“Rachel’s fine.”

“I wanted to be sure,” Jenny said. “I have to tell you, I’m surprised. You were always compulsively careful.”

There was something about the way she said it. “Was that a problem for you?”

“Not a problem, more of a symptom. You made it clear you wouldn’t be trapped and while I wasn’t interested in that, a woman likes to think a man can be swept away from time to time.”

“Look what happens when he is.”

Jenny nodded. “You don’t seem too angry.”

“I’m not. I’m...” He wasn’t sure what he felt. He’d always liked kids and had thought he’d want them in his life. It was the whole marriage thing he couldn’t relate to.

“Think I have what it takes to be a good father?” he asked lightly, although he was deadly serious about the question.

“Absolutely,” she said. “You’ll be great. You know your mom thinks you should marry Rachel.”

“I think she mentioned that. What do you think?”

“That a baby changes everything. For what it’s worth, marriage is pretty cool.”

“I can’t believe you’re happy with Dan when you had me.”

She laughed. “He loves me and you never did. Besides, you’re not all that.”

“Sure I am.”

“Okay, yes you are, but you were never the one for me and I wasn’t the one for you.”

He didn’t think he had a “one” but there was no point in saying that to Jenny.

She stood, walked around the table, then bent over and kissed him on the cheek. “You’re going to be a daddy, Carter. It’s time to stop playing and grow up.”

“I’m plenty grown-up.”

“You’re still fooling around. Look at what you’re doing with your life. Get a real job.”

He frowned. “I have a real job.”

“You know what I mean.” She touched his earring. “You’ve always gotten by on charm and looks, that body and a great personality. Now it’s time for some substance.”

“Ouch.”

“I only say this because I love you. I have to get back to work.”

She left the breakroom. Carter stayed where he was.

Jenny had always been able to say the words. For her, professing love was as easy as folding socks. But not for him. Oh, he knew he loved his family and cared about his friends. But love, romantic love?

Not even once.

He told himself it didn’t matter. That he was still a great guy. He almost believed it, too. Only he couldn’t figure out why his heart had never been touched and what about him would change if it was.

* * *

RACHEL PICKED UP the containers of paint and carried them to the sink. The mess was indescribable, but it had been worth it. Her class had met all its goals for the week and because of that, they’d been able to pick their reward. Unfortunately for her, the reward had been finger painting. Both she and the room were now brightly colored and smudgy, but the water-based product would wash off and she and her class had had a great time together. She’d even created a finger-painting masterpiece of her own, although she had no idea what she was going to do with it.

She’d just finished washing off the tables when she noticed three men walking toward her classroom. They’d come through the play area, so they were visible through the large set of windows in her room. All three were in uniform, two from the local police and one in what looked like a firefighter uniform.

Her first thought was that they were coming to arrest her, only she hadn’t done anything wrong. Her second was that her apartment had burned down. She met them at the door.

“Is it bad?” she asked fearfully. “Is everything gone?”

The firefighter smiled. “Everything’s fine. You’re Rachel Harper, right?”

Everything was all right? “Yes, that’s me.”

“Good,” one of the cops said. “We’d hate to welcome the wrong person into the family.”

Rachel blinked. “Excuse me?”

One of the guys nudged the other two. “This works better if we introduce ourselves. I’m Frank and I’m married to Liz. This is Adam. He’s with Merry.” He pointed to the other police officer. “Gordon’s married to Shelly. This is complicated enough without worrying about last names. You can learn them later.”

It took her a second to figure out what they were talking about. “You’re married to Carter’s sisters,” she said more to herself than to them.

Gordon, the firefighter, said, “The family is kind of crazy close, but that’s what makes them so special. Our wives have been talking about you, so we thought we’d come down and introduce ourselves when things were quiet. It will make it easier to get to know the family.”

“It was really nice of you to stop by,” she said, “and I don’t mean to sound rude, but why did you?”

“Because of Carter. Now that the two of you are getting married,” Frank said.

“Married?” Rachel took a step back. “I don’t think so. Not married. Carter and I barely...” She hesitated, thinking that due to her pregnancy, saying she and Carter barely knew each would be really tacky. She cleared her throat. “We’re not getting married.”

All three men glanced at her midsection. “You have to,” Gordon said. “You’re going to have Carter’s baby.”

That was the theory, she thought, still not sure any of this was real, although thinking about it too much sent her into a panic.

“Once you start to show,” Adam said, “won’t you want to be married? I know this is sudden, but Carter’s a good guy to have at your back. I’d trust him with my life. I have.”

She frowned. “Excuse me? How? He works in a motorcycle shop.”

“Right.” Adam shrugged. “Still, I’d let him date my sister.”

There was a recommendation, Rachel thought, not sure if she should laugh or run for the hills.

“You’re all being terrific,” she said carefully. “I really appreciate the support and the welcome, but Carter and I...”

Three pairs of disapproving eyes focused on her.

“That is, I don’t think we...” She pressed her lips together. This was her life. She didn’t have to answer to anyone. If Carter was happy to not marry her, why did these guys get a vote?

But she didn’t know how to say that and for reasons not clear to her, she couldn’t seem to tell the three of them to mind their own business. Maybe it was because they were part of a family and she’d wanted that ever since she’d lost hers.

“We’re dating,” she said at last, doing her best not to wince at the lie. “We’re dating and we’re really hopeful.”

She smiled brightly and prayed that was enough. The three guys nodded.

“Good,” Frank said. “Okay, then. We’ll let you get back to work now. But if you need anything—I mean anything—just call. One of us can always get to you. Okay? You’re not alone anymore, Rachel. You’re one of us.”

With that, they left. She stared after them knowing that the smart, independent side of her should resent the implication that she couldn’t handle things on her own. When in truth, she was really touched by their visit and envious of their closeness. What would it be like to be a part of a family like that?

She drew in a deep breath and reminded herself that she had a more pressing problem. Namely informing Carter that they were now a dating couple. Honestly, she had no idea how he was going to take the news.

CHAPTER SIX

CARTER ARRIVED AT Rachel’s house after work. She’d left a message for him on his cell, saying that his brothers-in-law had stopped by and that she needed to talk to him. She hadn’t said much else, but then she hadn’t had to. He could imagine how the conversation had gone.

As he climbed up the stairs to her apartment, he wondered if any of the three had told her about his real job. Some women were fine with it but others freaked.

She opened the door before he could knock. “Thanks for coming. I just didn’t...” She drew in a breath. “Okay. Come in and we’ll talk, right? Because that’s what rational grown-ups do. We talk. We don’t panic, we don’t allow ourselves to be influenced by the thoughts of others. Especially people we don’t know. I mean, I’m sure your family is perfectly lovely, but they don’t have the right to dictate how I live my life. Plus, I have to say, I hated the disapproval. I understand it, sort of. They care about you and they want you to get what you want. I don’t mind that, either, but you’ve made it really clear you’re not interested in marrying me and who am I to complain? I don’t want to get married, either.”

He’d been content to let her wind down, but when it became obvious that wasn’t going to happen anytime soon, he stepped in to fix the problem.

He moved into the apartment, grabbed Rachel by her upper arms, drew her to him and kissed her firmly on the mouth.

He had a brief impression of heat and softness, then he pulled back. The reaction was exactly what he’d hoped. She stopped talking and stared at him.

“You kissed me.”

“I know,” he said with a grin. “I was there.”

“I didn’t think there would be kissing.”

“There doesn’t have to be if you don’t like it. I didn’t know how else to get you to take a breath. Whatever happened, we can fix it.”

She closed the front door behind him and shook her head. “You’d think so, wouldn’t you? But I have my doubts.”

He had a feeling she was going to get wound up again, and while he wouldn’t mind the excuse to kiss her a second time, they needed to make a little progress on the information front.

“Tell me what happened,” he said as he led her to the brightly colored sofa and urged her to sit. “Start at the beginning.”

She sank down. He settled next to her and waited.

“Your brothers-in-law came to visit me at school today.”

He groaned. “During class?”

“No, after.” She flopped against the back of the sofa. “How on earth would I have explained them if they’d showed up in the middle of the day? Five-year-olds can ask a lot of questions. I can only imagine the phone calls from worried parents after a visit like that.”

“There won’t be another visit like that,” he told her, knowing when he got home, he was going to have a little talk with his sisters. He appreciated their concern, but this wasn’t their business.

“I hope you’re right,” Rachel told him. “I mean it was really nice to meet them, even if I wasn’t sure who was who, let alone which guy had which sister. But Carter, they think we’re getting married. They sort of implied it was required. I don’t know what I want. I haven’t even accepted the fact that I’m pregnant. I saw the truth on the test sticks, so I have the information in my head, but I really don’t believe it. Not yet. And when I do try to convince myself that it’s real, I start to hyperventilate, and that can’t be good.”

She was adorable, he thought as he watched her sit up and give a good imitation of someone unable to catch her breath.

“Relax,” he told her. “Take a deep breath and hold it.”

She did as he suggested.

“Now let it out.”

She exhaled.

“You’re fine,” he said, wishing he had another excuse to kiss her or even touch her soft wavy curls. Her hair was a tempting combination of reds and browns and gold. He remembered how it had felt in his fingers the one night they’d made love. Of course touching her hair was only one of several experiences he would like to repeat.

“I don’t feel fine,” she admitted. “I feel weird. I don’t want to disappoint your family. I know they’re important to you. But I won’t be dictated to.”

“No one’s dictating.”

“It felt like that.”

“That doesn’t make it real. This is between the two of us. We’ll work it out in the best way for us.”

She ducked her head. “It’s not that simple,” she whispered. “There were three of them and I felt trapped.”

He could imagine. “What did you say?”

She looked at him. “That we were dating and hoping for the best.”

He could live with that. Besides, she looked so dejected and guilty that he couldn’t be annoyed with her. “So you didn’t promise to marry me.”

“Of course not.” She narrowed her gaze. “Are you smiling? This is not funny.”

He kept his expression as neutral as he could make it. “I’m not smiling.”

“It looks like you are. Nothing about this is funny. We’re talking about lives on the line here. We’ve made a baby. When I think about that, I can’t breathe anymore. Besides, this is all your fault.”

“Hey, how do you figure? There were two of us doing the wild thing that night.”

“Exactly. But if you hadn’t kissed me like that, I wouldn’t have given in.”

He’d been about to get defensive, but now there was no need. “My kissing won you over, huh?”

She shifted away from him. “Don’t take that as a compliment. I didn’t mean it that way.”

“Right. Being a good kisser is a bad thing.”

“It is when it gets two strangers in trouble,” she muttered. “Don’t you dare get smug on me. I couldn’t stand it.”

He was feeling a lot of things, but smug wasn’t one of them. Right now what he wanted most was a chance to kiss her again and cause her to lose control. Not his most sensible plan, he admitted, but a guy could dream.

“Besides,” she continued, “our more pressing problem is your family. You know those guys are going to talk to your sisters and then what? They’ll tell your mom and everyone will think we’re dating.”

And that statement was the answer, he thought suddenly. “Dating isn’t a bad idea.”

She stared at him. “Excuse me? How is that going to help?”

“We can use this. Dating would be the next logical step, under the circumstances. If we were serious about working on a relationship, I mean. So we date. Or tell my family we’re dating. We can even act like we’re dating. Then, in a couple of months, we’ll tell everyone things didn’t work out. Relationships fail all the time. The family will think we really tried and get off our backs and we’ll be free to work out things as we want to.”

She tilted her head. “I like it,” she said slowly. “You’ll be okay with your family and they won’t think I’m awful.”

“They don’t think that now.”

“You didn’t see the looks on those guys’ faces,” she told him.

Carter felt his fingers curl into his palms. He had been delighted when his sisters had gotten married. The more guys in the family, the better, as far as he was concerned. But knowing they’d made Rachel uncomfortable had him thinking about pounding each one of them into a bloody pulp.

“Okay, we’re pretend dating,” she said. “We’ll need some sort of plan and schedule. You won’t be able to see anyone else while this is going on. It wouldn’t look right.”

“Not a problem,” he told her, consciously letting go of his anger. “I’m swearing off women again.”

“Are you sure you want to do that?” she asked, her voice teasing. “Look at what happened the last time.”

“Not my fault. You were too tempting to resist.”

She leaned back and laughed. “Oh, please. Me?”

“Yes, you. Don’t you consider yourself a temptation?”

The smile lingered, bringing light to her green eyes. “Not even on my best day, but it’s sweet of you to say so. Now about your job.”

The quick change in topic didn’t give him much time to brace himself. Had they told her the truth or not?

“Want to see a pay stub?” he asked.

“Not especially. But why did Frank and the others act so strange when I reminded them you worked in a motorcycle shop? You’re not on probation, are you?”

He chuckled and held up his right hand. Good news—they hadn’t told her. “I swear I have never been arrested, convicted or incarcerated. Ever.”

“That’s encouraging. They’re all cops and firefighters. Don’t they approve of what you do?”

“I...”

He found himself not wanting to lie to her. She was going to have to know eventually and if she reacted badly, better now than later.

There were rules about who could know and mothers of unborn children fell in the “yes” category. But it was more than just that. There was the woman herself and how carefully she would protect the information.

“What are you thinking?” she asked. “Should I be scared?”

“No. But I will need you to give your word that you won’t tell anyone what I’m going to tell you.”

“Or you’ll have to shoot me?” she asked. “What are we talking about? I can’t figure out if I should laugh or make a run for my car.”

“I’m a cop working undercover. This job at the motorcycle shop is part of my cover. I’m working on a case involving counterfeit parts brought into this country from overseas.”

She blinked. “You’re a...”

“Police officer.”

“But your hair is so long.”

He laughed then and, without thinking, pulled her close. “Damn, Rachel, you’re never boring.”

She held herself stiffly for a second before relaxing into his embrace. “You haven’t known me long enough to be bored,” she murmured. “That could come later.”

“I don’t think so.”

His body reacted to her nearness with a predictable rush of blood and need. But he kept the embrace light. They weren’t going to do that again, remember?

He released her and straightened. She studied him.

“They know about the earring?” she asked.

He grinned. “It’s all part of the assignment. I have a gun and a badge if you want to see them.”

“No, thanks. I believe you. So that’s why your brothers-in-law acted so strange. They were surprised I didn’t know the truth.”

He shrugged. “Probably.”

“Your mom can’t like what you do. She must worry all the time.”

“She’s used to it. I come from a long line of cops. My grandfather, my great-grandfather. My dad was one. He died before I was born.”

She winced. “I’m sorry. Was it work-related?”

He nodded. “A drunk driver got him while he was on patrol.”

“Oh, Carter. That must have been so awful for your mom and your sisters. And for you, growing up without a dad.”

“I appreciate the sympathy,” he said, “but it’s not necessary. I don’t know any different.”

“Everything is so complicated,” she said. “How did that happen?”

“We made a baby.”

Her eyes widened slightly. “I’m still not comfortable thinking about that. Could we avoid the topic?”

“Not for much longer.”

“I know, but we have a plan, right? Pretend dating.” She grinned. “Does that mean you bring me plastic flowers instead of real ones?”

“Would you like that?”

She glanced around the apartment. “I have plenty of real ones, so I’m good.”

He started to ask what she would like instead, but stopped himself. Pretend dating meant putting on a show, not getting involved in any way. They could be friends, but nothing more.

Friends who sleep together, he thought hopefully, and then reminded himself he’d sworn off women again. He had to. Look at what had happened with Rachel.

Women were the root of all the trouble in his life and he would be better off if he could simply walk away from them.

Then Rachel smiled and he found himself wanting her again. Okay, so he would swear off women after they worked this pretend dating thing out. Maybe they could figure out a way to have pretend sex. That could be fun.

* * *

RACHEL SMOOTHED THE foil on top of the casserole she carried. “I hope this is okay. I didn’t know what to make. I don’t cook a lot but my seven-layer bean dip is really popular at all the teacher potlucks at school. Of course, free food is rarely criticized, so maybe that’s not a good standard. Should I have made something else? An entrée? Or dessert? Is bean dip enough?”

Carter pulled his front door shut and stared at her. “You do that a lot, don’t you.”

Rachel found herself momentarily caught up in his brown eyes and the little crinkly lines that formed when he smiled, like now. She had to shake her head to clear her brain.

“I’m sorry, what was the question?”

He chuckled and took the casserole dish from her. “You get wound up when you’re nervous. I like it. Of course the best way to get you back on earth seems to be to kiss you and we both know that’s not a good idea, so we’re going to need another plan.”

She wasn’t so sure. Carter’s kisses tended to totally clear her mind and as nervous as she felt right now, she wouldn’t mind forgetting the reason.

“We’re walking?” she asked as they moved past his truck and her car.

“No point in driving.” He paused and pointed across the street and down one house. “That’s where Mama lives. Merry is next to her. Liz and Shelly live in the other direction. Three houses down and that one on the corner.”

“That’s really close,” she said, surprised he would plant himself in the middle of all that family.

He sighed as they crossed the street. “Yeah, I know,” he muttered. “I wasn’t thinking when I bought this place. It’s too close. One of these days I’m going to move.”

“Still, you enjoy your family and that’s nice.” She could appreciate the need to stay connected. If her parents and brother were still alive...

She pushed the thought away. Not going there right now. She was nervous enough without adding a little heartache to the mix.

She distracted herself by remembering how great Carter had been about the dating issue. He could have gotten upset, but he hadn’t, which made him a good guy in her eyes. Of course he’d already proved himself a good guy by how he’d reacted to her pregnancy. Now that she thought about it, she’d pretty much been one disaster after the other where he was concerned.

They reached the front door of his mother’s house. Carter walked in without knocking and yelled, “We’re here.”

Rachel could hear voices coming from the back of the house, then Nina Brockett hurried out to greet them.

“Late as always. Some mothers would take that as a message. Some mothers would think their only son was trying to say he was no longer interested in visiting his old mother.”

“Some mothers are just a little too dramatic for their own good,” he said, bending down and kissing her on the cheek. “You remember Rachel.”

His mother, an attractive, petite woman smiled broadly at Rachel, then held out both her arms. “Of course. Welcome, welcome.”

Rachel found herself hugged, then kissed on the cheek. “Thanks for having me, Mrs. Brockett.”

“Nina. I insist.” She nudged Carter with her elbow. “We’ll have her calling me Mama like everyone else before too long, eh? So what’s this? You made something. See? A girl who can cook. That’s new for you. A step up. Come, come. We’re all in the kitchen. No matter how nice I make the rest of the house, everyone wants to be in the kitchen.”

“It’s Carter and Rachel,” Nina called as she led the way into the overly crowded kitchen. “Carter, remind her who everyone is. Oh, what’s this, dear?” She took the casserole dish from Carter.

“A seven-layer dip,” Rachel said. “Carter mentioned you always had chips on hand.”

“You didn’t have to bring anything, but I appreciate that you did. Very thoughtful. Carter, she’s thoughtful. Did you notice?”

Rachel felt herself blush but before she could say anything, she was caught up in another confusing round of introductions.

There were too many people in the small space. Adults, kids, a large dog.

Carter pointed to his sisters. “Merry, Liz and Shelly,” he said. “Their husbands are Adam, Frank and Gordon.”

She recognized the three men who had visited her the previous week, although now that they were in casual clothes instead of their uniforms, she wasn’t sure who was who. As for Carter’s sisters, she was pretty sure that Merry had short dark hair and Shelly had long brown hair, but if anyone got a haircut, she was in trouble for sure.

“And you remember Jenny, from the Blue Dog Bar, right?” Carter asked.

Jenny?

Rachel turned and found herself staring into the smiling face of the pretty female bartender.

“Hi,” Jenny said. “Good to see you again.”

“Hello.”

Rachel opened her mouth and closed it. She didn’t know how to politely ask what the woman was doing here. Staying in touch was one thing, but like this?

“I’m an ex-girlfriend,” Jenny said, obviously reading Rachel’s confusion. “Carter and I dated for a while about...what, five years ago, I guess.”

Carter put his arm around Rachel’s shoulder. “We broke up, but would she go away? Not even for money.”

Jenny lightly punched him in the arm. “You never offered to pay me to leave. I might have left then.” She smiled at Rachel. “Carter’s a great guy, but he does seem to hang on to his women. Even when he dumps us.”

Rachel didn’t know what to think. She’d never been in a situation like this, and she wasn’t sure what she should say or do.

“You dumped me,” Carter said. “I’m sure of it.”

“Sorry, no,” Jenny said with a smile. “But don’t sweat it. I’m grateful.” She turned back to Rachel. “Carter broke my heart, so I decided to date someone totally inappropriate. It turns out, Dan was the love of my life.” She held up her left hand and wiggled her ring finger. The diamond band there sparkled impressively. “We’ve been married three years now.”

Just then a little girl burst into the kitchen. “Tanya stole the ball and she won’t let me play.” After her announcement, she burst into tears.

“I’ll handle this,” Merry said. She picked up the child and carried her back outside. Jenny excused herself and went with her.

Rachel found herself being offered a drink—she chose flavored water—and a chair, which she declined. A few minutes later, in a relatively private moment, she turned to Carter.

“You and Jenny really went out?” she asked.

He shrugged. “Yeah. But it was a long time ago. It doesn’t mean anything.”

“I don’t mean to be rude or too curious, but why is she here?”

“Sometimes my mom and sisters like one of my girlfriends enough to keep her around even after we stop going out. It’s made for some entertaining holidays, I can tell you.”

“You mean several of them will join in with the family?”

“Sure. It’s okay if they bring a date, but when they’re single, it’s a little uncomfortable. Or they become close friends. I dated this other woman, Shawna. She and Jenny got so close they were in each other’s weddings.”

She was torn between wanting to get the facts and wondering if she’d crossed the line into the land of too much information.

“I’m not sure this is a completely normal family,” she murmured.

He leaned close enough for her to feel his breath on her ear. “I can tell you that it’s not, but that’s what makes it so much fun.”

She was aware of every part of his body. The need to lean in—to touch and be touched—was powerful and just a little scary.

“So, how are you two getting along?”

Rachel jumped as Nina appeared from nowhere with a plate of tiny quiches.

“We’re good,” Carter said as he took three quiches, placed them on a napkin and handed them to Rachel. “How about you? Having fun?”

His mother ignored the question. “A baby changes everything. Have you thought of that? It’s not just you anymore. There’s another life.”

Rachel was glad she hadn’t taken a bite. She had a bad feeling that she would have choked.

“You’re kidding,” Carter said as he collected a couple of quiches for himself. “Another life. Huh. I didn’t know that. I just thought, ‘Hey, a baby. We’ll keep it on the bookcase.’”

His mother glared at him. “I’m being serious.”

“You’re meddling,” he said. “We talked about that.”

His mother turned to Rachel. “You’re a sensible girl. What do your parents say about all this?”

Rachel opened her mouth, then closed it. She cleared her throat. “My parents are gone. They died in a car accident when I was twelve. My baby brother was with them and he was killed as well.”

She felt Carter’s gaze on her. Nina touched her arm. “So it’s just you? You have no other relatives?”

Rachel managed a smile. “I’m okay.”

“Of course you are,” the older woman said. “You have us, now. We’re your family. We’ll be there for you. No matter what. You have a problem, you call. Promise?”

Rachel felt a tightness in her throat. “Thank you.”

Nina smiled and moved away.

“She’s trying to be supportive,” Carter said when they were alone.

“I know. She wants me to feel welcome. Better that than stoning me or something.”

“We gave up stoning a while ago.”

“Good to know.”

“Mama’s a little over-the-top,” he said. “But she’s right. You do have all of us now.”

“Wherever will I put you?” she asked, her voice deliberately teasing. There was already so much going on today, she didn’t need an emotional moment to push her over the edge.

Just then one of Carter’s sisters walked over. Rachel was pretty sure it was Liz.

“I’m glad you two agreed to get married,” she said. “Mama is so excited. She was starting to think no one would ever trap Carter.”

Rachel winced. “I didn’t exactly trap him.”

“Sure you did, but don’t worry about it. He’s had it coming for years.”

Carter sighed. “Thanks for the support, sis.”

“No problem. I’ve always taken care of my baby brother. Oh, Tanya, honey, no. That’s breakable. You put that down right now.”

Liz fled across the room.

“You didn’t trap me,” Carter said in a low voice. “We’re in this together, making our own decisions.”

Rachel nodded, but inside she felt funny. She’d never thought of herself as the kind of woman who would have to trap a man into being involved with her. And she hadn’t. As he’d said, she and Carter were figuring out what they wanted for themselves. They weren’t a couple. This wasn’t even a real date. So why did she feel guilty?

“Do you want this baby?” she asked.

“Absolutely,” he said without hesitating. “I might have issues with women, but all my life I’ve wanted to be a father. I don’t know anything about it, but I’m willing to learn. I want to be there for my kid. I want to make a difference in her life.”

She smiled. “Still convinced we’re having a girl?”

“It’s just my luck.”

“What about my luck?” she asked.

He grinned. “You have me. How much luckier could you get?”

* * *

IT WAS DARK when Rachel and Carter walked back to his house. She felt tired, but in a good way. There were still complications to be dealt with, and she doubted she would ever figure out who was who in his family, but she’d felt welcomed with open arms.

“I like them,” she said as he opened his front door and let Goldie push into the house first. “Everyone was great.”

He sighed heavily. “I knew it. This always happens. A guy thinks he’s getting lucky because he’s charming or smart and then he finds out that the only thing his girl is interested in is his family.”

He was teasing, of course, but even more intriguing was his use of the words his girl. She wasn’t. That wasn’t the deal. But for a moment, she felt a shiver of something very close to longing.

“I find it hard to believe you’ve ever had trouble getting women on your own,” she said. “So don’t look for sympathy here.”

“Ouch. After my family and heartless. I’m crushed.”

He looked good crushed, she thought, studying the strong, handsome lines of his face before finding her interest settling on his mouth. Carter had a lot of good qualities but right at the top was his amazing ability to kiss her until her entire body turned to mush.

“You’ll survive,” she murmured, knowing she should look away but finding it difficult to do so. Just one little kiss. What could it hurt?

“Rachel.”

He spoke her name in a low growl that caused goose bumps to break out on her arms and the little hairs on the back of her neck to prickle.

She forced herself to take a step back. Right. Be sensible. “Complications,” she said as she reached for her car keys in her purse’s outside pocket. “We don’t need any more complications. There are other things we need to deal with.” Although at the moment, she couldn’t remember what they were.

“Don’t look at me like that,” he told her.

“Like what?”

“Like you mean it.”

Before she could decide if she did or not, he leaned in and kissed her. As it was exactly what she’d been hoping for, she did little more than melt against him and wish she could purr.

His arms came around her, supporting her, comforting and arousing. She felt his strong hands on her back. Her purse slipped to the ground, but she managed to keep hold of her car keys. That was something, right? That meant she wasn’t totally losing control.

But it was hard to stay sane when he moved his lips against hers in a way designed to make her go crazy. She couldn’t figure out if it was the pressure, the intensity or some chemical connection that defied description. Whatever the cause, she wanted him right then. The fact that they were still on his front porch didn’t matter.

She parted for him. He nipped her lower lip before slipping his tongue inside.

The first erotic stroke made her thighs tremble. The second had her insides clenching and the third had her wet and swollen and nearly whimpering with need.

He moved his hands up and down her back. She wanted to grab his wrists and guide him so that his clever fingers could touch her breasts. She wanted to be swept away by the most intense passion she’d ever experienced. She wanted...

He drew back.

Every cell in her body screamed in protest as he stepped away and gave her a regretful smile.

“Not a good idea,” he said.

Of course it wasn’t a good idea. But wasn’t that the point? How could he be rational at a time like this?

Still, she wouldn’t let him know that she hadn’t wanted him to stop.

“I’ll be going,” she said, proud of herself to being able to speak in a steady, nearly normal tone of voice. “Have a nice evening.”

“You, too.”

A few deep breaths helped clear her mind enough for her to remember their plan. Pretend dating only. Nothing more. A smart woman would quit while she was ahead and Rachel had always been one of the brightest girls in her class.

CHAPTER SEVEN

“YOU DON’T HAVE to do this,” Carter said, sounding more apprehensive than he should have.

Rachel held in a grin as she slipped her hand into the crook of his arm and sighed. “I want to do this. You did a beautiful job remodeling your kitchen. Now it’s time to finish it off.”

“It is finished,” he grumbled as they walked through the aisles of the large home-improvement store.

“White walls? Come on. Have a little imagination. Color is our friend. Besides, you get to pick any color you want. You don’t have to run it by your landlord and then plead for your choice.”

“My choice is white.”

She chuckled. “No, it’s not. Besides, it’s too stark against the maple cabinets. Quite the bold selection here in Southern California, where most people favor oak.”

He shrugged. “I thought they looked nice.”

“They do. They’re beautiful and they deserve something better than white walls.”

He mumbled something under his breath, but Rachel didn’t mind. If Carter really had wanted to keep those stark white walls, he wouldn’t have asked her to come with him after work to look at paint chips.

The invitation might fall under the category of “pretend dating” but she intended to enjoy every minute of it.

“You’re lucky to have your own house,” she said. “I’m saving, but with real estate prices what they are, it’s going to take me awhile. But I have a whole shoe box full of articles and pictures I’ve cut out of magazines, or downloaded off Web sites. I have this dream about the perfect closet, all organized with shoe shelves and hooks for belts and purses.”

He eyed her suspiciously. “We’re just here for paint.”

“I know that. Don’t worry. I don’t expect you to completely redo your closets just to satisfy my urges. At least not this week.”

He groaned and she laughed.

They walked into the paint department. Carter held out the small drawer she’d insisted they bring along to help with the color choices.

“So maybe cream?” he said. “Cream would look nice with the maple.”

“I don’t think so.” She ignored the chips of cream and white and headed to the yellows. “Nothing superbright,” she murmured more to herself than him. “It has to blend. But nothing too boring.”

Carter had gone with black appliances, which made it easy, and a fairly neutral black, gray and cream flecked granite. The cabinets were light, and that meant a bland paint color would cause the whole room to fade away.

“A warm color,” she said. “You get that great morning sun in there.”

She plucked out three different yellows, then moved to peach. “Hmm, more on the orange side or more salmon?”

Carter took a step back. “That’s a lot of color.”

“I know. We’ll grab all the ones that interest us, then narrow the choice down to three or four. Then we buy samples. Better to paint big squares of color on the wall and live with it for a week, than get the wrong color.”

She fanned out her selections. Rather than pick, he made a strangled sound in his throat.

“Are you always like this?” she asked. “It’s paint, not a room full of snakes.”

“I could deal with snakes.”

“What a typical guy.”

“That’s me. Mr. Beige.”

She discarded a couple of samples until they had four she liked and he didn’t flinch at. After collecting the samples, she dragged him over to the fabric department.

He stared at the bolts of cloth. “Why are we here?”

“I was thinking I could make some valances for your windows. Nothing fancy, but they’d dress them up.”

He looked as if he was about to run for cover. “Those go on the top of the window, right?”

“Uh-huh. The miniblinds are practical, but not especially attractive. Roman shades would be nice, but I can’t see you agreeing to that, what with how you’ve reacted to a little color.”

He stiffened. “I’m reacting fine. I have samples here. I’m going to put them on the wall.”

“I know, but you’re pretty whiny about it.”

He looked outraged. “I do not whine.”

“Of course not.”

“I am rational and completely in control of the situation.”

She held in a smile. “Okay, so I was thinking of something like this.”

She pulled out a bolt of fabric and spread out the cloth, then put the paint chips on top. “See how they all go.”

He frowned. “How did you do that? You just picked that one out and it’s perfect? That’s not right.”

“I’m gifted. Now, do you like this?”

He studied the striped fabric. “Yeah. There aren’t any flowers on it.”

“You’re not the flower type. So we’ll get the fabric, then when you choose the paint color, we’ll use the valance material to pick out coordinating chair mats and a tablecloth for that little table. The simple stripe in the valance means you can get a different pattern for those or none at all.”

He nodded slowly. “My sisters talk like that, too. Is it a chick thing?”

“Yes. Most of us are born with the ability to coordinate fabric.”

He rubbed the cloth. “It’s nice. I like it better than white.”

“It’s a miracle.”

“Carter?”

The woman’s voice came from behind them. Rachel turned and saw a pretty, petite redhead holding a bolt of fabric.

“Hi, Nora,” Carter said. “How are you?”

“Okay.”

“Good. Rachel, this is Nora.”

The other woman nodded. “Hi. Nice to meet you. So you’re with Carter now, huh? We used to go out.” The hunger in her expression said she would like to again. “You look...great.”

“You, too,” he said as he gently put his hand on Rachel’s shoulder.

Rachel felt both awkward and uncomfortable. Should she excuse herself so Carter and Nora could speak in private? Good manners dictated that she at least offer, but she couldn’t seem to form the words or make her feet move.

Nora cleared her throat. “I thought maybe, you know, sometime we could go out for coffee.”

“Thanks, but this isn’t a good time for me. You take care, Nora.”

“Yeah. Okay. Well, bye.”

She shuffled off.

Carter watched her go, then shook his head. “Sorry about that.”

“It’s fine. I take it you two had a bad breakup?”

“Yeah. Usually I can stay friends, but Nora wanted marriage or nothing.”

“You weren’t interested in her that way?”

Carter looked at her. “I’m not interested in anyone that way. All my life I’ve been told I’ll meet someone, fall in love and get married. So far, it hasn’t happened. I love women—all women. I don’t cheat, I’m more interested in quality than volume, but forever? Not my style. I don’t need to grow old with anyone.”

As he spoke his expression tightened.

“What?” she asked. “Do you expect me to get mad?”

He shrugged. “I’m braced for the criticism. Most women don’t appreciate my position.”

“I do,” she told him and meant it. “Why marry someone you don’t love?” She drew in a breath. “That’s what happened to me with my two engagements. I thought I loved the guys, but as time passed, I realized I didn’t. I started to feel trapped. Neither of them understood.”

He relaxed a little. “So what do you think of marriage?”

She thought of what she remembered of her parents’ relationship. “I think with the right person, it can be the best part of anyone’s life. I want that, but only when it’s right. And it needs to be for the right reasons.”

“I won’t ever want to get married.”

She smiled. “I’m okay with that, Carter. I don’t plan to be one of your groupies.”

“I don’t have groupies.”

“Oh, you’re wrong, but that’s okay. I can totally respect not wanting to make a commitment to someone you don’t love. What I don’t understand is not making a commitment to one of these beautiful paints. Now that would break my heart.”

He grinned. “Fine. I’ll put the damn paint on the damn wall and pick one.”

“You promise?”

“Yes.”

“Good. I’ll make valances.”

“You can’t.”

“Actually, I’m pretty good with my old, trusty sewing machine. I learned while I was still dancing. Costumes cost too much to buy. None of my foster families could afford it, so I learned to sew.”

“I don’t mean that. I’ll owe you.”

“And that’s bad why?”

“I don’t know how to pay you back.”

Images of them naked and touching and joining instantly filled her brain. Okay, she could give him a list of ways to pay her back, starting with a few long, slow, deep kisses, followed by some serious naked time.

Without meaning to, she remembered how his hands had felt on her body. How he touched her with an irresistible combination of aggressive tenderness that had left her weak and hungry for more. He could...

“Earth to Rachel.”

“What? Oh.” She blinked at him. “Sorry. What was the question?”

“If you’re going to do this for me, I want to do something for you. What do you need? Heavy furniture moved? A tree planted in your honor?”

She laughed. “Nothing like that. But I do have the fall festival coming up at school. Each class has to build a booth. Now that I’ve seen your handiwork, I think maybe you’re the right one to take on the job of being in charge.”

“Done.”

“Are you sure? We’re talking about ten five-year-olds and some fairly inept parents.”

“I like kids, and parents find me very charming.”

“Especially the moms.”

He flashed her a smile. “Especially.”

* * *

CARTER TUCKED HIS too-long hair under a baseball cap and then turned up the collar of his jacket. The truck stop diner was several miles north of Riverside on I-15. As this was the main drag to Las Vegas, there were plenty of people coming and going. A good place for a private meeting.

He’d already seen his captain’s car in the parking lot, so he walked in and looked for the table.

Captain Don Killian was known for protecting his men, so Carter wasn’t surprised to see the older man at a booth in the back. Carter slid in across from him and realized a large pole would conceal him from view.

“Nicely done,” he said with a grin.

Killian shrugged. “I had to wait for an old couple to clear out, but I figured this was the best seat in the house. How’s it going, Carter?”

“Good.”

The waitress appeared. Both men ordered burgers and sodas. When she left, Carter leaned forward.

“There’s going to be a big shipment out next week. I’ve got a copy of the parts inventory heading out. The drop is in Chicago, and from there it goes all across the country.”

Carter was part of a team investigating counterfeit auto parts brought in from other countries.

While Carter went over the details, Killian wrote down the information.

“We can intercept this,” his captain said. “I’ll talk to the Feds on the case, but the current plan is we’ll make it look like a highway accident so no one gets suspicious. We’re thinking maybe four or five more weeks on the job. You okay with that?”

The waitress arrived with their drinks. Carter waited until she’d left before saying, “Sure. I’m good. No one suspects anything.”

“They will if you keep hanging out at the Blue Dog Bar.”

Carter grimaced. “That wasn’t my idea. My contact insisted. He thought it would make me nervous to be around so many cops. It did, but not in the way he thought.”

“You calling ahead helped,” Killian told him. “Jenny put out the word. She’s a great girl. Too bad you let that one get away.”

“She wasn’t for me.” Jenny had been great, but he’d let her go as easily as everyone else. Most of the time he was fine with his life and appreciated the women he’d dated and then walked away from, but sometimes he wondered if there was something wrong with him...a reason he couldn’t settle down like everyone else.

“Just as well,” his boss said. “With this assignment, you don’t need the added pressure of being involved. But when it’s over, what next?”

Carter looked at him. “What do you mean? I take the next job.”

“Another undercover assignment? Come on, Carter. You passed the tests, you’re ready to move up to detective. So what’s stopping you? Why do you always turn down the job?”

“I turned down one.”

“Most guys would jump at the chance to make detective.”

Carter shrugged. “I’ll get there.”

“Why take the test if you’re not interested?”

“I am interested.” If the man talking had been anyone but his boss, Carter would have told him to back off.

“Then act like it. Take the next opening. You can’t play forever. Maybe it’s time to grow up.”

Carter glared at Killian. “What I do is damned important. I make a difference.”

“You could make a bigger difference as detective. You know it and I know it. So what’s holding you back?”

* * *

SATURDAY MORNING STARTED with complete chaos. Ten five-year-olds running through the open classroom, their parents talking in groups and Rachel sorting through supplies left in the small yard off her classroom.

She knew nothing about lumber or tools, so she wasn’t sure if she had everything she was supposed to have. While she could figure out which wood was which from the size, she wasn’t sure if she had the right braces or not.

“Need some help?” Carter asked as he stepped out into the yard.

“Desperately,” she said and held out her list. “Do I have all this? I’ve never made a booth before and to be honest, I have no big plans to make one now. That’s why you and the parents are here. Well, some of you will help me with the card kits, but that’s the easy part. It’s mostly sorting and counting.”

She was aware she was talking too much, which frequently happened the first time she saw Carter after any kind of absence. She wanted to explain that, technically, it wasn’t her fault. There was something about looking at him that unhinged her brain. Something that made her remember what it was like to touch him and kiss him and...

He moved close and smiled at her. “You about wound down?”

If she said no, would he stop her talking in the most interesting way possible?

“Pretty much. The kindergarteners have never had to have a booth before. I was very comfortable in that position. Suddenly, someone decided we were capable, or at least the parents were. I know nothing about building. Can you take charge of this and coordinate the work? In theory, the build should take no more than two hours.”

“I’ve built cabinets. I can handle a festival booth.” He glanced over the instructions. “It’ll be fun. Are the kids supposed to help?”

“If they want. I’m going to have some of them with me, putting together our card kits.”

“Which are?”

“Greeting cards. Some are preprinted and some can be made by hand with decorations and trims.”

He took a step back. “Don’t make me do that.”

She grinned. “I promise. You can stay out here and be macho with the wood and paint.”

“Perfect.”

He smiled at her and she felt her insides shimmy a little. Despite her urge to throw herself at him, she drew in a deep breath and walked toward the classroom. “Let’s go gather the troops and divide into teams.”

Back in the classroom, Rachel explained their two projects and let the parents and kids divide up themselves. She felt someone tugging on the hem of her T-shirt and turned.

“Morning, Christian,” she said to the small boy. “Are you excited to help build the booth?”

Christian nodded. “Is he your boyfriend?” he asked, pointing at Carter.

Rachel’s mind went blank. Under the circumstances it was a reasonable question and one she should have expected. “Ah, well, to be honest...”

“Yes,” Carter said easily.

Christian giggled. “Are you gonna kiss her?”

“Maybe later. If she’s very good.”

A couple of the mothers exchanged glances as if they wouldn’t mind being rewarded by Carter for excellent behavior.

“Okay, then,” Rachel said, ignoring the heat on her cheeks. “Let’s get started.”

Carter led the construction crew outside while she put the card kit folks to work in the classroom. She had set up several stations for the kids, showing how many of each items went in to the various bags. White cardboard signs showed five buttons inside a bag at one station and three bows in another bag at a different station.

Soon kids and parents alike were counting greeting cards and filling bags. When she was sure everything was going smoothly, she walked to her desk and pulled out her parent list. There were a few she wanted to talk to today. It was more casual than an official parent-teacher conference.

“Helen, do you have a second?” Rachel asked a pretty, dark-haired woman who was helping with the bow counting.

“Sure, Rachel.”

Rachel let the way into the classroom next door. It was empty and quiet.

When they were seated on the two adult-sized chairs Rachel had brought in earlier that morning, she leaned forward.

“I’m a little worried about Anastasia. She’s a wonderful girl. So bright and friendly and she loves learning. But she’s obviously exhausted. She falls asleep during storytime nearly every day.”

Helen stiffened. “I don’t know what you mean. We put her to bed at nine. That should be enough sleep.”

“She’s only five. I think an earlier bedtime might help. Does she try to stay up later? Some kids are natural night owls.” Rachel didn’t think that was the problem, but she’d found it was usually more productive to start by getting the parent on her side than to make an outright accusation.

Helen shook her head. “Anastasia is always ready to go to bed when it’s time. In fact, if we’ve been out after seven, she falls asleep in the car on the way home.”

“Then I would suggest moving her bedtime back fifteen minutes every four or five days until you find a time that gives her enough sleep. It’s probably going to be about seven-thirty.”

Helen’s eyes widened. “But that’s not possible. She has her classes.”

“Hmm, yes. She’s mentioned that she has a lot of activities outside of school. Dance, Spanish, some kind of martial arts.”

Helen nodded. “Gymnastics, piano, soccer. We have a schedule. Some are in the afternoon, but a few are in the evening. She couldn’t attend them and get to bed earlier.”

Rachel tried to figure out the most tactful way to make her point. “I think it’s wonderful when caring parents take such an interest in their children. I wish all parents were like you. But sometimes kids get overscheduled. Anastasia needs time to just be a little girl. She needs time to play and dream and imagine as well as learn Spanish.”

Helen opened her mouth, then closed it. “We have her doing too much, don’t we? I’ve wondered. It’s just both Martin and I have siblings who are gross underachievers. We didn’t want that for Anastasia. We want her to have every advantage, but also to understand that she needs to push herself.”

“Pushing her now won’t teach her that lesson,” Rachel said gently. “Anastasia is exceptional because of who she is on the inside, not because of what she does. She’s not going to be your little girl for a very long time and that goes so quickly. I would hate for you two to miss these special years because your daughter is never home.”

“I’ll talk to Martin,” Helen said. “Maybe we can back off on the classes.”

“Don’t give them up all together,” Rachel said. “It’s good to expose her to a few things. Maybe try a couple this semester and next semester try some different ones. Then you can sit down as a family and figure out what you think is important and she likes to do.”

“Okay. Thanks.”

“You’re more than welcome. Anastasia is wonderful. I’m glad she’s in my class.”

Helen smiled. “I am, too.”

The other woman left. Rachel made some notes on her file, then glanced up when Carter walked into the room.

“Impressive,” he said. “I came to tell you the booth is coming together, but I didn’t want to interrupt. You handled that really well.”

His praise made her feel a little bit floaty inside. “Thanks. I’m with the kids for several hours a day. Because I’m not the parent, I can usually see both the good and bad that’s happening. Unfortunately, parents tend to get stuck on one or the other.”

“Helen got the message.”

Rachel closed her file and stood. “I hope so. I hate seeing these kids dragging because their parents plan for them to be the next Secretary General of the United Nations. But balance is tricky to find.”

Carter tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “My mom did a great job at it. We were all convinced we were her favorite. She made us believe we could do anything.”

“My parents were like that, too,” Rachel said, remembering the loving support they’d offered her. “I wanted to be an astronaut/ballerina and no one ever said it was a dumb idea. Of course I was only twelve and no one takes career plans seriously at that age. There was this one time that they—”

Unexpected tears filled her eyes. Rachel was so surprised, she stopped in midsentence.

“What’s wrong?” Carter asked.

“I don’t know.” She blinked several times, but the tears wouldn’t go away. “I was going to say something about my parents, but I know if I do, I’ll burst into tears.”

“I can handle it.”

She sniffed and smiled at the same time. “I appreciate you saying that. It’s just I don’t understand. I don’t cry very much, especially not about the loss of my family. It’s been fourteen years. I’m sad they’re gone, but I’ve recovered, emotionally.”

“Hey, it happens.”

He drew her close and wrapped his arms around her. She let him because, for reasons she couldn’t explain, she needed the comfort.

“This is crazy,” she murmured against his shoulder as tears trickled down her cheeks. “I have no reason to cry. This is not like me.”

“You’re having a baby,” he said.

She drew back and stared at him. “I hardly think that’s a reason to break down when I talk about my parents. I know the situation is stressful, but speaking as someone who is firmly in denial about the whole thing, I can’t believe that’s why I’m losing it.”

She wiped her face and tried to think happy thoughts. Maybe she should get a kitten. A fluffy white one that would play with a ball of yarn. Only the image of it caused her eyes to fill again.

“I’m not saying it’s because you’re stressed,” he said. “It’s hormones. Trust me. I have three sisters who have all been pregnant at least twice. You might not want to think about being pregnant, but your body is seriously busy producing all kinds of chemicals. You’re reacting to them.”

Was that possible?

“Are you saying I’m going to be an emotional basket case for the next seven months?”

“Possibly.”

“I’ll never survive.”

“Sure you will. Besides, I’ll be right here. You can cry on my shoulder anytime.”

She laughed, which helped ease the need to sob. He cupped her face in his hands and used his thumbs to wipe her cheeks.

“Better?” he asked.

She nodded, then found her gaze lingering on his mouth.

“Yeah,” he murmured. “Me, too. Think anyone would mind?”

“Hurry up,” a small voice called out. “He’s gonna kiss her.”

Rachel turned and saw Christian and his friend lurking in the doorway. “Great. An audience.”

Carter laughed. “I don’t do requests. Rain check?”

“Absolutely.”

CHAPTER EIGHT

(Beginning)

CRISSY SET THE pitcher of iced tea on the table, then put her hands on her hips. “Let me just say for the record, I’m bitter about the lack of wine, okay?”

Noelle smiled. “I’m only twenty. I couldn’t drink the wine anyway.”

“You could be with us in spirit,” Crissy grumbled. “But you’re right. So, Rachel, what’s your excuse?”

“I’m pregnant.”

“I meant for getting pregnant.”

Rachel didn’t have an actual answer for that. Fortunately the phone rang...again.

Noelle’s smile broadened. “That’s probably Dev,” she murmured. “I’ll take it in the other room.”

Crissy stared after her. “We’ve been here less than two hours and this is his third call. It’s amazing he can get any work done.”

“I’m thinking he’s not,” Rachel said, wondering what it would be like to be that in love. She’d wanted that for herself, had tried twice. So what had gone wrong? Did she just have bad taste in men or did she not know how to have a good relationship?

“I’m sure he misses her,” Crissy said as she poured Rachel a glass of iced tea. “I still can’t believe they’re so much in love, but they are. Talk about lucky.”

Crissy sounded both happy for her friend and a little wistful, which Rachel could relate to.

“She’s glowing,” Rachel said. “Now that they know the baby’s all right, they can be happy.”

“Are you happy?” Crissy asked. “You haven’t said much about your own pregnancy.”

For good reason, Rachel thought. “I’m doing okay. Physically I don’t feel any different. At least not yet. I had an emotional meltdown the other day, which isn’t like me, but I guess now I have hormones to deal with.” She leaned toward Crissy. “Honestly? I can’t seem to get my mind around the fact that I’m having a baby. I’ve tried to think about it as far as what all I have to plan for and deal with, and when I do I start to panic. It seems easier to ignore the whole thing. But that can’t be good, either.”

“You have time,” Crissy told her. “What? Seven more months? Trust me, as you begin to completely lose control of your body, you’ll get that it’s real.”

Rachel grinned. “Lose control? You make me feel like aliens have invaded and will soon be bursting out.”

“Pretty much.”

“You have personal experience in the matter?” Rachel asked teasingly.

Crissy shrugged. “I’ve been doing some reading so I can relate to what Noelle’s going through. And now you.” She reached in her purse and held up a bottle of water. “But to be on the safe side, I’m avoiding any liquids that come from a tap. What is it with you two?”

“We’re just lucky,” Noelle said as she walked back into the kitchen and took her seat at the table. “Dev says hi and promises he won’t call again until after you guys are gone.”

“I’m not a big believer in happy endings,” Crissy said, “but looking at you is kinda making me a believer. You look good in love.”

“Thanks. I feel good. Now I just have to get you two married off.”

Crissy scooted back her chair. “I’m fine being single. Did I mention my charming cat? He’s more than enough company, thank you very much. I hate first dates enough to never want to go on one again!”

“You’re going to be a tough one,” Noelle said. “I thought we’d start with someone easier.” She turned to Rachel. “So how’s Carter?”

Rachel laughed. “He’s fine, but you’re wasting your time setting us up. It’s not going to happen.”

“Why not?” Noelle passed around the large bowl of Chinese chicken salad. “You said he’s a great guy.”

“He is. He’s funny and charming and I think he’s dated nearly every age-appropriate woman in a tristate area.”

Noelle nodded. “You don’t think he’s good husband material.”

Rachel considered the statement. “Actually, I think he is. He cares a lot about his family. They’re all wonderful. He’s responsible and caring. He helped me out with my fall festival booth last weekend, which was great.”

“He sounds perfect,” Crissy said as she took a roll. “Which makes me instantly not want to trust him. But I’m the cynical member of the team. What’s your excuse?”

“For one thing, he’s made it really clear that he’s not interested in anything long-term. Carter doesn’t believe in romantic love. Not for himself anyway.”

Noelle dismissed the problem with a flick of her fingers. “That just means he hasn’t met the right someone yet. Which could be you. But I don’t understand. Doesn’t it bother you that he doesn’t want to get married for the sake of the baby?”

“Not really,” Rachel admitted. “I know that decision was right for you, but it’s not right for me. I don’t need to be married to have a child. Carter will be part of the baby’s life and that’s enough.”

Crissy and Noelle exchanged a glance that told Rachel they’d been discussing this without her.

“You’ve always talked about wanting a family,” Crissy said slowly. “I thought you meant in the traditional sense. Husband and kids.”

“I do want that. Just not with Carter.”

Noelle took some salad for herself. “At the risk of sounding stupid, why not? If he’s all that you said, how can you keep from falling in love with him?”

* * * * *

Noelle is wise beyond her years. That was THE question Rachel has been ignoring. Well, her best friends—and her heart—want an answer. In Circle of Friends Part 4, it’s decision time...

ISBN-13: 9781488024610

Circle of Friends: Part 3 of 6

First published as The Ladies’ Man

This edition published 2016

Copyright © 2006 by Susan Macias Redmond

All rights reserved. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of publisher, Harlequin Enterprises Limited, 225 Duncan Mill Road, Don Mills, Ontario, Canada M3B 3K9.

All characters in this book have no existence outside the imagination of the author and have no relation whatsoever to anyone bearing the same name or names. They are not even distantly inspired by any individual known or unknown to the author, and all incidents are pure invention.

This edition published by arrangement with Harlequin Books S.A.

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www.Harlequin.com

CIRCLE OF FRIENDS:
Part 4 of 6

Susan Mallery

Contents

CHAPTER EIGHT (Conclusion)

CHAPTER NINE

CHAPTER TEN

CHAPTER ELEVEN

CHAPTER TWELVE

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

Enough stalling. Cue the Jeopardy theme music. It’s decision time. Rachel’s best friends, Noelle and Crissy, only want what’s best for her, and that’s why she trusts them to ask her the tough questions. And boy, oh, boy, this one is a doozy!

CHAPTER EIGHT

(Conclusion)

Rachel Harper knew she was taking far too long to answer her best friend Noelle’s question about Carter. The words just wouldn’t form.

“How can you keep from falling in love with him?”

Finally, taking a deep breath, she replied, “I just can.”

Rachel had been in love twice, or so she’d thought. She’d agreed to marry two terrific guys, only to have second thoughts a few weeks later. She’d hated hurting them by ending the relationships, but she hadn’t been willing to go forward with their plans when her feelings had changed.

This was when she missed her mother the most. She wanted to ask questions about her parents’ courtship and hear how they’d known that each other was the one. She wanted to be told that there was nothing wrong with her, that when she met the right guy, she would just know.

Apparently Carter wasn’t that guy. He was wonderful and she liked being with him and she still went weak remembering their one night together, but was that enough to hold a marriage together? Shouldn’t there be some defining moment when she just knew?

“I’ll find Mr. Right,” Rachel said. “He’s out there.”

“Waiting,” Crissy said with a grin. “Longing for you. Desperate and needy.”

Rachel rolled her eyes. “Stop it or I’ll spike your bottled water with something from the tap and then you’ll get pregnant, too.”

“Never,” Crissy said firmly.

* * *

THE MORNING OF the fall festival promised perfect Southern California weather. Blue skies and a cool start to the day with afternoon temperatures in the low eighties.

Rachel had arrived before eight to supervise the setup. The booth had turned out great, with bright colors and plenty of room for the sale of greeting cards. Now she checked the inventory against the numbers on her master list and made a note that she had to count the change.

“Coffee,” Brady’s mom said as she walked over with a tray filled with steaming paper cups. “I stopped on the way.”

“Thanks,” Rachel said as she took one of the small cups and set it on the booth. She’d never been much of a coffee drinker and these days she was avoiding caffeine, but it seemed easier to take the drink and get rid of it discreetly at a later time than to explain why she was refusing.

“I’m excited,” Brady’s mom continued. “He’s our oldest, so this is the first time we’re able to get involved in school activities. I can’t wait to get started.”

Rachel knew there were two other younger children at home. “Okay, but hold on to that enthusiasm,” she teased. “We don’t want you burning out before the baby hits kindergarten.”

“I won’t,” she promised.

“Morning, ladies.”

Rachel didn’t have to turn around and see the speaker to recognize the voice. “Carter,” she said. “You’re early.”

“It’s the fall festival. How could I resist?”

How could she? He looked good in his worn jeans and dark T-shirt. Why was it a man could step out of the shower, pull on any old thing and look fabulous while women had to sweat makeup and stylish clothes to achieve any kind of gorgeous?

