Date: 2011-07-06 00:00:00+00:00
Keywords: rock star; Contemporary; Romance; ml hamilton; Fiction
Description: Elena Harris knows what she should have - a doctor as a husband and a large home in the suburbs, but what Elena desires is passion. Enter Joshua Ravensong, the quintessential "bad boy. " A rock star struggling with a drug addiction, Ravensong falls for Elena, allowing her a chance to live out her fantasy, but one night of passion quickly turns into a relationship that might consume both of them.
Publisher: CreateSpace Publishing

Ravensong

ML Hamilton

Ravensong

ML Hamilton

Copyright 2011 by ML Hamilton

Smashwords Edition 1

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means without written permission from the author, except by a reviewer who may quote brief passages in a review to be printed by a newspaper, magazine or journal.

All Characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

“Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and cannot remain silent.”

--Victor Hugo

PROLOGUE

Joshua stared at the tear tracking down Jennifer’s face, noted the shape of it, the way it flowed over the contours of her cheek and rolled toward her chin. Her hands beat the window in slow motion, the glass reverberating with the impact, the sound reaching him a moment later. Her voice sounded muffled, underwater, her mouth moving in distortion, widening, narrowing, as she screamed.

He closed his eyes and turned away. The pounding translated to streaks of light against his eyelids, each beat a pulsation of energy. He felt his hand lift, the muscles moving without conscious thought, and he curled his fingers around the key. Turning the ignition, he heard the motor chug, then catch, the car roaring to life.

He opened his eyes. They fixated on the tree. It rose massive and arching in the yard, its bows shading the house and the sidewalk, its roots pressing up through the lawn, gnarled and twisted. In the darkness, it was a contrast of shadows, hollows, the only solid thing in the world. While all about it were frantic motions, frantic sounds, pitiful humans flitting about like moths around a light, it stood implacable, impenetrable, unconquerable.

Lifting his gaze, he saw his mother running from the house, saw her mouth open and knew she called his name, but he couldn’t hear her. Jennifer’s pounding against the window had become a wash of noise in his head, drowning out everything else.

His hand rose to the gearshift and he looked back at the tree. End this. End this now, he told himself. Free everyone. Free yourself.

He slammed the car into drive with a squeal of gears. His foot shifted and pounded down on the accelerator. He felt the wheels slip, then catch, felt the car lurch forward. It bounced violently as it left the driveway for the road, knocking his head on the ceiling. He wrenched the steering wheel to the right and the tires spun again without traction, then grabbed. The car struck the curb and rose over it, lifting him from the seat and slamming him down again.

The oak rose before him, branches stretched across the night sky, the trunk a wall of bark. Just before impact, he thought to wrench the steering wheel away. There had to be an easier way to go. But it was already too late. He stared in fascination as the car met tree, the bumper folding around the trunk, the impact thrusting him forward.

His body rammed into the steering column and his head impacted with the windshield. He heard glass shatter and instinctively closed his eyes. Then he was forcefully thrown backwards into the seat, but the forward momentum folded both the steering wheel and the seat around him, pinning him so that the steering column rested against his breastbone.

For a moment, he simply lay. His breath came out as a strange whistle and he heard someone moaning. He didn’t remember anyone else being in the car, then he realized that he was the one moaning. He felt numb. He wanted to open his eyes, but no part of him would respond. He tried to flex his fingers, tried to curl his toes, but nothing happened.

He wanted to think about his mother, Jennifer, James, but the pressure against his chest was distracting and now pain was beginning to radiate along nerve endings, along his forearms, across the small of his back. He gasped and the pain ground into him, making him want to squirm, but he couldn’t move.

He felt his heart pick up speed, beating frantically inside his chest, and he felt something hot oozing down his face, into his eyes. I’m going to die. The realization was ironic. Even in pain, he knew it was a ridiculous thought. Hadn’t that been the purpose, hadn’t that been what he wanted?

The roar in his head was dying and he became aware of a new sound – carrying over his own whistled breath, over the sound of steam rising from the engine, over the distant wail of sirens. He heard his mother screaming.

“Joshua!”

CHAPTER 1

Joshua watched the woman. She was small with chestnut brown hair wound in a bun, stray tendrils trailing down the back of her neck. A flash of white showed him an almost perfect smile. He moved through the crowd of male bodies to catch a closer look.

“Ah, there you are,” said David, touching the woman on the elbow and moving her toward Joshua.

She shifted and stared him point blank in the eyes as if challenging him to look away. Joshua wasn’t one to surrender from any challenge, but the scrutiny of her green eyes unnerved him. Deliberately he squared his shoulders and lifted his jaw.

“This is Elena Harris, our new Assistant Manager,” said David. “And this is our resident genius, Joshua Ravensong.”

Her green eyes swept over Joshua’s body as if she were measuring him against the image he presented in his movies. If she approved of what she saw, he didn’t know, for her gaze fixed on his face again without a glimmer of the usual desire Joshua had come to expect from women.

“Hello,” she said, holding out a hand for him to take.

“Hello, welcome to Avalanche,” he answered.

She smiled and turned away, asking David a question Joshua didn’t catch. Instead his eyes moved down her body, taking in every curve. Elliot’s sudden nudge in the ribs annoyed him.

“She’d make a priest hard, eh?” he muttered.

Joshua was used to Elliot’s crude remarks about women and normally he ignored them, but something about this remark rankled.

“I’d be careful what you say, El. She looks like she could knock you on your ass with a look.”

Elliot laughed. “I’ll take even that much attention,” he said, watching her walk away with David, trailed by the rest of the band members.

Joshua’s frown deepened. They were all acting like a bunch of dogs after a bitch in heat, scampering around her, trying to gain her fleeting attention. Shaking his head, he turned away.

“Keep your pants zipped,” he said. “She looks cold to me.”

“I guess so,” remarked Elliot, falling into step beside him. “She’s engaged.”

Joshua stopped walking. “She’s engaged?”

Elliot nodded. “To a doctor.”

Enough said. Joshua slid her into the unavailable category.

“We need to finish that song, El,” he said, deliberately changing the subject. “We go to the studio in less than three weeks.”

“Just waiting for the genius to take you,” answered Elliot, dropping his arm over Joshua’s shoulder.

Immediately Joshua began worrying over the lyrics to the song. Music had a way of shutting everything else out of Joshua’s mind. It was just as well. He didn’t need any more complications in his life.

* * *

Elena kicked her shoes off in the entryway and bent to stroke the cat. Savanna purred and rubbed against her leg, following her as she walked toward the kitchen. Elena thumbed through the mail as she went, dodging the couch.

She tore open one of the letters and began reading it as she fished a glass from the cupboard and wandered to the refrigerator, pulling out the bottled water. She poured herself a glass and then filled Savanna’s water bowl.

Glass in one hand, mail in the other, she maneuvered back through the kitchen and living room, picking up her shoes and heading to the stairs. Savanna followed her to the landing and then raced ahead to jump in the middle of Elena’s bed.

Elena placed the glass on her dresser and dropped the letters on the bed, lifting her hands to unbutton her silk blouse. As she discarded her business suit for some faded jeans and a flannel shirt, she punched the button on the answering machine.

The first message was from her mother, wanting to know how her first day on her new job had gone. Next was a message from John.

“Hey, babe, wondering where you are at six on a Monday?”

“I started a new job, remember,” said Elena to the machine, but the voice continued.

“Have a cocktail party to attend, so I’ll try to catch you tomorrow morning, around five your time. Spent the day learning about digital reattachments, got some great slides to show you.”

Elena grimaced.

“Anyway, made contact with a plastic surgeon who specializes in full thickness grafts. Interesting fellow, has a house in the Caymans he invited us to, his wife’s a lawyer. Fancy that - a chief of Orthopedics and a lawyer. Bet they’re rolling in it. Talked to the girls and they plan to come out at the end of the month. Hope you can do the same. What ya think? Tell me tomorrow and I’ll get you a ticket on the same flight.”

“I started a new job, John,” said Elena.

“Anyway, love ya. Bye.”

Elena drew a deep breath and turned away, picking up her suit and heading toward the closet. As she placed the hanger on the bar, her engagement ring caught in the light and sparkled. She drew back her hand and stared at it critically.

The diamond was enormous, too big. It dwarfed her hand and made her fingers look too short. It had been John’s mother’s ring. Elena had tried to talk them both out of giving it to her, but they’d insisted. John’s mother had looked so hurt when Elena said she couldn’t accept it. Elena’s argument about starting memories of their own had seemed remarkably petty.

Fly out to Colorado. Didn’t John remember she’d started a new job? No, he never seemed to remember anything that was important to her. Fly out to Colorado with his two daughters, one eighteen and the other twenty-one. What was he thinking there? He knew they hated her, and he knew Elena wasn’t overly comfortable with them.

She moved back to the bed and took a seat beside the phone. Savanna pushed her head under Elena’s hand, forcing her to pet her. Elena stroked the cat with one hand and searched for John’s hotel number with the other. Just as she found it, the phone rang again. She picked it up and leaned back against the pillows.

“Hello.”

“So what’s he like?”

Elena frowned. “Who, Katie?”

“Ravensong. Is he as gorgeous in person as he looks in his movies?”

Elena laughed. At least Kate had remembered she’d begun a new job. “Don’t you want to know about the job first? Whether I had a good day or not?”

“Who cares about you? I want to know about Ravensong.”

Elena laughed again. Ravensong...she’d only glanced at him, so absorbed with her new duties had she been. Handsome? “Of course he’s handsome,” she said.

“No, is he gorgeous?”

Elena tried to remember what he’d looked like. He’d been shorter than she expected, but most rock stars were. Gorgeous? She couldn’t say, she hadn’t looked at him that closely, but she did remember his eyes. Black, like velvet.

“I don’t know. I just met him for a moment. He has a nice voice and pretty eyes.”

“Pretty eyes? Hell, Elena, are you dead? What about his body? His hair? Do you think his eyes are real?”

“Real? What a question? What does that mean?”

“Not contacts. I mean he is Indian, so they probably are, but…”

“Native American,” Elena corrected to annoy Kate.

“Whatever? Are they really black?”

“They looked black to me, but why don’t you have lunch with me tomorrow and find out for yourself?”

Kate drew a ragged breath. “You mean it? Do you think he’ll be there?”

“He works there, Katie, of course he’ll be there.”

“And you’ll introduce us?”

“Of course,” said Elena, smiling to herself.

“Just think of it, Ellie. Me and Ravensong. The tabloids will have a field day.”

“Yeah, rock star and unknown crazy woman...”

“It could happen. Just one look and I’ll bet I’ve got him eating out of the palm of my hand.”

“Oh, I’ll bet. Listen, Katie, it’s been a long day and I’ve still got to call John so he won’t wake me at five tomorrow. Meet me at noon, okay?”

“Calling the stiff again, eh?”

“You’re a terrible friend.”

“See ya tomorrow.”

“Bye.”

Elena hung up the phone and ran her hands over Savanna’s sleek black coat. Black like Ravensong’s hair had been. She smiled to herself, thinking of Katie’s crazy obsession with the rock star. He was handsome, she’d noticed that much, but he was a rock star with a drug addiction and a young daughter - hell, no one needed that kind of baggage no matter how handsome the package.

* * *

Elena waited patiently outside David Forbes’ office. She studied the pictures on the wall, pictures of the various band members. Elliot Evans, the guitar player, was smiling like a cat with a canary in its mouth. Ralph White, the bassist, was making a characteristic face - he was known in the music business for his crazy sense of humor. Michael Smith, the drummer, was looking a little nervous and shy, while Robert Downing, the keyboardist, seemed very mellow and centered.

Then there was the photo of Ravensong. Elena’s eyes kept being drawn to it, despite herself. He was sitting sideways, his head turned slightly toward the camera and tilted seductively. His black hair had fallen over one shoulder and down across his bared chest. His open white shirt contrasted starkly with his black hair and copper skin.

The man was gorgeous on film. She had to admit that. Somehow the photographer had caught a sensuality in his eyes that made Elena catch her breath. There was something primal in his look, something almost predatory.

She didn’t realize how absorbed she was in studying the photo until someone cleared his throat behind her. She turned and caught David’s placid smile. The Head Manager was a short, heavyset man in his late thirties with a shock of thick brown hair and a round face that seemed inclined to smile.

“Great picture, huh?” he said.

“He’s very photogenic,” she said, feeling her cheeks heat with an embarrassment she didn’t quite understand.

“Photogenic, talented and brilliant. They don’t come along too often, but when they do...I keep wondering why I was the lucky bastard to get him.”

Elena smiled. “Sounds like a god.”

“No, enough flaws to make him completely human, but the looks and the genius. Believe me, you don’t see many living legends and those you find don’t live too long.”

“You wanted to meet with me this morning?”

“I wanted to escort you to your first Avalanche meeting. We have them every morning promptly at eight. They can be...well, traumatic sometimes, so I thought it might be good to forewarn you. When you work with artists it can get insane.”

Elena returned the smile. “I know. I’ve been in the music business for ten years, remember? On the recording side. I can’t imagine there’s a more temperamental time in an artist’s life.”

David laughed. “Guess not. Well, after you.” He motioned toward the door leading into the hallway and waited for Elena to precede him. They passed many offices on both sides of the hall and David told her who each belonged to. Then he halted in the enormous reception area in front of the elevators.

“I want to make something perfectly clear, Elena. This is a predominantly male business...”

“No kidding,” she said with a laugh to lighten the mood.

“Well, it’s important you understand. I expect you to hold your own, speak your mind when necessary, and don’t feel like you can’t give back as good as you get. I hired you because I knew you were a strong person - all of your references confirmed my instincts. If you find something offensive or sexist, I expect you to point it out...”

And not bring it to you, thought Elena.

“I’ll be just fine, David, and don’t worry, I always speak my mind.”

David returned her smile. “Good.” He motioned down the other hallway and they moved off side by side.

“Where did you get the idea to expand the business beyond the touring and recording?” asked Elena, impressed with the size of the company David and the band members had founded.

“Bands come and go, as you know. Styles change, music changes. I didn’t want us to be a flash in the pan. I wasn’t sure we’d ever be more than a garage band to begin with until...”

She glanced at him from the corner of her eyes. “Until Ravensong came along.”

David nodded. “He changed everything. In a short year, he catapulted us into stardom. Ravensong has a vision that will outlast time itself.”

Elena laughed. “Isn’t that a little long?”

David laughed also. “Well, you haven’t seen him work yet.”

“Then why isn’t he part owner of Avalanche?”

David halted in the hallway and studied her. “Joshua came to us in a very vulnerable part of his life.”

“After rehab?”

“Yes,” said David, “We were all worried that it wouldn’t work. Heroin is a horrible drug and once addicted...but Joshua’s proven us wrong. He’s been clean nine years. Anyway, when we offered him a partnership, he refused. I think he likes not having the responsibility of a business. Hell, he’s got plenty of money and if he added Avalanche to his financial sheet, he’d just have to up his alimony check. His ex-wife gets more than half of what he makes anyway.”

“So back to the original question...”

“Yeah, I wanted us to have a more stable form of income when the inevitable fall out of grace came. So I thought that if we promoted other starting bands - helped them record, rented them equipment, set up gigs, etc., we’d never be without paychecks.”

“Sounds smart.”

“And lucrative,” answered David, opening the door behind him.

Elena followed him into a large conference room with a banquet table against one wall and a conference table dividing the room in half. The wall opposite the door was a bank of floor to ceiling windows that looked out over the city. From where she stood, Elena had a beautiful view of the Golden Gate Bridge and Alcatraz.

At once the band members rose from the table and crowded around her, reintroducing themselves. Elena smiled at each of them and took their hands. Finally David waved them away and pulled a man in a stiff business suit in front of her.

“This is my second in command, Elena, and your immediate boss, Julian Howard.”

Elena extended her hand and accepted Julian’s, which felt clammy to the touch. “Nice to meet you.”

“Sorry I wasn’t available to meet you yesterday, or to interview you.” He shot a disapproving glance at David and Elena guessed her hire must be a sore spot between them.

“That’s all right. I was a bit overwhelmed yesterday anyway,” she said, smiling brightly.

Julian didn’t return the smile. He simply looked her over. He was a thin man with mousey brown hair that was receding and a pinched face. His suit was immaculately pressed and a little stuffy. Elena wondered how he’d ever gotten into the sordid music business to begin with.

“We meet every morning, promptly at eight,” he said, casting a look around the room. Elena followed his gaze and noticed that all the band members were assembled, except Ravensong.

“Even if there’s nothing to meet about,” said Ralph with a twisted smile. “Julian’s got to have one grand stand a day.”

Julian shot the bassist a withering look, but Elena couldn’t help but smile. Turning back abruptly, Julian caught the smile and frowned in annoyance. Elena tried to make her face serious once more.

“And I expect you here at seven thirty, in your office, in case I need to find you...”

“So you can get him a cup of coffee, black with a splash of cream,” said Ralph.

The other band members snickered and Elena fought the smile that threatened again.

“Okay, okay,” said David. “You can give her your expectations later. Come on, Elena, there’s coffee, tea, and pastries over here if you’d like.”

As David led her to the banquet table, she felt Julian’s disapproving stare on her back. Elliot Evans, the guitar player, placed himself on her right elbow.

“Try the bear claw,” he whispered as he poured himself another cup of coffee. “They’re the best.”

Elena smiled at him as she tore open a tea bag and placed it in a cup, then poured hot water over it. “I avoid bear claws and other such sweets.”

“So should I,” he answered, patting his stomach.

Elena smiled again and taking her tea, turned to face the table. “Where should I sit?”

“Next to me,” said Elliot.

David shook his head at the guitarist. “Wherever you’d like,” he answered and motioned her toward the table.

She took a seat on the right side of the room so she could look out over the Golden Gate. Elliot promptly placed himself at her left, Ralph at her right. Next to Ralph sat Michael Smith, the drummer, and directly across from Michael was Robert Downing, the keyboardist, who lifted his coffee cup in salute to her. David occupied the head of the table and Julian sat to his immediate left. The only other seat that remained unoccupied was the one directly across from Elena. She studied it a moment curiously, then decided that since Ravensong wasn’t a partner in the business, he probably didn’t attend the daily meetings.

“Julian,” said David.

Julian thumped some files together before him, running his hands down the side to make sure they were straight.

Anal retentive, thought Elena, and wondered if she was going to like her new boss.

“We need to make a decision on the cover today.” He opened the first file folder and pulled out some cover designs on poster board. He tossed them into the middle of the table and the band members each moved to select one for study. Elena glanced at the cover in Elliot’s hand and then in Ralph’s. Neither were very appealing to her. She reached into the middle of the table and selected another.

It looked like a cartoon drawing of the band standing beneath a mountain with a mound of snow flowing down over the top of them. Each of the band member’s bodies were cartoon with a real photo of their faces superimposed. It was childish and obvious, but what drew her attention was the photo of Ravensong. The others were making silly faces, only Ravensong seemed serious, his dark eyes piercing in the picture. A shudder went through Elena and she placed the cover down on the table, looking up into Julian’s beady little eyes.

“That’s the one we’re thinking of going with,” he said, nodding at the cover.

Elena looked down on it again. Why? It was horrible. Elliot groaned at her side and Ralph made a face.

“What do you think of it?” said Julian.

She knew this was a test. The response of the band members told her they didn’t like it. Should she tell the truth, tell him it was awful or should she be diplomatic and say she liked it to keep in her boss’s good graces? She was saved for the moment by the opening of the door.

Ravensong swooped into the room, heading for the table and pouring himself a cup of coffee. Julian’s attention was immediately diverted. He sat back in his chair and his lips came down tight over his teeth.

“Well, good morning Hiawatha, couldn’t find your way out of the tipi on time?”

Elena’s eyes widened in astonishment. Ravensong turned from the table and glared at Julian. He started to say something, but David interrupted him.

“That’s enough, Julian.”

“These meetings start at eight. I expect you to buy an alarm clock,” Julian continued.

Ravensong took three strides forward. “You can take your meetings and shove them up your...”

“All right,” interrupted David again, shooting a quick glance in Elena’s direction. “Take a seat, Joshua. We were just discussing the cover.”

Ravensong glowered at Julian a moment more. Elena could feel the tension between the two men. This certainly wasn’t the first time they’d conflicted before. Finally Julian broke the stare and Ravensong moved to his chair, slipping into it.

Elliot leaned over the table and whispered something to him, which Elena didn’t catch. He nodded once and then his gaze shifted to Elena. Their eyes locked for a moment. Elena felt a thrill course up her spine. Lord, he had beautiful eyes.

“Well,” demanded Julian, “what do you think of the cover?”

Elena tore her gaze from Ravensong and regarded the cover once more. Truth, she must tell the truth no matter what the outcome.

“I think it’s awful.”

Ralph burst into laughter beside her and Julian’s eyes widened in surprise. The rest of the band members seemed equally stunned and for a moment she wondered if she hadn’t made a fatal error. She felt Ravensong’s eyes on her again and glanced at him. He was studying her with interest.

“Why is it awful?” asked David, leaning back in his chair and steepling his hands before him.

Elena lifted the cover and held it away from her, trying to view it at every angle. “It’s childish and obvious,” she said. “These cartoon figures make it look like the album is a joke, that not even the band members take it seriously. And how many times can you draw a picture of an avalanche? It’s getting old. Everyone knows the name of the band, you don’t have to keep promoting it, your music does that.”

“Well, which of the covers do you think suit it better?” said Julian.

“None,” said Elena truthfully. “They’re all awful.”

“We spent a lot of money on these covers...”

“Let her finish,” said Ravensong.

Elena glanced at him again and he nodded.

She drew a deep breath. This might be her last day at her new job, but at least she’d leave knowing she’d been true to them and herself. “I think a simple photo of the band on a white background would say a lot more. Have the name of the album stenciled above the photo and the name of the band beneath. Simple, clean, and precise.”

Silence met her suggestion.

Finally Julian broke it. “And how much experience do you have designing covers?”

Elena started to answer, but Ravensong preempted her. “You asked her opinion. The least you could do is listen to it.”

Julian rose to his feet and Ravensong lifted his head as if challenging him to make a move. Again tension snaked through the room. David put a restraining hand on Julian’s arm.

“Sit down, Julian,” he said and gave Ravensong an equally dissatisfied look.

“Aw, come on, David, I’d personally like to see Julian defend his honor,” said Ralph. “If he can shoot off his mouth, he ought to be willing to defend the idiocy that comes out.”

“Why don’t you shut your mouth?” snapped Julian.

“Oh, hold me back, hold me back,” cried Ralph, holding his arms out for Elena to take.

Elena glanced down at the table, feeling guilty that she’d caused this uproar.

“Knock it off, both of you,” said David.

“I can’t do anything about you, but I sure as hell can do something about him,” Julian said, pointing his finger at Ravensong.

“What?” demanded Ralph. “Ground him?”

“You stupid son of a bitch,” said Julian, drowning out David’s repeated protests. “I’ll fire him for insubordination.”

Elliot and Robert laughed derisively. Ralph dramatically closed his mouth and Michael bowed his head.

“What would you stupid bastards do then, eh? Can’t do a damn thing without him, can you? Hell, you’ve become so dependent on one lousy drug addict that you can’t even shit by yourselves!”

Ravensong came to his feet in one swift motion. Elena caught her breath and silence descended in the room again.

“Do it, you coward,” said Ravensong in a terribly still voice. “Fire me if you’ve got the balls.”

“Oh, believe me, I’d like to. You parade around here like a friggin’ god, but we all know that sooner or later, we’ll find you passed out somewhere with a needle stickin’ out of your arm.”

“Julian...” gasped David.

Elena couldn’t take anymore. She was on her feet before she knew what she was doing. “I can’t believe this,” she said, her voice trembling with fury. “I thought I was coming to work for a professional organization, but this is ridiculous. It may cost me my job, but I’m sorry, I can’t sit here and listen to you anymore. Since this man entered the room, you’ve done nothing but bait him. If you’re angry that he was late for the meeting, that’s one thing, but your insults are out of line and unprofessional. I don’t know how he’s kept from knocking you on your uptight ass because I sure know I would if I were him.”

Backing away from the table, she glanced around at all of their stunned faces. Ravensong was staring at her in amazement, but she thought she read approval in his look. Lifting her head, she turned her back on them and went for the door.

It was only once she was in the hall that her knees began to shake. She leaned against the door and took a deep breath. Behind her the room erupted in a chaos of yelling voices.

Lord, what have I done, she thought, then remembered the look on Ravensong’s face and decided it was worth it in the end. She couldn’t work for an organization that allowed such abuse. Drawing a deep breath she headed down the hall for her office. She definitely wouldn’t add this job to her resume - shortest job in history.

She heard the door open behind her and the roar of angry voice grew louder for a moment before it was muffled again. She stopped walking, sure it was either David or Julian to relieve her of her duties, but as she turned, she was surprised to see Ravensong strolling after her.

He stopped in front of her and scrutinized her with his piercing eyes.

Lord, he is gorgeous, she thought, taking in his finely chiseled features, high cheekbones, strong chin. He wore a pair of tight jeans that revealed the taut muscles in his thighs and a loose white shirt. His black hair fell like a curtain around his shoulders, the front of his hair pulled over his forehead and braided down his back, ending in a leather tie.

“Thanks,” he said in a husky voice.

She swallowed, surprised by the thrill of excitement that coursed through her. She wasn’t usually moved by handsome faces and equally attractive male bodies, but there was something in Ravensong’s look that made her heart beat a little faster.

Hell, I’m star struck, she thought, but it didn’t make sense. She’d worked with a lot of stars before and no matter how handsome they were, she’d never been the least bit interested.

“No need,” she answered, clasping her hands to still their trembling. “You know the direction to unemployment?”

He laughed. The sound was a deep rumbling in his chest and another chill coursed up Elena’s spine. She suppressed an urge to place her hand against his chest to feel the laugh as it left his throat.

“I don’t think you’ll be fired,” he said. “David was looking for someone who would stand up to Julian’s tyranny.”

“Why does he hate you so much?”

Ravensong narrowed his eyes in amusement. “You gathered that this quickly?”

“It isn’t hard to see,” she answered, finding it difficult to meet his stare.

“I don’t know why he hates me, but he does. Anyway it doesn’t really matter, except I’m sick of turning the other cheek.”

“I don’t know how you put up with it. I couldn’t.”

“I’m beginning to wonder the same thing,” he said, never removing his eyes from her. He smiled slightly, the left corner of his mouth lifting.

Elena became suddenly aware of the beauty mark resting just above his upper lip. An urge to place her lips against it nearly staggered her with its power. She shook her head and forced herself to look down.

“I understand you’re engaged,” he said and she looked up quickly, surprised by the remark.

“Yes,” she said, drawing a steadying breath. “Engaged, yes. To a doctor.”

Ravensong nodded with the same crooked smile. “A doctor.”

“Yes,” she said once more, realizing she sounded ridiculous. “He’s a doctor, yes.”

Again the deep, rumbling laugh. “You don’t say.”

She blushed and lowered her head, but not before he caught her smile. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.”

“Well, I better get back to my office. I’d rather not run into my boss just yet.”

“Good idea,” remarked Ravensong and she looked up at him.

Damn you are gorgeous, her thoughts screamed. “See you later.”

“Yes, you will,” he said cryptically and moved past her, his shoulder brushing against hers. A thrill of pure desire spiraled through her, surprising her in its intensity and she turned to watch him retreat.

The braid was swinging back and forth in his hair as he walked, inadvertently directing her attention lower to the firm outline of his buttocks in his tight jeans. Elena frowned, troubled by the feelings in her body, but she couldn’t take her eyes off Ravensong as he strode away. Only when he’d disappeared from sight did she realize something else. He smelled fantastic, so male, so clean.

Drawing a shaken breath, Elena brushed the stray hair from her forehead. What was she thinking? Every gorgeous inch of Joshua Ravensong was trouble and she was engaged to another man. Not to mention the fact that he was in a relationship with a very tall and beautiful model in Hollywood. She laughed at her foolish reaction to him. He was handsome, all right, but he did have a drug problem, no matter that he’d been clean for nine years, an ex-wife who bled him for every penny he had, and an eight year old daughter. She didn’t need any of that, even if he was interested in her. And he couldn’t be, not with his beautiful model waiting for him every weekend down in L.A. Besides she wasn’t Kate and she wasn’t stupid. She’d never allowed herself to get involved with a rock star before and she wasn’t going to start now.

* * *

Joshua looked out the window of his office, his eyes scanning the bridge, but his mind wasn’t on the sight. He was thinking about Elena, the assistant manager David had hired. She was so tiny. Standing with her in the hallway, he’d had time to study exactly how tiny she was. If he’d taken her in his arms, her head would barely reach his breastbone.

He shook his head. What was he thinking? She was engaged to another man, wore his gaudy ring on her finger. He moved from the window and slumped down in the leather chair, putting his feet on the desk. He studied the toe of his leather boots intently, but his thoughts returned to Elena.

Her hair was brown, stray strands escaping to curl around her oval face. She seemed to always wear it up, pinned away, but he knew that if he removed the pins it would tumble down over his hands, a luxuriant mass that he could wind around his fingers. He flexed his hands. How he’d wanted to unbind her hair and sink his fingers in it.

He drew a ragged breath. And the way she’d sprung to her feet, her throaty voice putting Julian in his place as he’d never been handled before. Such fire!

Again he shook his head. She was engaged and he was involved. He thought of Megan, tall, willowy Megan with her long legs and blond hair. When they lay in bed together, Megan was so tall she couldn’t lay her head against his chest, but Elena...

Dropping his feet to the ground, he placed his elbows on the desk and rested his chin in his hands. He wanted Elena. Best to admit it. Whenever he’d been passingly interested in a woman, she always did the work for him. And there’d never been a woman he remotely wanted that he hadn’t had. He sensed it would be different with Elena. She didn’t seem to be the type bowled over by his looks or his bank account. She knew what she wanted and what she wanted wasn’t a recovering drug addict with a history of promiscuity.

And he didn’t need the complication of an office romance - hell, one night stand. He didn’t want a relationship with Elena, he just wanted her for one night, nothing more. And he felt fairly certain he only wanted her because she was unavailable. The conquest was what intrigued him - not her wealth of chestnut hair or her fiery green eyes.

Annoyed with himself, he pressed the intercom button for his secretary.

Alice answered immediately. “Yes, lord and master,” she said, teasing him.

“I need a ticket to L.A. I want to leave tonight. Call Megan for me and tell her when I’ll be arriving. I’m going home now to pack,” he said in a rush, feeling more anxious to leave than ever before. A few nights with Megan would do him good. A few days away from Julian would be even better, and an absence from Elena would be best of all.

“Done,” said Alice and he released the intercom button.

Yes, a few nights with Megan would take care of this hunger, and when he came back, Elena would mean absolutely nothing to him. He leaned back in the chair and swiveled it to look out the window again. Already he felt much better.

CHAPTER 2

Elena entered the conference room with trepidation. She didn’t know if she was welcome anymore after the previous morning, but no one had come to relieve her of her duties and she’d waited in her office all day, even canceling lunch with Kate. At five, she wandered down the hall toward David’s office, but he’d left earlier that afternoon. Julian was also gone. On impulse, she meandered past Ravensong’s office. She’d lost her courage then and had simply retreated home.

Elliot was standing at the banquet table as she entered and gave her a warm smile. She returned it, grateful for this show of friendship.

“I didn’t think you’d come back after yesterday,” he said.

She studied his face a moment. He had a mass of curly brown hair and equally brown eyes. His face was friendly and open. Hadn’t she read in a tabloid somewhere that he was the only person who could bring Ravensong out of his shell after rehab?

“I thought I might be fired. You heard anything to that effect?”

His face became troubled. “No, of course not. If they fire you...” He stopped short as the door opened and Julian entered.

The manager glared in their direction, but didn’t speak, moving directly to his place at the table. Elena reached for a tea bag and placed it in a cup.

“What you did yesterday took a hell of a lot of courage,” whispered Elliot as Michael and Ralph entered the room.

Elena smiled at him in gratitude, watching the steam rise from her cup.

“Hey, tiger, come back to finish the kill,” said Ralph, placing an arm over her shoulder.

Elena laughed and looked down.

“So,” he continued to Elliot, his eyes making a quick sweep of the room, “where’s Josh? Did he say whether he’d show today?”

“Took off yesterday,” said Elliot confidentially. “Down to L.A.”

Elena’s head lifted and she stared at Elliot in surprise.

“How long is he going to be gone?” asked Michael in a worried voice. “We need to rehearse before we go to the studio.”

Elliot shrugged. “You know how he gets after a blowout like yesterday. Could be a week or a month. I wouldn’t expect him back before next Monday. He was pissed enough this time to quit.”

Ralph shook his head. “Julian’s just itching to ruin everything for us. I wish we could get rid of that bastard.”

“Shh,” hissed Michael, “I don’t want any more trouble today.” He leaned closer to Elliot. “You think he’ll come back, right?”

“Of course he will,” interrupted Ralph. “Once he gets his fill of the beautiful Megan Wheeler.”

Elena looked away, surprised at how this information unsettled her. Ravensong had left yesterday to go down to his lover in Los Angeles. When Elena had gone to the market last night, the cover of Vogue had attracted her attention - blond bombshell Megan Wheeler in a skimpy bikini that showed every inch of her impressive cleavage. Elena couldn’t compete with that - she was neither tall nor overly endowed.

Picking up her tea, she headed for the table, forcing the disturbing image of Ravensong and Megan from her mind. She hesitated a moment as David entered the room beside Robert. They both gave her a warm smile and proceeded on to the banquet table.

The meeting began promptly and no one mentioned the previous day or the fact that Ravensong was missing. However, Elena’s eyes kept roving toward his chair and her thoughts persistently fixed on him with Megan. It bothered her that she felt this stab of ridiculous jealousy or that she felt she had the right to. Finally she looked down on her engagement ring, reminding herself that as soon as John returned from his sabbatical in Colorado, they were going to plan their wedding.

“Elena,” said Julian, startling her out of her thoughts. “David and I discussed this business about the cover yesterday afternoon. We both found your idea intriguing and we’d like to turn the project over to you.”

Elena’s eyes widened in surprise and she couldn’t speak for a moment. She could tell by the tightening of Julian’s jaw that he hadn’t been intrigued nor was the idea of turning the project over to her his idea, but diplomacy had demanded he present it. Her gaze shifted to David gratefully.

“Hire a photographer and work out a shooting schedule with the band. I can give you the names of a few excellent graphic artists you can interview,” said David with one of his warm smiles.

“I don’t know what to say,” stammered Elena, overwhelmed at the change in events. Just an hour before she’d been sure she would be fired and now she was in charge of the new album cover.

“I can give you the name of the photographer we use for all of our publicity shots. She’s quite talented and has worked with the band numerous times,” added Julian.

“Thank you,” she said, “I would appreciate your help.” Diplomacy worked both ways, she decided.

David nodded in approval and Julian looked down as if to show he’d made enough concessions for the year. Elliot was smiling at her when she turned back around and he reached out to squeeze her shoulder. Elation filled Elena, but it deflated a bit as her gaze came to rest on Ravensong’s empty chair. How she wished he’d been here to see Julian humbled.

Shaking her head, she forced this thought away. She intended to enjoy her first triumph and nothing was going to spoil this moment - not even the image of the black-eyed lead singer in bed with another woman.

* * *

Elena watched the photographer toy with another shot, which deliberately singled Ravensong out from the rest of the members of the band. No one seemed overly thrilled with this distinction, especially the lead singer. As Cara moved him into position, her fingers trailed intimately up his thigh. He backed up and looked away, but she merely laughed at his discomfort.

Elena frowned. Where did this woman get off thinking she had the right to touch him in such an unprofessional manner? And why did Ravensong think he had to put up with it when he obviously didn’t like it?

He’d returned three days ago, much sooner than anyone had expected. He didn’t say anything about his trip to L.A., but Elena got the feeling it hadn’t gone as well as he’d hoped. She hadn’t spoken with him since his return and had only seen him during the daily meetings, but he seemed preoccupied and moody. Elliot had mentioned that he wasn’t acting like himself. Elena wondered what was eating at him, then wondered why it mattered to her.

Cara peered through the camera for a few seconds, then threw back her head, shaking her short black hair. “This just won’t work.”

The band members groaned in protest. How many times was she going to rearrange them? And how many more rolls of film did she need to take? They’d been shooting pictures for the last three days and Elena had yet to see a preliminary specimen. Julian’s deadline for the rough draft was tomorrow and she didn’t relish telling him she didn’t even have the photo shot yet. He expected to see a mock-up of the completed project with the graphic artist’s rendering included.

It nettled her that Cara was his choice of photographers and Elena had felt obliged to use her despite her better judgment. Was Julian setting her up for failure? Elena wasn’t foolish enough to believe he’d given her the project out of good will or confidence in her abilities. It was a test and when she failed to produce the results, she was sure he’d high tail it to David with his complaint. Elena just might lose her job yet and she hadn’t held it for a full two weeks.

“What’s wrong now?” she dared to question the temperamental photographer.

“Shh,” commanded Cara, glaring at her as she moved toward Ravensong once again. “Let’s put you here, Gorgeous.”

She hooked her arm through his and led him back toward the other members of the band, but rather than allowing him to blend in, she set him on a chair in front of them, her hands caressing his shoulders and chest in a mockery of positioning him.

“I don’t think this is what we want...” he began, but she shook a single finger in front of him.

“You aren’t being paid to think, baby, just sit still and look beautiful.”

He started to say something, then caught Elena’s eyes and looked away, his jaw tightening in irritation and humiliation. Elena’s frown deepened.

Making a box out of her hands, Cara backed away from them and put a hand out to her assistant for another camera. She looked through the viewfinder yet again, then shuddered and held the camera out to the assistant with an impatient jerk of her arm.

“This just doesn’t do it for me. Let’s take your shirt off, baby,” she said to Ravensong.

His eyes flashed to Elena for help. Although it might cost her her job, Elena couldn’t deny the look any longer. Chewing on her lip, she approached the photographer.

“I don’t think that’s necessary.”

“No one asked you to think either,” remarked Cara without even giving her a glance.

Rage spiraled through Elena and she moved deliberately in front of Cara to command her attention.

“Your tactics are not only unprofessional, they are unproductive. You are two days behind schedule and you haven’t shown me that you intend to catch up any time soon.”

“You can’t rush genius.”

Elena’s brows lifted in surprise. “Genius, is that what you call it? All I’ve seen so far is your over-active libido.”

Cara’s eyes widened in mock offense. “What does that mean?”

“It means you haven’t taken any pictures in the last two days because you’ve been too busy putting your hands all over the lead singer.”

“How do you think I capture his sensuality? I’ve got to get him in the mood.”

“I don’t think he’s in the mood for anything but running away from you.”

Cara gasped. “Since when do you speak for him?”

Elena moved closer and lowered her voice so only Cara could hear. “What you’re doing here is called sexual harassment and it’s illegal. Just because Ravensong’s a man, doesn’t mean he has to put up with it nor do I. Pack up your gear, you’re fired.”

“You can’t do that!”

“I just did,” answered Elena, turning her back on the photographer. She strolled toward the band members. “We’ll take a two hour lunch break and meet back here at three to finish the shoot.”

“You can’t do this!” persisted Cara. “I’ll tell Julian.”

Elena turned. “Go right ahead. You’re still fired. Pack up your gear and get out before I call security.”

Cara sputtered, but seemed to understand that Elena meant what she said. Waving a furious hand at her assistant, she stormed from the auditorium and slammed the door on her way out. The band members didn’t move, they simply stared at Elena in shock. They all knew she had to make deadline by tomorrow.

Elena regarded them placidly. “Take a break. We’ll finish up this afternoon. You have my word on it.”

Ralph broke the spell with a characteristic laugh. “Hell, I think I’ll have a beer to celebrate. Anyone want to join me.”

The rest agreed, except Ravensong who was still staring at Elena.

“Coming, Josh?” asked Elliot over his shoulder as they moved toward the door.

He shook his head. “No, I’m not hungry. I’ll get something later.”

Elena watched them leave and then retreated to the bleachers, lifting her purse and snapping it open. As she searched through it, Ravensong approached her.

“Why’d you do that?” he asked, leaning a hip against the bench and crossing his arms over his chest.

Elena glanced up at him. “She wasn’t producing and I didn’t like her unprofessional behavior.”

“You’ll never make Julian’s deadline now. You know as well as I do that he only agreed to this project to watch you fail so he could fire you.”

Elena paused in rummaging through her purse and considered his words for a moment. “I don’t intend to fail,” she told him firmly, then hesitated and looked up at him again. “Why do you put up with that kind of treatment? I could see you didn’t like it.”

He considered her words now, then shook his head. “I don’t know. I guess I’m just used to it. It’s easier on the band anyway if I just comply.”

Elena moved closer to him, crossing her arms in front of her. “You don’t have to take that, Joshua. Sexual harassment is sexual harassment whether you’re a man or a woman. No one has the right to make you feel uncomfortable or degraded.” Her voice rang with emotion, but she wasn’t sure why it made her so angry to see him accept such humiliating treatment.

He drew a deep breath. “I’ve never learned how to say no, Elena. I guess I’ve never thought I had the right.”

“You do. You don’t belong to Avalanche or anyone else for that matter.”

He looked away, a troubled expression on his face. “Anyway, what are you going to do now?”

Elena reached for her purse again and started searching through it. “Fortunately my best friend’s a photo journalist for the Chronicle. She’d love to help me out of this jam.”

“What if she’s busy?”

Elena laughed. “Katie, hell, she’ll jump at the chance to freelance a little with a famous rock band.” Elena didn’t add that Kate would do anything for the chance to meet Ravensong; she thought it would sound a bit hypocritical after her previous lecture. “Now if I could just find a graphic artist who’d be willing to work late tonight.”

Ravensong smiled his crooked, seductive smile. “It just so happens I have a good friend who’s a graphic artist. He’s done work for the band before and he owes me a favor.”

Elena shook her head. “No, you don’t have to bail me out of this mess...”

“You got me out of that mess,” he said, nodding over his shoulder. Then his face became serious, his eyes piercing. “I don’t want to see you lose this job, Elena. You’ve brought a breath of fresh air into this organization and I don’t want you to leave.”

She had to suppress an urge to throw her arms around his neck. “Thank you,” she said with emotion, “I really appreciate it.”

He shook his head. “Let’s go make a few phone calls. After you,” he replied, motioning her in front of him.

* * *

It was nearly eight o’clock by the time Kate finished the shoot, but finally she put her camera down and rubbed the back of her neck, then smiled at her captive audience.

“We’re done,” she announced.

Her announcement was met with weary cheers from everyone. Elena hugged her friend in gratitude, but Kate brushed her off. “Don’t thank me until we’ve developed the pictures.”

“Go home everyone,” said Elena. “Julian still expects you bright and early at eight.”

“Can’t wait,” said Ralph sarcastically, wrinkling his nose at Elena.

She laughed and knelt to help Kate pack up her gear as they filed from the auditorium. Only Ravensong stayed behind.

“How long will it take to develop the film?” he asked.

Kate snapped to attention immediately, giving him her most winning smile. “An hour, two at tops.”

He returned the smile. “I’ll call Fred and ask him to wait,” he said, directing his comment to Elena.

“If you give me the address, I can meet you at his office.”

Ravensong shook his head. “It isn’t good for a woman to be traveling the streets of San Francisco alone in the middle of the night. Why don’t I follow you and Kate to her darkroom and then we can drive over to Fred’s together. I’ll take you home when we’re finished - you live in Marin, don’t you?”

Elena’s heart began to pound faster and her cheeks heated. “Yeah, but I don’t want to put you out...”

“You aren’t putting me out,” he answered with a frown. “How far is your darkroom from your house?” His gaze shifted to Kate.

“The darkroom’s in my house,” she answered with a purr.

“Good, then it’s settled. I’ll meet you by the elevators in a few minutes.” He left the room before Elena could protest further.

Both women watched him retreat and then Elena began packing the gear once more. Kate stood over her, staring at her with shuttered eyes.

“So?”

Elena looked up. “So?”

“You want to tell me what’s going on or do I have to drag it out of you?”

“What are you talking about, Katie?”

Kate’s smile was mischievous. “It isn’t safe for a woman to be traveling the streets of San Francisco alone in the middle of the night. You live in Marin, don’t you?” she said, mimicking Ravensong.

“He’s being chivalrous.”

“Chivalrous, my ass. His eyes were traveling all over you when he said that. He wants you.”

Elena shook her head in amusement. “Good God, Katie, he’s seeing Megan Wheeler. What would he see in me? I’m short and I’m not exactly...well...” Elena looked down at her bust line significantly.

“Cut the crap, Ellie. I’ve seen that look in a man’s eyes before - not often, but once in a while - and he isn’t thinking about saving your virtue, if you know what I mean?”

“No, I don’t,” said Elena, rising to her feet and depositing Kate’s camera bag in her arms. “Besides, just forget it, all right? If you remember, I’m also unavailable.”

Kate looked away and shook her head in disgust. “You can’t tell me you’d give up a fling with Joshua Ravensong for that dull, decrepit doctor of yours.”

“I did make a commitment to John and I am wearing his mother’s ring.”

Kate laughed at the inside joke. “Well, let’s just say that if that man were to proposition me, I wouldn’t refuse him.”

Elena put on a surprised face. “And all this time I thought you hated John.”

Kate shook her head and laughed once more. “Really, you’re impossible. Come on, let’s get our knight in shining armor and finish this up. I’m tired.”

Elena slipped her arm around Kate’s shoulder. “I really do appreciate you bailing me out.”

“Don’t mention it, just give me intimate details when you and Joshua finally hit the sheets.”

“Really, Katie, do you have to be so crude?” scolded Elena as they turned out the lights in the auditorium and headed down the hall.

* * *

It was nearing one in the morning when they took seats around the graphic artist’s computer. It was fascinating to watch Fred move the titles about, shifting them into every color of the rainbow. Elena was fairly definite about what she wanted, so Joshua merely sat back and watched her and Fred work. Her voice took on such a note of excitement, Joshua couldn’t have helped but be enchanted with her.

“What if we changed the font, slant the letters a little toward the right?” she said, pointing at the characters on the screen. “I want the photo to be sufficiently large so that the consumer can see it without needing glasses.”

Fred nodded. “This font ought to do it,” he said, moving the mouse rapidly over the desk and clicking on various icons.

Joshua glanced at the screen briefly, but he didn’t really understand computers. Furthermore they held no interest for him, but Elena was entranced and she moved forward, her thigh brushing against his. An electrical current shot through Joshua and he clenched his jaw.

Elena became suddenly aware of their contact and she looked up at him, her eyes dilated, her breath coming a little more quickly. Their gazes locked.

“Well, what do you think?” said Fred, leaning back in his chair to study his work.

Elena didn’t seem to hear him, her attention riveted on Joshua.

“Well?” said Fred, shifting now. He caught the look on their faces and turned abruptly away.

Joshua broke the stare, glancing quickly at the computer screen. “Looks good, Fred.”

The deep rumble of his voice startled Elena out of her meditation and she looked toward the screen, her cheeks heating with embarrassment.

“It’s perfect. Can you print it up so I can place the photo against it and get an idea of the finished product?”

“Of course,” answered Fred, glad the tense moment had passed. “I’ll print it on a clear medium, that way you won’t have to cut or paste the photo and the two can be separated to view independently.”

He pushed the chair to the other side of his desk and opened a file drawer. As he rummaged through it, Elena chanced a second glance at Joshua. He smiled crookedly at her, deliberately pouring on all the charm he could muster.

Lord, he’d never wanted a woman this badly before. It was becoming increasingly hard to remind himself she was engaged to another man. As usual, some of her hair had escaped her French braid and had curled around her cheekbone. He reached out impulsively and brushed it away, his fingers grazing her smooth skin. He was pleased to see she didn’t attempt to pull away.

Encouraged by her response, he moved to touch her again, but Fred turned back at that moment, pulling the paper tray from the printer and placing the clear sheet inside. Elena shifted her attention immediately and waited expectantly while Fred moved the mouse to the print function.

As the graphic was repelled from the printer, he handed it to Elena. She opened the manila envelope and pulled out the photo, placing it behind the clear medium and holding it up for them all to view.

“I like it,” said Joshua truthfully. “It’s simple and elegant.”

Fred nodded. “I agree.”

Elena smiled and drew a relieved breath. “I can’t thank you enough,” she said to Fred and rose to her feet, placing both the graphic art and the photo back into the manila envelope. “If I can ever do you a favor.”

“Don’t mention it, just remember me when the next recording comes along.” He shifted his gaze from Joshua to Elena.

“I will,” said Elena, pushing her chair out of the way.

Joshua followed her to the door and stopped to shake Fred’s hand. “Thanks, pal.”

“No problem, just remember that we’re even now.”

“I won’t forget,” responded Joshua with a smile. He held the door open for Elena to pass through and they hurried down the darkened hall toward the exit.

* * *

The night was surprisingly cool as they walked to the car and Elena shivered with cold. She’d forgotten her coat, especially since the days were still unpredictably warm. Joshua quickly remedied the situation by slipping out of his jean jacket and placing it around her shoulders.

“No, I can’t,” she said, shrugging her shoulders to shake it off.

“Take it,” he demanded. “I’m suddenly very hot.”

A flush crept into Elena’s cheeks at his words, but she refused to look up. She waited beside his blue Jeep Cherokee for him to unlock the door and then slipped into the seat, allowing her eyes to drop closed. This had been a difficult and emotional day for both of them. She opened her eyes again when he moved into the seat beside her and started the ignition.

The little Cherokee purred to life and pulled slowly onto the street. Elena wrapped herself in Joshua’s jacket, breathing deeply of the purely masculine smell of him.

There was little traffic on the road this late at night so he made good time to the bridge. Elena looked out at Alcatraz, watching the warning beacons play out over the bay.

“Does your fiancé mind you working so late?” asked Joshua.

Elena shifted in the seat and stared at his strong profile against the pulsing light of the passing lamps. “John? He doesn’t really know.”

Joshua glanced at her. “Doesn’t know?”

Elena looked down at the envelope in her hands. “John’s on sabbatical in Colorado.”

“How long has he been gone?”

“A little over a month.”

Joshua pulled off the bridge and again glanced in Elena’s direction. “Where do I turn now?”

She told him the exit and returned to staring out the window. Staring at Joshua was too unsettling.

“How long will he be gone?”

Elena drew a considering breath. “Another four and a half months. He’s studying plastic surgery right now.”

“He left you for six months.” Joshua couldn’t hide the tone of derision in his voice.

“He’s on sabbatical,” corrected Elena.

Joshua slowed as he came to her exit and again gave her a piercing glance. His eyes seemed to swallow the darkness. “If you were mine, I wouldn’t have left - sabbatical or not.”

His abrupt admission surprised them both and silence reigned in the car for a few minutes. Finally Joshua was forced to break it to ask for further directions.

“Take the third left and then the first right,” she answered, refusing to look at him again.

“Have you gone out to see him?”

Elena shook her head. “No, since he left I’ve been interviewing for this job and now working. There hasn’t been any time, but he wants me to come out with his daughters in a week.”

“You don’t sound too excited.”

Elena laughed. “We don’t get along very well. They think I’m gold digging.”

“How old are they?”

For a moment, Elena hesitated to answer him. This conversation was getting a little too personal. Yet on second thought, the question was probably asked just to keep things from getting tense again. “Eighteen and twenty-one.”

Elena caught Joshua’s frown from the corner of her eye, but he didn’t say anything. Even so she felt a surprising need to explain herself.

“John is a little older than I am.”

“I would imagine,” he said simply.

Elena chewed on her lip. Why did his remark bother her so much? “First building on the right,” she said abruptly.

He pulled in front of the apartment complex and turned off the ignition. Before she could stop him, he’d stepped out of the jeep and rounded the back to her side. As he opened the door, she descended to the sidewalk, refusing to look at him.

“Thanks for the ride...” she began.

“No way, lady. I always walk a woman to her door.”

She looked up, shaking her head urgently. “No, that isn’t necessary. It’s late enough.”

He merely smiled his crooked smile and motioned her forward. She hesitated in protest a moment more, but he didn’t budge. Drawing an irritated breath, she moved quickly away and through the front gate. It opened onto a densely foliaged courtyard and Elena could almost read Joshua’s thoughts. Too many places for someone to hide and attack an unsuspecting woman.

As she approached the door of her townhouse, the curtains on the unit perpendicular to hers fell back into place. She glanced at Joshua and saw him staring in that direction.

“Mrs. Haversaw,” Elena offered. “She keeps a very close eye on me.”

Joshua met her gaze. “At two-thirty in the morning?”

“As long as my porch light is out, Mrs. Haversaw keeps watch.” She placed the key in the lock and turned the knob, reaching inside and switching on the light. “Well, thank you for the escort.”

He looked down and cuffed the toe of his boot against the walkway. “Look, Elena, I didn’t mean to pry earlier. I hope I didn’t offend you.”

“No offense,” she said quickly and turned to her door. “Good night.” She didn’t trust herself to stand out here in the quiet pre-dawn with Joshua Ravensong for very long, but as she regarded the dark interior of the townhouse, she hesitated.

Memories crowded in on her - memories of a darkened room on a late night and the feel of a man’s hand over her mouth, his body holding her pinned to the floor. A motion in the darkness made her jump before she realized it was merely Savanna.

Her reaction was enough for Joshua however and he was quickly at her side. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” she said, turning to him and trying to force a smile. It came out strained, her voice trembling with the effort.

Joshua looked in at the forbidding darkness and then back into her frightened, dilated eyes. “I could...” He stopped.

“How ‘bout a cup of coffee for the road?” she said, suddenly knowing she couldn’t enter the townhouse alone.

“That would be great,” he said, smiling carelessly. “It’ll keep me from falling asleep.”

She nodded and forced herself to cross the threshold, turning on every light as she came to it. “Make yourself at home,” she said, motioning toward the couch. “I’ll only be a moment.”

She hurried up the stairs to the two bedrooms, searching through each one to make sure everything was as it should be. Savanna followed her, mewing indignantly. Finally Elena bent and picked her up, hugging her close as she descended the stairs again.

She went into the kitchen and poured instant coffee into one mug and placed a tea bag in the other, then put both of them in the microwave. As it heated, she opened a can of cat food for Savanna, trying hard not to think about the man waiting for her in the other room.

He was wandering around the room, staring at her knick-knacks when she returned with the steaming cups. “Here you go,” she said, carefully handing him the coffee and then wrapping both of her hands around her tea and taking a seat on the couch. The warmth of the tea helped to stop her nervous trembling, but Joshua’s strong presence helped even more.

He took a seat close beside her and sipped at his coffee. She studied his profile a little more closely this time. If anyone could have perfect features, Joshua was the man.

“It must be hard to keep up a long distance relationship,” she said impulsively.

He looked at her in surprise. “You ought to be able to tell me that,” he answered with another crooked smile that sent a shiver up Elena’s spine. Then he laughed and sipped at his coffee again. “Anyway, I’m not very good at relationships as it is.”

Elena licked her lips slowly, tasting the fragrant herbs of the tea. “Didn’t it go well in L.A.?”

Joshua drew a deep breath and fixed his eyes on Elena. “Megan and I decided to end it.”

“I’m sorry,” said Elena quickly, although she wasn’t exactly being truthful. Savanna jumped on the couch beside her and Joshua’s attention was diverted.

“Who’s this?” he asked, reaching out to stroke the cat’s black fur.

“Savanna.”

“Hello, Savanna,” he said and then studied Elena out of the corner of his eyes. “Are you in love with John, Elena?”

She blinked at his question. “Why would you ask that?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know. It’s just that I looked around a little, while you were getting the coffee. There’s no evidence that there’s a man in your life except the ring on your finger - no photos, no wedding paraphernalia, nothing.”

“We haven’t set the date for the wedding yet.”

He narrowed his eyes. “We or you?”

Elena placed her mug on the coffee table and drew her knees up against her chest. “Since we’re getting so personal, why did you and Megan end your relationship?”

He also set his coffee on the table and shifted, resting one arm over the back of the couch. “The truth?” he asked and she nodded. “I’ve met a woman I can’t get out of my mind. I think of her every waking moment and she’s recently begun to invade my dreams.”

Elena felt her body tense, but she couldn’t break his stare.

“When I went down to L.A., my interest didn’t end, it only increased and I thought it wasn’t fair to be with Megan when I only wanted to be with this other woman.” His eyes narrowed even further. “Now answer my question. Are you in love with John?”

“What does it matter? Why does someone have to be in love to get married?”

“I don’t know, but it usually helps. Take it from one with a failed experience in his background. Marriage isn’t easy.”

“Maybe because everyone is so hung up on falling in love. They get caught up in the passion of it and forget the real reason two people marry - for companionship and security, to stop the horrid, shallow game of dating.”

Joshua tilted his head speculatively. “So is that why you’re marrying a man old enough to be your father - to avoid passion?”

Elena felt her face heat at his sultry words. “I don’t know. I guess I just want a companion, someone to come home to at night, someone to wake up with in the morning, someone I feel safe being around.”

“And no love, no excitement? Safety is fine, but to build a life of it isn’t really living.”

Elena dropped her eyes. “Maybe I don’t want a rock star’s life.”

“Maybe not, but maybe you need a little of it.” He reached out slowly and brushed a strand of hair away, allowing his fingertips to trail over her cheekbone and down toward her chin.

Elena swallowed convulsively and closed her eyes, but although her mind screamed at her to pull away, she couldn’t, she just couldn’t.

He lifted her chin with his fingers and her eyes opened, fixing on his. Ever so slowly he leaned forward and brushed his lips against hers. Elena shuddered and closed her eyes again, but the parting of her lips was more than an invitation for Joshua.

He brushed his mouth against her lips once more. It wasn’t really a kiss, but it was enough.

“I’d better go,” he said against her mouth.

“No,” she said suddenly, her eyes fluttering open. “I mean...” As she tried to compose herself, Joshua watched her in surprise. “I mean it’s so late.” She glanced at the clock and back again. “Already three. Before you get home, you’ll almost have to turn around again, and I need a ride anyway. My car’s still at Avalanche, remember?”

He nodded slowly.

“You can stay in the spare room. It’ll only take me a moment to make up the bed.”

“Thanks for the offer, but I don’t mind sleeping on the couch.”

“It’s no trouble really.”

He drew a deep breath and exhaled slowly, studying her face. “I think I’d better sleep on the couch, Elena,” he said carefully. “If you need me, you’ve only just to call and I’ll hear you. I’m a light sleeper.”

She nodded and forced a smile. “Let me get some bedding.”

“A pillow and a blanket is all I need.”

She nodded again and rose off the couch, moving swiftly to the closet beneath the stairs. As she handed the bedding to him, he deliberately touched her hand with his own. She blinked in surprise and backed up.

“Good night,” she said, retreating toward the stairs with Savanna on her heels.

“Good night, Elena,” he answered.

1CHAPTER 3

Elena woke the next morning, her mind still numb from lack of sleep. She rolled out of bed on autopilot and stumbled into the hallway, grabbing a clean towel from the linen closet as she went. While she waited for the water to heat in the shower, she dozed, her mind already focusing hazily on the presentation she had to make this morning.

The warmth of the shower did little to wake her. She turned off the water, squeezed it from her long hair and dried with the towel, then wrapped the towel around her head and moved to the mirror. Hurriedly she applied her makeup and combed out her hair. It hung in a tumble of curls far down her back, damp from the shower. Still more asleep than awake, she wandered naked back to her room and slipped into her underclothes, wrapping her silk robe around herself.

A cup of coffee was what she needed, she decided as she left her room and headed for the stairs. She rarely drank coffee, but this morning was an exception. With only three hours of sleep under her belt, and that troubled at best with thoughts of Joshua Ravensong...

Elena halted on the stairs and sucked in her breath. In her sleepy confusion, she’d forgotten all about the man who now slept on her couch - and what a man to forget.

He was naked to the waist, his bronze skin highlighting every taut muscle in his chest and arms. He’d unbound the front of his hair from the braid he usually wore and it lay about his broad shoulders in a shimmering curtain of black ebony. A ray of sun had fallen across his high cheekbones causing the two earrings in his left ear to sparkle incandescently. He’d pushed the blanket down around his waist during sleep and Savanna had made herself a warm nest in it, lying half across his flat, muscled abdomen.

Slowly Elena exhaled. How had she forgotten him when she’d done nothing but dream of his lips brushing against hers all night?

With a firm shake of her head, she averted her eyes and hurried into the kitchen. When Savanna heard her moving about, she left her warm bed and ran in search of food.

As Elena filled the coffee pot with water, the cat purred and mewed about her legs. Elena was so lost in thought she didn’t notice her at first, but as she turned to move toward the coffee maker, she tripped over Savanna and caught herself on the stove. She didn’t catch the coffee pot however and it shattered on the kitchen floor, sending the cat scuttling under the table.

“Damn it, Savanna,” she said, surprised at how quickly the tears came to her eyes. “Are you all right?” She went to the table and grabbed the cat, checking her to make sure she wasn’t hurt; then dropping her on the table, she retrieved the broom and dust pan.

* * *

Joshua came awake at the sound of the coffee pot striking the floor. He sat bolt upright and listened, then slowly relaxed as he heard Elena curse the cat. Obviously no one was hurt. No reason to go charging in there like a hero when she’d just broken a glass or something. Yet as he lay there listening to her moving in the other room, he decided she might appreciate a little help, and he wanted to prove himself useful to Elena.

He stopped in the doorway and surveyed the scene. She had her back to him and was crouching on the floor, trying to sweep the broken glass into a dust pan. Her hair was loose, curling in damp ringlets.

“Can I help?” he said, surprised by how husky his voice sounded in his own ears.

She turned abruptly, her eyes dilating in surprise. The throat of her robe fell open, offering him a beguiling glimpse of bare thigh. He couldn’t stop his eyes from traveling over her.

“Hell,” he whispered, “I knew your hair would be gorgeous loose.”

