Contents

Copyright

Part 1: Rivals

1: State

2: The Champion

3: Comfort

4: State

5: Prep

6: Winners. Losers

7: Comfort

8: Friendly Dinner

9: Revelations

Part 2: Summer Lovers

10: College Girls

11: Campus Summer

12: Party Down

13: Rescue

14: Opportune Moment

15: Responsibility

16: Hit the Showers

Part 3: Falling

17: Move In Day

18: Lame Party

19: Rescue

20: Falling Down

21: The Hospital

22: Awkward

23: Exhausted

24: Denied

25: Awake

Part 4: Winter

26: Barred Entry

27: Abandoned

28: Sneaking In

29: Distraction

30: Explosive

31: Back to Normal?

Part 5: Spring

32: Back to School

33: Back in the Groove

Wait! There's More!

More from Mia Archer

1: New Boss

2: Family Tradition

3: First Day

4: Blowing Off Steam

5: New Routine

6: New Feelings

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A Sweet Lesbian Romance

By Mia Archer

Copyright 2016 Mia Archer

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Individuals pictured on the cover are models and used for illustrative purposes only.

First digital edition electronically published by Mia Archer, July 2016

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Part 1: Rivals

1: State

Sarah:

I stepped into the pool and felt the familiar smells and sounds washing over me. The room was hot and humid. Not that I expected any less. It was probably even hotter than usual because the room which was designed to handle a swim meet between two teams was now playing host to about ten different teams in our school’s conference who’d crammed into the bleachers on one side.

On the other side the bleachers were filled with parents who looked supremely uncomfortable sitting in the humidity with clothes that were better suited for the cold winter weather outside than a pool filled with people.

I grinned smelling the familiar smell of chlorine. I knew there were some people who said they couldn’t stand the smell, but I loved it. I’d been swimming my whole life and smelling that chlorine smell and hearing the familiar tinkle of the pool water lapping against the sides was like music to my ear.

Music that was drowned out by the dull roar of the crowd. It was like an echo chamber.

“So are you ready for the big day?” my coach asked, coming up behind me and slapping me on the back.

I looked up at Coach Todd and grinned. He had a huge grin on his own face.

“I guess I’m going to have to be ready, aren’t I? It’s not like they’re going to cancel the meet because I’m not ready to go,” I said.

“Yeah, well, you enjoy this moment. You’ve worked hard for it. You’re my star. Remember that. Don’t know what the program is going to do without you after you graduate.”

I blushed under the praise, but at the same time I felt a surge of pride at his words. I’d worked hard to get here today. The finals for our sectional championship. Me going up against the best girls that all the schools in our area had to offer. I’d been to the finals every year but my freshman year, and I knew this was the year. This was the time I was finally going to win and get that coveted top spot. This was the year I was going to go to the big game down in the capital and I was going to get “state champion” embroidered on the back of my letter jacket.

Sure it was going to be embroidered on my letter jacket just in time for me to put the thing away forever considering the weather would be warming up by state and I was graduating and wouldn’t be caught dead in that jacket when I got off to college, but still. I’d know that patch was there. It was the ultimate culmination of years of swimming and avoiding a social life and pretty much concentrating on time in the pool.

“I’m going to kick ass,” I said.

Coach Todd grinned even wider. I guess he was so excited at the idea of having a champion swimmer that he didn’t care that I was swearing. I couldn’t blame him. I was an odd duck in our small school. I went to year round swim programs. I focused on it with an all consuming passion. I stuck out in a place where there wasn’t even a summer program to speak of and most people on the team didn’t see the water when it wasn’t swim season.

Our win record reflected that fact. Except for my events, that is.

“So do you see her out there?” Coach Todd asked as we moved over to the bleachers.

There was no doubt in my mind who he was talking about. Her. Alyssa Thompson. The only real competition that I had in our conference. She was the one person in my event, the butterfly, who could unseat me this year. She was the girl who’d won and went to state last year, though she didn’t get that state title which had satisfied me to no end when I heard the news.

This year we both had a chance though. I’d looked at the numbers. This year we were both in the running for that top spot. We were the only ones in the state who could unseat each other, and of course it figured that both of us would be in the same conference so only one of us was going to the big dance.

Damn it.

I looked around but I didn’t see her in the crowd. Not that it was odd. We’d gotten here a little early so we could stake out a spot for ourselves on the bleachers.

It was weird sitting here now with just me and the coach. Everyone else on the team was here just yesterday when we were qualifying for our events. None of them had qualified so none of them were here today. It had been like that every other year too.

It was kinda nice to sit back and stretch my legs.

“I don’t see her yet, but she’s going to be here,” I said.

Coach Todd slapped me on the back. “Well don’t you worry about a thing. I’m sure you’re going to kick some ass this year, as you so eloquently put it.”

He paused for a moment and glanced over to the door. Frowned. I followed his gaze, because I knew what that frown meant. No matter what he said about knowing she was going to show up, I’m sure there was a part of Coach that hoped Alyssa’s car would break down on the side of the road as she was heading out here for sectionals so that I had a clear path to victory.

Not likely, because a moment later in she walked with a couple of friends from her team. Her school had a year round swim program. She didn’t have to wake up at four a.m. every morning so she could drive the half hour to a program in the next county to swim during the summer like I did. Luxury. My eyes narrowed as I thought of how unfair it was that I had to work harder to get just where she was.

She laughed as she talked to her friends and I felt a pang of jealousy. I wished I had some friends to share this day with, but if no one qualified then no one got to sit with me. Then, for a surprise, Alyssa peeled away from the friends she was chatting with. Started walking directly towards me.

I took a deep breath. Shit. Was she really coming over here? Sure I’d always thought she was my biggest rival, but it was a rivalry from afar. We’d never spoken to each other aside from a few words we exchanged when we went against each other at our school’s swim meets. She won last year and I won this year. I figured that boded well for my chances at winning here at sectionals this year.

Sure enough she was heading right for me. A moment later she stood in front of me with an uncertain smile on her face. She gave a little awkward wave and I did the same before I realized how silly that looked.

Damn. Why was I feeling so awkward around her? What was going on here?

“Um, so hi. Sarah, right?” she asked, though there was something about the way she said my name that told me she knew exactly who I was.

“Yup,” I said. I smiled. “But something tells me you already knew my name Alyssa.”

She grinned and blushed. “Well yeah, maybe I do.”

“You’ve been keeping tabs on me this year, haven’t you?” I asked.

Alyssa’s eyes went wide. Like she’d just been caught. “How’d you know that?”

I leaned forward and gave her shoulder a smack. She was still in a T-shirt, but that would change soon enough. If she was anything like me then there was a one piece competition suit under that. If she was anything like me it would be a suit she’d bought at the beginning of the season that was brand new. A whole season of swimming played hell on suits and it was always best to come to the biggest meet of the year in something brand new that sliced through the water.

I bet Alyssa looked good in her suit, too. Damn good. Then I shook my head when I realized what I was saying. She looked good in her suit? What was that all about? I needed to get back in the moment. What were we doing?

Right. We were talking about keeping tabs on each other and trying to pretend neither one of us were doing any such thing.

“I’ve been doing the same thing all year,” I said. “You’re the reason I’ve been pushing myself so hard.”

Alyssa grinned. “Really? Because this entire time I wasn’t sure what to think of you. I mean you’re the competition and everything and I’m supposed to hate you, right? But that doesn’t seem very nice.”

I was surprised to hear the echo of my own thoughts on the matter. I’d felt the same way this entire season. Alyssa was the competition, but at the same time she’d never done anything to me to make me think she was some evil bitch or anything like that. Was it fair to get mad at someone for being good at something?

No, not really. Besides, with her standing right in front of me with that infectious smile it was really hard to stay mad.

I stuck my hand out. “How about we just say good luck and part as friends?”

Alyssa regarded my hand for a moment before taking it. I had a momentary flash of fear that she didn’t feel the same way I did, but then she gave my hand a firm shake and that infectious smile was back.

“Friends,” she said. Then she winked. “This doesn’t mean I’m going to try any less, you know.”

“I’m counting on it,” I said. “Besides, I want to make sure you’re not pulling any punches when I beat you!”

Alyssa rolled her eyes. “Yeah, like that’s going to happen!”

“Either way, thank you,” I said, my voice going suddenly quiet.

“For what?” Alyssa asked.

“If I didn’t have you to measure myself against all year then I might not have pushed myself to get here in the first place. So whichever one of us wins, thanks for getting me here.”

“Same to you,” Alyssa said.

I giggled. I couldn’t help it. This moment was so crazy. I realized that I was still shaking her hand. I felt warm from that simple contact. Goose bumps rose all over my body and let me tell you it was a damn good thing I wasn’t in my suit because otherwise it would’ve been pretty obvious what she was doing to me.

What was she doing to me? I wasn’t sure. I never really had time for dating aside from my disastrous relationship with Craig who ended up coming out of the closet. That explained why there was never much of a spark there and I’d been too busy to date since. The point is I wasn’t really familiar with all those feelings, but this felt pretty close to the tingly feeling I got when two people got together in a movie or something. I’d never felt that in real life, though.

Until now. What did that mean? Or was this all part of some plan to psych me out before the big race?

“What’s so funny?” Alyssa asked.

I reluctantly pulled my hand away. That did feel good, but it was also awkward and it brought up questions that I wasn’t sure how to answer. Best to put that aside until after the race. Not that it would matter after the race since I’d probably never see Alyssa again after I beat her today and she went back to her school crying while I went to state holding my head high.

“It’s just weird. I came here thinking I was supposed to hate you and now you’re being so nice and everything. It’s nothing like what I imagined,” I said.

I’m not sure what I was imagining. The two of us clawing at each other on the pool floor? Trading barbs at each other like we were a couple of mean girls trying to get in each others’ heads before the big race? To be honest this nice routine was doing a better job of getting in my head than any of that.

“Same to you,” Alyssa replied. “Good luck. You’re gonna need it.”

Alyssa surprised me again by pulling me into a hug. It was a brief hug, but it was even more confusing than the handshake. Her body pressed against mine and we seemed to mold together for one confusing and incredible moment. I felt her hot breath against my ear and all I wanted to do was forget about this whole race thing and stay in that hug forever.

And with that she was gone. She turned and melted back into the crowd surrounding us and I was left standing alone. Or almost alone. Someone cleared his throat behind me.

“I’m proud of you for that,” Coach Todd said. “I don’t know many girls who would be able to talk with the competition like that.”

I turned and smiled. “I figure I might as well be nice to the first runner up. Now let’s get going. I need to get ready for the biggest race of my life!”

2: The Champion

Alyssa:

Water all around me. I turned my head to breathe and for a moment I heard the roar of the crowd all around me. It was louder than any crowd I’d ever heard before at one of these events. Everyone was getting into it even if they didn’t have a kid in the race.

She was out there somewhere in the water next to me. Doing the same thing. Turning her head to breathe and hearing the roar. Plunging back into the water where there was the different roar of water moving past your ears.

I concentrated on putting one arm in front of the other. Over and over. My body was on fire. It burned with a familiar sensation that I’d come to welcome and love even though it kicked other peoples’ asses when they got in the pool. I knew it was just lactic acid building up in my body thanks to a lack of oxygen getting to my muscles, but it always felt like the pain of victory to me.

And I knew even as I did my final turn and sliced through the water for what could very possibly be the last twenty-five yards I ever swam in my high school swimming career that this wasn’t the end. I felt the tingle that heralded anticipating a victory. I knew this wasn’t going to be it. I’d be swimming competitively at least one more time.

At the state finals.

That thought gave me one final burst of speed as I pushed myself into the wall. One last frenzied pull. One last set of kicks with every ounce of power I could push into it from the lifting I’d done to give myself more of an edge even though I got weird looks from the football types who inevitably hung out in the school weight room trying to get big beefy arms or whatever the hell it was guys were going for in the weight room.

I slammed into the touch pad at the end of the pool. The plastic gave way ever so slightly in a familiar way. I pulled up and the sound from the crowds cheering around me was deafening, but I had no way of knowing if that deafening cheering was for me or for some other girl who’d hit her pad just a fraction of a second faster than me.

That was the thing about swimming. It was a solitary sport and you were completely on your own in the water. There was no way to really know if you’d won until you were up and looking at the scoreboard. I did that now, and my breath caught when I saw my name at the top with the fastest time.

I felt stunned. I’d done it. I’d won. I was going to the state finals and if how other swimmers looked on paper was any indication then I was going to win.

Damn. I felt lightheaded for a minute. And not the sort of lightheaded that I occasionally got after swimming. I’d won. It was incredible. All those years of swimming coming together for this perfect moment.

I pulled myself out of the pool and I was immediately surrounded by girls from the team slapping my back and giggling and smiling and jumping up and down and generally acting so excited for me.

I also saw a couple of jealous glances. A couple of those girls probably had their own dreams of going to state, but none of them had worked as hard as I had so they could take their jealousy and stuff it.

Coach Scott appeared in front of me with a huge smile on her face. Sure she’d had a few swimmers go to state before, but she always acted like it was a big deal even if she had been to the dance before. She wrapped me in a huge hug that pulled me off the ground, not caring that I was still soaking wet and covered in chlorinated water that could seriously bleach her team polo shirt.

I guess that sort of thing was an occupational hazard if you were going to be a swim coach.

“Congratulations Alyssa!” she squealed as she set me down. For a moment Coach Scott looked just as excited as the other girls surrounding me. The excitement was infectious.

I took a step forward and that’s when it hit me. I suddenly felt a lightheadedness that had nothing to do with winning and everything to do with how I sometimes felt when I’d really overdone it.

Not that I wasn’t going to overdo it when I was in the middle of the most important race of my life!

I paused for a moment as I wavered back and forth trying to hold onto my balance. The nearest thing I could grab onto was Coach Scott so I grabbed her shoulder and held on while the room spun around me for a moment and all the sound in the room seemed to dull until it disappeared and it was just me all alone with the spinning room and the only indication that reality was still there was my hand clutching the rough material of Coach Scott’s polo shirt.

“Alyssa? Are you okay?”

Sound slowly returned and I looked up to Coach Scott who was staring down at me with obvious concern. I smiled, but I wasn’t sure how well I was doing at covering up the fact that I was mildly terrified. I always got a little scared when that happened even if I always brushed it off after the fact.

“Sorry,” I said. “Guess I was just a little woozy after the race.”

Coach Scott put both her hands on my shoulders and locked eyes with me. “You sure about that? If you need to see a medic or something we can…”

I waved her away. “No, it’s okay. It happens sometimes when I’m a little excited. We’re good.”

Coach Scott didn’t look like she exactly believed me, but I was able to take a couple of steps without falling on my ass so she let it drop. I didn’t want to ruin this perfect moment by going over and spending a bunch of time having a medic looking me over just to tell me that I was fine and I’d gone a little hard in the race.

Of course I did. That’s what you were supposed to do in the middle of a race!

I looked down at the other girls who’d been in the race. Most of them looked disappointed, but not angry or anything like that. That figured. They all probably knew going into this that Sarah and I were the ones to beat.

Sarah.

Huh. Now that was weird.

I looked through the crowd trying to find her. I figured if anyone would still be out there somewhere it would be her. One other girl was still in the pool finishing the race but there wasn’t a chance that was Sarah. The two of us were too closely matched. She would’ve been right behind me. It even said so up on the big board that finally came to a complete and total stop as the last girl hit her pad and the race came to an end.

That meant Sarah had time to hit the pad, right behind me if the times were any indication, and get out of the pool and disappear.

I frowned. I’m not sure why I felt concerned for her, but I was worried. She wasn’t here which meant she was out there somewhere and she was probably taking it pretty hard. I knew I’d be pretty upset if I’d gotten this far only to lose at the last moment. Especially when I knew that the only reason I wouldn’t be going to state is that I happened to be in the same conference as the next best swimmer for my event in the entire damn state. If one of us was in any other sectional we’d both be going to compete against each other at the big show.

Damn. I felt an overwhelming urge to find her. To make sure everything was okay even though I knew it was probably anything but.

Coach Scott appeared out of the crowd and went to wrap me in a hug. I allowed her that moment and even smiled.

“You did it!” she shouted. “I’m so proud of you! I knew you could pull this off!”

“Thanks,” I said, trying not to sound distracted. I scanned the crowd again to see if Sarah was out there and I’d just missed her. A part of me hoped she might at least come up and congratulate me or something, but nothing.

“Come over here,” Coach Scott said. “They’re going to present the ribbons here in a moment…”

“Are they doing it right now?” I asked. “Because I kind of have something I need to do…”

Coach Scott looked at me like I’d grown a second head or something. “Of course you have to come over here and do this right now. They always do the ribbons right after the race.”

I sighed. I should’ve been stoked about getting this ribbon. I’d worked at it forever. The problem was the only person I could think of was the one other person in the pool who’d worked forever to get to this place and now she wasn’t anywhere to be found.

They did it at the end of the pool where all the starting stands were set up. The announcer called out the first four runners up and they each got a nice white ribbon that said they’d come close but they weren’t going to the main event. Thanks for participating. Better luck next year.

A ripple ran through the crowd as the person handing out the ribbons got to the stand right next to mine, though. The stand where Sarah should have been. It was empty. Sarah really was nowhere to be found.

“And the next goes out to our second place finisher, Sarah…”

The announcer seemed to realize what the rest of the crowd already knew. Sarah wasn’t there. She wasn’t anywhere to be seen. She didn’t appear out of the crowd to accept the red ribbon.

“Can I take that?” I said on an impulse. “Pretty sure I know where she is.”

I knew where I’d be, at least. We had our swimming sectionals at this same place every year and I was pretty familiar just from exploring when I wasn’t swimming. I knew a couple of out of the way spots that were kept unlocked where someone could go to hide if they didn’t want to be found. I assumed Sarah had done the same thing. A lot of girls went exploring out of boredom between events. There was a lot of time to kill on the qualifying day of sectionals.

The lady handing out the ribbons looked down for a moment and frowned, but she ultimately handed the ribbon up to me. Then the announcer moved on to me.

“And finally, the sectional champion in the 100 yard butterfly and the girl who will be going on to the state meet to compete is none other than Alyssa Thompson!” the announcer said.

It was a little awkward because I already had the red ribbon in hand. I’m sure there were a few people in the crowd who assumed I was Sarah because I’d taken the red ribbon. Whatever. I held the shiny blue ribbon up and allowed myself a brief moment where I wasn’t worried about Sarah or where she’d disappeared to. Not that I truly understood where this sudden concern came from anyway.

I basked in the crowd cheering for me. I studied the way the light danced and reflected off of the blue ribbon. It really did look impressive. I allowed myself to enjoy the smell of the water and the sound of everyone cheering and roaring around me for one moment before I stepped down and dove into the crowd.

“Where are you going Alyssa?” Coach Scott asked. “Your parents are on their way over here to congratulate you.”

I looked across the pool in a sudden panic. My parents. Sure enough there was mom with dad dutifully following behind her. She was coming around the far end of the pool and looking over at me alternating between beaming at me and frowning. I wondered what I’d done wrong that brought on that stupid frown. Even when I’d just done everything she’d always hope for when she pulled me into those stupid summer swim programs she wasn’t happy.

That figured. Suddenly I had even more reason to want to get the hell out of there. So I did just that. I dove into the crowd on the swim team side of things where parents weren’t allowed and got lost in the crowd. Already I could hear them getting ready for the next race, and I was forgotten. My moment of glory really was fleeting, but it had been fun.

Now it was time to track down the pretty girl who was robbed of her moment of glory and make sure she was all right. If it meant escaping from my mom for a little while longer in the process then that was just fine with me.

3: Comfort

Alyssa:

My flip flops slapped against the soles of my feet as I made my way down the hard tile floor. I’d thought about not even grabbing those, but there was danger in walking down smooth tile in bare wet feet. I’d seen more than a few girls go for a spill when they thought they were perfectly okay, and there wasn’t a chance I was going to do something stupid like ruin my chance to go to the state championships because I slipped and broke something.

I could still hear the roar of the crowd in the distance. The pool doors were kept wide open during sectionals in an attempt to make the heat at least somewhat bearable, though the crowds of sweating parents sitting in the stands cheering for their kids showed just how ineffective that was.

The rest of the school was sort of spooky though. The lights weren’t on except for a couple that were probably kept on all the time in case of emergency or something. The entire place was deserted and silent like something straight out of a horror movie. There wasn’t even the usual noise from girls exploring the school like what I always heard on the first qualifying day of sectionals.

Most of those bored girls had lost their races and didn’t get to compete today. They were probably all at home having fun while I was out here padding through the darkness listening for the sound of…

There it was! I heard sniffling off in the distance. I smiled even though sniffling and crying wasn’t a good sign. That meant someone was out there having a really bad day, and I was pretty sure I knew exactly who was having that bad day and why.

I paused for a moment and wondered if I should even really be doing this. After all, the last person in the world Sarah probably wanted to see right now was the person who caused her to cry. It’s not like it was my fault I won that race. The faster person won and I wasn’t going to feel bad about that.

Not too much.

Still, it was sort of my fault. I could see where she would be mad at me even if we had gotten along when we were chatting with each other at the beginning of the day. At the same time I had the overwhelming feeling that I needed to go to her. That I needed to say something. And so I ignored that little voice in the back of my head telling me this was a bad idea and followed the sound of crying.

I rounded a corner and smiled. I’d been right. Sarah was down at the end of a little out of the way dead end hallway on the other end of the school from the pool. I’d caught a couple of people actually making out back here one year as though everyone who came here didn’t know about this hiding spot.

My cheeks colored thinking about that. Why did the thought of making out with someone down here suddenly send a chill running through me? The only other person here was…

Sarah.

I pushed that thought away. Dangerous thoughts. The sort of thing I didn’t want to think about right now. Especially when she was hunched over against the back wall with her head buried in her arms sobbing for everything she was worth.

Again I wondered if I should approach her or if I should just let her alone. Give her a moment to cry and let it all out. That voice that told me I needed to go to her and comfort her was getting a hell of a lot louder than the voice that was telling me this was a bad idea, though, and so I put one foot in front of the other.

I got right in front of her and she hadn’t noticed I was here. Then again she was crying pretty hard. Not quite knowing what to do, I bent down and sat beside her. That finally seemed to get her attention. She looked up at me, her eyes red and puffy. She immediately started trying to get herself in order, but there was no hiding the fact that she’d been having one hell of a good cry.

Besides, even with those puffy eyes she looked so pretty. Only that was going to that place that I wasn’t quite sure of, so I chased those thoughts away as soon as they occurred to me.

“I brought this for you,” I said, handing over the second place ribbon.

Sarah regarded that as though she might regard the sort of present the neighbor dog was always leaving on our front lawn. It didn’t occur to me until I’d held the bright red second place ribbon out to her that being reminded of her loss might not be the thing she wanted most in the world at that moment. But she took it from me and tried to wipe a tear from her eye.

“Thanks,” she said. “Guess they gave you the blue one?”

“Um, yeah,” I said. “I’m sorry.”

“Why are you sorry?”

“Well I’m sort of the reason you aren’t going to state?”

“Never apologize for being who you are,” Sarah said. A small smile came to her face. “Besides. You beat me fair and square an then you came looking for me. I suppose if anyone was going to beat me in that pool I’m glad it was you and not one of those cows from West Central.”

I snorted. “Yeah. What a stupid name, too. West Central. Like isn’t the whole point of being central that you’re in the middle? Not west?”

Sarah let out a little giggle of her own. I took that as a good sign. It meant she wasn’t too deep in depression or anything like that.

“I always thought the same thing,” she said.

We paused for a moment and sat there. I’m not sure why, but I reached out and put an arm around her as we sat in silence staring down to the end of this dead end hallway. There wasn’t a particularly compelling reason to put my arm around her, but it felt good. It felt right. And when she didn’t protest I figured that was a good sign so I kept my arm right there.

Though again that brought up thoughts that I wasn’t quite sure of. Thoughts that I tried to push away. I was just a friend out here comforting another friend who was having a bad day. That was it.

“Can I see it?”

“Hm?”

“The first place ribbon? Do you mind if I just look at it?”

“I don’t see why not,” I said.

I held out the blue ribbon with my free hand. Sarah snatched it out of my hand so quickly that I felt the urge to reach out and snatch it back from her. That was my ribbon. I’d earned it fair and square. I didn’t really want to share it with anyone else and I was feeling a surprising burning jealousy at the thought of another swimmer running her fingers all over my shiny blue ribbon.

I kept those thoughts to myself, though. That wasn’t very nice, and besides. This was Sarah. I could trust her.

She held the thing and looked at it reverently. Ran her fingers along the gold text announcing “Sectional Champ - 100 yard Butterfly.” Her mouth was open as she stared down at it, and I had no doubt she was imagining what it would’ve felt like to be standing up at the end of the pool having someone hand her this. Knowing that she was going on to state.

Then she frowned and shoved it away. Back into my hand. I took it carefully, not wanting to wrinkle the thing. This was something that was going to go up in a nice glass case that I could carry with me everywhere. Even if I stopped caring about everything else from high school I knew this was one memory I wanted to hold onto forever.

Part of the reason why I wanted to hold onto that memory so much was this moment I’d just shared with Sarah. I shivered, but she didn’t seem to notice what she was doing to me. Which was probably for the best. I’d spent so much time swimming and so little time socializing that I wasn’t quite sure what was going on here.

All I knew was it was a little scary. Scary because I didn’t know what these feelings were or where they came from or how to even deal with them. Scary because I knew after this sectional meet there was a good chance I’d never see Sarah again.

“Congratulations, Alyssa,” she said. “You really did deserve this.”

“You did pretty damn good out there yourself,” I said. “Don’t ever look at that ribbon and think you were second best. You’re the reason I pushed myself to do so well.”

“Doesn’t feel like I did all that well,” she said. She let out a long sigh.

I tried to imagine how I’d feel if I was in her situation. It was hard to imagine since I was still high on victory. I tried to imagine being on the cusp of feeling that high and then having it pulled away from me at the last moment because I was a fraction of a second too slow.

Yeah, that would suck.

I pulled her in close. “Don’t worry about it. Soon enough this will all be a memory.”

“Yeah, well at least it won’t be a completely terrible memory,” Sarah said. She looked up at me and for the first time since I found her she actually smiled. Only a little, but it was something. “Thanks for coming out here and finding me. You didn’t have to do that, you know.”

“I guess I didn’t, but I wanted to,” I said.

“Yeah, but you missed everyone celebrating your big win!”

I laughed. “Honestly? As soon as I was down from the stand they were on to the next race and no one cared. It was a very brief moment of glory.”

I thought everything might be cool, but to my surprise Sarah buried her face in my shoulder and started crying again. This time she really let loose. She even went so far as to wrap an arm around me and pull me in close.

Not that I was complaining. That actually felt pretty damn good. Good enough that I felt a confusing warmth spreading through my body that wasn’t entirely unwelcome even if it was more than a little confusing.

This didn’t seem like a time for talking, so I was just there for her. I kept my arms around her and held her while the crying continued. It seemed like that was all she needed anyways. It was nice to know I could be there for her. I wondered if she’d do the same if the situation was reversed and I was the one who’d lost.

Probably. She seemed like a really nice girl. The kind of girl I wouldn’t mind getting to know better. It was a shame we were going to part after this sectional never to see each other again.

But it was a perfect moment sitting there. Sarah letting it all out. Me feeling just a touch guilty because I was enjoying her pressing against me considering why it was she was pressing against me.

Finally Sarah came up for air. She still hiccuped a couple of times, but the crying seemed to be going down. She disengaged from me and I felt a stab of disappointment that she wasn’t pressing against me any longer. Still, I suppose the moment had to end sometime. Sarah used her newly freed hands to try and wipe tears away from her puffy red eyes.

“Thanks,” she said. “I guess I needed that.”

I smiled and reached up to wipe one of those tears away. It was a surprisingly intimate gesture and I wasn’t quite sure why I did it any more than I was sure why I was doing anything with her right about now. All I knew is it felt right.

“No problem. I’m glad we could at least part friends,” I said.

Sarah grinned and very nearly tackled me wrapping me in a huge hug.

“Me too, Alyssa,” she whispered.

Eventually even that hug had to come to an end. We both pulled away from each other and sat there in an awkward silence for a moment. I almost thought Sarah wanted to say something more, but at the same time I worried that might be so much wishful thinking on my part. I wasn’t even sure what I was wishing for. All I knew was it felt really good to have her here next to me.

There was a set of confusing feelings I was going to have to work through.

Eventually the occasional roar from the sectional championships reached us and that more than anything brought me back to reality. I sighed.

“This has been fun, but I’m sure my parents are frantically searching for me right about now,” I said.

“Yeah, I sort of disappeared without telling anyone back there,” Sarah replied. “I’m sure there’s someone out there looking for me too.”

I stood and reached down to offer Sarah a hand. “Back to reality?”

She looked up at me and regarded my hand with an unreadable expression for a moment. Then a huge smile broke through that unreadable expression and she took my hand. I felt a spark where we made contact, but pushed down on that.

“Yup. Back to reality,” she said. “Though it was a lot more fun just hanging out down here.”

So we headed back to sectionals. Back to where my mom was no doubt looking for me and wondering where I’d disappeared to. I wasn’t going to hear the end of that, but it was worth it for this moment with Sarah. I wasn’t sure what the moment meant, but I did know that it was something I was going to cherish almost as much as winning and going on to state.

4: State

Sarah:

This was stupid. I wasn’t even sure what the hell I was doing here. I looked at the massive brick natatorium in front of me. At first I thought I was in the wrong place. The thing was easily twice the size of the gym at my school, and it was just the pool!

It was crazy. Everything down here in the city was bigger. Everything down here was nicer. As I put my car into park, wondering again why I’d made the drive down here in the first place, I thought about how unfair it was that the city schools could afford nice things like this while the smaller schools sitting in the middle of cornfields around the state came up blank.

It wasn’t fair. That was life, though.

I felt like a tourist in the big city as I stepped into the natatorium. The place looked big on the outside, but that was nothing compared to the experience of walking in and seeing a pool that stretched on for as far as the eye could see. The people on the other side of the thing looked like ants, and all up and down the length of that impossibly long pool people were hopping in the water and warming up.

I felt a stab of jealousy at that. Warming up. For the state championship. I should’ve been in there warming up with the rest of them. I should’ve had Coach Todd standing here beside me giving me advice on how to kick butt. Instead it was just me in a comfortable tank top and shorts. It might be freezing outside, but I wasn’t going to make the same mistake that parents coming to these things always seemed to make and sit in a sauna for hours in my winter coat.

Looking at this place, I’m not too proud to admit that my mouth might’ve been hanging open just a bit, I could understand why the big schools in the capital were always winning state titles. If they had these kinds of resources, not to mention a school this big, it was no wonder that State Central sat down here like a supermassive black hole gobbling up any competitors who came down to challenge them.

I looked down the length of the pool, but of course there were so many people out there that there wasn’t a chance I was going to spot Alyssa from this distance. She could be any of hundreds of girls down there walking around in one piece competition suits. The only way to know where she was for sure was to get down there and try to find her.

“You’re crazy, Sarah,” I muttered to myself as I went down to a table being guarded by a little old lady with her hair done up in curls.

She looked up at me with a polite smile and took in my tank top and shorts. Never once did that look betray any distrust, but I felt like she was suddenly on guard.

“I’m sorry dear, are you here to swim?”

“Um, no, not exactly,” I said, again with jealousy flaring inside me for all the girls down here who were getting the opportunity to swim in the state championships.

That kindly smile stayed plastered on her face. I wondered if it was the real deal or if that was a look she used to deal with everyone who was trying to sneak into the swimmers’ area. Something told me this nice old grandma was probably more effective than a beefy muscled bouncer.

“I’m sorry honey, but if you’re not with one of the teams then you aren’t allowed down here. You’ll have to sit up in the bleachers.”

The bleachers in this case was actually a raised area where people could sit in comfort and look down on the people competing. It wasn’t metal risers hastily erected along the side of a pool room that was too small to really fit them in. I bet they even had special air conditioning up there so that people watching the event didn’t get hot and sweaty. A couple of people up there were still in their winter coats like the heat wasn’t bothering them at all.

I sighed. This had been a stupid idea. I shouldn’t have come down here in the first place. I don’t know why that moment in the hall after our race made me think Alyssa would even want to see me in the first place. Clearly the fates, in the form of this little old lady, were telling me that this whole thing was stupid.

The smart thing to do would be to turn around and drive the two hours back home. To forget about this whole thing. To forget about Alyssa, though I wasn’t sure if that was possible since I couldn’t get her out of my mind ever since that day when I’d cried against her shoulder after losing the last race of my high school swimming career.

Yeah, the smart thing to do would be to get the heck out of here. I had no intention of doing the smart thing, though. I wanted to see Alyssa again. I had the feeling that if I didn’t see her now then we might never see each other again. This was the last time I’d know exactly where she was. Sure I could stalk her online or something, but this seemed better somehow. More real.

So I came up with a lie.

“Actually I’m with one of the teams,” I said. “Oliver West?”

The little old lady regarded me for a moment as though she knew I was trying to pull one over on her. I wondered how many people that look worked on. How many people folded under her disappointed gaze that clearly communicated that she knew you were up to something and it would be better if you just came clean right now rather than continuing the charade.

I held strong, though. Finally she sighed and pulled out a pair of glasses as she flipped through some tables on the folding table in front of her.

“Name of the swimmer at Oliver West?” she asked, looking up at me sharply again.

If she thought she was going to catch me that easily then she had another thing coming.

“Alyssa Thompson,” I rattled off without hesitation. Funny how this whole lying thing got easier the more you did it.

The lady glanced down again. Her lips pursed together so tightly that they disappeared almost entirely. Her wrinkles wiggled as she shook her head and regarded me one last time.

“Right. She’s going to be down by lane forty. I’d encourage you to get down there and out as quickly as you can,” she said.

“Thanks,” I said with a huge smile. I figured if she was going to look at me like she knew I was trying to pull one over on her then the least I could do is grin at her now that I’d pulled one over on her.

The crippling self-doubt hit me again as I moved down the edge of the pool. This thing really was huge. It felt weird walking along a pool like this with my shoes on. I’d been walking in flip flops or my bare feet for so long that wearing shoes seemed almost like a sacrilege.

This was crazy. This was stupid. Alyssa had no way of knowing I was coming. She’d probably be annoyed that I even showed up. We had that moment, but having a moment off in a quiet corner of some school and showing up uninvited to the state meet when she was trying to concentrate on winning were two very different things thank you very much.

I fought the urge to turn around. I’d come this far. I was not going to back down now. Sure I might be on the verge of really embarrassing myself, but if that’s what happened then that’s what happened. If I did embarrass myself then the fact that I’d never get to see her again would become a comfort rather than a bad thing.

The crowd was pretty sparse, so I could see her from a distance as I made my way about halfway down the length of the pool. She sat on a bench smiling up at her coach and beside her was another guy and a woman who I could only assume were her parents. I didn’t see many parents down here, but it seemed that the rules about that sort of thing were more lax here where they had more space than back at sectionals where there wasn’t any extra room for anyone but swimmers sitting with the teams.

As soon as I saw her I knew I’d made the right decision. That overwhelming feeling that Alyssa needed me here, the feeling that got me to make this crazy drive in the first place, came back full force. I took in a deep breath and let it out. Plunged forward as I moved through a world that I’d always dreamed about but would never get to participate in directly.

I could lend support to my new friend, though. At least I thought she was a friend. Maybe she was more than that. The jury was still out. It was all still a little confusing. Best not to think about that sort of thing.

Alyssa looked up and past me. For a moment I thought she might not even recognize me as I got closer. Then her eyes returned to me and her face brightened in a smile that made me want to melt into the tile right there. Damn that smile was beautiful. It went straight to the core of my soul.

“Sarah!” she shouted. She stood and jogged the short amount of space between us then wrapped me in a huge hug. “What the heck are you doing here?”

The hug ended all too soon. I grinned right back at her.

“I don’t know. I can’t really explain it, but I felt like I should come down here and show my support,” I said. “I thought I’d stop by and say hi to you before I went up to the bleachers to watch.”

That wasn’t exactly what I’d planned when I came down here, but I figured it would be a good idea to give her an out if she didn’t want me down here. I could go up there, watch the race, and kick myself all the way home for being an idiot and thinking there was something here when there clearly wasn’t.

Only that didn’t happen.

“Nonsense!” Alyssa said. “You’ll come and sit with me. I can’t believe you came! This is so great!”

She took my hand and pulled me down to her spot. This part of the pool seemed to be reserved for the smaller schools that didn’t have many people competing. Down at the other end I could see a massive swarm of girls in matching blue and black suits. That was probably stupid State Central with their stupid high school that had like six thousand students so they could have two hundred people on their team and brag about how they’d been the state champions for like thirty years or something.

Considering all the advantages they had that didn’t seem like something worth bragging about, but that didn’t stop them. The jerks.

“Who is this honey?” the woman said as we approached.

She looked at me and I immediately felt the urge to take a step back. The look she gave me wasn’t exactly hostile, but it wasn’t exactly friendly either. It was pretty obvious she wasn’t rolling out the welcome wagon or anything like that.

“This is my friend Sarah,” Alyssa said. “I’ve told you about her before.”

“I’m sorry, but do you go to Alyssa’s school?” she asked. “I’m afraid I don’t recognize you from any of the practices or meets.”

I looked down and shuffled my feet. There was something about this woman that had me on guard. That left me wanting to make a good impression. “Well I’m actually…”

“She’s the girl who goes to Morton High,” Alyssa said. “The one who swims the butterfly?”

Wow. If I thought Alyssa’s mom was cold before she got downright annoyed when she really realized who I was.

“I see. And you thought you’d come down here and distract my little girl on her big day? We don’t need that kind of help.”

Alyssa rolled her eyes. “Back off mom. She’s a friend and she came here to show her support. She’s the reason I pushed myself so hard this year. I had to make sure I could…”

Alyssa stopped and looked over at me with a sheepish grin. Her cheeks colored in the cutest little blush. Cute blush? Huh? Now there was a funny thought. A good thought, but a funny thought.

“It’s okay,” I said. I reached out to pat her on the shoulder and that earned another suspicious look from her mom. Damn. What was with this lady? “Alyssa’s right. We were pushing each other all year and we didn’t even realize it. I beat her at our regular season meat and she beat me when…”

I choked up for a moment. It was still hard for me to admit that I’d gotten my ass handed to me at sectionals. Still, it was a fact of life and something I was going to have to get used to saying.

“When she beat me at the sectionals,” I finally managed to choke out.

“Yeah,” Alyssa said. “We were helping each other out and now she’s here to show her support and we’re going to be nice to her, mother.”

Alyssa’s mom settled back in her seat. She crossed her arms with a glower and I thought I heard her muttering something about security not doing its job keeping people out of this area, but otherwise she didn’t say anything. I wondered what I’d ever done to her, but at the same time I didn’t care all that much. She didn’t look like she was about to call security or anything. I figured that was a good sign.

I wasn’t sure what to do, so I sat next to Alyssa and looked out over the huge natatorium. I’d made it. I was down here sitting next to her and no one was telling me to leave and so I figured that was one heck of a victory. Might as well sit back and enjoy it. Enjoy sitting next to Alyssa. At least until they called her up for her event.

She was going to be swimming for both of us today, and I’d be right there cheering her on!

5: Prep

Sarah:

“This place is incredible,” I said.

“Yeah,” Alyssa replied. “It has to be at least ten times the size of the pool back home. I can’t believe people actually swim in this thing every day.”

“Tell me about it,” I said. “Even the pool at the state college wasn’t this big, and I thought that was probably the nicest pool I’ve ever seen in my life.”

Alyssa gave me a funny look. “You’re going to state next year?”

I laughed. “Well yeah. It’s just far enough away from home that you don’t have to worry about meddling parents and close enough that you can go home to get your laundry done if you need it. Plus they gave me a full ride swimming scholarship, and you can’t argue with that.”

“Funny,” Alyssa said.

“What’s so funny about that?”

She turned to me and grinned. “They gave me a full ride scholarship too. Looks like we’re going to be on the same team next year!”

Damn. Now that was a surprise. Here I’d been so worried about never seeing Alyssa again and it turned out the entire time I’d been worrying she was on track to be swimming on the same team as me at the university next year.

Crazy how things worked out sometimes.

“We’re going to be on the same team,” I said, still a little stunned.

“Kinda funny, isn’t it? We spend so much time competing against each other and now we’re going to be on the same team! Wild!”

“Yeah, wild,” I said.

I tried to wrap my head around that. I suppose it was something I should get used to, though. It’s not like there were going to be many people that I’d competed against on that team anyways. Alyssa and I were the best of the best, but even if we weren’t our conference wasn’t the greatest. I doubted much of the competition would be swimming in college, let alone getting full rides.

My mind wandered and I looked up at the record board. They did it a little differently here at this pool. At our pool we had records for our team and just our team, but it looked like here they had records that their team had set as well as records that had been set at the pool. Anyone who came here could set a new record even if it was better than what their team did.

I guess that was motivation. Not that it mattered. This was State Central, after all, so most of those pool records were one and the same as their team records. Still, glancing at the pool record for the 100 yard butterfly it was pretty obvious that I’d be setting a new record in the pool today if I’d actually made it here to the big dance.

I nudged Alyssa in the shoulder. “Look up there. Think you’ll be setting some new records today?”

Alyssa followed my gaze and her eyes went wide for a moment. Then her face lit up as she realized exactly what was going to happen today if she was anywhere close to her usual time. It was a time I knew well because I’d been following the results of various meets that Coach Todd got in an email every couple of days.

“I’m going to set a new record here!” she squealed, clapping as the realization hit her.

“You are! You set that for both of us. Let these jerks down here know that someone from a small town can come down here and give them a run for their money!”

I leaned back and shook my head. I was a little disappointed that I wasn’t going to be the one setting any records, but at the same time I figured if it was Alyssa doing it then it would be almost as good as if I was the one swimming and kicking butt.

“They’re going to be calling me up soon for my event,” Alyssa said.

I glanced down the length of the pool. They were running the meet in standard order and that meant the butterfly was near the top of the meet. I’d always liked that because it meant that I could get my main event out of the way at the beginning and not worry about being exhausted for it if it was near the end or something. I always felt bad for people doing the breast stroke or the 400 freestyle relay at the very end of a meet. It had to be a pain to try and stay on the top of your game when you’d already been in a couple of races.

“That they are,” I said. “You ready to go win this thing?”

“I think I am,” she said.

It still amazed me that there could be enough girls competing at this thing that they could fill every lane. Then again this was everyone in the state. Even as I watched a starter beeped and a bunch of girls launched off down the entire length of the pool in unison as they dove into the water hoping for a bit of glory. Though that glory would only go to one girl. Boy had I learned that one the hard way recently.

Alyssa looked up into the stands and waved. I turned to follow her gaze to where her parents were sitting looking down at her. Her dad had a smile on his face and he returned the wave, but her mom had her arms crossed and looked like she’d just swallowed a bad pill or something.

Alyssa’s coach had sent both of them packing after her mom tried to give her swimming advice for about the tenth time since I got down here. Apparently if there was going to be anyone doing any coaching down here it was the person who had the job title and not her mom hovering over her and being a nuisance.

I got to stay because I wasn’t getting in the way. I’d tried my best not to fix her mom with a triumphant smile as the coach told her in no uncertain terms that she needed to get lost.

Leaving just the two of us alone down here. Almost alone. Sure we were surrounded on all sides by people getting ready for their own event, but for some reason it felt like it was just the two of us. I looked up at the big board announcing all the times. The current race came to an end. Just one more before they got to Alyssa’s.

“Looks like it’s time to get ready,” she said. “You going to help me out?”

I glanced over at her and cocked an eyebrow. I wasn’t sure what she was talking about. It’s not like I could get in the pool and swim with her or something. Swimming might have all the trappings of a team sport, but at the end of the day it was all about the individual testing themselves against a bunch of other individuals and there could be only one who came out on top.

I saw the bottle of baby oil in her hand and it suddenly hit me what she was talking about. I’m not sure why I forgot it. The smell of the stuff permeated the side of the pool as girls walked around slick with oil as they got ready for their event. It was a tradition at sectionals, and I guess that meant it was also something that happened at the state level.

I licked my lips and stared at that bottle. That’s what she wanted help with. Putting on oil before she got into the pool. Supposedly the oil pushed out against the water and gave someone an extra advantage of maybe a fraction of a second. Sort of like people who went through and shaved every part of their body, including their eyebrows, for sectionals.

Which I always thought was ridiculous since no amount of shaving was going to shave off enough seconds for most people to be anywhere close to competitive. The time to worry about those extra seconds was years ago when the person decided not to put in the work they needed to get better, but I never voiced those thoughts since people who didn’t put in the work to get better typically didn’t like having that pointed out by someone who had.

“Are you sure about that?” I asked. “I mean it’s not like that stuff even really works.”

Alyssa shrugged. “Maybe it does. Maybe it doesn’t. I figure this is the state competition. I should probably try for every advantage I can, right?”

I sighed. “Yeah, I suppose you are right.”

Alyssa held out the bottle and squeezed some oil onto my hand. She had no idea what she was doing to me by squeezing that out. How crazy I was going at the thought of putting my hands on her. Sure it was just on the exposed parts of her body. Arms, legs, all that stuff, but there was something about this that felt different from all the times I’d done it with the girls on my team.

I shivered as she turned around and pulled her hair up into a swim cap, exposing her back to me. The rubber from the swim cap snapped in place and I reached out to put the oil on her back.

Her skin felt nice. It was soft. Smooth. Hot. So very hot. I ran my hands over her back and the entire time I felt my breathing picking up. I felt a twisting in my stomach that I’d never felt before.

Not that I’d really dated, but I’d also never felt something this intense looking at a guy even though I knew I was supposed to feel like this looking at guys. Not girls. Not a girl who’d been enemy number one for the majority of my swimming career.

My brain went into autopilot as I ran my hands over her back and down her arms. When I was done with that she turned and smiled. Her entire upper body glistened with the baby oil and I felt an urge to do more than run my hands over her arms.

I fought that urge, of course. I wasn’t quite sure what it meant, for one, and I was also pretty sure that would be a good way to get kicked out of the place entirely. Not to mention Alyssa’s mom would probably be waiting for me on the other side to kick my butt on top of everything else.

“Are you okay Sarah?” she asked.

I shook my head to pull myself out of the funk I’d gotten into. Was I okay? Yeah, I suppose, except for the fact that running my hands all over her body was making me question everything I thought I’d ever known about who I was into. Other than that everything was just peachy keen, though.

“I’m fine,” I lied. She seemed to sense the lie because she arched an eyebrow, but she didn’t say anything. There wasn’t any time. The race was going on and she didn’t have much time before she would be called up to take her spot on the starting block and win this damn thing.

She leaned down and started working on one leg. She was about halfway down, it was so very distracting watching her hands running up and down her leg like that slick with baby oil, when she looked up at me.

“Are you going to help down here?”

That smile. That sweet and innocent smile. As though she didn’t have any idea what she was doing to me with a simple look. With the promise of being able to run my hands all over her once more. Silently I got down in front of her and started working on her leg, and I tried to ignore how close we were to one another. How the baby oil combined with the smell of chlorine and some perfume Alyssa was wearing, to drive me absolutely wild.

It was torture, plain and simple. It was the most delicious torture possible, but it was still torture. Thankfully and unfortunately it was also torture that was over almost as quickly as it had started. Alyssa hopped up and smiled at me one final time.

“Well, this is it,” she said.

“This is it,” I said, my eyes running up and down her body. How had I never looked at her before and thought of her like this? She was like a toned goddess standing there in her one piece suit with her body slicked down with baby oil and that brand new suit clinging to her in all the right places. Even the swim cap seemed to add to her allure.

Her allure? I’m not sure why the hell I was thinking like that, but I did know that I sort of liked thinking like that even if it was crazy. It was like I’d suddenly discovered something with Alyssa that had been missing from my life and I’d never realized that lack until this moment.

Now that I knew what I’d been missing, though, it was hitting me like belly flopping into the water from a high dive. And it was made all the more complicated because I had no idea if she felt the same way.

