Misty's Mayhem
Date: 2018-08-02 04:00:00+00:00
Keywords: Paranormal; Paranormal Romance; Romance; Demons; Chick Lit; Humor
Description: Misty What’s love got to do with it? If you’re Cupid, everything. If you’re me, not a thing in the sea. I don’t believe in love. Poseidon is smoking some bad seaweed if he expects me to take the one job I’m obviously not qualified for. Rumor has it, Cupid is a chubby baby with a bad attitude. That’s all I need. A pissed off porcine toddler with love arrows gunning for my tail because I took his job. On top of that, the idiot I’m kind of seeing who shall remain nameless—mostly because I don’t know his name… don’t judge—left red and silver magic all over my skin and hair last time we… umm…went o
Rights: Copyright 2019 Robyn Peterman. All rights reserved.

MISTY’S MAYHEM

SEA SHENANIGANS, BOOK 3

ROBYN PETERMAN

WWW.ROBYNPETERMAN.COM

Copyright © 2018 by Robyn Peterman

All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, businesses, companies, events, or locales is coincidental.

This book contains content that may not be suitable for young readers 17 and under.

Cover by Rebecca Poole of dreams2media

Edited by Meg Weglarz

Created with Vellum

CONTENTS

Acknowledgments

Book Description

Prologue

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Note From The Author

Madison’s Mess

Robyn’s Book List

About Robyn Peterman

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Starting a new series is delightfully frightening. The Sea Shenanigans characters have been inside my head for quite a while and I adore each and every one of them! I can’t wait for you guys to read this book. Misty’s Mayhem was a blast to write.

Misty and Archer are every kind of smexy and hilarious.

Anyhoo, as always, I write the book, but it takes a whole lot of wonderful people to make the magic happen. I am a lucky girl because I have a whole lot of wonderful people in my life.

Rebecca Poole, thank you for my beautiful cover. You are the bomb!

Meg Weglarz, thank you. You are the best editor a gal could have!

Donna McDonald, thank you. You are the most brilliant MYST partner in the world!

My beta readers—Wanda and Susan, thank you. I adore you.

And to my readers… thank you. I do this for you

Steve, Henry and Audrey, thank you. I love you and you make everything worth it.

DEDICATION

For Rebecca.

You are the cover Goddess!

BOOK DESCRIPTION

Misty

What’s love got to do with it? If you’re Cupid, everything. If you’re me, not a thing in the sea. I don’t believe in love.

Poseidon is smoking some bad seaweed if he expects me to take the one job I’m obviously not qualified for. Rumor has it, Cupid is a chubby baby with a bad attitude. That’s all I need. A pissed off porcine toddler with love arrows gunning for my tail because I took his job.

On top of that, the idiot I’m kind of seeing who shall remain nameless—mostly because I don’t know his name… don’t judge—left red and silver magic all over my skin and hair last time we… umm…went on a date. And guess what? It doesn’t wash off.

Poseidon saw me sparkling away and now I’m freakin’ Cupid. Getting to the bottom of this abyss means finding what’s his name and thrashing his fine, smexy behind with my fin.

Why does this send shivers of delight all the way to the tip of my tail you might ask? I have no clue and no time to figure it out. Don’t judge.

I’m about to give love a bad name.

Cupid

Love is a fool’s game. Or at least I thought so for the past millennium…

Getting fired by a slightly inebriated God of the Sea isn’t so bad as long as you can find your way past the slurring of his words. Finding out Poseidon’s replacing me with the Mermaid I’ve been seeing for the past fifty years is an arrow straight to the heart. And not the good kind.

No big deal, right? I’ll just go to her and explain the job is mine. End of story.

Of course, it could get a bit awkward since we never actually exchanged names.

I’m Cupid and will always be Cupid. Sure, I may have slacked off a little and caused a tear in the abyss that may have possibly let some Demons through to this plane. I mean, who doesn’t let that happen every now and again? But the word around Mt. Olympus is that said Demons are coming for Cupid. And if she’s Cupid and I’m not, then they’re coming for my Mermaid. Unacceptable.

It might be a battlefield—but in the name of love, I’ll fight for this crazy little thing.

PROLOGUE

MISTY

“YOU’RE PRETTY MUCH OF A WANKER,” I said, grabbing my sarong from the bedpost. How in the Seven freakin’ Seas did my sarong land there? And where in the salty hell was my bikini top?

Crapcrapcrap.

I wrapped the sarong around my naked body and tied it rather violently into a knot at my waist.

“Thank you,” he replied with a panty melting smirk and a wink as he pulled on his pants and then gave me an irreverent bow.

“Wasn’t a compliment, jackhole,” I muttered, biting back my grin with extreme effort and snapping my fingers to conjure up a new bikini top as the one I’d arrived in was torn in half and hanging from the chandelier.

The jackhole simply chuckled. My stomach filled with butterflies, my girly parts danced with desire and my hands balled into fists. Decking his ass would feel wonderful. However, he wasn’t the problem. I was. I should deck my own ass.

“My bad,” he said with a grin. “Thought you were praising my man tool.”

“Oh my Seven Seas in a shit storm, you did not just call your Johnson a man tool,” I choked out, unable to hold back my hoot of laughter.

“I most certainly did,” he shot back with a laugh. “You think Johnson is better than man tool?” he demanded, still grinning.

“Well, no. But man tool loses big time,” I told him. “Very loser-y.”

“Fine,” he said with a shrug and a gleam in his icy blue eyes. “Name him.”

“Nope. Not gonna name your Johnson-man-tool.”

I stared at the floor for a moment and bit down on my lip hard. This was just supposed to be casual sex—no strings attached. Liking him would complicate things. But he was making it seriously difficult.

“Well, sounds to me that you just did,” he said with a wide grin. “While Johnson-man-tool wouldn’t be my first choice, I’ll go with it. We can call him JMT for short—even though he’s not short—at all. Personally, I would have gone with Hercules.”

“You are a…” I stopped myself before I called him a dork. Any more genitalia references would degenerate into Poseidon only knew what.

We continued to dress in silence. I glanced around the luxurious hotel suite and rolled my eyes. Agreeing to meet up with him in the Cayman Islands was yet another mistake on my part.

My Really Bad Decisions list was growing to epic proportions where this man was concerned. My need to punch something was strong. I was unsure who I wanted to punch more—him or me. The smartest thing to do would be to leave before I did something I would regret.

“Yeah right,” I mumbled to myself as I found one of my jeweled sandals under the bed of sin and the other in the sink of the ornate bathroom.

The irony of my thoughts almost made me laugh. I’d already done something I’d regret. Ten times. I’d done it ten times in six hours with the grinning idiot whose beauty was so stupid, just looking at him made me want to jump his hot bod again.

“So what alias are you going by this week?” I asked, completely unable to fathom why I’d been sleeping with this insane immortal on and off for fifty years and yet had no clue what his real name was.

But then again, I’d never given him mine either…

Names meant relationships. I didn’t do relationships. Ever. Love was for fairytales and fools… and my sisters… who were not fools, but definitely foolish when it came to love.

“Archer,” he replied, raising his eyebrow at me. “And yours, my beautiful Mermaid Siren? What name have you assumed this week?”

“First of all, I’m not yours. I belong to no one but myself. Secondly, I’m a Mermaid, not a Siren—Sirens are very old school. I don’t kill my prey after sex as you can very well attest to since you’re still breathing. However, I will admit the thought of offing you is tempting.”

“Are you trying to seduce me again?” he asked with a lopsided grin that made my entire body tighten with need. “Because if you are, it’s working. And you avoided the question.”

“Sheena,” I lied, tearing my eyes away from his. Maybe if I wasn’t looking at him, the overwhelming impulse to tackle him and ride him like a seahorse would subside. “My name is Sheena.”

No such luck. Still wanted to ride him. Crap.

“And this is your real name?” he inquired as he purposely moved right back into my line of sight to finish dressing.

“Nope,” I said, accepting the challenge and watching as his clothes covered his gorgeous body—all six foot three of perfectly muscled, ripped abs, sandy blonde hair, eyelashes that belonged on a girl and an ass you could bounce a gold coin off of. “Is Archer your real name?”

He paused and stared at me for a long moment. His icy blue eyes focused completely on me and I forgot how to breathe. He was all kinds of awful and every kind of sexy.

“It’s one of them,” Archer admitted casually and then shrugged.

Nonononononono. He was cheating. Not fair. Half of me was thrilled and the other half was furious. The furious side won.

“Wait a waterlogged minute,” I shouted and threw a sandal at his head. “That’s breaking the rules. You can’t tell me your real name. That makes this real and this is not real, buster.”

“Rules are made to be broken, Sheena,” he replied silkily as caught my sandal midair and ran his hands over it seductively. Archer flopped back down on the bed and patted the space next to him. “How about we break a few more rules and you kiss me?”

Gods, I was so tempted. But I would never kiss him. I hadn’t kissed him in all the years we’d been meeting clandestinely and I wasn’t going to do it today.

The jackhole would be under my spell. I might not kill my lovers like my ancestors did, but I could still entrap them with a kiss. There was no way in Poseidon’s soused ass I wanted to entrap this one. He was trouble and he called his weenie a man tool.

Plus, I was a lone Mermaid. Having a man was not in the plan.

“How about no? I’m not that into you.”

“How about you were very into me or vice versa—abstract pun intended—for approximately six hours,” he shot back with a grin.

“You’d better be careful. The fall from the size of your ego could be deadly.”

“I’ll take my chances,” Archer replied as his full kissable lips widened with delight. “And by the way, my ego matches my Johnson-man-tool. You’re welcome to test out this indisputable fact—again—if you feel so inclined.”

“You can take your chances and shove them up your ass,” I told him as I moved with haste toward the door so I wouldn’t join him on the bed and take him up on his obscene offer. I fought every instinct I had and walked away from the idiot. While his ego was definitely enormous, he was correct that his Johnson-man-tool matched. “I’m done with meaningless sex with jackholes who break the rules and reveal their actual name.”

“You sound like a man,” Archer said, rising from the bed and approaching me. “Dare I ask if you’ve been using me?”

“Like you haven’t done the same?” I demanded, feeling a bit shaky and way out of my depth. Real emotions were not something I was comfortable dealing with. Aside from my sisters, no one broke through my well cared for shell. I was not letting this one in.

“Touché,” Archer whispered, brushing against my body as he passed me and opened the door of the suite.

The tone of his voice was far too smug for my liking and every word that left his lips sounded like sex. My skin tingled where he’d made contact and I wanted to punch him in the nuts. I’d just had more orgasms than legally allowed by any species. How did I still want this conceited idiot? I needed my head examined. Pronto.

“I’ll see you soon,” Archer promised.

“I wouldn’t put any gold coins on that,” I informed him with syrupy sarcasm dripping from each word.

“Oh you exquisite, emerald-haired Mermaid, there’s much you don’t know about me,” he explained as he took my chin in his large hand and raised my green eyes to his blue. “I adore a challenge. You are a challenge. We’re not even close to done yet.”

“Actually we are, jackhole,” I whispered, caught in his ridiculously hypnotic gaze.

“Next time we meet, you will tell me your name.”

“Don’t bet on it.”

His laugh went all through me and my eyes narrowed to slits. He would not have the last word.

“Sheena, Sheena, Sheena… I’m an excellent gambler—and I never lose.”

And on that note, the dumbass disappeared in a blast of red and silver glittering mist.

Damn it. He’d gotten the last word in. Again. Plus, I was now covered in red and silver glitter. I looked like a freakin’ Christmas tree with my emerald green hair full of his red and silver sparkles. It would take weeks to get all of this crap out of my long, wild curls.

Now wasn’t the best time to resemble a glittering holiday shrub since my sister was getting married in a week. Whatever. I’d play it off like I was working a new, albeit ridiculous, look. I’m a Mermaid. We’re all colorful. No two were alike and our eyes matched our hair. I had emerald green. Tallulah had lavender. Ariel had blue and Madison had pink. A little extra red and silver thrown in wouldn’t be a big deal.

Sitting down on the bed of sin, I sighed. What was I doing with my immortal life? Was bumping uglies with an asshat who had an ego the size of a cruise ship all I had to look forward to?

Problem was I was beginning to like the smug imbecile more than I should. And that was exactly why I would never see him again.

I didn’t need complications like Archer and his Johnson-man-tool. I didn’t even know what kind of immortal he was. For all I knew, he was a Dragon or something even worse.

Whatever he was, he was dangerous. And while I was all for a great physical battle, a battle of the heart wasn’t my cup of tea or bottle of rum, to be more accurate with my drink of choice.

I was a kickass Mermaid warrior with a family who adored me. I was done with jackholes. I would just go back to the Mystical Isle and run our tourist trap for humans.

I would play poker with the Pirates so they wouldn’t scar the paying guests for life by teaching yoga and putting their nards in their mouths because they were absurdly limber.

I’d swim in my beloved ocean.

I would catch up on all my favorite TV shows and I would try to hang out with the stinky Sea Hags without wearing a nose plug.

And if bad guys showed up, I would defend everything and everyone I loved.

That sounded… safe. It also sounded pathetic.

Whatever.

It was my life and I owned it. Letting an egotistical idiot with an enormous Johnson-man-tool into my little world wasn’t going to happen.

Ever.

Never.

Never ever.

1

MISTY

“MISTY? Do you think this makes my arse look big?” Pirate Doug inquired, admiring himself from all possible angles in the full-length mirror.

“I think it’s outstanding,” Poseidon shouted as he finished off the bottle of rum he’d been nursing for all of five minutes. “As your slightly inebriated father and the God of the Seven Seas, I approve.”

Twisting my hair in my fingers, I stared at the two idiots in shock. I really should say something. I didn’t know whether to laugh or throw up in my mouth. I couldn’t believe Pirate Doug was taking fashion advice from the style impaired God of the Sea. The very same dummy who thought wearing what amounted to a man-sized diaper was acceptable.

I paced the small conference room in the resort as I debated my next move. Normally the colorful room calmed my nerves, but not today. At the moment, it was filled with mirrors for Pirate Doug’s fitting and at every turn all I could see was his appalling choice of wedding ensemble.

Running my hands over the shiny, sea glass encrusted table, I groaned. This was a scary start to the day. Crap.

The shirt was truly heinous—flabbergastingly horrifying. The sleeves alone had more material in them than all of the clothes in my closet put together times ten.

And the breeches? I couldn’t even explain the breeches with words.

Granted I wore bikini tops and sarongs most of the time, but I’m a Mermaid, that’s the typical uniform of my kind.

How in the love of everything fishy had I been assigned to help my soon to be brother-in-law choose his wedding attire? Was this payback for hiring a Squidward impersonator to strip at the bachelorette party?

I thought that was hilarious. We needed a little levity. All this lovey-dovey stuff was starting to give me hives. I knew I could have gotten out of the task completely, but anything to keep my mind off of Archer the rule breaker with the fabulous Johnson-man-tool was a good thing at the moment. His freakin’ glitter was still in my hair and on my skin. No matter how many times I bathed, the sparkly reminder of the jackhole wouldn’t go away.

Two of my sisters were now down for the count and wildly in love with dolts. Tallulah had mated with the questionably intelligent Pirate who was now twirling circles in front of the mirror checking out his arse.

And Ariel aka Joan had mated with the Selkie, Keith, who had the maturity level of a third grade human boy.

What in the chicken of the sea was the world coming to? Love was all kinds of ridiculous.

“I think my breeches might be too long,” Pirate Doug muttered as he rolled up one of the lacy legs above his knee.

“If it were me, I wouldn’t wear breeches at all,” Poseidon volunteered. “Less to take off for the wedding night. I say… Let your Johnson breathe.”

“Fine point, well made, Pappy,” Pirate Doug bellowed and magically removed his breeches with a wave of his hand.

Quickly, I snapped my fingers and put the breeches right back on him. I had no desire to see his butt or family jewels. It was enough to have to see the puffy-sleeved nightmare he thought passed as a shirt. Seeing his Johnson was entirely out of the question.

I should just tell him. Or maybe I should wiggle my fingers and set the ensemble on fire. I mean, he was a five-hundred-year-old Vampire Pirate after all. If he lost an appendage or two in the blaze, it would regenerate.

Nope. I should just keep my lips sealed and my itchy zapping finger to myself.

But wait…Wouldn’t I want one of my sisters to say something if the situation was reversed?

Yes. Yes, I would.

I pointed at his shirt. “You can’t wear that,” I blurted out. “You look like a weird drag queen in a lacy bed sheet with no freakin’ hands.”

“And this is a problem?” Pirate Doug inquired, completely perplexed.

The idiot raised his arms in the air and completely obscured most of his large frame due to the sheer volume of the puffy sleeves.

“Yessssss, it’s a problem,” I huffed. “Your shirt—and I hesitate to even call it that—is at least five times poofier than Tallulah’s dress. You should not look more feminine than your bride. You feel me?”

“So you’re saying it does make my arse look big?” he asked.

Closing my eyes and breathing in deeply through my nose, I nodded my head slowly. Maybe appealing to his vanity would do the trick.

“Yes, your arse looks… umm… enormous in that shirt—bulbous, ginormous, grotesque. I’d even go so far to say offensive,” I added.

“Thank you,” Pirate Doug said with a wide grin on his stupidly handsome face.

“That wasn’t a compliment,” I replied and let my chin fall to my chest.

“Do you want to know what I think?” Pirate Doug asked, patting my head like I was a puppy.

“Nope, but I bet I’m gonna hear it anyway,” I muttered, slapping his hand away.

“Aye, you are,” he said with a laugh and handed his father another bottle of rum. “Tallulah loves me and I love the crazy, violent, swimming hooker right back. I love her more than I enjoy pilfering from gnomes—and I love pilfering from gnomes. I wouldn’t care if Tallulah wore a paper sack to the wedding as long as her knockers were covered. Can’t have anyone ogling her rack except me.”

“Wise. Very wise,” Poseidon offered as he removed the cap from a yet another bottle of rum and began to partake.

“So, it stands to reason that I could wear a tutu and a tube top and Tallulah would still love me,” Pirate Doug finished.

Almost.

“However, I think she might be a tad put out if I displayed my Johnson to the crowd,” he continued, thinking aloud. “My schlong is enormous and would make all the male guests weep with sorrow that their own Johnsons weren’t as spectacular as mine. I fear crying guests aren’t exactly the mood enhancers we want at this bizarre human nuptial ritual. Therefore, I’ve decided to encase my salami in gold foil and wear my splendid lacy breeches over my shiny pecker. It will be a surprise for my hooker when I do my striptease after the ceremony.”

And I was silent. Mostly because there was absolutely nothing to add to the appalling overshare Pirate Doug had just bestowed upon us.

“So let’s get back to my original question,” he said, bending over and lifting the yards of material up over his head. “Does this make my arse look big?”

“Umm… no,” I choked out. “Your arse looks just fine.”

I really hoped Tallulah would forgive me for letting the butthead wear enough gauzy material to make a huge sail on a ship, but I was terrified to hear about any more gold foil-wrapped genitals.

“Excellent,” Pirate Doug yelled as he snatched the bottle of rum from Poseidon’s hands and downed a healthy swig. “All I need to find is a crown and the ensemble will be complete.”

“I have one you can borrow,” the God of the Sea volunteered. “It’s enormous and pure gold, inlaid with priceless jewels. It will look excellent when paired with your sparkling gold tallywhacker.”

“And I will take you up on that kind offer, Pappy,” Pirate Doug said as he marched out of the room wearing at least fifty pounds of material. “I’m going to model my outfit for my crew of arses. Upton, Thornycraft and Bonar will not know what hit them!”

“Have fun, son,” Poseidon bellowed as he pilfered the bottle of rum from Pirate Doug’s hand before his horrifyingly grand exit.

It was now just the God of the Sea and me… and he was staring at me strangely. Crap. Was he annoyed that I’d said his son’s arse looked enormous, bulbous, ginormous and grotesque?

Getting on the wrong side of Poseidon wasn’t anyone’s idea of a good time if you wanted to live to swim another day. He might be a diaper-wearing, soused weirdo, but he was all kinds of powerful and I kind of looked up to him as a dysfunctional father figure.

“Pirate Doug doesn’t look that bad,” I offered weakly. “Kind of weird, but very umm… flowy.”

“My son looks ridiculous. It’s fitting and wonderful,” Poseidon said with a delighted chuckle. “He’s also correct. Love is blind and Tallulah will love him regardless of the sheer amount of yardage in his sleeves.”

“Sure,” I agreed with the smallest eye roll I could get away with without getting zapped with a bolt of magic. I quickly moved toward the door after a polite curtsy to the Sea God. It was time to let my tail out and go for a swim. This day couldn’t get much worse… “It was… umm… lovely seeing you.”

“Not so fast,” Poseidon said, making himself comfortable on one of the cushioned chairs. “So, Misty, where did you find that interesting glitter you’re wearing?”

I froze. Maybe it could get worse.

Being alone with Poseidon was a rare privilege, but I had no intention of telling him why I looked like a sparkly holiday bush. As he was kind of my de facto dad, I didn’t want to share I was popping a dude whose name I didn’t know… or want to know.

“Umm… well, I… you know… just the usual,” I stuttered.

Poseidon titled his head to the side and narrowed his eyes. “It’s quite magical, very powerful and extremely rare. I’m curious as to why you’re wearing it—or why it’s wearing you—to be more precise.”

Damn it, even slightly inebriated, Poseidon was a smart little fishy.

“It’s powerful and rare?” I asked.

“Aye, it is… and it’s been missing in the world as of late,” the God of the Sea said, watching me carefully.

What the hell was Archer? What kind of immortal being was he to leave magic dust that would be noticed and recognized by Poseidon himself?

Had Archer stolen the magic from the gods? Was the dork a freakin’ Gods Robber? Was that why the God of the Sea’s eyes had narrowed to slits?

Shit.

I was not going to let Archer the jackhole, whatever he was, get me into trouble with the Sea God for having put rare stolen sparkly magic on me.

But I also didn’t want to get the jackhole in trouble either.

Why? No clue. It just felt kind of right.

Plus, if anyone was going to kill Archer, it was going to be me.

“I bought it on the internet,” I lied, staring right at the bridge of Poseidon’s nose hoping it would look like I was meeting his wise yet slightly drunken gaze. For a brief moment, I was certain the Sea God looked as if he was trying not to smile, but then his expression grew stern.

“Not possible,” he replied in a clipped tone. “However, I will let you keep your little secret if you agree to do me a little favor.”

Shitcrapshitcrapshitcrap.

A favor asked by Poseidon wasn’t something a lowly Mermaid could decline. However, he was a little nuts. Why would he want a favor from me?

And why in the Seven Seas was I so set on protecting Archer?

Because I was clearly an idiot.

“You might not know this, but I’m running DIC now. I was voted in—kind of—sort of,” he explained with a grimace, handing me the bottle of rum.

“You’re a running dick?” I asked, wondering how much rum he’d had. I mean, the visual alone was enough to make me want to down the entire contents of the bottle.

And why did I need to know he was a running dick? That was TMI—father figure or not.

“No, child,” Poseidon said with a bellow of laughter. “DIC—Divine Immortal Circuit. All the gods have to take a turn at governing the other idiot gods and demigods. I lost at strip poker last month and have to run the damned thing for the next hundred years.”

“Ooookay,” I said slowly, still wondering what any of this had to do with me.

“I’m getting ready to fire someone. This individual has been slacking off on the job. You shall be the replacement.”

“But I’m not a god,” I pointed out, seriously regretting helping Pirate Doug with his wedding attire disaster. If I hadn’t said yes, this conversation wouldn’t be happening.

Wait a minute… Had Archer really stolen some god’s magic? Sweet chicken of the sea in a frying pan on high, the jackhole’s ego had nothing on his balls. Only an immortal with a death wish stole from the gods.

“This is true, you’re not a goddess,” Poseidon agreed with a nod of his head. “But the magic is on you. You must have an affinity for it. So you’re hired. Deal?”

“Umm… what exactly am I hired for?” I asked, trying to wipe the red and silver glitter off to no avail. A several-thousand-year-old god in a diaper had just given me a job because I was sparkly and had no clue what it was.

“What do you think of love, Misty?”

“I think it’s stupid. Love is for fools,” I blurted out without thinking.

“Perfect,” he yelled, startling me. “You won’t use the tools incorrectly then. I need someone for the job who is as tough as nails and above mundane fancies like love and romance.”

“Well, I wouldn’t go that far,” I grumbled.

I wasn’t cold-hearted at all. I might seem that way occasionally, but the outside often hid what was truly in the inside. Whatever.

“And just so we’re clear here, I already have a job. I run the island tourist trap for humans. Whatever this job is, it has to be temporary.”

“Is that how you speak to the God of the Sea?” Poseidon demanded beginning to glow.

“Umm… yes?” I whispered.

He eyed me for a long minute and then threw his head back and laughed. “You have balls. I like a gal with big balls. You will most definitely be perfect.”

It was clear he had no plans to respond to my demand that the position be temporary. And I really had no power to fight him on it. He was Poseidon after all.

I never should have gotten out of bed this morning.