She rose to her feet, her eyes fixed on his, seemingly unaware of her disarray. Again his gaze lowered.

“I was trying to make coffee,” she said, looking down at the mess. She caught sight of her open robe and her cheeks colored. Pulling it closed, she tied the belt tighter, unwillingly accentuating her waist.

Joshua’s breath escaped in a rush as her hair spilled over her shoulder and blocked her features for a moment. “Can I help you?”

She glanced down on the mess again. “Could you hold the dust pan?”

He nodded, unable to speak. He crossed to her side and knelt, picking up the dust pan, his eyes still riveted on her. She retrieved the broom and brushed it across the floor, then stopped. Her eyes shifted to his face and she knelt, wrapping her fingers around his wrist and directing the dust pan into place.

He shook himself at her touch and realized he wasn’t being much help staring at her. “Sorry,” he murmured gruffly and frowned, trying hard to concentrate on the task at hand.

It wasn’t easy with Elena so close, the smell of her damp hair filling his nostrils. As she bent to take the dust pan from him, her hair brushed against his bare chest. Joshua closed his eyes.

Aware of his response, Elena quickly turned away and emptied the dust pan in the garbage. “I’m afraid there won’t be any coffee this morn...”

She stopped abruptly. Joshua had moved up behind her and as she turned to speak with him, she found herself nearly in his arms.

“Joshua...” she began, but he interrupted her.

“When I told you last night that I was infatuated with a woman, I was afraid to tell you who it was, but I can’t pretend anymore. Since the moment I saw you, Elena...”

“Stop,” she said. “Please, I don’t want to hear this.”

“Why? Are you afraid you won’t be able to hide in your safe little cocoon of marriage?”

“That’s not it. I made a commitment...”

“...to a man you don’t love. What are you afraid of?”

“This isn’t any of your business.”

Joshua licked his lips slowly. Elena couldn’t help but follow the move with her eyes. “It wasn’t my business, until last night, until...” He paused and frowned. “Until it became obvious that we both are feeling the same attraction...”

“Stop, please!”

His jaw hardened. “You’re right.”

Elena started to ask him what he meant, but he moved too quickly, catching her in his arms and pulling her against him. He lowered his head and captured her lips.

Sliding her hands up either side of his neck, she sank her fingers in his thick black hair. He crushed her tighter against him.

“Joshua,” she breathed, but he swallowed her words with his mouth.

At first the pressure was gentle, probing, but then he captured her lower lip with his teeth and she gasped in surprise. His tongue traced around her lips, forcing her to part them, his hands sliding down her back to her hips, crushing them against his own.

“Joshua,” she whispered again. “Please...stop...”

He stopped abruptly, his eyes flashing up to hers. “Why, Elena?”

“If we don’t stop, we both know where this will lead us.”

“And that would be bad?”

She smiled. “I’m engaged to be married and you’re...”

“No longer in a relationship.” He shook his head. “You don’t love the man.”

Elena looked away. “I don’t want this. Can’t you understand?”

“Not really.”

“I don’t want to be just another conquest.”

Joshua released her and stepped back.

“That’s right, Joshua, isn’t it? You only want me because you know you can’t have me, because I’m committed to someone else. But should I give in to you, you’d be on to the next woman as soon as it was over.” She jabbed him in the chest with her finger. “Admit it. You couldn’t have a relationship and make it work if your life depended on it.”

“You’ve got no right...” he began, but she cut him off.

“Really? Let’s look at your track history, Mr. Ravensong. One failed marriage, more one-night stands than I can count or even want to try, and a relationship you ran away from as soon as another woman caught your eye. So before you accuse me of being too calculating about my life, look at your own. At least I’m not being ruled by what I have in my pants.”

Joshua moved so quickly Elena flinched and fear sprang into her eyes. He backed her up against the wall and placed his hands on either side of her head, trapping her. At the look of fear in her eyes, his expression softened.

“I wouldn’t hit you. That’s how my father solved all his problems and I swore I’d never lift my hand in anger.” He squared his jaw and drew a deep controlled breath. “Go upstairs and get dressed, then I’ll drive you to work.”

For a moment he didn’t move. Then slowly he backed up and dropped his arms to his side. Before he’d moved far enough away, Elena brushed past him and ran for the stairs.

* * *

It took a long time for her to make her trembling fingers button her clothing or pin up her hair, but finally she was dressed. She took a seat on the bed and put her face in her hands. What was she doing? God, what a mess? She didn’t want to go downstairs, she didn’t want to face Joshua again, but she had no other way to get to work and she needed to make the presentation.

Drawing a deep breath and exhaling slowly, she forced herself to her feet and retrieved her purse and the manila envelope with the mock-up in it. Then she cautiously descended the stairs. Joshua was fully dressed and waiting for her on the landing, but he never looked up nor acknowledged her.

He pulled open the door and stomped out. Savanna ran after him, mewing as she went. Elena glanced around the townhouse one last time and then closed the door behind her. Outside the sun was shining warmly, but a chill went up her spine as she watched Joshua unlock her door, then round the car and slip inside without opening the door for her.

What a long day it had already been.

* * *

Joshua was on-time for the eight o’clock meeting for the first time since he’d been hired by Avalanche. He poured himself a cup of coffee and ran a hand through his loose hair. Elliot moved close to his side.

“Forgot to shave this morning?” he said, studying the stubble on Joshua’s chin. “And isn’t that what you wore yesterday?”

“Don’t start, El,” said Joshua, running his hand through his hair again. He hated wearing it loose, it was always in his face. “I’ve had a hell of a day already.”

“You’re on time at least.”

Joshua frowned at his friend. “I mean it, El, don’t bait me.” He picked up his coffee cup and took a seat at the table, avoiding all eye contact with Elena.

In truth, he didn’t know why he was so mad at her, but he was - furious to be exact. For a moment in her kitchen, he’d really thought of striking her and this thought disturbed him. Joshua hadn’t spent much time with his real father growing up, but when he did it was usually hell. Ray Ravensong drank heavily and when he was drunk, he was a mean son-of-a-bitch. He put his son in the hospital three times as a child with broken ribs and concussions, once a broken pelvic bone. How many hours had Joshua spent discussing his own violent tendencies with a psychologist?

He was so afraid of taking after his father that he rarely drank. Perhaps that’s why he’d turned to drugs instead. And he never struck his daughter, Tiffany, no matter what she did. Yet this morning, the woman sitting across the table from him had nearly made him strike her. Elena was right, if she evoked such intense emotion in him, it was best he stay away. Far away.

“Is it cold in here to you guys?” said Julian as he entered the conference room.

“No,” said Elliot. “Why?”

Julian smiled smugly. “I figured hell must be freezing over since Ravensong’s on time.”

“I didn’t know you were a comedian,” said Ralph, chewing noisily on his gum.

Joshua lifted his head and glared at the manager. “Why don’t you go check it out first hand?” he snarled.

“After you,” smiled Julian, moving to his seat.

“Let’s not start so early,” said David, coming in on the last part of the conversation. He also took his seat and looked around at the assembled group. “Well Elena, show us what you’ve got.”

Joshua looked down at the table again as Elena rose to her feet. He could almost feel her nervousness, but he refused to give her any encouragement at all. You’re on your own, baby, he thought bitterly. As she set her mock-up on the stand, Joshua began to scribble idly on a piece of paper.

Through the corner of his eyes, Joshua could see she had the cover veiled. She drew a deep breath and flashed a perfect smile at the men around the table. Elliot returned the smile two-fold and Joshua glared at him. Elliot shrugged his shoulders in question, but Joshua merely shook his head in disgust and returned to scribbling.

“The concept I wanted to portray for this album was simplicity...” she began.

“Just show it to us,” snapped Julian. “For Christ sake, we don’t have all day.”

Joshua studied Julian with contempt, then glanced at Elena. She was so nervous she didn’t respond for a moment, her eyes falling on Joshua’s scribbling.

“Take the cover off it,” drawled Julian.

“All right,” muttered David under his breath, but Elena quickly revealed her rendition with a shaken hand.

Immediately Julian’s eyes narrowed. “That’s it.”

“Well,” said Elena quickly, “I wanted to make it understated...”

“Understated, my ass. That’s a whole lot of nothing, sweetheart.”

Joshua could see Elena’s confidence crumbling. He looked at David, willing the man to say something - anything. David glanced between Joshua and the cover, his look obviously uncertain.

“It is a bit understated...”

Before Joshua could think better of it, he was on his feet and coming to Elena’s rescue. “That’s the idea,” he said, pointing to the cover and winking encouragement at Elena. “Some of the hottest albums sold had nearly bare covers. I think the white background, the black lettering, the slant to the title, along with the simplicity of the picture is provocative. It says that we’re confident in our ability. We don’t have to jump out at the public with a glaring cover, our music speaks for itself.”

David considered his words carefully, but Julian sat back in his chair and laughed. “Really, I don’t believe...”

“Wait a moment,” said David, rising to his feet and crossing around the table. He studied Elena’s brain-child more closely. “It does attract attention just by its simplicity.”

“I think we’ve been in the business long enough to do away with gimmicks,” said Robert, staring at the cover with a tilted head. “I like it.”

“So do I,” ventured Michael timidly.

Joshua smiled at the drummer, surprised he’d extended himself on Elena’s behalf. Usually Michael was so quiet and shy, no one knew he was in the room. Ralph continued to chew on his gum and nodded his head. Elliot’s eyes danced between Elena and Joshua.

“It’s unique, David,” he said. “How many covers do you see that don’t have some ridiculous gimmick? That cover is in your face. Here we are, take us or leave us.”

Elena’s eyes were huge, searching David’s face intently.

David looked up at her and smiled. “I like it too,” he said and Elena released her pent up breath in a sigh.

“All right,” said Elliot, giving Ralph a high five. Both Michael and Robert seemed pleased.

Elena’s eyes shifted to Joshua’s face. Joshua smiled despite his earlier anger toward her. “Thank you,” she mouthed and he nodded, returning to his chair and his idle scribbling.

* * *

Elena hurried down the hall, the bundle of loose papers and folders in her arms. Struggling to clasp them in one hand, she pushed open the door of Ravensong’s office and smiled at his secretary. The woman was middle aged with light brown hair cut short about her round face. She blinked questioningly at Elena with her brown eyes.

“Is he in?” Elena asked, nodding toward the inner door, which was also closed.

The secretary nodded. “I’ll buzz him.” She pushed the intercom button and spoke close to it. “You have a visitor, Chief.”

“Tell whoever it is to make it brief ‘cause I’m outta here in five. My daughter’s waiting on me,” he snarled.

The secretary flashed a patient smile at Elena. “He’s been in one hell of a mood today,” she said, releasing the button. Elena grimaced, knowing the reason for his mood. The secretary compressed the intercom again. “It’s the new Assistant Manager, Elena Harris, Josh. Try to be civilized, she looks like she’s had a bad day too.”

Elena blinked in surprise at the secretary’s words. There was silence on the other end of the intercom. She found that her heart was beating wildly in her chest. What if he refused to see her? Worse, what if he wanted to?

She didn’t have long to deliberate. The door swung open and Joshua stood in the threshold, his shoulders blocking the opening. His eyes swept over her, taking in the loose strands of hair slipping free of her bun and the heavy load of papers in her arms. His gaze shifted to his secretary.

“Alice, call Terry’s house and tell them I’ll be there as soon as possible.” The secretary nodded and gave him a winning smile, but his gaze had already returned to Elena. With an abrupt motion of his hand, he indicated she should enter his office.

Elena smiled her thanks at Alice and then slipped past him, her eyes quickly scanning the inner room. It wasn’t what she’d expected. It was simple and masculine. A mahogany desk dominated the center of the room, behind it a bank of windows, which overlooked the Golden Gate. On her left was a black leather couch and in front of the desk were two black leather chairs. Two end tables and a couple of plants made up the rest of the decor. Over the couch were photos of every album Joshua Ravensong had been a part of, even those before he’d joined with Avalanche.

He motioned to one of the chairs before the desk and Elena sat down, juggling her papers and her purse. A picture frame attracted her attention and she turned it so she could see it. A little girl with raven black hair and deep blue eyes stared back at her. Elena sucked in her breath and exhaled slowly. The child was beautiful, high cheekbones, strong jaw line. Joshua Ravensong couldn’t deny this child if he tried.

“Your daughter is beautiful,” she said, looking up.

He paused halfway around his desk and looked over his shoulder. The hard lines of his face softened as he stared at the photograph.

“She is,” he said simply as he slipped into the chair behind the desk.

“I know you have plans so I won’t take long, but...”

The intercom buzzed. Joshua exhaled in irritation and narrowed his eyes on Elena. “Hold on a minute,” he said, punching the button. “What?”

“Lord, you’re in a pisser of a mood,” said Alice.

Joshua shut his eyes and drew a deep breath. “Sorry, what is it now, Alice?” he said, forcing a phony sweetness into his voice.

“Your little girl wants to talk with you.”

Joshua glanced at Elena. “Sorry, this’ll only take a moment.”

Elena smiled with a nod as Joshua lifted the phone.

“Hey, baby,” he said, his voice softening more than she’d ever heard it. Elena knew she ought to turn away and give him some semblance of privacy, but she was intrigued with this side of him. “Is something wrong?”

Elena could almost hear the little voice on the other end of the line. Joshua’s eyes narrowed in concentration as he listened patiently.

“I see,” he said, “and Annie told you this place had the best pizza, eh? Uh huh, okay. Well, I’ll make you a deal. Get everything packed so we can leave as soon as I get there and we’ll talk about it on the way.” He smiled briefly at Elena as he listened to the chatter of his daughter. “All right, I’ll see you soon, baby.” A deep laugh rumbled in his throat as the voice on the line changed. “Seems I’ve been conned again, eh Ethel? No, we won’t be going anywhere special, just make sure she packs a few sweaters. The beach can get cold in the evenings.” He paused and drew a deep breath, a frown creasing his forehead. “No, wait, Ethel, I don’t want to talk with her, I...” He shook his head in frustration. “I sent the check the day before yesterday, she should receive it tomorrow...I...no, Ethel...I don’t...Ethel...” He paused and chewed on his lip. “Hello, Terry. I thought you were going away for the weekend. No, I told your mother I sent the check on Wednesday. What?!” He rose suddenly to his feet, his fingers tightening on the phone. “No, don’t do this to me, Terry. Damn it, I promised her this weekend. Don’t punish me through Tiffany. Shit...”

He slammed the phone down on the cradle and ran his hands through his loose hair. Elena thought she ought to leave, but he was so upset she couldn’t do it. Sliding the papers off her lap into the other chair, she leaned forward.

He grabbed the phone again and punched the buttons severely. “Hello...Terry ...damn it, don’t hang up on me again. Don’t threaten me with Tiffany. You promised her that she could spend the weekend with me, don’t let her down again.” Elena thought she could hear crying in the background. Joshua drew a deep breath and closed his eyes. “Please, Terry, don’t do this. Look, I’ll bring some cash with me. That’ll hold you over until the check arrives tomorrow, all right?” He opened his eyes and fixed them on Elena’s anxious face. Slowly he nodded and swallowed convulsively. “All right, five hundred, I promise. Let me talk to Tiffany now, please.” Again he waited while the phone changed hands. “Hey, baby, it’s okay. Don’t cry. Daddy’s coming to get you so get packed and we’ll go to that pizza parlor Annie told you about. Yes, sweetheart, I promise.”

Slowly he replaced the phone in its cradle and took a seat, running his fingers through his hair. “Sorry,” he said stiffly, “Didn’t mean for you to hear that.”

Elena didn’t know what to say for a moment. Finally she forced a smile. “I’m sorry I intruded like this...”

“No,” he said, looking up and shaking his head. “My ex-wife’s a...well, she uses my daughter to keep me in line. I’m supposed to have Tiffany every weekend, but I’m lucky if I get two in a month. Every time Terry wants something from me, she uses Tiffany as a weapon.”

“Why don’t you take her to court?”

Joshua leaned back in his chair and regarded Elena closely. “Take her to court and risk the custody I already have? I’m a heroin addict with a history of promiscuity.”

“You’ve been clean for nine years,” she said adamantly.

Joshua laughed low in his throat. “You do your homework.”

“David told me.”

He nodded in understanding. “I’ve been clean for nine years, yes, but it’s not enough. If I took Terry to court, she’d drag out my drug addiction and parade every woman I’ve slept with in the last five years before the judge. Not to mention my two suicide attempts.” He swiveled his chair to face the window.

Elena stared at his profile. Suicide? She’d read in the tabloids he’d tried to take his life, but she never knew whether to believe those slanderous rags or not. As she stared at him, it suddenly occurred to her that he was a deeply troubled man with a deeply troubled past. Not someone you bring home to your mother. Still it amazed her. The Joshua Ravensong she’d come to know, albeit briefly, seemed self-assured and strong - not subject to weaknesses like drug addiction and suicide.

He turned back toward her, his eyes glinting in the light from his desk lamp. “You wanted to see me about something.”

She collected herself quickly. “I wanted to thank you for coming to my rescue. Julian can get me so flustered that I can’t think straight.”

“I know,” he said with a half-smile. “Don’t worry about it. I love rubbing his nose in it whenever I can...” He paused and his look became more intense. “Elena, I was really out of line this morning. I owe you an apology...”

“No,” she began, shaking her head, but he stopped her with an upraised hand.

“Let me finish, okay?”

She nodded.

“I had no business prying into your personal life, let alone...” His voice halted significantly. “Anyway, I hope we can put it aside and get to know each other, maybe be friends.” He laughed to himself. “That would be a new concept for me, being friends with a woman I’m attracted to...” He halted and his face grew serious. “Anyway, I’m willing to try.”

“I’d like that,” Elena answered, forcing an uneasy smile. It’s what she’d wanted him to say, so why did she feel disappointed? Was it because she’d been right and he’d only been after the conquest, he’d only been attracted to her unavailability and now he wasn’t any longer? She didn’t know, but she was disappointed. Nothing like being fickle, Elena, she thought.

“Well, I’d better be going,” she said, trying to arrange the papers and folders into a manageable pile. “I’ve got a lot of work to do this weekend.”

Joshua watched her mess with the papers for a moment. “What is all of that?”

Elena glanced up at him. “Files of past clients Julian wants me to purge.”

“Over the weekend?”

She nodded and rose to her feet, juggling the huge pile in her arms. Joshua shook his head, but also rose to his feet, crossing around the desk and opening the door for her.

“Can I help you to your car?”

“No thanks,” she said, looking up at him. “Enjoy your weekend.”

He glanced down on the papers in her arms and laughed. “Enjoy yours,” he said and watched her walk from the office, staggering under the load.

He felt eyes on him and he looked down into Alice’s curious face. “Why haven’t you left yet?” he demanded with mock severity.

“I was waiting for his lord and master to release me of my duty.”

“Go home, Alice,” he said, turning his back on her and walking into the office.

She grabbed her purse and moved to the doorway, watching him sort a few papers on his desk. “So, you like her, don’t you?”

He looked up quickly and narrowed his eyes. “What are you talking about?”

“I saw the way you watched her. You’re infatuated, Joshua.”

“Don’t be an idiot,” he said in irritation. “She’s engaged to a doctor.”

“Uh huh,” said Alice with an amused nod, “and you’re skirting the real issue.”

He glared at her. “Go home, Alice,” he said again. “Before I decide to fire you.”

“Night, Chief.”

“Good night.” Joshua watched his secretary leave the office, turning off the outer light as she went.

As he pushed his papers into a neat pile, the cuff of his shirt sleeve lifted, revealing a long pink scar across his wrist. He stared at it a moment in silence, thinking of Elena. What had possessed him to tell her anything about his life, his fears
regarding Terry, or allow her to see his weakness when it came to his daughter? Hell, he’d almost begged Terry on the phone in front of her. He didn’t want Elena that close, he didn’t want her knowing his personal problems. He only wanted to bed her and then walk away as he had with all the other women in his life - didn’t he?

CHAPTER 4

Elena tossed the salad, trying to keep all the ingredients in the bowl rather than on the counter top. Kate stood with her back to the sink, shaking the dressing and staring at Elena with a smirk.

“So the tabloids have it that Joshua Ravensong is no longer with Megan Wheeler.”

Elena glanced at her from the corner of her eyes, but said nothing. Lifting the bowl, she headed for the kitchen table, pushing Savanna off onto the floor.

“Well?”

She looked up at her friend with raised eyebrows. “Well? Bring the dressing and let’s eat.”

Kate shook her head in annoyance, but moved toward the table, offering the bottle of dressing. “What’s the inside scoop? Did he break it off with his long-legged, well-endowed model?”

Elena reached for a salad bowl and filled it. Some of the lettuce fell out onto the table and Kate retrieved it, placing it in her mouth.

“He mentioned something about it.”

“When?”

“The other night,” said Elena, handing Kate the bowl.

“The other night? When we developed the pictures?”

“Yes,” said Elena with an absent nod. She filled her own bowl and took a seat at the table.

“What happened that night?” Kate leaned an elbow on the table, her eyes narrowing with interest.

Elena reached for the salad dressing, unscrewing the top. “Nothing.”

“Nothing? Hell, this is like pulling teeth. You didn’t have your car, Ellie. How did you get to work the next day?”

Elena recapped the bottle, licking a drop of dressing off her index finger. “Joshua drove me.”

Kate pursed her lips. “He came and picked you up the next morning?”

“Not exactly,” said Elena, plunging her fork into the salad.

Kate glared at her friend, reaching out and stopping her hand from lifting the fork. “Spill it.”

Elena drew a deep breath and put her fork down, reaching for her glass of wine. She took a sip, then replaced the glass. “It was very late, so Joshua spent the night...”

Kate gasped.

“On the couch,” Elena added quickly.

Kate looked disappointed. “Nothing happened then?”

“No,” said Elena, picking up her fork again. “Well…”

Immediately Kate moved forward. “Well?”

“He did kiss me.”

Kate’s eyes widened. “He kissed you and you weren’t going to tell me.”

“No, I wasn’t. It was a horrible mistake. I should never have let him do it. When I asked him to stop...well, we said some very cruel things to each other.”

Kate shook her head sadly. “I told you he wanted you. Why’d you go and ruin it by fighting with him?”

“Because it was a mistake, Katie. I’m engaged...”

“To an old fart you don’t love.”

Elena sighed. “That is a problem,” she admitted. “I didn’t realize how little I felt for John until Joshua...well, let’s say I almost didn’t stop him.”

“Then you enjoyed it?”

Elena looked down at the table. “I guess I did.”

“What was it like? I mean you think these stars are really, you know, fantastic, but then you meet them and they aren’t that great.”

“He’s great. I’ve never been kissed like that, Katie. For a minute I forgot everything. He really knows what he’s doing...too well. Afterwards I realized he’s had a lot of experience with women. I don’t think I want to get tangled up with that, you know?”

“Yeah,” said Kate, surprising Elena.

“You agree with me?”

“Hell, Ellie, I wasn’t suggesting you marry the guy, I just suggested you have a fling. Even more so I was hoping you’d forget about John. Look, Joshua Ravensong isn’t the man for you. He’s got too many hang-ups. You think I’d wish that on my best friend. But he’s so damn cute. A little fling would be harmless fun, if you’re careful.”

Elena stuck her fork into her salad again. “I don’t know. Anyway, what am I going to do about John? How can I marry a man I don’t want to sleep with?”

Kate shook her head. “I don’t know. A lifetime is awfully long and he really isn’t that old. Just think about it, Ellie, he could live to be one hundred.”

Elena laughed. “Yeah, but I’ll be seventy-nine. I don’t think it’ll matter much then.”

“Then think about the fact that his oldest daughter is four years younger than you are. He isn’t going to want to have kids. Don’t you want a family someday?”

Elena considered the question a moment. She did want a family. “Yeah, I’ve always thought I’d have kids someday, I just didn’t think they’d be old enough to drink by the time I got them.”

They both laughed. Elena returned to her salad, but she couldn’t stop thinking about her future life with John. She’d never given it much thought until the other morning with Joshua. And why did Joshua keep popping into her mind? She’d told herself over and over that she didn’t want anything to do with him. He was trouble, and yet, she kept reliving their kiss.

* * *

Elena walked down the hallway of Avalanche toward the elevators and home. It was late again, another boring day spent purging files for Julian, and she wished she didn’t have to cross the bridge. Even as late as it was, there would still be traffic.

She punched the button on the elevator and waited impatiently, rocking back and forth on her heels. The tinkling of a piano in the distance distracted her from her sore neck muscles. A few random notes, then silence, followed by a few more. She didn’t think there was anyone left here this late, except the janitors, and the only one she knew who played the piano was Robert, the keyboardist.

Lord, the elevator was taking a long time. Again the piano distracted her; however, this time it wasn’t a few notes which reached her but a hauntingly beautiful melody. She frowned in confusion. Who would still be here? She’d seen Robert leave earlier, saying he was going home to his model wife, but could he have come back again?

The melody was stirring, so poignant she could hardly resist the pull of it. Whoever was playing was damn good at the piano. She tried to place the melody, but she’d never heard it before. Turning on her heel, she started toward the sound, but the elevator bell rang and the doors opened. She stopped and looked into the empty chamber, undecided.

The piano fell silent. Shrugging her shoulders, she turned to the elevator, but once again the melody picked up, seemingly where it left off. Elena glanced down the hall, then cursed as the elevator doors closed. Well, she wasn’t going to wait for it to climb to the top floor and descend again.

Moving down the hall on tired legs, she halted before the auditorium, her hand on the handle. The piano was still singing in beautiful rhythm to the fingers which played it. Resolved, she gently pressed the handle down and inched the door open, not wanting to distract the virtuoso.

She caught sight of Joshua’s back and shoulders, his black mane of hair. He was sitting at the piano, lost in the rhythm of the music, his fingers gliding over the keys. Elena couldn’t help herself as she stepped through the door, closing it carefully. The sound of the melody washed over her, filling her with loneliness.

She couldn’t take her eyes off his long-fingered hands, moving with such skill and accuracy over the keys as if caressing them, and she remembered the touch of those hands on her own body. It seemed as if he was touching the keys with the same expertise.

Then suddenly he stopped and picked up a pencil lying on top of the piano. Leaning forward he wrote on the sheet music spread before him.

Feeling suddenly like an unwanted intruder, she waited until he picked up the strain again and turned, moving as silently as she could toward the door. The piano fell silent and Elena halted, grimacing.

“What do you think?” came his deep, smooth voice.

She looked over her shoulder and saw that he hadn’t turned. He couldn’t possibly know who she was. Maybe if she just hurried, he would never know. For some reason that seemed too sneaky even for her.

“About what?” she asked.

He turned on the bench in surprise and eyed her. His gaze raked up and down her body and she shivered, suppressing a desire to make sure she was properly clothed.

“I thought...” His brow furrowed a moment, then he smiled. For a moment she almost believed he was happy to see her, not angry for her invasion. “I thought you were one of the janitors. They come in here when I’m working late to hear me play.”

Elena turned around completely now, feeling foolish still. “I didn’t mean to intrude,” she said.

“I don’t mind.” Then he cocked his head, a mischievous light in his eyes. “But I always make my audience give me a review.”

She moved toward the piano. “I didn’t know you played,” she said, motioning at it.

“Do you?” he asked, running his fingers over the keys.

Elena shook her head. “I’m very musically untalented,” she admitted and returned the smile he flashed at her.

“This was the first thing I learned. My mother thought it so important that I take lessons. I guess she figured it was a cultured thing to do.”

Elena leaned against the piano and furrowed her brow at him. “Cultured? What did that matter?”

“I was raised on the reservation until I was five.”

“I didn’t know that,” she said, intrigued.

He nodded and then laughed. “That’s where my mother met Adam, my step father. He was...is a doctor. Then he was young and idealistic, believing he could change things on the rez if he gave us some health care, vaccinated the children.”

“Go on, this is fascinating.”

He shrugged. “Didn’t seem so at the time. Anyway, my mother took me to be vaccinated. I can tell you he scared the hell out of me.”

She laughed at his pained expression. “Why?”

“He was huge, six foot four, and I was small. Not to mention his blond hair and pale skin, and when he opened his medical bag and removed the needle...” Joshua shuddered in memory.

“What did you do?” She leaned her elbows on the piano, bracing her head with chin on hand.

“I ran like hell. He was mortified and took after me with my mother on his heels.” Joshua paused and laughed again. “I guess they fell in love trying to track me down. It didn’t take long before he asked her to marry him. He’d been married before, but the wife died. Left a small boy and girl behind. Well, my mother had no objection to taking on other kids, especially not to getting off the rez. So we left.”

“Do you like your step father?”

Joshua considered her question a moment in silence. “Truth?”

She nodded.

“He’s the man I consider to be my father. He was always good to me. Took in a half-wild kid and tried to raise him the right way.” His eyes clouded over and he lowered his head. “And when I disappointed him and nearly killed my mother with worry, he never turned his back on me.”

She swallowed at the obvious pain in his voice.

“When I woke from a drug induced coma at the hospital...” He stopped for a moment, shaking his head. “Hell, I was so scared. They had me strapped to the bed so I wouldn’t hurt myself or anyone else. Adam was there and I remember him talking softly to me for hours. I’ll never be able to repay him for that. It meant more to me than anything else, but I just disappointed him again as repayment.”

When he shut his eyes, Elena couldn’t help herself. She dropped on the bench beside him.

“He must think of you as his son, Joshua, or else he wouldn’t have been there.”

Joshua nodded, but didn’t say anything. After a long moment, he lifted his head and looked at her.

“I’m sorry, don’t know why I spilled all of that.”

“Maybe because you needed to.”

He reached out and touched her cheek with the back of his hand. “There’s something about you, Elena Harris, that plays hell with the wall I’ve built around myself.”

“Seems like you’ve been rearranging some things in my head I thought I had figured out too.”

He slid his fingers down to her chin and lifted her face. “Like what?”

She twirled her engagement ring around her finger. “I’m wondering why I’m engaged to a man I really don’t like very much.”

He sat back and stared at her. “Truth?”

She nodded. “I had it all figured out, neat as you please, until you came and started throwing logic in my face.”

He chuckled. “Well?” He looked at the sheet music on the piano and fingered it. “What got us on this topic?”

“I said I didn’t know you played.”

“Oh, yeah, the cultured thing, I remember. Anyway, once I started school and learned how to fit in with all the other good little white kids, my mother decided I needed to learn how to play the piano. So I did.”

“From the sounds of it, you didn’t just learn to play, you’re a regular maestro.”

“Music’s always come easy.”

“I’d heard you played the guitar.”

“Yes.”

“What else?”

“Bass, drums, harmonica if I want.”

“Hell, Joshua Ravensong, is there anything you can’t play?”

“Plenty, but thanks for the compliment.”

“You play almost every instrument in a band, sing like an angel, write lyrics and music, act...not to mention your way with women...”

“Angel, no one’s ever accused me of that before.”

“What?”

“You said I sing like an angel.”

She blushed and dropped her eyes. “Did I?”

He laughed at her embarrassment. “You did.”

She glanced at him from the corner of her eyes. “Well, it’s late. I’d better go.”

He looked toward the clock on the wall. “Wow, you ain’t kiddin’.” Then his gaze dropped to her again. “Listen, Elena. I know we started off kinda rough, but I do appreciate you listening to me ramble on about my sorry life.”

“I like to listen to you. That’s what friends do.”

He seemed surprised for a moment, then quickly blustered through it. “Yeah, of course. Anyway, friend, let me walk you to your car, seeing how late it is and all.”

“Oh, I forgot, the ever chivalrous Joshua Ravensong.”

He laughed again, a deep rumbling that thrilled Elena. “If that’s what you think, hell, I’ll keep up the pretense,” he said.

She nodded at the piano. “Don’t let me keep you from this. It isn’t far from the elevator to my car, besides the security booth is right there. I don’t want to disrupt the genius.”

“Are you sure?” His fingers touched the keys again and she knew he hadn’t finished creating.

“Absolutely, but I appreciate the offer.”

He shrugged. “It’ll always be there.”

She smiled and rose to her feet. As she walked toward the door, he immediately picked up the previous strain of music. She halted in the doorway and glanced back. A wistful ache pulsed inside of her.

Shoving the door open, she stepped out.

“He’s not the only one who can play, you know?” came a voice.

Elena gasped and glanced up. A man with lanky blond hair stood before her. He wore a t-shirt and jeans with holes at the knees. She didn’t recognize him. “I’m sorry. You startled me.”

“I’m Alec, one of the roadies.”

“Hi, Alec,” she said, forcing a smile. Her heart was pounding. “I’m Elena.”

“I know who you are. I know everyone here.”

Elena’s smile grew brittle. “Well, nice to meet you,” she said, walking past him for the elevator.

“If you want to hear me play sometime, I’d be happy to show you.”

“Thanks,” said Elena. She pushed the button on the elevator and clutched her purse closer.

“Everyone thinks he’s so great, but I can play that well too.”

“I’m sure you can,” she said, glancing over her shoulder. She didn’t like that he’d come up behind her like this. She pressed the elevator button again.

“It’s his looks, you know? That’s why he’s famous. He isn’t that talented.”

She nodded. “Okay.” The elevator opened and she stepped quickly inside. “Again, nice to meet you, Alec.”

“Yeah.” He put a hand on the door and stopped it from closing. “Not that I don’t think he’s a good guy, but he’s not a god.”

She shook her head. “I didn’t think he was.”

“Okay, well, good night, Elena.”

“Good night, Alec,” she said stiffly as he released the door. When it finally closed and she felt the elevator descend, she released her held breath. Brushing her fingers over her lips, she was surprised she was shaking so.

* * *

Joshua bounded down the hall, feeling alive and full of energy. He peeked in at Elena’s secretary and gave her a smile that could send the most hard core woman swooning. She returned his smile and batted her lashes provocatively. As he stepped through the doorway, his eyes went to the inner door. He couldn’t believe how much he wanted to see her. He was behaving just like a boy with his first crush. There were many years and many women between that time and now, Joshua reminded himself.

But something about last night, talking with Elena, telling her more personal things than he’d ever told anyone made him feel anxious, excited, and a little vulnerable. He’d had a difficult time sleeping last night and even so, he’d dreamed of Elena again.

“Hiya, Simone,” he said, flashing her another smile.

Her eyes took in his form as she leaned back in her chair. “Hiya, darlin’, how you been?”

He glanced at her briefly. “Fine, Elena in.”

Deliberately Simone leaned forward, offering him a view of her ample cleavage. “What can I do for you?” she asked suggestively.

Again his eyes met hers. “Is Elena in her office?”

“She’s hanging pictures or something,” she said in irritation. “Been banging on the walls all morning.”

“Thanks,” said Joshua, crossing around her desk and grabbing the knob to the inner office.

He thrust it open, but didn’t see Elena immediately. As he stepped through, he caught his breath. She was standing on the top rung of a ladder, her weight balanced precariously as she tried to hook a picture frame onto the nail she’d pounded into the wall.

Damn, she was so tiny, he thought, surveying her difficulty in reaching the nail even though she’d scaled the entire ladder. He couldn’t help but notice the way her slacks fit her feminine curves.

“Be careful,” he said, moving to the bottom of the ladder and holding it steady as she began to back down.

“I didn’t hear the door open.”

He reached up and put a hand on her waist, guiding her down. “You could have fallen.”

As if his words gave fuel to the situation, the ladder tilted on the uneven carpet and she nearly lost her footing. His hands closed around her waist and he lifted her down. For a long moment they simply stared at one another.

“Lord, well, that didn’t help anything,” she said, but she didn’t pull away.

“Sorry,” he answered, flashing her his smile.

“You weren’t at the morning meeting.”

He shook his head, his eyes lowering to her mouth.

“Julian was pissed.”

“When isn’t he?” he asked with a wry lift of his brows.

“You don’t really care, do you?”

“No.”

She drew a ragged breath, but she still stood in the circle of his arms.

“Here we are again,” he said.

“Here we are again.” Then she looked at him, holding him away with both hands. “Just what are we going to do about this?”

A light came into his eyes. “I have a wild suggestion.”

“Oh no,” she answered, “I know your suggestion. It won’t work. Technically I’m still engaged to John and...”

“And?”

“What would Julian do if he found out what we’re doing right now?”

Joshua shook his head in annoyance. “To hell with Julian.”

“You say that because he wouldn’t dare fire you, but think, Joshua, he’d fire me just to punish you and I need this job, I want this job.”

He drew a deep breath, looking into her eyes. “I guess you’re right.”

“You know I’m right, so somehow we’ve got to stay away from each other. At least until I’m rich enough to quit.”

His brows raised. “I could...”

“Don’t even say it,” she answered, pushing him away.

He took a step back. “Elena, we’d be good together.”

“Joshua, please don’t.” She moved forward and took his hand. “Think of it this way. You only want what you can’t have. Once I gave in to you, all this would go away.”

“Why don’t we try?” he said, pulling her closer.

She laughed and pushed him away. “No. Now you should go. Somehow we’ve got to stay away from each other. Do you really want to risk our friendship for a tumble?”

He narrowed his eyes on her. “I want you. That’s all I know, that’s all I’ve thought of since you started working here.”

“If it helps, I’m very tempted right now, but I’d rather have you for a friend than a one time lover. Our friendship could last forever. Just think, Joshua, how long do you really think we’d make it as lovers?”

He frowned. “I don’t know, you won’t give me a chance.”

“I’m sorry,” she said, taking his arm and pushing him toward the door. “I really am.”

He shrugged and closed his hand over the knob. “If you change your mind, you know where I’ll be,” he said. “Goodbye.”

“Goodbye,” she answered.

* * *

Joshua paced back and forth in his office, accomplishing nothing. He stopped and looked out the window at the bridge. Hell, how many hours had he spent doing just this since Elena came to Avalanche? She was ruining his usual stoic concentration. He’d never been this distracted by a woman before, what was so different now?

He jumped at the knock on his door. Alice peeked in at him. “There a hole in that carpet yet?”

He frowned at her. “You’d better have a good reason for interrupting my exercise.”

She moved into the office, crossing her arms over her chest. “What’s got you out of your usual sunny disposition?”

“Your constant interruptions. Don’t you have any work to do?” He threw himself down in his chair and leaned his elbows on the desk.

“I could ask you the same thing. They’ve all been bitchin’ at me all day, wondering if you ever intend to rehearse for the tour.”

“Why didn’t you tell me that?”

“Because I was afraid to.”

Joshua rolled his eyes. “Give me a break. You yap at me every chance you get.”

Alice laughed. “She’s really got her hooks in you, doesn’t she?”

Joshua frowned again. “What?”

Alice leaned forward, dropping her voice to a whisper. “Elena Harris. Don’t give me that innocent ‘what’ shit, Chief? I may be married, but I know a man who’s mooning when I see one.”

Joshua rolled his head back and groaned. “Well, you got me, Alice. Should’a known I couldn’t hide anything from you. How’d you get so damn clever?”

Alice pursed her lips. “Deny...deny...deny...”

Joshua laughed and rose to his feet. “Your woman’s intuition is for the shits. Believe me, I’ve never given a woman a second thought beyond the time I’ve climbed out of her bed.”

“Oh, you’re one hard cookie, aren’t you, Chief? Never gonna be a woman who can get under your thick skin.”

“Not if I can help it.” He crossed around the desk and leaned down close to her face. “See if you can’t earn your keep, eh?”

“Sure nuff, Boss,” she said with a wave as he left the office.

* * *

Joshua entered the auditorium reluctantly. The rest of the band members were gathered, not to mention Julian and David. He grimaced, then felt a momentary stab of worry. He was usually the one pushing to practice. He loved every minute of it, singing the songs, drilling the rest of them to get it just right. He had an ear for how it should sound live and he wouldn’t stop until he’d achieved exactly what he’d expected, but now he wished he were anywhere else.

Before he could escape, Ralph saw him. “Hiya, Josh, imagine seeing you. We’ve just been wondering if you’re still part of the band.”

Joshua forced a smile at him, but Julian quickly dashed it. “We could always decide otherwise, if the rest of you wouldn’t be so damn afraid to try something on your own.”

“Be my guest,” said Joshua, feeding his surly mood.

“Nooo, hold on, Josh,” said Elliot, moving to intercept his friend. “Julian, back off, all right?” Elliot hooked Joshua around the shoulders and pulled him back into the room. “Come on, Josh, we need ya. Can’t seem to get even one set down right.”

Joshua moved into place. Both Robert and Elliot exchanged worried glances. Joshua might ignore the morning meetings and he might skirt interviews, but he never failed to show up for rehearsals or concerts. This wasn’t a good sign.

Still it took all of half a song before the old Joshua Ravensong came out. The perfectionist in him just couldn’t continue wallowing in his own problems when the music called him. Soon the rest of the band members were smiling at each other knowingly as he bounced from one instrument to another, pulling the hanging threads together into a masterpiece.

Elena watched from the back of the auditorium, amazed by his energy and brilliance. Parts of songs that sounded a little off to her became polished and perfected with Joshua’s attention. Nothing escaped his notice. As the hours wore on, the band members would get irritated by his constant interruptions and repetitions, but in the end, they had to admit he’d been right to change the way the music flowed.

David moved back, taking a seat on the bleachers beside her. “You’re seeing genius in action.”

“Seems that way.”

He laughed. “Julian hates seeing Joshua’s brilliance, but he just can’t make himself quit watching. It’s like seeing a meteor shower or watching lightning flash in the sky.”

Elena looked at the band manager. “You really think a lot of him, don’t you?”

David nodded. “I’ve worked with a lot of musicians, but never one like Joshua. If you’re damn lucky, you get to see this genius once in a lifetime. You ought to hear him play the piano.”

“I have,” she said, remembering the other night.

“Take your breath away?”

Elena didn’t hesitate. “Like I’d died and was standing at the gates of heaven.”

For a moment David looked at her closely, then his eyes lowered to the engagement ring on her finger. “He puts up one hell of a front, but there’s a lot on the inside.” He leaned back and folded his hands over his stomach. “I’ll never forget when he first came here. His older brother sent us a tape without his permission. ‘Course we all knew who Ravensong was, we’d heard about his drug overdose and hospitalization, and despite his talent, we wanted no part of him. But when we heard just one song off that tape, we knew we had to have him in the band.”

“At the time we were just small timers, headlining for other small timers, but Joshua catapulted us to the top with that first album. He was surly as hell, wouldn’t talk to anyone, except Elliot. Somehow Elliot got on his good side nearly from the get go, but the rest of us, shit, for a while I didn’t think he remembered how to talk. He’d just grunt at me and look away.”

Elena smiled.

David shook his head in memory. “Until we went into the recording studio the first time. Joshua threw such a fit about how we were recording and over dubbing, I thought they’d throw us out. He kept arguing that we had to sound like we would live or we’d be selling a false product - exactly what he said, false product. We tried to explain how the business worked, but he flat out refused to do the album unless we followed his instructions. Still don’t know why I agreed, but it turned out to be the best gamble I ever took.”

“How long before he warmed up?”

“It was a while, but with clowns like Elliot and Ralph, and good, decent guys like Michael and Robert, he didn’t stand much chance. Even though he’s been with us for eight years, I still don’t know him very well, but I sure as hell respect him.”

Elena narrowed her eyes on the manager. “Why does Julian hate him so much?”

“Where would I begin?” said David with a shrug of his shoulders. “It’s jealousy, pure and simple.” David shifted his eyes to her face. “Joshua shuts himself off from everyone, only letting in a very few, and I’m not saying he hasn’t made a lot of mistakes - still is - but he’s got guts and intelligence and honesty and this incredible sense of virtue that forces you to like him unless you get completely caught up in envy.”

Elena looked back at the band, where they were still arguing over another song. Joshua was adamantly shaking his head, refusing to back down. He was pretty complex, she decided. Just when she had him figured out, he went and changed the game on her, forcing her to start all over. Maybe that was why she couldn’t get him off her mind, or maybe, she thought with a wicked smile, it was the way his jeans hugged his hips and rear end.

CHAPTER 5

Joshua plucked a string on Elliot’s guitar, listening for the tone, then adjusted it once more. Elliot could never tune his own guitar. It wasn’t that he didn’t know whether it was in tune or not, he just didn’t have the patience to get it right. He expected Joshua to do it for him. Joshua didn’t mind, he’d tuned all the guitars in his brother’s band as a kid, before James would agree to let him join.

Elliot listened, screwing up his face in concentration. “So what’s been eating you lately?” he asked.

Joshua held up a hand to silence him a moment. Again he plucked the string and they both listened expectantly. Elliot nodded that it sounded good, but Joshua wasn’t pleased. “Nothing, why’d you ask?”

“You’ve been acting strange, even for you.”

Joshua gave him a chilling look before returning to the guitar. “I’m fine.”

“My ass,” said Elliot, swinging the leg that dangled over the stool.

Joshua lifted his brows at his friend. “Whatever.”

“I think you miss Megan. Maybe you were a little hasty in cooling things with her. She’s been your longest steady for awhile now.”

“Maybe you’re right, El,” said Joshua calmly.

Too calmly for Elliot. “So if it ain’t Megan, then what?”

“Then nothing.”

“Come on, Josh, you never miss rehearsal.”

“I obviously didn’t or I wouldn’t be spending a whole damn hour tuning your guitar.”

Elliot chewed on his lip a moment in silence. “So, what do you think my chances are with Elena?”

Joshua’s head snapped up, but Elliot wasn’t watching him. His eyes were fixed on the back of the auditorium where Elena was talking with David. “She’s engaged, El, remember?”

Elliot glanced at his friend. “She isn’t very thrilled with it. I asked her point blank.”

“You did what?”

Elliot met his friend’s stare. “I asked her if she wanted to marry her fiancé and she told me she didn’t know. So what do think my chances are?”

“About as good as getting struck with lightning and about as enjoyable.”

“Bull shit, look at her and tell me you haven’t had dirty thoughts.”

Joshua permitted himself one glance. “Maybe, but I’m not stupid enough to act on it and neither are you. Stay away, El, or she’s gonna hurt you.”

“What if she’s the one?”

Joshua frowned. “The one for what?”

“What’s going on?” asked Robert as he moved into the conversation.

“Just asking Josh what he thinks my chances are with Elena Harris.”

Robert seemed surprised. “Thought she was engaged?”

“She is,” said Joshua.

“Maybe not,” amended Elliot.

Robert looked at the woman in question. “I think she’s out of your league, El,” he said soberly.

Joshua nodded grimly. “Thanks, Bobby, at least someone’s got his head out of his pants around here.”

Elliot waved his best friend off, but Robert suddenly turned his attention to the lead singer.

“I still say she might be the one.”

“The one to knock you on your ass,” said Joshua severely.

Robert’s brows lifted in surprise. “So ask her out and see, El?” he said, but his eyes never left Joshua.

Joshua met his gaze for a moment, but he deliberately shifted his attention back to the guitar.

“Maybe I will,” said Elliot.

Joshua shook his head in disgust. “Setting yourself up for a real hard fall, pal.”

“Maybe not,” said Robert.

“Yeah, anyway, maybe I’ll just ask her to go play pool at the pizza parlor with us tonight. Make it a casual, group thing, no strings, and see what happens.”

“You’re a friggin’ idiot,” muttered Joshua. “She’s gonna grind you under her heel.”

“And I’ll enjoy every minute of it,” said Elliot with a laugh.

Joshua couldn’t help but return his smile.

* * *

Joshua had no intention of going to the Friday night pool party. He’d expected to spend the weekend with his daughter, but Terry had prevented that by demanding Tiffany stay home as punishment for not doing her homework. Then Elena had accepted Elliot’s invitation, causing Joshua to bristle with irritation, and the combination had worked to put him in a foul mood. There was no way he intended to stay home, moping about his empty house while Elliot made passes at the woman he wanted.

Joshua felt not a little guilty by his uncharitable thoughts toward Elliot. When he and Elliot had become friends, Elliot had insisted they swear no woman would ever come between them. To date Joshua had never found a woman worth the risk. Whenever Elliot showed interest in a woman, Joshua deliberately and obviously backed off. Still Elena Harris was different. Why? Joshua wasn’t exactly sure, but she was and he wasn’t going to back off this time.

He knew the others were taking the limo from the office. These Friday night pool parties tended to get a little rowdy and no one wanted to risk driving while under the influence. No one wanted to be the designated driver either, so they agreed to have the limo chauffer them around. Joshua rarely attended a Friday night blow out - he wasn’t a drinker and if he didn’t have his daughter, he usually had a private evening planned with a date. Still, on the unusual occasion when he did attend, he always drove himself. He was always ready to leave before anyone else. This night was no exception, even though he bristled at the knowledge that Elliot had Elena to himself in the limo on the way from the office to the pizza parlor.

Parking the Cherokee in the parking lot, he noticed the early crowd. A lot of people knew the band members from Avalanche frequented this place. Joshua drew a deep breath. God, he didn’t want to be bombarded by people tonight. Flexing his shoulders, he resolved himself to the situation.

Throwing open the door, he climbed out and strolled across the parking lot. His body guard, Dominic fell into step behind him. He knew Joshua liked to drive himself, and he knew that Joshua didn’t want him hovering over him. They had worked out this arrangement years ago.

A few young women standing outside the door started whispering and giggling as he walked by, but he deliberately ignored them. He knew Dominic’s dark scowl would keep them away, unless Joshua acknowledged them.

Inside the room was smoky and smelled of beer. Joshua moved through the thick crowd, drawing attention as he went. Dominic melted into the crowd. Joshua wouldn’t see him again until it was time to go, unless he needed Dominic’s hulking presence. He found Ralph at the bar, talking with two college women, the women laughing at everything he said.

“Hey, Josh, how’s about a beer?” he said, hooking Joshua around the shoulder with an arm.

Joshua threw a negligent smile at the women and nodded to his friend. Ralph yelled at the bartender over the music.

“Ladies,” he said, turning back to his captive audience, “let me introduce you to the one and only Joshua Ravensong.”

Joshua frowned at Ralph, but threw another smile at the two women. They both offered him their hands and laughed effervescently at him.

“You both must be college students,” said Joshua, turning on his charm.

The women glanced at each other and laughed again. Joshua took in their pretty California faces, both blonds wearing enough makeup to make it look effortless. They each had nice even teeth, and were tall and thin, their clothing hugging every curve of bodies he would usually find more than tempting.

“State,” said the taller one, tilting her head at a deliberately seductive angle.

Joshua met the frank gaze of her brown eyes. She was nearly as tall as he was and had nice, full lips. His gaze lazily swept down her body and she feigned modesty by looking into her drink, then glancing at him through her thick lashes. It would usually be enough invitation for him, but not tonight. Turning and casting a half-smile on the bartender, he lifted the beer to his mouth and took a sip.

“I love the new album,” said the shorter of the two women, leaning over Ralph so Joshua could hear.

Joshua smiled at her again, but the smile never reached his eyes. “Thanks. What year are you both?”

“Seniors,” said the tall one. “I’m studying Anthropology. I’m writing my thesis paper on Native Peoples in America.”

Joshua’s mouth lifted in his sardonic grin and he met Ralph’s amused eyes. “Really, how fascinating,” he said, but his voice lacked all warmth. Another California blond wondering what it would be like to bed the rock star savage.

“What a coincidence,” said Ralph, and Joshua recognized the sarcastic tone to his voice. “Joshua is Native American.”

“Really?” said the taller one, her eyes going wide.

Joshua drank another sip from his beer and nodded at her.

“Maybe I could interview you for my paper.”

Joshua glanced at Ralph. “Now wouldn’t that be fascinating.”

“Oh, I’m sure it would,” added Ralph.

Joshua threw her a smile. “I think this place is a little noisy for an interview.”

She caught his meaning and glanced around the crowded pizza parlor. “Yes, it is. Maybe we could go...”

She stopped in mid-sentence, glancing over her shoulder to where Joshua’s eyes had drifted. Elena had just stepped into view. She was in the back room by the pool table, laughing at something Elliot had said. Joshua felt something fairly close to rage prickle down his spine. Picking up his beer, he pushed away from the bar.

“Excuse me,” he said, brushing past the two college students.

He stepped into the more private room. Michael and Robert were there with Elliot and Elena. As soon as Elliot caught sight of him, he smiled and waved him over.

“Come on, Josh, we haven’t started yet.”

Joshua’s gaze chanced to meet Elena’s, but she quickly looked away, moving to the rack on the wall and picking a pool stick. Joshua moved to her side, his eyes surveying the many choices.

“So, the California girls didn’t interest you,” she muttered under her breath.

Joshua lifted his eyes to her in surprise. He fingered the wood grain on one of the sticks and lifted it down, balancing it in the hand that still held his beer.

“There’s a lot of women here,” he answered, turning back to the table. “So, we playing teams or what?”

“So long as you and Elliot aren’t together,” said Robert.

“Why? You think we’re too good for you,” said Joshua, setting his beer on the edge of the table.

“No, you cheat,” said Robert, leaning over the table to take aim.

“Bull shit!” shouted Elliot, downing the rest of his beer.

Joshua laughed, then cast a casual glance at Elena. “You ever play?”

“Once or twice,” she said, holding the stick as if she’d never held one before.

“Where’s Ralph? We’ve got an odd man,” said Michael, looking into the other room.

“Ralph is certainly the man then,” said Robert, drawing a laugh from his companions. He picked up his beer and took a sip. “I’ll keep score this first game. Let Michael or Elena pick who they want to play with.”

“I’ll take Joshua,” said Michael.

Joshua flashed a smile at Michael, but it vanished as Elliot threw an arm around Elena’s shoulder. “Then it’s you and me, toots,” he said, hugging her to him.

Deliberately Joshua turned away. He didn’t know why he was feeling so irritated tonight. Elliot was interested in the woman, what the hell? He’d been thinking of taking home the tall California blond just a few minutes ago. And Elena had made it quite clear to him that she wasn’t interested. Still he couldn’t deny the feeling, but he’d be damned if he’d let anyone else see his weakness.

As the game progressed, he forced himself to relax and enjoy himself. It wasn’t easy. Elliot made it damn difficult. He kept hugging Elena every chance he got and he got many. Elena hadn’t been exactly honest when she said she’d played only a few times. The fact that she must have played a lot became obvious right away.

“Thought you didn’t play much,” said Robert after she sank a particularly hard shot.

“Did I say that?” she answered, batting her lashes in a move that made Joshua squirm. “Well, maybe I played a little in college.”

Elliot laughed. “A little, hell, I’m glad Michael left you to me.”

Joshua chewed on his lower lip and leaned against the table, his arms crossed over his chest. He glanced up at the clock, noticing it was only ten. This shit could go on for a lot of hours still.

A waitress flounced into the room, asking if anyone wanted anything else to drink. Joshua shook his head, tossing her an automatic smile. She returned it with a little more heat and Joshua felt Elena’s eyes on him. He met her look. Was that jealousy he saw? Damn, he sure hoped so because she was making him writhe with the way she laughed and talked to Elliot.

After a while, Elliot moved to his friend’s side, his eyes fixed on Elena as she bent over the table before them. “Can’t hardly concentrate when she does that.”

Joshua’s eyes followed the line of Elena’s figure. “It is distracting.”

Elliot cast Joshua a quick glance. “Distracting, hell, it’s damn uncomfortable.”

Joshua laughed. “She’s easy to look at, but I bet she’s got one hell of a temper if you cross her.”

Elliot smiled wickedly. “I don’t intend to make her mad.”

Joshua shook his head. “Why this one, El? It isn’t like you to go after another man’s woman.”

“She isn’t another man’s woman. She told me she’s thinking about breaking off her engagement when her fiancé gets back from sabbatical.”

“Right. That’s why she wears that huge rock on her finger.”

Elliot’s look turned into a scowl. “Why do you care anyway?” he said in irritation.

Joshua lifted his brows at his friend. “Calm down, El. I’m just trying to save you from getting your heart crushed.” He hesitated, realizing he was lying, but he pushed that thought from his mind. “Anyway, I thought no woman was going to come between us.”

“She isn’t coming between us,” said Elliot, his voice still surly. “Unless you got your eye on her.” He turned to Joshua and stared at him closely. “Come on, Josh. You think she ain’t my type. Give me a break. That woman ain’t one-night stand material.”

Joshua started to argue with him regarding his intentions, but he thought better about it. “I’m not interested, El. Really. I like ‘em without attachments, that way I don’t feel guilty in the end.”

Elliot laughed, the sound coming out forced. “That’s what I figured, but you been acting so strange lately.”

Joshua shook his head. “It’s Terry, that’s all.”

“Again?” said Elliot. “What now?”

“Long story,” answered Joshua, lifting his stick and moving toward the table. He leaned over, taking aim.

* * *

They all sat at the table eating pizza and drinking pitchers of beer. Elliot deliberately placed himself next to Elena at the far end of the table where it rested against the wall. He hemmed her in so well that she really couldn’t talk to anyone else. Joshua watched him drink another beer, then grab the pitcher, filling his own glass and then Elena’s.

Joshua frowned, hating to see Elliot drinking so much. He had a habit of drinking more than his share. Many nights Joshua had dragged him up to his room, only to support him when he got sick. Even though Elliot only got silly when he was drunk, Joshua still hated it. It brought back too many memories of his biological father.

Robert looked up from his plate and met Joshua’s stare. “He’s had enough, hasn’t he?”

Joshua nodded. “Too much.”

Robert looked down the table at his reeling friend. “Maybe I’ll walk him to the bathroom and take him outside for some fresh air.”

“Be my guest. I think I babysat him the last time.”

Robert turned to look at the clock over the bar. “It’s twelve already. Shit, I want to go home. Mae’s gonna be pissed when I come in this late.”

Joshua leaned closer so he wouldn’t have to raise his voice over the music and the loud conversation around them. “Tell the others that you’re taking the limo and Elliot home.”

Robert’s eyes shifted to the pool room where Michael and Ralph were playing against the two blond college women. “I don’t think they’re ready yet.”

“Michael is. I’m sure his wife’s waiting for him same as Mae. Tell Ralph you’ll send the limo back for him.”

Robert nodded. “Good idea.” He pushed himself to his feet and patted Elliot on the back. “Hey, pal, what’s say we head out?”

Elliot looked up at the keyboardist with a sloppy smile. “It’s not even midnight yet, Bobby. What’s the hurry?”

Joshua watched his friend. He’d been with Elliot enough to know he was dangling over the edge. In the next few minutes his happy stupor was going to become violent sickness.

“Don’t you think you’ve had enough?” said Robert.

“Aw, hell, the night’s young. Isn’t it?” he said, turning to Elena.

She forced a smile at him, moving away a little when he swayed toward her.

“You’re not ready to go, are you?” he slurred.

“I’m ready,” she said, glancing up at Robert.

“Well, I’m not.” He clumsily reached for a half-empty pitcher and tried to pour it into his glass. Joshua caught his hand and stopped him.

“You’ve had enough, El,” he said sternly.

Elliot blinked at him, trying to focus. Joshua knew he wouldn’t listen to anyone else. He’d probably start swearing at him, but he wouldn’t try to fill his glass again.

Licking his lips, he nodded his head. “Guess so.”

Joshua narrowed his eyes, seeing the tell-tale signs appearing in Elliot’s face. No, Elliot never got drunk enough to be mean, he just got sloppily, horribly sick.

“Take him outside, Bobby,” he said, rising to his feet.

Robert put his arm under Elliot’s, but Elliot waved him away, reeling crazily to his feet. Elena was up in a shot and moving to intervene, but Elliot side-stepped both her and Robert, careening into the next table. He put a hand out to steady himself, waving Robert off with the other. As he straightened and weaved toward the door, Joshua caught his arm, supporting him. Only when he was sure it was Joshua did he finally let go, sagging against his best friend.

“I’m sick, Josh,” he whispered.

Joshua nodded. “I know, El.” He lifted his eyes to Robert and Elena. “I’ll get him to the limo. Can you manage the rest of the way?”

“Yeah,” said Robert, then he turned to Elena. “You sure you want to come this time. I’ll send the limo back for you if not.”

Elena’s eyes shifted to Elliot. Joshua could see she was uncomfortable with the situation. “I’ll give her a ride, Bobby. She doesn’t live very far from me.”

Robert narrowed his gaze on Joshua, then looked at Elena.

“I’d rather do that, if it isn’t too much trouble,” she said quickly.

Joshua nodded. “I’ll be right back,” he said, pointing Elliot to the door.

“Just let me check with Ralph and Michael,” said Robert, hurrying toward the pool room.

While he waited, Joshua glanced back at Elena. “Sorry,” he said.

She shook her head. “No, I should have stopped him long ago. Thanks for offering to take me home.”

“No problem.” He glanced over his shoulder as Robert called to him from the door. “I’ll be right back.”

“Okay,” said Elena with a worried smile.

She was still sitting at the table when he returned. He drew a deep breath. It was just as well that she hadn’t gone. Elliot had gotten sick the moment they got him in the limo. Poor Elliot, he’d be suffering tomorrow from more than a hangover.

Joshua slipped into the seat across from her and flashed her his most stunning smile. She returned it warmly.

“I didn’t think you’d take me up on my offer,” he said.

“Why not?”

Joshua shrugged. “After what’s happened...”

Elena chewed on her lower lip. “I’m not very comfortable in those kinds of situations.”

Joshua nodded in understanding. Hell, neither was he. “Elliot means well, he just gets carried away.”

“You aren’t much of a drinker. You nursed that one beer all night.”

Joshua looked down at the table. “My real father was a mean drunk. Every time I saw him as a kid, he’d wind up putting me in the hospital. I swore I’d never be like that. So I turned to drugs instead.”

Elena’s brow furrowed at his words. “When did you see him last?”

“Nine years ago when I was in rehab. He came by to visit me and informed me that I was the biggest disappointment in his life.” Joshua laughed bitterly. “I told him to go to hell and he gave me a concussion.”

“I’m sorry,” said Elena, dropping her eyes.

Joshua shook his head in annoyance. Damn it, why did he always feel like spilling his guts when he was with her? He didn’t even tell his psychologist such personal stuff.