Alyssa threw herself forward and wrapped her arms around me. I was so wrapped up in feeling her arms around me, in wrapping my own around her, that I didn’t even care that she was probably getting baby oil all over me. Who was I kidding? It’s not like I was going to wash these clothes anyways now that they had that perfect combination of scent that was Alyssa tied to them.

“Thanks for coming out here,” she whispered. “You have no idea how much it means to me. I was so afraid of being out here all on my own.”

“Anything for you, Alyssa,” I whispered back.

That had a hell of a lot more meaning to it than I think Alyssa appreciated. It was silly. It was crazy. It didn’t make any sense, but I’d developed one heck of a girl crush on my former rival.

My former rival who pulled away from the hug and turned to make her way down to her spot for the race. She had an appointment with destiny, an appointment that should’ve been mine, and all I could do was stand at the end of her lane and cheer her on.

Suddenly I was a lot more okay with that than I’d been since I lost that race that sent her here and kept me by the sidelines.

6: Winners. Losers

Alyssa:

Okay Alyssa. This was it. This was the big moment. The thing I’d been training for my entire life. I should’ve been doing what I always did when I was getting ready for a big race. Looking at the starting stand. Envisioning what it would feel like to jump off the thing and have that moment where the water surrounded me. Imagine my body lifting out of the water as both arms sliced through and I did a dolphin kick that sent me flying through the pool.

I stared past the stand. To the other end of the lane. It was always a tradition that teammates would stand down there cheering you on, only I didn’t have any teammates here. I’d always felt like I got along with Coach Scott more than I got along with anyone on the team. They always looked at me weird. Probably because I was so good and they… weren’t.

Not like it was my fault. I worked hard. I had some natural talent. They’d rather sit around and chat. None of them went to practices two times a day. None of them had the dedication it took.

Not like Sarah. She understood me. Everything felt right with her. And there she was right now standing down at the end of the lane smiling, giving me a thumbs up, and providing the support that my other teammates never wanted to.

That made me feel warm inside. Warm and fuzzy. Nothing like the heat I felt when she was leaning down next to me and running her hands along my body putting on that baby oil. I’d been conflicted when I asked her to help. I wasn’t even sure what I was expecting, let alone how she’d reacted.

I knew that once I’d felt her hands running along my back and down my arms it took every bit of self control I had to avoid shivering or maybe even letting out a gasp. That felt good. Really good. It set my body on fire and I was still coming down from that high.

It was pretty much exactly the opposite of what I should’ve been concentrating on as the official let off an electronic beep that signaled it was time to step up onto the block. I forced myself to look down at the water. To concentrate on the race that was about to happen. I had this. I could do it. I was going to break a record in this pool and I was going to be the state champion. No one else was close to being as fast as me.

This was my moment.

I looked up at Sarah at the other end of the pool one final time. This could have been her moment. Half a second was the only difference between us switching places, though would I even be down there if the situation had been reversed? Would I have given it a second thought? Would we have shared that moment at sectionals if I was the one who lost?

I wasn’t sure, but I was glad she was here now.

“Swimmers. Step up!”

I moved towards the starting block, and as I did I suddenly felt a little funny. I felt light in the head. It was something that happened every once in awhile after I’d really exerted myself in a tough race, but it had never happened before a race.

No. This shouldn’t be happening now. This couldn’t be happening now. I stood for a moment while the natatorium spun around me and put a hand to my head. Only just as quickly as it hit it was gone and I climbed onto the block, praying that it didn’t happen again and send me tumbling off the block into the water prematurely.

That would’ve been embarrassing.

“Swimmers. Take your mark!”

The amplified voice echoed over the natatorium and the cheering crowds behind us went absolutely silent for a moment. I let out a breath as I waited for that moment. This was always the most difficult part of a race for me. Knowing that the beep was coming. Feeling my body hopped up on adrenaline and anticipation. Worrying that I might hear something that I thought was the beep and disqualify myself with a false start. It had never happened before, but the worry was always there when I stood up here.

The beep. My body reacted on instinct. I threw myself forward into the water.

Training took over. My body went on instinct as I threw my arms forward and rocketed out of the water. It still amazed me that I was able to do this at all, let alone do it fast enough that I stood a chance at winning a state title. Still, I went on autopilot and threw myself into the race. Everything else was forgotten as I sliced through the water.

Almost everything, at least. One interesting side effect of doing the butterfly stroke was that it pulled my head completely out of the water for a fraction of a second every time both of my arms sliced through the water and pulled me out. It wasn’t like the crawl stroke where someone was essentially swimming blind the entire time.

And every time I pulled out of the water I saw her there cheering me on. Screaming at the top of her lungs. Sarah. She looked so pretty even when she was screaming and looked almost angry.

That wasn’t anger though. She was cheering for me. Cheering for both of us. This was for both of us. We were in this together. We’d both worked so hard for this moment even if it could only be one of us competing.

Knowing she was there only increased my determination. I hit the wall and flipped around. Sliced through the water as the world went silent around me while I did a dolphin kick and came up to the sound of people screaming. The second length. Out of the water. Screams echoing through the natatorium. Screams for girls who were going to lose this race because I was in the water and I was the fucking champion, my friends, and they’d all be losing in the end.

Oh yeah. This was mine. I hit the wall by the starting block and did another flip, only this time the flip came with a bit of that lightheadedness. Damn it. Not now. I did not need this right now. This was quite possibly the worst fucking time for something like that to happen. I growled as I plunged into the water and fought it back. Caught a glimpse of Sarah yelling and then turning away. I had a feeling she’d be sprinting around the pool to meet me on the other end.

This was it. This was the moment of truth. The last twenty-five yards of my high school swimming career. The culminating moment of years of effort. Years of working. It all came down to this, and I knew I was the best. I couldn’t see the other girls, but I knew instinctively that I was ahead of them.

This was my moment. This was it. Halfway down the length. So close.

It hit me like a massive wave rolling over me all at once. A sense of dizziness coupled with fatigue and exhaustion that was unlike anything I’d ever felt before. It was so much more powerful than anything I’d felt after a race, and it took me a moment to adjust myself. I actually flailed in the water for a moment and had to give a couple of scissor kicks before I managed to right myself and get back into the groove that I’d had so many times before.

Even then it was difficult. I felt like I was swimming through molasses, not water. I had to struggle to get my arms over my head. I had to labor for each breath. All I wanted to do was curl up and take a nap. I wanted to puke from the way the world was spinning around me, and it was training more than anything else that kept me going until that last moment when I hit the pad and recorded my time.

My head shot up and I immediately regretted it. The world that had been spinning under water was even worse when it was spinning around me in the open air. The cheering crowd dulled and grew louder as stars danced in front of my vision and the whole world spun, and then everything came into focus and I looked up at the timer.

I’d done it. I was the first one in. By a good five seconds. In the space it took for that episode to come and pass the second girl hit the wall.

I felt dizzy. I felt incredible. I felt like I was on top of the world. I moved to pull myself out of the water and I nearly fell off to the side again because the world went spinning again. Damn it. What the hell was wrong with me? Though at least this was sort of normal. This always usually happened at the end of a race, not in the middle of it. This I could deal with.

I felt a hand wrap around my arm and pull me the rest of the way out of the pool with surprising strength. I looked up to see Sarah staring down at me with worry plain on her face.

“Are you okay Alyssa? Something looked really wrong there near the end,” she said.

I hung my head. Concentrated on breathing for a moment. I could deal with her concern in a minute. She wouldn’t be the first person to notice that I got a little woozy after a race, and I’d managed to convince those people up to and including Coach Scott that everything was fine so I didn’t see why she would be any different.

I finally caught my breath. The pounding in my heart went down. The room stopped spinning. I stood and almost managed to take a step without wobbling. Too much. As always I felt a stab of fear when this happened, but I knew that fear would go away as soon as this feeling went away. It was just something that happened when I pushed myself too hard. That was all. I was young and it’s not like I’d ever had any major issues.

I told myself it’s just how my body worked. I almost believed it, too.

“Alyssa?” Coach Scott was there next to me. “What happened out there? It seemed like you…”

“She was a little wobbly when she got out of the pool,” Sarah said.

“Come on Alyssa,” Coach Scott said, putting an arm around mine. “We should get you over to the nurse they have here to check you out.”

I pushed Coach Scott’s arm away. “Are you crazy? There isn’t a chance I’m giving up my time to shine! They’re going to give out the awards for this and I want to make sure I’m right there! I’m not hanging out with some nurse while they hand out my blue ribbon.”

Coach Scott paused for a moment at that and she looked down towards the end of the pool. I frowned in confusion. Why the hell did she look like that? This was supposed to be a happy time. This was supposed to be the moment when I got out there and showed the world that I was the best.

I followed her gaze down to the end of the pool. My breath caught when I saw who was walking towards us, and for once my breath catching had absolutely nothing to do with just finishing one hell of a race. It was a swim official with a bushy white mustache and a frown of his own avoiding looking at me so hard that it was obvious I was the one he was going for.

And it was obvious from that look that he didn’t have anything good to say. I felt panic rising in me. What was going on here? Officials coming for you with looks like that were never good, and Coach Scott looking like that had me even more on guard.

“Alyssa,” Sarah whispered. She reached out and took my arm. Gave it a squeeze. “It was when you slowed down. You stopped for a moment and you…”

It hit me exactly what she was talking about. I’d been dizzy and I had to stop for a moment in the pool. The scissor kick. The sort of thing that could get you disqualified even during a regular meet, but especially during the state meet when they had officials prowling up and down the length of this massive pool watching like hawks for any sort of infraction.

“Why haven’t they announced the winner yet?” I asked. “They always announced the winner right after the race was over.”

“I’m sorry Alyssa,” Coach Scott said, looking down.

The official stopped in front of us and cleared his throat. Paused for a moment as though he was unsure of what to say. As though he didn’t like what he was about to say. I felt wobbly again, and this time it had nothing to do with those strange spells that hit me after a really tough swim.

“I’m sorry miss, but there was an illegal scissor kick there at the very end of your event. I’m afraid we’re going to have to disqualify you,” he said.

I fell back and luckily Coach Scott and Sarah were both there to catch me. I couldn’t believe it. All that hard work. All that effort, and I was being disqualified because I didn’t keep up my dolphin kick for a couple of seconds at the very end of the event. I’d done everything right. I’d won by at least five seconds. I’d blown the pool record for this place out of the water and I should’ve gotten that patch on the back of my letter jacket that declared to the world that I was a state champion.

The natatorium had gone silent while the official was talking with us. I didn’t bother looking up into the stands. I didn’t want to see the look on mother’s face. She would be furious that I let something like this happen. She’d think it was my fault even though it wasn’t something I could help.

The official standing in front of us nodded to someone off in the distance and the PA system clicked on. I guess they’d been waiting for someone to tell me about my fuck up in person before they announced it to the world.

“First place swimmer has been disqualified. The new winner is…”

I didn’t hear the rest of what the announcer had to say. I felt like I was going to pass out. All those years of hard work. All that time preparing for this moment, and I’d lost.

No, I hadn’t lost. Just losing would be something I could accept. Something I could learn to live with. This hadn’t been losing, though. I’d won my race. I won and I still got disqualified. It didn’t matter because I lost control. Because I couldn’t handle it. Because I got tired, panicked, and used the wrong kick for all of a couple of seconds.

I felt sick. I was in real danger of puking everything I’d eaten that morning, which wasn’t much considering I didn’t want to ralph in the pool in the middle of a race, all over the side of the pool. I’m sure it wouldn’t be the first or the last time something like that happened here.

“Come on Alyssa,” Sarah said, wrapping her arm around me. “Let’s get you back over to sit down. Are you sure you don’t want to see the nurse?”

I waved her away. “No nurse. I’m fine.”

I probably sounded more bitter than Sarah deserved. I also figured if there was anyone out there who understood what I was going through it was her. After all, hadn’t she gone through the same thing just a week ago thanks to me?

I should have trained harder. I should have worked at this to make sure I was at the top of my game. I should have done something to ensure I wouldn’t be bothered by those stupid fucking dizzy spells, and instead I ignored it and figured it would never happen in the middle of a race.

“This is all my fault,” I muttered.

Sarah gave me a funny look but didn’t say anything. I allowed her to pull me back to the bench. It was over. High school swimming ended not with a triumphant bang, but with a pathetic whimper. Disqualified on my final race.

At least I had Sarah here. If she wasn’t around then I’d probably be losing it right about now. I suppose that was a small comfort. She was able to help me the same way I’d helped her after her loss last week.

7: Comfort

Sarah:

Talk about awkward. When I came down here to show my support I figured I’d be supporting a winner. Not that I thought any less of Alyssa because she didn’t win. A DQ was something that could happen to any swimmer. It happened to me during summer swimming back in the summer after my sophomore year and boy had I argued until I was blue in the face with that official who admitted he couldn’t even really see my false start because the sun was in his eyes.

I was surprised Alyssa wasn’t arguing more strenuously on her behalf. If I’d had someone pull my dreams away like that I would’ve challenged the ruling or whatever it was.

I didn’t think it would help a damn bit though. No, I’d been watching Alyssa just as closely as I’m sure the officials were watching her. Just as closely as her nice lady coach had been watching. We’d all seen that brief kick where she seemed to slow down and lose her form for a moment. We’d looked at each other and frowned at the same time.

If we’d both seen it then there was no doubt in my mind one of the officials walking up and down the length of the pool keeping an eye out for just that sort of thing would’ve also seen it. It spoke volumes that Alyssa’s coach wasn’t stepping forward to argue on her behalf.

I moved her over to the bench and sat her down on a towel. She was still dripping wet, but she didn’t bother to dry herself off or anything. No, she just stared ahead in a daze. Not that I could blame her. That’s probably what I looked like after losing to her a week ago.

The tears had come soon after. I braced myself for the worst.

“So do you want to talk about what happened out there or something?” I asked.

Alyssa looked at me and there was such heat, such anger, there that for a moment I wanted to take a step back. Obviously that was the wrong fucking thing to bring up. Then her look softened and she smiled. Reached out to pat my leg which I’m ashamed to admit sent a little thrill running through me.

I shouldn’t be thinking about things like that in this of all times. Not when I needed to provide some comfort to a friend. Even if those things were still very much in the back of my mind. Did that make me a horrible person?

“Nothing happened out there,” she said. “I just lost control for a minute. Can’t really explain what happened other than that. I got too into my own head and now I’ve paid the price.”

I looked at her long and hard. I had trouble believing that someone who’d performed so well under pressure so many times in so many races could “get too into her own head” during the biggest race of her life, but I suppose it was possible. Now wasn’t the time to go accusing her of lying anyways. It’s not like it would help anything and I figured it was best not to bother her when she was already so obviously on edge.

“If you say so,” I said. “Just know that I’m here to talk with you if you ever need to let something out.”

Alyssa gave my leg a squeeze. She’d never pulled her hand away after patting me earlier and boy was I aware of it. I wanted to concentrate on helping her out. On providing a shoulder for her to cry on even though it didn’t look like she was in any danger of crying any time soon. Only all my attention was focused on that spot where her hand made contact with my thigh. I was having trouble thinking of anything else.

I wondered if she had any idea what she was doing to me with that simple touch. I wondered if it was doing anything for her touching me like that.

“Alyssa?”

I closed my eyes and sighed. Of course that moment was too good to last. The unmistakable sound of Alyssa’s mom making her way through the crowd hit my ears and I wanted to growl in frustration. Of course she’d come down here as soon as she realized that her baby wasn’t going to be the big champion after all.

“Let me through! Where’s my baby? I need to see my baby!”

I opened my eyes and looked at Alyssa. She didn’t look too happy about the idea of her mom making her way through the crowd either. Her eyes went wide and she seemed to be panicking in a way that even losing her race hadn’t.

“We could go hide somewhere in the school right now,” I said. “Last chance.”

Alyssa smiled, then took her hand off my leg. Which was a damn shame, because I was really enjoying the contact. It also had me wondering why she’d pull her hand away like that. Was she worried about her mom seeing that and getting the wrong idea about us? Did that mean there was maybe a reason for her mom to be getting the wrong idea about us? Did I want there to be a reason for someone to get the wrong idea about us?

So much going on here. So confusing. Better to try and forget about that, for the moment.

“I think I should stick around,” she said. Then she smiled and I wanted to melt into the tile. “As fun as sneaking off with you sounds.”

“Well the option is always there if you want to get away from it all,” I said.

Her mom burst through the crowd looking around frantically. She locked eyes with Alyssa and took a moment to glare at me. Not that I thought I’d one anything to deserve that glare, but whatever. If she wanted to be crazy then she could be crazy. I wasn’t going to get in the way. Not when she had that frantic mother hen look in her eyes.

She got down on her knees in front of Alyssa and started looking her over.

“What’s wrong honey? I know there has to be something wrong. You wouldn’t let that happen if there wasn’t something wrong!”

Alyssa sighed and rolled her eyes. “I already told coach and Sarah. I’m fine. Nothing’s wrong. I just got a little weirded out in the pool and lost it for a moment.”

Her mom looked up and locked eyes with her. That was a pretty intense stare. My parents had always been pretty easygoing, look at them allowing me to drive a couple of hours on my own to watch a girl I’d never mentioned before swimming for a good example of just how laid back they were, and I’d never been on the business end of that level of parental scrutiny.

It felt weird.

“I don’t believe that for a moment. Is it this girl? Did she distract you or something? You know I don’t approve of people standing down at the end of the lane cheering like that. It only distracts you,” Alyssa’s mom said.

That earned an eye roll from Alyssa. “Mom, you’ve never said anything about not liking people cheering for me. The girls on my team do it at every meet.”

“Well I should have said something,” she said. She looked at me again and the sneer was obvious. This lady didn’t like me for some reason. “Maybe if I had this girl wouldn’t be there to distract you and keep you from winning!”

I wondered if she had some idea of what was going on between me and her daughter. It seemed impossible considering I still wasn’t entirely certain what was going on between me and her daughter, but parents could be annoyingly perceptive sometimes. It was a good thing we’d be going off to college soon enough where we wouldn’t have to worry about her getting too up in our business.

I shivered thinking of that. Just a few months before we’d both be going off to the dorms over the summer. Swimmers had to start working out well before the real season started and that meant we were being put up in the dorms free of charge and without any classes to worry about like others on the swim team since we didn’t technically start school until the fall.

At least I assumed it worked that way for Alyssa.

“Mother,” Alyssa said, a warning tone coming to her voice. “Could you please cut the crap?”

Her mom blinked and drew herself up to her full height, which wasn’t much. “How dare you speak about your mother like that! Why if I…”

“Honey,” Alyssa’s dad said. He put a hand on her shoulder but that seemed to be all it took to distract her. Not that she stopped with the jerk routine. She just turned to face Alyssa’s poor dad and started yelling at him instead of yelling at me and Alyssa.

Well, mostly at Alyssa. Still, there were those glares. They were not pleasant at all.

I leaned in close to Alyssa. “So is she always like this?”

Alyssa turned to me and grinned. “A lot of the time she is, actually. You sort of get used to it, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t looking forward to college next fall.”

“I can’t blame you,” I muttered.

“Besides, I’m still a little shocked over the whole losing thing. Next to that getting yelled at by my mom is downright routine. Kinda comforting, even, in its own fucked up way.”

I sighed and pulled her in for a hug. My heart broke every time I was reminded of her loss. Which was kind of crazy. I figured if anything I should be happy that she lost. Sort of an “if I can’t have it then you shouldn’t have it either” sort of thing, but that was the farthest thing from my mind. No, all I could think about was how horrible it would feel if I was in the same situation. It had been bad enough losing at sectionals. I couldn’t imaging losing after getting all the way to state.

I pulled her in for a hug. I didn’t care that her mom was standing right there and all it would take was one look to set her off. No, all I cared about was being close to Alyssa. I’d be lying if I didn’t say there was at least some ulterior motive for me to pull her in close like that. I’d discovered I enjoyed feeling Alyssa close, and I was suddenly a junkie who was going to take every opportunity possible to feed my new addiction!

Alyssa held me for a moment longer than I figured a friendly hug should last. Unfortunately the hug came to an end and she pulled away fixing me with a smile. She also glanced over towards her mom which had me wondering if maybe she had a reason for not wanting her mom to think there was something going on here.

Assuming there was even something going on here. The jury was still very much out on that.

“Y’know usually we go out for dinner or something after meets. What would you say to joining us?” Alyssa asked.

I smiled, but then glanced over to her mom. She still seemed to be in a heated conversation, oblivious to the world around her or the way people were starting to stare. Their voices were carrying and it did not sound like a pleasant chat.

“Are you sure about that? Your mom kinda seems like she’s on the warpath today for some reason,” I said.

Alyssa leaned in closer and whispered like we were in the middle of some conspiracy or something.

“To tell you the truth? I don’t give a damn what she thinks. You have your car, right?”

I blinked at the sudden change of subject. “What does my car have to do with your mom?”

“Simple. We’re both 18. If I decide to go out with one of my friends and have you drop me off later there’s not a damn thing she can do about it. Either she plays nice and gets to have one final post-high school swim meet dinner with her daughter and friend or she doesn’t and the two of us go out on our own!”

I shivered at the thought of the two of us going out on our own. That sounded suspiciously like a date, and I liked that idea a lot.

Sadly it wasn’t to be. Whatever argument Alyssa’s parents were having came to a close and they turned to regard the two of us as though we were up to something. Which, in a way, I suppose we were.

“What are the two of you going on about?” her mom asked.

“I was just telling Sarah here about how we always go out for dinner after a meet and I was inviting her along,” Alyssa said.

“I don’t think that…”

“And we were also talking about how if you didn’t want to go to dinner with the two of us then we could just maybe hang out on our own while you and dad go do your own thing,” Alyssa finished. It was pretty obvious she didn’t like that idea, but it also seemed Alyssa had masterfully chosen her words so that the threat of us going out on our own was implied without actually coming out and saying it.

Genius. I was really starting to like this girl.

“I suppose that would be all right,” she said. She turned to me and the frown wasn’t quite as large as it had been. I suppose that was progress? “You can follow us to whatever restaurant Alyssa chooses.”

“Don’t worry about that, mom,” Alyssa said. “I’ll be riding with Sarah.”

She turned to me. “I hope that’s okay?”

I grinned. I couldn’t help it. Even with her mom right there ready to make trouble I didn’t care. Sure I’d had a few friends who had trouble with parents not letting them date who they wanted, but we were pretty close to graduating and Alyssa was right. We were both eighteen. It felt good.

“Sounds great to me!”

I was giddy. I was ecstatic. I couldn’t wait for the car ride over to the restaurant, and to see exactly what was happening here and where things were going.

8: Friendly Dinner

Alyssa:

“Are you sure you should be eating that? You have to worry about…”

I looked down at the plate in front of me and suppressed a growl. Mom had always been a little too gung-ho about my diet choices for my taste. The last thing I wanted was to listen to a lecture about how I wasn’t eating properly when I didn’t even start swimming at the college level for a couple of months.

As far as I was concerned that meant I had a couple of months of vacation from swimming. The first couple of months when I didn’t have to worry about hopping in the pool since I was a little kid. Not that it would probably work out that way. I knew I wouldn’t be able to stay away for long.

I’d be right back to swimming with the summer club soon enough even if I didn’t technically have to do it.

“I’m going to eat what I want tonight, mom,” I said. “Could you please not give me any crap over it?”

“You watch your mouth young lady,” she said. “You do not talk to your mother like that!”

I sighed. It looked like it really was going to be one of those nights. Mom’s eyes narrowed at the sigh. She knew what that meant, but I didn’t care. I was feeling strangely giddy tonight. Like I didn’t want to put up with her smothering me for once. Like I wanted to break free rather than dealing with it.

I glanced to the other side of the buffet where Sarah was being sensible and getting some fish concoction along with some vegetables that probably were probably drowned in butter and not all that healthy considering this was a buffet, but her choices were still a damn sight better than the fried stuff on my plate.

She had a lot to do with why I was feeling that way. It was as though having Sarah showing up to show her support, the first time someone had ever really done that and it was my rival from another team, had shown me there was another world coming my way very soon. Another world I’d realized that I very much wanted to be a part of now rather than waiting the month it would take to graduate and get to the dorms.

“Y’know what mom, I think I’m going to go sit on my own for now,” I said. “Why don’t you go over and sit with dad and Coach Scott?”

Her eyes narrowed and she opened her mouth to say something, but I wheeled around and walked off before she could. I’d been dealing with her overbearing side for so long that it felt wrong to turn like this. I felt like I was being a horrible daughter which was probably in no small part due to all the lovely guilt trips she’d taken me on over the years whenever I tried something like this.

But I didn’t care. I moved to a booth on the other side of the restaurant and waved a very confused Sarah over when she stopped to glance between where I sat and where the adults were on the other side of the room.

“Get tired of your parents already?” she asked as she slid into the booth.

“Something like that,” I said.

The guilt was already going down at just a few words from Sarah. Sitting with her made that decision feel right. The two of us on our own over here felt so much better than the awkwardness that would’ve no doubt happened if we were on the other side of the room with my parents.

I did feel a little bad for poor Coach Scott, but that couldn’t be helped. Besides, she’d been around my parents often enough to know how the game was played. She was probably running interference for me right now. Coach was about the only person in the world who my mom deferred to.

I looked down at Sarah’s plate and frowned. She really had been big on the health food. Or at least what passed for healthy food at this place. Again, there wasn’t all that much.

“Getting ready for summer training already?” I asked.

“I suppose,” Sarah said with a shrug. “Honestly I’ve been eating like this for so long that I can’t really imagine getting something unhealthy.”

She looked down at my plate and blushed. “I mean that doesn’t mean that…”

I held up a hand to stop her. “Don’t worry. I’m well aware that my love of all things fried food isn’t exactly the greatest habit to have if I want to be a champion swimmer.”

“So why do it?”

“Because life’s too short to not let loose and enjoy yourself once in awhile,” I said, staring right in her eyes as I said it. My stomach twisted in nervous somersaults as I said it. I wasn’t talking about eating fried food every once in awhile, and something about the way she blushed told me that she was getting the message loud and clear.

“I really want to thank you for coming out here to support me,” I said after that deliciously awkward moment had passed. “It means a lot that you were willing to do that.”

“Yeah, after everything that happened at sectionals I realized I couldn’t not come out here. After all, that was our event you were competing in!”

I frowned and looked down at my plate. It was our event I was competing in. I was competing for both of us, and I’d blown it. Spectacularly. I hadn’t been strong enough to push through the pain and get a win. Some great job I’d done.

I felt something bump against my foot. Weird. Did I hit the column holding it up or something? I moved my foot, but a moment later I felt that bump again. What the heck? I glanced down just in time to catch Sarah’s foot bumping against mine again, only this time she stopped and held her foot there for a moment before pulling it away.

I looked up at her. She had an odd look on her face and that blush was back with a vengeance.

“Sorry,” she said. “Guess there’s not much room down there.”

“Yeah, I guess so,” I said.

Only I think we both knew that was bullshit. I certainly knew that I wanted more. I moved my foot out until I found her leg and started rubbing my ankle ever so slightly against hers. I’d never played footsie with someone before, and it was weird how something as simple as a little bit of contact under the table could be so filled with meaning.

“You don’t need to worry, though. It’s not a problem. At all.”

I paused to consider exactly what the hell we were doing here. I’d never had thoughts like this before for a boy or a girl. I never had time to date. I was so busy with swimming that I didn’t have time to think about boys, let alone girls.

I half expected Sarah to get up and go running out the door. She drove herself. She could escape and leave me here all alone, or worse she could leave me here with my parents, but she didn’t do any of that. She smiled and responded. I shivered. Goose bumps rose all over my body and I felt it responding in ways it never had before with anyone else.

Huh. Maybe I was into girls. I’d been so busy with sports that I never stopped to really consider it, but this felt good. I suppose that was all the proof I really needed, wasn’t it?

I was surprised at how okay I was with that. I didn’t feel any of the panic or identity crisis stuff that you heard about people getting in these situations. Then again maybe all of that was going to come later or something.

Sarah opened her mouth as though she was about to say something. A part of me hoped she might be on the verge of asking me something silly like if I wanted to be her girlfriend. I was sure we were right on the edge of sharing one hell of a moment, only the moment was shattered.

“Are the two of you okay?”

I squeezed my eyes shut even as Sarah’s foot pulled away from mine with surprising speed. Her shoe thunked against the booth and that only seemed to make my mom even more suspicious as she stared down at the two of us as though she knew something. Suspected something.

The moment was gone. Nothing was going to happen with my mother standing right there. Damn it. Why did she have to come up now of all times? Why couldn’t she wait for a minute?

“We’re fine,” I said, my voice slightly icy. I wasn’t happy about being interrupted. No, not at all.

“If you say so,” mom said. She lingered for a moment as though she was about to say something, but never did. Instead she sighed and turned back to the table where she’d been exiled with dad and coach.

Again I struggled with guilt for a moment. That hesitation was probably her waiting for me to give in and invite her to sit with us or something. A day ago I might’ve even done that, but not now. I felt like a different person. I felt like I was breaking free even if I was going back to life as usual soon enough.

“Is she going to be okay?” Sarah asked.

“I think she will be,” I said. “She’s just having trouble letting go now that graduation is getting closer and closer.”

“If you say so,” Sarah said.

“So are you looking forward to getting out to college and swimming?”

Sarah paused for a moment chewing on a bit of green bean. Finally she grinned.

“I’m looking forward to it a lot more now than I was,” she said.

I tried to suppress a thrill. Damn this girl had a way of driving me wild with a few simple words. If this was something that was going to continue when we got to the dorms this summer then I might go crazy. In the best way possible.

“I think I’m feeling the same way,” I said.

We continued chatting about the summer and our plans and whether or not there was a chance we’d wind up in the same dorms. I figured the chances were pretty good. It made sense that they would put student athletes in the same building. That also opened up all sorts of interesting possibilities even though neither one of us had given voice to that electric tension building between us.

And I kept thinking about that interrupted moment when Sarah had been about to say something. Maybe she’d been on the verge of giving voice to these feelings before mom had showed up and ruined the moment. Damn it. That moment never returned, either, though we did get close.

“Either way I figure this is going to be an awesome summer,” Sarah said. “Supposedly there aren’t as many parties going on during the summer, but I figure we’ll be able to find something.”

“That sounds awesome. We’ll be like the two musketeers or something!” I said. On an impulse I reached out and took her hand. We’d long since finished eating and were just chatting about all the fun things we were going to do for this one summer when we had all the fun of being at college without much of the responsibility.

Sarah looked down at my hand on hers and licked her lips, but didn’t say anything. She didn’t pull away either which I figured was a damn good sign. I opened my mouth to ask her for her number, but I couldn’t get the words out. I felt like I was on the verge of passing out. Sort of the same as the feeling I got when coach pushed me past the limit and my body was almost to the point of failure and my limbs were all wobbly and stuff.

Only this was all emotional. I mean there was one hell of a physical response going on too, but still. Sparks were flying. The moment was returning.

And I saw someone moving towards us. I turned and realized my mom was making her way across the room again, damn it. The woman seemed to have a sixth sense about when something was about to happen with me and Sarah. I wondered if she suspected something.

“It’s going to be a long drive home and after everything that happened today I think we should get going now,” mom said, all of the words coming out in a torrent as though she was afraid I’d stop her or something if she paused.

I looked at Sarah who seemed a little irritated. Maybe she’d felt that moment too and didn’t want it interrupted. I wanted to stay, wanted to see if maybe Sarah could give me a ride home or something, but mom put her hand around my arm and pulled me out of the booth.

I turned and mouthed “sorry” to Sarah as I allowed myself to be dragged away. Standing up to my mom when she was being crazy was one thing. Creating a scene where she was physically dragging me from a restaurant was another thing entirely. I’d give her this victory, because soon enough I’d be at college and she wouldn’t be there to interrupt those magic moments.

Assuming that was a magic moment and not just wishful thinking on my part.

One way or another, I was suddenly looking forward to graduation and going off to college even more than I had been.

9: Revelations

Sarah:

I felt funky. It was the only way I could think to describe it. My whole body was tingly all over and I felt like I was on fire. Warmth ran through me every time I thought of everything that happened with Alyssa today.

It all seemed so impossible, but it had all happened. From being welcomed into her little corner of that massive natatorium to playing footsie with each other at the buffet.

Of course there’d also been that business about her mom going a little crazy every time she saw the two of us together. Like she could see that something was going on and didn’t care for it.

Whatever. The whole day had been amazing. It was definitely one I was going to remember. Maybe my only regret was I didn’t get her phone number there at the end. I had a feeling Alyssa’s mom had shown up right when she did on purpose.

That woman seemed to be one of those people who had a sixth sense for when people were about to have a good time coupled with a desire to ruin that good time.

I sighed. I’d been so close to asking her for her number. It felt crazy that I’d even consider asking a girl for her number, but here we were.

More than anything I felt a burning desire to talk to someone about everything that happened today. It was just me and the highway right now, and I wasn’t going to get any satisfaction spilling my guts to the tail lights in front of me.

I fumbled for my phone. My dad was always griping at me about talking on the phone while driving, but I figured it wasn’t like I was texting or anything. Besides, it was just me and the highway and not much in the way of actual traffic. It was safe enough.

I thumbed through my contacts until I reached the person I was looking for. The one person who could truly appreciate what I was going through right now even if his perspective on what I was going through had caused me a bit of heartache once upon a time.

Craig. He’d get a kick out of what I was going through right now. Especially after all the crap I gave him when he came out of the closet and broke up with me.

The irony of the situation wasn’t lost on me.

“Hello?”

Shit. I glanced at the car’s clock. I’d been so preoccupied with the day and Alyssa and everything crazy that happened that I hadn’t stopped to think about the time. It was after eleven o’clock. Not all that late for me, especially on summer vacation, but Craig had always been an early riser.

Damn. I probably woke him up. He sounded groggy and just a little annoyed.

“Craig? I didn’t wake you up, did I?”

“You did, but that’s okay. What’s up?”

I paused and bit my lip. How to proceed? How would he take the news that I was into a girl? I’d said some pretty nasty things to him when he realized he was gay and came out. I’d been hurt. Now, looking back, I was starting to wonder if maybe I hadn’t been a little afraid, too. Afraid that I was seeing a potential future for me even if I didn’t recognize those feelings.

“I have something to confess, and it might make you mad,” I said.

“Sarah, it’s late. Could you please cut the bullshit and just tell me what’s going on?”

“Well I went to the state swim finals today to cheer on Alyssa,” I said.

“That girl you’re always going on about? The one who beat you last week? Why would you want to cheer her on?”

“I have my reasons,” I said, suddenly feeling on the defensive. There was a hint of accusation to his tone that I didn’t like, and it only got worse.

“Sarah, is there something you’re not telling me here? Why would you travel a couple of hours to cheer for a girl you supposedly hate? The stupid cow who was the reason why you weren’t the one swimming at that state meet?”

“She’s not a stupid cow. I was just jealous when I said that,” I snapped. “You don’t know her. She’s a really nice girl and…”

I paused. Craig was laughing on the other end of the line. My eyes narrowed. The bastard set me up. He’d done that just to get a rise out of me! Besides, it’s not like I’d called Alyssa a stupid cow for some time now. At least a couple of months, and even then I didn’t really mean it when I said it. I was just getting into the spirit of competition, is all.

“Sarah dear, if I didn’t know any better I’d almost say you had feelings for this girl!” Craig said.

“I never said that,” I replied.

Damn. He was pulling mind tricks on me or something. Then again wasn’t this what I’d called to talk to him about? Of course there appeared to be a big line between calling to talk to him about the huge girl crush I’d developed and actually getting out that I had a huge girl crush.

It was a big thing to admit to someone else even if it did seem to be the new normal for me.

“Come on Sarah. I’ve known you forever. You can’t bullshit me. Why’d you call me this late? Because if it’s anything less than you falling head over heels for this girl and not knowing who to talk to about it then I’m hanging up right now,” Craig said.

I sighed. The bastard really did know me too well. It was like he could read my mind sometimes. It was too bad he wasn’t into girls, or that I wasn’t into guys apparently, because otherwise we would’ve made one of those perfect cutesy couples you always hear about who starts dating in high school and stays together forever.

It looked like that wasn’t in the cards, though.

“Okay, so maybe there is something weird going on here,” I said. “I mean it’s not like I can help it. I thought I was going down to show her some support and instead…”

“You find yourself falling for a girl?” Craig said. “Pretty weird feeling, isn’t it? I still remember what it felt like the first time I realized I was doing more than glancing around the locker room after practice. Hits you like a ton of bricks, or at least it did me.”

I smiled as I thought of the giddy feelings running through my body whenever I was near Alyssa. Yeah, those feelings sure had hit me like a ton of bricks. I guess I was right in calling Craig. He knew exactly what was going on.

“So what are you going to do about this?” Craig asked.

I sighed. “I don’t know? I mean it was just one day and her mom was a little weird about the whole thing.”

“Yeah, parents can be pretty good about picking up on that sort of thing even when we think we’re being sneaky. My mom told me she’d known for a couple of years when I finally came out to her. Was actually kind of a letdown. I’d been building myself up for this big explosion and instead we just had coffee and she told me she loved me no matter what.”

I giggled. Leave it to Craig to be upset when his mom wasn’t upset about him being gay.

“So what do I do?” I asked. “I never really thought about girls like this. I guess I never really thought about guys like this either except for you.”

“Come on Sarah. Don’t bullshit yourself,” Craig said.

I blinked. Not what I was expecting.

“What are you talking about?”

“I never said anything about this before because of reasons, but did you ever stop to wonder if maybe there was a reason why the two of us got together?” he asked.

“Well I mean I liked you and we were good friends and…”

“And now I came out of the closet and it seems like you’re developing a girl crush. You were never all that passionate when we were together,” Craig said.

“Well you weren’t all that passionate either mister,” I said.

“Fair enough. The point is one of the great things about dating you was you never wanted to really do any of the… stuff… that usually goes along with dating. Did you ever stop to think about why you weren’t that into it?”

I stopped to really think about that. I’d always figured the reason we didn’t get too hot and heavy was because of Craig’s eventual announcement about his preference for the guys, but was there something more to it? It wasn’t really an issue that I pressed. It wasn’t something I’d been all that interested in.

“It’s almost like the only reason I was with you was just so I could say I had a boyfriend,” I whispered, the revelation hitting me like the ton of bricks Craig mentioned. “Because that’s what I thought I was supposed to do.”

“Ding ding ding, and we have a winner,” Craig said. “You just repeated exactly what I said almost word for word when I realized what I really wanted out of life.”

“Damn,” I breathed. “That’s pretty heavy stuff.”

“Tell me about it,” he replied. “I always suspected you weren’t as into me as I wasn’t as into you. So now the question is what are you going to do about it now that we’re being honest with ourselves?”

“I don’t know. I was going to get her phone number but her mom interrupted us,” I said.

“So? Look her up online. We have a thing called the Internet now, you know.”

“You have a point there,” I said. I bit my lip and stared at the telephone poles streaming past my headlights along the dark empty highway. Even the taillights off in front of me had disappeared. Apparently the guy, or girl, in that car had something of a lead foot.

“We’re also going to the same college in the fall. Same swim team, even. She got a scholarship too. We’re going to be together this summer practicing for the fall season,” I said.

Craig barked out a laugh. “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. You’re living the dream!”

“The dream? What are you talking about?”

“Living in the dorms with a hot student athlete that you totally have feelings for but you haven’t said anything about it yet? That’s totally the dream, Sarah. So hot. I wish I was in your shoes this summer, because damn!”

I grinned. He did have a point. A whole summer all to ourselves where the only responsibility we had was getting up in the morning and afternoon and showing up to practice? While everything was being paid for through the generosity of a university athletic department that wanted to keep us happy and swimming at their school?

It really did have all the makings of a perfect summer even before you threw in the whole girl crush thing. Add that into the mix and watch out, baby, because things were going to heat up and I’m not just talking about the weather.

“Maybe you have a point,” I said. “I need to look her up online, don’t I?”

“You bet your ass you do!” Craig said. “Besides, the whole idea of dating your formal rival is kinda hot. You have to admit that.”

I grinned even though he couldn’t see it. Craig had a way of doing that to me. “You’re nuts, Craig.”

“Maybe, but you still love me. Like a friend, of course, since it seems neither one of us is equipped to like the other romantically.”

“If I could stick my tongue out at you right now I totally would,” I said.

“I bet you wouldn’t mind sticking your tongue out at this girl, you minx,” Craig said.

I rolled my eyes when I realized exactly what he was talking about. Of course there was a part of me that figured he was absolutely correct, but I didn’t have to let him know that.

“Okay, and with that I think this conversation is over, Craig. Go back to sleep or whatever it is you do in your bed all alone late at night. I don’t really want to know.”

“Suit yourself,” Craig said. “But I can’t wait to meet this girl when we all get to school in the fall. This is going to be very interesting!”

“I’m so glad you’re living through me,” I muttered. “Bye Craig.”

I ended the call before he could get in any more smart ass comments. I got the distinct feeling that Craig was maybe a little jealous of the situation I suddenly found myself in. Not like it was my fault something like this fell in my lap, though.

I was stunned by this new way of looking at the world. Maybe the reason I hadn’t dated much wasn’t that I didn’t have time for guys. It was just that I wasn’t interested in guys and so it had never come up. And I’d been denying how I felt about girls the entire time, and it took Alyssa coming along and waking me up. Stirring those feelings for the first time.

Damn.

The only thing that really mattered was I felt closer to Alyssa than I had to anyone else. Craig included. I suppose there was a possibility this was just a really strong friendship, but it felt like one hell of a crush and I was pretty sure she felt the same way from how she’d been acting around me.

I turned up the radio and started singing along at full volume. One of the benefits of being all alone in my car. I was positively giddy as I rolled down the highway thinking about Alyssa and everything that happened today. I was ecstatic at the thought that she might be just as into me as I was into her.

One thing was absolutely for certain even if my sexuality was still just a little in question. I was really looking forward to my first summer away from home, and now I had a huge reason for graduation to get here already so I could move on with my life.

The next month or so of waiting was going to be killer.

Part 2: Summer Lovers

10: College Girls

Alyssa:

“Are you sure this is the right place?”

“Yes mom, I’m absolutely sure this is the right place. It says so right here on the map,” I replied.

I held out the pamphlet that had the new campus map. Mom looked down at the GPS display on the center console and then up at my dad. She frowned and I held back the eye roll that was threatening to break free.

“That’s not what the GPS says,” she said. “Look at the screen there. None of the streets on this silly map they gave us even exist on the GPS!”

I bit back a couple of sharp remarks. I’d found that since that fateful day with Sarah I’d been a lot more likely to snap at my mom. Maybe it wasn’t entirely fair to snap at her, maybe she didn’t deserve all of it, but it felt like a lifetime of holding back when she started going overboard was breaking free.

I couldn’t wait until I got to the dorms. I couldn’t wait until I saw Sarah. My phone was buzzing nonstop from her sending me message after message asking when I’d get there. She’d already been in the dorm for most of the morning, and as luck would have it we’d been absolutely right about the school putting up all the student athletes in the same complex.

“Mom, we already went over this with the nice people who gave us directions back at the entrance. They have a lot of new construction around campus and the GPS might not reflect all of that yet,” I said.

“Nonsense. This is the most expensive car in this series. There’s no way it doesn’t have the latest roads on it,” she said, crossing her arms and turning her frown to the outside world. Well at least that was an improvement. She wasn’t frowning at me or dad.

I pointed to a building off in the distance. There was still a crane on top and a few of the windows near the top of the building were open to the world rather than the shiny reflective glass on the rest of the dorm. Obviously they were letting people in before the thing was completely ready to go, but that was fine with me. It meant I’d be staying in the latest and greatest complete with air conditioning rather than one of the older dorms where the university’s idea of comfort was giving you a window fan to circulate air in the muggy summer heat.

Another perk of being a student athlete.

“The dorm is right over there,” I said pointing to the massive building in the distance. It was impossible to miss it. There was even a big sign out front that said “Welcome Student Athletes” in big friendly letters.

Mom looked at it and sniffed. “Go to that building over there Tom,” she said. “Honestly. You can’t even buy a car with an updated GPS? The thing was right in front of us the whole time!”

I sat back in my seat and rolled my eyes. Only another half hour to an hour and I’d be free of this stuff. Hopefully for good. At least for the duration of the summer and the fall semester, though I would have to go home for winter break. That was months away and I was already dreading it.

Still, I was also filled with a delicious anticipation. It wouldn’t be long until I was in the dorms. The dorms where Sarah was staying for the summer too. My phone buzzed again but I ignored it. I didn’t want to be caught texting her right now. Not with mom in the mood she was in.

Getting situated in the dorm wasn’t all that difficult. I’d packed light for the summer. I was just going to have to pick everything up and move in the fall when I was given my permanent assignment. I just hoped it was as cushy as the place I was staying now, because as I stepped into the room I felt like I was in a nice hotel or something.

I knew from campus tours that the rooms could get a lot less nice very quickly. This looked like a hotel room, but there were places on campus that were still made out of cinder blocks with no air conditioning. I’d also have to have a roommate in the fall, but right now I was all on my own thanks to the university having too many rooms and not enough people to fill them over the summer.

I fell back on my bed an kicked it a couple of times. Let out a happy little squeal that I clamped down on as mom walked through the room and gave it her typical critical eye.

“It’s not great, but I suppose it will do,” she said.

“Yeah, that’s nice mom, but I really need to get settled in here and unpack some of my stuff,” I said.

Dad walked in behind her carrying the sum total of everything I needed to unpack for the summer. A large box full of my summer clothes and swim stuff, and a smaller bag that had a few books and my laptop in it. Like I said, I packed light for the summer because I didn’t want to move a bunch of stuff when the fall semester hit.

Besides, it’s not like I anticipated spending a bunch of time in the dorm. I was here to swim and explore the campus. See what life was like around here. Maybe get a head start on going to a few parties or something.

The important thing is I wasn’t going to be around my mom for awhile.

“Are you sure honey?” mom said, false concern suddenly dripping from her voice. I braced myself. That probably meant she was about to try and stick around longer. “I mean we could stay here and help you redecorate this place. Really make it feel like home. Then we could go out to dinner this evening!”

I fought back the urge to roll my eyes and groan. Yup. She was trying to hang on for as long as possible. With any other parent I could sympathize. Figure maybe they were suffering from early onset empty nest syndrome or something. With my mom, though, I was pretty sure she was just angling for a way to stick around and keep her hooks in me for as long as possible.

“Really, I’m fine,” I said. “I’m going to go down to the cafeteria in the basement or something for dinner. That’s why they gave us a meal plan, after all!”

Mom looked around the room one more time. Fixed me with a suspicious look as though she was wondering if I was up to something. Which I totally was, but she didn’t need to know that. I just smiled my best sweet and innocent smile and hoped that would be enough to disarm those suspicions. I also hoped she would get the heck out of here so I could go exploring.

“She wants to be alone for now honey,” dad finally said, winking at me from behind mom where she couldn’t see him. I would’ve winked back, but that would’ve given up the game. Instead I tried to look as sweet and innocent as possible. Nothing at all like a girl who was hoping her parents could leave so she could finally cut loose a little bit.

“Fine,” mom said with a sigh. “I’ll be sure to call you every night! You stay safe.”

She rushed across the room and wrapped me in a hug. I returned it. I figured there was probably at least some genuine emotion there. For a brief moment I even felt myself getting a little choked up at the idea of leaving my parents behind for the first time in my life.

It was a very brief moment.

Then the hug was over and mom was moving over to the door with dad pulling her along. More like he was dragging her along. Either way, soon enough the door closed with dad giving me one last wink. This time I did smile and wink back at him since mom couldn’t see. He was taking one for the team, for sure. Then again he was the one who married her, even if that wasn’t an entirely fair thought since him marrying her resulted in me. Something had to be working between them for them to stay together for so long considering how overbearing my mom could be.

I fell back on my bed again and let out a long relieved sigh. I was finally free. For a couple of months. Except for when mom would make those inevitable calls she’d threatened. There was no doubt in my mind that it was a threat and a promise.

A knock on the door pulled me out of my brief enjoyment of my freedom. It had been so short. I squeezed my eyes shut and the sigh I let out this time was anything but relieved. She couldn’t even make it down the hall before she had to turn around and start meddling in my life again? That woman was insufferable and crazy, and the more I sat back and looked at life in my house from the perspective of someone about to break free the more I realized just how crazy things were.