“And the job is?” I asked, dreading his answer. I was about to learn the identity of the god or demigod that Archer had stolen from.

“From this day forward you shall be… Cupid.”

“Are you fucking serious?” I shouted.

“No. I’m Poseidon. And you are now Cupid.”

Unbelievable. I was now a demigoddess of love because the jackhole I’d been bumping uglies with had stolen magic from Cupid of all people.

And how was Cupid going to handle being replaced by a Mermaid? Were my days now numbered because a tiny, chubby, curly haired, weirdo demigod with freakin’ love arrows was going to be gunning for my ass?

Nope. My days were going to be fine. I would get myself out of this mess as soon as possible.

But Archer’s days were definitely numbered. His ass was grass and I was going to mow it.

I just needed to find him first.

2

CUPID

“HIT IT, BOYS!” Poseidon bellowed as his absurd band of Clams strummed a horrifying banjo version of the Death March.

Visiting Poseidon was unsettling enough, but his Clams… Holy Hades, on a good day they were alarming—man-sized clams with arms and legs and no discernible faces. On a bad day they were migraine inducing. This was shaping up to be a bad day.

I rolled my eyes as I entered the idiot’s chamber on Mount Olympus. I didn’t have time for this shit. I was a busy demigod with a schedule of sorts. Being called to the principal’s office wasn’t on my agenda this century, or any century for that matter.

The dark oak-paneled walls of the Sea God’s massive office were inlaid with shells and sparkling sea glass. Shimmering gold columns flanked the overly ornate enormous pink marble desk and the certifiable old coot was wearing a t-shirt that read Team Poseidon and a man-diaper.

I seriously doubted the old man had a mirror.

Looking down at the floor, I bit back a grin and was glad I was wearing combat boots. The God of the Sea was crazy. The floor of his chamber was covered in pristine white sand. I half expected waves to crash through the room, but even Poseidon wouldn’t flood Mount Olympus—too much backlash if he tried that one.

Avoiding Mount Olympus had become a full time hobby. Of course, I had my own palace at the base of the mountain, but it was far too large for one person. It had become depressing. I’d taken to staying in luxury hotels all over the world to dodge having to deal with all the other gods and their quirks. Plus, it was a write off as my job had me interacting with the human realm.

“You rang?” I inquired disrespectfully with a wide smile.

“You’re fired.”

“Repeat,” I said, no longer smiling. I seated my large and obscenely good-looking frame in the tiny beach chair opposite the huge desk. Clearly, the jackass was compensating for a little something.

“You’re fired,” the delighted son of a bitch restated.

“Could you be more specific?” I asked. Settling my elbows on the edge of his desk, I steepled my fingers and rested my chin on them.

“How much more specific would you like me to be? And what moniker are you going by this month? Eros, Cupid, Mandan or Archer?” Poseidon inquired, far too pleased to be delivering the unpleasant news.

The mossy-green haired bastard had been the bane of my existence for the last couple of centuries. Granted, he felt the same about me, but clearly I had no power to fire his ass. Although, if I was being honest, which I had no intention of being at the moment, I’d have to admit that I liked the son of a bitch for the most part. I was unsure who had voted the soused bozo into his new position, but I’d like to have a few words with them. Poseidon was a certifiably insane god with tremendous power—a very bad combination.

“I’m going by Archer this week.”

“Fine. Archer. Which part of my sentence didn’t you understand?” Poseidon inquired.

“Well, let me think,” I said mulling over my options while the God of the Sea grinned.

The man was the definition of an ass. He was over the top and entirely too extra for my pleasure. In the thousands of years I’d known him, he’d driven me nuts the entire time.

His man-sized diaper and ornate crown were farcical. However, the scepter and the band of Clams were beyond ridiculous. Normally, Poseidon’s delusions of grandeur would have been amusing if the bastard didn’t actually have some authority over me.

“Is this a temporary redundancy with a probationary period and a slight cut in salary?” I questioned, hoping to trip up the always inebriated dolt with large words.

The administration of the Divine Immortal Circuit aka DIC comprised of all the gods wasn’t known for their extensive vocabularies—hence the initials that ended up sounding like male genitalia when spoken aloud.

“Nope,” Poseidon replied with a wide grin. “Fired.”

“You’re enjoying this aren’t you, Poseidon?”

“I am, Cupid,” he replied, pointing his scepter at me.

“Archer,” I corrected him.

“My bad. Archer.”

His scepter was still poised in the air and the Clams now held their banjos like they were weapons. The scepter wouldn’t save any of them and neither would the fucking banjos.

I was faster. I was stronger. I was deadlier and a hell of a lot better looking than Poseidon.

I might only be a demigod, but I was a badass demigod. Zeus had made me that way. Love was hard freakin’ work.

“You’re making a rather large mistake,” I said calmly, although my insides were anything but relaxed. What the hell was I supposed to do if I wasn’t Cupid? I was Cupid. I couldn’t be replaced.

“I think not,” he argued. “Love in the human realm is lacking. You’re falling down on the job. Reports have come back to me that you’re shooting arrows at humans and cars. You can’t exactly procreate with a car. You feel me, Cupid? However, the group of humans that have been humping lawn furniture is hilarious. Was that your work?”

I hesitated. “Is that a trick question?”

“Absolutely.”

Letting my head fall to my chin, I hid my grin. The old man was correct. I knew it was a no-no to make humans fall for inanimate objects, but a guy had to have some fun every now and then. What could I say? I was jaded. Love was ridiculous.

And it wasn’t as if I could shoot myself and feel the emotions that I made others feel. Immortal species were unaffected by the arrows. The love magic was only for humans. That had been Zeus’ decision. He adored love and wanted to spread it… and the Great God of Gods knows he did. The man had more children than Poseidon, and that bastard had at least nine hundred.

“So how long am I fired?” I asked, getting straight to the point.

We’d played this game before—many times over many centuries. I took my slap on the wrist, or bolt of lightning to the ass to be more accurate, and then everything went back to normal. And I had to admit, this time the Sea God was correct. I’d been slacking more than usual.

I was distracted by a woman—not my usual modus operandi. I’d even told the Mermaid my real name for the love of everything preposterous and yet I still didn’t know hers.

I knew I should just forget about her. Sheena aka the-one-with-no-name was trouble that I didn’t need.

But I enjoyed her company far too much. Cupid wasn’t supposed to love anyone but himself.

“You’re fired until you can get your head out of your ass. But…”

“But?” I asked, not liking his tone.

“But if your successor does a better job, the individual gets to keep the position,” he replied with a shrug.

“You’ve already hired someone?” I shouted, unable to believe he’d actually gone and done it.

“I have,” he said with a grin. “And I do believe she shall be outstanding at the job.”

“She?” I asked, completely thrown now. “Cupid can’t be a she. Cupid is a man. I’m Cupid.”

“No. You’re a mess,” Poseidon replied with an arched green brow. “Love is a many splendored thing and I’m going out on a limb to say you’ve lost that lovin’ feeling. Face it—you’re giving love a bad name.”

“You done?” I asked with an eye roll.

“Nope. I could go all day,” Poseidon replied with a delighted smirk as he opened up his ever-present bottle of rum and threw back a healthy swig. “Love is not a battlefield, it’s more like a shack. You feel me, Cupid?”

“Yes, I feel you,” I snapped.

He thought he could beat me at my own game? Not happening. The diaper wearing jackass had another thing coming. I was Cupid. Damn it—The God of Love. Love songs were in my fucking DNA.

“Trust me, I know something about love, Poseidon. While I may never have been stoned in love, I’ve had love many times in an elevator—a whole lotta love for your water-logged information. And just so we’re clear here, love don’t cost a thing except to my sanity. I could give two shits if you’ll still love me tomorrow and I really don’t think I love you—David Cassidy might, but I don’t. Quite honestly, I’m a victim of love. Who in their right mind would want to deal with this crazy little thing called love day in and day out for eternity?”

I was now on a roll.

“I’ve never had a bad case of loving anyone and what the hell has love got to do with it anyway? Love is tainted. It will not keep us together and it’s utter stupidity to be crazy in love. Maybe I’m all out of love and I won’t do anything for love, but I’m still fucking Cupid. And that’s the way it’s going to stay, Water Boy.”

“Bravo. That was outstanding,” Poseidon shouted and offered me the bottle of booze.

I took it gladly. Didn’t matter that it was seven in the morning. It was five o’clock somewhere in the world.

“Thank you,” I said, throwing back a swig.

“You’re still fired.”

“Are you fucking serious?” I asked, shaking my head in shock.

“No, I’m Poseidon. And since you asked so nicely, I’m trying to fuck Wally,” he said.

That rendered me silent. I’d always thought he liked the ladies with as many children as he’d sired over the centuries. Far be it from me to judge anyone.

“Good luck with that,” I said politely, hiding my surprise that he was coming out to me after thousands of years. “Does he know?”

“He? Are you saying Wally’s boinking someone else?” Poseidon demanded, beginning to glow a menacing green.

“Umm… how the hell should I know?” I replied, matching his volume. “Wally’s your boyfriend. I don’t even know him.”

The Clams ran for cover, which didn’t really bode well for me. I was immortal and a demigod so I would survive whatever the Sea God dished out, but re-growing appendages was itchy and time consuming.

Poseidon eyed me for a long time as I held my ground ready to kick his ass if necessary.

“I have no issue with your sexual orientation,” I commented. “Wally is a lucky man.”

His laugh bounced through the chamber and I shrugged. Crazy didn’t even begin to cover his demeanor.

“Thank you,” Poseidon replied, still chuckling as the Clams came out of hiding and resumed strumming some shitty background banjo music. “I’ll be sure to pass your compliment on to Wally. Wally will be delighted to hear the lucky man part.”

I had an uncomfortable feeling that I was missing a key part of Wally’s story, but I had a much bigger problem right now. “Who have you hired to replace me?”

“Not at liberty to share that information,” Poseidon replied with a grin as he shuffled the paperwork on his desk and played with a large lavender envelope. “I’ll be meeting with her soon. I’m going to combine a pleasure trip with work so I can write the whole thing off. Zeus will have a shit fit. He’s such a cheap whiny bastard.”

“So that’s it? I’m done?” I asked, unable to believe this was happening.

“Yep. You will turn in your arrows now. I’ll be leaving shortly.” Poseidon pulled out his cell phone and snapped a picture of something on his desk. “I love modern electronics. I’ve got my entire schedule on my phone. So much easier than the olden days when we had to carve everything onto fucking stone tablets. You’re dismissed, Cupid.”

“Archer,” I ground out through clenched teeth as I dropped my golden arrows and enchanted crossbow to the ground at my feet. If he wanted them, he could fucking come get them.

“Right. My bad. Archer, you’re dismissed.”

My mouth dropped open. The son of a bitch was serious. Maybe the lawn furniture and cars were a little much after all.

“Fine,” I muttered. “Good luck to my successor. She will most definitely fail.”

“We shall see, won’t we?” he replied smoothly and stood to leave. “I’ll be back in a week. We will discuss a new career for you. You’ve become far too jaded to understand and promote love.”

“And if she fails at my job?” I pressed, ignoring the jaded part, which unfortunately was true.

“Then we will revisit the termination.”

On that cryptic note, the green-haired thorn in my side disappeared, along with his talent free Clams and my arrows and crossbow. I snapped my fingers and turned the sand orange.

When he returned he’d be pissed, but I didn’t give a damn.

I’d just been fired from the only job I’d ever had. Unreal. I was half expecting him to show back up and tell me I’d been punked, but he didn’t. No, he was off to visit my replacement.

Wandering around the grandiose office, I stopped at his pink desk and glanced down. An evil smile pulled at my lips as I examined his correspondence. The soused dummy didn’t cover his tracks very well. On top of the pile was an invitation—a wedding invitation addressed to him and Wally, his new pal.

Bingo.

Clearly, this was the pleasure part the Sea God was combining with business. The dates fit and now I had the location. He was going to his son’s wedding on the Mystical Isle. A little odd that immortals were having a human ritual, but then again Pirate Doug was a piece of work just like his father. Whatever. Not my problem if the son of a jackass wanted to tie himself to love.

I was always amazed at how many immortals mated. We lived forever—literally. Nothing lasts forever. Nothing.

Thankfully, I was far too smart to get tied down and now I had a mission. I was about to pay a visit to my replacement. I just needed to get there and find her before Poseidon did. Being as irresistible as I was, this should be a quick job. I’d make her fall for me so she’d pass on the job.

Bing. Bang. Boom. Done.

I was the only Cupid and I had plans stay that way.

I was about to give love a very bad name.

3

MISTY

“HOW IN THE chicken of the freakin’ sea do I get myself into ginormous and potentially life ending messes like this?” I muttered to myself as I paced my suite at our somewhat successful beachfront resort.

The need to crawl out of my skin was intense. If I had the time, I’d dive into the ocean and swim with the sharks for a week straight. It would be far safer than the job I was being commanded to accept.

However, I didn’t have the luxury of time right now. Tallulah’s wedding was fast approaching and I had a shitshow of my own to deal with.

Glancing in the mirror, I grimaced at the red and silver sparkles that still dusted my hair and skin. Thankfully my sisters thought it was awesome and that I was rocking a fabulous new look. If the damned glitter hadn’t forced me into taking a horrific job I didn’t want and wasn’t qualified for, I might have agreed with them.

Archer was going to pay for this—big time. Johnson-man-tools, no matter how nice… or large… were not worth this kind of trouble.

Normally, my cozy, sea foam green suite gave me solace. The overstuffed velvet couches in shades of celery and peach calmed my busy mind. The colorful pillows, chenille throws and the sheer palest green curtains that framed the floor to ceiling windows made me happy—but not today.

Nope. Today I was Mermaid who may as well not have fins or a tail. I’d been handed a job by an inebriated Sea God that I had no intention of taking all just because I’d gotten laid by an asshat ten times in six hours. But that was entirely beside the point. How in the world was I supposed to be Cupid? It was beyond ridiculous. The last thing I wanted or needed was a pissed off, fat little demigod after me. And if that arrow shooting little shit came for me, he would eventually go after Archer for stealing his magic. Archer definitely deserved to have his perfect ass kicked to Mount Olympus and back, but I was going to do that—not some chubby man-child who promoted the ridiculous notion of love.

“Shit, shit, shit. Who can I talk to?” I asked the pink stuffed starfish named Patrick that lay on my bed.

My beloved toy simply stared back at me. He was missing one eye and was threadbare in a few spots, but I adored him. Of course, he couldn’t talk. For a brief moment, I considered using a little magic to bring him to life, but the last time I’d done that, he’d eaten the couch. I liked my couch, so Patrick stayed stuffed and inanimate.

I couldn’t bother Tallulah with my fuck up—embarrassing pun intended. She was busy with her wedding plans to Pirate Doug of the frightening puffy shirt. My oldest sister was so happy about marrying the jackhole, there was no way in Poseidon’s Seven Seas I was going to screw that up.

Ariel was due back tomorrow with her mate Keith. I still was clueless as to what she saw in the Selkie, but she too was wildly happy. So happy that she would be useless.

And Madison… well, Madison was trying to teach the Sea Hags basic hygiene.

Since Bony Velma Dustface was Pirate Doug’s sister, she would be coming to the wedding along with her sidekick, Rickety Shelia Clotlegs. They smelled like Hades on garbage day in July. Tallulah was a wreck worrying that the guests might end up asphyxiated from the stench. A pile of dead wedding guests was not on anyone’s agenda.

Madison had drawn the small shell and had to visit the Hag cave to convince them that using shampoo and deodorant wasn’t going to kill them.

At this point, I would have happily traded places with her, but it was far too late for that.

“Gods, I’m an idiot. Bumping uglies isn’t supposed to end with your life being in danger from a tiny, freaky cherub-looking demigod with a vendetta,” I grumbled as I flopped down on my bed and glared at my dresser.

The glittering emerald sat atop my antique driftwood dresser and mocked me. The perfectly cut stone caught the midday sun streaming through my open window and appeared to be winking sarcastically at me. I hadn’t used it but once in my long life. Now I was screwing up the courage to use it for the second time. Maybe.

Archer the asswipe had given me the exquisite stone after our first rendezvous fifty years ago. It was an enchanted jewel. I normally kept it hidden in my treasure chest with my other precious and sentimental things—not that it was precious or sentimental. It was the magical version of a cell phone with direct access to the Johnson-man-tool who had landed me in a heap of trouble.

“Okay,” I said, getting up from my bed and doing a few jumping jacks to get my blood flowing. “I can do this. I’ll call the jerkoff and tell him that I’m going to remove his Johnson-man-tool because he was stupid enough to steal from a demigod and now I’m stuck replacing fucking Cupid. Or maybe not…”

Threatening his jewels probably wasn’t the best plan. What I wanted was for him to return what he’d stolen and maybe the entire problem would go away. Maybe Cupid was slacking off on the job because he couldn’t find his stupid magic that was still stuck to me.

But wait… it was remotely possible that Archer didn’t even know he’d stolen from a demigod. Maybe he pilfered the enchantment from someone who he thought was an innocent, obese baby. Gods, what an ass. Why in the heck would Archer steal from a freakin’ baby?

Why? Well, maybe because he was a gaping crack.

“Don’t hint at castration,” I advised myself wisely. “Just tell him you want to meet up for some hide the salami and then when he gets here zap his ass until he promises to return the freakin’ magic. And maybe go a round or three before he leaves.”

The jumping jacks didn’t do it, so I did a few cartwheels around the room hoping that would get me focused. It failed.

“I need some help,” I said to no one.

Or so I thought…

“If ye want to get something from a scallywag, yer right not to lop off his pecker,” a familiar voice counseled from right outside my open window. “A mate’s disco stick is his pride and joy. I know me pocket rocket is mine.”

“Damn it, Thornycraft,” I shouted as I involuntarily shot a blast of sparkling green magic at the window setting my curtains ablaze. “Eavesdropping is really bad form and it’s dangerous. I could accidentally incinerate you, you dumbass.”

Waving my hand, I doused my now ruined drapery with water, walked over to the window and peeked out at the idiot Pirate who apparently wanted to offer me words of wisdom. He was crouched down in the bushes, clearly hiding.

Or he was playing some bizarre game with his buddies, Upton and Bonar.

They were at least a thousand years old, but still strangely childlike. Not to mention, none of us on Mystical Isle knew what kind of immortals they were. Initially, I’d assumed they were Vampires like Pirate Doug. However, Pirate Doug had to wear copious amounts of SPF 100 sunscreen to go outside. His crew? Not so much. Any kind of shifter species was out too since, none of them had shifted into anything during our battle with the Kraken. It was a mystery.

Probably a mystery best left unsolved.

Taking advice from Thornycraft, Upton or Bonar would be ludicrous, but…

“Where are the others?” I asked, noticing he was wearing a puffy shirt quite similar to the one Pirate Doug had modeled earlier.

“The arses are being fitted for the human marriage ritual. I barely escaped with me life when me captain tried to make me put on lacy breeches,” he explained looking terrified.

I couldn’t blame him for that. The shirt was bad enough.

“How much did you overhear?” I asked narrowing my eyes at the dummy.

Thornycraft, Upton and Bonar—or the Trio of Arses as we liked to call them—had arrived with Pirate Doug when Tallulah hired extra help to deal with the Kraken problem we’d had several months ago. Of course, my sister had been unaware that she’d hired the freakjob that she’d fallen in love with right before he absconded with our treasure a hundred years ago, but she did. And now she was going to marry the puffy shirted fool. Love was seriously blind.

Thornycraft, Bonar and Upton were Pirate Doug’s crew of arses and they’d grown on me over the past months—kind of like a rash, but a mild one that didn’t itch much.

“Is that thar a trick question, Swimmin’ Hooker?” he asked, looking uncomfortable.

With a roll of my eyes, I grabbed him by the travesty of a shirt he was wearing and yanked his scrawny ass through the window. He squeaked like a girl and that’s when I realized the arse wasn’t wearing any pants.

“First off, I’m not a hooker, you little shit. I’m a Mermaid. And secondly, where are your pants?”

“Aye, me apologies about the hooker part. Shall I call ye a harlot instead? Or would ye prefer swimmin’ streetwalker or waterlogged working girl?” he asked in all seriousness.

“Umm, no. Hooker will be fine,” I replied as I considered throwing the pants-less idiot back out of my window. Mermaids would never live down the fact that we came from the Siren line. Whatever. I knew the brain matter-challenged dolt wasn’t being insulting. He proudly referred to himself as an arse. I suppose being called a swimming hooker wasn’t all that bad. “Answer the second part of my question.”

“Me breeches are on the floor in the nuptial dressing room,” Thornycraft explained, covering his jewels with his hands.

As he was missing three of his fingers and a thumb on one hand I could see a small section of his wrinkly old ball sac. Not my idea of a good time. Closing my eyes, I tried not to laugh or vomit. After all, he had been forced to wear a puffy shirt.

“Favorite color?” I asked.

“Me favorite color is green,” he told me.

Opening one eye, I peeked at the bizarre Pirate to make sure he wasn’t making fun of my hair color. He wasn’t. It had become pretty clear to me over the time I’d known the arse that he wasn’t good at lying. The words honest and Pirate were kind of an oxymoron when combined, but they described Thornycraft to a T—an honest, semi-fingerless, odd little Pirate of unknown immortal origins.

“Green is my favorite color too.”

“Aye, and it looks mighty fine on ye,” he said, shyly with an adorable smile.

“Thank you,” I replied, keeping my eyes on his face, far above his issue down below.

With a snap of my fingers, I dressed Thornycraft in a pair of Kelly green breeches and a shirt with about ten pounds less of material than he had arrived in. Feeling generous, I conjured up a fabulous pair of shit kicking black knee-high boots and a sharp jaunty green tricorne hat that matched the breeches to perfection.

“Thank ye!” Thornycraft sang as he danced around my suite with joy, admiring himself in the mirror. “Yar not a galley hoppin’ greasy haired rope burn. I don’t give a shite what anyone says.”

Wait. What?

“And who exactly calls me a greasy haired rope burn?” I demanded, completely insulted. I did not have greasy hair. Ever. My hair was freakin’ awesome.

“Umm… no one?” he lied, turning a shade of deep red. He looked more like a Christmas ornament than I did at the moment due to the breeches and hat.

“Try again if you want to keep your new fancy duds. Otherwise, you’ll be punted out of the window wearing so much lace everyone will think you’re a life-sized doily,” I snapped.

“Yar a little rough around the edges—kind of like a very attractive pontoon splinter,” Thornycraft offered, clutching his new green tricorne as if it was the Holy Grail.

Well, that was a new one.

“Fine,” I muttered. I sat down on my bed and let my head fall to my hands. Maybe I was a greasy, rope burned, pontoon splinter. Awesome. And now I could add fucking Cupid to the unflattering description. At least I was an attractive one. “Could my life get much worse?”

“Do ye want to talk about it?” Thornycraft asked, seating himself next to me and gently taking my hand in his.

Well, kind of. With so few fingers it was hard to tell.

“Ye might think of me as a thundering bilge rat, fake bearded crab, cod faced tar stain, but I have a degree in psychology from Yale. Mebbe I can help ye with yer problems.”

“You went to Yale?” I asked, shocked.

“Aye,” he said with a nod and a little grin. “Was bored with the pilfering life about seventy odd years ago and wanted to see if an old seadog like me could learn new tricks.”

“And?” I pressed.

“And shiver me timbers, I passed with straight A’s,” he informed me proudly.

“Did you cheat?”

“Aye. I’m a Pirate. Hornswoggling is in me blood.”

Thornycraft was sweet and kind in his own weird way. I was impressed he’d gone to Yale—even if he’d cheated. Maybe he could help me.

Or maybe I’d lost my mind…

“Little Hooker, do ye have a black spot on yer head?”

“Umm… I don’t think so,” I told him. “I mean, I know I have all this magic shit all over me, but I was pretty sure it’s all silver and red.”

“Nay, a black spot is a death threat. Do ye have someone after ye? Cause if ye do, I can take care of it.”

“You would do that for me?”

“Aye. Ye is like a little green haired hooker sister to me,” Thornycraft replied with a sad smile. “All me sisters are gone now. Bonar, Upton and meself are the only ones of our kind left in the world. Yer violent tendencies remind me of me weevil eating, rum swigging, eyeliner wearin’ dinghy dangling sisters.”

“Was that a compliment?” I asked, trying to decipher what he’d just said. I was dying to ask him what his kind was, but terrified of the answer. I’d save that question and see if I lived until the wedding.

“Aye.” He nodded. “A fine compliment at that, Hooker.”

“Okay,” I said hesitantly, wondering if I was hatching a sane plan of action. I wasn’t, but since my life was the definition of insanity I figured I had little to lose. “If I tell you what’s going on, can you keep your cakehole shut?”

“Aye. I will dance the hempen jig and beat meself with cackle fruit while puttin’ me own head in the head if I utter a word of yer secret,” he promised, crossing his heart. “Pirate’s Honor.”

“I didn’t think Pirates had honor.”

“Ye have a point thar, hooker. I swear on me mum’s life then.”