Leaning on the table, he forced her to look up at him. “I don’t want to talk about me anymore.” He said it so softly, she had to lean closer to him to hear. “Tell me how you met John.”

She looked down at her ring guiltily. “John?”

He nodded. “John, your fiancé.”

She seemed uncomfortable. “John lives next door to one of the executives who worked at the recording studio. We met last year at the Christmas party the exec threw at his house.”

“How long before he asked you to marry him?”

Elena’s eyes widened, then she laughed. “Second date.”

Joshua frowned in amusement. “Second date? I guess he was real desperate.”

Elena feigned insult. “Well, thank you very much, Mr. Ravensong,” she said, then grew serious. “I think I should have gone in the limo.”

“Why?”

Elena smiled. “You make me forget my promises to myself.”

Joshua leaned forward again. “Such as?”

Elena dropped her eyes. “You know very well such as. Anyway, why didn’t you offer to take that blond home?”

For a moment he didn’t remember what blond, then he smiled. So she had been jealous. “I don’t usually take women home,” he said coyly.

She stared at him a moment in surprise. “Oh, please. You’re not going to tell me your reputation is all made up by the press.”

He understood her meaning and laughed. “No, I don’t usually lie. I mean I usually don’t take women to my home. They take me to theirs.”

Her eyes widened in understanding. “I see.”

“That way it’s easier to leave when you want. Besides, I like keeping my home private...until now.” The words were out before he could think better of it. She flashed him another surprised look and he held his breath waiting to see how she would react.

Her eyes locked with his and he nervously licked at his lips. She followed the motion, then broke the stare. “I keep wondering if we just let things happen, maybe we’d get back on track and stop being so distracted.”

It was Joshua’s turn to blink in surprise. He rose to his feet and felt her green eyes flash up to him. “Let’s go,” he said.

“Where?” she said, grabbing her purse and rising to her feet.

“My house,” he answered, crossing around the table without looking at her. He stopped and faced the door, waiting to see what she’d do. She didn’t move for a very long moment and he was beginning to think he knew nothing about women, but then he heard her take a hesitant step.

Not allowing her to change her mind, he grabbed her elbow and hurried her to the door. Dominic, his bodyguard, would be pissed he’d snuck out on him, but he’d explain it later. The San Francisco fog crept around them both once they were outside and Joshua breathed deeply, allowing it to cool his body. Her heels sounded loud in the stillness as they crossed the parking lot to his car. He pulled the keys out of his pocket and fumbled to unlock the passenger door.

Only when he’d opened the door did he permit himself to look into her face. She was staring at him with huge, dilated eyes, her pulse pounding furiously in her throat.

“Y-you’re serious about this, aren’t you?” she said.

He swallowed and nodded. “More serious than I’ve ever been, lady.”

She drew a deep breath and held it. When she exhaled, Joshua could feel the warm fluttering of her breath against his face. It was almost more than he could stand.

“Elena,” he said, shutting his eyes, “I’ve never wanted a woman like I want you.”

She searched his face with a look that was either pure terror or disbelief, he wasn’t sure. “Did you really mean what you said in there? You’ve never taken a woman to your home.”

“Yes,” he said, “I don’t usually stay the night. I’m not much for pretending things are any different than what they are. I’m not the hold me ‘til morning type.” He grimaced as he spoke the words, hating himself for being so honest with her. Hell of a way to seduce a woman, Josh, he told himself.

“I see,” she said, dropping her eyes.

Impulsively Joshua caught her under the chin and lifted her face. “I’m not going to lie to you, Elena. I’m not much good at relationships...” He stopped and sighed. “Truth, I’m terrible at them. I’m not promising you anything. But I know I’ve never been so obsessed with a woman before. I think about you all the time. I just want a chance to show you that life is so much more than playing it safe with a man old enough to be your father.”

Tears threatened in her eyes, but she blinked them away. “I haven’t stopped thinking about you either and I keep wondering how I can even consider marrying John when there’s this thing between us. Maybe I just need to have one wild experience without expecting anything more so I can get you out of my system.”

Joshua didn’t know why her words made him feel like arguing with her. Isn’t it what he wanted? A night with no promise of any more and then to walk away in the morning without any guilt. Still, part of him bristled at the casual way she was thinking about sleeping with him, until he realized he usually thought the same way about all the women he took to bed.

“Right,” he said in a forced light tone, “maybe that would allow us to get beyond this physical attraction and really be friends.” He looked away. Shit, it all sounded so clinical and cold.

Turning back to her, he caught her by the shoulders and pulled her against him, lowering his mouth and capturing hers. She gasped against him, then gave in to the kiss, parting her lips and accepting the urgent probing of his tongue. He drew back just enough to look into her glittering eyes.

“Are you ready?”

She swallowed, then lowered her eyes to his lips again. “Yes,” she said.

CHAPTER 6

Elena’s heart was hammering and her palms felt sweaty. Oh God, what had she agreed to do? She glanced at Joshua from the corner of her eyes. Since they’d left the pizza parlor, he hadn’t said anything to her. She looked down at the speedometer. He’d been keeping to speeds of seventy since they got onto the bridge.

She’d never had a one night stand before. What the hell was she thinking? This was Joshua Ravensong. The man had bedded more women than she cared to believe.

Shaking her head, she shut her eyes and tried to relax. Oh God, what was she doing? She’d so casually agreed to go home with him as if this was something she did every day. She couldn’t look down at her engagement ring for all the guilt she felt. She knew she was betraying John’s trust, so why didn’t she call it off?

She looked at the rock star sitting next to her again. He was so damn handsome and he knew it. She had watched him flash a lazy smile at those two blonds, knowing he could have them if he wanted. They’d melted under his absent attention like ice in the sun. It was disgusting. But she was no better. When he gave her one of those looks that made her wonder if she’d forgotten to dress, she thought the most wanton thoughts.

Her heart beat faster. God, this was wrong. She was truly terrified of what she’d agreed to do. She hadn’t been with a man since...no, she wouldn’t allow herself to think about that now. There was a world of difference between agreeing to sleep with a man and...

Before she could get her thoughts under control, he pulled into the driveway of a large, handsome white house. She glanced frantically out the window at the quiet neighborhood with its white houses and wrought iron fences. It wasn’t what she’d expected from Joshua. Looking through the window, she marveled again at the opulent beauty of his home with the ivy growing up the front of it and the columned entrance. He turned in the seat and looked at her.

“It’s beautiful,” she breathed, her heart thudding loud enough for him to hear.

“It backs up to the ocean,” he said, looking up at it, pride evident in his voice.

“I didn’t...I mean it’s not what...” She paused, not sure she wouldn’t offend him.

“It’s not what you’d expected?”

She nodded.

He gave her a wry smile. “That’s what my neighbors thought. I worried they’d burn a cross in my front yard at first, but when I didn’t have any drug parties or hookers over, they learned to accept me.”

She looked down, unable to meet his gaze. He was silent for a moment, then reached for the handle on the door. “Come on,” he said brightly. “Let’s go for a walk on the beach.”

She lifted her eyes to him gratefully and opened the door, stepping into the cool ocean breeze. He held his hand out to her and she took it, following him to the side of the house. He pulled out his keys and unlocked the gate. She moved closer to him, feeling a little uneasy in the darkness, but he led her surely around the side of the house and out onto the beach.

She gasped in delight, taking in the pounding surf and the enormous extent of clean sand. He led her down to the breakers and she turned around, staring at the backs of the houses with their intricate balconies and myriad of windows.

“Oh, Joshua, this is so beautiful.”

He smiled at her, turning to look out over the surf. She moved close beside him, surprisingly glad for his warmth. “When I saw this view, I just had to have the house, no matter how much the neighbors hated me.” He looked down at her with a wistful smile. “You should see Tiffany out here. God, she loves it so much.”

“Why don’t you have her this weekend?”

His jaw hardened. “Terry’s punishing one of us, I’m just not sure which one.”

“I’m sorry,” she said, but he shrugged.

“That’s life as they say. Come on.”

He caught her hand and pulled her with him down the beach, away from his house. He took her to an outcrop of boulders and helped her climb to the top. They took a seat and looked out over the waves. Elena threw back her head and allowed the ocean spray to bathe her face and gather in her bound hair. She felt Joshua’s eyes on her and looked down.

“I’ve always loved the ocean. When I was younger, I’d come to the beach whenever I was upset about something and think it through.”

Joshua smiled. “That’s what I do now.” Then his look became introspective. “Why are you afraid of the dark, Elena?”

She was stunned. “Why do you say that?”

“The night at your place when you opened the door, I knew you were afraid to go inside and tonight at the gate, I felt the tension in your body when you saw how dark it was.”

She wrapped her arms around her knees and hugged them. “It’s not that. It’s just a woman alone...” She couldn’t finish. He didn’t press her.

Reaching out, his fingers brushed lightly across her hair. “I keep remembering the morning that I saw you sweeping up glass with this mane of hair falling all around your shoulders.”

His questing fingers found the tie and he gently worked it free. Her hair fell down around her in a sensual wave, tickling her face. Joshua leaned close and breathed deeply of the scent. His body brushing against her sent a wave of longing through her. Suddenly she knew she wanted this night more than she’d ever wanted anything else.

She turned to him. “I keep remembering your hair loose,” she said, fingering a strand that had fallen over his shoulder. It was so black and silky. Impulsively she reached for the braid and unbound it, running her fingers through the dense wealth of his hair.

He watched her with narrowed eyes, then caught her hand and brought it to his mouth. Slowly he kissed each of her fingers, his tongue running sensually over the tips. Elena shuddered and parted her lips.

“Come on,” he said huskily, pulling her to her feet. She swayed against him. He half-carried her down from the boulders and then once on the sand, he put his arm around her waist and held her close. Elena found herself sinking into his arms, wishing it wasn’t so far back to his house.

Except when they came to the stairs leading up to his balcony, she hesitated, her heart pounding again. He bent close and whispered in her ear.

“It’s all right. I don’t expect anything. Let’s just go in where it’s warm.”

She nodded and swallowed at the lump in her throat, then started climbing the stairs. The tension was almost unbearable until he unlocked the sliding glass door and a huge black dog bounded out, jumping up and putting his paws on Elena’s shoulders.

“No, Wolf,” cried Joshua, struggling to pull the dog off.

Elena laughed as the animal licked her. Joshua pushed the dog away and grabbed her arms. “I’m sorry.”

She just laughed again. “It’s all right, I love dogs.” She clapped her hands for him and he brushed against her, wiggling his entire body with his tail. “He hasn’t been locked inside all day, has he?”

“No,” said Joshua, moving out of the way as Wolf pushed between them. “My housekeeper lets him in and out.”

“He should be named Elephant, not Wolf,” she said, laughing as he bumped her into the railing.

Joshua grabbed the dog by the ruff of his furry neck and shoved him toward the stairs. “Go,” he commanded firmly. Then he took Elena’s arm and directed her toward the house. “He won’t leave you alone if you don’t tell him to back off.” Elena watched the huge beast bound down the stairs, then stepped off the balcony into Joshua’s house.

He flicked on a lamp near the couch and moved toward the fireplace. Firewood had already been laid in the grating and he had only to light a match to set it going. Elena looked around, liking the room despite its overly masculine appearance.

The couch was red leather. On either side were two cherry wood end tables and before it a matching coffee table. To the right of the couch was an overstuffed red leather chair and to the left, the fireplace and a fur rug of some sort. Behind the couch was the dining room with a large cherry table and chairs.

Elena moved to the fireplace and held out her hands. “You keep wood ready all the time?”

Joshua smiled. “My housekeeper’s husband takes care of the grounds and he lays a fire for me every night. He knows I like to watch the sunset by the fireplace.”

“Sounds like you’ve got a good housekeeper.”

Joshua nodded. “Martha takes care of me like a mother. She even makes dinner and leaves it in the fridge for me.”

Elena smiled at his boyish charm. Sometimes he could be quite charming, almost vulnerable. She liked those glimpses into the real Joshua Ravensong - the man not the myth. Glancing around again, she was surprised at how comfortable she felt, when she should be feeling anything but comfortable.

“Would you like some wine?” he said, motioning to the wall behind the dining room.

“No.” She shook her head. “I had enough to drink tonight. Maybe some water?”

“I’ll be right back. Make yourself at home.”

Elena sat down on the rug, looking out through the bay windows at the ocean. She could see Wolf frolicking in the surf. With the fire beside her, it made a very comfortable sight. Joshua returned and handed her a glass. She took a sip, watching him settle onto the rug before her.

She placed the glass on the fireplace and drew a deep breath. The firelight danced in his handsome face, softening the hard angles. She expected him to reach for her, but he just regarded her with his steady dark eyes. At that moment, Elena knew he wouldn’t force the issue. If she just wanted to talk, he would allow it.

Impulsively she lifted her hands to the buttons on his shirt. He simply watched her unhook them, then shrugged his shoulders as she pushed the shirt down his back. Slowly Elena traced each defined muscle in his chest and stomach with her fingertips, her breath coming quicker. God, he was so handsome.

“Would you be offended if I told you you were the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen?”

He smiled, his eyes dancing. “Offended?” He stretched out on his side and patted the spot next to him.

She fought the momentary wave of fear. He narrowed his gaze on her, but didn’t say anything. After a moment, she lay down beside him. He ran a hand through her hair and traced the side of her face, then he leaned forward and gently placed his mouth on hers.

His kiss wasn’t demanding, but he knew how to draw a sigh of pleasure from her. She found herself sinking her own fingers into his hair and pulling him closer.

Then he shifted. Fear crowded out the pleasure of his weight on her and she gasped.

He stopped moving immediately, bracing himself on his elbow. “It’s all right, sweetheart,” he said softly in her ear. “Relax.”

She began trembling.

“Elena, honey, it’s all right, I’m sorry.”

She couldn’t do this. Her heart was hammering. Oh God, what was she doing? Memories crowded in on her, terrifying her even more.

“Elena,” he said again, his voice amazingly calm. “Honey, relax.”

She centered on his voice, his breath warm in her ear. She turned her head and buried her face in his throat. Sliding her hands down, she wrapped them around his back and clung to him. She felt his hand in her hair, stroking the back of it, and she realized he was croning something under his breath.

The smell of him, the warmth of him calmed her. Gradually her death grip on him eased and she leaned back so she could see his face.

He wiped a tear from the corner of her eye, a tear she didn’t remember shedding. “Elena, who hurt you?”

She blinked at him in shock. “What?”

“Someone hurt you. I want to know who.”

She turned to the fire, brushing quickly at the stray hair on her face. “I don’t know what...”

“Yes you do. Talk to me, baby. Someone hurt you very badly.”

She looked at him again. “I just got confused for a moment...”

“About what?”

“About what we were doing, about...”

“Making love?”

“Having sex,” she amended brutally. “I’ve never had a one night stand before.”

He waved away her words. “That’s not what I mean and you know it. Talk to me, baby.”

A tear slipped out of the corner of her eye and ran down her cheek. Joshua wiped it away again.

“Two years ago,” she began slowly, “I was on a date with a man, our second. He’d taken me to a very nice restaurant, then expected more than I was willing to give. I asked him to take me home and I was surprised when he agreed.” More tears coursed a path down her face. “God, I was such a fool.”

He lifted a hand to wipe away her tears, then paused, his eyes narrowing. “He...”

“He raped me,” she said emotionlessly, but the tears were running freely down her face now. “Twice. He followed me to my door and pushed me inside, then threw me on the floor.”

“In the dark,” said Joshua, looking away.

Elena shuddered in memory and watched Joshua carefully.

Joshua looked back at her, anguish evident in his face. Without speaking he sat up and pulled her into his lap, tucked her head under his chin. As he began stroking her hair, Elena melted into him.

“Did you call the police?”

Elena nodded against him. “They said I didn’t have a case since I showered afterward and they couldn’t get any evidence. His word against mine.”

Joshua shut his eyes, hugging her tighter against him. “Elena, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that bastard ever touched you. I’d like to kill him for it. And I’m sorry this country is such a friggin’ mess that a bastard like that can get away with hurting women.”

Elena leaned away from him. She studied his face in the flicker of the firelight and she knew he’d never ask her to do anything she didn’t want to do.

Sliding her arms around his neck, she shifted on his lap and brought her lips close to his. “You have nothing to be sorry for,” she whispered just before kissing him.

This time when he laid her back on the rug, she pulled him down with her.

* * *

Elena woke as the cold air struck her. She turned and reached for Joshua, but he was gone. The fire had died down to a few embers. Then the chill air from the open sliding glass door struck her again and she looked over her shoulder to see Joshua step back inside, followed by his huge black dog. He shut the sliding glass door and locked it.

Elena’s eyes traveled the length of his body. Even though he’d gone outside, he hadn’t put any clothes back on. He was so handsome, all taut, defined muscles, broad shoulders, narrow hips, and so very essentially male. He wasn’t overly tall, but what he lacked in height he made up for with his handsome face.

He turned and regarded her a moment as she watched him, then he crossed the distance between them and picked her up in his arms. The blanket dropped to the ground as he rose to his feet and Elena tucked her head in against his shoulder, feeling impossibly secure. She didn’t care where he was taking her as long as she could snuggle into his strong body. His flesh was cold against hers and smelled of the ocean and night, and something else very primitively male.

He moved through the hallway, past the entryway, and to the stairs rising to the second floor. He ascended with Wolf on his heels and strode down the upper hallway to a door at the end. Pushing the door open with his right shoulder, he carried her to a large bed and laid her on it. Then he caught the dog by the collar and ushered him outside.

Elena rolled to her side, rubbing her cheek on the bedspread. It smelled of him. She drew a deep breath and tried to peer about the room, but it was too dark to see much of anything beyond the bed.

Then he was back and he lay down beside her, reaching for her immediately. What followed was a long session of lovemaking. It staggered Elena in its intensity. Then they lay, intertwined for a very long time, trying to still the panic such intensity raised in both of them.

Once their heartbeats and breathing stilled, Joshua pulled Elena tightly into his arms, stroking his hands down the back of her hair. Elena was paralyzed with terror. As she lay wrapped so securely in his arms, she knew she was beginning to trust him and nothing could be more dangerous to her than to trust Joshua Ravensong.

That fact came to her with a glaring certainty - she had to get away from Joshua. She must never allow them to have another night like this or she’d be lost.

Still, it was very late, her clothing was scattered downstairs, and she had no car. There wasn’t any rush to leave, she said convincingly to herself, and snuggled closer into the protective warmth of his arms.

* * *

The warm play of the sun across her face woke Elena. She opened her eyes and looked around. Joshua was gone.

The room was large with a bathroom and walk-in closet occupying one entire wall. The bed took up a second, and a third wall was floor to ceiling windows, which Joshua had opened on his way out. The cool ocean air blew through with the tang of salt water. Elena smiled remembering the same scent from her childhood.

She rolled to her back and stretched, studying the dream catcher that hung over his bed. Sitting up she looked about the room. It had a very Native American feel to it from the bright pattern of the bed spread to the artifacts on the walls and dresser. She liked it, even though it was more masculine than she was used to.

Pushing back the covers, she rose to her feet. She stretched again, lifting her arms over her head, then rolling her shoulders to chase the last of sleep away.

She picked up his discarded shirt and slipped into it, hugging her arms around her body, enjoying the scent of him. God, what was she going to do now? They couldn’t possibly have another night like last night - Joshua probably wouldn’t want it anyway, but still it felt good to wake up feeling secure and content for a change.

She stood before the impressive bank of windows and allowed the sun to bathe her. The ocean was pounding away, the sight strangely alluring, as was everything about Joshua Ravensong.

Walking to the door, she opened it and stepped out into the hall. She listened for any movement downstairs and heard nothing. Curiosity prompted her to move to the other rooms on the floor. The one closest to Joshua’s room was a child’s room with stuffed bears and pretty dolls lined up on a Cinderella bedspread.

She ran her fingers over the bedspread, marveling at this tender side of Joshua. How could his ex-wife keep him from his daughter when she obviously meant everything to him? Elena wondered if anyone else occupied such an important spot in his heart or if anyone ever could.

She shut the door and moved to the next room. It was a guest room as masculinely decorated as his own bedroom. She shut the door and headed for the stairs, descending as quickly as she could. She found her clothes folded neatly on the fireplace bricks and slipped into them, only discarding Joshua’s shirt when she was fully dressed.

The sliding glass door was open and she wandered to it, wondering where Joshua had got to. She stepped out on the balcony and breathed deeply of the ocean air. God, she could get used to waking up here.

Then her eyes spotted Joshua and her entire predicament came home with a staggering blow. He was rough housing with his dog on the beach. He looked up at her and waved. She waved back, pulling her hand in against her breast.

He ran up the beach toward the house, trailed by Wolf. As he ascended the stairs, she turned, swallowing at the lump of anxiety in her throat. Wolf greeted her first, covering her with wet, sandy kisses. She ruffled his fur and then looked up at Joshua.

He’d stopped coming toward her, a look of concern on his face. She quickly took in his sweat pants and tank top, which accentuated every taut play of muscle. He wore his hair tied back to keep it out of his eyes and sweatbands on each wrist. His chest was rising quickly and sweat shown on the bare flesh of his chest and his shirt. He was gorgeous.

“Been running?” she asked, surprised by the catch in her voice.

He nodded, still studying her intently.

She pushed Wolf aside and held out her hand to him. “Joshua, we need to talk.”

He reluctantly accepted her hand and allowed her to pull him toward the two chairs at the far end of the balcony. They sat down, facing each other, and Wolf pushed between them for attention.

“Lay down,” said Joshua firmly and the huge dog dropped. Then Joshua returned his attention to Elena. “Why do you look like you’ve lost your best friend?”

Elena frowned. “I hope I haven’t,” she said. “I was hoping you’d take me home now.”

“Now? But I thought you’d spend the weekend here with me...”

She looked up in surprise. She’d expected him to say many things, but that just wasn’t one of them. “The weekend?” Her voice caught again. “Don’t you think that would make things a little difficult?”

He shook his head. “Difficult? I’m not following.”

“Joshua.” She reached out and took his hand between hers. “Last night was wonderful, but it can’t happen again.”

He rose swiftly, pulling his hand away, and walked to the rail, leaning against it. “After what happened last night, you’re going through with this asinine marriage?”

She shifted toward him. “No.” She paused, shaking her head. “Actually, I really don’t know. I just know I want my job and if Julian knew what happened last night...”

“To hell with Julian,” he said, turning back to her. He shook his head. “Didn’t last night mean a damn thing to you? How can you bring up Julian after what we shared?”

She leaned back in surprise. “Correct me if I’m wrong, but weren’t you the one who told me you prefer one night stands, that you weren’t a hold me ‘til morning kind of guy?”

Joshua exhaled in frustration. “And I told you it had never been like that with anyone else, Elena. Did you think I was lying? Hell, I’m a lot of things, but I’m not a liar.”

“No, I thought you were caught up in the heat of the moment.” She rose to her feet and moved close to him. “Come on, Joshua, you know this job is important to me. I want to earn enough money to take time off and travel. I’ve worked too hard and too long for this opportunity, and I’m not going to blow it.”

“Then we’ll keep what we have private - just between you and me.”

For a moment, she almost relented. The look in his face was so desperate and she felt just as desperate herself, but it was still wrong. No matter what he was saying now, once he had his fill of her, and she didn’t doubt for a moment he would, he’d be off to the next woman like he’d done with every other relationship he’d ever attempted. Except Elena knew she stood to lose a hell of a lot more than a sleeping companion.

“How long do you think that would work? And there’s still the little matter of my engagement. Even if I decide to break it off with John, I’ll have to do it in person, and he won’t be back for another four months.”

Joshua stared at her a moment intently. She met the probe of his eyes, but said nothing. He reached up and pulled the tie off, raking his fingers through his hair.

“Fine,” he said, without looking at her. “Let me get a quick shower and I’ll drive you home.”

Before she could recover from the brutal tone in his voice, he’d stormed into the house. She leaned against the railing to steady herself, her heart pounding. Oh lord, she thought, what have I done? At that moment she wasn’t so sure it was the right thing, but more so, she wasn’t sure she’d be able to keep her distance like she’d demanded of him.

CHAPTER 7

Joshua stood on the back porch of his mother’s home, looking down over the canyon. His twin half-brothers, Jeffery and Joseph, were stalking each other in the dense underbrush and Joshua smiled at the sound of their childish voices. At ten, they were nearly as tall as he was with their mother’s black hair and Adam’s brown eyes. Joshua sighed, missing his own daughter.

He looked up when Adam leaned his elbows on the rail next to him. “Your mother sent me to find out what’s wrong.”

Joshua turned, placing his back to the rail, and looked through the kitchen window where his mother was making a pretense of washing dishes. “She tell you to tell me that’s what you’re doing?”

“Are you kidding?”

Joshua chuckled, folding his arms over his chest. “Why does she think something’s wrong?”

Adam shrugged, clasping his big pale hands before him. Joshua had always marveled at his step-father’s hands. They were so large, yet so very gentle. His own father had rather small hands, but they were anything but gentle.

“She’s your mother, need any other explanation?”

“No,” said Joshua, shaking his head.

“So what’s wrong?”

Joshua studied Adam. He and his step-father had an interesting relationship. He’d never tried to take the place of Joshua’s biological father, but he’d done so just the same. If there was one person Joshua felt safe confiding in it was Adam, even more so than his own mother.

Right now he needed to talk with someone. That’s why he’d driven to his mother’s house as soon as he’d dropped Elena off. The thought of spending the weekend alone was unbearable.

Joshua drew a deep breath, crossing his arms over his chest. Again he watched his mother washing dishes. “How did you know she was the one, Adam?”

Adam glanced back over his shoulder, his blunt features softening measurably. “She had this incredible black hair and this feisty personality. Then I tried her cooking and that was that.”

Joshua laughed. “I’m serious.”

“So am I,” said Adam, then he sobered when he caught the urgent expression on his step-son’s face. “I don’t know, Josh. Your mother had this quality about her, like she could take care of the world and I really needed to be taken care of, but it was more than that. I needed to take care of someone myself and there she was, so strong and yet so vulnerable, and you...hell, I looked into those huge eyes and knew I had to have both of you in my life.”

Joshua studied Adam’s face, feeling a swelling of emotion inside of him. Adam had taken in a terrified little boy and loved him like his own. It was a gift Joshua could never repay. The fact that he’d hurt and disappointed Adam time and time again rubbed his conscience raw.

“Why you asking a question like that, Josh?”

Joshua blinked, pulling himself out of his deep thoughts. “Why?” He considered his words before he spoke. “I’m not really good at the relationship game, as you know.”

“The point, boy.”

Joshua glared at his step-father. “Why does everything have to be needles with you?”

Adam laughed and placed a huge hand on Joshua’s shoulder. “Joshua, you don’t have to dance around the issue with me.”

Joshua nodded, his eyes drifting back to his mother. Behind him, the sound of the boys at play only increased the loneliness of his situation.

“Terry hasn’t let me see Tiffany in the last two weeks.”

Adam lifted his brows. “She’s good at that, isn’t she?”

“Yeah, but my hands are tied, Adam. What am I going to do?”

Adam shook his head. “What if your mother and I challenged her for custody?”

“On what grounds?”

“Abandonment. Doesn’t she take off with a different man every weekend?”

“Yeah, but Ethel’s always there.”

Adam sighed. “She’ll back off again, once you’ve paid enough or she gets what she wants out of you.” He looked at his step-son closely. “That isn’t all of it though, is it?”

Joshua glanced at his step-father, pushing nervously at his molars with his tongue. “No.” He took a deep breath. “I’ve met someone.”

Adam merely lifted his eyebrows in interest.

“And she’s making me crazy.”

“How so?”

“She’s engaged...”

He stopped at Adam’s violent exhalation. “Joshua...”

“Wait, hear me out. It gets even better.”

Adam cast him a worried glance.

“She’s engaged to a man old enough to be her father. She doesn’t love him, and not only that, she works for Avalanche under Julian.”

“And you are attracted to her. She feels the same?”

Joshua considered his words carefully. “More than that. She spent the night with me last night.”

Adam threw back his head and shut his eyes. “Lord, Joshua, what a mess.”

“I know, but there’s more.”

“More?” said Adam, spearing his step-son with his eyes.

Joshua turned toward him, dropping his voice. “She was raped two years ago, Adam. That’s why she’s marrying this man, because she’s afraid to take a chance. Can you imagine what she thinks about her attraction for me? Every time she looks at me I can see what she’s thinking. And I keep telling her I’m not the permanent kind.”

“Do you want to be?”

“What?”

Adam gave him the same quizzical stare Joshua had gotten his entire life. “Do you want to be permanent with her?”

Joshua drew a ragged breath. Hell, if he didn’t say it now, it was going to eat away at him on the inside. “I think I love her.”

Adam took a step back in surprise. “Oh God, Joshua.”

“I know. It’s a mess.”

Adam’s hands came down firmly on his step-son’s shoulders. “A mess you don’t need, Josh.”

“I can’t help how I feel, Adam.”

Adam stared at him a moment in silence, then slowly shook his head. “No, I guess not. What are you going to do?”

Joshua looked out over the canyon. “Give her space, take my time. Before I sleep with her again, I’m going to make damn sure she leaves the engagement ring at home.” He drew a deep breath, closing his eyes momentarily. “Somehow I’ve got to prove to her she’s different, that nothing like this has ever happened to me before. I’ve got to make her trust me.” Joshua’s eyes bore into those of his step-father. “Last night, Adam, I was so damn scared. It was different than it’s ever been. I lay there for a long time, just holding her, liking the way it felt with her in my arms, in my house.”

“Do you know how long your mother’s been waiting for this to happen?”

Joshua’s upper lip twitched.

“We should have known it’d be complicated.”

“Have I ever done anything the easy way?”

“No, son, you haven’t, but your mother and I are behind you, and when you need us, we’ll be there.”

A smile touched Joshua’s mouth. Before he could thank his step-father, his step-sister Jennifer burst out of the house, throwing herself in his arms. The impact of her carried him back into the railing, but he hugged her just as enthusiastically.

She bussed a few kisses along his jaw. “I can’t believe you’re here,” she said happily.

He held her away and smiled at her. “Damn it, Jennifer, you just get prettier every day.”

She snorted, but she was obviously pleased. “You just stay away too long.” She grabbed his hand and started dragging him toward the house. “James and Margaret are on the way. Come in and talk to me before they get here and we have no time.”

Joshua allowed himself to be dragged toward the house by his step-sister, shrugging his shoulders at Adam as they moved past. Adam watched them go, feeling a protective worry gnawing at him. Damn it all, he and Mary had been hoping Joshua would take a more than passing interest in a woman, but why did it have to be so complicated? Joshua didn’t need anything to upset the careful balance he’d constructed for himself. Especially not with everything so messed up with Terry and his daughter.

His eyes shifted to his wife where she was watching him worriedly. He drew a deep breath. He knew once he entered the house, she’d want to know what was wrong with her son. Adam hated giving her more worry. Not a day went by that she didn’t fret about Joshua. He laughed silently. Not a day went by that he didn’t worry about his step-son too.

* * *

Elena halted outside of Joshua’s office despite herself. She had caught his voice and knew she couldn’t pass by without listening for just a moment. The weekend had been hell. She’d fought with herself all Saturday and Saturday night, not allowing herself to call him. But Sunday she’d given up the fight. Realizing it might cost her her job, she’d called; however, he wasn’t home.

Now Elena couldn’t help but wonder where he’d been. Had he gone out with another woman that quickly? The thought of him with someone else infuriated her. She wished desperately she’d never called that Sunday. She’d told herself she’d be cold with him during the meeting this morning, but he’d never shown up. After the meeting was over, she’d decided she’d never speak to him again. And then she’d heard his voice.

No amount of solid reasoning could make her walk past with her nose in the air like she wanted to. She loved his voice. It was deep and intense. She liked the way it rumbled from way down in his chest. More than that, she wanted to hear what he was saying.

“Howdy Chief, how was your weekend?” came Alice’s greeting.

Elena glanced at her watch. Ten o’clock, Monday morning -- he was two hours late.

“Busy.”

“What did you wind up doing?”

A pause. “Went down to my mother’s in So. Cal.”

Elena’s heart skipped a beat. She crossed her arms over her chest and hugged herself, praying he was telling the truth and then chiding herself for the misguided interest in his social life.

“The whole family there?”

“Ever last one,” he said in a cowboy accent. Elena smiled to herself.

“How’s the twins? Hell, how old are they now?”

“Ten, goin’ on twenty.”

“And your sister, what’s her name?”

“Jennifer.”

“Was she there?”

“Yeah, and James and his wife.”

“How old is Jennifer now?”

Another short pause. “Twenty-one. I’ll be damned. I still think of her as a scrawny kid.”

“So Susan’s sixteen or so. Driving yet?”

“No, Susan’s fifteen.”

“Your mama sure raised a passel of kids.”

Joshua’s laughter. Elena shut her eyes, wishing this personal conversation was her right. She didn’t even know who the people were they were talking about, but despite herself, she longed to, especially after the beautiful night they’d shared.

“Yeah, she always thought the more the merrier.”

“How old was she when she had her first?”

“Eighteen and her first was me.”

“She ever marry your daddy?”

A more tense pause, then Joshua sighed heavily. “No, she was too smart for that, thank God. My daddy’s a regular sonuvabitch. ‘Bout the only good thing you can say about him is he’s a handsome bastard.”

“So that’s where you get it from?”

Elena tensed waiting for Joshua’s response to the baited question. It came with a low chuckle. “You best be talking about my looks, lady, if you want a job.”

Elena could almost hear the batting of Alice’s eyelashes. “What else would I be talking about, Chief?” she said innocently.

The playful banter was more than Elena could take. Squaring her shoulders, she hurried down the hallway, refusing to glance inside his office. She never stopped for a moment until she was safely behind the inner door of her own office and had it locked.

* * *

Elena avoided Joshua, but it wasn’t easy. For some perverse reason, he decided to show up for every morning meeting, and he was always on time. Just when she was sure he no longer had an effect on her, she would look up at his entrance and catch her breath, marveling again at his appearance.

If a man had learned how to enter a room for the maximum effect, it was Joshua Ravensong. He hadn’t been voted sexiest man of the year three years in a row for nothing.

Once their hands had brushed when they’d both reached for the same coffee cup. Elena had pulled back, probably a bit too dramatically, but she couldn’t hide the trembling in her fingers when he was near. Then she’d made the mistake of looking up into his intense black eyes. She almost quit her job then.

So, she immersed herself in her work. It wasn’t hard to do. This close to the tour there were hundreds of things that needed her attention -- the biggest of which was finding an opening band to tour with Avalanche.

Julian had assigned her this latest chore and had given her a list of prospective bands. Elena had been going to nightclubs every night for the past two weeks. She dragged Kate with her, but even Kate was beginning to whine about it. Not a single one of the bands had been any good so far.

Elena knew without a doubt that Julian had set her up once again. He kept assigning her tasks that were nearly impossible to complete, hoping she would fail. Keeping her job had taken on a much more intense quality. She couldn’t lose it now because that would mean Julian would win.

She reached across her desk and popped open the compact disc machine, jerking out the latest CD and tossing it directly into the garbage can. She braced her elbows on the desk and rubbed her temples with her fingertips, closing her eyes for a moment. Tears threatened. This was one test Julian was probably going to win. How was she going to pick the band to open for Avalanche? Why weren’t the band members doing it?

Julian had made that point very clear when she’d asked to run a few bands past them. The band members were too busy rehearsing now and couldn’t be bothered. The way Joshua pushed them to get the songs exactly right, she knew this wasn’t a lie. There was no one to help her. No one.

She fumbled open a bottle of aspirin and downed two with a sip of cold tea. She grimaced and placed another CD in the machine, punching the play button. A pounding, discordant sound issued forth, only increasing Elena’s headache. She closed her eyes once more and went back to rubbing her temples. There was no way she was going to beat this one. No way.

She jumped and looked up when the disharmonious music suddenly went off. Joshua was standing before her desk, staring at her with raised brows. He lifted his mouth in his crooked smile and tossed a zip drive and a photo onto the desk blotter in front of her.

“They play tonight at the Bandstand on Market at nine.”

She held his eyes as she reached for the photo. She glanced at the cover. Rage. There were four guys in leather and grimaces posing on it. She frowned. Was this another sick joke?

His eyes danced with mischief. “Just try it. You’ve tried everything else.” He cocked his head and peered into her overflowing garbage can. “And I do mean everything.”

She drew a deep breath and tightened her hold on the photo. He flashed another closed mouth smile, then turning on his heel, he headed for the door.

Elena absently licked her lips as her eyes followed the line of his behind in his tight-fitting jeans. For some reason, the memory of him stark naked intruded on her thoughts at that moment. She shook her head and grabbed the zip drive, inserting it into her computer.

She might as well try this. She had tried everything else.

* * *

“What’s the name of this band again, Ellie?” whined Kate as she sipped at her frothy pink drink, named for some unmentionable sex act.

Elena chewed on her inner lip and shifted uneasily in her chair. “Rage,” she said absently, toying with the top of her mineral water.

Kate slumped in her chair and sucked on her straw. “What kind of music do they play again?”

Elena tapped her toes nervously on the sticky floor. “A mix between blues and rock. You’ll love them.” I just hope I will. They’d sounded wonderful on her computer, but that didn’t mean they would sound anything remotely similar live. Not very many bands worked for the natural sound Joshua demanded Avalanche attain.

A grudging respect was beginning to bloom inside Elena for Joshua’s genius. Oh, she wasn’t about to go worshiping it the way David and the guys did, but she couldn’t help but admit he knew his music. He knew other more disturbing things, but she just wasn’t thinking about that right now.

Until the rogue in question sauntered into the club.

Kate bolted upright in her chair and patted frantically at her hair. Elena closed her eyes briefly and tried to disappear inside her leather jacket. Oh shit, speak of the devil himself!

He’d already drawn a crowd. They hovered around him, inhibiting his entrance and laughing at everything he said. Elena could see the flash of his white teeth as he entertained them with his wit and charm. She hated him, she was sure. Especially because he looked damn gorgeous in his trade-mark jeans, white collared shirt, boots and black leather jacket. His hair was braided down the middle as usual and the earrings in his ear glittered in the faint light overhead.

His eyes met hers over the top of his adoring fans. Elena looked away. No use encouraging him. There was nothing between them. She didn’t need to spend the night with him sitting anywhere in her immediate vicinity.

“Just keep breathing naturally,” said Kate.

Elena turned to look at her friend. “What?”

“Here he comes.”

Elena glanced up to see him moving through the crowd. At a glare from his bodyguard, they parted reluctantly as if they hated having to give him up to anyone else. They could have him as far as she was concerned.

“God, he’s gorgeous,” said Kate dreamily.

Elena glared at her friend and took a sip of her mineral water, fixing her eyes on the stage. She hadn’t told Kate about her one night in Joshua Ravensong’s bed and she wasn’t about to. If he so much as breathed a word, she’d make sure he never bedded another woman again.

“Hello, Kate,” he said in a lazy drawl.

Elena caught the shimmer of light in his ebony hair as he bent over Kate’s hand, planting an old fashioned kiss on the back of it sure to send Kate into a coronary. Kate fluttered her other hand at her throat and batted her lashes.

“You are a charmer, Mr. Ravensong, sir,” she said in a Southern accent.

Elena rolled her eyes and sipped at her mineral water. God, Kate was simpering...that was the word, or so Elena thought. She was still thinking about vocabulary when Joshua threw himself gracefully into the chair between them. She quickly forgot it. He smelled delicious -- spicy and oceanic, or something.

“Hiya, Ellie,” he said, wiggling black brows at her.

She stared at him. “Ellie?” She gave him the glare.

He chuckled and extended his legs under the table, lounging in his chair as if she’d invited him to stay all night. He flashed Kate a conspiratorial glance and shrug, then shifted his focus to the stage. Kate giggled, until she caught the glare. It worked on Kate. She slumped in her chair and sipped at her sex drink.

A waitress quickly appeared at Joshua’s elbow, leaning over him so he could have an unobstructed view of her cleavage. So could Elena at his side.

“What can I get you?” she purred, thrusting her breasts almost in his face.

Elena leaned her elbow on the table and braced her head on her hand. She gave Joshua a pointed look. For the first time, he seemed remotely uncomfortable. He looked up into the waitress’s face and narrowed his eyes.

“A mineral water.”

“Anything else?” said the waitress with an obvious smile.

“I wonder how much those cost,” Elena heard her own voice say as she motioned toward the woman’s nearly exploding bust line

Joshua blinked in astonishment and the woman straightened with an indignant huff. Kate was staring at Elena with her mouth open, her straw poised on her bottom lip. Elena sat up, shrugging her shoulders. She was furious with the world, she realized, and especially with Joshua.

“Come again,” he said, raising his dark brows.

Elena pursed her lips a moment. “Plastic surgery, you know.” She smiled at the waitress. “I was wondering if I should get it done myself and how much it costs.”

The waitress’ eyes got even more enormous. She whirled on a stiletto heel and click-clacked back to the bar. Elena’s gaze shifted from a half-amused Joshua to an astonished Kate.

“I’ve never heard you say anything like that,” said Kate in awe.

Elena turned back to the stage, picking up her mineral water. She tried to appear nonchalant. “Women need to know how they’re subjugating themselves in the name of fashion and men’s perception of beauty.”

“A feminist crusader,” mumbled Joshua, looking downward.

“What?” both Kate and Elena snapped, turning on him.

He glanced up at them sheepishly, the corner of his mouth twitching. “I said it’s getting later,” he answered

Elena and Kate glanced at each other frowning. Kate lifted a finger, starting to say something, then stopped and put her hand down. Elena glared at him, but she was trying hard not to laugh. He was clever, she’d give him that much.

Rage took the stage. The band had only four members, a singer, bassist, guitarist, and drummer. The singer also played harmonica and when he played, the notes drifted over the audience with a haunting, lilting wail. Elena was entranced. They were every bit as good live as they had been on the MP3.

The singer was a tall, exceedingly thin man with a long face and black hair that was swept up in a pompadour. His clothing and look harkened back to a time of the smoky, secretive speak-easys of the twenties.

Elena leaned forward, her elbows on the table. She wasn’t aware that Joshua was close enough to touch until his velvet voice spoke in her ear. “They’re good, aren’t they?”

“Yes, I think we’ve found our opening band.”

He didn’t answer, but leaned back in his chair, closing his eyes and swaying to the music. Other patrons left their seats and moved into the center of the dance floor, rocking to the seductive sounds, pressing their bodies close together.

Elena’s eyes lowered to them and she swallowed hard. She longed to join them, encircled in the arms of the man beside her, swaying in rhythm and feeling the motion of him against her.

As if he read her mind, he opened his eyes and met her gaze. His look was shuttered and seductive. Elena’s mouth went dry.

“Want to dance?”

Elena could only shake her head no. To dance with him would be to erode the last of her resolve.

He seemed momentarily surprised, then a mischievous look entered his eyes and he pushed himself to his feet. “Let’s dance,” he ordered, holding his hand out to Kate.

She blinked stupidly at him, shifting her gaze from his face to his hand and back again. Then she gave Elena a crafty grin and grabbed his fingers, bounding from her seat before Elena could do more than gape at them.

Joshua could dance.

Elena knew this. She had seen him perform on DVD many times; however, this wasn’t the uninhibited dancing that made teenage girls go wild. This was swing dancing - precise steps of complete control. He whirled Kate around the floor, spinning her in and out of the swaying couples and sending her into delighted peels of laughter.

Elena smiled, despite herself. There was nothing provocative about this dance, but the fun they seemed to be having was infectious. She longed to be as free and easy-going with him as her friend was. Sure, Kate thought he was gorgeous, but she didn’t have any other expectations. Elena knew she would never feel that easy with him again. Too much had happened between them, and there were too many feelings, as conflicted as they might be.

When the song ended, they came back to the table, breathless and laughing. Elena smiled at Kate as she plopped into her seat again, grabbing her pink drink and downing the remaining amount.

“I need another,” she said with a giggle. “Can I get you both anything?”

“A beer, please,” said Joshua.

Elena shook her head.

Kate grabbed her purse and headed to the bar, weaving through the growing crowds of people. When she was out of sight, Elena met Joshua’s eyes.

“That looked like fun,” she said conversationally.

Joshua’s gaze never wavered. “I wanted to dance with you.”

“I know.”

“Why does it have to be like this, Elena?” he asked with a frown.

Elena shook her head. “I wish I knew. It just isn’t the right time, Joshua. Everything between us is too complicated.”

Joshua looked out at the band, offering Elena a view of his profile. “That seems like a convenient excuse.”

“How do you figure?”

“Why shouldn’t two people who want each other the way we do just be together until it no longer works? Why does it have to be any more complicated than that?”

“Because other people are involved.”

He looked back at her and started to say something, but he caught himself and simply stared at her.

Elena met his look as long as she could, then she shifted, forcing her eyes to the band.

“You’re not wearing his ring any longer,” he said.

“No, it seemed wrong and adulterous.”

“You aren’t married to him yet.”

“But I was committed. We violated that.”

Joshua made a noise of disgust and slumped back in his chair.

Elena glanced over her shoulder at him. “That’s another reason why it wouldn’t work.”

“Care to explain?”

“It doesn’t bother you that I cheated on my fiancé.”

“You never loved him.”

“But I told him I would marry him.”

“Out of confusion and fear.”

“That doesn’t change the commitment, Joshua.”

He moved so suddenly, she didn’t have time to stop him. He rose to his feet and grabbed her hand, hauling her up with him, then he pulled her onto the dance floor. Elena didn’t try very hard to stop him, but when he swept her into his arms, she braced herself against his chest.

“This isn’t right.”

“Shut up,” he snarled, then drew her closer. Despite her resolve, Elena found her hands easing against him until she had them pressed to his back. The music seeped into her, pulsing up from the rhythm in the floor, through her feet and muscles, until she was pressed the length of Joshua, her head on his shoulder, her eyes closed, swaying with him, their bodies flowing into one.

She forgot where she was. Joshua’s arms around her, the scent of him, the pounding of his heart beneath her ear felt so right. He wrapped himself around her, his hands against her lower back, his face pressed into the fall of her hair. He enveloped her and she swayed with him, letting the music wash away their differences for the moment.

Then it ended and Elena came back to herself. People were brushing past them, leaving the dance floor. Joshua’s hold eased and she moved away from him, looking up into his dark eyes. He didn’t say anything, just let her go, and they turned together, heading back toward the table as if the previous moment had never occurred.

Kate watched Elena carefully. Elena could see that her friend knew more than she wanted her to know. She sank into the seat beside her and Kate pushed her own pink cocktail toward Elena. Elena took it without speaking, drinking deeply and closing her eyes.

The rest of the set passed in a haze for Elena. Mostly she was aware of the man beside her, the heat of him, the pressure of his thigh against her own. She wanted him to touch her, but beyond that incidental contact he made no further moves. By the time the band took its first break, Elena’s head was buzzing with drink and her body felt strung tight.

The crowd on the dance floor disbursed as the band left the stage. A few moments later, the singer with the long face and slicked-back pompadour appeared before them. He held out his hand for Joshua, who rose to his feet and accepted it, allowing himself to be pulled forward in a rough, male embrace, then they released each other. The singer folded his long frame into the chair Joshua pushed out for him and offered his hand to Elena.

“This is Evan Brown,” said Joshua as Elena shook hands with him. “Elena Harris, our assistant manager, and her friend, Kate Murphy, the photographer who shot our last album cover.”

“Nice to meet you,” Evan said, grasping Kate’s fingers. He leaned back in his chair and gave Joshua an appraising look. “How the hell are you?”

“Good,” answered Joshua. A waitress offered Evan an open beer and he lifted it for Joshua to clink his own against. “To old friends.”

“To old friends,” Joshua said before they both drank.

Elena watched them. It was beginning to make sense. “How do you know each other?”

Evan glanced at her. “We were in the same band together back in high school. Actually, Joshy’s brother James was the front man. How is James?”

“Good, married. His wife’s gonna have a baby in about two months.”

“Holy shit.”

“I hear ya.”

“He still a cop?”

“Gun and everything.”

“Never would have guessed it.”

“Neither would I.”

“When you left Blazes to go do the Hollywood thing, James said he would never sell out B music was his life.”

“Yeah, well, Margaret’s his life now.”

Evan laughed. “Poor bastard.”

Joshua shrugged, twirling his beer bottle in his fingers. “He’s happier than I’ve ever seen him.”

Evan shook his head with a smile. “I can’t get the road out of my blood. Don’t think I ever will.”

“Speaking of that,” said Elena, taking the opportunity to break into the conversation. “I have a proposition for you.”

Evan gave her a startled look, then he waggled his brows. “I’m open for propositions.”

Kate giggled and Elena blushed. “Not that kind,” she said, but she couldn’t stop an embarrassed smile. “Actually, I’m looking for an opening band for the Avalanche tour. Joshua recommended you and after hearing you play, I think you’d be perfect.”

Evan’s eyes shot to Joshua’s face. “You don’t have to do this,” he said, sliding forward in his seat.

“She’s right. You’re the best band for the job.”

“Joshy...”

“That’s all it is, Evan,” Joshua said sternly, giving the singer a narrow-eyed look. “I’m serious. Nothing more.”

Evan started to protest, then shook his head. His eyes drifted back to Elena. She glanced at the two of them in surprise. She wasn’t sure what just happened, but there was obviously more to the discussion than she or Kate understood.

“I can’t speak for the whole band, but this is an opportunity that we can’t pass up.” He cast a sideways glance at Joshua, but his attention was focused on Elena. “If they’re in agreement, what do we do?”

“Come to my office on Friday and we’ll work up a contract. You’ll have to meet with the manager and his assistant, but I don’t think there’ll be a problem once they know Joshua and I both back you.”

He held out his hand again. “You’ve got yourself a deal,” he said, then rose to his feet. Joshua rose with him and Evan grabbed him in a tight embrace. He said something into Joshua’s ear that Elena couldn’t capture, then held him at arm’s length, patted his shoulders, and walked away.

Elena wanted to ask Joshua what it was all about as he took his seat again, but the expression on his face told her he wouldn’t answer.

* * *

“Spill it.”

Elena frowned at Kate, then returned her attention to the road. “Spill it?”

Kate kicked her shoes off and extended her legs under the dash board. “I saw the way the two of you danced. Don’t try to tell me nothing’s happened between you?”

Elena sighed, easing the car into the late night traffic. “It was a mistake.”

“Really?”

Elena brought the car to a stop at the light and shifted in the seat to stare into her friend’s eyes. “I cheated on John and I feel sick about it.”

Kate looked shocked.

Elena gave a bitter laugh. “You told me to spill it,” she said, applying the accelerator. “There it is.”

“You and Ravensong...”

“Yes,” Elena preempted her. “We did.”

“Did you break it off with John?”

Elena braced her forehead with one hand. “Not yet.” Thinking of John made her insides roil. “I don’t know what to tell him and it seems downright cowardly to tell him over the phone.”

Kate didn’t answer.

Elena shot a look at her. “You think I’m a horrible person, don’t you?”

Kate was silent so long, Elena thought she was going to be sick. “It’s not that,” she said with hesitation. She shifted on the seat, bringing her leg up beside her. “Look, Ellie, I told you I thought a fling with him would be good for you and I still do, but I meant maybe a one time thing, one night, nothing more. Just sex.”

“That’s what we had, nothing more,” said Elena, unable to keep the disappointment from her voice.

Kate didn’t answer immediately. Elena glanced at her again.

“What?”

“What I saw tonight wasn’t a one time thing. I saw two people who have strong feelings for each other.”

Elena’s fingers tightened on the steering wheel, but she kept her voice even. “Well, you’re wrong. We just had a dance, that’s all.”

“Ellie, don’t lie to me. I’m your best friend. I know you as well as you know yourself.”

Elena felt the wall inside of her crumble. “Oh God, Katie, what am I going to do? I can’t stop thinking about him.”

Kate touched her arm. “I don’t know. He’s trouble, Ellie. He’s got a drug addiction, a crazy career, and a child by another woman. Not to mention his suicide attempt. You don’t need any of that, Ellie.”

“I know, but...”

“But?”

Elena shook her head miserably. “But nothing. You’re right.” She forced a smile for her friend’s benefit. “Look, don’t worry. He leaves for tour in a few weeks. They’ll be gone at least six months. I’m staying here. This attraction should have run it’s course by then and maybe...maybe by then I’ll have met someone new.”

CHAPTER 8

Elena dropped the last bag beside the plastic chairs and surveyed the large crowd who had gathered to see Avalanche on its way. The band members were scattered around the small waiting area, saying goodbye to family members and friends. Elena’s eyes involuntarily drifted to Ravensong. He was hugging a dark-haired little girl and she was clinging to him as if she feared she’d never see him again. An older woman waited patiently behind them.

David blocked her field of vision and she blinked up at the manager with a smile. “Do you have everything you need?”

David nodded. “Don’t know why we couldn’t book a charter. Why are we flying commercial again?”

Elena smiled. They’d had this discussion many times already. “Julian says it promotes the band and is good...”

“P.R.,” finished David.

“Precisely.”

“We’ll call when we land in Philly. You’ll hold down the fort back here?”

“I’ve got it covered. We have three shows to equip by this weekend, one in Concord, one in Oakland, and one in SF. Next week we have five.” She lifted her electronic planner. “It’s all in here.”

“Call me by cell if you need anything.”

“I won’t, but I also have that in here.”

He smiled at her. “Enjoy the quiet.”

“I will.”

Elliot approached them. “I’ll miss you,” he said.

Elena started to make a witty come-back, but something in his expression held her off. He seemed too serious. “Take care of yourself, Elliot,” she said, moving forward and giving him a brief hug.

He didn’t release her as quickly as she expected and she frowned as she looked into his eyes. “Send me an email or two, will ya?”

“Sure,” she answered, somewhat baffled by his demeanor.

She was distracted a moment later by Julian. “Don’t forget to fax the itinerary each day. We also need maps of the stadiums, and all of the various routes to get there. Make sure you contact the limo company each morning and confirm our reservation and the hotels each afternoon. If we...”

“I’ve got it, Julian,” she said. “It’ll all run as smoothly as possible.”

The boarding call echoed over the intercom and the band members began to disentangle themselves from their families. Joshua’s eye caught Elena’s over his daughter’s shoulder. He gave the little girl a final kiss, then the older woman drew her away, moving into line with the rest of the family members who were vacating the waiting room.

Elena held back, hoping for a word from him, a parting signal, anything. He held her stare as he bent and slung his carry-on bag over his shoulder, but he made no effort to approach her.

She gave him a smile and shrugged.

He smiled in return, then lifted his hand just enough for her to catch the motion. Elliot moved up beside him, slinging an arm around his shoulder and directing him toward the boarding ramp. A moment later he disappeared from view.

“My band could have opened for you,” said a voice.

Elena jumped and glanced over her shoulder to see the roadie, Alec, waiting for his turn to board the plane. She placed a hand over her heart. “You startled me again, Alec.”

He handed her a CD. The name, Roaring Bobcats, was written in permanent marker across the cover.

She turned it over in her hand and gave him a quizzical look. “What’s this?” she asked.

“My band? We could have opened for you. We’re better than Ravensong’s friend.”

She nodded slowly. “I see. I didn’t know you had a band.”

“I told you I played piano, remember? That night? I play as good as Ravensong.”

“Right,” she said with a quick nod. “I remember now.” She glanced at the CD again. “I’m sorry, Alec. I didn’t know about your band.”

He gave her a tight smile. “It’s okay.” He shrugged. “People just think us roadies are only good for moving things.”

She motioned to the boarding ramp. “They’re almost loaded. You’d better hurry.”

He gave an uncomfortable laugh and hitched his bag on his shoulder. “Yeah, who knows? Ravensong might want a water or something, huh?”

She didn’t answer, just forced a smile. “Have a good trip, Alec, okay?”

“Yeah, I will. See ya later.”

Elena kept the smile fixed on her face until he disappeared into the boarding ramp. Crazy nutter, she thought, then dismissed him from her mind. She waited until the last passenger moved into the boarding tunnel and the doors closed, then she went to the windows and stood, staring out at the huge plane waiting to take to the run-way.

She couldn’t see anyone on board, but that didn’t stop her from watching until it left the hanger and taxied into position. Her heart pounded as it accelerated, then lifted off, angling back over the terminal and disappearing from view.

* * *

Elena had little time to think about Ravensong over the next few weeks. At least she told herself she didn’t think about him. However, when the office went quiet at night, she found herself wandering down the hallway toward his office and peering inside at the emptiness.

The days kept her occupied, racing from one task to another, but after the first week, it became routine and she had to give it less and less of her attention. She talked to David and Julian every day, sometimes more. She talked to Elliot more often than she’d expected and every night there was an email waiting for her on her home computer. She even heard from Evan, the singer from the opening band, Rage.

But she never heard from Ravensong. It seemed that he had forgotten about her the moment the band left on tour. She knew how demanding these six months would be. The band never stayed in a city more than two days and their breaks were few and far between. Still, she’d expected him to try and make contact with her at least once.

His lack of attention should have been comforting if she was truly going to excise him from her life, but it wasn’t. She missed him terribly and it hurt to think he’d forgotten her that easily. She had told herself she was nothing more than a one-night’s novelty, but she hadn’t really believed it until now.

It made her feel surly and irritable. She snapped at Kate and she hung up on John. Well, in truth, she hung up on John because she couldn’t talk to him without feeling an overwhelming sense of guilt, but there was no call to be short with her best friend.

She knew she had to face John to break off the engagement. It was getting harder and harder to avoid visiting him in Colorado, and he was now pressing her to pick a date for their wedding. Still she couldn’t tell him by phone and it wasn’t the best time to leave San Francisco with the band out of town.

“Did you really want catsup on your salad?” said Kate, sitting on the other side of the desk from her.

Elena blinked, coming out of her inner thoughts. She frowned at Kate, then looked down at her salad. The entire top layer was covered in a line of red paste. She sighed and pushed it away.

“What’s bothering you?” asked Kate. “You haven’t eaten a bite and you’re not the best conversationalist right now.”

“I need to tell John it’s over.”

“I say send him a Dear John letter. It might be cliché, but it works.”

Elena grimaced. “Really bad joke, Katie,” she said.

Kate laughed. “Well, I’m just glad you’re so deep in thought over something important. I was afraid you were mooning over Ravensong.”

Elena didn’t answer.

Kate speared a lettuce leaf and lifted it to her mouth, but she stopped before taking a bite. “Tell me you’re not.”

Elena gave her a frank look. “I’d be lying if I said he wasn’t on my mind, but I know there can’t be anything between us. For one thing, he completely forgot about me the moment he left on tour.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means I haven’t heard a word from him at all.”

“He’s probably busy, Ellie.”

“Elliot writes every night and I’ve already gotten two calls from him.”

Kate poked her fork into her bowl again. “I say leave well enough alone. You don’t need to hear from him. You don’t need to have any more to do with him at all. Eat your salad and stop mooning. I hate it.”

Elena shook her head in amusement. “Some friend you are.”

“That’s right. I’m here to keep your head on straight, since you obviously can’t do it yourself. Rock stars are for fun romps, nothing more. If you’re going to keep sleeping with them, you’d better learn that.”

“Thanks for making my night seem so cheap.”

“Hey, those are the best kind, baby,” laughed Kate, filling her mouth with food.

* * *

“You’re gonna need to mic up the saxophone,” said Elena, glancing down at her clipboard and motioning toward the equipment she wanted loaded on the trailers headed for Oakland. “They’ll need the larger of the amplifiers.”

“What about those speakers?”

“Both of them go,” she said, grabbing the paperwork from one of the drivers and signing the delivery invoice. “Be careful with that, it’s fragile.”

“Elena,” came her assistant’s voice at her back.

“Just a minute, Simone.” She hurried after the driver. “Wait a minute. Make sure those amps are strapped in back there.”

“Elena!”

“Unless something’s on fire, can you please handle it?” she called over her shoulder.

“Julian’s on the phone in the office. He says it’s important, told me to locate you post-haste.”

Elena turned. “Why didn’t he call me on my cell?”

Simone planted a hand on her hip and gave Elena a severe look. “I’m just the messenger.”

“Well, it can’t be anything that important. He probably didn’t get the maps I faxed him. Take a message and I’ll call him back later.”

“He said to tell you I couldn’t take a message.”

Elena paused and studied her assistant. Simone gave her an aggravated toss of her head. Handing the clipboard to the equipment manager, Elena indicated the next items to be loaded on the trucks.

“I’ll be right back, Bob,” she said and he nodded in understanding.

Following Simone back toward the elevators, Elena felt a tightening in her stomach. She didn’t know why she was suddenly so apprehensive, but it had come on her like a wave. She watched Simone punch the buttons and entered behind her, both of them lifting their eyes to watch the elevator climb the layers of the building until it came to the floor housing the Avalanche offices.

Simone’s heels made an ominous sound as she clomped down the tiled hallway and into her office. She threw herself into her chair as Elena hurried into her own office and punched the button on the phone to receive Julian’s call.

“Hi, Julian, sorry it took so long, but I was helping to load the trucks for tonight’s show in Oak...”

“Listen, Elena. Book the next flight out of SF and meet up with us in Tulsa. Pack enough for the next few months.”

Elena sank down on the edge of the desk. “What? Julian, my contract said nothing about going on tour...”

“Well, things change. I need you out here as soon as you can hop a flight.”

“Julian, we have a show every night for the next two months and...”

“Bob can handle it. He knows that end of the business better than you.”

Elena didn’t answer for a moment. She knew Bob had the big picture, but some of the minor details escaped him, like packing a mic for the saxophone in tonight’s band.

“Julian, I don’t understand...”

“What’s to understand? Avalanche is more important than any of the two bit bands we rent equipment for. You need to get your priorities straight.”

“Okay, okay, don’t get angry. I just don’t understand why everything is changing now. You’ve been on tour for more than a month already and...”

Julian gave a violent exhalation. “Geez, woman, you are difficult. Look, David’s had a little health issue and...”

Elena stood up. “What? What happened to David?”

