Smoke and Mirrors: A Demented Sons Texas Novel
Author: Kristine Allen
Date: 2020-01-02 09:35:37+00:00
Keywords: Erik's Absolution; Colton's Salvation; Mason's Resolution
Description: I'm the President of the Demented Sons MC. I don't have time in my life for a woman. And I don't want one. It's taking everything I have to run my chapter, and raise a teenager alone. Except sometimes life nails you like a freight train. Nothing prepared me for her. A ghost from the past, she barreled in wanting something from me I wasn't willing to give. Trying to keep my club safe and my daughter from going off the rails, had me wound tight. Haunted by icy blue eyes, curves to die for, and a sexy smile, I caved... Now I'm caught in a web that's destined to get me killed.

Demented Sons, Volume One

Copyright 2019 Kristine Allen

Colton’s Salvation

Text copyright 2017 Kristine Allen

All Rights Reserved

Published in the United States of America.

First published in May, 2017.

Second Edition 2019

Cover Design: Clarise Tan, CT Cover Creations

Photographer: FuriousFotog

Cover Model: Chase Ketron

Editing: Hot Tree Editing

Formatting: Champagne Formats

Mason’s Resolution

Text copyright 2017 Kristine Allen, Demented Sons Publishing.

All Rights Reserved.

Published in the United States of America.

First published in September, 2017.

Cover Design: Clarise Tan, CT Cover Creations ctcovercreations.com

Cover Model Photo: Courtesy of Aleksey Satyrenko

Editing: Virginia Cantrell, Hot Tree Editing hottreeediting.com

Formatting: Champagne Book Design champagnebookdesign.com

Eriks’ Absolution

Text copyright 2017 Kristine Allen, Demented Sons Publishing.

All Rights Reserved.

Published in the United States of America.

First published in December, 2017.

Cover Design: Clarise Tan, CT Cover Creations ctcovercreations.com

Photographer: Eric McKinney

Cover Model: Mark Somsky

Editing: Virginia Cantrell and Jenny Zepeda, Hot Tree Editing hottreeediting.com

Formatting: Champagne Book Design champagnebookdesign.com

Kayde’s Temptation

Text copyright 2018 Kristine Allen, Demented Sons Publishing.

All Rights Reserved.

Published in the United States of America.

First published in March, 2018.

Cover Design: Clarise Tan, CT Cover Creations ctcovercreations.com

Photographer: Eric McKinney, 6:12 Photography

Cover Model: Chase Ketron

Editing: Virginia Cantrell, Hot Tree Editing hottreeediting.com

Formatting: Champagne Book Design champagnebookdesign.com

The purchase of this e-book allows you one legal copy for your own personal reading enjoyment on your personal computer or device. This does not include the right to resell, distribute, print or transfer this book, in whole or in part to anyone, in any format, via methods either currently known or yet to be invented, or upload to a file sharing peer to peer program, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other non-commercial uses. It may not be re-sold or given away to other people. Such action is illegal and in violation of the U.S. Copyright Law. Criminal copyright infringement, including infringement without monetary gain, is investigated by the FBI and is punishable by up to 5 years in federal prison and a fine of $250,000 (www.fbi.gov/ipr). Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. The publisher does not have any control and does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party websites or their content. For information message kristine.allen.author@gmail.com.

Warning: This book contains offensive language, violence and sexual situations. Mature audiences only, 18+ years of age.

Table of Contents

Title Page

Copyright

Colton's Salvation

Dedication

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Chapter Ten

Chapter Eleven

Chapter Twelve

Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Fifteen

Chapter Sixteen

Chapter Seventeen

Chapter Eighteen

Chapter Nineteen

Chapter Twenty

Chapter Twenty-One

Chapter Twenty-Two

Chapter Twenty-Three

Chapter Twenty-Four

Chapter Twenty-Five

Chapter Twenty-Six

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Chapter Thirty

Chapter Thirty-One

Chapter Thirty-Two

Chapter Thirty-Three

Chapter Thirty-Four

Chapter Thirty-Five

Chapter Thirty-Six

Chapter Thirty-Seven

Chapter Thirty-Eight

Chapter Thirty-Nine

Chapter Forty

Chapter Forty-One

Chapter Forty-Two

Chapter Forty-Three

Chapter Forty-Four

Chapter Forty-Five

Chapter Forty-Six

Chapter Forty-Seven

Chapter Forty-Eight

Chapter Forty-Nine

Chapter Fifty

Epilogue

Acknowledgments

Mason's Resolution

Dedication

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Chapter Ten

Chapter Eleven

Chapter Twelve

Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Fifteen

Chapter Sixteen

Chapter Seventeen

Chapter Eighteen

Chapter Nineteen

Chapter Twenty

Chapter Twenty-One

Chapter Twenty-Two

Chapter Twenty-Three

Chapter Twenty-Four

Chapter Twenty-Five

Chapter Twenty-Six

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Chapter Thirty

Chapter Thirty-One

Chapter Thirty-Two

Chapter Thirty-Three

Chapter Thirty-Four

Chapter Thirty-Five

Chapter Thirty-Six

Chapter Thirty-Seven

Chapter Thirty-Eight

Epilogue

Acknowledgements

Erik's Absolution

Dedication

Prologue

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Chapter Ten

Chapter Eleven

Chapter Twelve

Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Fifteen

Chapter Sixteen

Chapter Seventeen

Chapter Eighteen

Chapter Nineteen

Chapter Twenty

Chapter Twenty-One

Chapter Twenty-Two

Chapter Twenty-Three

Chapter Twenty-Four

Chapter Twenty-Five

Chapter Twenty-Six

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Chapter Thirty

Chapter Thirty-One

Chapter Thirty-Two

Chapter Thirty-Three

Chapter Thirty-Four

Chapter-Thirty-Five

Chapter Thirty-Six

Chapter Thirty-Seven

Chapter Thirty-Eight

Chapter Thirty-Nine

Chapter Forty

Chapter Forty-One

Epilogue

Spanish Translation Key

Word from the Author and Preview

Acknowledgements

Kayde's Temptation

Dedication

Prologue

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Chapter Ten

Chapter Eleven

Chapter Twelve

Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Fifteen

Chapter Sixteen

Chapter Seventeen

Chapter Eighteen

Chapter Nineteen

Chapter Twenty

Chapter Twenty-One

Chapter Twenty-Two

Chapter Twenty-Three

Chapter Twenty-Four

Chapter Twenty-Five

Chapter Twenty-Six

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Epilogue

Spanish Translations

Acknowledgements

Other Books

About the Author

To my mom, who gave me my voracious appetite for books, and to my dad, who always has unfailing belief in me (but I still don’t want you to read this)…

Early April 2013

“YOU’RE GOING WITH ME. Period.”

“No. No, I’m not. I’m so close, Becca. Nearly four years of late nights, no sleep, and running myself into the ground trying to keep up my scholarship. Oh, and don’t forget working a side job so I’d be able to eat.” I’m told that is a little important, eating.

I was desperately trying to study, but my roommate and best friend, Becca, would not leave me alone about this year-end party. What was it about “I have finals coming up” that she could not seem to comprehend? I was stressed, I looked like total crap on a stick, I knew I had so much to study over the next few weeks that my head might actually explode, and yet she kept yapping on and on about this stupid party that I didn’t have time for. Hell, she should be studying too.

“Come on! I don’t think you’ve done anything for yourself in the last four years, Steph. When was the last time you let go and had fun?” she pestered. “This is the biggest get-together of the year. We’re almost graduates! It’s Friday night, and you have tomorrow and Sunday to study. Please? Please go with me. Brent’s supposed to be there, and I need you to be my wingman. You know I can barely say three coherent words around him. I need you for support.” Becca literally folded her hands in prayer as she plopped down in the chair next to me.

Guilt.

Of course she would lay on guilt.

“And when have I ever been a good wingman for you?” I deadpanned. Although, she was correct in saying I hadn’t done anything fun in forever. I honestly didn’t know why she was still friends with me. We were polar opposites. She was the bubbly, cheerful, passionate one; I was the studious, quiet, focused one. The only thing I’d been passionate about was my cooking.

I absolutely loved to cook, which was why I’d chosen Iowa State to pursue my degree in culinary science. Why couldn’t I have gone for teaching, accounting, or something “normal” as many of my friends did? But of course not. Years ago, I’d sworn to my grandmother I would do something I enjoyed.

With my minor in business management, I had dreams of owning my own restaurant someday—a restaurant where I was a world-renowned chef, of course. People would come from all over the world to sample my culinary masterpieces. If a girl’s going to dream, it should be big, right?

“Are you even listening to me?” Becca complained as she smacked a hand on the table.

Um, no.

Sighing, I pulled the end of my pen from between my teeth where I had been nervously holding it as I tried to study.

“Becca, I can’t. I just can’t. I have to get a nearly perfect score on this test and the final if I want to maintain my GPA. You know Professor Higgins hates me because I was late to her class the first day. She has made my life miserable all semester because of that!”

Shooting me an impassive look, she huffed. “Seriously, Steph? You have gotten a solid A in every class since freshman year. I think you’ll be fine if you don’t finish this class with perfect grades. Besides, after we graduate, it’ll probably be forever before I see you!” Then she pouted.

I knew she was right.

She was heading back home to Council Bluffs, and I was headed to the “big city” somewhere to follow my dreams. I blew a clump of my long bangs out of my eyes and buried my face in my hands with my elbows resting on the table.

“Okay. Fine,” I said, “but I’m not staying all night, and I’m not drinking!”

Oh, the best-laid plans….

WHY THE HELL HAD I agreed to go to a stupid college party?

I would’ve rather headed to a small bar to have a few beers and chill.

Shit.

Mason may be my battle buddy, but he sure knew how to fuck up my plans.

I’d figured heading home with him while on block leave would be a good distraction from our pending deployment, but I didn’t plan on hanging with a bunch of college punks.

Over eight years and five deployments in the army as a ranger sniper put me on a totally different level than these kids. Making it through airborne training, then ranger training, plus sniper school was hellacious in itself. I’d probably seen more shit in six months of a single deployment than they’d see their entire lives.

Shit they couldn’t imagine seeing.

Watching Mason put the moves on a cute blonde, I leaned back against the old barn, slowly drinking my beer. She seemed to be falling hook, line, and sinker for his smile. Typical.

Looked like someone was getting lucky tonight, but it sure as hell wasn’t me.

In my opinion, he put too much effort in that shit. Either the bitch wanted to get laid or she didn’t. I preferred chicks who knew what the score was and didn’t need sweet words and roses.

Truthfully, that night I’d wanted to enjoy a cold beer and relax. Which was exactly why I wanted to hit a small bar, not some crappy college party at a farm in the middle of Nowheresville, Iowa.

Fuck me.

I tipped up my beer, enjoying the cold, slightly bitter brew as it washed across my tongue and down my throat. Sitting in the cool grass, the old wood of the barn pressed to my back, I continued to quietly scan the area as I rested my arms on my knees, the bottle dangling loosely from my hand.

Some habits die hard.

I took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. It was difficult to maintain my cool with the crowd milling around and the loud music and laughter coming from the barn. I could feel the bass resonating into my spine through the wood of the barn. Everything was a little too loud, a little too hectic.

Definitely not my scene.

Bored, I looked around the crowd once again, scanning over the people on the makeshift dance floor under the trees strung with those Christmas-y white lights. I noticed a fiery redhead dancing with her arms in the air as a blonde football-star type held her waist from the back and ground against her ass.

Fireball, as I dubbed the redhead, seemed to be eating it up as she threw a coy, seductive smile over her shoulder. She was hot as hell, and I was surprised Mason hadn’t gone for her. He had a weakness for redheads. When she danced to the side a little, I got a good look at her friend. Another football-star type danced behind her.

Do they mass produce these guys here or what? Jesus.

The blonde was smiling and laughing until jock-face got touchy-feely and let his fingers move up her waist to her tits. I’m not saying they weren’t nice, but I didn’t like the way the sequins sparkled between his fingers as he cupped his splayed fingers over them.

Damn asshole.

She obviously wasn’t cool with it, because she grabbed his wrists, trying to bring his hands back down. That was when he scowled and jerked her close as he said something in her ear.

Whatever he said erased her smile. She looked troubled as he backed them away from her friend. Once they were far enough away, he grabbed her arm, dragging her over to a picnic table away from the rest of the party.

That happened to bring them within earshot of me. Neither of them noticed me thanks to the shadows along the side of the barn.

“You shouldn’t be such a fucking tease,” I heard him tell her as he pushed her to the end of the table. When he forced his body between her legs and ran his hand up her thigh, my heart raced and I started to get pissed.

Hell, I didn’t even know the chick, but my mama raised me to be a gentleman. At least as well as she could before she died. I tried my best to remember that.

“Rick, stop! Come on, let’s head back to the dance floor. Becca’s going to wonder where I am.” At her pleading request, fire built inside me. When he tried to lean in to her, forcing her to lie back toward the top of the table, she started to struggle.

Slowly, I rose from my seated position and gripped my beer bottle by the neck.

Motherfucker obviously didn’t know what “no” meant.

I knew I shouldn’t get involved. Except something in the tone of her voice begged me to be the fucking hero.

I wasn’t a hothead.

Usually.

In my line of work, that didn’t fly. It could end your career, possibly even your life—quickly.

Stealthily, I walked the short distance toward them.

“Fucking John Wayne to the motherfuckin’ rescue,” I muttered.

Shit.

DAMMIT, I KNEW I should have stayed home. I’d broken every damn rule I’d set for the night.

Instead, I’d drunk every shot Becca handed me and danced with Brent’s asshole friend just so she could dance with Brent.

That night I’d let Becca pick out one of her cute little outfits for me. She’d dressed me up in a flared skirt. One that was waaaaay too short. Hell, a couple times I had to check to be sure my ass wasn’t flashing everyone. A tight, black, low-cut tee with “Harley” spelled out in sequins topped it off. If I breathed too deep, the girls might’ve popped out of Becca’s loaned push-up bra.

My boobs really didn’t need to be pushed up any farther than they already were.

When Rick got a little too comfortable and his hands started roaming, the night went downhill fast. Because I was beyond tipsy and my coordination was off, I’d foolishly let him drag my butt out in the dark.

Damn, damn, damn….

“Rick, stop! Come on, let’s head back to the dance floor. Becca’s going to wonder where I am.” I tried to convince him without causing a scene. Perhaps he was too drunk to register that I wasn’t into him.

He was scaring the shit out of me, and I struggled to get away from him. With every step, panic clawed up my throat.

Then a hand landed on Rick’s shoulder and he was jerked around. I quickly brushed my skirt back down and slid off the table. Prepared to sneak away while Rick was distracted, I took my first step.

“I think the young lady was pretty clear when she said stop.” The voice seemed to be deceptively calm.

As I sidled around Rick, my vision zeroed in on the most stunning man I’d ever laid eyes on. He had to be at least 6’3” with short-cropped jet-black hair. Though we were in the dark shadows of the barn, he had the most vivid blue eyes in existence. Thick lashes framed those gorgeous baby blues when his head swiveled my direction.

One of his dark eyebrows rose in question before his attention returned to Rick.

I froze in place as my eyes swept down his body—and what a body it was.

Firmly sculpted muscles were outlined perfectly through his tight black T-shirt. Dark tattoos peeked from the sleeves on both arms, making me wonder what kind of artwork the gods bestowed on him. Because surely this man was not human.

There was no way he was from the college. The guy had a maturity and worldliness about him that every male there was lacking.

He was simply too beautiful for words.

His worn-looking jeans hung low on his hips, and that butt… sweet baby Jesus, it should be a sin for a guy to have a butt that nice.

Hell, what was wrong with me? I needed to quit drooling over Mr. Sex-in-a-box and get back to Becca.

Ugh!

“Hey, man, this doesn’t concern you. Me and my girl were just trying to spend a little alone time together. Back the fuck off!” Rick mouthed off, causing me to stop in my tracks. I spun back to the two of them.

“Oh hell no. Rick, I’m not your ‘girl,’ and I do not want to have any alone time with you!” I said as my fists clenched and my eyes flashed. “I told you I wanted to go back to Becca, but you were too drunk for that to sink into your thick skull!”

What an ass.

Rick’s face screwed up in anger as he took a step toward me. “You fucking bitch! Maybe you shouldn’t be such a dick tease!”

My mouth fell open in shock.

That’s when Mr. Sexy dropped his beer bottle, grabbed Rick by the front of his shirt, and slammed him against the side of the barn.

“Watch your fucking mouth, you piece of shit. Didn’t your momma teach you not to talk to ladies like that?” With a deadly calm manner, he brought his face within centimeters of Rick’s.

When he said something to Rick in such a low tone I couldn’t make it out, I saw fear in Rick’s eyes. Except he quickly covered it with an expression of false bravado.

Jerking away from the stranger, he straightened his shirt, then gave me a hate-filled look before he stomped off, muttering, “Shit, you can have the dumb, stuck-up bitch, asshole. She doesn’t put out anyway.”

As I went to thank Mr. Sexy, I stumbled over the uneven ground in Becca’s stupid heels. Being more than tipsy, I couldn’t get my balance and started to fall.

The ground was coming up fast to hit my face, but he stepped forward, grabbed me under my arms, and pulled me up against him. Which caused my face to be buried in his abdomen.

“Shit. Shit! Shit!” How embarrassing.

Realizing it had made me look like a klutzy, dumbass little girl who couldn’t handle herself or her alcohol, I flushed.

Freakin’ fantastic. Way to make an impression, Steph!

“I may have broken my nose on your rock-hard abs,” I muffled into said abs.

Wanting to crawl in a hole, I looked up to see two deep, sexy dimples appear in his cheeks.

He let out a quiet laugh.

“Dimples? Seriously? I’m a sucker for dimples. Great. Just great,” I muttered to myself.

“Umm, while I’m not complaining about your position right now, I think this is what you were trying to avoid with what’s his face, kiddo.”

“Kiddo? Really? For your information, I’m almost twenty-two. Wow, you must be, what? At least eighty, right?” With a smirk and a heavy dose of sarcasm, I boldly met his eyes.

God, alcohol makes me stupid.

His grin widened, exposing straight white teeth. I started to wonder if the guy had any flaws. He was beginning to make me feel self-conscious as fuck.

“Sweetheart,” he drawled, “you have no idea how much older I am than you. I may be twenty-six in years, but I guarantee I’m older than any of these boys here in life experience.” After pulling me upright, he made sure I was steady before he let go.

If I was any judge of the expression that flickered briefly on his face, he was reluctant to release me.

My heart sank as he started to walk away, but then he looked over his shoulder at me. “I’m gonna grab a new beer since your friend made me drop mine. I’d offer to get you one, but I think you need to hydrate a little with some water. Unless you wanna feel like dragon dump tomorrow.” I caught his smirk as he sauntered off toward the water troughs full of ice and beverages.

His amazing butt held my gaze as he walked away. I should’ve been ashamed of where my thoughts were drifting. But I wasn’t.

The beer in one hand dripped water in the grass as he walked. A bottle of water was in the other, which he held out to me.

“Care to pull up a spot of grass and join me?” He gestured over to the shadowed side of the barn. “I don’t bite. Unless you want me to,” he added with a wink.

“Umm, yeah, okay.” The guy did save me from a potentially unpleasant encounter with Rick. And there was something about him that put me at ease.

As I took the bottle from him, the water from the surface slid across his fingers and ran down my hand. It hung briefly from my wrist before dropping to the ground.

Call me crazy, but it was like that tiny stream held an electric current that connected us for that split second. My eyes lifted to his, and we stared for what seemed like hours.

After he cleared his throat, he looked down and moved over by the barn. When we sat on the ground, I kicked off my shoes and tucked my legs to the side.

Maybe the night was beginning to redeem itself.

She took the cap off the bottle of water and tipped it up. As a small drop of water appeared at the corner of her mouth, I couldn’t stop myself from reaching a finger over and catching it before it fell from her full lips. I was sorely tempted to catch it with the tip of my tongue, but I gave myself a mental shake instead.

Slowly, she lowered the bottle. With wide eyes, her lips remained partially open as she watched me bring the drop to my mouth and lick it from my fingertip. Her breath hitched, and she swallowed hard.

There are things I could do to you with this mouth that would leave you breathless, sweetheart.

When she leaned closer to me, I reached out to tuck a loose strand of hair behind her ear. It was like I couldn’t control the movements of my own body. Me, the man who was the epitome of self-control.

What the fuck?

Eyes a soft cornflower blue stared back at me from beneath multihued blonde hair. They sparkled as they caught the light from the distant bonfire and strung lights.

There was a classic beauty to her. With high cheekbones, softly arched brows, heart-shaped face, and full lips, every inch screamed for me to kiss her.

Fucking Midwest girls. She was straight-up smoking. I didn’t remember them looking like that back in Tennessee. Not that I’d been home in six years. What the fuck reason had I had to go back there anyway?

After allowing my eyes to peruse her head to toe, I looked up and saw she’d been watching me check her out. Not that I cared about being caught, but since I’d saved her from jock-face-gropey-hands, I supposed I should at least try not to look like a horny asshole.

She ran her little pink tongue along the top of her bottle of water before she took another drink of the cold liquid, and my heart lurched. Her eyes never left mine as I stared at her throat moving with each swallow.

Christ, that made my dick stand at attention. Maybe I should’ve poured some of that shit down my pants to calm it down. What the fuck was it about her that had my mind going all kinds of places it shouldn’t?

Looking into her eyes shouldn’t have me wondering what she would be like as a military wife. First of all, there was no way a wife would ever fit in my career plans. And second, I hadn’t known the chick fifteen minutes.

Fuck. I’d never thought about a wife in any way, shape, or form.

What I did know was I seriously wanted to fuck the sass right off Little Miss College Girl. Then take her back with me in my duffel bag and do it again, and again, and again.

My only answer was I must’ve been going crazy. My last reverse Soldier Readiness Processing must have lied, because I was totally losing my shit.

“Soooooooo. I’m guessing you don’t go to school here,” she said as she drew circles in the condensation with the tip of her index finger.

With a questioning expression, she waited for me to answer, and soft wisps of hair fell across her left eye.

Without thinking, I reached over to brush it behind her ear again. As I withdrew, the warmth of her breath hit me.

Running a fingertip along her sexy-as-fuck bottom lip, I felt like the biggest pervert alive. Because I clearly envisioned those sultry lips wrapped around my cock as her blue eyes looked up at me from under a half-lidded glance.

It was wrong on so many levels. She was essentially a kid.

Shaking myself out of my X-rated thoughts, I finally answered her.

“Uh, no. My buddy and I are in the army stationed down at Ft. Benning in Georgia. He’s from some small town here in Iowa, and a bunch of the guys he went to high school with are here. They invited him down for this last big hurrah before they graduate. He just brought me along for the ride. We’re heading back to post soon. Our leave is almost up.” I didn’t want to get into the fact that I was deploying to Afghanistan, again, because I didn’t want to think about that shit. For one night, I wanted to pretend that I was a normal twenty-six-year-old guy who’d met a hot blonde at a party.

“Oh, okay,” she answered uncertainly.

After I stretched my legs out in front of me, I leaned against the barn. Absently, I pulled blades of grass, running the silky-feeling stems between my fingers.

“You ever met anyone in the military?” I questioned.

“Honestly? I really haven’t.” She shrugged as she bit her lip.

When she shivered, I noticed goose bumps break out across her arms. Like an idiot, I reached over and pulled her close to my side, placing my arm around her. As I ran my hand rapidly up and down her arm, trying to warm her up, I couldn’t help but want to touch more of her.

All of her.

“Hope you don’t mind?” I asked as an afterthought.

“No, it’s fine. Thank you.” Her heat burned into my side.

Her teeth tugged at her bottom lip again, and I groaned to myself at seeing that sexy-as-fuck expression. For a moment, it felt like we were alone in the world.

Of its own volition, my body leaned down to brush my lips against hers.

The bad thing was, it wasn’t even close to what I wanted to do.

Like a man starving, I ran my tongue along that abused bottom lip of hers. Savoring whatever sweet-tasting lip gloss she had on, I desperately wanted to see if the rest of her tasted as sweet.

God help me, because I was rapidly losing control.

Calm down, Alcott. Fuck.

Taking a deep breath, I forced myself to pull back and put some space between us. We both ignored the brief awkwardness that followed the kiss and made companionable small talk.

Time seemed to slip away from us.

She was amazingly easy to talk to. Enough that I began to relax and even laughed here and there as I shared some of my funnier deployment stories.

We didn’t talk personal details. Hell, we didn’t even exchange names. It was as if deep down we knew this was only for tonight.

Mostly, we people-watched the drunk coeds stumble, drink, and grope each other.

“Oh my God, did you see that?” she asked as we laughed at a guy who obviously thought he was in but instead got smacked on the face before the girl stormed off.

Fucking hilarious.

Our eyes met, sharing the humor. That was when everything seemed to stand still. She took in a soft, excited breath before she reached up to my shoulder. Wordless, she slowly slid her hand up my neck until she was running her fingers across the short-cropped hair at the back of my head.

The rasp of the short hairs against her fingers had me taking a deep breath, inhaling her rich, exotic-smelling perfume. It was fucking intoxicating.

As if in slow motion, we leaned closer until our lips connected. The tip of her tongue tentatively hooked under my top lip, pulling me into her allure, leaving my senses completely fucked.

Our tongues, lips, and teeth dueled in a crazy battle for power before I pulled away. My breath was harshly entering and exiting my body. As my heart continued to race, I rested my forehead against hers.

“Sweetheart, I’m trying really hard to keep myself in check, but there is only so much self-control I can tap into if we keep this up. I need to let you know before things go too far. Fair warning and all that shit.” I tangled my fingers in the hair at the nape of her neck.

Her answer was to tip her head slightly, nipping my top lip before soothing it with her tongue. Then she whispered, “What if I don’t want you to?” against my lips.

Yeah, all the invitation I needed.

Our kiss deepened and rapidly became a desperate, intense melding of lips, tongues, and bodies.

It was like we couldn’t get close enough to each other. Then she grabbed both sides of my face with her delicate hands and kissed me like the world was ending tomorrow.

Fuck, maybe it was. Maybe what we were experiencing was a frantic need to feel alive and connected. Whatever it was, I pushed all thoughts of what my future held to the back of my mind.

“What is it with you?” I moaned. She had me burning like an inferno for her. Something I’d never experienced before in my fucking life.

“Me?” she questioned breathlessly before we lay back on the cool green grass. My leg slipped between hers. That sexy skirt rode up, and she pressed against my thigh, grinding in small circles.

I fisted her hair as we broke off the kiss, leaving us both panting. I knew she could feel how hard I was since my cock was pressed into her hip. I needed to get a fucking grip or I was going to come in my fucking jeans like an inexperienced teenage boy.

“We can’t do this here where anyone could walk up on us,” I whispered with a groan. “You’re so much better than that, baby girl. If we’re doing this, we need to go somewhere more private.”

I needed her to understand where this was headed if we didn’t stop.

But if she was on board, I needed her to know she was worth more than that. She deserved better than a quick fuck in the grass at a party with drunk-ass idiots laughing and dance music reverberating through the night air.

“We can go back to my apartment if you want. I can tell Becca I’m tired and you’re giving me a ride back. Let me talk to her to make sure she’ll be all right and has a safe ride home, okay?” The soft words were spoken between kisses along my neck.

“All right, I’ll go let my buddy know we’re taking off. He has his bike, so he has his own ride back. Do you have a car here, or will you be okay with riding on my bike? Shit, never mind. You can’t ride in those heels and that skirt,” I said, feeling frustrated. I ran an agitated hand through the longer hair at the top of my head.

“Funny enough, I have jeans and Vans in Becca’s car. Will that be okay?” she asked in a breathless whisper.

“Yeah, better than those heels for sure. Not that you wouldn’t look sexy as fuck on my bike like that.” I grinned. “Meet me back here?”

“Yes,” she said, “the sooner the better.” She reached up and kissed me quickly on the lips. After scooping up her heels, she ran across the grass toward the doorway of the barn.

Light, laughter, and music continued to spill out of the large, open sliding doors, and people sat on hay bales drinking and talking. I watched her long, sexy legs as she ran. When she reached the door, I turned to find Mason to tell him I was taking off and would hook back up with him tomorrow.

AS I RAN BAREFOOT across the cool springy grass, my heart raced with excitement. I, straight-laced, studious Steph, was going to bring home a complete stranger—an absolutely sexy beast of a stranger.

I must be out of my tree, but nothing has ever felt so right.

It was like destiny. Like the fates had aligned the stars so we would meet at that party—one it turned out neither of us had wanted to attend.

Okay, that sounded a little cliché, but whatever. I was not passing the chance up.

When I reached the barn, I found Becca sitting in Brent’s lap on a bale of hay. Laughing, she had her head tipped back, and riotous red curls trailed down her back. Oblivious of the people around them, he placed soft kisses on the side of her neck.

“Oh yeah, looks like you really needed a wingman,” I muttered as I walked up to her.

“Becca. Um, I need to get in your car for a minute.” My face blazed heat.

Becca looked up at me and did her best to pull herself together. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, I’m really tired, so a friend is gonna give me a ride home.” In an attempt to set her mind at ease, I smiled.

“Steph, I can leave. It’s no big deal.” She tried to match her expression to her words, but I could see the disappointment in her eyes.

“No way, you stay. They were leaving anyway. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Are you sure?”

“Of course.” We hugged and I whispered, “You better be careful, okay? Call me if you need me.”

“I promise I will, but you know I won’t,” she returned with a cheesy grin.

After getting her keys, I ran to the car, grabbed my bag, and rushed her keys back to her. I gave her a kiss on the cheek and a quick hug. Her perfectly shaped eyebrow rose as she looked at me strangely.

I prayed my blush didn’t give me away as I hurried away, waving.

Trying to catch my breath, I arrived at the side of the barn to see him casually resting on the picnic table. With his legs crossed at the ankle and those amazing arms crossed at his chest, he was freaking gorgeous.

Hooded eyes watched me approach, and a slight smirk curled those kissable lips.

“I wasn’t sure you’d come back,” he said, eyes smoldering as they took in my breathlessness and the rise and fall of my breasts.

A smile hovered on my mouth. “Just had to grab my stuff and make sure Becca was okay.”

Stepping into the shadows, I pulled my jeans up my legs, lifting my skirt as I pulled them over my ass. I may have been preparing to jump his bones, but I wasn’t about to give some wandering partygoer a show. Then I unzipped the skirt and slid it down over my jeans, stepping out of it and shoving it in my string bag with the heels, cinching it up and slinging it over my shoulders.

There were no socks in my bag, so I slipped my boots on barefoot—gross, but it wasn’t forever. “Okay. Ready when you are!”

His hand was warm as he held mine. It didn’t take us long to walk through the parked cars to a couple of bikes that were under a large oak tree. He stopped next to a sleek, metallic black Harley decked out in shiny chrome. Sexy freakin’ bike for a sexy guy.

Score one for the Harley shirt Becca loaned me.

“Hey, Colton!” A cute guy with light brown hair and laughing eyes came running up.

“Jesus, they would run in pairs. Wow,” I mumbled to myself.

“Here, in case you need to get in before I get there. I know where the spare is kept, so I’ll be good.” Tossing a single key to my Mr. Sexy, who now had a name, he gave me a grin. Then he turned and jogged back to a cute, short platinum blonde.

Becca should’ve grabbed him instead of Brent. Oh well, her loss.

“You ever ridden before?” he asked with a questioning look, pulling my gaze back to him.

With a smile, I nodded. “I used to ride with my brother. It’s been a while, but I think I can handle it.” Jesus, I sucked at being cute.

Kill me now.

Thankfully, he ignored my ridiculous sex-kitten attempt. He pulled me close and smiled before gently nipping the shell of my ear, then down the side of my neck. Firm hands slid to cup my butt, squeezing before giving me a little pull into his hard shaft.

“Then let’s go for a ride.” When he raised his eyebrows in a comical waggle and smiled, I laughed. His grin brought out his sexy dimples.

Feeling brave, I reached around and squeezed his butt like he had mine.

“Jesus, my butt’s not nearly that rock hard!”

Shaking his head, he chuckled.

Mortified that I’d said that aloud, I scrunched my nose. But seriously, he had a great ass.

After shoving my bag in one of his leather saddlebags, he handed me a helmet that had been hanging from the handlebars.

Hesitantly, I placed it over my head, crushing my curls, and he adjusted the chin strap to make it fit the best he could. I gave him what I knew was a huge grin as he tapped my nose with his finger. He smiled before swinging his leg over the bike and firing it up.

As soon as the bike roared to life with a deep rumble, I shivered.

Effortlessly, he lifted it upright and flipped the kickstand up, then motioned for me to climb on. There was no sissy rest, just a little seat in the back. So, after I got on, I wrapped my arms around his waist and slid my hips close.

Those sexy-as-shit abs against my fingers were nearly my undoing. Swallowing down my desire, I pressed my ample breasts into his back. When I did, he looked over his shoulder, raised an eyebrow with a grin, and said, “Hang on, baby. You’re in for the ride of your life.”

Lordy, I hope so.

Jesus, having those tits against my back was torture. Add that to her hands running along my abs and her pussy pushed up tight against my ass the whole way, and I was a goner.

This girl was going to be the death of me.

It wasn’t long before we arrived at her apartment, which was actually the lower level of an old four-square-style house. It wasn’t huge, but it had a nice porch out front.

She closed the door, and I scanned the visible area. They’d made the little apartment homey.

As I slipped my arms around her waist, I brushed her hair away from her neck with my nose. She smelled like the crisp night air and whatever shampoo she used. Mixed with her perfume, it was the perfect aphrodisiac as I ran my nose and lips up her neck to her jawline.

After nipping her jaw, I spun her around to face the wall. Placing her hands flat on the wall above her head, I slid mine down her arms and around to cup her tits.

They spilled over my fingers—not huge but definitely more than a handful. Groaning, I rolled her nipples with my fingertips through her bra. I gave them a gentle pinch before reaching down for the hem of her shirt. Slowly, I raised it up over her lithe body before tossing it on the nearest chair.

Unable to keep them off her for long, I slid my hands down her body. Starting at her wrists, I slowly trailed to her hips and back up to lace my fingers with hers.

“You sure you want this? Last chance,” I breathlessly warned.

She whimpered and reached over, nipping my forearm.

I took that as a yes. Thank God, because I may’ve died from blue balls if she’d changed her mind.

Reaching around to her flat, smooth belly, I unbuttoned her jeans. Slowly, I moved the zipper down before slipping my fingers into the waistband of her panties.

Our breathing was harsh and rapid as I slid my fingers farther down. I kept expecting to encounter soft curls, but fuck me, the girl shaved everything.

Gliding my fingers through her slick wetness, I groaned.

“Fuck, baby, you’re wet for me. Tell me what you want me to do to you.”

She moaned a sexy, little low sound, but I wasn’t letting her get off that easy. “No. Say it. Tell me what you want.”

“You,” she said. “I want you.”

“You want me to fuck you with my fingers or my cock? You gotta say the words.” Damn, she was hot, and I was ready to bend her ass over right there if she didn’t specify. The need to fuck her long and hard had my fingers plunging deep within her.

Except as fucking horny as I was, it may not last long. At least not the first time.

“Oh God, everything. I want it all,” she moaned.

Sighing into her neck, I shimmied her jeans down her legs and helped her step out of them before kicking them to the side. Then I went back to the waist of her panties, pulled her hips back to bend her over, and dropped to my knees behind her.

Sensually, I hooked my fingers in the sides of her sexy underwear. As I slowly exposed the globes of her ass, I licked, sucked, and kissed her soft skin. Unable to wait any longer, I spread her legs with my knees and pushed my face into her pussy from behind. Running my tongue from front to back, I savored her before burying it deep in her wet slit.

Fucking hell, she was so wet it was running down my chin as I fucked her with my tongue and nipped gently at her pussy lips. When I reached around to circle and pinch her clit, she rubbed herself on my face and hand. Her breath was coming faster and shorter with little gasping moans slipping from her.

When I knew she was close, I slowed down and softly kissed her wet pussy lips. She was so responsive, and I fucking loved it.

She whined when I stopped and stood up. I wiped my face with the back of my hand before pressing it into her hair.

When she cried out in frustration, I kissed her shoulder. “Not here. Where’s your room?”

Impatient, she led me to her room, tossing hot looks over her shoulder as we headed down a short hall that ended with what looked like it must be the bathroom. Finally, she took the door to the left.

As soon as we entered the room, she shut the door with her foot and pushed me the few steps to the bed. Not one to give up control, I grabbed her waist as the backs of my knees hit the bed, and we tumbled onto the bed in a tangle of limbs. Frantically, we kissed, nipped, and licked anywhere we could reach. I’d never felt so consumed in my life.

Turning her to her back, I kissed her deep, our tongues teasing and tangling. Needing more, I left her mouth and trailed down her body, licking and sucking at her tits and drawing her nipples into my mouth, gently scraping my teeth along them as I let go.

Groping hands reached up to unbutton my jeans as I knelt between her spread legs. Bordering on desperate, I grabbed the back of my shirt, pulled it over my head, and tossed it to the floor. After she had my jeans undone, she reached in and stroked my cock with slow, firm movements.

Swear to Christ, I had to grab her hand to stop her before I embarrassed myself and shot my load all over her soft, tanned belly. Needing to hurry, I slid my jeans down, my stiff shaft springing out.

I thought I’d died and gone to heaven when she leaned up and licked the glistening drop off the head of my cock.

Jesus. My eyes rolled in my fucking head until I gained control.

Worshipfully, I nipped and licked down the curve of her cleavage to her pierced belly button. Everything about her was sexy as hell. Relishing in the softness of her skin, I rubbed my face along her firm, flat stomach, leaving a faint redness behind from the light stubble of my short beard.

Fuck the Army. I’d refused to shave while I was on damn leave.

When I reached her shaved mound, I buried my face back in that pussy like a starving man. Taking her clit between my teeth, I flicked it with my tongue, looking up at her and meeting those gorgeous eyes as they glazed over with desire.

As I licked her in a long, slow sweep, she ran her tongue across her kiss-swollen lips. With that small action, I about flipped my shit.

She was gonna come, and then I was going to bury my cock deep in that dripping wet pussy. Because I couldn’t wait anymore.

“Come for me.” Ravenously, I continued to work her over while I slipped a finger in her soaking sheath and stroked her G-spot. She moaned and thrashed as she tightened her thighs around my head.

Knowing she was close, I slid a second finger in her and kept fucking her with my tongue and fingers until I heard her cry out in ecstasy. Her body tensed as her walls contracted and pulsed around my fingers. I didn’t think it was possible, but she got even wetter as she gushed over my fingers and tongue while she screamed.

“Yeah, that’s it. Scream for me.”

Fuck, she was ready, and I needed to be balls deep in that tight, slippery cunt of hers or I may fucking quit breathing. Needing to feel her wrapped around me, I slid up her body until the head of my cock skimmed her wetness.

Before I entered her, I kissed her so she would taste herself on my lips and tongue. Then I pulled away, resting my forehead on hers and holding most of my weight on my forearms.

As she looked up at me panting, her own juices glistened on her lips from our kiss. Blinking slowly, she said the words I’d been waiting for all night.

“Fuck me, Colton. Jesus, please, fuck me now.”

Watching where we were about to join, I slipped the tip of my cock in and out a couple of times before I looked her in the eye and slid into heaven.

I’D ONLY BEEN WITH two guys. One was during the bumbling loss of my virginity in the back seat of a car to my first serious boyfriend. He moved away a month later. The other was a guy I dated for a few months my freshman year of college. Until he decided the brunette who sat next to us in algebra was better than me and shit-canned me.

Needless to say, my experience was definitely limited, but holy hell. Colton was a sex god.

As soon as we’d entered my apartment, it was like we spontaneously combusted. I couldn’t touch him enough or get close enough. If his body could have literally absorbed mine, I would have been happy.

Never had I felt so connected to someone. It was as if our bodies knew each other.

With every touch, my body shattered into a million fragments, then fell back together. Like a Greek god, his body was rock hard and abso-fucking-lutely gorgeous.

Those tats I saw peeking out of his shirt sleeves were dark and light abstract designs that stretched up to his shoulders and wrapped around to the back of his arms. I wanted to trace every line with my tongue.

“You’re beautiful,” I whispered as I drowned in his ice-blue eyes.

When I’d first unbuttoned his jeans, freeing his cock from its confines, I almost swallowed my tongue. I knew there was no way in hell he was going to fit. Like silk-encased steel, I could barely wrap my hand around him.

He proved me wrong.

After teasing me for a few seconds, gliding just the tip of his massive cock into my entrance, he finally gave me what I needed. As he slid all the way in, there was a slight burn as I stretched to accommodate him. Groaning in satisfaction, I hooked my legs around his thighs.

With his chin dropped to his chest and his eyes tightly closed, he held still while he breathed deep but ragged. Muscles tense and quivering with the restraint he fought for, he held his weight up on his arms. Finally, he lifted his head and looked me in the eye as he pulled nearly all the way out.

“This one is going to be hard and fast. I can’t hold back. I’ll make it up to you, I promise,” he ground out, then slammed his cock back in me.

“Mmm, yesss,” I moaned. Allowing him better access and needing him deeper, I raised my knees and wrapped my legs around his waist.

Reaching up, I ran my hands along the defined muscles of his back, feeling every contour and ridge. The rhythm was frantic. Each drive of his cock into my wet pussy left me tingling as he massaged my G-spot over and over until I couldn’t hold back.

“Oh my God, oh my God!” I wailed on repeat, arching my back as my inner muscles pulsed and squeezed his shaft. Centered in my core, my body exploded. Sparks of light flashed behind my closed eyelids. Caught up in the sheer bliss, my muscles tensed, and I trembled from head to toe.

“Jesus, you’re so fucking tight. Oh shit. Fuck. Yessssss!” he growled out. His cock swelled before an animalistic roar burst from him as he came.

Savoring each pulse of his cock, I watched as he continued to slowly stroke in and out. It wasn’t long before he collapsed to his elbows. Reverently, his hands framed my face as he gently kissed me, then rolled over to his back, pulling me with him and tucking me to his side.

When I clenched my thighs around his leg, my head swam from the residual effects of the alcohol I’d consumed and the aftershocks of my orgasm. He kissed the top of my head and let out a deep sigh.

“That was absolutely amazing,” I exhaled.

With a soft chuckle as his answer, he lightly stroked my back up and down.

He kissed my forehead. “Yeah, that was definitely pretty incredible. Sorry it was so quick. I’m not usually like that, but you’re fucking amazing.”

I smiled shyly at him, though it was a little late to be bashful. Especially considering I just screwed him like a porn star. Still, part of me wanted to crawl into a hole and hide. I had no idea what the hell had come over me.

Evidently, I was a closet wanton. The thought made me laugh, and he looked at me with a questioning gaze. I giggled again.

“Sorry, I was just thinking crazy things.”

He smiled, giving me those sexy dimples as he reached over and tucked my stupid long bangs back behind my ear again.

I leaned and reached over the side of the bed, feeling for my phone before I remembered it was in the back pocket of my jeans in the living room. When I saw his in his jeans, I grabbed it, opening the camera and snuggling back into him.

“Say ‘cheese’!” I held it above us, capturing our smiling faces on the screen. He took it from me, looking at the image that showed a grinning couple with total “just fucked” expressions. We both sported flushed cheeks as my long dark blonde hair curled around his shoulder and lay up against his dark head of sweat-spiked hair.

With a naughty grin, he dropped his phone back to the floor, then kissed me again.

When his cock jumped a little against my leg, my eyes popped open. As he smirked, he shrugged and said, “What? You do crazy things to me. And I told you I would make it up to you, remember?”

Not waiting, I slid over him and rose up to guide his cock into me once more. Fingers digging into my flesh, he grabbed tightly to my hips but let me set the pace.

Initially, I rode him slowly and sensually, then faster as my orgasm quickly closed in. When it hit me, I fell apart like molecules scattered across the room.

Every spasm had me gripping his length hard. My head was thrown back, and I moaned in satisfaction.

Before I’d stopped coming, his hands glided up and cupped my breasts, tweaking my nipples and massaging me. Rough palms slid feather light up and down my side before one slipped down and a thumb circled my clit as he leaned up to suckle a nipple. It was complete and total sensory overload, and when his fingers plucked at my other nipple, I exploded again.

Relentless, he gripped my hips, pounding up into me until his hot come filled me again, and I slumped on his chest. Sweat made our skin slick. Exhausted, I rested my head on his shoulder, panting like I’d run a marathon.

“Holy cow. Wow. Just wow.”

We went two more rounds before the sun lightened the sky, and we collapsed, worn out and totally spent. I didn’t think twice in one night was possible for a guy, let alone four.

My eyelids grew heavy until I couldn’t keep them open. The last conscious thought I had was how a girl could definitely get used to that kind of treatment. A final kiss whispered across my swollen, soft lips as I gave him a sleepy smile and snuggled deeper into his warm body.

Fuck, I hated to leave her, but I needed to track Mason down.

Even though I hadn’t slept more than a few minutes here and there, we needed to hit the road if we planned on making it back in time. Top would have our fucking asses if we were AWOL.

No way in hell was I getting my ass in a sling. I was praying he hadn’t disappeared with some chick without letting me know. If he had, I was gonna have to kick his ass. I’d sent him a text telling him he better meet me at his cousin’s place within the hour, if he wasn’t there already.

Asshole hadn’t answered.

Quiet as I could, I dressed and gathered my phone and keys. Casting a longing glance at the rumpled bed, I watched my beautiful angel as she slept. With her golden hair and sun-kissed skin against the pale blue sheets, she was every bit that—an angel.

Her hair was a crazy mess around her head and across the pillow, but she was a gorgeous sight. Dark lashes lay soft against her cheeks, and her perfect lips were slightly parted and still swollen from my kisses.

Torn, I wished I had time to wake her for one last round as my cock twitched in my pants. Instead, I readjusted it and leaned over to kiss her softly on the head. I didn’t want to wake her because I knew I’d worn the poor girl clean out.

Damn, I really didn’t want to go. I was standing there staring at her like some crazy-ass stalker when I needed to pop smoke.

Seeing a notebook and textbook on the bedside table, I did something I’d never done before. I wrote my phone number down for her and told her to keep in touch. Then followed it with maybe I’d swing by to see her after I got back.

Shit. That was dumb.

What if something crazy happened and I didn’t make it back? Besides, by the time I did get back, she’d probably have found someone better than me. Someone who could offer her a stable life, the white picket fence and all that sappy shit. Someone who deserved her.

Besides, I didn’t do relationships.

Not with my job.

It would be stupid.

I didn’t really know her anyway.

After thinking about it, I ripped the paper from the notebook as carefully as I could so I didn’t wake her. Quietly, I crumpled it and tossed it into the trash can by the door. Staring down at the wadded-up paper amid all the other rumpled bits of papers and trash, I wished I didn’t feel like it was my heart I’d ripped out and dropped in there.

What the fuck?

In one night, she’d crawled right up under my skin. I’d never even gotten her name, but I would never forget last night, or her.

Silently, I let myself out of her room—and ran smack into the redhead from last night coming out of the bathroom. She squealed in surprise. Great, so much for trying to keep the noise down.

“Who the hell are you? What the heck?”

“Shhhhh. She’s wracked out.” I paused. “Take care of her for me?” Without waiting for an answer, I gave a small, sad smile.

I walked out her front door, leaving her friend standing there slack-jawed.

And never looked back.

Mid-May 2013

WHEN I’D LEFT MY small town to go off to college, I’d had big plans. I was going to finish college with my culinary science degree and then become a kick-ass chef. One who eventually owned the number one dining establishment in the nation.

Sure, they were big dreams, but no one ever made it big by dreaming small. Funny how life comes along and makes its own plans for you. For me, it came at me like a sudden raging bull, taking me out at the knees.

It was the week of finals, then graduation, and my future would be laid out like a Caribbean sunset.

I’d studied like a crazed woman. I’d barely slept or eaten—unless you counted Starbucks—over the last few weeks. Looking back, I realized it wasn’t my best plan, and I’d made myself sick as all hell.

It was like I couldn’t catch a dang break! I had no clue how I was supposed to keep studying and remember all the crap I was burning into my eyes. Especially when I could barely get my ass out of bed before noon and was sure I was dying from the flu.

Instead, I lay in bed staring at the ceiling. I spent time counting every little ugly, lumpy piece of that crappy popcorn texture, trying my best to keep my mind off the nausea roiling in my stomach.

I tried not to think of my beat-up wicker trash can next to the bed with the two used grocery bags lining it.

I tried not to think of how many steps it was across my threadbare carpet, through my door with the loose antique knob that sometimes got stuck, into the bathroom, and to the cracked porcelain god I’d been worshipping for the last three days.

For God’s sake, I hadn’t showered in four days. My hair was a greasy, ratted mess, my eyes were bleary and bloodshot, and no matter how many times I brushed my teeth and washed my face, I still tasted minty vomit and smelled…. Dear Lord, I couldn’t even begin to think about how I smelled. I could barely stand myself at that point.

Yeah, not helping the nausea.

Two hundred seventy-three, two hundred seventy-four….

Oh shit, not working!

I reached over for the trash can and barely kept my hair out of the way as I lost a whole lot of nothing from my stomach.

God, kill me now. Lightning. Flash flood. Whatever.

I couldn’t take much more.

I’d barely flopped my exhausted body back on my equally nasty, rumpled sheets when I heard the tentative knock. It was followed by the rattle of the old knob before I saw Becca’s worried face as she peeked around the edge of the door.

The stench of my deathbed must have hit her like an uppercut, because her worried expression quickly gave way to a look of disgust as her own face turned green and she covered her mouth and nose with one manicured hand. Okay, sometimes I was a little dramatic. Sue me. I truly thought I was dying.

“Girl, I was gonna offer to make you some toast, but you need a damn shower. Pronto. Ugh!” she complained and waved her hand in front of her face as she walked toward me. Asshole that she was, she grabbed my comforter, pulling it off me and taking my hand, tugging me to a sitting position.

Though I groaned and tried to fight her, I simply didn’t have the energy. “Leave me here to die.”

Becca softly brushed my hair away from my face. I noticed her discreetly slide the trash can as far away as she could with her foot. Her grimace said volumes as she looked me in the eye. “You’re not going to die.” She rolled her eyes. “Come on. Let me help you to the shower. I’ll clean up in here and get you some clean clothes,” she offered.

I moaned. “I don’t think I can make it.”

Becca half dragged, half supported me as I stumbled and shuffled to the bathroom. She sat me on the closed toilet, and I leaned back against the cool tank. Closing my eyes to stop the room from spinning, I waited as she turned on the water and waited for it to get hot.

“Come on, Queen Pukey. Let’s get those clothes off and get you in the shower.” She helped me climb in, waiting to be sure I wasn’t going to fall over. As I closed the shower curtain, I saw her plug her nose and toss my favorite red sweats and ratty Five Finger Death Punch shirt in my hamper.

“I’ll be back in a minute. Holler if you need me.” The door clicked shut as she left.

Like the walking dead, I stood in the shower letting the warm water wash across my face and body in hundreds of intertwining rivulets. I hated to admit it did make me feel a little better.

Except, as the water washed across my nipples, I saw his face in my mind’s eye. Just like I had every day since the morning I’d woken up to an empty bed.

I pictured his slow, easy smile and the flash of his dimples, remembered how his lips brushed against mine. When I closed my eyes, I could feel his hands instead of the water caressing my body. I reached up and cupped my aching breasts. In my mind, they were his hands.

My biggest regret was not getting his number. Shit, I didn’t even know his last name.

I told myself some things weren’t meant to be. At least I had some amazing memories to hold close to my heart. Of course, those memories might give every man after him a lot to live up to.

It wasn’t until days later that I realized I didn’t even have the picture I’d taken because it was on his phone. And he was gone, taking the phone with him before I could forward it to myself.

If I would have thought to send it to myself right away, I would have at least had his phone number and a picture to ogle. Obviously, he didn’t want to keep in touch with me after he headed back to Georgia or he would have gotten my number from me. Or left his number with me.

I sighed to myself. Georgia was a long way away anyway, and who wanted to do a long-distance relationship? Hell, I was probably just another notch to him.

The water began to lose its heat, so I hurried to wash my hair and body before it became an icy stream. As soon as I shut the water off, I broke out in goose bumps as the cool air hit my skin. Teeth chattering, I rapidly toweled myself off and carefully climbed out of the shower, holding the wall to ensure I didn’t fall over.

Wiping the steam off the mirror, I stared at my reflection in the glass. There were dark circles under my eyes, and I looked sallow and washed out. At least I smelled better and was clean. That was a plus.

Feeling marginally better, I walked back to my room with my feet pattering on the old hard wood of the hallway. Becca was smoothing the comforter across my bed as I walked in, nearly stumbling over the pile of dirty sheets in the doorway.

“Why are you so good to me?” I shot her a small smile as she looked up at me from her task. She smiled back and walked over, giving me a hug. Smelling like sunshine, she made me miss sitting outside in the sun to study.

Shit, I needed to get better and back to studying again. Finals were too close.

“What are friends for? Besides, I love you, girl. I feel awful that you’ve been so under the weather lately.” Understatement of the century. “I’m going to go make you some toast. Do you want me to bring it in to you? Or do you want to come out to the table?”

“Give me a minute to get dressed and I’ll come out.”

She nodded and walked out to the kitchen.

Dressed in clean sweats and a tee, I shuffled out to the kitchen a couple minutes later. With a sigh, I sat at the scarred wooden table, which was a hand-me-down from her grandparents. She carried a plate of perfectly toasted thick-sliced bread over to me.

After she set it down in front of me, she went to grab me a can of ginger ale from the fridge. Then she sat at the extra chair, bringing one foot up to the edge of the chair, and rested her chin on her knee. Chewing on her bottom lip, she stared at me.

“So… you feeling better, hon?”

“A little, I guess. If I can get my ass up and moving, it usually helps me feel a little better, but it’s getting the energy to get up after being sick all morning that kicks my ass.” I’d no sooner taken a bite of the toast before I realized I was suddenly ravenous and made quick work of the other piece as well.

“Can I ask you a really personal question?” Becca’s eyes bored into me with bright intensity, making me curious about where this was going.

“Ummmm, sure?” I mean, we shared everything, so what could be more personal than everything?

“When was the last time you had your period, Steph?”

“Uhhhh, like a little over a month ago, or… so? I’m not really sure. But I’m not very regular, and with all the stress of finals and whatever this bug is I have, I know I’m probably thrown off even more.” I swallowed a mouthful of the cold, bubbly ginger ale.

“Do you think you could be pregnant?” She pursed her lips to the side and looked at me in question.

Ginger ale shot from my mouth and nose and the can slipped from my hand. It landed so hard on the table that some of the liquid splashed out. As I sat coughing and holding my hand over my mouth, I stared at the abstract blob of bubbling pop on the table.

My mind spun as I frantically tried to remember exactly when my last period was. The blood drained from my face and I became light-headed as I realized it may have been well over a month since my last cycle. Actually over two.

Sick with worry, I thought back to that glorious night with Colton. I realized not once did either of us even think to use a condom. Not that I’d had much use for them over the last several years, but crap.

What the hell had I been thinking? Not to mention he could have had an STD!

God, I was so stupid.

Having difficulty catching my breath, I looked at Becca with tears filling my eyes and cried, “What am I going to do?”

Becca reached across the table and grasped my hand in hers.

“First, we are going down to the dollar store to get a couple of tests. Maybe you’re right and you just have the flu and lots of stress. I just know it wasn’t too long ago that I ran into tall, dark, and sexy coming out of your room in the morning looking like… well, just yum. And now here you are sick as shit, and well, I guess I just thought….”

“Come on.” I stood and pulled her up, causing her chair to scrape across the floor and nearly fall over. Rushing around, I grabbed my purse and slid on some flip-flops. After throwing my hair in a messy bun, I rushed out the door with Becca hot on my heels.

We both stared at all the plus signs and double lines on the white sticks lined up on the counter in front of us. Neither of us said a word. We just stared. I wanted to cry, but I was too shocked to do anything but stare and breathe.

Finally, I looked over at Becca, and she looked at me. My stomach gave a little lurch, and I fought back a small wave of nausea.

“What are you going to do?” she whispered to me with a stricken expression.

“I don’t know. What am I going to tell my family? ‘So I’m graduating soon, I don’t have a job yet, and oh, did I mention I’m having a baby and I don’t exactly know who the father is? I mean, I know who he is, but I never really got his name.’ Yeah. I’m going to sound like a huge slut, and they’re going to hate me for being a big disappointment!” I buried my face in my hands as sobs racked my body. Tears quickly filled the palms of my hands.

My friend rubbed my back in soothing circles, but it wasn’t helping much. “Well, I’m here for you, for what it’s worth.”

“What was I thinking? I slept with a guy without any protection and didn’t even get his name or phone number! Jesus, Becca, I feel like such an idiot! Oh my God, my baby isn’t going to have a father, and there is a great guy out there who will never know he has a baby!” Though I liked to think I was a smart girl, my intelligence had obviously been on vacation that night.

Shit. Damn. Crap.

“Well, you could look into an abortion, Steph. You’re not that far along. I know it kind of sucks, but it’s an option.”

“No! Absolutely not!” I stood up, pacing in the small bathroom as Becca continued to sit on the edge of the tub. I was going to figure this out. Okay, so I may have been stupid that night, but the result was a tiny little life growing inside of me. He or she was an innocent byproduct of that stupidity, but that didn’t mean they were a mistake. Holding the palm of my hand to my still-flat belly as though it was a shield from the horrors of the world, I looked up at Becca with new determination.

“I’m going to figure this out. I have to. Either I wait to put in résumés until after the baby is born or I get them out ASAP and get a job before I start showing. Then I’m just ‘surprised’ when I find out I’m pregnant.” Before heading to my room to try to figure out a feasible plan, I leaned down and hugged Becca.

First, I pulled out my laptop and began to update my résumé the best I could. I knew finding a job in a good restaurant coming right out of school was going to be difficult, which was why I had worked hard to keep my grades up to give myself a competitive edge; I knew if I could put on my résumé that I graduated top of my class, it would be a boost with potential employers. Then I looked online at the websites that posted for restaurant and food preparation positions.

I fired off a few applications to various restaurants across the state in hopes that one of them may look past my lack of experience and the fact that I hadn’t quite graduated yet. Hell, I would’ve been happy with anything at that point. After I finished, I closed my laptop and leaned against the headboard, pulling a small throw pillow over my stomach and clutching it tightly.

Chewing on my lip, I slipped a hand under it to my belly and whispered, “Mommy is going to take care of you, sweetheart, one way or another. Don’t worry, baby, we got this.”

It was said with much more confidence than I actually felt.

June 2013

GRADUATION CAME AND WENT. Thankfully, I passed all my classes with flying colors and managed to graduate at the top of my class. Go me. At least one thing went according to plan.

Becca and I had shared a tearful goodbye after we both finished packing up the apartment. It was the first of June. Time had gone by too fast.

We’d used the last few weeks to take our time packing and just hang out together. After all, the rent was paid through that week.

Unfortunately, I still hadn’t told my family, nor had I found a job, so I was heading home to stay with my parents. At least until I heard something about one of the five billion résumés I sent out.

“You better keep in touch! We’ll only be about three hours apart, so I expect we’ll be getting together as often as we can, even if we have to meet halfway in Storm Lake for a weekend here or there,” she said with a stern look.

“Yes, Mother.” I laughed.

“Don’t you ‘yes, Mother’ me.” She looked around to see if either of our families were nearby. Seeing the coast was clear, she whispered, “Have you told them yet?”

“Shhh, please be quiet! No, I haven’t. There hasn’t really been a good time.” I knew I looked guilty, because I was very guilty.

Since Colton had been my only sexual encounter in… well, forever, I was a little over eight weeks along. Still early, but I knew I would have to tell them before there was no hiding it. My stomach still seemed as flat as ever, but I knew that wouldn’t last.

Thankfully my morning sickness had tapered off after I figured out the magic of eating a few saltines in the morning before even getting out of bed. It helped settle my stomach so I could feel normal.

“Steph, there isn’t going to be a good time. Are you sure you don’t want to go back to CB with me for a while? Maybe you can find a job there, and you can stay with me.” She meant well, but I knew I couldn’t run away and hide from my family forever. Eventually, I had to tell them.

“No, I need to tell them, and I think I’ll need to be with my mom for this. I just pray they don’t hate me or disown me.” My face began to crumple.

Becca reached over and gave me a hug as tears trickled down my cheeks. Her red hair tickled my nose, and I reached up to brush it back. Of course that made me think of how Colton had brushed my hair out of my face with such tenderness. With that thought, I began to cry harder, and she squeezed me tighter.

“None of that now, girls. You’re acting like you won’t be just three hours apart. Becca can come up and stay with us any time.” My dad walked over, hugging us both. He was still handsome even at fifty, with dark brown hair going gray at the temples.

My mom came through the door, walked over, and kissed me and Becca each on the cheek. She was still gorgeous, but to me, she had always been the most beautiful woman in the world.

People told me I looked a lot like her. Tall, lithe, blonde, bright blue eyes. She was a few years younger than Dad but easily passed for a woman years younger. My dad looked over to her with love shining in his hazel eyes.

I wondered if I would ever find the love my parents had, three children and many years later. Or would it forever be only me and my little one? The thought brought a new wave of tears.

The book I’d bought at the used book store said I’d feel more emotional than usual due to fluctuating hormones, but why did I want to cry all the time? Ugh!

“Are you about ready to head out? Your brothers are securing the last of your boxes in the back of the truck, sweetheart. I figured we could grab a bite to eat with Becca and her family and then hit the road.”

I kissed my mom on the cheek. She was amazing, and I was so thankful for her intuition in knowing I needed a little more time with Becca.

“Yes, that sounds amazing!”

Becca went to tell her parents, and I walked to my room to gather the last few things I had piled up in the corner. Glancing over my shoulder to make sure no one had followed me, I tucked the pregnancy book in my backpack. Heart racing, I was thankful that no one had come in and grabbed any of my things I’d set aside there.

Yikes! That would have been a great way to let everyone know. “Oh, look, Stephanie has a pregnancy book and some prenatal vitamins here with her notebook and makeup. Wonder what she has that for?”

Yeah. Not so much.

Taking one last look around, I slung my backpack over my shoulder. No, the place wasn’t much, but it’d been my first real place. Becca and I had a lot of memories, laughs, and tears there.

Sighing, I took in the worn carpet. The sunlight streamed through the dented blinds and highlighted the dust motes floating through the air like tiny snowflakes.

It was time to start a new chapter of my life, one that would include a few major changes and alterations to my previous plans and dreams.

January 2014

“OHHHHHHHH MY GAWWWWWWD! ARGHHHHH!” Growling, I squeezed my mother’s hand, crushing her fingers in a death grip. She never once complained; she just kept holding a cool cloth to my forehead and speaking in a soothing tone as she encouraged me to breathe slowly.

My hair was soaked with sweat and plastered to my head. I knew I looked awful as I tucked my head down to my chest, my face burning hot and screwed up in a painful grimace.

“There you go. Keep pushing, Miss Quinn. Your baby’s crowning, and with one more push, the head should be out. You’re doing great,” the nurse encouraged me in her ever-calm voice as she monitored my progress and all the machines beeped around me.

Did these bitches take classes in that ridiculously calm voice they used? I wanted to kick her in the face. She wasn’t the one shitting out a watermelon.

“How are things going in here? Are we ready to have this baby?” As the doctor walked in, taking over the nurse’s spot between my spread knees, all smiles and sunshine, I wanted to kick her in the face too.

What was coming over me? It was like a demon was inhabiting my body. Granted, I was tired as hell, and I’d been in hard labor for over seven hours. They said things were progressing very well for my first child.

Yeah, fuck them. They weren’t the ones being split in two.

Very well, my ass!

As the contraction slowly ebbed, I fell back in exhaustion. Sweat poured down my face, burning my eyes until my mom caught it with the cool rag.

Grabbing her hand, I looked up at her in desperation. “Mom, I can’t do this. I don’t know what I was thinking. Get me the epidural. Or just make it stop. I’m not ready! Please!”

My mom gave me a small smile and kissed my cheek. She squeezed my hand lightly in encouragement. “You’re doing great. It won’t be long now, sweetheart. Your baby will be in your arms, and this will be a distant memory. I still cannot believe you didn’t want to know if it’s a boy or a girl, but we’ll know soon enough, now won’t we? I’m here for you, baby.” She smiled at me again, and I felt the next contraction building with a quickness.

It was like a band was tightening from my hips, meeting in the middle of my stomach. Gripping the railing and my mom’s hand, I screamed through gritted teeth, leaned forward, nearly touching my chin to the center of my chest, and pushed.

“There we go! Look at that beautiful head of dark hair and those sweet little cheeks!”

I rolled my eyes as the doctor suctioned the baby’s nose and spoke of a child I couldn’t see over the still ginormous lump of my belly.

Asshole, I thought.

“Next push should have this little one out, Miss Quinn!”

How are all of these people so damn cheery? Yeah, I’m gonna kick them all in the face by the end of it. Stupid fuckers!

One more brief respite and the next contraction hit. Bearing down, I pushed like the doctor told me, the whole time afraid I would split in two at my crotch.

Surely this baby isn’t going to fit! There is no way.

Shoving the Negative Nancy in my head away, I pushed. And I prayed for a miracle that the giant bowling ball of a child was going to fit through the donut-sized opening without ripping it asunder.

I heard the lusty cry of my precious baby right after the fluid-like slip of its body from mine. Suddenly, the pain eased.

“It’s a girl, Miss Quinn!”

As they placed her naked body on my bare chest, I peered into her big blue eyes. Meticulously, I counted her fingers and toes. Then I took in the full pink cheeks and pursed rosebud mouth, falling more in love with this exquisite little miracle with every breath she took.

I barely noticed the last of the contractions expelling the placenta that had nourished my little angel. She solemnly blinked her beautiful eyes at me before she smiled, revealing two perfect dimples, which hit me like a punch to the gut.

She was her daddy’s little girl for sure, and he would never know.

I cried for the memories that would never be and for the gift I had been given.

I cried for a little girl who would never know her daddy.

I cried for the unexpected level of amazing love I had for this one tiny person.

“So what name do you have picked out for your little girl?” the nurse asked with a bright smile as she gathered my tiny bundle to clean her up.

She was so patient and kind, and I couldn’t believe that minutes ago I’d wanted to kick her in the face. It left me feeling like shit, and I hoped she hadn’t been able to read my mind.

“Remington Amelia… I want to call her Remi.” My thoughts drifted to her father and how I would have named her Colton after him if she’d been a boy. Since she was a sweet little girl, I figured Remington was a close second to Colt, which was close to her daddy’s name. My smile was bittersweet as I imagined how he would look holding her.

My mother was the next to hold her after the nurse brought her back over. When she placed a soft kiss on her forehead, it caused my little Remi to root around.

She laughed as she handed her to me, saying, “I think she’s ready for you, Mommy.” I pulled my gaze from the window, where a soft January snow was falling, and reached for my angel.

With the guidance of the nurse, I situated her, then felt the first tug at my breast from her tiny mouth. I knew there could be no greater or stronger love in the world than I had for this little precious baby.

Lost in thought, I softly ran my fingers through her silky hair and sent out a message on a prayer, thanking her daddy for the gift he’d unknowingly bestowed upon me.

January 2014

JERKING AWAKE, I TRIED to shake off the lingering nightmare. It was always the same. Horror on repeat of the last ride in the Humvee Mason and I were traveling in with our interpreter and a fresh-faced young driver. A young man who, unfortunately, would never bless his family with his youthful optimism again.

Panic was trying to eat me alive. I tried to catch my breath and slow my heart down before it had my nurse running in again.

Squeezing my eyes closed, I fought to stop the tears and erase the sightless eyes of the interpreter and our scout from my vision. Ineffectively, I covered my ears, as if it would block the screams of my spotter, my best friend, from my ears.

It seemed nothing could erase the coppery taste and crimson stains of the blood covering us all, and I relived it every fucking night. The things I wanted to remember were fuzzy half the time, but that shit… that shit was burned into my head.

As the room slowly came back into focus after I opened my eyes, the air seemed different. Like suddenly I wasn’t alone, or something had shifted in the universe. Shaking off the strange feeling, I reached for my water pitcher.

I couldn’t tell you how many times I’d been told I was lucky to be alive.

Honestly, I didn’t know how they figured that. I hurt every day. All day.

The nights were worse though. Because the nights held the nightmares.

Mason and I had barely survived the blast, but we’d lost two good men with families who loved, and now grieved, them. The thought made me nauseous.

Why had I survived when I had no one? It didn’t make any fucking sense. Why me, God?

Except, at the same time that I cried out for Him, I had my doubts there even was a God. How could there be? No God should allow people who had so much to live for die, yet allow someone with my sins, and no one to mourn me, live.

I’d been at BAMC—Brooke Army Medical Center—for about a month. All thanks to the IED explosion along a seemingly deserted road in Afghanistan.

The first several weeks, starting with the initial stabilization by the flight medics, then the transfer to Landstuhl, Germany, and then my transfer here, were a blur of semiconsciousness.

All I remembered clearly were the screams. Not that I could be sure if they were my friends’ or my own. And the smell. Fuck, that smell would haunt me for the rest of my days.

I remembered blackness and praying it would swallow me.

But most of all, I remembered the blonde hair, blue eyes, and gorgeous warm smile of a girl who had kept me going through everything.

Motherfucker, I clung fiercely to those memories.

I couldn’t believe how one night had embedded her so deeply in my psyche that she was forever etched in my heart. Christ, I didn’t even know her name because I’d been a selfish, horny bastard who’d only cared about sex that night nearly a year ago.

Back then, I’d arrogantly told myself there was no need since I would never see her again.

Now I’d give anything to have her holding my hand.

God, I’d been so stupid. Such a conceited, self-righteous fuck.

I hated myself more every day.

Because it hurt to lean forward, I blindly reached down beside me, searching through the blanket for my phone. The same one that now sported a cracked screen. And what I repeatedly told myself were mud splatters on the back each and every time I scraped one off.

Opening it, I stared at the picture she’d taken that night of the two of us.

It was after the first of our mind-blowing rounds of the best sex I’d ever experienced. The pale blue sheets were tucked up over her breasts, and we both had flushed cheeks and ridiculous smiles.

There was such happiness captured in that brief moment. It seemed fitting that the crack in the screen ran right between the two of us. Because I wasn’t good enough for her before, and I certainly wasn’t now—scarred and broken, both physically and mentally.

But she’d been my saving grace. The thought of her body held close and intertwined with mine, the smell of her hair, the feel of her lips against mine, and the look of complete satiation on her face. Those things had kept me intact during moments that would have driven some men over the edge of sanity.

For that, I would always hold her in my heart and love her like no other.

Love? Shit. What did I really know of love? Maybe I shouldn’t even say that shit.

The accident happened in December. Mason and I had spent Christmas and New Year’s in the hospital, with me pretty much in a constant haze between drug-induced unconsciousness and surgeries.

His parents had come down over the holidays and stayed in the Fisher House, kind of the military’s version of the Ronald McDonald House. Vaguely, I remembered them visiting my room with Mason.

It was now mid-January, and the world outside my window looked as bleak as I felt. I’d give almost anything to be back in the drug-induced haze I’d been in before.

Better to feel nothing than what I felt then.

Cautiously, I reached up, touching the scar that ran from my temple to my lower jaw. It was still thick and jagged. The doctors told me it would get better with time, but it would always be a reminder of that day.

It wasn’t just my face that was scarred or disfigured in the explosion though. I’d suffered nerve damage, fractures to my skull, left arm, three of my left ribs, and my left leg at the thigh and lower leg.

My left leg now sported enough metal to ensure I would set off every detector in the airport for the rest of my miserable, worthless life. A rod took the place of the center of my femur, and I had enough plates, pins, and screws in the bones of my lower leg to build a parking garage.

They said I was lucky they’d been able to save my leg.

Fuck them.

The daily therapy pissed me off. I hated the pain and the fucking optimism of the stupid fuckers that pushed me to walk and use muscles that I would have been happy to let die.

Mason had healed up pretty well, all things considering. His left side caught the brunt of the explosion as well, but the shemagh scarf he was wearing as a dust mask prevented him from having as many facial lacerations.

Honestly, I was thankful for that, because he was always such a happy fucker. Of the two of us, he was the outgoing one. Mason was a good-hearted guy and deserved to be able to have a chance at happiness.

He did, however, suffer a traumatic brain injury, minor burns, and breaks to both of his lower legs. He’d since healed, and he used them to walk in my room and pester the shit out of me every day of our recovery.

The asshole had chosen not to re-up when his window opened and was now on terminal leave. The faint scruff growing on his face did little to hide the boyish smile that still remained despite going through hell with me.

He talked nonstop about going home and prospecting for some motorcycle club. I tried not to roll my eyes as he went on about seeing his family and beginning the hang-around, then prospect journey. His excitement was damn near childlike, but I couldn’t share it with him.

Unlike him, I hadn’t wanted to get out. What the fuck did I have to get out for?

That was in the beginning.

Before I realized the extent of my injuries and how my career as a ranger was likely over.

When the doc had brought up a Medical Evaluation Board, I said fuck it. There was no way I’d be happy as a fucking paper-pusher. If I couldn’t have my rifle on an isolated hilltop or other vantage point, what the fuck was the point?

During the MEB process, I’d be stuck there in that worthless shithole and would have to go through therapy for a while.

The doc said if everything went well with the scans and tests they ran, I should be discharged soon and moved over to the Warrior Transition Unit barracks to finish up my treatment on an outpatient basis.

It was probably for the best that my MEB was approved, because I didn’t have it in me to stay in anymore. I wanted out. I’d failed to protect the soldiers under me.

I’d seen more senseless deaths than I could count. I’d killed more piece-of-shit terrorists than anyone else on my team, and yet it didn’t make a difference. They seemed to multiply like fucking rabbits to keep killing as many of my brothers and sisters as they could. I hated those motherfuckers.

Even though air entered and exited my lungs, machines continued beeping around me, and the pain throbbing through the left side of my body told me I was alive, I was dead inside.

I had not a single thing to be alive for. I was a waste of pathetic space in this fucked-up, hate-filled world. I was hate-filled… rotting from the inside out from the empty blackness of my soul.

May 2014

THOUGH I LOVED MY family, it had taken me a while before I’d finally told them I was pregnant. I hadn’t had the intestinal fortitude to tell them I didn’t know the man I’d slept with. They’d harassed me incessantly at first about the father.

My father and brothers, seeing the situation from a man’s perspective, were angry with me at first, thinking I actually knew who the father was and was just keeping the baby from him. For weeks after the day I’d told them, my brothers wouldn’t speak to me.

My mother, bless her soul, was always supportive and never condescending. She did try to gently persuade me to share the story with her, but I remained stubbornly mute regarding the subject.

They’d all ended up being great through my pregnancy, despite the shock of their “good little girl” getting pregnant. Except they’d never stopped hounding me about the baby’s father.

Truthfully, I didn’t know which would be worse, that my family thought me a heartless bitch for keeping a baby from its daddy, or if they thought less of me for sleeping with a man I didn’t know. The only information I knew was his first name, he was in the army, and he had a rocking body and a killer smile. It was easier to say nothing.

In my defense, I did try to find him. I quickly found out there are a surprising number of soldiers at Ft. Benning, Georgia. And good luck trying to find a soldier named Colton with no last name. For all I knew, Colton could’ve been his last name.

I had no idea what he did, where he worked, or anything about him other than he’d had a lot of deployments. I did know his friend was from somewhere in Iowa and had friends who had been at the party, but that was another needle in a haystack, considering I didn’t know his friend’s name either.

What I did know was my little baby girl was her daddy’s spitting image.

More times than I could count, I wondered if he’d be happy if he knew about her. I wondered if he’d want to be a part of her life.

Sometimes I made up scenarios in my mind of finding him. In my favorite, he was thrilled to have us in his life, and we ended up as a happy little family, white picket fence and all.

Other scenarios played out with him being angry because he thought I only found him to get child support, or him wishing I had “taken care of” the situation. That was one of the worst. Still others that he hated me for keeping her from him, like I had any other option.

Daily, I tortured myself with all of the what-ifs and if-onlys.

When I received the phone call in April from a fairly prestigious dining establishment in Des Moines, I jumped on the opportunity to tuck my tail and run from my family’s censure.

It took me a couple of weeks to find an apartment and get everything lined up before I packed Remi and our belongings into my little SUV and my brother’s truck, which translated to mostly Remi’s things. My mother had waved with tears running down her cheeks and my father’s strong arms holding her tight as I drove off to start a new life for me and my precious little bugga-boo.

The job wasn’t exactly a top chef position. It was actually prep cook, but it was my foot in the door, and it gave me the opportunity to get out of Dodge.

Remi was such a sweet baby. At times when I spoke to her, I swore she understood every word I said. She would stare at me with those big blue eyes as if she was looking straight into my soul.

I prayed she’d never found it wanting and that she’d understand I was doing the best I could. I knew I was blessed to have such a calm, good-natured baby, and I thanked the good Lord above for her every day.

Since I’d found the apartment, sight unseen, before we headed down, I was both excited and dreading moving in. From what I could find out, it was in a so-so neighborhood. Neither great nor the ghetto. I just prayed it was safe enough for my little angel.

It was only a one-bedroom, but I figured with her being so little and us sharing my old room at my parents’, it would be okay for a while. I pulled up in front of the older building that my GPS brought me to, noting the four apartments with open stairs going to the second floor. My brothers pulled into the spot next to me.

Remi started to stir when I shut the car off, and I quickly went to unbuckle her from her bright pink car seat—a gift from my high school friends at my baby shower, along with the matching stroller I had crammed in the back.

She opened her tiny Cupid’s bow lips in a delicate yawn, rubbing her eyes as I pulled her close to me and placed a soft kiss on her downy black curls. She reached up, entwining her chubby fingers in my hair as she looked around as if to say, “Where are we, Mommy?”

“Here, Steph, let me hold her while you go get the keys,” Sam said as he plucked Remi from my arms. Quiet little nonsensical sounds came from Remi, and she grabbed at her uncle, who was making crazy faces at her.

Shoot, if I’d stayed at home, they would’ve spoiled her rotten.

The manager lived in the next building over, obviously newer and much bigger. I approached her door to collect the keys for our new home.

Mrs. Burns answered the door with a ready smile. She looked to be around her early sixties with light grayish-blue eyes, graying brunette hair, and a stature so small, she barely reached my shoulder. She walked over with us to let us in the apartment, cooing at Remi, still snuggled in my brother’s arms.

“She’s around my grandson’s age. How I wish they lived closer.” She smiled and unlocked the door. “If you all need help unloading your things, my husband is the maintenance slash handyman here, and he’s not up to anything but watching some old western on that dang TV. I’d be more than happy to send him over if you want. That way you don’t have to leave Little Miss here sitting while you unload.” She looked at me with such kindness. I felt instantly grateful to be blessed with her for an apartment manager.

“I think we can handle it, but thank you so much for the offer.” It wasn’t like I had much, and my brothers would have it unloaded in no time.

“If you change your mind, I’ll kick his butt this direction!” She chuckled and walked back to her apartment, tossing a “See you later, then!” over her shoulder.

July 2014

I’D BEEN OUT OF the army for going on three miserable fucking months. I’d hung around San Antonio, mostly because I really had nowhere else to go and no fucking motivation to look. My disability check and the money I picked up from odd jobs here and there when I needed it was enough to keep me in the lap of luxury here on the south side of SA.

Yeah, yeah, sarcasm is the lowest form of wit. What-the-fuck-ever.

My apartment was a tiny furnished efficiency.

Absolute. Shit. Hole.

I could see daylight from the uneven space under the door. The same door that had been patched up with the knob and lock moved. I could only assume it had been kicked in at some point.

Sometimes I wondered if it was the cops who’d kicked it in or some other nefarious excuse for a human. Most times I didn’t give a shit.

When I was able to sleep, I slept with the lights on, partly due to my fear that the cockroaches would take over and partly in fear that the darkness itself would take over. The AC ran nonstop it seemed, and yet it was still hot as fuck in there.

The shades on the dirty-ass windows were broken and didn’t close, so most of the time I kept the dingy curtains drawn to keep the nasty, nosy motherfuckers around here out of my business, not because I was worried they would try to break in to steal anything.

Mechanically, I lifted the bottle of whiskey to my lips, draining the last of it. I tossed it in a drunken arch toward the trash, amazing my own drunk ass when it hit the trash and landed with a clatter of glass on glass.

Lord knew if it was hitting beer bottles or liquor bottles. Shrugging, I stood up, wavering on my feet for a minute before I took the three steps from my bed to the fridge. Yeah, I said the shithole was tiny.

Pulling the fridge open, I peered in with bleary eyes to see if there was a damn thing to eat.

Hmm, questionable Chinese takeout, milk that was four days expired based on the date on the jug, and about a quarter loaf of bread—yeah, I kept that shit in the fridge out of fear the roaches would get to that too.

Yep, looks like a beer it is.

I pulled the next to last beer from the six-pack on the top shelf, telling myself I needed to make a run to the grocery store soon. I twisted the top off using the bottom of my T-shirt, adding another hole to the rest of them. Fuck it.

As I sat back down on the edge of the bed and took a swig of the beer, I reached under my stained pillow, pulling out the only possession I actually valued. Setting my beer on the floor by my feet, I followed my routine of checking the clip, ensuring a round was chambered, and checking the safety.

Mindlessly, I rolled the pistol around in my hand. Instinct had me raising it with insane precision and speed, thumb flicking off the safety, aiming at the door when I heard a thump against it.

Sobered, I slowly lowered it and flicked the safety back on when I heard laughing and voices indicating it was just a drunk neighbor and his buddy stumbling by. My heart was racing and adrenaline coursed through my veins at light speed.

Fuck. Just fuck.

The gun felt natural in my hand, the cool steel warming to my touch like a living, breathing entity. The brushed stainless barrel of my Ruger .45 glinted dully in the light of the single bare bulb hanging from the ceiling.

Flipping the safety off again, I stared at the pistol for what seemed like hours. My hands turned the gun over and over until the muzzle was eventually pointed at my face. Breathing deeply, I placed it in my mouth, aimed toward the roof and tilted toward my brain because I would never want to be a fucking vegetable.

Slowly, I began to pull the trigger because habits die hard; you don’t jerk the trigger, you squeeze it. Hot tears welled in my eyes as my hands shook. Chest caving, I jerked the gun back out of my mouth, flipped on the safety, and tossed it across the bed like I had countless times over the last few months.

Fucking coward! I was such a piece-of-shit coward! I had pussied out and left my battle buddies hanging when I got out. Accepting the MEB because I couldn’t handle the killing anymore ate at me. Worse yet was that a deep, evil, ugly part of my soul secretly craved it.

Except I doubted I could pull the trigger on anyone in my drunken, fucked-up state, and evidently that meant on myself too.

Knowing I was sitting there broken and worthless while my brothers were still at it back in Afghanistan fucking tore me up. I hated myself. I was a fucking mess.

Breaths continued to rasp in and out of my body. Sometimes it literally hurt knowing I was able to breathe.

Hopeless, I fell back on the bed, staring at the ceiling as hot tears trailed down the sides of my face, pooling in my ears before running to the bed below.

Something’s gotta give, because I can’t live like this.

August 2014

“LOOK HOW BIG SHE’S getting! She needs to come visit Auntie Becca!”

My phone was propped up so Becca could FaceTime to see Remi trying to walk.

Remi was trying to toddle away from the edge of our little couch, but she couldn’t quite get her balance when she let go. The look of surprise on her precious little face was priceless as she plopped on her diaper-padded behind, arms outstretched and flapping at her sides.

“Aw, baby, it’s okay!”

“Good girl, Remi!” Becca cooed from the phone.

I couldn’t hold back a laugh as I dropped my arms that had been reaching for her while I sat on the floor cross-legged. At the sound of my laugh, she shot me her big, few-toothed smile, flashing those amazing little dimples as she flipped down to her hands and knees and crawled over to me so she could pounce on my lap.

Looking up at me, still giggling and smiling, she clapped her hands and squealed, letting a trail of drool run over her bottom lip. Reaching up to hold my cheeks, she kissed me in her open-mouthed, still-lipped impression of a kiss.

“Tell Auntie Becca bye-bye!” I encouraged. She grabbed for the phone with her wet fingers and I held it higher. She made an attempt at waving and we ended the call with promises to keep in touch better.

Remi was still trying to get at the phone, so I tucked it in my back pocket.

Those eyes of hers were such a bright blue and always full of laughter. She had to be the happiest baby I’d ever encountered.

The last few months had gone by in a blur.

I’d been enjoying my job at the Des Moines Embassy. The people I worked with were great, and we had a blast every day we worked. It didn’t matter if we were preparing for patrons at the restaurant or special catered dinners at The World Food Prize Hall of Laureates.

The chef and the director had told me when they hired me that they worked hard to allow for advancement when it was available and deserved, so I busted my butt every day. Of course, when you loved your job, it didn’t always seem like work. I was so blessed at that moment in time. My heart was full to bursting.

For the hundredth time, a little drop of sadness crept into my blissful thoughts for all the moments her daddy was missing. Guilt and anger at both of us for our foolishness that night plagued me. Not because I regretted the little ray of sunshine sitting in my lap but because our choices affected her.

“What am I going to tell you about your daddy when you’re old enough to start asking?” I rested my chin on her pretty little head as she sat babbling in my lap and playing with her own chubby little feet.

There was no way I could never replace Colton as her daddy, nor fill in that little corner of my heart I kept just for him, but maybe I needed to start dating. Reggie, one of my fellow prep cooks, had been getting increasingly overt in showing his interest in me and had blatantly told me he wanted to spend more time with me outside of work. He was handsome and lean with soft green eyes and a brilliant smile, but I didn’t ever feel the fire or excitement around him that I had with Colton.

Reggie was more like one of my brothers, and I had a cozy, familial type of affection for him, but that was all. I also felt greedy and selfish, because dating anyone would take time away from Remi, and I relished every single second with her.

No, I really didn’t want to get involved with a coworker. It just seemed like bad juju, I guess. However, if some handsome stranger asked, I would say yes.

Ha! Fat chance of that, but a girl could dream. I did need to spend time around adults too, I admitted. If I ever found anyone, I just wouldn’t bring him around Remi for a while, because I never wanted to be that mom who paraded men through her home and family like there was a revolving door. Remi would have enough confusion in her life with her father in the slightly “unknown” category.

I sighed and kissed my little bugga-boo again.

August 2014

THROWING AN ARM OVER my eyes, I woke with an incessant pounding in my head. Shit, I needed to stop drinking so much.

My mouth felt like a wad of cotton balls was shoved in it and tasted like the bottom of a dumpster. Not that I really knew what that tasted like, but I could fucking imagine.

Damn.

The fucking pounding wouldn’t stop. It was so bad, I swore my head might explode until I realized someone was pounding at my door, causing it to rattle on the hinges.

Cautiously, I reached under my pillow for my pistol, flipping off the safety as I heard shouting.

“Oh shut up, lady. Like you can hear anything over that mariachi crap you have blaring anyway!” came from the other side of the door. Jesus, that thing must be fucking hollow.

Quietly, I crept to the window, moving the curtain to the side an infinitesimal amount, allowing me just enough space to see who was banging on my door at this ungodly hour of the morning but not enough for them to know they were being observed. The bastard out there was good though, because no sooner had I moved the curtain than his head whipped toward the window.

“Colton! Colton, you motherfucker, open this fucking door! I know you’re in there, you bastard. Don’t fucking pretend you’re not.”

What the fuck? Who the hell knows me and knows I’m here? Who’s this rude-ass sonofabitch banging on my door, wearing some ratty jeans and a leather vest?

My mind whirred, trying to think of who could be out there looking for me. I was about three seconds from planting a bullet in his stupid ass. My brain felt like mush, and I couldn’t think straight. I slanted my view and noticed a bike parked next to mine in front of my place.

“Colton! You fucking fuck. Come on, man! It’s Mason. Get your sorry ass up and open the fucking door. I don’t have all day, and this crazy Mexican lady next door is about to beat the shit out of me with her broom!”

Mason? What the fuck? He’s supposed to be home with his family in Iowa.

I unlocked the shitty-ass lock, which I was honestly surprised hadn’t just fucking popped open as hard as he was rattling it with his pounding. After opening the door, I tucked my gun into the back of my waistband as he pushed his way inside, surrounding me with a back-breaking bear hug.

“Goddamn, man, it’s good to see you! Don’t you ever answer your piece-of-shit phone, bro? I’ve been trying to call you for months. I was beginning to think maybe you fell off the face of the earth!” If only he knew how close to the truth he was, I thought with shame. “Dude, what the fuck? You look like shit, and what the fuck kind of rathole are you living in? Jesus H. Christ!” He stepped over to my kitchen area and leaned against the counter as I shut and locked the door after looking around outside and giving the nosy bitch next door a “fuck off” glare.

I went over to the fridge, opening it to notice the fucking bulb blew. Piece of shit. Glad I went to the store last night, or I wouldn’t have had anything to offer my old friend. “You want a beer, man?”

“The fuck? It’s like 0900, bro. I like a cold beer as well as the next guy, but shit, I like some breakfast food in me first.” He pushed past me to look in the fridge with me, reaching for an apple.

Annoyingly jovial, he took a large bite, juice spraying out and running down his chin as he bit down. He wiped it off with the back of his hand as he happily chewed. The crunching echoed through my head, and I had to go sit down away from him.

Tossing back a pain pill, I raised my ice-cold beer in salute to him and took a swig. “Hair of the dog. Now what the fuck you doing down here? And what the fuck’s with the vest getup?” I took in his black leather vest with a patch that read “PROSPECT” and raised a brow, waiting for him to answer me as I let another swallow of cold beer trickle down my throat and settle in my gut.

“We trailered down here because we’re picking up a bike we’re supposed to customize for some rich fuck. I’ve been trying to get in touch with you for damn near three months, man. When they told me you had left the WTU and you were out, I was pissed ’cause you never fucking called me or anything, bro. So when Snow, our prez, needed a prospect to travel down here with Gunny to pick up this bike, I volunteered. I’m a prospect for the Demented Sons now. Gunny is my sponsor.” The fucker was smiling like the Cheshire cat.

Truth be told, I had really missed his sorry ass. We had been through a lot of shit together, and we were probably closer than some actual blood brothers.

My head hung low because I knew I’d been a straight-up shit with the way I cut him out after I left BAMC. I simply didn’t feel like I was human enough to function, let alone be the friend he probably needed then. Truth be told, I still didn’t, and I really hoped he got on his bike and left soon. I just wanted to wallow in my misery alone. I was not the friend and partner he remembered.

I was merely a vacant shell of that man.

“Dude. Colton, man, what have you got here? Anything? You got a woman around here or something?”

Did I have a woman?

Fuck. I hadn’t had any pussy since the night I left the WTU with all my worldly possessions crammed in my bike’s saddlebags. Truth be told, I couldn’t even fuck her because I kept seeing blonde hair and blue eyes in my head, and the dumb bar whore I had picked up didn’t look anything like her.

My angel had been the last woman I’d slept with. When I couldn’t keep it up no matter how much the whore messed around, she laughed in my face and told me to call her when I didn’t have such whiskey dick. I told her to fuck off and booted her out of my hotel room.

“Fuck no.” Didn’t want one either.

“Bro, ditch this shithole and come back with me. I’ve told Gunny all about you and everything we’ve been through, and he wants to meet you. He was in the Marine Corps—I try not to hold that against him.” He laughed. “I told him I wanted to bring you back with me if I could find you. I hoped maybe you could look at prospecting too, if it seems like a good fit for you and the club.” He seemed to get real serious as he looked down at the apple core he’d been rolling in his fingers. “It was rough when I first got home, bro, I ain’t gonna lie. I felt fucking lost. Everything I’d known was gone, and there isn’t much call for a spotter in the civies’ world, you know?” He looked back up at me, and for a moment, I saw the same emptiness in his eyes that I felt to my very soul.

“Come on, bro, this is the brotherhood that I know you’ve been missing. With the club, we say what we mean and mean what we say, and we have each other’s backs. Always. I can’t leave you here like this. I love you, bro.”

April 2016

IT WAS A CHILLY day for late April, but the sun was shining warm and bright, so I thought maybe Remi and I could take a walk up to the park.

We’d been in our new apartment in the 14Forty building for almost a year. The rent was a little higher, and I hated to leave Mrs. Burns, who had turned out to be an amazing babysitter for Remi over that first year, but I loved the old exposed bricks of our new apartment and the proximity to my job and everything downtown.

I was a sucker for historic buildings and being downtown, so when a one-bedroom opened up at the end of my old apartment’s year lease, I took it. Remi had celebrated her first birthday that January, and we moved in on the first of May.

The new apartment had meant money was a little tighter, but since I was able to walk to work and Pam, who lived down the hall, babysat Remi for me for a great rate, it helped offset the rent. I was still setting aside little chunks of money out of my check here and there though. I called it my “someday” account, for “someday I was going to buy a house or start my own restaurant.”

Pam was a sister of one of my coworkers, Sylvia, and charged me next to nothing because she adored Remi and said she just wanted some extra spending money. I didn’t see how Pam needed the extra money since her husband had a great accounting job at Wells Fargo down the road, but who was I to judge?

We still only had one bedroom, so I had Remi set up in there and we shared the closet while I slept on my pull-out sofa. Okay, most nights I was too lazy to pull it out, so I just slept on the sofa.

I bundled Remi up in her pink faux leopard jacket with a matching hat.

“Look at how stylish you are, pretty girl.” My comment elicited a big dimpled smile as she patted her hat just like she understood every word and was pleased with my compliment.

As she chattered away, I placed her in her stroller, slipped on her little shoes, and we headed out. At two years old, I knew she’d rather walk, but it was easier to keep her corralled on the way there. Not to mention she was invariably tired on the way back, which translated to “Carry me, Mommy!” and she was a heavy little stinker now.

As I turned to lock the door, I noticed a man carrying a box. After he reached a door down the hall, he juggled the box to one arm and slid the key into the lock. I couldn’t help but notice how good-looking he was. He paused, and I realized he caught me gawking at him.

“Uh, hi! Are you moving in today?” Wow, that was smooth and brilliant sounding. My face heated all the way to my ears, and I knew I must match Remi’s hot-pink stroller. Obviously, I’d lost all ability to be suave and flirt since graduating college and becoming a mother.

Embarrassed, I tucked my hair behind my ear and prayed my face calmed quickly.

“Why, yes I am. Why? Are you offering to help?” Laughing, he set his box down and came down the hall toward me. He extended his hand to shake mine. “Michael. And you are?”

As we shook hands, I noticed his sandy hair was a little in need of a haircut, and I wanted to touch it to see if it was as silky as it looked. His eyes were a soft green, and his smile was slightly crooked. My belly gave a little flip as I experienced the appreciation of a good-looking guy standing so close to me. Heck, what could I say? I was human, after all.

“Oh! I’m Steph, and this is my daughter. My little Remi. We were heading out to the park to enjoy the sunshine. I don’t mean to keep you. Welcome to our little corner of the world. We’ve been here about a year, and we love it.” Even after I let go of his hand, the warmth from his grasp lingered.

Leaning over, I covered Remi again with her little blanket she had kicked off. Surprisingly, he knelt down to her level and smiled at her in greeting. When he touched her chubby little fingers, she lit up and giggled.

“Dimples on a dark-haired, blue-eyed princess. Ahhhh, I’m slayed.” Dramatically, he held his hand over his heart and rolled his eyes back in mock dismay. This elicited further giggles from Remi, and I couldn’t hold back a small chuckle of my own. Giving a last small wave to Remi, he smiled at her and then stood, meeting my eyes.

Remi waved and said, “Bye-bye!” not realizing he wasn’t actually leaving when he’d waved.

With a chuckle, he waved again before returning his gaze to mine.

“I don’t exactly have any of my kitchen things unpacked and thought I would go grab dinner somewhere tonight. So, if it wouldn’t be too presumptuous of me, it sure would be nice to have the company of two beautiful ladies. And did I mention I’m new to the area and don’t really know anyone? Have pity on a poor lonely guy? I promise I don’t bite.”

At those words, I was taken back to a night outside a college party—one I wasn’t even going to attend—and a set of dimples, paired with blue eyes that matched perfectly to my beautiful little girl’s.

I looked down as my smile slipped. After composing myself, I met his eyes again. Reviving my smile, I took a deep breath.

“We might be able to do that. We can meet you at the little diner up the road if you’d like? It doesn’t look like much, but they have amazing food, great staff, and it’s clean. It’s up about six or seven blocks. Will that work?” I looked at him, expecting him to back out any minute.

“Sounds perfect. Say, around six? I figure that will keep you from having your little one out too late. Unless you would like to do five instead?”

“No, six is great. So, I guess we’ll see you there?”

“It’s a ‘not date’ dinner, then.” He winked.

Until dinner that night, I hadn’t realized how long it had been since I had sat down and had actual adult interactions. Michael and I sat and conversed in an easy banter through dinner, dessert, and coffee. We were still sitting at the old flecked Formica table with the glittery red 50s-style booth seats talking as little Remi began to rub her eyes, dropping her cookie she was still working on.

“Well, that looks like my cue. I didn’t realize so much time had passed,” I said as I looked at my watch, noting the late hour. The diner was nearly empty, and the waitress was wiping down the tables around us.

As I stood and gathered Remi’s little toy cell phone and her jacket, he stood and unbuckled her from her booster chair, lifting her until her head rested on his shoulder. The simple paternal gesture tugged at my heartstrings, while the overprotective mother in me was antsy with a man I didn’t really know holding my child.

“You’re good with children,” I noted.

With horror only a parent can understand, I watched Remi grab his shirt with a grubby little hand, which I quickly tried to loosen and wipe with a water-dampened napkin.

“I am so sorry. She got cookie all over your shirt!” Shit, I couldn’t believe she had just messed up his clothes.

“No worries. I’m used to it after my nieces and nephews. They made it their singular goal in life to christen me with anything and everything they could. Man, I’m going to miss them,” he said with a look of longing. I knew from our conversation that he came from a large, but close, family down by Davenport, and he’d moved here to take a supervisory position with a construction company that had expanded to the Des Moines area. Because I missed my family too, I understood his ache for home.

Even though I tried to pay for Remi and me, he intercepted the waitress when she moved to hand me my order slip. It made me guilty because I’d never intended for him to pay for our meals, especially after he had made it sound like our “not date” was definitely just two people sharing company over food.

“No, you don’t need to pay for us. Please, I can get it.”

“Of course not. Just because I said this wasn’t a date, per se, I still invited you. It’s my treat. Please, I insist.” Without waiting for me to argue further, he handed cash to the waitress for both tickets.

He continued to hold Remi while I put her coat on her.

“Let me help you get her out to your vehicle.” Kindness shone from his eyes, which made my worry seem foolish.

I slipped on my jacket and grabbed her bag, tucking her bib, toy, and sippy cup in it before slinging it over my shoulder. “Thank you again, Michael.”

“It is my absolute pleasure,” he replied as he held Remi with one arm and opened the door for me with the other. Glancing at him, I walked out the door and over to my SUV with him next to me in companionable silence. It really had been a good night.

Michael was extremely polite and handsome. And he had a great personality too.

After I’d buckled her in her seat and tucked her blanket around her legs, she mumbled sleepily as her eyes fluttered open and then closed again. Her little head dropped off to the side of her seat as she snuggled into her small cuddle blankie. Giving her a gentle kiss on her head, I ran my hand against her cheek.

“You’re a good mother, Steph.” His soft voice startled me, as I’d forgotten he was there. It wasn’t until I turned to find him standing behind me with his hand resting on the top of the door that I realized how close we were.

It made me a little self-conscious as we stood there without speaking, and I shifted from one foot to the other.

“Ummm, so, thank you again for dinner.”

“I told you, it was my pleasure.” He reached over and tipped my chin up so I was looking at him instead of the ground. As I met his green eyes, I swear I thought he was going to kiss me.

Instead, he leaned closer and placed a gentle closed-mouth kiss to my cheek. “Thank you for the wonderful company.” He stepped back, allowing me room to close the door and get in the driver seat to start my SUV. With a shy smile, I backed out to head home and gave him a little wave, which he returned with a smile of his own.

Well, that was an unexpected end to a beautiful day.

June 2016

MICHAEL AND I BEGAN spending more time together. Over the past couple of months, we’d had dinner a few times here and there, but we mostly watched movies at my place so Remi could go to bed and not disturb her schedule.

He’d frequently texted me to tell me he was thinking about me and hoped all was well or asked if I was having a good day. It made me smile, and I thought it was sweet that he checked on me like that. We’d developed a comfortable relationship that we hadn’t really defined.

The first night we took our relationship to the next level, we were watching a suspense film, and I’d jumped after the main character was caught going through her maniacal boyfriend’s briefcase just when we thought she was safe.

Of course, that caused me to laugh nervously after it made me feel silly. Michael chuckled and drew me closer with the arm he had around my shoulder.

I’d turned to him, and we both stopped laughing. Silence reigned as we looked deep into each other’s eyes, and my heart raced for a minute in anticipation. He’d leaned forward, and his lips had touched mine hesitantly. When I’d parted my lips slightly, he ran his tongue along the opening of my mouth, sliding it in past my teeth and touching mine in smooth strokes. As his hand caressed my shoulder, I placed a hand on his chest and leaned in a bit.

His other hand slid up from my hip to the side of my chest. Gently, he rubbed my breast along the side and then slid it over and squeezed.

For a second, I was taken back to a night that seemed like ages ago and remembered calloused hands running over my entire body in worship and ownership. It didn’t take long for reality to return and realization to sink in that this wasn’t him.

I’m not sure what I’d expected or hoped for, but other than the anticipatory increase in my heart rate at the actual touch of a real living, breathing man and not my imagination… I really didn’t feel much.

Granted, we were still new in our relationship. And I’d had very few sexual opportunities since Remi was born.

Call me insane, but each time I’d experienced a crazy sense of betrayal toward a man I truly owed no allegiance. When I pulled back, I pressed my lips together, looking down at my hand resting on his chest. Trying to make light of what was suddenly an uncomfortable situation, I gave him a pat.

“Steph, I’m sorry. I hope you don’t think I was being too forward. I’ve tried my very best to be patient with you. You’re a special woman. I want you to know that.” He tipped my chin up, raising my gaze to his. I thought I saw a flash of irritation in his eyes, but it was gone so quickly I must have imagined it.

“No, it’s just… well, I’m not sure I’m ready for… well… you know.” My face heated, and I was at a loss for words. “I mean, there hasn’t been anyone at all since Remi’s….” I didn’t know what else to say. How did I describe Colton?

He wasn’t ever her dad, nor my boyfriend, but he held a spot in my heart just the same. I didn’t want Michael to get the wrong idea and think I was a cheap tramp. Thankfully, he remained ever the gentleman as he stood and held my hand. Though I knew he was a little frustrated. It was evident by the slight bulge in his jeans, which caused my face to flame again as I quickly tried to look away.

“It’s okay, Steph. I understand. And when you’re ready to talk about him, I’m here. You think I haven’t noticed her father never comes by, nor has any visitation? But that’s your business, and I won’t pry. I think it’s time for me to head home. I have an early morning anyway.” He dropped a quick kiss on my head and turned to leave.

Without another word, he walked out my front door, and I heard him close the door to his apartment down the hall.

Why couldn’t I let go of Colton? He and I only had one single night together three years ago. He could be a total ass, have a girlfriend, or be married for all I knew. I needed to stop carrying around this stupid romanticized image of him.

Hell, he could be dead by now!

God, the thought of him being gone like that nearly brought me to my knees. Jesus. There was a tightness in my chest, and I fought to calm my breathing.

For Christ’s sake, I needed to forget about him. I was never going to see him again, and holding every man up to this fabricated image I carried around was pathetic.

Needing to burn nervous energy, I got up to tidy the kitchen and get ready for bed. I had a busy day tomorrow too. We had a huge executive dinner lined up, and I knew everyone wanted to make sure everything was perfect.

I’d just finished the dishes when I heard my phone ping. After I dried my hands on the kitchen towel and hung it on the stove handle, I picked it up.

Michael: I hope I haven’t offended you. I’d like to stop by after you get home tomorrow.

Me: It’s okay, really. And sure, no problem. :)

Michael: Great. See you then. Sleep well.

With a smile, I climbed on the couch, pulling my fuzzy blanket tight over my shoulder and snuggling my head into my pillow.

I didn’t even remember falling asleep before the alarm on my phone was going off.

July 2016

TODAY’S CATERING JOB HAD gone off without a hitch, but we’d all worked fast and furious to get everything prepared to the high standards we maintained. June and July were always busy months due to all the weddings, and this year had been the busiest on record according to all the other prep cooks and the sous chef.

It was later than usual by the time I got home, and I was so thankful for Pam’s offer to leave Remi at her place since she was already sleeping.

She was so sweet.

“I don’t want you to worry about disturbing Remi’s sleep and then trying to get her settled again at home. She’s fine. Besides, she’ll be coming back in the morning anyway. Drop off her clean things before you go tomorrow. No biggie.” Whispering, we walked back toward her door.

Exhausted, I left Pam’s apartment and was digging through my purse for my keys as I walked down the hall. When I slammed into a solid form, it caused me to stumble back until my arms were grabbed in a tight, painful grip. Startled, I looked up into Michael’s angry expression.

“Where have you been? I’ve been worried sick! You didn’t answer your text messages or calls! What the hell, Steph?” He loosened his hold. I was immediately sorry I’d worried him, but damn, he’d really hurt me.

“Michael! Crap, you frightened me! I’m sorry. I didn’t have my phone on me all day, and we were so busy, I never thought to check it at all. After I got off, my battery was dead because I had forgotten to plug it in to charge last night. I’m sorry, I never meant to worry you. Then I stopped to pick up Remi, but she’s asleep, and Pam and I got to talking.” I knew I was rambling, but I felt so bad that I was apologizing all over myself.

“It’s okay. I forgive you. Just don’t do that to me again. I hate being worried about you. You really shouldn’t walk home alone when you get off late. It’s not safe.”

Geez, it was like I was in high school again with my dad lecturing me. I fought rolling my eyes.

“I didn’t walk all the way by myself, Michael. Reggie walked most of the way with me, so I only had to walk about a block by myself.” I thought I saw his nostrils flare and his jaw tighten. “I know we said we would hang out tonight, but I’m really tired. Today was crazy, and I’m exhausted. I think I’m going to go to sleep early.” My fatigue was increasing by the second.

“Fine. No problem, Steph. We can make up for it tomorrow. Get some sleep, and I’ll see you tomorrow night. Do you want me to give you a ride to work tomorrow?”

“No, I’m good, really. I enjoy the exercise, and the weather has been cool enough by the time I get off that it’s a beautiful walk.”

He didn’t look pleased by my response, but I knew he had been worried about me. Kissing him gently on the cheek, I unlocked my door to go in. When I tried to push the door shut, Michael’s foot stopped it from closing.

“Please don’t be upset with me for worrying about you. I really care about you, Steph.” He reached out, pulling me into his embrace. Though I tried to loosen his hold, he held me tight.

Look, I can’t lie, I was starting to get a little claustrophobic and panicked for a minute. At least until he let me go abruptly, pressed a kiss to my lips, and stepped back.

“It’s okay. And I know you do.”

Nodding, he then turned and walked out into the hall, waiting for me to lock my door before he left.

“Make sure you charge your phone tonight,” he said through the door.

Rattled, I hung my coat on one of the pegs inside my door and set my bag on the kitchen counter. Reaching for a glass from the cupboard, I wondered what the heck that was all about.

Michael had seemed very worried about me, but shit, I’d been walking home from work just fine for quite a while. It was pretty late though. And he was right, I needed to make sure I charged my phone tonight.

I was usually very responsible. Thinking about it more, I realized I could have missed calls from Pam if something happened to Remi. Of course, she knew how to get a hold of me at work too.

Oh well, I was too tired to even think anymore. After I sat on the couch, I plugged in my phone, flipped on the TV to watch a little of the news, and promptly dozed off sitting up, still dressed in my clothes.

REGGIE, SYLVIA, PAUL, AND I walked out of the Embassy laughing over how red Chef Jonas had gotten when he and the sous chef had argued about the menu for next week.

“Oh my God. His face blended in with his hair!” Reggie chortled. Jonas was a redhead, and when he got mad, his face tended to match his flaming red hair. It happened quite often and had us holding back our laughter to prevent his ire from being targeted at us.

“Hey, Steph, you wanna grab a drink on the way home?” Sylvia asked as she rummaged around in her purse.

“It’s Friday night. We should, but damn, I’m tired.”

“Me too,” Paul piped up. “I don’t feel like we stopped all day.”

“Exactly why we need a drink!” Sylvia tried to convince us, but we all grimaced and looked at each other.

“Sorry, hon. I’m beat. Besides, I’ve got Remi waiting on me.” Giving her an apologetic smile, I shrugged.

We started down the road toward the bus stop where Sylvia and Paul would part company from Reggie and me. I heard someone call my name and turned to see Michael striding purposefully toward me.

He looked angry, and I couldn’t imagine what had happened to get him so upset. My friends stopped with me, Sylvia looking at me in question and concern.

As Michael reached us, I told them, “Go on without me. Everything’s probably fine. Enjoy your weekends, and I’ll see you Monday.”

Reggie gave Michael a look of irritation. “Are you sure you don’t want me to wait?”

I knew he still had a thing for me, but he had accepted when I didn’t encourage his hints about us going out for dinner.

I was about to tell him everything was cool when Michael placed his arm around me in a proprietary manner.

“She’s fine. I’m going to give her a ride home. She’s not your concern.” I heard him mutter, “asshole,” under his breath, and I looked sharply at him and then imploringly at Reggie in apology for Michael’s snappy, rude behavior.

Reggie didn’t look convinced, but when I smiled and nodded, he grudgingly turned to walk home.

“What the hell was that all about? What happened to put you in such a foul mood?” I couldn’t believe he’d acted like that in front of my friends. To be perfectly honest, I was shocked because he’d always been so sweet and caring toward me.

“Who the hell was that guy? Jesus, are you fucking him? Is that why you’re holding out on me? Is he the real reason you were late last night?” He seemed to get more irate as he spit his accusing questions at me. My shock was so great, I couldn’t even find words to reply.

“Get in the truck, Steph. I’m giving you a ride home. These streets aren’t safe enough for you. You need to be more careful. What would you do if I wasn’t here to take care of you?”

Angry, I tried to jerk my arm from his punishing grasp, but he only tightened his hold and pulled me to his truck.

Before I knew it, he was opening the door and waiting impatiently for me to get in. Because I didn’t want to argue out there, I got in and buckled up.

“Michael, I think you have the wrong idea, and I don’t know where the heck you came up with that crap. They are my friends, and I work with them. That is it. If you can’t handle me working with men, then maybe whatever this is isn’t fucking working.” I was getting more and more pissed off the longer I thought about what had just happened.

“Don’t say that word!” he shouted, “Steph, you’re a lady. Ladies do not swear like sailors. I don’t ever want to hear you using language like that.”

Stunned at his outburst, I sat quietly during the short ride home.

When he pulled into the parking garage and parked his truck, he took a deep breath and seemed to collect himself.

“I’m sorry, Steph, baby. I just get so worried about you, and I think I’m really falling hard for you. The thought of something happening to you drives me crazy.” He gently placed his hand on my cheek and leaned over, pressing a kiss on my lips.

“It’s okay.” Still uncertain of my feelings, I looked at my hands twisting in my lap. He took my bag as he got out of the truck, and I slowly followed him toward the building.

We didn’t say any more as he walked with me to Pam’s to pick up Remi and carried my chattering daughter down to my apartment.

After taking my keys from my bag, he opened my door and set Remi down. She toddled off into her room, where she started to pull blocks out of her toy box.

“I should give Remi a bath and get her ready for bed.” I thought Michael would take that as a hint that I wanted to be alone tonight. Instead, he walked into my kitchen, grabbed a beer from my fridge, and set my bag down by the couch as he sat down and turned on the TV. Exasperated, I figured I would let him chill and then talk to him after I finished with Remi.

“Mommy!” Remi came running out of her room with a block in each hand and a smile on her face. I scooped her up, burying my face in her sweet-smelling hair.

I kissed her dimples, which had become a routine with us since she was a baby, and she laughed. I called them “Mommy’s kissy spots,” and it always made her giggle. She dropped the blocks, slapping her hands to either side of my face and planting a big slobbery kiss on my lips. “Luss you, Mommy!”

“Love you too, sweet girl.” I laughed, hugging her tight as we went into the bathroom. After closing the door, I started to run the water.

A big sigh escaped as I let my hair down from the tight bun I wore it in for work and replaced it with my messy bun. Grabbing sweats and a tee from the hook on the back of the door, I quickly changed while the water ran but kept a close eye on my angel as she leaned over, splashing her hand in it.

Finally, my work uniform got tossed haphazardly in the hamper and I stripped Remi of her clothes, placing hers in the hamper with mine.

“In you go!” Bouncing her in the air before setting her in the water had her squealing.

Remi splashed and giggled through her bath, and I was as wet as she was by the end of it.

Dressed in her fuzzy blue-footed pj’s with Cinderella on them, she ran out of the door as soon as I opened it. Like a little madwoman, she raced to the living room, struggling to climb in Michael’s lap.

He dropped my phone on the couch as he reached for her to hug her and kiss her cheek. After his recent outburst, I couldn’t help feeling uneasy with him holding her. Trying to act cheery, I walked up to them and picked her up from his lap.

“Tell Michael night-night.”

Remi waved her little hand and then placed it spread wide open over her mouth before rapidly pulling it away. I laughed at her attempt to blow kisses.

Lord, I love this baby girl. It was hard to believe she was two years old already. As she rubbed her eyes, I took her to her room and sat in the glider to read her a bedtime story.

By the time I was done, she was already nodding off to sleep. For a moment, I sat there enjoying the feel of my baby girl snuggled in my arms and tried to collect my thoughts.

Was I overreacting to what happened? Maybe I was just tired and was blowing things out of proportion. After all, he had never lost his cool like that with me before.

Careful not to wake her, I placed Remi in her crib. Leaning over, I kissed her hair, breathing in the scent of her baby shampoo, her lotion, and the refreshing smell that was simply Remi. As I raised the rail of the crib, I told myself I was going to have to start looking for a toddler bed for her.

When I walked out to the living room, I wished I had kept my bra on because my shirt was soaked from Remi’s splashing and sticking to my breasts. Between the wet shirt and the air conditioning, my nipples were erect.

Michael stared at them, licking his lips, causing me to cross my arms over my chest.

Eww. For some reason, that was just creepy. After I saw my phone sitting on the coffee table, I remembered he’d been looking at it earlier.

“Why did you get my phone out?” I asked him.

“Huh? Oh, I was just checking to see what version of iPhone you had. I have a bunch of cases I never used from mine, and I thought you could use them if it was the right one. But you have a 4s. Mine was a 5. That’s all.”

It seemed a little odd that he didn’t just ask me, but he was a real sweetheart most of the time, and that seemed like something he would do. He stood up, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me close. But I couldn’t meet his eyes. He kissed my forehead and stepped back, bending a little at the knee to look me in the eye.

“We good, baby?”

Giving him a half-hearted smile, I nodded. “Yeah, but I think I’m gonna go to bed.”

He stood up straight and motioned toward the couch. “Do you want me to stay with you since neither of us work tomorrow? I can help you pull out the couch. I’ll just hold you. No pressure, babe.”

“Actually, I need to do a few things. Then I’ll probably just crash, but thanks.” Hoping he would go, I waited. I really wanted to call my mom and unwind, because I hadn’t talked to her in forever.

Though he didn’t look happy, he nodded and started for the door.

“Good night, Steph. Sleep tight.”

After he let himself out, I plopped on the couch, reaching for my phone to call my mom. That was when I saw the app store was open on the screen.

Weird, I didn’t remember opening it, but I must have hit it accidentally before I closed it earlier.

My mom answered on the third ring. She was so happy to hear my voice, and I felt guilty for not calling more often.

Despite the text messages and pics or videos I sent of Remi, I’d been bad about calling. There was no denying I was still hiding, but I also accepted I needed to stop.

“Please come home next weekend, Steph. Your brother is having a cookout, and we all miss Remi,” she begged.

“Just Remi, huh?” Joking with her lightened my mood.

“Oh, of course you too,” she added teasingly, making me laugh.

“I’ll see what I can do, Mom.” Once again, I didn’t tell her about Michael. Of course, I wasn’t really sure what to tell her. Despite all the time we spent together, I’d never introduced him as my boyfriend. He did seem to be acting like there was more to our relationship than I thought there was though.

After we ended our call, I placed my phone on the charger and lay down, falling asleep almost instantly.

Why my dreams were once again filled with blue eyes, dimples, inky hair, a deep voice, and a perfect smile, I had no idea….

“HEY, REAPER, YOU ABOUT done with that oil change, man? The dude is back early and was wondering if by chance his bike was ready.”

Wiping my greasy hands on a rag, I looked over at Gunny as he walked into the shop.

“Yeah, bro, I actually finished it a few minutes ago. I was just cleaning everything up. I’ll bring it around for him.” After ensuring my hands were good, I hopped on the customer’s bike, started it up, and pulled it out of the garage.

Damn, summers were hot in Iowa. Sometimes I wondered if I was crazy or if it was really hotter here in northern Iowa than back home in Tennessee.

Shit. Sweat ran down my back.

As I parked it up front, the guy came out of the office with a smile. He loved his Indian, and according to the guys, he’d been bringing it to us for maintenance for several years.

It was a sweet ride, but I was partial to my baby. Nothing could beat a Harley in my opinion. We shook hands and he drove off. Another satisfied customer.

Fuck, it had been a long day. As I stood there, I stretched my back. My left leg was a little achy after all the crouching I’d done too.

The garage the club owned and ran was one of our “legitimate” businesses, and we were always busy with bikes this time of year. During the winter, we worked more on cars and trucks, but work stayed steady year-round.

It had been hot as fuck, and I was ready to wrap shit up and head over to the Oasis for a cold beer and maybe a game of pool. After putting my tools away, I headed to the next bay to see if Mason, more commonly called Hollywood now, was ready to go.

“Hey, fucker! Get your slow ass moving! I’m ready for a fucking beer. I’m heading to the Oasis. Not in the mood to drink at the club. Gretchen won’t quit fucking with me, and I just don’t want to deal with her shit.” I kicked his feet as he lay on a creeper under a Camaro.

He rolled out from under it, his trademark grin in place. “Did you say beer?”

“Christ, even covered in grease you’re such a pretty boy.” I shook my head and laughed when he jumped up and went to the sink to wash his hands.

“Reaper, dude, you’re the one who messed up there. She thinks she’s special to you and is telling people it’s only a matter of time before she’s your ol’ lady. You should’ve never gone back for seconds, man. You went and got her hopes up, since you never mess with the same broad twice.” He laughed at me as he watched me through the mirror while he washed his hands, arms, and face and dried off.

“Man, fuck you, Hollywood. I was fucking drunk, and she crawled into bed with me. I couldn’t have told you who the fuck she was that night. Stupid bitch wants to be sneaky, then she deserves to be disappointed. I don’t want a fucking ol’ lady, and if I did, it sure as hell wouldn’t be a club whore who’s fucked every brother in the club at least fifty times each. Nasty bitch. I’m just glad I was in control of my faculties enough to use a condom, or the next thing she’d be saying is she’s pregnant.” Ready to go, I got on my bike and started it up, waiting for Hollywood. Once he got on his bike, we headed downtown to the Oasis.

Pulling up in front of the bar, we backed our bikes up next to the other three already parked there.

Looked like some of the brothers beat us. Of course Pops was there.

Wonder if Mama Jean made up some of her homemade pretzel bites.

Mama Jean and Pops had owned and operated the Oasis for the last thirty years or more. Pops was one of the original members of the Demented Sons MC, and he was head over heels for Mama.

They’d never had any kids, and she took all of the brothers from the club in as her “boys.” I tried to pretend I hated her calling us boys, but truth be told, she was a great person, and it felt good to have someone who was like a mother to me.

Fuck, I missed my mother every fucking day, even though it had been almost nine years since she died thanks to a drunk driver. If he hadn’t killed himself in the accident that day, I would have put a fucking bullet in his skull. Piece-of-shit asshole. I fucking hated drunk drivers as much as I hated goddamn terrorist assholes and as much as Prez hated hard drugs since his little brother OD’d on meth seven years ago.

Looking forward to a cold beer, I walked in through the door that had to have been original to the old building.

The bar was dim and smelled like smoke, beer, and old musty building, but it was all part of the appeal. The exposed brick walls gave it a warm, almost Prohibition-era feel. The pool tables in the back were already in use, Snow and Pops in the middle of a game on one, some young preppy college pukes on the other.

Hollywood and I walked over to the beat-up bar and each pulled up a creaking barstool to wait for the college fucks to finish their game.

Mama Jean ambled up and placed a cold Corona, complete with a lime sticking out the top, in front of me and a Bud Light in front of Hollywood. Yeah, she knew us all well.

“Thanks, Mama Jean.” With a smile, I grabbed the Corona, shoved the lime inside, and took a deep drink. After I was done, I set my beer back down on a little cardboard coaster that had seen better days.

“So how’s life treatin’ you, Mama?”

She smiled at the drawl I could never really shake and leaned across the bar to give me a rough kiss on the cheek.

Mama was a big-busted woman who, despite her nearly sixty or so years, still had coal-black hair. I had a sneaking suspicion it was from a bottle, but I sure as shit wasn’t busting her out. Deep lines on her face spoke of the many years on the back of Pops’ bike, though they were probably a little to do with the cigarettes that had given her the raspy voice she still had even though she quit a few years ago.

“Shitty, thanks for asking, Reaper. My back is killing me, and my feet are gonna fall off one of these days. I’ve been after Pops to sell this joint so we can travel more before we’re too damn old to do it. It’s just this old place has been the only baby we ever had. I’d have to find just the right people to take over. It would break my heart to see it close down.” She scowled and I laughed at her. We both knew she wouldn’t let this place go no matter how much shit she talked. She loved it, and she loved us coming in here to see her.

Hollywood started batting his eyes in a crazy-ass imitation of a little kid. “Hey, Mama Jean, you sure look gorgeous today. I don’t suppose you have any fresh pretzels and beer cheese dip?” She swatted at his arm and laughed. “You know you make the best beer cheese dip in the world.”

“Cripes, kid, you don’t need to lay it on so thick. You know Mama will hook you up, but don’t think you’re getting them for free just ’cause you’re good at baffling me with bullshit.” She sauntered to the back to get the pretzels, laughing the whole way.

After she brought them out, we sat drinking our beer. I reached over and grabbed one of his pretzels, dipping it in the cheese before he could pull it away.

“Hey, you shit, order your own!” Hollywood dragged the plate over to the side, out of my reach. Shooting me an exaggerated glare every so often, he continued shoving pretzel bites in his face as I smirked and finished my beer.

Mama walked up, setting a plate of them in front of me. “They’re on the house, Reaper.”

Trying to hold back a smile, she gave a sidelong look at Hollywood.

“What? That’s not fair! Why’s he so special?” Hollywood pouted like a two-year-old, and I couldn’t help but laugh at him.

Holding up my empty bottle, I asked Mama for another. After she set it in front of me, we enjoyed the rest of our pretzel bites before getting up to grab the pool table that had been vacated. As I left my stool, I tossed a generous tip on the bar for Mama along with the money for my beers.

Hollywood racked ’em up for the game, and I picked out a pool cue, chalked the tip, and blew off the excess, creating a brief green cloud.

The game was close, and he only kicked my ass because I sank the fucking cue ball with the eight ball when I saw a tan, blonde-haired chick walked in the bar. When she turned around, she looked at me with her big brown eyes, and I resumed breathing.

Fuckin’ A. Why did I think it was her? Why did I care?

But I knew the answer.

It was the same reason I only fucked women from behind. Because it was easier to pretend they were her if I couldn’t see their faces. Because she was still under my skin after three fucking years.

“Hollywood, I gotta run, man.” After I put the pool cue up and hugged him, I patted the patch on his cut firmly.

“Don’t be a pussy just because you lost. Best two out of three.” He grinned. Motherfucking little shit.

“Shut the fuck up, bro, and respect your elders. I need a ride to clear my head. You can join me if you want.”

“Aw, fuck you, bro. You’re only a year older than me. And yeah, I’m game. I’m always up for a little wind therapy. Let me settle up with Mama.” He walked over to the bar, taking the opportunity to flirt with blondie and her friend.

Typical Hollywood. Looking the other way, I walked outside to wait on him, trying to think of anything but how she had felt underneath me… riding me… snuggled up against my cock with her back pressed to my chest and my hand tucked around her tit.

Jesus. What the fuck is wrong with me?

She was probably married by now and hadn’t given me a second damn thought. She probably didn’t even remember what the fuck I looked like. Besides, she sure as shit deserved better than me.

These were all things I told myself, but since coming back up to Iowa, at least once a week I talked myself out of riding down to her old house to see if by chance she was still there.

Besides, what would I say when I knocked on the door? “Oh, hey. Is there a great-looking blonde here with amazing sky blue eyes, legs that go on forever, and the perkiest tits this side of the Appalachians?” Yeah, that would work. They would probably call the cops on me. That would piss Snow off.

What I needed to do was quit thinking every fucking blonde I saw was her.

We raced down the road, handlebar to handlebar, as the sun began to set in the sky behind us. My hair blew in the wind, flapping wildly, as our bikes continued to eat up the miles on the asphalt. There was absolutely nothing like the freedom of the wind whipping against my clothes and plastering my cut to my chest.

It was so much easier to think and clear my mind.

I could breathe.

I could outrun my demons. At least temporarily.

As darkness descended, I figured we better turn back. Honestly, I’d ridden without any idea of exactly how far we’d gone.

Realizing I needed gas, I pulled over at a gas station to fill up and take a piss. As Hollywood pulled up to the pump opposite me and got off his bike, he looked at me without saying a word before opening the cover to his gas tank and reaching for the gas pump.

We ran our cards and filled the small tanks in silence.

“So, you wanna tell me what’s on your mind?” Hollywood asked as he returned the nozzle to the pump after he was done.

When I didn’t answer right away, he walked over toward me, slapping me on the back as he stopped and looked me dead in the eyes. This was a man who had been through the depths of hell in Iraq and Afghanistan with me more times than I could count. The same man who dragged me from the edge of oblivion, rescuing me from myself and bringing me back with him to what I now considered my family.

He knew me better than anyone, and he knew I was a fucking mess, but I didn’t have the words to tell him what was eating me up inside. I didn’t know how to explain that I was fucking obsessed with someone I would never have. Someone I didn’t fucking deserve. Someone I couldn’t get out of my fucking skull no matter how much I drank, no matter how many chicks I fucked, no matter how many miles I rode.

“No.” I didn’t meet his eyes.

“Well, excuse the fuck out of me.” Even though he tried to act like he wasn’t bothered by lack of communication, I knew I’d upset him.

“It’s nothing I can talk about right now, bro. Just fucking drop it, okay? I just need to sort through some shit, that’s all.” I walked off into the shitty little gas station to piss and grab a Gatorade.

The cool AC in the store hit me at the same time as the smell of burnt grease assaulted my nostrils. Shit, did they ever change the grease in their shitty-ass fryers? Damn.

I took a quick pit stop in the men’s room to piss, washed my hands—yeah, thanks, Momma, for drilling hygiene into my damn head—then walked over to the cooler and grabbed a blue Gatorade. No clue what fucking flavor it was and didn’t care.

Fuck it.

Frustrated, I placed it on the counter and pulled out some cash, peeling off enough to pay for the bottle and telling the cashier to ring up Hollywood’s too and I would get it. After dropping the change in my pocket, I pushed open the door, going back out in the heat and across the lot to the pump with Hollywood on my heels.

I sat on my bike as I cracked open the bottle and began drinking the cold liquid. It felt good running across my tongue, and I held the side of the bottle to my forehead. Condensation formed quickly on the cold bottle in this heat; it ran down my face before dripping to the ground.

“You know we have church tomorrow, right? And then the get-together down at the Oasis for Mama Jean’s birthday?” He took a long guzzle of his Gatorade. “Man, that shit hits the spot! Thanks, bro.”

“Yeah, no problem,” I drawled, “and no, I didn’t forget. We have that run to Des Moines we need to iron out. About that delivery for the South Dakota chapter around the end of the month, right? That’s gonna have to be a quick run, and we’re gonna need most of the brothers in on it to flank the truck and drive lookout. We don’t need to be fucking around down in Des Moines too long. The cops are dicks there and have a grudge against bikers. I don’t want them harassing us and snooping through the trucks before we can get them dropped off.”

“Snow knows all this, and that’s part of what I think he wants to go over tomorrow night. Man, I’m glad Snow did away with this kinda shit, but even running the occasional guns for other chapters is starting to make me nervous. Fucking ATF is really tightening shit down. This isn’t some biker TV show. It’s getting harder to fly under the fucking radar. It’s too easy to go legit these days. Don’t know why they want to fuck with that shit. Quick money, I guess.” He tossed his empty bottle in the trash and sat on his bike. “You ready?”

“Yeah, let’s hit the road.”

I tossed my bottle in the trash before I lifted my kickstand and started my bike. We pulled out together as one, but I purposely roared ahead to fuck with him. He downshifted to catch up, flipping me off with a smile when he finally caught up.

By the time we parked in front of the clubhouse, it was well after eleven.

We walked in to Metallica blasting on the old jukebox Gunny had picked up at an estate sale. I fucking loved that thing. Speaking of, I saw Butch and Gunny sitting in the corner sectional getting lap dances from two strippers from our strip club and some other skanky-looking chick I didn’t recognize. I briefly wondered where they dragged her up from. They could keep her.

One of the prospects, Soap, stood close by, watching over the room.

The club whores must’ve been “servicing,” because I didn’t see them around. The whores were just that, whores. They lived at the clubhouse voluntarily and were free to leave when they wanted. They serviced the brothers when they wanted it, and in return they had a place to stay—three hots and a cot, basically—and the protection of the club. Don’t mistake them for slaves.

It smelled like cigarette smoke and ass… and what the fuck had I stepped in? Jesus, I was gonna have to get after the prospects to clean this shithole up tomorrow.

As I walked past the bar toward the hall leading to small rooms set up for the brothers to crash in if they got too drunk or if it had just been a long night, I felt tits press to my back. A set of bright red manicured nails reached around and ran across my abs.

Fuck. I didn’t even have to turn around.

“I’m not in the mood, Gretchen. I told you I don’t need your fucking services. Go hit up Hollywood or Butch.” Trying to walk away, I pulled her arms off me, but she grabbed my hand, placing it on her mound, clearly defined in her tight spandex boy shorts. Not getting the hint, she rubbed her fake tits on my arm as I jerked my hand from her crotch.

“Come on, Reaper, baby. I’ve missed you. You know it was good between us. No one has ever made me come like you do. Your cock is the only one that can satisfy me now. The rest of them are just bumbling boys compared to you. Don’t make me go to bed alone and unsatisfied, baby.” She batted her brown eyes and flipped her bleached-blonde hair over her shoulder.

“Gretchen, there is no ‘us.’ There will never be an ‘us.’ I’ve tried to be nice, but you’re too fucking stupid to get it. Fuck. Off. Go blow someone else’s cock. I’m not your ‘baby,’ and I’m not interested!” Stupid fucking bitch. Did I have to draw her a fucking picture? I jolted away and stomped off as she stood glaring daggers into my back, I was sure. I didn’t give a flying fuck.

Fed the fuck up, I entered my room, locking the door. It was my sanctuary and my home for the time being. After I hung my cut over the back of the old office chair, I sat on the bed to remove my boots. Tossing them over by the closet one at a time, I hung my head and rested my elbows on my knees.

Blowing out a heaving breath, I ran my hands through my hair. It still felt strange to have hair. I’d grown it out after getting out of the army because I was too fucking lazy and drunk to go get a haircut. After I hooked up with the club, I thought I would grow it out long, but I could never hack it getting longer than my hairline at the back of my neck. So I kept the sides and back buzzed short, and the center at the top was long and slicked back.

Scratching my short beard, I realized it was time to trim it up. It was too fucking hot for a full beard in the summer, so I kept it clipped short and trimmed, but I rarely shaved clean. Fucking army made me do that for too long.

Turning on my ancient iPod, I blared STP’s “Creep.” Yeah, that was my song. It sucked to feel like you were half the man you used to be. Trying to push the demons back into their hiding place, I grabbed my hair on the top of my head in both fists, closing my eyes tight.

As Shinedown’s “Cut the Cord” began to play, I ran both hands down my face and rose, padding barefoot to the bathroom to take a shower before bed. I loved that the clubhouse used to be a warehouse with this back area where the executive offices were located, so we each had a bathroom with a shower.

One day I’d get a place of my own, but if I was truthful, part of me was afraid to be alone. A lot of the reason was fear that the fucking memories would take over and I would start to slip away again. As long as there was enough to keep my mind and body busy, I could mostly forget.

Stretching, I reached over my shoulders, grabbing my black T-shirt at the back and pulling it over my head.

Catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I trailed a finger over the scar on the left side of my face before glancing at the ones on my torso and left arm that I’d covered with tats.

Most of them had healed well, and by then the one on my face was a thin, jagged white line. Except every time I looked in the mirror, it was a constant reminder of all the fucking scars I carried both inside and out.

A reminder of how damaged I really was.

THE NEXT WEEK WENT by pretty uneventfully, with Michael working late on a big project he had. That was, until Thursday.

My phone pinged, and I looked at it to see a message from him.

Michael: Hey babe, I just got home and I thought we could go grab dinner

Me: I’m already making something for myself and Remi, but thanks. Maybe tomorrow?

Michael: You got enough for a third?

That night, I really didn’t want to spend time with him. I was still a little upset with his behavior Friday night.

Instead of answering him, I set my phone on the counter as I went to check on Remi in her room. She was busy playing with her Little People and stacking blocks around them. Watching her, I could only imagine what she was building. Perhaps she pretended it was their castle.

I smiled at her and turned back toward the kitchen. As I walked down the hall, I heard my door open and turned to see Michael pulling a key out of the lock.

What. The. Ever. Loving. Hell?

“You have a key to my apartment?” I asked in shock.

“What? Oh, you gave it to me weeks ago, remember?” Michael sauntered in, flipping his long bangs back out of his face as he tucked the key in his pocket. He reached where I stood frozen to the floor, wrapped his arm around me, and kissed me on the cheek. “You didn’t answer my last text, so I thought I would come down to see if everything was okay or if you needed help with anything.”

I knew damn well I hadn’t given him a key to my apartment. What I wanted to know was how he had gotten a copy of it. The problem was, I was afraid if I confronted him about it, I would risk starting an argument, and Remi was playing nearby.

Choosing to leave it alone, I made a mental note to speak to the manager about getting my apartment rekeyed.

That pissed me off. His behavior was beginning to make me very uncomfortable. Actually, truth be told, he was starting to scare me. He’d gotten possessive and strange over the last few weeks.

Even though neither of us had actually said we were boyfriend and girlfriend, it seemed he had decided I was his exclusive property or something.

When I hollered for Remi to come up to the table, she came running to the kitchen, standing by the sink for me to lift her up to wash her hands. She played in the bubbles as I soaped up her hands and rinsed them clean.

After several failed attempts at climbing up in her chair, I helped her up into the booster and then grabbed another plate, adding it to the two I already had on the counter.

Michael grabbed a beer from the fridge and sat at the table, teasing Remi. The way he made himself at home made me grit my teeth as I dished up the plates.

After we’d finished eating, I took Remi in for her bath without saying a word to Michael.

Preoccupied, I was trying to think of how I was going to break things off with him. It was getting too weird. My thoughts continued to circle as I bathed Remi.

Once she was rinsed clean, I drained the tub, pulling her out and wrapping a fluffy towel around to dry her. As I fluffed her hair, she pushed the towel off her face, hollering, “Mommy! Me no see!” with a frown on her face and bottom lip protruding.

Gently flipping her lower lip with my finger, I grinned. “Don’t pout like that or a chicken will poop on your lip.” That made her giggle.

“Mommy! You say poop!” Remi continued giggling as I dressed her in her jammies.

Our bedtime routine was complete with a story, tucking my bugga-boo in, and kissing her precious dimples. Taking a deep breath as I left her room, I quietly closed her door.

Like I was heading to the gallows, I slowly walked out to the living room, shuffling my feet on the wood floor.

Michael was flipping through the channels while he sat on my sofa. He didn’t even look at me as he said, “You really need cable. There’s nothing to watch.”

In disbelief, I stood there and stared at him. “Michael, I think we need to talk.” Gathering my courage, I sat on the edge of the couch and folded my hands in my lap. Still not sure exactly what to say to him, I pressed my lips together and bit my lower lip. When I glanced up, he was looking at me in question with his brows raised.

“About?”

“About us.”

“What about us?” he asked slowly as he muted the TV and turned to face me on the couch.

“Well, we’ve never really discussed our relationship, and it just seems like things have evolved a little further in your mind than mine. I was thinking that maybe we needed to take a break from each other to think about what this is”—I motioned back and forth between us—“and where it’s going.” Sweat broke out on my upper lip after I blurted out my thoughts.

His jaw clenched. “What the hell are you saying? Is this about that guy Reggie? Are you trying to ditch me so you can hook up with him instead? You sure haven’t had a problem holding out on me, but maybe you’ve been getting it from him, so you haven’t needed it from me.”

“What? What in the heck are you even talking about?” I asked in shock.

Fury filled him as he stood and threw the TV remote against the brick wall, shattering it. Then he turned to me. He stepped closer, pointing his finger in my face and yelling as I leaned back against the couch to get him out of my space.

“I’m tired of you acting like the born-again virgin with me while you laugh and flirt and act like a slut with those guys you work with! You think I haven’t seen it? You have Remi, so I know you aren’t a damn virgin! I’ve been patient with you. I’ve been a gentleman!” His eyes took on a demented look, and spittle gathered at the corners of his mouth.

A gasp escaped me when he reached down and grabbed my upper arms in a brutal hold. Viciously, he jerked me off the couch and shook me. I was terrified he was going to hurt me or, worse, wake Remi. My heart was racing, and my entire body shook. Nausea welled in my stomach.

“Michael, you need to leave,” I said in a tone much more confident than I felt at that moment.

He let go of me, raising his hand like he was going to hit me. I fought from flinching because there was no way I would let him see how he had affected me. Instead of following through, he clenched the hand in a fist. After a few deep breaths, he seemed to pull himself together, with the exception of his flared nostrils.

“We’ll talk about this tomorrow night. You’re obviously tired and not thinking right. You need to go to bed. I’ll come by tomorrow when I get home. I’m sure you’ll be thinking with a clearer head by then, Steph.” He turned without another word and left my apartment. After I heard the door close on his apartment down the hall, I raced to lock my safety hasp and the deadbolt.

Jesus, I needed to get away for a while. I leaned against the door, racking my brain for what to do.

Though I didn’t want to have to miss work, I was going home. Mom had been bugging me to come home anyway.

Mentally, I made a list.

I’d call in sick the next day. I’d also call the management office in the morning to get my apartment rekeyed while I was gone.

Shaking, a nervous thought came to me, and I raced over to the glass dish on my breakfast bar. The spare key I’d kept in there was gone.

He’d gone through my things. As I replaced the glass lid with shaking hands, causing the glass to rattle, I felt violated and sick.

With new determination, I quietly snuck into Remi’s room, opened the closet, and took my suitcase down.

Remi wiggled and rolled over in her sleep. I stood still until I heard her even breaths again. Moving quickly but quietly, I pulled open drawers and shoved Remi’s clothes in, then moved to the closet and did the same with mine.

Dragging the suitcase to the bathroom, I packed toiletries into the pockets until there was no more room. At the time, I didn’t care if I’d forgotten a damn thing.

When I caught my reflection in the mirror, I saw a pale, frightened little girl staring back at me. Noticing the bruises already forming on my arms, I began to cry as I leaned over the sink.

What the hell just happened to my happily ordered life?

I washed my face with new resolve. A brief glance at my watch showed it was almost 9:00 p.m. If I left immediately, I could make it home by about midnight. Hell, I wouldn’t sleep anyway. Remi would sleep in the car, I prayed.

I’d call my mom after I got on the road to tell her we were on our way. Later I would think of something to tell her about what happened to bring me home in the middle of the night.

“HEY, MOM!” I TRIED to sound bright and cheery.

“Stephie! What are you doing up so late?”

“Remi and I are coming for a visit.”

“Is everything okay?” Mom had an innate ability to hone in on her children’s feelings.

“Of course! Well, actually I was feeling a little homesick,” I admitted.

“Goodness, you’re going to get here in the wee hours of the morning! I’ll wait up though. I won’t be able to sleep until I know you’re here safe.”

“We’re actually only about an hour away, but you can leave the light on. I’ll see you in the morning.”

“No way. I want to see my grandbaby! Well, I want to see you too.” She laughed.

We chatted a few minutes before I ended the call to concentrate on the road. It was dark, and the highways were mostly deserted that time of night. Remi was asleep in her car seat, but I snuck glimpses of her in the rearview mirror.

I was about forty miles from Grantsville; then it was another three miles past town to the turnoff for my parents’ farm.

The drive had been long, and I was getting kind of sleepy. All it took was the roar of a bike going the opposite direction and I was alert again.

The bike’s passing made my thoughts drift to Colton.

Dammit! There he was, sneaking into my head again. Shit. Maybe I needed to see a counselor. After more than three years, it had to be an unhealthy obsession. On the other hand, I did share a child with the man, whether he knew it or not.

Finally, I saw the lights of G’ville come into view. The restaurants and stores were all closed that time of night, but the nostalgia came flooding back.

I’d never forget stopping at the Dairy Queen when my dad would pick me up after school on Fridays. That was the one day he wouldn’t make me ride the bus. There was the library and the downtown square where the Corn Festival was held every fall. The Catholic church at one end of town and the Lutheran church at the other.

My whole life, I’d sworn I’d run as fast and as far from there as I could. I hated to admit I missed the small town.

Before I knew it, I was slowing down at the large oak set back a bit at the top of a small rise in the road. Exhausted, I turned into the packed gravel driveway and parked under the carport I’d helped my dad build years ago. Like a sentry, it sat off the side of the old square two-story farmhouse.

Cutting the ignition, I sat listening to Remi’s soft breathing and the utter quiet. The stars seemed so bright and more abundant than in the glaring lights of downtown Des Moines.

The floodlights came on at the corner of the house, and my mom rushed out onto the front porch in her bathrobe. She rushed down the stairs and over to me as I opened my door and got out. She hugged me and then leaned back, holding my shoulders.

“Let me look at you, my baby girl! Do you have any idea how much I’ve missed you? And where is that beautiful granddaughter of mine?” She looked in the windows for Remi, who woke with her eyes popping wide and her mouth open in surprise.

“There she is!” My mother squealed like a teenager and quickly opened the back door, unbuckling Remi and scooping her out of her seat in one smooth motion. Remi’s squeals mirrored my mother’s as she returned my mom’s hugs and clapped her hands in excitement.

So much for her going back to sleep. Thanks, Mom.

“Come on inside. I’ll have your brother come out and get your bag. He stayed here waiting for you to arrive, but I think he dozed off watching TV.” She bustled up the steps, chattering away with Remi.

My younger brother, Sean, stood in the doorway with a big smile. A good head taller than me, he was the spitting image of our father with his dark brown, close-cropped hair, hazel eyes, and ready smile.

“No, I’m not sleeping, Mother, but I figured I’d give you your moment with Steph and Remi.” He kissed Remi as my mother reached the doorway, then snatched her from Mom. “Come see Uncle Sean. You probably don’t even remember me since your momma is so stingy with you.” He winked at me, causing me to grin, and then Remi started babbling a hundred miles a minute. Patiently, he listened to her while nodding, then responded with “Oh really” before giving her back to her grandma. Then he jumped down the stairs two at a time to grab the suitcase from the back of my SUV.

“I’ll go put it in your old room. Mom has it waiting for you. Dad’s sleeping since he needs to get up early in the morning, but he said he loves you and he’ll see you tomorrow.” Sean gave me a big hug and then headed up the stairs with my suitcase.

I glanced into the living room and saw it looked exactly as it did when I left the last time. Cozy and spotless.

Even when we were kids, my mom was a meticulous housekeeper, despite us sabotaging her efforts at every turn. Shaking my head, I followed my mom’s voice into the kitchen, where she had Remi sitting at the table. Mom had her set up with homemade banana bread and milk.

“Mother! You’re spoiling her already. She needs to get back to bed.” I rolled my eyes as my mother had the nerve to look falsely contrite. I laughed before kissing her cheek. “I’m going to run up and get ready for bed while you spoil your granddaughter.”

She chuckled. “I’ll bring her up shortly.”

My feet dragged as I tiredly trudged up the stairs and into the third room on the left. It was much as I had left it when I went to college, except Mom had taken down all my posters and replaced with some of her amazing cross-stitch that Dad had framed, and the walls were now a soft yellow instead of the pale pink of my youth.

A white double bed still had the quilt on it I’d made with my grandma the summer after eighth grade. The squares were a little crooked, but every single one had been made from her old clothes. They were lovingly sewed by me with my grandmother’s guidance.

My suitcase was resting in the corner. I shuffled to it and pulled out some sweats and a tee to sleep in. After I changed, I looked around once more.

It hit me that I shouldn’t have stayed away so long. It was good to be home, but I couldn’t escape the irony that I’d run to the same place I’d run from.

“YOU’VE GOT TO BE kidding me,” I whispered. Frustration grew as I was waiting in line at the Fareway grocery store because there was only one cashier. Dang it, I knew I should’ve gone to Hy-Vee.

Another thing I should’ve done was grabbed a dang cart. But I didn’t expect to get so much.

I didn’t really feel up to going out, but my older brother, Samuel, had stopped by and asked if Sean and I wanted to join him down at the little town bar, the Oasis. It was Mama Jean’s birthday party tonight, and everyone showed up there at the end of July for her big birthday bash.

Hell, my parents would’ve gone if they weren’t watching Remi.

The city allowed them to close off the town square so they could bring in a band. There would be dancing in the street in front of the bar until early morning. Mama Jean was like a fixture here, and she and Pops were loved by everyone, despite Pops’s big bad biker presence. Everyone knew he was a teddy bear at heart.

Speaking of bikers, at least I had a nice view while waiting in line.

Surreptitiously, I stared at the very nice butt of one of Pops and Mama Jean’s “boys,” as she fondly called them.

The MC had been in the area for as long as I could remember. Pretty sure everyone knew they were into some shady shit, but they never bothered anyone in town, and they kept the riffraff to a minimum in G’ville.

They were also huge supporters of the Adolescent Drug Prevention and Rehabilitation Center that had been built on the north edge of town my freshman year of college. They ran a big annual fundraiser every fall to raise money for it. In fact, they were one of the biggest contributors to its development and subsequent construction. Their president’s baby brother overdosed when we were in high school, and it was a huge scandal back when it happened.

The sexy biker in front of me seemed a little more patient than I was. I couldn’t get a good look at his face, because he had his head tipped down as he messed with his phone while waiting to pay for his Gatorade and an energy bar.

Though it was a little embarrassing, I couldn’t help that I was leaning slightly toward him to inhale his sexy-smelling cologne, along with the leather of his vest and a faint smell of oil or maybe engine grease.

Don’t get me started about how bad I desperately wanted to touch his midnight hair. Maybe feel the rasp of his short beard. And Lord have mercy, I would’ve loved to have “accidentally” bumped that butt to see if it was as firm as it looked.

When I realized what I was doing, my face flushed scarlet, and I looked around to see if anyone had noticed. Thankfully, the young girl behind me was too busy popping her gum and reading one of the gossip magazines by the checkouts.

Sheesh! The last thing I needed to do was go sniffing after some sexy biker. Besides, a guy on a bike was my downfall once.

I needed to get a grip. I was a mom, for God’s sake. But it was so hard to behave myself at that moment.

We moved up in line, and he reached in his pocket with a sculpted, tattooed arm. As I tried to get my racing heart under control, I attempted to distract myself by reading the cover of a magazine. To hide my flaming cheeks and ears, I dipped my head so my hair fell over my face.

“Excuse me, ma’am? Are you ready to check out?” the cashier said in a sarcastic tone. Little high school brat. She’d gotten ticked because the sexy biker ignored all her childish attempts at flirting with him as he wordlessly paid for his items.

I moved up to slide my debit card and watched the biker walk out the door.

Mmm, straight-up sexy. Moms weren’t dead; we just had responsibilities. Look but don’t touch.

“As if,” the cashier said, interrupting my thoughts.

“What was that?” I asked, wondering what she was talking about.

“I said have a nice day.” The little shit sneered with a fake smile.

With narrowed eyes, I grabbed my receipt from the snotty cashier and gathered my bags, trying to hold the Pull-ups under my chin on top of the bags I had over my arm. She could’ve called for a carry-out for me.

Little wench.

Going out the door, I saw two bikes sitting off to the left. Mr. Sexy was pacing down the walkway in front of the store with his phone pressed to his ear. There was a guy sitting on one of the bikes, and right as I passed, the Pull-ups fell from under my chin.

Great. Crouching down, I tried to pick them up, but I was having a hard time with the other bags around my arms. A set of tattooed arms grabbed the Pull-ups, and I looked up into a familiar face.

“Erik!” I said with a smile when I realized it was one Sam’s buddies from high school. I hadn’t seen him in years. He was still handsome as ever with those beautiful blue-green eyes and dark, messy hair

“Well, well, little Stephie! All grown up. Where the heck have you been hiding, girl?” He gave me a one-armed hug as we stood. “Let me help you get these to your car, babe. Where you parked?”

“Over there.” I gestured over to my dad’s farm truck that I had taken to town, and we walked over to put the bags in the back.

He looked at the Pull-ups and realized what he was holding. “Oh! Dang! Grown and a mom, huh? Shit, some guy is a lucky dog.” He laughed. I didn’t bother correcting him that there was no “lucky” guy. “Don’t tell Sam I said that. He’d probably still kick my ass. He’s always been protective of you, you know. All the guys on the team were threatened with broken legs if we so much as spoke to you. I doubt that’s changed.” He laughed again as he dropped the package over the side of the truck.

“You coming to the birthday bash tonight?” he asked.

“Yeah, Sam is dragging me and Sean with him. I really wanted to spend my weekend chilling out at the farm, but you know how it is. Sam doesn’t take no for an answer.” I smiled as I prepared to climb in the big Ford F350 Dually. Erik gave me a big bear hug, and I noticed the patch on his vest read “Hacker.”

“What’s up with that?” I poked the nametag.

“Well, I went away to college for computers, but I got bored, dropped out, and joined the marines for a bit.” He shrugged. “I joined the MC when I got home and I do computer and security systems now. It’s fun and pays good,” he said with a crooked grin.

Pecking a quick kiss to his cheek, I smiled.

“Thanks for your help, Erik. I guess I’ll see you tonight!” I said as I climbed in the truck. I closed the door, started the big diesel up, and slowly pulled out of the lot.

Singing at the top of my lungs, I drove the few miles home with the windows down and the radio blaring an old KISS song. For a farmer, my dad sure loved his classic rock. I snickered at the thought of Dad jamming out to his old rock in the farm truck and out on the tractor.

It really did feel good to be home.

“Sure. We’re on our way back to the clubhouse now.” I hung up from the call with Snow in time to see Hacker getting a kiss on the cheek from a homegrown farm chick in short, cutoff jean shorts.

As usual, it made my heart jump when I saw the curly blonde hair. It had become a habit to tell myself it wasn’t her.

After she drove off, he walked back to the bikes and climbed on his, sliding on his shades. Once I was seated on mine, I looked over at him with a teasing grin.

“Sooooo… that one of your old hos from the day, Hacker?”

“Fuck no. I wouldn’t be alive if it was! That was the little sister of my old buddy from high school. Sam would’ve strung my fucking ass up if I would’ve messed with her. Besides, she was a year behind us, and I was too busy chasing college pussy my senior year.” He laughed as he started up his bike.

The rumble of our pipes as we pulled out of the lot drew the attention of people walking down the sidewalk of Main Street. Hacker gave a casual low wave to those who waved to him.

This was his stomping ground. People still loved him as a war hero and the high school football star that took the team to state his senior year. I shook my head with a smile. Hacker had grown up in Grantsville. Hollywood was from a small town down the road about an hour from there.

They’d met during football and had been friends ever since, even with them joining two different branches. At times, I was jealous of their ties to family and community, but I was thankful they pulled me into the fold. Thanks to them, I at least had the club family.

We pulled up to the clubhouse, parking in line with the rest of the bikes. I grabbed my Gatorade and energy bar from my saddlebag and headed into the dimly lit interior of the clubhouse. The murmur of voices and the music on the jukebox hit me, wrapping around me like my mama’s arms welcoming me home.

Pulling up a stool, I sat at the bar and cracked open my Gatorade. Half the bottle was gone in one long swig, and I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand. It had already started to warm from the short ride in the July heat, but it was cold enough to hit the spot.

“Church!” yelled Snow, heading to the old boardroom that was now our “chapel,” or meeting room.

Draining the last of my Gatorade, I got up from the bar and set the empty bottle down. Cammie, our bartender, grabbed it and wiped down the counter as I climbed off the barstool.

“Thanks, doll.”

“No problem, hon.” As Snow’s old lady, no one fucked with her. Period. But she was a sweetheart and looked out for us sorry fucks. She gave me a sympathetic smile as I stretched my left leg out to work the muscles again. Almost three years and the fucking thing still sporadically got tight if I sat or rode too long.

“Reaper!” Gunny shouted as I entered the chapel.

I grinned and hugged him, then sat in my seat as the rest of the brothers filed in. Some laughed and joked while others were quiet.

A banging resounded through the room.

Fuck.

Snow pounded his fist on the old, thick wood table to get everyone’s attention. Vinny, the VP, sat to Snow’s left. The remainder of the officers, Cash and Dice, flanked them.

“All right, all right. Come on, boys, we have a lot to discuss before we head over to the Oasis for Mama’s birthday,” hollered Butch, our sergeant-at-arms. That brought a fond smile to Pops’s face. Damn, he loved that woman.

The thought of having that someday made me smile for a second before I beat it back, telling myself that shit wasn’t for me. Some of the brothers had old ladies, and most of them were devoted and faithful to them, though there were a couple who still fucked around with the club whores. Deep down that pissed me off, but it wasn’t my place to tell someone else how to live their fucking lives.

I looked around the table at the men who had been my brothers for over a year since being patched. We were a smaller club, but our chapter was tight. We had four other chapters—one each in Montana and Nebraska and two in Missouri. They were looking at branching into Texas too. We were the original, or mother chapter.

The majority of the founding members had been prior service and formed the club to recreate the brotherhood and comradery they experienced in the military. It was no surprise that the club ran its businesses with military precision.

“We’re set to meet with the Black Souls MC in two weeks in Des Moines. I don’t fucking trust them, but we promised to help with this delivery as a courtesy to our chapter up in Montana. They’re hoping this will help create a truce among us. I don’t know if I’m in total agreeance, but our Montana prez and I go back a long way, so I agreed. We need to be on our toes during this drop-off. We’re getting a 20 percent cut of the profits from the deal for our escort and delivery. We’ll meet up with the Montana delivery crew in Sioux Falls, where we’ll take possession of the truck. From there we’ll drive straight through to Des Moines. We don’t want to draw attention to the truck, so the bikes and our van will keep a fair distance in front and back. We’ll be running slick. We want to appear like random weekend warriors in a couple of small groups in front and back of the truck. Three riders in front, then the van, followed by the truck with four riders in back. Dress like a group of civie riders out riding for the weekend would. Reaper and Hollywood, you two will be the advance party to set up as our eye in the sky to make sure the drop-off location is secure.” Snow continued with the remaining details of who was riding where, looking each member in the eye to try to read them for dissention.

“All right then, any other issues or concerns anyone has to bring to the table?” Snow patiently waited for anyone to voice their bitches or questions. No one spoke up. “Next meeting we’ll discuss more about the status of our prospects. Soap has been prospecting for almost nine months, and he has been a kick-ass fucking prospect. He’s done everything we’ve asked without complaint, and he’s had every member’s back at some point or another. Think about your feelings on it, and we’ll vote on patching him in at the next church.”

Everyone nodded, and Snow brought an end to church.

We all stood and bullshitted in the room for a few minutes before Hollywood shouted, “Come on, fuckers! What are we waiting for? Let’s go party!”

Everyone shouted, laughed, and hugged with slaps to their back patches as we filed out and climbed on our bikes. The prez started his up, followed by the rest of us. We pulled out of the lot in formation as a single unit, two by two, with the gate sliding closed by remote sensor as the last man pulled out.

Music blared on the bikes that had sound systems as we rode to the downtown square. We were the only vehicles allowed within the barriers blocking the street. We all backed in as one so we were lined up in front of the Oasis.

I grabbed myself a Corona and turned, crushing Mama in a big hug. “Happy birthday.” She kissed my cheek with a big smile and raised her glass to my Corona to clink them together. I usually kept my drinking to a minimum, but shit, I was looking forward to letting go for a little bit.

THE PARTY WAS IN full swing by the time we got there. Even though I hadn’t been home in forever, the number of people that showed up for Mama Jean’s birthday bash each year never ceased to amaze me.

“Let’s get a drink,” said Sean. We pushed our way into the bar to order drinks and then fought our way through the crowd to go outside to listen to the band.

The night air was sultry, and people all around us were laughing, drinking, dancing, and having a great time. The laughter was infectious, and soon my brothers and I were taking turns dancing in the street while one of us watched our drinks at a picnic table.

While Sean and I were dancing with some friends, I looked over to see Sam standing in the shadowy outskirts, talking to Erik at our table. When they looked my way, I waved. They smiled, returned my wave, and resumed their conversation. Likely it was reminiscing of their football exploits.

The next time I looked over, I saw Sam shaking hands with the hot-ass biker I’d ogled in the grocery store.

Looking back on it, my blatant ogling was embarrassing. Hopefully he hadn’t noticed me making a fool out of myself. Sheesh, I had actually sniffed him.

Someone danced up behind me, placing their hands on my hips. A glance over my shoulder revealed my old friend Chas from high school.

“Chas!” With a huge smile, I reached my arms up over my head, tousling his hair in a teasing fashion. Slowly, I slid lower against his body as I swung my hips from side to side.

Letting my hair down, I was so glad I’d let Sam talk us into going, because I was having a blast.

As I glanced over to the table again, I noticed the sexy biker looking toward the dance area. I’ll never know what came over me. Maybe it was the alcohol—no, it was definitely the alcohol as I began to dance for him. Poor Chas became a mere prop.

From where I was, and with him obscured by the shadows, he reminded me of Colton. So I pretended.

“Get it, girl!” Chas joked in my ear, aware of what I was doing.

The closet wanton was coming out again.

That hadn’t been such a great idea the last time, no matter how hot the memories were. I just couldn’t seem to help myself. I was drawn to him in an insane way.

Maybe it was the dark hair and fantastic build. Hell, I’d always been a sucker for the tall, dark, and handsome ones. A bead of sweat ran in a slow trail down my spine as I slid my hands from my hips, up my sides, along the sides of my breasts, to my neck, and into my hair. Seductively, I lifted the heavy curls above my head as I continued to sway and grind.

When I looked over again, he was gone. Damn. I scanned the crowd but didn’t spot his considerable height anywhere. Losing my mojo, I looked up at Chas, “Thanks for the dance, hon. Call me and we’ll have lunch!”

“You got it, babe,” he replied, and I bussed his cheek.

Weaving through the crowd, I tapped my brother on the shoulder as he danced with a cute but young-looking brunette. When he looked at me, I yelled in his ear, “I’m going to the bathroom and then to grab another beer.”

He nodded with a smile, giving me a thumbs-up; there wasn’t much worry of me walking by myself since we had known everyone there forever. I then wound my way through the crowd into the bar.

For the first time that night, I saw Mama Jean alone with Pops and went up to give her my birthday wishes. She hugged me and, to be heard above the crowd, exclaimed in my ear, “Girl, you’re all grown up! Are you back in town for good or just to visit?”

“I actually wish I was back for good, but I have a place and a job back in Des Moines.”

She pulled me off to the side to sit at a tall table, and I noted Pops kept a fond eye on her from where he stood drinking and laughing with another man from his club.

“So what are you doing down in that big city anyway, sweetie?”

I explained what I had gone to school for and what I was doing. She got a speculative gleam in her eye when I told her my dreams of running my own restaurant someday.

“Would you stop by tomorrow? I have something I want to run by you.”

“Is it okay if I bring Remi?”

“Of course. No one will say anything about her being there in the day. Besides, we’re slow after the lunch rush.”

“Cool! See you then. I’m sorry, but I really have to pee, and I still need to grab a beer.”

She hugged me again, and we separated as she went back to Pops, where he folded her in his arms, kissing her head while his long, thick gray beard must have tickled her nose. I saw her laugh and brush it out of her face. I prayed for a lasting love like that someday, but my heart was heavy, as I doubted I would find it.

Figuring I should go pee before I got my beer, I walked around the corner. When I saw the long line for the bar bathrooms, I quickly made my way out to one of the porta-potties.

As quickly as I could, I finished, smothered myself in the hand sanitizer, and flung the door open. Because I was rushing to get out, I ran smack-dab into a solid wall of leather with a patch against my lips that read “Reaper.”

When I stepped back to apologize, my smile melted away and my vision went cloudy.

Because I was staring into the same crystal blue eyes that’d haunted my dreams for the last three years.

The same eyes I looked into every morning in my little girl’s face.

“Colton?” I started to shake and my knees buckled underneath me as the music and laughter became muffled and slipped away.

Hacker had asked me to grab him another beer when I went to get my own. When I returned, there was a guy standing with him.

“Hey, Reaper, I want you to meet my old high school running buddy, Sam.”

“Nice to meet you.” We shook hands and talked for a bit.

I liked Sam straight off. He seemed like a cool fucking dude, and I stuck around while Sam and Hacker shot the shit, telling tales of their glory days on the football field. I’d played football in school as well, but after my experiences over the last several years, it seemed like a lifetime ago.

Out of habit, I was scanning the crowd, trying to account for all of my brothers and ensuring their safety.

Of course I noticed the curly blonde dancing almost immediately. Like always, I told myself it wasn’t her. No way was I going through that same shit of getting my hopes up again. That didn’t mean I couldn’t admire her long, tan legs topped by short frayed denim shorts. They sat low on her hips, and a snug peach-colored tank top accented the swell of her magnificent tits.

She’d work as a fill-in tonight for my memories. A slow, predatory smile spread over my face.

Blondie actually looked like the chick Hacker was talking to earlier in the day at Fareway, but I wasn’t sure. Wished I had gotten a better look at her. If it was, maybe he’d give me the hookup.

“Hacker,” I started without taking my eyes from her.

“What’s up, bro?”

That was when her dickhead boyfriend came grinding up on her. Figured someone like her would be with a pretty-boy douche like that. She looked over her shoulder at him, grinding and swaying against him. Crazy thing was, after she looked my way, I could have sworn she was dancing for me.

“Never mind,” I muttered.

He looked confused but shrugged and resumed his conversation.

Jesus. What. The. Fuck. My cock jumped in my jeans.

What a little fucking tease.

She ran her hands along her body in a sensual dance. Then she held her hair up over her head, raising those glorious tits up like an offering.

Damn, did she remind me of my angel. Experience told me it was an illusion of the flashing colored lights and the same trick my eyes always played on me.

Jesus, I couldn’t take it anymore. Trying to discreetly adjust my wayward cock, I turned around and walked off to find someone who could help with the ache in my balls. Since it wasn’t going to be her.

The thought of that preppy puke with his hands, mouth, and cock on her tonight just plain pissed me the fuck off.

“What the fuck is wrong with me?” In disgust, I shook my head.

Hollywood intercepted my prowl around the crowd. “Hey, Reaper, play a game of darts with me.”

Pops and Jean had a row of dartboard games set up along the side of the bar for the night, and we headed over to wait for one to open. I figured it was as good a distraction as any from the sex kitten on the dance floor. There was plenty of time to find a willing chick for the night.

We stood by a tall table, drinking our beer and talking about a lot of nothing.

Damn, I wonder if any of these fuckers are ever gonna finish their games.

“Bro, I gotta piss. If one of them finishes, grab the fucking board. I’ll be back in a few unless I find me some warm legs to wear as a belt.” I laughed as I headed over to the porta-johns along the barrier between the bar and the building across the street.

After pissing, I walked out of my john and turned to head back to Hollywood, but the door on the one next to me flew open and a sweet-smelling blonde chick slammed into me, smashing her face into my cut.

I steadied her by the arms as she pulled back, and I realized it was the sex kitten. As her smiling gaze rose to mine, her apology died on her lips. Her beautiful face went white, her smile faded, and those eyes that had kept me going through mortar blasts, sniper missions, and the IED went wide. My name rolled off her lips before they went unfocused and her knees buckled.

Heart pounding, I grabbed the body that was etched in my mind and lived under my skin. With trembling arms, I scooped her up, carrying her over to an empty table off to the side of the street.

My heart was going to explode as one beat melded to the next in a rapid-fire succession. I was finding it hard to breathe as I smoothed her hair away from her brow, flicking the few strands back that were plastered to her forehead with sweat.

As they trailed over her features, my fucking hands shook. I didn’t know what the fuck I had done in this shitty world for whatever God existed to drop this angel in my lap. Literally.

But I couldn’t help the thoughts that raced through my head swearing to never let her go again.

AS I SLOWLY REGAINED consciousness, the music, laughter, and blended voices pounded in my ears.

Cradled next to a firm body, my face was pressed against leather.

And is that a…? Oh God, please tell me that isn’t a hard penis under my ass. I thought I might die.

Then the visual of those eyes flashed back through my mind.

Afraid I’d imagined it, I raised my gaze to skim up the leather vest, up the thick column of his neck, over the scruff of a beard, firm lips, and a noble, chiseled nose. Finally, my eyes rested on those bluest of blue eyes.

It couldn’t be. Needing affirmation, I raised my hand to cup his cheek.

“Colton?”

Those lips curved into a half smile, and the gravity of the situation came crashing down on me. I scrambled out of his lap to a standing position, my breath coming in ragged gasps. Nervous, I held my hands to my chest, trying to gain some semblance of order to my heartbeat and respirations.

“Colton! Oh God, it is you! But how? Here? How? Why are you…?” Swallowing past the lump in my throat, I couldn’t get my brain and mouth to communicate to form a complete sentence. “Holy shit. Oh my God.”

How the hell did I even begin to explain? I tried again to regain my composure, but that was easier said than done.

“Don’t. Not yet,” he groaned as he stood, framing my face with his strong, calloused hands and lowering his lips to mine in a wild and frantic kiss.

My hands covered his with the intent to break his hold on me and end the kiss. Unfortunately, my body betrayed me as my breasts pressed into his chest and my mouth opened in subservience to the thrash of his tongue.

A moan came from my unrestrained body as my hands moved to his face. The faint ridge of a scar on his left cheek was hiding under his scruff. As I leaned my body farther into his, the hard ridge in his pants pressed against my pubic bone. That quickly led to a tingling pulse between my legs as he firmly pressed his hardened member against me.

Our kiss deepened as his mouth ravaged mine in a desperate plea for more.

We finally broke free, gasping for breath. His forehead braced against mine as we looked deeply into each other’s eyes. My lips were swollen from the bruising kiss, but I wanted him to kiss me again. Every breath I took caused my nipples to graze against his chest, driving me insane.

He reached down and grabbed my ass. Without hesitation, I wrapped my legs around his waist as he walked around the back of the bar, entering through the back screen door. He then took the first left after the screen slammed behind us.

Not once did I protest as he kicked the door shut and reached back with one hand to turn the lock. He allowed me to slide down his body, catching on the tip of his cock encased in his jeans.

At the intense sensation, he closed his eyes briefly. It didn’t take long before he captured my mouth again as we tore at each other’s clothes. Vaguely, I was aware of being in an office. It was lit by a small lamp on the desk that spread a golden glow across the small room and cast the corners in shadow.

“I can’t believe you’re here,” he breathed against my lips.

Within seconds, we were stripped naked, and the firm contours of his body melded perfectly with my soft curves. He laid me down on a small cot with a thick, soft blanket spread neatly over it, and my head met the pillow.

Reverently, his gaze skimmed over my body. Self-conscious, I covered my breasts with one arm and my mound with the other in misplaced modesty. I knew my body wasn’t as taut or lithe as it was three years ago. Though they were barely noticeable, my stretch marks made me feel ugly.

“No. Don’t ever hide your body from me,” he whispered as he settled between my spread legs.

Gently, he touched my face and leaned over to nip, kiss, and suck along my neck and shoulder. As his short beard scraped my sensitive skin in an incredibly erotic way, it caused me to break out in goose bumps.

Reaching over to the floor, he rustled around for something. A plastic wrapper crinkled as he briefly took his lips from my skin. Speechless, I watched as he rose up, freed his thick, pulsing cock, and rolled the condom down. Poised at the edge of my slick entrance, he looked in my eyes with an unspoken question as he waited for my consent.

“Yes. Jesus, Colton, yes.”

“Thank fuck, because I honestly didn’t know if I could hold myself back from you.” He briefly slid the tip back and forth at my opening before plunging in. I’d forgotten how big he was, and it took a minute for my body to acclimate to his invasion. It was the perfect blend of pain and pleasure as he stretched me to accommodate his girth.

Pressing into the pillow, my head tipped back as I closed my eyes. I hissed in a deep breath through clenched teeth.

Buried deep, he held himself still, and I opened my eyes to see his head bowed, his eyes closed, and his muscles straining for control. At last, his eyes opened and met mine.

“Oh my God, baby, you are so fucking tight. Am I hurting you?” I shook my head no, breathing erratically. He blinked rapidly. “I don’t know if I can hold off for long. I’ve lived out this moment for the last three years.” His voice was raspy with emotion.

“Then don’t hold back. You won’t break me,” I whispered.

With a pained expression and a rushed exhalation, he moved. Slowly at first, then picking up speed. It was pure bliss.

Before long, he stroked in and out of my wet sheath in a frenzy of movement. The familiar tingle and throbbing of my climax began to build. In an attempt to ground myself, I dug my nails into his shoulders and wrapped my legs tightly around his.

A few more thrusts were all it took before my body shattered and flew away in a million pieces. Blind to everything but sensation, I grasped anywhere I could.

Buoyant, I floated aimlessly above the earth before I gathered back together underneath him.

Once he knew I was back with him, he resumed his pace before he swelled even more. One last thrust and he slammed home as he roared, “Fuuuck! Yessss!”

Then he collapsed down on me before he slid his weight to the side. I was barely aware of him pulling off the condom and tossing it in the trash.

Strong arms pulled me over so I lay with my cheek against his chest. One arm and one leg rested across his body while the other was tucked up next to his warmth. We were both breathing deeply, and I could hear his heart pounding under my ear. I listened to his breath become even and slow as we dozed off in a tangle of sweat-slicked limbs.

With a start, I awoke a few minutes later, and his arm reflexively tightened around me. I could tell by his breathing that he still slept.

Oh my God, what have I done?

I hadn’t seen this man in three years, and I’d had sex with him in a bar office.

It was confirmed. The man made me into the biggest slut who walked the earth. He sucked the brains God gave me right out of my dang head.

Mortification overcame me at my behavior as I carefully extricated myself from his limbs and climbed off the cot. Quietly, I searched for my clothes that were scattered across the floor. I found my bra dangling from the corner of a shelf.

Nice.

Quickly and with shaking hands, I dressed. Chancing that he might wake, I took a minute to study him as he lay sleeping. He looked so peaceful and sweet with his dark, thick lashes fanned across his cheeks. His body that of a sculpted Adonis, he was truly a beautiful man.

It was intoxicating and made me want to crawl right back alongside him to plaster my soft curves against his rock-hard contours.

Shit, shit, shit.

Like a fool, I stripped down and screwed him without even telling him about his daughter. Dropping my head in shame, I covered my face with my hands. I’d only had sex a handful of times since we’d been together three years ago, but with him, it was like all my inhibitions flew out the window. My sense of control completely dissipated when he came close to my airspace.

Biting my lower lip, I stood there trying to think. I needed to get away from there so I could clear my head. There was so much to tell him, but I had to gather my thoughts first.

I fumbled through his jeans and found his phone. Surprised he still didn’t use a lock code, I swiped his screen open. My heart raced and my lungs struggled to fill with air. Staring back at me was the picture I’d taken of us that first night. This was a different phone, so not only had he transferred it over, but he intentionally saved us as his home screen.

What the hell? My brain was a reeling blob of mush. Taking a deep breath, I called my phone from his, silencing mine before the ringing could wake him. Then I sent him a text as I set his phone back on his jeans.

Me: Colton. This is my number. We need to talk, but I need some time to gather my thoughts. I’ll be in touch soon. Steph

Silently as I could, I unlocked and opened the door, closing it behind me with a soft click.

Waking stiff and cold, I realized she was gone. I sat up quickly, throwing my feet to the floor and looking around in confusion. Where the hell did she go?

When I realized her clothes were gone, I frantically started to dress, stuffing my phone in my pocket and pulling on my boots.

With the side zippers of my boots unzipped, my fly still open, and my cut dangling from my fist, I raced out of the room and slammed out the back door.

No sign of her.

I went back in and through the hall up into the bar. The crowd had started to dwindle, and I caught Hollywood’s eye. He raised his eyebrows at me, taking in my disheveled appearance with a grin. When I saw no sign of her, I went back to the office to dress properly.

The pieces started to fall into place as I realized my angel, the blonde at the grocery store, and the sex kitten on the dance floor were one and the same. That meant the guy, Sam, was her brother. I remembered Hacker saying she was the little sister of his former teammate.

My angel.

Jesus, Hacker knew her this whole time!

I pulled out my phone to call him when I saw I had a text message.

Unknown number: Colton. This is my number. We need to talk, but I need some time to gather my thoughts. I’ll be in touch soon. Steph.