“Okaaay,” I said, wondering if he’d just said he would flush his own head down the toilet. “But just so we’re clear here, I will zap your arse into the next century if you betray me and dress you in a permanent lacy romper with sequins on it. You’ll be begging for Davy Jones’ Locker if you talk. You feel me?”

Thornycraft’s eyes grew wide and his grin matched. “Ye have some salty nards, little hooker. Ye have me word. No hornswoggling.”

“I did something stupid and now I’m totally screwed.”

“Could ye be a bit more specific?” Thornycraft inquired, wrinkling his brow in confusion. “Not a lot to go on thar.”

“Right,” I said, hopping up and pacing the room. “Do you mind if I do pushups while we talk?”

“Nay, go right ahead, hooker.”

“Great,” I said, dropping to the ground and exercising like my life depended on it. “I boinked an idiot. Well, actually I’ve been boinking him on and off for a half century or so. You know, just casual—no names,” I huffed out as I increased my pace. It was harder than I’d thought to actually tell my horror story.

“Ye don’t know the name of the scallywag yar boinking?” Thornycraft asked, clearly shocked.

“Don’t judge,” I snapped as I rolled to my back and began doing crunches. “I don’t do relationships. Love is for jackholes.”

“Aye,” he said, clapping his hands and producing a notebook and pen. “Do ye mind if I take notes? Me professors at Yale said it helped to decipher the problem if ye put the words on paper.”

“Umm… okay,” I said. “Anyhoo, the idiot told me his name the other day after the best boink of my life. I promptly decided to never see him again because he cheated.”

“He cheated on ye?” Thornycraft demanded indignantly.

“No,” I corrected him as he scribbled away a mile a minute. “He cheated by telling me his name. That wasn’t in the rules, but that’s not the worst part. It’s bad, but now it gets terrifying,” I explained, getting up and changing it up with lunges. “So the asswipe I was boinking apparently stole magic from a god. When he left, he sprayed the pilfered enchantment all over me, hence the freakin’ red and silver sparkles I’m wearing.”

“Sounds like the stripey-sweatered son of a sea bass has a death wish,” Thornycraft commented.

“Right?” I said, sucking in a huge gulp of air as I upped the ante and began doing high kicks combined with squats. “He’s an idiot, but it get worse!”

“No,” Thornycraft said, eyes wide.

“Yesssssss,” I told him. “Poseidon saw the sparkles and informed me that I was hired to take over for one of the demigods that had been slacking on the job.”

“Shite,” Thornycraft gasped out.

“Shite is right,” I shouted. “Apparently the Johnson-man-tool stole magic from Cupid because he’s a gaping crack. Poseidon sees me with Cupid’s magic all over me and decides I’m getting freakin’ Cupid’s job even though I don’t even believe in love. It’s all kinds of fucked and now I’m going to have a fat-assed, pissed-off baby-man after me for taking his job. This is all happening just because I boinked a formerly nameless guy that I didn’t know stole from freakin’ Cupid.”

“Who is this Johnson-man-tool?” Thornycraft asked, looking a bit dazed.

“Oh, that’s the guy I boinked. The one who stole from Cupid.”

“Ahhhh, got it. Stealing from Cupid is a bad move. That peg legged bow bungler is one of the most violent demigods in the Universe,” he said, looking a bit pale.

“Are you fucking serious?” I shrieked.

“Nay, I’m Thornycraft.”

“I meant… never mind. Are you telling me a porcine toddler is one of the most violent demigods around?” I asked with a sinking feeling in my gut. As worried as I was for myself, I was more concerned for Archer the asshole.

Why? No fucking clue.

“Aye. Zeus made Cupid one of the strongest warriors in existence,” Thornycraft confirmed. “Never seen him meself, but I’ve heard the stories.”

And the day just kept getting worse…

“What in Poseidon’s diaper-wearing ass am I supposed to do? I don’t even want the job. I’ll suck at it.”

“Nay, ye will actually be fine,” he assured me. “Are ye a good shot?”

“Excellent.”

“Then ye have no worries there. Where is Johnson-man-tool?”

“Umm…” I debated whether to tell him that he was calling Archer by the name of his weenie, but decided against it. It made me giggle and I needed a laugh right now. “I don’t know. I’m actually worried about him,” I admitted begrudgingly. “As much as he deserves to have his ass skinned, I would be devastated if Cupid killed him.”

“Hmm… very interesting,” Thornycraft said with the hint of a smirk on his face.

“What?” I demanded, narrowing my eyes. “You think this is funny?”

“Nay, hooker. Methinks ye might like Johnson-man-tool more than ye admit.”

“I most certainly do not like Johnson-man-tool,” I informed the still smirking Pirate. “He’s the reason Cupid probably wants to kill me.”

“Yet yer worried for his scallywag hide,” Thornycraft pointed out.

Shit. He had a point. I didn’t like his point, but he had one.

“I don’t have any time to deal with that right now,” I snapped. “I need a plan of action. I’m not in the mood to be hunted by a violent fat baby.”

“Aye, I feel ye. Yar gonna need to contact Johnson-man-tool. Are ye sure he stole the magic?”

“Yes. No. I mean, he had to have stolen it. Right? I did not play hide the salami with a chubby miniature demigod,” I told him with an eye roll.

“It’s good to know ye have standards even if they be low.”

“Duuuude,” I ground out through clenched teeth. “Let’s keep my morals or lack thereof out of this. And just so you know… it’s not like I’ve been boinking a bunch of ass monkeys whose names I didn’t know. I’ve only been boinking one guy. In fact, he’s the only douche canoe I’ve boinked in fifty years. So you can shove my not so low standards up your breeches wearing arse.”

“Ye’ve been with no one but Johnson-man-tool since ye met him?” Thornycraft inquired, biting down on his lip so hard to keep from grinning that I was certain he was going to chew it off.

“I don’t like what you’re implying, turd knocker.”

“Not implying anything, hooker,” he said with a shrug while staring at the floor. “Methinks ye should summon yer Johnson-man-tool and get to the bottom of… well, several things.”

“Poseidon is bringing me Cupid’s arrows and the crossbow. What should I tell him?”

“Nothing. Tell him nothing. I think ye should take the instruments of human love and train. If ye don’t, ye will have less of a chance of defeating the chubby bastard baby.”

“Good thinking.”

Maybe talking to Thornycraft had been my best idea ever. He was smoking rotten seaweed though if he believed that I liked Johnson-man-tool… I mean, Archer. However, the part about training was still an issue.

“How do I train for a bullshit job?” I asked.

I was pretty sure the Pirate rolled his eyes at me, but it was quick. I was tempted to zap his ass, but I needed him.

“Ye sure yar a good shot?”

“Yes.”

“Ye run a tourist trap full of human guests?”

“Yep,” I said as my smile widened.

“Sounds like ye won’t have a problem then, hooker. Practice on the humans.”

“Awesome and brilliant idea,” I agreed with a laugh. “Thank you, Thornycraft. You’re a good friend.” The Pirate blushed so deeply I thought he might keel over.

“Right back at ye, hooker. Now call Johnson-man-tool and let’s get yer shitshow on the road.”

“Will do.”

Who knew a strange little Pirate with missing digits would be so brilliant?

Thank the gods for small and fingerless blessings.

4

CUPID

“HEARD YOU’RE out of a job, lover boy,” an obnoxiously delighted and familiar voice said from somewhere behind me.

“Interesting. I heard you’re an asshole,” I replied flatly.

“Touché. Someone’s in a poopy mood.”

“And this is why I avoid Mount Olympus like the fucking plague,” I muttered as I turned to greet the annoyingly pompous Apollo. With what barely passed as a smile plastered on my face and an extremely rude eye roll, I glared at my drama-loving childhood friend. “I’d say it’s nice to see you, but it’s not.”

“Come, come now, Cupid,” Apollo shot back with a wide grin. “You can’t still be upset that I kicked your sorry ass in the Olympic archery competition. That was centuries ago.”

“You cheated,” I pointed out.

“Yes, well there is that,” Apollo admitted with a laugh. “So the old bastards finally did it. They fired you?”

“Apparently,” I snapped, slipping the wedding invitation into my pocket in preparation to leave for the Mystical Isle. However, I stopped to admire the ridiculous view. It was far too good not to.

All six feet of my cheating friend was dressed in flowing green robes. Apollo looked like the stem of a pumpkin standing atop a mound of bright orange sand. The bolt of lightning my ass would undoubtedly receive when Poseidon discovered his chambers covered in the day-glow orange hued dunes was worth it. Taking out my cell phone, I snapped a quick picture.

It would be going up on Instagram shortly. Gods and Goddesses had their own private channel. It would take my vain friend a few decades to live it down—especially after I put the likeness through Photoshop and made a few enhancements.

“You do realize that I’ll destroy you if you post that,” Apollo informed me with a raised brow.

“As that’s practically impossible, I say bring it, O God of Dancing and Singing,” I replied with a grin and an extended middle finger.

“You’re forgetting a few of my other attributes, former demigod Cupid,” he reminded me while returning the middle finger salute.

“And I’m quite certain you’re going to remind me,” I said, checking Poseidon’s desk for any other useful information. Perhaps the name of my fucking replacement…

Apollo joined me at the desk and handed me a dossier. The name on the file was Misty. Misty. Who exactly was this Misty? Was the mysterious Misty my replacement? If she was, she had a rather large and unpleasant surprise coming. I would not be replaced. Ever.

“Not only do I dance and sing—very well, I might add—I also reign over knowledge, healing, plagues,” Apollo stated as he began the list I’d heard too many times to count.

“Isn’t that a conflict of interest? You make humans sick and then you heal them?” I interrupted, thankful all I had to deal with was the ridiculous notion of love. Most of the gods had a shitload on their plates.

“Yes, I suppose it is. However, I’m not done,” Apollo informed me with a grin.

“Of course you’re not.”

“I lord over manly beauty for obvious reasons,” he bragged, flexing his muscles. “And let’s not forget poetry and archery.”

“You suck at archery,” I pointed out.

“Beside the point,” Apollo stated with a shrug and a chuckle. “But my gift for prophecy is the one you should be most interested in at the moment.”

My perusal of the desk and the dossier came to an abrupt halt as I turned my attention to the one idiot with an ego that was possibly larger than mine. Apollo did have the gift of prophecy. Normally I never listened to what he had to say. I enjoyed living on the edge and knowing what the future held was not appealing. When you lived forever, you needed something liven it up the unending monotony.

“I don’t want to hear it,” I told him.

“I must insist you listen,” he countered, no longer smiling. “I don’t have a clear picture, which I find disturbing.”

I paused, glanced down at the folder in my hand, and considered what Apollo had just revealed. Blurry visions didn’t bode well. They usually meant violence or death for someone involved. Did I really want to know if I was walking into my own demise? Did I care?

I’d existed on this mortal plane for so long I was hard pressed to remember my own age. Eternity, while nice in theory, was tedious and lonely. I’d been fired from the only job I’d ever had—the job I’d been created for. Maybe it was my turn to go.

“I still don’t want to hear it,” I announced curtly. “However, I will say as much as I’d like to beat you to a bloody pulp that I’ve also enjoyed our dysfunctional friendship over the many thousands of years it’s lasted.”

“It’s not you that’s slated to die,” he said. “It’s someone you love.”

“Well, seeing as I only love myself, you’re wrong. Again,” I ground out.

Someone I loved? Ridiculous. I loved no one. Love was a weakness and I didn’t have those.

“You’re pathetic,” Apollo commented. “And you will listen. I’m not even sure what any of it means, but I feel compelled to share.”

“Fine. Share. I have places to be and things to do,” I snapped as a tremor of unease slithered down my spine.

The God of Knowledge closed his eyes and inhaled a deep breath. His body began to glow a shimmering hue of gold and time seemed to stand still for a moment. There was a slight ringing in my ears and my skin grew chilled.

Apollo’s voice was low, hypnotic and musical. Gone was the cheater and the braggart. Before me now stood a powerful God in every sense of the word.

Shit. I really didn’t want to hear this right now. If I was going to bite it, so be it.

“I see water,” Apollo said. “Crystal blue, bloody water and sunshine. Tears and feral screams of agony.”

“My blood?” I questioned.

“Your screams,” he replied with his eyes still closed. “Some sort of celebration—not sure. It’s unfamiliar to me.”

“A wedding?”

“Possibly,” he said, nodding slowly. “The clothing is odd—quite off for a human nuptial unless it’s Pirate-themed.”

Fuck. He was seeing Pirate Doug’s wedding. The vision was accurate as far as where I was headed.

“What else?” I asked, tersely.

“Not much else,” he admitted. “I can’t actually visualize that the potential death is of someone you love, but I feel it, which is far more powerful than what I can see.”

“Here’s the deal,” I told him. “I am indeed going to an island wedding for a Pirate—not exactly as a guest—more like a crasher. Since I love no one, I don’t foresee any problems.”

“Is this the wedding of Poseidon’s son Pirate Doug?” Apollo asked, his brow wrinkled in concern.

Nodding, I wondered if I was the cause of the carnage or if there was an outside force. Without missing a beat, Apollo answered my unspoken thought.

“It’s not you—exactly.” He opened his eyes and stared hard at me. “I do believe its demons causing the death.”

“Are you fucking kidding?” I demanded. Why in Zeus’ Universe would fucking demons be at Pirate Doug’s wedding?

“Nope, I’m currently boinking a lovely Dragon named Meg. Although, I’m thinking of cutting her loose. She’s not into Garth Brooks. That’s a real problem for me.”

Ignoring his ludicrous admission, I steered the conversation back to the matter at hand. “Why would Hades send demons to Poseidon’s son’s wedding?”

“Not sure it’s Hades at all,” Apollo said. “It feels more like an abyss in the ocean might have opened due to the lack of love in the world at the moment.”

For the first time in thousands of years, I had nothing to say.

Was this my fucking fault? Had my lack of attention to my job opened an abyss, letting denizens from Hell slip through?

Apollo had to be wrong. The vision was blurry. All of this could be wildly inaccurate… or not.

“I don’t think you should go,” Apollo said. “It doesn’t bode well.”

In a fit of rage, I slammed my hands on Poseidon’s ornate desk and shattered it to pieces. The dossier fell to the orange sand, now littered with shards of pink marble. The pages fluttered and settled all over the ground like confetti—each page a different shade of green. But it wasn’t the paper that caught my attention and made my blood run cold. It was a picture.

A photograph of a breathtaking emerald haired Mermaid—my Mermaid.

“She’s quite lovely,” Apollo commented absently, picking the photograph up and examining it. “Do you know her?”

Ripping the eight by ten glossy from his hands, I stared at it. My heart began to beat so loudly in my chest that I was sure the bastard would hear it.

“Is this the one who dies?” I growled.

“Do you love her?”

“I love no one,” I shouted at him. “No one.”

“Then maybe she will be fine, but you should stay here.”

Picking up the pages and slipping them back into the folder, I took one last look at Misty’s face and knew exactly what I was going to do.

“She’s your replacement. This Misty is the new demigoddess of love and that’s who the demons want. My guess from the vision is they want to destroy Cupid—hence all love. As you’re no longer Cupid—for the moment—it’s a win-win for you. You stay here. This Misty person dies. Bing. Boom. Bam. You get your job back.”

My fury almost blinded me. Something I’d never experienced in all my thousands of years consumed me until the blood in my veins felt like fire coursing through my body. That’s when I punched Apollo so hard I was certain I’d broken my hand. There was no doubt that I’d shattered his nose and torn his lips open.

“Gods,” I growled as I picked him up off the ground and shook my head, trying to clear it. “I didn’t mean to do that. Not that rearranging your face isn’t normally amusing, but I couldn’t control myself. I’m sorry, Apollo.”

Apollo stared at me and slowly a smile pulled at his bloody mouth. “While I will take retribution when you least expect it, I accept your apology for now. And I’d suggest you leave and find your destiny—be it on this plane or another. Clearly you have a few things to untangle in that warped mind of yours. Gods’ speed, Cupid.”

With that, my longtime friend disappeared in a golden mist leaving me alone with my chaotic thoughts.

I loved no one. I couldn’t. Love was a weakness.

Vulnerability was for fools and humans. Eternity didn’t breed monogamy. Everything about love was nonsensical—not that I’d always believed that. In the beginning I regarded love as the most important truth—as the greatest gift one could receive.

Now? Now I believed love was a temporary myth.

However, I couldn’t deny the unfamiliar sensation inside me at the thought of Misty dying. Unacceptable. The emerald-haired Mermaid who occupied most of my waking thoughts was not going to die because demons thought she was Cupid.

Plus, I’d never gotten my kiss.

If they wanted Cupid, they were going to have to come for the real one.

Me.

Period.

THE BUZZING of the priceless emerald didn’t surprise me. However, the fact that I’d been carrying it in my pocket for fifty years still did. Little did the caller know I was within a few miles of her, but that was information I wasn’t prepared to share… yet.

“Yes?” I said, speaking to the jewel. “How can I help you, Sheena?”

“You’re a gaping asscrack,” she shouted. “What kind of imbecile are you to steal from the gods?”

“I’m sorry. What?” I asked as my grin widened. Her rudeness was positively invigorating. “What are you talking about?”

“You know what I’m talking about, Archer,” she hissed. “You stole that fat bastard baby’s magic and it got all over me. And then to make matters more horrifying, the diaper-wearing pickled assmonkey of the freakin’ Seven Seas saw it and now I’m supposed to take over for the arrow shooting chubby butthole of an infant. It is all kinds of bullshit and every kind of your fault.”

“I’m slightly confused here,” I said wondering what the hell she was talking about. “Clarify, Misty.”

“What did you just call me?” she screeched. “How do you know my name?”

“Is that really important right now?” I replied smoothly, covering my ass. This woman threw me off my game. Not good. “Seems to me you have bigger problems. And I still have no clue what you’re babbling about or why it’s my fault.”

“First off, I’m not babbling, jackwad,” she informed me as my pants grew uncomfortably tight at the thought of seeing her soon. “However, I can see how my explanation might have been a little vague.”

“A little?” I inquired with a laugh.

“Shut it, Archer… and listen to me. I know you stole Cupid’s magic and now we’re both in huge trouble. I have to take over for the porcine toddler, which is total bullshit since I believe love is a stupid joke. And you… you’re gonna be in a butt load of hurt when the gods find out you stole the magic.”

Speechless was the only way to describe my state at the moment. How in Zeus’ warped world did she come up with this fucked up scenario?

“Are you still there?” she asked.

“I am,” I choked out, trying not to laugh.

“So here’s the deal. You’re going to return the magic to the potbellied, dimpled-assed, kinky-haired baby so this nightmare can be over. You feel me?”

“Umm… that might be a bit of a problem,” I said, trying hard to swallow her wildly inaccurate and insulting description of me.

“Did you use it all up?” she yelled, making me wince at her volume. “Sweet Poseidon on a bender at Happy Hour. If I have to take over for that chunky, tubby dwarf I’m gonna lose my debatably sane mind. Please tell me you didn’t use it all up and can return it.”

“I definitely didn’t use it all up,” I promised. “But returning it to the rightful owner is unnecessary.”

“Oh my starfish,” Misty bellowed. “You and your Johnson-man-tool are the biggest mistake I ever made. I hate your stupidly-good-looking guts and if I ever see your sorry ass again I will blast it straight to Hades—unless the pasty faced overweight nard gets to me first for stealing his fucking job.”

Well, that was something to look forward to…

“Listen to me, Misty. I’m coming to you right now.”

“No! You can’t.”

“And why is that?”

“Beeeecause, Poseidon is here. If he finds out you’re the one who pilfered Cupid’s magic, you’ll die.”

“And you care if I die?” I asked, feeling something unusual in my stomach. Was that fucking butterflies? Impossible.

“Well… yes,” Misty snapped. “If anyone gets to kill you, it’s gonna be me. Not some drunken Sea God and not some beer-bellied baby arrow shooter.
Besides you don’t know where I live… or do you?”

“I’ll see you in fifteen minutes. Go to the beach.”

While she was still shouting obscenities at me and tearing me another impressive asshole, I ended the call. Misty, the gorgeous emerald-haired Mermaid, was in for a big surprise.

However, I couldn’t help but wonder if I was too.

5

MISTY

“NONONONONONONO,” I chanted in a whisper as I sprinted around my suite like my feet were on fire. “Archer can’t come here. This is awful. If he dies, I’ll be so pissed at him. I mean, I’m already pissed at him, but I will be the mac daddy of pissed if that ass monkey bites it. What in the Seven Seas is he thinking?”

The hushed muttering was due to the fact Thornycraft had fallen asleep on my couch. I glanced over at my new buddy and calmed a bit. He was ridiculously adorable in his sleep. Well, he snored, but even that was kind of cute. I’d covered him up with a fluffy blanket and put a pillow beneath his fuzzy head. I’d also placed my stuffed Patrick starfish in his hands. The thousand year old Pirate latched onto the toy in his sleep like a small child. For some reason, the ancient idiot kind of broke my heart. The fact that he was ready to go after anyone gunning for me might have had something to do with my affectionate feelings for him, but there was more.

Thornycraft was sweet and kind. He was also an arse and not real stellar in the brains department, but that was part of his charm. Even though I was aware he possessed very powerful magic, I had no idea what kind of immortal being he was. Yet somehow I felt motherly towards the little shit. Whatever. I wasn’t going to fight it. I needed friends and apparently so did he.

“Swimmin’ Hooker,” Thornycraft said in a groggy voice as he sat up from his nap still clutching my stuffed animal. “Are ye okay?”

“Umm… no—not exactly.”

“Did the fat arsed little person show up and try to eighty-six ye?” he asked, jumping to his feet and glancing around wildly. “I’ll send the scallywag to Davy Jones’ locker faster than ye can blink yer eye. He’ll be dancin’ the hempen jig. Where is he?”

“It’s not Cupid,” I quickly assured my new BFF. “It’s the other dude.”

“Johnson-man-tool?” he asked.

“Yesssssssss,” I said, pulling on my wild green locks. “He says he’s on his way here which is all kinds of not good. If Poseidon sees him, he’s a goner.”

Thornycraft tilted his head to the side and grinned. “Methinks ye might like Johnson-man-tool.”

“I do not like him,” I insisted. “I just don’t want him to die.”

“And why’s that, little hooker?”

He had me there. I really didn’t know. What I did know was that the world would be a much less interesting place without Archer in it. However, that didn’t mean I liked him.

“I don’t have time to figure that out right now,” I snapped. “The jackhole said to meet him on the beach in fifteen minutes.”

“Well, then, we’d better get to the beach to greet yer Johnson-man-tool. Better us than Poseidon… or Gods forbid, that fat-arsed, galley-hoppin’, cutlass-flappin’ bilge-wanker,” he said, putting his tricorn on his head and smoothing out the outfit I’d conjured for him.

“Wait. What?” I asked completely perplexed. Since I wasn’t fluent in Pirate, I wasn’t quite sure what he’d actually said.

“Let’s get to yer Johnson-man-tool before Cupid does,” Thornycraft interpreted himself for me.

“Sweet hell and seashells,” I gasped out. “You’re right. Let’s go!”

THE BRIGHT MIDMORNING SUN beat down on my head, yet I felt chilled to the bone. My silky sea green sarong brushed my bare legs in the breeze and my jeweled bikini top sparkled in the sunlight. I’d even quickly put on some pale peach lip-gloss and emerald earrings before we’d left my suite. Thornycraft had been smart enough not to comment. He’d seen me in action when I was pissed too many times.

At least I’d had my wits about me enough to magically conjure up a bunch of shark infested water signs. The paying human guests skedaddled off the beach so fast it made me giggle. Thankfully the rest of my family and soon-to-be family were busy with wedding preparations. The beach was deserted except for Thornycraft and me.

“Do ye think the pontoon splinter is gonna return the stolen enchantment to the bulbous baby?” Thornycraft asked as he scanned the ocean with his spyglass.

“He said it wasn’t necessary,” I told him as I too scanned the horizon.

My stomach was in knots. I’d had secret fantasies about Archer coming to the Mystical Isle for decades, but they didn’t include hiding from Poseidon and potentially having to take on a furious Cupid.

“Is he an eejit?” Thornycraft questioned logically.

“Yep. A complete butt waffle eejit,” I confirmed.

“Noted,” my buddy said. “Ahoy Hooker! I see the rapscallion on the horizon comin’ in fast.”

I looked out across the water and saw nothing. “Give me that,” I said, grabbing the spyglass. Sure enough Archer was headed right toward us.

Wait. What in the seahorse was he riding?

“Is he riding a dolphin?” I questioned, handing the spyglass back to Thornycraft.

“Aye,” he said with a chuckle as he peered into his telescope. “Johnson-man-tool is indeed riding a dolphin.”

“What kind of self-respecting immortal rides a freakin’ dolphin?” I muttered.

“Well, me guess would be a landlubber,” Thornycraft surmised with a laugh. “Mebbe the tool can’t swim.”

“Well, that would certainly suck,” I said, shaking my head.

“Why does that bother ye, little Hooker?”

“Because then he wouldn’t be able to fro…” I slapped my hand over my mouth before I said frolic in the ocean with me.