The hiss of Julian’s voice echoed over the line, but Elena didn’t care. The knot in her stomach had tightened. Simone appeared at the door, her eyes wide. She mouthed the word what at Elena, but Elena could only shake her head in confusion.

“Don’t get all worked up, it’s nothing that serious. He’s just got an irregular heartbeat or something.”

“Is he going to be all right?”

Julian made another exasperated sound. “How the hell should I know? I’m not a heart surgeon...”

“Heart surgeon? Where are the guys? Let me talk to one of them.”

“They’re not here. They’re at the hospital with David. Look, he can’t continue the tour, so I have to take over. I need an assistant and you’re all I’ve got right now. Book that flight, okay, then we’ll discuss your contract or whatever...”

“I don’t care about my contract. I want to know what happened to David.”

“Look, I’m really busy here. I’m the only one focused on making this tour a success. I don’t have time to chat right now. Book the flight and leave a message on my cell with your arrival time. I’ll have a driver meet you at the airport. See ya soon. Bye.”

The line went dead in Elena’s hand. She drew it away from her ear and stared at the receiver, then placed it back on the cradle. Simone stood staring at her.

Reaching into her pocket, Elena pulled out her cell phone and hit the speed dial for Julian’s number. The call went immediately to his answering service. Exhaling in frustration, she leaned against her desk.

“Can you book me a flight to Tulsa?”

Simone nodded. “Is David all right?”

Elena shrugged. “I couldn’t tell you. That certainly wasn’t one of Julian’s major concerns right now.”

“Can you reach the guys?”

“Julian said they’re at the hospital, so I’m sure they have their cell phones off.”

“Which hospital?”

Elena shook her head. “He didn’t tell me and there must be quite a few in a city the size of Tulsa.”

“I’ll book that flight for you.”

“Thanks,” Elena said, forcing a smile. “Give me a little time to pack and call my family, all right?”

“Done,” said Simone and turned back to her desk.

* * *

Elena hated hospitals. Not that she thought many people liked them, but they always felt cold and unsanitary to her. People went to hospitals to die. They went to hospitals battered and bruised. They went to hospitals torn inside and out.

The elderly woman at the information desk gave her a kind smile when she asked for David’s room. She was directed to the cardiac ward. As she hurried down the sterile hallways, she dodged rapidly moving nurses and stagnant pockets of grieving relatives. Her heart lodged in her throat and her stomach roiled.

As she turned down the same nondescript hallway that she’d just left, she found herself in a brightly lit room with couches and chairs grouped around a blaring television set. The room was crowded with more huddled pockets of people, but her attention focused on the dark haired man who lifted his head at her entrance.

Ravensong’s eyes widened and he rose to his feet, moving toward her as she hurried across the room to him. She wanted to throw her arms around him, but another figure stepped into her line of sight.

“You’re finally here. Good. Let’s get back to the hotel and get the rest of tomorrow night’s performance nailed down,” said Julian, gripping her at the elbow.

Elena tugged out of his grasp. “Not until I see David.” She noticed the other band members rising out of their chairs. They all looked exhausted, dark rings under their eyes.

“You can’t see him,” said Elliot. “He’s in ICU. Only family are allowed inside.”

Elena whipped around at Julian. “You told me it wasn’t that bad.”

Julian gave Elliot a quelling look. “It isn’t. He just needs by-pass surgery, then he’ll be fine. They’re gonna fly him back to California tomorrow. He’ll have the surgery at Stanford and everything will be fine. Charlotte said she’d call as soon as he’s out.”

Elena turned her back on the manager. “What happened?” she asked.

Robert moved forward. “He had a heart attack. They said it actually might have saved his life. We got help for him right away and they have new medication to reduce the amount of permanent damage, but he does have a blocked artery. If he hadn’t had the heart attack now, the artery might have closed completely and he could have had a fatal stroke.”

“Have you heard how he’s doing?”

“He’s resting well and Charlotte says he’s in good spirits,” answered Elliot. “He’s getting the best care that money can buy.”

Elena closed her eyes briefly.

“All right, let’s go now. We’ve got a show to put on.”

“Knock it off, Julian,” snapped Elliot, coming forward and taking Elena’s arm. “She just got here. Let her sit down and take everything in.”

Elena let him guide her to a seat, but she couldn’t help lifting her gaze to Ravensong. He met her look, then glanced away, warily watching Julian.

Julian slapped his hands against his thighs. “Fine, but I suggest you get back to the hotel early,” he warned. “I’ll expect you in my suite by six o’clock tomorrow morning. You got that?”

Elena nodded, but she suddenly felt too tired to speak. She wanted to melt into Ravensong’s embrace, but he seemed like he was a million miles away. She wondered what she’d done wrong. She hated the distance between them, and she didn’t know how to make it go away.

* * *

Being on tour was like nothing Elena had ever experienced. Life on tour was chaotic and rapid. And plastic. Nothing was real. The way people treated the band and all those attached to it wasn’t real – all of the flowers and candies and clothing amounted to so much glitter.

The morning started around 10:00AM and from the moment she woke, she was caught up in the maelstrom that was road life. Either they boarded a plane, or rode in the limos, or met at the stadium. There they had rehearsals and sound checks and interviews with the media. After a week of such life, Elena realized all reporters looked the same.

What also was the same were the groupies – desperate young women...and men waiting for a glimpse of the band. Some were waiting for more, especially when Ravensong happened by. They waited behind the stadium, behind the stage, behind dumpsters, and even...once...in the limo itself. That had set off a security frenzy that frightened Elena, more for the groupie than for the band members. And after the shows were the endless after-parties with too much booze and food and women.

The only thing that made it incredible was Ravensong himself. Or rather Ravensong the performer. Standing in the wings, Elena found herself transfixed. He was like a meteor blazing across the stage, belting out the sweet, soulful sounds he was famous for or whirling in uninhibited abandon to the frenzy of the instruments. Watching him perform, Elena understood why he had become such an idol. He could transport an entire stadium of people into a world of sound and motion, a kaleidoscope of sensations bringing forth a primal urge in his audience. And when it ended, when the lights dimmed and the instruments fell silent, Elena couldn’t take her eyes off him, until he disappeared into his dressing room alone.

He never seemed to notice her. In fact, the expression on his face was distant and serene as if performing transported him to a place far from the physical world. Rarely did he show at the after-parties and often she didn’t see him until sound check the next day.

She knew she was falling in love with him, but she wasn’t sure if it was Ravensong the man, or Ravensong the idol. And she knew that loving Ravensong the idol was no different than all of his fans loved him. It was easy to forget the troubled, wounded person when all one saw was the glamour.

Sipping a glass of wine while curled up on the couch in the reception room behind the stage, Elena watched the band members and roadies talking and laughing with a number of groupies who had won backstage passes in a radio contest. Robert didn’t pay much attention to the groupies, toying with his piano, but Elliot and Ralph chatted them up shamelessly. Once in awhile Elliot would give her a good natured wink, but mostly he waxed on about all of the experiences he’d had on the road. Elena suspected most of it was talk.

Michael sat near them, sipping a beer and laughing, but Elena had come to realize he wasn’t much of a conversationalist. Julian never came to an after-party. He usually left once the final curtain fell and yet, he continued to hold his morning meetings without fail, even on the plane. Elena suspected it was more to impress the public, than any real need to inform the band. Julian’s management style was very different from David’s. Julian operated on a need-to-know basis, a fact that frustrated the band members. Elena had learned to ignore it, but his constant gibes at Ravensong rankled.

Ralph’s voice lifted over the hum of conversation, telling a rather raunchy riddle to one of the groupies. It completely went over her head, but Elena couldn’t stop the laugh that escaped her. Lifting her wine glass, she took a sip.

“You’d better be careful,” came a familiar voice.

Elena looked up into Ravensong’s eyes. “With what?”

He hunkered down beside her, keeping to the shadows. “This life becomes addicting. Before you know it, it has its hooks in you and you start drowning.”

“Spoken like a man who knows from which he speaks.”

He met her gaze. “Yeah,” he said, then took a seat on the floor, resting his arm on the couch beside her. “None of this is real. The drinking, the women, the attention – it’s all concocted to make you forget what you really are and think you’re something more...invincible.”

“You made it back alive,” she said with a smile, hoping to lighten his mood.

He had been watching Elliot, but he shifted and stared at her, his expression haunted. “Just barely,” he said.

“Tell me about it.”

“What’s to tell? I was nineteen and I almost killed myself, twice – once accidentally and once deliberately.”

She shifted on the couch so she was facing him. Reaching out, she encircled his wrist, pressing back the cuff of his sleeve. He started to pull away, but stopped, drawing in a ragged breath. Elena traced the scar with her thumb, then released him.

“Why?”

“I thought I couldn’t take the pain any more. Heroin is a vicious drug. No matter what they give you, it hurts to go off it. Death seemed preferable.”

“But you did it. You got clean.”

He sighed. “It’s a tenuous thing, Elena. I always feel like I’m tottering on the brink. If I were to tell you that I’d ever stop wanting it, I’d be lying to both of us.”

“How did it go so far?”

He shrugged. “Who knows? I joined my brother’s band at seventeen. In a year, I’d convinced him to let me sing. Things went crazy from there. Our songs started selling, then we got picked up by an agent. He got us booked into bigger and bigger places. Being in LA, it didn’t take much before I started modeling for various things – shoes, clothing, even deodorant.” He gave her an uncomfortable smile. Elena returned it. “I was eighteen and women were throwing themselves at me. There was money and cars and a house. In a year, I went from straggly nobody to fame. They asked me to do bits in commercials and then movies, and then I got my first acting part. James always kept his head, but there was no stopping me. I couldn’t get enough, I couldn’t do enough. And I got burned out.”

Elena felt her stomach clench.

“At first they offer you an upper, just something to get you moving in the morning. Then it’s a downer, so you can sleep at night. Then a drink to loosen you up before you go on stage, then a snort of this to keep you up after the show.” He paused and his eyes drifted to Elena’s face. “It isn’t as far a leap to putting a needle in your arm as you think.”

“But James didn’t get caught up in it?”

“He drank too much, but once they started offering him drugs, he backed out real quick. It was already too late for me.”

“How did you hide it from him? From your parents?”

“I became a great liar, and I pulled away from them. Weeks would go by before I would contact them.”

“Nobody suspected anything?”

He gave a bitter laugh. “They did, but I was an adult by then, on my own. James and Evan tried to stop me. I can’t tell you how many fights we had over it.”

“How did it finally end?”

Ravensong fell silent and he looked at the ground. Elena wasn’t sure he was going to tell her any more, but he drew a deep breath and started speaking again.

“James and I got into a fight about my lifestyle and he left – went home. My step-father called me and told me my mother needed me. It was a trick to get me there. I went and they blocked the door, telling me that they wanted to get me help. I think the drug use was still a suspicion for them at the time, but when I started to leave, my sister grabbed my arm. I flinched because it hurt. I had track marks up the entire inside. She pulled my sleeve back and saw what I had done to myself. I’ll never forget the look on all of their faces. I thought my mother was going to drop dead right there.”

Elena realized she was covering her mouth with her hand. She removed it and placed it on his elbow. He looked at her fingers, then up into her eyes. “I ran out of the house and got into my car, but I was so high I couldn’t control it. I drove it right into the tree in my parents’ front yard.”

Elena’s grip tightened and he placed his hand over hers, running his thumb over the back. “When I came too, they were cutting the roof off the car. There was broken glass all around me and I was pinned under the steering wheel. A firefighter kept telling me to hang on. He was sitting in the passenger seat, holding my hand, but I couldn’t feel it. I was sure I was either paralyzed or dying.”

“How long were you in the hospital?”

“Months. I went into kidney failure. Ironically, my drug use made my veins so fragile that they had a hell of a time giving me dialysis. And then came rehab and my suicide attempt. My daughter was born before I got out. I wasn’t even there to see her entry into the world. For so long, I was scared that my drug use would have some affect on her.”

“But she’s perfect, right?”

“No ill effects that we know of, but that doesn’t mean something won’t show up later in life.”

“I know how much you adore her.”

“She’s the reason I didn’t try to kill myself again. I probably would have if it hadn’t been for her.”

“Did you really want to die?”

He shook his head. “I don’t know. Sometimes I did. I saw how badly I was hurting my family and I was so ashamed. I can’t even imagine what they went through, and then I felt so guilty for what I might have done to my daughter. No drug addict wants to be the way they are. They’re ashamed of their weakness and hate themselves because of it.”

“You were only nineteen.”

“That doesn’t matter.” He motioned to the rest of the band members. “Don’t let this life get a hold of you, Elena. It’ll kill you no matter how old you are.”

* * *

Elena stood beside Julian, surveying the stadium they were to perform in that night. It was the largest she’d seen so far and the event’s planner was telling Julian the show was sold out. Elena had never seen Julian so happy. He was even laughing, something she’d never heard him do before.

And yet, something was bothering her. She moved away from the two men and down the stairs leading to the field. Opening the security gate, she descended onto the field. On the stage the band was running through their usual routine, checking the sound and tuning their instruments.

Walking toward them, Elena couldn’t understand why she was feeling so apprehensive. Everyone was excited about the show. This one event proved that Avalanche had made it to the big time. No one could say they were just a flavor of the week any longer.

She stopped before the barrier separating the audience from the stage and looked up at Ravensong. He gave her a wink, then went back to testing the microphones. She smiled at him. He was the reason for Avalanche’s success – his talent and perfectionism had catapulted them into a permanent place in music history. Leaning her arm on the barrier, she rested her chin on her wrist and absorbed the energy pulsating all around her. He was right. This life could be intoxicating. It was certainly more exciting than any other job she’d ever held. At this moment, she couldn’t think of a single place she’d rather be.

“Excuse me, Elena,” came a voice beside her and Elena backed up as Alec climbed the barrier and dropped into the dead space between it and the stage. Then he jumped and caught the top of the stage, hoisting himself onto it.

Elena’s eyes widened and the anxiety she’d been feeling caught in her throat. Turning, she hurried back across the field and up the stairs to the security gate. Nearly running, she stopped in front of Julian.

“The barrier and the stage are both too low,”she said.

Julian’s eyes whipped to her face and the event planner turned, offering her a frown.

“I just saw one of the roadies hop the barrier and climb...”

Julian’s expression hardened and he gave her a shake of his head.

“Julian, listen to me...”

“That’s enough, Elena.” He forced a smile for the stadium event planner. “I don’t know what she’s talking about, but everything looks wonderful.”

“I can assure you that security is our top priority,” said the man.

“We aren’t doubting that for a moment,” offered Julian quickly.

“Wait a minute,” said Elena, but Julian reached out and grabbed her arm, hauling her up beside him.

“Forgive my assistant, Arthur. She’s new to the business and this is her first tour.”

“Not a problem.”

“If you don’t mind, I think we’re needed at the sound check.”

“Of course,” said the event planner. He shook Julian’s hand, then climbed the stairs toward the upper level.

Julian waited until he was out of ear shot, then he began circling the stadium, pulling Elena along beside him. “Did you want to insult him, Elena?” he said through clenched teeth.

Elena pulled out of his grasp and faced him. “Insult him? What are you talking about? That barrier is too short.” She waved toward the stage, but Julian snatched her arm down.

“Knock it off.” He took a step closer to her and glared into her eyes. “You’re going to ruin everything.”

“I’m trying to protect the band.”

“The band will be protected. That’s why we have security patrolling between the barrier and the stage. Now listen to me. This concert is very important and nothing is going to ruin it.”

“I know.”

“Do you? Because you don’t act like you do.”

“I know it’s the biggest concert Avalanche has played.”

Julian made a disparaging noise. “As if that were it. This concert is where the whole tour turns a profit. Everything after this is gravy, so leave the planning to those who have experience and stop screaming about the sky falling, okay?”

Elena’s eyes drifted back to the barrier.

“I mean it, Elena. Not another word, okay? We can’t afford to spook the investors until this show’s in the bag, got it?”

Elena couldn’t meet his stare. “I hope you know what you’re doing.”

Julian gave a bark of laughter. “Better than you, babe, I promise you that. Now go make sure the catering is all set for tonight. I want to have a little reception before the band takes the stage.”

* * *

Elena watched Julian as he lifted his glass of champagne and saluted the band. She felt like a betrayer. All day she’d been about to tell one of them her concerns, but she’d stopped, afraid Julian wouldn’t hesitate to fire her the minute he found out about it. Now, with the concert less than fifteen minutes away, she felt almost sick. If something happened and one of them was hurt, she would feel responsible.

When a server had offered her a glass, she’d turned him down, fearing that she would choke on the bubbles. Julian’s delighted mood was enough to nauseate even the staunchest stomach.

“I just want to say how proud I am of everyone in this room. This day marks a milestone in Avalanche history. Tonight we perform to our biggest crowd yet, and the stadium is sold to capacity.” He lifted his glass and a few of the roadies cheered. The band members studied him with wary expressions. “Not only that, but David was moved from the ICU this morning and will probably be going home in a week. He sends you all his best regards.”

Moving around the circle of bodies, he stopped beside Ravensong and to everyone’s astonishment, placed his arm around the singer’s shoulders. Elena could see Joshua tense as if he expected to be struck.

“But let’s be honest. Most of tonight’s success belongs to this man here.”

Silence descended like a curtain. Everyone held their breath, waiting for a snide comment to follow.

“If it weren’t for this man’s talent and looks, Avalanche would never have been more than a garage band. This man is single-handedly responsible for catapulting us to the top of the music charts!” He extended his glass into the air again and more people cheered this time.

Joshua’s eyes met Elena’s through the crowd and she knew she had to warn him about the barrier. As she started to circle around to him, Julian drained his glass. “Here’s to our biggest show yet! Now let’s take the stage a little early and surprise the crowd!”

And just like that the moment was gone. The band and roadies sprang into action. Elena hurried forward, but before she could catch them, they walked into the brightly lit stadium and the frenetic cheer of the crowd drowned out her voice.

Elena crept to the edge of the stage and peered out. Her breath caught in her throat. The entire floor of the stadium to the topmost seats swayed with bodies. Rising on her tiptoes, she tried to look over the edge of the stage and mark where the security guards were stationed, but she couldn’t see anything beyond the silhouette of the band members as the spot lights picked them up. A moment later, the stadium exploded in a pulsating cacophony of sound and Joshua stepped up to the microphone.

Julian appeared at her elbow, pouring himself another glass of champagne. “I told you everything was going to be perfect,” he said.

CHAPTER 9

A sonorous voice drew Joshua out of his sleep, but he kept his eyes closed, listening to the woman announce the weather in a languid, sexy drawl. Stretching, he pushed back the covers and rolled out of bed. Padding over to the window, he drew back the drapes and let the sunlight seep into the room. Outside the sky was a brilliant blue.

He stretched again, then glanced over his shoulder at the clock radio. He had exactly one and a half hours before he had to report for Julian’s stupid morning meeting. As he headed to the bathroom, he realized he only attended those meetings so he could see Elena. Not that she had much time for him anymore.

Slipping into his sweats, he opened the door to the outer suite. His bodyguard was waiting, a very large, very mean looking man. He scowled at Joshua as he emerged.

“Ready,” he growled.

“Ready,” Joshua answered and followed the man to the door.

They hurried down the back stairs and into the weight room, where Dominic placed an occupied sign on the door. Joshua felt uncomfortable getting special treatment, but he’d learned on the first tour that it was impossible to work-out once people knew he was in the building. That also meant that his usual morning run was curtailed. He had to content himself with a stationary run on a tread-mill instead.

He and Dominic kept their workout to 45 minutes, which left them both enough time to shower and arrive at Julian’s meeting promptly at 10:00AM. While Dominic took a seat beside the door with his newspaper, Joshua tried to sneak inside without being noticed.

He breathed a sigh of relief when he realized Julian hadn’t arrived. In fact, Elena was the only one present and she was sitting at the table with a cup of tea in her hands. Joshua flashed her a smile as she looked up at him. He wanted to believe her face brightened at his appearance, but he was afraid to hope for that much.

Pouring himself a cup of coffee, he turned back to face her.

“Joshua, come sit here for a moment,” she said, pushing out the chair beside her.

Joshua forced himself to move nonchalantly toward the chair she indicated. He didn’t want to seem overanxious for her attention. As he took a seat, she leaned forward and he could smell her shampoo, a flowery combination that made him briefly close his eyes.

“I wanted to talk to you yesterday, but there was never any time,” she said anxiously.

He leaned away from her, studying her face. She seemed more nervous than seductive. “Is something wrong?”

“No,” she said, then grimaced, “Well, maybe. Look, I know everything went without a hitch last night, but we have two more shows to do in that stadium and I just thought you should know...”

The door opened and Julian bustled through, followed by the rest of the band members. Elliot stopped in the middle of the floor and gave Joshua a frown. Joshua found his attention divided between Elliot and Elena. Turning back to Elena, he settled his coffee cup on the table.

“Go on.”

“It’s just that I noticed that...”

“All right, everyone, find a seat. There’s a lot for us to discuss,” said Julian, further distracting Joshua. He seemed buoyant and cheerful, just as he’d been the previous night. Joshua knew he had a suspicious nature, but he couldn’t help but wonder when Julian’s ebullient mood would vanish.

Tossing a newspaper into the middle of the table, Julian gave a laugh. “Take a look at our review from last night. Sublime. Flawless. Those are just a few of the adjectives.” He leaned forward on the table. “Just think of it, boys. We no longer have to end this tour in four months. We can take it across the Atlantic. What do you think? How would you all like to winter in Paris?”

Joshua sank back in his seat and his eyes drifted to the newspaper in the middle of the table. Extend the tour? A sick feeling settled into the pit of his stomach and lodged there.

* * *

After the explosion that Julian set off at the morning meeting, Elena found herself with no opportunity to get any of the band members alone long enough to warn them about her concerns. She knew she had just one last chance, when Rage was on stage before the main show.

She threaded her way through the back stage tunnels, headed for Joshua’s dressing room, but she knew she would take any of the band members at this point. Julian caught up with her as she was crossing the reception area, Michael at his side.

“Elena?”

She closed her eyes in frustration, then turned to face him. “Julian?”

“We need you to go back to the hotel.”

“What?” she said, frowning at him.

Michael made a face. “I left my extra drumsticks in my room.”

Elena’s eyes shifted to Julian. “Can’t someone else get them?”

“Who? What do you think assistant means?”

“I’m sorry,” said Michael.

Elena felt guilty and reached out to touch his arm. “Don’t worry about it. Can I have your room key? Where are they?”

“They’re right on the table by the window.” He dug in his pocket for his key. “I am really sorry.”

“Again, don’t worry about it.” She turned the plastic keycard over in her hand. “Listen, Michael, tell the other band members to keep an eye on the audience, all right?”

“Elena!” snapped Julian.

Elena glared at him, then turned back to Michael. “Just be wary,” she said, pushing between them and heading for the backdoor.

She jumped into the limo and gave her directions. She couldn’t shake the anxiety that had been plaguing her for two days. She hoped she was wrong, she hoped her inexperience was making her edgy, but she couldn’t shake it.

Digging out her cell phone, she punched Joshua’s number. The call went immediately to his answering service. Taking the chance that he’d check it before he went on stage, she left him a message, hoping it didn’t sound too alarming. Then she decided to try Elliot’s phone, but got the same results.

It wasn’t far to the hotel and once there, she jumped from the limo and raced into the building. Pacing before the bank of elevators, she realized people were watching her. Once inside, she stared at the floor numbers, willing it to go faster.

The drumsticks were exactly where Michael had said they’d be and she was back in the limo before the hour was up. She figured Rage was probably giving their encore. If she ran, she could make it back before Avalanche took the stage. She had her hand on the door handle as the limo pulled into the parking space. She hurried to the backdoor and threw it open, running down the tight backstage passages to the stage. Julian met her and grabbed the drumsticks from her hand, passing them to a roadie who was waiting.

Elena caught a glimpse of Evan as he left the stage. He tossed something to Ravensong, who held it up. A woman’s panty dangled from his fingertips. “That crowd’s wild!” chuckled Evan.

Joshua laughed and tossed the lace garment to his bodyguard, who was lounging in a chair. Elena opened her mouth to call to him, but he was already stepping out into the blinding glare of the spotlight as she reached the side of the stage. The crowd went crazy, the sound deafening. Elena gripped the metal pole and peered out. All she could see was the outline of thousands of bodies surging toward the stage.

“What has gotten into you?” snarled Julian in her ear.

Elena shot him a glare. “I have a very bad feeling,” she said. Her voice was louder than she thought because Joshua’s bodyguard sat up straighter.

“About what?”

“About that,” she said, motioning to the audience.

“That’s nothing. Wait ‘til he really kicks into his routine,” said Julian. “All I hear is the sound of cash registers.”

Elena shook her head in disgust and her gaze met Dominic’s. The huge man rose from his seat and moved toward Elena, staring out at the stage. Julian moved back a pace at his approach, clearly intimidated.

Although Elena and Dominic kept watch, the concert progressed without a hitch. Elena knew she’d get another chance to warn Joshua during Elliot’s guitar solo, but Elliot surprised them all and handed the guitar to Joshua.

At first Joshua refused, but the crowd began to chant. Dominic had relaxed his posture, but he snapped to attention at the cacophony echoing throughout the stadium. Even Julian was drawn back to the edge of the stage and looked out.

“What are they doing?”

He got no response because Joshua finally took the guitar from Elliot and started to play. Elena was transfixed. She forgot her worry, she forgot the crowd, all she saw was the man and the instrument. A moment later, Elliot picked up his second guitar and joined him. The sound of the two guitars wailing in tandem filled the stadium and the audience fell silent. The music wove throughout the vast space -- sweet, piercing...haunting. Elena felt tears start in her eyes. Then, at the same moment, both guitars fell silent. Reverberations hung in the air, echoing across the expanse of the room. Elena caught her breath.

A moment later, madness. The crowd went crazy, screaming, stomping their feet, banging on the railings. Elena felt as if she’d gone deaf. She saw Joshua lift his head, then take a step back. Motion at the edge of the stage drew her attention. Body after body crawled over the edge and bolted. Joshua tried to pull the guitar over his head, but the first body collided with him, knocking him back into the drum stand. Michael fell off the drum stool and disappeared, while Elliot struggled to remove his own guitar. More bodies slammed into Joshua and as Elena watched, the writhing mass collapsed, taking him down with them.

She screamed and started onto the stage. Dominic was a step in front of her, but someone grabbed her around the waist and held her back. Her eyes snapped up to Alec’s face. He wouldn’t let her go and a moment later they were buffeted by other security guards streaming into the melee.

Alec dragged her off the stage and then police officers closed in, forcing all of the band members and roadies toward the reception room. They were shoved inside and the door was forced closed.

Finally Alec released her and she looked around, trying to count everyone. Joshua and Elliot were missing. Her eyes came to rest on Julian, standing disheveled and wide-eyed in the middle of the room.

“I told you!” she shouted, starting for him, but the door opened.

Dominic and Elliot pushed through, dragging Joshua between them.

Elena hurried to him as they eased him onto the couch. “Get me a rag,” she ordered, seeing the blood dripping down the side of his face.

“He hit something when they pulled him down,” said Elliot.

She tilted Joshua’s head back and searched for the wound. He had a cut along his scalp on the right side. “Get an ambulance!”

“I’m all right,” he murmured.

Michael handed her a damp cloth and she tried to wipe the blood away. More dribbled down the side of his face as fast as she wiped. “You need to go to the hospital,” she said, pressing the cloth over the cut and applying pressure.

“I’m all right.”

“No, you’re not...”

“He said he’s fine,” snapped Julian behind her.

She glared at him over her shoulder. “This is all your fault.”

“This isn’t my fault and everything’s all right. The police will restore order and we’ll finish up the concert. Everything’s fine.”

“How is this fine?” she shouted. “You can’t send them back out there. I already told you that stage is too low! Look what happened!”

Julian’s expression hardened. “What the hell do you mean? They have to finish. Those people paid a lot of money to see Avalanche perform and they’re gonna get their money’s worth. I won’t have it said that we didn’t deliver on a promise.”

“You can’t send him back out there, Julian,” said Robert. He was sitting in a chair and his face had still not regained any color. “We can’t go back out there. It’s too volatile.”

“She told you that stage was too low?” said Elliot, moving closer to him.

“It’s not too low.”

“How do you explain this?” shouted Elliot, motioning at Joshua.

“He’s fine. He said so himself.”

“This is bull shit!” snarled Ralph.

Julian glanced at all of them, then fixed his gaze on Joshua. “Get up, Ravensong. You’ve got a concert to finish. A lot of people are counting on you.”

“No!” cried Elena.

“Get up or you’re fired!” shouted Julian in return. “This is our big night and I’m not about to refund any tickets. Get out there and do your job!”

Joshua forced open his eyes. He reached up, pushing Elena’s hand away. Elena thought his eyes seemed out of focus.

“No, Joshua,” she said in misery.

“I’m fine,” he answered, bracing a hand on the arm of the couch and pushing himself forward. “Help me up!”

Dominic and Elena both reached for him. They got him to his feet, but once there, he swayed against them. Elena moved in quickly to his side, but his eyes rolled back in his head and he dropped, dragging her down with him.

“Call an ambulance!” she screamed, inciting a flurry of motion all around them.

* * *

Elena stared at the tile on the floor. She could imagine pictures in the swirls of black. The plastic chair was unforgiving beneath her, but she only vaguely noticed it.

“Here,” came Elliot’s voice above her and a styrofoam cup appeared in her line of sight. She reached for the tea and held it close. He sat down beside her, cradling his own cup of coffee. “This isn’t your fault.”

She met his gaze. “If I had just warned someone...”

“You did. I heard your message. I just wish I’d checked it before we went on stage.”

She gave him a grim smile. “Have you ever seen anything like that before?”

He leaned back in his chair and sipped his drink. “Not before Joshua, but since him, yeah, it’s gotten out of control a few times. I should never have given him that guitar.”

“Maybe we both should stop blaming ourselves.” Her eyes drifted to Julian. “It’s easier to blame him.”

“Don’t get me started.”

Elena set the tea on the table beside her. “What’s taking so long?”

“I’m sure they’re doing some type of scan or something.” He leaned forward and touched her knee. “Why don’t you go back to the hotel and I’ll call you as soon as we hear something?”

“No, I wouldn’t be able to rest anyway.” She fell silent, contemplating the floor again, then she leaned closer to Elliot. “Explain something to me, please. Julian is aware that Joshua changed the band, right? I mean he understands that Joshua gave you a level of exposure you wouldn’t have had without his name.”

“Yeah, he knows that.”

“But yet he hates him, doesn’t he?”

Elliot nodded.

“Why?”

Elliot’s eyes drifted to Julian where he sat, typing into his blackberry. “I’m not sure I can explain it, but with Joshua, I think you feel one of two things. You either think the world of him, or you hate him. You either marvel at his talent, or you despise it. You either acknowledge his looks or you envy them. I don’t think there’s a middle ground with a man like Joshua.”

Oddly enough, Elena thought of the roadie, Alec, and his obviously jealousy where Joshua was concerned. “Does Julian really have the authority to fire him?”

Elliot gave a snort of disgust. “He can try, but he knows the rest of us would quit. He’s always trying to goad us into going on without him. I think he believes we’ve got a big enough name now without Joshua, but we all know we’d go back to being a garage band again. The public loves our music because Joshua writes it. Oh, we might collaborate once in awhile, but you’ve never seen him when he’s composing. We add a few suggestions, a riff here or there, but it’s Joshua who pulls it all together.”

“Why did Joshua think he had to go back on stage?”

Elliot sighed. “Don’t think for a moment that Julian doesn’t know Joshua’s weakness. All he had to tell him is that the fans expected a concert and Joshua owed it to them. Joshua’s never forgotten who put him in the lifestyle he’s living now. And he’s aware he stays there by the grace of those same fans.”

Elena leaned back in her chair, closing her eyes. Weariness pressed down on her. She had just started to drift asleep when she heard people scramble to their feet. Her eyes snapped open and glanced to the entrance of the waiting room. The doctor had appeared in the doorway.

“He’s going to be all right,” he said and a collective sigh went around the room.

Elena rose to her feet and approached the group.

“He has a moderately severe concussion, but he wants me to release him. He’s going to need at least two full days of complete bed rest, no activities of any kind.”

“Impossible,” said Julian. “We have a concert tomorrow night.”

The doctor’s eyes whipped to Julian’s face. “Maybe you didn’t hear me. I said he has a concussion.”

“I also heard you say he was going to be fine. Look, we’re running a business here.”

“You son of a bitch...” began Elliot.

The doctor crossed his arms. “Let me put this a little more clearly. If I don’t have a guarantee that he isn’t going to do anything but sleep for the next two days, I won’t release him. Is that clear?”

Julian was still watching Elliot.

Elena spoke before she realized what she was doing. “We’ll cancel the concert tomorrow night, and I’ll make sure he doesn’t do anything for the next three or four days. After tomorrow night’s concert, we have a three day break and then a day of travel.”

Julian started to open his mouth, but Elena glared at him. The doctor’s eyes passed between them, then he nodded. “I’ll release him to your care,” he told Elena. With another look at Julian, he left the room.

“You had no right!” said Julian, rounding on her.

Elena faced him. “Do you want to tell that to a lawyer? I warned you that the stage was too low, but you didn’t listen. I’m sure the event planner at the stadium would be happy to corroborate my position so he can avoid a lawsuit himself. How far do you really want to take this? A negligence lawsuit filed by one of your own employees has got to be negative publicity, wouldn’t you think?”

Julian’s eyes widened, then circled around the group. Elena didn’t think he found much sympathy there. With a mumbled curse, he turned on his heel and stormed from the room.

* * *

Elliot closed the inner door to Joshua’s suite. “He’s resting peacefully now. The doctor gave him something to ease the pain.”

Elena exhaled.

“Go get some sleep. I’ll take the couch here in case he needs something.”

Elena eyed the uncomfortable sofa. “Why don’t I take the couch tonight? You get some rest and then you’re welcome to it tomorrow night.”

Elliot was also eyeing the length of it. “I’ll take you up on that. I’ll be by in the morning to give you a break.”

“Sounds good,” said Elena, walking him to the door.

He held up his cell phone. “Call if you need anything. I have it turned on now.” He gave her a sheepish grin.

She returned it. “Don’t worry. Everything will be fine.”

He nodded, then stepped into the hallway. Elena shut and bolted the door.

Striding to the inner room, she slipped inside and shut the door behind her. Joshua lay in the bed on his back, one arm pressed over his eyes. Without stopping to think of the choice she was making, Elena slipped off her clothes, then climbed under the covers next to him.

He gave a grunt and moved his arm as she pressed her body the length of his. “Pity I have such a headache or I’d show you how happy I am to see you,” he murmured.

Elena placed her head on his shoulder and wrapped her arms around him. “Shh,” she whispered in his ear, “enjoy it while it lasts. Tomorrow night you get Elliot.”

“Mmm,” he grumbled, “that won’t be nearly as much fun.”

* * *

Elliot opened the door to Elena. He had dark circles under his eyes and he was rubbing his neck. He gave her a critical stare. “You look as bad as I feel,” he said with a grimace.

“Thanks,” she answered, moving into the suite. “You try canceling a concert with Julian breathing over your shoulder. By the way, you’re performing here again at the end of the tour.”

“Before or after we tour Europe?”

“Before. Europe is on hold until we see how Joshua recovers.”

Elliot’s brows rose. “How did you get Julian to agree to that?”

“I didn’t. I just told him that was how it was going to be.” Her eyes drifted to the inner door. “How is he today?”

“He slept through the night. Can’t get him to eat much, but I guess I wouldn’t be hungry if my head was pounding like a drum.”

“How did you sleep?”

Elliot rubbed the back of his neck again. “You’re right. That couch isn’t made for a full-grown man.”

Elena smiled. “Well, I think he’ll be all right by himself tonight, don’t you?”

Elliot shrugged. “If nothing’s gone wrong by now, I think he’s probably out of danger. Besides, he can call one of us if he needs us.”

“Why don’t you get some rest? I’ll see if I can get him to eat something.”

“You got it.” He gave Elena a mischievous smile. “If you hide out in here, Julian will probably leave you alone. I think this is the last room Julian would come to if he wanted to find you.”

Elena laughed. “You’re probably right.”

After Elliot left, Elena went to the inner door and knocked.

“Come in.”

Elena pushed open the door and waited for her eyes to adjust to the darkness inside. She could make out Joshua’s silhouette sitting on the edge of the bed. She crossed to his side. “What are you doing?”

“I’m going to get a shower,” he said, squinting up at her. “Once the room stops spinning.”

“Don’t you think that’s pushing it.”

“I need a shower, Elena,” he answered in annoyance.

“Okay, don’t get angry.”

He braced his head with his hand. “I’m sorry. My damn head just hurts so much.”

“Have you taken the medication the doctor gave you?”

“I’m trying not to,” he answered.

Elena left it alone. She guessed she understood why he would avoid it. “Let me help you.”

He allowed her to steady him as he climbed to his feet, then they carefully made their way to the bathroom. He sank down on the toilet, while she adjusted the water temperature and laid out a towel for him.

“Are you sure about this?” she asked.

He nodded.

“I’ll be just outside if you need me.”

“Thanks.”

She slipped from the room and left the door ajar. Taking a seat in one of the chairs, she picked up the newspaper that lay on the table. Flipping to the entertainment section, she searched for any articles about the band. There on the second page was a photograph of Ravensong, microphone in hand, standing on stage with the audience all around him. Elena settled into the chair and read the brief article. The reporter had interviewed Alec of all people. Alec had stated that he was more than willing to step in for Ravensong should he be unable to continue. Elena chuckled. Poor Alec, always orbiting in someone else’s star.

The only other interview was Julian, himself. Elena’s jaw clenched. The way Julian played up Joshua’s injury, the public would have to wonder if he’d have permanent brain damage. Slamming the paper down on the table, Elena looked away in disgust. That crocodile was willing to use anything to his advantage.

When Joshua emerged from the bathroom, he looked pale and his forehead was furrowed. Elena climbed out of the chair and helped him to the bed, where he lay back, his damp hair spreading across the pillow.

“Are you all right?”

“Fine,” he murmured.

She started to pull away, but he caught her hand, drawing her down toward him. “Don’t go.” His hand slid up to her face and buried in her hair. “Why don’t you make me forget how badly my head hurts?”

She smiled and crossed her hands on his chest. “I don’t think you’re up for that yet.”

“If you do all the work...”

She laughed. “I thought we agreed to avoid this very thing.”

He gave her a severe look. “How successful have we been?”

“Not very,” she admitted.

“How successful do you really want to be?”

“Not very,” she repeated.

His thumb traced her cheek bone. “I don’t want to be successful at all.”

“What about my job?”

He ran his thumb over her lower lip. “Let’s keep it a secret. It’s no one’s business but our own anyway.”

She stroked the hair away from his forehead. “If we do that, I have to make a trip to Colorado. Otherwise, the guilt will eat me alive. I’ve got to end it with John.”

“I guess I understand that, but are you sure you want to end it?”

She leaned forward and placed her lips against his. He returned her kiss. “What do you think?”

“I think my headache’s getting better.”

She laughed, then leaned over him again. “I guess it’s my duty to help then.”

He nodded. “Yes, it is your duty,” he muttered, then pulled her mouth down to his.

* * *

Elena was nervous leaving Avalanche with Julian, but she couldn’t stay engaged to John if she was having an affair with Joshua. When Avalanche left for the next city, Elena asked for two personal days to take care of her private business. Julian gratefully gave them to her.

Elena suspected he was being magnanimous because he was trying to reassert his control over the band. After her confrontation with him in the hospital, the other band members had begun seeking her advice, not his. Since she already arranged all of their travel, there was little left for him to oversee, except some more wildly exaggerated publicity interviews.

She mentioned to Joshua that he was going to have to give an interview or else the pubic might fear that he’d died from his wounds. She had arranged one with a daily entertainment show set to air the same day of the concert.

She hated leaving Joshua, but he was much improved, and she needed to put the past behind her. Kate hadn’t been very supportive when Elena called her with her decision. She said she was concerned that hiding the romance with Joshua would only make it unsustainable.

Elena stared out the window of the plane. Oddly enough, no relationship Elena had ever experienced seemed as effortless as this one. They were strangely at ease with one another. When his family called to check up on him, it felt natural to stay in the room and listen to the one sided conversation.

She didn’t want to spend too much time thinking about it. She was beginning to realize that she’d spent a lot of time analyzing her past relationships. Wasn’t that what people always said – relationships were work? She’d worked so hard at them that they’d fallen apart, tattered and torn by her worrying.

She didn’t expect anything out of Joshua and he didn’t seem overly inclined to expect much himself. They enjoyed each other’s company and for some reason that was enough. Just a few months ago, she’d felt like she had to choreograph her life. Marriage by a certain age, then the requisite purchase of a home, followed closely by children, and settling into a prescripted role. What if it didn’t have to be that way? What if it could be nothing more than enjoying someone for what he offered you at that moment?

Following her instinct not to overanalyze, she lowered the shade on the window, leaned her seat back, and closed her eyes. Before she knew it, the plane was landing and she had to face the decision she’d made.

It was a short taxi ride from the airport to John’s apartment. She hadn’t brought more than a small carry-on because she had booked a flight for later that afternoon. Griping the bag, she stared up at the two story building.

A strange sense of calm flowed through her. She hadn’t seen John for five months. They hadn’t talked in more than a week. He’d already slid into that distant part of her mind, reserved for the past.

Griping the railing in one hand, she climbed to the top of the stairs and knocked at the door. She could hear someone moving around inside and then the door opened. John stood in the entrance, tall and straight and serious.

“Hello, John,” she said, forcing an awkward smile.

“Elena,” he breathed. He made a strange, jerky motion, as if he intended to hug her, then stopped and simply stared. “It’s been so long.”

Elena nodded. “Can I come in?”

“Oh,” he said, then moved back, swinging out his arm. “After you.”

She entered the apartment and settled her bag by the door. The entrance opened on a living room with heavy furnishings and a large screened television hanging over the mantle. Magazine and newspaper articles littered the table. She recognized most of them. He’d obviously been following the tour. For some reason, that surprised her. “This is nice,” she said, turning to face him.

“Please sit,” he offered, motioning at the couch. “Can I get you a drink or something?”

Elena shook her head, moving to the spot he indicated. “I’m fine.”

John perched himself on the edge of a chair opposite her. He’d never been one to display his affection, but by his posture, she knew he already guessed why she’d come.

“How’s the sabbatical going?” she asked.

“Well...well...” He paused and his brow furrowed. “Elena, I sensed from your call that something is wrong.”

She clasped her hands in her lap. “I needed to talk to you in person.”

“I see.” He pushed his glasses up on his nose. “About us, I’m guessing.”

Elena nodded, then reached into her pocket and pulled out the small, black box. She placed it on the table between them and pushed it over to his side. “I can’t keep this. We’re not ready to get married.”

His eyes lifted from the box to her face. “I disagree. We’re both adults and...”

“No,” said Elena, “That’s not the problem. We don’t really love each other...”

“That’s not true, I love you very much.”

Elena exhaled. “John, you left me for six months.”

“That’s what a sabbatical is, Elena.”

“But it wasn’t even a difficult decision for you. You jumped at the chance. Let’s face it. We both moved too quickly when we decided to get married, then you took the first opportunity that presented itself to bolt.” He shook his head, but she held up a hand. “I’m not blaming you. I understand it, but we can’t continue in this mistake.”

“I don’t see it as a mistake, and neither did you.” He frowned at her. “What’s changed?”

She sighed. “Nothing...and everything. I want more.”

“More? More than companionship and security and affection?”

She stared at him a moment in silence and realized she really didn’t know him. She knew about him, but she didn’t know him. “Love, John. I want love.”

His eyes narrowed. “We talked about this before. Love is a journey. It grows with time.”

“And what if it doesn’t? What if we’re wrong? Maybe there should be some spark of it the moment two people meet.”

“That’s lust, not love.”

She gave him a sad smile. “Maybe people need a little of that too.”

His eyes widened, then he sank back in the chair. “That’s what you really mean, isn’t it? You want passion and romance and all the things you told me you didn’t believe in. I thought you were different, more mature, Elena.”

She clasped her hands before her. “I thought I was different too, but I guess at heart, I want what every woman wants. I want to feel more than just lukewarm about someone. Whether that has anything to do with maturity, I don’t know. I just know life is awful short not to feel something powerful.”

He looked at the box on the table. “Sounds like you’ve already found it.”

She’d expected him to guess that, but she hadn’t yet decided how she would respond. Suddenly, she didn’t want to deny it. “I think I might have.”

His eyes lifted from the box. “With a rock star?” he said. “Geez, Elena, you can’t be serious.”

She studied his face and felt an overwhelming sense of sadness. He was a good man, but he was too logical. Everything had to fit the narrow parameters that he set around himself. He’d never approved of her job at the recording studio and when she’d taken the job with Avalanche, he’d been disdainful. She knew her job wasn’t as meaningful as his, but he didn’t have to keep reminding her of that.

“Believe it or not, John, they are human too and have very similar emotions to real people.”

“Always the sarcasm,” he remarked tiredly.

“Sorry. It’s defensive. You have a way of making me feel small.”

“Small? You’re telling me you’re breaking off our engagement for a drug-addicted, womanizing modern-day pirate, and I’m supposed to what...congratulate you?”

She met his bewildered gaze. “No, I don’t expect that. I just wanted to tell you in person. I’m sorry, John. I’m sorry if I’ve hurt you in any way.”

His chest was rising in a quick pant. Leaning forward he braced his head in his hands. “God, you’re serious, aren’t you? You really are leaving me for one of those freaks?”

She flinched. “That was unnecessarily cruel. Honestly, I think some part of you is relieved.”

He looked up through his hands. “Relieved? How so?”

“Let’s be honest, John. Most men wouldn’t jump at the chance for a sabbatical with a relationship as new as ours was. And no matter what you say, not all sabbaticals are done in a different state. You could have stayed in San Francisco, but you chose to come here. Not once did you attempt to come home, even for a weekend, and when you asked me to come out for a visit, it was always with your daughters. You like your freedom as much as I do and you were going through the motions of this marriage the same way I was. You knew your daughters opposed it and you weren’t sure yourself. Did it ever occur to you that you could have asked me to come with you?”

“Would you have? Would you have given up that job with Avalanche?”

“Probably not, but then I already realized we never really intended to marry each other in the first place.”

He looked away. “Do you have any idea what you’re doing?”

“What do you mean?”

“Trying to have a relationship with a rock star? It’s ridiculous.”

“Maybe, but I’m not really analyzing it.”

His eyes snapped back to her face. “That’s a hell of a way to go through life, flying by the seat of your pants.”

“For you, yes, but I’ve never really tried it. I’m willing to give it a go.”

“What if you get hurt?”

She shrugged. “It won’t be the first or I fear, the last time.”

“God, I thought you were more sensible. This is lunacy.”

She rose to her feet. “In truth, this is my life, John, and I’ll live it my way, rock star or not. I’m not going to apologize for that part of it. Please understand. I really didn’t want to hurt you, but after this has all cleared, I think you’ll realize it’s for the best.”

She turned and headed for the door, bending down to pick up her bag. Reaching for the knob, she paused and glanced back. “Good bye, John,” she said.

CHAPTER 10

Joshua hesitated a moment on the edge of the stage. The other band members were taking position, awaiting the grand spectacle of an Avalanche concert. The sounds of the crowd were muted, but a few moments more and they would roar into life.

He eased away from the stage, glancing around to see where Julian was. Dominic lifted his head and sat forward in his chair. Joshua motioned him back, then turned and slipped into the darkened interior of the stadium, heading toward the dressing rooms.

Elena appeared around the corner and he hesitated. Their eyes met. A few more steps brought them together and he held her close, bending to kiss her, savoring the touch of her body against his. She returned his kiss, wrapping her arms around his neck.

Gradually they pulled away and he placed his forehead against hers. “How did it go?”

“It went without a hitch,” she said.

“Unpleasant?”

“Only toward the end.” She held him at arm’s length. “Don’t you have a show to do?”

“Yes,” he answered with a laugh, “after this.” He drew her close and kissed her until she was breathless.

Neither of them noticed the shadow gliding along the wall behind them, headed for the stage.

* * *

This far into the tour, everyone was tired of the back stage parties. Elliot suggested they go for pizza and pool, just as they frequently did in the City. The pizza parlor next to the hotel agreed to shut down for the Avalanche crowd.

Joshua sat in the corner of a booth, sipping a beer and watching Elena and Elliot play against Ralph and Michael. The game wasn’t being taken seriously. In fact, Joshua was a little worried that they might be paying to replace the felt on the table before the night was through.

Robert slid into the booth beside him. He settled his own beer on the table and stretched out his legs. Joshua gave him a smile. For the first time in awhile, he was content just to sit and watch the world around him, not restless and edgy as he usually felt.

“Concert went well tonight,” said Robert.

Joshua nodded, running his finger through the condensation on the glass.

“Things are going well,” he continued.

Joshua shrugged. If you ignored David’s heart attack and his concussion, he guessed they were going reasonably well.

As if he caught Joshua’s wayward thought, he added, “With a few exceptions.”

Joshua gave him another smile.

“I wasn’t sure how the tour was going to continue without David, but it’s running smoothly. Elena’s a good assistant manager.”

Joshua frowned, but he didn’t reply.

“It’s nice to be the main attraction, don’t you think?” Robert lifted his glass and took a sip of his beer. “Well, I guess you’ve already experienced that, but for the rest of us...this is the first time we’ve had this sort of success.”

“We’ve been the main attraction for years, Robert.”

“Not like this we haven’t. The show is drawing bigger crowds than ever. This is the first time we’ve filled football stadiums. And a world tour? We’ve never even talked about that before.”

Joshua sighed and lifted his own glass for a sip. “Yeah, I guess so,” he muttered, but he knew that for him it wasn’t about filling stadiums or touring year-round. It was about sharing the music with people who hungered for it as much as he did. And still, he couldn’t get excited about a world tour. That would take him away from Tiffany for who knew how long.

“I was beginning to not worry about how I’d provide for my family.” Robert leaned forward on the table. “And yet tonight I started worrying again.”

Joshua met his gaze, but didn’t speak.

“Whenever things are going this well, it feels as if we’re one step from falling off the edge. Do you know what I mean? One bad review, one bad performance...one fight that breaks up the band.”

Joshua’s eyes narrowed.

Robert shrugged. “It’s all so fragile in this business. And even if none of those things happen, we’re just a fad away from being over. You know that this is a finite business. All of our success may not matter a year from now when the latest craze hits the teen world.” He leaned closer to Joshua. “So maybe it would be best to ride this for as long as we’ve got and do nothing to ruin it, eh?”

Joshua’s brow rose. “I’m getting the impression you mean something specific.”

He leaned back and looked over at the pool table. “I saw you with Elena before the concert.”

Joshua’s mouth opened, but he found he had nothing to say.

“You know what Elliot feels for her.”

Joshua looked down at the table, exhaling his held breath.

“I thought the two of you had a pact about women. I thought you were never going to let a woman come between you. I thought...”

Joshua slammed his hand down on the table. “Enough.”

Robert jumped, his eyes whipping to Joshua’s face. He stared at him a moment, then leaned close again. “This could break the band apart. Not to mention what Julian would do if he found out about it. How could you risk this? You can have any woman. Why would you risk your friendship with Elliot for her?”

Joshua clenched his jaw. “This is different.”

“How? How is this different? You’re risking the very success of Avalanche for an affair. This isn’t just some fling for Elliot. He’s really serious about her. Why do you think he’s taking it so slowly?”

Joshua spread his hand out on the table. “This isn’t a fling for me either.”

Robert leaned back. Joshua could feel his eyes scrutinizing him. “What are you saying?”

“I don’t know what I’m saying, Bob, I’m just saying that this time I couldn’t keep my pact with Elliot.” He met Robert’s gaze. “I’m not trying to risk Avalanche, but I’m not breaking this off with her either, no matter who finds out.”

Robert didn’t speak. He searched Joshua’s face.

Joshua sighed and looked away. “I don’t expect you to take my side. I know it seems far-fetched, but I can’t give her up. I don’t want to.”

“Damn!” breathed Robert.

“Yeah, damn,” muttered Joshua.

Robert put his elbows on the table and braced his forehead with his hands. “I don’t know what to say.”

“Say nothing,” said Joshua with a tense laugh. “Let’s keep this our secret.”

“How long do you think you can keep it? Don’t you think Elliot should know?”

Joshua shifted in the seat and faced him. “No, I don’t think Elliot should know. I don’t even know what’s happening or how long it’ll last. Maybe it ends tomorrow. Why bring Elliot into it now? I want a chance to explore this before everyone gets involved.” He hesitated. Robert looked like he’d just gotten electric shock. “Please, Bob, don’t say anything. Give me another few weeks to see where this goes. I promise you we’ll be more discrete, but I need some time. Once it gets out to the band, it will get out to the media and they’ll be swarming this story an hour after it breaks. Give me the time to see if this is something to fight for, please.”

“Damn!”

“You’ve already said that,” remarked Joshua.

“And I’ll probably say it again. I’ve never seen this side of you.”

Joshua exhaled. “I know.”

Robert didn’t respond for a long time. Elena’s laughter carried to them in the booth. “All right,” he said finally, “I’ll keep my mouth shut and I’ll even help you keep it a secret, but you’ve got to be more careful.”

“Done.”

“Whew!” Robert said, “I didn’t think I could be more worried, but now I am.”

Joshua smiled.

* * *

Joshua crawled onto the end of the bed, moving toward Elena. She laughed and held out her arms as he dropped into them. He kissed her and then braced his head with his hand, smiling down at her.

“Are you ever getting out of bed, woman?” he said, reaching up to pass a curl through his free hand.

She ran her finger along his lower lip. “It’s your fault I’m exhausted.”

His smile widened and he tickled her. She squealed and tried to squirm out from under him, but he pinned her with his hands, then lowered his head and kissed her. She returned his kiss, slipping her hands from his and wrapping them around his neck.

He drew away and traced the side of her face. “Move in with me,” he said.

By the widening of her eyes, he knew she was as surprised as he was by the request. “What did you say?”

What had he said? He felt a moment of panic, then it subsided. A wave of calm rushed over him. “I asked you to move in with me when we get home.”

She eased out from under him, sitting up beside him. He rolled into a sitting position as well. “I...I don’t know what to say.”

“Say yes. It’s simple.”

“Not so simple,” she said, shaking her head. Brown curls spilled over her shoulders. “That’s a huge move, Joshua. Are we ready for that?”

He shrugged. “Who knows?” His eyes narrowed. “Actually, I know. I’m ready for it.” He reached out and took her hand. “We’re good together, Elena. Why shouldn’t we make it permanent?”

Her eyes drifted away. “Because...”

“Because what?” He placed his fingers under her chin and drew her face back to his. “Tell me what bothers you.”

“Nothing, except how quickly this is progressing. I never even thought of moving in with John.”

“So? What does he have to do with anything? I’m not John, Elena.”

Her eyes searched his face. “No, you’re not.” She drew a deep breath. “Wow! I didn’t expect this.”

He lifted his brows, silently agreeing with her.

She rose up on her knees and moved closer to him, placing her hands on his shoulders. He banded her waist with his fingers. “You’re serious?”

“Completely.”

She placed her forehead against his. “It’ll be hard to hide the relationship if we move in together.”

“You think?”

She laughed and bent down, catching his lower lip with her own. “You’re going to have to convince me,” she said in a seductive purr.

He returned her kiss, sinking his hands in her hair. “I can do that. I’m good at convincing.”

“Yes, you are.”

He deepened the kiss and pressed her back on the pillows. “Say yes first.”

She pulled him down to her and moved her lips against his own. “Yes,” she whispered.

* * *

“You did what?” panted Robert, jogging alongside him. They were running in the early morning hours down a path beside a river. Dominic was keeping pace just behind them. So far, they hadn’t encountered anyone else.

“I asked her to move in with me.”

Robert stumbled, but caught himself and returned to his rhythmic stride. “I’m still not sure I heard you right.”

“You did.”

“You asked her to move in with you? In your house?”

“That’s the idea.”

Robert faced forward again, his arms pumping with each step. “That’ll make it hard to keep it a secret.”

“Obviously it won’t be once we get home.”

“Then you’re going to have to tell Elliot soon.”

Joshua sighed. “I know. It’s getting harder and harder to keep it a secret even now. And I feel so damn guilty every time I look at Elliot.”

“Does Elena know he has feelings for her?”

“I think she suspects something, but she’s never mentioned it.”

“Whew!” breathed Robert. “What a mess. Julian’s also gonna have a fit.”

Joshua merely nodded. That went without saying.

“What if he fires her?”

“Do you really think he would? He’s come to rely on her so heavily.”

“I don’t know. He’s vindictive and if he thought it would hurt you, he’d do it.”

Joshua dropped down to a walk. Robert eased back beside him. “I can’t live the rest of my life in fear. If he fires her, she’ll just have to find another job somewhere or take some time off. After this tour, she should have plenty of money for that.”

“I suppose.” Robert glanced over at him. “Do you think you’re moving a little fast?”

Joshua shrugged. “Who can tell? It feels right. I mean, when I asked her it came out naturally. Maybe there isn’t a time restriction on these things, Bob. Maybe when it’s right, it’s just right. How was it with your wife? Did you worry about how fast you were going?”

Robert didn’t answer for a moment, then he stopped walking and faced Joshua. “No, but then I didn’t have so much at stake, Josh,” he said. He reached out and put a hand on Joshua’s shoulder. “I don’t want to hurt you, but it worries me about what might happen if this doesn’t work out.”

Joshua looked down.

“I’m sorry.”

“No, don’t be. You’ve got a point, one that I need to always consider.”

“I didn’t mean...”

Joshua looked up and met Robert’s gaze, then glanced over his shoulder at Dominic. The bodyguard had come to a halt and was looking around warily, keeping an eye on the few people who had begun to show on the streets.

“Don’t apologize. We both know what I am and what I could become again. But this just feels so right, Bob.”

Robert gave him a wistful smile. “Then go for it. Who am I to tell you otherwise?”

* * *

Elena wanted to sit next to Joshua during the morning meeting, but she didn’t dare. It was hard enough not to make constant eye contact with him, let alone sit beside him without touching him. She couldn’t remember when she’d ever been this happy, which terrified her that something was bound to go wrong.

She took a seat opposite him. He gave her a lazy look, then started sketching on a napkin as he did so often during these meetings. Elliot plucked himself down beside her.

“Good morning, beautiful,” he said.

She could see Joshua’s shoulders tense. “Good morning, Elliot. How are you?”

“Great. How are you?”

“Fine,” she said, forcing a smile. She felt uncomfortable around him, especially since she and Joshua had begun their relationship.

Her thoughts wandered to Joshua’s offer. It had surprised her so completely. She really hadn’t expected him to ask her something like that. And yet, she wanted to tell him yes. She wanted to forego her reason and plunge entirely into this relationship. She’d never done that before, but maybe now was the time. She knew what Kate would say, which is why she hadn’t called her friend yet.

That instinct alone made her nervous. She hadn’t kept anything from Kate for years now. At any other time, Kate would have been the first one she called, even if she didn’t agree with her. Kate had made her dislike of John very clear. Still, it hadn’t bothered Elena. Why was she so reluctant to hear anything negative about this?

“All right, people,” said Julian, moving to the head of the table. Elena felt her muscles tighten whenever he entered the room. “We need to make some decisions about this European tour today. We need to get some plans laid out, so we can begin booking stadiums.”

“When is this tour going to happen?” asked Robert.

“Right after this one.”

A groan went around the table.

“What? What’s the problem?”

“We’ll have been away from home for six months already. You want us to just launch another tour again that quick. Will we have anytime at home?” asked Elliot.

“Of course. About four months, I should think. I mean, there ain’t much happening in Europe right now, so they’re chomping at the bit for some entertainment, but we need to get everything in motion, get all the legalities taken care of, etc. I think four months is about the amount of time I’ll need to get things finalized.”

“Well, that should give our families just about enough time to get sick of us,” remarked Ralph wryly. “God knows we wouldn’t want to stay around too long. We might get stale.”

“Exactly,” said Julian. “Four months is more than enough time for me to see the old lady.” His eyes cut to Elena. “No offense.” He reached for a map and laid it out on the table. “I’ve marked the cities where I think we should perform.” He pointed at Paris and glanced at Elena again. “Great place to hold a wedding. We’ll be there about two nights, I think.”

Elena opened her mouth to speak, but he was already reading off the names of other large European cities.

“Wait a minute,” came Joshua’s smoky voice.

Julian’s attention snapped to him like a cat after a bird. “What?” he said, making no attempt to hide his annoyance.

“You’ve just made a huge assumption here.”

“Which is?”

“That we’ve already agreed to a European tour this year.”

Julian straightened. “I think that’s already been decided,” he responded, looking around at the other band members.

“I don’t remember voting on it,” pressed Joshua.

Michael ducked his head in obvious discomfort. Both Ralph and Elliot looked alarmed.

Julian leaned forward again, resting his hands flat on the table. “Well, if there had been a vote, rest assured you wouldn’t have been part of it. You’re not a voting member of the band.”

Joshua’s eyes narrowed. “So there was a vote?”

Julian gave a nervous laugh. “I didn’t say that there was or wasn’t one.”

“Was there?” Joshua’s gaze made a circuit of the band members.

“No,” said Robert. “There wasn’t a vote.”

Julian’s jaw clenched. “It doesn’t matter. When I brought it up before, no one was in opposition. In fact, everyone viewed it favorably.”

“I don’t remember that. I remember everyone feeling stunned by your announcement. I don’t remember any of the band members voicing an opinion either way. I can promise you I wasn’t in favor at all.”

Julian gave a sarcastic bark of laughter. “And I can promise you that no one cares what you feel. You don’t have a say.”

Joshua’s chin rose. “Really?”

“Yes, really,” mocked Julian.