Stunned at the night’s events, I fell back into the office chair. My phone dropped to the floor with a thump when it slipped from my slack fingers.

What the fucking hell? How did she just get up and leave me? Putting aside the mind-blowing sex, there was the matter of our insane history. Did it not mean a damn thing to her? Fuck. I need to talk to her sooner than later.

Then a sick feeling settled in my stomach as I remembered the guy she was dancing with.

Fucking hell. Like I’d told myself for the last three motherfucking years, she was with someone else. It shouldn’t be a surprise. There shouldn’t be this vicious ache in my chest. I buried my head in my hands, clenching my hair as I fought the burn behind my eyelids.

Fuck. Just fuck.

MY BROTHERS AND ERIK looked at me like I’d lost my mind when I came rushing up to them. “Can one of you take me home?”

“What the fuck is going on? Who fucked with you? I can guarantee you I’ll take care of whoever it was,” Erik said as he jumped up from his seat.

“No!” I burst out in horror. Oh dear God, I couldn’t have him going after one of his brothers because he thought Colton had done something. Jesus, God in heaven. “No, I just started really missing Remi. I haven’t been away from her like this before, and it got me worked up.” I tried to appear calm and together. With the skeptical look I received from Erik, I wasn’t sure how well I pulled it off.

My brothers didn’t question me further, and we drove home in silence. As I walked toward the house, Sam called out to me. “Steph, if you need to talk, you know you can call me, right?”

I smiled at him and nodded. “Of course I do. Thank you for everything.”

I gave them a small wave and slowly walked up the stairs and through the front door.

Pausing in the entryway, I took in the silence of the old house before heading up the stairs. Like when I was a teen, I avoided the creaky ones.

Remi must’ve been with my mom, because she wasn’t in my room. Confirmation of my suspicion was my dad lying in bed softly snoring. Gently, I closed the door and went back to my room.

Lying down, I stared at the ceiling.

I was a total piece of shit for the way I ran out on him. As I lay in bed, I tried to come up with a scenario that worked out without him hating me. I’d had his child, and she was over two years old. He’d missed two years of her life. In what world was that okay?

In my defense, how was I supposed to find him when I had so very little to go on? I’d had his first name and very little else. Hell, I still didn’t know much more than I had then.

Maybe I should ask my mom what to do.

No.

She would only worry and tell me I needed to tell him, which I already knew.

Maybe I would just head back to Des Moines tomorrow after I met with Mama Jean. It would give me time and space to think, even though I knew I couldn’t put it off too long.

Trying desperately to go to sleep, I tossed and turned.

It didn’t help that I smelled him all over me. It was like he was wrapped around me, and every time I moved, I caught a faint whiff of his cologne or his leather.

Or sex.

Yeah, I smelled a lot like sex. I needed to shower first thing in the morning.

Frustrated, I punched my pillow in an attempt to make it more comfortable. No good.

I flipped it over, looking for the cool spot. Nope.

I tried counting sheep. Who the hell came up with that crappy idea? It didn’t work for shit! Ugh!

Most of the night, I lay wide awake.

I must have dozed off somewhere around dawn, because I vaguely remembered hearing my dad get up to start his day.

After I finally dozed off, my dreams were haunted. The recent memory of Colton’s touch, kiss, and his body against mine was like a living, breathing thing.

FIRST THING IN THE morning, I knocked on Hacker’s door. I’d waited as long as I could, barely sleeping all night.

I needed to ask him how to find her.

I’d tried to call her when I woke, but she didn’t answer her fucking phone. Besides, this was something I needed to talk to her about face-to-face. Beyond worrying about pissing off that douche she was with, I needed to see her.

If she could be with me last night, things couldn’t be that great with them.

When he didn’t answer, I pounded on the door again. My ear was damn near pressed to the wood as I listened for his steps or any sign of life.

“For fuck’s sake! I’m coming. Shit! There better be a motherfucking fire,” he mumbled. There was thumping and rustling behind the door before it flew open and Hacker glared at me. With bloodshot eyes, he stood there dressed only in his boxers.

“What the fuck, man? It’s like 7:00 a.m.”

“Hacker, I’m sorry, but I need to talk to you. It’s important.”

He leaned against the doorframe, arms crossed and eyebrows raised. “At seven in the morning? Shit. You’re killing me.”

“It’s about Stephanie. I need to talk to her. I need to know where I can find her.” I pleaded with my eyes. Jesus, I was like a fucking lunatic. I was beginning to unravel, and it was bullshit.

The words had no sooner left my mouth than he rushed me. Grabbing me by the front of my cut, he slammed my ass against the wall. His face in a vicious snarl, he did it again before I could even think to defend myself.

“It was you! You motherfucker, I should gut you now. What the fuck did you do to her? I knew something had happened!” He looked like he would strangle me any second.

Pissed, I grabbed his wrists and shoved him away from me. “Get your fucking hands off me! I didn’t fucking do anything to her she didn’t want.”

A rock-hard fist connected with my jaw before I saw it coming.

Jesus H. Christ! Reflex had me reacting, and I punched him in the gut. As he doubled over, I pushed my hair out of my face and stepped back.

“Goddamn, man, I don’t want to fight with you. I just need to talk to her,” I said in defeat.

He remained bent over with his hands on his knees, breathing deep, head bowed. After a minute, he lifted his head.

“Just leave her alone, Reaper. She’s like my little sister, and she has a kid, man. They don’t need your kind of shit baggage. Just… just stay away from her.”

A kid? What? What the fuck is this stupid motherfucker talking about?

My head shook back and forth in denial. She didn’t have a kid. He was fucking crazy. Unless that was what she wanted to talk to me about.

Shit, maybe she was married. Or maybe she thought what we’d done was a horrible mistake.

My head spun.

Fuck me. Unable to grasp the thoughts fucking up my head, I leaned against the wall. Defeated, I slid down until I sat with my arms propped on my knees and my hands dangled loose.

All those years of holding her in my mind, staring at that damn picture, praying I might find her again.

They say be careful what you wish for. Now I wished I’d never seen her again. At least then I could have continued to feel like there was still hope.

The blackness in my soul, which I fought so hard to keep at bay, was creeping in to swallow me.

When I rolled out of bed, my bleary eyes could barely focus. Stumbling to the bathroom, I climbed in before the water was even hot. After a cursory wash, I got out and went back to my room to dress.

My phone lit up as I entered the room. Damn, since going to bed last night, I’d missed five calls and had seven text messages. Shit. I wasn’t ready to talk to him yet. But as I opened the messages, I saw all but one were from Michael.

Crap. That was worse.

Michael: Where are you?

Michael: Call me

Michael: Call me. Please

Michael: Steph I’m worried about you. Call me

Michael: Call me. Now

Michael: I have been trying to see you all weekend. You weren’t home last night or this morning. I tried to give you some time but this is getting ridiculous.

Michael: Steph. Answer your god damn phone!

The last message was seven minutes ago.

Yeah, asshole, and I bet you had a big surprise when you tried to get into my apartment and the lock was changed, huh?

God, I loved my management company.

Drained, I tossed my phone on the bed, having no intention of answering him. Dressing quickly, I threw my hair up in a messy bun and went downstairs. Following the smell of bacon cooking, I headed to the kitchen.

Warm sunlight flowed in through the lace curtains. Mom was at the stove cooking, and Remi sat quietly at the table coloring with a fat purple crayon. She looked up and saw me standing in the doorway. Her face lit up, and she scrambled down from the chair and wrapped her little arms around my legs.

“Mommy! Wemi miss you so, so much!” she exclaimed.

I scooped her up, sharing a good morning kiss with her. As I repeatedly kissed her dimples, they were a straight punch to the gut.

Burying the emotion, I squeezed her in a great big hug.

“Mommy! You squish Wemi!” She giggled.

I laughed with her as I placed her back in her chair at the table, where she happily resumed coloring after I sat next to her. With a small smile, I shook my head at how cute she was when she struggled with her Rs.

“Do you need help with anything?” I glanced over to my mom.

“No thank you,” she said with a soft tip of her lips. Then she went back to flipping bacon and stirring eggs.

“I need to head to town this afternoon. I’m going to take Remi and get some I-C-E C-R-E-A-M after I run a couple of errands.” I spelled it out or I would never get her to eat her breakfast.

My mom laughed. “Do you want company?”

“I need to take care of some things alone. I’ll be back afterward, and we’ll be here at least through tomorrow.”

My response obviously disappointed her.

“Wait. At least until tomorrow?” my mom asked with confusion. “Don’t you have to work on Monday?”

“Yes, but I may need to call in.” I didn’t want to get into why I was reluctant to head home.

She started to question me more, but I held up my hand. “Please, Mom, it’s a long story that I don’t want to get into right now.”

She pressed her lips together in annoyance but didn’t say any more. No fool, I knew that didn’t mean she’d dropped the subject.

We took Remi out to gather eggs. She laughed and giggled and tried to catch the chickens, but they ran circles around her.

As we were leaving the chicken coop, I saw Sam pull up in the driveway and get out of his truck. He had a troubled expression on his face as he leaned against his truck with his arms crossed.

Of my two brothers, Sam and I looked the most alike. We’d both inherited our mother’s clear blue eyes and blonde hair, though his had darkened with age and was now more honey-colored.

The irritation and concern I saw in his eyes had me on edge. Once we walked closer to the house, he stood up and dropped his arms.

He hugged our mom and kissed Remi. “I’ll be in to see her soon.”

Then he turned to me, intercepting me by catching my arm and quietly stating, “We need to talk.”

“Okayyyyy… what about? Is everything okay with you?” I wasn’t sure where this was leading, but I didn’t think I was going to like it. Cautiously, I followed him as he began to walk down the driveway. Silently, he cut across the front yard to sit on the bench under the big oak tree.

I sat down next to him, and he turned to me.

“You wanna tell me what happened with you and Reaper last night?” he said without preamble.

His use of Colton’s road name threw me for a second.

Shit. Not a conversation I wanted to have with my older, very protective brother. Crossing my arms, I stood up and turned away from him. It was easier than meeting his accusing eyes.

“Nothing happened, Sam. I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I tried for calm nonchalance, but I knew I failed miserably when he continued.

“Really. Then why the hell was he asking Erik how to find you this morning? How would he know who you are, Steph, if nothing happened? Even though he’s quiet as hell and a little pensive, he’s always seemed like a pretty decent guy. When Erik officially introduced us last night, I liked him. But looks can be deceiving, and I need to know if I read him wrong. Was he the one who put those bruises on your arms? You know, the ones you tried to cover with makeup last night. Tell me what’s going on. Do you know him or not, Steph?” His tone was getting sharper, and I could sense his frustration building.

“No! God no! He didn’t do that to me! I swear!” I started to sob and covered my face with my hands.

Suddenly tired of holding all my shit in, I turned toward him. Shoulders sagging, I told him about Michael and how he had started out such a sweet, great guy but had steadily been progressing to a possessive psycho. Tears continued to run down my face as I stared down at my shoes when I’d finished.

Sam gathered me in a big hug.

“I’m going to fucking kill him, Steph,” he ground out in a low voice. “And Reaper? Where does he fit in this? And don’t give me that crap about nothing happened. I don’t fucking buy it. A man doesn’t want to find a woman with the desperation Erik described if there’s nothing between them.”

Swallowing hard, I raised tear-filled eyes to his and whispered in a tortured voice, “He’s Remi’s father, but he doesn’t know it.”

“Holy shit! Are you fucking kidding me? That little girl is over two years old! And you never told him? How could you do that to her? And how in the hell could you keep a father from his own daughter, Steph?” His expression was incredulous.

I pulled away, turning from him.

“It wasn’t like that,” I answered as I plucked at the hem of my shirt. Then I proceeded to tell him the whole sordid story, minus the details of our night together. There were some things a brother did not need to hear.

“Fuck, Steph. He’s lived here for a while. How have you never seen him?” He ran his hands through his hair in frustration. “Jesus, you have to tell him. If you don’t, I will. It’s not fair to either of them.”

“You think I don’t know that? You think I didn’t pray every day that things had been different and I could’ve told him? And if you remember correctly, I haven’t been home much in the last couple of years,” I cried out. “Now after all this time, I don’t know what to say to him.”

“Just tell him! He’ll understand.” He gave me another hug. “I love you, little sis, but you have to do this sooner than later.”

NEEDING SOME WINDY THERAPY, I left the clubhouse alone and went for a ride. The sorry thing was even the wind whipping past me as I flew down the highway did little to still or calm my crazy fucking mind. My thoughts were all over the place.

I was angry. For some stupid goddamn reason, it was like she’d betrayed me.

It left me feeling hopeless… and for the first time in a long while, I felt like giving up.

As I approached a sharp curve in the road, it crossed my mind to just keep going straight. It wasn’t the first time I’d struggled with that vision.

At the last minute, I slowed. Leaning, I accelerated as I continued through the curve. Without conscious thought, I took the next turn and followed the road past the lake.

The first boat loading and unloading area had me pulling off.

I hit the kill switch and put my kickstand down as I sat on my bike. Leaning over my handlebars, I stared out at the sun reflecting and glittering on the water. A deep breath filled my lungs. I didn’t know what to fucking do with myself.

Unbidden, memories crept in.

I leaned against a crumbling wall, gunfire and explosions coming from all around us. Mason sat next to me and took a quick glance through a hole in the wall. There was no sign of our extraction team yet. We’d completed our mission and made it to the rendezvous coordinates.

As we waited, we looked at each other and leaned our heads back against the shitty wall.

Out of habit, I pulled my phone out. It didn’t matter that I didn’t have service. I’d brought it with me and kept it charged so I could look at the picture of her smile. Determination flooded me, and I told myself I’d find her no matter what it took.

I’d tell her that it might be crazy, but she’d kept me sane while I was gone. I was pretty sure I loved her. In my mind, she’d hug me, tell me she loved me too and she’d been waiting for me. Like a love-struck schmuck, I kissed the screen, then turned it off and tucked it back into my tactical vest. I looked at Mason, and he shook his head and smiled as we heard the sound of the Blackhawk getting closer. We raced up to the top of the hill, and I sent up a thank-you to my angel for getting me through again.

I shook my head, clearing out the memory that had taken over. It was obvious I needed to fucking move on. It was time to accept that she wasn’t my damn guardian angel anymore and the dream that’d kept me sane had come to an end.

We had a job coming up that required me to have my fucking head screwed on straight. It was time to get my fucking shit in one sack and deal. Hell, I didn’t know how much more crap I could handle on my plate, but I told myself I’d dealt with worse before and came out just fine.

Fucking A.

Starting up my bike, I headed back toward town. I needed a fucking beer.

The closer I got to town, the clearer my head became. Fuck her, I didn’t need her shit in my life. If she was going to fuck around on her guy, she wasn’t the girl my imagination had built her ass up to be.

Reality never lived up to fantasy.

Before I knew it, I was pulling up to the Oasis.

Backing my bike up to the curb, I hit the kill switch and flipped down the kickstand. After getting off my bike, I slid my shades off and stepped into the dim interior. Stretching my stiff leg out, I walked up to the bar.

Mama handed me my Corona. “Who fucking kicked your puppy, son?”

A self-deprecating laugh escaped me at her question. “Let’s just say I’ve come to some realizations, and life isn’t always what you think it’s gonna be.” Not wanting to be bothered, I took my beer to a booth in the back where I could sit in the shadows.

I’d been nursing the beer for a while when I heard the door open. Someone came in and a child squealed in laughter. It was a melodious sound, and it made me smile.

Absently listening to the murmur of voices, I drew lines in the condensation.

Suddenly, there were quick little footsteps running toward me, and a little kid scrambled up into the other side of my booth. She placed her hands flat on the table, peered at me, and then gave me a big dimpled grin.

“Hi!” she burst out as I heard a familiar voice coming closer.

“Remi, you cannot just run off! And you can’t just hop up and bother people. I’m so sorry, sirrrrr….” Her voice trailed off, and I looked up to see Stephanie. She’d gone white as a sheet for the second time in two days as she stood stock-still by the table.

My stupid-ass heart raced just seeing her. It made me wish the traitorous chunk of muscle was still dead inside.

I glanced from her to the little girl. She looked around two years old or so. Slowly, I took in the dimples, the ice-blue eyes, the dark head of hair. She had beautiful curls just like her mother.

Comprehension dawning, I tried to do the math.

No. No fucking way. My eyes flashed to Steph, who was trying to pick the girl up, but the little one was having none of it.

In what seemed like slow motion, I reached out and placed my hand on her arm.

“Leave her. Sit.” My tone left no room for argument. My nostrils flared angrily.

Reluctantly, she slid into the booth next to the little girl. White teeth tugged her bottom lip as she stared down at her hands twisting on the tabletop so she didn’t have to meet my eyes.

“Is she?” I couldn’t say it. The words got stuck in my throat, and I couldn’t swallow.

“Yes,” she softly whispered.

I was in shock. This bitch had had my baby and kept her from me to have some other asshole raise her? My jaw clenched as I struggled to maintain my cool. It took everything I had not to explode. The last thing I wanted to do was frighten the little sweetheart sitting at the table organizing the ketchup, salt, and pepper containers.

On that night so many years ago, I’d told her I had no family I knew of and how I wished it were different. I hadn’t discussed a lot about myself, but I remembered that being mentioned.

How could she think it was okay to keep her from me, knowing I had no one? Anger had me wanting to throttle her, and I didn’t hurt women. Ever.

It was like I’d been dealt the deepest betrayal anyone could have given me. I’d made her into an untouchable guardian angel over the years. Now I realized how incredibly foolish that unrealistic ideal had been.

As I stood, I looked her dead in the eye. Indescribable anger toward her rippled through me, and I was having a hard time reining in my rage. I wanted to scoop the little girl—my little girl—up and run off with her. Thankfully, I had enough clarity to know I was in no state of mind to be around her.

“So you had my baby and then just replaced me in her life? Did you even try to find me?” It came out a harsh, angry whisper. I could only shake my head in disbelief. Ignoring the look of shocked incredulity on her face, I walked around her and stormed out the door. She had no right to look shocked. No right at all.

She frantically called my name, but I ignored her. When she burst out the door of the bar, I revved my engine to drown out her voice. Barely holding on to my sanity, I rode off like a bat out of hell down the street and out of town.

Head pounding, I tried to gather my thoughts. When I was done cooling my temper, she and I were going to sit down, and I was going to get some fucking answers.

I found myself back at the boat landing. Lying on the end of the small dock that jutted out into the lake, I stared at the pale blue sky with the clouds drifting slowly past. The color reminded me of the sheets we’d wrinkled and scattered off the bed that night.

The image of them tucked around her full tits flashed through my head. Though it was a new phone, the pic was still there.

What a pathetic piece of shit I was. No matter what I did, I couldn’t fucking reconcile the angel of my memories with the woman she really was, and it was fucking killing me. Both fists slammed down on the dock. The ancient boards rattled and shook with the force.

Yelling out my frustration, I sat up. Leaning my head on my crossed arms as they rested on my knees, I closed my eyes. Trying to ground myself, I focused on the sound of the birds, the water lapping gently against the pilings of the dock, and my breath as it entered and exited my body.

It was like I’d been transported back to the hospital. Disillusionment swam in me. I was dead inside, but the sounds around me told me I lived.

Slowly my mind calmed and cleared, leaving me feeling guilty for the way I’d treated her.

God, I was a real dick. The problem was, sometimes I couldn’t control my anger, despite working so hard to keep my wicked inner demons at bay.

The dam hadn’t burst, it fucking exploded.

Inhaling deeply, I pictured the little girl. My little girl.

Damn, I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that I was a father.

She had my dark hair and the same fucking dimples that chicks went apeshit over.

Those wide eyes were the same blue as mine, not pale and soft like her mother’s. They were clear and vibrant blue with darker flecks. The same ones I saw every time I looked in the mirror. Those few things were all I could recall, because I’d begun seeing red soon after she’d climbed up to the table.

One thing I knew with certainty was I wanted to have a relationship with her. Tough shit if her mother had replaced me in her life. My child was going to know me. I’d never have her growing up like I had, not knowing my father.

Once I’d calmed down, I knew I needed to talk to Stephanie.

I’d needed time to pull my stupid hot head out of my ass.

Feeling like an idiot, I removed my phone from my back pocket and pulled up the message she’d sent. Before I could change my mind, I shot off a reply. Once I received her brief response, I stuck it back in my pocket.

Me: We need to talk. Tonight. Meet me at the Oasis. Dress for a ride.

Stephanie: I’ll see what I can do.

In the meantime, I needed to get back to the clubhouse and talk to Hacker. We needed to fix the shit from earlier. We were brothers, and I couldn’t have shit like that hanging over us and coming between us.

He needed to know that the “kid” Steph had was mine. My kid. My daughter. I also needed him to look into what she’d been up to over the last three years.

I wanted to know everything about the preppy fuck she was with. Hell, I wanted to know the first time he took a shit and who changed it. I wanted to know what he ate for breakfast. I wanted to know what his throat felt like as it was being squeezed by my bare hands because he’d touched her.

And I wanted to know how and where she’d been raising my child.

My daughter.

Fuck. I had a daughter.

I was a fucking father.

Jesus, help me.

Stephanie. My Stephanie. I finally had her name, and yet she wasn’t mine and never would be. She’d moved on like I knew she would.

What I needed to accept was that I was never meant for her.

I was damaged and evil.

My soul was black and rotting. I’d snuffed out the lives of human beings without batting an eye. Whether I wanted to face it or not, I was scarred and broken. Certainly no good for her.

I could only hope that I could be a better father than I was a man.

SHOCK CONSUMED ME AS I stood on the sidewalk staring down the road. I couldn’t believe what had happened. Of all the scenarios I imagined of me telling him about Remi, that was definitely not one of them. And what did he mean, I replaced him?

I’d wanted to arrange a time to talk to him and explain. I wanted to introduce Remi to her daddy. I thought… shit, I didn’t know what I thought.

In a daze, I turned and reentered the bar. Slowly, I walked back to the table where Remi sat with Mama eating her chicken nuggets and fries.

“Thank you for sitting with her.”

Mama looked up at me with concern as I dropped into the seat across from them. Trying to swallow the baseball-sized lump in my throat, I stared at my shaking hands. My mind was whirling, and I was fighting to keep the heavy tears pooling in my eyes from falling.

Mama reached a small but strong hand over and placed it on top of mine. Quietly, she squeezed them in a reassuring manner.

“I only heard a little of the situation back here but enough to know you and Reaper have some things to talk about and work out, hon. I think maybe what I wanted to talk to you about can wait. You already have a lot on your plate.” She patted my hands and began to pull away, but I caught her hand and met her gaze as I choked back my tears.

“No, Mama, I’m good.” I sniffed and gave her a wobbly smile. “Really. Please, talk to me. Is everything okay? I’ll do what I can to help you if there’s something you need.”

“Ummm, well.” She took a deep breath. “I was going to talk to you about taking over the Oasis. Pops and I have been talking about retiring so we can travel more while we’re still able, and I can’t let just anyone take over. It’s the only baby I’ve ever had besides those boys. You’re part of this town, Steph, and you grew up with the Oasis. When you told me what you went to school for, well….”

That was the last thing I’d expected her to tell me. I thought maybe she needed help with reorganization or menus or something. I didn’t know what to say.

The wheels in my head started spinning at about 200 miles an hour as my mouth flopped open and shut like a damn fish.

Mama took in my expression and burst out in her raspy, raucous laugh.

“Girl, you look like the little bass I caught last week out at the lake! We can talk more later. You just think on it.” She started to leave the booth.

“Wait! Mama, I don’t know. I mean, what I meant to say was I don’t have that kind of money. I wouldn’t know where to begin! I… well… I’m so flattered, but I’m so… wow,” I stammered as unbidden ideas for the bar popped in my head one after the other.

“Well, we could probably work something out. You know the club takes care of their own. The way I see it, after the bit I heard earlier, little Miss Remi here is a connection of the club, whether you like it or not. You give that boy time to cool off and then talk to him. He’s usually a quiet one, but he has a level head. He’ll come around.”

At the sound of her name, Remi looked up with a mouthful of chicken nugget and shouted, “Wemi!” patting herself on the chest.

We both laughed as I hugged her close and kissed the top of her dark, silky curls.

Mama and I spent the next hour or more going over thoughts and plans for how I could take over the Oasis. The more we talked and the more I thought about it, the thought of coming home was nothing but right.

A warmth started in my soul and was spreading outward.

We had decided if I could come up with a down payment, we would draw up a contract where I could make monthly payments to her. I’d then have the option to refinance when I was able. I could make changes to the bar menu and remodel as long as the changes met Mama’s approval until it was refinanced in my name. The longer we sat talking, the more excited I was to go home and discuss the opportunity with my parents.

One by one, I began ticking off everything in my life that needed to be addressed.

My apartment was on a month-to-month because I’d been there past my one-year lease term and hadn’t gotten around to signing a new one. I could turn in my notice at work and pack while I worked out my final days at the restaurant. It wasn’t like I had a lot to pack; everything would probably fit in my SUV and a small rental trailer.

Colton was furious with me. Though it ripped out my heart, I didn’t expect him to forgive me. I just prayed he’d come around and want to be a daddy to Remi. She deserved to have her mommy and her daddy in her life.

If we were able to sit down and talk, we could work out a visitation schedule. He wouldn’t need to interact with me unless it had to do with Remi’s care or future. My chest ached as if there was a gaping hole where my heart had been at the thought of being so close to him and yet not being able to touch him and be with him.

Fate was a cruel bitch.

My phone pinged with a message as Remi and I pulled up in front of my parents’ house. When I saw it was from Colton, my heart lurched. With shaking hands, I opened the message.

Colton: We need to talk. Tonight. Meet me at the Oasis. Dress for a ride.

Oh shit. Trying to gain control of my raging emotions, I closed my eyes. Then I quickly tapped out a reply.

Me: I’ll see what I can do.

Gathering Remi from the car, I carefully set her on her feet and held her until I knew she had her balance. Hand in hand, we walked across the brick-paved sidewalk to the steps.

As I opened the door, she pulled her hand from mine and ran into the house, shouting, “Gama! Gampa!” I couldn’t help my sad smile as I heard her squeal with laughter.

With a heavy heart, I hung my keys on one of the hooks by the door and took my shoes off, lining them up neatly on the mat.

Taking a deep, fortifying breath, I walked down the short hall to the kitchen. Stopping in the doorway, I leaned on the frame. Quietly, I absorbed the domestic warmth that always emanated from my mother’s kitchen.

Both of my parents looked up from the table where they sat having coffee. Remi sat in my dad’s lap, and he was letting her scoop sugar in his cup as he directed her. He was prepared to catch her hand if she spilled. After he took the spoon from her, Remi leaned back into my dad and rubbed her eyes as her Cupid’s bow mouth stretched in a little yawn.

I walked forward and reached for her. “I’m going to lay this one down for a short nap. If you both have a minute, there are some things I need to talk to you both about.”

“Of course, honey. We’ll be right here when you’re done.” My mom gave Remi a wave and blew her a kiss as I carried her out to the living room where we had set up a Pack ’n Play for her naps.

I lay her down, tucking her snuggle blankie and her favorite stuffed elephant up under her chin. She barely fit in the thing anymore, she was getting so big. With a sigh, she rubbed her face in the blankie and her eyes drifted closed. Our little adventure had worn her clean out.

Nervous, I returned to the kitchen and sat at the table. Feeling the need to do something with my hands, I started twisting a napkin. I had a hard time meeting either of my parents’ eyes as I began to recite the same conversation I’d had with my brother earlier.

With regret, I told them about Michael and Colton, but also added the conversation I’d had with Mama earlier. By the time I’d finished, bits of napkin were piled in front of me and tears ran down my cheeks and neck, soaking the collar of my T-shirt.

My parents had yet to say a word. I hesitantly looked up at them, and my dad reached out for me. He pulled me from my chair and hugged me tight in his arms, like when I was young.

Mom reached over, rubbing her hand on my back in a soothing manner.

Dad spoke first.

“Stephanie, I wish you’d told us this when you were pregnant and everyone was beating you up about being selfish. We could’ve tried to help you find him if we’d known the truth. I know your brothers and I were hard on you back then, and I’m sorry for that. So sorry. We love you. We want what’s best for you, and while we would have preferred things to have worked out in a different order for you, we wouldn’t trade that little girl for the world. She was the best gift you could’ve given any of us.” He looked at my mother, seeming to have a conversation without words.

“Colton wants to talk to me tonight. Would you mind watching Remi again?” I asked.

“That’s no trouble at all,” Mom assured me. “It’s best to talk to him and get things sorted out ASAP.”

“Why don’t you go wash your face with cool water and lie down for a bit?” Dad suggested. “I want to talk to your mother about a few things, and we can talk again tonight, okay?”

Nodding, I accepted a kiss from my mom, then trudged upstairs. Skipping the bathroom, I collapsed on my bed.

God, how has my life become such a train wreck?

IMPATIENT, I SAT ON my bike in front of the Oasis, waiting for Stephanie to arrive. She’d sent me a message saying she’d be there by eight o’clock. It was 7:55.

Then I saw an older SUV turn into the square and park two spots up from where I sat. Slowly, she got out, tucked her key into her tight pocket, and walked over to me. She was tugging at the hem of her shirt nervously, her bottom lip held by her teeth. Those beautiful eyes looked up at me, and I handed her the helmet I’d been holding on my leg for her. She took it from me, cinching it down tight.

“Get on.”

She didn’t question me but threw her leg over the back of my bike, settling her chest against my back. Then she wrapped her slender arms around my torso, locking her hands over my abs. The feel of those plump tits pressed into my back made my cock jump. It was difficult to ignore how good they felt pushed up against me.

Fucking hell. That wasn’t what this time was supposed to be about.

Down, boy… she has someone else. Too bad he didn’t want to listen. Traitorous bastard.

With a rumble of pipes, I started my bike. By rote, I flicked it in gear with the toe of my boot, eased off the clutch and onto the throttle, and we took off down the road. I knew exactly where I was taking her. I needed us to be alone without interruptions.

When I pulled up to the boat landing and hit the kill switch, she hopped off my bike like it was on fire. She headed over to the picnic table under the tree, taking off the helmet as she walked.

Entranced by her nearness, I followed her and tried to keep myself from staring at the full globes of her ass in her tight jeans. It didn’t fucking work.

Suddenly unsure, I sat on the top of the table, placing my feet on the bench seat. Resting my elbows on my knees, I ran my hands through the hair on the top of my head. It was all I could do to keep my distance from her. It took phenomenal willpower to keep my fucking hands from reaching out to pull her curvy body close to mine.

We both started to speak at the same time.

“I don’t—”

“I’m sorry, Steph—”

“Umm, you go ahead,” she said quietly.

Inhaling deeply, I blew it out hard and studied the section of the bench between my booted feet.

“I’m sorry, Stephanie. I was a dick today, and I fucking know it. You didn’t deserve that, nor did you deserve my hateful thoughts. I’ve had time to cool my shit and think today. I was a fucking douche for accusing you of keeping our daughter from me. After thinking about it, I realized you had no way of contacting me. What you don’t know was the next morning, as you were sleeping, I wrote my name and number down for you. But then I felt stupid and threw it in your trash. Earlier, at the Oasis, I didn’t remember pitching it, just that I’d written it. My fucked-up head latched on to that and pronounced you guilty. I can’t even imagine you going through all of that alone, and I feel like a complete piece of shit.” I looked into her beautiful blue eyes. “I need you to know I’d never before and haven’t since been with anyone without a fucking condom. Ever. I don’t even know why I didn’t with you. I have no excuses, Stephanie. It was a real dick move on my part. I’d like to say I’m sorry, but after seeing her, I just can’t.”

She didn’t look like she was overly happy when I mentioned the chicks after her, but fuck, it wasn’t like we’d been together back then. Hell, she was with someone else now.

God, why did the thought of her fucking someone else piss me off so bad? Knots tightened in my stomach. Jesus, I needed to stop thinking about it. And I certainly hadn’t been a fucking monk. Never claimed to be.

“Colton—” she began, but I cut her off.

“It’s Reaper. Just Reaper. I don’t even feel like Colton exists anymore.” In all honesty, I tried to keep him buried. Colton was fucking weak and stupid. Colton had held on to a ridiculous notion of love for a woman in a goddamn cell phone pic.

“Okay, umm, Reaper….” She seemed unsure as she said my road name. “You’re right, I had no way to get in touch with you. I only knew your first name. I knew very little about you, which didn’t give me much to go on to track you down. Trust me, I would never have chosen for things to play out like they did. I didn’t try to get pregnant, I didn’t try to keep you and your daughter apart, but I wouldn’t change it for the world. She is my world. If you want the honest-to-God truth, Colton—I mean, um, Reaper, I thought about you every damn day.” Her voice cracked on the last word. I looked over in time to see her discreetly touch a finger under her eye to catch the lone escaped tear.

“Stephanie, it’s okay. I get it now. And I don’t fucking blame you for finding someone else. I just hope he’s good to you and our daughter.” It killed me to say that. Fuck, did it rip me apart.

Confusion masked her beautiful face as she reached out to rest a hand on my forearm. A jolt shot up my arm at her touch.

“I’m not with anyone, Reaper. I came here this weekend to get the hell away from the guy I was seeing, but I don’t know if you would say we were even really dating. He ended up not being who I thought he was.” She looked me in the eyes with a distressed expression.

“Stephanie, I saw you dancing with him at the birthday bash. I figured that was why you took off after we hooked up. It’s okay though. It was nothing. I know things got out of control; we were both half drunk and not using sound judgment. I won’t say anything to him or anyone else. I swear.” Jesus, it gutted me to make it sound as if Friday night didn’t mean the fucking world to me, as if I didn’t feel whole when her body was next to mine. I wanted to punch my-damn-self for lying like that.

She stood up, then knelt on the bench between my boots, cradling my face in her soft hands. She lifted my head to look at her, and when I met her beautiful pale blue eyes, a flood of emotion ripped open my chest.

“First of all, Chas—the guy you saw me dancing with—is an old friend from high school, and he’s gay. So what you thought you saw was definitely not what it actually was. Funny enough, I was behind you in line at Fareway the other day. Of course, I didn’t know it was you at the time, but you intrigued me. Then when I saw you standing over by Erik and my brother? Well, maybe it was the alcohol—no, definitely the alcohol—but I was dancing for you.” She laughed nervously. “Shoot, I should probably be asking if you have someone.”

She wasn’t with him.

He was gay, for Christ’s sake. Definitely not interested in her in that way.

Holy shit. I’d seriously jumped to conclusions. It had me feeling like a dumb fuck.

“Jesus, Stephanie, no. There isn’t anyone else.” I scrubbed my face with my hands. “I’m not going to lie to you and tell you I haven’t been with anyone else. But every fucking one of them? I pretended they were you.”

“I think I would prefer not to imagine that.” She laughed again, but it faded away as hunger crept into her gaze.

Everything around us stood still as she leaned in to gently kiss me. As soon as our lips touched, it was as if a fire ignited. A kiss couldn’t be soft and gentle between us; our kisses were desperate, frantic—a battle of tongues, lips, and teeth. A crazy attempt to make up for lost time.

Grabbing her ass, I hauled her up to straddle my lap. Shamelessly, I pulled her jean-covered pussy tight against my cock as it strained against my zipper. A sharp intake of her breath against my mouth sucked the oxygen from me. A soft exhale morphed to a moan as I ground against her.

With my arms wrapped tight around her, I pressed her into my chest and threaded my fingers deep into her tangled blonde curls. When I broke from the kiss, both of us gasped for air. Needy, I pulled her head back by her hair to gain better access to kiss and nip on her soft, smooth skin.

Damn, she tasted better than I remembered.

I slipped a hand under her shirt and lifted it above the top of her bra. I almost lost my fucking mind when I saw her breasts swelling up over her lacy bra as they heaved with each breath.

Done waiting, I pushed her bra down, leaned over to run my tongue along the curve of her plump tit, and then sucked it into my mouth. As I groaned, the tip puckered against my tongue.

She held my head close to her chest, but she didn’t keep me from going back and forth between her lush nipples.

Pulling back abruptly, I released her with a popping sound. Impatient, I captured her mouth with mine and squeezed both luscious breasts in my hands. When her breath quickened and her back arched, I knew she was close to coming from our juvenile actions.

Relentless, I persisted. It wasn’t long before her body stiffened and she stopped grinding her hips to press herself tight to me. Then she buried her head in my shoulder as she groaned into my neck. As she stiffened, she bit down on the spot where my neck met my shoulder.

“That’s right, baby. Don’t hold back. Come for me. Don’t stop.” I held her tight as I rained kisses on her head and nipped her ear through her curtain of hair.

Holding her by her ass, I slid off the table and dropped to my knees, laying her back as gently as I could into the soft green grass. Kneeling between her legs, I looked down at her flushed face and the wild tangle of curls spread out on the ground.

Kiss-swollen lips parted, and her eyes were bright and wide. The glow of the setting sun behind us glittered over the water, making her skin sparkle. The scent of the earth around us called to me on a primitive level.

“God, you’re fucking beautiful.” I had no idea what the shit was between us, but she was like looking at eternity, and I didn’t want to let her go. Ever. And I was going to show her how much I fucking needed to feel her wrapped around me.

I grabbed her shirt, pulling it up over her head and setting it to the side.

Gazing down at her, I couldn’t resist leaning over to run my tongue across the perfect arch of the top of her tits. They rested over the top of her bra like an offering. Cradling them, I sucked lightly on each nipple.

Once I’d had my fill, I reached down and pulled off her boots. Slowly, like I was opening a gift, I unbuttoned her jeans, pushing them down her legs until she kicked them off her feet and ankles.

My lips continued the worship of her body as I slipped my hands under her when she arched her back, giving me better access to the hook of her bra. With a flick of my fingers, it came loose, and I tossed it to the side before dragging her panties off as fast as I could.

After she was completely nude, I knelt there between her spread legs and took her in. Both to compare and memorize her body now against the first time I’d seen it.

Like the first time, she was abso-fucking-lutely gorgeous.

Perfect. Just fucking perfect.

Though there were subtle changes, she still took my breath away. Her tits seemed a little fuller than I remembered, and her hips had widened slightly into a woman’s. She still had her belly button pierced, and her stomach, though slightly curved, was still taut. Amazed, I ran my fingers lightly along the few faint silver lines I’d missed the last time—evidence of when our child had grown inside her.

Imagining her belly swollen with my child, our daughter, I felt an instant pang of regret that I’d missed it, but I quickly pushed it aside. There was no room for regret between us. Regardless of where things went from there, in that moment and for as long as I could keep her, she was mine.

Featherlight, I caressed from her belly to her hips and across her groin, causing her to shiver. Finally, I trailed across her mound and down her wet folds. I leaned over, pressing light kisses to each of the faint marks from our baby. When I rose up, I cupped her wet pussy firmly. Staring into her eyes, I leaned over her with my weight held on one arm.

“This pussy? It’s mine. No one else’s. I do not share. No one touches this but me. Say it.”

“It’s yours,” I heard her breathlessly whisper.

I groaned as I leaned in to kiss her and my fingers separated her slick, wet folds. Wanting to savor her, I teased her before sliding first one finger and then another into her. She moaned, clawing at my back through my shirt. Boldly, she pressed her pussy into my hand as I circled my palm on her clit and fucked her with my fingers.

Her walls quivered before they tightened and pulsed, her creamy release soaking my fingers and hand. Sweet fucking hell, her body was made for me. There was no way this woman could respond like this to anyone else, and I was going to make sure she never did.

This pussy? This body? My soul knew it was mine. Touching her was like coming home. Being inside her was like a healing balm that soothed my blackened soul.

I couldn’t believe the things he did to me. It should be against the law for a person to feel this good. He played my body like a master pianist played the piano, bringing forth music that shattered the soul.

When he pulled his fingers from between my legs and raised them to his full lips, I couldn’t believe it. Oh. My. God. He wouldn’t…. He did. I watched him lick his fingers before leaning in to kiss me.

“Taste how your body responds to me,” he whispered before kissing me gently and running his tongue across mine. Never in a million years would I have thought that would be a turn-on, but I became a shameless hussy with him.

Pulling away from the kiss, I tugged at his clothes. “Take them off, please.” More than anything, I needed to feel him, touch his skin… taste him. My hands wildly grasped at his shirt and jeans, plucking and pulling at them.

Gently, he extricated my hands from his clothes and stood above me. I probably looked wild and savage as I lay sprawled out on the ground, panting as I watched him undress. He wasn’t moving fast enough, and I heard myself whimper.

He was driving me crazy.

He grasped his shirt by the back and pulled it over his head in one swift sweep, tossing it to the ground. Without pause, he unbuckled his belt, unfastened his jeans, and slid them down his legs, stepping out of them as he kicked them to the side.

When I saw the defined ridge in his boxer briefs and the small damp spot on them at the top, I licked my lips before biting the lower one in anticipation. As he slid them off, his thick cock sprang out.

Appreciatively, I studied the bold tattoos that twisted and wrapped his arms from wrist to shoulder. Some I remembered from before, but many were new.

There was a large eagle across his back with the tips of the spread wings touching the edge of his shoulders. A set of tattooed dog tags were surrounded by other designs, and words ran all along his left side.

His ink did absolutely nothing to detract from the sexy, sculpted muscles he still maintained, and I actually might have started drooling.

Sweet Mary, mother of God.

His legs flexed and bunched as he crouched and then knelt back down to the grass. There were even tats on his left leg, but I wasn’t able to see what they were before he was lying over me, bracing his weight on his forearms. Softly, he brushed my hair from my face and looked piercingly into my eyes.

“Do you know how many times you saved me? Kept me strong? Brought me back?” he asked me in a low voice. I shook my head. His lips brushed softly along mine as he whispered, “You’re my angel, Steph. You were with me the entire time.”

“Colton—I mean, Reaper, I feel like… I want to tell you….” I couldn’t form a complete sentence. It was like my brain had turned to mush. He did that to me.

“When it’s just us like this? Use my real name. Only with you, like this, can I be the man you remember from that first night. Jesus, you deserve so much more than what I am now. God, Steph, I’m so fucked up inside.”

I caressed his face.

“Even though we haven’t been together these past few years, you were never out of my thoughts. Trust me, I don’t want to scare you away or make you say anything you don’t feel or want to say. But I need you to know where my head is before we go any further. Colton, I think I’m falling for you. I can’t help it. You’ve always been in my heart,” I said breathlessly. My heart raced as I worried I would chase him away with my confession.

“Fuck that. You aren’t making me say or feel anything I don’t want to. You mean the world to me, Stephanie. It sounds insane, but I’ve been crazy about you since the first time we were together. You kept me going while you were a figment of my crazy fucking imagination in that shithole country. You saved me while I was delusional in the hospital after the explosion. I don’t deserve you, but I want you in my life. I’ll be here for you, and I’ll love you and our daughter till I take my last fucking breath. It’s only fair that you know where my head is before we do this.” Motionless, he looked at me, waiting for… what? Possible rejection? He must be crazy.

I wrapped my arms around him, pulling him down to kiss me again.

His lips ignited a fire in me when we connected. It was no soft, gentle kiss. It was a fierce claiming.

In the darkening evening, we explored every inch of each other. We nipped and collided. His strong forearms framed me as his fingers threaded through my hair, anchoring us together.

Reluctantly, he ended the kiss and reached over to his jeans. I heard the crinkle of the condom wrapper and watched him rip it open with his teeth, lift up, and roll it on.

Holy hell, that was hot. Then I stared as he held himself at the base and stroked a couple of times before guiding it to me. His eyes never broke contact with mine as he flicked the tip through my wetness and then plunged to the hilt.

Overcome, I sucked in a hissing breath as he filled me completely.

My entire body tingled and quivered as he slid in and out slowly at first, then gained speed. It wasn’t long before my muscles tensed up in expectation and the telltale pulsing began. Every muscle was tight, and I pulled desperately at the grass before grabbing his ass and raking it with my nails.

I screamed as my climax ripped through me. It sent my soul flying through the air, then floating slowly to the ground before it landed in the incessant throbbing of the finale of my orgasm.

Fine beads of sweat broke out over his forehead and across his chest. After he had prolonged my pleasure until I thought I might truly shatter, he resumed stroking into me in a rhythm as old as time.

“God, Stephanie. You unravel me,” he rasped before his own muscles tensed. With a low groan, his cock thickened and pulsed as it filled the condom. He collapsed over me, wrapping me tightly in his arms, kissing my head and temple reverently.

Our hearts seemed to pound in unison. Nothing about this felt wrong. It was like falling together. Like finding that lost piece of myself.

“WHAT DID YOU MEAN when you said ‘in the hospital after the explosion’?” She was lying with her head pillowed on my bicep and my arms wrapped around her. Lightly, her fingertips ran over my forearm where it rested across her chest.

Fuck, as soon as those words were out of my mouth earlier, I regretted them. I’d never talked about the details of the accident with anyone. I didn’t want her to know exactly how fucked up I was, but I didn’t know how to hide it from her now. When I took a shaky breath, my chest ached.

“It was in Afghanistan before Christmas the year we met. I was riding up front. Mason—Hollywood—was my spotter. He was sitting behind me, with Kamil, our interpreter, sitting behind the driver.” I drifted back to that day, remembering it like it was yesterday.

The Humvee rocked and jolted along the shitty-ass trail they called a road in that godforsaken hellhole known as Afghanistan. We were in a small convoy headed to our rendezvous point, where we would meet up with a trusted informant.

Once there, we would then take that intel and break off to get into position. Our target was a key member of the Taliban. It had begun to feel like a hopeless cause, because it just seemed like when you killed one, another sprouted up to take his place, but I had my mission. There hadn’t been a soul on the road as we traveled, and it gave an unnatural, eerie feel to the land. Everyone was on edge and vigilant, watching for anything that seemed out of place or suspicious.

We were about fifteen clicks out from the rendezvous point when we hit a large rock, causing us to swerve off the road. Suddenly, there was a loud explosion, and I couldn’t hear anything.

We were flying through the air, tumbling over and over. I frantically fought to hold my phone. Even though it was powered down and I wasn’t supposed to have it, my angel’s picture was in it, and I clutched it with a death grip.

It was like the fires of hell rained down on us. Debris in the Humvee was flying around inside like missiles, hitting us repeatedly before working its way out the windows as we tumbled. Something must have busted open, because it splattered across my face and chest.

We came to a jolting stop and my hearing slowly returned, along with a constant ringing sound.

Dazed, I realized we sat at an angle against a bunch of boulders and rocks. Everything was still muffled, but I could hear screaming. It wasn’t long before I realized it was me.

The pain surged and seared through the left side of my body, and I tried to catch my breath. Hearing a moan, I looked over into the baby face of the driver. He was covered in blood. I hated that he looked at me with fear in his young eyes. He mumbled, “Help me, Sarge,” before he coughed, followed by a gurgled sound. When blood ran out of his nose and mouth, I kept saying, “No, no, no, no, no, no, no!” as his sightless eyes bored into me.

His blood was running down until it dripped on my shoulder. I desperately tried to unbuckle, but my left arm wouldn’t work right. Crazed, I twisted slightly in my seat to see the interpreter staring at the roof of the Humvee with his one remaining eye, his head flopped to the side.

Twisting hurt so bad I couldn’t catch my breath. Mason was screaming behind me, but I couldn’t see him.

“Hold on!” I yelled as I shoved my phone back in my vest with my right hand and tried to move to get to him, but the pain was excruciating. At that point, all I could do was pray to my angel and whatever God she served.

It seemed like hours had passed before I heard voices yelling and gunshots exploding around us as bullets pinged off the rocks.

The terrifying thing was I had no idea who was shooting or if the rest of the convoy was safe. The gunshots stopped, and I heard more yelling and boots running in all directions.

It was frustrating as fuck not being able to protect myself with my own damn weapon.

I tried to see outside the Humvee, but something ran in my left eye, burning, and we were tipped to my side of the vehicle. All around us was dust, rock, and dirt.

“SSG Alcott! SGT Johansson! SPC Thompkins! We’re coming in to get you!”

It was getting harder to breathe, and I could barely keep my eyes open….

“The last thing I remember was hearing Mason moan, and I prayed it meant he was alive and would make it. As I lost consciousness, I thought I was dying. I didn’t expect to see anyone ever again. Then I remember briefly regaining consciousness in Germany, but no real details. The next time I was lucid, I was in a hospital room in BAMC, the medical center down in San Antonio. I was wrapped up and wired to so many machines I thought I was in a sci-fi movie. Mason was in a wheelchair dozing next to my bed.” I sighed.

“Both of his lower legs were in some kind of funky casts. He jolted awake and told me I’d suffered multiple fractures to my left arm and three of my left ribs, and my left leg had a rod at the thigh and pins, plates, and screws in the lower part. I found out what I’d thought was mud from the dirt or a busted canteen was actually our blood being splattered around inside the Humvee. They said if we hadn’t hit that rock, we would have all been killed instantly, but it set us off track just enough. He told me I had internal bleeding and for a while they didn’t think I was going to make it. There were many days and nights after that where I wished I hadn’t. If Mason hadn’t found me again after I got out….”

I couldn’t speak anymore. The telling was nearly as draining as the events themselves. “Let’s just say, between Mason and the MC, they pulled me back. Mostly.”

“Is that where this came from?” She tilted her head back to face me and ran a fingertip along the scar on my cheek. In a knee-jerk reaction, I reached up and grabbed her hand, halting its progress. It was a burning reminder for me, and her touching it made me angry inside.

“Yes.”

“I’m sorry,” she whispered.

“No, don’t be sorry for me. There are other people who deserve your pity and empathy. I don’t deserve any of that.”

The stars were beginning to come out, barely visible through the leaves of the trees above us. Lost in my head, I stared up at them. The night was quiet, and I could hear crickets and frogs in the shadows of the lakeshore awakening.

Though I had no idea what time it was, I knew we should probably get going. “I think it’s time for me to take you back.”

“Where do we go from here, Colton?”

“I want to spend time with you and Remi. I want to get to know my daughter. I want us to see where the fuck this goes. Shit, I can’t lie. I want to keep you forever, but there are things you need to know about the life I live before you make a decision.” Kissing the top of her head, I hugged her tight before I reached over and grabbed her clothes to hand to her.

“Do you want to follow me back to my house after you drop me at my SUV? Remi should still be awake. She took a late nap today.” She looked nervous, and I noted her hands shook as she pulled her jeans up over her legs.

It was then that I noticed the bruises on her upper arms.

“Did I do that last night?” It made me sick to my stomach to think I might have hurt her in my insane, lustful frenzy.

She looked at me briefly, apprehension flickering in her eyes, before she seemed to focus intently on buttoning her jeans and pulling on her boots.

I squatted down next to her as she sat on the ground, tugging on her last boot. Gently, I tipped up her chin, forcing her to look at me. Hurting my angel was the last thing I ever wanted, and if I’d done that to her, I needed to know.

“Steph?”

“No, you absolutely did not, but I would rather not talk about it right this minute, okay? So, umm, do you want to go see your little girl?” Her eyes filled with anxiety, and she pulled her bottom lip between her teeth.

I’d get my answers about those bruises later. If she thought I was dropping it, she was nuts. No one treated my angel like that, not as long as there was a breath in my body.

“I would absolutely love to.”

The ride back to my car was as stressful as the ride out to the dock, but for different reasons. Remi was going to meet her daddy. Her daddy was finally going to be in her life. Would he think I’d done a good job with her? Would he have the deep love for her that I did, even though he’d missed the first couple years of her life? The questions ran nonstop through my mind.

The feel of his warm body as I snuggled up to his back had me wishing we had more time before we went to the house. I stroked his abs as my hands slid slowly toward his pecs. Yum.

His hand stopped mine from roaming, and I felt him chuckle.

Shit. We were on the way to unite my baby with her daddy! Could my body not behave for one short ride?

Ugh!

He rolled to a stop next to my SUV, and I carefully slid off his bike and moved to hand his helmet to him. As I did, he grabbed my arm, pulling me closer and capturing my mouth in a deep kiss. The helmet hung loosely from my fingers as he slowly ended the kiss with a smile.

“How do I get to your place, baby? I need to run by the clubhouse first. Then I’ll head over. I’ll only be a few minutes behind you.” He ran his thumb along my bottom lip, and I wanted to grab it between my teeth.

There I go again! I was hopeless.

After I gave him directions, he nodded and winked at me before putting his bike into gear and roaring off with a burst of the throttle. I listened to him work through the gears as he raced off. The rumble of his bike faded as his taillights became specks in the distance.

Giddy, I touched my lips where he’d kissed me and squealed like a schoolgirl. I couldn’t believe it. Things were actually falling into place.

Is this really my life?

As I backed out of the parking spot and pulled up to the stop sign, a pair of headlights appeared behind me. It pulled me out of my musings, and I hoped I hadn’t been sitting long at the stop sign. They probably thought I was an idiot.

As I headed toward home, I called my mom to give her a heads-up.

“Mom? Uh, well, I wanted to let you know Colton is coming over. I wanted to make sure Remi was still awake,” I nervously rattled off.

“Remi is definitely wide awake and waiting for you to get home.”

“Thanks, Mom. I’ll see her soon.” As I slowed for the turn and rolled up my parents’ driveway, I was surprised to see truck headlights turn in after me. I wondered what Sam was doing there again.

I parked and Sam pulled in behind my SUV. When I got out, his headlights blinded me.

Dang, Sam, you ass!

Frustrated, I held my hand over my eyes, waiting for him to get out so I could tell him I had talked to Colton.

The truck door opened, then slammed shut.

“Sam, you don’t have to be pissed anymore. I talked to him.” I lowered my hand in time to be pushed up against the back end of my SUV. My head hit the rear window and bounced off. When my vision cleared, I saw Michael glaring at me with gritted teeth bared in rage.

I tried to scream, but he grabbed tight around my neck with one hand and shook me hard. My head whacked against the window again.

“I cannot believe you! You would barely let me touch you, but you’re all over some nasty-ass biker? I saw how you looked at him when you watched him ride off. You fucking slut! You’re fucking him, I know you are. Don’t even try to deny it! How could you do this to me? To us? I was good to you! But you ran off to this shitty little town to hook up with a dirty-ass biker!” he roared. With spittle flying out of his mouth and his eyes wild and angry, he looked like a crazed maniac.

I was terrified. Where was Colton? I prayed he’d get there soon. I was torn between wanting someone to come out of the house to help me and hoping no one brought Remi out to meet me.

“Michael! What are you doing here? How did you know where I was? I just needed to get away for the weekend. That’s all. I wasn’t running off, honest!” My words were raspy as he continued to hold my throat. Desperate, I clawed at his fingers as I tried to placate him and get him to calm down.

It was possible that he’d really hurt me before anyone even knew I was out there struggling. I had no idea how he had found me. That in itself was terrifying. How long had he been following me?

“I was worried about you walking home late at night after work, so I installed an app on your phone. I only wanted to keep you safe, Steph. You and Remi are so special; I just needed to protect you and watch out for you.”

Holy Jesus, he’s insane! How could he think something like that was okay? He’d stolen my key and tracked my phone. What else had he done?

Finally, I heard the rumble of a motorcycle and saw a headlight come around the curve of the driveway before suddenly skidding to a stop. The bike was still running as Michael’s hands were ripped from my neck and he flew backward.

Shaking and feeling nauseous, I dropped my hands to my knees, taking in ragged breaths. Looking up through the curtain of my hair and the dust billowing from around the bike, I saw a fist connect with Michael’s jaw. He staggered back before catching himself and charging toward my rescuer.

“You sonofabitch! Don’t you ever touch her again!” Colton raged before he grappled with Michael again. They were evenly matched in height, but Michael had insanity behind him. Then again, Colton had sheer power and a fighter’s instinct.

They struggled before they fell to the ground. Colton straddled Michael, hitting him over and over with his fists.

As I ran to stop Colton before he killed him, the front door banged open and my father yelled out to me. Before I could reach them, my dad had scrambled down the front steps and wrapped his strong arms around me.

“No, Dad! I can’t let Colton kill him. He’ll go to jail! I need him! He’s her daddy!” I screamed as I frantically thrashed in my dad’s arms.

My dad sat me on the steps, telling me he’d take care of it and not to move as he ran to grab Colton.

“Son! Stop! My girls need you! Don’t do this!” My dad tackled Colton in a bear hug.

Colton fought the hold, and I prayed he wouldn’t hurt my dad in his blind fury. Something seemed to finally click in his mind, and he stopped struggling, but his chest rose and fell in great heaving breaths. He held his bloodied hands up to my dad to signal he was calm and wouldn’t continue to fight.

My dad and I walked Colton toward the house. Blood dripped from his hands. It was also splattered across his face and chest. Michael was rolling around on the ground, groaning. With shaking hands, I pulled out my phone to call the sheriff. Jesus, I prayed my mom had Remi distracted somewhere.

I’d pulled up the sheriff department on my phone when I heard a truck roar to life. Gravel sprayed as it spun out of the driveway and down the road.

Thank God.

I debated having the sheriff take him in to put the fear of God in him. Except I was pretty sure he’d think twice before messing with me after the beating Colton had given him. Hell, I was surprised he could still drive.

Asshole.

“Son, let Steph get you cleaned up and put some ice on those hands.” My dad looked up at me, giving me a nod to take him inside. Not arguing, I wrapped my arm around Colton’s waist and walked him into the kitchen.

“Baby, I’m fine. I just need to wash my hands. Honestly, I’m okay.” Colton closed his eyes, taking a deep breath before he placed his hands under the cold water I had started. He hissed when the water hit the nicks and cuts on his knuckles, then used some dish soap to scrub the blood from his hands and arms until the water ran clear.

Dad walked in and handed him a clean white T-shirt, then reached out to shake Colton’s hand.

“Son, I owe you a debt of gratitude. I don’t know how to thank you. If my intuition is correct, I would say that was the young man who’s been giving my daughter a hard time.” He turned to me with a questioning look to confirm his statement.

Reluctantly, I nodded.

“I was in the shower, and Stephanie’s mother had Remi watching a movie, so I didn’t even hear anything until your bike pulled up.” My dad looked slightly defeated, and I knew he felt he had failed me.

“Dad, it’s not your fault! I had no idea he was here either. I actually thought it was Sam pulling in behind me or I would have gone straight into the house. Don’t blame yourself.”

I filled plastic zipper bags with ice and wrapped them in a towel. Colton changed out of his leather cut and bloody shirt into the shirt my dad had handed him. My dad’s eyebrows rose when he took in Colton’s tattoos, but I gave him a silencing glare just as Colton’s head was popping through the tee. My dad just smiled and raised his hand in acquiescence to me.

Colton’s eyes stared into mine as I placed the ice on his hands while he rested them on our kitchen table. Something told me we were in for a long, uncomfortable discussion after the night was wrapped up.

Great. Nothing ever went as planned between us. It wasn’t exactly how I’d intended to tell him about Michael.

“Do you still feel up to seeing Remi, or do you want to wait until tomorrow?” I was worried after everything that had happened. What if he hated me for having his daughter around a man like Michael?

“I don’t want to wait. I think I’ve waited long enough.” He pulled a hand from under one of the ice bags to touch my face. His cold fingertips caressed my cheek before he slowly pulled his hand away.

Stepping back, I grabbed his dirty shirt from the floor and gave him a small smile. Quietly, I turned to place it in the washing machine. “I’ll go get her. That is, if you’re sure.”

He raised his eyebrow, his expression saying, What do you think?

Anxious, I went through the hall and up the stairs to my parents’ room, where Remi was contentedly watching an animated movie with my mom.

For a quiet moment, I stood soaking in my precious baby girl. Her silky dark hair hung in fat ringlets against her round, rosy cheeks. Her blue eyes, so like her father’s, reflected the flashing colors of the movie. They seemed wise beyond her young years. It wasn’t long before she realized I stood in the doorway.

“Mommy!” She jumped up to her knees, bouncing on the bed when she saw me. My mother chuckled and paused the movie. Remi stood and walked across the bed with Mom prepared to catch her if she fell. She launched into me and wrapped her little arms around my neck.

“Wemi miss you, Mommy!” She gave me a big kiss.

“Mommy has a big surprise for you, bugga-boo,” I said to her as I smiled at my mom over her shoulder. Gesturing for her to follow, I turned to head back downstairs.

Lordy, I was nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.

Here goes everything….

I MADE SMALL TALK with Stephanie’s dad while she went upstairs. He really cared about his daughter. He struck me as loving but very protective, and I liked him.

It had me wondering if it would be the same with the little raven-haired baby girl I would officially meet soon. Suddenly I was hella nervous.

Fuck. Was I doing the right thing? Was it fair to corrupt them with the fucking ugly blackness that consumed my body and soul?

Would she even want anything to do with me? She’d blithely climbed up into the booth with me earlier, but what about when she found out I was her daddy?

Her daddy. It sounded strange, but I fucking loved it already. Would I be worth a shit as a father? It wasn’t like I had an example to follow. My dad had never been around while I was growing up, having shit-canned my mom when I was a baby. He never contacted us again.

Just as the silence in the kitchen began to border on uncomfortable, I heard footsteps on the stairs. They were followed by the small giggles of what I assumed was my daughter.

My daughter.

Ready or fucking not….

Though I wanted to stand, I couldn’t. My legs were lead weights as I watched them close in on me.

A woman there was no denying was Stephanie’s mother entered the room behind them. I barely registered the brief look of censure she gave me before standing next to Stephanie’s father. My ink and scruffy appearance probably weren’t winning her over. Her father whispered in her mother’s ear, and I watched her expression relax.

Stephanie walked up to me, holding Remi in her arms. I studied her raven ringlets, her clear blue eyes, and her solemn expression as she held several fingers in her mouth. Then she pulled her fingers out, covered in drool. She cracked the biggest grin, revealing two dimples which were miniature version of my own.

Fuck if that didn’t melt my heart. Hell, mine were in full effect as she leaned over quickly, reaching for me.

I pulled her in a tight hug, but I loosened it quickly for fear of scaring her.

“Remi, baby?” Stephanie knelt in front of me and spoke softly to her. “This is your very own daddy.” Her voice wavered as she said, “daddy.”

I damn near started crying as her bright blue eyes turned to me and her chubby hands grasped either side of my face. There was still slobber on her hand, but I didn’t give a shit.

She stared deep in my eyes in such a solemn manner it was unnerving. If the little girl was seeing straight to my soul, I prayed she wouldn’t find it lacking.

“Wemi daddy!” she suddenly exclaimed. I had no fucking clue if she understood what hearing her say “daddy” did to my galloping heart.

Keeping the smile off my face was impossible. It was in danger of cracking in fucking two, my smile was so big. My heart swelled with love for a child I’d never held before that moment.

Stunned, I realized I was a motherfucking father. I’d had a part in creating that beautiful, precious little princess.

Fucking hell. I was a goner already.

“Thank you, Stephanie. Thank you for this gift. You have no idea…. Thank you for taking such good care of my princess when I wasn’t there to do it. She’s beautiful.”

Stephanie continued to kneel at my feet with tears silently streaming down her face.

I had no idea when her parents had left the room, but I was thankful for the minimal audience as tears broke free from my eyes. I swiped at them quickly.

Fuck, I was getting soft.

We spent the next hour sitting in the living room surrounded by the soft glow of a floor lamp while Remi showed me all her toys and treasures.

My face fucking flamed when she stuck a small silver plastic tiara on my head, looking so proud of herself. Stephanie burst out laughing, quickly covering her outburst with a hand, but she couldn’t hide the laughing twinkle in her eyes.

Little shit. I’d get her for that later.

“Daddy princess!” Remi announced.

Holy shit.

Who the fuck would have thought Colton Alcott, former sniper, current big bad biker, would be sitting there with a plastic tiara on his head? All while a gorgeous blonde giggled and a raven-haired princess glowed.

And I was fucking loving it.

Colton had been so sweet and tolerant with Remi. It was amazing to watch them together. It was bittersweet seeing how well they connected despite the time they had missed.

There was little I could think of that was better than knowing they were finally able to be together. I wondered what the future held, and I prayed he didn’t break her heart… or mine.

I wasn’t simply falling for this man, I was afraid I already loved him. Absolutely and irrevocably. We didn’t really know each other, so maybe it was a little crazy, but looking at him, my heart was warm and full. When I saw him with our baby girl, I thought it might burst.

Remi climbed in his lap and began petting his short beard, making him smile. Remi’s eyes appeared heavy, and she snuggled closer to his chest as if listening to his heartbeat. While she was curled into him, she fisted his shirt in her little hand and began to drift off to sleep.

He held her close and slowly ran his fingers through her dark curls and across her little cheek. Closing his eyes, he rested his scarred cheek on top of her head.

“Do you want to help me put her to bed?” I whispered.

His gorgeous blue eyes met mine and his dimples flashed, causing my stomach to flutter.

Slowly, he stood with his precious bundle. I led the way to the stairs, listening to the familiar creak of the steps from his weight as he followed me to the top. When we reached the top, I turned into my room and motioned to the Pack ’n Play set up in the corner.

After he laid her, ever so gently, in her bed and covered her with her fuzzy pink blanket, he turned to me. Silently, he gathered me in his arms. Relieved, I laid my head on his shoulder and wrapped my arms around his waist.

One hand rested on my head, cradling it to him as he placed the other on my hip. The domestic quality of the moment was not lost on me, and I fought the silly tears that struggled to escape.

If only we could’ve stayed like that forever. If I died tomorrow, I’d die a happy woman.

“Thank you again for tonight, Stephanie. I cannot even begin to tell you what this means to me. I’ve been alone for so fucking long. To be blessed with this precious gift? You have no fucking idea. When I think of all the other possibilities you could’ve chosen after finding out you were pregnant, my heart aches. I want to kneel at your feet and fucking worship you, and yet I’m sure even that wouldn’t be enough,” he whispered.

I reached up and kissed him softly, letting it linger until our lips merely feathered against each other. Then I took a deep breath, stepped back, and grabbed his hand to lead him back down the stairs.

Quietly, he walked to the door. We went out onto the porch, my hand still held securely in his. He stopped at the top of the porch steps, staring at the stars scattered brightly across the dark night sky.

“God, I want to stay with you tonight, Stephanie. But I’d never disrespect your parents’ home like that.” He swallowed hard. “When do you plan to leave? I need to see you both again. Fuck, I don’t want you to leave at all, especially with that asshole out there. We need to talk about our future. God, you’re both an addiction in my veins already.” The moonlight reflected in his eyes when he turned to face me.

Pressing my lips together, I bit them between my teeth. Hell, I didn’t want to leave either, but I had a job and a life that weren’t… well, they weren’t… there.

What I needed to do was think about my options and decide what would be feasible and best for us. Plus, I still had the situation with Michael to deal with. I cursed the day he’d moved in down the hall.

“I really need to head back tomorrow afternoon. Would you like to have an early lunch? If that’s okay, we can talk then.” My exhaustion sank in as I looked over to where I’d been assaulted by Michael and rescued by Colton.

Jesus, it’d been a long damn day.

“Yes. What time and where? Do you want me to pick you up, or do you want me to meet you somewhere?” He placed soft kisses to the top of my head as he spoke.

“Well, considering I don’t think both Remi and I will fit on your bike with you, how about we meet you at eleven at the café downtown?” I said with a smirk.

“I do have a truck, you know. But I’ll meet you since I don’t have a car seat for Remi yet.” He chuckled.

Dang, I loved the sound of him having a car seat in his vehicle for Remi. Silly, I knew.

He lifted my chin gently and kissed me softly.

“Go get some sleep. I’ll see you two tomorrow.”

He walked to his bike, climbed on, and started it up. I loved the rumble of his exhaust.

He intentionally didn’t rev his motor. Instead, he slowly eased onto the throttle, trying to be as quiet as he could. For the second time that night, I watched his taillights disappear.

Someday, God willing, I wouldn’t be watching him drive off at the end of a night together. Rather, I’d be snuggling up in the same bed.

The next morning, over coffee and breakfast, my mom and dad approached me with an offer that would change the direction of all of our lives.

FIRST THING IN THE morning, I was knocking on Hacker’s door. Déjà vu.

Except I prayed it wouldn’t end the same way it did last time, ’cause fucking A, he could pack a punch. Also, I needed his help finding this Michael motherfucker. He was going to regret laying his hands on Stephanie like he had.

She may have thought I was letting this lie, but that was the farthest thing from the truth. I couldn’t stand a man who abused a woman, but he really fucked up when he hurt my woman.

Hacker answered the door in his boxers again, a wry look on his face.

“Reaper, man, we gotta quit meeting like this. Do you have something against a motherfucker getting some sleep?” Hacker ran a hand through his hair and briskly rubbed his face.

“Fuck, bro, put on some damn clothes. I need your help.” I brushed past him, dropping down in his recliner.

“Oh, sure. Come on in, make yourself at home. Shit. Fuck you. What if I had company? You’re damn lucky I didn’t answer buck-ass naked, you fuck.” He walked back over to his bed, flopping down and pulling a pillow over his face.

“Man, what the fuck ever.” I laughed. I’d never known that fucker to keep a bitch overnight. He fucked them, then kicked their ass out. No cuddling, no pillow talk, just wham, bam, thank you, ma’am.

“I need your help tracking down some crazy fucker who’s stalking Stephanie.” My humor ended with the announcement.

At those words, he sat straight up, the pillow falling to the side. “The fuck?”

“Yeah. I don’t know exactly what happened, but she had damn bruises on her arms, and he showed up at her parents’ last night. He’d slammed her against her SUV when I pulled up. I swear to fucking Christ, if her dad hadn’t stopped me, I would’ve fucking killed him then and there. I put a beating on him, but he hauled ass before I could go back out to finish him off. I’m glad she didn’t call the cops though, because that would have just complicated things when I find this motherfucker, you know?” I could feel my rage building just talking about that piece of shit. It took conscious effort to unclench my fists.

“Dude, you can’t just go after this guy like that. And you know if Snow finds out I helped you find him, I’m a dead man too. You have to bring it to the table, bro. You need to think of the potential blowback on the club if you do this. I’m not saying I don’t want to help you or that I don’t want to beat him within an inch of his life too, but, man, we gotta be smart about this.”

Though I knew Hacker was right, it sure as shit wasn’t what I wanted to hear.

“I’m worried as hell about her, man. She’s going back to Des Moines today, and I can’t be there to protect her. I have obligations to the club right now. It feels like I’m being torn in two.” Frustrated, I leaned forward in the chair, holding my head in my hands as I tried to calm the fuck down. I wanted to punch someone. I’d never once regretted my obligations to the club, but I’d never felt like I did about Stephanie before either.

“I get it, bro. Totally. I told you, she’s like my little sister. Let’s talk to Snow and see if he has any ideas or thoughts, okay? If he says we have the go-ahead, I’ll do what you need. Anything.”

When I stood, I clasped his hand, then gave him a rough hug and pat on the back. “Thanks, man. Now put some fucking clothes on. Shit, I think your dick just touched me.”

Laughing, I walked out of the room. Damn, I was looking forward to seeing Stephanie at lunch.

While I waited for Snow to show up at the clubhouse, I decided to take a shower to get ready.

Remi and I were early, and she was busy coloring on the paper placemat. When Colton walked in, causing the little bell at the top of the door to jingle. I looked up. He scanned the room until his gaze landed on us.

His hair still looked wet, like he’d barely stepped out of the shower. The thought of him naked with hot water streaming down his body had my cheeks flushing and my girly parts tingling.

Bad, bad, bad girl….

I wasn’t sure how he was going to take my news, but I hoped he’d be supportive and happy for me. When he stopped at the edge of the table and leaned down to kiss me and then Remi, I smiled.

“My two favorite girls.” He slid into the booth across from me and reached for my hand, raising it to his lips. The man was more than I could stand sometimes. He had a sweet side despite the shit he’d been through.

Nervously, I said, “So, I have some news to discuss with you, and I’m not sure how you’re going to feel about it all.”

He looked at me with some trepidation in his eyes.

“Okay. I’m listening.” His face was an expressionless mask.

“So… I have an opportunity.” I cleared my throat and blurted the rest of my news out before I lost my nerve. “I’m going to buy the Oasis. I’m moving home.”

As I sat trying to gauge his reaction, my heart lodged in my throat, and my teeth worried my bottom lip. Would he really want us around?

“Are you fucking kidding me? Don’t fuck with me, Stephanie. I mean it, I don’t think my sanity could handle it if you told me this was a joke.” His face remained impassive, but surely his response meant he was okay with this.

“I’m serious. Are you mad? I don’t want us to cramp your style. Nor do I want you thinking I’m trying to be up your ass.”

“Jesus, Stephanie. No way! Shit, do you have any idea how happy this makes me? Being able to see the two of you every day if I want? Damn, baby, I’m over the moon right now.” It made me get all gushy inside when he called me baby. His face lit up with the sexy smile that I’d come to love, complete with dimples.

My heart thudded in relief, and I smiled back at him.

“There are a few things that I need to talk to you about though. I need to go into work tomorrow so I can turn in my two-week notice, and I need to pack. My parents want me to leave Remi here with them. For several reasons, I agree. While I’ll really miss having her with me—I mean, I’ve never been away from her—I think it would give you an opportunity to spend quality time with her. What do you think?” We were never going to get those years back, but it was important for him to be able to have some one-on-one time with her.

“Hell yeah, I’d love to be able to spend time with her, but can’t you just call them and tell them you’re not coming back? If so, I can see if I can leave for a couple of days to help you pack and bring your stuff home. I don’t like the thought of you going back alone with that stupid fuck still hanging around.” He looked frustrated, and his fingers rapidly tapped the table. Truth be told, I didn’t even really know him, but it sure was good to have someone who wanted to protect me.

“Reaper, I don’t think I’ll need to worry about Michael after the ‘come to Jesus meeting’ you had between your fist and his face.” I was pretty sure Michael wouldn’t be bothering me anymore. Granted, I wasn’t looking forward to the thought of possibly running into him in the halls, but I didn’t think he was a worry now. “I’ll be back the weekend after next.”

“I don’t fucking like it. I’d like you to check in with me when you leave your place and then when you get home and have your door locked. I’m not trying to control you, baby, but I’m really worried about you going alone. It also might be a good idea to have Hacker set up his tracking system on your phone.” He still didn’t look happy, and I appreciated his concern, but for a second, my hackles rose when it seemed he was dictating my checking in with him.

The thought of having a tracker on my phone almost sent me into panic mode. After I’d searched through my phone and found the app Michael had buried in a folder, I’d been sick. But when I put myself in Colton’s place, I understood his concerns.

We made the decision to drop the subject for the time being and enjoy our lunch. Remi had been absorbed in her coloring.

“Remi, do you want chicken or grilled cheese?”

At my question, she looked up from her task. “Chicky!” Then she insisted, “Daddy! I sit wiff Daddy!”

The rest of lunch consisted of Remi trying to “share” her food with Daddy and stealing his fries with a giggle every time he acted surprised that she’d taken another one.

Watching them interact warmed my heart. The physical similarities were uncanny. It was easy to imagine what Colton had looked like as a small boy.

“So why Remi, anyway?” he asked suddenly, surprising me.

At the sound of her name, Remi looked up at him and smiled with her face stuffed full of fries. We both laughed at her comical expression.

“You mean, why did I choose the name Remi?” He nodded. “Well, it’s kind of silly, I guess, but her daddy was Colton, and it was like a Colt pistol, so her name is Remington Katherine. Remi for short. Remington because it was another brand of firearm. Am I sounding crazy?”

I began to blush and fidget. At the time, it’d made total sense to me. Maybe to him it seemed a little odd.

He was quiet for several minutes. I looked up to see his reaction to my crazy rationale. He appeared slightly taken aback.

“So, you named her after me,” he said in a quiet voice.

“Well, yeah. I didn’t have your last name or I would’ve given it to her. So that was the most creative thing I could think of. It sounds a little weird now, but it made sense at the time, and I liked the name.” Fretfully, I twisted my fork in my hand. I hoped he didn’t think it was stupid.

“Thank you. Every time we talk, I find more and more things you do that blow me away. You really are an amazing woman.” He paused. “I don’t deserve either of you, you know? I’m a real mess inside. I’m not the same guy you met back then, and I probably wasn’t completely sane back then either. I’ve kil—I’ve done things,” he whispered so Remi wouldn’t hear, “and I would do it again to keep my brothers, sisters, and my country safe. But you’ve made me selfish. I want you and Remi in my life; I just don’t know how it’ll all work out.”

To hear him voice aloud the fact that he’d ended people’s lives was a bit of a shock, despite knowing he’d deployed as a sniper. His expression told me he truly believed he didn’t deserve us.

I pushed my plate to the side and grasped his hands firmly in mine.

“Stop. You do deserve her. Everyone deserves to be loved and cared about. You can act all hard and tough, but you really are a good man. Don’t sell yourself short. She adores you, and she just met you. I’ve been stuck on you for years because of how good you were to me that night. You could’ve told us to get lost, but you’ve embraced her like you’ve been there since day one. Now, change of subject but speaking of names… what’s up with ‘Reaper’ anyway? Why do they call you that?”

Maybe I’d stepped out of line with my question. His face went flat momentarily before he met my eyes and tried to play it off as nonchalantly as he could.

“It was Hollywood—Mason—he told the guys in the MC that I was a sniper. So for a little while, they called me One Shot for… uh, well, then they switched to Reaper when I began to officially prospect.” He looked down at the table and my hands resting on his. “Anyway, it stuck.”

“It’s kind of sexy.” I wiggled my eyebrows in an exaggerated attempt to lift the mood and neutralize the somberness weighing heavily at the table.

He smirked and laughed as he shook his head at my ridiculous attempt at humor. The deep sound of his laughter and the brilliance of his smile did things to me. If I had my way, he’d smile and laugh 24-7.

It was time for me to head back to the house and prepare for my trip back to Des Moines, but I was loath to leave Remi and him behind. I told myself it was only two weeks; I could do this.

In the end, I did break down and agree to let Erik set my phone up. I told him I’d meet him at the MC’s clubhouse on my way out of town to pick it up.

HACKER HAD THE PHONE ready for me in record time. Snow had agreed to the resources used for the phone after I told him about Stephanie and Remi and where I hoped things were going.

Hacker was fucking good at his job, and it amazed me how a guy who had been such a jock in high school could be such a brainiac computer nerd. He was truly indispensable with all the technical shit he did for the MC. If he couldn’t find the software or hardware for something we needed, he fucking created the shit. The man was a fucking genius, and I loved him. Next to Hollywood, he was probably my best friend. Part of it was that he’d had a rough deployment when he was in the marines, so he, Hollywood, and I simply got each other.

Joker knocked on the open doorframe. “There’s a blonde chick named Steph claiming to be here for you.”

Despite possibly looking like a pussy, I couldn’t hold back my grin. Jesus, I was so fucked. I couldn’t even hear her name without smiling like a fucking idiot. By the way Hacker was laughing at me, I could only imagine he saw it too.

“Fuck you,” I said to him with the smile still plastered on my face, then followed Joker out to greet Steph and bring her back. There was a rule in the MC that no bitches or old ladies were allowed in the clubhouse without the escort of a patched member. The only exception was if the member had to conduct business or was otherwise called away, a prospect could be placed as a guard, of sorts, if she wasn’t escorted by her old man.

Club whores and the sluts, or “party girls,” who specifically came to the parties to brag about fucking a biker were the only exception. But those women all understood they were making themselves available to any member who took an interest. We had a strict rule that the specifics of the acts be consensual though. We didn’t condone rape, specific nonconsensual sex acts, or underage girls. Period. No exceptions. Ever.

When I arrived at the office at the front of the garage, Stephanie was looking around at the framed pictures of classic bikes, cars, and trucks we had either restored or customized. A burst of pride filled me knowing several of the pictures were personal pet projects of mine. My favorite was a deep red ’67 Camaro we’d restored for some rich fucker down in Florida. Damn, that was a sexy-ass car.

Not as sexy as the blonde standing there admiring the pictures though. My fucking smile got downright lecherous at the thoughts of everything I wanted to do to her.

When I slid my hands slowly around her hips, drawing her back into my stiffening cock, she placed her hands on mine and looked over her shoulder.

Those eyes. Fuck, they slayed me every time. I couldn’t resist biting down at the juncture of her neck and shoulder. When she squealed and spun away laughing, I had to force myself not to throw her over my shoulder caveman style and haul her back to my room.

“Come on, baby, let’s go see what Hacker has for you.” I took her hand, leading her past the guys working on various bikes and cars and through the door at the end of the shop, which entered into the clubhouse. “Stay with me and hold my hand. Sorry if you see anything that’s too shocking, but it’s midday, so the guys should mostly be busy working unless they’re taking a late ‘lunch.’ Okay?”

She nodded and held tight to my hand, eyes wide. I laughed at her innocent, uncertain expression as we headed into the gloom of the clubhouse bar.

Someone had an old Nirvana song playing in the background, likely Cammie. She loved the 90s grunge rock.

The smell of stale cigarette smoke, cheap perfume, and sex lingered as we walked through the main area and wove through tables scattered around the pool table at the center of the room. I knew Stephanie was trying not to gawk or look around too much. But I also knew it was hard not to notice Dice sitting in the corner with his hand resting on a brunette’s head as it bobbed between his legs.

Like I said, late “lunch” and dessert. I laughed to myself. Never did understand the guys wanting to do that shit out in the open, but to each their fucking own.

We were getting ready to head past the bar and into the hall when I saw Cammie give me a warning look and a tip of her head. Too late, I saw a bleached platinum blonde in a short red T-shirt that must have been three sizes too small. Her cutoff shorts were so short they left half her ass hanging out. She headed straight out of the hall and flattened up against me, running her bright red nails along my chest.

Well, fuck.

My free hand stopped the progression of Gretchen’s as she began to trail it lower, and I pushed her out of my personal space. Stephanie tensed next to me, and I didn’t blame her ass one bit. It didn’t look too fucking great on my part, even though I knew Gretchen was trying to stir the shit. Fucking bitch. She was beginning to piss me the fuck off.

“Hey, baby,” she cooed, and I saw her eyes flick briefly over to Stephanie, “I’ve been waiting for you. What took you so long?”

Oh fuck no, she didn’t. Stephanie tried to pull out of my grip, but I held tight, bringing her up against me and wrapping my arm around her.

“That’s funny, Gretchen, because I’ve been here working with Hacker and just went up to get Stephanie after she arrived. I’m sure you have someone, uh, I mean something to do. Bye.”

Her eyes narrowed, and her lip curled slightly.

Ignoring her, I pulled Stephanie along as I brushed past Gretchen, pushing her out of the way with my shoulder when she refused to budge to let us pass.

Dammit, I was going to have to set that bitch straight so she finally got it, or she could pack her shit and hit the fucking road. I wasn’t going to put up with her bullshit anymore. She was always trying to cause trouble. I didn’t bother introducing the two of them, because Gretchen wasn’t even close to being in the same class as Stephanie.

“Who the hell was that?” Stephanie demanded as she dug in her heels and crossed her arms over her chest when we reached Hacker’s door. She glared at me and tapped her foot. Fuck, I didn’t want to deal with this shit now. Gretchen wasn’t important, and I didn’t want to waste a second explaining exactly how unimportant she was.

“Are you sleeping with her? Please tell me you didn’t bring me here where you keep your floozies. I know what we have is tenuous at this point, but I’d really hope you wouldn’t be fucking someone else. Please tell me I’m wrong, Reaper.” She looked to be getting redder in the face with each passing second.

“No! Hell no! I haven’t touched a single fucking soul besides you since the night of Mama’s birthday bash. Please give me some credit. Jesus. You know I wasn’t celibate before we found each other again, but there hasn’t been anyone but you since then, for fuck’s sake. That bitch doesn’t seem to know her place lately, but I’m going to make sure it’s crystal clear for her. That I can promise you. I don’t want anyone but you.” I cupped the side of her face and brushed my thumb along her bottom lip. I needed her to understand that she was it for me. She would be it for me forever.

She looked slightly mollified as I knocked on Hacker’s door. He answered and enveloped her in a big bear hug. The possessive fucker in me experienced a moment’s jealousy. Good thing the rational side knew they were only friends and Hacker’s feelings for her were strictly brotherly.

He explained the tracking program to her and the safety features he’d embedded in it as I sat in the recliner. It was a bit of a relief when she took it all in stride. It was the next best thing to me being able to protect her.

“Sam and Sean are coming down next Thursday night to help me load everything up, so we’ll head back no later than Sunday morning. I’ll be down there alone for less than two weeks. Not to mention I have Pam and her husband down the hall and my friends at work. I’ll do my best not to be alone outside my apartment, okay? And if I have to, I’ll keep my phone in my damn bra so it’s always on me. Does that make you feel better, Reaper?” Something in my expression must have told her that it didn’t, because she added, “Trust me, babe, I want to come back to you and Remi just as bad as you want me safe.”

Though I knew she was hoping to reassure me, until she was back here permanently where I could protect her, it wasn’t working. She sat in my lap and feathered her fingers through my hair.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t discuss club business with her, but if everything went well, I’d be in Des Moines soon. The club could even escort her back if she was ready to leave by Saturday night. I made a mental note to discuss it with her brother to ensure that was possible. I didn’t mention it to her, mostly because I wasn’t sure what the threshold of her tolerance was in regards to my interference in her personal life. Our relationship was new and still fragile.

“Yeah, okay. But I’d still feel better if I was with you.” I held her close, feeling the silky strands of her curls tickling my nose. She smelled like sunshine and flowers, but felt even better held close to me.

I only wanted her safe. She was the mother of my child and I cared deeply for her.

When it came to her safety? I wasn’t fucking taking chances.

If I was honest, I had to admit having knowledge of a tracking device on my phone was different than one being applied to it without me knowing. There was a level of relief after Erik—I still had a really hard time calling him Hacker—showed me the safety features he’d created for me.

Still, I was certain there’d be no issues with Michael. I also knew I could count on my friends, and Pam, to be my safety net while I was there. Speaking of Pam, I’d really miss her, and I knew she’d miss Remi. She’d understand after I explained everything to her.

After we left Hacker’s room and his multitude of computer screens and laptops, Reaper leaned against a door, two up from Hacker’s, and pulled me close to him. He reached behind his back, opening the door and backing into the room with me.

As soon as the door was closed, he pressed me against it. Holding my hands over my head, he placed his lips against mine in a wild and desperate kiss. Our tongues battled for dominance as our teeth nipped each other’s lips and our tongues followed to soothe the bruised flesh.

He broke away to trail kisses and bites down the side of my neck. Sensually, he pulled my tank top strap over my shoulder with his teeth, then ran his tongue along the top of my bra. Each pass had him pushing under the edge, reaching for more and more of my breast.

It wasn’t long before I was panting like a wild animal. Though I tried to move my hands down to touch him, he held them tighter, whispering, “No.” His breath tickled the tops of my breasts.

In an animalistic attempt to gain freedom and get him closer to me, I moaned and writhed against his erection. I wanted him with a frantic desperation, needing him deep inside me.

He let go of my hands to grab my ass, lifting me so I could wrap my legs around his waist. The movement pressed my wet core against his cock. The friction of the double layer of seams between us bordered on painful pleasure as it pressed against my clit with each thrust.

Despite a desperate attempt to hold back my release, Colton seemed to sense it and gripped my ass tightly. Relentless, he ground into my mound until I was sure my wetness had seeped through and he knew how incredibly turned on I was.

“Don’t hold back on me,” he whispered against my lips. “Give it to me. Come for me.” He kissed me deeply, swallowing my moans and screams as I did exactly that.

Every orgasm with him left me feeling shattered, my body speaking to his without words. As my nerves reconstructed after the initial explosion, I drifted back to consciousness, centered in the pulsing between my legs.

Full of need despite my release, I gasped against his lips, “I need you, Reaper. Now. Please.” I was agitated and deprived. More than anything, I wanted him to lay me on the bed and fuck me like crazy. “Please don’t make me wait.”

He fisted his hands in my hair, tipping my head back. “Colton. Call me Colton when we’re alone. Let me pretend for these few stolen moments that I’m the man you knew before. Now, tell me what you want.” Intent, he stared me down.

The need to make him understand my feelings had me grasping the sides of his face. Gently, I caressed his skin. My fingers rasped through the short hairs of his beard. Intrigued, I used my thumb to gently trace the scar that ran from near his eye, through his beard, to his jaw. When he cringed as I did so, I reached up and kissed it.

“Colton, I want you to take me. Now. I want to take off your clothes and touch you. I want to worship you and have you worship me. Please. I need this.”

A groan escaped him as he squeezed his eyes tightly shut, held me close to him, and turned toward the bed. He laid me down, climbing over me and straddling me as he slipped off his cut, then grabbed the back of his shirt, jerking it over his head.

I couldn’t stop my hands from grazing his abs as he revealed them. Mesmerizing his contours, I traced over his tats and realized there were scars buried carefully within the intricate designs. As he sat still, barely breathing, I lightly ran my fingertips along them.

Becoming bold, I unbuttoned and unzipped his jeans, freeing the end of his cock. Pressing forward, I pushed down on the waistband to fully release him.

The man was beautiful. A dark angel looking down on me. So beautiful he made my heart hurt, yet I could see in his eyes that he saw himself as unworthy. It dumbfounded me. Not only was he a work of art to gaze upon, but he cared deeply and had a good heart. Evidenced by his insistence to keep me safe.

“I can’t believe someone like you is interested in me this way,” I murmured. Before he could respond, I curled my hands on the back of his thighs.

Leaning forward, I allowed my tongue to travel from the base along the silky skin of his shaft. When I reached the top of his cock, I captured the clear bead of moisture that was gathering at the tip and suckled it off.

He inhaled a hissing breath through clenched teeth. Due to the angle, I couldn’t take him in as deep as I wanted, and frustration built.

A whimper of protest escaped me when he pulled back and stood to remove his jeans. Within seconds he stood gloriously naked, then quickly unfastened my shorts and pulled them off. He jerked my tank top over my head and unclasped my bra, pulling it off my arms and tossing it to the side. Kneeling, he ran his large, calloused hands up the outside of my legs, curving over the tops and along the tender, sensitive skin at my inner thighs.

Every smooth stroke drove me higher and higher. Body strung tight, I grasped at the blanket, kneading it into a rumpled mess.

Warm breath skated over my skin. Without warning, he bit down on my clit and then my lips through my panties. Briefly, he sucked on the damp center before pulling them off and dropping them to the floor. The vibrations that shot through me had my back arching when he returned to circle my clit with the tip of his tongue. As if that wasn’t driving me over the edge enough, he flattened it, firmly circling again before dipping down into my liquid heat.

My chest fluttered so hard I thought it would burst from the incredibly erotic sensations he triggered. His tongue glided in, out, and around, never stopping, even as the pressure of another orgasm began to crescendo.

Bold, blinding light flashed as my body tensed and quivered. The powerful climax pulsed and burst through me, causing me to scream and thrash as he held me in place. Relentless, he tortured my overly sensitive body with nearly unbearable pleasure.

Lost in bliss, I grasped the longer hair at the top of his head, pulling without thought.

Panting gasps escaped me as my breasts heaved with each ragged breath I took.

Finally, I was capable of opening my eyes to see him rolling a condom over his thick shaft. As he crawled up the length of my body, his encased erection teased me from my ankle up my leg before it rested, still and heavy, between my thighs.

Impatient, I reached down to guide him inside me, but he grabbed my hands and held them to the side of my head. Our fingers entwined, he rested the majority of his weight on his elbows. The broad tip of his cock probed my wet folds, teasing me until I was squirming and pulling at him with my legs.

My heels dug into his tight ass, trying to bring him home. Still he resisted, smiling a shit-eating grin at me because he knew the agony he was causing. My body was strung taut, and I wanted him sheathed within me so bad I growled in frustration.

He left me rabid and animalistic. Completely out of control, I thrust up against him.

“Tell me exactly what you want. Tell me what you want me to do to you and how you want me to do it. Let me hear the words or I won’t go any further.”

“I’m going to strangle you after this is over. I swear I am.”

“Tell me.” He chuckled as he continued to tease me. He was making me crazy. Certifiably insane. Like a raving addict fiending for my next fix. Was it possible to have an addiction to someone’s cock and the sex that accompanied it? Because if so, I was hooked, and I wasn’t interested in rehab.

“I want you. Now. I want you inside me. I want you to fuck me. Hard. Deep. Bury yourself deep in my pussy over and over until you fill me with your come. Make me feel you inside me for the next two weeks.” Two could play at this game.

A smirk curled my lips. How do you like those bad apples, Mr. Sex-on-a-stick?

Evidently, he wasn’t quite expecting that response. His eyes flashed wide before he closed them tight and plunged so deep and fast into me that his balls hit my ass. He reached down, grasping my legs and raising them over his shoulders to provide a better angle, and lurched into me in a mad but steady rhythm.

The wetness and the sound of skin against skin rang out with every stroke. Who would’ve thought that could be the strongest aphrodisiac?

In sensory overload, another orgasm began building. Deep in my heart, I knew it would be more intense than ever before.

When it hit, it was like blinding light and pure silence. Everything disappeared as I clenched and tightened around him. Every muscle in my body responded to the overwhelming pleasure he’d unleashed upon my soul. It hit me like a crashing wave, knocking me senseless.

As sight and sound slowly returned, I was reduced to a satiated puddle. His pace quickened and his strokes shortened as his breathing became more ragged and labored.

By then, his hair and skin were soaked in sweat, and knowing how he had reached that state gave me a sense of elated power. Knowing I could cause his loss of control like that allowed me the boldness to free my hands from his to grab his hips. As I tightened my calves around his neck and shoulders, my inner muscles clenched around his cock in anticipation.

Without warning, another orgasm blindsided me. Through my haze, I watched as he lost the battle with the last shred of his restraint and threw back his head. One last thrust and a primitive roar escaped him as he throbbed in time with my lingering pleasure.

“Fuck. Fuck. Shit. Fuck.” He collapsed on me in a sweating, heaving heap. Lazily, he kissed my breasts, my neck, my shoulder, anywhere he could reach before falling to the side and pulling me with him.

Thick, strong arms held me tight. With his chin resting on the top of my head, my ear lay over his racing heart, our legs a tangled web of limbs.

“Jesus Christ, Stephanie. That was incredible, and I can honestly say I’ve never felt anything like it in my fucking life. I don’t know what you do to me, or what magic your body possesses, but I’ll take it every chance I can. Fucking hell.” He was out of breath, and I was deeply satisfied and blissful, like nothing in the world could harm me or ruin that feeling.

Heavy with exhaustion, we dozed off.

I woke to his startled jerk. Lifting up, he scanned the room with wild eyes before they settled on me. Slowly, they cleared so he could focus on me. I stroked his chest and kissed his shoulder.

When my lips slid across the bunched muscle, he nudged my face up. Reverently, he kissed me on my swollen and bruised lips.

I rested my forehead against his as we clung to each other, but I knew I couldn’t postpone leaving any longer. As it was, it would be late by the time I arrived at my apartment. Except I wouldn’t have traded a minute of this time together, and you wouldn’t hear a peep of a complaint out of me.

“I don’t want to go, but I need to get on the road,” I finally whispered.

His response was to hold me tighter, and I knew he didn’t want to let me go either. He must’ve finally obtained the resolution he needed to release me, as his arms loosened and he lay on his back, staring at the ceiling.

“Do you care if I use your shower?” I asked, spying a bathroom ahead of me. He waved a hand as if saying “be my guest” but didn’t meet my eyes.

Heart breaking, I sat up and gathered my clothes. Even though I knew he was trying to hold it together as hard as I was, it hurt to think of leaving him so soon after finding him again.

Knowing he needed his moment too, I closed the bathroom door and flipped on the hot water.

LETTING HER GO AGAIN nearly fucking killed me.

I wished I’d told her the depth of my feelings before she’d left. Instead, I’d held her and kissed her, keeping my words sealed inside like the damn coward I was.

Not that I hadn’t told her I loved her before, but I hadn’t asked her to stay or told her I needed her to stay. Because I’d known, if I opened my mouth, I would’ve surrendered the last scrap of my man-card. I’d have begged her on my knees not to leave me, and the tears that burned the backs of my eyes would’ve escaped.

I’d have been branded a weak, fucking sappy-ass fool.

Then again, maybe that wouldn’t have been so bad.

Dammit, I should’ve put my foot down and had someone else pack her stuff and bring it up.

Instead, I’d stood there and watched her drive off in silence.

I needed to get a fucking grip. I’d promised her I would go see my baby girl. She was sure it would be difficult for Remi without her momma, and she made me promise to go over to her and take her with me to spend time together.

Honestly, I’d do anything for my girls.

That thought had me smiling despite the ache of loneliness I experienced knowing she was traveling farther and farther from me with each passing second. Using deep breathing, I fought off the panic attack trying to sneak into the edges of my consciousness.

With another deep breath, I focused on the image burned in my brain of her expression as she reached her last orgasm. Seeing that look, and doing everything to accomplish it, became my goal and grounding rod.

Like a mantra, I told myself repeatedly that I wasn’t alone anymore. She’d be back, I had my brothers… and I had my daughter. Slowly, the waves of panic receded like the tide going out.

Hollywood walked up behind me, causing me to jump slightly before I hid it behind rubbing my hands over my face and through my hair.

“Hey, man, you okay?” he asked me in a low tone.

“Yeah, bro, I’m good. I’m just really worried about her, and it’s just giving me a really bad feeling. It’s probably nothing, but I can’t shake it.” I shook my head and stuffed my hands in my pockets.

“Your instincts are pretty finely tuned, bro, but I think it’s probably just the thought of her being so far away and that dickhole being out there. Things will be fine, and these next couple of weeks will go by faster than you think. Hacker hooked up her phone, right?” I nodded. “All right, then, don’t worry, man. She knows what to do if anything goes to shit. Oh, and by the way, I didn’t know you could put on such a show.” He gave a wicked grin and laughed as he took off running before I could catch him and beat his smart ass.

Little fucker. In truth, I really didn’t give a rat’s ass if every brother heard me fucking her. Let them all know I was claiming her and they could keep their hands and eyes off her.

I shook my head and began laughing myself.

Then I grinned.

I needed to go shopping; my baby girl needed a car seat.

THE TRIP BACK WAS way too long and boring as hell, resulting in too much time to think. I began to question the sanity of leaving my bugga-boo behind and leaving my job and apartment all to chase the dream of owning my own place. Sure, I knew the Oasis had the history of being a steady business, but was I really cut out to be a bar owner? Would the improvements I had in mind chase away customers who were loyal to Mama Jean? Would they be resistant to change? If so, I’d lose my parents’ investment.

It was a big stressor, weighing heavy on my shoulders.

My dad and brothers had offered to help with the remodeling I had in mind, but I’d still have to use a lot of my savings to buy the materials. It would nearly wipe me out.

It would also mean staying with my parents a little longer than I’d hoped, but I figured we could live with that. Not to mention my mom would be over the moon at having her granddaughter under the same roof.

But was I doing what was best for Remi? Because that was what really mattered in the long run.

Going home had made me think a lot about Remi’s future. Sure, she was young now, and I could keep her pretty safe and sheltered with Pam watching her, but what about when she started going to school? It was a big city, and the schools were big too. What happened if she became a number and got lost in the crowd, falling behind in her learning because her teachers were too busy trying to maintain a classroom with too many children, spreading their time with each student so very thin?

Initially, I’d rebelled at the thought of being stuck in that small town forever. After my visit, the thought of raising Remi in the same small town was comforting.

It was nearly unheard of for crime to be in the news. Of course, a lot of people felt that was because the MC scared a lot of the troublemakers away. They kept their seedier businesses, like their strip club, on the outskirts, leaving the garage and the lumberyard as their businesses in town. The lumberyard made a killing because they were the sole supplier to all the construction companies and contractors in the area. In fact, that would be where a lot of the materials I needed for the remodel would come from, except the restaurant and bar-specific equipment that I’d need to order from a special supplier.

Then there was Colton.

He was on my mind about every other second.

That had to have been the most mind-blowing sex I had ever experienced. Jesus Martha, talk about hot. I wasn’t sure what made that time better than all the rest, but it seemed like each time was better than the last with us.

Which got me wondering… would there be another time? He’d told me he loved me, but it was only that one time. Maybe he’d regretted saying it. And then he was really quiet when I left. I wasn’t sure how to take that.

I’d called Pam to let her know where I was and approximately when I’d be home. Dang, I’d miss our visits when I picked Remi up after work.

“I haven’t seen Michael all weekend. Let me know when you make it back,” she’d said.

Of course she hadn’t, probably because he’d been too busy stalking me back home.

“Okay, I’ll call you when I get there.” I was being careful on the trip back and trying to be observant of headlights that seemed to follow me. So far, anytime I slowed down if I got nervous, the vehicles all just went around me.

Thank God.

I really didn’t believe he would mess with me again, but the experience had definitely made me more aware of my surroundings—something I should have done before. Hindsight really was 20/20.

By the time I pulled into the parking garage, I was actually looking forward to crawling in my bed—well, sofa—and getting some sleep before work tomorrow. Once I parked, I called Colton.

“Hey, you’re there?” he asked. We’d talked off and on while I drove the three hours back, but we hadn’t spoken since I stopped for a restroom break about half an hour ago.

“Yeah. I’m about to pass out. Someone wore me out before my long drive,” I teased.

“Man, what an asshole. Should I kick their ass?” He chuckled.

“Naw, I kinda like him.”

“Him, huh? Should I be jealous?”

“Totally.”

I grinned when his laughter barked out. “All right. Well, call me when you get off work tomorrow?”

“Of course.” My heart fluttered. The whole situation was baffling. Last week, I’d have said I’d never see him again. It was crazy.

“Okay.” He paused, then cleared his throat. “Later, babe.”

“Later.” I ended the call and sighed. Then I called Pam to let her know I’d arrived.

“I’m so glad you’re here safe. I was worried about you driving back so late,” she said.

We continued to talk as I went upstairs after collecting my new key from my mailbox. I hung up with Pam, promising to go over to visit her after work tomorrow.

Once inside, I secured all of the locks on my door. Dropping my bag, I hung up my keys and went to the bathroom. After I brushed my teeth and peed, I shuffled out to the living room, set the alarm on my phone, and crashed on the couch.

In the morning, I didn’t remember falling asleep. I did, however, remember my dreams were once again plagued by a blue-eyed sex god, but this time they were so much more vivid and realistic.

THIS WAS MY SIXTH night having dinner with the raven-haired beauty sitting next to me. Sixth. Almost an entire week. I hadn’t missed a single day with her. After all, I had over two years of her life to make up for. I wasn’t missing another second that I didn’t have to.

Stephanie’s parents had been great. They had her ready and waiting at 5:30 p.m. every day after I got off work. I’d pick her up, and it would just be the two of us. Of course, she’d asked where her mommy was about a hundred times, and that broke my fucking heart.

Tonight she had a little pink princess backpack on when I picked her up.

She’d stood at the top of the steps to the porch holding her grandpa’s hand. Jumping up and down in excitement, she watched as I pulled up in my truck, complete with her hot pink and black car seat strapped in the back seat.

I couldn’t believe how happy that little girl made me. It was like her sunshine lit up all the fucking darkness in my head. When I was with her, I was bright, happy, free… saved.

That night she was staying with me for the first time.

I’d finally made the decision to buy my own place. I was able to take quick possession because the house had been empty for months after the elderly owner had moved to Arizona. His kids didn’t want it, and it had just been sitting there collecting dust.

I’d spent every lunch that week mowing the grass down, cleaning up inside, and picking up the bare necessities for furniture.

Hell, I’d become a right fucking Suzy Homemaker. Who would’ve thought?

The guys gave me shit every day, and I just laughed. What the fuck could I say? They were right, and I didn’t give a flying fuck. My life was nearly perfect for the first time in years. It was like this little girl of mine had breathed new life into me.

Now if I could convince her momma to join us….

Since I hadn’t been to the grocery store for more than the basics, we were eating at the town diner. I helped Remi cut up her food and then handed her the fork, keeping the knife over by my side of the table. I was learning all the little things that parents did to keep their children safe, and it felt fucking amazing.

She smiled at me as she sat on her knees and popped a bite in her mouth. She’d insisted she didn’t need a booster seat ’cause she was a “big girl,” and hell if I was gonna tell my little princess she wasn’t. Shit, that little girl of mine already had me wrapped around her tiny finger, and she didn’t have a fucking clue.

I laughed to myself.

My mind wandered off to her momma again. I’d chosen the house on the edge of town with her in mind, but I hadn’t told anyone that.

It was on the road that ran down to the town square where the Oasis was located. It was also a little bit country, sitting on fifteen acres, so Stephanie would feel much like she had growing up. It would also allow Remi to have room to stretch her legs.

The guys were lined up for tomorrow to help me install a fence along the perimeter and a solar-powered automatic gate across the driveway. I wasn’t taking chances with my little princess getting out on the small highway.

It felt good to finally put the money I’d stashed away for years to good use. It didn’t hurt that I’d gotten a great deal on the house, because I planned on updating it while preserving the old farmhouse character.

When it came time for that, I was hoping Stephanie would help me make some of the choices for materials and colors. I was nervous as shit to ask her, but I really was hoping we could make a go of trying to be a family.

No, I didn’t know where exactly our relationship would end up. What I did know was the sex was fucking incredible, and I enjoyed being with her. She was sexy, smart, ambitious, loving, and a great mother. I could certainly do worse.

Okay, I was head over heels for her too, but I was worried I’d spoken too soon and made her nervous. So I’d kept my feelings to myself after I’d blurted my feelings out.

Remi and I finished our meals, and I paid the waitress. Funny how I noticed she was trying to flirt with me and coo at Remi. Yet my dick didn’t seem to give a shit, not even when she bent down to pass Remi’s plate over, giving me a clear and unobstructed view of her tits spilling out of her top.

A man may appreciate a nice-looking set of tits like a hot bike or a smoking car, but it doesn’t mean we want to own them all. She did nothing for me.

I gathered Remi up and loaded her in the truck, buckling her car seat like a pro. Who would have thought Colton Alcott would get the hang of this dad stuff so easily? And not just get the hang of it but love the hell out of it.

“You ready to go see Daddy’s new house, baby girl?” I wasn’t sure how much she understood of what I said, but she sure seemed to understand a lot. My girl was one helluva smart cookie.

“House!” Remi slapped her hands on the armrests of her car seat. I smiled and kissed her cheek.

As I started up my truck, Sixx AM’s “Life is Beautiful” blasted through the speakers. I looked in the rearview mirror at my daughter bopping her head to the music. Yes, yes, it most certainly was… and getting better every day.

MUCH TO EVERYONE AT the restaurant’s surprise and disappointment, I’d turned in my notice my first day back.

It was a sad moment for me as well, but I knew there were amazing things waiting on my horizon. I’d been packing like a fiend all week too. Remi’s room was done, and I was trying to go through her baby stuff to donate the items she’d outgrown.

All of the stuff in the kitchen was packed too. Well, all the stuff I wouldn’t use over the next week, anyway. There wasn’t much in the living room, and my brothers would help me with the big stuff like my couch and TV stand. I hadn’t really acquired a lot of furniture over the last few years, which would help make the move a little easier.

Tired after a long day, I sat down to watch a movie with a bowl of popcorn. It was Friday night, and I was taking a break to relax and chill. I also shot off a text to Becca. She’d been fighting with her boyfriend and had ghosted me to make him happy. He was such a douche.

My phone rang like clockwork at 8:30 p.m. Colton would make a point to have Remi call me after he’d dropped her off at my parents’ and she was ready for bed.

I smiled as I picked it up and answered.

“Hi, Mommy! Wemi go to bed. At Daddy house! Miss you, Mommy. Daddy talk. Nigh-night!” Those were the main points I caught of her conversation, which was interspersed with nonsensical toddler babble. It was hard not to laugh when she was trying so hard to sound big.

There was a rustling and pattering feet along with a muffled “I’ll be there to tuck you in shortly, princess” before his deep, sexy voice came on the phone.

“Hey. Everything okay with you? I guess you heard Remi is staying with me tonight? I really hope you don’t mind. I probably should have discussed it with you first. I didn’t really think about that until I’d already spoken to your parents and made the plans.” He was rambling about as much as his daughter had. It was obvious he was worried about my response.

If I was honest, I wasn’t really sure how I felt. I hoped everyone would behave, because I didn’t want my daughter exposed to the sort of things I saw on Sunday.

“Ummm, yeah. Are you sure it’s a good idea to have her there though? I don’t want that Gretchen bitch near her.” My hackles were rising. I didn’t even know that wench, but I sure as hell didn’t like the way she’d tried to start trouble between us. I especially didn’t want to think about what he may’ve done with her before. That made me a little nauseous.

“Well, about that…. We’re not at the clubhouse.”

“You’re not? Where are you, then? Did you get a hotel?” Please, God, let him have her somewhere safe. Not that I didn’t trust him with her, but I knew he wasn’t used to making child-centered choices yet.

“No… umm, I wanted it to be a surprise to you, but….” More shuffling as he moved the phone around. “Well, I bought a house. I was hoping you’d give me some feminine pointers on some of the decorating and remodeling. I wasn’t going to say anything until you came back. I guess I didn’t plan on Big Mouth Magee spilling the beans.” He let out a nervous laugh. “Are you mad? It’s clean, I promise.”

“I’m a little shocked, I guess. But no, I’m not mad at all. I didn’t expect you to leave the guys at the clubhouse. I thought you liked being close to them.” Absently, I flicked pieces of popcorn around the bowl.

I missed Remi something fierce. It had pretty much been her and me against the world for the last couple of years, so I was a little jealous on top of missing her. I was also really missing her daddy, but I didn’t know if he wanted to hear that.

I heard Remi holler, “Daddy!” in the background.

“Babe, can I call you back? I want to talk to you, but our princess is waiting for me. I won’t be long.”

“Sure,” I agreed and ended the call.

My head was spinning. Wow. He bought a house? I was impressed and surprised. He really was taking his new daddy role seriously. I began to imagine what sort of house he would choose as I waited for him to call back.

Probably something close to the shop and clubhouse in case he was needed. It would definitely need a garage big enough for his bike and probably his truck.

I hadn’t realized I’d eaten the entire bowl of popcorn until I noticed I was pushing seeds around trying to find more. I got up and placed the bowl in the sink, then refilled my water. I’d just sat on the couch when my phone started to ring again.

“Hey, you! That was quick,” I said without looking at the screen. There was only silence on the other end.

“Hello? Hellooooooo?” I looked at my phone, thinking he must have a bad signal and lost the call. Unknown caller. Weird. I rarely got those calls anymore.

“Hello?” Nothing. So I hung up. Must’ve been a wrong number. Then I thought I heard my doorknob rattle. It must have been my imagination, or maybe someone bumped it as they carried stuff down the hall, because I never heard anything else after that.

It rang again, and this time Colton Sex God popped up on my caller ID. I chuckled as I blushed, remembering entering him into my contacts like that after the birthday bash. I hadn’t thought to change it, but I probably should before he saw it.

“Hello there, good-looking,” I said in a sultry phone-sex-line voice, teasing him. I heard him chuckle and then groan softly.

“Don’t do that to me. We’re too far away for that shit, and I think my dick heard you. Thanks a lot.”

“You’re so crude.” I giggled. “And I like it.” I wiggled my eyebrows as if he could see me.

“Baby, you haven’t seen crude. FaceTime me and I’ll show you how crude I can be.” The lasciviousness of his smile was audible.

I knew I looked like total crap. There was no way I was letting him see that.

“Uhh, yeah, I don’t know if that would be a good idea. I look like poop on a stick! And what if Remi woke up and caught you? Hmmmmmm, Daddy? How would that look, you naughty boy?” I teased him, hoping it would be enough to get him to drop the FaceTime thoughts.

He laughed. “I love hearing you say that. I also love hearing you call me ‘Daddy.’” He laughed as I said, “Eeww,” and fake gagged. “And okay, I’ll behave. But let me FaceTime you. I need to see you. I don’t care what you look like.”

He obviously wasn’t going to let this drop, so I reluctantly agreed.

Seeing his gorgeous face pop onto my phone screen made my heart lurch. The man did something to me with that smile and those dimples.

It made me want to reach through and mess up his dark hair and land kisses all over his face. Then I wanted to run my hands through the scruff along his jawline and across his cheeks. God, I knew I was smiling like a goof.

“There’s my gorgeous girl,” he said. “Man, I’ve missed you. Don’t get me wrong, I love having this time with Remi, and your family’s been great about it, but I kinda like having your ass around too.” He winked, and I laughed.

“We aren’t even really dating. We’re just co-parenting and getting to know each other. How can you miss me?” I laughed and tried to capture some of the stray hairs that insisted on escaping my messy bun, wishing I had put a little makeup on. “Besides, I look awful. You don’t need to fib to make me feel better.”

His face turned serious, and I thought I’d said something to piss him off.

“Is that all you see us as? Really? Granted, I don’t know exactly what the future holds for us, but we obviously have more than co-parenting going on. We have amazingly hot sex, and we seem to get along well. How about if we reserve judgment for now? We’ll let things lie until you get back and then see where things take us. And you are absolutely fucking sexy right now, so I don’t need to ‘fib’ to make you feel good.” His grin returned, and my panties blazed.

Melted.

Jesus Nelly, that damn smile of his was a killer. Nervously, I bit my lip.

“Okay, I think that’s doable. So, how’s Remi doing with you? You should FaceTime me with her in the morning before you take her home. God, I miss her.”

“She misses her momma too. She asks me about you every day. Two hundred times a day. Damn, Stephanie, she’s so fucking smart. She amazes me daily. You’ve done an incredible job with her. She’s so good and polite. Everywhere I take her, people compliment me on her behavior and manners. It makes me proud because she’s mine, but I feel guilty because I can’t really take any of the fucking credit for it. I kick myself all the fucking time for throwing out that damn piece of paper. Things could’ve been so different.” He ran his hand over his face in obvious frustration.

I hated seeing him beating himself up. We couldn’t live with constant woulda, coulda, shouldas. It was what it was.

“Hey. We need to stop dwelling on things we can’t change. We can only take what we have and move forward. Remi has her daddy in her life now, and I’m so happy about that. I tell myself everything happens for a reason. I don’t know why, but maybe this is the way it was supposed to be. I’m just glad you didn’t think I got pregnant on purpose.”

“After getting to know you and after everything Hacker has said about you, I know you’d never do that, Stephanie.” He looked at me with a serious expression. “Look, I’m still very fucked up, Steph, but I’m working on it. Maybe I’m repeating myself, but I’ve done some fucked-up things in my life. Things I’m not going to burden you with, but they still weigh heavy on me.”

I reached out a finger and caressed the edge of his face on the screen as if he were real. “Baby, it’s okay. The past is the past. We can’t change any of that. We can only do our best to be honest with each other from here on out. Communication is important, whether we move forward with a serious relationship between us or we end up simply co-parenting.”

He looked down and pulled his lip between his teeth.

“About that…. The club is working on cleaning shit up, but we still aren’t perfect. I need you to understand that Remi comes first, always, but my club is important to me too. They took me in when I was at my absolute lowest. So I know I’m asking a lot, but I need you to accept that there are things that are simply club business that I can’t talk about. It’s not about keeping secrets, it’s about the trust and rules of the club. No club business is to be discussed with civilians. No exceptions.” He took a deep breath. “I don’t want you thinking it’s personal, or that I’m hiding things from you, and I want you to know I would never do anything to endanger Remi. Speaking of our little princess, she ate all of her lasagna for dinner tonight. But I plead the fifth on the disappearance of her outfit she was wearing at the time.” His exaggeratedly innocent expression and the way he acted like he couldn’t meet my eyes had me laughing.

“She ate lasagna? She usually only eats stinking chicken nuggets! I can’t believe you got her to eat lasagna! What did you bribe her with? Where’s your magic wand?” I gave him a mocking stern expression with a raised eyebrow before I couldn’t hold my smile in anymore.

“I might’ve told her little girls who eat all their food sometimes get ponies for Christmas.” He looked chagrined but had the nerve to then go all wide-eyed innocent.

“You whaaaaaaaat? Oh dear Lord, we need to work on your parenting style.” I couldn’t help but laugh.

We talked for a little longer. Then I stifled a yawn, because I didn’t want to let him go. But it had been a long day, and if I wanted to get out of there when my brothers came next week, I needed to get up early to get the rest of my stuff packed this weekend.

I’d only keep out the very minimum and necessary items to be packed last minute. I planned on leaving out my uniforms for work and a couple pairs of sweats and T-shirts for home. Remi’s bed still needed to be disassembled too.

“You look tired. I better let you go. Your boss isn’t treating you shitty, is he? I can make a quick trip down to kick some asses if I need to. And no sign of or issues from that dipshit, right?” He was so cute, but my job was great with me turning in my notice. They all said they would miss me, but they were happy for me.

“No, nothing from Michael.” I laughed. “I told you he wouldn’t bother me. And yes, they were fine, really. We’re all going out on Wednesday after work as a little going-away party. I decided to take a short day on Thursday so I could be home for my brothers when they get here, and then I took off Friday. It was a slow day anyway, and they already have two people hired that are doing great, so they really won’t need me. But you’re right, today was crazy busy, and I’m tired.”

Lordy, I hated to end the call. It was so natural to talk to him about the little random bits of my daily life.

“All right. Sweet dreams, beautiful. And yes, I’ll FaceTime you with our baby girl in the morning. Good night.” I could tell by his expression that he was reluctant to let me go as well.

I stifled another yawn and knew I needed to sleep. I really wanted to tell him I loved him, but it made me nervous to say it.

“’Night.” We closed down FaceTime, and I shut the movie off. I’d barely watched twenty minutes of it anyway.

There was a moment’s regret that I didn’t ensure he knew what was in my heart before I let him go, but I told myself we had plenty of time.

My eyes grew heavy as soon as I snuggled into my pillow.

That night, my dreams were flooded with a little family playing in the yard of their home with a snow-white pony wandering around grazing in the pasture.

WE’D USED MY PHONE to FaceTime Stephanie, and Remi was going fucking nuts after talking to her momma. My little princess loved her momma with an absolute certainty.

I smiled as I shook my head and looked in the rearview mirror at her. Every time I brought her back to her grandparents, I hated to let her go, but I needed to head into the clubhouse to check in and take care of a few things. I also needed to make sure there were enough sober motherfuckers to help me with my fence like they said they would.

When I dropped Remi off with Stephanie’s mom, she talked to me for a little bit about how happy she was that I was able to spend time with Remi. I thought she was hinting a little about finding out what my intentions were with Stephanie, but I played stupid like I didn’t catch on, and she let it lie.

I wasn’t sure where things were sitting myself. The irony wasn’t lost on me either. She’d been so skeptical the first time she’d met me. She’d taken one look at my scruffy two-day beard, tats, chain on my wallet, scuffed motorcycle boots, and I could see she had reservations.

She was still a little hesitant to let me take Remi that first day, but her husband seemed to approve of me. He must’ve talked to her, because my reception upon bringing Remi back to them was considerably warmer. Since then, she was my staunchest supporter and was constantly dropping hints about Stephanie and me.

I pulled my truck into the clubhouse parking lot after picking up all my supplies at the lumberyard the club owned. Benefit to that was I got all my supplies at cost, so it didn’t dent my budget too bad.

Jumping down, I swung the door shut. It took a minute for my eyes to adjust after heading into the dim interior from the bright sun outside. The sight that greeted me left me wondering how much help I would have today.

There were passed-out bodies in the booth benches, on the couches, and some on the floor. Some had half-naked bitches sprawled across them.

Jesus H. Christ, they must’ve had one helluva party there. I kicked the few boots of those who’d said they were going to help today to get their attention and get them moving. That was, if they were still going to help. The fucks.

Since I was sure they were gonna need it, I threw on a pot of coffee and headed back to see if Hacker or Hollywood were up, since they were absent from the piles out in the main clubhouse.

It took several knocks on Hollywood’s door before he shuffled across the room. Opening it as he yawned, he scratched his chest absently. Behind him, I saw a red mop of hair fanned across his pillows and a slender arm hanging off the bed.

Fucking Hollywood. He was a lothario with women, and he sure had a thing for redheads.

“Hey, you fuck. You sober? Still on board with helping me with the fence today? Looks like there was one hell of a party last night, and I’m guessing I’ll probably lose half of my fencing crew to hangovers.” I laughed.

It was impossible to be mad, ’cause Fridays were our regular night to party. The party girls would line up in hopes to make it in and hook up with a “big bad biker” for the night. Why it was a bragging right to these bitches, I didn’t know, but if they made the cut and were admitted, they were hot, willing, and fresh, which I suppose made them a nice change from the regular club whores who hung around.

“Yeah, man, I’m there. You know I have your back, bro. I just need to shower and get dressed, then kick this crazy bitch out of here.” He rolled his eyes. “Shit, you know I love women and women love me, but I think this one might be a little fucked in the head.” He jerked a thumb over his shoulder at the chick in the bed. “Started crying and talking about how alone she was and how she didn’t know what she was going to do since her boyfriend dumped her, blah blah, blah. I didn’t even stick my dick in her.”

My eyes opened wide in disbelief.

“It’s the truth,” he said. “I just held her fruity ass and let her sleep off her drunk. I think I’m getting soft or losing my touch. Fucking A.” He shook his head in resignation and disgust, and I tried not to laugh at him, because I could see he was really beside himself with the situation. I could imagine that was quite a change for his horny ass.

“We can drop her off somewhere or call her a cab, bro. Just let me know. I’m gonna go shake Hacker’s fucking ass outta bed.”

He nodded and shut his door as I wandered down the hall toward Hacker’s door.

I knocked once and almost fell over when the door flew open right away.

“Hey, bro! What’s up? You ready to start this fence shit?” He was already dressed and all wide-eyed and bushy-tailed. Shit, usually I could barely drag him out of bed in the fucking mornings.

“Yeah, man, that’s why I was knocking. Damn, you’re up early.”

“Yeah, well, I’ve been working on checking into that asshole that was fucking with Steph. I had a guy that was supposed to call me back this morning, but I haven’t heard from him yet. I’ll have my phone on me, so it’s no big fucking deal. Besides, look at it as a perk. You didn’t have to pound on my fucking door again.” He busted out laughing.

“Speaking of, what have you found out about the guy?”

“Not much. No record. Not even a fucking parking ticket. He did have a bleep that showed up as a sealed case when he was a teen, which is what I’m waiting to hear about. He has three older sisters, a bunch of nieces and nephews. Went to community college for a general studies degree and got a supervisory position at the construction company he worked at through college. Been there since. He transferred with them to Des Moines from the Quad Cities when they expanded. I was a little surprised he would want to leave his family, but hey, maybe they drove him batshit crazy, ya know? Anyway, I have a few favors I called in for some street info too. He leaving her alone?” Hacker could find out if you farted in church when you were five, so I was pretty comfortable with the info he dug up.

“Okay, cool, man. No, she said she hasn’t heard a word from the dipshit. Let me know what you find out. I’m going to see if these other drunk fuckers are up and moving. You coming?”

“Yeah, let me grab my shades and I’ll be out.” He turned to go rummaging around through the papers and crap that littered his desk, and I headed back out to the main room.

Most of the guys were up and drinking coffee with another pot brewing when I got out there. They were bleary-eyed and dragging.

Vinny was drinking Jack. That was one tough and crazy bastard. He was our VP and was originally from New Jersey. We got along okay, but I wasn’t sure if he was all there or not. I wouldn’t have been surprised to hear he had some mafia in his blood, but he didn’t talk about his past, and we didn’t ask.

The prospects, Soap, DJ, and Joker, were straightening out the chairs and cleaning up. Soap looked a little green around the fucking gills, and I had to wonder how much that little shit drank last night.

Prospects weren’t supposed to drink, but on Friday nights for the last few hours, the guys would look the other way. Joker was laughing and joking as usual, giving Soap and DJ shit for drinking too much of the moonshine his gran had sent. Ah, that explained it.

“If y’all fuckers are sober enough, we can head out in twenty,” I told them. “With all of us working on this, I know it won’t take long, and I appreciate y’all helping me out. I don’t want to take a chance with my little girl getting in the road, so y’all are saving my ass. Thanks again.”

Everyone nodded, and a few of the guys smiled at the mention of my little girl.

They’d all been shocked as shit when I told them I was a father. For that matter, so was I. It was still a little mind-numbing at times to think I was a dad. I had someone depending on me. Relying on me. And I wasn’t alone.

I prayed I’d be a better dad than mine was, and I made a promise to never run out on my kid like he had.

SINCE I WAS DOWN to very little in the apartment in the way of food, I decided to grab dinner out. I went to the little diner I’d suggested to Michael the first night I met him. I still liked the staff and the food was good, so I wasn’t going to let my bad experience with him scare me away from the place.

I was really glad I hadn’t seen him since returning. It’d be awkward, and I was a little nervous. But I wasn’t going to admit that to Colton. He was worried enough as it was.

The waitress greeted me in her typical friendly manner and told me to take a seat wherever I wanted. There were several tables open, so I chose one by the windows where the sun was still shining through, warming me in the cool AC.

Setting the menu aside, I looked up. The uncanny sense of someone looking at me made me shiver. There were families engrossed in laughing conversations, a young couple in what looked to be an intimate conversation, and a few old men chattering at a table in the corner. No familiar faces. No one looking my way.

Hmm. I looked out the window, but with the sunlight coming in, it was hard to see out in the parking lot. Must have been my imagination.

After I placed my order, I noticed a text message from Colton.

I opened it and saw a pretty wrought iron fence separated by brick pillars with a beautiful gate. There was a horse cut in metal highlighted in the center. I laughed when I read the message.

Colton: Remi’s pony for now. Lol.

I zoomed in on the pic because, quite frankly, I was nosy, and noticed an older but pretty, well-kept single-story farmhouse. It had a front porch that ran the length of the house. I wondered if there was a matching one on the back.

Shoot, why did I care? It wasn’t like it was my house. And Colton never really said what he wanted for us, just that we’d “see where things went.” I wasn’t sure if that was a hopeful statement or a blow-off.

There was a garage that seemed like it was added later, with a breezeway connecting the garage to the house porch. There were several large oak trees that seemed like they provided great shade in the summer. It looked like a big barn was in the back. Everything appeared in need of paint but structurally sturdy. Of course, I was judging from a picture, so who knew. Either way, the place looked homey, cozy, and welcoming.

It made me slightly envious that I couldn’t provide that for Remi right now. But if things didn’t work out between us, at least she’d have his place and my parents’ place to run and be a kid.

After I overindulged in comfort food topped off with fresh apple pie, I stepped out into the warm evening.

As I walked to my SUV with the loose bits of asphalt crunching under my feet, I had the feeling of being watched again. I looked around but still didn’t notice anyone.

It had to be paranoia because Colton asked me about Michael last night. I shook off the feeling and headed home, making a few stops on the way that included grabbing a movie from one of those rental boxes.

At the last minute, I stopped by Pam’s apartment to see if she wanted to join me for my chick flick. But she answered the door in an above-the-knee sequined dress and heels, putting a set of diamond studs in her ears.

“Hey, girl! How’s the packing going?” Her smile was bright and infectious.

“Pretty good.” I nodded toward my haul. “Just grabbed some more boxes. I was going to see if you wanted to join me for a movie, but I see you have more exciting plans.” I smiled at her and waggled my eyebrows.

“Yeah, I wish,” she said with a laugh. “We have an office party for the hubby’s work tonight. Nothing like schmoozing with a bunch of stuck-up assholes and their banking clients.”

“Well, it’s your loss. I make some of the best microwave popcorn in the country.” I laughed and gave her a hug. Dang, I was going to miss her. Though we’d started as a babysitter/mom relationship, we’d evolved into close friends.

“I can swing by tomorrow afternoon and help you with your packing if you want. Or we can hang out and drink wine.”

When I clapped my hands like a small child, she laughed and waved as I headed to my apartment.

I dragged my boxes inside, locked the door, and hung up my keys. Then I headed to the shower to wash off the sweat from lugging the boxes around in the humid air.

Tired and sticky, I set my phone on the counter and started the shower to heat up the water. My clothes got kicked into the growing pile in the hamper. Shit, I need to do laundry.

After I climbed in the shower, I closed my eyes and tipped my head back into the heated stream. My imagination had the water jets as Colton massaging my scalp.

Feeling naughty, I slid my hands up my torso to cup my breasts, squeezing them gently and pinching my nipples. In my mind, it was Colton who touched me.

As I ran my hands back down my body, one glided over my smooth mound, my finger finding a slick wetness that had nothing to do with the water from the shower. A soft gasp and moan escaped my lips as I pictured him looking up at me as he buried his face between my legs and worked his magic. When I came, it was with his name on my lips.

I grabbed a plush towel, my core pulsing as I dried between my legs. I braced my hands on the edge of the counter, hanging my head as I tried to calm my breathing. My wet hair dripped cold water on my arms. It became chilly in the AC, and I broke out in goose bumps, shivering.

What was I going to do if he didn’t want me after all? Let’s face it, I was fricking obsessed with him. I was pathetic.

My phone started to ring. The caller ID read Unknown Caller. As I walked out of the bathroom, trying to decide if I should answer it, I heard my doorknob rattle again. I answered the call, keeping an eye on my door.

“Hello?”

Silence.

Are you for real? “Hello? Who is this? If this is a wrong number, please make note of the number you called so you don’t keep calling me.” No response. This was starting to piss me off. Stupid kids? Surely not Michael. He would just knock on my door and holler at me if he wanted to bother me again.

The call cut off, and I didn’t see or hear anything more from my door. Afraid to move in case someone was still out there, I stood wrapped in my towel. My hair dripped on the hardwood flooring for several minutes before I breathed deep and went into the bedroom to put on clean pajama pants and a T-shirt.

My phone rang again, and I looked to make sure it wasn’t unknown. It was 8:30 p.m. Colton.

“Hey, you,” I said with a slight quaver in my voice. It was hard, but I didn’t need to let shit shake me up. It was probably my overactive imagination making more out of stuff than there was. Pasting a smile on my face, I tried to keep my tone light. “How was today? I love the fence! Nice job!”

“Thanks. It was a real pain in the ass with a bunch of hungover bikers, but it went better than I expected. I’m glad you like it. I didn’t want to just put up some crappy chain-link. The pillars were put in a few days ago by some guys moonlighting on their masonry jobs, so I can’t take credit for those. But I think we did a good job on the rest. I have a key fob for you for the gate when you get here.” He sounded so pleased with himself.

There was no way I was mentioning the stupid phone calls and getting him worked up and worried for nothing.

“Well, it looks great. I’m so pleased you did that to keep Remi safe. You’re doing pretty good at this father thing, huh?”

“I’m trying.” He laughed. “I know she’s probably getting a little spoiled with me, and I apologize in advance. I still cannot get over how fucking happy that little girl makes me. She smiles and pops those dimples on me, and I can’t tell her no.”

“Ahhhh, now you know how I feel with the two of you!” I laughed too.

“Oh really? Yeah, totally filing that information away for later.”

“Whatever, like you didn’t know that already.” Every time we spoke, he made me laugh so much.

I loved talking to him. It seemed like he always made me feel better when I was lonely or upset, even when he didn’t know I was. It may have sounded cliché or too soon, but I felt like I was falling for him deeper and deeper every time I talked to him. Unfortunately, the fear of getting my heart broken still crept into my mind.

“Hey, your little girl wants to talk to her mama.”

I heard rustling again and then my precious little girl’s voice.

“Mama! Kisses, Mama!” It wasn’t lost on me that Remi had picked up the more southern term of “Mama” for me. Obvious evidence of her daddy’s influence. It warmed my heart.

“Hey, baby! Yes, Mama is here, and thank you for the kisses. Only six more sleeps and Mama should be home. I miss you, beautiful!” A conversation with a two-and-a-half-year-old wasn’t exactly stimulating, but I loved every second of it.

The words she knew interspersed with jumbled babble were the sweetest sounds I’d ever heard. She finished all she felt was important to tell me and left with a kiss on the mouthpiece of the phone. Then she ran off to play before Daddy put her to bed.

“I’m glad you’ve been able to have her with you overnight this weekend. I hope she hasn’t been too wild for you.” I worried she would get naughty and have him questioning his sanity at sticking around.

“Oh, we’ve had our moments, but I dealt with privates in the army that were less manageable than her.” He chuckled. “I can handle my little princess, but like I said, I make no guarantees on how spoiled she might be by the time you come home. Are you sure you’re doing okay? I know you’re missing her, and I’m sorry for that, but I hope having her here has at least helped you with your packing.”

“Oh, it has. I can’t imagine what it would be like trying to do everything with her running around unpacking as fast as I pack and trying to get in her naps and meals. I just really miss her. Like I said, I’ve never really been away from her.” My heart ached talking about how much I missed her, though I was truly glad he was able to spend this time with her.

We talked about my parents, my ideas for the bar, and how many days were left before I’d be home. We hung up with hesitancy. It had my mind wandering in regards to what direction we were heading. He called me “baby,” but he was from Tennessee, and I knew they called a lot of people darling, sweetheart, and baby.

A week from today, I’d be home—less if my brothers and I could manage to get everything loaded up and out of here quickly. I didn’t tell Colton though, in case it didn’t work out.

Lordy, I couldn’t wait to see him again.

THE LAST FEW DAYS had gone by in a bit of a blur. We were swamped at the garage, and last night I didn’t even get to pick Remi up because I worked late. It broke my heart, but I did stop by her grandparents’ to see her and tuck her in.

That had me hoping I’d be able to convince Stephanie to move in with me. I loved putting Remi to bed every night. If she and her momma were in their own place, or even at her parents’, I’d feel like I was intruding if I stopped by every night.

Then I was fucking bummed as shit that I wouldn’t be able to call Stephanie because she was going out for her going-away party.

I’d thought about asking her to call me when she got home, but that seemed pushy. I’d had the excuse of talking to her every night because of Remi. By the time they ended up calling it a night, it would be too late.

The last thing I wanted was for her to feel like I was keeping fucking tabs on her. But she was the mother of my child, and I wanted her safe. That was all it fucking was.

Right?

I mean, I cared about her, but I’d be okay if she didn’t want a relationship with me. Fuck, I’d lived twenty-eight years without a serious relationship; I could fucking deal if she didn’t want one. It was no big deal.

Shit, why did I feel like I was making excuses? Because I was.

Late out of work again, I hopped on my bike and headed over to see my princess.

Stephanie’s mom had invited me to have dinner with them when I called to let them know I was gonna be a little late. Between all the jobs we had going at the shop and preparing for the run this weekend, we were running ragged.

After dinner, I needed to return to the clubhouse for a brief meeting as it was. We were scheduled to leave soon.

I pulled up in the driveway and climbed off the bike. Damn, there must be rain coming. My leg was stiff and sore.

When I rang the doorbell, I heard little feet pattering across the floor, and I couldn’t help but smile. The knob rattled as she tried to open the door. Then another set of footsteps approached and someone opened it for her. She stood there holding her grandpa’s hand, squealing, “Daddy! Daddy here!”

Stephanie’s dad shook my hand as I came in the door, telling me dinner would be ready in a few minutes. I bent over to scoop up my little girl. The contrast between her ivory skin and the ink on my arms was dramatic as I held her.

We walked back to the kitchen. “Do you need help with anything?” I asked Steph’s mom.

“No. Thank you though,” she replied, so I sat at the table with her and Stephanie’s dad.

“So, how’s the house coming along, Colton?” Her mom looked over at me from the oven, where she was pulling a roast out. I couldn’t get Stephanie’s parents to call me Reaper, and I quit correcting them. “We drove by and saw the fence and gate. That’s amazing! I bet Stephanie is going to love that.”

Yep, more hints.

“Yes, ma’am, she does. I sent her a picture of it.” Her knowing smirk was not lost on me as she tried to turn away without me seeing it. I also heard her harrumph at my use of “ma’am,” but hey, if they weren’t going to call me Reaper, two could play at that game. I’d told them that, despite my somewhat nefarious ways, my momma did raise me to have manners and respect.

“She has her going-away party tonight, right? So will you talk to her after she gets home? I’m so happy we’ll have her home soon.” Another fishing episode. I laughed to myself.

“No, ma’am. Remi will be in bed by then, and I only call her to let Remi talk to her before she goes to bed. I’m trying not to push her too much.”

She looked a little disappointed.

Yeah, Ma, I’m disappointed too.

I’d gotten addicted to hearing her voice and sometimes seeing her face on FaceTime. Thank fucking God for technology.

Dinner was filled with pleasant conversation. Stephanie’s dad talked about the things he’d planned for the farm over the next few days, and her mom spoke of the plans for the Oasis Stephanie’d told her about. I had to admit, they were great ideas, and I could see she was going to make the Oasis into a great pub where people would love to hang out, eat, and drink.

After putting Remi to bed, I headed back to the clubhouse.

I arrived as everyone was filing into the chapel. That was close. Hacker caught me as we were walking in.

“I need to talk to you as soon as we’re done,” he whispered.

I didn’t hear much of the meeting due to wondering what Hacker had for me. From the expression on his face, it didn’t look like it was good news. As soon as Snow called an end to church, we headed out—some to grab drinks at the bar, some to shoot pool, others to play darts, and still some left to go home to their old ladies and families.

Me? I found Hacker.

“What’s up, bro?”

“Man, come to my room.” He headed quickly to his room and shut the door after I entered, then turned to pull up some files on his computer. “I tried to call you earlier, but you didn’t answer. Figured you were with your kid. I finally heard from my contact. That sealed juvenile file? It was for stalking, assaulting, and raping a girl after she broke up with him. Because they were both minors and his parents paid a high-profile lawyer, he did a stint in juvie and everything remained sealed. But there’s more.”

I didn’t like the sound of all this, and I was getting more and more pissed.

“He didn’t just leave the Quad Cities because he had a better opportunity. He’d been seeing a girl and started threatening her after she broke up with him. He also tried to assault her. She refused to press charges, because his parents hired the big lawyer again. He agreed to leave the area and have no contact with the girl again.” He looked worried and pissed.

“Motherfucker! Do we know where he is now? Stephanie swears she hasn’t seen or heard from him, but this MO says he isn’t done with her. Fuck, I need to talk to Snow. I need to go to her. Thanks, bro. I appreciate all of this. You have no idea.” I headed to the door.

“Hey, Reaper. Can I ask what your intentions are with Stephanie? Not just for my own peace of mind but for the interest of you and the club. You gonna make her your old lady or what? She deserves good things. I don’t wanna see you dick her around.” His expression showed the depth of his concern.

“Trust me, bro, if I have my way, I’m claiming her. But I need her to be on board with it. And she’s my baby girl’s mother. I’m hoping Snow will take that into consideration when I talk to him and let me head out earlier than planned.” I left the room, making a beeline for Snow’s office, praying like hell his ass was still there.

The light was on as I approached the office, but it was evident Snow was preparing to lock up.

“Can I have a word, Prez?”

He looked up in surprise and motioned for me to sit. I told him what was going on, and his brow furrowed in concern, but he didn’t say a word until I was done.

“Reaper, I understand your position, but I really need you on this one. I was planning on sending you and Hollywood ahead to find a good location to set up so you can be our eyes in the sky. We talked about this tonight at the meeting. Was your head not in the game, son? I don’t have anyone else with your particular skill set. I can’t spare you. The best I can do is cut you loose as soon as the handoff takes place. I’m sorry, but I have to look out for the safety of the club.” He leaned forward in his chair with his fingertips steepled as he raised his brows.

“Look, Hollywood is damn near as good a shot as I am. He could cover this easy.” I couldn’t leave his office without at least trying again.

“Reaper, you said there haven’t been any issues. I’m not gonna send you down there on suppositions. We need you. As soon as we’re done, you can be with your girl and take your time coming back, okay?”

I was mad as fuck, and I clenched my jaw to hold my fucking words in. For the first time ever, I was pissed at my club for coming between me and something important to me. My loyalty was to the club, and I wasn’t going to go against my prez, but I was fucking livid.

Not trusting myself to speak, I nodded and stood, walking out of his office. Even though it was her going-away party, I needed to get in touch with her.

Of course her phone went to voice mail.

Fuck. Fuck! Fuck!

I stormed through the clubhouse, earning raised brows and questioning looks from everyone still hanging around. Hacker and Hollywood rushed out of the door after me.

As soon as I was outside, I turned and punched the side of the building, leaving a dent in the metal and blood on the wall. I could barely feel my hand, but I didn’t give a flying fuck. I wiggled my fingers and clenched my fist. It hurt, but I didn’t think anything was fucking broken.

“What the fuck, bro? What happened?” Hollywood placed his hand on my shoulder, and I shook him off in frustration. I still didn’t trust myself to speak.

As Hacker explained what he knew, I tried to call Stephanie again. No fucking answer.

Come on, Stephanie! Pick up your goddamn phone!

I told them what Snow told me.

“I figured that would be his response after what he had discussed in church,” Hacker said.

Sonofabitch! I kicked myself for not fucking paying attention tonight.

Helplessness was not a feeling I dealt with well. Not having control of a situation drove me fucking insane. It was like coming unraveled. Knowing I needed to cool off, I strode to my bike, and Hollywood followed suit. I expected nothing less of him; he was my best friend and always had my back.

I pulled out of the lot like the fucking hounds of hell were hot on my ass. Hollywood was right on my tail. As I rode down the dark night highway with my headlights illuminating the road ahead, I ran through everything I knew.

She hadn’t heard anything from him so far, and that was a good thing. I prayed to a God I didn’t know if I believed in that she would get out of there before he made a move.

It was all I could do.

WE HEADED DOWN TO a chic little wine bar after we left work and polished off several high-dollar bottles. Each one toasted future. It wasn’t long before we were tipsy.

By the end of the night, we all had to pour ourselves into cabs to get home. I was so glad when the bosses told me I could skip my short day tomorrow, because I knew I would be suffering in the morning.

My brothers were so going to rub it in my face.

Digging through my purse to find my phone was a chore. But I needed to text my brothers so they’d know I’d be off tomorrow.

After discovering the elusive phone, I saw two missed calls from Colton, but shit, it was late as hell. Not to mention I was beyond tipsy. That was a lie—I was fucking drunk as hell.

Yeahhhhh, probably not a wise idea to call him back like that. I made a mental note to call him in the morning and tucked my phone snug in my bra. I giggled to myself at the thought that my bigger boobs after having Remi came in handy for something.

Reggie and I shared a cab since we were only a couple blocks apart. I was sure the cab driver was laughing at our drunken exclamations and singing. We were quite a pair, and a singer, I was not.

Reggie hugged me and waved like the drunken sot he was as we neared my place.

The cab dropped me off in front of my building, and I stumbled in. Honestly, I had no idea how I got to my door.

Jesus, I was getting too old for this crap. I giggled again as I fumbled with my keys and tried to put it in one of the two keyholes. Since when did I have two keyholes? Did that bastard maintenance man change my door lock too soon? I giggled.

After about the fifth stab at it, I finally got it to slide in properly. This caused another fit of giggles that I tried to silence. I kept waiting for one of my neighbors to come out and yell at me for being so loud.

The door swung open, and I lurched drunkenly forward into the entryway. As I tried to close the door, it kept getting stuck and wouldn’t shut.

What the hell? Stupid door.

That’s when the “stupid door” flew back at me, causing me to lose my balance and fall backward.

My purse went flying, and I cracked my head on the wall as I fell. Stars danced in front of my eyes before everything started to go black.

The last thing I remembered was a familiar voice saying, “Now look what you’ve done.”

THE BAD FEELING ROLLING in my gut hadn’t resolved by the time I woke up.

Another call to Stephanie went to voice mail. Looking at the clock, I figured it was still pretty early and she may not even be up yet.

By the time I was able to call her again, and she still didn’t answer, I figured she must be at work. She couldn’t answer her phone there.

Fuck.

Next, I called her brothers.

“We’re on our way down in the morning. We’ll have her call you as soon as we get there if she hasn’t called you yet,” Sean said.

I debated if I should tell them about that stupid fucker or not, but I wasn’t sure how I’d explain how I knew all the shit about him or if they’d believe me.

Finally, I decided they should probably know. Even if nothing happened, they’d know not to let the stupid fucker in nor talk to his worthless ass.

“Jesus Christ, man! What the fuck? Are you serious?” Sean yelled into the phone.

Sam was in the background, and I could hear him asking what the fuck was going on. Sean must have tucked the phone under his chin, because his relay of the message was muffled. He came back, saying, “Okay. We’ll try to get in touch with her too. Do you know the name of that fancy-ass place she works at? Maybe we could call there.”

“Hell no, I don’t.” Frustration was making me jittery.

“Maybe Mom does. We’ll call you as soon as we find out anything or talk to her. We’re going to see if maybe we can get out of here tonight.”

“Thanks, man. I’m heading down ASAP, but I don’t know when my boss will let me out of here.” I hung up the phone and tried Stephanie again, even though I knew it was probably a moot point. She’d definitely be at work by now.

I was so fucking frustrated I could spit nails and have them stick in the damn wall. More than anything, I wanted to fucking punch something or someone.

Skin tight and anxiety high, I left the shop and went to look for Snow. I needed to find out how early I could take off to scope out a location. What I wasn’t going to tell him was I was going to make a side trip first.

MY HEAD WAS POUNDING. Oh. My. God. I’m never drinking that much wine again! I was so stiff I could barely move.

When I realized my couch seemed really hard, I wondered if I’d fallen asleep on the floor. I tried to open my sleep-crusted eyes, but they were so heavy.

Then I went to bring my hands up to rub my eyes and couldn’t move them.

What the hell?

In a panic, my eyes suddenly cleared, and I lifted my head to see where the hell I’d ended up. Did I break my arms when I fell?

That was when I saw I was lying on an old cot with my hands duct-taped together and then tied to the top edge of the cot. My ankles were also taped together and tied to the foot.

Holy shit! Holy shit! Oh my God!

Gasping, I started to hyperventilate. My face and arms were tingly, and I couldn’t catch my breath.

Where the hell am I, and what the hell is going on?

Once I’d woken up fully, I remembered falling down in my apartment and hitting my head, but that was it. Suddenly, the memory of a man’s voice rushed back to me.

There’d been a man in my apartment. Yes! I couldn’t get the door to shut! He must’ve been the reason. Oh God, why did I drink so much?

Trying to calm down, I wondered how long I had been out. What time was it? I looked around, trying to see if there were any clues to my location. Every movement made my head feel like it was on the verge of exploding.

It looked like an old trailer of some sort, with an interior door at the end. So there was some kind of other room down there. An office maybe? I noticed a crappy-looking desk with boxes stacked on it and next to it. A chair with a broken leg sat in the corner toward the foot of the cot with a rolling chair across from me by the desk.

There were coats hanging on a row of hooks on the wall, but they had a thick coating of dust on them, so I figured it was pretty safe to assume they hadn’t been used in a while. The whole place looked dirty and unused.

There was a beat-up looking metal door up past the head of the cot. A single visible window appeared to be boarded up, but I could see sunlight seeping through the sliver-like openings. The tiny beams of light were like searchlights to my sensitive eyes.

So it was daytime, anyway. Did I lose an entire day though? Was it Thursday or Friday? Jesus, my brothers had to be wondering where the heck I was.

Colton would be pissed because I hadn’t answered or called him back.

Please God, let someone be looking for me.

Hell, my head hurt.

My heart started to race.

Terrified and panicking, I pulled and jerked on the tape around my wrists but only succeeded in rubbing them raw. What was going to happen to me? Desperately, I tried to collect my thoughts. I needed to think. I didn’t hear anyone in the trailer, but they could be right outside.

Oh God, I don’t want to die. My little girl needed me. She was just a baby. And her daddy, I’d just found him again. I loved him, and he didn’t even know how much. Oh dear God, sweet Jesus, I loved him.

Crying, I pulled frantically again at my bound wrists. No matter how hard I pulled or struggled, it wouldn’t rip. The tape was moving on my wrists, but I couldn’t get it off!

I’d pulled at it so much that the fucking tape had cut into my wrists, making me bleed.

Shit. Pull it together, Steph. You have to think!

I started to hyperventilate again.

Breathe. Breathe, Steph. Slowly. In. Out. Deep breaths.

Shit, my boob was spasming. Could hyperventilating or stress make your boobs spasm? No. It stopped. It must’ve been in my head.

Hot tears ran unchecked down my face and into my hair as I lay my head down and squeezed my eyes shut. Between my head feeling like it was going to explode and the stiffness in my arms and legs, I couldn’t stop crying.

Fuck, I was hurting and scared. Please, God, help me….

My boob started to spasm again. What the hell is happening to me? My boobs were going to fall off from the stress. It had me wondering if I was having a heart attack.

Then I remembered.

Wait. Wait a minute. Shit, Steph, you freaking idiot! You stuffed your phone down your bra! Cripes! I had my phone. He didn’t know my phone was in my bra!

Then I wondered how I was going to get at it. It wasn’t like I could get my hands loose.

I cried more but tried to stay quiet in case whoever took me was outside. One thing I was sure of was I wasn’t ready to die, but I was afraid I was going to when they came in.

Then it hit me that I needed to pee, and I worried I was going to have to lie there and pee myself. Maybe I did want someone to come in.

Maybe they were going to ransom me. No, because my family wasn’t wealthy.

At the desolation overtaking me, I started crying harder until I was so worn out that I fell asleep.

Rattling woke me, and my gaze flew toward the door in a panic.

If my phone rang, my captor would hear the vibration. Praying harder than I ever had in my life, I hoped no one called.

The door swung open slowly, and I heard someone coming up metal steps. A man with a ball cap came in and turned his back to me as he began to set things down. I tried to think of a plan, but there was nothing I could do while I was bound like this.

It hit me that I needed to beg to use the bathroom; then maybe I could access my phone. That way I could activate the app that would signal Erik and the MC. Then they’d know something was wrong and could track me.

My heart rate calmed a little once I sort of had a plan. Hopefully he let me go to the bathroom before someone called the damn thing again.

The man turned to me, and I almost swallowed my tongue.

Michael. I shouldn’t have been surprised, but I was.

Because I couldn’t believe he’d do something like that. I thought he was just possessive or needy. Or maybe a little wacko. I didn’t think he would resort to kidnapping. Shit.

A shudder coursed through me when he looked up and we made eye contact.

Jesus, he looked deranged. Something must have freakin’ snapped in him. He barely looked like the same person. Of course, his obviously broken nose and the fading bruises on his face didn’t help. Those must’ve been courtesy of Colton. Shit, he did a number on him.

It almost looked like his eye socket had been crushed, because his left eye was swollen and droopy.

“I see you’re awake, baby. I was wondering if you’d hit your head too hard and you weren’t going to wake up. That would’ve been disappointing”—a maniacal grin further distorted his face“—because I wanted to be able to see your face when I enjoy the favors you denied me but gave to that piece-of-shit nasty-ass biker. Thanks to him, no woman will ever look at me without disgust in her eyes. After I taste your treasures, I’m going to make sure you know how I feel. We’ll see how bad he wants a piece of your ass after I’ve made you bleed and destroyed you. Neither him nor any other man will be attracted to you then.” His laugh sounded like a creepy hyena.

Oh dear God in heaven. No.

When the word refused to form, I shook my head. That set off the pounding in my head again, and nausea rushed in. More tears leaked out of my already swollen eyes.

Trying to calm myself wasn’t easy, but I needed to get at my phone. I couldn’t let him see me fall apart.

Breathe, Steph.

“Michael, I don’t know what you’re talking about. I haven’t done anything with any biker. Remi’s dad is a biker, yes, but we’re just friends. What we had was one night years ago, and that’s over and done. Nothing happened between us while I was up there.” I tried to look calm and slightly pleading. I needed him to believe me, despite my heart feeling like it was going to burst. It was running at about a hundred miles an hour.

Though the rapid pulse in my neck had to be a dead giveaway.

“No. No. No. No. No, Steph, honey. I saw you with him. You can’t lie to me. He dropped you off at your car. You were on his motorcycle, Steph. I saw you.” He spoke to me almost like I was a small child he was scolding. God, he was freaking the crap out of me.

“Yes, he gave me a ride back to my car from my friend’s house. That’s all. I’d ridden with my friend from high school to her house from the little town bar. He was there to see her, and he gave me a ride back. It really wasn’t what you’re thinking.” Please believe this load of crap, please, please, please.

“Then what was he doing at your house later? Did you forget he did this to me?” He pointed at his deformed face as he screamed.

“Michael.” I tried a soothing tone. “He didn’t know who you were, and he just saw someone he thought was hurting me. He’s protective of all women. It wasn’t anything special. He’d come by to see Remi because I’d told him he could.” I needed to get him to calm down long enough for me to use my phone.

“I need to go to the bathroom. Is there a bathroom I can use?” Then I needed to try to hold my sanity together. Oh, and keep him from raping me and torturing me.

Yeah, piece of cake. Holy shit, I was so screwed. Totally not how I thought my life would go.

He pulled out a wicked-looking knife from the pile of things he’d set inside the door. When he began to walk toward me with it, panic blossomed.

Oh God, Colton, I’m so sorry I didn’t give credence to your worries about this crazy asshole.

Sweat broke out between my shoulder blades and across my brow. Though I was terrified, I was desperately trying to keep him from seeing how truly shaken I was. My mind shouted at me to fight, yell, do something, but I was paralyzed as I watched him come closer.

The razor-sharp tip touched the sensitive skin under my jaw. My breath was erratic, and I was on the verge of screaming. Despite my valiant efforts, tears formed in the corners of my eyes from both the pain and fear.

If anyone had asked me if you could taste fear, I would’ve looked at them and laughed. Now I could tell you fear did have a taste.

Fear was metallic and acidic.

Fear dried your mouth, preventing words from forming on your lips.

Fear smelled too. It smelled like ash.

“You better not try anything stupid, Steph. There is nowhere for you to go, and no one will hear you if you scream. But I’ll have to punish you if you do, because you will have disobeyed me. Don’t piss me off, Steph. Don’t make me kill you….” Seeming to derive great pleasure in his actions, he pushed the tip of the blade farther in until a warm trickle ran down the side of my neck.

I whimpered and tried not to cry. Or move much.

“Please, I won’t do anything stupid. I promise,” I whispered.

He sliced through the rope tying my wrists to the cot and then the tape at my feet. He left the tape around my wrists and dragged me back to the door by it. The movement caused my wrists to burn.

After he opened the door, he flung me through the doorway. There was nothing in the room except for some old cloth tarps piled in a corner. I looked at him in question, wondering how the heck I was supposed to go to the bathroom.

“Wait here,” he ordered as he turned back to the main room, returning with a paint-splattered five-gallon bucket and a roll of toilet paper. He dropped the bucket against the wall and handed me the roll, then stood there looking at me.

“Um, can I have a little privacy? It’s not like I can go anywhere.” I gestured toward the windowless walls. Where the hell did he think I was going to go?

I needed him out of the room so I could use my phone, and I sure as shit didn’t want to have to pee in front of him. How fricking humiliating!

“Don’t try anything sneaky, Steph. I’m not in the mood.”

“I won’t.” I tried to look meek and submissive.

He gave me a glare and backed out of the room, closing the door. Breathing a sigh of relief, I worked my bound hands to get my phone from my bra. I fumbled it as I pulled it out, and it slipped from my hand. Thankfully, I caught it against my chest with my forearms.

Oh my God, that was close. Trying to multitask, I pulled down my jeans and perched on the bucket. Jesus, it was uncomfortable. The edge of the bucket painfully dug into my ass and legs. As I peed, I opened my phone, turning it completely silent with no vibration.

First, I sent a group message to Erik, Colton, and my brothers.

Me: help me locator activated

There was so much more I wanted to say, but I didn’t want to waste precious time or get caught.

Then I went to the locator app, clicking on it to send off the signal like they showed me.

Noticing my battery life was low, I prayed they’d get the message and info before it died.

Not sure where to put it, I set the phone on the ground. Trying to hurry, I shoved it under the tarps with one foot before trying to grab for the toilet paper. The bucket wobbled as I reached, and I almost fell over.

“What’s taking you so long?” Michael asked through the door as the doorknob rattled.

“Wait! I’m just trying to wipe. It’s difficult with my hands like this.” Dickhole.

Thankfully, he didn’t come in. I was able to wipe and drop the paper in the bucket.

I was so glad I didn’t tip the bucket as I got off it. Taking one last glance to make sure my phone was completely covered, I buttoned my pants.

The door burst open, and he looked around like he thought I was up to something. Thank goodness I’d been able to get my pants done up. It was my only protective barrier between us. I didn’t have much, so I clung to what I had.

Snarling, he jerked me by my wrists back out to the room. He pushed me onto the cot, where I landed on my bound wrists, falling forward on my face. Though it was a struggle, I was able to push myself back into a sitting position with my back against the wall.

Warily, I watched as he paced in the small space. The knife sat on the edge of the desk, making me wish my hands weren’t bound. Of course, I had no idea if I could get to it before he stopped me.

The more important question was if I could I actually stab him if it came down to it. I didn’t know, but I needed to figure out something in case they didn’t find me for a while.

IT WAS ABOUT SIX o’clock Friday night when I pulled in to Des Moines. I met up with Sam and Sean at Stephanie’s apartment.

After I’d received their message earlier, I could barely contain my anger and fear. Snow let me head out early after I told him what was going on, so I grabbed my go-bag and then hit the road.

The whole way down, their words ran like a taunting mantra through my head: “She’s gone.”

Steph’s apartment door had been ajar when they’d arrived. They’d cautiously pushed the door open to find her purse with the contents scattered across the floor. The small table inside the doorway was knocked sideways with her mail toppled off and scattered as well.

Steph hadn’t answered anyone’s phone calls or text messages since early last night, and her phone was missing. I prayed she had it on her, and I had Hacker trying to track it. She hadn’t initiated the locator app. That made me worried that whoever had her also had her fucking phone.

Shit. Damn it, Steph, where the fuck are you?

Her brothers had already contacted the police, but since we didn’t know how long she’d actually been gone, they said there was nothing they could do until an official twenty-four hours had passed. They also said that she was a grown adult and may have just wanted to be alone.

Fucking lazy-ass cops. Assholes.

Hacker was on it, so fuck them. I was about to call him when a message popped up on my phone.

Stephanie: help me locator activated

Fucking hell! That’s my girl, smart. But fuck, is she okay? Fuck. Fuck! Fuck!

I finished dialing Hacker.

“I got it, man. I’m fucking on it.” Hacker’s tone was the most serious I’d heard him in a while. He said she’d initiated the locator, but she must have a bad signal because it was coming and going. Because of that, he was having a hard time tracking it down to an exact location.

“Give me something, man. Fuck! Just get me to the general location so we can start fucking looking. I can’t just sit here!” I knew I was being a real dick with Hacker, but I could feel bad later. I was going fucking crazy.

My mind was spinning with possibilities. I was pretty sure that piece of shit had her, but our club had enemies too. What if one of them had found out about her?

Fuck! I ran my hand through the hair on top of my head, scattering it every direction. I could hear Hacker clicking away on his keyboard. Then I heard him swear.

“Shit! Goddammit!” There was a crash as he swore a blue streak.

“What? Hacker, what the fuck?” He was scaring the shit out of me.

“The locator stopped, bro. It fucking stopped. I didn’t have a pinpoint location yet!” The frustration and fear were clear in his voice. “Bro, I am so fucking sorry. I’ll let Snow know what’s going on.” He gave me the closest coordinates he had, which was a pretty broad area. Then Sam, Sean, and I headed out.

I prayed we could find her before anything happened to her. I’d never forgive myself if she was fucking hurt.

The coordinates took us to the outskirts of town. There was a lot of construction there. Old buildings and ratty-ass houses being torn down, remodeling of old buildings, new construction, you name it.

The few people walking around didn’t make eye contact. They either looked homeless or were hurrying to get to where they were going.

Shit, she could’ve been in any of the dilapidated buildings. We needed to spread out and look separately to cover more ground. It was almost overwhelming.

Breathing deep, I allowed the cold-blooded hunter to come out. God help the motherfucker who’d taken her, because I was going to bring him with me to hell.

I WAS DIRTY, HUNGRY, and exhausted.

Everything hurt, and I knew I’d lost blood from the abrasions on my wrists. Not to mention the cuts all over my body.

Delusions were creeping in because I hadn’t slept much. I’d been too afraid Michael would come back to torture me again. I’d lost track of how many times he’d come and gone.

Between crying and Michael’s fists, my eyes were nearly swollen shut. He’d hit me in the face when I’d screamed the first time the blade nicked me. When he’d cut my clothes off, the blade sliced between my breasts, causing me to scream at the burning pain. It seemed like the sight of my blood had turned him on, because he got great pleasure from trailing the knife along my skin. Every so often, he poked the tip into my flesh.

He’d initially cut my shirt off so he didn’t have to free my hands. As he’d jerked my pants off, I fought him by kicking and screaming. That had earned me a cuff upside my head, making me see stars.

After that, he’d gagged me with a filthy rag and run tape around my head to hold it in my mouth. It had pulled my hair, and I battled puking because I was deathly afraid I’d choke on it.

During the entire hideous ordeal, I’d fought to maintain consciousness. Fear kept me awake because of what he may do to me without my knowledge if I passed out.

When he’d run his filthy hands up my legs and slid his fingers under the edges of my panties, I’d whimpered and cried, trying not to earn another beating. As his fingers brushed against me and slid down to fondle me, I couldn’t help it. I’d screamed through the gag, thrashing and kicking. His fist connected with my abdomen over and over. I wasn’t sure, but I thought he may have broken one of my ribs. It hurt so much to breathe.

Little did I know that would only be the beginning.

He’d then tied my hands above my head, still bound together, my elbows bent above my head and my fingertips brushing the ground. Then he’d tied my feet so my legs were spread and each knee was off the sides of the cot with my heels touching the floor.

By then I was shamelessly sobbing into the gag.

Using the knife, he’d made superficial cuts along my left thigh, working up toward my abdomen. I couldn’t stop crying. The pain and terror were indescribable. When he was done slicing up my leg, he moved on to my breast. With near glee, he’d stabbed me—not too deep, just enough to scare the shit out of me because I’d thought he was going to kill me. He’d laughed at my muffled pleading.

When he began stripping out of his clothes, I frantically shook my head as my sobs increased. His member hung flaccid between his legs as he climbed on the cot with me, half lying on top of me.

“You’re going to have to suck on me to make me hard. You’re so pathetic I can’t even get hard looking at you.” Spittle sprayed my face as he laughed and rubbed his body on mine, smearing my blood all over us.

Then he leaned down like he was going to kiss me, but instead he licked the side of my face. He fucking licked my face. I gagged again, choking on my sobs. God, forgive me, but I wished he would just kill me.

Because I’d given up on anyone finding me.

Brutally, he squeezed and twisted my breasts, bruising the tender tissue before biting them. The crazy asshole fucking bit me. I had no idea if he’d broken the skin or not, but the pain made me stiffen and arch off the cot, screaming through the gag.

“Yes, oh yes, baby, rub up against me. I love that.” His damp breath ran across the side of my head as he whispered in my ear. Mortified, I jerked my head, turning away from him.

He grabbed me by the hair, twisting my head back to face him as he held the knife to my face and licked across the tape over my mouth. Sick fuck. God, I hated him. I prayed and prayed for some form of salvation.

As his vile breath blew hot over my face, he cut through the tape in front of my ear. I knew he’d cut my face because warm liquid trickled down to the bottom of my ear and neck. But I couldn’t do anything to stop him. He ripped off the tape, pulling my skin painfully and ripping out some of my hair. The sharp pain caused me to wince and yelp in pain, which earned me another backhand across my face.

“Shut up! I told you, you don’t make any noise unless I tell you to!” When he grabbed hold of his flaccid member and tried to shove it in my face, I shook my head. Trying to avoid what I knew was inevitable, I fought the best I could.

He grabbed me viciously by my jaw, holding my head still. “Don’t even think about biting me, Steph, or I’ll cut your throat now and be done with you.”

Afraid he would follow through with his threat, I cried silent tears. They ran down the sides of my head, pooling in my ears before running into my matted, filthy hair. Helpless, I lay there as he proceeded to shove his nasty, soft penis in my mouth with one hand as he held my mouth open with the other.

I refused to give him the satisfaction of actually sucking on him. He was insane if he thought I would.

Then he stooped to a new low I couldn’t believe anyone would by threatening my daughter. My sweet, innocent Remi. I did it because I didn’t want his deprivation anywhere near her.

I was ashamed of my actions, but what choice did I have? I couldn’t let him have anything to do with my baby girl. For the millionth time, I was thankful I’d found Colton and she’d at least have her daddy. I prayed he’d be able to protect her.

Hoped he wouldn’t let this sick bastard near her.

Michael continued grunting and gagging me until he pulled out and came on my face and hair. I just lay there staring at the ceiling.

Disassociating, I drifted further and further into my head to escape my reality. He’d then patted my cheek like a small child, “You were such a good girl. Was that so difficult?”

I couldn’t believe it when he got up, dressed, and went to the door.

“I’ll see you in the morning, Steph. I can’t wait to feel you again. Tomorrow, I’ll have all of you. Then maybe I’ll deliver you to your precious biker. Dump you on his doorstep. We’ll see how much he wants you after you’re used up. Or maybe I’ll keep you around for a while, plant my baby in that belly first and make him watch it grow in you. I haven’t decided.”

My eyes closed as he shut the door. I heard what sounded like a padlock snapping closed, but I continued to stare at the ceiling until sobs escaped from between my lips.

I didn’t know how much more I could take.…

I COULDN’T BELIEVE WE hadn’t seen anything all night.

Sam, Sean, and I had combed all through that shithole area. We didn’t see any sign of that asshole, his truck, or Stephanie.

Motherfucker! Where the hell is she? My heart ached when I briefly wondered if that piece of shit had already killed her.

No! No fucking way!

I would’ve fucking known. She was my angel. She’d kept me going through situations I didn’t think I’d live through. There was no way that I wouldn’t feel if she was gone.

We headed back to Stephanie’s apartment to recoup and try to call the cops again. I had zero faith in the fucking cops. Those bastards didn’t give a fucking rat’s ass about her. They had pretty much hinted that maybe she’d run off with a guy.

Are you fucking kidding me? Really? Stupid fucks.

She was out there somewhere. She’d never run off and leave Remi behind.

Unable to sleep, I’d gone out to search again. I’d been up and down alleys, side streets, and through parking garages that seemed like they’d collapse at any moment.

Needing a break, I sat on the ground in an alley, leaning against a brick building and listening to the rats scurrying behind the dumpster and boxes next to me.

With a start, I jolted awake. I hadn’t meant to fall asleep.

Running my hands roughly along my face, I tried to focus. Fuck, I should’ve stayed at the apartment and tried to get some sleep. Part of the reason I couldn’t sleep earlier had been because it didn’t seem fair to sleep when my angel was missing.

Instead, I’d dozed off against the wall like a bum.

Damn, I was fucking stiff. I stood and took a piss over by the dumpster.

I climbed on my bike, preparing to ride around the area again.

That was when I heard a vehicle coming. I wasn’t sure if it was the guys coming back or some random Joe on his way to work, so I rolled my bike forward.

An old, rusted Chevy truck in a disgusting shade of mustard yellow was coming up the road. Shit, it wasn’t either of theirs.

I’d been on the verge of starting my bike as the truck slowly drove by. If I hadn’t been paying attention, I would have missed the driver.

Fucking A! It’s him!

I shot off a mass text to everyone to let them know I’d found him and was going to follow him.

I’d moved forward to watch him from the edge of the alley. Trying to be careful, I stayed back far enough that he wouldn’t see me.

He turned down a street about three blocks up, and I continued to slowly creep behind him, keeping my eye on the street he turned on. He entered a fenced construction site.

Not wanting him to hear my bike, I got as close as I could and parked in the nearest alley. After making sure he wasn’t coming back out, I crept closer, then over to the fence, noting he’d chained the gate.

There were several trailers parked in the fenced area, and I assumed it must be a storage site for one of the construction companies.

It wasn’t the one he worked for because Hacker had found every jobsite they were working and owned. We’d checked all that shit out first.

We’d actually returned to that area to search again before the guys headed back to the apartment. We’d driven by that area several times. When we hadn’t seen any vehicles or signs of life, we’d written it off.

Fuck, he must’ve left by the time we’d gone by there.

After a search of the perimeter, I found a loose section of fence I was able to pull back because the attachments had broken. It looked like someone had hit it with a car. Lucky for me.

Uncaring of my safety, I crawled and scooted through the small opening. It tore my shirt where the rough edges of the fence caught it. The whole time I inched my way through, I was looking for the shitty truck.

Leaning against one trailer at a time, I carefully looked around each corner. Slowly, I made my way through the lot. The truck was parked toward the middle up against one of the trailers.

Motherfucker, I have you now.

Leaning carefully on the exterior so I didn’t make noise, I placed my ear against it to see if I could hear anything inside. At first, I didn’t hear a thing. Then I heard a male talking. There wasn’t another voice, so it didn’t seem like he had any accomplices with him. To be sure, I listened a little longer.

Nothing. On the other hand, I didn’t hear any female voices, either.

Shit.

That was when I heard a scream.

Okay, fuck the stealth shit. I need in there.

I’d only noticed the one window as I’d made my way around the trailer, and it was boarded up. There was a shitty-ass set of metal stairs going up to the beat-up door. And of course the fucking door opened to the outside.

Fuck.

So much for kicking it in and having the element of surprise.

There was an open hasp with a lock hanging from one side, but that didn’t mean he hadn’t locked the fucking handle.

After I pulled out my pistol, I ensured I had a bullet chambered. Granted, I wasn’t as comfortable with my pistol as I was with my sniper rifle, but I could hold my own.

Praying it wasn’t locked, I grabbed the handle slowly so it didn’t fucking rattle. Standing to the side, I slung it open as I launched up the stairs and in the door. The sight that greeted me made my blood run cold.

Michael was holding a fucking Ka-Bar knife. The blood covering her barely registered. I didn’t even have time to check her before he looked up at me.

His eyes were glassy and had a crazed look. I’d seen that look in the eyes of people who had snapped in combat and knew there was little hope of reasoning with him. That was fine by me, because I’d be happy to put a bullet between his eyes, but I tried anyway.

“Get away from her. Back the fuck up now, you piece of shit.” My voice came out low and gravelly. Turning into the detached and trained killer that still lurked within me, I stuffed my fear and worry for Stephanie to the back of my mind.

There was no way he was leaving there alive, but I needed to get him away from her. What happened next occurred in the blink of an eye. Training and instinctive reaction were all I had when I watched him smile at me in an evil, sadistic way.

“You’re too late to be her hero. She’s damaged goods now. You’re just too fucking late. How’s it feel?” He raised the knife above her lifeless-looking body. As he started the downward plunge, I pulled my trigger smoothly.

A shocked expression interrupted his maniacal cackle, and blood seeped out of the hole that was now in the middle of his forehead. He toppled forward, and I watched in sick horror as the knife continued its descent into Stephanie’s abdomen. She screamed as the knife entering her body shook her from her pain and trauma-induced haze.

Kicking his lifeless body away, I knelt at her side, pulled out my phone, and dialed 911.

Shit, I was thankful I’d taken my cut off. That was publicity the club did not need. I explained to the operator what had happened, where we were, and that they needed to hurry.

I left my phone on speaker and dropped it to the floor as I focused my attention on my angel. It took everything I had not to lose my shit when I saw the knife sticking out of her side. All the bruising and blood covering her body was surreal.

The smell of blood nearly made me lose my guts as it brought back another time where I was helpless to save someone who’d counted on me. Though I hated seeing it there, I didn’t dare take the knife out. There was no way to know what it had hit or what damage might result from pulling it out.

“Stephanie, can you hear me? I’m here. You’re going to be okay, baby. I’ll take care of you. God, I’m so fucking sorry I didn’t get here sooner.”

Her eyes stared at me, but they were glazed in such agony, I wasn’t sure if she heard or recognized me.

While I waited, I pulled out my own knife. The least I could do was release her from the sides of the filthy cot. Blood was seeping from a wound on her side. I cut one of the sleeves off my shirt and used it to put pressure on it.

My hands shook as I took the remains of my denim shirt and laid it over her nude body to provide her a semblance of modesty.

Gently, I brushed her matted hair back from her face. What was once as bright as pure spun gold in the sunlight now barely resembled straw. Her eyes were swollen, and the usual bright blue—what was visible, anyway—was dull and lifeless. I gently brushed my lips across her parched and cracked ones.

“Colton?” Her voice was a choked, dry whisper. She looked confused and unable to focus. Then she closed her eyes halfway, and she was gone. I couldn’t see her breathing.

“Fuck. No! Fucking God, Jesus, no.” My trembling hands patted her face.

“Nooooooooooooo!” The voice screaming in agony and denial barely registered as my own as I realized there were sirens outside. Then someone was trying to pull me away from the only woman I’d ever loved.

When you die, your soul doesn’t understand or believe you’ve died. I know this now.

Calmly, I stood beside Colton as he clung to the bloody and beaten young woman in front of him. It was a tragic scene.

I didn’t understand what was going on. What had happened to her? He had the look of someone consumed with grief.

Why was he so heartbroken? Did he love her? I had no hope with him if that was the case.

When the paramedics rushed into the trailer, I stepped back to get out of their way. They gently but deftly moved him back from the body. They were assessing the male body on the floor as well.

They said the man was gone and the female wasn’t breathing, but she may have a faint heartbeat. Confused, I watched as they worked on her.

At a loss, I knelt by Colton and kissed his head as he held his face in his hands and sobbed on his knees. He was so upset, he didn’t even register I was there.

I watched as they loaded the woman on a stretcher, trying to keep her covered. The poor thing wasn’t even dressed. And there was so much blood.

They called into the handsets of their radios to tell the hospital they were on their way and that she would need the surgeon. Then one of them yelled they were losing her as they rushed to load her in the ambulance.

A policeman was talking to Colton outside, but he still wouldn’t talk to me. He sobbed my name, and I tried to go to him. It started getting so bright out, I could barely see him. When I yelled to him, he didn’t even look at me. I tried to get a policeman’s attention, but no one heard me.

“Someone listen to me! What is going on?” I screamed.

The light was so bright, it swallowed me. Everywhere around me was white. Then I heard murmuring, and a wave of calm and comfort swept over me. The disjointed voices said it wasn’t my time and I “still have things to do.”

That was when it hit me that I was the broken and bloody woman.

I had died.

When that realization dawned, everything started to go black.