“You have a burning need for greeting cards?” she asked.

“I might. You never know.”

“Carter? Is that you?”

Rachel stepped back to avoid being pushed aside as a woman flung herself at Carter, wrapping her arms around him as she pressed her body against his.

“It is you. Ohmygosh! I can’t believe it. What are you doing here?”

Rachel blinked. “Eden?”

The woman glanced at Rachel and grinned. “Oh, hi, Rachel.”

Eden Baker was one of the teachers at Rachel’s school and obviously another of Carter’s exes.

Carter reached up and carefully loosened Eden’s grip from around his neck. “Good to see you, Eden. How’s John?”

“He’s great.” Eden released Carter and stepped back. She smiled at Rachel. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to be rude. I was just so shocked to see Carter here. I could never get him to come to any school events. It’s been what? Five years?”

“About that,” he said.

Eden’s smile widened. “I’m a happily married woman now and I wouldn’t change a thing, but we had some good times.” She patted Rachel’s arm. “Enjoy him, honey. Enjoy him for all of us.”

Rachel watched Eden head back to her booth, then she turned to Carter. “I’m thinking maybe you could just give me a list. You know, names, occupations, addresses, so I can be prepared for the next round of women I’m going to meet.”

Carter shuffled his feet and shoved his hands into his front pockets. “There aren’t that many.”

“Really? I seem unable to leave the house with you without us running into someone you used to date. And I use the term ‘date’ very loosely.”

All his exes weren’t excited to see him because he’d known how to pick a great movie.

“Are you mad?” he asked.

“No, not mad. Just out of my element. I’ve never known a guy like you.”

“Is that a bad thing?” he asked.

He was so obviously uncomfortable, she wanted to laugh. He could have strutted around and bragged about his conquests. The fact that he didn’t made her willing to deal with all the Edens and Jennys she was bound to meet.

“I’m thinking you should give lessons to less fortunate males,” she teased. “It would be a great side job. Think of the money you’d make.”

“You’re exaggerating,” he told her. “I—”

“Carter? Carter Brockett? As I live and breathe, is that you, honey?”

Rachel patted him on the arm. “I’ll go take care of my booth. You handle the fans.”

* * *

BY THAT AFTERNOON, the festival was officially a success. Rachel went over her inventory and was pleased to see they’d already sold about eighty percent of the greeting-card kits. Parents were showing up on time to man the booth, the kids were having a blast—running through the playground and getting in the way—and money was being made for the school.

Carter had ducked out before lunch, although he’d promised to return later. Now Rachel found herself watching for him, which she didn’t like. Their deal of pretend dating didn’t have any room for the real thing.

Still, she scanned the crowd, then smiled when she saw a familiar older woman heading in her direction.

Rachel walked into the main path to greet Nina Brockett.

“What are you doing here?” she asked as Carter’s mom gave her a hug.

“I always come to the fall festival. I have grandchildren, you know.”

“I do know. I’ve met nearly all of them. Your entire family has stopped by to say hi.”

Rachel hadn’t expected their appearance but had enjoyed it. The Brocketts were obviously willing to take her in and accept her as one of them. Unfortunately, their warmth left her feeling guilty about her secret plan with Carter.

“So what are you selling?” Nina asked as she moved to the booth. “Oh, cards. Very nice.”

“Um, you might want to buy something else,” Rachel told her. “All three of your daughters bought cards, so you’re all at risk of sending each other exactly the same one.”

“Still, I want to support your class.” She leaned close. “Children are a blessing and I love every one of mine, but grandchildren are the reward. You wait. You’ll see what I mean. Have you seen Carter?”

“He was here this morning to help me set up.”

“Good. He talked about how important the festival was to you. How it’s the major fund-raiser for the school. He asked us all to come and stop by.”

Had he? That was unexpected, but nice to hear.

“Carter’s a good man,” his mother said. “He’s always thinking about the people he cares about. He’s responsible, too.”

Rachel silently groaned at the obvious matchmaking. “Nina, you don’t have to sell him to me.”

Nina smiled. “Of course I do. I want to make sure you both fall in love and get married. Not just for the baby, although he or she is going to need a name, but for yourself. There’s nothing better than a happy marriage. I know. I had ten wonderful years with Carter’s father.”

Rachel held in the need to point out that her baby would have a name even if it wasn’t Carter’s and decided it was much safer to shift the topic of conversation.

“You’ve been a widow for a long time. Didn’t you ever want to remarry?”

“I thought about it,” Nina told her. “I wanted a man around for my children. I decided that when I fell in love again, I’d marry, but not for any other reason. Like you.”

Rachel blinked. “Excuse me?”

“Carter mentioned you’d been engaged before but had broken things off. I’m glad. That means you’re sensible and romantic. A good combination.”

While she appreciated the praise, she wasn’t sure she deserved it. “I made a mistake with each of them,” Rachel admitted. “I thought I was in love, which is why I said yes. But I wasn’t.”

“Exactly. Romantic enough to see the possibilities and sensible enough to know what was required to make things work. Now you have Carter. He’s my son so I’m biased, but where are you going to do better?”

Nina patted her hand and walked toward the booth. Rachel stayed where she was as the other woman’s question echoed in her brain.

Where was she going to do better? Carter was everything she’d ever wanted in a man and she practically became a puddle every time they were close. So why wasn’t she pushing for a real relationship? Why was she content to keep her distance?

She didn’t have any answers, and it was a little unsettling. When she tried to dig deeper, emotionally, she found only that dark scary place that made her want to ignore the whole issue.

Love meant loss. She’d learned the lesson early and well when her family had been killed and she’d been left totally alone. Since then she’d found the courage to let some people in to her life. Her friends, her kids. She could care about them and survive the fear. But anything more was out of the question. The potential for loss was too great—she wouldn’t risk it. Which was why Carter was perfect for her. He didn’t want any more than she could give.

* * *

“I CONFESS, I NEVER thought of the ‘after’ part,” Rachel said as Carter took the end of a hammer to the booth and started pulling out nails.

“What did you think happened?” he asked. “That the festival would end and the booths would disappear?”

“Sure. I thought they went back to their festival booth village and lived happily with others of their own kind.”

He looked at her. “Sometimes you’re a little weird, you know that?”

“I’ve been told.”

She ached from the long day spent at the booth. She’d had a full contingent of parents to handle the sales, but she’d been in charge. Except for a quick lunch break, she’d been on her feet since seven that morning.

“I need a long bath,” she said as she moved her feet to shoulder-width apart, then bent over. Her fingers curled against the asphalt of the playground. She put her palms on the rough surface and pressed down until she felt a stretch in the back of her legs.

After grabbing her left ankle, she pulled herself to the side, then repeated the movement on her right side. When she straightened, she found Carter staring at her.

“What?” she asked.

“You’re really limber.”

She grinned. “Yes, I am. I haven’t had much time for dance class lately, but I do my stretching.”

He muttered something and went back to work on disassembling the booth.

Had that been a flicker of hunger in his eyes, she wondered happily. Did he, too, feel the pull between them? She started to tease him about it, then stopped herself.

She and Carter had a good working plan. Getting intimate again would only complicate the situation and neither of them wanted that. She was still feeling a little unsettled by his mother’s visits and her claims that Carter was the perfect man. Or if not perfect, then at least perfect for her.

“Your family all stopped by,” she said to change the subject. “Your mom told me you’d mentioned the festival to them and they came by to be supportive.”

He twisted the booth into three separate parts. “It’s a fund-raiser. I wanted to help.”

“The booth building and destruction was more than enough. You didn’t have to do that, but thank you for saying something. It was nice.”

“They like you.” He tossed the smaller pieces into the back of his truck.

“I like them. You’re lucky, Carter.”

“I know.”

He straightened and suddenly they were standing way too close together. His dark eyes seem to draw her in, so that she took a step toward him without even meaning to.

His broad shoulders offered the perfect resting place for her hands, so it wasn’t really her fault that she put them there. He was warm and strong and she couldn’t seem to stop looking at his mouth.

Nearly everyone had already left and there was only the call of a few birds in the playground. To Rachel, it felt as if they were alone in the world.

He rested his hands on her waist. “We have to stop doing this,” he told her.

“Why?” she asked.

“Hell if I can remember.”

And then he kissed her. He bent down and claimed her mouth with a possessive heat that branded her. Even as she wrapped her arms around his neck, she surged toward him, her body moving without permission. As if it had no choice but to be next to him. His thighs pressed against hers, his chest flattened her breasts and she knew she could stay in his embrace forever.

She parted and he swept inside her mouth. His tongue touched hers with a slow, erotic stroke. The thrill stole her breath. She clung to him, letting him claim her, then following him back and claiming him.

Need grew until she had to have him or die. She was already aroused and hungry. There were—

The sound of a child’s laughter echoed in the late afternoon. She told herself it didn’t matter, that she was allowed to kiss Carter, but she didn’t quite believe it and even if she did, he’d already pulled back.

“Great idea, bad timing,” he said.

His eyes were dark with passion. Wanting tightened his expression until she knew for certain he was a man in need.

She wanted to know that his desire was specifically for her. That she was different from all those who had come before. Except she wasn’t, and she couldn’t be. None of this was real, remember?

“You all right?” he asked.

She nodded. “I get a little confused. It’s the kissing. You do it better than anyone I’ve ever, well, kissed.”

“You’re pretty good, yourself.”

“So speaks the voice of experience.”

He winced. “Ouch.”

She smiled. “Come on, Carter, you can’t avoid the truth. You’ve dated more women than the average professional football team.”

“I doubt that.”

“Close enough. I’ve had two serious boyfriends in my life and I was engaged to each of them.”

“Not at the same time, right?”

Even hungry for his kiss and not sure how to reconcile what was happening, she liked that he could still make her laugh.

“Not at the same time. There were a couple of years between them. My point is I’ve never done the casual thing before.”

“Probably for the best, considering what happened that first night.”

She touched her stomach. “Right. So we should stay with our plan. Pretend dating.” And that meant there should be a whole lot less kissing.

“I can do that,” he said.

“Me, too. So we don’t have a problem.”

“Not even a little one.”

“Good.”

“Great.”

They stared at each other and she fought against the need to throw herself at him. Just one more night, she thought. One long, slow, sexy night in his bed, his arms. She wanted his hands on her body, his tongue in her mouth and his...

“Rachel?” His voice sounded strangled.

“Yes?” Was that breathy whisper really her?

“You gotta stop thinking like that. I can’t stand it. In fact, why don’t you head home? I’ll finish up here.”

She almost said no. She almost issued the invitation she sensed he would accept. But then what? Could she make love with Carter a second time and not get emotionally involved?

What if the worst happened? What if she fell for him? He was the guy most likely to walk away, which would leave her emotionally broken and bleeding on the side of the road.

“I can’t do this,” she told him.

“I’m not asking you to.”

“Right. You’re not.”

She made the rational choice then and collected her car keys. Then she walked across the parking lot and into the relative safety of her small car.

Once she’d started the engine, she drove directly home without once looking back. She knew if she looked back, she would turn around. And if she turned around, she might be lost forever.

CHAPTER NINE

RACHEL HANDED OVER her car keys and walked into the waiting room of the local auto repair shop. She was diligent about regular oil changes for her little car, although this might be one of the last ones she’d have to have done. The two-seater convertible wasn’t practical for a single mom with a newborn. She would have to start looking around for something bigger. Maybe a four-door of some kind. Something with a good safety record and side airbags.

Maybe Carter could help her find one that was...

She flopped down onto one of the plastic chairs and held in a groan. Not Carter. She hadn’t seen or talked to him since the fall festival the previous weekend and she preferred things that way. Better to take some time and get him off her mind and out of her system.

She’d been doing a pretty good job, too, not thinking about him more than three or four hundred times a day. Now if she could get that down to an even hundred, she could consider herself on the road to recovery.

The problem was she missed him. He was so good to have around. Not just because he was gorgeous—which he was—but because he was fun and charming and caring and thoughtful. And those qualities made her once again wonder why she was so dead set on avoiding anything personal with him.

But every time she thought about talking to him about something more than their pretend relationship, she felt shaky and afraid. Nope, this was better.

She opened a home decorating magazine, but couldn’t concentrate on any of the articles. Then she flipped through a travel magazine, but that didn’t hold her interest, either. She was the only customer and knew she wouldn’t be waiting long, but still she felt restless. Giving in the need to move, she walked out of the waiting room and paced the sidewalk of the main road.

This was the part of town that catered to those with cars. There were several body shops, a place that sold custom wheels and a motorcycle sales-and-repair place. She stared at the latter because it made her think of Carter. That’s where he was working. Or at least pretend work while undercover.

Pretend work, pretend relationship. Was anything in his life real?

A beautiful blonde stepped out of the sales office and onto the sidewalk. Three men followed her. They were all talking intently. Then a fourth man joined them and Rachel nearly shrieked in surprise. It was Carter!

She glanced around, not sure what she should do. Not call out to him, of course. That was his police world and she wasn’t supposed to know him.

She turned and hurried to the waiting room. When she was safely back in the small, glass space, she hid behind a magazine, while watching the ongoing conversation. The men seemed to come to some kind of agreement, because they all shook hands. Then Carter put his arm around the blonde and gave her a long, lingering kiss on the lips.

The magazine fell to the floor. Rachel half rose, then sank back onto the seat. She blinked several times, but the image didn’t go away. There was Carter sharing a very intimate moment with another woman.

Her chest ached, it was difficult to breathe and she had the strongest urge to cry. Only this time the tears wouldn’t be brought on by pregnancy hormones. Instead they would be the result of anger and betrayal.

How could he do that? How could he kiss someone else? They were...

What? she thought. What were they doing? Not dating. Not for real. It was all fake, done for the benefit of his family. Hadn’t she made it clear that she didn’t want anything from him? Hadn’t she made it clear she wasn’t any more interested in getting involved than he was? So none of this should matter.

Except it did and she hurt.

“Hey, Rach, the car’s done. Oil’s changed and everything else checks out fine.”

She turned toward her mechanic. “Thanks, Evan. What do I owe you?”

Twenty minutes later she found herself driving around town. Her work day was finished, she was tired and confused and the best place for her was home. Only she couldn’t seem to make herself go in that direction, so she made turns until she pulled in to the parking lot of the Blue Dog Bar.

She stared at the neon sign, then at the door. The need to go inside got stronger and stronger until she finally climbed out of her car and walked across the parking lot.

It took her eyes a second to adjust from the bright afternoon to the dimness of the bar. She glanced around and saw Jenny drying glasses. Rachel wasn’t sure why she thought Carter’s ex-girlfriend could help. Maybe it was because Jenny knew the man but seemed to have let him go and moved on. Maybe it was because Carter’s sisters and mother liked and trusted her. Maybe it was the first symptom of a pregnancy-induced insanity. Regardless, Rachel made her way to the bar and slid onto a stool.

Jenny put down her dishtowel. “Hi, Rachel. This is a surprise. Looking for Carter again?”

“No. I have his cell number now.”

Jenny grinned. “Good for you. So what’s up? You want something to drink?” Her gaze dipped to Rachel’s midsection. “A seltzer or soda?”

“Just water, please.” She glanced around at the quiet room and remembered how busy it had been that first night, when she’d come here with Diane. “How long have you worked here?”

“Mostly all my life,” Jenny said. “My dad owns the place. Or he used to. I’m buying him out, a little every month. Dan jokes that when we finally own the place outright, we’ll license the name and become a chain. I’m thinking one bar is plenty.” She handed Rachel a tall glass of water with ice and a slice of lemon. “Here you go.”

“Thanks.” Rachel sipped the water. “I, ah, I’m not sure why I’m here. I didn’t know where else to go. You know Carter and you seem nice.”

Jenny shook her head. “That doesn’t sound good. Is there a problem?”

“I don’t know. Maybe. I was getting my oil changed and I went for a walk while I was waiting. I saw Carter across the street with a bunch of guys. There was a blonde there, too. Tall and really beautiful. He kissed her. Seriously kissed her. For a long time. I know what he does and I know this is probably some part of that, but still...”

Jenny pulled up a stool and sat down. “Carter doesn’t cheat. He has a lot of flaws, but that’s not one of them. He doesn’t lie or even bend the truth. If you two are together and he was kissing someone else, then it was about work. Trust me. I’ve known him for a lot of years. Despite plenty of opportunity, he’s never once strayed.”

If he were in a relationship, Rachel thought glumly. But they weren’t. Not really. So who was the woman?

Jenny leaned toward her. “Look, I’m sorry about before. That I told his mom you were pregnant. I didn’t know you and I wanted to protect Carter. He’s important to me. Now, I kinda wish I’d kept my mouth shut.”

Rachel smiled. “It worked out okay, but thanks for apologizing. I adore his family, but they’re a lot to deal with.”

“I know. That’s what’s so great about him. Listen, Carter is terrific, but there will always be women in his life. His family, his old girlfriends, even me. He adores women and they adore him.”

“I’ve met a few of the old girlfriends. Some of them are scary.”

“I know.” Jenny smiled. “There were a couple who made it clear that they wanted him back and they didn’t care that we were together.”

“I ran across one of those, too. They’re everywhere. He says he’s sworn off women before, but with so many exes strolling around, I don’t see how that’s possible.”

“They were short breaks,” Jenny told her. “Sometimes measured in hours.”

Rachel ran her finger down the length of the glass. “What happened with you two? Why did you break up?”

“Honestly? I wanted him to fall madly in love with me and he never did. I don’t think Carter’s ever been in love. Not romantically. He thinks he’s immune, but I believe he’s going to fall hard one day and I can’t wait to see it. Maybe you’ll be the one.”

Rachel had her doubts about that. “He’s had plenty of opportunity.”

“If you’re going to be with him, you have to be able to handle what happened before. Those other women exist.”

“So I’ve seen. Some of them can’t seem to let go. You did, though.”

“I was pretty broken up when Carter and I split, but it worked out for the best. Dan is amazing. If I’d stayed with Carter, I never would have met him.”

“But you’re still a part of Carter’s life. Isn’t that strange?”

“It was at first,” Jenny admitted with a smile. “But after a while I realized I missed his family more than I missed him. Liz and I had become close. So I just butted in. No one minded, least of all Carter. Which is good. I’m the only child of a single dad. I never had brothers or sisters. Now I have both. The Brockett clan is good at taking in strays, and I’m happy to be one of them.”

Strays? Rachel had never thought of herself that way but she supposed she fit the description, which didn’t make her comfortable.

“You should talk to Carter,” Jenny said. “Ask him about the kiss.”

“But that would be so logical and mature. I don’t think I’m ready for that.”

“It’s your call. Better to get the question answered than wonder.”

“It’s not a big deal,” Rachel assured her. “We’re not...we’re not that serious.”

“Really? For someone who isn’t serious, you seem plenty upset.”

“I’m fine.”

“Are you trying to convince me or yourself?”

* * *

CARTER THOUGHT ABOUT calling first, but he didn’t want to get into it on the phone with Rachel. So he swung by his mother’s house, picked up lasagna, garlic bread and salad, then showed up at Rachel’s place a little after five.

“I hope you haven’t eaten yet,” he said when she opened the door.

She wore her hair back in a ponytail and her face was scrubbed clean of makeup. He liked seeing the pale freckles on her nose and the tiny scar by her right eyebrow. She wore a T-shirt and old jeans, an intriguing contrast to her usually prissy teacher clothes. Not that he hadn’t learned to appreciate the subtle sexiness of prissy.

“What?” she asked as she stepped back to let him in. “I haven’t eaten. I was going to have a salad or something. Why are you here with dinner? We didn’t have plans.”

He carried dinner into her kitchen and set it on the counter. “I’ve had five phone calls in the past hour,” he told her. “Word travels fast.”

She groaned. “Jenny called one of your sisters?”

“Two of them, actually. They called the third and my mom.” He took her hands in his and rubbed her fingers. “I was working. Ellie is my partner. That’s all. We’re posing as a couple for this assignment. I would never cheat on you.”

She made a halfhearted attempt to pull her hands free. When he didn’t let her, she sighed.

“It’s fine. I understand. Plus, it’s not like we’re really dating.”

For once he couldn’t tell what she was thinking. “Whatever we are, that can’t have been fun to see.”

She shrugged. “I was shocked and then I wasn’t sure I had the right to be upset. Not that I was.”

He tugged her a little closer and stared into her eyes. “I’m sorry you were upset. I really am doing this for work.”

Her mouth twisted slightly. “Oh, sure. Talk about a yucky assignment. She’s beautiful.”

“She’s okay. But I don’t think of her that way. She’s my partner. It’s about as exciting as kissing one of my sisters. Besides, even if I wanted to like it, I couldn’t. Her husband is a big guy and he’d beat the crap out of me.”

That earned him a smile.

“I’m okay,” she told him. “Thanks for worrying, but you don’t have to.”

“Are you sure? Because I grew up with three sisters. I know how to dig up a good worry on command.”

The smile widened. “Maybe next time.” She tilted her head. “Are you mad because I talked to Jenny?”

“You’re allowed to talk to anyone you want.”

“In theory. I wasn’t spying on you or trying to dig up secrets. Honestly, I just didn’t know what to think.”

“Did she help you feel better?”

“Sort of. We talked about your past.”

Not good, he thought glumly. “You can’t hold that against me.”

“I’m not. However, I think there should be some kind of club, or support group. We could come up with a name and hold meetings. You could be a guest speaker.”

He released her hands. “You are upset.”

“I’m really not. It’s just you’re not like any other guy I’ve ever known.”

That didn’t sound pleasant. “It’s the volume thing,” he muttered, knowing he wasn’t going to apologize for dating a lot. Despite the gnawing in his gut, he hadn’t done anything wrong. “Look, when I’m with a woman, she’s the one I’m interested in. Not anyone else.”

“I know that. You’re loyal and honest and from what I can tell, you don’t have any flaws.”

“That’s what I’ve been saying for years,” he told her. “No one listens.”

She smiled again. “Okay, you do have flaws, but they’re not typical ones.”

“Which would be?”

“I don’t know. An obsession about sports. An inability to show up on time.”

“I’m prompt.”

“Yes, you are.” She shook her head. “I don’t even know what we’re talking about anymore.”

“We’re talking about the fact that I’m sorry you were upset before. I should have told you about Ellie.”

“It wasn’t your fault. It was just...weird.”

“Recoverable weird?” he asked.

Her green eyes sparkled with amusement and pleasure. “Yes. Recoverable weird.”

He gave an exaggerated exhale. “Good, because the other kind of weird is just not for me.”

“You’re a little crazy,” she said.

“Also a good thing. See—I have so many good qualities. I’m prompt and charming and totally into the person I’m with.”

“So if this was real, you’d be totally into me?”

Awareness filled the room. Carter had a three-second battle with himself and need won over noble sacrifice. “I’m already totally into you.”

Her eyes widened but she didn’t look away. “You don’t have to be. We’re just trying to fake out your family.”

He moved closer. “Is that all? So nothing else is required?”

“Not a thing.” This time she eased toward him.

“So anything not related to faking out my family would be a waste of time and energy?” he asked as he put one hand on her shoulder and touched her cheek with the other.

“Totally.”

“Something I can relate to.”

He kissed her. Rachel had known he was going to. In fact, she’d counted on it. Maybe it was a complete waste of time and energy, but she couldn’t think of a better way to do it.

Her body clenched in anticipation of the pleasure she always experienced when he put his mouth on hers. She wrapped her arms around him and leaned against his hard, muscled body. Her breath caught, her lips parted and she prepared herself for the ride.

He claimed her with a kiss that touched her down to her itty-bitty red blood cells. Heat poured through her making her tremble and want to rip off clothes. Desire exploded until she wondered if a kiss was going to be enough. If this time she would need more.

He plunged his tongue into her mouth. She met him stroke for stroke, savoring the tingles that accompanied every brush, every inch of contact.

Apparently he felt the pressing need, too, because he dropped his hands to her hips and urged her closer. She pulsed against him. The second she did so, she felt the hardness of his arousal. Her body remembered what it had been like to be claimed by him and she trembled.

He kept his hands on her hips, holding her in place, then rubbed against her. She desperately wanted to wrap her legs around him so he could do exactly that to her hot, swollen center.

He kissed his way along her jaw to her neck, and then down her neck. “We have dinner,” he whispered against her skin. Quick flicks of his tongue followed by little bites punctuated his sentence. “Lasagna.”

“I love lasagna,” she moaned.

“So we could stop and eat.”

Stop? Was he kidding? She slid her hands under his loose T-shirt and rested her palms on his bare belly. “Do you really want to stop?”

He raised his head and grinned. “I think the pasta will keep.”

“Me, too.”

That decided, she expected him to pull her into his arms again. Instead, he grabbed her hand and led her down the hallway. When they were in her bedroom, he sat on the bed and pulled off his boots. After he’d let them fall on the floor, he tugged her between his legs and unfastened the button at the waistband of her jeans.

“I’ve only seen you in dresses and skirts,” he said. “Long dresses and skirts.”

“They’re more practical for my job.”

She’d been planning on saying more. She had a whole speech that defended her wardrobe, but just then he pressed an openmouthed kiss to her belly and she forgot everything, even how to breathe.

“I’m not complaining,” he said against her skin. “I like it. Very old-fashioned, but sexy. Still, the jeans are nice. I like seeing the curve of your hips and butt. I like thinking about touching those curves.”

Her throat went dry, while other parts of her got really, really wet. “You’ve only been here about twenty minutes. How could you have thought all that so fast?”

He tugged her jeans and panties down to nearly her knees. “I thought it all in the first thirty seconds.”

Was that true? On the heels of the question came the realization she was kind of trapped. And naked. She couldn’t step out of her jeans and she was still dressed on the top half. This was not how she’d imagined things going between them.

“Carter, I...”

“Trust me.”

He bent toward her and used his fingers to gently part her. She nearly lost her balance and had to put her hands on his shoulders to steady herself. Then, while she tried to figure out how to explain that she wasn’t very comfortable, he licked her.

The combination of being slightly off balance, seminaked and the erotic kiss nearly did her in. She gasped as she felt him lick her again. Just a quick, wet caress that made everything else seem unimportant.

“Okay, yeah,” he murmured. “More of that.”

He moved his hands to her waist, then eased her around until she was on her back on the bed. Her jeans and panties went flying, then he was between her legs and she knew that she would soon be lost.

He kissed her there as perfectly as he kissed her everywhere else. Openmouthed, slow-moving and thorough. He explored her, teasing, circling, touching until he found all the places that made her gasp and squirm and beg. Just when she started to think this was a game for him, he settled over her center and picked a rhythm that made the bottoms of her feet burn.

Over and over, he touched her. As her body tensed, he moved a little faster, making her push them to the next level. She began to pulse her hips as every part of her focused on the perfect pleasure.

Her breathing quickened. She tossed her head from side to side. Nothing had ever felt so good.

Then, just as she knew the end was as inevitable as the tide, he slipped two fingers inside of her. The unexpected fullness pushed her over the edge and she lost herself in her climax.

Her release poured through her. It went on and on, making her writhe and cry out and beg him to never stop. Finally the shudders slowed enough for her to catch her breath and open her eyes.

He’d braced himself on one arm and was lightly kissing her stomach. When he looked up, she saw the fire in his eyes and knew he was a man on the edge.

“Don’t feel you have to wait,” she told him.

He hesitated about an eighth of a second, then unfastened his belt and his jeans and pushed them, and his boxers, down.

“One day we’re going to do it like regular people,” he said as he positioned himself between her still trembling thighs. “You know, get naked first. Have a conversation.”

She reached down and guided him inside of her.

He was thick and hard and he filled her until she knew she was going to have to come again.

“Conversation,” she gasped as he plunged in again, “is highly overrated.”

CHAPTER TEN

RACHEL WOKE UP to find bright sunlight flooding her bedroom and a heavy arm draped across her stomach. She felt a delicious combination of contentment and exhaustion. Despite the fact that she’d slept in, she’d barely gotten four hours of sleep in the night. She would be dragging all day. But as the reason for the dragging was fairly spectacular, she wasn’t about to complain.

She rolled on her side and saw Carter already awake and watching her.

“Morning,” he murmured.

“Morning.”

She ran her fingers across the stubble on his jaw, then fingered the stud earring.

“Such a bad boy,” she told him.

“Smile when you say that.”

She laughed. “I’m pretty sure I’m smiling about everything. What you do with a woman could be considered illegal in several states. I don’t think one man is allowed to have that much sexual power.”

“I can handle it.”

He could sure handle her.

He kissed the palm of her hand, then rolled onto his back. “What’s the plan for today? Do you have a lot to do? I’m open. Maybe we could do something together.”

Her insides gave a little shimmy. “That would be nice,” she said carefully, not wanting to appear too enthused. Hanging out was just that. Two friends spending time together. It didn’t mean anything, except maybe the possibility of a repeat encounter in bed.

“Shopping,” he said, glancing at her. “Women like shopping.”

She laughed. “Or we could go to a movie.”

“That sounds good. I like movie popcorn.” He pulled on her hand, drawing her closer. “Or we could stay in bed. I’m kinda tired. What about you?”

Before she could answer, there was a knock on her front door. Rachel glanced at the clock. It was only a little after nine. She didn’t usually get visitors. All her friends phoned rather than dropped by.

She sat up and grabbed her robe, then slipped into it and tied the belt.

“I have no idea who that is,” she said as she walked into the living room.

“I do,” Carter muttered from the bedroom.

He couldn’t possibly know who—

Rachel opened her front door to find Nina Brockett on her plant-filled front balcony.

“I know, I know,” Nina said with a bright smile as she passed over a covered basket and stepped inside. “I’m interrupting. Carter’s always saying I should call instead of coming by. But it’s so much nicer to talk in person. Besides, when I went to Carter’s house and he wasn’t home, I knew just where he was going to be and I was right.”

Rachel opened her mouth, then closed it. Heat flooded her cheeks and she knew she was blushing.

“I, ah...” She pressed her lips together and struggled for control. “Good morning.”

“Morning, dear.” Nina tapped the basket. “Cinnamon rolls. Carter’s favorite. Don’t let them get cold.”

Carter walked out of the bedroom. He’d pulled on jeans and his shirt. “Mama, you gotta stop doing this.”

“Doing what? A mother isn’t allowed to talk to her only son? I knocked. Where’s the crime?”

He leaned against the door frame and sighed heavily. “Okay, fine. What are you doing here?”

“My water heater is broken. Just like that, it stopped working. Gordon is already off buying me a new one, but he’s going to need your help putting it in.”

“You could have called,” he told her.

“You weren’t home and I didn’t know if you would be going home to get the message. Besides, I don’t have Rachel’s number.”

“Cell phone, Mama,” Carter said. “You could have called my cell phone.”

“Oh. I didn’t think of that.” Nina smiled again. “Besides, it was a lovely drive over here and I’m happy to see you two getting along. It makes an old woman very happy.”

“You’re not an old woman,” Carter said. “You’re going to outlive us all.”

“Don’t say that. No mother wants to outlive her children. Now you two enjoy the cinnamon rolls. Carter, you should call Gordon and see when he’ll need you.”

With that, she waved and left.

Rachel carefully closed the front door and then crossed to the sofa. As she sank onto the cushions, she covered her face with her hands.

“I’m so embarrassed,” she whispered. “That was your mother. She knows what we were doing.”

“Oh, yeah. She’s real clear on that.” He took the basket from her and set it on the coffee table. “Rachel, it’s okay.”

“It’s not. She’s your mother.”

He sat next to her. His mouth twitched slightly and she guessed he was trying not to smile.

“You think this is funny?” she asked in outrage.

“It’s not that big a deal. She knows about the baby, so she’s probably not shocked about the sex thing.”

Oh, yeah. Good point, but still. “It’s just wrong. I felt so awful.”

“Don’t. She’s the one who barged in here. This is your home.” He grimaced. “Now it’s going to have to be one hell of a fight to convince her we’ve broken up.”

Broken up? Then she remembered. This wasn’t real. She and Carter weren’t a couple. They were just two people having a baby and trying to convince his family that they were involved, so they could end things later and get back to their original plan of just being two people having a baby.

“We’ll need witnesses,” she said.

“And a script.”

He was being funny, but suddenly she didn’t feel like laughing. Nothing about this situation was turning out how she’d thought. Carter’s family wasn’t supposed to matter, but she found herself hating the thought of Nina thinking less of her. Carter wasn’t supposed to be important, yet she wasn’t sure she was ready for the breakup they’d planned. Which meant what? That she wanted this to be real? That she wanted to get involved?

No way. Not with him. How could she be with a man who had dated nearly every single woman on the planet? He’d made it clear he didn’t want a relationship with her, so she’d better get the idea out of her head.

But wouldn’t getting involved with the father of her child be the most logical choice?

* * *

THE FOLLOWING THURSDAY, Rachel left work a half hour early and headed for her car. She felt as if an entire team of butterflies had taken up residence in her stomach and were currently arguing on the best way to fly in formation. She was shaky and scared and telling herself that everything was fine, but it didn’t seem to be helping.

Ever since she’d made the appointment with her doctor, she’d had a barely controllable urge to burst into tears. Not because she was especially nervous about the baby—having a child was still something she thought in her head rather than felt in her heart. Instead, she wrestled with the terror of being alone.

Although she’d lost her parents fourteen years ago, she still missed them. At the oddest times she longed for one or the other to be with her. Today it was her mother. She wanted familiar arms to hold her close and say everything was going to be all right. She wanted to hear stories of her mother’s pregnancies and births. She wanted a connection to family.

Maybe she should have called Noelle or Crissy, she thought as she drove toward the medical building. Both of them would have been happy to be with her. Noelle was experiencing pregnancy firsthand. But she, Rachel, hadn’t wanted to be a bother.

“Talk about dumb,” she murmured as she parked and got out of her car. “This was not the time to be noble.”

Next time, she promised herself. Next time she would call her friends. Besides, this was only a first appointment. She would be fine.

She walked into the four-story building and started for the elevator, only to come to a complete stop. There, in the center of the lobby, stood Nina, Merry and Liz.

Rachel stared at Carter’s mother and sisters. “What are you doing here?” she asked, a little surprised at the coincidence.

Nina shrugged her shoulders. “When I was over on Saturday, I happened to notice the note you’d written about your doctor’s appointment. I know, I know, I’m meddling. So sue me. I tried to forget you were coming here, but I couldn’t. I know you don’t have any family and this is your first baby. I couldn’t stand for you to be here alone.”

“We wanted to come, too,” Merry said, giving Rachel a hug. “Shelly’s sorry she couldn’t make it, but the sitter we hired got the flu and she offered to stay with all the kids. But she’s here in spirit.”

Rachel opened her mouth to speak, then couldn’t when her throat got tight and her eyes began to burn.

“You didn’t have to do this,” she managed to say, “but I’m really glad you did.”

Nina exhaled in obvious relief. “Here I was all braced to be told to mind my own business. I’m glad you’re not mad.” She slipped an arm around Rachel. “All right. Let’s go talk to this doctor. Between us, we’ve had a lot of kids and we know the right questions to ask. You’ll be fine. Pregnancy is sometimes easy, sometimes hard, but then you have a baby and it’s all worth it.”

“She’s right,” Liz said, claiming her other arm. “When you’re ready, we’ll tell you stories about childbirth. It’s not so bad.”

“Take the drugs,” Merry added.

“Exactly,” Liz said with a grin. “Why suffer?”

They continued to offer advice all through the elevator ride and into the doctor’s office. The four of them claimed a corner of the cheerful waiting room. Rachel held on to Nina’s hand and found she didn’t miss her own mother quite so much.

“This means a lot to me,” she said. “You can’t know how much.”

“We’re happy to be here.” Nina patted her hand. “This isn’t about Carter, you know. This is about you. Whatever happens with him, you’re one of the family.”

Rachel touched her stomach. The pregnancy had been an accident and for a while she’d thought it might be a disaster, but now she was starting to wonder if having this child was the best thing that had ever happened to her.

“Dr. Richards will see you now,” the nurse said. “She’d like you to start in her office, so you can talk. She’ll do the exam after.”

They rose together and headed for the large office. There were plenty of chairs. Nina stayed next to Rachel while Merry and Liz were on either side of them.

When Dr. Richards entered, she grinned. “I love it when a baby brings a family together. Good afternoon, ladies.”

Rachel bit her lower lip. “I know this is kind of a lot but...”

Her doctor, an attractive woman in her midforties, shook her head. “Don’t apologize. The more support, the better. There’s no better source of information for a pregnant woman than other women who have been through it already. They understand what’s happening to your body and they know what questions to ask. All right, first things first. Your due date.”

Rachel fought against embarrassment as she said, “I, um, know the day I got pregnant.”

Liz nudged her. “I heard it was night.”

Merry laughed. “I heard it was a very good night.”

“Girls,” Nina scolded. “Stop. You’ll upset Rachel.”

But Rachel didn’t mind the teasing. It made her feel a little less self-conscious.

“Technically it was night,” she admitted and gave the date.

“That makes the calculations easier,” Dr. Richards told her. “So we have a due date.”

“Not that the baby will come that day,” Nina said.

“Exactly,” Dr. Richards said. “But it gives us something to shoot for. I’ll be giving you an examination and doing some preliminary blood work. I expect everything to go normally. You’re in great health. There are some dietary changes I’d like you to make, which we’ll also discuss.”

“Prenatal vitamins,” Liz said with a groan. “They made me constipated, so drink lots of water.”

“Yeah, drink now, before the baby decides to spend all day sitting on your bladder.”

They continued talking, exchanging stories and advice. Rachel listened more to their voices than their words. The information wasn’t as important to her as the connection. They had meant what they said—that she was one of them now. A member of the family. It had been so very long since she’d been able to be a part of something so very precious.

* * *

CARTER STOPPED BY his mother’s house after work.

“You called?” he said as he walked into the kitchen and found her stirring something on the stove.

She raised her head for his kiss, then studied him with her dark eyes. “I wanted to talk to you.”

“Water heater working all right?” he asked as he grabbed a cookie from the cooling rack and then pulled out a chair at the round table by the bay window.

“It’s fine. You’re always good to me, Carter. You come by whenever I need you. You’re the same with your sisters.”

He wasn’t sure he liked the sound of that. On the surface, it seemed to be a compliment, but he knew his mother and she hadn’t asked him to stop by so she could give him a pat on the back. Life was never that easy.

“And?” he prompted.

“You’re a good man. I appreciate that. I take some of the credit.”

He grinned. “Of course you do.”

Her smile faded. “Rachel went to the doctor today.”

He dropped the cookie onto the table and stood. “What? Is she all right? Did anything happen?”

His mother waved him back into his chair. “She’s fine. It was a routine prenatal visit.”

Right—pregnant women had to go to the doctor. That made sense. “She didn’t tell me,” he said, more to himself than his mother. He’d seen Rachel most of the weekend. Why hadn’t she said anything to him? Was she trying to keep him from getting too involved or had she thought he wouldn’t be interested?

Whatever she thought of him, he had a right to be involved. He was the baby’s father.

“She didn’t tell anyone,” his mother said. “I saw the note when I was over on Saturday and Merry, Liz and I just showed up. I thought she might be angry, but she wasn’t. Do you know why?”

“Because you bullied her and she didn’t want to be rude?”

His mother narrowed her gaze. “Such a smart mouth. You didn’t get that from me. No, she wasn’t angry because she’s alone, Carter. She’s pregnant and alone in the world.”

He actually knew that, but still, his mother’s impressive ability to make him feel guilty kicked into play.

“I would have gone,” he said. “I wanted to go. She never mentioned she was going to the doctor.”

“Maybe you should ask. Your sisters have been pregnant enough for you to have an idea of what goes on. You have to get involved. There’s going to be a baby soon, and then what?”

And then, he didn’t know. The direction of this conversation was clear. He braced himself for the familiar attack, but instead of readying his arguments, he wondered if maybe his mother was right.

Whoa—where had that thought come from? Right?

“You should marry her,” Nina said. “The baby will need a father, and don’t tell me you’re going to be a father regardless of whether or not you get married. You can’t show up every other weekend, Carter. You need to be there all the time. You need to give this baby a name. Do the right thing. And not just because it’s the right thing. Do it because you want to.”

Marriage. He had very particular ideas about the institution—most of them involving him running as far and fast as he could. Sure, it looked good from the outside, but then what? How could he think about forever when he wasn’t sure he believed he could ever be in love.

Except, for once, the idea wasn’t so uncomfortable. He could see himself with Rachel in a few years. In a lot of years. He wouldn’t mind fighting with her and making up with her. He kind of liked thinking about sharing diaper duty and decorating for Christmas. He suddenly wanted to know if she liked dogs.

Was he serious about this? Could he honestly imagine spending the rest of his life with Rachel? Fidelity had never been an issue, mostly because he always knew he could move on. But this time there would be no moving on. In his mind, marriage was forever.

Could he be with just her?

The answer came more easily than he ever could have imagined. Yes, he could be with her forever. He could grow old with her. He could love her.

Love? Him?

And if he could or did love her, what did she think about him? She’d been completely comfortable with the idea of not getting married. She was one of the few women he knew who didn’t talk about getting married. Did that mean he’d finally found “the one” only to have her not want him? His ex-girlfriends would have a party in the streets if that turned out to be true.

But he was getting ahead of himself.

“Carter, are you listening to me?” his mother asked.

“Not really.”

“Then listen to this. It’s time for you to grow up.”

A common theme in his life, he thought. First the captain and now her.

He stood and crossed to the stove. “Mama, I love you, but you don’t get a say in this. I’ll do anything for you except live my life the way you want me to. It’s time for you to back off.”

She eyed him. “You’re standing up to me.”

“It’s not the first time.”

“I know, but I think maybe now you mean it.”

“I do.”

She smiled. “You’re a good man, Carter. I’m very proud of you.”

He kissed her again and left. As he crossed the street to his own house, he was again reminded that there were way too many women in his world. Was he really thinking of inviting in one more?

CHAPTER ELEVEN

RACHEL PUSHED HER cart through the grocery store. Carter had called and suggested barbecuing that night. He’d offered to bring everything, including a portable grill, but she’d insisted on providing dinner. After all, their last couple of meals had been compliments of him...or at least his family.

Carter being a typical guy, she bypassed chicken in favor of steaks, then picked up some ingredients for salad. In the dairy aisle, she grabbed a few cartons of yogurt to help with her calcium intake.

It felt strange to be shopping for two—in a guy way, not a baby way—and yet it was fun. She’d been alone for a long time and having Carter around was nice. More than nice. He was a lot of things she’d been looking for in a man. So was she being too hasty in thinking they couldn’t maybe work things out?

The biggest problem was how Carter saw her. Was she someone he would get serious about? Was he—

“Hi. I know this is really weird, but are you Rachel?”

Rachel turned to see a stunning blonde in a T-shirt tight enough to cut off circulation smiling at her. Describing the woman as “pretty” was practically an insult. She defined beautiful, from her gleaming, waist-length hair to her large blue eyes.

“What?” Rachel blinked and tried to get her brain to work.

The woman smiled. That was perfect, too. “I’m sorry. I’m Pam. Liz and I go way back. She mentioned you were seeing Carter. My two kids go to your school, so I’ve seen you around. How is he?”

Carter had dated this...this...goddess?

“I, ah, he’s fine,” Rachel said, knowing she sounded about as stupid and clueless as she felt. Suddenly her sensible dress seemed drab and unflattering. Her makeup had long since worn off, although there weren’t enough skin products in the world to get her face to look like Pam’s.

Pam’s smile widened. “I fell for Carter when I was seventeen. And eighteen and nineteen. We were young and things were a little volatile. Liz is thrilled he’s finally found the one. I’m totally content in my life, but I’ll admit to a twinge of envy when I heard he was settling down. Carter’s one of the good guys. I hope you two are really happy.”

The other woman’s sincere good wishes made Rachel feel like slime, especially since she and Carter were still in the pretend dating stage of their relationship.

“Thanks,” she murmured as Pam moved away.

Later, when Rachel had carried the groceries into her apartment and set them on the counter, she stared out the window. The women were everywhere. How many had he dated? A hundred? Five hundred? She supposed that logically all that one-on-one interaction would mean that he would be completely clear on who and what he wanted. While he’d never indicated she was that one, if she was, could she handle it? Could she give her heart knowing that for the next ten or fifteen years women would be coming up to him and offering various degrees of good wishes, some sincerely, some wishing they were in her place?

She didn’t have an answer, she just knew the question made her uncomfortable and she wasn’t sure why.

An hour later she’d changed into a flirty skirt and a sleeveless T-shirt in what she refused to believe was any kind of attempt to compete with Pam. That relationship had been over for years, right? Carter probably didn’t even remember her.

But when he arrived, barbecue and all, she invited him inside, then mentioned running into Pam in the grocery store.

He kissed her lightly, then smiled. “I haven’t seen Pam in a while. How is she?”

Not exactly the “Pam who?” she’d been hoping for.

“Fine. Gorgeous. She mentioned she was friends with Liz.”

He nodded. “They were always tight. Pam is my age, a couple of years younger than Liz, but she’d skipped a few grades in school, so they were in the same high school class.”

Rachel held in a groan. Beautiful and brilliant? Was that fair?

“She seemed very nice.”

“She is,” he told her. “So are you. How was your day?”

“Fine.” Other than the Pam encounter.

“I haven’t seen you in a couple of days. How was your doctor’s appointment?”

The change in subject caught her off guard. She’d planned on more Pam talk, but the doctor was a good subject, too.

“Great. I was really nervous about going. I don’t know why. I’ve been seeing Dr. Richards since I moved here. She’s great. Very approachable and patient. I’m glad she’ll be delivering my baby. But this is the first time I’m pregnant, so I didn’t know what to expect. Your mom and sisters showed up.” She frowned. “But if you’re asking about the appointment, I guess you already know that.”

“Were you angry they were there?”

“Not at all. I appreciated the support. It was weird—as I was driving there, I was missing my mom. I know it’s been a long time since she died, but sometimes I feel like I won’t make it if I can’t talk to her one more time. Seeing your family there really helped.”

She paused and waited for him to say something or at least nod. Instead she couldn’t figure out his expression and he seemed almost...angry.

“Carter, if I don’t mind that they came, then you shouldn’t,” she told him.

His eyes darkened. “That’s not the point. This is my baby, too. You didn’t mention the doctor’s appointment to me. I told you I wanted to be a part of things. This is important to me, Rachel. I don’t want you shutting me out.”

She opened her mouth, then closed it. Guilt and shame settled in the pit of her stomach.

“I’m sorry,” she told him, meaning it. “I really never thought...”

He stiffened. “Thought what?”

She swallowed. “That you’d be interested,” she whispered.

Nothing about him changed, but she had the feeling that she’d just cut him deeply. Funny how until this moment, she’d never considered that Carter had feelings like everyone else. He was always so charming and in charge of every situation.

She reached for his hand, then pulled back. Touching didn’t seem like a good idea.

“I was wrong,” she said, gazing directly at him. “Totally wrong. I should have told you about the appointment. I wasn’t deliberately trying to shut you out. It won’t happen again. I’ll let you know every time I see the doctor. I promise.”

Carter nodded. He was still pissed, but didn’t feel he had the right anymore. Rachel had admitted the mistake and said she wouldn’t repeat it. He should let it go.

The thing was, he didn’t want to. He wasn’t sure why this got to him, but it did.

“I mean it,” she told him. “I am sorry.”

“I know you are. You don’t have to keep saying that.”

“You’re still upset.”

He consciously relaxed. “I’m a guy. We don’t get upset.”

One corner of her mouth twitched. “Crabby, then. You’re a little crabby and moody.”

He growled low in his throat and she laughed. Her hand settled on his arm.

“Seriously,” she said. “I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.”

“I know. I’m fine. Let’s change the subject.”

She hesitated, then tugged him over to the sofa. “How was your day?”

“Good. We’re getting close to making the bust.”

“Will that be dangerous?”

“Not especially.”

“Why don’t I believe you?” she asked.

“Not a clue.”

In truth, there was always a risk, but it was minor and he didn’t want to worry her.

“Then what?” she asked. “Do you take another undercover assignment?”

“Maybe.” He hadn’t decided. “You hungry? I can set up the grill.”

“Sure. I cleared a spot on the back balcony. I didn’t think it would be a good idea for my plants to go up in flames.”

Nearly an hour later, dinner was prepared. He brought in the steaks, while she served salad and baked potatoes.

She moved with an easy grace that made him think of other things she did well. But instead of getting lost in his ever-present passion, he pushed his need away. There were different things they had to deal with and this seemed to be as good a time as any.

“Tell me about the guys you were engaged to before,” he said.

She froze in the act of passing him salad dressing. “Excuse me?”

Okay, maybe not his smoothest transition, but he’d been thinking about her previous engagements. “I’ve been wondering what went wrong,” he admitted. “You wouldn’t have agreed to marry them in the first place if they’d been jerks.”

She passed over the bottle of ranch dressing and gave him a smile that didn’t reach her eyes. “Thanks for the support on that assumption,” she said, her voice light but wary. “They weren’t jerks. I realized I wasn’t in love with either of them.”

“Why?” he asked bluntly. “What changed? Was it them? Was it you?”

She picked up her fork, then set it down. “I’m not sure who changed. With Brett, we were both young. We’d met our freshman year, sort of clinging to each other for support. Neither of us had dated much before that. We started out as friends and things progressed from there. After a while the relationship turned serious.”

“So he proposed?”

She nodded slowly. “I was kind of surprised, actually. But in a good way. He was nice and sweet and I thought...” She shrugged. “I thought I was in love with him.”

Carter wasn’t excited to hear about the other men in her life, but he knew the information was important.

“What changed your mind?” he asked.

“I just wasn’t. I still cared about him, but not in a romantic way. I realized that for me the relationship hadn’t really gone past friendship. I’d been excited by the thought of a serious boyfriend, but I hadn’t considered that Brett wasn’t the right guy for me.”

Logical, he thought. He almost believed her. “And the other one?”

“This isn’t exactly dinner conversation,” she told him.

“I don’t mind, if you don’t.”

He suspected she wanted to say she did mind, but couldn’t figure out how.

“Okay. Well, I met Ray in my senior year of college. I was a student teaching a couple of days a week and he was a teacher at the same school. We were a lot alike. He was great with kids and funny and really smart. He was getting his PhD in education at night and planned on becoming a principal.”

Carter hated the guy immediately. “So what happened?”

Rachel sighed. “The usual. He asked me out, I accepted and things progressed fairly quickly. I fell in love with him. He proposed, I said yes, we set a date.”

His muscles clenched. “And?”

“And I couldn’t imagine myself married to him. There was nothing wrong with him. I was the problem. I broke things off and returned the ring.” She looked at him. “I’m sorry this isn’t more dramatic. If I’d known I was supposed to provide entertainment during dinner, I would have planned better stories.”

He’d annoyed her, but that was the least of his problems. “You don’t let people in,” he said.

She stared at him. “Excuse me? I tell you about two relationships and you’re ready to make a judgment on my character?”

“It’s not a judgment. I’m stating a fact. You don’t let people get close.”

She put her napkin on the table and glared at him. “At least I can count the number of relationships I’ve had without having to get out a calculator. If you want to talk about people who aren’t willing to take that next step, maybe you should look in the mirror.”

“I didn’t believe in the next step,” he said. “You did. You wanted to get married and have kids. You wanted normal. So why did you agree to marry two different guys only to back out when it all got too real?”

She stood. “Let me guess. You’re going to tell me everything that’s wrong with me. How helpful. I should probably listen. After all, you have plenty of experience with women.”

He’d hurt her, which he hadn’t meant to do. He rose. “Rachel, stop. I’m not saying this to upset you. I’m trying to understand. You’re an incredible woman. I’ve seen you with the kids in your class. You’re warm and caring and they adore you. So why aren’t you married? Why weren’t either of those other guys the one?”

“You tell me,” she said tightly.

Damn. He hadn’t wanted the conversation to go this way. But now that it had... “You don’t let people in. Your friends, my family, even me, we only get so far.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” she told him. “Maybe I don’t let you in because I don’t want to. Based on your track record, you’re not exactly a good bet in the romance department. Besides, this isn’t real. Those were your rules. Pretend dating so we could break up later. I find it interesting that you weren’t willing to get to know the woman having your child.”

“I was interested,” he told her, doing his best to stay focused and logical. “You came to me with papers for me to sign giving up the rights to my kid. You made it clear from the start that you weren’t in this for anything but the baby.”

“Right. So you’re saying that otherwise, you would have tried to make things work with me?”

“Yes.”

She rolled her eyes. “I don’t believe you. You’ve made a career out of not committing. At least I’ve tried.”

“What makes you think I haven’t? Because I haven’t gotten engaged and then changed my mind? Is that the measure of a real commitment? Because if that’s what you want, let’s do it. We’ll get engaged. Then you can break up with me later because you’ve changed your mind.”

He knew he’d gone too far even before she paled and then pointed to the door.

“Get out,” she said, her voice low and trembling.

He stalked across the room, then turned. “You never gave me a chance,” he said. “Why was that? We have great chemistry, we get along. Is it my job? Is it my past? Or is it you? We’re having a baby together, Rachel. Shouldn’t you be trying?”

“I am trying,” she yelled. “What do you want from me? We’ve played all of this by your rules and now I’m in trouble because of that? Here’s a news flash—I don’t have to be married to have a baby. I’m fine on my own. I’m comfortable being a single parent. I’m sorry if that doesn’t satisfy your fantasy, but I can’t be responsible for that.”

He frowned. “I thought you said you wanted a family. Husband, kids, the whole thing. Did I imagine that?”

She paused. “No. I’d always thought... Dammit, Carter, stop doing this.”

He’d never heard her swear before. “You say you want it all, but you don’t act like it. The way things have happened in your past tell me that you’re the one in the way of the dream, not me. I stand by what I said before. You don’t let anyone get inside. You might want to think about why that is.”

* * *

RACHEL HADN’T SLEPT much that night. She’d had big plans for a wonderful evening and Carter had ruined them with his stupid accusations.

What was up with him? Who did he think he was? He didn’t know her well enough to be critical of her or her choices. It wasn’t as if he’d lived his life perfectly.

She was a good person and a good friend. She’d always worked hard to do the right thing. So why had he jumped all over her? Was it his ego talking because she refused to be one of a crowd? Couldn’t he stand the thought that there was one woman who didn’t desperately want to be with him?

But as she drove across town after work, she found that making him the bad guy didn’t make her feel any better. She’d hated fighting with him and she’d been unable to forget some of what he’d said. Like the part about not letting people in. That wasn’t true. She had lots of close, intimate relationships. Why did he have to think the worst of her and why did she care?

She pulled into the parking lot and walked toward the large entrance to the all-woman workout center. Crissy owned four gyms in the area. This was the biggest, with her company offices on the second floor.

“Is she in?” Rachel asked Crissy’s assistant, then gave her name.

After being buzzed, her friend walked out to greet her. “Hey, you. This is unexpected. What’s up?”

Rachel clutched her purse in both hands. “I need to talk. Is this a good time?”

“Absolutely.”

After asking her assistant to hold all calls, Crissy led Rachel into her bright and spacious office. When they were settled on the sofa, Crissy turned to her.

“I’m feeling especially nonjudgmental today,” Crissy said with a warm smile. “Tell me everything.”