Joshua rose to his feet. “Then I will remove myself from any further talk of this tour. Since I don’t have a say, I won’t be going. My contract ends at the completion of the domestic part of this venture.”

Alarmed looks flashed around the table as Joshua headed for the door. He opened it and walked through, followed closely by Dominic. Once the door shut, the room exploded in protest and concern. Elena lifted her eyes to Julian’s face. He was glaring at the door with such rage that she wondered if he thought it might burst into flames.

* * *

Joshua compressed a chord on the piano, then he stretched out his fingers and played the melody of the tune he was working out in his head. He hadn’t begun to write it down yet, but it was nagging at his consciousness. He could feel the tension in his shoulders slowly abating as he played, lulling him into that delicious feeling of creative calm. Closing his eyes, he let the melody wash over him, his fingers gliding over the keys.

He wasn’t sure how many minutes passed, but gradually he became aware of another presence. He opened his eyes and saw Michael leaning against the piano.

Joshua’s fingers grew still on the keys and the hum of the notes drifted into silence.

“I like it,” said Michael. “I can already hear the drum part.”

Joshua smiled at him. He especially enjoyed collaborating with Michael. He never wanted to overpower Joshua’s melodies and he always got the mood Joshua was trying to convey.

“Thanks. I’m just trying to get it out of my head right now.”

Michael nodded. “Can I talk to you?”

“Of course. Did you want to go somewhere else?”

“No, here is fine. I just wasn’t sure you wanted to be disturbed when you were composing.”

“You’re not disturbing me. Is the meeting over?”

“About ten minutes ago.”

Joshua draped his leg over the piano bench. “So what’s on your mind?”

Michael rubbed a calloused finger across the edge of the piano. “I wish you’d reconsider this European tour.”

“I see.”

Michael’s eyes actually met Joshua’s. “I don’t want to go any more than you do, but it’s a once in a lifetime opportunity.”

“How do you figure that, Mike? Why can’t it happen next year? Give us a six month break at least.”

Michael grabbed the stool behind him and pulled it close to the piano, straddling it. “What if there isn’t a next year?”

Joshua frowned. “You’re the second person to go all Armageddon on me. What’s this all about? Why are you all so convinced we don’t have a bit longer shelf-life?”

“Because who can know that? Who knows what exciting new band might come along tomorrow with younger musicians?”

“I can. I’ve been in this business for the last decade, Michael. I’m not saying we’ll stay on this ride forever. God knows I don’t even want that, but we’ve got a few good years left. We haven’t even reached saturation yet.”

“I agree,” said Michael, “as long as you’re with us. If we tour Europe without you, the audience won’t respond in the same way. You’re the one who draws them to us.”

Joshua sighed. “Michael, I really wish you wouldn’t keep saying that.”

“Why not?”

“Because it puts a hell of a lot of pressure on me. Besides that, it isn’t entirely true. Sure, you traded on my name, you traded on my past, but if you hadn’t had a solid band and people backing you, we’d have never done anything. A name only goes so far.”

“But you aren’t just a name. You’re our composer and lead singer.”

Joshua gave him a wry look. “Lead singer? You can pick those up in any town. Composer? There are classically trained people all over the country who can pen what I do in an afternoon.” He leaned closer to Michael. “I’m the fad, Mike. I’m the one who will eventually be over, not you. You and the other guys are real musicians. What do you think happens when my looks are gone?”

Michael frowned. “You’re making this crap up.”

Joshua rose to his feet. “I’m not, so let’s stop dancing around the real issue. You want me to make this tour because you know my appeal is going to last only so long. Now that I’m not making movies, my name isn’t as exposed as it was, and people forget. They forget quickly. So, here’s the thing. This European tour is your chance to make something without me, make something lasting and real.”

“Do you want out?”

Joshua ran a hand through his hair. “I don’t think I want out, but I don’t want to go to Europe. I don’t have any time with my daughter as it is and she’s growing up so fast. I can’t afford another six months away from her.”

“Hold on a minute.” Michael held up his hand. “I’m hearing something very different in your tone. You don’t think you want out, but some part of you does, doesn’t it?”

Joshua sighed. “Some part of me wants to get off this ride and be a regular person – a father and a...” Joshua caught himself.

“A what?”

“Just a father,” he added with a non-convincing shrug.

“Are you going to quit on us?”

“No.” He laughed. “Calm down, Michael. I’ve never seen you this forceful before. I don’t intend to quit. I’m just saying that if you all want this European tour, do it? Don’t let me hold you back.”

“You won’t even consider it? Give it a little bit of thought?”

“I don’t think so, Mike.”

Michael shook his head. “Just give it a little thought, all right? Don’t dismiss it out of hand. Call Terry and see if she’s interested in going to Europe for a few months. Maybe she’d agree to take Tiffany.”

Joshua met the drummer’s desperate look. He couldn’t deny that Michael’s insistence on having him part of the band felt good, but he didn’t want to continue the tour. He wanted to go home. He wanted to be with his daughter in the City and he wanted Elena to move in with him. He wanted to live a normal, uncomplicated life at least for a little while. Still, he couldn’t deny the urgency in Michael’s plea.

“I’ll give it some thought,” he offered, then added, “but please don’t get your hopes up.”

Michael clamped a hand on his shoulder. “That’s all that I ask,” he said with a smile.

CHAPTER 11

The doorman pulled open the door of the hotel. Joshua strolled through beside Robert, Dominic trailing behind them. They came up short. The entire band and most of the crew were assembled in the lobby, surrounding a rapidly talking Elliot.

Joshua exchanged a concerned look with Robert as they approached.

“What’s wrong?” asked the keyboardist.

Elliot whipped around. “Elena’s missing.”

Robert’s gaze snapped to Joshua’s face. Joshua felt his heart sink. He should have told Elliot weeks ago, but now nothing would sound right, no matter how he explained it.

“What do you mean she’s missing?” asked Robert.

“I went to ask her to breakfast, but got no response when I knocked. I figured she was in the shower.”

Robert nodded.

“No,” said Elliot, true concern showing in his eyes. “I called the room, then I called her cell phone. When I got no answer on either one, I persuaded a maid to let me in. There’s no sign that she ever came back to the room last night. Nothing.”

A murmur went through the group. Joshua chanced a look at Julian. The assistant manager was scowling.

“How did you get a maid to let you in?” he asked.

“It doesn’t matter. Look, she’s been gone all night. For all we know, she didn’t even make it to her room last night. We’ve got to call her family. See if she contacted them, then call John. If she didn’t call any of them, we’ve got to go to the police. Get me her emergency information, Julian. I need the numbers now.”

Julian rolled his eyes in disgust. “She probably went out early for a run or something.”

“Her bed wasn’t slept in last night.”

Julian reached in his pocket for his phone. “I’m sure there’s a logical explanation.”

“Then why isn’t she answering her cell phone?”

Joshua didn’t know what to do. If he could get Elliot alone, that would be one thing, but the entire Avalanche crew was standing around, obviously concerned about Elena’s safety. There was no way to explain this without looking like a lecherous cad.

“Maybe her phone’s dead,” offered Michael.

“Where did she sleep last night?”

Michael shrugged. Julian began dialing the main Avalanche office. “Did you ask at the desk?”

“Of course I did. I wanted to know if anyone had seen her leave.”

“Hey, Simone, I need you to pull Elena’s emergency information. Yep. No, everything’s fine here. No, don’t worry about it. Yeah, I need her parents’ phone number and her fiance’s. No really, everything’s fine. We just need to contact them. No, don’t worry. Yeah, that’s right. Just those two numbers.”

Elliot started pacing.

“Take this down,” barked Julian at him and Elliot pulled out his own cell phone.

Robert elbowed Joshua in the side, snapping his paralysis.

“3...5...”

“Elliot?” said Joshua.

Elliot waved him off. “3...5...”

“5...” continued Julian.

“Elliot!”

“Wait a minute, Josh,” he said, frantically punching numbers into the phone.

“Elliot, stop!”

Elliot’s head snapped up and his eyes met Joshua’s.

Joshua briefly closed his eyes, then fixed them on his friend. “Elena’s fine.”

“What?”

Joshua glanced around at the staring crowd. He felt like he was going to be sick. “Elena was with me last night.”

Julian threw up his hands and slapped them against his thighs. He snapped his cell phone shut without saying goodbye. Placing his hands on his hips, he glared at Joshua, but Joshua could only see the shock, then hurt that played across his friend’s face.

“She was with you,” said Elliot. “With you?”

“El, I’m sorry.” Joshua reached out for him, but he batted his hand away.

“Save it. You made me a promise.”

“I know, but if you’ll just give me a chance.”

Elliot rounded on him, bristling in fury. “Give you a chance. Ha! I gave you a chance and look what I got.”

“El, you don’t understand.”

“Oh, I understand, all right! You stabbed me in the back.”

“El...”

Elliot gave a sneer of disgust and turned away, pushing through the crowd and storming off across the lobby.

Joshua looked down. The Avalanche roadies started dispersing, muttering to each other. One in particular gave him a virulent look. He felt Robert’s hand on his shoulder.

“You are poison,” said Julian.

Joshua’s gaze lifted to Julian.

“Pure poison.” He also turned and moved away.

Joshua’s eyes shifted to Michael and Ralph. Both were staring at him in a mixture of worry and shock. Joshua didn’t know what to say. There was nothing he could do to make this all right for anyone.

Shaking his head, Michael pushed past Joshua, bumping him deliberately with his shoulder. Joshua let him go. There was no point in trying to vindicate himself now.

* * *

Elena turned as the door opened. The smile dried on her lips as she saw the expression on Joshua’s face. He met her eye, then looked away, moving to the bed and taking a seat. She sat down beside him, knowing instinctively what had happened.

“They know,” she said calmly.

He braced his forearms on his thighs and stared at his hands. “I’m sorry.”

“What happened?”

“Elliot wanted to take you to breakfast. When you didn’t answer at your room or on your cell, he pulled the entire band together.”

Elena closed her eyes.

“You should have seen the look on his face. I had to stop him. They were getting your parents’ phone number to tell them you were missing.”

She reached out and wrapped her arms around him, laying her head against his. “I should have told Elliot myself.”

“No, it was my responsibility. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.”

The cell phone on the night stand started to vibrate. They turned and stared at it. With a sigh, Elena rose and retrieved it, pushing open the cover and placing it against her ear.

Julian’s voice hammered into her head. “I expect you at the meeting in five minute,” he commanded.

“Julian...” she began.

“Tell Ravensong his presence is prohibited.”

“What?”

The line went dead in her hand.

Joshua was watching her with narrowed eyes.

“He ordered me to the morning meeting.”

Joshua nodded. “All right. If he says he’s going to fire you, I’ll tell him I quit.”

“Joshua, he said your presence was prohibited. His words exactly.”

Joshua frowned. “Prohibited?”

Elena shrugged.

“Don’t go. I don’t want you being put up for public humiliation. That’s why he doesn’t want me there. Forget this crap, Elena. He can’t complete this tour without you.”

“I have to go.”

“Why?”

“I have to face whatever he wants to throw at me. I’m not running from someone like Julian. He doesn’t control my personal life.”

Joshua looked away. “I’m sorry, Elena. You warned me, but I wouldn’t listen. I’m so sorry it’s come to this. If I had just listened...”

“You what? Would you take back what we have?” She came to the edge of the bed again. “I was the one who was wrong. I asked you to keep this a secret and it hurt your friendship with Elliot. I should never have done that. No job is worth any of this.” She placed her hands on his shoulders.

He banded her waist with his arms and looked up at her. “Are you sure? You haven’t gone to Julian’s meeting yet.”

She smiled at him and placed her forehead against his. “Nothing he does has any effect on me anymore. All that matters is how right it feels to be here with you.” Lowering her head, she kissed him, slanting her mouth to meet his fully.

He tightened his grip on her, dragging her onto his lap and deepening the kiss.

Elena drew away with a laugh. “You’d better stop. I’ve only got about two minutes left before I get fired.”

“Mmm,” he said, kissing her again. “I wouldn’t want to make you late for that.”

* * *

Elena was surprised at how calm she felt as she entered the conference room. The band was assembled at the table, but none of them would meet her gaze except for Robert. He gave her a tight smile. She returned it, her eyes drifting to Elliot. He was slumped in his chair, a sullen look on his face.

Julian turned from the refreshment table, coffee mug in hand, and surveyed her.

Elena decided to take the offensive. “Listen, Julian, before you begin the meeting, I want you to know that I view my personal life as off-limits in this job and I will not stand for any discussion of it.”

“Fine,” he said. “Take a seat and let’s get started.”

Elena stared at him. She wasn’t sure she’d heard him correctly. The other band members also exchanged surprised looks. Moving forward, Elena pulled out her chair and sank into it. She had gotten herself all worked up to confront Julian, but wasn’t sure what to do with her outrage now that she didn’t need it.

Julian settled his mug on the table, then folded his hands. He made a production out of looking around the table. Again the band members exchanged looks. Finally, Julian blew out his air and leaned back in his seat.

“Obviously, we’ve come to a crossroad and we have to make a decision one way or another. I’ve tried to make this clear to each of you on numerous occasions, but you haven’t wanted to listen to me. Now we have no choice. I see two clear paths before us – one leading us back into obscurity and another leading us to continued success.”

“No journey is without its sacrifices and although we don’t wish to be faced with such choices, sometimes they become unavoidable. You have got to think of Avalanche as a company and make executive decisions about its future without allowing emotion to cloud your judgment.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” snapped Elliot.

Julian reached for his coffee cup and took a deliberate sip, then replaced it, clasping his hands together once more. “Ravensong has got to go.”

Elena had been so wrapped up in her own fate that she hadn’t considered this might be Julian’s move, but it made sense. Why not attack the object of his hate when the rest of the band members were angry at him, especially his staunchest ally, Elliot?

The guitarist immediately lowered his head and glared at the table. The rest of the band made restless adjustments in their seats and stared at one another.

“Hear me out,” said Julian, rising to his feet. “We’ve known our time with him was limited. It was only a matter of time before he did something so self-destructive that we would have to let him go. We’ve all been afraid of finding him passed out with a needle in his arm or putting a gun in his mouth.”

When the others gave grunts of outrage, Julian held up his hands. “I’m just saying what we’ve all thought. Don’t sit here and tell me it hasn’t crossed each of your minds.” He leaned on the table. “I’m not saying he hasn’t brought a lot to this band. I’ll even give him credit for moving us beyond small gigs to what we are today, but his time is over. Honestly, he’s a has-been. Hollywood has lost interest and the music world will follow. You mark my words. He was only interesting when he was a druggy. Now that he’s apparently clean, he’s nothing.”

Elena started to protest, then stopped herself. Joshua didn’t need her to defend him against Julian. What he needed was for the band to realize what he brought to them, and they had to do that on their own. She couldn’t bring them to that understanding.

“I don’t like where this is going, Julian,” said Robert. “This is an underhanded attempt to get rid of someone you personally don’t like.”

“How so, Bob? Because he’s not here? He’s not a partner in the band, is he?”

“I don’t like it because you know what a scene we just had not an hour before. The band members are angry at him, but none of them know the real truth.”

Julian shook his head. “That’s not what this is about at all. In fact, it is simply the thing that convinced me something had to be done. Honestly, are you going to let him dictate to us whether we tour Europe? Are you going to let him stifle us here in the states? He’s never going to change. He’s always going to smile in your face, but stab you in the back the moment you let your guard down.” His eyes fixed on Elena. “I know you don’t want to discuss your personal life, but I sure hope you don’t think this will last. It was only a conquest to show Elliot he could have whatever Elliot wanted. That’s all.”

Elena’s eyes widened. Elliot glanced at her, then glared at Julian.

“That’s not fair,” said Robert, his shoulders squaring with anger. “You don’t know anything about it and it isn’t right to make them both believe something that doesn’t involve you.”

“It does involve me!” shouted Julian, slamming his hand on the table. “This is my livelihood the same as you and I won’t stand around and let some two-bit junkie ruin it for me.”

“How has he ruined anything?” asked Michael.

Julian leaned toward him. “He refused the European tour...”

“None of us were too keen on it either,” said Michael.

“Well, how do you think this latest fiasco is going to play out? Do you want the band to break up over Ravensong’s flavor of the week?”

Michael looked away. Elena knew Julian had just played into the one fear Michael harbored. He was a skilled manipulator, that was certain.

“Do you really believe we’re anything without him, Julian?” said Ralph. For once his demeanor was not sarcastic.

“I think you are the band – the four of you. Ravensong is a novelty…was a novelty. His time is coming to an end.”

“And yet we’re drawing bigger crowds with every concert. How do you explain that?” said Robert, leaning back in his chair.

“Avalanche has made the big time, Bob – Avalanche, not Ravensong.”

“Ravensong is Avalanche,” said Ralph.

Julian’s eyes whipped to his face. “No, he isn’t. They don’t come to see him. They come to see you.”

This was where Ralph usually lapsed into a sarcastic retort, but not this time. He leaned forward on the table and glared at Julian. “You aren’t that stupid. Why do you say such stupid things? Avalanche was nothing before Joshua and it’ll be nothing after him. I agree with Bob. This whole meeting sucks. I hate the whole thing.”

Julian didn’t answer for a moment, simply stared at Ralph. Elena realized she was holding her breath. She wondered which hand Julian would play next. His eyes moved around the table to Elliot.

“Is that right, Elliot? Is Avalanche just the backup band for a two-bit junkie and whore-monger?”

Elliot shot to his feet, startling everyone. He whipped away from the table, knocking over his chair, and moved to the windows, looking out onto the street. Elena studied the tight angle of his back, then shifted in her chair and gave Julian a cold stare.

“If you call him a junkie or any other names again, I will walk out of here and never return. I told you my personal life was off limits. Since that now involves Joshua, his personal life is also banned. Do not bring it up again.”

Julian gave her a chilling smile. “Fine, you win, but that doesn’t change my position. Ravensong has driven the band apart. He is the cause and therefore, he’s the one that must go.”

Michael shut his eyes and heaved a weary sigh. Robert and Ralph exchanged disgusted looks. Only Elliot gave no indication as to what he was thinking. Elena felt sick inside, and responsible. She’d made Joshua keep this secret just to protect her job. She needed Elliot to know that. She needed a chance to talk to him before this went any farther.

“I say we take a vote,” said Julian, interrupting her thoughts. “We’ll vote on it and the majority will prevail.” His gaze shifted to Elena. “Obviously, you will have to abstain since you’re so intimately involved in this.”

“So is Elliot,” snapped Ralph. “Are you going to eliminate him?”

“Only those sharing a bed with the man in question. That’s a lot more intimate than anyone else, Ralph.”

Ralph shook his head and looked away.

Robert’s fingers drummed on the table. “This is a hell of a time to do this, Julian.” His gaze narrowed on the manager. “But I suspect you know that.”

“I’m acting in the best interest of the band. That’s all I’m doing, Bob.”

“Not by a long shot,” returned the keyboardist. “If so, you’d wait for this to blow over. This is low, Julian. Even for you.”

Julian shrugged. “You still have a vote, my friend. Use it wisely.” He extended his arms. “Let’s not discuss this anymore. I vote that Ravensong quit the band immediately. Robert?”

“No,” he answered, glaring at Julian.

“Ralph?”

“No,” said Ralph without hesitation.

“Fine. Michael?”

Michael squirmed in his seat. “I don’t like this, Julian. It doesn’t feel right. I don’t want to be part of this.”

“God’s blood, grow a pair, Michael. Shit. Why can’t you ever make up your mind?”

Michael shrank in on himself.

“Back off, Julian,” snapped Ralph.

“Just make a decision, Michael,” Julian persisted. “Yes or no.”

“I’m not going to vote. I won’t be a part of this. It’s wrong. It’s always been wrong. How can you use Joshua the way you do, but never give him a voting role in the band?”

“That isn’t up for discussion. He’s not a voting member. He’s not a co-owner, but you are. As a co-owner, you have an obligation to help us make this decision. Vote, damn it.”

“No, I won’t.”

Julian raked a hand through his hair. “Fine. Don’t vote, you spineless prick, but you’re going to be the tie-breaker. If you refuse, then I get a second vote in lieu of David’s absence.” The others started to protest, but Julian held up a hand. “I gave him a choice. This has to be decided today. He can either act like a man and vote, or I make the decision.”

They continued to mutter, but Julian turned to Elliot.

“Your turn. How do you vote? Does Ravensong go or stay?”

Elliot looked over his shoulder. His eyes made a circuit of the table, glancing briefly at Elena, then sliding away.

“You don’t have to do this right now, El,” said Robert.

Elliot made a scoffing noise. “Like you didn’t have to tell me what you obviously knew? Some friend you are, Bob.”

“It wasn’t like that, El…” began Robert, but Elliot looked away from him.

Elena felt her heart sink. Elliot was too hurt at the moment to think this through clearly. Julian had planned it all so perfectly, as if he knew the outcome of this game.

“Well, Elliot? Stay or go? Cast your vote?”

“Elliot…” began Robert.

Elliot shot him a furious look, then faced Julian. “Stay,” he said, then strode for the door.

* * *

Joshua paused on the edge of the stage and watched Elliot trying to tune his guitar. Elliot was frowning in annoyance. He hated to spend the time it took to really get each string in key. He had too volatile a personality for such fine, aggravating work.

Joshua moved onto the stage. “I’ll tune it,” he offered.

Elliot didn’t even look up at him. “Go to hell,” he muttered under his breath.

Joshua came to halt, stunned. Elliot had never talked to him like that before. “El, listen to me.”

Elliot’s head snapped up and fixed on Joshua’s face. “Nothing you say will ever make this okay. We’re done.”

“I see.”

“No, you don’t see anything. Was it just because I wanted her? Did you really have to show me that I couldn’t compete? I knew that already. You didn’t have to prove it to me.” His features contorted. “Was it worth it? Really, was it worth the loss of our friendship, the breakup of the band? Was it worth it just to show me?”

Joshua drew a deep breath and exhaled. “I love her, El,” he said.

Elliot blink in surprise and his hands tightened on the guitar. “What?”

“You heard me. I didn’t want to hurt our friendship, I didn’t want to break up the band. I should have told you, but it didn’t have anything else to do with you. It had to do with me and her. I love her and I’m not going to apologize for that.”

Without another word, Joshua turned on his heel and left the stage.

* * *

Standing in the wings, watching Rage perform, Joshua couldn’t deny his shoulders tensed whenever the crowd surged toward the stage. Once or twice a fan had climbed onto the stage in a past concert, but never like the show where he’d been knocked to the ground. His memory of the event was hazy. The doctor said concussions sometimes caused memory loss, but he could clearly recall the moment before they made it to the stage.

It had been a moment of surreal clarity. Bodies writhing, swarming, then colliding. He’d felt their hands on him, tearing at his clothes, reaching for his hair. Somewhere in his mind, he’d known he should try to stay on his feet, but the weight of them had forced him back and then his shoes had slipped on the stage.

He tried to twist and break his fall, but he’d smacked his head on the edge of Michael’s elevated platform and beyond that everything had become unclear. Except one thing. Elliot’s voice in his ear, Elliot’s shoulder bracing him, Elliot’s strength pushing through the crowd. Elliot.

Closing his eyes, he breathed deeply. He hated the rift between him and Elliot. He didn’t count many people as friends, but Elliot had been one, closer even. Elliot was family. And Joshua didn’t know how to fix it. He wasn’t going to give up Elena and he wasn’t going to apologize for their relationship. He couldn’t even tell Elliot that he’d kept the secret because of her job. He wouldn’t put any of the blame on her, but still, it was hard to see Elliot everyday and not be able to talk with him as he had in the past.

Joshua opened his eyes as Rage took their final bow and the lights went out on the stage. The band members crowded into the wings around him, laughing and joking in an adrenaline rush. The crowd was chanting, demanding an encore.

“Man, that’s wild,” said Evan, throwing his arm around Joshua’s shoulder. “Better than any drug.”

Joshua offered him a half-hearted smile.

The cacophony grew. People stomped their feet, shouted, clapped their hands together. Joshua understood what Evan was feeling. He’d felt it so many times before. It was intoxicating to have your name chanted by thousands of people, and yet, he found himself shifting uneasily.

The other band members started moving toward the stage and the house lights came up. Evan turned to Joshua. “Do the encore with us. You can use my guitar.”

Joshua shook his head, panic suddenly filling him.

“Come on. Give them a treat. They’ll go crazy!”

Joshua glanced over his shoulder at the Avalanche band members. They were sitting around the backstage area, watching him. He couldn’t read their expressions, but he didn’t think they’d appreciate him playing for another band right now when their band was in jeopardy.

“Not a good idea, Evan,” he said, nodding at Avalanche.

Evan studied them also. “I guess you’re right,” he said. Then he slapped Joshua on the shoulder and stepped into the spotlight.

Joshua shifted so he could watch the crowd. They were moving in abandon, waving their arms in the air, and bopping to the pulsing thrum of Rage’s sound.

“It’s got to make you think,” came a voice behind him.

Joshua tensed, his jaw clenching.

“The music makes them act like animals. Look at them, they don’t even know where they are.”

Joshua wasn’t going to turn and give Julian the satisfaction of knowing he could hear him.

“One moment they’re civilized, the next, they’re like sharks who’ve smelt blood. And once they’ve got a taste for human flesh, they will take any opportunity that presents itself to devour you.”

Joshua could feel a cold sweat breaking out across his forehead and he clenched his hands to stop their trembling. God, he didn’t want Julian to know what he was doing to him.

“They say they love you. They worship you like a god, but given the chance, they’ll tear you apart. Isn’t that how it is, they all want a part of you, just a small part? They take and take and soon nothing is left.”

Joshua realized he was starting to breathe faster. He had to slow his heart rate.

“God, look at them, just look. Any opening and they’ll be up there on the stage, and they won’t care who they take out. Remember…remember what it felt like. Their hands tearing at you, trying to get a piece, their bodies smothering you…”

Joshua whipped away, knocking Julian back. The other Avalanche members were a blur as he headed for the bathroom. Dominic’s voice buzzed in his head, but he slammed the door shut behind him and fumbled to lock it.

Moving to the sink, he turned the handle on the cold water as far as he could, watching the water pour into the bowl, then he thrust his hands into it and filled them, bending to throw it into his face. The cold startled him and he gasped, but he cupped some more and washed his face with it.

His hands were trembling as he turned off the nozzle, his legs weak beneath him. He leaned on the wall beside the sink and slid down until he was sitting on the floor. Letting his hands dangle over his knees, he stared at the scars on his wrist.

Why had he let Julian unsettle him like that? He knew Julian had achieved exactly what he wanted.

A loud knock on the door startled him and set his heart to pounding again.

“You okay, man,” shouted Dominic.

Joshua expelled his held breath and let his head fall back against the tiled wall. “I’m fine.”

“You sure.”

“Yeah, I’ll be out in a minute. I just need a little time.”

“Okay, but Rage is done and they’re setting up the stage right now.”

“Got it,” said Joshua, fighting annoyance. “I’ll be out in a minute, please.”

Dominic didn’t answer for a moment. Joshua knew he’d do one of two things: guard his privacy or break the door in.

“You got five, man,” came the answer.

Joshua gave a miserable bark of laughter, then lowered his head in his hands and closed his eyes again.

* * *

Elena looked up as Joshua entered the backstage party. He stumbled to a halt, clearly surprised by all of the people Julian had invited. His hair was still damp from his shower and his face looked tired and drawn. Elena felt a wave of concern wash over her.

She rose to her feet and wound her way through the people. No one seemed too interested in her, letting her pass without a problem. She hoped she could make it to Joshua before they became aware of him. He wouldn’t be so anonymous.

His eyes fixed on her and he reached for her elbow. She moved close in against his side so she could talk to him over the loud voices. Avalanche music pulsated in the background, Joshua’s sultry voice weaving among the swaying bodies.

“What the hell is this?” he said, shifting his gaze to the crowded room.

She shrugged. “Julian’s doing. He must have given out three times as many backstage passes as usual.”

Joshua’s jaw clenched.

“Are you all right?” she asked.

He nodded, still staring at the moving bodies.

“Joshua, what’s going on? You’ve been acting different all night. What did Julian say to you before the concert?”

He pulled his gaze from the room and refocused on her. “Nothing. I’m fine.” His voice didn’t sound convincing. Elena grew more concerned.

“I saw him talking to you and then you went into the bathroom.”

Joshua sighed. “Elena, I’m fine. He didn’t say anything or if he did, I didn’t hear him.”

Elena knew he was lying, but she didn’t feel secure enough in their relationship to press him any further. She wanted trust between them. With both of their pasts, it was essential. “Do you want a drink?”

He hesitated, his eyes moving out into the room again. A frown appeared on his brow. “I think I’ll just take the limo back to the hotel.” He looked at her again. “Do you mind?”

“No, of course not. Do you want me to come with you?”

He fingered a curl. “No, stay and enjoy yourself. I might tinker on Bobbie’s keyboard for a little while, jot down some notes, then probably go to sleep. I’m tired.”

She tried to still the anxiety his words provoked. Trust was so difficult for her. “Take Dominic with you.”

“Of course,” he said, then he forced a smile. It didn’t reach his eyes. “Don’t look so worried. Really, I’m fine. Just tired. Besides, I don’t feel too welcome at the moment.” He nodded at the other Avalanche members.

Elena glanced over at them. He did have a point. This reason eased some of the stifling worry inside of her. “I understand,” she said, then wrapped her arms around him and held him close for a moment.

He returned the embrace without hesitation, holding her tighter than she expected. Finally he let her go and lowered his head to press his lips to hers. He kissed her breathless, then released her. “Wake me up when you get back,” he said, giving her a wink. The gesture was so Ravensong that Elena felt the last of her concern slide away.

He slipped out the door and Elena caught a glimpse of Dominic looming in the background, waiting for him.

“Where the hell is he going?” said Julian behind her.

She turned, hoping to block him from going after Joshua. “Back to the hotel. He’s exhausted.”

Julian narrowed his eyes on the door. “I have people that want to meet him.”

“I’m sorry,” she answered.

Julian glared at her. “He’s acting so strange. Is he using again?”

Elena’s temper snapped. “You have such a hateful streak in you. Why?”

He gave her a slow, wicked smile. “Me, not at all. I’m just looking out for my investment. Be assured – that’s all Joshua Ravensong is to me. I have no other feelings about him whatsoever.”

“Oh yes, that’s obvious,” Elena remarked, her voice dripping with sarcasm.

Julian’s brows rose in surprise, but he gave no other expression away. Taking her elbow, he steered her into the room. “You’ll have to kiss ass in his place. I have some investors who are interested in backing a European tour.”

For the next few hours, Elena was handed from one obligatory conversation to the next. The faces and names blurred after awhile, there were so many of them. Finally she slipped away, moving to the darker corners of the room where she hoped Julian wouldn’t think to look for her.

Oddly enough, she found Elliot sitting on a couch, nursing a beer. She hesitated a moment, not wanting to face the situation, but he seemed so lonely sitting by himself that she felt a stab of guilt.

Crossing to his side, she sank down on the couch. He didn’t even acknowledge her presence, taking a sip of his beer, then staring at it where it rested against his knee.

“I’m not real good company right now,” he muttered.

Elena leaned back on the sofa and stretched out her legs, sliding her shoes off her sore feet. “I’m not really looking for company anyway.” She studied the people all around, lost in their own worlds of conversation and booze, blocking out the other conversations that went on around them.

“How’d you get away from Julian?”

“Just walked away,” she said without looking at him.

Elliot took another sip. “You sure jump when he commands. And you don’t even look sick about it.”

Elena shifted on the couch and gave him a severe look. “I’m not your enemy, Elliot, so don’t pick a fight with me.”

“I’m just saying that you go to great lengths to smooth Julian’s way. I thought you had more fight in you than that.”

“Well, then I guess we’re both disappointed in each other,” she said, turning away.

Elliot was silent for a moment, then he took another sip. “What the hell did that mean? What did I do to disappoint you?”

She closed her eyes and sighed wearily. “Nothing. I just thought you were a more loyal friend than you are.”

“That’s pretty low, lady. I wasn’t the one that betrayed the friendship. Or isn’t Joshua held to the same standard?” He gave a snort of bitter laughter. “Of course not. Not the perfect Joshua Ravensong. After all, we’re all here for him. He’s the true star and we’re all orbiting in his gravity. Sorry, I forgot.”

She turned on the sofa and braced her elbow on the back of it, resting her head against her hand. “Joshua didn’t tell you because of me,” she said calmly. “I asked him to keep it a secret because I was afraid I would lose my job if anyone knew.” She rubbed at her temples, realizing a headache was beginning. “If you want to blame someone, blame me. Joshua was only trying to protect me.”

Elliot studied her in silence, then drank from his beer. He snorted again. “Well, here’s what you don’t get – he could have told me anything. I would never have let anything slip, but he didn’t. He kept it to himself, so don’t school me on loyalty when he never had an ounce of it himself.”

“Elliot, you just don’t understand. Neither one of us knew what was happening and we were both terrified… still are, truth be known. We aren’t any good at relationships, neither one of us, and we aren’t even sure we can make this work. And yet we couldn’t stop seeing each other. Your feelings got hurt, but you and I were always friends, nothing more. I didn’t make any promises to you or encourage you in any way. You had no reason to believe there was anything more between us than friendship. The first time I saw Joshua, I was smitten. I can’t help that, anymore than I can help what happened. To give up your friendship over something that would never have happened between you and me is stupid, Elliot. Just plain stupid.” She took a breath and rose to her feet. “But obviously that is something you’ll have to make peace with on your own. Good night, El. I wish you an unblemished rest tonight.”

With that she walked away without waiting for a response.

CHAPTER 12

Elena slammed the paper down on the table, turning to stare out of the window. She didn’t see anything but the words super-imposed on the glass in front of her.

Avalanche’s Troubled Lead Singer in Trouble Again?

The pulse of angry blood in her temples made her headache worse. Bloody hell, she knew who was behind this latest attack, but was Julian spurring these rumors for publicity or to hurt Joshua? Worse still was the quote from the unnamed roadie. She knew exactly who that roadie was. There were becoming too many snakes in the grass to keep track of, she thought.

The handle turned on the bathroom door. Elena grabbed the paper and folded it, hiding the article. Joshua didn’t need anything else to worry him. With Elliot’s continued distance and whatever else was bothering him, Elena was concerned that he might worry himself into an illness before the tour ended. He wasn’t eating much and his sleep was constantly disturbed.

She wasn’t sleeping much better. Whenever Joshua got up in the middle of the night, she was wide awake beside him. He wouldn’t tell her what was bothering him, he kept saying it was nothing, but she didn’t know how much more of his secrecy she could take.

She didn’t think he was keeping anything big from her, nothing as big as this slanderous article suggested, but something was gnawing away at him and his lack of foreclosure only fueled her own insecurity.

He halted and met her gaze, lowering his towel. She realized she was staring at him. “Something wrong?” he asked.

She forced a smile and shook her head. Glancing at her watch, she rose to her feet. “I’d better get to the morning meeting.”

He started drying his hair again. “That’s something I don’t miss.” He moved to the table and reached for the paper. “The review in here?”

She pulled it away as she moved toward him. Kissing him, she shook her head. “No. I’ll just throw it in the recycle bin on the way out.”

Joshua gave her an odd look. She knew she was acting strangely, but she really didn’t want him to see the article. “Okay,” he said. “I’m gonna head over to the stadium for sound-check then.”

“Meet you there,” she replied with forced brightness, then hurried to the door and opened it.

“Elena?”

Glancing back over her shoulder, she tightened her hand on the paper. “What?”

“You okay?”

“Of course,” she laughed. “Just late. I don’t want to hear about it from Julian.”

He nodded, but she knew he wasn’t convinced. He’d probably have Dominic bring him a paper the moment she closed the door. Ah well, she’d tried to protect him.

She rehearsed what she would say to Julian during the elevator ride to the first floor. She wanted to confront him in front of the rest of the band. She wanted them to see what he was capable of doing, especially Elliot, but the moment she entered the room, her plan faded into the background.

Julian was handing out a multi-page document. “This is the preliminary contract for a five country tour. I’ve included dates and locations. Once I have a signed copy, I’ll fax it to the office and have them find out what official documents we need.”

Robert let the papers rifle through his fingers. “This sounds like you’ve already booked us?”

“Like I said, this is the preliminary contract, but the reps in Europe want to start promoting the tour.” He glanced up at Elena and threw another copy of the contract toward the end of the table. “You’re late.”

Elena’s fingers tightened around the newspaper as she moved toward the contract.

“Joshua said he wasn’t doing a European tour,” offered Ralph.

“Right,” muttered Julian, putting his glasses on and turning a page. “Obviously, your signatures go on the final page, we’ll use my copy for that, and I’ve had Risk Management review it in full. Everything’s in order.”

“Except the fact that Joshua doesn’t want to do a tour,” Ralph persisted.

Julian glanced up, then slowly removed his glasses. “I know that.”

“But you went ahead and booked him on a tour?” questioned Robert.

“Not at all. I booked Avalanche.”

The four band members exchanged looks. Elena placed the newspaper on the table and took a seat, picking up the contract. She was so angry that it was hard for her to decipher the legal text.

“What exactly does that mean?” demanded Robert.

“It means,” said Julian, speaking as if Robert were a child, “that we’re short a lead singer, unless one of you wants to take over that job. Otherwise, we’ll have to hold auditions. With that in mind, I arranged to do exactly that when we reach New Jersey next week.”

“You did what?” asked Ralph.

Julian gave them his bewildered look. He always used it when he was trying to point out that their questions were ridiculous and unnecessary. “I think I was clear, wasn’t I?” He turned to Elliot.

Elliot frowned at him. “You arranged auditions without asking us?”

“Yes.”

“We all voted for Ravensong to stay in the band. How could you arrange anything like that without our consent?”

Julian made a noise of disparagement. “He’s still in the band, he’s just in the American version of the band. We’ll have to have another lead singer for the European leg of the tour.”

“We didn’t agree to that,” pressed Elliot.

Julian held out his arms. “I don’t see what the problem is. We all want to do the tour, Ravensong doesn’t. Simple solution. Replace him.”

“You intended that all along, didn’t you?” asked Robert.

“Not at all. I’m just being the logical one. This is a business, Bobby, and if people won’t work, that doesn’t mean the business ends. You hire someone who wants to work and you move on. There doesn’t need to be any emotional attachment to it. Really, there doesn’t.”

“And if they won’t move on, you slander them,” said Elena, shoving the newspaper article into the middle of the table.

Robert reached for it and quickly scanned the type. Then his eyes shot to Julian’s face. “You did this?”

“Did what?”

“Read it, Bobby,” demanded Elliot.

“Avalanche’s Troubled Lead Singer in Trouble Again? No one can deny that Joshua Ravensong’s talent and sultry voice are the kingpins to Avalanche’s success, but equally undeniable is his penchant for trouble. Once a well-known drug addict, Joshua Ravensong’s exploits are legendary. Fans and followers have always feared that the handsome head-man for the nation’s number one band might be one concert away from a descent into his past, self-destructive ways. Unfortunately, those fears may be well founded. Recently, a source close to the singer states that after Joshua’s concussion a few weeks ago, his behavior has become erratic. He has fallen out with many of the band members, refused to consider a European tour, and broken off a romance with top model, Megan Wheeler. A recluse by nature, the singer has taken to isolating himself even more. Most troubling is the destruction of his long-time friendship with Elliot Evans, which seems to indicate a deeper problem.” Robert slammed the paper down. “It goes on and on, speculating about Joshua’s drug use.”

“How interesting,” said Julian.

Elena’s eyes whipped to his face. “Interesting? How so? You’re the one that gave the reporter that interview. You did this!”

“Talk about slander, Elena,” he said, feigning shock. “Why in the world would I want to suggest that Joshua was using when I’m trying to promote the band?”

“To force him out,” she said through gritted teeth.

Julian rolled his eyes and looked away. “Always the drama with you. You suit him well.”

The other band members made grunts of disapproval as Elena rose to her feet. “Are you denying you are responsible for this article?”

Julian looked her straight in the eye. “I had nothing to do with it.” When the others seemed to bristle, he added, “That paper is a notorious tabloid. No one believes anything from it.”

“What about his fans, his family…his daughter?” She combed her hair back from her forehead. “I don’t believe you’re innocent. You want Joshua out of the band. You’ve made that clear, and I think you’ll do anything to get what you want.”

Julian’s gaze narrowed. “You’re treading awfully close to insubordination.”

“Really,” she said sarcastically. “Then force me out too.” Tossing the contract into the middle of the table, she headed for the door.

She made it to the elevators, but someone caught her arm and spun her around. She tried to yank away, but the fingers around her elbow tightened, drawing an involuntary cry from her lips.

“Let me go,” she snarled at Julian.

He yanked her close, his jaw tight, his eyes narrowed in fury. “Don’t ever walk away from me again.”

Elena was so angry, she didn’t feel any fear, until she saw the expression on his face. She’d never seen him so enraged before. “Let go of me,” she said, emphasizing each word.

“Are you trying to undermine my authority in the band?”

Elena curled her fingers around his and tried to pry his hand from her arm. He tightened his hold and shook her.

“Answer me!”

She started to threaten him with emasculation if he didn’t release her, but the elevator slid open and Joshua stepped out. He took in the scene, then his shoulders went taut.

“Let her go,” he said in a low, vibrating tone.

Julian released her immediately and took a step back.

“What the hell’s going on?” demanded Joshua.

Elena backed away from the manager and moved to Joshua’s side.

Julian shrugged. “Private discussion. None of your business.”

Elena turned away from Julian and put her hands on Joshua’s chest. He glanced at her, but his gaze immediately snapped back to Julian. “Let’s get out of here,” she said to Joshua, moving closer to him. “Right now. Pack up and catch the next flight out.”

She caught the look of surprise that washed over Julian’s face. “Hold on a minute…”

She ignored him. “Joshua,” she said, touching his cheek. “Let’s go home. Let’s go through with our plans, now, not later. I don’t want to be a part of this life anymore. None of it’s real. It’s all fake, all phony, all lies.” She shot the last part over her shoulder.

Julian sucked in air.

Joshua’s attention shifted to Elena. “What’s going on?” he said.

“Nothing, I’m just tired of this. I’m tired of this life. Let’s go home. Today. Please.”

He started to answer, clearly bewildered, but Julian interrupted him.

“Is that what you want, Joshua? You want to leave the tour, disappoint the fans?”

Joshua’s gaze drifted away.

“Really, Joshua? You’d disappoint fans who have waited years to see you perform? Fans who’ve driven miles and miles out of the way? Fans who have saved for months just for this chance? Will you really let them down?”

Elena curled her fingers in his shirt. “Don’t listen to him, please. He’s manipulating you. Let’s go home.”

“These are fans who stood by you. Fans who never judged you. Even after rehab, even after suicide attempts, Joshua, they were there. They made you famous again. They forgave you. Can you really let them down?”

Joshua’s eyes rose and fixed on Julian’s face. Elena knew she’d lost the battle then. She could feel it shift away from her and she hated Julian for it. When Joshua turned to her, his eyes were pleading.

“I can’t leave, Elena,” he whispered. “I made a promise. I can’t back out now.”

“He’s lying to you. He’s telling reporters lies about your sobriety. He’s making plans for a European tour without you.” She motioned at the conference room. “Joshua, he’s got auditions lined up in New Jersey for a new lead singer to take the band to Europe.”

“I don’t care about any of that…”

“But I do. I can’t work for a man who does such things.”

Joshua’s head came up in surprise, then he sighed. “I understand.” She frowned at him, but he lifted his hands and cupped her shoulders. “I don’t want you to have to work for such a man. I understand if you want to go home.” He hesitated and his grip tightened. “But I have to stay. I have to finish this tour.”

Elena’s eyes searched his face and her hatred for Julian simmered to a boil. She felt as if she were losing Joshua, right now, right here. He wouldn’t ask her to stay, but if she left, things would change between them. Julian would win. Somehow she knew that, somehow she knew that if she left him now, Julian would succeed at driving him from the band, or worse. The worse worried her more deeply.

She closed her eyes, then nodded. Pulling away from Joshua, she moved in front of Julian and met his look. Lifting her chin, she stared him down, forcing him to focus on a spot somewhere over her left shoulder.

“I quit,” she said.

His eyes whipped back to her face and widened in surprise.

“I won’t work for a man like you,” she continued. Then she gave him a cold smile. “But don’t think you’ve won. I have enough salary coming to me to continue the tour.”

When Julian blinked in surprise, she nodded. “That’s right. I’m not going home. I’m staying here with Joshua. And believe me when I tell you, I’ll be watching you – every move, every word, every gesture. I won’t let anything get beyond my attention.”

Julian’s jaw tensed, but he forced a cold smile in return. His eyes lifted and fixed on Joshua. “As if I cared,” he said.

* * *

Joshua sat in a chair at the rear of the conference room, watching Julian’s auditions for his replacement. He had to admit he found the whole spectacle amusing, and just a little gratifying.

At least five hundred perspective candidates had shown up for the audition. The rest of the band refused to participate in the selection, Elena quit, and the new assistant Julian hired was fresh out of college and too green to trust alone with so many hopeful singers, which meant that Julian had to vet every one of them. Some sang reasonably well, but most were more interested in the head-banging, frenetic sound that they hoped disguised a poor singing voice.

Joshua hadn’t thought it would be hard to hear his songs sung by someone else, but it was, if mildly so. He had written most of these songs and had put his own unique voice into them. Of course, all of the singers, good and bad, felt the songs needed their own personal touch, which was different from his.

Julian knew he was sitting in the back of the room, but pride had forced him to pretend it didn’t bother him. As each new singer showed he didn’t have that Avalanche feel, Joshua knew his presence rankled more and more.

Right now the microphone was occupied by one of the roadies. Joshua shook his head. The poor fool was trying to play the piano as well. The other roadies were openly laughing at him. Apparently hitting the right key either with his voice or the piano was an unreasonable expectation. Joshua almost felt sorry for him, but this was the same roadie that kept glaring at him whenever Joshua happened to catch his eye. He made Joshua’s skin crawl and he wasn’t sure he even knew his name.

Then Evan stormed into the room. He stomped up to Julian in loud cowboy boots and blocked his line of sight. The roadie stumbled to a stop and gave Julian a confused look.

“We have a problem,” said Evan.

Julian glanced at him, then tried to look around him at the stage. “Do you mind? I’m a little busy at the moment. Leave a message on my cell and I’ll take care of it tonight before the show.”

“You’ll take care of it now, or there won’t be a show.”

Julian shifted his attention back to Evan. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“Our equipment is lost. The equipment manager can’t even locate the truck on GPS.”

“Well, I’m not the equipment manager. Deal with him.” He nodded at the roadie to continue.

Evan interrupted him. “I’m telling you and I expect you to deal with it.”

“I’m interviewing lead singers right now.”

“For a tour that happens after this one. The contract you signed with Rage said you would provide all roadie assistance, equipment management, and living arrangements, not audition the roadies themselves. Do we really want to discuss contract violation?”

Julian stared at Evan for a long while. Joshua had to suppress a smile. He loved seeing Julian squirm. He’d known the fool would miss all that Elena did for him, but he hadn’t realized how quickly her loss would be felt.

With an exasperated sigh, Julian pushed himself to his feet. “All right, I’m coming.” He turned to his assistant, Brian Green, and motioned toward the stage. “Finish this for me.”

“Finish it?” Brian squeaked.

“Yeah, it’s not brain surgery.”

“I don’t know what you want.”

“Call Elliot and tell him to get his ass down here to help you.”

“I called him when you demanded it hours ago and I told you what he said.”

Joshua swore he saw Julian’s temple throb with fury. His face did twist into a mask of frustration, but he spoke calmly enough. “Tell him I really need his help…”

Brian opened his mouth to protest, but Julian held up a hand. “Uhn Uhn. Don’t say it. Just convince him.”

“And if he won’t?” pressed the kid. Joshua didn’t think he was going to last long with his less than subservient attitude, but Joshua respected him for it.

Julian started to say something, then clenched his fist and shook himself. “Just ask him. Tell him I said please.”

Joshua’s brows rose. Evan was tapping an impatient foot. “My equipment?” he reminded.

“I’m coming,” Julian snapped, starting toward the door in the back of the conference room. As he passed Joshua in his chair, he never once made eye contact, but Evan did and he gave Joshua a wink.

* * *

Joshua was so preoccupied with thinking about the show that he didn’t notice the woman when he walked out of the shower and into the dressing room. She was sitting in the chair before the mirror. Her face was heavily made-up and her hair stiff with hairspray. The clothing she wore revealed more flesh than it hid.

Joshua’s eyes widened in surprise. “Hello?” he said, then glanced at the door.

Why in the world had Dominic allowed this woman past him? Nothing like this had ever happened before.

“Hello, darlin’,” she purred, then stretched languidly.

Joshua dropped his towel on the side table and ran his fingers through his damp hair. “What are you doing here?”

“You invited me.”

Joshua lifted a brow. Even when he’d been free to date whomever he wanted, he’d never invited a groupie back to the dressing room -- not with a world of reporters and retainers waiting outside.

“I don’t believe I did.”

She pursed her lips in a pout. Her lips were as red as blood and glistening. Joshua liked women who looked a bit less artificial. He thought of Elena’s subtle application of make-up. “How could you forget? That really hurts.”

Joshua started toward the door. Why in the world did Dominic allow this woman in here?

From the corner of his eye, Joshua caught the woman rising to her feet and moving toward him. He spun to face her, alarmed first by her presence and second by the way she was behaving. He’d heard all of the stories about celebrities being accosted by less than stable fans.

“Listen,” he said, holding up a hand. She stumbled to a stop on heels that had to be six inches high. “I don’t know who you are, but I didn’t invite you in here.”

“But you did?” she said and gave him a sad look. Reaching into her bra, she started to pull something out. Joshua tensed, but it was only a slip of paper. “See, you sent me this.”

Joshua frowned as she opened the note and held it out to him. Someone had scribbled an invitation on the paper and signed it Joshua Ravensong. The signature looked a lot like his, but he couldn’t have written it. Shaking his head, he took the note from her and studied it. Damn, but it did look a lot like his handwriting, especially the signature. Still, that wasn’t hard to find. Joshua signed so many autographs in a year that anyone could get a hold of one and with computers what they were today...well, he didn’t know enough about them to duplicate something like this, but that didn’t mean it couldn’t be done. But why?

She moved closer to him while he studied the note. He jumped when she pressed herself along the length of him. Taking a step back, he handed her the note again. “Look, there’s been a mistake. I know it looks like my writing, but I didn’t write that.”

“Oh,” she said, giving him that pout again. “This really is sad. I read that article in the paper, but I didn’t believe it.”

“What article?” he asked.

She shifted uncomfortably. “You know, about you and your…well, problems.”

“Problems?”

She shrugged, but canted a look down at his arm.

Joshua sighed. He hadn’t read it, but he could just imagine what it might have said. “Listen, lady…”

“Paula,” she said.

“Paula,” he amended, “I really am sorry for the confusion, but…”

Paula moved closer to him again. “Don’t worry about it, darlin’. I don’t mind. I know it’s hard to remember, but I’ll give you such a night that no matter what you do, you won’t forget me.”

Joshua stumbled back into the door. “No thanks,” he said, fumbling for the doorknob. Where the hell was Dominic? “Really, this is a mistake. See, I’m involved with someone.”

“You can bring her. I don’t mind.”

Joshua gave an anxious bark of laughter. “Yeah, I don’t think that would go over too well.” He finally located the knob and turned it. “Look, Paula, I can get you a cab or better yet, I’ll have one of the limos take you home.”

She pouted yet again. “That’s not at all what I want to do.”

Joshua turned the knob and pulled open the door, bolting out into the hallway. A number of people were milling around – in fact, the whole band, Julian and…Elena were there. Paula bumped him in the back, wrapping her arms around his chest as Joshua made eye contact with Elena. She looked first at him, then her eyes shifted to Paula and narrowed.

Joshua broke Paula’s hold, a little more forcefully than he meant, and closed on Julian. “Where’s Dominic?” he demanded.

Julian gave him a bored look over his glasses, then his eyes also shifted to Paula. “There was a disturbance out back. All security was diverted there. Dominic is securing the limos for us.”

“Why was she allowed into the dressing room?”

Julian smiled. “I am not about to get involved in this.”

“In what?” asked Joshua.

“Who you fool around with is not any of my business. I’ve never gotten involved in that, and I’m sure not going to do it now.”

Joshua didn’t realize how much the whole episode unnerved him, but he grabbed Julian by the collar. The band reacted, moving to intervene, but Joshua wasn’t aware of them.

“What the hell are you playing at?” he shouted, shaking the manager.

Julian held his arms out in a motion of submission. “I didn’t do anything.”

“You let this woman into my dressing room and apparently there’s an article that says I’m using again.”

“Let him go, Josh,” came Robert’s voice at his shoulder.

Julian closed a hand around Joshua’s wrist. “Calm down, all right? I didn’t do anything. I don’t know anything about the woman and I didn’t have anything to do with the article.”

“Let him go,” said Robert, reaching around Joshua and grabbing his wrist too.

Joshua released Julian, then sagged with weariness. “I don’t believe you.”

“I’ve got a note,” came Paula’s voice behind him. “He invited me himself.”

Julian gave Joshua a slow smile. “Well, I guess that clears me of any wrongdoing, doesn’t it?”

Joshua’s hands closed into fists, but Robert had an arm around him, holding him back. “You are a pathetic excuse for a man,” he said.

Julian’s eyes tracked a path over Joshua. “Really? And you’re certainly one to talk.”

Joshua pushed against Robert’s arm. “Let me go, Bobby.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah,” he answered tiredly. “He’s not worth it.”

When Robert released him, Joshua took a deep breath, then brushed by Julian, knocking him with his shoulder. He wanted to explain things to Elena, but he looked so damn guilty right now, he didn’t know what to say to her. And he needed to get out of this building, away from the band. He walked to the exit and pushed it open, not caring who was waiting on the other side.

Dominic stood by one of the limos and hurried to open the door when he saw the look on Joshua’s face. “You okay, Boss?”

“No,” Joshua muttered, then slipped inside. He slouched down on the limo seat and closed his eyes. He heard Dominic climb into the passenger side and shut the door.

“Where to?” he asked.

“I don’t care. Just have him drive.”

He didn’t hear Dominic give the driver any directions, but the limo started moving and Joshua let the motion lull him into a sense of calm.

* * *

Elena sat up when Joshua crept into the room. She could see his silhouette as he sat on the end of the bed and began taking off his shoes. Rolling over, she turned on the lamp and wiped the sleep from her eyes.

She sat and stared at his hunched back for a moment. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” he grunted.

She crawled to the end of the bed and ran her hands up his spine to his shoulders. He smelled of booze and cigarette smoke, but she let go her held breath when he leaned back into her. She wrapped her arms around him and pressed her face against his neck.

“You need a shower,” she whispered, kissing him. He didn’t smell like anyone else’s perfume, and for that she was grateful.

“I know,” he mumbled. She caught just a slight slur to his words.

“How much did you drink?”

“Not as much as Dominic, but he’s still sober.”

She smiled into his hair. “You’re not a drinker.”

“No, I’m a drug addict,” he said bitterly.

She tightened her hold on him and pressed her face deeper into his neck.

“Why didn’t you warn me about the article?”

“I didn’t think you needed any more stress.”

“What else have you kept from me?”

“Nothing.”

He lifted a hand and ran it along her arm. “I haven’t done any drugs since rehab,” he said.

“I know,” she answered.

“And I didn’t invite that woman into my dressing room.”

She lifted her head and pressed her lips against his ear. “I know that too.” She hadn’t needed him to tell her that, but she was glad he had.

“How do you know? She had that damn note with my signature.”

Elena smiled, kissing the side of his face. “Because she wasn’t your type.”

He laughed and some of the worry eased inside of her. “I wanted to punch Julian tonight.”

“I’ve wanted to do that myself sometimes.”

“He’s trying to set me up.”

Elena nodded. “I think so too, but I don’t know how to prove it. He’s a sneaky bastard.”

Joshua ran a hand over his face. “I wish we could go home.”

Elena crawled off the bed and reached for his hand, tugging on it. “Come on. You need a shower.”

He let her pull him to his feet and followed her into the bathroom. She turned on the water as he undressed. When he stepped into the shower, she let her gaze linger on his beautiful body. Slipping her nightgown off, she climbed in after him.

He opened his eyes wide in surprise, then reached for her and pulled her under the spray. Wrapping his arms around her, he buried his face in her hair and held her tight.

Running her hands up his back, she closed her eyes and absorbed the feel of him. God, she loved him, but she just couldn’t tell him that.

“Thank you for believing me,” he whispered.

She lifted his head and placed her lips against his. “Always,” she said, then kissed him wildly.

* * *

The sudden reverberation made Joshua look up. The sound manager shrugged his shoulders and pointed at Julian. Julian strolled to the stage beside an unfamiliar man. Well, unfamiliar wasn’t exactly right. Joshua narrowed his eyes, feeling an odd sensation pool in his stomach. The man looked a lot like he did himself. He glanced at Elliot, who was also looking between Joshua and the newcomer with a frown.

Julian and his companion climbed on the stage and stopped between Elliot and Joshua. “They’re doing a sound check right now,” Julian explained to the man.

Joshua blinked his eyes, not sure he wasn’t seeing things. The man had hair as long as his, done in much the same fashion, although his was a bit more brown than black. His eyes were a hazel color and his features were very similar to Joshua’s own. In fact, they could be brothers if one didn’t know better. The stranger gave Joshua a smile.

“Hi,” he said, moving towards him and holding out his hand.

“Yeah,” said Julian, “this is Ravensong, the man you’ll be replacing.”

Joshua shook hands with his look-alike and glanced at Julian. He didn’t know what he felt about the whole situation. He wasn’t about to agree to this European tour, but it was hard to relinquish control of his music to someone else.

“I’m Lucas,” said the singer, beaming at Joshua and shaking his hand vigorously. “I’m so damn happy to meet you. You’re a living legend, man, a living legend.”

Joshua gave him a forced smile and waited to be released, but Lucas didn’t seem in any hurry.

“Christ,” whistled Ralph at his shoulder. “Did you do this on purpose?” He motioned at Lucas’ clothes and hair.

“Ralph!” snapped Julian, but Lucas didn’t seem upset.

“Damn straight I did. I’ve always been a fan. You can rock the house, man, you can really rock the house. Besides, I figured I stood a better chance if I looked like the real thing, eh?”

Joshua finally managed to free his hand. Ralph draped an arm around Joshua’s shoulder.

“Don’t get carried away. We ain’t heard you sing yet,” said Ralph sharply.

Lucas started to answer, but Julian interrupted him. “You don’t need to hear him. He’s already been hired.”

“What?” said Elliot, moving closer to them.

“I’m happy to sing with you,” offered Lucas, sensing the tension. “In fact, I’d love to sing with you especially.” He shifted his gaze back to Joshua.

Joshua and Ralph exchanged a look.

“You hired him without consulting with the rest of us?” demanded Elliot.

Robert and Michael left their instruments and closed the circle.

“Lucas was the most qualified, knew the most about the band, and had the look. Besides, he’s got a great voice.”

“Well, truth be told” said Lucas, “I knew the most about Ravensong. I’ve studied everything he’s ever done.”

“I’ll bet,” muttered Ralph in Joshua’s ear.

Elliot positioned himself in front of Julian. “We haven’t even signed the contract for the tour yet, let alone agreed to hiring a new singer. We already have a singer.”

Joshua glanced at him in surprise, but he wouldn’t meet Joshua’s look.

“Why do we keep having to repeat this? We don’t have a singer for the European tour…or rather, we didn’t until now.”

Elliot’s eyes widened. “You’re going to pass him off as Ravensong, aren’t you?” He threw a hand in Lucas’ direction.

“Of course not. That would be fraud. It’ll be clear in the programs that Lucas Pratt is the lead singer.”

“Not many people buy the programs. Enough of them will be fooled.”

Julian gave Elliot a moronic look. “We’ll be doing interviews and photo shoots, Elliot. They’ll know it isn’t Ravensong.”

“But until we get over there, you won’t have to say anything. They look enough alike that it won’t be obvious to the booking agents,” said Robert, backing Elliot.

Julian shrugged. “That’s not my problem.”

Joshua felt completely out of place in this conversation. They were discussing him, but no one seemed to care that he was present to hear it. He wanted to sneak away, but Ralph’s arm around his shoulder and Lucas’ focused attention prevented that.

“Let’s just finish the sound check,” he suggested. “We still have a show to do tonight.”

Julian’s attention snapped back to him. “That’s exactly why I brought Lucas out. I thought he might finish the sound check. That way he’ll know how we run it when we’re in Europe.”

Joshua was speechless. He felt Ralph tense and Lucas looked like he’d been slapped, but he didn’t know how the others were reacting. A rush of fury replaced his shock.

He didn’t say anything – he couldn’t. If he did, he’d quit on the spot and he didn’t want to do that without thinking it through. He knew that was what Julian wanted him to do, but he didn’t want to give him that satisfaction.

Shrugging off Ralph’s arm, he shoved between Julian and Lucas, moving to the edge of the stage. He didn’t look back, but he knew Lucas turned immediately to watch him.

“Josh,” came Elliot’s command. Joshua stopped on the first step, his heart leaping into his throat. “I’m sorry, Lucas, but we haven’t agreed to your employment yet. We already have a lead singer to take us through the sound check. The same lead singer who will be singing with us for the foreseeable future. I’m sorry you were misled and I hope you find something that suits you real soon.”

“Elliot!” began Julian.

“I wouldn’t go there right now,” said Robert in a low tone. “Not if you want a concert tonight.”

Julian didn’t answer. Joshua turned around and looked at the band. Lucas shifted uncomfortably, then gave a hesitant nod. Turning on his heel, he headed toward Joshua. When he stopped in front of him, he held out his hand again.

“No hard feelings, right?”

“No,” said Joshua, shaking his hand.