“No! Wait! Where am I? What’s happening?”

No one answered as the blackness engulfed me.

My eyes opened with so much effort, as if my eyelids were weighted. They burned, and when I tried to look around to see where I was, I gasped in pain. Everything hurt.

“Shhh. It’s okay, Mrs. Quinn. I’m right here. My name is Kristina. I’m your nurse.” She pointed to a small whiteboard that listed her as my nurse for the day. “Your husband will be so happy to see you’re finally awake. I hate to wake him since he hasn’t slept since they brought you to us after your surgery.” Looking toward the voice, I noticed a young nurse with a brunette ponytail hanging down her back, changing out a bag of fluids by my bedside.

“I’ll be right back,” she said as she rushed out of the room. She returned quickly with a cup of ice and a spoon.

“What happened? How long have I been here?” My voice croaked and my mouth was so incredibly dry, it was like I’d been eating cotton balls.

The nurse turned to me with kind eyes, spooning a few pieces of ice and offering them to me.

I allowed the cold chips to melt across my tongue. Nothing had ever tasted so amazing, and I closed my eyes in momentary bliss.

“I don’t, uhhh… have a husband?” I questioned the nurse as I looked over at the dark head resting on the side of my bed. The man had my hand held in his, and his soft breath puffed across our clasped hands as he slept.

“It’s okay, you may have gaps in your memory for a little while. You went through a very traumatic experience. Your husband has been fiercely protective and worried about you. He hasn’t left your side once.” She smiled warmly, and it reached her light hazel eyes. “I can only pray I find such love and devotion one day.”

She placed a small box in my hand connected to the bed by a cord, telling me to press the red button if I needed anything and that she was going to let the doctor know I was awake so they could start pain meds I had control over.

Huh?

My right hand brushed back the long, dark hair that had fallen over the man’s face. Even that little movement made me gasp with pain.

At my touch, sky blue eyes popped open, momentarily disoriented. He raised his head in surprise, his mouth slightly agape. His hand shot out and touched my face in a tender caress.

“Stephanie? You’re awake! Oh God, baby, you’re fucking awake!”

Colton… it was Colton. Here with me in a hospital. What the hell is going on?

“Colton? What happened? Why are you here? For that matter, why am I here?” I knew I hurt everywhere, but I was so confused. Truth be told, there was no one I’d rather see when I woke, but I didn’t understand what was going on.

“The nurse said you’re my… husband? Colton, what’s going on? What happened? Why are we here?” I needed answers, because I was starting to seriously freak out.

“Baby, it’s okay. Don’t get upset. You’re making your heart rate shoot through the fucking ceiling, and you’ll have everyone running in here again.” He pushed his hair back with the hand from my cheek, refusing to let go of the one on the bed. “I lied. It was the only way they’d let me in here with you and the only way they’d tell me anything. Your parents backed me so they wouldn’t kick me out.”

“My parents are here? And again? What do you mean, again?”

“Jesus, you’ve had us so fucking worried. After you came out of surgery, you crashed. They said they were afraid that between the damage and the shock from surgery, you may not make it. They tried to kick me out because I lost my shit.”

His eyes filled with tears before he looked away and tried inconspicuously to wipe them away. “You’ve been in a medically induced coma for what seems like forever. They brought you out of it this morning, but you hadn’t woken up yet. Your parents are here with Remi but have been taking turns with her at your apartment. None of us wanted her to see you like this. Your mom just went down to the cafeteria for some coffee.”

He’d stayed with me through all of that? My heart began to flutter in hope.

More than anything, I loved him, and I wanted him to know. Though I may not remember what happened, I knew I’d been through some shit. I needed to make sure he was aware of my feelings.

“Colton…,” I started.

But before I got a chance to tell him, the nurse came in and gave me something in my IV for pain until they could get whatever she said hooked up. It made me so tired, and my head was still killing me. My smile was weak as I tried to squeeze his hand.

“Rest, baby. We can talk later.” He kissed my fingers clasped in his as my eyelids became too heavy to hold open anymore.

I love you.

THANK FUCKING CHRIST! SHE was finally awake.

My stubborn heart refused to believe she would leave Remi and me behind, but the worry hovered at the back of my mind. Though I wasn’t sure there was a God, I’d prayed.

She obviously didn’t remember what had happened. The doctors and nurses had said she may not. They’d explained that the mind could close off traumatic events and that the memories sometimes returned, sometimes didn’t.

After seeing the state she was in when I found her, I fucking hoped she didn’t remember. Jesus fucking Christ, my heart would never be the same after that.

I had no idea what all had happened, but she’d been covered in blood. When I’d held pressure on her side and covered her, it’d been impossible to miss all the cuts and bruises.

The nurses had washed her the best they could, but her surgical sites were the only spots that were actually clean.

A couple of days ago, I’d washed her hair over a basin. When I was done, I’d finger combed all the tangles from it. Through it all, I talked to her, but she’d remained unconscious.

The nurse had said she may hear me even though she was heavily sedated. For days I’d sat and held her hand. I’d talked to her about Remi and trivial nonsense, anything that came to mind. The silence in the room had been nearly unbearable.

My anger had exploded, and I’d refused to believe them when they’d said she may not make it.

Fuck them. I knew my girl, and she was tough.

She’d gone through a fucking pregnancy and delivery by herself as a single mom. She’d been raising our little girl all by herself, not knowing where the fuck I was.

She was tenacious and loving with an amazing heart. She loved our little girl, and I fucking knew, if nothing else, she wouldn’t leave her.

Yeah, I’d lied to the staff when I told them I was her husband, and I had zero fucking remorse for that shit. In fact, it had felt so fucking right when I’d said it.

I wanted the woman for my own. Maybe she didn’t know it, and I didn’t know if she’d agree yet, but fuck if she wasn’t mine.

Mine.

The relief had been profound when the doctor told us she’d made it through surgery. Then she’d crashed, and my heart had plummeted. Her brothers had been on the phone with her parents at the time.

It had been sheer emotional chaos.

They’d had to keep her in a medically induced coma until the swelling in her brain from the beatings had diminished. They were also trying to give her body time to heal. Knowing the rationale behind what they were doing didn’t make it any easier.

The rest the doctor told me had me seeing red. She’d been raped and tortured. Cut, repeatedly stabbed, and beaten, all before the final stabbing I’d witnessed. He’d told me there was evidence that had been collected and sent to the lab, but with the suspect dead, it was merely a technicality. It would simply rule out the involvement of others.

If I hadn’t already killed him, I would’ve tortured his ass and then killed him. That piece-of-shit motherfucker.

The rest of what they’d told me had stunned me, and I was a little nervous to tell her. I didn’t know how it had happened, but it did, and I prayed she wasn’t going to flip her shit when she found out. Yeah, I’d done a lot of praying for a nonbeliever.

The guys had made the drop-off without me, and I’d felt like shit for letting them down. But I couldn’t leave her.

Snow had understood, and they’d all come by the hospital before they left to see if there were any changes. Hollywood and Hacker had stayed with me, bringing me food I had little appetite for and trying to get me to let them take over so I could get some sleep and shower.

Except I couldn’t fucking leave her. Never again, if I could help it.

Speak of the devils. They both came barreling through the door, trying to squeeze through at the same time. I glared at them for being so fucking noisy.

The cute brunette nurse came rushing over with a don’t-fuck-with-me look on her face as she confronted them both with a furious whisper.

“If you disturb your sister”—she raised disbelieving eyebrows—“my patient, you won’t be visiting for the rest of her stay.”

The two bikers had the balls to look sheepish. I almost laughed.

“No shame,” I said as I watched the two of them gawking at her ass as she walked back out to the nurses’ station. They shrugged. Shaking my head, I smirked at the two of them.

“She woke up,” I told them. “If you two assholes are done staring at her nurse’s ass, I’ll take y’all up on your offer to sit with her and use her shower. I feel like I’m nasty as fuck, and I smell like a bag of smashed assholes.”

When Hacker took my seat next to her at the side of the bed, I shot a quick text off to her mom, dad, and brothers, letting them know she’d awakened briefly and was resting again. Her brothers had both been by earlier, then returned to the apartment to help their dad with Remi.

The hot water was fucking amazing on my back, which was sore as shit from sitting in that uncomfortable-ass chair for days on end. My leg wasn’t feeling much better, and I knew I was going to suffer with it for sitting so long and letting it get stiff.

Fucking A, I’d do it all over again for Stephanie.

Quickly, I finished showering and dried off with the tiny fucking hospital towel. As much money as hospitals charged, you’d think they could get better towels.

Wiping the condensation off the mirror with my forearm, I looked at my reflection. There were dark circles under my eyes. I hadn’t really slept in forever, so go figure.

My beard needed a trim; it was getting a little long and starting to itch like hell. I may’ve rebelled against shaving, but I didn’t like having a big old bushy beard either. Shit, I needed a haircut too. Unable to do anything about it at that time, I slicked back the top and dressed in the only change of clothes I’d shoved in my saddlebags before I’d left home.

Stephanie had her eyes open and was talking to her mom and Hacker when I walked out of the bathroom. The sight of his hand holding hers had me gritting my teeth. I’d turned into a jealous, greedy fuck when it came to her.

“Quit trying to steal my woman, you fuck.” I tried to make it sound teasing, but fuck if I wasn’t a selfish bastard when it came to her affections.

“Man, what the fuck ever! Like my little Stephie would want anything to do with your ugly ass anyway.” Hacker laughed at my scowl. “Easy. Down, boy. She’s like my baby sister, dickhead.”

“Language, boys!” her mom chastised us from her seat at Stephanie’s bedside.

Hacker winked at Steph but vacated the chair so I could sit by her again. I noticed Hollywood wasn’t in the room.

“Where the hell did Hollywood run off to?”

“He’s chasing Steph’s poor nurse around the hospital.” He laughed. “She went on break, and he insisted on escorting her down to the cafeteria. Horny little fuck. That girl isn’t going to want a damn thing to do with his ass, but hell if he sees that.”

“My mom is right, you guys have terrible language. I don’t know if I should let my little girl hang around you. You may teach her bad habits.” It was good to hear Stephanie teasing and joking, even if she did sound raspy and weak.

“Hey, my little princess doesn’t have any bad habits, and she’s above picking any up,” I said with mock growly disdain. Everyone laughed at that, and I couldn’t keep the smile from breaking out on my face.

“There’re those dimples I love.” Stephanie reached out and touched my face as I sat in the chair Hacker had vacated. The slight wince as she moved didn’t go unnoticed.

I grabbed her hand, holding it to my face. Her smile faltered for a second before her face flamed and she gave a nervous laugh.

“Okayyyyyyy, then. I’m gonna go see if I can rescue that cute nurse from Hollywood’s dumb ass. I’ll leave you two for now. See ya!” Hacker quickly exited the room. I was surprised he didn’t stick around to give me more shit.

Her mom stood up when he left.

“I’m going to give you two some alone time. Do you need anything, sweetheart?” she asked her daughter.

“I’m good, Mom. Thank you so much for taking care of Remi.”

“Of course. You don’t need to thank us for that.” She gave Steph a kiss and then gave me a hug before she left.

We quietly held hands as I considered what to say.

“Stephanie, do you remember anything about what happened?” I was hesitant to ask her, but I needed to know where she was with all this.

“I remember going out for my going-away party and getting home and the door not wanting to shut. Then I remember falling over and hitting my head, but that doesn’t explain why I hurt all over and all these bandages. And you said I had surgery. Colton, what the heck happened?” She bit her lower lip, looking worried and confused.

I didn’t know what all I should tell her. The doctor said I shouldn’t push her to remember and to be careful if she seemed to be getting upset. I decided to gloss over the events until she could remember on her own.

“Michael took you, Stephanie. He kept you tied up in an old construction trailer. He… uh… he hurt you, baby, and I’m so sorry for that. I should’ve been there. I should’ve protected you. I feel like I let you down.” My shame for failing her weighed heavy on me.

On top of everything that’d happened, she’d died twice, and that gutted me.

She was quiet for quite some time before she spoke again.

“He took me? And he hurt me? God, did he… did he…?” Tears welled in her eyes, and she had a hard time finishing her question. Swallowing was difficult as I watched her twist the blanket in her fingers.

“The doctors aren’t sure exactly what he did to you.” I had a hard time meeting her eyes. It was killing me. I didn’t want to have to tell her.

Thankfully, she didn’t ask more. Maybe she was afraid of the answer.

“I want a mirror.”

“Uhhh, I don’t think there’s one in here.” Nervous, I hesitated. I knew she wouldn’t want to see her face. It was swollen on one side, she had two black eyes that were still puffy, bruises all over, and sutures along the side of her face in front of her ear.

“Get me a mirror, Reaper!” Her use of my road name was a sure sign she was angry.

Resigned, I went rifling through the small bag her mother had brought. At the bottom, I found a compact in her toiletries bag. Reluctantly, I handed it to her.

“The doctors said it will all heal. It’ll take some time, but the scar will fade. That I know from experience,” I rushed out before she saw her reflection. Believe me, I knew how devastating scars on your face could feel.

“Oh my God, Colton… I was so stupid. I should’ve listened to you when you were worried about him. Now I’m so disgusting. Filthy. I wouldn’t blame you for hating me. The things he must’ve done. I’m ruined, and you don’t deserve that.” Tears leaked from the corners of her eyes, and she dropped the mirror to her lap as she averted her face from me.

“Stephanie—” I said before she cut me off.

“Please leave. I don’t want you to look at me. Good God, I’m fucking hideous.”

“No! Don’t you do this to yourself! This was not your fault. You’re beautiful to me, and I do not hate you, nor could I hate you for something some stupid-ass fucker did to you! That will all heal.” She was pissing me off. She was fucking gorgeous inside and out, and I hated that she was feeling that way because of that asshole.

“Go!” she screamed. Of course, that got the nurse running in there in a blur of turquoise scrubs, with Hollywood, Hacker, and Stephanie’s mother on her heels.

“Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to leave if you’re going to upset your wife. She needs to stay calm so she doesn’t tear any of her sutures.” The nurse was trying really hard to look like a badass. It was cute. Yeah, no fucking nurse was going to kick me out of my girl’s room.

“I want him to leave,” Stephanie said in a muffled voice. She had her hands over her face as she lay in her bed crying. Her mom looked at us with sympathy as she tried to console her baby girl.

“Sir, I need you to leave for a while. Just give her some time to calm down and rest,” the nurse said quietly as she stepped between me and Stephanie. Hollywood and Hacker came closer, and Hollywood placed his arm around my shoulder.

“Come on, bro. Let’s go grab a bite to eat and let your girl chill. We can check on her in a bit. She’ll probably be better then. Okay?” He was trying to talk quietly so Stephanie couldn’t hear and argue with him.

Trying not to lose my cool, I shook off his arm and turned to the bed.

“I’ll be back, baby. Fucking wild horses couldn’t keep me away from you. You are beautiful. Always.” I took a fortifying breath. “You. Are. Mine. Please, don’t make me stay away.” My voice fucking cracked as I begged her not to shut me out. My heart was breaking for her and for the rift building between us.

When she didn’t answer, I stuffed my hands in my pockets and stalked out of the room. I needed some wind therapy.

Fuck.

OH MY GOD. I looked like total hell. How could I look like that and not remember what’d happened to me? How could Colton look at me and not think I was disgusting?

The nurse was checking the machines I was hooked up to. Swallowing with difficulty, I watched her. For a moment I hesitated, but I needed to know. Desperately, I fought back more tears as I spoke.

“Kristina? Can you please tell me what happened to me? I need to know exactly what’s wrong. I can’t remember any of it.” I was so confused, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t remember anything that happened. That made me angry and frustrated, which led to my head pounding.

She looked at me, then at the floor before she took a deep breath and slowly let it out. “Let me get your doctor to explain it, okay?”

Heart in my throat, I nodded.

It wasn’t long before the nurse followed a woman in a white coat into the room.

“Hello, Mrs. Quinn. I’m Dr. North,” she said.

“Stephanie,” I corrected.

“Of course. Stephanie.” She smiled. She barely looked old enough to be a doctor.

Grabbing the chair, she sat down beside me. She made me feel better by doing that. Somehow I didn’t feel like she was looking down her nose at me.

“Are you okay with me talking in front of your guest?” She glanced my mother’s way.

I nodded, and she took a deep breath.

“You went into hypovolemic shock from blood loss and dehydration, suffered abrasions to both wrists and ankles, your cheekbone is fractured, you have several severely bruised ribs, and you suffered from a collapsed lung on arrival. You have multiple lacerations to the side of your face, abdomen, and legs, and significant stab wounds to your left breast and abdomen,” she explained.

She glanced down briefly, then returned her gaze to mine. “Stephanie… there was evidence of rape, and you also had been… um… bitten several times.” Her face blanched as she tried to maintain a professional demeanor. “The stab wound to your abdomen was what required surgery. Because you’d lost so much, you received two pints of blood. Thankfully, and fortunately for your recovery, it didn’t severely damage any major organs. It did nick your liver and intestines, but the integrity of the intestinal wall was preserved. In other words, it didn’t go all the way through. The surgeons recommended we keep you in a medically induced coma due to the trauma to your brain. There was a brain bleed and swelling noted on your scans. Combine all that with your cardiac arrest after surgery, and well, that’s a lot. You have a fairly long road to recovery, but not as long as it could’ve been.”

Again, she hesitated. “Were you aware that you were pregnant?” she asked with a weak smile.

Speechless, I knew I was staring at her like she’d sprouted a third eye.

“Excuse me?” I finally choked out. Surely I’d heard her wrong. It was likely due to the shock of all the things that’d happened to me. All the things I had no memory of. Perhaps she’d looked at someone else’s chart. Then denial set in.

“I am not pregnant. You must have the wrong information. I have not had unprotected sex, and that was only at the most a few of weeks ago! There’s clearly a mistake.”

Colton and I had not had sex without a condom. I was sure we didn’t. No way. I shook my head until it hurt.

Again she appeared to weigh her words.

“Mrs. Quinn, there was evidence your attacker didn’t use protection. It was a blood test, which is usually extremely accurate as soon as six to eight days after ovulation. We can run them again, and I can put in an ultrasound consult now that you’re awake, but it’s up to you.” She looked a little nervous now, and I felt bad for her. It dawned on me that she had no way of knowing if the baby was my attacker’s or my husband’s.

Assumed husband, that was.

After all, she thought Colton was my husband.

Shit.

Oh my God, did they tell him? They thought he was my husband! They may’ve thought he knew. I groaned and covered my face with my hands. My mother let out a soft whimper from the corner of the room.

“Do you have any further questions for me?” she asked.

Words failed me, so I just shook my head.

After a short examination, she exited the room.

“Are you hurting again? You haven’t used your PCA yet. All you have to do is push the button. If it’s time for you to have medication, it’ll allow the machine to give it to you. Don’t worry about overdosing; the machine is designed to prevent that from happening. Just don’t let anyone else press the button for you.” Kristina was sweet, and I was thankful she was my nurse.

“No, I’m okay. Except I didn’t know I was pregnant. God, I don’t know what to do. It would have to be Colton’s, right?” My brain wouldn’t function. “What if it’s not Colton’s? Is that possible?” I closed my eyes, but the tears still escaped.

My mom held a cool washcloth to my head and whispered words of comfort much like she did when I was little.

“Steph, calm down, honey. We’ll get everything figured out,” she soothed, and I leaned into her touch.

“When can I take a shower? I feel gross.” I was shaking, and I just wanted control over something in my life.

“I’ll check with the doctor and let you know.” The nurse rested her hand on mine and gave me an encouraging smile before leaving the room.

Was my life ever going to be in my control?

Hacker and Hollywood had wordlessly followed me out of the hospital. They’d stuck with me as I raced down the highway at eighty miles per hour, chasing my demons.

It shouldn’t shock me because I’d lived with disfiguring injuries. Still, I couldn’t believe she could think she wasn’t attractive to me anymore. She was fucking gorgeous.

Not being a superficial fuck, I didn’t care about what she looked like. I fucking loved her inside and out. It didn’t matter if she had five eyes and no nose, I’d still love her.

Okay, that was a little extreme, but I’d been in love with the idea of her for years.

Shit.

I fucking loved her. When the fuck did that actually happen?

Sure, when I’d first seen her again, I’d been overwhelmed by emotion. Except I didn’t know how deeply.

Looking back, it sounded sappy as fuck, but I honestly believed I’d loved her from the first moment I saw her. She’d been my saving grace, my angel, while I was deployed and throughout my hellish recovery. I’d carried her in the back of my mind this whole time.

When I found out she’d given birth to my child? Shit.

First I was angry, thinking she’d purposefully kept my baby from me. It was stupid, but I wasn’t thinking clearly. Who would when they just found out they had been a dad for over two fucking years without knowing? I’d been a hot fucking mess.

Hell, I was an only child, and I’d lost my mom my senior year of high school and never knew my dad. Family was a rare and precious commodity to me. Deep down, I’d known she wouldn’t do that. She was too good a person, but I’d still been angry and hateful.

She truly touched and unfurled a part of my soul I thought had shriveled up and died in Afghanistan. She gave my life purpose again.

What was I going to do if she fucking turned her back on me because she couldn’t get past what had happened? I knew the dark place I’d been in after leaving the army. I couldn’t even imagine her being in that hellish place. I needed to fucking be there for her, but if she shut me the fuck out, how did I make her let me in?

We returned to Stephanie’s apartment late that night. Hollywood and Hacker split off to go have some drinks and then head to their hotel.

I’d missed Remi before she went to bed, and I hated it. But I didn’t want her to see me in that condition any more than I wanted her to see her momma the way she was.

I’d spoken with Stephanie’s parents when I arrived, bringing her dad up to speed on what was going on before he headed up to the hospital.

“I heard. I’m sorry, son,” he said.

Her mom placed her hand on my face. “Be patient with her. Things will work out.” She started to say something else, then appeared to change her mind. She looked drained from being at the hospital most of the day.

“Thanks” was all I could choke out. Feeling completely exhausted, I went to Remi’s room to crash on the floor by her bed. Close enough to listen to her soft, sweet, innocent breaths as I drifted into a restless sleep.

“Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!” I woke to Remi shaking the bars of her crib and hollering for me.

Her big grin was radiant when I opened one eye and looked up at her. One little arm was stretched through the bars toward my head, her fingers wiggling like it would make them longer.

Smiling back at her, I reached up and took her fingers in mine. “Hi, princess. Daddy’s here.” Despite my grin, I groaned as I sat up. Shit, my body couldn’t take all the abuse I’d been handing it lately.

Once upon a time, I would’ve crashed on a pile of rocks in the mountains or out on the sand in the desert and slept when and where I could. Damn, not anymore.

Creaking as I stood, I picked up the quilt I’d wrapped around me and tossed it over the end of the crib.

Reaching down, I swooped her up and into the air, plastering kisses all over her giggling face. “Daddy loves you.”

Between that little precious girl and her momma, my heart was gone. They fucking owned it.

And now… shit. Hugging Remi to me, I thought about what the doctor had told me. Remi was going to be a big sister.

Part of me wondered if it was mine.

There was what had happened with Michael, after all.

Also, I didn’t know all the details of her life before we’d found each other again.

I was going through each time with her in my mind, and I was pretty sure we’d used protection every time. No, I wasn’t fucking stupid, and I knew they weren’t infallible, but….

Hugging Remi to me tightly, I closed my eyes. Once she began to squirm, I set her down, and she ran off toward the living area in search of her grandparents and food.

Taking advantage of their voices with hers, I went to brush my teeth and get ready to go see Stephanie.

If she would see me.

IT’D BEEN ALMOST THREE weeks since my admission, and I was finally being discharged. My deepest wound had developed an infection, prolonging my stay, but after several days of IV antibiotics, the doctors had finally deemed me able to go home for the rest of my recovery.

Mom had brought me a set of clothes to wear home when she visited the day before.

There I was, dressed in my yoga pants and a baggy T-shirt to prevent too much pressure or constriction on my healing wounds. The swelling was gone from my face, and the bruising was fading to an awful greenish yellow blend. All I was waiting on was the nurse to go over my discharge instructions and for my mom to get there.

My phone rang and I smiled when I saw Becca’s face on the screen.

“Hey!”

“Hello, beautiful! A little birdie told me you’re getting sprung today!” She sounded chipper and I hoped it was sincere. She’d been trying to hide how bad things had gotten with Trevor. I hated that for her.

“Yeah, thank God. I’m so tired of this place.” I sighed.

“But at least you have that sexy man to look at. God, what are the odds that you’d find him again in your hometown? Talk about fate. Makes my heart flutter for you,” she teased.

We chatted for a few minutes before she had to go because her lunch was almost over.

Glancing at my watch, I wondered where my mother was. I really want to get out of there before Colton showed up.

He had tried to see me every day, multiple times a day, and I’d turned him away and left instructions with the staff not to let him in.

I didn’t remember what had happened to me. The doctors told me I may never recover my memories of the incident. The thought of him feeling sorry for me was too much. It made me feel like his affection was the result of guilt.

Not to mention I still felt dirty. Soiled. Ruined. Not good enough for him.

The pregnancy needed to be discussed, but I was terrified it may not be his. What if the baby was Michael’s? How exact was that crap, anyway?

How could I possibly expect Colton to want anything to do with me or the baby without knowing if it was his or not? If by some crazy chance it turned out it wasn’t his, I needed to let him go, and he needed to move on.

Right?

The nurse came in and went over all my paperwork. I’d been disappointed that it wasn’t Kristina working that day. She’d been my nurse for the majority of my stay, and I’d miss her kindness, humor, and wit.

My dad had headed back to the house late last night, and my mom was picking me up but still wasn’t there. Maybe traffic was bad. I decided to lie down and rest until she got there.

The feeling of being watched jolted me awake. I guess I’d dozed off.

Carefully, I raised myself. Trying not to pull anything too badly, I looked over to find Colton standing in the doorway with his hands in his pockets. His expression was unreadable, and I couldn’t stop my eyes from running over his body. God, he was still the sexiest man I had ever seen. Just looking at him made my heart ache.

Jesus.

He smirked, and my face heated because I knew he’d noticed my perusal of his gorgeous body.

Asshole. Why did he have to be so damn good-looking? And why was he here? Mom was supposed to come and get me.

I wanted to run my tongue across the coarse hairs of his beard and into his dimples. Argh! Stop it, Steph! Get control of yourself, for God’s sake!

“Your mom and dad headed back home with Remi. We loaded up all of your stuff this morning in your brothers’ and your dad’s trucks. Sam rode my bike back for me so I could drive you in your SUV.” He paused a moment as if hesitant. “Stephanie, we need to talk, and I thought this would be a good chance for that.” He suddenly looked tired and uncertain.

Vulnerable.

It was not the self-assured, hard-ass Colton I knew.

“Maybe we don’t have anything to talk about right now.” I looked away from the mesmerizing quality of his blue eyes and out the hospital window.

How did life go on and people in their cars just keep driving down the road when my life had been so interrupted? Didn’t it affect anyone else? A deep depression settled in at the thought of the empty chasm in my memories. It wasn’t fair.

“Then I guess we’ll spend a few hours in companionable silence. Come on, Stephanie, you can’t stay here. The nurse told me you’d been discharged and were ready to go. Please let me help you down to the car.” He stepped back out of the room and brought in a wheelchair, stopping by my bedside, placing the brakes on, and flipping up the footrests.

“You know your way around a wheelchair.” Oh shit. That was intelligent. Of course he did. Smooth. “Why do you call me Stephanie all the time? Everyone else calls me Steph, but not you.” I couldn’t help being curious, and it seemed a better topic than bringing up his wheelchair experience from his past injuries.

“Well, first, yeah, I spent more than a little bit of time in one.” He gave me a self-depreciated deprecating smile. “And second question, because you are so much more than Steph to me. I like to think you’re more special to me than to anyone else. You’re elegant, beautiful, and extraordinary. You are my Stephanie.” His eyes took on an intense shimmer as he held out a hand to help me into the chair.

Unsure, I looked at his hand as a peace offering. My desire to touch him won out, and I extended my hand to his.

As he clasped it, tingles and a physical jolt flickered through my body all the way to my toes. My eyes met his in stunned astonishment. Did he feel that? His eyes widened only slightly; had I not been looking for it, I would have missed it. Oh yeah, he noticed.

My nipples puckered under my thin lace bra in response. Of course, that drew his attention. God, did the man have radar for sexual desire?

He tried to hide his smile. Though I tried to look stern in reproof, I couldn’t stop a small chuckle from escaping. Shaking my head, I gently sat down in the chair. Shit, it hurt my stomach.

It had me wishing I would’ve taken the nurse up on her offer of a pain pill before she discharged me. A small groan escaped from my lips.

“Are you okay?” He was quickly down on one knee in front of me. Holding my hands in one of his big calloused palms, he gently stroked my hair from my face with the other.

The concern that colored his features was genuine and touching. When I wordlessly nodded, he stretched up to kiss first the cheek his fingers had caressed and then, ever so softly, my lips. He took his time ending the tender kiss. When he finally broke free, he ran the very tip of his tongue across my bottom lip.

“Jesus fucking Christ, Stephanie. You’re hurt, but your body calls to mine like a siren, and I want to taste you even now.” He rested his forehead against mine as he gathered control of his ragged breaths. “We need to get out of here and on the road. I’m such a stupid, selfish prick.”

“Are you ready, Ms. Quinn?” The nurse interrupted from the doorway.

Standing and gently placing my small overnight bag over the wheelchair handle, he surrendered me to my nurse. She pushed me out of the room and through the hospital entrance.

Colton tucked me carefully into the car and buckled my seat belt, ensuring it didn’t place undue pressure on my injuries. God, his consideration was going to be the death of me. He left me feeling so conflicted. On one hand, I craved his touch and his love, but on the other, I didn’t feel good enough for him anymore.

After getting me settled, he waved to my nurse, who repeated my instructions to stop and walk around every hour or so, and jogged around my SUV.

I watched the muscles in his arms flex and bulge as he climbed in the driver side. Fuck me, he was sexy as shit. Yeah, I wanted to taste him too. So much so that my mouth felt like it was literally watering.

It shouldn’t be normal to be sexually attracted to someone after being a victim of a sexual assault. Blinking rapidly to clear my eyes, I thought about the list of counselors from my area the nurse had given me. Though I’d told her I didn’t need it, maybe I was wrong.

He looked at me briefly, flashing those dimples like a weapon as we pulled out and into traffic, heading home to my parents’.

It was going to be a long three hours.

I could fucking smell her.

She must have showered before I got there, because her golden hair was shimmering down her back, ending in thick, looping curls. It smelled like strawberries or some fruity shit, and it was intoxicating.

My fucking cock was straining against the denim of my jeans. Fuck, I was a first-class asswipe for being horny when I knew she was still hurting. Unfortunately, I couldn’t seem to control my body’s desire for her when we were so close.

It was fucking crazy. I needed to distract myself and quick.

“So the doctors said you made an amazing recovery, all things considered.” Fucking smooth, Romeo. Why couldn’t I think of anything intelligent to fucking say to her? I knew she didn’t want to talk about her injuries.

“Yeah, I guess so.” She continued to look out the window. We’d been driving for over an hour, and we’d hardly spoken two words up until now. Her next words were so soft I was afraid I’d imagined she’d spoken. “They told you, didn’t they? About the baby.”

She chewed on her bottom lip nervously.

Oh fuck. We’re going there first.

“Yeah.”

Silence.

“Colton, I—”

“Stephanie—”

We both started to speak, and then stopped as we each waited for the other to continue. I finally broke the silence.

“Look, baby, I know condoms aren’t always 100 percent. I get that. I don’t blame you at all. Shit happens, and sometimes it’s meant to be. So Remi will be a big sister. There’re worse things in the world, right? Just promise me we’ll get through this together. I want us to at least try to be a family, Stephanie. I want that so bad, you have no idea.” I tried to get everything out in one breath before I lost my courage.

When a tear escaped her eye, I crumbled. Damn, I fucking hated to see her cry. It ripped at my soul. Shit, please don’t let her tell me no. Not now. Not ever.

“Colton, what if the baby isn’t yours?” A sob escaped her as she tried not to cry. “I don’t remember what happened. My days have all run together. I can’t even remember how long he had me. I have to go by what everyone is telling me because I can’t remember! What if this baby is his? How can I expect you to love this baby if that’s the case? I just can’t do that to you, don’t you understand?”

“Stephanie, stop it. Was there anyone in the weeks before we found each other again?” She shook her head. “Then I absolutely believe this baby is mine. The ultrasound showed that you’re too far along for it to be his. I believe they know their shit. Regardless of what may or may not have happened, this baby is a part of you, and I love you, so I’ll love this baby. Okay? You are mine. Remi is mine. This baby is mine. Period.”

She turned to me slowly, like she was in a trance, her hand frozen in midair as she had reached to wipe away another tear.

It dawned on me what I had just said. Oh shit.

Briefly, I closed my eyes before returning them to the road. Gripping the steering wheel until my knuckles were white, I quickly glanced over to her again. She still hadn’t moved. That was not exactly how I’d planned to tell her. Fuck. I was such an idiot.

“Do you mean it, Colton? Or was that a slip of the tongue?” she whispered.

“Look, baby, I don’t expect you to feel the same about me. I just needed you to know how I feel about you. This wasn’t exactly how I planned to tell you, but hey, like I said, shit happens. But yeah, I fucking love your stubborn ass. I’m fucking crazy about you, and I cannot imagine my life without you and Remi as a part of it. When I thought I’d lost you, I wanted to die with you. I couldn’t fathom going on in life without you.” I looked at her, pleading without words for her to give us a chance.

Silence enveloped us for several miles while she sat with her head resting back on the seat and her eyes closed.

“Colton, stop the car.” She reached over, grasping my arm in a death grip. I didn’t know if she was hurting or wanting to get away from me. “Reaper! Stop the fucking car!” she screamed at me. I quickly swerved over to the shoulder and hit the brakes as easy as I could without hurting her.

“Baby, what? Please don’t hate me for having shit for romance or delicacy when telling you how I feel. Don’t push me away. Please….” I’d never begged like a fucking child in my life, but for this girl? Yeah, I’d fucking beg. The thought of her walking away after I’d bared my soul to her straight-up eviscerated me.

Tears ran in a steady stream down her face. She was gasping for breath and panting like a wild thing. Her eyes were staring off into space, and I thought she might hyperventilate.

Her door flew open, and she started to vomit out the door. Leaning over quickly, I grasped her hair, keeping it pulled back. When she was finished, she chugged some of her drink and spit it out. Finally, she turned her head to me and covered her mouth with a delicate hand. The other cradled her healing abdomen.

“Oh hell… I’m sorry. Colton, I remember. Jesus, God, I just remembered some of what happened. What he did to me. I remember lying there praying for you and thinking I was going to die without you knowing I love you. He was crazy. He was going to kill me. You saved me. You killed him and saved me.” Ghost white, she had the look of someone who was in shock, and she was scaring me.

“I should’ve found you sooner, baby, and for that I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I let you down. If only I’d have found you before he hurt you….” I was at a loss to continue.

“But you found me. Colton, you found me. This is your baby. It has to be.” Her face was still white, and she struggled with her next words. “Please, it can’t be anyone’s baby but yours. That’s what they said, right?”

I nodded.

My heart was racing, and I wanted to smile at the thought of being there for our baby as it grew in her belly. Then I felt a moment’s guilt. Should I be happy and smiling when she’d remembered some of the shit that fucking freak did to her? The situation was touchy, and I didn’t know the best way to handle it.

Leaning over to her so she didn’t have to twist in her seat and hurt herself, I held her face in the palms of my hands so she was looking at me. Brushing away the tears streaming down her pale cheeks, I ran the pad of one thumb across her lips.

The kiss we shared was slow, tender, and loving. It was full of amazing fucking things. The girl sitting by me, the mother of my children, was mine. All mine. Amazingly mine. I’d never take that for granted.

“I love you, baby. Heart and soul. You’re my angel, and I’m never letting you go.” I followed my declaration with kisses. Those led to nips along the side of her neck, running my tongue along the outer shell of her ear, and capturing the lobe between my lips and teeth.

“Colton,” she whispered. “Please.” Panting, she sat there with her eyes closed, lashes fanned over her cheeks, and her luscious lips parted.

What the fuck was I doing? She’d been assaulted. She’d just gotten out of the hospital, and there I was acting like some horny bastard teenage kid.

Shit, I was a douche. I groaned and kissed her lightly once more.

“Fuck, I’m sorry. We can’t, it’s too soon. You’re still hurting. That was a dick move on my part.” My head fell back to the headrest, and I closed my eyes, trying like hell to regroup.

Fuck.

Just fuck.

“Well, then I’m just as guilty, because I wanted you too. Colton, I don’t want to be a victim for the rest of my life.” The pleading in her voice told me she wasn’t angry, and I looked at her in question.

Though her eyes were tear-filled, her cheeks were covered in a rosy blush, and a sad smile flirted with her lush lips.

“Take me home.” She took a shaky deep breath before smiling sweetly at me, and I couldn’t hold in my happiness.

The girl was fucking amazing.

And she belonged to me.

IT’D BEEN TWO MONTHS since I’d returned home, and Colton had been so amazing and loving while I finished my recovery.

For the most part, I was pretty much healed, though my scars were still pretty dark and angry-looking, and at times my abdomen hurt if I moved wrong. Not too often, but it still happened. My doctor said that would be normal as I healed on the inside and the scar tissue within healed and stretched or pulled loose. Adhesions, he’d called it.

As soon as I’d felt up to being out and about, Colton had brought me by his house, and I instantly fell in love. Remi and I were moving in with him over the weekend. I’d already visualized the changes I wanted to make in decorating and painting, and I couldn’t wait to get started.

When he admitted that he’d bought the house with me and Remi in mind, I couldn’t help but throw my arms around him and kiss him. The gruff biker badass was a secret softy, and I loved him.

During this time, my dad, brothers, and Colton had been working every free moment to make the changes I wanted to implement down at the Oasis. My plan was to change the look of the interior to resemble an old-time pub, complete with green glass lights and brass rails on the bar.

The pending “Grand Reopening of The Oasis Pub” was scheduled for about a month and a half from now. I’d decided to leave the name intact for posterity and continuity.

Becca had been calling to check on me periodically, but I wasn’t sure which of us should be more worried. Her current situation was shit.

“I really want to be there for your party, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to.” Becca sounded so upset. Not that I’d tell her, but I was pissed that her boyfriend was such a dick about her coming up.

“I understand, but I’ll keep my fingers crossed.” Even though I knew better.

“How have you been doing?” Hesitancy was heavy in her tone and I hated it.

“Better,” I said. It was a relief to be able to honestly answer that question.

“Okay, I gotta run. Trevor will be home soon.”

I rolled my eyes. “No problem, hon. Talk to you later.” Even though I wanted to confront her about Trevor, the last time hadn’t gone well. She hadn’t talked to me for weeks.

We ended the call and I pulled out my outfit for the night.

Since I’d been released, Colton often stayed with me at my parents’ house. Each time I woke up in a panic after my nightmares, he’d hold me. He’d kiss me, hug me, and stroke me gently. While comforting, it was also whipping my emotions and sexual tension into a frenzy.

I’d been seeing a counselor, and though it was emotionally painful, she was helping me let go of the trauma. I’d been given the okay by both my doctor and therapist to resume sexual activities. Even still, Colton refused to have sex with me for fear of hurting me. He was also afraid of traumatizing me after what Michael had done. What that all amounted to was me being undeniably sexually frustrated.

I’d decided I was going to have to take drastic measures.

I’d arranged for my parents to watch Remi and convinced Colton to drive up to Fairmont, Minnesota, to have dinner.

Determined to seduce my man, I’d ordered some sexy lingerie complete with a garter belt and sheer stockings. I’d planned to wear it under a figure-hugging black dress that dipped down low over my back with three ropelike strings that held the two sides from falling down.

As I looked at my reflection in the full-length mirror on the back of my childhood bedroom door, I smoothed my hands over my belly. It was still fairly flat, but I was early in my pregnancy. Thankfully, my morning sickness had been minimal this time.

Pushing down my insecurities, I slipped on my new black heels and cautiously descended the stairs. Sheesh, I should’ve waited to put them on until I got downstairs. I could hear Remi chattering in the kitchen with my mom.

Colton would be there any minute. My heart skipped a beat at the thought of seeing him. Would the mere thought of him ever stop affecting me that way?

“Momma pwetty!” Remi clapped her hands with joy and displayed her devastatingly precious dimpled smile as she saw me enter the kitchen.

“Yes, she certainly is, my princess.” The low voice behind me startled me, and I jumped, placing my hand to my heart as if I could actually slow its racing pace with a touch.

Colton stood there with his hands behind his back and a sly grin on his face, torturing me with his sexy dimples. He’d shaved, bringing them to their full glory.

Evil, evil man. He wasn’t playing fair with my heart and body. When he pulled a bouquet of deep red roses tied with a burgundy ribbon from behind his back, I almost cried.

He was pulling out all the stops. Hmmmm, what did he want? I knew what I wanted, but were we on the same page? I raised an eyebrow as I grinned from ear to ear.

“Well, well, look at this handsome man. I don’t know if my boyfriend will appreciate you bringing me flowers like this. He’s a big scary biker, you know,” I teased him as I buried my nose in the velvety petals, breathing in the rich scent.

Peeking up at him, I saw he was dressed in a dark pair of jeans and a dark teal, long-sleeve button-up shirt that made his eyes look midnight blue.

Remi raced to her daddy, plowing into his legs with a squeal. Playfully growling, he scooped her up. She kissed him, then leaned over to kiss me. God, I loved our little family.

“I’ll have to kick his ass if he shows up, then.” The dimples flashed again.

“Kick his ass!” Remi hooted. My mouth dropped open in horror, and Colton had the nerve to laugh as he covered Remi’s mouth with two fingers.

“Shh! Little princesses don’t say that.” He grinned.

Oh Lord, help me.

When Stephanie asked if we could have dinner and the evening alone, she played right into my hands and had no idea. I’d been planning a night like that for about a week.

Lying next to her each night and holding her close to me was sweet torture, but I wasn’t going to push myself on her until she was ready. I was fucking greedy, but I wasn’t a total bastard. We needed this night together, just us. We had a lot to talk about, and I had a surprise at the house I wanted to show her.

Dinner was excellent at the little family steakhouse, and I was so damn amazed at how easy conversation flowed between this woman and me. We never had uncomfortable pauses in our conversation anymore, and when silence did enter the picture, it was comfortable and enjoyable.

We fit together like a perfect puzzle.

The past month had been the best of my life. Granted, my cock felt like I was punishing it, and I went through a shit-ton of soap in the shower. But I wasn’t going to fuck up the healing Stephanie was working on both emotionally and physically.

There was no time limit. I’d wait for as long as it took for my beautiful woman. Because I fucking loved her. Completely and totally.

We pulled up to the house as the sun was setting and the sky was a brilliant watercolor blend. My girl’s smile when she looked at her house—’cause yeah, it was totally her fucking house, even if she didn’t know it yet—made my heart swell with happiness.

Who would’ve ever thought this would be my life? Hollywood still gave me shit about being all “domesticated,” but I knew he was happy as fuck for me.

I loved him. He’d saved me when I was at my lowest. If it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t be there enjoying the amazing view in the cab of my truck.

“I have something to show you, baby.” I got out of the truck and went around to open her door and help her out. There was nothing better than watching her sexy-ass long legs step down from the truck to the ground.

Pathetically, I had a fucking hard-on just looking at her legs. She was gonna be the fucking death of me.

Fingers intertwined, I held her hand and led her into the dark house, flipping on lights as we walked through. When I reached the master bedroom door, I turned and wrapped my arms around her waist, pulling her close. The feel of her body against mine sent damn shock waves through me. After all this time, she still affected me.

“Close your eyes, baby.”

“What are you up to?” She looked at me with a suspicious smirk.

“You’ll see.”

I waited for her to close her eyes before opening the door and leading her in, watching her closely as I told her to open them. Her pleasure and surprise were worth all the skipped lunches this week. I’d finished the bedroom and master bath with her in mind.

The walls were a soft tan with a dark chocolate accent wall. The bed was a king-size four-poster with thick carved posts in a light oak. The floors were a darker oak with plush throw rugs in brown, tan, and aqua, which accented the damask comforter.

Okay, I fucking cheated and her mom helped me pick it out. I was no Martha Stewart, but the results were worth all the secrecy and trouble. I didn’t know what the hell damask was until her mom showed me.

The master bath had a deep soaking tub, a separate double shower, and his-and-her sinks. Candles flickered around the bedroom and in the bathroom.

No, I didn’t try to burn my fucking house down. Give me some credit. Her mom came over and lit them when I sent the text that we were almost home. I’d laughed when we passed her on the road and Stephanie didn’t even notice.

“You did this for me?” She was stunned, and I grinned like the Cheshire cat. Fuck yeah, I did this, and everything in my life, for her.

“Do you like it?” Redundant question. Her expression told me everything I needed to know.

“Oh my God, Colton, this is amazing! I absolutely love it!” She slipped off her heels and ran like a little girl to check out the bathroom. I heard her squeal and knew she’d found the tub. She ran back out and threw her arms around me. “I love you. You’re amazing. This is amazing. I just love you.”

“I have one more thing for you. Look in the top drawer of the bedside table.” Her curious expression had me trying not to laugh.

My fucking stomach started to flip. Fuck, I hoped I’d done the right thing. She opened the drawer and pulled out the single folded sheet of paper. She looked up at me, and I saw her eyes shine with unshed tears.

“Do you mean it? You want your name on Remi’s birth certificate?” Her breathless whisper was sexy as fuck.

“She’s my daughter. Of course I do, but I want it to be a little more than that.”

Suddenly nervous as all hell, I cleared my throat. Reaching in my pocket, I pulled out the little velvet box as I got down on one knee. Looking up at her, I took her hands in mine.

Placing the box in her shaking hand, I opened it. She pulled her lips between her teeth, and tears streamed down her cheeks as she watched me.

“Stephanie, baby, I fucking love you. You’re my world, you and Remi and now this new little precious gift.” I touched her still-flat belly reverently. “You’ve made me into one happy sonofabitch, but I want us to be a real family. I need you all to be mine forever. Please marry me?”

I held my breath, waiting for her answer. Praying that she didn’t break my heart.

Maybe it was too soon and she wouldn’t be ready for that step.

With a choked sob, she dropped to her knees and kissed me, framing my face with her soft hands. “Yes. Yes, yes, yes. Oh, my God, yes! I love you so much!”

COLTON LOVED ME AND asked me to marry him. I could honestly say I hadn’t seen that one coming.

It was so much more than what I’d planned for our night, but I wasn’t going to let that be it. He was my man, and I was going to have him.

Right then.

In our gorgeous room, on our beautiful big bed that he’d bought for me.

Standing up and wiping my tears away after he slid the huge diamond on my finger, I slipped my dress off. I wanted to be wearing nothing but his diamond. And, Lordy, I didn’t even want to guess how much the ring had cost. It was flipping gorgeous, and I loved it.

“Stephanie, what are you doing? That’s not why I did this. I wasn’t trying to seduce you, baby. I’ll wait until you’re ready.” His voice was hoarse, and his expression looked almost pained.

He was in for it, and he had no idea.

“Well, that is why I did this. I had no idea this was what you had planned, but I planned to seduce my boyfriend tonight—correction, my fiancé.” I smiled deviously and wiggled my newly ringed finger at him. Raising my eyebrows, I stepped out of the dress, leaving me in only the garter belt and stockings.

Though it was what I wanted, my heart hammered. It was a big step for me, but I refused to be a victim for the rest of my life. There was no way Michael was going to rule my life from the grave.

He swallowed hard and tried to keep his hands from reaching out to me as I stalked toward him with specific intent. Still trying to be the martyr, he walked backward as I closed in on him until his legs were against the bed.

Shaking inside, I pushed him back on the bed and crawled up on top of him to straddle his waist. He closed his eyes and groaned. Emboldened by his reaction, I rubbed my core along the ridge in his jeans. He could deny it all he wanted, but I knew he was turned on and wanted me as badly as I wanted him.

“You’re. Fucking. Killing. Me.” He ground the words out between gritted teeth, and I smiled and leaned over him, brushing my breasts along the front of his shirt. Then I nipped his jaw and licked his neck before biting it.

Deftly, my fingers unbuttoned his shirt as I licked and kissed along his chest after each one came loose. When it came to the last three, I pulled the shirt open, scattering buttons across the room. I heard them bounce and roll across the floor but didn’t give a rat’s ass where they landed.

“Jesus, Stephanie. I’ve tried so hard not to rush you.” The flames ignited in his eyes, and he flipped me over to my back before I even saw it coming. “But if you want to play with fire, we can play.” His grin included those sexy fucking dimples, and I may’ve come a little in my barely there panties.

Fucking hell.

He wrapped his lips around one nipple and then the other before grabbing it in his teeth and flicking his tongue across the sensitive tip. Shock waves of pleasure rippled through my body. Our eyes were locked together, and I panted wildly as I watched him worship my body. He kissed every scar, bringing bittersweet tears to my eyes.

“Don’t cry, baby. I plan on making you come so many times you won’t remember anything but me and my touch on your satiny skin and inside your wet, silky pussy. I’m going to fuck you so hard, any thoughts of anyone else will be washed from your mind. You. Are. Mine,” he growled, and I loved the alpha-male side that snuck out. He made me feel safe and adored, not owned.

“You, sir, have a dirty mouth. But yes, Colton, I want you. Please. Now. I can’t wait much longer.” He had no idea how badly I needed him. Needed what we were about to do.

“Oh yes you can. You’re going to come for me first, because I won’t last long the first time. There’s no way. And you love my dirty mouth and what it does to you.” To prove it, he licked and nibbled down my body until he reached the junction of my thighs.

He nipped along the sensitive skin of my inner thighs before burying his face in my wet folds like a starving man, making me gasp. That magic tongue laved from my clit to my bottom, where he ran the tip lightly around that terribly forbidden area, sending surging vibrations of pleasure through my body.

Gripping his hair in both hands, I moaned and sighed, holding him closer.

“Yes, guide me to where you want me, baby. Fucking come on my face, and I’ll lick up every drop.”

Oh shit. His filthy mouth should’ve been embarrassing, but it wasn’t. It was fucking hot as hell. The desire was building with every heated breath he exhaled and every stroke of his tongue over my clit. When he pulled it between his teeth, flicking it rapidly with his tongue as he slid two fingers deep into my core, my eyes literally rolled in my head.

As his fingers worked their magic, my back arched in delight. Feeling the crescendo building in my body, I closed my eyes and screamed his name. White lights flashed behind my eyelids as the pulses of ecstasy exploded through my body, centered between my legs. Everything ended in the aftershock spasms that continued to clench on his fingers.

Relentlessly, he thrashed his tongue through my explosion, drinking it like it was the nectar of the gods. He continued to milk more from my orgasm with his fingers, stroking my G-spot.

Head spinning, I lay gasping and panting as he slid upward, his hands following in a light touch up my body. His lips captured mine in a deep, emotional kiss, and I tasted myself on him. He continued to caress my breasts and kiss my face, neck, and arms, making me feel revered and cherished.

One hand tweaked my nipple slightly as the other found its way back down to circle my clit and slip his fingers back in the slick, lubricated moisture from my come. He then began a circling pressure on my clit, and I became frantic again. I was so overly sensitive after my orgasm, it was driving me crazy.

My body clamored for release even as it fought the profound sexual onslaught of his fingers and hand. I thrashed and tried to squeeze my legs together instinctively, but he placed his knee between to keep them open, allowing him access to drive me wild.

“No, baby, don’t shut me out. I want you to come again. I want you to keep your eyes open so I can watch you shatter in my hands. I want to see your beautiful face and the look in those blue eyes as you lose control.” He kissed me briefly as he continued to play my body like a violin. The music he created with me was heavenly.

My next climactic explosion arose rapidly, engulfing me in wave after wave of pleasure. It had me replete with my bones feeling like they no longer had substance. The love visible in his eyes and the look of satisfaction on his face as he watched me come had my heart nearly bursting.

I reached up to caress his cheek and pull him in for another kiss. The kiss ended with a deep sigh, and my hand fell back to the bed to rest on my splayed, tangled hair.

“That was amazing,” I exhaled in a breathless whisper. “You are amazing. I love you.”

“We’ve only just started. Are you ready for me? I need you, Stephanie. Now. Do you want me to use a condom? I’m clean. Because I didn’t want you to have to worry, I had myself tested even though I always used a condom. And I haven’t been with anyone but you since the birthday party.” His words were rushed and strained.

He placed both legs between mine, his engorged shaft resting at my drenched opening. While he waited for my response, he rubbed the end of his cock through the slippery wetness and slowly pushed the tip in and out.

“Yes, please. Oh God, please, Colton. And no, no condom. I need to feel you. They tested me too, and I obviously can’t get more pregnant than I already am.” I smiled and tried to laugh, but it came out as a sob.

“I’m so sorry, baby. I didn’t mean to make you think of all that again.” He rested his forehead on mine as he held his weight off me with his bent arms. The remorse on his face had no place there. This was a time for happiness and enjoyment.

I wanted him.

I needed him.

My response to his apology was to raise my hips. The movement pressed his cock a little deeper inside. Urging him to enter farther, I wrapped my legs around his and pulled him toward me. Biting softly into his flesh, my teeth grasped his shoulder and my nails dug into his firm ass. Moans escaped me as my walls grasped at his cock, desperate to have him gliding against them.

“Please, I need you” were the only words I could get out. My heart began to race in anticipation, and our coupling became essential to my existence.

He blew out the breath he was holding as he swiftly entered me, buried to the hilt. “Jesus fucking Christ, you are so goddamn tight. Don’t move, baby. Just don’t fucking move yet.” He dropped his head to my shoulder momentarily as he fought to catch his breath and gain control.

Needing any contact I could get, I stroked his back slowly.

His lips hovered over my skin. When his eyes met mine again, they were brimming with carnal desire.

The first thrust sent my nerves zinging with waves of erotic desire, and I tightened my legs around him. His expression became one of determination as he began a timeless, natural rhythm of stroking in and out.

Sweat slickened our bodies, and I bit and licked the salty sheen on his bicep. That set off a climactic chain of events. As he increased his speed, he groaned and triggered the escalation of the sensations centered deep within me.

It was unbelievable how sensitive I was to this man. Dear God, the sex was incredible. He was incredible.

When he placed his hands under my ass and lifted me so he could drive deeper, I came undone. My body exploded with sensation and flashes of ecstasy. My sheath clenched him tightly, and I lost focus for a moment.

The intensity of my orgasm had him roaring as he threw back his head, followed by the pulsing surge of his cock as he filled me.

Mine.

Coming in her tight, hot, wet pussy was the closest I’d ever get to heaven. If it was possible, I’d branded her from the inside with my come. My control was completely and totally fucking gone in the moment I thundered in completion.

The pulsing of my cock went on forever as her walls continued to clamp tighter around me, milking every last drop. Slowly, I glided in and out a few times, feeling our combined fluids run out each time I thrust in.

Heaven knew I didn’t want to crush her, but I was fucking spent, so I turned over to my back, pulling her with me. Exhausted, she sprawled across my chest, her legs tangled with mine.

As she lay cradled in one arm, I rested one hand on her ass and played with the silky strands of her hair with the other. Her delicate breath drifted across my chest as she held her ear to my racing heart. One of her slender hands traced over the tats on my chest and side. I’d have sworn I could lie like that forever.

“Would you take me to get a tattoo when I’m able?”

Her words shocked me, and I raised my head from the pillow to look her in the eye. She raised her head slightly to meet my gaze, and I noticed the pink tinge to her cheeks. Fucking gorgeous woman. Her smile was nervous as she said, “Will you?”

“Fuck yeah, I will. But are you sure you want to do that? I’m not trying to treat you like a child, but you do know that shit is permanent, right? I don’t want you to do anything you may regret later.” The thought of her inked up was sexy as fuck. I’d love to see my name in a property tat too, but I didn’t know how she’d feel about that. I’d have to talk to her about it. I wanted to mark her so every motherfucker out there knew she was mine.

Forever.

Mine. I fucking loved the sound of that.

“Yes, I’m sure. I want to cover my scars with something beautiful so I don’t see a reminder of what happened every time I look at myself. I want to build new, positive images in my mind and on my body. I also don’t want you to have to look at the scars and be repulsed.” She said the last bit in an almost inaudible tone.

Chest aching for her, I hugged her body tight to mine. Kissing her head, I stroked her back from her shoulder to her ass cheek.

“Baby, you could never repulse me. Don’t ever fucking say that shit again, yeah? You’re the most fucking beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. Inside and out. For fuck’s sake, I can’t be within a hundred feet of you without busting out in a raging goddamn hard-on. But it’s more than that. You do something to me. You turn me inside out. I’ve never felt like this about any other woman. Ever. I love you, Stephanie. I love you exactly the way you are. I’ll help get the tats done for you, but you don’t need to do it for me.” I kissed her again, and she turned her head to kiss my chest right over my traitorous heart. That fucking organ was hers. It beat for her and my babies and only for them. I couldn’t live without her now. I knew it as sure as I fucking inhaled her scent.

Tears dropped to my chest, and I reached up to make her look at me again. What the fuck? I hated her crying. She smiled through her tears and stretched up to meet my lips in a sweet, chaste kiss.

“I love you so much, Colton. Thank you for being as crazy about me as I am about you. Thank you for being an awesome dad to Remi. Thank you for being happy about a baby we didn’t expect. Again. Thank you for saving me. You are an amazing man and my hero, Colton Alcott.” She grinned and kissed me again.

“Woman, I am no fucking hero, I can tell you that. What I am is fucking insane for you, and I would do anything to make you happy and keep you safe. One thing I’m not compromising on is getting married AS-fucking-AP. I’m not waiting for you to be mine any longer than I absolutely have to. Fuck no. ASAP. I mean it. So get with your mom and your friends and get shit together. I’ll be happy with a trip to the courthouse or a flight to Vegas, but I want it to be what you want. Just soon. You got it?” My expression was stern, but she just smiled and laughed at me before nipping my chest with her pretty white teeth.

“Vegas actually sounds amazing to me. Will you be able to get time away from the MC for it?” she asked uncertainly.

“Fuck, an excuse to party it up in Vegas? The guys will all want to be there. I’ll just talk to Snow to see when’s the soonest we can arrange it.”

I laughed and squeezed her tight again before swatting her ass playfully. Hell yeah, the woman was going to officially be my wife soon. I was one happy, lucky motherfucker.

At one time, I couldn’t even see myself living. Now I had a gorgeous ray of sunshine, a beautiful little princess, and another precious gift on the way. And they fucking completed me. My angel had saved me more times than I could count, and now she’d be mine forever.

Life was sometimes complicated, and sometimes it seemed like I’d never make it through. But life was also beautiful, and perhaps we had to go through some shit to be able to appreciate how amazing it really was.

This little family of mine? They were my salvation.

THE WEDDING CEREMONY WAS held in Vegas on a bright, sunny day in early October.

We were married by a preacher who looked like Elvis. I’d joked about it, but Stephanie jumped on it.

It might not have been traditional, but then nothing about us was. I wore black jeans, a white button-up shirt, and my cut while my beautiful bride was radiant in a strapless, antique white, lace-covered gown. It drove me crazy, all fitted to under her breasts and then softly flowing to what she called a handkerchief hem that hit midcalf.

We’d both said we wanted to remember the day with laughter and smiles, and that was our reason for choosing the little chapel with “Elvis” presiding over the ceremony.

Our flower girl had my laughing blue eyes, dimples that knocked you off your feet, and ebony ringlets that bounced with each step up the aisle. Just as pretty as her momma.

Hollywood stood as my best man, and Becca was Stephanie’s maid of honor. Something was up with them. No one commented on the tension that was palpable between them, but everyone noticed with a subtle curiosity.

My entire chapter had their bikes lined up, forming a gauntlet of Harleys for us to rush through after the ceremony. We laughed as we held hands and got showered with rice and the rev of Harley engines.

The next few months weren’t always picture perfect as we learned to live as a family, but hell if it wasn’t still a beautiful life because we were a family.

We made a promise on our wedding night to never go to bed mad, regardless of the situation. We stuck to that. We kissed each other before falling asleep each night, and if we’d been arguing, well, the makeup sex was explosive and cathartic.

Some days were bad for me, like my fucking PTSD was a creeping shadow waiting to suck me under. Other days, my family kept me grounded and sane.

At least I could accept that it was a work in progress. I may never be free of it, but I prayed that there would be more days I stayed grounded than lost.

Remi was so happy and excited to be a big sister, and she spoke to her little brother or sister every day while her momma and I listened on with happy smiles.

The Oasis Pub became a popular hangout, not just for the MC and the citizens of the town but for people passing through and tourists staying at the lakes.

It seemed like I was constantly working on fixing up the house. It was a few-and-far-between weekend that everyone from the MC wasn’t there for a barbeque. I’d even been building a stall in the barn for a pony. Stephanie said I was a sucker.

The MC had worked hard to become self-sufficient with legit businesses, but it was still an ongoing process. Between working my ass off at the shop to keep that business rolling and the progression of Stephanie’s pregnancy I was stressed out. She kept telling me I was overreacting, but this was the first time I’d experienced any of it.

Fuck, I was a basket case when Stephanie finally went into labor.

“Oh my God, where’s your bag? We had it two days ago!” I exclaimed, pulling at my hair.

“Sweetheart, calm down. Quit running around like a lunatic.” She gently placed her hand on my arm and granted me that smile that always calmed my heart. “Everything is in the car. We just need to call my parents to meet us at the hospital for Remi. Now we need to get our butts there.”

Once we were at the hospital, everything seemed to move so fast.

“I swear we’re never having sex again. I’m not going to have you go through this again.” I held her hand through the next contraction. The nurses all tried to prevent me from seeing their smiles. Still, I saw them all rolling their eyes because they’d heard that one before.

Except I meant it.

Stephanie laughed with gasping breaths between contractions.

“Honey, I’m fine. It hurts, but I’m not dying,” she panted. “You can bet your sweet ass we’ll be having sex again, or I’m gonna die of neglect.”

Holding a cool rag to her head, I could only glare.

By the end of it, she’d thrown a few colorful words my way. Like the wise man I was, I kept my mouth shut. When the doctor announced we were the proud parents of an 8 lb. 2 oz. baby boy, I smiled so big I thought my face would crack.

I had a son.

I had a family.

“Daddy loves you, Wyatt.” As I kissed my son’s inky, fluffy head while Stephanie held him to her breast, I swore I’d burst from pride and love.

“He’s beautiful, Colton,” she whispered.

Trying to hide the tears that threatened, I hung my head.

Yes, life was indeed beautiful.

The End

First, thank you to my husband, who has supported me through every decision I’ve made over the years. When I told him I was writing a book, he not only encouraged me but suffered through reading the first few chapters, even though this is definitely not his type of book! Thank you for your unfailing belief in my ability to fulfill what seems like a life-long dream of becoming an author. Thank you for loving me and for your patience during the late nights of my bedside light being on and my fingers pounding the keys while I sat in bed typing because I couldn’t go to sleep without getting my thoughts down.

Next, thank you to Sybil Bartel, an amazingly talented author who answered question after question, motivated and guided me through this insane journey. Her books are amazing! She led me to Clarise Tan of CT Cover Creations, who worked diligently with me to create the perfect cover which portrayed Colton exactly as I imagined him, and to all the awesome ladies at Hot Tree Editing. You all did a great job of catching my oopsies and ensuring I wasn’t being ridiculously repetitive.

Also, a huge thank you to my good friends Penny and Sherry, who were my proofreaders and motivators through this entire journey. I really don’t know if I could have finished this book without you! And thank you to those of you who diligently read each section as I released it to offer me your encouragement, thoughts, and criticisms, which helped this book be better for your efforts.

Last but never least, a massive thank you to America’s servicemen and women who protect our freedom on a daily basis. They do their duty, leaving their families for weeks, months, and years at a time, without asking for praise or thanks. I would also like to remind the readers that not all combat injuries are visible, nor do they heal easily. These silent, wicked injuries wreak havoc on their minds and hearts while we go about our days completely oblivious.

To my main man… my real life husband who rolls his eyes and laughs at me as I look through hundreds of pictures of half-naked men trying to find the perfect cover model. You know you’re my number one. I love you, Marty!

I STOOD AT THE door of my best friend’s home and tried to work up the courage to knock.

Shit, how was I going to explain why I was there with all my meager belongings packed in my car? A frustrated breath expelled from between my lips.

I just didn’t know where else to go. I really didn’t know if it was the best place to stay, considering I knew he, who ridiculously preoccupied my thoughts, was there in the same town, but Steph was my best—if not my only—friend. Telling myself I would just have to ignore him if I saw him seemed easier said than done.

Shit.

Sighing, I reached up and knocked on the door.

Seven Months Earlier

I had always wanted to go to Vegas. So, when Stephanie called me and told me she was getting married and she wanted me to be her maid of honor, heck yeah baby, I was there. Sure, I had been a wild child in college, but being an elementary school teacher kind of put a damper on being a party girl unless I went waaaay out of town. I don’t care who you are, everyone likes to let their hair down every so often.

So, there I was in Sin City, ready to party it up for Steph’s bachelorette party. Of course, Reaper and the guys would be in the background the whole time since he didn’t want her out of his sight after she had been attacked and tortured by her ex-boyfriend. Yeah, that really happened. I couldn’t make this shit up. And who could blame him? What a nightmare that was. God, I was angry she hadn’t called me after it happened, and I chewed her ass out for it. She’d said she was embarrassed by the situation and didn’t want to burden me with it, but dammit, we were supposed to be best friends. It was our job as best friends to be there for each other.

Anyway, I was dressed to kill for the party that night, because if I could, I was getting fucking shit-faced and laid. My relationship with Trevor was a dismal failure and had been the most miserable, boring, shitty year and a half of my life. I’d tried to live a “respectable life”—yes, air quotes and all—and keep the image of a proper school teacher, but it wasn’t me. Now let me clarify. I’m not saying I wanted to run around and be a slut or a drunk, but I wanted to be able to go out and have a good time occasionally.

Not Trevor. Trevor was stable, responsible, reliable, had a great job on the Air Force Base in Omaha, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah… and he was boring. God, he was soooooo boring. His idea of a night out was to go to the movies and home again. Eating out would be a waste of money when we had a pantry full of food at home. Popcorn with your movie? Forget that shit. That was “over-priced and wasteful.” So? Movies and popcorn went together like peanut butter and chocolate. It should be illegal to have one without the other. Sorry, I digress. He sucked in bed. Like really “sucked monkey balls” bad. He insisted on the lights being out and only ever being in the missionary position. Really? Ugh. And an orgasm? What the fuck was that? I hadn’t achieved one without the help of my hand or BOB since the day Trevor and I moved in together. He hated me getting dressed up, doing my hair, wearing makeup—all things he considered “pretentious.” What he wanted was some librarian-type, or better yet, an Amish woman. Yeah, that was what he should have found, an Amish chick. So breaking things off with him before I came to Vegas was the plan. The reality was he begged me to work on things when I got back. He wanted me to “go have a good time with the girls,” and then we would discuss things when I returned. He said… wait for it… he could “try to change.” Sheeeit. Okay. Sure.

Yeah, discuss things? No. I was so done, but I didn’t want to keep arguing with him, so I decided to let it lie until I got back.

So, there I was in my tight, short, red dress with my boobs flashing ample cleavage, and matte black, six-inch heels. My dark auburn hair was tamed with a shit-ton of hair product, but the curls were still on the riotous side and fit my mood. I topped the look with some “fuck me” deep-red lipstick and looked at my reflection in the hotel mirror with satisfaction. I’d gotten a light fake-bake tan and was fit from hours spent at the gym in an effort to be away from Trevor.

Man, I was so stupid for thinking I could make my parents happy and conform to society’s expectations of the good little school teacher by hooking up with a dud. My parents never thought I would curb my wild ways and settle down, so I tried my damnedest to show them they were wrong.

Unfortunately, maybe they had been right after all. I was a free spirit. I loved life and believed it should be lived to the fullest, every second of every day. It was amazing, but short, and we should enjoy it while it was ours.

We all met up in the lobby. It was me, Steph, Kristina, her nurse from the hospital who she had ended up keeping in touch with and becoming great friends with—yeah, I was a little jealous—Pam, her married friend from Des Moines who also used to babysit Remi for her, and her high school friend, Letty. We giggled and shouted as we headed out to the first stop—a male revue at the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino.

Steph had laughed and said she didn’t need a male revue because she had her own personal male revue at home, to which I gagged in mock disgust and, truth be told, more than just a little bit of jealousy, because let’s be honest, Reaper was freaking hot and she was a damn lucky girl. My foot went down on this one though, and the rest of the girls backed me up. This was her bachelorette party, and much to Reaper’s displeasure, we were going to drool over some sexy-ass abs and butts. Whooooo-Hooooooo! Hey, not all of us were getting married, and even for the ones who were, they were married, not dead, sheesh.

We were preparing to load up in the limo, which would be followed by Steph’s SUV with the guys in it. That was when I saw him. Fucking hello hotness. Naturally, I had to know. So, I asked, in an oh-so-nonchalant way, who all the guys were. Steph told me his name was Mason, but they called him Hollywood. He was tall, had a freaking kick-ass toned body, dark blond just-been-fucked messy hair, and light hazel eyes. Yum. Oh, and did I mention he was hot? Oh yeah, totally hot. I’m talking lick-every-muscle-on-that-gorgeous-body-head-to-toe hot. Of course, he was chatting up Kristina, which only fueled that little shit-stirring green-eyed monster and made me a little more jealous of her, which really sucked because she was a sweetheart. I felt like such a bitch. A really jealous bitch.

He laughed at something she said, and when I shouted, “Let’s go, girls!” he looked at me for the first time. When our eyes met, my girly parts tingled and my breath caught for a second.

Wow. Did I really just feel that shit?

His eyebrow rose and his eyes slid leisurely up and down my body. Like what you see, sexy? I winked and headed out to the limo, adding a little extra sway to my ass. I had no intention of hooking up with one of Reaper’s friends, but Hollywood was panty-melting hot, and if he was going to look, then, hey…. So I strutted as I approached the limo, sat on the seat just inside the door, and slid my legs in slowly, one at a time. I knew he was watching, and it gave me a sense of empowerment I hadn’t felt in a long while.

Tonight was going to be fun. I planned to find some sexy hunk of anonymous man to scratch my itch, so to speak, and call it a good night. As they say, what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. With each sip of my champagne, I felt myself breaking out of the stifling shell I had built around myself over the last few years.

Yes, it was going to be a good night. I could feel it in my bones.

I was so fucking happy for my buddy, Reaper, and his girl, Steph. After all the hell he’d been through, he deserved someone like her. It was crazy that she was the same girl he’d carried around a picture of on that old useless cell phone through our last deployment together. Who would have thought they would find each other again? Some crazy shit. They were fucking insane about each other and had the cutest little girl. Damn, they were gonna be in trouble with that little one someday. I laughed to myself at the thought. Better them than me.

Vegas was a well-deserved and much needed vacation for all the brothers and me. Things had gone well with the drop-off a few months ago, despite shit going down with Reaper’s old lady and him having to miss it all. Thankfully, we hadn’t needed him, but I’d taken over just in case. I was a pretty good fucking shot too, even if I had been his spotter and he was the sniper back in our military days.

We’d been a tight pair when we were together in the Army. Shit, as a sniper team, you had to be. Then, we lost touch for a while after we both got out. Before I left for home, I’d begged him to come back to Iowa with me, but he said he needed to get his head straight first. I figured he would contact me when he was ready, but I never heard from him and his number had been disconnected. So, I followed my plan by beginning the prospect phase with the Demented Sons MC, and a while later, I found him again, thanks to Hacker’s mad skills on the computer. When I went down to Texas to pick up a bike for a customer, I stopped by his place. Fuck, I was glad I got him to come back with me, because honestly, I don’t think that poor bastard would be alive today if I hadn’t. He was a fucking mess. We both had been, but luckily, I had my family and the MC, whereas he’d had no one. I loved him like a blood brother, probably even deeper than my love for the rest of the brothers in the MC. Reaper and I’d been through a lot of shit together, like life-and-death shit overseas. That tended to bring people pretty fucking close.

It was good to see Kristina again. She was witty and funny, and she always made me laugh. She was also fucking smoking, and at one time, I would have loved to have gotten a piece of her gorgeous little ass. Lord knew I chased it for an entire week while Steph was in the hospital and she was Steph’s nurse. Of course, she just laughed and brushed me off every fucking time. It really was a blow to my ego, I’m telling you. When she finally told me she was dating someone though, I backed off, keeping it to harmless flirting. Maybe most guys would have gone after her anyway, but not me. My sister’s husband fucked around on her, and I watched her fall apart and sink into a deep depression before finally dragging herself back out of it. It took her forever to move on after divorcing his stupid ass. I vowed to her that I would never fuck around with a married woman or wreck a relationship—not just because of the hurt it caused, but because it went against the grain. My own personal experience with getting shafted was one I would never put on anyone. Fuck that shit. Which was another reason I shied away from relationships. Too much bullshit.

When I heard Becca, the maid of honor, round the girls up to leave, I looked over, and holy shit. What a fucking beauty. She looked straight at me, and my heart jumped and sent a current straight to my dick. I grinned at her and gave her “the look” that had never failed me in the past.

She was a straight fucking knockout. I always had a thing for redheads, and she had a deep, rich auburn head of curls that begged to have a man’s hands buried in it. Twisted in it. The thought of those plump, red lips wrapped around my dick made my grin even bigger. As my gaze wandered down over the red dress she’d poured her sexy ass into, I wondered if her tits would pop out if she took too deep of a breath, ’cause I would sure as shit like to be around to see that. She had nice curvy hips that were perfect for grabbing onto when… yeah, sorry, my mind went there. All the time. It was just one of those things I’d never been able to help. Beautiful women were my addiction, and I made sure they were well satisfied when they were with me. She also had toned, tanned legs that I knew would wrap around me perfectly—and could she please leave the heels on while she did it? Damn.

She winked at me, and I knew she saw me checking her fine ass out. I didn’t give a fuck. As she shook that ass and climbed into the limo, the last thing I saw were her long legs sliding in. Jesus. She was stunning, and if it was my lucky night, she would be mine. I felt a “challenge accepted” smirk spread across my face. If I played my cards right, she would be screaming my name by the end of the night. After all, this was Vegas, right?

TRULY, I THOUGHT I’D died and gone to heaven. I’d never had so many hot-as-hell men dancing in front of me, and never dreamed I would have, either. It felt so damn good to be able to let loose and have a good time without having to worry about how people would look at me. It was beginning to make me seriously question my choice of careers. I don’t know what the hell I was thinking. I loved being an elementary school art teacher and working with all my kids, but I just didn’t know if it was worth completely stifling my personality like I was letting it. Don’t get me wrong. Like I said, I didn’t want to be a whore, by any means. But shit, if I wanted to go out and have a few drinks, I didn’t want to be looking over my shoulder for parents or fearing people would look down their noses at me.

I must have shoved about a hundred bucks down G-strings, allowing my fingers to wander slightly against their smooth, slick skin. Yum. I was sure half of them were probably gay, because that’s how it went, but they were damn hot. And holy six-pack, can you say buff? It felt like I was in my very own Magic Mike movie. Steph laughed her ass off at me and the rest of the girls. The guys sat back with their arms crossed like some kind of Persian guard, keeping a close eye on us as they continuously glared at the dancers. Ugh. Please. And Hollywood gave me the evil eye every time one of the dancers rubbed up against me or gave me a lap dance. What is his deal?

As I finished off my fourth apple Crown and cranberry, feeling the sweet, cool liquid run down my throat, I knew I was getting beyond tipsy. I totally should have eaten something before we left. Screw it, I was feeling good and having a great time. Pam bought a round of buttery nipple shots and we all toasted by clinking the rims together. On the count of three we bottomed up. The girls cheered me on as I used my tongue to lick every drop from inside the glass. As the tip of my tongue ran around the top of the glass, I looked up and straight into Hollywood’s eyes. I couldn’t tell if he was scowling at me or in pain, but he sure didn’t look like he was having a good time. So, of course, I teased him a little by wrapping my lips around the top of the shot glass. Oh yeah, that was totally a scowl. I watched his jaw clench and a muscle jump in his face as his nostrils flared slightly. I was tipsy enough to stick my tongue out at him in a completely childish gesture. Take that, you judgmental party pooper. He turned away, pushing through the crowd as he walked away.

Damn, he really disliked me. Asshole. What did I care what he thought of me, though? I didn’t owe him diddly shit. He wasn’t my dad or my big brother. Hell, the way he made my body respond just by looking in my direction, we better not be related or I had more issues than being stifled. A giggle slipped out at the thought. Shit, yeah, I was getting way more than tipsy.

After the dancers finished their final performance, we headed out to the next bar. The limo ride included another glass of chilled champagne. I loved the feel of the bubbles tickling my nose as I drank, and then the way they floated across my tongue and down my throat. It brought an unbidden vision of me sharing some of the champagne from my mouth to Hollywood’s before I took him in my mouth, letting the bubbles tease his cock. Jesus, I was so very naughty.

And so very drunk. I laughed, again.

We arrived at the bar and were ushered to the front of the line because of our reservation for the bachelorette party. Thank God, because the line was crazy long. The bar was absolutely hopping by the time we made it inside, with music blasting in surround sound and colored lights flashing and spinning. My favorite song was playing, and I squealed as I grabbed Letty’s and Kristina’s arms and proceeded to drag them out on the crowded dance floor. The bass pumped so loud I could feel it reverberate from my feet to my chest and take hold of my heartbeat.

As we danced to the next song, hands slid around my waist and rested on my hips as a male body pressed up against my back, bumping and grinding to the beat of the music. I glanced over my shoulder into the smiling face of a nice-looking guy who was a little shorter than I usually went for, but he was cut, had muscular arms, a great smile, and rich chocolate-brown eyes. Mmmm, he might do for the night. I flashed a smile, looked up at him, and pressed closer against him. Letty gave me a thumbs-up, and we continued to dance as a couple of guys joined them, too.

We must have danced through four songs or more, and I was sweating like crazy from shaking my ass. As I gathered my damp curls, holding them up off my neck to try to cool myself, I felt his lips touch my shoulder, followed by his teeth and then a soothing stroke of his tongue. God, I loved it when a guy kissed my neck and shoulders. My eyelids fluttered closed as my head fell back and my mouth fell open in a sigh.

Oh yessssss.

He spun me around and slid his arms around me to rest his hands at the top of my ass as a slow song started up. Pressed up against his body, I could feel his erection, and I knew he could be mine for the night if I really wanted him. We swayed to the music, and he kissed my ear, then my neck. He pulled back to look me in the eye. His smile was radiant as he leaned into my ear to be heard above the noise and told me he wanted to take me home. Bingo.

I gave a sly smile and coyly said, “Maybe.” It didn’t pay to appear too slutty. Right? Then he kissed me… and I had to say… that part was a little disappointing. Sorry to disappoint, but there were definitely no fireworks. He wasn’t a very good kisser, but I wasn’t planning on marrying the guy; I just wanted to get laid. Hell, it could be worse.

He followed me back to the table and offered to buy me a drink. Since I was starting to lose my buzz after all the dancing and sweating, I graciously accepted. Everyone introduced themselves, and Steph gave me a questioning look before she leaned over to tell me to be careful and asked me if I was sure it was a good idea to hook up with some stranger I didn’t know. My droll look and raised eyebrow told her she was pretty much the pot calling the kettle black after taking her fiancé home for a one-night stand back in college. Look where she was today. How could she fault me?

She laughed and held a hand up to me as she said, “Okay, okay, okay! ’Nuff said.” We both laughed and hugged, and then I kissed her cheek. Dang, I loved her. She really was my very best friend. Nah, screw that. She was my sista from another mista.

It wasn’t long before I desperately had to pee. Excusing myself, I headed through the pulsing crowd to the bathrooms, guided by the neon Restrooms sign in the back corner. Thankfully, there wasn’t much of a line, and I was able to get in quickly. After doing my business, I washed my hands, fluffed my hair, boosted the girls, and checked my makeup. A quick blot with a paper towel pulled the shine off my face. Yep, good to go.

A hand snaked around my upper arm as I exited the restroom and pulled me off to the back of the corridor.

“Hey! What the…?” I didn’t get another word out before I was pressed up against the wall with his hands holding me immobile by the tops of my arms. Flashing hazel eyes met mine just as I realized it was Hollywood. His mouth pulled in a tight line. I watched him close his eyes momentarily, as if he was fighting to keep his cool. He then took a deep breath before looking at me and blowing out the air he had held in his lungs.

“Jesus fuck, Becca! What the hell do you think you’re doing? You’re all over that guy, and you don’t even know him. You were acting like you were planning to fuck him right there on the dance floor,” he spit out. “Please tell me you aren’t trying to pick him up. You’ve got to be smarter than that, Becca…. Besides, he looks like a fucking tool.” His frustration was evident in his every breath and movement. What the ever-loving hell was up with him? Why did it matter to him if I screwed every guy in the bar? And why did my body start doing these crazy things just because I was close to him? Breathing the same air. Catching fire where our skin touched.

Whoa. What’s up with this shit?

“What’s it to you? You aren’t my keeper, you know. I don’t even really know you, for that matter. I’m a big girl, and I can make my own decisions. Shit!” He really was too much, and damn, he needed to back the fuck up. Being up close and personal to him had my nipples tightening and poking through the thin fabric of my dress. They felt abraded by the fabric and the friction of brushing against his chest. I wasn’t completely sure, but I thought I felt his hard cock press against my hip. I pushed closer to him. Oh my Lord, yes, it was, and may I say, he felt very well blessed. Oh, who was I kidding? More like huge. Then my heartbeat picked up speed and fluttered in my chest like a thousand tiny butterflies.

“Fuck,” was all he said before he lowered his head and ran his tongue along my lower lip. Threading his fingers through my hair, he tipped my head and claimed my mouth with his in a savage and blatantly hungry kiss.

Now this man… this man could kiss, was my last coherent thought as I grabbed his ass tight and pulled him closer to me.

The last fucking thing I planned to do was kiss her. I was pissed at her, dammit! But she had been driving me insane all night. Watching her grope and rub against those half-naked strippers set my teeth on edge from the start. It got worse when I watched her lick every last drop of her shot with that little pink tongue. When she placed the glass in her mouth like it was a cock, it was seriously all I could take. I almost fucking shot my load in my pants. I had to fucking walk away before I made a complete ass out of myself.

Why was she pissing me off so much?

Just when I thought I had cooled off, that fucking asshole was grinding against her and running his hands over her body on the dance floor. Yeah, by then I was damn near seeing red. Hell if I could explain where all the possessive feelings were coming from. I was pretty sure some of it had to do with the fact that her best friend almost died at the hands of a guy she thought she knew. So, part of this had to be about her safety and the fact that she was treating that safety with absolute disregard. Right? I mean, I barely even knew this girl. Sure, I had hoped to get lucky with her tonight, but I didn’t want to be her boyfriend. Fuck no. Plus, I felt an obligation to keep her safe for Reaper and Steph. Besides, I didn’t get attached, nor did I do relationships. That just wasn’t me. Hell, I wasn’t stupid. I was blessed with good looks, so finding hot women who were willing was no issue. I fucked them until the novelty wore off and moved on. Things were a lot less complicated that way.

When she walked off from the group, I couldn’t help but follow and wait for her to emerge from the bathroom. She sputtered when I grabbed her and pulled her down the hall farther. I totally lost my shit and chewed her ass out. The sight of her plump, red lips parted in astonishment broke me, and I had to taste them. That’s how I found myself with her hot, panting body pressed up against the wall of a night club and my mouth devouring her like I was starving and she was my first taste of food in a month.

She tasted like cranberries, and she smelled fucking amazing. She had on a rich, musky perfume that teased my senses. It wound up around me, through my nose and around my body like a serpent. The moan that slid across her tongue and into my mouth as I dropped my hands from her hair and grabbed her ass left me undone. I slid my hands down to her thighs and lifted her up to straddle me as I braced her against the wall. Her skimpy red dress slid up her thighs as she wrapped her legs around me and fisted her fingers in my hair, deepening the kiss.

Groaning, I broke away for air and rested my forehead against hers. We both panted breathlessly. Her pulse pounded in her neck, and I couldn’t resist running my tongue along it. It was as if I could taste her excitement. Her skin was salty from the fine sheen of sweat, but still sweet, and I wanted more. My teeth nipped her skin as I nuzzled along her neck and shoulder.

“Becca, I know this probably sounds crazy, but I can’t let you go anywhere with that guy. It’s killing me to watch you with him. I want it to be me. I need it to be me. You have to know you affected me from the first second I saw you. If you aren’t on board with that, you need to let me know now, and I’ll walk away.” I inhaled a ragged breath. “Because I’m not going to sit by and watch you do this with someone else. So, if you want him, say so and go. Otherwise, we’re going out to the limo and heading back to the hotel. You hear me?” In my mind, I begged her not to say no, but she needed to have a choice. I didn’t force myself on anyone. Ever.

“Yes. Jesus, yes, Hollywood, please.” Her whispered plea had my cock surging toward the heat at the juncture of her thighs, exactly where it wanted to be buried. My body pressed harder against her to relieve some of the tension, but fuck if it didn’t make things worse. With a groan, I slid her toned legs down to the floor and straightened her dress. Taking her hand firmly in mine, I pushed my way through the crowd to the front door. The night air was cool on our heated skin, bringing goose bumps to hers, as I tucked her in the limo and told her to wait there.

My legs carried me back into the bar on autopilot, and I found Reaper with his arms around his bride-to-be’s waist as he kissed her shoulder. Shit, I knew he couldn’t stay away from her all night. I laughed at him, and he gave me a dirty look that said, “Fuck off.” Steph blasted me with a huge smile. Her smile faltered when I said Becca wasn’t feeling too hot and asked me to take her back to the hotel. When she wanted to wrap everything up early, I told her no and tipped my head toward all the girls out dancing and having fun on the dance floor.

“Becca said she didn’t want to cut everyone’s night short, so I’m gonna make sure she gets to the hotel okay, and I’ll send the limo back for you all as soon as we get there.”

Reaper raised an eyebrow and gave me a knowing smirk, which earned him the same “fuck you” look in return. After everything we’d been through together over the years, we knew each other as well as we knew ourselves and could easily communicate without words. Still, he leaned over toward my ear so I could hear him over the noise.

“You’ve been looking like you want to break every fucker that got close to her tonight. I’m not stupid, you know. Don’t fuck with her and break her heart, bro. That’s Steph’s best friend, and you know she’ll kick your ass.”

“Shit, man, don’t get your panties in a wad. I’m just making sure she gets back safe, that’s all.” With a grin, I left before he could say more.

HOLLYWOOD CLIMBED IN THE limo and, after telling the driver to take us back to the hotel, closed the privacy screen. For a minute, he just sat across from me with a brooding look on his face. When he spoke, his voice was strained and hoarse.

“Come here. Now.”

I raised my brow at his commanding tone, but if I was honest, it fucking turned me on. Yep. Panties officially, and totally, soaked. Lordy, he really was the full package—good looking, alpha male, ripped as hell, tall, a phenomenal kisser, and he felt very well blessed in his… umm, yeah… that. I decided I would follow his commands, but on my terms. Dropping to my hands and knees, I crawled over to him in a sultry manner and rested my hands on either side of him. Okay… so I tried to be sultry… Anyway, moving on….

The leather of the seat was cool to the touch. When I slid my hands up his outer thighs to the waistband of his distressed-looking jeans, his hands flew to stop mine. I looked up to his face in question.

“What? You don’t want me to set you free? Isn’t this why you wanted me over here?” I pulled my bottom lip between my teeth. He was breathing harder and had an intense look on his face. He sat slouched back in the seat with his hands still holding firm to mine.

“Becca, Jesus, I’m not trying to fuck you in the limo. Not for the first time. I just wanted to hold you. I just needed to taste you and touch you,” he rasped. His hands clenched mine briefly, and his eyes flashed to mine, appearing more gold than before.

When I leaned forward and brushed my lips against his, the faint taste of beer lingered on his lips. We kissed deeply before I broke off and ran the tip of my tongue along his jaw until I reached his ear. Nipping it softly, and intentionally misconstruing his statement, I whispered, “Well, what if I want to taste you too?”

“Aww, fuck me,” he whispered to himself, his resignation clear in his expression and tone.

After extricating my hands from his, I proceeded to unbutton his jeans and was pleased to see he went commando. My lips curled in delight. Hell, yeah. It was too tempting not to run a fingernail lightly down to the base of his member. His sharp intake of breath as his lids lowered halfway told me he wanted this, even if he wouldn’t admit it.

The knowledge made me bold, and I grasped his ever-hardening cock in my hand, stroking firmly and softly in an alternating pattern. And holy shit, I was correct in my assumptions—he was probably the biggest I had ever seen. My fingers and thumb didn’t even touch when wrapped around him. He was like silk-encased steel, and he was hot and pulsing in my hand.

There were obviously no complaints over my actions, as his silence continued, broken only by his harsh breaths. His precum glistened at the tip of his silky-smooth head, so I leaned forward to catch the shiny drop with my tongue. Jesus, his taste was like an aphrodisiac, and I quickly took him as deep as I could, allowing my tongue to swirl around him as I sucked and stroked him. God, I loved the feel of him in my mouth, but I was willing to bet it wouldn’t be half as good as having him between my legs.

“Jesus fucking H. Christ. Shit, Becca. Stop. Fuck, you’re going to make me come if you keep doing that. You need to stop.” He was groaning with his head flung back on the back of the seat. Despite his words, his fingers reached down to entwine in my hair and gently encouraged my rhythm.

He didn’t hurt me or force his massive cock down my throat like some guys tried to do. Even in his moment of abandon, he was considerate, and I appreciated that.

Some women hated giving a guy a blowjob. Hell, I loved having that kind of power over them, and it was an especially intoxicating feeling considering how in control he had seemed all night. One of my hands remained wrapped around his firm cock, while the other slid to gently massage his balls.

Oooooo, he manscaped. Nice.

There was no way I was stopping until I tasted him. When he began to massage my scalp with his fingers, I moaned. The vibrations must have been enough to set him off because I felt his balls tighten up and pull closer to his body. Then he tensed and murmured encouragement and disjointed words as his cock seemed to swell even bigger.

“Oh God, Becca, yes. Suck me harder. Fuck. Jesus. You’re doing so fucking good. Shit. Gonna come. Stop. I can’t… No. Don’t stop. Shit. Shit. Shit.” He bellowed right as I felt his cock swell and pulse with his hot release washing over my tongue and hitting the back of my throat. I continued to lick and suck as if I was trying to collect every last drop, which I was.

First, let me tell you, I had never—and I mean ever—swallowed when giving a guy head, but for him? For him, I felt insatiable when it came to the taste of him. He started to jerk and spasm as I continued to lick and suckle his cock. He roughly pulled me up to straddle his lap, my dress scrunching up to the tops of my thighs. Just to fuck with him, I slowly licked my lips while staring him dead in the eyes.

“Fuck, that’s enough. Too much, baby. Dammit, I can’t handle too much of you doing that… It’s so fucking sensitive after. Thank you, that was…. Shit, that was fucking amazing.” He kissed me, and I knew he tasted himself—damn, that was hot as hell.

His hands roamed up and down my back, squeezing my ass and pulling my core tight to his cock. My wet panties rubbed along the length of his semi-erection, and I felt my pussy tighten in anticipation.

God, I wanted him. Now. Desperately. Reaching down between us, I grasped him in one hand, stroking him until he was fully erect again. He gripped my hips firmly in his calloused hands. Then I slid my soaked panties to the side, intent on sliding him into my slick folds.

He broke away from the kiss to exclaim, “Fuck, reach around me and grab the condom from my back pocket.” His sexual frustration with the delay was evident in the drawn look on his face.

Dammit, what was I thinking? I had never fucked a guy without a condom either. Too many diseases out there. What the hell was it about this guy that had my safety practices and my very sanity flying out the window? It was as if I couldn’t think straight with him this close to me. My head dropped and my face buried in his neck.

“Shit, please don’t think badly of me. I never have unprotected sex. I’m on the pill, but still, I don’t. I swear. You make my brain turn to mush.” I’d been on the pill forever, but I still used condoms with Trevor. It was like subconsciously I wanted to keep a barrier between us.

Now Hollywood probably thought I did that with everyone and I was a slut full of all kinds of crazy funk. Damn.

“I haven’t been with anyone since I was tested a couple of weeks ago. I’m clean, but do you trust me? I always wrapped my shit. I have a condom on me, but I really didn’t plan on us doing this here, babe.” He rested his head on my shoulder with ragged breaths escaping his mouth and tickling the top of my breast.

“I trust you.” How I knew I could trust him after just meeting him was a complete mystery to me. I reached down between us and guided his cock to rub on my soaking wet folds until it slipped in the opening.

Shit, he was big.

There was a faint burning as I felt myself stretch to accommodate him. It was borderline painful but amazing at the same time. Trevor and I hadn’t actually had sex in months before I told him I was done, and he had absolutely nothing on Hollywood when it came to size. His excuse was always he was tired, or he just came to bed long after I did and I was already sleeping. Part of me wondered if he wasn’t getting it somewhere else. I was a sexual being, and I would never have complained if he had woken me to have sex, but nope. Not him. So anyway, I knew I was tight, and I prayed Hollywood would fit as he held me up above him and slowly stroked in and out with just the tip until he eased in further with each stroke.

“Please. I need to feel you inside me. God, please.” No, I wasn’t above begging by this point. My nerves felt frayed and overworked. A frantic need to have him fully encased in my sheath overwhelmed me. My body was expectantly quivering. At my breathy request, he looked me straight in the eye with determination, grasped my hips so tightly I felt his fingers digging into my flesh, and drove deep.

Holy Shit.

Fuck. Me.

Shit, she was fucking tight. Damn if I didn’t have to hold her still for a moment because I was afraid I would lose it right then and there. Even though we were fucking in a damn limo, I needed this to be good for her. No man wanted to be known as a one stroke wonder, either.

Okay, I’m not gonna lie, fucking in a limo was amazing. Thrilling. Hot as fuck. But I hadn’t had anyone this tight in a while, and I also hadn’t experienced the incredible sensation of nothing between my dick and a warm pussy either. Never in my life had I gone without a wrapper. Ever. No love without a glove. Don’t make a mistake, cover your snake. Armor the tank before you enter the flank. You get the idea. It was like my brain short-circuited with her and all my rules burned out, followed by a wisp of smoke. She was going to be the death of me, one way or the other. Call it a premonition.

She bit my shoulder, leaving my T-shirt damp where her mouth was. Fucking A, I couldn’t take much more of this shit. I needed to fuck the shit out of her. Slamming up into her, I felt my dick bottom out in her tight pussy. Her dress was covering her ass, and I wanted to feel the firm, smooth globes in my hands, so I gathered it up around her waist. She had on some kind of skimpy-ass, barely there panties that had the bottoms of her cheeks hanging out.

My hands alternately squeezed and smoothed circles on both ass cheeks as I pumped into her with a steady pace. Without warning, I smacked her ass. Her pussy instantly clamped tight around me, and she moaned. My hand resumed circling on her ass to soothe the sting.

Fuck, she looked so incredibly sexy riding my cock. Her cheeks were flushed, and her jade green eyes were glazed over with pleasure. Those plump, red lips were still swollen from sucking on my cock, and that was a major fucking turn on. Beautiful tits swelled above the top of her dress neckline, and I couldn’t stop myself from licking across the tops and down into her cleavage. The thought of my cock sliding between her luscious breasts battled with the thought of her nipples rolling under my tongue and had me pumping faster. I reached up and pulled her dress down to allow them to rest on the top of the dress, putting them on display. One side of her dress slipped down over her shoulder.

“Come for me, Becca. Fucking hell, come all over my cock.” I continued the onslaught to her pussy walls, feeling her body begin to tense before she tightened around my cock.

“You’re close; I can feel it. Fuck me hard and come. Do it, baby, now,” I demanded. The need to feel her hot core throbbing around me was all-consuming. She bit her full lower lip and moaned. “Yeah, that’s it. Fucking let loose, baby girl. Hurry or I’m getting there without you.” Her magnificent tits shook and bounced with each thrust, and I bit down on them one at a time, then licked and sucked them reverently.

She shouted as her walls clenched around my cock in tight, rapid spasms. I felt a flood of wetness as I continued to fuck her for all I was worth. Jesus, I needed to fill her with a desperation that felt primal. Her tits bounced franticly by this time, as I fucking slammed deep into her until I felt myself on the verge of exploding.

Tension started low in my back and snaked up my spine. Her ass slapped against my thighs, and I grabbed it, digging my fingers into her ass cheeks to pull it tight to me as I unloaded in her with a roar. I felt like a fucking caveman. It was like my cum spraying inside her marked her as mine.

Fuck. I buried my face in her hair, inhaling the scent that was just her, and held her tight to me as my cock pulsed every last drop into her.

What the fuck was that?

We were both fucking panting like rabid dogs. Jesus, you have no idea. The back of the limo smelled like straight sex. Hopefully it cleared out by the time everyone else climbed in later tonight, or we were busted for sure. Not that I cared, but she might.

When we felt the limo slowing to a stop, she quickly jumped from my lap, straightening her dress and nearly sending me into shock simply from the loss of contact and her incredible warmth.

Shit, what had this woman done to me? I reluctantly tucked my cock back in my pants just as the driver opened the door. She was flushed, her hair was a mess, and there was no denying she had been well satisfied. Our eyes met, and we both started laughing.

I tipped the driver as Becca grabbed my hand. Together, we entered the hotel and rode the elevator up to the floor where we all had rooms. As the elevator made its slow ascent, my hand slipped up the back of her dress and along her thigh to slip a finger in her wet panties. On my way up, I felt our mixed cum running down the inside of one thigh, and I rubbed it into her skin. Looking deep into her eyes, I knew she was aware of what the fuck I was doing.

“Your room or mine?” she asked me in a husky whisper.

“It doesn’t matter to me, but I’m crashing in a double room with Hacker,” I confessed. She ran the tip of her tongue along her bottom lip in a sexy-as-hell way and led me to her room. Fucking hell, I was glad she had gotten a room to herself, but I would have totally locked Hacker out of the room if need be.

We barely made it through the door before we were ripping each other’s clothes off. I needed her naked body exposed to me, her silky skin sliding against mine. It didn’t matter that I had just come twice in the limo. Mystical voodoo was all I could attribute it to, because God knew the last time I was this fucking horny.

Grabbing her by the tops of her legs, I lifted her around my waist and carried her to the bed. When I tossed her naked ass on the center of the mattress, her chest shook as her body bounced on landing. God, she had perfect fucking tits. I could lick and squeeze them all damn day and be a happy man. An extremely happy man. Her glorious, deep red hair spread wildly across the stark white of the sheet and pillows. That bottom lip held between her teeth as she looked at me with a total “come fuck me” expression broke any resolve I was holding onto.

My eyes scanned slowly over her body, taking in those perfect mounds topped with tightened, dusky, pert nipples; her flat, toned belly; the full curve of her hips; and those long, sexy fucking legs.

Fuck Me. The carpet matched the drapes.

I climbed on the bed, spreading those perfect legs, licking and biting up the insides of her thighs. Her skin was silky smooth against my cheek and lips. The dark red hair at the apex of her legs was trimmed close and in a thin strip that seemed to point straight to that wet piece of heaven. The scent of her arousal invaded my senses, and I rested my head on her belly as I breathed her in deeply. She smelled like us.

Her delicate hands grabbed my hair, pulling me up her body. My weight resting on one forearm, I ran my fingers through her deep red hair before fisting it to tip her head back where I could have better access to her neck. I rained kisses down her throat, biting her shoulder, and back up to suck her skin into my mouth. She tasted sweet like sugar cookies and ripe berries. When she spread her legs open farther for me to be able to nestle closer to her, my cock probed against her warm center of its own volition.

“Yesssss. Mmmmm, Hollywood…” Her voice was a plea, and my cock slipped in to be surrounded by her slick warmth. She was killing me. Second by second, minute by minute, she was drawing me into her, to a place where I would eventually lose myself completely.

“Harder. Faster.” Her hands roamed over me, and her nails scored my back. My pace increased at her demand.

“Mason. My name is Mason. Say it.”

“Mason,” she breathed out.

My chin pulled close to my chest, my heart beating in a rapid-fire rhythm, I lost myself in her.

The room was filled with the sound of our breath, slight moans, and the slapping of skin on skin. There was no way I would have thought it was possible, but she tightened even further around my length, and I couldn’t hold back any longer. My cock burst with hot cum, emptying into her to overflowing. As I continued to pulse inside her, I reached between us to circle her clit with a firm touch. She arched off the bed, gripped her legs around me, clutched my shoulders in her hands, and screamed my name. God, I had never heard a sweeter sound in my whole fucking life.

“Fuuuuuck.” My mind was scrambled.

We lay there for a moment before I rolled off her and sat on the edge of the bed. My head hung down and my arms rested on my thighs. Jesus. My lungs struggled to draw in a deep breath, and I threw my head back in supplication. God, help me.

She crawled off the bed and grabbed my hand. “Come on, sexy. Let’s clean up a bit.” Mindlessly, I followed her to the shower. As we stood with the hot water running down our bodies, my fingers reached up to trail lightly over the rivulets streaming down her chest. Circling a nipple with my index finger, had it puckering under my gentle touch. Her head still tipped back in the water, I looked up to watch her eyes close and her luscious lips part. She was beautiful. In a simpler world, I could’ve been tempted to keep her.

Her chest heaved with each breath she took. Needing to taste her, I leaned down to bury my nose behind her ear and allowing my tongue to trail down her neck. Nipping and kissing my way down, I knelt in front of her and slid my hands from the back of her thighs up over her perfect ass. Her silky skin was flawless and addictive. Squeezing her tight in my hands, I placed a gentle kiss on the deep red curls at the top of her pussy. She was a goddess. Venus rising from the sea. If she was mine, I would worship her body daily – show her how precious she was to me. If only I were a different man…

In resignation, I stood. Accepting this was just for tonight was difficult for me, and that in itself was abnormal. Just the thought of telling her goodbye left a bitter taste on my tongue. Completely out of character, I had to remind myself I didn’t want a forever with any woman. Shoving all thought to the back of my mind, I poured body wash into my hand and began sliding it sensuously over her curves.

We took turns lathering each other and rinsing off, before I turned off the water. The thick white towels hung on the rack, and I grabbed one to gently dry her body head to toe. After wrapping it around her, I reached for my own and briskly dried off.

With the towel carelessly discarded on the floor, she flopped naked on the bed and looked me in the eye with a wicked smile. “Holy shit, Mason. That was fucking amazing. You’re absolutely incredible.” I crawled onto the bed and ran my tongue around first one nipple then the other before looking up into her sparkling eyes.

“Who are you telling? Damn, I can’t get enough of you.” My tongue flicked her nipple before I bit it lightly. A groan slipped from my lips as her fingers threaded through my hair, holding me close to her chest. I nipped the bottom side of her breast and worked my way down to her downy curls between her legs.

Having my face buried in her was heaven, and I ate her pussy like a famished man placed before a feast. She reached down to grab my hair, pulling me closer. Could a man be smothered in pussy? ’Cause goddamn, what a way to go.

I nipped her clit before I licked her from there to her ass. She thrashed and groaned as I slid two fingers into her tight, wet passage, curling them to stroke her G-spot. A few well-placed strokes on that sensitive area, and she shattered quickly, with her walls throbbing and squeezing my fingers as she screamed my name. What a beautiful sight and sound. I continued to use my tongue to lave her until I felt I had licked up every drop of her creamy release.

She tasted so damn sweet, and I slid up her body to kiss her. She was going to taste herself on me and know how amazing her release was. Her tongue stroked mine without hesitation as she wrapped her legs around my hips to pull my straining cock toward her soaking wet pussy. Never let it be said I couldn’t take a hint.

Without hesitation, I plunged in balls deep and groaned into her mouth when I felt her warm sheath grip me. Though I planned to take my time, it was as if I lost my fucking mind when I was near her, inside her. Breaking from her lips, I reached down and threw her legs over my shoulders, angling me better to fuck her furious and deep. Shit, I knew I wasn’t going to be able to hold off.

Dammit, I normally have better control than this.

We came together in a massive explosion that left us breathless. Our mixed cum was pushed out of her warm pussy with each slow stroke I made in my effort to extend the pleasure as long as I could. She felt so freakin’ good I didn’t want to leave her body. Being in her was like nothing I’d ever experienced—it was like nirvana.

Finally, I collapsed on the bed next to her and gathered her close to my side. She had utterly exhausted me, and I could barely keep my eyes open. We were both covered in a thin sheen of sweat, but it didn’t stop me from pulling her top leg over mine.

Her hand drew circular patterns on my chest as I absently ran my hand up and down her back from her shoulder to her curved ass. If I thought fucking her would get her out from under my skin, I was terribly wrong. After having just this small sampling of her, I was afraid I would never get enough of this wild child.

HOLLYWOOD’S BREATH SLOWED THEN evened out, and I knew he was sleeping. Shit, that was probably the best sex I’d ever experienced. Ever. I could live with sex like that every day for the rest of my life and die a very happy and replete woman. Something told me it wasn’t just because he had a body to die for and the biggest cock I’d ever seen. There was a weird and powerful… I don’t know… connection between us. Just the smell of his skin under my cheek made me want him again, which was crazy because we had already gone three rounds. I didn’t even know a guy was capable of doing it twice, let alone three times—not including the blowjob in the limo. Damn. Talk about stamina. He was like some kind of sex machine.

In all honesty, I could see myself falling asleep in his arms every night. There was just such a “rightness” in the way I fit into his arms and against his body. We had just met, and the logical part of me knew this was insane. It would be interesting to see where things could lead, but unfortunately, we lived three hours apart, and I was definitely not into long-distance relationships. They never worked. Tried that after college. Never again.

The reasons I couldn’t get attached to this man were an absolutely endless list. For one, I still needed to get Trevor to accept that we were over. I didn’t know why I wasn’t firmer before I left and forced him to comprehend I was D-O-N-E, done. Looking back, I should’ve never agreed to discuss things when I got back, but I wasn’t in the mood to argue the day I left. I’d just wanted to leave, so I took the coward’s way out and agreed to talk more when I returned.

Stupid.

I traced over the colorful tattoos that decorated his arms and the left side of his torso. My fingers skimmed his skin in a feather light touch so I wouldn’t wake him. They were bright and colorful and seemed to reflect a positive energy. Initially, he had appeared to be a normally happy person. So why had he been so broody and bitchy while we were out tonight? It was a strange contradiction to his ink and the persona he gave off. The only reason I could think of was that I had pissed him off in something I said or did, but the alcohol I consumed pretty much hazed and erased most of the night prior to the limo ride from my mind.

As my fingers continued to absently trace the ink on his left arm, I felt uneven ridges. Lifting my head to look where I was tracing, I noticed he had some scars that his tattoos camouflaged. My lips kissed the scars gently as my mind tried to make sense of them and how he could have gotten them. My tongue slipped out and ran over his nipple that rested in front of my face. The stimulation had him fidgeting in his sleep, pulling me closer. A small smile spread across my face at the power I had over his body, even in sleep.

As I rested my head on his firm chest and stroked his sculpted abs, I breathed in his scent, which was a combination of a light cologne, sweat, sex, and something that was just… Mason. It was an intoxicating scent, and it lulled me into a deep sleep filled with passionate embraces with this god-like man.

I woke to kisses along my shoulder and large, calloused hands holding my breasts and stroking along the side of my body. Shivers broke out across my skin as I nestled my ass back into his hard cock. The heat emanating from the satin skin encasing his beautiful appendage seemed to ignite a fire between my legs, and I arched my back, trying to create a better angle in hopes he would enter me.

Jesus, what a way to wake up.

The kisses became love bites and licks, causing me to moan at the sheer ecstasy of the sensations he ignited. His hands stroked along my skin, leaving chills in their wake. That silky-smooth skin slid back and forth across my ass and slipped briefly between my thighs. It was like being on sensory overload. Finally, his cock settled in my folds, which his fingers had deftly lubricated and separated. He tortured me with a slow and teasing pace until I couldn’t stand it anymore. I pulled away to climb on him, straddling his hips.

With a grin, I slid my wetness up and down the length of his engorged cock. I leaned over, crushing my breasts against his chest. My lips were magnetically drawn to his, and I had to kiss him. Then after biting and licking his neck briefly, I sat up smiling.

“So, you call Colton ‘Reaper,’ and they call you Hollywood. That’s your nickname?” I continued to tease his cock while I nibbled and sucked on his fingers that had reached up to touch my face. Growling, he flipped me to my back. I laughed and wrapped my hand around his cock, guiding it back to the center of my wet heat.

“It’s called a road name, and, yes, it’s Hollywood,” he said, sounding barely contained as he thrust in me with a guttural moan followed by a mischievous grin.

“Mmm, Hollywood. Why? Because you’re a porn star in bed?” I giggled as he continued to stroke in and out of me in that slow, teasing stride. At my last question, he raised an eyebrow and slammed deep into me.

Ohhh, yessssss.

The man was freaking incredible in bed. Where had he been all my life?

His cock jumped in me as he laughed. “No, it’s because they say I’m a pretty boy and I’m more suited to Hollywood than a motorcycle club.” He never missed a beat as he smiled, kissed me gently, and nibbled on my jaw and neck. He then whispered in my ear, “I know this is going to sound insane, but… come back to Grantsville with me. I’m not ready to let you go. We have something… I don’t know… I don’t make a habit of asking this, so bear with me… Come back and see where whatever this is between us goes.” My heart hammered in my chest, and I pushed him up and looked at him in question and surprise. His face flushed, and he gave me a puppy dog look in an attempt to make light of the situation.

Mmmm, the badass boy has a soft side…

“Hollywood, it’s not that easy. I have a job. Family.”

When my phone went off, I groaned at the poor timing. Dammit! I stretched over to the nightstand to grab my phone and answered it without looking at the caller ID. I knew it was Steph calling to make sure I was up. We were supposed to go get our hair done before lunch, and the wedding was this afternoon.

“Yessssssssss?” I drew out the greeting as I smiled at Hollywood.

“Tell them you’re fucking busy and you’ll call back in an hour or two.” Hollywood continued his slow, steady assault on my body as he grinned at my attempt to remain “normal” on the phone. My eyes rolled back in my head at how good he felt. When he leaned down and nipped my nipple, I couldn’t help but shake my head and smile at him, though. I smothered a groan as he thrust deep and hard before picking up the slow and steady rhythm again.

“Who the hell is that and what is he doing in your room at seven thirty in the morning?” Stunned, I sat up, dumping an unprepared and dumbfounded Hollywood off me when I realized who was on the phone. Trevor. Shit.

What.

The.

Hell.

Dammit! I looked at Hollywood and the shock on my face along with my dislodging him had him frowning in consternation. “The fuck? Is everything okay? Who is it?” Hollywood questioned.

Oh shit, shit, shit. Damn, Trevor had piss-poor timing. And why was the asshole calling me anyway? I waved at Hollywood to be quiet. I would have to explain to him after I hung up, but first I needed to get rid of Trevor. Damn, I should’ve stuck to my guns with him. I really wasn’t ready to deal with him this morning.

“It’s one of the groomsmen. He came to get me to take us all to breakfast. So, I need to get going.” Dammit. I didn’t want to get into all this with him in front of Hollywood. Of course, this caused Hollywood’s frown to deepen as he sat up in the bed, resting his arms on his raised knees. He was so comfortable in his nudity. It was sexy as hell. The sight of his erection, still wet from me, had my core clenching in lust, and I cursed Trevor for being an ass and having terrible timing.

Trevor didn’t sound overly convinced, but he told me he was just checking on me to make sure I was okay and to see if we had a good time last night. Oh, Trevor you have no idea. I felt my cheeks flush at the thought of last night’s entertainment—and I didn’t mean the strippers.

“Look, Trevor, everything is fine. I need to go. I’ll talk to you when I get home, like I promised. Okay?” I just wanted him to hang up the damn phone so I could get back to my morning wake-up call. Unfortunately, the object of my desire had gotten up and appeared to be in the process of gathering his things. Ending the call, I looked at Hollywood in question as he dressed in his clothes from last night.

“What are you doing? I was hoping we could finish what we started. Do you have to go?” I gave him a teasingly sultry look.

“Evidently, there are a few things you forgot to mention. If you had, I would have told you I don’t fuck around with married or committed women. The fact that you could fuck me like you did, when you have a relationship back ‘home’? Jesus H. Christ. People like you disgust me. You have no morals or concept of commitment. You are exactly the reason I will never settle down with one woman. You’re all the same. To think I thought you were something special and there was a chance… You know what? Never mind.” I watched, speechless, as he pulled on his shirt and ran his hand through his dark blond hair, causing it to stick up on end in a sexy-as-hell way. He looked at me with such contempt, it had me reaching down to grab the sheet in an effort to cover and shield myself from the hatred pouring from his eyes.

My mouth wouldn’t close, let alone form coherent words. My heart felt as if someone had ripped it out, still beating, and thrown it to the ground to stomp on it. There was such an ache in my chest I could hardly breathe. He had totally misunderstood the phone call because he didn’t know the situation. Even though he read everything all wrong, I couldn’t seem to comprehend exactly what had set him off to such an extent.

“I hope you have a nice fucking life, Becca.” My name came out sounding like a curse or a bad taste he was trying to expel from his mouth, and without another look in my direction, he stormed out the door, slamming it closed. I felt like this had to be a bad dream. I physically hurt, and my eyes burned with the tears threatening to fall. What the hell had just happened?

EVEN THOUGH I HADN’T known at the time, I could not fucking believe I had been “the other guy.” Never had I cheated on a woman, nor had I been one to pull someone from a relationship.

Relationship. The word itself damn near gave me hives. Because I just didn’t do relationships ever since I found out my high school sweetheart had cheated on me with my best friend as soon as I left for basic training. When Lorie had been caught with Johnny, his sister had been the one to tell me after I called his house to talk to him because he hadn’t answered his cell. She meant well, but to hear about that over the phone when you knew there was nothing you could do about it? That had devastated me. My trust in women had gone straight to shit.

After I came home, it burned a little every time I saw them. It was hard for them to deny they had been together since he knocked her up almost right away. They were surprisingly still together, and now, years later, I couldn’t give a shit less. I wish them well.

What I had done was made sure every girl I had been with since then knew up front what the deal was. The thing was, I had made a promise to my sister, too. Never fuck with someone who was committed. After her husband had cheated on her with a woman who knew he was married, I swore to her. I fucking swore! Dammit!

To make it worse, I still wanted to bury my dick in Becca. It was like she had woven a spell around me, and I was addicted to her after a single night. Fucking bitch! While she was there sucking on my dick and fucking me senseless, she had a damn husband or boyfriend back home.

The real kicker? Despite how sick it made me, I still craved her body. I could still smell her on my skin. It was intoxicating. God, I needed a shower. Sitting on the closed toilet lid, I held my head in my hands. I felt like such a piece of shit.

Hacker started banging on the door. “Hurry up, man. I have to piss!” Standing, I opened the door and told him to go. I would shower after he was done.

“Damn. What the fuck happened to you? You don’t look like a guy who enjoyed himself last night. I figured, when you didn’t come back to the room last night, that you were off somewhere making some hot piece scream your name. Instead, you look like someone just kicked your fucking puppy. Shit, bro. You okay?” I shook my head and waved him toward the bathroom. Hacker looked at me in confusion before closing the bathroom door.

I flopped on my bed and stared up at the ceiling. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t clear my mind of the images of her body and the way she moaned as I slid deep inside her heat.

Fuck! Stop it!

I turned over, punching the pillow several times in frustration. Shit, the wedding was today, and I would have to walk down the fucking aisle with her and stand across from her as Reaper and Steph said their vows—vows that obviously wouldn’t mean shit to someone like Becca.

Hacker came out of the bathroom, and I grabbed my clean clothes and headed in. Turning on the water as hot as it would go, I stood there staring at my reflection in the mirror as steam filled the bathroom, finally obliterating my image.

The shower curtain rings screeched as I slid the curtain open and then closed after climbing in and standing under the hot spray. Both palms splayed on the wall as I hung my head, allowing the water to wash over me. It streamed down my face, forming a thick torrent that gathered my tears and washed them away to the shower floor and swirled down the drain. What the ever-loving fuck? Jesus, I felt like a pussy. Here I was a grown man sitting here crying over a woman I had just met and screwed. But, shit, I actually felt like we clicked, like maybe there could possibly be more with her—not that I would go so far as to say the “R” word, but hell, maybe… Like I said, that hadn’t happened to me since Lorie and Johnny burned me. Except instead of being something special, I find out she duped me into being the one thing I never wanted to be.

How did she get to me so fast? Before last night, I barely knew she existed. Damn, I could still see her face flushed in embarrassment when she knew she had been caught with the phone call this morning. What I couldn’t believe was she thought we would pick up where we left off after she ended her call with him. Damn, she was a piece of work. A sexy, beautiful, wild, quirky piece of work. I couldn’t believe I had asked her to come home with me. I couldn’t believe I thought we might actually have something. What the hell had I been thinking? Fuck! That just wasn’t like me—I knew better. She just reiterated my stance on relationships and women in general.

After finishing with my shower, I dried quickly and dressed in a black tee and a pair of broken-in jeans that had seen better days, but who the hell cared? I needed to get out of here for a while. Feeling the wind on my face and the rumble of my bike flying down the highway were what the doctor ordered to clear my head. I still had plenty of time to make it back to get ready for the wedding, and I wasn’t going to worry about being early. Besides, if I was a little late, I wouldn’t have to be around her any longer than I had to. Man, I didn’t understand how someone as sweet as Steph could be friends with someone like her. Steph was one of the rare ones. Shit, Steph probably didn’t even really know her “friend” anymore.

Stepping out of the bathroom, I padded barefoot to sit on the bed then stretch on my socks and put my boots on. Hacker was lying in his bed propped against the headboard with his arms behind his head. I felt his eyes on me as I tightened the laces of my last boot.

“You want company?”

“Hey, it’s a free road. You can do as you like. You’re welcome to join me, or you can stay here.” Hacker was a smart guy, and I knew he could tell I was pissed, but I didn’t want to talk right then. What I needed was to get out and away from the walls that felt like they were closing in on me.

There was absolutely nothing like riding my bike to calm my emotions and soothe my mood. It was as if the wind rushing past grabbed all of the negativity and self-depreciating feelings clinging to me and ripped them off until the last grasping tentacle of despair and anger left me. My bike had been one of my saving graces after I was discharged from the Army. The shit Reaper and I had been through during our many deployments together were things that no one should have to experience. Just because we were good at our jobs and able to compartmentalize it while we were active didn’t mean it didn’t weigh heavy on us. There were so many times I was afraid we weren’t coming home, I couldn’t begin to count them. I tried not to let all that stuff eat me alive, but it was hard.

PTSD was a bitch, and there were times I did better than others. Thankfully, I never found myself scraping bottom to the extent Reaper did, and shit, it tore my fucking heart out when I found him in that shithole in San Antonio after he was discharged. People talk about how the VA is there for soldiers after they get out, but mostly it’s total bullshit. It’s so damn easy to slip through the cracks. Reaper was living proof of that—almost not living proof. I can’t even let myself go down the what-if-I-hadn’t-found-him-when-I-did path. It tears me up inside some days.

Honestly, I was lucky. After the IED explosion in Afghanistan that claimed the lives of our interpreter and a young specialist, it took months of recovery for us. Physically that is… Mentally, I think we’re still recovering. Sometimes that day runs through my head on repeat.

The Humvee we traveled in rocked and jolted along the crappy dirt trail they called a road in this godforsaken hellhole named Afghanistan. We were in a small convoy headed to a rendezvous point where we would meet up with a trusted informant and then break off and get into position to take out a key member of the fucking piece of shit Taliban. Reaper, he was SSG Alcott to me then, and I always said it was a hopeless cause, because it just seemed you kill one and another sprouted up to take his place, but it was our mission, and we were damn good soldiers. There hadn’t been anyone on the road as we traveled, and it gave an eerie, unnatural feel to the land. We were all on edge and alert, watching for anything that seemed out of place or suspicious.

We were about fifteen clicks out from the rendezvous point when we hit a large rock, causing us to swerve and nearly go off the road. It scared the shit out of me. Suddenly, there was a loud explosion, and none of us heard anything for a few minutes, but we flew through the air, tumbling over and over. Debris in the Humvee flew around inside like missiles, hitting us repeatedly before working its way out a window as we tumbled. We thought a camelback or canteen had busted open, mixing with all the dirt and dust because it splattered all over us inside the Humvee.

My hearing slowly returned, along with a constant ringing sound, as we came to a stop at an angle against a bunch of boulders and rocks. The driver’s side of the vehicle was caved in and mangled. I heard screaming coming from up front, and I realized it was Reaper. My legs were numb, and when I looked down, they rested at unnatural angles, and my ACU bottoms were charred and bloody. The smell around us was revolting. Burning flesh was a smell you never hoped to experience, and if you did, it was not one you were likely to forget.

The driver was covered in blood, and he looked at Reaper. He mumbled something, but I still couldn’t hear well, and then I saw him cough and gurgle before blood ran out of his nose and mouth, dripping down on Reaper. Through my muffled ears, I heard Reaper yelling, “No, no, no, no, no, no, no!” I tried to get out of the Humvee, but my legs were jacked up. When I looked next to me, the interpreter was staring sightless at the roof of the Humvee with one remaining eye. The left side of his head and where his arm and shoulder should be was just… gone. Gaping, mangled flesh edged the area. My hands ripped at the straps holding me in, and I started screaming before Reaper yelled for me to hold on and asking if I was okay. My eyes looked back to my legs, trying to see if I had hallucinated and maybe they were gone, too. Why wouldn’t they work? It felt like I was suffocating. Part of my brain knew I was hyperventilating; the other part felt I was coming apart at my seams.

Voices shouted and gunshots exploded around us as bullets pinged off the rocks. I had no idea who was shooting or what the condition of the rest of the convoy was. I was trapped, and my crazed eyes looked around me as my head twisted in a wild scan to see where things were happening. The gunshots tapered off before they finally stopped. We heard yelling and boots running in various directions. No matter how hard I tried to see outside the Humvee, it was hopeless. We were lying on my side of the vehicle, and all I could see was the rock out of my door. “SSG Alcott! SGT Lange! SPC Thompkins! Is anyone still in there?” That was when the adrenaline started to fade and the pain started to set in. I remembered excruciating pain, moaning, and then blackness. That was the beginning of the next few months of hell…

We had med-evac’ed into Germany first. After that, they shipped us to BAMC, Brook Army Medical Center, down in San Antonio, Texas. I sat by Reaper and talked to him every fucking day. They had him in a medically induced coma for what felt like forever because of his severe TBI and the injuries he suffered. Sometimes I thought he heard me; other times I just prayed he did. He was wrapped up and wired up to so many machines it scared the shit out of me. There were countless times I would sit by his bedside in a wheelchair and doze. After he finally came around, he gave me shit about both my lower legs being casted and how would I chase girls with them. Those were the few moments that he seemed like the old Colton I knew. Most of the time, he just lay there staring out the window.

The doctors and nurses tried to explain his injuries to him, but he didn’t want to listen or talk to them. When he finally asked me, I explained to him he suffered fractures to his left arm, the side of his skull, three of his left ribs, his left leg had a rod at the thigh, and the lower leg had pins, plates, and screws. It killed me to have to tell him what we had thought was mud from the dirt and a busted canteen was all of our blood being tossed around inside the Humvee. A fucking human milkshake. If we hadn’t hit that giant-ass rock in the road, we would have all been killed instantly, but they said it set us off-track just enough.

We lost a few good friends that day in the firefight that ensued after the explosion, not including our driver and interpreter in the Humvee with us. It fucking sucked, and it tore me apart inside at nights while I lay alone thinking. You do a lot of thinking laid up in the hospital with nothing better to occupy your time.

Reaper and I spent Christmas and New Years in the hospital. Yeah, I had suffered mild burns and breaks to both of my lower legs, but they healed long before Reaper did, so I used to walk in Reaper’s room—first with my walker, then the cane—and made it my mission to get him to mentally come back to me. I gave him shit and talked his ear off in an attempt to get any kind of response out of him. Even after I was released to the Warrior Transition Unit, or WTU, I went to the hospital daily, whether I had a therapy appointment or not. We were brothers, maybe not by blood, but in every sense that mattered.

In a last-ditch effort, I went to see Reaper one more time before I left to go home. I had already spent a week of my terminal leave with him trying to convince him to come up to Iowa after they discharged him from the Army. Every time I’d asked him, he always said he would think about it. He never called me, and I was worried as hell about him. When you lived through all the shit we had, you ended up with a bond most people would never understand. Brotherhood.

My family was supportive, and I was lucky I had them to help keep me grounded after I went home. My dad had been a biker my whole life, so it was second nature for me to ride a bike before I even drove a fucking car. Scared the crap out of my mom, but she never once told me no. By the time I joined the Army, I probably had more experience on a bike than a lot of the guys I was stationed with put together. So, it was no surprise to anyone when I put a lot of miles on my bike after I got home… just riding with no destination in mind.

When I was finally accepted as a prospect for the Demented Sons MC, I felt I had gained some of the camaraderie back that I felt lacking after the Army. We were more than that, though… we were a family. But without Reaper, something was still missing. After numerous voice mails with no reply, the last time I called, his cell had been disconnected. I literally felt as if I had been torn in two when I couldn’t get in touch with him. Hacker had mercy on me and tracked him down, because having served, he understood the bond you have with those you deploy with. With me being a prospect, he shouldn’t have, but we kept it between us, though I had no idea how I was going to get to him. As a prospect, I really didn’t have the luxury of running off whenever I wanted. It sucked big time.

Nightmares plagued me, but I dealt with it as best I could. Going into grocery stores, malls, department stores, and places like that was awful. I fucking hated it. The crowds had my skin crawling and my senses on overdrive. When I first got home, I drank a lot too, but after riding my bike home drunk one too many nights, my dad had my ass and told me he worried every damn day about me coming home from combat in a fucking box and he would be damned if he was going to let me climb in one of my own volition after I was lucky enough to have made it home from that hellhole alive. I remembered thinking I was glad he thought I was lucky, because I swore it felt like I’d never be whole again… like a part of me was left back in that shithole, never to be recovered.

I decided to get help with counseling for a while. God, I hated the fucking meds they put me on at the VA. They made me feel like I was swimming in syrup half the time, and I couldn’t bust a nut for shit. I felt like a freak whenever I had sex with a girl. It sucked. The pain pills made me high, and they became a little too easy to take. That scared me too. So, I quit taking the shit, and with Hacker, Gunny, and my dad’s help, I quit drinking so heavy. Sure, I may use a little weed every so often when shit gets especially bad or I can’t sleep, but not enough to really get high, just to take the edge off.

The most important thing I did, though, was making it my mission to enjoy life and appreciate the gift I had been given by coming home in one piece, as my dad put it. Maybe a broken, slightly scarred piece, but one piece just the same. So many didn’t.

For the most part, it worked. I kept my ink bright to remind me of the happiness I had all around me. I loved my brothers in the MC, and the day I got patched was one of the best and worst days of my life. The gauntlet I had to run with everyone getting a hit in left me bruised and battered, but it was a rite of passage, and I accepted it with honor. But shit, it fucking hurt. Damn.

All in all, I had a great life. Women loved me, and I loved women. My little family was there for me, and I had my brothers in the club. It was easy to tell myself I didn’t need any more than that.

When the prez, Snow, told me I was going along with Gunny to a small town outside of San Antonio, Texas, I knew there must have been divine intervention involved in that shit. Call me crazy if you want, but some shit in life makes you believe in fate.

We were heading down to pick up a bike we had been hired to customize for some rich fucker. Gunny was my sponsor in the club, and as a Marine, he had deployed to Iraq a few times before getting out. During our time together, I talked a lot about Colton; he wasn’t Reaper until he came home with me and joined the club. We made a detour to the shitty neighborhood he had holed up in and pretty much dragged him with us. There was no way in hell either of us was leaving a brother in arms behind like that. We never admitted it out loud, but even hardened as we were, it scared the shit out of us.

Now here we all were in Vegas with Reaper, where he was preparing to marry the love of his life and mother of his child—soon to be children. Returning to the hotel, I pulled back into the parking lot with Hacker rolling up next to me as I backed into a parking spot. Killing the motor, I sat for a minute in silence, listening to the occasional ticking of my motor. Hacker threw a questioning look my way, but I appreciated his silence. The ride distracted me and calmed me, as I hoped. Thank God. Now if only I could get a certain redhead out of my mind and move on.

WHAT A SELF-RIGHTEOUS BASTARD. The more I stewed on the events of this morning, the angrier I became. It wasn’t like Hollywood had worried about whether I was with someone when he pinned me up against the wall in the club… or when he was screwing my brains out in the limo. How dare he be so accusatory and condescending to me when he didn’t even know the entire story?

Like I said, Trevor’s call had definitely been unwanted and occurred with horrible timing. If I had thought to look at the caller ID, I wouldn’t have answered and I would’ve dealt with Trevor later. For the thousandth time, I questioned myself regarding my stupid decision to agree to talk about our relationship when we got back. Damn me for being non-confrontational and not wanting to deal with a big blow up right before I left. Now it’d come back to bite me in the ass. Shit.

Hollywood was so different from Trevor and every other guy I had dated, if the truth be told. He was funny, sweet, hot, gorgeous, sexy, and hot. Oh, did I mention hot? Geez, there had to be a better way to describe him, but hot just described him… singe-your-heart hot. Set-your-nerves-on-fire hot.

His eyes were an amazing blend of a tawny gold and a dark green, making them possibly the most beautiful hazel I had ever seen. His dark blond hair always stood up in a short, wild mess like he had just rolled out of bed and run his hands through it, calling it good. He seemed like he was a tease and a happy guy at first. I caught a glimpse of that side of him again this morning before the phone call. But physical attributes aside, he was the perfect blend of sensitive lover while being a total alpha when he wanted something. He also seemed secure in himself, happy in his skin.

His hot and cold threw me for a loop, though. He started out flirty, got pissy, turned hot and sex-driven, then sensual, loving, and funny, and then pissy again. If I was honest, and if we were closer, I could have seen us finding a way to see what developed, but I sincerely didn’t expect much more than a little fun last night. The more I considered it, I wondered if he only mentioned me going home with him because he knew I wouldn’t. And why had he been angry last night before we left the club? Surely he wasn’t jealous? That was impossible. He didn’t even know me. Maybe he’d decided to rock my world after the bachelorette party and got pissed when he thought I was hooking up with the other guy instead of him. Maybe? Funny, I couldn’t even recall that guy’s face now.

Oh, well. To hell with Hollywood. I probably wouldn’t ever see him again after the wedding anyway. It didn’t do me any good to sit here and brood over him and his up and down attitude. We had a great night full of great sex—exactly what I had set out to do. No harm, no foul. So why did my chest still ache when I pictured the look of disgust on his face before he walked out my door?

The laughter and tittering of the girls as we all sat and had our hair and makeup done at the salon was grating on my nerves. I felt wound up and on edge. The constant conversation around me was nothing but a wordless drone that drilled through my head. Shit, I needed some Tylenol for my pounding headache. The smell of hair chemicals in the salon wasn’t helping either, and my nostrils felt like they burned from it.

My hair and makeup were done, and the stylist turned me toward the mirror for my approval. I didn’t even recognize myself in the reflection that stared back at me. Over the last few years, I had rarely applied makeup, with the exception of last night, and my hair ended up in a ponytail or braid more often than not. I always felt like I had the “good girl” elementary school teacher image to uphold. Not to mention, Trevor felt too much makeup was a sign of vanity, and he didn’t really approve.

The stylist had outdone herself. My deep auburn locks were swept up in a sleek twist that ended in a tumble of curls. She had captured the usual wild tangle into smooth ringlets that cascaded down and teased the top of my left shoulder. My makeup was soft, but my eyes were dramatic and appeared to be a deep jade color framed by a thick fringe of lashes. I never felt like I was ugly, but she made me look… well, just, wow.

When the first thought in my head was to wonder if Hollywood would think I looked good, I gave myself a mental kick. Ugh! What the heck was wrong with me? Who cared what he thought? Well, actually I hoped he ate his heart out. Ha! Jerk. I was looking forward to sliding the silky, form-fitting, black bridesmaid dress on and strutting my stuff. A smug smile spread across my face. I would show his ass.

I was starting to look forward to antagonizing him and pouring it on thick. You see, I knew how to work myself and my body. Just because I had tried to maintain a low-key appearance and life for the last few years didn’t mean the real me wasn’t buried deep inside. Now, I felt like a butterfly breaking out of its chrysalis of self-imposed restraint to be the person I should have been all along. I took a deep, cleansing breath. Damn, it felt liberating.

Steph and Reaper had chosen a little chapel called the Graceland Wedding Chapel with the officiator of the wedding dressed like Elvis. They decided not to have Elvis walk her down the aisle though, as that was an honor reserved for her father. It was sweet and an experience they would never forget. The bright smile on my face had been in place since we arrived, and I couldn’t have held it back if I tried. Just seeing how happy Steph was made me feel warm and fuzzy inside. Her husband-to-be was hot as hell, lucky bitch, and she would have her beautiful baby girl, Remi, as her flower girl. They would all be a real family, finally.

I remembered being with her the day she found out she was pregnant. She’d been terrified with no idea where Colton, aka Reaper, was back then. She was strong, and I was so proud of her for having Remi, working hard to be what and where she wanted in life, and for being a survivor. After everything she had been through, she totally deserved every bit of this happiness.

We all stood around, looking in the mirrors set up for us to get ready with to double check our hair, makeup, and dresses. All of our dresses were different styles, but each of them were black and classy. I wore the same black heels from last night. They had a black platform with five-inch heels, and I loved how they tighten up my calves, making them look even more sculpted and firm. For the second time this trip, I thanked my escape time to the gym for having a tight butt, and thanked the booby fairy for her blessings. Yeah, Hollywood, eat your damn heart out.

My heart gave a little gallop just from his name running through my mind. For the first time since arriving, my smile slipped. Disgusting. Jesus. I needed to get a grip. Yes, he was gorgeous and a good lay, but that was all he was. I couldn’t even stand him anymore. There was no reason he should be taking up so much real estate in my head. So, tossing him out of my head like a piece of trash, I pasted my smile back on my face and finished settling Steph’s veil around her shoulders. She was a beautiful bride. Stunning, really.

“God, Steph, you look beautiful. I’m so damn happy for you. Who would have thought we would be here today? Destiny has a crazy way of twisting and turning until your life gets to where it’s supposed to be, huh, chica?” Tears welled in her eyes as she hugged me.

“I love you, Becca. Thank you for being there for me through the pregnancy and all. I wouldn’t change any of it if it meant I wouldn’t be where I am now.”

The wedding music began to play, and we all kissed her on the cheek as we exited the room, leaving her to her father. He was such a handsome man, and he looked like he was going to burst with pride or collapse from the stress of giving away his baby girl. A chuckle escaped me, imagining my own dad someday. Hopefully. I sighed. Someday, I hoped this would be me getting ready for my own wedding.

Being the maid of honor meant I had to walk down the aisle with him since he was the best man. God, give me strength. I tried not to make eye contact as I reached to hook my arm through his as we prepared to start down the aisle toward the little Elvis impersonator. The other members of the wedding party, who had walked before us, awaited on either side of the archway ahead. When my hand touched the crook of his arm, I felt a jolt of energy and the heat of his arm through his crisp, white, long-sleeve shirt. There went my heart again.

Breathe, Becca. Deep breaths. It was just primitive sexual tension, that’s all. That’s what I kept telling myself. God, he smelled so damn good. Okay, maybe not so deep of breaths. My appreciation of his firm muscles under that white shirt was strictly a result of appreciating a beautiful male form, not because they were his muscles. Definitely nothing to do with him. Nope.

As we separated at the archway, I snubbed my nose to him and turned the other way to take my place. We glared at each other from our respective sides as we waited for the bride to walk up the aisle. I noted Colton’s—ugh, Reaper… I needed to remember to refer to him as Reaper—curious expression as he looked between the two of us, and I pasted my fake smile back on. He raised an eyebrow at me and gave me a questioning glance. I smiled bigger and was so relieved when the wedding march began to play, pulling his attention to his bride as she slowly advanced down the aisle toward him.

Reaper and Steph were exchanging vows and rings. So, what did I do? I resumed glaring at Hollywood. I hope he chokes on wedding cake later. Why did he make these evil thoughts swim in my head? My teeth ground in frustration. Thankfully, it was a brief ceremony, and before we knew it, we were headed back to the banquet room at the hotel for the reception.

The toasts, congratulations, and dinner were a blur of laughter and smiles. Despite my own inner turmoil, I was truly happy for them. When it was time for the bride to throw her bouquet, I joined the single ladies but hung back behind everyone else. Truth be told, I would have been just as happy to stay seated for the whole bouquet thing. When it smacked me in the face, I reached up, pulling it to my chest by sheer reflex. My mouth gaping open as all the girls teased, patted, hugged, and kissed me, I stood staring at the bouquet like it was a viper. When I raised my gaze from the deep red roses, my line of sight collided with Hollywood’s. He stood there with his arms crossed over his chest, and if looks could kill, I would have dropped dead on the spot.

What the hell? Asshole.

I made the excuse of having to use the restroom to freshen up and pee, and rushed toward the door with my nose buried in the fragrant roses as I walked. The petals felt like the finest velvet, and I couldn’t resist rubbing my nose on them again. Roses were my favorite flower, and these were beautiful, but I didn’t deserve to catch the bouquet. I didn’t even have anyone. At this rate, I never would. A heavy cloak of melancholy settled around my shoulders.

When I returned to the reception, it was just in time to watch the bride’s dance with her father end and the one with her new husband begin. It was a magnificent sight. Steph was a radiant bride, and Reaper beamed with love and pride. It didn’t hurt that he was absolutely striking in his white shirt and bow tie, despite being dressed in his biker vest thingy now.

When the bride and groom’s dance ended to deafening applause and whistles, they called the bridal party to the dance floor for their dance and my feet froze to the floor.

Shit. No. No, I wasn’t dancing with him. No way. Oh Lord.

There he stood, in the middle of the dance floor, dressed the same as Reaper now, and his eyes met mine once again. He waited with a haughty expression, which I did my best to replicate. Huffing, I grabbed myself by my big girl panties, gently set the bridal bouquet at my seat, and walked toward him.

I stepped into his arms as the music began to play, and my heart leaped at his touch and raced at being so close to him. He pulled me closer and my nipples hardened as they encountered the leather of his vest with only the thin black fabric of my dress separating them. My eyes closed, and I took a deep breath, attempting to collect myself, but that was a big mistake. Because when I did, I breathed in his cologne, and I felt my face and chest flush with the pleasure of just inhaling his scent. Spicy, exotic, and leather… Why did he have to smell so damn good? Hell, if my hooha didn’t clench just from that and his touch.

“So, congratulations on the bouquet. I guess that means you and Trevor will probably be next.” His voice was strained and snide. My eyes flashed open in hurt and annoyance to see him looking down at me with a blank expression.

Why was he being so hateful? God, he was such an ass.

“Doubtful.” My voice snapped out. I just couldn’t get any other words out at that point. I knew I would sound breathless and shaky if I did. My body was screaming for him just by being this close to his. It was as if my very soul sensed his was close and put every cell in my body on high alert. Traitorous damn body. I looked away so I didn’t drown in the green that had taken over his beautiful hazel eyes. It wasn’t fair that he was so freaking cute but such a damn jerk.

As he spun me at the corner of the dance floor, his hand gripped my hip tighter to keep us together through the turn. He was an amazing dancer, I hated to admit. When his hand slid down across the curve of my ass, I jumped and my shaken gaze collided with his. His nostrils flared, and the muscle in his jaw jumped as he pulled me even closer so that we were nearly touching head to toe. His erection was enough to be felt through his black denim, and I was completely stunned. My ego started to feel a boost knowing, even with the contempt he felt for me, he still desired me. Without meaning to, my lips curved into a satisfied smirk.

I swear he growled. Yes, growled. Guess he didn’t like being turned on by me.

Too damn bad, asswipe.

When we turned at the next corner, he spun us off the dance floor and proceeded to drag me along by my hand down the hall that led to the bathrooms. I protested to no avail. He kept pulling me along, past the bathrooms and entered a door at the end of the hall.

“Ummm, it’s a storage closet? Is there something you needed, Hollywood? Perhaps you wanted to mop the dance floor? Need more toilet paper?” Yeah, the sarcasm was rolling off my tongue. I was such a bitch. Oh well, if he didn’t like it, he shouldn’t have been such an ass to me. The door closed with a sharp click.

“Yes,” he said as he grabbed me by the waist, setting me on top of a table along the wall. “Dammit all to hell. I fucking hate myself for it, but I need you.” His lips crashed to mine with a ferocity that took my breath away. Our tongues battled and tangled as he slid my dress up my thighs to spread my legs and step in between my knees. His hands grabbed my ass and roughly slid me closer until my hot core was flush with his encased erection. With a satisfied moan slipping from my lips into his mouth, my hands threaded through his hair. Fuck it. Despite my mind’s resolve to snub him, my heart and body craved him. The kiss was like none other I had ever experienced. Wild, passionate, and consuming.

His warm, calloused fingers slid up my inner thigh to cup my throbbing core. My panties were soaked, so there was no denying my arousal. His small groan told me he noticed. When a single finger slid them to the side and dipped in and out of the moisture pooling there, my hands clutched tight to the back of his neck and shoulder. In desperation, my hips tilted, trying to pull his probing fingers deeper inside me.

Without warning, he pulled away from me. His eyes were wide, and his hands fisted before he banged them on his head.

“Shit! I can’t fucking do this! What are you doing to me?” He turned to slam out the door. My arms, which had remained outstretched and suspended in my shock, fell helplessly to my side. For the second time that day, he left me sitting with my mouth hanging open and panting in sexual frustration like I had run a marathon.

SLAMMING INTO MY ROOM, I pulled out the small duffle I had brought and stuffed my few belongings into it. I dug out my cell phone and sent off a text to Reaper, apologizing for ditching out early from the reception. Then I called Snow and told him I had to take care of a few things and I would meet everyone at the hotel in Gallup, NM.

We had taken the longer ride down across I40 instead of the more direct route through Denver due to the temperatures and weather in early October. We had brought trailers with the SUV and truck, so if we got tired or the weather got bad, we could take turns riding, driving, and hauling. Two days and nearly 1800 miles is a long time on a bike, even if you love the hell out of it.

Snow asked if I wanted someone to ride with me, and I told him no, I was good, and to let everyone enjoy the reception. I would stow my cut to avoid any issues on the road since I would be riding solo. You just don’t go flashing your colors around in another MC’s territory. Snow told me to be careful, which I always was. After tapping out a quick text to Joker and Hacker, I stuffed my phone into my inner pocket of my jacket.

With careless regard for my shit, I shoved the bag and my cut in the saddle bags and climbed on. I had always ridden a soft tail, but decided to spoil myself after returning home from the Army, and bought a black Street Glide. I fucking loved this bike.

Damn, I was so pissed at myself and her, I was shaking. Searching my pockets, I found the stub of a joint, stuck it between my lips and lit the end. A couple of puffs and I felt my tension ease. A couple more and it was pretty much used up. Far from high, but feeling calmer, I tossed it to the ground and exhaled the last breath I had held.

Jerking on my helmet, I settled in and zipped my jacket up all the way. Clutch, brake, and then I was putting her in neutral before flipping the engine switch and hitting the start button. She purred to life with a deep rumble, and I gunned the throttle to blow out the dust. Shit, I loved the Rinehart true duel pipes I had added. Best sound, ever… next to the little sighs and moans Becca made as our bodies collided…

What the hell? Fuck me.

Let’s go, baby. We need some asphalt under our wheels.

There would be about six hours to think on the way to Gallup. As I eased on the throttle, I left the situation tearing at my heart and dick behind me. Too bad it didn’t flush this fucked-up situation from my mind as well.

It was late and the roads had been nearly deserted most of the night. At about two in the morning, I pulled off the interstate and up to the hotel we stopped at on the way down. Of course, I had made good time, and let’s just say I was lucky I hadn’t encountered any damn cops. Habit had me backing my bike into a spot in front of the hotel. My head was screaming, and I had hoped to have a drink at the bar before I hit the sack, but I didn’t make it before closing time. Oh well, I walked over to the 24-hour convenience store across from the hotel and picked up a fifth of Jack. Yeah, I may not drink much anymore, but tonight was definitely a Jack night.

After checking in, I dropped my bags in my room and walked to the chair in front of the open curtains without turning on the lights. Restless, I sat staring out the window at the night lights, tipped the bottle up, and tried to forget her.

Damn, she’d lured me like a siren and woven her very essence through my veins. Her face flashed like a strobe light in my mind with all her beautiful expressions a kaleidoscope in my head. Visions of her laughing with her eyes twinkling, angry with eyes dark and gleaming, and painfully clear was the expression on her beautiful face as she was lost in passion, on the brink of imploding. That was when her lips were full and red, her mouth parted with her gasping breaths, and her lashes casting shadows over her glazed jade eyes.

She was under my skin, and I couldn’t stand it. Never had I been so hung up on a woman. And of course, I had to become obsessed with an unfaithful bitch. The problem was, she had her claws in me after one night, and I was on the verge of throwing away all my morals and promises for her sweet, addictive pussy. That was why I had to leave. The only cure I could think of was to find someone else to bury my cock in until the memories of her were nothing but hazy photographs in my mind. If I could lock her away with the memories of all the shit from my deployments, including the accident in Afghanistan, I knew I would be okay. Yeah, just lock it all away—easier said than done.

It didn’t take me long to polish off the bottle in the mood I was in. Good thing I hadn’t bought a bigger bottle, because I could have kept going. When I stood up, the alcohol hit me like lightning, and I swayed on my feet.

Whoa. This was why I quit drinking so much of that shit.

Boots kicked off, I flipped back the bedspread and crashed face down on the bed. My heavy eyes drifted closed, and I fell asleep with green eyes, red lips, and deep auburn hair racing through my mind. I could have sworn I even smelled her perfume.

Shit, I was so fucked.

TREVOR FOLLOWED ME THROUGH the door and tossed his keys to the table. Shit, I wish he would have let me take a cab home from the airport. What the hell was I thinking telling him when I was flying in? The silent ride home was tortuous. It made me just want to crawl in bed and pretend the trip to Vegas never happened.

Couldn’t I just go upstairs and pack my bags? The furniture that was mine didn’t even seem to matter. He could keep it, or I could get it another time. Of course, he wanted to talk right fricking now. Damn him. What had I ever seen in him, other than he was good looking, had a good job, and seemed so respectable? Which sure as hell didn’t really seem so important now.

“You shouldn’t wear so much makeup, Becca. It makes you look cheap. What would your students and their parents say if they saw you looking like that? Appearances are important, baby. I’ve told you this before. No one wants their child being taught by a loose and easy woman. Right?” My teeth gritted in frustration as I looked in the mirror over the hall table to make sure I hadn’t gone heavy with my face this morning. After all, I did have to cover the dark circles I woke with after a fitful night.

Wait. What did my makeup have to do with being easy or not? And why in the holy hell did I look right away, intent on fixing whatever he said was wrong? Sheesh, he really was an idiot, or maybe I was the idiot. How did I let myself fall into his controlling manner? It was like I never even saw it, or more likely, I inadvertently allowed it because I was trying so hard for “respectability.” I was really beginning to hate that word… Respectability. What I had lost sight of was the simple fact that I couldn’t expect other people to respect me if I didn’t respect myself.

“You know what, Trevor? Newsflash: I’m not really wearing that much makeup, and I was still told I looked good today.” His eyes widened in shock at my uncharacteristic response. He had some issues if he thought I had a lot of makeup on, especially now that most of it had worn off since I put it on this morning. God, he was starting to piss me off. He had me feeling like a completely different person than I was before him, and not in a good way. Then, I was carefree, bubbly, and happy. The last time I felt happy with him was… hell, I hardly ever felt happy anymore. In Vegas was the happiest I had been in forever.

Trevor always seemed so boring but… safe. There was never a concern that he would pull me back into my former wild behavior. What I hadn’t realized was that he had molded and manipulated me into what he wanted me to be, and I completely and totally drank the Kool-Aid where he was concerned. I’d lost sight of myself and the fact that I could mature and still have fun. It didn’t mean I would go insanely crazy just because I had a few drinks or went dancing. God, I needed to get away from him already. Just being back here, I could feel the tension creeping in, constricting my skin and the very air I was breathing.

“Hey, you know what? I think I’ll go wash my face, swing by my mom’s real quick, and then head to the gym. I really slacked on working out while I was gone, and I ate way too many carbs.” A false smile plastered on my face, I rushed upstairs to the bathroom. When I got there, I scrubbed the makeup off, pulled my hair up in a tight, high ponytail, and threw on a work out T-shirt and some yoga pants. Grabbing my car keys from my dresser and a light jacket from my closet, I quickly descended the stairs, each step a staccato echo of my heartbeat.

There was no sign of Trevor when I grabbed my purse from the table. He must have been in his office. Good, because I didn’t really want to talk to him anymore. I needed to get some fresh air and see my mom. Maybe she would have some of her homemade coconut cake waiting for me. Of course, that would mean extra miles on the treadmill, but it would so be worth it. The thought brought a genuine smile to my face.

I took the long way around, taking Shore Drive around the lake to East Manawa Drive and then to Navajo Street. Driving on the curving road bordering Lake Manawa never failed to calm me and bring back memories of my childhood growing up on “Lake Manaswamp.” It had been dubbed that for as long as anyone could remember. My friends and I used to party on the beach, and, of course, we made out and drank in the park and in the random parking lots that surrounded the lake.

While there were a lot of really nice houses around the lake, my parents’ house was a little rambler that was now squeezed in between two big fancy houses. We weren’t directly on the lake, but close enough. It was much older than many of the houses around us, having been built years and years before they were, but it was home.

I parked in the driveway, in front of the chipped “Semi Parking Only” sign I had bought my dad for Christmas my sophomore year of high school. Just the memory of his face as he nailed it up on the side of the house where the driveway was had me grinning. He had been so proud and tickled. Since the spot was open, he obviously was out on a run. Dang, that had me more than a little bummed, because I loved seeing my dad and hearing his booming laugh.

The rust-colored red paint on the house was peeling in spots, and I made a mental note to offer to help repaint it next summer. Dad didn’t always get around to repairs on the house because he was gone so much. Mom tried, but she wasn’t super handy, having come from a family where she was the only girl who really never had to do anything for herself. She was spoiled growing up. One thing my mom could do, however, was grow beautiful flowers and bake. She was also incredibly creative and had, at one time, aspirations of doing graphic design.

Honestly, I couldn’t believe I didn’t end up around 500 pounds with all the delicious baked goods that poured out of her oven over the years. It never ceased to amaze me how she and my dad had hooked up, because they were so totally opposite. My mom was like me, artistic, maybe a little of a flower child. Dad was gruff, a work-with-his-hands type of guy. He drove a truck, fixed shit when he was home, and tinkered in his shop on God knows what when he had free time. They loved each other though, there was no doubt about it. The love in their eyes when they looked at each other warmed my heart. That was what I wanted someday. I just didn’t know if I would ever be that lucky. Maybe luck had nothing to do with it. Maybe my own fear of losing control over my newer “good girl reputation” was actually what was holding me back.

As if I had conjured it with my thoughts, I walked in the house and the aroma of my mother’s baking engulfed me. Ahhh, home. How was it that a simple smell could have nostalgia flood back over you and leave you feeling like a kid again… safe… with no worries, just the stress of school work or how you would respond to an invite to the SnoBall dance? It was as if stepping through the doorway was like stepping into a time warp.

“Becca, honey? Is that you?” My mom peeked around the doorway from the kitchen to the living room. Her smile was wide and bright as she blew a stray strand of blonde hair from her face. Despite not seeing eye to eye with my mom, I loved her. She was still beautiful to me, and I hurried over to hug her and kiss her cheek as she continued to stir what looked like frosting in a mixing bowl. Her green eyes lit with laughter when I told her how beautiful she was.

“Girl, you’re so crazy. You know I’m old and out of shape and the wrinkles are taking over! What do you want?” She winked at me and tipped her head over to the counter where I noted a cake resting on a cooling rack. This had me clapping my hands and jumping up and down just like the child I felt take over as I entered the house. My mom continued to laugh at me as she told me to sit down and tell her all about Las Vegas.

“It was fun. Steph was gorgeous, as always. The wedding was sweet, and the food at the reception was good. Steph’s husband is so incredibly hot, and you can just tell he loves her so much. It reminded me of you and dad.” I knew I had a wistful look on my face. Jealousy was creeping in again, and I fought down the green-eyed monster that was clawing up my throat. It didn’t seem fair because I had always wanted what my parents had, and now my best friend seemed to have it too. Not that I begrudged Steph and Colton one iota.

“I’m just still so shocked! A biker! I would never have thought that sweet studious little girl would hook up with someone like that.” Mom tsked in slight disapproval.

“Oh, Mom, he’s nice. And he used to be a soldier in the Army. He’s a war hero with a purple heart and everything.” How I wished my mom wasn’t so hung up on occupations, income, and appearances. For crying out loud, my dad did a short stint in the Army before he got out and became a truck driver. He wasn’t a Wall Street tycoon, and that had done them just fine.

“Oh really? Hmm, I didn’t know that. But a biker mechanic… surely he could have found a better job than that after the Army. Now Trevor, he got a good job after he got out of the Air Force. Surely, that boy of Steph’s could have found something like Trevor did.”

Ugh! Mom, please!

“Mom, Trevor was an admin assistant in the Air Force for three years. He never deployed and rarely left his office.” In frustration, I rolled my eyes. Trevor rarely talked about his service time, and I didn’t really ask because there wasn’t much to talk about. He spoke more about his job now, as a government employee, than his service time.

“But it’s what he does now that’s important. He has a good job with good benefits and a nice retirement. He is such a great catch for you, Becca.” Great, now I needed to tell her I was ditching him. Her hero, Trevor. For the life of me, I never understood why my parents felt like he hung the moon. Every time we were over to the house, he charmed the pants off them though, so I suppose it made sense. Well, this wasn’t going to go over well.

“Yeah, about that…” I sat at the table, tracing the woodgrain with my fingernail. “I told him I want to break things off.” My eyes stayed trained to the tabletop, flicking at a couple of stray grains of salt. Meeting my mom’s gaze briefly after this news seemed tantamount to telling her I had murdered someone or something. So, I looked back down swiftly.

“What?” The mixing bowl dropped to the table with a loud thunk as she dropped into the chair next to me and reached over to my chin to bring my eyes to hers. “What on Earth happened?” My mother looked like I told her I just robbed a bank. Great.

“Mom, we just don’t click. We are so different, and he is so… just boring, Mom. I don’t love him, and I don’t see myself ever loving him. When we met at the Storm Chasers game, I thought he was cute and polite. I should have realized when there was no real spark that he wasn’t the one. It has just gotten worse over time. Now he just makes me feel stifled and smothered.” The desperation in my voice and eyes pleaded with her to understand.

“Baby, don’t be hasty. Talk to him. He’s a really good man, and I feel like he really grounds you. He loves you, and I’m sure he just wants what’s best for you, honey.” My mom tried to make me see what she did, but that was a vision I couldn’t conjure.

“Can you please let me make my own decisions? Trevor doesn’t ground me. He tethers me to the ground. There’s a difference, Mom. God, I wish I had never even started dating him.” Knowing I wouldn’t get anywhere with her, I got up to leave.

“Becca! Don’t you dare screw this up! That man accepted you despite your wild-girl past, and he helped you grow up and become a mature adult! Life isn’t about running around partying and painting happy little trees and sunshine everywhere.” She had me wanting to growl in frustration at her obstinacy.

“Love you, Momma, but I need to head home to get some supper started.” Kissing her on the cheek, I once again took the coward’s way out with her and left.

LORDY, I LOVED THE kids in my class, but it was Monday, and the twenty-four fourth graders in my last class had been in rare form. My coffee was gone before I knew it, and I looked at the clock to see if I had time for another cup. A resigned breath escaped my mouth, and I slouched further in my chair in the teachers’ lounge. Hopefully, the next bunch ran off some of their energy in the P.E. class before mine. Ugh!

“Break’s almost over, girl.” Josie had to go poking me with her proverbial stick. She and I had several education classes together in college at Iowa State, and I loved working with her. We had gotten pretty close, but nowhere as close as Steph and I were. She was from a small town not far from here, but with no jobs available in her area, good old Council Bluffs was the closest area with positions. So, there we were, both dreading going back to class. Mondays were the worst because the kids had been out of their routine for two whole days, and it was like starting at square one with them every Monday.

Giving her the stink eye and sticking my tongue out at her, I got up to rinse out my mug and place it on the drying mat by the sink. Leaning against the counter, I folded my arms and prepared to ask her the question I had been trying to find the words for during our entire break.

“Hey, Josie. Umm, did you still have that room you were trying to rent out?” She had bought a three-bedroom house and usually had two roommates to help with the payment, but Tanya, her second roommate, had gotten married and moved out.

I brushed at an invisible speck of lint on my blouse. Over two months had passed since I returned from Vegas. Two months since, at Trevor and my mom’s hounding, I agreed to “try to make thing work” with Trevor. Of course, not a damn thing was different, and yet I was still with him, so I tried to avoid him as much as possible. Who was this pushover bitch and what had she done with the Becca I used to be?

“Actually, yes, I do. Why? Who do you know that’s looking? Do I know them? It’s not some weirdo, is it? I require references, you know.” She crossed her arms over her chest, tipped her chin down, and gave me the raised eyebrow look. Josie was a darling, but she was very reserved, and I imagined she had been a bit of a nerd in high school. In college, she was quiet and kept to herself unless we had a study group together. She could be super pretty if she would think of getting contacts and doing a little something with herself. It was oh so wrong, but I couldn’t help thinking she was who Trevor should have hooked up with. She was just sweet and kind of, well, plain. Mousy brownish-blonde hair, parted in the middle, straight as a board and long, and no makeup ever topped off her dang-near Laura Ingalls look.

“Well, funny you should ask… it’s me. Most of my references would be the same ones you would use. The only rental reference I have is from when Steph and I were in college.” Suppressing a laugh at her owl-like expression, I gave her a pleading look.

“Uh, yeah, okay. But if you don’t mind my asking, is there something going on? I thought you and Trevor lived together and were like practically married. He’s such a sweet man. Don’t tell me he broke up with you? Or… no way. Don’t tell me you broke up with him?” She was so nice, but evidently easily shocked and amazed.

Why did everyone have to seem so surprised I would want to end things with Trevor? First my mom, now Josie. Couldn’t anyone see what he was like? Maybe it was just me. No, because Steph couldn’t stand him. He didn’t like kids, and he had been condescending to her anytime she and Remi came to visit me until she quit coming. Because he didn’t want children, I wasn’t supposed to want them. It was frustrating. Looking at the clock again, I saw I only had about five minutes to get back to class.

“I don’t really have time to get into it now, but if you’re okay with me moving in, I’d love to be able to do it ASAP.” I clasped my hands in supplication at her and put on my best pout. She started laughing at my antics and told me I could swing by tonight to sign the rental agreement and move in any time after that. Hugging her tightly with a jubilant and profuse “thank you” pouring from my mouth, I told her I would be by tonight and, hopefully, moving in this weekend.

Maybe it was a small thing, but making definitive plans to move out and move on with my life lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. It was as if the skies were a little brighter and my heart was a little lighter.

You would think four days would be more than enough time to discuss with Trevor my plans to move out. Yet, here it was Thursday and I still hadn’t had a chance. Either he wasn’t home, I wasn’t home, or he was “too busy with work” to talk to me. He spent nearly every waking moment in his home office. Well, that was fine. I didn’t need much time to tell him, and I was going to corner him that night. Period.

Dinner was made and waiting for him and the table was set. That seemed like as good a place as any to keep him in one place so I could talk to him. The second hand on the clock seemed to tick by in slow motion. My eyes would not quit looking at my watch, the clock on the stove and the clock in the living room. Sheesh. Five minutes after six. Shouldn’t he be here by now?

The sound of the garage door opening had me rushing to the kitchen to dish up our plates. Trevor came through the kitchen door and set his briefcase by the doorway to the living room. He then came and bussed my cheek and told me dinner smelled excellent. Just the touch of his lips on my skin had my cringing inside, but I told him to have a seat and I would bring his plate over.

We ate in relative silence for a few minutes before I set my utensils down and rested my hands in my lap. A deep breath to gain my composure and calm my nerves was in order. This shouldn’t be that difficult. However, even though Trevor had been boring and a little controlling, he had been good to me, letting me move in with him and not charging me a penny for rent or utilities. He covered everything, telling me it was his job as the man in the relationship. The part of that I never liked was him hinting that I wouldn’t be working after we got married. Considering I had never agreed to marry him, because he had never actually asked, I always left that discussion alone.

“Trevor, I really need to talk to you. We still haven’t discussed our relationship status since I came home. I have really thought about things and—” As usual, he interrupted me.

“Becca, dear, there is really nothing to discuss. I know you were feeling stifled, and that is why I let you go to Vegas before we discussed our relationship. I knew you would feel better after getting away for the weekend and having a little ‘girl time’ with Steph and the girls. Don’t worry, things are still good between us,” he finished. Let me go to Vegas? Was he serious?

“Trevor! That’s not true. Things are absolutely no different with us. Yes, I was feeling stifled. It seems like I have been the one who has changed everything about myself. Initially, I felt like you would be good for me because you were steady and respectable, which I felt I needed to keep me grounded and reputable. We got along well, and then you asked me to move in and things have flowed along, and I got caught up in the current. I feel like I’ve gone so far to the other end of the personality spectrum and it’s not fair to me.” I tried to read his expression, but he just sat there staring at his food. My intent was never to hurt him, and I prayed he was okay.

“So that’s it? You’re just done? Over a year and a half put into this relationship and you’re done just like that? I don’t think you’re thinking clearly, Becca. I think you’re emotional and acting irrational. Maybe Vegas was a bad idea after all. We are good together, and I will not lose you. I really think you should take some time to think about your feelings. There’s no need to rush into a decision.” He slid his chair back and left the table. In astonishment, I watched him pick up his briefcase and walk into his office, closing the door after he entered.

“Why do you keep putting words in my mouth? Who put you in charge of my feelings?” I yelled after him.

My head fell to my hands. What a disaster. Why couldn’t he understand and accept I was done? Was he dense? And why was it me who needed to think about my feelings and decide to stay? A true relationship should have give-and-take with equal input. That was part of the problem with our situation. The other part of the problem was the total lack of chemistry. No magic.

Call me crazy, but if and when I settled down, I wanted it all. This relationship, if you could call it that, was a farce. I wanted love. I wanted insane lust, amazing sex, friendship, and the give and take of a true partnership. Anything less was settling, and I didn’t think I should have to settle any longer.

ROSALEE WAS STRADDLING MY lap, flipping her flame-red hair over her shoulder, as we sat in the big shop out at Reaper and Steph’s house. It was the weekend barbeque, and the brothers and their families, or dates, were here to hang out, relax, drink some beer, and basically have a good time.

It was mid-December and too cold and snow-covered to have it outside. Rosalee’s constant nagging about getting a property patch was getting on my damn nerves. I didn’t want a damn old lady, and if I did, it sure as hell wouldn’t be her. Sure, she had been a great distraction and had kept my bed pretty warm for the last few weeks, but that was all she was to me. She hadn’t ever been introduced as my girlfriend, and I shouldn’t have kept her around so long. I didn’t even invite her! It sounded like it was time to cut her loose. Past time. And, God help me, if she popped her damn gum in my ear one more time, I would straight-up dump her off my lap.

“Hollywood,” she whined in that shrill screech, “all the other girls keep asking me when I’m getting my patch. I’m getting tired of making excuses to them. It’s embarrassing.” She pouted, sticking out her red bottom lip. Jesus, that color of red looked hideous with her hair—unlike someone else who wore just the perfect shade to set off her auburn hair.

Fuck! Why did she have to creep in my head? Again!

“Look, Rosalee, I’m not going to tell you again. I’ve been straight with you. I’m not looking for an old lady in you or anyone else. I told you in the beginning this would be for as long as it lasted and that’s it. Fucking drop it.” She just couldn’t get it through her thick-ass skull. It was bullshit about the other old ladies asking her about her patch, because I knew they didn’t care for her. Actually, that was being nice. They hated her.

She continued to pout and rub her fake tits against my chest as she ruffled my hair and then licked my ear. Jesus, I really hated fake tits too. Fuck, she didn’t even get a rise out of my cock anymore. Definitely time to shitcan her.

Pushing her off my lap, I stood and walked away from her without saying a word. Yeah, I was being a dick, and I didn’t really give a shit.

Reaper and Steph were cuddled up in a lawn chair, and I watched his hand reach over and rub gently on her swollen belly. They still had about two months to go, but he coddled her like she was breakable. We all teased him, and Steph fought him tooth and nail when she wanted to do something he didn’t think was “safe” for her, like continuing to run the Oasis. Funny thing was, I felt a little jealous of them, wondering if that would ever be me. My old man was forever ragging on me about a grandbaby to spoil and teach to ride a bike. My answer was always: “So you want me to knock a girl up so you can have a grandbaby?” That earned me a scowl and a grumbled “Hell no!” every time. I chuckled at the thought of my scruffy, bearded biker dad as a grandpa to a handful of a little girl like Reaper’s girl, Remi. That would serve him right.

Without thought, I plunged my hand down into the beer tub and pulled one out. The icy water ran off the bottle and my hand, trailing along the concrete of the shop floor. Shit, that was cold. My hand tingled from just the short submersion. The cap got tossed in a trash can as I passed, and I tipped the ice-cold bottle to my lips. It didn’t matter what time of year it was, a cold beer always hit the spot. I just knew to watch how many I had because they invariably went down too damn good. Right now though, I didn’t care.

Hacker stood talking to Dice, the club secretary, and Soap, one of the prospects. As I approached, they greeted me with shit-eating grins and a head nod toward Rosalee. Of course, Hacker and Dice had to give me shit about her. Motherfuckers. Hell, she was really becoming more trouble than she was worth.

“Fuck you, assholes. That bitch is getting on my damn nerves. I’m ready to cut her ass loose. A steady piece of ass isn’t worth all her bitching, whining, and nagging about a property patch. She’s a fucking biker whore, and no one in their right mind would make her an old lady. Shit.” Metaphorically biting my tongue, I took another swallow of my cold beer. The condensation ran down the side and dripped on my chin, so I rubbed it off with the back of my other hand, hearing the scrape of whiskers.

They laughed and slapped me on the back.

“Just giving you shit, dude. How’s your old man doing? We don’t see him much in the winter. He hanging in there?” Hacker always remembered my old man and would sometimes go over to see him. Of course, he had known him since we were in high school and played football against each other. We became friends after football camp the summer after our freshman year. We had stayed friends ever since.

“He’s got cabin fever something fierce,” I said with a laugh. My old man had been older when he had my sister and me. Our mom was fifteen years younger than he was, but they were insane for each other and us kids. We were a close family, and I loved him like crazy. He had never joined an MC, but had always been friendly with the Demented Sons and would often hang out with them and ride with them. Not being able to ride his bike in the winter drove him insane. If it was a nice day with sunny skies and no ice on the road, that crazy bastard would have his bike out riding.

“All this snow lately probably has him grouchy as an old grizzly.” Hacker and I grinned at the shared thought of my old man cussing the snow every time it fell. Don’t get me wrong, I hated it too, and I was just as guilty of riding any time I could, but I was also thirty-seven years younger than him.

Snow, our prez, and Cash, our treasurer, walked over and greeted us with a raised beer. We all bullshitted for a while.

“You ready for the run over to check the Shamrock tomorrow night? I want you and Hacker to take a prospect and scope things out,” Snow asked before tipping up his beer. The MC owned a pretty profitable strip club over in Spirit Lake. There had been some complaints that the manager was skimming, and we needed to go check things out. Cash had been an accountant before he up and sold his business and joined the MC during what we teased him as being his “midlife crisis.” There were rumors he had done some creative accounting and had been on the verge of going under. We didn’t give a shit; he worked magic and kept us out of trouble.

“Hell, yeah. We’ll go see what’s up. Hopefully, it’s bullshit, but if not, we’ll deal with it.” The club had been working hard to go legit over the last several years. Too much heat from the ATF, RICO, and general law enforcement had changed the dynamics of many MC’s. It wasn’t cool anymore to do time on behalf of a club. Fuck that. Not saying that we would put up with people fucking us over, though. Hell no. Don’t mistake our desire to be legit for complacency. We still demanded respect, and most people knew not to try to screw us over. I said most because there were still the occasional dumbasses out there.

“Shit, you’re just looking forward to a free titty show, don’t lie! Hollywood’s the boob man.” Dice guffawed, and his salt and pepper beard seemed to bounce as he laughed.

My eyebrows waggling, and I grinned. “Sheeeeeeit, of course I’m up for free titties.” What red-blooded American man wasn’t?

“Besides, Dice, you’re just jealous that their titties don’t even touch your chest when you get a lap dance because your belly gets in the way.” His face progressively got redder before he finally burst out laughing.

“Shit, son, don’t let this belly fool, ya. I could whip yo ass up one side of the street and down the other any day of the week. And momma sho enough don’t complain about it, if’n you know what I mean.” Dice was from Louisiana, and he had a hot temper but was good at keeping it in check most of the time. He always said he was a lover not a fighter… unless he got pissed, of course.

We all laughed at Dice’s pelvic thrust actions, teased him about throwing out a hip, and finished our beers in good humor. So maybe I needed to shitcan Rosalee tonight and look for a new flavor of the month tomorrow night. Yep, sounded like a plan.

Two weeks into Cherry, I was pretty sure I was ready to shitcan her too. She was on stage dancing to My Darkest Days’ “Porn Star Dancing,” and I sat drinking my single beer at a table in the corner. After she got off work, I was going to have to tell her I was done. It had gotten to the point that I had to imagine someone else every time I fucked her if I wanted to get off. That blew, especially considering whose face always came to mind. That just straight up pissed me off.

What the fuck I was thinking by hooking up with a damn stripper, I’d never know. That bullshit you hear about strippers being a great lay? Yeah, it’s bullshit. She was probably the lousiest lay I ever experienced. Besides being shitfaced drunk—another reason I rarely drank—her fiery red hair and body drew me in, and well, I guess I wasn’t thinking with the right head, if you know what I mean. Another dumb Hollywood move for the books.

My beer was lukewarm from nursing it for so long. Pushing it over across the table from me, I leaned back against the wall to peruse the room. There were a few of the brothers laughing and drinking at a table by the stage, some preppy jock looking guys, a few regulars, and a group of business assholes sitting up on sniffer’s row drooling and panting as Cherry shook her ass in their faces. One might expect this to make me jealous, but I really couldn’t give a shit less.

After her set, she went backstage to change before coming out to rub her tits on my arm. Not sure why she thought it would turn me on after she had just been flashing her tits to half the bar, but whatever. She had on a cutoff tee that barely reached the bottom of said tits and a pair of cutoff jean shorts that left a generous portion of the bottoms of both ass cheeks showing. Her makeup was caked on from being on stage, and her hair was obviously in need of a refresher dye job as I could see her brown roots growing out. Shit, that was such a turn off to me. Natural redheads were where it was at, specifically dark red… Ugh! Stop!

She kissed me, and all I tasted was stale cigarettes and cheap whiskey. Jesus, I really must have been drunk as shit to have hooked up with her. Of course, it had lasted two weeks, mostly because I’d been put in charge of hanging out at the strip club with DJ and Cash to keep an eye on things here, so she was convenient, what with me being here nearly every night. Redheads had always been my downfall, but since Vegas, it was like they were an obsession. No matter how many I hooked up with though, none were the one I really wanted. There was never any true satisfaction.

“Not now, Cherry. I’m working.” My hands wrapped around her waist, and I pushed her away from me. She pouted and ran her glossy black nails along my jaw and down my neck. My hand grabbed her wrist, stopping her progress and her touch.

“What’s the matter, baby, you don’t want a private lap dance?” She ran her tongue along her top lip. Maybe she thought that was sexy, but it just looked cheap to me. She looked cheap. Her other hand reached down to mold to my cock through my jeans. That caused her eyebrows to rise, and she smirked as she felt my semi-erection. “Doesn’t feel like someone isn’t interested.”

This bitch couldn’t take a hint. Never again was I hooking up with one of our strippers. It seemed like, if they got in your pants, they felt like they were queen shit because they were fucking a patch. My hand grasped her so I was now holding both of her wrists, which I pushed together and up against her chest as I shoved her away from me. A low growl erupted from my throat.

“Cherry, it’s a dick. It would get hard if the wind blew, for fuck’s sake. Don’t flatter yourself,” I said wryly. “As a matter of fact, leave. Hit the fucking road and don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. Go find another dick to fuck with. I don’t need you anymore.” It was obvious that she was pissed, and I probably hurt her feelings, but I didn’t really care. Call me an asshole if you want. It’s whatever. Damn, I was glad when she flounced off in a huff. It sure didn’t take her long to climb in the lap of one of the brothers, either. Butch looked over at me with an inquisitive expression. With a wave that said, “Have at it,” he grinned and grabbed her ass as she sat grinding on him.

Maybe I needed to just become a monk.

At one time, that would have been me, completely fucking happy to have any chick grinding on me or in my bed. Lately, however, I felt restless and unsettled, like there was something more. Yeah, I know it sounded stupid, but I was a fucking miserable asshole, wearing a fake smiling mask. Maybe it’s just the fact that I hadn’t been able to ride as much due the damn weather, with snow one day and freezing rain the next. Maybe it had nothing to do with sex, and it definitely had nothing to do with a certain sexy redhead who had taken up residence in my head. Nope. Not at all.

Who the fuck was I kidding?