I dragged my feet over to the door. Hesitated for a moment before I opened it. I didn’t know if I had the strength to resist her mothering me right now. Not after I’d used so much mental energy to try and resist talking back to her on the car ride over here.

I pulled the door open expecting the worst and finding the best. Sarah stood on the other side with her fist raised as though she was about to knock on the door again. As soon as she saw me her face split into a huge grin that had me melting where I stood. Then I didn’t have time to worry about melting because she tackled me in a huge hug that had me stumbling back a few steps.

Sarah might be lean in all the right places from swimming, but she was also heavy. There was a lot of muscle hidden under that T-shirt and shhorts.

“I thought your mom was never going to leave,” Sarah said.

“Yeah, I was thinking the same thing. It took my dad dragging her away to finally get rid of her. She’s been really overboard ever since she realized her girl is going off to college and she’s not going to have anyone to boss around at home anymore.”

Sarah rolled her eyes. “I don’t know how you put up with it.”

“Yeah, well right now I’ve got the whole summer away from them, and I’m going to enjoy it!”

“So what would you say to getting a little bit of lunch in the cafeteria down in the basement?”

I pulled out my phone and glanced at the time there. “Don’t you think it’s a little late for lunch?”

Sarah wrapped an arm around me and I was reminded of the feelings I’d been missing so much since the state swim championships. Talking to her online had been fun and all, but there was nothing like the feeling of having her up close and personal with her body pressing against mine. I closed my eyes and allowed myself to enjoy the moment as feelings that I’d been trying to forget, without much luck I might add, came flooding back.

“That’s the beauty about college, Alyssa,” she said. “We can do whatever we want on whatever schedule we want.”

I allowed her to pull me out into the hall. The door clicked shut behind me and for a panicked moment I ran my hands over my pockets to make sure the little computer chip the university handed out was still in my pocket. I breathed a sigh of relief. I hadn’t just locked myself out of my room on my first day on campus. Talk about potential embarrassment.

“Well almost whatever schedule we want,” I said. “We do have to get up in the morning to go to practice. And show up in the afternoon for practice too.”

“I know,” Sarah said. “They’re letting us off so easy. Did you know practice here starts at seven in the morning? I can’t believe they let us sleep in that late!”

I giggled. “I couldn’t believe it either. I’ve been getting up at five in the morning for so long that my body isn’t going to know how to deal with sleeping in like that!”

“Exactly. And I was down at the pool earlier today. No one was around, but I saw their record board. We’re going to get to set all sorts of new records here, even if neither one of us got that state title we wanted,” Sarah said.

I frowned for a moment. I always felt a darkness pass over me when I thought about the state title. One credit to my parents, they didn’t mention it at all. I wasn’t sure if that darkness was because I’d spent so long reaching for that goal only to have it snatched away from me at the last moment, or because it reminded me of that strange weakness I felt in the pool. It hadn’t come back since, but I hadn’t pushed myself all that hard since that day either.

Partly because I was afraid of that coming back. I worried it would come back and affect my scholarship here. As always, I pushed those thoughts away. I hadn’t felt dizzy or exhausted for awhile now, and whatever was going on was probably good and gone by now.

I hoped.

“…and the best thing is we get to do it all on the college’s dime! Talk about a perk for being good at sports! Heck, we might even be contenders for the next Olympics!”

Whoops. Sarah kept right on talking while I was off in my own little world. I smiled and tried to figure out what she’d been saying. The Olympics? I laughed.

“Yeah, that’ll be the day. We might be good enough for a scholarship, but I don’t think either of us are that fast,” I said.

“Well you never know. Work hard and it might happen. Besides, a gold medal sounds a heck of a lot nicer than some stupid state championship ribbon!”

We stopped in front of the elevator and paused. On an impulse I reached out and took Sarah’s hand. She looked down at my hand and blushed, but she didn’t make any move to pull away.

“I’m really glad that you’re here, Sarah,” I said. “I don’t know what I’d do if I was off in a strange new place without a friendly face to keep me company.”

Sarah’s blush deepened. She took a moment before replying. “I’m really glad you’re here too. I think this is going to be a fun summer!”

I couldn’t agree with her more. The door dinged and we stepped onto the elevator, but I didn’t let go of her hand. That felt nice, and I didn’t want to give it up. So we rode down in silence, neither one of us commenting on our bodies joined together like that but my body on fire.

Yeah, it was going to be one fun summer all right. The possibilities felt endless.

11: Campus Summer

Sarah:

I leaned back on the grass and took in everything. The sun shining overhead. The blue sky with fluffy clouds floating by without a care in the world. The incoming freshmen walking past with orientation groups giving campus tours. The natatorium right in front of us across the way.

Alyssa lying beside me in the grass watching everything with the same casual disinterest I was.

That was the most important thing. We hadn’t been apart that often in the week we’d been here getting into the swing of things. We both joined the same freshman orientation group, the one thing school related that we had to complete before the summer was over, and signed up for our classes together.

I was getting used to having her around, and I liked it. I wanted to reach out and hold her hand like we had a couple of times when we were both pretty sure there wasn’t anyone else around to see us holding hands, but I held back on that urge.

We were in public. There were lots of people walking past. To hold her hand now would violate that unspoken agreement we had. Even if I desperately wanted to break that agreement.

“That girl over there had to be goth, or whatever they call it now,” Alyssa said, nodding to a girl in one of the tour groups passing us by.

I squinted my eyes as I looked at her. The girl was pretty enough. That was something new I was getting used to. I’d always appreciated girls, but it was as though being around Alyssa had unleashed something hiding within me and now I really appreciated girls when I had a look. The girl was dressed in a preppy outfit that was fashionable enough. The sort of generic college high fashion you could get on the cheap down at any chain store at the mall.

“What makes you think that? She looks like the head cheerleader holding court. Look at all those jock guys who are hanging around her? She’s with her people. No way was she the goth type,” I replied.

“Yeah? Well look at her hair,” Alyssa said.

I stopped and really looked at it. The girl was blonde, but it looked like the blonde was a hasty dye job that had poorly covered up dark hair and some bright colors. I grinned.

“Huh. You’re right. Guess somebody was tired of being dark and brooding and decided to make a change when they got to college,” I said.

“Exactly. Like that guy over there. Check him out,” Alyssa said.

I blushed at her choice of words. I hadn’t much felt like checking any guys out since I started hanging out with Alyssa. I did as she asked, though. The guy was talking with some girl who definitely looked to be the head cheerleader and prom queen type. The girl was gorgeous. Like the girl next door and a supermodel all wrapped into one tight little package.

I paused to shake myself mentally at that language. Did I really just call a girl a “tight little package?” I pushed those thoughts away. That was becoming the new normal for me, and it was surprising how quickly I was adjusting to it.

The guy seemed nervous even though they were chatting like they were old friends. Even though she was leaning in and putting her hand on him and giving him all sorts of openings. The guy seemed like he wasn’t quite sure what to do, which was odd for a guy as built as that.

“What do you think his story is?” I asked.

“That one’s easy,” Alyssa said. “He’s probably a former fat kid who got in shape in high school. Only problem is he probably went to a small school like just about everyone else in this state, and they all remembered the fat nerd long after he’d worked himself out of that. Now he’s off at college looking hot as fuck but without any of the confidence or douchiness you’d expect from a guy who looks like that. Some pretty thing is going to eat him alive.”

I whistled and shook my head. I also suppressed a small flash of jealousy when she mentioned that the guy looked hot as fuck. I had no reason to be super jealous, after all. It’s not like anything was going on between me and Alyssa.

Not officially, at least.

“You’re like a social Sherlock Holmes or something,” I said. “How do you do that?”

Alyssa shrugged. “I could be wrong. No way to tell for sure unless we go talk to that guy, and I don’t want to ruin his chances with that girl.”

“Still, how can you do that?”

“I spent a lot of time watching people when I was on the team. I was always kind of alone. Everyone else was having fun and I was so focused on winning and it seemed like some of them maybe resented me for being so good so…”

Alyssa trailed off and I felt my heart break. Partly because that was so sad, but mostly because I recognized a lot of my own story in that.

“I know how you feel,” I said.

We lapsed into silence for a little while after that. I wasn’t quite sure what to say to that admission that Alyssa had felt all alone in the middle of her team. I felt the same way, I could understand how she felt, but it seemed like the right thing to do was just sit back and be there for each other without trying to say anything.

Another group walked past that couldn’t be more different from the freshmen. They looked more confident, but the big difference was in how they dressed. As though they’d thrown something on that morning and didn’t care what they looked like or what the world thought of what they looked like. All the incoming students showing up for freshman orientation had a quiet desperation about them as though they were trying just a little too hard to impress everyone around them.

Older students didn’t care. They also looked at the incoming freshman with looks that bordered on pity. When they weren’t openly checking out some of the hotter members of the freshman orientation groups, that is.

A couple of guys had even checked out me and Alyssa as we sat here letting our hair dry in the sun and people watched. It’s not like we had anything more pressing to do.

“Those poor bastards,” I muttered.

“What are you talking about?” Alyssa asked.

“All those upperclassmen walking around like they own the place, but at the end of the day they all have to go to class and we get to sit here and enjoy the day,” I said.

“Yeah, well I figure we earned it. Years of busting my ass getting up in the morning swimming as hard as I could? Years of studying and working hard so I could be near the top of my class? I figure I enjoy a little time off. This summer is going to be the only time that ever happens. They’ll expect us to actually take classes next year between practices.

I sighed. “You’re right. Might as well enjoy it now.”

“Besides, I feel worse for the people coming through for orientation. All of them trying to be something new. Something different. Like college is a blank slate for them, but at the end of the day wherever they go there they are. You can’t just change who you are. Not deep down.”

“I don’t know. I think you can change a little about who you are. It’s not like the person you’re going to be is set in stone in high school or something,” I said. “Life would be horrifying if that was the case.”

“That’s not what I meant,” Alyssa said. “I’m just saying that deep down you are who you are. You might run from that. You might think it’s wrong, but in the end you can’t escape it. Not really.”

I suddenly had a sneaking suspicion that we weren’t talking about changing how you dressed for college. No, this conversation had taken a much deeper turn. I felt my stomach churning at her words.

“I suppose you’re right. You can’t escape who you are,” I said.

Alyssa did something that made my stomach go from churning to outright doing back flips. She reached out and touched her hand to mine in the grass. It was such a simple gesture, something we’d done so many times when it was just the two of us alone.

This was the first time she’d done it where we had an audience, though. I shivered and goose bumps rose all over, but I wasn’t about to stop her. I’d been letting her take her time, but I didn’t have any shame about holding her hand in public. No, as far as I was concerned it had taken too damn long for us to get to this point!

Alyssa turned to me and her smile was hesitant, but it was there.

“I’m glad you agree with me,” she said, her voice barely above a whisper.

I licked my lips. This felt like another one of those moments. Almost exactly like the one we’d shared over a month ago in that buffet before her mom came barging up and interrupted. Only there was absolutely nothing to interrupt the moment now, and that was just fine by me.

Until, of course, the universe conspired to interrupt the moment because why should I be allowed to have nice things?

“Hey! You two having fun out here?”

I turned towards the voice but I was glad to feel that Alyssa wasn’t pulling her hand away. Even with the distraction of someone coming towards us from the natatorium my entire being was laser focused on that spot where we touched.

I looked at the guy approaching. I suppose he was attractive enough, in that I could tell that he was what Hollywood and pretty much the entire culture told me I was supposed to find attractive. Since discovering my feelings for Alyssa I’d realized that my idea of an attractive man was shaped more by what everyone else said and attractive man was supposed to be and less by what I thought an attractive man was.

Since I wasn’t really into attractive men. It just took a little time, and Alyssa, to get me to finally realize that.

“Do you know his name?” Alyssa asked.

I tried to think if I’d been introduced to the guy. I recognized him. He was a junior on the guys team and he seemed to be pretty popular, but we hadn’t had much time to interact with the guys. Their practice was usually starting up as ours was getting finished anyways. Not at all like back in high school when they couldn’t afford to have two teams practicing at different hours, and it didn’t matter anyways because even with both teams swimming together there was still plenty of room left over.

College was way different in a lot of ways. Having a pool full of girls surrounding me was just one of the small ways it felt so weird.

“No idea,” I said. “Just play along and figure out what he wants?”

“I have a feeling I know what he wants,” Alyssa said.

As he got closer I could see what she meant. He wasn’t being shy about checking us out, though he seemed to be paying particular attention to Alyssa. The way his eyes ran up and down her body had a jealous monster roaring inside me. I wanted to jump on the dude and claw his eyes out, but I resisted the urge. That wouldn’t be productive.

He returned his attention to me and grinned.

“I’m Todd,” he said. “I’ve seen the two of you around after practice. Figured I should introduce myself.”

“I’m Sarah,” I said. “And this is Alyssa.”

I’m not sure why I spoke for her. I suppose a bit of that jealousy was still shining through. Alyssa didn’t seem to mind. At least she didn’t say anything, though I might hear about it later.

“Nice to meet both of you,” he said, though again the way his eyes ran over Alyssa made it clear which of the two of us he was happiest to be meeting.

“So did you have a reason for talking to us or…” I asked, again sounding maybe a little more short than the situation really called for.

“Right,” he said. “So we’re having a little get together at a house some of the guys share. All the girls from the team will be there and a lot of the guys to. It’s sort of a team building thing we do at the beginning of every summer so everyone gets to know everybody.”

Huh. A party invitation. Not where I thought this was going. Then again a party was where things tended to happen at college. Maybe he was hoping to get us there and get us drunk so he could have some fun. That jealousy flared again, but I wasn’t going to speak for Alyssa on this.

I glanced at her and she shrugged. I had no intention of going if she wasn’t going, but she didn’t seem against the idea. “If everyone on the team is going then it can’t hurt to check it out,” she said.

“I don’t know. I didn’t hear any of the other girls talking about it,” I said.

Alyssa rolled her eyes. “Probably because they were all underwater swimming back and forth. It’s not like we have much time to chat while we’re practicing.”

She did have a point. And it’s not like she was saying no. I turned back to the guy. Todd. He still stood there with a cocky smile on his face as though it was all but assured that we were going to go to his party. I wondered how many freshman girls had fallen all over themselves for a chance at getting with him before.

Well he wasn’t going to get that with us. I didn’t like the guy even if I couldn’t quite explain why I didn’t like him.

“I guess we can go. What’s the address?” I asked.

“Well if one of you lovely ladies give me your phone number I’d be happy to…”

I held up a hand to stop him. I didn’t want him having my phone number and for some reason I definitely didn’t want him having Alyssa’s phone number.

“How about you just tell me the address and time and I’ll put it in my phone?”

I smiled my sweetest smile. Tried to seem like I wasn’t putting him off even though that’s exactly what I was doing. He hesitated for a moment. I’m sure this wasn’t part of the plan. Finally he rattled off an address and a time for tomorrow night, really fast, and then walked off in a huff.

“What was that all about?” Alyssa asked after he was gone.

I stared after him, my eyes narrowed. “Did you see the way he was looking at you?”

“So? Should it matter that he was staring at me like that?” Alyssa asked. She gave my hand a squeeze.

I looked at her. She looked very serious all of a sudden.

“Maybe it is,” I said.

Alyssa grinned and gave my hand another squeeze. The moment might have been rudely interrupted, but it was far from over. We settled into a comfortable silence after that. Everything that needed to be said in that moment had been said, and through another one of those silent agreements we sat back and enjoyed the day hand in hand and in silence.

12: Party Down

Alyssa:

I leaned in close to the mirror to get a good look at my face. The mirror was ancient and a little foggy and it made it a real pain in the ass to put makeup on. I glanced over to Sarah who was doing the same thing next to me.

She looked good when she was getting ready for a night out. I’d only seen her in her regular day-to-day clothes or in the comfortable stuff we wore after swim practice. This was the first time either one of us had really gotten dolled up to go out to a party or something and I was liking what I was seeing.

I wondered if she felt the same way about how I looked. Heck, I wondered if she even cared. It was silly. Here I was going to a party with some hot upperclassman guys and the only thing I could think about was what my friend looked like in her tank top and a pair of impossibly tight shorts.

I blushed and went back to the foggy mirror. Wasn’t this supposed to be a new dorm? Did they grab an ancient mirror from one of the old buildings they’d demolished and put it in here to make sure students staying here weren’t going to get too comfortable?

“So what do you think this party is going to be like?” Sarah asked.

I frowned at my face staring back at me in the mirror, and it didn’t have anything to do with the crappy quality of the reflection.

The truth was I didn’t have much experience with partying. I’d spent most of my time swimming and the rest of my time going to bed early so I could swim some more first thing in the morning. There wasn’t much time for parties when you were busy maintaining a killer schedule to be the best of the best.

“I suppose it’ll be like pretty much all parties,” I said. “People getting drunk. Having a good time. The usual.”

I blushed. I was such a liar. The only thing I knew about parties came from watching cheesy television shows and movies, and something told me those weren’t a very accurate representation of what going to a party was actually like.

I was such a fraud. About how I felt about Sarah. About my past experience. I was no better than those people we were making fun of outside the natatorium. Everyone was trying to be someone new when they got to college, and I was no different.

“I don’t really have much experience with this sort of thing,” Sarah said. “If you do you’re going to have to take point tonight. This is all pretty new to me. I didn’t get out much. I was always so busy with swimming and all…”

I blushed again. Here Sarah was being completely honest about everything. Well, almost everything. There was still all that hand holding to contend with. It seemed like neither one of us was really willing to address what that really meant. It felt pretty good to me though, so I wasn’t going to say anything that might bring an end to the fun.

All that hand holding. Was that just a friendly thing or did it mean more? I mean sure I’d never held hands with any of my friends like that, but I’d also never had a friend quite as close as Sarah. It was kind of surprising and just a little scary how quickly we’d become so close over the past couple of months chatting and the past couple of weeks spent together here on campus.

And there was how she’d reacted to that guy acting interested in me earlier in the day. That seemed pretty jealous. Was she jealous? I shivered and felt a tingle run along my skin at the thought. What did that mean that I liked the idea of her getting jealous when a guy was hitting on me?

“Do you think there will be many cute guys out there tonight?” I asked.

Heck, if I was going to wonder then I might as well go for the gold and hit this head on. I glanced over to her. I was very curious to see how she’d react to that question.

What a reaction! She dropped her eyeliner and had to scramble to catch it before it went down a drain that didn’t have a stopper in it. Yeah, whoever put this dorm together had missed a few spots.

“Cute guys? I mean I suppose there are a few cute guys on the team, right?” she said. “Why? Are you interested in any of them or anything?”

“I don’t know,” I said. “Should I be interested in any of them? I mean it’s not like I have any other options, right?”

Okay so I was deliberately pushing her buttons now. I had a pretty good idea of how she felt, but I wanted her to admit it. I was terrified of being the first one to admit anything. What if I did and it turned out I’d been totally wrong?

I needed to play it safe with something this important. I kept thinking about a couple of girls who came out at my school and created a minor scandal. I never thought of myself like that, and it’s not like I was in that town anymore, but the zap that put on my head was still very much with me.

“I don’t know,” Sarah said. “Maybe we should hit the party and see what happens?”

Damn it. She was being just as coy as me. Well if she wasn’t going to say anything then I wasn’t going to say anything. I suddenly felt more irritable than before. I snapped a compact shut and started throwing thing into a bag.

“Fine. In that case we should get to this party and see what’s on offer. I’m sure Todd will be very happy to see me.”

I was irritated because she wasn’t saying anything. I was irritated because I was too much of a scaredy cat to say anything. I was irritated because even though I was supposed to be excited about going to my first college party the only thing I really wanted to do was stay in at the dorms and spend time with Sarah but that wasn’t going to happen.

Mostly I was irritated that I was taking this all out on Sarah. That wasn’t fair, but it was happening. I finished shoving things into my bag and tried to fix her with a smile. I didn’t do a great job though. She had a funny look on her face too. As though she was hiding something behind her smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes.

“Yeah, let’s go,” she said. “Wouldn’t want you to miss your chance with the hot swimmer guy, would we?”

That pissed me off so much that I didn’t say anything on the walk over to the house. Sarah didn’t talk either. She just stared down at her phone doing the navigating. That was fine with me. I was pissed that she was acting like this. I was a little pissed that I was acting like this. I was really pissed that everything had been going so well between us for the past couple of weeks and now it was all going to hell in the blink of an eye.

Damn it.

We reached the house and it seemed like your usual party place where a bunch of guys would live. At least based on what I knew from the movies. Again, my knowledge of college was pretty much based entirely on what I saw on TV. We were about to get a trial by fire.

“Something seem wrong about this place to you?” Sarah asked.

I cast an irritated glance towards her. It wasn’t fair to be irritated with her, but I was so annoyed from our sort-of argument earlier that I almost didn’t want to say anything to her.

I looked at the house. There were guys going in and out with drinks in hand. There were a few girls standing on the front porch giggling and they all looked like they were having a pretty good time. I didn’t see anything out of the ordinary. I didn’t really know what I was looking for either.

“What’s wrong? It looks like a house where people are having a party,” I said. “I don’t see what the big deal is.”

More irritation. Sarah’s eyes narrowed at that. “Look at those girls.”

I looked again. I still didn’t see what the big deal was. “So there are girls at a party? So what? I thought the whole point of these things was to get drunk and hook up with people?”

Sarah sighed and let out a low growl. Now that was interesting. Finally I was getting a rise out of her. Nice to know I could inspire some emotion in her even if it wasn’t exactly the emotion I wanted to inspire.

“None of those girls are from the team. That’s the problem. I don’t see a single face I recognize there,” I said.

“Maybe they’re all inside?” I asked. “I still don’t see what the big deal is. So there aren’t many girls from the team.”

“So that means the guy lied to us about something. If he lied to us about this being a swim team party then what else might he lie to us about?”

I let out a growl of my own and rolled my eyes. “You just don’t want me going in there and having a good time with Todd. Could you just admit that?”

I turned and stared at her. A blush crossed her face. It was pretty obvious even in the darkness. Her mouth worked but she was having trouble getting anything out. Finally she scowled.

“Why would I care if you had anything to do with Todd?”

“I don’t know. Why should you care if I had anything to do with Todd?” I asked. “You tell me.”

This was it. This was her chance. I was giving her the perfect opportunity to just admit something. Admit how she felt. Admit that she thought there was something between us. I wanted her to come out and say that she didn’t want me going to this party. That she didn’t want me near Todd.

It occurred to me that I could just say those things as well. I could end all of this with a few words. I could tell her the strange wonderful feelings that had been confusing me ever since I met her, but I was angry. People do stupid stuff when they’re angry.

I was being pretty stupid right now. I could recognize it, but I was so mad that I wasn’t going to do anything about it.

Sarah sniffed. “Fine. We’ll go in there, but I’m telling you now this is all going to end in tears.”

“Fine,” I said. I wheeled around and walked up the front walk, not bothering to turn and see if Sarah was following me. I knew she’d be back there following. She was upset about the idea of me getting with this guy, and she wasn’t going to leave me alone with him if she thought something was going on here.

The thought made me feel good even as it made me feel guilty.

I stepped through the door and Todd was right there smiling with a drink in hand. I’d never really drank before, but I took the cup he offered without hesitation and took a drink. I also had to concentrate really hard on not spitting the stuff out all over him.

Damn. No one ever told me how disgusting beer tasted! It was all fizzy and disgusting.

“Glad you could make it,” Todd said, seemingly oblivious to the funny faces I was making as I tried to choke down the beer he’d offered. Damn that was disgusting.

“Yeah, well I wouldn’t want to miss my first ever real college party,” I said.

Todd’s eyebrows rose at that. “Your first ever, huh? Well I’m glad to be the one who popped your cherry!”

There was something about the look on his face that made me very uncomfortable. Not to mention that what he’d just said was totally inappropriate and very disgusting considering we’d just met. What kind of girl did he think I was?

Sarah appeared behind me and Todd’s smile faltered for a moment.

“Good to see you too,” he said. “Want a drink?”

“No, I’m good,” she said, her voice icy. She turned to me. “Are you sure you should be drinking that? Didn’t coach say something about alcohol being pretty bad for you?”

Todd laughed and waved a hand. “Are you kidding? Everybody gets that speech when they start on the team and everyone’s ignoring it by the second week of summer! I’m surprised the two of you lasted this long!”

He put an arm around me and pulled me deeper into the party where music pumped all around us and there was a sea of bodies coming together as people talked and laughed and seemed like they were having a good time. I shrugged and figured when in Rome. I’d come here to have a good time, after all, and if everyone else did it why not?

I took another drink. I was already feeling lightheaded. I wasn’t sure if that was because of the booze or because I thought I should feel lightheaded. Either way it felt good. Weird, but good.

“Alyssa, where are you going?” Sarah asked.

I wheeled around. Maybe it was the alcohol doing some of the talking, but the anger I’d felt all evening finally came spilling out.

“I don’t know. Where am I going? Do you have something to say that would stop me? Because if you do now would be a hell of a time for you to grow a pair,” I snapped.

The look on Sarah’s face broke my heart and I knew I’d gone too far. It was as though she’d been destroyed by my words, and I couldn’t believe I said that even as they left my lips. I wanted to apologize as she stood there looking like she was on the verge of tears, but before I could say anything Todd chuckled and pulled me deeper into the party.

I let him lead me away. I needed to be away from Sarah. As much because of the shame over what I’d done to her as because I was angry with her. That heat was starting to fade and be replaced by guilt, and I didn’t like it one bit.

The guilt was too much. I needed to go back. I tried to pull away from Todd, but he had a strong grip on my shoulders.

“I need to go back and talk to my friend,” I said.

“No you don’t,” he replied. “What you need is some time with me. Not time with that dyke in training.”

“What did you say about my friend?” I asked. I yanked away from him and this time I did manage to break free. I stared up at him with fury in my face. How dare he talk about Sarah like that!

A little voice whispered that he was talking about me like that when he talked about Sarah like that.

“Come on,” he said. “The way she’s hanging around you. The way she looks at you. The way you were doing that hand holding thing? It’s obvious what’s going on there. The question is are you into that or are you on the straight and narrow?”

He put his arms to either side of my head so it was difficult for me to get away. He leaned in as though he was going to try and kiss me and I put a hand against his chest to hold him back.

“I don’t know what you were expecting, but that’s not happening,” I said.

His face screwed up in pure anger. Dang. I’d heard about this sort of thing happening, my mom had warned me before I came to college, but I never thought it would happen to me. You always think other people become statistics, not you.

“Maybe you just don’t know that you want it,” he said. He leaned in again to kiss me and this time I ducked down between his arms and slipped to the side to try and get away. I tried to control my breathing. I told myself that the situation was still under control even if it didn’t quite feel that way. I could still get out of this.

I moved down the hall and the drink sloshed in my hands. I felt something clasp onto my arm and wheel me around. I was face to face with this jerk again. He stared down at me and he wasn’t quite angry, but he didn’t look like he was happy.

“You don’t run away from me,” he said. His voice stank of stale beer. “I know what girls like you want when you come to parties like this.”

“I came here because you invited me you idiot!” I shouted. I tried to pull my arm away but he held me in a vice grip. “Let me go. You’re hurting me!”

“No way,” he said, leaning down again.

I figured I could take care of distracting him and getting rid of this awkward drink with the same motion. I splashed the beer on his face and he took a step back. When he looked back up at me there was something there that I didn’t like at all. Something that told me I was about to be in a world of trouble. He took a step forward.

“You’re going to pay for that by giving me what I want, sweet thing,” he said.

I didn’t know what to do. I was rooted to the spot. I couldn’t believe this was happening. He took another step closer and a blur stepped in between us and shoved him back against the wall. When the blur came to a rest I blinked.

“Sarah?”

She looked furious. She stood there with her chest heaving and her fist raised like an avenging angel or something. She looked glorious, and she was here to save me.

13: Rescue

Sarah:

I was furious. Sure there was a part of me that thought I should turn around and leave the party. Part of me was screaming that if Alyssa wanted to make the biggest mistake of her life and go having fun with some guy then that was her business and none of mine.

Ultimately, though, jealousy had won out. Jealousy and worry about what might happen if she was left all on her own with that jerk somewhere in this house. Who knew how the night might end? And as I rounded the corner into an out of the way hall it seemed that all of my suspicions had been absolutely right.

The asshole had his hands around Alyssa’s arm and she was trying to pull away. He had a furious look on his face and it didn’t take a genius to figure out that something very dangerous was going on here. He glanced at me but either it didn’t register who I was or he didn’t think I was a threat.

I frowned. Well buddy here was about to learn the hard way that I hit hard when I was pissed off. If he was laying hands on Alyssa then I was good and pissed off. I stepped forward and he didn’t even try to get out of the way as I grabbed him.

He sure as hell let go of Alyssa once I had a good hold on him though! The jerk let out a pained cry as I slammed him against a wall and he blinked a couple of times. I hoped I didn’t hit him against the wall too hard. It was everything he deserved, but the last thing I needed was someone charging me with assault or something. Hopefully it was just that he was drunk.

“What the hell is your problem bitch?” he shouted.

“My problem is you were getting fresh with my friend there and it looks like she wasn’t in a mood for that sort of thing,” I growled. I raised my fist and his eyes went wide. “So do we have a problem here or what?”

I was pumped with adrenaline. Probably a good thing. I wasn’t sure if I could take this guy if all things were equal. Sure I was strong from swimming and lifting, but I didn’t know that I was strong enough to take a guy who probably had the same workout habits that I did.

When he was just a little drunk and I was pumped up on anger and adrenaline, though? It was no fucking contest. This guy was going to be in for a world of hurt if he tried anything on me.

“God, I’m not going to go after your girlfriend you jealous bitch,” he said.

My fist sort of slipped. Just a little. Enough that it made contact with his nose. Also just a little. Oops.

“Motherfucker!” he shouted as he stepped away. He didn’t have a bloody nose or anything so I couldn’t have hit him that hard. He was clutching at his eye, though. Oh. Maybe I hit him there? I was no good at this whole fighting thing. I had no idea what the heck I was doing. I just knew that my knuckles hurt, but I was pretty sure I didn’t break anything on his end or my end. He was stumbling away, though, so at least I got my point across.

He wasn’t going to be causing any trouble for us for the rest of the night, at least. We were getting the hell out of here. I was pretty sure this wasn’t a swim team party at all. He’d just used that to get us out here and it was pretty fucking obvious why he wanted to get us out here in the first place.

The big jerk.

I moved over to Alyssa and put a hand around her. She flinched when I touched her at first which broke my heart, but I wasn’t putting up with that crap. I was still a touch angry at her for what she’d said and for putting herself in this situation in the first place just to make me mad, but damn it I was going to make sure she got out of here safely. So I pulled her along whether she wanted to or not.

I only had to take a couple of steps before she followed along. Slow at first but then picking up speed.

“Come on Alyssa,” I muttered. “We’re getting you out of here. I don’t want you around that jerk again tonight.”

She didn’t say anything as we stepped out of the house and into the relatively cool night air. That house didn’t have anything in the way of air conditioning, typical student housing, and it was a relief to be out in the open where there was a breeze and not in a stuffy house where the heat of a bunch of people coming together added to the already stifling heat that had gripped campus this summer.

We walked down the sidewalk and through the groups of people streaming out into the neighborhoods surrounding campus. I’d looked at all of them and thought about what a grand time they were having going out to parties, but now I looked at all of them and wondered something else. I wondered how many of them had gotten too drunk at a party. How many of them, guy and girl alike, had been taken advantage of because they had a little too much to drink and things got out of control.

I shivered. It was good to remember that there was a dark side to life at college. A dark side to life in general. It wasn’t all happiness and rainbows and getting drunk.

Thankfully I hadn’t had all that much, though I wasn’t sure how much Alyssa had. She wasn’t stumbling or anything. She seemed to be more in shock than anything else as I led her away from student housing and back to the relative safety of the dorms.

I say relative because I didn’t think I was ever going to feel completely safe on campus again. Probably a good lesson to learn this early, and I could take comfort in the fact that I’d given more than I got. I smiled to myself as I thought of my fist making contact with that Todd asshole’s face. It had hurt, but damn had it been worth it.

We finally stumbled into the dorms. I looked down at Alyssa and thought she looked okay enough. I pulled us over to the elevator and it dinged happily. Everything seemed so clean and bright in here. The sort of place they’d take prospective students on a tour. Nothing like the seedy underbelly they probably didn’t include on any of the tours that was just a few blocks away from this palace built on student loan debt.

Once we were in the elevator Alyssa started shaking. I ran my hand up and down her arm and pulled her close. I had a feeling the shivering didn’t have anything to do with how cold it was in this damn elevator, but I also figured she probably just needed someone to hold her close.

At least I hoped that would make her feel better.

“It’s going to be okay Alyssa,” I said. “We got you out of there. Nothing really bad happened.”

“Because of you,” she sniffled. “I was so meant to you and then you were right there when I needed you. I’m such a bitch!”

I was inclined to agree with her, but I also wasn’t about to say anything like that. No, that seemed like it would be counterproductive. Better to just hold her and tell her what she wanted to hear. No point in arguing.

“It’s okay,” I said. “You just had a bad night. You ran into a jerk that probably tries to take advantage of freshmen girls like that all the time. He’s the bitch, not you.”

Alyssa reached up and wiped a tear from her eye. She actually managed to get out a little laugh.

“There we go,” I said. “Isn’t that better than crying? Don’t cry because of what that asshole did.”

“You really did make him your little bitch, didn’t you?” she said.

“I guess I did. The asshole had it coming though,” I replied.

“Yeah, he did. I can’t believe he’d do that. I really should’ve listened to you,” she said.

Alyssa pulled me closer and I fought the sudden urge I had to reach down and kiss the top of her head. She was leaning against my shoulder. Her arms were wrapped around me. My body was on fire and I would just have to lean down a little bit and press my lips against her hair.

Only after everything she’d gone through tonight I didn’t want to add myself to the mix. She’d been dropping pretty heavy hints all night long, hints that I really wanted to act on, but something had stopped me. I guess it was fear. Plain and simple. These feelings were new and scary and I worried that I was seeing the world the way I wanted to see it rather than the way it really was.

I realized what a mistake that was when Alyssa stormed off in a huff, but by then it was too late. Damn it.

The elevator dinged and the doors opened onto Alyssa’s floor. I pulled her out into the hall. She still seemed to be having a little bit of trouble getting around. I really hoped that was just because she was processing everything and not because she was hurt or something. I wondered if I shouldn’t just take her to the campus clinic, but I wasn’t too keen on the idea of pulling her down there after she’d had a drink. Visions of them realizing she was underage and her losing her scholarship danced through my head.

I really didn’t want to be responsible for something like that.

“Alyssa, we’re at your dorm,” I said. “Can you go ahead and open the door?”

She reached into her pocket and pulled out the little plastic dongle that everyone staying in the dorms got. She waved it in front of her dorm room and a little light turned green and beeped to let us know we could go in. I turned the knob and stepped inside, depositing Alyssa on her dorm bed and sitting down next to her.

I looked around the room and finally back to Alyssa. She was staring off in the distance and seemed to be completely dead to the world. I thought about waving a hand in front of her face or something like they used to do in old cartoons, but that felt like a bit too much.

Instead I settled with putting an arm around her again. We’d walked all the way back to the dorm arm in arm, after all. That didn’t seem like it was too big a deal. I was still a little reluctant to get too close with her. I didn’t want her to think I was acting like that asshole. It felt a little dicey getting too close so soon after she’d had such a bad experience with a guy trying to get too close for all the wrong reasons.

Alyssa sighed and leaned into me. I smiled. This might have been a horrible fucked up evening, but at least I’d gotten her out of there and now she was leaning against me. Despite the argument, despite punching out a guy I barely knew, things didn’t seem quite so bad in that moment.

I decided to enjoy it.

14: Opportune Moment

Alyssa:

Sarah felt nice pressed against me. I felt safe and secure knowing she was there. Knowing that she was the one with her arm around me and not that asshole. I shivered, but it was for a completely different reason this time around than when we’d been walking home.

That time I was reacting to the memory of what had almost happened at that house party. What might have happened if Sarah wasn’t there to save me. This time I was shivering thinking about all the things I wanted to do with Sarah but was afraid to give voice to. That she was afraid to give voice to.

All the anger I’d felt at her for being afraid to do that seemed silly now, though. A whole evening arguing with each other because I was mad at her for doing exactly the same thing that I was doing now. It hardly seemed fair. I’d been a jerk and still she’d been my knight in shining armor coming to rescue me from the drunk dragon.

I felt a little wobbly and lightheaded. It had to be from the alcohol. Sure I hadn’t had much, maybe half of that cup by the time I tossed it in Todd’s face, but I’d never drank before. Maybe that was enough to have me feeling tipsy and a little out of control. I looked up at Sarah. It was certainly enough to bring all the thoughts percolating in the back of my mind for some time now about how nice it would be if Sarah was more than a friend right to the front of my brain where I couldn’t ignore them any longer.

Where I couldn’t deny them any longer.

I reached up and pushed a strand of hair away from her face. It wasn’t even out of place, but I wanted an excuse to touch her face. She smiled and I melted.

“You were wonderful tonight coming to my rescue like that,” I whispered.

Sarah shrugged. “You would’ve done the same for me.”

I giggled. “Taken on a guy who was twice my size? I don’t know if I would’ve been brave enough, but you were. You’ve just been there for me lately and I really appreciate it.”

I was having trouble saying what I really felt because there really weren’t words that could describe the depth of how much I appreciated her being there for me. She was like the best friend I’d never had growing up because I was always so busy. If I had a best friend that I was also deeply and inexplicably attracted to.

It was odd, but it felt right. I couldn’t deny how much I liked these feelings.

“It’s really nothing,” Sarah said. “I saw a guy who was doing something wrong and I gave him a piece of my mind.”

“Are you sure that’s all it was? Because you seemed awfully jealous of him earlier in the night when you thought I was interested in him,” I said. I lowered my voice to a whisper. “I was just saying that to try and make you jealous. I don’t know why I did that.”

“Yeah, I don’t know why you’d try to make me jealous either,” Sarah said, a nervous laugh coming out. “I mean there’s no reason for me to be jealous of a guy, right?”

“No, I’m not talking about that,” I said. “I don’t know why I thought I needed to make you feel jealous. It’s obvious what’s going on here and I’ve been too afraid to admit it. I think you’ve been too afraid to admit it.”

I moved a hand back up to her face. Ran it along her cheek. I figured if there was ever going to be a time that she ran screaming for the hills this would be it, but instead she closed her eyes and leaned into my hand. Let out a contented sigh. I smiled. That was just the reaction I was hoping for.

This was an opportune moment if there ever was one. I kept stroking her cheek and she kept her eyes closed as I spoke.

“I was always so busy concentrating on swimming that I never really had time for friends,” I whispered. “I’m sure you know how that is. The people you could be friends with were always in competition with you even though we’re all on the same team. They resent you for being so much better than them and you resent them because it’s not like they put in all the work you do.”

Sarah let out something that almost sounded like words. I took it for her agreeing with me and smiled. If anyone could understand how I felt growing up it would be her.

“I never really had friends, and I certainly didn’t have time for a relationship. I always thought I wasn’t that interested in guys because I didn’t have time for them, but now I’m starting to realize that might not be the case. Not exactly,” I said.

I moved my other hand down to take her free hand. Her eyes flew open and she searched my eyes. It was so cute the way they darted back and forth, searching my face for answers that I was finally willing to give her. Sarah coming to my rescue tonight even after the way I’d treated her made me realize that she’d be there no matter what. That she didn’t deserve the way I’d treated her.

I wanted her in my life, and I needed her as so much more than just friends.

“What are you talking about Alyssa?” Sarah asked. She licked her lips and her eyes started darting around the room. As though she was afraid to look at anything but me.

That loose tingling feeling I’d had ever since I downed half that glass of beer was growing more and more intense. I realized it had only really started when I was being pulled out of the house and Sarah had her arm around me. I realized it wasn’t any alcohol causing that feeling.

No, I was drunk on Sarah. It was time to show her what I was talking about. It was time to be brave and do what I’d been thinking about all night.

I closed my eyes and leaned forward. This might be a huge mistake. This might be taking things way too far. Still, this felt like a moment if there ever was one. Every other time there’d been a moment between us it was interrupted or I’d chickened out, and I wasn’t chickening out this time around.

I was taking what I wanted.

I moved the hand on her cheek around to the back of her head to pull her against me, though I shouldn’t have bothered. She was leaning in to meet me and our lips brushed together. I opened my eyes and saw Sarah staring at me with wide-eyed astonishment and I couldn’t help but giggle which sort of ruined the kiss but I didn’t care.

I pulled back and smiled. Blushed just a little. Our lips had only been in contact for a moment, but holy hell what a moment it was!

“Was that wrong?” I asked.

“No,” Sarah said quickly. “I liked that. I liked that a lot.”

“I liked it too,” I said. “That felt right.”

I leaned in again. I had a teacher in high school who used to say “fortune favors the bold” all the time, and this seemed like one of those times when I needed to be really bold. I pressed my lips against Sarah’s again, but this time around I didn’t open my eyes. I moved my hands down and wrapped them around her again, but this time it felt so much more intimate than any other time we’d held each other.

Her mouth opened and I wasn’t quite sure what to do. I was going on instinct and what I’d seen on TV. It struck me as sort of pathetic that I was taking all my social cues from what I’d seen on TV lately, but whatever. I opened my mouth too. That seemed like the right thing to do.

I got one hell of a surprise when I felt her tongue dart into my mouth. I almost yelped and pulled away I was so surprised, but I stayed pressed against her. It felt weird. It was wet and kind of ticklish and I could taste her, but it was also like her tongue was a live wire that went right to the core of my being and fanned a flame that I didn’t even know was in there. Turned it from a flame to a raging bonfire.

Damn that was an intense feeling. I wanted more of it! I experimented a bit and pushed my tongue into her mouth and she let out a noise that sounded like a gasp and a purr and that just sent me off on a whole new wave of hotness.

This felt good. This felt right. This felt like it was something that had been missing my entire life. Damn!

I got lost in the moment. I allowed myself to be washed away on a tsunami of feelings that were more intense and better than anything I’d encountered so far. The closest I think I’d ever come to the euphoria of making out with Sarah was when I hit the wall and knew I’d just won a race because there wasn’t a chance any of the girls in the pool were going to come close to me.

Only making out with Sarah was so much better than any of that!

Finally, unfortunately, that first intense session came to an end. I felt a loss as I pulled away from her lips. I knew something had just happened that was going to change my life. It was going to change the way I thought of myself. I was into girls and there was no denying it after those fireworks. I felt a fire raging in me at the thought of Sarah that couldn’t even be touched by the thought of a guy.

And that first moment of discovery was gone. At least I could realize that I’d just had an experience that would be a cherished memory for the rest of my life even as I felt its loss. Though I didn’t feel it too much, because Sarah was still right there in front of me and I had a feeling there were a whole lot more firsts to come with her.

I couldn’t wait.

I bit my lip and looked down. Blushed just a little. I didn’t know that I was quite ready to have any more of those firsts tonight, but I did know that I didn’t want Sarah to leave me alone. Partly because I was afraid of being alone after what happened earlier, but mostly because I didn’t want her to leave me.

“What would you think of staying the night?” I asked. Her eyes went wide and I quickly stepped in to make her feel better. I didn’t want her to think I expected her to hop into all that stuff because we’d shared one kiss. “I don’t want to be alone tonight and that felt so nice and we don’t have to go too far or do anything you don’t want to but I need you here tonight…”

I trailed off. I was rambling. I probably sounded like an idiot. I looked up, wondering if Sarah would be upset that I’d suggested she stay the night when we’d only just shared our first kiss. I’d practically thrown myself at her and I was dreading her answer either way because if she rejected me I wouldn’t get what I wanted and if she said yes then there was a chance I would get what I wanted and I was still having trouble thinking of myself like that.

Only she was grinning. All my worries melted away at that smile. Sarah always made me feel safe and secure, and this was no different.

“I think that sounds like a wonderful idea,” she said as she pulled me close and leaned down to kiss me again.

15: Responsibility

Sarah:

I woke up and immediately regretted the decision. The tight clothes I wore the night before were perfect for going out to a party. They were perfect for rolling around in a tiny dorm bed meant for one person having the most intense makeout session of my life.

Never mind that it was also the first makeout session of my life.

Those clothes weren’t designed for a night sleeping in a bed designed for one person though. I felt pins and needles running all over my body that had nothing to do with how wonderful it was to wake up with Alyssa right next to me cuddled in my arms.

I paused to stare. I couldn’t help it. She was so damn beautiful. So perfect. It didn’t seem natural that a girl that beautiful would be interested in me. I thanked the fates above that had thrown us together through the spirit of good old fashioned competition.

Looking at her lying there smiling as though she had some sort of secret dream that only she was privy to made me ache for her. It also brought to mind some of the fun we’d had the night before which caused an entirely different sort of ache. I’d worried I was taking advantage of things and that I’d somehow be no better than that jerk face who’d tried to push himself on her, but it turned out she was more than willing to get up close and personal with me where she hadn’t been willing with him.

I grinned as she stirred. Her eyes fluttered open and that small secret smile grew even wider.

“Good morning,” she said.

“Good morning yourself beautiful,” I replied.

I leaned in and brushed my lips against hers. It seemed like the thing to do. That was how you greeted your girlfriend when you woke up in bed together, right? My girlfriend. I shivered at the thought. Sure we hadn’t made anything super official yet, but it felt good to think of her like that. I figured that’s where things were going.

I fell back on the bed. Yeah, things were pretty perfect right now. Alyssa beside me in my arms. The sun streaming in through the window right next to us. Birds chirping in the trees outside.

I frowned. Something wasn’t quite right about that. Alyssa in my arms. Very right. Birds chirping outside. Annoying but not world ending or anything. The sun shining through the closed blinds casting lines of light on the floor.

The sun. Shining. Which it shouldn’t be doing if we were getting up on time to go to practice.

“Shit!”

Alyssa followed my gaze and her eyes went wide. I could see her making the connection as a look of horror dawned on her face.

“We’re late to practice!”

We stayed like that for a moment. I couldn’t believe we’d been stupid enough to sleep through our alarms. Then again we’d been so preoccupied the night before that it was entirely possible both of us forgot to set any sort of alarm.

Shit!

We both went into a mad scramble. Alyssa was in the middle of changing into her suit but I didn’t stop to enjoy the view. I’d get to see that later, and I figured there wasn’t much point in enjoying that view if I was going to be struck dead by coach as soon as we got to the pool. I needed to get suited up and ready for practice. I glanced down at the time on my phone and let out a wail.

Practice had already been going on for a good hour. We were in deep shit. Deep, deep shit. We’d only been here for a couple of weeks and already we were late. This wasn’t the sort of thing you recovered from. Coach was going to think we were slackers for the rest of our college careers.

Damn it.

We met out in front of the dorm a couple of minutes later. I got into my suit and some workout clothes to throw over it in record time. It looked like Alyssa had done the same. Her face was flushed which, once again, brought back some nice memories from the night before.

I frowned. “We’re going to have to sprint over there.”

“I hate cardio that isn’t in the pool,” Alyssa muttered.

There was nothing for it though. Either we ran our asses off or we risked getting in even more trouble. So we sprinted through campus, dodging some early birds from various orientation groups who were already out and about. Obviously none of them had been stupid enough to go to a party the night before and stay out too late.

I was just glad we hadn’t drank all that much. Being hungover on top of being late to practice would’ve been completely unforgivable. Especially after the speeches coach gave us about not doing that sort of thing. Somehow I doubted telling him someone on the swim team encouraged us would make him any more lenient.

Damn it. Not only was that guy hitting on Alyssa and being a first rate creeper, but now he might cost both of us our scholarships!

Though when I really thought about it it’s not like I could lay all the blame on that Todd asshole. Sure he’d been an asshole and a creeper, but he wasn’t the reason we forgot to set our alarms. No, that was all on me. And Alyssa. I blushed thinking about it.

Finally we reached the natatorium and continued sprinting through the doors. We might be swimmers, but I’m pretty sure in that terrified dash across campus we could’ve set a couple of land speed records.