I didn’t want to frolic in the ocean with Archer. I simply wanted to boink him occasionally and not know his freakin’ name.

But those days were over. He’d proved himself too stupid to live by stealing Cupid’s magic. No more boinking for us, unless we could fit a quickie in before the two-ton-toddler attacked.

Nope. No boinking Archer. Archer was my enemy. He refused to give the magic back to the bulbous baby therefore he was on the shit list. However, I still didn’t want him to die. Suffer a little, but not die.

“Are ye gonna hide the thievin’ scoundrel?” Thornycraft asked.

“Nope,” I replied, wiggling my fingers and warming up my hands in preparation for an ass blast of epic proportions. “I’m gonna zap the shit out of him and send him packing.”

“Because ye like him and want to keep the cargo thievin’ stern fouler safe?” the Pirate asked, biting back a smile.

“Yes. NO,” I shouted, giving Thornycraft the evil eyeball. “Because I don’t like him and want to keep him safe. There is a distinct difference.”

“Aye,” he said with a naughty little smirk. “Would ye like to give the cutlass flappin’ fish stink a nice welcome to the Mystical Isle?”

“What exactly do you have in mind?” I asked, giggling at the look on his face and his insulting description of Archer.

“Ye can communicate with the dolphins?”

“I can. As a matter of fact the local pod owes me a favor.”

“Then mebbe ye should find out if Johnson-man-tool can swim with the fishies. Mebbe that thar dolphin is tired of carrying a flounderin’ barrel bellied son of a sea slug on his back.”

“I like the way you think, Thornycraft,” I said with a laugh.

Closing my eyes and zoning in on the underwater sound waves, I located the exact creature I was looking for. With a wave of my hand and a silent request, the pilfering nard went flying off the dolphin with a stream of delightful expletives. It was awesome. He hit the water like a drunk human doing a belly flop off the high dive.

“Looks like Johnson-man-tool can swim,” Thornycraft pointed out with a laugh.

“It certainly does,” I replied, wondering how angry he’d be when he hit the shore.

Whatever. I was just getting started.

6

CUPID

“SON OF A BITCH,” I roared as I flew through the air and hit the waves with a solid crash.

The dolphin I’d been riding nodded its head in regret, burst out a few whistles and clicks and swam away.

What a fucking day. First, I get fired and now I get thrown from one of my favorite forms of transportation. Today was a day of shitty firsts for me.

Shaking my head, I simply grinned and watched my ride dive beneath the waves. It hadn’t been the dolphin’s fault. Nope, another force was in charge at the moment.

“Well played, Mermaid,” I whispered as I turned my attention to the beach and began to swim toward it.

It was abundantly clear that my Mermaid was still displeased with me, if my ungraceful water landing was anything to go by. It was probably unwise to have ridden the dolphin anyway. Cupid was very well known for riding dolphins. I didn’t want to overplay my hand just yet.

Treading water about a hundred yards out, I stared at the breathtaking vision on the beach. My damned heart started to beat an erratic rhythm in my chest as I watched her do some impressive jumping jacks and lunges. My guess was that she was warming up to do me some damage. I suppose I’d earned it, but I much rather release our tension with some carnal exercise. However, my Mermaid wasn’t alone.

No—definitely not alone. And if my eyes weren’t deceiving me, she was standing with a very rare species of immortal dressed as a Pirate. A species I’d assumed to be extinct. Never assume… makes an ass out of you or me… I’d honestly thought they’d all gone back to their own plane of existence never to return, but clearly I was incorrect. Rumor had it that Pirate Doug had befriended them, but I hadn’t believed it to be true. As Pirate Doug was completely out of his indisputably dim mind, it shouldn’t surprise me.

Interesting.

Whatever. If demons were indeed coming, the immortal on the beach could come in handy. It was shaping up to be a fascinating few days.

The grin on Misty’s face was delightfully rude and made my submerged JMT stand at attention. Her green eyes flashed and sparkled in the sun. And her body? Her body simply defied description—absolutely perfect. Gods, she was gorgeous. Turnabout was fair play and I was ready to play.

“Help,” I shouted as I let my large frame sink beneath the waves. “Can’t swim,” I lied right before I went under.

Of course, I could swim. I was a freakin’ demigod. I could hold my breath for a damned month, but my Mermaid didn’t know that nifty fact.

“Shit bells and seashells,” I heard her shriek. I watched from under the water as she dashed into the ocean. Her legs morphed into a shimmering and powerful emerald green tail. The Mermaid’s magic was mesmerizing. Misty swam towards me like a torpedo shot out of a submarine. My stomach flipped with the odd sensation of fucking butterflies again. I must be hungry—no other explanation for it.

“You are the worst decision I’ve ever made,” Misty bitched as she dragged me through the water and onto shore. “I need my freakin’ head examined. I really have to stop boinking nards.”

I was dumped unceremoniously on the sand and I could feel two sets of eyes peering at me. Holding my breath, I kept my eyes closed. Playing dead had never been so fun.

“What in chicken of the sea am I supposed to do with him now?” Misty demanded as she gently brushed my wet hair from my face. “Is he dead?”

“Nay, but mebbe ye should give him a little mouth to mouth resuscitation just to be safe.”

I was liking the Pirate. A lot. My Mermaid’s scent was intoxicating. It was all I could do to stay motionless.

“Absolutely not,” Misty hissed. “If I kiss him, I own him and I don’t want him.”

Ahhhh, so that was why my Mermaid had never kissed me in a half century. The caveat was that her kiss wouldn’t work on me as I was demigod. I’d definitely be setting that little misunderstanding straight very soon.

“Alrighty then, me suggestion would be to zap his arse till the cod faced tar stain wakes up and then zap the green gilled sea rat again til he leaves.”

And now I didn’t like the Pirate quite as much.

“That seems kind of harsh—not that the nard hole doesn’t deserve it, but…”

“But what, little hooker?” the Pirate asked. “Methought ye didn’t like Johnson-man-tool.”

What the fuck did he just call me? It took everything I had not to laugh or punch him in the head.

“I don’t. He’s all kinds of awful and he…” Misty insisted and then gasped with dismay. “Great smelly balls of seaweed on fire, Poseidon’s coming! Help me cover Johnson-man-tool in sand. NOW.”

And that’s when I was buried alive. Playing dead had never been so fucking stupid. However, I didn’t want the inebriated God of the Sea to know I was here either. I kept my eyes shut and my mouth closed.

“Can he breathe under there?” Misty whispered.

“Do ye care?”

“Thornycraft, just because he’s an assmonkey and stole from a fat assed, porky butt demigod who wants me dead doesn’t mean I want to suffocate him. I’d far rather beat the living stuffing out of him while he’s awake enough to know who’s kicking his ass. I have ethics. You feel me?”

“Aye,” Thornycraft said. “Ye are a true warrior, swimmin’ hooker. Would ye like me to sit on the Johnson-man-tool mound just in case the frigate dodgin’ riff-raff wakes up? I can stab him with me cutlass if he moves.”

“Good plan,” she whispered as I heard Poseidon draw nearer. “Just don’t kill him. I get to do that. And keep a healthy distance from his jewels.”

“Aye,” the Pirate said with a chuckle. “I’ll steer clear of the salt crusted scallywag’s tallywhacker.”

Vowing not to move so I didn’t get stabbed by a Pirate was doable. With Poseidon now entering the picture, things were going to get interesting. Staying still might be more difficult than I’d hoped. Thankfully I’d heal quickly from a stab wound and it was nice to know that Misty wanted to spare my Johnson and the boys.

“Misty! Or should I say… Cupid,” Poseidon shouted with glee. “I have your weapons. Nice sandcastle—little misshapen, awkward, and pathetic, but nice.”

Damn it, could the old coot see me? Impossible. Misty and her pet Pirate had done a thorough job of burying me alive.

“Awesome,” Misty muttered with disgust and piled some more sand on top of me. “With all due respect and a tad of total disrespect, I really think you’ve got the wrong gal for the job. I mean, shouldn’t you hire someone much shorter and rounder?”

“Not following,” Poseidon said.

“You know,” Misty explained with what I could only assume was an eye roll if the tone of her voice was anything to go by. “Cupid is a fat assed little turd baby with curly hair and dimply thighs. I’m just not the right type.”

Poseidon’s belly laugh made me want to rise from the sand and headbutt him, but that wasn’t exactly in the plans for the day. Plus, I still held out hope the diaper-wearing dumbass was unaware of my presence. Not to mention, I wasn’t in the mood to be stabbed by a sword.

“And where did you hear Cupid was a fat assed infant?” Poseidon inquired, still laughing.

“Everyone knows that,” Misty said.

“Actually, you’re incorrect,” the God of the Sea informed her.

Thank Zeus someone was finally going to stand up for me. I was slightly surprised it was Poseidon, but grateful all the same. My ego couldn’t take much more of this demeaning shit.

“Not only is the teeny tiny bastard obese, he’s knock-kneed and has horrifying breath,” Poseidon shared. “Only three teeth in his mouth and he talks like a girl. Also his ego is so enormous even Dora can’t explore it.”

Poseidon was so fucking dead when I was able to show my face again.

“Are you serious?” Misty gasped out.

“No. I’m Poseidon.”

“No. I meant about Cupid’s looks—and ego.”

“Deadly serious about those,” Poseidon confirmed, clearly enjoying himself. “Cupid is so rotund that when Zeus said ‘Let there be light’ he had to ask Cupid to move out of the way.”

“Umm… okay. How did he do his job if he’s so blubbery?” Misty asked.

“He didn’t. And that’s why you’re going to do it,” Poseidon said.

“But…”

“No buts,” the Sea God bellowed. “You are wearing the enchantment. It won’t come off your skin. No one but Cupid himself could have put it there.”

“Duuuuude,” Misty said with a laugh. “Trust me, if I saw a ginormo double-wide baby, I would know it. Cupid did not cover me in his magic.”

“Really?” Poseidon inquired with great interest. “Then who did?”

“Umm… Wait,” she stuttered. “Actually, maybe he did it when I was sleeping or doing yoga or sleepwalking doing yoga. Some of those poses make me light-headed and disoriented and umm… drunk—totally wasted. And when you’re asleep, it’s all a shitshow. Thornycraft can vouch for that.”

“Aye. Yoga makes the swimmin’ hooker very drunk. Especially when me comrade, Bonar licks his nards—very flexible. But Misty doesn’t lick her nards,” Thornycraft added quickly and somewhat hysterically. “The little hooker doesn’t have a tallywhacker… because she’s a lassie… who swims.”

Right,” Misty said, thankfully cutting her buddy Thornycraft off. “You know me, I can be distracted really easily—so, so, so easily. I might have missed him. I mean, the little fucker has to be kind of crafty and stealthy. Right? He had the job for thousands of years before he got fired. I was definitely preoccupied when the flabby fucker dropped some magic on me.”

Was she covering for me?

Why was she risking her life with the asshole God of the Sea to keep me safe?

My Mermaid was convinced I’d stolen Cupid’s magic and refused to return it. But why would she and her sidekick defend me? It felt strange for someone to have my back. Although I had to admit, the term flabby fucker stung a bit. There wasn’t an ounce of flab on me.

“I see,” Poseidon said in a calculated tone. “I call bullshit on that little story, but since it’s my son’s wedding week and you’re the Mermaid of Honor, I’ll let it go. However, there is more to this tail—pun intended.”

“Nope,” Misty said. “No more. Give me those arrows and crossbow so I can start shooting shit.”

“I’d suggest you stick with humans. Shit would be wildly unappreciative of your efforts,” Poseidon advised in complete seriousness.

“The hooker was using a finger of speech,” Thornycraft volunteered.

Sweet Zeus on a Zamboni—did all these people risk their lives for each other by lying? Amazing.

“Don’t you mean figure of speech?” Poseidon inquired sounding confused.

“Umm, seeing as my buddy is missing a few digits—not to mention brain cells—I’m pretty sure he’s just playing with the phrase. Right, Thornycraft?”

“Nay,” he replied.

“Okaaaaay then,” Misty said hastily. “On that grammatically incorrect note, I’m gonna just get started with my new horrifying job and keep my eye out for beefy Cupid when he comes gunning for my ass.”

“Excellent,” Poseidon bellowed and dumped an enormous load of sand over my prone body. “And if I may say so, that’s a lovely sand castle you’ve built and now it’s nicer. Looks like love will keep that one together.”

“What’s love got to do with it?” Misty demanded.

Shit, the old coot was testing her. Come on, Misty. Kick his drunk ass. Wait…

Why did I want to help her keep my job? I wanted my damned job back. Didn’t I?

“Is it a castle or a love shack?” Poseidon inquired.

“It’s a fucking pile of sand. It’s not a shack or a battlefield or a bug or endless or a rock and it don’t cost a thing. Love bites. The only things I love are my sisters, rainy nights and I’m getting really fond of Thornycraft,” Misty snapped.

“Thank ye. The sentiment is returned. Yar like me violent foul-mouthed little sister,” Thornycraft announced.

“You’re going to slay this job, Mermaid,” Poseidon said with a bellow of delighted laughter.

“Or get slayed doing it,” she muttered.

“I must go to my questionably intelligent son now. One, I need a cocktail and the boy has outstanding rum. And two, Pirate Doug is working on the agenda for his bachelor’s party. His friend Pirate Chronus wants a Waterworld movie marathon. I’m voting for naked charades,” the God of the Sea announced grandly. “And one of these days you will tell me why you are so frightened of love, my child. It makes my slightly inebriated heart sad.”

Shockingly it made me sad as well. What the hell was happening to me?

“I’m not scared of love at all,” Misty corrected the God of the Sea. “I just think it’s for fools.”

“According to my tone deaf karaoke buddy, William Shakespeare… A fool thinks himself to be wise, but a wise man knows himself to be a fool.”

Shit. Apollo had been right. The world really was ending…

Poseidon was making sense.

7

MISTY

“DIG HIM UP,” I said, getting frantic. “I really hope he didn’t bite it.”

I thought Poseidon would never freakin’ leave. The thought of Archer the assmonkey buried in the sand and suffocating terrified me. It was one thing to kill in self-defense—like I was going to have to do to the chunky, toothless, egomaniac Cupid. It was entirely another to accidentally off the idiot I’d been boinking even if he was a nardhole.

“Call me crazy,” Thornycraft started.

“Dude, Thornycraft is a perfectly good name. It’s way better than Crazy,” I told him as I pawed through the mounds of sand on top of Archer.

“Ye didn’t let me finish me thought, little hooker,” Thornycraft said with a chuckle. “Methinks Poseidon knows that Johnson-man-tool is under the sandcastle.”

“Poseidon doesn’t even know Johnson-man-tool. Why would he think someone he doesn’t know is in a shallow freakin’ grave?”

“Me just has a feelin’. Me timbers were shivering,” he replied as he too began to dig.

“Whatever,” I said. “He can’t know that Johnson-man-tool stole Cupid’s magic. If he did, I’m quite sure there would be a manhunt—or a Godhunt for him. I just need to convince the jackhole to return it.”

“How are ye going to do that?”

“The old fashioned way,” I muttered as an involuntary zing of excitement consumed me and my lady bits grew perky.

“Yar gonna seduce Johnson-man-tool?” Thornycraft asked with disapproval in his tone.

“Well… umm… I was. You have a better idea?” I asked feeling like an idiot with no morals.

“Swimmin’ hooker,” he said, gently putting his semi-fingered hand over mine and halting my panicked digging. “Ye told me yerself that ye have only slept with Johnson-man-tool since ye met him fifty years ago. Aye?”

“Yes,” I whispered, hoping at the very least Archer had a shit load of sand in his ears. I didn’t want him to know any of this.

“Call me crazy—or Thornycraft if ye prefer—but as much as ye deny it, methinks ye like him. The rapscallion is a blundering bilge rat and don’t deserve ye. He told ye he wouldn’t return the enchantment to the bulbous hairy baby. I say, wake the pontoon splinter up, zap his unworthy arse, and let him go.”

His words gave me pause. Thornycraft was correct. What in the Seven Seas had I been I thinking? Actually, it was my inner swimming hooker that was doing the thinking. I didn’t have time to deal with Archer even though having him here on Mystical Isle was every secret dream I had come true.

Still… I needed to learn how to use the bow and arrows so I could at least give Cupid a run for his money when he showed up. And show up, he would. The squat shit sounded like an egomaniacal, wildly unattractive freak show. There was no way he would let someone else have his job—fired or not. For better or worse, I was now Cupid. For someone who thought romantic love was a joke, I was definitely going to do a better job than the porcine doofus I was replacing.

“You’re right. I have terrible taste in men,” I said with a heavy sigh. “Archer is a complication I can’t afford at the moment.”

Thornycraft froze and stared at me with a strange expression on his face.

“What?” I asked, starting to get uncomfortable. Was he still disappointed in me for planning to boink a traitor? I just told him I wasn’t going that route even though I still secretly wanted to.

“I thought ye said the barrel bellied son of a sea cook’s name was Johnson-man-tool.”

“Well, umm… it kind of is,” I stuttered as I felt the heat crawl up my neck. The unfortunate blush combined with my green hair and stupid red and silver dusting of sparkles guaranteed that I looked like a ridiculous Christmas shrub. “It’s the name of part of him,” I finished weakly.

“The peg legged bow bungler’s name is Archer?” Thornycraft demanded with his eyes narrowed to slits.

“Yes,” I said, getting a sinking feeling in my gut. “He said it was one of his names.”

Thornycraft began to dig like a wild man on a mission. Sand flew everywhere and I stepped back to avoid being the second person to be buried alive today.

“Me timbers are shivering again. Stand back, little hooker and get ready to fight fer yer life.”

“Wait. What?” I shouted as Thornycraft began to growl and glow like a firework. “What are you doing?”

“Johnson-man-tool has some explaining to do as soon as I kick his arse,” he snarled.

And then it all became a blur. As Thornycraft dug Archer out from above, Archer dug himself out from below.

The sandstorm was real and I could barely make out what the heck was happening. However, the landing of punches, swearing and loud grunts were unmistakable.

The noise alone was going to bring out a crowd shortly, not to mention the sand was turning into a mini spitting tornado. I wasn’t sure if Thornycraft was causing it or if it was Archer.

It didn’t matter. The shitshow was going to stop. Now.

Raising my hands above my head, I sliced them through the air. Sparkling green crystals burst from my fingertips, surrounded the sandstorm and doused it like it was a fire. The sand fell to the ground and the idiots now floated about six feet above the beach, dangling like puppets. I’d had the forethought to separate them and it was a smart move. Both Archer and Thornycraft were bloody and bruised. What the hell and seashells was going on here?

“Enough,” I hissed as the two men eyed each other with fury. “I’d like to know what’s happening or I’m gonna blast both of you over to the Sea Hag cave. And trust me, it smells like butt on a stick in a heat wave. Am I clear?”

“Johnson-man-tool has come to send ye to Davy Jones’ locker,” Thornycraft ground out, still ready to have a go at Archer.

“My name isn’t Johnson-man-tool,” Archer snapped, glaring at Thornycraft.

“Aye. I know that, ya thunderin’, worm riddled fish gizzard. Why don’t ye tell the swimming hooker yer real name?”

“She knows my name,” Archer growled.

“Nay. Misty only knows one of them, ye mutiny minded crow bait. Why don’t ye share some of yer other monikers? Should have figured it out when ye rode in on a dolphin,” Thornycraft snarled.

My stomach dropped and my chest felt tight. Something was very wrong here and I wasn’t quite sure what it was. Whatever it was, I knew I wasn’t going to like it.

“Stop. We can’t stay on the beach with you two nardholes hanging in the air shouting at each other. We’re going to my suite and I’m getting to the bottom of what’s going on. You will not speak, touch or even look at each other. If you do, you’ll have to grow a few new body parts. Got it?” I yelled, quickly scanning the beach to make sure it was still deserted.

“At the risk of losing me tallywhacker, I insist that the scallywag reveal his other names,” Thornycraft grunted with his hands firmly placed over his pecker.

“Fine,” I said with an eye roll. “Archer, what are your other names?”

“Thought you didn’t want to know my name,” he shot back, looking slightly uncomfortable.

The jackhole still looked sexy even dangling in the air. Why did he have to look like that? It was every kind of not fair. His jeans, t-shirt and combat boots were soaked with sea water and covered in sand, but somehow the dumbass still looked like he’d just walked off the pages of GQ.

“Yep, well, you screwed that up the last time we met.”

“Pun intended?” he inquired with a twinkle in his gorgeous icy blue eyes.

“You can shove the pun up your ass,” I said, trying not to laugh. Everything he did, even the rude stuff, was enchanting to me… Shit. “What’s your other name?”

His eyes narrowed, and he all of a sudden looked huge and a little bit scary. I was glad I’d strung him up in the air.

“Mandan,” he muttered giving Thornycraft a nasty look.

“Madman?” I asked. I mean, he was kind of nuts, but that was his name?

“No. Mandan,” he repeated more clearly.

“Umm… kind of weird, but I don’t have a problem with it. You have more?”

“The muck swillin’ fish gill does,” Thornycraft hissed.

Again, my gut clenched, but I pressed Archer aka Mandan for more. I was very aware something was coming that would piss me off far more than a fat bulbous toothless love baby gunning for me, but there was no going back now.

“Tell me.”

“Eros,” Archer said through clenched teeth.

What the fuck? Eros? His other name was Eros?

I was fairly sure I was going to be ill. This was not happening. It couldn’t be happening. Had I been set up?

And if I was framed, who exactly had set me up?

“And your other name?” I said, staring daggers at the bastard who had come to off my ass.

“Clearly you already know it,” he replied with a shrug.

“I want to hear you say it,” I shot back, wanting to slap him silly. “Say it.”

His pause seemed to take an eternity and I held his eyes defiantly. How could I have been so clueless for so long? Were there signs I’d missed over the last half century? How in Poseidon’s diaper wearing ass had I not know I was boinking a demigod? And why did I feel like sobbing?

“Cupid. My name is Cupid.”

The secret part of me wanted to cry and scream, but the part I shared with the world most certainly did not. The boinking bastard had come to kill me and I wasn’t in the mood to die. Not today.

“On three,” Thornycraft shouted. “One. Two. Three.”

I didn’t think. I didn’t hesitate. With my loyal fingerless buddy, we zapped the shit out of my enemy Cupid. Glitter and sparking mist exploded into the air. The magic sizzled and danced on the ocean breeze. I was shocked that our power—even combined—could knock out a demigod, but then again, I still had no clue what Thornycraft was. Whatever my finger challenged friend was, he was freakin’ powerful and for that I was grateful.

“Swimmin’ hooker, let me down and we’ll take the bilge water swiller to yer suite. We need to question the scoundrel before we send him to Davy Jones’ locker,” Thornycraft advised.

Nodding, yet unable to speak I did as I was told. Together we dragged my beautiful, immortal enemy to my suite. My heart was heavy and I had never felt so betrayed or embarrassed. Thornycraft said nothing, but gave me a quick hug.

I was pretty sure something inside me broke. It wasn’t my heart. I’d only given that to my sisters.

But whatever it was it hurt—a lot.

8

CUPID

“YAR A GREEN GILLED, CUTLASS WEENIE FLAPPIN’, shitbucket,” a parrot squawked and strafed my head.

What the fuck was that and what the hell had happened to me?

My limbs felt like lead and my head was pounding so hard I could hear my heartbeat in my ears. I tried to pry open my eyes, but they felt full of sand. With no idea of how I’d gotten to wherever the hell I was at the moment, I was not a happy demigod. I was all for an adventure, but this one felt a bit off even for me. Was I in a damned zoo?

“Wake up, shit shine! Time to dance the hempen jig,” the foul-mouthed, flying bag of feathers announced with glee.

Forcing my eyes open, I took in my surroundings. My new, scraggly feathered friend sat on my chest and eyed me with distrust and interest. The room was feminine and smelled familiar. The scent was delicious and poked seductively at my hazy memory. Had I enjoyed a rendezvous and then gotten so inebriated I’d passed out? As an immortal it was incredibly difficult for me to get soused, but stranger things had happened in my ridiculously long lifetime.

If I had indeed been involved in a tryst, my lover was quite kinky. I was tied up within an inch of my immortal life to a four poster bed inlaid with colorful seashells and shimmering green jewels. Normally ropes and chains couldn’t hold me. However, the rope that bound me was ancient and so steeped in magic, escape was going to be difficult.

I just prayed to Zeus that the vicious looking parrot hadn’t been involved somehow. I couldn’t have been that drunk…

Since I wasn’t exactly in into whips and chains—or parrots for that matter, I wondered how I’d ended up in such a dilemma. Besides, I’d only slept with one delectable creature for the last fifty years and I was fairly sure this wasn’t her scene.

“Cupid is stupid,” the asinine bird sang as it glared at me.

Wait. The. Fuck. A. Minute.

It all came back with sickening clarity. The familiar scent now made sense. My surroundings made sense. My fucked up situation still didn’t make much sense, but I recalled it now. But mostly, I was surprised Misty had a bird. I would have called her for a goldfish girl.

I was really confused. For the first time in as long as I could remember, I wasn’t sure exactly what to do… and I didn’t like the feeling. First things first—get out of the bindings and find the Mermaid.