Now that she was here, Rachel wasn’t sure how to start. Maybe with last night. “Carter and I had a fight and I hate that. He was unfair and difficult and I’m not sure what he wanted, but he really bugged me.”

“He’s a guy. Sometimes they can’t help it.”

“I know, but this was different. He wanted to know about the other guys in my life. The two men I was engaged to. I thought it was a weird topic, but I gave him the five-minute version of what happened. Then he said the reason things hadn’t worked out is that I’m not emotionally accessible. Can you believe it? Me? He was talking to me like I was some kind of scary loner. There’s nothing wrong with me.”

Crissy patted her arm. “Of course there isn’t. Look, I don’t know what Carter’s problem is. Maybe he was threatened by your past.”

“Oh, please. The man has dated thousands of women. I’m just one in a long line.”

“Then he has other issues. Everyone has different emotional boundaries. Didn’t you say that his family is running in and out of his place all the time? That sounds a little flaky. He’s kind of a mama’s boy, isn’t he? And just a little too close to his sisters. If you ask me, he’s the one with the issues.”

Rachel drew in a breath. She’d come to her friend for a shoulder to cry on, not to get into a fight. “Carter isn’t a mama’s boy. That’s not really fair. He’s a great guy. Very responsible. Sure, he cares about his family, but he’s also willing to put his life on the line in his job. He’s a good guy. Trustworthy and honest and...”

She saw the corners of Crissy’s mouth twitch, as if her friend were holding in a smile.

“At least we know you like him,” Crissy said. “I wanted to be sure.”

Rachel sighed. “You set me up.”

“Just a little. If you hated the guy, that would change my advice.”

“I don’t hate him, but he’s impossible. I think he expects me to fall at his feet and that’s not going to happen.”

“I agree. That whole feet-falling never really helps anyone. But I do have a question. If he is, as you said, a good guy, then why didn’t you ever consider marrying him? You’re having a child together and marrying the baby’s father remains the traditional response.”

“For one thing, he made it clear he didn’t want to marry me. Why would I pursue him?”

“Okay. But if he doesn’t want to marry you and you don’t want to marry him, why do you care what he thinks about you? If he’s wrong about you, so what?”

Rachel opened her mouth then closed it. “Good point,” she said slowly. “I don’t know why I care, but I do. I hated what he said.”

“So his comment about not letting people in pushed a button for you.”

“Maybe.” Rachel drew in a deep breath. “Yes. It bugged me big-time.”

“Why?”

“I’m not like that.”

“So he was wrong.”

“Yes. Maybe.” Rachel leaned back against the sofa and closed her eyes. “I guess, maybe, he’s not totally wrong. I sometimes think it hurts too much to care. You know, because I lost my family when I was so young.”

She opened her eyes and saw Crissy looking at her.

“Are you upset because he saw the truth or because he articulated something you’re not proud of?” her friend asked.

“Both, I think. I know I never want to feel that pain again. It was so horrible. I kept thinking that if I could die, too, everything would be all right.”

Long dormant emotions tried to surge to life, but Rachel suppressed them with a skill born of years of practice. No way she wanted to go there. Not now. Not ever.

“So you’re holding back to protect yourself,” Crissy said. “That makes sense. For you, the price of belonging isn’t worth the risk. We all make trade-offs.”

Rachel wasn’t sure she liked the sound of that. “I belong.”

“Where?” Crissy asked gently. “I’m not judging you, honey. I’m the last person to do that. I’m just saying, are you sure you’re where you want to be? Are you acting or reacting? The past can be powerful and an influence we can’t shake.”

Rachel had never thought about not having a choice. “I didn’t want to marry Brett or Ray. I wasn’t willing to go through with it just to prove a point.”

“Good for you,” Crissy told her. “Are you avoiding a relationship with Carter because he’s not the one or because you’re afraid?”

“I don’t love him,” Rachel said stubbornly. “Just because I can list all his good qualities doesn’t make him Mr. Right.”

“What does it make him?”

Rachel didn’t have an answer for that. Just as difficult, deep in her heart, she wasn’t sure what she felt for Carter. “Everything is so confusing.”

“Life always is.”

Rachel shook her head. “Not for you. You’re the most together person I know.”

Crissy didn’t smile. “I’m faking it as much as anyone else.” She shrugged. “Okay, here’s my confession. I’m nearly thirty. I’ve never been married. Despite what I say about hating first dates, there have been plenty of great guys. So why didn’t I pick one of them?”

Rachel had never much thought about her friend’s personal life. “Why didn’t you?” she asked.

“Because I can’t. I’m not allowed. My punishment is to never fall in love, never be romantically happy, never have a child.”

“That’s crazy,” Rachel breathed. “Why would you think that? You don’t have to be punished.”

“Actually, I do.” Crissy drew in a deep breath. “I got pregnant in high school. It was my senior year. I didn’t mean for it to happen, but then who does? I didn’t want to marry the guy and he didn’t want a kid. I found out I didn’t, either. So I took the easy way out. I gave up my baby.”

She stood and crossed to the window. There she folded her arms over her chest. “I could have kept him. My parents were supportive and offered to help. But I wasn’t interested. I knew a child would tie me down. A child would change everything, and I didn’t want that. I had dreams. The irony is I gave him up without a second thought and ever since, I’ve been unable to let him go.”

Rachel rose and joined her friend. “You’ve been thinking about your son?”

Crissy nodded. “It’s been getting worse. Maybe because I’m nearly thirty and I can hear rumblings from my biological clock. Maybe the guilt is growing. I don’t know. He’s twelve. The family is local, even. They send me pictures and letters. He’s a good kid. Happy. I couldn’t have done as decent a job.”

Rachel didn’t know what to say. She couldn’t believe Crissy had carried this secret for so long. “Do you want to meet him?”

“I don’t know,” her friend admitted. “I have a standing invitation to come on by whenever I’d like. But what do I say? ‘I’m the woman who couldn’t be bothered?’ There’s a statement.”

“You were only eighteen,” Rachel reminded her. “You were in high school.”

“I was lazy. I did what was easy, but I don’t know if it was right. Now there’s no going back. Even if I go meet him, I will never be what I could have been. I will never be more than the woman who gave birth to him. Someone else is his mother.”

Crissy turned and looked at Rachel. “You can’t imagine what this is like. I can’t know what you went through when you lost your family. It was horrible and you will always feel that pain. But you do need to figure out how it impacts you today. If you don’t care about Carter, if he’s just some fun guy you messed up with, then great. But if he could be more, then you need to think about that. You’ve always talked about wanting a family. You’ve always said that was important to you and I think it is. There are a lot of good men out there, but it would be so much easier if you could fall for your baby’s father.”

Rachel nodded slowly. “I have to figure out why I’m avoiding him.”

“I would. This is a big deal. This is the rest of your life.”

She hugged Crissy. “I’m sorry about what happened to you. I wish I could make it better.”

“It’s okay. All of this is my responsibility. I can handle it.”

“You shouldn’t have to handle it alone. If you want to talk, or decide to go meet him, I’m happy to be there. Really.”

“I appreciate that. Right now I’m not doing anything.”

Rachel managed a smile. “That’s kind of how I feel.”

Crissy touched Rachel’s stomach. “I have time on my side. You don’t. There’s going to be a baby before you know it. Trust me, they change everything. Even when you don’t keep them.”

Rachel nodded. She knew her friend was right. A baby would change everything. The question was what would she do about it?

Carter or not Carter. What did he want from her? Just as important, what did she want from him?

CHAPTER TWELVE

RACHEL PACED HER apartment restlessly. Normally she loved a day off midweek. It was unexpected and she always felt so decadent sleeping in when she would normally be rushing around to get ready. But despite the time off work, today she felt out of sorts and jumpy. She couldn’t settle in to any one task. It was time to do some serious pruning on her plants and even that didn’t excite her.

It was all because she hadn’t talked to Carter in nearly a week, she thought grimly. She’d picked up the phone about fifty times, but hadn’t made the call. Partly because she wanted him to come to her and partly because she didn’t know what to say.

He’d been wrong about her. Totally and completely wrong. Absolutely wrong and maybe just a little right.

She stalked out onto her back balcony and started plucking off dead flowers. “So I don’t embrace the world with open arms,” she muttered. “He does that enough for any five people. I care. I have friends. I know how to love. I...”

Love. Somehow the word got stuck in her brain. She believed in love. She desperately wanted to be in love. She wanted to feel safe and cared for and as if she finally belonged. She wanted to be home.

But the thought of loving and being loved and depending on that love terrified her. Loving meant losing and that was so not for her.

Rachel straightened. What did that mean? That she was letting fear rule her life?

“Of course not,” she muttered. “I’m being careful and sensible, which does not define Carter.”

He was all things wild, which made him exciting in bed, but what about in the real world? Did she want that kind of uncertainty every day? She still believed he’d set her up—establishing ground rules and then punishing her for following them. But if they were both wrong then neither of them could be right. She really hated that.

With her plants plucked, she returned to her apartment and glanced at the to-do list she’d prepared for herself. Nothing sounded very exciting, but folding laundry was a must. She cleared the coffee table, dumped everything on the sofa, then flipped on the TV to keep her company.

But instead of a morning talk show, she found herself staring at a helicopter shot of a street. A familiar street.

“This is live coverage of a standoff in Riverside. The police spokesman tells us that their raid on a motorcycle repair shop went bad when suspects opened fire. Two people have been shot, although they are still trapped inside. Until suspects release them, they will be unable to receive medical attention.”

The reporter kept talking, but Rachel wasn’t listening. She recognized the building in the center of the television as the one where Carter was working. Which meant he was inside. Had they found out he was an undercover cop?

Panic gripped her. Panic and fear. She lunged for the phone and started to dial his cell only to hang up midnumber. She couldn’t phone him. She had no idea what was happening. If the phone rang at the wrong time, it could get him killed.

Now what? Her thoughts whirled frantically. Her chest hurt and she had trouble breathing. Now what?

Not knowing what else to do, she grabbed her purse and her car keys, then hurried downstairs. Fifteen minutes later, she pulled up in front of Carter’s mother’s house. After the fight she’d had with Carter, she wasn’t sure how she would be welcomed.

Shelly answered her knock.

“I was worried,” Rachel said by way of explanation.

“Of course you were. We all are.”

“Is it okay that I’m here?”

Shelly smiled. “You’re family, Rachel. Where else would you go?”

Some of the fear was replaced by relief. Until that moment, she hadn’t realized how much she’d been worried about everyone hating her for arguing with Carter. But based on Shelly’s reaction, she wondered if they even knew there’d been a falling-out.

But if their plan had been to pretend date and then have a pretend fight for the sake of his relatives, why hadn’t he told them about the real disagreement?

Shelly ushered her into the family room at the back of the house. Nina was sitting on the sofa with Liz and Merry on either side of her. The TV was on the same channel as Rachel’s had been. When the older woman saw her, she stood and embraced her.

“We talked about calling you,” Nina said as she clutched Rachel’s arms. “I thought you’d be at work. You’re not teaching today?”

Rachel shook her head. “No. It’s one of those weird holidays where only schools close. When I saw what had happened, I didn’t know what to do, so I came here. I hope you don’t mind.”

“Of course not,” Merry said, scooting over to make room on the couch. “We’re all worried. Of course Carter is going to be all right, but until we know for sure...”

Her voice trailed off. Rachel understood. She felt exactly the same way. Of course Carter was fine. How could he be anything but? Still, until she knew for sure, it was difficult to think about anything else.

Liz jumped to her feet. “I’m going to get something to drink. Is there coffee, Mama? Should I make a pot?”

“You can make some more,” Nina told her. “Rachel, I have herbal tea. Would you like that? To soothe you?”

Rachel didn’t think tea would help, but she sensed Liz wanted to be doing something. “That would be nice. Thank you.”

“I’ll help,” Shelly said and joined her sister in the kitchen.

Merry clutched her mother’s hand. “I can’t stand this,” she whispered. “The only thing worse than Carter being there would be Adam inside, too.”

“Until we know better, we assume the best,” Nina said firmly, even as she stroked her daughter’s short, dark hair. “Carter knows what he’s doing. He’s smart and capable. He’s good at his job. How many people are in the building? Ten? Twenty? He’s not one of the ones who was shot. You’ll see. And if he is, he’s strong. He’ll pull through. He has Rachel and the baby to live for.”

Nina held out her free hand and Rachel took it. As their fingers clutched tightly, she felt both the older woman’s emotional strength and her own guilt.

Carter didn’t have her to live for. Even though she hadn’t intentionally kept him out of the loop with the baby, that was how he felt. So he didn’t have that, either.

She told herself that Carter was a tough guy and that she wouldn’t make or break his survival. But still, she worried.

The women sat together for several hours. The standoff continued. Rachel forced herself to nibble on a sandwich for the sake of the baby, even though every bite made her want to throw up. Nina stayed strong. Only the trembling in her fingers betrayed her worry. Merry, Liz and Shelly clung to each other and promised that Carter would be fine.

Shortly after one in the afternoon, someone shot tear gas into the building. Several police officers stormed inside and there was the sound of gunshots. Rachel’s breath caught in her throat. She couldn’t stand watching this, but not knowing was worse. Carter, she prayed desperately. Please let Carter be all right.

Twenty minutes later, the worst was over. Paramedics rushed in and three men were brought out on stretchers. The women crowded around the television, trying to see if one of them was Carter. Suddenly the phone rang.

Nina rushed to grab it.

Merry clutched Rachel’s arm. “They’ll let us know either way,” she whispered. “If he’s been hurt, his captain will call. If he’s all right, he’ll call.”

Merry’s fingers dug into Rachel’s skin, but she didn’t pull back. She waited and prayed until Nina said, “Carter, is that you?”

There was silence, then Nina sank into a chair and began to cry. She held up her hand and nodded through the tears.

“He’s fine,” she mouthed. “He’s fine.”

Rachel and Merry embraced, while Shelly and Liz did the same. Then they huddled in a heartfelt group hug as Rachel felt her tension begin to ease.

“It’s hard,” Liz told her, wiping away her own tears. “Knowing Frank risks his life every day is so hard, but I get through it. We all do. We have each other and you have us.”

Rachel touched her face and was surprised to find her cheeks damp. Apparently she’d given in to tears, too.

“We stay strong for each other,” Shelly said.

“I can see that.” Rachel’s throat was still tight, so it hurt to speak.

These women kept each other going. She envied the connection they had and how they were there for each other. She’d always wanted that.

Nina hung up the phone. “He’s fine. He had to go help with the arrests and give a statement. There will be paperwork.”

Her daughters groaned. “There’s always paperwork,” Merry said. “You get used to it.”

Nina smiled at Rachel. “You get used to all of it. Would I have liked Carter’s father to be in a less dangerous line of work? Of course. But he was who he was. I didn’t want to change him. So you pray, you keep busy, you love while you can.”

Rachel nodded. It made sense and in a perfect world, that was what would happen. But her problems with Carter weren’t about his job. They were about so much more.

“I should get going,” she said. “I’m so glad he’s fine.”

Nina hugged her. “He’s a good man, my Carter.”

“Yes, he is. One of the best.”

That much was true. Carter’s goodness wasn’t in question. Instead, she had to wonder about her feelings and his feelings and what each of them wanted and when their rules of pretend dating had suddenly changed.

* * *

CARTER FINISHED UP his paperwork at about eight that night. He was exhausted, but it had been a day he’d worked hard for and it had come out right. The bad guys were in jail or the hospital, the good guys were safe and he was damn proud to be a cop.

He drove home and parked in his driveway, but instead of going inside, he crossed the street and knocked on his mother’s door. He wasn’t going to stay, but she’d insisted on seeing him that night, swearing she wouldn’t sleep until she knew for herself that he was fine.

She opened the door and instead of speaking, she just pulled him close.

He held her awkwardly, feeling how small she was and knowing he’d put her through hell that day.

“I’m fine,” he murmured.

“Of course you are. Why wouldn’t you be? You were just doing your job. Still, when the bullets go flying, a mother has a right to worry.”

“You’re good at that.”

She stepped back and smiled at him. “I’ve had practice. We all have.”

“The girls were here?”

Dumb question, he thought. Once word spread, all three of his sisters would end up here.

“And Rachel,” his mother said. “She saw the standoff live on TV and came over. I’m glad she did. A time like this, a woman needs her family around her.”

“Rachel was here?”

“Where else would she go?”

Interesting question, he thought. He’d wondered about her. But they hadn’t talked in a while and he’d figured she was still mad at him.

“She was worried,” his mother said, poking him in the chest. “And in her condition, she shouldn’t have to worry so much.”

“I know. So, um, she left?”

“After you’d called to say you were safe. You haven’t talked?”

He shook his head.

His mother pushed him out the door. “So go. Call. Be with her. She was frantic, Carter. This kind of thing is hard for all of us, but for Rachel it’s also new. Go show her you’re fine.”

“Thanks, Mama,” he said. “I love you.”

She smiled. “I love you, too. You make me very proud.”

He stepped off the porch and headed back to his place.

So Rachel had been at his mother’s. What did that mean? Had her fear been bigger than her anger? Should he call? Go by? He swore under his breath and opened his front door.

He hated not knowing what to do next, mostly because it never happened to him. He always knew. Getting involved was easy. Only this time it wasn’t. This time it was complicated in ways he couldn’t understand.

He flipped on the light by the door then came to a stop when he saw Rachel curled up on his sofa. Goldie lay at the other end, her head on Rachel’s thigh.

Rachel opened her eyes and smiled at him. “Hey. Liz showed me where you kept the spare key, so I let myself in. I fed Goldie and decided to just wait. I wanted to see if you were okay.”

“I’m fine.”

“I can see that.” She pushed herself into a sitting position and lowered her bare feet to the floor. “I thought you might call.”

“I didn’t know if you wanted to hear from me.”

Her green eyes were bright with emotion. “I did. Despite everything, I wanted to talk to you.”

Which told him what? That she’d been worried? Okay, worry was nice, but it wasn’t exactly what he was looking for.

“So talk.”

He lowered himself into the club chair opposite the sofa. Goldie wagged her tail but didn’t stir from her comfy place on the couch.

“Were you scared?” she asked.

Not exactly the subject he’d thought she’d bring up but if she needed to stall for a few minutes, he could respect that.

“Not really,” he told her. “No one in the shop thought I was a cop, so I was safe from them. An overeager shooter could have taken me out, but I figured the odds of that were slim. It was a waiting game.”

“I was terrified. So was your mom and your sisters. We knew people had been injured, but we didn’t know if it was you.”

He raised both hands, then glanced down at his chest. “I’m good.”

She shifted so she could stroke Goldie’s head. “You didn’t tell them about our fight. I thought you might, so I wasn’t sure if I would be welcome.” She glanced at him. “I thought you were looking for a chance for our pretend dating to end. Why didn’t you take it?”

“I didn’t think of it,” he told her honestly. He’d been angry about what had happened, and confused, but he’d never thought to tell anyone else about it.

Her eyes widened slightly. “Okay. I’ll go with that. But you set me up, Carter. You established the rules, then got mad because I followed them.”

He’d known they would get around to this eventually. “Maybe,” he admitted, hating that he had to. “But I made up the rules because of how you started things.”

“I didn’t know you,” she protested. “I never thought you’d be interested in having a baby with me.”

“Maybe you should have gotten to know me before you assumed I was some jerk who would walk away from his kid.”

She pressed her lips together, then nodded. “You’re right. I found out I was pregnant and I freaked. Totally and completely. I guess I thought if there was no father, things would be easier.”

“You want to do everything on your own?”

“Not really, but I wasn’t very clear at the time.”

“And now?” he asked.

“Now I know you’re the kind of man who wants to be involved. And you will be.”

He studied her. “Is that good or bad?”

She smiled. “Both.”

He drew in a breath. “I didn’t set you up. Not on purpose. It just kind of happened. We had rules in place and you didn’t mind them.”

“Did you?” she asked, her voice sounding a little breathless.

“Some. I don’t know what I feel, Rachel, but we’re having a baby. I think our daughter deserves more than a halfhearted attempt to get to know each other. I think she deserves some serious effort.”

“You don’t know we’re having a girl.”

“Yeah, I do. It’s the one thing I’m very clear on.”

“I hope I have a boy just to shock you.”

He smiled. “I’d like that.”

She leaned toward him. “What do you want?”

Right that minute, he wanted her. In his arms, in his bed, under him, naked. He wanted to touch her and feel her. He wanted to close his eyes and go to sleep knowing she was there.

But that wasn’t what she was talking about. She meant what did he want in the big-picture sense. As in for more than today.

He stiffened as he realized his answer was the same. He wanted Rachel in his life. He wanted to wake up and have her next to him.

The truth was a bitch, he thought, not sure what to do with the information. He’d never been the guy who did long term, so why was he thinking about it now? Why her? Was it because they were having a baby together?

He shook his head. No, this was bigger than that.

“Carter? The question wasn’t supposed to be that hard.”

“I want us to try,” he said. “I want us to think about making it real.”

He wanted to say a whole lot more, but a warning voice told him if he pushed too hard too fast he would scare Rachel away. He still believed she held back, that strong emotion scared her and the last thing he wanted was for her to run.

She bit her lower lip. “Real as in really dating? Really getting involved?”

He nodded. “Can you handle that?”

She drew in a deep breath. “Yes, I can.” She smiled. “Okay, I’m a little nervous, but I’ll go with it.”

He didn’t want to give her too much time to think so he stood. After taking her hand, he pulled her to her feet and drew her close. “Nervous? Around me?”

“You’re a big, tough guy,” she said. “Dangerous.”

“Very dangerous,” he murmured, his mouth inches from hers. “Good in bed.”

She sighed. “You’re okay.”

That made him grin. “Just okay.”

She sniffed. “Some of your techniques need a little refining.”

He saw the teasing light in her eyes and heard it in her voice.

“What kind of refining? Want to tell me?” He bent down and swept her up in his arms. “Or better yet, want to show me?”

* * *

SATURDAY MORNING CARTER stepped out of the shower to find Rachel waiting for him in the bathroom. Since his bust had gone down the previous week, she’d been staying with him more than she’d been at home. He’d never lived with anyone before and he found he liked having her around.

One advantage of close, constant proximity was that they got to make love like regular people. Just last night they’d managed to get naked and talk before he’d had to claim her. Of course this morning they’d made love on the counter, while their waffles burned.

“Want to wash my back?” he asked as he reached for a towel. “I can get back in the shower.”

“I’d love to but your mom called. She asked if we could bring ice to the barbecue because her ice maker is acting up.”

“I’m not surprised,” he said. “It’s about a hundred years old. My sisters and I tried to buy her a new refrigerator for Christmas last year, but she found out and got mad. She said it was too much money. I explained split four ways, it’s not that much, but she wouldn’t listen. What?”

Rachel was smiling at him.

“I love listening to you talk about your family,” she told him. “There’s something warm in your voice. It makes me happy.”

“Yeah?” Despite the fact that he was still wet and she’d showered and dressed earlier, he pulled her close. “You make me happy.”

“I’m glad.”

They kissed. The second her mouth pressed against his, wanting poured through him. The instant and natural reaction jabbed her in the leg.

“You are consistent,” she said as she reached down and caressed him. “Normally I would totally agree, but we have to get ice and be there in half an hour.”

“Tonight,” he promised.

“Oh, yeah,” she said as she stepped back. “Even if I have to force you.”

She glanced down at his thigh, then frowned slightly. “I noticed that scar the first night we were together. It’s so unusual. What happened?”

He finished drying off, then wrapped the towel around his waist. “I was being an idiot, climbing up on the back of the sofa to hang shoelaces over the curtain rod. I was maybe six. Mama kept telling me to stop, that I’d hurt myself, and I did. I fell through the window and sliced my leg open. I remember her telling me that if it had been a couple of inches north, I would have been hating life.”

She winced. “I have to agree with her. I, for one, would have been deeply disappointed. Okay, big, bad guy. Go get dressed.”

She strolled out of the bathroom. He watched her go. Rachel didn’t seem to notice the changes in her body, but he could see them. Her breasts were fuller and, based on her recent ecstatic reactions to his touch, more sensitive. There was a slight curve to her stomach and thickening of her waist. She looked lush, like a woman coming in to her most beautiful time.

Carter was so used to feeling trapped and pressured in a relationship that he hadn’t known what it was like to feel that everything was right. He belonged with Rachel. She completed him and he wanted to be there for her. He wanted to hold her and support her and convince her that it was safe to care about him.

He wanted to love her.

Love. The one thing he never thought he would find. But he had. So what was he going to do about it?

* * *

AFTER ICING BROWNIES, Rachel survived the water fight, then cuddled Liz’s two girls as she dried them with a big towel in a sunny spot in the yard.

What a perfect day, she thought as the three of them sprawled on the grass and looked up at the clouds passing overhead.

“That one looks like Goldie,” Erin, the youngest, said.

“I can see that,” Rachel told her.

Around them the family laughed and talked. The guys had settled into a meaningful discussion about college bowl games, while the women kept an eye on the kids. Carter had ducked out about an hour ago and Rachel found herself listening for his arrival.

“Auntie Rachel, when I go to kindergarten next year, can I be in your class?” Erin asked.

Rachel ran her fingers through the little girl’s silky hair. “I think you’ll probably get Mrs. Reed for your teacher.”

Erin pouted. “But I want to be in your class.”

Rachel wasn’t sure how to explain the complications of her having a child by Erin’s uncle and how that would mean Erin would get a different teacher.

“Because I already know you and think you’re so great, Mrs. Reed is going to want a chance to get to know you, too,” she said. “I think you’ll like her. She’s a lot of fun. I’d want to be in her class.”

Erin giggled. “You’re too big and you’re a teacher. You can’t be in class.”

A shadow fell across them.

“Uncle Carter!” Erin sat up and grinned. “You’re back!”

“I am, Peanut.” He held out a hand. “I’m going to steal Rachel away for a few minutes. Okay?”

“Don’t be long.”

He chuckled. “I won’t.” He pulled Rachel to her feet.

“Where’d you run off to?” she asked. “I turned around and you were gone. Sneaking out on me?”

“Only now and then.”

He led the way to the front of the house, then across to his place. Once they were inside, he faced her.

Rachel gazed into his handsome face and felt an instant quivering low in her stomach. Just being alone with the man was enough to make her want to have her way with him. But before she could move close and kiss him, he took her hands in his.

“I want to talk to you,” he said, sounding serious.

“About?”

“A couple of things. I know how we met wasn’t what either of us would have planned, and then you got pregnant, which complicated things. It was a giant twist of fate and for a long time I was kind of pissed off that my life wasn’t in my control anymore.”

She wasn’t sure where he was going with this, but so far she agreed with him.

“I’ve never been a forever kind of guy,” he continued. “I didn’t get it. Other people fell in love and got married. Not me.”

There was something wrong with her ears, she thought suddenly. A faint buzzing, as if she had a cold. And her skin was all tight. Go. She had to go.

“Carter,” she began, but he shook his head.

“Let me finish.”

She didn’t need him to finish. He’d already said too much.

“I’m making this right,” he told her. “Not because I have to but because it’s what we both want. I love you, Rachel. I don’t know how it happened, but I do. You’re the one I want to be with forever. I want to learn everything about you. I want to share your hopes and dreams. I want us to make plans and have more kids and make a life. Just you. Only you.”

He let go of her hands. Before she could run, he pulled a jewelry box out of his jeans pocket, then opened it. A beautiful solitaire diamond glimmered in the afternoon.

“It’s taken me a long time to get here,” he said, “but there’s nowhere else I’d rather be. I love you, Rachel. Will you marry me?”

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

RACHEL STARED AT the ring, then at Carter. Panic swept through her and with it, the need to run as far and as fast as she could. This was wrong. She didn’t want to get married. Not to Carter. No. No! This wasn’t happening. He couldn’t be ruining everything like this.

“You’re moving too fast,” she said, barely able to catch her breath. The door beckoned, but she knew that she couldn’t just bolt. Not without talking to him first.

“We’re having a baby.”

“I know, but marriage is not required.”

Some of the light faded from his eyes. He closed the jewelry box. “You don’t want to marry me,” he said flatly.

“Carter, look. You’re a great guy. You’re practically perfect. You’re terrific. If I had to have a baby like this, you’re the one I’d pick to do it with. But why change things? We have a good relationship. Let’s not change that. We don’t need the pressure.”

She felt herself inching backward as she spoke. The door was so close, she thought frantically. If she could just get outside, then maybe she could breathe.

Carter couldn’t believe this was happening. After all this time, after all the women he’d dated, the ones who had begged him to marry them, he’d finally fallen for the only one not interested in him that way. Here he was, ring in hand, heart exposed and from the looks of things, Rachel couldn’t wait to get away from him.

Was it payback? A big cosmic joke on his behalf? Except he’d never led anyone on. He’d done his best to be honest.

Everything hurt. He’d been so sure that once Rachel knew how he felt about her, she’d be able to let go and love him back. He’d believed her feelings were right there, ready to burst free. Talk about being wrong.

She touched his arm. “I’m honored. Truly. I know this is a big deal. To be honest, some of what you said before is true. I do kind of hold back emotionally. So why push that? Why risk tying yourself down with someone who isn’t exactly what you want?”

“Don’t try to make this about me,” he told her, feeling his temper rise. Anger might just be a mask for the pain of rejection, but right now a mask seemed like a good idea. “You’re the one not willing to take a chance.”

She took a step back. “It’s my choice to make. Just because you’re willing to make a commitment doesn’t mean I am, too. It’s a question, not an obligation.”

He knew that. She was right about all of it, but he couldn’t help wanting to lash out and hurt her.

“You’re not making a choice,” he said angrily. “You’re running. Reacting to something that happened fourteen years ago. You’ll never be free of your loss if you don’t let yourself love again. Let yourself trust and be vulnerable.”

Her gaze narrowed. “Sure. Because this couldn’t possibly be about anything else. After all, the amazing Carter proposed. If I’m not falling at your feet in gratitude, there must be something wrong with me.”

“I didn’t say that.”

“You implied it. I don’t want to marry you, Carter. I just don’t. Think what you want, but that’s my bottom line.”

With that, she turned and left. The front door closed behind her.

Fifteen minutes later, he walked into the Blue Dog Bar. Someone yelled his name but before he could answer, the half-full bar erupted in applause.

“Good job,” one of the cops yelled. “Not getting dead is always a good job.”

Carter nodded and waved. He appreciated the support and praise for the successful raid, but right now he had other things on his mind.

“Drinks are on the house,” Jenny said as he took a seat at the long counter. “Even the good stuff.”

“Just a beer,” he told her.

She poured and set the glass in front of him, then frowned. “What’s wrong? You don’t have hero face.”

“I’m no hero. I did what I was supposed to do and this time the bad guys didn’t win. End of story.”

“You should be a little more excited than that.”

Instead of answering, he pulled the jewelry box out of his pocket and passed it across to her. She opened it and gazed at the ring.

“Very nice. I’m impressed.”

“She wasn’t. Rachel passed.”

“Ouch.” Jenny closed the box. “I’m sorry.”

“Is that it? Shouldn’t you want to gloat? Maybe call a few other exes and have them in for a party? Carter finally got his.”

Jenny untied her apron. “I’m taking a break, Jon,” she yelled to the other bartender, then came around the counter and grabbed Carter’s arm. When she’d guided him into the breakroom and closed the door, she turned on him.

“What are you talking about?” she asked. “What’s going on? I’ve never wished bad things would happen to you.”

“I know. Sorry. Just a knee-jerk reaction from the biggest jerk.” He sank into a plastic chair and closed his eyes. “Why didn’t I see it coming? Why did I think it would be okay? I’m the one who didn’t believe in love or forever. I finally meet someone who makes me want to believe and now it’s going to be okay? Who am I kidding?”

He hurt from the inside out. He hurt in ways he hadn’t thought possible. He looked at Jenny. “Did I do this to you? Did I make you feel this crappy? Did I make you ache and bleed?”

She crouched in front of him. “It wasn’t all that bad. I loved you, but not so much that I couldn’t recover. I know it hurts now, but you’ll get better. That old saying about time healing is true. The edges blur. Besides, aren’t you jumping to conclusions? You caught Rachel off guard. Maybe she’ll come around.”

Not likely, he thought grimly, wishing he hadn’t left his beer at the bar. This seemed as good a time as any to get drunk.

“Rachel isn’t coming around. She isn’t interested in being in love. It scares her.” He explained how she’d lost her family and been left alone in the world.

“So her reaction isn’t about you,” Jenny said as she stood and pulled a plastic chair close to his. “She’s doing it out of fear.”

“I’d hoped she’d be motivated by something else. Something stronger than fear. I was wrong.”

He’d known there was a risk, but he’d been stupid enough to think he could win. She was lost to him. He knew that and it left him empty.

“So you’re just giving up?” Jenny asked.

He looked at her. “What should I do? Bully her into marrying me? Either she wants me or she doesn’t.”

“It’s not that simple. Rachel obviously wants to be with you. She’s been spending enough time with you. A case could be made that you changed the rules with no warning. Maybe you could give her a little time to catch up.”

“And if she doesn’t?”

“Then you’re where you are now. But if you give up and walk away, there’s no chance.”

He leaned forward. His gut felt as if he’d taken a hit from a three-hundred-pound linebacker. “She either loves me or she doesn’t. My wanting things to be different won’t change that.”

“You said she’s dealing with her past. Is it possible she doesn’t know what she feels? That she’s only reacting? Give her time. Let her miss you. See what happens before you walk away.”

He shrugged. “Sure.” He could give Rachel all the time she needed and then some. What did it matter? He wasn’t interested in being with anyone but her. Missing her, aching for her, would fill his days anyway.

Jenny smiled. “You could have a little faith in love.”

“I have plenty of faith in love. It’s Rachel’s faith I’m questioning.”

* * *

WHILE RACHEL DIDN’T actually expect to hear from Carter, she still missed him over the next few days. She was torn between the need to see him and annoyance over what he’d done.

He could have given her a little warning. They’d gone from pretend dating to a proposal in an eighth of a second. He’d changed things so fast, she’d reacted without thinking. Without saying anything. She had a bad feeling she’d hurt him.

She wanted to tell herself that she hadn’t—that Carter wasn’t capable of deep emotions. Only that wasn’t true. He didn’t lie and he’d told her he loved her. When she thought about him saying that, she got all gooey inside. Like she wanted to give the world a hug. But then she thought about marriage and her whole body went cold.

Marriage was out of the question. Maybe it was her past. Maybe he was right and she did keep people at arm’s length. So what? It was her right. All she knew was that she wasn’t interested in forever.

But she hadn’t meant to reject Carter like that. He’d proposed and she’d acted badly so the next step was up to her. Even without marriage, there was still the baby to consider.

She picked up the phone, then put it down. She had no idea what to say to him. Obviously they should talk, but about what?

She reached for the phone, but this time it rang. She snatched up the receiver.

“Hello?”

“Rachel! It’s Nina. I’m cooking dinner on Friday night. Just family. I feel the need to have everyone I love around my table. Six o’clock. Say you’ll be here.”

“I...” She opened her mouth to refuse, then hesitated. Nina was going to be her baby’s grandmother and the only grandparent. Sure, the night might be awkward, but better to get that awkwardness over now. Plus, Rachel wanted an opportunity to talk to Carter. “I’d love to.”

“Good. I know you have to work, so don’t worry about bringing anything. I’ll see you then.”

“I’m looking forward to it,” she said, and meant it.

* * *

SHE ARRIVED A few minutes early and found that nearly everyone else was already there. Although she’d braced herself for a cool greeting and lots of questions, no one acted as if anything were different.

“You’re glowing,” Merry said as she hugged Rachel. “I look like a cow when I’m pregnant, but I can see you’re going to be one of those beautiful expectant mothers. That means I’ll have to hate you, but I’ll get over it.”

Rachel smiled. “I’m sure the glow will pass.”

“That’s just not how my luck goes. What do you want to drink?” Merry asked the question as she guided Rachel into the kitchen. Rachel chose flavored water and continued chatting as she tried to see if Carter had arrived yet. She didn’t spot him and was a little surprised by the rush of disappointment she felt. Okay, sure, she’d missed him, but it wasn’t a big deal. It wasn’t as if she were devastated by the fact that he was no longer in her life the way he had been. She was only interested in making things right so they could be friends again.

Nina carried a large tray into the kitchen. “Here it is,” she said, then stopped when she saw Rachel. “Oh, good. You’re here.” The older woman set the tray down. “How are you feeling? Any symptoms yet? Are you getting enough rest? You have to eat, too. Lots of good, healthy food for you and the baby.”

“I’m doing well,” Rachel said, still startled that everyone was being so nice. She’d come prepared to tell her side of the story, but there didn’t seem to be a story to tell. Was it possible that Carter hadn’t said anything? She knew he was close to his family. Wouldn’t he mention that he’d proposed and she’d refused?

Apparently not, she thought a half hour later as Nina urged them to sit down to dinner. She hadn’t actually seen him yet. While the women had hung out in the kitchen, the guys had been in the family room watching the end of a college football game. She’d tried to think up an excuse to casually go in, but hadn’t come up with one. Funny how before the proposal, she would have simply walked back and joined him. Now, that didn’t feel right.

From what she could tell, he hadn’t said a word about his proposal or her rejection—which was really nice of him and probably explained the sudden rapid beating of her heart when he walked into the dining room.

He looked good. Relaxed and handsome. She took in his features, as if she’d been hungry to see them again.

He glanced at her and nodded. “Hey, Rachel. How’s it going?”

She blinked. How’s it going? That was it?

She looked around the room, but no one seemed to notice anything was different between them. No one had realized she and Carter weren’t what they had been before. Even though she didn’t know exactly what that was.

She found herself sitting across from him, and that meant she couldn’t avoid looking at him. When he caught her eye, he smiled, which should have been great, but wasn’t. There was something missing in that smile. It was casual, meaningless, as if she wasn’t special anymore. Until just now she hadn’t appreciated how much she liked being special in Carter’s world.

Dinner was the usual mix of great food and fast-paced conversation. Rachel relaxed, thinking that maybe everything was going to be all right, when Carter said, “I have a couple of announcements.”

She tensed. While she couldn’t believe he would tell his family this way and put her on the spot, she knew she’d reacted badly. Maybe in his mind, she deserved this. She ran over a list of reasons as to why she hadn’t wanted to marry him and braced herself for the public humiliation.

Nina looked at her son. “A good announcement or a bad one? I’m an old woman. Don’t break my heart.”

He reached down the table and patted his mother’s hand. “You always were a little dramatic.”

Nina smiled. “I know. It’s charming.”

“It is.” He released her, then addressed his family. “As you all know, I passed the test to be a detective awhile ago, but I never bothered to apply for the job. I liked what I was doing. I’ve decided it’s time for me to move on. There’s an opening coming up in a few weeks and I’ve put in my application. I’ve got a good shot at it.”

Nina clapped her hands and beamed. “Oh, Carter, I’ve longed for this. Finally you won’t be shot at so much.”

“Way to go,” Frank said and clapped him on the back.

Everyone else congratulated him, including Rachel, although she felt a little lost. A detective? Since when? She didn’t even know he’d wanted to make a change. He hadn’t said anything to her.

She could see why he wouldn’t have in the past few days, but what about before? He’d wanted to marry her? Shouldn’t they have talked about a career shift for him?

Before she could figure out what it all meant, Carter cleared his throat. “There’s something else.”

Rachel felt all eyes suddenly turn in her direction. She swallowed hard. They thought he was going to say they were engaged.

Heat climbed up her cheeks. She looked at Carter, but he wasn’t looking at her. Instead, he focused on his mother.

“Mama, you’re an amazing woman. Truly. I’m lucky to have been your son. But it’s time for me to have my own place.”

“You have your own place,” Shelly said. “Your own house.”

Nina flicked her fingers at her daughter. “It’s all right. Let your brother finish.”

“I’m putting the house up for sale,” he said. “I’m buying another one. It’s about three miles away. Close enough for me to drop in, but far enough away so I can have my own life.”

Conversation exploded.

“Did you know about this?” Merry asked Rachel. “You didn’t tell me.”

“I didn’t know,” Rachel said honestly, just as surprised as everyone else. She would never have thought Carter would want to be away from his family.

Nina looked at her son. Her eyes were bright with tears, but she blinked them away. “I understand,” she told him. “You and Rachel need a chance to start your own lives together. This is a good thing.” She raised her glass of wine. “To Carter and Rachel.”

The rest of the family joined in. Rachel looked at Carter and found, for the first time that evening, he was watching her. Did he expect her to say something? She couldn’t. Not like this.

She tried to figure out what he was thinking, but couldn’t do that, either. Nothing about this felt right, she thought, uncomfortable and not sure what to do to make things better.

* * *

DINNER FINALLY ENDED. While Rachel had started the evening hoping to talk to Carter, now she just wanted to get out of the house. She felt out of place, as if she were a fraud. She hated that Carter’s family still treated her as if she were one of their own when she obviously wasn’t anymore.

She picked up several dinner plates, intent on carrying them into the kitchen, only to stop in the short hallway between the two rooms when she heard Carter talking to his mother.

“No, no,” the other woman was saying. “You were so good together.”

“It’s all right,” he said. “We tried to make things work out, but they’re not going to. Not the way everyone wanted. It’s no one’s fault and I don’t want you grilling her. Or anyone else. Rachel didn’t do anything wrong.”

“But you care about her. I can see it in the way you look at her. Tell me it’s not different.”

Rachel held her breath.

Carter stunned her by saying, “I love her, but sometimes love isn’t enough.”

“It has to be,” his mother told him.

“It’s not this time. We’ll be friends and raise a baby together.”

“But I thought you changed your job for Rachel. I thought you were moving for her.”

“I’m doing it because it’s time for me to move on.”

“You’re a good man,” Nina said after a moment of silence. “I’m proud of you, Carter. Your father would have been proud of you, too.”

Rachel stepped back into the dining room and set the plates on the table. What was she supposed to do now?

* * *

RACHEL WAITED UNTIL Carter said he had to leave, then excused herself and followed him to his house.

“Can we talk?” she asked when she’d caught up with him.

“Sure.” He pushed open the front door, then waited for her to enter first.

She walked into the pleasant room. Everything was familiar and yet nothing seemed right. She didn’t belong here anymore.

He motioned to the sofa and took one of the chairs for himself.

“What’s up?” he asked.

He seemed so casual, she thought, watching him watch her. As if none of this mattered. But it had to. He hadn’t proposed lightly. He wouldn’t. She’d turned him down and he’d moved on—she should be happy.

She tried to figure out what to say. How to explain something she didn’t understand herself. She cared about him, cared deeply, but he didn’t want to know that. What did caring matter when she couldn’t say she loved him?

Because that’s what he would want. He’d waited a long time to find the right woman and when he found her, he was going to expect her to give with her whole heart. Could she do that? Could she give him everything she had?

The question had barely formed when her chest got tight and the need to run burned through her.

“You never said anything about changing jobs,” she said instead. “I didn’t know.”

“I’ve been thinking about it for a while,” he admitted. “It’s a good opportunity for me. Interesting, important work and I’ll be a little safer. That’s good for the baby.”

She nodded slowly. “You’re angry with me.”

His dark gaze never left her face. “Not yet. I’m working up to anger. Get back to me in a couple of weeks and I’ll let you know. Right now I still feel like roadkill.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Why? You told the truth. You couldn’t do it and you said so. That beats the last two times when you pretended you could.”

She flinched. “That’s a little harsh.”

“Maybe. I’m not in a position to judge. I fell in love for the first time in my life and I got dumped. I’m still bleeding, Rachel. What do you want from me?”

What did she? “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I never meant to hurt you.”

“Too bad, because if that had been the plan, then hey, big win for you.” He stood. “If you’re done, I’ve got things to do.”

She hated that she’d done this to him. She rose to her feet and stepped close enough to touch him.

“I’m sorry,” she said again as she put her hands on his upper arms. “You have to believe me.”

He looked down at her. “That’s the hell of it, Rachel. I do believe you.”

She could see the pain in his eyes and she’d been the one to put it there. She hated that. Without thinking, she stood on tiptoe and pressed her mouth to his.

Familiar wanting rushed through her. He was warm and tempting and fifteen kinds of sexy.

This felt so right, she thought hazily as passion took over. She leaned in to him and parted her lips. But instead of responding, he stepped back.

“No, thanks,” he told her. “Not my style.”

“Wh-what?”

“I’m not going there with you. You’ve made it clear what you don’t want from me, now I’m doing the same. We’re just friends and I don’t sleep with my friends.”

But how could he deny their chemistry? They were so good together.

“You look surprised,” he said, crossing his arms over his chest. “Don’t be. I don’t do stud-service and I’m not your pretend boyfriend anymore. I want it all, or I don’t want any of it. All my life I’d blamed my troubles on women. The truth is, I created my own trouble by not being willing to step up to the plate. I’m not going to do that anymore. I’m taking responsibility and I’m taking charge. I’ll be your friend, but it ends there.”

She felt embarrassed and angry. His rejection cut her, yet she was aware enough to understand why he’d done it. A teeny, tiny part of her thought that maybe he was right.

“Fine,” she said, doing her best to keep her voice from shaking. “We’ll be friends. And parents.”

“Sure.”

There was something about the way he said the word. Something that really annoyed her.

“What?” she demanded. “You don’t think I’m going to be a good mother.”

“I have my doubts,” he said, stunning her. “You’re afraid to care too much. Given your past, it’s understandable to me. But is the kid going to care about your issues? I think a baby is only going to know that her mother doesn’t love her and that’s not right.”

She glared at him. Her fingers itched to throw something, to lash out. “How dare you say that to me? You don’t know anything about me.”

“I know a whole lot about you. I know you’re letting being afraid control your life. I know you walked away from something that could have been good because it’s easier than going through the fire. Sometimes fire can burn the hell out of you and you’re never the same, but sometimes it just gets rid of all the dead wood and you’re left with something new and clean.” He shrugged. “It was your call, Rachel, and you made it. Now we both live with it.”

She trembled with rage and disappointment. It was truly over. There was nothing left to say, nothing left to save. So she did what made the most sense. She left.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

“IT’S NOT FAIR,” Rachel said as she paced the length of the family room in Noelle’s beautiful house. “He’s being totally unreasonable. Now that he’s figured out how he feels, I’m just supposed to fall in line. Well, excuse me if life isn’t that convenient.”

Crissy leaned back in the overstuffed sofa and sipped her wine. “You’re right. What is it about guys? They manage to get it all together and suddenly the rest of us should pause and gasp in honor of that? So what if Carter loves you? You didn’t ask him to care. You didn’t pretend that he matters.”

Rachel paused at the French doors and glanced at her friend. “He does matter. He’s the father of my baby, so that has to count.”

“Fine.” Crissy shrugged. “So he gets points for mobility. Big whoop.”

Rachel had a feeling Crissy was playing her a little—backing her into an emotional corner so she was forced to defend Carter. She wasn’t sure how she felt about that. Carter might be really annoying, but for the most part, he was a good guy.

Noelle waddled in with a tray of appetizers. She set them on the large coffee table, then sank into the chair by the sofa. “One of you is going to have to help me up later,” she said with a sigh. “I’m getting too big to maneuver on my own.”

“Absolutely,” Crissy said. “I’m happy to lend a hand.”

For a moment Rachel wondered what Crissy thought about both her friends being pregnant. Did it bother her to know they were keeping their children? She’d mentioned her guilt at taking the easy way out before. Did she also regret what she’d lost?

“What did I miss?” Noelle asked.

“Rachel is still pissed at Carter. He’s such a jerk.”

“He’s not a jerk,” Noelle said. “Honestly, the poor man proposed. Why does he have to go to prison for that?”

“He doesn’t,” Rachel said as she moved to the sofa and sat down. The mini quesadillas were calling to her. She grabbed a napkin and picked up one. “I appreciate what he’s trying to do. What annoys me is his assumptions about me. As if by not wanting to marry him, there must be something wrong with me.”

Noelle sighed. “He’s hurt. He loves you. I couldn’t understand what that meant before, but now, with Dev, I so get it. When I fell for Dev and was afraid he didn’t love me back, I thought I was going to die. I couldn’t imagine living through that much pain. It was horrible. Carter’s hurt and he’s lashing out. You have to give him a little room to deal with his pain.”

“He can have all the room he wants,” she grumbled. “He can have miles and miles.”

“It’s not that simple,” Noelle said. “You’re having his baby. That’s going to connect you forever.”

“I’m sure he’s hating that.” Rachel took a bite of the quesadilla.

“I still think he’s being totally unreasonable,” Crissy said. “Men are such a pain. Yes, he’s had his great emotional revelation, but is it Rachel’s fault that she doesn’t love him back?”

“You can’t force love,” Noelle admitted. “It’s just too bad you can’t return his feelings. Then you could be a family.”

Rachel knew her friends were being supportive and she was grateful for that, but she also felt a little judged. Crissy was trying to make a point and Noelle kept talking about Carter and what he’d done. In a perfect world, yes, she would have fallen madly in love and they could have lived happily ever after. But life wasn’t perfect.

“I just can’t,” she said as she balled up her napkin and tossed it on the table. “I can’t be what he wants me to be.”

“Which is what?” Crissy asked. “What does he want from you?”

“He wants me to be...” Rachel paused. What had Carter asked for? Except for her to love him back and marry him, she couldn’t think of anything. “A person who loves him. It’s just not me.”

“That’s okay,” Noelle said soothingly. “He’ll find someone else.”

Rachel spun to face her. “What?”

“Someone else,” her friend repeated. “Now that Carter understands that he can fall in love with someone, he’s going to want to do it again. I hope this time he can find someone to love him back.”

Right. Because that was the mature and responsible thing to want. But that would mean that Carter would get married. Rachel would be like all his other exes—except she would have his baby. There she’d be, invited over at holidays like Jenny and a few select others. She’d bring the baby and they’d all fuss. Especially Carter’s new wife, because she wouldn’t want anyone to think she minded.

Eventually he would have other children. Children who would make him forget the one he had with Rachel.

“Stupid man,” she muttered. “It’s all her fault.”

“Her who?” Crissy asked.

“That woman he married. She’s awful.”

Crissy sipped her wine again. “Are we talking about Carter’s imaginary wife? Maybe you’ll like her.”

Rachel didn’t respond. She was busy dealing with the uncomfortable realization that she didn’t want Carter for herself, but she didn’t want anyone else to have him, either. And that thought made her exactly the kind of person she hated.

“I’m sorry,” she said as she stood. “I can’t do this tonight. I have to go.”

“Are you all right?” Noelle asked as she struggled to her feet. Crissy rose and helped her up. They both followed Rachel to the front door.

“I’m fine,” Rachel said, wishing it were true. “I need some time to think. I’ll be okay.”

They both hugged her and made her promise to call. Finally she escaped and made her way to her car. But instead of driving home, she circled through different neighborhoods until she found herself at the mall.

It was a Friday night and the place was packed, mostly with teenagers. Rachel wandered the first level, trying to interest herself in a new body lotion or maybe a soft pretzel. Instead, she found her attention shift to the kids passing by. Most of them were in groups, but she saw a few couples.

They were so intent on each other, she thought as she watched one girl melt into her boyfriend’s embrace, then kiss him passionately in an alcove by the card store. She had never been like that in high school. Never that carefree or that willing to get involved. She’d held herself apart because it still hurt—every minute of every day she’d missed her family.

Someone should have taken her to counseling.

The thought was so unexpected, she stopped right there, forcing a family with two strollers to walk around her.

Counseling. Of course. She’d been twelve and she’d lost her entire family. Someone to talk to, someone who knew about grief, could have made a big difference. But no one had suggested it and she’d never thought to ask.

She started walking again, but she didn’t see the stores. Instead she saw Brett, her first real boyfriend. He hadn’t been surprised when she’d broken off their engagement. He admitted he’d been expecting it.

“You were never there,” he said. “I hoped it would get better, but you were always somewhere else. I couldn’t touch you.”

She’d protested, saying they were both each other’s first time. How much more touching could there be? But he hadn’t meant physical contact. He’d meant something deeper and more significant.

She’d run then, because it was the right thing to do. Because it was easy and what she knew. Ironically, she was still running.

Where would she run to next? How many times would she turn away from what she wanted because she was afraid?

But the fear was so real, she thought. So big. It was her world. It haunted her and when she tried to dismiss it, it reminded her of how much she had already lost. Could she survive more?

* * *

RACHEL ARRIVED HOME to find Crissy waiting for her.

“I can’t stand this,” her friend said from her seat at the top of the stairs. “I’m here to meddle, so brace yourself.”

“I’m braced,” Rachel said as she opened the front door. “Come on in.”

Crissy followed her into the apartment and set her purse on the table by the door. “I know this is your decision,” she said earnestly. “I’ve been telling myself this is your life and that you should be allowed to live it however you want.”

“But?” Rachel asked, relieved to have someone to talk to.

“But you’re going to make a mistake. I can feel it.” Crissy walked up to her, put both hands on her shoulders and shook her gently. “What on earth is wrong with you?”

Rachel startled herself and most likely Crissy by bursting into tears. “I don’t know. I’m so afraid.”

Crissy led her to the sofa and sat next to her. “Oh, honey, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you cry. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. It’s not your fault. It’s me. I’m just not like other people. There’s too much wrong with me.”

Crissy pulled her close and rubbed her back. “Don’t be silly. You’re one of the most normal people I know. We all have flaws. We all deal with crap. Don’t beat yourself up for being human.”

Rachel wiped her face. She felt emotionally spent and broken. “He’s great,” she said, still fighting tears. “I know that. He’s caring and honest and good and sexy. He has a terrific family and don’t all those articles say to judge a man by how he treats his mother? He’s terrific with her and his sisters.”

She struggled for breath, then gave up and let the tears win.

“Sounds good to me,” Crissy said. “If I could face one more first date, I’d go for him myself.”

Rachel gave a strangled laugh. “Please don’t. Then I’d have to hate you.”

“We don’t want that.” Crissy wiped her face. “Come on. What’s the real problem? It isn’t how great he is, because that’s all a good thing. Talk about a fabulous gene pool. So what’s really wrong?”

Rachel straightened and dug down for the honest response. “I can’t do it. I can’t love him as much as he wants me to.”

Crissy gave her a slight smile. “So much material to work with in that sentence. I’ll go with the obvious one first. As much as he wants? Is that what this is about?”

Rachel closed her eyes, then opened them. “As much as I want,” she whispered.

“Okay. Good. Why not?”

She stiffened. “Why not? Because what happens if I do? What happens then? He could die.”

Crissy blinked. “At the risk of being a bitch, we’re all going to die. It’s part of living. You’re born, you live, you die. There’s no getting around it.”

“I’m not talking about later. When he’s had a full life. I’m talking about now. I’ve already lost everything once. I can’t do that again.”

Crissy nodded. “Good point. What if he doesn’t?”

“What do you mean?”

“What if he doesn’t die? What if he lives a long, healthy life and dies in his sleep at a hundred and three? He’s what, thirty? So you will have lost seventy-three years with him on the off chance he kicks the bucket early. Not a great trade-off.”

“Seventy-three years with Carter,” Rachel murmured. That was her definition of heaven. “I could do that.”

“Okay, so it’s not the actual dying,” Crissy said. “It’s him dying too soon. So how much is enough? If you knew he was only going to live until he was sixty—that’s thirty years with him. Would that be enough?”