As soon as we burst through the doors at the natatorium we saw that we were too late. Coach stood right there and when he turned he didn’t look angry or anything. No, his look communicated something far worse: disappointment. He shook his head and nodded towards his office.

I hung my head in shame. I’d been swimming my entire life and I’d never been late to a practice. It figured the one time I pulled something like this was when it actually had real world consequences. He was going to pull both our scholarships and that would be it for the magical summer of fun. All the excitement I felt over what happened the night before drained from my body as I made the walk of shame over to his office.

We sat down in a couple of chairs that looked like they’d been staged this morning just for this purpose. He knew we were coming and he wanted to be ready. I glanced over to Alyssa and she looked like she was about to be sick. I could understand the feeling.

“How bad do you think it’s going to be?” I asked.

“Oh God this is it. He’s going to come in here and tell us that we’re off the team. We’re going to lose our scholarship and then they’ll kick us out of the dorms and I won’t be able to pay for school. My parents don’t have that kind of money and it’s too late to apply for financial aid. I’ll have to go back home for a whole year,” she said.

That last bit seemed to panic her more than anything else. She started hyperventilating to the point that I scooted my chair over next to her and put a hand on hers. That seemed to finally get her attention. She looked up at me and smiled.

“Sorry. I guess I let myself get a little carried away,” she said.

“Trust me, I know exactly how you feel,” I replied. “You’re making me feel a little less crazy. I’ve been worrying about the same things the whole walk over!”

Alyssa smiled for a moment, but only a moment. I guess knowing that I was worrying about the same thing wasn’t terribly comforting. We settle into silence until I heard the door open. I didn’t pull my hand away from Alyssa. I wanted her to know I was there for her, and after last night it felt like trying to hide what we were was more than a little silly.

Coach moved around his desk and sat down. His old chair creaked. Not because he was overweight or anything, he was in surprisingly good shape and actually swam with the guys team once in awhile. He leaned forward and stared at both of us in turn, his hands clasped together in front of him.

“So do either of you ladies want to tell me why you decided to show up late to my practice only a couple of weeks into your college swimming careers?”

Again there wasn’t really anger in his voice. Just a touch of disappointment and a touch of something else I couldn’t quite identify.

“If I didn’t know any better I’d say that two of my new star swimmers were out breaking some rules the night before. And it looks like maybe at least one of you had a couple of drinks, too,” he finished, looking right at Alyssa.

I glanced at her. How did he know that? I couldn’t even tell she’d been drinking. Then again the man had been here coaching for decades. His experience and the way he ran the program was part of the reason why I chose this school. That and they offered me a full ride. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that experience was coming around to bite us in the ass now. This wasn’t his first time at the drunk student rodeo.

His face softened a bit. “Look, I understand how it is. You come to college for the first time and you see new things and experiences. You have to understand there are certain rules and responsibilities you have to stick to now that you’re in college, and especially if you’re going here on a scholarship to swim on my team.”

Coach leaned back in his chair and sighed. A small smile actually played across his face. “I don’t mind my swimmers going out and enjoying themselves. That scary speech at the beginning of the season is mostly for show. There’s balance in everything. What I can’t have is my swimmers showing up late because they don’t know when to stop, do you understand?”

We both nodded and he seemed to take that as encouragement. He leaned forward even more. He was practically lying across his desk at this point. “This happens a lot more than you might think. I promise if you come clean right now there won’t be any consequences. This time.”

“The asshole who invited us out last night sure seemed to be tipping that balance a lot more than we were,” I muttered.

I’d like to say the words slipped out without really thinking about it, but that would be a lie. I was still seething over what Todd had done the night before. I was upset that we were the ones getting yelled at when he’d been the one who practically attacked my friend. To be perfectly honest I figured if we were going down then I was going to take him right along with us.

“What are you talking about?” Coach asked, looking at me with a piercing stare that could only come from a man who had decades of experience getting exactly what he wanted out of college students.

I sighed. Looked over to Alyssa to make sure she was okay with this. She bit her lip, looked uncertain, but she nodded. I took a deep breath and turned to coach. Launched into a quick explanation of everything that happened yesterday. Getting invited to a “swim team” party. Getting there and discovering it was only a couple of guys from the team and a bunch of strangers. Todd thrusting a beer on Alyssa and pulling her off on her own. How I went searching and found him holding onto her.

Alyssa filled in a couple of details from that moment that I didn’t get to see. My blood boiled even hotter at that. The next time I saw that guy I was going to kill him!

The look on Coach’s face grew darker and darker. When I finished he sighed and looked between us for a long moment.

“Y’know I wondered where that shiner on Todd’s face came from this morning,” he said.

I blinked. “Shiner? What are you talking about?”

Coach chuckled. “You must have one hell of a right hook little lady, because he looked like he got in a fight with someone twice his size when he walked in this morning. Said he fell down the stairs at his house the night before, but I didn’t say anything because he was on time for practice and that’s all I care about. Of course that all changes now.”

I licked my lips. Alyssa leaned forward. “What do you mean that all changes now?”

Coach leaned back in his chair. It creaked again as he rocked back and forth. He shook his head and he still looked very angry.

“That’s not the first strike against Todd. He’s always been a troublemaker. Never anything this terrible, but this means he’s off the team. That’s the kind of bullshit I will not put up with. I’ll also be reporting this to the campus police and I can get you set up with some counseling if you’d like?”

I blinked in astonishment. Glanced over to Alyssa. This whole thing had spiraled out of control pretty darn fast. I’d heard so many horrible things about colleges trying to cover up this sort of thing that it was a bit of a pleasant surprise to hear a college official saying they were going to bring the hammer down on Todd.

“Are you sure we have to do that?” Alyssa asked. I gave her hand a squeeze to let her know that it was going to be okay. I wanted to communicate to her that I would be there for her, with her, every step of the way.

“Yup, pretty damn sure,” Coach said. “I can’t promise the police will do anything. It comes down to he-said she-said in the end, but the fact that there are two of you means something might stick. I’m not a cop. I can’t tell you what’s going down there. I can tell you he’s off the team. Now.”

I let out a sigh of relief. I’d been worrying about whether or not he might try that with other freshmen girls who were new to the team and willing to go out of their comfort zone for the possibility of having fun with the big man on the team.

Coach sighed. “You girls have certainly given me a heap of trouble this morning. Not that I mind, but I have a lot to do. Now get out of here. You have today off.”

He paused and looked at both of us again. A lingering stare. “And I want both of you to consider this your freebie.”

I blinked, but Alyssa got to the obvious question first. “You’re not making us swim the rest of the practice?”

“Nope. I learned my lesson the hard way about making freshmen who can’t hold their booze swim a practice. Took two days to drain the pool, clean the puke, and fill it back up again. Don’t let this freebie influence your behavior at all, though. I expect you to be at practice on time in the future. Got it?”

“Got it,” I said.

“Got it,” Alyssa echoed.

“Good, because I’m very hopeful this is the only time I’m ever going to have to have a conversation like this with two ladies who are about to be my star swimmers.”

And with that we were out of his office. On the whole that had gone a hell of a lot better than I thought it would. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen with Todd, but I was sure that we’d just gotten away with one hell of a gimme from Coach. Something told me he could come down on people like a ton of bricks when he wanted to.

I had a feeling the Todd situation had something to do with his leniency. Whatever it was, I’d take it.

16: Hit the Showers

Alyssa:

I wasn’t sure what to think as we made our way to the showers. I wasn’t even sure why we were heading for the team showers when we hadn’t practiced. I guess it was a little bit of habit ingrained in both of us after years of swimming and a little bit of both of us needing a shower since we usually cleaned up after practice.

“I can’t believe we got away with that,” Sarah said. “I can’t wait to hear about what the cops are going to do to that prick.”

“Yeah, I guess,” I said.

To tell the truth I was a little conflicted about that, and I hated that I was conflicted. The guy was an asshole. He’d lured me to his house, tried to get me drunk, and then he’d almost forced himself on me. If that wasn’t a textbook example of the kind of things my mom warned me about before I came out here to college then I don’t know what was.

I sighed. I suppose it was all going to be worth it. I just hoped my parents didn’t somehow find out about it.

“Hey, you okay?” Sarah asked.

I looked over to her and smiled. She’d gotten out of her clothes and was just in her suit. I paused for a moment to admire the way the suit clung to her in all the right places before I pulled off my own shirt and bottoms and tossed them to the bench beside me. I didn’t even bother to open my locker. It’s not like any thieves would be sneaking into the locker room this early in the morning to steal an old T-shirt and shorts.

“I guess I’m fine,” I said. “Just thinking about everything that happened last night,” I said.

Sarah hesitated. “The good stuff or the bad stuff? Or was there good stuff?”

I grinned and stepped forward. Wrapped my arms around her. “Trust me there was good stuff. There was bad stuff too. Me yelling at you for no good reason. That jerk Todd doing what he did.”

“Yeah, everything about last night was pretty crazy, but I wouldn’t change it for anything,” Sarah said.

“Me either,” I said with a grin. “And I’m really glad that I had you around to save me. It’s like I said last night. You’ve been there for me every time I needed you lately.”

“Y’know you’ve been there for me too,” Sarah said. “This isn’t a one way street.”

I ran a hand up and down her back. Traced a line along the curve where her one piece suit met her skin. She shivered and I felt goose bumps trailing along everywhere my finger made contact. I gave a little shiver of my own. It was nice to know that I could get that sort of reaction out of her.

“So what is going on here?” I asked. “We never really talked about that last night. We just sort of…”

I trailed off and blushed as images of making out with her like a possessed woman flashed through my mind. We really had gone off the deep end last night even if we hadn’t rounded all the bases. To be perfectly honest I didn’t even know what rounding all the bases looked like with a girl, but I was eager to find out.

Eventually.

Hopefully with Sarah.

Sarah who reached down and pulled my hand to her lips. She kissed along my fingers and even darted her tongue out for a moment reminding me of the feeling and taste of her tongue darting into my mouth. I shivered again.

“I don’t know. What do you think is going on here?” Sarah asked.

I figured I could just come out and say what I thought was going on here. What I wanted to be going on here. That I desperately wanted her to be my girlfriend. Only something seized me in the moment. I felt the need to be a little more playful than direct. It was nothing like my reluctance to come out and say anything last night.

Last night had been about shame and worry that Sarah wouldn’t feel the same way. Today it was all about flirting because I knew for sure that Sarah did feel the same way.

I pulled myself away from her. The pout on her face as I did that was so delicious. I wanted to kiss it away, but instead I took a step towards the showers.

“What are you doing?” Sarah asked.

She sounded incredulous. I’d be a little angry too if I was just having a moment like that with Sarah and she just turned and walked away from it. I had plans though. I turned and put my hands on my hips.

“What do you think I’m doing? We need to take a shower, don’t we?”

“We need to?”

“Well yeah.”

“Together?”

I shook my head. “Well duh. Why else do you think I said we need to take a shower? If it was just me then I would’ve said I need to take a shower silly!”

“We’re taking a shower as in you want to take a shower together in the same stall? We’re not going to be in separate stalls or anything?”

“That’s the idea,” I replied.

Sarah glanced around the locker room. She suddenly seemed uncertain. Some of that confidence I’d seen from her just a moment ago was leeching out. She looked at the door leading into the pool for a good long time. I could hear the telltale splashing of a bunch of people moving back and forth in the pool as they went through morning practice. The familiar smell of chlorinated water drifted through that door.

“But anyone could walk in at any time. What would they think?”

“By my watch practice isn’t going to end for another forty-five minutes,” I said. I winked at her. “Besides? What do you think is going to go on in this shower?”

Sarah swallowed. It was so cute watching her being unsure of herself. It was so much fun being the confident one for a change. I felt like Sarah had taken the lead with a lot of stuff so far, and I enjoyed putting myself out there.

“I don’t know? What is going on in there?”

I turned and walked towards the showers. I tried to put some extra sway in my step. I wasn’t sure if Sarah noticed, but I certainly knew I’d notice if she was walking away from me the way I was walking away from her. Being with her had ignited something in me that had lain dormant for so very long, and I loved it.

“There’s a chance someone might wander in and figure out what’s going on,” I said. “I figure that’s what makes it so much fun. We’ll just have to be careful and sneaky.” I turned and gave her my best sultry stare. Admittedly it wasn’t a very good sultry stare. I didn’t have any practice, after all.

“Are you up for it?”

Sarah nodded as though she was in a daze and then followed me. I took her hand and gave it a good long squeeze. Butterflies danced in my stomach. I felt my legs almost go out. It was like they’d turned to rubber as we walked back to one of the shower stalls and pulled the curtain shut. As I turned the water on and we both yelped as cold water hit us for a moment before it turned warm.

These stalls really weren’t designed for more than one person to comfortably fit in them, but for the moment that was just fine with me. Even though we were both still in our suits, I wasn’t quite ready to go so far as to take them off, the tension between us was electric.

I turned around so my back was to Sarah and pulled my hair up. I let the water wash over me and enjoyed just standing there with her for a perfect moment. This was something I was always going to remember, and whenever I was in one of those moments that I knew I was always going to remember I figured it was a good idea to stop and enjoy what I had while I had it.

“Would you mind getting my back?” I asked.

It didn’t feel too weird asking her to do that even though I was still in my suit. I’d showered in the suit plenty of times before when I was in a hurry. There was a moment of hesitation then Sarah reached out and got some soap. Her hands ran along my shoulders and I squeezed my eyes shut and let the feelings wash over me.

“I really have been having a good time with you lately,” I said.

Sarah paused. Odd that she would hesitate now of all times when it seemed like we were hurtling forward full speed ahead.

“I have too,” she said. “I… I think I really like you Alyssa. Like, I really like you.”

I spun around. That pulled her hands away from my shoulders which was a bummer, but I wanted to look her in the eyes for this. I wanted to see her face.

“You like me? Or maybe more than that?”

Sarah’s mouth worked and I giggled. I leaned in and brushed my lips against hers. “I’m not talking about that word. Not yet. I think what we have going here is definitely more than friends though, don’t you think?”

Sarah licked her lips and nodded. “Were you thinking like girlfriends?”

Sarah nearly fell back against the wall as I leapt into her arms. It was a good thing she was so strong and there wasn’t much soap in the stall yet, otherwise we might have both gone tumbling. In retrospect it might not’ve been the best or smartest thing to do, but I was overwhelmed by the moment.

“Yes,” I said, and I leaned in for another kiss.

I lost track of time after that. Suffice it to say we were very busy with each other until we heard the telltale sound that meant practice was almost over. Voices. No more swimming so people on the team had time to talk.

We got out of there pretty quick out of that. Well before anyone came into the locker room where they might see us and suspect something. Not that I cared. Sarah was my girlfriend and I wanted to shout it to the world.

Only maybe it wasn’t a good idea to get caught making out in the shower stalls. We could tell the girls on the team about our new relationship status later.

As we walked away from the natatorium hand in hand I peeked over at Sarah.

“What are you thinking about?” she asked.

“How do you know I was thinking about anything?” I asked.

“Because you have that funny look on your face,” she said.

I stuck my tongue out at her and we took a few more steps before she prodded me again.

“So are you going to tell me what’s on your mind?”

I sighed. “I was thinking about the dorms in the fall.”

“Yup. Gonna be interesting staying in one. I just hope we get close to each other. I had to go in for the random lottery.”

“I had to go in for the random lottery too,” I said. “Thing is, I was looking on the university housing website a few nights back for no particular reason…”

Sarah turned to me and cocked an eyebrow. “Yeah? And what did you find there?”

“Well maybe I discovered that it’s not too late to switch to an assigned roommate. If we wanted to do something like that for whatever reason…”

I felt a little tingly all over. This felt almost as intense as when I was trying to get her to come out and say how she felt about me. I could totally understand why she wouldn’t want to stay with me considering the turn our relationship just took. I’d been looking up roommate stuff when I only thought we were friends with a hell of a lot of simmering tension, but it was a whole different situation now.

Sarah smiled. Squeezed my hand and leaned in to give me a kiss. “I think I like that idea.”

I took her other hand in mine and stopped walking. Had another one of those moments where I stared her in the eyes. This was a situation where I wanted to be absolutely positive this is what she wanted.

“Are you sure about that?” I asked. “I mean this is still early days. If we were roomies for the whole year and something were to go wrong…”

There. It was out in the open. The one thing that I really feared. That somehow all of this was going to come crashing down around us. That being roommates would turn from a dream to a nightmare.

I should’ve known that Sarah would put all those fears to rest. She smiled and shook her head.

“In that case I guess we’ll have to make sure things work out, won’t we?”

I grinned. This was going to be a very interesting semester indeed. Absolutely nothing like what I expected when I started applying to colleges, but that was just fine with me. This was so much better than anything I’d imagined!

Part 3: Falling

17: Move In Day

Sarah:

“The blue zone over here is for unloading only. If you are unloading your car please pull into the blue zone. Any cars that park in the red zone on the left will be towed and no one wants that,” some college kid in a yellow safety vest shouted through a megaphone as he made his way down the long line of cars pulling into campus.

I sat on a bench at the turn that led towards the dorm I’d be calling home with Alyssa for the rest of the semester. She was right next to me, but uncharacteristically for us she wasn’t holding my hand.

I felt the loss, but I could also understand why she was doing that. Her parents were coming and she hadn’t exactly told them about our relationship status.

Given the brief encounters I’d had with her mom I could understand why she wanted to keep that on the down low. I didn’t want to have a shouting match with her any more than Alyssa probably did.

“See them yet?” I asked.

“Nope,” Alyssa said. “This whole thing is stupid. I told them I could move my stuff any time over the past couple of days but they insisted on coming today so they could have the stupid “move in day experience” along with the rest of the parents.”

“They said they wanted to have that experience?” I asked, my eyebrow raised ever so slightly.

Alyssa blushed. “Okay, so my mom said she wanted to have the move-in day experience. Said she wasn’t going to miss out on what all the other parents had.”

I rolled my eyes as I looked at the long line of traffic going down one of the many main roads running through campus. At least people weren’t honking or getting too upset. Yet. There’d been a special move-in day for people who paid a little extra yesterday and some of the fights that broke out later in the day as tempers flared had been interesting to watch. You hadn’t lived until you’d seen a couple of balding older dad types trying to duke it out and not being able to hit nearly hard enough to get through the layers of pudge they’d built up over the decades.

I could only imagine that was going to get worse today. There were far more people trying to move in today than yesterday.

“Sounds like something your mom would say,” I said. “Does everything have to be about her all the time?”

“Pretty much,” Alyssa said. “It was exhausting growing up around that. I guess I didn’t realize how exhausting it was until I got here and I was free of it.”

I reached out and patted her leg. And immediately pulled my hand away when I saw how she winced at that touch. Right. There was a chance her parents were out there in that long line of traffic and we didn’t want them to see us getting too close with each other.

“It’s going to be fine,” I said. “They’ll be in and out in a jiffy and then we’ll have the room all to ourselves for a whole semester!”

Alyssa frowned. “Except for fall break.”

“You could always come back to my place for fall break,” I said. “My parents would love to see you again.”

Alyssa sighed again. “Why can’t my parents be cool like your parents? Why couldn’t my parents come a couple of days ago like your parents did? What’s the point of being able to move in super early if you don’t take advantage of it?”

“I don’t know,” I said. “Not all parents can be like mine.”

They’d been very cool about the idea of me dating a girl. Not that I expected anything less. They were a couple of old fashioned lefties who’d grown up hating Reagan and loving Clinton, and they seemed more stoked at the idea of having a lesbian daughter than they were at meeting Alyssa. I knew I shouldn’t knock that reaction even if it was a touch annoying how overbearing they got about it before I told them to take it down a notch.

“I think I see their minivan,” Alyssa said.

She leaned forward and peered down the long line of traffic. Someone opened the passenger door even though they were in the middle of traffic, stuck traffic to be fair, and started walking briskly down the sidewalk. I frowned when I recognized Alyssa’s mom. It hadn’t hit me just how little I wanted a reunion with this woman until I saw her coming closer.

“Yup. Definitely mom,” Alyssa said.

It was another half hour before her parents got over to the unloading area in front of the dorm. The place wasn’t as nice as the new palace we’d been in over the summer, but our position as student athletes meant we got dibs on one of the nicer freshmen dorms available, at least. There was air conditioning, which was more than could be said for some of the other places.

In that time I also saw my first fight of the day. Someone tried to pull into the left lane that was reserved for thru traffic and emergencies and the dad nearly got into a fight with the resident adviser who showed up and told him he needed to move. Then he nearly got into a fight with the tow truck guy who showed up to move him by force.

He didn’t get in a fight when the campus cops showed up, at least.

Soon enough we were out of the heat and in the dorm walking ahead of Alyssa’s dad. He’d loaded all her stuff for the semester onto a cart, and it didn’t look like there was all that much. There really was no reason for them to come out here today and inconvenience themselves other than Alyssa’s mom wanting to do it that way. It boggled the mind.

“I can’t believe my little girl is all grown up,” her mom said for perhaps the twentieth time since we got onto the freight elevator.

“Yeah mom. I’m at college now. It happens to everyone,” she said.

“Well yes, but you’re my little girl and you’re all grown up now. You should let me have this moment,” she snapped.

Alyssa looked over at me and rolled her eyes ever so slightly. I had to suppress a giggle. Damn it Alyssa. Now was not the time to be making faces or doing things that would make me laugh in front of her mom.

“So how has your summer been?” her mom asked.

“Pretty boring actually,” Alyssa said. “I’ve been spending most of my time at practice, and then in between I mostly hang out with Sarah.”

I blushed as I thought of exactly what kind of “hanging out” we’d been doing. Sure we hung around on campus and went to movies and did all the usual dating stuff. Then there were those nights in one of our dorm rooms when things got hotter than the mercury on the thermometer outside, and no amount of air conditioning could keep that down.

Probably not the kind of thing she wanted to share with her mom right now though. Better to say we were hanging out together and leave it at that.

Her mom looked over at me and sniffed. When she looked me up and down she made it abundantly clear that she didn’t care much for me or for her daughter hanging out with me.

“That’s all you’ve been doing? You’re at college! You’re supposed to try new things as long as it’s not illegal. Meet new people.”

“Yeah, well there’s not much to do on campus during the summer,” Alyssa muttered.

“Have you met any boys?”

Alyssa looked up sharply at that and I schooled my face to a stony impassiveness. At least I tried to. I’m not sure how good a job I did. Her mom looked between the two of us and the suspicion there was pretty damn obvious, but she didn’t say anything. Which was probably a good thing because my poker face was terrible in that brief moment.

“No mom. I haven’t met any boys,” Alyssa said. “Now could we please focus on getting me moved in so the two of you can get home?”

Her mom sniffed and looked at me again. Yeah, I got the feeling she suspected something but I wasn’t going to go confirming any suspicions. If she was acting like this around me when she wasn’t sure that I was corrupting her daughter then I really didn’t want to see what she’d act like when it was confirmed.

“Well you should try to meet a nice boy. And make sure you meet a couple of nice boys. You wouldn’t want to settle for the first one to come along,” she said. Alyssa’s mom turned to look at Alyssa’s dad. Damn. I had a pretty good feeling she was talking about her husband there, and that was harsh stuff. The more I learned about this woman the more I didn’t like her.

Alyssa must have taken after her dad more than her mom. She was so unassuming and sweet. It was a miracle a girl that nice could be raised by a woman this self-involved.

“What about some of the nice church groups? Did you get involved with any of those yet? I know they’d be happy to have you, and maybe you could work on that problem you’re having meeting a good guy,” her mom continued on as we reached our door.

Without thinking I reached out with my key and waved it in front of the door. Even the most ancient doors on campus had been replaced with the electronic system. I didn’t realize what I’d done until I turned to see her mom staring at me with an unreadable expression and Alyssa was shaking her head ever so slightly.

“Why does she have a key to your room?” Alyssa’s mom asked.

Alyssa took a deep breath and let it out. She squared her shoulders as though she was getting ready for a fight. I realized, too late, that she hadn’t even told her parents that we were rooming together. It might’ve been nice to get a warning about that before I unlocked the door like an idiot.

“She opened the door because we’re roommates,” Alyssa said.

“I thought you were in the random drawing for a roommate,” her mom said. “Which isn’t great, but still…”

The conversation continued but I held the door open as Alyssa’s dad wheeled the cart in. It seemed like he wanted a break from his wife, and I certainly needed to get away from her. Especially with what sounded like a full on argument happening out in the hallway. I didn’t bother trying to listen in. The last thing I wanted was confirmation of my suspicions that Alyssa’s mom hated me.

“I should probably apologize for my wife,” Alyssa’s dad said. He held out his hand. “I’m Hank, by the way. I know we’ve met a couple of times, but we were never properly introduced.”

I took his hand and shook it, and then I said something that probably wasn’t very nice, but it was how I felt.

“How can you deal with her all the time?”

Alyssa’s dad, Hank, shook his head and chuckled. He seemed like a nice enough guy so far. I definitely knew where Alyssa got her nice and decent streak.

“Honestly? It was mostly for Alyssa more than anything else. Now that she’s here at college…”

He shut his mouth and looked at me again, his eyes wide. I had a good feeling I knew what he was talking about, and that he’d just said more than he intended.

“Don’t worry,” I said. “I’ll keep my mouth shut.”

Hank winked at me. “Good. As part of the deal I’ll keep my mouth shut too until the two of you are ready to let cats out of bags.”

I blinked and stared at him in astonishment. That more than anything else is probably what gave me away. If I’d been smart enough to play it cool then he wouldn’t have confirmation. As it was I might as well have admitted I was dating his daughter. I was like an open book. He chuckled again.

“Don’t worry. It’s not too obvious. I just know my baby girl better than Tiffany does. She always was too wrapped up in herself to really notice what was going on with her daughter. I saw the way she looks at you and I knew.”

I looked down and kicked my feet back and forth. Damn. And here I thought we’d been so good about hiding it from them. And to hear him tell it it’s not like there was even anything we could do to hide it from him. He knew because he knew Alyssa so well.

Alyssa and her mom, Tiffany, chose that moment to step through the door. I tried my best to look like I was studying the loft bunk beds we’d set up while her dad suddenly tried to look busy messing with her laptop.

Not that it did much good considering the laptop was off. Oops.

“Alyssa and I have discussed the matter and it’s okay that she’s rooming with you,” her mom said with a sniff.

I opened my mouth to tell her a couple of sharp things about what I thought about her trying to give us her permission to room together. Her daughter was an adult who was going to school on a full ride scholarship so it’s not like this crazy woman had any sort of leverage.

The only thing that stopped me was a look from Alyssa. She’d strategically placed herself behind her mom and she shook her head ever so slightly. She was smiling, too, so I figured whatever she’d discussed with her mom she’d come out on top.

“I’ve also told Alyssa that we’ll be taking her out to dinner honey. You’re okay with that, aren’t you?”

Her dad looked at me and grinned. “That’s fine with me as long as Sarah is coming along with us.”

The reaction from both women in the family was priceless. Alyssa’s eyes went wide as though she wasn’t expecting that, but that was nothing compared to the fury on her mom’s face.

“We were going to have a family dinner Henry,” she said through clenched teeth.

“Right,” Alyssa said. “I told you we were going to have a family dinner and I wanted you to treat Sarah like one of the family.”

“Dear, I think…” her mom started, but she didn’t get close to finishing.

“No, I think that Sarah is coming with us or I’m not going with you. I made that clear in the hall.”

She flashed another smile and I tried to return it, but it was difficult. I knew she was trying to include me and I really appreciated that, but at the same time she was including me in spending even more time with her mom who didn’t seem very eager to spend time with me.

The feeling was mutual.

Oh well. It looked like I was going to have a very awkward dinner with my girlfriend’s parents. Including one half who didn’t even know I was Alyssa’s girlfriend.

18: Lame Party

Alyssa:

I waved my key in front of the door and it beeped at me while a light turned green. That was about the only friendly thing I’d seen on campus this week. I heaved a sigh as I pushed the door open and tossed my book bag onto my loft bed.

We’d reconfigured the room since that first day. Both of us decided that having loft beds on either side with our desks underneath made more sense than having bunk beds and trying to squeeze the desks into the other side of the room. It only took a little convincing to get my dad to change it around.

Sarah was already in the room leaning back with headphones in, though she took those off as soon as she saw me come through the door.

“Tough day at the salt mines?” she asked.

I rolled my eyes. “You have no idea. It’s like these professors don’t believe in giving you a little bit of time to get used to college before they start throwing work at you, and each one of them thinks their class is the most important thing you’re ever going to do in your entire college career!”

Sarah grinned. “Yeah, how dare those jerks do that. It’s almost like they expect you to learn something in their classes.”

I stuck my tongue out at her. “Yeah well you have it easy with that writing stuff you’re doing or whatever it is.”

Sarah stuck her tongue out at me this time. “Hey. Not all of us can be super math geniuses. Besides, this stuff is hard too.”

She held up a rather thick looking book she’d been reading. It had a picture of some lady on the front that looked like she’d gone out of fashion about three hundred years ago. Reading a bunch of stuff written by a bunch of dead people about a bunch of other dead people, usually about how much they wanted to fuck each other, was not my idea of a good time. Give me facts and figures and something concrete I could turn in any day of the week thank you very much.

It was going to be useful having Sarah around though. I never liked writing essays and I was taking the intro English class that all freshmen were expected to take. Having an English major around was going to be a major help.

“Yeah? Well I’m still jealous of how much those books were. I can’t believe you got away with only $200 for the whole semester. My bill came to close to a thousand! That was my entire book stipend and then some!”

Sarah shrugged. “I offered to help you out with some of my stipend and you said no.”

I made a quick cutting motion with my hands. “Enough. I’m tired of talking about school stuff. I just spent an entire week getting up at the ass crack of dawn to go swim and then spent the rest of my day dealing with facts and figures. Let’s talk about what we’re going to do tonight!”

Sarah rolled her eyes and leaned forward. Her chair squeaked as she thumped that rather large book down on her desk. “Yeah, anything is going to be better than that dinner with your parents last week. I can still feel your mom’s hate gaze on me a week later!”

“She was not that bad and you know it,” I replied.

“She knows something’s going on. You saw how she kept asking you about the nice boys on the swim team,” Sarah said.

I frowned. The boys on the swim team had been less than nice to me so far. At least the one I’d had direct contact with. At least the others didn’t seem to hold it against me that Todd got kicked off the team. I’d already gone in for one meeting with the campus police but that hadn’t gone anywhere yet.

“Sorry,” Sarah said. “I shouldn’t have brought that up.”

She stood from her chair and wrapped me in a huge hug. A hug that made me feel better for just a little while. Having Sarah’s arms wrapped around me always made me feel good. As though everything that was wrong in the world wasn’t so bad after all.

She pulled away and looked me in the eyes. Actually her eyes darted back and forth between mine as though she was looking for something there.

“You okay? Forgive me?”

I rolled my eyes. Let her figure out what that meant.

“I’m fine. You don’t have to keep treating me like I’m a China doll or something whenever you bring up Todd. He got a little handsy and then you beat the crap out of him,” I said.

Sarah shook her head. “I should’ve beat the crap out of him. That one punch was getting off easy as far as I’m concerned.”

“Can we please stop talking about this?” I asked, a bit of testiness creeping into my voice. It annoyed me more that she thought I should have some huge overblown reaction to what happened than it did thinking about what actually happened.

“Fine,” Sarah said. “So what do you want to do tonight? It’s our first Friday on a fully stocked campus and we don’t have any parents coming into town to ruin our groove.”

“We could go out to the house parties off campus,” I said.

Sarah shook her head. “Are you serious? No way. Not after what happened last time. Besides, we have practice early in the morning and I don’t really want to show up to that hung over.”

“A fair point,” I said.

I looked around the room and then down to my desk. Particularly at a pamphlet the university handed out to all the incoming freshmen at dorm orientation talking about all the fun things there were to do on campus. Notably absent from all those fun things to do were all the off campus parties that gave this school something of a reputation in the state. There were still people who came here precisely because the school had been ranked as a top party school in Playboy like twenty years ago or something, as though that mattered now.

I picked up the pamphlet and flipped through it. There were all sorts of advertisements for clubs and things to do, but then I came across a page advertising something that looked interesting.

“What about this University Nights thing the school puts on?” I asked, holding it out to Sarah.

She snatched the pamphlet from my hand and read through it. “University Nights? Isn’t that the lame thing everyone is always talking about? The thing they put on so people don’t go out and party?”

“I think it is,” I said. “It looks pretty fun though. Free food and drinks with no alcohol, and they have a lot of fun stuff set up for people to do.”

“I don’t know,” Sarah said.

I stepped forward and snatched the pamphlet out of her hand. Looked up at her. “Look. Aren’t you the one who was just saying you didn’t want to get drunk or get hung over because you were worried about practice in the morning?”

“Well yeah,” she said.

“So doesn’t that make us exactly the sort of lame student who would be a perfect fit for a university thing?” I asked.

Sarah sighed. “I guess you’re right. We are lame, aren’t we?”

I grinned and pulled her in for a kiss. About a minute later when we were done, kisses in the dorm room were never a short affair, I giggled. “At least we’ll be lame together, right? That’s all that matters to me.”

“You’re right,” Sarah said. “Let’s get dolled up and go to the lamest party on campus!”

I looked down at the pamphlet again. There was a tagline there. “The most awesome party on campus!” Whoever wrote that ad copy was reaching just a little bit.

“Fine. Let’s go!”

A half hour later we walked into the student center and saw something that looked like it was actually a bit of fun. Most of the students looked like they were freshmen, something told me the university was going to have a tough sell getting older students to come to this sort of thing, but it still looked like a good time. We got wristbands after we showed our student IDs and then we were off.

“So what do you want to do first?” Sarah asked. “There’s supposedly bowling down on the first floor and they have an arcade on the second floor.”

I glanced at a big flat panel they’d set up with information about all the stuff that was on offer. Putting the schedule on a TV instead of a board, but I suppose that was our college dollars at work.

My stomach rumbled as I looked at the activities, but I saw something I definitely wanted to try out.

“I think we need to go get some food first, and then after that it says on that screen that they have bounce houses and a bunch of inflatable obstacle course stuff set up behind the student center. That’s where I want to go!”

The food was surprisingly good. Fried chicken and hamburgers and all sorts of stuff you’d expect to find at a cookout. Whatever part of the university dining department put all this together had really outdone themselves. I was giddy with anticipation as we walked out the back of the student center munching on food that would send Coach into conniptions if he saw us eating it.

I saw the bounce houses and obstacle courses and had to fight back the urge to squeal like an excited little girl. I’d always loved things like this, and one of the suckier things about getting older was that it was no longer appropriate to like things like this.

“You going to be okay Alyssa?”

I looked over to Sarah, my mouth stuffed with a combination of hamburger and fries. “Why wouldn’t I be okay?” I asked around the food. It came out a little muffled since my mouth was still full of junk food.

“You looked like you were about to have an episode or something looking at those bounce houses,” Sarah said.

“I’m just really excited,” I said. “It’s not every day you get to do this kind of stuff.”

Sarah grinned. “Well then finish that hamburger and we’ll get to it!”

I wolfed down the rest of my burger and fries. It’s not like I had to try very hard to do it. With the workout routine I was doing as part of my swimming duties we had to have a significant calorie intake. It was going to kill me on that dark day in the future when I stopped swimming so much and had to stop eating like I was a severely overweight man in his forties or something.

That day wasn’t today though.

I looked at all the fun things on offer. There really was a bounce house. And not just a bounce house for little kids. We’re talking a massive thing big enough to fit a bunch of college students who were bouncing around and having a good time. There were obstacle courses complete with runs, bridges, climbing walls, slides, and all the fun stuff that everyone still loved to do even if they pretended they weren’t into it right around the time they turned twelve.

“We need to do that obstacle course thing first,” I said. “That looks like a good time. Reminds me of the Playscape back home.”

“I only went there a couple of times,” Sarah said. “My parents always said it was too far away, and besides I could go outside and play if I wanted to have a good time.”

I put my hand on her shoulder. “You poor thing. I guess your parents weren’t as cool about stuff as I thought.”

“Yeah, well I’d much rather never go to the Playscape than grow up with your crazy mom. No offense.”

“None taken,” I said with a grin. “I grew up with her. I know what she’s like. But let’s not talk about that. Right now we need to get to that obstacle course! I’m going to kick your cute ass!”

“Like hell you are!” Sarah said. “Want to make a bet on who comes out first?”

I cocked an eyebrow. “What sort of bet are you talking about?”

Sarah leaned in and whispered a couple of things that had me blushing immediately. Blushing and shaking as I thought about trying some new things with her. Damn. The imagination that girl had on her was going to be the death of me.

“Fine,” I said. “Let’s go!”

We turned and bolted for the entrance to the obstacle course. Though we didn’t bolt for too long. There was a line to get in and a helpful volunteer pointed us to the end of it when we went right up to the entrance. I frowned and both of us were bouncing with energy as we moved closer and closer to the entrance.

Finally we were there. The entrance was a series of climbs leading up into the obstacle course proper which looked like it had been designed for four or five people to go through at the same time. The volunteer almost tried to put me and Sarah in separate groups, but I put a stop to that pretty quick. Finally the two of us stood side by side waiting for the volunteer to give us the go ahead.

It was weird. It felt like before I started a race. It felt like I was in competition with Sarah again just like the old days. Judging from the crazed look in her eyes she was feeling the same way. This was the first time we’d gone against each other since that fateful race at sectionals the year before that had put an end to her high school swimming career.

And she looked like she was ready for the rematch. Well I was going to show her!

The volunteer dropped his hand and we were off. I climbed up the thing and inhaled the vaguely plastic smell of the place as I scrambled up. Then I was moving across a rope bridge. I glanced to the side and saw Sarah slightly behind me and grinned. This was going to be too easy! I threw myself down a slide and then sprinted for a climbing wall. In a flash I was up, but I could see Sarah was gaining on me.

On the bright side it looked like it was no contest with everyone else. We were way ahead of the next person behind us. Good.

I got to the top of the climbing wall and found that there was another rope bridge, only this one was literally a rope bridge. It was a rope strung out over some cushioned foam down below with a rope overhead to balance on. We’re talking the sort of thing you usually only see on a TV show where they’re testing people or something. Damn.

I had no doubt I’d be able to do this too though. I grabbed the rope overhead and stepped out. I was about halfway across when it hit me. The same dizziness I’d felt at the state championships. The dizziness I thought was gone for good. I thought the rest I took between finishing up in high school and starting swimming in college was enough to banish it for good.

As the blood pumped behind my ears and I looked towards safety on the other side of the rope bridge I realized how wrong I’d been. I felt lightheaded. That pumping behind my ears grew louder and louder and I knew it would be a matter of moments before I lost it again.

I gritted my teeth. Tried to fight it. This wasn’t fair. This wasn’t supposed to happen right now. These dizzy spells only came when I was really exerting myself. Not when I was going through a stupid obstacle course.

I couldn’t help it though. Stars danced at the edge of my vision and then they moved in and covered my whole vision and everything went black.

19: Rescue

Sarah:

I saw her go down out of the corner of my eye. For a moment I couldn’t believe it. One moment Alyssa was sprinting across the rope like she was on an episode of that ninja warrior show and the next moment she went completely limp. She fell forward and hit the rope before rolling around and falling down into the foam blocks below.

It was a damn good thing someone thought to put those foam blocks there. Otherwise she could’ve really hurt herself. As it was I was worried that she might’ve done some damage when she hit that rope and rolled around. I was painfully aware that it didn’t take much to ruin a swimming career for good, and the last thing I wanted was for Alyssa to ruin hers before it even started.

Especially when she had a full ride riding on it!

I let go of the rope and jumped down next to her. When I popped up from the foam, it was really difficult to move around in that stuff, I moved over next to her. She was out cold. I didn’t know if that was from the fall or if she’d gone out before she fell. From the way she went limp I’d be willing to be the chain of events was pass out then fall.

“Help! I need help!”

I yelled it at the top of my lungs. I was worried. Really worried. Little things like this seemed to keep happening with Alyssa and there was a dark fear in the back of my mind whispering that this could be something bad. I pushed those fears away. Right now I needed to be there for her. I needed to help her.

I was about to pull out my phone and dial 911 when someone appeared beside us. Someone in a campus polo.

“What’s wrong?”

“I’m not sure,” I said. “She passed out and fell into the blocks.”

“Shit,” the guy said. He pulled up a radio and started talking into it, but I didn’t hear anything he said. I was too focused on Alyssa. Focused on making sure she was still breathing. There wasn’t much else I could do beyond that. I’d taken a lifeguard class in high school, just about everyone on the swim team had, but none of that training was much good now.

Probably a good thing. If she needed CPR right now then we’d really be in deep shit.

“Ma’am? Could you please step aside?”

I looked up and blinked. A golf cart with a flashing blue light had pulled up next to the pit. A couple of guys also in campus polos but with hats that identified them as EMTs were at the edge of the pit climbing in.

Reluctantly I let go of Alyssa. I didn’t want to let go. I wanted to hold her and let her know everything was going to be okay even if I wasn’t entirely sure that everything was going to be okay. I hated seeing her like this. I hated feeling like I was out of control.

By the time they reached her, though, it seemed that they might not be necessary. Before I could truly let go her eyes fluttered and opened. She looked up at me and smiled.

“What happened?” she asked.

I fought the urge to cry. I was so happy that she was back in the land of the living. If her eyes were open and she was talking then it couldn’t be too bad, right?

“I’m not sure what happened,” I said. “You fell and hit the rope and then fell into this foam pit. Can you tell me what happened?”

Alyssa frowned and shook her head. “I must’ve overdone it or something. I felt lightheaded and everything went black. The next thing I remember I woke up and you were holding me. Not a bad way to wake up if you ask me.”

I shook my head. “No way. You’re not getting away that easily. I saw what happened. You work yourself out way more than this in the pool every day and this doesn’t happen in there.”

I didn’t mention the time I was pretty sure something like this had happened in the pool. At the state swim meet. She’d been wobbly when she got out of the pool and her having some sort of attack where she nearly passed out in the water would explain why she lost control long enough to be disqualified.

“I’m fine, really,” Alyssa said. She stood and looked to the EMTs heading towards her. Blinked and turned to look at me.

“Who the heck are they?” she asked.

“I think they’re medics. They called them over when you went unconscious,” I said.

Alyssa gave them an angry wave as they got closer. “I don’t need any help.”

“She doesn’t mean that,” I said. “She needs someone to have a look at her.”

“I do mean that,” Alyssa said, waving them away again. “I’m fine. I just got a little too carried away when I was going through the thing and it did me in. Please, leave me alone.”

The two EMTs or whatever the heck they were exchanged worried glances. They looked back to Alyssa.

“Ma’am, have you been drinking tonight?”

“What? No!” Alyssa said.

I rolled my eyes. If they wanted to get her to go and get a once over then that was the last thing they should’ve been asking her. Stupid college and their stupid policy of making sure no one under the age of twenty-one had a drop of alcohol touching their lips. As though that was ever a realistic goal.

“Alyssa, you work out harder than that in the pool twice a day every day of the week and you know it,” I said. “Please. Get yourself checked out.”

She stared at me and I wanted to take a step back. That was a cold stare. The sort of stare I wouldn’t expect from her. The kind of stare that made me fall back against some of the foam, and let me tell you it was a good thing the stuff was there to catch my fall.

“I said I don’t need any help,” Alyssa said. There was something odd to her tone though. Sure she looked mad, but it almost felt like she was pleading with me. And even though I hated myself for doing it, I wanted her to feel better. So I caved even though I still had that sneaking suspicion that something was very wrong here.

“Fine,” I said, a little bit of ice creeping into my voice as well. “If you don’t need help then you don’t need help.”

I waded over to the other end of the foam pit and climbed out. Maybe it was petty, but if she was going to be a bullheaded idiot and insist that nothing was wrong and she didn’t need help then I wasn’t going to help her get out of the foam pit. Meanwhile it seemed like the medical types weren’t quite done with her.

“Are you sure you don’t want us to check you out? Losing consciousness like that could be very seri…”

“I said I didn’t need any help! God, is everyone around here deaf?” Alyssa snapped.

“Fine. In that case we’ll need you to sign a paper saying you refused care,” the other medic, or whatever the hell he was, said. Now he was sounding a little snippy too. There was just snippiness to go around for everyone today.

“Um, that’s great and all,” the kid in the university polo who’d come up to check on us originally said. “But if you’re going to do all that then could you maybe do it outside the foam pit? We have a line building up out there and we had to stop this thing.”

Alyssa waded out and signed the paperwork the EMTs handed over to her. She practically threw the clipboard back at them and they gave her some dirty looks as she was walking away. Not that I could blame them. They were only trying to help and she was acting a little out of character tonight.

Then again she was obviously afraid. They didn’t know her well enough to see that, but I did. I could see it in the tightness at the corner of her eyes. I could see it in the way her eyes darted around as though she was looking for something that might hurt her, only I knew now that whatever it was was inside her.

I was pretty sure she knew that too. My stomach turned, and not in the good way it usually did when I thought of Alyssa.

I stepped up to her, suddenly feeling hesitant for some reason. “So are you…”

Alyssa sighed. She suddenly looked more exhausted than anything else. “I told you I’m going to be fine Sarah,” she said.

“I don’t believe you on that for a minute,” I said. “But I was actually about to ask you if you wanted to go back to the dorm and maybe watch a movie or something?”

Alyssa gave me a little smile. It might not be much, but it was more than I’d hoped for. “Going back to the dorms sounds like a great idea. I could really use some time off after that.”

“Sure thing,” I said.

I put an arm around her waist and we walked out of the student center. Outside the sky was dark overhead and I could see stars twinkling in the distance even through the light pollution that usually made it difficult to see much of anything in the skies. I took in a deep breath of the college air. I listened to the opposite sounds of cicadas buzzing off in the distance mixed in with the distant sound of bass thumping from parties going on somewhere on campus.

I knew I should probably leave well enough alone, but I couldn’t help it. I still had so many questions about what had happened. One question in particular was burning brighter than any of the others.

“So is what happened in there related to what happened at the state swim meet?”

I regretted it as soon as it left my mouth. That wasn’t the sort of question I should be asking. It brought up the pain of the swim meet and the pain of what she’d just gone through. It was like I’d taken every hot button that could make Alyssa upset and rolled it up into one.

She looked at me for a long moment. It was an unreadable expression, which wasn’t good. I’d grown used to most of her moods by now, and that I was experiencing one that I didn’t recognize couldn’t be anything good at all.

“You know if I wanted my mother here I could call her,” Alyssa said.

I blinked. It was like a slap to the face. Maybe one that I deserved just a little, but at the same time she didn’t have to go with the nuclear option.

We walked back to the dorm in silence. We watched movies in silence, and we were a respectful distance from one another the entire time. Which was one hell of a difference from business as usual.

But more than anything I was worried. Worried about Alyssa. Worried about what was going on with her.

Now I could add worry about the future of our relationship to that mix.

Fucking great.

20: Falling Down

Sarah:

The crowd roared all around us. I stared up in astonishment. This was nothing like swim meets back in high school. Back there they only had a couple of small sets of bleachers maybe five seats deep on either side of the pool for the home and visiting team to sit on. Those bleachers were usually filled with sweaty parents dressed for the freezing cold outside.

It was always parents in those stands. Never students. The team never won anything so no students gave a damn unless they were on the team.

This couldn’t be more different. Here the viewing area was on the second floor and it ran all the way around the pool so there was a packed crowd all around us cheering. It seemed that swimming was a big deal here. As I looked at those packed stands, as I listened to the cheers washing over me, I knew I’d made the right choice in colleges! I couldn’t believe all that love coming down from people. All that enthusiasm. It would seem impossible if I wasn’t watching it happen.

“You ready to do this?” Alyssa asked.

I turned and grinned at her. “You heard what coach said before the meet. He expects great things from us. I think it’s time for us to deliver!”

“You know it!”

We were the middle two racers in a four person freestyle relay. It wasn’t the butterfly which was our main event, but we wouldn’t be worth much to the college if we were one trick ponies. We were fast no matter what we swam.

Well, except maybe for the breast stroke. My body could never figure out the coordination to get that to work for some reason. Odd that butterfly, the one people said was most difficult, gave me no trouble while the supposedly much easier breast stroke always twisted me into knots.