YEAH, I WAS A coward, but I couldn’t take it anymore. So, while Trevor was at work on Saturday, I began packing anything I had that wouldn’t be noticeable and stuffed it in my trunk. I planned to just move out. If he didn’t want to accept that it was over, I just wouldn’t give him a choice. Loading the trunk in the garage prevented the nosy-ass neighbors from seeing what I was doing and mentioning it to Trevor. When I couldn’t fit any more in the trunk and back seat, I left and headed to Josie’s to unload. Monday would be the day I finished moving everything. I had arranged for a substitute for the day so I could move while he was back at work.

Three loads later, I figured I had probably reached the limit of trips without raising eyebrows. That didn’t stop me from loading the trunk one last time for the first trip on Monday. Then I decided I needed to get out of the house. For one, I wasn’t in the mood to see Trevor when he got home. For two, my dad had called to say he was home for a couple of days and asked when his favorite daughter was coming to visit. Yeah, I was his only daughter. My dad… I shook my head as I laughed at his humor.

Scribbling quickly, I left a note on the table telling Trevor I had gone to my parents for dinner. Of course, they didn’t know I would be joining them for dinner, I thought with a devilish grin. Perks of being an only daughter? My dad loved me, my mom loved me despite disagreeing with me all the time, and I could invite myself at any time to eat because they would never turn me away. Aaaaaaaand dessert was bound to be yummy, knowing my mother.

On the drive to my parents, a guy on a bike passed me, causing that man to creep into my thoughts. Why? You would think after three months, I wouldn’t even waste a second’s thought on him. He was an ass. He had a sexy ass. What? Where the hell were these thoughts coming from? Crazy crap popping into my head. Unacceptable. Why, oh why, did that man have to be at the wedding? Why was Colton even friends with someone like him? Why was I even thinking about him? Argh!

Speaking of Colton/Reaper—Dang, I had a hard time getting used to referring to him by that silly nickname—I needed to talk to my Stephie. Lordy, I missed her every day. So, I dialed her number and listened to the ringing of the phone over my car speakers.

“Hey you sexy ho, you! How are you? You coming to see me any time soon?” Steph gave me crap about coming up there every time we talked on the phone. It didn’t bother me… no, that’s a lie because I wished I could go up there every weekend. Hell, maybe even every day.

“Hey hooker! How’s married life treating you? How’s that niece of mine doing? And what about my little niece in the oven?” Her laughter was a balm to my soul. We had a long-standing habit of slamming each other, but in a totally affectionate way. I’d never forget the looks on people’s faces when we would greet each other in public back in college. Not everyone understood our form of humor. Fuck ’em.

“Well, what if it’s a nephew? Huh? We decided to wait to see, but I think it’s a boy this time. And married life is amazing, though sometimes I want to bury my foot in his ass. God, girl, he treats me like I’m made of damn porcelain. I keep telling him I’ve already done this once and I’m sure I’ll be just fine this time too. Of course, that never seems to change anything. I have so much going on with the renovations at the Oasis, and I can’t be there unless I sneak over without Reaper finding out. He’s driving me crazy!”

I laughed at her tirade. It was obvious that he loved her and wanted her safe. Steph also did tend to get a little hormonal and crazy while she was pregnant, so I felt a little bad for him too. Someday I would have that kind of relationship. Inwardly, I sighed.

“So, how is Colt… ugh, Reaper, other than being overprotective? Everything good with him and his issues? God, girl, I’m glad he has had you and the guys to get him through all that.” Steph had told me a little about Colton and his PTSD from his combat experience in the Army. During his last deployment, which he wouldn’t really talk about, he had been blown up and lost two people in the vehicle with him and other friends in the incident. Then he spent months in the hospital and in rehabilitation to recover from his injuries. I also had found out that “he” was in the vehicle at the time. Damn if the thought of him going through all that as well didn’t make my heart ache for him. Why was it so hard to even think his name?

“He’s good. I mean, he has his ups and downs, but he’s okay. I’m not so sure about Hollywood, though. Reaper says he has been a cantankerous asshole, which I cannot believe for a minute. Around me and Remi, he acts like everything is normal and perfect, but it seems like he’s trying too hard to be happy. I worry about him.” Jesus Martha, why did she have to bring him up?

I’m not going to ask. I’m not going to ask. I’m not going to ask.

“Why? What’s going on with him?” Dammit. I asked. Shit! Why did I ask about him? Argh!

“He’s just with someone new all the time. It’s like he’s self-medicating with sex. I keep telling him he’s going to get something that makes his penis fall off.” Why? Why did she have to say that? I was torn between being pissed to hear he was fucking around all the time and having my chest cave in at the realization that he was obviously not giving me a second thought.

“Oh.” For the first time in maybe forever, I was speechless. Silence reigned.

“Oh? What do you mean ‘oh’? Holy crap, Becca has nothing to say but ‘oh’ in a conversation. I have never known you not to have more to say than that. If I didn’t know any better, I would almost think you don’t like hearing he is with someone else.” She laughed, and when I still didn’t have anything to say, she got quiet. “Wait. Wait a minute…. Oh my God, Becca! Did you sleep with him in Vegas? I thought he just gave you a ride back to the hotel! Oh my Lord, you did, didn’t you?”

“What? Why would you ask that? I never said I slept with him! You’re crazy!” Please, Steph, I don’t want to talk about him. I wanted to know every detail about him—wait! What? No!

I. Did. Not!

Thankful I was at a stop light, I banged my head on the steering wheel. At the annoying honk of the car behind me, I looked up to see the light was green. My hand shot up of its own volition to give them the one finger salute.

“Holy shit! You did too! Becca, you ho-monger, why didn’t you tell me? Fess up! I want details. Holy hell, how was he? He’s hot, I can’t deny that, and he looks just, well, yummm. I think it might be a prereq for the guys in the club to be sexy as fuck. Well, there are a few that would shoot that theory to hell…. But I digress. Come on. Share!” Steph could be as relentless as a pitbull when she thought I was holding out on her. This was one time when I really wished she would just drop it.

“God, I really don’t want to talk about it, Steph. Let’s just say it was a disaster that I would rather not relive. The sex itself was off the charts, but other than that, the incident was… well, I don’t know, it just ended badly. He’s an asshole.” He was an asshole, but he was invading my thoughts and mind all the freaking time no matter how many times I chased him out of there.

“Wait… Hollywood? An asshole? Are we talking about the same guy? He is one of the funniest, sweetest guys I know, even with all his hidden issues. Wait. Shit, Becca. Do you have a thing for him?”

My tongue refused to move.

“You do! Wait, what about Trevor? Did you finally get smart and dump him, then? Now that guy, he’s an asshole. I don’t even know what you saw in him, girl.” Jeez, Steph could rattle on. As I pulled up to my parents’ and put my car in park, I cringed at her accusations and questions about Trevor.

“What? No! Of course not! He never even crosses my mind. I couldn’t care less what he does or who he does it with. You’re talking fricking crazy.” Lies. All lies. He invaded my dreams, if I was going to be honest with myself, for God’s sake! Okay, yeah, I’ll admit it. I think about him every damn day. I think about him every damn night. I think about him when I, well, you know… “And yeah, I’m actually moving out. Things have been over with Trevor for a while. I should have left as soon as I got back from Vegas. Correction, I should have moved out before I even left for Vegas.”

My hands clenched on the steering wheel, and I shook it like I wanted to rip it off.

“Mmm-hmm, okay. You forget I know you, you little skank. Okay, fine, I’ll drop it for now, but you’re going to tell all soon.” Her smug tone irritated the shit out of me. Brat. She was lucky I loved her ass.

“Gotta go, hooker! I’m here at my mom and dad’s for dinner! Love you! Byeeeeeee!” She was laughing, and I hung up before she could say anymore. My forehead fell to the steering wheel. Shit. What the hell was wrong with me? How could I possibly still be hot and bothered over an asshole like him? Not only didn’t he give me a chance to explain, but he wanted to be all fucking self-righteous. I didn’t like him. I couldn’t stand him. Right? Right. Dammit!

The big semi-truck in the driveway was a comforting sight, and I took a deep breath to calm my nerves. My dad was exactly what I needed right now. Gathering up my purse and climbing out of the car, I prepared to invite myself to dinner. Pasting a smile on my face, I walked through the door only to be hit with the smell of pasta and the sound of my parents’ laughter coming from the kitchen. My smile became genuine as I barged into the kitchen.

“Ta-da! I’m heeeeere! What’s for dinner?” My parents turned at the sound of my voice, and I watched my dad’s eyes light up and my mom’s smile grow. Love from my parents was never in shortage, and I was thankful because it was just what I needed at that moment in time.

My dad’s arms wrapped around me in a bear hug fitting his stature. It was obvious, from looking at the two of us together, where I got my red hair from. The only difference being his was graying, which I loved to tease him about, and he sported a full beard, big belly, and tree-trunk arms. My dad was a really big guy, and resting my head on his shoulder was as comforting as it was when I was a little girl. Tears welled behind my closed eyelids. Suddenly, I felt so overwhelmed and lost.

“Hey, baby girl.” My dad gently pushed me back to look in my face. “Everything okay, sunshine?” The worry etched on my dad’s brow made me feel bad because I was a grown-ass woman and he didn’t need to be burdened with my problems.

“It’s several things. But don’t worry, Dad, I’ll be fine.” My eyes blinked rapidly to keep the tears at bay. He didn’t believe me, but he respected my need to keep it to myself for now.

We had dinner, and I told my parents about my decisions, which went over like a lead balloon. My parents were upset with me. It actually seemed like my dad really wanted to tell me he supported whatever decision I made, but he was being supportive of my mom and her feelings. She chewed me out for, and I quote, “letting go of the best thing that would come around for me in a long time.” She was convinced he was just amazing and I would have a hard time finding someone who “adored” me so much and could provide for me so well. Yeah, gag! It was frustrating because I never saw this “adoring” side of Trevor unless there was someone to impress.

Why their response surprised me, I’m not sure. It seemed I was one disappointment after another to them. It was no secret my dad had been brokenhearted when he never had the son he was so hoping for. I’m not saying he didn’t love me, because he did and does. That didn’t mean he wasn’t a little disappointed I wasn’t a boy. My next disappointment to them was my choice in careers. They had aspirations of me taking my artistic flair in a different direction than I had, that’s for sure. Being a graphic designer just didn’t do it for me, though. My passion was sharing my gift with children and watching their faces light up when they created something beautiful of their own.

My mother had gone on and on about how little teachers made and how there would never be any advancement, nor recognition. Honestly, I felt like my mom was trying to live vicariously through me because, when she got pregnant with me, she married my dad and dropped her entire life to be a stay-at-home mom. It was great growing up, but that had been her choice. It wasn’t my fault she didn’t go to school or develop her own career.

It was obvious I wasn’t going to get the support I wanted and needed from my parents. “Thanks for dinner and dessert, Mom, Dad. But I better get moving.” My dad laid a beefy hand over mine as I made to leave the table. I plopped back in my seat from my slightly raised position.

“Sunshine, we just want what’s best for you, and we want you to be happy. Trevor can provide a good life for you. We hate to see you making any rash decisions, is all, baby girl.” My eyes closed as I tried to gather my thoughts and calm my temper. Deep breathing wasn’t working tonight. Rising from the table, I cast a hurt look at them both. My head shook back and forth in disbelief that they would so blatantly disregard my feelings like this. It was my life, not theirs.

Noisily, I placed my dishes into the dishwasher before turning back to them both as they sat quietly at the table.

“If you like him so much, maybe you should move in with him then. I’ll see you both later.”

When I stormed out of their house, my mom told me I was being an immature child and a fool. That was just icing on the cake. The look of pain in my dad’s eyes when he tried to hug me before I left and I just brushed him off, felt like I had stabbed myself in the heart. I rarely did anything to hurt my dad, but he had never really taken sides like this before. He’d never had to. It hurt that he wouldn’t stand up for me, even a little. Without looking back at the house, I got in my car and peeled out of the driveway.

Pretending I didn’t care how my parents felt was a farce, but it was the only way to keep myself from totally falling apart. Being with Trevor had left me feeling bogged down and restricted. It was like I was suffocating and no one could see it but me. My own parents didn’t support my decision to move on. How insane was that?

The back seat held my gym bag with extra workout clothes, so I drove to the gym to work off some of my frustration, hurt, and anger. After about an hour of sweating to some Avenged Sevenfold, Five Finger Death Punch, and Metallica, I calmed down and felt like I had my emotions somewhat under control. The important thing to remember was I knew I was doing the right thing. That was what I told myself over and over.

Thankfully, when I got home, Trevor was in bed. The part of me that had invested over a year into this relationship couldn’t believe he never called, waited up for me, or even texted me to make sure I was okay. Shit, what if I had gotten in a car accident? You know what? It didn’t matter. Screw him. I was out of here on Monday anyway. There was no point getting upset over his disregard for me.

Monday morning dawned, and I reluctantly woke, going through the motions of getting ready for work, knowing I wouldn’t be going anywhere but to Josie’s after Trevor was long gone to work. He ate the breakfast I made, filled a travel mug with coffee, and rushed out the door telling me he wanted me to make salmon, vegetables, and rice for supper. Yeah, screw you, buddy. Make it for yourself.

After I was sure he was well on his way to work, I began to stuff the rest of my clothes in a couple of large army duffle bags that had been my dad’s. My furniture didn’t consist of much more than a dresser, the kitchen table, and a few lamps—pretty much things I could replace without feeling much of a loss financially or sentimentally. The duffle bags both fit in my trunk, and I stuffed the random blankets, picture frames, and knick-knacks I had inherited from my grandmothers in around the duffle bags. Satisfied I had everything I needed, I reset my cell phone to factory settings, since he bought it and paid the bill, and left it on the table with a note explaining to Trevor that I needed to leave. Further explaining I had tried, on several occasions, to talk to him and tell him this, but he wouldn’t listen and I couldn’t stay with him. In the note, I tried to be tactful, despite wanting to tell him what an asshole he was. A smile crept across my face when I signed the letter:

After climbing in and buckling my seat belt, I started my car and pushed the button to open the garage door. My heart stopped as I saw Trevor’s car coming up the road as I backed out of the driveway. When I realized it just looked like his car, a relieved laugh slipped out and I scolded myself for being paranoid. Shit. It wasn’t like I was robbing the man! I hadn’t done anything wrong. The prepaid phone I had grabbed at Walmart last night went off, and I noticed a text from Josie.

Josie: Hey, girl! Started a roast in the crockpot but think I forgot to turn it down to low before I left. B home around 5. So excited to have u moving in!! See u then!

Her text made me smile. I started to feel that weight lift off me, and it actually felt a little easier to breathe. If I had only known things wouldn’t stay that way…

FOR THE FIRST TIME in months, I didn’t have a date, and I use that term loosely, for the weekly BBQ and get-together at Reaper and Steph’s. It was actually nice to just sit and bullshit with the guys and not worry about someone hanging on me, demanding something, or pissing me off. Lounging like a serious lazy ass in a chair, I nursed my single cold beer for the night and laughed with everyone.

When I felt the hard belly push against my shoulder and soft hands cover my eyes and heard a whisper in my ear, I knew it was Steph before she even offered the requisite “Guess who?” Grinning, I said, “Unless someone else is suddenly growing a watermelon in their belly, it must be my beautiful Steph.” Yeah, that earned me a playful punch to the damn arm and then a grouchy-ass look from Reaper that his woman was touching another man. So just to fuck with him, I pulled her around and into my lap. I gave her a kiss on the cheek and smiled at her.

“Hey, baby, how’s that old man of yours treating you? You ready to leave his cantankerous ass and be my girl?” I winked at her and cast a sly grin toward Reaper. He growled, and I swore the shithead was grinding his teeth. Laughter burst from me before I could hold it back. Steph laughed and hugged me.

“Hollywood, honey, you couldn’t handle me and my pregnancy hormones. Reaper can barely stand me, and he loves me and is married to me.” Her grin spread even further as she kissed my head softly, ruffling my hair like the mom she was. We weren’t that far apart in age, but she totally treated me like I was her little brother. Not complaining, I liked her spoiling me.

“Now, that is a true statement, baby. Damn, I feel like I’ve been in the dog house so much lately that when I meet new people, I don’t know whether to shake their hand or sniff their ass.” Reaper gave a cynical smile with his statement, and everyone busted a gut laughing. Reaper came over and kissed his wife before asking her if she needed a bottle of water. As he walked toward the cooler, he shouted over his shoulder, “And keep your hands to yourself with my wife, Hollywood, you fuck!” Laughter bubbled up from Steph, and I couldn’t help joining in.

“Now, tell me about what happened in Vegas with Becca, lover boy.” Steph caught me totally off guard with her softly spoken statement. Fuck! How did she know? I was gone before anyone knew I had been in her room that morning. Did she actually tell Steph? Wait. When did she tell Steph? My expression closed off as my jaw clenched.

“What the hell are you talking about, Steph? Who’s been telling stories? I rode with her back to the hotel and left her in her room. That’s it, end of story.” My face remained neutral as I tried not to give her anything to go on. The last thing I wanted to do was talk about the one woman I obsessed over day and night. I was pretty sure it wasn’t healthy.

“Oh, come on! Let’s just call it a pregnant woman’s hunch. Becca got all quiet—totally out of character for her, by the way—when I mentioned you. She tried to sound all nonchalant, but she forgets I know her too well. She finally caved, so there is no use lying to me.” Steph appeared smug. Little shit.

My heart raced a little just from the sound of her name on Steph’s lips. One thing I tried to avoid was even thinking her name. It was like, if I could just not speak or think her name, it would prevent my traitorous mind from conjuring her memory up every waking fucking moment. My dick was wanting to stir, which, by the way, was extremely awkward considering my best friend’s wife was sitting in my lap. Too weird. Uncomfortably, I shifted in the chair to move Steph farther from my faithless dick that was ready and eager at the mere mention of that cheating, unfaithful bitch.

“Steph, it was nothing, really. Okay, yeah, we had a good time, and that was that. End of story. So, she doing okay? I mean, I’m just wondering because she’s your friend and all. She told you about that night, huh? So, what did she say?” Okay, yeah, my worthless attempt at nonchalance was pretty sucky, I know. Hey, I tried. Shut up and get out of my head if you don’t like it.

“Mmm, she said you are off the charts, big boy. So why didn’t you ever say anything? She’s a nice person. I would love to see the two of you together.” The wheels were turning in her head, that was obvious. Oh hell no. No scheming woman was going to go matchmaking with me. Besides, didn’t she care that her friend was in a relationship when she screwed me? Fuck that. No, I didn’t need that crap in my life. Uh-uh! So, I carefully removed her from my lap as I felt my face burn up.

“Hmmm, look at that, my beer is empty. I guess I need to go get another one.” Total lie, because I tried to keep my drinking to a minimum. A quick peck on the cheek, and I hauled ass away from her inquisitive mind and probing gaze. Shit, that conversation had gotten way too uncomfortable. Becca was going to become even more of a thorn in my side if Steph didn’t drop this. Fuck! There I went and thought her name. Damn it all to hell.

TREVOR HAD COME BY the school for me several times since I moved out over three months ago. It had been easy to avoid any phone calls because he didn’t have my number. When flowers started arriving at the school, I couldn’t help but read the cards. Initially, I wasn’t sure who they were from because it was so out of character for Trevor. It had me briefly thinking maybe he could change. Each card was a progressively more ardent request to come “home” to him. Some of the girls in the office thought it was so sweet and told me I should give him another chance. Not wanting to put my business out there, I just smiled and shook my head. Starting any kind of conversation would have just kept them going.

When he followed me home from school one day, I told him to stop sending me flowers, that he was wasting his money and his time. Once again, I told him I didn’t love him and I was moving on. He didn’t take that well.

“Becca, you will regret not coming home. You belong with me, and you’re being childish and foolish. Even your mom thinks we need to work things out.” Oh my God! He was talking to my mom about us? That was going too far.

“Stop talking to my family! Stop sending shit to me at school! Quit stopping by the school! Trevor, we are through. Done. I moved out and it’s over! You have no business talking to my family and friends. Jesus, what is wrong with you? You know what? Never mind. I don’t care. Leave!” He was seriously pissing me off. Planting my fist in his arrogant nose was becoming more and more appealing.

He glared at me and slammed the door of his car after getting in. He revved the motor and peeled out in a screeching of tires, leaving behind the burning smell of rubber. Curtains moved at the house across the street. Great. Fricking nosey neighbors again. My shoes got kicked across my room as I entered and slammed my door. Then I felt guilty for slamming the door until I remembered the girls’ cars were not parked outside, so no one else was home.

My hands held my head as I plopped on the edge of my bed. All I could think about was how Steph’s ex had gone crazy and almost killed her. Deep inside, I knew Trevor wasn’t capable of that though. He was too passive aggressive. He preferred manipulation and belittling. Prick. I said a small prayer that he would give up and move on soon. My arm rested over my eyes after I flopped back on the bed. Tears leaked out of my eyes at the spiraling feeling rushing through me. It began to feel like my life was never going to be stable again. Packing up my bags and hauling ass to Timbuktu sounded more and more appealing every day, I thought, as I felt myself doze off.

A knocking on my door woke me with a start. It was dark out already, and I certainly hadn’t planned on sleeping that long—not that I was really even hungry or worried about sleeping through dinner, mind you. Josie poked her head around the corner of the door and looked abashed about waking me.

“Hey, Becca. I’m so sorry to wake you, but I think there is something you need to see.” For fuck’s sake. What now? How could my life get any worse at this point? Boy, was I about to find out.

Following her out to the dining room table with my slippers shuffling, she led me to her laptop, and I noted her social media account was open to the school’s page. What I saw on the screen had nausea building in the pit of my stomach. What the ever-loving fuck?

Is this who you want teaching and influencing your children? The post read. Attached to the post were pictures of me in various poses at bars and parties. If someone didn’t know better, they would think they were recent. Of course, I knew they were from the summer after I graduated, before I was ever hired at the school. It was my last summer of rebellion and living my party days, I remembered telling myself. There were pictures of me doing body shots, having random guys in the bar taking shots from my cleavage, me dancing with guys holding my boobs from behind. Oh sweet Jesus, there was even one of me competing in a wet T-shirt contest. Thank God for small favors that my nipples were fuzzed out where I knew they would be showing through my white tee.

Good God, these were all taken in Des Moines with my friends from college on the weekends I had stayed with them. That was the exact reason I hadn’t want to party around home. Who the hell would do this? And why? And how did they get them on the school’s page? My mouth was hanging open, and I knew I looked like a goldfish with it opening and shutting without words. My eyes felt like they might pop out of my head. Josie rubbed my shoulder and looked at me with sympathy.

“Becca, you need to talk to Nancy at the school ASAP to get those removed. I’m sure this will blow over. But I have to ask… uhh, when was this? I mean, we’re elementary school teachers, and I guess I didn’t think you, well, I guess… Ummmm, well.” The more Josie said, the redder her face got. Poor girl. Did she grow up in a convent? She must be pretty embarrassed at seeing me like that, but I didn’t really think the pictures were any worse than the things other people did in college. It wasn’t like I was nude or having sex, thank God.

I had really tried to be a model teacher and to restrain my wild tendencies, so this was a bit of a blow to the gut, especially considering the pictures were several years old now. And how did someone get access to those pictures? They were all on my computer and a few were actual photographs that someone took a picture of, or uploaded. Something like this was simply an utterly hateful act.

“Jesus, no, Josie. These were all taken the summer after graduation. Before I ever got my formal offer of employment. I haven’t changed much, so I guess it was easy to imply they were recent.” My mind was running at 300 mph. It was hard to keep a coherent thought in my head.

“I just don’t understand why someone would do this!” The nausea continued to build until I ran to the bathroom and vomited. I heaved until I had nothing left to vomit except my stomach lining itself. Tears poured down my face as I sat on the floor, leaning against the tub with my head resting on my knees.

Just when I thought I was gaining control of my life….

It looked like Josie’s optimism was shot to shit, when a week and a half later, I was called into the superintendent’s office. Mr. Strankowski was a kind, but stern-looking, fatherly type, and he did look truly sorry when he told me I was being put on temporary administrative leave due to the number of calls from concerned parents. The school had removed the post, but not before they were seen by every sanctimonious parent in the district, it seemed. As I left his office, my heart was heavy and I was near tears.

When I approached my house, I could see signs in the yard and papers flapping from the side of the house and front door from about three blocks away. What the heck was that all about? As I drew closer, my heart started pounding and my face felt like it was flaming. This was insane! What the hell? Were we in the middle ages or something? The amount of signs proclaiming me a slut, whore, and a “naughty teacher” was overwhelming. Are you serious? Someone had even spray painted “tramp” on the picture window. Oh my God, this wasn’t even my house!

The nerve of whoever did this was over the top. They had done this in broad daylight, because it wasn’t there when I left this morning. My mood alternated between anger, shock, hurt, fear, and embarrassment.

My car was slammed into park, and in a rage, I kicked over, ripped up, and pitched the signs in the trash can. Finding a paint scraper in the garage, I went to scraping the red paint from the front window as tears flooded down my cheeks. Tiny red flakes of paint rained down on my arms and landed on the ground like bloody snowflakes.

Josie was pulling into the driveway as I was still scraping the red letters from the window. Her face registered complete and absolute shock as she took in the overflowing trash can and the paint on the window.

“Josie, I’ll get it all off, I promise,” I sobbed. My entire body was shaking, and I was beginning to have difficulty scraping the last of the paint from the window. I just couldn’t believe this was happening. She looked at me in disbelief then walked in the house with her hand over her mouth. I felt horrible. This was her home. Pain shot up my body as I dropped to my knees sobbing.

SO, THERE I STOOD on Steph’s porch, seven months after her wedding, trying to get up the nerve to knock on her door.

This is where my life has ended up.

My career was in shambles, and I had turned in my notice. A poor reference was not on the top of my list of things I wanted, and I figured it would be better if I left while Mr. Strankowsi would still be willing to give me a good reference. Leaving of my own accord seemed a better option than waiting for my employment to be terminated. He had assured me it wasn’t necessary to leave permanently, but self-preservation kicked in and I ran. Coward, my inner self whispered. That was me, it seemed, and I was disgusted with myself.

A deep breath filled my lungs, and my hand hovered over the door. Knocking as I let the breath out, I waited for someone to answer the door. If I hadn’t already cried every day since Josie asked me politely to vacate her home, and during the entire drive up here to Steph’s, I would have started crying again. My eyes were swollen and red, and I knew damn well I looked like shit warmed over.

Footsteps approached the door, the knob rattled, and then Steph stood there with her month-old son wrapped in a fuzzy blue blanket and cradled to her shoulder. She took in my swollen, red eyes, the bag at my feet, and my car packed to the gills. Her concern was evident as she ushered me in to her living room and encouraged me to sit on the couch. She bustled into the kitchen, bringing me back a bottle of water.

“Becca, honey, what the heck is going on? Why didn’t you tell me you were coming? Not that you aren’t welcome, shit, but I’m surprised to see you. I thought you had classes.” Her brow was furrowed, and I knew she was not going to accept any bullshit excuses. While I may have thought I was all cried out at the door, I felt tears slip down my cheeks as I told her about everything that had happened over the last seven months culminating in the vandalism at the house and the hate letters I had received, Josie asking me to leave, and ultimately, my resignation.

“I couldn’t stay there anymore. My mom wanted me to stay with her, but after all the vandalism Josie’s poor house suffered before she finally asked me to leave, I couldn’t risk doing that to my mom. Besides, I was so tired of hearing about how wonderful Trevor was and how I should give him another chance. It was getting sickening and causing us to argue all the time. It’s insane how much my mother thinks of Trevor. For the life of me, I cannot understand why she thinks he’s so fucking perfect.” It was like I couldn’t even talk to her anymore. My own mother. It was breaking my heart.

“Don’t worry, hon, we’ll figure this out. You can stay here as long as you want. Or I can help you look for a place of your own. Rent and houses are pretty cheap here. Probably way cheaper than down in CB. It’s up to you though, no rush. The selfish part of me is just thrilled to have you here. You know, I could actually use a hand down at the Oasis if you want something to do. I can pay you. I wouldn’t expect you to work for free.” The last she added, with a hand held up to quiet my arguments, when I tried to tell her she didn’t need to pay me if I was staying in her home.

So that was how I found myself in the guest bedroom, curled up on my side in the comfy double bed of my best friend’s house. Lying there staring into space, I let my mind wander. All the “what-ifs” in the world weren’t going to change the state of my life. Nor would they stop me from wondering what things would have been like if Trevor had never called and I had taken Hollywood up on his offer to come back here with him after the wedding. Instead, my career and life were in shambles, leaving me feeling isolated and betrayed. My heart felt beaten and shredded. Hollywood hated me for whatever reason, and here I was in his town. God, my life was shit.

What am I going to do? My eyes grew heavy as my brain ran circles but never found answers.

IT WAS PROMISING TO be a beautiful day for the end of April, and I was enjoying the rumble and purr of my bike as the asphalt rolled by. The sun was just rising and the damp chill from overnight was still lingering, but I barely noticed as the wind whipped past. After spending the weekend with my family, I decided I would swing by Reaper and Steph’s to ride to the shop with Reaper. I had to drive past their place anyway, and I loved seeing Remi and little Wyatt. My new nephew was a miniature of his daddy, no doubt, but much cuter in my opinion.

As I waited for the gate to open after punching in the entry code, I noticed an unfamiliar car in the driveway. Pottawattamie plates. Who the hell was this? Double checking the holster clipping my pistol into the back of my pants, I slowed and cautiously rolled up the driveway. I put my kickstand down and shut my bike off next to the strange car. Usually Reaper would come out if a bike pulled up, so when he didn’t, I quietly walked up to the door, scoping through the windows for signs of anyone in the house. Just as I pulled my pistol out, the door opened and Reaper came out.

“Jesus, bro! Put that shit away! What the fuck is wrong with you?” He quickly scanned the yard, ensuring there was no threat he hadn’t been aware of before shaking his head at me and waving me in. “You scared the shit out of me.”

Okay, so he didn’t seem concerned about the car and he looked right at it. Must be someone they knew.

“Whose car?” I asked as I followed Reaper into the kitchen toward the sound of voices and the smell of bacon cooking. Remi giggled, and I couldn’t help but smile. My smile quickly faded, and I felt like someone had punched me in my guts when I stepped into the kitchen.

“Hey, handsome! You coming to join us for breakfast before you steal my husband?” Steph was all smiles and sunshine this morning. Remi jumped down from her chair and ran to me, wrapping her arms around my legs as she squealed, “Unco Mason! Unco Mason! I missed you!”

Steph gently scolded Remi to get back to the table to finish her breakfast and let Uncle Mason sit down for his. When I scooped her up and tugged on one of her dark, curly pigtails, she gave me a sticky kiss that smelled suspiciously like maple syrup. She went back to eating her food after I placed her in her seat.

My eyes stayed on Steph as I thanked her for my plate, and then I quickly developed intense focus on my food. Anything to not look at her.

Jesus, she was here.

Questions circled in my brain… What’s she doing here? Did she leave the asshole? Hell, I didn’t know if he was an asshole, or not, but in my mind, because she was with him and not me, he was just an asshole. No. No. No. It didn’t fucking matter, and I didn’t want to know. Okay, maybe I did, but I wasn’t going to ask or engage her in conversation. Her voice, as she thanked Steph for her plate, felt like warm honey pouring over my body. It tempted me to taste her to see if her mouth would taste as sweet as the sound of the voice coming out of it.

What the fuck?

I shoveled my food into my mouth faster. The sooner I finished, the sooner Reaper and I could get on the road.

Of their own volition, my eyes darted in her direction repeatedly. In all seriousness, I really wasn’t trying to look at her. Every time I glanced her direction, she seemed just as engrossed in her food as I was. During about the fifth glance in her direction, our eyes met when I looked up. Her cheeks bloomed in bright pink blotches and her mouth was slightly parted as her fork stopped halfway from her plate to her mouth. Despite the flush to her cheeks, she appeared pale, and I couldn’t help but notice the dark circles under those captivating eyes, making her look strained and exhausted. Once we made eye contact, it was as if neither of us could look away. It was like being mesmerized.

Neither of us took much notice when Steph said she was taking Wyatt to change his diaper and feed him, nor Reaper taking Remi to the bathroom to wash her up and get her dressed. The silence at the table hung heavy. We just kept looking at each other, not saying a word, as if we were both waiting for the other to break into the quiet first.

Finally, I couldn’t stand it anymore. I took another bite of my food, chewing it simply out of habit, because I sure as hell couldn’t taste it anymore. After swallowing what felt like a wad of cotton, I placed my fork on my plate and looked up to her. She sat pushing the last of her food around on her plate.

“What brings you to town?”

“It’s good to see you again.”

“Sorry, you go ahead…”

“Oh sorry,” we both spoke simultaneously each time, which brought out a nervous laugh from her. A fat curl fell from the clip she had holding the tumbling mass of red on top of her head. Without thought, I reached over to tuck it behind her ear.

Fuck!

The spark I felt when my fingers brushed against her cheek and ear unnerved me. For some reason, being this close to her made me feel like a bumbling teenager with his first girl. Shit, though. Stuff like this didn’t happen to me. I grabbed myself by the balls, because I wasn’t going to look like a bitch in front of her.

If her quickly indrawn breath was any indication, she wasn’t unaffected by my touch either. Her eyes had met mine in a startled glance at our contact. She felt it too. Damn, I felt like I was going crazy, so I was glad it wasn’t just me.

“Ummm, well, it’s a long story that I would rather not get into right now. How have you been? You’re looking, umm, good.” Her cheeks remained flushed. The image I had been carrying around in my mind did absolutely no justice to how fucking gorgeous she was in the flesh, despite her weary appearance. Having her sit here in front of me was taking my breath away. When her compliment sunk in, I couldn’t help but grin. She thought I looked good.

Shit, it didn’t matter. I didn’t really care. Right?

“Thanks. You don’t look so bad yourself, Red.”

She wrinkled her cute nose and smirked at me calling her Red, or maybe at my compliment—though calling her hair red was such an understatement. It was a rich auburn with fiery highlights and deep burgundy underneath. Shimmering in the sunlight that filtered through the kitchen window, it beckoned me. My hand ached to allow the silken strands to slip through my fingers again, but I stubbornly kept my hands on the table.

“You don’t need to lie to make me feel better. I look like shit, and I know it.” She stood and gestured toward my plate as she prepared to take hers to the sink. When I handed her my plate, our fingers touched again. The plates momentarily shook in her hand before she took a deep breath and turned toward the sink to rinse the plates. There was that spark again, but this time my dick started to twitch as well.

Down, boy.

She turned and leaned against the counter with her hands resting on the edge on either side of her hips. The sun shining through the window behind her head illuminated her hair even further. Before I was aware of what I was doing, I stood and walked toward her until I straddled her legs and placed my hands on the counter at her sides, essentially corralling her. Leaning in until my lips grazed the shell of her ear, I inhaled her honeyed essence. God, she still smelled so sweet.

“I’m not blowing smoke up your ass, Becca. I thought you were beautiful the first night I saw you, and I think you’re beautiful right now,” I whispered in her ear. “I don’t lie. You look like you have a lot on your mind, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t still fucking gorgeous or I don’t still want you.” Despite my resolutions to stay away from her, I tipped my head and leaned in to brush my lips across hers. What I intended to be a quick, chaste kiss, deepened into a possessive claiming when she parted her lips. A soft moan slipped from her, and those slender hands reached up to curl around the collar of my shirt.

Pulling away, pissed off at myself for giving in to my inner desires, I let out my inner asshole. “So, how’s Trevor?” Her eyes widened and she tried to push me away.

“I don’t want to talk about him with you,” she ground out. “Let me go.” She continued to push on my chest as her head dipped down and away.

She was killing me. She didn’t need to be with him. Fuck.

My mind screamed that this woman was mine, and I wasn’t going to let her go. Ever. How had I thought I could? Despite my promises to myself and my sister, there was something powerful between us, something that couldn’t be ignored.

“Bec…,” I whispered, and her eyes shining with tears met mine. Our lips crashed together again. The salt of her tears mingled in our kiss.

I wasn’t sure how long we stood there devouring each other before someone clearing their throat broke through our haze. We broke apart quickly, and I watched her quickly dry her face, bite her bottom lip, and look at the ground. Her heaving chest and flushed cheeks gave away the effect the kiss had on her. My heart surged in my chest, it was beating so hard. After taking a deep breath, I leaned in to whisper in her ear before I turned to meet Reaper’s questioning gaze. I grinned at him and walked out the door.

My bike was idling at a low rumble, and I was flipping through songs on my iPhone until Pop Evil’s “Boss’s Daughter” started to play. Reaper swung a leg over his bike as he looked at me and shook his head.

“What?” I asked him, as if I had no idea what he was thinking. He shook his head again as he smirked and started the motor. We pulled out of the gate and ran through all our gears in a mere heartbeat as we sped down the road toward the shop.

There was nothing like the freedom of racing the wind on a cool morning. The grin I couldn’t keep suppressed stretched ear to ear as I raced down the road handlebar to handlebar with Reaper. We had a lot to talk about, Becca and I. Hell if I knew how, but Becca was going to be staying here and, come hell or high water, she was going to be mine.

MASON’S WHISPERED WORDS BEFORE leaving this morning ran through my head as if on a perpetual loop. “This is not over. You are here and you are mine, Becca. Let it sink in good, baby girl.” Absently scrubbing the dishes in the hot, sudsy water, my mind continued to wander.

Shit. I hadn’t seen him in months, yet one touch of his hand against my cheek and ear as he tucked my hair behind my ear and my panties were wet. When he kissed me against the sink, I swore I was about three seconds away from climaxing just from tasting his mouth on mine. He hadn’t even moved his hands from the counter on either side of me. The only contact had been our lips and my arms around his neck.

And in case you’re wondering, no, I did not plan that and, no, I did not even realize my arms were moving until I felt the worn denim of his collar and the soft but prickly ends of his hair, which he still wore short in the back, under my fingertips.

The whole situation had me wondering what the hell was going on. Damn, I was a more than a little confused. When he left my room in Vegas, and then after the way he treated me at the wedding, I figured he truly hated me and never wanted to see me again. He had given me the cold shoulder when he first entered the kitchen this morning too. Then he suddenly reached out to tuck my hair back. His hand barely touched me, but I couldn’t believe the current that shot through me at his touch.

He was still sexy as hell. The images of him I had tried to keep buried over the last seven months flooded back with a vengeance. The way his jeans rode low on his hips and snug on his ass, the feel of his abs and chest as I raked my nails and fingertips over them, the feel of his hot skin against mine. It was like yesterday.

Oh shit. Okay. Too far.

It was one thing to remember how good looking and hot he was, another to remember the intimate details of our one night together. But damn, what a night it had been.

Shit, I was in trouble.

What exactly did he mean when he said it wasn’t over and I was his? Just the thought of his whispered words had my nipples hardening and tingling again. Lordy, I was really, really in trouble. Could he possibly still want me? Or was he just being an asshole, fucking with me?

“Sooooooooo… do you want to tell me why I just got a call from Hollywood asking me to invite him for dinner tonight?” Steph’s smug question had me at a loss for words. The glass I had reached to set on the dish drying mat nearly slipped out of my hands. Lost in my head, I hadn’t even heard her come back in.

“Honestly, I have no clue.” A fluffy puff of suds was left in the sink after I pulled the plug to drain the water. The slight sounds of the tiny bubbles popping sounded like firecrackers going off in the silence of the room. My soul felt raw. It felt like any words I spoke were inadequate to answer the questions I could see spinning in her mind.

Turning slowly, leaning on the counter in the same spot Mason had kissed me had my heart rate jumpstarting as a deluge of feelings rushed through me. Holy hell, I was screwed. My arms crossed in an unconscious protective manner over my chest. There was a defiant spark in my eyes as I met Steph’s eyes.

“Hey, hoochy momma, don’t look at me like that. I highly doubt he is dying to come have dinner with me and Reaper, so that leaves little ol’ you. Hmm, I wonder why that is? I think Hollywood wants to try for round two with you.” Steph may be my best friend, but I seriously could smack that smirk off her face right now.

Grrrr.

“Bitch, please. He and I had one single night seven months ago. It’s highly unlikely he’s pining for me or wanting to rekindle anything.” My attempt at dry humor and sarcasm was met with laughter from my supposed best friend.

Wench. I may have to rethink the whole best friend concept, I thought with a scowl. Evidently, my attempt at the evil eye wasn’t scaring her, so I had to resort to drastic measures.

Yep. I stuck my tongue out at her.

We both erupted into gales of laughter after that. After the laughter died down, we each took a bottle of water from the fridge and carried it out to the porch. Steph set up the baby monitor to listen for the kiddos as they napped and we each stretched out on a padded patio chair. This was the first time I had been up to the house Reaper had bought for her, and it was easy to see why he had chosen it. It was serene and had plenty of room for Remi and Wyatt to run and play over the years. The air smelled clean and refreshing. You could hear the peaceful whisper of the spring air through the budding trees and the twitter of little birds. I loved it already.

“So, what are we making for dinner?”

“We? Do you cook with a mouse in your pocket?” I teased. My twisted sense of humor made me giggle. Steph gave me the you’re-a-real-smartass look. We sat and made dinner plans until we heard Wyatt fuss over the baby monitor. She started to get up to get him, but I told her to sit and rest, I would go.

Wyatt was in his crib kicking his legs when I got to the room. Cooing over him, I scooped him up and snuggled him close as I walked to the changing table to clean him up. After he had a fresh diaper on, he smelled so sweet. My heart ached as I held him, wondering if I would ever experience the joy of being a mother. His dark, downy hair was so silky under my cheek. When he started rooting around on my chin, I laughed and knew it was time to go to Mommy.

The ache began again as I watched Steph settle her infant son to her breast. My thoughts wandered as I watched the incredibly sweet moment with a slight smile on my face. The vision came unprompted to my mind of me in the same position with a golden-haired baby held to my own breast as I watched him suckle. In my daydream, I looked up to my baby’s father as he leaned over the back of the bench I sat on, to tenderly kiss our son’s head and then my cheek. The amount of love that surrounded our little family was unbelievable, and I couldn’t help but smile in overwhelming bliss. As my gaze moved up into my dream world husband’s eyes, I was startled to meet familiar, beautiful, dark-lashed, light hazel eyes reflecting the love that bloomed unrestrained in my heart.

Oh Shit. What the hell was that? I’m losing my ever-loving mind!

Shaking my head, I jumped up from my chair. When Steph asked me if I was okay, I gave a false smile. “Of course, I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be? I’m just going in to start supper.”

Jesus. For some insane reason, my mind had conjured Hollywood up as my future husband and father of my child.

Good God, I needed to get a grip.

Yeah, it was ballsy of me to invite myself to dinner at Reaper and Steph’s, but she loved me and I knew she wouldn’t mind. After the brief discussions we’d had, I also knew she wouldn’t mind playing matchmaker between me and Becca. And with the chemistry that had exploded this morning, I needed to see Becca again ASAP. Something deep in my soul called to her, knowing she belonged with me.

Mine continuously circled in my head. The visceral desire to claim her body and soul was overwhelming.

She hadn’t looked happy, and I was determined to find out why. She may not be with that Trevor guy, but I wasn’t sure what the details were with all that. The sooner we talked, the better. She was mine, and there was no way she was leaving here until she admitted it. It was obvious she felt the connection; it just remained to be seen if she felt it as deeply as I did. The startled look in her eyes when our skin touched made me hope so. Now, I just needed to be able to get her alone tonight to talk to her.

“Stop. My plans really are to just talk to her. That’s it. Okay, fine. Yeah, if she let me kiss her again and wrap her firm body up in my arms, then hell yeah, I’m going to do it. Quit making it sound like I have nefarious plans to seduce her,” I mumbled.

I needed to quit talking to myself. Jesus.

The rest of the afternoon seemed to crawl by in slow motion. It was my job at the shop to do the custom paint jobs on top of basic mechanic work. Before starting at the shop, I had never thought of myself as an artist, but for some reason, I could paint the hell out of a bike. The designs just seemed to flow from me, and it was pretty cool. Even I couldn’t deny it. Truth be told, I loved it. We had a really nice Harley Street Glide we were doing a lot of custom work on for a guy out on the west coast. He was some new rock star sensation, but he seemed like a pretty cool fucking dude, not one of those stuck-on-himself-too-cool-to-mingle-with-the-little-guys type.

The finished product was going to be pretty badass, and my paint job was definitely kickass. The tank had a deck of cards flying toward a vanishing point in various positions, as if they were flipping and flying through smoky air. On the front fender, smoky tendrils started, leading to the batwing fairing where a skeleton in a top hat with a red rose and a black bowtie was positioned so he appeared to be the one flipping the cards through the air. You just had to see it to truly appreciate it. Who would have thought a sniper’s spotter would end up creating shit like that?

Regardless of how busy I was all day, Becca was never far from my mind, and every time I looked at the clock, it barely seemed to be moving. By the time I noticed it was nearly five, my heart raced erratically as I waited for the last few minutes to tick by while I cleaned up my area. You would think, as much as I looked forward to seeing her again today, I wouldn’t be so fucking nervous. It was the anticipation, I guessed.

It was just completely unnerving now that I realized how badly I coveted Becca’s heart and soul. Shit, what the fuck was getting into me?

Stop it. I’m not usually so sappy. Don’t judge me.

It just felt like I was constantly on edge and waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop. There was an innate restlessness that was screaming at me to leave now and get to Becca as fast as I could before she could slip away from me. Fuck.

Reaper was putting all his tools away, and I told him I’d wait out by the bikes for him. He was talking on his cell and gave me a nod of his head in agreement. The brothers who lived in their own places were starting to trickle out and head home to their families. The music from inside the clubhouse gained intensity as the jukebox was turned up to be heard over the jesting and laughter of the guys. At this time of day, some would be racking up the balls to shoot pool; others were probably sitting at the small bar bullshitting. Still, more would head over to the Oasis, Steph’s pub, to hang out and gorge on some of the meals Steph had designed as signature dishes for the Oasis.

“You in a hurry for something, bro?” Reaper was being a cocky asshole with that grin. Fucker knew damn well why I invited myself to dinner—besides Steph’s amazing culinary genius, that is. Trying to act relaxed and patient was damn near killing me. My head and heart were about to explode.

By the time Reaper started his bike, smiled, and rolled out of the lot toward his place, I was so anxious to lay my eyes on her, I couldn’t stand it. Once we hit the road, I quickly worked through my gears until my bike ate up the few miles to their home. We rolled our bikes up to the garage and set the kickstands. Reaper was still grinning at me with a teasing expression as he got off his bike.

“Shut the fuck up.” He hadn’t said a word, but I knew what he was thinking, and he needed to just stuff it. Motherfucker. Like he hadn’t panted after Steph when he found her again. Despite knowing where I hoped things would end up with Becca, there were no guarantees in this life. What I knew for sure was I wanted her like no one I had ever wanted before. Maybe this wasn’t a forever thing. Maybe after a while, I would be able to work her out of my system, but right now, I just knew I wanted her. I wanted to be inside her, wrapped around her and owning her. The thought of that Trevor asshole or any other guy having their hands on her soft skin had me damn near seeing red. Something about her brought out a crazy possessive side of me. Not in like a stalker, creepy way, so don’t even go there.

She just felt like… well… like she was mine.

STEPH HAD CONCOCTED SOME sort of fancy chicken on a bed of seasoned rice with Asparagus spears and carrots, seasoned with some kind of deliciousness.

I made… the salad.

Boy, did I feel like I went all out.

Yes, sarcasm intended.

Now, in my defense, I did make my mom’s famous coconut cake for dessert. Thanks to my mom, baking was really more my thing. One thing I could say as I sat smelling the amazing aromas that permeated the kitchen was Reaper must never get bored with Steph’s food! He better stay active, or he would easily be six hundred pounds one day, I giggled to myself.

My eyes kept darting over to the clock to see how much longer before the guys were home. Every minute crawled by until I heard the rumble of their Harley’s as they pulled up out front. One of them said something, and then I heard laughter that sounded like Reaper, but I wasn’t sure. The fluttering in my chest and stomach increased.

Looking down, I noticed I had flour on my T-shirt and sticky Remi handprints on my jeans from when I let her lick the bowl of frosting.

Crap!

“I’ll be right back!” I shouted to Steph as I raced down the hall to the spare bedroom, stripping out of my clothes as soon as the door closed. As I stood digging through my bag for a clean pair of jeans and a shirt that didn’t say I had dressed up for him, but one that didn’t make me look like a bum, I heard Reaper coming down the hall. He must be going to their room to get cleaned up too. Okay, good, I had time.

That’s when the door burst open and Mason stepped in the room. Whatever he was getting ready to say froze on his tongue, and I was immobilized for a moment in shock before grabbing a pillow off the bed next to me and holding it over myself.

Shit, I was in my underwear! Granted, they were nice ones—my favorite red set—but I wasn’t expecting anyone to just come barging in! Damn.

“Excuse me! Do you not know how to knock?” It was hell trying to keep my face from giving away the rush I felt just seeing him. I tried to maintain an indignant look. I was sure I failed, but I tried. The man had already seen me in much less, but that was before.

Before what? I don’t know… Shut up.

When I saw him close the door softly and lean back against it, I felt my body tingling and a flood of wetness at my core. Oh man, oh man. How did he do that to me just by looking at me?

Oh no, he was not coming toward me with a feral gleam in his eye. No, no, no. Oh shit, yes, he was.

I held a hand out in front of me to ward him off, like I didn’t want to crawl up his sexy body like a spider monkey. “Hollywood, what are you doing? No. Don’t you come over here! Hollywood!” I started to panic at the thought of not being able to control myself if he got too close. But it was already much too late. He gently took the pillow from me and set it on the bed before placing his hands on either side of my neck and sliding them up until his fingers were buried in my curls. I was sure he could hear my heart beating, because it sure as hell felt like it was pounding out of my chest. His lips parted, and he started to lean closer.

When his lips brushed against mine hesitantly at first, I felt a jolt of electricity… or energy… or something… shoot through my entire body. Whatever it was, I didn’t want it to stop. When my hands curled up around his body and over his shoulder to pull him closer, the kiss deepened into a crazy, frantic exchange, like we were trying to meld right into each other. My nipples were so hard the friction of them against my lace bra was almost uncomfortable. God knew when his hands slid down to my thighs, but I felt them gliding up from my thighs to cup my ass and pull me tight to his body. Oh wow, he was seriously turned on, unless the large ridge I felt in his jeans was something other than his dick.

My nails dug in to the leather over his shoulders, and I moaned into his mouth as he pulled me even closer, placing pressure on my clit. Sweet baby Jesus, the sensations washing over me made me whimper. He lifted me up until my legs were wrapped around his waist, and I felt his leg rise as he climbed on the bed while holding me. Our kiss broke off as he laid me back across the comforter. A whine slipped out of my mouth at the loss of contact from both his lips and groin.

“Hollywood…” The breathless whine of my voice was foreign to me.

“Mason. For you, it’s Mason, not Hollywood.” His voice was as breathless as mine.

We were both breathing heavy as he stared into my eyes as the back of his hand skimmed along my skin until his fingertips were running along the inside of my panties. When his fingers dipped down into my folds, I knew he felt how turned on I was. It was evident in the mixed look of triumph and pain in his eyes, which appeared more green than gold. My breath caught at the feeling of his finger slipping in and out of my channel before he added a second digit.

Dear God, don’t let him stop…

My head pressed back into the bed, and gasping breaths slipped from my mouth as his fingers moved in and out, curling against just the right place to push me into sensory overload. The heel of his hand placed pressure in circular motions on my clit, and his name whispered from my lips as I grasped desperately at the comforter. “Yes, just like that…” Was that me hissing out words of encouragement to this gorgeous man with his hand between my legs? My hands were still wildly grasping the bedding. My subconscious must have thought, if I could get a strong enough grip on something, then I could control the crashing waves of insane desire he was creating in me.

My breasts ached, my entire body quivering and on edge. Jesus, he is so good at this. The feeling of absolute fulfillment at his hands was about to overtake me, the ripples starting at the periphery of my being.

“Let go, Becca. Give it up for me. Show me again how fucking gorgeous you are when you come.” His words whispered across my neck. He increased the pressure on my clit and his fingers played my G-spot like the most skilled pianist. The pressure kept building, and every muscle in my body tightened in expectation. When the explosion came, I saw white flash behind my closed lids and his name was a groan from deep in my soul. His lips crashed to mine in an effort to contain my moans of ecstasy as his hand continued to work me, squeezing out every bit of pleasure and extending my orgasm until I thought I might completely combust.

When I finally started my descent back to Earth, he broke off from our kiss so we could breathe and rested his forehead against mine. “God, Becca, you’re so fucking stunning. I could spend all day in bed with you, making you come, just to see that look on your face. You are so damn amazing to me.” His fingers continued to stroke within my core as he kept pressure on my clit, causing me to clench against them in an aftershock of pleasure. When he pulled his hand from my panties and raised it to his lips, I almost died. Surely he wasn’t going to… oh God, he did. He licked his fingers as if the cream coating them was the sweetest delicacy.

Shit, that was hot.

“Jesus, Mason. What the hell are you doing to me? You’re going to drive me crazy if you keep this up.” My voice sounded breathless and soft—so foreign to my ears. I watched as he removed his fingers and leaned closer before running his tongue along the shell of my ear, causing goose bumps to erupt along my skin. He then nipped my ear with his teeth.

Mmmm, damn his teeth on my skin were a wild turn-on.

“Becca, baby, I’ve only just begun to pleasure you. By the time I’m done with you, you’ll have forgotten the feel of any other man inside you. The only name that will come to your lips in climax is mine. Your body will crave my touch like an addiction.” His breath puffed against my ear and neck as he spoke, causing the chills to ripple through my body with a shudder of desire.

Oh dear God in heaven. What he didn’t know was I already did.

“You probably won’t believe me, but I really did just come in here to tell you dinner was ready. Then when I saw you standing there in just those tiny scraps of red lace, it was my undoing. You do things to me no other woman ever has.” It was important for her to know that while I didn’t for a second regret what had just passed between us, I didn’t come in here intent of seducing her. Of course, I can’t say that wasn’t on the agenda for later, but hey, I wasn’t admitting that just yet.

She bit that bottom lip between her little white teeth and my cock jerked, reminding me I had neglected it. Fuck.

“Becca, please stop that shit or we will not be having dinner with everyone.” My tongue ran across her bottom lip and teeth, extricating her lip from their punishment and allowing me to gently suck it in before ending in a tender, lingering kiss.

I crawled off the bed, reaching for her hand to help her up. When she stood, I pulled her body gently to mine before placing another soft, chaste kiss on her lips and the tip of her nose. My hands gripped her ass in a possessive hold.

“Baby, we need to talk. Ride with me after dinner.” It wasn’t really a request, but her green eyes met mine and she nodded before cupping my head and kissing my cheek. She stood there on her tiptoes and held the side of her face to mine for a minute before she spoke.

“I need to get some clothes on, so unless you want me to go out and have dinner dressed like this, you need to let me go.” She gave a teasing little grin and stepped back until my hands rested lightly on her hips. The thought of Reaper, or any man, seeing her like this made me feel an irrational burst of jealousy, so I reluctantly let her pull out of my arms to dress.

My eyes devoured her every movement as she stepped into a pair of snug-fitting jeans and slipped on a long-sleeve, black Metallica tee with vintage print across her chest. I had never been more jealous of a band in my life. She sat on the bed to pull on a pair of socks and then walked over to grab a pair of boots. When she bent over to tug them on one at a time, I had to adjust my dick just from the view of her perfect, firm ass and the tiny glimpse of skin where her shirt raised up slightly.

Shit, I’m in trouble with this girl, and I truly don’t give a rat’s ass.

She straightened up and looked at me. Yeah, totally busted checking her out, and her smirk said she knew exactly what I had been doing. I shrugged my shoulders and gave her a shit-eating grin.

“Hey, what can I say? I’m a red-blooded man and you are one fine-looking woman.”

The sound of her laughter made my stomach flip. She raised an eyebrow as she tried to turn the knob and found it locked.

“Well, after I saw you like that, I figured it wouldn’t be a good thing for someone to walk in on us while we came to an, uhhhh…. understanding.” Winking at her, I reached around and unlocked the door, opened it, and waved her through in a “ladies first” manner.

Best. View. Ever.

Walking behind her was something I could handle doing every day. Well, maybe not. I might end up with a perpetual hard-on. That shit would suck. Hmmm, unless it led to us being in bed. Then, of course, we would never get anything done. No job, no money, no place to live… probably a bad idea.

“Earth to Hollywood, Earth to Hollywood. Are you done checking out Becca’s ass? Because I’d like to eat the amazing food my wife made for us sometime tonight.” I jumped at the sound of Reaper’s voice. He stood in the doorway to the living room with his arms crossed over his chest, trying not to laugh at me. Shit, was I really that engrossed in looking at her ass? Dammit. What the hell was wrong with me? Grinning like an idiot, I decided I really didn’t care that he saw me staring. She was like a drug crawling through my blood, and I totally needed to fuck her until I got her out of my system. Then maybe we could go our separate ways.

But if I was just going to fuck her and forget her, why did it piss me off to think of her with someone else after we were done? Because every nerve in my body screamed she was mine every time I saw her.

DINNER WAS AMAZING, AS always with Steph’s cooking, but also one of the most uncomfortable experiences I’d ever had. First, Remi busted me by asking why “Unco Mason” was in my room. Steph and Reaper tried not to laugh at her innocent question. Then, to top it all off, Mason and his smug little smirk. I was mortified that Steph and Reaper had any idea of what had happened in there. Good Lord. Once upon a time, I would have had no qualms bringing a guy home with Steph being in her room, but now that we were older and it was her house with her family, it just seemed, well, awkward. She had kids in the house for crying out loud!

I started to help Steph clean up after dinner, but she wouldn’t let me, insisting that I go with Hollywood to “relax and enjoy the ride.” She always referred to him as Hollywood; I guessed that was because that was how she was introduced to him. In all honestly, I had been too, but when a guy tells you to call him by his name in the middle of the best orgasm of your life, you call him by his name. At Steph’s phrase, I saw Mason waggle his eyebrows, and I knew what kind of “ride” he was thinking of. My eyes rolled at his craziness, but truthfully, I felt a little thrill go through me at the thought of both kinds of “rides.”

Yeah, there was still a bit of that wild child in me. Who we were deep in our soul didn’t change no matter how hard we tried to subdue it.

Steph loaned me a leather jacket since it had cooled off quite a bit after the sun went down, and Mason and I went out to get on the bike. Several of the guys I was with in college had bikes, so I was no stranger to riding, but it had been awhile, and I was a little nervous. Not to mention, the thought of him being between my legs? Oh damn, that was not a good place for my mind to go while I needed to be paying attention so I didn’t fall off the damn bike.

Mason’s bike was gorgeous, I had to admit. It was a metallic black with saddle bags that were the same color and a fancy “dashboard” looking thing. I was sure all this stuff had a name, but I wasn’t up on my motorcycle lingo. He pulled a half helmet—I knew its name because I remembered one of my ex’s talking about the difference between a full-face and a half helmet. See? I wasn’t totally bike stupid. As he started the bike up, music began to play, and I laughed because it was Metallica’s “Unforgiven II,” and I thought of the shirt I had put on. Mason looked at me in question.

“What’s so funny?”

Pointing at my shirt, I smiled, watching him read my shirt as I was zipping up the borrowed jacket.

“Yeah, you have nice tits,” he said, and I couldn’t help but laugh. I gave him a playful punch in the arm, and he motioned for me to climb on as he continued to laugh. Shithead.

Some things really were like riding a bike, I guess. No pun intended. Climbing on the bike felt natural, like I had done it all my life. He didn’t have a backrest for me, so I had to scoot forward and wrap my arms around his waist. Of course, this pressed my boobs up against his back and my crotch against his ass, not that I could think of a nicer ass to be up against.

Stop it, Becca, you slut! Ugh! I was sooooo bad!

He told me to hang on tight. As we pulled out on to the road and picked up speed, I swore he was intentionally shifting quickly to smash my boobs against him each time. Okay, so I wasn’t really complaining. The wind was cool as it rushed by, and it was definitely warmer snuggled up close to him.

He never said where we were going, but I didn’t really care. The ride was amazing, and holding his body close to mine was like a little slice of heaven after the magic he had worked on it before dinner.

He started to slow, and I looked over his shoulder to see where we were. We had turned off into a park by the lake and followed the narrow road around the lake until we pulled into a parking area, and he backed us up into a spot and shut off the engine. We sat on the bike for a minute listening to the ticking of the engine and enjoying the warmth of the motor and each other before he pulled off his helmet and hung it over his right-hand mirror. It seemed like a good time to climb off, so I did and worked to get the buckle unlatched on my helmet.

It wasn’t cooperating, and I struggled a little before he reached up to help me. My hands fell to my side, and I took in the details of his face as he focused on the buckle and working the strap loose. He was so damn good looking. It should truly be a sin to look as gorgeous as he did. He had tipped his head to the side and bent down a little to see the buckle under my chin, putting him at eye level with me. His lashes were obscenely thick and long, his lips were firm but full, and his jaw was strong, slightly square and had a darker five o’clock shadow coming through. There was a thin scar that cut through his left eyebrow, and I wondered how he had acquired it.

He must have felt my scrutiny of his face because he looked into my eyes as he lifted the helmet from my head, and we just stood there for a moment considering each other while he held the helmet in one hand. He took a deep breath and grabbed my hand as he set my helmet on his bike and led me toward the lake. Just the touch of his hand to mine sent tingles of awareness through my body. It was like electric currents fired from his fingers to mine. He led me over to a little shelter with a couple of picnic tables looking over the lake. It had one wall blocking the wind and the view from the road, leaving us somewhat secluded.

Mason climbed up to sit on the top of the picnic table and reached out a hand to pull me up with him to sit between his legs. After I got settled, he wrapped his arms around me and rested his chin on my shoulder. His scent invaded my senses as we sat quietly. We stayed that way for a while and watched the moonlight as it reflected on the water. Between the breeze and fish out on the lake, it created small waves and ripples so the lake appeared to be glittering. The night was quiet, with only the rustle of the breeze blowing through the trees, the chirp of crickets, and small animals scurrying in the distance.

“Becca, I needed to talk to you away from Steph and Reaper. Look, I know things went to shit in Vegas. It was just a real punch to the gut to find out I was the ‘other guy.’ There are things about that… well, it’s a long story.” He took a deep breath. “You said you didn’t want to talk about it, but I need to know. I honestly don’t know what this is between us, or how long it will last, but I don’t want you to go back to him. Stay here with me. See where this goes—no strings, we just see what happens. Right now, I just don’t think I can let you go… and the thought of you being with anyone else fills me with an indescribable fury. It makes me feel like I’m completely out of control, and dammit, I have tried so damn hard to get you out of my head for months. You have no idea. I don’t understand it, but I think if you left right now, I may just cease to exist. God, that sounds cheesy… Please don’t think I’m crazy, because I’m not a pussy, but I guess I feel pretty fucking possessive of you, whether it makes sense or not.”

His words caught me completely off guard as I never expected to hear that from him. My heart lurched and my breath felt wedged in my throat. In all the time I had been with Trevor, he had never said such candid things to me. Then it clicked in my head… he thought Trevor and I were still together.

Turning my head and upper body to look at him, I reached up to take his face and look him in the eyes. His scruff was prickly against the soft palms of my hands, and I rubbed my thumbs against it, hearing and feeling the rasp as each hair crossed my skin. “Mason, Trevor and I aren’t together anymore. I had told him things were over before I left for Vegas. I wasn’t with him when you and I were together there. He didn’t want to hear it, and he pressured me into staying in the house to ‘work things out’ after I got back. But in the end, I couldn’t stay with him, because I just knew it wasn’t going to work. I moved out months ago. Then I came up here to get away from some stupid crap that happened, not just to visit. I don’t know how long I’ll be staying, but I can’t go back yet. I don’t want to go back yet, if ever.”

His eyes seemed to darken at my admission and his lips parted slightly. His fingers wove through my hair as he grasped it tight to tip my head closer to him. I couldn’t help leaning in to him, even with his hand guiding my head. It was like his lips and body were magnets and I was under their pull. My heart lurched when my lips encountered his, and it felt like a thousand butterflies fluttered in my stomach. He tasted like heaven and what started as a gentle meeting evolved quickly into a passionate battle to consume each other.

When her lips touched mine after she told me she wasn’t with Trevor, I lost all thought and pulled her up until she was straddling my lap. The chemistry between us was off the charts. Whatever was between us was strong as fuck. No other woman had ever affected me like this. Becca was straight-up under my skin. She had crept into my head months ago, and I couldn’t get her off my mind no matter how hard I tried. She crept into my very dreams at night. She was becoming as vital as the air I breathed. And that scared the shit out of me.

My hands slipped up under the back of her shirt, and I unhooked her bra before resting them on the silky skin of her back. The heat of that satiny skin against my hands felt like an inferno. She ran her arms around my waist and mimicked my movements by running them up under the back of my shirt. Her lips tasted sweet like the frosting on the cake she had made. Taking her bottom lip with my teeth, I drew it into my mouth and suck gently before moving to kiss along the line of her jaw.

She pressed into me, chest to groin, with a quickly inhaled breath that escaped her lips again in a soft moan. My cock was pressing painfully at the zipper of my jeans, and her grinding against it was bordering on painful but so incredibly arousing I didn’t want her to stop. She was pushing me toward insanity, and if I didn’t bury my cock in her soon, I might embarrass the shit out of myself. This was happening tonight come hell or high water. She then pulled her body back a little and her hand reached between us. When her nails ran over my jeans from the base of my cock to the tip before she curved her hand around it and squeezed, I groaned in desperation.

Fuck me.

“Becca, I need to be inside you. Now. But I need to be sure you’re wanting the same thing. If not, I think we need to leave and I need to take you back before this actually kills me.” When she unbuttoned my jeans and lowered the zipper, I grabbed her wrist in my hand. “I need you to say it, Becca. I need you to tell me what you want. There cannot be any doubts or questions, baby. Not this time. I need to know it’s just me and you, and we both want this.” She looked me dead in the eye and the words that came out of her mouth nearly made my eyes roll in my damn head.

“Hollywood, I want you to fuck me. I want you to bury your cock in me over and over. I want to feel you come in me as I squeeze your cock with my pussy. Is that clear enough?” Jesus Christ. Clear enough? Shit, I felt like she drew me a fucking picture, and what a picture it was. Holy hell.

I rolled her over so she was laid out on the tabletop. My jeans rested low on my hips unzipped and unbuttoned thanks to her hands, but I wanted her out of hers. Her boots came off first, and I dropped them haphazardly to the ground. Her jeans were next. There was no patience or carefully sliding them off. They pulled off inside out, and I dropped them to the ground with her boots. Leaning over the table, I ran my hands up the outside of her thighs and buried my face in the lace of her panties, biting her clit through the lace and inhaling the scent of her arousal. When I pushed them to the side and ran my tongue along her slit, she dug her fingers in my hair, pulling me closer.

Her panties slid down her thighs in a rush as I needed to see and taste her unobstructed. My tongue circled her clit before I grabbed it with my teeth and flicked it back and forth with the tip of my tongue. She thrashed and moaned as I slipped two fingers in her slick, wet, heat without letting go of her clit. I knew exactly how to curl my fingers to make her come for me, and I was relentless in my assault on her body and senses. She tensed under me, and her thighs tightened around my head. It didn’t matter if it was too much; I pushed her legs open again with my shoulder and my other hand, preventing her from escaping my tongue and fingers. This time, I was intent on driving her over the edge until she essentially fell apart in my hands.

She screamed my road name as I felt her pussy clamp down tight on my fingers. “Mason. Goddammit, call me Mason when we’re like this,” I heard myself growl into her. I fucking loved that I made her brain scramble, but I wanted the sound of my actual name on her lips as she uttered it in the flood of intense pleasure I had created in her.

She was so damn responsive. Her fluids ran out on my hand as she continued to spasm around my fingers. I continued to stroke her, drawing out her climax as long as I could, pressing kisses to her curls and her belly. Working my way up her body, I pushed her shirt and bra up over her glorious chest. My tongue ran around her belly button and across her ribs until I reached the bottom curve of her breasts. Harder than I intended, I nipped the bottoms, leaving slight pink marks in my wake. God, she had amazing tits.

Suckling one taut nipple, I rolled the other between the thumb and forefinger of my free hand. With the stimulation to both her nipples and her core, she was on sensory overload. Her breaths came in short pants, and she moaned my name once again as I lightly ran my teeth across the nipple I had been suckling.

“Jesus, Mason. I need to feel you. Please.” When she whimpered those words, I lost control, hauling her to the end of the table and flipping her over. I pulled out my cock and stroked it a few times with the wetness she had left on my hand before I pushed just the tip into the tight core of her warmth. My other hand stroked her ass before I gripped her hips with both hands. The end of my cock teased her soaking wet pussy by slipping in and out. She cried out in frustration at my teasing actions.

“Tell me how you want it,” I rasped.

“I need you, Mason, hard. Now, dammit. Fuck me! Please!” As I drove myself deep into her pussy until my balls hit against her clit, she gasped. My eyes rolled into the back of my head and my knees nearly buckled as her hot sheath tightened around my cock. Fucking A, she was so damn tight I almost lost my shit right then and there. I found myself trying to think of random boring shit just to keep me from blowing my load prematurely.

“Fuck, Becca. Hold still for a second, or this is going to end way too soon.” My words were gravely, I knew, and I could barely form a coherent thought. She lay over the table, her forearms and head resting on the table as she panted and moaned. Shit, she was going to kill me. It took everything I had to gather up any vestige of control. When I finally felt like I could move without emptying into her immediately, I slid in and out, building up a steady rhythm. During an outward stroke, I dipped my fingers into her slick wetness, coating them before I circled her puckered ass and slipped the tip of one finger in. “This will be mine soon too,” I whispered in her ear. She gasped, and I felt her tighten around me.

“Harder.” Fuck. Hell, yeah, I could accommodate. Slamming into her until my balls were slapping against her and her tits were bouncing, I listened to her grunts and whimpers of pleasure with each thrust. Her body tensed and her sheath became slightly tighter, telling me she was so very close. I reached around, and my fingers circled her clit at a rapid pace, encouraging her to come with me. The other hand grasped her breast, squeezing her nipple between my fingers. My balls tightened up, and I knew I didn’t have much time left.

“Come, Becca. Come now. I’m not going to last much longer, baby.” No sooner had I made the request than I felt her hot pussy clamp down viciously tight on my cock, and she screamed my name for the second time that night, but this time it was my actual name… That did me in. Two more thrusts, and I felt my cum explode from my cock and fill her. She continued to squeeze my cock with the spasms of her orgasm, milking every last drop from me until I thought I was going to pass out.

Jesus H. Christ. She was too damn much.

Lying across her back for a moment to get my breath, I pressed my lips to the heated skin of her back. She shivered and moved to stand. My arms held her tight to me as we stood, desperately trying to gain control of our breathing. With my cock still nestled within her wet warmth, I buried my nose in her deep red hair and inhaled the fresh scent of her, feeling like I would never get enough of this woman. She was doing crazy things to my mind, body, and heart—all the things I never thought I would want. She whimpered as I slipped out in a flood of our mixed fluids.

“You. Are. Mine. Stay with me, Becca. Please, don’t go…” Though I meant them to be a demand, my words were a murmured plea, as if they slipped uncontrolled from deep in my soul.

SEX WITH MASON WAS mind-blowing and shook me to my core. Never in my life had I been left feeling completely satiated, yet wanting more. He just made me feel things no one else ever had. In his arms, I felt wanton. On the other hand, I also felt protected and cherished, like I was precious and desired. Shit, what was I going to do when he decided he had enough of me? He just wasn’t the type to settle down for long.

He’d said he wanted us to see where this… whatever it was… between us, went. However, it seemed as if he thought it was a feeling that we would grow out of or grow tired of. Standing here in the moonlight, wrapped up in his arms, I knew my heart was not coming away from this relationship unscathed. I foolishly cared about him too much already. He wanted me to be addicted to him and his body; well, he got his wish. Just the thought of him walking away was ripping at my heart and making me ache where we had been joined mere moments before. After he was done with me, I knew I would be completely shattered. And walk away, he would. Guys like him just weren’t the commitment type. He wanted me to be his, but I doubted he meant forever.

The best thing I could do was cordon off my heart. What I needed to do was tell myself we would just enjoy each other and the sexual chemistry for as long as it lasted. Yeah right. Hopefully, after it ended and I went home again, I would wrap up moments like this and relive them when I was alone. What I needed to do and what would actually happen were probably two different things. My hands moved back and forth from his wrists to his elbows, feeling the hills and valleys of his defined muscles in his forearms. He squeezed me tighter, kissing the top of my head. This was the stuff dreams were made of, and I prayed it didn’t end in a nightmare for my heart. Speaking of my heart, it lurched at the feel of him burying his nose in my hair and inhaling deeply.

Hefting a sigh, I extricated myself from his arms and rummaged around for my scattered clothing. The lack of his warmth hit me immediately as the cool night air ran over the thin layer of sweat covering me after our exertions. Shit, I was soaked there too. I used my underwear to clean up as best I could before he took them from my hands and stuffed them in his pocket with a smirk. Weirdo, I laughed to myself. As I redressed, I watched him fasten his pants, taking in the sculpted muscles of his torso. Gawd, he was truly divine. Chiseled abs led to that perfect V, which pointed to the part of him that made my mouth water. I took in the colorful tattoos that decorated his arms and torso, again. It should be criminal for him to cover that gorgeous body, I thought as he pulled on his shirt, tugging it down over his body. But damn if I could deny how sexy it was.

“Hollywood, I quit my job down in Council Bluffs,” I said quietly. “I pretty much ran away after some embarrassing pictures of me got leaked out. Granted, they were all from when I was in college, and they weren’t really, really bad, but that wasn’t how they appeared when they were posted. Someone intended to paint me in the worst light they could, and it worked. The school superintendent asked me to take a leave of absence until this all blew over, but I turned in my resignation. Then, my roommate asked me to leave because she was afraid of the backlash she would face for letting me continue to stay there since she was a teacher too. People were vandalizing her house because of me, so I really don’t blame her for asking me to leave. To top it all off, my parents and I had a falling out after I broke it off with Trevor because they felt like he was such a ‘catch’ and I was foolish to let him go. Just another of my many disappointments to my parents. Well, mostly my mom, but my dad didn’t stand up for me, so I couldn’t go to my parents either. Steph didn’t even know I was coming. She was a sweetheart to let me stay like she has, but I’ll have to find a job to pay my way soon. I have some savings I can get by on for a while, but not too long.” After that spiel, I took a deep breath and watched his expression for a sign of revulsion or a change of heart after what I had revealed. I just felt the need to tell him everything. He stood half in the shadows, so it was hard to read his face.

“Baby, I don’t care. What’s in the past is in the past. Trust me when I say I’ve done some shit that would make yours seem mild I’m sure. People are obviously too busy casting stones to realize they aren’t any better than you. And I owe you an apology too.” He appeared uncomfortable, and I wondered what he could possibly have to apologize for.

“What are you talking about?” He didn’t really owe me any explanations for anything I could think of. He sat on the bench seat of the picnic table, holding his head in his hands and resting his elbows on his knees.

“In Vegas.” Yeah, well, Vegas was a big fucked-up mess between us for sure.

“Look, Mason, I know I was a bitch to you too. I really didn’t think there was the slightest chance in hell anything lasting could come of that night. We lived hours apart, and I wasn’t expecting either of us to commit to any kind of a relationship with those types of terms. Don’t worry about it.” Granted, I had thought he was being a bit of a self-righteous asshole, but that seemed extra bitchy to bring up.

“I thought you were still with Trevor but messing around with me, Becca. You know the whole ‘what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas’ type deal. It pissed me off because I have a rule that I don’t mess with people in relationships. It was a promise I made my sister after her ex-husband screwed anything with a pussy, even when they knew he was married. She made me promise to never be a home-wrecker and to never cheat on a woman if I was serious about her.” He took a deep breath. “Anyway, when Trevor called that morning and you lied about why I was there, I thought that’s what you were doing and that you thought I would be okay with it. I treated you like shit, and I’m sorry. I should have just asked you, but my temper got the better of me that day.”

“Wow. So, we both kind of sold ourselves short that weekend. But, Mason, it doesn’t matter. Either way, we would have had too much distance between us, and we each had our own reasons to want to stay where we were at the time. I happen to not have anything holding me there right now, but I agree with you that we should just see where this goes.” My thigh was against his as I sat down next to him. He reached over and pulled me into his lap, cradling me in his arms.

“Clean slate?” He nuzzled behind my ear. The action sent shivers of desire through me. Damn, he was like a drug, but I was contentedly worn out and basking in the afterglow of what we had just shared.

“Clean slate.” We sealed the deal with a chaste kiss. How long we sat out there enjoying the view and the tranquil night sounds, I have no idea, but I had never felt so at peace in my life.

THAT NIGHT, I HAD wanted to bring Becca back to my room with me and keep her locked up there with me forever. Naked. But instead, I had dropped her off at Steph and Reaper’s place with a few more fucking amazing kisses and a little roaming of our hands before she braced both hands on my chest and pushed me away with a giggle then quietly entered the house and left me smiling like a fool on the front porch.

Shit had been busy at the club the last week or so, and I hadn’t seen her since that night. A few X-rated phone conversations were the extent of my contact with her, and I was about to explode, I was so on edge. Fuck, she was under my skin. If I didn’t get my Becca fix soon, I might lose my damn mind.

Our club had been mostly legit for the past year or more, but we still had occasional run-ins with assholes who felt like they wanted to try to take over our shit. We had the shop, a strip club, a tattoo shop we just opened, we had a small interest in Steph’s bar, and we were in the process of starting up a construction company to go with the hardware/lumberyard. Yeah, it kept us busy.

Unfortunately, we had been having more issues at the Emerald Shamrock, our strip club, lately. According to the girls, there were some assholes in a cut they didn’t recognize who had been harassing them. The shady-ass manager had been kept on when we took over the bar. Several of us thought we should have shitcanned him right away, but the club decided he knew the business, so we would let him keep his job. He was a sleazy little bastard, and he was saying he didn’t know who these guys were and they, conveniently, never seemed to show up when we had someone there. The manager was about to get booted because we were pretty sure he was skimming somehow. Cash hadn’t been able to track it, but he was thinking it was through the girls’ tips. We knew there was no way that bastard could afford the lifestyle he was leading on his salary. Now it was up to us to figure out exactly where he was getting the money.

The latest was something we were not going to let slide. One of the new girls had actually been assaulted and raped during a private dance. The other girls said she entered one of the private rooms with a “skinny creepy looking guy in a cut.” Great description, but everyone had been busy that night and, therefore, not paying great attention to who was where. She was still in the hospital in serious condition, so we couldn’t get a good description of the asshole assailant. We were not going to put up with any woman being treated like that, but to have it be one of our girls made it a serious fuck up that would absolutely be dealt with.

We had positioned one of the prospects, Soap, there incognito, since the manager didn’t know him, and Hacker had tapped into the camera system and added a few extra cameras the manager didn’t know about, but so far the other pieces of shit hadn’t shown their face. When they did, they were going to learn not to fuck with us.

It became my job to stake out the Shamrock from the little diner across the road, sans cut to stay “undercover.” It was a shithole on the surface, but they had great food and even better coffee, so I figured fuck it, there could be worse places to have to watch from. Ordinarily, I wouldn’t give a shit how many nights I needed to sit here, but now that I had someone I’d rather be with at night, it was making me antsy as fuck.

So here I was talking to my sexy redhead while I drank coffee and watched the Shamrock. Her voice purred across the line and coiled around my dick, making me fidget in my seat like a kindergarten kid on the last day of school. Damn, I wanted to have her here where she could actually wrap something around my… Shit, I needed to stop thinking about it. These assholes needed to just show up already, so we could report back to Snow who the fuck was on our shit list and then do something about it.

“So, what time do you think you’ll be done tonight?” As soon as I slide into you, is what I want to say, but I half laughed and half moaned instead. I knew that wasn’t what she was referring to, but my mind went wicked places when it came to her.

“Shit, baby, not soon enough. But as soon as I’m done, I’m coming by to pick you up. I want you to come back to my room and stay the night with me. We have a ride tomorrow, and I want you to join me. Several of the old ladies will be there. It would give you a change to meet everyone.” I couldn’t stand another night of not seeing her beautiful face, or smelling her light floral scent, or touching her silky skin.

Fuck. These thoughts are not helping my damn cock.

“Ooooo, a sleepover? Should I bring my sleeping bag, makeup, and hair products to do you up? Are we going to sneak out to chase boys?” Her husky laugh had the bastard in my pants twitching again.

“Hell, baby, you don’t need to chase boys when you’re going to have this man under you, over you, and inside you. Oh yeah, I can assure you, you won’t need more than this one man.” I was smirking, and I knew she was aware I was fucking with her when her laughter rang out.

“Oh ho! Is that so? Well, then I’ll start packing my overnight bag, and I’ll bring the popcorn and movies!” She sounded more like the feisty Becca I first met, and I loved it. The smile in her voice was unmistakable.

“Yeah, you do that, baby, but don’t be disappointed when you never get to watch those movies. Hey, baby, I gotta run. I’ll call you before I leave to head your way.” I disconnected the call quickly. There was a group of about five or six bikes pulling up out front of the Shamrock, and they weren’t ours, that was for damn sure. Knowing I needed to get closer to get a good look at the patch and colors they were throwing, I threw a twenty down on the table and headed across the street just as they all entered the Shamrock.

Entering the strip club after crossing the street, I was assaulted by cigarette smoke, blaring music, and the hooting and hollering of all the guys that were watching the show. Trying to remain inconspicuous, I grabbed a beer at the bar from one of the waitresses. Sparkle, yeah, total stripper name, was doing her number. She always danced with an intricate mask decorated with rhinestones. Her only days she worked were on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday’s. It was a mystery what she did during the week, but she brought the crowds in on the weekends, so that’s all that mattered to us. Before Becca, I had thought about breaking my redheaded habit for her, but never did because Hacker seemed a little taken with her, and I didn’t want to step on his dick. Not only that, she really never gave any of us the time of day.

Catching Soap’s eye as I walked in, he gave me a head nod that he saw them come in too. Casually, I made my way through the crowd like I was trying to find someone so I could walk past the bikers who had come in. As I passed by them, I overheard their jeers toward Sparkle and the waitresses. They smelled like shit, and if I was correct, they were high as fuck on something. Their patches didn’t look familiar to me, but the name rang bells and the patch itself definitely made the dancers’ descriptions of it make sense. It was just a set of red eyes, and their rockers read Demon Runners MC with a Nomad bottom rocker.

Keeping on the move, I wandered back to Soap and clinked beers with him like we were just a couple of buddies meeting up for some beers and a titty show. We didn’t want to give away who we were. I took the stool across the table from him and positioned myself so my back could lean against the wall as I surveyed the crowd. Even though years had passed, I still liked to have my back secure and have a clear, unobstructed view of my surroundings whenever I could. Some habits were definitely hard to break.

“You get a good look at the patches?” I asked Soap.

“Yeah, you?” I nodded. “You know them?” he asked me.

“No, but I’ve heard of them… somewhere. They seem high as shit too. I’m going to send a text to Snow to send a few of the boys over as a little ‘show of force’ to let them know this is our place and they should maybe get on their fucking bikes and keep ‘nomad-ing’ on down the road. Stupid fucks.” My text complete, I sent it off and waited for the prez’s reply.

Snow: Sending the boys your way now

Then we just sat and waited for the guys to show up. Damn, I still fucking hated waiting.

MY BAG WAS PACKED, and I was sitting on the front porch steps waiting for Hollywood to show up. That name still cracked me up, but hell, he sure was hot enough to be a sexy Hollywood actor. He could also be my personal porn star any day of the week. The thought made me snicker to myself.

Steph and the babies had already gone to bed, but the guys were still out doing whatever it was they were doing for the club tonight. Steph told me to get used to hearing the phrase “club business.” Ugh, whatever. They could have their little boys club, I just wanted time with my guy.

My guy. Wow, it had been awhile since that term sent a thrill through my belly and a tingle between my legs. Shit, was I rushing things? Doing the right thing? Really, I hadn’t been out of my relationship with Trevor for very long. Maybe I was rebounding. No. Trevor and I had been over long before I met Mason and certainly long before I moved out.

Besides, Mason and I had both said we would enjoy this for as long as it lasted. No expectations. No promises of forever. So, no, I wasn’t screwing up; I just needed to avoid overanalyzing our relationship because I was really working hard to just let things run their course and not define or rush anything—at least that’s what I told myself.

Leave me to my little make-believe world and be quiet.

My elbows leaned back on the step above me, and I looked up at the stars. They were so beautiful out here. It seemed like there were millions more than I used to see in town back home. It had only been just shy of two weeks week since I packed up my meager belongings and showed up on Steph’s front door step, but I loved it here already. The more I thought about it, the more I knew I would really like to stay here. Even if things didn’t work out between me and Hollywood, which I didn’t even want to think about because damn it hurt and it shouldn’t, I really loved the feel of this small town. Yeah, I missed my parents, but maybe I needed to spread my wings and fly. Besides, my dad called me yesterday and said he changed his routes so he could swing by to see me every so often. Man, I loved my dad. My mom and I? Yeah, I loved her, but we were still not seeing eye to eye.

The rumble of Harley pipes in the distance broke the silence. Lordy, I didn’t know how Reaper didn’t wake the kiddos when he came home late at night, because I could hear them from way down the road already. My heart started to pick up speed at the mere thought of Hollywood getting closer to me. Senses on high alert, my entire body tingled in anticipation. When their headlights pulled in the driveway, my belly gave a quick flip.

Shit, I was in trouble if my body was physically reacting to just knowing he was close. It was like I had my own little “Hollywood radar” going off. Hell, it may be entirely too late to guard my heart. Trying to push those thoughts down, I pulled in a deep, fortifying breath.

Both guys pulled up and shut off their bikes. Reaper got off and started toward the house, kissing the top of my head as he passed me on the stairs. “Goodnight, Little Red. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.” He smirked, and I laughed, swatting playfully at his leg as he let himself quietly in the house. Shithead. After the door latched, I looked over to Hollywood who was still sitting on his bike looking at me like he was ready to consume me. Hungry was the term that described his expression.

“Well, Red, baby, what are you waiting for? Or have you changed your mind?” His voice slid across the night air and ran through my senses like smooth whiskey. My bag was next to me, and I scooped it up as I went down the steps and sauntered over to him. Excitement rippled through me, making me feel like a teenage girl on her first date.

“Does it look like I changed my mind?” My tone was sultry, and I leaned in and nipped his neck before I kissed his night-cooled skin. Then I let my tongue slip out to run up along his jawline, ending in another nip where his jaw ended.

His growl was his only response before he grabbed my waist and lifted me over his bike so I was facing him, straddling his legs with my ass on the tank. His lips on mine were like adding gasoline to a fire as the heat exploded between us. Our kiss was wild and deep, a dueling of tongues and nipping teeth that left us both breathless and wanting as we pulled away from each other slowly. My forehead rested against his and his words feathered over my lips.

“Jesus, baby, I need you. Even more than before. Are you ready to go now? Because if we don’t get going soon, like right now, I’m going to christen Reaper and Steph’s front porch.” My smirk earned me a smile and a quick kiss before he smacked my ass and told me to put my bag in the saddle bags and get on the back.

Before I knew it, we were racing down the road. My hair flew like a fiery banner behind me, and I knew it would be tangled as shit by the time we got there, but what a glorious feeling. With my breasts pressed tight against him and my face buried in his back, I inhaled the smell of leather, smoke, and what I could only describe as… Mason. My nipples felt hard enough to cut glass, which had absolutely nothing to do with the temperature, and I was glad for the double barriers of leather, or I would never hear the end of it from him.

By the time we arrived at the clubhouse and rolled through the gate, it was well after one in the morning. The gate closed behind us and we drove behind the building to park and enter the back door. The clubhouse reminded me of an old barn or shop with some serious fencing topped with razor wire. They were not playing around with that shit.

Damn.

Hollywood unlocked the door, and after securing it and setting the security code, he took my hand and led me down the back hall of rooms to the second door from the end. Then he unlocked the door and pulled me in behind him to close and lock the door behind us.

No sooner had he locked it than he was grabbing my bag to toss it to the floor and scooping me up in his arms. Our eyes stayed connected, and we were both breathing heavy by the time he stopped at the bed and tossed me to the middle where I bounced then fell back against the pillows. The room was dark except for the moonlight coming in from the high window above the bed. I watched as he stripped off his leather cut and pulled his shirt over his head. That was a view I would never tire of seeing. My tongue ran across my lips unconsciously as his muscles rippled and flexed with each movement.

Sweet baby Jesus.

Everything he stripped off landed on a chair next to the door. The top button of his jeans was next. He sat on the edge of the bed to remove his boots and socks. Did it make me bad that I wanted to lick every rippling muscle on his body?

When he crawled over the bed to me, he straddled me and placed his hands on either side of my shoulders. All I could do was concentrate on breathing and remaining still. He leaned close and buried his face in my hair along my neck. Mmm. His lips tickled the skin on my throat, and I tilted my head to allow him better access.

“God, Becca, you are going to be my undoing.” He bit down on my shoulder where my neck joined it and sent shivers racing down my body. Oh God.

My clothes seemed to melt away as his hands made quick work of pulling them off me. Every second seemed to tick by in slow motion when he stopped to gently kiss me. Becoming impatient, I reached for his jeans, but he took both my hands and raised them over my head and held my wrists in one of his large, calloused hands while the other ran reverently along my face, down my neck, over my chest to finally cup a breast where his thumb then rubbed back and forth across my nipple. His fingers trailing over my skin pushed my sanity to the brink. My eyes closed, back arched from the bed, and whimpers slipped from my mouth. His touch ignited a fire under my skin. The heat of his mouth closing around the other nipple left me feeling like I was falling apart.

Jesus Martha, what this man did to me.

“Don’t move your hands.” His voice was a demanding growl by now.

His lips, hands, and tongue trailed down my body until I felt his heated breath against my pussy. The next thing I felt was when he nipped at my clit before going back to my nipples. If one could die from pleasure overload, I might just do that with him. He slid his legs between mine, and the denim from his jeans rubbed against me in a maddening friction as I arched up into his hardness. He groaned against my breast as he pressed into me. In desperation, my legs wrapped around him and pulled him closer, but he rose up, breaking their hold, and shucked off his jeans in record time. The smooth head of his cock slid through my wetness before he slammed into me. Now, I had obviously been with other guys before, but none that made my vision blank to blinding white before a frisson of pure, unadulterated pleasure swept over me.

“Goddamn, baby, you feel so fucking good.” His voice was strained and raspy.

His thickness stretched me, and I felt so full, I swore he was rubbing against every sensitive spot I had. Sex with him was on a whole different level. After just a few strokes, I felt my body tensing for the pending explosion.

Holy shit, oh dear God, Fucking A…. I screamed his name as I felt waves of electricity pulse through me and white light flash around me once again. My pussy clenched against him over and over as he continued to bury himself deep into me. Finally coming back down to Earth, I looked at his handsome face and saw his cocky grin.

“Well, that was fast, baby.” Before I could catch my breath from my shattering climax, he began moving in me once again. Sweat dotted his brow and shined across his chest. He was grunting with each demanding stroke when he suddenly found my clit with his thumb and circled it until I exploded with intense, earth-shattering pleasure, then buried himself to the hilt and roared with his head tilted to the ceiling. The surging pulse I felt as he filled me was like he was marking me as his, and I freaking loved it.

Jesus fucking H. Christ. Every muscle in my body quivered and tensed as I emptied into her wet warmth. When she came apart under me, I could barely contain myself. My breaths came in rapid succession, and I rained kisses across her tits and up her neck. We were both slick with sweat, and she tasted salty-sweet on my lips. Rolling over, I pulled her to me where she snuggled up against my side and tucked her leg over mine. My hand lazily stroked up and down her back, pausing to grab a handful of her firm, rounded ass. This woman was fucking perfect. Perfect looking, perfect feeling, perfect tasting, and perfect for me. There was no way I was letting her go. Call me crazy, but I needed her like the air I breathed. Inside, I warred with the thoughts of tying myself down versus being ecstatic over claiming her as mine. Yeah, I had told her before that she would crave me and become addicted to me, but I was beginning to realize she was my very own drug.

She had a beautiful smile, and I loved her laugh. Those spellbinding green eyes were straight mesmerizing and, whether she was chewing my ass or teasing me, they flashed and sparkled. Shit, listen to me sounding like a fucking poet. No lie, I just loved everything about her. Fuck, I just loved her.

Shit. What the hell?

Jesus.

I loved her.

It was true. I fucking loved this gorgeous woman lying next to me. This was not where I saw this going when I saw her again. In all honesty, I figured I would just be a selfish prick and use her body as long as it was fun for us both, and then we would go our separate ways, like I usually did with the women I was with. Inside, part of me still felt broken and wondered if she would be a balm, or fire, to my somewhat tortured soul. We hadn’t really known each other long, but hell if she hadn’t crept into every pore of my body. Pulling her close to me, I gave her a tight hug and kissed the top of her crazy wild auburn hair. She gave a soft sigh, and her body curled into me further.

Her breathing was soft and even, and I knew she had fallen asleep.

I love her. I really love her. Fuck, now what?

She seemed cool with us just fucking and having a good time. When I said no strings, she said okay without hesitation. What if she never felt the same way about me? God, I was a fucking idiot not to have protected my heart better, but I sure as shit didn’t think it was capable of actually feeling love in such a way for someone other than my family. Not even with Lorie had I felt so connected. No, I told myself, I just needed to convince her that she couldn’t live without me either. My only hesitation was I didn’t know if it was a good idea to be pulling her into the shitstorm we had brewing.

When the brothers arrived at the strip joint tonight, we had kicked the Demon Fuckers out and told them they could keep moving on and not to come back. As they all pulled out on their bikes, one of them shouted they would be back and we wouldn’t like what happened when they returned. Yeah, well we would be waiting for those dumb fucks. They would learn not to fuck with us. Of course, this meant more time away from her as we stepped up on security at all of the businesses and making sure everything was secure at our storage warehouse.

That just meant I would have to enjoy every damn chance I had with her. It made me want to keep her here, but that would only be okay for a little while. We could talk about looking for a place for the two of us tomorrow. Maybe I was rushing things, but I didn’t give a shit. I felt like I had waited my whole life for her, and if there was anything my time in the Army had taught me, it was that life could be short and we needed to grab onto the good shit while we could. She was definitely one of the good things. I closed my eyes and breathed her sweet scent in as I listened to her soft breaths and felt her small puffs of breath against my chest. My last coherent thought was that she was as close to heaven as my tortured soul may ever get.

Kisses feathered across my chest like the flutter of butterfly wings. My cock was pressed into warm softness. When it was suddenly surrounded by wet, tight heat, I woke with a start. My eyes opened to find thick red hair surrounding my face as the greenest eyes stared into mine, and for a moment, I was disoriented and panicky. My knee-jerk reaction was to try to buck her off and push her away from me. Fucking hated it when that shit happened.

“Shhhh, baby, it’s just me.” Her whispered words were like warm honey, and I groaned as I felt her tighten around me then begin to move against me. With a mind of their own, my hands found the smooth skin covering her hips and guided her pace as she rode my cock. Jesus, I could wake up like this every damn day of my life. Fuck.

A rapid pounding on my door, with Hacker’s voice hollering at me to cover my dick and answer the door, interrupted what was close to the quickest orgasm I was about to achieve. It obviously didn’t stop her as I felt her clench around me and throb over and over as she mewled and dug her nails into my shoulders. Hell, yes, I wanted her to mark me. The sharp pain from the bite of her nails was a welcome one.

“Get lost, fucker! Unless the building is on fire or Snow is calling for me, I’ll be out when I’m ready to be out!” I knew the fucktard heard me because I heard him laugh before he beat on the door again. Shit, at this rate, I was never going to finish this morning. Fucking cockblocker.

“Get your dick out of that sweet-as-hell redhead and you two come have breakfast with me.”

“Fuck off, asshole! We’ll be out when we get out. Wait for us.” He was quick on his way to an ass beating.

Becca had the nerve to giggle.

“Oh really? You think this is funny? Mmm, I’ll show you what happens to my woman when she laughs at my interrupted orgasm after she already got hers.” She laughed as I flipped her over until she was under me and on her belly. She quit real quick when I pulled her hips up, pushed her chest to the mattress, and rammed deep into her soaking wet pussy.

Holy Jesus, she felt like a slice of heaven. When I slapped her ass, she squealed, looking over her shoulder at me in shock. The tightening of her sheath around me belied her expression of disapproval. My hand softly circled the red handprint I left on her creamy-white ass cheek, and my lips and tongue ran up and down her back, my teeth nipping and scraping until she was a quavering, whimpering, incoherent mess.

Only when she was finally begging me to fuck her, did I grip her hips tightly and slide almost completely out before slamming into her over and over until I blew my damn load just as her walls tightened and she joined me in my moment of trembling ecstasy.

Yeah, I said trembling—as in my whole body felt like it had earthquake tremors running through it that didn’t quit. Hell, my eyes damn near rolled in my head. We both shouted out our satisfaction and collapsed in a tangle of limbs amongst the wrinkled, scattered sheets.

My beautiful girl turned to me smiling and gasping. Damn, she was amazing. My smile mirrored hers, and I slapped her ass, lighter than before. “Come on, woman. Let’s get in the shower, unless you want to go have breakfast with Hacker smelling like straight sex.” She shot across the room and into the adjoining bathroom faster than I could even roll my ass out of the bed, my laughter hot on her heels.

Sundays were family days. We usually went for a ride, stopped somewhere for dinner, or came back to the clubhouse for a barbecue. If it was winter and too shitty out to ride, we would just barbecue and chill in Reaper and Steph’s big-ass barn. Since the weather was nice, we were going for a ride through Fort Defiance, then through the lakes, down through Spencer, and back on Eighteen, to Four, and back to the clubhouse. It was a peaceful, gorgeous ride.

This would be the first time I had ever brought a woman on a ride, and Hacker had given me shit for it all through breakfast—at times making Becca laugh, and at other times, making her face match her fiery hair. She was fricking cute as hell when she blushed because it snaked down her chest and up to her hairline.

Not that I made a big deal about it to anyone, but I bought her a helmet. Iowa didn’t have a helmet law, but the club was pretty pro-helmet after Stumpy, one of the founding members, hit a deer and died about ten or eleven years ago. That was way before my time, but just knowing he had been a founding member whose life was cut short, it was sobering. Granted, Reaper and I often went without and would get shit for it, but it was not something I even wanted to contemplate with Becca. So… I got her the helmet.

Really, I wasn’t looking for it when I got it. I mean, I had an extra plain black one I was letting her use, but when I had gone to the cycle shop in Spencer to get some parts, I saw it and couldn’t resist. It was totally her. With skulls, roses, and wicked-looking butterflies, it was a little badass, a little froufrou, and a little spunky, just like she was. So, it was sitting on the seat of my bike when we went outside, where everyone was gathering before heading out.

Of course, everyone remembered her from Reaper and Steph’s wedding, and they all smiled and various greetings rang out to “Red,” but they didn’t know she and I had history from then, nor that she was now mine. The only ones who had any idea we were sort of an item were Reaper and Hacker. So, you can imagine the response when the rest of the brothers saw us walk out of the clubhouse together, after Becca insisted on changing from what she had worn to breakfast into a “better outfit for riding.” Personally, I didn’t see the difference, but hell if I was telling her that.

As we walked up to my bike and she saw the helmet, all conversation stopped when she squealed. “Oh my God, Mason, you got me my own helmet!” She swooped it up, looked over the entire thing inside and out, hugged it, and then stood on her tippy toes to kiss me. Fuck, now my face was probably the one as red as her hair.

“Um, yeah. I saw it and thought you would like it. And safety. You know…,” I mumbled, embarrassed at everyone finding out what I had done. Now, if you don’t understand, it’s a pretty big deal to get a girl a helmet. Becca didn’t know that, but everyone else did, which was why there were some pretty shocked faces, a few jaws scraping the ground, and plenty of raised eyebrows.

Shit. I knew I should have given it to her inside.

“I freaking love it, baby!” She ran over to show it to Steph, who made sure to look over Becca’s shoulder at me and give me one of her smartass smirks while Reaper looked at her, Becca, and then me before elbowing Hacker, who hadn’t been paying attention, and busting a gut laughing. My palm flattened on my forehead and slid down my face.

Hacker was quick to walk over and hand me a ration of shit too.

“Hmm, so your girl, Red, got her very own new helmet, huh? Isn’t that sweeeeet? So, is the infamous Hollywood getting—” He let out an exaggerated gasp. “—serious about a girl? Say it ain’t so!”

God, please make it stop. No, of course not. Thanks.

“Fuck off.” Grabbing my helmet from my handlebar, I jerked it down over my head and buckled it. By that time, Becca had bounced back over to me, ear-to-ear grin splitting her face, and she hugged me again. She reverently sat the helmet on the seat while she braided her beautiful, deep-red hair and finished it off with a hair tie she had around her tiny wrist. Once she was done, she popped her helmet on and looked at me expectantly.

Most of the brothers were on their bikes because Snow and Vinny were mounted up. Shaking my head at her infectious smile, I laughed before I could say something stupid to Hacker, making my life even suckier. Climbing on first, I motioned for her to get on. Once everyone was on their bikes, they all started them up and, of course, guys on motorcycles being guys on motorcycles, every one of us revved our motors until all you heard were rumbling, roaring, growling thunder. It was fucking awesome every time I heard it. Not gonna lie.

Becca must have loved it too because she was clapping my back, and I could hear her laughter over all the noise. That sound might just rival the sound of our pipes.

Smoke, as our road captain, signaled and we all pulled out, two by two. We were rolling deep with thirteen members and three prospects in our formation today. It was impressive.

Reaper and I rode next to each other, and the girls were both taking pictures of the surrounding scenery, all the bikes, each other, and whatever the hell else they were taking pics of. Looking in my mirrors to check on her, I caught Becca getting some crazy selfies, and I couldn’t help but to laugh at her. She made me do that a lot.

Laugh…

With her it was laughter from the heart. It wasn’t just me trying to be the life of the party or keeping everyone in a good mood. It wasn’t just on the surface. She made me feel light and buoyant inside.

THE BELL RANG AND my little students followed me out the door single file, followed by my aide, to be picked up by their parents or go to the buses. Surprisingly, I had gotten a job at the local private pre-school and elementary thanks to the amazing reference letter Mr. Strankowski had written for me. It sucked that the teacher I replaced had to quit due to family reasons, but it was a blessing for me.

My children were the brightest little kindergarteners I had ever met, and they had already wormed their way into my heart after only three weeks. It was a trade-off in that I was bummed about not being able to teach just art, but I loved that this school taught year round to ensure continuity of learning and less forgotten skills over the summer break that most schools had. We just had more days off here and there with smaller breaks scheduled in place of an entire summer off.

Usually, it seemed my days ended too quickly with them, but I was excited for it to end today. Hollywood was picking me up because we were going to look for a place for the two of us. We had been staying in his room at the club for the last month, and I had slowly moved more and more of my things into his room.

It was okay, but it was a little weird knowing the other guys who stayed there knew what we were doing after we closed the door at night. It was like sleeping in a guy’s dorm room or something. Not to mention, it was a little weird seeing the nasty-ass skanks that rolled out of some of the guys’ rooms. It also bothered me because it made me wonder how many times it was Hollywood’s room they rolled out of. No, it more than bothered me; it pissed me the hell off. So, when he told me he was thinking of renting a house and asked how I felt about getting a place of our own, I jumped at it, burying any self-doubt that I was rushing into things.

My last little darling was loaded up in their momma’s car, so I went back to my room to gather up my things and change into a pair of jeans. When my phone pinged with a message, I grabbed it as I ran into the small bathroom in my room to change, setting it on the counter and opening the message. Braiding my hair as quickly as I could, I read it.

Sexy-Ass Mason: I’m out front baby

I snickered every time I got a call or text from him and saw how I saved him in my phone. My jeans and boots on, I grabbed my purse, stuffing my phone in it as I rushed out the door.

God, he was gorgeous. When I saw him sitting on his bike, looking at his phone, I had to stop and catch my breath. He hadn’t seen me yet, and I just stood there drinking in the sight of him. His short-cropped hair was getting longer on the top, and the breeze ruffled it, making it messier than usual. My fingers itched to smooth it, and I swore I could actually feel the strands just looking at him.

His eyes lifted to me and a smile spread across his face. There was no doubt it totally mirrored mine.

He did that to me. That beautiful smile of his was contagious, and he spread it to me all the time. Moving quickly, I tucked my purse in the saddle bag and climbed on behind him. My chin rested on his shoulder.

“Hey, sexy. Wanna take a girl for a ride?”

He chuckled and shook his head. “You may want to rephrase that, or I’ll take you for a ride all right.” The deep growl of his voice told me that, while he was teasing me, there was truth to his words as well.

“Sheesh! Is that all you think about, you dirty man?” Teasing him, I rubbed my boobs against his back. When he groaned, I knew he was imagining my nipples pebbling from the contact with him.

“Woman! You’re trying my damn patience. We need to go look at these houses, and if you keep that up, we won’t make it.” Laughter bubbled up from deep in my soul. It felt amazing to feel so free emotionally. I kissed his cheek and settled back to wrap my arms around his waist. Unable to refrain from teasing him further, my hands slipped under his shirt and traced over the ripple of his abs before locking low in front of his hips. “Oh fine, let’s go, gorgeous!”

“Helmet.” His stern command reminded me of my beautiful helmet sitting on the seat of my car. Crap. Hopping off, I grabbed it, locked my car, and shoved the keys in my pocket before jumping back on the bike, helmet in place.

One thing this man could do was ride a motorcycle. We pulled out of the parking lot, and the wind caught my braid, whipping it back as we picked up speed. He drove fast, but with a purpose, and I never feared his ability to safely operate this screaming beast of a bike. Burying the face of my helmet to his back, I could smell his cologne through my open visor, and I breathed it in deep. It was a spicy, woodsy blend that drove me crazy. Mmm. Yeah, I could devour him like a chocolate chip cookie fresh out of the oven. He was a delicious specimen of man, and he was mine.

The first place we were looking at was about a mile out of town in a newer subdivision. The owners were looking to rent it while they were working out of state for a year. As we pulled up, I took in the faux barn doors on the garage and the rustic-looking pillar by the front door. It was a beautiful home. The property management agent was already waiting in the driveway, and he got out of his car as we pulled up in front of the house. Hollywood shook his hand, and they spoke briefly before he was leading us up to the door. If I remembered correctly, he was a prospect’s dad, but hell if I could remember which one.

“I’ll show you around first, and then let you take your time looking around.” He led us through a sunny foyer and into a spacious living room with cathedral ceilings and a set of French doors that opened onto a large deck. The kitchen was to the left with a breakfast bar separating it from the living room. The cabinets were white barn-like doors, with dark granite countertops. It had stainless steel appliances and a breakfast nook overlooking the backyard. The bedrooms were to the right, off the living room, and were separated by a large shared bathroom. The master bedroom was to the left, next to the kitchen. We wandered around the house after our initial tour, checking out the master bedroom and connected master bath. It was nothing super fancy, but it did have separate sinks, a separate little toilet room, a walk-in shower, and a whirlpool tub. The closet was through the bathroom, and I figured it was big enough to hold my clothes. Hmmm, what’s Hollywood gonna do with his? I giggled at the thought.

“What’s so funny?” His arms wove around my middle, and his chin rested on my shoulder. This was probably my favorite place to be… snuggled in his arms. His nose nuzzled my ear, and his tongue curved around the earlobe, suckling my earring gently into his mouth.

How can his tongue flicking my earring back and forth be a turn-on? I don’t have a damn clue, but he sure as hell knows how to make it that way. Damn.

My inner self wanted to strip down naked, rip off his clothes, and jump him right here in someone else’s house with the agent outside. Bad girl! Stop it!

“Mmm, I have no idea. I can’t think when you’re doing that.”

He chuckled in my ear.

All in all, it was a nice house, but I hated the idea of getting settled in somewhere and having to move out in a year, but with our relationship being so new, maybe that was a good start. A lot could change in a year, especially since we agreed to take things one day at a time and see where this went. Damn, that was depressing. For once in my adult life, I could actually see myself happily settling down and having babies with a guy, and he just wanted a fling with potential expiration date.

Shit, this sucked. Maybe I should tell him how I feel. Fear of scaring him away kept my lips sealed. I wanted to savor what we had for as long as I could.

He stepped around me and grabbed my hand. “Let’s go see the next one.”

We thanked the agent as we left and promised to let him know what we decided.

The next house was a no-go. It was poorly laid out and needed a lot of updating, regardless of the big size. In my opinion, the rent was way too high anyway.

The last house was a few miles up the road from Steph and Reaper. When I found out where it was, I was hoping this one would be the one, because I would love to be so close to my friend. There was a prominent For Sale or Rent sign next to the mailbox at the road.

The driveway was a smooth-packed gravel that wound through the trees before opening in front of an older four-square farmhouse with a perfectly matched addition off the right. Someone had done an amazing job with the addition, keeping true to the style and magic of the home. The driveway curved off to the left side of the house where a small garage had been built with a covered walkway to the back porch.

It was painted a soft taupe color with dark brown trim. There were neatly trimmed rose bushes all along the front porch and the side of the garage. We pulled onto the concrete driveway in front of the garage. The agent wasn’t here yet, as we were told to call him as we left the last place. Hell, I couldn’t wait for him to arrive.

Hollywood shut off the bike, and we sat looking around for a minute. It was so peacefully quiet. The sounds of chirping birds filtered with the sunlight through the leaves of the giant oaks, which surrounded the house. A light breeze scented with the honeysuckle blossoms that grew near the backyard fence drifted past me. I hopped off the bike and headed around the path to the front porch.

If my dream house had a picture, this was it. My heart pounded as I walked up the front steps. It was like the house called to me as it wrapped its charm around me like a warm cloak in winter. My hands covered my heart as I turned in a rush toward Hollywood, where he stood on the front lawn.

“Oh my God, Hollywood, I’m in love and I haven’t even seen the inside!”

The look of rapture on her face as she looked around painted a smile on my face I just couldn’t contain. She was so precious, and I knew she had no idea how fucking cute she looked. When she said she was in love, I knew I was right in leaving this one until last. In all truth, I had been looking at this one for a few days, and I was seriously contemplating buying this house, but I needed to know she loved it as much as I did. The other houses were merely decoys, but had she liked them better, I would have conceded to renting one. The visual that planted itself in my mind when I came to look at this house by myself yesterday had her sitting in the living room curled up reading a book. In every room I had walked through, her image and how she would look wandering through our home popped into my head. Yeah, I wanted this to be our home. This was a huge step, and the magnitude of it all didn’t escape me.

She didn’t know I had the key to the place in my pocket. George, DJ’s dad, was the listing agent, and he had secretly given me the key when we looked at the first house. My call to him had totally been for show so Becca didn’t realize I had already looked at this place. The owners had inherited their parents’ home on the family farm, and their children weren’t interested in moving in, as they already had homes they were comfortable in. So, they were looking to rent or sell, but I definitely wanted to buy. My hope was that Becca would fall in love with it, just as I did, and I wanted us to start our forever here. I just had to get her on board with me to make it happen.

When I climbed the steps, my gaze was intent on her. She looked like a giddy high school girl. It made me smile just watching her reaction to the home. When I pulled the key out of my pocket and slipped it in the lock, she looked at me in surprise. I opened the door and motioned for her to go ahead and go in. She gazed at me with a confused and questioning look, but she walked in and gasped.

“Oh my fucking God, Hollywood! Have you seen this?” She spun slowly in circles as she took in the entryway, the staircase off to the right, and the living room to the left. Squealing like a little girl, she rushed into the living room, which had a wide arch connecting it to the dining room. The owners had taken out the wall between the kitchen and dining room and replaced it with a breakfast bar with a pillar at the end. The kitchen was a shining chef’s dream. Stainless steel appliances gleamed from light oak cabinets with a tan-based granite countertop. The owners had put a lot of money into this remodel, but in the end, their family home won out for them. Their loss, I figured.

As I followed her into the kitchen, I knew she was taking in the light sage green walls with an earth-tone tile backsplash over the counters. The windows allowed for an amazing amount of natural light. A door at the back of the kitchen led out to the back porch and the walkway to the garage. There were tall windows in the dining room that spanned the wall facing the backyard, and the wall straight across from the kitchen breakfast bar held the door to the newer addition, where the master bedroom had been built.

When she stepped through the door to the master suite, she gasped and waved her hands around. I followed her in so I could continue to drink in her joy. She rushed through the bedroom where she saw the sitting room, where I secretly hoped to see her nursing our baby in someday. The bathroom was through the sitting room, and I knew she was going to love the sunken oversized tub. Her shriek told me she found it. My smile spread wide at the sight of her jumping up and down clapping her hands. When she spun back to me, her eyes were sparkling and her chest was rising and falling in rapid succession.

“Oh. My gawd, Hollywood! I haven’t even seen the upstairs, and I am in love. Please, please, please say we can rent this gorgeous house and they won’t kick us out because they end up selling it. Holy shit, I love this house!” Her hands were clasped at her chin, and she wound her arms around my neck when I stepped close and rested my hands on her hips.

“What if I told you I wanted to buy it?” My breath held, and I felt as if my heart stuttered waiting for her response.

“Wait. You want to buy it? It must be expensive, baby. Are you sure? I mean, I’m not trying to say you can’t afford it, but well, I guess I don’t know what I’m trying to say. I’ll help with the payments. Unless you don’t want me to. I don’t know if that is forward of me. I’m babbling, aren’t I? I just… Wow. I just… wow.” Her lips pressed firmly to mine, and I grabbed her ass, swinging her around. We broke apart, and we both laughed. Her smile was all I needed. Making her happy would be my number one goal in life, if the reward was that smile.

“Yeah, I’m sure. I looked at it yesterday, after having driven by it several times when George told me it recently went on the market. As soon as I saw it, I knew this was the place. I had been praying you would love it as much as I did. This house… it called to me. Hell if I couldn’t see you in every room, but I wasn’t going to buy it if you hated it for some reason.”

“As if! What the hell is there not to love about this home?” She looked at me in astonishment. My laugh erupted at her expression, and I squeezed her close.

“So, you want me to call George and tell him we want to write up an offer? Speak now or forever hold your peace, baby.”

She pulled away and held me at arm’s length. Her expression was one of comical deep contemplation. “Hmm…. Well, I suppose we could suffer through and live here.” She gave me a smirk before she turned away and raced to look at the upstairs. Her footsteps pounded up the stairs. Her shouts of pleasure reached my ears as I slowly followed her.

The stairs were probably one of my favorite features of this house. They were a dark oak and original to the house. They went up a couple of steps to a small landing where there was a stained glass window with red roses designed in it. Then the stairs rose again to a second landing with a matching stained glass window at the landing, but with pink roses, before it went up the few last stairs to the upper level. There were three bedrooms with a bathroom on the end. All the floors were polished wood, which gleamed in the setting sun. Truth be told, I had imagined filling all of these rooms with our babies, but I didn’t know if she was ready to hear that.

I found her sitting cross-legged in the first bedroom, the waning sunlight shining through the window and glinting off her hair, giving it the appearance of flames. Her arms were wrapped around herself, and her eyes were closed. She looked serene and a little wistful. Settling down next to her, I rested my arm around her, pulling her close so her head rested on my shoulder.

“Hey, baby. What’s wrong? Did you change your mind?” Just the thought had my heart feeling like it dropped to the first story. Please, don’t let her have changed her mind. Fuck, I needed to tell her how I felt. I needed to tell her my hopes and dreams for the two of us. I needed to tell her how I pictured us together in this home. I needed to try to explain the thoughts and feelings that circled around in my head and heart all day every day. There were a lot of things I needed to do. Jesus, it made me feel like a sap.

Reaching around, I rested my hand under her chin and tipped her face toward me. A lone tear slipped from under her closed lashes. Catching it with my fingertips, I feathered a kiss to her lips.

“Baby, talk to me.”

“Oh, Hollywood. It’s just so perfect. I see us here. And it’s breaking my heart. I know we said no strings, but God it will kill me to let you go. I’m so afraid of you having enough of me and cutting me loose. My heart aches and dies a little at the thought. You said we would just enjoy each other and the time we had, and I truly did not enter into this with the intent of falling for you so hard.”

Well, hell.

“Becca, look at me. I wanted to wait to tell you because I was afraid of scaring you away. You are such a strong and independent woman, I didn’t want you to think I was trying to overwhelm you or take away your independence after you just escaped that kind of relationship with Trevor. But, baby, I fucking love you. I know I don’t deserve you after all the shit I’ve done in my life, but you are my everything, and I want it all with you. Maybe I’m foolish, and maybe you aren’t ready to hear all this. I’m not telling you this shit to guilt you into saying it back so—”

I didn’t get any further before she was kissing me madly, wildly, deeply, knocking me flat on my back in the waning sun warming the wood floor. Who knew love could feel so fucking amazing?

WHEN I BROKE AWAY from our kiss, I was breathless. This man, he just got better and better. Part of me was waiting for the other shoe to drop or for the dream to end and I woke up back in Council Bluffs. He was just straight-up too good to be true.

“Jesus, Hollywood, you are nuts, you know. How could I not be insanely in love with you? You have loved me passionately, without words, since the first night we were together. I was foolish for not ensuring Trevor accepted shit was over before I left and foolish for not taking a crazy chance and following you home from Vegas. I wasted so many months that could have been spent with you, and I beat myself up for it. I’ve been tearing myself up afraid you would get tired of me and I would be irrevocably damaged because there could never be another love like this for me. And a love like this? I’m telling you, it only comes around once. Now go call the agent and do what you have to do to make this our home.” My lips brushed lightly over his open mouth. His eyes were wide before he closed them and kissed me with crazy abandon while his hands slipped under my shirt and across the skin of my back.

“Shit, baby, yeah, I need to call George.” He kissed me briefly one last time before he got up and pulled out his phone. I heard him descend the stairs as he spoke on the phone to who I assumed must be the realtor. My arms wrapped around my body again. The room was darkening as the sun continued to slowly set. In my mind’s eye, I was imagining a thick rug here on this floor, scattered with blocks and toys as the sound of children’s voices echoed through the house. My hand rested on my belly as I imagined it swelling with his baby. A slow smile spread across my face. Someday.

My hair was piled on my head to keep it out of my way as I directed the guys on where furniture and boxes went. We didn’t have a lot, but we had bought a bedroom set, and he had a bunch of stuff he had been storing at his parents that they brought over in his dad’s enclosed bike trailer. I couldn’t believe it was only a month ago I first laid eyes on this home. It felt like it had been ours forever.

Hollywood was firing up the grill as the guys filtered out to the backyard after unloading the last box and grabbing beers from the large ice chest. Watching them all laugh and joke, it was hard to miss how close they all were. They were all dressed in jeans, T-shirts, and a leather vest with the same patch on all their backs, except for a few that had “PROSPECT” in the center instead of the patch with Hades, fresh from battle, surrounded by flame and holding a medieval double-bladed ax in one hand and captured flame in the other. It was a little gruesome but totally badass.

“They are like a bunch of young boys sometimes, aren’t they?” I heard from behind me. Turning, I saw Hollywood’s mother standing there, watching them as well. She was a beautiful woman for her age. You could tell she was a lot younger than his dad, but they were such a great couple. She had a spark to her, and I sensed a kindred spirit as soon as I met her this morning. Her long hair was pulled back into a braid with escaping tendrils and had very few gray strands mingling with the dark blonde. It was obvious where Hollywood had gotten his dark blond locks.

“I’m so glad he has all the boys. Even though his dad was worried about him joining up with them, it has done him good. Between that and worrying about him when he first came home, every gray hair I have was earned. God, he had terrible nightmares back then. He took so many pills and drank like a fish. We were terrified he was going to kill himself or someone else riding his bike drunk as a skunk.” She paused and looked me in the eye. “Maybe I shouldn’t be telling you all of this, but I wanted you to understand how much the club has pulled him together, how important it is to him. And now that he has you in his life, he just seems… complete. I knew something was different about him, and when he finally told us about you, after he decided to buy this house, I knew. Mason loves you. Any fool can see it, but a mother knows her son. Take care with his heart, Becca. He acts happy-go-lucky, but he does everything deeply.”

I sniffled back my tears and hugged her tightly. “I love him too, Jenny. With all my heart.”

When I looked up, I met his eyes. He smiled, raised his beer to me, and lifted it to those sinful lips. My tongue ran across my bottom lip at the thought of tasting his. Yeah, I totally and undeniably loved that gorgeous, tattooed, scarred man. His past demons may haunt him at times, but I would do my best to show him I was here for him.

“Oh my God, Becca. I still cannot believe he bought you this house.” Steph came in with little Wyatt in his Baby Bjorn carrier. His chubby little legs wiggled against her belly, and his fist was in his mouth as his dark, downy head rested on her chest. Remi was outside, sitting on her daddy’s shoulders, and I could hear her squeal and giggle every time he acted like he was going to drop her.

“He didn’t actually buy the house for me, Steph. He loved the house too. It’s not like we’re married, so it is technically his house.” My face was flaming red, and I knew it. Damn, it felt on fire. Both women snorted in a very unladylike manner at my response.

“Yeah, okay, beeotch. You are crazy if you don’t think he had you in mind when he went to look at this house and when he made the offer to buy it. He is crazy for you, and I cannot wait to have you two fill this house with babies.” Shit, there went my face again.

Oh. My. God. Steph, I am going to kill you.

“Steph!” My eyes flashed to Jenny in embarrassment. After all, this was her son we were talking about. Jenny laughed so hard she had tears leaking from the corners of her eyes. My mortification was complete. God, help me.

“Sweetheart, I would love to have me some grandbabies to spoil. But I’m not rushing you two. I’m going to head out there to bother my old goat of a husband.” She kissed my cheek and whispered in my ear, “I’m so glad he found you, young lady. Just be patient with him. He’ll have ups and downs, but he deserves to be happy. He deserves you. Thank you.” Her hand rested on my cheek for a second before she wandered out back and down into the yard to wrap her arms around her burly husband. I watched as he kissed the top of her head in affection, before I turned back to Steph in frustration.

“Jesus, Steph, you ho! We haven’t really talked about having any kids yet. I cannot believe you said that in front of his mom. Fucking A, girl. We have only been together for a few months, and we aren’t even engaged, for Christ’s sake. Ugh!” My eyes rolled at my best friend, who could be a serious pain in my ass at times. It used to be me who was the bossy, crazy one. It seemed my girl had come out of her shell thanks to that sexy-ass biker of hers. She just laughed at me before hooking her arm through mine and leading me out the door and to the backyard to join everyone.

Mason held his arms out as he shouted, “Baby! Get your sexy ass over here and give your old man some much needed loving!” Everyone was laughing as I planted a big smooch on his smiling lips, unconcerned with our audience observing our actions. Yeah, this was my man. Come hell or high water, I planned to make this last. There was no way I could see myself without him now. How quickly he had wormed his sexy way into not just my body, but my heart and soul…

BECCA AND I HAD only been moved in for over three weeks and were still getting settled in the house, but I had been on babysitting duty for the past week at the Shamrock. Fuck, I would rather have been home looking at my woman’s tits instead of the ones that were flashing from the stage. I mean, don’t get me wrong… I was a guy… I liked tits. What red-blooded man, didn’t? But there was something about my own woman’s that made others pale in comparison. And the cigarette smoke clinging to my hair and clothes every time I left here made my lip curl in disgust. I had to shower as soon as I got home each night, because I wasn’t crawling in bed with my beautiful woman, tainted with the smell of a fucking titty bar.

The Demon Runners MC had been harassing the girls as they left the club at night, so we were taking turns standing guard there. Tonight, it was me and DJ. So far, none of them had shown up, and that dickhead manager, Arnie, kept giving us dirty looks. Motherfucker was forgetting who signed his paychecks.

As the club closed up, DJ and I went outside to our bikes. We planned to sit out here until all the girls left safe and the club was locked up tight. A sickeningly heavy cloud of perfume descended on me, and I saw Cherry closing in on me. Fuck. What the hell did she want?

She leaned over my shoulder and rubbed her tits on my arm when she got close.

Really?

“Back the fuck up, Cherry. What the hell do you want?” My patience with her and her shit was slim. She pouted, and her garishly bright red lips looked distorted and nasty, though I was sure she thought she was being sexy. What the fuck did I ever see in that? Clouded by easy pussy and trying to get over Becca was what I had been doing. Man, I had been an idiot. You didn’t get over someone like Becca.

Cherry ran her nails along my abs and up my chest before she slipped a hand around the back of my neck. My arm instinctively flung her hand off me.

“Aww, baby, don’t be like that. I just need a ride. Sparkle was supposed to give me a ride home, but she got cut early.” Fuck, I didn’t want to give this bitch a ride anywhere, but I couldn’t leave her there unattended, not with those assholes fucking with the girls.

“I’ll call you a cab.” I pulled out my phone to dial the cab company, but she placed her hand over mine, stopping my call. She leaned close to my ear, letting her lips trail across my neck.

“I don’t want you to spend a bunch of money on a cab, baby. You know I live down in Spencer with my sister right now. That would be one hell of a cab fare. I’d rather just pay you for the gas in your bike.” She batted her fake eyelashes at me and I rolled my eyes. I actually had no idea where she lived.

“DJ! Give Cherry a ride home.” He grinned as he nodded. There, let him sink his cock in her nasty ass. He was young and not too particular. Just hoped he used a goddamn condom. He told her to climb on. Cherry was pissed, but she hiked herself on the back of his bike and made sure her short, tight skirt rode up to expose her garters and half of her ass. Whatever. They pulled out as the last girl drove off and Arnie set the security code and locked the door.

Fuck, I was tired, and I couldn’t wait to get home to my baby. My bike started up with a deep rumble, and I rolled out of the parking lot toward home. Shit, that sounded good. Home. I smiled all the way home as Linkin Park blared from my speakers and the wind whipped past me.

When I pulled up to the house, the lights were still on in the bedroom. I took the porch steps two at a time and let myself in. Walking with a purpose straight to the bedroom, I was met at the door by gorgeous green eyes, deep auburn curls, and a sexy smirk topped by a silky green barely there nightie.

“Hey, baby…” Her voice was sexy as hell, and it curled right around my heart.

Fuck me.

My hands grabbed her waist and pulled her close. My nose buried in her hair, and I nuzzled her neck. God, this girl always smelled amazing, and my cock jumped at the mere scent and proximity of her, but I felt her stiffen in my arms before she pulled back.

“What the fuck? You smell like cheap perfume, Mason.” Her eyes narrowed and she pushed away from me. “And that lipstick on your neck is certainly not my shade, asshole! Are you fucking kidding me? I cannot believe this shit!” She stormed off and slammed the bathroom door, while I stop there feeling like I had just been spit out by a tornado.

What the fuck just happened here?

I stormed to the bathroom door and grabbed the knob.

Oh, hell no! She did not fucking lock me out! My fists pounded on the door. “Becca! Goddammit, open the fucking door! Now!”

“Screw you!” Her muffled reply through the door only pissed me off more. I hadn’t even done anything, and here she was proclaiming me guilty without even letting me explain myself. Closing my eyes and taking a deep breath in an attempt to calm myself, I switched tactics.

“Baby, please open the door. Nothing happened. I promise.” Maybe this would work. My mother always said you catch more flies with honey than vinegar. Shit, I always thought that was a dumb expression. My head rested on the door. It cut me deep that she would assume I could ever even consider messing around on her, but I really didn’t want to fight with her. Women and their jumping to conclusions—one reason why I had avoided relationships. If I admitted the truth, I was hurt, more than mad, that she could have that little faith and trust in me.

“Becca, baby. Please. Talk to me.”

The door flew open, and I was thrown off balance from the sudden motion and felt like I would fall on my face.

Finally.

Well, maybe… She still looked pissed as hell.

“Okay. Then tell me where you were.” Her eyebrow raised in question and her arms crossed over her chest, pushing her tits up. My eyes almost popped out of my head, and I had to tear my gaze back to her face. Holy shit, what was it about tits that suck a man’s intelligence right the hell out of his head? My head shook to clear my thoughts. Focus.

“Baby, you know I can’t tell you club business. You just have to trust me when I tell you there is nothing for you to worry about. It’s not what you think. I didn’t do anything.” As pissed as she was, I knew this was not the time to tell her I had been running security at the Shamrock. Shit, I thought steam literally came out of her ears. Oh hell. As the door began to slam in my face, my foot shot out to stop it.

“Go away. You have been gone almost every night this week. Every time I ask you where you were, I get ‘club business.’ Yeah, well, fuck ‘club business’ because I have had enough of ‘club business.’ Leave me the hell alone.” When I reached for her face to cup her cheek, she jerked away, preventing contact. My hand fell useless to my side.

“Baby, I’m sorry, but have a little faith in me. Shit.” My eyes plead with her to understand, but she wouldn’t even look at me.

Damn. Without conscious thought, my fist made contact with the wall. Her body jumped slightly at the sound. Motherfucker! She damn well knew we had some shit going on at the club. I had told her there would be times I may not be able to tell her details of what we were doing. What the hell had crawled up her ass that made tonight any different that she suddenly now had to know where I was.

Dammit!

Fine, I wasn’t going to keep fucking begging. Damn stubborn woman. My footsteps resounded through the house as I took the stairs two at a time to go to the bathroom upstairs to shower.

Yeah, so I was throwing a bit of a fit as I slammed the door. Fucking sue me. The shower curtain nearly suffered for my mood as I ripped it to the side to start the water. Before the mirror steamed up, I looked at my reflection, seeing the bright red lipstick smeared on my neck. Well, damn. No wonder Becca was a mad motherfucker at me. Cherry sure as shit knew what she was doing, and I was going to have her ass for this. My clothes reeked, and I dropped them to the floor as I peeled them off. When the water was hot, I stepped under it, closed the shower curtain, and dropped my head to let the water pour over me to wash the stress and stink from my skin.

Didn’t she know I loved her and I couldn’t even think of being with another woman? She had me tied in knots and flapping in the wind for her. I said it to her once, and I meant it—she was my everything. The thought of her being with someone else… ever… eviscerated me. If she knew the power she had over me….

Maybe I needed to go down to try to talk to her again.

Ah fuck. Never mind. Now was not the time. Not with both of our tempers flaring.

After I dried off, I wrapped the towel around my hips and padded down the hallway runner to the one room we had set up as a guest bedroom. Crawling in between the cold sheets was not how I imagined my night ending. Fuck, I was hoping to crawl between her warm thighs, but that went to shit. My mind wandered as I stared at the moonlit shadows waving across the ceiling. By morning, I didn’t remember falling asleep, but I clearly remembered the nightmares that tortured my mind.

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN you need to go to the store? I thought we were hanging out here working on decorating your beautiful house? I’m not dressed to be running all over town, you little skank,” Steph stood with her hands on her hips. “I look like straight doo-doo.”

“Yeah, well, I need to know something for sure. I planned out my whole night, starting with a slow seduction and then on to telling Hollywood my suspicions, but instead, the asshole came home smelling like skanky slut and had cheap-ass-looking red lipstick smeared all across his neck. I wasn’t telling him shit after that.” My temper was still volatile after last night, especially picturing the garish red lipstick smeared on his neck. The rational side of me said there had to be a good explanation for his condition when he returned home, but right now I didn’t want to hear it. Lately, I had been taken over by this crazy, irrational bitch.

“Becca…” Steph grabbed my arm, spinning me back to face her as I was getting ready to slip my feet in my flip-flops. It was a sunny day and promising to be another hot early August day. In deference to the weather, I had pulled on a pair of white cutoff shorts and a red tank top. Good Lord, I could tell I hadn’t been to the gym in a while because they were a little snugger than the last time I squeezed my ass into them. Of course, that could be… But damn, it was too soon to be getting fat, right?

“Becca! What the ever-living hell? Are you telling me you think you’re pregnant?” Steph’s eyes were like big, round, blue saucers. When her huge grin broke out, she started to shriek and squeal as she jumped up and down, her thick blonde ponytail swinging around as she jumped.

“Oh my gawd! I don’t care if I’m naked, we’re going to the drugstore right the hell now.” She grabbed my hand, and I barely had time to grab my purse from the bench inside the front door and swing the door shut before she was dragging me over to her beautiful new SUV Reaper had bought her. Lucky bitch. He said she needed “something more reliable to haul his babies around in,” when he surprised her with it last weekend. It was a week old and still smelled brand new.

“You are a lucky bitch, Steph,” I told her as I ran my hands along the supple leather seats after buckling myself in. Her answering grin told me she was digging it too.

“Thanks. Much nicer than my old one, right? But don’t go trying to change the subject, bitch monkey. When did you start feeling sick? How far do you think you are? Does Hollywood have any clue at all? Have you talked about kids yet? Whoa, this is almost like déjà vu…” Her questions shot out a hundred miles a minute. My head felt like it was swimming. Damn crazy girl. And bitch monkey? That was a new one. Totally filing it away for later use on her.

“Well, that’s just it… I haven’t felt sick at all. It just dawned on me yesterday that I couldn’t remember when my last period was. I missed a few pills during the move up here and then again when we were staying at the clubhouse, but I had gotten my period and didn’t think anything of it. But that was like the third week I was here, and I don’t think I’ve had one since. I’ve just been so busy that I haven’t paid attention. God, I’m such a scatterbrain lately. And talk about bitchy? Hell, I’ve been irritable and moody. So, I don’t know… two maybe three months?” My hair was pissing me off even as I spoke. In resignation, I pulled it up on my head, grabbing the hairband from around my wrist, twisting it around my hair, and pulling the ponytail halfway through.

The fields slipping by as we drove were a blur. If Mason was fucking around on me, how was I going to stay with him? How could I have a baby with him? The mere thought of having an abortion made me feel sick and was completely out of the question. Before, I had been a loudmouth pro-choice advocate, but now that it might be me, it was a totally different story. There was no reason I could think of that justified ending a baby’s life.

Looking down, I realized I had unconsciously covered my belly in a protective gesture. Tears welled in my eyes, but I blinked them away before they could fall. Hurt and suspicion were circling in my head, making me dizzy. I hated that it was even there to begin with. It was like my perfect world was falling apart around me, just as I feared.

The trip into the corner drug store in town was a quick one. Steph ran in for me when I told her I couldn’t do it. The fear of breaking down in sloppy, snotty tears in the middle of the aisle, or at the register, had me recoiling in terror of stepping foot in there to get the tests. Instead, I shoved some cash in her hand and told her to just go get me some. She hopped back in the SUV and shoved a paper bag at me. When I looked in the bag, I cracked up laughing. “Really, Steph? There must be ten freakin’ tests in here!”

She was still laughing as she pulled up in front of my house… oh my God, my house. Tears burst forth like a leaking dam. My words were garbled as Steph pulled me out of the SUV and back into the house. Down the hall and into my beautiful bathroom, we raced, until she stopped and pointed at the toilet.

“Go pee, girl! Now!” My face must have resembled a goldfish out of water, with my mouth flapping open and closed and my eyes bugging out of my head. Words were trapped in my tight, burning throat. I sure as hell wasn’t pissing on a stick in front of my friend, no matter how close we were.

“Now?” I squeaked.

“Hell yeah now, girl! Now. Go. Pee!”

Shit. My paper bag and I entered the little toilet room, and I closed the door behind me. It took a few minutes of staring at the bag before I could start moving…

Fifteen minutes later, we sat there looking at the five tests laid out on the counter. Yes, it actually took five little plus signs and double lines to make me believe it wasn’t a mistake.

“Damn, this really is déjà vu.” We looked at each other and burst out laughing, but it wasn’t long before I was crying again and Steph was holding me and stroking my back in an effort to comfort her hormonally crazy friend. Man, I love this girl. We’d been through some shit, for sure.

“Becca, baby girl, you need to tell him. This is his baby too. Talk to him. Figure this shit out, but whatever you do, don’t wait. That never helps. Trust me.” Her soft hands cradled my face as she tucked my stray hairs behind my ears and leaned over to kiss my cheek. I felt like I was going to cry again. Damn. Come on, God, please help a girl out.

I prayed my entire pregnancy wouldn’t be such an emotional roller coaster. Sighing, I hugged my best friend tight and promised I would talk to Mason as soon as he got home from work.

BECCA HAD BEEN SLEEPING when I left this morning, and I’d been hesitant to wake her. My mood was shit when I awoke due to the nightmares plaguing me through the night. It wasn’t often I had them anymore, but every so often they snuck in and wreaked havoc on my mind as I slept. The coffee I poured nonstop down my throat did little to wake me, and I had felt sluggish all day.

Now, as I walked into the beautiful home Becca and I shared, I was hit by the wafting aroma of roast, potatoes, and carrots—one of my favorites and my baby knew it. Hopefully, this meant she had forgiven my ass and we could move on.

It tore me up that I had to keep her in the dark about stuff with the club, but the less the old ladies knew, the better for them, and in turn, us. It was best to never give our enemies anything they could use against us, especially family. Like I said before, we were mostly legit, but we skated the edge a little.

She was going to be pissed when she found out I had to leave again tonight. It wasn’t supposed to be my turn so soon, but Gunner was puking his guts up with the flu and everyone else was tasked out for tonight. So, it was me and Reaper. Hopefully, we could talk a little over dinner and I could get her to understand why I couldn’t tell her everything.

She was pulling the roast out of the oven as I entered the kitchen, giving me an amazing view of her ass in her tight little white shorts.

Shit, she does it to me every time.

Adjusting my dick, I took a deep breath, trying to get control of the traitorous bastard. Fuck it. Silently, I crept up behind her as she set the pan on the trivets and shucked the hot pads on the counter. My hands slipped around her waist and my nose nuzzled her neck.

“Hey, baby. Have I told you today how much I love you?” She laughed softly at my question and covered my joined hands with hers.

“No, Mason darling, because you left before I woke up.” She had been calling me Mason since we moved in together, and I really loved the sound of my name on her lips. Her head turned to the side and those lips of hers sought mine. Never thought I would love coming home to the same woman, but hell if it didn’t feel like everything was right with the world when I did. Our kiss was fleeting, but the love poured from one of us to the other and back in that brief moment. God, I was afraid she might tell me to fuck off for good after last night, and it had me wanting to tie her to the bed so she could never fucking leave me. She had been pissed, and I knew I was asking for it again tonight. No matter how small the disagreement was, I hated arguing with her.

“Dinner is ready if you want to eat.” The shower could wait, because I wanted to enjoy this happy moment with her as long as I could before I pissed her off again. Her sensuous body turned until we were chest to chest. Slipping my hands down to her ass, I slapped it as I lifted, encouraging her to jump up in my arms.

Her legs wrapped around me as I buried my face in her neck. God, I needed her right fucking now. As I started walking toward the bedroom, it dawned on her what I was doing.

“Mason, I told you dinner is done. It’s going to get cold. What the heck are you doing?” I kept walking until I tossed her on the bed. “Mason!” she squeaked out and tried like hell to crawl off the bed.

Nope. I grabbed her ankles and slid her back toward me as I climbed up on the bed to straddle her, trapping her legs between mine and threading my fingers through the hair on the back of her head. My mouth lowered to her protesting one, and I took unfair advantage of it being open to slip my tongue in. Her protests abruptly ended as her arms circled my sides to dig her fingers into my back.

Using one arm to hold myself up, I unzipped her already unbuttoned shorts. Quicker than she could even start to comprehend, my hand slipped down the front and under her silky panties. Circling her clit briefly, my middle finger slipped down, in and out of her already sopping wet core. When she moaned in encouragement, I entered her wet warmth with first one finger, then two, pushing deep into her pussy and curling. She answered by rubbing up into the heel of my hand.

She was getting more and more erratic with her movements, and I knew she was close. Pulling away from her, I licked my fingers as I stared into her heavy-lidded gaze and heaving chest. God, she was sweet.

“Mason…,” she whispered, heavy with need. My pants were shucked in record time as she quickly shoved her shorts down and off, and I knelt above her, dick in hand, stroking slowly before guiding it to her slick folds. In a savage thrust, I buried myself in her until we were one and the same. With each plunge of my cock, she mewled and lifted to meet me to rub her clit against me.

My hand slipped up her shirt and under her bra, carelessly shoving it out of the way. As I tweaked her nipple, my lips and tongue trailed along her shoulder and neck. There was no gentleness in me. There was no room for it. This woman, she made me desperate. Aching. Possessive. Pulling her skin into my mouth, I couldn’t help but mark her as mine.

Each stroke into her velvet core was heaven. Her hands grasped at my shirt in desperation, and I knew she was as close as I was. Lifting one leg up and curving it over my arm, I leveraged myself up to change the angle of my entry. With each animalistic thrust, I would grind against her clit. She was going to come before me, or I would die trying. Her breaths were whimpers as her eyes pleaded with me for release. My speed increased, and it was all I could do to hold off my own climax.

“Fuck, baby. Come. Come on my fucking cock. Jesus, I’m almost there. You feel so goddamned good. Come with me, right fucking now!” At my filthy words, I felt her slippery wet channel tighten and spasm around my cock, and I was done. The pleasure knotted in my spine, shooting up my body and through my cock. With a final, deep push, I roared out in absolute rapture.

Her unbelievably tight pussy was damn near strangling my dick, and the sensation became too much. With a lingering kiss, I slid out, feeling our combined fluids slip out with me. Whimpers were her response to her sudden emptiness. My semi-erect cock rested on her as I kissed her again.

“Don’t deny it, baby, you love it when I talk dirty to you.”

“Shit. I wouldn’t even try. Guess you wanted dessert first, huh?” she teased in a breathless voice. I smiled, laughed, and got up to walk to the bathroom.

“Let me just wash up really quick, and I’ll be ready to eat, baby. Unless you want to skip dinner and go for round two?”

She laughed and threw her pillow at me, hitting me in the face. “I worked hard on dinner for you!”

Chuckling, I went to the bathroom, wet a washcloth for her, tossing it to where she still lounged, boneless on the bed. A shriek escaped her as the wet rag landed on her belly.

“Oh my God, Mason! You’re going to pay for that!”

“I’m sure, and I can’t wait.” I laughed out. Her answering smirk was met by my own before I returned to the bathroom.

Lathering up my hands and arms, I rinsed the soap off in the sink and dried them with the towel hanging by the sink. Damn, I really was ready to skip dinner and drag her ass back to bed for another round.

When I sat at the table, she had already dished my plate and was setting it in front of me.

The first bite was a heavenly taste explosion, and I couldn’t hold in my moan. Damn, this was incredible. She sat watching me with her plump lip held tightly in her teeth. That’s when I noticed she hadn’t eaten a bite, but held a piece of the meat poised in midair as she watched me for my reaction.

“Holy shit, babe, this is amazing! You absolutely outdid yourself with this meal.” Her face flushed in obvious pleasure.

“Well, I have a confession… it’s one of Steph’s recipes. She brought it over today when I told her I was going to attempt this for you tonight.”

“Damn, it’s good. And, baby, I’m sorry about not waking you this morning, but I wanted you to be able to sleep in. How was your girl time today? Reaper said the kiddos were at Steph’s parents’ house for the weekend. What all did you girls do?” My mouth was dying for me to keep feeding it, so I wasn’t about to disappoint, and I shoveled the delicious food in like a starving man. The manners my mom taught me flew right out the damn window. When she didn’t answer, I looked up and thought she looked a little pale. She was just pushing her food around her plate.

“Umm, not much. We just talked and hung a few pictures. Ran to the store real quick. Nothing much.” My girl seemed off somehow. She was usually gutsy and bold, not this hesitant, quiet thing sitting across from me.

“Everything okay? You seem…. not like my usual feisty girl. You girls have a falling out?” Not that I could see that for a minute, but I was confused at the behavior this gorgeous woman of mine was showing me. It just seemed, well, not her. I was stumped. Shit, I hope she wasn’t still pissed at me. She didn’t seem like it, but who knew with women?

“No, everything was fine. I guess maybe I just slept like shit without you last night. I don’t want to do that again, Mason.” Her words were nearly a whisper at the end. She was still pushing her food around and looking down at it absently.

“Okay, baby. That is not a problem, because I slept like shit without you too.” I sat my silverware down so I could take her hand. My other hand tipped her chin to bring her face to mine. “Look at me, beautiful. When you are in my bed with me, you hold the nightmares at bay. I hadn’t had a single one since we started sleeping together, but last night it was… I don’t know… like the dreams knew I was alone, like they preyed on me in my weakest moment.” My free hand then ran through my hair and I closed my eyes, grasping my hair in my hand in an attempt to keep the memories of the dream from stealing into my head even now, while I was awake.

It was the God’s honest truth too about the dreams preying on me. They slipped in, stalking me when I was vulnerable. Then they ravaged my mind and body as I lay trapped in sleep. At least that was how it seemed, and I fucking hated it. That was something I tried to keep people from knowing. Being vulnerable, having a weakness… no one needed to know that shit.

She pulled my hand up to her mouth to press her lips to my fingers before letting me go, insisting I finish eating before the meal was cold. After I was done, I helped her clear the table and do up the dishes. What I was not ashamed to admit was I could have eaten three more helpings, but I knew I would regret that later when I was only good for sleeping. She melted in my arms when I held them open, and I kissed her before I smacked her playfully on the ass and told her I was getting in the shower to wash off the smell of sex and grease from the shop. Despite my invite to join me, she laughed, saying, “Babe, I need to start a load of laundry and put the leftovers away. Besides, you have already distracted me enough. You need to behave.”

“Never. And you know you love it.” Her laughter trickled over my body as I headed back to the bathroom.

My shower was quick because I needed to get my ass in gear if I wanted to have time to talk to her again before I cut out. Damn, I felt like a little chickenshit pussy, dreading telling her I was leaving again—and I still wouldn’t be able to tell her where I was going. After getting dressed in jeans and a T-shirt, I ran my fingers through my damp hair and called it good. Time to face the dragon. Beautiful though she may be, she was soon to be spitting fire.

She was sitting on the couch reading a book when I came downstairs. Damn if she didn’t look exactly as I pictured her when I first looked at this house. For a moment, I just stood there silently drinking her in. My heart gave a lurch at the beautiful sight she made. As if she sensed me in the doorway, her eyes raised to mind and a small smile curved her lips.

With a sigh, I sat down next to her and pulled her into my lap. She wrapped her arms around me, rubbing the tip of her nose against mine.

“Mmm, you smell good. Wanna run up to the Redbox and grab a movie?” she murmured as she kissed the corner of my mouth.

Well hell, here’s where shit goes bad.

“Yeah so, about that. I need to run out again. This is the last night this week though, baby, I promise. I wasn’t supposed to be tasked tonight, but Gunner is sick as shit. Trust me, if I could stay here, cuddled up with you, I would.” Her brow furrowed, and I felt her body tense in my arms.

“Then take me with you.” Her chin raised and her gaze bore into me, waiting for my reply.

Fuck.

“Baby, I can’t.” My head fell back to the couch, and I closed my eyes.

“You can’t or you won’t? What are you doing while you’re gone?” Yeah, this was gonna end as badly as I feared. My lips pressed together in frustration.

“I can’t.” Sitting up, I looked her in the eyes, silently begging her to let this drop.

“Oh, let me guess, ‘club business,’” she said, laced with sarcasm.

“Look, Becca, I told you when we moved in that there were going to be a lot of nights where I was going to be gone.” I wished she could just understand I wasn’t going out to fucking party. Shit.

“Then at least tell me where you’re going.” Her expression grew darker. Not a good sign. My head tipped back, and I released a frustrated groan. Dammit!

“Baby, I can’t,” agonized out of me to the ceiling with my eyes closed. She was making this so fucking hard on me, but club business was club business, and there was no way I would betray my brothers or my club, no matter how much I loved her. Besides, if I told her I was at a fucking titty bar all week, I was pretty sure she would totally lose her shit on me. They may find my body in a shallow grave.

“Whatever. Fine. I guess I’ll see you when you get home then.” She jumped off the couch and stomped into the bedroom, slamming the door, much as I did last night. My hands scrubbed over my face in defeat. When my phone vibrated in my pocket, I pulled it out, swiping to answer.

“Yeah.”

“Don’t sound so happy to hear from me there, sexy. You ready to be my date tonight?” Reaper chuckled at what he obviously thought was his divine humor. Fucker.

“Man, screw you. Yeah, I’ll meet you at your place in fifteen.” At least tonight I was with Reaper. Even though I wasn’t in the mood for filling in for Gunny, he and I had been a team longer than any of us brothers, so it was a little like old times. We just understood each other and easily anticipated each other’s thoughts and moves.

With a heavy feeling of dread, I headed out after hollering through the locked bedroom door that I loved her. Her answer was a mumbled, “Yeah, right. Well, I love you too.”

Great. Well, I’m picking that damn lock if it’s still locked when I get home tonight.

FUCK THAT MOTHERFUCKER IF he thought I was sitting home like the nice dutiful little woman. What he didn’t know was I was changing in the locked bedroom. Because I was going to get to the bottom of this shit. He wasn’t going to just go out every night, coming home covered in cheap perfume and cheaper lipstick. Hell no. I was going to find out where the hell he was spending his nights.

When he hollered through the door to tell me he was leaving and he loved me, I was still pissed, but I couldn’t let him leave without telling him I loved him. It hurt my heart to fight with him. Like my chest literally ached. This was not how I planned on shit going tonight. Telling him I was pregnant was hard enough as it was. I sure as shit wasn’t going to blurt it out in the middle of an argument.

The sound of the front door closing spurred me into action. I grabbed my boots, pulling them on as I worked my way to the door, hopping on one leg at a time. My purse was swooped up, and I grabbed my keys off the hooks by the door. Shutting off the lights to my car so he wouldn’t notice me pull out behind him, I watched his bike turn out of the end of the driveway toward town. Slowly easing out onto the road, I kept a close eye on his taillights in the distance. Waiting until he disappeared over a hill in the road, I turned my headlights on. Hopefully, he would just think I was a vehicle that had come off one of the side roads.

It was easy to keep myself at a safe distance with the speed he was traveling. As we neared Reaper and Steph’s, I saw another bike pull out as he hit his brakes and they took off together.

Hmmm, so Reaper is going with him tonight. That got me wondering if Steph knew where they were going.

The ringing of her phone echoed over my car speakers as I waited for her to answer.

Come on, girl, answer.

“Wassup, you sexy beeotch?” Despite my mood, I couldn’t help but smile at my best friend’s peppy-sounding voice.

“Nada, my little ho. Hey, where is your man running off to with mine?” It was a struggle to sound nonchalant. “I’m wondering if I should be jealous of their bromance.” She laughed and I knew I had fooled her in regards to my mood. Good.

“Hell, chica, I don’t know. It’s all that-”

“Let me guess, ‘club business,’ right?” Keeping the snide tone from my voice was impossible this time. She must have picked up on it because her tone sobered.

“Hey. Girl, it’s okay. I promise they aren’t doing anything they shouldn’t. I trust Reaper. Explicitly. Just keep faith in your man, sweetie.” Easy for her to say. She wasn’t the one whose man was coming home smelling and looking like a hooker had climbed him. “Did you tell him before he left?”

“Ugh! No! I didn’t get a chance,” I growled in frustration. “Anyway, I gotta run, hoochy. I’ll call you tomorrow. Love you.”

“Love you too, beeotch.” In frustration, I disconnected the call on my car dash. The bikes’ headlights were probably a good mile ahead of me, but I could still see them. We were heading toward Spirit Lake and I recognized the glow of the lights of town in the distance. When we pulled into town, they had to slow down, and I started to catch up to them so I had to drop back, barely keeping them in my sight with traffic. The Lakes got busy in the summer with all the tourists who flooded in.

When they turned into a lot with a building trimmed in green lights, I read the sign. The Emerald Shamrock. Flashing in neon was a busty woman with green shamrocks covering her nipples.

What. The. Ever-loving. Fuck?

You have got to be shitting me, I thought as I pulled into the gas station across the road and parked along the side of the building, trying to figure out what to do next. They walked in together, and I saw Reaper laugh at something Mason said.

My temper was boiling. I was ready to punch him right between his gorgeous light hazel eyes. That bastard. And Reaper was with him! Wait until Steph found out where our loving men had hightailed it, under the guise of “club fucking business.”

Assholes.

How long I sat there stewing and trying to think clearly and form a plan, I had no frickin’clue. Finally, my temper won out and I backed out of my parking spot and waited for an opening in traffic to pull into the packed parking lot across the road. Popular place, I thought snidely. The lot was so flipping full, I ended up having to park toward the back. Of course, they were able to park their bikes right up front. Dicks.

After walking around the building, I walked up to the front door and pulled it open, taking a deep, fortifying breath. God, the place was dim and smoky. The bouncer by the door looked at my ID then to my face. Jesus, I wasn’t trying to sneak in with a fake ID. His expression became thoughtful before he nodded his head that I could go in. Sheesh. Man of few words, much?

There was a stage situated against the back wall, with a longer section jutting out into the crowd like a runway, lit with green lights around the edge. The bar spanned the entire right side of the club with two burly-looking bartenders manning the bar that was lined up with customers. There were two women dressed in short—and I mean short! Like ass-cheeks-hanging-out short—black shorts and bright green tank tops that were damn near painted on they were so tight. Those, I assumed, were the waitresses. Of course, there were darker green shamrocks printed over their boobs at nipple location. My eyes rolled at the obvious lack of bras on either of them. As perky as those things were, they were fake for sure.

Yeah, I was feeling extra bitchy. Wouldn’t you if you just found out your man had been chilling at a titty bar every night since you moved in together?

My eyes were still trying to adjust to the low lighting as I scanned the bar, looking for the guys. The music cranked up as Nine Inch Nails “Closer” began to pump from the speakers. This was one of my favorite songs, so this bitch better not make me hate it by being the one wearing that nasty red lipstick. A busty blonde who looked like she was a naughty acrobat rather than a stripper began to slink her way to the pole.

Rhinestones covered her masquerade-type mask, a short white sparkly skirt and a silver studded halter top completed her outfit. And by the hoots and hollers of the horny bastards lined up around the stage, she was a favorite.

Why the hell I was sitting there watching a stripper’s number, I couldn’t tell you, but she was mesmerizing. God, she was sexy, yeah, but she was grace and self-confidence and talent. What the hell was she doing working as a stripper in Podunk, Iowa when she could be on Broadway, or something? Damn, girl. Shit, was she flexible. By the time she finished her number, she was down to a glittery G-string and some silver nipple cover-thingies. She shook her ass and blew kisses to the crowd as she gathered up the last of the tips thrown up at her and strutted off the stage.

Wow.

Shit. She had distracted me from my mission. My eyes resumed their scan of the room. When they lit on a half-naked, gaudy redhead climbing up to straddle a guy against the wall in the corner, I wanted to gag. Gross. Some guys were sooooo without shame. When I saw Reaper walk up to them and noted his angry body language, my eyes took the disgusting scene in again. No. No way. Blood boiling, I pushed and wove my way through the crowd to the corner and the scene of what was unfolding to be the beginning of the end of my relationship. My heart pounded in anger, denial, and adrenaline.

“What the fucking hell?” Not sure, but I thought I may have shrieked at glass-breaking decibels. The nasty, skanky, redhead turned to me as she slid off what I then knew was my man’s lap. Bitch had the nerve to give me a dirty look and tell me to fuck off or she would have her boyfriend throw me out.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” My eyes flashed to Mason’s shocked hazel ones that were nearly gold tonight. Yeah, shocked to see me, darling?

“Babe, I can explain. This is not what you think.” He turned to skank-face. “Cherry, I told you once, and I’m not telling you again, get the fuck out of here.” When he tried to reach for me, I jerked my arm out of his grasp as I back away, breathing labored and so mad I could probably spit damn nails. Fury resonated through my entire body.

“Hollywood, you know we have a good thing going. This scrawny bitch is why you’re telling me to leave? Fuck her.” She turned to me and spit out, “You aren’t wanted bitch, move along and get the hell out of here. You don’t fucking belong here.” My mind barely registered skank-face telling me he was her man and I needed to get the hell out of there. I’m the scrawny one? My focus turned to her, and I was about to punch her boney ass out when Reaper wrapped his arms around me and quietly told me I didn’t want to do this here. Hollywood looked furiously at skank-face before he turned back to me. He still looked angry, like I did something wrong. My body jerked and twisted until I pulled out of Reaper’s hold, turning on him.

“You! Both of you. Oh my God. I can’t even find the words right now. Jesus Christ. I cannot. Just cannot believe this!” Havoc churning through me, I turned and forced my way through the crowd to the door as I felt sobs tear through my body. Through the pounding rush in my ears, I barely heard Mason and Reaper shouting my name. My hand snatched a small stack of napkins from a table as I pass to wipe the tears that were blinding me. Realizing it was a futile endeavor, I shoved them in my pocket and kept moving. All I could focus on was the door and getting the hell out of there. At the last minute, I noticed the back door was closer and diverted my path, bursting out of the door into the humid night air. My hands dropped to my knees and my head hung as I gasped for breath and sobbed.

Not wanting to wait long because I knew the guys were following me, I stood. As I rushed toward my car, fumbling with my keys, the air was knocked out of me as I was tackled from the side, and a hand covered my mouth. We nearly fell to the ground when another set of hands grabbed me, and we were moving toward a dark-colored van. My body started kicking and thrashing, fighting tooth and nail against the slow progression toward the van. Panic like I had never felt engulfed me. How did you process something that only happened in the movies?

Something sickly sweet covered my face, and everything seemed grossly distorted before my vision started to go black.

Heavy.

No breath.

Sinking.

I was sure I heard Mason and Reaper shouting before there was just… nothingness.

MY MOMMA TAUGHT ME to never hit a woman, but if ever I wanted to plant my fist between a bitch’s eyes, it was Cherry. As soon as Reaper and I walked in, she was up my ass. No matter how many times I gave her the brush-off, she kept coming back. After the shitstorm she stirred up with her little stunt last night, I could have easily throttled her with no remorse. This was just icing on the cake of shit she had stirred up.

Reaper had even told her to get lost. That motherfucker can be a scary bastard when he wanted, so she had stayed away just until he left to take a piss. She had slithered up in my lap quicker than I could blink, and I was fighting to shove her off without making a big scene that would call attention to us back in the corner. We were supposed to be observing the comings and goings while being unobtrusive. Every time I pushed to get her off my lap, her arms tightened around my neck. If I peeled her arms from around my neck, she was climbing back in my lap. She was like a fucking octopus.

Reaper came stalking over, looking pissed as hell. Join the fucking club, buddy.

“Cherry! Knock it the fuck off!” he growled. “I swear I’m going to lock you in the backroom if you don’t get lost. I would have Arnie cut you loose, but your ass wouldn’t leave. Now, dammit, Cherry, get the fuck off Hollywood. Now! Don’t make me fire your ass and ban you from the place.” She looked over at him and batted her fake eyelashes. He rolled his eyes. Little did she know, neither of us had sympathy for her shit.

“What the fucking hell?” My eyes closed in dread. That was a voice I was not expecting to hear tonight, especially not at that particular moment. It was one I ordinarily would have loved to hear, but with that slut on my lap, I knew shit looked bad. Real bad. Hell, I wasn’t sure how she knew where I was, but it was not good.

Cherry slid off my lap, running her hand over my jeans and along my dick as she got off. After having something as golden and good as my girl, this tramp didn’t do a damn thing for me. It seemed like she figured that out when I didn’t respond to her, so instead, she started running her mouth to Becca after I had already told her ass to beat it.

Becca turned on her, and I thought she was going to jump in her shit with both feet. Reaper must have seen it too, because he wrapped her up and held her, whispering in her ear as she thrashed and fought his hold. I was so pissed at the situation, I could barely think straight.

Becca was a fury as she twisted out of Reaper’s arms and lashed out at us both. With every fiber of my being, I wanted to try to explain to her how she misunderstood the whole situation. I wanted to hold her and have everything be okay, but she was pushing her way toward the door by the time I pulled myself out of my agitated inertness. Reaper shoved my shoulder, getting me to move, but by then she had gotten a head start on us. Girl could move. We both rushed to cut her off before she got to the door, when we saw her suddenly cut off and go to the back door.

Shit! Losing precious time, we had to weave back through the place. Of course, it had to be a busy as fuck night.

She was out the door by the time we made it through the crowd. We rushed out the door in time to a sight that was a complete blow to my gut. No, worse. The sight that greeted me eviscerated me.

No. No. No! My heart and lungs near to exposing in my chest, I ran toward the two men who were dragging my girl kicking and fighting toward a plain black panel van. Reaper shouted, hot on my heels. No idea what they had done to her, but I screamed her name just as I saw her go limp and they tossed her in the van like a sack of trash.

The van pealed out as they were still climbing in, doors swinging. My instinct was to jump on my bike and follow them, but Reaper held me back with one arm as he was rapidly talking on his burner phone.

“Stop! Hollywood! Man, I know that’s your woman, but we can’t follow them blindly. It could be a trap. Snow is pulling everyone from the other tasks and is diverting them here. Hacker is running the plates. I was able to get them before they threw her in.” Reaper tried to reason with me, but my mind was shattered. I was seriously losing my shit as I gripped my hair and paced back and forth.

Fuck this shit. I need to go after my girl. Fuck!

Hopping on my bike, I revved it and peeled out, shifting gears like a Grand Prix racer as I tried like hell to keeping the disappearing taillights in my sights as they swerved in and out of traffic down 18th Street. When they turned down a side street, I lost them after a jacked-up truck pulled out in front of me, and I slammed on my brakes to avoid being a bumper sticker.

Reaper skidded to a stop next to me mere seconds later. My rage knew no bounds as I kicked my kickstand down and jump off my bike. Hands fisted with my arms straight at my sides, I roared in outrage before swinging wildly when Reaper approached me. Vision straight red, it didn’t matter who he was, as everything in my body was on disconnect.

“Hollywood! Stop! Fuck!” Reaper’s words barely penetrated my haze of wrath. “Let’s go back to the main road to meet up with the brothers. We lost them. There is no sense in riding off half-cocked. Man, I told you, this could be a trap to get one of us alone.”

Not caring if it was a trap, I was going out of my fucking mind waiting as I headed in the direction of my bike. As I passed by a road sign, I punched the metal. My hand was throbbing, but my adrenaline prevented me from really feeling any damage I may have done.

Let me tell you, I have never been a very religious man, but I prayed to whatever God may listen to me that we found her before anything happened to her.

Deep in my heart, I was terrified I was going to lose her one way or another tonight.

Reaper grabbed my arm, turning me toward him in a blurring half circle. “Hey, Hollywood. Man listen to me. They have an ETA of about five minutes. We’re going to find her, bro. You just need to hold your shit together and keep your cool. This is just another mission. Pull yourself together. You can’t go racing off and possibly getting yourself killed. We got this, bro, we got this. Now let’s head up to the road so they see us. Okay?”

The breath I was holding came out in a rush. He was right, and I knew it, but fuck if I wasn’t coming unraveled inside. The woman I loved had been taken, and I knew those fucking piece-of-shit Demon Runners had her. But why? Why her? Did they figure out she was the old lady of a patched member? Regardless, they had signed their death warrant. Legit be damned. Even if it meant turning in my cut, I would hunt down every one of those worthless bastards and kill them slowly if they harm her in any way.

My leg swung over my bike as I settled in, anxious to take off. Reaper and I rode up to a gas station and sat waiting for the guys to get here. Less than five minutes later, we heard the roar of their bikes, but hell if it didn’t feel like five hours. Snow, Vinny, DJ, Soap, Hacker, Two-Speed, and Dice all pulled into the lot and stopped in front of us.

“Hacker says the van is stolen. Go figure. Good news is, your woman had her phone on her. We were able to trace the tracker you had him put on it, but that’s only as good as the signal. He’s tracking her now. Brother, we’re going to get her back. No one takes one of ours without retaliation. Now keep your damn head screwed on straight and we’ll get her. Let’s ride out, boys.” Snow was calm, but I could see in his eyes he was pissed that these motherfuckers had taken it to this level. Like I said before, we’d been trying our best to stay legit and on the right side of the law for a while, but fuck with our families and all bets were off.

“We need to get moving. They’re moving at a fast rate, and they have a good head start on us.” Hacker was messing with his phone. He was one wicked-smart motherfucker. Like, I mean the man was seriously tested as a genius. He could crack almost any program out there, and the ones he actually designed blew my mind. Thankfully, he had his tracking program tied to his phone so he could follow through his GPS and shit. My agitation level was exploding, because I’d been ready to go before they arrived. I needed to get this show on the damn road.

We all pulled out in a tight formation and roared off into the night. Even though Snow, as prez, would usually be in lead, Hacker was this time due to the tracking program he had running. By this time, we were heading down toward Spencer when Hacker motioned we were turning off the highway soon. The gravel roads meant we had to slow down. When Hacker motioned for us to stop, I was pissed.

What the fuck now?

“Damn, I think they ditched her phone,” he exclaimed. I watched helplessly as Hacker worked furiously with his phone. My heart felt like it had been ripped out while it was still beating, the pain was so great.

“What happened? What do you mean you think they ditched it?” My frustration was building, and I was starting to come unraveled again.

“I mean, it’s showing her phone is right here.” He motioned toward the ditch. “They had to have thrown it out,” he said as he scanned the ditch with a high-powered flashlight. “Either they found the tracking program, which I doubt, because it was embedded pretty deep and saved to look like it was just a random background program running, or they were just being cautious. There is nothing out this way except for a few old farms and fields. Bro, I’m sorry.” Hacker looked like I felt. It wasn’t often he was bested. This was damn near Steph’s situation on repeat, and I knew how that had played out. My nausea circled and churned in my gut.

“Fuck!”

We all got off our bikes and walked the ditch in search of Becca’s phone. Not that it would do us much good, but maybe Hacker could get something off it. He had done some kind of CSI shit in the Marines with the Force Recon. Searching the overgrown grass for a cell phone felt like the proverbial needle in a haystack search.

“Hey! I think I got it!” Soap yelled out. He used his bandana to scoop it up before he came running over to Hacker with it. Hacker stowed it in one of his saddlebags to go through it when we got back to the clubhouse.

“Since we’re out here, let’s check out the farms along here to see if they’re using one as a home base or a place to keep her. We can’t all go, because all these bikes would sound like the sky is raining down. Soap, your bike is the quietest since you’re running stock, so I want you to ride past the few farmsteads along this road. If you notice anything, keep moving and call us when you get to the end of the road.” In a different time, I would have laughed at the slam to Soap’s bike; at that time, I just wanted to get going. Snow returned to his bike. “All right, we wait here until we hear from Soap.”

More fucking waiting. Dammit.

When my phone started ringing, I was pissed. Who the fuck is calling me? I did not have time for stupid bullshit right now.

Digging my phone out of the inside pocket of my cut, I saw it was a restricted call. My eyes met every brother standing around before I answered the call.

“Yeah?”

“Is this ‘Sexy-Ass Mason’?” a snide, gravelly voice asked me.

“This is Mason. Who the fuck is this?” Right away, I knew this had something to do with those fuckers who had Becca. I knew I needed to keep my cool because I didn’t want to give anything away in my temper.

“We have something that belongs to you. Listen carefully, because I won’t repeat myself. Get in contact with the Demented Sons MC and tell them we have your hot little number… you know… a certain pretty little redheaded dancer… and if they don’t want to keep losing their little dancers, they’ll meet us unarmed at a time and an address I will text to you in the morning. If you value your woman, you will convince them to be there. If they don’t show up, it won’t be just dancers they start losing.” He laughed before the line went dead.

“Stupid motherfucker doesn’t know who he has. They think they have one of the dancers. They want me to ‘get in contact with the Demented Sons MC’ and tell them to meet them unarmed at a location and time they will text me in the morning. If we don’t show, they said it won’t just be dancers we start losing.” My expression wavered between angry and bleak, my fists clenched in rage. For a moment, everyone was silent before Snow spoke up.

“All right, Soap, get moving. As soon as he scopes out this road, brothers, let’s head back toward home. Get your families and get to the clubhouse ASAP. We’re on lockdown until we find the sonofabitches. You got me?” Grimly, everyone nodded.

Soap took off down the road, his taillights blinking out when he shut down his lights to decrease his visibility. It wasn’t long before Snow’s phone rang, and he looked at me shaking his head. We mounted up and headed back toward home, frustrated and on edge. It killed me to turn my back and not search every road in the county in an attempt to find them tonight, but I knew I wasn’t thinking rationally. So, I followed Reaper to his house since there was nothing for me at mine. Just the thought made me want to explode. Made me want to scream into the dark night sky. Made me want to rip my own heart from my chest to alleviate the retching pain crushing it.

Reaper woke Steph and told her to get Remi, Wyatt, and enough stuff for a few days. Steph looked at him in concern as she quickly carried Wyatt and his car seat out from the back bedroom. He carried a sleeping Remi, and I took the packed bag from him to carry it out to their SUV. Steph looked at me after securing the babies, and her question took me out at the knees.

“Where’s Becca, Hollywood?” her soft voice whispered with blue eyes full of worry.

Grabbing my hair in both fists, I turned away before I completely lost it. Panted breaths rasped from my lungs as I struggled to breathe.

Breathe.

Breathe.

Just fucking breathe.

Gasping, heart shredded, I faintly registered Reaper speaking to Steph in a low tone. My eyes sought the bright stars as I fought to keep my sob at bay—a desperate, aching sob that I was afraid would mirror the one I heard slip from Steph.

Jesus, I don’t fucking cry.

Please, God, if you’re listening, please bring my baby back to me safe. I fucking need her.

GOD, MY HEAD IS pounding. I feel like I sucked on cotton balls all night, too. My eyes don’t want to focus, and my bed feels like it’s hard as concrete this morning. When I try to roll over, my limbs are so heavy I can barely move. There’s a bright-ass light shining right in my eyes, making it hard to find where my pillow went. My arm is like a lead weight when I move to throw it over my blinded eyes. Why don’t I remember drinking last night? Man, I must have been trashed to be this hungover. Sleep. Sleep sounds so damn good…

Waking with a start, I realized I must have dozed off again. Shit. Oh God, my stomach roiled, and I felt like I was going to puke. My quivering arms finally supported me enough to rise to a sitting position, and I pushed my tangled hair out of my face.

What the fuck?

As my eyes slowly began to focus and take in my surroundings, my heart jumped into my throat and tried to choke me.

Where the hell am I and how did I get here?

Looking around, I realized I was obviously in a small basement room because there was a little window high in the wall, and other than that, the room consisted of four cinder-block walls, a single metal door, and a concrete floor with a drain in the center.

Panic welled inside me and alarm bells were resonating in my head. My memories were vague, and I grabbed my head as if I could hold onto those elusive memories and get my head to quit spinning.

Slowly, flashes started to sift through my mind.

A strip club, Mason, Reaper, the redheaded skank, rushing outside, and a van…

Holy Mary, mother of God…

Shit, I had been tackled and thrown into a van. My head was still pounding and the most revolting taste was stuck to my tongue. Sickly sweet. Rancid. My eyes flashed to the small window.

Was it last night? How long had I been lying here? Where the hell am I?

My bladder felt like it was going to explode, and in a panic, my hand hovered over my belly.

Oh shit, what did they drug me with? Please God, don’t let it have hurt my little peanut…

My bladder near to bursting, I couldn’t hold it anymore, and I sure as shit wasn’t going to sit here and piss myself, so I crawled on quivering arms and legs to the drain. Geez, I felt like a newborn colt! Please don’t let anyone walk in while I’m in this ridiculous position. Squatting over a nasty drain cover on a floor to piss was not where I ever in a million years saw myself, but necessity ruled in that moment.

Great, no fricking toilet paper in my palatial accommodations.

In a desperate attempt to prevent my anxiety and terror from taking over, I tried to latch onto anger and sarcasm. Staying calm was essential, I knew, but I was struggling. Bad.

Shit, the napkins… Pulling the wad of napkins out, I counted them. There were five. They were the small ones like you put drinks on, but if I opened it up, it would work, and I could ration them out for a little bit. My brain blocked out the thoughts of how long I may or may not be here and why I was here. The used one got tossed in the corner furthest from me. Jesus, it didn’t escape me that I was rationing napkins for pissing. What the fuck?

Crawling back to the corner furthest from the door, I sat with my arms wrapped around my legs, my knees pulled up tight to my chest. Dear God, help me. Mason, anyone, please be looking for me and find me soon.

My throat tightened, and my heart pounded like it may burst. I’d watched too many fucking scary movies and knew the girl never made it out of crap like this unscathed. Sometimes she didn’t make it at all… Please, God, I don’t want to die, ran on repeat through my brain as I sat there thinking about all of the things I had to live for, and my baby, tiny and nestled in my abdomen, was at the top of the list. Mason didn’t even know he was going to be a daddy.

Maybe he wouldn’t even look for me. I really thought he loved me, but now I wasn’t sure. Was I deluding myself? How could he love me but be at a strip joint with sleazy skanks climbing all over him? My rational side told me there had to be more to what I saw, but my hormonal, irrational, hurt side was angry and spiteful.

Guess I dozed off again, leaning against the wall with my forehead on my knees, because I woke with my neck was killing me from the awkward angle. The direction of the light had changed, so a few hours must have passed by. My mouth was still so dry, and I was hungry. Really freaking hungry.

When the doorknob rattled, I was instantly alert. The door opened slowly, and a lanky man with greasy hair and filthy looking jeans walked in. The dirty leather vest he wore had a patch that read “Rat,” and I thought how fitting that name was with his beady eyes, pointed nose, and weak-looking, set-back chin. Though I didn’t want to, my eyes met his, and I tried not to show fear, even though I was sure he could smell it coming off me in waves.

“Well, lookee here, you’re awake. I was hoping to have a little fun with you, but I was told to just check on you and bring you some food and water.” He walked closer and crouched in front of me. Gross… his teeth were nasty and his breath was worse. Violently, my stomach rebelled at the smell emanating from him, and I prayed I didn’t hurl in his face. Without warning, his hand shot out, grabbing my breast and twisting painfully. Despite my attempt to maintain a cool façade, I cried out in pain.