Rachel knew her friend was leading her somewhere, but she couldn’t figure out where. “I’d want more, but yes, I’d take thirty years.”

“Would ten be enough? Would you accept ten?”

The tears threatened. “I don’t know. That would hurt.”

Crissy drew in a breath. “What about the baby?” she asked in a low voice. “When will you decide it’s safe to love your child?”

Rachel touched her stomach. “What do you mean? I already love my child.”

“Do you? How can you know how long he or she is going to live? How can you live with that fear?”

She didn’t know what to say.

“I don’t have any answers,” Crissy told her. “But here’s my news flash. I’ve always wanted to fall in love, but I’ve never allowed myself. I never thought I was good enough. I had to keep the punishment on because of what I’d done. Thinking about you, knowing what you’re going through, has caused me to question that. When is the punishment enough? When is it okay for me to be happy?”

Crissy shifted on the sofa and took one of Rachel’s hands in her own. “You lost your whole family, your whole world. It was tragic. But a greater tragedy is that you survived only to become trapped in a fear so great you’re afraid to live. Is this what your parents would have wanted? Would this make them happy? You go through the motions, but you don’t feel any of it. I’m saying this because you’re my friend and I love you. And because I’m afraid you’re going to become one of those obsessive, psycho moms who make their kids live in a plastic bubble.”

“I’d never do that,” Rachel whispered through her tears. This was all too much. She wanted to go back to the way things were before. When she didn’t have to hurt or wonder or feel.

Her breath caught. That’s what it all came down to—feeling. Being willing to put it on the line.

“You think if something bad happens, you won’t be able to deal with it,” Crissy said softly. “My second news flash is that you’re not that twelve-year-old little girl anymore. You’re a capable adult with a hell of a support system. We would all be there for you. You would never lose your home or your family. We go with you wherever you go. Trust us to be there and trust yourself to be strong.”

Later, when Crissy had left, Rachel walked into her bedroom and pulled a battered wooden box out of the bottom drawer of her dresser. She sat on the floor and opened the lid.

Inside was all she had left of her parents and her baby brother. There were pictures, an old house key, their wedding rings and the earrings her mother had been wearing that fateful night. Their passports, unused except for the single stamp from their honeymoon trip to Italy. Her brother’s favorite toy car.

She flipped through the pictures, smiling at barely remembered Christmas mornings, tearing up at a candid shot of her mother hugging her. Sometimes she could remember so much and at other times, everything blurred.

What would they think of her now? Would they be proud or disappointed? Her parents had always said she needed to do her best. If she’d done that, then they were happy. She didn’t have to be the best in the world, just the best her.

The best her didn’t live afraid all the time. The best her believed and had faith. Crissy was right—Rachel couldn’t keep anyone from dying. It wasn’t the death she feared, it was her inability to cope with it. Her inability to stay strong.

But she had been strong. She’d survived a devastating loss. She’d grown up and made a life and now she was a few months away from being a mother herself.

She turned to the next picture. It was of her parents. They gazed at each other with such love in their eyes. She smiled as she remembered how it felt to be around them. Surrounded by love. Nurtured, cared for, protected. Carter looked at her the same way. He made her feel safe and cared for. He...

Rachel scrambled to her feet. Was she crazy? Carter loved her. He was the best man she’d ever met and he loved her. Did she really think she was going to get this lucky again? Did she think she would find someone better? Crissy was right—they had a set amount of time on this earth. No one knew how long, but to waste it because it was eventually going to end seemed really stupid.

She glanced at the clock. It was nearly midnight. Too late to call. Too late to...

“Forget it,” she muttered as she ran out of her bedroom, grabbed her purse and her car keys, then flew out the door. She was done waiting. She’d already waited too long.

She made the drive across town in record time, then ran up to his front door and rang the bell over and over. She didn’t let herself think that he might not be home, that he might already have found someone else. She wouldn’t imagine trouble. She already had a lifetime of doing that.

The door opened and there he was. Sleepy and mussed and the most gorgeous man she’d ever seen.

“Rachel? Are you okay?”

“No.” She pushed past him. “I’m not. I haven’t been for a long time.”

She refused to believe it was too late. If he loved her, then somehow she would convince him to give her a second chance. If he didn’t... No, she wasn’t going there.

He closed the door and faced her. “What’s wrong?”

“Everything. I’m so scared all the time. It eats at me. I was thinking earlier that I probably should have gone into some kind of therapy after I lost my parents. Maybe I still should, I don’t know. But what I do know is that event changed me. I was afraid to care too much about anything. If I didn’t care, then it was okay if it was taken away. You were right. Crissy was right. I guess everyone was right but me.”

“Rachel, it’s okay.”

She wanted to go to him, to touch him and hold him and have him want her, but she remembered their last conversation. No part-time anything. First she had to convince him that this was forever.

“It’s like my dancing,” she said, speaking quickly, needing to get it all out as fast as possible. “I took one teacher’s word. What if she’d been having a bad day? She said I couldn’t make it and I believed her. I let one person’s opinion define my life. I stopped trying. I took classes, but they were just for me. I went to my fallback plan and became a teacher. I love what I do and I’m really glad I’m doing it, but I wish I tried dancing a little more.”

She stopped and drew in a breath. His dark eyes didn’t tell her what he was thinking, but at least he hadn’t thrown her out.

“I have plants,” she said. “They’re safe. I really want a dog, but I’ve been too scared. I say it’s because I live in an apartment, but I could move. I haven’t bought a house. Sure it would have been tough, financially, but my parents left me some money. I have the down payment. I’ve been so careful not to make mistakes or get hurt that I’ve missed the best parts of life. The messy, unpredictable, emotionally scary parts. I nearly missed you.”

She took a step closer and placed her hand on his chest. “You are the most wonderful man. You are everything I could ever want and more. I have been horrible to you and I’m deeply sorry. I know I don’t deserve a second chance, but I’m asking for one. I’m willing to do whatever you say to prove myself to you. Just please, please give me another chance.”

She drew in a deep breath and spoke the words that she’d been hiding from for far too long. “I love you, Carter. I love you. I want to be with you. I want to have children with you and grow old with you. I don’t care how long we have. Okay, yeah, the more time the better, but even if it’s just for today, I want to be with you.”

She waited, studying his face, hoping for the best. One corner of his mouth turned up and he held open his arms.

She rushed into them and held him as tightly as she could. He pulled her close.

“I love you,” she told him.

“I love you, too.”

“I’m glad. I’m sorry I was so stupid about everything.”

“You had some things to work out.”

“I still do, but maybe we can work on them together.” She raised her head and looked at him. “I want to be someone you’re proud of. Someone you can depend on, no matter what. I want to be the best part of your day.”

“You already are.”

“You’re the best part of mine, too.”

She stood in his embrace and felt the strength of him, the love.

He pressed his lips to her cheek, then whispered, “I have something of yours.”

“What?”

He jerked his head to the left. She turned and saw the velvet jewelry box sitting on the coffee table.

“Marry me, Rachel,” he said.

“Yes.” She kissed him. “Yes, yes. Absolutely. Say when. Today? Tomorrow? I don’t need a big wedding.”

“Sure you do. It’s a chick thing. We’ll have it all. Flowers, a cake, whatever you want.”

She smiled. “I have what I want. I have you.”

* * * * *

Two down and one to go. Is there something in the water? Was it that knitting class? Noelle and Rachel both found themselves pregnant and everything turned out great. Crissy has never seen her friends happier. Crissy had a baby twelve years ago and gave him to an incredible family. She has no regrets, but there hasn’t been a day since when she doesn’t think of Brandon. Maybe she’s not meant to have her own happily-ever-after...or is it finally her time? Don’t miss Crissy’s story in Circle of Friends Part 5.

ISBN-13: 9781488024627

Circle of Friends: Part 4 of 6

First published as The Ladies’ Man

This edition published 2016

Copyright © 2006 by Susan Macias Redmond

All rights reserved. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of publisher, Harlequin Enterprises Limited, 225 Duncan Mill Road, Don Mills, Ontario, Canada M3B 3K9.

All characters in this book have no existence outside the imagination of the author and have no relation whatsoever to anyone bearing the same name or names. They are not even distantly inspired by any individual known or unknown to the author, and all incidents are pure invention.

This edition published by arrangement with Harlequin Books S.A.

® and ™ are trademarks of the publisher. Trademarks indicated with ® are registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office, the Canadian Intellectual Property Office and in other countries.

www.Harlequin.com

CIRCLE OF FRIENDS:
Part 5 of 6

Susan Mallery

Contents

CHAPTER ONE

CHAPTER TWO

CHAPTER THREE

CHAPTER FOUR

CHAPTER FIVE

CHAPTER SIX

CHAPTER SEVEN

The knitting circle of friends is something Noelle, Rachel and Crissy never thought they’d have. But they’ve come to rely on each other for advice, bringing them as close as sisters. Noelle and Rachel are now happily married with young families, leaving Crissy feeling a little left out. She had a baby once—but gave him away so he’d have a better life. His adoptive parents have always wanted Crissy in Brandon’s life, but until now she’s refused. Maybe it’s time for a reunion?

CHAPTER ONE

CRISSY PHILLIPS BELIEVED in chocolate as a cure for heartache, exercise as a cure for everything else and second chances...for everyone but herself. Which was why she’d been standing outside the Kumquat Diner for the past fifteen minutes, instead of going inside for her meeting. Going inside was too much like forgiving herself and Crissy wasn’t ready to do that just yet.

She knew all the arguments. She’d been young. She’d made the best choice she could at the time. If a friend of hers were in the same position, Crissy would cheerfully tell her to get over it and move on. Why was it always so much easier to give advice to other people, than to herself? Why did everyone else’s life look so easily fixable, while elements of her own seemed an unfathomable mess? Why was she talking to herself in the middle of a diner parking lot?

She took a single step toward the front door of the diner, then stopped.

Just do it, she told herself. Do it, do it, do it.

When the chanting didn’t work, she tossed her head and felt the light brush of her newly clipped hair on the back of her neck. She’d spent over two hundred dollars on red and gold highlights and an impossibly up-to-the-minute cut that actually suited her face. Didn’t she want to flaunt her new and improved self?

She hated being indecisive and insecure. She was a successful businesswoman, a take-charge person. She made decisions easily and except for being an absolute failure when it came to her knitting class, she kicked butt wherever she went.

Not literally, of course.

It was one meeting. How scary could that be? She really needed to—

The front door of the diner opened and a tall, good-looking guy stepped out. He had reddish-brown hair, surprisingly close to her own untouched color, and eyes that belonged on a billboard on Sunset Strip, the color of moss after rain, framed by big, thick lashes. Crissy didn’t consider herself a very sentimental person, but she was thinking an ode or two to those eyes might very well be in order.

“Hi,” he said with a smile. “Are you the one I’ve been waiting for?”

It was an opening line that deserved a movie score, she thought as she grinned. “You forgot ‘all my life.’ For that question to really work, you need the tagline.”

His smile widened, then he glanced at his watch. “More like for the past ten minutes. Are you Crissy?”

She hadn’t had to meet the devil head-on. He’d come to find her. Although Josh Daniels wasn’t really the devil. He was a kind man who’d offered to help, at his brother’s suggestion. Actually, the word “facilitate” had been tossed around, but Crissy could never use that word in a sentence without fighting a fit of giggling.

“Hi, Josh,” she said. “Nice to meet you.”

He raised his eyebrows. “I’m not sure nice covers it. You’ve been standing out here, trying to decide if you should come in for the past ten minutes. So is it me or the circumstances that have you dancing in the parking lot?”

“I wasn’t dancing,” she said primly, trying to ignore the fact that he’d obviously seen her and guessed she was slightly ambivalent about their meeting. “I was getting in touch with my inner...”

“Self?” he offered.

While weak, it worked. “Right,” she said.

“Are you in touch now?” he asked.

As much as she was going to be. “I’m fine.”

“Good.” He pulled open the door. “I got us a booth. It has a great view of the parking lot. You’ll like it. Come on, this won’t be so bad.”

As she’d requested the meeting, she had little choice except to follow him into the brightly lit interior. He led the way to a booth in the back which, unfortunately, did offer a clear view of the parking lot.

“So you witnessed my mental moment,” she said as she slid onto the bench seat. “How comforting. Having exposed myself at my worst, I have only one direction to go.”

He settled across from her. “If that’s your worst, you’re a lot better off than most people.” He leaned back and studied her. “Let’s admit the situation is unusual and awkward. So we’ll take it slow. Talk about regular stuff for a while. How does that sound?”

“Good,” she admitted. “You’re being really nice about all of this.”

“I’m a really nice guy. Incredibly intelligent and gifted...but let’s not talk about me.”

She grinned. “How refreshing to meet a man who knows his place in the universe.”

The waitress appeared with two menus. Both Crissy and Josh ordered coffee. When they were alone, Crissy said, “Thanks for agreeing to meet with me. Pete and Abbey have always been so open and inviting. I just never felt right about...”

She stopped and pressed her lips together. No. She was going to tell the truth, even though it wasn’t pretty and didn’t reflect well on her.

“Until recently, Brandon has been more theory to me than the actual child I gave up for adoption,” she admitted. “Every time Abbey sent me a note or called, I never knew what to say. It was easier to stay away.”

The waitress returned with two mugs of coffee, then left.

“I’m not here to make trouble,” Crissy added. “I just thought it might be nice if I could meet him or something.”

She wondered if Josh would make a crack about her turning thirty and finally hearing the first not-so-subtle ticks of her biological clock, or if he would be defensive. Instead he simply regarded her thoughtfully with his soulful green eyes, saying nothing.

“What are you thinking?” she asked after a few minutes of silence.

“That you’ve spent a lot of time beating yourself up about giving up a baby for adoption. You were what—seventeen?”

When she got pregnant, but eighteen when he was born. “I’d finished high school,” she said, not sure if she was explaining or trying to manipulate him into yelling at her.

Because he was right. She did beat herself up a lot. She’d taken the easy way out—she’d chosen to have the life she’d planned instead of raising her child herself. No matter how she rearranged the facts, she couldn’t seem to make herself the honorable party.

Josh continued to study her. “Abbey can’t have kids. She told you, right?”

Crissy nodded. “The first time we met. She’d had an accident when she was younger and the result was she couldn’t have children. She and Pete started looking into adoption as soon as they got married. My parents knew their lawyer and on their first anniversary, we met to talk about them taking Brandon.”

She didn’t remember much about that meeting except Pete and Abbey had both been incredibly nice and understanding. She’d instantly felt comfortable with the young couple and knew they were the ones. But she hadn’t been willing to be a part of their family, no matter how many invitations they issued. She couldn’t allow herself—it was her punishment.

“Here’s how I look at it,” Josh said. “Pete and Abbey both want tons of kids. You gave them their first. Why would I think that was anything but totally cool?”

Despite the rush of emotion she had flowing through her body at the moment, she smiled. “Totally cool?”

He grinned. “You can pick another phrase if you want.”

“No, that one works.” She reached for her napkin and began to pleat it. “Okay, here’s another question. Why are they being so nice about this? It’s been nearly thirteen years. After all this time, I finally want to meet Brandon. Aren’t they scared I’m going to do something horrible? Like take him back or try to become the most important person in his life?”

“Are you?”

“No, but they don’t know that.”

He sipped his coffee. “Yeah, they do.”

Because they were nice, Crissy thought, again remembering that first meeting with the couple. While she appreciated nice, in these circumstances, she wasn’t sure she trusted it.

“I want to meet Brandon.” She said the words for the first time in her life. She’d e-mailed them to Abbey, but she’d never actually said them aloud before. “I want to get to know him. But not in an intense way. Something easy and casual.”

“That can be arranged.”

“I’m not prepared to tell him who I am,” Crissy continued. That decision was a whole lot more about Brandon than her. While he knew he was adopted and had a birth mother somewhere in the world, knowing and meeting were two different propositions. He was only a kid. They should get to know each other before getting into issues.

“Abbey told me how you felt and why. We all agree with your logic.” He leaned toward her. “Crissy, it’s okay. Pete and Abbey have been hoping you’d want to get to know Brandon. They feel having his birth mother in his life will give him a connection with his heritage.”

“His heritage? Great. Now I feel like a building.”

Josh chuckled. It was a low, warm sound that eased her tension.

“You don’t look anything like a building. Trust me,” he said.

The funny part was, she wanted to. There was something about Josh Daniels that made her think maybe, just maybe, everything was going to work out.

“I have this nagging sense of punishment,” she said, without meaning to say that aloud. “That I should be, or will be.”

“Because you want to meet the child you gave up for adoption?”

“Sort of.” The feeling was more vague than that. More impending doom than actual event. “Like I don’t deserve a second chance when it comes to this.”

Josh studied her. “I’m not a psychologist,” he began.

Despite everything, Crissy smiled. “Oh, no. That statement is usually followed by the word ‘but’ and some advice or opinion.”

“You think you know everything.”

“I actually know a lot.”

He sipped his coffee. “I’m not a professional, but...”

“See?”

He ignored her. “But it seems to me the only person intent on judging and punishing is you. Maybe it’s time to move on.”

Sensible advice. Advice she should take.

“So who are you?” she asked. “I know you’re Pete’s brother, but what do you do with your day?”

“I’m a doctor. Pediatric oncologist.”

It took a second for her to make the connection. “Kids with cancer?”

He nodded. “I take the tough cases—the ones no one else will deal with. I spend my day searching for miracles.”

She’d thought Pete and Abbey were too good to be true. Apparently it was a family trait.

“That has to be hard,” she said.

He shrugged. “The success rates aren’t as high as any of us would like, but I’m determined to give those kids and their families hope. Sometimes hope is all they have.”

There was compassion in his expression and his voice, which probably explained why it was so easy for him not to worry about what she’d done. In his world, giving away a healthy baby to a loving couple delighted to start their family wasn’t even a blip on the radar screen.

Maybe she should look at her situation from his perspective.

* * *

CRISSY WASN’T WHAT Josh had expected. Intellectually he’d known she had to be close to thirty, but in his mind, he’d half expected a frightened teenager to show up. But if Brandon had grown from a baby to a happy, athletic twelve-year-old it made sense his birth mother had also changed.

He knew the basics about Crissy—that she came from a good family, had a college education, wasn’t married and that she deposited money into Brandon’s college fund every year on his birthday. Although Pete and Abbey had encouraged her to become a part of the family, she’d never been willing to take that step. Until now.

He’d always thought of her as “the birth mother.” Never as her own person. Until meeting her, he’d never considered that there was someone in the world who had Brandon’s eyes or his smile.

“I see you in him,” he said.

“In a good way or a bad way?”

“A good way.”

She smiled and while he was reminded of his nephew, he also saw Crissy. She was pretty, with short, shiny hair and big eyes. There was something about the way she moved, something sensual and...

He slammed on the mental brakes and backtracked. Sensual? Since when did he notice things like that?

“Abbey says he’s really good at sports,” Crissy said. “His dad played football in high school and ran track. I went out for nearly every sport I could. I went to college on a softball scholarship. I thought I was tough.”

He grinned. “I’m sure you were.”

“Does that intimidate you?”

“I’m shaking so hard, I can’t stand.”

“I don’t believe that, but thanks for pretending.”

“Abbey mentioned you own your own business. I don’t think she told me what it was.”

“Gyms for women. I have six now. They’re all over this area.”

“Impressive.”

It explained the body he’d noticed when she’d walked in. She wasn’t tall, but she looked fit, with curves in all the right places. He eyed her sweater and had a sudden desire to see her in tight workout clothes.

Which meant what? After four years of being alone, he was finally coming back to life?

Pete had spent the past two years bugging him to start dating, to get out and have fun. Josh had hidden behind his impossible work schedule. The thought of getting involved still seemed unfeasible, but maybe something casual wasn’t out of the question.

“Are you ready to take the next step with Brandon?” he asked Crissy.

She shivered. “No, but I’ll never be ready. I think I just have to leap in and hope for the best.”

“Pete and Abbey just got word that their adoption of their new baby, Hope, is final. There’s going to be a big party to celebrate. Lots of friends and family. You could blend in with the crowd.”

Crissy swallowed. “That sounds like a plan. When’s the party?”

“Saturday at three.”

She pressed a hand to her chest. “I may start hyperventilating. Does one bring a present to an adoption party?”

“It’s not required.”

“But if I want to?”

“Abbey’s registered at a baby store.” He gave her the name.

Crissy’s expression turned wistful. “I love baby stuff. Those little dresses and frilly socks. They’re so cute. Probably not to you.”

“Not really my thing.”

“So what is your thing? What do you do for fun?”

Interesting question. Four years ago, he’d had a list. He and Stacey, his late wife, had enjoyed anything outdoors, when her health permitted. She’d loved cooking and gardening. They’d also been studying Italian together, in anticipation of a trip to Venice they never got to make.

“Work keeps me busy,” he said. “What about you?”

“A lot of work, too,” she said. “Running a business is always a challenge, but I like it. Living out here in Riverside means we’re close to a lot of outdoor stuff. I hike a lot in the mountains, and I ski in the winter. Downhill and cross-country. I’m a hideous knitter, but I keep trying because my friends love it. But I’m so awful, I had to give the owner of the store a free membership to one of my gyms just to stay in the class.”

He laughed.

“I’m not kidding,” she protested. “I swear, I have the antiknitting gene. Yarn hates me. I’ve seen a petition going around the shelves. If enough yarn signs, I’ll be forced to stop taking classes.”

He liked her. He knew that’s what Abbey would ask first. If he’d liked her.

Crissy drew in a breath. “Okay, so we’re set, right? I’m coming to the party on Saturday. You’re sure it’s okay? No one will mind?”

He reached across the table and put his hand on hers. He’d meant the gesture as one of comfort and was surprised to feel an almost electric jolt of energy jump between them.

“You’ll be fine,” he said, ignoring the sensation and removing his hand more quickly than he’d planned.

“You don’t actually know that. I suppose what with you being a doctor and all, you think you have an edge on stating that opinion, but you can’t be totally sure.”

He grinned. “Deep breaths.”

“Not going to help.”

She collected her purse and stood. He rose as well and tossed five dollars on the table to cover the coffee and tip.

“I’ll be there,” she said. “At three. Maybe ten after. Give other people time to arrive.”

He pulled a business card out of his wallet, then wrote on the back. “My cell number,” he said. “Call me when you’re five minutes away and I’ll meet you out front. You won’t have to go in by yourself.”

Her eyes brightened with gratitude. “That would be great. Plus, if the nerves get to be too much and I start vomiting uncontrollably, you can probably prescribe something, right?”

He laughed. “If necessary.”

“Okay. Thanks, Josh. You’ve been great.”

They stared at each other for a second, then she turned and walked away. He stayed where he was, watching her move through the diner, appreciating the sway of her hips and the swinging movement of her sleek hair.

Being alive suddenly didn’t feel so bad.

* * *

“DID YOU LIKE HER?” Abbey asked the second Josh walked into the house. “I’ve always liked her. I think she’s great, but what did you think?”

Josh bent down and kissed his sister-in-law on the cheek. “I liked her.”

“Really?”

“I swear.”

“Good.” Abbey beamed at Pete. “He liked her.”

“I heard.”

Abbey had loosely pinned up her long, blond hair. The free ends bounced as she spun and hurried into the kitchen, waving for him to follow her.

“A couple of my friends are being protective about Crissy wanting to meet Brandon. They’re afraid she’s going to make trouble.” Abbey opened the oven, then pulled out two freshly baked loaves of bread.

His mouth watered. Abbey had a lot of great qualities, and he’d always put her baking near the top of the list.

“She’s looking for a connection,” he said.

“That’s what I said. All these years we’ve invited her to be a part of the family, but she’s always held back.” Abbey set the pans on cooling racks, then turned to him. “She has family, but they don’t live around here. I’ve always wondered if she’s lonely.”

Pete sighed, then put his arm around his wife’s shoulders. “Stop rescuing the world. Crissy is a very successful businesswoman. She doesn’t need you messing in her life.”

“I’m not messing. I don’t mess. I’m just saying, she needs us.”

Pete looked at Josh, then rolled his eyes. “Let it go,” he said, with exaggerated patience. “Crissy’s fine.”

“Maybe we could fix her up with someone.”

“She can get her own guy. Don’t you have enough to worry about?”

Josh walked over to the cookie jar on the counter and reached inside. Abbey had made chocolate chip cookies the previous day and the four he’d eaten then hadn’t been close to enough. Now as his brother and sister-in-law continued on with a very familiar argument, he munched on two more.

Pete and Abbey were the kind of couple who had been born for each other. From the first moment they’d met, they’d both known they would be together forever. There hadn’t been any games or questions or even a discussion. They’d started dating their sophomore year of high school and from that first night, had known what their future would be.

“So she’s coming to the party?” Abbey asked anxiously.

“That’s what she said,” Josh told her. “She wants to meet Brandon.”

Abbey smiled. “That’s good. We’re all going to be one big family. She’ll get to know him and relax and then he can know his birth mother.” She turned to Pete. “What about Zeke? He’s single.”

Pete groaned, then glanced at his brother. “Escape while you still can. When she gets like this, she’s impossible to stop.”

* * *

CRISSY WAS GENERALLY a fan of the whole weekend concept, but this time, Saturday had come along way too quickly. She’d spent the morning trying to figure out the right thing to wear to a “Hey, we’re adopting” party. She wanted to make a good impression, but not stand out. Casual, but not too casual. Pretty, but not sexy.

She tried telling herself that Brandon was a twelve-year-old boy. He wouldn’t even notice her. But still, every time she thought about meeting him there were jumping frogs where her stomach should have been.

She finally settled on a pair of tailored jeans, a lightweight fitted sweater and a leather jacket. Boots gave her some height. She fussed with her hair, did her makeup twice and generally spent more time sweating her appearance than she had on any first date in recent memory.

Not that she went on many first dates anymore. She hated them. Dating was miserable enough without dealing with the whole “get to know” first date.

After changing her earrings again, she walked out to the living room where her cat, King Edward, lay in a patch of sun.

“How do I look?” she asked as she turned in a slow circle. “If you were a twelve-year-old boy, would I embarrass you or not?”

King Edward raised his head, blinked twice, then yawned.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought,” she muttered, grabbed her keys and headed out.

In less time than it should have taken, she pulled up in front of a sprawling ranch-style house in a comfy suburban section of Riverside. It was the kind of street where kids rode bikes and neighbors took in packages for each other.

Crissy had to park a nearly half a block away, due to the number of cars. Josh hadn’t been kidding when he’d said it was a big party. All the easier for her to get lost in the crowd, she thought as she climbed out.

She’d taken him up on his offer and phoned when she’d been on her way. As she approached, she saw him step out onto the small porch and head toward her.

He was taller than she remembered and oddly enough, better looking. She liked the way he smiled at her and tried to focus on him rather than her reason for being there.

“Nervous?” he asked as she approached.

“Paralyzed. I may start drooling.”

“That will make an impression.”

They stared at each other. He shoved his hands into his jeans pockets and smiled.

“It’s okay. Take a breath. You’ll do fine.”

“Something you don’t actually know,” she muttered. “I have a fabulous imagination and I can come up with about three hundred disaster scenarios in less than a minute.”

“Impressive.”

He looked far too amused for her taste. “You could be more sympathetic here. It’s my life on the line.”

“It’s not your life. It’s nothing more than—”

But before he could attempt to convince her of the impossible, the front door banged open and a twelve-year-old boy burst onto the porch.

“Uncle Josh, come on! We’re going to play football and I want you on my team.”

Crissy’s breath caught in her throat. The world seemed to jog slightly to the left. She stared into a face she’d only ever seen in pictures. But this flesh and blood version couldn’t begin to compare to those two-dimensional photos.

She’d seen him in person once before. Nearly thirteen years ago, on a Thursday morning when the nurse had offered her the tiny, wrapped baby to hold.

Crissy remembered she’d refused. She’d pointed to a tearful but elated Abbey.

“That’s his mom,” she’d said, and meant it.

But did she still?

CHAPTER TWO

CRISSY TRIED NOT to stare at Brandon. This was their first meeting and she didn’t want to come off as scary or creepy. But it was hard to act normal when her heart pounded so hard in her chest she was sure even the neighbors could hear it. Fortunately Brandon was far more interested in his game than an adult visitor he didn’t know.

“I’ll be there in a few minutes,” Josh said. “Go ahead and start without me.”

“Not if I want my team to win,” Brandon said.

“Winning isn’t everything.”

“You always say that, but when we play you get mad if we lose.”

Josh chuckled. “It’s a character flaw. I want better for you.”

Brandon rolled his eyes, but he was grinning. “Uncle Josh, you know you want to play. I’ll let you be quarterback.”

“Bribery, huh?”

Crissy stood silent through their conversation. She tried to focus on Josh, but her gaze kept slipping to the tall, skinny boy pleading for victory. Looking at him was surreal—she could see parts of herself and her family in him. A familiar tilt of the head, a similar smile. She’d never thought about finding bits of herself in Brandon.

She was both delighted by the fact and a little disconcerted. The need to run was just as strong as her desire to know more about him. Talk about a series of complications.

Josh stepped close and put his arm around her. As the steady weight settled on her shoulders, she realized she’d been shaking.

“This is Crissy,” he said. “She’s a friend of mine. Crissy, this is Brandon Daniels.”

“Hi,” she said, doing her best to smile normally. “Nice to meet you.”

“You, too,” Brandon said automatically as his gaze shot back to his uncle. “You brought a girl?”

“It happens.”

“It hasn’t ever.” Brandon was obviously intrigued by the idea. “So she’s like your girlfriend?”

Josh didn’t bring women around? Crissy knew he was close to his family, so did the lack of women mean he didn’t date? He was single—she was sure Abbey had told her that. So why the lack of female companionship? On the surface he was practically perfect—good-looking, funny, charming and hey, a doctor. What was there not to like?

“She’s female and a friend,” Josh said easily. “Deal with it.”

Brandon eyed Crissy, then grinned. “Okay.” He moved close and held out his hand. “Nice to meet you.”

Crissy shook hands with her son. A thousand emotions flooded her as their skin touched. This boy had been conceived inside of her, had grown in her body. She’d given birth to him and then walked away. They were strangers and yet as intimately connected as two people could be.

Too much, too soon, she thought as her head began to spin.

She turned to Josh. “You should go play. I’ll be fine.”

“All right!” Brandon rushed to the front door. “You heard her. Come on!”

“You sure?” Josh asked as he stepped back. “I don’t want to leave you alone.”

“She’s fine,” Brandon said. “She can find her way to the kitchen where my mom is.” He backed into the house yelling, “It’s the first door on the left.” There was the sound of running feet followed by a faint, “I got Uncle Josh on my team.”

Josh ushered Crissy into the house. They stepped into a messy but comfortable-looking living room.

“If you’re sure,” he began.

“Go.” She pushed him toward the hallway. “Like Brandon said, I can find my way to the kitchen.”

“Okay. But I’ll be back soon.”

He headed down the hallway. Before following and finding the kitchen, Crissy looked at the pictures on the living room walls. There were dozens, all family photos. Baby pictures of Brandon gave way to snapshots of him at four or five with another baby. The infant grew to a pretty little girl. Then a third child joined the mix.

There were formal portraits and candid shots. Some with Abbey and Pete, some without. But wherever Crissy looked, she saw a connection. Did she have a right to step in the middle of this? Despite Abbey’s constant urgings to get to know Brandon, Crissy felt like an outsider who had the ability to destroy this happy family.

“Something I won’t do,” she whispered to herself, making a vow rather than a statement. She was here to get to know her son, but not at the cost of hurting something wonderful. If anything bad started to happen, she would disappear and never be heard from again.

She walked down the hall and found her way into a large, bright kitchen. There were half a dozen women standing around, talking and laughing.

They looked like the clients who came to her gyms. Suburban moms. Normal women with busy lives. Once again Crissy had the sense of them being a part of something and not being sure if she would ever belong. Then Abbey looked up from the cutting board where she’d been slicing strawberries and saw her.

“You made it,” she said, her voice bright with pleasure. “Everyone, this is Crissy. She’s a friend of Josh’s. Crissy, these are my friends. I’m going to go around the room and tell you everyone’s name, but we don’t expect you to remember them the first time out.”

“Oh, yes, we do,” a pretty redhead said with a laugh. “We’ll quiz you later. Failing will mean dire consequences.”

“Don’t frighten her the first day,” a blonde said. “Save that for her second visit. It builds anticipation.”

“Ignore them,” Abbey told her. “They’re actually very nice.”

Crissy sensed that. She tried to put names with faces, but got hopelessly lost. Part of the problem were the comments about her and Josh.

“I always knew that man was too fabulous to stay single long,” one of the women murmured, almost regretfully. “Someone had to catch him eventually.”

A by-product of the cover story, Crissy thought. By being Josh’s friend, people assumed they were dating. Not that she would mind going out with him sometime. Just not now—when there was so much other stuff going on. Still, she accepted the teasing and continued meeting Abbey’s friends.

When everyone had been introduced, Crissy was offered a choice of beverages, including white wine. She chose iced tea.

“Is the game starting?” Abbey asked, looking out the large bay window with a built-in cushioned bench. “Oh, my. Maybe some supervision is in order.”

Several of the women nodded. “Remember last time when Aaron sprained his ankle?” one of them asked. “I swear, the man still thinks he’s seventeen.”

Abbey’s friends drifted toward the back door, then out into the yard. When it was just the two of them, Abbey smiled at her. “I sort of asked everyone to leave us alone for a little while. So you could get comfortable. I hope that’s okay.”

“It’s fine. This is a lot to take in.” Crissy drew in a breath and tried to focus. “You’re being really nice about all this. You could have refused to let me see Brandon.”

“Why?” Abbey asked, looking genuinely confused. “The more family, the better. It’s important for Brandon to know about his biological family. I’m thrilled you want to be here.”

If their situations were reversed, Crissy wasn’t so sure she would be as welcoming. “You’re an amazing woman.”

“Oh, please. I just want what’s best for Brandon. I think your plan to take it slow is a good one for everyone.” She continued slicing strawberries and then dumped them in a bowl. “I got in touch with Marty.”

It took Crissy a second to connect the name with the football player she’d dated in high school. The one who had been her first time and Brandon’s biological father.

“What did he say?” she asked, wondering if he was interested in Brandon as well. That would be fifteen kinds of weird.

“He’s a lawyer in Boston. He was very polite, but told me that part of his life was finished. He’d signed away all rights to his child so if I thought I could get money out of him, I was sorely mistaken.”

Crissy winced. “That can’t have been fun.”

Abbey shrugged. “Some people are like that—thinking everything is about money. He’s moved on. I’m okay with that.”

“He didn’t have such a big stick up his butt when we were dating in high school,” Crissy said. “At least I don’t remember seeing it.”

Abbey grinned. “I’m sure you would have noticed.”

Just then a pretty girl Crissy recognized from the pictures in the living room raced into the kitchen. “Hi, Mom. Can I have juice?”

“Sure.” Abbey crossed to the refrigerator. “Emma, this is Crissy. She’s a friend of Uncle Josh’s.”

The girl was about eight or nine, tall and skinny, with cartoon princesses on her athletic shoes.

“Hi,” Emma said shyly. “Uncle Josh is really nice.”

“Yes, he is,” Crissy said, appreciating how easy he’d made things for her.

Abbey handed her a juice drink and the girl skipped toward the back door.

“You have your hands full,” Crissy said. “I can’t imagine raising three kids.”

“I started with one, so that helped.” She began pulling bowls of salads out of the refrigerator. “We’ve been lucky. All the kids have been great. Hope, the little one, just turned two, but she’s still a sweetie. Right now she’s down for a nap, but when she gets up you’ll see what I mean. She’s a real people person. Brandon is more athletic. A typical boy. Emma is the quiet one. Her idea of a good time is an afternoon spent reading. I love how different they all are, how their personalities grow with them.”

The counter filled up quickly, so Crissy stepped in and took two large bowls from Abbey. She glanced at the contents.

“Did you make all this?”

Abbey shrugged. “Yes. I’m a bit obsessive about what my family eats. I go for organic and healthy whenever I can, which means I do a lot of cooking. We have a big garden on the side of the house. Brandon and Emma both help me with it. I make our bread and things like cookies and cakes. I’m a real homebody.” She glanced at Crissy. “That probably sounds really boring to a successful businesswoman like you.”

“Not at all,” Crissy told her, trying to remember if she’d ever turned on the oven in her kitchen. “I’m not the least bit domestic. I wouldn’t know where to begin. I’ve never baked anything. I can’t even knit and I’ve been taking classes for months.”

“But you’re good at other things,” Abbey said. “The whole work world. I think about getting a job sometimes. Money is tight, with us just living on Pete’s paycheck. It gets worse when we adopt.”

Crissy frowned. “I don’t understand. If you’ve had Hope for the past two years, why would she cost more when you adopt her?”

“The state pays us to be foster parents. When we adopt, that money goes away.” Abbey wrinkled her nose. “Some of my friends tell me to just keep them as foster kids. They’ll still be ours. But Pete and I want to be sure the babies know they belong to us forever and that no one can ever take them away. When you’re all alone, like Hope and Emma were, that’s important.”

“I had no idea,” Crissy murmured. The only things she knew about the foster care and adoption system were what she’d seen on television or the movies. Not many people would be willing to give up steady income the way Abbey and Pete had, just to make a child feel secure. Especially when money was tight.

They lived in a different world, she thought, wondering if she would be willing to make the same kind of sacrifices. She’d always thought of herself as a basically good person, but when faced with Abbey’s generous heart, she wasn’t as sure about her character.

She glanced out the window and saw the football game in midplay. Brandon ran downfield and Josh tossed him the ball. Brandon leaped up into the air and gracefully caught the spinning ball, landed and dashed for the touchdown. As he crossed the goal line—marked by two lounge chairs—he grinned and did a little dance.

Crissy felt herself smile as she watched the boy. He was so happy and together. She liked his easy confidence and the way he threw himself into the game. She’d been that way about sports, too. In her world, there hadn’t been room for second place. There was either a win or disappointment.

“He’s very special,” Abbey said, coming up to stand next to her. “In so many ways. You gave us a great gift when you allowed us to raise him.”

Crissy felt overwhelmed by emotion. “I’m not here to make trouble. I swear.”

“I know,” Abbey told her. “You can stop worrying about that. I trust you to do the right thing for Brandon. You love him.”

Love her son? Crissy had barely been willing to admit he existed. That wasn’t love. Abbey gave her way too much credit. She didn’t deserve this family’s kindness.

“We’ll take it slow,” Abbey continued. “If things go well, you can tell him who you are.”

“I won’t do that without talking to you first.”

“I appreciate that. Don’t worry. Things have a way of working themselves out.”

“You’re too trusting,” Crissy said. “The world isn’t always a nice place.”

“I’m wrong from time to time, but not often. Pete teases me that God looks out for the very young and the very naive. But he loves me anyway. Family is everything for us. We knew from the start we were going to have to adopt. Brandon was our first blessing.”

“You have three blessings now. How many more are there going to be?”

Abbey’s expression turned impish. “I’m hoping for seven, but don’t tell Pete. He always clutches his chest and moans when I hint at four more.”

Seven children? Seven? On purpose?

“I’m with Pete,” Crissy murmured, unable to imagine what life would be like. Chaos, for sure.

“We’ll see,” Abbey said. “If we’re done adding to our family, I’m happy. But if there are a few more kids who need a good home, then we’ll make room. We’ve been lucky. It’s been harder for Josh.”

There was an opening Crissy couldn’t ignore. “In what way?”

“You know he’s a widower, right?”

Crissy shook her head, shocked at the news. “No. I didn’t know. She must have died very young.”

“Too young. Stacey was barely twenty-seven. Cancer. She’d had it as a child and it went into remission. But she always knew there was a good chance it would come back and it did. She died very quickly, four years ago. Josh was devastated. For a while we wondered if he would make it. But he’s finally getting better. Smiling more. Enjoying life. Dating.”

Crissy tried to take it all in. Josh and Stacey couldn’t have had very long together. She’d never lost anyone close to her and couldn’t imagine how much that would hurt. Talking to him she wouldn’t have guessed he’d been through so much. He was the kind of man who—

She caught Abbey looking at her, a knowing gleam in her eyes. Crissy replayed the conversation. One word stood out. Dating.

“Did you mean me?” she asked and took a step back. “Josh and I aren’t dating. He’s helping me with the whole Brandon thing.”

“He’s smiling,” Abbey told her. “So are you seeing anyone?”

Crissy laughed. “You’re trying to set me up?”

“Why not?”

“Complications. Josh is the last guy I’d want to get involved with.” Their family connection—Brandon—made the situation impossible.

“He’s a great guy,” Abbey said.

“I already guessed that, but no thanks.”

“Don’t you think he’s sexy?”

Involuntarily Crissy felt her attention being pulled to Josh as he ran across the backyard. His body moved with an easy grace and somewhere inside of her body parts sighed in appreciation. “He’s okay.”

“Nothing more?”

“No,” she lied.

“Then I’ll have to find you someone else.”

Great. A matchmaker. “And if I told you I wasn’t interested in romance right now?”

Abbey grinned. “I wouldn’t believe you.”

* * *

AFTER DINNER, CRISSY collected plates and headed for the kitchen. Abbey called out to stop her.

“Crissy, while you’re in the kitchen, would you grab the ice cream for the cupcakes? There are cookie sheets in the freezer with individual scoops in little cups.”

Of course there were, Crissy thought, guessing Abbey took care of every detail.

“No problem,” she said.

“Great. Brandon, honey, would you help Crissy?”

“Sure, Mom.”

Crissy stumbled slightly, caught herself and continued into the house. Apparently Abbey’s need to meddle didn’t stop at romance. It seeped into every corner of life.

Crissy did her best not to panic. In truth, she’d totally avoided having any contact with the boy. She’d watched him play football before dinner and had listened to him chat with his parents’ friends during the meal. She’d been observing rather than participating, wanting to get to know him without him being aware of her.

Now she walked into the kitchen, put the dishes on the table and wondered what she should say. The simple act of starting a conversation seemed impossible. Her brain went blank and her tongue stuck to the roof of her mouth.

Okay, she thought frantically. If talking wasn’t going to happen then she should act. She walked to the refrigerator and opened the freezer door. Then frowned.

“There’s no ice cream.”

“It’s in here,” Brandon said and led the way into a large laundry room that held an upright freezer.

He opened the door and she saw cookie sheets covered with cupcake liners, each filled with a perfect scoop of ice cream.

“Oh, my,” Crissy breathed. “Your mom is so together it’s almost scary.”

Brandon chuckled. “She’s into feeding people. She’s always bringing cakes and cookies and stuff to school.”

“That must make you popular.”

“It helps.” He pulled out one of the trays and handed it to her, then took the second one himself.

“I don’t cook much,” she admitted. “My idea of a home-cooked meal is to stop for a salad on the way home.”

Brandon wrinkled his nose. “Girl food,” he muttered.

What? Girl food? “Hey, you don’t get to think less of me because I’m a girl. I saw you running during the game and I could take you.”

He snorted. “Yeah, right.”

She might not know how to talk to a twelve-year-old boy, but she knew exactly how fast she was when she wanted to be.

“Want to put your attitude to the test?”

He glanced at her boots. “You gonna wear those?”

“Uh-huh.”

“I don’t think so. I’m fast.”

“I’m faster.”

Brandon stopped on the porch and looked at her. “If you think you’re so tough, you can play in the next game. It starts right after dessert.”

“You’re on.”

His eyes widened. “For real?”

“Yes, and when you see how good I am, you’ll bow down and apologize.”

He grinned. “That’s not gonna happen.”

Crissy shook her head. “You are so wrong.”

* * *

THE SUN WAS close to setting, but there were plenty of lights on in Pete’s backyard. Josh collected a beer from a cooler and walked over to one of the lounge chairs by the football game that was just starting. Despite Brandon’s pleading, he’d refused another round. His nephew’s enthusiastic tackle earlier than afternoon had left him bruised and limping.

As he settled down, he saw an unexpected addition to the lineup. His gaze narrowed in on a perfect backside sticking out during the huddle. Crissy? Playing football? He looked down at the ground. In those boots?

It didn’t seem possible, but when they clapped and broke, she headed for the front line. Pete was across from her. She grinned.

“You’re not going to stop me,” she told him.

“That’s what you think.”

Crissy laughed, then turned and watched as the ball was snapped. Seconds later, she was flying down the field.

Pete and Abbey had bought the rambling old house because it had plenty of bedrooms for all the kids they wanted and because the yard was massive. They’d been determined to have the place all the kids in the neighborhood wanted to play. So there was plenty of room for Crissy to sprint downfield.

Despite what had to be three-inch heels on her boots, she moved with a speed that stunned the hell out of him. Brandon, normally the fastest guy on the field, couldn’t keep up.

She suddenly stopped, turned and caught the ball, then raced between the goal line markers. She spiked the ball, then crossed to Brandon.

“You were saying?” she asked.

“You’re totally bad,” the boy breathed. “That was awesome. Even if you’re a girl.”

“So maybe now you’ll stop underestimating what girls can do.”

“I guess.”

He looked stunned. Josh had to admit he was right there with him. He’d known that Crissy owned a couple of gyms and it made sense that she worked out, but he’d never guessed she could play like this. What would she be able to do in athletic shoes?

He told himself he could never go jogging with her. She would leave him gasping in the dust.

The two teams lined up again. This time Pete’s team had the ball. They used a running play. Crissy was right there with Pete as he raced up field with the ball.

She was soon level with him, then she calmly reached over and plucked the ball from his grasp. He was so shocked by her action that he actually let go. Seconds later, she was running back the way she’d come. It was over in an instant. She crossed the goal line again.

Brandon yelled and ran over. They high-fived each other.

“Girls rule,” she said.

“I guess,” Brandon muttered.

Abbey settled in the seat next to Josh’s. “I feel vindicated,” she said. “We need more Crissys in the world.”

“I’m thinking one is all we can handle.”

“You know she’d kick your butt out there.”

“I do, but you don’t have to be so happy about it.”

“Female solidarity.” She leaned back in the chair. “It’s going well.”

He nodded. “Maybe it’s going to work out. You all deserve that.”

“Does the ‘you all’ include Crissy?”

“I’m not sure.”

“You need to trust her. Pete and I do.”

She and Pete had always been dreamers, believing the best in everyone. Josh had offered to act as go-between in this situation mostly to get to know Crissy so he could step in and prevent any trouble. Someone had to watch out for his brother and sister-in-law. But so far, he liked what he saw. Crissy hadn’t tried to push her way into anything. She’d held back and observed. Maybe things would work out.

“She’s not married,” Abbey said.

He groaned. “Get off of me.”

“Why? She’s lovely. You can’t tell me you can look at her and not notice that? She’s so physical and smart. It’s an irresistible combination.”

He grunted because what was there to say? Yes, he’d noticed Crissy. She was all his sister-in-law said, plus sexy enough to make even his dormant body notice. But noticing was a long way from acting.

“You can’t live like a monk forever.”

“I won’t,” he said, even though he had no plans to change his current status.

“She’s right there. Ripe for the taking.”

He turned to Abbey and raised his eyebrows. “Are you serious? Ripe for the taking? Who talks like that?”

“I do. You need a woman.”

This was a conversation he did not want to be having. “So you’re suggesting I use Brandon’s birth mother for sex?”

“You have to start somewhere and she’s family.”

“All the more reason to avoid her. Sleeping with Crissy isn’t a complication any of us need.”

“Fine. Sleep with someone else, I don’t care. But you have to do something. Have you even been with anyone since Stacey died?”

There was no point in answering the question—they both knew the truth.

Josh didn’t know how to explain that he wasn’t interested in being with anyone. He hadn’t been avoiding intimacy—he hadn’t been tempted enough to bother. He had a feeling that part of him had died with his wife.

“I’m not asking you to risk your heart,” Abbey said. “Just give the equipment a test drive. You might like it. You used to like it.”

“I will not discuss my sex life with you.”

“You don’t have a sex life, or any life. That’s my point.” She turned to face him. “Josh, please. It’s been long enough. You can’t stay emotionally buried forever.”

But that’s exactly what he wanted. A life without emotion, without feeling. Because falling in love and then losing Stacey had nearly killed him. He wasn’t willing to risk that again. Not for anyone.

CHAPTER THREE

CRISSY MADE IT a point to leave with the first rush of guests. She didn’t want to linger and create a potentially awkward situation. So far the visit had been easy and fun, which was a definite plus. Why mess with that?

She collected her jacket and her purse, then found Abbey in the kitchen. “Do you go into the other rooms of the house?” Crissy asked, her voice teasing. “Or is it just this one?”

“Only the kitchen,” Abbey told her with a smile. “I sleep in the broom closet.”

Pete strolled into the room. “Are you leaving? Thanks for coming. Things went well.”

“I agree. You’ve both been great.”

“We’re happy to have you hang around,” Abbey said. “What do you want the next step to be?”

Crissy didn’t have a clue. “Can I get back to you on that?” she asked.

“Sure. Call me and we’ll talk.”

Crissy nodded and headed for the front door. She paused when someone touched her arm.

“Leaving?” Josh asked.

“Yes. But I wanted to thank you for all your help.”

“Come on. I’ll walk you out.”

They moved into the night and headed for her car.

“Nice wheels,” he said, nodding at her BMW 330i.

“An indulgence,” she admitted. “I paid off two of my business bank loans and celebrated with some serious shopping.”

“A car, not shoes?”

“I’m not your typical female.”

“So I noticed. You play football.”

She laughed. “I can hold my own. I’m fast. Tackling would be more of a problem. I lack the body mass to do any damage.”

His gaze never left her face, but she had the oddest sense that he was checking her out. Which was crazy. Josh was acting as a mediator, nothing more. Besides, she wasn’t looking to get involved with Brandon’s uncle.

“Today went well,” he said.

They stood in the dark, Crissy leaning against her car, Josh standing in front of her, his hands in his jeans pockets.

“It did.” She’d been holding emotions at bay for hours and refused to give in to them now. “I was terrified, but it was okay. Brandon’s amazing. Pete and Abbey have done a great job with him. With all the kids. They’re an inspiration.”

“Maybe they started with a good gene pool.”

She shook her head. “I’m not taking any credit for that boy’s personality. I don’t deserve it.”

“Still beating yourself up?”

“Regularly. I do it for exercise.”

“You shouldn’t.”

“Easy to say,” she told him. “Harder to do. I don’t know what to think when I look at him. Is there connection? Should there be? Am I messing with his world? I’m so far out of my comfort zone, I don’t know where to begin.”

“You talked to him,” Josh said. “How did it go?”

“Good. We talked sports mostly. I like him. I never thought about liking or not liking, but I do.”

“Did you want to tell him who you were?”

If the car hadn’t been right behind her, she would have taken a step back. “No. I don’t know that I ever will. It’s too soon. The situation is...complicated.”

Whatever everyone else might say, she still wasn’t sure she deserved to get to know Brandon. Adding to the mix was her desire to not hurt him or his family. The easiest thing would have been to stay away, but for some reason, she’d been unable to do that. Which left her an emotional mess.

Feelings welled up inside of her. She tried to ignore them, but when she had the unexpected and overwhelming urge to throw herself at Josh and ask him to make it all better, she knew it was time to leave. She didn’t have breakdowns and if she was about to start, she would prefer they be in private.

“Thanks again,” she said. “I appreciate your help.”

“I was happy to be here. You have my number. Call me if you want to talk about any of this.”

Exactly what Abbey had said, but somehow Josh’s invitation was inherently more intriguing.

“Okay, I will,” she said, even though she knew she wouldn’t.

* * *

CRISSY MANAGED TO park in her garage and made it all the way to her kitchen before the first tears fell.

“This is stupid,” she said aloud. “I don’t cry.”

She hadn’t in years. So why start now?

Logically she knew there were any number of reasons, the first of which was meeting Brandon. She glanced at the clock on the cable box, then added three hours. It was too late to phone her parents in Florida. Too bad, because she could have used hearing a friendly voice.

She pulled out the bottle of white wine she’d opened the night before and poured herself a glass, then left it on the counter and walked into the room she used as her home office.

Ignoring her computer and the comfy sofa she’d put on the opposite wall, she crossed to the closet in the corner and pulled open the door. Inside were her off-season clothes, several boxes of financial records and a shelf full of clear plastic containers. She pulled off the one that held all her odds and ends from high school and sat on the floor.

The top came off easily. Crissy began digging through prom pictures, yearbooks and hundreds of photos of her with friends. At the bottom, she found an old envelope containing only a few pictures. They were all of her while she was pregnant and there was a single photo of Brandon, right after he’d been born.

She spread the pictures out on the floor and gave in to the tears. She looked so young, she thought as she touched a photo of herself in a hideous pink maternity blouse. Young and scared, yet determined. Determined not to let the consequences of a single night ruin her life.

She knew that’s what she couldn’t forgive. That she’d never agonized over the decision. She’d simply decided to get rid of the “problem” as quickly and easily as possible. That meant finding a nice couple to adopt her baby.

She hadn’t even tried to make it work. Hadn’t considered upsetting her careful plans. What did that say about her? She’d given away her child and for twelve years, hadn’t looked back.

Shouldn’t she have been devastated? Shouldn’t she have worried about him? Wondered? Missed him? There were—

Someone knocked on her front door. Crissy wiped her face and stood. As she walked into the hallway, she pulled the office door shut behind her. She wasn’t expecting anyone and it seemed too late for kids selling candy for school.

She glanced out the peephole in the door and blinked when she saw Josh on her doorstep.

Great. After her meltdown she would look red and blotchy. There was no way to disguise the fact that she’d been crying.

She opened the door and tried to smile. “This is a surprise,” she said. “Is everything all right?”

“That’s my question,” he told her. “I wanted to check on you. How are you doing?”

“Great.”

“Liar. Can I come in?”

She stepped back to let him enter the house, then closed the door behind him.

“Can I get you something?” she asked. “I have an open bottle of wine.”

“Sounds good.”

She went into the kitchen and poured a second glass for Josh, then collected the one she’d ignored earlier and carried both back to the living room.

Josh stood by the fireplace. He took the glass of wine, then looked around. “Nice place.”

“Thanks. It’s kind of big for one person, but I like the high ceilings and the open floor plan.” She pressed her lips together. Chances are Josh wasn’t here to talk about her house.

She motioned to the sofa. “Have a seat.”

When he was settled, she curled up in the corner and faced him. “I’m fine,” she told him.

“That wouldn’t be my professional opinion. Meeting Brandon is a big deal. It makes sense that you have a reaction to all that’s going on.”

“Is that what it is?” she murmured, then put her wine on the coffee table. “I feel guilty. That’s the bottom line in all this. I feel stupid and unworthy. He’s a great kid. I like him. But until recently, I never thought about him as a real person. I don’t even know what I’m upset about. Am I mourning what I never had? But I never wanted it. I don’t know if I want to be part of his world, or even if I should be. I don’t know how to get over the fact that I was lazy.”

“You were young. There’s a difference.”

“There might be a difference, but it’s not an excuse.”

He sipped his wine. “I remember when Abbey told me they were adopting Brandon. I was still in medical school, studying all the time. I went by their house the first day they brought him home. I’d never been around babies before—not without my mom to handle things. He was so small. Both Pete and I were terrified. It was the only time I questioned being a doctor.”