I patted Alyssa on the back as we squatted down behind the starting block. As we moved down I thought I saw Alyssa wobble just a little. She took a moment then put her hand down and she was steady again.

I brushed it off even though I’d been looking for signs of trouble from her ever since that night at the foam pit. I knew something was wrong with her and I’d been searching for any sign popping up, but so far it had just been little things here and there that could be explained away.

Like maybe she just lost her balance squatting down on the wet tile. It made sense. She seemed to sense me looking at her and she smiled.

At least she’d been in a better mood since that night.

The first girl, her name was Lisa and she was nice enough, stepped up to the block when the official called her up. The entire room went silent. Even the people up top looking down on us. It still felt a bit odd having that many eyes on us, but I could get used to that sort of attention!

“Swimmers, take your mark,” the official said.

Again Alyssa seemed to wobble ever so slightly. It was just a slight tremor but she squeezed her eyes shut. Was she doing that because she was about to take a spill, or was she doing it because she did that before every race? This was the first meet of the year and I’d never seen her preparing for a relay race before. For all I knew this is how she did it. My eyes narrowed and I focused on her.

The beep of the starter brought me back to reality. The cheering started up immediately as the girls leapt off the blocks in a line and sliced into the water. I didn’t pay attention to any of that, though. My attention was entirely on Alyssa as she stood. I wanted to give her a kiss for good luck, but refrained. It wasn’t that I was worried about people finding out about us. I couldn’t care less about that. I figured it would be an unnecessary distraction that might irritate Coach, though, and I had a feeling we were still on his list even though he’d acted like all was forgiven from that day we were late to practice.

I was relieved as she stood. No sign of anything going wrong there. She seemed fine. I hoped she was fine. She got up on the block and I got ready to jump forward and catch her if it looked like there was any sign she’d go tumbling down.

There was hard tile in one direction and water in the other direction. Either way it wouldn’t be good if she fell her.

Only everything seemed fine. Alyssa snapped her swim cap one final time and turned to give me a thumbs up. Lisa was already on the back stretch coming towards us. She was pretty damn fast. At least half a length ahead of everyone else. I grinned and finally allowed myself to really get into the moment. It looked like we were going to win this without any trouble. Especially with me and Alyssa bringing up the middle!

“Go on Alyssa! You’ve got this!” I shouted, my voice adding to the echoing roar filling the natatorium.

Alyssa held her arms out in front of her superman style. She followed Lisa in as she approached the wall. She had to be in the middle of her jump by the time Lisa was almost on the wall, but her feet couldn’t leave the block until Lisa’s hand touched the wall. It was a delicate dance, but it was something we had down to a science after years of competitive swimming.

Her hands traced down until Lisa was almost to the wall. Only instead of pulling her hands back and then rocketing forward into the water Alyssa stayed poised on the edge of diving in for a moment. I paused in adjusting my goggles and looked up at her. Wondered what the heck was going on. She should be going now.

Lisa hit the wall. Then finally some movement from Alyssa. She moved forward, but it wasn’t in a dive. No, it was more like she was rolling forward. She smacked the water at an odd angle and didn’t come up right away. When she did she floated to the surface completely limp as though she’d lost consciousness and started to roll over.

I didn’t think. All the instincts from that lifeguarding class I had took over and I was in the water. Sure I didn’t have a float to keep both of us up, but she seemed to be out of it and besides I was a powerful swimmer. I wrapped my arms around her and scissor kicked to the side of the pool where I held onto her and made sure her head was above water.

A moment later more people were there at the side of the pool with a board.

“How did she hit the water?” the guard asked. “Any chance of a neck injury?”

“Water’s pretty deep here so I don’t think so,” I said. “Better safe than sorry though.”

The only sound in the pool now came from the splashing of swimmers who were still running their race. Everyone on the upper level had gone completely and utterly silent which made for an eerie setting as the lifeguards on duty put the board into the water. I guess everyone realized something was going on.

Then I heard something that chilled me almost as much as what was going on with Alyssa. Someone screaming “my baby!” up in the stands. That had to be her mom. The poor woman. I couldn’t stand her, but I also couldn’t imagine what it must feel like to be up there watching something terrible happen to your child and unable to do something.

I was able to do something though. One of the guards was kind enough to toss me a float and I helped them load Alyssa on, glad that I could fall back on the familiar drills that I never thought I would actually use, let alone use on someone I cared deeply for. Having that training and those motions to go through helped distract me from just how worried I was, at least.

We got her out of the water and the lifeguards, the ones who were paid to watch over the pool during a meet, took over from there. As though on cue some EMTs burst through the door. I was really worried. Alyssa had regained consciousness around this time the first time she passed out and fell over into that foam, but she wasn’t showing any sign of that now. At least she was breathing regularly. It didn’t look like she’d inhaled any water.

I stayed right beside her as they loaded her onto a gurney and pulled her out towards the parking lot. The entire time I heard screaming from the upper level, but I didn’t care. I was here with Alyssa and that was what mattered.

As we were rolling out towards an ambulance Alyssa finally seemed to regain some consciousness. She looked up at me and her eyes fluttered. She reached out to take my hand and I grabbed hers. I tried not to think about how weak her grip was. I tried not to worry. I needed to be strong for her.

“Um, miss?” one of the EMTs said.

I fixed him with a sharp look. There was something about his tone that I didn’t like at all. Something that said he was about to say something stupid that would piss me off when I was already in a delicate state. He looked young. Maybe still in college. Maybe he was one of those premeds who did the ambulance thing to get experience or something.

Either way, he was an obstacle.

“What?” I growled. “And before you open your mouth you’d better not be telling me I can’t get on the ambulance with her. She needs me.”

The EMTs looked at each other then back to me. The older one, a woman with silver hair that was cut short, shrugged then smiled and gave me a wink.

“I won’t say anything if you won’t,” she said.

I didn’t think there was a way for my smile to convey the full measure of gratitude I felt in that moment. So instead I smiled and nodded and climbed into the ambulance.

I felt a small pang of guilt that I was getting to ride in the ambulance while Alyssa’s mom was still in there worried about her daughter with no idea what was going on, but it was only a small pang. The important thing is that I was here with my girlfriend holding her hand. She’d slipped back into unconsciousness again and all we could do was sit in silence as the ambulance started up and carted us off to the hospital.

No, the guilt over her mom being left in there was nothing compared to the burning guilt I felt knowing that all my suspicions had been right and I should’ve said something much earlier. Damn it.

21: The Hospital

Alyssa:

Lisa was coming in for the finish. I held my hands out. Blinding light hit me along with a dizziness the likes of which I’d never felt before. The whole world seemed to float. Or was I floating?

The race. There was a race going on. I needed to be in the water. I wasn’t going to get disqualified again. I wasn’t going to repeat what happened at that stupid fucking state meet where I ruined everything. This stupid dizziness wasn’t going to control my life.

I jumped. Did I jump? Everything was moving so slow. The water was coming up to meet me, but everything felt wrong. I was moving so slow. I could see people in the stands around us cheering, but the cheering was stopping for some reason. I saw Sarah staring at me but she looked horrified.

I hit the water at a weird angle, but it didn’t hurt beyond the slap against my bare back. I was under water. I needed to blow out of my nose but it wasn’t working. At least I didn’t try to breath. I couldn’t move my legs. My brain was telling my body to move and my body wasn’t listening.

Damn it.

What was wrong? I knew this wasn’t right, but I couldn’t get anything to work. Everything went black around me.

Flashes of life. Was my life flashing before me? If it was it was showing me things that had never happened before.

Sarah wrapping her arms around me in the water.

Floating at the edge of the pool on some hard surface.

The natatorium ceiling flew past me as I floated on a cloud of air towards the door.

The sun and sky overhead. It was a little overcast and really cold. I mean not too cold, but the air hitting my wet suit and skin felt downright chilly. Fall was coming.

Someone growling at someone else. That sounded like Sarah. Darkness again. A strange white color and Sarah hovering over me.

Darkness.

When I woke up again there was beeping all around me. I was staring up at something bright and white. What the heck was that? I looked to the side and saw a bunch of machines. Sitting next to those machines were Sarah and my mom, and neither one of them looked too happy.

Of course Sarah didn’t look happy because she was leaning forward and staring at me with worry. My mom didn’t look happy because she kept glancing over at Sarah as though annoyed she would dare to be there.

I opened my mouth and tried to talk but it was hard. My mouth felt dry. I couldn’t get anything out. My voice croaked.

Sarah leapt into action first. She reached over to a tray I didn’t even see beside my bed and put a straw to my lips. I drank without thinking and water flooded my mouth. That felt good, but for some reason I still felt dizzy and weak. That was really weird. Usually that feeling went away pretty damn quick. Why was it staying?

A bit of fear and panic was starting to hit me. Something was very wrong. I should’ve listened to Sarah when she wanted me to get checked out.

I finally found my voice after that drink of water.

“What happened?” I croaked.

I winced. Okay, maybe I hadn’t quite found my voice. Oops.

“You need to sit back and not worry about that,” mom said. She said it in that voice that told me she was hiding something from me. Really not good. The last time she did that was when I fell out of a tree and broke my leg and she thought it would worry me too much if the doctor told me what was actually wrong.

I looked at Sarah instead. “Can you tell me what’s going on here?”

An irritated glance from mom to Sarah. I didn’t care. If she wasn’t going to tell me what was going on here then I’d talk to someone who would, damn it.

Sarah sighed. “There’s something wrong with you and they’re not sure what.”

Mom cut in. Apparently her desire to be the center of attention overrode any desire she might have to protect me from the horrible truth of whatever was happening to me.

“Now that you’re awake a doctor is going to come in and talk with you,” she said.

“Yeah,” Sarah continued. “And you need to tell them everything that’s been going on with you lately. Everything.”

Sarah glanced to my mom and then back to me real quick. The meaning was clear enough. She knew there was something going on but she wasn’t about to say anything in front of my mom and cause me any more trouble. I suppose the least I could do is actually be honest about this for a change, as much as I hated it.

As much as I dreaded hearing my mom making a big deal out of it.

I felt another wave of dizziness and exhaustion pass over me. I closed my eyes and some of the beeping grew erratic for a moment. I had no idea what any of that meant. It probably wasn’t good that it was making all sorts of weird beeping noises though.

“Alyssa? Honey? Are you okay?” mom asked. “Is this too much for you? I don’t want you exerting yourself too much!”

I felt the world slipping away again. Yeah, this felt like shit. I shouldn’t be slipping in and out of consciousness like this. I should be celebrating a win at a swim meet. The first win of the year.

Shit. The meet. They probably lost that race because of me. And if Sarah was here that meant she’d missed her events too. We were going to be in a whole lot of trouble over that.

“I think you need to go,” I heard mom saying, though her voice was funny. It was like I was listening to her from the end of a long tunnel or something with her voice echoing quietly down that tunnel.

“What? I’m not going,” Sarah replied. Her voice sounded funny too. Weird.

“Well you don’t have that choice, do you? Alyssa is sleeping now and I’m her parent and that means I make the calls here missy. I don’t want you giving me any lip. I don’t know what’s going on with the two of you, but you need to get out of here before you cause her any more trouble!”

Mom’s voice was getting louder. Like she was really upset about something. Great. That would be just like her to start shouting in the middle of a hospital room.

No. I couldn’t go to sleep with that happening. Somehow I clawed towards those sounds. It was so tempting to go under again, but not while they were having a shouting match. Not when I could do something about it. I opened my eyes and mom was on her feet pointing an accusing finger down at Sarah.

“You need to get ou…”

“Mom. Stop,” I said, putting as much force as I could behind those words. Which admittedly wasn’t much. It was enough to get my mom to turn to me and pay attention though.

“What was that honey?” she said, her voice suddenly dripping with false concern. I hated it when she acted like this. With anyone else I might think she was actually concerned. With her I knew she was just worried that she’d been caught.

“I said you need to stop. You can’t kick Sarah out of the room like that,” I said.

“And why can’t I? I have to say I don’t like this new rebellious streak you’ve gotten in you missy. I am your mother!”

Fury burned inside me and replaced some of the worry I’d felt. I suppose I could thank my mom for that, at least. Why couldn’t she realize that I was in college? I was here on a scholarship I’d earned. I was paying my way. Except for their health insurance I was independent, and I didn’t have to put up with this crap anymore.

It was a stunning revelation. I didn’t have to put up with this crap anymore. I could tell her where to take her false concern and stuff it. I glanced around the room to see if dad was around but he’d gone missing. It was down to me and my mom.

“You don’t tell me what to do and you don’t tell my friend what to do,” I said. “I want her in here and that’s final. You don’t get a say in who comes into my hospital room.”

“I think as your mother I do! What’s so important about this girl that you want her around anyways? Can’t you see you haven’t been acting like yourself since she came around? She’s probably the reason this whole thing happened!”

Sarah opened her mouth to defend herself and I held up a hand to stop her.

“She’s important to me,” I snapped. “That’s all that should matter to you!”

“Well it doesn’t matter to me! I’m your mother. Is she more important to you than your mother?”

“Yes! She’s my girlfriend! Okay? Now would you back off?”

Sarah looked stunned. Her eyes darted around the room as though she’d suddenly rather be anywhere but in the room with me and my mom. She looked over to the door like an animal looking for escape but to her credit she stayed rooted to the spot. Even now she wasn’t going to leave me, and for that I was glad.

The stunned look on Sarah’s face was nothing compared to how stunned my mom looked, though. Her mouth worked like she was trying to say something, but it looked like my admission had short-circuited her brain for a moment. She looked between the two of us and her expression darkened, but before she could get her mouth working again a doctor walked in and glanced around with an eyebrow raised.

Great. He’d probably heard the whole shouting match and thought we were crazy. Just wonderful.

At least it kept the shouting match from continuing though. As coming outs went, I figured this was a hell of a way to let my mom know that her little girl was gay. Not that I could do anything about it now. The cat was well and truly out of the bag.

“Everything okay in here?” he asked.

Dad came in behind him. Huh. So that’s where he’d been. Probably off telling the doctor that I was awake now and they could come in and talk to me. The exertion of arguing with my mom was starting to get to me, but I figured I could handle a brief chat.

I looked at my mom. “Could you please go? Having you in here is stressing me out.”

Mom looked at me and Alyssa again. She looked over to the doctor and my dad as though she was expecting some sort of support from them. The doctor merely busied himself looking at some notes on a clipboard in his hand and dad shrugged.

How ironic that she was doing the very thing she accused Sarah of. Ironic, but not very surprising.

“Fine,” she said. “But this isn’t over missy. Not by a long shot.”

Mom stalked out of the room. Sarah squeezed my hand and mouthed “thank you.” I gave her hand a squeeze back, but it worried me how weak my hand felt.

The doctor moved in and sat down next to me. “Right. Alyssa? We need to talk over some testing results we got and have a discussion about how you’ve been feeling lately. Do you feel up to it?”

I didn’t feel up to it. Mostly because I was afraid we were going to come to a conclusion that I wasn’t going to like, but the time for ignoring problems was gone. It was time to face the music.

“Yeah, we can talk about it,” I said with a resigned sigh.

At least I had Sarah here to provide strength. She was doing what she always did. She was there for me. As long as I had that I figured I could get through anything.

I hoped I could.

22: Awkward

Sarah:

Awkwardness. My life was awkwardness. I was supposed to be there for Alyssa but all I could think about was her mom swishing around the back of the room like a cat with its tail lashing. Every time she stared at me it was with pure hate.

There was an explosion coming. The only thing keeping it from happening right now was that Alyssa was awake and she was looking between the two of us with a scowl. I comforted myself that the scowl wasn’t for me, at least.

Still, awkward. It had been awkward for awhile now. It didn’t help that I really had to pee. I didn’t want to go, though, because with Alyssa’s mom around I was pretty sure that if I left the room I wouldn’t be let back in. It was a silly feeling, but I knew it was true.

“Are you sure you don’t need anything honey?” her mom asked.

Alyssa turned her attention away from the TV. Some sitcom that had been popular back in the ‘90s and now it only had a life on late night cable TV in hospitals where there was a large enough population of people old enough to remember the show. Something to watch while they were ticking time down to the end.

Now there was a morbid thought. I squeezed Alyssa’s hand. I really hoped she wasn’t ticking time down.

“For the last time mom, if I need something I’ll be sure to tell you,” Alyssa said. “Now can I please watch this show? It’s one of my favorite episodes.”

“You always say they’re your favorite episode,” her mom replied. “Have you been doing nothing but watching TV since you got to college?”

She turned and rolled her eyes at me. I suppressed the urge to giggle. Something told me this wasn’t one of her favorite episodes. She hadn’t mentioned this show or watched much TV the entire time we were in the dorms. The TV was strictly for movies, and even then we didn’t pay much attention to the movies we watched since there were far more interesting things to do.

Someone appeared at the door. I thought it might be Alyssa’s dad and felt some relief. For some reason her parents didn’t spend much time in the same room together. Almost as though they were doing shifts or something. Except it wasn’t her dad.

It was the same doctor she’d talked to a couple of days ago before they started subjecting her to every test imaginable. And I didn’t like the look on his face one bit. The guy really needed to work on his poker face, because that wasn’t a face that said he had good news.

My heart leapt for Alyssa. I felt panic at the thought of something bad happening to her. This couldn’t be happening to her. We were so young and in shape and we were in love and it wasn’t fair that something bad could happen to her.

I forced myself to calm down. I was letting my brain run away without really thinking this through.

“Do you have a moment for me to talk to you Alyssa?” he asked, finally remembering to plaster a smile on his face. Too little too late in my opinion.

“Yeah, I guess now’s as good a time as any,” Alyssa said. “What’s up doc?”

The doctor grimaced. Something told me this wasn’t the first time he’d heard that joke.

“Well I need to talk about some of the test results,” he said. He glanced pointedly first to me and then to her mom. “This might be something better discussed alone.”

I fought the urge to let out a frustrated growl. I was sure all the staff on this floor knew all about the battle between me and Alyssa’s mom at this point. Certainly the doc here had been doing his best to step lightly around us as though he was afraid we were going to launch into an argument again any time now.

“No, whatever you have to say you can say in front of them,” Alyssa said. She turned to look at her mom. “I want you to be on your best behavior whatever he says.”

Her mom sniffed as though she’d been greatly insulted, but she kept her mouth shut. I suppose that was the best we could expect at this point.

The doc shrugged. It was obvious he could tell how awkward the moment was, but he was staying out of it. Instead he focused on the paperwork in front of him and frowned. That panic started to return. If he was frowning then he didn’t have anything good to say. Damn it.

“So your blood work came back with an abnormally high white blood cell count which led us to run some more detailed tests and I’m afraid we’re going to have to get you into treatment almost immedia…”

I felt dizzy. I felt like I was going to be the one passing out now. I didn’t really hear the words the doctor said after that. I just got an impression of what he was saying. Picked up the important bits.

Whatever it was, it was something they were used to dealing with. The doctor made it sound like it was as routine as you could get with a life threatening illness and I suppose that was a good thing. Alyssa was going to have to go into treatment immediately.

It didn’t help that her mom started wailing and going into hysterics as soon as the big “c” word was mentioned. The way she went on you’d think she was the one who was diagnosed with the disease and not her daughter. The only thing that kept me from reaching across Alyssa and smacking the lady was that I needed to be here for Alyssa. This was about her, and not how therapeutic it would be to leave a big red mark on her mom’s cheek.

It got so bad that the doctor finally looked up.

“Ma’am, please. If you keep that up I’m going to have to insist that you leave the room,” he said.

Now that got her to shut up right quick. It was amazing. One moment she was screaming at the top of her lungs and the tears were coming and the next moment she shut up and the tears were completely gone with a quick wipe of her hand.

Damn. This lady really was crazy.

“So be honest with me doc,” Alyssa said. “Is this thing survivable? What are my chances?”

He smiled. Finally I had the feeling that there might be an island of good news in the supreme shit sandwich we’d had to deal with lately.

“The good news is that caught this early in a person as young and healthy as you are the prognosis is usually pretty good as far as these things go. Of course there are also no guarantees, and when I say that…”

Alyssa held a hand up to stop him. “How about we just leave it at that doc? I liked it when you stopped at people can survive this at my age.”

The doctor smiled. “Fine. If you want to leave it at that then you can leave it at that.”

Then they were back into talking about all the treatment options they had. I didn’t pay attention to much of that. I wasn’t going into medicine or anything related to science so it wasn’t like I’d be able to understand what it was. The upshot was that it was going to be a pain in the ass and it was probably going to kick Alyssa’s ass.

When he was done she miraculously still had a smile on her face. That was enough to bring a smile to my face. All that overwhelming stuff happening to her and she still managed to keep a pretty positive outlook on things. Next to that I couldn’t not smile.

“The important thing in the next month or so while you’re undergoing treatment is that you have a support network there to help you out,” the doctor said. He turned to look at me and her mom. “A strong support network filled with people who provide a calm loving environment can be critical for people who are going through a tough time.”

The way he placed a strong emphasis on calm and loving left no doubt in my mind exactly what he was worried about. Well that was entirely on her mom. I was going to do my best to be the nicest most Pollyanna bitch anyone ever knew while Alyssa was going through this. My life was all about making hers as easy as possible from here on out until this was over.

This was terrible, but I could make it a lot less terrible for her. Or I could try, at least.

“That’s okay,” Alyssa said. She gave my hand a squeeze and smiled at me. “I’m just going to have to fight this and win. I’ve found that I have a whole lot to live for.”

I smiled and leaned in to kiss her on the cheek. I figured that was chaste enough for the purposes of being right in front of her mother and a doctor, but her mom still sniffed as though we’d just started making out in front of her. I could tell she was going to be trouble, but any trouble would come from her and not from me.

Still, I could see that there was trouble on the horizon. I just hoped it wasn’t bad. I mean bad in addition to the already bad news that my girlfriend had cancer. That was already pretty bad.

Alyssa squeezed my hand again and I felt warm and fuzzy inside. No, no matter how bad it got I would be there for her. I squeezed right back and hoped that communicated everything it needed to. From the way she smiled it felt like she got the message loud and clear.

“Right, well that pretty much covers everything that I needed to go over with you right now. We’ll be getting started on some of those treatments as soon as possible, but I wanted to give you a little bit of time to sit and process everything that just happened. I know it can be a lot,” the doctor said.

Alyssa smiled and gave him a little wave. “That’s fine. You go do what you have to do. I have a feeling there’s going to be a lot to talk about in here.”

I leaned back in my own seat but kept my hand in hers. Damn this chair was uncomfortable. And I still had to pee. I looked across the room towards Alyssa’s mom and resolved that I really wasn’t going to leave now no matter how uncomfortable it got. That was the look of a woman who was planning on starting something as soon as she could.

The doctor stood and left. Alyssa looked between the two of us and smiled.

“Given everything we just heard, mother, I’m sure you agree that what I really need is someone who can help me out and keep me calm, right?”

“I suppose,” her mom said, her voice short and clipped.

“Right. Well Sarah is that for me. I need a nap right now, and when I wake up I fully expect Sarah to still be here. Got it?”

“Yes,” her mom said.

Alyssa smiled again and leaned back in her bed. She closed her eyes and a moment later her chest was rising and falling with the steady breath of a person deep in sleep. Not that I could blame her. She’d been through a lot, and if she really did have leukemia then I’m sure that was taking a hell of a lot out of her. It was a miracle she was able to go as hard as she had for as long as she had.

Now that she was asleep I figured it was also safe to have a candid conversation with her mom. I looked up at her and forced myself to smile. It was difficult, but we were going to have to learn to get along for Alyssa.

“I want you to know that whatever happened between us before, I’m perfectly willing to play nice. If not for us then for Alyssa’s sake,” I said.

I thought that was more than fair. This crazy bitch had hated me from day one and I hadn’t done anything to deserve it. And she continued right on proving that she hadn’t changed with a sniff and a glare that could’ve bored a hole in solid steel armor.

“We’ll see about that,” she said.

Okay. Whatever. You want to be a crazy bitch, be a crazy bitch, but I’m going to be sunshine and fucking rainbows because that’s what Alyssa needed. I figured it was a testament to how upset I was that I was swearing in my internal monologue.

Reluctantly I let go of Alyssa’s hand and stood to stretch. She’d just made it clear I was welcome in here no matter what and I really had to pee. I could go now safe and secure in the knowledge that I’d always be welcome in this room.

And her mom could suck it if she thought she was going to stop me.

23: Exhausted

Alyssa:

“I’m so worried.”

Sarah leaned forward and patted my hand. I smiled, but it didn’t last for long. Looking down at my hand was a reminder of what I was going through here with all the wires and everything running all over me.

“You’re going to be just fine. You heard what the doctor said. You’re in a really good place,” she said.

I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, I know I tried to be all sunshine and rainbows back there, but that was mostly for my mom.”

I took a deep breath. Let it out in an attempt to chase away the shivers that threatened every time I thought about what I was going through. I told myself the deep breaths helped, but I wasn’t sure how true that was.

“Come on Alyssa,” Sarah said. “You’re going to be fine. You take your medicine like the doctor asks and then you’re good as new and you’ll be back at school before you know it!”

I shook my head. I was so glad my mom wasn’t in here right now. I could finally let loose with everything that was bothering me for the first time since this avalanche of bad stuff hit me. It was ridiculous that I had to act strong for my mom rather than the other way around because I was afraid of her reaction.

“You don’t understand Sarah,” I said. “This isn’t just taking medicine. Talking to the doctor it sounds like they’re basically giving my body poison and hoping it kills the cancer before it kills me. Does that sound like just taking my medicine?”

Sarah blinked. Obviously she hadn’t thought of it like that. I’d thought about it. A lot. This whole situation sucked. My body was betraying me on the inside and the drugs they were going to use were going to make me feel more sick in the short term even if they might make me feel better in the long run.

I hated it. I hated everything. It wasn’t fair!

I took another deep breath. Let it out. No. I wasn’t going to go there. I wasn’t going to let darkness and despair take over. I was going to be positive about this and get through it, damn it. Even if I did continually worry over worst case scenarios.

Speaking of the worst case…

“How’s practice going?” I asked.

Sarah paused for a moment. “I suppose it’s okay. Everyone is asking about you. I keep them updated. Coach wanted me to tell you that there’s a spot waiting for you when you’ve beat this.”

I sighed. “Is there a spot waiting for me when I’ve beat this?”

Sarah frowned. “What are you talking about? You’re on the team! You’re going to be one of the best swimmers this school has ever seen. Why wouldn’t there be a spot waiting for you when you get better?”

“What if I’m not one of the best swimmers this school has ever seen by the time they get done with me? This is going to hurt me, a lot. What if I lose it and I don’t get it back?”

“You’re being crazy Alyssa,” Sarah said.

“Am I? Even if the medicine they’re poisoning me with doesn’t do it I’m going to be out of the pool for a long time. That’s a long time to recover. I’ve never been out of the pool that long in my entire life. Ever.”

Sarah patted my hand again. “I know you’re worried, but you shouldn’t be. Coach said they’re saving a spot for you on the team and that’s that. They’ll work with you to make sure you’re back to normal in no time.”

“What about my scholarship? If I lose that…”

I didn’t want to think about that. If I lost that then I’d have to go home. I’d have to go to community college while living with my parents. I wasn’t sure I could deal with that after the taste of freedom I’d gotten this summer and fall.

Sarah leaned back and grinned. “You don’t need to worry about that. You always come out on top and I’m always going to be here for you.”

I felt good hearing her say that. I leaned back and closed my eyes a bit.

“This has been a crazy ride we’ve been on, hasn’t it?”

“We have. I never would’ve thought when I went to those sectionals that all this would happen,” Sarah said. “Funny how life works out sometimes, isn’t it?”

“Yup. Definitely funny,” I replied. “I was so surprised when you came to the state meet. I figured you would hate my guts for, y’know…”

I couldn’t see Sarah, but I felt her reach out and trace a finger up and down the length of my hand. That felt good. I smiled. A girl could get used to something like that. Not to mention that with the lack of contact lately that simple stroke of her finger along the top of my hand was enough to really get my attention!

“Maybe I was mad for a little while,” she said. “But I realized pretty quick that I couldn’t get you out of my head and I had to do something about it.”

“I’m glad you did,” I said. I paused and thought for a moment. A dark thought that had occurred to me a couple of times since I got this news suddenly flitted through my brain and right out my mouth. “Y’know I sometimes wonder if maybe this is some sort of karmic balance or something. I felt like things were going too good.”

“Don’t you ever think like that,” Sarah said. “That’s not the way the world works and you know it.”

“I guess I do,” I said.

I was starting to feel tired. It was getting more and more difficult to hang on. I was so tired. Maybe when they started me on the treatment I’d actually be able to stay awake for more than a half hour here and there.

I felt someone come into the room. It was my mom’s shift right now. Weird how I’d come to think of it as the two of them taking shifts, but it seemed like the two of them were never in the room at the same time. I might think there was something to that if my brain wasn’t so clouded all the time.

She walked in and looked at the two of us sitting there hand in hand. She scowled and turned right back around. I didn’t have the energy to roll my eyes, but the temptation was there. She’d done this a couple of times now.

“Mom, you can stay you know. You’re not going to spend much time in here if you leave every time you see me and Sarah together.”

“That’s fine honey,” she said. “You have fun with your friend there. I’ll be down the hall if you need me.”

I let out a growl as she left. I didn’t care if she heard me. She’d been like this ever since we got the news. Talking about Sarah as though she was just a friend. Pointedly ignoring the fact that we were an item. It was frustrating.

“Nice to see she’s still keeping an open mind,” Sarah said.

“She’s always been a lot to deal with,” I said. “I never would’ve expected her to act like this though.”

“I could always leave if that’s what you want,” Sarah said.

“No! Not a chance,” I said. “If having a potentially life threatening disease has taught me anything it’s how to not give a fuck. I’m not letting her chase you away.”

“I’m glad to hear you say that,” Sarah said. “I keep worrying that I’m going to come in here and you won’t want me around anymore for some reason.”

“That’s crazy. You’re my favorite person in the world. There’s no way I wouldn’t want you around.”

I leaned back in the bed again. It was so tempting to slip into unconsciousness. At least there I didn’t have to worry about how exhausted I felt. It was so unlike what I was used to. I was used to being strong. I was used to being at the top of my game. I was used to being a champion swimmer.

Now here I was confined to a bed, but at least I had Sarah with me. I started stroking her hand. Somewhere between our downer conversation and my mom coming in and being her usual bubbly self Sarah had stopped stroking my hand, and I didn’t really want her to stop.

We sat like that in silence for a stretch of time. I wasn’t sure quite how long it lasted. Sometimes I went in and out of sleep and it made it difficult to tell exactly how much time had passed. Time passing. Something occurred to me.

“How are you here all the time and still going to your classes and swim practice?”

Sarah shrugged. “I’m still going. I just try my best to get over here whenever I can. The hospital is close to campus and you’re usually asleep when I get here.”

“Sleep,” I said. “That sounds nice. I might take a little nap.”

“You go right ahead if that’s what you need,” Sarah said. “You could use all the rest you can get.”

I was drifting into unconsciousness when someone came into the room again. I hoped it was my dad this time. It wasn’t quite time for his shift to start, but he was always a lot nicer to Sarah than mom was for some reason.

I opened my eyes and blinked in confusion. It wasn’t my dad or my mom. It was some new lady I didn’t recognize wearing scrubs.

“Who are you?” I asked.

She had a tray in front of her that had all sorts of weird medicine on it. She glanced over to Sarah and then to me. Smiled when she saw us holding hands.

“I’m sorry to interrupt,” she said. “But I’m here to start you on your medicine and I’m afraid I need to clear the room. I’m sure your friend can come back as soon as we’re done.”

“Actually I need to head back to campus for afternoon practice anyways,” Sarah said.

She pulled her hand away and I whimpered. I didn’t want her to leave. Especially with this strange woman in here giving me medicine that I knew was going to make me miserable. I’d been reading up on treatments on my phone and none of it sounded very fun.

Not that there was anything fun about cancer. I was too old to get a free trip to Disney or anything like that.

“Promise you’ll be back later tonight?” I asked.

Sarah grinned and leaned down to kiss my forehead. I would’ve preferred a real kiss, but I was also conscious of the nurse watching us and figured it might be best not to rock the boat with too much PDA. I guess I could be thankful that I was more worried about people being upset about PDA and less concerned about them reacting negatively to the whole gay thing.

“You’re going to do awesome Alyssa,” Sarah said. “And I promise I’ll be right back here after practice.”

“I’ll see you then,” I replied.

I felt a sense of loss as she walked out of the room. I watched until she disappeared down the hall. For some reason I had a sense of foreboding. As though that was going to be the last time I saw Sarah.

That was ridiculous, of course. It’s not like I was going under the knife or anything. I shook my head and turned to face the nurse.

“Okay then,” I said. “Do your worst.”

The nurse smiled. A sad smile that didn’t make me feel any better. “You’re joking, but you might be surprised how close that is to the truth by the time you’re done. I promise it’s all worth it though.”

Damn. So much for being funny in the face of danger. I just hoped this wasn’t as bad as everything I’d read online led me to believe it was.

I really wished Sarah didn’t have to go to that stupid practice. I could use her backing me up right about now.

24: Denied

Sarah:

I stared at all the available options in the vending machine. I hadn’t had time to get a proper dinner on my way back from practice and I needed some calories in me now to make up for the giant gnawing hole in my stomach that always came from swimming more yards in a couple of hours than most people did in a whole year.

I finally settled on a candy bar. Sure Coach would kill me if he could see my food choices, but it was calorie dense and he wasn’t here in the hospital so I didn’t care.

I turned to leave and stopped when I saw Alyssa’s dad step into the vending lounge. He paused and there was an awkward moment where I wasn’t sure what to say to the guy. Sure we’d come to that truce on move-in day, but who knew what had happened since then. He was married to Alyssa’s mom, after all. She’d had plenty of time to work on him.

Was he friend or foe?

“Hi,” he said with a sheepish smile.

“Hi yourself,” I replied, still cautious.

“How’s Alyssa doing?” I asked.

He shook his head. “I went in there right after they gave her all that medicine. So many pills. Not sure what they did to her, but she was out like a light and has been asleep ever since.”

I sighed in relief. “I guess that’s a good thing. She was worried about the medicine making her feel like crap. If she’s asleep then she can’t feel anything.”

“I suppose,” he said. “Her mother is in there watching her right now.”

I rolled my eyes. “Great. That’s going to be a joy dealing with her while Alyssa’s asleep.”

He chuckled. “Yeah, makes me glad…”

He stopped and looked up at me sharply. He’d just given something away. Then it all clicked into place. The way they’d been avoiding being in the same room at the same time even if they were trying to be there for their daughter.

“You two separated, didn’t you?” I asked.

“I shouldn’t have said anything,” he said.

“Yeah? Looks like you’re not the only one who can use your mind tricks to figure things out! When did that happen? Congratulations?”

He sat down on a chair and sighed. “It actually happened about a week after we dropped Alyssa off at school. Tiffany was on one of her rants and something snapped. I realized I didn’t have to put up with it anymore and that was that.”

“Damn,” I breathed out. “Must be nice that you can get away like that. Seems like I’m stuck with her.”

He chuckled. “Yeah, well, you don’t have to be around her all the time. Be thankful for that. Now that Alyssa is out of the house it just seemed silly to stick around any longer.”

“But you haven’t told Alyssa? That’s a long time for the two of you to be split. I’m pretty sure she would’ve said something to me if she knew.”

“We decided not to tell her at first because we didn’t want it to mess with her swimming,” he said.

“You mean your ex didn’t want it to worry her?” I asked.

He grinned. “Something like that. Then this happened and it just didn’t seem like the time to bring up all that nastiness. So we didn’t.”

“Fair enough,” I said. “She’s going to find out sometime though. That’s not going to be pretty. I had friends who freaked out when their parents split when they were young. Can’t imagine what that’s going to feel like all grown up.”

“Yeah, well if Tiffany had her way Alyssa would never find out. We’d be pretending to be together for holidays for the rest of our lives,” he said with a snort. “As though there’s a snowball’s chance in hell of that happening.”

“Why does that not surprise me coming from her?” I asked.

“She has a certain way of looking at the world,” he said. “You shouldn’t take everything she says personally though. She’s having trouble getting used to the idea of Alyssa being out there in the world. I think she’ll come around eventually.”

I made a noise that wasn’t exactly agreement or disagreement. I didn’t think it was likely at all that Tiffany was going to come around, but I also figured now wasn’t the time or the place.

“Well I should probably head over there and face your ex,” I said. “I’d like to make sure Alyssa is okay. Luckily I brought lots of homework if she’s still out.”

“Good. You do that. I’ll be around a little later and talk with you then,” he said.

I felt a little better as I made my way down the hall towards Alyssa’s room. It was nice to know I had the support of at least one parent. It was also nice to know that Alyssa wouldn’t necessarily have to stay under the same roof as her mom if she did have to go back home. I didn’t want to think about that. I’d tried to be reassuring when she was worried she might get kicked off the team, but there was a part of me that worried about what kind of future she’d have in swimming if she was out for too long.

I pushed those thoughts aside as I stepped into her room. She had enough worries without me doing that on her behalf. Everything would be fine. Even if it didn’t look like it.

My heart leapt when I saw Alyssa. She was the same old Alyssa, but she looked so fragile and peaceful asleep on the bed with all those wires hooked up to her beeping and giving off information that I couldn’t understand. Her breathing was a slow and steady rhythm that went in time with some beeping machine that was probably tracking her breathing.

Her mom was at the edge of the bed in the seat I preferred, holding her hand. That wasn’t a big deal though. The lady was her mother, after all. It’s not like I should monopolize all her time. Instead I set my book bag down on a chair on the other end of the room. I’d do some homework unless Alyssa showed signs of waking up.

“What do you think you’re doing in here?”

I looked up in surprise. Her mom was staring straight at me, and that was not a friendly look on her face.

“I told Alyssa I’d be here tonight, so here I am. Remember what she said about wanting me around?” I asked.

I was on the defensive. I didn’t like being on the defensive. It felt like she somehow had the upper hand.

Tiffany stood and moved across the room. Stalked across the room is more like it. If she was a cat her tail would be lashing. Her eyes were pure fire as she stared down at me. She got good and close and hissed, but she might as well be shouting at me. It was obvious she was trying not to wake Alyssa.

“Alyssa is obviously confused and she doesn’t know what she wants,” Tiffany hissed. “The best thing for her right now is to avoid all that confusion. You need to leave, now.”

Oh hell no. She was not doing this to me. Not after Alyssa made it damn clear that she wanted me around.

“There’s not a chance that’s happening,” I said. “You might not like that I’m with your daughter, but I am and she wants me here. I’m not budging from this seat.”

She leaned in even closer. A smile spread across her face, but it was in no way a pleasant smile. No, that was the sort of smile I figured you’d see on a shark right before it chomped down on a delicious fish in its sights.

“That’s the thing. If I tell you to budge from that seat then you’re budging young lady. You’re not family, Alyssa’s going to be out for awhile, and that means she doesn’t have any say on who comes into this room. I do,” she said. “Now I’m going to tell you one more time. I think it would be best if you leave before I have to contact hospital security and make sure you leave. Do we understand one another.”

I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t even know if she could follow through on that threat, but it seemed plausible. I wasn’t related to Alyssa. I was just the girlfriend. Even if she was just spewing bullshit, though, there was a good chance she was going to cause a scene and that was the last thing Alyssa needed to wake up to.

I told myself it wasn’t a big deal. That I’d just come back later and make sure her dad was in the room. That was safe enough. I could zip in, see her, then zip back out again before her mom showed up. In the meantime I did have lots of homework to catch up on.

I glared up at her. She was going to see this as a win. Maybe it was a win for her. It certainly felt like a loss for me.

“This isn’t over,” I said. “Alyssa’s going to wake up and she’s going to ask about me.”

“Keep telling yourself that,” she replied. “If I have anything to do with it you won’t get to see my daughter until this is all over, and maybe not even then.”

I balled my hand into a fist and that’s when I knew it was really time for me to get the heck out of here. Alyssa didn’t need to wake up to her mother and her girlfriend getting into a shouting match, and she definitely didn’t need to wake up to the two of us punching each other in the hospital.

That would be a surefire way for both of us to get kicked out. Maybe for good. So I’d be the bigger person here. Funny that the college kid was acting more adult than the adult in the room. If that’s what it took to keep the peace, though.

I stopped for one last look at Alyssa. She stirred and for a moment I dared to hope that she might be waking up, but she didn’t. She settled back down with a cute smile on her face. I memorized that look. With the crazy lady guarding her I wasn’t sure when I’d get to see that beautiful face smiling like that again.

I glared at her one last time. I wanted that glare to communicate that this was far from over. I would be back. Judging by the triumphant smile on her face it seemed she disagreed, but whatever.

I stepped out into the hall and took in a deep breath. Let it out long and slow. It was a relaxation technique I learned from my high school coach and it helped me out in any high stress situation. Not only when I was getting ready for a touch race. Ironically the only time I’d really felt like using the technique before a race was when I was about to face down Alyssa in the pool.

On the way out I stopped by the nurse’s station. The lady there, a pretty blonde who couldn’t be more than a few years older than me, smiled.

“Can I help you?”

“Yeah, I was just wondering about visiting policy,” I said.

“What’s the question?”

“If the patient is incapacitated for some reason can the family control who comes in and out of their room?”

The lady’s smile grew even brighter for some reason. I didn’t know if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

“Certainly! The policy is family only without permission from the patient or from the family of the patient if they’re not available. If you have someone you want restricted from the floor just let us know and we’ll have security keep an eye out.”

“Really? There’s not some regulation or something saying anyone can visit if they want?”

“Oh there have been a few guidelines handed down, but only for Medicare or Medicaid hospitals and this one doesn’t accept either. I did a paper on it in school and it’s actually very…”

I held a hand up to stop her. I was sure her paper was very interesting, but I didn’t really want to go into that right now. All I could do was reel at my continually shifting circumstances. Why did it feel like they were never shifting for the better lately?

No, I wasn’t going to think like that. No matter what happened I was still better off than poor Alyssa in there on who knows what medication hooked up to all those machines. I’d get in there to see her. This was just a temporary setback.

“Thanks,” I muttered, then I turned and walked out of the hospital. I tried to tell myself I was doing the right thing by not causing a scene, but I couldn’t help but think that it was a mistake.

25: Awake

Alyssa:

I blinked. Light streamed in and it was almost too much for me to take. How could there be that much light? Why weren’t my eyes adjusting?

“Sarah?”

I felt a hand grab my own. Give it a squeeze. I felt better already knowing she was there. I kept my eyes closed for a moment. Whatever that medicine was they gave me, it made me feel like I’d fallen down a few flights of stairs and then had the crap kicked out of me at the end for good measure.

It also apparently did something to my eyes to royally screw up my vision.

“It’s okay honey. Mommy’s here.”

My eyes shot open and I immediately regretted it. Light flooded in and it was like an ice pick right to the brain. Or what I imagined an ice pick right to the brain might feel like. Admittedly I didn’t have much firsthand experience with that sort of thing, which was a good thing.

“Mom? What are you doing here?”

I looked around the room. Everything was sort of blurry and fuzzy. As though my brain was having trouble putting together a complete picture of everything. I searched for a blob that looked like Sarah, but she wasn’t anywhere to be found in the room.

“Where’s Sarah?” I asked.

I looked over to my mom. She had a concerned look on her face. A look I recognized all too well from all the times she sat by my bed growing up when she thought I was sick. It would’ve been something that brought back good memories, only she had a habit of sitting by my bed like I was on the edge of death if I just sneezed.

“Sarah isn’t here right now darling,” she said, still trying to sound syrupy and sweet. Like the perfect mother she always thought she was. I knew the other mom was lurking just under the surface though.

“Come on mom. Where is she? She said she wasn’t going to leave. Did she go down to get food or something? Is she back at the dorms for the night?”

I had a hard time believing she’d be back at the dorms for the night. She’d slept in this room a couple of times, getting up in the morning to trudge from the hospital to campus so she could go to practice in the morning. I knew it had to be taking a lot out of her, but it made me feel so safe and secure knowing she was near.

I watched my mom closely as she responded. My vision was starting to come into sharper focus, and so I saw it. The real mom shone through for a moment. An annoyed glance when I mentioned Sarah again.

I suddenly had more than a sneaking suspicion that mom did something.

“What did you say to Sarah?” I asked. I didn’t bother hiding the anger, heat, and accusation from my voice. “I swear if you…”

“Oh honey,” mom said, her face suddenly so sad. That took me back for a moment. Syrupy sweet I could deal with. Angry I could deal with. Talking about what a wonderful mother she was I could understand because that’s what she always did.

This was something completely different though. This seemed like genuine sadness. Why would she look like that? I’d never seen that before, and a show of what looked like genuine emotion threw me for a loop.

“What’s wrong mom?” I asked.

“Sarah couldn’t take it,” she said, reaching out to pat my hand again. “I’ll admit I didn’t try to get her to stay or anything, but she was the one who said she couldn’t handle all of this. You in the hospital, being sick, everything.”

“I don’t believe you,” I said. “I don’t believe it. Sarah wouldn’t do that to me. I want to talk to Sarah!”

“Honey, I know we’ve disagreed about things lately, but do you really think I’d lie to you about something like that?”

I didn’t know what to think. I blinked back tears that were threatening to break free. I needed to talk to Sarah in person. Everything would be okay if we could hash things out. I’d let her know that I understood if she had to go live her life and not be here all the time. I’d been so selfish wanting her here with me all the time and now it was too much and she was gone.

I was confused. I was still feeling the effects of whatever they had me on. Everything was confused. Thoughts were flashing through my mind at the speed of molasses and I was having trouble piecing everything together.

And below the panic, below the worry, there was another overriding emotion threatening to overwhelm me. Exhaustion. My body felt ready to give out. This was all too much for me. The disease, the medicine, dealing with my mom.

“Don’t you think it would be best if you focused on your recovery for right now?” mom asked. “Once you’re out of here and back to normal you can go talk to that girl if that’s what you really want. I still think you should give some nice boy a try though. Make sure that’s what you really want.”

I opened my mouth to tell her in no uncertain terms that there wasn’t a chance I was going to be interested in a boy. I’d made my decision when I got with Sarah, but it’s not like Sarah was the only girl for me. Boys didn’t do anything.

It was hard to put words to those thoughts though. Especially when everything was so difficult to say. So instead I rested my head on the pillow and looked up at the ceiling. The lights up there seemed to dance and sparkle. Whatever they gave me, it was playing hell with my vision.

“Sarah wouldn’t abandon me like that,” I whispered.

I wasn’t sure if it even came out. I wasn’t sure if my mom would care if it did come out. It was an affirmation though. I didn’t believe my mom. I refused to believe my mom. Sarah said she would be there for me, and she wouldn’t go back on that promise without telling me about it.

I hoped.

Everything was hazy. Darkness threatened to close in all around me. It was tempting, that darkness. I was also a little afraid. I had a disease that killed people, after all, and when you had something like that there was always the worry in the back of my mind that the next time I closed my eyes would be the last.

That was silly though. The doctors would let me know if things were that bad.

I felt someone move in close to me. My heart leapt. Sarah was here. She’d come after all. I opened my eyes again and turned to look at her and saw my mom staring down at me instead. I frowned. I didn’t want my mom sitting there holding my hand. I wanted Sarah, damn it! Maybe if I thought that hard enough the universe would deliver.

“Come now my love,” mom said. “You don’t need that girl right now. What you really need is your mom to take care of you in your time of need. Doesn’t that sound nice honey?”

What sounded nice was having Sarah next to me making sure everything was okay. Sarah sitting next to me reading one of her books and occasionally laughing about something that I’d never understand because you had to have a bunch of context about old dead people and their writing to get the joke, but I always laughed along because it made her feel good. I wanted Sarah to cuddle up to me in this bed while we watched some cheesy old romance movie.

I didn’t even care that we couldn’t do what we usually did at the end of a cheesy old romance movie with all these wires and whatnot in the way.

Only none of that was happening. I just had my mom here. Lying to me.