“Misty?” I called out.

“The swimmin’ hooker isn’t here, ye picaroon,” Thornycraft answered as he moved into my line of vision. The scraggly parrot flew off my chest, circled the room and landed on his shoulder. The bird was wearing a purple sequined bib and what appeared to be a lei made out of popcorn.

“Yar a dipshit. Ye will walk the plank if yer wanker arse don’t avast ye,” the bird squawked and narrowed its beady little eyes at me.

Honestly, I should be wary of the Pirate since I had a very fine idea of exactly what he was. However, the bird was terrifying.

Wait a minute…

I was fucking Cupid. Showing fear was not anywhere in the handbook for gods. But that parrot was nightmare inducing. Whatever. I would fake it until I could make it, or at the very least break free from the ropes.

“I think there’s been a misunderstanding,” I explained through clenched teeth, trying my damnedest to sound at least slightly polite.

“Liar, liar, arsehole on fire,” the parrot shouted.

Gods, I certainly hoped not. Trying to lighten the moment, I gave my captors my most charming smile. It was one of my best weapons.

It didn’t work.

Shit.

“Start talking, ye bulbous, slimy fish hook. Ye got five minutes to explain yerself or I’ll let Wally have a go at ye. And trust me, ye don’t want Wally havin’ a go at ye,” Thornycraft said with a shudder as the bird yanked a chunk of hair out of his head.

“Who is Wally?”

“I’m Wally,” the bird screeched.

“Poseidon’s Wally?” I asked, unable to stop myself.

“Aye,” Thornycraft confirmed as the Wally in question took a dump on his shoulder.

This horrifyingly hilarious wrinkle rendered me silent briefly. Poseidon was wooing a man who shifted into a profane parrot? Had the soused God had one too many bottles of rum? Had Hades frozen over?

“Wally, I’ve… umm… heard about you from Poseidon. He seems quite taken with you,” I said, buying time as I skillfully and covertly worked at the ropes. “I hadn’t realized he was gay until he told me all about you. It’s nice to meet you, sir. I’m sure you two make a… umm… handsome couple.”

Thornycraft’s eyes grew wide with horror while Wally went on a cussing rant the likes of which I’d never heard in all of eternity. Poseidon was out of his liquored up mind to be after this one. The bird was more insane than the Sea God himself.

“That’s it!” Wally shrieked, completely losing the Pirate accent. “Poseidon’s pecker is a goner.”

Glowing a frightening amber and teal, Wally took off through the open window at a speed that almost rendered him invisible. However, he left a few smelly gifts behind. Nice.

“Yar an eejit,” Thornycraft said with a shake of his head. “If the God of the Sea loses his salami because of ye, yar in deeper shite than ye already are.”

“What did I say wrong?” I asked, perplexed. “I was being fucking polite.”

“Ye called Wally a man,” he grunted and tried not to laugh. “Wally is not a man.”

“Are you fucking serious?” I demanded, feeling a little ill.

“Nay. I’m Thornycraft.”

“Shit,” I muttered. How was I supposed to know someone named Wally was a woman?

“Shite is right,” Thornycraft muttered. “But ye might not make it out of this room alive so ye won’t have to worry about Poseidon and Wally. Start yapping, eejit.”

I had several choices here. Actually, I had no choices here. The ropes were not loosening at all. The truth was the only way out of this. I just prayed to Zeus’ randy ass that the Pirate would believe me.

“Demons are coming. They want Cupid. Misty has to give up the job so the demons will go after me instead of her,” I told him.

“Try again, dingy dangler,” Thornycraft said with an eye roll. “Ye think I’m gonna believe that Hades is sending demons to Poseidon’s son’s wedding?”

“He’s not sending them,” I said. “There’s been a rip in the abyss and they’re coming through.”

“Says who?” he demanded.

“Apollo.”

That gave the Pirate pause and he didn’t like what he heard. Thornycraft pulled his cutlass from his scabbard and held it to my neck. He knew and I knew he wouldn’t decapitate me. Killing a God—even a demigod—was a massive no-no. However, he could do some damage.

“Methinks ye set the swimmin’ hooker up. Ye left yer magic dust on her and the Sea God saw it. That’s why he hired her.”

“My magic stayed on her skin?” I asked, shocked. How was that possible? That wasn’t possible. Unless…

“Aye. Methinks ye wanted someone else to take the fall for ye.”

“NO,” I snarled. “If anyone so much as touches her, I will destroy them.”

Thornycraft stared at me in surprise for a long moment. Actually, I was a bit surprised as well to realize I meant every word I’d just spoken.

And the damned butterflies were back. I really needed to eat…

“So ye just go whoring around leaving yer sparkles on all the lassies?” Thornycraft growled.

“No, not that it’s any of your business. And the magic had never stayed on anyone. Ever.” I snapped and pulled at the ropes to no avail. “And that swimmin’ hooker is the only woman I’ve been within a half century.”

“And ye think I’m gonna believe that ye haven’t quaffed all the strumpets across the land? Yar a son of a biscuit eater and hornswoggler should be yer middle name.”

“Umm… not sure I followed that,” I replied, understanding every word. I spoke fluent Pirate, but old Thornycraft didn’t need to know that nifty fact. Besides, he was a little too invested here—and I didn’t like that—at all. “I’m telling the truth. I think you might be in love with her, Pirate…”

“Are ye a wanker bucket?” he shouted with a grunt laughter. “The hooker is like me kin. And I take care of me kin. Methinks ye sounds a little green around the gills. Mebbe ye like her.”

“You should stop thinking. It’s overrated.” I didn’t like her. I didn’t like anyone. And right now I didn’t like myself much either.

Thornycraft chuckled and shrugged. “Why is there a rip in the abyss? Start at the beginning.”

And again, I had no choice but the unsavory truth. The old freak protected Misty better than a Doberman would have. The only way I was getting out of the shitshow I was currently in was to make him believe Misty was in danger without my help.

“Fine. Poseidon is in charge of DIC now and…”

“Hold yer seahorses,” Thornycraft choked out, paling considerably. “Poseidon is in charge of all the tallywhackers in the Universe?”

I closed my eyes and bit back my laugh. “Umm, thankfully no. DIC is the Divine Immortal Circuit. He lost at strip poker and has to run it.”

“Aye,” the Pirate said with relief, regaining some of his color.

“He fired me for slacking on the job.”

“Did ye?”

“Did I what?”

“Did ye slack on the job?” he repeated.

With an eye roll and a put upon sigh, I shrugged. “Yesssss,” I confirmed tersely. “So the soused old bastard hired someone else. Before I knew it was Sheena who had been hired, I’d planned to seduce, betray and take back what I what was rightfully mine—not giving a shit who got run over in the process.”

“Who is Sheena?”

“My bad. Misty. She told me her name was Sheena.”

“Like ye told her yer name was Johnson-man-tool?” Thornycraft asked.

“Sure,” I answered non-committedly. Technically it was one of my names or at least the name of my dick. I was not getting into the part of the story where I challenged Misty to name my Johnson. I was fairly sure the Pirate wouldn’t appreciate that. It was a slight mystery why I even cared what the ass thought, but I went with it.

“So ye got fired. Ye found out who yer replacement was and ye came to eighty-six the swimmin’ hooker.”

“Yes. NO,” I snapped. “I wouldn’t harm one emerald-green hair on Misty’s head. I’m here to kill the fuckers who want to kill her.”

“Aye. So ye say. And why is it that the evil bilge rat varmints were able to come through the abyss and why do they want Cupid?”

“To make a really long fucking story short, I wasn’t doing my job. There’s not enough love in the world and that caused the tear. The bilge rats are gunning for Cupid so they can stay on this plane. If there is no more Cupid, then there is no more love.”

“Ye have a mighty high opinion of yerself,” Thornycraft said with a snort of disgust. “Do ye even believe in love?”

“No. I don’t even know what it means anymore,” I admitted.

“Did ye ever?”

“Once upon I time I did,” I said. “Not now.”

“And yet ye are the one to promote it? Mebbe Poseidon was right about firin’ ye.”

“Maybe he was,” I hissed. “And as soon as I make sure nothing happens to Misty she can have the job back. As long as she’s alive and well, I’ll be fine. Does that work for you, asshole?”

He holstered his cutlass and titled his head, examining me like I was a science experiment gone wrong. Then he grinned.

“Methinks ye like the swimmin’ hooker.”

“I most certainly do not,” I argued. “Can’t a guy do something nice without getting accused of something horrible?”

“Ye are gonna put yer life on the line fer the little hooker. That means ye like her… mebbe even love her.”

My gut clenched with terror. What was happening here?

Nothing. Nothing was happening here.

The Pirate was insane and I didn’t have time to deal with this shit.

“Look, Thornycraft, while I’d love to shoot the shit with you about the myth of love, I really need to convince Misty to trade me back my job for a few days. So what do you say? You gonna untie me?”

“Aye, I’m gonna set ye free, but I’ll be watching ye like a hawk. Don’t ye forget it. Ye even look at the swimmin’ hooker wrong and I will take ye out.”

“You think you can?” I asked.

“Know it.”

Was he what I thought he was? I needed to know. If he was indeed the species I suspected, then he would come in handy shortly.

“Riddle me this, Pirate. If I wanted to harm Misty wouldn’t I have done it before now? I had every opportunity on the beach. It’s quite a conundrum… or unsolved mystery… or puzzle… or stumper,” I stated, watching him closely. His kind was nothing to mess with—although that’s exactly what I was doing.

“So ye think recognize me, scallywag?” Thornycraft inquired with a small smile pulling at his lips.

“Your kind is hard to miss,” I replied sarcastically with a raised brow.

“Methinks yar bluffin’, tar stain,” Thornycraft growled.

I narrowed my eyes at the creature masquerading as a Pirate—not that I was in any position to fight him at the moment… though I was one of the very few who could. However, I didn’t like his tone or his words. I might be all tied up, but I was still a fucking demigod. “What rises from the ashes no matter what fate throws at it?”

“Could be many a thing, ye cod faced flubberbelly.”

Rolling my eyes, I sighed. There were only so many fat references a God could take without his ego being permanently damaged. I was almost at my fucking limit.

“Fine,” I snapped. “How about this one… What can speak as a human, has the speed of a lion, can fly on the wind and has the bite of a serpent?” I inquired.

His slight shift in weight and the almost negligible widening of his eyes confirmed my suspicion.

“Does she know what you are?”

“Nay. And if ye value yer immortality, ye won’t be sayin’ nothin’. Cause if ye have guessed correctly—not sayin’ ye have—it’s not in yer best interest to cross me. And it changes nothing. If ye harm the swimmin’ hooker, ye will have to deal with me.”

“For the love of Zeus’ four hundred illegitimate children,” I grumbled. “I have no intention of harming the Mermaid.”

Thornycraft snapped his fingers and the enchanted ropes fell away from my body. “I believe ye,” he said. “And I know why I believe ye. Only problem is that ye don’t know it.”

My body still ached from the magical blast and the bindings, but I had no time to deal with that. “Are you speaking in riddles, Sphinx?” I asked with an eye roll.

“Aye,” he said with a grin. “Let see if ye can find the answer.”

9

MISTY

“OOOOOKAY, I CAN DO THIS,” I muttered to myself as I crouched low in the bushes and eyed the humans at the open-air dinner buffet. “Since no one told me what to fucking do, I’ll just figure it out by trial and error—hopefully not too many errors. I just hope to hell and seashells I don’t kill anyone. That would not be good PR for our business.”

There were about thirty resort guests milling around, chatting and eating. The festive buffet tables groaned under the weight of delicious food—salads, seafood, grilled veggies and delectable desserts. It made my tummy rumble with hunger. Probably should have eaten first, but today had been a shitshow I would never forget. Eating would have to wait.

Glowing tiki torches and wildly colorful flowers overflowing from seashell encrusted ceramic pots made the early evening scene an island paradise. It was evenly divided as to men and women, which hopefully would make this exercise in bullshit futility easier. However, there was one gay couple that seemed to be having some issues. I’d overheard an argument and it made me sad. Maybe I could shoot their cute asses them and make them happy again.

Happy. What a strange and relative word. I was happy… or I’d always thought I was happy. I had my sisters, the ocean and my resort home. What more did I need? Love was a myth, and for those who bought into it, tragedy was sure to strike at some point. I was surprised Tallulah had succumbed. She’d seen what happened to our mother as clearly as I had. Madison and Ariel were much younger and didn’t really grasp what had occurred. But me? It was seared into my brain. I would never forget. I lived my eternal life so I would never be in my mother’s position. Ever.

“Love stinks. Why would anyone do something that stupid?” I whispered to a little sand crab who was playing on the ground next to me. He was a smart little crustacean. A loner—just like me and better off for it.

Carefully fitting a shimmering golden arrow into the crossbow, I scanned the crowd again. Would my mother approve of what I was doing? Yep. Yep, she would. I could still picture her lovely face in my mind even though she’d left this plane hundreds of years ago. For decades I was furious with her—furious that she would leave us because of him.

“Men are wankers, Dash. Do you like the name Dash?” I asked the crab as he dug an impressive little hole.

He peeked up at me and raised a tiny claw.

“Then Dash it is,” I said with a giggle and then abruptly sobered. My subconscious must be working overtime. Dash. That’s exactly what my father had done. Dashed everywhere, but mostly dashed away from us.

My father… the one who was sure the ocean was bluer on the other side of the world. My father… the one who couldn’t be bothered to commit to his mate and his daughters. He’d left on adventure after adventure, chasing I don’t even know what. I often wondered if he even knew what he was after.

Finally, after one dangerous escapade he’d simply never returned. My mother pined and pined for a man who believed roaming the Universe was more important than love. She eventually died of what was diagnosed by a voodoo doctor as a broken heart.

Dash crawled up onto my knee and peered at me with his tiny black eyes. “Stay single, buddy—it’s a lot less complicated.”

A broken heart would not be my destiny. Love ‘em and leave ‘em was my motto. I hurt enough at the betrayal of Archer aka Cupid aka Jackhole. I couldn’t even imagine the pain if I’d actually given him my heart. However, the thought of harm coming to the assmonkey still made me miserable.

Why? No clue. The butthole didn’t deserve my concern or sympathy. He’d already betrayed me worse than my father had my mother. He’d set me up and then wanted to kill me—not exactly the textbook definition of romance.

My Gods, I was an idiot. I still was unsure if the nard actually had come to kill me. Did it really matter? No. It did not. He was a bad man.

Sweet chicken of the sea on a unicycle, I was pathetic to even still be thinking about him. I didn’t have the balls to off the bastard—at all. Thankfully Wally and Thornycraft were taking care of the problem.

Whatever. Archer was no longer my issue and never would be again. I just wished the thought wasn’t so depressing. Forget him. I had work to do.

“Whose ass am I gonna aim for?” I asked my little buddy quietly, rescanning the crowd.

I figured if I stayed away from humans with wedding rings on their fingers I was good. We definitely didn’t want the resort to have the reputation as Divorce Central. However, The Mystical Isle of Love had a nice ring to it. That would be all kinds of awesome for business.

I giggled as I spotted my first victim. A sweet little red-haired gal sat off by herself staring wistfully at a bespectacled dude who had piled his plate so high it was humorous and kind of gross. His jello salad was touching his potato salad and both were on top of his key lime pie. Humans were so weird.

As Little Red looked down at her hands and sighed, I saw Food Dude glance over and blush from his nerdy head to his black socks and sandals-clad toes. His eyes were full of longing, but the minute she looked up, he quickly glanced away. Bingo.

“Love match coming right up,” I whispered as I took aim and fired. Hitting her first and him within a second of piercing Little Red, I sat back and waited to see if I’d fucked up. I really hoped I hadn’t. They both looked sweet and lonely. Awkward? Yes. But there was supposedly someone for everyone according to reality television.

I prayed to Poseidon’s idiot ass that the arrows weren’t visible to the human eye… I was about to find out. Working blind sucked, but it was also kind of thrilling.

Both my targets looked startled and alarmed for a brief moment. No one else seemed to notice that two guests had just been pierced in their butts with enchanted arrows. Thankfully the tools of love disintegrated into thin air once they hit their destination.

Now I’d just wait.

And wait.

And wait.

And wait.

“Shouldn’t this shit be instant?” I muttered, plopping down on the ground. “Gods, how long does it freakin’ take to fall in love?”

“It only takes a moment,” Archer aka Cupid aka jackass of epic proportions said as he settled his large frame next to me in the bushes.

“Did you just quote Hello Dolly?” I asked with a raised brow. I didn’t take Archer for a show tunes kind of guy. Suckily, it was kind of endearing.

“Possibly,” he shot back with a sexy smirk on his stupidly pretty face.

“Get lost, jackwad. I don’t need you,” I hissed and narrowed my eyes trying to steel myself against him.

His ass filled out his jeans to perfection and the way his t-shirt clung to his muscular chest should be illegal. The idiot side of me was ridiculously thrilled and relieved he was alive. I assumed he had permission to be here. There was no way in the Seven Seas that Wally and Thornycraft would have set him free if he had nefarious plans to kill me.

“I think you do need me,” he replied, full of himself as usual.

“Then think again,” I snapped, wishing the douchecanoe wasn’t so pretty and didn’t smell so damned good. “If there weren’t so many humans around, I’d blast your sorry ass sky high.”

“Been there. Done that. Have the scars to prove it,” he said with a wide grin.

Was he insane? Well, yes. He was completely certifiable. But then again, I was too. Most of us that had lived as long as we had were slightly unbalanced. It went with the territory. However, he had huge nards to think he was going to be my buddy now.

“Look, whatever-your-name-is,” I ground out, “I don’t know what my friends threatened you with to let you roam free, but I’m not playing. I’d suggest you leave the Mystical Isle so your Johnson-man-tool stays intact. You feel me?”

“I’d love to feel you,” he replied suggestively with a lopsided smile that made my tummy flip. “And they let me go free because they’re positive I never meant you any harm.”

“Yeah, right,” I muttered with an eye roll and turned my focus back to my nerdy couple that I’d shot in the ass.

“It’s working,” Archer whispered. “Good choice.”

“It is,” I said with a surprised giggle as I watched Food Dude approach Little Red and offer her his overloaded plate.

She nodded shyly and patted the seat next to her. Neither ate, they were far too involved in mooning at each other. It was actually kind of cute and I felt pretty good about myself.

“Your first match,” Archer whispered. “Congratulations.”

“I did it,” I whispered and sighed happily. “I really did it.”

“I don’t even remember my first match,” Archer said flatly. “It’s all a blur.”

I didn’t turn to him. I wasn’t going to feel sorry for him. Although, the high I felt was amazing. It was tragic he’d forgotten.

“Try the couple in the dessert line,” he suggested.

“Duuude,” I said with an eye roll. “He’s wearing a ring and she’s not. That would be a disaster.”

“Ooops, my bad,” Archer said with a wince. “Missed that. How about the guy over there talking to the gal in pink?”

“How about he’s her dad?” I snapped, giving him a withering look. “You’re really bad at this.”

“No, I’m not,” he huffed, insulted. “Just out of practice.”

“What in Poseidon’s butt have you been doing lately? Clearly not your job.”

“Love is hard,” Archer complained. “It’s tedious and time consuming. Do you have any clue how hard it is to match humans? They’re nuts. Much easier to make them fall in love with something that will last.”

“Are you freakin’ serious?” I asked, aghast.

“No, I’m Cupid… or I used to be,” he replied with a shrug.

He was serious. What in the heck had he been up to?

“Umm… okay. Just for shits and giggles, if you were still Cupid who would you have shot tonight?” I asked, kind of afraid to hear his answer.

“Truth?” he asked, trying not to laugh.

“Yesssss,” I snapped, now grinning as well.

“Let me see.” Archer scanned the crowd. “Remember you wanted the truth because you’re going to get it. I probably would have shot Food Dude and his plate. He seems quite fond of it.”

My laugh exploded from my lips and I punched the idiot in the arm. “You would not have made someone fall in love with their dinner.”

Archer shrugged and grinned. “You said you wanted the truth.”

“Gods, no wonder you got fired. I mean, I don’t believe in love, but I’m not that bad. Food

Dude will eat his dinner and then the love of his life will be in his stomach. How exactly do you think that’s going to work out for his sanity? He’s going to live the rest of his life feeling like a cannibal.”

“It sounds pretty bad when you put it that way,” Archer conceded, still laughing.

“It’s really not funny,” I said, biting the inside of my cheek so I would stop grinning.

“Trust me after thousands of years of dealing with everyone else’s happiness, one gets a bit jaded.”

“Too bad, so sad,” I replied, steeling myself to watch him walk away from me. “And I’m Cupid now, so get lost, jaded loser.”

“About that,” he said, taking my hand firmly in his and pulling me to my feet. “We need to have a little chat.”

“No can do, little mister. I have humans to shoot and you don’t—thank the gods.”

Archer eyed me for a long moment and it was all I could do not to tackle him and press my body against his. I was even tempted to kiss the fool. Gods weren’t affected by a Mermaid’s kiss. Maybe… NO. NO. NO. I really needed to seek professional help. My actions could not be guided by my lady bits. That was a travesty waiting to happen.

A sexy smirk pulled at his full lips as if he was well aware of what I was thinking. I really hoped the dork couldn’t read minds. He was a freakin’ demigod. Leave it to me to unknowingly boink a God for fifty years.

“How about this?” he suggested. “Let me train you. It’s the least I can do after all the trouble I’ve caused.”

“Do you have ulterior motives?” I demanded.

“Of course I do,” he replied smoothly. “Don’t you?”

Biting back my grin was impossible. “I might.”

The sexual tension was thick and I felt light headed and giddy. The dummy did things to my head that were confusing. His grin alone made my body tighten with desire.

Maybe we could go back to casual, mind blowing, insanely incredible sex—no strings attached—now that I knew he wasn’t trying to eighty-six me.

Maybe I needed copious amounts of therapy.

Maybe if we used fake names, it would go back to the way it used to be.

Maybe if I told my sisters what I was doing, they would slap some sense into me.

Maybe I’d completely lost my mind.

And maybe… I just didn’t care.

Heaving in a huge breath, I went for it. You only live once and in my case, it was a very long life. “Okay, here’s the deal. My name is Sally. Your name is Stanley. We’ll boink until our eyes cross and you’ll train me to shoot humans. Although, I think I’m already better at it than you are—by a long shot. Pun intended. If you call me by my real name, you lose a body part and I start with the genitals. This is not a relationship and never will be. We are not allowed to like each other, or Gods forbid, love each other. Ever. If you can work with that, we can go to my suite and start the boink-fest. If not… bye bye bye.”

“Did you just quote N SYNC?” Archer inquired with a laugh.

“Possibly,” I shot back with a smirk. “Are you in?”

“Do I really have to be Stanley?”

“Them’s the terms, big boy. Take ‘em or leave ‘em.”

“There was never any doubt that I would take them, Mermaid. I’m prepared to kill for you and die for you. Being inside you is a no brainer. It’s what I’m living for.”

My mouth dropped open and my knees grew weak. “Wait. What?” I choked out. “Explain yourself.”

“All in good time… Sally,” he said with a grin so sexy I forgot how to breathe. “I believe I agreed to the terms. Are you going to welch on me?”

“Umm… no,” I said, shaking my head and trying to clear my lust addled brain. “I never fail to honor my word.”

“Good to know,” Archer replied with a chuckle as he pulled me toward him and pressed his lips to mine. “I’ve been wanting to do this for a half century. Open,” he commanded.

I did. It was glorious and scary and all kinds of perfect.

Archer’s tongue tangled with mine and his teeth bit at my trembling lips. My thoughts were jumbled and strange. It felt like home in his strong embrace but that had to be the hormones talking. Or maybe it was because I was hungry. I really should have eaten dinner.

I wanted to crawl inside the bad man and set up shop. That was a horrible plan of action, but the thought wouldn’t leave my brain. Images of our own little bungalow on the other side of the island flitted across my vision as his lips moved to my neck and sent my lady bits into overdrive.

I sighed over thoughts of tiny little Archers who ran around a picket fenced yard and shot arrows at humans and bushes…What the hell? I would take my son across my lap and spank his little bottom if he made humans fall in love with shrubs.

That was not going to happen on my watch. I mean, Archer would think it was hilarious and secretly I would too, but…

Wait.

Whoa, Nelly! What was happening to me? Did the jackhole’s kiss have magic in it? What were these ridiculous scenarios bouncing through my mind?

“Come with me?” he whispered in my ear sending chills of delight all through my body.

“Literally or figuratively?” I shot back with a giggle.

“Both, Mermaid. Definitely both.”

I was in trouble.

Big trouble.

10

CUPID

I WAS IN TROUBLE.

Big trouble.

I’d lied to the Mermaid—told her I wouldn’t like her—wouldn’t love her. I fucking lied.

I was in love with an emerald green-haired goddess and she was going to be pissed.

Never in my wildest imagination would I have thought love felt as good as this. And if my head hadn’t been stuck in my ass, I would have recognized it fifty years ago. Half a century wasted.