That made her smile. “Because you couldn’t handle one little baby?”

“Yeah.” Humor brightened his dark green eyes. “But not Abbey. She was a natural. Loving, attentive and fearless. She could handle everything from cutting those tiny nails to treating a spiking fever. Pete learned because he had to, but for Abbey it was only joy. Sometimes I think she’s doing what she was born to do.”

“Abbey’s a great mom,” Crissy said, remembering the homemade everything and the ice cream scoops in the individual paper cups. “I agree it’s her calling.”

“So it was a cruel twist of fate that took away her ability to have children of her own. She’d only ever wanted to be a mom. You enabled that to happen.”

Crissy knew in her head he was telling the truth, but in her heart, she didn’t think she should get off so easily.

“Marty was my first serious boyfriend,” she said. “Back in high school. He played football and was really popular. I had a lot of friends, too, even though I played sports. So uncool for a girl.”

“I’ll bet you did well.”

“I did. I was fast and coordinated and I worked hard. I had a plan. Softball scholarship to pay for my college, then a high-powered career in finance.” She shrugged. “At least the scholarship part came true. I had a full ride. The day I got the letter I finally admitted to myself what I’d been avoiding for weeks. That I was pregnant.”

She looked away, remembering that day. How she’d curled up on her bed and wished the baby away—something she’d done ever since she’d begun to suspect that having sex with Marty and not using protection had been a dumb idea.

“Marty was as shocked as I was,” she told Josh. “We were each other’s first time and stupid about birth control. He panicked, saying he didn’t want a baby. Not for a long time. I didn’t, either. I had a future and it didn’t include being a single mom.”

“You were only seventeen. That would have been a hard road.”

“I talked to my parents and told them what had happened. They offered to do whatever they could to support me. I could live at home and go to community college. Mom would babysit while I was in class. They made it sound so reasonable.”

“But you didn’t want that.”

She shook her head. “I wanted out. Marty signed the paperwork releasing him from responsibility as soon as he could and I started looking for a couple to adopt the baby.”

“What’s wrong with that?” he asked. “Why is that so horrible?”

“I don’t know. It just is. I feel guilty about not feeling guilty enough.”

“That has to sound crazy, even to you.”

Despite everything, she smiled. “I’ll admit it does. I just feel horrible about not caring enough. Not suffering enough.”

“Because you would be a better person if you’d been emotionally crushed?”

“Maybe.”

“You don’t regret the decision, just your lack of remorse?”

Crissy hesitated. Did she regret giving up Brandon?

She searched her heart. “Pretty much,” she admitted. “I’m not like Abbey.”

“No one’s asking you to be.”

“But she’s so great with the kids. She has all those domestic abilities. I don’t. I have no natural female talents.”

From where he was sitting, Josh thought she had a few. More than a few. But she wouldn’t want to hear about him finding her sexy.

Her vulnerability drew him in, mostly because he sensed she was normally confident and in charge of her life. She was a successful businesswoman who had one weakness—her inability to forgive herself.

“We’re not living in the 1800s,” he told her. “Women don’t have a single role. Everyone gets to make choices. You gave your baby to a couple who desperately wanted him. Where’s the bad in that?”

“Oh, sure. Use logic. I’m talking about my irrational side here. I want to wallow in guilt and shame.”

“What is there to be ashamed of? Having Abbey and Pete raise your son?”

Her gaze narrowed. “I’m not ashamed of that and Brandon isn’t my son. He’s theirs. They are possibly the most perfect parents I’ve ever met and as my parents did a hell of a job, I have fairly high standards. Who the hell do you think you are?”

Temper flashed in her eyes. Color stained her cheek and she was breathing hard. Damn, she looked good. He felt a stirring of pure lust. It had been so long that at first he couldn’t figure out what the heat pouring through him meant. When he did, he nearly grinned. It felt good to be alive. How long had it been since he could say that?

“You think this is funny?” she demanded, rising to her feet.

“Not funny. Just interesting. Anger is more productive than self-pity.”

She glared at him. “I can’t believe it. Are you playing me?”

He put down his wine and stood. “A little. I had no idea there was such a drama queen hiding behind your power suit.”

“Drama queen? I don’t think so.” She moved closer and pointed her index finger at him. “You’re just so typically male. Whenever there’s a situation that makes you uncomfortable or that you can’t handle, you go for the easy putdown. The chick insults. Do you feel more like a man now?”

She breathed fury. He could see she wanted to hit him—or at least throw him out.

“Kind of,” he said with a grin.

Then acting rather than thinking, he grabbed her upper arms, pulled her up against him and kissed her.

He felt her shock and half expected her to push him away. For a moment there was nothing but the warmth of her mouth on his and the heat flaring between them. He braced himself for rejection, but it never came. Instead she tilted her head slightly and kissed him back.

Nothing intimate, he thought, enjoying the softness of her lips as they brushed against his. She shrugged her arms free of his hold and put her hands on his shoulders.

He breathed in the scent of her body. The outdoors, the faint fruitiness of the wine and a feminine sweetness that was unique to her.

He rested the tips of his fingers on her waist and slowly moved to her back. She felt different than Stacey. Shorter, curvier. At the thought of his late wife, he prepared to drown in memories and guilt. But there was nothing inside of him but a growing hunger.

He shifted his hands higher, then slipped one up the back of her neck so he could bury his fingers in her short, silky hair. At the same time she erased the final step that separated them.

Her body pressed against his from shoulders to knees. His first impression was of heat and curves. Her breasts burned against his chest. Every cell of his body cried out for him to touch her. To feel the smooth, soft flesh, to taste her nipples and listen to her moan in pleasure. It had been four years since he’d been with a woman, but he remembered everything he wanted to do. It flashed into his mind, an X-rated movie starring the woman in his arms.

Knowing that wasn’t going to happen, he focused on their kiss. He moved to her jaw and kissed his way to her earlobe. Once there, he drew in the bit of flesh and nibbled until she sighed and her grip on him tightened. Her skin was soft and hot and tempting in ways he’d never imagined. The sound of her breathing filled him with need.

He moved down her neck, going slowly, kissing his way to the open vee of her sweater. Only when he’d felt her heart pounding did he return his attention to her mouth.

She opened for him immediately. He slipped inside and when his tongue touched hers, he felt a jolt clear down to his groin. The wanting grew until it was an inescapable pulsing. He was hard and ready. He wanted her. He wanted to touch and taste every inch of her body. He wanted to make her writhe and scream and come, then he wanted to start at the beginning and do it again.

Crissy drew back slightly and stared at him. Passion darkened her eyes. “Wow,” she whispered. “That was some kiss.”

“I’m glad you liked it.”

“‘Liked’ doesn’t come close.” She moved her hands down his arms, then dropped them to her sides. “I want to blame the wine, but I haven’t had more than a sip.”

“Me, either.”

“So it’s emotional intensity and chemistry?”

He didn’t know what it was. The only thing he was clear on was that his body had come back to life and it felt damn good to be hard.

“It just is,” he told her.

“Very profound for a guy who doesn’t do touchy feely,” she told him.

“I have untapped depths.”

“I can tell.”

He knew he should leave. She’d been through a lot today and probably needed some time to process everything.

He leaned in and kissed her cheek. “You going to be okay?”

“Sure. I’m a little shell-shocked, but I’ll recover.”

“You’ll get used to being around Brandon,” he said.

“I was actually talking about you.”

That made him smile. “Yeah?”

“Oh, yeah. You had me close to screaming ‘take me now, big guy.’”

She had his full attention. “How close?”

“You don’t need to know that.”

But he wanted to know. He wanted her to tell him that he wasn’t the only one interested in the erotic next step.

She pressed her hand to his chest. “You are very unexpected, Josh Daniels. You’re a good man and an amazing kisser. Seriously, you should have a plaque or something.”

He covered her hand with his, then drew her fingers up so that he could kiss them. He pressed his lips to the center of her palm and watched as her eyes dilated.

“I should go,” he murmured against her flesh.

“Yes, you should.”

She didn’t sound exactly convinced.

“Or I could stay.” He hadn’t planned to say that, but as soon as he did, he knew that’s what he wanted. To be with her. Alive for a single night.

She drew in a breath. “Staying would work, too.”

It was all the invitation he needed. He drew her against him and pressed his lips to hers. She melted against him, rubbing her belly against his hardness. The friction felt good—right. He wanted more. He wanted to bury himself inside of her and explode, but that was for later. Right now he had a plan.

He slipped his tongue into her mouth, tasting her. She brushed against him, matching his intensity, circling him, driving him to the edge. He explored her back, then slipped his hands over the curve of her butt. He squeezed and she arched against him.

The movements of the age-old dance returned to him. Slowly he drew up the hem of her sweater, then pulled the garment over her head and tossed it on the coffee table. But instead of going right for her breasts—which was really what he wanted to do—he pressed his mouth against her now bare left wrist.

Using his tongue, his lips and his teeth, he teased, kissed and nibbled his way to the inside of her elbow. There he circled the sensitive spot until she gave a half-giggle, half-moan that made him smile. He repeated the action on her other arm.

When her breathing came in pants he asked, “Which way to the bedroom?”

She took his hand in hers and pulled him down a short hall and into the first door on the right. She touched a switch on the wall. A small lamp on a dressing table came on, illuminating the feminine space.

The room was done in various shades of pink. Light pink on the walls, a deep rose on the bed. It was the most girly space he’d ever seen and a contrast to Crissy’s take-charge personality. He liked seeing this side of her.

“Are you afraid?” she asked as she turned to him. “There are pink ruffles and lots of lace.”

“I can handle it.”

She pulled his shirt out of his jeans and began unbuttoning it. “Yes, but can you handle me?”

“Let’s find out.”

He pushed her hands away, took her in his arms and kissed her. Now when he explored her back, he felt heated bare skin. Even though he skimmed across her bra strap, he ignored it for now. There would be plenty of time for that later.

He urged her backward until she reached the bed. When she was seated, he crouched in front of her and unzipped her boots.

“I can’t believe you played football in these,” he said as he tugged off the high-heeled footwear. “You could have broken a leg. Or worse.”

She smiled. “You’re such a guy. Women can do anything in heels. It’s all a matter of practice and balance.”

He took off her socks next and had to hold in a groan when he saw her painted toenails and a gold toe ring. How many more surprises were there going to be?

The throbbing in his groin increased every time he touched her. As he had her stand so he could unfasten her jeans, his arousal made a strong case for just going for it. He ignored the message and the way she looked in tiny bikini panties, tossed the jeans onto a chair, then drew her onto the bed.

He kicked off his athletic shoes before joining her. Then he stretched out next to her and stared into her eyes.

“You’re so beautiful,” he told her.

“The things men say to get lucky.” She grinned. “But I choose to believe you.”

“You should.”

She was lovely. He let his gaze drift down her body. Her breasts were full and pale, threatening to spill out of her lacy bra. He could see toned muscle under smooth skin. There was a small gold hoop in her belly button that made his mouth go dry. Her legs were long and he had a sudden visceral image of himself between them.

He returned his attention to her face, then bent down and kissed her. At the same time he reached behind her to unfasten her bra. She put a hand on his chest.

“Hey,” she whispered. “You’re not naked. Naked is required.”

“I have some important things I need to do.”

“While I like the sound of that, fair is fair. You see mine, I see yours.”

He chuckled. “I like how you think.”

He stood up and took care of his clothes in a matter of seconds. When he moved next to her, she stroked his chest.

“Nice,” she whispered.

He kissed her and again moved his hand behind her back to her bra. This time she turned slightly to help him. When the hooks were free, she tossed the bra off to the side.

Her breasts were perfect. Full and pretty, with tight coral-colored nipples. He knelt between her legs and bent over so he could cup her breasts in his hands. He closed his eyes and savored the feel of her silky skin, then he brushed his thumbs against the tight tips.

His body did its damnedest to remind him that paradise was only a few inches away. Pressure in his groin increased, but he ignored it. As much as he wanted his own release, he wanted to please Crissy more.

He opened his eyes and watched as he touched her. He slid his hands down her ribs to her belly, where he circled the tiny gold hoop. She opened her eyes and smiled.

“My present to myself when I turned thirty a couple of months ago. A reminder to stay young.”

“Do you really need it?” he asked, as he drew off her panties.

“Probably not.”

He bent over and took her left nipple in his mouth. She tasted sweet. He sucked, then circled her, flicking her with his tongue. She groaned then put her hands on his back. The pressure of her fingers told him what she liked. He licked her skin, then blew on the damp spot. She shivered.

He moved back and forth, giving each breast thorough attention. When her legs stirred restlessly, he kissed his way down her belly.

He slid his hands up and down her thighs. As he nipped at the edge of her belly button, he circled his thumbs closer and closer to her center. At last he eased one thumb through her curls and felt her swollen wetness.

Instantly his arousal pulsed, but he continued to ignore the need as he lowered himself onto the mattress, parted her flesh and pressed his tongue to her center.

She tasted sweet and salty and when she groaned, he nearly joined in. While he ached to be inside of her, he wanted to feel her body responding to his every touch. He wanted to learn what made her tremble and what made her scream. He wanted to be intimately connected, even just for a few minutes.

He explored her feminine center, then focused his attention on that one, most sensitive spot. He circled it, then brushed it with the flat of his tongue. He moved slowly at first, giving her a chance to anticipate the next move. Her hips pulsed in time with his actions, then moved a little faster as if urging him on.

He complied, then slipped a finger deep inside of her. He pressed up, finding her inner pleasure point, then rubbed it in time with his tongue.

She began to breathe faster and faster. Her hips moved and he felt her muscles tighten. There was a moment of stillness, then she lost herself in her orgasm.

Her body shuddered. He felt the waves of contractions tightening around his finger. He continued to caress her with his tongue, lightening his touch but keeping up the speed. It was only when she relaxed that he slowed and finally stopped.

He kissed the top of her thigh, then her belly. She opened her eyes and sighed.

“Score one for the home team,” she whispered.

“I had fun,” he said, almost surprised by the fact. But he’d enjoyed pleasing her. He’d enjoyed everything about making love with her.

His erection pointed out that he would enjoy life a lot more when it was his turn, but he ignored that.

“Fun does not describe what just happened,” Crissy said with a smile. She reached for him. “Come here and I’ll show you what I mean.”

The second she touched him, he nearly lost it. He was shocked by the sudden pressure between his legs and it took every ounce of self-control not to give it up right there. Telling himself it had been a long time didn’t make the situation any more comfortable.

Her touch was sure and erotic. Too erotic. He shifted closer and she guided him inside.

The soft, wet, welcoming heat of her body hardly made things better. He pushed in, filling her, feeling as if he could get lost in her forever.

He’d had big plans of impressing her with his endurance, but that plan turned to dust the second time he thrust in her. She felt too good. He wanted her too much. He pushed in again and again, feeling the pressure build. Then he gave himself up to it, increasing his speed, focusing only on the way she pulled him in and made him never want to leave. Another thrust, then another and he was lost.

CHAPTER FOUR

JOSH WOKE EARLY to light spilling into an unfamiliar bedroom. It took him a second to figure out where he was and remember what had happened the previous night. He lay on his side in Crissy’s bed, his arm around her waist, his face close to her smooth shoulder.

Slowly, so as not to wake her, he rolled onto his back and stared up at the ceiling.

He’d made love with another woman. After he’d met Stacey, he’d known he would be content to be with her—and no one else—for the rest of his life. Yet last night he’d needed with a desperation that still stunned him. There’d been so much heat and wanting. How was that possible?

He braced himself for the flood of inevitable guilt, the sense that he had betrayed the woman of his dreams. Somewhere in the house a grandfather clock ticked off the seconds, then chimed the half hour.

Nothing. Not a flicker of emotion, save the hunger to make love to Crissy again.

He closed his eyes. Now sadness joined the hunger as he recognized his lack of feelings for what they were—healing. In the four years since he’d lost Stacey, without even noticing it was happening, he’d managed to put his emotional psyche back together.

When she’d first died, he wouldn’t have thought it was possible, but apparently the clichés about time healing wounds were true. He’d held on to the sadness, because it was all he had left. He loved Stacey—he would always love her—but he was no longer emotionally immobilized by her passing.

Which meant what? That it was time for him to start living again? Did he want that? Abbey had joked about him taking the equipment for a test drive. He’d done that and more. While he appreciated the fact that he’d moved on, a part of him would always be sad. Now Stacey was that much further away.

The bed shifted. He turned to his left and saw Crissy sitting up. She kept a sheet pulled up to her shoulders and her smile was a little tentative.

“Hi,” she said, then sighed. “This is awkward. I think things will go easier if we just admit that we’re practically family. You’re Brandon’s uncle and I’m his birth mother and if I start to hang around more, then you and I will see each other and that could be tense.”

She paused to take a breath, then continued. “I don’t do this sort of thing. Sleep with guys I barely know. It’s never been my style. It was just a lot of things. The emotion of last night and the fact that you’re incredibly sexy, which technically makes all this your fault. You should probably apologize.”

He put his hands behind his head and gazed up at her. “You want me to apologize for being incredibly sexy?”

She nodded even as her mouth twitched. “Absolutely. It gives you an unfair advantage, which I’m sure you use on a regular basis. Now that I think about you, you owe me way more than an apology. What you did was just plain awful.”

He held in a chuckle. “So you have no blame in this.”

She widened her eyes. “None. I’m the injured party.”

“I see. So the fact that I couldn’t help myself because of how you taste and feel and sound means nothing.”

Color stained her cheeks. “Not at all. You are solely responsible.”

“Uh-huh. I can shift the blame to you in one sentence.”

“Oh, please.” She shook her head. “Not even a chance.”

“Want to bet?”

“Sure.”

“So what are the stakes?” he asked, keeping his voice deliberately low.

She looked innocent as she asked, “What would you like them to be?”

That got his body’s attention. Heat raced south and he was ready for round two. Well, technically round three because they’d made love again in the middle of the night.

Then the sensible part of his brain pointed out that a little perspective wouldn’t be a bad thing.

“Loser cooks breakfast,” he said.

“I can’t cook.”

“Fine. Loser buys breakfast.”

“Deal,” she said. “So make it my fault. You have one sentence, big guy.”

He reached out and covered her hand with his. “I haven’t been with anyone since my wife died four years ago. I’ve been on a couple of dates in the past year, but they were disasters.”

Emotions chased each other across her face. Josh watched as she started to speak, stopped, then just stared at him.

“I don’t know what to say,” she admitted.

“Aside from asking me where I want to have breakfast, there’s nothing to say. I’m not trying to make you uncomfortable, Crissy. I want you to know that I don’t do this sort of thing, either. We both got lost in the moment. Maybe that’s not a bad thing.”

“It’s not,” she whispered and squeezed his fingers. “Thank you for telling me. I’m not going to make a big deal out of anything, I’m just glad you can trust me. You can, you know.”

“I know.”

She was special. There was something about her that drew him in. He wanted to explore possibilities, something he never thought he would consider again.

She looked at him. “Really? Four years. That’s a long time.”

He shrugged. “I was never into empty sex. I like a relationship to go with my intimacy. I got over volume about the time I graduated from college. I know—not the most macho thing to say.”

“The best thing to say,” she told him.

“It’s the truth. I’ve had my work and my family. It’s been enough.”

She smiled. “You’re saying sex is overrated?”

“Not after last night.”

“I’m glad.” She released his hand. “Okay, it’s time to get serious. Because you’re my guest, you can shower first. I’ll go make coffee. Just let me use the bathroom for a second first. How does that sound?”

“Great.” Especially considering there weren’t any clothes close to the bed. Which meant she would be walking across the room naked. He couldn’t wait for the show.

She dropped the sheet, exposing her full breasts, then turned gracefully and slowly moved to the closet. The view was only from the back but he appreciated every curve. His erection throbbed a couple of times as if reminding him that there was still fun to be had.

Josh ignored it and the need to touch her. For now it was enough to feel alive. It had been a very long time since he had.

* * *

CRISSY POURED COFFEE into two mugs. Josh walked in from his shower, barefoot, wearing jeans and his shirt, although the shirt was open. She had a tantalizing view of hard muscles and reddish-brown hair that arrowed down to his waistband as if leading the way to the promised land.

He was a typical guy, she thought as she sat across from him. He looked good in the morning. Too good. She’d washed off her makeup, brushed her teeth and tried to get her hair to look slightly less like a cat’s barfed-up hairball. She’d only been mildly successful.

King Edward strolled into the kitchen. She bent down to pet him, grateful for the distraction.

She wasn’t sure what to do with the information Josh had given her...about her being his first time since Stacey’s death. She didn’t want to make too big a deal of it, but she couldn’t helping thinking it had to be significant in some way. He’d been right about one thing...that single sentence had changed her perspective.

“What are you thinking?” he asked.

“That you’re a complication I wasn’t looking for. If you were just some guy, this would be easier. But you’re Brandon’s uncle.”

“You’ve already panicked about that.”

“I’m not done with the initial panic. I’m torn. I kind of want to keep seeing you.” Assuming he was interested, but she wasn’t going to say that. She was a powerful woman and powerful women assumed they were wanted. “But if things don’t go well, it’s going to make the situation more difficult. So what makes the most sense is to just be friends. We can pretend last night never happened.”

One of his eyebrows rose, but otherwise he didn’t react. “If that’s what you want,” he said.

“It is.” She spoke firmly. “Just friends with short-term memory loss.”

“Okay. That’s what we’ll do.” He sipped his coffee.

Crissy stared at him, trying not to act outraged. That was it? She asked to be friends and he agreed? Shouldn’t he protest or try to convince her? Hadn’t she mattered at all?

He stood. “I should let you start your day.”

What? “Sure. Fine.”

She rose and tightened the tie on her robe, then led the way out of the kitchen. She told herself she should be relieved. Obviously Josh was a whole lot more shallow than she’d imagined. In fact he was practically a jerk. Good to know. Better to learn it now than later. She could simply pretend this had never happened.

She started down the hall toward the front door. Josh grabbed her arm and turned her toward him.

“Wait,” he said, his eyes dark with passion. “About that friend thing. I’m not sure it’s going to work.”

“What? Why not?”

“I have a great memory.”

Then he pulled her close and kissed her.

She was weak enough to go willingly. He felt good and sexy and when she leaned in close, she found out exactly what he had on his mind.

“So about this friend thing,” he murmured against her mouth. “Are you really serious about that?”

She tugged off his shirt and let it fall to the ground. “Apparently not.”

* * *

AN HOUR LATER Crissy found herself right back in the same mess where she’d started. Naked and content, but not sure she’d done the right thing.

“Now what?” she asked as she rolled to face Josh, who looked like a very satisfied predatory male.

“Now you blame me for what just happened.”

She waved her hand. “You’re too sexy, all your fault, let’s move on. This is going to be complicated.”

“Yes, it is.”

“Do you want that?” she asked.

“I don’t not want it.”

She played that one back in her mind. “Okay. So the friends-only thing?”

“Not likely.”

Which left them where? They weren’t dating. She didn’t date. First dates were always disasters and she avoided them on general principle. Of course without a first date, it was tough to have a second or third.

“When it’s over?” she asked. “You’ll still have to see me. Won’t that be uncomfortable?”

“I’m confident we can get through it.”

She wasn’t as sure. “I tend to walk away from my exes,” she admitted.

“I don’t have a lot of history in that department,” he admitted. “Want to see if we can handle it either way?”

Crissy knew she would be a fool to do anything but agree. Josh was a warm, caring, sexy man who wasn’t afraid of falling in love. His four years of celibacy more than proved his devotion. Plus, he was a doctor and that would make her parents very happy.

But were there dangers, too. Playing it by ear was fine while things were going well, but if they ended badly, would that hurt her potential relationship with Brandon? Pete and Abbey might not look kindly on an ex-girlfriend of a beloved family member.

There was also the matter of her heart. Josh was a great guy. But even though he was pretty damned close to perfect, there could be one major flaw—he might still be in love with Stacey. Did she want to risk falling for someone who couldn’t love her back? Was it light-years too early to be having this mental conversation?

Josh sat up. “Okay, you’re taking too long to answer the question. You really do want us to just be friends.”

“It’s not what I want,” she admitted, “but I think it’s the most sensible solution.”

She couldn’t tell what he was thinking. Did it matter? She’d long ago learned the only person who was going to take care of her was her.

He leaned in and kissed her. At the first brush of his lips, she desperately wanted to take it all back and jump back into bed with him. An action simplified by the fact that they were already in bed.

“It’s your call,” he said. “We can be just friends. But I refuse to forget what happened.”

She was neatly torn in two. Part of her applauded her rational, mature decision. The other part snorted in disgust and warned her she would be very sorry to be sleeping alone tonight.

“I won’t forget, either,” she told him, and meant it.

* * *

CRISSY ARRIVED AT her friend Noelle’s house in the early afternoon. She was still tingling from the previous night—and morning—and trying to deal with all the waves of feeling rushing through her.

For the past couple of years, her life had been relatively calm. She worked hard, grew her business, hung out with friends and avoided romantic complications. King Edward, her cat, was enough of a live-in companion. She didn’t need a man.

But in the space of less than twenty-four hours, everything had changed. She’d met Brandon and had slept with Josh. Both events had the potential to put her life into a wild spin. Not that she regretted either.

She walked up to the front door, but before she could knock, Rachel opened it and grinned at her.

“Welcome, my nonpregnant friend, for an afternoon of hormones, swelling and talk about birth and other fluids,” Rachel said with a laugh.

Crissy smiled at her. “You’re trying to scare me off and I refuse to show fear. Besides, your pregnancy is only a rumor. So far I haven’t seen any evidence of a baby.”

Rachel turned sideways and pulled up her loose sweater. Underneath, her jeans were unbuttoned and there was a definite tummy showing.

“It’s a rice grain,” Crissy teased. “Congrats.”

The two women hugged.

“I wouldn’t mind a rice grain,” Rachel said as she shut the door and started toward the family room. “It would be a whole lot easier to pop out than an actual baby.”

“But finding clothes would be tough, and what about the diaper situation?”

“Good point.”

Crissy walked into the family room of the elegant home and saw Noelle half sitting, half lying on the sofa. She was seriously pregnant, her belly swollen to the point of looking painful. But despite her awkward size, she looked beautiful and content.

“Renoir should be here to paint you,” Crissy said as she crossed to her friend, bent down and hugged her. “You look radiant.”

“I feel good,” Noelle said as she patted her belly. Her blue eyes glowed with happiness. “We’re nearly there.”

Rachel carried out a tray with three glasses and a pitcher of iced tea that Crissy assumed was herbal. She sniffed the air and detected the scent of something yummy.

“You didn’t make food, did you?” she asked Noelle. “In your condition?”

“I put frozen food on cookie trays and stuck them in the oven. Hardly hard labor.”

“She’s saving that for later,” Rachel said, her green eyes bright with humor. “Get it? Hard labor.”

“Sometimes you two make me feel old,” Crissy muttered as she dropped her purse on the floor by the chair then walked into the kitchen to bring back the snacks.

She’d known Noelle and Rachel less than two years, but the three of them had become very close. They’d met in a knitting class, randomly choosing the same table. Despite their differences in age and circumstances, or maybe because of them, they’d become close friends.

Nearly nine months ago, Noelle, nineteen and the sheltered daughter of a minister, had given herself to her soldier boyfriend. That single night had left her pregnant. When he was killed in Iraq, she hadn’t known what to do. But rescue had arrived in the form of the boyfriend’s older brother. Devlin Hunter had proposed a temporary marriage of convenience to give the baby a name and Noelle a head start at motherhood. The practical arrangement had quickly turned into a love match.

A few months later Rachel, a conservative kindergarten teacher, had had a wildly unexpected night of passion with an undercover cop. It, too, had produced a pregnancy. Rachel had been more than prepared to be a single mother, but Carter Brockett had other plans. When his family had meddled, they’d pretended to be a couple to throw them off. But the game had turned real and now the two were happily engaged.

Crissy joked that the way her friends had gotten pregnant so easily, she was only going to drink bottled water just in case. Not that she’d had cause for concern. It wasn’t as if sex had been a big part of her life. She hadn’t been with a man in—

She picked up the platter of tiny quiches and mini quesadillas, only to set it back down. Her stomach flipped over, her chest tightened and she felt a distinct tingling in her hands.

She and Josh had made love three times and neither of them had thought to mention or even use protection.

She wasn’t worried about her health. He’d been in a monogamous relationship for years and celibate since then. She knew she was okay, which was all good news. But what about getting pregnant?

“No,” she said aloud. “It couldn’t. Not so fast.”

She glanced at the calendar on the wall and did a quick calculation. It was a little early for her to be in a dangerous time. She was fine. Pregnant? No way.

That decided, she picked up the tray and returned to the family room.

Rachel had taken a seat in one of the overstuffed chairs, leaving the sofa for Crissy and Noelle.

“Does it hurt?” Rachel asked, eyeing Noelle’s stomach. “It has to hurt. I don’t like pain.”

“I feel a little overstuffed,” Noelle admitted. “But in a good way. The baby’s moving all the time now. It’s awe-inspiring to know there’s life inside of me. Of course, sometimes I’m terrified, too.”

“Of being a mother?” Crissy asked.

Noelle nodded.

“Don’t be,” Crissy told her. “You’re a natural. Have been from birth. You’ll do great.”

“I hope so,” Noelle said. She looked at Crissy. “Do you remember much about your pregnancy? Or should I not ask you that?”

She’d told both her friends about her past and her plans to meet Brandon.

“Almost nothing,” Crissy said. “I tried to block it out of my mind at the time. Then when I couldn’t ignore the situation any longer, I just didn’t think about it. I didn’t show much. The doctor said it was because I was so young.” She smiled at Noelle. “Although you’re still a baby, too.”

“I’m growing up fast.”

“Speaking of your pregnancy,” Rachel said. “Tell us everything.”

Crissy stared at her. How had Rachel guessed there might be a problem? That she and Josh could have, maybe, possibly, done a little life creating of their own? Was there a flashing sign over her head?

“Brandon,” Rachel added. “You were going to meet him yesterday? How did it go?”

Relief came quickly. Crissy shook off thoughts of being pregnant. She wasn’t. She would get her period and then she would give herself a stern talking-to on the subject of jumping to conclusions, not to mention the importance of birth control.

“It was good,” she said. “Strange and scary, but good. He’s a great kid. Funny and athletic. Basically a sweetie. I liked him.”

“Is that a surprise?” Noelle asked.

“I don’t know. There’s the whole issue of who I thought he was in theory and who he is in real life.”

“Do you want to get to know him more?” Rachel asked.

“I do. But slowly, and I’m not sure about telling him who I am. Does he really need that information?”

“Would you want to know your birth mom?” Rachel asked. “I would. Family is everything.”

Crissy knew her friend’s past made that statement true for her. But Brandon hadn’t had to discover that the hard way. He’d been surrounded by love from the moment he’d been born.

“I don’t question my decision to give him up,” she said slowly. “But I don’t want to mess up what he has. His parents are amazing. I like Abbey so much. She’s a lot like you,” she told Noelle.

“Then she’s obviously a superior person,” Noelle said with a smile. “I know you’re worried about making a selfish decision, but this isn’t one. Brandon can have both you and Abbey in his life. When it comes to being loved, more is better.”

“I just don’t want to mess up,” Crissy said. “Abbey called this morning and invited me over to lunch one day. Just with her and the kids. Casual. I want to go but...”

“You should.” Rachel grabbed a couple of the quiches. “You have to forgive yourself sometime.”

“Technically I don’t.”

“Rachel’s right,” Noelle said gently. “It’s the only way to get on with your life. You don’t want to be stalled forever.”

Okay, sometimes friends were a pain in the butt, Crissy thought, both appreciative of the caring and slightly uncomfortable with the turn in the conversation.

“Enough about me and my problems,” she said. “What’s new with you two?”

“My mom’s giving me a baby shower,” Noelle said. “I’d really like both of you to come.”

“I’ll be there,” Rachel told her. “I love showers.”

“Me, too,” Crissy said. “The being there part. Showers aren’t my thing, but my love for you is big enough to overlook that.”

“I’m flattered,” Noelle said, then shifted on the sofa. “And while we’re on the topic, I was talking to Dev yesterday and there’s this guy at his office. He runs engineering, which sounds nerdy, but I’ve met him and he’s gorgeous. Funny and smart. And single.”

Crissy held in a groan. “How is that on the topic?”

“It’s not, but I didn’t have a good transition.”

“Thank you, but no. I’m not interested in being set up. I don’t date. I especially don’t first date. And a blind date is a whole new level of dating hell. I’m not going there.”

“But if you don’t start going out, you’ll be alone forever.” Noelle sucked in a breath. “I’m seriously pregnant. You have to do what I say.”

“Not really.”

Noelle looked at Rachel. “Help me.”

“No way. Crissy is the most together person I know. If she wants to stay single, that’s her business. Some women prefer not to be with a man. They’re happy on their own.”

Crissy had been pleased with the support, right up until that last statement. It made her sound like someone who was going to live a scary life of filling rooms with newspapers and cats. Which reminded her she hadn’t taken the Sunday paper out to the recycling bin—and she did own a cat.

“I’m not abnormal,” she muttered. “I like men. It’s dating I object to.”

“When was the last time you went out?” Noelle asked. “Was it even this year? Or last year?”

“Ask the more interesting question,” Rachel teased. “When was the last time you had sex?”

The two women grinned. Crissy didn’t know what to say. This time yesterday, the answer would have been depressing. This morning—not so much.

Rachel picked up her glass of iced tea, then put it down. She stared at Crissy. “Oh my God. What’s going on? You have the weirdest look on your face.”

Crissy touched her cheeks, not sure what she was doing. “Nothing. I’m fine.”

Noelle stared at her. “You’re not fine. You’re blushing. She’s blushing, right?” she asked Rachel.

Rachel leaned forward, peering. “You’ve had sex. Recently. You look smug and guilty.”

“I do not. Nothing happened.”

Rachel flopped back in the chair. “She’s lying.”

“I know. And to women in our condition.” Noelle looked disapproving. “Who is he? Start at the beginning and tell us everything. I have nowhere else I have to be today. I can outwait you.”

Crissy opened her mouth, then closed it. She knew if she told them she wasn’t ready to talk about it, they would both back off. But some part of her wanted their take on the situation.

“It’s Josh,” she said. “Brandon’s uncle. The one I met with first to talk about the whole me-getting-to-know-Brandon thing. He invited me to a party at Abbey and Pete’s house to celebrate the adoption of their new baby. Josh was really sweet and I liked him.”

“Apparently,” Rachel said. “So when did you get naked?”

Crissy ignored her.

“He was really nice to me at the party. I did okay until it was time to leave. Then I felt all these emotions crashing in. I barely got out of there before I lost it.”

Noelle reached out and touched her hand. “I’m sorry you had to go through all that.”

“It’s my own fault,” Crissy said. “I’m the one who’s been avoiding the fact that I have a son. Anyway, I got home and had a good cry and then Josh showed up. He wanted to know if I was okay. We talked and then he kissed me and well, things sort of went from there.”

“How was it?” Rachel asked.

Crissy grinned. “Amazing. Fabulous. That earthquake you felt last night? That was us.”

Noelle sighed. “The only bad part about being this pregnant is that I miss making love with Dev.” She covered her mouth with her fingers. “Oh. Did I say that out loud?”

Rachel laughed. “Yes, and I’m taping this conversation.”

Noelle turned to Crissy. “So this is good, right? You like him, he likes you. All positive.”

“I don’t know. It’s an unusual situation. I’m trying to get to know the child I gave up for adoption. Josh is his uncle. If we get involved and then it ends badly, it will be awkward and uncomfortable for everyone.”

Noelle shook her head. “You aren’t going to keep seeing him, are you?”

“I suggested that we just be friends,” Crissy said. “It makes the most sense. Brandon is my priority. I want to get to know him. Being involved with Josh would only get in the way of that. Josh agrees.”

Neither Noelle nor Crissy looked convinced.

“So you’ll still see him, but only as friends?” Noelle asked.

“We’re not going to date or anything, but I’m sure I’ll run into him.”

What she would never admit to either of them was how much she was looking forward to that.

“You like this plan?” Rachel asked.

“Yes. It’s the right thing to do. For everyone.”

“But you’ve been lovers,” Rachel pointed out. “Taking a step back after that is difficult. I know. Carter and I tried it. And didn’t make it work.”

“This is a totally different situation,” Crissy said. “I’m not pregnant with his baby.”

Her stomach flipped over again, but she ignored the sensation. She wasn’t pregnant. She was fine. Totally and completely fine. She had to be.

“I can handle things,” she insisted. “Josh is great and I’m happy to be friends with him. We get along. Romance isn’t required to enjoy each other’s company. I’m tough.”

Noelle smiled ruefully. “I can’t help thinking being tough isn’t going to help you this time, Crissy.”

CHAPTER FIVE

CRISSY DIDN’T THINK it was a big deal to be nervous for her lunch with Abbey and the kids as long as she didn’t act nervous around them.

Casual, she reminded herself. Abbey had stressed that it was nothing more than a casual lunch. Brandon and Emma were home because it was teacher meeting day at school. They’d spent the morning playing with friends and Crissy was going to stop by and join them for lunch. No biggie, right?

Except she was both terrified and excited. It was a case of nerves plus.

Still, she forced herself to walk calmly to the front and ring the bell. She was braced and prepared. Or so she thought until Brandon opened the door and grinned at her.

“Hey, Crissy,” he said. “I told my friends how good you were at football and they didn’t believe me.” He sighed heavily. “I didn’t bother telling them you were wearing those high heels. That would have made them laugh. They just don’t think a girl can be good at football.”

Her heart stuttered in her chest as she stared into a face that shared features with her own. This was her son. Her baby. Twelve plus years ago, she’d given birth to him. He was alive because of her body. The information was both amazing and hard to believe.

“You know the truth,” she said with a smile. “Sometime I’ll come play with you and we’ll blow them away.”

“Yeah. That’ll show ‘em. Come on. Mom made soup. It’s really good and the hard part is it cooks forever. I’ve been telling her I’m hungry for days, but she says we have to wait until it’s ready.”

She followed him into the kitchen and found Abbey putting what looked like rolls into the oven. But not any kind of store-bought, cook-for-a-few-minutes rolls. These were freshly made or risen or kneaded or whatever it was people did to make bread.

She laughed, then smiled at Abbey. “I just realized I don’t even know how to make bread. I’m totally useless in the kitchen.”

“Bread is nothing. I can show you, if you’d like. The way you work out, kneading would be easy. My hands always get tired.” She put the cookie sheet in the oven, closed the door, then straightened and walked over to give Crissy a hug. “How are you?”

As all three kids were in the room, Crissy only smiled and said, “Good.” No point in admitting her nerves in front of an audience.

“Emma, do you remember Crissy? She was here for Hope’s party.”

Emma, a pretty eight-year-old, looked up from her coloring book and smiled. “Uh-huh. She’s Uncle Josh’s girlfriend. When they get married can I be a flower girl?”

Brandon made a gagging sound, then slumped down at the kitchen table and picked up a handheld video game sitting there. “Uncle Josh isn’t going to get married.”

“How do you know?” Emma asked. “I could wear a princess dress.”

“Yes, you could,” Abbey said, giving Crissy an apologetic shrug. “But Uncle Josh and Crissy are just friends. So there isn’t going to be a wedding.” Her expression turned teasing. “At least not anytime soon. Although it would be very good for Uncle Josh to get married again.”

Emma wrinkled her nose. “You’re talking about Aunt Stacey. I don’t remember her. Sometimes when I look at pictures of her, I can kinda remember, but not now.”

“She was okay,” Brandon said, never looking up from his game. “She didn’t like boys as much as girls.”

Crissy felt miles out of her league with this conversation. She wanted to bolt to the other room, put her hands over her ears and hum loudly until the subject changed. Right up until Brandon’s last comment.

“That’s not true,” Abbey protested. “Aunt Stacey loved you very much.”

Brandon shrugged. “Not really. She was nice and everything, but she always brought Emma ribbons for her hair and ruffly things. She never brought me anything.”

A protective, maternal instinct Crissy hadn’t even known existed welled up inside of her. How dare Stacey ignore Brandon. Sure, girls were easier to relate to when one was female and didn’t have any children of one’s own, but that was no excuse to ignore a wonderful boy like Brandon. Or any boy, for that matter.

“She was more comfortable around girls,” Abbey admitted, “but that doesn’t mean she didn’t care. I’m sure if she knew you wanted ruffly things, she would have brought them for you.”

Brandon looked up, his expression disgusted. “I don’t want girl things. I’m a boy. B-O-Y. Try to remember that.”

“Yes, of course.”

Abbey waved at the kitchen. “So, Crissy, welcome to the madness. What can I get you to drink?”

“Whatever you have that’s easy.”

“How about a diet soda? They’re my guilty pleasure. Some people drink or smoke, I long for diet soda.”

“Sounds great.”

“Juice!”

The imperious command came from the blond toddler in the playpen beside the table.

Abbey turned to the little girl. “Are you thirsty, Hope?”

“Juice!”

Without turning his attention from the game, Brandon reached out and ruffled her hair. The affectionate gesture impressed Crissy and tugged on her heart.

“I’ll get it,” Emma said as she put down her crayon.

While Abbey got two cans of diet soda out of the refrigerator, Emma collected a juice box. Crissy saw from the label that it was organic with no added sugar. Typical, she thought, comforted by Abbey’s consistency.

Crissy settled on one of the bar stools by the island where she wasn’t in the way and didn’t crowd the kids. This was supposed to be a low-key lunch.

“Did Brandon tell you he was bragging about your sports ability?” Abbey asked as she collected an apple, some grapes and a bowl.

“He mentioned his friends didn’t believe a girl could be good at football,” Crissy said. “In high heels, no less.” She turned to Brandon. “I’ve always played sports. In high school, my softball team won the state championship.”

He actually put down his game and looked at her. “Wow. That’s cool. What position?”

“Second base. I was one of the top three hitters, too.”

“Why softball and not baseball?” he asked.

“Girls couldn’t play baseball.”

“That’s stupid.”

“It is.” Abbey sliced the apple into sections. “Either gender should be allowed to play any sport they want.”

“Yeah,” Brandon said. “If they’re good.”

Not wanting to make too big a deal of Brandon, Crissy turned to Emma. “What do you like to study in school?”

The girl looked at her. “I like reading and math. I like it when we study animals.”

“Emma’s great at math,” Abbey said proudly. “She’s working two grades ahead, which is amazing. I was never good at math.”

“I always liked it,” Crissy said. “I majored in finance in college.”

Abbey wrinkled her nose. “Athletic and good in math. Under other circumstances I’m not sure I could like you.”

“So speaks the woman who grows and bakes and does everything perfectly.”

“Not perfectly,” Abbey said with a smile. “But close.”

“Want to see the book I’m reading?” Emma asked.

“I would,” Crissy told her. As Emma ran off, Crissy turned to Brandon. “Do you like to read?”

He glanced up from his game. “Sure, but don’t tell the guys. It’s not cool.”

“Of course not.”

Emma raced back with a book about a girl who discovers she’s a princess.

“Looks like a great story,” Crissy said. “I love princess stories.”

“Me, too.” Emma beamed.

Brandon rolled his eyes.

Abbey put the fruit on the table, then collected Hope and set her in a high chair.

“We read a lot in our family,” she said. “Most evenings we read instead of watching TV. Pete and I read aloud to the kids. It’s fun.”

Brandon put down his game, then crossed to the kitchen sink and washed his hands. When that was done, he collected flatware and napkins.

“We go camping every summer,” he said as he set the table. “The lake where we stay has good fishing. Dad and I go out on a boat and catch stuff. Then Mom cooks it.”

Crissy’s idea of fishing was to pick something off a menu. “So who cleans the fish? Don’t you have to do stuff to it before you can eat it?”

Brandon gave her the smile of a big, macho guy dealing with a frightened little woman. “Dad and I do that. Mom doesn’t want to know about fish guts.”

Abbey shuddered. “You got that right.”

“I don’t fish,” Emma said. “I don’t want to hurt the fish.”

“I’m with you,” Crissy told her. “We used to camp when I was little, but there was no fishing.”

“Where do you think the tuna comes from?” Brandon asked.

“Tuna trees.” Crissy grinned. “It grows right in the can. The tuna orchards are huge. I think they’re in Idaho somewhere.”

“I’ve seen pictures.” Abbey smiled. “Pete loves the outdoors. Both he and Josh head off for a guy weekend a couple of times a year. They come back looking very scruffy. One camping trip a year is enough for me.”

“Next year I get to go with them,” Brandon said proudly. “Just us guys.”

“Very cool.” Crissy sipped her diet cola. “When we went camping it was just Dad and the kids. My mom stayed home. She loved the time to be by herself and relax. She said it was good for my dad to realize how much work raising three kids should be.” She looked at Abbey. “You could take a lesson from that.”

“I don’t know,” Abbey began.

“She won’t stay home,” Brandon said, sounding both pleased and disgusted. “She and Dad can’t be apart that long. They need each other. They’re always kissing and stuff. It’s gross.”

Abbey blushed slightly. “It’s true. We spend so many nights apart because Pete’s at the fire station. When we got married, we vowed we wouldn’t spend any other nights apart, and so far we haven’t.”

Wow—that was nearly as impressive as the freshly baked bread.

“I’m with you on the grossness of parental affection,” Crissy told Brandon. “My parents are still all over each other. It creeps me out. But it also makes me feel good to know they’re in love and want to be together. It makes me feel safe.”

Brandon looked at her. “Yeah,” he said slowly. “Me, too.”

It was one of those perfect moments of connection. She felt he saw her as someone he could like. She felt the same about him. He was more than a good kid—he was a good person. Which made this a very good beginning.

* * *

JOSH STOOD IN front of the all-female gym and wondered if he would be allowed inside. Not that he was here to work out. He’d stopped by to see Crissy.

He’d been unable to stop thinking about her, which was unusual for him. Her claim that they were just friends had given him a reason for his visit. Friends were allowed to stop by and see where each other worked. She was welcome in his office whenever she wanted and he was going to assume he was welcome here. As long as he could get past the front door.

He opened one of the large glass doors and stepped into an open and bright reception area. The space was open, with plenty of natural light. The twenty-something woman behind the curved desk raised her eyebrows.

“Are you picking up someone?” she asked. “I can page her.”

“I’m here to see Crissy Phillips. I’m a friend.”

The woman’s expression turned knowing. “Right. Go on upstairs. Her office is the last one on the left. Tina, her assistant, can show you in.”

He climbed the stairs to the second floor. Below he could see the gym itself, with the modern equipment, along with several exercise classrooms. Three of the four were filled with women working out. Interesting place.

He found Crissy’s office and introduced himself to Tina who waved him in. Then he opened a large wooden door and stepped into a big office that looked more like an executive corner office than a room above a gym.

Crissy had done well, he thought as he took in the windows, the view, the built-ins and the woman herself wearing a headset and pacing between her desk and the bookshelves.

“I’m not reasonable,” she said pleasantly. “It’s not in my job description. What is in my job description is to enforce the contract we signed. I have a delivery date and I expect you to keep it.” She paused. “Uh-huh. I am a ballbuster. You bet. Okay, George. See you next Tuesday.”

Josh watched her move, enjoying the way his body responded to hers. He also realized that he’d missed being around her. Not just for sex but for conversation and company. What did that say about him? About them?

She turned and saw him. Her eyes brightened and she smiled with so much pleasure that he felt like a hero. Damn, how did she do that?

She hung up and pulled off the headset. “You’re a surprise.”

“I was on my way to the hospital,” he said, crossing to her and kissing her cheek. “I had a little time so I thought I’d stop here and see what all the fuss is about.”

“Fuss?” She raised her eyebrows. “You’re calling my life’s work a fuss?”

“What are you going to do about it?”

Her smile returned. “I work out. I could take you.”

“I don’t think so.”

He liked that they were teasing, that she was still comfortable with him.

“Pretty confident, aren’t you?” she asked.

“I am. I heard about your lunch with Brandon. Abbey said it went well.”

“It did.” Crissy motioned for him to take a seat on the brightly colored sofa in the corner. She settled across from him in a chair. “I was terrified, but things went great. He’s a great kid. Funny and charming. I want to take credit, of course, but it’s mostly Abbey and Pete.”

“You get credit for Brandon being smart. Intelligence passes through the mother.”

“Really?” She looked pleased. “Are you just saying that?”

“There have been scientific studies.”

“Cool.” She chuckled. “So all those rich guys who married beautiful women who weren’t the brightest bulbs are going to be disappointed, huh?”

“I doubt they read the study.”

“But brainy women everywhere are celebrating. Brandon reminds me a little of my brother. The way he moves and teases. There’s also some of his father in him, but that’s to be expected. It’s interesting to see the blend of families.”

He leaned back against the sofa. “Assuming you tell him who you are, will your parents want to meet him?”

“They would love to.” Her humor faded. “They were very supportive when I found out I was pregnant. I think on some level they wanted me to keep him. He’s their first grandchild. Both my sister and brother have married and have kids, so there have been others, but they’ve never forgotten him.”

She shrugged. “I can’t complain. They never made me feel guilty. They wanted me to make the best decision.”

“Which you did.”

“Thanks for saying that. I go to the bad place and remind myself I made the easy decision and should be punished for the next hundred and fifty years.”

“You’re the only one talking about that.”

“I know. I need a new theme. It’s just that I have so much and I wonder if I deserve it.”

He glanced around. “Looks to me like you worked your butt off for this. Anyone hand you the business?”

“What? Of course not. My parents helped a little with the initial funding on my first gym, but I paid them back an incredible rate of interest and since then, I’ve handled all the money myself. I’ve done well.”

“So be proud of that and let the rest of it go.”

She looked at him and he felt the intensity of her gaze all the way down to his gut.

“You do go for logic,” she murmured. “I can’t decide if that’s a flaw or not.” She stood. “Come on. I’ll give you a tour of the place and then you can be even more impressed.”

She was already fairly impressive. Smart, beautiful, successful. Great in bed.

Not that he was going to think about that now. He didn’t want to have to worry about everyone knowing what was on his mind as he toured the gym.

She showed him the offices upstairs. This was her primary location, with all the other gyms being handled through this office.

“Obviously we won’t tour the locker rooms,” she said as they walked downstairs. “They’re nice. Very girly. You’d be uncomfortable.”

“On many levels,” he said.

She laughed, then pointed. “Reception. The trainers have that office. There’s a lounge with vending machines. I’ve been approached by a couple of juice bar companies, but I can’t decide if I want to get into that or not.”

She led the way down a short hall that ended at a colorful aquatic mural surrounding glass doors with a view to a bright and cheerful day care center.

“This is what makes me happy,” she said. “When I started my first gym, I wanted to make day care a priority. It took some doing, but we have a center in each of our gyms. There are a couple of unique features. First, any member can use the day care center while we’re open for up to four hours a day. We charge a very nominal fee for that, which means Mom can drop off her kids if she has an unexpected appointment, or needs to run a couple of errands. Or even if she needs some sanity time.”

He frowned. “Aren’t you overrun with kids?”

“Almost never. Our members appreciate the service and don’t take advantage of it in a bad way. It’s something I wanted to do and it’s working. We also have a very high ratio of child-care providers to kids.”

He looked into the center and saw she was right. Most of the kids were one-on-one with an adult.

“The local community colleges and the state college all have child care majors,” she said. “I’m an official member of their program, which means college kids can get their internship credits here. I work with their schedules and they love me. I always have a licensed professional on duty, but the majority of the help is provided by the students. They’re young and energetic and enthused. It’s a win-win for everyone.”

He turned his attention from the day care center to the woman standing next to him. She was nothing like Stacey, which wasn’t good or bad. Just an interesting fact. Two weeks ago, he would have sworn he would never be interested in another woman ever. Now he wasn’t so sure.

“You’re saving the world,” he said.

She laughed. “Oh, please. I’m desperately trying to affect one tiny corner.”

“Which you’re doing.”

“I try. It’s funny. I majored in finance when I was in college and got a job with a money management firm after I graduated. Within the first year, I knew I’d made a desperate mistake. I hated what I did, I missed playing sports and hanging out with my girlfriends all the time. I wanted to be on a team, but not the corporate one I’d signed up for. I was totally miserable.”

She shrugged. “One day a client came in. She had a small gym and wasn’t making it. She wanted to talk to me about filing for bankruptcy. As I listened to her, I felt as if I’d been hit by lightning. I knew I wanted to buy that gym. I believed I could make it successful. I wanted gyms all over Riverside and beyond.”

“Which you made happen.”

She looked at him. “I worked my butt off and it was so worth it. Even when I was scared, I never regretted my decision. Now I have everything I want.” She paused. “Almost everything.”

He wondered what was missing.

“I get buyout offers all the time,” she told him. “I always say no, but I’m willing to admit I love being asked.”

She was vibrant and alive and that energy rubbed off on him. He hated having to check his watch and didn’t like the time when he saw it.

She caught his action. “You have to go.”

“Sorry. I’m meeting a family to discuss treatment options.”

“That can’t be fun.”

He shrugged. “I always hope for a miracle and sometimes I get it.”

“Which makes it a good day.”

“Agreed.” He stared into her eyes and felt that connection again. He wanted her, which also felt good. This living thing had a lot to say for itself. “I want to see you again,” he told her.

She hesitated, then smiled. “I wouldn’t mind being seen.”

“I’ll call.”

“Guys always say that.”

“You think I’m just some guy?” he asked playfully.

“I haven’t decided.”

“You’ll let me know when you do?”

“You’ll be the first.”

* * *

THE DESIGN FOR the dollhouse had looked easy enough, Josh thought as he sanded the edges of the individual roof shingles so Emma wouldn’t get splinters. He and Pete had picked it out together and figured it would take them two, maybe three weekends, tops.

That had been several months ago. Originally planned as Emma’s Christmas present, the brothers were now determined to finish it for her birthday. Or at least before she stopped playing with dolls.

“What did you think of Crissy?” Pete asked as he primed the shutters Josh had sanded in preparation for paint. “Abbey and I both liked her. She did good with all the kids. She was here for lunch with Abbey and the kids a couple of days ago and Abbey said it went well.”

Josh hesitated, not sure what he wanted to admit to his brother. Then he reminded himself that he and Pete had never kept secrets.

“She mentioned that when I stopped by her gym to see her.”

Pete put down his brush and stared. “You stopped by? To talk to her? On purpose?”

“You’re dripping.” Josh pointed to the primer collecting on the end of the bristles.

Pete swore under his breath and grabbed the brush. “You’re seeing her? I know Abbey was pushing something, but I didn’t think you were interested.”

“I wasn’t. I’m not.” He shook his head. Who was he trying to kid? “I might be interested. We’re friends.”

Friends who slept together. If only he could forget that night...and morning...he’d spent with her.

But a part of him didn’t want to forget. A part of him wanted to do it again.

Pete tossed a rag at him. “Where’d you go?”

“What? Just thinking.”

“About Crissy?” Pete sounded shocked and intrigued. “You like her.”

“I think she’s great.”

“So you’re considering dating her?” Pete grinned as he asked the question.

“Maybe.” Did dating describe what he and Crissy were doing? Had done?

“Come on. It’ll be good for you. You need to get out and do something other than work and hang out here.”