I fell back and drifted into the darkness. Darkness that held bad dreams where Sarah shook her head as though she was disappointed in me for some reason and then she turned and walked away. Bad dreams where Sarah was with another girl laughing and having a grand old time because her new girlfriend wasn’t stuck in a hospital bed fighting for her life which was inconvenient for her social life.

Bad dreams where my mom and Sarah got into an argument and my mom threatened to call hospital security. For some reason that one was the most realistic one of all. As though I’d somehow been there and seen all of this and now my mind was replaying it for me over and over again for some reason.

I woke up in a cold sweat several times through the night after one of those dreams, but there was no Sarah. Sometimes dad was there, but mom was always right there beside me either sleeping in her chair or reading a book. I guess they weren’t doing shifts anymore.

I shook my head as I faded back into unconsciousness. Something was going on here, but Sarah would come and see me. I just knew it. Mom was wrong. Mom didn’t understand.

Sarah wouldn’t abandon me. Especially right now.

Part 4: Winter

26: Barred Entry

Sarah:

I paced outside the front of the hospital. People were gathered out here in the nice evening taking in the weather. A little farther out from the entrance there were a few people sneaking smokes, the orange glow from the tips of their cigarettes lighting up the night like cancerous fireflies.

It made me sick. After seeing what Alyssa was going through I couldn’t imagine someone voluntarily doing something that could make them that sick. They just didn’t understand what they were doing to themselves.

I looked up at the hospital. She was up there. Undergoing chemotherapy according to Coach. He’d visited her a couple of times a week since she went into the hospital and he was keeping me up to date now that he’d heard I wasn’t allowed in the room.

He’d even brought it up with Tiffany once, but he told me he nearly got kicked out of the room for daring to breath my name. So much for having him do an intervention.

I needed to be up there. I needed to be with her. I needed to hold her hand and tell her everything was going to be all right. Who was going to reassure her that she still had a spot on the team no matter what?

Well I guess Coach could probably do that, but still. I ached to see her. It had been two weeks now and it was killing me. For some reason she hadn’t even been answering her texts. It was like every message I sent her went into a black hole.

I was pretty sure it was a black hole named Tiffany.

I took a deep breath. I needed to do something. Doing something was why I was here in the first place. I’d gone up to her floor a few times over the past couple of weeks, but her mom was always in there. It seemed the shifts she was taking with Alyssa’s dad weren’t happening anymore.

Well tonight was the night I was going to do something. I was going into that room and damn the consequences. I just hoped Alyssa was awake enough that she could tell me to stay. Otherwise it was going to be a short visit.

I felt like I was a criminal coming into someone’s home to rob them as I walked through the hospital lobby. The security guard at the front desk looked at me and I nearly crapped my pants, but then he smiled and nodded. Of course he would. There was no reason for him to stop me. I was just a college girl visiting the hospital. Nothing wrong with that.

Not yet.

I got more nervous as I hopped onto the elevator and rode up to Alyssa’s floor on the oncology ward. I felt more and more sick to my stomach as I got closer. Not because I was worried about a confrontation, I welcomed that, but because I worried this might not work.

I stepped onto the hall and nodded to the nurse, that pretty blonde, and walked down towards Alyssa’s room. I paused for a moment at the entrance and looked in. She was asleep, damn it. It seemed like she was asleep a lot of the time. At least whenever I walked past. And her mom was right there next to her reading a book just like she always was. A watchful guarding. A gargoyle sitting there making sure no crazy lesbian girlfriends came into the room and stirred up trouble.

Well it was time to stir up some trouble. It had been too long since I saw Alyssa. I ached to hold her hand. I needed to hear her voice, even if it was hazy because of the medicine. Looking at her I could tell that she must be having trouble eating because she looked skinnier than usual in the face.

My poor beautiful Alyssa.

I stepped into the room. Her mom looked up and blinked. It seemed to take a moment for it to register who I was, then her face became a thundercloud of fury. She snapped her book shut and she was up from her chair and across the room faster than I thought a woman of her size could move.

Alyssa’s dad was nowhere to be found. Damn it. I’d hoped he might be able to back me up, but no such luck.

“What the hell are you doing here?” she hissed. At the same time she used her body to block me from moving any further into the room. I thought she wouldn’t be ballsy enough to get close to me, but she bumped right up against me and I stumbled back out of the room.

“I’m going to see Alyssa,” I said.

“Like hell you are! My baby girl has her mother and that’s all she needs! You stay away from her, you hear?”

I glanced up and down the hall hoping that maybe her dad was down at the vending machines and he’d hear the commotion and come running, but he was nowhere to be found. I hoped Alyssa might wake up and hear what was going on and rip her mom a new one like she had a couple of times before, but glancing in the room she sat there peacefully asleep and oblivious to the world.

Whatever they were doing to her must’ve really taken it out of her if she could sleep through this.

Someone appeared at my side. I looked and saw a nurse standing there with a not-so-friendly expression plastered on her face.

“Is there a problem here?”

“Yes there’s a problem,” Alyssa’s mom said. She pointed at me and her finger came to rest squarely on my chest. “This girl tried to sneak into my daughter’s room and she is not welcome. I want her out of here.”

“Please,” I said, pleading with the nurse. “She’s not letting me in to see my girlfriend. You have to let me in there. It’s what she’d want.”

The lady looked like she didn’t like the situation, but her lips thinned out and she looked between the two of us. Sighed.

“I’m sorry, but if she doesn’t want you in there and you’re not family then you’re going to have to leave.”

“That’s right you are!”

I turned and jabbed a finger at Alyssa’s mom. “Alyssa is going to wake up one of these days and ask where I am. You’re going to regret everything you’re doing right now on that day.”

The smile that crept across her face was not pleasant at all. It was so self-satisfied.

“She’s already been awake plenty of times,” she said. “And she thinks you couldn’t handle the pressure. Now get out of here before I have you arrested!”

“Ma’am,” the nurse started to say. “You can’t…”

I didn’t hear anything else the nurse said. I saw red. I was furious. I felt like I’d completely lost control. Hell, I had completely lost control. It was like the world went dark around me and when it came back I had my hands on Tiffany’s shirt and I was trying to push my way into the room while the poor nurse was yelling and holing me back. Meanwhile Tiffany had a look of fear on her face as though she’d realized she’d finally gone too far but still couldn’t believe this was happening.

Push someone far enough…

“Let me see her!” I shouted, not really caring who heard me. I’d reached the breaking point and I wasn’t leaving until I got to see my girlfriend, damn it.

“You’re a whore and you stay away from my daughter!” she shouted back at me. “She’s going through enough without you confusing her!”

It wasn’t long after that before security came and pulled me off of her. Then I had the singularly interesting experience of being dragged down the hall away from Alyssa’s room. They were pulling me away from her. Away from my love. Away from the girl who needed me so much right now.

“You can’t keep me away forever!” I shouted.

Only security could drag me to an elevator. Once we were in there I calmed down a little. Stopped struggling. They kept their hands on my arms to make sure I didn’t try anything, but once the doors to the elevator closed and we were on our way down they relaxed their grip just a little.

“So what happens now?” I asked. “Will the cops be waiting for me or something?”

One of the security guys gave me a sidelong glance. “Care to tell me what was going on there?”

“My girlfriend’s bitch of a mom figured out that she can keep me out of her daughter’s room while her daughter is so hopped up on chemo that she can’t form a coherent thought,” I growled.

“Huh. That seems like a pretty bitchy thing to do,” the other one said.

“You have no idea,” I replied.

“I think under the circumstances we don’t have to call anyone,” the first guard said, winking at me.

I blinked. “You’re serious?”

“As long as this sort of thing doesn’t happen again,” the second one said. “That lady might be a bitch on wheels, but that doesn’t mean we won’t do our jobs if we have to. You’re getting a mulligan on this one.”

I sighed and deflated. Everything that just happened really took it out of me. Getting in a fight with someone was exhausting, even if it was an old lady who didn’t look like she could fight for herself.

I was also exhausted by my circumstances. I’d gone up there and all this had happened and I was still no closer to seeing Alyssa than I’d been before I went up there. It wasn’t fair. I figured if I was going to get in trouble and come close to getting arrested then the least the universe could do was throw me a bone and let me talk to Alyssa for a couple of minutes.

I brushed myself off as I stepped off the elevator and security escorted me over to the door. I paused in front of the rotating doors and turned to each of them.

“Do I really have to go? I could just stay down here and do some homework or something,” I said.

“Nope,” guard number one said. “I’m afraid after that little outburst we are going to have to ask you to leave the facility for the evening.”

“But feel free to come back tomorrow if you want,” guard number two said. “Just make sure you don’t have any situations like what happened back there or you will be meeting with us or some of our coworkers, and they might not go as easy on you as we did.”

I sighed and made my way through the revolving door. Talk about the perfect ending to a perfect evening. Sarcasm very much intended. I guess I could look on the bright side though. I could come back to the hospital tomorrow, and I also wasn’t leaving the place with a criminal record or anything.

That would’ve been a fun one to try and explain to Coach. I could see his face turning bright red right now, and it wasn’t a fun image.

I put my hands in my pockets and walked into the night. I’d be back here tomorrow, though. Tomorrow and every other day until I finally got in to see Alyssa. Until we got all of this cleared up. I was going to make sure she knew I wasn’t abandoning her, and I figured time was on my side. She’d wake up eventually and have a clear enough head to really ask some questions.

At least I hoped she’d be around long enough for that to happen. Damn it. I spent the rest of the walk back to our dorm room blinking tears away and trying not to break down in the middle of campus.

27: Abandoned

Alyssa:

The dream came again. Sarah was trying to get into my room and there was a horrible monster keeping her out. It was big and dark and it had a cruel laugh but it tried to sound so sweet. I shouted out for it to stop and when it turned around the monster was my mom looking down at me with false concern stroking my forehead and telling me that everything was going to be all right. That she’d chased the bad girl away.

I screamed and that scream pulled me back into the waking world of my hospital room where my scream wasn’t a scream so much as a pathetic whimper. It was all I could manage.

It took me a moment to make that transition from the dark and twisted hospital room in my dream to the pristine white hospital room around me. The lights were burning bright overhead and mom was next to me reading a book like she always was. I was so doped up on everything that I could sleep even with the lights on which was something I could never do before.

I regretted waking up. Maybe that’s part of the reason why I spent so much time asleep. While I was asleep I had to deal with the nightmares, but that was nothing like the pain twisting my body. I felt like I’d just gone swimming for the first time in months and my muscles were protesting. My mouth was dry, but thankfully I didn’t have any sores in there.

The doctors warned me that was one of the many unpleasant side effects I could look forward to.

The thing that bothered me the most was the fog that had settled on my brain. It was hard to hold a thought together for more than a few seconds. It was difficult sometimes to tell what was reality and what was part of that nightmarish dream world I seemed to live in ever since starting this damned medicine.

Mom didn’t even put her book down. She hadn’t noticed I was awake. I looked up at the TV. It was playing some old sitcom from the ‘90s that I used to watch as a little girl, but I couldn’t tell someone the name if my life depended on it even though I used to watch it all the time.

Something was missing from the room, too. Someone was missing. My dad wasn’t out there, but that’s not who I was thinking of. It distressed me that I couldn’t think of whoever it was that was so important I felt like they needed to be here but I couldn’t even remember.

I looked over to my mom again. Then it hit me. The monster in the dream. Keeping her out.

“Where’s Sarah?” I croaked.

Mom finally closed her book at the mention of Sarah. She looked up at me and she seemed irritated for some reason. She sighed but then a moment later her face was schooled to that same false concern she’d shown ever since I got admitted to this place. I remembered that brief scowl, though.

It was always there. Always lurking under the surface.

“What are you talking about darling?” she asked. “There’s no Sarah here.”

I frowned. Narrowed my eyes. Yeah, that made sense. There was no Sarah here. Why did I think there should be someone named Sarah? The fog set in again and something about what my mom said seemed wrong. Felt wrong. Sarah was important, even if I hadn’t seen her around.

My mind wandered. I wondered what the swim team was doing right now. I ached to be back in the pool. To be surrounded by the familiar sounds of a bunch of people slicing through the water back and forth. To smell the chlorinated water all around me. To have Sarah smiling at me and encouraging me like she always did.

Sarah. There we were again. Her face rose through that mental fog and I remembered. How could I forget? Why would I forget?

I frowned. Because my mom was trying to make me forget. She was acting as though Sarah didn’t exist. She knew how I was and she was taking advantage of it. I wanted to get angry about that, but it was difficult to summon much of any emotion other than despair over the pain shooting through my body.

Damn it.

“Sarah isn’t here,” I said. “My girlfriend. Stop lying to me mom.”

I pushed down a wave of nausea that washed over me. It wasn’t pleasant, but I was pretty sure it was the medication and not the disgust I felt for my mom in that moment. At least I hoped that was the case. She was still my mother, after all, even if she was acting terribly right now. I’d hate for this to forever ruin our relationship.

Because that seemed to be where we were going.

Mom sighed. She rolled her eyes. Well then. We were going from concern to anger. A classic tactic if there ever was one, and it wasn’t going to work on me now any more than it had in the past few months since I met Sarah and started caring less and less about what my mom thought.

Funny. Most people went through their rebellious teenager phase when they were younger. I guess I was hitting mine at a slightly older age.

“Honey, I already explained all of this to you,” she said in a patient voice that didn’t show any of the anger that had been there moments ago. She was all over the place emotionally today. “Sarah told me that she couldn’t handle it. That she didn’t want to be around you right now while you were going through this. I didn’t want to have to tell you, but you insist on asking about her every time you wake up.”

She sounded almost sorry. Except that never quite reached her eyes. No, her eyes danced with glee at the idea that Sarah wasn’t around to interrupt her ability to mother me and baby me.

“You’re lying,” I said. “I want to see Sarah. I want to see her now. I don’t care how you do it.”

The sadness and commiseration was gone in a flash. Amazing how quickly she could turn that on and off when she wanted to.

“That girl isn’t coming in here, and that’s final. You’re going through enough without dealing with her confusing you,” she said.

I opened my mouth to respond but nothing came out. The only thing confusing me was whatever the hell medicine they had me on. It didn’t feel pleasant. I was still having a hell of a lot of trouble putting two thoughts together and I wasn’t equipped for an argument with my mom.

I was pissed off though. What was she saying? Something about being confused. The medicine was confusing me? Yeah, it sure as hell was confusing me. No, there was something else I was confused about.

Sarah. Right. She thought I was confused because I wanted to date Sarah. I came back into lucidity for a brief moment.

“You’re wrong mom,” I said. “I’m not confused about Sarah. She’s the girl I want in my life, and you can’t stop that.”

“We’ll see about that. The sooner you accept that Sarah girl is wrong for you the better everything will be. Now go back to sleep.”

I couldn’t believe it. I’d summoned up the willpower to stand up to her and it wasn’t going to do me a damn bit of good. Nothing was going to change. Sarah wasn’t going to suddenly magically appear and everything would be all right like we were in some cheesy romance or something.

Damn it. I wished I was living in a cheesy romance. Life would be so much easier.

I fell back against my pillow again. It was so comfortable. The only part of my body that felt comfortable. My stomach felt like it was constantly on the verge of throwing up anything I ate. The rest of my body was so sore. It wasn’t a pleasant place to live, but at least I was still alive.

That was something. As long as I was alive and fighting this there was a chance. I would see Sarah again.

Right now, though? I needed rest. If I was going to beat this then I needed to be rested and in shape. That was how I did everything. Attack it like it was the enemy, whether that enemy was getting my time down or fighting a stupid fucking disease that was doing its best to ruin my life.

“You’re wrong,” I whispered.

“I told you we’ll see about that,” she said. “Either way that girl isn’t coming back here. I told you she’s no good for you.”

Darkness moved in around me and I felt some of the pain going away. That was good. Sleep was good. It was a place where I didn’t have to worry about things.

Only when I fell asleep the nightmares were back. This time it was a very vivid dream about my mom and Sarah fighting with each other and hospital security dragging her away. I kept trying to call out to her, but it was like I couldn’t fight through the fog in my brain long enough to tell them that I wanted her here in the room with me more than I wanted my mom around making me miserable.

Tears ran down my face. I wasn’t sure if it was in the dream or in the real world, but it didn’t really matter. The feeling was there and I wanted this misery to go away. I wanted Sarah back. I knew that meant being awake when she came around, if she was coming around, but I wasn’t strong enough.

No. I would see her again. The nightmare went away and then I was in the grassy area in front of the natatorium with the sun shining down and Sarah’s hand in mine and no pain wanting me to constantly cry.

Yeah, that was a much better dream. I’d stick with that and hope that it was the sort of dream that would come true someday.

28: Sneaking In

Sarah:

I sat in a memorial garden at the center of the hospital reading over “some old book by a bunch of dead guys who were obsessed with sex” as Alyssa would phrase it. I smiled thinking of her opinion of the books I read for class.

I wished I could hear her saying that in person, but I’d have to settle for memories.

I sighed. I’d been reading the same paragraph over and over for the past five minutes and I wasn’t any closer to actually getting the words from the page into my brain. I closed the book with a snap and leaned back on the bench. Looked around at all the flowers on display. The garden was on the roof in a greenhouse so it was nice and toasty warm even though the weather was starting to get cold.

It was peaceful up here. For some reason not many people came up here. Maybe they didn’t know it was here. Maybe they didn’t like going to a memorial garden that had the names of people who’d died at this hospital on a plaque out front.

It was a sobering reminder of what could happen to people when they came to this place. I never liked it when I walked in here. I could see why other people couldn’t handle it.

“Damn it Sarah,” I muttered to myself. “What are you going to do about this?”

I shook my head and rummaged in my book bag. I figured I could pull out my ereader and maybe get in some non-academic reading, but then I thought better of it. I was too distracted to think of much of anything other than Alyssa. I glanced down in the general direction that led to her room and thought about her sitting in there asleep with her mom standing guard like the gargoyle she was.

Damn it. This wasn’t fair! None of it was fair! I let out a frustrated yell. It’s not like anyone was going to hear me. I was the only one up here.

Until I wasn’t.

“Something bothering you?”

I turned at the sound of the familiar voice. A month ago I might’ve smiled to see Hank standing there looking uncertain, but not today. The guy hadn’t done a damn thing to help me get in there to see his daughter. I didn’t owe him anything. I frowned and started digging for my ereader again.

Pretending to look at it would be way better than actually talking with this guy.

“I suppose I deserved that look,” Hank said.

He moved over and sat down next to me. Looked at all the plants and flowers surrounding us, apparently the gardeners had found varieties that bloomed even in the winter if they had the right environment, and sighed.

“You know things haven’t been easy ever since Alyssa got here to the hospital,” he said. “I thought things were bad when I told Tiffany I didn’t want to be with her anymore, but they could get so much worse. Seeing my little girl like that, worrying that Tiffany might try to keep me away from her…”

I glanced up at him and was surprised to see tears moving down his face. He wasn’t sobbing, but it was obvious the idea of being separated from his daughter was tearing him up inside. Not that I thought Tiffany could really do that to him. He was family, after all. He had a trump card he could play that I was never going to have in my deck.

Well, not for a few years at least. Assuming Alyssa made it through this and we stayed together long enough to consider that sort of thing.

“Yeah, I know how you feel. I’ve been living it, you know,” I said. “Did you know she had hospital security escort me out of the place last week?”

Hank sighed. “I heard about that. I couldn’t believe it when she told me. If I’d been there…”

“You wouldn’t have done anything,” I said, some anger finally seeping into my voice. “You know what Alyssa wants and you haven’t done anything to get your ex under control this entire time.”

“What am I supposed to do?” he asked.

I looked at him and I saw something that I hadn’t really noticed before. Defeat. He and Alyssa had lived under the same roof as Tiffany for years and they’d reacted to that completely differently. Alyssa was hopelessly optimistic and nice to everyone around her. Hank, on the other hand, just seemed defeated. Run down. As though years of dealing with his wife for the sake of the kids had taken its toll on him.

I might be upset with the guy, but I could also sympathize with him. The poor bastard. I’d just been dealing with Tiffany for a few months and already I wanted to go crazy. I tried thinking about what it would be like to live with her for years and I couldn’t imagine the horror. The woman was a piece of work that I didn’t want to be around if I could avoid it.

“You’re her parent too, you know,” I said. “She doesn’t have to run the show. I think you got up the courage to leave her, but you haven’t worked up the courage to break free yet.”

Hank turned to me and gave me a funny look. A perplexed look. A look that turned to one of dawning horror as he realized exactly what I was talking about. That I was absolutely correct.

“Damn. That’s pretty harsh,” he said.

I shrugged. “The truth usually is. My harsh truth I’m dealing with right now is I can’t see my girlfriend because her crazy bitch of a mom isn’t letting me near her. It’s like she blames me for her baby getting cancer in the first place. Like I’m giving off lesbian radiation or something that mutated her cells.”

Hank laughed at that. I wasn’t sure how much I meant it to be a joke. It just felt like a depressing reality to me these days. I figured that was better than the pity party he’d been on, though.

“Y’know you’re right,” he said. “She does blame you for confusing our daughter. She thinks that it’s something you tempted her into or something.”

“Yeah? What do you think about that?”

“I think she’s crazy and I’ve told her as much, but people telling her she was crazy was never enough for her to back down.”

“Sounds about right,” I replied. “So what are we going to do about this?”

Hank shook his head. “I don’t know that we’re going to do anything about her hating you. I’m not sure there’s any way around that.”

I sighed. “What’s her problem? Does she have a case of the Jesus or something?”

Hank laughed again. “Nothing like that. Maybe it was something about how she was brought up. Maybe it’s something about the crazy way she looks at the world. Either way, people have never needed a good reason to hate other people for some stupid reason, right? Seems like that’s the thing that makes the world go ‘round sometimes.”

“Well it shouldn’t be,” I replied. “I should be able to go in there and see my girlfriend, damn it.”

Hank reached out and put an arm around me. Before I could react he’d pulled me into a hug. A big fatherly bear hug that was exactly what I needed in that moment. I wasn’t in control of my reactions. All I knew was that suddenly all the pent up frustration and angst that had been building in me ever since all of this started broke free like there was an emotional dam in my mind that finally snapped.

I cried into his shoulder and he cried right back at me. We must’ve been quite a sight. Then again this sort of thing probably happened all the time in this hospital. Especially in the memorial garden.

I’m not sure how long we were blubbering in each other’s arms, but eventually we came down from the pity party. I wiped the tears from my eyes and he did the same. Then he sighed and slapped his hands against his knees.

“Welp. I suppose there’s only one thing for us to do now,” he said.

Hope flared inside me. He sounded determined. He sounded sort of like what Alyssa sounded like when she was about to do something that might be a little stupid and a little awesome all wrapped into one package.

“What’s that?”

He looked at me and grinned. “We’re going to get you into that room.”

“Yeah? What about your ex? Aren’t you worried about her trying to keep you away from Alyssa?”

Hank shrugged. “The way I see it Alyssa is a grown woman now who’s in college. I guess if she wants to see me then she’ll find a way to see me. It’s not like I have to worry about visitation or anything. Besides, I figure being on your side is probably a good long term investment if I want to be a part of my daughter’s life.”

I grinned and leaned in to give him a kiss on the cheek. “Thank you. You have no idea how much I appreciate this. Or how much Alyssa will appreciate it.”

“I suppose we’ll see,” he said.

“So what’s the plan of action? Something tells me Tiffany isn’t going to let me waltz into that room even if I do have you right there beside me. How do we stop her from making a big scene again and having me kicked out? What do we do if Alyssa’s asleep and she can’t tell Tiffany off?”

Hank shook his head. “I haven’t thought of much beyond trying to get you in there in the first place. I figure we take it one step at a time.”

“Okay then, so what’s the first step in that one step at a time?”

I felt giddy all over. I couldn’t believe it. I figured when he came up here we might chat and console each other on how ridiculous it was living in a world where Tiffany came into our personal bubble to ruin things so often. This had gone way better than I ever could’ve hoped for. All I could do now was continue to hope that things went well.

I thought back to those security guys. They’d made it sound like the cops could be called the next time I pulled something like this. I just hoped they wouldn’t bother to do anything if Hank was there telling them that I was welcome in Alyssa’s room. Either way this could end up being one hell of a fight.

“Let’s just get down there on her floor and see what there is to see,” Hank said. “I can’t promise anything, but we’re going to do our best when we get down there.”

I took a deep breath. It was go time. “I guess doing our best is going to have to cut it. Let’s go.”

We stood and left the memorial garden. With a little luck I hoped it would be the last time I ever had to visit that place. It was nice and quiet, but damn was it depressing.

29: Distraction

Alyssa:

I felt like a prisoner in my own stupid hospital room. I had a math book laid out in front of me and I was trying to do some of the work but I couldn’t focus on it. All I could think about was Sarah. I glanced over to the door but of course she wasn’t there. It was just the same old bright aqua color of the hallway that seemed to match the scrubs all the nurses wore.

I sighed.

“Is something wrong? Is that dreadful stuff bothering you?” mom asked. “I don’t understand why you’re bothering with that. It’s not like you’re going to be able to finish any of your classes this semester in your current condition.”

I glanced sharply at her. “Did it ever occur to you that maybe I want to learn this? That maybe this is fun for me? My life isn’t just about swimming, you know. Not that you ever stopped long enough to listen to me.”

Mom sniffed. “Well you won’t need to worry about any of that when you come home for community college. That’s what will be best for you. I don’t like the person you’ve become since you came to this university.”

I put the book down gingerly on my lap. Slamming it down was what I felt like doing, but damn would that hurt considering how tender everything was all over my body. I felt a dread chill wash over me.

“What are you talking about?”

“Well I’m talking about your plans for the future, of course,” mom said. “In your delicate state I can’t see you being out here where you don’t have anyone to take care of you.”

“I have Sarah to take care of me,” I said.

She fixed me with a withering glare. The sort of glare that would’ve had me quieting down pretty darn quick once upon a time, but more and more these days it felt like she had no power over me. Now that glare rolled right over me.

I didn’t care.

“You are not going to stay with that girl. I’m going to send a strongly worded letter to the university for even letting the two of you stay together in the first place, so you can get that out of your head. Trust me, a little bit of time at home and everything will be right as rain.”

“Are you deaf? I’m not going home with you!”

I was raising my voice. This was going to cause a scene. Then again I sort of wanted to call a scene. I was in a place where I didn’t feel like I was looking at the world through a fog, and I wanted to let her know exactly what I thought of what she’d been doing. I just hoped that this was a trend and I could look forward to more days where I was lucid rather than feeling like I was drunk off my ass.

“I don’t know that I like your tone of voice little missy,” she said. “But I’m going to let that slide just this once because of your condition. You’ll feel much better when we’re back home and you can work with the doctors in the hospital there.”

I rolled my eyes. “Those quacks in that small town? No thanks. I don’t need a doctor who’s so far behind the times that they still think whiskey and amputation is a good way to deal with what ails you.”

“Alyssa, you watch your tone!”

We probably would’ve gotten into it even more if not for someone appearing at the door. I looked over to see dad standing there with his arm on the door frame. He looked a little reluctant to even be standing there, and it’s not like I could blame him. If I were anybody else I wouldn’t want to be in the middle of an argument either.

I smiled and gestured for him to come in. He glanced at mother for a moment before stepping inside.

“Feeling better today sport?” he asked.

“A little,” I said. “My body still aches, but I don’t feel like puking up anything I eat so I guess that’s something?”

“Yeah, that is something!”

Dad clapped his hands together and looked around the room again. He seemed really nervous about something. My eyes narrowed. That was the sort of look that he only had when he was trying to pull something over on mom. Somehow she’d never managed to pick up on that obvious tell over the years, but I knew.

Hope flared inside me and I glanced out into the hall. I thought I saw someone hanging out just around the edge of the door. I wanted that person to step forward. I wanted it to be Sarah. Knowing my luck, though, it was probably just a nurse or a doctor.

“What are you doing here?” mom snapped.

I looked over at mom in surprise. I hadn’t heard her talk to dad like that in, well, ever. Sure they’d had their fights or times when they didn’t exactly get along, but she’d never been outright nasty like that. At least not in front of me.

And for a wonder dad actually stood tall. He looked her in the eyes. “I’m here to see my daughter. My daughter who can see me whether you want me in here or not. You’re not going to keep me away.”

I blinked. What was going on here? Keep him away? Why on earth would my mom want to keep my dad away? I was missing something major here. I seemed to be missing a lot of stuff since I came into the hospital.

“Mom, what is he talking about?”

“Your father isn’t supposed to be here when I’m here,” she said in a voice that said that should explain everything.

“Are you crazy? Why wouldn’t he be allowed in here? He’s my dad! Were you keeping him out? Is this what you were doing with Sarah too?”

“Don’t you talk about that girl in front of me!” mom said, raising a warning finger.

“I’ll talk about her if I want! Why are you trying to keep dad away from me?”

“Because he left me!” she snapped.

I blinked. I reeled. I couldn’t believe it. He left her? My dad actually worked up the guts to leave her? It made sense. I was in college now. He really had no reason to hang around. I knew he hadn’t been happy with my mom in quite some time. Everything was coming together finally. I was just glad I didn’t have that stupid cloud keeping me from realizing what was going on around me, otherwise this would be tough to take.

“Go dad,” I finally said when I’d worked through the details. Thinking things through still took me a little longer than it used to.

“What was that?” mom asked.

I looked her square in the eyes. “I said go dad.”

Mom turned to him with a triumphant smile. “Did you hear that? She doesn’t want you in here. Of course my baby wouldn’t want you around after you broke my heart!”

I rolled my eyes and sighed. I finally had the energy to do that. I was so glad I was finally recovering from all this stupid medication they’d been shoving down my throat and in my arm and pretty much everywhere else.

“That’s not what I meant at all mom,” I said. “I was telling him to go. Like good job. I’m proud of him for finally standing up to you.”

Mom wheeled around and glared at me. “Finally standing up to me? Is that how you really feel?”

I figured this was it. This was the big explosion. The big argument between me and mom that had been brewing for quite a while now, but instead she wheeled around on dad and poked a finger in his chest that caused him to take a step back.

“This is all your fault!” she shouted. “I can’t believe you would come in here like this and try to confuse our poor daughter in her delicate state!”

Dad stood firm. “You’re not going to talk to me like that anymore Tiffany,” he said. “We’re not together, and you’re not going to try and keep me from Alyssa anymore. I’m not going to stay away just because you’re in the room. You’re done keeping people out of this room.”

I knew I should’ve focused on the fact that my parents were having a huge argument right in the middle of my hospital room. It seemed that huge arguments in the middle of my hospital room were becoming a regular thing. I knew I should’ve been worried that it seemed like my parents were headed straight for a divorce. It sounded like they’d already separated. But the only thing I could focus on were his words.

She was done keeping people out of my room. Did he know something I didn’t? There was only one person I could think of who my mom would try to keep out, and I didn’t like where this was going.

Mom glanced at me and my eyes narrowed. What had she been up to? She sniffed and turned to dad. “We’re going to have this conversation somewhere more private.”

She glanced towards the door. No doubt she was thinking of the doctors and the nurses out there. They were a little more frosty towards her these days. I got the impression she was on thin ice with the hospital staff for some reason, and I was starting to wonder how many of those bad dreams I had where she was yelling at somebody and trying to kick them out of my room were actually bad dreams and how much of it was her actually throwing people out and me chalking it up to a medicated fever dream because I didn’t think she would actually be that crazy.

I should’ve known better.

Dad, for a surprise, backed down this time. I smiled. That was good that him backing down was the surprise. Especially after he’d spent most of his life letting mom walk all over him. He turned to me and winked when he thought mom couldn’t see, and then he gestured towards the door.

“After you my dear,” he said to my mom in a mocking tone.

“Don’t call me that!” she said.

They walked out with mom stalking out in front of dad. Once more I thought I caught a flicker of movement out there, but I couldn’t be sure. Besides, with everything I was on it’s not like this would be the first time I was seeing things. When dad reached the door he turned and winked at me one final time and disappeared, going the opposite direction from that flicker of movement I kept seeing.

I held my breath. I didn’t dare hope that was actually Sarah, and yet that’s exactly what I was hoping for. I knew with certainty she was out there. That she was going to sneak in here at any moment. And sure enough a moment later I saw a familiar smile peeking around the door and glancing down the hall following the receding argument between mom and dad.

Finally she stepped into the room. Paused for a moment and looked around as though she couldn’t quite believe this was actually happening. I couldn’t believe it was actually happening. It had been so long. I’d missed her so much.

“Hey there,” I said.

“Hey yourself,” Sarah replied.

Sarah rushed around the bed and wrapped me in a huge hug. I felt a little bit of pain from her pressing against my body, but for once I didn’t care. No, I wrapped my arms around her and reveled in feeling her against me once more.

Damn I’d missed this. I missed her smell. Her feel. And as her lips pressed against mine I realized how much I’d missed her taste. I missed everything about Sarah. It had been too damn long. The weeks had run together while they were treating me pretty aggressively, I was constantly going in and out of consciousness, but the one thing more painful than all the medicine and treatments was not having Sarah around to smile. To put her hand on mine. To comfort me in that special way only she could. To say something funny that let me know everything was going to be all right.

And now that emptiness was gone. She here, finally, in front of me in the flesh. It seemed impossible, and yet here she was. I felt like everything was right in the world. It was a good feeling after all the bullshit I’d been dealing with every time I rejoined the waking world.

“What took you so long?” I asked.

Sarah glanced at the door again and rolled her eyes. “You wouldn’t believe what happened while you were sleeping. I actually got escorted out of here by security once for trying to come to your room!”

My eyes went wide. So I was right. Some of those fever dreams hadn’t been fever dreams at all. I’d been witnessing my mom going completely batshit crazy and kicking Sarah out for real. It was hard to believe, and yet here was the evidence right in front of me. Here was Sarah telling me exactly what my mom had done.

I was way more likely to believe Sarah than I was to believe my mom at this point.

I felt a tear trickle down the side of my face. Sarah reached out to wipe it away and I let out a half laugh, half sob.

“What’s wrong Alyssa?” she asked, her voice so soft and quiet.

I didn’t deserve that. She should be furious with me. I was furious with me! “I’m so sorry. I tried to stay awake. I tried to tell her I wanted you in here, but she was always trying to make me forget that you even existed. It was… It was evil.”

Sarah sat down in the chair that had been recently vacated by my mother. She took my hand and gave it a long squeeze.

“It’s okay. I’m here now, and that’s what matters.”

I returned the squeeze. “That is what matters. I promise I’m never going to let something like that happen again. I’m done letting her try to control my life!”

“Don’t worry too much,” Sarah said. “After all, it turns out your dad is a pretty cool guy. He came through in a pinch. You have him to thank for me being in here right now.”

I giggled. That giggle felt good. I think that was the first time I’d giggled since this whole ordeal started. Of course it would be Sarah who finally got me to come out of the depressed shell I’d been in for so very long. I was still in that place a little bit, but now I saw a small ray of sunshine at least. That was something.

It was a hell of a lot better than the place I’d been before.

“Yeah, my dad is pretty cool like that,” I said.

I was so happy. I was so relieved. And yet at the same time I was so furious. I continued squeezing Sarah’s hand until she yelped and tried to pull away. It took a couple of yanks before she finally managed to break free.

“Whoa there,” she said. “It felt like you were about to rip my hand off! Did they put some super serum or something in those drugs they were giving you? Did the radiation give you super powers?”

I smiled sheepishly and a blush came to my face. “Sorry.” Then I stuck my tongue out at her. “And they didn’t give me radiation, smartass.

“Just checking. So you want to tell me what’s wrong that you’re trying to yank my hand off?” Sarah asked.

“I’m just so pissed off about what my mom did to you!”

“You and me both,” Sarah said. “But I’m here now. That’s all that matters.”

“No, that’s not all that matters,” I said.

I felt determination creeping into my voice. I was finally almost entirely me for the first time in a while. They’d been cutting back on the pain medication and I was starting to feel like the real me. That fog that had taken over my brain for so very long wasn’t there anymore. At least it was gone enough that I could string together a thought without getting completely distracted.

“I need to make sure nothing like this happens ever again,” I said. “I need my mom to know that what she tried to do with you is not cool. What she tried to do with my dad is not cool. I’m not going to live with her acting like this. Not anymore!”

“Damn,” Sarah said. “Whatever they did to you in here has changed you.”

I looked at her and frowned. “Is that a bad thing?”

“No, not at all,” Sarah said. “I kind of like this new you who doesn’t take any shit.”

“Good,” I said. “Because if getting a disease that could potentially kill me has taught me anything, it’s that life is short and you need to take care of shit now rather than later.”

I sighed and leaned back against the bed. Having this conversation with Sarah had taken a lot out of me, but there was still so much more to do. And it seemed that the universe wasn’t going to give me time to sit back and relax. No sooner had my head hit the pillow than I heard a familiar voice at the door to my hospital room.

“What is she doing in here?”

I opened my eyes and looked over to my mother. She looked furious. Her face was turning several different shades of red and I thought she might have a stroke right there. I could see a blood vessel pulsing on her forehead.

“I’m sitting here with my girlfriend mother,” I said. “Is there a problem with that?”

“There most certainly is a problem with that!” she shrieked. “I want you to stop holding her hand right now. This is not going to happen. You’re not dating a girl!”

And here we were with the yelling again. I closed my eyes for a moment. I felt the urge to go to sleep. It was so tempting. All I would have to do is close my eyes and sink into unconsciousness and I’d be away from this, but I knew that if I did that then I’d wake up to a world I didn’t care for. A world where my mom got her way and Sarah was gone.

That was a world I didn’t want to wake up to. So I forced my eyes open. Locked them on mother. Stared her down until she looked away, but that didn’t stop her from trying to gain the upper hand.

“I’ll have security…”

I sighed. More of this. Well I wasn’t going to let this happen. It was time to take control. Time to follow dad’s example. It was time to start leading my life. Not the life she wanted for me.

30: Explosive

Alyssa:

I drew on every bit of a strength that I could muster. I forced myself to stare straight at my mother.

“Shut up,” I said.

She blinked. “What did you say?”

“I said you need to shut up mother,” I replied. “You’re done here. You’re done trying to live my life for me. You’re done telling me who I can hang out with and who I can date. You never had that right to begin with.”

“I am your mother,” she said, and she sounded indignant. Furious. But it was an impotent fury. I could see from the fear on her face that she could feel the situation spiraling out of control. Good.

“You are my mother,” I said. “But I’m an adult now. You being my mother doesn’t mean you get to dictate what happens in my life anymore. You never should’ve dictated what happened in my life.”

“I’m only trying to do what’s best for you dear,” mom said. “You just don’t understand. You’re confused by this girl.”

She darted a nasty looks towards Sarah. I sighed and I had to fight the urge to growl at her. I was trying to keep things peaceful. I was trying to keep this from really getting out of control. I didn’t want to get in the middle of a shouting match with my mom. I was going to be calm, rational, and civil.

I was going to be the adult in the room if she couldn’t be.

“I’m not confused mom,” I said. “Sarah is my girlfriend. We’re in love. I’m going to tell everyone at the hospital that she’s allowed to come and visit whenever she wants. You’re never going to be able to keep her from coming into my room ever again.”

“I won’t allow you to do this,” mother said.

I shook my head. “You really don’t get it, do you? It’s not your place to allow or disallow this. It’s happening whether you like it or not.”

Mother’s face screwed up in a look of pure rage. I thought she was on the verge of having a stroke earlier, but that was nothing compared to the pure fury on her face now. She raised a hand and pointed at me. I could sense something big was coming. That was the sort of look that usually only hit when she was about to really fly off the handle. She had a look that was both triumphant and terrifying as she made her next pronouncement.

“I could take you off of our insurance! Then where would you be?”

I stared at her with my mouth hanging open. I knew that she was a piece of work, but I never would have imagined she would stoop that low. That she would threaten to take me off of her insurance. That she would not allow me to get the life-saving medication that I needed.

“Would you really do that?” I asked. “Would you let your own daughter die to satisfy your anger?”

I never got an answer to that question. I suppose it was probably a question that I didn’t even want answered. That she’d even brought it up in the first place was proof enough that she wasn’t someone I wanted in my life. Not right now. Maybe not ever if she couldn’t get over this.

It was sad, but I really meant it when I told Sarah that life was too short. I wasn’t going to let her poison all the relationships around me.

Dad cleared his throat. Everyone in the room turned to look at him.

“Actually, your insurance is maintained through my job baby girl,” he said. “And I have no intention of ever dropping you. What kind of heartless person would even consider doing that to their child?”

His significant glance at mom spoke volumes.

“I only want what’s best for you,” she said in a quiet voice.

“And you think dying is what’s best for me?”

She seemed to deflate completely and utterly at that. All the fight went out of her in a single moment. She shook her head and I could hear the tears coming. Now that anger hadn’t worked, now that bullying us and pushing us around hadn’t worked, it was time for the guilt trip.

She was a piece of work. A source of stress that I didn’t need in my life right now. It broke my heart because I knew, in her own special fucked up way, she really was trying to do what she thought was best for me. The only problem was what was truly best for me and what she wanted were two very different things.

And what was best for me right now was not having her around.

“I think you should go mom. Now.”

She turned and stared in astonishment. “You don’t mean that. I’m your mother!”

“That’s right. You’re my mother and you should have supported me. Instead you made yourself out to be the bad guy here. So now I need you to go. You had your chance, and you blew it.”

Her mouth worked for a moment and then her face hardened. I could see the anger taking over again. I could almost hear the wheels turning in her mind. How she was justifying all of this to herself. Telling herself that none of this was really her fault. That we were all working against her somehow. I shook my head. She could live in her deluded world.

I wasn’t going to let her push that delusional world on me or anyone else around me though.

Finally she turned and stomped out of the room. Dad followed her and then turned back to me and frowned.

“I’m sorry that you had to find out about your mom and I splitting up like that,” he said.

I shook my head and waved a hand. “Don’t feel bad about it. I figured it was going to happen eventually. I’m surprised you waited so long.”

I was surprised at how well I was taking that bit of news. Usually when parents broke up you were supposed to be heartbroken. I knew a couple of friends whose parents had gone through divorce and it had destroyed them. Maybe the fact that I was going through my own mini break up with my mom at the same time that my dad was breaking free made this different. Whatever the reason, I wasn’t nearly as upset as I felt like I should be.

Dad looked between me and Sarah. He smiled and shook his head. “I don’t think you need me in here right now. I’ll be down the hall if you need me. And I’ll make sure to tell all the people at the nurse’s stations that you want Sarah to be able to get in here whenever.”

He stopped for a moment. Looked down. Then, in a quiet voice. “I should’ve done that a long time ago. I’m sorry I didn’t stand up for you when you needed it.”

To my surprise it was Sarah who spoke up.

“You stood up eventually,” she said. “That’s what really matters.”

Dad smiled. “Yeah, I guess that’s true. Thanks.”

He turned and walked out of the room, leaving me alone with Sarah. I reached out and took her hand again. She looked down and cocked an eyebrow.

“I promise I won’t squeeze your hand off this time,” I said.

“Fine, if you promise,” she said.

“You know the crazy thing is this actually means things are going pretty well,” I said.

Sarah shook her head. “How could you possibly say that? Your mom just totally flew off the handle!”

I shrugged. “You have to know my mom. When she flies off the handle like that it’s her last resort before she gives in and accepts whatever it is she was fighting. I’m sure she’ll be back in here soon enough all apologies and trying to get back in my good graces. The question is whether or not I let her in.”

“Your mom is fucking nuts,” Sarah said.

I grinned. “Are you sure you want to stick around now that you’ve seen what my mom can be like? I’d understand if you wanted to run for the hills as fast as you could.”

Sarah grinned and leaned in to kiss me. “Not a chance! I’m with you and that’s that. Even if you do have a crazy mom!”

I leaned back and closed my eyes. Now that everything had finally happened, now that the big explosion had come and went, I felt like I could rest. There wasn’t a chance Sarah was going to be chased away now. Not without me having severe words with my mom. Especially now that I was starting to feel better.

“Can you please tell me about everything that’s been happening in the world?”

“Everything?” Sarah said. “Well there are political people arguing about stuff. There are explosions and wars going on. Everything seems like it’s going to shit but I’m pretty sure that’s just the twenty-four hour news cycle because on the whole things seem pretty peaceful and…”

I held up a hand to stop Sarah.

“Okay, let me clarify. I didn’t need that much detail. What’s been going on in your world? What’s going on with the swim team? Tell me about stuff that I would actually care about. Not stuff that’s happening around the world.”

Sarah blinked. “Oh. Well I suppose things have been going okay. The swim team is doing well, but I can see Coach shaking his head every time an event comes up that you were supposed to be in. I’ve been trying to hold down the fort when it comes to the butterfly, but of course we don’t have you there and you are officially a half second faster than me according to the sectional results so…”

I smiled. It was good to hear about everything that was happening out there. It was good to know that the world was still going on without me out there.

Sure I was still worried about a few things. I was worried that for some reason this treatment wouldn’t work even though the doctors and the nurses were going on about how well I was responding. I was worried that once I got back to school I wouldn’t be able to participate in swimming at the same level I once had and that would run the risk of ruining my scholarship. Even with this new backbone that I’d grown when it came to standing up to my mother I wasn’t sure if I would be able to stand going home and living with her again if the swim scholarship fell through.

Then again I could always go live with my dad if they were split up. That would be nicer than going back to live with the crazy woman.

I could feel sleep coming on again. I didn’t want to go to sleep. I didn’t want to miss a single moment of Sarah going on about everything that I’d missed over the past few weeks. But it was difficult to stay awake. Especially now that I was so happy and content.

And so I drifted off. Only this time when I drifted off I didn’t have the usual nightmares about my mom chasing people away from my room. No, instead I was filled with happy thoughts. Happy images of being back at the pool and jumping in for the first time in a month. Happy thoughts of being with Sarah. Walking through campus hand in hand with her. Smiling and laughing without a care in the world.

Yeah, all of that felt pretty damn good.

“Oh, I almost forgot. I’ve had this on me for a couple of weeks now, and I was starting to think I wouldn’t be able to deliver it.”

I opened my eyes at that. Turned to see that Sarah had a card in her hands. She handed it over to me. It was just your usual get well soon card, but when I opened it I saw it had been signed by everybody on the team. I felt tears coming to my eyes knowing that they cared about me that much. All of them had taken the time to write little notes of encouragement. We’re not talking about just signing their name and the sending it on to the next person.

It made me feel good to know so many people out there had my back. At the very bottom was the most important signature of all. A quick note from Coach that simply said “there’s always a place for you on the team, no matter what.”

Those tears that were threatening broke free. I was a hot mess, but in such a good way. They were very much tears of joy. The first joy I’d felt in a good long while. I had a family with the swim team, and most importantly I had a person who was there for me no matter what. A person who’d weathered the storm of my crazy mother and come through on the other side.

“Are you okay Alyssa?”

I looked at Sarah next to me. I thought about all those people rooting for me on the swim team. I wiped a tear from my eyes.

“Yeah, I’m more than okay,” I said. “Everything’s great, all things considered.”

And for the first time since this whole ordeal had started I realized that I could say that and truly mean it. Everything really was starting to look better. The clouds were parting.

I hoped.

31: Back to Normal?

Sarah:

I stabbed at a bit of lime green jello with my spoon and frowned. Normally I didn’t like the stuff, but this was a hospital cafeteria and if I wanted something with sugar in it for dessert then this was my only option. It even had those gross little marshmallows and fruit bits in it.

Yuck.

“I can’t wait until we’re out of here and back on campus where they have real food,” I said.

“Tell me about it,” Alyssa replied. She was applying a lot of pepper to a mushy bit of white food that looked like it was supposed to be mashed potatoes. Maybe. She spooned some of it and took a bite. Frowned. Then smiled as she forced herself to swallow the obviously nasty stuff.

“On the bright side, at least I can keep this stuff down now. There were a few weeks when it was really touch and go with solid food,” she said.

“I’ll drink to that,” I said.

We held our sodas high. Coach wouldn’t exactly be happy to know I was drinking a sugary soda, but whatever. I didn’t care. Now was a time for celebration. Alyssa was finally out of that damn bed under her own strength and able to move around the hospital. On top of that the doctors were going on about how well she was responding to treatment.

It was starting to look like she was going to be on the part of the bell curve that survived, but we had to take that one day at a time.