No matter. The past was the past. It was the future I needed to focus on. Not to mention, my JMT was now in great danger. Misty aka Sally aka Mine kept her word. If I so much as uttered a word of love, my pecker was bye, bye, bye.

Not a problem. I was Cupid. Even if the job was now hers, I was still the original. I was the demigod of love. I would simply make her fall in love with me.

Or maybe not so simple…

“Okay, Stanley,” Misty said with a wide sexy grin. “Strip. Let’s see what you’ve got.”

Her smile made my insides do funny things and my Johnson stand at attention. Gods, all she had to do was fucking look at me and I was ready to go. I was now quite cognizant that the damned butterflies in my stomach weren’t because I was hungry.

“Don’t you remember what I’ve got, Sally?” I asked as I slowly pulled my t-shirt over my head. “Have you been with so many others that you’ve forgotten?”

“Duuuude,” Misty said with an eye roll and an extended middle finger. “In fifty years, I’ve only been with you.”

With a shriek of horror, my mortified Mermaid slapped her hands over her mouth. She hopped around the room like her feet were on fire and then dropped to the floor and began doing pushups like a madwoman. My grin widened to the point I was sure it would split my face. Maybe this wasn’t going to be a difficult as I’d originally thought.

“Just forget I said that,” she huffed out as she went from pushups to sit ups. “I’m not thinking straight. I’m drunk—definitely drunk—wasted.”

Did I dare?

I did.

May the gods protect my JMT.

“I haven’t slept with anyone other than you in the last half century,” I admitted and then swiftly ducked as a lamp came hurling toward my head.

“Not true,” she yelled and sent another lamp flying.

“Sorry, but it is,” I said with a delighted laugh as I caught the lamp in my hand and placed it on the floor. “Why is that so hard to believe?”

“Look at you,” she snapped with an eye roll that should win an award. “You’re all muscle-y and boinkable.”

“Look at you,” I countered. “You’re fucking exquisite. I would guess that you have to beat men away.” The thought of another man even looking at her made me want to blow up the island. Of course, that would be seriously counterproductive, so I refrained—for now.

“Flattery will get you nowhere,” Misty shouted. “You’re the freakin’ demigod of love. There is no way in Poseidon’s ridiculously absurd man diaper that I believe you haven’t been busy.”

“Let’s remedy that.”

I snapped my fingers and the atmosphere in the room changed dramatically. Silver mist floated thick in the air and red rose petals appeared on every available surface. The ocean breeze mixed with the scent of the roses was positively intoxicating. Misty’s eyes grew wide, her deliciously full lips pursed and she crossed her arms over her chest.

“What did you just do?” she demanded.

“Cone of Truth,” I replied. “Kind of like the Cone of Silence, but much more fun.”

“What does it do?”

“The title describes it perfectly. Only the truth can be spoken in this room right now.”

“And what happens if you lie, Stanley?” she asked.

“I suppose you’ll just have to find out, Sally,” I replied with a wink. “Let’s start with you. Shall we?”

“No. We shall not start with me.” Misty stomped over to an overstuffed, very comfortable looking, velvet green chair and plopped herself down. “I don’t want to play this game.”

“Ahhh, but I think you do. You can ask me anything and get the truth. Isn’t that intriguing?” I inquired, taking the chair across from her.

“But you can get the truth out of me as well,” she pointed out with a raised brow.

“Correct. However, you can find out if I set you up…”

“Did you?”

“No. I didn’t set you up.”

She glanced around the room and waited for something to happen. Nothing happened.

“How do I know that was the truth if I don’t know what to look for if you lie?” Misty asked the logical question I expected f her.

“Fine point. Well made. That’s why I suggested we start with you. You can test it,” I told her.

“If I lie, will it hurt?”

“No. It won’t hurt you.”

Misty looked down at her hands and her shoulders slumped forward. “It will hurt you, won’t it? If I lie, something happens to you.”

“You’re a very smart little fishy. The one who creates the cone pays the price, which is why most don’t use it,” I said. “Shall we begin?”

Pulling her legs to her chest and resting her chin on her knees, she groaned. “I thought we were going to boink. And now it’s turned all serious. This sucks.”

“Trust me, beautiful Mermaid, boinking is not off the table. I just think we should get a few things straight before the action starts,” I said casually even though I felt anything but casual.

“Fine. Start.”

“Am I the only man you’ve been with since we met?” I asked, feeling the damned butterflies dance in my gut.

“Holy hell and conch shells, I already told you that,” she griped.

“Just checking,” I said with a smug grin. “Do you like me?”

“No,” she snapped.

The searing electrical shock that went through my body would have sucked ass if I didn’t like her answer so much. I was thrown to the floor and the convulsions took about sixty seconds to stop.

“Oh my Gods,” Misty squealed as she hopped over the coffee table and came to my aid. “I’m so sorry. Are you okay?”

“I’m good,” I grunted, slowly got back into my chair and continued. “Why don’t you believe in love?”

“Umm, I think it’s my turn,” she said, still a bit pale from watching the results of a lie.

“Be my guest.”

My Mermaid paced the room and worried her bottom lip with her teeth. She was deep in thought and not pleased with the game. She was so beautiful, it stole my breath and her concern for me getting shocked warmed what I’d always thought was a cold dead heart.

“Were you telling the truth about being only with me,” she asked, looking incredibly uncomfortable.

“I have been with no one but you since the moment we met,” I admitted.

Misty waited with baited breath for me to be shocked right to Hades and back, but nothing happened. Nothing happened because it was the truth.

“Why?” she whispered.

“I’m going to go out on a limb here and say you probably don’t want the answer to that… yet.”

Running her hands through her wild and sexy hair, she closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “Okay. I shouldn’t have asked anyway.”

“I’d be more than happy to answer, but I’m quite fond of my Johnson.”

She nodded and paled even more.

“My turn,” I said, ignoring her deer in the headlights expression. “Why are you so distrustful of love?”

Misty paused for so long I was sure she wasn’t going to answer me. Sitting back down, she placed her hands in her lap and took a deep breath. “Because my mother died of a broken heart,” she told me with a sad smile. “My father thought chasing adventures around the world was more important than my mother and me and my sisters. One time he never came back and she died of a broken heart.”

I wasn’t expecting to hear that. Shit.

“He sounds like an ass,” I ground out, wanting to harm the man that had colored Misty’s perception of love.

“Actually,” she said thoughtfully, twisting her curly locks in her slim fingers as her emerald eyes filled with tears. “The faint memories I have of him are good ones. It’s so opposite to what he did to us.”

Clapping my hands, the Cone of Truth disappeared. The mist faded and the rose petals floated away on the wind. Pain for her wasn’t the result I wanted at all. I wanted Misty to know she could trust me. This had backfired and I was furious with myself.

“Can I hold you?” I asked. I crossed the room and took her into my arms as she nodded her head. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean for the game to end like this. I’m an ass.”

“Actually, you’re a jacknardhole,” she said with a weak smile as she swiped the tears from her eyes. “But I do like you.”

“I like you too, Sally.”

“Call me Misty,” she said as she rested her head against my chest and I felt it tighten with something new and unfamiliar.

Gods, there was so much pain with love. No wonder I’d avoided it for so long.

But now? Now I wanted to embrace the pain, the happiness and every other odd malady that came with it. However, I needed the gorgeous, brilliant, strong, sexy woman in my arms to want it too.

“Should we boink?” I asked.

Glancing up at me with her huge sparkling eyes, she smiled. “Can we take a nap first?”

“You’ll let me hold you?”

Nodding her assent, she took my hand and led me to her bedroom.

Nothing had ever been so right in my life.

“WELL, well, well, what have we here?” an excited voice asked as we woke with a start.

Three Mermaids stood at the end of the bed with wide eyes and delighted expressions on their lovely faces. They were literally bouncing in their toes with excitement. One had purple hair and eyes, one had pink and one had blue. Other than the hair and eye color difference, they looked very much like the shocked to silence Mermaid in my arms.

“Umm… don’t you freaks know how to knock?” Misty choked out, trying to pull away from me.

I was having none of that and pulled her closer. The sister with the purple hair noticed and gave me a covert thumbs up. It was good to have an ally—at least I hoped it was.

“He’s really hot,” the pink-haired sister said, clapping her hands with joy. “Does he have a name?”

“No, he doesn’t have a name, Madison,” Misty snapped and tried in vain to escape me again.

“Archer. My name is Archer. I’m Misty’s boyfriend,” I said with a grin.

The happy squeals of her sisters made me want to clap my hands over my ears, but there was no way in Zeus’ Universe I was letting go of my prize. She would very likely remove my JMT and we still hadn’t boinked yet. I needed my pecker to boink.

“Sweet chicken of the sea!” the blue-haired sister screamed. “This is so awesome. And dude has some impressive pecs.”

I liked the blue-haired sister.

“Don’t you dare look at his pecker, Ariel,” Misty shouted and zapped her sister.

“Ouch,” Ariel squeaked as she zapped Misty right back. “I said pecs, not pecker. Get your mind out of the shallow end.”

Thankfully, Ariel of the blue hair had excellent aim and missed electrocuting me. I’d been through the wringer today already. I was grateful for a reprieve.

“Soooooo,” the purple-haired one said, sitting down on the edge of the bed. “When did this happen?”

“Fifty years ago,” I said.

“Tallulah,” Misty hissed. “This is all kinds of embarrassing and weird. All of you will get the heck out of my bedroom. NOW—or I will zap you all the way from the Bermuda Triangle to Florida. I’ll meet you in the living room in a minute.”

“Bring Archer,” Madison said with a wink. “He’s awesome eye candy.”

“OUT,” Misty yelled, zapping all three of her sisters with green glittering magic as they ran from the room squealing with laughter.

Misty dropped her head to her hands and let out a pained laugh. “You’re my boyfriend?”

“Yep.”

“Since when?”

“Since now,” I replied and took her chin in my hand so she had to meet my eyes. “I should have made you mine fifty years ago. I just didn’t understand.”

“Ohhh, Archer,” she whispered. “I’m not capable of what I think you want from me.”

“And I think you are.”

Misty shook her head and eased herself off the bed. “I can’t deal with this right now. However, you said you were prepared to kill and die for me. Do you want to expand on that statement?”

“I do.”

“MISTY,” a voice yelled from the suite. “If you don’t get your sorry ass out here, we’re coming back in and taking pictures.”

“Hold that thought,” she said as she hightailed it to the door. “I’ll be back.”

“Alone?”

“Definitely alone. I didn’t get my boink yet,” she said with a giggle as she left the bedroom.

Smiling, I laid back on the bed and laughed. Misty might not get it yet, but she was very capable of giving me what I wanted and I would spend the next half century or twelve convincing her of it if I had to.

Patience was not my best virtue, but I was in love.

Who the fuck knew Cupid would find love?

I certainly didn’t, but I was happier than hell that I did.

11

MISTY

“WAIT,” Tallulah said with a look of disbelief on her face. “You were boinking a demigod for fifty years and didn’t know it?”

“Umm… yes,” I admitted sheepishly. I’d thought the events of the last few days were bad. However, this was freakin’ painful. My sisters were positively over the moon at my life as of late—not good.

“Is boinking a god all kinds of awesome?” Ariel asked, grinning like a fool.

“Demigod,” I corrected her while avoiding the answer to her question. The answer was yes—a million times yes, but for some reason I didn’t want to share.

Madison had gathered snacks and was handing out Piña Coladas all around. My sisters made themselves comfortable in the living room of my suite and apparently thought we were having a party. Shit. I had an appointment for a fabulous boinking. I didn’t have time for a sisterly cross-examination.

“So, correct me if I’m wrong—and I’m usually not—though this is a messy little story,” Madison stated with an evil smirk, twisting her long hot pink hair into a messy bun on top of her head and securing it with a sparkling seahorse clip. The move meant she planned to stay for a while… “You boinked a smexy demigod for half a century without knowing his name. He sprayed you with some glittery shit that got stuck on your skin—which, by the way, looks terrific on you. And that led to Poseidon of the scary man-diaper seeing the sparkle crap while you were trying to talk Pirate Arsehole out of wearing what amounts to a fucking dress for his wedding. Moving forward… Poseidon hired you to be the new Cupid. Then the soused God of the Sea fired the original—the nameless hot dude you’ve been boinking—and lo and behold Archer aka the former Cupid shows up here to kill you? And then Wally, along with your new BFF Thornycraft, threatened and tortured him and decided he was cool. Yet somehow you ended up in bed with him?”

“That sounds really bad when you say it like that,” I muttered, wanting to become one with the couch.

“Is there another way to say it?” Madison asked with a laugh.

“Gods, this is fabulous,” Ariel sang as she stirred up a second round of drinks. “Plus you made your first human match as the new Cupid! Aaaaaand they’re getting freakin’ married on the island next fall!”

“They are?” I asked, shocked yet secretly proud of myself. “For real?”

“For realsies, for real. Great for business,” Madison confirmed. “So hot ass doesn’t want his job back?”

Did he? I wasn’t sure. Was all the lovey dovey stuff just to get his position back? My stomach lurched and I felt a little light-headed.

“Umm, not sure,” I admitted, glumly. “I hope not.”

“You like him,” Tallulah whispered with so much hope in her tone I winced.

I said nothing.

All three of them stood and approached me. It felt like an intervention on a bad reality TV show.

“You love him,” Madison said, carefully watching my every move and expression.

“I don’t love any man,” I snapped, grabbed the Piña Colada from Ariel’s hand and downed it in one swallow. Groaning and pressing my fingers to the bridge of my nose, I winced as the brain freeze set in. Balls, every move I made today was wrong.

“Why are you so against love?” Tallulah asked as she took the glass from my hand, and gently seated me on the couch.

“Yeah,” Ariel added. “Love is the best. Keith is my every dream come true. I mean, he’s an idiot and all, but he’s my idiot and he’s a freakin’ rock star in the sack. I’m keeping him even though he does his laundry naked in a pot over an open flame.”

“TMI, Ariel,” Tallulah said with an eye roll and a slight gag. “Besides we’re discussing Misty’s love life—not yours.”

“Or mine,” Madison said with a pout. “Because I don’t have one.”

“If you’d stop mooning over a certain human, you might,” Ariel pointed out and then ducked for cover as Madison shot a blast of pink sparkles at her.

“Cakehole. Shut it,” Madison warned.

I glanced over at my beautiful pink-haired sister in surprise. If I wasn’t so embroiled in my own shitshow, I would be getting to the bottom of hers. However, the time wasn’t exactly right to add to my own poop pile.

“Look dudettes, I umm… like him. I don’t love him.”

“Don’t or won’t?” Tallulah asked.

“Does it matter?” I asked, staring my sister down.

Of all people, she should know why I would never love any man. I still couldn’t believe she was taking the plunge with the questionably intelligent Pirate Doug.

“Why are you so afraid?” Tallulah asked.

Narrowing my eyes, I wanted to headbutt my beloved sister. Did she really want to go there? Her silence as she stared intently at me proved she did. Shitshitshit. It was her wedding week. I felt awful for what I was about to say, but she’d asked and wouldn’t back down.

“Mom died of a broken heart. You saw it and I saw it. It was awful and it was his fault. I will never let that happen to me,” I ground out.

“She did?” Ariel asked, shocked.

“Who told you that?” Tallulah asked me.

That gave me a brief second of pause. I couldn’t recall. “Umm… I don’t remember. It was so long ago some of it’s a blur. But that is what happened.”

Madison and Ariel both refilled their drinks and sat down on either side of me on the couch. They were shell-shocked and I felt terrible. Tallulah stood in front of me looking pained.

“That’s not what happened,” my eldest sister said firmly with sorrow in her eyes. “Is that why you’ve avoided love all these centuries?”

“Maybe,” I replied, all of a sudden feeling wildly unsure of everything I’d known to be true. “So what’s your version of the story? If you know so much, how did she die?” I challenged harshly.

The room was so quiet it was eerie. The only sound to be heard was Ariel and Madison’s sad sniffles. This should not be happening. Not now. Not ever. My younger sisters knew none of this and had lived somewhat normal lives. Well, as normal as an immortal Mermaid’s life could be. This was going to add to their burden and I was pissed at Tallulah for pushing.

“She had a rare affliction,” Tallulah said in a strangled whisper.

“Yep, sure she did,” I snapped with an eye roll. “We’re immortal. We don’t get sick.

“I didn’t say she was sick… I said affliction.”

“What’s the difference?” I demanded. “And do we really need to do this here? Now?”

“Yes,” Tallulah said flatly. “We do. It’s time. Our mother was cursed.”

That rendered me speechless. What was Tallulah talking about? The gasps of Ariel and Madison made my heart ache… or maybe it was the words Tallulah had spoken.

Wouldn’t I have known that my own mother was cursed by some evil force?

Was my oldest sister simply trying to justify her own love to the idiot Pirate Doug by rewriting history?

“Oh my Gods,” Madison gasped out and began to cry.

Ariel just sat and said nothing. Not her normal behavior, but this conversation was anything but normal for us.

“I call bullshit,” I muttered. “If she was cursed, then why in the Seven Seas did our father keep taking off for years at a time? Hmmm, let me think… maybe because he was a selfish bastard? Like all men?”

Tallulah stared at me so hard I got uncomfortable. “There’s a lot you don’t know,” she said in a broken voice. “I wish on every star in the sky that I’d known you believed such a warped version of the truth.”

“Fine,” I said in a hollow tone, feeling sick. “What’s the truth?”

“Our father searched for a cure for the deadly enchantment that had been placed on our mother. He scoured the world for the one who had placed the curse. He would have given his own life to reverse it. And in the end… he did.”

Madison’s weeping grew louder and Ariel still sat as still as a statue. Tallulah? Tallulah wasn’t quite done.

“He never found the evil that cursed our mother, but he died trying. So maybe you and I are both correct. Our mother died of a broken heart, but there was far more to that sad story than you knew. That’s the truth, Misty. I promise.”

Breathing became laborious and I thought I might pass out. The sobbing hurt my ears. I wanted to scream for my sisters to stop but realized it was me crying—not them. Tallulah took me in her arms and held me tight. How did I not know this? I would have helped my father search. I might have been able to save both of them. Why didn’t I know?

“It’s okay, baby,” Tallulah whispered in my ear as she rocked me back and forth. “I’m just so sorry you didn’t know and lived with this for hundreds of years. It’s my fault. I should have realized something was strange when you ran from love.”

“Not your fault,” I said through my tears. “My fault.”

“I feel like it’s my fault,” Madison said, joining the sister hug.

“Why would you think it’s your fault?” I asked, perplexed.

“I don’t know,” Madison said. “Most stuff is my fault so it stands to reason.”

Ariel was the only one who still sat alone. That was not okay. I couldn’t let my fuck up destroy my baby sister.

Gently pushing Tallulah and Madison away, I moved to Ariel and wrapped her in my arms. I pushed her curly blue locks from her beautiful face and laid my cheek on hers. “I’m so sorry you had to hear this.”

“I’m not,” she said as she relaxed against my body. “I always felt like something was wrong, but I never knew what. I thought maybe I was a burden and it was my fault she died.”

“Oh Gods, no,” Tallulah gasped out as she and Madison now barnacled themselves to Ariel and me. “We were her greatest joys. I know this for sure. And we were our father’s as well.”

“This day has been the weirdest one of my life,” I mumbled against Ariel’s hair. “And I know weird.”

“You can love him now,” Tallulah said quietly. “If that’s what you want.”

“So much has gone down in the last fifteen minutes, I’m not even sure I remember my own name,” I replied with a small laugh. “I have a lot to absorb before I can make any decisions like that.”

Ariel took my hands in hers and smiled. “Sometimes, the decision isn’t yours to make,” she said wisely. “Sometimes love simply happens. Take it while you can. Our lives are so long and empty without it.”

Not wanting to fight her on something I still didn’t understand, I just nodded.

“I don’t mean to interrupt,” Archer said from the archway of the room. “But maybe I do.”

“How much did you hear?” I asked, letting my head fall back on my shoulders. How could I have forgotten that only a wall had separated him from a conversation that tilted my world upside down?

“The truth?” he asked, his eyes focused only on me.

“Yes.”

“All of it.”

“Maybe we should go,” Madison said. “But only if you want us to.”

Archer entered the room. I was glad he’d put his shirt back on. I felt a little possessive of those nice pecs of his.

“Actually, I’d like you all to stay and I’d like to call a few others here as well. There’s an evil coming and everyone should know about it,” he said, looking very much like a powerful God.

“Umm… are you fucking serious?” I asked, completely unable to grasp that there was more to the shitshow than had already developed.

“I’m trying to fuck you,” he said with a grin so sexy I laughed. “However, yes. I’m also serious.”

“Is this the part about killing and dying for me?” I asked.

“Yep.”

“I’ll gather the family,” Tallulah said, walking over to Archer. “You’re on probation here, little mister. If you screw it up, you shall become Johnsonless. Am I clear?”

“Very,” Archer said with a laugh. “You Mermaids are vicious.”

“You have no idea,” I muttered as I stood up and walked my sisters to the door of my suite. “Meet back here in a half hour.”

And they were gone. The room felt claustrophobic and I wanted to let my tail out and swim in the ocean so badly I could taste it, but that would have to wait.

“Can we talk?” Archer asked, trying to gauge my mood.

“I need to be alone for a bit. I’m going to help round the others up. Cool?’

I could tell he wasn’t happy—at all, but he acquiesced. Pain was etched on his beautiful features and I was pretty sure he’d absorbed my pain. I just didn’t know what to do with all the new and scary feelings I was having.

“I’ll be back in a few.”

And before he could say another word that would stop me from leaving him, I waved my hand and disappeared in a mist of green glitter.

Maybe, I was being a true chicken of the sea, but I needed to talk to my BFF. My semi-fingerless buddy hadn’t steered me wrong yet.

I just hoped he was still full of profane wisdom.

12

MISTY

“SO YE THINK ye might love the barnacled wanker?” Thornycraft asked with a wide grin on his sweet face.

“I don’t know,” I said on a groan. “Do you mind if I do cartwheels?”

“Nay, just watch out for me treasure chest. Me booty is very valuable.”

“You have secret treasures in there?” I asked as I moved the driftwood coffee table and pushed a few chairs out of the way.

Thornycraft’s bungalow was surprisingly tidy. He definitely needed to add some color to his décor, but at least it wasn’t filthy. I smiled at the array of adorable stuffed animals he had on a shelf behind the couch—sharks and sea snails took up the majority of the space, but there were a few fuzzy goldfish as well. For as ancient as my friend was, he had such a sweet childlike quality to him. I was definitely going to give him my stuffed Patrick starfish. He would love it.

“Aye, swimmin’ hooker. The chef at the resort made cheese pastries three weeks ago today. That rum soaked arse makes a fine cheese pastry—finest in the land. So I pilfered five dozen of ‘em and locked ‘em away. Don’t want Upton and Bonar to know about me delicious booty. Them thar arses will eat the ambrosia faster than ye can blink yer peepers,” he explained.

“Umm… your treasure chest is filled with three week old cheese pastries?” I asked on a gag.

Thornycraft paused and appeared in deep and petrified thought for a moment. “Ye think thar rotten now?”

“Have you opened the chest lately?” I asked, staring at the jeweled box in horror.

“Nay. Do ye think me should?” he asked, approaching the chest warily.

“NO!” I shouted, startling my buddy. “Umm… are you on good terms with Bonar and Upton right now?”

One never knew with the trio. They were like little old biddies—constantly bickering about something. It was funny until they blew something up, but Tallulah had put the fear of Poseidon in them. She threatened to make them teach hula dancing in bikini tops and hula skirts to the human guests if they kept causing random explosions.

“Nay, the arses put me phantom fingers in warm water yesterday when I was takin’ me nap. I peed my breeches. The nards thought that was hilarious—been planning their revenge fer hours,” Thornycraft told me.

“How about this?” I suggested with a mischievous grin pulling at my lips. “Why don’t you accidentally leave your treasure chest where they can find it? They’re totally nosy old ladies. Bonar and Upton won’t be able to resist peeking in your treasure chest. And then BAM! They get asphyxiated with disgusting, stanky, decaying, rancid, mildew-covered cheese pastries!”

“Yar a little hooker after me own old heart,” Thornycraft crowed and danced around the room with excitement. “I will owe ye for yer brilliant plan. Them bandana wearin’ sea nards aren’t gonna know what hit ʼem.”

While Thornycraft giggled at the thought of getting his revenge, I did fourteen cartwheels and ten toe touches to clear my head. What I really wanted to do was boink the angst right out of my system with Archer, but he was the main cause of my angst at the moment.

“Ye good?” Thornycraft asked as I drank the glass of water he offered.

“Nope. I’m not good.”

“How can I help ye, swimmin’ hooker?”

“My mom didn’t die of a broken heart—well she kind of did, but not the way I’d always believed,” I told him as he snapped his fingers and produced his pad of paper and pen. “It wasn’t my dad’s fault.”

“Are ye happy about that?” he inquired, scribbling away.

“In a way,” I admitted, sitting down on the floor and pulling my knees to my chest. “I guess I would say I’m more relieved than happy. I still miss her and now…”

“Now ye have to make up for all the centuries of not missin’ yer pappy,” he finished my thought.