Josh picked up another shingle and began sanding it. “Trying to get rid of me?”

“I’m trying to remind you that you’re still alive. I know you loved Stacey and that you want to honor her memory, but barely existing doesn’t honor anyone. You live like a monk or worse. Get out there. Date. Have sex. You’re putting too much pressure on yourself. You weren’t meant to live like this, Josh.”

“So speaks a guy who has had exactly one woman in his life.”

Pete’s expression turned smug. “Why go looking for more when you have the best at home? But we’re not talking about me. We’re talking about you. Use it or lose it, my friend.”

Josh concentrated on the shingle, smoothing the edges and the top. “I did use it. Last week.”

He kept his attention on his work but heard the satisfying splat of the brush hitting the floor, followed by creative swearing.

“What?” Pete demanded. “You did it? With a woman?”

“I’m ignoring you.”

“Seriously. Who—” Pete paused, then swore again. “Crissy?”

Josh finally looked at his older brother and shrugged. As if it wasn’t a big deal and something he hadn’t been able to get out of his mind for more than five minutes at a time.

“I went to her house after the party to make sure she was all right. She wasn’t. One thing led to another.”

Pete looked impressed. “When you cut loose, you do it in a big way.” Then his expression turned serious. “How’d you feel the next morning?”

“Better than I thought I would,” he admitted, remembering how he’d expected guilt and remorse. “I expected to feel like crap and I didn’t. I didn’t plan on healing but it happened anyway.”

“Is that a bad thing?”

“I don’t want to lose Stacey.”

“She’s already gone.”

Josh knew that in his head, but in his gut, he wasn’t so sure. “I thought she’d be a part of me forever. I have the memories, but she’s not inside of me anymore. Every part of me says it’s time to move on, to get a life, but I’m not sure I want to. Or that I should. How can I have let go of Stacey so easily?”

“It’s been four years. That’s not easy.” Pete shook his head. “You loved her and you lost her. That doesn’t mean you can’t get involved again with someone else.”

Josh hadn’t thought in terms of getting involved. He liked Crissy. He enjoyed being with her, in and out of bed. He’d never thought he’d be aroused again, or excited about seeing a woman who wasn’t Stacey. But getting involved? That was a place he didn’t want to go.

“I’m not interested in anything serious,” he said.

“No one’s asking you to marry her,” Pete pointed out. “Date her. Dating can be fun. Enjoy what you have. Remember what it was like not to feel so dead inside. That’s allowed. As to the rest of it, you can make it up as you go.”

Josh eyed his brother. “You’ve been with Abbey since you were fourteen or fifteen. How can you know all this stuff?”

“I’m gifted,” Pete said modestly, then laughed. “The guys at the fire station talk. The single ones talk the most. I listen. You like Crissy. She likes you, which makes me wonder how smart she is, but that’s a different discussion.”

“Thanks,” Josh grumbled, enjoying his brother’s teasing.

“So go for it. Enjoy what you have with her.”

It sounded like a plan, Josh thought. As long as they were both clear on the fact that his relationship with Crissy wasn’t going anywhere. He was willing to like her and want her, but he would never love her. He’d already given his heart once—to Stacey—and he was never going to risk losing it again.

CHAPTER SIX

CRISSY RAN THE cloth ribbon across the back of the sofa. King Edward, her cat, blinked at her as if asking why she didn’t have something better to do with her Saturday afternoon than annoy him.

“You can’t sleep all day long,” she told him.

He slowly closed his eyes as if to prove her wrong.

She stood and paced the length of the living room. She felt restless, which was unusual for her. An afternoon at home was always something she looked forward to. She worked hard at her job during the week and solitary time was precious. Normally she savored a couple of hours spent reading a book or watching a movie she’d missed when it was out in theaters.

But not today. Today she couldn’t seem to settle on anything.

“I should go shopping,” she told herself, but felt no call of the mall. And if she wasn’t compelled by trying on shoes she didn’t need then there really was something wrong with her.

The “what” wasn’t too hard to figure out. Josh and the complications he’d brought into her life.

She’d kind of fooled herself into thinking she was doing a lovely job of ignoring him right up until he’d shown up at her office. Having him in her face had destroyed the illusion.

Now she was left with reality, which wasn’t pretty. She was obsessed with a man possibly still in love with his dead wife. The same man was also the uncle of the child she’d given up for adoption and there was a teeny, tiny chance she might be pregnant with his child.

Any number of TV channels would probably be willing to pay a fortune for the chance to fictionalize her current situation. Not that much fiction would be required. It was kind of dramatic all on its own.

Which did not make for a calm Saturday afternoon.

She crossed to the calendar in the kitchen and studied the date. She would be able to take a pregnancy test in less than two weeks. That wasn’t so long. She could survive that time. And honestly, the odds of the whole sperm-egg encounter were infinitesimal...weren’t they?

The phone rang.

Crissy hated that her first thought/hope was that it was Josh, which made her feel sixteen again. Not really a good thing.

“Hello?”

“Hi, Crissy.”

It was Josh. Heat flooded her body and her chest tightened, making it difficult to breathe, but in a good way.

“I just finished up working on a dollhouse for Emma,” he continued. “Pete and I have been building it for months and we’re down to the painting. We want to have it finished for her birthday.”

“I’m sure she’ll love it.”

Emma seemed very girly, Crissy thought. She would have hated a dollhouse at the same age.

“Me, too,” he said. “At least Pete and I have been spending a lot of time together. That doesn’t always happen.”

“You’re both busy.”

She sank into a kitchen chair and wondered if he had a point to his call. Anticipation kept trying to get out but, as she wasn’t sure if there was anything to anticipate or if this was just a chance to talk, she kept slamming the door.

“I’m calling to invite you to dinner,” he said. “Tonight.”

Anticipation rushed out and started dancing.

She opened, then closed her mouth. What was she supposed to say? Yes made the most sense, but did she want to do this? Date Josh?

She liked him a lot, but there were issues and she’d always found issue-based relationships were nothing but trouble.

“Did I violate the dating code?” he asked.

“What?”

“It’s last minute. I should have called a few days ago. I’m not good at dating. Lack of practice. Not to mention that you don’t want to date me.”

“I never said that.”

“You said we should just be friends. Sort of the same thing.”

“If you’re going to be logical,” she grumbled as she picked up a pen and began doodling on a paper napkin. “It’s not that I don’t like you.”

“Would you be more comfortable going out with me if you disliked me?” he asked.

She smiled. “No. The liking is a good thing.”

“I like you, too.”

Her insides got all warm.

Crissy sucked in a breath. They both knew all the reasons getting involved wasn’t really smart. They’d been over them more than once. But she couldn’t stop thinking about him and apparently he had her on the brain, too. Honestly, how often did she meet a guy she thought was special?

“I’m offering to cook,” he said.

“You know how?”

“I can pull a few things together. Two or three.”

“That’s more than I can do,” she said, smiling. “I’m the takeout queen. But I have lovely dishes. I can make takeout look pretty.”

“Something to be proud of. Are you impressed enough to say yes?”

She wanted to. Desperately. In a way, that kind of scared her. Caring about Josh too much could be dangerous for her reluctant heart. But saying no seemed as if it could hurt more.

“Are we dating?” she asked. “Is this dating?”

“It might be. Although given what happened the other night, probably not a first date.”

She laughed. “Good. I loathe first dates. They’re always so awkward. Let’s never have a first date.”

“You have my word on it.”

She drew in a breath. “What time?”

“Seven.”

“I’ll be there.”

“I’ll look forward to seeing you.”

* * *

CRISSY HAD NO idea what to wear. The dinner was at Josh’s house, which meant more casual was probably better. But jeans seemed too casual, a dress seemed too formal. The weather was clear and in the midsixties—fairly typical for Riverside this time of year. After flipping through every item in her closet three times, she settled on a sweater with a sweetheart neckline and slim black pants.

She went light on the makeup and fluffed her hair. With everything done, she glanced at the clock and realized she had plenty of time to be nervous. Maybe she should leave now and stop at the wine store on her way. She always liked to bring something when she was invited to dinner.

Three minutes after she was due to arrive, she parked in front of Josh’s town house and turned off the engine. Anticipation mingled with apprehension. It was an uneasy mixture at best. She grabbed her purse and the wine she’d bought, then got out of the car and headed for the front door.

He opened the door before she could knock and smiled.

“Thanks for coming,” he said as he stepped back to let her inside.

At the sight of him, the soulful green eyes, the familiar curve of his mouth, the white shirt that covered a chest she remembered really, really well, she felt her knees go weak.

“My pleasure,” she murmured, stepping into the small foyer. “Are you really cooking or is there takeout involved? I’m just asking. I totally respect takeout.”

“I’m cooking.” He shrugged. “Barbecuing, which is almost the same thing.”

She laughed. “Okay. I feel better now. Meat on fire is a traditional male dish. I was afraid you were using pots and pans and sautéing things. That would have been intimidating.”

“I wouldn’t want that.”

She handed him the wine. He took it then leaned in and kissed her. On the mouth.

It was a slow, lingering kiss. He didn’t push. Instead the warm brush of his mouth seemed to...promise good things to come. In the battle of emotions, it appeared anticipation might win.

She put her hand on his shoulder. His strength made her think that maybe it was okay not to be in charge all the time, that this might be a man more interested in being a partner than someone she had to take care of.

The thought was so startling, she stepped back, then fumbled with her purse to buy herself time to recover.

“Where should I put this?” she asked, glancing around the empty foyer.

“There’s a table in the living room.” He put his hand on the small of her back and urged her forward.

What was up with the idea of Josh as a partner? Because he was strong? She didn’t get involved with weak men. Okay, sure, there had been a couple of disasters, but she’d been dating since she was sixteen. In over fifteen years, there were bound to be a few mistakes. But it wasn’t as if she had a pattern of choosing men who were weaker than herself, was it?

“Are you all right?” Josh asked.

“What? Oh. I’m fine. Just thinking about something weird.” She consciously cleared her mind. “I’m totally focused on the moment now. Color me here.”

“Good.”

He led her into a large room that was nearly painful in its sterility. The walls were builder’s white, the carpet a nondescript beige. There was a big TV, a sofa, love seat and several tables with lamps. The furniture coordinated so perfectly she had a bad feeling he’d bought them off the showroom floor of some discount furniture place.

Despite the excess of seating, there was nothing personal in the space. No pictures or plants, no artwork. Not even a magazine.

She set her purse in the corner of the love seat and glanced at the vertical blinds covering the sliding glass door leading out to an enclosed patio. Obviously Josh had moved here after Stacey had died.

“You had a house together, didn’t you?” she asked without thinking.

He frowned. “Yes. How did you...” He looked at the room, then at her. “That obvious?”

“Probably not. I’m especially perceptive. Although a case could be made that the lack of anything personal sort of gives it all away.”

He gave her a smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “You’re right.” He shrugged. “The house was great but after Stacey was gone, I couldn’t stay there. I sold it and gave our furniture to a shelter. It was easier than trying to live there.”

“I’ve never lost anyone,” she admitted. “I don’t know what it’s like to go through that much pain. I didn’t mean to make things worse by mentioning the house.”

He met her gaze. “You didn’t. It was four years ago.”

Was that his way of saying he’d moved on? She wanted to think so, but wasn’t sure.

“Come on,” he said, taking her hand. “You’ll like the kitchen. There’s color in there.”

“How did that happen?”

“Builder error. One of my neighbors special-ordered tile, cabinets and wall color. They put it in here by mistake. As none of it could be easily removed, I decided to live with it.”

They walked into a room done in Mediterranean colors. The tiles were shades of cream with an ocean-blue backsplash. Graduated shades of yellow warmed the walls. The cabinets were a slick, shiny dark red.

When compared with the starkness of the rest of the place, it seemed as if they’d stepped into another house.

“I love it,” she said as she turned slowly to take it all in. “Did the other people get their kitchen redone the way they wanted?”

“Not exactly. When they found out what had happened, they came over to check out my place and decided it was a little too bright for their taste.”

“Fools,” she murmured, then walked over to the cooktop. “Not a single burner in use. I feel more comfortable now.”

“We’re having cold salads with our steaks,” he said.

She opened her eyes wide. “Steaks? Josh, I own gyms. I’m totally into healthy foods. I don’t eat meat.”

His face took on a “damn, I’ve seriously screwed up” expression. Crissy did her best not to look anything but horrified. Then his gaze narrowed.

“You ate hot dogs at the party at Pete’s house,” he said. “I saw you.”

She laughed. “I know. I love steak. I was just trying to mess with your head.”

“It worked.” He put the bottle of wine on the center island and nodded to one of the stools. “My mother would love you.”

“Really? She likes women who torment her sons?”

He began to open the bottle. “She likes smart women who don’t take a lot of crap from men. Interesting considering her father is a general and my father is an executive. His job took us around the world. Pete and I grew up in Europe and Asia. It gave us a different perspective.”

“In what way?”

“Mom has causes. She loves causes. Everything from save the whales to helping women start their own businesses. The cause changed with our location, but not her dedication. We learned early to work to make a difference.”

It might seem strange that two guys who could live anywhere would choose to settle here, Crissy thought. But maybe not. She had a feeling the brothers had deliberately chosen to be close to each other, to stay connected. As for causes, each had chosen a profession designed to save people.

“Where are your parents now?” she asked.

“Italy. It’s their favorite place and they’re considering retiring there.”

“I thought my parents were far away in Florida,” she said. “Do you wish they were closer?”

“Sometimes.” He poured them each a glass of wine, then passed her one. “They’re good people, but not exactly connected as parents. They were always more interested in what they were doing than us.”

Which explained why he and Pete were so close.

“You came back to the U.S. for college?” she asked.

He nodded. “I’d always wanted to. I knew I wanted to be a doctor, so that part was easy. Pete knew what he wanted, too. My parents tried to talk him out of being a firefighter, but he wouldn’t listen.”

“So you’re both stubborn,” she teased.

“Focused.”

“Uh-huh.” She sipped her wine. “So how did you meet Stacey?”

She hadn’t meant to ask the question. It had just slipped out. She half expected Josh to refuse to answer. Instead he leaned against the counter and smiled.

“I was doing rotations. You spend a certain amount of time in different parts of the hospital, learning about each one. I’d asked for pediatrics and ended up in pediatric oncology. I didn’t want to be there. A bunch of dying kids seemed too depressing, but I quickly got there was so much hope on the ward. One day Stacey dropped by to visit some kids.”

He gazed just past her but she had a feeling he was seeing a different time and place. And a different woman.

“She didn’t know anyone in the hospital. She’d just dropped by to visit because she wanted to brighten some kid’s day. She asked the nurse who was getting visited the least and settled in for a long afternoon of talking and playing. The patient was a little girl named Wendy. I walked in on Stacey painting Wendy’s toenails purple.”

There was something in his voice, Crissy realized. A quality of love and respect that made her feel as if she’d accidentally burst in on a private moment.

“They were both laughing. I thought Stacey was her sister. I wanted to talk about Wendy’s condition with a family member. Stacey told me who she was and we ended up going for coffee.” He shook his head. “She was so beautiful. I couldn’t speak in whole sentences without stuttering around her. She was bright and funny. I asked her out and she told me she had six months to live.”

Crissy stiffened. “She was dying?”

“She was joking. She explained she’d had cancer as a kid and it was the kind that usually came back. She teased she could be dead by morning. Or in forty years. But she knew there was a time bomb buried inside of her.”

Crissy wished she hadn’t asked the question. What had she been thinking? Or had she been hoping that there was a massive flaw in Josh’s late wife? Something that would make her believe that he was over Stacey?

“I didn’t care,” he continued. “I wanted whatever time there was. She kept putting me off, but eventually I wore her down. We started dating. When I proposed, we went through the whole thing again. She didn’t want to tie me down to someone who could get sick at any moment. I didn’t want to live without her.”

He glanced at her. “Is this more information than you wanted?”

“No,” she said automatically, even though it was.

Part of the problem wasn’t the words, but how he said them. Love thickened his voice, making her aware that he was still very much in love with his late wife. It also made her wonder if any part of his pursuit of Stacey had been because she was safe. There was a finite quality to their relationship that most people didn’t have. Then she told herself she was searching for demons where they didn’t exist.

“It took nine months of me begging, but she finally agreed to marry me,” he said. “We had almost four years.” He frowned. “She’s been gone longer than we were married. I never thought of it that way before.”

“Did you pick your specialty because of her?”

“She was part of the reason, but mostly it was the kids I met on my rotation. I wanted to save them all. I was arrogant enough to think I could.”

“Were you wrong?”

His eyes darkened. “Sometimes.”

“You keep putting my life in perspective,” she admitted, still uncomfortable with the intensity of the conversation. “I don’t really have the right to complain about anything.”

“Don’t say that. We all deal with stuff. It’s relative. Just because you’re not facing a life-threatening illness doesn’t mean you can’t worry about what’s happening in your life.”

“Is that what you tell yourself?” she asked.

“I try.”

“Does it work?”

“Not when I have a sick kid in my office.”

“You worry about what’s important,” she said. “Maybe that’s a better use of our time. Maybe we should all remember not to sweat the small stuff.”

“I’m not sure those lessons last,” he said, then straightened. “Okay. This isn’t what I’d thought we’d be talking about. Change of topic here. How was traffic?”

She smiled. “There wasn’t any.”

He walked around the island and took her hand. “Come on. I’ll show you my barbecue. It’s big and manly. You’ll be impressed.”

“I’m sure I will be.”

She appreciated that he was trying to lighten the mood. Crissy didn’t want to spend the evening talking about or even thinking about Josh’s late wife. Yet in some ways Stacey was there, with them.

She was the absence of life in the town house, the reason Josh hadn’t been out with a woman in years. She was the ghost who was never far from his thoughts.

What had Stacey been like? A saint? Or just a regular person? How was she, Crissy, different and how was she the same?

As they walked out onto the patio, she wondered what would happen if she really was pregnant. Would Josh want to embrace a new life or was he too deeply stuck in the past?

What about her own feelings? He was a great guy and she sensed a lot of potential between them. But was she willing to trust her heart to someone who might still be in love with someone else?

Brandon was already a complication and a baby would just make things worse.

There wasn’t a baby, she reminded herself. There couldn’t be. As if willing it so would change anything.

* * *

AFTER DINNER THEY moved back into the living room. Josh put on an instrumental CD, then joined Crissy on the sofa. The steaks had turned out well, she’d seemed to like the salad selection he’d provided. So far his first dinner at home was going well.

He’d wondered if the evening would be awkward. Except for Pete helping him install his large television, he hadn’t had anyone over to the place. He barely spent any time there himself. He was usually working long hours or hanging out at Pete and Abbey’s house. The town house was where he slept and kept his clothes. It wasn’t home. He hadn’t had a home since Stacey died.

Stacey. He hadn’t meant to talk about her so much earlier. Despite the potential for disaster, Crissy hadn’t run screaming into the night, so that was something.

Now she tossed her head as she looked around the room. The light caught the colors in her hair and illuminated her beautiful face.

“I can’t stand it,” she said. “You need some stuff in this room.”

“Stuff?”

“Magazines, books, pictures on the wall. A throw.”

“Guys don’t have throws.”

“I could knit you one. Maybe. Probably. Then it would be a gift rather than a decorator piece.”

He liked the idea of her making something for him. “You’ve told me about your knitting ability,” he teased. “Would I know it was a throw?”

She wrinkled her nose. “I’m not that horrible.” She sighed. “Actually I am, so maybe a throw isn’t a good idea. But you need something bright and cheery in this room. Something personal. Although I’m totally the wrong person to be giving advice. Now Noelle has a great house. It’s perfectly decorated. Of course Dev, her husband, used a decorator before he met Noelle. So you need a decorator.”

“No, thanks.”

She leaned toward him. “It’s because you’re afraid, isn’t it?”

“I want to be comfortable in my house.”

“The assumption being you wouldn’t be comfortable?”

“I’m not into little animal statues on coffee tables.”

She laughed. “Me, either. But I love the theory. Noelle has all those female talents. She’s done a great job in the baby’s room. I’ve told you she’s seriously pregnant, right?”

“You mentioned it.”

“She’s going to pop in the next couple of weeks. Her baby shower is tomorrow. I can’t wait. I don’t actually like showers, but I’m compelled to attend them. It’s the delicious food and really fun, if weird, games.”

He’d never been to a shower of any kind. “You play games?”

“Uh-huh. You’d hate them. So girly. And there’s usually a color scheme and the drinks and mints and napkins all match. I’m guessing with Noelle and Dev knowing they’re having a girl, everything will be pink.”

She looked delighted. A baby shower sounded like his idea of hell, but then he wasn’t female.

“Have fun,” he told her.

“We will.”

She smiled at him and something shifted inside him. Something hot and hard and hungry.

It must have shown because her eyebrows raised as she asked, “What are you thinking?”

“Nothing in particular.”

“I find that hard to believe. You must be thinking something.”

Rather than explain, he leaned across the distance between them and kissed her. At the same time, he buried his hand in her hair, letting the soft, silky strands slip through his fingers. She wrapped both her arms around his neck and melted into him.

Her body had started to become familiar to him. He could anticipate the combination of curves and soft skin settling against him. Blood pooled in his groin, making him hard in an instant.

As much as he wanted to take her right there on the sofa, he enjoyed the waiting nearly as much. Knowing what would happen when he took her to bed, how she would look at him, how her breathing would quicken, her body would writhe, all added to the moment. He would take it slow tonight—all the better to please both of them.

* * *

CRISSY LET HERSELF get lost in Josh’s kiss. She hadn’t been sure she was ready for them to make love again. They hadn’t defined their relationship, nor did she know if she was pregnant or not. Still, now that she was here, in his arms, she didn’t want to stop. There was something about the man that made her weak in the knees.

She parted her lips to let him sweep inside. He tasted of the wine they’d had at dinner. As his tongue circled hers, she felt her body flushing. Heat poured into her belly, then slipped lower, making her ready.

He shifted his hand toward her breasts. She tensed in anticipation. But just as they were about to get to the good part, he pulled back, then stood and drew her to her feet.

“We’ll be more comfortable upstairs,” he murmured, then pressed his lips against the side of her neck.

She tingled where his mouth touched her. While the sensible part of her brain knew that a bed made a lot more sense than a sofa, the eager, swollen woman bits were anxious to get the party started.

Still, when he stepped back and took her hand, she followed him willingly.

The upstairs was as plain as the downstairs. Crissy caught sight of a hall bathroom and an open door to what looked like a home office. Then Josh led her through open double doors into a spacious master bedroom with a king-size bed.

The only light spilled in from the hallway. The rest of the furniture was in shadow, which she didn’t mind. The bed was the only piece that interested her.

She kicked off her shoes before turning to him. He pulled her against him and kissed her mouth. Once again she welcomed him inside, loving the feel of his tongue against hers.

They moved eagerly, but with a rhythm that made her feel as if they were meant to be lovers. Just as she thought about pulling off her sweater, he tugged at the hem. She reached for the buttons on his shirt the exact moment he began tugging it from his waistband.

Slacks and socks and panties and briefs followed until they were both naked, but still standing. Then Josh broke their kisses and dropped to his knees in front of her.

“You’re so beautiful,” he whispered as he kissed his way across her belly. “Everything about you gets to me.”

His mouth was warm and erotic. He used his tongue to draw circles on her skin. His hands slipped up and down the backs of her thighs. Then he slipped around to the front of her legs and eased toward the apex of her legs. Before she’d figured out what he was doing, he parted her curls, leaned in and licked the very core of her.

She sucked in a breath, then groaned in perfect pleasure as he played with her. He circled and brushed, then sucked until she began to tremble. Heat poured through her. She wanted to spread her legs more and beg him to take her to climax. She wanted to hang on to something so she wouldn’t fall. She was off balance and aroused and terrified he would stop what he was doing before she was done.

But he didn’t stop. He stroked her over and over again until she couldn’t think about anything but how good he made her feel. Still touching her with his lips and his tongue, he urged her backward.

She took one step, then another, until she felt the bed behind her. She sat, then lay back and drew her legs as far apart as they would go. Her feet didn’t touch the ground, but that hardly mattered. Not as long as Josh knelt there, pleasing her with his hot, wet caress.

He shifted slightly, then stretched out his arms until his hands closed on her breasts. He rubbed her curves before lightly brushing her tight nipples with his fingertips.

It was too much, she thought hazily. Too much pleasure, too much sensation. Tension built until it filled every part of her. She drew back her knees, exposing herself more, then grabbed onto the bedspread in an attempt to hold out for a couple more seconds.

It was too late. Her climax shuddered through her, making her cry out as the wonder of it filled every cell. She lost herself in the pleasure of her body responding to his touch. Ripples of release went on and on until they finally slowed and she could breathe again.

Only then did Josh move to her thigh and kiss her lightly. He moved his hands to her side. She straightened her legs and let her feet dangle. Finally she opened her eyes.

“Amazing,” she said, then laughed at how low and froggy her voice sounded.

“You liked it?”

She raised herself on one elbow and looked at him. “You’re kidding, right? You have to ask?”

“A guy likes a little flattery.”

“You make love like you mean it and speaking as the recipient, I’m incredibly grateful. And relaxed. I think entire body parts melted.”

He chuckled. “Nice flattery.”

“I wasn’t kidding.”

He stood and stretched. She took a moment to admire his erection and anticipate what it would feel like buried deep inside of her. Her belly clenched.

He lowered his arms and looked at her. “Like I said before. Beautiful.”

She shifted back on the bed to make room for him. “Thank you.”

He bent down to his nightstand, opened a drawer and pulled out a condom.

For a second she wondered if it was too little, too late, but decided not to go there. “Are they new?” she asked.

He shrugged. “Yes. I should have thought of them before. It’s just...”

She knew what it had been. Four years of abstinence after losing his wife. Why would he be traveling with protection? She’s the one who should have thought of it. Only Josh had caught her unawares, in more ways than one.

She smiled. “Okay, big guy. Put on a cowboy hat and let’s party.”

He knelt on the bed, then slipped on his condom. “You do have a way with words.”

“I’m charming.”

“Yes, you are.”

He shifted between her legs and stared into her eyes as he slowly, deliberately, moved inside of her.

He filled her completely, stretching her, making her breath catch. Despite her recent release, the feel of him made her hungry again. She wrapped her legs around his hips and ran her hands down his back.

He shuddered. “You’re a temptation.”

“So are you.”

He withdrew, only to push in again. With each thrust, she tensed and wanted more. She sensed he was holding back.

“More,” she murmured, still holding his gaze and watching the need dilate his eyes. “You don’t have to hold back.”

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You won’t.”

He hesitated for a second. She gave a little thrust with her hips to urge him on. Apparently taking her at her word, he pushed in hard, faster, filling her until she wanted to scream, then pulled out again. He moved with purpose and she felt the exact moment he lost control.

His eyes closed and his face tightened. His body tensed and he took her with a force that pushed her over the edge to her own release. Seconds after her muscles began to convulse, he cried out, then shuddered and they were lost together.

Later, when he was asleep, Crissy listened to the sound of his breathing and wondered if she was in danger of getting in too deep with this man. Was there still time to protect her heart or had she fallen so far, so fast, there was no going back?

CHAPTER SEVEN

CRISSY STILL HUMMED with contentment from her activities the previous night. She parked on the street by Noelle’s house, collected the large teddy-bear-topped package containing her gift of adorable dresses for the well-dressed newborn through two-year-old girl and stepped out of her car. She saw Rachel and waved.

“How are you feeling?” she called.

Rachel touched her stomach. “Good. I’m going to take notes so that when I have my shower, I know what to register for.”

Crissy laughed. “Are you seriously worried?”

“No. Carter and his family will make sure I’m well taken care of.” Rachel looked happy as she spoke, as if she was confident that the Brockett clan would look out for her.

Crissy hugged her friend, then linked arms as they walked up to the large, beautiful house.

“When I marry a millionaire,” Crissy said, “I want a house just like this.”

Rachel grinned. “You won’t have to marry a millionaire. You’ll make your own millions. You probably already have.”

“Not technically,” Crissy said. “I live modestly.”

“More modestly than you have to?”

“Maybe.”

The gyms were doing well. Crissy probably could afford a bigger place, but right now she was in grow-the-business mode. All her spare cash went back into her work. If she was pregnant, that might have to change.

Not that she was. Denying the possibility was her new plan. It made things much easier.

“You’re not going to see me on the Fortune 500 list anytime soon,” she said.

“But one day,” Rachel told her. “I used to think I’d be all about my career. Maybe switch from teaching to administration, but now I don’t think so.”

“Too focused on the baby?”

“Yes,” Rachel admitted. “I’m not sure I’m even going to come back after my maternity leave. Is that too traditional? Do you hate me for that?”

“Why would I hate you?” Crissy asked. “We can want different things and still be friends.”

“I know, but sometimes, when I look at all you’ve done, I feel like a slacker.”

“You’re not.” Crissy knew she was totally intent on her career. It had been more satisfying than the disaster that had been her personal life. Maybe all that was about to change. Not that she would give up work, but a little more balance could be a good thing.

“What did you get for the baby?” Rachel asked.

“Impractically beautiful dresses. A couple for each size between newborn and age two. I meant to be more sensible, but when I saw those tiny dresses, I couldn’t help myself.”

“Sounds more fun than the month of diaper service I got,” Rachel said, waving an envelope. “Noelle said she wanted to avoid disposable diapers as much as possible. I’m being supportive.”

“She’ll love it. Plus, your gift makes more sense. Honestly, who puts a newborn in a fancy dress?”

Rachel laughed. “Noelle will. You know she will. If the baby has hair, she’ll put in coordinating bows. If the baby doesn’t, they’ll be stuck on somehow.”

Crissy chuckled at the thought and knew Rachel was right.

“I’m not the least bit maternal,” she murmured more to herself than Rachel. “That could be a problem.”

“You have other skills,” Rachel said as they approached the front door. “But I know what you mean. I worry about the baby stage. Give me a four-year-old and I’m totally comfortable, but the floppy months make me really nervous.”

“Carter will be there to help.”

“And his mother and sisters.” Rachel sounded delighted by the fact. “They have a lot of expertise. I know all I’ll have to do is call and help will be there.”

The front door open. Dev waved them in.

“Family room,” he said. “Only two more arrivals and then I get to leave.”

“All these women making you nervous?” Crissy asked, enjoying the sight of the always in-control Dev looking harried.

“You have no idea. Everything is pink. I half expected Noelle’s mother to want to paint the family room pink so it would match.”

Crissy had the thought that Dev and Josh would get along. They had similar sensibilities. Maybe, after the baby was born, the four of them could go out sometime. She looked at Rachel. Maybe the six of them.

“You came,” a very pregnant Noelle called from her place of honor in an overstuffed chair by the window. “I was getting worried.”

“No, you weren’t,” Crissy said as she walked over, bent down and hugged her.

“Okay, not really,” Noelle admitted. “I knew you wouldn’t miss my shower.”

“How could we? We’ve been involved from the beginning. We love you too much not to be there at the end.”

“That’s right,” Rachel said, moving in for her hug. “I believe I was the one telling you to go for it, where Dev was concerned.”

“You were both worried about me and I love you for it.” Noelle sniffed. “Oh, no. Hormones. Quick. Say something funny so I don’t start to cry.”

“Carter’s mom wants me to name the baby Hortense, if it’s a girl. Apparently it’s a family name.”

Noelle giggled. “Hortense? Seriously? You wouldn’t do that to an innocent child, would you?”

“I wouldn’t want to,” Rachel told her with a grin. “But we’ll have to see how labor goes. I’ve been telling my stomach that for the past couple of days. If things go smoothly, you can have a cool name. But stick me with forty-eight hours of screaming you might be known as Hortense...even if you are a boy.”

Crissy left them alone to drop her present off in the impressive pile by the coffee table, then went into the kitchen to see if she could help.

Noelle’s mother greeted her, then motioned to the hardworking women who seemed to have everything under control.

“I’m impressed,” Crissy said. “My party-hosting skills are limited to an opening I did for my last gym. I hired caterers. My big involvement was writing a check.”

“You forget I’m a minister’s wife. I can do this sort of thing in my sleep. How’s Noelle holding up?”

“She’s a little emotional, but happy. We’re all anxious for the baby to be born.”

“I agree.” Noelle’s mother sighed. “When I first heard she’d married Dev to give the baby a name, I thought she was on the road to disaster. But everything turned out more wonderful than I could have imagined. Now I’m going to be a grandmother.”

Crissy knew Noelle’s mother was barely in her forties. “Are you okay with that? I mean, you’re kind of young.”

“My baby’s having a baby. That’s pretty cool.” She squeezed Crissy’s arm. “You’ll see what I mean when you start having babies yourself. I know it sounds silly, but there’s something powerful about watching the next generation being born. It anchors my place in the universe. Does that make sense?”

Crissy nodded, even though she wasn’t sure she understood. She tried to imagine Brandon old enough to get married and have children. How would she feel about that?

But instead of seeing the future, she felt a wave of longing and a sense of having missed something important. Something amazing. However much she and Brandon became friends now, she would never be his mother. The time lost was gone forever. His bond with Abbey and Pete was unshakable, and in truth she, Crissy, didn’t want to upset that. But there was a sense of emptiness inside of her she’d never experienced before.

Twelve years ago she’d gained the freedom she’d wanted, but at what price?

* * *

CRISSY CELEBRATED FINDING a new, reliable cleaning service for her gyms by ordering a nonfat blueberry muffin with her usual lunch salad. When she returned to her office, it was to find a phone message from Josh.

Her insides actually quivered when she heard his voice.

“Hi, Crissy. It’s Josh. Give me a call when you get a chance. I have a proposition for you.”

She lived with the anticipation for a couple of minutes before calling him back. Anticipation turned to pleasure when the receptionist said, “He’s been waiting for your call. I’ll put you right through.”

Seconds later Josh came on the line. “Where were you?” he asked. “Hanging out with some buff guys who can bench-press four-fifty?”

“Only on alternate Wednesdays,” she teased. Was it possible he wondered about how she spent her day and worried about someone else catching her attention? He always seemed so perfectly together and confident. It was nice to think he was in over his head, too.

“So I won’t ask again until next week.”

She heard the humor in his voice.

“What’s up?” she asked. “You mentioned a proposition. Or was that just cheap talk?”

“Not talk. I’m going to be getting a puppy tomorrow afternoon. I thought you might want to come with me.”

“A puppy.” She tried to picture one in his all-white town house. “Most guys start with a plant.”

“It’s not for me. Alicia, one of my patients, is turning ten. She wasn’t expected to make it past her eighth birthday. She’s been cancer free for eighteen months and her parents want to give her a puppy. She wants me to pick it out.”

“That’s a lot of responsibility.”

“Less than it sounds. Her parents took her to a breeder, where they narrowed it down to three puppies. The breeder has been watching them for the past couple of days to see which one would be best with her. All I have to do is go pick it up and deliver it. I thought maybe you’d like to come along.”

Puppy shopping, huh? Was there any other activity designed to show a woman a guy’s softer side? Was she already at risk where Josh was concerned? Yet she couldn’t figure out a good reason to say no.

“I’d like that,” she said. “What time?”

* * *

CRISSY WAS WAITING for Josh in the foyer of her gym. It probably wasn’t cool, but she was too excited to wait upstairs. What was it about puppies, kittens and babies that made a person crazy? Not that she was as excited about the puppy as she was about seeing Josh.

She saw him pull up in an SUV she’d seen parked at Pete and Abbey’s house and grinned as she opened the passenger’s door.

“So we don’t want to risk puppy piddle in our fancy doctor car,” she teased by way of greeting.

He gave her a half smile that didn’t reach his eyes, then leaned over and lightly kissed her cheek. “It was Pete’s idea. I didn’t say no.”

She stared at him, taking in the shadowed hollowness of his face. It was as if something had sucked the life out of him.

“Josh, what’s wrong?” she asked, thinking of Brandon and praying he was all right.

“Nothing. I’m fine.”

“Are you sure? Abbey and the kids are okay? Pete?”

He frowned. “They’re all good. Why?”

“You look different. Something happened.”

He put the SUV in Drive and turned onto the street. After a couple of minutes of silence, he said, “I’m sorry. I thought I could act normal, but I guess I can’t.” He glanced at her. “Or you’re more perceptive than most.”

“I’m sure I’m just amazing,” she said, hoping to lighten his mood a little. “Lucky you to have me around. What happened?”

He clutched the steering wheel more tightly, then exhaled. “One of my kids. Joey. He died last night. We knew it was coming. I tried everything I could think of. For a while it seemed like we were winning, but in the last couple of weeks...”

She had no idea what he was feeling. Death was as much a part of Josh’s work as sweat was of hers. She couldn’t begin to imagine what he must go through with each patient, knowing there was a chance that a child could die. But without his willingness to try, those lives would be lost for sure.

“He went downhill fast,” he continued, slowly. “Faster than we thought. His body started shutting down late yesterday afternoon. He was gone by midnight.”

“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “It must hurt every time.”

“It does. I nearly canceled getting the dog, but Alicia is really excited and she’s still with us. Life has to go on, right?”

“You get involved,” she said. “You have to mourn.”

“I don’t always have time. Every life is a battle. Me against the cancer. Sometimes I beat the bastard. Sometimes I don’t. Even when the end is expected, it’s still a shock. I was with Joey last night, along with his folks. I never know if staying is a good idea. If I help or make things worse.”

“I’m sure his parents appreciate knowing how much you care. I would.”

“Maybe. I know what they’re going through. There’s always hope—right to the end. That the hand of God is going to reach down and touch your loved one. That this time, there’ll be a miracle.”

He wasn’t talking about the child anymore, she thought. “Was it like that with Stacey?” she asked softly.

“A little,” he admitted. “By the time we knew the cancer was back, it was everywhere. Or maybe she knew earlier. I was never sure about that. She didn’t want me to worry. We both knew once it returned, there wasn’t going to be much for us to do. I kept on top of the research, but progress isn’t made everywhere. When she got the diagnosis, she had less than six weeks to live.”

Crissy hadn’t known that. “I’m sorry,” she said, wondering how anyone could survive the loss.

“She’d always known the cancer could come back,” he continued. “In her heart, I think she believed it was just a matter of time. She lived her life knowing her years were limited. In the end, she made things as easy for me as she could. Isn’t that crazy? She was the one dying and she wanted to make it okay for me.”

There was too much emotion in his voice, Crissy thought, feeling as if he would later regret sharing so much. There was also a need to protect herself from this information. It would haunt her later. She had a feeling she would always be able to hear his voice, so filled with love and pain as he talked about the woman he had loved and married.

“But you go on,” he said quietly. “You go on and while you never forget, eventually there’s color in the world. You might not want there to be, but there is. Sometimes I tell that to the parents of my kids who die. Especially if they have other children at home.”

His kids. She hadn’t noticed that before. He called them his kids. Because he was that closely connected? Or for another reason?

“It’s like losing her all over again, isn’t it?” she asked. “When you lose one of the children. You’re reliving Stacey’s death.”

He looked at her. “Sometimes. How did you know?”

“It’s not a big leap. You fight the same disease that killed your wife. You work with children who are innocent and far too young to die. Was Stacey all that different?”

He returned his attention to the road. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be talking about this.”

She didn’t know if she agreed or not. It was difficult to have the conversation but ignoring these truths didn’t make them go away.

“I know you were married before, Josh. I know you loved your wife very much. She is a part of who you are and she always will be.”

Crissy knew all that in her head, although she’d yet to come to terms with the information in her heart. It wasn’t that she wanted Josh not to have loved Stacey, it’s that she wanted him to be able to move on. The jury was still out on that one.

“I shouldn’t have brought you along today,” he said.

That hurt, but she did her best not to react. “Because you’d rather be alone?”

“No. Because you didn’t sign up for my problems. I’m sorry. I’m glad you’re here, but it can’t be much fun for you. Want me to take you back?”

The pain faded. “I’m happy to be here. Consider me your distraction for the day. Until we get the puppy. Then you’ll have a four-footed one to keep you from going to the dark place.”

He reached across and took her hand in his. As his fingers laced with hers she wondered if she was making a mistake. Had she somehow become one of those women who fell for men they could never have? Or was she giving the man she cared about enough space to open his heart again?

* * *

ALICIA WAS A pretty redhead with big green eyes and freckles. She practically trembled with excitement as Josh held out the squirming collie puppy.

“Her name is Sashay,” he said with a grin. “She’s pretty smart, so you’re going to have to be a responsible pet owner. Are you ready to do that?”

Alicia nodded solemnly. She sat cross-legged on her family room floor, with her parents on the sofa, right behind her. Crissy stayed out of the inner circle, content to watch but not intrude on this surprisingly intimate moment.

There was a connection between Josh and the little girl, a bond she would guess had been forged by a battle against death.

Josh carefully handed over the puppy. Sashay sniffed Alicia, then swiped at her face with a long, pink tongue. Alicia giggled with delight and hugged the puppy close.

“I love her,” the girl whispered. “I love her nearly as much as I love you, Dr. Josh.”

“I’m glad,” he said. “I brought my camera, so I want to take pictures.”

But pictures had to wait for a while as Sashay met her new family. Crissy laughed as the puppy explored the family room and tumbled around with Alicia. When the two of them went out for a potty break, Josh and Alicia’s father went along with them while Crissy followed Alicia’s mother into the kitchen to make coffee.

“I’m not sure I’m ready for this,” Jayne said, but she sounded happy. “A puppy is a lot of work.”

“I think Alicia is going to be happy to help.”

“I know she is. She’s very responsible and empathetic. That happens to a lot of kids in her position. Being that sick and spending weeks in a hospital causes children to grow up quickly.”

Jayne walked to the window over the sink and stared out into the backyard. Sashay and Alicia were running around the yard.

“She’s so healthy now,” Jayne said, her voice thick with emotion. “Look at how she runs.”

“She’s a beautiful girl,” Crissy told her. “I would never guess she’d ever been sick.”

“I know. Isn’t that amazing. I give thanks every day. Do you have children?”

Crissy thought briefly of Brandon and knew she couldn’t rightfully claim him as her own. “No.”

“When you do, you’ll understand. I was terrified when she was diagnosed. Things only got worse as doctor after doctor said there was nothing they could do. Treatments for her kind of cancer were too difficult for children. The risks were too high. No one would help. Then we met Dr. Josh. He said sometimes there’s a miracle. With Alicia, there was.”

Jayne busied herself with putting cookies on a plate. She sniffed, then looked up. “We were so afraid. Even after all this time, I remember the terror. But he was with us. When we started the treatments, when she only got sicker. He was right there. I can’t remember how many nights I spent at the hospital. I would wake up in the bed next to hers and Dr. Josh would be sitting beside her, holding her hand, whispering that she was going to get better and that she had to hang on. He poured his whole heart and soul into making her well and it worked. We owe him everything.”

“I’m sure Josh doesn’t see it that way,” Crissy said, not completely surprised to hear about his involvement with the family.

“He doesn’t,” Jayne told her. “He’s like that for all his patients. He’s an incredible man, but then you probably know that.”

“I do.”

Crissy was very clear on Josh’s good points. But were they also his flaws? Did he give so much to his kids that he had nothing left for anyone else? Was he hiding behind his work because it was easier than facing a life of his own?

The questions made her feel guilty—like she was actively looking for trouble. Without his commitment, Alicia might not be alive. Did she, Crissy, wish things were any different?

She knew the answer to that, but she was still confused about the situation. Did Josh know how to balance work and personal life? Did he want to? What, exactly, was he looking for from her? What did she want from him? How were either of them going to handle their relationship if she found out she was pregnant?

* * *

THE NEXT COUPLE of days were difficult for Crissy. She didn’t see Josh and wasn’t sure if he was as busy as he claimed or if he was avoiding her after exposing too much of himself. She was currently voting for the busy being real, but wasn’t sure if her luck was that good.

Because she didn’t have enough on her worry list, she went out and bought two different pregnancy kits. Only a couple more days until she would know if she was pregnant or not. Sometimes she was convinced she was playing a head game with herself and other times she was positive she was “with child” as her grandmother used to say.

In a desperate attempt to distract herself, she decided to clean the bathrooms in her house. It was a job she loathed. Even laundry was better than scrubbing toilets and the shower. She collected all the equipment and cleaning products she would need, then pulled on her rubber gloves. But before she could get started, the phone rang.

Her brain went immediately into “Josh or not-Josh” mode. She glanced at the clock and figured it was unlikely that he would be calling at eight-fifteen in the evening.

“Hello?”

“Crissy? Thank God. It’s Abbey. I’m sorry to bother you, but I have no one else.”

Abbey sounded breathless and frantic. Crissy ripped off her gloves, then began searching for shoes.

“You’re not bothering me. What happened? How can I help?”

“It’s Hope. She has asthma. She’s having a horrible attack. I’ve called nine-one-one and they’ll be here any second. I know they’re going to take her to the hospital and I have to go with her. Pete’s at the station, my neighbors are gone, I can’t find Josh. I can’t leave the other two kids alone.”

“Give me your cell number,” Crissy said, then wrote it down. “Go now. Right now. Tell Brandon to lock the door behind you and that I’ll be there in fifteen minutes. He can be alone for that long, can’t he?”

“What? Yes. Emma’s already in bed. I don’t know how to thank you.”

“Don’t. Just go.”

* * *

CRISSY DROVE AS carefully as she could. The last thing any of them needed was for her to get in an accident. She arrived at Abbey’s house seventeen minutes after hanging up and saw the paramedics had arrived before her.

There was a fire truck parked in front of the house and a paramedic van in the driveway. Flashing red lights cut through the night.

Crissy found a spot a couple of houses away, then hurried to the front door. It was open and she stepped inside.

Hope lay on a gurney, with an oxygen mask on her face. Abbey bent over her, soothing her. Two paramedics prepared to transport her.

Crissy glanced around and saw Brandon and Emma huddled together by the stairs. She hurried over and crouched in front of them.

“Hey, guys. This is scary, huh?”

They both nodded.

She touched Emma’s arm. “Do you remember who I am, honey?”

Emma stared at her. “Mommy’s friend. Crissy.”

“That’s right. I’m going to stay with you tonight.” She had no idea how long she was going to be there, so didn’t bother trying to state a time. “Your mom will go to the hospital with Hope.”

Brandon put his arm around his sister. “She’s been sick before. It’s scary, but she gets better.”

Emma’s eyes were huge. “Can I go with Mommy?”

“I know you want to,” Crissy said. “But it’s late and she’ll be busy helping Hope. The three of us will spend the night together. Like a sleepover. How’s that?”

Emma didn’t look convinced. Abbey hurried over.

“I can’t thank you enough,” she said.

“Don’t worry about it. I’m glad I was around to help.”

Abbey kissed her kids. “Be good for Crissy. I don’t know if we’ll be back tonight or in the morning. Daddy will come home when he can, but it shouldn’t be later than seven. Okay?”

They nodded.

Abbey smiled. “Good. We’re all going to be fine and that’s what matters. Now let me talk to Crissy for a minute, okay?” She pulled Crissy into the hallway.

“Pete’s at a fire,” she said in a low voice. “He’ll leave the station as soon as he gets my message, but I don’t know how long he’ll be. He’ll come home and relieve you.”

Crissy shook her head. “Let him go to the hospital to check on Hope first. The kids and I will be okay.”

“Are you sure? That would be great if he could be with me. I could use the support.”

“Absolutely.”

“Thank you. Josh will probably come by when he gets my message. If you could stand to let the kids hang out with you on the family room sofa, that would be best. Eventually they’ll fall asleep. But I don’t want to make them go back to their rooms. They get scared when stuff like this happens.”

“Of course they do.” Crissy was terrified and she was a grown-up.

“We’re ready,” one of the paramedics told Abbey.

She nodded, kissed her kids and went out with Hope. In a matter of seconds, the sound of the siren filled the house and then that, too, was gone.

Crissy turned back to Brandon and Emma. They both looked small and young, standing together, looking expectantly at her as if waiting for her to make things right.

“I think a movie is in order,” she said. “Something funny.” And distracting, she thought. They all needed that. “Brandon, why don’t you go pick out three movies and we’ll choose between them. Oh, and maybe grab some blankets so we can cuddle up properly. Emma, let’s go in the kitchen. You can show me where everything is so we can have a snack. Does your mom ever make hot chocolate?”

The girl looked at her with big, frightened eyes. For a second Crissy thought she might burst into tears. Then Emma sniffed, took her hand and led the way into the kitchen.

“There’s chocolate and marshmallows,” she said, her voice a little thick. “The big ones. Can I have two?”

“Sure. I think we’ll all have two marshmallows with our hot chocolate.”

Thirty minutes later they were curled up together on the sofa watching a cartoon movie that had both kids laughing. The hot chocolate had been a big hit. Even Crissy had appreciated the familiar and comforting flavor.

She sat in the middle of the large sectional sofa, with a child on each side of her. Emma kept nodding off. Finally she put her head down on the pillow that Brandon had brought from her room and went to sleep.

Crissy glanced at Brandon, who seemed completely awake.

“There’s a little left,” she said, motioning to his mug. “I could heat it up for you.”

“Okay.”

She stood then made sure Emma was tucked in and comfortable before heading to the kitchen. Both kids had been great, she thought, grateful no one had given in to hysterics.

She wondered how long it would be before they heard anything from the hospital, then sent up a prayer that little Hope would be all right.

As she picked up the small pot to put it back on the stove, she heard a noise and turned. Brandon stood just inside the kitchen. He looked troubled and scared and a lot of other emotions she couldn’t define.

“Brandon? What’s wrong?” she asked as she put down the pot and crossed to him. She crouched in front of him and smiled. “Scared about Hope?”

He shrugged. “Yeah, but...” He cleared his throat and stared into her eyes. “Are you my mom?”

* * * * *

What could she possibly say? It had taken her twelve years to get the courage to finally meet her son, and she was loving every second of it. The wrong answer could destroy that. Then again, so could the right one. In Circle of Friends Part 6, Crissy has a tough choice—and no time to consider the consequences. Taking a deep breath, Crissy gave her answer...

ISBN-13: 9781488024634

Circle of Friends: Part 5 of 6

First published as Her Last First Date

This edition published 2016

Copyright © 2006 by Susan Macias Redmond

All rights reserved. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of publisher, Harlequin Enterprises Limited, 225 Duncan Mill Road, Don Mills, Ontario, Canada M3B 3K9.

All characters in this book have no existence outside the imagination of the author and have no relation whatsoever to anyone bearing the same name or names. They are not even distantly inspired by any individual known or unknown to the author, and all incidents are pure invention.

This edition published by arrangement with Harlequin Books S.A.

® and ™ are trademarks of the publisher. Trademarks indicated with ® are registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office, the Canadian Intellectual Property Office and in other countries.

www.Harlequin.com

CIRCLE OF FRIENDS:
Part 6 of 6

Susan Mallery

Contents

CHAPTER EIGHT

CHAPTER NINE

CHAPTER TEN

CHAPTER ELEVEN

CHAPTER TWELVE

“Are you my mom?”

The last thing Crissy Phillips imagined Brandon would ask was this elephant-in-the-room question. How did he guess? She thought she was doing a good job pretending to be just a friend of Uncle Josh’s. The jig is up. Time to answer the question...

CHAPTER EIGHT

CRISSY SWALLOWED HARD. She felt another wave of panic, but this one had nothing to do with Hope’s asthma.

What was she supposed to say? How could she handle this? She wasn’t prepared. She didn’t have the answers to tell herself, let alone a twelve-year-old boy. It was crazy.

She’d thought that eventually she’d want to have this conversation with Brandon, but not now. Not unexpectedly, when they were alone and there was no one to guide her through this.

He shoved his hands into his jeans pockets and looked away. “I heard my mom and dad talking about you. About how you were getting involved in my life, which is what they always wanted. How it was good for me to know you.” He shrugged.

“Oh, Brandon,” she whispered, not sure if she should pull him close and hug him or let him stand alone.

She didn’t know anything about him or how to make things better for him. Which was only her own fault. Why hadn’t she been willing to be a part of her son’s life? Why hadn’t she done this years ago?

Her throat tightened and her eyes burned. She wasn’t sure if the tears she held back were for him or herself. Maybe both.

“I didn’t want to say anything to them,” he mumbled. “But I wondered.”

Not knowing what else to do, she put her arm around his shoulders. “How long have you known this?” she asked.

“A couple of days.”

“That’s a pretty big burden to carry. It must have been hard. Then with Hope getting sick...you’ve had a rough week.”

“I can handle it.”

He sounded tough, but he was only twelve.

There was no one to help her with this situation. She would have to deal with it as best she could.

“Come on,” she said as she stood and led the way to the kitchen table. “Let’s talk.”

He followed her and took a seat. She went to the stove where she heated the last of the hot chocolate, poured it into a mug, added two marshmallows, then set it in front of him. She took the seat across from his.

“I don’t know where to start,” she admitted. “I guess the big announcement first makes the most sense. Yes, I’m your birth mother.”

He’d been staring at his mug, but now he looked at her. “For sure?”

She smiled. “Yes. For sure.” Her smile faded. “I didn’t plan this conversation. I don’t know what to tell you or what you want to know. Would it be easier for you to ask questions or do you want me to talk?”

He swallowed, then looked at her. “You were young, right?”

Oh God. The pain of being rejected by the woman who gave birth to you. It had to be what he was thinking.

“I was seventeen,” she said, aching for him and not sure how to make it all better. “Five years older than you are now.”

“Four and a half. I’ll be thirteen this summer.”

“Right.” At his age, getting older was important, she reminded herself. “So I was four and a half years older than you are now. I was supposed to go to college and suddenly I was in high school and pregnant. I didn’t know what to do.”

“Were your parents mad?”

“Not mad so much as disappointed. But they wanted to be supportive, which was great. I didn’t think I was ready to be a mom, so we talked about adopting. But that was hard, too. I mean I wanted to find the right people. The perfect parents. I didn’t know if I could.” She smiled. “Then I met Pete and Abbey.”

He seemed to relax a little. “You liked them?”

“From the second I saw them. They were so in love. Kind of like they are now.”

He wrinkled his nose. “They’re always kissing. It’s gross.”

“You’ll like it more as you get older. I liked everything about them. They were so excited at the thought of you. They had plans for your room and adopting other brothers and sisters for you. They talked about family vacations and how they wanted you to grow up. I knew they were the ones from the moment we met.”

He brightened a little. “That’s cool.”

“It was. Abbey was there with me when you were born. She held you right away and I knew by the look on her face how much she loved you.”

He grinned and looked uncomfortable at the same time.

“One of things I really liked about them was how they were so open about the adoption,” she continued. “They wanted you to know from the beginning. Abbey sent pictures and letters, telling me how you were, so I could watch you grow up.”

“But you didn’t come see me.”

She knew she had to tread carefully here. She wasn’t interested in protecting herself as much as she wanted to make this as easy for Brandon as possible.

“I didn’t know how to be involved without everything being confusing,” she admitted. “Abbey is one of those women who knows exactly how to be a mom. I’m not. One of the reasons I picked adoption was that I was terrified of doing everything wrong. It was part of being young. So I thought letting you grow up feeling safe and secure was the best thing.”

She would tell him more later—when he was older and could understand about regrets and second-guessing.