“They were saying I might be out of here by next week with a little luck,” Alyssa said. “I so can’t wait for that.”

“Have you heard anything from the university about your classes and all that?”

Alyssa grimaced. “I finally got through to someone whose job is to cut through university bureaucracy and bullshit for cases like mine, so I’m hopeful. We’ll see, though.”

“I guess that’s the best you can hope for,” I said.

“Yup. I’m going to have to really hit it overtime during the summer sessions this year to get caught up though. This is going to be a pain in the ass for a couple of years,” she said.

“Yup, but at least you’re going to be around to deal with that pain in the ass, right?”

I thought back to that memorial garden on the hospital roof. There were so many names on plaques up there. I’d sat back on the bench and stared at them and wondered if I’d be putting up a plaque in memory of Alyssa. I was so glad it wasn’t going to come to that now.

“I just hope things get back to normal with swimming,” she said.

I put my spoon down. That jello was not going to get eaten. I didn’t care that I’d paid a ridiculously inflated hospital price for the stuff. The idea of chomping down on it made my stomach churn.

“Hey, you’re going to be fine,” I said. “So you’ll be out for a couple of months. There are lots of people who take breaks and come back to kick ass. Just means we’re going to have to work you a little harder than usual in the pool. Nothing you aren’t used to, right?”

Alyssa stuck her tongue out at me.

I opened my mouth to do the same when a look on Alyssa’s face brought me up short. I glanced up and frowned. The last person in the world that I wanted to see was making a beeline for us. Tiffany. Great.

The past couple of days since that big blowup in Alyssa’s hospital room had actually been pretty peaceful. Tiffany had made herself very scarce, only passing by outside to look in on Alyssa from time to time. At first I’d thought it was poetic justice that she was the one on the outside looking in, but as time passed I could only think how sad it was that she was stuck out there away from her daughter.

Not that I felt bad for her. I just thought it was sad. She was the one who brought it all on herself, after all. I didn’t think I had it in me to feel sympathy for her after everything she pulled, and I really wasn’t in the mood to deal with her right now. Not when Alyssa was having such a good time.

Tiffany didn’t bother to ask if she was welcome at our table. She pulled up a hard plastic seat an looked between the two of us. There were all sorts of emotions warring on her face in that moment. Anger. Sadness. Despair. It created a mix that was hard to follow. Finally she turned away from me and looked at Alyssa.

“What do you want mom?” Alyssa asked, her voice cold. Oh yeah, this woman had really screwed up. Chances are she was about to screw things up even more. It seemed like she couldn’t open her mouth without pissing someone off.

“I want to say…”

She took a deep breath and there was that same weird interplay of emotions running across her face. She let the deep breath out and forced a smile on her face. A smile that I didn’t trust one bit.

“I wanted to say I’m sorry,” she said.

I blinked. Not what I was expecting. And I still didn’t trust her. Not really.

“You’re sorry?” Alyssa said.

“Yes,” Tiffany replied. “I was having a… difficult time adjusting to the idea of you being interested in a girl on top of all the other stress that was happening.”

She looked at me and for a wonder she didn’t scowl. She also didn’t look too happy that I was sitting there with them, but that was tough shit. I was here and I wasn’t going to magically disappear no matter how much she might want that.

“But if this is what you want then I suppose I can get used to it,” she said.

“You suppose you can get used to it?” Alyssa said, her voice still cold.

Anger flashed on Tiffany’s face again. This really was a woman who had trouble keeping her emotions under control. It worried me that she was still so angry underneath it all.

“Yes,” she said with a sniff. “I don’t agree with it but I can tolerate it.”

Alyssa shook her head and chuckled. “That’s a start, I suppose, but you really still don’t get it.”

“What are you talking about? I told you I could tolerate this!”

“I don’t want someone who tolerates me, mom. I want someone who loves me for who I am. You’re getting there, but you’re not quite there yet.”

“But…”

Alyssa held up a hand. “You kept my girlfriend from me. You lied to her and lied to me and tried to make me think she didn’t exist when you knew I was vulnerable and on medication that made it difficult for me to think straight. You threatened to cut me off of your health insurance and bankrupt me or kill me because you were angry about my life choices, and now you think that coming down here and telling me you can “tolerate” my life choices is going to be enough to wiggle your way back in with me?”

Tiffany and I both stared at Alyssa with our jaws hanging wide open. Damn. I know she’d talked about how this disease made her less tolerant of bullshit, but this was on a whole new level. I agreed with everything she said, but still. I could agree with what she said and still be surprised that she said it.

“But I thought if I tried,” Tiffany said, then stopped.

Alyssa shook her head again. “You are trying, and that’s something. You also did a whole lot of damage over the last month. This isn’t some story where everything gets wrapped up in a neat little bow at the end because that’s how it should be. This is life, and life is messy. We can work on this, but it’s going to take time. A lot of time. And a lot of good behavior from you.”

“Fine, if you’re going to act like a child about this,” Tiffany said.

She pulled her chair away. It made a loud screeching noise on the cafeteria tile. A moment later she was storming off across the cafeteria, every step she took indicating just how annoyed she was that she didn’t magically mend things with her daughter with one apology.

“Do you think she meant a word of what she said?” I asked when she was out of earshot.

Alyssa sighed. “I think she did, in her own way, but that doesn’t change everything she did. One apology isn’t going to fix everything, but I hope we can work on it.”

I made a noncommittal noise that wasn’t exactly agreement and it wasn’t exactly disagreement. I was ambivalent. On the one hand I wouldn’t be sad to never see Tiffany again after everything she pulled, but on the other hand I could understand why it was important for someone to have a good relationship with their parents.

I was going to stay out of it. As long as she couldn’t interfere with me and Alyssa anymore I was okay.

“She’s never apologized like that before in her life, you know. Maybe this is the start of a change for her,” Alyssa said.

“Maybe,” I said. I felt the need for a subject change though. This was all too depressing. “So have you given any thought to what you’re going to do when you get back to school?”

Alyssa grinned. “Well the first thing I’m going to do is head down to the cafeteria in the basement at our dorm and get a big bowl of that twist ice cream they have down there. Please tell me they fixed the machine.”

I blinked. “Honestly? I couldn’t tell you. I only went down there to grab stuff I could microwave when I got to the hospital. I haven’t had much time to check out what they had on offer.”

“Really? You know you didn’t have to spend all that time over here at the hospital. I would’ve understood if you got out there and lived your life.”

I reached across the table and touched her free hand. She smiled and intertwined her fingers with mine. Damn how I’d missed that. I hadn’t realized just how much I missed it until I finally had her back in my life.

“There was no way I was staying away from this place while you were in trouble,” I said. “Even if I couldn’t see you. I wanted to be here for you. I’ll always be here for you.”

Alyssa’s smile turned to a huge grin. I felt a tingle like what I’d gotten back when we first started seeing one another. It felt like I was looking at her for the first time. I loved it when she lit up like that.

“I know,” she said. “And that sort of brings me to the second thing I’m looking forward to when I get back to the dorms.”

I raised an eyebrow. “Oh? And what would that be?”

Alyssa leaned forward and spoke in a low conspiratorial voice. “Well I was thinking it’s been a heck of a long time since I “watched a movie” with you, and after being cooped up in this hospital for so long I suddenly find myself really needing to watch a movie with you, if you know what I mean.”

I shivered. There was another part of me that I’d suppressed because it wasn’t the time or place, but now that Alyssa was talking like this that was a part of me that was coming roaring back. I grinned.

“I think we could arrange that,” I said.

“Good,” Alyssa said. “I think I’m looking forward to that more than anything else right now. It’s going to be so good to be out of here finally!”

“I couldn’t agree more!”

Part 5: Spring

32: Back to School

Alyssa:

I paused outside the natatorium and took a moment to adjust my gym bag. I was afraid to see what my locker looked like after sitting unused for a month and a half, so I’d brought all new stuff to change into for practice.

The last time I was here had been the incident. I could still remember flashes of falling into the pool and people screaming around me and the wail of an ambulance carrying me off to the hospital where I’d spend the next good chunk of my life.

My legs felt a little wobbly thinking about that. I wasn’t sure if it was the stress from the memory or the stress that all that medication and time spent bedridden had pulled on my body. Either way I still felt a little wobbly on my feet from time to time.

It was still a hell of a lot better than that stupid dizziness I used to suffer from though. I promised myself I would never ignore a sign like that again. I might’ve avoided a lot of pain and suffering if I’d just listened to what my body was trying to tell me.

“You ready to do this?” Sarah asked.

I paused in the crisp morning air. It was still dark out and a few stars twinkled through the pink city haze up above. Nothing like the breathtaking star field I got to look up at every morning when I was going into practice back in high school, but it was still nice. At least here at the university I got to see the sun during the winter. Back in high school I was up and at practice before the sun rose and out of evening practice well after it set in the winter.

“I think I’m ready,” I said. “I just hope they’re not too mad at me.”

My breath fogged in front of me. There wasn’t any snow on the ground, but it was still cold. Really cold. Sarah appeared in front of me, her own breath fogging and an irritated look on her face.

“What are you talking about? Why would the team be mad at you?”

I frowned and looked down. “Because I let them down? I lost the race that day, and they were expecting me to come in and be this powerhouse this year and some stupid sickness knocked me out and probably ruined everything for the season.”

Sarah put both hands on my shoulders and stared into my eyes. She even gave me a little shake as she spoke, and her voice was deadly serious. Her face was deadly serious. Everything about her said that she wasn’t putting up with my bullshit.

“You listen to me and you listen to me now,” she said. “You just went through something that would have knocked out someone who wasn’t as strong as you. Everyone in there knows what you’ve been going through and no one in there holds it against you. Now you’re going to go in there with your head held high and you’re going to get in the water and kick ass like you always do. Understand me?”

I blinked. Who was this and what had she done with the normally happy go lucky Sarah who was always smiling and relaxing and cracking a joke? I thought I was supposed to be the serious one these days!

Well if she was going to be the serious one then I was going to crack a joke. I hit her with a mock salute.

“Yes ma’am!” I shouted at the top of my lungs.

That serious expression stayed on her face for another beat and then she was cracking up. Maybe the salute was too much for her?

“Get in there,” she said. “I’m sure they’re all going to be happy to see you.”

I took a deep breath and walked through the doors to the natatorium. I hadn’t let the team down. My swimming career wasn’t over. This was just a road bump and I was going to get over it. Everything was going to be okay. If I kept telling myself that then I almost believed it.

Walking next to Sarah helped. She’d been my guiding light through all of this. My source of strength. I didn’t know what I would’ve done without her.

“This is going to suck,” I said as we approached the lockers. “I used to love hopping in the pool, but if I get in there now it’s going to be like I’m starting for the first time. It’s been a long time since I started for the first time but it sucked so bad!”

“Tough shit,” Sarah said. “You’re getting in there and you’re going to get your ass kicked and you’re going to like it. We have to have you back in top shape so you can keep that scholarship, remember?”

I sighed. “How could I forget?”

“Come on Alyssa,” she said, stopping in front of the locker room door. “It’s not going to be as bad as all that. The doctors gave you a clean bill of health. The only thing holding you back at this point is you. Are you going to let you do that to you?”

I went a little cross-eyed from the convoluted logic of what she’d just said, but she had a point. I did have a clean bill of health. I felt stronger than I had in awhile. Sure I was going to forever live in fear of every sniffle and I’d probably get anxiety attacks every time I felt exhausted because that might mean the cancer was back no matter what the doctors said, but for now I needed to live my life.

“You’re right,” I said.

“Of course I am,” Sarah replied. “That tends to happen a lot, you know.”

I stuck my tongue out. “Get in there. I need to get in that pool and figure out how much I suck these days.”

Sarah rolled her eyes. “You’ve been saying that ever since you got out of the hospital. I guarantee you that even being out of the pool for a month you’re going to kick everyone’s ass in there.”

“We’ll see about that,” I said.

A few minutes later we were out on the pool deck and I paused for a moment to enjoy everything. It was all so familiar and so comforting after so long in that sterile hospital room surrounded by various beeping things that told me whether or not I was about to die or whatever the hell it was they did.

This, though. This felt like home. This had been my home for most of my life even if I’d only been at this particular pool for a couple of months, and one of those months I’d been at the hospital.

I took it all in. The sound of the water echoing on the rafters above. The feel of the humid air against my bare skin. The smell of the chlorinated water drifting up. The sound of voices echoing and people splashing into the water.

Though there wasn’t much splashing into the water at the moment. For a surprise the entire team was gathered down by the starting blocks and they all had huge smiles on their face. Even more surprising was the cake out in front of them that had “Welcome Back Alyssa” printed in huge letters on the front.

They even had balloons and everything to welcome me back.

I turned to Sarah and gave her a long and lingering glance. Not the sort of long and lingering glance I’d given her the night before when we finally had a chance to sit back and relax together in the dorm for the first time in forever either.

“Did you know about this?” I asked.

Sarah held her hands up and her face had such a perfect look of innocence that it was pretty damn obvious she’d been in on this. Hell, she’d probably been the one to plan most of it.

Then everyone started clapping and the girls moved in around me. I didn’t even know most of them that well. We’d chatted before and after practice, but it wasn’t like high school when I was in class with them and we had a chance to get to know each other. But here they were surrounding me and hugging me and telling me how happy they all were that I was back and they were so scared for me.

I felt an overwhelming outpouring of emotion washing over me, and the best part was that after I was done being welcomed back in a way I never could’ve expected there was Coach cutting pieces of cake and handing it out. I walked up to him and he smiled.

“Glad to see you back,” he said. “You look a lot better without all those wires sticking out of you.”

“Thanks,” I said. “I feel a lot better without all those wires sticking out from me.”

Coach held out a plate with a reasonably sized slice of cake on it. Either he was worried about us eating wrong right before practice or he wanted to make sure there was enough to go around. I eyed the cake and raised an eyebrow before looking up to him.

“Aren’t you the one who’s always telling us we need to eat right before and after practice?”

Coach grinned and shrugged. “I figure we can make an exception. Besides, after everything you’ve been through you deserve a little bit of slack.”

Then he really surprised me by coming around the cake and wrapping me in a huge hug. Somehow he managed to do that and continue balancing the cake behind me. He looked down and grinned.

“It really is good to have you back,” he said. He glanced over to Sarah. “Also good to see that things, um, worked out between the two of you. There were more than a few times when she came into my office crying about everything and that’s never been something I was equipped to deal with.”

I blinked. I guess I hadn’t realized just how much of a toll everything was taking on Sarah. I looked over at her. You wouldn’t guess from how she was acting now, smiling and chatting with people on the team since she’d had a month and a half to get to know them better, that she was going through so much just a little while ago. If anything that made me appreciate everything she’d done for me that much more.

That she’d done it all and put on a brave face for me whenever she was in the hospital room was nothing short of amazing. I could think of several ways that I could thank her while we both had some fun too.

As I looked around at everyone, at everything, I felt tears coming to my eyes. Here was somewhere that they took me in and accepted me. They didn’t even give a second glance when Sarah came over and put her arm around me. It was nice to know that I had a support group away from home considering I didn’t have anything like that back home where it was really needed.

That didn’t matter though. Home was where you made it, and I figured if I was looking for new families I couldn’t do much better than this smiling group.

Then of course Coach had to ruin the moment by clapping his hands.

“Okay, party’s over! Time to get in the pool and work off that cake!”

Well I suppose no family could be totally perfect. I’d still take it.

33: Back in the Groove

Sarah:

Alyssa hit the wall and did a flip. Came back down to the other end. I was right next to her the whole way, and we both popped up.

“Ha! I stayed with you the entire time that time!” she said.

I shook my head and pointed to the timer still ticking away in one corner of the pool. It showed that the time we took to go down and back was way slower than what I was capable of. It was way slower than what Alyssa had been capable of when she was at the top of her game, but she was getting better.

She hung her head. “Damn it. You were going easy on me. I told you not to go easy on me!”

“Cut the accusation stuff,” I said. “I know you can go fast when you want to, so go fast or I’m going to continue babying you!”

Her eyes narrowed and she stuck her tongue out at me to let me know she wasn’t too mad. “Fine. We’re going again. At the top.”

I glanced over to the clock. That meant we still had thirty seconds or so of rest. That was another testament to how far she had to go before she made a complete recovery. If this was a real practice rather than us screwing around after practice trying to get her back into shape then we wouldn’t have nearly that much rest.

I glanced over to Coach’s office. I could see him on the other side of the window and he gave me a thumbs up when he realized I was looking at him. I smiled and gave him one too. Despite all her worries Alyssa really was doing great, all things considered. She’d be back in shape in no time.

The clock hit the top. I dove into the water and sliced through. We were swimming sides, freestyle, so I could see and feel Alyssa right beside me as we took off with a burst of energy. Then she slowly started to fall behind. I grunted. I was pushing myself, but she really was giving me a run that would’ve been up to where she was back when she was in top shape. I really had to push it, but in the end I hit the wall about a third of a length ahead of her.

She came up and slapped the water a couple of times. “Damn it! I told you not to go easy on me!”

I shook my head. My breathing was coming hard. I’d already been through regular practice and now I was doing this unofficial practice on top of that. I wasn’t going to tell her that though.

“No joking,” I said. “You kicked my ass on that one. Totally serious.”

She stared at me for a moment and seemed to notice that I was gasping for breath. “You sure?”

“Totally,” I said.

“I did feel a little better that time around. Like I was pushing it,” she said.

“You were. I thought I was going to lose or tie that time around!”

Alyssa sighed and leaned back against the wall. “I’m feeling a lot better about my chances for getting back into shape now,” she said.

“You should be,” I said. “You’re kicking ass already! You’re going to be a force to be reckoned with by next year!”

“I want to be a force to be reckoned with this year,” she muttered.

“You might get there,” I said.

Alyssa looked over to me and smiled. Then she reached out and pulled me towards her. I glanced over to Coach’s office but he wasn’t paying attention at the moment. I wondered if Alyssa forgot that he was over there. Other than him it was just the two of us all alone in the natatorium.

She pulled me right against her and brushed her lips against mine. I started to turn towards the office again but she pulled my head back.

“He’s not watching. Don’t worry,” she said. “Besides, I need to thank you properly for doing this.”

I shrugged. “It’s nothing you wouldn’t do on your end.”

“Yeah, but you’ve always been there pushing me,” she said. “Even when you didn’t know it I was competing against you back in high school. You’re the reason I push myself when I’m feeling down.”

I grinned and leaned in to kiss her again. A fairly chaste kiss, just on the lips, but it still sent electric bolts of pleasure running through me.

“Yeah, well we might not be rivals now but I’m sure as hell going to make sure you’re still pushing yourself! And now you’ve got me right here instead of in the back of your head.”

Alyssa rolled her eyes. “Tell me about it. You’re a slave driver!”

“Maybe I am, but we’re going one more time!”

I dove into the water before she had a chance to react. I would’ve smiled if I wasn’t so busy trying to blow air out of my mouth to keep water from coming in. This was a sport that required a lot of concentration because otherwise you ran the risk of inhaling water which was never fun. I didn’t even look over to see if Alyssa was trying to keep pace with me. I just concentrated on going as fast as I could.

When I came to a stop at the wall I popped up and saw Alyssa was still standing there in the shallows. I blinked.

“You didn’t even try to beat me!”

“Actually I hit the wall about five seconds ago and I was waiting on you,” she said. “Though I thought about not even trying when you did that false start bullshit.”

“You’re serious? You beat me that time? Fair and square?”

“Well you are tired from practice, but yeah. I just wiped the pool with you,” she said with a grin.

I gave her a high five then came in for a hug. “If you’re doing that then you really might be ready for the big leagues soon!”

Alyssa got a funny look in her eyes and moved the short space across the lane to me. She wrapped her arms around me again and this time I felt her other hand going for some territory under the water that was very interesting. I didn’t bother glancing over to Coach’s office this time around. He couldn’t see what was going on under the waterline, after all.

“You’re going to get us in trouble,” I hissed.

“So what say we get out of here and go get into some trouble back in our room?” Alyssa fired back.

I stopped to consider that for a moment. I looked down the length of the pool. What I really should be doing is making sure Alyssa stuck with her practice routine. Sure I wasn’t supposed to be in the pool with her, but Coach didn’t seem to mind.

Then again balanced against that there was all the fun we could have back at the dorm. All the pent up energy that had been waiting to break free ever since she got out of the hospital. I rolled my eyes.

“You’re playing dirty to get out of practice,” I said. “I want you to know that.”

Alyssa leaned in and kissed me. A quick peck on the lips since we were above the water.

“So? You know you love it.”

Someone clearing their throat brought me back to reality. I looked up and saw Coach leaning against the door to his office. He was looking at us and shaking his head.

“I’m fine with the two of you practicing, but if you’re done could you hit the showers so I can go home and see my wife and kids?”

Alyssa blushed, but I’m sure that blush was nothing compared to the scarlet color creeping across my face. We’d been caught. Damn.

“Sorry Coach,” I muttered.

“Yeah, sorry,” Alyssa replied.

We hopped out of the pool and headed for the showers. As we made that walk I watched Alyssa and thought of the strange twists and turns that brought us to this moment. I decided that with all the stuff we’d been through in the few short months we’d been together getting caught in the pool by Coach was probably pretty low on the list of things I had to worry about.

Alyssa reached the locker room and looked over her shoulder. “What’s taking you so long?”

I sped up. I was still about halfway to the locker room, but there was something about the come-hither stare on her face that made me want to pick up the pace.

Yeah, it had been a crazy whirlwind over the past few months, but I wouldn’t change any of it if it meant I had Alyssa all to myself in the here and now. I knew it was possible everything could go to shit again and maybe we wouldn’t be together forever or something, but for now I was looking forward to four years of college and what might come after.

Alyssa’s troubles had taught me the same thing it taught her. Whatever might happen in the future was going to happen, but it was important to live in the now and have a great time. As she practically dragged me towards the showers it seemed like we were about to do a hell of a lot of living in the now.

I couldn’t wait!

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Also by Mia Archer

Novels

The cheerleader and the geek. Five years after graduation they’ll find love in the most unlikely place around a geeky gaming table!

Falling in love wasn’t on Amber’s radar. Especially with another woman. Only life and love don’t have to make sense as she explores a new world with a secretive online lover!

The boss trying to prove herself with a new intern. The intern who’s secretly the CEO’s daughter. A forbidden love that complicates everything. Who said love in the workplace was easy?

Will life in the small town pull a budding relationship apart or bring them closer together than ever before?

Anna and Erin were the best of the best looking for fun in their geeky game of choice, but they’ll discover there’s a thin line between love and competition!

A holiday in the biggest amusement park in the world. A princess hiding her identity and sneaking into the park. A pretty band geek who’s about to get the surprise of her life. What could go wrong?

Claire and Allison are star-crossed lovers who get a second chance at their five year reunion!

Night Terror is the greatest villainess in the world, and she has to find a way to defeat sexy new superhero Fialux. Oh, and she’s totally in love with her new archenemy. What could go wrong?

Novellas

A spacefaring captain on a mission of revenge finds lust and love in the unlikeliest of places out amongst the stars.

1: New Boss

I didn’t intend to start the day questioning my sexuality, but the girl I saw hopping onto the elevator certainly brought my professed heterosexuality into question!

To say she was stunning would be the understatement of the century. Of the millennium. I knew, objectively, that there were beautiful girls in the world. And that was how I’d always thought of pretty girls when I looked at them. Objectively. It was always in a “oh wouldn’t it be nice to look as good as her” mix of admiration and envy. It was never with the sort of eyes that sent a bolt of fire running straight down to the core of my being and made me seriously reconsider everything I’d ever thought about the way the world worked and which way my sexuality leaned.

I mean sure there was the occasional experiment back in college, but who didn’t do that? Experiments were just that: experiments. Not the foundation of a relationship.

But damn. Looking at this girl with her perfect face. Brown hair that spilled down past her shoulders. The sort of body that would make a goddess sit up and take notice. Looking at her was making me want to lay one hell of a foundation, if you catch my drift.

I shook my head. What was I thinking? This was just some random pretty girl making her way through the lobby at my building. It’s not like anything was going to happen. It’s not like I was going to go up and chitchat with the girl or try to get her phone number or anything.

Still, it was nice to dream. Even if it was only for a moment.

Then she disappeared behind an elevator and I was brought back to the boring mundane reality of my existence. People in suits and business appropriate dresses making their way through the lobby to take the elevator to whatever floor they slaved away on at Zeidner Corp. I was up on seven which was pretty low on the totem pole.

And I’d just missed an elevator because I was so busy staring at that pretty young thing who didn’t look like she could even be out of college let alone working here. When I was already running late. I sighed. Christine was not going to be happy.

“Damn it Nicole,” I muttered to myself as I jabbed at the up button on the elevator with perhaps a little more force than was strictly necessary. “Are you never going to get it together?”

A lady standing next to me gave me a funny look, but I ignored it. I didn’t recognize her and it was a big company filling an entire damn skyscraper, so it’s not like she was an immediate concern. No, my immediate concern was being at my cubicle by 7:45am on the dot because, as Christine was so fond of saying to the people she was berating in the morning, “on time is late.” Never mind that the business day wasn’t supposed to start until promptly at eight. What was a little wage theft when they were getting around those pesky laws by making everyone salaried?

I sighed again as the elevator opened to take me up to my own personal daily hell. This definitely wasn’t how I’d imagined life going when I graduated and got a job here five years ago.

The doors swished open on our floor and I quickly made my way to my cubicle. Mercifully Christine’s office was obviously dark. It wasn’t unusual for her to show up anywhere from fifteen minutes to a half hour late, she definitely didn’t hold herself to the same punctual standards that she expected of her employees, but it also wasn’t out of the ordinary for her to show up early just so she could get in some yelling before the work day had actually started.

Either way it looked like I was going to be safe sliding into my chair and powering up my computer. The elevator dinged and I resisted the urge to prairie dog out of my cubicle and see who was coming through. The clicking of heels was more than enough to let me know exactly who it was. I stared with a quite slow-moving panic rising inside me as the ancient computer, nothing but the oldest and cheapest for our department, booted up at a speed that would make a glacier seem positively speedy in comparison.

Finally it booted up and I hit my password and even managed to pull up a spreadsheet before the clicking stopped at my cubicle. I turned around with the biggest smile I could muster on my face, though it was difficult when I got a good look at Christine and her usual morning expression carrying her usual morning cup of coffee that she refilled religiously, making her office smell like a cut-rate coffee house thanks to her bad breath. She had a scowl in her eyes and her lips were puckered up looking like a cat’s asshole.

Not a good look, but then again there really was no such thing as a “good look” when it came to Christine.

“At least you can make it in on time,” she said finally after inspecting my cubicle. I knew exactly what she was doing. Looking for anything that she could use to rain down terror. Sometimes I left some paperwork out overnight just to give her something to yell about, it was a quiet form of protest that wasn’t likely to provoke the sort of reaction that being late would, but I hadn’t had time this morning since I was already running late because I was mooning over some hot young thing who was probably a good five years younger than me anyways if she was still in college.

“Good morning Christine, good to see you too,” I said.

Her scowl deepened, but it’s not like she could do anything about it. Everything I said had been perfectly delivered in a pleasant and cheery tone. Never mind that in my head I was thinking how that phrase meant “go fuck yourself Christine, and I hope you get fired.”

Finally she finished her inspection of my cube and she was moving along. No doubt taking stock of exactly who was already in and who was running a little tardy. If the tardy ones were lucky they’d just get a stern email threatening them. If they were unlucky and Christine was feeling particularly salty this morning then they’d get called into her office to get chewed out which was never a particularly fun experience. I was just glad I’d avoided it for one day.

No, instead I could get directly to work. I fired up the corporate logging software that made sure all our work was accounted for and started pushing numbers around. The facts and figures that made the world go ‘round at ZeidnerCorp weren’t going to generate themselves, and God help us if we didn’t get work done in a timely manner.

A message popped up in the window. I smiled when I saw it was from Amber.

“How’s dragon lady this morning?”

“Off doing her usual inspection of the department looking to see if anyone’s running late,” I said. “I take it you got here on time?”

“You bet I did. Damn she’s such a bitch.”

I shook my head and minimized the chat window as I heard clicking moving towards my cubicle again. I dreaded the day Christine realized that people could hear her coming because of her fondness for heels, but it’s not like I was going to say anything to her either. She moved past, a clicking shark sniffing the water for blood, and I brought the window back up.

“She’s really in a foul mood today. Usually she’s in her office gulping down her coffee and surfing the net by now.”

“Must be something irritating her,” Amber sent back.

I frowned. Something irritating Christine usually meant something was going to be irritating me. Sure enough she came clicking back past my cubicle and I heard her stop at the door. I closed my eyes and did a quick five count before turning to smile at her with the best and most insincere smile I could muster.

“How can I help you Christine?” I asked.

“How is the work coming along on the Johnson merger?” she asked.

“I should have that ready for you by the end of the day today which will give you enough time to look it over before it needs to be turned in,” I said.

When I first started this job I figured that would be enough to get Christine to jump for joy. I’d learned the hard way that it didn’t. From the smile that came to her face, smiles were never pleasant on her face, I knew that I was about to get some of that same feeling. I braced for it.

“Well isn’t that nice? Since you seem to have so much free time you won’t mind going ahead and reviewing some of the numbers for me, will you? Then when you’re done with that I have a couple of other things that are ready to be sent up but need to be reviewed first.”

I bit back a couple of comments that were forming in my head. She was the one who was supposed to give final approval for everything that was done in the department. That was a big part of her job, aside from assigning stuff out which she’d started foisting off on me six months ago. She’d never been this brazen before about trying to get me to run approvals. Damn it.

“Whatever you say, Christine,” I said.

As soon as she was gone I was back at my computer typing furiously, but it wasn’t for any sort of analysis. No, I needed to vent to someone, and Amber was the only person I could vent with even though she was on the other side of the floor. It was set up in a big square with Christine’s big glass office in the center. That glass on all four sides was part of the reason we knew she was in there playing games on social media most of the time instead of actually doing any work.

Lord help us all if she ever decided to actually check the chat logs for her department. Lots of heads would roll that day. Lots more than usual, at least.

An email popped up and I looked over more on instinct than anything else. Answering that ding was almost a Pavlovian response on this floor. If it was from Christine and it was urgent and you didn’t answer it right away then you could be in deep shit.

I sighed when I saw who it was from. Not Christine. It was from someone who should be a shining beacon out of this shithole. A headhunter. The only problem was there was at least one person who’d been canned for responding to a headhunter using their work email. So I deleted it like I always did, might as well have a record of being loyal for the IT people to look at, but not before looking at the email.

It was familiar enough. I’d seen it enough times that it was burned into my head. This lady must not be very good if she was desperate enough to keep pinging people, and on their work email no less, but I’d seen her name and email, Janet Yeager, often enough that it was memorized. I’d even forwarded one of her mails to my personal account in my early days before I knew that was strictly verboten around here.

I sighed. I was sorely tempted to respond today, but no. Better a crappy job than no job, right?

Whatever. I got back into the groove of things and tried not to think about Christine. Of course not thinking about Christine and how unfair it was working under a dragon lady of epic proportions naturally set my mind to thinking about other things, and it seemed that the one thing on my mind more than anything else was that girl I’d seen in the lobby. I wondered what she was doing here. She could’ve been going anywhere. Sure there were young people who worked here, I was still technically in that “young” category even though I’d been with the company for five years since graduating, but there was something about her that kept pushing her to the forefront of my imagination. An imagination that was going to some particularly not safe for work places the more I thought about her.

I was in the middle of thinking about a particularly wild frat party I’d gone to my junior year where I made out with a girl to get the crowd going, though to be honest I’d been a little excited at the excuse to have some fun with a friend who I thought was pretty damn hot. Only in my imagination it wasn’t the girl from my memory I was kissing. It was that girl from the lobby.

Well now that was odd. Not that I was thinking about girls considering my experience. Just odd that it would come up now. Sure I hadn’t exactly dated much, work took care of most of my spare time, and so it felt a little odd that I was suddenly thinking of any sort of dating, let alone dating a girl.

I was pulled out of my reverie by a ding, but not the sort of ding that meant I had a message from Amber or someone else on the floor. No, this was the sort of ding that immediately filled me with a sense of dread because it meant an email, and an email usually meant Christine needed something.

I hated it when Christine needed something. Why couldn’t that girl from the lobby need something? Yeah, I’d love taking care of her needs. Only the hot thoughts of the sort of fun I could have with her if I’d had more than a moment of staring at her dumbfounded from the other side of a closing elevator door were dashed when I saw the message. From Christine.

Damn it.

“In addition to your work on those approvals I’m also going to need you to go over the schedule for the next month and make sure we’re not missing anything,” she said.

I rolled my eyes and this time I let out a small groan. She expected me to do scheduling for her on top of everything else? That was her job, damn it. She was sitting in there playing games and having a grand old time collecting her huge salary and meanwhile I was sitting here doing her job and not getting paid anything extra for it. It was pissing me off. It was enough to make me do something drastic.

Like open my chat window with Amber and shoot off a message complaining. Hey, I wasn’t going to do anything too crazy. Talking back to Christine could be a career limiting move. People still told the story of poor Patrick, a guy who’d given her the finger in the middle of a meeting and walked out after he’d had enough of her bullshit. She’d given him a bad reference even though that was against company policy and the poor guy ended up having to move across the country to get a job considering how tight-knit the community was.

Tight-knit enough that Christine’s counterparts thought she walked on water. Not tight-knit enough that they knew what a raging bitch she could be. Mostly because she kept everybody strictly under her thumb and no one ever got out to spread stories at other companies.

“I can’t believe she’s trying to make you do that bullshit,” Amber said.

“I know, right? I’m already doing her damn job. Isn’t that enough for her?”

“Nothing’s ever going to be enough for her. Remember Patrick?”

I hadn’t actually known Patrick, his epic departure happened well before I started working here, but I thought of him on the regular.

“I have to do something about this, but I’m not sure what,” I said.

“Maybe if you try something other than flipping her the bird in the middle of a meeting?” Amber sent back.

I sighed. She did have a good point, even though something told me this was going to end in disaster even as I flipped back over to my email and started drafting something. The fact was there just wasn’t a chance I was going to be able to take on anything else without working even more ridiculous hours than what I was already being forced to endure. We’re talking the sort of hours you hear about medical interns or young lawyers who think they’re going to make partner pull. Not the sort of hours someone pulls when they’re stuck in a department with no hope of advancement because they’re stuck in a Catch-22 with a boss who will ruin their career whether they work hard or quit.

Damn it. I was starting to get mad. I was starting to feel something I hadn’t felt in awhile. Backbone. Just a little, but it was enough to make me draft a response.

“Christine, I would love to take this on but if you’re going to do that then I’ll have to request that you do the approvals or take some of the other work that you’ve given to me as I won’t be able to do all of it in a timely manner.”

I hit send and immediately regretted it. God that was a stupid move. I found myself wishing we had one of those email systems where you could recall an email as long as it hadn’t been opened yet, but of course that wouldn’t have mattered in this case anyway. No, the response came back almost immediately.

“My office. Now.”

A feeling of dread came over me as I stood and made my way towards the giant glass ice cube in the center of the floor. I suppose whoever designed the damn thing thought it was supposed to look all cool and modern, but for everyone who worked here it had become a symbol of the constant terror that was this department.

I sighed as I opened the door. I thought I might make it through a morning without yelling at her. Not for the first time I thought back to a voicemail I got a couple of weeks ago from a head hunter asking if I was interested in other opportunities in the area. I hadn’t responded because I knew Christine would torpedo any chance I had with another department as soon as they called to verify employment.

“Glad you could make it Nicole,” she said. “I was worried you wouldn’t have time to talk with me what with your busy schedule and everything.”

“What do you want Christine?” I asked. Surprisingly there was some heat to my voice. She arched an eyebrow but didn’t say anything. I kept waiting for the explosion, but nothing. What was going on here? This was nothing like the Christine I thought I knew. The one who was the terror of the seventh floor. If anything that had me more worried than usual. A mellow Christine was a plotting Christine, and I didn’t like the idea of being the one in her cross hairs while she was plotting.

“I think I’ve found an assignment that is worthy of your time. Something that a busy person like you could really appreciate, and it might help take some of that load off,” Christine said.

“Oh?” I said, trying my best to keep my voice neutral. This seemed too good to be true. Too good to be true was usually exactly that where Christine was concerned.

“Of course! I wouldn’t want to overwork my best asset, now would I? Corporate just told me we’re going to be getting a new intern. Getting ready for their last year of college. I’m sure you’ll be able to show them the ropes and find time to do everything else on your plate, right?”

I squeezed my eyes shut. Sure enough here was the other foot dropping right down on top of me and making me completely miserable. A new intern? Sure in a perfect world that would mean I had someone to help me out with everything, someone to give some extra work to, but the reality was that training someone who knew absolutely nothing about our systems, bringing them up to speed, and trying to keep an eye out for mistakes would easily eat up more time than it would take me to just do the damn work myself.

Something about the smile on Christine’s face told me she knew that.

I gave the door a jolly good slam on my way out. Some of the glass rattled and I even saw a couple of people popping their heads up over their cubicle walls which was usually something to be avoided at all cost. It wasn’t safe to draw undue attention to yourself working in this department. It was just my bad luck that I seemed to draw all the attention just because I could get things done on time.

I headed back to my cubicle. It was going to be a long day, and there wasn’t a chance in hell I was getting done by five at this rate. There was already too much I had to do, and if I had to start training some idiot business major in how our system worked and get everything going tomorrow then I wanted to make sure I had as much of a head start as possible.

Oddly enough as I got to work I thought about that girl one final time. It really was a pity I didn’t get her name or number or something, as inappropriate as that would be. Then again it’s not like I was going to have any time for a social life for the near future if things kept going the way they were.

I was trapped. I needed a change. I just didn’t know how the hell I was going to pull that off.

2: Family Tradition

I sighed as I moved through the massive rotating door into the lobby. I tried to think of a time when I was actually happy to be stepping into this building. Maybe when I was younger. Like, really young. Before the accident. Before dad withdrew from the world while at the same time seeming to think that the weight of the world was now on my shoulders because I suddenly became the only heir to the Zeidner name.

I felt terrible for thinking that was worst than losing my mom and older brother in one fell swoop thanks to a private jet with a malfunctioning phalange, or whatever the hell it was. I wasn’t an aircraft mechanic. I wasn’t going anywhere near anything that flew higher than five feet, for that matter.

Yeah, maybe I’d felt good about coming in here when I was a little girl going to see daddy at work. He’d been all smiles then. These days going to see daddy at work was a chore, though. It meant that I was going to feel that weight of the world, of ZeidnerCorp, settling on my shoulders again. One nice thing about going off to college was that I could just be me for a little while and forget about everything that was waiting for me when I graduated and got out of school. Even the summers used to be a fun distraction from the bullshit, but now with this stupid internship I had a feeling the real world was about to come crashing down around the perfect college bubble I’d built for myself in a major way.

Damn.

There was a reception desk at the front with a guard, but I didn’t bother to stop there. Sure I was supposed to act just like a regular intern showing up at the building, though that was a little ridiculous considering I was going to be interviewing with the owner of the company rather than some middle manager. Not to mention that the internship was a shoe-in considering my name was on the building and I stood to inherit it when the old man finally kicked it.

I jabbed at the button on the elevator with perhaps a little more force than was strictly necessary, but it’s not like the elevator was going to feel it and I needed something to take my anger out on. I knew it was ridiculous to pull the poor little rich girl routine, but at the same time I couldn’t really help myself. Sure I actually liked all this business stuff, I was my father’s daughter after all, but at the same time it galled that no one had ever bothered to ask me what I wanted to do. No one ever checked in to see if I really wanted to take over rather than just taking my inheritance and doing what I wanted. It was always assumed that I was going to be the good little scion.

The elevator doors opened and I stepped in. Hit the button for the top floor, but it didn’t light up. Whoops. I always forgot that I needed my card to get up there. A guy wearing a cheap suit who had “middle management” written all over him stepped in right behind me and chuckled before I had a chance to bust out the card. I turned in time to see him look me up and down in a way that really annoyed me and impressed me at the same time with the way he was able to combine a dirty old man looking at a young woman with someone who thought they knew the ropes at this company laughing at the young girl obviously making a mistake.

“You need special access to get up there honey,” he said, and I bristled at his tone of voice and comparing me to bee vomit. Whoever he was, he had casually condescending down to an art form. “Are you here for intern interviews? If so they’re doing those on twenty.”

“No, I’m actually here for a meeting with Mr. Zeidner,” I said, fixing him with my sweetest smile that definitely didn’t match the cool tone. I pulled out my key fob and tapped it against the elevator controls. They beeped and I hit the button, enjoying the surprised look on the guy’s face.

I turned back to the elevator doors and my breath caught. There was a girl standing on the other side of those doors and she had me feeling weak in the knees. She looked about my age, or maybe a few years older. I wondered if she was here for the internship program or if she worked somewhere in the tower. I wouldn’t mind working under her, if you catch my drift, though that would probably annoy the man to no end. Not because it was with a woman, that was something he’d been surprisingly fine with when I finally worked up the guts to tell him, but because she worked somewhere in the tower.

He wasn’t a big fan of interoffice romance between the owner and the help unless we were talking about one of his secretaries. And unfortunately being the future owner didn’t grant me any leeway when it came to that sort of thing.

Still, this girl was nice to look at. Blonde hair cut short enough that it had me wondering if she might swing my way. A gorgeous face with blue eyes I could lose myself in. She was wearing a work outfit that looked like it wouldn’t be out of place on a runway somewhere, and the way she filled out that button down shirt and the skirt underneath that went just down to her knees and the edge of the corporate dress code policy for that sort of thing had me wanting to unbutton that shirt and see what happened as I was running my hand up her legs and…

I shook my head. I shouldn’t be thinking things like that. Not when what I should be doing is steeling myself for doing battle with the old man. Still, that girl was just so fucking gorgeous. She had a casual beauty that said she didn’t even realize how hot she was, and I fucking loved that. I wanted to pull her into the elevator with me and kick old condescending cheap suit with his bad cologne out so we could have a little fun.

I moved back up her body one final time and my heart skipped a beat. She was staring at me. Pretty fucking intently. That was the kind of look that made it absolutely clear she was interested. And then the elevator doors were closing and I sighed.

It probably wasn’t to be anyways. Someone working somewhere in the building dating the heir to the company fortune? Even if I did manage to figure out where she worked there was a good chance she wasn’t into girls despite the way she’d been staring at me so intently that I thought my clothes were about to catch fire. And of course there was the old man’s hypocritical rule about dipping your wick in the company ink, even though I didn’t technically have a wick to dip.

“So how did you manage to get that access anyways? Are you one of the old man’s new secretaries?” cheap suit asked.

The guy reached into his pocket and handed me a card with a smile on his face that managed to be at the same time smarmy, condescending, and more than a little sleazy. It was a wonder that a man could fit that much snaky charm into one look, but I dutifully took his card even as I couldn’t believe he was talking to me like this! Then again it’s not like he probably knew who I was. It’s not like I’d spent much time at the tower since I was a little kid, and the company was big enough that I could walk these halls mostly anonymously.

“If so maybe you could stop by my office when he’s done with you. He gets tired of his secretaries pretty fast, you know, and I’d be happy to see how well you take dictation. Maybe give you some more long-term career prospects as long as my wife doesn’t find out.”

He chuckled at his own joke and winked at me. He actually winked! My mouth was hanging open. I couldn’t believe someone like that was actually working here. I couldn’t believe he was talking to me like that! If this was par for the course at the company then there was definitely going to be some house cleaning when I eventually worked my way up, and there was no doubt in my mind that I was going to work my way up. It was fucked up, but as much as I hated the way the old man was hard on me, at the same time I always saw that as a challenge to live up to. This building would be mine someday, and not just because I’d inherited it. Because I’d earned it.

Also because it was my last name on the outside, but you get the point.

“Actually my name is Erica. Zeidner. And I was going up to have a meeting with my father before I start an internship here at the company tomorrow,” I said.

The way the look froze on that guy’s face was well worth having him hit on me in that clumsy and disgusting manner in the first place. It was obvious he was seeing the end of his career flashing in front of him as he stared down at him. As I smiled up at him with my best syrupy sweet smile. I held up his card as the door opened on his floor.

“And thank you so much for giving me your card! It’s going to be so helpful when I tell my dad all about the nice things you said about him.”

The guy eyed the card for a moment and it was clear he was debating whether or not it was worth it to try and snatch it out of my hands. Not like it mattered. I’d already memorized all the pertinent details just in case he tried something like that. Instead his shoulders slumped and he stepped off the elevator. He turned to stare as the doors closed.

“Have a great day sir!” I said just before his face disappeared behind the doors.

I let out a sigh of relief and fell back against the wall giggling. I had to admit that had been fun. It was too bad the old man wasn’t going to give me an undercover assignment so I could do more stuff like that. Really get in and figure out how things in the company worked from the bottom up. Maybe root out some managers who’d gotten a little too complacent in their petty positions of power.

No, I figured I could look forward to a job up in administration on the top floor. I really would be nothing more than a glorified secretary, learning how board meetings worked by sitting in on them with the old man and making sure I soaked up all the things he’d learned over the years. Though I definitely didn’t have to worry about some of the other things that his secretaries did.

The door opened onto the top floor and I made my way to his office, squaring my shoulders and preparing for battle as I breezed past his latest secretary, some pretty little blonde thing that reminded me of the girl I’d seen down below, though of course this one would be into the gentlemen if she was working for dear old dad. She raised her hand as though to stop me but I ignored her. The less I thought of the string of mistresses he’d had since the accident the better.

“So glad you decided to join us,” dad said as I stepped into his office, an expansive room that made up a good portion of the top floor with a large floor to ceiling window that looked out over the city. Off to one side was an equally massive conference room with the same view that was separated from his office. Right now the glass was clear, but I knew it could frost over at the flip of a switch to give them privacy.

Amazing the little technical marvels people came up with.

I glanced down at my watch and grimaced. I was only five minutes late, and it’s not like he was one to talk about being late anyways. He’d famously shown up to my graduation thirty minutes after I walked onto the stage, and I’d heard it was the same with meetings here.

“I’m just learning from the best,” I said.

“Oh?”

“Yeah, I figure around here everyone waits for the owner, right?”

Dad blinked and then a huge smile split his face. Now that was interesting. He hadn’t done much smiling since the accident a few years ago. He held up a finger and wagged it in the air.

“You’re already learning. I like that. But remember that only works if you’re meeting with someone who’s lower on the totem pole than you, and I’m as high on the totem pole as you can get these days.”

I sighed and took a seat. “Right. So what’s going on with this internship anyways? Am I going to be licking stamps with Barbie out there, or are you actually going to let me put my degree to use?”

“Is that what you want to do?”

I paused and thought about that for a moment, wondering if this was a trap or something. Ultimately I shrugged and decided I might as well be honest.

“Not really. I’d rather be in the trenches. I just had an interesting encounter on the elevator with a gentleman who thought I was going up to be your latest secretarial sacrifice, and he said some things that he’d never say to the owner’s daughter. Makes me think interesting things could happen if I was out in the wild where no one knew who I was.”

Dad cocked an eyebrow. “Now that’s interesting. Did you get his name?”

“Even better,” I said. I dug into my shirt pocket and pulled out the card. Slid it across the table. “He basically propositioned me in the elevator. He’s a walking sexual harassment lawsuit waiting to happen.”

Dad pocketed the card and turned back to me, suddenly serious. “I’m going to be honest. When you were coming in this morning I had to potential internships ready to go. One was licking stamps and one was really getting into the weeds and seeing how the company works.”

“I’ll take the weeds, please,” I said.

Dad smiled and pulled out a manila envelope that he slid across the table. I picked it up, ripped it open, and dumped the contents out on his desk. The thing that most drew my attention was the name badge. It had the ZeidnerCorp logo on it, and a picture of me that he’d gotten from somewhere, but that wasn’t my name. At least it wasn’t my last name.

“Erica Smith? That’s the best you could come up with?”

He shrugged. “I figured it’s be easier if you only had to deal with one name change. Are you sure you want to do this? You’re going to be treated no different than a regular intern, but I expect you to keep your eyes open.”

“Open for what?”