“Those are some nice titties. Mmm, yeah, I can’t wait to have a round with you. We need those Demented Assholes to show up so we can kill them all. Man, I sure hope you don’t get caught in the crossfire, ’cause I want to bury myself in you something fierce after they’re dead. Maybe, if you’re lucky, they’ll let me claim you as mine.”

Lucky? Yeah, not so much, you delusional asshole.

When he reached out to touch my hair, my cringe was involuntary, and he laughed as he stood up. My gag reflex was working overtime as he stroked his dick through his pants then readjusted it before walking to the door. He reached outside the door and threw a bottle of water and a gas-station-style sandwich at me.

The dirty patch on the back of his leather vest as he walked away read “Nomads” under a patch with some kind of ugly creature with red eyes and fangs and “Demon Runners” above it. I filed that away, trying to remember every detail I could in case I lived through this and was able to tell the police.

Right now, the odds of that seem really, really shitty…

“Rat, cut your shit out. Get upstairs before I gut your nasty, greasy ass. Go take a damn shower, for fuck’s sake.” If I thought fear rolled off me with Rat, I felt sheer terror rise in me at the man who walked into the waning light coming from the small window. Not because he was scarred or ugly, but because this man had dark, cold, dead eyes. His hair was slicked back and held in a ponytail. If it weren’t for his eyes, he would have actually been a good-looking guy, but those black eyes were just plain flat and emotionless. His threat to Rat seemed extremely plausible, and I believed he would do it with relish, not remorse.

Fine tremors skated down my spine as he ambled to me, and I glanced to the open door, weighing the chances of making it past him and out the door before he could catch me. When I looked back to him, he had a feral grin as he narrowed his eyes at me.

“I wouldn’t if I were you.” My eyes widened slightly at the thought that he could read my mind.

“What’s your name, Red?” God, I hated that he called me that after Mason and his club called me that with affection.

Fucking asshole.

My gaze continued to meet his, but I remained mute.

Quick as lightning, his hand reached out to grab my jaw in a punishing grip, bringing immediate tears to my eyes. Blinking to hold them at bay, I tried desperately not to let them fall.

“Answer me, before I break this delicate little jaw.” Jesus, he was crazy, but I believed him. Of course, just because I believed him, didn’t mean I was giving in easy. I’d always been too damn stubborn for my own good, but I wasn’t stupid enough to think they were going to actually let me go after this.

“Fuck you,” I spat through the pain. His other hand shot out and backhanded me, knocking my head back against the wall. Fuck, the pounding in my head reached epic proportions, and a warm sensation trickled down my face, so I was pretty sure his ring had done some damage to my cheek. Dickhead. Without warning, he grabbed my hair in his fist, jerking my head so my face was mere inches from his.

“You think I care that you have tits and a pussy? I really don’t. I tried to ask you nicely, didn’t I? Now, what… is… your… name? So I can make sure those Demented Pussies know which one of their little dancers we have.” He took his finger and caught the blood trickling down my cheek. When he put his finger in his mouth and sucked my blood off, my stomach cramped and heaved. My lips pressed together in defiance, despite my rising fear of what he may do to me.

“Stupid bitch.” His soft-spoken tone were in blatant contrast to the words themselves.

My fear was well placed as he punched me in the face, and my eye instantly began to swell shut. He was so fast, I didn’t even see it coming.

Holy shit.

My head was now throbbing at a vicious pace, and I truly believed he was actually ripping my hair from my head, his grip was so tight. Though I desperately tried to block it, his next punch still caught my lip, and I tasted the metallic evidence of the damage before he punched me again and again. Black dots danced in my vision, and if he hadn’t been holding me up by my hair, I was pretty sure I would have collapsed in a boneless heap.

When he grabbed the front of my shirt in his meaty, bloody fist and ripped it straight down, I felt cool air hit my stomach. Pure instinct had my hands attempting to cover myself and protect my defenseless baby.

With a jerk, my legs were pulled out straight by the ankle until I slid down the wall and my head hit the floor. As he braced his foot on my chest to hold me down, he began to pull my boots off. Sheer desperation had me trying to kick out and fight him, but I could barely breathe with the pressure he was exerting on my chest. Hands clawing at his boot in an attempt to allow expansion for my lungs, I felt hysteria creeping in.

God, I’m going to suffocate.

Panic built like a tsunami in me, and I felt sure he had cracked some of my ribs by this time. He knelt down, replacing the boot on my chest with his knee, and then easily unbuttoned my jeans and ripped them off.

Jesus God, help me. Tears coursed down my cheeks, my sobs stuck in my chest.

Cruelly, his hand seized me by the pubic bone, pushing my underwear down before his fingers shoved into me. Fuck, it hurt so fricking bad. If I could have screamed, I would have, but I couldn’t even breathe! Tears continued to leak from the corners of my eyes as he jerked my panties down further to midthigh.

Please no…

“This would be all you’re good for, but I don’t like dry, cold bitches.” His fingers pulled out and shoved painfully into me once more before he finally decided he was done with me.

There I lay on the floor, gasping to regain my breath after he removed his knee from my chest. My ribs hurt with each expansion. A big fist gripped my hair again, and a whimper slipped from my cracked and bleeding lips. Effortlessly, he lifted me off the floor by my hair until I was close to his emotionless face.

“Don’t worry, that’s not a problem we can’t fix. They can try to identify your body when we’re done with you. It makes no difference to me. I’ll be back, and you better hope I’ve heard from them, or you get to suffer for their stupidity. As it is, your boyfriend will see what his little stripper girlfriend looks like now.” When he released my hair, I fell over and he kicked me in the thigh. Vaguely, I heard a clicking sound and looked up with my one barely open eye to see he had a phone out and he was taking pictures of me.

Stripper? What the hell? Does he really think I am one of the strippers from that place? Jesus. And my boyfriend? Shit, they’re sending these to Mason. Oh, God. If they have his number, then I guess that answers what happened to my cell phone.

Little does this asshole know, Mason probably wouldn’t even give a shit about what happened to me since it seemed everything we had was a sham. I prayed he at least looked for me for Steph’s sake, since she was his brother’s wife and my best friend, but I wasn’t holding my breath. Trembling, I watched as he walked out of the room with my pants and boots, leaving me lying on the cold concrete in my panties, bra, and torn shirt.

Time ceased to exist as minute ran into minute while I lay in a crumpled heap, tears running to the concrete floor. But I was starving, and through blurred vision, I saw the sandwich Rat threw at me. Even though it pissed me off to accept anything from these assholes, I knew I need to eat something if I wanted to maintain my strength in case the opportunity arose to escape. Also, my baby needed whatever I could get.

The thought of the innocent life in me not getting a chance to grow and see the world broke my heart. Why had I been so stupid? Despite knowing better, I completely disregarded my surroundings when I left the strip joint. That was one thing my dad had always drilled into me.

Oh God, my parents.

If I died, they were going to be devastated. Self-pity overwhelmed me as I continued to cry over my situation, until I finally felt like I was just completely out of tears.

The water felt good on my dry, parched throat, but the process of drinking and eating the nasty gas station sandwich broke my lip open again and I tasted blood. Every part of my body ached and burned. When my nausea built, I leaned against the wall and closed my eyes, taking deep breaths. Slowly, it began to ebb. The urge to cry pressed at my eyes and throat like hot pokers, but I told myself it wouldn’t help me. It was time to get my shit in one basket and do what I could to get out of here.

When I tried to stand, my leg almost gave out on me. Rubbing on the area, I felt the hard, swollen knot in my thigh. Shit, there was swelling and a large purple bruise forming already. My head was still pounding, I hurt like hell all over, and I could barely see out of one eye. Reaching toward the window, I found it nailed shut. Of course. Briefly, I considered using my shirt around my hand and trying to break the glass, but I knew I wouldn’t fit through the window, and even if I could, I wouldn’t be able to pull myself up to it to save my soul.

Slumping to the floor in defeat, I curled in a tight ball and silently prayed for someone to find me before it was too late. The silence was deafening, and defeat crept over me like a wraith.

THE TEXT WITH THE address of the meeting place and time came through at about eleven the next morning. Bodily and mentally exhausted, I had barely slept all night worrying about Becca and if she was still okay. My girl was feisty and strong, but I honestly didn’t know how much she could take in a situation like that.

My fist raised to knock on Snow’s door, and he answered after a grumbled, “yeah, hold on.” When he threw the door open, I saw Cammie sprawled in the bed behind him. Despite averting my eyes as quickly as they registered his glare, I still backed up and looked down the hall. Clearing my throat, I gave him the info from the text message.

“Call everyone in for church. I’ll be there in five.” He closed the door.

I did what he asked, my body moving on autopilot. We were all hastily taking our seats when Snow entered the room and sat at the head of the table. He ran his hand through his dark brown hair, causing it to stand up. Not sure I’d ever seen him look so weary, and lines of stress creased his forehead. During times like this, we all knew he carried a heavy burden and none of us envied the responsibility he shouldered.

“These assholes have been a thorn in our sides for too long now. We have a meeting place and time for early tomorrow morning, but I don’t trust them. They say they want to make a deal to split the small gun transport we operate, and they’re demanding a share in the area for drugs, which will happen over my dead body. You all know I don’t give a shit about the weed, but I’ll be damned if I let them bring meth into our area. Fuck that shit. And we’re not stupid enough to believe this isn’t a setup. Reaper, I want you and Hollywood to work with Hacker to see if there’s any video surveillance we can tap into in the area. We also need a good location to set you two up in a position to cover us and take out as many as you can. They fucked up when they started to mess with us, but they signed their death warrants when they took Hollywood’s old lady and threatened our families.”

We continued to work out all the details, and then Snow adjourned the meeting. Reaper and I headed toward bed to try to catch a little sleep before we had to leave to set up. We were all passing through the doors, grabbing our phones from the basket we placed them in prior to going into church. Looking at the screen, I saw five missed messages. Opening them, it first read:

Unknown: in case you needed incentive to get them to listen to you

The pictures began loading and I doubled over from the torment that hit me like a punch to the gut. Grasping desperately at the wall, a roaring sound filled my ears. Reaper yelled my name as my knees hit the floor and my phone dropped from my lifeless fingers. The visions of those photos were forever etched in my brain, and I felt physically ill at the thought of what all she must have endured.

“Jesus.” Reaper looked at my phone and handed it off to Snow as he covered his mouth with his free hand. Steph ran up to Reaper, and I could barely make out her frantic whispering to him. Being Becca’s best friend, I knew this was killing her too. Not to mention, it probably brought back bad memories for her. Snow was talking to me, but I barely heard a word he said. My jaw and fists were clenching, and my chest heaved with ferocious breaths.

I am going to kill them all. Every fucking one of them.

Of course, there were no camera systems in the shitty area they wanted us to meet, so we were going in blind. It was a vacant, condemned, old slaughterhouse on the edge of town. Much like our sniper missions, we had arrived hours ago to ensure we were set up and ready before they got there. We stealthily moved in under the cover of darkness, dressed all in black with nothing but our eyes exposed, and even those were blacked as best we could. Since she had been taken, I had only slept in short spurts, but my adrenaline was pumping, keeping me alert. It felt like Reaper and I were back in time on another mission.

We had brought the portable video equipment and had explicit instructions from Hacker on what he wanted to be able to see to help determine placement of the cameras. We waited patiently on the roof of a grain elevator located on the property next to the packing plant, after setting up the surveillance. We had already run a recon of the building and surrounding area upon our arrival. Everything was clear.

Fuck, they were idiots. From our rooftop location, we had an unobstructed view of the inside of the old factory, thanks to the majority of the windows being shattered.

It was nearly three in the morning and the meeting was set for five. It would still be fairly dark by then, and I knew they were planning on having the advantage.

Stupid fucks.

Unlike our missions in the Army, I was not just operating as a spotter. This time, I was prepared with my own sniper rifle. Yeah, I may not be as good a shot as Reaper, but I was still better than most. Growing up hunting with my dad came in handy at times like this.

We still didn’t know where they were keeping Becca, so our instructions were to allow one or two to escape so we could tail them back to wherever they were hiding out. Silently, I prayed they would lead us to her and we would be able to rescue her in time. Fuck, I prayed she was still alive… Unbidden, thoughts of what Steph had endured at the hands of that psycho raced through my mind, and I prayed some more.

Personally, I would’ve rather just spare one of them and slowly torture the location out of him, but that was my anger feeding itself and another reason I was glad I wasn’t the prez. Times like this, I was grateful for Snow’s level head, but it didn’t stop me from wanting to make them all suffer.

Before we headed over, Reaper talked to me and did his best to get me focused on the mission. He seemed nearly as angry as I was, and I knew Steph had begged for us to bring her friend home safe. She was distraught, and every time she looked at me, she hugged me and cried. If my brain had been functioning better at that time, I might have questioned the crazy, frantic despair in her eyes.

The air was cool, but I felt like I was sweating bullets. My eyes closed and my breaths slowed as I worked to focus my mind and body.

Breathe.

In.

Out.

Focus.

Everything dissipated except for our immediate situation. It had been a while, but I channeled the soldier I once was. The rooftop we rested on was pebbled, and it seemed as if we’d been laid out on the uneven surface forever, though the discomfort barely registered as we maintained focus, diligently watching for our targets.

These pieces of shit were stupid for not keeping someone at this location all night. Showed they were straight fucking amateurs. Vicious ones, but amateurs just the same.

When we saw movement, we looked through our night vision lenses to see a single person checking out the area. The bright green glow in his hand told us he was using a phone, probably to let his dipshit brothers know the coast was clear. Little did he know…

Two others joined him. We continued to watch them as they set up in what they obviously believed were hidden locations. These dumbasses had clearly never trained or lived like Reaper and I had. They were absolute incompetents, and I almost felt sorry for them. Almost.

We held steady and waited. The waiting was always the worst, but we had learned patience for this exact type of situation over the years together. It did, however, take everything I had to keep the personal nature of the situation to the back of my mind. I knew I needed to stay impartial to maintain my focus.

ETA of our brothers was still about forty-five minutes out, so it didn’t surprise us when we saw more of their guys rolling in and parking their bikes back behind the vacant building.

We counted seven guys in total. Three that had set up in advance, and the four that had just showed up. They entered the factory through a side door to wait for our guys. We radioed in to Hacker to give him verbal updates to coincide with the video feed. We were also connected to Snow and the guys through the high-tech earpieces that were nearly invisible in the dim light. It was amazing what you could acquire with the right contacts and money.

What we weren’t expecting was the panel van that pulled up. Pretty sure it was the same one Becca had been thrown into, and my eyes flashed over to meet Reaper’s. He nodded and returned his focus to the scene unfolding below us. We silently watched as the overhead door opened, the van drove in and they quickly closed the door. The driver got out and spoke to the four in the factory. It appeared the driver was alone. My senses were on high-alert. Something just didn’t feel right.

Right on time, we watched our guys as they rolled up the deserted road toward us. Everyone was present except for the two prospects that had stayed behind to watch over the families back at the clubhouse. They arrived “slick back”—no cuts—in two of our blacked out SUV’s, coasting up to park up the road, and then walked in as silently as possible. Hacker was in our van with a prospect as a driver so he could operate a command center of sorts. He had the video and audio feed working as our third set of eyes. We were well aware we would need the advantage as long as possible.

The stupid fucks should have posted someone up the road to call in and notify their guys we were arriving. Like I said… amateurs.

Our brothers all quietly sounded off, giving us the sign they were hearing us clearly. We reported our observations to them as they worked their way through the darkest shadows toward the factory. Having most of our brothers as prior military sure helped in situations like this.

As they neared the entrance to the building, Reaper and I zeroed in on the assholes who thought they were hiding. We knew we had mere seconds to hit the first of our targets before moving to the next—two each. The safety of our brothers depended heavily on us.

Because we were focused on our targets, we missed the activity by the van until I heard Snow whisper, “Shit,” but I didn’t dare waver from my focus. Reaper spoke to the brothers, asking if there was a problem or change of plans. Hacker advised us to stay on course and wait for the predetermined signal from Snow to take out our targets before we moved on to the assholes left standing. Had I wavered my focus from my target, I would have picked up on the hesitation in Hacker’s voice and I would have seen one of my worst nightmares unfold.

YOU NEVER REALLY KNEW how strong you were until you had a tiny human relying on you to protect it. Despite this, however, I couldn’t lie and say I hadn’t momentarily prayed for death because of the pain. I was pretty damn sure my ribs were cracked, if not broken. There was no way it could hurt that much to breathe and my ribs still be intact. Also, I was pretty sure my body looked like it’d been used as a punching bag.

Oh wait, it was. For the last twenty-four or more hours, because honestly, I had lost track, the raspy voiced asshole had systematically beat the ever-loving shit out of me. The scariest part of it all was he didn’t even seem angry as he punched or slapped me.

The cold-hearted bastard remained flat faced, yet I swore he enjoyed every minute. He would ask me what I knew about the club. How many members there were. Which of the members I “belonged to.” What Mason’s connection to the club was. Since he and I were probably over, I wasn’t lying when I told him none of them. He told me repeatedly how “they” would learn this was no longer “their” territory. I could only assume he meant Mason’s MC.

No matter how many times I tried to tell him I wasn’t one of the MC’s strippers, he wouldn’t listen to me, and he would punish me for “speaking without permission.”

There had never been a moment in my life where I hated someone as much as I hated that bastard. The terror of the beatings harming my baby nearly broke me, but I forced myself to hold it together. Time drifted and blended, merging in a kaleidoscope of horrific moments twisting around in my head.

My consciousness had obviously drifted in and out, because I didn’t remember being loaded back in the shitty van, but I sure as hell felt someone dragging me out of the van by my hair. When my battered body bounced off the side door and hit the concrete, I whimpered at the jarring to my numerous injuries. After that, he continued to drag me a few steps away from the van before dropping me to the ground.

It was so cold. Was I completely naked? It was hard to tell if you had clothing on when your very skin hurt and the pain traveled straight to the bone. Not to mention, I was nearly covered in dried blood. My breaths came in rapid gasps to prevent deep breaths, which caused excruciating pain. There was a ringing in my ears, so I could only hear a hum of voices. I was sure they brought me here to finish me off, but I remembered what the greasy one named Rat said about it being an ambush.

Through blurred vision, I swore I saw some of the guys from Mason’s club. My voice escaped me and my mind wouldn’t connect with my mouth to form words. There was no way for me to warn them that this was a trap. Even though he and I had gone to shit, my heart still ached at the thought of his beautiful, smiling face, or any of the others, going still in death. In the last few months, I had become close with all of them through Mason, Steph, and Reaper. They’d become like family to me, and I felt sick inside at my helplessness.

Blackness snuck in from my peripheral vision when I heard shouts and gunshots. Silent sobs tortured my body as I imagined their blood flooding the cold concrete. Vaguely, I was aware of squealing tires and the sound of motorcycles roaring away from here. My consciousness wavered as my eyes grew heavy.

When a blanket covered me, I wondered if I was dead and being covered by paramedics, or maybe that asshole because he assumed I was dead. No, he wouldn’t have cared one way or the other and would have been just as happy to leave me lying on the side of the road like unwanted refuse.

A hand brushed my hair, stiff with blood, out of my face. Muted voices sounded around me, but I had no idea who had me. My eyelids were weighted and refused to open. Carefully, my body was gathered up and gently laid down again. As my consciousness continued to fade in and out, I heard faint, sporadic words with “got you” and “safe” being the only words I caught. The rest, like the voice, were muffled and recognition alluded me. My heart wanted it to be Mason, but my mind knew it couldn’t be. Wouldn’t be.

The last thing I remembered before the darkness completely enveloped me was cringing away from painfully bright lights as someone pried my eyelids open and being jostled so bad the pain took my breath away.

My head was foggy as hell and I was so freaking thirsty. Damn, my eyelids were heavy, like fifty-pound weights were attached to them, but they finally flickered open briefly. I must have been hallucinating the sandy, tousled head of hair resting on the edge of my bed, but before I could blink to see if it was real, my eyes just couldn’t stay open any longer. A warm, calloused hand held mine, and I knew with every fiber of my being it was Mason. So tired though. Just needed to rest my eyes for a teeny tiny bit…

The steady beep of the machines surrounding my bed woke me and my eyes actually cooperated and stayed open. When I looked around, I took in the obvious. I was in a hospital room. In the chair angled next to me, Mason slouched with his head tipped over the back and his mouth slightly open in sleep. His hand held mine on the bed and his booted feet were propped on my bed next to my own. He looked rumpled and his face was no longer clean shaven, but covered in a darker scruff. Why it struck me as funny that his beard was so much darker than his hair, I had no idea, but when my giggle slipped out, I groaned at the sharp pain it caused.

His eyes popped open, and he jolted upright, feet dropping to the ground but never losing his grip on my hand.

“Becca! Oh my God, baby. You’re awake! Shit, I dozed off. I’m so sorry.” His words rushed out of those beautiful lips that my traitorous side was longing to kiss. His eyes were a stormy-looking green, and his hair stuck up every which way. Despite it all, he had never looked sexier… and I had never wanted to escape him more. My heart still hurt from what I saw at that stupid strip club, especially after he had been so self-righteous about cheating back in Vegas.

My faith in him had been demolished, and I felt like I could never trust him again. He made me feel like he had been playing me. Because I loved him with every fiber of my being, it had crushed my heart. Even though I was pretty sure I wasn’t thinking clearly or rationally, I wanted to get up and run as far away as I could.

My attempt to speak came out as more of a croak, and he rushed to press a red button on my bed and then came back to me with a cup of ice chips that he spooned into my mouth. Accepting it with unimaginable gratitude, I almost moaned in ecstasy. The cold ice melting across my tongue was like manna from heaven.

“The doctor said if you woke up to call the nurse and that I could give you ice chips, but that you should only have a few at a time until we know if your stomach will tolerate it.” The look of concern on his face left me feeling confused, and I hated it. I wanted to hate him. I wanted to tell him to leave, but I couldn’t make my mouth say the words. It left me torn between wanting him to hold me and wanting to scream at him to get out. Fatigue had me opting to just have my questions answered.

“How long?” I croaked, hoping he understood I was asking how long I’d been there. He spooned more ice chips toward my mouth, which I readily accepted.

“You’ve been out for nearly five days. There was a small area of bleeding on your brain that resolved itself, but with the swelling added to it, the doctors wanted your brain to rest so it could heal. They just stopped the shit that was keeping you under this morning.”

“What… what did the doctor tell you?” The ice chips were helping moisten my mouth, but I still felt like my voice was rusty. With every word from my lips, my ribs felt on fire.

I prayed the doctor didn’t tell him about the baby. I really prayed I didn’t lose the baby.

I wasn’t ready to tell him yet. I would, but I just wasn’t ready yet.

God, I needed to talk to Steph. I really needed my friend.

“Baby, you were pretty beat up. Luckily, you didn’t have anything broken, but nearly every rib on your right side is cracked. And you had significant head injuries, a bruised kidney…” His voice cracked. “Jesus, baby, it was just so much. I really don’t know where to even begin. I’m so fucking sorry. If I had left you alone, you wouldn’t be here like this. I’m so fucking selfish, I know, but I can’t give you up. Not for anything.” He let out a deep breath and held my hand in both of his, resting it against his cheek.

An older lady in scrubs entered my room and announced she was my nurse and she was pleased to see me awake. She asked me a few questions, took my vitals, asked if I needed anything else, and said the doctor would be in to see me shortly. Nodding my head hurt, so I closed my eyes again.

“Steph. I need to see Steph.” With great effort, I open my eyes and my gaze pleaded with him.

“She’s actually on her way. She’s dropping the babies off at her mom’s, and she’ll be here soon. She texted me earlier as she was leaving their house to see if you’d woken up yet. God, I have been so worried about you, babe. I was so afraid of losing you… especially with the way we left things. We need to talk, baby.”

“Mason, I don’t know.” I felt so discombobulated. My heart was begging me to pull him up into the bed with me, to have him just hold me, but my mind was screaming to tell him to get the hell out of my room. My body felt like I had been run over by a steamroller, but I wanted the comfort of his arms despite being hurt and angry at his betrayal at the strip club, which led to my abduction. The battle between the two sides of my heart was making me dizzy.

“It’s okay. We don’t need to do it now. I don’t want to put unnecessary stress on you while you’re trying to recover. When you get home and are feeling better, we will talk. Okay?” His voice poured over my soul like a healing balm, and I hated my capricious heart.

“Yeah.” It was the most noncommittal answer I could bring to mind.

That was when I heard the one person I’d been waiting for, but I hated the tremor I heard in her voice. My friend had been through so much in the last several years. I hated that I was adding more to burden her.

“Hey, my little hooch.” She was attempting to maintain a sense of normalcy, but I still heard the shaky quality of her voice.

The sterile almost chemical smell of the hospital room was making me slightly ill. My eyes pled with her as I looked briefly at Mason, and I hoped she understood I was asking her to convince him to leave so we could talk.

“Awww, Hollywood, baby, why don’t you go on home and get cleaned up. Now that our girl is awake, I can stay here with her for you. She isn’t going anywhere.” Thank you, thank you, thank, my friend. My eyes closed as I tried to gain control of my thoughts and words.

“No. I’m not leaving her.” He sounded angry, and in surprise, I looked at him. His eyes were turbulent and golden in his anger.

“I’ll be fine, honest. Steph will be here, and she’s right, I’m not going anywhere. Go home, shower, and get a little rest.” Please, please, my mind pled. I needed answers that I could only get from Steph after he was gone.

He appeared to waver in indecision before he got up and kissed me, running his hand along my face before framing it with his hands. He kissed my forehead, whispering, “I love you, beautiful,” and walked to the doorway. “I’ll be back, baby. We can talk a little when I get back,” were his parting words.

“Sure.” I attempted to reassure him so he would leave.

Steph sat next to me in the seat Hollywood had vacated. He looked at us both once more before reluctantly leaving the room. Then we heard his footsteps fade down the hall. Her hand grabbed mine, and I watched as tears filled her eyes and spilled over. Considering it wasn’t that long ago the roles had been reversed, I hated that she had to be here and have this reminder. More guilt on my plate. Heap it on.

“Steph, do you know? Did the doctor say? Oh, God, Steph, I need to know about my baby. The doctor hasn’t come in yet.” Her tears worried me, and my heart began to ache. Praying to God, I just needed to know.

“Becca, honey, I don’t know. The doctors wouldn’t tell me much because I wasn’t family. Hollywood told them he was your husband, so we found out most things through him, but I don’t know what all they told him. Do you want me to go find a doctor or your nurse?” When I nodded, she stood and walked out of the room. The nurse was supposed to be getting the doctor, but she must have gotten side-tracked.

Steph came back with both the nurse and the doctor in tow. Loved my girl. She made things happen. The nurse proceeded to get another temp and recorded another set of vitals off the machines attached to me. Geez, how many times did they do that in a day?

The doctor was a woman with graying blonde hair pulled up in a bun, which wasn’t doing a great job of keeping said hair contained. She was wearing light blue scrubs with a white lab coat and carried a clipboard stuffed with papers. Her kind eyes were complete with laugh lines, and she made me feel more at ease than I had been.

“I’m Dr. Cavanaugh, and I’m pleased to see you awake and talking, Mrs. Kannan. Your friend tells me you have some questions. I’d like to do a quick exam, and then we can talk, if that’s okay.” I nodded to her, anxious to get the answers I needed. She called me Mrs. Kannan; they must have assumed Mason’s last name was Kannan since he said he was my husband when they admitted me. Hell, I wasn’t going to correct her assumption.

Steph left the room to give us privacy as the nurse closed the door and pulled the curtain in the room. She proceeded to check me out head to toe. When she was finished, she asked, “Do you want your friend to come back in or would you rather talk in private?”

“No, I want her here,” I answered, so the nurse went to bring her back in. Steph followed the nurse in and sat down next to me, gathering my cold hand in her warm one as she rubbed soothing circles on the tops of my fingers. My other hand clenched and unclenched in the white, woven cotton blanket.

The doctor pulled up the other chair next to my bed and proceeded to tell me about the damages to my body and how I was fairing as a result. She still hadn’t touched on what I was impatiently awaiting to hear.

“Dr. Cavanaugh? What about my baby? Is it… I need to know…” My throat clogged with tears and a sob hiccupped, unbidden from my lips. When she grew quiet and reached out to hold my rapidly fidgeting hand, I feared the worst.

“Mrs. Kannan… Becca… your baby is fine.” The breath I didn’t know I was holding was expelled in a mix between a laugh and a sob. “I’m not going to lie, we were concerned for the first couple of days, so we didn’t say anything to your husband. When he didn’t ask, we assumed he didn’t know yet.” Her eyes looked at me in question for confirmation of her assumption. My bottom lip held between my teeth, I nodded.

“Your baby’s fetal heart tones were checked this morning when your husband went to get a cup of coffee. They were steady and within acceptable limits. We want to conduct another ultrasound. One was done in the emergency room after your blood tests came back positive on the HCG qualitative, but the dopler wasn’t picking up a heartbeat. Going by the measurements of the baby, it appears you are about thirteen weeks. Does that sound about right to you?” My heart leapt at the thought. Holy crap. I was right, I had gotten pregnant almost right away. What if he thought I did it on purpose? My mind was worrying itself in circles with a million what-ifs flying through it and bouncing off each other.

“Ummm, yeah, that could be possible. In all the stress before I left Council Bluffs and after I got here, I missed a pill… a few times.” Stupid, Becca. Seriously stupid.

“Well, it only takes one, you know. Not to mention, the pill isn’t 100 percent effective… nothing but abstinence really is.” Her laughter was soft and soothing, but did little to calm my nerves as they jumped and fluttered in my stomach. Except it wouldn’t stop. My hand went to my barely raised belly. It was hard, but it hardly seemed big enough for me to be thirteen weeks already. The fluttering came again, startling me, and I let out a surprised, “Oh!”

“Sorry! My nerves are so bad, my stomach is all fluttering.” The outburst was a little embarrassing to top off my distress. My cheeks puffed out, and I blew out my breath.

“Well, actually that could be quickening,” the doctor said, “and with this being your first baby, this could be about the right time for you.”

“Quickening?” What the hell was that? Now I felt really stupid. There wasn’t a chance for me to get any pregnancy books, and I had wanted to make an appointment with a doctor before I jumped the gun. My circumstances had changed all that it seemed, and there was no doubt that I was pregnant now.

“The first time you feel the baby move.” Steph squeezed my hand as she smiled through her tears. “Oh, Becca, isn’t it an amazing feeling?”

My hand continued to rest on my slightly curved belly. I didn’t feel anything with my hand. It had just felt like a goldfish was fluttering in my belly. Or like I had gas. The movement had stopped, and I began to panic a little.

“It stopped! Is he okay? And why aren’t I feeling it with my hand? Does that mean he’s weak? Geez, it seems like it’s been forever since I took any classes on a baby’s development. I admit I didn’t pay great attention to any of the stuff on pregnancy because, at that time, I wasn’t really thinking of having children. I don’t remember any of this.” Alarm was setting in. For someone who never thought they would have children, this tiny little life growing inside me already meant the world to me.

Dr. Cavanaugh smiled as she reassured me that was normal. She pulled a little black box that looked like it had a mini microphone attached to it out of her pocket.

“Just to make you feel better, let’s listen to your little one, okay?” Nodding my head was all I could do as words escaped me. She squirted some gel on me, then placed the microphone-looking thing to the blob of gel, spreading it around until we all heard a steady whoosh-whoosh-whoosh-whoosh. Tears sprung to my eyes.

“Listen to that! Sounds beautiful.” She listened for a few more seconds before she removed the gel with a paper towel and cleaned up her little device.

She told me they would get another ultrasound to ascertain possible issues with the placenta or amniotic sac this afternoon and keep me another night for observation to ensure I wouldn’t have any lingering issues from the sedative I was given. If all was well by morning, I should be able to go home sometime tomorrow afternoon. After I told her I didn’t have any other questions, she excused herself to order the ultrasound. Even though she said it was normal, I wanted to stop on my way home tomorrow to get a pregnancy book.

“Becca, you have to tell Hollywood… today.” Steph’s soft voice broke into my thoughts, causing my heart rate to increase and sweat to break out on my forehead and down my back. My eyes closed and my head fell back to the pillow in resignation. Considering I wasn’t really sure where we stood, I was so afraid this would send him running if he wasn’t happy with my news. Our relationship was so fragile at this point. Getting pregnant had been the last thing I planned, but what if he didn’t believe that? Maybe I could wait just a few more days to see where we were… also, I certainly didn’t want him to want to be with me just because of the baby.

“Becca, did you hear me? And no, you cannot wait any longer. I see those thoughts going through your head as if they are written across your face. He deserves to know. He either wants the baby with you or he can hit the hills, sweetie, but either way, you need to tell him. Trust me on this one. I would know.” Steph’s tone took on a stubborn note, and I knew she was right. It didn’t mean I was happy about it, but I knew I did need to tell him.

WHEN I LEFT THE hospital, I was pissed. Hell no, I didn’t want to leave Becca’s side, but I knew I smelled like ass and I needed to get a few hours of decent sleep. There was a crick in my neck that hurt like a motherfucker from sleeping in that chair by her bed, but I would do it all over again to be close to her.

Maybe I fucked up by not telling her what was going on, but I didn’t want to land my ass in a sling by disclosing club business. Shit. There were now a few things I would have to tell her that she pretty much already knew because of those assholes kidnapping her.

I decided to go to the clubhouse to shower and nap since it was closer to the hospital, and I needed to check in anyway. After checking in with Snow and giving him an update on Becca, I went to clean up.

Trudging into the room I had shared with my woman before we bought our home, I had fleeting memories assail me of wild nights and lazy mornings. Would we ever have that again? Would she forgive me for not telling her what I was working on? Forgive me for not telling her I was at the Shamrock so she wouldn’t follow me or come to the absolute worst conclusion every time?

Sometimes I hated that club business had to be so tight, but I knew that for the safety of every member, and in turn their families, it was important. No matter how much we may believe we loved someone, at any point they could shitcan you or vice versa. Brothers were forever. Bitches, even old ladies, could come and go. Becca was never just a “bitch” to me, but I had to keep everything in perspective.

Who the hell was I kidding? I was fucking insane for her. There was no “perspective,” because I couldn’t tell up from down when I was near her.

My brain knew I needed that shower, but hell if I could summon the energy to make my way to the bathroom. My body crashed on the bed, face down. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t keep the bruised and battered vision of my baby’s face and body out of my mind. By association with me and my club, I had done this to her. Fuck.

There was no one who had ever held my heart in the palm of their hand like she did, and I knew there never would be again, but I couldn’t keep myself from thinking maybe she was better off without me.

Drifting off to sleep, I thought I smelled her fresh scent, and it tortured my body, mind, and soul to be away from her. Despite realizing I should, I had no idea how I would ever let her go.

Thrashing in the bed, screaming, was how I awoke from my fitful sleep. Fucking A. My heart was beating so hard and so fast I thought it would burst through my chest wall. Vivid images of the accident had been running through my dreams, but instead of our interpreter next to me, it had been Becca. Nausea roiled through me at the thought of those images. Shit. Maybe I needed to start taking those damn pills for my nightmares again. Fucking pills. Hated ’em.

The clock on the beat-up stand by the bed read 1400. Shit, I needed to get back to the hospital.

Rolling to my back, I threw my arm over my eyes. Battling with the thoughts in my head wasn’t helping me, so I rolled my ass out of the bed and shuffled to the bathroom. Flipping the shower knob all the way on, I waited for the hot water to make its way to my room. As I undressed, I caught my reflection in the mirror. Despite my recent sleep, I had dark circles under my eyes. Damn, I looked like fucking shit. I took in the scars covered by tats and the ones that weren’t. I was only twenty-eight, but I looked much older at that particular moment, and I felt at least eighty.

The hot water scalded me when I stepped into the shower, and I quickly turned it down before closing my eyes and letting the water run over my head and face. My thoughts assaulted me from all directions, and it was nearly impossible to sort through them all at once. With a roar, I hit the shower wall with both fists, leaving them resting where they landed, and pressed my forehead to the cool tile. Tears, which I tried to deny, ran from my eyes, mixing with the rivulets of water.

AFTER SEVERAL ATTEMPTS TO reach Mason, I gave up and told the doctor to let the ultrasound technician know I was ready. I was disappointed because I had hoped he would be back in time for me to tell him about the baby and for him to be here to see it.

Due to my still “fragile state”—the doc’s words, not mine—the doctor didn’t want me going down to the imaging department and instead was having the tech bring the ultrasound machine to my room. Steph was still sitting with me holding my hand as we watched, but paid little attention to, something on the Food Network. If nothing else, at least I had her with me.

When the ridiculously bubbly tech rolled the machine in and was setting up, the voice I had hoped to hear over the phone boomed from the doorway.

“What the fuck? What’re you doing to my old lady? What’s going on in here?” Shit. Mason had stopped in his tracks a couple steps in the doorway at the sight of the unfamiliar machine in my room. His expression was one of mixed anger and fear. His eyes flitted franticly from the tech to me then Steph. I could tell he was going to lose his shit if I didn’t intervene soon.

“Umm, can you give us a few minutes, please?” My eyes pleaded with the tech and Steph to understand. The poor tech stuttered a “uh, yeah, sure, I’ll just go, uh, to the bathroom, uh, and be back,” before she rushed out of the room, avoiding Mason in all his menacing glory, like the plague.

Steph leaned over and kissed my head and squeezed my hand. Her expression and small, reassuring smile told me to be strong. As she walked past Mason, she placed her hand gently on the leather vest covering his chest. She looked at him, though his eyes were still boring into mine, and gave him a supportive pat before telling us she would be back in a little while.

“Becca? What the fuck? What’s going on? Are you okay?” His voice wavered slightly, giving away the deep emotion he was holding at bay. He still hadn’t moved, and I held my hand out to him, wordlessly calling him to my side. He seemed to shake himself loose and walked closer to me, sitting by my bed before gently gathering me close. Even that slight movement created pain in my ribs, but I ignored it as best I could. My head rested on his shoulder, tucked under his chin, with his arm supporting my back, and I inhaled the familiar smell of leather, cologne, and motorcycle exhaust for fortification.

“Mason….” The rest of the words were lodged in my throat. His one hand smoothed my hair while the other gently squeezed my arm where he held me. Shit, I didn’t know what to say.

“Baby, what is it? What’s going on? Are you okay or not? Did they find something else? Whatever it is, we’ll get through it. You hear me? Together, baby, we got this.” His soothing words calmed me slightly, and I prayed he remembered them after I told him the news. I pushed him back from me slightly so I could look him in the eyes. Where my hand rested on his chest, I felt his heart beating in time with mine.

Who was I fooling? I was still crazy about him. He was my sun and moon. The question was whether he was going to freak when I told him and bolt.

Taking a deep, painfully fortifying breath, I spoke. “The night I was… taken…” Shit, this was hard. “That day when Steph came over…”

“Baby, you’re worrying me. Just spit it out. There isn’t anything we can’t deal with together.” His beautiful light hazel eyes met mine, and before I became totally lost in them, I blurted out what should have been said the same day I found out.

“I’m pregnant.”

Total silence.

Like, I’m talking… crickets. I thought time may have briefly stopped as neither of us breathed, nor did the usual hospital noises intrude from the background. His breath finally escaped in a rush and his eyes closed tight.

“Say something. Please.” His heart raced under my hand, and I felt him inhale a shaky breath. My hand slipped up to cup his cheek, running my thumb along his bottom lip. “Baby?”

“Are you sure? Fuck, Becca, you were hurt so bad. Oh God, what if it… Shit. Holy Crap. Becca. I’m going to be a dad?” His eyes looked to mine in hope, concern, and confusion.

“Yes, I’m sure. And they did an ultrasound when I was first admitted after my labs showed I was pregnant. The doc said everything seemed fine, the heartbeat was strong and steady, but they wanted to get another one to be sure.” I nodded toward the ultrasound machine. “Which is what you walked in on. I tried to call you to see if you were coming back soon. I was really hoping to talk to you before the tech got here so I could see if you wanted to be here for it, or if you wanted to be with me at all. We haven’t really talked, and I wasn’t sure where we stood, let alone how you would feel about a baby. So much has happened, and I was afraid you would be angry, or that you were waiting for me to get better to tell me you decided we were a mistake…” My rushed words trailed off as I ran out of breath.

“Fuck, Becca. How could you think I had changed my mind about you? I love you. You’re my baby girl, and there is no way I would let you go or risk what we have for some skank like Cherry. What you saw was not what you thought, but we can talk about that later. When I first looked at our house, all I could picture was you with our babies in every room I walked through. I wanted to fill that big house with the patter of little feet, and I wanted to plant my babies in your belly as often as I could to show everyone you were mine. Maybe that sounds crazy, but I fucking love you, woman. I’m not letting you go. Ever. You have made me the happiest man in the world with this gift. I’m just sorry about everything that happened to you because of the club, and I pray that you don’t think we, or our baby, are mistakes.” His lips brushed across mine gently, before his tongue pushed its way between my lips to tangle with mine. He leaned back, breaking the kiss, and tucked my hair behind my ear.

“Now where is that tech? Holy Fuck… I wanna see my baby.” His grin was infectious as I felt myself smile.

There were few moments in a man’s life where he truly felt humbled and awestruck. Seeing the little fuzzy image on the screen and hearing someone call it “your baby” would definitely qualify as one of them. Becca was squeezing my hand and covering her mouth with the other as we sat mesmerized, listening to the tech point out the little head, arms, legs, fingers, and toes. It was hard to wrap my head around the fact that I was going to be a daddy, let alone that we had pretty much missed the first three months or so of her pregnancy.

When the tech asked if we wanted to try to see the sex, our eyes collided. Shit. We never even thought about that, but there wasn’t much time to really talk about it.

“Ummm, isn’t it too early to tell?” Becca questioned the tech.

“Well, ordinarily, yes, but this is a 3D Ultrasound machine, and it’s much easier to tell. Well, that’s if you want to know.” The tech looked at me nervously, making me feel bad for scaring the shit out of her when I first came in the room.

“Mason, do you want to know?” Becca bit her bottom lip, and her brow furrowed. Fuck, she was cute. And hell yeah I wanted to know, but not if she wanted to keep it a surprise.

“Well, what do you want?”

“I want to know, but not if you don’t…” Her cheeks took on a rosy blush over the fading bruises. Grinning, I looked at the tech.

“Yes, ma’am… please let me know if I have to worry about one dick in town or all of them. I need to know if I have enough firepower at home.” The pretty tech blushed when I winked at her after my answer. Funny that before Becca, I would have probably tried to get this girl’s number, and now it just felt good that I could still make a female blush, because the only pants I wanted in now were Becca’s. Obviously, I had done a pretty good job of it too, and my swimmers were more potent than her birth control. I laughed to myself.

“Well, Mr. and Mrs. Kannan, it looks like you better pick out some boy names because he definitely has boy parts!” Mentally, I did a fist pump. Nothing got a man feeling incredibly caveman-like than finding out he made a boy. Not that I would have loved a little tiny Becca any less, ’cause I wanted a few of those too, but hell, I needed to make sure I had the big brother first to watch out for assholes messing with his little sisters when I wasn’t around. And I didn’t give a shit that the tech called me by Becca’s last name. We were gonna rectify that, though…

“Fuck yeah!” Okay, oops, that totally slipped out. But hell if I regretted it. I was proud as fuck right about then. Becca was laughing at my antics, and I kissed her loudly on the lips before I kissed her on the top of her beautiful head.

“But are you sure?” I questioned. “It looks awful tiny.” My skepticism crept in upon closer inspection of the still frame she had on the screen with a little arrow with the words “IT’S A BOY!” pointing at the tiniest little stem I had ever seen.

Becca laughed… “Considering he is only about the size of a peapod or a lemon, that’s probably about right, babe.” I looked at her in disbelief.

“Are you serious? How do you even know that? And there is no way. My boy is at least as big as an avocado.” I was trying to be serious in the face of Becca’s uproarious laughter. She seriously had tears leaking from the corners of her eyes, she was laughing at me so hard, and I failed to see the humor in this. This was my son we were talking about.

“Here you go. I printed out several of the pics of little junior for you guys.” The tech was grinning wide as she handed the strip of sepia-colored pictures to us. She appeared to be over being afraid of me and my pissy mood I was in when I arrived back at the room. “I’ll leave you to battle out the particulars of your little man. Congratulations, you two!” As she wheeled her machine out of the room, I snatched the printouts from Becca’s still laughing ass. I shot her a glower intended to make her quit, before studying the pictures closer.

Of course, her ass still laughed.

“Stop it. The nurse said they took your catheter out. You’ll pee yourself, and I’m not cleaning your bed.” In her defense, she did try to hold her laughter in, but when she burst out laughing before she held her ribs and groaned again, I frowned at her in mock annoyance.

“Baby, I love you. And I’m sure he is just fine in his man parts. Now, let me see the pictures of our son.” Whoa. If that wasn’t ice water to the face. Our son. Never thought two little words would hit me with such a gamut of emotion. Happiness. Pride. Love. Fear. Excitement. All just hit the tip of the iceberg. And who knew a little lemon would have my heart so tight in its tiny-fingered grasp?

“Our son. Holy crap. Becca, this is our son. You’re giving me a son. I saw his heart beating. He moved and wiggled. After everything you went through, he’s okay. You kept him safe, baby. Thank you. God, I can’t thank you enough. Shit. I need to call my parents.” At my last words, my beautiful girl’s smile dropped from her face. “Baby? You okay?”

“My parents… shit. I haven’t even really talked to my mom since I’ve been here. I’ve talked to my dad, but not a lot. I don’t want them to know about what happened to me. Please, Mason. Promise me you won’t ever tell them. I’ll tell them about the baby after I get home and I’m all healed up. Okay?” She was grasping my hand in a near death grip. Damn.

We had talked a little about what had happened between her parents and her when she told them she was leaving dickface, and I thought it was fucked up that they wouldn’t be in their own daughter’s corner, but I didn’t say anything at the time.

“Baby, it’s fine. You tell them when you’re ready. And I’ll be here for you when you do. I’ve got your back, baby… always.” After giving her a quick kiss, I pulled out my phone to call my mom. She was going to absolutely shit. My heart raced a little in excitement.

A dad. I was going to be a dad. Fuck me.

It felt like forever since we had entered our own house. Well, shit, I guess it had been quite a while. Honestly, I hadn’t come home once since she’d been taken, because I couldn’t bear to see the memory of her in every room. Yeah, this house was mine, but who was I kidding? It was hers. Totally hers. Just like my fucking heart.

Walking into the bedroom, we set her plastic “patient belonging bags” down on the floor. We could deal with them later. Pretty sure she would want to burn everything in there anyway. She stood looking out the window with her arms wrapped tight around her middle and clutching her sides. Curling my body around hers from behind, I gathered her in my arms and pulled her close. Silence enveloped us as we stood melded together.

My brain was running in crazy circles wanting to know what all had happened to her, yet terrified to have my worst fears confirmed. Instead of pushing her to talk, I allowed her to just absorb my strength as I held her close. Experience had taught me you couldn’t force someone to dump their emotional burdens on you, but it’d also shown me how destructive it could be to compartmentalize one’s feelings and stuff them away in the darkest corners of your mind.

My lips placed gentle kisses at the crown of her silky burgundy tresses and trailed along the side of her neck. This wasn’t an attempt to be sexual, just to connect to her and absorb everything sweet that was just… Becca. When I bent to kiss her shoulder, I felt and saw her break out in a wave of goose bumps as a soft moan slipped from her perfect lips.

“How are you feeling, baby?”

“God, I just want a shower. Join me? Please?” Hell, she didn’t have to ask me twice. She turned in my arms and slipped her hands around my waist. Briefly, her head rested on my chest before she untangled herself from my arms, and I followed her to the bathroom. Allowing her space, I quietly watched as she set the water temperature in the shower and then wasted no time in peeling off my clothes. When I reached for the button of her jeans without thought, she jumped and a startled squeak escaped her. Tremors consumed her body.

“Sorry, baby, I didn’t mean to scare you.” Her pulse raced under my lips as I kissed beneath her jaw. Kneading her tense shoulders, I rested my chin over her head, attempting to ground her. She reached up and covered my hands with her shaking ones.

“No, I’m sorry. It… it startled me, is all. When he…” Her voice trailed off to a whisper, and rage ripped through my soul at the thought of anyone violating her in such a way. The need to kill him with my bare hands nearly devoured me from the inside out.

Guilt consumed me because I knew, deep down, this happening to her was my fault. Her connection to me and the club was the catalyst to her abduction. If she had never come here and gotten involved with me, she would have never been in that position.

Not to mention she was carrying our baby at the time. Had I known, not only the woman I loved but my son as well, were both nearly ripped from me, I may have went out of my mind while we waited. Even now, the thought sent waves of despair over me at what could have happened. My heart felt shredded. As I had done while she was still in the hospital, I told myself she would be better off if I let her go and sent her home to her parents.

Just thinking about losing her nearly brought me to my knees.

No, fuck that. She wasn’t leaving me. She was mine.

She suddenly reached up, cradling my face and pulling my lips to hers. What started as a soft, tentative kiss, quickly evolved into a passionate twining of tongues as we tasted and consumed each other. We broke apart, our breathing coming uneven and gasping. She quickly divested herself of her clothing and backed into the shower, her passion-glazed eyes never breaking contact with mine.

Telling myself I needed to give her time and let her just heal, I closed the door behind me after stepping into the shower with her. Despite my resolutions to keep this detached and to only assist her with strictly showering, our bodies drew together like the strongest of magnets, and our lips connecting was like lightning striking. My hands hesitantly slid down her smooth skin to grab her lush ass in both hands, squeezing her as I lifted her body to mine, and she wrapped her legs around my waist.

Her sudden intake of breath reminded me her ribs were still sore, and I tried to break free and set her down, but she only kissed me deeper with a slight shake of her head as her legs gripped me firmer. My cock was hard and aching to feel her slick heat wrapped tightly around me. It made me feel like the worst kind of asshole.

“Please, Mason,” she whispered. Every tightly clutched shred of resolve I had unraveled, and with a tilt of my hips, I rubbed the tip of my cock in her slick folds before I broke free from our kiss, resting my forehead to hers. My chest heaved with the effort to breathe in enough oxygen to keep me conscious.

“I don’t want to hurt you, baby,” growled out of me. Her answer was to grip my waist even tighter with her legs, raising herself slightly before sliding down and sheathing me deep inside her luscious warmth in one single stroke. No matter how fucked up the world may seem… no matter how fucked up in the head I felt… connected to this woman, I felt centered and invincible.

By the time we were done in the shower, the water had grown cold and we were sated and sleepy. In worshipful silence, I gently dried every gorgeous inch of her body, cataloging every fading bruise and placing loving kisses over each one, before quickly drying myself. Wrapping a towel around her wet hair, I cautiously scooped her up in my arms, climbed in the bed, and held her against me.

My eyes grew heavy after I heard her breaths slow, even out, and deepen. Pulling her closer to my body, careful not to crush her healing ribs, I wrapped her in my arms with her head resting on my chest and one leg curled over my own. Contented, I slipped off to sleep knowing this was exactly where she belonged.

IT HAD BEEN JUST shy of two weeks since I had come home from the hospital. Heavens, it was so good to be in my own bed, but I was sleeping like shit. In my dreams, I relived the torment of being beaten over and over. It was becoming the norm to wake up screaming with Mason holding me and trying to soothe me each night.

Sitting at the table drinking orange juice, I knew I needed to go back to work soon, but I was terrified to leave the house. What the hell was I going to do? There was no way I wanted to give up my job. I loved it. I loved my little kiddos.

A knock at the door had me jumping and spilling my juice in my lap. Shit!

The doorknob rattled and my hands shook as my heart raced, wondering if they were coming for me again. After another several knocks, I slowly crept to the front door. At the sound of Steph’s shout from outside to open the door, my relief was palpable. Fingers trembling, I quickly unlocked the door and opened it with a shaky smile. Steph’s confused look met me as I opened the door fully to admit her, Remi, and Wyatt.

“Hey, you! Let me run and change really quick, I spilled OJ on myself.” Remi ran into the living room to pull out one of the books I kept in a basket for her, and Steph went to sit on the couch with Wyatt. Scanning around outside briefly before I closed and locked the front door didn’t make me feel any better.

I changed quickly into some yoga pants and a tank top and headed back out to join my friend. Since coming home, none of my pants wanted to fit comfortably. Go figure. Time to go shopping, it would appear. Yeah, not looking forward to that.

As I settled in to the couch and held my arms out to a drooling, grinning Wyatt, Steph sat frowning at me. Wyatt was slapping my face and pulling my hair as I looked at her and questioned, “What?” His little chubby knee caught my ribs, and I winced at the brief sharp pain. Damn, were they ever going to heal?

“Your door was locked. Becca, your door is never locked. Hollywood said you also haven’t been sleeping well.” Steph’s expression wavered between concern and confusion as she sat with her arms crossed, impatiently waiting for my response. I had been able to put off anyone visiting since I came home by saying I was still so tired, but it was really because I just wasn’t ready to talk to anyone. It was bad enough I had to tell some of the club members everything I remembered about my abduction.

“Yeah, well, he talks too much. Besides, I now have reason to ensure my home is secure. Complacency is what got me abducted in the first place. I’m just being careful.” I tried desperately to maintain a tone of practicality. I didn’t want to admit to Steph that I was scared shitless to leave my home or to be home alone.

“Becca, do you forget who my husband is? Do you forget who your man is? Do you think Hollywood can’t spot how you’re feeling? Maybe you need to talk to him. You can’t stay holed up in here forever.”

There wasn’t anything wrong with me other than I was a little more nervous than usual. It was pissing me off that it seemed everyone was making more out of this than there really was. I was understandably upset, that was all there was to it. Time was all I needed to just get over it all.

“It’s only been a few days since I came home, but okay, Steph. No problem. I’ll talk to him tonight, if it makes you feel better, okay?” A subject change was in order. “So… we’re having a boy.” I couldn’t hold back my smile. I had wanted to wait to share the news with everyone until I was able to talk with my parents, but I really needed to tell someone, besides Steph was my best friend. Not to mention, I hadn’t had the courage to call my parents and tell them. The way my mom acted about Steph marrying Reaper, I knew she was going to flip a lid when she found out I was pregnant with a “biker’s” baby.

Top it off with us not being married, and that was a recipe for a disastrous conversation with my mother. I also hadn’t wanted to call after what had happened to me because it made me feel like they would just know, and I didn’t want to talk about it. With anyone. Not even Mason, even though I had just promised Steph I would. And especially with a counselor like Mason, Reaper, and Steph thought I needed to.

“What? Oh my gosh! I wanted to be in there, but I knew it was a time for the two of you. I’m so happy for you! Oh! I can save Wyatt’s things for you! Unless, of course, you want to get all new. I mean, it is your first child, so I would totally understand if you don’t want to use hand-me-downs.” At the mention of his name, little Wyatt leaning toward his mom, so I handed him back into her waiting arms. He proceeded to snuggle into her shoulder and chew on his hand, drool running across his fist and down his arm.

“Jesus, Steph… I wasn’t raised to be a snob. I’m not above accepting hand-me-downs for this little guy.” I grabbed a tissue from the side table and wiped up Wyatt’s drool. My hand palmed my belly where my little peanut was safely nestled. Right at that moment, the wiggly goldfish feeling fluttered through me. My laughter bubbled out as my eyes met Steph’s.

“He’s moving?” Steph looked at me with her puppy-dog, yearning eyes and I knew she was remembering this feeling.

“Yeah, he is. I can’t wait until I can feel him kicking from the outside. I want to be able to share it with Mason. We’ve talked a little about what happened that night before… well, you know… and I believe he wasn’t doing anything, but I’m still upset that he didn’t just tell me what was going on so I didn’t feel the need to follow him. Our relationship’s a little precarious, at best, right now. It feels like we have pretty much called a truce for the baby’s sake. I want so bad to believe he loves me and wants a life with me, but he seems content to just let things roll along like they are. It’s so frustrating.” Dang, it was good to have my best friend here to discuss all the crap that had been rolling around in my head since coming home from the hospital. Despite feeling I just needed time, and maybe I did, it was nice to unload a little.

“Good God almighty, that man is insanely crazy for you. I honestly never thought I would see him settle down with one woman, but I’m happy to see he has, and I’m ecstatic that it’s with my best friend, especially considering how close he and Reaper are. It makes it feel like we are truly family now. For a while, I was really getting worried that he would die of some rare venereal disease before he ever settled down!”

Wow. She got my best “did you really just fucking say that?” expression.

“Ummm, well, you know what I mean.” Steph’s face went beet red at the realization of her comments. “But for real, Bec, he loves you. A man doesn’t buy a house like this and move his girl in without having some deep feelings. Not to mention, he never left your side the whole time you were in the hospital.”

“I know, and I keep trying to tell myself all that. He has told me over and over how much he loves me, and I know he was there in the hospital, but what if it’s all just guilt?” Self-doubt was eating me up. The hundreds of what-ifs that bombarded me were tearing at my confidence in our relationship.

“There’s no way that it’s just guilt. No. Way. You need to stop worrying about all this so much. It’s not good for the baby, honey. What do you say we take these two monsters and grab a nice relaxing lunch? Well, as relaxing as it can be with a toddler and a baby. We can go to the Oasis and have something from my new lunch menu…” Steph had bought the Oasis from one of the old ladies in the MC when her husband entered into “retired” status with the MC and they decided to do some traveling. After Wyatt, Steph had hired a manager to take on the brunt of the work, leaving her to have more time with the children. She still created the menus and even cooked some days when the itch to be a chef again struck her.

“Actually, I’m really tired and thought I would take a nap. Maybe next time. Raincheck?” The thought of going out in public had my heart racing, and I grabbed my hair, pulling it into a ponytail to hide the shaking of my hands. “Little Mason must be pushing on my bladder because I really need to pee too. I’m sorry, hon.”

Steph looked crestfallen that I didn’t want to go with her, and I felt bad, but the thought of leaving the safety of my home was worse.

“Then I’ll just stay here and make us all lunch! You can nap afterward. After all, you need to feed that little guy.” Steph popped up from the couch after pointing at my tiny baby bump and placed Wyatt on a blanket on the floor. She set up a little mobile play thing to keep him occupied and stimulated and went to rummage through my pantry and cupboards in search of her latest culinary masterpiece. Of course, the woman could make an award-winning dish with cardboard and bread, so I wasn’t too worried about if I had everything she needed.

“I’ll be right back.” Hastily, I made my exit to the bathroom as I felt my anxiety level increasing, and I was afraid it would develop into a full-blown panic attack in front of Steph and the babies. My back slammed into the back of my bathroom door as I closed it, and I covered my mouth and nose with my cupped hands in an attempt to calm my breathing before I hyperventilated. Tears formed in my eyes, and it felt like I was going to literally fall apart. My body shook from head to toe, and I wondered how I was going to maintain in front of everyone for much longer.

“HEY, REAPER, BRO, DO you have a minute?” Things with Becca had been tense since she came home from the hospital. I was doing my best to remain calm and act like life was normal, but deep inside I knew things were unraveling with her, and if she didn’t get some help, it was going to cripple our relationship. I couldn’t help but think of how Reaper and I handled shit at first, and I didn’t want to see Becca fall into that same rut, especially with our baby growing in her. She was already barely holding everything together, and I knew it was a matter of time before she couldn’t keep everything buried. Of course, every time I mentioned her talking to someone, she got pissed at me.

“Yeah, bro, what’s up?” Reaper wiped his hands on a shop rag and walked toward the cooler for a bottle of water. I grabbed a bottle of water as well and cracked open the lid, taking a long chug of the ice-cold liquid. Leaning against the tool bench along the wall, he drank his water and waited for me to talk.

“Shit, Reaper, I’m really worried about Becca. She’s not dealing well, but she keeps trying to act like there’s nothing wrong, like I can’t spot that shit. We both know she’s not okay, but she refuses to talk to anyone. She’s carrying my baby, bro, and I know this can’t be good for him. Besides how much she means to me, if anything happened to that baby, I don’t know what the fuck I would do. How does a baby I haven’t even seen yet have me so protective and overwhelmed with love for it? It’s got me feeling like an emotional wreck, like I’m growing a fucking vagina, for fuck’s sake!” Setting the bottle down on the bench, I ran my hands through my short hair in frustration.

“Hollywood, bro, trust me, those little munchkins weave a spell around you as soon as you know they’re coming. I don’t know how or why, but they sure as hell do. Has she talked to her family yet? Maybe talking to them will help her work through some of this. If nothing else, planning for the baby with them may help preoccupy her mind. And whoa, hold up! Did you say ‘him’? Did y’all find out it was a boy and you didn’t tell me? Hell, Wyatt and your little guy running around this town together? It may not survive them! Shit, we may not survive the two of them together!”

I couldn’t help but laugh at the visual of our two boys as teenagers.

“Yeah, they’ll be hell on wheels, and no, she refuses to call her mom or dad yet, because she doesn’t want them to know about the kidnapping and assault. You know I get that, but I don’t think it’s healthy either, bro. Not only that, but I feel like she doesn’t want them to know about us, like she’s ashamed of us.” That last was what cut the deepest, and saying it out loud hurt even more. My feelings had never been so deep for another woman in my entire life. Honestly, I didn’t want that before Becca, which was part of the reason I was a love ’em and leave ’em kind of guy. The doubt wasn’t in whether she loved me back, but whether she was proud to love me. Yeah, serious vagina growth going on here. Fuck.

“Hey, fucker, don’t say shit like that. I highly doubt she’s ashamed of you, but you have to admit, she has faced a lot of crazy shit since she got here. I can see why she wouldn’t want to tell her parents everything and risk having them think she made a bad choice in coming up here, but I don’t think that involves the choice she made with you. That woman is crazy about you, bro. Trust me. All I fuckin’ hear from Steph is how Becca ‘gushes’ over you.” I couldn’t help but laugh at seeing Reaper roll his eyes and make the quote signs with his fingers as he said the word “gushes.”

My humor was short-lived, however, because reality crashed down on me, and I still couldn’t help but feel like she was ashamed of me. Part of me, with the heart of stone, said fuck her if she was ashamed of me. The other part of me ached at the thought that maybe I really wasn’t good enough for her. No matter how I tried to be the happy-go-lucky guy everyone thought I was, I knew I was still broken inside. Sometimes, I was still seriously fucked up in my head—I was just good at keeping it buried deep.

“She was supposed to go back to work this Monday, but she called her boss and told him that she was taking an unpaid leave of absence due to ‘issues with her pregnancy.’ She couldn’t understand why that pissed me off. That’s like inviting bad juju and shit, for one. For the other, I know how much she loves her students, and I think it would have been good for her to be around them again.” I finished off the last of my bottle of water, which had started to grow warm. As I pushed off from leaning on the tool bench, I crushed the water bottle, screwed the lid back on, and tossed it into the nearby recycle bin.

“Steph said she was heading over to y’all’s house today to drag Becca out for lunch. Hopefully, she was able to talk to her. When Steph went through her shit, her counselor was great. Maybe she can get Becca to make an appointment with her.”

Steph had been stalked, kidnapped, and tortured by her ex-boyfriend before Reaper had been able to rescue her. It was a tough time for them, but she had made it through with the love, help, and support of Reaper and her family.

“Maybe you could ask her to bring it up if she wasn’t able to today. Anyway, thanks for listening to me bitch, Reaper. I think I’m going to clean up my area and call it a day. I’m going to go home and talk to Becca. Maybe I can get somewhere with her. If nothing else, I can make sure she knows I’m here for her.” I wasn’t going to lose her. No fucking way. The problem was, I could feel her slipping away from me little by little.

Hacker entered the garage, making a beeline for us. My chin tipped up in acknowledgement.

“What’s up, bro?” Reaper greeted him.

“You got a minute, Hollywood?” The grim expression on his face had me curious, and my senses were pinging.

“Yeah, sure. Talk to me while I clean up?” At his affirmative nod, I began to put my tools and supplies away.

“Remember when you asked me to look into those pictures and shit that were posted on Becca’s school back in Council Bluffs?” I nodded. “Well, I figured out where it all originated.”

That had me stopped in my tracks. “Yeah?”

“Yeah. It was her piece-of-shit ex. He e-mailed the pics on her laptop to himself, and even though he deleted the e-mails from her computer, he didn’t count on me. He’s pretty good at hacking into simple stuff like social media sites, but he’s got nothing on me. The dumb shit left a trail a mile long leading right to his digital door.” That had him grinning. “Found e-mails he had with another computer geek about how he was sure it would make her go running back to him.”

“Oh really? So maybe we need to return the favor to him? Just don’t ruin him too bad—after all, his actions brought her to me. And you’re a computer geek your damn self!” I laughed.

“No. I prefer computer genius. Do I look like a geek to you?” He held his tatted arms out to his sides, and I had to admit he was a buff motherfucker and about the furthest thing from a geek as there was. Laughing again, I shook my head at him and pitched a cleaning rag his way.

“You definitely don’t fit the stereotype, bro,” I agreed. My grin lasted until he gave me a mock salute and headed back toward his room.

That piece-of-shit asshole, Trevor, pissed me off because he hurt Becca, and for that I wanted to dot his eye, but I couldn’t hate him because he unwittingly chased her into my arms instead of his. Between the number he pulled on her and the shit she had gone through thanks to the fucking Demon Runners, my baby was broken. Maybe I couldn’t completely fix myself, but I would do everything in my power to fix her.

“Daddy!” My heart gave the same familiar lurch when Reaper’s little girl, Remi, came running in with pigtails flying. Her little red converse shoes patted on the floor as she barreled into him. He scooped her up and spun her giggling bunch of preciousness in circles before plating a big kiss on her cheek. Her little arms wrapped tight around his neck as he stood next to me watching Steph approach him holding their stout little chunker, Wyatt. He had her blonde hair clenched tight in both chubby fists trying to shove it in his mouth despite Steph working diligently to get it loose of his grip.

God, I wanted that someday. Now it would seem it was becoming a reality. That was if I could get Bec through all this shit. Fuck, I was worried about her.

“Hey, beautiful. You see Becca today?” I kissed her on the cheek, earning a growl from Reaper. Laughing, I took Wyatt from her arms. I loved fucking with Reaper’s possessive ass, especially since we both knew it was in fun and there were no worries.

“Yeah, hon. The kiddos and I had lunch with her. She seems to be doing okay, but she still seems a little… off. I tried to convince her to talk with my therapist, but I don’t know how successful I was. Maybe mention it to her when you get home.” Nodding, I kissed little Wyatt on his cheek and handed him back to his momma. Lastly, I patted Reaper on the shoulder, and he gave me a hug.

“Thanks, babe. I gotta finish cleaning up so I can get out of here. Talk to you guys later.”

After everything was in its place, I walked out to my bike. Tossing a wave to Reaper, Steph, and some of the other guys who were heading out or into the back toward the clubhouse, I shrugged on my cut, straddled my ride, and started her up. Her rumble briefly soothed my soul, and I closed my eyes for a second to just simply feel before I revved the throttle, nodded my chin to the guys, and peeled out of the lot.

The ride home was short, but hell if I didn’t still enjoy it. I shut off my stereo and let the wind, the hum of the tires on the asphalt, and the throaty rumble of my pipes all converge into my perfect form of meditation. The phrase “wind therapy” was not an incorrect rationalization for the feeling riding gave me.

As I pulled into the driveway, I stopped at the entrance for a moment to absorb the view of the house I had bought for Becca, our home. The love I felt for her rushed over me, and I knew I needed to get her to agree to seeking help so we could move forward for our baby boy.

After taking a fortifying breath, I glided up in front of the garage and came to a stop, pushed the kickstand down, turned the front wheel, and shut my bike off. The ticking of the motor followed me as I walked up the porch steps.

The house was quiet as I entered, and I tried to keep my noise level down so I didn’t wake her. Lately, she had been so tired. Maybe I should plan a little getaway for us this weekend and take her out to the lake and rent one of the little cabins out there. We could have some alone time together. I dropped my keys on the table and wandered over to the couch.

After pulling my boots off and setting them at the end of the couch, I stood and walked to the bedroom. The door was open and the light was off, but there was no Becca lying in the bed. The bathroom was empty as well. So, she wasn’t relaxing in the bedroom or the bath, maybe she was working on the rooms upstairs. I called out her name, and it seemed to resonate portentously in the empty house. She didn’t answer, so I began to systematically search the house room by room, though deep down I knew I wasn’t going to find her here.

Thumping down the steps, I told myself she must have decided to go out somewhere after all. My assumption that her car was in the garage must have been erroneous. I was surprised, but hopeful that she was coming around. When I pulled my phone out of my back pocket and dialed Becca, it went straight to voice mail. She must have left her charger behind again. She was always doing that despite me riding her ass about keeping one in her purse. It scared the shit out of me to think of her out there and not having a way to call for help or for us to find her if, God forbid, she found herself in another situation like before.

My next call was to Steph to see if Becca had called her or stopped by. As the phone rang, I walked back through the living room toward the kitchen. Passing the table, my gaze caught on a piece of paper I had missed when I came in and tossed my keys down. I began to read the note Becca left as I walked toward the kitchen for a beer.

The words seemed to crowd in my vision as I disconnected the call. My hand fisted around my phone, and the hand holding the paper clenched until the paper was no longer readable. My heart pounded and my breath caught before I launched my phone across the room, shattering it against the wall and leaving a dent in the sheetrock. It took me a few seconds for it to register that agonized cry I heard came from deep in my soul.

I drove like a raving lunatic down to Reaper and Steph’s. My bike tore up the driveway, skidding to a stop and throwing small bits of loose asphalt as I reached the end of the driveway. Mind racing, my chest heaved with the inability to catch enough air in my lungs. I felt disconnected and my hands shook as I climb the stairs of their porch and banged on the door.

“Hollywood—” Steph started to greet me with a smile that quickly disintegrated as she took in my disheveled and frantic appearance.

“Where is she? Is she here?” In my anger and unraveled state, I barged into the house yelling Becca’s name. Reaper came from the living room with a beer in his hand as I was pushing past Steph.

“Bro, what the fuck? I love you, but if you touch my wife like that again, you’ll be picking your ass up off the floor. That’s if you get up at all.” Reaper looked at me with a mix of anger and astonishment in his ice blue eyes. My brain registered what he said, and I looked to Steph as understanding of my behavior sank in.

“Steph, babe, I’m… I’m sorry. My mind is not thinking right. Is she here?” Steph glanced to Reaper and held a hand up to him before looking me in the eye.

“What are you talking about? Becca? She was home and said she was going to take a nap when I left after lunch. Did you call her?” Steph looked at me with concern in her eyes. I had no idea if that concern was for Becca or me and my insane, unfamiliar behavior.

“Yes, of course I tried to call her. I just got voice mail.” I shoved the crumpled letter at her because I didn’t trust myself to speak more than I had. My brain felt on the verge of shutting down. Goddammit this was why I had never wanted to share my heart. Moisture battled behind my rapidly blinking eyes, and my hands gripped tightly in my hair as I slid down the wall to sit on the floor. She didn’t have to read the letter out loud. It was burned in my memory already.

Mason,

I’m so sorry for handling things this way. You deserve better than this, but I need to get away. It’s just all too much right now, and I need to get my head straight. Please don’t try to find me, because I know you will, but I need some space to think. No matter what I decide, I won’t keep your son from you, but I can’t be there right now. Maybe ever. I just don’t know. When I can, I’ll be in touch.

Please know that I love you with all my heart, but I just don’t know if that is enough. My mind is all over the place. I feel like I’m unraveling, and I can’t put this on you while I try to get myself right. Take care of yourself.

Becca

“Oh my God, Hollywood. I’m so sorry. I didn’t know. She didn’t say anything about this to me today. I swear.” She handed the crumpled-up note to Reaper before crouching down next to me. Her hand rested on my shoulder, and my agonized eyes met hers as I tried to figure out how I was going to just let her go. Despite telling myself it would be for the best, I couldn’t do it. She was mine, and I loved her. Now I just needed to find her and show her she was stronger than she thought and we were even stronger together.

MY MIND CONTINUED TO aimlessly wander as I stared out the window at the fields rushing by. The sky was so blue and the clouds were obscenely soft looking. They tempted me to reach up and try to grab ahold of them. The whine of the diesel engine lulled me into a peaceful stupor. My father was casting surreptitious glances my direction, but respected my fragile state for now and remained quiet.

He had called me shortly after Steph left with Remi and Wyatt and told me he was driving through. Imagine his surprise when I asked him to come by the house to pick me up and then when I walked out of my house with a bag in hand and climbed in his truck. Something told me he wasn’t expecting me to go with him, even though I had asked him to get me.

Surprise, Dad!

He had met Mason once when he stopped on his way through town with a load on his way to Minneapolis. We had all had lunch, but I had introduced him as Mason and never mentioned that he was a member of the local MC. After my mother’s reaction to Reaper and Steph, I just didn’t want to give her a reason to call me and remind me how much I had disappointed her. Again.

My dad and Mason seemed to get along really well and had talked Army and classic cars through the entire lunch. As I hugged him goodbye that day, I had asked him not to mention Mason to Mom because I didn’t want to endure her million questions about him and our relationship.

So, I knew he was dying to ask me what had happened and why I was heading down the highway with him. When I could pull the words together, I would talk to him, but at that moment, it was all I could do to hold myself together. As the miles continued to fly by, I felt myself drift off to sleep. My dreams were filled with the scent and feel of Mason wrapped all around me.

The truck coming to a stop woke me from my blissfully diverting dreams. For a moment, I was disoriented, until I remembered making the impulsive decision to leave with my truck driving father after he called. After hanging up with my dad, I had scratched out a hasty note to Mason and thrown a little bit of the clothing that still fit me and a few toiletries in a small duffle bag then raced out the door when my dad pulled up. At the time, it seemed like the perfect solution to my problems. Now I wasn’t so sure, but I told myself the time away was going to do me good.

“Hey, Becca-girl, you sleep good? You can go lay in the back if you want to stretch out. I just need to fill up and stretch these old legs and we’ll be back on the road. No pressure, sweetheart, but I’m heading into South Dakota with a load I’m dropping off tonight and then taking a load back down to Nebraska. After that, I was heading home for a few days. So, when you feel like talking, you need to let me know if you’re coming home with me or what your plans are. Okay?” My gaze flickered over to my father, taking in his full, red beard with the gray weaving through it. A small, fleeting smile crossed my face at the memories of being a little girl and braiding his beard. My bear of a father was such a gentle giant my whole life, and he never let me forget I was the best thing that ever happened to him.

“I know, Daddy. Thank you.” The truth was, I didn’t really know what the hell I was doing. Guilt was beginning to eat away at me for my cowardly escape. Mason didn’t deserve what I had done. God, I fucked up. Making a mental note to call him after my dad and I talked, I rested my head back on the seat and stared listlessly out the window. My dad slipped out a frustrated sigh, climbed down from the driver’s seat, and began to pump fuel in his truck. He climbed back in and pulled forward to park his truck in preparation to go inside the truck stop. Once he backed in to an empty spot, he started to get out of the truck.

“I’m pregnant, Dad.” It was a soft whisper, and I wasn’t sure if he would even hear me. I just needed to get it out. Silence greeted me, but I knew he was still facing me as he had begun to step down and froze.

“Becca?” My dad’s strong, gruff voice quivered as he said my name. Tears streaked down my cheeks in wavering rivulets, and my breath came in shaky bursts. My hand covered my mouth as if it could hold in my silent sob. What I had always imagined as a happy, excited time in my life, which would be shared with my parents in a moment of joy, was blurted out in emotional strife. After all, my parents were going to be grandparents; I was going to be a mother. This should be a time of celebration and happiness, right?

My father had yet to move, and I knew he was waiting for confirmation of what he thought he heard. It felt like an impossibility to turn my head and meet my father’s eyes. Shame flooded me. Not because I was pregnant and not married. Not because the father of my child was a biker. Shame because I had waited so long to tell them and because I was being a coward by running. Once again.

“Yeah, Dad. You’re going to be a grandpa…” Slowly turning my gaze to him, I worried my bottom lip with my teeth. “The baby is Mason’s.” Well, that was dumb and obvious, I supposed.

“Well… Becca… honey. I, uh, I don’t know what to say. The thought of becoming a grandfather warms my old soul, Becca-girl, but you don’t seem happy, and… well… you’re here with me and that baby’s father is back in Grantsville. Do you want to come in and have a cup of coffee with me and we can talk? Damn, you really know how to catch an old man off guard, sweetheart. Give an old man a little warning before dropping bombs like that.”

A blubbering laugh escaped my lips briefly at my dad’s ability to bring humor to my moment of recklessness. Today I had acted without thought. My impulsive decision to leave was affecting not just me, but Mason, my friends, my family, and my unborn baby, whom my hand rested softly over. Steph didn’t even know where I had gone, or the I had gone at all.

Incapable of words at that moment, I just nodded and climbed out of the truck. My feet shuffled in trepidation, like a prisoner off to the gallows, as I made my way around the truck to face my father. Damn, I hated the thought of disappointing my dad. As I came face to face with the man I loved more than life itself and who loved me unconditionally, I expected disappointment to emanate from him, but I saw only worry and love as he held his arms wide open for me to fall into.

“Daddy…” My sobs broke through, and I stood in a busy truck stop soaking my dad’s red plaid shirt with tears that wouldn’t stop as he held me, smoothing my hair and whispering soothing words of comfort into my ear.

I WAS EXHAUSTED AS I pulled my bike up in front of the rust-colored house with scattered spots where the paint was peeling away from the siding. White trim surrounded the windows and the porch. The yard was well kept and the flower beds were meticulous. The breeze coming off the lake felt good as it blew gently through my hair, which stood on end after I pulled off my helmet.

By the time I got Becca’s parents’ address out of Steph it was after seven. Another three hours to get here, and it was now after ten at night. Was it too late to knock on the door? I hated to be a dick and wake up Becca’s parents, but I didn’t think I could wait until tomorrow to see her. Deep inside, I knew she had run home. There was nowhere else I could imagine her going, and believe me, I searched. Hacker had checked her credit card and bank card for activity, but nothing.

It ripped me in two to think she ran from me, that she didn’t have the faith or trust in me to wait and talk to me, but I wasn’t going to give up on her. For about two seconds, my anger turned me defensive and I was pissed at her and told myself, if she didn’t want to be with me, then fuck her, but deep down I knew that was bullshit and I would die fighting to keep her. Some things in life were worth fighting for. My family was one of those things.

After I set my helmet up on top of my right mirror, I swung my leg off my bike and stood looking at the front door of the house. Stretching out my tired muscles, my eyes glanced briefly at a weather old “Semi Parking Only” sign. Becca’s dad’s sign. The one her dad boasted she bought him when she was a young teen. Her father was a big, gruff dude, and he and I hit it off right away the day we had lunch with him. I hadn’t met her mom, but with a nervous breath, I knew that was about to change.

Placing one heavy foot in front of another, I moved closer to the door. My fist raised and knocked three short raps on the door. Silence met my knocks. My fist was raising to knock again, when the porch light flicked on and I heard movement on the other side of the door. The door opened with the chain still in place, and Becca’s green eyes in the face of an older woman with blonde hair looked at me with reservation.

“Mrs. Kannan?”

“Yes?” She continued to look at me with question and suspicion in her eyes.

“Ummm, my name is Mason. I’m…” I didn’t even get the rest of the words out before the door slammed shut. Well fuck. Then I heard the scrape of the chain and the door flew open.

“Oh my God. You’re Becca’s man! Come in, come in!” Becca’s man… why did I love the sound of that so damn much? She ushered me in and motioned for me to follow her into the kitchen. My eyes took in my surroundings, out of habit, and I noticed a comfortable and extremely neat home. In my mind, I pictured Becca running through the house at various stages of her life. Unbidden, I felt a smile take over my face.

“I made a chocolate cream pie today. Would you like a slice? Sit down, sit down! Make yourself at home.” She bustled around the kitchen, pulling out small plates, cups, and silverware. Evidently, no answer was a “yes” for Becca’s mom. She sliced a healthy piece of pie and set it in front of me. “What can I get you to drink?”

“Water, please, ma’am.” Becca must have gone to bed, so I settled in to visit with her mother while she rested. Now that I had made it here, there was time for me to talk to her in the morning. Since she hadn’t been sleeping well, maybe being safe in her childhood home would give her the peace she would need to sleep well.

“‘Ma’am’? Oh hell, don’t make me feel old! Please, call me Gina. I must say, you made quite an impression on Rob, my husband. He spoke very highly of you, and that doesn’t happen very often. Becca is the apple of his eye, and I don’t think anyone has ever been good enough for our girl in his eyes.” She smiled at me, causing small creases to form around her bright green eyes. “Now tell me, what do I owe the pleasure? Did you have business in town? Is Becca coming too?”

“Wait. What? She’s not here?” My heart began to pound as adrenaline pulsed through my veins. I thought for sure she had headed here. My fork dropped next to my plate and my appetite disappeared like a wisp of smoke.

“Here? Why would she be here, Mason? She has a new job and well… you now. I can’t lie to you and tell you that it hasn’t torn me up inside that she rarely calls me anymore, but I know she needed time to get past her anger with me. I really only wanted what I thought was best for her. She’s my only baby, you know. I just want her to be settled and happy.” Her face showed grief, and it aged her immediately, though it didn’t diminish her beauty. It was easy to see where Becca had gotten her stunning looks from. Her mother was an attractive older woman.

“Mrs. Kannan—Gina, Becca left earlier today. She, well, I guess we had a falling out, and I thought she came here. Steph gave me your address, and I got here as quickly as I could. You haven’t talked to her? She’s not answering her phone to me. She’s having, ummm, a hard time, and I thought she came here to ground herself again.” My hand mussed my hair as it ran absently through it. Her expression told me she hadn’t spoken with Becca and had no idea what I was talking about.

“Mason, she hasn’t called me in ages now. She’s definitely not here. Wait, let me call Rob, maybe he’s talked to her. Unfortunately, he tends to talk to her more than I do lately.” She appeared sad. Then she jumped up and grabbed a cell phone from the counter by the back door. My patience was wearing thin, and my anxiety was rising by the minute.

Where the fuck are you, Becca? I tried to utilize the breathing exercises my shrink had me try way back when, but it wasn’t really helping.

“Rob? Have you heard from Becca? Mason is here because he thought she was here. Now I’m starting to get worried…. What? What the hell, Rob? Why didn’t you call me?…. Okay. Sure, hon, I understand. She’s okay, though?…. Okay, yes, baby, I’ll keep him right here.” Her eyes met mine, and her eyebrows raised at me as if she was daring me to argue. My hands raised in mock surrender. “Yes, I love you too. Okay, I’ll see you late tomorrow morning. Drive safe.” She pressed the end button and set her phone down on the table.

“What did he say? Is Becca okay? He talked to her?” I wanted to shake her, but I was trying desperately to hold my shit together. Patience was waning fast with me, but it wasn’t her fault.

“She’s with him now.” Relief flooded through me. “He couldn’t call earlier because she has been awake and upset. She just dozed off, and he hadn’t had a chance to call me. He told me to keep you here if it meant I had to tie you to a chair. Do you want to tell me what that is all about?” Her expression was one I had seen my own mother use when she was waiting for me to explain my actions after I got in trouble for some wild stunt or another as a kid.

“Gina, I think we need to let Becca fill you in. She wouldn’t appreciate me running my mouth, and I am so tired I can barely think straight anyway. Now, if you trust me enough that I won’t leave town after driving all this way to find her, I’m going to try to get a hotel room.” Wearily, I rose from the table. Her hand shot out and grasped mine.

“Nonsense. I have two spare rooms, well, one is technically still Becca’s, but either way, they are both available. You can stay here, and I’m not taking no for an answer. It’s not that I don’t trust you, but you may as well be here when she gets here. Okay?” Her expression brooked no argument.

“If you’re sure. I don’t want to burden you or anything.” Her eyebrow raised, and I tiredly smiled at her tenacity. “Okay, I’ll go grab my bag from my bike, and I’ll be right back in.” When I stood, she followed suit and then embraced me. It was a little awkward at first, but she grasped my upper arms in her hands as she pulled back, and I saw her eyes glisten with unshed tears.

“No burden at all. Rob told me how happy you’ve made our girl. She may not believe me, but I’ve only ever wanted the best for her. While I’m not a big fan of those crazy bikes you and your friends ride, I really just want my baby girl to be happy. Please don’t let me down.”

“No, ma’am—um, Gina. I sure don’t intend to.” Becca and I had a lot to discuss when she got here. First thing being that she was not ever running off on me again. The next being where we went from here. One thing I knew for sure was that Becca and our son were everything to me and she was coming home with me. There was no way I was taking no for an answer, and if I had to stay here to convince her, I would stay as long as it took.

Sleeping in Becca’s childhood bed without her left me with one of the worst night’s sleep in a long time. Should have slept in the spare bed, but I thought being in her old bed would make me feel closer to her as I slept. Unfortunately, my nightmares haunted me each time she wasn’t physically there to ground my soul. The only problem with her winding herself so deep into my heart and soul was she also became leverage for my demons. My dreams were filled with images of her being part of all the worst memories of my military missions. That was something that really fucked with my head.

So, it was no wonder I woke feeling like I had been in a cage fight all night. Between hauling ass down here on my bike, staying up talking with her mom all night, then add my restless sleep to the mix, and I was sucking when I rolled over and literally fell out of the full-sized bed. Fuck, I missed my king-sized bed I shared with her.

The smell of bacon cooking led me straight to the kitchen, and I had to look at the time to see if I had inadvertently slept in too late. I was usually an early riser, but after the night I’d had, it wouldn’t have surprised me. It would seem Gina was an even earlier riser than me.

Gina was piling bacon onto a plate lined with paper towels, and she looked up as I walked in the doorway. Another plate was full of scrambled eggs, and the toaster popped up just as she moved the pan from the burner and turned off the stovetop.

“Good morning, Mason. Sleep well?” she asked.

“Yes, ma’am. Thank you.” No way was I telling her about my night. Some things you just didn’t go sharing with everyone.

“Now what did I tell you about that ‘ma’am’ business, young man?” She gave me a stern look as she held a clean plate out to me. “Help yourself. I’m pretty sure you didn’t feed yourself before heading down here, so you must be hungry.”

“Hungry? Yes, ma—uh, I mean, Gina. I could eat, that’s for sure. Thank you.” Accepting the plate she gave me, I motioned for her to dish up her plate first. “Ladies first.”

Her cheeks flushed and she shook her head at me but added food to her plate. “Coffee is in the pot over there on the counter.”

Filling the cup she’d left sitting by the pot, I inhaled the rich smell of the dark coffee before carrying the cup and my plate to the table and having a seat. We ate in companionable silence for a bit before I asked, “Did Rob say what time he expected to arrive?”

“He has to drop his current load in Lincoln at about seven, so by the time he unloads, drives here, drops the trailer off at the shop, then bobtails back here, I’m guessing about ten at the latest.” She sipped her coffee. “So, it may be my husband’s place to ask this, but may I ask what your intentions are with my little girl? You two have been living together, and she hasn’t talked to me much, so I wasn’t sure… well… Look, it has really bothered me that things between her and I have deteriorated. I’m not sure what all she told you about it.” Her eyes stayed trained on the cup she held cradled in her hands.

“So, first answer, I don’t plan on letting her get away from me, and I’m hoping she’ll make an honest man of me.” I grinned, and she looked up at me and laughed. That was better. “Second, she didn’t really get into details, just that you disagreed with her decision to leave that ass—uh, the guy she was dating.” Shit, my mouth was gonna ruin me with Becca’s mom if I wasn’t careful. She probably wouldn’t understand what years of working combat arms in the Army, being in the Ranger Bat., and then the last few years surrounded by bikers did to your language. Either way, they were both men’s worlds, but come to think of it, I needed to watch my mouth anyway, or my boy’s first word was going to be shit, fuck, or asshole.

“Trevor was a nice guy, and I can’t lie and tell you I wasn’t disappointed when they split, but I’ve had time to think about it, and never in a million years would I want her to stay in a relationship that didn’t make her happy. And I would say that about the two of you as well. I’m not just saying that because they ended. Mason, she’s my little girl. The only one I had and the only one I’ll ever have. When I said I want her happy, I meant it.” She had just stood to take her plate to the sink when there was a knock on the door.

We both looked at the clock and she said, “It’s definitely too early for it to be Rob and Becca. I’ll be right back.” Finishing my coffee, I nodded then took my plate to the sink. Her voice murmured at the door with whoever was there, then I heard the other voice raise, before she yelled, “Trevor!” in shock.

Spinning to face the kitchen doorway, I prepared for the footsteps I heard heading my way.

“Who the hell are you?” A man about my height with dark brown hair and squinted eyes shouted as he entered the kitchen. “I saw a bike out front, and I knew there was no one they knew who had a bike. So, who are you and what the hell are you doing here? Gina! Is Becca messing around with this piece of shit? Is that why you wouldn’t tell me where she was?” he yelled at Gina.

This motherfucker was about to get up close and personal with my fist if he didn’t stop where he was, but nope, he had to keep closing in on me. If there was one thing I could say about myself, it was I didn’t like being cornered, and I sure as shit didn’t like people I didn’t know getting up in my personal space.

“Dude, you might want to stop right there. I don’t fucking know you, and you sure as shit don’t need to raise your voice to Gina or me unless you want your fucking ass kicked.” There goes my mouth again. He may have been my height, but he was a skinny asshole. Some might call him “lean,” but I liked to tell it like it was—he was a scrawny bastard. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind I could take him blindfolded, but I would prefer it not be in Becca’s parents’ home.

He bristled at my words and stuck out his chest, trying to look tough. Damn, what the fuck had she seen in this dumbass? Shaking my head and laughing at him, because I knew that would piss him off more than words, I reached over to the door going to the backyard from the kitchen.

“Why don’t we go outside to talk like men. This doesn’t really concern Gina.” Talking wasn’t exactly what I had in mind, but I figured if I asked him to come outside so I could kick his ass, he probably wouldn’t be too keen on that. Gina stood out in the front hall looking in the kitchen with her phone clutched tight to her chest. Man, I hoped she didn’t call the cops, because I wanted to deal with this asshole myself. Catching eye contact with her, I gave a slight shake of my head for her not to do or say anything.

As he advanced on me, I reached behind me and opened the door, backing out onto the back patio. Let him think I was backing away from him because I was afraid. Stupid prick. I was afraid of no man.

Making sure I was plenty far from the house and any patio furniture that would get in the way, I braced myself for the attack I knew this dumb fucker was going to try.

“I don’t know who you are, but what I do know is you’re nothing but trash, and it’s only a matter of time before Becca comes back to me where she belongs. Just because she and I had a falling out, don’t think things are over with us. She loves me. We’ve been together too long for her to just throw us away. By the looks of you and that crappy bike, you will never be able to provide for her like I can,” he sneered. Goddamn, this guy was completely delusional.

“Look, buddy, you’re fooling yourself if you think you have a snowball’s chance in hell at Becca going back to you. She fucking lives with me. Sleeps in my bed every fucking night. Not to mention, the stupid shit you pulled with posting those pics sealed the deal. Were you really dumb enough to think that was going to make her go running back to you?” Laughing and shaking my head at him in an attempt to egg him on, I watched him closely for the moment he snapped. Aaaaaand there it was.

He charged me.

What I wasn’t expecting was the dumbass to have a gun that he pulled out and pointed at me before he ran toward me with it pointing right at my head. Well, this fucker just made things interesting. My piece was tucked neatly in the back waist of my pants, but he was unstable and I didn’t want my movements to cause him to shoot my ass. Why me, Lord, why me?

“Whoa, man, what the hell? There’s no need for that shit. We’re at Becca’s family’s home. You don’t want to do this here.” Both of my hands were held up where he could see them. You know, kind of like I was surrendering, which I sure as shit wasn’t. Trevor lurched and pointed the gun at me with a shaking hand until it was within inches of my nose. Jesus, it was dumbasses like this tool that gave guns and people with concealed carry licenses a bad name.

“Shut up! We’re going to leave here. You’re going to come with me, and you’re not going to try anything funny,” he spat out at me.

Okay. Right. Time out. So, let me explain something to you. I was a little crazy, right? Hell, ask the VA. “Reckless behavior, PTSD, non-compliant, poor decision making,” blah, blah, blah… Not all true, but a semblance of truth in it all. Anyway, not all of my decisions were the best, but I’d be damned if someone was going to threaten me, and not only that, but do it in my girl’s family’s fucking backyard. So, I kind of made a dumb decision here. Sorry.

“Fuck off,” I sneered at him. Right before I punched him square in the face.

Thankfully, it worked out in my benefit, and when blood sprayed from his nose, he reached up—gun still in his hand, by the way—to cover it with both hands. So, I flat-hand shoved the side of the gun into his already broken nose, twisted it out of his hand, and punched him in the gut. That was enough to drop him down to his knees before I kicked him backward.

He was rolling around on the ground crying and holding his nose like the little pussy he was. When Gina pushed out through the screen door, I was bent over slightly with the gun still clutched in my hand, my other hand resting on my knee.

“Oh my God, Mason! Trevor! What the heck are you two doing?” she exclaimed in shock.

“Ma—I mean, Gina, now would be a good time to call the police, unless our friend Trevor wants to just call his behavior stupid and leave. For good.” Please say you’ll leave, fucker. I really didn’t want the fucking cops there, but the asshole took things a little far, and I didn’t want someone getting hurt by this lunatic. If we had been anywhere but there, I would have beat the ever-loving shit out of him.

“I’ll go. I’ll go! Leave the cops out of it. I’ll lose my job if you call the cops. It’s bad enough that I’m on administrative leave because I got hacked and all my shit is fucked up. They’ll fire me for sure if you call the cops.” The pussy whined like a baby. Fucker should lose his job, but I just wanted him gone and out of Becca’s and my life for good.

“Then take your stupid ass and get out of here. If you so much as drive by this house, they will be calling the cops on your ass. You get me?” I did my very best not to kick him square in his head with my boot. If Gina hadn’t have been out there, I probably would have. My teeth ground in frustration.

True to his word, he rolled over to his knees with his head on the ground before he got up and rushed out the gate of the backyard. I tucked his gun into my inner pocket of my cut after wrapping it in my bandana. He sure wasn’t getting it back. Dumb fuck.

“Gina, I’m sorry that happened here.” Goddammit, I hoped I didn’t just fuck myself with her.

“Mason, no, I’m just so glad you were here. He’s been coming by asking about Becca since she left. Never in a million years… Lord, I never thought he would do anything like that. Are you okay? You have blood on your hand.” She reached for my right hand, but I deftly pulled it back.

“I’m okay. Are you all right?” She looked shaken, but she was holding it together pretty good.

“Of course I am. I’m just in shock that he would behave like that. My God, what if Becca had stayed with him and he had done something to her? How on Earth could I have been so wrong about him? I can’t thank you enough for being here. Jesus Lord. Let’s go inside and get you cleaned up.” She turned and headed inside, and I followed. Her words about Becca with him had my temper boiling. Yeah, I was a possessive fucker, and I hated to think of her with that douche. It also pissed me off that I couldn’t leave more of an impression on him.

Damn, I hated to have to tell Becca about this, but I knew I would. What I was looking forward to telling her was how Hacker had transferred all his money out of his bank account and into multiple other bank accounts with bogus names, trashed his credit, and cancelled all of his insurances. This was after taking out multiple credit cards in his name and then maxing them out on porn sites. It was going to take him forever to get shit straightened out. Inwardly, I chuckled, imagining the mess he had to deal with. Served him right.

MY DAD HAD DROPPED his trailer off after unloading outside of Omaha and we were bobtailing back home. Despite my ire with my mother and the events of the last several months, I was looking forward to being home and seeing her. Regardless of all the bullshit, I loved her and I hated that I left with things so crappy between us. More guilt assuaged me as I thought about my piss-poor choices lately.

Dad and I had been talking a lot since yesterday. I had cried and bitched and cried some more. He took every tirade and bout of blubbering in stride, though I knew it pushed him well out of his comfort zone—just another reason I loved him. He would move the moon and stars for me and not grumble a bit. My hormones at that point in time were really pushing the limits of his abilities though.

The familiar curves of the roads on Lake Manawa shook me out of my introspection. The memories of my youth assailed me as they did every time I drove out to my parents’ home. When the familiar red house came into view, my heart jumped into my throat. Sitting in the driveway of my childhood home was a familiar motorcycle. When I realized I was holding my breath, I looked over to my father with wild eyes before looking back to the bike and nervously rolling the hem of my hoodie.

“Daddy, no. Turn around, keep going, whatever, just no. No. Not yet. No.” I wasn’t ready to face Hollywood yet. I just couldn’t. He was going to be so pissed and disappointed in me. Even though I knew I’d been a coward to leave like I did, at the time, I just needed to get away. I needed time to regroup and ground myself here.

“Becca-girl, look at me.” My father’s deep voice was soft, but his tone tolerated no argument. It was one I was very familiar with. My eyes reluctantly met his again, and I swallowed the lump lodged deep in my throat.

“That man is the father of your baby, and if I’m not mistaken, he loves you and that baby. A man doesn’t drive over three hours in the middle of the night chasing after a woman that he doesn’t care about. From everything we talked about last night and this morning, I’m also assuming you love him too. So, it seems to me, you owe it to that grandbaby of mine to talk things out and get this situation figured out. Now whatever you decide, we’ll be here for you, and you always have a home with us, but you already know that. I didn’t say a word to your mother about the baby. I figured you could share that joy with her yourself. I love you, Becca-girl.”

My father, the gruff, burly truck driver was the last one you would expect to be compassionate and observant. And well, I knew he was right. I needed to talk to Mason. It was time to put my big girl panties on and figure this shit out.

The truck rumbled then went silent as my dad turned off the ignition. Lost in thought, I sat staring at the house, unmoving for a moment before I pulled up those figurative big girl panties and looked at my dad. He clasped my hand in his large one, eclipsing mine. With his gentle squeeze and a nod toward the house, I slowly and reluctantly opened the truck door and climbed down. My eyes met my dad’s one last time before I shuffled up to the door and reached for the doorknob.

Here goes nothing.

My mom’s head peeked around the doorway to the kitchen, and when it registered with her who was coming in, she ran toward me and hugged me tightly to her. Once again, I found myself fighting to hold back tears. “Mom…”

“Oh, baby, I’ve missed you. I wish you hadn’t just run off after all that business with those computer pictures. No one who matters believes any of that crap, but I’m not going to go on about that. There is someone here who has been waiting for you.”

Like I hadn’t figured that out when I saw the bike in the driveway, Mom. Thanks for stating the obvious. I knew she didn’t mean anything by it, so I kept my mocking thoughts to myself.

I didn’t even have to see him to sense him. It was like my very molecules were attuned to him. My hand sought the comfort of my mother’s hand, and I walked with her to the kitchen. Golden eyes raised to mine, and Mason stood, for once looking uncertain in my presence. My mom squeezed my hand as she released me. Of their own volition, my feet took two steps toward him, and he stepped toward me. God, he was so gorgeous. My chest fluttered just being near him. There was no question, I loved this man with all my heart.

His hands reverently framed my face, and he brushed a loose curl behind my ear. His hand gently raised my chin until I was looking him full in the eye.

“God, baby, don’t ever do that to me again. You are my world, my everything. You have no idea how bad you scared me. And the heartache… shit, baby. How are you feeling? How’s the—” My finger came up to rest on his lips as I stole a furtive glance toward my mom, only to realize she had silently left the room to leave us alone to talk.

“Let’s go for a walk, okay?” This just wasn’t the place for us to talk, so I led him out into the yard and, looking both ways like I was taught as a child, tugged him across the road to the edge of the lake. We were away from the beach area, so the grass went nearly to the edge, only a one to two-foot section of rocky, pebbly sand separating it from the water. This was my quiet place, and I had come here often as a child and teen to absorb the peaceful lap of the water at the shore. My dad and I had fished here, rarely catching anything worth a damn, but enjoying each other’s company nonetheless. It was here that I dropped to the ground and waited for Mason to sit next to me.

Our fingers twined as he settled next to me, his jeans barely brushing against my thigh, our joined hands resting in my lap.

“I’m so sorry for running off like I did. My mind has been so messed up. I’m stupid paranoid. The dreams… they’re just… God, I don’t know. Horrible. I don’t want my parents to know about the kidnapping. For one, I don’t want them to blame you and your club, but also, I don’t want them to worry and stress over something they cannot change.” I took a deep, fortifying breath. “And I’ll go to therapy, if you think it will help.”

My eyes met his. The breeze ruffled the hair on the top of his head and blew a tendril of my dark red locks across my face, which he once again tucked behind my ear.

“Baby, I’m not trying to be an ass about the therapy, really I’m not, but I’m terrified to think of you letting this all build until I find my beautiful woman in the same boat as Reaper was when I found him again. Believe me when I say I know how hard it can be to feel ‘normal’ after something traumatic like that happens, and that is not a place I ever want you to be. I try so hard to stay the upbeat, happy-go-lucky guy that let’s everything roll off my back, but, baby, I’m fucked up inside too. The club? They help me because I trust them, and I know they have my back in any situation. But you? Baby, you keep me sane. I just want you to have the best chance to work through all of this and come out with the ability to cope with what happened. I want us to be able to be there for each other and to be the best parents possible for our little man.” He leaned in, cradling the back of my neck with his hand. As he leaned closer to press his lips to mine, I started to lay back, bringing him with me. We were right along the road, but the steep slope of the bank concealed us from passersby.

He pulled back slightly and my lips quivered in disappointment.

“Bec, baby.” He closed his eyes briefly before looking me in the eyes and shocking the ever-loving shit out of me. “Trevor stopped by this morning. It turned into a shitshow, but he’s gone, and he won’t be bothering you again.” Then he proceeded to tell me what happened and about how Hacker had found out it was Trevor who posted those pictures, hoping I would run back to him for comfort and a place to live when I lost my job. Damn, I thought Trevor was a dull bookworm, geek type. Who would have thought he would be capable of all that?

Though I hated that he and Mason had the altercation in my parents’ backyard, I was glad Mason had been there to handle the situation. What if he had used the gun on my mom? Or me if I had been there? God, my life had become a TV drama series.

My hand reached up to brush along the firmness of Mason’s cheek, bristling against the short growth of beard he had going on.

“Thank you for coming for me. Thank you for being there for my mom. Even though I ran off like a fool, thank you for not giving up on me.” My hands urged him toward me to finish the kiss we were so close to before.

When his lips met mine, I felt that same tingle and rush that I felt every single time. He twisted his upper body to rest on one elbow, allowing his other hand to slide up my thigh and tuck into the hem of my shorts, where he just let it rest, but lightly rubbed small circles with his fingertips. We broke the soft kiss, looking into each other’s eyes for God only knows how long.

“God, Becca, I love you. That’s something I never thought I would say to any woman other than my mother, but I do. I fucking love the hell out of you. We can do this together. I swear to you.”

“I love you too, Mason. So very much.”

Becca and I lay in the grass alongside the lake for at least an hour. We just held each other, touching each other to reassure ourselves that the other was really still there. Fluffy clouds skittered across the expanse of soft blue as we enjoyed the sound of the water lapping at the shore. The sun rose higher in the sky, and I heard her stomach rumble before her slender hand went to it as if she could silence it.

She was so fucking cute. My hand covered hers and slid lower to cradle the little bump that existed below her belly button. How I had missed the slight changes in her body was a fucking mystery. In my defense, she still didn’t look like she was as far along as she was. It was hard to believe my son was growing in that diminutive mound. It just didn’t seem possible. Also still amazing to me was how happy the news of pending fatherhood had made me. Yeah, I had been a little envious of what Reaper and Steph had—a family—but I always saw myself as someone who would be happy spoiling everyone else’s kids. It just goes to show, despite our firmest resolutions, sometimes life takes us by the balls and runs with us. All we can hope for is to hold on.

And make new resolutions.

In reverence, I leaned forward to place a kiss over his current cozy home and to whisper words that were just between me and my boy. Becca’s fingers ran through my hair, and I rested my ear to her belly as if my little man would speak back to me.

When I raised my head to look at her, her hand slid to rest on my neck.

“Becca, baby, my son and I have been talking.” She giggled at my serious tone as I told her about my father-son conversation. “What? You doubt me?” I asked in mock indignation.

“Oh, no,” she laughingly replied. “Please do tell.”

“Hmph! Well… as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, my son and I have been talking, and he told me—” I paused to glare at her while really trying hard not to smile, daring her to interrupt me again. “—he doesn’t want his daddy to be a single father, and he would really like his mommy and him to have the same last name as his daddy. He really wants us to be a real family, and I can’t seem to find a reason to disagree with him. So… what do you think? Will you do me the honor of becoming my wife and making an honest man of me? We need to set a good example for our little man and teach him that living in sin is totally unacceptable. I don’t have a ring yet, because this wasn’t exactly how I planned to do this, but sometimes the right time hits us when we don’t see it coming.”

At the catch in her breath, my grin broke through all my attempts at holding a straight face. Her face registered shock and happiness, and her eyes welled with tears before she grabbed my face, pulling me up until our noses touched.

“God, yes. Yes, I will make an honest man of you and set a good example for our son. I will be your wife and our son’s mommy, making us our own special little family. I love you, Mason. Yes. Yes, I will marry you! And I don’t care about the ring at all.” Her lips parted, and I kissed her like it was my last kiss on earth. She was going to be mine. Irrefutably, undeniably mine. When we broke apart for air, I rested my forehead against hers and spoke through my shortness of breath.

“Then I would say we have quite a bit to talk to your parents about. And we need to feed my growing boy.” I stood, reaching down to grab her hands and pull her up against me as she stood. My hands slipped around her, and I grabbed her ass, hiking her up against me, and she wrapped her legs around me. I walked up the hill, careful not to drop my precious treasure, looked both ways, and ran across the road with her bouncing and giggling against me.

“Put me down, you nut!” I loved the sound of her laughter, but I wasn’t stopping until we had her parents as witness to her agreeing to be my wife, so I bounded up the stairs and released her with one hand briefly to open the door.

“Rob! Gina! Where are you? Your daughter has something to tell you!” I shouted out as she laughed and attempted to cover my mouth, but I shook her hands away. They came from the hall and stopped with Rob resting his hands on Gina’s shoulders. He gave me an approving grin, and Gina looked at us expectantly.

“Oh hell, I didn’t expect to tell you all like this, but… Mom? You’re going to be a grandma and Mason has asked me to marry him. I said yes.” She bit her full bottom lip and worried it between her beautiful white teeth. Hearing her say yes out loud again tripped my heart into overdrive. She may or may not know it, but she had just made me the happiest fucker that ever existed.

Gina covered her mouth with both hands, her eyes grew wide and glossy before turning quickly to face her husband. “Rob! Did you know about this?”

“She just told me about the baby, sweetheart. I promise I haven’t kept anything from you, honey.” He stroked the back of her hair and placed a kiss to her forehead. That was what I hoped to have between Becca and me after as many years. “Now, son, what if I told you that you don’t have my permission to marry my daughter?” He raised an eyebrow at me as he continued to look sternly at me. The twinkle in his eye gave away the true nature of his mood.

“Well, sir, I would have to tell you that while I respect you, the decision is up to your beautiful daughter… and I promise to protect and cherish her and our baby for the rest of my days on this earth. I love your daughter and our baby more than life itself, and I need her in my life because of that love…” Besides, there was no way in hell anyone was telling me I couldn’t be with them, but I wasn’t going to push my luck. I set Becca down and kissed her cheek. She smelled like sunshine, fresh air, and heaven.

“Stop it, Daddy! Gawd!” Becca rolled her eyes as she turned and pressed her back to my front. My arms wrapped around her, pulling her close to me, and her hands rested on my arms. My heart felt near to bursting with the love and happiness she brought into my life.

“Mom, Dad… Trust me, it was a surprise to Mason and me too. I’m over a third way through my pregnancy, and I haven’t even known for that long. Sooo… you’re going to have a grandson. It’s a boy!” Becca squealed. Gina squealed. And I grinned like a fool.

Becca’s mom rushed to her, framing Becca’s face with her hands. I gently released Becca from the cradle of my arms as she embraced her mom. They both began with the waterworks, and Rob rolled his eyes as he walked over, placed a kiss on his daughter’s and wife’s heads, and said to me, “Come on, son, let’s leave these two blubbering women to plan baby and wedding stuff and go out back to have a cold beer to celebrate.”

Grinning ear to ear, I followed Becca’s burly giant of a father out to the back-yard after he grabbed two beers from the fridge. Hell, I was glad he hadn’t decided to punch me for this situation, because he would have crippled my ass. Damn, he was a big ol’ dude. We settled into a couple of Adirondack chairs and enjoyed the wind rustling through the leaves of the shade trees in the back-yard.

As I sipped my beer, he looked me in the eye. “Gina told me about the visit from Trevor. Thank you for being here for her. Never really liked that guy, but I thought Becca and her mother did, so I supported what I thought was Becca’s choice. Then when they broke up, Gina was so sure it was a mistake and, well, she’s my wife. You’ll learn that sometimes it pays to not make waves. But it seems in this case, I really messed up.”

His hand scrubbed down his face, pulling on his beard at the end. “I want your word that you will protect my baby girl and my grandson with your life. Treat her like the treasure she is, and we’ll be good. She’s my only child, and I couldn’t handle it if anything happened to her or I lost her.” His words were softly spoken and gruff.

“Not an issue whatsoever.” That was a promise I would easily keep, as they were my life too. The thought of what she had already endured made me doubly vested in ensuring her safety. Never again would she be in danger if I could help it. We clinked bottles and got lost in our thoughts during the comfortable silence that stretched between us.

If I had stuck to my stupid resolution to stay away from relationships, she wouldn’t be in my life and my baby wouldn’t have been conceived. Funny how fate changed everything we thought we knew.

Becca Lange… Man, I loved the sound of that…

GABRIEL MASON LANGE MADE his debut into the big bad world in the wee hours of the morning… the very day after his parents were married. No wedding night bliss or happy honeymoon for them. His mom and dad were both exhausted after seven hours of hard labor on no sleep, but as the nurse laid him on his mother’s chest, she gently stroked his silky golden hair and ran a finger along his rosy, round cheek. His daddy nearly cried when she asked him if he wanted to hold his son, but he would never in a million years admit it. His hands shook slightly as he reached for his little man. He tucked him in close to his body and bowed his head to whisper in his baby boy’s ear.

“Now we both can keep your mommy safe, little guy. And when your sister comes along, I’m going to need you to watch out for her too. But we won’t tell Mommy we’re planning a little sister for you yet. On second thought, maybe you need a little brother so the three of us can watch over your momma. She’s feisty and stubborn, so we may need back-up.”

Mason would have sworn his son smiled at him in agreement; his mommy would have said it was gas. Either way, the love emanating from the room was nearly palpable as little Gabriel’s grandparents and multiple “uncles” poured into the room later that morning. Reaper clapped Hollywood on the back, congratulating him while Steph kissed Becca and told her what a great job she had done. Everyone was so excited to see the newest addition to the family that Hacker went unnoticed as he leaned in the corner with a desolate expression.

Becca held tight to Mason’s hand as everyone fawned over little Gabriel. She couldn’t believe how much her life had changed from a year ago. She now had a husband, who she was over the moon for, and a son that she loved so much it made her ache. The mask was gone and her heart was wild.

The End

I cannot believe this is my second book. There are so many people I have to thank for everything they did to inspire and motivate me to bring life to Mason and Becca. I’m not even sure where to begin.

First, I’m thanking my readers. I can’t lie and say I was sure you would exist when I first released Colton. You surprised me from the beginning, and every day since. Never in a million years would I have thought so many of you would buy and then actually love my writing. My heart overflows with gratitude to you all, because honestly, without each and every one of you, there would be no Mason.

Next, I will thank Penny. You were my go-to gal (paragraph by paragraph some nights). You believed in me from the beginning and continued to encourage me when I felt like Colton may be my “one hit wonder.” Oh and yes, I still promise if they ever make a movie out of my books you can be there when they select the cast (She’s sure that will happen someday).

Charrissa, my fellow book-junkie. Thank you for reading Mason while Bobby was sick on my couch from “Texas Cedar Fever.” Also, thank you for helping moderate the newly coined Facebook Group “Kristine’s Krazy Fangirls.” I miss you, and you need to move back to Texas soon.

Once again, thank you to the fabulous author, Sybil Bartel. Sybil, you are my hero. Your ever positive nature, steamy-hot books, and general awesomeness, inspired me to get moving on Mason and get him out to the best readers in the world, all as quick as I could. Keep the fans happy! (By the way, if you haven’t read Sybil’s books yet… what are you waiting for?!)

Clarise of CT Cover Creations, you did it again! Thank you for making Mason as gorgeous and perfect as Colton. You made them both look so amazing, especially sitting side by side! You’re a true genius.

The ladies at Hot Tree Editing gave my words polish and professionalism and there is never thanks enough for that! (I know if any of you read this part, you’re probably cringing at all of my grammatical oopsies since I’m writing how I speak. Heehee.) Thank you Virginia and Kristina, for loving my characters and catching all my faux pas.

Stacy at Champagne Formats, you are absolutely a formatting Goddess and you can tell your children I said so! When my major fiasco happened with Colton, you calmly fixed everything and turned my world right-side up again. Mason will be just as beautiful “between the covers” thanks to you. I still thank my lucky stars I chose you to handle my formatting needs! (Thank you to Sybil for that too!)

And as always, my last-but-never-least, a massive thank you to America’s servicemen and women who protect our freedom on a daily basis. They do their duty, leaving their families for weeks, months, and years at a time, without asking for praise or thanks. I would also like to remind the readers that not all combat injuries are visible nor do they heal easily. These silent, wicked injuries wreak havoc on their minds and hearts while we go about our days completely oblivious.

To Beth, Zach, Rhiannon and Rhys. You are bright lights in a dark world—never let anyone, or anything, eclipse you. You constantly inspire me and make me proud. While being known as an author is exciting, amazing and makes me happy, the four of you gave me the best title ever… Mom. I love you with all my heart.

SITTING IN THE DANK, dusty cave on day three of our boring-as-hell recon mission, watching trucks move in and out of the small village below, sucked as bad as the first day. No, we didn’t just sit there with our thumbs up our asses watching through Walmart binoculars, but the details of what we were exactly doing are ones I can’t share. Now don’t get me wrong, we weren’t complaining. The alternative to boring was the possibility of some of our team members not making it home. So we’d take quiet and boring anytime. Wait, that makes us sound like pussies. We’re not. We’re fucking Marines, but only a dumb fuck has a true death wish.

Since our arrival in that shithole, we’d lost a brave, young Marine while on our way to the barren hillside cave complex we were set up in. Fuck if I knew how these people live there and like that. Anyway, we lost SGT Daniels due to poor fucking intel and a route that left us exposed and flapping out in the wide open like the proverbial sitting ducks. Despite knowing the proposed route was shit, we followed orders because orders were fucking orders. Bet the stupid fucking higher-ups wished they would have asked us, since we were the ones who had been traversing this godforsaken place time and time again, not them. Then again, maybe not. Maybe they didn’t really give a flying fuck.

The loss of SGT Daniels was locked away in my mind to be dealt with at a later date. None of the team could afford the distraction of grief until later.

I was a long way from Iowa and my old life, in more ways than just distance. Crazy thing was, if I survived this deployment, it would be my last, and this time next year, I would be back home. My plan to get away from everyone and everything back there had been accomplished, but it had left me hardened, and if I was honest with myself, completely soulless. My ghosts followed me and haunted me daily. You can run from shit, but you can’t keep it out of your head.

When I joined the 2nd Recon BN, Force Recon Company, I knew I would end up in dangerous situations, but I didn’t care. No, I wasn’t reckless in that I would put my fellow Marines in jeopardy, but if I needed to die to save them, I would do it in a heartbeat. That was loyalty, not reckless heroism.

Afghanistan was the fucking shits. You never knew when you might stumble across a raggedy-ass group of Taliban stowed away in a hillside or when they might try to sneak up on you. Despite what intel you received, the friendlies could end up wolves in sheep’s clothing. You trusted lightly and always covered your ass.

Barely twenty when I joined, I was now twenty-five. Most people looked forward to turning twenty-five because their insurance dropped. Me? I looked forward to it because it meant I was closer to being done with this shit. God willing, I would celebrate my birthday with my family next year. My mother’s heart had been crushed when I told her I had dropped out of the University of Iowa and was joining the Marines, but I needed an escape. Now I was ready to return home. Home….

The thought had no sooner flitted through my head when the unmistakable crunching, ripping roar of artillery hitting in our “backyard” disrupted my thoughts. Yeah, that Hollywood bullshit of booms, whistles, and shit? Don’t believe it. You rarely heard it until it was on top of your ass. Yeah. No more “boring.” Goddammit. Every Marine in our party jumped to position as we assessed the damage. Our ears were ringing, and everything was muffled as we reacted the way we were taught.

Semper Fi.

“Feel Invincible”—Skillet

“THIS IS BULLSHIT, KASSI, and you know it! I hate you going there to dance, knowing all those fucking perverts are staring at you and touching you. It’s not right. Let me get a job to help with the bills so you can get a normal job somewhere.” Matt followed me across our tiny living room to the front door as I prepared to leave for work.

“Watch your mouth, Matthew. And no! For the last time, you are not getting a job. I want you to be able to concentrate on school and football this year. It’s your senior year, and it’s important for you to excel so you can have a chance at some good scholarships. They’re watching you for football and academic scholarships, and that’s important. I’ve got things covered. Also, no one’s allowed to touch us on stage unless we give permission. Okay? So don’t worry about me, I’ve got this.” We had this same argument nearly every night I went to work at the Emerald Shamrock. No, it had never been my ambition to be an exotic dancer—oh hell, I was a stripper, let’s be honest—but it paid the bills better than the waitressing position I started with, and certainly better than working at the hardware store.

Once Matt graduated high school and went on to college, I wouldn’t have to struggle as much because, God willing, I would be a nurse by then. My first year had been almost a waste because the curriculum each semester was different between a bachelor’s and an associate’s degree in nursing. Some of the classes applied, but most wouldn’t until I was able to go back to finish my bachelor’s. If everything went well, I would be able to go back soon after graduating as an Associate Degree Nurse. The end of my final semester was fast approaching. Until that day came, during the week I was taking my required courses and clinicals, and on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, I took off my clothing for a leering audience.

Yeah, that was my life for the time being, but I would make it through this.

“Oh come on, Kassi, my grades are good every year. You know they have been. I’m sure taking a part-time job isn’t going to kill my grades. Besides, I don’t even know if I want to go to college right away. I’ve been thinking a lot about joining the Marine Corps after graduation. And I hate that you gave up your dreams and opportunities for me.” He tucked his hands in the front pockets of his jeans and looked away from me. My heart dropped to my feet when he said that.

“Don’t be hasty, okay? Wait to see what offers you get before you decide to run off to the military. Those recruiters will make everything sound right as rain, and then once you sign on the dotted line, they tell you ‘oh, sorry, but you belong to Uncle Sam now, so you’ll do what we want.’ I don’t want to see you shipped off to Afghanistan and then get a knock on the door that my little brother is gone. Please, promise me you’ll wait.” This was driven by the fact that our dad had been a Marine for a single enlistment before he met mom. When he came home after his four years as a Marine, he had been out with friends and met mom at the bowling alley, and the rest was history. I came along nine months later.

My eyes plead with him as he looked at me out of the corner of his eyes before he tipped his head back and glared at the ceiling in frustration. Tossing my bag that held my costumes on the old microfiber couch we had grown up with, I stepped closer to him and held his shoulders to make him look at me.

“I didn’t throw away my dreams, Matt…. I’ll still finish nursing school. It’s just going to take me a little longer to get my BSN, and by a different route, but I would do it over again as many times as needed in order to keep us together.”

Since our parents died, I’d struggled to keep what was left of our family together. Both Mom and Dad were only children, and our grandparents had passed away at various intervals as we grew up. The only family we had left were some distant cousins near Chicago. Tooth and nail, I had fought to gain custody of Matt so he didn’t go into the foster care system. The state didn’t want to grant custody to me at first because I was only nineteen myself, almost twenty. They didn’t think I was prepared to take on the responsibility of becoming a mother figure to a fifteen-year-old.

At the time, I was working at a hardware store in Ames and had finished the first year of nursing school at Iowa State. Now I was almost done with nursing school. Literally, I had less than a single semester left. Well, for my associate’s degree anyway. My plans had originally been to go to Iowa State University to get my Bachelor’s in Nursing. Matt was right that I gave up my scholarship, but I didn’t regret it. A scholarship didn’t keep me and my brother together.

So, I had moved home, enrolled in the community college, and was lucky enough to get into the program relatively soon thanks to my grades, the classes I had already taken, and my scores on the nursing entrance exam. Initially, I was working at the hardware store here that was affiliated with the one back in Ames, but the pay sucked.

Unfortunately, after our parents died, we had to sell our childhood home because I just couldn’t afford the house payment and taxes. Mom and Dad had a little more debt than we realized, so almost all the life insurance they had went to bury them and to pay off their bills. We had enough left over to get a reliable car and pay the deposits on this one-bedroom apartment. Because he was a growing young man, I felt he needed his own space to get away to do homework and just be alone, so I gave up the single bedroom for Matt. I slept on the couch in the living room, and we just made it work. We shared the closet, since it was the only big thing in the whole apartment, spanning the entire length of the bedroom.

After custody was finally granted, I quit my job at the hardware store and took the job at the Shamrock so I could support the two of us and afford to attend community college. It also gave me weeknights to be around to help Matt with school work, study my own stuff, and have dinner at a decent time. It worked, but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t exhausting. Sometimes I slipped back into my “anger stage” of the grief process and found myself being furious at our parents for leaving us and taking away my dreams. Though my mother died instantly in the crash, my father had survived… for a short period. He made it through surgery, but while in ICU, his heart just stopped. The doctors said his heart had been weak and the surgery was just too much. Maybe, but I believed he just gave up when he found out my mother didn’t make it.

Blame was easy to throw around when I was angry. Part of me was still in disbelief and anguish, questioning why my dad didn’t fight harder. Why couldn’t he have been strong enough and fought for us?

Those were the times I really had to dig deep within myself to remember they would’ve never purposefully left us alone. We’d been a close family, and it never occurred to any of us that we wouldn’t be there for each other forever. Sometimes shit just happened and life sucked.

Not to mention, it had been scary as hell being the main parental figure for my brother, knowing I hadn’t made all the best decisions growing up. Yeah, here I was, far from perfect and yet responsible for guiding my brother toward success. Between the grief of losing both of our parents in one fell swoop and the sudden changes we were forced to deal with, it was rough at first. It took some time, but we worked through it and learned as we went along. Never did I try to be his “mom” though, and we both relied on each other to pull things together.

Now, a little over three years later, my little brother was nearly a grown man, I just turned twenty-three, and I was praying to finish nursing school without anyone finding out I worked as a stripper.

Ugh!

That was the biggest reason we moved over to Spirit Lake after we sold the house, fear of running into the people we knew from our small town every day and having them ask what I was up to now. Thankfully, I had been able to land this job through a girl I used to work with at the hardware store. Her cousin was one of the other dancers, and they helped me get hired on a mostly cash basis with my position being listed as “waitress” so I wouldn’t have the awesome, extraordinary job title of “stripper” show up on a background investigation later or, God forbid, to hit the CPS radar since they still liked to nose in our business every so often. Which was asinine considering my brother was dang near an adult. They were such a pain in our ass. Everything added together made me feel like I continuously walked a tightrope.

My eyes flicked to my watch, which had belonged to our mother, before returning to Matt. Hell if he wasn’t starting to look more and more like our dad every day. It was both heartbreaking and heartwarming to look at him. We had the same dark brown, nearly black, hair and sky-blue eyes. To me, of course, that was where the similarities ended, because where I was lean and willowy like our mom, he was getting broad and muscular like our dad. Everyone said we could be twins, but we didn’t see it. Man, he was going to break hearts in college. Already, he looked more like a man than a boy as he dropped onto the couch with a scowl.

Preparing to leave for work, I leaned over to kiss him on the cheek and ruffle his hair. Geez, it felt weird to feel stubble on my little brother’s cheeks at the end of the day. My hand then rested on his cheek for a minute before I pulled him in for a quick hug.

“We’ll talk about it again. Okay? Love you, little brother. No wild parties while I’m gone.” My words were a standing joke, because that was something I had no worries of whatsoever. We had both been so afraid of CPS getting involved in the beginning, and then being separated after we worked so hard to stay together, that we never threw parties or did anything to have attention drawn to us, even now that we were almost in the clear. Thankfully, Matt was a responsible young man who had always been mature for his age. His face lit up as he wiggled his eyebrows at me and grinned; then the mutinous expression returned before he answered me.

“Just please be careful, sis. Even though I’m almost old enough to be on my own, I don’t want to lose you. Physically or mentally… you’re all I have.” The last was spoken so quietly I wasn’t sure that I was meant to hear it. He got back up and followed me to the door. My arms wrapped around him in a brief, but tight hug. Gathering up my bag again, I scooped my keys off the hook by the door. Before I could catch further lecturing by my younger brother, I quickly descended the stairs outside our apartment and climbed in our dark blue Honda Accord and backed out. I cast one last wave to my brother before he went inside, and I put the car in drive and headed to work.

“Bring Me To Life”—Evanescense

“YOU’RE UP IN FIVE, Sparkle!” I double checked the bobby pins holding my wig to the wig cap, ensuring they were secure, and took a last look in the cracked mirror at my station. Crazy what a blonde wig and an elaborate rhinestone-encrusted eye mask did to totally disguise my appearance. Looking back from the mirror sat a stranger’s image. No matter how many nights I saw this blonde woman staring back at me through the glass, I couldn’t reconcile her image with my own. Maybe that was a good thing. Shaking my head to dispel the image from my head as I stood, the sound of the crowd cheering signaled the end of Candy’s routine and told me it was time to shake my money-maker, so to speak.

My eyes closed, and I took a deep breath, inhaling the persona of “Sparkle,” and strutted out onto the darkened stage to take my opening place. The lights on stage were out until the first strains of my favorite routine song began. As Jason Derulo’s “Talk Dirty to Me” began to play, the spotlight lit me up. The heat from the light warded off the chill I was experiencing, being so ridiculously scantily clad, and the familiar smells of smoke, spilled alcohol, body odor, sweat, and cheap perfume assailed my nostrils.

My costume for this routine started out with a short, silver, fringed skirt, which barely covered my ass, a cropped, sparkling silver top that tied between my full breasts, a silver and black lace bra, and a lacy black thong with rhinestones decorating the front. Yeah, not much.

The club followed a combination of dress codes that were required by law and imposed by the owners, the Demented Sons MC. Our nipples remained covered by various pasties of our choice, thank God, and we wore the skimpiest thongs we could get by with because it generated better tips. After nearly three years of this, I had grown comfortable with being nearly nude on stage. Whether that was good or bad, I wasn’t sure, but I had perfected stepping into Sparkle’s persona, which was brimming with attitude and confidence. In a way, it was like becoming a completely different person; one with endless spunk, sexual confidence, and total control of her world.

As usual, the crowd hooted and hollered from around the stage that jutted out into the bar. They weren’t allowed to touch us inappropriately, as I told Matt, but if you wanted better tips, they always wanted to tuck them in the band of your thong during and at the end of our routines. Some nights I had to grit my teeth at the “accidental” wandering, grazing fingers.

Tonight was one of those nights.

It wasn’t that they scared me; it just pissed me off that these assholes all assumed because I took off my clothes for them, I wanted their grimy hands all over me. But at least it was a lot safer since the guys from the MC had bumped up security after a few incidents with one of the girls getting beat up pretty bad and then one of the old ladies being kidnapped by a rival club because they thought she was one of the dancers. It was some scary shit, and something I would never tell my brother, but they were doing their best to keep us safe, which was more than I could say for some of the other strip clubs.

Toward the end of my routine, I was hanging upside down from the pole in just my thong and the glittery pasties when my eyes met with the narrowed gaze of one of the MC members. He was sitting back against the wall, and I just happened to see him through the crowd as people jostled each other near the stage. For that split second, I felt my chest and face flush more than it was already from the exertion of my performance. My heart raced, and it seemed wetness flooded between my legs. Embarrassed, I flipped backward off the pole with my heels dropping in a single staccato beat before strutting, dipping, and shaking my ass off stage as I gathered the last of my tips.

Fuck. It wasn’t like I had never seen a hot guy before—hell, damn near every guy in the MC was hot as hell. Nor was this guy new to me. He had been here a lot lately, pulling extra security, and I had definitely noticed him. Who wouldn’t? Our bartender had told me his name was Hacker. It sure seemed like the poor bastard was stuck with the weekend shift a lot.

Damn, he was a sexy specimen of a man, and he made all my girly bits stand up and take notice. The thing was, I steered clear of men in general because there was just no extra time in my life to dedicate to a relationship. Between school, work, and taking care of Matt, I simply had nothing left. Yeah, Matt was pretty self-sufficient at seventeen, but I wanted to be there for him.

Cinnamon was heading on stage after me, and as I passed her, she spoke quickly to me. “Hey girl, you have a customer in the Red Room requesting a dance.” Shocked, I looked up from tying the top back over my boobs.

“What? No. I don’t do private dances. Everyone knows this.” My nerves were on edge, and I was getting pissy with Cinnamon when it wasn’t her fault. The hurt look on her face told me I shouldn’t have tried to kill the messenger. She was the one who got me my job here and the only dancer who knew my full story. I really liked her, and she had sat listening to me many a night when I started to feel overwhelmed by the responsibilities in my life.

“From what I hear, when Shirley told him that, he told her he was paying extra in order to get you to go in there, and it would be in your best interest to go. Do what you want, but if it’s who I think it is, you may want to take this one.” Before I could argue further with her, she bussed my cheek and rushed toward the curtain and out on stage.

My blood was boiling. Dammit, I made enough money dancing without having to be groped by some drunk-ass, rich businessman. Honestly, staying away from private dances had definitely cost me a lot of extra money. Hell, I could have made a killing with lap dances and private dances, but I needed to maintain some of my dignity. Then there was the little matter of not wanting to get too close to anyone and risk blowing my disguise. There was just too much at stake in my life right now. Besides, how awkward would it be to walk in a patient’s room and have them recognize me from dancing on the pole at the Shamrock? Umm, yeah, I’ll pass on that scenario. That type of degradation was too much for me to deal with, so I set off toward the Red Room to tell the guy thanks, but no thanks. Even though I was working this job, I had my limits.

The rooms were actually clean and nice with a small stage around a pole, a leather love seat, facing the door, and a music system in the corner where you could choose the song you wanted to perform to. The particular room I was heading to was lit up with hundreds of twinkling red party lights suspended from the ceiling. Each room had a different color—hence the Red Room, Blue Room, Green Room, and Purple Room.

Pushing the door open, I barged in still dressed in just my thong and top, with the rest of my costume clutched in my hand, and stopped dead in my tracks. Reclined on the seat sat Hacker, and my planned tirade froze on my tongue.

Shit, he was hot.

My brain may have actually frozen too, because the diatribe I had planned just swirled aimlessly in my head.

“Close and lock the door.” His deep voice poured over me like warm honey. It curled around me, thick and warm until I felt like I was momentarily floating.

Doing something I never did, and unsure why I did it then, I followed his instructions, shooting him a curious look over my shoulder. With the door closed, the sounds out in the club were reduced to a barely audible hum. After the door was shut and locked, I turned around and pressed my back to the cold door. My heart pounded, and my hands shook slightly. Thoughts jumbled around in my head, refusing to form complete sentences, and I was still at a complete and total loss for words.

“Ummm, so I don’t usually do private dances, and I’m pretty sure, uhhh, all of you know this.” My eyebrow arched up in question, and I tugged my bottom lip with my teeth.

“And I don’t normally pay for one.” His smirk should have pissed me off, but it just made my thong wetter. Holy shit. And those damn sexy eyes shifted from blue to greenish blue as he sat studying me in the red glow of the room. His tattooed arms were crossed over his chest, and I couldn’t help but appreciate the definition in them. Damn, I loved a guy with great arms… and… wait for it… he had a neatly trimmed beard.

Be still my heart.

“So, I guess, uhhhmm, I guess I could dance if you really wanted me to, and since you guys pretty much, umm, sign my checks. Just don’t expect this every night I work.” Stuttering, I felt the need to set some boundaries after all. “Okay? Do you, umm, have any requests?” Jesus, I sounded like a freaking idiot.

Why couldn’t I form intelligent sentences in front of him? Where had “Sparkle” gone? This was ridiculous! Dammit! And why was I entertaining this?

“Yeah, I do. Put on ‘Emotionless’ by Red Sun Rising.” I did what he said, and as the music started to fill the small room, I grabbed the pole, cool in my hands, and stepped up on the small stage. Closing my eyes in an attempt to channel Sparkle once again, I swayed and slid along the pole. As I wrapped a leg around the pole, I imagined wrapping my legs around his hips as I sank down…. Holy shit! Stop it, Kassi!

Taking a deep breath, I inhaled the spirit behind the music, the faint smell of his leather cut, and a hint of whatever cologne he was wearing. His scent caused shivers of awareness through my body, head to toe.

“Open your eyes. Look at me.” My eyes opened, and I realized he had leaned forward, resting his forearms on his knees as he watched me move on the pole. Silently, he held out a hand to me, and without thought, I reached out, taking his hand in mine. As soon as his fingers wrapped around mine, I felt a jolt of electrical awareness.

He gently tugged me down off the stage until I stood between his spread legs. My breath caught, and my lips parted as my tongue nervously traced over my bottom lip. I never saw his other hand coming until it was too late. My voice was a breathless whisper as I realized he was removing the rhinestone-encrusted filigree mask.

“No!”

“In the Dark”—3 Doors Down

NEVER HAD I WANTED anything to do with any of the dancers at the Shamrock. Sticking my dick in somewhere I knew half the male population had already been just didn’t hold a lot of interest for me. Never had. Besides, that hadn’t worked out too well for Hollywood and that nasty bitch Cherry. Still didn’t know what he was thinking there, but at least he and Becca were happy and things had worked out between the two of them. Just because I didn’t want to be tied down didn’t mean I begrudged my brothers who did.

The guys gave me shit all the time because I never had women hanging on me or crawling out of my bed in the morning. Just because I could count on my two hands the number of women I’d been with since I left college over eight years ago, it wasn’t a crime. It was my fucking life. Now, I’m not saying I was a choirboy, because of course I’d experienced a few one-night stands and quick fucks in the back of the clubhouse, but none of them held my interest long, and none of them stayed in my bed. I didn’t sleep with any of them. I fucked them. That was it.

No breakfast the next morning. No misleading soft words. Just sex. Nothing more, nothing less.

Thanks to the trouble we were having with a bunch of the nomads from the Demon Runners, we had all been pulling extra duty at the Emerald Shamrock, which further cut back on any free time I might have had. Not that I was really complaining, because I knew Sparkle only danced on Friday, Saturday, and Sundays. After the first time I saw her dance, I volunteered for the weekend shifts, using the excuse that the other brothers had families to spend their weekends with, and I never really had plans.

Truth? I couldn’t get enough of the sexy blonde that wasn’t a blonde at all. Her wig was good, but I could tell it wasn’t her hair. Her skin was too warm and olive tinted to be a blonde. Despite the false image and the fact she hid behind a mask, there was no way to fight the draw I felt toward her every time she brought that sexy ass out on the stage. She was my own personal siren, and I had a bad feeling she would lure me to my destruction.

She had a body to die for—long, muscular legs; curvy hips; big, perfectly shaped breasts; full red lips that caused to a man to think crazy, dirty things; and those bright blue eyes that a man could drown himself in.

Her pink tongue running along her bottom lip was nearly my undoing. When I reached for her mask, it was instinctual and impulsive. I needed to see her as bad as I needed to breathe. Really see her.

When she grabbed for my hand a second too late, her eyes wide and her grip firm, my eyes narrowed. What did she have to hide that she always wore the mask? Not that it mattered, because I wasn’t planning on asking her to marry me. Like I said… fuck relationships.

What I was having a hard time fighting was the uncontrollable need to see her unfettered and coming unraveled in my arms. It was so strong, it was nearly a tangible thing.

“Shhhh.” My hand set the mask next to me on the couch and reached out to cup her neck, drawing her and her full red lips closer to my own. Her hands dropped to my shoulders to maintain her balance as she leaned toward me. When our lips brushed against each other with the barest whisper of contact, it was like a frisson of electricity ten times as strong as the one I felt when our hands first touched.

The kiss was deep and frantic before either of us comprehended, and our tongues lashed and teeth nipped at each other’s lips in a rush. Her hands clutched at my shoulders, and mine reached for her hips and pulled her onto my lap until she straddled my throbbing cock.

Fuck, she was going to kill me. Who the hell was this girl?

Her fingers tangled in my hair and grasped at the front of my cut as mine reached around her to cradle her close to me at her back and hips. Her barely covered pussy ground against my cock as we sat there dry humping like a couple of high school kids. One hand slipped around to knead her perfect, firm, full tit through her barely there shirt. Goddamn, they were totally real. She moaned as my hand continued to stroke and knead first one then the other of her beautiful tits. Rubbing my thumbs over her nipples elicited a soft moan from the gorgeous woman in my arms. Shit. What the hell was I doing?

Sanity broke through the muddled haze that was my brain, and I gently broke away from the magnetic pull of her lips. We both were breathing heavily; her with her forehead resting on my shoulder and me with my face in her hair. The hairs of the wig were soft, but I craved the sight and feel of her own hair.

“Let me see your hair, beautiful.”

“You can see it,” she mumbled into my shoulder. A chuckle slipped from me, and I leaned back to tip her chin up to look at me. Her eyes were downcast, and I tipped my head at an angle to place myself in her field of vision.

“Sparkle—no, what’s your real name, sweetheart?”

Her teeth grabbed her bottom lip and worried it in indecision. She took a deep breath before she met my eyes with her beautiful blue eyes, rimmed in thick dark lashes. This soft, sweet girl was nothing like the alluring seductress, Sparkle, that took the stage, but I liked this side of her even more than I would have thought.

“Look, I don’t do this. I came in here to tell you I don’t do this. I don’t know what just came over me, and I have to say, I feel more than a little like a slut right now. I need to go. I still have two more sets tonight because Monique called in sick.” Her eyes begged me to believe her words as she tried to back off my lap. While I understood she needed to go back to work, I wasn’t ready to let her warm body go. My arms held her hips in place, which caused her to press into my cock again. We both groaned at the jolt of pleasure from just that little bit of contact. Something told me that fucking her would be unlike anything I had ever experienced, like it may be so explosive I may be tempted to consider… no. Never mind that thought.

“Relax, babe. Despite how tempted I am, I’d rather not do this here in a strip joint, and that wasn’t my intent, okay? Honestly, I just wanted to talk to you, just needed to have you to myself for ten minutes. But mark my words, my cock will be buried in that warm, wet pussy of yours sooner rather than later. You feel me?” My words were whispered in her ear as I tried to calm my raging hormones and work up the ability to let her go.

Shit, I felt like a teenage boy with his first real hard-on. What the hell kind of magic was she weaving? What the hell was happening to me?

Her quick intake of air was the only response I got before I loosened my hold on her and she rapidly scrambled off my lap then grabbed her costume pieces and held them as if they could cover her near nakedness. She could wrap herself in a gunny sack, and I would still think she was beautiful, so I didn’t know why she was worried about covering herself.

“I’ll be here until you get off. Let me take you home after your shift is over.” She had reached the door and stopped with her hand on the knob as she looked over her shoulder at me with an expression of surprise and an emotion I couldn’t quite place.

“No. You can’t come to my home.” Her eyes were wide and startled, much like a deer in the headlights look, before she put her mask back on and slipped out the door. My eyebrows raised in surprise, and then anger bubbled up in me. Wondering if she was looking down on me and thinking I wasn’t good enough for her because I was a member of the MC had me instantly pissed. Then my mind quickly wandered to another conclusion. Don’t fucking tell me she has a damn old man waiting on her at home! Motherfucker.

My fist dented the door slightly when it met the metal surface. What the hell was getting into me? I really didn’t even know this girl. Why the fuck did it matter if she was with someone? It shouldn’t matter to me. She was just some girl I drooled over on a stripper pole. Right? Yeah, of course.

And hell, it wasn’t like I couldn’t find out every second of her life if I really wanted to, but I would rather she give in and let me in on her own. The normal, sane Hacker would have just said “fuck it” and went about his way alone. Instead, I pushed those semi-lucid thoughts away and allowed the anger to suck me in again.

Simmering in my irritation, I slammed out of the private room and stormed down the hall toward the front door and outside to get some air. I paced the parking lot several times before I came to a decision and re-entered the club looking for Bo, the bartender. He knew all the girls, and I was going to get some answers from him about little Miss Sparkle instead of hacking into her life like I was tempted to. If she actually did have a man at home, I didn’t know what the fuck I was going to do, because I didn’t poach, but this minx had my insides in fucking knots.

I wanted her, and that said something considering my history.

I was so fucked, and I just didn’t realize it yet.

“Confident”—Demi Lovato

DAMN, IT HAD BEEN a long night. Cinnamon and I had each picked up one of Monique’s slots, and I was wiped out. You wouldn’t think just one extra routine would be that difficult, but added on top of the inner turmoil of my little interlude with Hacker, my body and mind felt drained. Thankfully, my performances were all done by midnight, so I could head out and not have to stick around until closing. If I had been into private dances, I could have made a lot of extra money until close, but now was another time I was glad I didn’t, because I just didn’t have the energy.

My costume was stuffed in my tote, and my wig was carefully packed in a special bag to protect it. Shit, I had spent too damn much money on it, but I wanted it to look as real as possible to keep customers from wondering and questioning me. None of the girls questioned it since they just chalked it up to part of my costume and me thinking I would get better tips as a blonde. Whatever. I never corrected them.

When I slipped out the back door tonight, no one would recognize me as the dancer they called “Sparkle,” that was for sure. My face was scrubbed free of makeup, I had gathered my long dark hair up into a ponytail, pulled my boots on, and slipped on my jacket to ward off the uncharacteristically chilly night for early July. My bag over my shoulder, I headed toward the door, throwing out goodbyes to the girls as I left. Cinnamon joined me as I passed her station, and we met up with security at the back door and headed out. We weren’t supposed to leave out the back door without security after what had happened to Hollywood’s old lady and poor Stacy before her. Another safety measure I actually appreciated.

Cinnamon and I both noticed Hacker at the same time, and she let out a soft giggle when she heard me exclaim a whispered “Shit!” He was leaning on his bike next to my car as we approached, and his eyes followed my every step.

Why wasn’t it illegal for him to look so damn good? My eyes took in his mussed dark hair, muscular arms and the tattoos that wrapped around them, the way his jeans hugged his thighs, and the way his gorgeous eyes followed my every move. Holy Jesus, could the man be any fricking hotter? All my mind could imagine was climbing him like a monkey in a tree.

Bad thoughts! Go away! Ugh!

“Girl, what did you do to get that gorgeous hunk of man? You holding out on me? And if you don’t want him, you can toss him my way.” Cinnamon winked at me as she climbed in to her car before I even answered and locked the doors. After her car started, Hacker spoke and told the burly security guard that he had it from here. My heart started to race knowing I was about to be alone with him again. The security guy, Bull, lifted his chin to Hacker and deserted me.

Fuck. Asshole. You know, like it was somehow his fault.

“What are you doing here? I told you I didn’t need a ride.” Thankfully, my voice sounded more confident than I felt at that time. At the word ride, I thought to myself I’d sure like to ride him, though, and then my mind conjured up dirty images of our limbs entwined and slick with sweat.

Wait. What? Where did that come from? Holy Mary, Mother of God, it’s really been entirely too long if I can’t keep my mind out of the gutter. My cheeks flushed with heat. Good thing it wasn’t bright enough for him to notice—well, I hoped it wasn’t.

It wasn’t like I was a virgin, but I hadn’t dated anyone since getting custody of my brother, and my last “hookup” had been almost a year ago when Matt was staying with a friend. Hell, that was also my last real “date,” if one cared to get technical. On second thought, I could’ve possibly been a born-again virgin after all that time.

My inner pondering was interrupted by the panty-wetting sound of his voice. Mmmm, I’m telling you, his voice was straight velvet. Like suck-you-in-and-happily-smother-you, rich and smooth.

“Come have a drink with me, Kassi. It’s still early. I’ll be on my best behavior. Scout’s honor.” He held up his right hand, and I had to wonder if someone as sinfully sexy and blatantly naughty was ever a Boy Scout. He was total sin on wheels. “Please?”

Glancing down, I looked at my watch, noting the time. Matt wouldn’t be expecting me until after closing time, so technically I had the time. Not that he would begrudge me a little “me time,” but I still felt like I should be at home if I wasn’t working. Being responsible for my brother made me feel guilty about taking time for myself even though I knew there was nothing wrong with it. Indecision colored my expression, and Hacker latched onto my wavering resolve like a bloodhound on a scent.

Wait a minute… how did he know my name?

“You know you want to. I won’t let you drink too much, or too little. Come on….” When he folded his hands and rapidly batted his thick, long eyelashes at me, I couldn’t hold back my laughter. He grinned back at me, and a single dimple sealed my coffin.

Why? Why did he have to have a dimple? Shit. I was done for, and I knew it.

“Okay, fine. You wore me down. Now put away the dimple. That’s not fighting fair. Who told you my name, and where are we heading? I can’t go too far because I do have to get home shortly after closing time. And I only have one request….” I wasn’t sure if he would go for my request because I knew how some guys were about stuff like this, especially the guys in his club. But before him, I honestly had no desire to even talk with any of them, so I was a little surprised I was not only giving in with him, but contemplating going all in. My teeth worried my bottom lip as I debated whether to ask him or not.

“Hmmmm, one request and she has to be back by closing so she gets home on time…. Are you Cinderella?” Pursing my lips to hold back my smile, I shook my head no.

“Boyfriend waiting at home for you? Husband?” Ha! As if. Again, I shook my head no after a short burst of laughter snuck out. Was that a look of relief that I saw flash through his eyes? Before he kept asking and hit too close to home, I reached out to grab his hand and batted my eyelashes in a comical rendition of his earlier expression. My personal life needed to stay personal until my life was situated.

“We ride your bike.” My teeth worried my bottom lip in my characteristic nervous habit, waiting for him to say he didn’t let bitches ride his bike or something equally chauvinistic but praying he wouldn’t. I hadn’t ridden on the back of a bike since I was seventeen and my boyfriend had one. The only thing that bummed me out when we broke up was that I freaking loved riding on the back of his bike. Probably the single thing that guy had going for him, in retrospect. My parents hated it and him.

Please, please, please, I chanted in my head.

“Whaaaat? You want to ride on a big, bad biker’s bike? As in… with boobies against my back? Oh! The scandal!” His expression of mock horror and his falsetto voice had me busting a gut. His sense of humor was winning me over right along with that dimple. And those eyes…. Shit, no lie, he had the whole package. My eyes dipped involuntarily at the thought of the word “package.” Damn, I couldn’t help it! Like I said, I was a hormone-laden, born-again virgin—yeah, I’ve decided that actually is possible—with my senses being assaulted by at least 6’3” of raw, sexy man-god. Or maybe I was a secret closet slut. Sue me.

In anticipation, I held my breath.

He took a step closer to me, and his face lit up with a smile. That dimple was in full force, and I gently touched it with a fingertip, feeling that flutter in my belly as our skin made contact. “I told you this here is illegal. It’s unfair and unjust manipulation.” Evidently, my entering his personal space gave him permission to do the same because his hand reached for my ponytail, and he gently wrapped the long strands around his hand, letting them slide through his fingers as it unwound from gravity and it’s sheer weight.

“And it should be a crime for you to cover this dark, gorgeous hair, but you do it anyway. I knew you were a brunette.” He met my gaze. “It makes your eyes even bluer, if that’s possible. You just gonna stand there looking sexy as hell or you gonna get on the back of my bike, darling? And Bo told me your name, but funny thing is, he doesn’t know much else about you….” His voice took on a deep, husky quality that had my girlie parts tingling. Watching him swing his leg over his bike and settle in took my breath away. With much effort, I peeled my eyes away from his ass and legs. Lordy, he was just too much. For once in… well, forever, I wished I didn’t have all the encumbrances and responsibilities holding me back from being young and carefree. For a brief moment, I wondered what it would be like to be able to bring a man home.

My inner Kassi smacked me and frowned her disapproval at me. Oh, screw off, I told her as I climbed on behind him with an excited smile. I looped my tote handle over my head and one arm, flipping it to my back.

“What are you waiting for? Let’s get this show on the road!” I yelled over the rumble of his motor as I held on for the ride.

“Up All Night”—Hinder

JESUS.

What the hell was wrong with me? First, women didn’t get to me like this. Not for a long damn time. Second, women did not, and I repeat, did not ride on my bike with me. Ever. Lastly, I did not date… not since… well… also for a long damn time. But the feel of this girl’s tits on my back with her body pulled tight to me was making me think all kinds of crazy things I didn’t normally think.

Fuck. Just… fuck.

Good thing it wasn’t too far to where we were heading, because I swore my brain was shutting down every time her body made contact with mine. In fact, my brains may have been leaking straight to her tits. Damn, that was an example of how fucked up my mind was at that moment.

When I turned toward Fillenwarth Beach, she held tight around my waist as we turned to whip a bitch and pulled up in front of the Nautical, my new favorite little bar and grill. It wasn’t my imagination that her fingers ran lightly over my abs after I backed in to a spot in front of the place and cut the power to my engine. For about the millionth time since I first laid eyes on her months ago, I wondered what the chances were I could convince her to come home with me. Vividly depraved visions of how she would look spread out beneath me in my bed, cheeks flushed and panting, flooded my head.

For fuck sake, I need to pull my shit together. Hell, the only women who had ever even been in my home were my mom and sister, yet here I was thinking of bringing her into my private haven.

My bike softly ticked as the motor cooled, and my hand rested on her clasped hands over my abdomen. Before letting her go, I scanned the road, then looked over my shoulder to let her know it was safe to get off.

The look on this gorgeous girl’s face was priceless. The cool air had her cheeks flushed, her crystal-blue eyes sparkling, and her hair had pulled loose from her ponytail in places, leaving soft wisps framing her delicate jaw. The happy smile that covered her face, beautiful even devoid of makeup, lit her up and made her appear so young, I had to question how old she was. She had to be at least twenty-one if she was working at the Shamrock, but shit could be faked. No one knew that more than me.

Bo wasn’t a fountain of information as I had hoped. He knew her name was Kassi and that she only worked the weekends—hell, I knew that already—no friends or family ever came in to see her, and that was about it without looking in her file, because he didn’t get into the dancer’s personal lives. Could I have found out more on my own? Yeah, but only if I went back to one of my computers. And like I said, it seemed incredibly wrong to invade her privacy like that.

Huh. I wasn’t sure where that blip of conscience came from because God knew, with the exception of a few of the brothers’ old ladies, I had a history of deep distrust of women, and honestly, I was a bit of a woman hater. Kassi was just… different.

“How old are you, sweetheart, because right about now you look like a little kid on Christmas morning?” There we go, that was a smooth cover. Okay, so my brain isn’t completely mush. Good to know. She got a coy look and lifted a brow at me. Her slender hand raised and pulled her band from her hair, and she finger combed it to work some of the tangles out. It was like a silky dark curtain that my hands ached to touch.

“Ahh, so what if I am underage? Then what would you do?” Fuck. That was like a bucket of cold water thrown over me. My feet automatically stepped away from her, and I felt my stomach drop to my feet.

Sonofabitch…

Her laughter was rich and enveloping as she grabbed my hand and pulled it to her lips where she placed a laughing kiss to my knuckles. Her eyes glittered with amusement.

“Well, I guess it’s your lucky night because I’m twenty-three.” Her smirk was so damn cute, and the relief that poured over me at her declaration was immense. The little shit. She was going to pay for that.

“Oh, you got jokes, huh? Well, sweetheart, I will remember that…. Now let’s go sit down.” I took her hand, and we walked into the small establishment. Waving at Dusty, the bartender, we wove our way through the crowd to an empty table back in the corner. The waitress came up and set small napkins down, ensuring she leaned over far enough to give me a view down her low-cut shirt and asked us what she could get us. She practically ignored Kassi, and I was about to say something when a soft hand covered mine and a syrupy sweet voice curled around my body and ended right at my dick.

“Hacker, baby, I forget which drink you said I would like here, so just order it for me. After all this time, I trust you.” Then, to my surprise, she leaned over the table, resting those luscious tits on my hands and pressing her full lips to mine before slipping her tongue in my mouth.

Shit, a girl like her just can’t do that to a guy and not have him be all in. My lips, teeth, and tongue damn near devoured her alive before she ended the kiss by biting my bottom lip and tugging it slightly before letting go. Her slender finger slide across my eyebrow, along my jawline, and to my lips where I took it between my teeth and licked the tip before releasing it to speak.

“She’ll take an Crown Apple with cranberry juice. I’ll take a Crown Royal Black, neat.” Frou-frou drinks weren’t my thing, but I remembered hearing Becca, Hollywood’s old lady, order them back in Vegas. As I ordered, I didn’t even make eye contact with the waitress, and I sure as hell couldn’t tell you what she looked like. My eyes were glued to the gorgeous dark-haired minx across the table from me. The waitress mumbled she would be right back and huffed off to the bar to turn in our order.

“So, what the heck was that all about? Not that I’m complaining, mind you, I’m just trying to figure out what I need to do to make that happen once more. Or twice more. Or as many times as I can in one night.” She smirked at me and leaned back in her seat, gazing at me for a minute.

“Well, I just don’t like being ignored because the waitress wants to drool all over my date—umm, not that I think this is a date-date, but well… umm, anyway… she was about to fall out of her top, trying to get your attention, and I see enough boobs in a night without seeing hers. So, I figured I’d give her a big, fat hint that she wasn’t needed tonight. Oh! Unless you’d rather I leave and let you hook up with her instead?” Her eyes went wide in mock innocence, causing me to laugh my ass off at her words, expression, and her general female tactics.

She was like a fresh breath of air to a man held under water for too long. My mind told me I needed to back the fuck up and chill. The interest I had for her couldn’t be more than short term. Long term led to places I swore to never go again in my life—places I didn’t deserve to go.

Not to mention, no matter how beautiful and funny she was, she was still a woman, and therefore not to be completely trusted. Something told me she could easily worm her way inside that cold, dead organ in my chest that somehow managed to circulate my blood, and I could not let that happen. Of course, there was nothing wrong with her being an enjoyable distraction from all the shit we had going on in the club, for the time being. Keep telling yourself that.

“Fair enough. By the way, I hope you like Crown Apple, baby. Oh, and does that mean we’re hooking up? Goodness, you move fast! I thought this was just drinks.” Her face flushed red, despite her laughter. “So, tell me a little about yourself, Kassi…. Is it short for anything, like Kassalene, Kassita, Kassanova?” How I maintained a straight face with those names, I have no clue, but it was so worth the humor I saw dancing in her eyes as she laughed once again. Warmth spread slowly through me at the melodic sound of her laughter and the sight of her smile.

I was so very fucked.

The waitress brought us our drinks, and I paid for them, despite Kassi trying to give the waitress the money for hers. She huffed and puffed a little before conceding and graciously accepting the drink. The waitress walked off after rolling her eyes and muttering under her breath, “Jesus, just let the man fucking pay.” Kassi’s cheeks were flushed a becoming shade of pink, and I couldn’t help but think she was damn adorable.

She sipped from her drink, an obvious stall tactic, before her eyes closed and she made a soft, little groan as she swallowed. Of course, my filthy mind and dick imagined her making those little groans of pleasure as I was fucking the ever-loving hell out of her.

Shit, I was a single man in his twenties, what else would you expect? Just because I rarely had sex these days, didn’t mean my junk didn’t work.

“Damn, that is good. I don’t usually drink, but that is some good shit. I need to remember this for the next time I drink—you know, next year. And for the record, my name is actually Kassandra. Kassi is what I have gone by since I was young. I grew up a ways away from here, but moved here for a change of pace about three or four years ago.” Doing the math quickly in my head, I realized she was around nineteen or twenty when she moved here.

“So, what is a beautiful, smart, young woman like you doing working as a stripper?” I realized there wasn’t necessarily a “type” for a stripper, but despite that, she didn’t seem like a woman who had aspired to be an exotic dancer. She seemed so innocent, smart, and collected. It was hard to reconcile this fresh-faced beauty in front of me as one of our dancers, when she seemed like the quintessential girl next door; one who should have better alternatives. It just didn’t seem to fit for some reason.

“I’ve been working at the Shamrock to pay for college. Not much of a story. We’re not all born rich, and college isn’t free.” Something, along with her lack of eye contact and fiddling with the small black straw from her drink, told me there was a lot more to it than that. What I really wanted to know was why it mattered to me what the rest of the story was. It shouldn’t matter diddly shit what her background included, since I didn’t want her around long term. Right? But some insatiable beast seemed to be trying to claw its way out of me—intent on devouring every detail about the beautiful, dark-haired woman in front of me, running her fingertip through the condensation on the glass.

“So that’s it? No family? What are you going to school for?” Shit. I sure as hell never meant to ask all these questions. Like I said, it didn’t matter. Really, it was irrelevant. If I kept telling myself that, I would believe it and adhere to my thoughts. It just seemed my mouth wasn’t paying any attention to this inner voice of reason, and when it opened, it was pure word vomit.

“Ummm, yeah, not much to tell. No parents.” Her face flickered with a brief glimpse of a deep, ravaging pain. One thing my stint in the Marines taught me was how to read people, but with her, it seemed to be hit or miss. She was pretty good at keeping herself hidden—her real self. Despite that, it was obvious the loss of her parents was either recent, or still deeply painful.

“What about you? My life is really pretty boring. You’re the big, bad, sexy biker dude, surely your story is better than my mundane little life.” Her smile once again jolted my heart like a shock from a defibrillator.

“You think I’m sexy? Nice to know.” The grin that spread across my face was impossible to contain. My ego was preening and arching like a cat inside my head.

“Who’re you kidding? Like that’s not something you’re fully aware of? Every panty for miles around must be wet anytime you come near or open your mouth. The effect you have on women has surely not escaped your notice. Please, don’t act surprised that you affect me physically. It doesn’t mean I’m going to hop in the rack with you, though. Got it? That’s not me. So, if you’re sniffing up that tree, keep moving.” Her sarcastic, dry tone still didn’t ruin the words she had spoken prior to that diatribe. She thought I was sexy. Hell no, I never had a hard time getting women to drop their britches on the few occasions I wanted them to, but like I said, it was a little hard to read her. She seemed so damn closed off. Private.

But she still admitted it. She was turned on by me. My grin wasn’t held back; I didn’t even try.

“First of all, if that were true, that would include my mother and my sister, so no. Just eeeewww, no. Second of all, you think I’m sexy. You admitted it, freely. Say it again.” She rolled her eyes at me but couldn’t hold back a little smile and chuckle. I leaned back in my seat with my hands linked behind my head, waiting for her to admit it again. She crossed her arms over her chest, plumping her already great tits up until they were bursting out of the top of her low-cut T-shirt. Of course, my eyes zeroed in on that. How could they not?

Remember, red-blooded man here.

“You damn well know blood-related family was not included in that statement. That your mind even went there in the first place is slightly disturbing.” Her lips pursed, and a single corner of her mouth raised in humor. I couldn’t help but laugh. This girl had made me laugh more in one night than I probably had in months. Leaning forward, I rested my forearms on the edge of the table before raising my glass to my lips. After the perfect burn of the Crown as it passed my tongue, I opened up to her a little. Well, more than I would with most people.

“Okay, so I went to college on a football scholarship, studying computer science, but got bored before my senior year and dropped out. Joined the Marine Corps—Semper Fi—did a six-year stent, got out, came home, met up with the guys, prospected, patched, and here I am. Parents were not happy about all of that, but they got over it. Sort of. Sister, younger. Two brothers, older. I’m good with computers. I love my bike. What else do you need to know?”

“College boy and military, eh? That’s hot. So, you have a pretty big family. Two older brothers and a younger sister? Are they anything like you? Because if so, I feel sorry for your mom.” She snickered.

“What’s that supposed to mean? And are you trying to say because I’m a biker and a Marine that it’s shocking I went to college? I’m deeply offended, Kassi. And I’ll have you know, I’m damn near perfect, so that would make my mother a happy woman if they were all like me. She could only wish to have been so lucky.” She laughed again at my mock indignation. “You laugh? I’m insulted!” I raised an eyebrow and took another sip of my Crown.

“Oh, Lordy, I need to put my feet up! It’s getting deep in here. But seriously—” Her expression sobered, and she glanced at her glass before looking up at me with those damn thick lashes. “—thank you for convincing me to come here with you. In all honesty, I really needed this. My life has been… well, stressful, to say the least, over the last several years. So anyway, thanks again. I appreciate your persistency. I just feel I need to be upfront with you and make sure you understand this really can’t go anywhere. My life is, umm… complicated, and I just can’t get involved with you. Not just you, I mean anyone.” She stared down at the table as she drank from her rapidly emptying glass.

“Sweetheart, I’m not looking to marry you. And trust me, relationships are not my thing either. That doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy each other’s company in a mutually beneficial way for the night. Right?” My head tipped down to the side in an attempt to get her to look at me. When that didn’t work, I reached across the table and gently tipped her chin up. My finger trailed along her jaw of its own volition. The sensation that bombarded me every time our skin touched was still there, like little ripples of electric current. Hell, just being near her sent this strange wave of energy across my skin. “Do you want another one?” I nodded toward her glass.

“No, but thank you. It’s been awhile since I’ve been on the back of a bike, so I better keep my wits about me. It wouldn’t be good if I fell off, now would it.” She chuckled again.

“Babe, I would never let you fall.” My words were said in dead earnestness, but felt as if they had a double meaning. They were words I actually needed to tell myself, because something told me this girl was different than any other I’d known. With my past, I definitely didn’t need her reading more into this conversation or what may transpire between us.

“Cake By The Ocean”—DNCE

HIS WORDS ECHOED THROUGH my head as I thought about how easy it would be to fall for him. He was gorgeous with his dark, messy hair, sexy beard, and his blue-green eyes. And that body, shit, if he was covered in muscles like I felt on his abs and could see in his arms, then I knew he had that perfect V that led to heaven, or hell, depending on your perspective.

Dammit, why was my mind always going to sex when it came to him?

Because you want to ride him like a cowgirl.

Oh my God, shut up! Great, I was starting to have conversations with my inner slut. That bitch needed to go back to whence she came.

What would it hurt to break this re-virginizing dry spell you’ve been under? Like he said, he doesn’t want a commitment, and you know he’s down to fuck. Casual sex is not a crime, honey.

Shut up! My hand went to my forehead in an attempt to focus my brain and ignore the slut in my head.

“Headache? We can leave if you want. I hate to let you go so soon, but I don’t want you uncomfortable.” And why did he have to be so sweet… and so funny… and so yummy?

Argh! Come on, Kassi. Control. Get some.

“No, I’m good. Just thinking, I guess. So, you don’t do relationships, is there a reason for that? Like, you’ve never had a relationship? Ever? Or have you truly made it into your… what… mid to late twenties without getting bit by the love bug?” A flicker of pain flashed in his eyes, so briefly I would have missed it had I blinked, before he took another sip of his drink, schooled his features, and grinned at me again.

“Why? Jealous if I had?” Nice non-answer. Paired with the expression I saw, it told me there was a story there, and it wasn’t a pretty one. Not that I was going to push it, because he was pretty good at evading questions and we really just met. Another time.

No! We weren’t going to be a thing, so that didn’t matter. For the life of me, I couldn’t fathom why this guy seemed to get under my skin so easily. For crying out loud, I was a stripper, so it wasn’t like I hadn’t gotten my fair share of male interest and propositions, but none of them had ever tempted me like he did.

“Of course not! Why would I be? After all, this is just drinks, right? No relationship, no strings. Doesn’t mean I didn’t want to know if you’ve ever let your guard down enough to let someone in. Curiosity, I guess.” My straw made a slurping sound as I finished the last of my drink. Maybe one more wouldn’t hurt, but the waitress still hadn’t been back to check on us, so I tipped the glass, gathering an ice cube with the tip of my tongue and pulling it into my mouth. When I looked back up at him, his eyes were wide, and he looked like he had swallowed his tongue. The snarky little inner slut in me chewed up the piece of ice and used my tongue to pull out another one. Yes, I knew I was playing with fire….

He gulped down the last of his drink, slapped money down on the table for a tip, and slid out of the booth, grabbing my hand and pulling me behind him. “Let’s go.”

“But I was thinking of getting another drink.” My protest was all bullshit to tease him a little more. It was just too freaking fun to mess with him. He gave a chin nod to the bartender who gave a single raised hand before shouting, “Later, Erik! Thanks for stopping by.”

As we stepped out into the cool night air, he pulled me to the side of the building in front of the place next door, which was obviously getting remodeled, pushing me against the wall, burying his hands in my tangled hair, and pressing his lips to mine. For all of two seconds, I thought about how we were right there in the open for anyone driving by or going in the bar to see. Then his tongue teased the seam of my lips, begging for entrance, and my mind blanked. In supplication, my lips parted, inviting his tongue to invade my mouth before his tongue circled and tormented mine. He tasted of whiskey and heaven.

A moan slipped from me as his body pressed closer. Instinctively, my nipples strained toward him and began tingling, as was an area to the south. Pleading the fifth, I may or may not have ground that southern part closer to the hardness pressed tightly against his dark jeans. Just maybe. One hand left my hair and trailed along my side, slipping around back to run lightly under the back of my shirt before sliding down and cupping my ass to pull me snug against him. Against my better judgement, my leg raised and wrapped around his thigh in an attempt to bring that area of me closer to the thick ridge of his, that was so very prominent.

Yesssss, please, my inner slut moaned. Damn, I couldn’t find it in me to shut her up, because at that moment, we were in total agreement.

When we broke for air, we were both panting like we had run a marathon. My cheek rested on the soft leather on his shoulder and his breath fluttered against the back of my head as he held me close. God, he smelled so damn good.

“Your place?” His voice was almost a growl, evidence that I affected him as much as he affected me. The knowledge stroked my feminine ego just a little. Okay, a lot. When his words sank in, my heart dropped a little with them. There was no way I could bring him home, but I didn’t want to explain about my brother. My personal life needed to stay out of whatever this may be for so many reasons. Once again, I battled with the inner slut.

You know you want whatever he’s packing, don’t try to deny it.

Shut up, I have to think of Matt and keeping this life separate from our family life.

Doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy the pleasure this stud wants to dish your way.

What if that bitch from CPS finds out I’m not just working as a stripper, but screwing a fricking motorcycle club member? Surely that wouldn’t be good….

Oh, come onnnn, live a little!

“No. Your place.” Was that breathless, needy voice mine?

Looks like the inner slut wins, beeotch. Yessssss!

“I can make that happen. Now. Let’s go.” He pressed a firm kiss to my lips then stepped back, looking into my eyes. When he pulled me back to his bike, I found myself questioning my decision and my sanity.

Shit. Come on, girl, don’t back out now. Don’t be a dick tease.

I’m not!

Whatever makes you feel better, but you can’t go telling a guy yes then crying no. That’s a real bitch move, and we’re not a bitch.

Ha! Maybe I’m not.

Shut up and get on the damn bike.

Grrrrrrrr.

After I climbed on behind him and we pulled out into the night, my doubts left. The warmth of his body where I was pressed against him was enough to erase those remaining doubts. That’s when I knew I was committed to sleeping with him. No question. As we raced down the road, my anticipation continued to build. Jesus, I was going to actually do this. I must be crazy.

Yeah, crazy in a good way though.

My eyes rolled at my continuous inner dialogue with my devilish conscience, aka the inner slut. This was what happened when you didn’t have time for friends. Take note.

We were heading out of town past the strip club and toward Grantsville. Just before we reached the outskirts though, we turned south off the highway and into a little housing development that looked like it was older, but well kept. Slowing, he pulled into the driveway of a surprisingly nice bi-level home. It was hard to tell the exact color in the dark.

The garage door raised, and he pulled his bike in, parking next to a sexy-as-hell, red, vintage Dodge Charger. It was freaking be-yoooooou-teeeee-full. Any other time, I would have been salivating all over it, but we were on a mission. The garage door closed behind us, and he shut off the engine to the bike.

“Not really that I want you to, but this is the last chance I’m giving you to change your mind. You say no, we head straight back to your car.” His deep voice resonated off the enclosed space of the garage. Without hesitation, I climbed off the bike and boldly reached up to cup the front of his jeans. If I was doing this, I was going all in. My nails raked against the slight bulge, and I felt him enlarge as a growly groan escaped him. His head was tilted back, and his eyes were closed. “Motherfucker, baby, there’s no going back now, unless you’re intent on killing me,” he ground out. When his eyes opened, they appeared deep teal in the dim light of the garage. Damn, they were heavenly, and I could totally get lost in them if I let myself.

“Does it seem like I want to back out of this?” Where was this bold wench coming from?

Ummm… hello, I’ve been here the whole time. You just keep locking me up!

It was as if my Sparkle persona was coming out, even though I was far from the stage. It made me wonder if who I was onstage was really so far away from the real me. Maybe it was just my subconscious way of separating the job I did from who I was as a person. Maybe a part of me was carefree, confident, and sexual, and I just kept that part of me compartmentalized to justify what I did to pay the bills. Who knew? Sigmund Freud I was not, and the psychology lesson would have to wait.

He still sat straddling his bike as I leaned over to kiss his lips, ending the light kiss with a gentle bite to his lower lip before tugging it slightly. Lightning fast, his hands snaked around my waist and lifted, pulling me so I straddled his bike, facing him. My ass rested on his tank and my legs sat over the tops of his thighs, ankles crossed on the seat behind him. He fitted me tight against him, grinding my crotch against his erection.

Holy hell, just that little bit of contact had me tingling, and I felt my panties get wet. God, he did insane things to my body. I felt on fire everywhere we touched. He angled his head to take control of my lips in a passionate kiss that sent my heart racing, my girlie parts clenching, and me gasping for breath. Wow.

Now let me remind you, I’m not a slut. I don’t consider myself easy. I’m not a “bad girl” either. Okay? Being a stripper didn’t make me a bad girl, or a bad person, it was just a job. Never had I dated—or slept with—a customer. Nor did I mess with the guys from the MC. That was not my thing, and it never interested me before. It was too cliché, I guess—the stripper and the biker. That sounded like a cheesy romance novel and caused me to snicker in my head.

However, I had that inner-slut, evidently, who thought I’d had enough celibacy and this was the guy to break the drought with. Who was I to argue? Anyway, back to my story…

That was easily the hottest kiss I had ever experienced. When he broke off, our foreheads rested together, and we sat breathing the other’s scent in deep, ragged breaths. He kissed me chastely on the cheek and swatted my ass playfully before lifting me off his lap and getting off the bike.

“Come on, baby.” His hand grasped mine, and he led me up a short set of stairs into his home. I tried not to be too nosey, but I noticed a bright, open kitchen that had the light on over the stove. Stainless steel appliances gleamed in the dim light. We walked past the living room, shrouded in darkness, and down a short hall to a door leading into what was obviously his bedroom. As he flipped on the light, I noticed the bedding was an earth-tone blend in a geometric print, and the headboard was a padded dark brown leather. There was a large contemporary piece above the bed, and I had to wonder if he had actually decorated this room himself, because it seemed too “Better Homes and Garden” for a biker. Can’t lie, I was pretty impressed with his bedroom.

“Wow. Nice room. Can I use the bathroom real quick?” He showed me where it was, and I closed the door. I looked in the large mirror over the double sink and placed my cool hands over my burning cheeks. Second thoughts bombarded me.

Shit, what was I doing? Maybe I should just tell him I wanted to go home. Be that girl. Ugh! I was so stupid. Sure, I could put on the character for the stage, but I was no seductress. Maybe he thought that was the real me on stage and he would be sadly disappointed.

Fuck it. I’m doing this.

After taking care of my bathroom business, I washed my hands and splashed cool water on my face before opening the door into the bedroom. Hacker had shed his cut, and it rested on the chest at the foot of his bed. He stood in his tight black T-shirt with his jeans slung low on his hips, leaning against the wall by the bathroom door. His gaze shifted from my face and slide over my body, giving me chills as if it was his hands were skimming my curves. My heart raced, and I knew I should make sure he knew what he was getting. Or maybe I could pull off Sparkle and just enjoy this for what it was—a one-night, kick-ass experience.

He pushed off the wall, stepped toward me with his green-blue eyes intense, and slid his fingers into my hair, pulling my face closer to his. My hands pressed against his chest and gripped his T-shirt, pulling him closer to me as his tongue slipped past my lips, entering in an erotic dance with mine. Without conscious thought, my hands had grasped the bottom of his shirt and tugged it upward. He took the shirt from me, pulled it over his head, and tossed it to the floor before reaching for my jacket to slide it off my shoulders, letting it drop to the floor with his shirt.

Awww, hell, it looks like we’re doing this thing. Because there was no way I could have said no after seeing his sculpted body and the beautiful swirling patterns of his ink as it flowed over his shoulders and onto his chest. His chest had two swooping swallows, with a smaller scroll tattoo over his heart, which had flowing words in the tattered scroll, reading “Never held, but never forgotten” with a date. I made a mental note to ask about it later. Pulling my shirt over my head, I told myself, like it or not, I was all in now.

“Hook, Line & Sinker”—Royal Blood

AFTER SHE PULLED HER shirt over her head, I scooped her up and dropped her in the center of my bed. She was damn near spilling out of her bra, and I knew I had to get that scrap of lace, and everything else that separated her from me… off. Slowly, I climbed on the bed and kissed the top of her tits before slipping my tongue down under the lace edge. My hand slid underneath her and unhooked her bra, allowing me to slide it off her shoulders and toss it to the side. Everything after that was a blur until we were laying naked together with our tongues and legs tangled. My hands had roamed every inch of her I could reach.

Her skin was like silk over her toned, tight body. She took good care of herself and it showed. Hell, she was a dancer, but anyone who watched her performances knew she was more than a stripper; she was an artist on stage. My hand slid slowly up the inside of her thigh to cup her mound. Her breathing became erratic as I ran my fingers through her silky folds, feeling for the telltale wetness indicating we were on the same page with this. Thank fucking God.