Lucas laughed. “Thought it was too good to be true.”

Joshua gave him a smile. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” he said, finally releasing him. “I got to meet you.” He reached into his pants pocket and pulled out a battered card. “Here’s my number. If you ever want anything, just give it a ring.”

Joshua took the number. “Thanks,” he said, then frowned after him as Lucas bounded off the stage.

When he turned back around, Ralph was shaking his head. “How many phone numbers do you get in a day?” he joked.

Joshua smiled at him and pocketed the number. His eyes drifted to Elliot, hoping to see some break in Elliot’s hostility, but the moment they made contact, Elliot turned away. Joshua hated the stab of pain he felt over Elliot’s rejection.

As he took his place again, he felt Julian’s stare. He met it, forcing Julian to look down, but not before Julian made his hatred startlingly clear.

* * *

Elena hesitated at the top of the arena, squinting to make out the strange scene in the middle of the stage. A man was walking away from the stage and he looked very much like Joshua, if a little taller.

“Hey, Elena.”

Elena glanced down to see Alec sitting a few rows beneath her. “Hey, Alec,” she said, making her way over to him. She hunkered down at his side. “Who’s that?”

Alec made a snort of disgust. “The guy Julian wants to replace Ravensong.”

“What?”

“Yeah. It’s just because of his looks, you know? I tried out for that job, but right in the middle of my audition, Evan barged in and took Julian away.”

Elena was torn between watching the scene on stage and the man beside her. “You auditioned for Joshua’s job?”

“Why not? I told you I could play as good as him. And I sing too. You should have heard me, but Julian didn’t even notice.”

Elena exhaled. Some part of her felt sorry for Alec and his misguided dreams. “Why do you want to be in a rock band, Alec? It’s not as great as it seems.”

“Because I have the talent. I just need the chance to show it to someone.” He shifted in his seat, his expression intense. “You think I want to keep schlepping amplifiers around?”

“No, but there’s other types of work.”

“This is what I’ve always dreamed of, but because I don’t have the looks, I don’t even get a shot. Only guys like Ravensong get noticed.”

Elena touched his arm. “That’s not true, Alec. Looks mean very little in the rock business.”

“Really?” His face twisted into a grimace. “Why do people keep telling that lie? Looks mean everything.” He cocked his head at her. “Why else would you break off an engagement with a doctor for a heroin addict?”

Elena started back in surprise. “That’s none of your business.”

“Hey, you were the one giving out advice. I just said what we both know. You’re not with Ravensong because of his intelligence.”

She rose to her feet and braced her hands on her hips. “Listen here, Alec. You’ve got to stop giving interviews to these tabloid paparazzi. If the guys find out the things you’ve been saying, it might cost you your job.”

“What do I care? This job sucks. I only took it so I could get a chance to show them my talent.”

She softened her expression. He seemed immune to threat, so she needed to try a different approach. “Please don’t give anymore interviews, Alec. Promise me. It can only hurt Joshua and I don’t think you really want to do that.”

Alec scoffed. “Yeah, I’m really worried about him. He doesn’t even know my name. I tried to give him some of my music once. I even put it on the piano for him, but he just set it aside, didn’t even look at it.” He turned away and shook his head. “I don’t owe that junkie anything.”

“Stop saying that!” she snapped.

He gave her a cold smile. “Why? Because it’s true, because we both know that one of these days he’s gonna go back on the junk? Believe me, I can’t wait. Then maybe they’ll give me a real audition.”

She started to tell him exactly what she thought of him, but she hesitated. Somehow he’d gained access to the media. If she alienated him anymore, she feared he’d say more hateful things about Joshua and she didn’t think Julian would be inclined to stop him. Julian certainly wouldn’t be inclined to listen to anything she had to say. Not now.

For the first time since she quit, she regretted it.

CHAPTER 13

The package was waiting for him in the dressing room, sitting in the middle of the table. He glanced behind him at the closing door and caught a glimpse of Dominic taking a seat. He didn’t know why a feeling of anxiety skittered up his spine, but he’d never received a package in the dressing room before.

Crossing to it, he stared down at the address – typed, official, with a postage stamp in the proper upper right hand corner. He didn’t recognize the address, but based on the name of the street, he figured it belonged to the stadium.

He tilted it and looked at the return address. He didn’t recognize the name of the company, an acronym – BPI, but it also looked official. As did the packaging. The box was small, square, and taped along each seam.

He placed it on the table again and backed away from it. Strange things kept showing up in his dressing room and he didn’t understand why. Dominic had been with him since he left the hotel, but he hadn’t been guarding the dressing room. Anyone could have put it in here, anyone at all.

He turned and started for the door, but stopped himself as his fingers closed on the handle. Why was he getting so spooked? He had moved the package all over and nothing had happened. Someone had probably sent him a gift of some kind.

Drawing a deep breath, he released his hold on the knob and returned to the table. Grabbing a pen, he used the tip to slice open the tape and parted the flaps.

A bubble wrapped bundle dropped into his hands. It didn’t weigh anything and he stared at it in confusion. Placing it on the table, he tilted the box toward him and looked inside, certain he would find a packing slip.

The box was empty.

Reaching for the bubble wrap, he tore the tape off and pulled it apart. Staring down at the object in his hands, he let it fall to the table and stepped away from it. In the middle of the bubble wrap was a syringe.

He took another step back and his thigh hit the edge of a chair. Sinking down into it, he couldn’t take his eyes off the syringe. The roar of blood in his ears deafened him and black spots danced before his eyes.

He realized he was panting and tried to slow his breathing, but a cold sweat broke out over his skin. A strange metallic taste filled his mouth and he realized his hands were shaking as he closed them over his knees.

Forcing his eyes to close, he again tried to calm his breathing. Okay, think, Joshua. The syringe is new. The cap is still in place and there’s nothing in the tube. It’s just a prank – just a sick, demented prank someone’s playing on you.

Leaning forward, he covered his face with his hands and lowered his head. The position eased some of the black spots dancing in his line of sight, but every nerve tingled along the length of his arms and legs.

Who would send something like this? Julian was the first that came to mind, but that wasn’t being fair. There had been the magazine article questioning his sobriety. Thousands of people had read it. Any one of them might be capable of playing a sick joke.

He chanced a peek at it through his fingers. Strange that something so small could make him panic so, but he remembered…he remembered how it felt to slide that needle into a vein and fill it with sweet oblivion. If he tried hard enough he could catch a trace of that feeling even now, even after so many years.

He jumped when the knock came at the door behind him. Lunging forward, he threw the bubble wrap over the syringe and cringed.

“Five minute warning, boss,” shouted Dominic.

“Shit,” Joshua swore, his fingers tightening over the package.

“Boss?”

“Y-yeah,” Joshua stuttered. His voice sounded frantic to his own ears. Grabbing the bubble wrap and syringe both, he stumbled into the bathroom and threw up the toilet seat, then he shook the syringe into the toilet, but rather than flushing it down, he stood staring at it.

Such a small thing. Such an unimportant thing, really. For some it was a life-giver – for him, death, enslavement, oblivion – sweet, sweet oblivion. No worries, no pain, no suffering, just oblivion. When he used, nothing else mattered, no one mattered, just the drug, just the high.

“Boss!”

Joshua dove for the handle and depressed it. The toilet roared to life, swirling water into the bowl, tossing the syringe around and around, until it was sucked down and out of sight.

Joshua slumped back against the wall, the bubble wrap forgotten in his hands. He was drenched in sweat and his breathing was too quick. The tips of his fingers still tingled with remembered feeling.

“Josh?”

Dominic appeared in the doorway, his face contracted with concern. Joshua looked up at him, but his eyes immediately returned to the toilet. Dominic closed his hand on his shoulder.

“You sick?”

Joshua tore his eyes from the water in the bowl and blinked at his bodyguard. He couldn’t process Dominic’s question. The blood was still roaring in his ears.

Dominic’s fingers tightened. “Sit down. I’ll get a medic.” He turned to go, but Joshua caught his arm.

“No, wait.” He brushed the sweat from his upper lip. “I’m all right.” He staggered to the sink and turned on the water, then bent over and cupped it in his hands. Bringing it to his face, he closed his eyes and let the coolness of it calm the raging emotions inside of him. Slowly, feeling was returning to his extremities and the black spots were vanishing.

Dominic put a hand on his shoulder. “You don’t look all right.”

Joshua lifted his head and stared at his reflection in the mirror. The pupils of his eyes were dilated. Reaching for the towel, he dried his face and ran it over the back of his neck. He wished he had time to change his shirt, but he’d be sweating again the minute the stage lights fell on him.

“I’m all right, Dominic. Thanks for the concern.”

“What the hell happened?”

Joshua’s eyes went involuntarily to the toilet and he snatched on something Dominic had said himself. “I got sick. Must have eaten something that didn’t agree with me.”

Dominic frowned. “You sure? Why don’t I get the medic to check you out?”

Joshua shook his head. “I’m fine now. Come on. They must have taken the stage already.”

Dominic moved out of the tight bathroom. Joshua started to follow him, but his eye caught on the bubble wrap. Kicking it behind the toilet, he moved into the dressing room. The box was where he left it. He knocked it off under the table as he and Dominic walked toward the door.

Julian was coming toward them as they entered backstage. He gave Dominic a growl and glared at Joshua, but his expression changed when he saw the look on Joshua’s face.

“What’s wrong?”

Joshua studied him suspiciously, but nothing in Julian’s demeanor suggested anything but concern.

Dominic blocked him from getting any closer to Joshua. “He’s not feeling well. I want the medic to look at him.”

Julian’s attention shifted to Joshua. “What happened?”

“Nothing,” said Joshua, pushing past both of them. “Dominic’s over-reacting. I’m fine.”

“You’re also late. Avalanche is playing an instrumental waiting for you.”

Joshua hurried to the edge of the stage and looked out. The crowd was swaying to the sound of the instruments, rapt with anticipation. He hesitated and glanced at Julian over his shoulder.

“What’s BPI, Julian?”

The manager exchanged a look with Dominic. “How the hell should I know? What’s wrong with you? Did you have a stroke or something?”

Joshua stared at him so long that Julian squirmed. “No,” he said, shaking his head. “I’m fine. Just fine.” He emphasized the last words, then stepped onto the stage and into the spot light.

* * *

Joshua glanced at the concierge from the corner of his eye, then pulled out the seat in front of the computer and sank into it. As he reached for the mouse, he was shocked to see his hand trembling. Why the hell was he so anxious? No one would question why he wanted to use the hotel computer. They were available to all of the patrons.

He heard people enter the lobby behind him. Glancing over his shoulder, he marked that they were strangers, then returned his attention to the computer screen. Sliding the cursor to the search engine, he punched in BPI with one finger, then pressed enter.

Two girls behind him giggled and Joshua’s attention was distracted by them. They were staring at him, smiling and elbowing each other. He gave them a ghost of a smile, then shifted his gaze to the concierge. Dominic was upstairs, believing he was lying down for a nap. He’d snuck down to the lobby so he could search the computer alone.

So far there were only two girls here, but if there were more, he might be in trouble. He would never forget how they had torn into him during the concert, all to get a piece of him, not out of any real intent to hurt him.

The concierge was busy typing something on his own computer and didn’t seem to be aware of the attention Joshua was drawing. Glancing at the girls again, he noticed they seemed content to stare at him, nothing more. He forced himself to relax.

He scanned the options that came up as a result of his search. The first entry made him narrow his eyes. He moved the cursor to it and clicked. A blue and grey screen popped up with the name Bayside Pharmaceutical across the top.

Joshua sat back in his chair and exhaled. Scanning the web page, he located a phone number at the bottom. Reaching for a scrap of paper in his pocket, he looked around the desk for a pen.

“Can we have your autograph?” asked one of the girls.

Joshua took the napkin from her hand and reached for the pen. He glanced at the computer screen. “Sure, if I can borrow this,” he answered.

She giggled with her companion, then nodded.

Joshua wrote BPI’s number on his scrap of paper, then canted a look at the girl. “What’s your name?”

“Melissa,” she said with wide-eyed pleasure, “and this is my cousin, Angie.”

Joshua scribbled a note to Melissa on one side of the napkin and Angie on the other, then he handed both the napkin and the pen back. They huddled over it, but Joshua’s attention was drawn to the area behind them. More people had begun to realize just who he was and were working up the courage to approach him.

“See ya later, girls,” he said, rising and hurrying for the elevators.

“Thanks,” they called to him in chorus as he punched the button.

He glanced over his shoulder, noting that a few people were moving toward him. He punched the button again, feeling a wash of panic. He shouldn’t have taken such a risk. He could have asked Elena to use her laptop, but he hadn’t wanted to get into an explanation with her. Not about this. There was no way he could explain what happened without looking guilty. For some things, there was no innocent until proven guilty clause. For some things there was just the guilt.

The elevator bell chimed and the doors swished open. Joshua didn’t wait for the people to disembark before he pushed between them and moved into the corner of the small chamber. They gave him a dark look before realizing who he was.

“Sorry,” he mouthed, then punched the button for his floor.

As the doors closed, he could see people hurrying toward the elevator and stopping with groans of frustration as he made his escape. He leaned his head back against the mirror and breathed a sigh of relief, then reached into his pocket for the scrap of paper.

He stared at the number as the elevator settled and the doors opened. The hallway to his room was empty. He had no desire to be caught by anyone else, so he hurried down the corridor. Pulling the key card from his back pocket, he placed it in the slot and waited for the light to turn green, then he pushed open the door and stepped inside.

He could hear the shower running, but even so, he walked to the balcony, slid open the door, and stepped out. Closing the door behind him, he walked to the railing and looked down on the city street beneath him as he reached for his cell phone.

He felt guilty hiding this from Elena, but their relationship was still too new for him to take any chances. He didn’t think she believed there was any truth to the magazine article; in fact, she blamed Julian for it as much as he did himself, but if she knew about the syringe, it might be a little harder to ignore.

He punched the telephone number into the display and held it to his ear. It rang three times before someone picked up. Joshua heard the female voice on the other end tell him the name of the company, but he couldn’t answer. He held the phone to his ear and stared at the number in his hand.

“Hello?” she said, sounding annoyed.

“Hi,” he managed to say, then leaned against the rail and stared into the hotel room.

“Can I help you?”

“Uh, yes.” He closed the paper in his fist. “I…uh, received a package from your company yesterday and I was just wondering…” His voice faltered.

“Was the package damaged? If you have it in front of you, would you read the number found on the prescription on the upper right hand side?”

“No, it wasn’t damaged,” said Joshua. “I wanted to know who sent it. There wasn’t a packing slip or anything inside.”

“I see. You want me to tell you who ordered your prescription?”

“It wasn’t exactly a prescription, but yes, I need to know who sent it.”

“Well, sir, it would have to be either you or your doctor.”

“Really? Are you sure?”

She gave an exasperated sigh. “Can you give me the prescription number?”

“It wasn’t a prescription,” Joshua snapped, then closed his eyes and drew a deep breath. “I’m sorry. Can you look it up with my name?”

“I can try.’

“It was sent to Joshua…Joshua Ravensong.”

She fell silent, but Joshua didn’t hear the sound of a keyboard. He waited for a moment, but he was too nervous to wait long.

“Hello?”

“Joshua Ravensong…the Joshua Ravensong?”

“The only one I know,” he answered.

“I’m a huge fan,” she breathed into the phone and now he could hear her nails tapping against the keyboard. “A really huge fan.”

“Thank you,” responded Joshua.

“Why haven’t you done any movies lately? I’ve loved every movie you’ve ever done.”

Joshua wasn’t sure how to answer that. “Ah…”

“I wanted to get tickets to this tour you’re on, but the closest stadium is more than three hours away. That’s a little far for one night, isn’t it?”

“Yeah,” he said, shifting anxiously. “Have you found anything?”

“Hold on a moment. The computer is being really picky today.”

Joshua stared through the glass doors, wishing he could hear if the water had stopped running.

“I guess you must get tired of talking about yourself all of the time, huh? People always asking you questions?”

“Sometimes.”

“Yeah, everyone thinks it would be great to be famous and all, but I guess it wouldn’t be as much fun as…” Her voice trailed away.

“You there?” asked Joshua.

“Yeah, uh, yeah, I’m here.”

“Did you find something?” Her voice didn’t sound as friendly as it had just a moment before. Joshua felt a cold sweat break out across his forehead.

“Look, I need some sort of verification that you are who you say you are? Birthday, anything?”

Joshua frowned. His birthdate was plastered all over the internet, as was much of his personal information – like his past drug addiction. He suddenly understood what had made her cool to him so rapidly.

“Listen, I didn’t order that, if that’s what you’re thinking. That’s why I’m calling you. I need to know who sent it. It was a really dirty prank and I’d like to get to the bottom of it.”

“I’m not here to judge anyone, Mr. Ravensong.”

Joshua closed his eyes. He could see the very next article that was going to hit the tabloids tomorrow. “Please listen to me. I just need to know who sent the package. Can you just give me a name? Someone had to place that order. Please, please tell me who.”

She didn’t answer. The static on the phone sounded deafening to Joshua. He realized he was gripping the receiver until his fingers ached.

“Please…”

“This information is confidential,” she answered.

Yeah, but it would still be all over the newsstands tomorrow. “I understand that. I’m not asking for an address or a credit card number, just the name of the person who placed the order.”

“You.”

Joshua wasn’t sure he heard her correctly. “What?”

“You placed it, Mr. Ravensong, you are the one who called.”

Joshua found himself sitting on the lounge chair. He didn’t remember taking a seat. “I placed it?”

“Yes, sir. Was there a problem with the item?” Joshua could hear the strain in her voice, the note of disapproval. Only moments before she had been gushing over him, now she was distant, cold.

He didn’t answer.

“Mr. Ravensong? Do you want to issue a complaint?”

Joshua stared at the building across from the hotel. He could see people moving around in offices, but it didn’t really register to him. What the hell was happening to him? He knew he hadn’t ordered the syringe, but a sick feeling was worrying in the pit of his stomach. What if he had? He’d had blackouts before.

“Mr. Ravensong” she said sharply in his ear, snapping him back to the present. “Are you still there?”

“Yes,” he answered softly. “Thank you for your help.” He didn’t wait to hear what she said, simply closed the phone and sat, staring at it in his hands.

* * *

He could only open one eye, something had flowed down over the other, blinding him. He tried to lift his hand to brush it away, but his hand wouldn’t respond. He shifted, trying to see what held him, but pain radiated through his body, pain like nothing he’d ever felt before. It stole his breath and made him whimper. He couldn’t believe such a lost and wounded sound had come from him.

“It’s all right,” came a voice in his ear. “We’re getting you out. Don’t try to move.”

“What’s happening?” he heard himself say. It was like trying to speak under water. For some reason his good eye had fallen shut and he tried to force it open, but it was too hard. Red lights played against his eyelids and there was a shrieking noise in his ears.

“You’ve been in a car accident,” came the voice. “They’re going to start cutting you out now. I’ll stay right here with you, so you won’t be alone.”

When he tried to lift his hand again, he felt a pressure against his shoulder. “Don’t move. You might do more damage to yourself.”

Panic overwhelmed the pain. Car accident? What the hell had he hit? He had no memory of even getting in a car. And why couldn’t he see? Or move?

“What did I hit?” he forced out through gritted teeth. The pain was back, making him want to curl into a fetal position, but he couldn’t move.

“Tree. You must have been going pretty fast. The car’s totaled.”

He tried to swallow his panic. “Anyone else hurt?”

“Just you,” said the voice and more pressure was applied to his shoulder. “Please stay still.”

“Why can’t I move? Why can’t I see?”

“You’re pinned behind the steering wheel and there’s blood all over your face. It’s in your eyes.”

Joshua tried to force open his good eye, but all he saw was a blurred nightmare of red, pulsing lights, gyrating through the darkness, and the twisted mass of metal and plastic that molded around his chest like a glove. Another whimper of pain escaped him.

“It’s all right,” said the voice. Another voice spoke quietly to the first and they argued back and forth. Joshua felt the pressure on his shoulder again. “We’re going to start an IV.”

“No,” Joshua said in a strangled voice and tried to pull his arm away. If they rolled up his sleeve, they’d see. They’d know. And once they knew, they’d also know why he’d crashed the car. Then his parents would know…his mother…

“Easy,” came the man’s voice. “We just want to get an IV going in case we need to give you some medication.”

Joshua tried to pull his arm out of their grip. Pain exploded in every nerve ending and he cried out.

“Shit,” muttered the man’s voice. His companion said something in return, but Joshua couldn’t struggle any more. The pain and the terror of his situation caused him to reel toward a black hole from which he knew there was no way to return.

“Joshua!”

Joshua’s eyes snapped open and he jerked into a sitting position. Someone moved away from him, then light flooded the room. Joshua looked around, dazed. He couldn’t remember where he was.

“Joshua.” Someone sat down beside him and placed a hand on his shoulder. “Are you awake?”

Joshua blinked. He was in a hotel room. He lifted a hand and felt his forehead. It was damp with sweat, nothing more. Pushing back the arm of his sweatshirt, he found the inside of his elbow was unblemished.

“Josh.”

He turned and stared at the woman. Elena. The rest of the dream dissipated and he remembered where he was.

“Are you all right?” He could hear the worry in her voice.

He looked around again. He was sitting on the couch in the main room of their suite. He must have fallen asleep here. He remembered being unable to go to sleep in the first place and getting up so he wouldn’t disturb her. Hunching his shoulders, he braced his forehead with his hands.

“Joshua, please answer me.”

“I don’t know,” he whispered. He realized his hands were shaking again. That alarmed him. His hands had shaken a lot when he’d first left rehab, but not since then, not for the last few years.

“Tell me what’s happening.”

Tell her? He didn’t even know himself. “It’s complicated.”

“You were dreaming?”

He nodded.

“Of what?”

“The car accident. Exactly how it was.”

She didn’t answer, but he could feel the pressure of her arm across his shoulders, the weight of her against his back. He took comfort that she wasn’t running away from him. Still, it wasn’t fair to her.

He turned his head so he could peer at her. “Elena, I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“In what way?” she said. She looked so afraid.

“I’m not handling things well. I’m not sleeping, I’m having nightmares. Nothing is feeling right at the moment.”

She nodded, slowly. “I can feel how stressed you are.” Her fingers massaged the tightness in his shoulders.

“I can’t even tell you what’s wrong with me because I don’t know.”

“There’s a lot going on, Josh, not to mention that a tour would be difficult on anyone, with or without Julian.”

He reached for one of her hands and clasped it. “This isn’t the safe, quiet life you wanted with your doctor.”

“Maybe not, but that doesn’t matter. I didn’t really want that life anyway.”

He pressed her hand to his lips. “I want everything to be easy and good between us, though.”

She leaned her forehead against his. “It will be, once we get out of this tour.”

He sighed and let her support his weight for a moment. She wrapped him in her arms and held him tightly.

“Joshua?”

“Hm,” he said, letting himself sink into the comfort she offered.

“You told me once that you saw a psychologist in the past. Would it help to call him or her now?”

“It might if I knew what was getting me so worked up.”

“Julian trying to replace you, getting a concussion, David having a heart attack, Elliot behaving like he is.”

He gave a soft chuckle. “When you put it that way…” He mulled it over for a moment. “I don’t think she can help. I think this is something I have to work out on my own.” He leaned away from her and reached up to touch a curl. “I don’t want to drag you into this with me. If you want to go home, I understand. I haven’t been very good company lately.”

“Do you want me to go away?”

He frowned at her. “No, but…”

“But what?”

“I hate for you to see me being so strange, so scattered and confused and weak.”

She ran her hand through his loose hair. “Joshua Ravensong, I love you and I don’t care what you’re being. I want to be part of your life.”

He recoiled at her words, his eyes widening. He’d expected many things, but that hadn’t been one of them. “What did you say?”

She smiled calmly. He didn’t know how she could be so calm, when his heart had started banging like a drum. “I love you,” she repeated.

He blinked at her, then gave a nervous laugh. “Are you sure about that?”

She laughed in return. “Pretty sure.”

He stared at her in amazement, then rose to his feet and pulled her up with him. “I’ll be damned, woman. That probably wasn’t a wise thing to let happen.”

“Probably not,” she answered, allowing him to pull her against his body. “But then I’ve never done the wise thing.”

His eyes narrowed on her. “Elena, no matter what happens in the next few weeks, you need to know that I love you too.”

She gave a laugh. “Now that sounds ominous.”

He didn’t laugh. “I’ve never loved a woman like I do you,” he answered. “Please, never forget that.”

She wrapped her arms around his neck and studied his face. “Why is it that you’re scaring me more now, when this is just what I’ve wanted to hear?”

He pressed his forehead to hers. “I don’t want to scare you,” he said, then he kissed her, placing all of his feelings into the kiss. When they parted, they were both breathing heavily. Taking her hand, he pulled her toward the bedroom. “Come on. Let’s not talk anymore, let me show you what really matters.”

* * *

“Ravensong, you have a visitor.”

Joshua turned away from the curtain and stared at the man standing next to the stage manager. He hadn’t seen him in many years, but he’d know him anywhere. He was a little older, a little more lined, but he was still handsome.

A sick feeling settled in the pit of Joshua’s stomach. “What the hell are you doing here?”

The man shook his head, then elbowed the stage manager. “Would you look at him? Worthless prick of a kid, but everything’s always landed in his lap. Hell, I’ll bet he shits solid gold.”

Joshua was aware of the other band members staring at him. They were sitting around backstage, waiting for Rage to finish their set. Dominic moved to Joshua’s left side. On his right, he felt Elena wrap her hands around his arm, but Joshua never took his gaze from his father’s face.

“He said he was your father,” remarked the stage manager, looking a little anxious. Obviously Joshua’s reaction wasn’t the one he’d expected.

“How did you get in?” demanded Joshua, ignoring the stage manager.

“Showed them my driver’s license. They saw the family resemblance.”

Joshua could tell he was drunk and his muscles tensed involuntarily.

Ray elbowed the stage manager again. “Can you believe I had to hear about the concert from a neighbor? He came and told me my son was playing the stadium. My son? No matter what you do, you can still draw them like flies to honey, eh? But you can’t get your own father a backstage pass?”

“What do you want?”

Ray smiled. He could be so damn charming when he set his mind to it. “To see my son play to 50,000 people. What more could any father want?” His eyes narrowed. “You look like hell. You using again? I read somewhere that…”

“Shut up!” snapped Joshua.

Ray’s eyes narrowed. “I also want some money. You can give me what you’ve got in your pocket, then write me a check when the concert is finished.” He pretended to look out at the audience. “$50,000 seems fair, a dollar a ticket.”

Joshua moved closer to him. “You can go to hell. I’m not giving you a dime.”

Ray’s face underwent an alarming change, contracting and twisting as rage spiraled through him. He struck Joshua with his fist, knocking him to the ground. The band members surged to their feet and Elena dropped beside Joshua. Grabbing him by his shirt, Dominic shoved Ray into the closest wall.

“Lay a hand on me and I’ll sue,” shouted Ray.

Joshua touched his mouth and winced. Looking at his hand, he wasn’t surprised to find blood on his fingers. Working his tongue around his teeth, he checked for any loose ones.

“What the hell is he doing here?” came Julian’s voice.

Joshua looked up in time to see Julian descending on him. With Elena’s help, he managed to gain his feet. Julian’s eyes widened and he caught Joshua’s chin.

“Shit,” he muttered, turning Joshua so he could look at his face.

Joshua pulled away, but Julian didn’t notice, rounding on Ray where Dominic had him pressed to the wall. “His face is worth a million dollars, you ass, and how is he supposed to sing with a split lip? Who the hell let this bastard in here? I want to know. I’ll have their job!”

The stage manager dropped his gaze, shifting anxiously. “I didn’t know…no one told me…”

“No one told you!” shouted Julian.

“Let it go, Julian. It wasn’t his fault,” said Joshua, taking the tissue Robert handed him. He pressed it to his lip. “Let him go, Dominic.”

The bodyguard looked over his shoulder at Joshua.

“Let him go,” Joshua repeated.

Stadium security had arrived with Julian. They surrounded Ray as Dominic slammed him hard into the wall and released him. He smoothed his clothes and glared at Joshua.

Joshua pulled away from Elena and moved closer to his father. Ray continued to glare at him, daring him with his look to strike him in return.

“Don’t ever come near me again,” Joshua said in a low voice.

Ray gave him a scoffing look, but Joshua glanced at the police officer. “Get him out of here.”

They grabbed Ray’s arms and pulled him toward the exit. As Joshua watched them go, Julian grabbed his arm and spun him to face him. He grabbed Joshua’s chin again, turning him to see the cut.

“Shit,” he said once more. “Get me a medic.”

Joshua pulled away from him and walked toward his dressing room, flanked on either side by Elena and Dominic. Once inside, Joshua leaned against the dressing table, pressing the tissue to his lip. It was still bleeding.

“Do you think he broke your jaw?” said Dominic, his teeth clenched in fury.

Julian had followed them inside and he gave Joshua an alarmed look. He truly seemed concerned the Joshua might really be hurt. Joshua knew he was afraid the concert might have to be canceled and the money returned.

“No,” he said, then glanced at Elena.

She had tears in her eyes. He reached for her hand, but he was distracted by the appearance of Elliot in the doorway. He didn’t come inside, but he stared at Joshua with a worried expression on his face.

“I’m all right,” he told Elena, brushing a tear away.

She nodded, but he could see she was shaken.

“How many times has that bastard done that to you?” asked Dominic angrily.

Joshua shrugged. “A few.”

“He do that when you were a kid?”

Joshua met his bodyguard’s gaze. Slowly he nodded.

Dominic’s hands clenched into fists. Elliot looked like he might be sick.

The medic appeared in the doorway and pushed inside.

“His lip is split. How the hell will he be able to sing without bleeding all over everything?” demanded Julian, looking over the medic’s shoulder.

The man gave Julian a quelling look, forcing Julian to take a step away, then he took Joshua’s chin in his hand and felt along his jaw. “Any loose teeth?”

Joshua shook his head.

“I can put a wound glue on the cut to hold it together. It’s the same stuff they use on athletes so they don’t bleed on the field. It’ll hold until the end of the concert. I don’t think you need stitches.”

Joshua nodded.

“You’re sure it’ll hold? What about swelling?” questioned Julian, hovering again at the medic’s back.

The medic rolled his eyes at Joshua, but spoke to Julian. “It’s gonna swell. He can put ice on it during sets, but there’s no way to stop that. I can only keep it from bleeding.”

“Shit!” said Julian, pacing back and forth across the small room. “A million dollar face…”

“Go ahead,” said Joshua, nodding at the medic.

The man cleaned the cut and then applied the wound glue. “Let it set for a moment.”

Joshua nodded.

“Call me if it breaks open again,” he said, then pushed out of the tight dressing room.

“I want you to press charges,” said Julian.

Joshua frowned. “It’s not worth it.”

“Not worth it? God damn it, your face is worth millions to Avalanche.”

Joshua narrowed his eyes on the manager. Not weeks ago, he’d been trying to replace him. What the hell was this about now? His eyes lifted to Elliot. The guitarist was still staring at him.

“What about a restraining order?” asked Dominic.

Joshua shook his head. “We just need to make it clear to the management that he’s not welcome backstage.” He felt his jaw. It was beginning to swell.

Elena touched his arm. “Joshua, I think you should do something more. They’re right. You need to make sure he’s never able to get near you again.”

He looked into her eyes. Reaching up, he brushed his hand over her cheek. How much longer could she take the train-wreck that was his life? He pulled her into his arms and held her tightly.

“I don’t want to go into a courtroom, Elena,” he whispered into the top of her head. “Please understand.”

She tightened her hold on him and pressed her face into his throat. “Okay,” she said.

Joshua’s eyes lifted to Elliot’s again. Elliot looked down, then turned away and left the dressing room.

“I’ll get some ice,” said Julian over his shoulder as he followed him out.

Joshua rested his head against Elena’s and closed his eyes. Ray’s visit was more than odd. In all the years Joshua had been with Avalanche, not once had Ray shown up at a concert. In fact, the number of odd occurrences were increasing. Was Julian responsible for this too?

He’d seemed so surprised when he’d arrived. Was he that good of an actor?

CHAPTER 14

Joshua’s jaw ached as he waited in line behind Elena to go through the metal detector at the airport. His head felt fuzzy and his eyes burned. He was so damn tired. He wished they’d had another day before moving to the next location, but the tour couldn’t be stopped now. He’d already cost them one show.

He lifted a hand to finger the bruise. People in line kept looking at him. He wasn’t sure whether they were wondering what happened, or just trying to determine if he was who they thought he was.

Shifting his pack on his shoulder, he leaned his head against the wall and closed his eyes. He hated flying. He hated airports. Since 9/11, it was impossible to get through the airport check-in without hassle.

“You okay?” asked Elena.

He nodded.

When the line moved forward, she tugged on his elbow and he moved up behind her, wrapping an arm around her and pulling her back into him for comfort. He placed his forehead on her shoulder and closed his eyes again.

“Please have your tickets out,” said one of the attendants working the metal detector.

Joshua lifted his head and looked up. Only two people were in front of Elena. Swinging his backpack off his shoulder, he pulled it in front of him and unzipped the top compartment. He reached for the ticket without looking, pushing aside a change of clothes and a notebook he used for jotting lyrics. His fingers touched on something cold and smooth. He frowned and curled his fingers around it, pulling it to the top of the bag. When he opened his hand, he saw that it was a vial, containing some sort of fluid.

His heart slammed against his chest and his eyes widened. Elena moved forward and Joshua’s eyes snapped up to the metal detector. Only two people were between him and the airport police.

What the hell was in the vial?

A cold sweat broke out across his skin and he knew what it held.

Glancing around, he marked a number of policemen standing to the side of the metal detectors. In the next line over, Elliot frowned at him, but Joshua ignored the look, his heart hammering in his ears. He shifted and searched the entire terminal, lighting on the bathroom at the end of the hall.

Hiding the vial in his hand, he swung the backpack to his shoulder and shoved his way through the people, muttering apologies. They grumbled angry comments in return, but let him pass and soon he was in the open part of the terminal. He chanced a glance at the police.

They were staring back at him, alerted to his sudden movement. Joshua lowered his head and hurried to the bathroom door, resisting the impulse to run. He couldn’t allow them to stop him before he made it inside. He couldn’t be found with this vial.

Slamming the door open, he hesitated inside and searched around for a stall with a door he could lock. He pushed past another man leaving the bathroom and threw open the stall door. He shoved the door shut and slid the bolt to lock it, then turned and threw the vial into the toilet. Pressing the handle, he watched the water flood into the bowl, sucking the vial down into the drain. Bracing his hand on the top of the toilet, he tried to still his rapid breathing and brushed the sweat off his upper lip.

Then he became aware of the black utility shoes waiting beyond the door of his stall. Joshua knew what that meant. Closing his eyes, he leaned over the bowl and forced himself to be sick. He knew it was a desperate attempt to save himself, but he had to try something.

Pressing the handle again, he tried to compose himself and turned, reaching for the bolt. His hand shook as he pulled it back and opened the door. Two men in black suits were waiting for him outside, but Joshua pushed between them and walked to the sink. Setting the backpack on the floor by his feet, he turned the water on and bent over, rinsing his mouth and pressing the cold water to his aching jaw.

The black shoes stopped beneath him and a hand reached down to pick up the backpack. Joshua braced himself on the sink and turned the water off, then he looked up into the officer’s face.

“Joshua Ravensong?” the officer asked.

Joshua nodded.

“Come with us please.”

Joshua reached for a towel, hoping they wouldn’t notice how his hands shook, and dried off his face, then he turned and threw it in the waste basket, moving toward the door with them right on his heels.

The band was waiting outside when he left the bathroom, but he only had time to glance at them before one of the officers pushed him in the back. One moved in front of him and led the way to the end of the terminal and to a door. The door opened on a white tiled hallway and they passed many closed doors until they came to one with a glass window in it. Joshua could see holding cells and a number of people sitting behind desks, watching monitors.

The officer in front of him opened the door, motioning him through. A few people looked up at him in interest, but Joshua could only stare at the cells. Would they put him in one? What about his backpack? Was there anything else in the backpack that he didn’t know about?

The officer behind him pushed him away from the cells and to another hallway. He followed them to a white room with another window in the door and walked inside. The only furniture was a stainless steel table and two chairs. The taller of the officers motioned toward one of the chairs and tossed the backpack on the table.

“Sit down, Ravensong,” he ordered.

Joshua sank into the seat, clasping his hands under the table.

The other officer moved behind him, pulling up the chair and taking a seat right at Joshua’s back. Joshua tried to keep him in his line of sight, but he was too close. He could feel his breath on the back of his neck.

“I’m Officer Baker and that’s Officer Thompson.”

Joshua could only nod. He knew he should probably take control of this situation somehow, but he was too damn scared. What if they had him on tape? Should he ask for a lawyer? Would that be an admission of guilt?

“You want to tell us what’s going on,” said Baker.

Joshua looked up at him, his mind frantically trying to find the composure he needed to seem normal. “What do you mean? I’m not sure why I’m here.”

Baker’s eyes shifted behind him to the other officer.

“You left the line rather suddenly, didn’t you?” said Thompson in his ear.

Joshua hunched his shoulders. He didn’t like having this guy at his back, but he knew they were trying to intimidate him. And damn was it working. “I didn’t feel well,” he said. “I must have eaten something bad.”

Baker scratched at his chin. “Really?” He lowered his hand and curled it in the top of the backpack. Without a word, he tipped it over and poured the contents onto the table.

Joshua’s eyes fixed on it in alarm, paralyzed by the fear of what might spill out.

“Mind if we look in your bag?” said Baker.

Joshua couldn’t respond. He watched Baker push aside his t-shirt and jeans, then lift the notebook. He turned a few pages, then dropped it on the clothes. He reached for the backpack again and started opening the other zippered compartments.

“What about your pockets? Anything in there?” said Thompson behind him.

Joshua shook his head, his eyes riveted on Baker.

“Roll up your sleeves for us,” said Thompson.

Joshua tried to turn and see him, but all he could see was Thompson’s chin. He was that close. He opened his mouth to respond, but the door slammed open and Julian appeared in the entry.

“What the hell is going on?” he demanded. “I have a band to put on a plane and you detain my lead singer.”

Another officer moved into the doorway behind Julian. “Sorry, Chuck,” he said to Baker. “Says he’s the lawyer.”

Baker lifted a brow, then turned to Joshua. “He your lawyer?”

Joshua nodded, even though he wasn’t sure Julian had passed the bar. He knew he’d taken a number of law classes, but he didn’t even know if he’d gotten a degree or not. Baker shrugged at the officer in the door and the officer left.

Julian advanced into the room.

“What happened to your face?” purred Thompson behind him.

“What’s he being held for?” Julian demanded. “It had better be damn good or I swear I’ll sue.”

“We’re waiting for him to tell us. He jumped out of line rather suspiciously and raced to the bathroom…”

“I told you I was sick,” snapped Joshua. He really hated the feel of Thompson so close behind him. The man now had one arm on the back of Joshua’s chair and the other on the table beside him.

“That seems a reasonable explanation,” said Julian. His eyes lowered to the backpack. “Did he give you permission to search that?”

Baker gave Joshua an amused look. “Yeah, he did.”

“No, I didn’t.”

Thompson plucked at the sleeve of Joshua’s shirt. “But he gave us permission to search him, didn’t you? Pull up your sleeve.”

“No,” said Julian, rounding on him. “Don’t give them permission to do anything.”

“If he’s got nothing to hide, he should be willing to show us,” said Thompson. He brushed Joshua’s hair off his shoulder. Joshua tried to lean away from him. “Right? If you’re innocent, you’ve got nothing to hide.”

“Innocent?” said Julian, reaching up and removing his glasses. “What are you accusing him of doing?”

“Nothing, right, Pat? We just wondered what happened. That’s all,” said Baker.

Julian turned to Baker. “Then if you have nothing on him, he’s free to go, isn’t he? We have a plane to catch.”

Baker dropped the backpack on the table. “Yeah, he can go.” He stepped away from the table as Julian moved to shove Joshua’s things back in the bag, but Thompson didn’t move.

Joshua tried to keep him in his line of sight, every muscle tense.

“What happened to your face?” repeated Thompson, brushing Joshua’s hair again.

Joshua didn’t answer.

“Let him go, Pat,” said Baker in a bored voice, but still Thompson didn’t move.

“Dealer pop you one?” he said.

Julian’s head snapped up and he glared at Thompson. “What?”

“Let it go, Pat.”

“Just asking, that’s all. Just doing my job.” He pushed himself to his feet and leaned over Joshua. Joshua hunched his shoulders and tensed, but he didn’t touch him, just loomed over him for a moment, then walked away. He went straight to the door and out without a backward glance.

Joshua closed his eyes.

“Let’s go, Ravensong,” said Julian across the table from him.

Joshua forced himself to stand, although his knees felt weak, and he followed Julian toward the door. The manager stopped by Baker and looked at him over the top of his glasses.

“Your supervisor will hear from me.”

“Be my guest,” said Baker. His eyes slid beyond Julian to Joshua. “Bye, Ravensong.”

Joshua didn’t answer, just followed Julian out of the room and into the hallway beyond. The people behind the desks turned and watched them as they headed to the corridor. Thompson was standing in the doorway of an office and he winked at Joshua as they passed.

Once they made it into the white tiled hall, they didn’t speak until they were almost to the door leading to the terminal. Joshua hesitated as Julian put his hand on the knob.

“Julian?”

The manager paused, then turned slowly on his heel. He had Joshua’s pack slung over his own shoulder.

Joshua looked down, then up into Julian’s eyes. “Thanks for that.”

Julian squared his jaw, then nodded.

“It took guts to go in there.”

“I’ve got a tour to run, Ravensong. I don’t have time for weekend warriors to play cop on me. We’ve got a flight to catch.”

Joshua shifted weight. “I just…I didn’t…”

“What? You thought I’d let them keep you here?”

“I didn’t expect you of all people to come for me, no.”

Julian moved back until he was standing right in front of Joshua. “Avalanche is important to me, Joshua. Damn important. You only get a ride like this once in a lifetime. Once!” he punctuated with a finger. “But I’m not stupid. I know you’re the reason for it.”

Joshua narrowed his eyes. “You tried to hire another singer just a week ago.”

“Yeah, but not because I don’t know what you bring to the band.” He shook his head. “You’re like a falling star, Joshua. Blazingly brilliant, but short lived. I wanted them to get another singer because I know…I know that eventually you’ll burn out, you’ll walk away. You’ll have to. This business is eating you alive. You think I don’t see that.” He looked away. “But we’re playing sold out stadiums every night, Ravensong, and I thought that if they were going to make a break, it had to be now. If they could bring in another singer, at the top of this ride, the public might not abandon them right away. They might make it without you…at least until the next album is out.”

Joshua sighed. It made sense, in fact, it made good business sense. “Then maybe you should have left me in there. You know what they were trying to find, I know you do. It would have been easier to convince the band to get another singer if they thought I was using again.”

Julian met his gaze. “But you’re not. I know that too. You’re right, I’m not stupid, and I’m also a realist. After trying out all of those singers and bringing that poor sap Lucas in to sound check, I realized what Ralph had told me all along. Whether I like it or not, Ravensong is Avalanche.” He held out the backpack to Joshua. “Now, we’ve got a plane to catch.”

* * *

Joshua knew he needed help. After Julian had explained what happened to the band, he’d sat on the plane beside Elena and stared around him at everyone. Someone was setting him up. At first, he’d been sure it was Julian. Now he wasn’t. Not after Julian had been the one to rescue him.

He knew Elena wanted more details from him, but he couldn’t talk about it. He hadn’t felt so helpless in a long time. The feeling was paralyzing, crippling. He wanted to curl up, hide from the world, protect himself. He sat on the plane, holding the backpack close, and trying to analyze who would want to harm him. It was a paranoid venture and everyone seemed capable of it now.

The ride to the hotel in the limo was hell. He stared out of the window and tried to forget that everyone was staring at him. Elena’s posture beside him was not welcoming. Pressing his forehead to the glass, he exhaled. His jaw ached and he was so damn tired. He needed to sleep, but he wasn’t about to fall asleep until either he was alone or he knew who was behind the last few pranks.

At the hotel, Julian checked them in and handed everyone a key. They rode to their floor in silence, then went their separate ways into their various rooms. Joshua had a suite, since he and Elena shared a room. The suite was at the end of a long, barren hall, and they walked to it without speaking.

Once inside, Elena kicked off her shoes and put down her bags.

Joshua moved toward the couch in the sitting room and settled his pack on the table. He could feel Elena’s eyes on him.

“What really happened?” she asked finally.

Joshua turned to face her. “I got sick.” It came out without hesitation, and yet he felt guilty, but he really couldn’t tell her the truth, not now, not when so many strange things had been happening.

She didn’t answer, moving to the bathroom. She returned with a washcloth and walked the bar, putting ice cubes in the middle of the cloth, then she brought it to him. “Here, you should try to reduce the swelling.”

He caught her hand as she started to move away. “Elena, please understand. Some things I have to work out on my own. This is one of them.”

She looked into his eyes. “I want to, Josh. I really do, but this is starting to scare me. I don’t understand what’s happening and I’m getting more and more afraid for you.”

“Trust me, Elena, please. Believe me when I tell you things.”

“I do,” she answered, “but it’s getting harder.” She rose on her tiptoes and kissed him. “I’m gonna go call my family.”

She walked away to the bedroom door and disappeared inside, shutting it behind her. Joshua wanted to go after her, but he’d felt the distance in her kiss. She didn’t believe him. She knew he was hiding something from her.

Sinking down on the couch, he placed the washcloth on the table and reached for his cell phone. Snapping it open, he stared at the display. Why was it so hard to admit he was in over his head? Because he’d been here before and he’d lied his way through it for a long time. No one trusted him. They couldn’t. He’d lost all trust when he started using.

Closing his eyes, he pushed the speed dial button and lifted the phone to his ear. It rang a few times and then a feminine voice came on the line. “Hello?”

“Hey, Margaret,” he said, raking a hand through his hair.

“Joshua? How are you?”

Joshua hesitated. That was a loaded question. “All right,” he said. “How’s the baby?”

“She’s great. Sitting up on her own. You’ve got to come see her as soon as the tour is over.”

“I will. How are you?”

“I’m good. Are you sure you’re okay? You sound funny.”

Joshua drew a deep breath and opened his eyes, staring at the backpack. “I need to talk to James, if he’s there.”

“Of course, let me get him.”

He waited in the silence while she hunted for his brother.

“Josh?” James’ voice was immediately alarmed. Joshua wondered what Margaret had said to him.

“Hey, James, it’s good to hear your voice.”

“What’s up?”

“Nothing. I just wanted to touch base.”

James didn’t answer for a moment. “Josh, don’t shit me. I can hear the strain in your voice. What’s going on?”

Joshua exhaled. “I need some help.”

“Tell me where you are and I’ll catch a flight out tonight.”

“No,” Joshua said, sitting back in alarm. “I didn’t mean that. I just need to run some things by you and get your impression, that’s all.”

“Josh.” James had always used that tone with him, half-chiding, half-concerned. “Tell me where you are, damn it. You promised me.”

Joshua’s eyes drifted to the backpack. He had promised, but it was so hard to live by that promise. It was selfish to expect his brother to bail him out, selfish to take him away from his family now, when they needed him more.

“I just need you to do some snooping around from where you are, use your police connections, something…”

“Joshua, please. You made me a promise, damn it. Now stick with it. Tell me where you are.”

“I don’t want to take you from Margaret and the baby. Your job.”

“I can get a leave for family issues and Margaret understands.”

For some reason, that statement made Joshua hunch his shoulders. He didn’t want Margaret to understand, or pity him. James’ poor, pathetic, screwed up brother. God, sometimes he hated himself.

“Josh, please?”

Joshua exhaled again. He knew he’d lost the fight, and he knew he needed his brother. “Boston. We’re in Boston,” he said.

* * *

Elena and Evan stood in the wings, watching Avalanche perform. Joshua had moved out onto the walkway and the crowd was lifting their hands, trying to touch him as he serenaded them.

A motion in her line of sight drew her attention and she looked up to see a tall, blond man step up on the other side of Evan. Evan reacted with a laugh and turned, embracing the man.

“How the hell are you?” said the lead singer.

“Good. What the hell is this get-up?” The man motioned at Evan’s zoot suit and hair.

“Part of the gag, brother, part of the gag.” He turned to Elena. “This is Elena Harris. Elena, this is James Connor, Joshy’s brother.”

Elena shook hands with him. “Nice to meet you.”

“Same here.” He looked out at the band and whistled. “Can you believe this?”

“I know,” laughed Evan. “I keep pinching myself. We never dreamed this was possible back in the old days.”

“Not even a bit.”

Evan turned to Elena. “I played in James’ band, Blazes, when we were a lot younger. That was my first band.”

She smiled at him, but her attention was caught by James. He was staring at Joshua intently.

“He’s got so much charisma. It’s like a force.”

“Yeah,” remarked Evan, watching him as well. “I keep remembering him as this scrawny kid, sneaking in to our rehearsals.” He glanced at Elena again. “We’d rehearse in James’ basement and he’d sneak down the stairs and watch us. James always caught him and told him to get the hell out.”

Elena smiled once more.

“But he’d be back the next day,” finished James. “I ever tell you about the time I caught him down there. He was messing on the keyboard. I was all set to storm in and beat the crap out of him, but then I heard what he was playing.”

“One of our songs?”

“Yeah, and no. He’d changed some of the chord progressions and tweaked the melody. When I went down, he stopped playing and almost bolted. I told him to keep playing and I picked up my guitar. I took one strum on those strings and knew he’d done something to it.” James laughed. “It had never been in such tune before.”

Evan joined him. “He tuned all our guitars. We’d line them up for him and he’d go down the line.” He punched James’ lightly in the stomach. “I’d have him do it for me now, but he’s a bigger star than I am.”

“Yeah, me too.”

“So, what happened after you found out he’d messed with your guitar?”

“We fixed the rest of the song, then I sat down with him and we changed the lyrics. If you remember, I took the credit for the new arrangement, but I felt so damn guilty about it. I never chased him off the stairs again.”

Elena waited for them to continue the story, but when they didn’t, she couldn’t stop herself from asking more. “Did he eventually play for you?”

“Yeah,” said James, glancing at her. “That was Evan’s fault. I was determined no stupid kid was going to be in our band. Shit, he was thirteen and we were in high school, but Evan thought different.”

“I talked James into letting him join us for a set.”

James rolled his eyes. “The audience fell in love with him. When we tried to play the next set without him, they started chanting his name.”

Evan laughed. “James was so pissed that he forced us to continue playing, but you could hardly hear us over the crowd. And there was Joshua, waiting in the wings, with this grin on his face.”

James shook his head in memory. “That was that. I had to call him out and from that point on, Blazes was just the backup for Ravensong.”

Evan smiled in memory. “We got record deals out of it, man.”

James’ face grew serious. “Yeah, and I almost lost him too.”

Evan’s smile faded. “Yeah, that too.”

Elena looked away. She didn’t want to hear any more. It made her feel sick inside to think of what had happened, especially now. Especially with Joshua acting so odd lately.

The song trailed off and Elliot launched into his solo. The other band members headed for the wings, giving him center stage. A roadie stepped forward and handed Joshua a bottle of water and a towel. Joshua downed half the bottle in one swallow and reached for the towel, wiping his forehead. His eyes came to rest on his brother and he handed the towel to the roadie, moving toward him.

James caught him in an embrace, placing his hand on the back of Joshua’s neck and saying something in his ear that Elena couldn’t catch. Then he held him away and took a good look at him. Joshua reached for Elena’s hand and pulled her to his side.

“James, this is Elena Harris,” he said.

James nodded. “We’ve met.” His eyes narrowed on Joshua. “What the hell happened to your face?”

Joshua looked away. “It’s nothing…”

“Josh!” came the stern command and Joshua’s eyes snapped back to his brother’s intense scrutiny.

With an exhalation, he capitulated. “Ray showed up at the concert a few nights ago. He wanted money and we got into it. Then he let me have it.”

Elena knew something silent and profound had passed between the two of them. Joshua had never given up information that easily to anyone before. She studied his brother with renewed respect.

James was frowning. “He’d better look worse than you do.”

Joshua shook his head.

“How did that bastard know where you were?”

Joshua shrugged. “He said a neighbor told him. The stage manager let him in because he recognized the name. He didn’t know any better.”

“You need to get a restraining order against him.”

Joshua’s gaze dropped. “I took care of it. It won’t happen again.”

James started to say something more, but Joshua’s attention snapped back to the stage. Elena knew Elliot was winding down.

Joshua hugged his brother quickly again. “I’m glad you’re here,” he muttered, then bent and kissed Elena before hurrying back into the spotlight.

Elena watched him go, but she felt James’ eyes on her and when she looked up, he was giving her that same speculative look that he’d given his brother.

* * *

Joshua tilted his head back, closed his eyes, and let the hot water run over him. He enjoyed the post-concert shower, when his body was exhausted, but the roar of the crowd was still echoing in his ears.

“Who’s the woman?” came his brother’s voice from the doorway.

“She was the assistant manager, until a few weeks ago,” said Joshua over the drumming of the water.

“That’s not what I asked you. Who is she to you?”

Joshua turned around and shut off the faucet, then snaked his fingers through his hair, squeezing out the excess water. He opened the glass door and nodded at the towel. “Hand me that,” he said.

James tossed it to him, then moved out of the doorway and back into the main part of the dressing room.

Joshua dried himself, then dressed in a pair of jeans. Pulling on a sweat shirt, he combed out his hair, then padded into the dressing room and sank down on the couch. James grabbed the chair from the dressing table, turned it around backward, and straddled it. He studied Joshua a moment in silence, then nodded.

“You gonna answer me?”

“What do you want me to say?”

“This the one Mom told me about?”

Joshua nodded.

“The serious one?”

“Yeah. We’re moving in together after the tour.”

“You said she was the assistant manager. What happened?”

“She couldn’t work for Julian anymore.”

James simply nodded. Then he smoothed a hand over his moustache. “She’s not why I’m here?”

“No, why you’re here is another matter entirely. And you didn’t have to come. I just needed you to see if anything made a connection for you.”

James frowned. “Why don’t you tell me what’s going on?”

Joshua leaned forward and braced his forearms on his thighs. “If I tell you, James, you’ve got to believe me. You’ve got to know that I’m really not responsible for any of this. I’m going to tell you everything and you’ve got to believe me that none of it is a lie. Can you do that?”

“Of course.”

“You’ve also got to promise me that it stays between us.”

“I’m not going to keep things from Mom and Dad, Josh. They have a right to know.”

“Let me tell you, and then we can talk about that. I don’t think they need to know much right now.”

James sighed. “All right, but if it’s anything…”

“I know.” Joshua stopped him. “I understand.”

“So, tell me. What’s going on?”

Joshua reached for the bottled water on the table and took a swallow. “I wish I knew. Strange things keep happening to me. Very strange things. At first I thought Julian was behind it, but he’s denied everything.”

“So tell me what’s been happening.”

“It started with a magazine article, after I got the concussion. It speculated that I was using again.”

“We saw it,” said James with a nod.

“The reporter knew about the fight Elliot and I had over Elena. That was something we tried to keep out of the news, and yet it was leaked.”

“Okay.”

“Then, there was a woman in my dressing room a few nights later. She got by Dominic and the rest of the security detail. She kept claiming that I invited her, she even had a note with my writing and my signature on it.”

“What?”

Joshua nodded. “I confronted Julian about it, but he said he didn’t know anything. He swore up and down he had nothing to do with it. You should have seen the way Elena and the other band members looked at me. Like I’d been caught stealing.”

“What if she’d been a head case, Joshua? Why didn’t you tell me about this? I could have run a background check on her, see if she had any prior arrests.”

Joshua pushed a hand through his damp hair. “She really believed I had invited her. She wasn’t dangerous.”

“She could have been!” snapped James.

Joshua held up a hand in capitulation. “There’s more.”

“Go on.”

“I got a package. In the dressing room. It was addressed to me and had a return address of a company called BPI. When I opened it…” Joshua’s voice trailed off. If he told James what was inside, he would react one of two ways. Joshua was terrified it might be the wrong reaction.

“Tell me,” said James firmly.

“It was a syringe.”

James sucked in air.

“A new one. Never been used. There was nothing inside of it, but it was a syringe.”

“What did you do?”

“I flushed it down the toilet, then I looked up BPI on the internet. It stands for Bayside Pharmaceuticals.”

“Why the hell didn’t you call me right then?”

“I didn’t want to alarm anyone. I really thought it was a sick prank, nothing more. Until I called BPI. I asked them who ordered the syringe and they told me that I did. That I’d ordered it myself.”

James cocked his head and gave Joshua a critical stare. Joshua didn’t know if that meant he believed him or not. Still, now that it was out, he had to continue.

“Yesterday, just before we went through the metal detector at the airport, I found a vial in my backpack…”

“A what?”

“A glass vial.” Joshua indicated the size with his fingers. “Filled with a clear liquid.”

“What kind of liquid?”

Joshua shrugged. “I don’t know. I panicked. I ran to the bathroom and flushed it down the toilet. Airport security saw me and pulled me into an interrogation room. One of them emptied my backpack on the table right in front of me. I was so afraid of what might fall out.”

James’ expression told him everything. He was finding all of this hard to swallow. “What happened?”

“Julian burst in and threatened them with a law suit if they didn’t release me. After awhile, they agreed, but not before one of them went through my backpack… thoroughly.” He leaned forward again and his eyes fixed on his brother’s face. “There could have been something else in that pack, James, but I have no idea who put it there.”

“Was the pack ever out of your sight?”

Joshua nodded.

“Anyone could have done it and we don’t have the vial to run any tests,” James said, shaking his head. Running a hand over his face, he was silent in consideration for a long while. Finally, he looked up into his brother’s eyes. “I can have someone look into this BPI for you,” he offered.

Joshua nodded.

James rubbed the back of his neck tiredly. “Shit, Josh, any of those had the potential to be really bad. Why the hell did you wait so long to call me?”

“You just had a baby and I thought…”

“You thought what,” snapped James. “You promised me you would call the first time something happened. The first time.”

“I know. Please, James, please let that go. I need your help now. I’ve got to know who’s doing these things to me.”

“Let it go? I’ll never let it go, Joshua. I can’t let it go. I have nightmares about it. I was the one, Josh, I was the one who found you.”

Joshua bowed his head and closed his eyes. He remembered. He would never forget it. James would never let him forget that he’d been the one to find Joshua when he’d tried to kill himself.

James’ weight settled on the couch beside him and he put his arm around Joshua’s shoulders. “Every time I think about it, I think about the possibility that I might not have gotten there in time. What if I’d been even a few minutes later? You would have bled to death on that bathroom floor.”

“James?” Joshua moaned in misery.

“No, you listen to me, damn it. I blame myself that it even went that far, that I ever let you get caught up in that. If I guilt you about it, it’s because I don’t want to go through that again. I almost lost you, Josh. You almost died in my arms.” He hugged him tighter. “Don’t put me through that again. That’s why I made you promise me, that’s why I won’t let you forget it. I can’t let that happen ever again.”

“I know,” Joshua said, slanting a look at him. “I know what I did to all of you, but you can’t shelter me. You can’t lock me up. I’ve got to make my own way.”

“No one makes their own way, Joshua. We all need help. You’ve just never been able to ask for it.”

Joshua shifted to look him directly in the face. “I think I just did, James. Give me a little credit for that.”

James searched his face, then he sighed. “You’re right. Okay, no more guilt. Let’s figure out what the hell we’re going to do about this.”

CHAPTER 15

Joshua crept to the little hotel refrigerator and opened it, reaching inside for a bottle of water. He grabbed one and shut the door quietly, then slowly broke the seal on the lid and opened it. He took a drink, then lowered the bottle, his eyes coming to rest on his brother.

James was sleeping on the sofa bed in the sitting room of his suite. They hadn’t had time to get him his own room. Elena hadn’t objected, but she’d wanted to know why his brother had come. He couldn’t tell her and he’d beg James not to say anything. He mumbled something about being homesick, but he knew Elena was suspicious. And he was giving her more things each day to be suspicious about.

Still, he was so relieved that James was here. He knew he used James as a shield against the rest of the world, but James didn’t seem to mind. He’d been on the opposite end of Joshua’s insane world, during the time when every word that left Joshua’s mouth was a lie.

He and James might not have any blood ties, but they were brothers, bound by the life they’d lived before, bound by the nightmare Joshua had forced on them all. Rather than splintering during his meltdown, Joshua’s family had pulled closer together. He knew that if he ever needed them, they would fold around him and protect him from the rest of the world. He would do the same, but he owed them so much more than he could ever repay.

He sat down in the chair by his brother’s bed and stared at the darkness outside the hotel window. James brought back memories Joshua would rather repress, but Dr. Staddler had told him repeatedly that what he didn’t accept was destined to haunt him forever.

* * *

Joshua was so high he didn’t even notice the woman until she sank into the booth next to him and leaned in against his side. He blinked at her, trying to place her, but she was a stranger.

“Why are you sitting all alone, baby?” she purred in his ear, leaning close to be heard over the pounding jukebox.

He didn’t answer, twirling the water glass in his hands. He was distracted by the bead of condensation rolling down the outside. His attention shifted to her as she snaked her hand up his inner thigh.

“You don’t want to be alone, do you?”

Joshua closed his eyes and gave himself up to her touch. Slowly he shook his head. For some reason, he couldn’t remember any words that would string together into a sentence.

“You don’t have a girlfriend or anything, do you?”

Did he? He couldn’t remember. He’d been seeing someone for awhile, but he couldn’t remember her name. Lucy, or Stacy, or Terry. Anyway, he didn’t think they were still seeing each other anymore. Not that it mattered. All that mattered was the moment and staying numb.

“Let’s go to your room,” she said, her touch becoming more demanding.