“I’m not sure. If I knew then I wouldn’t be sending you out into the world to look at things with a fresh set of eyes, would I?”

“Fair enough,” I said. I picked up the badge and looked down at it. Erica Smith. This was going to be interesting, to say the least. “So where am I going to be doing my undercover boss routine?”

“I was thinking we’d start you in Statistical and Data Analysis,” he said. “Seems like that would be right up your alley. They’re down on seven. I have a feeling posting you there will be interesting, at least.”

I locked eyes with him and suddenly wondered what he was up to. What I was getting myself into. Usually when he said things were getting interesting that meant nothing good, but it’s not like I was going to find out unless I went down there and threw myself to the wolves. Besides, if he thought this was “interesting” then I figured it would be the perfect opportunity to get out there and prove myself.

“Fine, I can do interesting,” I said. I stood, but he held out a hand that stopped me in my tracks and I sat back down. It was like he was using the Force to move me around with his hand waves. “Something else?”

“You might be going down there as Erica Smith, but you need to remember that you’re Erica Zeidner,” he said.

I rolled my eyes and suppressed a sigh. I was starting to hope we might go the entire meeting without launching into this, but apparently I’d hoped in vain. His own eyes narrowed at my eye roll but he didn’t say anything. That brief scowl was more than enough to get the message across. Supposedly that scowl was enough to liquify the bowels of unsuspecting junior executives, but I’d seen it often enough that it didn’t bother me.

Much.

“You’re representing the Zeidner name out there. That means no wild partying. No carrying on. I don’t want a repeat of some of the things Lilith has been telling me about from your school,” he said.

“I told you not to have her following me around anymore,” I said.

“And I told you that I’m not going to have my only daughter who also happens to be a tempting target since she’s the daughter of a billionaire, out there completely unprotected.”

“The only reason you have her following me is so you can keep tabs on me and make sure I’m not besmirching the family name,” I hissed. Damn. That was more anger than I usually let creep into my voice when I was talking to the old man, but this happened to be an issue I felt very strongly about. I hated that he had that dark-haired harpy following me around everywhere keeping tabs on what I did. It was ridiculously hard to get laid when there was some creepy older lady following you around, though she’d never gone so far as trying to get into my apartment or anything.

Though there were times when I wondered if she ever slept. The woman was like a vampire with the hours she kept. Had just about the same complexion and personality as a vampire as well, come to think of it.

It was a pity that we were getting into this now. Things had been going so well. When he opened with the smiles and it seemed we were on the same page with regards to where I’d be posted in the company I almost thought we were sharing something close to a father/daughter moment.

Of course it would all turn out to be so much bullshit. I stood again, not bothering to listen as he droned on about how he expected me to comport myself as the daughter of the owner of the company and the granddaughter of the founder. I’d heard this lecture so many times before that I could recite it in my sleep.

“Right, this has been fun, but I have to get ready if I’m going to be starting the job tomorrow.”

To his credit he at least stopped the lecture and grinned. He knew when he was pontificating, it was one of the things he did best, and he was usually pretty good about stopping when I called him on it.

“Right. Well just remember who you are, and best of luck to you in the new internship.”

Best of luck in the new internship. An internship where I was Erica Smith, anonymous college girl looking to make her way in the world and not Erica Zeidner, billionaire heiress who had whatever she wanted. Though at the end of the day I’d be going back to my penthouse apartment and takeout from some of the best restaurants in town rather than back to a hole in the wall apartment and the best ramen that could be bought in this city on the meager amount of money they gave interns.

Still, it felt like this was going to be fun. I could finally get a chance to be me, truly me, and not the last name. I was surprised at how excited I was at starting this new gig tomorrow.

And as I made my way back down to the lobby I found myself thinking about that girl again. I’d only seen her for a brief moment on the other side of the elevator doors, but what a compelling brief moment. I wondered where she worked and if maybe I’d see her in the course of my time as an intern. It didn’t seem likely given how big the building and the company were, but a girl could dream.

3: First Day

The doors opened on the seventh floor and I smiled, readying myself for another glorious day in paradise. Sarcasm definitely fully intended. Still, I had a job to do. Even if I’d barely gotten home before midnight the day before because I was working so late trying to take care of that job.

I figured I needed to be happy and chipper for the new recruit, whoever he or she ended up being. I glanced at my watch. It was twenty ‘til. Plenty of time for me to sit at my desk and have a moment to myself before Christine arrived. Besides, I figured it would be a little while before the intern showed up. It’s not like whoever it was had any way of knowing the unofficial attendance policy on the seventh floor.

I stepped into my cubicle and managed to suppress a shudder at the familiar surroundings. My ancient computer in one corner with the monitor situated so it could easily be seen by someone walking past, a requirement from Christine because she wanted to make sure no one was screwing around. Not that anyone could screw around on the computer if they wanted to considering all games and access to any website that wasn’t strictly work related was strictly restricted.

There was one major difference to the usual soul-sucking decor in my cubicle. A girl. Sitting in my chair. I raised an eyebrow. What the hell was this? I cleared my throat and the girl whirled around. Immediately anything I was about to say caught in my throat because holy shit, it was her. It was the girl from the elevator yesterday who had me in a funk all day long because my thoughts kept drifting to her.

Thoughts and daydreams were about the only thing Christine couldn’t strictly control on the seventh floor, and so I spent a lot of time doing that when I wasn’t in a mood to work. That had been another big part of the reason why I didn’t get done until close to midnight.

The girl seemed just as surprised to see me. I suppose that was a good sign. I wasn’t the only one looking like a complete idiot, at least. Her eyes ran up and down my body and for some reason that look felt more intimate, more sensual, than any lover’s caress I’d ever felt. That was the kind of look that made me feel like I needed a cigarette when she was done. Fuck!

“You!” we both said at the same time.

I blinked. Of course I recognized her, but it didn’t seem like she would have any particular reason to remember me. We’d just had that brief moment in front of the elevator, after all, and it’s not like I was anything special to look at. Definitely nothing compared to the runway model meets business attire goddess who was sitting in my chair.

“I’m sorry, but can I help you? Are you starting on this floor?”

“You could say that,” the girl said. She held her hand out. “I’m Erica. Your new intern!”

I took her hand in a daze, and it didn’t help that taking her hand sent an electric fire dancing from my fingers down to the rest of my body, particularly to between my legs where that electric fire turned into a raging atomic maelstrom of arousal. Fuck! If this girl was my new intern and this is how I reacted to seeing her then we were in for a bit of trouble. Briefly I thought about asking Christine to reassign her to someone, anyone, but of course I wasn’t going to do anything of the sort.

For one I didn’t think that would end well at all. Christine thought she was punishing me by giving me this intern, though I guess the joke was on her since giving me this intern was going to be anything but a punishment. It was sure to be absolute torture every moment I had to be working close with her given how I’d already reacted to her presence, but it wasn’t going to be anything close to punishment.

Secondly, and more importantly, I had no intention of letting this girl get away from me. No, that reaction yesterday in front of the elevator was telling me something, and I felt like her showing up in my cubicle like this today was the universe trying to tell me something. What it was I wasn’t sure, but I was going to roll with this and see what happened.

“I’m Nicole, a definite pleasure to meet you Erica,” I said.

Erica glanced back at my chair. “Sorry for taking your butt rest there. My marching orders said I was supposed to be working with Christine, but then when I got down here this morning there was a note on her door saying I should come looking for you?”

I sighed and rolled my eyes. That got a raised eyebrow from this Erica girl. I made a quick decision in that moment. I wasn’t going to be dishonest with this girl. Not completely, at least. I figured if she was going to work here then she should probably know enough to tread lightly around Christine.

“Sorry,” I said. “Christine has a habit of pushing her work off on me. That’s how I inherited you. Though it’s not a problem at all!”

I hastened to add that last part after an odd look came across her face. The last thing I wanted was for the poor girl to think there were two people in this office who thought she was a burden to be foisted off on someone else. I’d be crushed if I felt like I wasn’t wanted when I went to my first internship, and I was not going to do that to this girl.

“Well this looks like it’s going to be an interesting experience,” Erica said. Then she shifted gears, or at least she tried shifting gears without realizing she was just moving on to a different version of the same problem. All fucked up roads led back to Christine’s dictatorial management style on floor seven. “So what brings you in this early anyways? I got in early to impress the new boss, but what’s your excuse?”

I sighed again and glanced at my watch. “I suppose you should know this as well. If you’re not here on time then you’re late, and Christine considers “on time” to be fifteen minutes before you’re supposed to be here. Not sure if that will hold true for you as well, but it’s probably better if you don’t find out.”

“Damn,” Erica said. “This Christine really sounds like a dragon lady.”

“You have no idea,” I said. Then my eyes went wide. I heard the elevator door opening followed by the telltale click-clicking of Christine’s high heels making their way across the tile floor. My eyes went wide and it was obvious from the look on Erica’s face that she could tell something was up. I hated that I was looking so worried in front of her like that, but I couldn’t help it. I just hoped Christine was in a good mood this morning, because I really didn’t want this poor girl to have to put up with her bullshit on the first day in.

“That her?” Erica asked.

I nodded and turned to face the door to my cubicle. Christine appeared, and my jaw very nearly dropped. I found myself wondering who this woman was and what she’d done with the sour faced bitch who usually ruled floor seven with an iron fist.

The woman standing before us couldn’t have been any different from the usual Christine. She had the same bun, the same clothes that didn’t fit quite as well as they used to, the same makeup that was way overdone, but there was one huge difference. The scowl that was usually on her eyes was gone and the puckered expression that bore so much resemblance to a cat’s asshole plastered on the front of her face was gone, replaced by a wide smile.

I wondered if the pod people invasion had finally started and Christine was the first one they got. That made more sense than the idea that she had suddenly decided to grow a heart and act like a genuine human with real emotions.

“Good morning Nicole! Wonderful to see you!” she said, positively beaming. I was immediately on guard. Her acting nice in front of the intern was an explanation I could almost understand. Maybe she wanted to make a good impression or something. Her being nice to me, though? Particularly after that incident yesterday where I actually dared to show some backbone? Well that was way out there.

“Um, good morning?” I managed to stammer, and for a moment I saw a flash of something. A flash of the old Christine everyone on this floor knew and hated. It was a flash of irritation that was almost comforting because it was familiar, because it meant that I wasn’t going crazy and I hadn’t inexplicably stepped into a parallel mirror universe where Christine’s evil twin was the nice one.

Still, it was disheartening at the same time. The old Christine was still there. Lurking under the surface. Waiting.

She turned to inspect Erica for a moment, though it wasn’t the kind of inspection we’d shared. No, she was staring intently, almost as though she was searching for something. I didn’t know what it was or if she found what she was looking for, but no sooner had her eyes returned to Erica’s face than she was stepping forward with her arms outstretched for a hug! I watched in stunned silence as she wrapped Erica up in a hug.

“And you must be our new intern Erica!” she positively beamed. “I can’t tell you how happy I am to have the opportunity to work with you!”

The opportunity to work with her? Wait a minute. Did that mean she was going to pull the new intern away from me? Damn it. Yesterday I would’ve jumped for joy at the possibility, but today, now that I knew who she was, it was the last thing that I wanted. It was a selfish, jealous desire, but I wanted Erica all to myself! I definitely didn’t want to share her with Christine. That would be throwing her to the wolves.

“Actually I’d already been working through assignments for Erica, and so you don’t have to…”

Christine’s hand went up in an obvious silencing motion, but I plowed right on. I wasn’t going to go down without a fight even as I thought how ridiculous it was that I’d showed backbone twice in as many days. That was usually the sort of behavior that got someone fired. I was starting to wonder if maybe I did enough work for her that she couldn’t afford to fire me, but I also knew that was a dangerous line of thinking.

No one was irreplaceable in this department. People who started thinking like that usually learned the hard way that it couldn’t be farther from the truth.

“And I was planning tours of the floor and the facility, really let her dig in and see how things work around here. I know you didn’t have much…”

This time Christine actually turned to fix me with a glare. A glare that Erica wouldn’t be able to see from where she was standing, I might add. Clever how Christine managed to pull that off. What the hell was her reasoning for suddenly acting all nice like this? Why did she care what a simple intern cared about her?

“Since you can’t understand a gesture I’m going to ask you to please shut up,” she said, menace and some of the real Christine bubbling to the surface. Behind her Erica cocked an eyebrow again, but otherwise there was no reaction. Damn. She was a cool customer. If I’d been thrown into a new workplace and the first thing that happened to me was getting thrust in the middle of an office catfight I think I’d have some sort of reaction.

Christine turned back to Erica. “Now as I was saying. I was hoping we could have a meeting and go over all the fun we’re going to have with your internship.”

All the fun they were going to have with her internship? The hell?

“What about that sign on your door that said I needed to come see Nicole here?” Erica asked. “That didn’t seem like you had anything planned for me?”

I braced myself for the explosion. I had to admit that the girl had balls for standing up to Christine like that on her first day, but there was enough of the old Christine percolating just under the surface that I figured a little talkback from an intern of all things would be enough to set her off. She did tense for a moment, but otherwise there was no reaction. No blowup. She just gritted her teeth and that smile stayed plastered on her face.

“Yes, well about that…”

“Oh it’s perfectly okay Christine,” Erica said. “I know you’re probably very busy with all the work you do to keep this department running.”

I resisted the urge to laugh at that. If I didn’t know any better I’d say Erica was having some fun with Christine, but of course that was impossible. Still, I was in the know enough to think that was pretty damn funny, even if I wasn’t about to show any outward sign of just how funny I thought it was. This Erica girl might have some blessed star watching over her and keeping Christine from getting really mad with her like she would with anyone else, but I didn’t have any such blessing.

“I’m sure it would be a much better use of everyone’s time if I stayed here with Nicole and learned the ropes while you focused on running the department.”

As she said that she looked at me. Fixed me with an intense stare that had me wondering if maybe there wasn’t another reason why she was suddenly so interested in sticking with me. I found myself daydreaming about a forbidden office romance for the briefest of moments, but then I viciously stomped down on that notion. It was ridiculous. Not to mention that it would be terrible for me to get involved with an intern I was supposed to be supervising, assuming I actually got to supervise her. And that wasn’t even taking into account that it was probably just wishful thinking that she’d be interested in me in the first place!

“Are you sure about that? I think you’d get a much better idea of everything that happens here on floor seven if you were in the big office,” Christine said.

Erica’s eyes darted to me again and then she turned back to Christine with a smile. “That’s quite all right, but thank you for your dedication. I think I’ll have plenty to learn from Nicole here.”

A shiver ran up and down my spine at that. Why was a shiver running up and down my spine? I’m sure she meant that in a purely professional capacity. Thinking there was any sort of double meaning to what she said was just so much wishful thinking on my part. Wishful thinking that was going to get me in trouble if I did wind up supervising her. That was still very much up in the air. I expected Christine to lay down the law and make it clear that this new Erica girl was going to do whatever she said. That was just like the old Christine.

So color me surprised when her shoulders sagged and all the fight seemed to go out of her. The smile was still there on her face, but it didn’t seem as intense as before. Almost as though the work of keeping that smile plastered on her face for so long instead of her usual scowl was too much for her. It was obviously draining her.

“Well then, I suppose Nicole will have to do. For now.”

I blinked. Did that really just happen? Did she really just let the new intern pick what she wanted to do? Again, the pod people theory came to mind and I found myself actually looking around Christine to see if there were any tentacles or something sticking out somewhere, but nothing. She turned to glare at me, oh yes the old Christine was definitely there, barely under the surface, looking for something to get angry at. But for some reason she didn’t seem to want to get angry here.

She was going to take that out on someone this morning, though. I’d have to make sure and get the warning out. As soon as Christine was clicking her way out of my cubicle and across the floor I found myself letting out a huge relieved breath.

“Well that wasn’t so bad,” Erica said, looking at me as though she was waiting for some sort of reaction. As though that big sigh wasn’t enough.

“Yeah? Well I don’t know who that woman is or what she did with Christine, but something’s going on there.”

Erica tapped her lip and followed the sound of Christine clicking over to her office. I could hear the glass door opening and then it slammed shut with enough force that the entire glass cube that contained her personal domain rattled. Oh yes, she was definitely very annoyed.

“So is she like that a lot?”

“The smiles or the rattling glass?”

“Either or?”

“Let’s just say that’s the first time I’ve seen her smiling without malice since I started here.”

I clapped my hands together and did my best to smile. It wasn’t that difficult to smile around this girl, though. She was just so captivating. I didn’t find myself thinking about girls like that very often, but there was just something about her.

And I realized that even though I was relieved that I was going to get to work with her directly I was also slightly terrified. I was definitely going to have to work to keep it under control. I’m sure the last thing this girl wanted during her internship was her supervisor hitting on her. I was going to have to work hard to keep things professional, as much as it disappointed me that I was going to have to maintain that detachment.

“Right, so let’s get you set up with a chair and see about getting you a computer or a laptop or something,” I said. “We don’t have any spare cubicles right now, so we’ll have to double up and be a little cramped for awhile, but don’t worry. I’m sure Christine will fire someone soon enough and we can move you.”

I was only half joking about that, but she seemed to take me seriously enough. She arched an eyebrow again and her lips parted ever so slightly and I found myself wondering what it would feel like to have those lips brushing against mine, but I chased those thoughts away as quickly as they appeared in my traitorous imagination.

“Oh don’t worry,” Erica said. “I’m sure I won’t mind working close with you.”

I stood there dumbfounded for a moment. Had she really just said that? That couldn’t possibly just be my imagination. Then I took hold of myself and headed to the supply closet with Erica in tow, and the entire way I couldn’t shake the feeling I was being watched.

I liked that feeling, dangerous as it was.

4: Blowing Off Steam

This internship was going to be pure torture. I felt my heart jumping into my throat when it turned out this Nicole girl I was going to be working under for the next couple of months was none other than the very same girl I’d seen when I was getting onto the elevator with the Pervatron 5000 yesterday. This definitely made this whole internship thing a hell of a lot more interesting than I thought it was going to be.

And it seemed like there was so much going on here. So much under the surface that I was just beginning to understand. I still had no idea what the hell was going on with this Christine lady. Nicole seemed terrified of her, but then she blows in with smiles treating me like I’m a long lost best friend or something.

It was almost enough to make me think she knew who I was, but of course that was impossible. Dad had presumably gone to great lengths to make sure not even a hint of a rumor that his daughter was somewhere in the building would get out. What was the point of sending me out to anonymously survey his domain if he didn’t pull something like that? And yet I couldn’t shake the feeling that there was a leak somewhere.

“So if you look at the column there, we just have to make sure it matches the numbers in this column over here. Otherwise it means someone from up on ten is trying to pull a fast one by massaging their numbers, and that’s the sort of stuff that gets people investigated by the feds for fraud.”

I shook my head and glanced over Nicole’s shoulder again. Tried to concentrate on what she was trying to teach me about what they did in this department rather than concentrating on how nice she smelled. On the view that I had where I could almost see down her shirt as I leaned over her. I wondered if she was doing that on purpose, because it was driving me wild and making it very difficult for me to concentrate on important stuff like the job at hand or what the hell was going on here on the seventh floor.

I glanced at the clock down in the corner of her computer. I was forced to look at her screen because they weren’t going to be able to get a laptop up here for me until at least tomorrow at the earliest. From the way Nicole talked it seemed like it might be even longer. I got the impression that getting supplies wasn’t considered very important on this floor which seemed ridiculous. Everyone was supposed to get the equipment to do their job if they needed it. Just one more mystery for this floor that had me wondering what the hell was going on here.

Yeah, I could see why dear old dad would want to send me down here. There was definitely something going on here, and if I wasn’t seeing it being right here on the floor then I could definitely see why things were being hidden from upper management. And I had a feeling that Christine girl was at the center of everything, but I’d have to work on that.

Of course what I’d really like to work on is this Nicole girl. She had an unassuming beauty that drew me to her. I wanted to whirl her chair around and kiss her, and I was really fucking surprised at how intense that feeling was. I hadn’t expected to find that on a boring internship of all things.

“Y’know it’s getting close to five,” I said.

Nicole turned and looked at me, a sad smile on her face. “You can go at five if you want to, but I have so much crap to do that there’s not a chance I’m going to get out of here before eight or nine at the earliest.”

I blinked. That was ridiculous! “Does everyone have to work hours like that around here?”

Nicole rolled her eyes. “Not really. Just the people who were stupid enough to get in Christine’s crosshairs.”

“Really? How’d you do that? An argument or something?”

“I wish. I just did my work. And every time she brought something new for me to do I did that too. Before I knew it I was being loaded down with a bunch of her pet projects and now with managing an intern on top of that I’m just going to have to pull some long hours,” she said. “Not that I blame you or anything.”

"I know you don't blame me," I said. "I'm still sorry you have to put up with this."

I reached out and took her hand. Gave it a squeeze. Nicole looked over at me and her eyebrows raised in surprise. To be honest I was a little surprised that I was being that forward. After all, she was technically my boss. Taking her hand felt like the kind of personal gesture that was a little inappropriate for the workplace.

Not that I cared. It's not like they were going to fire me or anything. Or, at the very least, if they did get to the point where they were going to fire me I had a feeling dear old dad would step in and take care of business. Not many people enjoyed that sort of job security.

Nicole blushed and turned away from me. Started typing at her computer again. I let out a sigh of frustration and she turned back to me for a moment, but never once in that moment did her fingers stop dancing across her keyboard.

"Come on Nicole! You're young. Why don't you get out and live a little? Your work will be waiting for you in the morning!"

"You don't understand," she said. "If I don't do this then Christine will…"

"What? She'll yell at you more?"

Nicole looked back at her computer. Back at me. A smile split her face, and then she started giggling. I blinked in surprise. Giggling was the last reaction I expected, but it was infectious. A moment later we were both giggling and I was wiping a tear from my eyes, though I still had no idea what the hell was so damn funny.

"So are you going to tell me what the big joke is?" I asked.

"It's actually more depressing than it is a joke," Nicole said. "I was thinking about how I'm going to get yelled at by Christine and treated like shit whether or not I do her work. What’s the worst that could happen if I skip a night?"

"Well she could try and fire you," I said.

Of course what Nicole couldn’t know was nothing of the sort was going to happen to her if I had anything to say about it. Sure I didn't exactly have much pull within the organization. Not yet. Not until dear old dad decided to trust me with a little more in the way of responsibility. But I would go to the mats for her. She seemed like a good person. She was fun to be around her. She was so easy to talk to.

I'll be damned if I was going to let someone like that escape the company because she happened to have a bad boss. At least I told myself I was only doing it for selfless reasons. For the company. Because the other reasons I wanted to keep her around definitely weren’t workplace appropriate. The sort of thing dear old dad frowned on. Never mind all the fun he’d had with his secretaries over the years.

"I'm not worried about that," Nicole said with a dismissive wave and a snort that told me exactly what she thought about the idea of getting fired. "She wouldn't dream of firing the person who's doing all her grunt work. Besides, if she fires me the company will have to pay out all the vacation I've been saving up ever since I started working here. That would hit her budget so hard she’d probably get fired herself!"

More giggles. It felt good to laugh with Nicole. Though what I desperately wanted was to reach out and brush her hand again. I wanted to move my hand up and brush it along her cheek. Maybe wrap it around the back of her head and pull her against me.

No, that was getting into an area that was completely inappropriate. That was the sort of thing that could get us in trouble even if it was kind of hot thinking about being the naughty intern seducing the boss. And I wasn't sure I’d be able to do anything to save our jobs if I pushed one of my father's buttons like that.

I could giver her a little push to get out there and live a little though.

"So what do you think about hitting a bar near the office? I'm sure you know of a few good places to throw down and unwind!"

"What would make you say that?" Nicole asked.

"You seem like the kind of person who might need a drink or two when you get done with a day at the job."

I hated that anyone working for the company would feel like they needed to have a drink or two after a day at the job, but there wasn't anything I could do about it. Not now, at least. I could observe, though, and report on everything I saw. I was starting to wonder if maybe this Christine lady was the whole reason dad had sent me down to visit this particular department in the first place. I'd learned very early in life that he didn't leave much up to chance.

"I know a couple of places where we could stop and get a drink," Nicole said.

"What about dancing? The place definitely has to have dancing!"

Nicole blinked. "We’re in the business district. What makes you think anyplace around here would have dancing?"

"What? Are you telling me everybody decides they don't want to go out and have a good time when they get a real job? There's no meat market for people to meet up and hook up after work? Because if that's what you're saying, then I'm never leaving college ever!"

Nicole tapped a finger against her lips for a moment and then her face lit up. I was glad to see her face lighting up. I’d freely admit that I had an ulterior motive for getting her to a place like that. Sure I was enjoying my time with her, but I was also very interested in seeing what she looked like when she let loose. I had a feeling Nicole maybe had some moves, and they were moves I very much wanted to see.

Besides, I figured just watching her would be innocent enough. It seemed like it would be perfectly okay as long as we were doing it outside of the confines of the office. Outside of this building where dad's tendrils reached out into every facet of life. Sometimes I felt like he had eyes in the walls.

"I think I know a place like that," Nicole said. "But I'm sure it's not going to be like a college bar or anything like that. There might be people looking to hook up after work, but these are old boring people with jobs who have to be back at the office first thing in the morning."

"It sounds wonderful," I said.

And so I found myself sitting at a dive bar not too far from the building. At least it was a dive by the standards of the campus bars I was used to, and that was saying something. But they did have a dance floor. I suppose I'd asked for a dance floor. I just never specified that it had to be a dance floor in a moderately classy joint.

I took a sip of my beer and looked out over the crowd.

"This is a lot more depressing than I thought it would be when I asked you to take me here," I said. Looking out at the dance floor wasn’t putting me in a mood to go out there myself. Nicole certainly wasn’t making any move out there. She seemed just fine hanging out by the bar nursing a beer.

Damn it.

"Hey, you asked for dancing. You didn't say it had to be pretty," Nicole replied right back.

I smiled and raised my beer in a salute to her and the echo of my own thoughts. I suppose the old phrase about being careful what you asked for were still true. Or maybe it was be careful what you wished for. It worked just the same in this situation.

Well if dancing wasn’t in the cards then at least I could go for conversation. Figure out what made Nicole tick.

"So what did you want to do before you got stuck working for dragon lady?" I asked.

Nicole looked out over the dance floor and sighed. A bunch of middle-aged or older people out there busting a move to songs that hadn’t been popular on the charts for at least a couple decades. Probably not since before I was born.

"Certainly not working for dragon lady," Nicole said. "I suppose it's the usual stuff. Do my job. Be good at it. Go up the corporate ladder and be recognized for my accomplishments."

She punctuated that last bit by letting out a sarcastic "ha!" I smiled and shook my head. It was a shame a talent like this was being wasted because of poor middle-management.

"You never know," I said. "Maybe something good will happen to you eventually."

"At this company?" Nicole asked. "I don't see that happening. But it's a nice stepping stone. A job you put up with for a couple of years while you frantically look for work somewhere else where your boss isn’t a total bitch!" She frowned. “Assuming your current total bitch of a boss doesn’t do her best to sabotage you when you move. People stopped telling her where they were going after she called one place and lied through her teeth to tank some guy’s job offer. I still don’t know how she didn’t get sued for that one.”

I shook my head and raised my beer one final time. They clinked together. "Here's to not working for total bitches!"

"No worries about having that experience while you're working as my intern," she said. And then she surprised me by kicking her head back and downing her entire bottle of beer. My eyes went wide as I witnessed this incredible feat of alcohol consumption. She slammed the beer down and smiled.

"Come on! The night's just getting started!" Nicole said.

I had a brief thought in the back of my head that this was the sort of thing dad wouldn't approve of, but then I decided fuck it. My entire life had consisted of doing things he wouldn't approve of, and I didn't see why that should change now that I was working directly under his thumb.

And so I waved the bartender over and ordered another round. Nicole tried to protest, but I held up a hand and told her it was my treat. The night was young, after all, and I figured there would be plenty of time for her to pick up a round or two.

I don't know what I'd expected when I started my internship at the company, but it certainly wasn't this captivating girl sitting before me. Captivating? Yeah, I suppose that was the best way to describe her. I was intrigued. I wanted to get to know her better.

Whatever. Tonight was a night for having fun, getting blasted, and toasting our new working relationship. I just needed to remember to put particular emphasis on the working part of that phrase, lest I get myself in trouble.

But damn could I have some fun getting in trouble with this girl!

5: New Routine

I woke up to a buzzing next to my head. I opened one eye and peered at my nightstand. My phone was buzzing there, but it was difficult to tell why it was buzzing. The world refused to resolve into a non-fuzzy picture.

Damn. I'd had entirely too much to drink the night before. If I didn't know any better I'd almost say Erica was trying to get a girl drunk. I found myself feeling just a little warm and fuzzy at that thought, but I dismissed it as ridiculous and pushed it out of my mind.

No, I needed to figure out why my phone was buzzing frantically. I worried that there might be a death in the family or something.

I pulled the phone towards me and tried not to let the bright light disturb me too much. It was like somebody was taking an ice pick and ramming it straight into my brain through my eyes. Well, metaphorically at least. If someone actually did that then it would probably kill me. Though death would be welcome compared to the headache that was brewing.

I squinted at my phone until the small letters on the text messages sort of made sense. It looked like somebody was upset from the way it was all caps with lots of exclamation marks. My heart sank as I saw that. I only knew two types of people in this world who texted like that. The first was teenage girls discovering the Internet for the first time letting everyone know how excited they were about everything around them. The second was Christine, because of course she wasn't happy unless she was doing the textual equivalent of screaming at someone. She was always screaming at someone whether in real life or over texts.

And right now she was screaming at me. Her messages asked me where the hell I was. Getting increasingly frantic. I glanced up at the time on my phone and very nearly pissed myself. There were even a couple of messages from Amber in there sounding increasingly worried and spelling out in gruesome detail just how furious Christine was. Damn.

I was late. Very late. It was at least two hours after I was supposed to be at work.

A firing offense if there ever was one. I might've been cavalier with Erica the night before about my chances of getting fired, but I knew heads had rolled for far less than this.

I shot off a quick message, though it was difficult because my fumbling fingers refused to cooperate long enough to get anything down in the text box. I texted that I’d be there shortly, no excuses offered, and then I was off to shower and get ready for work in record time.

I just hoped I’d still have a job when I got there. Damn it. What the hell was I thinking last night? Going out partying with my new intern? Some boss I was turning out to be!

I actually did get to work in record time. A half hour later I was running through the door after a very brisk walk from my apartment. I had an increasingly sinking feeling as I stepped off the elevator. Christine stood by my cubicle, her foot tapping. Her arms crossed. I wondered if she'd been waiting there since she sent me the first text message. It wouldn’t surprise me.

I was in deep shit.

"And just where were you?" Christine asked.

I swallowed. She didn't sound angry. She was cool and collected, but that was even more unsettling. It was the quiet anger you really had to worry about.

"I…"

"She was with me," a voice called out from behind me.

I squeezed my eyes shut. Damn it. Of all the times for Erica to arrive late. That could only make things even worse.

Erica breezed past us with a cheery smile on her face and a coffee carrier balanced in one hand. There were three coffees there. As she passed Christine she plucked one out and handed it to her.

"My treat!" she said with an oblivious smile. Then she turned and winked at me, the smile never leaving her face. Okay, maybe she wasn’t quite as oblivious as I thought.

Christine looked at her in astonishment, her mouth working but nothing coming out. I braced for the inevitable. She was just an intern. No matter how weird Christine had been acting yesterday, there was no way she was going to let Erica get away with something like this. There was no excuse, in her mind at least, for somebody being even a little bit late. Ever.

Hell, there'd been a guy who got reamed because he'd been hit by a car and was late. Never mind that he was late because he’d been at the hospital all day. Of course he'd kept his job. Barely. Even Christine was smart enough to avoid that sort of lawsuit.

There was no chance Erica was going to get away with this, though. She didn’t look like she’d been hit by a car.

"And why are you so late?" Christine asked, but it was clear the wind had been taken out of her sails. What the hell was going on here?

Erica stuck her head out from the cubicle. Looked at Christine and then over to me. "Is something wrong?"

"I…" Christine started, then stopped. "I was just wondering why the two of you were running so late today. You know I like to run a tight ship here on the seventh floor!"

"Oh that? We were working so late last night that we both decided to come in a little late this morning. You don't mind, do you? After all, it clearly states in the company handbook that flex time is cool, right?"

My mouth hung open. It was a wonder a fly didn't go ahead and take the invitation. Christine was also staring, but her expression was unreadable. There was just no way this could possibly work. There was no way that Christine, the dragon lady of the seventh floor, was possibly going to let a lowly intern get away with dictating company policy to her.

She sniffed. "Well then. I’ll just be sure and get confirmation you were in the system working late."

"Go ahead," Erica said. "Check the logs! I’m sure there won’t be any irregularities with any of them for this floor, right?"

"Yes, well…" Christine said, then she whirled around and stalked back to her office. If she was a cat her tail would be twitching.

I turned to Erica who was beaming at me. Who was this girl, and how the hell did she do that?

Then again, she had convinced me to go out rather than staying late and working the night before. She definitely seemed to have the ability to charm people when she wanted to. Though there had to be more than the ability to charm going on with Christine.

Shit. Working the night before. I scrambled into the cubicle.

"What were you thinking, telling her there’s nothing wrong with the logs?"

Erica shrugged and smiled. "What's she going to do if she makes a big stink about the logs? Anyone higher up who goes in and investigates is going to see that you're working on a lot of projects dragon lady in there should be doing. If she rats you out then she rats herself out."

"That's… Fucking genius!"

"I knew you'd think so," she said. "Now how about your coffee? I made sure to bring a little extra to go with yours."

She slid a bottle of ibuprofen my way. I grinned and we held our coffees up in salute as we downed some sorely needed medication. It was going to be difficult getting through this day, but the medicine would help. I looked at Erica and grinned. I couldn't help but be in awe of the way she'd handled Christine. I'd definitely have to figure out how that worked before she finished her internship.

"Right," I said. "Well now that we’re both in here, I might as well show you how to get started on some of our work."

We spent the rest of the morning exploring the exciting tedium of spreadsheets interrupted by the occasional message from Amber, though she kept things more tame than our usual conversation. Probably because she knew I had Erica in here with me.

Erica, in the meantime, was being very forward. She scooted in close to me, and I tried my best to ignore how close she was. The way she always leaned in. Hell, on one occasion I found myself glancing over and realized she'd leaned over far enough that I could catch the barest glimpse of her cleavage, and for the first time in my life I found myself actually enjoying what I was seeing. Like, I'm talking really enjoying it. Not just glancing and thinking "oh, I wish I had that!"

I shook my head when I realized what I was doing. What the hell was I thinking? I quickly looked up to her face, and from the way she'd locked eyes with me and smiled it seemed like she'd definitely noticed me looking. Shit. I was crossing all sorts of forbidden barriers here with my intern, and we'd only known each other for barely a day!

I tried to be strictly business after that. We eventually settled into a routine, but I couldn't help but notice the way she looked at me occasionally, and it had me wondering.

Only every time they came up I stomped down on those thoughts. I was the boss, she was the intern, and that's all there was to it. Anything else would be very unprofessional and inappropriate.

All that tension made the conversation we had at the end of that first full day just a little uncomfortable.

"So I was thinking of going out somewhere again. What do you think?" Erica asked.

I turned and smiled at her. Tried my best to hide how excited I felt about the idea of going out with her again. It wouldn't do to seem excited considering it wasn't going to happen.

"I'd love to Erica…"

It was amazing how she managed to keep her face under control. She slipped for just a moment. A frown was there for just the barest fraction of a second. Which just made me feel all the more terrible about turning her down.

Particularly considering the combination of all the fun we'd had the night before and how she'd miraculously managed to keep me from getting yelled at by Christine the dragon lady today.

"I have a feeling there's a “but” somewhere in there?" Erica asked.

"Unfortunately yeah," I said with a sigh. "Listen, last night was fun and all. I had a great time. Probably the most fun I've had since I started working at this place. But it's not appropriate…"

Erica sighed and smiled. Her smile was radiant. It was so welcoming. I found myself wondering what it would feel like to lean forward. To maybe press my lips against that smile and…

Whoa. Now where the hell had that thought come from? I shook my head to try and clear it. Going out with her the night before was bad enough. Starting to have those sorts of thoughts, though? That was definitely something that would be frowned on by the organization. Not to mention that I’d never had those sorts of thoughts about a woman before!

"It's okay," Erica said. "I understand entirely. My dad is always going on about how you shouldn’t mix business and pleasure. Not that he's very good about following his own advice."

I shook my head. "It's been my experience that men aren't very good at following their own advice when it comes to that sort of thing."

Erica giggled. "Well I understand why you're doing this," she said. "But don't think this lets you off the hook. I'm not going to give up that easily!"

A thrill ran through me at those words. Suddenly I very much wanted her to not give up. I very much wanted her to keep trying to get me to go out with her. Wait, go out with her? Did I really just think of it as going out with her? Like a date? What was coming over me?

This was dangerous. So very dangerous.

"I think you should go and have your fun though. Enjoy being young and out there. I'll be here working like the old spinster I am!"

Erica leaned forward. Put her hand on my own. I felt a thrill run through me at that touch and then I immediately schooled myself to an impassive face. It wouldn't do to show her how giddy I felt at that touch. Then again there was no way to hide the goosebumps that rose around that spot where she was brushing my arm.

"You're definitely not an old spinster. Trust me on that."

I looked away. Partly because I was blushing, but mostly because I didn't think I was going to be able to stand the burning intensity in her eyes. Damn it. It wasn't fair for someone to be able to look at me with that much intensity! Her eyes were pure sex sending a thrill running through me. My body was betraying me. It was making me think thoughts that were totally inappropriate for a boss to her intern. And yet they were so delicious precisely because they were so forbidden. I needed to get control of this, and I needed to get control of it now!

"Go on Erica," I said. "That's an order. And make sure to tell me about all the fun you had tomorrow. Living vicariously through you will give me a welcome distraction while I'm working on dragon lady’s boring spreadsheets."

Erica sighed. "Well if you're not going to be satisfied until you’re rid of me…"

Being rid of her was the last thing I wanted, but at the same time it didn't seem like a good idea to go telling her that. That would just needlessly complicate an already complicated situation. I shooed her out of the cubicle even as I hated myself for doing it.

"Go. Have fun!"

And with that Erica stood and made her way out. Only I found myself leaning out of the cubicle as she left. I found myself looking her up and down in a way that had absolutely nothing to do with assessing her professional qualities and everything to do with assessing how good she looked in that button up shirt and the tight skirt that molded to her body just low enough to get past company policy. It was definitely on the line, though. A very fun line that I was suddenly very much enjoying.

As she reached the elevator she turned and caught me looking. Fixed me with a grin and another one of those steamy looks. At least I thought it was a steamy look. Maybe that was wishful thinking? I'd never gotten a look like that from a woman before, after all, and so I had no idea how the hell this was supposed to work. What the hell "this" even was.

I sighed and rolled my chair back as the elevator doors closed. This was crazy. It was time to focus on spreadsheets and the real world for a little while. Before I let my fantasy life get away from me entirely.

I looked down to a blinking notification in the corner of my screen. Messages from Amber asking where the heck I’d been, and then one final question.

“Something going on? Haven’t heard from you in awhile.”

Was something going on? I wasn’t sure, but it seemed like it. It was a good thing she’d logged of for the day, because talk about a conversation I didn’t want to have. I sighed, clicked out of my messages, and tried to concentrate on spreadsheets. Tried being the operative word as thoughts of Erica kept intruding on my work.

6: New Feelings

This was crazy. I was letting my fantasy life get away from me entirely.

Arrive in the morning. Usually I tried to bring coffee of some sort. Through a little bit of trial and error I'd figured out exactly what Nicole liked. It was silly, but it made me feel warm and fuzzy to hand her a hot cup. I'm sure she thought I was kissing her ass, but I just wanted to help.

Besides, I didn't know anybody in the company who needed to kiss their boss’s ass less than I did.

Sitting in a cubicle with her all day long was pure torture. It was like that first day when I saw her as the elevator doors closed, only now those feelings hit me every time I turned my desk around. Talk about making it difficult to get any real work done! I felt like I was going to explode. Like I had a fever, and the only cure was more Nicole.

In short, I had one hell of an inconvenient girl crush, and it was driving me to distraction.

"Are you having some trouble there?"

I very nearly jumped out of my skin. I turned and Nicole was smiling at me. She was always so easy-going. The exact opposite of how stressed out everybody else was on this floor. I wondered if that was because she was trying to put on a brave face for me, or if she was really able to let her troubles roll off her so easily. If it was the latter I really needed to learn her tricks.

"Nothing like that," I said. "Just a little distracted, is all."

"I can understand why," she said. "Those spreadsheets can get pretty boring. Sometimes I think part of the reason why I spend so much time working on them is because I spend half my time daydreaming to get away from the dull monotony."

"Really?" I said with a grin. "I thought the reason you spent so much time on all the spreadsheets was because Christine was always giving you more and more of her work."

Nicole stuck her tongue out at me. I'm sure she only meant it as a playful gesture, but I couldn't help but shiver as I thought of some of the other far more interesting things she could do with that tongue.

And there I went again. Getting distracted.

"You've got that look on your face again," Nicole said.

I schooled my face to passiveness. Shit. She could tell when I was mooning over her? Damn it.

"What are you talking about?" I asked.

"That faraway look in your eyes. Like you're a million miles from here."

I'd hardly say I was a million miles from the cubicle. The problem was I was right here in the cubicle. Right next to her. That was enough to make my mind wander to some very interesting places. I never thought I'd find someone as interesting as Nicole in the office, but now that she was right here in front of me I had to have her.

Which made it all the more disappointing that she seemed completely uninterested in what I was offering.

I sighed.

"Seriously Erica," Nicole said. A worried expression on her face all of a sudden. "What's bothering you? Did Christine say something? If she bothered you…"

She looked through her cubicle wall towards where Christine would be sitting in that massive glass office that always showed her busy not doing her job at pretty much all hours of the day. That was definitely going in my report when I talked about my experience here on the seventh floor.

"I guess I won't do much of anything," Nicole said. "Except maybe bitch about her. That's always fun!"

"Tell me about it!" I said, suddenly seeing an opportunity to change the subject and seizing on it. "I'm pretty sure I saw her playing solitaire for a solid half hour yesterday. I didn't know they even still installed solitaire on computers these days!"

Nicole rolled her eyes. "She probably convinced somebody in IT to help her out with that."

"You mean she browbeat someone until they gave her what she wanted?"

Nicole giggled. "That does sound like Christine's management strategy, but in this case I’m pretty sure she was banging one of the IT guys at some point."

“Poor bastard,” I said.

Nicole sighed again. Usually we could giggle about that sort of thing, but not for long. It was always funny for a little while, but then it inevitably turned to the depressing reality that was working on the seventh floor. A depressing reality that I fully intended to change as soon as I had an opportunity. Not that I had any idea when exactly that opportunity was going to be, which drove me crazy.

Almost as crazy as I was going wondering when I was going to get another chance with Nicole. If I'd known that first night out at the bar was going to be the only night we enjoyed together then I would have tried to make more of it. At least I thought I would’ve tried to make more of it. It's difficult to tell.

Sure I'd thought she was hot back then, but at the same time it's not like I'd spent enough time with her to really get to know her. To see her humorous personality and how scary smart she was. Too smart for the job she was doing, but then again I figured underemployment was just kind of a thing since the economy had been put into the tank while I was still in high school.

Now I was left with a conundrum. How did I break through that barrier of professional propriety that made her unwilling to go out with me after work? I'd asked almost every day when we got to the end of the day, and every day she always had an excuse. Usually that she had too much work to do and couldn't possibly think of going out, but I think we both knew that was just a polite fiction.

That did give me an idea that was just crazy enough to work. Either that or it was wishful thinking coupled with some pretty heavy self-delusion, but I had to try something.

She'd said we couldn't go out for drinks as boss and intern. Well she hadn’t said that in so many words, but the implication was clear enough. But supposing I asked her out on a date instead… It was crazy, but at the same time fortune favored the bold. I wouldn't be my father's daughter if I didn't take the occasional risk in the name of getting what I wanted.

Besides, I figured this was a pretty safe risk. I’d seen the way she looked at me from time to time. I even thought I’d caught her checking me out on a couple of occasions. There was tension in this cubicle, and there was no way it was all in my imagination.

I really desperately hoped it wasn’t all in my imagination. Otherwise I was about to make an ass of myself.

"So I was thinking…"

Nicole held up a hand almost immediately. "Oh no. I'm going to stop you right there."

I blinked and snorted. "What are you talking about?"

"You're about to ask me if I want to join you at a bar or something," she said. "It's going to be really tempting because I had a lot of fun that first time out, too much fun if I’m being perfectly honest, but it's just not right for the boss to go hang out with her intern. You know that. I say the same thing every time you ask."

A hint of frustrated exasperation crept into her voice at that last bit. I hoped she was frustrated because she really wanted to go out with me but was holding back out of a sense of obligation or professionalism or whatever the hell it was that was keeping her from enjoying herself.

"Well you're completely wrong about that," I said.

Nicole cocked an eyebrow and fixed me with a look that said she wasn't buying whatever I was selling. "What are you talking about?"

"I wasn't going to see about going out and having a drink after work with the boss.”

"But that's what you've asked every night since we started working together. Since that first night when we both had a little too much to drink."

"Maybe that's so," I said. "But that's not what I'm asking tonight."

"Okay then. What are you asking?"

I took a deep breath. Here we went. Fortune favors the bold and all that. I always hated it when my dad said that growing up, but now that I was a little older I was starting to understand the sentiment behind it.

"I was thinking I wouldn't ask my boss out for drinks after work. I figured it would be much nicer to ask a pretty girl out on a date?"

I winced as the last bit came out as a question. I’d been taught to never let something come out as a question like that. Not when I was trying to be confident.

Nicole blinked. "Excuse me?"

Well, there was nothing for it but to forge ahead at this point. I'd already done the crazy thing and asked her out. What other option did I have? It's not like I was going to take something like that back!

"I'm asking you out on a date," I said.

"A date."

"Yeah, you know. Two people who maybe like each other. Get to know each other a little better? That whole schtick?"

"I know what you're talking about," she said. "I'm just a little surprised. That's the last thing I was expecting!"

Well then. That might be the last thing she was expecting, but from the way she was getting flustered it seemed like she liked the idea. There was a blush creeping up along her chest and neck. She was embarrassed, but her mouth was open and her breathing was picking up. Yeah, I almost had her. I just had to reel her in. And hope she stayed surprised and off balance long enough to forget all that pesky professionalism.

"It's just that I'm pretty sure there's something going on here. I’d go crazy if I didn't see where it was going."

"But I'm your boss," she said. "That would be completely inappropriate."

Damn it. I was losing her. I had to think fast!

"Yeah, but it's not like it's against the rules," I said. "You're just breaking guidelines rather than actual rules."

"How do you figure?"

"I looked up the rules for fraternization in the workplace before I decided to ask you out.”

I did nothing of the sort, but she didn’t have to know that. This was another lesson from dear old dad. If you didn’t have a leg to stand on then it was even more important to bullshit like you did.

“It says of there is to be no relationship between a supervisor and their employee. The only problem with that is that I'm not technically considered an employee as far as the handbook is concerned. In the subsection where it talks about different employee levels intern is clearly listed as a separate category from actual employees. I assume they're trying to protect themselves with legalese, only in this case the legalese works out in our favor!"

"Bullshit," Nicole said.

"I swear it's not!" I also really hoped she didn’t check the handbook because I didn’t even know if there were separate employee classifications like that.

Nicole bit her lip. Stared at me for a moment that felt like it was going to stretch on forever. She looked over her shoulder in the direction of Christine in her giant glass fortress of solitaire. Then back at me. She grinned.

"I'm not sure if what you just said was bullshit or not, but I'm going to choose to believe it because I really want to say yes!"

I blinked. Was I really in? Had it really been that easy?

"Great!" I said. "So is there any place in particular you'd like to go?"

Nicole shook her head. "No you don't. You're the one asking me out, so you're the one planning the date."

I grinned right back at her. Planning a date. I liked that she was letting me take charge. Now to come up with something that would truly blow her mind!

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