My fingers slid through her slippery moisture, teasing her until she showed me she couldn’t handle much more. When I inserted one finger into her tight warmth, she moaned and bit my bottom lip. Her tongue then ran along it before she drew it into her mouth.

Without breaking the contact of our lips, I reached into my nightstand and pulled a condom from the drawer. So glad I had tossed a few in there on a whim. Fuck, I had wanted to take my time with her and enjoy every inch of her before we went further, but she was driving me crazy with need. She must have heard my rustling around in the drawer and the crinkle of the wrapper as I tried to open it with both hands over her head because she reached up and took it from me to open it. A moan slipped from me as she reached between us, grabbed my cock in one hand, and slowly rolled it down my length.

As the tip of my cock slid up and down through her wet center, she squeezed her knees tightly, panting. Her hands framed my face, and she breathlessly whispered, “Wait!” Well, fuck me running. I was going to have blue balls from hell from this girl.

“Hacker, God, I’m sorry, I just need you to understand I don’t usually do this. I mean, I’ve done this before, I’m not a virgin or anything, but you know…. It’s been awhile. For me. I don’t sleep with customers. Or your brothers. In the club, I mean. God, I’m sorry. I’m not trying to ruin the mood. I just….” Her cheeks flushed a cute pink as she rambled.

“It’s okay, baby. If you don’t want to, we can stop. I ain’t gonna lie, my dick and balls aren’t gonna be too happy, but I’m a big boy, and I’ve never forced a woman before. I’m certainly not going to start now. It’s all right.” When I made a move to get off her, she grabbed my upper arm and the back of my neck, pulling me closer.

“No, I didn’t mean I don’t want to. I just wanted you to know I’m not some cheap slut just because I dance on that stage. That’s all.” Her eyes glittered with unshed tears, and I gathered her close with my arms tucked underneath her, my hands fisting in her hair. My lips brushed along her neck and up to her earlobe, my teeth tugging it gently before I whispered in her ear.

“I know you haven’t been with any of my brothers. You think we don’t talk? You think every one of them without an old lady hasn’t wanted to be in my position? You’re like the elusive wisp of smoke everyone tries to catch. The general consensus was you were in a serious relationship or felt you were too good for anyone from the club.” Taking a deep breath, I spelled it out.

“Look, I feel I need to be honest with you too. You need to understand that this is just… well… what it is. I’m not looking for a relationship. That’s just not me. Quite frankly, I’m an asshole with women.” Not that there had been that many, probably because of my general asshole-like qualities. “If you’re looking for sunshine, roses, the white picket fence, 2.2 kids and a puppy, you’re looking in the wrong place. Are you okay with that?” My breath teased her skin as I spoke.

Her legs finally fell open and her hips raised toward me, pushing me against her heated core again. When she whispered, “I want you.” It was all I could do not to slam deep in her. She had no idea how hard it was to hold myself in check and enter her with slow deliberation. As I slid just partway in, she gasped and tensed.

“It’s okay, baby. Relax. Breathe.” My muscles were quivering with the control I was exerting by holding myself back. God knew I wasn’t small, and she was so fucking tight. When I felt her body start to relax against me, I slid further in, allowing her to acclimate to my intrusion into her core.

“I’m good,” she breathed as her legs wrapped around my hips and thighs, tugging me closer to her warmth until I was completely buried balls deep in her hot, constricted sheath. Jesus, had any other woman ever felt this good?

Being a normal man, even though I may not have had a harem of women in my past, I still loved sex. Let’s face it, sex feels good. Before her, I would have said one pussy was as good as another when your dick was buried in them. Tonight was making a liar of me if I had ever said that. She was like sinking into nirvana. Her toned arms and legs were entangled with mine, and her sheath pulsed around me. Softly, I kissed her once more before I began to move in and out of her heavenly warmth. With each stroke out, I found myself rushing to bury myself back in her. The pleasure was simply indescribable.

“You feel so. Fucking. Good.” Each word was punctuated by a grunt I couldn’t suppress.

Our bodies were both already slick with sweat as I worked to maintain a steady rhythm. My mouth nipped and licked along her body until I was able to pull her nipple between my lips and draw her deep into my mouth. She tasted salty and sweet at the same time as my tongue swirled around her breast. My mouth released the one breast with a pop, and I devoured the other. Her fingers tightened on my back before sliding down to grip my ass. Vaguely, I registered her nails digging in as I continued to thrust into her luscious warmth.

My lips and teeth worked back up to her neck and then to her mouth where I captured her lips with my own. It was like I couldn’t get enough of her taste… her feel… her scent. I wanted to consume her. There was no doubt she was about to come when her body tensed. Her head arched back, pressing into the pillow, and her breasts pressed up into my chest. Speeding up, I thrust deep into her, eliciting a breathy groan from her each time my cock bottomed out in her. God, she needed to come soon because I could feel myself getting closer to detonating with each little gasp slipping from her kiss-swollen lips. Jesus H. Christ, it wouldn’t be long.

“God, baby, come for me. I want to feel that pussy tightening around my cock until I lose myself in you,” I growled into her mouth. As soon as I felt her grind against me while her walls clenched and throbbed around my cock, I was done for. Thrusting deep one last time, my head back with gritted teeth, my own body tensed with the explosion from my cock. Coming with her was sheer rapture running through my body like whitewater rapids crashing violently. When my body was done pulsing into her, I collapsed, grabbing her in my arms as I rolled to my back, leaving her so her leg was halfway over mine and her head was resting comfortably on my chest.

My hand ran absently up and down her back as we lay there in silence. Not sure how she felt, but I felt like someone had rocked my world to the core. It had been a long time since I’d felt possessive. In fact, I had gone out of my way to remain detached in my sexual encounters for a reason, but as my hand stroked her satiny skin, a mantra ran through my head over and over. Mine… mine… mine…

We lay quietly for long enough, I was sure she had fallen asleep. My mind wandered absently as I stared at the ceiling trying to make sense of how I was feeling. So when she raised her head, propping her chin on her fist over my chest, I was a little surprised.

“So, I hate to be a party pooper, but I really need to get home.” Her pretty eyes blinked guileless at me. That was what I said I wanted, right? But if I was truly honest with myself, it disappointed me to hear she didn’t want to stay the night.

What the hell? Since when did I want a woman to stay afterward? Usually, I was quite happy to kick their ass to the curb. Then again, I didn’t usually bring women here, it was only ever my room at the club. She was different, though. Special in a way that I didn’t want to examine too deeply. All my rules seemed to go out the window when it came to her. If I were honest, I also didn’t want her at the clubhouse where my brothers would drool over her. She was mine and I didn’t want to share her any more than I did because of her job. My hand slid down to briefly squeeze her ass cheek.

“Well, hot stuff, you’re gonna have to get up if I need to get you back to your car. Or did you want me to drop you off at home? If you do, I could pick you up tomorrow night to take you to work and you could leave your car at the club for tonight. If you wanted. Unless….” Fuck! I did not almost ask her to stay. Did I? She rolled over and sat on the edge of the bed for a moment before she stood and looked at me over her shoulder.

“I really do need to get my car, but thank you for the offer. And considering our agreement, it would probably not be advisable for me to stay.” Eyes drinking in her every movement, I watched her for a moment as she nervously gathered her scattered clothing and took them into the bathroom to clean up and change. Trying to keep my mind clear, I disposed of the condom in the trash by my bed and entered the bathroom after she came out dressed, to get a washcloth and clean up. As I pulled my jeans on and grabbed a clean Henley shirt, I watched her from the corner of my eye. She sat on the edge of the bed looking at her hands as they twisted in her lap. My boots on, I grabbed my cut and shrugged it on.

“You okay?” Her eyes looked up at me, and I read anxiety and what I hoped wasn’t regret in them. My hand reached out to hers as she stood, and I wrapped her in my arms.

“Yeah, it’s just been awhile, and I’m feeling a little ummm, trampy, I guess. The whole ‘one-night stand thing’ is always a little unnerving to me. Stupid, huh? Sorry. I don’t mean to get all emotional on you.” She stepped away from me. “I’m ready when you are.”

I nodded, and we headed back out to my garage.

“You want to take my car or are you okay with riding back on my bike?” Where was this considerate dickhead coming from? Damn. She bit her lip and looked at me with wide eyes before her mouth broke into a bright smile.

“Would you mind the bike? I don’t know when I’ll ride one again, and I just, well, thought I would enjoy it while I could, you know?” When she smiled that big, bright, beautiful smile, I would have carried her on foot if she asked. I chuckled at her eagerness to ride despite the cooler temps of the evening.

“A woman after my own heart. Let’s go.” The garage door rolled up, and I backed the bike out, turning it around in the driveway. When she climbed on and snuggled up close to my back, it felt like the most natural feeling in the world. One I needed to squash. For both our sakes.

We took off into the night, and I swore I felt the slight rumbled of laughter vibrate through my back from her chest.

“Believer”—Imagine Dragons

AS WE GOT CLOSER to the club, my heart ached at the thought of the night ending. Hacker was an attentive and proficient lover. The pleasant ache between my legs was a reminder of how amazing the night had been. It was almost closing time, and there were still a parking lot full of cars and bikes tonight. He pulled up behind my car and shut off his bike. As I climbed off, I was left feeling awkward and unsure of what to do or say. With my bag clutched tight to my abdomen, I looked at the ground and then up into his beautiful eyes.

“So, umm, thanks. Tonight was nice.”

“Just nice? Damn, I must be slipping.” His words and smirk broke the tension, and I laughed.

“So yeah, it was better than nice. Really amazing, actually. Thank you for the drink and the absolutely amazing sex and the ride back. How about that?” My smile couldn’t be suppressed as I took in his dimple and the laughter in his eyes.

In a moment of bravery, I leaned over to press a kiss on his full lips. I was trying to etch every detail of tonight in my head so I could pull it out and live it again on those lonely nights on my couch at home. My mind knew we couldn’t repeat this night. Not with everything going on in my life. My heart, on the other hand, was a fanciful, hopeful creature.

Besides, he had been honest with me. He and the guys from the MC didn’t seem like the relationship type. Of course, that didn’t mean a girl couldn’t dream, and hell, after that performance, I would’ve loved to have a repeat with him. Any damn time he wanted. Damn. With a sigh, I walked to my car.

After I unlocked my door and tossed my bag to the passenger seat, I looked over at him again. He was still sitting silently on his bike watching me with hungry eyes. So, I gave him a little wave and climbed into the car, locking the door and turning the key to start it. Only it sounded sluggish, and then it just clicked. I tried it again. Still nothing. What the hell? Even though I knew it wasn’t going to be any different, I tried again. Nothing.

Startled, I jumped at the tapping on my window. Hacker’s face looked at me as he leaned down to gaze in the window, and I opened the door.

“My car doesn’t want to start.” Duh. I’m sure he could tell that by listening to the fact that my car wasn’t running. Sometimes I swore I opened my mouth and stupid just rolled right on out. Ugh!

“Try it again and let me listen.” I did, and he said, “Sounds like your battery or maybe your starter. How old is your battery?” Seriously? Should I know that?

“Ummm, I got it with the car? But the car was new when I got it.” How long did a battery last? I thought they could last pretty much forever since the alternator kept charging it. Right?

“Yeah, so it’s probably your battery. You’re lucky it lasted this long.” Shithead smirked at me, and I wanted to smack him. “If I had brought my car, we could try to jump you, but I can’t with my bike. If you want, I can give you a ride home and have one of the prospects pick up your car in the morning, check it out, and change out the battery or starter at the shop. I’ll have them drop it at your house when it’s done.”

Shit. It didn’t look like I had much of a choice. My insurance was bare minimum and covered neither a tow, nor a starter or battery replacement. Also, I didn’t really have the extra cash for repairs, but I didn’t want to admit that to him. It was embarrassing. I would just have to cut back on the grocery budget and eat smaller meals. Hopefully Matt wouldn’t notice, or he’d be on my ass for that too.

Sighing in defeat, I climbed back out of my car after grabbing my tote from the seat. Dammit. This was just my luck. Why did it always feel as if the gods were conspiring against me?

“I’m sorry. I know you would much rather be going back home to bed. I can call a taxi and probably get a ride over to your shop before they close tomorrow, so I can pay for it. I don’t want you to go out of your way any more than you already have. It’s not your responsibility. I appreciate your help with this, though. Thanks.” He leaned his arms on either side of me on the roof of my car, trapping me up against the side.

“It’s no bother at all, really,” he said, tipping his head to the side and ducking down a little to be able to look in my downcast eyes. When I raised my gaze to him, he straightened only to lean toward me until his lips brushed mine as he spoke. “I’ll just have to find a way for you to make it up to me.” I caught the slight smile before he kissed me with a gentleness I wasn’t expecting.

Wow. Every time he kissed me, it was like the first time. When he pulled away, I stood there stunned, with my eyes closed, heart racing and lips parted. After I finally opened them, he was looking at me with a slightly confused expression before he hid it behind his signature smirk.

“Let’s get going. Give me your car key, and I’ll take care of everything.” I was still a little nervous about giving my car key over to a man I didn’t really know. Yet you slept with him. No, correction, you screwed his brains out. Shut up. Stupid conscience. Reluctantly, I handed him my key after fighting briefly with the key ring to get it off.

We returned to his bike, and after I gave him directions to my apartment, he pulled out into the cool night. All the way there, I prayed Matt was sleeping when we arrived.

The bike rumbled up in front of my apartment before I knew it, and he cut the engine. I climbed off and stood there not knowing exactly what to do, so I busied my hands with the strap of my tote, situating it on my shoulder just right and holding the straps.

“So. Déjà vu. Thanks again. For everything, I mean. Tonight and the car. You know.” My hands twisted the strap over my shoulder over and over. That awkward feeling was back again.

“Hey, it’s okay. No need to be nervous, Kassi. We’re adults, right? It’s all good. I had a great time tonight, and I actually wanted to thank you. Because I know that’s not your typical M.O., and I’m flattered you were willing to spend time with me. I really had a great time. Maybe next time you can stay afterward.” What the hell is an M.O.? Next time? Shit. He wanted a next time? My inner slut was jumping up and down clapping her hands. The good, responsible me was looking sternly at me and shaking her head.

“Kassi? What the hell? Where’s the car and who the hell is that?” With guilt bearing down on me, I looked up to the second-floor balcony where Matt stood with his hands resting on the railing, staring down at me with a frown before glaring suspiciously at Hacker. Aww hell. So much for my little brother not finding out about tonight. Taking a covert glance at Hacker, it was hard not to notice his tense posture and narrowed eyes as he gazed up at Matt.

“Okay, then. Ummm, thanks again for the ride. See you tomorrow.” With a quick wave to Hacker, I turned and raced up the stairs. When I got to the top, Matt sat frowning down at me with arms crossed over his chest and a raised eyebrow.

“You didn’t answer me, Kassi. Where’s the car? And who the hell was that?”

Shit, who was the older sibling, anyway? I scowled at him, muttering, “Not now,” and rushed in the apartment. I caught him turning his scowl toward Hacker before he entered behind me and closed the door with a firm hand. Then I heard Hacker’s bike start up, rev loudly, and take off down the road. Crap. Just peachy. I had two men pissed at me. One my brother, and the other a man I just randomly slept with, and I sure as hell didn’t like feeling like a chastised child from either one of them.

“First of all, I don’t owe you an explanation, Matt. I’m the older sister, remember, and I’m a grown woman. So, I got a ride home. No biggie. The car battery is dead, so I was lucky Hacker was there and able to give me a ride home.” Suddenly exhausted, I plopped my bag on the floor and headed to the hall closet to grab my blankets and pillow I stashed there during the day. When I turned to head back to the couch, Matt stood blocking my way, arms crossed with that damn cocked eyebrow again. Little brat. Lord, I loved him, but he was trying my patience tonight. Holding my pillow and blankets, I let out a sigh.

“Matt, I’m tired and I need to shower and get some sleep.”

“Dammit, Kassi. I knew you working at that place was a bad idea. Now you have bikers bringing you home? What the hell? How do you even know him? What if he didn’t bring you home, but instead took you somewhere and, like, took advantage of you or hurt you? Not to mention, what the hell kind of name is Hacker? Jesus, Kassi!”

My face flushed when he mentioned Hacker taking advantage of me. He didn’t know how close to the truth he was, of course it wasn’t either of us taking advantage of the other. It was very, very mutual.

“Hacker’s a nice guy. Believe it or not. As you can see, I’m safe. No worries. And besides, his club is the one who owns the Shamrock. He’s there every weekend pulling security. So I was and am perfectly safe. I promise. Now, if the interrogation is done, Father, I’m getting in the shower.” I smirked at his serious I’m-still-not-happy-with-you face and shook my head. After closing the bathroom door, I leaned against it and worried my bottom lip with my teeth.

Did I make a mistake tonight? Get caught up in a moment? Ugh no! What am I thinking? I’m a grown woman, without a boyfriend. I can do what I want. We were safe—I have an IUD, and he used a condom. It’s all good. What’s the big deal really? Except now he knows where I live, and he has seen what I look like out of my “Sparkle” shell.

How was I supposed to act when I saw him at work the next night? It was easy to tell myself I could always just act like nothing happened. Of course, it may be easier said than done, but no one needed to know that. That way, if he was just blowing smoke up my butt and he didn’t want to see me again, I could salvage some of my dignity. Hell, maybe he wouldn’t even be the club member on security detail tomorrow night.

But you know you want to see him there again, because if there is anyone you want to dance for, it’s him…. Oh, for God’s sake. Damn, inner slut, go away.

“Wicked Game”—Theory Of A Deadman

SATURDAY NIGHT AND I was walking into a damn strip club. Okay, it was our club and I was on duty, but I actually hated strip joints. Unfortunately, I would be there every single night just for the chance to see Kassi if she danced nightly. She was amazing to watch, yes, but I simply liked being close to her—another abnormality for me that I wasn’t willing to analyze at this time. What I hated was other men looking at her, touching her, fantasizing about her. Just thinking about it had me getting pissed off.

Let it go, man, she’s not yours. Shaking my head at my own foolishness, I wandered past the tables toward the bar.

It was still early, and she wasn’t scheduled to be in for another couple hours or so. A stacked brunette was dancing, but she didn’t appeal to me. None of them did, except Kassi. Frustrated, I grabbed a stool at the end of the bar where I could visit with Bo and keep an eye on the handful of customers populating the club at this early hour. Often, I wondered what their lives were like that they would frequent a strip club alone this early on a Saturday night. My mind wandered to the possibilities as I sipped my Crown Black. As usual, I enjoyed the tingling burn as I nursed it. The rest of the night would be water, so I was savoring this glass.

The night had been dragging by. There had been any number of dancers paraded across the stage, but none of them had done a damn thing for me. I’d been trying to watch for when Kassi came in, but it had been really busy, and I ended up having to step in with the bouncers to break up a fight between a couple of drunk asses and their friends fighting over who the dancer thought was better looking and who she was going home with.

My eyes rolled at the thought. Little did either of the dumbasses know the dancer they had fought over was a lesbian and couldn’t have given a rat’s ass about either one of them. Stupid fucks.

I had just taken my seat back in the corner when “Bad Girlfriend” by Theory of a Deadman started to play on the speakers. My gaze traveled the room, making sure nothing was amiss before taking in the stage to watch for assholes trying to mess with the dancer. When the spotlight lit up on the dancer, the glittering mask and blonde hair made my heart race. Kassi had taken the stage, and I never even saw her come in. Watching her body undulate, twist, turn, and slide along the stage and pole had my fucking dick at attention. Jesus. Innumerable dancers had crossed the stage already, and he couldn’t have cared less. It was not like him, or me, to get caught up in any single girl. That right there told me I needed to back off. There was no room in my life for complications, and starting something regular—I wouldn’t even go so far as to think the other “r” word—would definitely be considered a complication. And for God’s sake, I was referring to my dick as if it was a person. Christ almighty.

Not to mention, I had been taken by surprise when the guy at her apartment called out to her last weekend when I brought her home. Was he the reason she had to get home? She said she wasn’t married, but I wasn’t exactly sure what their relationship was. It didn’t matter, it was just another reason to stay the fuck away from her. If she would fuck around on him, she would… didn’t matter… wasn’t going there.

When her eyes found mine in the crowd, I saw her smile become just a hint bigger, and she kept looking my way throughout the rest of her routine. I tried my best to appear as though I was watching the crowd, not her, but my peripheral vision and overt glances when she wasn’t facing me never missed a second of her movements. When one of the customers reached up and grabbed her ankle as she was blowing kisses to the crowd and sauntering off the stage, I nearly came unglued as I jumped from my seat to get to her.

My feet froze in their tracks as the bouncer, Bull, was on that shit in a flash. Fuck. She wasn’t my responsibility, I told myself. I was only there to help when the bouncers couldn’t handle shit or if the Demon Runners showed their faces. We had taken out several of their members when they had tried to lure us in to an ambush with Hollywood’s old lady, but we didn’t get them all and we knew they were still lurking around town, waiting to get even; we just hadn’t seen them lately.

My hand scrubbed my face as I tried to clear my thoughts, and I sat back down. Maybe I needed to ask Snow to take me off the weekend shift or alternate me with one of the other guys—wean myself off her. Besides my hands itching to touch her again, it was also starting to drive me crazy that all these pricks were seeing her damn near naked. Now that I had been with her, it was getting harder and harder not to yank her ass off the stage and wrap her in my shirt or throw her over my shoulder and take off with her caveman style. The problem with changing my schedule was I felt myself starting to get frustrated at the thought of not being there to keep Kassi safe.

She had become my addiction.

If I was honest with myself, I needed this little bit of contact, even if it was only visual, to give me my fix. If I was being smart and cutting ties, I needed to at least see her—even if it was pure torture to lay eyes on her but not be able to touch her. Fuck, I was turning into a goddamn pussy.

Fuck it.

When I got up from my stool and wandered back to the dressing area, I knew for a certainty I was losing my fucking mind. Making up excuses, I told myself I just wanted to talk to her for a few minutes. Make sure she was doing okay.

Cinnamon was walking out as I approached the door, and she grinned as she watched me walk purposefully closer to her. “Hey, Hacker, now who might you be looking for? Maybe a certain ‘sparkly’ little blonde?”

A smirk was her answer.

“You need me to go get her or do you want to walk the gauntlet back there for her?” Considering most of these girls would love to get themselves attached to a club member, it was indeed a risky venture, indeed. Laughing, I shook my head. “Yeah, I’ll go to her. After all, she’s worth the battle, right?”

Just as I prepared to pass by, she side-stepped in front of me and her expression transformed to something serious. “Hacker, don’t fuck around and hurt her. She acts tough, and she is, but she’s also fragile in ways that would make it easy for a guy like you to tear her apart.”

“A guy like me? What’s that supposed to mean? I’m a great guy.” Trying to make light of the situation, I poured all my charm on and gave her my signature Hacker smile. “She’s a big girl, and I’m pretty sure she can handle her own, but I’m not looking to hurt her in any way. Besides, two consenting adults can’t hurt one another, as long as the expectations are clear.”

Cinnamon pursed her lips and stepped to the side to let me pass. “Make sure you’re clear with her then, hon. She has a lot of things weighing on her. Between school and her brother, she worries a lot, already. Of anyone, she deserves to have some enjoyment for herself, but not at the expense of getting hurt.” As she walked away, instead of being pissed that she had the nerve to confront me, I found myself glad that Kassi had someone who was looking out for her.

Her brother, huh? Hopefully, that was the guy at her apartment. I felt stupid being jealous of a guy who was probably her brother. Making a mental note to clarify what had been bothering me for the past week, I entered the lion’s den.

Weaving through half naked women who took every opportunity to eye fuck me and grope me, my stride never slowed and my eyes never strayed from my destination. Sitting on a small stool in front of a vanity, the beautiful woman consuming my thoughts sat touching up her makeup. As I stopped behind her, our eyes met in the mirror. Initially, hers registered shock at my presence, then her lips curled into a sweet smile, and my heart lurched in my chest.

“Hey, you.” She spun around in her chair to look up at me. “To what do I owe this act of bravery? You’re lucky none of them jumped your sexy ass on your way over here.”

Without even realizing I was making a movement, my hand flipped her hair over her shoulder to trail my fingers down her neck to her shoulder, then slid across her collar bone before slipping down between her luscious breasts. Her silken skin was a powerful magnet to the insignificant flakes of metal that were my hands.

“Needed to see you.” No—needed to touch her, because for the last week, seeing wasn’t enough. “And I got a good taste of how you all feel up there on stage, because my balls and ass may have been mauled more than a bone in a room full of puppies.”

A chuckle escaped her, but it was obvious she wasn’t unaffected by the contact of our skin, because her eyelids became heavy, her lips parted, and her head tipped to the side to provide better access to her glowing pink skin. She was not only beautiful, she was sexy as fuck.

“You saw me. Now what?” Her voice was a husky rasp, another tell that she loved my touch.

“Now what? Now, I tell you I want you to spend the night with me tonight. I’m not into playing games. I want you in my bed.” Her lips teased my dick with the surprised “o” they formed. It was begging me to slide it in the perfect opening her lips provided. She made me feel like a horny teenager.

“Holy shit. You don’t mince words, do you?” The look of surprise left as quick as it had flashed across her face. The coy expression on her face made me want to bend her over her vanity in front of God and everyone.

“Why should I?”

“Sex and Candy”—Maroon 5

WHY SHOULD HE? INDEED, he shouldn’t. Now, let me be serious for a moment. After the amazing night I had spent with him, he hadn’t said much, just watched me, so I figured he was a one and done kind of guy. Which I was okay with, because we had initially agreed not to make it into more than that. Don’t mistake that to mean I didn’t want another chance to worship his classic Greek-God-like body, but I worried about things getting ugly if our relationship became public. By relationship, I meant fuck-buddy status.

Then again, who did I really need to answer to? Matt would be eighteen in a couple of months. CPS probably wouldn’t mess with us too much. It was more keeping the dancing I’d been doing to pay the bills, from affecting my future job as a nurse. If I was able to quit, it might be different, but I didn’t want the connections to come to light. That was the whole reason for my elaborate disguise in the first place.

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” Please say yes, please say yes. Matt was with his friends at the lake for the night, so I wouldn’t have to worry about explaining where I had been. The timing was actually pretty damn perfect.

“Babe, not only do I think it’s a good idea, I think it’s a brilliant idea.” His boyish grin was my undoing. The sweetness and charm were such a contrast to his bad boy appearance that it completely took me out at the knees. Fucking-A, he was beautiful. Rugged, hot and inked, the perfect combo.

“In that case, I get off at one tonight. I’ll follow you to your house?”

“Sounds fucking perfect.” Watching him lean in, my lips anticipated the intoxicating touch of his, but the jolt of electricity that shot from where our lips touched, straight to my pussy was completely unexpected. It caused my breath to stutter as he pulled away.

“See you soon, doll.” Aww hell, I was going to have to be careful.

Careful, Schmareful. Who cares? Let that boy use you and abuse you for as long as you can.

Jesus, not you again.

Honey, I never left.

Grrrrrr why? Why was I having conversations with my inner slut?

Shutting down the inner slut within me—who I knew was going to get her way, I finished getting ready for my last two sets.

As I gazed at the stranger in the mirror, there were two things I knew for certain. 1) One a.m. couldn’t come soon enough. 2) My heart was in serious danger with this guy.

Pulling my car in his driveway, I watched as the headlight of his bike turned in and the garage door opened. He pulled into the garage and I got out of my car to enter behind him. It was impossible not to notice how well his jeans hugged his ass as he brought his leg over the bike and stood. When he ruffled his hair into haphazard tufts, my mouth went dry. He was by far the hottest guy I’d ever laid eyes on.

Perfection was the only descriptive word I could think of to describe him as he walked toward me. When we were toe to toe, he wove his fingers in my hair to cradle my head and buried his nose in my hair. His breath feathered across my head as he sat for a few moments just smelling me. “God, Kassi, you should never cover this hair. It’s like the darkest chocolate. You know, not the dark chocolate of those little candy bars my mom always bought, but the special dark ones.”

“Are you serious?” I giggled. It was impossible not to laugh a little at his comparison. He just grinned and nipped my neck.

Those broad hands left my hair to cup my ass. Hoisting me up, he pulled me tight against his rock-hard erection so I obliged by wrapping my legs tight around his hips. My ass was then pressed against the wall so he could free a hand to open the door. The door he then kicked shut as he kept walking and entered his bedroom. With a growl, we both fell to the bed with his forearms holding him up to keep him from crushing me.

Words became nonexistent as our hands grasped and pulled at each other’s clothing. Our lips slammed together and it was nothing but a thrashing of tongues, biting, sucking, nipping for dominance. There was no winner, though. Just frenzied lust.

Once we were both naked as the day we were born, he flipped me to my belly and pushed my mane of hair to the side. Whimpers snuck from deep inside me as he licked and nipped his way across my shoulders and trailed down my spine. When he reached my ass, he grasped each cheek in his hands and squeezed before biting first one cheek then the other.

Warmth and wetness flooded to the juncture of my thighs, even though I shouted a startled, “Hey!” when his teeth had closed on my ass cheeks.

“Shh! Don’t make me spank this perfect ass. Though I would love to see my hand print painted on your beautiful, creamy skin. Besides, you obviously didn’t mind too much.” His hand had dipped between my thighs, where a single finger had then slid through the moisture and along my slit. “Unless your body lies, and I very much doubt that.” Gathering my cream on his finger he reached farther down to circle my clit, causing me to turn and bite the comforter under my cheek. My back arched and my ass raised to tip my sex closer to him. Better access and all….

“You want me, don’t you? Have you been thinking about this? About the things I did to you last time?” My head nodded yes, my cheek sliding along the smooth surface of the fabric under my head. He groaned and whispered in my ear as he clutched my hair in a fist. “The things I could do to you… fuck. Too bad I need to bury my cock in that wet pussy right-fucking now.”

The tell-tale rustling of the condom wrapper told me he would be filling me soon, and my heart raced in anticipation. His fingers gripped my ass cheeks again, lifting and tipping my hips before I felt the nudge of his broad head against my opening. Ever so freaking slowly, he pushed farther in—inch by inch until he was buried deep within me. In a flash, he had scooped my ass up until I was on my knees, his palm splayed on my back, keeping my chest and head to the bed. Slowly, that hand feathered along my skin until he grasped my heated skin.

“Oh God. Yessss.” Was the only intelligible thing that left my mouth after he began to thrust in then push my hips away. The rest was gibberish brought on by the spectacular feeling of his thick member stretching me with each powerful plunge forward. With each drive into me, he pulled my ass toward him, causing his cock to slam so deep, his balls pressed against my clit. The movements combined, sent me into sensory overload.

The familiar tightening of every muscle in my body began to creep in and suddenly ecstasy in the form of the best orgasm of my life burst through my core, spreading to my fingertips and toes, and causing my sheath to pulse and clench tightly around his thickness.

“Jesus. Fuuuuuuuuck!” exploded from his mouth as he pulled me tight to his hips and pressed deep within me. Floating in the aftermath of my climax, which was prolonged by the steady throb of his cock, I was nothing but a pile of satiated, boneless blob. He made a few shallow pushes in and out and I whimpered in pleasure.

Rolling us to our sides, his sculpted arms drew me tight to his body which wrapped around mine like a glove. His warm length spooned behind me, and his arm cradling me against him must have lulled me into a brief snooze, because I reluctantly opened my eyes to him climbing back in bed after, I assumed, disposing of the condom.

Hot breath and the slide of his tongue along my shoulder, proceeded his teeth closing on the corded section of my shoulder. “Mmmmmm. Stop or you’re going to have to give me a repeat.”

His soft chuckle against my ear sent shivers down my spine and arms. “Insatiable wench. You staying with me tonight?”

“Mmmmm. Yeah, because I don’t think I’d be safe to drive. Can you be drunk on sex alone? ‘Cause I think I am.” Laughter along my spine and the tug of the covers from under my limp body were all my scrambled brain grasped, before the covers slid over the top of me and his warm skin pressed to mine, again.

His heartbeat aligned where his front snuggled against my back, and the two beating in unison were my lullaby and the last thing that I remembered before deep sleep dragged me under.

“The Drug In Me Is You”—Falling In Reverse

WE’D STARTED A BLAZING fire we couldn’t contain. Indubitably, she was my drug of choice, and my body craved her like no other. We were ridiculous. Sneaking off every chance we got, like hormone-crazed teenagers. Sex consumed us, and we were insatiable. At the club, in the staff bathroom. In the office. In her car—and let me tell you that took contortionist-like feats to fold my big ass in there and leave room for her to straddle my lap. In my car. On my bike in my garage—I’ll never look at my tank the same again. You name it, and we christened it.

Ask me if I cared. Because I can promise you, I didn’t give a flying fuck where we were, but she drew the line at anywhere too public. Because I didn’t want to risk her telling me no, I acquiesced.

There was a fine line I was walking with her. My heart was starting to defrost and I could feel my addiction reaching astronomic proportions. If I wasn’t at the club or working, I was trying to squeeze in time to bury myself in the paradise of her thighs. Between my shit, her school and her work, it was never enough.

I was fast on my way to being well and truly pussy-whipped. So when Joker and Hollywood confronted me, I knew I had to end whatever we were doing before I was in too deep I couldn’t pull back.

“What are you doing, bro?” Joker was talking to me but fucking with one of his e-cigarettes.

“Huh? I’m working on updating the club’s security system.” My words were spoken as if I was carefully talking to a child or someone on the verge of becoming unhinged. The question had caught me off-guard, and I didn’t know what he was asking.

“Kassi.” Just the sound of her name had my stomach in knots and my heart thudding. His light grey eyes lifted to bore into mine. He had a soft spot for her and I had to admit, sometimes it had me feeling a little jealous wondering if he wanted her for himself. Another clue I was in over my head with her.

“Man, what the fuck are you talking about?” Trying for ignorance in an attempt to stall, I returned my gaze to my computer screens. The familiar feel of the keys under my fingertips, calmed me immediately.

Hollywood stood up from the chair in my room and stepped toward me. Cocking his head to the side, he narrowed his eyes at me. “Don’t be stupid, everyone knows you’ve been banging like rabbits. What I don’t understand is why you’re keeping her at arm’s length. We know you, so don’t deny it.” My temper was beginning to flare because I knew he was right, and it pissed me off.

“So what if we’re two consenting adults who like having sex with each other? What’s the fucking problem with that?” My words and tone were harsh and I knew it, but I didn’t like being called out.

“Hey, amigo, easy. The fucking problem with that, is you bring her to your house. You spend the night with her. You never do that with any of the women I’ve ever known you to be with, and the number is low. Don’t understand that either, but to each his own. My question is more about if Kassi knows this will never be more than fucking. Or are you finally going to admit you want more?” Joker’s expression was a direct contrast to his road name as he stared me down.

“You know I don’t want more, and you know why. Yes, she’s okay with it—we agreed on no strings from the start. But I’m getting bored anyway, and I was actually planning to end this shit soon.” The lie churned and roiled in my guts, stirring nausea and anger within me. “Now if you’re through, I have shit to do.” Anger thrust me out of my chair and had me storming to my bike. With a growl of my pipes, I took off out of the parking lot on squealing tires and bone deep fury.

The thought of never touching her again, of her moving on to another man, was eating my insides like battery acid. My heart screamed she was mine, but my brain shut down that traitorous organ and closed the door on it. For once, the wind on my face and asphalt racing under my tires did nothing to alleviate my aggravation.

“All Downhill From Here”—New Found Glory

IT HAD BEEN A few weeks since the last time I had gone home with Hacker, and he had made no further attempts to contact me or talk to me, even though he was there for my every shift. A few times I had caught him watching my routine with a blatant hunger in his gaze, but usually, it seemed he was ignoring me. He didn’t read my text messages, as they all went unread, so I quit because I didn’t want to seem needy and weird. It was strange, though, because we had been fucking like rabbits every chance we had, then suddenly… nothing. No explanation, no fuck you… nothing. Just nothing.

Now, weeks later, he was still here and still hadn’t approached me or contacted me. I couldn’t lie and say it didn’t hurt. Wasn’t that what I wanted though? No strings. Innumerable nights of awesome, amazing sex without pressure or commitment? Even better than a one night stand. Right?

That was one of the reasons I gave myself for why I didn’t sleep with any of the customers or club members; I knew it wouldn’t mean anything to them but a quick and easy fuck because they classified all the strippers as whores. Even though that was exactly what I had told him I was willing to do—meaningless sex. The other was because I didn’t need the complication of a relationship thrown on top of all my life stress. So now, even though I knew a relationship was the last thing I needed, I was actually upset because I thought for a moment he was different and maybe I could make a commitment work for the right guy, but deep down I had known better. It made me feel used and dirty.

What pissed me off even more was, since that night, like a complete fool, I had danced every dance for him. My damn inner slut was correct on that matter. Every night I worked also left me feeling like I needed to scrub the filth and shame off my skin like it was a slimy coating. The leers and vulgar comments from the men who watched me repulsed me more now than ever. It was becoming harder and harder to separate myself and tolerate what I was doing.

But I was finally in my last semester of nursing school, and Matt’s senior year of high school was well underway. The light was starting to twinkle at the end of the tunnel, so I pushed on and kept moving.

It was just a job, I told myself each day I walked through the door to work. One I would only have to do for a few more weeks, God willing. Okay, it was technically a little over two months since this was the beginning of October, but I was trying to think positive. After I graduated, I was hoping to get a job as a graduate nurse at the hospital until I passed my boards, and then I wouldn’t have to be here. I just didn’t know how the finances would pan out. It was hard to top what I made at the Shamrock. Which sucked. If I had to, I would keep working there until I passed my boards, though that was the last thing I wanted to do.

As I took the stage and heard the beginning notes of “Boss’s Daughter” by Pop Evil fill the room, I couldn’t help but notice he was there in his regular spot, like every night. I almost hated him for being able to fuck me and forget me, because I sure hadn’t been able to move on as easily. Asshole.

Hell, I didn’t know why I was mad. Like I said, we both agreed we didn’t want anything further than that night. Too bad I couldn’t seem to stick to my convictions when he obviously could. Unfortunately, my heart had clung to the “next time” he let slip that night. He made me want more… with him. I cursed myself for being five types of fool.

Deep breath and concentrate…

When it was time for my final routine of the night, I couldn’t resist peeking out front. Of course, the asshole was still there. It was as if his sole purpose in life was to drive me crazy. He had me shaking I was so pissed at him. It was stupid, I knew, but it wasn’t fair.

Closing my eyes tight in an attempt to get my shit together, I clenched my teeth and continued to breath in and out as slow and deep as I could. By the time my eyes opened again and the first notes of Joi’s “Lick” started, I had Sparkle firmly in place. My routine went off without a hitch. If there was one thing I could say, I was good at what I did. Fortunately, for the money… unfortunately, for my pride.

Every fucking time my eyes met his, he looked away, but I knew he had been watching me. As I made to exit the stage, a good-looking guy in his late twenties/early thirties called my name and handed me a single red rose with a bill rolled up and stuck in the center. This was the third time he had done this, and I smiled as I thanked him, taking no lengthy notice of his interest. Never again. Nope. Should have stuck to my rules weeks ago, and I would be a lot better off.

When I slipped through the curtain to move back stage, I pulled the bill out and about shit myself. It was a hundred-dollar bill! Fuck me running! Wow. Usually it was only a ten. It almost made me feel guilty for being like that to the poor guy. Yeah, I said almost. This time, I was sticking to my guns. I grabbed a towel from the chair at my tiny station, untied the mask and patted the sweat from my face to salvage my makeup, and sat down to look in the mirror. Jesus, I looked tired. Late nights studying during the week, dancing nights on the weekend, and studying during the day was taking its toll on me.

I’m getting closer, I reiterated to myself and sighed.

Over the next several weeks, the same good-looking guy was there each weekend, and each time he had a rose for me with a hundred-dollar bill in it after my first performance. If the guy was loaded enough and crazy enough to tip me a hundred bucks a day, more power to him.

I still ignored him, except for thanking him. Hacker was still holding down the stool at the table in the corner. And I was still disgusted with myself.

The only thing different was… every time I looked at Hacker during my performances, he was openly staring at me with lust practically steaming from his pores. Of course, he never made so much as an attempt to do anything about it, and at that point, I would be more likely to knee him in the dick than do anything else with it.

I also knew he had to have noticed my admirer. Let’s face it, the guy saw everything that happened in the club, just as his brothers in the MC did. His clenched jaw and narrowed eyes gave him away when I turned to free the snagged curtain from my costume last week. Yeah, well screw you. You had your chance, I thought to myself.

When Spice, one of the new girls, came up to me after I exited the stage and told me I had someone, who said he was my boyfriend, waiting in the Blue Room for a dance, I was fuming. Are you fricking serious? He doesn’t talk to me for months—Damn. Months—and he thinks he can pull that shit again and call himself my boyfriend. And expect a private dance? Oh hell no. Enough was enough. Storming out of the backstage area, I was heading up there to give him a piece of my mind, and he was going to be sorry for being a presumptuous asshole.

Angrier by the second, I stomped to the Blue Room and flung the door open. There was no one in the room, but there was a red rose on the small couch in the corner where the customer would usually sit. Was this his way of apologizing or did my admirer leave it there for me? Looking closer, the hundred-dollar bill told me it was from my admirer. So preoccupied with my anger and picking up the rose, I didn’t notice the door closing until it clicked and locked. Spinning quickly around, I was shocked to see my admirer standing there with his hands in his pockets, smiling nervously at me. Well, I wasn’t expecting that.

“Umm, hey, I don’t do private dances. The bouncers should have told you that. I’m really sorry if there was a mix-up.” He stood staring at me for a minute before he spoke and walked closer to me. My gaze on him was wary as I wondered what he was doing, especially since I told him I didn’t do this.

“Sparkle, sweetheart, I know you don’t do dances for other guys. I’ve been watching you, and it pleases me that you have been saving yourself for me. But we’re different, you and I. We’re special. That’s why I’ve brought you a rose every night you’re here. I tip you generously. You never refuse my flowers or tips, so I know you feel our connection. You and I both know we have a special connection. Not like the rest of those heathens out there.” Holy shit. Was this guy for real? Who would’ve guessed a good-looking guy like him would be nuts and this desperate for a woman.

“Uh, yeah, about that, I dance here and people tip me. It’s what they do. It doesn’t mean anything. You realize that, right?” He was insane if he thought my accepting his tips or his flowers gave him special privileges or made us a couple. My heart raced nervously as he was seriously in my personal space by this time, and I placed a hand out in front of me to keep him from getting any closer, but he just walked into it and kept walking until I was cornered against the wall.

“I love you, and I know you love me. You don’t have to pretend like we’re strangers anymore. I know you were trying to keep everyone from knowing you are taken because you’re afraid of losing your allure as the untouchable Sparkle. But it’s okay. We’re alone here, so no one will see us.”

No shit. He was right, we were alone. The damn door was locked, the panic button was on the opposite side of the room by the music controls, and the rooms were nearly soundproof. I needed to get to the door and get it unlocked so I could get the hell out of there. Trying to make my escape, I started to move minuscule steps sideways to get around him and to the door. That’s when the pounding started on the door. The muffled voice on the outside of the door was enough to distract him momentarily, so I made a dash around him toward the door.

Damn if he wasn’t fast though. He grabbed my arm, spinning me around and pulling me against his body before I made it to the door. His breath was hot on my face, and I struggled to get loose, even though I knew it was pointless. He was too strong. The pounding continued on the door, and I tried to reason with him, but his hands were all over me. Touching, squeezing, groping. My struggling only seemed to turn him on as I felt the evidence of his arousal pressing into my hip.

He grabbed the flimsy gauze top I had tossed on before stomping over here, causing it to rip down the front. At first, he seemed surprised by what he had done, but quickly the lust in his face overtook the surprised expression. He grabbed my breast, cruelly twisting my nipple in his hand. In pain, I cried out and struggled franticly in his arms. Oh God, I prayed. Please don’t let him do this to me. No.

“Stop fighting me, Sparkle!” I tried to knee him in the balls, and he backhanded me, knocking me to the side. In desperation, my hands flailed to grab something, but I was too far off balance and I fell to the ground, landing hard on my side. By this time, I was sobbing and trying to crawl backward from him, but he was still faster. Never in my life had I thought I would be raped. Nothing prepares you for something like that. When he straddled my legs, holding them together with his and sitting on my knees, my hands took over, swatting and scratching wildly. It felt like a savage animal had taken over my body, and I was in a feral mode for survival. He was stronger than me, but I wasn’t giving up.

My sobs were violent and uncontrollable by this time, and I had begun to resign myself to what was going to happen. Despite the initial fierceness of my struggles, I was no match for him and he was overpowering every move I made. It made me feel more helpless and alone than I had ever felt in my life. He was pressing into the center of my legs, trying to get them apart as he laid fully on me, crushing the air from my body.

“Shhhhh, I didn’t want it to be like this the first time, Sparkle, sweetheart, but you didn’t give me a choice. I’m going to make love to you, and maybe then you will realize how much I love you and how good we are together.” His face was pressed tight to the side of my head, his lips next to my ear. My tears were running into my wig. In a detached manner, I thought how strange it was that my wig hadn’t come off in the struggle.

The next thing I knew, he was off me with a surprised shout and there was a loud thud and multiple grunts. My body reflexively curled into a ball on the floor, and I cried as I stared blankly at the texture of the wall. Tremors racked my body, and I curled tighter.

Gentle hands touched me, but I instinctively began screaming, kicking and fighting as if my life depended on it.

“Baby, it’s me! It’s Hacker! Kassi, stop! You’re going to hurt yourself!”

I don’t know if it was my name from his mouth, the actual sound of his voice, or maybe just his smell that registered with my brain, but my wild eyes focused and found his face. My hands clutched his leather vest, and I buried my face in his chest as my body shook and sobs inundated my body.

Through it all, his hands pulled the pins holding on my wig until it was off and his fingers combed through my hair in a soft, calming rhythm. His lips occasionally brushed my head, and he soothed me with soft words like one would a scared colt. My hands clung to him long after my sobs eased to sporadic hiccups.

“Coming Undone”—Korn

THE NEED TO KILL the asshole that had been assaulting Kassi was still heavy on my mind and body. I was afraid to ask her how far he went because she was just starting to calm down. His pants were undone and his dick was out, but I wasn’t sure, and I hated fucking thinking about it. For the millionth time that night, I cursed that I didn’t have keys to all the private rooms, and I had to wait for Bo to find the right one to open the door.

It was pure chance that I had even found out she was even in there with someone. I had gotten up to piss, and as I passed the hall to the private rooms I saw her go in, then seconds after, some guy followed her in and the door closed and locked.

At first, I was just pissed that she would willingly go into a room with someone after she told me she didn’t do that. So, I beat on the door without thinking. When I thought I heard a muffled scream through the door, I had pushed through the crowd to get to Bull where he stood by the bar, surveying the crowd. Then it took Bo what felt like forever to find the key ring to the private doors in the junk drawer. Why the fuck they weren’t kept with the bouncers, I didn’t know either, but that was going to change.

Joker arrived in no time, with Soap to take over for me. I had told Bull to call Snow and have him send someone to replace me, after I beat the dog snot out of that piece of shit that was on top of her. Thinking about it again made me see red, and I was fighting to keep myself calm.

“Hey, man, just get her home safe. We’ll take care of shit here.” Joker wasn’t living up to his name because he almost looked as pissed as I felt. Not that I was overly surprised because we tried our best to keep the girls safe and run a clean establishment. When one of them got hurt, we felt responsible.

“Thanks, bro. I appreciate it.” Tossing my keys to Soap, I told him to make sure my bike got taken back to the clubhouse, and I would get it tomorrow. Then I nodded to both of them and carried Kassi out of the room with her face hidden in my cut and behind the curtain of her long, tangled hair. At least no one would know who she was if they noticed us. Instructing Bull to quietly get her things, I cut down the hall to the door back by the backstage dressing area.

Kassi’s friend, Cinnamon, came running out with Bull, and I wrapped Kassi in a blanket that Cinnamon grabbed from the office. Fiercely, I told Cinnamon not to mention a word of this to the other dancers, and if anyone asked where she was, say she had gotten sick. Placing her gently in the passenger seat of her car, I literally had to peel her hands from my cut, her fingers were so tightly clenched in the leather. She whimpered, and I crouched down to hold her close until she was calm again.

“Baby, we need to take you to the hospital to make sure… uh… he didn’t hurt you or anything.”

“No! No hospital! I’m okay. He didn’t. He wasn’t able to actually… Oh God… Just get me out of here. Please!” Her sobs started again and nearly broke me. Dammit, I wanted to go back in and punch that fuckwad a few more times. The problem was, I was so angry that I didn’t trust myself not to kill him. That was the last thing the club needed coming down on them right now.

“I’m going to take you back to my place then, okay? I don’t want you to be alone right now. Or would you rather go home? I can take you to your place, if that’s what you want.” Her head shook back and forth rapidly, and she sniffed as she sat with her hands curled in her lap and her head bowed, her hair a dark curtain.

Jesus, I fucking hated seeing her that way. The Kassi I knew was strong and vibrant, not browbeaten and afraid. Placing a kiss on her head, I made sure she was buckled in and tucked out of the way of the door before I closed it. Then I rushed to the driver’s side and climbed in. Shit, I had to slide the seat all the way back and lay it back a little so I wasn’t hitting the roof with my head and the dash with my knees. Damn small fucking cars.

The drive was silent, with only the occasional sniffle from my passenger as she lay with her head resting against the window. After we pulled in my driveway, I got her in the house and settled in my guest bedroom with the covers pulled up against her ear as she lay on her side. Not sure what to do, I was sitting on the edge of the bed stroking her silky, dark-chocolate hair and alternately smoothing the blankets across the top of her arm and shoulder.

Never having dealt with anything like this, I wasn’t sure what the best course of action was for her mental well-being. Part of me felt like I should get up and leave her in peace, but the other part of me didn’t want to leave her alone. The problem was, I wasn’t sure which she wanted and what was best for her. I knew what I needed, but that didn’t play into this situation at all. What I wanted was to gather her up in my arms and never let her go, but I didn’t think that would be good for either of us really. Her sniffles had ceased, and her breathing was even once again, so I assumed she finally fell asleep.

With a sigh, I stood to leave the room, telling myself I would check on her throughout the night. Pulling out my phone, I called Snow to give him an update. After I hung up, I prepared myself for a long sleepless night. The first thing I needed was a shot. I had thought about giving her one to calm her nerves and help her sleep better, but first I didn’t want to leave her side, and then she was sleeping.

Fuck. This was not good.

What the fuck happened tonight? She never did private dances, and one of the bouncers was always supposed to be stationed outside the room in case a dancer hit the panic button. Of course, with the clusterfuck we experienced trying to get the door open, that wouldn’t have done much good anyway. Jesus, we needed to change things at the club. After all the trouble we’d been having there lately, we needed to be better prepared for whatever trouble may arise.

Quietly, I went upstairs to the kitchen to pull down a shot glass and my bottle of Crown from the cupboard. I set the glass on the granite with a clink, unscrewed the bottle cap, and poured a generous shot. Looking at the clock to make sure it wasn’t too late, I pulled up Hollywood’s number on my phone. As it rang, I downed my drink.

“Hey, bro, Snow just messaged everyone telling us what happened. You got Sparkle there with you?” His voice sounded shocked. But then again, no one knew she and I had some history. My life stayed pretty private from everyone.

“Yeah, man. She’s pretty shook up. I’m not sure what to do for her, but she didn’t want to go home.”

“She’s a good girl. I can’t believe that shit happened to her. What the fuck, bro? She never does private dances. She may keep to herself, but everyone knows that. I’m actually a little surprised you of all people stepped in to take care of her. Of course, we could all tell you had a fascination with her, but truthfully, what gives?” I could hear Becca in the background. “Bec wants to know if you need anything for her.”

“Nothing gives, I was the one on watch, and I just felt responsible for her. She wouldn’t let me take her to the hospital. She claims he didn’t….” The words stuck in my damn mouth. Clearing my throat, I continued, “He didn’t, um, you know… and nah, I’m good. She’s sleeping in my guest room right now. I’ll take her home in the morning.”

“Did you call her brother? He’ll be worried as shit if she doesn’t come home tonight.” Brother? Awww hell. The guy at her apartment. Fucking-A, I felt like a dumbass. Especially considering I never clarified it the whole time we were screwing each other’s brains out. Probably because I didn’t want to admit she might be capable of two-timing someone.

“Didn’t know she had a brother. How’d you know?” No way would I admit it grated on me that Mason knew something about her that I didn’t. Of course, I could have found out every detail of her life if I wanted, but I wasn’t going to invade her privacy like that. It was killing me not to know everything about her, but I still didn’t want to do that.

“Becca ran into her at Fareway, and she was with her brother. I guess Sparkle recognized her from when that shit went down at the club with her. Bec said she’s a sweetheart, nothing like some of those bitches from the Shamrock.” Becca murmured in the background again.

“Bec says just give her some time, and let her talk if she wants. She said she could give her the number for the lady she talks to about her shit. I’ll text it to you.” God, he hit gold with her. He better not fuck it up.

“Thanks, bro, and tell Becca I said thank you. I’ll pass it on to her tomorrow when she gets up. I’m gonna go check on her, then try to get some sleep. Later.” Setting the phone down on the counter, exhaustion was creeping in.

Pouring another shot, I took a deep breath and inhaled her scent clinging to me from carrying her close. Tipping it back, I enjoyed the sweet burn before setting the glass down and leaving everything sitting on the counter as I made my way back downstairs.

First, I rummaged in her bag to find her mobile. Hoping her brother had a photo attached to his contact info, I rifled through her recent calls until I saw a pic that looked like it could be him. Once again, I could easily go up to my computer and find every fucking thing about her brother, but honestly, I was tired as hell and didn’t really want to go back upstairs to my computer room.

Opening the text messages between them, I saw him refer to her as “sis” and knew I was good. I wasn’t sure what she would want him to know. So, I shot off a text telling him she had to close and was going to crash at one of the girl’s places close by because she was too tired to drive. Little sequential dots ran through the bubble showing he was typing.

Matt: K. U sure ur ok? Need me to get a ride there and drive u home?

Me: I’m good. See you in morning. Luv u!

Matt: K. Luv u 2!

Geez it felt weird to type as a chick. Shaking my head, worried I was messing up but too tired to care, I dropped into my recliner in the family room area. Needing something mindless, I turned on the TV, lowering the volume until it was barely audible. I didn’t want it to wake her. I flipped through the channels one after the other, but I wasn’t really paying attention to what was on, so I just left it on a random channel and stared blankly at the screen. My head dropped back to the chair, and I closed my eyes for a minute.

I must have dozed off because I startled awake by an almost inhuman scream. Jumping up, I rushed into the room to find her screaming and thrashing in the bed. Shit. Sitting on the edge of the bed, I gently shook her to wake her, speaking slow and calming words. She woke swinging, but thankfully I was pretty good at ducking punches. With the shit I had seen in the Marine Corps, nightmares were no novelty to me.

“Oh my God, Hacker, I’m so sorry!” She must have finally realized what she was doing, and she covered her face with her hands. She cried silently into her palms briefly before I sat on the bed and gathered her close. Not sure what to do, I did my best to soothe her with my hands on her back and soft-spoken words of comfort. It should have been awkward to me, but consoling her seemed to come naturally. When I tried to pry her hands from my shirt to get her to look at me, she slipped her arms around my torso and squeezed me in a death grip with her face buried in my shoulder.

“Easy now, I need to be able to breathe, you know.” She let loose a laugh, which ended in a soft, hiccupped cry. Her face was still pressed tightly to my shoulder, so I stroked the back of her head again. “You all right? It was just a bad dream. You’re safe here, baby. I promise.”

“Please stay here with me and hold me?” Oh fuck. No way could I do that. She was fragile right then and my body was already on high alert having her breasts pressed tightly to me and her scent weaving around me in every direction. For Christ’s sake, I was a twisted asshole to have urges like that toward her after what she had just been through.

Damn.

“Baby, I don’t think that’s a good idea. After what you just went through, I think it’s probably best that I just sit back out in the family room. I’m only a few steps away. Not far at all.” God knew, I needed some distance between us.

“No! Please. Hacker, I need you to hold me. I need to know I’m not alone. Even though he wasn’t able to actually… Well, you got there in time, I mean. I’m just shaken up, and I want you to hold me so I know I’m safe. Please?” Her hands had loosened from around my back, and she framed my face with them. She was shaking, and her hands were freezing despite the warmth in the house.

Those ice blue eyes of hers seemed to mesmerize me, and before I knew it, against my better judgement, I was climbing on the bed to pull her back to my front and wrapping my arm around her. She took my hand in hers and laced her fingers with mine as she tugged it tight around her body and up between her breasts.

Fucking Jesus. My eyes rolled in my head.

“Erik.”

“Huh?” she whispered as she lay clutching my hand.

“My name is Erik. I figured since I’m going to be laying here to protect you, you should at least call me by my real name. Right?” I chuckled softly in an attempt to lighten the mood.

“Erik.” She said it almost as a question. Like she was testing the feel of it on her tongue. When she snuggled her ass into my crotch, I felt myself harden. Proof positive that a cock had no emotions nor empathy. Shit. Not now. She didn’t pull away, and she seemed to relax. Thank God I had left my jeans on. The next thing I knew, she was letting out soft little snores. Who would have known that would be cute? On her it was fucking adorable.

Before I knew it, I was dozing too, and plagued by X-rated dreams of the beautiful brunette snuggled up close to me.

True fact: I was going to hell.

My dreams were so damn vivid, because not only could I taste her sweet kisses, but I could feel her hand running over my jeans along my cock. My mind was starting to go fuzzy in that half-dream state. Not wanting to wake and lose that fucking amazing feeling, I kept my eyes closed and forced myself to stay sleeping. When my hands filled with soft breasts, and I felt small teeth sink into my neck, I jolted awake only to find my hands exactly where I had dreamed they were, and Kassi was indeed stroking me and her leg was entangled with mine.

Trying to calm my raging hormones, I whispered her name, sure she was sleeping.

“Kassi, baby, wake up. You’re dreaming, and if you don’t stop, I’m going to make a complete and utter ass out of myself.” She didn’t stop, and her sleepy eyes looked deep into mine when she raised her head.

“Please, Erik. I need this. Please don’t leave me with the memories of his hands on me as my last memories of a man. I need you… just for now. I promise I won’t pressure you after this. Just please give this to me.” Her desperate, whispered plea left me so incredibly conflicted. On one hand, I wanted her worse than anything. On the other hand, I was barely awake and neither was she. We were in no condition to decide something like this.

My half-asleep brain is what I blame for what happened. Our clothes disappeared, and I was rolling on the condom I had snatched out of my pocket before my jeans went flying, then sliding in her before either of us could think. God, she was pure heaven on earth. Sex had never felt so damn good. My cock buried deep in her tight pussy was like falling into straight paradise. Her legs tightened around me as she pushed up and closer to me. I buried my face in her neck, inhaling her scent to burn it to memory. Her nails clawed at my back, but I welcomed the burning pain. Neither of us spoke, only slight moans and grunts were uttered as we lost ourselves in each other.

Her sharp little teeth marked my neck the same as mine did to her. I knew my beard was leaving redness in its wake as it rasped along her milky white skin.

When I felt the edge of ecstasy creeping up my spine, I began thrusting erratically harder, deeper. Her whispered “yes” was all the encouragement I needed, and I exploded as her walls clenched even tighter around me in her own release. As I rained kisses along her shoulder, we rolled together with me still nestled tight in her warmth, as satiated sleep drifted in around us.

My last conscious thought was that I wished things were different and I could keep her forever.

“Something Just Like This”—The Chainsmokers & Coldplay

BRIGHT LIGHT DISTURBED MY closed eyes, causing me to wake, and when I felt the heavy arm over my waist and the large leg thrown over mine, I suffered a momentary panic before I remembered where I was and realized it was Erik’s strong, inked arm holding me—exactly as I had asked him to.

Last night was a bit of a blur, but I remembered most of what happened. I also remembered waking here after an awful dream where the events of the evening had replayed in my head with dream-world distortion. And I remembered Erik being there to console me. Erik… I loved his name.

The man in question was wrapped around me, and I could feel steady puffs of warm air against the back of my neck as he continued to sleep. His warmth cocooning me, I was lulled into a feeling of pure contentment. My mine wandered, and I wondered what it would be like to wake up every morning like this.

It was right about then that it dawned on me we were naked. As jaybirds. Hazy memories of begging him to make me forget the events of the evening slipped in one after the other until I had replayed how he had soothed my fears in the dark of night. Every moment. Every panted breath. Every moan. Every sigh. They may have started out as fuzzy memories, but I remembered. Lord, did I remember.

Oh shit. Closing my eyes in disbelief, I couldn’t believe I had asked that of him. Not that I regretted it, but I knew it wasn’t what he had wanted. Deep down, I knew he only brought me here because he was doing his best to take care of me after I refused to go to the hospital. He would have done it for any of the dancers if that had happened to one of them instead, I told myself.

He also tried to refuse me. Oh God… My eyes clenched tight, nose scrunched, and I pulled my lips between my teeth to prevent myself from moaning aloud in mortification.

Inch by inch, I worked my way out from under his heavy body, thankful beyond belief when he still slept deeply after I sat up on the edge of the bed. Looking around, I found my clothing scattered in the sheets of the bed and on the floor. Embarrassment flooded me once again as I searched on my hands and knees for my bra and underwear. Finding the glittering facets of my bra sparkling from under the bed, I had to wonder how the hell it ended up so far under the damn thing. Chalking my thongs up to a lost cause when I couldn’t find it anywhere, I gathered everything else I could find.

Not wanting to go home in the skimpy-ass, ripped clothing I left the club in, I slipped his T-shirt on that I found at the foot of the bed. It still smelled like his cologne and the leather from his cut. Gathering it tight in my hands and pressing it to my face, I took a deep breath to savor it for just a moment before violating the sanctuary of his laundry room to rummage through his clothes in the dryer where I pulled out a pair of basketball shorts. They hung to my shins and I had to pull the string so tight I looked like I was wearing a full skirt. Damn, Hacker, big much?

Knowing I looked ridiculous, but not giving a single shit, I returned to the bedroom and rummaged through his jeans pocket to find my car keys. Glancing up to ensure he was still out like a light, I breathed a sigh of relief when his eyes were still closed and his breathing still even. Like a psycho stalker, I risked a moment to stare wordlessly at his masculine beauty. God, he made me wish my life was different. He made me wish he was mine—that he wanted to be mine.

Dark lashes fanned across the top of his cheeks, messy hair stuck up in short clumps in every direction, and his beard looked a little wild, as if it needed a trim. Like a god in repose, he was more breathtaking than he had a right to be. Wishing I could see the turquoise blue of his eyes one last time, but at the same time so glad he was sleeping soundly so this didn’t have to be awkward, I grabbed myself by the lady cojones and turned away from him.

Snagging my bag from by the doorway, I kept moving before I changed my mind. Silently, I tiptoed up the stairs and out the front door to make what, to any passerby, would look like the walk of shame to my car. Not that they would be far off from the truth. Thankfully, I didn’t encounter anyone, and I was able to make my escape unnoticed. Dang, the November air was cold on my bare legs, and I wished for a jacket something fierce.

My car started like the little dream she was—now that she had a new battery that is—and I backed slowly out of his driveway, glancing one last time at his house. Nothing stirred in any of the windows, and the rest of the street was like a ghost town. My heart gave a lurch and ached like someone was squeezing it tight in their fist. Blinking away the building moisture in my eyes, I pulled away from the man who had unknowingly become my anchor in the chaotic storm that was my life.

It was too early for anyone to be at the Shamrock, but I dug blindly for my phone in my purse and called to leave a message that I wouldn’t be in tonight or tomorrow. It would put a dent in my budget, but I knew they would understand since I never called in sick, and I’m sure everyone knew what had happened by now.

Shit, I didn’t know if I would ever be able to go back. The thought of never seeing him again released the dam of my tears.

“Gone Forever”—Three Days Grace

I WAS MAD AS a motherfucker when I woke up and she was gone. Knowing it was for the best didn’t help. Foolishly, I had let myself get too attached to her when I knew better. Call me crazy, idiotic… a fool.

Pain under my ass had me raising my hip and reaching under to pull out the offending item. An unbidden smile curled my lips at the tiny slip of satin covered in shimmering, sparkling rhinestones. From a distance, I heard my phone ringing. Rolling out of bed naked, I shamelessly took the stairs two at a time to get to the upper level where I had left it on the counter.

Glancing at the caller on the screen, I answered. “Yeah.”

“Hey, bro, just wanted to check on you and Sparkle. She okay this morning?” Reaper said in greeting. Hollywood must have told him she stayed here. Goddamn, those two gossiped worse than fucking women. They were lucky they were two of my best friends.

“Kassi,” I said absently, flipping a blind out of the way as I looked out the window to verify her car was indeed gone. Though I knew she must have been gone for ages, I still looked to both ends of the street for her. Taking in every detail of my neighborhood in that quick glance, I let the blind snap back into place.

“Huh? Whoa, wait. You’re on a real first-name basis with her? She never once gave any of us the time of day! Ouch, babe, be nice!”

Steph then yelled in the background, “Tell him to mind his own damn business!” before she laughed, and I heard little Wyatt cry. My heart gave a painful jerk at the sound.

“Yes. No. I mean, well, it’s complicated.” Huffing out a breath, I dropped my head.

“Well, I thought I’d let you know Joker and DJ took care of the asshole that fucked with her. He won’t be pressing charges against you, and he won’t be back in the club. We didn’t involve the fucking cops, but he knows better than to open his mouth or the video surveillance from the club will mysteriously turn up at the mayor’s office and at the news stations. Come to find out he’s on the fucking city council, so he for sure doesn’t want that shit getting out. Stupid little prick.” Rustling and cooing confirmed he was with his family. Fuck, I couldn’t take much more of that, so I had to let him go.

“Thanks, man. I’ll be in touch. I got some shit to take care of before I go in tonight. You need anything, let me know. Later.” I couldn’t get off the phone fast enough.

“You too, man. Later.” Ending the call, I headed to my room to shower and get my ass in gear. Her scent still lingered on my skin like ambrosia, and I knew I needed to scrub it away if I had any hopes of moving on and getting through my day.

Walking into the Shamrock, I found the early crowd was already in place around the stage. Fuckers had no life. Jesus.

Climbing onto the end barstool, I noticed Bo headed my way with the bottle of Crown Black and a short glass. By now, he knew me well.

“Hey man, Sparkle okay? When I got the message she called in, Arnie was pissed. God, he’s such an asshole. Shit, I run this place more than he does lately, but he wants to bitch me out because she’s the biggest draw and she won’t be here. For one, like I can help that, but more importantly, she was attacked last night, right fucking here.” He shook his head in disgust, and his sandy braid swung back and forth.

“She called in?” Knowing I wouldn’t be seeing her tonight made my chest tighten. Not that I was surprised, but I figured she would at least call or text me after last night. Guess that was my answer. She didn’t want dick shit to do with me. Not that she hadn’t warned me and not that I needed her kind of complication in my life. Regardless, I wanted to check on her, but I also didn’t want to push her or fuck with her since she made it clear where we stood when she left without a note or even a “fuck you” this morning.

He leaned onto the bar. “Yeah. Left a message calling off tonight and tomorrow. I called her back to tell her no worries, and that’s when Arnie heard. He came in to grace me with his fat-ass presence long enough to sign the paychecks then waddle out. Lazy fuck.” He snorted in derision. “He grabbed the phone and told her if she isn’t here Friday, she’s fired. I tried to call her back after he left to tell her to disregard, but just got her voice mail.”

“Fuck. We need to fire his ass. Next church I’ll bring up offering you the manager position. You’re doing it already. Not to mention, it would be a great pay raise for you.” I sipped my Crown. Worry for Kassi ran laps in my head. Just to make sure she made it home okay, I had driven past her apartment on the way. When I saw her car parked there, I just kept my ass moving. Now I half wished I had stopped.

Bo laughed. “Shit, you get that approved and, hell yeah, I’ll be your manager. In a heartbeat.” Nodding my chin to him, he pushed off from the bar and went to help the customer flagging him down. As I continued to nurse my Crown, I mentally listed all the reasons I needed to leave her the fuck alone. The number one reason being, the last thing I needed in my life was a woman.

That hadn’t ended so well for me last time.

“Whataya Want From Me”—Adam Lambert

AFTER ARNIE THREATENED TO fire me if I didn’t show up the next week, I forced myself to go back to work. Driving myself crazy, I went through our budget a million different ways trying to see if I could stretch my little bit of savings to cover us until I could get a job as a nurse. It would have been ridiculously tight, and there were just too many variables that could push us to the point of destitution. So, I continued to shake my fucking ass in front of the nasty scum that inhabited the Shamrock.

Yeah, I was fed up.

Honestly, it was the nicest strip club for miles with the best working conditions, but let’s face it, the regular clientele were still usually creeps. Getting close to graduation and the end of my tunnel was leaving me feeling frustrated and unable to separate myself and utilize Sparkle. I hated that Hacker was able to just write me off and wouldn’t even acknowledge me, despite still covering the MC’s Friday, Saturday, Sunday night shift like clockwork.

He looked like he had been losing sleep, but I told myself I didn’t care and it served him right.

Right there was another stressor on my plate. My stupid ass fell in love with someone who didn’t give a shit about me. Numerous times I had asked myself if that was possible. Could I truly love him after the short time we’d spent together? Despite telling myself he wasn’t worth it and I knew the lay of the land when we hooked up, I really thought he might actually be a little bit interested in me. Especially after the last time, when he was so caring and sweet to me after my attack. Over four weeks later and he hadn’t said one word to me. Not a single word. Asswipe.

Granted, I never saw him with another woman. Even when the waitresses and other dancers flirted with him, he treated them with what appeared to be total indifference. Sometimes he was there with the black-haired, drop-dead-gorgeous Joker, sometimes with DJ, the handsome young prospect, sometimes with Hollywood, Reaper, or Gunny. But never with a female. At least he hadn’t lied about not doing relationships. Well, unless he just didn’t ever bring her, which, duh, that would make sense. How many guys brought their old ladies to the strip club?

You know what? Fuck it. Maybe I wouldn’t wait for him to make the first move. Maybe he was waiting for me to make the first move, and there we both were sitting on our hands, wasting time. Chewing on my bottom lip nervously, I asked Bull to get him to come backstage and to tell him it was important.

“Sure thing, cookie. I’ll go grab him.” Watching Bull walk toward Hacker had my stomach churning. Damn, was I doing the right thing? Well, too late. I was going to get to the bottom of this so maybe we could leave the past behind us and work on a future. My body sensed his nearness before he even reached me. His broad shoulders shrugged through the backstage door, and his blue eyes met mine. My fingers ached to touch him. Feel the bristle of his short beard rasp across my chest. Oh God.

“Hey. Bull said you needed me for something important. Everything okay? Someone fucking with you?” There was a brief flash of anger before his cool mask of indifference slipped into place.

“No, it’s nothing like that.” My teeth were terrorizing my lip, and my hands were wringing so hard I was afraid I would break my own fingers. Shit. “Hacker, I can’t take this. What the hell? After the first time, you were so sweet and alluded to there possibly being a next time with us, so then we ended up fucking like sex was going out of style, and then nothing. Then you rescued me, and we… well, I started thinking maybe we had something, but then you ignore me for weeks. You’re tearing me to pieces. I….” God, this was harder than I thought. “Umm, look… I….” I blew out a frustrated breath. Spit it out for God’s sake, Kassi!

Stepping closer to him, I tentatively reached a hand out to his face. My fingers blazed with heat as soon as I touched him, sending licking flames of desire through every molecule of my being. My lips parted in surprise at the feeling, and he stepped closer, cupping my head in his strong hands before kissing me. The inferno within us exploded, and our bodies pressed tight together. My fingers clenched his shoulders before moving to grip his biceps. My tongue tangled and twisted with his, the passion building between us like a fury. He pulled loose and bit the tendon of my neck, marking me as he ravaged any part of me he could reach.

Our hands wandered and gripped. My nails scored his back as I held tight to his rippling muscles. I didn’t even remember moving them under his shirt and leather cut. He pressed his erection tight to my clit, and it only took us grinding like high school kids for me to reach a blinding climax. White flashes exploded in my vision as my empty pussy clenched over and over, wishing he was buried deep inside me.

My voice was breathless, my words broken as I tried to come back down from the clouds he had lifted me up to with his skilled body.

“Holy shit. That was… oh my God.” Words escaped me as I tried to gather my wits from where they’d scattered. “Hacker, I tried not to. Fuck, I tried. But, well… I care about you. Deeply. Like maybe to the point where I—” He didn’t let me finish before his face hardened and his hand slipped over my mouth, silencing my words.

He untangled my leg from his waist and stepped back, putting cold, unwanted space between us. His eyes closed tight, and his mouth pressed into a firm line before uttering the words that would cripple me.

“I didn’t contact you? Phones work both ways, you know.” The look on his face told me he realized his mistake because I had tried to contact him. “But it doesn’t really matter.” He shook his head and looked upward as if looking for divine intervention.

“Erik. I… I love you,” I whispered, desperate for him to not let us go.

“God, Kassi, don’t. Please don’t. I thought we were on the same page here. Never did I mislead you. In fact, I explicitly told you I didn’t do relationships, and you said you were good with that. You knew it would just be sex for us. You can’t go changing the rules after we agreed.” His voice had gotten louder with each word. Then he took a deep breath and continued in a softer tone, caressing my face with one large hand. “Kassi… you’re smart, beautiful, and fun to be around. But I told you, if you’re looking for wine, roses, and the white dress, baby, that’s not me. I’m not that man. And I never will be. You deserve someone to sweep you off your feet. Don’t settle for less.” His hand left my face, and just the loss of that brief, simple contact was like being swallowed by an arctic blast.

He stood there looking at me for a fleeting second before he shook his head, in disgust or frustration, and walked away.

He walked away.

Just like that.

With each step he took, my heart ground under his boot heel a little more. A single tear slid down my cheek, followed by a torrent of the stupid things.

Rushing to the makeup area, I jerked some tissues from the box and dabbed at my leaking tears before anyone could see them. Thank God no one had seen what had transpired back there between us. That would have been just another knife to my heart, having everyone laugh at me behind my back knowing I had been used in the back hall by one of the patches and tossed away. Jesus, I was such an idiot.

Fuck, unrequited love is a bitch. She gouged out your heart, piece by piece until you couldn’t even cry. Then she stole your soul, your very breath, and made you cry again. I cursed myself for being a fool, but it seemed we couldn’t choose who we loved and we couldn’t simply un-love them.

So, on top of studying for my finals that were next week, working a job I hated, and getting little to no sleep, I could add crying daily over a man who I now knew didn’t give two shits about me. In a nutshell, I was a fucking mess.

God… saying I was stressed was seriously an understatement.

Deep breaths. In. Out. Focus. You can do this.

Upside? That was my last night. My interaction with Hacker had decided it for me… I wasn’t going back there again. Fuck Hacker, fuck getting a reference, fuck all those sniffer’s row penis wrinkles. I didn’t need to add to the pain by seeing him each night I worked, knowing he felt absolutely nothing for me.

My grades were good enough that I should graduate with honors. Despite that, I was still studying my ass off. So, I wasn’t worried about not getting the approval to take my boards, and the plan was to take them the first date in January they were available, giving me enough time for me to take a prep course for the boards. Then if all went well, I would be able to get a job no later than February. That was doable, especially since I gave in and let Matt get a part-time job. He waited tables at a little, but very popular, Mexican restaurant on the lake. He only worked two nights a week while in school, but he wanted to work full time over Christmas break.

So, between my savings and him working, we had already decided I could quit anyway. Thank God. Because I swore, if I had to go in there and see Hacker one more time, I was going to break. He was killing me; each night he was there, a stab wound to my soul that wouldn’t heal.

Scratching out a quick note changing my next—and last—song, I ran up and handed it to Jack, our DJ. Technically, I should’ve had another routine after this one before Cherry did the final number of the night, but Cinnamon would cover for me. She needed the extra tips anyway, thanks to some shit she had going on with her brother. Not my circus, not my monkeys. I was having a hard enough time keeping my own monkeys from turning into flying monkeys.

With my final number coming up soon, I was starting to feel freedom beckoning. Jack nodded that I was good to go with the last-minute switch, telling me, “Don’t sweat it, I got you, girl.”

Closing my eyes and taking a deep cleansing breath behind the curtain, I knew this was it. I would be free. No more feeling the need to scrub my skin raw each night.

I got this.

My costume, wig, mask, and as much of my “Sparkle” attitude as I could muster, were ready. The saxophone started, indicating my routine was starting. The crowd knew then I was coming up next, as this was one of my signature songs. Yeah, I had intentionally chose this to be my last song, because I wanted to tell Hacker that I was worth it but he fucked up. So, I strutted, shook, and was grinding my little tush off, taking an occasional quick peek at him in his usual spot back against the wall, as Fifth Harmony’s “Worth It” blared from the sound system. Tonight, it was Joker with him. Hacker’s jaw was clenched, and his eyes narrowed as Joker was talking to him. From Joker’s expression, he looked exasperated. Not my problem what their issues were.

Bye, Hacker. Eat your fucking heart out.

After I finished, I exited the stage for the last time, and promptly puked in the first trash I passed.

Ugh.

“I Stand Alone”—Godsmack

COULD THERE BE ANY more ways she could rub salt in my wound? Fuck.

It wasn’t bad enough I had to sit there and look but not touch her each night she danced. It wasn’t bad enough the fuckers around the stage got to touch her and I didn’t. It wasn’t bad enough she called me back there to talk to her and I couldn’t keep my fucking hands off her. And it wasn’t bad enough she told me she cared about me—that she fucking loved me—tempting me to go against every single rule I lived by.

No. She had to dance to that fucking song as if I didn’t know with every fiber of my fucking being she was worth it? God-fucking-damn. The agony pouring from my chest was burying me. It was dragging me down and smothering me. Trying to crawl out of it was just making me sink deeper like quicksand. I could still smell her perfume, sweet and rich. I could still taste her lip gloss. When she exited the stage, I knew I should try to talk to her. Should being the operative word.

Saying those cutting words to her when she called me back and said she cared about me was one of the most devastating things I had done in a long time. Each word was like razor-sharp shards ricocheting around in my chest cavity, slicing my heart and soul to fucking ribbons. Those words had singularly done what none of the IEDs in Afghanistan had been able to accomplish… they completely eviscerated me, leaving me a mutilated mess inside.

“Goddamn, you fucking stubborn ass. You have been a miserable fuck since she got attacked and you took her home. The whole club knows something happened between the two of you, because you’ve been like a zombie since then. You’re fucking up shit that you normally could do with your eyes shut. You’ve rescheduled jobs over and over. If you’re not careful, the business you built from nothing is going to return to that—nothing. You sit here and stare at her like a lovesick puppy, or like you want to kill every poor bastard in here. Just go talk to her and work out whatever the fuck you have going on in that brain head of yours. ‘Cause bro, you’re gonna lose it, and you’re gonna jeopardize your place in the club if you don’t get your shit together.” He squeezed my shoulder in a show of support, but I shrugged him off and drank from my third Crown. What he was saying was not news to me. Snow had called me in his office twice in the last week to first chew my ass and then tell me to pull my fucking head out of it.

“Whatever, man. I gotta piss. I’ll be back.” My chin lifted to him as he shook his head, and I walked off. Truthfully, I felt bad for being a dick to Joker. Deep down, I knew he was trying to help. He was here and in the club because of me. He and I had been brothers before the club, in the Marine Recon team. Much like Hollywood and Reaper, he and I had been through a lot of shit while we served. During long nights of recon and watching monitors for the fucking bad guys, when not a damn thing was happening or moving, we had talked. He was the only living soul who knew why I joined the Marine Corps, leaving behind my family and a promising future.

Everything he said? It was all truth. The problem was, even if I wanted to take her somewhere to talk, I couldn’t leave him here alone. And that fucker, he was my friend and my brother… while everything he said was true, he should know. He should know why I couldn’t have her. I didn’t deserve her. Never would. He evidently didn’t understand like I thought he did.

I gave up my chance at happiness eight years ago.

However, I did feel like I owed her something to soothe the desolation I saw in her eyes after the cold words I used to slay her. Steeling my resolve, I decided I’d talk to her and tell her I wouldn’t come back after tonight. It was just too hard—no, that part I wouldn’t tell her.

Aw, fuck it. It would be better for me to just leave her alone. After all, I had done what I needed to do—let her see who I really was. Right? A class-A prick. I hurt her bad enough she would hate me for a while and then get past this, past us.

When I returned to the table, Joker was on his phone over near the front door where it wasn’t so loud. Sitting down with resignation, I absently drummed my fingers on the table.

Joker came back to sit, silently, at the table, and a couple more of the girls finished up. It was just shy of midnight when Reaper came walking up to the table and leaned over to talk in my ear over the noise.

“Look you sad-sack fucker, go talk to Kassi. You’re falling apart. We see it, you know it, but you’re too damn stubborn to fix whatever the issue is. I’m gonna be blunt. Do you love her?” Did I love her? Did I even know what that felt like anymore? I did once, but it was so fucking long ago. And it was the reason I vowed to never love again, because it had gotten me nothing but anguish.

“I can’t.” My answer to both loving her and talking to her.

“You can, and I’m pretty sure you do. I’m here to relieve you. Besides, Wyatt is teething, and I was glad for the break just to get away from the poor guy for a little while. His tears were gutting me, and Stephanie told me to go to give me a break. She sends her love, by the way. Look, come outside so I don’t have to yell.” He started to walk to the front door, leaving me no choice but to get up and follow him.

“Shit. Be right back, Joker.” He tipped his chin at me and waved like the smug little motherfucker he was, as he sipped his beer. Narrowing my eyes at him, I knew then that the fucker had called Reaper.

With a sigh of resignation, I headed to the door where Reaper was waiting for me. When we got outside, he turned to me with evident frustration.

“Look, Hacker, trust me when I tell you life is short. Do you understand how damn lucky I was that I found Stephanie and Remi again? Because the night we met, my stubborn ass thought it was a ‘dumb idea’ to leave my contact information. I thought I wasn’t good enough, I didn’t need the complications, she didn’t need the possible heartache if I didn’t come back in one piece, blah, blah, blah. All the shit I thought I knew, just because we had known each other less than twenty-four hours. Little did I know, she was it for me. She had my beautiful little girl all on her own, and by the grace of God we found each other again. But not before things got so bad with me that… fuck… I… well, you know Hollywood and Gunny saved me. And I know you’re aware of some of this story, but, man, I’m telling you, you will never know if you don’t try. I get that you have some shit you’re carrying with you and you keep it locked up so tight no one knows what it is, but you gotta live, man. What if she’s it for you? You gonna just let that go without a fight?” His eyes pled with me to understand. I thought maybe I did, but what if, in this case, he was wrong?

“You know what, I’ll go try to talk to her. Okay?” I still wasn’t a 100 percent convinced he was right, but I was willing to try if nothing more than to get everyone off my back.

We headed back inside, and he split off to go sit with Joker while I wound my way through the tables to the back hall leading to the backstage dressing area for the second time that night. Knocking on the door, I felt like my stomach was doing hula-hoops around my asshole.

Candy answered the door, and her eyes lit up before they blatantly slid over me from head to toe. “Hey, sugar. What can I do for you? You want a private dance? Cuz if you do, I’m your girl.” She smirked, and I couldn’t help but chuckle a little. She was saucy, and I appreciated that, even if it did nothing for me.

“Sweetheart, I appreciate the offer but I’m looking for Sparkle.” The disappointment was evident in her expression, but she covered it well and bounced back with a smile.

“Nah, baby, she ain’t here. She left after her last dance. Said she was headed home, at least I think I heard her saying that to Cinnamon. Sure you don’t want that dance?” With a wink, she waved and closed the door after I politely declined.

Heading to the back door, I entered the code and stepped out into the cold December air. Scanning the parking lot for her vehicle, I noted she was already gone. Nothing but an empty parking space surrounded by cars covered in winter road grime. Christmas was just around the corner, and all we had was sloppy, dirty snow left. Absently, I wondered if it would snow before Christmas to cover everything with bright, pure white. A fresh start.

After the last snow storm two weeks ago, I broke down and bought my new Ford truck. After my baby, my rebuilt Challenger, was almost a goner when I lost control on the ice after a little old lady slid through a stop sign. Hello, big hint, nice to meet you. I had gotten lucky that time, and I wasn’t pushing it. So, the black 4x4 still smelled like “new” and leather as I started it up and waited a minute for it to warm up before taking off.

The streets were pretty deserted tonight, and for that I was glad, because I made better time.

Disappointment flooded me when I got to her place and her car wasn’t there. Maybe her brother had it. So I put my cut back on for a little extra windbreak and tromped up the stairs two at a time before rapping loudly on her door since the doorbell was dangling by a thin cord. What a fucking shithole. Surely, she made enough to stay in a better place than this…

No answer.

I pounded again.

Nothing.

Shit. Where was she?

On my last round of rapping hard on the flimsy door with the side of my fist, her neighbor’s door flew open. A scowling, scrawny dude jumped out, and I damn near pulled my gun on the fucker. God, I hated it when people popped up out of nowhere. My heart was ricocheting off my rib cage.

When he took me in, his eyes stopped on my hand where it remained hidden in my cut, gripping my pistol, and his expression changed from pissed off, “I’m a bad ass,” to “oh shit” in 2.2 seconds. I almost fucking laughed. Almost. Okay, maybe I did just a little.

“They aren’t here.” Okay. No shit, Sherlock.

“Do you know where they might have gone?” It was late for fuck’s sake. Where would they have gone at this time of night?

“I didn’t ask. Sorry.” He looked over my shoulder, then down at the parking lot. Probably trying to see if there was a big bad “biker gang” with me coming to kill him. Dumbass. He abruptly closed his door, and I heard the chain slide.

You know I had to laugh at that.

Well, hell. I guess maybe this was a sign. Leave her the fuck alone. Tucking my hands into my cut, my trip down the stairs was a lot slower than the one on the way up.

My talk with Reaper and Joker had me thinking. I hadn’t been myself lately, that was true. So that night, I made a promise to myself to pull my head out of my ass and move on. With time, she would get over me. A tiny little voice at the back of my head whispered, but will you get over her?

“Drive”—Incubus

SOMETIMES WHEN I COULDN’T sleep, I drove around looking at better places to live. My dream destinations, you could call it. When I got home after my last night, Matt was still awake, and I was too wound up after my last dance, so I knew I wouldn’t sleep anytime soon. Which is why, at a little after midnight, Matt and I were driving around looking at houses and nice apartments like neighborhood stalkers.

“Man, look, Kassi, that one would be nice. All the houses are really nice looking around it. It even has a two-car garage. Maybe I could get an old car and work on it.” Matt was looking out with his nose against the glass, steaming up the window as he spoke. Sometimes he reminded me so much of when he was a little boy.

It was a cute house. Older and kind of small, but obviously well taken care of. It even had a fenced-in backyard. I sighed, as much in love with it as Matt seemed. Maybe I should check into it. It wouldn’t hurt to talk to them. Maybe we would get lucky and it wasn’t ready to rent yet and would be available by the time we could move in. I jotted down the number on the “for rent” sign and tucked it in my purse without Matt seeing. No need to get his hopes up.

“If I am able to get a nursing position right away, I’m thinking of getting me a small car and giving you this one. I want you to have a reliable car to take to college, not an old beater you have to work on every day just to keep it running.” Making a mental note to call the landlord tomorrow, I slowly pulled away from the curb. It had been warmer today and the dirty snow started to melt, leaving some spots on the road a sheet of ice after it froze with the dropping temps. I didn’t need to wreck the car before I could give it to him.

“Kass, don’t stretch yourself to make sure I can take this car. We have a little time. We’ll worry about it later.” He smiled at me, and I had to smile at his endless optimism and maturity. While I still felt like he had to grow up too fast, I was so damn proud of him. “Think the Mickey Dee’s drive-thru is open still? We should get an ice cream,” he mused. Only a teenager would want ice cream in the middle of winter. Aw, who was I kidding? I wanted it too.

“Let’s go see!” We laughed like two little kids and drove toward the golden arches.

After a brief discussion with the woman who owned the little house, I was pulling up and parking in the driveway. My hands were shaking, and I was nervous going to look at this house when I knew it wasn’t in the budget yet. But I had dreamt of it all night, so after I dropped Matt off at school, I called the number I had scratched on the napkin in my purse. Now here I was meeting with Nancy, the owner.

She stood at the door by the driveway and smiled at me as I parked and shut off my car. I waved at her before grabbing my purse and climbing out into the biting cold air.

“Whoa! That wind is a killer!” I blurted out when the wind gusted and almost stole my breath.

“Come on in. I keep the electric and heat on, so the pipes don’t freeze. It’ll be warmer inside.” She opened the door, and I followed her in, closing the door behind me.

The house smelled of fresh paint, and there were plain-Jane, but new, white appliances in the kitchen we stepped into. The tags were still on them. Taking a glance around, she told me to walk around and check it out. So, I slipped off my boots and beanie by the door and stepped into the cute living room with a big picture window that looked out over the front yard. There was a small eating area with an opening that looked into the kitchen. The hardwood floors had been either well taken care of or recently redone as they gleamed in the sunlight streaming in through the open blinds.

“So, what did you say you do for a living, Ms. Donahue?” Ugh. I hadn’t. Clearing my throat, I thought about my answer, sure she was going to tell me to get lost.

“Ummm, well, I was working as a waitress”—my official job title had been waitress—“but I’m graduating from nursing school in a few days.” I had taken one of my finals this morning after speaking with Nancy. “I’m hoping to get a job at Lakes Regional after I pass my boards. So, I have to be honest, Miss Nancy, I don’t know if I can afford this house right now.” My heart broke a little as I turned to look at her.

“It’s just Nancy. Goodness, don’t make me feel older than I am! And what a small world, I just retired as a nurse! When this house came up for sale next door to me, I decided it was a good retirement investment since I could keep an eye on it myself rather than messing with a rental company. My sons helped me remodel it. So tell me a little about what you want to do as a nurse. How have your grades been?” She looked calculating, and I had to admit, this slightly Amazonian-looking woman made me a little nervous despite her steel-grey hair and kind eyes.

Well, here goes nothing. “If my grades on my exams are good, I should graduate with honors. I know they say we should all work Med/Surg for a while after we graduate, but I have been hoping I could get one of the internships to work in the Emergency Department. I’ve already talked a little with Tom, the head nurse of the ED, and he said he couldn’t guarantee anything as far as my acceptance would go, but that they would have two openings for the internships starting the first of February. Of course, I would have to apply once I take and pass my boards, but I’m optimistic.” My heart was heavy, but I tried to smile.

“Hmmm… well, would you be the only one on the lease?” That calculating gleam never left her face.

“No, well, yes, ma’am. What I mean is, I would be the only one on the lease, but my younger brother will be living here as well. He’s a senior this year, and he turns eighteen in May. Ummm, our parents… passed away….” It was still so hard to say even years later. “I was able to get custody of him. It’s kind of a long story, but anyway, he would live with me until he left for college.” Just talking about my parents brought that oh-so-familiar pang to my heart.

“No boyfriend, fiancé, or husband?” Uh, no.

“No, ma’am. Just me and Matt.” She tapped her pointer finger to her lip.

“Well, why don’t you look around a little. There are two bedrooms and a bathroom on this floor, then a storage room and the laundry downstairs. The owners had wanted to finish the basement but never did before they sold it to me and moved to Florida. My sons were going to finish it, but they are so busy with their own lives, I didn’t want to ask too much of them, so I told them it would wait. Anyway, I digress. Do you think that would be enough room for you two?” Did I? Our entire apartment probably would fit in the living room and kitchen alone.

“Oh, heavens yes! I’ll look around. Maybe it will still be available after I get my license.” Smiling, I walked down the hall, peeking in the bathroom and into the bedrooms. It was all very neutral, but so clean and so much nicer than what we had now. We would each both have our own rooms! My hands on my cheeks, I looked in the small walk-in closets each room had. We would have our own closets! I couldn’t help but jumping a little in place.

Calm down! It will probably be unavailable by the time you’re in a position to rent it. Why did my inner self have to be so negative? She was all for bad decisions with Hacker. No! I was not thinking about him!

I smiled at Nancy as I passed her to go down the basement stairs located straight in from the door we entered. The basement was nothing fancy, but there was no sign of water seepage or major cracks in the cinderblock walls. The washer and dryer were mismatched, but if they worked, it would mean no more trips to the laundromat at ten o’clock on my Wednesday nights.

Nancy was talking upstairs, and I could hear her muffled voice ending what sounded like a phone call, so I figured it was time to head up to tell her I wasted her time.

Shuffling in my socks, full of resignation, I walked back into the kitchen from the stairwell to find Nancy waiting for me in the kitchen, leaning against the counter with her phone in hand. She looked up from the screen as I walked fully into the small but beautiful kitchen.

“Well? What did you think?” she asked.

“Well, I love it, Nancy. But I’m afraid I may have gotten ahead of myself. I’m so sorry to have wasted your time, but I was so excited when I drove by and saw it last night. If only I had already gotten the job at the hospital.” My disappointment heavy in my chest, I looked down at my twisting hands.

“Yes, about that. You said you graduate soon, right?”

“Yes, but I won’t be able to take my boards until the first week of January. Which means a month and a half before I would possibly have a job as a nurse.” My lip between my teeth, I prepared to tug my boots on.

“Wait. Look, I hope I’m not wrong, but I consider myself an excellent judge of character. What if I have a proposition for you? You see, I retired out of the ED, and Tom and I know each other very well… after all, he took my position when I retired. So, let’s just say, I spoke with him and he has the authority to hire you as a graduate nurse until you pass your boards, annnnnd let’s just say he would then transfer you over to a registered nurse and enter the internship program, providing you pass your boards? Of course, you would need to bring him proof of your present student status and pending graduation. Your Nursing Department Head should be able to provide that information with a letter of pending graduation providing you pass all of your final exams, if your grades are what you say they are.” My heart was racing, and I had to shake my head because I had to have dozed off and was surely dreaming.

Stuff like this did not happen to me.

“Excuse me?” Somehow, I knew I had to have heard her wrong. “Did I really just hear you correctly? I’m really concerned there is something wrong with my hearing.” My eyes blinking rapidly and mouth hanging open, I was sure I looked like a dipshit, not an honors nursing student.

“Well, I haven’t had great prospective renters coming through in the two months since I put up that sign and posted the ad. You seem like an honest, stand-up young lady, and I’m excited you are becoming a nurse and you’re interested in my field of choice. In my old hospital, no less. So my thought was… if I can call your current landlord for a reference, you and your brother were willing to help me get the garage cleaned out here and at my house, your brother was willing to shovel my snow this winter, and you would agree to have coffee with me once a week to keep me in the loop about the goings-on at the ED—sans patient info and all—I would allow you to break up the deposit into three months, and you could move in as soon as you could. I’m sure you have to give notice wherever you are, but I’m flexible. So, what do you think?” She looked at me expectantly. My mouth wouldn’t make words. She had completely blindsided me.

“Cat got your tongue?” She chuckled.

“Yes! I mean, no. I mean, yes, that sound amazing! This just seems too good to be true, ma’am,” I stammered. My stomach was littered with butterflies conducting a mosh pit.

“Great! And it’s Nancy. Not Miss Nancy, not ma’am. Just Nancy. I can see us being excellent neighbors, Kassi. May I call you Kassi?” I mutely shook my head yes. “So, when do you think you could move in? Or if you need to think about it and call me back, that’s fine too.”

She made a move to the door, and I blurted out, “Wait!”

She turned back to me with a patient smile.

“No! That sounds amazing! I’m actually on a month to month on our apartment. I’ll talk to my landlord today and give notice. We could probably start moving in right away, if that’s okay. We don’t exactly live in the crème de le crème of apartments, so they only require a two-week notice once your lease is fulfilled, which happened several months ago because I didn’t want to sign another lease with hopes of moving after getting a nursing job.” My smile was about to crack my face, it was so big. Tears were filling my eyes because I couldn’t fathom the good fortune I had just been bestowed.

“Of course! I’ll contact my lawyer and have him draw up the lease agreement with the terms we discussed, and you can swing by anytime Wednesday to sign them and get the keys. I won’t be going anywhere until the evening.” My newfound friend, and soon-to-be landlord, reached out a hand to shake mine.

Her hand was cool but work-worn as only years of being a nurse with frequent hand washings could be. But her handshake was firm, and her other hand curled over the top of ours.

“Thank you so much, Nancy. I don’t know what else I can say that would express my level of gratitude I feel right now!” I exclaimed, and she scoffed.

“It’s okay, Kassi. We nurses need to take care of each other.” With a wink, she led me out of the house, locking the door behind us and heading to her house. She tossed a “see you Wednesday” over her shoulder before bustling into her home, and I pulled my beanie down over my ears.

Jumping up and down, clapping my hands like a child, I whisper-screamed a “yessssss!” before climbing into my car and hurrying to get the poor beast started and warming up. It hurt that the first person I wanted to call was still my parents and the next was Hacker. Shaking him and my sadness from my mind, I backed out of the driveway to head back to the apartment. I had a lot to take care of this afternoon before Matt got home from school, and I had to study tonight for my exam tomorrow. Not even that could put a damper on my mood.

Matt and I would be able to celebrate Christmas in our new home!

“Emotionless”—Red Sun Rising

IT WAS CHRISTMAS EVE. I was supposed to be at my parents’ preparing for the morning. My oldest brother, Jon, was home from Ankeny with his two kiddos. It’d been too long since I’d seen them, and I told him I would help get their presents put under the tree from Santa. But I called and told him I’d be running late. Why? Because I was sitting outside the address I hacked from the DMV to find her.

Through the sheer curtains in the large picture window, I could see a tree lit up with twinkling Christmas lights. This was the fourth night I’d sat out there staring at the house, wishing I had the nuts to knock on her door. No matter what I did, I couldn’t get her out of my head. She was there when I went to sleep; she was there when I woke.

My gaze slid over to my passenger seat where a small, flat, pink package with a large, glittery, dark pink bow rested. It seemed so small and insignificant against the large leather seat it sat in. The truth of the matter was, its significance was monumental. It was the first gift I’d bought a woman, other than my mom or sister, in over eight years.

The week before, my sister, Bexley, and I were at the jewelry store picking out the gift from us kids to our mom. Every year for Christmas, we got her a charm for a silver bracelet my dad helped us buy her when us kids were just little things. It was heavy as hell with all the little silver charms on it, but she wore it religiously. We were going to have to get her another one soon if we kept this up because it was nearly full. None of us kids want to break the tradition though.

As we looked at the charms the saleslady had set out on the glass cabinet, I glanced down and saw a silver stethoscope charm with a diamond at the diaphragm and bell end. When I pointed it out as something I wanted to see, my sister looked at me like I was crazy. Looking at the shining charm held in the palm of my hand, I knew I needed to get it. Asking the lady to put it on a silver chain, I told her I would be buying it.

See, in my search for Kassi, I found out she had just graduated from nursing school. I knew she was in school, but I didn’t know it was to be a nurse. She had been simultaneously holding down her job at the Shamrock, raising her brother, and going to nursing school. She didn’t know it, but I was so damn proud of her. With Christmas just around the corner, I wanted to get something for her. At the time, I hadn’t thought about how I would give it to her; I just got it.

My sister had put her hands on her hips and demanded, “Okay, Erikson, why haven’t you told me you have a girlfriend?” Fuck, I hated it when she called me my full name, and she knew it, but saying anything just had her doing it more.

“I don’t.”

No matter how much she begged or cajoled, I remained tight-lipped.

“I’ll find out one way or another, you jerk.” Her shrewd expression made me smile and shake my head at her.

She had been bugging me every day since, trying to get me to slip up, but I still hadn’t said a peep. Wouldn’t, either.

So, there I sat outside her house, wondering what to do. The package still in the seat, I sat on my ass, not moving.

Figuratively grabbing myself by the balls, I scooped up the package and quickly climbed out of my truck before I could change my mind. My feet carried me, crunching across the snow-packed road until I stood on the sidewalk looking straight at her front door. It was hard to breathe because of both the cold and the cold feet that were trying to latch onto me. Shifting my weight from foot to foot, I had to fight the urge to turn around and head right back to the warmth of my truck cab.

“Shit, I’m a Marine. I’ve done crazy shit and lived. I can do this.” Encouraging myself, I took the first step and then the second until I was at the foot of her small front porch, looking up at the door. My breath came out in puffs of white in the cold. Inhaling the frigid air, I stepped up onto the porch and reached for the doorbell. Pressing it once, my resolve diminished, and I gazed at the package before setting it in the center of the porch and jogging quickly back to my truck.

Like a fucking criminal, I leaned my seat back until I could barely see over the door and out my window. At first, I didn’t think anyone was home, but then a shadow passed in front of the window. The door opened a crack before she leaned out and looked up and down the street. In my head, I told her to look down.

The glittering of the package when she flipped on the porch light must have caught her attention because I saw her finally look down at it. When she knelt to grasp it in her hand, her dark hair cascaded over her face, obscuring it from my view. She crouched there for a moment as she turned it over in her hands. Her brother appeared behind her, and I could barely hear the murmur of their voices as I sat silently in my, now cold, truck. Her brother took the small present from her, and I watched as he gently shook it next to his ear before pulling it back down, shrugging and handing it back to her.

Wishing I could watch her open it, I was disappointed when she took the package inside and closed the door. If I would have stayed there and actually handed it to her, I could have watched her. But afraid she might throw it back in my face or worse, I just couldn’t do it. She may have gotten the wrong idea too. What was the right idea though? To be honest, I didn’t know why I bought it. Other than it was Christmas, and I knew she had very little family. I just wanted her to have a nice gift to open.

I just wanted her.

No. No, no, no, no, no—it just wasn’t a good idea. It hurt too much to think about letting someone in and giving them the power to demolish my heart again. Despite how hardened I felt I had become over the years, the damage had been so deep, the cracks so plentiful in my chest, it may not take much to utterly destroy me. So instead, I decided to just torture myself with her from afar. God help me if she finally started seeing someone, because it would really shake the foundations of my resolve to stay away. That or it would be the end of life as I knew it.

My heart shoved back in the cage I kept it locked in, I drove off toward my family.

“Breath”—Breaking Benjamin

Late January

SITTING IN MY CAR with my head on the steering wheel, I ran my fingers back and forth over the mystery silver stethoscope necklace no one ever claimed they got me, and willed myself not to cry. This should be a happy time for me. My boards were over, and I had just found out I had passed. I was officially a registered nurse. My internship would be starting at the hospital soon.

Even working as a GN, I loved working in the ED—Emergency Department. It was exciting. My day was different each and every time I went in. Granted, yeah, there were a lot of little-Johnny-has-the-sniffles patients, but I didn’t even care. The nurses I worked with, with the exception of one, were all great. They were helpful, mentored me, and encouraged me.

There’s a saying in the nursing world—that there are two types of nurses: the ones who teach and mentor new nurses and those who eat their young.

That one nurse? I was convinced she was one of the ones who eat her young. She was an evil witch, and I couldn’t even believe she was a nurse. I tried my best not to let her ruin my shift on the days I was unfortunate enough to be on the same schedule she was. I figured there was one in every bunch so I deal. Then there was Marcus. He was a great nurse, but a conceited ass. Thank God for Hunter being my preceptor—the person who trained me—and not Marcus. Ugh.

Anyway, enough dawdling.

Shit. What was I going to tell him? I hadn’t thought this out very well, even though I had run a million scenarios through my head since I found out two days ago. God, how did people do this? Was there an instruction booklet on how to tell a guy this? Maybe it would have been different if we were a couple. The fact that he didn’t want anything to do with me changed this whole situation exponentially.

At first, I had been glad he didn’t want a relationship because I wasn’t in a position to be in one either, but when thoughts of him continued to bombard my mind, I had to wonder if maybe he was “the one.” After he saved me and was so loving and tender, I really thought things were changing. Instead, he ditched me again.

There was the problem… you can’t have the one if the one doesn’t want you.

Now, regrettably, I had a sticky situation… my dilemma had me sitting in my cold car trying to decide the best way to approach him with this so he didn’t get the wrong idea and completely and totally hate me, rather than just hold absolute indifference toward me like he did now. Tears burned behind my eyelids as I fought to keep them at bay.

Times like this, I missed my mom so much. She should’ve been here for me to talk to. To hold me. To tell me I was strong and I could weather any storm. To tell me she was there for me. Instead, I had no one. My mom wasn’t here, and thanks to the wicked fates, I lost my dad in the same day, leaving me utterly alone in the newest fiasco of my life. Matt didn’t even know, because he didn’t need any more crap on his young plate, and I knew he would want to hunt Erik down. He was my fierce little-big warrior, even though he was only seventeen. But no matter his fierceness or size, he was no match for Erik in a fight, and I wasn’t about to let that happen.

Inhaling deeply, I prepared to get out of my car and enter his clubhouse. “Here goes nothing… everything,” I muttered to myself. Of course, a tear chose that moment to escape, just as I approached a man I recognized from the Shamrock, when he and Hacker would pull security. Quickly brushing it away, I pasted a smile on my face and stopped close to him.

“Umm, hey, is Erik, umm, I mean Hacker, here?” The man narrowed his eyes and tipped his head at me slightly, like a puppy would as he was trying to figure out something he hadn’t seen or heard before. God, please don’t let him recognize me.

“Maybe. Who’s asking?”

“Could you tell him Kassi is here? It’s kind of important. I’m sorry, I hate to come here and bother him, but the guy at the gate said he thought it would be okay.” When he smiled, it transformed his dark features into something beautiful. Jesus, this place was crawling with gorgeous men.

“No! It’s no problem at all.” His hand waved toward the door as he cupped the end of his cigarette to light it with his Zippo. “He was in sitting at the bar just a minute ago.” He snapped the lighter closed, drew in on his cigarette as he motioned toward the door, then walked around to the side of the building out of the wind. Something in the sudden change in his attitude made me leery and cautious, but I steeled myself and opened the door, snow sweeping in with me and swirling through the air like glitter before landing on the warm floor and melting.

Oh God.

Hacker was at the bar all right. With a half-naked blonde cooing and rubbing all up on him. His hand reached around her and grabbed her ass that was hanging out of some really short cut-off sweats, and he buried his face along her neck. It was like being in a nightmare where the floor dropped out from under you and you just kept falling and falling. My stomach flipped, and my hands tried to keep my sob from escaping as tears poured down my cheeks. God, I was so stupid. He was groping that slutty-looking woman right in front of me. I was sure he saw me, because his eyes caught mine for a millisecond before he grabbed her ass, but it was enough time for him to show me exactly what he thought of me being there, which was not a damn thing.

My plan, initially, was to send a message to him to see if we could meet somewhere and talk alone. After his history of ignoring all my text messages, I quickly shot that plan down. To have to see with my own eyes what he was really like and why he didn’t ever answer was tortuous. Even though he told me he didn’t do relationships and I had ignorantly accepted his terms, to see him with someone else hurt.

In shame, and with my heart shattered, I spun to push out the door but ran flat into the wall of muscle that was Joker, coming back in the building.

“Whoa! Hey, Kassi, what happened?” His large hands grasped my upper arms as he tried to get me to talk to him.

“Nu-nu-nothing. I gotta go,” I stammered as I broke loose and ran out the door.

I didn’t make it to my car before I heard a husky, female voice holler out to me.

“Hey you! Wait!” Turning, I saw it was the blonde, and her crazy ass was outside in that ridiculously-not-there outfit. She had on less clothes than I used to strip in, for fuck’s sake. She must be drunk or crazy. It was cold as a witch’s tit in Idaho! And call me a bitch, but I didn’t really have anything to say to his latest bed warmer.

“Look, I gotta get going….” I tried to keep walking, but she grabbed my arm, turning me toward her.

“Honey, he sent me out here to see if you needed something. Joker told us you were here to see Hacker, so he said to see what you needed. You look really upset. Are you okay?” Was I okay? Something between a laugh and a sob escaped me.

“No. Not really. But don’t worry about me. Tell him I’m good.” Raising my arm to pull it out of her grip, I started to walk backward. “I’ll talk to him another time.”

“He’s kind of a jerk, but he has a sweet spot for me. If you tell me what you need, I can go talk to him for you, and maybe I can get him to come out here to talk to you in private.” I think I’m going to throw up. He has a sweet spot for her? Oh God.

You know what? Maybe this was someone’s way of telling me to just let her tell him instead. Maybe that would save me the heartache of having to be near him but not be able to touch him. Use her as a go-between. Squeezing the bridge of my nose in an attempt to quell the headache building, I figured “what the hell.”

“Can you… can you just tell him I’m pregnant? I don’t want anything from him. I just wanted him to know. He knows how to get in touch with me.” Jesus, I wanted to die. The situation was so frigging humiliating.

“Oh! Whoa. And it’s his? You’re sure?” She really seemed sweet, despite her looks.

“Yeah. I’m sure.” My shoulders slumped. The whole situation sucked, and resignation slid over me.

“Okay, honey, let me go talk to him for you. I’ll be right back.” She trotted off to the door and slipped inside.

What the hell was I doing? Why had I told her that? Shit. I should have just sent a letter or something equally as cowardly. Now some stranger, who was in his bed mind you, knew my business. Great. Just frigging great.

In the cold swirling snow, I stood looking at the door she had entered, wondering if I should just go back in, but I didn’t. I waited.

And waited.

My stomach churned. Nausea roiled in me.

Finally, she came back out. Her expression told me it wasn’t good. What had I really expected?

“Oh, sweetheart, I’m so sorry. He said he didn’t want to talk to you. I tried my best, and I told him it was important. Told him your situation, but…”—she looked so sorry for me—“he said he didn’t even know if it was his, and even if it was, he didn’t care because he didn’t want anything to do with it or you. You must not know him well, because everyone knows he doesn’t do relationships. God, honey, I hate to be the one to tell you this. The guys, though… they aren’t really family guys, and Hacker more so than the rest. I wish there was something I could do.” She had big tears gathering in her eyes.

He had called our baby an “it.” No matter how much I tried to explain to her that I knew it was his, she shook her head at me and told me I might want to look at other avenues because he wasn’t going to budge on this. She looked at me with such pity it drove stakes of pain into my body. Other avenues? What exactly did that even mean? Choking on a sob, tears streaking down my face in the cold wind, I turned and rushed to my car, slamming the door.

What the fuck was I going to do now? For the millionth time, I asked myself how this happened. Look, I wasn’t stupid, I knew how babies were made, but I had a fucking IUD. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Thankfully, the worthless thing hadn’t caused any damage to the growing baby and my doctor was able to take it out. Of course, it would mean frequent checkups to ensure all was progressing well and the little peanut was snug where it was supposed to be. I didn’t care. I would go in every day to make sure he or she was okay if I had to.

Obviously, it was meant to be, if through all those odds, there the peanut was.

So I sat there crying, knowing I needed to get the hell out of there, but unable to concentrate enough to drive.

A sharp knocking on my window had me jumping. Looking out of the window in fear it would be him telling me to get the hell off their property, I was surprised when I saw a big grouchy-looking guy with a full beard and a few silver hairs at his temples. His leather vest had a patch that said Snow and President. So, I rolled down my window and he spoke, though it sounded more like a deep growl.

“You okay?” Sniffling and wiping my eyes with the back of my hand, I tried to hold it together.

“Umm, yeah. I’m sorry, I was just leaving.” He didn’t look convinced, but he let me back out, and as I pulled out of the gate and the prospect waved, I glanced in the rearview mirror to see him watching my car pull away with his thick arms crossed over his barrel chest. I drove down the road until I was sure I was out of sight from their club and pulled over to the edge.

Between my tears and the pain in my chest, I could barely drive.

God, despite my life being great on outward appearances, it had just crashed down around me, and no one was the wiser. Unless you counted the one who shattered my heart and life with his careless words… ones that he couldn’t even tell me himself.

Hacker. I told myself I hated him. But regrettably, my true feelings were far from that. Those feelings were the reason I wished I could fall in a hole.

Even though he had ignored me after that last night, I thought this would… shit, I didn’t think it would make him want me, or love me, but I thought he would at least want to be a part of his baby’s life. Instead, I sat trying to figure out how I was going to raise a baby as a single mother whose “baby daddy” wanted nothing to do with me or his own child.

At least I had my job in the bag before I started to show.

Fuck my life.

“Lost In You”—Three Days Grace

THINGS HAD BEEN REALLY quiet with the Demon Assholes. We were hopeful that they tucked tail and ran, but my gut told me they were just chilling somewhere, regrouping and waiting. Time would tell, but until then we were still on high alert for any shit.

Taking a sip of my Crown as I sat at the bar in the clubhouse, I thought of the night so long ago when I sat drinking a Crown with a beautiful brunette. Fuck. I couldn’t keep her out of my head for a day. Joker and I had been shooting the shit, and out of the blue, there she popped in my head. I was getting better at keeping her from taking over my every emotion, but fuck if my chest still didn’t ache at the thought of her.

Once again, I told myself I did the right thing. For both her and for me.

“This snow has been the shit, bro. My bike fucking thinks I forgot about her. Sometimes I think we should move the club somewhere warmer… like Florida or Texas.” Joker looked so damn miserable talking about his inability to ride his bike, I had to laugh. He and I had gotten pretty close over the last several months. Between him, Reaper, and Hollywood, they were probably my best friends, but since Reaper and Hollywood went and got families, it’s like I was always the third wheel, even if it was all of us together. Not to mention, it tore me apart being around their kids. It made my skin so tight I felt like I’d crack and bleed out.

Reaper’s wife, Steph, was the little sister of one of my best friends from high school, Sam, but he and I lost touch when I joined the Marines. Now, other than the occasional times we were all out at the same place, we didn’t really hang out. Of course, I was glad everything had worked out between them, and I loved that she was married to one of my brothers.

“Shit, man, you act like you haven’t ridden in a year.” Laughing, I couldn’t help but tease him for being a whiny little bitch. He glared at me as I continued to chuckle.

“Feels like it. ¡Chingado!”

“Pussy.”

“Dick.”

“What are you two bickering about?” I looked up from my drink to see Gretchen sidling up to me. As soon as she leaned against me, Joker hauled ass. Like I said, little bitch, leaving me alone with her. He knew I rarely messed with the club bitches, especially her. I let out a sigh when I heard him calling the next game with the winner between Gunny and Soap. Shit, I was on my own.

“What’s up, Gretchen? You need something?” Trying not to look her in the eye, I hoped she would get the hint I wasn’t interested in talking to her. Of course, that didn’t seem to give her the hint at all. Fuck.

The door to the clubhouse opened and closed, letting in a gust of cold, snowy air for a brief moment as Joker headed out to have a smoke before his game of pool. She leaned closer to me and ran her fingers through my hair before running her tongue along my neck. The door opened and slammed shut again. Goddamn, people. It was getting fucking cold in here. Jerking away from her and grabbing her hand, I glared at her.

“Fuck! What the hell, Gretchen? Don’t ever fucking touch me without me asking. Which, by the way, I never will.” At that moment, I saw over her shoulder, and the sight made my heart stop.

Fuck me. Why God? Are you trying to kill me? She shouldn’t be here. Inwardly, I groaned. She assaulted my senses even from across the room. The swirling bursts of snow that chased her in through the door carried her scent to me, leaving me feeling as if someone took me out at the knees. How did just her scent do that to me?

Knowing what I had to do to get her out of here, and hating myself for being such a piece of shit dick, I hauled Gretchen close to me with a hand on her ass and buried my nose in her neck as I continued to watch Kassi through Gretchen’s hair.

Just go. Please, go now. Don’t enter my space where I may not be able to fend off your assault on my soul….

My chest imploded when her hands covered her mouth. Blindly she turned and fought with the door to get out. Joker was just coming in, and she slammed into him. When his hands wrapped around her upper arms to steady her, jealousy and anger boiled up in me. He was my brother and friend, but if he didn’t get his hands off her soon, I was going to punch him in the throat.

See? That’s what I’m talking about! This single girl was fucking with my head, running my brain and feelings through an emotional blender. And making me jealous of my own brothers? Fucking hell.

She pushed away from him, darted around him, and lurched through the door. He looked at me in surprise, confusion, and then disgust. That’s when I realized I still held Gretchen by the ass and she was looking over her shoulder at the sight of the recent commotion. Shoving her away in revulsion, I felt vile. “Get the fuck away from me.” The calculating gleam in her eye and the twist of her red lips made me nervous without knowing why. Growling at her in loathing seemed to do the trick because she sneered at me and stomped off. Uncaring, I turned my back to her. The door opened and closed again. Good riddance.

Fucking-A! We needed to shitcan that nasty bitch. She did nothing but try to stir up trouble, but still I had blatantly used her to chase Kassi away, which had been a fucking douche move. The only people who messed with her anymore were the dumbass prospects who hadn’t figured shit out yet. Well, except for Reload, only because he still had a girlfriend. That is, until she got sick of him running for the club all the time, I figured.

Most women who weren’t familiar with club life had a hard time dealing with some of the shit. They had issues with things being club business and automatically assumed it meant we were fucking around on them. Like Becca had once thought. Regretfully, that thought process was what got her spunky little ass inadvertently kidnapped. She hadn’t trusted Hollywood, so she followed him where she shouldn’t have, ending up in the wrong place at the seriously wrong time.

Just another reason I didn’t think women needed to be around full time. They became a liability and a weakness to the brothers. Not that I didn’t love Cammie, Steph, Becca, Louise, and Mama, because I did. But they distracted the men who loved them. At least they weren’t my problem or concern 24/7.

That fucking door opened again, and I turned around to bitch at who was opening and shutting it when I saw it was Gretchen coming back in. No matter how much of a bitch she was, I knew she hadn’t been responsible for the door each time, so I bit my tongue.

“What the fuck was that?” Joker said from behind me.

“No clue what you’re talking about,” was my monotone answer.

“Seriously? Kassi came to see you, and instead of talking to her, you chase her away. What the fuck, man?” My eyes flicked momentarily to his incredulous expression.

“I didn’t chase her away. I didn’t even talk to her.”

“No, you, who may I note never has a damn thing to do with any of the fucking skanks around here, just so happened to grab Gretchen’s ass as Kassi was coming in to talk to you. Total coincidence, right? I’m not buying it. You’ve become a real dumb fuck for someone who’s supposed to be so fucking smart.” His arm rested on the edge of the bar as he stood sideways trying to get me to pay attention to the conversation. Thing was, I wasn’t interested in conversation. Especially one that was about Kassi.

“If that’s what you think.” Chugging the last of my Crown without a glance in his direction, I jumped up from the stool, shoulder checked him, and walked to my room, slamming my door. I wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone.

Throwing myself back on my bed, I opened my phone and went to my pictures. Scrolling through, I pulled up a picture of Kassi while she was hanging upside down from the pole, her blonde wig swept the ground and her hands trailing her body. God, I was a sick fuck.

There were probably hundreds of pics of her dancing, walking from her house to her car, working at the hospital. The dancing pics were from times when I acted absorbed in my phone, but I was actually zooming in to steal snapshots of her to have when her magnetic pull and my cravings for her got too bad. After the last time she stayed at my place, I slept in my guest bed for a week, because the sheets smelled like her. If anyone knew that, I’d never hear the end of it.

Daily, I made myself not go to her. It was for the best that I left her alone. Yeah, I was a twisted fuck and I had tracked down her new residence, which I would still randomly drive by like a creeper. Since the night I left her an anonymous Christmas gift on her front step, I drove by at least once a week. No matter how many times I thought about her, dreamt of her, needed her, I knew she didn’t need me and my shit, and I tried to convince myself I didn’t need her.

Trusting in women, a woman, had been my downfall once, and I wasn’t going to let it happen again. No matter how much I wanted to with her. Besides, I obviously wasn’t that great of a boyfriend if someone would rather…. My heart constricted, and I couldn’t even finish the thought.

Pain shot through my body like a lightning bolt through my chest to the bed below. Clenching my phone in my hand, for the hundredth time I wondered if maybe things could be different with her.

No.

I couldn’t let myself contemplate those thoughts. Things were better this way. Me, my brothers, my bike, and my computers. Loyalty from my brothers, predictability and control over my bike, and everything electronic… that worked for me. Fuck women, fuck trust, fuck it all.

Besides, we barely knew each other. Like a lovesick, twisted, lost soul, I had watched her dance for months. We had fucked twice. She had texted me several times, and I forced myself to ignore them. Then she up and quit without saying a damn word, went radio silent, and the one time I caved and stopped by her apartment after she quit, someone else answered the door and had no idea who she and her brother were. She obviously didn’t want anything to do with me, and it hurt even though it shouldn’t. Still, I tried to respect her wishes, and my conscience, and leave her alone.

Never had a girl had me this twisted up inside. Not even Layla… and I had thought our love was the end all, be all.

But she was here today. Looking so beautiful and pure in her short wool jacket and cute beanie pulled low to her eyebrows, over that long, dark hair, and her cheeks flushed bright pink from the cold, but even devoid of makeup she was gorgeous. Don’t you want to know why? Maybe she was in trouble and needed your help. Maybe she came to tell you she loves you and can’t live without you, and you just broke her heart because you’re trying so hard to guard you own? Maybe she’s the one you need to take a chance on?

Fuck! Where the hell do these thoughts even come from?

My mind was a clusterfuck of thoughts, with my conscience battling with my inner demons every damn day.

Despite my words to myself, my mind went where it hadn’t gone in so very long. A place I desperately tried not to think about. My fucking chest hurt even more at the agonizing thoughts that crept into my head. But it wouldn’t leave my brain once it settled and began to fester.

Reaching into my nightstand drawer, I pulled out a tattered and faded piece of paper and a half empty bottle of Crown and twisted off the lid. Tracing the blurry shape with my finger, I lifted the bottle to my lips with my free hand, and wondered, as I always did.

The screen on my phone lit up next to me. Glancing at it, I saw it was a text from my mom. She had been calling and texting me nonstop for the last two weeks. Rarely, did I go this long without seeing my family. Telling myself I would call her later, I made the decision to go see my parents tomorrow. Maybe it was time I came clean with them about why I left years ago and joined the Marines.

Until then, I drank to quiet the thoughts that were swimming in my head, consuming everything happy and good in their pathway. I didn’t deserve happy and good.

The worn and ragged paper slipped from my fingers to the bed as I finished the bottle and closed my eyes.

“Drowning (Face Down)—Saving Abel

TRUDGING INTO WORK THE next night, I pasted a smile on my face and walked up to the nurses’ station. Report was about to start, and I was almost late for the first time ever. Hunter looked at me with a raised brow, and I held a hand up. “I don’t want to hear it. I’m here… two minutes to spare, but I’m here.”

“Yeah, I see that, but are you okay? You’re looking a little… uhhh, rough.” Rolling my eyes, because that’s just what a girl wanted to hear from the hottest male nurse in the ED, I gave him a droll look. Thankfully, he wasn’t a jerk, he really was concerned, but it still did nothing for my ego. We walked together to the conference room for report.

“Shut it. It was a crappy couple days off. You have no idea.” Blowing the hair that escaped my braid out of my face, I plopped my tired ass in a chair right as the dayshift charge nurse came in to give report.

“If you need to talk, we could stop at the Coffee Bean in the morning after shift change. I’m told I have a good listening ear,” he whispered as Betty started report. Not wanting to get chewed out for talking during report, I nodded my head. Hunter was not only hot, he was a real sweetheart. We had become good friends since I had started, and he had been my preceptor. Nothing past that had happened, and I appreciated him not hitting on me like Marcus did every time I worked with him.

It was crazy busy as usual, and we were nonstop all night. By the time 7:00 a.m. rolled around, my feet were killing me. If I looked rough at the start of the shift, I knew I looked like complete shit at the end. But that didn’t mean I didn’t enjoy my work. I still freaking loved working in the ED, and my internship started in five days.

My hope was to get my Trauma Nurse Certification as soon as I could complete the Trauma Nurse Core Course. We were only a Level IV Trauma Center, which meant we were at the Community Level; we provide advanced trauma life support but transfer for higher levels of care. In simple speak, we assess them, provide necessary diagnostic needs, stabilize them, then shipped them out via life flights or ambulances, depending on their acuity. Someday, I would love to work in a Level I Trauma Center, but for now, I was perfectly happy where I was.

“You still on for coffee, Kass?” Hunter paired up with me as he came out of a patient’s room after handing them off to the oncoming nurse.

“You know what? Yeah. I’m not in the mood to go home yet. I can’t stay too long, since I have buttloads of laundry waiting for me, and I have to drink cocoa or I won’t sleep.” He laughed as he bumped his shoulder to mine.

“Sounds good. I just need to grab my bag from my locker. Meet you there?” I nodded as he veered off toward the break room where our locker rooms were. Pulling on my gloves and my beanie, I dreaded stepping out the ED doors to get to my car. Damn, I needed to move somewhere warmer. It was times like this I wish I had opted for the remote start on my car so it would be warm quicker.

Diving through the door of my freezing-cold car, I tossed my bag to the passenger seat and started her up, cranking the heat up to high. It took a few minutes, but soon I saw Hunter walk over to his truck and do the same, except his truck was running and probably all nice and toasty warm as he dove in. Damn, I was a grumpy Gus.

We pulled out at the same time, and I followed him over a few blocks to the coffee shop. We parked next to each other and walked up to the door. Before I could reach it, he pulled it open and ushered me through. When his hand rested on my lower back briefly as I passed in front of him, it didn’t give me chills like when Erik had done it, but it was comforting and felt nice to have a man perform such a cursory, but chivalrous action. He didn’t leave his hand there long, and I found myself missing the light pressure almost immediately.

The smell of coffee was rich and divine as I approached the counter. If I wasn’t working again tonight, I totally would have gotten a caramel mocha latte. Unfortunately, duty called, so hot chocolate it was. Placing my order, I caved and ordered a chocolate scone to go with it. When I pulled my wallet out of my jacket pocket to pay, he held his hand gently over mine and told the barista he was paying.

“What? No! You don’t have to pay for my stuff.” I was huffing at him, but he just laughed.

“Kass, I know I don’t have to, but I want to, and I invited you. It’s my treat.” Why that embarrassed me, I wasn’t sure, but my face felt like it was flaming. Partly because I hadn’t been on a real date in a long time, but partly because he was so dang sweet and cute, and he was buying me stuff. It made me feel like I was in middle school again.

Not that I assumed this was a date!

“Well, it just doesn’t seem right.” My face burned hotter. Ugh!

He smiled as he shook his head. After he paid for our items, we grabbed a corner table and waited for the barista to call our names. It was plenty warm in there, so I shrugged my coat off, hanging it over the back of my chair.

“So… what’s going on with you that has you so wound up?” He pushed his Henley sleeves up and rested his chin on his knuckles as he waited for me to answer with his cute raised eyebrows. Hmm, in all the weeks I had worked with him, I never noticed he had tattoos on his arms. Hot. Not as hot as Erik, but… oh my God! Why did he have to invade every thought I had?

“Hunter, I don’t really want to talk about it. It’s embarrassing, and it sucks. I’m such a freaking idiot.” My head fell to my hands, and I heard the barista called our names.

“Hold that thought, I’ll get our drinks.” He stood up, and I looked up at the ceiling, willing myself not to start crying. Shit, I was so damn emotional lately. My eyes were blinking rapidly to hold back the tears that threatened, and of course he caught me as he sat down.

“Hey… it can’t be that bad. Maybe I can help.” His large hand rested on my forearm on top of the table. When he didn’t remove it right away, I fought my tears again and bit my lip.

“No, trust me, there isn’t anything you can do to help. This is all on me.” Picking at my scone and avoiding eye contact, I debated what I should tell him.

“Well, a lot of times we feel alone when we don’t need to. Kassi, you know I’m here for you. I really care about you, and I want to help, but I can’t if you won’t let me in.” This guy. Damn, why couldn’t I have fallen for him? How long did it take to get over someone who was no good for you and who totally shit on you?

Steeling myself for his censure, I debated how to word it and what all I should tell him. Just biting the bullet and telling him the truth seemed the best option, but do you have any idea how hard that is?

“I’m afraid I’m going to lose my job.” His brows rose in surprise and my head dropped in shame. “I’m pregnant,” I whispered. Here’s where he tells me that wasn’t what he was expecting and he wishes me the best of luck and hightails it for the door. Aaaaand cue uncomfortable response…

“Wow. Okay, that ummm… well… wasn’t even close to what I was thinking.” Am I good or what? Now cue placating B.S.…

“Kass, I don’t know the whole story, but I’m sorry because you don’t seem overly thrilled. And I guess, I don’t know what to say, but I’m here for you.” Ding, ding, ding! We have a winner. “What can I do to help? Shit, I didn’t know you were seeing anyone. Whoa. So, what does the baby’s father have to say about it? I’m guessing that must be part of the problem. Isn’t he being supportive? What can I do to help?” Wait. What? My face sat frozen while my mouth hung open.

“Can I get you an award for being, like, the most unexpected guy in the world? Dang. Okay, hang on… you just really shocked me.” Fidgeting with the wrap around my cup, I absently lifted the cup to my lips and promptly burnt the shit out of my tongue. Seriously?

“Oh my dawd, that wath hot!” I wanted to go stick my tongue in a snow bank. Maybe my whole head. His laughter as he went to the counter didn’t help much. He came back with a cup of ice, which I stuck my tongue in without thinking. When I realized he was still laughing, I looked up at him. As I did, the cup lowered and there I sat with two ice cubes momentarily stuck to my tongue until they dropped back in the cup with a plunk.

“Well, that was attractive. Wow. Do it again?” He laughed and brushed a loose strand of hair from my face. When his fingertips grazed my cheek, we both went silent. Palm against my jaw and fingertips curled around my neck, he stared into my eyes.

“Kassi…”

Oh boy.

“What about the baby’s father?” His words were uttered softly as he continued to look at me in expectation. He really was an especially good-looking guy. And he had been such a good friend. It was okay to appreciate that, right?

“He’s not in the picture. By his choice.” My sneer slipped out as I shook my head in self-disgust for thinking Erik would change his feelings about relationships or at least have a heart where his own baby was concerned. No matter how much sarcasm, anger, and hate I tried to drum up and hold onto, my heart still stuttered at the thought of him. He had hurt me so badly, though, leaving me bitter and scarred. My chest literally ached thinking about how he had so heartlessly dismissed us.

“Let me be here for you. In any way you need me.” Ummm, was he saying what I thought he was saying? Oh hell.

“Hunter, it’s not your responsibility. You’ve only known me a for a month. Trust me, you don’t want to burden yourself with me and my problems. No matter how good a friend you are, I can’t do that to you.” Placing my hand over his and curling my fingers over his to pull his hand free, I held his hand between mine on the table. It was difficult to meet his eyes. What he said next got my attention with a quickness.

“What if I want you regardless? What if I want to be more than friends with you?” His soft-spoken words were full of intense emotion.

“Oh! I… I don’t know if that’s a good idea. We work together, Hunter. Don’t they frown on that? The last thing I want is for you to get in trouble at work because of me. If I’m honest with myself, I also have to think of myself and the baby. I can’t jeopardize my internship. Well, that is if they don’t fire me for being pregnant when they hired me, even though I didn’t know it at the time. God, this is such a mess!” My head dropped in defeat.

“There aren’t any fraternization policies between nurses at the hospital. There have been several relationships that have started there. Come on, Kass, just give us a chance. That’s all I’m asking.” It was so tempting. He was so tempting. Raising Matt, school, and work had taken up all of my time and emotions, but now that I had graduated and Matt was doing really well in school, things had calmed down. Well, that was to say, they had until I found out I was pregnant. It was emotionally draining, being alone. Doing everything on my own.

Just try it. Shit, it’s not like he asked you to marry him. My inner self chastised me and rolled her eyes at my hesitancy.

“Umm okay, so what? You want to go out?” A small smile crept on my face.

“Yeah.” He grinned. “That’s exactly what I want. How about we get out of here so you can get some sleep before we work tonight. You’re off tomorrow night, right?” Hmmm, he was paying attention to my schedule. Maybe he really did like me. “Like me” as if we were in 5th grade. Lordy, was I getting too old for this shit….

“Yes, I am.”

“Good, let me pick you up at about six, and I’ll take you to dinner. Nothing fancy, just there’s this little bar and grill by the lake I’ve been wanting to try out. I think your company would make it better. What do you say?” His smiling expression couldn’t disguise the eagerness in his green eyes.

“Okay. But I don’t want this to make things weird for us if it doesn’t work out.” Losing his friendship would devastate me. He’d really become a rock for me, and I appreciated the gift he had been in my life lately.

“Never, Kass.”

Hunter had told me to dress casual, so I squeezed my ass into a pair of my older “heavier” skinny jeans. You know the ones you keep for those times your weight fluctuates. Since I had quit dancing, and with the baby, I had definitely gained weight and was having a hard time fitting in a lot of my “skinny” clothes, which was a real blow to my self-esteem and the catalyst for starting a gym membership. Pregnant women could stay fit too.

Shuffling through my clothes was depressing. It mostly consisted of scrubs, jeans, T-shirts, and hoodies. Oh! There at the back of the closet I saw a pink Henley that had crystal buttons at the vee of the neck and a pretty swirling design printed down both sleeves. Casual yet kind of nice, and I hadn’t worn it in forever.

After I slipped on a pair of black riding boots, I looked in the mirror on the back of my door. My hands smoothed the shirt down over my thicker, but still essentially flat, stomach. Images of my belly growing with Erik’s child assailed me. Visions of him talking to our child through my belly as his calloused hands framing the bulge of our baby nestled within slipped in before reality swooped in and snuffed them out.

The doorbell rang, and I heard the muffled voices of my brother and Hunter through my bedroom door. Nervousness seeped in to the point I nearly backed out and sent a text to Hunter telling him I was sick. “You can do this, Kassandra. You have weathered worse storms than this.” Great, now I was talking to myself out loud. Did pregnancy cause dementia?

The look on Hunter’s face when I stepped into the living room where he was waiting did wonders for my self-esteem. Warmth spread across my cheeks. His eyes had widened, and his jaw hung loose before he blinked, closed his mouth, and cleared his throat.

“Wow. You look beautiful, Kassi. I mean, not that you don’t always look beautiful, but I’ve never seen you in anything but scrubs. I’ll shut up now. So, are you ready to go?” Matt stood behind him and slightly to the side. His messy, dark locks of hair flopped in his eyes, as he gave me a thumbs-up, causing my blush to morph from pink to flame-red in fear Hunter could see Matt in his peripheral vision. Oh, dear God, that kid.

“Let me grab my jacket and purse.” Stepping around him, I gave Matt my best “knock your shit off” look and pulled my shorter wool peacoat out, but before I could slip it on, Hunter had taken it in his hands to hold as I pushed my arms through the sleeves.

“Thank you.” My cheeks felt on fire, and I was sure I was cherry-red by that time.

“My absolute pleasure, beautiful.”

Like the gentleman he was, he opened the truck door and helped me inside before closing the door behind me. Watching him walk around the front of the truck toward the driver’s side, I noticed he had obviously skipped his shave today and had a really nice scruff going on. Instead of making him look sloppy or lazy, it was rugged and hot as hell.

After climbing behind the wheel, he headed over toward the restaurants that lined the lake. My heart started racing when he took the turn toward Fillenwarth Beach. Oh shit. Did the gods really hate me so much?

When he drove past the Nautical, I breathed a sigh of relief. Until he whipped around and stopped in front of the building next door. Knowing that particular place was under complete renovation, I knew we were going into the Nautical.

Why? Why did it have to be the place Erik had brought me the first night? Looking to the heavens, I wondered why I was being punished. What misdeed did the powers-that-be determine I had committed?

Hunter shut off his truck, and before I could get unbuckled, he was around to my side, opening the door for me. As I stepped down to the ground from the running board, it brought me nearly chest to chest with him. Those green eyes of his glittered in the light emanating from the bar. His breath mingled with mine, our lips nearly touching. A group of laughing guests exiting the establishment brought the moment to an abrupt end.

We both stepped back, but when I did I hit the running boards with the back of my calves and almost lost my balance. Strong arms caught me, pulling me upright again.

“I’ve got you.” My face felt on fire, both from my gracelessness and the way he made me feel.

Cherished.

Special.

A girl could get used to treatment like this. Just let go of Erik and move on.

Too bad that was easier said than done. Who was it that said, “the heart wants what it wants”? Emily Dickinson? Well, it should frickin’ listen to me instead, because it was making my life hell.

Walking into the Nautical hand in hand with Hunter, I noted all the laughing faces. People having a good time with friends, watching sports on many of the televisions, shouting when their favored team did well, and smiling amongst themselves.

The same bartender was at the bar with a cheerful grin on his face as he joked with patrons at the bar, along with another bartender talking to some customers further down the bar as he mixed up a couple of drinks for them. Many people were sporting T-shirts with their logo and “Get Nauti in Okoboji.”

Hunter squeezed us into a table halfway through the bar, along the wall, and we both looked over the menu. After the waitress took our order, we sat companionably, taking in the energy of the room. Thankfully, it was a different waitress than the night Erik and I came here.

What the heck? Could I not keep him out of my thoughts for a single day? Taking a deep breath, I vowed to push his memories into a little box in my mind and stash it away in the recesses of my head. Hunter was a new page in my life. He was not a rebound. He was a really great guy, one that wanted to be in my life and that of my unborn baby.

If I kept reminding myself of his impressive qualities, maybe I could completely erase Erik from my field of vision and my heart.

It could be done, right?

“Through It All”—From Ashes To New

THIS IS SUCH A bad idea, I told myself for the hundredth time. Once again, I found myself sitting in the dark in my truck across from her house. While I’d sat there trying to decide if I had the balls to go to her door, I had watched her brother leave and knew she was home alone. Was it even fair to try to convince her to give me a second chance after what I had done to her the day she’d come to see me? That had been such an incredibly douche move, and not one I was proud of.

The last couple of weeks had been hell. She had set up residence in my mind, occupying my thoughts nonstop. So many times, I wanted to share something with someone and she was the first one to pop into my thoughts. Out of the blue, I would think I smelled her perfume, and it would hit me like a hammer to the chest. Because of all of that, I had desperately tried to stay away from her. Thinking if I quit seeing her, watching her, I could push her from my mind. So, coming to the realization that I loved her was a serious moment for me. It was a tough, bitter pill to swallow with my history, but I knew there would be no happiness for me without her.

My eyes trailed over to the passenger seat where a big teddy bear sat with a satin heart held to his chest reading, “Be Mine.” There was a box of chocolates beside the furry beast. Corny, yeah, but it was Valentine’s Day, and I figured it was the perfect day to try to make amends. Just as I grabbed the bear and reached for the door handle, a truck pulled into her driveway.

“Shit. Now what?”

A guy with khaki pants and a leather jacket jumped out of the truck and headed to the door with a handful of red roses. With increasing trepidation and denial, I watched as he nervously ran his hand through his hair before taking a deep breath and knocking on the door. Fuck no. The knife slid between my ribs to my heart. What utterly broke me was seeing her open the door to him and throw her arms around him after he handed her the flowers. The twist of the knife was her smile, followed by her hands framing his face and her kissing him with such tenderness before motioning him inside.

Moments later, they emerged from the house, hand in hand. He assisted her into the truck, closing her door after she was settled in her seat. The ache in my chest grew in magnitude until it felt like a vice around my heart. Because seeing all of that wasn’t enough abuse, I sat and watched as they drove away together.

My pain slowly morphed to anger. Anger at myself for pushing her away. Anger at myself for waiting so long to go after her. Anger at her for not waiting for me. The last, I knew wasn’t fair, but at the time it seemed completely logical. In my frustration, I beat on my defenseless steering wheel. That should have been me with her.

So, there it was. She was lost to me before I even had her. Joker was right; for someone so smart, I was a dumbass.

Starting my truck and pulling away from the curb with a squealing of tires, I told myself I was fine; I would deal with this and move on. This shouldn’t surprise me. She and I both knew we wouldn’t work out. I shouldn’t be mad at her for moving on. I should be relieved. Anger continued to brew, simmer, and boil inside me. It began to consume me bit by bit, like the tide morphing a carefully constructed sandcastle into nothing.

Returning to the clubhouse, I saw Steph talking to Reaper in the parking lot. Parking my truck next to his, I got out and noticed their kiddos were bundled up in Steph’s SUV. Remi was waving at me through the window, a big smile on her precious face. As soon as I saw that sweet smile, my anger began to dissipate, and I went back to my truck and grabbed the bear and candy.

Opening her door, I reached in, handed her the bear, kissing her lightly on the head and tossing the candy on the front passenger seat. Her squeal told me she loved the stupid thing. Better she get some enjoyment from it than tossing it in the trash, I supposed.

“Well, that was random….” Reaper smirked at me, having no clue about the short history behind the large bear.

“Thank you, Uncle Erik! I love him soooo much!” Her smile was contagious, but I couldn’t help the pain I felt every time I was around one of the guys with their kids. Longing engulfed me before I shoved it away.

Even my own niece and nephew rarely saw me. I loved them like crazy, but I wasn’t safe to be around them. I didn’t deserve to be around them. And it hurt too fucking much.

“You’re welcome, sweetheart.” The crack in my voice was surely a figment of my imagination. My heart felt like it slowed, each thud feeling powerful enough to burst through my chest cavity as, instead of Remi, I saw another child with dark hair, no more than six years old. One that I watched the life seep out of all over my hands. Looking at my palms, I expected them to be stained crimson, as they were once before. Sounds around me faded to murmurs. Nothing existed but my hands in front of me. No. No, no, no, no. Not now. Not after so long… Screams. Confusion. Cries. Devastation everywhere….

“Erik!” With a start, I whirled on the balls of my feet, fist balled and arm drawn back. My eyes seemed to slowly clear as they darted franticly around. Steph stood in front of me, arms up with her palms facing me the way one would try to calm a raging animal. Reaper’s arm stretched across her, ready to push her to safety, if need be. He recognized the torment within me, and he was right to protect her. After all, he understood it very well.

Breath coming in rasping, heaving desperation, I could only shake my head as I backed away and returned to my truck. Dammit, that was Steph and I had damn near decked her. I’d known her since she was barely more than a toddler, when her brother Sam and I became friends in first grade.

Fuck, I wasn’t fit company tonight.

Ignoring Reaper’s shouts, I pulled out of the lot like a bat out of hell. No specific destination in mind, I just drove. Maybe if I drove far enough and fast enough, the memories would evaporate like a mist. Memories of innocent children who would never know love, laughter, or happiness. All because I failed. It didn’t matter that I tried. I still failed.

And the most innocent of them all? The one that truly haunted me every day of my life? The one who never even took a single breath. That sweet child will forever haunt me, running my heart and soul through the ringer.

My phone rang, but I didn’t even look at the lit screen. When I didn’t answer, the ringing stopped. Only to start again right away. The “fuck you” button was my next response. When the phone rang for the last time, I held down the button, shutting it down. Doing what I seemed to do best, I pushed everyone away.

Though I desperately tried, I still ached for bright blue eyes and dark silky hair. Losing her had left a void in my chest cavity. She had been the first girl since Layla to make me wish I was a different person, a better person.

After driving aimlessly on the backroads, I turned back toward town and headed into my parents’ neighborhood. Each house I passed brought back memories every time. Playing hide-and-go-seek in the yards. Picking the flowers out of old lady Newman’s flower bed to bring to Jenny Howard—I was seven, cut me a break. Climbing up into Kevin McDaniel’s apple tree in his front yard to pick apples for my mom to make apple pie for all us kids. Tossing the football over and over in front of Brad Emerson’s house. Yeah, I had a great childhood, even with all the bumps, bruises, scrapes, and broken bones over the years. It was full of memories and experiences I wouldn’t trade for the world.

Pulling up in front of my childhood home, I sat at the curb taking in the massive Victorian. We had so many good times in that house. Every time my parents talked about selling it and getting something smaller and easier to manage, it made my chest ache. Everyone in town referred to it as a mansion, but to us it was just home. My dad had been an amazing father, even though he was a real estate developer and he had traveled a lot when we were really young. He always made time for us when he was home, but once we got in high school and we were all playing football, he never missed a game. Whether home or away, no matter where he was.

The house was big, I couldn’t deny that. There were six bedrooms and a total of six bathrooms in the big brownstone. Jonathan had the room at the top of the stairs, Maddox had the next one, with a Jack-and-Jill type shared bath between them, then me with my own small bathroom, and Bexley was across the hall. Of course, being the only girl, she got one of the rooms with the biggest bathroom. My parents had theirs on the main floor with their own bathroom, and the room next to Bexley, with its own bathroom was saved as a guest room. We had a big family, so there was always someone visiting. Then there was a half bath on the main floor for when we had get-togethers or people were over. Like I said, it was a big house. A big beautiful house full of memories… and bathrooms. I chuckled to myself.

It would really suck if they sold it.

Even though we were all grown and gone, there were times we randomly just crashed there. Even Jonathan and Rachel, who had moved to Des Moines after she graduated college. There was always an excuse. We drank too much. The weather was bad. It had gotten late and we were tired. It didn’t matter the excuse, every one of us knew it was really just that, an excuse. Staying in our old rooms grounded us… brought us back to Earth when we felt we were drifting weightless in the universe.

The exact reason I ended up here tonight.

Stepping down from my truck, my feet instinctually guided me up the stone steps onto the wraparound porch. There was no need to knock. Family was always welcome.

As soon as I walked in the door, the familiar smells of my mother’s candles enveloped me. Hanging by the door was the framed reminder of the one thing I never wanted to receive. My Purple Heart Medal was framed in a shadow box with the letter and certificate. The only medal no service member wanted to receive. I fucking hated it. That fucking thing would never hang in my house.

Breathing deeply and avoiding the framed reminder like it might bite me, I headed to the living room where I knew I would find my dad with his feet up and leaned back in his recliner as my mom sat on the couch working on one of her cross-stitch designs. Yep, she glanced up with a smile, her blonde hair glowing warm golden from the fire in the hearth, as my dad greeted me.

“Hey, son. What brings you by? Wasn’t sure you were even still in town since you haven’t been over in so long. No Valentine for you this year?” He didn’t mean anything by it, but damn that cut deep. My half-hearted smile had my mom chastising him. She always could read us kids like a book.

“Oh, Gordon, stop. Remember what I said? Besides, you act like he’s in grade school and didn’t get any Valentine’s Day cards.” A small chuckle slipped out, and I felt my soul warm. This was what I needed.

“Oh, he knows I’m just giving him shit, hon. Good to see you, Erik. Sorry to ditch you the first time you visit in months—ahem!—but this old man needs his beauty sleep. I have an early morning tomorrow.” My dad was nearly silver on the sides, but still more “pepper” than “salt” on the top. After a heart scare a few years ago, he converted the basement into a home gym so the grey hair and his deep laugh lines around his eyes were the only sign of aging marring his youthful appearance. Hell, I hoped I aged as well, but at the rate I was going, I would probably run myself to the ground before I was forty.

“Yeah, you’re so old, Dad.”

“It ain’t the years, son, it’s the miles.” He laughed as he came over and hugged me. Nope, I wasn’t ashamed to hug my dad. Not one bit. “Don’t be such a stranger, Erik. It’s good to see you. Love you, son.” He spoke quietly in my ear before he stepped back and went to kiss my mom good night. Once upon a time, I had wanted that. The love they shared. Then, I felt like I didn’t deserve it. Now, I didn’t know what I wanted.

After he had closed the bedroom door down the hall, my mom stared me down with those knowing eyes. “Sit down and tell me what you’ve been up to, Erikson.” She insisted on calling all of us kids by our full names. She was the only one, and because she was my mom and I loved the hell out of her, I let her get away with it. Still, I gave her a shake of my head and a wry smile as I dropped unceremoniously to the couch next to her.

“Same old, same old.” My head dropped to the back of the couch, and I closed my eyes. After sitting quietly for several moments, I sighed. “Mom? How did you know dad was the one?”

“Shouldn’t you ask him how he knew I was the one?” She snickered, and I looked over at her with one eye, keeping the other closed.

“Really, Mom? I’m trying to come to you with real-world problems. Isn’t a mom supposed to be thrilled if her son comes to her for advice? Besides, we’ve all heard the story about how he saw you out with your friends one night and the heavens opened and angels sang. A million times. Somehow, I don’t think that’s the way things really went down.” My droll tone just made her laugh harder.

She smiled at me as she set her project to the side and gave me her undivided attention.

“Is this the same girl you bought the necklace for? Or the one you bought the candy and bear for?” Jesus, sometimes I hated living in a small town. Trying to figure out who told her could literally take days with the endless array of possibilities in this town. Which was exactly why I wouldn’t even try.

Shaking my head at her nameless source, I closed my eye again and blew out a frustrated breath. “They were both for the same girl.” Slitting my eyes to gauge her response, I could see her foot swinging and her arms crossed over her chest. Not a good sign.

“And the reason I haven’t met her after nearly two months… or more?”

“Jesus, Mom. Can we focus here?” I exclaimed in exasperation.

“Don’t use the Lord’s name in vain, Erikson. Not in my house. Now tell me about this girl.”

“Forget I said anything. Honestly, it doesn’t matter. I fu—uh, I mean… I screwed up and now she’s with someone else. Case closed. You know, I think I’ll crash here tonight. I’m too damn tired to drive home, and it looks like it could snow again tonight.” In all honesty, I slept more nights at the clubhouse than my own lately, because my bed and the guest bed reminded me too much of Kassi.

Making a move to rise from the couch, my mother, never one to give up easily, put her hand on my leg to stop me and spoke seriously. “Erikson. Please. Tell me what’s going on with you. Ever since you joined the Marine Corps you’ve been different. I’ve worried about you every day since then. What did you do that was so bad she can’t possibly forgive you?” Her soft hand cupped my cheek before gripping my chin between her thumb and pointer finger to make me look at her.

In resignation, I pulled slowly away, covered my face with my hands, and bowed my head. “It was before that, Mom. Before the Marine Corps. Why I joined, actually. And yeah, I think I messed up pretty bad by just being plain stupid. Now I just have to figure out how to get over her.”

“Send Me An Angel”—Highly Suspect

Mid-May

“OH MY GOD, HUNTER! It won’t fit! Ow!” My complaints were muffled and seemed to fall on deaf ears, until Hunter looked up to my eyes and spoke.

“Shit, Kassi, just hold still. It’s just a little tight. Maybe if I….” Hunter grunted with exertion. “Maybe you should try a different one.”

Looking down over my belly that seemed to have doubled in size overnight, I huffed. “I’m not trying a different one. I like this one. You can make it fit. Just try harder, but hurry or we’re going to be late for work!”

The first shoe had gone on just fine. But now the left one wouldn’t fit, no matter how much he loosened the laces. These were my favorite pair, and I wasn’t going to wear mismatched shoes, nor was I taking off the one shoe I had been able to get on. Because let me tell you, at seven months and some change, it was difficult to bend over, so getting that first shoe on had been one hell of an accomplishment.

“Baby, I know you love these shoes, but you need to be realistic. If you can’t get them both on, then we need to try a different pair. It looks like maybe you’re retaining a little fluid. You probably shouldn’t have added sa—”

“No. Don’t say it. If I want to salt my tortilla chips, I’m going to salt my tortilla chips. End of discussion. Here, let me see it.” I reached for the offensive shoe, and he placed it in my hands, shaking his head at my stubbornness the entire time. I mean, who wants to eat tortilla chips that have no salt on them? Is it my fault the Mexican restaurant we ate at last night uses unsalted chips? Of course not.

My swollen fingers worked the laces as loose as they would go before I attempted to lean sideways in my chair to get at my left foot. Wiggling it back and forth, I finally was able to shove my foot in. Looking at Hunter in triumph, I shot him a smug smile. His deep laughter and beautiful smile made my belly flutter, like it did every time.

“Now how are you going to tie it since there is about three quarters of an inch left to work with on each side?” His words were broken up by his uncontrolled laughter.

“Well, the damn thing’s tight enough, I doubt it will fall off.” My rationale seemed legit to me. He blew out a breath and rubbed a hand over his face, trying to disguise the smile I knew was still there at my expense. It didn’t make me mad at him one bit.

In the last several months, we had developed into a comfortable arrangement. We were pretty much together, but we both were still holding back. He would swing by to pick me up when he was on his way to work on the days we worked the same shift. That way Matt could have the car for school. Every so often, he stayed the night, but neither of us had mentioned moving in together. Part of me felt he was afraid he would scare me away; the other part of me was sure he was waiting for me to bring it up when I was ready.

That was the thing though. Honestly, I wasn’t sure I would ever be ready. Once bitten, twice shy and all.

His hand caressed my face, and his firm lips brushed against mine. Absently, my hands went to his shoulders, sliding up his neck to sift through the back of his medium-cropped hair. He was such a great guy, and I counted myself lucky that he had been so good to me. Not just anyone would be willing to step into the shoes another man discarded so carelessly. He had been my mental saving grace over the last few months. He had also helped heal my shattered heart. He carefully gathered up the jagged pieces and gently fitted them together as best as he could.

Yes, there were gaps. Yes, I was still fragile and broken, but with his help I was mending as best as I could.

I had pushed the raw pain into a safe little compartment, but it slipped out at the thought of Erik. No matter how hard I tried, and despite how much he had hurt me, I couldn’t forget him or get over him. Probably another reason why I hadn’t solidified things with Hunter. It didn’t seem fair to Hunter, when I had such a small piece of my heart left to offer. It was like cheating him.

Hunter was so damn beautiful and so damn good—as in he was an amazingly giving and caring person. Any girl would be lucky to have him. I was lucky to have him.

“Kassi, we need to go. God, I wish we didn’t.” He growled out the words against my kiss-swollen lips. Oh, and he was such a good kisser.

Knowing he was right, I let out a frustrated sigh.

“Fine, but we’re picking this back up when we get home. After I make supper anyway.” No one told me being pregnant made you horny as hell. Then again, it wasn’t like I had a lot of choices of insightful pregnancy mentors. No matter how turned on I was by him though, food came first. Tonight, I was making spaghetti. Oh, and garlic bread, because… yeah… carbs. Hey, a girl had to have priorities.

His lips tipped up at the edges before he leaned forward to give me a quick peck on the tip of my nose. Lord, this man was so easy to love. And I did. I did love him, but it was just a different kind of love. My heart just needed to heal, and I prayed in time I could fall truly and deeply in love with him—as in love with him as I was with my baby’s father.

“Let’s get going before we’re late, baby. Don’t you have your appointment over your lunch today?”

“Yeah, Dr. Porter is coming down to the ED to see me.” Perks of being a nurse in the same small hospital where your doctor worked. She made “ward calls” when she was able. She had arranged to see me right before she had a scheduled induction at the hospital, and she said she needed to talk to me about something. Win for me because I didn’t have to waste a day off going to the doctor’s office just for a monthly checkup. Everything seemed to be going well—umm well, except for this fluid retention because I loved salt so damn much—so I wasn’t worried it was something bad she needed to discuss.

Standing up and holding his hand out to help me heft my large ass out of the chair, Hunter pulled me to standing and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me close. Well, as close as one can get with a rather large abdomen protruding between us.

“So, have you settled on any names for him? Or are you still going over your list of twenty-five names?” Such an exaggeration… There were only about, ohhh… twenty first names.

“Actually, yes, I have. I’ve narrowed it down to three. Okay, maybe four. But it’s a surprise.” Regardless of the blatant disregard for his soon-to-be child, I prayed daily that someday Erik would want something to do with his son. That was the driving force behind giving my baby boy his father’s name as his middle name. That meant my choices were Sebastian Erik, Jakob Erik, Beckham Erik, and Alexander Erik. But I couldn’t share that with Hunter without him asking about the significance of “Erik,” since it was the middle name for all of them.

“Oh, come on… don’t I get a say so?” He was joking, but the question threw the metaphoric bucket of cold water over my mood. Pasting a smile on my face, I just laughed, kissed him, and gently extricated myself from his hold. Using the excuse of grabbing my work tote and looking to make sure I had my lunch, clipboard, stethoscope, bandage scissors, tape, hemostat, and all my other “what-if” supplies packed, I turned my back to him. My inhaled breath was uneven.

Hunter wanted to step up to the plate as a father figure to my baby. I knew he did. It just seemed so disloyal to Erik, despite his coldhearted treatment of me. Why was the heart so foolish in who it loved? Composing my features, I turned back to him with a bright smile.

“Okay, I have everything. You ready?” Looking into his eyes, I knew he regretted mentioning having any input. It was almost an unspoken rule with us that he treaded lightly in regards to the baby. It was foolish of me to hold back with him on this. Deep down, I knew it was me who needed to decide where our relationship went from here, because he was obviously all in. That was so damn difficult for me, and it shouldn’t be.

“Yeah, babe, I’m ready. Here, let me get your bag.” He extricated the handles from my fingers and slung it over his shoulder. His smile was still as beautiful, but the light in his eyes had dimmed. Now I felt like shit. He was never anything but good to me.

Following him out the door, I mentally began to prep for work. Thankfully, I still had a job. Tom had been extremely understanding when I broke down and told him about my situation. He had agreed to play it by ear, and as long as there were no complications with my pregnancy and my OB said I was clear to work, then I would have a job. The moment that changed, we would have to reevaluate. Luckily, everything had gone textbook perfect so far, and I had completed the Trauma Nurse certification with flying colors.

The ride to work was uneventful, and we settled into the typical routine for the night. My appointment with Dr. Porter, my OB, had gone okay. She was mostly concerned about my fluid retention, slightly elevated levels of protein in my urine, and my hypertension. So we were watching me for preeclampsia. Yay.

Hunter had been busy all night with some college kids who had been in a car accident who were suffering from the typical aches, pains, and one had a broken arm. Two of my patients were siblings and were there for fever and cough. Gotta love spring cold season. The other was a guy who had caught his hand in a table saw and was lucky to still have a hand. Dr. Morris was stitching him up as I assisted. He was just putting in the final suture when the trauma notification system went off on the overhead page system.

“Thought tonight was too good to be true. Well, Kass, are you ready for some excitement?” The doc tied the last suture, and I stepped in to clean up the used supplies as he told the patient how to care for the wound and what to watch for.

We had just gathered outside the ambulance entrance when we heard over the radio, “Twenty-nine-year-old male, code in progress. Cranial injuries. Multiple lacerations. Significant blood loss. Possible fractures to right tibia and fibula. Two minutes out. Be advised.” Shit. It was going to be a busy night.

If only I had known that night would haunt me for a long time to come.

“Fake It”—Seether

THE WEATHER HAD BEEN beautiful lately, and I had been riding my bike every day for almost two months. It was the only thing that gave me peace. Slowly, I had been getting my head straight. Coming clean with my mom had taken a huge burden off my chest. She had cried when I told her everything and couldn’t believe I hadn’t come to them before. When I told her how messed up I had been, and still was, and how I had just needed to get away from everything, she didn’t really understand. Not that I expected her to, but she was stronger than I anticipated, and she sat and listened. Then she held me as I cried. Like a fucking baby.

Rolling up to the clubhouse, I saw I wasn’t the only one who had been out enjoying the weather today, if the line of bikes parked in the lot was any sign of all the guys riding that day. There were a couple of the old ladies there with their kids, and I saw Reaper manning the grill under the trees at the side of the building. Today was the monthly family picnic, and since the weather was nice, we had been able to have the last two at the clubhouse, rather than in Reaper’s shop at his place.

Snow, Vinny, Gunny, and Butch were all sitting with cold beers in their hands shooting the shit. Reload and DJ, the prospects, were refilling the coolers with beer, soda, and juice packs for the kiddos. Joker and Hollywood were standing at the end of the bikes talking, and Joker was sporting his new E-cig. It gave me a chuckle because the first day he showed up with one, he pulled out a lighter out of habit and almost set fire to the damn thing. He was trying so hard to quit smoking, but this was his third attempt in as many months. We all kept encouraging him and telling him it can take a while and not to get down on himself when he fell off the wagon.

They waved at me as I pulled up and backed into the end of the row. After I parked, I climbed off and walked up to embrace Hollywood and Joker.

“Hey, bro, nice ride in, wasn’t it? Shit, this damn thing sucks. ¡Esta es una cagada!” Joker looked at the E-cig with distaste as he shook it and looked it over. “Fucking thing isn’t working. Be right back.” He walked off to his bike, presumably to get a different one. He was funny as shit with those things, but I wouldn’t laugh out loud at him because I was proud of him. Nah, that’s not true. I still laughed my ass off at him, but I really was proud as hell of him.

Hollywood chuckled as Joker walked off, then turned to me. “Thanks for setting up the security system for me at my house. When the old one shit the bed, I thought Becca was going to have conniptions.” His eyes naturally scanned the area until he spotted his wife and son sitting with the other old ladies near the tables covered with food. Everyone was waiting for the items from the grill to be done. The chubby baby boy was flapping his arms as he stood on Becca’s knees and watched Remi, Wyatt, and Dice’s granddaughter, Bella, playing on the ground in the center of their chairs.

“No problem. I told you I would either fix the old one or hook you up with a new system. Your hardware was all good, but the software was shit. It was an easy fix to upload mine to it, with a few modifications. I’m just glad it gives Becca some peace of mind.” One of the prospects brought me a beer, and I pulled my bottle koozie from the Nautical out and slipped in on before tipping it back. The bitter brew was ice cold and hit the spot. Even though I was a whiskey guy, I enjoyed a cold beer when the weather got nice.

Glancing around again, as Joker rejoined us, I noted the rest of the brothers were here and spread around the area already. Cash, Two-Speed, Soap, and Smoke were off to the side playing a game of horseshoes. The only ones missing were Pops and Mama Jean because they had already set off in the new toy-hauler RV they had bought to go traveling in. Last we heard, they were on their way to Arizona. I made a mental note to check in with him later to make sure they were okay.

We made our way over to everyone gathered by the game and the grill, so I could greet my brothers and the family members that were present. Even though I had my blood family, these people here were the ones who helped me get my shit straight when I came back from the Marine Corps. Fuck, I was a hot damn mess then. It was hard to believe I had actually tried to pick a fight with Snow, Gunny, Vinny, and some of the others that first night.

It had been right after I got home, and I had been drowning my sorrows as they played pool at the Oasis one night. All the shit in my head had been messing with me, and my fucking demons were bearing down on me hard. At that point, I was probably lower than I had been when I ran off and joined the Marines. The rational part of me knew I needed to pull my head out of my ass and fight back, because I had family and friends that loved me, needed me, but there was the wicked, little, whispering voice telling me how worthless I was… what a failure I was… how no one would want me around when they found out all my darkest secrets.

“You fuckers think you’re badasses with your cute little matching leather vests?” My drunk ass had bumped into one of the guys as he was setting up his shot, and when he stood up and growled at me to watch where the fuck I was going, the alcohol made me brave and my demons made me masochistic.

“What the fuck did you just say?” They all looked at me like I had lost my ever-loving mind. How right they were. Home on terminal leave from the my six-year enlistment in the Marine Corps, I had deftly lied my way through all my out-processing assessments, just like I had during my redeployment physicals and psych exams. My head was brimming with guilt from Layla to the hostages I had failed on my last mission. Getting the shit beat out of me was a necessary evil, it would seem.

“Do you know who we are?” Oh, I knew who they were.

Everyone in town knew who they were.

The Demented Sons had been in this town as long as I could remember. They were actually a pretty badass group of guys, and they kept the troublemakers and shitheads out of the town. Not only that, but if you messed with one, you were getting them all. So, it was no surprise when I ended up with a wall of leather in my face after my drunken comment.

Evidently, alcohol helped me become a glutton for punishment. “You fucking heard me. You’re nothing but a bunch of fucking pansy-ass fucktards. Riding around together like you’re something special.” My inebriated poking of the bear continued until finally the Viking, the guy whose turn it had been, reached back and nailed me in the right cheekbone.

Unable to balance well as it was, the hit knocked me backward into a table, turning it over and landing me flat on my back. My glass went flying, as did the item clenched in my other hand so tight, the prongs had left my palm bleeding.

The room was spinning, and I swore I saw stars as one of the other guys knelt to pick up the object where it fell near his feet.

“Gunny, wait!” The Viking he called Gunny had my shirt clenched in one fist and the other drawn back to rain hell on my poor, already swelling cheek. He squatted down and held the item in my face. The purple ribbon and dangling gold heart were coming in and out of focus, as I looked at it with repulsion.

“Where did you get this? Is it yours?” He continued to hold it out, and the other guys were waiting for my answer as well.

“Fuck that piece of shit.” The words spat out of my mouth with contempt and the blood pooling in my mouth from the hit I took from the Viking.

“Answer me, boy. Is. This. Yours?” His tone brooked no argument, and I should have said something smart to allow the dark blond Viking to continue beating the shit out of me, but I was tired. Bone weary, emotionally and mentally done. My eyes closed, and my head fell to the side. Weakness leaked from my eyes to land on the dingy carpet.

“Yeah. It’s mine.” The words whispered from my lips.

“Shit.” The Viking let go of my shirt and stood. With his hands clenching and unclenching, he spoke in a deep growl. “What branch?”

“Marines,” was my tired reply. “Semper fucking Fi.”

“Jesus.” Several of them murmured.

The Viking, as I had dubbed him, was Gunny, obviously. Snow was the one who had picked up the Purple Heart Medal I had been grasping. From that day on, they would stop by to check on me as I worked at the local feed store. It was just a job to give me something mindless to do. Throwing feed sacks and hay bales all day fit the bill.

What I didn’t know at the time was the majority of the members had been prior service. The club had actually been started up by seven veterans who had been lost and flailing after coming home from Vietnam. They banded together to keep each other sane and to recreate the camaraderie they needed. Those feelings were what drew most of the members in. Yeah, most of us had issues, I ain’t gonna sugarcoat shit. But we understood each other. We were there for each other. No matter what.

Gunny was the first one to suggest me joining the club when he saw my bike parked out in front of the store one day. At first I had rebelled and told him I didn’t want anything to do with them. I wanted to be alone. The only person I really talked to at the time was my buddy Kayde, who was still finishing up his enlistment. He had another couple of years left and had been talking about settling by me since I was more family than his own.

That would be Joker. The day he was patched at the end of last year had been one of the happiest and proudest moments of my life. He was like my little brother already, and then he actually became my brother through the patch.

Anyway, Gunny finally wore me down. He spent so much time talking to me, he started to bring small parts of me slowly back to life. Still, there were parts of me that were so black, I doubted anyone would ever find a light that could breach through the dark desolation I felt.

That was until Kassi. She was that bright ray of sunshine I had been waiting my whole life for, and I chased her away. Straight into the arms of another man. It didn’t get any more cliché than that. Cliché or not, it still fucking hurt. Ripped out my heart. When Reaper had asked me if I loved her that night, he had planted a seed that took root, and I couldn’t eradicate it no matter how hard I tried.

She was so deeply embedded in my mind, I thought I saw her everywhere, her scent followed me, and she infiltrated my dreams every night. Despite all of that, I was doing my best to let go and move on. Thoughts of her no longer brought me to my knees. Now I just felt a slight twinge in my chest. The true test would be to actually lay eyes on her. I wasn’t quite brave enough to test myself with that, so I avoided anywhere I thought she might be. Better safe than sorry, right?

Reaper yelled out that chow was ready, and everyone made their way through the line, heaping food on their plates. Laughter and friendly voices filled the air as everyone ate and conversation flowed around the group. Some people didn’t understand the draw to an MC, but this was it. It was about family.

“No date today, Hacker?” Joker laughed, and I wanted to punch him in his laughing damn face. That fucker could always seem to sense my thoughts, and I swore he said shit just to piss me off.

“Fuck no. And where is your date, asshole?” There was a flash of something in his eyes before he laughed. I had a feeling there was something going on with him, but he hadn’t said anything. He had gone out of town unexpectedly last week, and he had been scarce around the clubhouse. Come to think of it, I had stopped by the Tattoo shop to have him touch up my ink and our other artist, Roy, said Joker called to have him reschedule his appointments for Monday and Tuesday.

“Don’t laugh, fucker. If you don’t have a woman stashed somewhere, then where the hell did you run off to last week? What the hell’s up with you?” When I put him on the spot, he looked away and took a big drag of his E-cig. Do you even call it a drag on a fake cigarette? Hell, I didn’t know. Either way, I could tell I had touched on a nerve.

Hollywood broke out in a giant grin before he shouldered Joker.

“What the fuck? You holding out on us, Joker? You and Hacker both. Being all fucking mopey and shit. If this is about some chick, we need to find you each a good woman and get you settled down.” Hollywood tipped up his beer, but his laughing eyes told me he knew he was hitting nerves.

“What the fuck ever.” I snorted in disgust. “I don’t need anything.” Fucker thought just because he was happily shackled, the rest of us wanted to be. Man, screw that.

“Fuck.” The little voice rang out at a moment that seemed completely silent. Remi was sitting at a small table set up for the kids, with Reaper and Steph in chairs next to her. Reaper looked at me and mouthed “Really, fucker?” before he said, “Damn, man, y’all need to watch your fucking mouths. My little girl is copying your dumb asses.” Steph turned wide and chastising eyes on him.

“Really, babe? Like you’re any better. Do you listen to yourself? That little girl will be able to cuss better than a sailor by the time she is in first grade!” We all groaned.

“No! No sailor talk! That’s blasphemy!” My expression of indignation had everyone laughing.

“Man, shut the hell up. After all, you jarheads are just glorified sailors.” Hollywood snickered.

When I jumped up out of my chair in his direction, he jumped up so fast his chair tipped backward, and he was scrambling back and laughing his ass off. Knowing I was coming after him, he quickly handed off his plate to Becca and started moving away from everyone.

“Yeah, that’s right you little Army fucker, you better run.” I couldn’t keep a straight face anymore though, and I was laughing as hard as he was by the time I tackled him to the ground. We wrestled around for a few minutes before we both flopped back to the ground, staring up at the thick white clouds in the crystal-blue sky above with breathless laughter. Someone nudged me with a booted toe, and I glanced up to see Snow shaking his head at us.

“You children finished? You’re setting a bad example for the actual kids.” He stood there with his arms crossed looking down at us.

“Did anyone ever tell you that you look like a young Clint Eastwood?” My question had him trying to hold back a smile.

“Well, technically, he could be like Scott Eastwood, then,” Hollywood chimed in with his signature grin. He and I laughed, and Snow reached out a hand to help me up. After I was standing, I did the same for Hollywood.

“You dumb asses got jokes, huh? I’ll remember that….” Though he was definitely trying to hide it, his smile broke through his stern mask as he walked off toward the coolers, shaking his head.

“Love you, bro. You know I was just fuckin’ with you.” Hollywood reached an arm out to hook around my neck to pull me close. “We loved you jarheads. For real. Someone had to take our hand-me-downs.”

Laughing, I replied, “Fuck off. You loved us because you little Army men needed heroes, too.”

As we went back to eating, the good-natured ribbing went on for a while between those of us in the club who were veterans. No different than any other time. It never failed when we were all together. Though we gave each other shit, we respected each other regardless of the branch any of us served in, because ultimately, we all served. That was a bond no one could ever sever. Regardless, we each had a certain loyalty to our own branch.

After I finished with my plate, I tossed it in the trash and sat back down by Reaper and Steph.

“Dang, Erik, what the heck have you been doing? You’ve always been in shape, but you look like your muscles have muscles!” Steph poked my bicep with one finger.

“Ha ha. Cute, Stephy. Just been spending more time at the gym.” Like every waking moment I wasn’t working my computer security business or working something for the club. It seemed to be help keep my mind off Kassi. At that point, I was desperate for any distractions I could get.

“You need to make sure Colton goes with you. I wouldn’t want him to lose that sexy body I love so very much.” Winking at Reaper, she multitasked by trying to eat, hold a conversation with us, feed Wyatt, and keep his busy hands from upending her plate. Moms were pretty amazing like that.

She was doing pretty good until little Wyatt decided he was done eating and was wiggling all over the place, trying to flip her plate, pull her blonde hair, and scoot down to the ground where his sister sat eating some grapes. Poor Steph was playing hell with him and trying to eat. Without thinking, I reached over and grabbed him from her, pulling him to my lap. At the dead silence that suddenly became unavoidably noticeable, I looked up to see everyone staring at me like I had a dick coming out of my forehead.

“What?” In confusion, I glanced around the group where every set of eyes was riveted to me, mouths open, catching flies. Wyatt used my distraction to his advantage and latched his little fingers into my beard. The fifteen-month-old was strong, and he held it in a killer grip.

“Hey, you little beast. Easy on the beard, buddy.” Leaning close to him, I smelled sunshine and baby shampoo in his dark hair. His bright blue eyes, exactly like his daddy, looked at me with fascination as he continued to pet and pull on my beard. He felt so right in my arms. This… this was what I had missed out on. Fuck.

“Well, fuck me. ¿Qué carajo?” The awestruck words came from Joker. He was the first to speak.

“Are you feeling okay, Hacker?” Reaper was the next one to speak. Shit, these guys were acting like I had just said I was giving away my bike or something equally as shocking.

Hollywood grinned that signature smirk and had to run his big mouth too. “Hacker, that’s the first time I’ve seen you come within ten feet of anyone’s kids… let alone hold one. We all thought you were maybe… allergic to babies.” He was so full of shit.

“What the fu—uh…” Almost slipped out more damn cuss words in front of these impressionable little ears. “Uh, sorry, Stephy. That was close.” She was still staring at me with her plate suspended in the air and her mouth open.

“I… uh, I guess I just haven’t wanted to before now.” My muttered response earned me a wry look of disbelief from those closest to me. There were still a few covert glances thrown my way, but everyone had pretty much resumed their conversations. Yeah, I was fully aware my grabbing Wyatt to help Steph out had been uncharacteristic of me, but I didn’t realize everyone had noticed my aversion to being close to their, well, any kids. Come to think of it, the only one I ever really had anything to do with was Remi, and she was five now and more like a mini adult. That little girl had everyone wrapped around her finger. Remi and I had been buddies since Steph came back from Des Moines with her. Then again, she was like one of my nieces and nephews. Of course, I never held any of them.