Joshua nodded because he couldn’t think of any reason not to go. They slid out of the booth and she took his arm, leading him from the bar. He gave her his room key, but he couldn’t remember what room it was. God, he must have taken more than usual this time. He usually wasn’t so muddle-headed.

She figured it out, or he guessed she did. He didn’t remember much beyond the bar – a lot of frantic movement and then drifting into the oblivion, happy to have everything else float away.

He came violently awake the next morning to the sun glaring in the windows and someone banging on his door. He rolled to his side and moaned. Every inch of his body hurt, as if he had the flu or something. Still, the banging continued.

He forced open his eyes, but it was like trying to see through jagged glass. Nausea pounded in his head. He could see the woman lying next to him, naked, sleeping soundly. As the banging continued, she reached for the pillow and pulled it over her head, ignoring it.

Wrapping an arm around his abdomen, Joshua rolled off the bed and managed to stagger to his feet. Grasping the dresser, he bowed his head and fought the waves of pain that washed over him.

The banging continued.

“I’m coming, damn it!” he shouted, enraged by the persistent noise. He wanted to kill whoever was doing it.

He staggered naked to the door and fumbled with the lock, pulling it open only wide enough to peer outside. James was waiting in the hallway.

“Get up!” he shouted.

Joshua flinched. “Don’t yell.”

James’ eyes narrowed. “Are you hung-over?”

That was as good an excuse as any. “Yeah, so stop shouting.”

“When did you go out?”

Joshua sighed and pressed a hand to his throbbing forehead. “James, can we not do the stupid question and answer thing right now?”

James pushed on the door. “Let me in.”

“No,” said Joshua, pushing back. “What the hell do you want?” He was as surprised as James by his surly tone. He never talked to his older brother this way, but he felt so damn bad, hurt so damn much.

“You’ve got a woman in there?”

Puritanical James, the virgin brother, he thought uncharitably. “Yeah, now leave it alone.”

James’ face clouded over and his jaw clenched. “You’ve got half an hour to get your ass downstairs. Evan will have the car outside the lobby to take us to the recording studio.”

“Fine. That gives me enough time to shower.” He started to shut the door.

James blocked it. “Josh?”

Joshua blinked at him through blurry eyes. “What?”

“You know this isn’t right. All these women, the booze. You’re only nineteen, damn it. You’re too young for this.”

“James, I’m not a priest like you, so back off.”

“You’re going to get a disease. What if you become an alcoholic?”

Joshua almost laughed. That would be an improvement, he thought. “I’m fine,” he said instead. “Now, let me get a shower.”

James didn’t answer, but he let Joshua close the door. Joshua threw the bolt and turned, surveying the naked woman. He didn’t even know her name. Walking to the end of the bed, he kicked the mattress. She groaned.

“Get up,” he ordered. “You’ve got to leave.”

She rolled over and looked at him. Her makeup was smeared and her hair was matted. “Why?”

Joshua clenched his jaw. “Just get up.”

She swore at him, then climbed off the bed. She kept up a steady stream of profanity as she searched the room for her clothes. Joshua sank down on the end of the bed and watched her, his forearms braced on his thighs.

She finished dressing, then came up to him and kissed him. “You’ve got it bad, baby,” she said and looked pointedly at his arms. Joshua didn’t try hide the track marks from her, he didn’t care. She clucked her tongue and ruffled his hair, then walked to the door and let herself out.

Joshua forced himself to his feet and followed her, locking the door. Then he went to the closet and searched through his suitcase. His hands shook as he located the syringe. Taking it and the vial of liquid back to the bed, he primed the syringe, then located a vein. The needle made his whole arm ache as he inserted it into the vein, but the drug immediately soothed the pain as it flushed over his body. He closed his eyes and tilted back his head, letting it ease away the ache of withdrawal.

* * *

James stilled his fingers on the strings and looked up at his brother. Joshua had his eyes closed and was swaying with the fading music. James released his held breath. Hung-over or not, Joshua was a genius, putting such soul and emotion into their songs. He transported them from mediocrity to art.

“Great, boys. Take a break, then we’ll start on the next one,” came the tin voice through the speaker.

James looked up to the glass enclosed control booth. “Can you play that last one back for us before we go on? I want to make sure it’s coming together like we think it is.”

There was a hesitation. James touched his headset to make sure he hadn’t missed the answer.

“Yeah,” came the response. “Understand that this isn’t the final cut. We’ll clean up the edges and overlay more vocals on it. When it’s finished, it’ll sound like a choir, rather than four guys doing the harmony.”

Joshua’s eyes snapped open and he swiveled in his seat to pin his brother with a look.

“What do you mean?” asked James, holding Joshua’s gaze. Something was worrying him about his brother and it wasn’t just the strange women.

“Here, this is just a sample, but we’ll clean it up before it goes on the CD.”

James was distracted by the tinny, fuzzy sound that came over the speakers. They’d even pitched Joshua’s voice higher, smoothing out the raspy blues quality he could affect so well.

Joshua threw off his headset and came to his feet. “What the hell is that?” he demanded, rounding on his brother. “That isn’t our sound. That isn’t even my voice.”

James could only shake his head in dismay. He didn’t know what more to say.

“Is there a problem?” came the voice through the headset.

“Yeah, that isn’t us.”

“It is – we’ve just made it commercial. The harmony will be even better with eight voices instead of four.”

“How are we going to play that in concert?” said James. He could see the other two band members were as upset as Joshua.

“We’ll worry about the concert later. Right now we’re just trying to sell the CD.”

James shrugged at Joshua. “They say it’s more commercial.”

Joshua’s eyes widened and James noticed they were bloodshot. “Commercial? What the hell does that mean?”

“Just a minute, Josh,” James placated.

“No! Forget it. Tell them to go to hell. They’re not using my music like this. Screw them!”

“Is there a problem, James? We need to get going on the next song…”

“Just a minute,” said James, rising to his feet and holding up a hand to stop his brother’s pacing. “Josh, they want to start the next song.”

Joshua whirled on him and James never remembered seeing his face contort in such rage. “No! I won’t do another song for these bastards. Tell them to f…”

“Josh!” shouted James.

“You’d better get control of him, James. He doesn’t have a choice. We have a contract,” came the voice in the headset.

“I’m trying,” James shouted at the window. He reached for his brother. “Josh, calm down!”

Joshua flinched and yanked out of his hold. “I’m done,” he said and turned on his heel, storming for the door.

“James, this is a lawsuit waiting to happen,” warned the voice.

James stared at the door, but he knew Joshua well enough to know he wasn’t coming back. When he made a decision, it was final and nothing changed his mind. The music was sacred to Joshua, and no amount of money or threat was going to make him change that belief.

James turned and looked at Evan. Evan settled his bass on the stand and draped an arm over his thigh. “You know Josh is right, James. They butchered our song. Is the money worth that? Shit, they made your brother sound like a eunuch.”

James pulled off the headset. “They say they’ll sue.”

“Let them. We ain’t got nothing and if we don’t give them any more of our songs, neither do they. They’re already into this so far, I don’t think they want to pull out now. Call their bluff.”

“You sure?”

Evan nodded. James turned to the drummer. Ben also gave him a nod. James could feel his dream falling apart, but they were right. If that sound was commercial, he didn’t want any part of it.

Looking at the window, he said, “We quit.”

* * *

Banging woke Joshua later that afternoon. He groaned and rolled out of bed, but his body still felt blessedly numb. Too bad he was so sleepy lately that he slept away most of his high.

He pulled open the door and looked out. James was standing there, but his smile dried to a look of concern.

“Are you sick?”

“Sick of you waking me up all the time. What is it?”

James lifted an eyebrow at his surly tone, but Joshua didn’t have the energy to amend it.

“The studio just called.”

Joshua sighed, then moved back, opening the door so his brother could enter. He was glad he’d remembered to lay down fully clothed this time. James strolled into the room and looked around, as if he half expected to see a woman. Joshua dropped into the armchair beside the dresser and blinked up at his brother sleepily.

James turned to face him. “They want us to come down.”

“No,” said Joshua.

James hunkered down in front of him. His smile stretched across his whole face. “Really, when they’ve agreed to do everything your way?”

Joshua studied his brother’s expression. He didn’t really care about this deal, but it meant the world to his brother. With a weary exhalation, Joshua capitulated. “That’s what they said?”

“More. They put it in writing.” James removed a fax from his pocket and held it out.

Joshua knew his vision was too blurry to read it. “Just tell me what it says.”

“You have full creative control, little brother. You and no one else.”

Joshua looked away. He was so damn tired. He didn’t want to go back into that studio, but he couldn’t deny that the chance to lay down the tracks his way was intoxicating.

“Fine, but if they change one thing…”

“All right, all right,” said James, holding up a hand. “Not one thing.”

* * *

“That’s a wrap,” came the voice in the headset.

James set down the guitar and turned to smile at Evan. The bassist smiled back, but his eyes shifted to Joshua.

“You’re a royal pain in the ass, Ravensong,” came the voice again, “but you’re also freakin’ brilliant.”

Joshua exhaled and removed his own headset, draping it over the microphone stand. He climbed off the stool, his arm wrapped around his ribs, and shot a look at his brother.

“I’m going back to the hotel.”

James’ smile dried. “Okay. You got the flu or something?”

Joshua’s eyes drifted to Evan, then back. “Probably. I just need some sleep.”

James nodded, but a knot was forming in his throat. Joshua had belted out the songs with such energy and feeling that James hadn’t realized how sick he looked or how pale his skin was.

He watched him walk out the door, unaware that the voice was talking to him in the headset again. “James?”

“Yeah,” he said, blinking up at the glass wall.

“Pack up your gear and then come into the sound booth. I’ll let you hear what we laid down.”

James nodded and removed the headset. He knelt and began packing up his guitar.

“James?”

James stared at Evan’s boots for a moment before looking up into his face.

“James, we gotta talk.”

James realized he was gripping the guitar until his knuckles were white. He released it and rose to his feet to face the bassist. “What?”

“James, Joshua’s got a problem,” he said seriously.

“Yeah, he said he has the flu.”

Evan shook his head. “No, he didn’t. You supplied that excuse. You’ve supplied all the excuses lately.”

“What are you saying, Evan?”

Evan looked miserable. “James, he’s high all of the time. Can’t you see that?”

The knot tightened. James felt like he was going to be sick. His eyes moved to Ben, but the drummer just looked down. Sinking onto the stool, James clasped his hands in his lap.

“The signs have been there, James. He keeps disappearing into the bathroom. He has violent mood swings. He hardly eats anything. All he wants to do is sleep.”

James realized he was breathing too fast. He didn’t know what to say. Panic was edging out reason in his mind. He’d seen the signs, somewhere inside he’d known what they meant, but he’d denied it. He’d wanted this record deal so bad, he’d let Joshua slip away.

Swinging away from Evan, he ran to the door and threw it open. Slamming into the bathroom, he shouted Joshua’s name, but it was empty. He fled the studio then, hailing a taxi on the street.

The ride from the studio to the hotel only took ten minutes, but James thought he was going to crawl out of his skin before it was over. He took out his cell phone and dialed Joshua’s number, but it kept shifting to his answering service. He dialed his parents’ number, but stopped it just before the call went through.

When the taxi came to a halt before the hotel, he threw the money over the seat and vaulted out of the back, tearing into the hotel at a run. The ride up the elevator had him pacing across the back wall.

He banged frantically on Joshua’s door, but got no answer. He took out his cell phone again and punched in his parents’ number, but he disconnected before the first ring. Heading to the stairs, he took them two at a time until he exited into the lobby. He would force them to open Joshua’ room if he had to.

As soon as he was at the front desk, he realized he hadn’t checked the rest of the hotel. Joshua often went to the bar to listen to music. James ducked inside and searched each booth, looking for his brother, but Joshua wasn’t there.

He moved back into the lobby, prepared to demand they open Joshua’s room, but on a hunch, he headed for the door leading to the pool. He found Joshua sitting in a lounge chair, staring at the water.

James stood in the dark and watched him. His throat felt so tight, he thought he might suffocate. Why hadn’t he seen it before? Closing his eyes, he forced himself to swallow. He had, he’d just wanted to ignore it, hadn’t wanted to believe his brother could go down such a path.

He moved closer, but Joshua didn’t acknowledge him. “Josh?”

Joshua blinked, then looked up. Even in the low light of the torches, James could see his pupils were dilated.

“Josh, let’s go home,” he said softly.

Joshua frowned. “What?”

“I want to go home, tonight. Please.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” Joshua demanded.

James drew a deep breath, then exhaled. “You’re on something, aren’t you? Right now. You’re high. Evan was right.”

Joshua recoiled, but he didn’t answer.

“What is it, Josh? Coke, crack?”

Joshua pushed himself to his feet and moved closer to his brother. “Stay out of my life, James,” he said, the same rage simmering in his face.

“How could you let this happen, Josh? How could you get involved in something like this? Shit, you’re only nineteen.”

“Leave it alone, James.”

James shook his head. “No, we’re going home. Tonight. Dad will know what to do. We’ll get you help.” He placed his hands on his brother’s shoulders.

Joshua shrugged them off. “I don’t want help and I’m not going home. What I want is for all of you to leave me the hell alone.” He raked a hand through his hair. “Shit, James, you’re suffocating me. I can’t do anything without you watching over my shoulder.”

“What is it you want to do? Bed a different woman each night, get high? Look at you, you’re half sick, Joshua. You can’t keep going on like this.”

“You don’t know anything about it.”

“No, look at your hands. Look at how they shake. Is that normal, Josh?”

“Shut up!” he shouted.

“You’re coming home. You don’t have any other choice. We’re going now.”

“No, I’m not.”

“I mean it, Josh. I’m not kidding. We’re going tonight. Don’t make me force you.”

Joshua’s head lifted. “Force me? How, James? You gonna knocked me unconscious, give me a concussion – maybe break some ribs?”

James stared at his brother in misery. “No, Josh, I’m not Ray.”

“Then stop threatening me. And leave me the hell alone.” He brushed by his brother and headed for the hotel.

James whirled around, not sure what he was going to do and found Evan and Ben standing in the shadows. Joshua stopped when he came abreast of Evan.

“Thanks for nothing,” he snarled, then started to walk on.

“Josh!” said Evan. He grabbed Joshua’s elbow and pulled him back.

Joshua sucked in a breath and yanked his arm out of Evan’s hold, cradling it against his body. They were all stunned by his behavior and did nothing as he continued walking, disappearing inside.

Finally Evan turned to James. “What are you going to do?”

James shook his head, then stopped. There was only one thing he could do. “I’m going home,” he said.

* * *

The phone started ringing just as Joshua positioned the needle above his vein. He glanced at it on the nightstand, then concentrated on the syringe. The pain was worse this time, his veins so constricted by the constant punishment, but a moment later, the warm flush of the drug soothed away the ache. Still the phone continued to ring.

He was sitting on the floor with his back to the bed. Reaching up, he grabbed the phone off the nightstand, hissing as the movement caused a flare of pain. Snapping open the cover, he put it to his ear.

“Yeah,” he said, closing his eyes as the feeling of oblivion spread through him.

“Joshua, is that you?”

Joshua’s eyes opened a slit and he stared at his arm. A line ran up his inner elbow, swollen and angry looking. “Adam?”

He could hear Adam exhale. “Joshua, your mother needs you to come home.”

Joshua’s hand tightened on the phone and his heart picked up speed. “What’s wrong with Mom?”

“Listen, Joshua, I’ve ordered a taxi. It’s waiting outside your hotel. Just go downstairs and get in it. It’ll bring you here.”

“What’s wrong with Mom?” he said through gritted teeth. The pounding of his heart was ruining the mellow feeling of the drug.

“She needs you here, Joshua. Tonight. Go downstairs and get in the taxi. It’ll bring you here. I’ve already paid for it.”

Joshua struggled to his feet. The room tilted and swayed beneath him. “Tell me what the hell happened to my mother, Adam!” he shouted, gripping the phone in both hands.

“I’ll tell you when you get here. Just come home now. The taxi’s waiting.”

Joshua stared at the phone. Some small part, not drowned by the drug, whispered that something was very wrong, but the thought of his mother needing him was greater than any warning. He grabbed his keys off the dresser and bolted out the door, slamming it behind him.

He didn’t wait for the elevator, but tore down the stairs and into the lobby. He skidded to a halt just outside the hotel doors, staring at the taxi waiting for him. It would be too slow and he needed to get home as fast as he could.

Sneaking past the back of it, he broke into a run and located his car. Pulling open the door, he sank into the seat and sat for a moment, breathing hard, the pounding of his heart fighting for supremacy over the lull of the drug. Slamming the key into the ignition, he started it, threw it in reverse, and peeled out of the parking lot.

The hour-long ride to his parents’ house was spent in wild speculation of what might have happened. Halfway there, he felt the muscle spasms start, particularly in his stomach and across his mid back. He curled an arm around his abdomen and tried to keep his focus on the road.

He parked half in and half out of the driveway, throwing open the door and climbing out. Adam appeared in the doorway, stepping out to greet him. “Come in, Josh,” he said, motioning to the interior.

Joshua hurried into the house. “Where’s Mom?” he demanded, then stumbled to a stop.

His mother and sister were sitting on the couch, holding hands. James was standing beside them. Joshua’s eyes fixed on his mother’s face. She had tears in her eyes and she was looking at him like he’d never seen her look before – as if she was staring at a stranger.

Joshua’s gaze whipped to James. “You son of a bitch,” he said, then turned on his heel, but Adam was blocking the door and he was a lot bigger than Joshua.

“Just calm down, Joshua,” said Adam, holding out a hand. “Let me take a look at you, okay?”

Joshua’s eyes narrowed. “Are you blocking the door, Adam?”

“I want to help you.”

“Help me! Leave me alone.” He shot a look over his shoulder at his mother. “All of you. Stay the hell out of my life! You’re suffocating me!”

“Joshua!” scolded his mother, rising to her feet. “You don’t mean that.”

“Yes, I do. I want to be left alone.”

“So you can take drugs, son?” asked Adam.

Joshua whirled back to face him. “I’m not your son.”

Adam’s expression hardened. “I’ve raised you most of your life. You are my son. Right now, you’re obviously confused and scared. We can help you. That’s what families do, Josh. Let me take a look at you and we’ll get you the help you need.”

“I don’t want your help!” he shouted. “I want you to leave me alone!”

“Joshua, please,” came Jennifer’s voice and then she took his arm with both of her hands.

Her touch wasn’t rough, but any contact caused pain to spear through Joshua’s arm and into his body. He cried out and hunched over, pulling it from her grasp. The reaction was immediate. Everyone converged on him, wanting to help him. From the corner of his eyes, Joshua saw Adam move away from the door.

He sidestepped them and was beyond his step-father before he could react. The cold air of the night struck him as he hurried down the front porch and toward his car. He could hear his mother begging his step-father to stop him, and he heard Adam’s calm response.

“I’m calling the police. They’ll pick him up and we’ll put him under a psychiatric hold.”

James and Jennifer followed him out of the house, calling to him, but he ignored them. He had to hurry. He wasn’t having the police get involved in this. He rounded the back of the car and pulled open the door, dropping inside. Jennifer ran to the opposite side and banged on the window, but Joshua ignored her, pressing the lock and shoving the key into the ignition. He started the car, then looked over at his sister’s face. Tears were streaming down her cheeks and she was begging him to stop. Beyond her, he could see his mother running toward him.

Suddenly, Joshua realized what he’d become. Staring into the faces of his family, seeing the anguish he was causing, he was filled with self-loathing. He’d never be able to look them in the eyes again. They knew what he was, what he’d become, and he was causing them shame and unbearable pain.

Looking away, his eyes came to rest on the oak tree in his parents’ yard. Swallowing against a rise of bile in his throat, he threw the car in gear, slammed his foot on the gas pedal, and closed his eyes

The impact threw him into the steering wheel and it folded around him. The last thing he heard was the scream of his mother and then everything faded away.

* * *

Joshua jumped as the memory came to its violent end. He ran a hand over his upper lip, realizing he was sweating. He shot a sheepish look at James, but his brother was still sleeping.

Closing his eyes, he forced himself to slow his breathing. It was only a memory now, and had no more power to hurt him. Unless his family ever found out the truth. They thought he’d been so high, he’d lost control of the car. It was a lie of omission, one of his last remaining lies, but one that he never wanted to divulge. Only his psychologist knew, and she was bound by her confidentiality oath.

He looked at his brother again, then rose to his feet and turned toward the bedroom. He was going to wake up Elena and make love to her. She would chase away the demons and let him get some sleep at last.

* * *

Joshua fidgeted beside his brother as they waited for the woman to find James a seat on their flight. He couldn’t help looking over his shoulder and keeping all of the airport police in his line of sight.

“How do you want to pay for this?” she finally asked, looking up at them.

Joshua fumbled for his wallet and pulled out his credit card, handing it to her. She gave Joshua a look as she took it from him, staring pointedly at his shaking hand. James closed his fingers around Joshua’s wrist and squeezed gently. “You’d better calm down,” he muttered.

Joshua drew a deep breath and pulled his hand away. “I know.”

“It’s all right. No one’s going to play any games with me right here.”

“You don’t know what it was like, James,” Joshua muttered. “I was so damn scared.”

“With your pretty face, you’re lucky they didn’t strip search you,” remarked James wryly, taking the slip and the pen from the woman. He braced it on the counter and handed Joshua the pen.

Joshua blinked at his brother in shock, but when James’ lips tilted a smile, Joshua relaxed a little. He scrawled his signature and gave his brother the pen. James smiled at the woman and handed her the slip, receiving Joshua’s card and the ticket in return. Then he took his brother’s elbow and led him out of line.

Joshua allowed James to guide him back to the rest of the band members. Elena met them and slipped in against Joshua’s side.

“Everything all right?” she asked, marking Joshua’s anxiety.

James smiled for her as well. “Great. We’re ready,” he said brightly.

Julian rolled his eyes, then led the way to the terminal. As they got in line before the metal detector, James leaned close to his brother. “Let me go first. Then you and Elena. Let Dominic guard your back. You don’t have any reason to suspect him, do you?”

Joshua cast a quick look at Elena. She was frowning. “No,” he said, shaking his head.

“Suspect him of what?” Elena asked.

“We’re just trying to keep Joshua from a strip search,” James remarked, elbowing Joshua in the ribs.

Joshua forced a tight smile and Elena relaxed beside him. She might not know the real reason he’d been pulled into interrogation, but he knew she didn’t want it to happen again.

Joshua almost bolted as they moved through the terminal. Putting his backpack on the conveyor belt, he stared at it so long, Dominic had to push him forward. He closed his eyes as he passed through metal detector and hunched his shoulders, waiting for an alarm to go off.

Elena pulled him close. “Are you all right?”

He nodded stiffly and followed his brother to the end of the conveyor. James grabbed his backpack for him. The plane was already boarding by the time they reached the terminal.

Joshua followed Elena and James onto the plane and sank into the middle seat. He could feel Dominic’s looming presence at his back. Being in a constant state of anxiety took its toll and Joshua was exhausted. He stared at the back of the seat, trying to calm himself, regulating his breathing. He hardly heard the announcements and only realized they were moving when the plane accelerated for the climb into the sky. Once they were air born, Joshua was able to relax a little. Leaning back against the headrest, he closed his eyes and let sleep drift over him.

* * *

His own moan of pain brought him awake. He blinked open his eyes and hissed as the light forced his pupils to contract. That set up a network of pain radiating to every part of him, every muscle, every nerve, every cell. He wanted to curl against it, but something prevented him from moving. Panic rose up where the pain left off. He tugged at the bonds on his wrists and tried to twist away.

“Easy, Josh,” came Adam’s voice in his ear and his big hand stroked the hair off Joshua’s forehead.

“Adam?” he managed in a hoarse voice. “I can’t move.”

“It’s all right. It’s just a precaution.”

“Precaution? Where’s my mother?” He closed his eyes against another wave of pain.

“Keep breathing, Josh. It’ll ease,” said Adam, stroking his hair again. “Your mother is sleeping in the chair next to you.”

“Why can’t I move?” he whispered.

Adam didn’t answer and Joshua forced open his eyes, turning to look at his stepfather. His vision was blurry, but Adam’s face looked haggard and drawn.

“What happened?”

“Things have been a little more complicated than we hoped, Josh.”

“Complicated?”

Adam nodded. “The withdrawal process put a strain on your kidneys. You went into kidney failure, but they treated you right away and your kidney function has been improving steadily.”

“Why can’t I move?”

“You had convulsions, Josh, hallucinations. The doctors couldn’t chance you might hurt yourself or others.”

Joshua tried to swallow. His throat ached, all of him ached. Even the roots of his hair were sensitive. “I hurt all over.”

“I know, son, but it’ll get better now. This is the first you’ve been lucid in a long time.”

A sick feeling pooled in Joshua’s stomach. “How long?”

“You’ve been out of it for more than a week,” answered Adam truthfully.

Joshua stared at him, frowning. “More than a week? I don’t remember any of it.”

Adam nodded.

“Have you been here all that time?”

“One of us has always been here, Josh. Most often your mother. It’s been impossible to get her to leave. We love you, boy. We want you to get well.”

Joshua felt his face heat with shame and hurt. He closed his eyes over the burn of tears. How could they love him? He’d done the unspeakable, failed them.

“Adam, I…” He didn’t have the words to express what he was feeling. “I shouldn’t be here.”

Adam mistook what he meant. “I know, son, but we’re going to get you well. It’s going to be all right, Joshua. We’ll get through this together.”

Joshua kept his eyes closed, but a tear leaked out under his lashes and rolled across his temple.

CHAPTER 16

The woman wore a mousey brown suit with matching brown shoes. Her hair was neatly cropped and curled around her face. Her eyes behind her glasses looked enormous, a chocolate brown with heavy lashes framing them.

She thrust her hand out at him and beamed a smile. “Hi, I’m Dr. Staddler and you must be Joshua.”

Joshua stared at her hand, but didn’t take it. The minute his mother had told him about the psychologist he was on the alert. Being tied to a hospital bed, being committed against his will – those were bad enough. Having some quack pry into his life was another issue entirely.

She tilted her head when he didn’t accept her hand, then swung it wide and motioned to her office. “Come in, please.”

Joshua rose slowly, watching her, and waited for her to enter before him. She walked briskly behind her desk and settled into the seat, clasping her hands in her lap. With an abrupt motion, she indicated the chair before her desk. It was black leather with a rounded back. Joshua warily sank into it, his hands gripping the curving arms.

“I’m pleased to meet you finally. I’m so glad you’re feeling well enough for a session.”

Joshua simply nodded.

She paused as if she’d expected him to say something, but when he didn’t, she picked up her good natured prattle. “Why don’t you tell me something about yourself, Joshua?”

His eyes drifted to the clock on the edge of the desk. The frantic spinning of the second hand distracted him. It seemed that strange, mundane things had the ability to hypnotize him now.

“Joshua?” she said with just a touch of annoyance, enough to make sure he knew who was running the show.

He blinked up at her. “What?”

“Tell me something about you. Who is Joshua Ravensong?”

He narrowed his eyes. “I don’t know.”

She sank back in her chair. Her expression changed from happily ditsy to whip-cracking serious. “I want this to be a good experience, Joshua, but we should establish some realities at the beginning. Counseling is a mandatory part of the rehabilitation program. Without it, the rate of relapse is alarmingly high. Therefore, we can do this easily or you can make me work at it, but it helps a lot more if you participate willingly.”

“Are you saying I can’t leave this hospital unless I spill my guts to you?”

“I’m saying that you can’t leave until you show me that you are ready to face the daily challenges of being a recovering drug addict.”

“So, I can’t leave until you say so?”

She drew a deep breath. “No, you can’t. You’ve been committed. Your parents have taken over legal responsibility for your life. That won’t be returned to you until you prove that you are able to handle it.”

Joshua stared at her, trying hard to still the sudden pounding of his heart. He felt light headed and nauseous. He supposed he’d known this, but he hadn’t really thought of the implications. It made him feel claustrophobic.

“Does that idea bother you?” she asked, narrowing her eyes on him.

He forced himself to shrug. He might have to divulge information that he’d rather keep private, but he didn’t have to let her see what he felt about it. “I guess it might bother any prisoner to know they are being held prisoner.”

“Do you feel you are ready to take control of your own life?”

He glanced at the clock again. “I guess not.”

“Why do you keep looking at the clock?” she asked.

“Trying to see how much time we have left. Don’t you operate by the hour?”

She smiled, but it wasn’t a pleasant smile. “I’m not like a typical counselor, Joshua. I deal with people who are facing life and death crises. We can take as long as I think is necessary.”

Joshua sank back in the chair with a grimace of pain. The muscles in his abdomen and back had begun their familiar spasm. His hands tightened on the chair arms so he could hide their trembling.

“Now,” she said, folding her hands beneath her chin, “tell me about yourself. What do you like to do? What are your passions in life?”

“I wasn’t lying to you,” he said miserably. “I don’t know anymore. I really don’t know who I am. I’ve forgotten how to live without the drugs.”

Her look grew sympathetic. He hated that almost as much as he hated her dominant role. “What about the music? Isn’t that still an important part of who you are?”

Joshua looked down. He honestly didn’t know. He hated the fact that the last few recordings had been done when he was high. He hadn’t heard them again, but he was afraid it would be obvious, at least to him.

“I just don’t know.”

She studied him a moment. He found he couldn’t meet her eye. “What about your family? They must be important to you.”

His eyes lifted and met hers. A shudder went through him. “My family?” He almost choked on the words.

“They love you dearly. I’ve never seen a family so focused on the welfare of one of their own the way they are.”

Joshua looked away. “You’ve got it wrong,” he said. “I destroyed any love they felt. All they see is what I’ve become, what I am. They look at me and they see an addict, a failure. And all I see is the pain I’ve caused them. It would have been easier for all of us if I hadn’t survived the car crash.”

“I don’t believe that. I’ve talked with them myself.”

“You’ve talked with them?”

“Of course. That’s part of the treatment. We have to know how much support the patient has outside of the hospital.”

Joshua grimaced. “So whatever I tell you will be reported to them?”

“Not at all. Everything you say here will be confidential… well, unless you tell me you intend yourself or anyone else harm. That I can’t keep secret.”

Joshua stared at the ground. God, he wanted to be anywhere else at this moment.

“Joshua, I need to know something and I need you to be honest with me.”

He slowly lifted his head. “What?”

“Did you really want to die when you drove your car into that tree?”

Joshua narrowed his eyes on her. “My family believes I lost control of the car.”

“I understand,” she responded. Then she leaned forward. “But this is just you and me. I’ve read the police report, Joshua. There was no sign you attempted to break, no skid marks, just a straight line through the lawn right up to the tree.” She paused and fixed him with a stare. “Did you really want to die?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“I already told you. I didn’t want my family to ever look at me that way again, as if they were staring at a stranger. I didn’t want to see that pain again.” He shook his head. “It would have been better for all of us if I died.”

“How? The grief would have been crippling for them.”

Joshua met her gaze. “But it would have ended. Eventually, they would have gone on with their lives and they would have forgotten. Now they can’t.” He eased forward in the chair. “When someone dies, you forget the bad things, you remember only the good. They would have remembered only the good. Now they have only the shame.”

Again her expression softened to sympathy. “I understand. And you still believe this?”

He nodded.

“That makes my job more difficult. Obviously, the suicide watch will continue.”

Joshua didn’t respond. He hadn’t realized he’d been on one, but it made sense. He didn’t much care either way.

She wrote something on the pad of paper in the middle of her desk. Joshua couldn’t read it from where he was, but he didn’t care about that either. She put her pen down and looked at him intently.

“Let’s talk about your father now.”

“Adam? What’s there to say? He’s the worst of them all. He was the one who was there when I first woke up, he’s been there every day since and I’m not even a blood relative. He took me in and he gave me a good life, and I repaid him by tearing his life apart. He’s not even working right now. He spends all of his time in this damn hospital.”

“Seems to me he wouldn’t be here if he didn’t want to be. I don’t think blood relations matter to him at all. I think he feels you are his son in every way possible.” She picked up a file on the edge of the desk and rifled through it. “Actually, I wasn’t asking about Adam. I was asking about your biological father, Ray Ravensong. The documentation I have here is alarming. Every time you’ve seen this man, he’s resorted to physical abuse.” She looked up at him, but Joshua’s eyes were riveted on the file. “Tell me about him, Joshua.”

“No,” he said.

She closed the file and lowered it. “No? Obviously, I’ve touched a nerve. This seems to be an important key to the puzzle.”

Joshua’s eyes lifted to her. “No, it isn’t. He isn’t to blame for my drug addiction. I am.”

“While I commend you for taking responsibility, you have to understand that child abuse can create a situation where the adult is more vulnerable to self-destructive behavior. It most certainly has a bearing on your own drug use.” She opened the file again and read from it. “And these attacks were brutal, Joshua. Concussions, broken ribs…broken pelvis? My god.”

Joshua shifted his attention to the clock again and watched the second hand go round and round.

“Your family feels it’s important. They shared with me that during all of the attacks, you never once fought back, you never once protected yourself. Why not?”

Joshua tried to drown out the sound of her voice. This was something he wasn’t going to open. Not for his freedom, not for his family. He wasn’t going to go here.

“Joshua? Talk to me. Tell me what you’re thinking.”

The second hand spun merrily on, never stopping, never slowing. He let his eyes go unfocused and allowed it to hypnotize him into a calmer state.

She gave an exhalation and closed the file. “Please don’t do this.”

He shut his eyes. “I’m tired. I just want to sleep.”

“That’s a sign of depression, Joshua. I can give you something to help with that.”

He opened his eyes and gave a bark of laughter. “Drugs? You’re going to give me drugs?”

“A controlled substance that I will carefully monitor.”

He laughed again. “Are you sure you have a degree in this?”

“Sarcasm is defensive. You’re trying to avoid the real issue.”

He sighed. “I don’t want your drugs. I just want to go back to my room. Please.”

She stared at him and he couldn’t read her expression. Finally, she sank back in her chair. “All right, Joshua. We’re done.”

* * *

Joshua stared out of the window in his room. He could see the street and the people walking by, going on with their lives, talking and laughing and enjoying their freedom.

He’d had seven sessions with Dr. Staddler so far. He knew the exact number. Each one was so painful and so long that he’d watched the clock spin obsessively. Not that being in this room was any better. He paced the length of it. He stared out of the window. He tried to watch TV, but nothing interested him. They brought him books and that gave him a few hours of relief. James had brought him a keyboard, but Joshua had left it on the table, walking wide around it whenever he had to pass by. He’d never so much as touched a key and he would never admit he wanted to, but knowing it was in the room caused a restless feeling to build inside of him. It was different from his usual restless feeling. He understood the other. The other feeling was longing, longing for the drug, a burning ache that never, ever went away. Even in sleep. Even in sleep, he was aware of the want for it.

“You have a visitor,” said the nurse at his back.

He sighed and turned, tensing himself for the pitying look one of his family members always gave him. What he saw instead was pure disgust. Ray stood in the doorway and looked him up and down.

Joshua felt a wash of fear and his gaze snapped to the nurse, but she was already leaving the room. He started toward the door, but Ray moved closer into the room and Joshua stopped abruptly.

“What are you doing here?”

“Visiting my drug addict of a son. I had to hear about it through the newspapers. Can you believe that? Your bitch of a mother couldn’t even call to tell me you’d almost killed yourself.”

Joshua knew his breathing had accelerated. “Get out.”

“Don’t talk to me like that. I’m not the one who screwed up your life. You did. You had everything you could ask for. Movies, record deals. How could you be so damn stupid?”

“I guess I inherited that from you.”

“I never became a drug addict.”

Joshua sneered. “No, you’re just a drunk.”

Ray’s face contorted and he took a step closer. “I’d be careful if I were you. I’ve always held a job, taken care of myself. I’ve never had to be committed for my own safety. What a loser!”

“Really? Well, we both know what you’ll be someday. Someday you’ll be a filthy bum, begging for food on street, dying in a gutter…”

Ray struck, just as Joshua knew he would. He belted Joshua on the side of the face, knocking him almost off his feet, then he struck again, connecting with his temple. Joshua’s legs crumpled and he dropped to his hands and knees. Black spots crowded his field of vision and he sank toward the ground, but a blow in his abdomen had him arching his back. He gasped for air, but his lungs wouldn’t contract. The next kick heaved him up and onto his side. His vision cleared enough for him to see the nurse throwing herself at Ray even as he aimed a kick at Joshua again. The blow glanced off his shoulder, knocking him back into the bed tray.

His abdomen spasmed and air rushed into his lungs, making him gasp in agony. White hot pain raced along every nerve and he could only lay where he’d fallen, staring up at the track lights in the ceiling overhead.

* * *

Joshua tried to hide how much it hurt to lower himself into her chair. She was watching him with a frown, her glasses curled in a fist. He wondered if she knew he’d provoked Ray and if she thought it was another attempt at suicide. He wasn’t sure why he’d done it himself, but he didn’t think it had been suicide driven. That was one way of dying he didn’t really relish.

Honestly, he suspected it was a test. Could he control himself when he was on edge all of the time? The need for the drug made him feel as if his temper was always raw. Could he take Ray’s beating and not retaliate? He had to know. How could he ever leave the hospital if he didn’t know?

“You look like hell,” she remarked.

He shrugged, then grimaced. Not a good idea. His ribs were still tender.

“I understand that you refuse to press charges against him?”

Joshua raised a brow, but didn’t respond.

“Why?”

“I don’t want to go to court. Seems hypocritical considering what I am.”

“Then defend yourself.”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“I can’t.”

“Everyone can. You don’t have to take that abuse. If you won’t put a permanent stop to it, you have every right to hit him back.”

“I can’t.”

She leaned on the desk and clasped her hands. “Please stop saying that. Why can’t you?”

“Because if I do, I’ll become him. If I defend myself one time, I will become him. I know it.”

She gave a sigh of understanding. “You think you’ll become an abuser?”

He nodded.

“It’s a true concern, Joshua, but it doesn’t have to be a reality.”

“How so?”

“Obviously, you’ve not given in to that impulse so far. I’m not suggesting you visit the same abuse on him, I’m just suggesting you defend yourself. There is a difference.”

“Not once the line has been crossed.”

She narrowed her eyes on him. “Are you saying you’ve never struck anyone? Never gotten into a fight, say in school?”

“I’ve never struck anyone, but I’ve been in plenty of fights.”

“You mean on the receiving end of them, right?”

He nodded again.

“How many? Did you get bullied often?”

He gave a bark of laughter. “I don’t know how many, but yeah, I got my share of bullying.”

“More than James?”

“You might say that.”

“Why? With your talent and looks…”

Joshua shook his head in grim amusement. “Funny thing that. There’s something about being prettier than half the girls that makes other boys want to beat the shit out of you.”

She opened his file again and flipped a few pages. “Is that the reason for all of the women? Did you think you had to prove yourself?”

He couldn’t help but smile. “No, I just like women. You aren’t very good at this, are you?”

“Again with the sarcasm.” But she was smiling. “You can be charming when you want, you know? How did things get this bad, Joshua? What happened?”

His smile fell away and he shook his head wearily. “I don’t know.”

She cocked her head in that look that said he was being difficult.

He wasn’t trying to be. “I’m serious,” he said, “You don’t even know when it’s happening. It all comes so quickly, you know? One minute we were playing birthday parties and the next, we were in Hollywood. We had a record deal and then there was modeling. After that, they offered me movie parts, small things at first, then larger. You’re going all hours of the day and late into the night. You get tired.”

“Go on,” she said, putting down her pen and glasses.

He shifted his weight in the chair, trying to ease the ache in his bruised ribs. “They offer you a pill to help wake you up, and you take it because you don’t want to seem ungrateful, but you can’t sleep that night, so they give you another pill to bring you down. Pretty soon, the pills take too long to work, so it’s a snort of this to get you up. The next thing you know, you’re sticking a needle in your arm and waiting for oblivion to take you. Towards the end, I was taking heroin just so I could sleep.”

“Who gave this to you?”

“The first was a movie producer and his assistant. After that, I got it on my own.”

“Will you give me the name of the producer?”

He braced his aching head with a hand. “You really want to see me dead, don’t you?”

“Of course not. What do you mean?”

Joshua studied her face for a moment, then sighed. “I’ll give you his name,” he said, realizing he didn’t care what the retribution might be.

* * *

Joshua watched the swans swimming in the lake, gliding back and forth with an effortless, lazy push of one leg or the other. He knew the scene was contrived, designed to make the hospital prisoners feel calm and serene, but it worked. He could sit here for hours, watching the swans glide past, listening to the lap of the water against the bank.

Since he’d been cooperating with Dr. Staddler, he’d been granted unlimited access to the grounds. He spent as much time out here as he could, hours on end, wandering aimlessly or just sitting and watching. The swans were his favorite, hypnotic in their grace, and for a short time, a very short time, they eased the nagging want of the drug.

His mind registered the person standing in front of him and he looked up, blinking to pull his thoughts back to the present. For a panic-stricken moment, he didn’t recognize her.

She was slight with long blond hair and large blue eyes. She had a pretty face, but she was looking him over as if he’d done something to offend her. Name? What was her name?
“Hello, Joshua,” she said.

“Hello.” He drew it out, trying frantically to remember who she was.

“Terry?” she supplied.

That was it. He gave a short nod.

“You look like shit,” she said, then tilted her head to see the side of his face. “You get hit by a truck or something.”

“Tree,” he answered. “Actually, I hit the tree.”

“You’ve been here almost two months. That’s still from the car accident?”

Joshua finally understood. “Oh, no, no, not that.”

She exhaled in exasperation. “God, what did you do, fry your brains?”

He shrugged. He didn’t think so, but he could get so distracted at times. Dr. Staddler told him that would fade. “Why are you here?”

“We need to talk.”

He frowned and his memory came back. He remembered who she was. “Do you have a disease or something?”

She gave him a very dissatisfied look. “No, amazingly you didn’t give me anything.” She took a seat beside him and he shifted so he could face her. “I need to know something and I need you to tell me the absolute truth. It’s important, Joshua.”

“All right.”
“Were you using when we were together?”

His frown deepened.

“Were you on the drugs then?” she rephrased.

Something about her question was destroying the calm he’d built. “Yes,” he answered.

“Shit!” She turned away from him and clasped her hands in her lap.

“Why?”

“I’m pregnant.”

She said it so casually, Joshua wasn’t sure he heard her right. “What?”

“I’m pregnant. You know, with a baby?”

“What?” For some reason he couldn’t think of any other words.

“I’m having a baby. Shit!” She stared over the lake. “What a mess!”

Joshua narrowed his eyes on her, trying to focus his wayward thoughts. “I don’t understand.”

She gave him a hateful look. “You got me pregnant, idiot!”

He wanted to dispute what she said, but his thoughts wouldn’t form into words. Time was difficult for him, especially in the hospital, but he should be able to pull it together. His eyes lowered to her stomach. He couldn’t tell anything from that. She wasn’t showing yet.

“You’ve really messed everything up,” she said. “Now I have to have a whole bunch of tests done.”

“Tests?”

She glared at him over her shoulder. “To see if it’s a retard or something.”

He flinched. “You’re going to have it?”

“Of course,” she sneered. “It’s my meal ticket.” She gave a laugh, then noting the look on his face, she rolled her eyes. “Besides, I don’t believe in abortion.”

“What if…what if there’s something wrong?”

She shrugged. “Guess you’d better pull yourself together and get out of here. If something’s wrong, we’re gonna need a lot of money.” She glanced at him from the corners of her eyes. “Better stop letting people use your pretty face for a punching bag.”

Joshua grimaced as the muscle spasms began – a tightening in his abdomen, circling around to the middle of his back. His flesh crawled as if ants were marching across his skin.

She didn’t notice his distress. “Shit! I sure wish you hadn’t been using. It would have been so much easier.” Pushing herself to her feet, she gave him an annoyed look. “If this kid is messed up, it’s all your fault.”

Joshua didn’t hear her leave. After awhile, he realized that the wind was picking up and he was shivering with cold. He unfolded himself from the bench and rose, turning away from the lake and heading to the hospital.

He knew he’d hurt his family with his drug use. That guilt was almost too much to take, but to know he might have caused permanent damage to an innocent person, a person incapable of protecting itself, he couldn’t wrap his mind around that.

He might eventually be able to make things right with his family, but he’d never make things right if the child turned out to be damaged. All his fault? Terry was right. He had done something unforgivable, something so bad there was no recovering from it.

Staring at himself in the mirror, he realized he didn’t know how he’d gotten into the bathroom. Sometimes there were great dark holes where his memory fell and never surfaced again. They were terrifying, this one especially.

He looked around the interior of the room, but they’d taken everything from him – belts, shoelaces, even the ties on his robe. His gaze rose again and focused on the face in the mirror. A muscle spasm stole his breath and left him clinging to the sink, his head bowed against it.

Dr. Staddler thought he could defend himself and not become his father, but he’d already done so. He’d already harmed the person he was supposed to protect. A choking rage rose inside of him and he struck the mirror with his fist. It splintered, chunks falling into the sink, pattering on the floor. He extended his hand and stared at the glass sticking out of his knuckles, the ribbon of blood dripping off his hand. A drop splattered on a piece of glass in the sink and he stared at it in fascination.

Slowly he rotated his arm until his wrist was turned up, then he reached for the glass in the sink. He knew which way to cut, slicing from the base of his palm toward his elbow. He didn’t even feel the pain over the agony from the muscle spasms.

Blood pooled in the wound, then overflowed, pulsing with each beat of his heart, gushing into the sink. He sliced the other wrist the same way, but already his head was getting light and his knees were shaking. He backed up a few steps and connected with the open door, then slid down the surface of it until he was sitting on the floor. Both wrists were pulsing with his heartbeat and he carefully laid them across his thighs and let his eyes fall closed.

The other pain had become distant and dull as a buzzing filled his head. He blinked when he heard someone call his name, then motion exploded all around him.

“Help!” came his brother’s voice and something was pressed onto his wrists. “Help me, please!”

He wanted to tell James to leave him alone, but he couldn’t make his mouth form the words. He tried to pull away, but his body wouldn’t respond, then the need to sleep became overwhelming.

* * *

“Talk to me, Joshua.” She’d had difficult patients before, but this one was proving harder than most. “Why did you try to kill yourself?”

He narrowed his dark eyes on her and looked through her. Sometimes he seemed so far away, so lost in his own mind. What a hell that must be!

“You said I wouldn’t become him, but I did.”

“Become him? Your father?”

“You said that I didn’t have to follow his path.”

She nodded. “I meant that. We all have choices we can make, Joshua.”

“But I did. I became him.”

She frowned. She knew there was a reason for his actions, but often she couldn’t trace the pattern. That’s what made him so dangerous to himself, he was so unpredictable and she was always a step behind. “You struck someone?”

He shook his head. “Worse. I damaged my own child.”

She leaned back in her chair and studied him. This is why she was never on pace with him. She never had all of the information. “I don’t think I understand. I didn’t know you had a child.” She flipped the pages of his file. “There’s nothing in here about it. Your family didn’t indicate anything.”

“They don’t know.”

“Ah,” she said. “How did you find out? Better yet, when did you find out?” The missing piece fell into place just as she spoke. “The day you slit your wrists?”

His eyes dropped to his bandaged wrists. She’d lost another week over this one. He’d been serious about it, cutting in the most damaging direction. And he might have been successful, if his brother hadn’t come in when he did. So much for suicide watch. She knew it was almost impossible to stop someone who was as determined as he was, but they should have made a better showing of it. His family had been equally outraged. She could still see the desperate, crippled look in his mother’s eyes.

“You had a visitor that day, right? A young woman?” She’d approved it herself, hoping that the woman would spark some sign of life in him, but it had done the opposite. She held herself responsible. She should have been more insistent on knowing what the visit was about before she approved it. “What did she tell you?”

“That she’s pregnant.”

At least he was giving the information without her dragging it from him. She gave a nod. “I see.”

“She wanted to know if I was using when we were together.” He looked at her, his eyes bleak. It scared her. “I was.”

“And she wanted to know why?”

“She said she had to have tests to see if the baby was damaged.” He closed his eyes and exhaled. “How can it not be? I was high all of the time.”

Dr. Staddler leaned forward in her chair. “That doesn’t necessarily mean anything. We still don’t know enough about fetal development, Joshua. The baby might be fine.”

“And it might not.”

She nodded. “It might not, but don’t you think it would want to have a father to help it face that?”

“One that caused the defect?”

“Even then, Joshua.” She drummed her fingers on the desk in worry. “I assume she intends to keep the baby no matter the outcome of the test.”

Joshua stared at her. “She said it was her meal ticket.”

Dr. Staddler grimaced. Great, another thing for her to try and mitigate. “You don’t seem irresponsible to me, Joshua. How could you take your own life, knowing someone else might need you?”

His expression crumbled. Such misery stared back at her that she felt her heart pick up speed. She’d seen this look before. Not all suicide was a cry for help. Sometimes the person really did want to die. Those were almost impossible to prevent.

“I can’t take anymore. I can’t stand to look at myself in the mirror. All I see is shame, such shame. It’s more than I can take. Everywhere I look I’ve caused unbearable pain. And now a baby?” He wrapped a bandaged arm around his stomach in an unconscious gesture. “I just can’t do this. I’m not strong enough.”

She came out of her chair and crossed around to him. Taking his free hand in hers, she squeezed it. “Yes, you can. You can do this. Let me help you. Let me carry some of this for awhile.”

He met her gaze. “You can’t,” he whispered.

CHAPTER 17

Elena studied Joshua. He was asleep in the seat across from her, his expression far from serene. Even in sleep, he was frowning and flinching at things she could only imagine. He wouldn’t give her much information about what was wrong, but it was starting to gnaw at her.

She’d confided in Kate, but Kate hadn’t been much help, telling her she didn’t know what to say. Kate didn’t approve of the relationship and thought Elena ought to cut her losses, that is until Elena told her she was in love with Ravensong and wasn’t about to walk away now.

In truth, Elena’s dedication surprised no one more than herself. No man had ever put her through as much doubt and confusion as Joshua, but it didn’t even cross her mind to leave. The way he clung to her in the night was enough to keep her here, knowing that whatever demons he faced, she gave him some level of comfort.

She heard the bus driver swear and glanced up as Elliot rose to his feet and peered out of the window next to her. She looked out as well. She couldn’t see the radio station, where the band was supposed to give an interview, due to the mob of people surrounding it. They filled the sidewalks and had even begun to move toward the bus as soon as they caught sight of it.

Elena stared in shock. The interview was supposed to be done in secret, the public not knowing the location until after it aired, but fans were converging on the bus, forcing it to crawl to a halt.

Elena reached over and touched James’ knee. He blinked open his eyes and squinted at her. She pointed out the window, where hands were beginning to appear, tapping against the glass.

“Holy shit!” he said, startling Joshua.

Joshua rubbed a hand over his face and then turned to the windows, leaning toward his brother for a better view.

“What the hell is this?” shouted Julian, hurrying from the back of the bus to the front.

“The station is surrounded,” remarked the bus driver, applying the brake. “I can’t even get close.”

Julian grabbed his cell phone and dialed frantically. Elena could see the flashing light of police cars as they crawled through the crowd. She could hear Julian speaking rapidly into the phone as the doors of the radio station opened and a figure, escorted by security guards, forced his way through the crowd and to the doors of the bus. The bus driver opened the door only long enough to allow him inside.

Julian slammed the phone shut and turned on him. “Are you Phillip?”

“Yes, and you must be Julian.” He held out his hand to shake, but Julian moved closer to him, speaking into his face.

“What the hell is this? We arranged a private interview with the band. No one was supposed to know about it until it aired.”

Phillip frowned at him. “Yesterday you called and said that Ravensong…” He paused and smiled at Joshua. “…was signing five hundred autographs and posing for pictures with each recipient.”

“What?”

Phillip’s frown deepened. “We started promoting yesterday afternoon. Honestly we didn’t expect it to be this big, but who are we to complain? We’re the most popular radio station in the city right now.”

The bus suddenly swayed and everyone grabbed for a hold. Joshua’s eyes whipped to the window and Elena could see the panic light in their dark depths. She reached over and took his hand, squeezing it.

“I don’t know what you’re playing at,” said Julian in his coolest voice, “but I would never have made such an arrangement. We don’t drawn attention to any band member over the others. If this is some gimmick…”

“Hold on a minute!” said Phillip. “I received your call myself. You made it very clear that you wanted a bigger promotion because you were getting ready to launch your European tour. Are you telling me that you aren’t going to honor our deal?”

“I’m telling you…” began Julian.

Joshua rose from his seat. “I’ll do it, Julian,” he said. His eyes shifted to Phillip. “Just get us into the studio safely. The band can give the interview, while I sign the autographs.”

“Five hundred?” said Elliot, turning on him.

Joshua shrugged.

“We want Ravensong in on the interview. That will reach a lot more than five hundred,” complained Phillip.

“That’s the deal,” said Joshua, casting an anxious glance at the window. The bus swayed again. “You’d better hurry and make up your mind. Someone’s liable to get hurt.”

The station manager didn’t seem happy about the arrangement, but when the bus swayed once more, he gave in. “All right, I agree, but I wouldn’t have made this arrangement if I’d known it would turn out this way.” He glanced at the security guards. “Let us get the situation contained and we’ll begin.” He left the bus surrounded by his men and forced his way through the crowd back into the building.

James pushed past his brother and advanced on Julian. “Are you sure you didn’t make this arrangement?”

Julian’s eyes bulged. “Really? Do you really think I’d want to draw this much attention to your brother? I’m pushing for the band to become more independent. Ask him yourself.”

Joshua pulled his brother back beside him. “I don’t think he did this, James. Not like this.”

“Damn right I didn’t. Besides that, we have a concert tonight. Do you know how long this is going to take?” He glared at Joshua. “You shouldn’t have agreed.”

“And risk a riot!” interrupted James. “Look out there.”

Julian rubbed his eyes in frustration. “This tour has been one fiasco after another. It’s like we’re operating under a curse.”

James’s gaze narrowed on him. “Exactly who knew about this interview? How many people did you tell?”

Julian shrugged. “Same as always know. The band, the station, and my assistant.”

“No one else?”

Julian shook his head. “Of course not. Who else would I tell?”

“What about your assistant? Is he trustworthy?”

A look crossed Julian’s face. “I think he is, but he’s new.” He glared at Elena now. She glared back at him. “Yeah, he’s trustworthy. Besides, this strange shit was happening before he came on board.”

“Until this tour is over, I suggest you keep these events as secret as possible. Don’t tell your assistant, don’t tell anyone but the band members in the privacy of your morning meetings. No one else.”

Julian considered that for a moment, then he nodded. “You’re probably right.”

“Here they come,” said Elliot, motioning out the window.

* * *

Joshua flexed his fingers and rubbed his palm. His mouth felt as stiff as his hand from smiling for so many pictures. He watched the last group press their way out of the door, fighting the crowd that still stood shoulder to shoulder outside.

Julian moved in front of him. “You’re done. Go back to the hotel and get some rest. You’ve got about two hours to take a nap.”

Joshua pushed himself to his feet. “What about sound check?”

“We’ll take care of that. The rest of the guys had the easier duty. Go on. We’ll cover for you. The studio has a limo waiting out back.”

“Take him up on it, Josh,” said James, steering Joshua toward the back door.

Joshua reached for Elena and pulled her beside him. He caught a glimpse of Elliot as they were led to the door and it was opened, revealing the waiting limo. He wanted to say something to the guitarist, but Dominic pressed him in the back and hurried him out and into the car.

He sank into the seat and was surprised when Elena took the spot opposite him again. He’d become used to her sitting at his side. He gave her a frown, but James moved into her place.

Once the limo began moving, Elena fixed Joshua with a stare. “I want to know why James is out here and I don’t want any more lies.”

Joshua exchanged a glance with his brother. James met the look, then gave a nod. Joshua didn’t really think it was the right time for this, but he could sense that if he didn’t tell her, he might lose her.

“I called James because Julian’s right. Strange things keep happening on this tour and it’s gotten to be more than I can handle.”

“Such as what?” she demanded.

Joshua hesitated. Like with James, if he told her, she would make her own conclusions. He couldn’t do anything about that. “The newspaper article was the first thing. Then the woman in the dressing room.”

Her head lifted in memory. After a moment, she nodded for him to continue.

He drew a deep breath and exhaled. His hands had begun trembling again and he clasped them to hide it, but James’ attention focus on that. He ignored his brother and fixed his gaze on Elena. “I got a package in the dressing room from a pharmaceutical company. It was an empty syringe.”

Her eyes widened, but she didn’t say anything. He wasn’t sure what that meant.

“When I researched it, they told me I ordered it, but I didn’t.”

“Go on,” she said in a tone he couldn’t read.

He shrugged. “Then Ray showed up at the concert. All these years and he shows up out of nowhere. The next day is when I got picked up at the airport.”

“I remember, but why?”

He grimaced. “I found a vial in my backpack filled with something. I panicked and ran to the bathroom to flush it down the toilet. I knew I couldn’t let it go through the x-ray machine, but airport security got suspicious anyway.”

She looked out of the window. He wanted to reach for her, but he resisted the impulse. She had to make the decision on her own. “That’s when you called your brother?”

“Yes.”

She looked back at him. “You could tell him, but not me?”

Joshua dropped his gaze. “Well, he is a cop, Elena. I thought he might be able to do a little investigating for me. I still think this is a prank, but it’s a pretty elaborate one and one I’d like to stop. I thought he might be able to turn up something with the pharmaceutical company.” He shared a look with his brother. “Besides, I needed someone who would believe me. Someone who knew what I was like when I was using and could tell I wasn’t using now. I know how it looks. Drug addict caught with a syringe or worse, a strange vial. I’m not exactly the poster boy for believability.”

Her expression softened and she reached over and covered his hands with her own. “That makes sense,” she said.

Joshua felt a swell of emotion inside of him. She believed him, and she understood the decision he’d made. He unclasped his hands and took hers, holding it tight.

“Shit,” muttered James beside him. He was staring out of the window.

Joshua leaned over and looked out as well. The hotel was surrounded by fans, waving signs and cheering when they caught sight of the limo.

“Someone on the inside is pulling these stunts,” said James. He shifted and met his brother’s anxious expression. “Just how angry is Elliot?”

“Elliot wouldn’t do this,” said Joshua. “He didn’t like the situation at the radio station anymore than I did.”

Elena cleared her throat. “There is a roadie. He tried out for Joshua’s job when Julian was trying to replace him. He’s made a lot of comments about Joshua in the past, talked to reporters even.”

“What’s his name?”

Elena grimaced. “Alec Something. Julian would probably know. I’ll point him out to you when I see him next.”

“He would have inside information and access to Joshua. I’ll get his name from Julian and run a background check.”

“How would a roadie have access to the pharmaceutical company, James?” asked Joshua. “I think I know which guy she’s talking about. He’s not capable of something this elaborate.”

“Then who, Josh?” James demanded.

Joshua closed his eyes. “I just don’t know, but I know it isn’t Elliot. It can’t be.”

* * *

Emily Staddler rose and shook hands with both James and his stepmother. “Thank you so much for coming.” She motioned to the chairs before her desk. “Please, take a seat.”

They settled, staring at her as if they were half-afraid of what she was going to say. She studied them in return. James was the polar opposite of his stepbrother – large to his small, light to his dark, his features blunt to Joshua’s more angular, finely hewn ones.

Mary, Joshua’s mother, was a pretty woman with silky black hair and a petite frame. She didn’t have her son’s perfection, but there was something in the eyes that was very familiar.

“I’m so glad you could come.”

Mary moved forward until she was sitting on the edge of her chair. “Why isn’t he getting better? You said he’d get better.”

“It takes time,” she said, trying for a comforting smile.

“Time? He’s getting worse. He tried to kill himself.” Her voice choked off in a half-sob. James put his arm around her shoulder, comforting her.

Emily was careful to keep her face neutral. Joshua had not wanted them to know about the previous suicide attempt. It made explaining this latest one more difficult. “Sometimes patients get worse before they get better, but that’s why I asked you both here.” She twirled her pen in her fingers nervously. They were not going to like what she was about to suggest. “Joshua is a difficult case. Most suicide attempts are no more than a cry for help. Joshua’s is not.”

She could see his mother curl in on herself, shrink and wither at the thought that her son might be beyond her saving. “Are you saying he wants to die?”

Emily nodded. “He thinks he does. He’s so ashamed of the harm he’s done to his family, and now with the baby’s health in jeopardy…it’s more than he can bear.”

“But he knows we love him, he knows we couldn’t stand to lose him.”

Emily gave her a sympathetic look. “Not really. He doesn’t see how you could possibly love him anymore, not after what he’s put you through. To be blunt, you’re a constant reminder of how he’s failed.”

“What are you saying?” said Mary, her voice rising. “You don’t want us to be around him anymore?”

James tightened his hold.

“Not at all, you are essential to his wellbeing whether he knows it or not. I just want you to understand what he’s feeling. If you left now, he’d believe you abandoned him because he’s brought you so much shame, but conversely, it hurts him to have you around.” She grimaced as she realized it wasn’t coming out as she wanted. “He’s in a very confusing place right now and that makes the situation even more dangerous. He doesn’t feel like he has anything to live for.”

“You mean his family isn’t enough?” Mary said. The pain in her expression was stark. Emily could see how hard that might be for Joshua to face.

She gave her a sympathetic smile. “Not right now,” she said. “He loves you dearly, but…”

“But he thinks we only see what he became, not who he is, right?” offered James.

Emily nodded. “He told me that himself. He said that if he died, you’d just remember the good, but the way it is now, you only see the bad.”

“He’s my son. I adore him and I can’t stand to see him hurt so much.”

“I know,” placated Emily. “But right now, he needs something else to give him the will to live, something that can’t feel shame.”

Mary frowned. “I don’t understand.”

Emily shifted her gaze to James. “He needs to play music again.”

“What?” Mary said.

“He needs to be part of a band, composing, singing, performing.”