“I’m so ashamed,” I whispered and let my head fall to my knees.

“Do ye think yer mum and pappy would want ye to feel shamed? I’m guessing from the outstandin’ violent swimmin’ hookers they raised that they loved ye and yer sister hookers somethin’ powerful. Me mum wouldn’t want me to live with regrets. She’d kick me sorry arse to Mount Olympus and back. We live too long to carry a burden like ye is holdin’ in yer heart.”

My head jerked up and I stared at my friend. “Do you really think so?”

“Methinks so,” he said with a wink and a grin. “But what methinks doesn’t matter. What matters is what ye think, little hooker.”

“How’d you get so smart, Thornycraft?” I asked, hopping up and hugging my little buddy.

“Luck ‘o the draw,” he said with a laugh. “Bonar and Upton didn’t get so lucky. And mebbe now ye won’t be so shy of love.”

“Maybe,” I said thoughtfully. “Do you see your mum often?”

“My mum recently decided it was time for her to go on to the Great Beyond, but she still pops up in me dreams,” he said, smiling.

“I’m so sorry.”

“Nay, little hooker. Don’t be sorry. Me mum lived a very long time and was ready for a little rest. I’ll tell her to say ahoy to yer mum and dad and that yar finally ready to go on with yer life.”

“Would you really?” I asked as tears filled my eyes.

“T’would be me pleasure. Will I be tellin’ the truth though? Are ye truly ready to live yer life to the fullest?”

Without a pause, I nodded my head. Thornycraft’s words were somehow the key to opening up the emotional dam inside me. I felt free for the first time in centuries. I knew exactly how I wanted to start living my life… and I couldn’t wait to tell a certain person.

“Good lassie,” Thornycraft said, patting me on the head. “So are ye ready for the demons?”

“I’m sorry. What?”

“Well, shite,” he said, turning red. “Methought the eejit would have told ye about the demons that are showin’ up soon.”

“Nope. He most certainly did not,” I snapped and then paused.

Wait. Archer had tried to tell me something. He did say there was evil coming. I wasn’t going to go ballistic on his Johnson-man-tool until he had time to explain.

“Come with me,” I told Thornycraft. “We need to have a chat with a demigod.”

13

CUPID

THERE WAS MORE power in Misty’s suite at the moment than I’d witnessed in my thousands of years on this mortal plane. Thornycraft was not the only vicious and deadly Sphinx in residence on the Mystical Isle—there were two others called Bonar and Upton. While the names were questionable, I was very aware their skills were not. What surprised me most was that no one seemed to know what they were.

“Archer, have you met my mate, Wally—the woman?” Poseidon inquired giving me the evil eye.

“I have. Nice to see you again, Wally,” I said, giving the otherworldly gorgeous woman a respectful bow.

Now that she was in her human form, I recognized her. Her name was Janet and she was the mother of Pirate Doug. She had been a demigoddess until she’d traded her status to be able to watch over her insane son. As the completely idiotic Pirate Doug was the heir to Poseidon’s throne, parental guidance was forbidden. It didn’t surprise me for a second that Janet aka
Wally had found a way around that bizarre rule.

“Likewise,” she answered wink.

“You people think this is funny?” Poseidon shouted, pointing at his crotch.

It was all I could do not to laugh. However, his sad state of affairs was not entirely my fault. The inebriated idiot could have cleared up the misconception on Mount Olympus when he fired me. The dolt led me to believe Wally was a man and now he had to pay the piper—or the Wally to be more accurate. Poseidon was wearing a plaster cast on his Johnson… and that’s all he was wearing. It was horrifying but not that surprising. Clearly Wally hadn’t removed his pecker she’d just broken it.

“Is everyone here?” I asked, scanning the crowd.

Misty and her sisters sat on the couch. Wally and Poseidon stood as it was impossible for him to sit with his dick in a cast. Thornycraft, Bonar and Upton were with Pirate Doug who was wearing something appallingly lacy, but didn’t seem to mind. Ariel’s mate Keith was present as well.

“Are there any other immortals on the island that can be trusted?” I questioned.

“There are a couple Selkies, but they’re in Disney World on vacation. And the Sea Hags are about a mile offshore in a cave,” Pirate Doug informed me with a shudder. “However, they smell like baked arse left out in the sun for a month. I’d suggest they be on a need to know basis. Their presence has sent a few humans back to the mainland due to exploding sinuses and irreversible gag reflex issues.”

“I see,” I said with a wince. “Let’s get started. I’ve called you here today…”

“Holy shite,” Pirate Doug shouted. “Is this the wedding? I’m not wearing the right breeches and I need my fucking crown. Can we take a ten minute break here?”

“Umm… no. This is not your wedding. I believe that takes place in a few days,” I said, fearing the day he took over for his father.

“Great,” he said, looking incredibly relieved. “Didn’t want to get caught with my pants down because I need to foil wrap my tallywhacker first.”

“I’m sorry. What the fuck?” I asked, sure I’d misunderstood.

“Damn it,” the Pirate grumbled. “That was supposed to be a surprise for Tallulah. Now I’ve ruined everything.”

“No worries, my love,” Tallulah said with a laugh and a shake of her head. “I’ll pretend I didn’t hear.”

“Excellent,” Pirate Doug shouted. “Carry on.”

It took me a second before I could find my voice after that one, but my Mermaid certainly had hers and she wasn’t playing around.

“Demons are coming to the Mystical Isle?” Misty asked, getting right to the point while giving me the side eye.

“What?” Poseidon bellowed. “Hades is sending demons here when my idiot son is partaking in the human wedding with his purple hooker?”

“Was I just insulted?” Pirate Doug inquired, looking confused.

“We both were, sweetie,” Tallulah said, lifting her middle finger to the God of the Sea while Wally slapped him upside the head.

“Okaaaaaaay,” Poseidon said, ducking an expert right hook from Wally. “I might have phrased that a bit indelicately, but it’s a very fine question. And for the love of everything waterlogged. My pecker is in a cast. I think I deserve a little leeway here.”

“Aye,” Thornycraft said, stepping between Wally and the Sea God before it degenerated into the need for a full body cast for Poseidon. “Hades isn’t sending demons. There’s a rip in the abyss. Them thar scurvy tar stains are slippin’ through.”

“And how did that happen?” Misty asked.

All eyes turned to me and waited. Shit. It was time for full disclosure.

“It’s my fault,” I admitted. “The demons got through because there’s not enough love in the world.”

“So I was right to fire you,” Poseidon announced jubilantly. “I mean, I didn’t know that at the time, but being right is great. You people feel me?”

“I feel you, Pappy,” Pirate Doug chimed in. “Congratulations.”

“Thank you, boy. So what are we going to do about this?” Poseidon demanded.

“They’re coming for Cupid,” I started only to be cut off by a furious Tallulah.

“Unacceptable,” she hissed, staring daggers at me.

“Agreed,” I said quickly. “That’s why Misty will trade back my job to me. They will come after me and not her.”

“No,” Misty said, standing up. “You could die.”

“And so could you,” I ground out. “Not happening. You can have the job back after we defeat them. You’re better at it than I am anyway.”

“But if you die, I’ll die,” she whispered in a choked voice

All of a sudden I could only see Misty—the most beautiful person I’d ever seen. It was as if we were the only two people in the room—in the world. Everyone else ceased to exist in my mind—only Misty. She was the Mermaid I’d loved for half a century, but only realized it when it might be too late.

“If you die, I can’t go on,” I told her as I crossed the room and took her hand in mine. “You are my raison d’être. Nothing will ever happen to you if I’m here to stop it. Period.”

“This sucks,” Misty said. “I just found you.”

“I’m yours. Nothing can change that now.”

“Unless you die,” she pointed out.

“Well, yes there is that,” I agreed with a laugh. “But as bad at being Cupid as I’ve become, I’m a fucking kick ass warrior.”

“I can vouch for that,” Pirate Doug said as he tripped over his lacy shirt—or dress, interrupting the bubble Misty and I were in. “I’ve seen the bastard fight. It makes me look like a weenie and I’m a gods-damned nightmare come to life in battle.”

Poseidon limped over since his cast was slapping his thighs every time he took a step. It made movement difficult and appallingly humorous. As the mostly naked imbecile circled us, his smile grew wider and wider.

“You love her?” Poseidon inquired looking like a child at Christmas.

“I do,” I answered him while keeping my eyes pinned to Misty.

“And you love him?” Poseidon literally squealed to my Mermaid.

“Umm… yes,” she muttered.

“What?” I asked with a grin so big it hurt my cheeks. “I didn’t hear that.”

“Fine,” she snapped and flipped me off. “I love you.”

“My work here is done!” Poseidon bellowed and tried to do a jig, but his casted wanker hindered his dance. He hit the floor and landed face down. Every single male in the room cried out in phantom pain.

But wait a fucking minute…

“What do you mean your work here is done?” I ground out, yanking the Sea God up from the floor as my skin began to glow a menacing silver. “Did you set this up? You framed Misty? And me?”

“Hold your seahorses, boy,” Poseidon grumbled, beginning to glow a shade of green that challenged my silver. “I’m in charge of DIC and you will show me respect.”

“Sweet seahorse in a thong,” Pirate Doug screamed. “I’m passing on the fucking job if I have to be in charge of all the salamis in the Universe. I did not know that part of the God of the Sea job description. My arse is out.”

“Divine Immortal Circuit,” Poseidon told his son with an eye roll.

“I enjoy the circus, but dicks are out,” Pirate Doug replied.

Everyone was silent for a moment as we digested that Pirate Doug would eventually be a God.

“Answer the question, Poseidon. Were we set up?” I growled.

“Yesssss, I set it up. Misty wore your magic. No one can wear the magic of a God unless they’re destined to be their mate, you nard. And both of you were too hard headed to admit the truth, so I just helped it along a little bit. You should be thanking me instead of showing disrespect,” he bellowed.

That gave me pause. I didn’t like being played and I certainly didn’t like the thought of owing anything to a God whose Johnson was encased in plaster, but…

“Thank you,” Misty said to Poseidon as she stepped forward and took my hand in hers. “You were right this time but if you ever pull anything like this again, I will have Wally do more than break your tallywhacker.”

“And I will,” Wally announced with glee. “However, Poseidon’s good deed will be rewarded.”

“With a blow job?” he asked Wally hopefully.

And that’s when Wally knocked the God of the Sea out. It was incredible and a fine reminder to never get on Wally’s bad side. Ever.

“So what the plan?” Tallulah asked as she stepped up next to her brain cell deprived Pirate.

“Misty agrees to trade the job and we wait,” I said.

“Misty?” Tallulah said and then waited.

“I don’t want to do this, but I will. However, I’m telling you right now I will fight right alongside you and I won’t take no for an answer.”

“I will fight with both of you,” Wally said. “Poseidon is down for the count due to his unfortunate accident, but his magic will come in handy.”

Wally grinning naughtily and I was reminded yet again to stay on her good side. Always.

“Aye, I will fight as well,” Thornycraft volunteered.

“Aye, and me,” Bonar added.

“Aye and me,” Upton said.

“Keith and I will fight,” Ariel said, holding hands with her Selkie.

“You bet your hairy asscrack,” Keith said, nodding his agreement.

Closing my eyes for a brief moment, I decided to overlook the insult and pretend it was an endearment. My asscrack wasn’t hairy, but that was entirely TMI for this crowd. The simple fact that the passed out God of the Sea was wearing nothing more than a plaster cast on his Johnson was enough for today.

“I’m in,” Madison said. “I’m always up for a good smackdown. I say bring it.”

“I have an idea,” Misty said as her emerald eyes sparkled with excitement. “Since it’s love that’s missing, I say we make a few more matches and start filling the world with more love.”

“Yar a smart little swimmin’ hooker. More love in the air will weaken the evil worm riddled tar stains from hell,” Thornycraft told my Mermaid. “Yer mum and pappy would be real proud.”

Misty launched herself at the Pirate and hugged him tight. Amazingly I wasn’t jealous in the least. It was clear that she loved him in a brotherly way and he loved her just as much. I had to admit, I liked the Pirate… or rather Sphinx as well. And as long as he cared for my Mermaid, I would care for him.

“We all good?” I asked.

“Hell to the yesssssss,” Madison said as she waved her hands in the air and armed herself from head to toe. “What about the humans?”

Madison was a frightening sight and would scare the living hell out of her mate someday. I just hoped I lived to see it. And she’d made a fine point.

“Either move them off the island or we put them in a Cone of Protection and tell them we’re filming a movie,” I said.

“Perfect,” Madison said as she sprinted for the door. “This is gonna be great.”

Gods, I certainly hoped so.

14

MISTY

“ISN’T THIS KIND OF WEIRD?” I asked as I squatted next to Archer in the bushes.

My skin tingled at our proximity and my body was hyper aware of the man next to me. I felt giddy with my newfound feelings and didn’t quite know what to do with them. It was slowly hitting me that he loved me… and that I loved him back. I’d always desired him, but now I wondered how it would feel to boink someone you loved.

“Isn’t what weird?” Archer asked with a grin as we both scanned the humans at the breakfast buffet.

“This,” I said with a giggle. “Us. Doing this together.”

“I’d much rather be doing something else together, but this is better than nothing,” he replied as he handed me an arrow. “Have you hit a moving target yet?”

“Nope.” I needed to stick to one-word answers. His silky voice made me lightheaded. I was at a serious risk of jumping him.

“It’s a bit tricky. The arrows like to go straight, so you’ll need to judge the speed and direction of your victim and shoot slightly in front of them,” he explained.

“Well, poop. What if I miss?” I asked, not liking this new wrinkle. I had great aim, but I wasn’t perfect by a long shot… pun unfortunately intended.

“Then someone will fall in love with the sand or possibly a tiki torch, or Gods forbid, a plate of food,” he said with a laugh.

“That is not funny,” I said, biting back another giggle. “Now I feel frozen.”

Archer looked at me for a long moment and then held out his hand. “I never miss. I just pick shitty targets. How about you pick and I’ll shoot?”

My stomach fluttered and a feeling of pure happiness washed over me. This was right—all of it. Him and me hiding in the bushes. Us falling for each other. The two of us working together to bring more love to the world. We were two pieces of a puzzle that finally fit together after many, many failed tries.

“Deal,” I said, handing him the crossbow and planting a quick kiss on his lips.

“I’ll give you the rest of eternity to stop that,” he said as his mouth curled into a smile that left me breathless. “However, if you really want to shoot a bunch of bizarre humans you need to keep those lips to yourself. We got screwed out of our boink session and my Johnson-man-tool is very unhappy right now.”

“Hmm…” I said, glancing down at the front of his jeans and grinning. The bulge was impressive and my body reacted with a zing of lust. “He looks pretty happy to me. I mean, he’s standing up and trying to wave at me.”

Archer’s head fell back on his shoulders and he groaned. “Are you trying to kill me, Mermaid?”

“Nope, demigod,” I said as my lady bits began to dance a tango and my need for the man next to me increased more than I’d thought possible. “I can’t boink a dead demigod so hold those thoughts and let’s shoot some humans.”

“Or you could jump me in the bushes and take full advantage of me,” he suggested with a lopsided smile that made my heart rate speed up considerably. “I’d be really, really, really okay with that.”

“I’m sure you would,” I muttered and turned away from him so I wouldn’t take him up on his delightfully lewd offer. I would be really, really, really okay with it too, but we had a job to do. The boink-o-rama would have to wait.

“Let’s match four couples and then we boink,” I bargained.

“Two,” he shot back.

“Three and you have a deal,” I told him with an eye roll and a sigh of happiness. He was all kinds of crazy and all kinds of mine.

“Deal. Pick your first two victims,” Archer said, placing the arrow in the bow. “Let’s get the party started.”

“Did you just quote Pink?”

“Possibly,” he said. “Do you like Pink?”

“Love her. And as a matter of fact, I think you’re fucking perfect,” I told him with a smirk.

“Nice. You going to blow me one last kiss?” Archer inquired, enjoying the game.

“Nope, I’m going to blow you kisses for the rest of eternity. That’s why when the demons come you’re not allowed to die.” I went from silly to serious on a dime. I meant every word I’d just said.

“I have no intention of dying. I have too much to live for now,” he replied. “Now pick your victims, woman.”

“Will do,” I said with a salute.

His sexy half smirk jumbled my brain, but I took a deep breath and focused. This was important. Love was not a game. It was a gift and I was going to match the right humans.

The resort guests milled and ate, but I found my first couple with ease. Not to mention, I’d chatted with them on several occasions during their stay. They’d seemed to have lost that loving feeling, but had clearly still stayed together.

“Those two,” I whispered, pointing at Jim and Randy.

“The men?” Archer asked, making sure I hadn’t screwed up.

“Yep, they’re already together, but they need a little something to put the spice back into the relationship.”

“Your wish is my command,” he said as he aimed and shot them both with one single arrow.

“How did you do that?” I asked, shocked and wildly impressed. “That was unreal.”

“I’m good,” he replied cockily. “I’m really, really good. You should try me sometime. I do believe you’ll enjoy it.”

“You’re kind of an oversexed dork.” I bit down on my bottom lip to hide my delight. It was getting almost impossible to keep my hands to myself.

“Yes, well… you do that to me.”

“You’re welcome,” I said, brushing his arm with my breasts.

His pained groan was music to my ears. I was so close to jumping his fine ass. Two more couples—just two. I could do that.

“Hit the gal in pink and the guy with the blue baseball cap. They’ve been flirting the entire trip,” I instructed.

Archer didn’t waste a second. “Done. Next?”

My demigod was clearly as anxious as I was.

“The pretty older woman in the yellow sundress. She’s a widow and she came with a bunch of other people from her bridge club. The distinguished gentleman in the red cardigan has it bad for her. Shoot ‘em and let’s get the hell out of here.”

“Done. Wrap your arms around me. We’re taking a shortcut,” Archer insisted with wild, lust-filled eyes.

“A shortcut?” I asked, doing as he asked. His body felt like magic beneath my fingertips and I couldn’t wait to peel away the layers.

“Yep. Hang on.”

“HOLY CHICKEN of the sea in a tsunami,” I gasped out on a squeal as I landed with a big bounce on my bed in a shower of red and silver sparkles. “You’re crazy.”

“And horny,” Archer added as he removed his clothes with warp speed.

“We could have walked. My suite wasn’t that far,” I pointed out, ripping my bikini top and sarong off with equal speed.

“Why walk when you can transport? It’s faster.”

“This is true,” I agreed as I stood up on the bed, took three good jumps and then launched myself at the gorgeous naked man who loved me.

“That was fucking hot,” he murmured against my neck as he caught me and held me close.

“Glad you caught me,” I said. “That could have been a game ender if you hadn’t. Not to mention seriously embarrassing.”

“I will always catch you, Misty. Always. Close your eyes.”

“Why?”

“Just close them Mermaid. I have a surprise for you.”

I did as asked. I felt the enchantment as it lazily floated through the room. It was warm and sultry on my bare skin. Every inch of my body tingled in anticipation, but I kept my eyes closed tight.

“Open,” Archer whispered.

Slowly I obeyed and gasped when I saw what he’d done. My bedroom was an exquisite, magical rose garden. A delicious smelling silver mist floated on the air and every inch of the room was covered in rose bushes and climbing branches of the beautiful flower. In shades of red, pink, and peach, the blooms swayed in the enchanted breeze.

“Magic,” I whispered like a child, in awe of the sheer beauty.

A carpet of petals was beneath my feet and the sunlight from the open window caught the glitter in the mist and made the scene surreal. Sliding out of Archer’s arms, I ran around my room and laughed with pure joy. Archer watched me with a smile on his face that would be burned into my memory forever.

The sparkling sunlight danced on his naked body. Archer looked like a god come to life. Wait… he was a god.

Was it possible to love someone so much? Could this feeling last? The most perfect demigod in existence watched me with eyes full of adoration and lust. I’d never felt so beautiful, so wanted—so powerful.

“Will it always be like this?” I asked. “We could live for forever. Will this last?”

Archer took my hand, laid me on the bed and settled himself next to me. We were nose to nose and I’d never felt so safe and happy.

“Will we always be in the honeymoon phase? I honestly don’t know. However, from everything I’ve learned over the thousands of years I’ve been around, for the ones who get it right, love continues to grow into something words can’t explain.”

“Did we get it right?”

“What do you think?” Archer asked, running his finger along my lips.

His touch ignited a warmth inside me. His smile made my heart beat faster. The thought of waking up next to Archer for all eternity made my stomach fill with happy dancing butterflies. The answer was clear.

“I feel like we got it right,” I whispered as I crawled on top of him and straddled his chest.

I leaned in and ran my tongue along the seam of his full, kissable lips. I wanted to explain to him what was happening inside me, but I couldn’t find the words. The only way to express what I felt was through movement and I was very good at that. With my body, I could show him my soul. With touch I could explain the depth of my need for him. I wanted to memorize every inch of his body and I wanted him to rediscover mine.

“Keep your eyes open,” Archer insisted and his strong hands cupped my aching breasts and his lips captured mine. “I need you to see what you do to me.”

My body felt molten and I was slowly coming apart in his arms. He flipped me beneath him while his tongue and lips feathered over my skin, sending wave after wave of desire roaring through me.

“You’re mine,” I cried out as an orgasm raced through me.

“And you’re mine,” he replied roughly as his lips continued their sensual assault on my willing body. “Wait. Is the door locked?”

“Umm, no clue. We didn’t use the door to get here,” I said with a giggle.

“Are your sisters going to show up?” he asked with a pained laugh. “Might be a little awkward.”

“If they value their lives… no. However, I can do a little something about that,” I told him with a mischievous grin.

I waved my hand and a burst of green sparkles left my fingertips twirling across the room. With a pop and sizzle, a padlock the size of a big screen TV appeared on my door. And to leave nothing to chance, I waved my hand again. A pale green shimmering haze covered my open windows. The sunlight could still peek through, but no one could see or hear what transpired inside.

Archer’s laugh delighted me.

“We’re an excellent team,” he murmured against my lips.

“That we are,” I agreed as I writhed like a Mermaid in heat beneath him. “Are we gonna boink or talk?”

“I’m definitely up for a boink,” he replied with a wolfish grin. “And Johnson-man tool is very up for it.”

An intense desire took the express train right to my lady bits and I checked to see if Archer was indeed telling the truth about my good buddy, Johnson-man-tool. Taking him in my hand was all the proof I needed. Archer’s swift intake of breath and muttered curse changed the atmosphere quickly.

It went from silly to serious fast. My demigod’s hands and mouth were everywhere. My nipples beaded and I rubbed my overheated body against his with abandon. It was perfect but I wanted more. I wanted to be closer than just skin on skin. I arched my back and opened my legs. Our kisses became frenzied and our desire overwhelming.

“Want you,” I begged. “Want you now.”

“And forever?” he asked as he teased me with his gorgeous body.

“Forever and ever,” I gasped out, pulling him closer.

“Good answer,” he growled as he entered me in one swift thrust.

We both cried out at the feeling of becoming one. It was more intense than it had ever been. Did loving someone make it better? The answer was yes—an overwhelming yes. Orgasm number two overtook me and I screamed with ecstasy. My body trembled and I clenched him inside me as I rode out the aftershocks.

“Again,” Archer demanded.

My body obeyed even though my mind lagged behind. The man was a sex machine. As soon as the second orgasm ebbed another roared through my body. I rode it out as my body arched and tightened like a vise around his.

“Keep your eyes open,” he demanded, still inside me. “You will watch me come. You will see what you do to me.

I kept my green eyes pinned to his icy blue. The raw power and savage desire in his expression made it hard to breathe. He was not a man. He was a demigod. His voracious need matched mine and we were willing to give each other everything we wanted—everything we needed.

“I love you, Misty,” he ground out as his body pistoned into mine—each thrust punctuating each beautiful word.

“I love you too, Archer,” I promised as intense pleasure ripped through my still needy body.

The speed of our lovemaking increased and Archer’s eyes grew wild and unfocused. I bucked like an animal beneath him and we careened toward an orgasm that might blow the entire island off the map of the Bermuda Triangle. My eyes stayed locked on his and the love in his gaze overwhelmed me. The guttural sounds he made sent me over the edge. This was love… and I loved it.

“Come with me,” he growled as he seemed to grow larger inside me.

“Always,” I cried out.

And I did. We did.

Love was the fucking bomb.

15

ARCHER

“MISTY, get up. NOW. Something is wrong,” I snapped, grabbing my clothes and jerking them on.

“What?” she asked sitting up in the bed, alarmed. “They’re here?”

Nodding curtly, I closed my eyes and let my senses roam. I could feel five of them and they were close. “Within fifty miles. The demons will be arriving shortly.”

“I thought they would crash the wedding,” Misty said, dressing quickly.

“As did I,” I told her. “Gather your sisters and the rest and meet me on the beach. I’ll get Thornycraft and his comrades.”

“Arses,” she corrected me.

“I’m sorry. What?”

“Arses. They like to refer to themselves as arses. Go figure,” she said with a small worried smile that didn’t reach her eyes.