I imagined Kassi with her belly distended with my child. She would be beautiful. Radiant. Glowing. Christ, I needed to stop thinking about her. But it was hard when we were all together with everyone’s family in attendance. Looking around at the brothers and their old ladies made me covetous. Not of their women, but of their relationships, the outpouring of love between them. Before Kassi, I couldn’t have given two shits about being at the family get-togethers alone. Dammit, this blows. She still took up too much real estate in my head.

“I can take him now if you want.” Steph’s voice broke into my quiet introspection. Noticing Steph had finished with her food and Reaper had taken her plate from her, I handed Wyatt back to her. The pang at letting him go surprised me. The questions crept into my mind again. Seeping around my gray matter, they began overlapping, and even physically shaking my head couldn’t make them go away.

Had it been a boy or a girl? Would he or she have had my dark hair or her light hair? Would I have been a good dad, like Reaper and Hollywood? Would I have loved them as deeply as the love I noticed in both my brothers’ eyes?

Memories and guilt assailed my mind, on top of the repeating questions, and I needed to get away. Like immediately. The only thing that cleared my head when it got this bad was asphalt flying under my wheels and the wind in my face. So, doing the only thing I knew to clear my head, I told everyone I was taking off, said my goodbyes, and climbed on my bike.

My pipes rumbled as I pulled out of the lot and onto the highway. It was mere seconds before I was exceeding the speed limit without a single, flying fuck that I could be arrested for how far over the limit I was going.

When the roar of pipes came up behind me at an accelerated speed, I looked in my rearview and took a quick glance over my shoulder. My heart rate jumped at the possibility it could be someone who didn’t have my best interests at heart. Relieved breath left my body when I noted it was Joker on his black V-rod. Damn that motherfucker was fast.

He pulled up next to me, and we followed the road up into Minnesota. Handlebar to handlebar, we navigated the twists and turns of the road. This was peace. No words, no worries, just the wind and the road. The best therapy on God’s green Earth.

Hours had passed by the time we crossed back into Iowa. The sun was going down in a kaleidoscope-colored sunset just as we skirted Spirit Lake on 240th Avenue. Twinkling ahead were the lights of town. As I took the last curve at the south side of the lake and was approaching the turn to continue on 240th, there was a burning sensation in my arm.

“Fuck!” Looking down at my arm, I noticed blood running from the painful area and knew some motherfucker had shot me. “What the every-loving fuck?” I shouted, causing Joker to look over at me. His eyes widened behind his helmet, and he had just signaled for us to pull over when my back tire broke loose. No matter what I would have done, there was no saving it. Joker had time to slam on his brakes and swerve away from me before my bike started to roll.

Most people may think getting thrown off your bike and rolling down an asphalt road would be painful. Maybe it was, but whether it was adrenaline or I was checking out that fast, I didn’t feel a thing and the world spun by in near slow motion. By the time I stopped rolling, my vision was blurring and the sounds of Joker yelling were muffled.

This just turned into a very bad day….

“Second Chance”—Shinedown

FLASHING LIGHTS AND SIRENS were present and visible before the ambulance pulled into the bay. The sirens shut off as they made the turn in to the hospital, but the lights continued to flash and spin as they came to a stop and the doors flew open.

“Here we go, Kassi.” Hunter and I were both trauma junkies. Not that we wished for people to get hurt, but we were all over that shit, getting them fixed up or patched up when they did.

As the paramedic began relaying the patient’s current stats, vitals, and condition to us, we were all rushing as one to the doors leading to the trauma room. Thankfully, they had resuscitated him by the time they arrived. Many don’t make it back from a code situation. To make it worse, it was hard to assess him at a glance because he was covered in blood. In my mind, I was already anticipating this poor guy would need at least two pints of blood; he looked like he’d lost a lot.

As we transferred him from the gurney to the trauma bed, his tattooed forearm and hand flopped out from under the blanket. My eyes studied that arm as I helped tuck it safely on the bed. My mind spun, a niggling, a wisp of something, but just on the fringes of my mind, memory struggled to surface. By rote, I transferred the fluid bag to the hook on our trauma bed.

In a split second, it hit me like a bolt of lightning. Stumbling backward and bumping into Hunter, my gaze shot to the patient’s face. That’s when I noted the beard, though it hadn’t registered initially, as it was covered in blood and an oxygen mask. With shaking hands, I attached the oxygen and set the rate at the doctor’s instructions.

“Kassi, you okay? You’re white as a sheet.” Hunter’s voice sounded as if it came from a hundred miles away as I robotically went through the motions to care for the patient I now knew was Erik. “Kassi! Look at me!” He spun me to face him, and it snapped me out of my emotional trance.

“I’m good.” My voice only betrayed a slight waver as I answered. Clearing my throat, I repeated in a voice I was proud to say was firmer, “Really, I’m good.”

I’d never know if it was Hunter yelling my name that stirred him or the sound of my voice, but as I stood there, my arm was seized by a firm, sticky hand. Looking down, I saw it was Erik’s bloody hand. His head and neck were still stabilized by the C-collar, so he couldn’t turn his head to me, but his eyes bore into me with fear and question. The blue seemed to glow bright turquoise in contrast to the darkened, dried blood covering his face. His eyes widened further as they took in my obviously pregnant belly, but before I could say anything, they rolled up in his head, and I heard the most dreaded phrase to be uttered in a trauma.

“We’re losing him!”

Snapping back into my zone, I compartmentalized the fact that this was the father of my baby dying on the bed. The rest of the trauma team and I ran through the situation like we were trained. It was fast, furious, but precise. Truthfully, I should have excused myself because of the personal aspect of this case. My charge nurse wouldn’t have held it against me, but deep down, I knew I was good at my job and he needed me.

We had just defibrillated him after getting a shockable rhythm. Everyone cheered momentarily and took a relieved breath when he returned to a normal sinus rhythm. We went back to work stabilizing his injuries, and it wasn’t long before we received the notification that CareFlight had landed and we were on the move, rolling to get him transported to Sioux Falls.

The whole incident took way less than an hour but felt like a lifetime from start to finish. When I watched them load him up into the helicopter and rise into the air, my heart was on the chopper with all of them. My emotions had run through an emotional blender tonight, and my ability to compartmentalize deteriorated the moment he was in the air.

When I dropped to my knees, the wind whipping my hair loose from my braid and covering my face, Hunter was there to wrap his arms around me.

“It’s okay, baby. It’s tough when we get them and they’re so touch and go, but you can’t let it get to you personally. You’re going to burn yourself out.” His lips pressed into my hair on top of my head. For a few moments, we sat there silently, and he let me just cry. Even though Erik had pushed me away and said he didn’t want anything to do with either me or our baby, the shock I saw in his eyes when he saw my belly gave me pause. He knew, but maybe it was a shock to be faced with us?

Either way, seeing him on the verge of death, not knowing if he would make it, tore my heart to shreds before it lifted off with him. The love I had tried to bury resurfaced to take my entire world and psyche by storm. He was a sudden tornado from clear skies, and I didn’t have a clue how to handle it because I hadn’t had time to prepare. Oh, I thought I had, but little did I know there was no preparing for that.

So, I prayed—for his survival, the future, and my heart.

As my sobs tapered off to sniffles and hiccupped breaths, Hunter tipped my face up to gently place his lips to mine. But for the first time since we had become a couple, I felt like I was cheating… cheating on him, cheating on Erik, and cheating on my heart. So I tucked my head down to break away from the kiss. My chest felt devoid of all vital organs. Empty and aching.

“I’m okay.” Inhaling a deep but unsteady breath before raising my gaze to his was one of the most difficult things I’d done all night. My mind was scrambled, and I couldn’t string my thoughts together, so I stood with his assistance and started back toward the ED.

Entering through the sliding doors into the bright lights of the hospital, my knees nearly buckled when I looked down and saw the bloody handprint wrapped around my arm. It was perfectly clear, as if someone had shoved their hand in dark-red paint and slapped their handprint on my forearm. It was a garish and violent reminder of the hold he still had on me.

My eyes were riveted to it as Hunter guided me to the scrub sink to wash it off. He gently scrubbed it, the foam turning pink as he continued to work the dried blood loose. When the hysterical laughter bubbled forth from my throat, he looked at me in concern. That was when the shaking started. Violently, my entire body erupted in tremors.

Without warning, I leaned forward and vomited into the sink. My stomach continued to heave until it felt like it was turning itself inside out. Hunter held my hair back and wiped my face with a cold rag handed to him by Jenny, the charge nurse for the night.

“Hunter, maybe you should drive her home,” she offered. “She looks awful, and I’m starting to worry about the baby. Tabitha is on her way in, so I can spare the two of you for a bit, but if you can make it back, that would be great.” The second half she whispered, and it barely registered as I continued to shake and stare at the stain still visible on my arm.

Mouth slightly slack, I stood transfixed by the stain and the sight of the pink foam that remained in the sink mixed with the contents of my stomach, and I felt heaves building again.

“Fuck, Kassi, come on, baby. Breathe. Here, sit down for a minute and take a drink.” Wordlessly, I obeyed, drinking hesitantly from the paper cup, every motion stiff and unemotional. “Look at me, baby.” At the back of my mind, I knew I was breaking down and would crumple soon if I didn’t do something, but I couldn’t make my mind and body sync. “Look at me!” It took him physically lifting my face with his two hands cradling it for me to see him.

“Let’s go home, okay, baby?” Still mute, I vacantly nodded as he took my hand and led me toward the doors. Jenny stood with me as he went to get his truck, rubbing her hand on my back in a motherly manner meant to comfort. If only it were that easy.

The big truck rolled up to the curb, and he ran around to open my door. He and Jenny helped me heft my significant bulk up into the seat. She must have grabbed my bag because she handed it to him, and he stored it in the back seat. Warm lips brushed against my cheek after he buckled me in.

Our trip home was silent, but I noticed his frequent glances in my direction.

We arrived at my house in what seemed like mere minutes, and he was bustling me inside and into the bathroom. He started the tub and gently sat me on the closed toilet. Shoes off, he undressed me with practiced and gentle hands.

Before I knew it, I was standing nude and he had shut off the water. He knelt at my feet and kissed my stomach before looking up at me, his green eyes full of worry. Gently, he guided me into the tub, where I slouched chin deep in the hot bath water.

The shock was beginning to wear off, and I felt the silent tears track down my cheeks and drip into the now warm water.

“Kassi, I’ve never seen you respond like this to a trauma. Baby, we’ve dealt with cases worse than that and you held your shit together. Do you think it’s the baby? Hormones and all? Maybe you need to think about taking some vacation time until the baby is born.” He sounded so worried as he spoke and wiped my tears away with his thumb. It was a hopeless gesture, however, because they ran like rain, stream after stream down my face.

“I don’t have that much time saved, and I’ll need it after he’s born.” My whispered reply ended in a soft sob.

“Fuck.” He ran his hand through his hair, causing it to stand up in crazy directions. “Okay, well, I need to go let Matt know what’s up. Then I need to head back to work. I wish I could stay. Are you gonna be okay in here by yourself?” Absently, I nodded, pulling my gaze from the water to glance up at him with a quivering bottom lip.

The press of his lips on my cheek as he moved to stand pulled me out of my daze. My dripping wet hand shot out of the water and grasped his wrist in a death grip.

“Thank you.” It was all I could manage, but he understood.

“Anytime, baby, anytime. I’ve got you and little man. Okay?” My tearful eyes lifted to where he now crouched by the side of the tub. His concerned expression morphed into his signature smile, and he softly buried his fingers in my hair. Untangling them seconds later, he stood.

“Hunter, can you see if you can find out if he… umm, you know, that trauma patient, can you see if he made it?”

“Yeah, of course. I’ll see what I can do.” He kissed the crown of my head and exited the bathroom, shutting the door with a soft snick of the latch.

Sliding down further, I completely submerged my head, eyes open, looking at the distorted shape of my belly through the rippling water. In that moment, my feisty little man gave a massive kick before somersaulting around inside me. This little pint-sized munchkin was going to be tough like his daddy.

His daddy.

He’s gonna make it. He will be fine. I kept telling myself these things over and over in hopes that my positive thoughts, hopes, and beliefs would actually make it happen.

Sleep eluded me. For hours, I tossed and turned, my mind constantly running circles. Hunter hadn’t called to give me any updates on Erik’s condition. Of course, I feared the worst, but prayed for the best. A ripple through my stomach followed by a foot to my ribs had me adjusting again. It was as if even my little man knew something was terribly wrong. Rubbing my belly in an attempt to soothe my little acrobat, I felt my eyes finally get heavier. Just as sleep crept in, a large hand slid around my abdomen and Hunter’s warm body spooned up behind me.

Desperate for answers, I woke and turned my cumbersome body over to look him in the eye. The room was dark, with just the hint of daybreak slipping around the curtains.

“Hey, I thought you were sleeping. I’m sorry. I tried to be quiet when I came in because I didn’t want to wake you. How are you feeling?” His voice was quiet and tired.

“Honestly, I haven’t slept more than maybe thirty minutes all night. It seems I’m not alone in my need for sleep. You sound exhausted. I’m so sorry I fell apart and left you to deal with the shift on your own.” Our hands met and fingers twined. Asking about Erik was on the tip of my tongue, but I held back.

“No more traumas, and Tabitha came in, so we were okay staff-wise. It was just a steady onslaught of spring sniffles and snuffles. Why the hell people wait until the middle of the night to come in or bring their kids in, I have no damn clue. Fucking idiots, let your kid sleep.” A huff of breath followed his mini rant.

Unable to stand it any longer, I tried to make my question sound normal and basic curiosity. “Did you ever hear anything about the guy from the motorcycle? He was in rough shape.” The words were bitter on my tongue, and I felt nausea churn in me.

“It didn’t look good. Turns out the poor fucker wasn’t wearing a helmet, so he had multiple cranial lacerations and a possible fractured skull on top of a possible broken fibula, some cracked ribs, multiple lacerations, and a fucking gunshot wound that hit an artery. The blood loss wasn’t from the crash like we thought. Some dumbass was probably poaching and shot the guy while he was on his bike, making him wreck. He was in critical condition last I heard. Sucks for him, huh?” Though I knew he didn’t mean to sound so callous, the words sliced me open. The pain in my chest made it hard to breathe.

In fact, the pain doubled me over. Suddenly, the pain shot through my back to my belly like I had been skewered. My agonized scream preceded the rush of warmth between my legs.

Something was wrong. My mind knew it, but the pain was excruciating, and I couldn’t make sense of it. I barely registered Hunter’s worried shouts.

“Kassi! Jesus, Kassi, fuck!” He had pulled the covers back, but I couldn’t leave the fetal position I curled into. It hurt so damn bad.

Vaguely, I heard him rattling off my address.

“Yes… I don’t know… Possible placental abruption? … Approximately thirty-two weeks… Possible preeclampsia… God, please hurry.” His words faded in and out.

“My baby!” It took a moment to realize the bloodcurdling scream had been me. Sobs mingled with sharp, vicious pain and shortness of breath. “God, please no, please no!” If I lost both Erik and my baby, I would die. Even though I didn’t have Erik, he had my heart. I was a fool for pretending otherwise. Now, it was too late for us and maybe too late for his son.

The next thing I knew, someone was asking my name and if I could tell them what had happened. Words were more than I could manage. Hunter held tight to my hand as the EMTs carefully loaded me on the stretcher. My vision was blurry, and everything seemed to move so fast. My screaming must have woken Matt, because he touched my face and told me he was following in the car and he would be there for me.

Poor Hunter must have nearly lost his hand, I was squeezing it so tight. I’m not sure if I blacked out or if I just lost track of time, because one minute they were bumping me up into the ambulance and the next I was in a bed in what I assumed was Labor and Delivery. They had the monitors hooked up, and there were nurses, doctors, and respiratory staff quietly rushing around the room. Everyone seemed so calm compared to the panic in my head.

“My baby!” No less than eight heads turned my way. With everyone being so calm, I thought we were too late. Just when the frantic terror started to seep through the cracks of my fragile sanity, there was a massive shift and ripple in my belly.

Shaking like a crashing diabetic, my hands gently spanned the mound that was my world. The relief at feeling him move was indescribable. My eyes searched for Hunter in the organized chaos. He had been talking to Dr. Porter over by the door but was moving quickly toward me after he heard my shout.

“Shh, Kassi, it’s okay. You have a partial placental abruption. Everything seems stabilized and the baby looks good. Dr. Porter wants to keep you for a couple of days just to be sure everything stays manageable, especially with the concern for preeclampsia on top of this. Your BP has been elevated since the ambulance ride over. She said she’ll be back in a few minutes to talk to you. The best thing you can do is relax.” Deep down, I knew he had just given me a rehearsed nurse-to-patient spiel. Something wasn’t quite right, and I could see it in his eyes.

“What else?” The question came out as a harsh demand, and I instantly felt bad for being shitty with him.

His head dropped slightly, and I knew I was right.

“What. Else?”

“Shit. Dr. Porter could explain this better if you could just wait.” His green eyes pled with me to wait, but I wasn’t going to. Nope. Not happening. This was my baby and I wanted to know what we were up against. I wasn’t stupid. Since taking the job in the ED, I’d already had two patients with placental abruptions come through. One little baby boy made it; the little girl wasn’t so lucky.

My stomach chose that moment to tighten in a painfully sharp vice.

“Dammit! Oh my God!” Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the nurse look at the fetal heart monitor strip, look at Hunter, then whisper to another nurse who looked at the strip, then me, then Hunter before rushing out the door. Oh, she tried to make it look casual, but I knew those tricks.

The pain slowly subsided as the first nurse stepped to the foot of the bed and began transforming the bed as she explained she was just going to check me. Check me, my ass.

It seemed the tightness was returning. It was damn close to the last one. My body broke out in a cold sweat, and in no time, my hair stuck to the sides of my face and neck. Jesus, that hurt! Panting breaths were all I could manage.

“Fuck, this hurts!” After my outburst, my teeth gritted, and I screamed through my clenched jaw. The nurse, who had been quietly checking my hooha under the blanket, looked up at me from between my knees. She was so short, I could barely see her over my protruding belly. What I did notice was she had on the prettiest lemon-yellow scrub top.

“Ms. Donahue, when your next contraction starts, I want you to bear down and push.” Say what?

“No! It’s too early! He has to stay in longer! Wait and are you a doctor?” My hands gripped the side rails as my head came up from the bed. Hunter held a cool rag to my forehead, and I shook him away. A primitive growl escaped my throat as the next contraction rushed over me. By this time my head was pounding, and I knew it was partially due to my elevated blood pressure.

“Okay! Push, push, push!” Knowing I looked like shit, but not give a single fuck, I continued to growl as my body developed a mind of its own. They don’t tell you any of this in nursing school, nor pregnancy and birthing classes, but I was pretty sure I knew what possession felt like in that moment.

Pushing like my and my baby’s very lives depended on it, which they might, I felt a rush between my legs, and the nurse looked shocked as amniotic fluid covered that lemon-yellow top but for only a split second before she went right back to coaching. My brain was all out of whack, but I remembered thinking, at some later date, I may laugh about how funny she looked soaked in amniotic fluid mixed with blood. However, it wasn’t until that later moment that I realized I should have been worried when she had me pushing, 1) without the doctor present, and 2) without properly gowning up.

What did register at the time was that there was way more blood than I felt there should have been in that “gush.”

“What the hell is going on? Hunter! What is going on? I’m a fucking nurse! I’m not stupid! Tell me!” My screams were torn from my body. Thankfully, before he could issue more empty platitudes, Dr. Porter came in. Always calm in the face of wild tigers, aka pregnant moms, she pulled up a rolling stool and sat between my legs, which were bared by then. Great, now my hooha was out there for God and everyone to see.

Fucking hell, why is the room wobbly?

“Hey, Kassi. You just couldn’t wait for this little guy to be here, could you?” Distorted visions of my OB doctor were coming in and out of focus.

“Doc?” My enormous abdomen chose that moment to tense up into the most painful squeezing pressure I had ever experienced in my life, and I felt like there was a watermelon trying to squeeze through my pelvic floor. Like a concrete watermelon. With no give. What. So. Ever.

“Fuuuuuuuuuckkkk!” The expletive ground out of my clenched jaw.

“Okay, Kassi, listen to me. His head is right here. I think we can get him safely here without jumping the gun and rushing for a cesarean, but you need to work with me. You need to push, Momma. Are you following me?” The words were slightly muffled, and I was so damn tired. Despite that, I felt my head nod an affirmative answer. “Okay, good. Push! There you go! Push! Push! Push! Push!”

“Stop yelling at me!” this crazed beast inside me shrieked at the doctor. But hell if I didn’t push, push, push, push, just like she told me to. Exhaustion was creeping in, but the pain was awful. Biting my tongue not to scream Erik’s name, I tasted the metallic tang of blood.

“There you go! His head is out!” There were softly spoken words next. Suction… warmer… ready… CareFlight… NICU standby… They all ran together. The mush in my head tried to sort through the words to get them to make sense, but it was a losing battle.

Lips pressed to my temple. Hunter? No…

“Erik?” For a moment, he was there. Turquoise eyes beaming with love and pride for our son.

“Kassi! Come on! Pay attention! Push, Momma! Now!” In a way, time stood still; in another, it seemed to be moving at light speed. Suddenly, a tiny little naked being was laying on my chest. He was so little, and he didn’t look like he was breathing. Suddenly he was gone. A flash of him in a plastic box. Nurses nearly running behind him as he shot out the door.

“No. Don’t take him. Please? God. No. Please.” My shout slipped out in a mere whisper. It was impossible to reach for him, like I was trying to tell my arms to move but they weren’t getting the message. So damn tired.

My head lolled to the side, the effort to hold it upright suddenly just too much.

“Kassi! Baby!” Hunter was so damn far away. Why?

What the hell was happening? No answers were forthcoming from anyone around me. Hunter was pushed back against the wall as the room filled with so many nurses. Why didn’t we get this many nurses on shift at once down in the ED? That wasn’t fair…. Then, I could’ve sworn Erik was in the room. Erik, we had a baby boy. I named him after you. I love you….

“Prayers for the Damned” – Sixx:A.M.

KASSI’S BEAUTIFUL SMILE LIT up the room. Her fingers slid along my shoulder, up my neck, and into my hair before our lips melded. Pulling her close, we rolled until I was half over her, our legs entwined, our hearts beating as one. Fuck, I didn’t know how I was lucky enough to have her, but I wasn’t squandering this moment for anything.

“Don’t leave me again.” Her words were whispered in my ear as my lips and teeth found her neck.

“Never. Never again.” My promise was made. Sacred. True.

As our clothes melted away, I felt the heat of her skin against mine. It was as if every surface of our skin touched and burned with licking flames of desire. She surrounded me, and me her.

When I slid home into her wet, welcome heat, I felt whole for the first time in years. It was even better than the other times with her. This beautiful gift of a woman was my savior, and I was a fool not to see it before. It was as if she had been sent to me to grant me the absolution I needed but didn’t deserve. Could I take it? Accept the forgiveness that was almost within my reach?

Her sigh mixed with my quick inhalation. As the pleasure climbed to heights we had yet to experience, her heavy-lidded eyes saw into my soul and her full lips curled into a smile I would give anything to see every single day.

Like I was crazed, I drove into her. Faster, frantic, grasping for the ecstasy only she could deliver.

When my heart felt so full it was stretching at the seams she had stitched so lovingly, and my body felt on the verge of implosion, she rested her hands on my cheeks to frame my face… a featherlight touch like butterfly wings. Time stopped, and we were alone in the universe.

“Erik, we had a baby boy. I named him after you. I love you….”

My body jolted awake, and I started to pull at the wires tethering me down. Scorching-hot pain shot down my arm and through my chest cavity. The dream being ripped from me hurt nearly as bad, and I wasn’t sure which caused my tortured scream.

My body was on fire, but not in a good way. Every movement was pure agony. Even breathing hurt. Alarms and beeping filled my ears as a nurse rushed in to silence the screeching tones. She checked the wires coming from my gown as well as the tubes that seemed to be everywhere.

“Mr. Jaeger! It’s so good to see you awake!” Her cheerful voice was nails on a chalkboard to my raw nerves. How the fuck could every single cell of your body hurt that fucking bad? Not even after getting shot in Afghanistan did I hurt so much.

“Fucking-A, woman, do you have to be so loud?” What I meant to come out as a sharp rebuke, was a scratchy, hoarse whimper. It was truly pathetic.

“Shhh, you were just extubated today. Your throat probably feels a little dry and raw. Let me go get you some ice chips and tell the doctor you’re awake.” No shit, it felt dry and raw. I felt like someone had used a sandblaster down my damn throat.

Voices registered from somewhere outside my room. “Give me my fucking coffee.”

“Hang on, dickweed. Let me get in and set everything down.”

“You can’t go in. That nurse made me get out when all his alarms started going off. She rushed out again, but told me to wait out here. She wouldn’t tell me if he’s okay or what. I heard him scream, man. I’m dying here. I called Snow, and I texted you. Fuck, I feel sick.”

“Well, fuck that. I’m not standing out here.” The footsteps got louder as they got closer to my door. The voices carried down the hall, and it wasn’t long before the faces of Joker and Hollywood came through my doorway. Worry etched lines around their mouths until they saw me sitting up in bed watching them.

“Jesus fucking Christ. You scared the shit out of us, bro,” Hollywood, my ever-poetic friend grumbled.

“Goddammit, Hacker. Don’t ever do that shit again. That’s twice I’ve had to save your ass after you got shot.” And there was Joker… my little shithead friend, standing with two cups of Starbucks in a holder and a bag of something that had my stomach growling in desperate hunger. Unfortunately, he was right. He had been there to save my ass both times.

“Like I did this on purpose?” my voice rasped out.

“Shit, you sound like hell, and you look even worse.” Joker could always be counted on to make you feel loved. No lie, it was good to see them both, no matter how much I felt like a bag of smashed assholes.

The nurse bustled back in the room with the doctor in tow. “I told you to wait outside, young man.” She shot a pointed look at Hollywood, and her loud voice rang out causing me to cringe, in turn causing me to groan with the movement. “Now see? You’re upsetting him.” Was this woman for real? What kind of nurse couldn’t tell that I was hurting, not upset by my fucking brothers being in here? Even rolling my eyes hurt.

The doctor, an older man in greenish scrubs with the signature white doctor’s coat, approached my bedside. “Well, Mr. Jaeger, it’s good to see you awake and alert. I’m Dr. Simpson, the doctor on duty today. You took quite a spill on that motorcycle of yours, and we weren’t sure you were going to live to tell the tale. Do you want your friends to step out while I do my exam?” Shaking my head no nearly had my head exploding. He shined a light in my eyes, poked and prodded, which almost earned him a punch to the face, then had me doing all kinds of crazy-ass shit that made my unused and battered muscles scream. By the time he was done, I was almost in tears and I wanted to puke from the pain, but I would die before I let Joker and Hollywood see that.

“You were a very lucky young man, Mr. Jaeger.” I sure didn’t fucking feel like it. “The swelling in your brain had us very concerned, as did the arterial bleed from the gunshot to your brachial artery. I sure hope they catch those poachers and you press charges.” Huh? “All in all, you were incredibly lucky for someone who took a tumble down the road at about sixty miles per hour without a helmet, and after catching a stray bullet.” Stray bullet? My eyes sought Joker’s for affirmation.

Joker looked to Hollywood, who gave a nearly imperceptible shake of the head, then back to me before his lips pressed together and his mouth flattened. He shook his head at me and held his pointer finger over his mouth in a shhhh motion. My eyes narrowed at him, but I didn’t say anything to the doctor.

“From what I understand, you have your friend here to thank for his quick thinking, or you probably wouldn’t have even been here to have this conversation. He’s a real hero.” A muscle clenched and ticked in Joker’s jaw. He hated being called a hero. He didn’t feel like he was a hero. None of us ever did. It was evident he was thinking about the same thing as I was—of another time I had him to thank for his quick actions. Neither of us really wanted to think of that day. Ever. It hurt too much. Opened too many wounds. Made us feel weak.

There was a look on Hollywood’s face that told me he noticed our expressions. He didn’t know much about my time in the Marines Corps. Sure, he knew I had served and that I had worked with Marine Force Recon doing surveillance and security, but neither Joker nor I had ever discussed our experiences. We’d only shared general military memories and good-natured ribbing between the branches we had represented. Neither of us wanted to talk about specific missions. Some we couldn’t, even if we wanted to.

“So, how long before I can get out of here?” Hospitals gave me hives. The sooner I could get out of there, the better. So what if I felt like a freaking Mack truck had run over me… then stopped and reversed over me. It was making me feel claustrophobic being in this room, shackled to this bed by wires and tubes.

“Mr. Jaeger, you had a very close call. I’m not sure if you understand the seriousness of your condition. We kept you sedated for four days to give your brain a rest so it could heal. You were given two pints of blood, and you nearly lost your left arm. You’ve had vascular reconstruction, and there was some nerve damage. While we hope it will be temporary—”

“Wait. What? So, am I still going to be able to ride?” Panic begin to set in at the thought of never feeling the wind rush by as the asphalt rolled under my two wheels.

“Well, that will depend on how diligent you are with your physical therapy and how your body heals. I would like to keep you here in ICU until tomorrow morning to monitor you. You’re not quite out of the woods with your head injury, nor your arm. If there are no deteriorations, then tomorrow morning I’ll have you transferred to the step-down unit where we’ll start physical therapy coming by, and then as long as there are no further complications, you can be discharged. So, three days minimum. If there are no complications. Okay?” The doctor was waiting for my answer. That wasn’t really what I wanted to hear, but it was better than him saying I had to stay another week. I just knew, by the time I was cut loose, I would be climbing the goddamn walls. Not to mention, the work I would be behind on.

“Fine.” My eyes closed as I rested my head to the side on my pillow and let out a frustrated breath. It was starting to pound, and my arm burned and throbbed.

“If you don’t have any other questions, Jodie, your nurse, will go over your PCA—your pain pump—we’ll be setting up. It’ll give you a little control over your pain management. Things will probably get worse before they get better in that department, I’m sorry to say.” I’m sure he thought he was being heartfelt, and maybe he was, but it didn’t make me feel any better.

“Sure. Whatever.”

The really loud nurse came back to my bedside and explained about this fucking pain pump that I could push a button and give myself a boost of morphine. She explained how it wouldn’t allow me to overdose but would give me some autonomy. Too bad. My life was so fucking sucky right now, I would have gladly succumbed to an opiate-induced haze that I never woke up from. If I couldn’t ride my bike, I couldn’t be in the club. They would medically “retire” me, which was just a nice way of saying I wasn’t any good to them. Just like the Marine Corps did.

The founders had wanted to ensure the club stayed a motorcycle club and not a car club, so they wrote into the bylaws that you had to be physically capable of riding. The bylaws had stayed that way because everyone had agreed with that up to this point. So, unless I could ride, or the club voted I could stay, I was done if I didn’t regain function of my arm.

After she left and closed my door, Hollywood spoke up.

“Don’t worry about your arm, bro. We know you’re too damn stubborn to not regain use of it.” He cleared his throat. “So, I’m sure you caught that we know it wasn’t poachers, but we can’t let the hospital or the cops know the truth or they’ll stick their noses in our damn business. I’m also sure you know who we think it was. Now, tell me… what were those looks for? I’m not stupid, and I know Joker didn’t like being called your hero. I get the basic inference, but there was more.” My mouth stayed sealed as I stared blankly at him through heavy-lidded eyes. It must have been the pain meds kicking in that loosened my tongue.

“I should have died years ago. But this motherfucker,” I pointed toward Joker with my good—no, better—arm, “he saved me. He saved me when he should have let me die.”

“!Chingados! Goddamn it, Hacker, don’t. Don’t you fucking say that! You were my brother then, as much as you are now. I wasn’t going to let you lay there and bleed to death. Either time. Fuck that. And fuck you if you think I should have.” Frustration laced his words, and self-loathing crashed over me in waves. He’d gotten shot because of me. Because he’d been helping me and not paying attention when hell was raining down upon us from every direction.

“Someone want to tell me what the fuck y’all are talking about?”

At the sound of Reaper’s voice in the doorway, I muttered to myself, “Jesus fucking Christ.”

My loud-ass nurse entered the room hot on Reaper’s heels. Maybe she was actually going deaf and didn’t realize how loud she was. Whatever her excuse, I couldn’t wait to either be transferred out of here or for her to cart her big mouth home. “Excuse me! But there is a two-visitor maximum in ICU.” Reaper crossed his arms over his chest, turned to her, and gave her his best get-the-fuck-out stare.

“Well, one of you is going to have to leave.” Her voice was actually a little quieter as she turned on her heels and rushed out of the room.

“Thanks. She was annoying as shit.” My voice remained raspy but was laden with relief.

“Joker?” Reaper focused his attention on first Joker, then me. “Hacker? One of you want to tell me what y’all were talking about when I walked in?” Fucker still had that damn Tennessee accent that he never seemed to be able to shake. Almost made me smile.

Joker palmed his forehead before sliding it down his face. The look he gave me spoke volumes, and part of it was an apology for sharing a moment that we both wished we could forget. Shrugging my indifferent permission, I remained silent.

“It was Hacker’s last tour in Afghanistan. We’d been working a hostage situation. The Taliban were holding a bunch of kids hostage at a school. Several of their parents were informants and interpreters for US troops, and they were trying to use the kids as bargaining chips to get them to turn themselves in. Of course, they would be killed, but if they didn’t, the assholes were threatening to kill the children one at a time. It was supposed to be easy.” His expression turned bleak as my stomach churned and my heart began to race. He didn’t look at me, just stared sightlessly out the window.

“As you can probably guess, it didn’t go easy at all. We had followed intel that was supposed to get us into the building undetected to rescue them. We got all the way down the back road and through the back alley, with the school in sight. That’s when all hell broke loose. The school had been rigged with explosives. We tried. Fuck, we tried. There were kids screaming. Hacker ran in with a few of our guys. The rest of us were covering their exit. They were carrying them out when gunfire came in from every direction. We didn’t even know where to shoot back because the shots came from everywhere. Hacker and two of the others went down. I was closest to Hacker, so I made my way over to him. The kid… Goddamn… there was so much blood, I didn’t know if it was his or Hacker’s.” He took a shaky breath. Listening to him tell it made it run through my mind in technicolor. It was like being there all over again. I looked at my hands and saw they were covered in blood. Telling myself over and over it wasn’t real didn’t work.

The memories were sucking me in. Blinding me. Cutting out all sound except the shrieks of dying children as I felt my life drain from me. That night, I had been shot in the leg, hitting my femoral artery. Fuck… just how many times could a man get shot in an artery and live? I mean, yeah, it was different arteries, but when you saw people in movies who had severed arteries, they bled out and died. Why were the powers that be allowing me to live? How was it that Joker was the one to save me both times? Wasn’t I meant to die even one of those times? These were all questions I would probably never have answers to.

My heart didn’t want to be here anymore. If I had slipped into oblivion, as my lifeblood seeped from my body, I could’ve maybe seen my little angel. Could’ve gotten away from all my fuck-ups.

“Fuck… Hacker! Look at me. Come on, brother, look at me.” Rapidly blinking and inhaling deeply, my gaze began to focus on Reaper as he spoke low and calming words. “We’re here, man. You’re here.” My heart beat a rapid tattoo so hard I felt it banging on my rib cage.

Hollywood stepped closer to my hospital bed. “This is what you’ve been dealing with? Why haven’t you ever said anything? You know we get it. We’ve been there.”

Eyes closed, heavy with the effects of the morphine, I muttered, “Kayde… Joker… got shot because he was trying to save me. Even shot through the leg himself, he didn’t let up pressure on my wound.” I hated that my words were weak. “He could have died, and for what? The kid died. In my arms. There was so much goddamn blood…. They all died. We weren’t fast enough. We weren’t good enough…. I’ve never been good enough.” The last was said so quietly, the guys didn’t catch it. Except for Joker. His face was a mix of anger and sorrow. I fucking hated him feeling sorry for me. Sometimes I hated that I’d broken down and told him my truths that dark, lonely night in Afghanistan.

Hollywood spoke frustrated, harsh words meant to make me listen. “What would he have died for? What we all would die for, Hacker. The greater good. And brotherhood. There is no greater love than to give up your life for your friends… or brothers. There isn’t a one of us in this room, or in the club, that wouldn’t lay down his life if it mean we would save our brothers. Some may say that carries over from our military service. Some may say it’s just inherent in us. What drew us all together. Whatever the reason, we’re all here for each other and our families.”

They all stood around me, looking solemn. Reaper, Hollywood, and Joker. My friends. My brothers. “I really fucking love you guys.” Not that I was certain, but my words might have begun to slur. Random thoughts swirled in my head.

Kassi. So beautiful. Even pregnant.

Pregnant.

Wait. Was that a real memory or the fucking drugs?

My eyes were starting to feel so heavy. “Check on Kassi. She’s pregnant with that fucker’s kid. I saw her. Fucking hate that. Well, not that I saw her. I mean… fuck, I don’t know what I mean. You see her?” By that time, I wasn’t sure if my words were clear or even made sense.

Digging myself from the blackness that was clawing at me, I struggled to keep my eyes open. “Bring me my laptop too. Hey, where’s my cut?”

Muffled words. Something about getting a new one. Hell no. No new cuts. Want my old one. So fucking tired….

“Through Glass”—Stone Sour

DAMN, I WAS GETTING tired of being in ICU. It had already been three full days, today being the fourth, since they shipped me to Sioux Falls after I hemorrhaged from the abruption and nearly lost Sebastian. Hunter had filled me in on the seven transfusions I had received before my brain reconnected with my body. Evidently, I had bled out a lot. They couldn’t get it to stop. The thought made me shiver at the possibility that my baby Baz could have been like me, without either of his parents.

Since coming to, the day after he was born, I had been able to go down to see him twice. The first two days, they wouldn’t let me out of bed. By the third day, they allowed me to transfer to a wheelchair to go to NICU where I would sit outside the plastic incubator box and watch my tiny son lie there, feeding tube down his nose, IV lines running, monitoring wires a stark contrast to his almost translucent skin, tiny little chest moving with exaggerated movements each time he inhaled or exhaled.

Today, I was supposed to be able to hold him, actually place him on my chest where I would be able to feel his soft, warm skin against mine. Kangaroo care, they called it. He had been eating the minuscule amount of milk I had been able to pump, so I knew he was at least getting the colostrum that held the nutrients and antibodies from me that he would have gotten had he been born full-term and I had breastfed him. Okay, so not eating, per se, but being fed through the tube. Worry plagued me that he wouldn’t know how to latch on or that our bond would be tarnished by this separation.

He was only three pounds, fifteen ounces when he was born. A small chihuahua weighed more than him. As expected, he had lost weight, but was still doing well, all things considered. The staff had told me he would have to be over four pounds, able to maintain his temperature, and hopefully eating on his own, not from a tube, before he could go home. In other words, we had a long road ahead of us.

To top off the adversities he had overcome, he had his umbilical cord around his neck during birth. Had I been more coherent, I would have known the concern the nurses were exhibiting over the strips was my itty-bitty son experiencing prolonged late decels. Late decelerations of the baby’s heart rate during a contraction could signify compression of the umbilical cord, or other reasons that cause decreasing oxygen to the baby. Decelerations could be normal, but it depended on when they occurred, how long they lasted and if they then accelerated appropriately afterward.

Yeah, sometimes being a nurse paid off, but then again, sometimes that knowledge just led to more worry.

Anyway, there had been some concern over the effect that may have had on his brain. Though I didn’t consider myself a religious person, I certainly hadn’t had a shortage of prayers for little Sebastian’s continued positive progress.

Kylie, my nurse today, had just helped me get settled in my chariot, aka my crappy-ass hospital wheelchair. She was hanging my IV fluids from the hook she raised at the back. A warm blanket had been tucked around my legs, and I was impatiently waiting for her to get all of my monitors paused and everything temporarily disconnected before we left the room. Movement outside my room had me looking up.

My heart leapt in my throat as I recognized the leather vests with the patch of Hades on the back. The whimper, which snuck unbidden from my very core, occurred at the same time as a set of gray-blue eyes looked up from the floor where the three men stood talking in low tones.

Joker. His eyes widened the moment recognition set in.

If he was here, did that mean Erik was still here? In ICU?

“Joker!” I shouted in surprise. The poor nurse behind me must have thought I was losing my marbles because she stepped around to the front of my chair, blocking the men from view as she checked to see if I was okay.

“Ms. Donahue? Is everything okay?” Kylie had bent over to look me in the eye. I knew she was checking my pupils and my cognition as she spoke and assessed me. Once she had assured herself of my lucidity, she glanced over her shoulder, following my gaze out the doorway.

Her eyes widened in surprise and, if I read her correctly, more than a little fear at seeing a group of bikers out in the hall of her floor. It made me want to laugh at the obvious misconceptions she must have running through her head. “Do you know them?” she whispered in awe.

“Yeah….” My absent reply stretched out as the man I had first recognized knocked on my doorframe. His stormy-gray eyes left me briefly to check out my nurse’s ass, and I had to laugh. He unabashedly shrugged his shoulders as a grin spread across his face.

“Hey, beautiful. I didn’t know you were here. Everything okay with you?” He glanced with worry at my belly, then again at Kylie. He seemed to be gauging what he could say in front of her. Besides, no one wants to ask someone why they were in the ICU, but it wasn’t like it was a secret that I was pregnant. Embarrassment flooded me at the thought of all the guys knowing Erik hadn’t wanted us, though.

“Umm, well, as good as can be expected. Sebastian was premature, and he had… we had complications. But…” My words stuck in my throat. “Erik? Is he…?” No matter how hard I tried, the words wouldn’t come. The guys hadn’t looked jovial as they stood huddled in the hall. The thought that he was here so close and not doing well had my heart hammering in my chest.

“Shit, he was right,” he muttered. “Hacker’s okay, babe. He was beat up pretty bad, but he’s finally awake. Well, he was. They set him up with some pain meds, and now he’s out like a light again. Damn, that’s crazy that you guys are next door to each other. Small world. You sure you’re okay? You’re looking awful pale.” Concern etched his features.

“Yeah. I’m, uh, going to see Sebastian in NICU. This is Kylie, my nurse, she’s taking me down, but I can only be there for an hour today. Will you still be here?” God, I desperately wanted information on how Erik was doing, and I knew the nurses couldn’t tell me.

“We were actually taking off since Hacker is zonked, but I can come back. How about if I give you an hour and a half so you have time to make it back here and get settled before I come in to bother you?” He came closer and crouched in front of my wheelchair.

“Okay.” Eyes fighting tears, my voice shook a little, and it made me feel like a weakling. The back of my mind kept circling with the news that Erik was just next door to me. We had been breathing the same air, just feet from each other, for days and had no idea. Now that I knew, my skin tingled as if it had sent out a blast to locate him and the ripples of his energy had returned to caress the surface of my skin. Whispers of sensation. Feeling his frequency melding with mine. How I wished he wanted me the way I wanted him.

“Damn, Kassi, I fucking hate hospitals and I’ve been here every day since Hacker was admitted. But I’ll come back… just for you. And that stubborn asshole next door.” His smirk made me smile as much as his words. He had been so kind to me when I worked at the Shamrock and on that awful, fateful, gut-wrenching day at the clubhouse. It didn’t hurt that he sure was pretty to look at. Maybe not as beautiful as Erik, but I was hella biased.

His index finger reached out and gently tapped the end of my nose as he stood. “Be back later, kid.” He sauntered out the door and returned to Hollywood and Reaper. They all glanced quickly in my room, Reaper giving a head nod and Hollywood sending me that beautiful smile of his. Joker tossed me a wave, and they headed toward the exit.

What had I said before? Six degrees of separation? Damn, it was a small world.

“You ready, Ms. Donahue? That precious baby boy is waiting on his momma.” Pulling my bottom lip between my teeth, I absently nodded. Visions of my baby in my arms and against my chest were making my hands jittery in anticipation.

You never realized how uneven the floors are in a hospital until you were riding down the halls in a wheelchair. As we bumped along out my door and took a left, it was impossible not to let my eyes travel in the room next to me. A shaky, rapid inhalation was all I could manage as I saw his magnificent form covered in hospital linens, tubes, and wires. He was bandaged all up his arms, and I was afraid to see the damage he suffered. Normally a large, imposing man, he appeared so broken and fragile in that bed. Before I could take another breath, we had passed his room and were moving down the hall.

The next thing I knew, we were scrubbing for our full three minutes and Kylie pushed me in through the locked doors after the NICU nurses buzzed us in. My mind must have really spaced out on the way to the NICU. Amanda, the nurse caring for Sebastian today, took over as Kylie waved to me. “I’ll be back in an hour. If you need anything, have Amanda call me, okay?” My vision was filled with my tiny boy, but I nodded to Kylie.

“Yeah, okay, sure.”

My fingers itched to reach for him, but I knew the nurses had to settle him with me. They didn’t want me getting out of the chair or stretching, because they were still concerned I may start bleeding again. I had to fight to be able to come down to see him since I was still in ICU, as it was. Also, since he was a patient in the NICU, his nurses were responsible for him, so this first time, I had to wait for Amanda to get him. It sucked. Sitting in a wheelchair wasn’t the most comfortable seat in the world, even with the folded-up blanket under my ass with a chux pad over it, just in case.

It was so difficult to remain passive and patient. My eyes devoured every movement Amanda made as she prepared my itty-bitty boy for my arms. “He’s done really well this morning. He kept down every bit of milk you pumped.” With an encouraging smile, she instructed me to slip my gown down, and then she settled his small body against my chest before she covered him with a soft flannel blanket.

If I had to pick the single most amazing moment of my life, graduating nursing school, holding my baby brother for the first time, my first kiss, even the first time I was with Erik, all paled compared to that moment when his warm, silky soft skin snuggled up against mine. His soft grunts and mewls as he acclimated to my shape were heavenly music to my ears. His wiggling movements were strange but so very sweet now that they were on the outside of me, compared to when he was rolling around inside. God, his scent… straight from angel’s wings.

The love that engulfed me was so overwhelming, tears sprung to my eyes. For a millisecond, I could have sworn I smelled my mother’s perfume, and the warmth that surrounded me left me breathless. “Isn’t he beautiful, Mom?” I whispered to the air around me. Maybe I imagined feeling my mother’s kiss on my cheek, or maybe she really found a way, but in that moment, I knew she had been with me. That she was proud of me and would always be there to watch over my little man when I needed her to.

Tears streamed down my cheeks as I just breathed in the love that was my son. “Daddy wouldn’t be able to resist you if he could see you. I just know it.” My whispered words floated across his downy tuft of hair, and his lips curled into a little smile. The resemblance to his daddy was shocking, as a tiny dimple flashed on his cheek. He was purely irresistible, and my finger touched the tiny dimple before it trailed up along the curve of his cheek, then along his jaw.

“Here, he lost his hat when I moved him.” The little baby-beanie Amanda slipped on him seemed to dwarf his head. “To help him hold in body heat while he’s outside of the warmer. Even though he’s against your body heat, we want to give him every leg up we can.” Her soft-spoken words, along with the gentle care she showed him, told me she loved her job and allowed no room for my worry over the care he received on her shift.

She stayed with me for a few more minutes, offering guidance and education just as she had yesterday when I could only see and touch him in his warmer. My mind absorbed her words like a sponge, my need to be the best mom I could to him, tucking away each tidbit.

Time sped by, and too soon, Kylie was walking through the doors to take me away. Leaning down, I pressed my lips to his head and my finger brushed over his delicate fingers. In a move that made me gasp, his fingers curled around the tip of mine and held tight. “Aww, look at that, Mommy. He’s trying to keep you here longer. Don’t worry, little man, she’ll be back again later.” Both nurses laughed softly as they watched my smile grow. In just a few short days, this pint-sized, precious baby boy had captured my heart. How it was possible to be so absolutely and positively in love with this little bundle in such a short time was a miracle of nature, and words could not describe it.

Back to the ICU we went. God willing, I would be out of there soon. More than anything—okay, that’s not true—more than a lot of things, I wanted a damn shower. Sponge baths didn’t even come close to being the same as a real bath or shower. Being a patient had given me an all new respect for caring for patients.

As we rolled past Erik’s room, I saw he was still sleeping peacefully. Which was good. His body needed rest if it was to heal properly.

Of course, that didn’t stop me from wanting to ask Kylie to stop. But I didn’t.

Sighing internally, my thoughts returned to how yucky I felt. Yes, being here as a patient definitely made me want to be a better nurse. Not that my nurses weren’t great, because they were. It just made me realize that we could maybe prepare the patients and their families better.

Speaking of families, as Kylie helped me back to bed after using the bathroom, I saw my cell phone lighting up. There was text message after text message from my little brother. He was home alone while I was here. Granted, Hunter stopped by and took him out for dinner the first night and checked on him. And yes, he was just shy of turning eighteen, but he was still my baby brother.

Matt: Hey sis! Just wanted to tell u I miss u and luv u! Give my new nephew luv

Matt: Thinking of coming to see you 2morrow after I get off work

Matt: Work breakfast shift 2morrow

Matt: Let me know if that’s ok. Miss you and want to see the small fry

My mouth curled into an affectionate smile as I typed out a reply.

Me: Luv you too! If you don’t think the drive is too much for you I’d luv to see you! And your nephew would too

Matt: Perfect. C u 2morrow! Luv u

Me: Luv u 2 the moon n back!

Matt: Same <3

“Well, that is a beautiful smile if I’ve ever seen one. You light up a room, Kass.” My eyes lifted to the deep voice rumbling from my doorway. Joker leaned against the frame with one of his hands tucked in the pocket of his cut.

He had always been kind to me. I was pretty sure it had something to do with his intuitive nature and knowing I was crazy about Hacker. Part of me was sure he felt sorry for me for being a fool for having feelings for someone who would never return them. Either way, he had been good to his word and returned to see me. “Come in!” Because I was so far from home, not many people had come to see me. The only visitors I had were Nancy, God love her, and of course Hunter on the days he was off. He had wanted to stay here with me, but I insisted he go back to work. I would have felt like shit if he ended up with financial difficulties because of me. He was disgruntled, to say the least, that I told him I wanted him to go back to work.

Waving Joker to sit in the reclining chair in my room, I sat up further in my bed. “Thank you for coming back.” That was when I noticed he had his other hand behind his back. He pulled it around front as he stood in the doorway of the room. The full bouquet of blue flowers in a little blue bootie vase was adorable.

“They said you can’t have it in here, but I could show it to you and it has to stay at the nurses’ station. Sorry. I didn’t know.” He looked so contrite my heart went out to him, and I couldn’t help but smile at him again.

“It’s the thought that counts. Thank you so much!” He walked back out to the nurses’ station to set it on the counter but plucked the card from the little plastic pitchfork they used in flower bouquets.

He handed the card to me and sat down in the chair next to me. As he got comfortable, I read the little blue card.

Congratulations on your new baby boy.

All our best,

The Demented Sons MC

Tears gathered in my eyes. I had been afraid they all hated me for quitting so suddenly. Not to mention, the mess between me and Erik.

“Aww, thank you. That was so nice of everyone to do that, but since I know you’re not all here, thank you for thinking of it.” Brushing away my tears, I propped it on the table that extended over my bed.

“It was actually Snow who told me to get it for you from all of us. But if it gets me brownie points, I’ll take credit.” His mischievous grin was endearing. My mind ran through people I could set him up with, not that he would probably appreciate that. Just the thought of it made me giggle.

“Now what’s so funny?”

Getting my laughter under control, I told him, “Nothing, I was just thinking of who I could set your pretty self up with.” His expression transformed to one of comical horror.

“Good God in heaven, don’t you fucking dare!” Seeing a big tough guy like him recoil in mock terror at being set up on a blind date was hilarious, and I couldn’t contain the laughter that bubbled forth from his actions.

“Ohhh, sure. Laugh it up. Chuckle. Chuckle. How about I set you up instead?” Not that he meant to, but his joking words sobered me in a heartbeat. My quick inhalation had his jovial expression morphing to a serious one. “Hey, babe. I was just teasing you. I know you have an old man already. Can’t say I like it or agree with it, but I get where you’re coming from. Hacker is a dumb fucker.”

The blood rushed to my face at the mention of his name. Joker cleared his throat. “Um, so y’all’s baby was early? Everything okay with him? How’s Daddy handling it?” His words confused me, and I drew my head back in question. What the hell was he talking about?

“Uh, maybe you should ask him when he comes out of his pain-med-induced coma.” God help me, I tried not to have my words sound petty and nasty, but it was hard. Lord, was it hard. Pretty sure I wasn’t successful either.

“The fuck? What in the hell are you talking about?” The honest surprise on his face was strange. This was getting weirder and weirder.

“Erik didn’t—” He interrupted me before I could get the rest of my sentence out.

“Babe, please tell me that you aren’t saying that baby you just had is Hacker’s.” His eyes were wide and full of shock. Well, shit. Maybe he didn’t tell anyone after all. Great.

“Look, I don’t want anything from him. I swear. I’m sorry I said anything. Please forget I did. Okay? I’m not trying to make trouble. Honest.” The last thing I wanted was his club being pissed at me, thinking I was trying to get something from him or them. Or for them to go all moral on his ass and making him have something to do with the son he didn’t want.

“No. No. Kassi, if he was the father, there’s no way he wouldn’t have told me. Trust me on this.” He glanced at the doorway, and I imagined he was debating whether he could cut our visit off and get away from me and my “accusations,” as he must now see them.

“Yeah, well, he is. I guess not only didn’t he want me or Sebastian, he didn’t want you all to know. So… like I said, just forget I said anything. If you want to leave, I’ll understand.” My fingers rolled the cotton blanket, and my eyes couldn’t make contact with his any longer. Shit, why couldn’t I have kept my mouth shut?

“Fuck. Kass. Please, believe me. I know him better than anyone, and if he’d known you were pregnant, there would’ve been no shutting him up. Nor would he have turned you away. I can’t believe that.” His loyalty to his brother was admirable, but I was beyond caring about hurting his or anyone else’s feelings.

“Well, believe it. And if you don’t believe me, ask his blonde bimbo girlfriend. She’s the one who talked to him about it for me.” I knew my voice had turned bitter, but I was bitter. Bitter through and through.

“Wait. What? Girlfriend? Hacker has never had a girlfriend in the entire time that I’ve known him.” Perplexity swam in his eyes.

“Girlfriend. Bed warmer. Cum dumpster. Same thing.” Sarcasm didn’t suit me, and I hated that spiteful anger was beginning to simmer in my gut. Just the thought of him with her pissed me off. Yeah, call me a hypocrite because I had tried to move on with Hunter, but to know I had been tossed away so he could stick his dick in that nasty shit chapped my ass.

“So, wait. You’re telling me that the little baby boy in NICU is Hacker’s? And you spoke with a blonde woman about it? Where? Where did you talk to her?” The seriousness of his face and voice had my attention. I felt bad that I was taking this out on him. I also felt bad that I may have made trouble for Erik with his club, which was dumb, considering I shouldn’t have any feelings for him after everything he had done and said.

“At the clubhouse. How could you forget? I went there looking for him this past January? You’re the one who told me to go in. Don’t you remember? Well, I did go in and he was all over her. So, I left. Then he sent his floozy out to see what I wanted. He couldn’t even be bothered to talk to me.” I knew I had to be looking at him like he was a brain-dead dumbass, but he was truly whacked if he didn’t remember.

He was slowly shaking his head and blinking his eyes. “Kassi… look… that had to have been Gretchen. He has never messed with her like that. I know it was a dick move on his part to grab her when you went there that day, but I can assure you, he can’t stand her. I think he only did that to chase you away because he doesn’t feel he deserves you. He has a fucked-up sense of what he deserves. Top that with the guilt that he carries, he just punishes himself. Non-fucking-stop. But a baby… trust me, honey, that is a whole other story.”

“What kind of nonsense are you talking about? Guilt from what? And why would a baby make things different? I’m telling you, he didn’t want the baby. He even had her come out and tell me I should ‘take care of it,’ like my baby was trash to be taken to the curb. Well, fuck him.”

Joker threaded his fingers through his hair as he dropped his head. He began muttering, but all I caught was “¡Ay, Dios mio!” When he quit all his babbling I couldn’t understand, he looked at me, his eyes a dark storm-gray. “Sweetheart, I promise you, I will find that bitch and deal with her. If I have to, I’ll set the old ladies on her. She is a lying bitch, and she’s had a grudge against Hacker for a long time now because he refuses to touch her, and she wants him. She’s a spiteful woman who will no longer be welcome in the clubhouse. She’s gone too far now. Enough about her, tell me about what happened now that you’re here.”

Giving him the brief synopsis of what had happened, I watched his face run a gamut of emotions.

Standing, he leaned over and kissed my forehead as he tilted my head up at the chin. “We will straighten this out, nena. Okay? Don’t worry. Get better. Take care of Hacker’s… whoa… his son. I’ll be back later.” He then muttered, “!Chingados!” With a brief, sad smile, he left me wondering what rabbit hole I had fallen down.

And Joker spoke Spanish? Huh?

“Back From The Dead”—Skillet

DAMN, I’D BEEN SLEEPING so good I didn’t want to wake up yet. On the edge of my mind, I knew if I woke, things were going to be bad, but in my half-sleep state I couldn’t fathom why. And I had just slipped out of my dream when Kassi was on the precipice of a cosmic “O,” so my mind and body wanted that dream back. Bad. Unfortunately, sleep seemed to be receding quicker than I could hold onto it, and that dream was my gold at the end of the rainbow, getting farther and farther away, no matter how quickly I tried to move toward it.

Was it worse or better that my dreams lately had all been about Kassi? She wasn’t just in them. No, she starred in them, and they encompassed every wish and fantasy I had ever had of her. Like so damn real, I needed to check under the covers when I woke to make sure I didn’t fucking make a mess in my damn bed.

That was exactly what I was doing when I heard the low chuckle and laughing words. “Man, I’m pretty sure it’s still there, but I can call your nurse in to check for you, if you’re worried.” My eyes groggily focus on Joker sitting in the recliner of my room.

“Fuck you. Especially if it’s that loudmouth one again.” He laughed, then stood and walked over to close the door. When he dropped back into the chair, he sat with his elbows on his knees, staring at the floor. “Everything okay, bro?”

When he looked up at me, his eyes were full of sadness and hesitation. “Shit, brother, I don’t even know where to begin.” His eyes scanned over to the wall behind him. Taking a deep breath, he looked me in the eye and said, “Kassi’s in the room next door to you.”

At his words, I react without thinking and tried to sit up and jump out of bed. Let me tell you, that was a big mistake. Pain shot through my aching body and stole my breath. Quicker than I was, he jumped up to the side of my bed. “¡Este güey me va a dar un cardiaco! Fuck, man. Calm down. You forget you were in a hospital for tumbling down the road? After you got shot.” Joker’s words sounded slightly muffled through my pain.

The agony that washed through my body like a tsunami started to subside. When I could breathe again, I demanded answers. “The fuck are you talking about? Is she okay? Wait, what happened? I need to go see her.” And just like that, she took over my world once again. Every little bit of her I had tried to forget slipped its way into my head, taking up space I swore would never be occupied again.

“Hacker, stop. She’s okay. Well, all things considered. ¡Que Mierda!” His hand covered his mouth as he dropped to the chair again. “This is a fucked-up mess, bro.”

This was a man I had known for a lot of years. He had joined the Marines from San Antonio, Texas and had tried to leave his past behind him. What I had noticed over the years was, when he was emotional or angry, bits of Spanish slipped out. Remnants of a chaotic childhood with his tiny Hispanic grandma being the only normal, sane, constant part of it. So now I knew whatever was bothering him was big. And it obviously had to do with Kassi.

Not making me feel any better….

“Kayde.” Because he had been my friend for a long damn time, I reserved his given name for moments when it was just us. “Come on, man, tell me. What the hell has you so worked up?” Christ, she better not have married that asshole. Okay, so maybe he wasn’t an asshole. He was probably a stand-up guy, but if he had her and I didn’t, he was an asshole. Joker’s eyes met mine once again before he let out a lungful of air and groaned.

“¡Jesús! This is hard. Okay. Here it is. Kassi’s next door because you were right, she was pregnant, but not now… She had her baby early.” My mind was rapidly doing the math. If she hooked up with this guy after she had come to see me at the clubhouse, then got pregnant, the baby was so early, it’s survival rate was pretty damn low. My poor Kassi. Shit.

“Hacker, there’s more. That baby… well… uh, so, he wasn’t as early as you might think.” Huh? “He was born at thirty-two weeks, roughly.” He raised his eyebrows at me as he could see me doing the math again. Even though I knew without calculating. I knew. Knew with every molecule in my body.

Holy shit.

My breathing turned shallow. My mind froze, and I stared at the ceiling. Praying. Praying for what, I didn’t know. Divine intervention to sweep in and straighten this clusterfuck out? Maybe.

“That’s impossible. No way. We used protection every time…. She even had an IUD in place. We were safe. It doesn’t make sense! There’s no way that kid is mine.” My hand palmed my face, thumb and forefinger pressing into my eyelids before the pain at the movement registered. Stretching healing skin frigging hurt.

Flexing the fingers of my right hand, I preoccupied my mind with trying to get my left hand to do the same. The fingers barely wiggled. Dammit! Finally, knowing I couldn’t avoid it any longer, I met Joker’s eyes. The delayed response to his words could only be blamed on the damn pain meds. Or my concussion. Or all the shit on my mind vying for first place in my processing department. My file guy in my head was obviously on hiatus. “Wait. You said ‘he’? I have a son? Are you fucking serious? God in heaven. Where is he? NICU? How is he? Did she say? Take me to see Kassi. I want to see her, talk to her. I don’t care what you have to do, bro. I want to see her. Then I want to see my son.” Fuck. I have a son. This has got to be some crazy drug-induced dream. Kassi kept my baby from me? She has some explaining to do. Never in a million years would I have thought she could be that big of a bitch.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa… hold on there, cowboy. First, there are some things you need to know. And let me warn you, you aren’t going to like them.”

“I already don’t.”

By the time he finished filling me in, I was ready to climb up out of bed, fucked-up body and all, and track Gretchen’s dumb ass down and throat punch her. I’m talking bury her ass six feet under. My momma didn’t raise me to disrespect or lay hands on ladies, but she was definitely no lady. Every time I thought about how Kassi could have aborted our baby because Gretchen told her I said she should, I couldn’t decide if I wanted to scream, throw up, or kill someone. God in heaven, what if she would’ve done that? It would’ve been my worst nightmare on repeat.

“Fucking hell, bro. What the every-loving fuck? That fucking, heartless bitch Gretchen… How could anyone think that is okay? Jesus. What Kassi must have gone through. And me an unknowing accomplice to it all with the way I acted that day. Shit, she must hate me.” The feelings that were eating me up inside were running out of room, and it was like I was drowning. Suffocating in emotion. In trying to protect my own heart, I had destroyed hers. Once again, I was reminded of what an asshole I was.

“I think you hurt her, Erik. Deeply. She’s moved on, and it sounds like he’s a really good guy. The feeling I got was she still worries about you, especially with you being the father of her kid. If you asked me, there is definitely room for y’all to talk about shit and at least be an active participant in your son’s life. You know? But for sure y’all will need to talk.” It was another dig to my soul that he said I could be an active participant in my son’s life. And active participant. Really?

No. I wanted to be his father.

Pounding crept up from the back of my skull and wrapped around my head, tightening like a vice. Closing my eyes to block out the light didn’t help one fucking bit. It finally registered that my entire body was feeling that throbbing, aching torture. My hand blindly felt around for that fucking little red button that delivered my pain meds. It was set gently in my fumbling fingers. Cracking my eyes open, I saw Joker standing by my bed, holding the side rail. “I’m here for you, mi carnal.” He put his hand on my shoulder.

The pain was just beginning to feel like it had been turned down a notch when I heard a voice that made me smile. “Hey, baby boy. The nurse told us you woke up. Now I feel bad that I made your father take me to get something to eat. We missed being here.” My mom walked briskly to the side of my bed opposite Joker. When her kiss touched my temple, it felt like I was eight years old again and had just scraped my knee.

“Hey, Mom. Dad.” My dad, normally gruff and tough, leaned over and gently hugged my head to his.

“Hey, Mrs. Sheila. Mr. Gordie.” Only my mom called my dad Gordon. It was her thing for all of us, I guess. No nicknames for her. Joker had been to my parents’ house with me when he came to visit after I got out and he was on leave. He had also been over to enough suppers with me since he moved to Grantsville, so he knew them both pretty well, and my mom took him in like another son.

“Hello, Kayde. Thank you again for staying here with him. He’s been so lucky to have you as a friend.” My mom had no idea the bond we shared went way beyond friendship.

“God, son, you know how to scare the shit out of us. We’ve been here every day because your mother said if we weren’t here, that… well, never mind. Your brothers and sister send their love. They were all here the first day, but we told them there was no need for them to stay when you were pretty stable and we were just playing the waiting game for your head.” That’s when my mom burst into the conversation again.

“Jesus, Erikson. I wish you boys would quit riding those damn motorcycles. My heart can’t take crap like this very often.” Joker had the nerve to look chastised. The little shit. He was such a kiss ass when it came to my mom. Not that she would, but I think if she told him to sell his bike, he might do it to keep her from being mad at him.

At my snort of disbelief at my chickenshit friend, my mom’s focus returned to me. “The least you could do is wear your damn helmet, Erikson. A mother can only take so many scares, and when it comes to possibly losing one of her children, that’s grounds for a nervous breakdown.” My mom’s lecture lost much of its bluster when she started sniffling and she raised my good hand—uh, better hand—to her face. Her hurt made me hurt. The last thing I ever wanted to do was cause pain to the woman who gave birth to me. My mom was what I measured all women by. She was that important to me, and I loved her that much.

“Mom, I swear, I never intended to scare you or make you worry. We weren’t even being reckless at all. We were just enjoying a relaxing Sunday evening ride. It was a freak accident.” My hand cupped her cheek, and she placed her hands over mine. “Don’t cry, Mom.” My words fell on deaf ears as tears coursed down her cheeks.

“If you all don’t mind, I’m probably gonna crash for a bit. These pain meds help, but damn, they kick my ass.” They didn’t seem to hit me as hard this time, but they were weighing down my eyelids with a quickness. “Joker, we’ll finish talking later. Be here.” No, he wasn’t a prospect anymore, and it wasn’t my place to order him around, but he understood what I was saying.

“I gotcha, bro. See you later.” My mind barely registered murmured voices of Joker speaking with my parents. Fuck I was tired. So tired, but Kassi was still next door. I almost forgot I wanted to go see her. But how was I gonna do that? Shit.

“Oh, heyyy… you’re grannn baby isss here, and Ima get that girl to be mine, Momma. Goddamn I itch… fuggin morphine.” My words fought to come out sounding normal, but I was pretty sure they slurred, and honestly, I wasn’t sure I had even actually spoken them. Fucking pain meds. Sleep pulled me in and lured me like a siren toward dreams filled with the beautiful girl next door to me.

“Into The Ocean”—Blue October

BEFORE SHE LEFT FOR lunch, Kylie told me they were moving me tomorrow. Visiting hours weren’t over for hours yet, but already people were leaving. Joker entered my room after a couple passed by, the woman crying as the man held his arm around her and whispered in her ear.

“Hey, beautiful. You mind if I talk to you for a minute?” He stood at the foot of my bed with his hands in his pockets. The usually smiling, laughing, gorgeous man was somber. It sent frissons of fear down my spine. God, please don’t let… I couldn’t even think the words.

“Erik?”

“No, he’s actually doing really well. Well, physically. That’s kind of what I wanted to talk to you about.”

“Okay. Um, you wanna sit?” My heart was pounding in trepidation of what he was about to say. Had he told Erik? Even though he had already turned his back on us once, I was so hopeful, now that Sebastian was here, he would rethink at least being in his son’s life. So, while it was killing me slowly that he didn’t want me, I would accept my heart wilting day by day if it meant Sebastian would have his father.

He dropped into the chair by my bed, much as he had earlier. This time he seemed to be carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. “Joker, are you okay? You don’t seem yourself, at all.”

“There’s been a lot on my mind, chica. Too much. First Hacker, now you and your little one. And some other stuff I have going on. It’s just… yeah, it’s a lot, but don’t worry, I’ll be all right.” He scrubbed his hands on his face before ruffling his hair. “Look, you and Hacker need to talk. He wants to see his son. The problem is, he’s angry at himself. He thinks you’ll keep him from his son because he wasn’t there to help you during your pregnancy, even though you now know Gretchen’s bitch-ass was involved. He’s beating himself up pretty bad, and on top of the shit he already carries with him… well, let’s just say it’s weighing on him pretty heavy.”

Breath left me in a rush. “You told him…?” Then my heart raced as the realization that he told Erik and he wanted his son sank in. After that, the rest of what he said followed. “Wait… what do you mean, the shit he already carries with him? What happened to him?”

“It’s not my story to tell. But I think you need to get him to tell you. Find a way to make him tell you. Just know that he carries a lot of blame and guilt that he shouldn’t and doesn’t need to, but hell if I’ve ever been able to convince him of that. When you both get out if here, you need to sit down and talk. Work out a schedule for your son that works for you both. Don’t let the past rule that little guy’s future. And in case you’re worried, I’ll talk to him and make sure he won’t do or say anything to fuck shit up with you and your old man. Now, I’m not trying to be a prick, but I can tell you he won’t take kindly to his son calling someone else ‘dad,’ that’s for damn sure. Just a heads up, chica.”

“Hunter would never want to take Erik’s place in Sebastian’s life. He’s a really good man, Joker. He’s been there for me through all of this, and now he’s been here for Sebastian, but I don’t think he’d ever expect to replace Erik. He’s not like that.” Part of me felt like I was selling Hunter to Joker with my vehement words—and a little to myself. Not that I didn’t truly believe he was one damn fine man, because I sure as hell did. I actually hated myself for not being all-in with him. Nothing seemed to be able to stop me from feeling like Hunter was getting the short end of the stick with me. That he was only getting half of me, and it was the half of me without a heart.

Deep down, I knew I should end things with Hunter because I doubted I could ever love him the way I loved Erik. It was so unfair to him, almost like stringing him along. Would I eventually come to hate him because he wasn’t the one my heart craved? Would he grow to resent me because I could never return the depth of his love? Maybe that could change with time. People grew to love each other all the time.

I just felt so confused. Hunter was a sure thing and had already proven he would be there for me. Erik was a wild card. He’d already shown me he wasn’t the relationship type, and we had yet to see how much he would truly be in Sebastian’s life. But God did we have passion together. Explosive. Burning. Consuming passion. Did a person ever get that more than once in a lifetime?

“Hey, you don’t need to convince me. As long as you aren’t trying to fuck my boy over, I’m good, and I’ve never gotten that vibe from you. I always liked you, and I really thought you would be good for him. For the record, I’m actually sorry y’all didn’t click like I hoped you would.” His lips tipped up at the corners in a sad excuse for a smile. For a second, I enjoyed his simple male beauty. Not that he held a candle to Erik’s ruggedly handsome and sexy good looks. Erik was beautiful on an earthy level that spoke to my soul. He was like a sculpted Greek god. All chiseled lines and striking features. Beautiful to behold, but too much to touch, evidently.

Yep, Erik sure had handsome friends. But as they say, birds of a feather….

“Joker? Why are you here telling me all of this?” The tips of my fingers just touch his shoulder.

“I don’t really know. My brain’s not working right, I’m so fucking brain-dead. I guess I thought I could come in here and tell you about all the shit he has endured, but then I realized those weren’t my stories to tell. I thought if you understood him better, maybe you and he could work things out. He’s my brother. More than anything, I want to see him happy and free in his heart. I want to see him get the good things he deserves in life. That’s fucked up of me to want to mess up shit with you and your old man, though. Now I feel like a meddling old woman, and I wish I would’ve just kept my damn mouth shut.” He hung his head before he raised his gaze to mine. His turbulent, stormy eyes tired.

“You seem like you’re stretching yourself thin, being here nonstop. Get some rest. Things will be okay. You’re right, Erik and I have a lot to discuss, but your boy is safe with me. I won’t burn him. Especially not concerning our son. All I wanted was for him to want and love our son because he’s his. That’s all. Well… I mean, yeah, I had hopes once upon a time of him realizing he’s crazy about me, but that ship has sailed, and I’m learning how to move on. Go get some rest, Joker.” His hand reached up to his shoulder where my fingers rested on the worn, gray plaid flannel and clasped my hand in his.

“You take care, Kass. You’re right, I’m going to go to bed early tonight, get some sleep. Thanks for letting me ramble. I’ll try to stop by to see you again tomorrow.” With those parting words, he stood and left my room.

As I lay there listening to his footsteps recede down the hall, I couldn’t help but mull over everything Joker had said. Biting my bottom lip and worrying it between my teeth, I watched the slowing activity out in the hall. The clerk had her back to me where she was positioned at her desk at the nurses’ station. The nurses all appeared to be off doing patient care, as they weren’t near the desk.

An idea began to take shape in my head. Carefully, I put on my oh-so-beautiful hospital socks. On top of the covers, mind you, ’cause, yeah, that nasty shit wasn’t going between the sheets. Then I set about untethering myself. Being a nurse, it was easy to pause my IV fluids and disconnect the lines from the port. Ever so gently, I climbed from my bed and drop the portable monitoring device into the pocket of my gown. Ohhh, that thing is kinda heavy… That’s what she said. Can’t lie, I giggled at my own humor.

Of course, I knew I wasn’t supposed to be out of bed, but desperate times called for desperate measures. Whatever, I felt desperate. Really desperate.

Taking tentative steps toward the doorway, I peeked out into the hallway. The coast was clear. Moving into ninja-stealth mode, I snuck out into the hall. It was hard to move cautiously but quickly when your body had been beat to hell from the inside out and you were probably still down a few quarts. Figuratively speaking. Not getting out of bed for much, combined with my body healing, had my legs shaking like a new colt’s by the time I took a last look around and slipped into his room, quietly closing the door. Grabbing my lip with my teeth, I turned around and tried to bolster my courage. God, please don’t let this be a big mistake.

He lay sprawled out in the bed, dwarfing it with his bulk. Those thick, dark lashes fanned across the top of his cheeks, and his lips were parted slightly. My knees nearly gave out, and I wasn’t sure if it was from exhaustion from the ridiculously short walk from next door, or because seeing him brought back all the feelings I had for him. It made my heart literally ache to see him so close. Why, oh why, had I been so foolish as to fall in love with this man? We barely knew each other. In the big scheme of things, some may say it was insane.

Moving slower to ensure my stability, I inched my way quietly to the bed. Glancing at the clock, I tried to gauge how long I had before one of the nurses came looking for me. Shit. Not long.

There was no help for it, I had to sit. So, I gently lowered myself to the chair next to him. For costly minutes, I rested my chin on my knuckles where they were curled around the bedrails. My eyes followed the line of his face, down the strong column of his throat, cataloging every bruise, scrape, and gauze-covered area.

Heart beating so hard I feared the sound would draw the nurses in, I reached tentatively for his hand. My fingertips barely grazed over the back of his hand, tracing the veins and the lines of the ink that reached down from under the Kerlix gauze. The knuckles of his hand were abraded, and I was so preoccupied following my finger’s pathway along the backs of his hand, it didn’t register with me that his breathing had changed until he brought in a shaky breath when my fingers entwined with his and my lips touched his fingers.

Startled, my eyes swiftly darted up to his face. He was just lying there watching me. Quiet. Unmoving. As if I was a wild bird he was afraid of scaring off. Forgetting how much the color of his eyes took my breath away, I was quickly reminded as they remained steadfast, trained on me. As I sat upright, he whispered, “No, don’t go. Please.”

“Erik….” The frog that took up residence in my throat caused my voice to sound like I’d screamed at a Metallica concert all night. Clearing my throat, I looked away from his mesmerizing gaze. “How are you feeling?”

“You know… a little like hammered shit.” The chuckle that escaped the lips I remembered in vivid detail and technicolor was followed by a groan as he held his ribs with his right hand. “Jesus, and it hurts just to laugh.”

“What the hell happened to you? I’ve ridden with you, and you’re a damn good rider. All we heard was it was a motorcycle accident and no other vehicle was involved. Well, other than Joker was with you, but Hunter said he heard you had been shot? Did they find out who did it?” When Hunter’s name came out of my mouth, I watched his expression harden.

“Honestly, I have no clue. Kass, that’s the last of my worries. How is my… fuck… my son? Damn, Kass, you’ve got to give me a few to get used to the idea. Can you understand how hard it is for me to wrap my head around this?” His expression was that of a lost boy before he took his hand and scrubbed his face with it.

“He’s good. He’s lost some weight, but they said that was normal at first. He’s so tiny, Erik. But he’s so perfect.” I couldn’t help it. Tears welled in my eyes at the thought of how close I came to losing him. “They told me he’s a fighter. The NICU nurses call him the ‘miracle baby.’” My words warbled a little through my tears.

“I want to see him so fucking bad, but I can’t even get out of bed myself. I’m going to figure something out. Anyway, how are you doing? Joker gave me a brief overview, but are you doing okay now?” Trying to figure out what was important to tell him, my breath exhaled in a rush.

“Erik, I really don’t have a lot of time. I’m sure I’m not supposed to be in here, I snuck in while no one was looking. I’m good as can be expected. Let’s leave it at that. Okay? So, I don’t know what Joker told you, but his name is Sebastian… Sebastian Erik. I, umm, I hope you don’t mind.” There went my teeth chewing the hell out of my bottom lip.

“Mind? Are you serious right now? Of course I don’t. Except, if you could go with Erickson for his middle name, you would make my mom one happy grandma.” His attempt at humor relaxed me. Obviously, he picked up on my nervousness.

That was another thing I hadn’t even considered. Sebastian had grandparents. Erik had never really talked a lot about them, just that they lived in Grantsville and he had siblings. Which of course meant Sebastian had aunts, uncles, and cousins—besides Matt, that is.

“Your name is Erikson?” I smiled. “I had no idea. Yeah, okay. That would be perfect. Umm, in all honesty, I just wanted him to have your name, so whatever you prefer for the middle name is good. Well, you know, within reason. But look, it won’t be long before the nurses come looking for me… I just needed to talk to you about what you wanted to do. I mean… shit, this is awkward.” My eyes closed, and my forehead rested on the bed railing.

“Hey. He’s my son. Of course I want to be part of his life. No, that’s not true. I want to be his father. I want to help raise him. I’ll be there for whatever you need. You can count on me, Kassi.” His voice sent chills across my skin. “And I’m so very sorry for what Gretchen did. She had no right. I feel sick when I think of what you could have done. If you had—”

“Don’t. Don’t say it. First, I need you to know I didn’t plan on any of this. We were safe on multiple levels. My pregnancy was pretty good, all in all, but I still almost lost him. Yet, he’s here. He’s tiny, but he’s thriving. I don’t know what it is, but he has a purpose, or he wouldn’t be here today. Not with all those odds against him. I love him so much I can’t hardly contain myself near him. Amplified emotions nearly overwhelm when I’m near him. I can’t wait for you to see him. Yes, I’m pissed as hell about what that witch did. But I can’t carry that hate in my heart and have room for all the love that little boy deserves. We’ll figure this out. You just get better, and we’ll figure this out together.” My lips curved into a sad smile. It almost hurt to look at him knowing we would never be together. He would never be mine.

“Yes, we will.” He sighed and looked away from me. “Joker told me I would need to be on my best behavior with your old man. As long as he doesn’t try to take my place in my son’s life, we have no beef, and I’ll let him be. But I promise you…” His eyes returned to mine and they were resolute. “I will never let anyone come between me and my son. Ever.”

“Oh, Erik, he would never do that. I would never do that.”

“Are you happy?” His question caught me off guard.

“What?”

“Are. You. Happy? Does he make you happy? Please tell me he is good to you and he makes you happy.” The words were a whispered plea.

“Yes. He is. When I said he was a good person, I meant it. He… he loves me. And he loves Sebastian.” The tone of my voice matched his. Words spoken softly, whispered as a plea for him to believe me.

“You didn’t answer my question.” Those blue-green eyes bore into me.

Before I could say anything further, there was movement by the door and a woman with white blonde hair and dark brown eyes appeared. She looked incredibly out of place in a hospital, dressed in designer clothing and heels that looks like they cost more than my rent.

“Erik! Oh my God, Erik.” Her hands covered her full red lips, and her chocolate eyes glittered with tears. She took a step in the room before rushing to his bedside.

“Umm, who are you?” Confused, I asked her what was swirling in my brain.

“I’m his wife. Who are you?” Her eyes and voice dripped ice.

“FML”—Godsmack

HELPLESS, I LAY THERE, desperate to go after her. Because I could barely move, all I could do was lay there as Kassi stumbled out of the room. God, the look on her face when she heard the words that infuriated my soul and left a bitter taste in my mouth.

“Layla, what the fuck? Why would you say that? You haven’t been my wife for years. After what you did, how could you even think I want to see you?” Anger exploded inside my body. The machines started beeping in an incredibly irritating way when my heart rate escalated rapidly. The pain was starting to build again, but fuck if I was gonna use my pain pump and not be lucid around this snake in the grass.

“Oh, Erik, please don’t be like that! You know the only reason I agreed to the divorce was because I was distraught. We were young and emotional. We said and did things we both regret.” Her bottom lips expertly trembled. God, she was such a deceitful bitch. An actress of the first order. Looking back, I agreed with the young and emotional part. Foolishly, I had believed myself in love with her and had been willing to do anything for her. The only regret I had was marrying her in the first place.

“Get out of my room. Get out of this hospital. Get out of this fucking state. I don’t know why you’re here, but you’re not welcome.” There were absolutely zero fucks given about hurting her feelings. As I knew better than anyone, she didn’t have any. She was a selfish, heartless bitch of a woman.

“Please. I came here as soon as I heard. I ran into your sister-in-law, and she told me what happened. It scared the crap out of me, and it made me realize I never got over you. I’ve grown up, Erik. I’ve changed. People do that, you know.” What the fuck ever. People may change, but not people like her.

“Quite frankly, it doesn’t really matter to me one way or another. You’re so insignificant in my life that I couldn’t care less what you do or if you’ve changed.”

“Is it her? That woman that was in here with you? It is, isn’t it? She was on the bike with you when you wrecked? She’s your new girlfriend. What does she have that I don’t?” Just the sound of her voice was making me nauseous. The hatred I felt consuming me was not something I wanted to have in my life. Not anymore. Everything I did would be designed and geared toward making myself into a better man, a man my son could someday be proud of. I wanted to be for my son what my dad was for me.

“What does she have that you don’t, Layla? A heart.” My bitter words spat at her. The rapid gasp that escaped her gave me a demonic sense of satisfaction. “That and she gave me something you refused to, but that’s none of your damn business. I’m none of your damn business. What I don’t understand is how you could think that, after all these years, I would want to even speak to you, let alone have you back in my life.” She had the gall to look hurt.

A single tear welled up in her eye and spilled over and down her cheek. Too bad there wasn’t a compassionate bone in my body for her. She was wasting her time and mine. As she dropped her head, the blonde mane of hair I once thought of as spun fairy silk and loved running my fingers through shrouded her face. Silence reigned as she stood by my bed sniffling. She looked up finally, and her hand reached out to touch my face, but I jerked away from her touch.

The pain that sudden movement caused in my head and body made nausea roil in the pit of my stomach. Jesus fucking Christ on a cracker. Groaning, I clenched my eyes shut tight and concentrated on breathing to control the pain on my own.

“Do you need me to call the nurse?” Worry seeped into her tone.

“No. Just leave me alone, Layla. I’ve moved on in my life. You are no longer a part of the equation, and I have no interest in rekindling anything between us. You wasted your time coming here. Leave.” Why did she have to come here anyway? Add her craptastic timing to the shitshow that was my life.

“Well, I have a hotel for a few days. Here.” She handed me a small slip of paper she tore off the hospital notepad on my bedside table. “My new cell number in case you come to your senses. Erik, what we had was special. I know I messed up, and I did it in a bad way, but I need you to forgive me. Give me another chance.” Like hell.

I refused to speak another word to her, nor look her direction. After a few brief minutes, I heard the click of her heels as she crossed the floor out the door.

Crumpling up the paper she had given me, I chucked it across the room. My skin screamed at the pulling of healing skin that motion caused. Call her? She must be crazier now than she was then. What the fuck had Jonathan’s wife, Rachel, been thinking? Granted, she didn’t know all the details of our breakup, but she knew Layla had been a selfish bitch back then. Everyone but me did. Layla must have put on some act to get Rachel to talk to her and tell her about me.

My mind wandered to Kassi. Layla’s declaration as she entered the room appeared to have crushed her. It was anyone’s guess what she had running through her mind after that. She must think I’m a complete and utter piece of shit. What the fuck else could happen? Motherfucker, I felt like I was in a damn Lifetime movie.

“Mama’s Broken Heart”—Miranda Lambert

OH MY GOD, HE was such a piece of shit! He was fucking married. Just the thought of the word had my heart feeling crushed under the weight of a Mack truck. Holy shit, I had a baby with a married man. My hand trailed the hallway railing, that in normal circumstances I wouldn’t even think of touching. Nurses can be such germaphobes. My knees felt as if they might buckle and I would face-plant on the floor.

“Ms. Donovan! What are you doing out of bed?” Kylie’s voice rang out from further down the hall.

Shit. Busted.

Pain, but not the type she would be expecting, filled my eyes when I raised them to look at her as she power walked to me and wrapped an arm around my waist as she ducked under my arm to give me something to hold onto.

“I just needed to get up and stretch my legs.” The lie fell out with my tears.

“Ms. Donovan. Kassi. Besides the fact that you haven’t been cleared to ambulate on your own, I saw you come out of the room next door. You can’t go in other patient’s rooms, especially here in the ICU. You told me you’re a nurse, so I would think you would understand this.” Her words were spoken softly so they remained between us, but she was stern in their delivery. Guilt added itself to the emotions burying me, and my tears progressed to soft sobs. The last thing I had thought of was getting her in trouble. Dammit.

“God, Kylie, I’m so sorry. I hope you don’t get in trouble. Honestly, my brain is so overloaded, I wasn’t really thinking. It’s just… well… he’s… the man in that room is Sebastian’s father.” The last word was expelled from my mouth like a bad taste.

Reaching the edge of my bed, she helped me get back in and reattach all my lines and monitoring devices. Her face was plastered in confusion, and I didn’t blame her. This was a damn Jerry Springer show in the making. The shock of it all mingled with the pain that dwelled in my heart. How could I continue to let this one man hand me such debilitating hurt over and over?

“Uhhhhh, wait. I thought the guy who was coming in to see you was the father. Not that it’s any of my business. I’m sorry. That was wrong of me to say anything.” Kylie’s poor face flamed, and I knew she was thinking she had overstepped her bounds as a nurse with her questions. Good thing we nurses stuck together—well, most of us, anyway. You remember those ones who eat their young, I told you about, right? I held no grudge.

“No. It’s okay. It’s a long, confusing, fucked-up story. Just suffice it to say, every time I think I know what’s going on in my life and I’m getting some semblance of control, then something happens to rip it all apart again. My life has been one big jumble of shit after another. It feels like I’m always fighting to stay ahead of the wave.” My tears had ebbed to sniffles, and she handed me the small box of tissues from my bedside table. You know, the ones I’d probably be paying about ten bucks a box for.

After I finished blowing my nose in a most unladylike manner, she helped arrange the pillows behind me. Then she let out a sigh. “Kassi, I know this may not be what you want to here, but that is life. What fun would life be if it came with an instruction booklet and we knew everything that would happen? Life is ever evolving, and the experiences we have are what prepare us for the next round. The good and the bad. If there’s anything I’ve learned in life, it’s that we only have so many trips around the sun, as they say, and we need to try to embrace every moment before our moments are gone. There is a reason for every single thing that happens, good or bad; we may just not know what it is right away.” Wise beyond her years, she stood next to my bed with her hands holding each end of her stethoscope hanging from her neck. She gave me a small, encouraging smile.

“You ever think of going back to school to be a counselor or psychologist or something?” The dry tone that carried my words made her laugh. I really liked her. Maybe I should look at transferring here after Matt left for college. Get away from where I was. Away from Erik. Shit, that wouldn’t be right either. Because despite the rat he may be, he was Sebastian’s father. If I left, I’d take him from his father. Not to mention Hunter was back home in Iowa and I wouldn’t have him either. Shit.

“Do you need anything else before I leave for the night?”

“I’m still being transferred in the morning?” The farther I could get from Erik and the hum of his electrifying nearness, the better. It was too bad they couldn’t move me tonight.

“Yes. I’m back in the morning, so as long as there are no issues overnight, that is the plan and I’ll be bringing you to the postpartum unit. The doc says, if your OB/GYN doc clears you, you should only be there a day or so. Oh, and before I forget, I got you info about the Ronald McDonald house where you can stay while Sebastian’s here. It will save you from having to get a hotel, and it’s in walking distance so you won’t need to rent a car or have cab fees.” With a smile, she placed some brochures and papers on my table and rolled it so the tabletop was over my lap. “I’ll see you in the morning. Okay?”

Staring at the papers in front of me, I nodded absently. My fingers had just begun to sift through the papers when a knock sounded at my door. What the fuck? The last person I expected to see was standing there, a calculating look on her face.

Erik’s wife.

The words made my head hurt and my stomach churn. Looking at her and her coifed beauty made me self-conscious of how shitty I probably looked by now. Her white blonde hair still hung in a silky curtain, her full lips poison-apple red. The pencil skirt and silky blouse fit her like a glove and looked like she had just put them on after having them pressed—by a maid. Then I thought about the contrast between her and I and how it must have appeared to Erik, and I groaned inwardly.

Terrific.

“I’m Layla. Has Erik mentioned me?” My mouth couldn’t make words if I wanted it to at that point, so I just stared mutely at her. She obviously had a purpose for coming in my room, so I figured fuck it, let her say her piece and get the hell away from me.

When I continued to remain silent, I guess she took that as her invitation to come further in my room. Her expensive-ass heels clicked on my floor as she strode gracefully to the edge of my bed. The sudden look of malice on her face made me belatedly wonder if I should have called for my nurse. Unease skittered up my spine as her red lips twisted in a condescending sneer.

“Look, I don’t know who you are or what your relationship is with my husband, but this is the one and only time I will tell you. Stay. The. Hell. Away from him. Do I make myself clear?” She didn’t shout, but her words resonated off the walls as if she had shouted at the top of her lungs.

“Crystal.” My dentist would be chewing my ass if he could hear how I was gritting and grinding my teeth in an effort to not give her a piece of my mind. As she turned away, the look of victory still blazing in her eyes, I realized I had had enough. Enough of the shit life threw my way. Enough of people telling me what to do. Enough of bitches like her thinking they were better than everyone because they had car payments for shoes and purses.

Just as she reached the end of my bed, my voice found its escape. “Unfortunately, I won’t be able to do that, Layla. Erik and I have a child together, so whether you like it or not, he and I will have to see one another. Another funny thing is, he never mentioned you. Not once. Nor have any of his friends. Wonder why that is?” At that moment, I didn’t care if I was throwing Erik under the bus, because if he had messed around on his wife, he deserved to have to deal with the bullshit that came with those actions. All I knew was I wasn’t letting this haughty bitch dictate my life.

The look on her face as she spun back toward me was worth the pain I was sure I would be feeling at those claws she called fingernails. There was no way, in my state, I could fight her off, but that didn’t even play into my thought process at the time.

Thankfully, just as she lunged toward me, Kylie came in with the night nurse to do their nurse-to-nurse bedside report for shift change.

“Excuse me! What’s going on in here? Visiting hours are over, ma’am. I’m going to have to ask you to leave.” At the sound of the nurse’s voice, Layla froze in her tracks. The hateful, vile expression morphed into a soft, sweet, smiling one as she turned to them and spewed her lies.

“Oh! I’m so sorry! I was just going to hug my friend goodbye. I didn’t plan on being long.” She turned her back to the nurses and looked at me. “I’ll try to swing by to see you when I come to see Erik, my husband, tomorrow. Bye, hon.” And she waltzed her snotty-ass self out of my room, squeezing past the nurses in the doorway and offering them an apologetic smile and shrug of her shoulders. Bitch.

The annoying tap of her expensive heels faded down the hall, but continued to pound through my head.

“Everything okay?” Kylie glanced at me with concern after she had concluded her report and the night nurse went on to prepare for her shift. My head was pulsing with everything that had just happened.

“Yeah. Just peachy. When it rains, it pours, but it’s okay. I think I’m gonna get a big umbrella, and I’ll be just fine.” She smiled at me and gave me a thumbs-up sign before telling me she’d see me tomorrow and closing my door.

Fuck my life.

“Chasing Your Echo”—Red

TRUE TO HIS WORD, the doctor had physical therapy in as soon as they moved me. Bright and fucking early. Let me tell you, that was some painful shit. Between working through the adhesions that were forming and working muscles that had been at rest for a week, not to mention cut through and sewn back together, they had worked my arm over good. They had also encouraged me to start walking around. Starting with short trips around my room and working up to walking the halls.

Every room I went past, I glanced inconspicuously in to see if she had been moved to my floor. She wasn’t in ICU when I was transferred. As I has been wheeled past the room next door, I looked to see if Kassi was still there. Her room was empty with a clean and neatly made bed. “Did Kassi get discharged?” I asked the nurse wheeling me down the hall, hoping she might tell me since Kassi and I had been “neighbors.” Of course not. Shit pissed me off. So I had texted her, but she didn’t answer. My calls went to voice mail. It was frustrating as hell.

Even tried to get information out of my nurse after I got moved. She was a sweet young girl that I couldn’t believe was even old enough to be a nurse. But nope. So I took a chance that maybe, just maybe, if Kassi had thought enough of me being Sebastian’s father to give him my name, that she would have listed me as his father here in the hospital.

Bless that girl for having a heart of gold, because that’s exactly what she had done. Layla must not have pissed her off enough to cut me out, because when I asked about my son, they gave me the number to the NICU, and when I called down, after giving my identifying information, the nurse immediately referred to him as little Mr. Sebastian. They told me I could come down; they had a hospital armband for me to wear so there would be no issues with me seeing him. My chest almost caved in at the thoughtfulness of the woman I was head over heels for.

Yeah, you caught that correctly. I finally admitted to myself that despite everything—the short time we knew each other, the heartache I had endured trying to forget her, and all the other stupid little reasons—I was definitely insanely in love with her. The problem was, she had done exactly what I told her to and replaced me. People always say be careful of what you wish for… well, I was living proof.

No, I still didn’t feel I deserved her. Most days I hated myself deep inside; others I just felt like a failure who was undeserving of any divine intervention or absolution from the sins I had committed. The difference was, Kassi had given me a gift. A gift I never thought I would have, nor would I want again. Funny thing about unexpected gifts, they had a way of melting an icy exterior with the warmth of their generosity. In this case, it was the most heartfelt gift one person could give to another. The gift of life. And I mean that in two ways. One, she literally gave life to my son. Two, she had breathed life into my soul by wanting to share him with me, despite what she believed of me.

There was no way I would intentionally get between her and her new guy, but I wanted her so bad it made me ache in my bones. The first time he screwed up, I would be on that shit like Donkey Kong. The honest part of myself wanted to fight tooth and nail for her, but if she was happy and loved him, I couldn’t do that to her.

Joker had brought me my computer, and after I had my first round of physical therapy, I looked up everything about the guy. Some people had no idea how hard it was to type shit into the computer when one hand didn’t work all that great. It sucks monkey balls.

Anyway, I found out what I needed to know about the guy.

Hunter Trent Madison. I knew where he was born, where he went to school, where he lived, what he drove, what his credit score was—and it was pretty damn good—who his parents were, his first grade teacher, and basically anything else you could want to know about him. Ask me if I thought it was wrong or an invasion of privacy. Because I can assure you, I didn’t give half a shit. If this man was going to be in my son’s life and Kassi’s life, I was going to make damn sure he wasn’t crazy, or a con man, or worse.

If he hurt them, I would destroy him. If he was good to them, I would stay back. Just have my visitation and leave them be. Even if it killed me.

Looking at the clock, I realized it wasn’t too early to go down to see my son for the first time. Whoa, that sounded insane. My son. I couldn’t help but wonder how long it would take to get used to that. Was this how Reaper and Hollywood had felt? Because if so, I now understood how wacked they were about their kiddos.

Using the nurse call system, I called my nurse to find out if I could go down to the NICU to see him. Assuring her I could walk without assistance and proving it to her after I slipped on a pair of underwear and athletic pants, I followed her directions to the ward that held the meaning and purpose to my life.

The nurses at the NICU showed me how to wash my hands properly before I could go in. Scrubbing my hands with a little plastic scrub brush, under my nails, up around my wrists and forearms, scrubbing until any germs that could harm my little man were neutralized. Then they led me through the locked doors and past other tiny humans and a couple who were visiting with their own tiny human.

As the nurse stopped outside a little cubicle-like space, my breath rushed from my body and I almost fell to my knees as I took in the most angelic view I’d ever had the good fortune of laying my eyes on. Kassi sat in a rocking chair, a tiny blanket covered bump held close to her. Her dark hair had fallen forward and sheltered the little bundle, but couldn’t disguise the bared skin of her chest as a tiny little fist lay against the side of one full breast. It was absolutely the most beautiful sight I had ever seen in my entire godforsaken life.

My rapid intake of breath must have been louder than I thought, because she quickly looked up, startled by what must seem to her like my sudden appearance. Her expression was one of wary indecision. It reminded me of a stray puppy I had found in my backyard once. It had been so hungry it wanted to come to the bowl of food I had, but it had been through God knew what and it was terrified of getting metaphorically, or literally, kicked again. It hurt my heart to see that look on her, because it was exactly the one I had tried so hard to avoid causing.

“Hey.” Her voice was soft and made my heartbeat speed up.

“Hey yourself. How is he?” I was so out of my element, I didn’t know what to do. Usually, I had tabs, cameras, computers, and info watching everything and there were very few surprises and nothing I couldn’t handle. But this? This was all new. This was scary and wonderful and exciting all at once. This made me feel a little like a pussy because I damn sure felt like I was gonna cry.

“He’s doing really well, they said. He even latched on for a few minutes just now. It’s the first time.” Her soft gaze dropped to the little bundle. “He fell asleep with it in his mouth.” Her cheeks bloomed bright pink, and I knew talking about her breasts in this way with me was causing her some discomfort. It made me feel bad because it was something beautiful.

“Oh, uh, shit, I… let me turn around a minute.” Whipping the other direction as fast as my sore muscles would allow, I waited until she said she was good to turn back around. Her beautiful crystal blue eyes stared at me, and it was like being caught in a tractor beam. It was a chore taking a breath, I was so mesmerized. “Don’t feel embarrassed or ashamed of breastfeeding our son. I’m so proud of you for even trying. A lot of women don’t anymore because it’s a lot of work. At least that’s what my mom told my sister-in-law when she was getting frustrated and almost gave up on my nephew.”

The widening of her eyes when I said “our son” made me realize what I had said. Sure, it was the truth, he was our son, but I think she thought I was implying we were a couple. If only. It was my turn to feel my face flame.

“Do you want to hold him?” Her softly spoken words took me by surprise. Looking down at my arm in its sling and the healing abrasions on the other arm, I felt too tainted to let him near me.

“It might not be a good idea. My arm and all.” The shrug I gave made me wince in pain. Though I was healing pretty well, the weirdest movements sent my pain receptors into overdrive. Settling carefully into the smaller chair next to hers, I stared longingly at the little infant in her arms. A little blue beanie was on his head, and I could just see his minuscule nose over the blanket he was swaddled in.

Suddenly realizing he had some kind of tubes on his face scared the shit out of me. “What the fuck does he have tubes on his face for?” The shortness in my worried tone must have startled him because for the briefest second his eyes flickered open before a big yawn stretched his mouth wide. God, he was precious. My good arm reached out, and I ran a single finger over the curve of his tiny cheek. It was like touching velvet.

Kassi explained everything attached to him like the perfect nurse and mother. She set my worries to rest without even realizing the effect her voice had on me. Gazing back at my son again, I felt my heart swell with emotion I had no name or explanation for. Other than pure, unadulterated love.

“Hey, little man. You don’t know me yet, but I’m your daddy. We’re going to do all kinds of stuff together. If Mommy lets us, anyway.” A sniffle followed by a chuckle had me looking up at Kassi. Tears were streaming down her cheeks, despite the lopsided grin on her face. “Aww, baby, don’t cry.” Without thinking, I reached my hand to her and thumbed her tears away.

A shaky breath preceded her pressing her cheek so slightly into my palm, I had to wonder if I imagined it. My hand slid further back, fingers entwining in her hair until I cupped the back of her head and turned it toward me. Leaning forward, my forehead rested against hers and I gazed at our son cradled in her arms. “And the first thing Daddy’s gonna do is get you a little black beanie with some skulls on it or some shit. This hospital is trying to make you into a little wussy boy with that baby-blue thing. We aren’t having that, are we?”

Kassi laughed gently, and I let go, but our heads still touched as we spoke softly to Sebastian as he slept. My chest felt so full, I was literally afraid it might burst open.

This was what I had been missing by pushing everyone away any time I felt like I might be getting close to them. God, I had been such a fucking idiot.

“Just Say When”—Nothing More

DEEP DOWN, I KNEW this day was coming. Even though I tried to love her with every fiber of my being, I knew it wasn’t enough. She had blown into my life, turning it upside down, but in the best way I could have hoped for. Kassi was everything I wanted in a woman, but from the beginning I knew I wasn’t going to be able to hold her long.

There was a piece of her that she always held back. That piece was so elusive, and no matter how hard I had tried to grab it, it remained just out of my reach. That part belonged to him.

It had been so damn easy to fool myself into thinking if I loved her hard enough, deep enough, true enough, she would eventually love me as much as she loved him. The only saving grace I had in my favor through it all was the belief that he didn’t want her or his son. Obviously, the status quo changed.

Fuck, that was another thing that ripped me apart. That tiny little human wasn’t even mine, but I loved him already. Maybe after a while, it wouldn’t hurt so much. Hopefully, it would fade like a bad dream. Never forgotten, but hazier… images blurred… pain subdued.

If the look on his face was any indicator, there was no denying he loved her as much as I did. Whatever had caused the rift between them, they deserved to work through it. Despite my attempt to understand and accept, anger bubbled up. Anger at the unfairness of the situation, of life. Hate wanted to settle in my heart, but I couldn’t hate him for having her love. Nor her for loving him. After all, I only ever wanted to see her happy. To see the sparkle of love in her eyes. Even if it wasn’t for me.

“Sir? Were you going to go in to visit with your son today? I’ll have to ask one of them to step out, though.” Hesitation laced the young nurse’s voice as she looked from me to the couple visible through the window. She looked again, and I knew she was seeing what I was, a loving couple sitting next to the tiny warmer that kept their young son safe. Two dark heads leaning together, as they spoke to the burrito-wrapped baby in Kassi’s arms.

They separated as she stood slowly to set him back in his warmer and slip his hat off. He reached into the incubator to touch the soft, fuzzy hair I had not long ago been so blessed to touch. Thinking about it, this nurse was probably wondering what the hell was going on, who he was and why he was there in place of me. Join the club, hon.

“He’s not my son.” The words burned in my throat, coiling in my stomach with a sickness born of regret. “Please, don’t bother them.” Casting one more longing look at the woman I loved more than life itself, I moved back from the locked doors of the NICU.

With a heavy heart, I took the first step away from the future I thought had been in my grasp.

“Angels On The Moon”—Thriving Ivory

EARLY THE NEXT MORNING, Erik and I walked together to the NICU. That was the first day I had been given the okay to walk any distance, and I was so happy to stretch my legs. Hunter was supposed to come today, but when I called him, he sounded off and told me he had been called into work so he wouldn’t make it. Even though I knew it was for “the best since Erik was joining me, I was bummed. Not to mention, I felt bad because I knew he was working a lot of overtime with me out. Also, I was planning on telling him about Erik today.

Matt would be here shortly as well. He had come by yesterday afternoon after getting to Sioux Falls after I had returned to my room from seeing Sebastian. We had returned to the NICU so Matt could see his nephew, then we sat and talked until the end of visiting hours before he ran to get some food. I was a little irritated that he had given up his shifts for the weekend, only working yesterday morning, but it was so good to see him. He was withholding judgement on Erik until he met him and was able to get a feel for him, which I felt was fair. He was pissed about the misunderstanding that had led me to think Erik didn’t want anything to do with us. Misunderstanding… ha! That was a nice way of putting what that whore had done to us.

Matt was sleeping on the little hide-a-bed chair in my room. He initially said he was going to get a room with Hunter, so I could have my privacy and get a good night’s sleep. But when Hunter wasn’t able to make it, he ended up staying with me after all. We didn’t get much sleep because we sat up talking most of the night. He had gone in search of the cafeteria to see what their breakfast was like while I went to the NICU with Erik.

Upon reaching the NICU, Erik and I had gone through the handwashing routine, and we were buzzed in. There was a new nurse in there who I had never met. It made me nervous because I had gotten to know the other nurses, and I was super protective of my son.

“Hi! Who are you here to see?” We told her it was Sebastian. “Ohh, baby Baz! He’s such a sweetheart. I’m Debbie, his nurse for today. Are you and your husband okay with the rocker and the chair, or do you want me to round up another rocking chair?” Her assumption Erik and I were married had me choking on my own spit.

“Um, he’s not—”

“Another rocking chair would be great.” We had spoken at the same time, and I had to wonder if he had caught what she said about us. He didn’t appear to have noticed. While the nurses swapped out the chair for the rocker, I stole covert glances his direction as he held Sebastian’s hand in his little warmer. He was so damn gorgeous. This was going to be so freaking hard, being close to him like this and yet so far away emotionally. Then the thought of him reconciling with his obviously estranged wife hit me outta left field, and I beat down any feelings I had for him. Shit. Shit. Shit. I couldn’t believe I’d forgotten about that yesterday when he surprised me by stopping by the NICU.

Once we were both settled in the chairs, Debbie gathered Sebastian up out of his warmer, slipping his little beanie on and wrapping him up in his baby-burrito blanket. “Okay? Who is holding him first?” She grinned at us, not sensing any of the undercurrents of tension vibrating around us.

“Erik? Why don’t you hold him first? You haven’t had a chance to hold him yet.” His expression was so adorable. He reminded me of a little kid staring longingly at a chocolate cake knowing he shouldn’t have it before supper, but wanting it in the worst way.

“My arm…” His left arm was indeed still in a sling, but I was sure we could help him out somehow.

“What if we prop a blanket under your right arm to help support you and then Debbie sets him in your arms? If it gets to be too much, I can take over.” The bob of his throat as he swallowed made me realize how nervous he was. Wide as saucers, his eyes looked from me to our son.

“Okay. Yeah, that would be cool.” No matter how bad I wanted to hate him, seeing him like this endeared him to me in ways I couldn’t fight if I tried.

Between the nurse and I, we got everything stuffed and positioned; then Delila bent over to set Sebastian in Erik’s crooked arm. It was as if Sebastian sensed someone new was holding him and felt the need to investigate because his eyes fluttered a couple of times before opening and staring straight at Erik.

“Oh my God, he’s looking right at me. It’s like he’s trying to figure out who I am. Hey little buddy. Daddy’s got you today. What do you think of that? Holy shit, Kass, he’s so little. I feel like I might break him. You think he’s safe like this?” Holding back my laugh was impossible.

“Yeah, I think he’s okay. You look good holding him.” He did, too. His disheveled hair and beard should have made him look messy and scruffy, but he looked amazing with his infant son cradled in his arms. It was the sweetest, most sexy thing I’d ever seen. Pretty sure my ovaries exploded, releasing every egg they ever created in an attempt to have another of this sinfully gorgeous man’s babies.

Who would have thought the consummate bad-boy biker, who claimed he didn’t want a relationship, would look so amazing holding his infant son close as he whispered his secrets to the small human staring intently at him as if he understood each and every word? Yeah, ovaries… gone. Done.

Even in the plain white T-shirt and black running pants with the three white stripes down the side, he looked good enough to eat. The sleeves were snug against his bicep, and as my eyes admired the contours of his muscular arms, I couldn’t help but notice the abrasions appeared to be healing pretty well. There had been very little permanent damage done to all his beautiful tattoos. Maybe a few places needed to be touched up, but not bad.

And where that shirt stretched across his chest? Oh, sweet baby Jesus, the man was too much. He appeared larger and more muscular than the last time I had seen him and had the pleasure of touching, tasting, and worshipping every dip and bulge of muscle.

Oh Lordy, I needed to stop.

Clearing my throat, I spoke, trying my best to remain neutral and unaffected. “So, I’ve been thinking we should probably discuss how we want to do everything. You know, like visitation and stuff.” This was such an uncomfortable situation, and my comment sounded like I was hinting about child support or financial support. Shit. Not that I didn’t think he needed to contribute, but it wasn’t my number one concern, and I didn’t want him to think I was all about money.

When his nostrils flared briefly and the muscle in his jaw ticked, I was afraid that was exactly what he was thinking too. “Erik, I didn’t mean that to sound like I was demanding money. Honest.” When his eyes lifted from Sebastian to meet mine, they were dark teal, swirling with a deep emotion I couldn’t quite place.

“I didn’t take it that way at all. And, of course, I will support my son. Regardless of what you had been led to believe, I never shirk my responsibilities. My mother would have my ass to this day, I can assure you. Speaking of which, my parents will be coming back by today, and I know they’ll want to see him.” It was his turn to clear his throat, causing our eye contact to falter as he glanced down to our son again. “I haven’t actually told them about Sebastian. So, it’s going to be interesting.”

After a deep breath, he resumed eye contact. “I own my own business, and my hours are fairly flexible as I work from home and the clubhouse most days. If you needed me to, between me and my mom, we could watch him and save you having to get a babysitter. Speaking of which, are you planning to go back to work? I guess I didn’t even ask that, so that may’ve been a bit presumptuous of me.”

“Unfortunately, I have to go back to work. There is no way I could pay my rent and my bills without my job. Matt doesn’t make enough to pay everything, and he will be leaving for college in the fall. So… yeah, I’ll be working. If you wanted to watch him some days, it would give Nancy a break. She’s my landlord slash neighbor, and she has been dying to babysit him since I first told her I was expecting. But she’s a retired nurse, and I don’t want her to have to work the hours I do. That’s not much of a retirement for her. Not that she has said anything to the contrary, but I figured it might be a bit much to expect her to work full-time. It’s also going to be rough because I work nights. So, she’ll have him while I’m at work and he’s sleeping, but then I will need to sleep when I get home and he’ll want to be awake. Until my brother leaves for college, he’ll help out too, but I don’t want him to have to do too much. He shouldn’t lose out on his childhood because of my life.” Shrugging my shoulders in uncertainty, I picked at a loose thread on the blanket I held in my lap.

“We can help. That’s not a problem. But have you thought about going back to days?” His question wasn’t an accusation or asked with any noticeable malice, it was just conversational curiosity. It was nice to be able to sit and talk with him again.

“Actually, I have. If they have a replacement for me by the time I get back, I’ll go right to day shift. If they haven’t found one yet, then I’ll be on nights until they can get someone on board. I’m using my maternity leave for now. But I didn’t have enough time saved up to be off the full time, and I haven’t been there long enough for my short-term disability to have kicked in.” My teeth chewed nervously on my lower lip.

“Oh. I wasn’t sure if your boyfriend was going to cover down so you could stay home. But it’s okay. We’ll help you cover it, my family and I. This may have been the last thing I had planned, and I may have said I wasn’t going to have children, but the good Lord obviously had other plans. So you can bet your sweet ass I’ll be stepping up to the plate and being the best damn father I can.” The way he gritted out “boyfriend” didn’t escape my notice. It made me wonder if he was angry about Hunter being a part of Sebastian’s life. The part about never having children had me wondering if it had anything to do with what Joker had said had happened to him.

“Hunter and I don’t live together. We just stay together sometimes.” The wince he tried to hide had me really wondering what was up with him. “So I wouldn’t expect him to be financially responsible for me and my family. Not that he wouldn’t, but I won’t let him. Sebastian has insurance through my work, so that’s not an issue. It’s mostly just the daycare situation so I can work. This may be asking a lot, but would you mind watching him at my house? Not that I’m saying you can’t take him to your place or your parents’ ever, but I just figured it would be easier around his things.”

“I’ll talk to my mom, but I don’t think it will be a problem. Maybe I can head over there before you go to work and stay the night there with him until you get home. Then I can head to work. He and I can have sleepovers.” His boyish grin was disarming to my already fragile heart. Jesus, how was I going to survive this? “We’ll figure this out. We just need to get our little guy healthy enough to go home.”

“Erik? Please don’t be angry with me for this, but I don’t think your wife cared much for me and I don’t want to cause problems, so could we… just at first… keep her away from him?” Praying I wasn’t going to make him angry by essentially saying his wife was a bitch, I closed my eyes.

“Oh Jesus, Kassi, I totally forgot.” He forgot? Forgot he had a wife, or forgot to tell me he had a wife? Jesus. “She’s not my wife. That is a long story I would rather not get into right now. She was at one time, a long time ago, but I can assure you, that ended a long time ago.”

“Uh, yeah, I don’t think she got the memo.”

“Trust me, that ship sailed years ago. Just let me worry about her. I’ll make sure she stays away from the two of you. Promise.”

It was about then that Sebastian’s nurse came back around and helped get my baby boy back to me to attempt to feed. Of course, I would be pumping after he made his half-hearted attempt, but the few minutes he nursed before exhausting himself was the most magical I’d ever experienced. But as I prepped to expose my breast to my son, I belatedly realized Erik was still sitting by me. Shit. Sliding my gaze over to where he sat in silence, I caught his reverent stare. He looked so different from the Erik I was used to, I didn’t know what to say or do for a minute.

“Umm, yeah, so I’ll head out so you can have some privacy. I’m going to call my parents and talk to them. I’ll let you know the details, okay?” He carefully stood, showing how stiff and sore he still was. The limping gait as he walked out the doors of the NICU worried me, and I hoped he wasn’t overdoing it. With as stubborn as he was, it wouldn’t surprise me.

Once he was out of my vision completely, my heart ached at the lack of his presence.

“Monster”—Starset

PULLING OUT MY CELL as I hobbled back to my room, I dialed my dad’s number. He answered on the first ring, and the slight echo told me he was driving and I was on the car speaker. “Hey, son. We’re just swinging through Starbuck’s for a coffee for your mom then heading up to see you. Everything okay?”

Was it? Hell no. “Yeah, Dad, everything’s okay. I just wanted to talk with you both when you get here. I should have called you last night, but… well, I’ll talk to you when you get here. I have some things to discuss with you two.” A lot of things to discuss.

“Love you, baby boy!” My mom shouted in the background, because I still didn’t think she understood I could hear her just fine when it was running through the car. A chuckle escaped me because my mom was the absolute best and she made me happy despite the shitstorm my life had become.

“Love you guys. See you soon.” The smile was still on my face as I waved at the nurses to let them know I was back from the NICU before stepping into my new room.

“Awww, thank you, I love you too, Hacker!” Joker was sprawled in the chair that was in my room and I laughed at his goofy ass and shook my head. “You’re such a shit, but for real, I really do love you too.” He stood as I walked over to him and spread his arms to embrace me. Hugging him with my good arm, I smelled the worn leather of his cut and it reminded me of the fuzzy memories I had from a few days ago.

“It’s, good to see you.” Flicking the edge of his cut with my finger, I asked him what had been bothering me. “Where the hell is my cut, man? I had this really bad dream that someone said it had been cut off me. Please tell me that shit’s a lie?”

“Fuck, man, I wish I could. You took a tumble down the road at a pretty good clip, and besides the patches being a little tore up from the road, the paramedics cut it off to assess the damage quickly. I was able to get it, but, man, you don’t wanna see it. It’ll break your heart.” His dark head shook back and forth in true sorrow.

A man’s cut was important to him. You didn’t disrespect it. You didn’t touch it without knowing him and essentially being invited to. It was truly his colors, and it was as respected as much as our nation’s flag. Well, as much as it should be respected. It was hard earned and represented a bond that was forever.

“Jesus effing Christ. Gunny bought me that cut when I first got patched.” It had meant a lot to me when Gunny had handed it to me the night I became a patched member of the Demented Sons MC. “Fuck. Okay. No, not okay, but whatever. Anyway, everything okay? What’s going on back home? Any trouble?” The Demon Runners had been fucking with us for a while now, and it was pissing us all off. Especially considering it was always in a chickenshit way instead of trying to take us on man to man. They had made a really bad choice when they had taken one of our dancers from the Emerald Shamrock, but when they had accidentally taken Hollywood’s old lady, Becca, they really fucked up.

We were gunning for them, but they were laying low after making pussy-ass attempts at coming after us. You know, little things like vandalism of the clubhouse gates and flipping us off on the road. At least until they shot me. Now they were dead men walking. Our sources had confirmed it was them, and I was still a mad motherfucker about that. After all, they had potentially gotten me kicked out of my own damn club if I couldn’t regain use of my arm enough to ride.

Speaking of, it was starting to ache like a mofo. My body was really pissed at me for the beating it had taken. After everything it had been through over the years, it should be used to it. But it wasn’t.

“Fuck, I need to call the nurse for my pain meds.” Joker had sat down when I sat on the edge of my bed, but he jumped up like his ass was on fire when I said that.

“Bro, you relax. I’ll go tell her. Be right back.” With a swagger in his step, he sauntered out my door. Okay. Whatever. Too drained from my walk to the NICU and back, I situated myself on top of my covers and rested my head back against the pillow. Damn, I hated how easily I tired.

The answer to Joker’s enthusiasm entered the room, cheeks flushed the same bright pink of her stethoscope as he poured on the charm. Shaking my head slightly, I grinned at him, but he was too busy sweet-talking my tiny little nurse into giving him her phone number to notice. Fucking Lothario.

After writing something on a Post-it note from her portable computer cart, she came over and went through the routine of verifying all my shit before she gave me a fucking 800mg Motrin. It seemed crazy to me that they had to ask twenty questions before giving me something I could buy at the corner drug store, but I told my doc I wasn’t taking anymore fucking narcotics.

After getting my leg shot in Afghanistan, they gave that shit to me like it was candy. It was too fucking easy to become addicted to it. Another brilliant shining example of my fuck-ups. Becoming a drug-addict Marine. Thankfully, I had realized the problem right away and worked with my doctors to wean myself off them. A lot of guys unfortunately didn’t recognize it, and then the system that fucked them up wanted to point fingers at them for being addicts. Didn’t matter that they had been created by their own doctors at the VA or in military medicine.

Now, unfortunately I had a new addiction. One with silky dark waves of hair, lips to bring a man to his knees, and ice-blue eyes. She was my own special brand of drug. Staying away from her had lessened my cravings, but seeing her, being near her again had slammed them back in my face. Problem was, I could tell you without question, this was a craving I wouldn’t deny or try to break myself of. Every little second I got of her time fed the beast inside.

Just as the little blonde nurse left with a sway in her hips and a smile to Joker, my parents walked in. My mother, the blessed saint she was, handed me a grande dark roast. Breathing in the rich aroma, I swear, my eyes may have rolled in my head.

“Mom, you are the very best.” The words barely made it out of my mouth before my lips were wrapped around the opening and I was cautiously sipping from the cup. Straight nectar from the gods. “Mmmmm. You had no idea how bad I needed that. Now physical therapy will be in here shortly to torture me, so I need to talk to you both.” My dad clasped a hand to my shoulder, placing the other around me in a half hug to accommodate my bum arm, before sitting in one of the chairs.

“You have had your mother worried sick the whole way here, son. Start talking.” His no-nonsense approach to everything was actually comforting. So talk I did. No, I didn’t tell them all the details, but I started with, “You’re grandparents again,” which elicited a half-excited, half-worried squeal from my mom and a raised eyebrow from my dad.

After I was done, my mom was the first to speak. “Erikson, is this the same girl we talked about months back?” I knew where she was headed with this, and I couldn’t get her to stop if I tried. But I still kind of hesitated before answering.

“Yeah, Mom.”

“You still love her, don’t you?”

“Of course he does. He’s so fucked up over her, it’s pathetic,” Joker piped in.

“Kayde! Language!” Came out of my mom’s mouth just as I said, “Shut the fuck up, asshole.” Which of course earned me a stern look from my mom before she resumed her scolding of me. “Oh my Lord, how is he doing? You must be so worried. When do we get to see him? What is his name? You never even said!”

“Sheesh, Mom, one question at a time. You aren’t going to believe this, but she named him after me. After everything… well, anyway, yeah, so she named him Sebastian Erikson.” My mom’s hands covered her mouth and tears filled her eyes. Scrolling through my phone, I pulled up the pics I had taken of him and one candid one with Kassi as she held him. It was one where she had her head tipped slightly as she spoke softly to him and stroked her index finger along the curve of his little cheek. His bold blue eyes were focused intently on her, and she had her bottom lip snagged between her teeth. It was a truly exquisite pose, but one I knew Kassi would want to choke me for if she saw it, because she would say she had no makeup on and her dark hair was gathered up in a wild array on her head with escaping tendrils everywhere. Tendrils as rebellious to being tamed as their owner. Drinking them in one last time, I handed it to my mom.

The tears streamed down her face as she held my phone with one hand and the other remained over her trembling lips. My dad looked over her shoulder, and she tipped the phone for him to see better.

“Oh, Erikson, they are so beautiful,” was my mother’s whispered response.

“You did good, son. Now what are you going to do to fix this? Or is it not salvageable?” Leave it to my dad to hit me where it hurt, but with the best intentions. One thing he always did was make us accountable, and he never sugar-coated anything.

“Shi—uh, shoot, Dad, I don’t think it is. She hooked up with this other guy.” Before he could even ask, I told him, “And yeah, even though it galls me to say it, he’s a pretty stand-up guy and treats her really well. Would I love a chance? Hell yeah, but I doubt that will ever happen. Anyway, the doc said I’m doing exceptionally well, and if nothing changes between now and then, he’s cutting me loose tomorrow.”

“So, son, are you going to be sticking around here after you get discharged? To be with your son, I mean?” My dad looked thoughtful.

“Well, I was hoping to, but I’m not sure. The guys brought me my laptop and my external hard drive for the business, so I could try to do as much as I can from here.”

“Well, that may work out well then. I have that office building nearing completion here, and I had told them about your security systems you have designed, and they are interested in having one installed. It’s a big job and the pay will be good, but they have a lot of particular needs out of my scope, so if it’s okay with you, I’ll pass your number on to Chuck, the CEO.” My dad had often referred me to his clients, and I wasn’t too proud to accept those referrals. Business was business, and my dad wouldn’t recommend me just on the fact that I was his son. He had worked too hard to build a successful and reputable development company, and he wouldn’t tarnish that for any of his children “just because.” I was damn good at what I did, and he knew it.

“Sounds good, thanks.”

“Okay, I want to see my grandson. I want to see his beautiful momma too, but if she doesn’t want to wear herself out by going to the NICU again so soon, we can stop by to see her after. Whatever is best for her. Let’s go.” My mom stood, wiping her tears with the back of her hand followed by a sniffle.

“Let me message her.” Quickly, I shot off a message and waited for her reply. She said it was all good, and she would see us after. She also told me she was nervous as shit, but I told her it would all be fine and didn’t share that part with my family.

Joker said his goodbyes to my mom and dad then hugged me again before taking off to wherever he went while he wasn’t with me there at the hospital. I probably didn’t want to know.

Even though the doc said it was good for me to walk as much as I could, I was wore out again by the time I got to the NICU and walked my parents through the necessary processes. The nurse must have sensed my exhaustion, because she told me to come in with them after I washed up and I could sit for a bit with them.

“Oh my God, Erikson, he looks just like you did when you were a baby!” My mother’s quiet exclamation made me smile. It had been my thoughts too, but I thought maybe I was seeing what I wanted to see. The twisted part of me was glad the asshole Kassi was with would have to look at me every damn day. The other part of me felt bad for thinking of the guy as a douche when I was pretty sure he was as good a guy as she said. Probably a better one than I was.

My parents both held him, reveling in his sweet baby smell much as I had and being amazed at how tiny he was. After cooing and oohing and ahhing over him until the nurses said it was time for his feeding, we all left. Of course, my mother had to get one last look at him before my dad and I bustled her out of there.

The nearer we got to the room number Kassi had texted me, the more my mom’s voice dimmed in my head and my heart began to pound in anticipation of just laying my eyes on her for a second time today. My skin started to tingle with each step toward her doorway. Swallowing the large lump that had risen in my throat, I knocked on the doorframe and watched as she turned from talking to who I recognized as her brother from the night I had dropped her off so long ago and the night I left her necklace on her doorstep. The same one she wore now. It made me wonder if she had ever figured out it was from me.

How I missed the resemblance that first night could only be attributed to my jealousy, because they could have been twins if I didn’t know better. Though he was already my height and my own experience told me he could still grow a little and fill out for a few more years, he still was obviously young. Inside, I felt like a shithead for my inner thoughts that night. He raised his chin at me as he stood to his full height. It was easy to recognize the body language that said “don’t fuck with my sister,” and I respected him for that. He had no worries, at least that’s what I told myself.

“Hey, Kassi. How are you feeling?” My eyes roamed over her from head to toe where she rested on her bed. Her face looked a little pale, and I worried she had been overdoing things. She assured us she was good enough for visitors, so I introduced my parents. “My mom, Sheila, and my dad, Gordie.”

Leave it to my mom to rush over to her and act like she had known her all her life. My eyes questioned her when I saw the look of shock cross her face, asking “You okay?” She gave me a tentative smile before looking back to my mom. “Hi, Sheila. Umm, this is my brother, Matt.” His good manners showed as he extended his hand for my mom to shake and said, “Pleased to meet you, ma’am.” My mother would have none of that though.

“It’s Sheila, goodness, you’ll make me old before my time.” She hugged him next, and the poor kid’s face flushed at her warm reception. Being without a parent for the last few years had probably made it awkward to be faced with someone as forward and exuberant in her love as my mom. It probably also brought the feelings of loss to the forefront again, and my heart went out to the two of them. Even though I had left my family without explanation to join the Marines, it would have killed me to lose them like these two had lost theirs.

After my mom finished embarrassing the boy, my dad stepped up and shook his hand and then gave Kassi a hug as well, though a more reserved version than my mom.

“Oh, Kassi, you did so good with that little grandson of mine.” My dad inserted a “Hey, he’s mine too!” At which my mom shushed him and waved her hand in the air toward him. “He’s perfect. And Erikson told me about your predicament with his care after you go back to work. You have no worries at all. I would be honored to help with him when you and Erikson have conflicts with your schedules. Now, I make no promises at how spoiled he will be.”

“I can’t thank you enough. I realize this isn’t an ideal situation, and I’m so sorry if this is awkward or a pain—”

“Nonsense. That’s what family’s for, Kassi.” There went my mom again. Tears escaped from Kassi’s ice-blue eyes and she rolled them in my direction, as if seeking salvation from my corner.

“Okay, Mom. You’re overwhelming the poor girl.” We all turned our eyes to the door where my two older brothers stood along with my sister and my sister-in-law, who held my three-year-old nephew and my eleven-month-old niece. Bexley was in heaven with this situation, as I noticed she looked pointedly at me then the pendant glittering around Kassi’s neck, the pendant I bought while she was there. Tipping my head and narrowing my eyes at her to silently tell her to keep her big mouth shut did nothing. She just looked at me like the well-loved but total shit of a little sister she was and grinned like the Cheshire cat.

“So Mom totally texted us to tell us where you all would be when I told her we were almost here.” The woman had the nerve to keep smiling at me. My darling mother had the nerve to look abashed, and my brothers had the nerve to step in and start introducing themselves. My whole family had a lot of nerve. But hell, what did I expect, this was my family we were talking about.

“Jesus, Martha. Are you people for real? This girl is never going to speak to me again because she’s going to think I have craziness that runs in my family. She doesn’t need to be bombarded with the likes of all of you!” My exasperation at my loving, but overwhelming-to-even-me family was causing me to feel like I was on the verge of an apoplectic attack. Lord knew I loved them, but sometimes they were too much. “Boundaries, people. Get some.”

The sound of Kassi’s laughter was like an instantaneous balm to my mood and soul. It was as if I was being washed in calm by the rich, tinkling melody of her laugh. “Erik, it’s okay, I promise. Umm, yeah, at first I was feeling a little overwhelmed, but you have such a big family, and it’s so obvious they love you. It’s fine.” She glanced shyly at me, and my heart raced as it did every time she held me captive with those eyes.

Before I knew what was going on, Matt and Kassi were passing their phones around showing all the pictures they had taken of my son to my family. Everyone was laughing, smiling, and talking. My nephew, Jaxon, was wanting to see “baby Bastian” on the “foam” again. He was so dang cute. As I often did, I wondered if my child would have looked like him or more like my niece Abigail, whose blonde ringlets shook as she leaned away from her aunt to reach for her grandmother. Except now, to interrupt that thought were visions of my own little newborn son.

Fuck, I was a father. And my baby’s mother was fucking beautiful. She set my skin on fire with need and some kind of crazy-ass electric vibe every time I was near her.

Kassi stopped in the middle of all the chaos that was my family, and her eyes met mine. It wasn’t just me. She felt me. Her eyes widened slightly, and her lips parted. When my dick started to jump in my pants, her eyes dropped as if she read my mind, and it flexed again. Belatedly, I remembered I was wearing athletic pants. Unless, I did something quick, my family was going to get an inappropriate show. Fuck.

Groaning inwardly, I slowly moved my sore body over to the single chair that was just vacated by my brother Maddox when he got up to look at one of the pictures of Sebastian my mother insisted he go check out. It was the only one empty, and it was right next to her bed.

As I lowered myself slowly to the chair, my arms ached, and I couldn’t hold back a gasp of pain when I bent without thinking. White-hot agony shot straight from my ribs to my throat. A soft hand touched my neck, and I wanted to melt. Her scent wrapped around me like a warm blanket.

“You okay?” She was the only one who heard my sudden intake of breath. Breathing slowly through it, I waited until it ebbed to a dull throb. Her hand still touched my skin, and the contact was like heaven. My lips ached to touch her arm. If I turned my head just barely to the side, they would skim the tender, soft skin on the inside of her forearm just about at her wrist where her pulse beat.

Telling myself her concern was nothing didn’t work, because my heart wasn’t listening. It literally hurt as if it was held in a vice with her name all over it. Goddamn it, she made me feel like the world’s biggest pussy, but if I was honest with myself, I was having a hard time really caring that inside I felt like she’d turned me into a big fat vagina.

If it wasn’t for Hunter, she would be mine. Unfortunately for my heart and lower, she loved him and he was still in the picture. If he wasn’t, there was no way I would let her get away again.

“Son, did you hear me?” Startled, I blinked and looked at my dad. Her hand quickly pulled away. Sorrow screamed within my head at the immediate loss of her touch. “The little ones are getting hungry, so we’re going to get dinner and then everyone is heading to the hotel. We’ll be back in the morning. Do you need us to bring anything?”

Trying for normal—no, more like grasping like a drowning man for a life raft—I smiled and joked, “Coffee. You know my poison.”

“Do you need me to get a wheelchair to take you back to your room?” That last question came from my shit-stirring sister, with a wide grin. She was so damn lucky I loved her. My narrowed eyes and clenched jaw gave her the answer she was looking for. “Okay, well, love you, big brother. Nice meeting you, Kassi, and thank you for my new nephew. I can’t wait until he’s able to have his aunt babysit him.”

“It was great meeting all of you too. Thank you for coming by to cheer us up.” The simple use of “us” makes my heart swell. If only there was an us. For not the first time, I kick myself for my stupidity all those months ago. For not sensing how perfect for me she was.

Everyone began to file out after they had all hugged me and Kassi. My family could be a lot to handle, especially all at once, but Kassi had handled them like a trooper. I loved them something fierce, and it made me happy that they seemed to like her as well.

“Kass, I’m going to head out too. I have school tomorrow, and I don’t want to be traveling too late.” Matt leaned over to hug her before turning to me. “You sure you don’t need our help getting back to your room?” Translation: I really don’t want to leave you here with my sister, fucker.

Not wanting to make an enemy of her brother, but not wanting to look like a bitch cowering in a chair by his sister, I stood and stepped toward him with my hand outstretched. He took it in a firm grip, never breaking eye contact. This boy had guts and honor. It was something I appreciated in a man. Tipping my head in a quick gesture toward the door, I walked and he followed.

Speaking low, I told him he had no worries.

“You’re damn right I don’t. Because I don’t care how big you are, who your friends are, or what you do for a living, if you fuck with my sister and hurt her again, I will gladly kill you. She has given up too much already. She deserves to be happy.” He had balls, I’d give him that. And considering I had already planned to leave her alone, he really had no worries. I was just there for my son. Right?

“Son, I don’t take kindly to threats, but seeing as I have a sister of my own, I get where you’re coming from. My intention is not to hurt your sister, just to be a good father. Perhaps your words would be better suited for Hunter.” A snort escaped him, and he turned to leave. Watching him walk down the hall to the elevators, I couldn’t help but wonder if I could abide by my words and promise. Because damn if she didn’t stir primitive things in me that screamed she was mine. No matter what she or anyone else thought.

“Just Give Me a Reason”—Pink (feat. Nate Ruess)

AFTER MY BROTHER AND Erik’s family left, I was reeling. It was a lot to absorb. It was like by having Erik’s child, I had inherited his entire family regardless of the state of our personal relationship.

Erik and I spoke for a few minutes about Sebastian and his progress before we both sensed someone at the door. Hunter stood there with his shoulders hunched and his hands buried in the pockets of his jeans. “What are you doing here?” he asked Erik. Not who are you? But what are you doing here? Did he know him?

“Just leaving, man. We were just working out some details regarding Sebastian.” Hunter had let slip a small snort of disbelief, and I realized something was very wrong with him. Erik stood slowly, hiding his pain as best as he could, but I noticed. He gave me a smile and told me he would see me in the NICU later. Then he gave a head nod to Hunter as he brushed past him in the doorway where Hunter made no move to give him his space. Not that Erik let that bother him as he lightly shoulder checked Hunter in passing.

The room flooded with an uncomfortable silence. In all the months we had been together, I had never felt like that with him. It was weird and made me feel inexplicably sad. Yeah, something was very, very wrong.

As I watched him warily, he closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and then looked me in the eye. The pain in his eyes was evident, and I worried something had happened to his family back in Texas. Though he had moved here with his dad when he was twelve, his mom and the rest of his family—siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles and the rest—still lived somewhere in Texas. He never talked about what brought them here, just that he and his dad had moved here.

His dad had died a few years ago, and for whatever reason, he stayed. Despite having the option to go somewhere where he could make better money, he remained here in Podunk, Iowa. It was a subject we had never delved deep into because it seemed to shut him down anytime I brought it up.

“Hunter, you’re worrying me. What’s going on? Is it your family?”

“Aw hell, no, babe. They’re all good. At least last I heard.” He stepped closer to the bed, paused, then walked to the chair Erik had just vacated. He sat with what appeared to be the weight of the world on his shoulders. Scrubbing his face with his hands, he then dropped them to hang between his knees.

“Kassi… shit… this is harder than I thought it would be.” He looked upward, as if he was seeking answers from above. “Kassi, I love you. So fucking much it almost hurts.”

“Hunter, I—”

“No. Kassi, don’t. I need to do this.” His eyes met mine, their green color as dark as moss in a shaded forest. My heart hurt in anticipation of his words. Deep down I just knew what was coming, and it was like watching a train barreling down the tracks toward a stalled car, knowing you couldn’t reach it in time but that it was going to be catastrophic when it hit. “Baby, we both know I’m way more invested in this relationship than you are.” My head shook in denial. “I know it’s true, even if you don’t, but please don’t think I hold it against you. I’m not angry with you. Please don’t feel like you did anything wrong. If I was a man who could be happy with simply having you as his, I wouldn’t dream of letting you go. But I’m not. When I’m all-in, I want a woman who’s in just as deep as me. Let’s face it, baby, you’ve been treading water in this relationship, afraid and refusing to dive in because you’re still tethered to someone else.”

“Hunter, don’t say that. Yes, I’m still jumbled and confused inside, but you are such a wonderful man. I really do love you. You’re my best friend.” Tears began to run unchecked down my face. My heart, though he was right, hurt at the pain I saw in his eyes. Pain I caused because I was selfish and foolishly thought I could love him as much as he loved me, given time. It was in that moment I realized you can’t grow to love someone… it was either there or it wasn’t. Which led me to the realization that I would probably never love anyone and have them love me back like that, because I already did and he didn’t want me.

“There’s not a doubt in my mind that you love me, but not in the way that I need you to. This is no one’s fault, just bad luck or bad cosmic alignment.” His self-depreciating laugh tore at my insides. He was trying to make light of the situation, but I knew it was a devastating blow to him because he truly did love me. It made me feel like such a shitty person.

“I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to say. God, Hunter, this is why I didn’t want to even start anything because now I’m going to lose you as my friend, and that kills me. These last few months have been some of the best I’ve had. You have made me happy, I hope you don’t think you didn’t.” A sob slipped out at the despair I felt at losing his friendship and companionship. He had been an amazing friend, a kind and considerate lover, and he had treated me like a queen. For the hundredth time, I asked the powers that be why I couldn’t love him more. The problem was, I knew the answer to that: the same person that ate up nearly every thought in my head—the one who melted into my heart, filling in all the cracks until my heart felt whole and healed. Now I wouldn’t have either of them, and it was breaking me.

Jesus, that made me sound like such a selfish bitch.

“There’s a difference between happy and in love, Kassi. Call me a romantic fool, but I don’t want you to just be happy to be with me. I want you to be head over heels for me, just like I am for you and Sebastian. Fuck, it’s ripping me apart to realize he won’t be part of my life.” His head dropped, and he clenched his eyes tight. “He really felt like mine. It’s like losing my own child.”

“Hunter, don’t say that. I want you to still be a part of his life. You’re still my best friend.” He was already shaking his head. When he stood next to me, I scrambled to get up out of bed to stand in front of him. In a desperate attempt to hold onto the safety and comfort of the love I had selfishly absorbed and basked in without being able to reciprocate, I grasped his hands in mine.

Gently, he extracted one to brush my hair behind my ear. Then he tipped my chin up to look in his sorrowful eyes. Big, fat tears ran down my cheeks and over his hand. “Fucking Christ, I can’t believe I’m saying this,” he muttered. “You’re probably going to be scared, and I understand this will be difficult for you, but… fuck… arghhh… he loves you.”

In confusion, I looked at him like he was crazy. “What are you talking about?”

“Erik.” The name was spoken in defeat.

Shaking my head, I couldn’t believe he could even say that. He’d seen him once for all of ten seconds. What the hell? Pushing out my reply with bitter laughter, I shook my head in denial. “That’s where you’re wrong. He doesn’t want anything much to do with me outside of Sebastian. He’s being great about all that, but he was very clear that he doesn’t want the mom. He pushed me away over and over. I don’t need to be rejected again. Fuck that, and I can’t believe you could even say that. You don’t even know him.”

“I don’t need to know him to have seen the way he looks at you. There has to be a reason he pushed you away. For the life of me, I have no fucking clue what it could be, but it must be pretty significant to give up the chance with you. You’re a smart, kindhearted woman who happens to be drop-fucking-dead gorgeous. There isn’t a man in his right mind that wouldn’t want you, which is why I can tell you he has something very heavy on his plate. Talk to him. What I can tell you is things you could find out for yourself if you enter his name in Google. He was a Purple Heart Recipient while in the Marine Corps. That does something to a man in itself.” With difficulty, he swallowed as if there was a softball in his throat. “I need to go. If you really need me, you can contact me, but I’m going to be leaving, and I’m begging you to let me go. Clean break. Okay?” He tried to smile, but it came out lopsided and just… sad.

“Nooooooo…” the word tore out of me. The tears were torrents, and I felt like I was drowning in them. His lips brushed against my forehead, and I knew it would be the last time I ever felt them against my skin. Ever so carefully, he disentangled my fingers from his and removed my other hand from his forearm where I had clutched him tightly. My heart was breaking. For me, for him, and for Sebastian, who would never know how much this man had loved him and looked forward to his arrival. Stepping back, he broke our contact completely before turning away.

With his back to me as he walked away, he softly told me, “Take care of yourself and that baby boy.” As he stepped through the door, I was sure I heard him say, “I’ll always love you both.”

And he was gone.

“If Today Was Your Last Day”—Nickelback

TOMORROW I WOULD BE discharged. Thanks to my dad, I had a lucrative job here that would keep me busy until probably about the time Sebastian would be released from NICU. Well, as long as he continued to progress like he had been. The doctors were all really surprised and happy at how well he had been doing.

Not me. That was my son, and I knew he came from tough stock. That tiny boy was a fighter, and he started on day one. I wasn’t talking about the day he was born either. It still boggled my mind that through all the precautions we had taken, he still found a way to overcome it all to get here. Then he was dumped into this cold, hard world early and yet was surpassing all the expectations the medical professionals had of him.

Yep, he was definitely a Jaeger. Speaking of which, I wanted to make sure he had my last name on his fucking birth certificate. It didn’t matter to me how much of a stand-up guy this Hunter was, I wasn’t taking any chances of her marrying him and my son somehow ending up with his name. Fuck no.

Glancing at the clock, I realized it was almost time to go see my little man. He was the only reason I would continue to step foot in this hospital after I was discharged. My love for him far exceeded my hatred of hospitals. Okay, I’m fucking George Washington. I can’t tell a lie. That baby’s mom helped me tolerate this damn hospital too.

Fucking hell, how was I going to survive seeing her all the time? Not to mention having to see them together all the time. Fuck. What the hell would I do if she told me they were getting married? Not thinking about it. As my mom would say, “Don’t borrow trouble.”

Shoving my tray on the rolling table away from where I had sat in the chair to eat, I carefully stood and walked to the bathroom to brush my teeth and wash my hands. As I dried my hands, I caught my refection. My hair had gotten a little shaggy on top, and my beard was starting to really resemble a biker beard. Running my fingers through it, I shuffled through my toiletries bag the guys had grabbed and brought up here to me. I was going to scare the shit out of my son if I didn’t get it cleaned up.

Time to join the land of the living again.

Completing the now second nature routine prior to walking through the doors, I felt my heart began to race in anticipation. It had only been about four days since I had found out I had a son, but I loved him so fucking much it was insane. There was this crazy jumbled mixture of proud, excited, happy, nervous, and downright scared shitless roiling around in my guts. It just didn’t seem possible for one tiny human being to stir up so much emotion in a man. Did it make me a weak man? Fuck no, it didn’t. It made me a dad.

Though we didn’t usually get there for another twenty minutes or so because of dinner, I had rushed today because I just couldn’t wait. Not that Kassi would hold it against me, or be mad that I came without her, it was just kind of our time. Almost like a date, but I would never say that to her. But as I was buzzed through the doors, I got to Sebastian’s little bed to find her already there, our son cradled to her bare chest, covered by a blanket as she wept silent tears.

My instincts screamed to rush to her side to find out if he was okay, but seeing his little arm stretch and his tiny fingers flex, my heart settled down. My next thought was to ask her whose ass I needed to kick. Her face was blotchy, those gorgeous blue eyes were red and swollen, making the light blue stand out even more. She’d been crying awhile. What the actual fuck? But you wanna know something? She was still beautiful to me.

Wishing I could crouch down so she would be looking at me, but knowing I didn’t dare, I sat gingerly in the rocker that was still next to hers. Things were getting better, but hell if I still didn’t hurt like a mofo. Tonight, I had actually gotten my bad hand—that sounded funny—to grasp the fork to cut my chicken. Okay, so it wasn’t pretty because my grip was still compromised, it felt like a tremendous accomplishment. Hell, my tiny-as-hell son had a better grip than I did.

The doc had given me the okay to forego the sling unless it got overly tired. He said the more I moved it, the better, as long as I followed the physical therapist’s guidelines and didn’t overdo it.

My hand reached over to rest on her knee, gently so I didn’t startle her. Regardless of my good intentions, her eyes shot open and she pulled her lips between her teeth when she realized it was me. “Erik…,” she whispered through her soft sobs after she released those red lips on a huff.

“Kassi, baby, is everything okay?” The endearment slipped out, and I caught it afterward, but there was no taking it back. She didn’t seem to catch it though, so I just let it go.

“No. It’s not. He left.” The corners of her mouth tipped further down and trembled.

“Who left? I don’t understand. Sebastian’s okay, right?” I wasn’t sure who else she could be talking about. Her brother? No way… “Hunter?”

At her wobbly nod, I had to fight with every molecule of my being not to stand up and do a happy dance in front of her. Yeah, I was a dick. Sue me. At least I didn’t actually do it. Nope, I didn’t even crack a smile. Why? Because she was hurting and there was no way in hell I was going to kick her while she was down. No way I was risking pushing her away. Not when she was a single step closer to me and the possibility was now out there that I might be able to win her over.

“Fuck, babe. I’m sorry you’re hurting. Is there anything I can do?” Pull you and my son into my lap? Press my lips to yours? Hold you forever? Mentally slapping myself on the forehead, I reached deep and pulled out all the sympathy I had. Just for this girl. Because even though her hurt was because he left her, regardless of the whats and whys, she was still devastated, and that tore at my heart, shredding it bit by bit. It killed me to see her sad. It had been an all-too-common thing after I was a dumb fuck and pushed her away all those months ago. Looking back, had I not been such a fucking moron and kept watching out for her instead of telling myself she was better off with him, I would have known she was pregnant.

Shit, I had been stupid.

But that was now water under the bridge that I couldn’t capture. What I could do was be there for her. Every time I could. Like right the fuck now.

“Kassi, do you want to talk about it?” Her rapid “no” gesture jostled Sebastian ever so slightly but enough that he started to stretch and wiggle. She gave him a watery smile before focusing it on me. At just the slightest tip of those lips, my heart hammered in my chest. Before her, I would have swore the damn thing was dead behind my rib cage. Solid concrete. Now? It was tripping and flipping, and generally beating out of control at the littlest glimpse of her.

Have her flash a full-on smile, no matter how sad it was, and it was nearly bursting out of my body.

We sat in silence for a few minutes before she started telling me how well our son was doing. It was an obvious attempt at changing the subject, but I didn’t call her out on it. It was fine with me to let her take lead on this situation, and I would just be there for her.

According to his nurse, Kassi said we should plan on him being here until close to his due date. Shit, that was almost two months or more. Then she said lots of things factored into it, which could change that estimation. She said some babies went home earlier if they were meeting certain milestones and physiological competencies.

So his feeding ability needed to be such that he could grow appropriately, of course his respiratory system would have to be mature enough to have control of his own breathing, and he would need to be able to maintain adequate or normal body temps without the little gadgets they had in the hospital to keep him warm. Of course, there was no specific order to these, and they wouldn’t all necessarily happen at the same time either.

We talked for what seemed like hours, but I knew it was not nearly that long. She told me that she would be staying in the Ronald McDonald house for a while and that they were talking about letting her leave this place too, if her labs came back good tomorrow.

“I’m pretty sure there are more rooms available there. I could give you the info, if you want.” Fuck me, there was no way I could be that close to her and remain the gentlemen. Don’t get that twisted, I didn’t mean I would try to do anything with her sexually, I wasn’t stupid and I knew she was still healing. But I would want to hold her. Feel her heat against me in my bed at night. Rest my hand on the curve of her hip. Slide it under her shirt to cup her rounded breast. Just the thought of it was making my dick stiffen. Fuckin-A, I was a pervert thinking those thoughts with my son mere feet away! Hell, I was acting like he could hear and understand my thoughts. These two made me brain-dead, everything in me jumbled and all over the place.

“Well, I figure I’ll get a hotel room. After all, I’m going to be working too, and I don’t want to take up a room for a parent who needs it more than me.” The look on her face told me she thought I was sweet for my kind consideration of others. To me it was common sense. My parents raised all of us to look out for others. Part of the reason I was a great Marine.

We set a time to meet up in the NICU tomorrow after I discharged. Little did she know, she would be seeing me sooner than that.

“Chasing Cars”—Snow Patrol

ERIK GOT DISCHARGED A day before I did. He didn’t tell me where he was going, only that he would be staying around for both business and Sebastian. We had made a “date” to meet that first day he was discharged, but I would never call it that. He would probably trip out, and I wasn’t in a hurry to get mixed up with him emotionally.

About thirty minutes or so before I was supposed to head to the NICU, someone knocked on my door hidden behind the biggest, most beautiful bouquet of velvety red roses I’d ever seen. When I realized I’d seen those muscular legs somewhere before, a wry smile crept onto my face. What the hell was he doing?

“Delivery for a Ms. Donahue? It says she is a gorgeous brunette with the most beautiful ice-blue eyes. It says I’ll know her when I see her.” He peeked over the top of the big-ass bouquet and hell if I could hold in my giggle. He was ridiculous—and just what I needed to brighten my mood.

“You’re crazy, you know that?” With a smirk, he set them carefully on the deep windowsill.

That was the first day.

The next day he showed up to be my ride when I got discharged and helped me get settled in my room at the Ronald McDonald house.

Every day after that, he would swing by to pick me up, never letting me walk in the rain or alone. He was proving to be the sweet, considerate man I knew when we first talked that night so many months ago.

Of course, I wasn’t oblivious to what he was doing, but he was still carry something heavy and painful. I could see it in the shadows that always lurked in his blue-green eyes, despite his laughter, jokes meant to cheer me, and smiles.

The day after I had been discharged, my landlady, Nancy, had called and told me she didn’t want to see a penny of rent until I was able to go back to work. She said she felt bad that she hadn’t been able to make it up here to see me and it was her gift to us since she hadn’t gotten a baby gift yet. My tears had burst from the dam that day too. No matter how much I argued, she wouldn’t budge. Matt and I had been blessed when we drove past that house and I had scribbled down the number from the For Rent sign.

After about three weeks, Tom called me and told me to take the time off until Sebastian was released and that he would hold my position and utilize temps if he needed to at times we were short, which was weird because we were rarely short.

When I questioned him, he brushed it off until I had interrogated him enough to get it out of him that Hunter had given notice and then quit. My heart ached at the news because I felt the door slam on that part of my life for good. Tom, oblivious to my heartache, had laughed a little after I had gotten it out of him, and he had asked if I was in the right profession or if I should’ve been a lawyer, which had me laughing too, despite my sorrow in knowing Hunter had truly severed all ties between us.

At about the fifth week, Sebastian had a minor setback that extended his stay when we thought he might get to leave early. It was a devastating blow to me and Erik because he had been doing so well and we were hopeful he would be one of those that discharged earlier. Thankfully, he was in great hands, so that softened the blow a little.

During the seventh week, Matt had come up to get me to take me home to get some of my smaller clothes since I had been losing some of my baby fat, and so I could visit my OB to complete my six-week checkup.

“Everything looks great, all things considered,” she told me. “Don’t let this scare you for future pregnancies. Most women never experience a repeat abruption. Now, speaking of future pregnancies, what are we going to do for birth control? You know I am opposed to another IUD because we have already seen that, for whatever reason, they aren’t incredibly effective for you.” Her brows quirked.

Heat flooded my cheeks, and I laughed lightly. “Yeah, I don’t think I want to try that again anyway.” We decided I would just take the pill for now and look at other options later.

On the way back to Sioux Falls, Matt filled my ear full of all the crap the Marine recruiter had shoveled at him. We were still taking about it when we arrived back at the Ronald McDonald house. As we were walking up the sidewalk and I was telling him the Marine recruiter was full of shit and he was an asshole, I caught movement up on the porch. Erik stood from the porch swing and shoved his hands in his pockets.

“What’s this about a Marine recruiter?” His brow was furrowed, but he was trying not to laugh.

“She thinks this guy is blowing smoke up my ass, and I should go to college on the football scholarship I got, but she’s not listening that it’s not a full ride and we can’t afford to pay for board, books, fees, and all the other crap that goes along with it. If I do a single enlistment in the Marines, I can utilize the G.I Bill and even get a housing allowance for while I’m in school. But she’s tripping.” Matt was getting irritated at me, but I didn’t trust the recruiter guy.

“Let’s go kick his ass, Hacker.” That was when I realized I had missed Joker sprawled in one of the chairs on the porch. Squealing, I ran up the stairs and threw myself into his arms. He hugged my tight, lifting me off the ground. “Hey, chica. You miss me that much? Does this mean you have reconsidered being my girl?” He and I had gotten really close since the hospital. Behind us, I’m pretty sure I heard Erik growl and my brother laugh. Little did Erik know, he had nothing to worry about. Joker had become like a second brother to me.

Yeah, I still thought he was gorgeous, but it was more like I was proud of how handsome he was and the attention he attracted. I wasn’t one of the ones attracted. That didn’t mean he didn’t like fucking with Erik. With a smirk, I shook my head at him. “Stop it, you know you don’t want me and all my baggage.”

“Yeah, it would be a little weird telling my nephew I was marrying his mom. Poor kid might start thinking we were from the backwoods.” He chuckled.

“Okay, that’s enough. I know you think you’re funny, but I’m not laughing.” Erik was trying to act like he was unaffected, but even though we were just joking around, he didn’t like it. He was possessive of me and had spent nearly every minute he wasn’t working or with Sebastian, with me. He hadn’t come right out and asked, but he was doing everything in his power to get me to fall for his charms.

Little did he know, I already had, but I couldn’t let myself get hurt again. After the way he had rejected me, and then losing Hunter, it was too much and I just didn’t think I could handle having my heart broken again.

“I’ll tell you what, I have to be back in town on Thursday to take care of some things for a client. How about if two seasoned Marines go with him to talk to this recruiter? If we don’t like what he has to say, we pull him out and he agrees to go to college even if I have to help cover some of his expenses?” My mouth fell open at Erik’s words. He must be crazy.

“Hell-oooooo no!” I was really trying to curb my language so I wouldn’t teach my son he needed his fucking shoes or his shitty diaper changed. “You do not need to pay his expenses! That’s too much!” So yeah, I had found out that the little shit had made a deal with my landlady and he had been paying half my rent and she was eating the other half. I was pissed, but it was so thoughtful and sweet I didn’t have it in me to berate him too much, but this was too much. “No. It’s our responsibility, and I’ll figure it out.”

“Kass!” My brother and Erik had become pretty close over the last few weeks too, and now I felt outnumbered, between Joker smirking at me with his arms crossed, Erik looking at me with a raised brow and his arms crossed, and Matt looking at me with exasperation and awe at his new idol. “If they can’t help me at the recruiter’s office and things don’t work out, I promise I’ll go to college. It could be a loan, if he can cover it. I could pay him back. Come on, sis, compromise?”

“Ugh! You all are too much! Fine!” My hands thrown up in the air, I gave in.

Matt rushed to me, scooping me up like Joker had but swinging me around. My little brother should not be able to lift me. Sheesh!

“Thanks! You know I love you!” He gave me a big kiss on the cheek. “I need to get back on the road; I have work in the morning. You’re the best sister ever. You’re my favorite sister, but don’t tell anyone!” He was laughing as he unloaded my bag, which Erik promptly swooped up before I could, and then he got in the car and closed the door.

I yelled after him, “I’m your only sister, you shit! Argh! Now you made me swear!” Of course, they all laughed at me, and Matt pulled away from the curb with a wave.

“I gotta run too, sweets.” Joker hugged me again, and I kissed his cheek. A deep laugh burst from him when I heard, “Motherfucker! He’s gonna get his balls cut off if he doesn’t quit fucking with me,” muttered from Erik behind me.

Erik told me he would be right back. Then he and Joker walked off to stand by Joker’s shiny bike that looked fast as hell. They conferred quietly for a few minutes before Joker straddled the gleaming beast, slipped his matte-black helmet on, fastened it, and with a growl of his pipes and a head nod, he was roaring down the street.

After I finished waving down the road until I knew he couldn’t see me in his mirrors anymore—not that he was probably looking, but it was a habit I had gotten from my mom—I turned to see Erik tossing my bag in the back seat of his big truck. He had been heartbroken when they totaled his bike, but he hadn’t gotten a new one yet because his hand wasn’t at 100 percent, he said, and he wasn’t going to “look like a pussy” test-driving a new bike. He was such a nut, because I couldn’t tell a difference anymore. He had healed up amazingly considering how he had looked the night he rolled into the Emergency Department that night in May.

“Hey, I was going to take that to my room.”

“Not yet, I’m taking you to dinner.” He smiled that gorgeous, dimpled smile and my heart fluttered. That smile would slay me every damn time. It wasn’t fair.

“Oh really?” It was my turn to cross my arms. “What if I don’t want to go to dinner with you?” Which was stupid, because we had eaten dinner together every night whether I cooked a little meal here, we ate out, or he picked up food and we picnicked somewhere. We would swing by to spend time caring for and loving on our amazing little man, and then he would drop me off. Sometimes we would sit in his truck and talk for hours, sometimes we would sit on the porch.

He pulled me close in his arms. My whole body tingled head to toe from being so close to him, just like it always did. He was personally responsible for ruining more panties than I could count, and he had no idea. Or at least I was pretty sure he didn’t know….

“Kassi, will you please have dinner with me? Make me a happy man and share dinner with me. Please?” Ugh!

“Stop with the eyes, and the tattoos, and the dimples, and that voice, and the messy sexy hair, and the… well, the rest of it.” He never pushed, and he was always a gentleman, but this wasn’t the first time I had felt his hard length pressed against me. He wanted me, but he hadn’t made a move to instigate anything but a few chaste kisses. Even though I was still recuperating, he had me so wound up I had to wonder if that was his nefarious plan. To get me so damn hot for him I threw myself at him and begged him to take me.

“So, you still think I’m sexy. Good to know.” He gave me that gorgeous grin with his dimple in full force. Yep, so damn unfair! Of course, I gave in.

With his signature gallantry where I was concerned, he helped me up into the cab of his badass truck. After ensuring I was safely ensconced in his beast’s seat, he closed the door and made his way to the driver’s side. His muscles in his arms flexed and rippled as he hefted himself up into the driver’s seat.

Just when I thought we were leaving, he turned to me, cupping his calloused hand on my cheek. “You’re so fucking beautiful. I wanted to do this right, but you fucking take the breath right out of my lungs every time I look at you… Kassi, I’ll try to do better, do things right this time. Hell, I’m not gonna blow smoke up your ass, it’s going to be difficult for me. Opening up, I mean. But for you? For you I’ll try. Okay?” Pulling my bottom lip between my teeth, I nodded. I simply didn’t trust myself with words. “In case you haven’t noticed, I’ve been doing my best to woo you.”

“Woo me, huh?” Despite trying to be stern with him and not smile, he was so damn cute, I couldn’t help it. “Look, I know—”

“Nope. No arguments right now. We’re going to go have a nice dinner, love the hell out of our son, and that’s that. Besides, I just finished up that job my dad had referred me for, and I want to celebrate. So, this is a night of celebration. No negativity allowed for tonight.”

Laughter bubbled up from my belly. “No negativity allowed. Okay. Deal.” With an answering grin, he put the truck in drive and we headed to the restaurant.

Dinner was amazing, and the company was even better. This man knew how to make me laugh, and he really did make me happy, but I was so afraid of him changing his mind, and my heart was still so fragile.

The waitress had just asked us if we wanted dessert when a voice I could have lived the rest of my life without hearing sounded from behind me, and I froze with my water glass halfway to my lips.

“Erik! Imagine meeting you here! Is this your little friend from the hospital? What’s her name? Candy?” Layla’s voice was laced with sickeningly sweet saccharin. Holding in the huff of breath I wanted to expel, I looked up at her and smiled a tight-lipped smile.

“It’s Kassi. How are you, Lilly?” Yeah, I fucking knew her name, but two could play that game. Dumb c—ugh! She was making me want to call her a name I hated. At my snub, her brown eyes narrowed, and she sneered at me behind the hair she allowed to drop forward, shielding her expression from Erik.

She then widened her eyes and turned toward him with the biggest doe eyes I’d ever seen. Fake bitch. “Good, thank you. Umm, Erik, could I have a word? It’s really important. You don’t mind do you, Cand—uh, Kassi?”

Erik was on the verge of telling her no, but I wanted him to talk to her and tell her to leave us the fuck alone. “He could probably spare a few minutes, but then if you don’t mind, we would like to finish our date night together.” His eyes flared at either my encouragement of their conversation or my calling this a date. But when he stood to go talk to her, I clasped his hand in mine, drawing him close. Being a total bitch myself, I kissed him, allowing the tip of my tongue to snake alone his lower lip. His sudden intake of breath flared his nostrils, and his eyes snapped open to look at me in shock. It was the first time since Sebastian had been born that I had initiated any sexual affection. “Hurry back, baby.” Then I added under my breath so only he could hear, “Get her the hell out of our lives.”

“Oh, don’t you worry, baby, I plan on it.” He then followed her toward the door of the restaurant, and I watched as she sashayed her perfectly round ass in front of him. Her red-bottom heels peeked with each step, and I hated her more with each of these steps. I had no idea how much more I could hate her, but I was about to find out.

“Coming Undone”—Korn

THE LAST FUCKING THING I wanted to do was talk to the bitch in front of me. But Kassi was right, I needed to get her out of our lives for good. Shit, it had been over eight years and suddenly her ass was back in my life after being radio silent that whole time. Who would have thought that would even be an issue?

“Erik, I have something for you. I’ve saved it all these years, and I thought you might like it. It’s in my car.” She glanced over her shoulder, in what I could only assume she thought was an alluring pose as she stepped out the restaurant doors.

Frustration laced my words. “Fine. Can we get this wrapped up? My girl is waiting for me.” This wasn’t playing a game. Kassi was my girl, she just hadn’t admitted it yet.

We stopped next to a polar-white Mercedes. I had to wonder if this was bought with daddy’s money or if she had suckered some poor fool into buying it for her. Because despite her being a business major when we were in college, I knew from my recent research in trying to figure out her game that she really never did anything with her degree. She just lived off Daddy’s money and flitted from rich boyfriend to rich boyfriend.

Opening the back door, she leaned ridiculously far in as she stuck her ass in the air in front of me, causing her black dress to creep up the back of her thighs. Averting my eyes because I refused to give her any ammo to use as encouragement or to throw back at me, left me completely and totally unprepared for what she brought out from the back seat.

She stood clutching a fuzzy pink blanket to her chest, and my heart plummeted. My body took an involuntary step back. No.

“Erik… we loved each other once. We created something special, and we lost it. But I’ve never forgotten you over the years, and I’ve come to realize what a mistake I made in pushing you away. I now realize it was my grief driving my actions. I still love you, Erik. You can’t tell me you’ve forgotten all our times together. Please, give me another chance to repair our relationship. We’re both older, more mature… It could work, baby. We could have a family. Start over.”

Her heavily made-up eyes fluttered innocently at me, but I knew she was no innocent and it was all an act. Her next words confirmed it, and her motive finally became clear. “Your sister-in-law said your security business is very successful. We would make a good team. I could be the face of your business, run the business side of it while you concentrated on the technical side.” It was always about money and status with her. Then what came out of her mouth made me want to wrap my fingers around her lily-white throat.

“Surely that woman and her bastard baby aren’t really that important to you. How do you even know it’s your baby? I did a little research too. She was with someone else this whole time she was pregnant. It’s probably his little by-blow, but she’s trying to pass it off as yours because you have more money if she can dig her claws in you.”

Letting out a disgusted laugh, I stepped further back. “You are incredible. You really have no clue I know what you did, do you? Maybe you should ask your friend Destiny. Remember? The one you went home with that weekend.” At the look of shock on her face, I turned from her in absolute revulsion. Clutching the small blanket in my fist, I stepped forward. Then, thinking better of it, I turned back around. “And, Layla? Stay the fuck away from me and my family. If I ever see you again or hear of you talking to any of them, I will ruin you. You know I have the ability. If you see any of them even walking your direction, turn the other way. Don’t even fucking say ‘hi’ to them. And so help me God, if you come anywhere near my son or Kassi, I will kill you with my bare hands. You feel me?” Her face had washed to white, making her bright red lips stand out like Jack Nicholson as the Joker. “Goodbye.”

With that, I turned on my heel and headed back to my future. The only future I wanted. The one I was prepared to move heaven and earth to obtain.

Forgetting I still clutched the soft pink material in my hand, Kassi’s expression of horror didn’t register with me as I tossed some bills on the table. “Come on, let’s get the hell out of here.”

“What did she say?” Her small voice trailed behind me as I nearly drug her out to my truck. Boosting her up inside, I quickly made my way around to the driver’s side and pulled out of the parking lot like there was a raging ball of fire on our ass.

“Erik? You’re scaring me. Please talk to me. We agreed you would try to talk to me, right?” At the feel of her smaller hand on mine where it rested on the steering wheel, I jumped. “Did she come to tell you she has your baby? Is that what that blanket is? Do you have another child?” At her words, rage and despair let loose and exploded from me.

“No! Okay? She certainly didn’t have my baby.” Blind to her hurt, I drove on, focused only on getting to hospital. To see my son. To hold my baby. To remind myself he was here… he was real and alive.

Why she didn’t leave me when we got there and made our way to our son’s plastic basinet, I’ll never know. Maybe she was watching me. Worried and waiting to see if I was crazy. As crazy as I felt in my head on so many occasions.

Once I had his small form snuggled against my chest, his ear pressed to the rapid beat of my heart, she spoke. “He’s okay, you know. He’s doing great now, and he’s nearly ready to go home. The nurses told me the doctor said a few more days and we could be taking him home. I called since I couldn’t make my visit today because I was home.” Looking into her soft blue gaze, I allowed her voice and her beauty calm me. Between the scent and feel of Sebastian, his wiggling little grunts, and Kassi, I was grounded once again. Would she ever understand what she did for me?

Placing a kiss on my son’s head, I thought of what a blessing he was and how she had given me this precious gift. The powers that be had seen fit to allow the small miracle to be in my arms, but she had made that choice. The choice to keep him and raise him even thinking I would be absent from his life.

That was when I realized I needed to bring her back with me to my hotel. To a small piece of paper and a painful story of the guilt eating me alive from the inside.

Thankfully, she agreed to go with me with very little explanation. It was going to be a difficult story to tell, and I didn’t want to be driving or have witnesses besides her. It would be hard enough if I broke down in front of her.

Dropping my wallet and room key haphazardly on the dresser, I forged on to the bed and to the table next to it. In resignation, I sat on the edge of the bed and pulled open the single drawer where I had placed the worn scrap of paper. The same place it rested when I was at the clubhouse. It had never gone home with me, because to bring it in my house was too hard. It made me worried I would drown myself in my sorrows, alone in my house with no one to pull me back out.

Over the years, I had tried to look at it less and less. The stabbing agony I used to feel had been replaced with a dull ache, but it still hurt. Thumbing the frayed edge, I looked up at her and held out my hand. The paper fluttered slightly as my outstretched hand trembled. Her gaze took in the shaking paper, and she then looked in my eyes.

Our fingertips touched, and the same electric current zapped me straight to the heart. Letting go of that paper was one of the hardest things I ever did. She stared at me for a few seconds before her eyes dropped to look at what she held. Watching her, I saw her eyes widen, her pupils dilate, and her hand covered her mouth.

“This is an ultrasound. I mean, uh, that was dumb, you know that. Shit, I—oh, Erik. What happened?”

Digging my fingers into my hair and clenching it tight, I prepared the best I could and told her of my guilt. My pain that was born of that guilt…

Closing down my emotions, I tried to recite the story quickly to get it out as quickly as possible. Talking about it shredded me, which was why I had only told this story twice, now that my mom knew.

“It was the summer before our senior year at the University of Iowa. Layla came to me crying. She was distraught. Sobbing. Hysterical. She told me she was pregnant. I told her it was okay, we would figure things out. We talked about it, and we decide we would get married, we would finish school, and I would complete my internship with Dell in Austin, TX so I would be able to get a job with them.” Taking a deep breath, I continued.

“We had gotten married at the courthouse. We didn’t even tell our parents, but I wanted my baby to have my name. Thanksgiving came, and she wanted to go home to her family in Omaha, and I had planned to go home to mine. I had wanted her to go with me, but she had cried and said she missed her mom, so I told her it was okay, to go home.”

My body became restless, and I had to stand. Pacing, I resumed this ugly story that was certainly not a fairy tale. “We get back to school, and she is pale, withdrawn and doesn’t want to talk to me. Finally, I get out of her that she miscarried over Thanksgiving. It nearly broke me, but I held her. I fucking held her and told her it would be okay, we were young. We would have more children when it was time. Then a few weeks later, I found out she had been cheating on me, that it may not even have been my baby. I didn’t believe it. Not the cheating part, but that it wasn’t mine. I was so sure it was my baby girl. It just felt right. Until she was gone, anyway. Then Layla’s friend Destiny came to me. She was so upset, and she told me I needed to know the truth. The truth was that Layla had never had a miscarriage. She had found a clinic that did late-term abortions.” My intake of breath was ragged and tortured.

“She didn’t want to be tied to me. She didn’t want to get stretch-marks and have to take care of a baby while she was young and supposed to be enjoying life. She didn’t want to be married to a poor computer geek. It devastated me. Part of me was angry as fuck at Destiny for telling me, but the other part was so glad she had saved me from spending another minute with the lying, deceitful bitch. So, I filed for divorce. It was uncontested, and it was over before I knew it. The day I had the divorce papers in hand, I withdrew from my classes and joined the Marine Corps. I was a mess, and I wanted a way to get away from everything. What better way than to join an institution whose job it was to put their lives on the line.” Stopping to stare out the window, I folded my hands and rested them on top of my head as I gazed sightlessly at the summer scenery outside my window.

“What I hadn’t expected was to find some guys that I would lay my life on the line for. One of those men was Kayde… Joker. He’s the only one I told this story to back then. I hadn’t even told my family. One night while we were restless and doing nothing but waiting, I spilled my guts to him and told him all of this. He encouraged me to talk to our shrink, but I refused. During my last deployment, we were on a mission and I was shot. I thought God had answered my prayers and was taking me home. Not to my family, but to him and my baby.” Briefly, I told her the story of the bombing and trying to save the child who would end up dying in my arms.

“Instead, even though I had failed them all, I survived. It was all my fault. I hadn’t been good enough for Layla to want to have a baby with, and I wasn’t good enough to save that child or any of the others being held hostage in that shitty town. So, I told myself I wasn’t good enough to try again to be a father or a husband. I beat myself up about it and avoided any sort of relationship other than the occasional sexual encounter. Until you. You were the first girl to make me want more. To make me want to be a better man. To take a chance. But I was so fucking scared, so I pushed you away. By the time I realized how bad I fucked up, you were with Hunter.”

Arms wound around my torso from behind, and out of the instinct I still couldn’t shake, I reacted before thinking and spun around. Realizing what I had done, I grabbed her before she could bolt and pressed her body to mine. My hand cradled her head against my chest, much as I had done our son earlier in the hospital. Silence reigned for an indeterminable amount of time.

It felt so damn good to have her in my arms like this, I just closed my eyes and soaked it in. But she pulled back to raise on her tiptoes and pressed her lips to mine. Like always, a few soft brushes of our lips together and we were consumed with the licking, snapping flames of desire.

Groaning into her mouth, I swooped her up, wrapping her legs around my waist, and carried her to the bed. Breaking away only long enough to rip her clothes off, I laid her down and worshiped her body with my tongue and hands. Her body was my temple, and I prayed.

Biting her nipple through her lacy pink bra before sucking it fabric and all into my mouth, I left a wet circle around her dusky bud. It protruded out at me, and I reached under her to unclasp it so I could reach the other one unhindered. My mouth found its way around her breast, nipping and licking all the way around the curve. When I took her nipple in my mouth, I completely forgot she had been breastfeeding, and the overly sweet hint that spread across my tongue was a shock and, truth be told, a really big fucking turn-on. But that was for my son, so I left her nipples puckered and waiting, tiny, pearly drops resting on the tips.

My teeth and tongue made their way down her body, reveling in the fuller curves I revealed as I slowly rolled her leggings and panties off as one. The tip of my tongue traced the sparse and few stretch-marks she wore like a badge of honor. My lips caressed and kissed each and every one as I thanked her for our son and whispered to her how beautiful she was. Finally, I reached my destination, and my lips hovered over the dark curves of the pussy that would be mine. She shivered as my breath floated across her glistening lips, and I inhaled the scent of her arousal. God, I had missed that smell, the feel of her in my hands, the taste of her skin.

My tongue snaked out, and the pointed tip flicked the hood of her clit, eliciting a feral moan, and she arched up toward me. Smiling in triumph at the way her body responded to me, I flicked again before stopping and gazing up at her. Light blue eyes gazed at me with heavy lids, and full lips pouted as I hovered above her, building the anticipation, the need she had.

“What do you want?”

“You,” came her breathless reply. She was like a goddess spread out on the bed, magnificent chest heaving with desire, dark silken hair spread out over the crisp white sheets, her arms bent at the elbows and laying with her hands curled and holding the sheets in each fist. By this time, she was nearly panting.

“Then tell me whose pussy this is.” My middle finger slid into her slippery, wet heat, and I felt her tighten around me, so I slipped a second finger in and she mewled as her back arched off the bed. “Tell me.” Demand was heavy in my voice.

“Yours. Oh, sweet fucking hell, Erik, it’s yours. Please.” The complete capitulation in her tone was music to my ears. She was mine. Body, heart, and soul, and I would get her to admit every one before I was through.

“Every inch of this body is mine. No man will ever lay his hands on it again, because I’m never letting you go. Not again. Do you understand?” My fingers slid in and out in a slow rhythm as I spoke to her, my breath teasing across her skin.

“Yesss,” she hissed through clenched teeth.

Grabbing her clit between my lips, I sucked as I pumped my fingers in her tightening pussy, curling them as I withdrew. Her hands latched onto my hair, and she pressed me tight to her wet heat. Flattening my tongue, I continued to lick, bite, and suck her clit while working that pussy until she tensed her body, shouted, and I felt the spasms around my fingers and tasted the flood of her juices as they washed across my hand. Softly, reverently, I placed a kiss to the arch of her pubic bone.