“Are you insane? That’s how he got into this mess to start with. I don’t want him anywhere near that again,” she said.

Emily leaned forward. “It wasn’t the music. He started taking drugs when he was making movies. For him, the music is pure, sacred.”

“This is ridiculous.”

“Actually, she has a point,” offered James. “He hated that last track because he was high when we recorded it.”

Emily nodded. “Believe me, I know. Whenever I try to play it, he lapses into silence and I can’t bring him out of it.”

“I don’t like where this is going,” protested Mary.

Emily focused her attention on Mary. She understood what she was feeling. She would feel much the same way herself if it was her son, but she didn’t see the emptiness staring back at her the way Emily did.

“I think this is the only way we can save him,” she said frankly.

Mary turned to James, but James was staring at his hands. “James?”

James met his stepmother’s look. “I think she’s right.”

“Right?” Mary grabbed his arm. “If he goes back into that business, he’ll be exposed to drugs again.” She shifted and glared at Emily. “What kind of psychologist are you anyhow?”

Emily almost laughed, the statement was so like Joshua’s, even the disapproving look on her face was the duplicate of her son’s. “I’m the psychologist who doesn’t want to see this become any more tragic than it already has. When he sits in here, he drums on the arms of the chair – he doesn’t even realize he’s doing it. The nurses report that they catch him humming, and once one of them saw him playing the keyboard James brought him. It wasn’t turned on, but he was compressing the keys.” She leaned forward. “Do you ever see your son leaving this place, Mary?”

“Of course I do,” she answered, outraged.

“What do you see him doing? Surely you don’t see him sitting in your home day after day?”

“No.”

“Then what is he doing? What’s he equipped to do, Mary? Can he go to college? Is he the sort of person to sit in a classroom and listen to lectures? Can you see him doing that?”

Mary looked away.

“Then what else? Construction, auto mechanics? Would he be satisfied with any of those things? He has a baby to support now, and a child that may have special needs. Just how is he going to do that?”

“We’ll help him.”

“And he’ll be satisfied with that, Mary? He’ll be happy living at home, working odd jobs, and giving all of his pay to Terry?” She stared hard at the other woman. “What do you think the shame of that will do to him? What do you think inaction will do to a recovering drug addict, Mary?”

“Stop!” She bowed her head and closed her eyes. James put his arm around her again.

“I’m sorry,” said Emily. “I just want you to see it the way I do.”

“It seems so hopeless,” whispered Joshua’s mother. “I feel like I’m losing him every day.”

“I know, I know you do, but I think this is the answer. We’ve got to get him back doing what he loves. Even sick and high, he found a way to express himself through music. I’ve heard the CD. It’s brilliant, Mary. I know you don’t want to hear it and I know he hates it, but it’s brilliant, he’s brilliant. I really believe that music is the key to saving his life, and without it, I just don’t see any hope.”

Mary met Emily’s gaze and stared at her for a long time. Finally, she exhaled, a weary, wounded sound. “I don’t even know how we accomplish something like this.”

Emily sank back in her chair. “That’s why I asked James to come. I know that you’ve decided to leave the business and after all these months the other band members have moved on.”

“They didn’t have much choice. They’re also not equipped to do anything else.”

“I understand that, but what about another band? Are there any bands you know who would like to have his talent, his charisma? There must be some way you can get him an audition. There must be a band somewhere that needs a lead singer.”

James shook his head. “Do you know how difficult that’s going to be? His drug rehab has been posted all over the web and the news.”

Emily opened her desk drawer and reached for the CD. She tossed it onto the blotter in front of James. “I understand that, but we’ve got this. If you can get them to listen, they might take a chance on him.”

James reached for the CD and curled his fingers around it. “You might be right, but you’ve forgotten something else. Joshua isn’t going to go along. I don’t know how you’re going to get him to agree.”

“I’ll work on him,” she said with false brightness. She really had no idea how she was going to get him to agree either, but she’d figure out a way.

* * *

Joshua watched the swans meander lazily around the small pond. The last time he’d sat here was weeks and weeks ago before Terry had told him about the baby and he’d tried to kill himself. He turned his wrists over, pushed back his sleeves, and studied the raised, newly healed pink scars. When the shadow fell over him, he crossed his arms, hiding them, and leaned back on the bench.

“Hey, Josh,” said James.

Joshua blinked up into the sun, seeing his brother’s silhouette and that of Dr. Staddler. A touch of anger snaked through him and he wondered what secrets she’d been divulging to his family now.

“Can we talk to you for a minute, Joshua?” asked Dr. Staddler.

Joshua sighed. He was beginning to hate it when people said those words to him. There was no way it was good news. As if she guessed the direction of his thoughts, she hunkered down out of the sunlight and gave him a tight smile.

“We have some good news,” she said with false brightness.

He narrowed his eyes on her, but didn’t respond. No matter how hard he tried to dislike her, her perpetual cheer and genuine good will slipped under his defenses.

“Go on, James,” she said, squinting up at him.

James also hunkered down in front of him. Joshua frowned at him, pressing back into the bench. They were both acting so odd, he knew he wasn’t going to like what they said.

“I found a band in San Francisco. Four players right now – guitar, bass, keyboard and drums. They’re really good. Cool bluesy sound and some raw vocals. They’ve been playing some fairly large clubs and they just got a record deal.”

“I thought you were going into the police academy?”

James gave a jerky nod. “Yeah, next month. Anyway, the record company signed them with one stipulation. They had to get a defining sound for the band, one unifying voice…” He paused and glanced at the psychologist. “So they’ve been looking for a lead singer.”

Joshua was up and moving before James’ voice trailed away. He stepped between the two of them and started back for the hospital.

“Don’t walk away, Joshua,” said Dr. Staddler, but Joshua didn’t hesitate.

He’d just reached the steps when James said the one thing that could bring him back around. “They were really impressed with the Blazes CD. Actually, they were impressed with you – your voice.”

Joshua came to a halt and curled his hands into fists. He whirled around and advanced on his brother again. “You gave them that CD? You let them listen to it?”

James nodded. “They were impressed.”

“I hate that CD and you know it. How could you betray me like this?”

James flinched, but Dr. Staddler moved to his side. “I told him to do it. I gave it to him. Blame me.”

Joshua glared at her. “I’m not going to blame you. You got your bubblegum degree by collecting box tops, you don’t know anything.” She placed her hands on her hips in outrage, but he ignored her, focusing on his brother. “But you, you knew how I felt about this. How could you do this to me?”

“Because you need to get back into the music, Josh.”

“No, I don’t.”

“Yes, you do. It’s inside of you. Nothing else is going to make you happy. Nothing else has such meaning for you.”

Joshua went toe to toe with his brother. “You’re wrong. Nothing has meaning. Nothing has purpose. I ruined it all – even the music.”

“That’s not true, Josh. Listen to the CD. You’ll see what everyone else sees…hears. It was still there, even then, it was there.”

“Stop saying that! It was an addict’s nightmare. I don’t even remember doing half of it.” He took a step back and exhaled. “I can’t do it again. I can’t chance it again.”

“What’s there to chance? You know the music. You know how to create and play and perform.”

“Only when I’m high.”

“No, Josh, you did it for years before that. You can find that purity again. And this time, it can be better. You’ve got more experience, more knowledge, more maturity.” He came forward and grabbed his brother’s shoulders. “You can be in control, Josh, just like you’ve always wanted.”

“Besides,” said Dr. Staddler, “you now have a baby to support. How are you going to do that, Joshua?”

Joshua recoiled. He hadn’t thought about that. He tried to think of all the things he was good at and nothing came to mind. He’d never been a very good student, he couldn’t sit still in the desks, and he hated manual labor. The only thing he’d been good at was music. It was all he’d ever wanted, all he’d ever known.

“They’ve agreed to meet with you at the beginning of next week,” she said, reaching out and touching his arm. He knew she did it to ground him, but this time he didn’t focus on her. He was still trying to figure out what he could do for a living. “Just you and James will go. What do you say?”

Finally Joshua looked at her. He didn’t know what to say. He was too confused.

* * *

“They’ve got this really raw sound, Josh, pure, untamed.” James winked at him. “Not commercial in any way.”

Tall, grey buildings filled the street around them. Fog crept between them, sliding past like an ethereal snake. Joshua could smell the ocean, the salty tang and the unmistakable odor of seafood. He felt as if the fog closed him off, hid his anxiety from his brother and himself. He liked the anonymity of it.

“I think it’s your sort of sound.”

Joshua wanted to say he didn’t have a sound, not anymore, but that seemed too melodramatic and he was tired of being tragic. Still he couldn’t match his brother’s rabid enthusiasm. He was afraid.

He hadn’t played in so many months and he didn’t dare sing. Not a word, not a note. What if he couldn’t anymore? What if his voice wasn’t there? It had been so natural before, but he’d damaged so much in his body. What if he’d lost that too?

He rubbed a thumb across the raised scar on his wrist, then stopped when James’ gaze focused on it. Looking around, he let his brother’s prattle lull him into a hypnotic calm. He was a little surprised when James stopped at a non-descript door and reached for the knob.

“…and the guitarist is something, better than I ever dreamed of being…”

“James?”

James stopped talking and gave him a quizzical look.

“What the hell is this place?” he asked, looking up at the bland façade, the grey siding and the utility windows overhead. “It looks like a warehouse.”

“It is. This is where Avalanche practices.”

Joshua quirked a brow. “In a warehouse?”

James laughed. “They haven’t cut the record deal yet, Josh.” He shrugged. “It’s better than practicing in our parents’ basement.”

Joshua made a face. “If you say so?”

James laughed again and pulled open the door. They stepped through into a room that was only marginally brighter than the foggy day outside. A makeshift stage dominated the room and a few folding chairs were strung out before it. Joshua caught sight of the guitarist and bassist before two men approached them.

One moved faster than the others – a stout man with curly brown hair. He beamed at James and reached out, shaking his hand. “You must be James Connor, right?”

“Yeah,” said James, accepting the vigorous handshake. “And you’re David?”

“Sure am.” David’s eyes cut to Joshua. “And you’re Joshua Ravensong.”

Joshua accepted the hand offered to him, but he couldn’t speak. In fact, he couldn’t make himself move farther into the warehouse. James must have seen that he was ready to bolt because he put his arm around Joshua’s shoulder and pulled him to his side.

David motioned the second man forward. “This is my assistant manager, Julian Howard.”

Julian didn’t offer a hand. He ignored James and looked Joshua up and down over the rim of his glasses. “You’ve got the looks, all right, but can you duplicate the sound that we heard on the CD?”

Joshua flinched. He didn’t want to talk about the CD. James’ hand tightened on his shoulder. “I think my brother’s voice is an excellent match to your band.”

Julian finally looked at him, raising his brows.

David smiled. “I think so too. Come, meet the band,” he said, motioning toward the stage.

Joshua felt panic begin to edge toward the surface. He couldn’t make his legs move, and he folded his arms across his chest to hide the sudden trembling in his hands. This was too fast. He couldn’t do this, not like this. He was used to playing with his brother. He couldn’t even think about venturing out on his own, not now.

James could feel the tension in his body and David marked the panic in his eyes. He looked to James for help. James gave a forced laugh. “Maybe we can hear them perform first? Ease our way into this?”

David nodded. Cupping his hands around his mouth, he shouted at the band to play something. He continued to beam good cheer on both of them as they watched the band take position. Joshua felt Julian’s speculative gaze on him, but he refused to meet the challenge.

Then the music started. At first, all Joshua could think about was the desire to flee, but gradually the pulsing rhythm of the song seeped into his body and forced him to relax. He lost himself in the pleasure of it.

Sure, there were rough spots that could be smoothed out – he’d already decided what had to be done with that, and that guitar was badly in need of a tuning, but that didn’t negate the guitarist’s talent. He liked the harmonizing they did on the vocals, but he could see that they needed a lead singer, one dynamic voice to unify the varying threads. They hovered on the edge of brilliance. A small adjustment here and there, and they’d achieve it – especially if that guitar was in tune.

He wasn’t sure how much time passed, but he realized that for the first time in months, he felt calm. He didn’t feel the undercurrent of hunger that always lay beneath the surface, the constant itching of need for the drug. For a brief, beautiful moment, he felt whole again and sane. So damn sane.

Then they stopped.

“Take a break,” David said, turning to James, who gushed profusely at the performance.

Joshua hardly heard them, he was focused on the guitarist. While the others had disappeared toward a table covered in sweets and drinks, he’d taken a seat on a stool and was messing with the guitar. He’d turned the amplifier down low, but Joshua could feel the vibration of it from where he stood.

He moved toward him, drawn by the music, unable to stop himself. He climbed up the steps onto the stage and stopped before him. The guitarist looked up and smiled. He had shaggy brown hair and a wicked grin. With one hand, he gripped the neck of the guitar and offered the other to Joshua.

“Elliot Evans,” he said.

Joshua gave him his own hand. “Joshua Ravensong.”

“I know,” he remarked with another wicked smile. He released Joshua and plucked a few strings on the guitar.

“You know it’s out of tune, right?”

Elliot laughed. “Yeah, but that’s not one of my talents. I hate that fussy work and this baby is fussy.”

Joshua’s eyes were fixed on the instrument and he spoke without realizing what he was going to say. “Can I try?”

“Sure,” said Elliot, slinging it over his head and holding it out to Joshua. “Here, take my seat.”

Joshua’s eyes shot to his face and he took a step back. He hadn’t meant to be so bold. In fact, he never meant to touch a guitar again. Still, he couldn’t help reaching for this one, and once it was in his hands, it was natural to lean against the stool and let his fingers wander over the strings.

“This is a beautiful instrument.”

“Yeah, I didn’t eat for six months just so I could have her.”

Joshua smiled even as he began tuning it. It felt so right under his fingers, as if he’d never given it up. Again, he lost track of time, but finally the guitar was in tune.

“Damn, you’re good,” breathed Elliot. He pulled a music stand close. “Here, test it out. Play this.”

Joshua glanced at the music. It was one of the songs he’d heard them play not long ago. He could call up the melody in his mind, play it back to himself like a recording. Nothing had happened to his musical memory.

He played, the whisper of his fingers over the strings like the touch of fine silk.

“Hold on. Play this part again,” said Elliot, pointing to a spot on the score.

Joshua’s head jerked up and he stared at the score, realizing what he’d done. He hadn’t been reading the music. He’d been playing it the way he thought it ought to be played in his own mind, not the way they’d written it down.

He held out the guitar to Elliot. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to do that.” You just didn’t change another artist’s work like that without his permission.

Elliot pushed the guitar back into his hands, shaking his head. “No, play it again for me. The way you just did.”

Joshua’s frantic eyes searched the music, trying to read the notes, but his heart was pounding too fast for him to concentrate. All he could hear was the way he’d wanted to play it, fix it, make it his own.

As if he understood, Elliot turned the score over and forced Joshua to meet his gaze. “Play it for me, please. Just the way you did before. I’ve always thought something wasn’t right in that part of the song, but I couldn’t pin it down. You did. Please, play it for me.”

There was no anger or challenge in Elliot’s expression or voice. So Joshua played – he played the music that kept echoing in his mind the way he’d wanted to hear it in the first place.

Elliot took a step back, shaking his head. “I’ve never seen anyone do that before. You write lyrics too?”

Joshua could only nod.

“Okay,” said Elliot with a broad smile. He flipped the score over and showed Joshua the lyrics. “Help me with this part of it. I don’t like the way the words flow with the rhythm.”

It didn’t take long before Joshua lost himself in the task. In fact, he enjoyed it so much, he found himself laughing, something he couldn’t remember doing for so long. The other band members came back to the stage and introduced themselves, but Joshua’s attention was completely captivated by the score in front of him. Elliot got another guitar and together they worked through the song, polishing and perfecting every word, every chord, every note.

“Okay,” said Elliot finally. “Let’s play this through once and see how it goes. You take the vocals, Joshua.”

Joshua’s smile faded and his heart leaped into his throat. He looked out, searching for his brother and found him sitting in one of the metal chairs with David and Julian. He sat forward when Joshua made eye contact, his posture becoming alert.

“Ready?” asked Elliot, noting his change in demeanor.

Joshua shook his head. “I can’t.”

“What?”

Joshua put the guitar on the stand and rose to his feet. “I can’t. I can’t do that.”

“We’ll just run through it one time.”

A spasm of pain snaked through Joshua’s body and he wrapped his arm around his stomach. He could feel the immediate claws of need sink into him, evaporating the euphoria of the last few hours.

“No,” he heard himself say. “I can’t sing it.” Focusing his attention on the door, he headed for it, ignoring everyone else around him. He had to get outside into the fresh air. He had to get away from this room.

“Josh?” called James in alarm.

“Oh great, David,” he heard Julian’s voice at his back. “Just what we need. A head-case.”

Joshua didn’t hear anymore, he just escaped into the foggy oblivion beyond the rehearsal studio.

CHAPTER 18

Paparazzi filled the hotel lobby, converging on Joshua and his entourage the moment they left the elevator. For a moment, they separated Joshua from his brother. James shoved them aside, trying to get to him, but they pushed back. Dominic had no problem getting physical. He dropped his shoulders and muscled them, pressing in front of Joshua and Elena. Even so, cameras snapped and questions flew at Joshua so rapidly, he couldn’t have answered them if he wanted.

“Is it true the band is breaking-up?”

“Why are you and Elliot Evans not speaking?”

“Are you planning a solo career?”

And most insidious of all, over and over again: “How are you feeling? How are you feeling?”

Joshua lowered his eyes and tightened his hold on Elena. She curled into his side and tried to hide her own face. James finally pushed through, taking his arm. “Keep moving,” he ordered, shoving forward, but Joshua sensed the panic rising inside of himself.

They pelted him with questions. Most of them about Elliot. Joshua closed his eyes and tried to calm himself. He could feel the small, nagging tug of pain in his mid-back and abdomen, reminders of a time when pain was a part of his life. It worried him. He hadn’t felt this distinctive pain in so many years, but lately it had been reoccurring.

Just when he knew he couldn’t take anymore, Elliot was suddenly beside him, moving into the spot that James had occupied. He wrapped his arm around Joshua’s shoulders and glared the paparazzi down.

The questions picked up intensity, some of the reporters shoving microphones in both of their faces. Elliot didn’t seem alarmed by any of it. “If you’d stop shouting, we might be able to answer you one at a time.”

“Are you and Ravensong on the outs?”

Elliot smiled at Joshua. “Are we on the outs? Shit, people, you need a story that bad? Hell no. We’ve been tight since day one.”

“Is the band breaking up?”

“We’re playing to sold-out stadiums every night. Why would we do something that stupid?”

“We’ve heard that Ravensong isn’t going to tour Europe with you?”

Elliot dramatically leaned away from Joshua and gave him a funny look. “Really? Got other hot plans?”

Joshua gave him a tight smile. Gradually Elliot was moving them toward the doors of the hotel, using Dominic as a wedge to force the way.

“Rumors have it that Joshua isn’t well. Is that true, Joshua? What’s wrong?”

“You know better than to listen to rumors. Hell, you people make them up. Come on now. Have you seen this man perform? Give me a flippin’ break.”

Dominic bodily shoved two reporters aside and threw open the glass door. Joshua could see the limo waiting in front of them, the side door opened and flanked by security guards. Lot of good it did them now.

“Go!” said Elliot, shoving Joshua and Elena forward. They ran for the limo and threw themselves inside, sliding over to make room for James and Elliot. Dominic slammed the door shut behind them, but the paparazzi were there, banging on the windows and trying the door handles. Dominic climbed into the passenger side and closed the door, motioning for the driver to pull away.

Joshua turned around and watched the paparazzi fill the street behind it as the limo left the hotel parking lot. He drew a deep breath and slumped in the seat. Elliot was staring at him and he realized that he was looking at his hands. They were shaking badly. Joshua folded his arms across his chest and hid them.

“You all right?”

Joshua nodded. “Thanks for that.”

Elliot shrugged. “Didn’t want to be late for sound check.” Without another word, he turned to the window and stared out, effectively signaling to Joshua that the conversation had ended.

Joshua didn’t want to be hurt by Elliot anymore, but he was. Elliot was always capable of expansive gestures like this, but Joshua had never experienced the other side of him – the side that could so effectively shut him out.

* * *

James stared at the back of Dominic’s head, trying to ignore the tension in the limo. Elliot was staring out the window and Joshua was slumped in the seat, his eyes shut. Elena exchanged a quick glance with him, then shifted uncomfortably, looking out the window herself.

James chewed on his inner lip. Joshua had first thought Julian was behind the pranks, but he’d changed his mind. James had been inclined to suspect Elliot, but after Elliot had rescued them today, he wasn’t sure. And he had no other suspects.

He’d asked for help investigating the pharmaceutical company, BPI, but that hadn’t turned up any information except that Joshua had ordered the syringe himself. They were trying to dig deeper into that one, but BPI was being difficult. James wanted to believe his brother and some part of him did, but Joshua had lied to him before. And yet, he didn’t act like he was using. He didn’t have that glazed look in his eyes, that distant, dreamy quality to his demeanor.

Truthfully, he was acting more like he had right after he came off the drugs –shaky and nervous, sick with withdrawal symptoms and the after-effects of kidney failure. James was more worried than he let on. He really thought he ought to call his father and tell him about Joshua’s symptoms, but he’d promised Joshua he wouldn’t do that just yet, and he really hated to worry his parents before he had more to go on.

Then there was the fact that something strange was happening. He might be able to blame the syringe and the vial on Joshua, even if Joshua didn’t remember getting either one (he’d experienced black-outs before), but he couldn’t explain the crowd at the radio station or the paparazzi at the hotel. He’d made it clear to Julian that the band’s plans had to remain secret. Someone was leaking the information to the public. He’d been sure it was Elliot, but now he wasn’t and he had no other leads to follow.

The limo pulled up behind the stadium and a huge contingent of security converged on it. Joshua opened his eyes and sat forward, wrapping an arm around his stomach and grimacing in obvious pain. James felt for the phone in his pocket. Eventually he was going to have to consult with his father. Joshua was getting worse.

The door opened and Joshua stepped out. He was immediately surrounded by security and escorted toward the stadium. Elena followed him. James started to climb out, but Elliot placed a hand on his arm, stopping him.

“He looks like hell, James. What’s going on?”

James shrugged. “I was just thinking that I need to call my dad and ask him.”

“But something’s going on, isn’t it? What happened at the airport?”

James studied Elliot’s face. He saw only concern there. “Someone’s playing some really nasty, dangerous pranks on him.”

“Like what?”

James took a chance. He listed every prank just as Joshua had told him.

Elliot’s eyes widened. “Who would do something like this?”

“I wish I knew,” said James, shaking his head. “But it’s only getting worse. The more tired he gets from the tour, the less he’s able to cope and these pranks are hitting him harder and harder.”

“What about Julian?” asked Elliot.

James shrugged again. “He’s still a suspect in my book, but Joshua doesn’t think so. He rescued him at the airport and he was furious when Ray showed up and messed up Josh’s face.”

“What if you can’t figure out who’s doing it?”

“I don’t know. I know he wants to finish the tour, but you can see how sick he looks. His hands are shaking and he’s not sleeping. He’s going to have a relapse if this doesn’t end.”

Elliot didn’t answer. He looked away with a worried expression.

James took another chance. “This thing between you isn’t helping. You know how much he relies on you, Elliot. You’ve been friends for years. Why does it have to be like this?”

Elliot sighed. “I wish it wasn’t, James. Especially now, but it’s gone on so long, both of us pissing on each other, that I don’t know how to end it.”

“That’s pretty damn stupid, El, and you know it.”

Elliot shook his head. “Yeah, then tell me how to end it because I just don’t know how. It’s like we’re standing on the other side of a canyon from each other and I can’t find the bridge.”

* * *

Elliot could tell Ravensong was about to bolt again. His eyes took on a wild look and he started glancing around, refusing to make eye contact. Man, he was a mess, but he was so damn talented. Avalanche needed that brilliance. And Elliot knew a charismatic performer lurked beneath the hunted exterior of this man.

He pushed himself off his stool and moved in his direction, brushing by Julian. He didn’t want the assistant manager to get there first. Maybe if he could make eye contact, he could get him to stay.

“Hey, Josh, welcome back,” he said brightly, holding out his hand.

Ravensong accepted it, his eyes roving over the other band members on stage and the two managers. Elliot stepped into his line of sight and forced him to focus. “I’m glad you’re here. I’ve got some stuff to show you.”

He glanced at Joshua’s brother and held out his hand. “Elliot Evans. Didn’t get a chance to meet you yesterday.”

“James Conner,” he said. He was big and blond and the opposite to Ravensong. “You’re one hell of a guitarist.”

Elliot beamed. “You play a mean axe yourself. I heard you on the CD.”

He caught the reaction of Ravensong from the corner of his eyes. Okay, don’t talk about the CD. Man, this guy was flighty as a new colt. He turned the smile on Joshua. They didn’t need a guitarist, they needed a lead singer, a performer, and a composer. He needed a guitar tuner and this guy did it better than anyone else he’d found.

Glancing over his shoulder, he could see Julian and David gearing themselves up to take over the situation. Elliot didn’t want that. He wanted some time to tame Joshua before the others started putting on pressure.

“Come on,” he said, motioning toward his stool. “I have some rough tunes penned down and I wanted to run them by you. I brought an extra guitar today.” He started walking, not waiting to see if Joshua would follow. Soon, however, he saw Joshua keeping pace with him from the corner of his eyes.

He motioned Joshua to the stool. “Take a seat.”

Joshua hesitated, staring at the stool as if he thought it would bite him.

Instinctively Elliot placed his hand on Joshua’s shoulder. “It hasn’t snapped at me yet,” he said with a laugh.

Joshua grimaced. “Sorry. It’s just…” His voice trailed off.

Elliot again moved into his line of sight. “Talk to me. It’s just what?”

Joshua faced him. “I haven’t done this in so long, I’m not sure I can anymore.”

Elliot shrugged. “Seems to me you did quite a bit yesterday. Polished that song and made it ready for recording. That’s all I want you to do today.”

Joshua’s gaze rose to David and Julian. “But if this is going to work, I have to do more than just compose.”

“We don’t have to go there right this minute. Ease into it.” He moved into Joshua’s line of sight again. “You hear me, ease into it.”

Joshua fixed his gaze on him. Finally, he nodded. “All right.”

Elliot grabbed another stool, passed his second best guitar to Joshua, and picked up his own. They went over the rough melodies Elliot had scribbled down and Joshua worked his magic. When they were ready to turn to the lyrics, Elliot thought Joshua might be ready to bring Robert in for collaboration.

Writing lyrics forced them all to sing parts of the songs as they played the melody behind it. Joshua resisted at first, but when he couldn’t communicate what he wanted, he was forced to sing it himself.

Elliot beamed at his fellow band members. Joshua’s voice was just like the voice on the CD and that voice had possessed a range that Elliot admired. On the CD, Joshua had gone from a gritty blues sound to a powerful vocal that any gospel singer would envy. If the song required a softer touch, Joshua could smooth out his tone until it was like velvet.

After a quick break for lunch, Elliot coaxed Joshua into playing the first song they’d worked on with the entire band. The song had been written for one guitar, but a few adjustments allowed Joshua to remain seated on the stool, playing backup to Elliot’s lead. Elliot brought a microphone stand in front of Joshua and hooked the music stand with his foot, so he could easily see the music.

Only Joshua’s brother and the two managers were seated in the chairs before the stage. Other hangers-on, roadies and assistants, were milling around in the back of the warehouse. Elliot hoped the low-key situation would allow Joshua to gain a little of his confidence back.

“This is just for practice. Let’s just see how the song plays, see how our voices blend, okay?” He spoke to the whole band, but he was mainly speaking to Joshua.

Joshua didn’t respond, staring obsessively at the music on the stand. Elliot wasn’t sure whether he would play with them, but he knew they had to take the next step if this was going to work. They didn’t have the time to bring Joshua along more slowly. The recording studio wanted a date for their first session, and they wanted it yesterday.

He began the countdown from five and turned his attention to the song. The introduction went smoothly. Joshua was very good on the guitar, almost as good as Elliot himself, but Elliot didn’t want to spend much time thinking about that. They needed Joshua to sing.

He realized his heart was beating as they neared the beginning of the vocals. If Joshua couldn’t take the lead, even in rehearsal, this was never going to work. Elliot knew he’d be disappointed. He could already see what Joshua might bring to Avalanche. Then the moment was upon them. Elliot realized they were all staring at Joshua, holding their breath to see what he would do.

He closed his eyes, leaned forward, and sang.

His smoky voice belted out the lyrics with the skill of a veteran blues’ singer. Elliot felt a chill snake up his spine. Ralph shot him an appreciative look, his brows climbing nearly to his hairline. The three men in the audience sat forward, clearly enchanted.

When the harmony arrived, Elliot noted that their voices blended with Joshua’s, but didn’t overpower it. Nothing could overpower that sweet, soulful sound. Elliot was envious. He loved the guitar more than anything, but to be his own instrument would be so satisfying. He studied Joshua and couldn’t understand how someone with such talent had fallen off the tracks.

Once he was in the middle of the song, Joshua forgot the anxiety that had made his shoulders tense and he clearly gave himself up to the music. He wasn’t even aware that the roadies and assistants were moving toward the stage, gathering behind the three men in the chairs. But Elliot saw them. He saw them swaying to the music, nodding their heads to the rhythm, and Elliot knew they had found their commercial sound. This was a sound that would sell records, but also allow the band members to keep their own musical integrity. It was a perfect compromise and Joshua’s voice was the key.

As the song trailed off, the small crowd erupted in enthusiastic applause. Elliot watched warily as Joshua’s eyes snapped open and stared at the applauding people with an unreadable expression.

Taking a risk, Elliot launched into the next song, hoping the others would pick up his lead. They did, but Joshua was looking at him in confusion. Keep going, he mouthed.

Panic flared in his eyes, but he reached for the score on the stand and pulled it to the front. They hadn’t written a second guitar part, so he was forced into the vocal position. With the skills of a true performer, he shifted into his role and his voice filled the warehouse.

Elliot breathed a sigh of relief. They had a lead singer.

* * *

“Your first concert with Avalanche. How does it feel?” laughed David. “We’ve got a packed house tonight.”

Joshua forced a smile for David’s benefit, but he felt like he was going to be sick. It was one thing to play for managers and roadies, but these people had paid to see a performance.

He crept to the edge of the stage and peered out. The floor was covered with pulsing, swaying bodies. A cold feeling rushed over him, making him light headed. He couldn’t do this. Not now. He didn’t remember how. If he went on stage now, he knew his voice would desert him and it wouldn’t be enough to stand behind the microphone. A real audience would expect him to move.

He swung away from the stage and came face to face with the other band members. Their happy expressions shifted and they gave him concerned looks. Joshua pushed between them, headed for the back door, but suddenly Elliot jumped around in front of him.

“Whoa! Hold up a minute.” He placed his hands on Joshua’s shoulders and brought him to a halt. “Where are you going?”

“I can’t do it,” said Joshua breathlessly. His heart was pounding like a hammer. “I can’t go out there.”

Elliot drew him closer and forced him to focus on his eyes. “You can. Just like rehearsal. Just go out there, close your eyes, and sing, Josh. That’s all.”

Joshua shook his head. “I can’t, El. Not this. It’s too soon.”

“It’s been more than eight months, Josh. It’s not too soon. They’re gonna go crazy for you, for the music. I promise you. Besides, we’ll all be there with you. You’re not alone.”

Joshua forced himself to slow his breathing. Elliot turned him around and faced him toward the stage. “Once you get through the first song, you’ll be fine. I promise you. If not, you can kick my ass after the show.”

A laugh escaped him and he suddenly found himself at the edge of the stage. Without hesitation, Elliot drew him right into the bright lights and the screaming of the fans.

* * *

The crowd surged to their feet, screaming and stomping as Avalanche finished the encore. The reverberation of the guitars was still echoing around the stadium. Sliding the microphone into the stand, Joshua moved to the edge of the stage beside Ralph and Michael. Michael threw his arm around Joshua’s shoulders and they took a bow together.

Glancing at Elliot from the corner of his eyes, he remembered that first show and how Elliot had kept him grounded, kept him from fleeing. When they took their bows that night, Elliot had pulled him close and said, “Like riding a bicycle.” Joshua remembered the thrill of it. Of performing again, of bringing people to a frenzy of uninhibited joy like only music could do. Much of his love for performing came from Elliot’s love of it.

He grimaced in pain as he and Michael rose from their bow. The people were still screaming and stomping and wanting another encore. Turning, he headed back stage with Michael and Ralph. Roadies met them with towels.

Joshua grabbed one and pressed it against his face. “Water?” he asked, moving toward his brother and Elena.

Still the crowd roared.

He made it to the wings and leaned heavily against the wall. James and Elena both converged on him, studying him with obvious concern. The roadie handed him an open bottle and he lifted it to his mouth, letting the blessedly cool liquid slide down his throat.

“You okay?” asked James, griping his upper arm.

Joshua lowered the water and nodded at him, but James was looking at his hand. Joshua looked down and realized his hands were shaking again.

“Josh, I think we need to have you checked out by a doctor,” said James over the roar of the audience.

Elliot moved toward him, but Julian shoved his way into the center of the group. “Let’s give them another encore.”

Elliot’s gaze met Joshua’s and he turned to Julian. “No more, Julian. I’m exhausted.”

“Just one more. Listen to that.” He threw his hand out toward the stage. “You can’t deny that.”

“I’m too tired,” said Elliot firmly. “Tell them to bring the house lights up.”

Joshua pushed away from the wall and handed the water bottle to his brother. “I’ll do it, El,” he said. His legs felt rubbery, but he could force out another couple of songs.

“Josh?” scolded James.

Elena looked miserable.

“I’m all right,” he said, then moved toward the edge of the stage.

A spasm of pain took him in the middle of the back and made him stagger. He grabbed the stage support. Elliot was at his side, holding him up as his legs threatened to buckle.

“He needs a doctor,” he said to Julian.

Joshua sucked in a ragged breath and straightened. He pushed away from the support. “I’m fine. Muscle cramp,” he gritted out and walked onto the stage. The spotlight wheeled around and picked him up immediately.

* * *

Joshua cast a look around the room. It was crowded with worried people, staring at him as the doctor wrote out a prescription and handed it to Elena.

“It’s just a kidney infection. This’ll take care of it and put him right again within a few days.”

Elena accepted the paper, but her gaze was fixed on Joshua. Joshua wished everyone hadn’t felt it was their right to hear the diagnosis. He moved stiffly to the chair Ralph vacated for him and sank into it.

James turned to Julian. “Cancel tomorrow night’s concert.”

Julian’s eyes nearly popped out of his head. “We’ve already canceled too many nights. I’m not canceling another. God, we look like amateurs as it is.”

“I don’t care. He can’t perform,” said James going toe to toe with the manager.

“Well, I’m not canceling anything else,” said Julian in return.

“Stop it!” said Joshua. “I’ll be fine tomorrow.”

James whirled to face him. “Damn it, Joshua, look at yourself. You can hardly walk.”

“As soon as I get some of the antibiotics in me, I’ll be fine.”

Julian snapped a hand out to Elena. “Give it here.” She handed it over in bewilderment, but Julian simply held it out to Brian, his assistant. “Go have this filled.”

“Where?” asked the kid. “It’s midnight.”

“Do I care? Find some place. That’s your job.”

Joshua felt bad for the boy as he took the paper and gave a grunt of disgust, walking away, but he was too sick to stop him. Honestly, he was afraid there was something more wrong with him than just a simple kidney infection, but he wasn’t going to say anything now.

Elliot shifted weight. “I think we should cancel the rest of the tour.” His gaze rose and fixed on James.

Joshua frowned. What the hell was that all about? Had they been talking? Joshua didn’t want anyone else beside his brother and Elena knowing what was happening.

James nodded. “I agree.”

“Well, you have no authority here,” sneered Julian. “You’re lucky we tolerate you at all.”

Elena pushed through to Joshua’s side. “Let’s go back to the hotel,” she told him, taking his arm.

He was so tired, he couldn’t protest. He let her help him to his feet and support him with her shoulder. Wrapping his arm around her, he pulled her tight against him. God, he loved this woman. Her understanding meant more than anything to him.

Joshua shot a look at Julian. “We’re not canceling the tour or the concert tomorrow night, but I am going back to the hotel to sleep. I won’t be at sound check tomorrow.” He shifted his attention to his brother. “Are you coming?”

“In a little while,” said James, a belligerent look on his face.

“Let it go, James,” said Joshua tiredly.

“Don’t you worry about me. Just go to sleep. I’ll get the prescription and bring it to you as soon as it arrives.”

Joshua nodded reluctantly and let Elena lead him from the stadium.

* * *

Elena watched Joshua belt through the list of songs. He wasn’t moving as much as usual, but the audience didn’t seem to mind. He’d slept all night and most of the day. He’d told her he was much better and ready to perform. He had looked a bit better, but there were still dark circles under his eyes and he moved as if it hurt him.

Elena thought they ought to take him to a hospital whether he wanted to go or not, but when she’d made the suggestion to James, he’d told her to be careful about what she said to Joshua. Once before Joshua had been hospitalized against his will. Joshua had told the entire family it would never happen again. They didn’t push him on it, they didn’t want to have him drift away from them.

As the concert progressed, though, he seemed to weaken. He didn’t come backstage during the solos; he leaned against Michael’s drum stand, as if that much walking was difficult. Elena knew something was very wrong.

She turned to James. “This needs to end. We’ve got to get him to another doctor.”

Julian rolled his eyes and moved to the edge of the stage, peering out.

James glanced between the two of them, then fixed his focus on his brother. Suddenly his phone rang and he reached into his pocket for it. Snapping it open, he placed it to his ear.

“Hello?” he said.

Elena looked away in aggravation. They needed to do something and soon. Joshua wasn’t going to be able to finish this tour, not this way.

“Yes, this is Officer Connor,” said James. “Yes, go on. I can talk.”

Elena’s attention was pulled from the show. James turned his back and walked away from the stage where he could hear over the music. By the cast of his shoulders and the way he was listening, she knew the person on the phone had important information.

She followed James to where he waited, moving around in front of him so he would know she was listening. James’ expression was serious, his eyes narrowed in concentration.

The next few minutes were filled with a heated exchange between the person on the phone and James. Elena found her attention divided between Joshua’s brother and the band. The last song had come to an end and they were headed backstage.

She glanced at James one last time, moving toward Joshua, but his next words brought her up short.

“Shit! Are you sure?”

Elena turned and looked at him. He was staring at her with loathing. “What?” she demanded.

He finished his conversation and closed the phone. “You want to tell me about your ex-fiancé, lady,” he said.

* * *

The stage was slanting at a strange angle. Joshua clung to the microphone stand and hoped his legs wouldn’t collapse beneath him. The pain in his back was a burning sensation that wouldn’t ease and he was trembling with a bone deep chill.

He remembered very little about the days when he went through the worst parts of his withdrawal, but he remembered this. He was fairly certain he was having a relapse, and the constant stress of the tour was playing havoc with his kidneys. How bad it might get, he wasn’t sure. He’d had a few bad days on past tours, but this one felt worse than any of the others.

Suddenly Elliot was at his side. “We’re done.” He grabbed Joshua’s arm and turned him toward backstage. Roadies were waiting, but Joshua pushed between them, falling into the chair Dominic usually occupied.

He could hear the crowd chanting for an encore, but he didn’t think he could go back out there. He forced his head to lift and looked around for his brother and Elena. They were standing to the side and James was on the phone. The conversation didn’t appear to be going well.

A spasm of pain rose inside of him and he gritted his teeth against it. It left him breathless and nauseated. He blinked up at Elliot and the other band members. They were arguing with Julian, he guessed about doing an encore. Even Dominic had waded into the battle.

The nausea intensified and Joshua knew he was going to be sick. Rolling out of the chair, he gained his feet and staggered toward his dressing room. Shutting the door behind him, he threw the lock and leaned against it, willing the sickness to subside. Everyone was in a fury over him already, he didn’t need them to know how sick he really was.

He reeled to the bathroom and fumbled for the switch. The bulb flickered, then flooded the interior with light. Joshua reached for the toilet seat, but his hand recoiled. Stumbling back, he collided with the wall and stood staring at the syringe where it lay on the top of the lid.

His legs felt like rubber as he slid down the wall and sat at its base, staring at the syringe, primed and ready, filled with a clear liquid. A moan escaped him, a tortured mix of pain and fear. He could feel a cold sweat pepper over the entire surface of his skin.

Closing his eyes, he curled his arms around his legs and bowed his head on his knees. The answer to his pain was laying right there before him.

CHAPTER 19

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” snapped Elena, planting her hands on her hips. “What was the phone call about?”

“What should I know about your fiancé? How much did he know about Joshua when you broke it off?”

“Why?”

“You tell me first.” Elena’s only experience with cops had been during routine traffic stops, but the look he leveled on her was certainly intimidating.

“Maybe if you told me what this is about, I’d be able to give you the information you want.”

“Did he know you were leaving him for Joshua?”

Elena tried to recall the last conversation she’d had with John, but James’ intensity was making her thoughts scatter. “I can’t remember, I don’t think so.”

“Are you sure?”

She pressed a hand to her forehead. “I can’t remember. Please tell me what’s going on.”

“Look, I just want…”

“James?” Elliot’s voice stopped him cold. He looked up at the guitarist. “Where’s Joshua?”

Elena whirled around, searching the backstage area, but James didn’t hesitate. He brushed past her and hurried for Joshua’s dressing room. Elena realized her heart was in her throat as she followed him. He grabbed the doorknob and turned it. With a curse, he released it and banged on the door itself.

“Joshua!”

Elena clasped her hands and watched as Dominic pushed through the crowd and came to James’ side.

“Move away,” he ordered.

James took a step back.

Dominic grabbed the doorknob and threw his shoulder into the door itself. It splintered. He didn’t hesitate, but slammed into it a second time. The door flew open, taking him into the dressing room. James was on his heels.

Elena crept to the door and stepped inside. James had dropped to his knees in the bathroom, cradling Joshua in his arms. She could hear Joshua murmur something, but she couldn’t hear what it was. She moved further inside and could see the syringe where it lay on the toilet lid.

Reaching up, James grabbed a washcloth and threw it over the syringe, bundling it inside, then he turned and glared over his shoulder. “Get everyone out of here,” he commanded Dominic.

Dominic moved past Elena and started to usher the other band members from the room. Elena took a step closer to Joshua, but James’ attention shifted to her with a look of pure hatred.

“Especially her,” he ordered.

Elena was so shocked she didn’t even realize that Dominic was pushing her toward the door. Once she was outside, she shook herself and shoved against him. “No, don’t do this, Dominic, please!”

“I’m sorry,” he said, then took up a position at the door. The medics arrived and Dominic let them through.

Elena didn’t realize she was sobbing until Elliot folded her in his arms.

* * *

“I think he should be in the hospital,” said Dominic, lowering Joshua into the seat of the private jet they’d chartered.

“Shh,” hissed James. “I want him home where they know his case. Not here where I don’t know any of the doctors. My father will meet us at the airport in Los Angeles.”

“You don’t even know what’s wrong with him,” persisted Dominic.

“Yes, I do. He’s going through relapse.”

“You said he didn’t take the drug.”

James glanced apprehensively at the attendant, then back at Dominic. “He didn’t. According to my father, the stress of the tour and these past few months have brought it on.”

Dominic slumped into the seat opposite Joshua. “I still think he should be in the hospital.”

“Leave it alone,” muttered Joshua. He had his arms banded around his waist and was leaning his head back on the headrest. “Please.”

Dominic grumbled, but he didn’t say it loud enough to hear.

The flight attendant worked up the courage to approach them. “Is he all right?” she said.

James flashed her a smile. He wasn’t as charming as Joshua, but it had worked on some women. “A touch of the flu. How long until liftoff?”

“Half an hour.” Her worried gaze lowered to Joshua again. “Can I get him anything?”

“Just a pillow.”

She walked away, glancing back over her shoulder. James sank into the seat beside his brother. “How you doing, Josh?”

“Where’s Elena?”

James sighed. He’s explained this a number of times already. Joshua wasn’t able to focus on anything for too long. “I didn’t want her to see you like this,” he lied.

Joshua subsided, his eyes closing. They sat in silence as the pilot and the flight attendant made ready for take-off. Joshua’s breathing evened out and grew shallow. James prayed he’d sleep through most of the flight.

Dominic watched him. “How bad will it get?”

James shook his head. “Not as bad as the original withdrawal, but I just don’t know.”

“What are we talking about?”

“Tremors, hallucinations. Again, I just don’t know.”

“And you think he shouldn’t be in the hospital?”

James leaned forward, careful not to disturb his brother. “If I take him to a hospital that doesn’t know him and he’s hallucinating, what do you think they’ll do to him?”

“Commit him?”

James nodded. “Tie him down, medicate him to keep him still. I promised him I’d never let that happen again.”

“What happens when we get him home?”

“My dad takes over.”

Dominic looked out the window. “All right. I’m not sure I agree, but I’m here.”

James breathed a sigh of relief and sank back in his seat. Please let him be right, let him be able to control whatever was about to happen.

* * *

Joshua scratched at his arms frantically. James reached over and covered his hands with his own. “It’s all right, Josh.”

Joshua forced open his eyes, but they wouldn’t focus. A headache pounded in his temples and the light shining down on them burned. He felt as if insects were crawling across his skin.

“Please turn the light out,” he said, shutting his eyes again. Someone reached over him and flicked the switch. Joshua flinched at the sound; it echoed in his ears. He rubbed at the insects again. “They’re crawling all over me.”

James leaned close, his voice in Joshua’s ears. “There’s nothing on you, Josh. You’re all right.”

Joshua hunched his shoulders, trying to remember what was happening to him. He kept trying to tell himself it wasn’t real, but it felt real. The pain was real, curling around his back, seating deep inside his body. And he was hot, his skin felt dry and his lips were burning.

“Where’s Elena?” he heard himself ask.

“I didn’t want her to see you like this,” James answered. Joshua knew it wasn’t the first time he’d said it, but he couldn’t remember asking before.

He shifted restlessly in the seat and rubbed at his arms. The insects were crawling over his chest and down his spine. A spasm of pain made him roll to his side and curl his arms around his middle. He peered at Dominic through narrowed eyes. The huge man was watching him with a frown of worry, but as Joshua stared at him, his face warped and flowed as if he was looking at him beneath a pool of water. Joshua closed his eyes.

James’ fingers curled around his wrists. “Stop, Josh, please. You’re going to scratch yourself bloody.”

Joshua tried to stop himself, but the urge to brush the insects away was almost more than he could stand. Then the tremors began and he didn’t have time to worry about the insects anymore.

* * *

Kate tucked her arm in Elena’s as they entered the hospital. Elena forced a smile for her friend, although it was mostly show. She felt sick inside, sick and afraid. Thankfully, Kate had agreed to accompany her without any complaint or lecture. She’d seen the look on Elena’s face when she’d picked her up at the airport in San Francisco and that had been enough. They’d booked a flight into LAX for the next day.

Now Elena wanted to enter the ICU as if she had every right to do so. She’d browbeat Dominic until he’d told her where they’d taken Joshua. She’d browbeat Elliot until he’d told her what was wrong. She’d tried to browbeat the nurse on the phone into giving her an update on his condition, but that hadn’t work, and now she was here, entering a place she knew she wasn’t wanted.

She hoped Joshua’s family wasn’t here. She hoped she’d be able to sneak in and see him before anyone realized she wasn’t supposed to be there. If nothing else, she hoped she’d be able to see him and assure herself that he was all right.

Elliot had told her his kidneys weren’t functioning properly. Apparently, there had been some tense moments on the flight to California. He’d suffered a relapse and had some mild hallucinations, but she couldn’t get any other information. Elliot had given her James’ cell phone number, but James wouldn’t speak with her.

She still couldn’t believe John was behind the pranks against Joshua, and yet, she couldn’t deny it either. Elena didn’t understand how that made her an accomplice, but she was, at least in James’ eyes. He told her she wasn’t welcome anywhere around his brother. Well, he could go to hell. Elena wasn’t about to give up without a fight. She loved Joshua and she intended to be here for him, even through the worst.

“Wait here,” said Kate and released her, going up to the grey-haired woman who worked the information desk. Elena glanced around apprehensively, hoping she wouldn’t see James anywhere.

Kate returned. “This way,” she said, motioning toward the elevators. “Third floor.”

They walked to the mirrored doors and compressed the button. An elevator arrived a moment later and they entered. Kate pressed the button for the third floor. They stared at the numbers without talking until the bell dinged and the doors opened. Elena hesitated before leaving the small cell. She glanced down the hallways, hoping she wouldn’t see Joshua’s family. The only thing she could see was the nurses’ station in the middle of the floor.

Elena followed Kate from the elevator. They moved toward the nurses’ station, glancing around. No one was behind the desk, but Elena craned her neck to see down both corridors, then she leaned over the desk, hoping something would indicate where Joshua might be.

A cough echoed from the left corridor. Elena sank back on her heels and clasped her hands, waiting for the nurse to scuttle down the hallway and back to her post. “Sorry, we’re a little short handed right now.”

“No problem,” she answered, flashing her a smile. “I’m here to see Joshua Ravensong.”

The nurse studied her for a moment, then shook her head. “No one here by that name.”

“I’ll bet he checked in under a pseudonym,” offered Kate. “Protection from the paparazzi.”

Elena’s face fell. “You’re probably right. I just don’t know what that name might be.” She looked down in frustration, then remembered James’ last name. “Connor? Is there anyone here by the last name of Connor?”

The nurse’s reaction told her she’d found part of the answer

“Joshua Connor?” she suggested.

The nurse grimaced in understanding. “I’m sorry. Only family is allowed to visit.”

Elena griped the counter. “Please. I just want to see him for a moment. You can come with me and if he says he doesn’t want to see me, I’ll leave immediately.”

The nurse hesitated, clearly moved by Elena’s plea. “Why don’t you tell me your name and I’ll ask him if he wants to see you?”

Elena opened her mouth to answer, but James’ voice interrupted her. “No, this woman isn’t allowed to see my brother.”

Elena closed her eyes in frustration, then turned to face him. “Joshua doesn’t get to decide that for himself?”

“Not right now. Not when he’s as sick as he is. After he’s well, then he can decide.”

Elena fought back tears. “What do you think I did?”

He didn’t answer her question. Instead he went on the offensive. “Your fiancé lost his medical license. If we can get Joshua to press charges, we’ll arrest him.”

“What exactly did he do? You wouldn’t tell me.”

“We finally got a judge to issue a subpoena on the pharmaceutical company and they revealed who’d placed the order. It was placed in Joshua’s name, but a physician had to approve it. Your fiancé was that physician. The syringe we found in Joshua’s dressing room was filled with morphine – again, something only a physician would have access to. When we questioned your fiancé, he confessed.”

“How did he do all of this from Colorado?”

“Apparently he sensed something was wrong between you two long before you made your trip to see him. He read all of the articles that pertained to Avalanche. In one, the reporter talked to a roadie, who seemed a bit disgruntled about hauling equipment. He contacted the roadie and paid him well to plant the various items. Joshua didn’t even know who the roadie was, apparently something that made the man more inclined to do Joshua some harm.”

Elena shared a miserable look with Kate. “I warned you about him,” she said in frustration. “I told you I thought something was wrong with him. Alec, right?”

“You didn’t tell me fast enough. By the time I got the guy’s last name, it was too late.”

“I can’t tell you how horrible I feel about this, but why are you blaming me? I never dreamed John was capable of such revenge.”

“Really? You had no inclination? Why did you wait so long to break it off?”

Elena closed her eyes. She wished she’d never kept her relationship with Joshua a secret. It had caused so much trouble. “I didn’t want to lose my job. I thought Julian would fire me.”

James gave her his cop look. “So you chose to expose my brother to dangerous pranks just to keep a job?”

“I didn’t know that’s what I was doing,” she protested. “James, I love your brother.”

“Really? Yet you didn’t want anyone to know you were together?”

“Hey, that’s out of line,” snapped Kate.

James glared at her, forcing Kate to back up behind Elena. “Spare me the false outrage, Elena. My brother doesn’t need someone who puts herself first.”

Elena moved closer to him. “You told me that you wanted Joshua to make his own decisions. Don’t you think this is his decision?”

James’ expression didn’t soften. “I was the one who found him when he tried to kill himself. I was the one, and I’ll never forget it. I can’t go through that again, so until he’s well, I think I’ll make the decisions.” He rubbed his eyes wearily. “Please just leave, Elena. I’m so tired, I don’t want to fight with you anymore.”

“I know you love your brother, James, and I know you think you’re protecting him. I just hope he doesn’t feel differently when he’s well. He might not thank you for interfering here.” She pointed a finger at him. “And you’d better make sure he knows I was here, James, because if he finds out you kept me away from him and then lied to him about it, I don’t think he’ll ever forgive you.”

With that she walked toward the elevators. She was proud that she didn’t burst into tears until the doors shut behind her and Kate.

* * *

Joshua zipped closed his bag, then wandered to the window to look out. How many times would he wind up in this facility, he wondered.

“I’ve got your release papers here. There are some instructions on what to watch out for and your level of activity for the next few weeks.”

Joshua nodded. Dr. Staddler came up beside him and held out the papers.

“You sure you’re ready to go home?”

He gave her a smile. “I want to see my daughter and I don’t want her seeing me here.” He took the papers and folded them in half. Once again he’d regained his freedom.

“If you need me, I’m just a call away,” she said, touching his arm.

He nodded. “Thank you.”

“They asked me to tell you that you have a visitor. Someone named Elliot. Do you want to see him?”

Joshua tossed the papers onto his bag. “Not in here. I’ll see him in the waiting room.”

“I understand,” she said, stepping away from him. “I meant what I said, Joshua. I’m here if you need me.” Then she led the way from the room.

Joshua felt the eyes of the nurses on him as he wandered down the hall toward the waiting room. It was dimly lit and a television blared from the wall. Elliot was sitting in a chair, his hands clasped before him. He looked up as Joshua entered.

“Josh?”

“Hey,” he said with a tight smile. He walked over to the television set and turned it off.

Elliot stood. “They said you were getting out today.”

“Yeah, going home.”

“To the city or your parents?”

“The city. I haven’t seen Tiffany yet.”

Elliot nodded. “Saw David yesterday.”

“How is he?”

“He’s doing real well – thin, but…” His voice trailed off and his eyes lowered over Joshua’s body.

Joshua knew he’d lost a lot of weight himself. He looked away. He felt like he had so many years ago, when he’d first stepped into Avalanche’s warehouse – uncertain and strange. Completely unbalanced.

“How are you?” asked Elliot.

Joshua looked back and the strangeness eased. “Better.”

“Your kidneys?”

Joshua shrugged. “I may need a transplant someday, but one’s functioning all right.”

They stared at each other awkwardly. Elliot rocked on his heels. Joshua didn’t know how to ease the tension. There wasn’t a guitar or music for them to focus on, just the two of them, standing close and yet so far apart. Joshua was surprised how much it still hurt him.

“Elliot?”

At the same time, Elliot moved closer. “Listen, Josh, I need to apologize…”

“Don’t finish that, please,” Joshua interrupted. “I need to apologize. I should have told you the first day I saw her. I knew even then that I wouldn’t be able to leave her alone.”

Elliot shook his head. “I’m just as bad. I let it get out of control. Honestly, I saw what was happening between you, but I just didn’t want to face the truth.”

Joshua forced a laugh. “Why don’t we agree to never talk about it again?”

Elliot laughed as well. “Sounds good to me.” He cuffed the floor with his foot. “We okay then?”

Joshua smiled. “Yeah, we’re good.”

Elliot sighed in relief.

“So, when do you leave for the world tour?”

Elliot gave a sarcastic laugh. “We put that on hold. Couldn’t face any more time on the road.”

Joshua nodded.

Elliot lifted his head and looked at him. “You think you’ll ever come back?”

Joshua drew a deep breath and exhaled. He realized the tension he’d felt when Elliot first arrived had dissipated. “Honestly, I just don’t know, El. Right now I’m gonna concentrate on being a father. I think that might be enough for a while. That and maybe walking across the room without getting winded.”

Elliot smiled. “I get you.”

“You know, I hear that there’s a lead singer who’s looking for a job. Real enthusiastic fellow named Lucas?”

Elliot’s smile faded. “We decided we’d take a break. Avalanche already has a lead singer, the only one it’s ever going to have.”

Joshua briefly closed his eyes. “I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready again, El. You shouldn’t stop your music because of me.”

“I didn’t say I was stopping my music, but we all agreed. Avalanche wouldn’t be Avalanche without Joshua Ravensong.”

* * *

Elena rang the doorbell, fighting her desire to run. What if he didn’t want to see her? What if he felt the same way James did? It had been two months since she’d seen him last, two months since she’d been allowed to speak with him.

David had told her he was home, but she hadn’t known what she was going to do with that knowledge. She’d picked up the phone and dialed his number at least a dozen times before hanging up again, then she’d decided to wait and see if he contacted her. Finally she knew she couldn’t let it go, she had to know exactly what he felt, and she had to hear it from him directly.

The door swung open and he was standing in the entrance. He wore a white shirt, the tails hanging over his jeans. His hair was loose and his feet were bare. He was thinner than she’d ever seen him and there were dark circles under his eyes, but she drank in the sight of him.

His expression shifted from curiosity to one she didn’t recognize, then he stepped back and motioned her inside. “Come in,” he said.

She stepped over the threshold and was immediately engulfed by Wolf. Joshua pulled him off and ordered him into the other room. The dog obeyed, glancing over his shoulder with a pitiful look.

Then they simply looked at one another. Elena clasped her hands and he continued to hold the doorknob. A blast of cold bay area wind blew into the house, but he didn’t seem to notice.

“Hi,” he said.

“Hey,” she responded and forced a smile. She didn’t want to burst into tears. That would seem desperate, but still the tears were very close under the surface. “David told me you were back.”

He shrugged. “I got in yesterday.”

“Oh,” she answered, then rocked on her heels. It wasn’t supposed to be this hard, feel this awkward. She knew this man, she knew every inch of him. How could she feel so distant from him?

“David said you wouldn’t accept your old job back?”

She shook her head. “No, I’m taking a little time off. I thought maybe I’d do some writing.” She shrugged again. “A travel guide…well, sort of.”

He nodded politely. “Sounds great.”

“Yeah, I thought that with all the cities we saw on tour, I could tell people about places to eat and sites to see from the back of a limo…” Her voice trailed away and she looked down, blinking rapidly to fight the sudden onslaught of tears.

He looked away as well and lifted a hand to run it through his hair. “Elena, James told me how he treated you when you came to the hospital. He thought he was helping me.”

She glanced up at him through her lashes, but she couldn’t speak.

“So much of the time I was out of it. I was so sick for awhile, in so much pain, I didn’t even know who was there or what was going on.”

“I understand.”

More cold air blew into the house. Since he hadn’t shut the door, Elena figured he was probably hoping she would leave.

“Well, I just had to see that you were all right for myself.” She shot a look out the door. “I should be getting home.” Without waiting for him to respond, she started for the opening.

He reached out and caught her arm. She stopped walking immediately, but she didn’t turn to face him. He eased past her and closed the door, placing his back against it. She lifted her eyes to his face, drinking in the sight of him. God, she loved him still.

“I asked for you,” he said. “My mother told me how many times I asked.” His voice trailed away and his expression clouded over. “I’m not a strong man, Elena, that much is obvious, but I never wanted you kept out of my life. I just didn’t have the power to fight it at the moment.”

“They told me how sick you were, Joshua. I understand.”

He shook his head. “I’m not sure I do. My family always thinks they know how to run my life better than I do, and God help me, they’re usually right, but James went too far and I let him do it because I was too weak to fight him.”

“He was right, Joshua. I put a job before you and it hurt you. I never dreamed John would be vengeful. I never even prepared for that.”

“No one could have. And if I’d been anyone else, it wouldn’t have worked.” He drew a deep breath and exhaled. “I’m never going to be completely well, Elena. I’m always going to be an addict and I can’t promise I won’t have another relapse.”

She met his gaze, but she didn’t know if he wanted her to respond or not.

“I’m not even sure I’ll ever be able to work again.”

“I don’t think you have to decide that now.”

“Maybe not, but here’s the truth. Life with me will always be uncertain. I will try my damnedest to hold it together, but it would be stupid of me to make promises I’m not sure I’ll be able to keep.”

She studied his face, not certain she understood what he was saying.

“And my family will always be a part of my life. No matter how meddlesome, they’re my foundation. Without them, I wouldn’t last very long.”

She took a step closer to him. She could feel the heat of his body from where she stood. “What exactly are you saying, Joshua Ravensong?”

He didn’t touch her, he didn’t move any closer, but his eyes bore into hers. “I love you, Elena. I can understand if this uncertainty is more than you can stand. I would never drag you into that insanity again against your will, but I’ve been miserable without you.”

She bit her lip to stop the tears. “I won’t be kept away anymore. That has to be made clear to everyone, including James.”

“Done.”

“And I have to be in on all of the secrets, no matter what they are.”

“You’ve got it. What do you say about starting over?”

Elena’s eyes brimmed with tears and she moved even closer to him, her lips a breath from his. “What do you say about picking up where we left off?” she corrected. Cocking her head, she gave him a mischievous look. “Although, you might have to convince me.”

His eyes glittered wickedly and he gave her the patented Joshua Ravensong wink. “I could do that,” he said with a smile, “After all, I’m good at convincing.”

Table of Contents

- PROLOGUE
- CHAPTER 1
- CHAPTER 2
- CHAPTER 4
- CHAPTER 5
- CHAPTER 6
- CHAPTER 7
- CHAPTER 8
- CHAPTER 9
- CHAPTER 10
- CHAPTER 11
- CHAPTER 12
- CHAPTER 13
- CHAPTER 14
- CHAPTER 15
- CHAPTER 16
- CHAPTER 17
- CHAPTER 18
- CHAPTER 19