“Fine,” I said, grinning despite everything that I now held precious was about to be on the line. “I’ll get the arses.”

“How long do we have?” she asked as she sprinted to the door.

“I’d say a half hour at the least. Forty-five minutes at the most.”

“I love you, Archer. If you die today, I will yank your ass back from the Great Beyond and kick it so hard you’ll wish you were never hatched.”

I raised my brow in surprise and laughed. I couldn’t have fallen for anyone other than the crazy emerald green-haired beauty who was threatening my immortal life. She was perfect.

“Right back at you, Mermaid,” I said as I moved to her and swiftly kissed her lips. “You are my reason to live.”

“Keep it that way,” she whispered and then disappeared through her door.

I was going to take a shortcut. Time was of the essence.

“YE MUTINY-MINDED CROW BAIT,” Upton roared and walloped Thornycraft in the head.

“That’s what ye get fer making me pee my breeches, ye pig perfumed milkmaid. Those were me special breeches,” he bellowed back with a grunt of laughter as he landed an outstanding left hook to Upton’s gut.

The three arses proceeded to beat the stuffing out of each other while laughing like loons as I watched in shock. However, the most alarming part of the scene was the stench. What in Zeus’ Universe was that awful smell?

“Yar a salt crusted, cod faced nard rat,” Bonar shouted as he pinched his nostrils shut and tried to dodge the punches. “Me sinuses are gone. Ye burnt me nose hairs right out of me nose, ye peg legged, sweatered son of a weevil.”

“That’s what ye get, ye greasy haired shite hound,” Thornycraft said, now holding his own nose as well.

“What in tarnation was in ye treasure chest?” Upton asked, also plugging his nostrils.

“Cheese Danish,” Thornycraft announced with a wince and a gag. “Three week old cheese Danish.”

These arses were completely insane. I was fully aware of how much Misty adored Thornycraft, but his idea of a joke was horrifying.

“Love me some cheese Danish,” Bonar said with tears from the stench running down his face. “But when the wee pastry has varmints living in it—not so much.”

“Have ye learned yer lesson?” Thornycraft choked out, unable to stomach his own prank. “Me own little swimmin’ hooker came up with the idea. Misty is an evil genius.”

Hmmm, I took note of that terrifying admission. No cheese Danish in our house. Ever. The arses were so asphyxiated at the moment they hadn’t noticed my arrival. Time to remedy that.

“Gentlemen,” I said, pinching my nose closed. “The demons are close.”

“What? Are ye sure?” Bonar asked. “Methought they would crash the weddin’.”

“I’m sure. Are you three ready to reveal what you are?”

Bonar and Upton, eyed me warily. Thornycraft simply shrugged.

“Arses, he knows.”

“Did ye tell the dingy dangler?” Bonar demanded, slapping Thornycraft with a rotten Danish.

“Nay. The pontoon splinter can see through veil. Don’t know how, but he’s a powerful tar stain,” Thornycraft explained, throwing a pile of the festering dreck back at his friend.

“How about this,” I suggested, snapping my fingers and making the offensive decaying pastry disappear. “You arses get your arses in gear and we go send some demons back to Hades?”

“We won’t be needin’ to reveal our secret, ye scuttle hound,” Bonar said, tentatively taking his fingers from his nose and sniffing the now fresh air. “We’re stronger like we are. If we shift, the size and weight of me arses and me will sink the island to the bottom of the sea.”

That didn’t sound good at all.

“Fine. Don’t shift. It’s me they’re coming for. I want you to protect all the others. I’m on my own.”

“Do ye think that’s wise, pontoon splinter?” Upton asked, narrowing his eyes. “I’ve heard tell of yer prowess, but yar talkin’ demons here.”

“This is my fault. The tear in the abyss is there because I failed my responsibility. No one shall suffer because of me. Period,” I ground out through clenched teeth.

I did not like to be second-guessed. I was a freaking demigod with a reputation as vicious as that of their kind, if not more so. I wasn’t used to anyone having my back other than Apollo occasionally. This was odd and I wasn’t sure if I liked it.

“Fer better or worse, if yar connected to the swimmin’ hooker, yar connected to us,” Thornycraft said with a shrug. “Ye can yapyapyap all ye want, but we’re gonna do what we have to do. And just wait until ye lay yer peepers on me captain, Pirate Doug. That thar bastard is insane.”

I already knew that… well, at least the insane part.

“Fine. Let’s go,” I snapped, feeling strange.

A premonition consumed me and I shuddered. Apollo had seen someone else’s blood and heard my screams. Someone would die today. I was going to make gods-damned sure it wasn’t my Mermaid.

“FIVE MINUTES,” I said, closing my eyes and letting my power search the surrounding area.

Misty stood silently at my side. Losing her was not an option. Honestly, I didn’t want her here, but I knew she would never forgive me if I magically sent her away. She was a fierce warrior in her own right. I loved the Mermaid and I respected her. She was mine.

“I need you to grant me your job and I need Poseidon to approve,” I told her.

Nodding unhappily, she spoke. “I willingly give the job of Cupid back to the demigod to whom it has always belonged.”

“I accept the arrangement,” Poseidon said with the authority of the God he was.

“The island is clear,” Tallulah reported with relief. “I sent all the humans on a day trip to the Sea Hag Caves. Bony Velma Dustface has orders to keep them there until it’s safe.”

“Sweet Poseidon in a liquor store,” Ariel gasped and gagged. “Did you send them with nose plugs?”

“Of course,” Tallulah said with an eye roll. “We don’t need to be sued for asphyxiation.”

“I sense five demons,” Poseidon said.

Wally gravely nodded her head in agreement. It was clear that even though she’d forfeited her demigoddess status, the power was still within her.

The Sea God’s Johnson was still in a cast, but he’d had the wherewithal to wear a man diaper over it today. However, it looked like the idiot had a massive erection with the way his dick had been set in the plaster. It took all I had not to laugh at the absurdity.

But today was no laughing matter.

“Five,” Pirate Doug agreed. “But there are more.”

“What do you mean?” I demanded, wondering if I’d misjudged the imbecile Pirate. Could he actually sense something I’d missed? He was in line to become a God sooner or later… hopefully later—much, much later.

“Call me crazy or Sally or Dirk if you prefer—I’ve always thought Dirk was a fine name,” he said absently, narrowing his eyes at the horizon. “It feels like they’re carrying others inside them. Maybe the fuckers are pregnant—or cannibals.”

That gave me pause. The Pirate was indeed crazy, but he might be onto something. Demons were hatched. Pregnancy wasn’t a possibility. Females were never sent to this plane as they were far too valuable to be destroyed. The cannibal theory? That I could believe.

The question was, were they carrying dead demons or live demons?

“That’s how they multiply,” Thornycraft stated flatly. “Ye have to destroy ʼem before the nards multiply.”

“What’s the best way to destroy them?” Madison asked, armed to her teeth.

The pink-haired Mermaid looked like the Terminator with breasts. I was even a bit frightened of her.

“They have to be banished back to Hades by a god or demigod,” Poseidon said. “Which means, me, Archer, Wally and Pirate Doug.”

“Holy shite,” Pirate Doug shouted and started high-fiving all gathered. “Do you hear that shite? I’m a fucking god. But wait… What about the dick thing? I’m gonna have to pass if I have to handle any nards.”

No one wanted to touch that one and no one did.

“Wally’s a demigoddess?” Misty asked. “I thought she gave up the status to watch over the idiotic nard hole.”

“Is she talking about me?” Pirate Doug asked.

“She is, sweetie,” Tallulah said, patting his back.

“Just checking,” he replied with a grin, clearly still high on the fact that he was a God.

“Once a god, always a god,” Poseidon said, rolling his eyes at his son. “Gods forbid.”

“Aye.” Thornycraft stepped in. “Little pink swimmin’ hooker, yer job will be to make sure the cutlass flappin’ riff raff don’t multiply before the gods can banish the shites with magic.”

“Got it,” Madison said with a thumbs up and a bloodthirsty grin on her face.

“Incoming,” Misty shouted pointing out at the waves. “Demons on the surface! I love you, Archer. Don’t die today.”

“Roger that,” I said as I drew on my power within. “You will not die either. Clear?”

“Roger that,” she said with a wide grin as she prepared to fight.

I just prayed to Zeus both of us were telling the truth.

16

MISTY

“HOLY HELL AND SEASHELLS,” I muttered as the demons surfaced and swam toward the shore like bullets out of a gun.

They were semitransparent with blistered skin and enormous teeth. Their eyes were beady slits in their misshapen heads and instead of hands the demons had razor sharp claws. The smell of death wafted through the air and clouds moved quickly to cover the sun. It was now dark and ominous.

My nightmares had never come close to imagining anything as horrid as what I was now seeing.

“Don’t separate,” Archer shouted. “We fight in twos and threes. They will attack loners first.”

“Aye,” Thornycraft shouted over the wind that had picked up substantially. “Methinks I’d like to fight with ye,” he said to me with a smile. “Are ye good with that?”

“I’d be honored,” I said and gave my BFF a quick hug.

“Call the sharks, Misty,” Tallulah commanded.

“On it,” I yelled back as I raised my arms to the sky and beckoned the deadly sea creatures. “Come to me, my friends. Slow the evil. Keith call the Krakens.”

“Already done,” he said. “They’re thirty minutes out and coming in fast. Ten are on their way.”

Ariel’s mate could actually speak with the sea creatures and understand what they were saying. Me? I could only ask for help.

“Excellent,” I said, blocking the flying sand from my eyes.

Archer stood front and center on the beach with Poseidon on one side of him and Wally on the other. Pirate Doug stood next to his father with his middle finger held high in greeting to the demons. It was wildly impressive to see so many gods in one place—the magic surrounding them was intense. My heart was in my throat, but I was a warrior. My love was a warrior as well. The human world would be fucked if we lost today and Zeus would be furious.

I had no plans to lose and I knew Archer didn’t either.

“Glitter fish bombs. GO,” I called out to my sisters as I threw an exploding sparkling grenade into the water. Several more followed and Madison was on fire… literally. It was one of her gifts. She literally became a searing hot pink flame and could incinerate anything within five feet of her without even touching it.

“Oh my hell,” I gasped out as I noticed Bonar standing right next to my blazing sister. “He’s gonna get burnt to a crisp. Thornycraft, you need to save Bonar from Madison.”

“Nay,” Thornycraft said with a chuckle as he pulled a sword so sharp and large from thin air I jumped back. “Bonar will be fine. Fire doesn’t affect swivlin’ nards like him.”

“What is he?” I asked as I launched fish bomb after fish bomb at the evil demons.

“Same as me,” Thornycraft answered. “Duck!”

Bolts of black lightning struck the beach, leaving craters behind in their deadly wake. The demons didn’t come ashore. They didn’t need to. They were throwing their deadly magic from the shallows and doing just fine.

“How are we supposed to stop them from multiplying if they stay in the water?” I asked, ducking another lethal burst.

“Well, ye have a couple choices the way me sees it,” Thornycraft said, eyeing the demons with disgust. “Ye can wait for the peg legged bow bunglers to come to us… or we can go to them.”

“Let’s go,” I yelled as I sprinted to the sea. In the water I was even stronger than on land. My tail could knock the head off the strongest of foes. I was ready to find out what it would do to a demon.

“Misty, no!” I heard Archer shout.

“Yes,” I shouted back. “Send them back to Hades. I’m going to make sure there are only five.”

I was positive he would be pissed at me, but if we were going to come out of this, it was going to take a miracle. Miracles like that didn’t happen on their own…

Tallulah, Ariel and a still blazing Madison were right on my tail, followed by a war cry screaming Thornycraft, Bonar and Upton. Those arses were my kind of crazy.

“Don’t look ‘em in the beady eye,” Upton yelled as he went to behead one gunning for him.

As he sliced through the neck of the demon, three more appeared. Shit. Madison burned one to the point I was sure the demon had melted into the sea, but no. Four more popped up. Fuck. Rearing back and swinging my tail at the one who was trying to bite me, I hit the ugly thing with everything I had. His transparent head went flying and I was sure I’d found the key.

But no… five more appeared in his place.

They were taking hit after hit, but so were we. Blood filled the crystal blue water—theirs and ours. My own blood ran freely down my face due to one of the demons’ knife-like claws. My people were still alive, but it was only a matter of time before one of us perished.

And then it hit me. It was the violence they were feeding on—violence—hate—fear. Evil fed on those things. I needed the opposite to defeat them. They got through the abyss because of a lack of love. Maybe love would send them back.

“Out of the water,” I shouted. “NOW. Follow my lead.”

As the gods chanted and tried to send the evil back to Hades, the odds were not looking good. We’d started with five and there had to be at least thirty now. A few had popped and disappeared, but as fast as the gods were working, it wasn’t fast enough.

“Love,” I shouted over the strong winds as I hit the shore and dodged the black lightning. “Show your love. It will destroy them.”

“What?” Tallulah shouted, pulling Upton and Bonar from the crashing waves. “You want me to send a dove? I really think that’s a bad idea.”

“NO! Love, hold my hand. Love me,” I insisted, helping to pull the rest of our small, tattered and bleeding army from the water.

Archer was on me in a flash. “Misty,” he growled, his eyes blazing with fury. “Do not do that again. I can’t do what I have to do if I’m terrified you’re going to die.”

“I love you,” I said and pushed him back to the formation of the gods. “I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone in my life. Chant! Send the evil away. And remember… I. Love. You.”

He looked confused, but it didn’t matter. This would work. It had to.

“Thornycraft, I love you too. I love you with all my heart. You’re my best friend.”

“Aye. I love ye too, little hooker,” he said with a grin that indicated he knew exactly what I was doing. “Upton and Bonar, ye shites, I love ye. I will love ye till the end of time.”

“We love year scrawny arse too,” Upton and Bonar answered as they piled sand to act as a barrier against the lightning.

“Tallulah, Ariel, Madison,” I shouted and took their hands in mine. “I love you. I will love you forever and I will have your back always. I love you.”

“I love you too!” Tallulah shouted at the top of her lungs. “And I love my sisters and Keith. I love Pirate Doug to the stars and back. And I even love the inebriated, broken-peckered God of the Sea. I love Wally and I love the arses.”

“I love Keith,” Ariel announced. “I love his weird family and I love all the creatures in the sea which is why I’m a total vegan now. I LOVE being vegan.”

“I love kicking my brother Kurt’s ass. I love Ariel more than my own life and I’m learning to love doing the laundry,” Keith yelled, grabbing Ariel and kissing her soundly.

“Whatever you’re doing, keep doing it,” Archer commanded. “They’re being sucked back down to Hades even without the power of the gods.”

“I love setting things on fire and I love Piña Coladas,” Madison joined the party. “And I’m pretty sure I have a crush on a human.”

“Well, that’s certainly interesting,” I muttered with a laugh.

Archer was correct. It was working. The demon count was going down. There were only three left.

“I love my tallywhacker and I love what Tallulah can do to it. I also love my purple swimming hooker,” Pirate Doug yelled as everyone winced. “I love looking at myself in the
mirror and I love my wedding outfit. I. Am. So. Hot.”

“You’re an idiot,” Poseidon bellowed and slapped Pirate Doug up the side of the head. “But I love you. I love all nine hundred and ninety-nine of my legitimate and illegitimate children. And most of all, I love Wally even though she’s a little rough on my pecker.”

“And I love you right back, you dumbass,” Wally said as she took Poseidon’s hand in hers. “I love my son even though he needs his mouth washed out with soap most of the time. I love all of you… just don’t cross me and it will all be good.”

“Ahoy, Cupid,” Thornycraft shouted, pointing at Archer. “Ye got anything to add?”

“I do,” he said, looking at me with so much adoration in his eyes I didn’t even need to hear the words. “I love my emerald-haired Mermaid. I love her more than words could ever express. I plan to spend the rest of eternity showing her how much I love her.”

“We did it!” Poseidon bellowed, taking Wally in his arms and spinning her around. “The demons are gone.”

“Love saved the day,” I shouted and jumped for joy.

And then I screamed.

The demons were not gone. One was left and he wasn’t going home until he’d taken his revenge. And he wanted me…

The bolt came so fast it was almost invisible.

Time seemed to halt and went into horrifying slow motion.

Archer’s own scream was furious and he flew at the deadly black lightning as if his own life depended on, but he fell short.

Poseidon dove to take the hit, but failed as well. My sister’s anguished cries echoed in my ears as I tried to deflect the hit, but I wasn’t a god. I was simply a Mermaid. And apparently it was my time to go.

Closing my eyes, I braced myself to take the hit and thought only thoughts of pure love. Love for all of the people here and even those long gone. I’d be able to say I was sorry to my father soon. That was a good thing. But mostly I thought of Archer and I sent him my love with everything I had. He would be okay. He would live. That made me happy. I opened my eyes to look at everyone one last time.

And nothing happened… to me.

NO,” I screamed as Thornycraft, with the most inhuman speed I’d ever witnessed in my long life, put himself between me and the deadly blast from hell.

My friend’s body took the hit and his blood spattered all over me. My screams echoed in my head and my vision blurred. Thornycraft’s act of love popped the demon and it dissolved into a thin tendril of black smoke that blew away on the wind. But my beautiful friend didn’t fare as well as I did.

My blood thundered in my ears and part of my heart permanently died as my sweet stuffed animal loving, brilliant best friend turned to ash at my feet.

Falling to the ground and wailing with an agony so deep, I didn’t recognize myself. My tears blinded me and I had no clue what was happening around me. The thought of never seeing Thornycraft’s sweet smile again in this lifetime devastated me. My insides felt hollow and I buried my fingers in the ash that was my beloved friend. I felt Archer’s strong arms come around me and I held on for all I was worth—which felt like nothing at the moment.

Thornycraft had died saving my life. This was not supposed to happen. How did this happen. And who in the fuck was laughing?

Swiping the tears from my eyes, I stood and turned in the direction of the hideous sound. As my vision cleared I saw the perpetrators and I couldn’t believe my eyes. My fury built like a volcano inside me and I’d raised my arms to the sky. Sending a blast of magic so violent, Upton, Bonar and Pirate Doug went flying at least fifty feet in the air and landed with sickening thuds.

“What is wrong with you? He just told you that he loved you,” I ground out as I raised my hands high, prepared to zap them even harder. “Thornycraft is dead. He was your friend—for hundreds of years. You are horrid.”

“No, no, no, no,” Pirate Doug said, trying to bite back his laughter. “That’s not why we’re laughing.”

“Actually, it is,” Bonar said, rubbing his ass that had taken the brunt of my fury.

“That’s it. You will regret laughing at Thornycraft’s death,” I growled and began to send another searing blast.

And then a sound stopped me. It was the crying of a baby—a small, helpless, scared baby.

“What the heck?” I whispered as I jerked around and saw a tiny baby lying in the ashes where my friend had perished.

“That’s why we were laughing,” Pirate Doug said as he scooped the crying baby up in his arms and held him out to me. “Thornycraft is too mean to die for good.”

“Aye,” Upton agreed with a huge grin on his face. “Ye can’t kill a salty dog. Them scoundrels keep comin’ back.”

“That’s Thornycraft?” I whispered as I stared at the beautiful baby.

“Aye, little hooker it is,” Bonar said. “We always rise from the ashes.”

“Like a phoenix?” I asked, wondering if that was their species.

“Nay,” Upton replied with a laugh. “Phoenixes are wankers. Our kind is much better.”

“But Thornycraft said his mum died recently,” I said, still transfixed with the tiny adorable baby who was smiling at me. “How did she die if the rest of you can’t?”

“His mum will be back eventually. She was tired and needed a rest,” Bonar explained as he cooed at baby Thornycraft. “Looks like we’re gonna have to raise the little scurvy bastard this time seein’ as his mum isn’t around.”

“No,” I said and took the little semi-fingered baby from Pirate Doug’s hands. “You will not be raising Thornycraft.”

“And who will raise the little tar stain?” Upton inquired with a wide smile.

I looked over at Archer who smiled, rolled his eyes and laughed all in the same move.

“I am,” I said. “He’s mine and I will love him and raise him right.”

“Good luck to ye,” Bonar said with a laugh. “The little rope burn was a shite about potty trainin’ last time round.”

I held my little Thornycraft close and kissed his sweet smelling little baby head. He’d saved my life and now I would take care of his. The worst day of my life was turning out to be the best.

“I really have to take a leak,” Poseidon said, hopping up and down. “But before I do, I hereby name Misty of the Mystical Isle Pod and Archer, the demigod of love as Cupid.”

“What?” I asked as my smile grew wider. “Both of us?”

“Yep,” Archer said as he wrapped his arms around both me and Thornycraft. “Both of us. I’m nothing without you.”

“Back at ya, sexy pants. I’ll pick ‘em and you shoot ‘em.”

“Deal,” he said and kissed the top of my head. “The world will be overflowing with love now.”

“It better be,” Poseidon called out from behind a bush, clearly relieving himself. “I’ll be watching.”

“What about the tear in the abyss?” Madison asked. “Does it need to be mended?”

“Aye,” Poseidon said as he came back to the group pinning his diaper back on. “Are you up for an adventure Madison? I’ll be diving to the bottom of the ocean right after the wedding.”

“I’m in,” Madison said. “I’m totally in.”

“Well,” I said, glancing around at the people I loved most. “I think my baby needs to go down for a nap. He’s had a big day.”

“Can you say understatement?” Tallulah said.

“Umm… yep. I can,” I replied with a laugh. “So Archer… are you ready to take your family home?”

“Would you like to go to your palace on Mount Olympus or your suite at the resort?” he asked with a sexy grin.

“Oh my hell and seashells. You have a palace?”

“We.
We have a palace. What’s mine is yours, my Mermaid—until the end of time.”

I was speechless, but not because I now had a palace. That was just fun. I was speechless because I was so happy. I had a demigod that I loved to distraction and the baby version of my best friend to raise. I still had no clue what Thornycraft actually was, but I would find out soon enough. My family was fine and I no longer blamed my father for something he didn’t do. I was the luckiest Mermaid in the Seven Seas and not a day would go by that I didn’t give thanks for that gift.

“Ready to start our life?” Archer asked, holding out his hand to me.

“Yes I am.”

And I was. I would follow my love to the ends of the world and back. Love did not stink.

I would never be all out of love and love would definitely keep us together. I had a bad case of loving Archer and I would never lose that loving feeling. This crazy little thing called love didn’t cost a thing. I might have a palace, but I would happily live in a shack with the demigod of Love.

Because love was no longer a battlefield.

It was what made the world go round.

— The End… for now —

NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR

If you enjoyed reading Misty’s Mayhem, please consider leaving a positive review or rating on the site where you purchased it. Reader reviews help my books continue to be valued by resellers and help new readers make decisions about reading them.

You are the reason I write these stories and I sincerely appreciate each of you!

Many thanks for your support,

~ Robyn Peterman

Want to hear about my new releases?

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MADISON’S MESS

SEA SHENANIGANS, BOOK 4

Visit robynpeterman.com for more info!

ROBYN’S BOOK LIST

(IN CORRECT READING ORDER)

HOT DAMNED SERIES

Fashionably Dead

Fashionably Dead Down Under

Hell on Heels

Fashionably Dead in Diapers

A Fashionably Dead Christmas

Fashionably Hotter Than Hell

Fashionably Dead and Wed

Fashionably Fanged

Fashionably Flawed

A Fashionably Dead Diary

Fashionably Forever After

Fashionably Fabulous

More coming soon…

SEA SHENANIGANS SERIES

Tallulah’s Temptation

Ariel’s Antics

Misty’s Mayhem

Madison’s Mess

SHIFT HAPPENS SERIES

Ready to Were

Some Were in Time

No Were To Run

Were Me Out

Where We Belong

MAGIC AND MAYHEM SERIES

Switching Hour

Witch Glitch

A Witch in Time

Magically Delicious

A Tale of Two Witches

Three’s A Charm

Switching Witches

HANDCUFFS AND HAPPILY EVER AFTERS SERIES

How Hard Can it Be?

Size Matters

Cop a Feel

If after reading all the above you are still wanting more adventure and zany fun, read Pirate Dave and His Randy Adventures, the romance novel budding novelist Rena was helping wicked Evangeline write in How Hard Can It Be?

Warning: Pirate Dave Contains Romance Satire, Spoofing, and Pirates with Two Pork Swords.

ABOUT ROBYN PETERMAN

Robyn Peterman writes because the people inside her head won’t leave her alone until she gives them life on paper. Her addictions include laughing really hard with friends, shoes (the expensive kind), Target, Coke Zero Cherry with extra ice in a Styrofoam cup, bejeweled reading glasses, her kids, her super-hot hubby and collecting stray animals.

A former professional actress with Broadway, film and T.V. credits, she now lives in the South with her family and too many animals to count.

Writing gives her peace and makes her whole, plus having a job where you can work in your underpants works really well for her. You can leave Robyn a message via the Contact Page and she’ll get back to you as soon as her bizarre life permits! She loves to hear from her fans!

Table of Contents

Title Page

Copyright

Contents

Acknowledgments

Dedication

Book Description

Prologue

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Note From The Author

Madison’s Mess

Robyn’s Book List

About Robyn Peterman