“But lately I’ve had this feeling that it was time,” she said. “I contacted your parents and they agreed that we should get to know each other. If everything went well, we would figure out a way to tell you who I was. I guess we don’t have to have that conversation now.”

One corner of his mouth turned up. “I guess not.”

“I’m sorry you overheard that conversation. It must have been really hard to learn that and not be able to talk about it.”

He shrugged. “I didn’t know what to tell my mom. I didn’t know what she was thinking or how mad she’d be. Not that she gets mad at stuff like that. I thought a lot about it. It’s weird, you know? The parent stuff. With my friends, I see how someone looks like his dad or turns his head like his brother. I never had that. But with you...”

“Same eyes, same smile.”

“I’m good at sports,” he said eagerly. “You’re good at sports, too.”

“So’s your dad,” she said without thinking.

Brandon’s expression changed to one of hopeful longing. “You mean my birth dad?”

Crissy wasn’t sure if that was the term for it, but it worked. It was classier than “the guy who got her pregnant and didn’t want to marry her.” Not that she’d been interested in getting married, either, but still.

“Yes, your birth dad. Marty. He played football in high school. You look a lot like him. He was funny and smart. He went to West Point. Do you know what that—”

Brandon cut her off with an impatient eye roll. “Yes, I know. It’s the Army college for officers. One of my friend’s sisters goes there. They let girls in now.”

Crissy couldn’t tell if he was impressed or revolted by the thought.

“I’ve lost touch with him,” she said. “I could try to find him, if you’d like.”

Brandon shrugged. “Maybe later.”

Right. Because one new birth parent was probably enough.

“You’re also a lot like my dad and my brother,” she said. “Your build.”

His eyes widened. “You have a brother?”

“And a sister. My parents are still alive, so I’m thinking you have a whole lot more family out there.”

“Do they know about me?”

“Absolutely. They know I’ve been meeting you and they’re hoping they can meet you, too.” Her entire family was threatening a visit in the not too distant future. “More grandparents is a pretty cool thing. Plus, I have nieces and nephews, which means you have cousins. You’re the oldest.”

Crissy wanted to say more, like that they would all get together at some point, but she didn’t want to overcommit. Not when Brandon was just learning about her and her family and she didn’t know how everything was going to play out.

She knew her parents would be thrilled to finally meet him.

“Brandon,” she said slowly. “What happened all those years ago was about me. I was young and scared and I didn’t know what to do. Pete and Abbey were so great that I knew they deserved you. I wanted what was best for you.”

And easiest for her, she thought with a flash of guilt.

Yet even as she started to beat herself up, she wondered if she really could have done a better job raising him. She’d been a kid with no job, no education. She had many great qualities, but she wasn’t a born mother, like Abbey. Could she truly say that keeping Brandon would have been better for him?

Before he could say anything, there was a knock on the front door. Crissy and Brandon walked toward it, then Brandon broke into a run and jerked open the front door.

“Uncle Josh,” he said, flinging himself at the man. “You came. Mom tried to call you before, but you didn’t answer.”

“I’m sorry,” he said, pulling Brandon close. “My battery went out on my pager. I didn’t realize it until I figured out it had been quiet for too long.”

He looked at her over Brandon’s head. “Is everything all right?”

All the strength drained out of her. She, too, wanted to be in his capable arms and have him hold her close. She wanted to know that he would take care of her and whatever problems she had.

“Hope got sick,” Brandon said. “Her asthma was really bad and she couldn’t breathe. Mom had to call nine-one-one. Dad’s at a fire and you didn’t answer your pager and the neighbors are all gone, so she called Crissy. Emma was real scared when the ambulance arrived. She’s asleep now. Crissy came and we watched a movie and made hot chocolate.”

“Sounds like things here are under control,” Josh said as he watched her. “You okay?”

She wasn’t sure, but she didn’t want to say that in front of Brandon. So she nodded.

“Good.” Josh released his nephew and smiled at him. “I think PJs are in order.”

“Mom said we could sleep on the sofa in the family room. You know, together, so Emma doesn’t get scared.”

“Good idea. Go get changed and we’ll all crash on the sofa. How does that sound?”

“Great.”

Brandon ran down the hall.

When they were alone, Josh crossed to her and put his hands on her shoulders. “What’s wrong? You look upset. Did the Hope thing freak you out?”

“It was horrible, but no. Abbey handled all that.” She glanced around to make sure Brandon hadn’t returned, then lowered her voice. “He knows who I am. When Emma fell asleep, he asked me if I was his birth mother. I didn’t know what to say. He overheard Pete and Abbey talking a couple of days ago. I felt so horrible that he’d been carrying that around inside.”

Josh swore softly. “I’m with you on that. Poor kid. What did you tell him?”

“The truth. That I was. We’ve been talking about it, but I don’t know if I said too much or not enough. I don’t know if he’s all right or more confused. What if he hates me?”

Josh leaned in and kissed her. “He doesn’t hate you. He totally respects how you play football and for a twelve-year-old boy, that’s close to worship.”

She wanted that to be true, although at this point, just tolerating her seemed like a win.

“I feel so bad that he had to go through that alone,” she said. “What if I made things worse?”

“You didn’t,” Josh said firmly. “Want me to talk to him and confirm my theory?”

“That would be great.”

Josh saw the worry in Crissy’s eyes and heard the concern in her voice. He liked that she’d connected so much with Brandon. Now that the kid knew the truth, there was no going back. Having Crissy care so much would make things easier for Brandon.

“Be right back,” he said and followed his nephew down that hall. A quick glance at his watch told him it was after ten. In another hour he would call the hospital and check on Hope’s condition.

He walked into Brandon’s room. “You ready for some serious relaxation?”

“Uh-huh.”

Josh sat on the boy’s bed and patted the spot next to him. “Have a seat.”

Brandon eyed him warily. “What? Oh.” His expression cleared. “Crissy told you what I said.”

“She did and I want to make sure you’re handling it all right. Talk about a lot of information.”

Brandon sank onto the bed. “It wasn’t so bad. I knew I was adopted and I guess I always sort of figured I had a mother out there. Sometimes I thought she might be dead. I didn’t spend a lot of time wondering, you know?”

He didn’t, but he could imagine. “Crissy’s pretty cool.”

Brandon shot him a grin. “For a girl.”

“Don’t let her hear you say that.”

“I know. Man, she’s really sensitive about the girl thing. But I like her, so it’s okay.”

Josh wasn’t sure how much to say or what questions to ask. The only thing he knew for sure was to make sure Brandon understood he was loved and wanted. “She was pretty young when she got pregnant.”

“That’s what she said. In high school. That’s real young to have a baby. It’s better to wait until you’re older and married.” He grimaced. “I don’t know if I want to get married.”

Josh held in a chuckle. “You don’t have to decide tonight. The point is her decision to give you up for adoption was about where she was. It wasn’t about you.”

“She told me that, too. Jeez. I know Mom and Dad love me, okay? I’m not going to start acting up because I don’t feel special.”

Josh grabbed him and wrestled him onto his back, then tickled his ribs. “You think you’re so smart. You think you know everything.”

“I am smart,” Brandon gasped as he laughed and squirmed. “Okay, okay. I give.”

Josh released him. “They wanted you. From the second they met Crissy, they wanted you. I was still in medical school. I remember Pete meeting me outside one of my classrooms at lunch. He’d said it was really important.” Josh grinned as he remembered his brother’s excitement. “He went on and on about the pregnant high-school girl he and Abbey had met the night before. How great she was and how much she wanted the best for her baby. Pete said he knew that baby, her baby, was the one. That he or she was going to be their firstborn. That was you, kid.”

“Yeah?” Brandon straightened and squared his shoulders. “I am amazing.”

Josh laughed. “Yes, you are. A little self-absorbed, but I can tickle that out of you.”

Brandon scooted out of range.

“They love you,” Josh said.

“I know that.”

“We’re all going to be really boring and keep repeating that. Crissy being your birth mother doesn’t change who you are or where you belong.”

Brandon picked at the L.A. Dodgers comforter. “She’s got family. Parents. A brother and sister. They have kids. So they’re kind of related to me, too.” He looked up, his expression stricken. “Is that okay?”

“Of course. You’re allowed to have blood relatives.”

“I know, but I don’t want Mom or Dad to think they matter less, you know? Or you. I mean I have another uncle now, but he’ll never be like you.”

Josh grabbed Brandon and pulled him close. “You get to love as many people as you want. It’s better that way. More family is a good thing and your folks will be cool with that.”

“I’d never hurt them.”

“They know that. So you’ll get to know Crissy and meet the rest of your family. They’ll become a part of you, but this will always be your home.”

The boy relaxed. “Promise?”

“Absolutely.”

* * *

LATER, WHEN BRANDON had fallen asleep on the sectional sofa, Josh joined Crissy in the kitchen.

“And?” she asked. “Is it all right? Did I damage him permanently or can it be repaired?”

She looked worried and scared and more beautiful than he’d ever seen her. He crossed to where she stood by the cabinets, put his hands on her waist and then leaned in and kissed her.

She tasted of chocolate and temptation. Even though their lips barely touched and their bodies didn’t, wanting exploded inside of him. He ignored it, knowing this wasn’t the time or the place. But later?

“He’s fine. Better than fine,” he said. “He’s good. He understands what you told him, he doesn’t blame you for giving him up. His biggest worry is that he’s excited to meet the rest of your family and he doesn’t want that to hurt Pete or Abbey.”

Relief relaxed her features. “You sure? You’re not just saying that to make me feel better?”

“I swear, he’s doing great.” He recapped his conversation with Brandon. “As he pointed out, it helped that he knew he was adopted. So he’s always wondered about his birth mother. Overhearing what he heard only filled in the pieces for him. You’ve made the first step and it’s a good one.”

She exhaled slowly. “That’s a relief. I was stunned when he flat out asked if I was his birth mother. I couldn’t believe we were alone and there was no one to guide me through the conversation. I had to rely on instinct.”

“Your instincts are working just fine,” he said as he touched her face.

“Good to know. I want to talk to Abbey about all this. She’s going to get even more questions from him, I’m sure. She’ll be okay with this, right? She won’t hate me?”

“She won’t hate you.”

“She’s such a good person. I really respect her. And admire her. I want to be a part of Brandon’s life, but not as his mom. Abbey will always be that. She should be. But I could be someone else.”

“Be you,” he said, then kissed her again.

The wanting rose again. This time it was more insistent and accompanied by a physical manifestation. Rather than give in, he led her to the table where he was careful to sit far enough away that she was out of touching distance.

“What a night.” She leaned back in her chair. “What’s going on with Hope, do you think? Is she going to be all right?”

“I’m not a specialist, but I would guess she’ll do fine. She has the kind of asthma most kids outgrow. It’s scary but not always life-threatening.”

She smiled. “You’re a good guy to have around. I’m sure Pete and Abbey appreciate how great you are with the kids.”

“It takes a village,” he teased, watching the way her mouth moved when she smiled.

“In my case, it would take more of a town. I’m not the maternal type. But you seem to have the instinct.” She studied him. “I’ve seen you with Abbey’s kids, and with Alicia a couple of days ago. You’re terrific with kids. You know what to say and they adore you. So why don’t you have any of your own? Did you hold off because of Stacey’s illness?”

An innocent question, he thought, his good mood fading. A reasonable one, under the circumstances. But still, his insides knotted.

“I never wanted children,” he told her. “My work keeps me busy and I’m around kids all day so I’ve never felt the loss. Stacey couldn’t have kids, so that worked out. It was just the two of us. We talked about adopting, but our hearts weren’t in it. Once she got sick, we both realized we’d made the right decision.”

Josh kept talking, but Crissy wasn’t listening. Her brain was stuck on his casual “I never wanted children.”

It wasn’t possible. She refused to believe it. How could he not want kids? He was great with them. They adored him. He had instincts she could only dream about. He was born to be a father. He worked with children every day. So why didn’t he want any of his own?

She didn’t have any answers, which was pretty scary. What if she was pregnant? Did that mean Josh wouldn’t want to be a part of his child’s life? Just as important, what about her relationship with him? She’d thought he was someone she could genuinely care about. She thought he could matter.

But however much she might be lacking the “mom” gene, she’d always seen herself having a family of her own someday. She couldn’t be with a man who wasn’t willing to share that.

The phone rang, breaking through her whirlwind of thoughts. Josh grabbed it.

“Hello?”

He listened for a minute, then smiled. “Good. I’m glad she’s okay. I’ll tell Crissy and the kids. Yes. Sure. Okay. See you when you get here.”

He hung up. “Hope’s fine. She and Abbey will stay the night at the hospital, just to be sure, then they’ll be home in the morning.”

“That’s a relief,” Crissy said.

“She’s leaving a message for Pete, telling him to go ahead and finish out his shift. I’m going to stay the night here. I’ve done it before. I have clothes in the guest room. You can head home if you want.”

Home? Right. She could go home.

She stood and wondered what she was supposed to say now. Judging from how Josh kept talking it was obvious he didn’t know he’d upset her, which was probably a good thing. She had no idea what she could say to him.

Her first reaction was to tell him he didn’t know what he was talking about. Of course he wanted children. But did she really know him? Making love with a man didn’t entitle her to the secrets of his soul. He could very well be telling the truth. She could be caught up in a big fat case of wishful thinking.

“I should go,” she said as she rose. “I have a busy day tomorrow.”

He stood and pulled her close. “You didn’t have to come over and take care of things like you did.”

“It was a crisis. I wasn’t going to refuse.”

“I like that about you.”

She gazed up into his eyes and wondered if it was too late not to care about him. “You need higher standards.”

“My standards are plenty high. You meet all of them.”

She forced herself to smile, then kiss him before leaving.

As she walked to the car, she knew that he was wrong about her. She didn’t meet all his standards. She wanted children and the loud, happy mess of a life that came with them. She might not have been ready before, when she’d gotten pregnant with Brandon, but she was now.

It had taken her the past twelve years to figure out she could forgive herself for making the decision she had and finally allow herself to be happy. She knew what she wanted. If Josh didn’t want the same things she did—he wasn’t right for her.

Simple enough to say, she thought sadly as she drove into the night. But walking away wasn’t going to be easy. He was the best man she’d ever met. How was she supposed to find someone better?

* * *

TWO MORNINGS LATER Crissy stared at the neat row of plastic sticks. Some came with pluses, others had writing, but all the messages were exactly the same.

She was pregnant.

CHAPTER NINE

SATURDAY MORNING CRISSY drove over to join Rachel for Noelle’s “Baby Watch.” Noelle was close enough to popping that no one wanted her to be by herself. Dev had out-of-town clients he had to deal with so Rachel and Crissy had volunteered to be on duty.

When she’d agreed to help out, she’d thought only of being with her friend. Now as she curled up on the sofa in the well-decorated, bright family room, she thought about how much these women had come to mean to her.

They’d only known each other a little over two years, but in that time, they’d become so close. They’d gone through more than different knitting classes—they’d seen each other’s lives change for the better. She couldn’t imagine not having them to lean on.

Crissy watched as Noelle shifted in the chair.

“I can’t get comfortable,” she complained. “I was willing to be brave about it for a while, but now I’m just plain cranky. Do I have to be so huge? I’m not giving birth to a pod of whales. It should be just one seven or eight pound baby.”

“That’s a lot of baby,” Rachel said, sounding impressed.

“I’m still caught up on her knowing that whales traveled in pods,” Crissy teased. “Someone’s been watching Animal Planet.”

Noelle sighed. “I’m serious. I want the baby out now. I don’t care how.”

Crissy looked at Rachel. “She does have that great knife set in the kitchen.”

Rachel rubbed the sofa fabric. “The blood would stain.”

“That’s a problem.”

Noelle glared at her. “Take me seriously!”

Crissy crossed to the ottoman in front of her chair and grabbed one of her hands. “I know you’re uncomfortable, but it’s only for a few more days. Hang on. It’s going to be worth it. You’ll see.”

Noelle’s eyes filled with tears. “I know. I just want to see her so much. My back hurts, I’m swollen up like a water balloon. I look hideous. Dev is never going to be able to forget how hideous I look and he won’t want to have sex with me again.”

Crissy’s pain during her first pregnancy had been about missing the prom. She hadn’t had to think in terms of babies or marriages. Things were different when one was a grown-up.

“Now you’re scaring me,” Rachel said with a whimper in her voice. “I’ve changed my mind about being pregnant.”

“Don’t do that,” Noelle told her. “It’s wonderful. Really. I’m just having a bad day. Let’s change the subject to something fun. Like the wedding. How are plans coming?”

“Slowly,” Rachel said. “We haven’t set a date yet, but it will definitely be after the baby’s born. I want to be skinny in my dress.”

Crissy returned to the sofa. “You’ll be a beautiful bride.”

“I’ll do my best. I keep waiting for Carter’s family to get upset because I’m pregnant first and married later, but everyone has been great. After I lost my family all those years ago, I never thought I’d have that again. But now I do. He gave me a family.”

Her voice cracked as she spoke, then she wiped away tears. Noelle looked a little misty.

“Am I the only one still sane?” Crissy asked, worried that they were all about to start sobbing in unison, or worse, break out in song. “Let’s talk about something that doesn’t involve emotions. Wallpaper, maybe. Or some great barbecue ideas for the summer.”

Rachel wiped her eyes. “Sorry. You’re right. It must be really hard for you to deal with us. The whole pregnancy thing. I guess it’s like being the only sober person at a big party. You’ve been so there for us. We’re going to have to figure out a way to pay you back.”

Crissy opened her mouth, then closed it. To be honest, she’d been living in the happy land of denial for the past couple of days. The pregnancy tests had told her a truth she didn’t want to admit, so she’d ignored it. With the exception of giving up wine—hardly difficult as she rarely drank—and being sure she took her vitamins every day, she hadn’t changed anything about her life.

But like it or not, in about eight months, she was going to have a baby.

She still wasn’t sure how she felt about that. Part of her was practically giddy at the thought. A baby. She could handle a child now. She was more mature, more financially settled. She had a support system in place.

Part of her thought she was crazy. A baby? She didn’t know the first thing about being a mother. Her idea of domestic was to buy lettuce and salad dressing separately, instead of together in one of those premade salad bags. Had she thought to get Noelle a wonderfully practical present for the shower? A stroller or high chair or even diaper service? Not her. She’d gone with frilly dresses the baby would never wear.

There was also the complication of Josh, but she didn’t want to think about that because if she did, she would panic and that wouldn’t be pretty.

“Crissy?”

She looked up and saw both Noelle and Rachel staring at her.

“What’s wrong?” Noelle asked.

“Nothing. I’m fine. Great even. Perfect.”

Rachel frowned. “You don’t look fine. You’re not your normal bouncy self. What’s going on? Did something happen with Brandon?”

“Or with Josh?” Noelle asked.

“I...”

Something had happened with both of them. Something big.

“I...”

“You’re keeping secrets,” Rachel said, sounding disappointed. “Are you mad at us? Have we been too self-absorbed with our pregnancies? Do you hate us?”

Noelle instantly teared up. “Oh God. You think we’re too domestic. You’re so sophisticated. You have a successful business and you’re beautiful. I’m just some kid who got knocked up, right? You don’t want to be friends with me anymore. You think I’m stupid.”

Now the tears were flowing freely. Rachel looked as if she was seconds from giving in to emotion, as well. Crissy wanted to pound her head against the wall.

“Stop,” she said. “Just stop. I love you guys. I want to be friends, in fact I insist on it. I need you both. I’m going to need you a whole lot more in the next few months.”

They both stared at her. “What happened?” Rachel asked.

“A lot. I didn’t say anything because I’ve been sort of ignoring it myself. I think I’ve reached my crisis limit for this week.” She drew in a breath. It was probably better to start small and build up to the big announcement.

“Brandon knows I’m his birth mother.”

That stopped the tears.

Noelle wiped her face. “What happened?”

Crissy explained about Hope’s asthma attack and how she, Crissy, had gone over to help out.

“He just asked,” she said, remembering how she’d felt at that moment. “I honestly didn’t know what to say, how to explain. I didn’t want to hurt him or make him feel bad. I sort of let him lead the conversation. Later, when I talked to Abbey, she said everything had gone great and that Brandon was doing well. I hope she’s right.”

Rachel grinned at her. “So he knows you’re his mother.”

“Birth mother. And yes, there’s a difference. Abbey’s his mom. She’s been the one raising him for nearly thirteen years. I’m just...the vessel.”

“You’re more than that,” Noelle told her. “Besides, you want to be involved, don’t you? You want to be in his life.”

Crissy smiled. “I do. It’s so strange. I avoided thinking about him for years, but now that I’ve met him and I’ve seen our connection, I want more. I want to be a part of his world.”

“Regrets?” Rachel asked.

“Some. In my crazy moments, I wonder what it would have been like. But the rest of the time I know I made the right choice.”

“So you’ll be there for him, giving him advice.” Noelle shifted in her chair. “You’ll have the best of it. You get to be the cool adult in his life.”

“I’d like that.”

“So this is good,” Rachel said. “You should be happy.”

“I am, about that. But there’s more.” Crissy drew in a breath. How to explain the complications of Josh. “I, um... There are complications other than Brandon.”

“I thought you liked Josh,” Noelle said. “Don’t you?”

“I do. A lot. He’s a great guy. If I were to make a list of everything I want, he would hit all the high points. On the surface, he’s practically perfect, but underneath...not so much.”

“Meaning?” Rachel asked.

“He’s still in love with Stacey.”

“You don’t know that,” Noelle said firmly. “He’ll always have feelings for her. He’d be a jerk if he didn’t. But that’s not the same as being in love.”

“I know the difference and I have a feeling he’s falling on the ‘in love’ side of things. He hasn’t been with anyone but me since she died. That was four years ago. Don’t you think that’s taking mourning just a little too far?”

Rachel and Noelle exchanged a look that told Crissy the two of them had been talking about her situation.

“But he’s with you now,” Noelle said. “That has to mean something.”

“It does...”

“But?” Rachel asked.

“But I’m confused about a few things. What he does, helping those sick kids. It takes a lot out of him. He takes on the cases no one else will. It’s admirable. But does knowing any one of them could die mean he gets to hold back?”

She covered her face with her hands, then straightened and looked at her friends. “Okay, here’s my terrible thought for the day. Stacey had a kind of cancer that was likely to return. Odds were, when it did, it would claim her life. He knew that and he still wanted to marry her. Which is admirable. But is it possible part of the reason he loved her was that she was safe? Did he marry her knowing he would lose her and did that mean he didn’t have to give so much of himself? And am I a completely horrible person for thinking that?”

“No,” Rachel said immediately. “You can think what you think. No one judges that.”

“You’re too hard on yourself.” Noelle rubbed her belly. “I can see why you’re worried, but it’s possible you’re reading too much into the situation. Maybe he married Stacey because he fell in love with her and a short life together was better than no time at all. I would do that with Dev in a heartbeat. There doesn’t have to be a deep, dark, psychological reason for his actions.”

There didn’t have to be, but Crissy couldn’t help wondering if there was. “My gut is warning me that this might be a guy who is emotionally unavailable. Do I need that kind of hassle in my life?”

“Are you willing to walk away?” Rachel asked.

Crissy shook her head. “It’s too late for that. The thing is I spent so many years beating myself up about Brandon. I decided I’d done something wrong, so I continued to punish myself. I wouldn’t get serious about anyone. I picked guys who could never understand me, losers who could never be my partner in life. It got so bad, I swore off dating forever. Then I met Josh and he’s amazing. But have I come all this way and learned all these life lessons only to fall for a guy who’s emotionally unavailable?”

“You’re assuming the worst about him,” Rachel said. “Maybe give him a chance to prove himself before you jump all over him.”

“Oh, but that would make sense,” Crissy teased. Then her humor faded. “He doesn’t want children.”

“What?” Noelle sounded outraged. “No. That can’t be right. He works with kids. You said he was great with Abbey and Pete’s kids.”

“I know, but that’s what he told me. He came by after I’d talked to Brandon and he seemed to know exactly what to say to both of us. So I asked him why he and Stacey hadn’t had kids. He said she couldn’t and he’d never wanted them.”

“Okay, now I get it,” Rachel said. “He probably never thought about having children. Then he fell madly in love with someone who couldn’t have them so he convinced himself he didn’t want them in the first place so he wouldn’t hurt her feelings.”

That’s what Crissy wanted to believe, too. “That’s the best case scenario. But how can I know if he did a mind shift for his late wife or if he really doesn’t want children?”

“You have to find out which,” Noelle said firmly. “Because you do want a family. I know you joke about the horrors of fluids in pregnancy and all that, but I know you, Crissy. You want a family.”

Crissy nodded. “I do. I don’t know how to find out the truth about Josh. I can’t exactly ask him if he’ll let me work up a psychological profile. So I’m left with some serious gray matter. In theory, the no-kids thing is a deal breaker.”

“In theory?” Rachel looked at her. “You’d consider not having a family because of him?”

“Not exactly. There’s another complication.”

Noelle shook her head. “I’ve never understood why people watch soap operas, but I’m beginning to see the appeal. All the drama is very compelling. So what’s the complication? You’re attracted to Pete? Abbey’s attracted to Josh? They want you to be a surrogate mother for them? Josh hates your cat?”

Despite everything, Crissy laughed. “It’s not a matter of him liking King Edward, it’s whether or not King Edward will like him.”

“Of course,” Rachel said. “We know who’s in charge. So what is it?”

Crissy drew in a deep breath. “I’m pregnant.”

Both women stared at her in disbelief—wide-eyed, mouths open. Rachel recovered first and flung herself at Crissy.

“You’re going to have a baby? That’s wonderful. I’m so happy for you. I can’t believe we’re all pregnant together? What are the odds of that? It’s the knitting class. And to think you hate the yarn.”

Crissy hugged her friend, appreciating the comfort and the support.

“I don’t hate the yarn,” she said. “It hates me.”

Noelle sniffed. “I can’t get up and come over. You guys have to come to me.”

Both of them moved toward the chair where they huddled in a group hug. Finally everyone settled back in their seats.

“Are you happy?” Noelle asked. “It’s got to be a shock.”

“It is,” Crissy admitted. “I’ve been ignoring the obvious—that thirteen years after it happened the first time, I’m once again dealing with an unplanned pregnancy. Obviously I’m a slow learner in this area.”

“But you’re happy,” Noelle said. “Aren’t you?”

Crissy smiled slowly. “I’m very happy. A little surprised, but happy. I feel ready this time. I’m grown-up and I can do this. Sort of.” She felt fear nibbling at the edges of her happiness. “Except I’m not very maternal. Do you think the baby will mind?”

“You’ll do great,” Rachel said. “If you get worried, just call one of us. By the time you have your baby, we’ll be experts.”

“Good point.” Crissy relaxed a little. “I want this,” she admitted. “I want all of it. The messy, fluid-filled baby stuff. I want to be there for every moment. I want to watch my child grow up while knowing my life will never be the same.”

Her friends nodded as if they, too, felt that.

“But,” Rachel said. “What about Josh?”

“There is that.”

“Maybe you misunderstood him,” Noelle said. “Maybe he was just talking about before. When it was with Stacey.”

“Maybe.” But Crissy was doubtful. “I have to tell him and I honestly don’t know what he’s going to say.”

“He might surprise you in a good way,” Rachel said. “Saying you don’t want children is one thing, but being faced with a baby of his own is another. He might discover he wants to be a father. You said he gives everything to the sick children he works with. How could he give less to his own son or daughter?”

A good question. In theory, Crissy agreed with her, but in her gut, she wondered and worried.

“I won’t know until we have the conversation,” she said.

“Which will be when?” Noelle asked.

“I don’t know. I’m going to put it off for a couple of weeks. Let the whole Brandon thing die down. If Josh and I could spend a little more time together, I might get him figured out. That would help. But I’m not waiting longer than that. I want to feel safe in the conversation but I don’t want him thinking I was trying to keep the information from him. Talk about a balancing act...”

“You’re up to it,” Rachel told her. “It will be fine. You’ll see.”

“He’ll come through in the end,” Noelle said. “He’s one of the good guys.”

Crissy could only hope her friends were right.

* * *

THREE DAYS LATER Crissy knew she was acting like a total coward, which wasn’t her style at all. She’d been lying low and avoiding Josh, which wasn’t helping her “get to know him better” plan.

He’d called and they’d talked, but she’d deflected his attempts for them to get together. Part of the problem was she didn’t know if she could be around him without blurting out the truth. Telling this man she was having his baby was something she wanted to do delicately. In the right way at the right time. And hopefully when she wasn’t so scared of his reaction.

But in the meantime, avoiding him was just plain dumb.

That decided, she picked up the phone and called his office.

“Hi,” she said, when the receptionist answered. “I’m Crissy Phillips, a friend of Josh’s. Ah, Dr. Daniels. I wondered what his schedule looked like. If he was available for lunch.”

“Oh, it’s you!” the woman squealed. “I can’t believe you’re calling. We couldn’t believe it when Dr. Josh told us he was dating. Finally. This is so exciting. You have to come by. I don’t know if he’ll have time for a long lunch, but he’ll have a few minutes.”

He talked about her? To his staff? She wasn’t sure what to make of that, but decided it had to be a good thing. He wasn’t exactly the kind of guy to share everything about his personal life. Which meant she was significant. At least that was going to be her interpretation of things.

“That sounds good,” she said. “I’ll come on over.”

“I’m so glad. He really needs to see you. It’s been a tough morning for him.”

Which meant something had happened with one of his kids, she thought sadly.

“Thanks for telling me,” she said. “Give me twenty minutes.”

She parked across from the door to his offices and walked inside. The first thing she noticed was the bright colors of the walls. They were an ocean-blue—a fitting color considering the entire waiting-area walls were an underwater mural. There were fish and turtles and bits of seaweed. A diver lurked in a corner while four sharks played an intense game of volleyball by the window.

The overall effect was one of light and color. It was a cheerful, happy space, something his patients and their parents would appreciate.

The waiting room was empty. Crissy walked to the reception window where a young woman in a puppy-covered smock grinned at her.

“Ohmygod! You’re Crissy, aren’t you? I’m Natalie. I’m so excited to finally meet you.”

Natalie turned and called out, “She’s here, guys. Come meet her.”

Three other woman clustered around the window. They introduced themselves so quickly, Crissy couldn’t put names with faces.

“I go to your gym,” one of them said. “The one across from the mall. I love it so much. No guys, which is the best. I work with a trainer and I’ve lost twenty pounds in just over two months. I’m trying to drag these slackers with me to one of the classes, but they’re too lazy.”

Natalie pulled a cookie out of her desk and waved it around. “Hey, I like my lifestyle just as it is. You’re healthy enough for all of us.”

“If you change your mind, we offer a free one-week membership,” Crissy said. “You’d be welcome.”

“Maybe.” But Natalie looked doubtful. “Okay, we’ll tell Dr. Josh you’re here. It should just be a second.”

Crissy took a seat, noting how a lot of the chairs were lower to the ground, probably so they would be more comfortable for the kids. There were plenty of toys lying around and a TV with a stack of DVDs next to it. She reached for a magazine and began flipping through it.

The front door opened and a little girl walked in with her mother behind her. The child was maybe five or six and she wore a hat.

Natalie leaned out the reception window and grinned. “Why Heather Wilson, is that you? I swear you’ve grown an inch since you were last in here. Are you growing? Does your mother know about this?”

Heather giggled, then pulled off her hat. “Look!” she said proudly.

Short, blond curls covered her head. Natalie clapped her hands. “You have hair. Come see, everyone. Heather has hair!”

The office staff spilled into the waiting area and cooed over the little girl. While that was going on, the mother took a seat across from Crissy’s.

“She’s doing so well,” the woman said with a relieved and happy smile.

“I can see that. She’s beautiful.”

The mother nodded. “We’d hoped, of course, for a miracle. But everyone told us it wasn’t possible. That with her kind of cancer...” She swallowed. “I nearly lost hope. Then someone told us about Dr. Josh. He said there was a chance and he was right. The long nights in the hospital were a nightmare. But he was always there. It could be four in the morning and he’d just pop in to check on us. I’ve never known anyone like him.”

She paused. “I guess I’m trying to tell you that if anyone can save your child, he can. Don’t give up hope.”

“Oh,” Crissy said, not sure how to deal with the misunderstanding. “I’m, ah, not... I don’t have a child here.”

“She’s his girlfriend,” Natalie offered helpfully.

The mother laughed. “Really? That’s great. He’s been single far too long. We were all thinking he’d given up on love altogether. I’m glad he found someone.”

Crissy smiled, even as she wondered if everyone on the planet had to know about her personal life.

“He’s so caring and giving,” the other woman continued. “Sometimes I think he’s too good to be real.”

Crissy knew for a fact that Josh was totally human. She’d seen him naked. But she understood the point being made. That he was one of the good guys.

A rush of longing filled her. Longing that they could work things out and that he could be the one. She cared about him more than she’d ever cared about another man. He was loving and compassionate, smart and funny. He could make her bones melt with just a smile. Wasn’t that worth fighting for?

Little Heather came over and beamed. “I love Dr. Josh. He gives the bestest hugs. He always told me the truth. When it was gonna hurt, he didn’t pretend it wasn’t.” She leaned forward. “I hate it when they tell me it’s not gonna hurt and it does.”

“I’m with you on that,” Crissy told her.

Natalie leaned out of the reception window. “Okay, Crissy. You can come back now.”

“Take your time,” Heather’s mother told her with a knowing smile. “We can wait.”

Crissy had no idea what to say to that, so she just waved and followed Natalie to a large corner office. Here the colors were more subdued, but the space was still bright and open. Instead of the usual degrees hanging on the wall, there were posters of animals, including horses, penguins and a family of meerkats.

Seconds after she’d been ushered inside, the door opened again and Josh joined her.

“I’d heard you were in the building,” he said as he crossed to her and took her hand in his.

“Just me and Elvis,” she teased. “I was heading this way and I thought I’d stop by. How are you?”

As she asked the question, she stared into his eyes and saw the shadows there.

“Never mind,” she told him. “I can see for myself that something bad happened.”

“A patient,” he said sadly. “He was barely two. That’s wrong on so many levels. I never know what to say to the parents. How do you say you’re sorry for that?”

“You did everything you could,” she said, knowing it was true.

He squeezed her hand tighter. “I need to do more. I need to be able to save all of them and I don’t know how. I have equipment so complicated it would take a year to teach you how to use it. I can study cells and make predictions. I have access to cutting-edge medicine. But it’s all crap. In the end, I can’t save them all.”

Her heart ached for him. “No one expects you to.”

“Matt’s mother did. She sat in this office with hope in her eyes and asked for a miracle. I didn’t have one for her. She’s a single mother. Was a single mother. She was barely making it but she put all her hopes and dreams into that little boy. And last night those dreams ended.”

Crissy’s eyes filled with tears. “You’re not superhuman. You’re just a man.”

“A useless one,” he said, his voice thick with pain. “I was with them at the end. We both held him and then he was gone.” He glanced at the wall. “He liked the meerkats best.”

His pain filled the room and made it hard for her to breathe. How could he keep going through this time after time? How was there anything left? What price did he pay for caring so much? Did each child he lost take him back to Stacey’s death? After being in so much darkness, could there be any light at all?

He released her hand and stepped back. “I know why you’ve been avoiding me,” he said flatly.

She started to protest that she hadn’t been, then decided to spare them both the lie.

“I’m too intense,” he said. “The past five minutes would be a perfect illustration of that. I’m scaring you off and I don’t blame you for wanting to run.”

Did he really think that? Did he worry about losing her or did he want her gone?

“I don’t have any plans to run,” she said quietly. “Unless you want me to.”

“What? No. Crissy, sometimes my job is the best one on the planet and sometimes it’s the seventh level of hell. I can’t disconnect from what I do. It makes me want to crawl inside myself and never care again. But I do care, about the kids, about you. I can’t stop thinking about you and I’ve tried. You haunt me.”

She liked the sound of that. It gave her hope.

She stood on her tiptoes and kissed him on the mouth. “I’m haunting you in a good way, right? Not a scary, icky zombie way.”

He smiled. “No zombies, I promise.”

Her chest tightened. She wasn’t ready to tell him about the baby, but she didn’t want to give up, either.

“I can handle what you do,” she said.

“Are you sure?”

She nodded.

“I don’t want to drag you down,” he told her. “It’s not a good place to be.”

“Maybe you should spend less time there.”

“That happens when I’m with you.”

“Good. So I was thinking of getting some fabulous takeout tonight. Want to join me?”

He kissed her slowly, thoroughly, claiming her with a passion that took her breath away. He used his mouth and his tongue until she was ready to get naked right there in front of the meerkats.

“About seven?” he asked as he pulled back.

“What? Oh, tonight. Yeah. Seven works.”

He grinned. “You’re looking a little wild-eyed.”

“That would be your fault.”

He pulled up the front of his white coat, grabbed her hand, then pressed it to his groin. He was hard, which made her want to whimper.

“You have something to answer for, too.”

“Then you’ll have to punish me later,” she whispered, teasingly.

“You can count on it.”

* * *

JOSH ARRIVED AT Crissy’s house a few minutes early. The need to see her was strong. Being around her made his life better and right now he could use a little of that.

She opened the door before he could knock and waved him in.

“I got Chinese,” she said by way of greeting. “A very traditional, but well-loved form of takeout. I thought I should ease you in to some of the weird stuff I eat.”

“Like?”

She grinned. “Oh, honey, you don’t want to know.”

“I’m tough.”

“No guy is that tough.”

They stood in the foyer. She motioned to the living room. “Do you remember my place or should I give you a tour?”

Now it was his turn to grin. “I remember everything about being here.”

It had been the night of the party for Hope. When he’d followed Crissy home to see how she’d coped with meeting Brandon for the first time. He’d stopped by to offer comfort, but he’d ended up being the one transformed.

A black and white cat strolled past them. Crissy bent down and scooped him up.

“I don’t believe you two met formally before,” she said. “This is King Edward. He has a great sense of humor, which is unusual in a cat.”

The cat was large and hairy, with big green eyes. Josh wasn’t much of a cat person, but he reached out to pat the animal.

“Hey, Eddie,” he said.

Both Crissy and the cat stiffened.

“He doesn’t like to be called that,” she whispered. “We use his full name at all times.”

“Okay. King Edward it is.”

Eddie sniffed his fingers, then raised his chin slightly as if saying he could be scratched now. Josh obliged him.

“He likes you,” Crissy said as she put the cat down. “That’s unusual.”

“I’m a likable guy.”

“I keep hearing that from other sources. Your staff was very excited to meet me.”

He remembered their questions after Crissy had left and how they’d all adored her. “I don’t get out much.”

“Apparently. I thought they were going to offer me money to keep seeing you.”

“Would you take it?”

“I’m thinking of expanding again soon, so probably. I’ll need the cash for financing.” She linked her arm with his. “Come on. I want to impress you with my ability to ladle food onto plates and heat it in the microwave. It’s an art form not enough people appreciate.”

He let her lead him into her kitchen, where she settled him on a bar stool by the island.

“I talked to Abbey this afternoon,” she said as she pulled cartons of Chinese food out of the refrigerator. “Brandon is still doing well, so I guess I can let that worry go. We did talk about how I could maybe spend the day with him. Or at least an afternoon. By myself. Just the two of us.” She bit her lower lip. “The thought terrifies me. What do you think? Can I do it? I mean I know I can, but would I get through two or three hours all right?”

“You’ll be fine.”

“I hope so.”

She continued talking, but he wasn’t listening. As he stared at her he realized he wasn’t here for dinner, or even for sex, although he had big plans in that department. He was here because he needed her. Being around her made him feel alive. She was laughter and light and he was tired of living in the dark.

CHAPTER TEN

CRISSY PACED THE width of Rachel’s classroom as her friend stacked colored paper.

“It’s three hours,” Crissy said, trying to keep the panic out of her voice. Three hours? It was a lifetime!

“I thought we’d go to one of the multientertainment venues. It’s not my thing, so I did some research. The one I like best has laser tag, video games, bumper cars, go-karts, miniature golf and boat bumpers.” She paused and grimaced. “I really don’t want to get on a tiny boat in an oversize pool, but if Brandon insists, I’ll suck it up and do it. Anyway, when we’re tired of all the activities, we can get a pizza. Afterward we can stop by some batting cages and get him ready for the season. Assuming he plays baseball. Do you think he does? Or is he more a soccer guy? I never played soccer. I don’t know very much about it.”

Rachel looked at her and laughed. “Is that all? What about a movie?”

Crissy hadn’t thought of that. “Do you think there’s time?”

“No, there isn’t time for a movie, you nut. There isn’t time for half of what you have planned. Come on. We’re talking about three hours. That’s nothing.”

“So speaks the kindergarten teacher,” Crissy mumbled. “You’re good with kids.”

“You’ve hung with Brandon before. You’ll be fine.”

“I haven’t hung out with him at all. We’ve barely spoken. Plus now he knows I’m his birth mother. Before I was just some adult. The stakes are higher now. He’s going to have expectations and I don’t know what they are. What if I let him down? What if he hates me?”

“Why would he? You’re great.” She shook her head. “I’m talking to a wall. Do me a favor and collect all the crayons lying around, then sort them into the six containers on the side table. There should be about the same amount in each container.”

“You’re just giving me busywork to distract me.”

“Maybe. You’re making yourself crazy for nothing. Look, you pick him up and drive to the game place. There’s fifteen minutes. The same taking him home. So that’s a whole half hour gone. Eating is another twenty minutes. Make that thirty, if you’re ordering a pizza. We’re talking about filling two hours. You have more than enough planned.”

Crissy knelt on the floor and began picking up crayons. “What if he hates being with me? What if I’m boring or uncool?”

“You’re a grown-up. You’re uncool by definition.”

She hated the sound of that. “But I want to be cool.”

“Sorry. That’s not how it works.”

Damn. “What do we talk about? I don’t know anything about him. Not really.”

“So ask,” Rachel said, obviously amused by the entire situation. “Have him tell you about school. What classes he likes and what he doesn’t. Does he want to play sports in high school? Is he into cars? What does he want to study in college, that sort of thing. Argue about baseball teams or football. You’re making this way too hard.”

“You’re being annoyingly rational.”

“It’s the friend’s job.”

Crissy scrambled under a small desk and grabbed three more crayons. “I guess it will be okay. I wonder how long he’ll play each video game. If I knew that I could calculate how much time that would use up.”

“Stop! Relax. Take a breath.”

“I can’t breathe. I can’t think. I can only panic.”

* * *

LATER, AS CRISSY walked to her car, she tried to think positive thoughts, but it was impossible. There were so many ways for her to fail with Brandon. She needed a better plan.

Inspiration struck as she drove down the 15 freeway. She activated her hands free cell phone and made a call.

“Hello?”

The low, male voice made her smile. “Hi, Josh. What are you doing Saturday afternoon?”

“Not much. Aren’t you seeing Brandon?”

“Uh-huh. We’re off to one of those big arcade places. Laser tag, go-karts, video games and pizza. Sound like fun?”

“Are you asking for me or for him?”

“Both. I was thinking having you along would make things easier.”

“You were, were you?”

“Uh-huh. I happen to know you find me unbelievably sexy. There would be a reward in it later. A really good one.”

“That’s tempting.”

She heard the amusement in his voice. “Come on. It’ll be fun.”

“Okay. You win. What time?”

* * *

CRISSY FELT AS if an entire butterfly marching band was practicing in her stomach. She wanted to blame the symptoms on something easy like morning sickness, but she’d yet to feel the slightest bit different on the pregnancy front. Instead she was forced to deal with the ugly truth—she was terrified.

Not scared, not nervous, but down-to-the-bone terrified that she would do something to make Brandon hate her. Or worse, think she was stupid.

She tried telling herself that everything would be fine. She and Brandon got along great. As long as they were having fun, he would be too busy to think she was stupid. If only she could believe herself.

While their time together was nothing more than an afternoon of hanging out together, to her it felt like so much more. She felt as if her entire relationship with her son was on the line. That was enough to make anyone feel a little queasy.

She pulled up in front of Abbey and Pete’s house. Before she could get all the way up the walk to the small porch, the front door opened and Brandon stepped out.

He looked as nervous as she felt. As she moved closer, she saw a little excitement in his eyes, but a lot of uncertainty. At least they had that in common.

“Hey,” she said. “Ready for a fun-packed afternoon?”

“Sure.”

They stared at each other in a moment of awkwardness. She sensed some kind of physical greeting was called for. The last time she’d stepped into this house, she’d just been a friend of the family. Now she was his birth mother. That had to rate some kind of contact. But hugging felt like pushing things and ignoring the issue seemed cold. Not knowing what else to do, Crissy offered her hand.

Brandon’s relief was instant. He took it and they shook. Weird, she thought, but a start.

The front door opened and Josh stepped out.

“Hi,” she said as their eyes met.

“Hi, yourself.”

She had no trouble imagining all sorts of fabulous physical greetings with this man. A lot of them involved being naked—perhaps not the best idea under the circumstances, but something she would want to explore later.

His smile told her he had the same sort of thing on his mind.

She loved this man, she thought in that instant. The feelings had been growing so slowly and she’d been distracted by Brandon, among other things, so she hadn’t had a chance to notice. But she loved him. He was who she’d always been waiting for.

But what would happen when he found out about the baby? Would everything work out or was there a long, ugly road of pain ahead?

“Uncle Josh is coming with us,” Brandon said. “That’s okay, isn’t it?”

“I think it’s a great idea,” she told him, refusing to think about what might happen. Instead she would focus on today and spending time with her son. “With three of us, we can be our own laser tag team.”

His eyes widened. “We’re gonna play laser tag?”

“You bet. I’m thinking that we’re going to kick some serious butt. What do you think?”

Brandon grinned. “They’re going down.”

* * *

“FANTASTIC FUN” WAS a multiacre complex with every possible way to spend money on a kid. Crissy had gone online and purchased a day pass, allowing them access to all the activities—except video games. While she had ideas about what she wanted to do, she wanted to give Brandon the chance to make some choices, too.

“Cool car,” Brandon said as Crissy locked the vehicle.

She smiled at her BMW 330i. “It was a gift from me to me. Sort of a self-congratulations for a job well done with my business.”

“Sweet ride,” he said, sounding closer to sixteen than twelve.

“Don’t get your hopes up,” Josh said, grabbing the boy around the neck and rubbing his knuckles across his head. “You’re a long way from driving.”

“But when I get there, maybe I can borrow her car.”

“Or maybe not,” Crissy said, wincing at the thought of a new driver taking the BMW out for a joyride. “We’ll have to wait and see how things go.”

“I’m very responsible,” Brandon said with a grin. “Just ask my mom.” His humor faded. “My, ah, other mom.”

Great. They weren’t even across the parking lot and already they were in awkward land.

Crissy put her hand on his arm. “Brandon, Abbey is your mom. She’ll always be your mom. I’m Crissy. Unless you have another name you want to call me.” She paused for effect. “One that I would have to approve.”

That earned her a sweet smile. “Okay. Crissy’s good. For now.”

“If you call her Queen Crissy, you might have a better chance with the car,” Josh offered.

Crissy eyed him. “You’re supposed to be neutral, big guy. Like Switzerland.”

“All right, Uncle Josh,” Brandon said. “Great idea. Queen Crissy. I like it.”

They were still laughing when they walked inside.

After an intense discussion about where to start their fun, they decided on laser tag. Vests, goggles and laser guns were provided, along with a map of the course.

The three of them huddled together to scope out the competition.

“Them,” Brandon said, pointing to a group of giggling teenage girls. “They aren’t going to be into the game. They’ll be slow and shoot bad. We can totally annihilate them.”

“So speaks the compassionate member of our team,” Crissy murmured, wanting to defend her gender, but knowing Brandon was right.

“We’re here to win,” he told her. “That family should be next.” He pointed to a father, mother and two little boys about five and six. “They’re too young to be good.”

“Culling the weakest members of the herd,” Josh whispered into her ear. “Your gene pool at work.”

She grinned. “If we were still hunting the woolly mammoth, I’d want Brandon on my team.”

“So would I.”

They fleshed out the rest of their strategy, which included staying together to protect each other’s backs, along with scouting expeditions to scope out any ringers in hiding.

Once inside the dusky corridors of the laser tag course, Crissy found herself getting seriously into the game. She no longer cared about defending her gender or giving the teenage girls a break. Instead she wanted the highest possible score.

They moved purposefully, staying together. The corridor opened into three possible routes.

“On your right,” Crissy yelled, seeing movement in that direction.

Both Josh and Brandon turned and fired. Crissy instinctively turned the other way in time to fire on the father of the family.

Twenty minutes later they pored over their score sheet. Their total hits as a team was more than double anyone else’s in the maze with them.

“Not that we had a lot of competition,” Crissy said. “Brandon, you did great. Look at your number of shots and your number of hits. Your accuracy is just over eighty percent. Josh, you’re barely at sixty percent. You’re going to have to be on probation.”

“I have other skills,” he muttered, then took the sheet from her. “What about you, missy? You think you’re so hot and... Oh.”

Brandon grinned. “Look, Uncle Josh. She kicked our butt. Jeez, Crissy, your accuracy is higher than mine and you got off more shots.”

“I’m competitive,” she said primly. “Don’t mess with me during a game.”

“I guess not,” Josh said. “I think it’s time to even things up. Now we’re going to play a game that I can win at, what with being a doctor and all.”

Crissy groaned. “No way. It’s boring.”

“It’s a game of skill and patience. I have both.”

“What’s he talking about?” Brandon asked.

“Golf,” she said with a sigh. “Or in this case, miniature golf.”

Twenty minutes later, Josh was kicking both their butts.

“It’s all his putting practice,” Crissy told Brandon. “We can’t compete against that. Those doctors and their golf games.”

Although in Josh’s case, his victory had to be about something other than his skill at golf. She happened to know that he rarely took time off and that he didn’t play much golf. His patients got nearly all his attention.

They stood on the fifth hole and faced the slow-moving windmill.

“The trick with this one is timing,” Josh said confidently. “Watch how the blades move. You’ll need to shoot between them.”

“Are they really called blades?” Crissy asked. “Aren’t they something else?”

“I have no idea.”

“We could go back to my place and look it up on the computer.”

Josh patted her shoulder. “Sorry, no. We’re staying through the whole game. A game, I would like to point out, you’re losing.”

“I hate this game. It’s stupid.”

Brandon grinned at her. “Come on, Crissy. You have to learn how to lose gracefully.”

“Never. I pout when I lose.”

They made it through the turning blades and down onto the second level of the hole. Crissy had been nervous about spending time with Brandon, but everything was going smoothly. He was easy to be with, she thought. A fun, funny, smart kid. Her kid.

She felt a tightness inside. A longing and a powerful sense of regret. If only...

She shook her head. If only what? If only she’d kept Brandon? If she had, he wouldn’t be this charming boy. He would be someone else. Who he was now was a result of Pete and Abbey’s influence. They had done so much for him. She would always be grateful. Yes, she had regrets, but they were selfishly about her. Knowing all she knew now, she wouldn’t wish for anything better for her son.

He caught her looking at him and smiled. She smiled back.

“I talked to Mom about what you said,” he told her. “About giving me up for adoption. I know you were trying to tell me that it wasn’t about me.”

Her good mood evaporated. Oh God. Was he emotionally scarred? Angry? Depressed?

“It wasn’t,” she said. “Do you understand that?”

“Yeah. She explained it real well. She said it was like the difference between me, Emma and Hope. They’re a lot younger than me and can’t do stuff I can do. When they get older, they’ll be better at it, you know. You were young when you got pregnant. You didn’t know how to be a mom or raise a kid. It would have been hard for you and not very good for me. So you found someone who was ready to have a baby.”

He shrugged. “It worked out for the best. I love my mom and dad. Now that you’re older, you can cope with me and we can be friends.”

He sounded so rational and together, she thought, amazed and more grateful to Abbey than she could say.

“So we’re okay?” she asked.

He grinned. “Uh-huh. But Uncle Josh is going to brag about beating us for the rest of the day.”

“We can’t let that happen. We’ll try harder.”

“There’s no point,” Josh said smugly. “I’m in my element.”

The rest of the time flew by. Crissy couldn’t believe it when she glanced at her watch and saw they were already ten minutes late returning Brandon. She called Abbey who was delighted the outing had gone so well, then herded both guys to her car and drove back.

When they reached the house, Brandon jumped out. “That was fun,” he said. “Can we do it again?”

“Absolutely. I was thinking one weekend we could go to an Angels game.”

His eyes lit up. “That would be great. I love baseball.”

“Me, too.”

He ran around the car and threw his arms around her. Slowly, carefully, she hugged him back.

He was tall and skinny, all bones and muscle. Not a little boy anymore but still her child. Emotions flooded her—mostly good ones, with a hint of sadness for what could never be recovered, even if she didn’t want it to be. Then he was running up to the house and going inside.

“You okay?” Josh asked.

Crissy nodded as she blinked. “I’m not going to cry. I’m not sad at all. I’m happy. It was just a lot to take in.”

“He likes you.”

“I like him.”

“You’re going to be good for him. You’ll be someone he can go to for advice. When he grows up, he’ll talk about you to his kids and they’ll hear the love in his voice when he does.”

She swallowed. “Trying not to cry here. You could help by not saying stuff like that.”

“Sorry.”

But he didn’t sound sorry. He sounded pleased.

“Thanks for coming along,” she told him. “I was so scared.”

“I know, but it worked out.”

“Because you were there. It would have been awkward otherwise.”

He moved close and kissed her on the forehead. “You’re doing great. Trust your instincts.”

“I will.”

He glanced at his watch. “I need to swing by the hospital. I want to check on a couple of kids. What are you going to do?”

“Go thank Abbey for everything, then head home.”

“I’ll call you later.”

“I’d like that.”

When he’d driven off, Crissy walked up to the house and knocked on the front door. Abbey let her in.

“Brandon can’t stop talking about what a great time he had with you. You’ve made a fan.”

Crissy impulsively hugged her. “Because of you, Abbey. I can’t thank you enough. You’ve been great.”

Abbey hugged her back, then waved her toward the kitchen. “I’ll take the praise because I like it, but you’re making too big a deal out of this. I just did what anyone else would do.”

“I don’t think so. You’ve been amazingly generous. Brandon told me what you said to him, about why I gave him up for adoption. He understood perfectly. You always know exactly what to say.”

“I wish.” She walked over to the sink and washed her hands, then dried them, rubbed them with flour and began kneading dough.

Crissy had heard about the process of baking bread, but she’d never seen it before. “You do that a lot, don’t you?”

“A couple of times a week. It’s how I relax.”

“I go for a jog or eat ice cream.”

“I can get behind the ice cream suggestion. As for the whole jogging thing...” Abbey paused, frowned, then shook her head. “Nope. Never jogged in my life. I have no real plans to change that, either.”

“You have other qualities.” Crissy sat on the stool by the island. “You didn’t have to be so nice.”

“Neither did you. We’re all delighted this is working out. Brandon needs you and I think you need him.”

Crissy could agree with the latter, even as she questioned the former. But she liked the sound of being needed by her son, so she would go with it.

“I have a question,” she said, wondering if she was about to be incredibly personal and/or rude. “But if you don’t want to answer it, you don’t have to.”

“That sounds intriguing,” Abbey teased. “Unfortunately my life isn’t that interesting, so I’m going to guess your question isn’t about me.”

“It’s about Josh.”

“And?”

Crissy looked at her. “He’s wonderful with his patients. I’ve seen him interact with them. He’s great with your kids. But when he and I were talking, he said he didn’t want children of his own. What do you know about that?”

Abbey sighed. “He said that?”

Crissy nodded.

“I was hoping it was just a phase he would get over, but apparently not.”

“A phase?”

“I’m being a horrible person,” Abbey said. “I know that, so just go with it. The no-children thing is because of Stacey. She couldn’t have children. Something I can relate to. When Josh told me, I thought it might be something we could bond over. You know, a shared experience to bring us closer.”

“You weren’t close?”

Abbey hesitated. “Not really. I didn’t... Let’s just say Stacey wasn’t my favorite person.”

“You’re kidding. I thought she was a saint or something. Josh met her while she was visiting sick kids in the hospital.”

“Drama queen is more like it,” Abbey muttered. “Okay, forget I said that. Stacey had to deal with a lot of tragedy in her life. She was sick and knew that when the cancer came back it would kill her. That’s enough to make anyone wonky. But she carried it to the extreme. I had problems when I was younger, but you don’t hear me talking about them. I’m healthy and I want to live my life. But not her. Talking to Stacey was like living in a gothic novel. Everything was doom and gloom. When I mentioned adoption, she refused to discuss it. It was too wrong for her to take in a child when she could be dead by morning on any given day.”

Abbey dropped her chin to her chest. “I sound awful. I know I do. Stacey went through so much more than anyone should. She suffered greatly and in the end, the cancer came back and killed her. It’s just...it’s almost as if...” She looked at Crissy. “I swear I’m going to hell, but it’s almost as if she was happy when it did. Like it proved everything she’d said.”

Crissy didn’t know what to think. This picture of Stacey wasn’t at all like the saint she’d thought Josh had married. And speaking of Josh...

“What did he have to say about Stacey’s behavior?”

“He’s a guy.” Abbey rolled her eyes. “He was crazy in love with her sweet spirit and frailness. He got to take care of her, which he seemed to like. Every moment was precious, because it might be their last. Honestly? It made me mad. Before Stacey, Josh never said he didn’t want kids. It had never come up in conversation, but I figured he was like Pete—ready for a big family. But once Stacey was in his life, he claimed he never wanted children. It was all about her.”

Crissy was still taking it all in. “I don’t know what to think. I’d wondered if his attitude might be about Stacey, but does that make it better or worse? Is admitting he wants children now a betrayal of Stacey and if it is, will he let himself?”

“I don’t know,” Abbey admitted. “But if you’re asking the question, I’m assuming things are getting serious.”

“A little. Maybe. I like him. He’s a great guy. I want to believe we have a future.”

Abbey laughed. “If I didn’t have dough hands, I’d hug you right now. This is great. I was hoping the two of you would get together more permanently. You’re exactly the kind of woman Josh should be with. And he’s a great guy. Next to Pete, he’s about as good as they come.”

“Next to Pete?”

“I can’t help that I married the best.”

Crissy smiled, then let the smile fade. “There are so many complications. His work, his past, the kids thing. I want a family.”

“I really think he does, too,” Abbey said. “The big question is will he let himself admit that? I don’t have an answer. The good news is you have time on your side.”

Less than she thought. Crissy was going to tell Josh in the next week or so. Which meant he would have to get over his past really fast or they would be dealing with it.

“What?” Abbey asked. “You’re thinking something.”

“It’s not important.”

“It looked important. Am I prying?”

“No, I just don’t want to put you in the middle.”

“Of... Oh. You and Josh. But how could I?” Her mouth dropped opened. “Oh! You’re...are you pregnant?”

Crissy wasn’t sure if she was happy or sorry Abbey knew. “You’re going to have to keep it quiet for a few days. Until I tell him.”

Abbey beamed. “But you are. Pregnant! That’s wonderful.”

“I’m not so sure,” Crissy admitted. “I mean I’m thrilled about the baby. I want to start a family. But now? Like this? I don’t know what Josh is going to think. He might be furious or feel I trapped him or something.”

“Did you?”

“Of course not.”

“Then don’t worry about it. He’ll understand.”

Crissy wasn’t so sure.

“There’s also the complication of Brandon. What is he going to think when he finds out I’m pregnant again but this time I’m keeping the baby? Won’t he feel rejected all over again?”

Abbey sighed. “I hadn’t thought about that. We’ll talk about it and he’ll understand. It may take a bit, but he’ll get it. He really cares about you.”

For how long? “I didn’t mean to make this much trouble for everyone.”

“A baby is never trouble,” Abbey said. “It’s a miracle. It’s time you found that out for yourself. As for Josh, I know it’s scary to think how he might react. But give him a chance. Maybe he’ll surprise you in a good way.”

“I hope so.”

They talked for a few more minutes, then Crissy left. She’d barely turned the corner when her cell phone rang. She pushed the voice activation button on her steering wheel.

“Hello?”

“Crissy? It’s Dev. We’re at the hospital. Noelle’s having the baby.”

* * *

RACHEL AND CARTER were already in the waiting room when Crissy arrived. Rachel raced over. “She’s close. Really close. They’ve taken her into delivery. She looked good and she says it’s not so bad.” Rachel’s fingers dug into her arm. “Tell me it’s not so bad.”

“You’ll be fine. They have drugs if the pain gets bad.”

“Right. Drugs.”

Carter took her free hand in his. “Come on. Relax. You’re a long way from giving birth. It will be fine.”

“You don’t actually know that. It’s easy to be all calming and superior when you’re not planning on passing a bowling ball through a pinhead in a few months.”

“Point taken.”

Crissy laughed. Being around Carter and Rachel was always a fun time. They, like Noelle and Dev, were a perfect couple. Watching them together made the world seem like a better place.

Rachel looked at her. “Do you remember anything from when you had Brandon?”

“Not really. It was fairly quick. I was scared and I just wanted it over.”

She’d been so young, she thought sadly. Even though her mother had been with her, along with Abbey, she’d felt alone. Probably the guilt talking. Now, looking back on that teenager, she could be more compassionate.

“She’ll be fine,” Rachel said, almost chanting. “I’ll be fine, you’ll be fine. So much fineness. Fine. Fine. Fine.”

Carter looked at Crissy and mouthed “Help!”

Crissy nodded and took Rachel’s arm. “Come on, you. Let’s take a walk. Remember how you mocked me about my terror at spending three hours with Brandon? I’m going to return the favor. You’ll love it.”

Rachel groaned. “I didn’t even ask. How was it? Did everything go okay?”

“It was great.” Crissy led her into the corridor. “We talked, we bonded. I’m really happy. I think he and I are going to have a great relationship.”

“So that’s good, right?”

“Uh-huh.”

Crissy distracted her with idle talk until they reached the nursery. Rachel touched the glass separating her from the newborns and sighed.

“Look at them. They’re so beautiful. Those tiny little faces. They’re all wrapped up. I read about that. It’s to make them feel safe, like they were in the womb. Oh, I want a baby.”

Me, too, Crissy thought. “You’re having one. In just a few months.”

Rachel touched her stomach and smiled. “Hurry up, little one. We want to see you.”

“Better?” Crissy asked.

“Much. The panic has totally faded.”

Carter rounded the corner and hurried toward them. “She had the baby. A girl. Everything is good. Dev looks pale but proud. Noelle says as soon as she gets to her room you’re to come right in and you can hold little Mindy yourselves.”

* * *

IT WAS EARLY evening by the time Crissy pulled up in front of Josh’s town house. They’d spoken on the phone earlier and she’d told him about the baby. He’d invited her over for dinner...and breakfast. An invitation she couldn’t refuse.

As she walked up to the front door, she found she couldn’t stop smiling. Holding Noelle’s newborn had been an incredible experience.

“You look happy,” Josh said as he opened the door. “Everything okay with the new family?”

“It’s perfect.” She stepped inside and kissed him. “Noelle sailed through delivery with no problems. Mindy is beautiful and perfect. I had no idea babies smelled so good. They let me hold her and I never wanted to give her back.”

Josh’s expression didn’t change, which made her wonder what he was thinking. This seemed like as good a time as any to find out...and to tell the truth.

“I’m just about to start dinner,” he said. “I didn’t know when you’d be coming by.”

“Before you do, I need to tell you something.”

His gaze never left hers. “A good something or a bad something?”

“I think it’s the best. I hope you will, too.” Now that she’d picked the moment, she didn’t know what to say.

“Crissy?”

“Right. I should talk. The thing is neither of us is to blame. We were caught off guard by the moment. It happened. We should have planned better, but we didn’t. Oh, damn. I’m not saying this right. I guess the biggest point is that I’m happy. So happy. Delighted, bordering on giddy.”

She took both his hands in hers. “I’m pregnant, Josh. From that first night we were together. We’re having a baby.”

CHAPTER ELEVEN

JOSH STARED AT CRISSY. He felt as if he were underwater. He couldn’t seem to move and nothing looked right.

Then it hit him—a crushing weight of guilt. It slammed into him, knocking the breath out of him. He couldn’t have a child with Crissy. It was wrong on more levels than he could count.

Without having to close his eyes, he saw Stacey in the room. The hurt in her eyes, the sadness in her expression. A child with someone else? What right did he have to experience that when she’d never been able to?

Time bent and it was years before he’d married her. Back when he’d proposed three times and been turned down each time.

Finally he’d cornered her, emotionally and physically. “What the hell is your problem?” he’d asked, angry by her constant refusal, the anger hiding his pain at being rejected by the only woman he’d ever loved.

She’d faced him, her violet eyes dark with tears, her mouth quivering. “I can’t give you a child,” she whispered, her voice so quiet, he’d had to strain to hear her. “I’m not physically capable of carrying a child to term. I don’t think it’s right to adopt when the cancer could return at any time. You want to have a real family and I can’t give you that. Go be with someone who can.”

At that moment he’d known her greatest fear was being rejected for her physical imperfections. On the outside, she was as beautiful as an angel, but on the inside, she had been twisted by a disease that couldn’t be controlled.

“I don’t want children.”

He’d said the words without thinking, yet as soon as he spoke them, he knew them to be true. They felt right.

“I don’t want children,” he repeated with conviction. “I want you.”

It had taken him nearly two months to convince her he meant what he said. Only then, when she was sure she wasn’t taking anything from him, had she said yes.

The past bent, then snapped. He was left staring at Crissy, at her expression of happiness and delight. Emotions he could never share on this topic.

“No,” he said firmly, knowing he couldn’t will the child away. “I don’t want a child with you.”

She gasped and took a step back.

“What the hell were you thinking?” he demanded. “How could you do this? Did you plan it? Are you trying to trap me?”

“What?”

The entire situation was wrong. He got that now. He should never have gone out with her, cared about her. He didn’t have the right.

“Are you crazy?” She glared at him. “Why would I want to trap you? I don’t need a man in my life. This just happened. Don’t you remember that first night we were together? You came to me. You walked into my house to find out if I was all right. So what exactly would my plan have been? After twelve years I realized that the son I’d given up for adoption had an uncle who didn’t want children. Perfect, I thought. Now I’ll get involved with the family, act all broken so he’ll come over, seduce me and then I can have his baby?”

He knew she was telling the truth—that his charge was ridiculous. So why did he feel so compelled to make it? Why did he want to lash out at her?

“If anyone was doing the using around here, it was you,” she told him, putting her hands on her hips and glaring. “You’d been doing without for a long, long time. You got an itch and decided to use me to scratch it. Don’t come crying to me because you forgot to use protection and you got caught.”

More guilt filled him, but this time it had nothing to do with Stacey. Crissy was right about the itch. He’d never meant to use her but a case could be made that he had.

“Crissy,” he began.

She cut him off. “No, Josh. You don’t get to say all those things to me and then expect everything to be fine. We’re having a baby. Doesn’t that mean anything to you?”

“It means you finally get what you want. You regretted giving up Brandon and now you have someone to take his place.”

“What?”

“It’s true. I’ll agree that I have to take responsibility for the pregnancy. My excuse is I haven’t had to deal with birth control in nearly ten years. Stacey couldn’t have children. It wasn’t an issue. As I haven’t been with anyone else since she died, I don’t think about keeping condoms around. What’s your excuse? You date. Why weren’t you prepared?”

She pressed her lips together. “I just wasn’t.”

“Great reason. You might want to think of a better one. Maybe you did see this as an opportunity to have the child you now want. Who cares if I didn’t want to take that on? This is all a game to you and I’m not playing.”

“A game? It’s never been that. I can’t believe you’re accusing me of having an ulterior motive. As far as I’m concerned, we’re equally responsible. You don’t want kids. Fine. You don’t have to have them. Here’s a news flash. I don’t need you to have this baby. I’m more than willing to sign anything you want saying you give up your rights and I give up the right to child support. Does that make it better?”

“It’s not that simple.” Even though he wanted it to be.

“Sure it is. I’m more than prepared to be a single mother.”

“For how long? You’ve made a career out of running from your emotional responsibilities.”

She flinched as if he’d hit her and he knew then he’d crossed the line. That he’d damaged whatever had existed between them.

“I don’t get it,” she said slowly. “I thought you were the best kind of man. I thought you were amazing and kind and loving. I knew you still loved Stacey, but I thought that was about having a heart that didn’t let go. I see now you were just masquerading as someone I thought I could love. In reality you’re nothing more than a cruel, selfish bastard. I don’t regret being pregnant. I want this baby. I just wish you weren’t the father.”

She picked up her purse and walked out the door. When it slammed shut behind her, he was left alone.

* * *

BY SATURDAY MORNING Crissy knew she had to snap out of her mood funk, for the health of the baby if nothing else. She felt lost and unfocused, and there was an ache inside that refused to go away.

She hated that she kept waiting for Josh to call and say it had been a horrible mistake. That he’d momentarily been possessed by aliens and in truth he was delighted about the baby and longed to be with both their child and her. That he loved her with a fierceness that defied description. Barring that, she would accept a decent apology.

Neither was forthcoming.

She tried to focus on her work, because at least that was a distraction, but she couldn’t find her usual joy in her business.

“Things will get better,” she told herself. They had to, right?

Finally, unable to stand just sitting around and moping, she went into the small bathroom attached to her office and changed into the workout clothes she kept on site. She was nearly out the door when the phone rang. It was her private line.

She hated the sudden burst of hope in her chest and how much she longed to hear Josh’s voice. Where was her pride and sense of self-preservation? Was she one of those stupid women who let herself be emotionally beat up by the same guy over and over again?

Apparently, she thought grimly as she hurried back to her desk and grabbed the phone.

“Hello?”

“It’s Abbey. I hope I’m not disturbing you, but I have a handsome guy standing here who wants to ask you something.”

“Mo-om!”

The disgusted tone was audible and made her smile. Okay, so it wasn’t Josh, but it was still a call she wanted to take.

“Am I embarrassing you?” Abbey asked cheerfully.

“You know you are. You like embarrassing me.”

“I kind of do. Here you go.”

“Hey, Crissy.”

“Good morning,” she said, happy to hear her son’s voice. “What’s up in your world?”

“Not much. Look, Emma is at her girlfriend’s house and Dad’s taking Hope to some stupid petting zoo. They asked me to go with them.” He sounded outraged. “To a petting zoo. I’m practically a teenager.”

“Horrifying.”

“Yeah. Anyway, do you want to come over for lunch? We have leftover Chinese from last night and it’s really good. I thought we could hang out for a while.”

Some of her pain eased. “I’d like that a lot.”

They settled on a time. Five minutes later Crissy cranked up the incline on a treadmill and set the speed to six miles an hour. Between now and her lunch date, she was going to run away from her problems.

* * *

“DAD THINKS I should be a doctor, like Uncle Josh,” Brandon said between bites of kung pao chicken. “I don’t know. I want to play baseball. I guess you can’t play forever. Guys get old and stuff. I could always be a doctor then.”

“The medical profession will love knowing it’s your fallback position,” Crissy teased. “Depending on how long you play baseball, you could be really old when you go to medical school. Like maybe thirty.”

Brandon shrank back in his chair. “Thirty? Can you still learn stuff then?”

“Those of us in our thirties muddle through,” Abbey said. “There are people in college in their seventies.”

He rolled his eyes. “Why? They’re not going to get a job or anything.”

“Some people like to learn things because learning is fun and interesting,” Abbey said. “Some people like school.”

Brandon looked as confused as if she’d just spoken Mandarin.

“Don’t you like school?” Crissy asked.

He shrugged. “Most of the time. I like math and science. I like to read, but not as much as Emma. If she could be a book, she’d be really happy. History is dumb and I hate writing papers.”

“Typical jock,” Abbey murmured, then looked at Crissy. “I totally blame you for that. You’re so athletic. And his birth father was a jock. Couldn’t you have fallen for someone intellectual?”

Crissy laughed. “Sorry. Next time I’m in high school and getting in trouble, I’ll choose someone different.”

“It can’t be helped now,” Abbey said, looking at her son.

Brandon laughed. “Come on, Mom. You love me just the way I am. You don’t want me to be different.”

“Oh, I don’t know. A son who cleans his room could be exciting. At least it would be a change.”

He sighed heavily. “I’ll clean my room. I promise.”

“The deadline is Sunday by one. And yes, we’re going to church, so don’t think you can use that time to do it.”

He picked up his plate and carried it to the counter. “I guess I should go do it now, huh?”

Abbey shrugged. “It’s your call. Your room—your responsibility.”

He turned to Crissy. “See what she’s like?”

“You’re pretty lucky and you know it.”

He grinned. “I’m not saying that.” Then he ran out of the room.

Crissy watched him go. “You’re amazing with him.”

“He makes it easy. Which is also your responsibility.”

“I guess I don’t mind taking the credit, even though I don’t deserve it.”

Abbey passed over the container of pot stickers. “How are you doing? You seem... I don’t know. Tired maybe.”

“I have a lot on my mind. Before I forget, I wanted to ask your opinion about Brandon and the baby.” Crissy glanced toward the doorway to make sure they were still alone. “Telling him. I was thinking of waiting until I’m showing a little. Eight months before the actual birth seems excessive. What do you think?”

“I agree. Waiting isn’t a problem. He’ll still have plenty of time to deal with the situation.”

“Do you think it’s going to be hard for him?” Crissy asked. “I worry about that. About him thinking I didn’t care about him, but I care about this child.”

“I don’t know how he’ll handle it,” Abbey told her. “But I do know we’ll tell him together, in a supportive environment and that we’ll get through whatever his reaction is. We’re his family and he knows that. I have a feeling everything is going to be fine.”

Crissy hoped she was right. “Have you talked to Josh?”

“Not in a few days. He hasn’t been around. What—” Abbey grimaced. “You told him, didn’t you? From the look on your face, I’m going to guess it didn’t go well.”

“It was a disaster.” Crissy set down her fork. “I don’t get it. I thought I knew him. I thought we had a connection that mattered to him. He totally freaked. He accused me of tricking him so that I could get pregnant. Worse, he flat out said he didn’t want a child with me.”

She did her best to stay strong as she spoke the words, but it was hard. Emotions welled up inside of her, making her hurt again.

“He didn’t mean that,” Abbey said.

“He sounded fairly sure.”

“He thinks he means it, which isn’t the same thing. You have to know he’s reacting to his past rather than to you, right?”

“Even if that’s true, does it matter? If he can’t let go of the past, then we don’t have a chance. I really thought he was the one.”

Tears filled her eyes. She did her best to blink them away.

“I thought he was great,” Crissy went on. “The guy you wait your whole life to meet. Now I’m not so sure. Did I make him what I wanted him to be? Did I create the perfect man out of a normal guy with a few problems? Everyone has problems—I’m good with that. But I’m not sure I can handle Josh’s. I’ll never be Stacey. And until he’s willing to let her go, he can’t be someone I can love and he won’t be a father to our child.”

Abbey bit her lower lip. “I’m so sorry. I hate that this is happening. I know in my heart that Josh has to be excited about the baby.”

“If he is, he’s doing a heck of a job convincing me otherwise.”

“Don’t be mad at him,” Abbey said. “This is all my fault.”

“I can’t wait to hear how.”

“That first night you were here, I could see he was attracted to you. He hadn’t dated since Stacey’s death and I was getting on him about going out more. I told him to find someone and have sex before he forgot how. I just didn’t think he would do it that night.”

Crissy smiled. “I hate to burst your bubble of self-importance, but you have nothing to do with what happened. As much as Josh adores you, he wouldn’t go out and have sex just because you told him to.”

“I want to believe that,” Abbey said, looking miserable.

“Does he ever do what you say?”

“Oh.” Her expression cleared. “Not really.”

“Why would he this time?”

“I like your logic,” Abbey told her. “But that doesn’t solve the problem. Give him time. I think he’ll come around.”

“I hope so,” Crissy murmured, knowing she would love for Josh to be a part of the baby’s life, not to mention her own. But only if he did so with an open heart.

“Are you nervous about the baby?” Abbey asked.

“A little. So far I’m not thinking much about being pregnant. It’s so new that I—”

She stopped talking when Abbey held up her hand. The other woman put her fingers to her lips and quietly rose. She moved to the doorway and looked down the hall, then returned to the table.

“Sorry,” she said. “I thought I heard a noise. Brandon found out you were his birth mother by listening in on a conversation between Pete and me. It’s kind of a thing with him, and we’re doing our best to break him of the habit.”

“I’m glad you checked,” Crissy said. “This isn’t how I want him to find out he’s going to have a half brother or sister.”

“Agreed. Anyway, you were saying you were in denial about the baby.”

“Not denial exactly, but I’m not thinking about it every minute. I’m okay with being a single mother, at least intellectually. I’m financially secure, I have a support group, I run my own company, so my hours can be as flexible as I want them to be.”

“You have me,” Abbey said. “I want to be considered part of your support group. I’ve raised three babies, so I’m experienced with the whole newborn thing.”

“I’m happy to hear that. You’re my total mother role model.”

Abbey smiled. “You’re sweet to say so, but I’ve made mistakes. Pete helps a lot, too. He’s great with the kids.”

“I want Josh to be like that,” Crissy admitted. “I want him to be excited and involved. I can’t believe he would walk away from his own child.”

“He won’t,” Abbey told her. “Like I said—give him time.”

But would time be enough? “It won’t work if he’s not willing to move on,” she said slowly. “Which can be harder than it should be. I felt so guilty about giving up Brandon, I didn’t let myself move on for years. What if Josh is the same way? If he takes too long, he’ll lose so much with the baby.”

“Are you willing to give him a chance?” Abbey asked.

“Of course. I love him. But he has to be willing to take a chance, too.”

* * *

TOMMY WAS SEVEN and totally into airplanes. He wanted to be a commercial pilot when he grew up, but that was only after flying fighter jets for the air force. He already knew more about planes than Josh did and he wanted to go to an air show for his eighth birthday.

Josh’s job was to make sure he lived until that birthday.

He checked Tommy’s chart, then walked into his room. There were posters of airplanes on the wall and several stuffed animals piled on the bed. Tommy’s mother slept in the bed next to her son’s and even in sleep, she looked exhausted.

Josh moved quietly, not wanting to bother either of them. As he reached out to lightly touch Tommy’s face, he braced for the heat of a fever brought on by the aggressive chemo he had prescribed.

It was a classic choice of two evils. If Tommy didn’t have the chemo, his cancer would kill him. But the chemo was almost a death sentence itself. Symptoms varied, but in this child it had produced raging fevers that kept spiking at terrifying temperatures.

There was an ice bath kept at the ready and in the past thirty-six hours, the nurses had used it twice.

His fingers brushed against cool, damp skin. Josh frowned. Damp? Why would—

Not daring to hope, he gently pulled back the covers and saw Tommy’s pajamas plastered to his body. They were soaked, as was the bedding.

“Hot damn!” he said, louder than he meant to. Tommy’s mother opened her eyes and sat up.

“What happened?” she asked, already on her feet and moving to her son. “Is it his fever? Should I call the nurse?”

He grabbed her hand and put it on Tommy’s thin chest. In the light spilling in from the corridor, he saw her face transform from terror to wonder.

“The fever’s broken,” she whispered. “It’s broken. That’s good, right?”

“It’s better than good. It means he beat the chemo and he’ll be all right. I’ll have the nurse come in to change his bed and check his temperature, but it’s way down.”

“Thank you,” she said, then put her hand over her mouth as tears trickled down her cheeks. “Thank you. No one else would take a chance on him. You’ve saved him.”

“Not yet,” he told her. “But we’re in a much better place than we were.”

He started to leave. She grabbed his coat sleeve and held him in place.

“You always do this,” she said. “Come here in the middle of the night. I want you to know how much that means to us. I’m sure it makes your wife crazy, so would you please tell her thank you from my husband and me? Remind her what a great guy she married. While you’re at it, tell your kids they’re lucky to have you for their dad.”

He nodded because there was no point in telling her he wasn’t married and didn’t have any children. Instead he went to the nursing station to request they change Tommy’s bed, then he wrote the results of his visit in the boy’s chart.

It was late and the hospital was about as quiet as it ever got. He was exhausted. At home he could go to bed, even if he couldn’t sleep. He hadn’t been sleeping much since Crissy had told him about the baby. But trying to rest made sense. Still, instead of heading for the parking garage, he took the elevator down two floors and walked toward the newborn nursery.

There were seven infants sleeping in their bassinets. Just beyond the glass wall, he saw a nurse rocking a fussy baby. She moved with an age-old rhythm that was as instinctive as breathing.

He had loved his wife with a passion he’d thought would live forever. Her passing had nearly destroyed him. So now, four years later, did he have the right to start over?

He hated that he even had to ask the question, but he couldn’t help himself. In the darkness, when he was alone and there was no one around, he could admit that yes, a part of him did want a child. His child. Crissy’s child.

If he were to pick any woman in the world to be his baby’s mother, she would be the one. He admired so many things about her and he knew she would be fiercely loving and nurturing.

She was also an innocent party in all this and he owed her an apology. He’d been wrong in his accusations, lashing out because he’d been stunned by her announcement.

How was he supposed to reconcile what had happened with Crissy with his relationship with Stacey? He’d told Stacey he didn’t want children and he’d meant it. But if he admitted he wanted this child with Crissy, didn’t that make everything about his marriage a lie? Didn’t that make him a bastard?

How could he deal with the guilt and find peace? How could he be the man Crissy and his baby deserved?

There were no answers in the night. Just the sleeping newborns and the ache in his chest that told him he very much wanted to be a father and damn the consequences.

CHAPTER TWELVE

JOSH WAITED UNTIL the next morning before going to Crissy’s house. He thought about calling first, but had the feeling she might refuse to see him. After what he’d said before, he’d earned her anger.

So he showed up at seven-thirty with Starbucks coffee and a bag of scones. She answered after the first ring.

She was in the perfect state of almost-ready when women are most beautiful. Her makeup was on, but she wore a robe instead of a suit. Hot rollers covered her head and she had a brush in her hand.

He’d been in pain since she told him about the baby, but this time, when he looked at her and felt the ache, it had a very different cause. He ached because he wanted her. Not just in his bed, but in his life. He wanted to talk to her and share dreams with her. He wasn’t prepared to say he loved her, but with time, that could come, too.

“I have a meeting this morning,” she said by way of greeting. “I don’t have a lot of time.”

“Then I’ll talk fast. Can I come in?”

She eyed the coffee. “I’m supposed to stay away from caffeine.”

“I brought you decaf.”

“In theory a good thing,” she muttered, taking it from him and stepping aside so he could enter her house.

He followed her into the kitchen and set down the scones. She shoved her brush into her robe pocket and turned to face him.

“What do you want?”

Not exactly the response he’d hoped for but he knew he was going to have to earn his way back to her good side.

“I want to apologize,” he said, trying to put as much conviction in his voice as possible. “My reaction to your announcement was wrong in more ways than I can count. I know you didn’t set me up. It was ridiculous for me to go there. I was wrong to accuse you of running away from responsibilities. I’m sure there are other things I said that I shouldn’t have and I apologize for them as well. I’m sorry, Crissy. I mean it.”

She stared at him for a long time, then looked down at her coffee. “It’s not that simple, Josh. I know I’m supposed to accept your apology so that everything could be fine between us, but that would be a lie. I hate what you said and even more, I hate that you thought it in the first place. I’m not the kind of woman who tricks men. Why don’t you know that?”

“I do. I reacted out of a lot of stuff that has nothing to do with you. My past. Issues with Stacey. That all crashed in on me.”

She raised her head and stared at him. “You’re wrong. All that stuff does have something to do with me. Your past makes you who you are. It will always affect me.”

She was right. She was the kind of woman who would always be right. It could make a guy crazy, if he let it. Josh planned on enjoying the ride.

“I can’t change my past, but I can learn to manage it better,” he said. “As to the pregnancy, I know we’re equally responsible. Neither of us was thinking that night. Now there are consequences and I want you to know I’m prepared to be a part of that.”

She set down her coffee. “It’s not consequences. It’s a life. In eight months, we’ll have a baby. You’re either in for the whole messy ride or you’re not. If you expect me to believe you’re the least bit interested, you’re going to have to show a little enthusiasm and energy.”

Annoyance tightened his muscles. What the hell did she want from him? Blood? He’d shown up and apologized. And he’d meant it. Every word. He was willing to accept that he was totally in the wrong, that they were having a baby and he wanted to be part of that baby’s life.

“This is a big step for me,” he said slowly, trying to keep his temper from showing. “I never wanted children, never thought about having them. Suddenly everything is different. I’m doing my best to make the mental shift. Could you give me a break on that? A lot of guys wouldn’t have even tried. I deserve some credit for showing up.”

She folded her arms over her chest. “Oh my, yes. Big, big points for showing up. Yeah, you. What a fabulous man you are. The great Dr. Josh Daniels showed up. If you’d given me more warning, I could have arranged a band to be playing.”

She was furious and should have looked ridiculous in her robe and curlers, yet she didn’t. Her words stung enough to make him want to lash out. He knew instinctively that was the road to disaster so he struggled to find a better way to say what he meant.

Before he could, she said, “This is going to get me into trouble, but at this point, I don’t actually care. I want the truth, Josh. I don’t care if it’s pretty. Just go with your gut on this. Are you sure you never wanted children or did you decide that after you met Stacey and found out she couldn’t have kids? Was it your decision or a way to make her feel better?”

The question ran into him like a truck. He managed to keep standing and hold in his need to deny the implication of her words. Then he stunned them both by saying, “I don’t know.”

Crissy stared at him, her eyes wide, her mouth partially open. “I’ll give you credit for honesty,” she whispered. “I never thought you’d say that.”

“Me, either. Too bad about the band not being here. They could break into song.”

She winced. “Sorry. I can get a little sarcastic when I’m pissed off. Plus I really miss caffeine.”

“I guess.”

“Having a baby with me has nothing to do with Stacey,” she said. “Did she really expect you not to have a life after she was gone? It’s been four years. Aren’t you allowed to move on?”

“It’s not that simple,” he said. The guilt had come on slowly. At first, when Crissy hadn’t mattered that much, he hadn’t been bothered at all. He’d assumed he’d healed. But lately he realized he hadn’t moved on as much as he’d thought.

“What makes it simple?” she asked. “Is the whole world supposed to stop because she died? Should I pay for being alive by giving up everything important to me?”

“Of course not.”

“Then why should you?”

Interesting question, he thought grimly. Too bad he didn’t have an answer.

“Stacey will always be a part of me,” he said. “I can’t escape that.”

“No one wants you to,” she told him. “But make her the best part of you, not the worst. You can be so amazing, but then you go down this dark path where you are only allowed to care about your patients. Is it because they’re safe? You get close, but not too close? It’s less messy than a real relationship?”

He thought about Tommy and all the kids he’d done his damnedest to keep alive. “They’re not a part of this discussion,” he said, wanting to warn her off before they went to a place that had no point of recovery.

“Why aren’t they?” she asked. “You can’t be involved with someone and keep pieces of yourself closed off. We can’t keep secrets.”

He wanted to tell her they weren’t involved, except they were. If nothing else, they were having a baby together.

He stared at her, knowing their connection was stronger than that. She mattered to him and that was the bottom line of the trouble. When Stacey had died, he’d promised them both he would never fall in love again.

“I can’t do this,” he said, knowing he had to get out of there.

“You’re leaving? Just like that? And you accuse me of running away.”

“You don’t understand.” She couldn’t. She hadn’t been through what he had.

“Then explain it to me. Tell me why what doesn’t exist anymore and can never come back matters more than what’s right in front of you.”

“I loved her. I still love her.”

“No one says that should stop. But there’s a difference between loving her and respecting the life you had together, and burying yourself alive now.”

“I’m not—”

Crissy shook her head, interrupting him. “You know what? Forget it. I’m tired of fighting ghosts. I don’t know Stacey. I don’t know anything about her. Apparently she was pretty special because after four years you’d still rather be dead with her than alive with someone else.”

He hated seeing her in pain. “Crissy, I’m sorry.”

“Why? You’re getting exactly what you want. You can be alone with your memories. I’m the one who’s sorry. I have a lousy romantic history. I tend to pick men who aren’t capable of being an emotional partner. They were all so seriously flawed that eventually I simply gave up on men altogether. Then I met you. You seemed...perfect.”

She dropped her arms to her sides. “Stupid, huh? You’re not perfect. You’re just a guy. You have the potential to be a partner, but not the emotional will. Ironic, isn’t it? You can be, but you choose not to be available. It’s safer for you to hide than to take a chance.”

She gave him a slight smile. “You know what? Things are so screwed up between us, I’m going to tell you exactly what I think. Probably not a good idea, but what the hell. I think one of the reasons you fell in love with Stacey was that she’d been sick. The fact that she was probably not going to live a normal life span meant you didn’t have to try so hard. You got to focus on her and the illness and what might or might not happen. It was easier than risking your heart for real.”

He’d been with her until the last point. “What the hell makes you think you know anything about me and Stacey?” he demanded. “Because your many successful marriages make you an expert?”

“I’m giving you one opinion,” she said. “I’m sure you’ll ignore it. But here’s the thing. Getting lost in the past is a breeze. The dead have a way of not making demands. The living are a lot more messy. I have expectations, Josh. Complicated, life-changing, interrupting, badly timed expectations. You wouldn’t like that. You like your relationships from a distance. You give a hundred percent to your kids. You’re practically a god to their parents, but it’s in little doses. You’re not there when the kids go home. You don’t pick up the pieces. You sweep in with the big gesture. That’s how it was with Stacey.”

“I don’t have to listen to this crap,” he said, and walked out of the kitchen.

Rage filled him. She didn’t know anything about him or Stacey. She was nothing like his late wife. On her best day she couldn’t begin to understand the love they’d shared.

“It’s not just me,” Crissy said as she followed him. “The baby is going to be the same way. Our child is going to expect you to hang in there, no matter what. What are you going to do then? You say you’re ready for the responsibility. I’m sure you’re thinking you’ll do great through anything that goes wrong. I know you’re right about that. You’re the go-to guy in a crisis. The place you can’t deal is where everything is just fine. What are you going to do if nothing’s wrong?”

He walked out her front door and crossed to his car. When he’d driven two blocks, he pulled over. The anger was a wild, living animal inside of him. He wanted to lash out at someone, anyone. He wanted to fight and hit and crush. He wanted to destroy. He wanted...

Damn her all to hell. Why couldn’t she understand that he was... He was...

The past returned, sucking him in and drawing him down. Stacey had chosen to die at home. She’d asked for hospice care, but Josh had been there for her at the end. He’d known what to do, how to give her the drugs that would ease the excruciating pain.

Those last days had torn him apart as he’d watched her suffering. She’d hated for him to leave her room, even for a few minutes. She’d needed him so much.

“Promise me you’ll love me forever,” she whispered, barely able to speak. “You can’t love anyone other than me.”

“I won’t,” he’d said, stroking her cheek.

“Not even different,” she’d told him. “You can’t love someone different and say it’s not the same. Promise!”

He’d promised because it had been what he’d believed. How could he ever love again?

But later, while trying to catch a few minutes of sleep in the chair in the corner of her room, he’d thought about her words and wondered why she’d wanted to make sure he couldn’t be with anyone else. If he’d been the one dying, he would have wanted her to find happiness, to be in a relationship. Or maybe that was just one of those intellectual arguments. Maybe he couldn’t know how it felt to be dying and leaving loved ones behind.

“She wasn’t wrong,” he said now, aloud in the car. “She wasn’t.”

He closed his mind to the questions, even as other memories came to him. Their arguments about adopting. How she’d insisted it was wrong to take in a child only to have him or her lose her a few years later. He’d disagreed. She’d always ended their fights by crying that if he loved her he wouldn’t talk about it anymore.

He remembered how she always got sick whenever there was something she didn’t want to do. How she’d sometimes made it impossible to see Pete and Abbey.

He climbed out of his car and stood by the side of the road. No! He wasn’t going there. Stacey wasn’t wrong. She wasn’t a bad person. She had been lovely and strong and brave and he’d loved her with an intensity he couldn’t possibly match again. She was everything.

She’d also been a bitch on wheels when she didn’t get her way.

He swore silently and pushed at the disloyal thought. Stacey was... Not perfect, he admitted to himself. Not evil. Just a person, with good points and flaws.

Not a startling thought, yet one he’d never allowed himself. To him, she’d been an angel in disguise.

But if he made her something she couldn’t possibly be, did that rob her of being who she was? His wife. His friend. Someone he would always love. He was grateful she had been in his life. Knowing what he knew now, he would still happily marry her and hope they had forever. But did that mean he had to sacrifice the time he had left because she’d gone first?

He returned to his car and got back inside. Crissy’s words echoed around him. He’d thought her expectations, as she’d called them, were unreasonable. Yet weren’t they so much less than Stacey had ever asked?

He thought about what Crissy had said about playing it safe. Did he do that? Somewhere along the way had he learned it was better not to lead with his heart? He’d given himself fully to Stacey, but he’d always known their time was limited. He might have told her they could have forty years, but his medical training had known otherwise. She had always been destined to die young.

Had that really been part of her appeal? He hated to think that of himself, but maybe it was true. Crissy was wrong about his commitment to his patients, but there was a possibility she was right about a lot of other things.

His gut had always told him what his mind refused to believe. It had been wrong of Stacey to tell him to never love anyone else. Crissy wouldn’t do that to him. She would probably tell him to wait a decent amount of time and to mourn the hell out of her. Then she would tell him to get his ass out there and find someone.

He felt himself smile. Knowing her as he did, she would probably point out that she would be a tough act to follow, but he was welcome to see if someone else could.

Crissy. She’d been a miracle of light in his dark cold world. He knew what she wanted, what she expected, what she needed. Was it possible? Could he do that? Was there a way to reconcile past and present? And if he could find it, did he still have a chance with Crissy or had that bond been broken forever?

* * *

“SHE’S BEAUTIFUL,” CRISSY said as she held baby Mindy in her arms and stared into big blue eyes. “Possibly the most beautiful little girl ever.”

Mindy blinked at her.

“So precious,” Crissy whispered, then looked at Noelle who lay on the chaise in her bedroom. “Am I holding her too long? Do you want me to give her back?”

Noelle gave her a weary smile. “I’m so exhausted, I appreciate just lying here. Hold and rock away. I doubt she’ll start to cry. She’s been really calm.”

“It’s only been a week,” Crissy told the baby. “You’re getting so much attention. What is there to cry about?”

Noelle laughed. “You have a point. My mom is staying with me another week. My dad’s here every day. Dev’s dad is in and out all the time. My sisters adore her, you and Rachel come pretending to visit me but I know you’re really here to see the baby. She doesn’t have very much to complain about.”

Crissy settled in the rocking chair. “What about you? Are you happy?”

Noelle sank back in the cushions and sighed. “I’m past happy—I’m in bliss!”

“Good for you. And Mindy’s doing okay, healthwise?”

Noelle and Dev had had a scare during the first few months of Noelle’s pregnancy. Further testing had shown that everything was fine with the baby, but until Mindy had been born, neither of them had been totally convinced.

“Her pediatrician says she’s thriving. So we’ve let our worries go. We’ve been blessed with an amazing baby. Lucky us.”

Crissy kissed Mindy’s soft cheek. “I agree. Lucky you.”

Noelle looked at her. “You’re not feeling so lucky. You seem... I don’t know. Sad, maybe. Is it Josh?”

Crissy nodded. “We’re going to have to agree to disagree on just about everything. I want him to be emotionally engaged—he thinks that would betray his late wife. I want him to be a father who’s excited about having a child. He’s willing to be responsible and do the right thing.”

“Does he need more time?”

“I think he needs a brain transplant.” Crissy shook her head. “I know that’s not fair. He’s dealing with a lot of things from his past. Honestly I swear Stacey played with his emotions. I feel bad saying it, but I don’t think I would have liked her.”

“People have different needs at different times,” Noelle said.

“Unfortunately I’m pregnant now.”

“Are you willing to wait for him to come around? Is he worth that?”

“I love him,” Crissy said as she rocked the baby. “I can’t imagine loving anyone else. So for now, I’ll wait. I’m not doing anything else with my time. The thing is, one-sided love isn’t looking very good to me these days.”

* * *

SUNDAY MORNING JOSH sat on his patio, pretending to read the paper. It was a beautiful day, the kind that made him want to take a hike in the local mountains or drive down to the beach and ride his bike along the boardwalk.

Not by himself, he thought. It would be better to go with someone. Someone like Crissy.

He couldn’t stop thinking about her or their last conversation. He’d said everything wrong, done everything wrong. He needed to make things right with her, but didn’t know how.

What could he say to explain what he felt when he wasn’t sure himself?

Worse than being without her was the fact that he’d hurt her. He’d never wanted that. She was—

He heard a noise and looked up. The bushes by his patio moved, then Brandon pushed through them and walked toward him, dragging his bike.

Josh couldn’t believe his nephew was here. “Tell me you didn’t ride your bike here,” he told the boy.

Brandon hung his head and shrugged.

Fear clutched at Josh’s gut. He was a good five miles from Abbey and Pete’s house and there were at least three major streets the kid would have to have crossed.

“Brandon, you’re not allowed to leave your neighborhood. You know that. Do your parents know you’re gone?”

Still not looking at Josh, he shook his head. “I know I was wrong, but I had to do something.” He raised his head. There were tears in his eyes. “I gotta talk to you, Uncle Josh. I tried calling, but someone was always around. Last night I decided to just come here this morning. I know I shouldn’t have ridden here all by myself, but it’s important.”

Josh was furious, but decided not to deal with that right now. He would hear Brandon out, then he would start yelling. But first, there were some worried adults to be taken care of.

“You can leave your bike out here,” he said as he led the way inside. He grabbed the phone and dialed a very familiar number. “Abbey, hi. Brandon’s with me. And he’s fine.”

He glared at his nephew as he spoke, assuring Abbey and promising to return her son later that morning. When he hung up, Brandon slumped into a chair.

“I know I’m in trouble,” Brandon said, his voice low. “I’m gonna really get it. But I had to.”

“I’m ready to hear why.”

Brandon looked at him and Josh saw a lot of Crissy in the boy. Her eyes, her mouth. This was her child. What would their child look like? Who would it take after more?

Not the time for those questions, he reminded himself. There were more immediate problems.

“Okay,” Brandon began. “But you can’t be mad at me.”

“About you riding your bike over here?”

“No, about the other stuff.”

Josh swore silently. There was other stuff? “I’ll save my anger for the end. I’m going to yell at you about riding your bike over here anyway, so we’ll get it all done at once. What did you do?”

Brandon sucked in a breath. “I listened when I shouldn’t. Last week. I know it’s wrong, but it’s hard because nobody tells me anything and some of it’s really important.”

“What did you hear?” Josh asked seconds before the obvious occurred to him. Damn it all to hell did the boy know that—

“Crissy’s pregnant.” Brandon stared at the kitchen table. “She’s gonna have a baby and this time she’s going to keep it.”

There was a world of confusion and hurt in those words. Josh moved toward his nephew, pulled up another chair and settled in front of him.

“It’s weird,” Brandon said, still staring at the table. “Crissy’s really cool, you know? I like having her around. But is that okay? What about my mom? Does it bother her that I like Crissy? I was trying to figure that out, when I found out about the baby. She’s keeping her baby and she didn’t keep me. Why, Uncle Josh? Why?”

Josh heard the tears in the boy’s voice and pulled him close. Brandon hung on with all his strength as the sobs claimed him.

Josh didn’t know what to say to make this child feel better. If only he hadn’t heard. The family would have made plans to tell him together. But life was rarely that tidy.

“I love you, kid,” he said. “Do you know that?”

Brandon sniffed and nodded.

“Your mom and dad love you.”

“I know that,” Brandon said impatiently.

“So maybe you’d rather not be their son.”

His nephew looked at him in shock and outrage. “What? I’m their son. They love me. I know they love me.”

“No one is saying they don’t. I was with them when they brought you home. I’ve never seen any two people so happy. They’d been given the greatest gift of their lives and they knew it.”

That earned him a slight smile. “Yeah?”

“Yeah. I’m not saying you don’t matter to them, I’m asking if you’d rather they weren’t your parents. Would it be better if Crissy had kept you?”

Brandon stared at him, wide-eyed. “No,” he breathed. “I like Crissy. I like her a lot, but she’s not my mom. I don’t want her to be.”

“Then you’re a lucky guy, because you’re going to get exactly what you want. You can stay where you are, have the parents you want and still have Crissy in your life.”

Brandon thought about that for a second. “Okay, but the baby... She’s keeping him.”

“Her life is different. She doesn’t know anything about this baby. She’s not picking it over you. It’s about timing, Brandon. If she’d had a different baby before and she was pregnant with you now, you’d be the one she’s keeping.”

“Okay,” Brandon said slowly. “I kind of understand that.”

“Crissy loves you. Giving you up changed her life forever, and not necessarily for the better. She’s been missing you since you were born. That’s hard.”

“I hadn’t thought of it that way. So she’s been really sad?”

“More than sad.” He thought about all she’d said about being unable to be in a relationship. “She didn’t want to forgive herself for giving you up. All these years, she’s been mad at herself for not being able to give you what you deserved. She’s punished herself way more than anyone else would have punished her. Maybe even more than you would have.”

“I don’t want to punish her,” Brandon insisted. “She wasn’t bad. She was young and it was hard. Girls shouldn’t have babies until they’re a lot older.”

“Like Crissy’s age now?”

“Yeah. Oh.” Brandon smiled. “Okay. I get it. She’s ready now.”

“Yes, she is. It’s not about you. Do you understand that?”

He nodded.

Josh pulled him close again. “I’m sorry you overheard that conversation, kid. Not a good way to find out you’re going to be a half brother.”

Brandon straightened a little. “Half brother? Oh, yeah. Because Crissy’s my birth mom, I’ll be related to the baby. That’s okay.”

“It’s a little more complicated that,” Josh admitted. “I’m the father.”

Brandon jumped to his feet and cheered. “For real? So we’re all related. You and me and Crissy and my mom and dad and the girls. It’s all of us. That baby is all of us.”

“It sure is.”

Brandon gave him a high five. “Totally cool, Uncle Josh. I’m glad you’re getting married again. Crissy’s the best and if she marries you, she’ll always be around.”

Married? To Crissy? Josh hadn’t thought past the baby being born. Marriage? Love?

“We haven’t gotten that far,” Josh admitted, stunned by the thought.

“But you have to get married if you’re having a baby. Don’t you?”

Did they? Marriage. After Stacey, he never thought he would be interested. But then Crissy came along and changed everything.

Brandon grabbed his arm. “Do you love her, Uncle Josh? Because you have to love her. That’s the most important thing.”

Josh ruffled his hair. “You’re a pretty smart kid.”

“Smart enough to know you didn’t answer the question. Do you love her?”

Josh thought about all he and Crissy had been through. The ways she’d filled his life and brought light to the dark places. How she led with her heart, even though she believed she was tough. How she did the hard thing, because it was right. She was honest and caring, smart and funny, determined, giving. She was the one he’d been waiting for all his life.

“I do love her,” he said aloud.

* * *

THE CEMETERY WAS on a hill, with a view of the valley. Stacey had picked the location and the specific spot herself, long before the cancer had returned. At one point she’d teased he could buy the plot for her as a wedding present.

The suggestion had shocked Josh and she’d apologized, but he’d never forgotten. Now, as he walked toward the simple stone that marked her grave, he wondered if they were both guilty of simply waiting for her to die. If each of them had, for different reasons, been unwilling to fully live.

Crissy was right—he’d been afraid to wholly commit. Stacey had given him the perfect out. He could love her unconditionally, knowing time was limited. She wouldn’t ask too much of him, because she couldn’t.

When she died, he lost himself in mourning. Not only because he had cared about her, but because it was an easy way to avoid a real life.

He walked over the well-kept grass and set flowers by the carved stone. Irises. Her favorite.

He didn’t speak. Stacey wasn’t in this place. Graves were for the living, not the dead. And he was alive, even if he’d nearly forgotten the truth of that. Alive and desperately in love with a complicated woman who would always expect his best. She might never forgive him for what he’d said. She might refuse to see him. Either way, he wouldn’t stop trying. It was time to start showing up for his life.

* * *

CRISSY STEPPED OFF the treadmill. She was doing her best to run Josh out of her heart. Her doctor said she could run through the first few months with no problem and she intended to take him at his word. If nothing else, she would be in amazing shape by the time the baby was born.

She pulled off her sweatband and grabbed her towel. Sweat dripped off her. She knew she looked like hell—red and damp, with her mascara running—but who cared? She’d designed her gyms for women only. No one here was going to judge her.

She waved at a few members she knew, then crossed to the front of the building, prepared to take the stairs to her office. One of the perks of being the owner was a private bathroom with a shower. She would order in lunch and get back to work. Maybe with her body exhausted, her mind would finally quiet down.

She’d barely taken the first two stairs when she heard someone call her name. A familiar someone. A guy.

Her brain split in two with half of her quivering at the thought of seeing Josh again. It didn’t seem to matter that all their conversations were total disasters. She missed him with a desperation that made her wonder if she was ever going to be normal again.

The other half of her brain was aware of how horrible she looked after a ten-mile run. Why did he have to show up now?

She blotted her face with her towel and turned to face him. The second she saw him her heart gave a lurch, as if calling out to its soul mate.

He looked good, she thought as she studied him. Tired, but handsome. In his jeans and white shirt, he looked sexy enough to be the dessert special of the week.

“I need to talk to you,” he said.

She wanted to tell him that this wasn’t a good time. She thought about asking him to come back in twenty minutes so she could at least shower. Then she figured she could fight sweaty as easily as she could fight clean.

“We can go to my office,” she said, and led the way. It was only when she reached the second floor landing that she realized she never thought to tell him no. That they couldn’t talk. Because she was stupid and in love and until she could stop loving him, she would be happy to see him, even if he was a big jerk.

Once behind closed doors, she turned to him. “You have ten minutes, or until you piss me off. Whichever comes first.”

“You’re packing some attitude this morning,” he said. “I like that.”

She wanted to tell him she didn’t care what he liked, but it wasn’t true. She cared too much. She cared to the point of stupid.

“I just ran ten miles. I could kick your ass.” She leaned against her desk. “Why are you here?”

“Because being with you is where I belong.”

She blinked. What? Had he just said what she thought he—What?

He took a step toward her. “Crissy, I can’t find the words to tell you how sorry I am for what I’ve put you through. You have been nothing but loving and supportive and I’ve sent you to hell and back.”

Was this really happening or had she slipped into madness because she loved him so much? Hope grew inside of her. Hope and love and anticipation.

He took her hand in his and stared into her eyes. “You were right about me. About how I’ve held back and how marrying Stacey made things easier.”

“Josh, no,” she said. “I was angry and hurt and I lashed out. I’m sorry for what I said.”

“Don’t be. You told the truth.”

“Not about your patients. You give so much to them. You do more than anyone else is willing to. That was a low hit and I apologize.”

He touched her face. “How can you be so generous when I hurt you over and over again? Crissy, you terrified me. You’re so alive and determined. Nothing scares you.”

“You’re wrong. I’m scared a lot. Brandon terrified me and when I think about having a baby and having to raise it...” She shook her head. “What if I do everything wrong?”

“You won’t.”

“What if my baby hates me?”

“Not possible.”

“Let’s have this conversation again when he or she is sixteen.”

“Teenagers hate everyone.”

She smiled. “You’re trying to make me feel better. That’s nice.” More than nice. He’d come to make things better with her. That was worth a lot. Given a little time, maybe he would be willing to open his heart to her.

“I love you,” he told her.

“Really?” Apparently he didn’t need much time at all. “You mean that? This isn’t guilt love?”

He leaned in and kissed her. “Not guilt love at all. Real love. Forever love. The parents of my patients talk about how I’m their miracle. I never got that until now. Because you’re my miracle.”

Her eyes began to burn, but this time with happy tears.

He kissed her again. “I love you, Crissy. I want to be with you always. I want to fill our house with kids and dogs and laughter and whatever else you want. I want to grow old with you. I want to have a past and a present, with a future we both look forward to. Will you marry me?”

The last of her pain faded as if it had never been. A down-to-the-bone happy contentment filled her. Then a tear slipped down her cheek. “I can’t believe you proposed to me when I’m all sweaty.”

He grinned. “You look beautiful.”

“But I need to take a shower.”

The grin broadened. “I could help you with that.”

“It’s a pretty small shower.”

“We can work with it.”

Despite the sweat and his clean shirt, she threw herself at him. “I love you, Josh. For always.”

“I love you, too. I’m glad we’re having a baby. I’m glad I’m having a baby with you. Are you going to make an honest man of me?”

“Yes,” she said happily. “I’ll marry you. I might even take your name.”

“You could hyphenate. Phillips-Daniels. We’ll sound very British and aristocratic.”

He kissed her. She let herself get lost in the sensation of being close to him. They had time now. Time to deal with things like names and where they would live and whether or not they wanted to know the sex of the baby. They had the rest of their lives. It would be a journey of love. Crissy couldn’t wait for it to begin.

* * * * *

ISBN-13: 9781488024641

Circle of Friends: Part 6 of 6

First published as Her Last First Date

This edition published 2016

Copyright © 2006 by Susan Macias Redmond

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About the Author

Susan Mallery is the #1 New York Times bestselling author of novels about the relationships that define women’s lives—romance, friendship, family. With compassion and humor, Susan keenly observes how people think and feel, in stories that take readers on an emotional journey. Sometimes heartbreaking, often funny and always uplifting, Susan’s books have spent more than 200 weeks on the USA TODAY bestseller list, thanks to her ever growing legions of fans.

Susan lives in Seattle with her husband, two ragdoll cats and a tattletale toy poodle. Animals play a big role in her books, as well, as she believes they’re an integral component to a happy life.

ISBN-13: 9781488025228

Circle of Friends: Part 1 of 6
Circle of Friends: Part 2 of 6

First published as Having Her Boss’s Baby in 2006
Copyright © 2006 by Susan Mallery, Inc.

Circle of Friends: Part 3 of 6
Circle of Friends: Part 4 of 6

First Published as The Ladies’ Man in 2006
Copyright © 2006 by Susan Mallery, Inc.

Circle of Friends: Part 5 of 6
Circle of Friends: Part 6 of 6

First published as Her Last First Date in 2007
Copyright © 2007 by Susan Mallery, Inc.

This edition published 2016

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