Crawling up her body, I allowed the friction of my clothes to amplify the sensitivity of her skin. When I had at last reached her to the point we were face to face, I slid my hand free of her still clenching channel and raised it to her lips. First, I painted her lips with her own release. Because I wanted her to taste how sweet she was and because I wanted the taste of her pussy to remain on my own. Then I kissed her with all of the pent-up passion I had been carrying for months. Her fingers clawed at my shoulders and grasped my clothing as she franticly tugged and plucked at them. Pinned between us as they were, she couldn’t remove them, and I knew that was for the best.

“God, Erik, I want you so bad.” Her whimpered sentence was music to my ears, but the timing was so shitty I wanted to weep.

“Jesus, fuck, Kassi, I want to bury my cock in you. But we can’t yet. You have to wait. How much longer? Because I’ll keep pleasuring you every day with my hands and mouth until we can.” My own voice was gasping and strained. Holding back was taking everything I had, and I gritted my teeth at the throbbing ache pressed against the zipper of my jeans.

“No! I mean, yes! Ugh! I mean, that’s what I went home for. To see my doctor. She said I’m good. We’re good. It’s okay. Now.” Her stuttered sentences were proof of how her pleasure had puddled her brain. My ego inflated at how well satiated she appeared, yet how much she still wanted me.

When what she said registered in my own lust-muddled brain, I froze momentarily. “Are you serious?” Nodding her head, she grinned. Oh, holy Jesus. Hastily, I jumped up and dug through my toiletries bag to look for a condom. Surely I still had one in here somewhere. I always kept some in there. Wrapping my fingers around the familiar feel of the packaging, I pulled it out in triumph and returned to the bed where I knelt between her spread legs.

Realizing I was still dressed, I stood, stripped, tossing my clothes wherever they landed, and resumed my place between her thighs.

Rolling the condom down my considerable length, I watched her tongue slide out and trace over her bottom lip. Stroking myself twice, I then grasped my dick in hand and slid the tip through her glistening-wet, pink slice of sweet heaven. Spreading her legs further and raising her knees so I had a better angle, she beckoned me further.

Without hesitation, I inched inside, concerned I would hurt her. I needn’t have worried because she dug her heels into my ass and pulled me forward in one swift thrust. “Jesus effing Christ.” It had been so long for both of us, and she was tight as fuck, which caused me to swell even more in her, filling her up tight and nearly strangling my cock.

“Holy shit!” Her eyes rolled. “Ohmahfuckingod. Yesss. Erik. Yes…” Lowering myself above her so her breasts brushed against my chest, my body held steady with my weight on my forearms, my lips whispered against hers. We breathed in each other’s air with each thrust. Her nails scratched my shoulders, and then her head shifted and her teeth latched onto the corded muscle of my neck. With a muffled scream, and her core pulsing around my junk, I felt her climax wash over her. And that was the end of my control.

Pounding into her still convulsing center, my body ran on autopilot, instinctually seeking the explosive reward at the end of the race. Each stroke was more sensitive, causing a tingling tightness to start in my lower spine and rush to my groin as if it was a dam bursting under pressure.

“Fuuuuuuck!” Was the only word my mouth could form as I threw my head back and roared to the ceiling. The pleasure pulsing in my dick slowly ebbed, and my brain function began to reconstitute.

Trying not to smash her with my weight, I rolled over but pulled her with me to keep her close. Immediately curling into the side of my body, she tucked one arm up next to my ribs and wrapped her other around my middle. Long, dark hair puddled in the crook of my arm as I held her and she rested her cheek on my chest.

In a move that spun déjà vu through my head, she propped her chin on my chest and traced my ink. As she outlined the date and phrase over my heart, she spoke softly. “I wondered what this meant before. Is it the date you lost her?” There were no words for how I felt when she pressed her lips firmly to the tattoo after I told her yes. “You need to forgive yourself for these things you feel are your fault, Erik. They were out of your control. To carry guilt for it is going to tear you apart. And, I know it’s not the same, and we never replace anyone, but I hope Sebastian can give you comfort and joy in the absence of her.”

Pressing my lips to the top of her head, I smiled. “I’m over the moon with happiness regarding our son. The rest, I don’t know if I can.”

“What Ifs”—Kane Brown (feat. Lauren Alaina)

MY MIND WAS STILL struggling to process everything he told me. He was so damaged from all the events that were not his fault. He blamed himself and believed he hadn’t been good enough. How was I supposed to work with that and get him to forgive himself? It was easy to tell him he needed to, but the how was where I was stuck. He needed therapy, but he was so proud, I knew it may be a struggle to get him to agree to.

Until then though, I wasn’t sure we would ever be able to work. If he forever thought he wasn’t good enough for me, eventually he would end up leaving me because of his feelings of inadequacy. Add that to the fact I was already gun-shy with him, and it was a recipe for disaster.

“You’re quiet. You okay?” His voice rumbled through my head where I had rested my cheek back against his chest. Fingers still idly tracing his ink as an excuse to touch him, I hesitated, unsure how to truthfully answer that.

“I don’t know. I’m worried we messed up. Doing this, I mean. Are we rushing things? I’m not sure this was a smart move. What if things go to shit? How do we work that when we have Sebastian to consider?” The what-ifs bombarded me nonstop.

“Kassi.” He squeezed me tight in his arms before letting up and kissing me again. “Stop overthinking everything. We’ll both always be his parents regardless of where we’re at relationship-wise. If there’s anything I’ve figured out, it’s that we can’t live our lives constantly wondering what-if, or we won’t live at all. That was part of what got us here in the first place—me being afraid to trust and open up to you or anyone. Being vulnerable is never a feeling we want to experience. There isn’t a question in my mind that I love you, but I’d be lying if I told you I was 100 percent ready and comfortable letting you in on my every thought and fear. That will take time, but I’m willing to try. Are you?”

Sitting up next to him with my legs tucked to the side, I chewed relentlessly on my bottom lip. “But what if you hurt me? Erik, I just don’t think I can physically take that again.” He gently took my face in his hand and pulled me forward to make me look at him. The movement caused my necklace to swing, catching his eye. His small smile caused his dimple to barely show, but it was there. His calloused fingers lifted it from my chest, causing goose bumps to spread along my skin like a wave.

“It was a gift.” My fingers habitually stroked it between my thumb and fingers. It had become a comfort to me, and it was a coping mechanism when I was worried or angry. Kind of like a worry stone.

“I know.” His quiet reply caught me off guard, and I had to ask…

“How do you know?” At his continued mysterious smile, it clicked. “It was you, wasn’t it? You thought of me back then and bought this for me. Why? Why didn’t you just give it to me?”

“Because I was scared. I was afraid of getting hurt. Do you see now? Look at all the time we wasted because I was afraid. Do you want to do that again, or do you want to take a chance and live?” My heart hammered in my chest. The thought of losing him was even more frightening than when I lost Hunter. But the thought of never having him at all eviscerated me. He had become that important to me over the last several weeks. Watching him interact and care for our son had cemented my love for him in my heart, so what he said made sense. Regardless of what happened in the future, he would always be a great dad, I would hopefully be a great mom, and I would always love him.

Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t foolish enough to believe for a second we wouldn’t have issues or arguments. However, the alternative—having nothing at all together—was a far worse prospect.

“Erik, I’m terrified. Why does life and love have to be so complicated?” My smile was wry, and I shook my head at myself. “I’ll tell you what. I’ll make a deal with you. We work on you letting go of this blame you feel obligated to carry, and I’ll agree to giving us a shot. Because I love you too, and I’m tired of being afraid to live.” He swooped me up until I was straddling his lap and he was looking me in the eyes. His big hands framed my face, and he kissed me with such love and passion I nearly cried.

“We’re going to be just fine. We’ll have each other and our little man. Our family. I fucking love you!” His smile reached his eyes, which shone bright teal with happiness.

“Well, that’s good because I fucking love you too.” He laughed and held my body close to his. As I squeezed my eyes shut with my head tucked into his shoulder, the smell of my mother’s perfume wafted through the room. A single tear slipped from my eye. Thank you, Mom. I’m glad you approve. I miss you and I love you.

“Do you smell that?”

“Mm-hmm.” I nodded into his shoulder.

“What is that? I smelled that when I was in the hospital right after the accident. It woke me up, and I saw you. You were beautiful and pregnant. I tried to catch you, but you slipped away, and then the next thing I knew I was in the damn ICU. Isn’t that weird? Now it’s gone.”

It was then I knew my parents weren’t really gone, our relationship was just different now. My heart soared, and for the first time in a long time, my world felt right.

Erik nuzzled my neck and pulled me tight against his hardening length. “Again?” My surprise made him laugh.

“Mmmm, always with you.”

WE BROUGHT LITTLE SEBASTIAN home five days before his original due date. His doctors were pleased with his progress, but his nurses were so sad to see him go. He had easily become one of their favorite tiny patients. Nurse Amanda sat on a bench at the front of the hospital with me and all of Sebastian’s belongings on a cart.

“We’re going to miss you, little guy!” Her fingers waved at him and he watched their movement in rapt fascination.

“I can’t thank you all enough. It’s because of all of you that he’s done so well.” My words were emphatic as I truly believed that to be the case.

She waved me off, shaking her head, but I could see she was choked up.

He road in his infant car seat, which still nearly swallowed him, but I swore he was observant of everything around him as he was moved from my lap to the base in the back seat of his daddy’s big truck. His little black beanie with a skull embroidered on the front proclaimed him a “Baby Badass” and his little pumping fist when Daddy asked him if he was ready to go home would lead one to believe this was indeed the case.

“See? His hat is totally fitting. Look at my little badass baby boy!” The last was said in a sing-song voice that had me busting a gut. Amanda joined me in laughter as I climbed in the truck next to Sebastian in the back seat. It was his first ride in the truck and I couldn’t stand being even as far away as the front seat from him. Erik wisely said nothing.

Life was busy, but amazing.

We moved into Erik’s house since it was bigger, but “Grandma Nancy” still came to visit often, even though she was upset at me for leaving her for “that big handsome stud on a motorcycle.” Which speaking of, Erik was over the moon when I surprised him with a hand-drawn voucher for the bike of his choice as long as I got to ride it home with him and got a fancy helmet like my new friend Becca had.

By the time a few years had passed, we already had two other kiddos—a pretty little girl with big teal eyes and dark wavy hair we named Emilia Rhiannon, and a rambunctious little baby boy with his my eyes, we named Morgan Rhys. They were true stair-step kiddos, and I felt like a walking baby factory because I had nearly been pregnant the last three plus years straight.

It turned out birth control didn’t work for us. At all. Either Mommy was a “fertile Myrtle” or Daddy had some “badass swimmers” (his words), so after we found out Morgan was on the way, Daddy told the doc to schedule the old “snip-snip,” he was done. Though I loved all of my little people, Mommy was extremely pleased with the decision.

And how has Erik handled his guilt issues? Well, therapy helped, but he would tell you he feels his children and his “loving wife” have been the reason for his absolution. Yes, we got married. Almost right away because he said he wasn’t letting me get away, again. Anyway, he said he figured the powers that be wouldn’t have blessed him with the wonderful family we had, if he hadn’t been deserving.

It’s been a great life so far… not perfect, but perfect for us.

The End

Spanish Translation Key

¿Qué carajo?—What the hell?

¡Jesús!—Jesus or Christ

¡Este güey me va a dar un cardiaco!—This fool is going to give me a heart attack!

¡Que Mierda!—What the hell; Oh Shit

!Chingados!—Shit/Fuck (Interjection)

!Ay chingado!—Oh fuck

¡Ay, Dios mio!—My God

¡Esta es una cagada!—this is shit

Word from the Author and Preview:

Word From the Author:

I hope you enjoyed Erik and Kassi’s story. It was a very different experience to write. It had me stumped at times, and at others, I couldn’t get the words typed out fast enough. If you loved it, please leave a review on Amazon, www.goodreads.com, allauthor.com, bookbub.com, barnesandnoble.com, or your review platform of choice.

Now, I’m sure you expected to get another preview. The thing is, when I wrote this book, I didn’t know which book I wanted to release next. I had actually started another series, but then Joker (Kayde) demanded his story be told. Before I knew it, I had a back story and ideas swirling around in my head. The problem was, when it came time to add it to the excerpt to the back, I wasn’t ready. So instead, I invite you to follow my author page on Facebook, www.facebook.com/kristineallenauthor or my facebook grouper the ladies, Kristine’s Crazy Fangirls, where you will find teasers and info about Kayde’s Temptation as I write. Then, check out my website when you get a chance! www.kristineallenauthor.com

Thank you, once again, for your amazing support and encouraging words. Without you all, I wouldn’t be an author, just a writer.

Now, just a little overview of what to expect with Kayde’s story….

Kayde joined the Marine Corps after high school, part as a family tradition of honor and part as an escape. His best friend was also the one he had loved nearly his entire life. She never knew, though, and he never told her because she had never looked at him that way. On graduation day, she announced she was marrying her high school crush, one of his best friends. He knew there was no way he could stay around and watch them together, even though he had promised to always be there for her. It would only lead to him coveting what he couldn’t have - she would be a temptation he would kill himself trying to resist. So he joined the Marine Corps, left for boot camp - and didn’t look back.

Serafina and Kayde had become best friends the day he moved in next door when she was only three years old. She had taken for granted that they would be friends forever, so when he announced he was joining the Marines after graduation, she was broken-hearted. She was sure he would be hurt or killed and begged him not to go. The thought of not having him in her life to confide in and protect her, was physically painful but she never stopped to analyze why this tore her apart so badly. When her life spirals out of control, she reaches out to Kayde, unsure if he will still help her.

Enjoy a chapter from Kayde’s mind, just keep in mind this is very rough and may change by the final edit ;) .…

I was only five the first time my parents dropped me off at my Abuela’s house in San Antonio, TX. Bet you didn’t see that coming, huh? Yes, I’m part Hispanic. The gray eyes and light skin throws people every time. Abuela called me her little güero. You see, my grandfather—my Papa—was a big tall gray-eyed man of Norwegian decent, and when he met my tiny little Mexican grandmother, it was love at first sight. At least that’s what he told me and anyone else who would listen. So I had obviously inherited his and my father’s caucasian complexion instead of my grandmother’s Mexican and Native American coloring. Hence güero…her little light-colored boy. Don’t mistake it for a slur, it was definitely a term of endearment.

One of my favorite pastimes as a little boy was looking through her old photo albums. The pictures of the two of them always made me giggle. Him so tall and her so short—“vertically challenged” he used to call it. They ended up being more my parents than my own, and it broke my grandfather’s heart.

My mother was their daughter. Their only daughter. One thing I remember about her is she was beautiful. Her exotic features turned heads everywhere she went from the time she was a little girl, my Abuela always said, and she believed that was my mother’s downfall. They also had five strapping boys, my uncles, Alejando, Matías, Samuel, Javier, and Gunnar. With Gunnar, my grandfather got his way and gave him a “strong Norwegian name.” Don’t confuse that and think that meant he loved any of them any less.

Anyway, I digress. My father was a wanderer. A dreamer. A “Wanna-Be Musician.” He was handsome, but had no real ambition, content to travel here and there playing for enough money to get him to the next gig—sure that he would be discovered and “make it big.” He was more interested in smoking weed and dreaming than anything, but I guess he loved my mother because after they met at a college party—where he was playing with the band he was with at the time, not going to school—she got pregnant so they eloped and they’re still married to this day. Not that I ever see them.

Becoming parents may have been the reason they got married, yeah, little ol’ me was on the way, but they really had no interest in actually fulfilling the role. So I saw more cities, in more states, in the first five years of my life than most people see in their lifetime. Then again, I also saw a lot of things a kid my age shouldn’t have, but back then I didn’t realize my life wasn’t normal, it just was. But once I turned five and they got in trouble for me not being in school, we found ourselves on my grandparents’ doorstep.

There may be a lot of things I don’t remember about my childhood, but that day—I remember a lot of that day. It may have been the day my life changed irrevocably.

Alone in the living room, I sat, watching some cartoon over the tips of my little scuffed white-toed converse sneakers. It was impossible to tell you what I was actually watching because I couldn’t really hear it over the yelling coming from the kitchen. Trying not to listen, I sat pulling and playing with the frayed holes in the knees of my stained jeans. My heart was pounding because I didn’t know what was going on. The next thing I knew, my father was storming past me, without even a glance my direction, before he slammed out the front door. Then my mother raced past, her flowing, white shirt billowing behind her. Unlike my father, she stopped short, as if she had forgotten I was sitting there.

“Momma? I’m hungry.” It seemed I was always hungry, and I hated to ask for things because it always made my father angry, but it was just my mother, and when it was just her and I, she was a little more like a “real” mom. She rushed to me, kneeling in front of me and framing my cheeks with her hands. She smelled funny, like she always did, but I was just a little kid and back then I had no idea the “funny smell” which always permeated their clothing and the very air surrounding them, was weed. It’s no wonder it’s my go-to now when things get really shitty, huh? I came by it honest. Come on, chuckle chuckle.

Anyway, she kissed me and gathered me in her arms. “Indigo, momma and daddy have to leave for a while. You’re grandparents are going to take care of you until we get back. You be a good boy and help your grandma around the house. I -” My father yelled for her from the front yard and my mom jumped up, pressing a kiss to my shaggy dark head and ran out the door. That was it. Gone. My parents had brought me there and just left.

Figuring I would track down my own food, I climbed down from the couch and wandered to the kitchen. My grandfather was hugging my sobbing, little grandmother and my uncles Gunnar, Javier and Samuel were looking angry with their arms crossed. My older two uncles were grown and had already left home—Alejandro was in the Army and Matías was in the Marine Corps. They always joked they had to join branches than went with their names. Of course, at that time I didn’t even know they existed.

When I was finally noticed, standing scared and fidgety in the doorway, my grandmother brushed off my grandfather’s comforting arms, rushed to me, and knelt in front of me on the floor. Being so small, she was my height kneeling. Not sure why that stuck in my head, but it always has. Her arms pulled me close, and she spoke softly to me in Spanish. At that time, I had no idea what she was saying. Over the years, I would learn to speak fluent Spanish with her. Much to her great pleasure, and my uncle’s and grandfather’s surprise as none of them spoke it.

“I’m hungry, grandma. And I want my Momma.” Tears hovered in my eyes but I would never let them fall. It made my father angry of I cried because he said I was a “sissy.” Never knowing exactly what that meant, the tone alone had me sure it wasn’t something I wanted to be. So they may have pooled in my eyes, but they would never fall.

My mother had told me these people were my grandparents. That day was actually the first time I’d ever met them. Essentially, I was in a houseful of strangers.

“Mijo, you can call me Abuela. We’re going to get you enrolled in school so you can grow to be a smart man someday, like you’re a smart little boy, now. Okay? Your momma, well, she has some things to do.” My uncle snorted and I looked at him in fear. “You’re safe, and we are so happy to have you here, Niño.” No one looked happy. It was scary and confusing.

That was the first day I met her. After filling my belly, my Abuela sent me outside to play in the backyard with the scrappy dog they had back there. It was a dog like I’d never seen, he was coarse with grey, red and white hairs. He had a little white mark on his forehead and he sat there looking at me with his head tipped to the side.

It wasn’t long before he was chasing me, nipping gently at my heels, until he knocked me over and I laughed, coming up with leaves and sticks stuck all over me. He was pouncing around me and barking like he wanted me to get back up so we could start the game over, when I heard the sweetest voice I’d ever heard.

“Who are you? And why are you playing wiff Buster?” She was standing at the fence and she was just taller than the short, bent-up, chain-link fence so she could look over the top rail at me. Her little fingers were hooked through the links and I noticed she had chipped bright pink nail polish on them. Golden hair was pulled up in a wild ponytail, and she had the biggest bow I’d ever seen right on top of it. It was hanging off to the side, and wisps of blonde hair blew in front of her eyes. Tawny-brown eyes stared at me, that had little green flecks in them, and reminded me of a caramel apple I once got at a carnival.

“That’s a really big bow. It’s really pink.”

“Fanks.” Her eyes continued to look at me with expectation. “I’m Sera. It’s short for Serafina.”

“That’s pretty. I’m Indigo.” My dirty hand went out to shake hers but she just looked at me. When I realized she didn’t know what I was doing, my hand fell awkwardly to my side where my fingers just wigged aimlessly until I shoved both hands in my pockets. I’m sure I sat there with my head tipped to the side, just like Buster had to me. She was like a puzzle I couldn’t figure out. There were very few children my age I had interacted with, so she was an enigma.

“Indigo is a color, not a name. It’s in my big box of crayons, so I know. But it’s okay. You’re gonna be my friend ‘cause I saw you first. Okay?” She was shaking her head as if this was a foregone conclusion.

“Ummm sure.” My Abuela called me in, and as I turned to leave the little girl next door shouted and I turned my head to look at her once more.

“See you later, friend!” Her little pink-tipped fingers waved at me and a big smile spread across her face. With the sun shining from behind her, it lit up her golden hair like a halo. Not that I can be sure because, like I said, I was only five, but I’m pretty sure I fell in love with her that day.

Book number three has come to a conclusion. What the heck? I cannot even begin to tell you how I got here. It seems like a dream.

Penny, as always, I thank you for believing in me from the beginning. I truly believe, without your motivation and encouragement, this book and the two before it would never exist. Sybil Bartel, author extraordinaire—you are amazing and humble. I appreciate you more than you will ever know. You and Penny are really the ones who made all this happen through your encouragement, information and patience with a new author you didn’t even really know. <3

To my two new book-loving friends, Brenda and Lisa, who I have Lani Lynn Vale, and her group Lani’s Lovelies, to thank for uniting us—thank you for singing my praises. And thank you for making me almost cry with your amazing compliments on my writing. Book signings, here we come!

Clarise Tan, continues to outdo herself with every cover, and this one completely kicks ass! Of course, that could have just a little to do with Eric McKinney’s amazingly hot photos of Mark Somsky. Eric, you are a photographic genius. Mark, well, you humbled me by agreeing to grace my cover, and actually taking the time to answer my questions personally. I’ll send you a big stick with your copy of this book—to beat the ladies off with. ;)

Stacey, your diligent work makes my words look beautiful and professional. For that, there will never be thanks enough. You are still a goddess.

Ladies of Kristine’s Crazy Fangirls, thank you for your advice and the smiles you give me with your comments. Oh, and thank you for being patient with me when I don’t post daily because I’m in the writing zone or—ugh, working. Y’all rock.

And as always, my last-but-never-least, a massive thank you to America’s servicemen and women who protect our freedom on a daily basis. They do their duty, leaving their families for weeks, months, and years at a time, without asking for praise or thanks. I would also like to remind the readers that not all combat injuries are visible nor do they heal easily. These silent, wicked injuries wreak havoc on their minds and hearts while we go about our days completely oblivious. Thank you all for your service.

To Penny. Because you believed in me from the very beginning.

I WAS ONLY FIVE the first time my parents dropped me off at my abuela’s house in San Antonio, TX. Bet you didn’t see that coming, huh? Yes, I’m part Hispanic. The gray eyes and light skin throw people every time. Abuela called me her little güero. You see, my grandfather—my papa—was a big, tall, gray-eyed man of Norwegian and Irish descent, and when he met my tiny little Mexican grandmother, it was love at first sight. At least that’s what he told me and anyone else who would listen. So I had obviously inherited his and my father’s Caucasian complexion instead of my grandmother’s Mexican and Native American coloring. Hence güero—her little light-colored boy. Don’t mistake it for a slur; it was definitely a term of endearment.

One of my favorite pastimes as a little boy was looking through her old photo albums. The pictures of the two of them always made me giggle. Him so tall and her so short—“vertically challenged,” he used to call it. They ended up being more my parents than my own, and it broke my grandfather’s heart.

My mother was their daughter. Their only daughter. One thing I remember about her is she was beautiful. Her exotic features turned heads everywhere she went from the time she was a little girl, my abuela always said, and she believed that was my mother’s downfall. They also had five strapping boys—my uncles, Alejandro, Matias, who were older than my mom, and then Samuel, Javier, and the baby, Gunnar. With Gunnar, my grandfather got his way and gave him a “strong Norwegian name.” Don’t confuse that and think that it meant he loved any of them any less. He just had to have his way with naming at least one of his sons… or so he always said.

Anyway, I digress. My father was a wanderer. A dreamer. A “wannabe musician.” He was handsome but had no real ambition, content to travel here and there playing for enough money to get him to the next gig, sure that he would be discovered and “make it big.” He was more interested in smoking weed and dreaming than anything, but I guess he loved my mother because after they met at a college party—where he was playing with the band he was with at the time, not going to school—she got pregnant, so they eloped, and they’re still married to this day. Not that I ever see them.

Becoming parents may have been the reason they got married—yeah, little ol’ me was on the way—but they really had no interest in actually fulfilling the role. So I saw more cities, in more states, in the first five years of my life than most people see in their lifetime. Then again, I also saw a lot of things a kid my age shouldn’t have, but back then I didn’t realize my life wasn’t normal. It just was. But once I turned five and they got in trouble for me not being in school, we found ourselves on my grandparents’ doorstep.

There may be a lot of things I don’t remember about my childhood, but that day? I remember a lot of that day. It was the day my life changed irrevocably.

Alone in the living room, I sat watching some cartoon over the tips of my little scuffed white-toed Converse sneakers. It was impossible to tell you what I was actually watching because I couldn’t really hear it over the yelling coming from the kitchen. Trying not to listen, I sat pulling and playing with the frayed holes in the knees of my stained jeans. My heart was pounding because I didn’t know what was going on. The next thing I knew, my father was storming past me, without even a glance my direction, before he slammed out the front door. Then my mother raced past, her flowing white shirt billowing behind her. Unlike my father, she stopped short, as if she had forgotten I was sitting there.

“Momma? I’m hungry.” It seemed I was always hungry, and I hated to ask for things because it always made my father angry, but it was just my mother, and when it was just me and her, she was a little more like a “real” mom. She rushed to me, kneeling in front of me and framing my cheeks with her hands. She smelled funny, like she always did, but I was just a little kid and back then I had no idea the “funny smell” that always permeated their clothing and the very air surrounding them was weed. It’s no wonder it’s my go-to now when things get really shitty, huh? I came by it honest. Come on, chuckle chuckle.

Anyway, she kissed me and gathered me in her arms. “Indigo, Momma and Daddy have to leave for a while. Your grandparents are going to take care of you until we get back. You be a good boy and help your grandma around the house. I—” My father yelled for her from the front yard, and my mom pressed a kiss to my shaggy dark head before she jumped up and ran out the door. That was it. Gone. My parents had brought me there and just left.

Figuring I would track down my own food, I climbed down from the couch and wandered to the kitchen. My grandfather was hugging my sobbing little grandmother and my uncles Gunnar, Javier, and Samuel were looking angry with their arms crossed. My older two uncles were grown and had already left home. Alejandro was in the Army, and Matias was in the Marine Corps. They always joked that they had to join branches that went with their names. Of course, at that time I hadn’t even know they existed.

When I was finally noticed, standing scared and fidgety in the doorway, my grandmother brushed off my grandfather’s comforting arms, rushed to me, and knelt in front of me on the floor. Being so small, she was my height kneeling. Not sure why that stuck in my head, but it always has. Her arms pulled me close, and she spoke softly to me in Spanish. At that time, I had no idea what she was saying. Over the years, I would learn to speak fluent Spanish with her. Much to her great pleasure, and my uncles’ and grandfather’s surprise, as none of them spoke it.

“I’m hungry, Grandma. And I want my momma.” Tears hovered in my eyes, but I would never let them fall. It made my father angry if I cried because he said I was a “sissy.” Never knowing exactly what that meant, the tone alone had me sure it wasn’t something I wanted to be. So they may have pooled in my eyes, but they would never fall.

My mother had told me these people were my grandparents. That day was actually the first time I’d ever met them. Essentially, I was in a house full of strangers.

“Mijo, you can call me Abuela. We’re going to get you enrolled in school so you can grow to be a smart man someday, like you’re a smart little boy now. Okay? Your momma, well, she has some things to do.” My uncle snorted, and I looked at him in fear. “You’re safe, and we are so happy to have you here, niño.” No one looked happy. It was scary and confusing.

That was the first day I met her. After filling my belly, my abuela sent me outside to play in the backyard with the scrappy dog they had back there. It was a dog like I’d never seen; he was coarse with gray, red, and white hairs. He had a little white mark on his forehead, and he sat there looking at me with his head tipped to the side.

It wasn’t long before he was chasing me, nipping gently at my heels until he knocked me over and I laughed, coming up with leaves and sticks stuck all over me. He was pouncing around me and barking like he wanted me to get back up so we could start the game over when I heard the sweetest voice I’d ever heard.

“Who are you? And why are you playing wiff Buster?” She was just taller than the short, bent-up chain-link fence she was peeking over. Her little fingers were hooked through the links, and I noticed she had chipped, bright pink nail polish on them. Her golden hair was pulled up in a wild ponytail, and she had the biggest bow I’d ever seen right on top of it. It was hanging off to the side, and wisps of blonde hair blew in front of her eyes. Tawny-brown eyes with little green flecks that stared at me.

“Your eyes look like caramel apples, and that’s a really big bow. It’s really pink.”

“Fanks.” She continued to look at me with expectation. “I’m Sera. It’s short for Serafina.”

“That’s pretty. I’m Indigo.” My dirty hand went out to shake hers, but she just looked at me. When I realized she didn’t know what I was doing, my hand fell awkwardly to my side where my fingers just wiggled aimlessly until I shoved both hands in my pockets. I’m sure I sat there watching her with my head tipped to the side, just like Buster had me. She was a puzzle I couldn’t figure out. I had interacted with few children my age, so she was an enigma.

“Indigo is a color, not a name. It’s in my big box of crayons, so I know. But it’s okay. You’re gonna be my friend ’cause I saw you first. Okay?” She was nodding as if this was a foregone conclusion.

“Umm, sure.”

My abuela called me before I could say more, but as I turned to leave, the little girl next door shouted, “See you later, friend!” Her little pink-tipped fingers waved at me, and a big smile spread across her face. With the sun shining from behind her, it lit up her golden hair like a halo. It wasn’t long after that when I asked my abuela if I could use my middle name, Kayde, instead of Indigo.

Not that I can be certain because, like I said, I was only five, but I’m pretty sure I fell in love with Sera that day.

“Hemorrhage (In My Hands)”—Fuel

THIS WAS NOT SUPPOSED to be my life. No one sits in their seat, cap and gown shining, at their high school graduation day and says, “I’m going to be a widow by the time I’m twenty-three.” Caressing my imperceptibly mounded abdomen with the hand holding my wad of tissues, I looked around once more, desperately seeking the gray eyes I prayed would be there for me. It shouldn’t be a surprise; after all, every call went to voice mail, every e-mail I sent went unanswered. The one person I thought would be my best friend until the day we died was conspicuously absent.

Not that there were many close family members there. Most of the attendees were the massive group of police officers, all in their dress uniforms to pay homage to one of their fallen brothers. Tyler didn’t have a big family; the force was his family. His mom sat next to me and reached over to grab my hand when the pastor’s voice cracked, speaking of Tyler as a little boy in the congregation of his church. Tears streamed down both of our cheeks, and her watery blue eyes sought mine. Trying to be strong for everyone was killing me, tearing apart my soul bit by bit.

My dad sat to my other side, my brother, Christian, next to him, stoic and proud. Too proud to shed a tear for the man who had been one of his best friends for the past fourteen years. However, the slight tremor of his hands gave him away, and I knew he was shattered by the loss of his childhood friend and brother in blue.

Christian, Tyler, and Kayde had all been about the same age. The boys were the three musketeers and had been the best of friends, but Kayde had been my best friend, ever since I “claimed him” as mine when I was three, almost four. They were a year ahead of me in school, but they tolerated me hanging out with them because Kayde felt sorry for me and always persuaded them to let me tag along.

Desperate to be part of their group and stay close to Kayde, I did my best to keep up with them, whether climbing trees, riding bikes, or just playing video games. Being younger and smaller, it was a struggle, and I ended up with more than my fair share of bumps and bruises. If I fell and scraped my knee, he was the one slapping disinfectant, antibiotic ointment, and a Band-Aid on it. At five years old, when he first moved in next door, he could do that. No one ever stopped to ask him how he knew what to do; we just took it for granted that he would fix us up. Often, I wondered why he didn’t join a branch where he could be a medic, but instead he joined the Marines.

He’d also been a phenomenal artist, even though he kept that kind of under wraps because he said “real men” didn’t color, paint, or draw. No matter how many times I told him that was stupid, he wouldn’t share his talent with anyone but me. God, the things in his sketch books should have been framed. I often wondered what ever happened to them.

For so long, they’d been like brothers to me, and I hadn’t seen them as anything else. Then something changed over the summer before my freshman year, and all my friends were always wanting to spend the night at my house. At first, I was irritated because they would come over and want to just sit in the living room and watch the guys play video games or throw the football in the backyard. Not understanding why they were acting that way, I got pissed and quit having anyone over. If they didn’t want to be with me, why did they want to come over so bad?

Shortly after that, I started to notice Kayde and Tyler were actually handsome, and I began to understand. Like they were hot, which kind of made things weird when we were all together. Kayde especially, because we were best friends and it was strange to have your heart speed up and your belly flutter when your best friend walked in the room. God, he was beautiful—still is—but he was always with a new girlfriend. It made me angry because he hardly ever had time for me.

Looking back on it, even when we were just four and six and he still went by his first name, Indigo, I always thought he was a pretty little boy. His dark hair was shaggy and hung over his smoky gray eyes. His smile so rare but stunning in its brilliance when he let it slip.

After Tyler moved in across the road from us, people said they could have been brothers. Except Tyler’s eyes were just a little more blue than gray and his hair was straight, where Kayde’s was slightly wavy and tended to curl at the ends if it got too long. They both had a single dimple, but on mirrored sides of their faces.

Anyway, during my senior year, the boys were all taking classes at the community college, and one night Tyler had lagged behind as they were leaving the house to head to their evening classes. I’ll never forget how uncomfortable he looked. He had tugged on his straight, dark hair and his eyes were everywhere but me. A flush had crept over his cheeks.

“Hey, Sera. Shit, this is… well, I mean….” Evident fascination with his feet as his shoe scuffed back and forth on the floor had his eyes averted from me. “Hell, I… I just wanted to know if maybe you wanted to… uhhh… go to the movies this weekend.” His gaze slowly lifted to look at me, and he appeared to hold his breath. Shock that he was actually asking me out had me momentarily speechless. A niggling sadness that Kayde hadn’t asked me first was shoved down quickly.

After I got over the surprise, a warmth flooded my chest. “Um, wow! Uh, okay, sure.” His smile was beautiful. Never in a million years would I have imagined I would date one of the three musketeers. Well, the two who weren’t my brother, that is. Most times, I just felt like they thought of me as one of the boys since we’d all been friends so long. I had no idea either of them would look at me as an actual girl.

Tyler and I had kept things on the down low for about two months because we weren’t sure how Christian was going to handle us dating. Also, I had a hard time building up the courage to tell Kayde. It made me feel more than a little guilty because we were sneaking around behind not just my brother’s but also Kayde’s back.

In fact, it especially upset me that I hadn’t told Kayde right away. Maybe because we had been best friends. Nearly everything I did, he had been a part of. Kayde had taught me to color in the lines. Taught me to ride a bike. For crying out loud, he had been the one to take me into Walgreens to get pads after my first period, because by then my mom had run off with a rodeo clown. No, I’m not making that up. She did. But that’s another story I’ll get into later. Anyway, Kayde was always there for me, so to make the decision to date Tyler without talking to him first felt like I was betraying him as well as their friendship.

The day I finally told him was confusing and incredibly awkward. The look on his face… God. First, he was astonished, and possibly a little angry, but that quickly morphed into pain. He said it was because I had hid it from him for so long, but it seemed like more than that.

After the day we talked, he seemed okay with it, but things changed. Not in a way that would have been noticeable to an outsider, but I think we all felt it. Just no one said anything. Christian was surprisingly cool about it, but he honestly surprised me when he said he always thought it would be Kayde. That added to my guilt and discomfort, wondering if Kayde had felt that way too. Had I messed up? Ruined my friendship with him because I was so excited to have beautiful Tyler interested in me?

He’d never said anything to me though. Instead, it seemed he was always dating a new girl and had begun spending more time with them than me. It hurt, and I didn’t want to examine why. Seeing those girls hanging on his arm any time we all went somewhere together used to piss me off something fierce. I hated each and every one of them and their long hair, full lips, big boobs, and too much makeup.

Then time went on, and Tyler and I were just a “thing.” It was comfortable and sweet. Back then, we really thought we were in love.

On the day of my high school graduation, as everyone was standing around taking pictures, chatting and congratulating, Tyler got down on bended knee and asked me to be his wife. Kayde had looked shocked, and no one but me noticed when he turned heel and walked off. Tyler’s gray-blue eyes had lit up when I said, “Yes.” Yeah, maybe we were young and foolish, but we had been “dating” for nearly a year and it felt so real. I say “dating” because the four of us had been hanging out since the boys were about ten or eleven and Tyler had moved in across the street with his mom. But for that past nine to ten months, we had been a couple.

It took me a while to find Kayde that night. He wasn’t answering his phone. When I finally found him in the backyard fort that he, Tyler, and Christian had built when they were about twelve, he was just sitting there staring out into the night sky. Trying not to hit my head on the low ceiling, I had crawled over to sit next to him. His arm had wrapped around me, and he kissed the top of my head. Warmth had spread through my body, and I had felt like I was home.

We had talked about my graduation, and then about Tyler’s proposal. He had been happy for me on the surface, but I could tell he wasn’t really thrilled with it. He tried to talk me into waiting, telling me Tyler and I should wait, that we were young, that I was going away to college and long-distance relationships were hard, but he was right about one thing. I was young, and I knew everything—meaning I thought I knew everything.

Then, the week after my graduation, he became scarce. We found out he had been talking to a recruiter. Hell, I had begged him not to go. People were dying every single day, and the odds of him being deployed and becoming one of those statistics was too great. Pleading with him did absolutely no good. He had held me, and I felt his breath hitch as he told me he’d be fine and this was something he had to do. Despite my tears, a week later, he left for the Marine Corps.

Just like that, I had lost my best friend.

Christian was pissed at him for joining the Marine Corps, because they were supposed to join the police academy together. They had all been taking college courses in preparation for the academy. It had been their plan since we were all little, playing cops and robbers in the backyard.

Tyler and Christian were devastated. Me? My heart was crushed. He was the one person I could tell everything to, and he had left me.

On our wedding day, it was just a small group of us. But Kayde was absent then too. He had told Tyler he couldn’t get leave approved. He sent a card simply signed with his name and a gift card. It wounded me because I had really wanted him to share that day with me.

I’d only had random e-mails and phone calls from him since then. Christian wouldn’t talk to him when he called. Conversations with Tyler had been stilted, and I knew it hurt him something fierce. We’d often sat talking about it after he would hang up from the call. Tyler said he felt like he did something wrong and could never figure out what to do to fix it.

My heart ached whenever I’d spoken to Kayde. I missed him so much it hurt, but if my relationship with Tyler hadn’t caused a noticeable change, the Marines had changed him for sure. It was impossible to miss on the few occasions he came home over the last few years. He was harder, he laughed less, and his eyes seemed duller, dimmer… subdued. Something told me the military had been hard on him.

My mind had wandered longer than I thought. The pastor was just finishing his speech, and he asked me if I was ready to speak. Though I’d written down what I wanted to say and I had tried to memorize it, my mind was blanking as I prepared to stand. The gaping wound in my chest nearly brought me to my knees as I stepped up and moved toward the small podium set up by the casket holding my husband. A casket that I had avoided looking inside because that wasn’t my husband. The man whose smile had once lit up a room. My friend. My confidant. The father to my unborn child.

That last thought was my undoing, and the coffin I had avoided became my crutch. Leaning heavily on the edge, I looked upon the face of the man I thought would be there for our child even if he wasn’t going to be with me. Guilt ripped and tore at me like talons. No one knew we were on the verge of filing for divorce. Not because we couldn’t get along, but because we had finally realized our relationship was mostly a friendship, that the exciting spark of youthful infatuation was gone—was maybe never more than that—and we both agreed life was too short to stay together just because we were “comfortable.”

Staying together as long as we had had been dumb. But we’d done so because each of us felt like the other was the one in love and worried about how bad we would hurt them. When I finally gathered up the courage to talk to him, he’d been so relieved. We both wanted to find that ever-lasting romance. The one that set us on fire. The one that made our hearts race. The only reason we were still together when he died was because we found out I was pregnant, and in Texas you can’t divorce during a pregnancy. The plan was to continue to live together, just to share finances until after the baby was born.

Then, on a routine traffic stop, Tyler was shot by a tweaking meth-head, leaving me with this wax figure look-alike in the coffin in front of me. There was no way this was my Tyler. Tears rolled from my eyes and dropped on his neck, where the wound was nearly invisible, as I leaned over him. My whispered words were broken and coarse through my tears.

“Why? Why did you leave us, Tyler? This isn’t fair. You were supposed to go on to find the one. We agreed. We had a plan, dammit.” A deep hiccupped breath helped me compose myself enough to continue walking to give my speech.

Looking out at the sea of faces, I had a hard time focusing on any single one; they all just blended together. The words on my paper were blurry, and my hand shook. Tears spilled over and down my cheeks, momentarily clearing my vision. Blinking rapidly only cleared it briefly. Giving up, my hand holding the shaking paper dropped to my side. In despair, I swallowed the lump in my throat, trying to find the words—any words.

Jesus, how am I going to get through this?

“I had a speech written, but eloquent words won’t change the fact that a great man is gone. I don’t need to extol his amazing qualities because you already know. I still needed him, but evidently he was needed somewhere else. I love you, Tyler, and I’m going to miss you.” My eyes raised and zeroed in on a pair of stormy-gray, pain-ravaged eyes in the very back of the large church. As my knees buckled, sobs were wrenched from my spine through my chest.

No one caught me. This wasn’t the movies. God, I wished the whole thing was just a bad dream or a bad movie. My knees hit the ground with a painful jolt, just as my brother and father reached me. Desperation had me searching over their shoulders for the person I thought was Kayde, but he was gone. Now my mind was playing tricks on me, and that made it worse.

Kayde, wherever you are, I need you! My mind screamed for him, but all I was met with was silence.

“Marry Me”—Thomas Rhett

SEEING SERA BREAK DOWN was one of the most traumatizing things I’d ever seen. And trust me, I’ve seen a lot. It was cowardly of me to leave, but I didn’t deserve to share my pain with them. I was an outsider. Not that I hadn’t prepared myself for that. I knew when I joined the Marines that I was essentially cutting ties with Tyler and Christian, and hell did it hurt, but the worst was Sera. She was my everything, but she belonged to one of my best friends. That was something I knew I couldn’t stay around to watch, and the driving force behind my leaving home.

Growing up, I had held myself away from her, other than being her friend. It felt wrong to be obsessed with my best friend’s kid sister. Yeah, she was my best friend too. At least that’s what I told her. It was easier than telling her the truth—that I was in love with her and had been since I was five. It had been as if my soul recognized hers immediately. Like we had lived before, and when we met again in this life, there was a connection.

You know how when you’re standing under power lines and sometimes you hear that buzzing as the current races along the wires? That’s how I felt every time I was around her. Like there was this energy current that connected us. My skin felt her when she walked in a room.

As we got older, I began to lust after her, and it made me feel awful. She had looked at me like her best friend or big brother. Feeling that way made me feel like there was something wrong with me. There was a certainty in me that said she would have been repulsed had she known how many times and ways she haunted my dreams and fantasies. Besides, I knew I was kind of like the neighborhood stray, with my parents being absent most of my life and my grandparents raising me. There was no way I was good enough for her. She was an angel.

When my lust for her became more than I could deal with, I started hooking up with girls who I thought would make me forget my thoughts and fantasies of her. They were easy to come by. After all, it was Texas, and anyone who was a decent size and had any talent at all played football. Not to mention none of us three guys lacked in the looks department, and we were never short on girls who wanted to be able to say they had been with one of the “three musketeers.” Hell yeah, we knew people called us that. We didn’t care; it made us laugh and think we were hot shit.

Never in a million years would I have told her how I visualized her in my mind anytime I had my dick buried in a girl’s mouth or somewhere else. Especially if I was high. Fuck, I may have even called them by her name during those times. Though I was pretty good at hiding it, weed and I were really good friends back then, so it may have happened a lot. Thankfully, she never heard about it, but then again, the girls I used were usually older. Yeah, I said “used.” Because I always knew none of them would be girlfriend material, despite what they may have hoped for. They weren’t her, after all.

Then when Tyler broke the unspoken code that she was off-limits because she was Christian’s sister, fuck, I lost my shit. I beat myself up for being the one who sat back and “did the right thing.” It should have been me. Instead, he had gotten to her first.

Despite how bad it sucked watching them date, it was worse when he completely ensured she would be his. Fuck, that was an awful day—the day Tyler asked her to marry him. It absolutely gutted me and was the catalyst for my entry into the Marine Corps. However, no matter how bad that tore me up, seeing her at the funeral service was so much worse.

Anytime she was in pain, it eviscerated me. It always had. But this type of pain? It was too much. He was her husband, but he had been one of my best friends too. It made me angry because I didn’t know how to deal with that type of pain. Which was why, instead of being at the graveyard watching my friend get buried and being there as support to his wife, I was at the gym. Where I wasn’t really supposed to be. My doc would be pissed, but it was either I work out my frustration there or I fell apart.

No one knew I had come home for my convalescent leave. Well, other than my immediate family. Not that I had gone home for the funeral. I hadn’t even known. It was just shitty fate, I guess, because up until about a month or so ago, I had been deployed. Then Erik and I got shot, so we were sent back. He was back home in Iowa on convalescent leave while I was here. I had made my family promise not to tell anyone I was home because I didn’t want to deal with people.

Either no one cared to notify me, or I had missed the messages due to our team being extremely… uh, mobile. Either way, I still hadn’t had notification.

Maybe that was a lie. The little voice in my head had to poke at me and stir up guilt. There had been numerous e-mails from Sera, but I had deleted them without reading them. It was part of my most recent attempt at cutting her out of my life, in hopes that I would one day get over her. It made me feel like a big piece of shit because she might have been trying to let me know what had happened. No, I’m sure she was trying to let me know. Guilt gnawed at me from the inside out.

The only reason I knew he had died and when the funeral happened to be was because my family asked if I was going the minute they picked me up from the airport. They’d had no idea I didn’t know. It had felt like someone pulled a rug out from under me. I fucking swear to God, I almost passed the fuck out.

Yelling through each exhale during the last lift of my bench set, I racked the weights and sat up. Fishing around on the floor under the bench, I grasped the towel and scrubbed the sweat from my face. The throbbing in my thigh was evidence I had probably done too much, but I didn’t give a flying fuck. Raising the leg of my shorts, I assessed the angry red scar on my leg. Shit, a few inches more and it might have hit my dick. Now that would have been a bad day. Getting shot in the damn thigh while I was trying to keep my battle buddy from bleeding out was shitty enough. Losing my dick? Fuck that, you might as well shoot me dead.

Moving on to the dip bars, with Guns N’ Roses blasting in my headphones, I brutalized my body a little more. By the time I had pushed through three sets of forty, I was dripping sweat, and I knew I was done for the day. The last two hours had been an intentional, self-imposed torture session, but I was beat.

Limping slightly, I made my way to the shower. The gym was dead today, and I was glad of it, because I was in no frame of mind to deal with peopling. As I grabbed my gym bag from the locker I’d shoved it in, I saw my phone was lit up with a missed call from Erik. Making a mental note to call him back, I slid my shower shoes on, dropped the phone in the bag, then stepped into the shower stall and turned the water on as hot as it would go.

Fuck, I couldn’t believe Tyler was gone. Scalding water sprayed my back, and I wished it would peel away the layer of self-loathing and shame that encapsulated my entire being. Hanging my head, water ran down over my face, converging at my nose and mouth to run to the drain in a thick waterfall. When I couldn’t hold my breath anymore, I tossed my head back, sending a spray of water slapping against the wall behind me. Air gusted into my lungs with a gasp.

Sera’s face filled my head; her different expressions overlapped and created a collage in my mind. Every expression, unique and precious, stored away in my mind to be pulled out on cold, lonely nights in caves, deserts, and hard bunks. I’d loved her for what seemed like my whole fucking life. Even as I stood at the back of the church where one of my best friends was being honored and remembered, I had coveted his wife.

Just the thought of her had my dick surging toward the picture in my mind. Wrapping my hand around it, I squeezed, imagining it was buried inside her. In my imagination, I saw her head tip back, eyes fluttering, mouth slightly parted in ecstasy as I drove into her relentlessly. Her dark blonde hair cascaded across the pillow, and breathy moans slipped from between those luscious lips. When my mythical Serafina screamed my name in her release, I felt my balls tighten and electricity gathered at the base of my spine. My own release exploded from my cock and hit the shower wall in front of me.

Yeah, I was ten kinds of fucked up, and unfortunately I couldn’t find it in me to care. She was the one temptation I fought daily, but fantasized about just as often. My soul might be damned to Hell for the things I’d done, but I wouldn’t go near her and taint her with my sins. Sera was goodness and light, whereas I was darkness and hate.

Finishing up in the shower, I wrapped a towel around my waist and dug through my gym bag for my phone. Too tired to dress, I sat on one of the benches and waited for Erik to answer.

“Hey, man, you doing okay?” Erik had been my battle buddy and good friend. Like me, he had been through some shit that pushed him to walk away from a lot and join the Marines. Maybe our two fucked-up souls had sensed each other; whatever it was, the bond between us had always been extremely strong. He and I had gone through training together and had then been paired up when we joined the Force Recon unit. He and my team were some of the few people I really trusted.

And Bertha, of course. That’s my rifle, but don’t tell anyone I named her. I’d get so much shit for that. She’s my girl and so far hasn’t let me down. Kissing the crucifix hanging from my neck—the one my grandparents gave me after completing catechism when I was fifteen—I sent up a silent prayer for that to never change, because that would mean my time on Earth was done. I wasn’t ready for that shit, no matter how many bad things I’d done.

“I’m hanging in there, man. How about you? You up and walking yet?” He had taken a bullet right to the femoral artery, and I thought we were going to lose him, but that fucker had some crazy-ass luck.

“Yeah, but it hurts like a bitch. Trying not to take a lot of those goddamn pain pills, but fucking A, it’s tempting. My mom’s been trying to coddle me the whole time I’ve been here, and I finally had to tell her to stop because I couldn’t stand it. Now she keeps ragging on me about why I had to join and put my life on the line, blah, blah, blah. Don’t wanna talk about all that fucking crap, you know?” He ended with a groan. “Fuck, it’s even hard to sit down after I’ve been up.”

“Quit whining, you pussy. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger and all that shit.” I couldn’t hold back my laugh as I messed with him.

“Okay, laugh it up, you fucker. What the hell are you doing right now?”

Biting my lip to keep from laughing again, I finally couldn’t hold it and laughed anyway.

“Uh, just finished at the gym, actually.”

“Jesus. You’re a crazy motherfucker, you know that? I’m sure you haven’t been cleared to do that, just as I’m sure your workout wasn’t light. So I’m not even gonna ask what all you were doing.”

In my mind, I could see him shaking his head at me, like he often did. “Mmm, yeah, that’s probably for the best.” My chuckle faded off as the throbbing in my leg reminded me how right he was.

“You should come up here before you head back to base. I could show you around and you could meet my family. Then we could head back together.” Murmured voices and rustling in the background told me he was probably getting “coddled” by his mom again. “My mom says she really wants to meet you. Since you’re the hero who saved my life and all.”

Fuck, I hated being reminded that he almost died on me, and I seriously fucking hated being called a hero for doing my job.

“Mmm, I’ll think about it. My abuela is planning a small family barbecue for me, but after that I might be able to get away a few days early. It was supposed to be big, but the timing is shit.” Memories of times gone by with Tyler had my words trailing off, and silence overcame me. He would never be present to welcome me home again. The reality hit me like a sledgehammer to the chest.

“You there?” Erik’s voice broke through my reverie.

Fuck. “Sorry, yeah. How much time do you have left?” Even though our con leave started around the same time, we never discussed exactly how long the other had since I went home before he was released from the hospital. Not because I wanted to, but because he made me promise to go home to my family as soon as I could, even though I wanted to stay with him.

“I still have a few weeks, but I’m going back to base to finish my time. Then I’m out.” His words stole my breath. We had been together in Force Recon since we were both PFCs. “I can’t do this anymore, man. I’m tired. Tired of killing, tired of kicking in doors, tired of putting my life on the line for people who don’t give a fucking rat’s ass about whether we live or die trying to keep them safe. I’ve tried to run from all the fucked-up shit in my life, and it worked for a little while, but I’m worn out.”

“Goddamn it, Jaeger. I get what you’re saying, but we’re a team. You’re the only person in this whole fucking world I truly trust 100 percent. What the fuck? I thought you said you were in it for the long haul? That was our plan, right?” Maybe in the back of my mind I understood what he was trying to say, but it felt like he was abandoning me.

“Fuck, man, you think I don’t feel like shit? I’m not bailing on you. We have a good team. No one is going to leave you fucking hanging, and I’m not trying to, but my head just isn’t in it anymore, and that’ll get not just me but everyone around me killed. I can’t live with myself knowing that. That’s not something I would want to do to you. Being the reason you, or one of the other guys, were killed? No way. It makes me feel bad enough that you got shot because you were saving my ass. You should’ve….” He didn’t finish his sentence, and I knew it was because he didn’t want to hear my response to the garbage he was about to spew. In resignation, I hung my head. His rationale made sense, and I knew it, but it didn’t make it any easier.

“Don’t. You know I just did my fucking job. We don’t leave our brothers to die, and you would have done the same for me. Jesus, man.”

His harshly exhaled breath told me he knew arguments would be futile.

“I’ll pay for your plane flight if you’ll come up here. I’m not trying to take you away from your family though, so if you really don’t want to, that’s cool. Just think about it, man.” His voice sounded strained, and I knew he was having a hard time. But hell, so was I. Maybe I needed to get away from here and all the memories it held anyway.

“You don’t need to do that, and yeah, I’ll think about it. I’ll call you tomorrow and let you know.”

“Sounds good. Take care. Later, bro.” As he was disconnecting, I heard him telling his mom he was pretty sure I was coming. There was no holding back the wry smile that crept across my face. Damn, I missed having him to talk to.

Lighting up a cigarette as I walked to my Jeep, the first drag filled my lungs. Breathing deeply, I felt the familiar burn dumping a small euphoric rush to my system as the nicotine hit me. You would think as much of a gym junkie as I was, I would kick this habit, but it was my only crutch since joining and being unable to smoke other things. Once I felt myself relax, I paused outside my Jeep to rapidly finish the last few drags. I didn’t smoke inside my badass baby. Field dressing the stub, I shoved it in my pocket, then exhaled the last of the caustic smoke in a wispy trail skyward.

Telling Erik I was taking a day to decide was a formality to let my family know, because I already knew I would be going up there. This place held too many memories for me.

“How to Save a Life”—The Fray

EVERYONE HAD LEFT, AND it was just me, my dad, Christian, and Marla, Tyler’s mom. We were silently cleaning up the little bit of mess that had been scattered around after the last of the mourners had left. Accepting everyone’s condolences was the last thing I had wanted to do. Why did everyone think it was necessary to converge in one place after someone died? Why couldn’t they see that sometimes people just need to be left alone?

Plunging my hands in the soapy water to fish around for the last of the silverware, I let my mind wander to happier times with Tyler. For some reason, many of them involved Kayde as well. Absently, I washed, rinsed, and set the silverware to the side where Marla picked them up, drying them and placing them in the drawer. We worked silently until I pulled the plug and the sudsy water drained, leaving a big puff of foamy bubbles quietly popping.

My shoulders sagged, and I felt tears building all the way down in my throat. Marla reached over and rubbed my back. “Honey, are you sure you want to be alone tonight? I can stay if you need me to. My sister will understand.” Tyler’s aunt had flown in from Canada for the funeral and was staying with Marla.

“Yeah, I’m sure. I need to be alone. Today… it was too much. I need to try to shut my brain off for a while, you know?” My watery eyes rose and met with the face that was such a reminder of Tyler. They had looked so much alike. It hurt. Thunder rumbled outside, and I jumped when a loud crack of lightning split the sky.

“If you’re sure, then I’ll see if your father needs any help cleaning up in the living room.” She wrapped me in a brief hug before stepping back and giving me a sad, watery smile. My heart ached and broke at the reminder that she had lost her only child.

A throat cleared behind me, and I turned to look into the eyes of my dad. “Hey, niña, do you need me or Christian to help you with anything else? We got the living room situated and took out the trash. We can stay if you need us to.”

Shit, why did everyone think them staying would make anything better or different? Sighing, I knew it wasn’t their fault. I was angry at myself for even thinking that way.

“No, Papi. You’ve already done so much. Thank you.” He had been in his dress clothes all day, and I could tell he was uncomfortable. My dad was a blue-collar guy who worked construction his whole life. The only time he dressed up was Sunday for church, and days like today.

Walking toward me, he held his arms out. Like I had when I was a little girl, I rushed into them, burying my head in his strong chest. Beefy arms wrapped me up, and for a moment everything was right with the world. Of course, unlike when I was a child, that didn’t last long before the reality of life crept in. Gently extricating myself from his embrace, I stepped back and offered a sad smile. “I love you, Papi. Thank you again. I’ll come by in a few days. I just need some time.”

His chocolate-brown eyes filled with worry, but he pressed his lips flat and gave a curt nod. After kissing my cheek, he moved toward the door where he spoke quietly with Marla, her hand resting lightly on his sleeve. My dad had never dated anyone after my mother left us. We all thought that he and Tyler’s mom had a thing for each other, but when Tyler and I started dating, they seemed to avoid each other. Only lately had they been seen chatting occasionally.

“Love you, sis.” My brother’s deep voice invaded my silent contemplation. He hugged me as well, his big self swallowing me. He and my dad made me feel tiny. Yeah, I was only five foot four, but they were big guys for our heritage. My dad came from Mexico when he was a little boy and had worked with his dad and brothers in the fields as they did migrant farm work. When my brother was born, he swore his son would get an education and have a good job, not do menial work from the time he could walk. He wanted better for his children, but whether he believed it or not, we were so proud of him. His whole life had been sacrificed for us after my mom ran off, and he never complained once.

Christian had made him beam with pride the day he graduated college. Then the day he completed the police academy and joined the police force… well, you would have thought my brother hung the moon. Honestly, he cried the day I graduated with my degree in nursing, a twenty-four-carat smile covering his face. Through all the cheering, I still heard my dad, Christian, and Tyler yelling for me as I walked across the stage.

Speaking of, I made a mental note to call my supervisor. We hadn’t ironed out how long I was going to be gone. We had a mandatory two-week grieving policy because they felt you couldn’t be a safe nurse if you were still in the active grief process. In all truthfulness, I needed to be back. Maybe staying busy and not having time to think about my own shit would be better. Then again, I was worried I wouldn’t be a safe nurse because I may be distracted. It was just so much to process.

Tomorrow. I would think about it more tomorrow.

“I love you too, Christian. Thank you.” My voice cracked, and the tears threatened to fall again. His thick thumbs swiped under my eyes.

“Shhhh. It’s okay, sis. Get some rest after we leave. You look exhausted, and it can’t be good for the baby.” My brother was the only one who knew about the baby, other than Tyler. Not even Marla or my dad knew. It was so early we had decided to wait to tell people in case “something” happened. Never in a million years had I thought that “something” we had worried about would happen to him. Now I prayed daily that everything went well with my pregnancy. He or she was all any of us would have left of Tyler.

“I know. I’ll try. I promise.”

He shook his head before kissing the top of mine. Without another word, I followed him to the door and out to the screen porch, where he placed his hand on our dad’s shoulder and they waved one last time before they all stepped outside into the pouring rain.

My eyes followed them as they rushed to their vehicles, watching until their red taillights disappeared into the night. In resignation, I closed and locked the porch storm door, then the entry. Shuffling to the couch, I dropped down in the center, pulled the afghan from the back, and curled up in a ball.

There was no telling how long I lay there, staring vacantly at the powerless television before a knock at the door registered in my brain. Blinking rapidly to clear my vision, it dawned on me that I had been crying. With a frown, I sat up and looked at the clock. It was late, but not obscenely late.

Flipping on the porch light, I opened the entry door. Through the rain running down the glass of the storm door, I saw a tall man standing stoically in the downpour. Without thought to my safety or who this man could be, I rushed to unlock the storm door so he could step in out of the rain. Raindrops made his lashes spiky and dripped from his body onto the carpet.

When I looked up into familiar stormy-gray eyes, my chest felt like it caved in upon itself. My breath stuck in my throat, and my knees buckled before I caught myself and straightened.

“Kayde.” His name was a whispered prayer from my frozen lips. Heart racing, I threw myself into his soaking wet body, uncaring that he was drenching me to the skin. A stuttered breath shook his chest under my cheek before his hands caressed my hair and back. Sobs overtook me, and a flood of tears, rivaling the downpour happening outside, cascaded down my cheeks.

“Ah, mi alma. Shhh. I’m here, niña.” The softly spoken, soothing words ran over me, and I held him tightly, afraid he was a figment of my weary imagination. Maybe I had wished him here. If I had fallen asleep on the couch and had dreamed him, I didn’t want to wake up. But the strength of his body was so real against me, the warmth of his firm muscles soaking through the wetness of his clothing. “Now you’ve damn near gotten yourself as wet as I am. Come on, let’s get you inside and into some dry clothes.”

With gentle force, he peeled me off him and guided me into the house, closing the door to the wet cold. When I realized he didn’t know where to take me to get changed, I told him I’d be right back and rushed toward the back of the house, where the bedroom I had shared with Tyler was. It wasn’t until I stood in front of the mirror and looked at my wet black dress that I realized I still hadn’t changed from the funeral.

Before he could disappear, I hurried to strip from the wet dress, stockings, and underwear and pulled on a worn pair of UTSA sweats, from when I went to UT Health San Antonio, and a soft old tee. Foregoing socks, I rushed to the closet and forced myself to grab a pair of Tyler’s running pants and a T-shirt for Kayde to change into. It was difficult, ignoring the pang in my heart as I grabbed some of Tyler’s clothes from where they still hung, as if he would be home to change into them any minute. Stopping briefly at the linen closet, I swooped a fluffy towel out and ran back to where I had left him.

Breathless, I stopped abruptly in the archway opening to the living room, where Kayde still stood on the mat looking uncomfortable. Water continued to drip from his hair, fingertips, and clothing. Feeling bad, I belatedly realized I should have let him change first.

Chewing on my lip, I cautiously walked toward him. “Umm, I thought you might want to put something dry on. I can put your clothes in the dryer until you need to go.” In my mind, I prayed he wouldn’t leave too soon. God, I had missed him so damn much. Still afraid he may be all in my imagination, I blinked rapidly. When he remained in front of me and offered a sad smile, I realized he was really there.

He glanced at the clothes held tightly in my fingers, and a flash of pain and sadness flickered in his eyes before he seemed to force it down. “Umm, yeah, that would be great.” His throat swallowed hard as I shoved the clothes in his hands.

“The bathroom is back there, under the stairs. Or you can go to my room….” My voice trailed off awkwardly.

“The bathroom is fine. Thanks, Sera.”

Kneeling, he removed his boots and cuffed his jeans so they wouldn’t leave a wet trail on the hardwood floor. After he walked into the bathroom and softly closed the door, I sat on the edge of the couch. Nervously rolling the edge of my T-shirt in my fingers, I waited impatiently for him to return.

Padding into the living room, he held his clothes wrapped in the towel. Jumping up, I took the bundle from him and went to the kitchen where my washer and dryer were behind bifold doors. After starting the dryer, I spun to rush back to the living room and, with a yelp, smacked into a hard wall of muscle. I hadn’t even heard him come up behind me.

“Jesus, you scared me!”

With a firm grip, he held my arms. The heat of his palms seemed to scald the skin of my biceps where they grasped me. My breath hitched.

“I’m sorry, baby girl. I didn’t mean to.” Silence engulfed us before he pulled me to his chest and cradled my head in his massive hand. For what seemed like forever, we stood there with only the sound of our breathing and the ticking of the old clock on the wall surrounding us. Each of us needing the strength of the other to ground ourselves.

“I’m so sorry you had to go through all of this alone. I….” His words trailed off, and he squeezed me tightly before letting go and grabbing my hand. “You wanna go sit down? We could talk or watch TV or just chill. Whatever you want. Or if you would rather I wasn’t here, I can go. I’ll understand. I just thought maybe—”

“No! Don’t go! Please… God, Kayde, I’ve missed you.” My mind was still reeling with the fact that he was here. Beating like a thousand butterflies in my chest, my heart felt like it was on the verge of bursting.

This crazy boy had made me so happy at a time when I thought my life was in a violent downward spiral. Just him showing up on my doorstep helped pull my soul out of the black abyss it had plummeted into after Tyler was killed. Seeing him in front of me brought such joy to me, but also made it sink in how badly I had missed him being around. Even with all the happiness I felt with Tyler in the beginning, looking back, I realized there had been a void in my existence. That void was created by the loss of Kayde in my day-to-day life. He had been such an anchor to me from the first day I met him and my young self “claimed” him as my best friend. Little did I realize how much I would rely on him and need him.

Before he could escape or disappear if he was indeed my imagination, I clutched his hand tightly and led him to the couch. When I sat down, he didn’t have much of a choice but to sit as well. There was an unfamiliar hesitancy in his actions that hurt my heart. Before he left—no, before Tyler, he had been so happy and at ease around me. My eyes dropped to where our hands were joined, and I absently ran my fingers along the uncharacteristic callouses and rough skin.

“I’m so glad you came. I didn’t think you got my e-mails and messages, but Kayde, what’s going on with you? You’ve been so distant from me these last five years. You hardly ever talk to me. Hell, you barely spoke to Tyler. And… well, I’m sorry about Christian. I really thought he would come around….” His short huff had me looking over at him. “I really don’t know why he’s holding such a grudge. I wish I could take us all back to the days when we were carefree and close.”

“Those days are long gone, and there’s no use or sense in wishing for things that are unrealistic.” He dropped his head to the back of the couch and his eyes closed. “Time passes, and the choices we make determine our fate. We can’t undo any of that, any more than you can hold water in a net.”

“What happened to you to make you so cynical? You used to be so optimistic and happy, Kayde. Then you up and left for the Marine Corps—out of the blue, I might add—and you cut us all out of your life. Now this negative person I don’t recognize shows up on my doorstep. I don’t understand. Please help me understand.” It may have been stupid, but I just wanted everything back the way it was when Tyler was alive, Kayde was here, and we were all happy. Life’s unfairness was pulling me under like a massive undertow, and it was cracking the fragile grip I still had on my sanity.

“If you had seen and done the things I have, you would understand. But there’s no way in hell I’ll tarnish your goodness with the filth I carry in me. But I didn’t come here to talk about my downfalls and faults. I wanted to make sure there was nothing you needed. Not that there is anything that can make any of this better. I never should have… Fuck.” His voice cracked, and he turned his head slightly away from me.

By sheer instinct, I reached out to cup his face and turn him back toward me until our foreheads rested against each other. Every breath I took was his, and his stormy eyes were the darkest of gray. “Stop. This was out of our hands. It was pure shit luck, but it wasn’t any of our fault.”

Closing his eyes briefly before looking back into mine, he spoke so softly, I barely heard him. “But if I had stayed and joined the police force like we all planned, I could have been here to protect him or save him. I failed him.”

My heart broke for this sweet man who carried so much on his shoulders. Without thought, but trying rashly to offer comfort, I softly pressed my lips to his, tasting the salt of my tears that I hadn’t even realized I had cried.

Suddenly I was pulled to straddle his lap, and he was kissing me in what could only be described as sheer desperation. But I’m not going to lie, it was the most indescribable moment of my life. My entire body felt buoyant, floating free and unfettered. Tingling rippled from the tips of my fingers to the tips of my toes. Breathlessness stole over me, and my chest fluttered as if the butterflies of earlier were made of marble, battering my chest wall, trying to escape. My fingers grasped at his hair to find purchase that the short locks wouldn’t allow.

His hands slid up my back and into my hair where he clutched it tightly in his fingers, pulling my head away and back, exposing my neck to his lips, tongue, and teeth. My chest heaved, and he circled my nipple through the worn T-shirt, suckling until I whimpered. I pressed into him and felt his hardness pulsing against me.

Frantic need poured over me, and my fingers plucked and pulled at his clothing until they skated along his warm skin. A groan escaped him as he licked and sucked my other nipple, the vibrations moving from my breast to my core, causing heat and need to pool. The heat of his tongue made me realize he had lifted my shirt, giving him free access to worship my breasts equally.

“Fucking Christ, you’re as perfect as I always knew you would be.” His whispered words sent fire skittering across my chest, inciting an inferno of need between my legs. My hands slipped down into the waistband of his pants, pushing them down on his hips as I circled his length with my fingers. The silken skin of his cock slid smoothly through my hand as I gripped him tightly. He thrust up into my hand as he moaned my name. He was velvety soft over his rigid length, and I longed to feel it against my tongue.

He gripped the waistband of my sweats and jerked them down as I raised enough to let him slide them farther down. Never in my life was I more thankful for their oversized flexibility.

When I felt the heat of him pressing at my opening, we both froze momentarily. He didn’t so much as blink, and I knew we both held our breath until I dropped down, encasing him in my wet sheath. At that time, our exhales rushed from us with the force of a freight train.

“Holy shit. Sera. Fuck. You… Oh my God.” His disjointed thoughts matched my own; I could only close my eyes and feel. God, nothing had ever felt so good and right in all my life. Being connected to Kayde in this primitive way was like sweet heavenly bliss. For the first time in my life, I felt whole.

“Given Up”—Linkin Park

NEVER IN A BILLION years would I have imagined I would be like this with Sera. It felt like I had waited my entire life for this moment. Every nerve ending in my body screamed in complete and utter satisfaction. Fuck, it was heaven on earth, with my own personal angel actually here in my arms. Burying my face against her neck, I held her tight, preventing her from moving because I knew if she did, I would be lost.

Shit, who was I kidding? I was already lost. She had owned my heart since she was almost four and I was only five. Now she owned my very soul—what was left of it anyway. When she began to fidget and squirm, I held her even tighter until I couldn’t stand it any longer, gripping her hips in a bruising hold.

“Sera. Don’t. Move,” I ground out. She didn’t listen and continued to wiggle on my lap as she whimpered in need. My face still pressed to the curve of her neck and shoulder, I inhaled her sweet, sweet scent, and I was gone. Ruthlessly, I thrust up into her tight, wet heat, raising her up until her perfect tits pressed into my face. When she held my head to her, I savagely suckled her breasts, leaving red marks from my scruff on her smooth, golden skin. My teeth nipped, and then I reverently soothed her with my tongue.

Her pussy wrapped so tight around my cock, I didn’t think I would last five minutes. Each stroke into her was pure, unadulterated rapture. It was unlike anything I’d ever experienced in my entire twenty-four years. Once I started moving in her, I couldn’t stop. She just felt too fucking good. It was like coming home. It was so… right.

It wasn’t just me though, because she rode me just as hard. Frantic need washed like a tidal wave over the two of us as we slammed into each other. The echo of skin hitting skin filled my ears and drove me harder, faster, deeper with each movement. The pleasure continued to build until we were both racing toward the ecstasy that seemed so close, but just out of reach.

My rough hands skimmed over her lush, soft curves. She was perfect. So fucking perfect. Nirvana bloomed on the edge of my senses. So close. In. Almost. Out. Yes. In. Fuuuuuck. There….

My brain barely registered the roar that burst from the depths of my soul when her luscious body tensed against me and her pussy began to pulse around me. Vaguely, I heard her whisper-moan my name. Our emotional pain bled away, and all that was left was euphoria, a relaxing ebb and flow of the tide of our gratification.

Enveloping her in my arms, I held her close, and for the first time since I was a baby, I cried. Tears fell for the boy I used to be, for the loss of my childhood friend, for the loss of the friendship we three boys had, for the hesitation and lack of self-worth that kept me from claiming her for myself back when I was still young and innocent and more deserving of her than I was now. She held me as tightly as I held her, and without words, she allowed my tears to cleanse my soul. When she pulled back and kissed my face, catching my tears with her tongue, I felt shame.

This beautiful, forgiving angel had allowed me to use her body and then cry over my sorrows when it was she who had lost her husband. One of my best friends.

At that thought, all the goodness and light she had built around me with her selfless acts crumbled, and I felt like the biggest piece of shit that had ever walked the earth.

What the hell had I just done?

Pushing her off me, I stood and jerked my pants up, feeling our combined fluids coating me. Jesus, what the fuck? No. Goddamn it, I was so fucked up. Her face registered surprise and shock at my actions. She should be shocked. I held myself in contempt.

“Kayde,” she began as she righted herself, then stood and took a step toward me. “What just happened?”

“What just happened? We never should have done that, that’s what happened! Oh my God.” My hands laced behind my neck, I paced as I tried to make sense of my actions. If I honestly analyzed my feelings, I truly didn’t feel regret at what we had done, just guilt that I could be so selfish. Because I fucking loved it. In fact, my body wanted her again. And again. And again. Until neither of us could stand. Until there wasn’t a coherent thought in either of our heads. Until she loved me as much as I loved her.

But I also knew that was ridiculous and wishful thinking. I didn’t deserve her. Not in the slightest. She was everything good, and I was everything bad.

“Don’t say that.” Hurt saturated her whispered plea.

“¡Caray! Don’t say that? Don’t say what, Sera? The truth? We shouldn’t have done that. It was wrong of me to do that to you. I defiled you, and I can’t take that back!”

Her hurt morphed to anger. “Are you fucking serious right now? You defiled me? Really? Kayde, you were always one of the sweetest and kindest boys I knew. How could you ‘defile’ me? That’s ridiculous!” Her shouted words only made me angrier.

“Goddamn it, Sera! I’m not the same person I was back then!” I yelled.

“None of us are, Kayde! That’s life!” She was magnificent in her fury.

“You don’t understand the things I’ve done! ¡Dios en el cielo! You deserve better than anything I could give you. Better than anything I am.”

“Stop.” The mixed expression of shock and hurt on her face ripped at my chest.

“No! Jesus fucking Christ, Sera. I just fucked my dead best friend’s wife on the night of his goddamn funeral, for fuck’s sake! What the hell kind of person does that?”

At the word “dead,” she gasped through her teeth.

Pain laced through her every word. “Kayde. You didn’t force me. I’m a grown woman. I have the ability to make my own choices. We needed each other, and we shared something beautiful in that need.” A slender hand reached out and softly slid down my arm, but before she could grasp my hand in hers, I stepped back.

“Then choose to forget about me. Forget this happened. It was fucked up and it was a mistake. I’m sorry. It should’ve never happened.”

Without another glance in her direction, because I was afraid it would be my undoing and I would stay to take her again, I grabbed my boots and walked out her door into the pouring rain, barefoot. Tossing my boots in the passenger side of my Jeep, I climbed in and slammed the door.

Fingers gripping the steering wheel, I willed myself not to look at her, but just like Lot’s wife, I couldn’t resist. As I pulled away, I took one last glance at her standing on her top step, getting drenched in the downpour. Unfortunately, I didn’t turn to salt. Which would have been for the best, because then the rain could have just washed me away.

That last image of her would be burned into my memory for years to come. Despite the rain, I could see the tears that ran down her face as she screamed for me to stop.

Chest aching like someone had cut the last of my heart out, I kept driving. Stopping at my abuela’s long enough to throw my meager belongings in my duffel bag, I didn’t wake anyone to tell them I was leaving. Instead, I grabbed a piece of paper from my grandfather’s desk and jotted down a quick note full of bullshit about having an emergency back at base and having to leave immediately. It would be a long time before I came back, but I didn’t write that. My family meant the world to me, but the fear of what I might do to Sera if I stayed any longer or came back too soon pushed me to go.

She didn’t need my kind of trouble.

It was early the next evening when I pulled up to the address Erik had sent me after I called him to tell him I was almost there. The sky was an overcast dark gray that matched my mood just fine. Wisely, he hadn’t asked why I was showing up so suddenly. The trip had been miserable. Between driving in the damn snow halfway here and no sleep… shit, truthfully, that wasn’t even that bad compared to the fact that the whole fucking drive I smelled her on my skin. The scent of her exotic spicy perfume and sex filled my Jeep. Jesus, I needed a damn shower. ASAP.

Looking out my window, I studied Erik’s family home. The house was an old Victorian house. A big fucking house. Like in my world, it would damn near be a mansion. What the fuck was Jaeger thinking, joining the Marine Corps when his family was obviously rich?

Not my business.

When I looked up, I noticed him standing on the massive porch leaning on his crutches. Giving him a nod, I turned off the ignition and climbed out, stretching my leg, which felt like my muscles had been knotted up into my groin from sitting so long. Reaching for my bag, I decided it could stay in the Jeep for a while; I’d get it later. Tromping through the snow that had accumulated on the sidewalk, I headed toward the warmth of the house.

“Hey, man, the drive okay? Good to have your Jeep back?” Steam cohabited with his words as he spoke. Yeah, that’s fucking cold to me. He leaned his crutches against the side of the house so he could hug me. Hey, it was a manly kind of hug, not some sissified hug. I’m not ashamed to say I loved this guy like the brother I never had.

Looking over my shoulder at my lifted, blacked-out Jeep Wrangler with oversized tires and wheels on it, I grinned. I fucking loved my Jeep. My plans were to modify it for rock crawling. “Yeah, that drive was long as fuck, but it was okay. And hell yeah. It sucked having it stored at my family’s while we were gone. I missed it. You still using your crutches? Thought you’d be going for runs by now.” Giving him shit again made me feel more normal.

“Shit, I try but my mom trips. I walk just fine, but she’s all worried and taking my doctor’s orders to the T. So pretty much I just carry them around and use them when she’s looking.” Snickering, he looked over his shoulder to make sure she wasn’t anywhere around. Trying not to, but failing, I busted out laughing at this grown man being afraid of catching shit from his mom. Aw, who the hell was I kidding? I’d be the same with my abuela.

“Erikson, is this your friend? Why are you making him stand out here? He must be freezing coming here from Texas. Come in! And you better be using those crutches, not just having them hold up the walls.”

Erik looked sheepishly at her before she stepped back and motioned me in. Little did she know, it could get downright fricking freezing in the mountains in Afghanistan, especially at night. But it was definitely colder here than back home. And I fucking hated the cold.

“Yeah, Erikson, get your damn crutches.” Mumbling quietly to him as I walked past him made me grin.

“Man, fuck you. Indigo.”

“Erikson! Language!”

We laughed, and that earned us both a dirty look, which we appeared duly chastised for. Moms were a novelty to me since mine was never around long. “So, are you boys staying here and heading back together? Erickson never told me what his plans were.”

Erik rolled his eyes as he stood behind her where she couldn’t see him. “That’s because he never told me if he was coming for sure until this afternoon, when he was a couple hours out from here.”

His dry reply brought back my reason for heading up here when I did, and I struggled to swallow the baseball-sized lump in my throat. Never able to get anything past him, I noticed as he narrowed his eyes at my actions.

His mom was oblivious to the unspoken conversation going on behind her as we made our way to the kitchen. “Well, I’ve got coffee or hot chocolate, if you want something warm, or there is beer in the fridge.” Erik’s look of “Are you serious? You won’t let me drink right now!” had me pulling my lips between my teeth to keep from laughing.

“Coffee’s fine, Mrs. Jaeger. Thank you, ma’am.”

“Oh, look at those manners! But please, call me Sheila. There’s sugar on the table and creamer in the fridge.” She bustled around the kitchen, pulling mugs from the cupboard and pressing the button on the Keurig to start my cup of coffee. She handed it to me when it was done, and I held the cup in my cold hands, allowing the heat radiating through the ceramic to warm them. She was right that it was cold out. Not the coldest I’d ever experienced, but cold just the same.

“Thank you, ma’am. I mean Mrs. Sheila. Black is fine though.”

His mom’s blush made her appear like a young girl despite the fine lines around her eyes. She seemed like a kindhearted woman, and I could see several physical resemblances between her and her son. It made me feel the ache of longing for my mother. Not for the first time, I wondered why I was never good enough for my mom and dad to keep.

“Of course! Are you hungry? I could make you something.” She began to rummage around in the refrigerator, already looking for something before I could even answer.

“No, thank you, Mrs. Sheila. I actually grabbed something at a drive-through in a town I went through not far from here. But I appreciate the offer.”

As she abandoned her search, she stood and some of her blonde hair slipped from her sloppy bun. “Okay, well, if you change your mind, you let me know. I’m going to go make sure there are plenty of towels in your bathroom. Erikson will show you to your room whenever you’re ready. I’ll just let you two boys visit. It’s a pleasure to have you here, young man.” With a smile, she left the room, and Erik dropped to a chair at the table that was in a nook off the kitchen.

“Thank God. I love her, but she hasn’t left me alone the whole time I’ve been here.” His hands ran through his dark hair, leaving it standing on end all over the place.

“That hair doesn’t look in regulation, Jaeger.” Setting my cup on a coaster at the table, I dropped into the chair across from him with a smirk.

“Man, fuck off.” As soon as he said the cuss word, he cringed and looked around for his mom. It was funny as shit. “So, you’ll be in the guest room next to my sister. Bexley is in town because she’s on break from school. She goes to Iowa State and stays with my brother Jonathan while she’s there, but comes home over breaks. Don’t fuck with my sister.” His deadpan expression had me shaking my head at him.

“Dude, don’t worry. The last thing I need is female trouble right now.” Slouching back in my chair, I took a tentative sip of my coffee. “You grew up here?” Changing the subject, I gestured around me with a nod of my head.

“Yeah, I did. Man, this house holds a lot of memories. My parents keep talking about selling it after Bexley graduates this year, and it tears my guts apart, you know?” Standing slowly, he walked over to make himself a cup of coffee—without his crutches. “But they keep saying it’s too big. So I keep telling them it will be full of grandkids one day and they’ll be thankful for the space.” I think it dawned on him what he had said, because I saw the shadow that crossed his face. He’d told me about why he joined the Marines, so I knew that was a sore subject for him.

“You planning on giving them grandkids after what happened?” My voice was soft and sincere, all joking set aside. He damn near avoided women like the plague after what he’d been through.

“Fuck no. But if I had my guess, my oldest brother, Jon, will be having one before we know it.” Returning to the table, he looked me in the eye and hit me with what I knew he’d been just biding his time to ask. “So what gives? You told me you had stuff with your family and didn’t know if you would make it. Then suddenly you call me and say you’re almost here. Now you say you don’t need female trouble. What the fuck happened to make you change your mind and show up here like that? Was it Sera?”

My eyes closed to avoid meeting his, but all I saw was Sera, so I opened them and stared sightlessly at the cooling coffee in my cup. This wasn’t something I wanted to talk about yet. “No. It was nothing, man, just needed to get away from everything there. Besides—” I looked up and forced a grin on my face. “—I missed your ugly ass.”

“Man, what-the-fuck-ever. All right. No problem. You tell me when you’re ready.” Didn’t know when that would ever be. Just the thought of talking about Tyler’s death, then what happened with Sera, made it hard to breathe.

“Man, I need a smoke. You mind if I step out onto the porch real quick?”

“No problem, but know that if my mom sees you, she’s gonna be ragging on you to quit.” Smirking, he waved me to the kitchen door that led to the back porch. The frigid air had me smoking in record time before I rushed back in to the warmth of the kitchen.

“¡Chingados! It’s cold out there. How do you live in a place like this? Damn!” Shivering head to toe, I sat back at the table where I grabbed the still-hot mug and wrapped my fingers tight around its blessed heat. Ignoring his chuckle, I took as big a drink of the steaming brew as I could.

After I started to thaw, we sat there in silence, drinking our coffee and letting our demons swirl in our heads.

“Broken”—Seether (feat. Amy Lee)

THE NIGHT KAYDE DROVE away, I wanted to die. It was as if I had lost him all over again, on top of losing my husband. Despite the fact that Tyler and I were planning to divorce, we were still great friends and I loved him. The baby growing in my belly was the only thing that kept me from wanting to end my life—and that’s the God’s honest truth. My mind was shattered along with my heart. It felt like everyone I loved abandoned me.

My mother had left us and never looked back. We had no idea if she was even still alive. Kayde left after I graduated, and we rarely heard from him. Tyler died on me. He was young and should still be here, chasing his dreams and looking for the true love he so deserved. Instead he was cold in the ground. My brother could hardly be around me anymore because I reminded him of the loss of both of his best friends. Then Kayde left me… again.

Showing up the way he did, I thought he finally realized he loved me and was back to be with me. Instead, he gave me one of the most incredible experiences of my life and then told me to forget about him. How did he think that was even possible? If I had never forgotten him after he went off to be a Marine and into dangerous situations all the time—all without really keeping in touch—how did he think I could just pretend that night never happened?

Because that night, he showed me how very wrong I’d been all those years ago. My young, fickle heart had been so giddy with infatuation and conceit that Tyler had picked me over the hundreds of girls who drooled after the three of them that I had failed to see the truth.

The truth was, I had always loved Kayde. Probably from the day I met him when I was a little girl of almost four years old. It took me years to understand my brother’s comment that he always thought it would be Kayde. My brother evidently saw more than I did, because I was just now realizing the reason it tore me up so bad when he left.

Now he was gone again, but this time he’d completely cut me off. He’d obviously been disgusted with me for having sex with him the same day Tyler was laid to rest. Maybe not my finest hour, but was it so wrong for two people to seek comfort in each other at a time when they felt so very alone and lost?

Regardless, Kayde had essentially disappeared. So I swore I wouldn’t seek him out anymore. That included asking his family for information about him, much like a dog begging for scraps. Going against my own promise to myself, however, I went to his abuela’s the last time I went over to see my dad. Of course, they hadn’t had any real info to give me. They said he had left them a note saying he had to return to base for an emergency, but I knew better. Not that I said anything to them, because it would have broken his poor abuela’s heart. They said since he left, he had contacted them every time he returned from a mission to let them know he was safe, but that was it.

I was such a liar. No matter how much I told myself I wasn’t going to try to contact him, it tore me apart with the way we left things that night. So, like a fool, I had reached out. Except all the text messages I sent went unanswered, sitting perpetually on nothingness. His voice mail picked up every time I called, and then it’d been changed to a generic phone number one, so I wasn’t sure if he changed that or his number altogether. The first few times I left messages. After that, I quit trying, worried I was leaving messages on someone else’s new number.

My e-mails came back as undeliverable.

Letters came back return to sender, address unknown.

Months had passed, and nothing. Not a word.

Looking down at my beautiful son, I slid my finger along the curve of his soft, chubby cheek. If I didn’t know any better, he could’ve been Kayde’s son. I knew the curling, wavy hair was from me, but with it being inky black, it looked so much like Kayde’s. When he wasn’t sleeping, his eyes were a stormy blue. Of course, I knew they would probably change, but I didn’t know what they would end up being—blue like Tyler’s summer blue eyes, or hazel like mine.

The day little Tyler was born, the only one in the delivery room with me had been Marla. When I told everyone his name was going to be Tyler Kayde Healy, she had cried and told me her Tyler would have been so proud. Maybe it was stupid of me to name him after Kayde as well, but it felt right. Christian had just harrumphed, but I saw the small smile and the brief light in his eyes when I told him and my dad.

As I sat rocking Tyler, or Ty as I had taken to calling him, my mind wandered to times gone by, randomly and slowly flitting from one memory to the next. Shaking the old visions from my head, I told myself I needed to lay him down so I didn’t spoil him, but God, I didn’t want to let him go. Even though the little munchkin was getting heavy, and at his appointment today the doctor had told me he was in the ninety-eighth percentile for his height and weight, meaning he was a big boy. I still loved the feel of his chubby body in my arms, the scent of his baby-lotion-scented skin as I kissed his forehead. He turned six months old the other day, and he would never know his father. He also had yet to meet his namesake. It hurt.

When the doorbell rang, my little boy jumped in my arms but remained asleep. With a heavy sigh, I stood and placed him in his crib, kissing my fingers before touching them to his head, then rushing to the door before they rang the damn bell again.

Ever cautious, I looked out the living room window through the front porch to see a man in a suit standing there. Glancing past him to the street, I saw what appeared to be an unmarked police car. He looked vaguely familiar, but I couldn’t place him.

Stepping warily onto the porch, I was glad I always locked the storm door. “Can I help you?”

“Yes, ma’am, I’m Detective Madison. I’ve been working your husband’s case, and I was wondering if you had a few minutes so I could ask you a few questions.” He had my interest, but I was confused. Now I remembered who he was though. He had stopped by to talk to me and check on me several times after Tyler’s murder. A lot of the guys had though. They still stopped by at least once a week. Just a speculation, but I was pretty sure my brother had something to do with that.

“Umm, okay. Did you find the guy?” It had been over a year, after all. You would think it wouldn’t be that damn hard to find a guy who shot a cop during a route traffic stop, but it had been a damn cluster fuck from the beginning. The plates on the car had been stolen, the name he gave Tyler—along with his driver’s license—had turned out to be fake, and of course, neither Tyler’s dash cam nor his body cam had yielded decent video footage of the driver to attempt any facial recognition.

In a day where we watched shows about the crafty ways law enforcement utilized state-of-the-art technology to capture criminals, I found most of it was bullshit and the only places that shit was used was in wealthy areas and on TV.

“Could I come in for a moment? Here’s my badge if you want to call and check that I’m legitimate.” He held out his badge for my inspection, his dark brown eyes earnest and calm, but I shook my head. It was unnecessary; I remembered him pretty clearly now.

“It’s fine, come on in. Would you like some coffee? Water?” He politely declined, and I motioned for him to have a seat at the kitchen table as I turned up the baby monitor and set it on the counter behind me.

He proceeded to fill me in on the lack of information and leads they had. “Can you think of anything out of the ordinary that may have happened around that time? Anything you can remember may be helpful.”

“Like I told everyone before, there was nothing. It had been like any other morning and day. Nothing special, nothing concerning. Tyler was in a great mood, went through his morning routine like always, no changes, no concerns. And after so much time has passed, I doubt anyone is going to come forward with any new information, and I certainly don’t remember anything I didn’t remember then. No offense, Detective.”

“Please, call me Lawrence. And it’s fine, this is just a formality. Also, I wanted to check on you to make sure you and your son were doing okay and didn’t need anything. We stick together, and you’re still one of us—you and your son.”

Though the sentiment was nice, I didn’t really feel like I was part of the force family. It felt more like I was an obligatory burden. “I appreciate that, Lawrence. Really, I do, but we’re as good as we can be. We’re just trying to live our life. That’s all.”

“Well, if there’s anything I can do for you, please don’t be afraid to ask.” He reached into the inside pocket of his jacket and handed me one of his cards. Nodding my thanks, I fought the tears that clogged my throat. Kindness was hard for me to accept.

He stood to go, and I walked him to the door. Just as he was stepping out the door, he turned and hesitated, running his hand through his short auburn hair. Clearing his throat, he looked down, then into my eyes. “So… Mrs. Healy….” He hesitated again.

“It’s actually Hernandez-Healy, but please, call me Serafina.”

“Serafina.” My name rolled across his tongue, and he smiled. His face brightened with that smile, and I realized he was a handsome man. “Umm, maybe I’m out of line, and you can tell me if I am, but… well, would you like to have dinner sometime?”

That was a surprise. In the time since Tyler was lost to me, not one single guy had asked me out. Of course, not a lot of guys were jumping at the thought of a ready-made family, and most probably assumed I was in a relationship when they saw me with Ty. It hadn’t bothered me though, because I wasn’t ready for the whole dating scene.

So when I accepted his invitation, it was as much a surprise to me as it was to him. But I was getting tired of just existing. Working in the ER, taking care of Ty, and staring at the four walls was the extent of my life these days. I needed a break. Some change. Maybe this would help, and maybe, just maybe, I might be able to forget about Kayde and the way my heart lurched at the mere thought of his name.

“Turn the Page”—Metallica

MOTHERFUCKER. I WAS GETTING too old for this shit, and I was only twenty-seven years old. Too much shit. Getting shot—twice—blown up, stabbed. Yeah, that was the latest. We were clearing a building and this motherfucking kid stabbed me in the side as I slowly turned a corner. He damn near got shot in the fucking face. At the last second, I realized it was a kid and I grabbed him by the scruff of the neck, his giant Ka-Bar still sticking out of my side.

“Jesus, Gunny. You have a fucking knife sticking out of your gut!” The young corporal looked at me like I had a dick on my forehead. This was his first mission in the big A with us. He had promise, but at that moment, I couldn’t help but roll my eyes at him as I gritted my teeth in pain.

“No fucking shit. Can you take this rug rat and get him out of my sight before I wring his goddamn neck? And get the fucking corpsman in here, like now!.” The telltale light-headedness was swimming at the periphery of my vision, and I knew I may not be standing long. Looking down, I watched the drips of crimson blood as it splatted on the floor and the toe of my boot in what appeared to be slow motion. The room began to waver, and I knew I better sit before I fell and made the situation worse.

Sliding down the wall, I tried to take slow, deep breaths, but the pain was getting to be excruciating. Ripping at the shemagh around my neck, I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Through a haze, I heard the muffled voices of the corpsman and my team as they laid me down, worked on me, and called a 9 line MEDEVAC. Shit. This wasn’t how I thought I’d go out. I had been a skilled, methodical machine who had fast-tracked his way up to the rank of E-7. Obviously I was losing my edge. I really thought I would go out in a hailstorm of bullets.

My head flopped from side to side as they carried me on a makeshift stretcher up so many damn stairs, I felt for sure we were heading to heaven. “They won’t let me in,” I mumbled.

“It’s okay, Gunny. We got you. It’s gonna be okay. Just stay with me. What’s my name?” The corpsman held my face to get me to focus on him.

His name? Fuck, he had a name? Focusing on him wasn’t working, though I tried. It was a losing battle however, and I could only see his vibrant green eyes as everything else was swallowed up by a seeping blackness. Then everything was dark.

“It’s about time you fucking woke up.” The familiar voice rang through my ears. Grit coated my eyes, and my lids were heavy as shit. When I reached up to rub my eyes to clear them, all the shit taped to my hand scraped my face.

“The fuck?” Blinking repeatedly until my fuzzy vision began to clear, I looked up and saw Erik sitting by my beside, elbows resting on his knees. “Madre de Dios, what the fuck are you doing here? And where the hell am I?”

Chuckling, he stood and stepped closer to my bed. “Well, you’re about three feet of small intestine shorter, and you’ve been in and out of consciousness for the last few days because you ended up with an infection, probably from that nasty-ass fucking Ka-Bar pig sticker they removed from your side. Now you’re here at Walter Reed. And I rode out here to be with you, because you’re a stubborn-ass motherfucker and you still have me listed as your emergency contact instead of your family. This wasn’t something I could keep from them, however, so your abuela and pops just got here, and they are getting settled in the Fischer House.”

My head dropped back to the pillow, and I closed my eyes. “I feel like I got run over by a fucking Mack truck. Goddamn. I need to get back to the team. They need me and here I am lying in a damn hospital bed.”

“Maguire, when are you going to quit doing this to yourself? When is it going to be enough? The next time, you may not be so lucky, and then I’ll be sitting by your goddamn graveside instead of your bedside.” He sounded mad as hell, and I looked at him in shock. His hands gripped my bed rails so tight his knuckles were white. “And what about your abuela? Her poor heart can’t take much more of this shit.”

“What the fuck are you doing here if all you’re going to do is chew my ass?” Bone weary, my voice sounded as tired as I felt.

“I’m here because you’re probably my best friend and I love you. But fuck, this is the third time I’ve been by your bedside. You aren’t a cat. You don’t have nine damn lives. I’m begging you. As your friend, I’m begging you, please… get the fuck out while you still can.”

My eyes popped open in surprise. “Get out? And do what? This is what I know. This is my job. It’s what I love.”

“Do you? Really? Because if you truly love killing, you’re more of a coldhearted bastard than I ever thought you could be. We all had loyalty and love for every member of our team, but the fucking Marine Corps doesn’t give a shit about you, and they’ll keep sending you out there until you’re dead or wishing you were.”

He had been out so long he didn’t understand. The adrenaline, the rush, the satisfaction of a successful mission. Had I done my fair share of killing? Yeah, probably, but that’s what I was trained to do. That was what I was supposed to do. It was war. It was the nature of the beast. If I didn’t kill them, they were going to kill my battle buddies, my team, innocent people… and that wasn’t happening on my watch. It wasn’t necessarily about the Marine Corps itself, it was about my team.

“¡Dios mío! Mi pobre niño… Oh, Kayde.” The sound of my abuela’s tearful voice made my heart hurt. Seeing the tears slipping down her face made me feel like I’d been stabbed all over again. Fuck, it was like being a teenager again and seeing how bad all my transgressions hurt her. It made me feel like shit, and Erik’s words began to pierce through my emotional armor.

“Abuela, I’m fine.” Except no amount of words would convince her of that for as long as I continued to be strapped to a hospital bed. There was very little I hated more than being stuck in a hospital. It left me feeling trapped. Cornered. Vulnerable.

Fuck, I could smoke a bowl right about now, even just a hit, and I haven’t smoked since joining the Marines almost ten years ago.

Okay, that’s a lie. One time. One time, I had foolishly smoked.

It was while I was on my first leave home. It’d been a shit day because I went over to see Christian to try to make amends. Well, Tyler was there… with Sera. When I saw him tangle his hands in her hair and kiss her, I became so angry, I wanted to break shit. Instead, I went out, got high as fuck, avoided seeing them, then drank water like a fiend the rest of my time home. Luckily, I never got piss-tested after I got back, but I was scared shitless for about three weeks after returning to duty. I never did that shit again. My career had meant everything to me.

Had. I’d just said my career had meant everything.

Abuela continued to fuss over me, and my pops tried his damnedest to get her to calm down, but you had to know my abuela. The tiny woman was a force to be reckoned with when she got worked up. On and on went her Spanish tirade that only I understood.

Erik had gotten up to stand by the window, talking to someone quietly on the phone. That’s when I noticed the leather vest he was wearing, with a patch on it that read “Hacker.” I wondered if it had something to do with his computer skills, which were legendary. When he turned, I saw the big patch with what looked like Hades. “Demented Sons” arched over the top, but the rest I didn’t catch before he turned around to face me again.

After ending his call, he came over and tapped my foot. “I’m going to go grab a bite to eat, give you time with your family. We’ll talk when I get back.” With my nod of agreement, he shook my grandfather’s hand, hugged my abuela, and left the room. The nurses fell all over him as soon as he walked out the door. Typical.

When I chuckled, my grandmother poked me in the shoulder. “¡Mira! It’s not funny. I’m being serious right now! You know I was all in favor of you joining the military, mi hijo, but this is too many times we have come to visit you in the hospital. It’s not right. You’re too young to be gone from this earth, and that’s what’s going to happen next. I feel it in my bones and that… that will kill me.”

Sobering, I looked at my abuela with guilt heavy on my chest. “Abuela, I don’t mean to worry you. It’s not like I planned on some kid stabbing me. I’m careful. Just sometimes shi—uh, things happen. Maybe it’s God’s will. Maybe it’s what I deserve.” Her gasp at my words told me I said them too loud. I didn’t really mean for her to hear that last part.

Thankfully, my nurse came in at that moment and informed us all that it was time for my IV antibiotics. No matter how much I loved my grandmother, she could be a little spitfire, and she had been ramping up to give me the ass chewing of a lifetime.

My grandfather wrapped his massive arm around my little grandma and placed his free hand over mine in my bed. “Mi hijo, we love you. What your grandmother is trying to tell you is that we worry about you, just as we did your uncles, but you’re a grown man and your life choices are your own.” With a last pat of my hand, he moved to steer my grandmother out of the room, whispering that I needed rest and he needed food.

Abuela leaned carefully over the bed, making sure not to bump any of my lines or my injury, and gave me a hug. Raising my right arm up to hug her back pulled on my abdomen, and I winced in pain. She tried to hide it, but I saw the tears in her eyes. It made me feel like shit. It also made me think.

What was I really trying to prove? As Marines, we all knew the things we did made a difference in the small scope of life, but in the big scope? Yeah, not so much. Most of the people we were helping didn’t give a shit; others had selfish reasons for wanting our help. Only a few were actually grateful. Initially I joined the Force Recon unit because I was young and wanted excitement, danger, and thrills. Lately I’d been feeling every mission. My body felt like that of a seventy-year-old man sometimes. The problem was… what the hell would I do with myself if I got out?

It was too late for me to be a cop. I’d seen too much. Skated on the edge of morality, sanity, and ethics too many times to be a good cop. My conscience and heart took a sabbatical a long time ago and had yet to return. The patience and commitment to be a doctor didn’t interest me, though when I was young, I had briefly and secretly thought of being a surgeon. The only reason I had wanted to be a cop in the first place was because Christian and Tyler wanted to be cops. Look where it got them. Tyler was six feet under, and Christian hadn’t been able to find his killer.

No, it wasn’t Christian’s fault the killer hadn’t been found. I got that he was a single man, but you would think when one of their own was shot down in cold blood, they would’ve made a more serious attempt at finding his killer. Instead, most of the detective work had seemed to fall on Christian, when that wasn’t his job.

All these things I knew because of Erik. Maybe it was wrong of me to ask him, but I had him hack into the police data systems to look for what they had found and what they were doing to find Tyler’s killer. The lack of information pissed me off. The official investigation had been handled in such a shitty manner that the entire force should be ashamed.

The problem was, even with Erik’s mad skills, he had come up empty-handed. It was like someone intentionally didn’t want to find the killer. Maybe I should get into private investigative work when I finally got out. I just didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what was right for me.

I had wanted to find Tyler’s killer to give Sera some closure, but I knew I had to do it from a distance. Over the years, any time my abuela brought her name up, I cut her off. There was no way I could handle hearing about her, especially after Abuela slipped and mentioned she was dating. A knife straight to my gut hurt less than that.

So what I did know was I didn’t want to return to San Antonio. By now, Sera must hate me, and she should. The way I left her that last night was such a dick move. Shit, the whole night was a dick move. It had left me feeling so fucking disgusted with myself, I had gone back to duty reckless. Of course, it hadn’t taken me long to ditch the recklessness, because it almost got me and my team in some deep shit. Thankfully I had pulled my head out of my ass before I compromised our mission or our lives.

Maybe Erik and my family were right. Maybe it was time. Time to start a new chapter in my life.

“Iridescent”—Linkin Park

PULLING UP TO MY dad’s house, I couldn’t help but glance longingly next door to Kayde’s old home. As I sat there wishing Kayde would come walking out the front door, flashing his bright smile and raising his hand in a wave, Ty let me know he was awake.

“Momma! Grandpa’s house! Help me. Issss stuck!” Looking back through the rearview mirror, I saw my little man struggling to unbuckle his seat belt from his car seat. Despite only being a few months shy of three, he was such a big boy, it forced me to switch him to a boost-seat-style car seat. He simply didn’t comfortably fit in a toddler car seat anymore.

Ever protective of him, I insisted on getting one with a back that held the strap in the appropriate place and gave him somewhere to rest his head when he fell asleep in the car, as he never failed to do. Since he was a baby, he wouldn’t last five minutes in the car before he was asleep. Unfortunately, he’d been a colicky baby for several months, so I spent a lot of time driving around the neighborhood to allow him to fall asleep. At least that had worked for me; some parents weren’t even that lucky.

Obviously seeing us pull up, my father came out just as I was setting Ty to the ground. A wide grin splitting his face, he swooped my little boy up, swinging him around until Ty giggled uncontrollably. The simple sound of his laughter was music to my ears, and my own smile spread over my face. Ty’s laughter and innocence were two of the only things that brought me joy these days.

“I’ll be in shortly, Papi. I just need to grab the bags.” Every other Saturday, I was off and made dinner for my dad at my childhood home. Today, I had stopped at H-E-B, our grocery store, to pick up fajita fixings. Despite me telling him I had it, my dad took the bags from me and headed inside with Ty in one arm and the bags held in the other.

Just as I was reaching for my purse, Kayde’s grandma peeked out her front door. “Hey, Abuela! How are you doing today?” Everyone in the neighborhood called her abuela because of Kayde, and I was no exception, especially considering I never knew either of my grandmothers.

“Oh, Sera, I’m just fine. I was just on my way to your papi’s house to see if he could help me get my Easter decorations down from the attic. Gus got down everything but my wire Easter egg tree for the yard before he went fishing, and I can’t very well use the boxes of decorations without the tree.” In frustration, she propped her hands on her hips. Abuela went all out for every single holiday. People literally drove from all over to go past her house to see the latest display.

“I can help you.” As I walked toward her front door, she grinned at me, causing deep wrinkles to frame her wise eyes, and a small pang hit me at the realization that she was getting old. Her hair was streaked silver with very little of the midnight black it used to be. Anger at Kayde for his absence in her life over the last few years threatened to overtake me, but I shook it off. She looped her arm through mine and smiled up at me as we went into the house.

As it always did, the smell of something baking assailed my senses as soon as I stepped foot in the front door. She was forever baking bread, biscuits, cookies, pies, cakes—you name it. My stomach rumbled. Passing pictures of Kayde, his uncles, and his mom hanging on the hallway wall, I averted my eyes from a particular picture of all four of us when I was about eleven and the boys were about twelve to thirteen. But not before I absorbed the wide smiles on all our faces, which robbed the one I had been sporting.

The ladder was already propped up under the attic opening, and I frowned thinking she must have been trying to go up there on her own. “Abuela, you shouldn’t be climbing ladders.”

“Pssh! I’m not dead, and I’m careful. But I couldn’t move the box from on top of my tree box. It’s in the corner on the left after you get up there.” As if I didn’t know where she was talking about, she pointed up into the attic.

Holding back my smile the best I could, I climbed up the ladder. It was chilly in the attic, but not too bad. Walking with a crouch over to where she’d directed me, I wondered how Gus maneuvered around up here. The thought of him having to crawl around on his knees had me chuckling as I found the tree.

The box on top of it was a little heavy, and as I set it to the ground, causing the flaps to flutter, I saw why. Reaching into the top, I pulled out one of Kayde’s old sketchbooks. There must have been at least twenty or more of them in there. Nostalgia had me flipping through the one in my hands.

What I saw had my breath catching and my eyes bugging from my head. The book was full of sketches of me. There were charcoal sketches, rough and crude, colored pencil renderings that looked like paintings, detailed pencil drawings, chalk—you name it. And every single one was me.

Some I was laughing, others thoughtful, one I was sleeping in a cheap lounge chair I had bought myself my freshman year of high school when I wanted to “tan” in the backyard. My arm was thrown over my eyes, my other trailing the ground where my glass of lemonade had spilled. I actually remembered that day. He had woken me by tapping the bottom of my foot, then tickling me and telling me I was going to be covered in fire ants if I wasn’t more careful with my sweet drinks.

My senses had gone into overdrive that day, just from the touch of his calloused fingers on the warm skin of my midriff. The contact left me feeling confused and awkward around him the rest of the day. That was when I began to realize that my awareness of him and Tyler had changed. We were no longer little children, and being around them was embarrassing because I was so worried they would know the crazy things my body did when they were near.

Kayde was the worst though. My heart would race, and my belly would tremble like a million butterflies were frantic to escape. Strange tingling would happen between my legs and—oh my God, it made me want to die—my panties would get wet. The first time it happened, I thought I peed myself. It was mortifying. There was no one I could talk to about it because all my friends had crushes on the three of them, and I certainly wasn’t asking Kayde. God!

Tucking the sketchbook of memories away, I quickly grabbed the box I needed and moved to the opening. There was no way I could hand it down to her because it was so awkwardly shaped and heavy that it would’ve knocked her over. Those thoughts had me worried about her safety. It was dangerous that she had even tried to get it down in the first place.

Climbing part way down the ladder, I had to stretch up to slide it through the opening. My sweatshirt rose as I did, and I heard Abuela take a sharp inhaled breath. “Niña! Whatever happened to your back?” Shit. Tugging my hoodie back down to cover the bruises I didn’t realize she would see, I took the last step down and slid the box to the ground.

“Oh, I fell trying to rush up the stairs the other day. It was stupid, and I knew better, but I was running late for work and I was trying to get Ty’s boots, and… well, I was careless. Don’t worry, I’m fine. Just some bumps and bruises for my foolishness.” Pasting a bright smile on my face, I kissed her cheek and told her I needed to get over to my dad’s before Ty ran him ragged.

Her eyes remained narrowed as I left the house and headed next door. Once my back was to her, my smile dropped and I looked at my watch, gauging how much time I had left. While Lawrence allowed me these days with my father, he had strict stipulations on when I should be home. A mere minute late and I would suffer. Thankfully he had left Ty alone, but I was afraid it was only a matter of time before his evil bled over onto my innocent son one way or another.

Like I had a million times over the past year, I told myself I had to find a way out of this fucking mess I had made of my life. Being an ER nurse, I knew how the cycle of abuse worked. People would say I was stupid if they knew what I had been enduring. The problem was, anytime I tried to leave, he made me regret it. My son being his main leverage.

It had taken me over a month to commit to a dinner after my initial acceptance. He was sweet and attentive during the dinner and the six or seven months we dated sporadically. After that, he laid the charm on thick. A little over a year after that first dinner, he persuaded me to move in with him. At the time, it had been a bit of a relief, because memories of Tyler had slammed into me in every nook and cranny of the house we had rented.

Sometimes I blamed my lingering grief, being overwhelmed as a new mother, work, and any number of other things for the signs I missed. Then again, maybe he had just been that good. Before I knew it, he had all my things in his name. My phone was on his plan, Ty switched to a daycare he approved of because he didn’t feel the home daycare I had been using was safe, he had bought me a new car—in his name. Essentially, he had control and access over everything I did and owned. He was a police officer—well, detective. He had worked with my husband. Why would I have reason to think he was hiding a dark, malicious side?

After our first argument, I had tried to call my best friend, Amy, for advice. Before the call connected, he had destroyed my phone and told me our disagreements were our business and we didn’t need to make them worse by involving other people. He had apologized profusely, buying me a new phone, on his plan, to replace mine.

Things had continued to roller coaster. One week he would be the sweet, caring guy I first thought he was, and the next it was a complete one-eighty. Volatile, hateful, and violent. Initially he would apologize after losing his temper and breaking shit, tell me work had been stressful. It wasn’t long before he cut me off from my friends. Any time I wanted to spend time with them, he informed me we had plans that he had “completely forgotten about.” Before long, they quit inviting me anywhere.

The first time I tried to leave, he came out into the garage before I could even get the garage door open and took a baseball bat to my lights, windows, and mirrors. That was how I ended up with the shiny black Charger I now drive—in his name. Fucking hated that car. Pretty sure he had a tracking device on it. Besides, I wanted the red one. Asshole.

The threats continued. If I left he would ruin my brother’s career, or find a way to get my dad arrested and deported, anything to prevent me from gathering up my shit and hitting the highway. Then it progressed. Like I said, I knew things like this got worse, not better, but I was beaten down and scared by that time.

The first time he hit me was because I dropped a cast-iron skillet in the kitchen and cracked the tiles. Of course, he then crouched over where I had stumbled and fallen to the floor, apologizing again, but then telling me I shouldn’t have made him do it, that I should have been “more careful.”

After that it wasn’t long before he would slap me or hit me for imagined infractions. He was always careful not to leave lasting marks anywhere they would be visible. The past threats against my family kept me from trying to leave again, but in my mind, I plotted.

Quickly pasting another fake smile on my face, I entered my dad’s house. “Hey, Papi. Sorry, I had to help Abuela with something.”

He looked up from the book he was reading to Ty to frown at me.

“Ah, mi chiquita, you should have gotten me. I could have helped her so you didn’t have to.” As always, my dad was protective of me, not wanting me to do things he considered “man’s work.” Sometimes he drove me crazy, though I knew he meant well.

“It was no big deal. She just needed some decorations down from the attic. I got it.”

“Read, Gwampa!” Ty slapped his small hand on the book my dad still held as he talked to me.

“Shhh, Niño, we’ll read again in a minute. Ah, Easter? Should have known. She just took down all the little leprechauns.” My dad chuckled when he realized his neighbor’s yard would soon be filled with inflatable rabbits, eggs, and a giant Easter basket. Oh, let’s not forget the tree laden with Easter egg ornaments, lights, and various religious ornaments. It really was a sight to behold. When Kayde was still at home, I used to sneak and watch him through our kitchen window, which looked out over toward their house, as he set things up under Abuela’s strict supervision. Jeans never looked as good on anyone as they did on him as he climbed the ladder and carried stuff back and forth as his abuela tried to decide where she wanted everything at the time.

Once he caught me watching, he roped me into helping. From then on, I was an additional hand each holiday season. It never dawned on me how Tyler and my brother were always “busy” or “working” on the days he was out there decorating. Not that I minded, because I loved spending time with him. His laughter, his smiles, his grumbling, it didn’t matter. I absorbed it all and wore his carefree happiness like a comfy cloak.

Shaking off the nostalgia, I took a deep breath. “If you’re okay keeping an eye on him, I’ll go get supper started.” At my father’s nod, because he had resumed reading to Ty, I went to the kitchen to start cooking.

Chopping up the vegetables, I found myself shaking with tears running down my face. The bleakness of my situation had me wanting to drown in a bottle of alcohol. Only thoughts of leaving my son vulnerable to the devil who inhabited our house kept me sober most nights. Anger began to take over as I continued to slice through the last of the peppers. When I was finished, I reacted without thinking. Hate toward Lawrence had me imagining taking the knife in my hand and plunging it into his wicked, black heart the next time he raised a hand to me.

“Niña!” Shaking the vision out of my head, I turned to where my dad stood in the doorway, eyes round in shock. That’s when I realized I had stabbed the tip of the knife deep into the wooden cutting board, where it still wavered and shook. Sobs burst from me and wracked my body as I crumpled to the floor.

“Falling Inside the Black”—Skillet

ROLLING OVER TO BLINDLY grope for my phone, which was ringing incessantly, I regretted all the fucking alcohol I drank last night. Noticing the tangle of blonde hair next to me in the bed made me regret it even more. Shit. The phone quit ringing right as I finally brought it into focus. Grandpa. At four in the morning? Jesus.

Telling myself I’d call him right back, I stumbled across the room to piss. Stooping to grab the used condom from the floor, relief flooded me that I had the drunken foresight to at least wrap my shit. After finishing up in the bathroom, I prepared to dial my grandfather back, but first I kicked the bare foot sticking out of the covers. When she raised her head with a grimace, looking for the source of whatever woke her, I barked at her, “Get out.”

Standing there buck naked and without shame, I waited for her to comply before I hit the Call button. I was a fucking asshole. Ask me if I gave a rat’s ass. Since leaving the Marine Corps and moving to Iowa near Hacker, I’d been laden with hate and anger. If you asked me why, there wouldn’t be an answer forthcoming, because I honestly couldn’t fucking tell you why. It was like I hated everyone and everything. As a twisted, sardonic joke, they had started calling me Joker because of my usually surly countenance. It ended up sticking. Personally, I felt like it was fitting if you were referring to Heath Ledger’s or Jared Leto’s Joker.

“What?” She was awake now, for sure. Makeup was smeared across her face, and she looked like a circus clown someone had put in the microwave. “The fuck, Joker? Are you serious?” The sheet dropped down as she sat up, and I apathetically took in her fake tits and too-tan body. Maybe she looked good last night in my drunken haze, but now I felt nothing and was pissed at myself for passing out before I could kick her out of the bed. No, that was a lie. I was pissed that I ever stuck my dick in her at all.

“Did I stutter? Get the fuck out. Now.”

Cussing me and grumbling, she angrily gathered her clothes and jerked them on.

“Fucker.” Blurting out a last insult, she shoved her shoulder into mine as she passed me to go to the door. Grabbing her arm, I stopped her briefly.

“Don’t ever presume to think you can cuss at me like that. You’re no one special, and I made things very clear last night before you entered this room. So now you can get the hell out of here and know that I never want to see your ass here again. You get what I’m telling you?”

Yanking her arm from my loose grip, she flounced out the door, slamming it as she exited. Even though I couldn’t remember her name, I remembered her face as one of the little tramps that were at every club party “patch shopping.” She was bound and determined she would snag a patch member, but it sure as shit wouldn’t be me.

Evidently my patch party last night, and all the shots I took with everyone who wanted to toast me finally getting patched, destroyed my ability to make coherent decisions. My head was killing me. Shit, this is why I don’t usually drink.

Digging through the shit I dumped on the bedside table from my pockets before crashing with whatever-the-hell-her-name-was, I found the joint I had rolled last night prior to getting distracted by the blonde’s hands grabbing my junk. Pulling out the lighter I had tucked in my pack of smokes, I flicked it to life, and I inhaled to get the joint lit just as I hit Call.

Stretched out on the bed I had been given last night after getting patched, I took a long, deep drag and held the acrid smoke in my lungs. Grandpa answered on the second ring, and I released the breath I had been holding.

“Kayde?” Huh? Uncle Javier?

“Hey, Uncle Javier, where’s Grandpa? He just called me.” The quick inhalation on the other end of the line was quickly followed by a choked, mournful sound. “Uncle Javier? What’s going on? Are you okay? Is Grandpa okay?”

“Kayde, you need to come home. Mom… Abuela… she’s gone, Kayde. Fuck. She’s gone. Dad… he’s a mess. You need to get here.” And just like that, my world crashed down around me, sucking me into an endless black chasm. Breathing failed me, and my vision tunneled.

“I’m on my way.” Disconnecting the call, I rushed to the bathroom to shower. The reflection in the mirror was someone I didn’t recognize. Hair a mess, dark circles under my eyes, smeared slutty red lipstick across my chest. Shit, I wanted to vomit. Instead, I took another couple of hits as the water warmed. It was the only thing that stilled the shit swirling in my head, and I seriously needed to calm myself before I hauled ass out of here. Stubbing the last of the joint out, I set it on the counter and climbed in the scalding-hot water of the shower.

Scrubbing viciously at the lipstick with the washcloth I found under the sink, I wished I could scrub the filth from inside my head and soul. This has to be a bad dream. There was no way my abuela was gone. I had literally talked to her yesterday after I got patched. It was a proud moment for me, getting patched with the Demented Sons MC. It was the closest I had felt to belonging since the first mission I went on with my Force Recon team.

She had sounded happy for me, but had harassed me about going home to visit. It had been a year since I had seen her. After my last injury, I had made the decision to get out. Never before had I used Uncle Matias to get anywhere or anything in the Marine Corps, but that time… that time, I had asked him. Surprisingly, he hadn’t tried to talk me out of it and had complied by pulling strings only someone with his time, rank, and level of respect could accomplish. He’d gotten my medical discharge rushed through, and approximately four months later, I was in Iowa.

It took me all of thirty minutes to gather the few belongings I needed into my old Marine Corps rucksack, tell the prez, Snow, and Erik—now known as Hacker—that I was leaving, and book a flight on my phone. All on top of my shower. Thank you, rapid deployment experience.

Hacker offered to drive me to the airport, which was about three hours away. Despite my trying to tell him I would be fine riding my bike, he refused. So instead, I bypassed my sleek black Harley V-rod to drop into his classic Challenger. He had just finished restoring her, and she was a thing of beauty, but all of that escaped me at the time as my mind swirled within itself with the gut-wrenching anguish that dug its claws into me.

Few words were spoken during that drive as he seemed to sense my need for quiet. Expecting him to drop me at the front of the airport, I was surprised when he entered into the long-term parking area instead. Pulling into a spot, he shut off the growling beast of a car, and we sat for a few minutes without speaking, the silence interrupted only by the ticking of the massive Hemi motor.

“Look, man, I know this has got to be tearing you apart. Are you sure you don’t want me to come with?” His unusual turquoise eyes seemed to bore into my very soul as he sat waiting for my answer.

“I can’t ask you to go with me last minute like that. Besides, you don’t have any of your shit or anything. I’ll be okay. Fuck, I need a smoke.” Lunging out of the car, I grabbed my ruck and dug out a cigarette from the inside pocket of my jacket. Fucking tried to quit smoking, but it hadn’t lasted. Maybe I would try again, but right now wasn’t the time. As I lit up with shaking hands and sucked in the first freeing drag, Hacker rounded the car. He shook his head at me as I continued to consume the cigarette, like he was going to snuff it out if I didn’t hurry.

“I’m not gonna rag on you about quitting, I know that’s the last thing you need right now.” He popped open the trunk and leaned in as he reached for something shoved up near the back of the seats. As he slung a ruck, much like my own, over his shoulder, he grinned at me. “And I think you forget, I was in the Marine Corps too. I’m always prepared for a surprise trip.”

“The ticket was expensive, bro. You can’t do this.” The ticket didn’t hurt me any, as I had been saving all my money during deployments since I first joined, but I didn’t know how he was sitting.

“Please. You’re not the only one who’s been saving.” He had been the one who had helped me invest the money I saved, so I knew he was aware of about what I had. “Not to mention, my parents are loaded and my mom slipped me money to help out with our travels. She knew I wouldn’t let you go alone after I told her what happened. Of course, I didn’t realize what it was she slipped in my jacket pocket until I stopped for gas, and it was too late to tell her no.” That explained his brief stop at his parents’ place on our way out of town. My head shook in consternation at the giving but stubborn nature of Hacker and his family.

Sighing in resignation, I looked at him with a wry smile. “Thanks, man. But we better get moving if we’re gonna get you a ticket and make our flight.” When he held out his fist, I gave a small laugh as I bumped knuckles with him before striking out for the ticketing counters.

By the time we got to San Antonio, my grandmother’s body had already been moved from the hospital to the funeral home. My grandfather was inconsolable in his grief, but didn’t shed a tear. His ravaged face appeared to have aged eons since I last saw him. The light had left his gray-blue eyes, leaving them a dull storm gray as he stared blankly at the powerless television. Slumped in his recliner, he sat in the small living room of the home I had spent some of the best years of my life in, while my uncles sat quietly with him. The broken man sitting in front of me was but a shell of the man he had been.

“Grandpa.” My voice cracked at the single word. All eyes zeroed in on me, and Uncle Gunnar stood and hugged me first. We had been the closest in age and had been pretty close as I grew up. “Hey, Uncle Gunnar.” My whispered words were all I could manage as tears threatened to choke me. It still seemed weird to call someone uncle who was barely six years my senior, but he had been my grandparents “oopsie baby” after they thought they were done having kids.

After that, Javier, Samuel, and Alejandro hugged me, telling me Matias was on his way back from Afghanistan and would be here as soon as he could. It bothered me that my uncle was still deploying, and I worried about him, but he had told me he was hanging on for a couple more years, then would retire. I prayed he made it that long.

Before going to the kitchen, I crouched in front of the larger-than-life man who had raised me, clutching his hands in mine. Pulling one hand free, he placed it on my head. “She loved you so much, son. The last words she spoke to me were ‘Güero should be here to see how good the Labor Day decorations look.’ Then she got in her car to head down to do some shopping. I should have gone with her. I should have driven her.” His head dropped back, and he told me he needed a few minutes alone.

My uncles, Hacker, and I all respected his wishes and moved to the kitchen table. We sat quietly discussing what happened and the plans. Massive heart attack was what they were assuming. She had been driving, and her car had run off the road before flipping and landing against a telephone pole. She probably never saw it coming, and they said she was killed instantly, so she didn’t suffer. Not that it made her loss any easier to deal with.

Emotions in a distraught turmoil, I needed some air. Standing, I excused myself. When Hacker moved to follow me, I held his shoulder and told him I needed some time to myself. As I passed through the living room, I glanced at my grandfather, who appeared to be dozing. Pausing long enough to ensure his chest still rose and fell with life, I stepped quietly out front.

Out of habit, I pulled out a cigarette and moved to light it. Looking around at the red, white, and blue decorations that covered the yard, I thought about Abuela begging me to quit and crushed the cigarette in my hand before dropping it, unlit, to the ground.

Anger boiled up in me at the unfairness of life. My abuela had been the kindest, sweetest, most generous woman I had ever met. Taking in the lost young boy I’d been, then raising me while my parents gallivanted across the country without a care, meant more to me than she’d ever know, and now I’d never be able to tell her. Being a good woman, she’d been loved by everyone who knew her.

Thinking about all my close calls with death and how I was still standing, while she was taken from this earth, I lost my fucking mind. Ripping the nearest display from the ground, I crashed it into the one next to it. Jerking the lights down from the porch posts, I flung them across the yard. Part of me acknowledged that my rage was a combination of all my pent-up grief over every loss I had sustained in my life. Item after item fell to the savage destruction of my grief. My mother. My father. Tyler. My team members. Sera. Always Sera. The losses overwhelmed me, sucking me under like dark ocean waters drowning me.

As strong arms crushed me, pulling me to the ground, a roaring wail registered in my brain a split second before I realized it came from deep in my chest. Thrashing and fighting to break free of the constriction around my arms and body, I fought like a crazed, rabid animal. “Joker! Kayde! Fuck, man. Stop!” Hacker’s words were next to settle in my consciousness before I went lax and sobs were torn from my demolished heart.

“Bath Salts”—Highly Suspect

WHEN MY DAD CALLED to tell me about Abuela’s tragic passing, I couldn’t help but feel awful for not returning her many calls I had missed over the last couple months. The few times I tried to see her when I was at my dad’s, she wasn’t home. It was difficult to talk though. If Lawrence wasn’t sitting in listening to my calls, I worried he had the house bugged or my phone itself. He always seemed to know my every move, my every conversation. It pissed me off that he had answered my phone the last time she called me and didn’t bother telling me until I saw the answered call in my recent calls list. Of course, he shrugged it off when I asked him about it, saying I had been in the shower, and then he went to work and forgot about it.

Standing in front of the full-length mirror, I slipped a pair of pearl earrings in and touched up the pale lipstick I had applied earlier. Amy had already stopped by to get Ty. It didn’t seem right or fair to bring him to Abuela’s funeral. For one, he absolutely loved her, and her sweets she always baked him. For two, he was too little to understand what was going on. There would be time to tell him later.

Regardless of Lawrence’s irritation, I was going to her funeral. When I didn’t back down, I thought he was going to beat the shit out of me. Instead, he surprised me by saying he would take me. Better that than to not be able to go, so I picked my battles.

God, I looked like shit. My dress hid it well, but I had lost a lot of weight. Where I had carried quite a bit of chunk after Ty was born, I now barely had any body fat. Lawrence had enrolled me in a gym membership shortly after we started dating. At first, I thought he was being sweet because he knew I was self-conscious of my weight. It didn’t take long before he was telling me I wasn’t doing enough at the gym because I was still too fat. So he hired me a personal trainer who was a serious bitch. You would think I had pissed in her damn protein shake, the way she talked to me and sneered at me when I arrived for my workout sessions. But God help me if I didn’t show up for my allotted time with her, because she would be right on the phone tattling to Lawrence.

My hair looked good, at least. It had gotten darker as I got older, so I had some rich, mocha-brown lowlights woven through it. Reaching up to fluff it was a mistake, because the aching souvenir of Lawrence’s irritation shot through my shoulder and back. “Blonde highlights would have looked better. That mousy brown makes you look old and boring. Don’t ever do that shit again.” The rattan cane, which was his weapon of choice against me, leaned ominously in the shadowed corner of our room, purposefully left as a reminder that my choices were not my own.

Closing my eyes, I tried to take slow, deep breaths to calm my racing heart, the way Kayde had taught me when I was young and afraid of heights. As it always did, the thought of Kayde brought back memories of the last time I’d seen him—the first time I shared my body and soul with him. It had been the sweetest, most perfect moment of my life, until my baby boy came into the world.

Hearing footsteps approaching the bedroom, my eyes opened, meeting Lawrence’s in the mirror over my shoulder. With a dismissive glance at my clothing, he pointed to the shoes I had set out to wear today: a comfortable pair of black ballet flats.

“You’re not wearing those, surely? Wear the heels. They will help you look classy—well, as classy as someone like you can look. Where’s Tyler? He should be up and ready.”

Fuck. I knew this was going to be a problem. I’d never really figured out why, but he hated when I let Tyler go places without me being along, and he really, really hated Amy. Then again, the feeling was mutual. Even though she didn’t know the extent of the abuse I suffered at his hands, she knew he was a controlling asshat, and she made little secret of it when she was around him.

Trying to sound nonchalant but firm and secure in my decision, I walked to the open closet to grab the heels he insisted I wear. “I didn’t feel a funeral was an appropriate place for a three-year-old.” Balancing on one foot to reach down and slide on first one shoe, then the other, I wobbled slightly before standing up. Slipping my purse over my shoulder, I pretended to be looking for something incredibly important inside it to continue to avoid making eye contact.

His softly spoken words should have been a flashing, screaming warning. “Exactly where is he, Serafina?” Inwardly, I cringed at his use of my full name, mostly because it always sounded like he was chastising a five-year-old, which was exactly how he made me feel. Trembling hands clutched my purse handles tightly to hide the telltale signs of my fear. Showing fear to Lawrence only exacerbated the situation, as if he fed on my weaknesses.

Barely a whisper, my response was sure to anger him. “Amy stopped by earlier and offered to take him for the day since she was off today.” Unable to keep from glancing his direction to read his response, my body followed my hands in its uncontrolled shaking. The flare of his nostrils and clenching of his jaw were the first signs he was about to explode. Shit. Shit. Shit.

Not expecting him to move as fast as he did, but knowing better, when his fingers wrapped around my throat and began to squeeze, I felt the familiar panic breaking loose within me. It became more and more difficult to slip air into my lungs. It was like breathing through a straw, and my fingers clawed at his hand even though I knew better than to fight him. Burning fires of Hell consumed my chest as my body fought for much-needed, life-giving oxygen.

“I fucking told you I didn’t want him being around her. She’s a whore and isn’t fit company for our son.” Our son. I fucking hated when he called him that. He had been trying to get Ty to call him Daddy, but in the uncanny way small children and animals have of sensing the bad, dark ugliness in people, he had yet to comply. Black spots swam in my vision, and I knew I would be unconscious soon if I didn’t get some air. The tips of my toes barely touched the ground, and one of my hands clutched his wrist while the other curled around the fingers that continued to squeeze the life out of me. Vaguely, I felt my shoes fall off my feet.

Abruptly, he released the pressure around my throat, and in reflex, my body gasped to fill every single square inch of my lungs with the crisp, sweet air around me. Crumpling, I had to catch myself before I fell to my knees. Daring a quick look in the mirror, I noticed the bright red splotch around my neck was the perfect shape of a hand. Dammit.

“Get your fucking shoes on and let’s go to the old bat’s funeral.”

Scrambling to return my shoes to my feet and snag a scarf from the hook in the closet, I rushed after him, wrapping the scarf expertly around my neck. Not that I ever would, but in my mind, I silently plotted how I could kill him.

The large Catholic church had been filled to the rafters with mourners. Abuela had been a long-standing member of the church and a well-respected member of the community. Though she had aged quite a bit over the last few years, she was still relatively young, and her death was completely unexpected.

Though I knew he would be here, the sight of Kayde’s imposing height standing at the front of the church took my breath away. There was a man about his height who stood sentinel next to him the whole time, but I didn’t recognize him. His grandfather sat hunched on the pew, surrounded by Kayde and his uncles. In spite of the tall guard around him, Gus appeared forlorn and alone, a ghost of his former self. As if Abuela was his life force and he was slowly wilting without her.

The firm hand resting at my lower back guided me into a seat just as everyone was standing for the beginning of the funeral Mass. The priest’s words slid over me in a blur of muted sound. My eyes stayed on Kayde, and my mind screamed for him to look back at me. To see me. To save me. Even though I knew it was an impossible fantasy.

Not once during the service, nor his eloquent but heartbreaking speech, did he notice me. Déjà vu rained down on me, throwing me back to the day Tyler was buried. Soon, I was lost in mourning Tyler, my mother, the closeness my family once had, the loss of Kayde in my life, and my brother, who once upon a time would have been here holding my hand, but now could barely stand to look at me because I reminded him of the loss of one of his best friends.

Before I knew it, the family was saying their last goodbyes at the coffin at the front of the church. As they made their way down the aisle as they moved to leave the church, my mind again screamed for Kayde to telepathically hear me. He was supporting his grandfather though, and not once did his beautiful smoky eyes even stray from his goal of the open doors spilling in the bright, warm sunlight. The cheery rays were such a contrast to the gloomy atmosphere swallowing every person within the church.

The man who shadowed Kayde turned his head as I gave one last internal cry to Kayde before he stepped through the doors. His startling, bright turquoise eyes bored into mine, and I felt like he read the writings on my very soul. The contact was brief, because he stepped outside after Kayde and disappeared as he was swallowed in the bright light of the day. My body gave a shudder as if cold fingers had trailed down my spine.

Curling my hand through the crook of Lawrence’s bent arm in hidden aversion, I walked with him as we followed the trail of mourners up past the casket to say my last goodbye to a woman who was as much my grandmother as she was Kayde’s.

Tears rained down my cheeks, hot and unfettered, as I reached out to lay my fingers gently on Abuela’s cold, stiff hand. “Love you, Abuela, forever and always.” As I spun on my heel and turned to walk down the center aisle, I saw Lawrence had his lip curled in distaste as he gazed down on her with hooded eyes.

Before I knew it, we were parking and walking across the uneven ground to the bright blue awning shading the final resting spot of an amazingly wonderful woman. My heels sank into the soft ground with each step—the exact reason I wanted to wear the flats.

The crowd had already swelled rows and rows deep around the tent. Piles of single roses lay on top of the shining coffin, surrounding the huge spray of Abuela’s favorite flower—purple irises. Holding my handkerchief to my face to catch the tears I couldn’t control, I lay my single red rose amongst the others. More sweet, loving words were spoken. More tears. More heartache. Too much fucking sadness. Handfuls of dirt were tossed reverently with sorrowful finality. Slowly, the crowd began to disperse.

“Please, let me go offer my condolences?” Surprisingly, he nodded his approval.

Picking my way carefully across the ground, I hurried as fast as I could, my focus trained on Kayde where he stood next to his grandfather. Just as I closed in on them, I carelessly forgot about my shoes. Stumbling after my heel slid deep in the ground, I expected to face-plant in the green grass at their feet.

As large, warm hands wrapped around my waist, my hands grasped solid, muscular arms and my cheek pressed into firm pectorals hidden under a crisp, black shirt. Slowly, my eyes lifted until my vision was tunneled on blue-gray eyes flecked with slate. “Sera.” My name was whispered ardently.

Then my name was spoken by another, hated voice. “Sera, are you going to introduce us?” My lids dropped over my eyes in resignation.

“Kayde, I’m so very sorry for your loss. I’d like you to meet Lawrence.” Not.

“Her fiancé.”

What? Since when? My horrified expression might have been comical at any other time, but seeing Lawrence extend his hand to shake Kayde’s made bile rise in my throat, and my expression was the least of my worries. Screaming in my head for Kayde not to touch the vileness that coated the man who swore he loved me, but treated me like he hated the very air I breathed, had me missing the rest of what Lawrence said, but not the flare of Kayde’s eyes and the rasp of his indrawn breath.

Unmindful of my inner turmoil, he shook the proffered hand. “Kayde. Sera was like my little sister growing up. I’ve moved away, so I had no idea. Congratulations.” Only someone who knew the handsome man in front of me would know his words were laced with anger and disgust. My heart cracked and splintered at the thought of that disgust being directed toward me.

“Well, again, I’m sorry for you and your family’s loss. Serafina, shall we?” Lawrence started to step away with his hand firmly on my elbow, steering me back toward the car. In a moment of desperation, I broke free and rushed back to Kayde, just as he started to turn back to his family.

Whispering rapidly before Lawrence could come retrieve me, and knowing I would surely pay for this, I rushed to speak as I nearly crushed his fingers in mine. “Meet me at the San Fernando Cathedral. Tonight at seven o’clock. Please.” My eyes begged him to understand my fervent need for him to comply with my request before I spun to return to Lawrence before he had to retrieve me.

“Sorry, I spaced out thinking about Abuela while you were talking and forgot to offer my condolences. Thank you for being so patient.” Stupid! Hoping he didn’t remember I actually had expressed them, I prayed. My grateful, meek tone made me want to retch all over his suit, but it was worth it because he gave me one of his condescending smiles and continued to lead me farther away from the man I wanted more than anything, but knew I could never have. Risking one last glance over my shoulder, I saw his stoic form, unmoving, as he stood staring in our direction with narrowed eyes.

“Hate Me”—Blue October

SERA’S VEHEMENT REQUEST HAD been circling in my head all afternoon. It had me curious and worried at the same time. Something was very wrong, and before I left here, I was going to find out what the hell it was. Which was why, after a nearly ten-year silence between us, I was preparing to knock on Miguel’s door to try to talk to my childhood friend, because Christian’s black truck was parked out front.

Waiting with my hands in the pocket of my jeans, I glanced up the street, taking in the old neighborhood. Once upon a time it had been a lively, nice area. Now it was a little shadier and run-down, but many of the same older people still lived here. The kids, like me, had long moved away. None of the people talking in their yards or the kids playing in front of the houses were familiar to me.

The sound of the lock clicking preceded the knob turning and the door swinging open. The same battered wooden screen door was all that divided me from the face of my old friend. It was so much the same, but so very different than the boy I grew up with. In his eyes was a cold hardness that had never been there before. His expression was shuttered, and he just stood there silently, expectant.

“Can I come in? Or do you want to come out?” Even though I had changed out of the stifling suit from the funeral into a worn pair of jeans and plain white T-shirt, it was sweltering in the late afternoon sun, so I hoped he would allow me to enter. Indecision colored his face before he rolled his eyes, shoved open the screen door, and stepped to the side for me to pass.

“Dad is napping. We can sit in the living room or the kitchen, whichever you prefer.” Without waiting for me, he headed down the narrow hall of the entryway.

“Kitchen is fine.” He abruptly made a detour to the right into the kitchen. Opening the fridge, he leaned over and reached in. Pulling out a couple of Coronas, he held them up.

“Beer?” His offer was flat and short.

“Yeah, thanks.” Secretly, I wished for something stronger like tequila or whiskey, even though I didn’t really drink, but beer would do. Following his example, I popped the lid off on the bottle opener mounted on the side of the cupboards, then sat across from him at the table.

Talking a long pull of the icy brew, I watched his movements almost mirror mine as the cold, golden liquid washed down my throat. Setting the nearly half-empty bottle on the table, I rolled the cap in my hands, pressing the uneven ridges into the skin of my fingers.

“I’m sorry.” We both spoke the words at the same time. Letting go of a self-deprecating laugh, I shook my head. “Sorry, you go ahead.”

His eyes closed, and his head tipped down so far, his chin rested on the top of his chest. When he raised it again, his eyes held sadness and remorse. “I’m sorry about Abuela. But I’m also sorry about… well, the past. We’re almost thirty years old, and we’ve wasted so many years. Fuck, man, we used to be inseparable. The three musketeers, right?” At the reminder of the brother we lost, his eyes clouded again.

“I miss him too, man, but you’re right. We have wasted a lot of years. I know I let you and Tyler down, and it’s torn me apart for years. But I just needed to get out of here. I….” My words trailed off because I didn’t know how much to say.

“You know I knew, right? Yeah, I was pissed at you because we were supposed to be a team, but I knew how hard it was for you to see them. My anger was directed at the fact that you didn’t talk to me before you went off and became a soldier.”

“Marine.” The correction slipped out without thought, and we both laughed.

“Yeah, one of the guys at work was a Marine. I always do that to him too.” A small smile creeping out, he lifted his beer to his lips again.

“Not was. Once a Marine, always a Marine.”

At that, he laughed outright.

“Yeah, I get that from him too. As a matter of fact, he said he knew you. Went through boot camp with you, I guess.” My confused look must have been humorous because he chuckled again. “Yeah. Taylor Zimmerman. He was from up by Austin.”

“Holy shit. Small fucking world. Yeah, I remember him. Never saw him again after we left boot camp, but always wondered how he ended up. Tell him I said hello.”

“Six degrees of separation and that shit, right? Anyway, if there is anything I can do to help Gus, please have one of your uncles get in touch with me. Okay?”

His words sobered me.

“Thanks, man. I really appreciate that. He’s so damn lost right now. I’m really worried about him. I can’t believe my mother couldn’t even be bothered to show up. Then again, I don’t really know if my uncles were able to get in touch with her. She’s always got a different number. Fucking vagabonds in this day and age. Jesus. Sometimes I can’t believe I came from them.” Actually, I was mad as fuck at my mom. I couldn’t give a shit about my dad, but goddamn it, that was her mom. It didn’t surprise me though. Only about half of my birthdays did I even get so much as a card. It was like once they dropped me off with my grandparents, I ceased to exist for them. I’d never understand it. If I ever had a kid, I’d never abandon him or her. Never.

“Look, the other thing I came to talk to you about is Sera.”

“I figured.”

My eyes met his in surprise. Yeah, he said he knew how I had felt, but it surprised me he would think I might still be hung up on her. I fucking was, but I wouldn’t admit that to anyone.

“She wants me to meet her tonight. But she’s engaged. I’m not sure, but I think something’s going on.” At that, his eyebrows damn near shot to his hairline.

“What? That’s the first I’m hearing of that! I mean, I haven’t been the best brother, in all honesty. She’s another one I owe an apology to. After Tyler… man, I was fucked up. I pretty much pushed everyone away. Seeing her was a reminder that I hadn’t been there to save him. He was my fucking partner. I was out sick, and so he was on his own that day. I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive myself.” He looked so broken. My heart went out to him. Partly because I completely understood.

“¡Chingados! Man, I get it. It has eaten me alive knowing I was supposed to be with y’all. Regret is a bitch of a pill to swallow.” Finishing my beer in two more swigs, I set the bottle on the table and continued to twirl the cap in my fingers.

“That’s the thing. I saw a therapist a while afterward, at the insistence of the force because I wasn’t dealing well, and I’m finally starting to figure out that we can’t control things that happen around us. Maybe when it’s our time, it’s our time, and it doesn’t matter how good we’ve lived our life or how many people love us. It’s just our time. It still sucks, but I’m trying my damnedest to come to terms with all this shit, you know?” His brown eyes met mine and held.

“So what do you know about this guy?” I asked, hopeful that he had something to shed some light on why she seemed so secretive and desperate about me meeting her. I fucking hated the thought of her with someone else, but what had I expected? That she would stay alone the rest of her life? Pining for me, maybe?

“He’s a detective. He’s quite a bit older than her, but he has a great record and seems to be pretty well liked. Like I said, I don’t see them much, and that’s my bad. Let me know what’s up. You want me to go with you tonight?”

Shaking my head, I told him no, I would be okay. “Look, I have to run. My buddy came down with me, and I promised him I would take him out for supper tonight.” We both stood, and he stepped around the table to walk me to the door. When I turned to tell him goodbye, we looked at each other, paused, and hugged each other like the long-lost friends we were. “I’ve missed you, Christian.” My muttered words had him slapping my back and pulling away. He didn’t meet my eyes, but he nodded in affirmation.

As I stepped out the door and slid my shades on, I saw Hacker on the phone in the front yard. A sense of pride hit me as I observed the patch on his cut as he paced and talked. The same one I had recently earned. He was wearing his cut because we were using my uncle Gunnar’s and Javier’s rides to travel around with while we were in town. Mine was locked in the saddlebag of Javier’s Street Glide.

Javier was a member of our club’s chapter in San Antonio. It meant a lot that they trusted us with their bikes, but besides being blood family, we were all brothers through the club. If you couldn’t trust your brothers, who could you trust?

“You know him?” Christian’s tense question had me turning to meet his eyes as I answered. The expression on his face was one of judgment, and I found it raising my hackles. The cop was coming out in him, and he was profiling like a motherfucker. I could tell right away. God, that shit pissed me off.

“Yeah. He’s my former battle buddy and my brother in the club. Why?” Tension rippled down my spine as I awaited his answer.

“You’re a fucking gang member? Are you fucking shitting me, Kayde? Your uncle and now you too?” My nostrils flared, and my hands clenched into fists at his censorious tone.

“No. It’s Joker, and I belong to a motorcycle club. We’re not a fucking gang. ¡Jesús!” At his snort of derision, I turned my back on him. “See you around, man. Thanks for the offer to help the fam. Give my best to your pops.”

“Yeah. Will do, and no problem.”

Never bothering to look back at him, I walked to the bike, unlocked the saddlebag, and pulled out my cut.

Shrugging into my cut, purposefully ensuring Christian got a good long look, I nodded to Hacker, and he ended the call. “Everything okay, bro?”

“Fuck, I don’t know. You remember Kassi? From the Shamrock?” Duh. Of course, I did. This dumb fucker had been hooking up with her for a hot minute and just kept stringing her along. Hollywood, Reaper, and I could all see he was head over heels for her, but thanks to his bitch of a girlfriend in college and then the shit that we went through during a few of our deployments, he didn’t think he deserved her. It pissed me off because she was a sweet girl and hot as hell. Not that she compared to Sera, but shit, I was a man. I could appreciate a beautiful woman.

“Uh, noooo.” My sarcastic answer had him shooting me a dirty-ass look. “Of course I do, you dumb fuck.” His look screamed I’m gonna fuck you up, which just made me laugh at him as I set my shades on the seat long enough to pull the helmet on.

“Yeah, well, I didn’t tell her I was leaving, but I think I need to cool things with her. So I called Bo. I just wanted to check on her to make sure no one was messing with her at the Shamrock. He said she’s good.”

Rolling my eyes, I straddled the bike, straightened it, lifted the kickstand and started her up. Revving the engine, I shook my head at his ignorance. He flipped me off before we pulled out together. In my mirror, I caught Christian standing on the steps, arms crossed and lip curled.

Fuck his judgmental attitude. I’d lived ten years without him, I could live another ten.

After supper, I dropped Hacker at the hotel and drove the short way over to the cathedral. The sun was starting to drop lower in the sky, but it was still hot as fuck. Thankfully it was easier to find somewhere to park a bike than a cage, so I was able to get a spot pretty close to the cathedral. Hanging the helmet on the handlebar, I ran my hands through my hair to straighten it as best I could. Leaning down to look in one of the mirrors, I saw it was pretty hopeless. Oh well.

The cathedral was dark after the bright sun from outside but thankfully cooler. Adoration would be starting in a bit, so I looked around the dim pews for her honey-colored head. I almost missed her because she had her head bowed to the side. She looked like maybe she was sleeping.

For half a minute, I had to just drink in her presence as my stomach churned at the thought of her marrying someone else, again. Then again, who the fuck did I think I was trying to be pissed off at? Her? Him? Or myself, because I fucking ran that night instead of dealing with my shit and talking to her about everything? It could have been you, the voice in my head whispered.

Taking a fortifying breath, I stepped closer to her, every nerve in my body tingling the closer I got. Never in a million years would I have expected what would greet me when I stepped up to the end of the pew she was sitting in.

Like old times, my hand cradled her head and slid through the silky length of her hair, causing her to lift her head. When she did, I realized she hadn’t been sleeping at all, but talking quietly to a little boy. His head lifted at my presence and his light blue eyes, dark unruly hair, and dimple when he smiled up at me were a sock to the gut. Rapidly doing the math, my heart stuttered and then picked up pace at maybe about a hundred miles an hour. It brought back that night in all its splendid glory—the night we hooked up and didn’t use protection. Oh shit.

Swallowing the baseball that had suddenly lodged in my throat, I looked in her caramel-apple eyes and croaked, “Jesus, Sera, is he… is he mine?”

“Fracture”—Red

THE ABSOLUTELY SHATTERED LOOK on his face threw me for a loop. Belatedly, his question registered in my overloaded brain. “Oh shit—shoot! No!” Glancing quickly at Ty to see if he caught my slipup, I breathed a sigh of relief when he seemed oblivious to me and instead was fascinated with the larger-than-life man standing next to our pew.

His wide eyes left his perusal of Ty and returned to me. “Then how? Who? You need to explain this one, babe.” Kayde calling me “babe” had my heart pitter-pattering, and warmth bloomed across my face and chest. Shaking my head to clear it, I took a breath and motioned for him to sit next to me. Opening my phone to Ty’s favorite game, I handed it to him while he lay with his head on my lap. Making sure he was preoccupied with the game, I quietly began to tell Kayde my story. Well, as much of it as I was willing to share.

“It’s a bit of a long story. First of all, I was pregnant when you and I… um, you know.” Heat blazed on my face again. Clearing my throat, I resumed my story. “So, T—um, he and I were… God, this is harder than I thought. We were going to get divorced. It was amicable, but we found out I was pregnant, and you can’t divorce in Texas if the woman is pregnant. We planned to stay together until the baby was born and then divorce. Then, shortly after we had made the decision, he was….” My eyes darted to Ty. He still didn’t understand that he would never know his daddy because he was gone forever. Kayde nodded in understanding, so I continued. “Anyway, the guys from the force would check on me periodically. Initially, my brother was supportive and spent a lot of time with me, but it got harder for him. He wasn’t dealing well, and I think he separated himself from me for both my own good and his piece of mind. He was in a really bad place.” Filling my lungs with air, I let it out in a rush.

“Anyway, this detective was following up on the case about a year later. At first, I thought he was there to tell me they found the guy responsible. But it was just more of the same questions. Then… Kayde, I messed up. I was just so tired of being alone. I agreed to have dinner with him. We dated here and there. He kept talking about us moving in with him. My lease was almost up, and I was so tired of living with Tyler’s ghost. It was tearing me down, shredding my heart and soul piece by piece, to the point where I cried myself to sleep night after night.” Tears welled in my eyes at the thought, and my chest felt hollow, caving in on itself. The comforting pressure of Kayde’s hand slipping in mine and squeezing my fingers sent my emotions into overdrive, causing tears to slip free and cascade down my cheeks. He surprised me when he reached across his body, canting himself sideways in the pew, to catch my tears. When he raised our joined hands to his perfect full lips, my entire being felt on the verge of imploding. Only this man did that to me. None of the very few boys I dated in high school, not Lawrence when he was still luring me in… not even Tyler in the very beginning.

A simple, soft touch of his lips to my hand had me unraveling. Why had I thought Tyler was my be-all end-all back then? Maybe because Kayde never made a move or showed he was interested, and I was young, naive, and excited about having Tyler want me when I knew any of my friends would kill to be in my position. Water under the bridge now.

“Shh.” His head rested against mine, and he allowed me to just be for a few minutes. During that momentary silence, Ty decided he was bored with his game and the adult interaction was more interesting.

Climbing up to sit in my lap, he inserted himself between me and Kayde to look with curious blue eyes at every feature of Kayde’s achingly beautiful face. It was obvious it made Kayde a little uncomfortable, but kudos to him, he let Ty continue to study him. When he nervously smiled at Ty, his dimple expressed itself long enough to catch Ty’s attention. Reaching a chubby finger up, he pressed on Kayde’s face where the dimple had been, then smiled and touched his own face where he had an exact replica, as his dimple was on the opposite side of his face as his father’s—just like Kayde’s. His fingers continued to touch upon each beautiful feature I knew in my sleep, and Kayde’s patience, despite the tremor I could feel in his hand and the twitch by his eye due to someone being so close to his face, overwhelmed me.

“Hey. Same as me! Momma says iss my kissy spot, same as my daddy.” His little finger poked at Kayde’s dimple while his other hand touched his own. “Are you my daddy?” My heart lurched and dropped at my little boy’s confused look and oh-so-innocent words. It was the last thing I expected him to say. I mean, yeah, he was a bright boy for his age, but who would have thought at three years old he would pick up and process those types of details, arriving at that specific conclusion. Then again, I loved his little dimple, and I often kissed it or touched it and told him his daddy had the same “kissy spot.” I still couldn’t believe he had put so much together. But yeah, my mortification was complete.

Kids truly said the craziest things. It was impossible to meet the eyes of the man next to me. Fear of his expression and how he was processing that little question had me not even looking his direction as I quickly gathered Ty up in my arms.

“No, baby. This is Mr. Kayde.” Of course, I wasn’t thinking when I so blithely introduced him. My lapse in judgment had me pulling my bottom lip between my teeth and pressing my eyes tightly closed. As if that would erase the words I had spoken or prevent them from being spoken at all.

“Hey! That’s me!” His pudgy little thumb proudly pointed to his chest. “Tywer Kayde!”

If I thought Kayde’s eyes couldn’t get any bigger, I was wrong. They almost bugged out of his head at Ty’s first sentence. Then, in complete and utter shock, Kayde’s hissed-in breath gave away his continued shock before he smoothly swept it under the pews. “Is that right?” His deep, mellow voice gave away not a hint of his emotions. Whoa. That wasn’t exactly how I intended to tell him I had named Ty after his father and him. The two men I had loved in similar, but different ways. The two men who had each held special parts of my heart and always would.

Gazing into the depths of my soul, Kayde tipped my head toward him to ensure I was his captive audience. “How about we take your little man to get some dessert or something, and I’ll see if Hacker will watch him so we can talk more—alone? Or is your fiancé joining us?” Alarm spun through me at his suggestion. Then the snarled “fiancé” settled into my head.

“He’s definitely not… I’ll explain in a bit. And you want someone named Hacker to watch my son? Are you insane?”

His chuckle was not comforting, and I was pretty sure he had lost his ever-loving mind. My next shock was when he reached for Ty and my usually-reserved-around-men little boy leaned toward him with arms outstretched without hesitation. His little arms wrapped tight around Kayde’s neck, resting on his shoulders. The biggest smile I had seen in a long time lit his sweet face up like the brightest sun ray.

“Relax, hon. His name is actually Erik. He was my battle buddy in the Marine Corps. There isn’t a man on this earth I trust more than him. I can promise you, there’s no way I would trust a part of your heart with anyone I didn’t have explicit faith in. Hacker is his nickname, but I’ll explain later. Come on, babe.” Holy hell, every time he called me “babe” or “baby” it turned me to Jell-O. Like, was he even aware he was calling me that? Was it just a word that slipped out without thought?

Ty had to throw his little two cents in. With a wrinkled little frown, he spouted, “Her’s not a baby. Her’s Momma.” Kayde was chuckling as he stood.

Leaning down to grab my purse, I hesitantly followed him out of the church. Glancing nervously around the open area in front of the cathedral for familiar faces had me realizing I had taken a big chance meeting him here. Paranoia crept insidiously up my spine as I looked for Lawrence in every shadow. Because I had been so absorbed in my area inspection, when he touched my arm, he startled me and I jumped. “Hey, easy, babe. I was just saying I rode a bike here, so we can walk down to the Riverwalk to get ice cream or we’ll have to take your car.” The concerned expression that swept his face had me pasting a bright but artificial smile on my face.

“We can walk. It’s cooling down a bit.” It was actually still quite warm, but my car was parked miles from here and I had taken an Uber to the cathedral, worrying the whole way because Ty should have been in a car seat. That, however, was something I wasn’t willing to explain in front of Ty. “Will your bike be okay here for a while?”

“Well, it’s Uncle Javier’s bike, but yeah, no one would dare mess with it. It’ll be okay. I’ll come back and move it after we talk.”

Nodding absently as I chewed relentlessly on my bottom lip, I followed him as he spoke softly to Ty. Whatever he was saying brought forth a giggle from my baby that infused a burst of sunshine through my body, head to toe. At my darkest, all it took was my son’s laughter to brighten my world.

Until he paused and held his free hand out to me, I hadn’t realized how far behind I had dropped. The hint of a smile on his face was the last shot of euphoria my soul needed to be whole. Smiling, I finally realized something. After twenty-something years, it was clear in my mind: I would love this man eternally, and if I made it out of my current life situation alive, there would never be another man for me. We were worlds apart though, so I knew it would forever be just me and my son.

Trust was another obstacle I would probably never overcome. Everyone I loved abandoned me, including him, whether any of them knew it or not. The only person I could ever count on was my dad, but I couldn’t ask him to help me, because it would put him at risk. Kayde was the only person I thought might be able to help me, since Lawrence didn’t really know about him. I just wished I had thought this out better, come up with a better plan.

Clasping his hand with mine, our fingers intertwined and a peaceful calm settled over me. Tears pricked my eyes again, but I blinked them away. We walked down the stairway to meander along the Riverwalk. Kayde pointed out waddling ducks, iridescent-winged pigeons, and puppies walking along with their owners to Ty, who was fascinated and giggling the entire time.

“Have you eaten yet?” So engrossed in my thoughts about how he had effortlessly stepped into a father-like role with Ty, I belatedly realized he had been asking me a question.

“Oh, umm, well, I made him a sandwich before we left. I wasn’t hungry.” Of course, my traitorous stomach chose that moment to betray me and let loose with a growl that rivaled a bear’s roar. My shoulders slumped, and I rolled my eyes in frustrated embarrassment. A burst of laughter was my answer before he kissed the top of my head, causing my insides to turn to mush.

“Come on, Tinkerbell. Let’s get you two some food, then dessert. Then we talk.” At the use of his childhood nickname for me, my heart clenched again and a blush stole across my cheeks. Nudging him playfully with my shoulder, I smirked and shook my head at him.

We came upon a restaurant with Texas flag umbrellas over the outside tables, and he stopped at the podium, asking the young girl working there for a table for three. It was like I was invisible, because she only had eyes for Kayde. In a way, it irritated me because, if we were a couple, she was ridiculously flirting with him. The green-eyed monster in me began to stir, but I beat it back, telling it I had no claim over my childhood friend.

Settling us next to the water, so Ty could watch the ducks, she told us our waiter would be with us momentarily, then gushed to Kayde about how much his “son” looked just like him. Though I really tried not to, my eyes rolled at her obviousness. The green-eyed monster grumbled again.

In the whole exchange, what surprised me most was how, without missing a beat, meeting her eyes, nor reacting to her obvious flirtation, Kayde thanked her and then placed Ty in the chair next to him at the table. Besides the fact that he didn’t seem upset about being confused for Ty’s dad, it was such a change from the rare occasion when we ate out with Lawrence, when I was instructed to keep him next to me in order to keep him quiet and under control.

At Ty’s squeal, I looked up to see him kneeling in his chair, looking over the back into the greenery around an old oak tree with an expression of great concern. “Momma! The duckie! Him’s dead!” His little horrified expression had me jumping up, just as our waiter came up to the table.

“Oh, that’s just Igor. Don’t let him fool you. He just likes to play dead to get you to feel sorry for him and then feed him. He’s playing you, and he’s good at it.” The waiter’s flamboyant tone and explanation to disregard the feigning duck had me giggling like I hadn’t in months. In fact, the moment Kayde had stepped up to the end of the pew in the cathedral, except for the brief few minutes as we left the cathedral, it was as if someone had placed a cloak of safety and tranquility around my shoulders. It had allowed me to feel and think more like the “old me.”

“So he’s okay?” My question was directed at the waiter, who assured us the duck was indeed fine and not to worry about him. He pleasantly took our drink orders and assured us he would return shortly. Despite his assurances, I had to get up to see this duck for myself.

Sure enough, there was a white duck with tan splotches mottling his coat. He lay there with his neck looking twisted and broken with his eyes closed. Looking closer at him, my doubts began to surface at the accuracy of the waiter’s assessment and opinion of said duck. “Kayde, I think he really is dead,” I whispered in Kayde’s ear. His short cropped hair tickled my cheek, and the light scent of his cologne invaded my senses. Being so close to him was lethal to my sanity.

Just as Kayde turned in his seat to inspect the supposed dead duck, the duck blinked, shook his head, and stood. His neck was twisted and resembled a sideways “s” coming off his body. Quite frankly, it was a little disturbing. However, he waddled around his little area, shooting us a glare for interrupting his snooze.

The chuckle of the waiter behind me had me turning around with my astonishment written clearly across my face. “I told you, didn’t I? He’s been like that since he was a baby. We think his momma came and had him up in the flowers, because that’s what they do. Well, you know, they have those babies in the water almost as soon as they hatch, and we think he must have fallen and hurt himself jumping down, but survived. Now he uses it to his advantage, making the most of a bad situation. You know?” Setting our drinks on the table, he smiled as he finished his story.

Throughout the meal, the waiter was attentive and friendly, showing us pictures of his lovely daughter and telling us that though she was technically an “oopsie,” he believed he was meant to make the “mistake” he had initially thought it was so she would exist to make his world perfect.

Before I knew it, we were ordering dessert, even though my stomach was so full it felt it may burst. I made a mental note to leave the waiter a good tip. Ty was enjoying the chocolatey, gooey concoction in front of him with great gusto. His precious little face was covered in the chocolate fudge from the dessert, as if he had literally leaned over and ate the dessert sans silverware or hands. Before I could even move to clean him up, Kayde was dipping a napkin in his glass of water. My heart sang at how patient and gentle he was as he cleaned the sticky mess from my baby’s face. “Thank you for helping with him. You’re really good with kids.”

Kayde’s expression was one of confusion. “It was nothing. He’s a great little guy.”

While he finished up with Ty, I dug in my purse for the cash I had withdrawn near the house. Before leaving, I had called and canceled all of my credit cards. Then I had stopped at the closest ATM, withdrawing the daily max. My phone had been left on the bathroom counter after I reset it to factory settings. Fear had me working quickly to get out of the house, in case Lawrence came home during his shift. He was filling in on nights this month because they had several people on vacation, and I knew I needed to get out before he realized anything was going on.

Caution, and more than a little bit of paranoia, had me leaving my car miles away because I still wasn’t completely convinced it wasn’t set up to be tracked by Lawrence. I’d done my best to ensure I wouldn’t be found too easily. Now my plan hinged on Kayde being willing to help me.

Before I could pull out the cash to pay for the meal, Kayde dropped far more than necessary on the table. “No, Kayde! I asked you to meet me without any explanation. The least I can do for taking you away from your family is pay for our food.”

“Hell no, Sera. You are never paying for my food, or yours when you’re with me. That’s my job. Call me chauvinistic if you want, but it’s how my abuela raised me.” Pain reflected in his eyes, and his voice cracked slightly at the mention of the little woman who nurtured him. Nodding in reluctant acceptance, I conceded, because to argue would be to go against her wishes and teachings.

It was a cruel reminder that he had just buried someone who meant the world to him. It didn’t escape me that the two times, in years, that we’d connected were on the days we buried someone very dear to us. A sobering thought if there ever was one.

The waiter had come back by to see if we needed anything else, to-go drinks or anything, and Kayde handed him the cash with the ticket with the instructions to keep the change, and he thanked him for doing an excellent job. Ty was hefted up into Kayde’s arms where he willingly laid his little head on the muscled shoulder for a pillow. His eyes were heavy, as his belly was full.

Leisurely, we strolled down the Riverwalk again. The sun had been dropping in the sky, and a breeze had kicked up, twisting my skirt around my legs. Making a mental note to stop somewhere to get a prepaid phone and a few necessities, I clutched my purse handle with both hands, rubbing my thumb absently along the edge. The only things I had brought with me were a few underthings of ours, which I had shoved in a gallon Ziploc bag and into my large purse. It may have been crazy, but we left with the clothes on our backs, wanting to bring nothing along that may be a reminder of my life with the devil himself.

At the end of the walk, I followed as he approached the doors on the Riverwalk level to the Drury Plaza Hotel. I’d always wanted to check out the old historic building that had once been a bank. “You’re staying here?” I was surprised, because I knew it wasn’t cheap. Shit, that kind of made me sound snobbish, assuming he wouldn’t or couldn’t stay somewhere like that. It made me feel rotten as soon as the words were out of my mouth.

“Don’t sound so surprised. I’ve been responsible with my finances over the years.” His good-natured smirk eased some of my guilt at my insensitive words. In one of my brief Saturday visits to my dad’s, his abuela told me about him getting injured “again” and getting out of the Marine Corps. Besides making me wonder exactly how many times he’d been injured, it also made me question what he was doing for a living since he had gotten out of the military. The only thing I really knew was that he had moved to Iowa.

We rode the elevators up, got off, walked around the corner, up a curving ramp, and then took another elevator to the fourteenth floor. “So there’s no thirteenth floor. Do you think there is a mini-floor in between, or are we actually on the thirteenth floor anyway, but old superstitions made them just not number it the thirteenth floor, thinking that fooled the powers that be and made it okay or safer?”

His laughter made me smile up at him.

“Only you, babe. Only you.” Laughter infused his words as he slid the key card in and the door opened with a buzzing click. Stepping through the doorway, he called out, and the man I saw at the funeral stepped in from the balcony. His unusual eyes appraised me with question before returning to Kayde holding the now-zonked Ty.

“Hey, Hacker—Erik—this is Sera.” He motioned for me to come closer. “Sera, this is Erik. Sera and I grew up together. Christian is her brother. She was married to Tyler.” Something in Erik’s eyes as he looked at Kayde made me wonder what he had told him.

“Hi.” He nodded, then took my outstretched hand in his briefly, but it felt like he had read my mind and soul within that momentary contact. When he looked at the boneless lump draped over Kayde’s shoulder with question, I felt the need to explain. “This little sleeping beauty is my son, Ty.”

“Speaking of this not-so-little guy, man, would you mind keeping an eye out for him while we go to the terrace to talk? I’ll have my cell on me, so if he wakes up, you can call us and we’ll head right down.”

“Yeah, no problem. Take your time.” Erik’s answer came as Kayde tugged a white blanket out of a closet with one hand and laid it on the couch before gently placing Ty on top of it. He then slid a big ottoman over and pushed it against the edge of the couch so Ty wouldn’t fall off and hurt himself. How did he get so good with kids? For the umpteenth time that night, I wondered about his life. Did he have a steady girl? A wife? Kids? My visits with Abuela had always been brief because I hadn’t had much time and wanted to be sure to get quality time with my dad. Also, if I was honest, I had purposefully not asked about Kayde because I didn’t want to hear about it if he had gotten married or had children.

The silence between us became increasingly strained the closer we got to our destination. When we reached the fifteenth floor, we walked down the hall and through some glass doors onto a large terrace overlooking the San Fernando Cathedral where he had met me earlier. The view was incredible, and I stepped excitedly to the railing to look over where I could see the little ferry boats on the river below. Everywhere you looked, people walked, shopped, and laughed, completely oblivious to us staring down at them from fifteen floors above.

“It’s beautiful, Kayde!”

When he stepped behind me, his warm hand slid from the middle of my back to hook over my shoulder.

“I knew you’d love it. Wait about fifteen minutes and watch the cathedral.” At his words, I knew exactly what he was talking about. Several of the girls at work had mentioned the light show on the cathedral, and I had wanted to bring Ty to see it, but hadn’t been allowed to.

Before I lost my courage, I opened my mouth and poured out my story and request. Cowardly, I kept my back to him and my eyes trained on the cathedral below us. “Kayde, the reason I asked you to meet me is I need your help.” God, this is hard. “Lawrence is not my fiancé and never will be. Yes, I dated him. Yes, Ty and I are living—were living—in his house, but tonight I left. The problem is he has a lot of resources and a lot of friends in the force. I need to get an apartment that isn’t in my name so he can’t find me as easily.” Fuck, the words were so hard. “Tonight, I escaped. You have no idea.”

The light show started, and his hand tenderly pushed my hair off my shoulder and massaged my tense muscles as he allowed me to talk. His touch sent shivers down my spine, and my eyes closed, enjoying a touch that was kind and gentle, such a change from what I had been subjected to for the last year. With self-disgust, I gave him a brief rundown of my life with Lawrence. I kept the worst parts to myself. He remained quiet throughout the entire story, but I could tell he wanted to know more. The question I knew he was dying to ask me burned in his gray eyes. Before he could press for more details, I tried to change the subject. “Thank you again for meeting me tonight. Thank you for dinner and for being so kind to Ty.”

“It’s easy to be nice to Ty. He’s a great little boy. Oh, and don’t think I didn’t notice you gave him part of my name too. What I want to know is why? Why, after the way I treated you the night of Tyler’s funeral, did you name your son after me?” The whisper of his words against the side of my head ruffled my hair. “But more than that, I want to know… did he hurt you?”

Any further words froze in my throat. Dammit. I really hoped he wouldn’t ask me that. My heart raced in trepidation of him finding out the truth of what I had endured, because he was not the type to let it slide, and I didn’t want him getting involved with Lawrence. My plan was to keep them as far apart as possible. When he reached for my chin to turn my head, I instinctively flinched, giving away some of the answer.

“I’ll never hurt you, beautiful,” he whispered. Little did he know, he had hurt me so many times over the years. Every time I had seen him with another girl—worse when his hands touched her the way I wished to be touched—every time he left me. He’d been my world, and while my youthful mind fooled itself into thinking the hurt I felt at his abandonment was because he was like my brother and I hated losing his attention, the woman in me knew it was because I had loved him with every fiber of my being for nearly my whole life.

“Goddamn it, Sera, I know I’m so very wrong for you, but you do something to me. You have since the time I had to take you to get your first bra and I realized my feelings toward you were anything but brotherly. Which is why I forced myself to stay away from you, but fuck if I can continue to keep you at arm’s length. My very cells scream out for you every time you’re close. I’m not going to lie or sugarcoat things. I want to fuck you in the worst goddamn way. Tell me right fucking now if you don’t want me the same way, and we’ll go back to the room. I’ll help you get an apartment, and I’ll leave. But this is your choice. The ball is in your court, baby.”

His words made me melt, starting with between my damn legs. It had been so long since a man had given me a choice. His even offering me that choice was a potent aphrodisiac. But before I went any further with him, I had to know there wasn’t someone waiting for him back in Iowa. I didn’t want to be a home-wrecker.

“So there’s no one waiting back home for you, right? Like no girlfriend?” I swallowed painfully. “Or wife?”

His soft laugh moved my hair like a warm breeze. “Not sure if I should be offended that you think I would pursue you if I was committed, or happy that you want to know that I’m free. But in answer to your question, no, I’m not with anyone. There hasn’t been anyone for a long time. My life in the Marine Corps wasn’t exactly conducive to a serious relationship. And being a prospect with the club for months on end wasn’t either. So don’t worry, I’m not a cheating asshole.”

“In that case, then yes. God, please, Kayde.” It was as if a million years had passed since he had soothed my pain that rainy night after we buried Tyler. It felt like my blood was burning through my veins, my body on fire and aching for his touch.

His face buried in my hair, and I was pretty sure his whispered words were “Fuck, yes. God help me.”

Indeed. God help me too.

“Break”—Three Days Grace

GO SLOW. DON’T SCARE her with the animal way you want to take her. The passionate consent she breathed sent my libido into overdrive. My hand slowly worked its way up her back until my fingers threaded through her hair and I twisted it in a knot around my fist. Moving slowly because her reaction to my unexpected touch earlier was still fresh in my mind, I tipped her head back until the smooth column of her throat was bared to me. My teeth gripped the cords in her neck, then soothed them with my tongue. There was an erotic scent that clung to her skin—part whatever perfume she wore, part her own sensual elixir, designed by the gods to drive me out of my mind.

A soft moan escaped her plush lips as they parted in a gasp. That was the opening I needed to trail the tip of my tongue along her bottom lip. Once her mouth opened to my probing, it was as if the light show was in our heads. With every tangle of our tongues, color burst behind my eyelids. Her lips still tasted sweet from her dessert, and I was on the verge of losing my fucking mind.

“Please tell me again you want this and you’re in your right mind.” It was dark on the terrace by that time, but I knew there were cameras. Unfortunately, I didn’t give a flying fuck. If I didn’t have her soon, my balls may actually explode. She had me that worked up, and she wasn’t even trying.

Her panting breaths were pulling me in, her every inhale closer to sucking my soul completely into her inner kaleidoscope of rectitude and light. With her breathless consent, my dick twitched violently against where it was pressed into the top curve of her ass. This petite woman with the honey hair and caramel apple eyes affected me in a way no other ever had. With her, the hateful demons that dwelled in the blackness of my soul slumbered. The chaos that normally reigned in my head was quiet. My heart felt like a small part of it was thawing, coming to life after a deep hibernation.

The savage part of me screamed to utterly consume her, to rip every good, shining, soothing thing from her to feed the darkness within, leaving her a husk. Breathing deeply, I subdued the clamoring within, instead touching her lightly. Reverently. Worshipping her warmth. Reveling in her response to my lips on her skin. Every soft moan a symphony. Every breathless sigh a siren’s song.

“Security could walk out here any moment if the cameras are actually working and monitored, but I don’t fucking care. Do you?” My words slipped sultry and hot into her ear, where I inhaled the sweet smell of her hair, the shell of her ear gripped gently in my teeth. One arm wrapped around her, hand splayed over her soft belly, the other wrapped lightly around her torso, hand cupping her neck. Beating like a drum against my fingertips, her pulse raced.

“No.” The softly spoken word sent blood rushing to my cock to the point that I would have sworn I was light-headed. The risk of getting caught increased the thrill of the moment, but I wasn’t going to strip her naked there on the terrace. The beautiful pixie-like body pressed against my length was mine, and to share it with anyone, in any way, bordered on sacrilege. Not that I wasn’t tempted. For years I’d fought the temptation she represented.

The short, flowing dress she wore ended in an uneven hem that looked like handkerchiefs sewn together. It matched the green in her eyes perfectly and was innocent enough in its design. But on her, it was straight sinful. Tempting my mind, body, and soul in ways nothing else ever had. Making me want to rip it off her to worship her golden skin. I’d always teased her and called her Tinkerbell because she was so tiny and feisty growing up. In her little green dress, she fit the part even more, and I smiled at the vision before me.

Instead of stripping her naked the way my mind begged me to, my hand moved from her throat, skimming over her chest, pausing only long enough to roll her taut nipples in my fingers through the silky fabric, causing unintelligible whimpers to escape her full lips, before they traced the curve of her hip and began to gather the fabric where it draped over her hip and ass. My fingers walked the fabric along her hip, pulling the hem higher inch by inch. Once her heated skin was bared to my fingertips, I slid my hand around her thigh, pulling her legs gently apart before grazing the lace at the edge of her panties where they hugged her passion-swollen pussy.

My touch wasn’t random though. Experience had taught me that featherlight was sometimes better than rough and grabby at stirring up desire. And I wanted her panting for me, her pussy dripping wet and throbbing she wanted me so bad. That wasn’t all though. I wanted her begging me to fuck her. I wanted her to be on the edge of insanity, just the way she always made me feel every time I was around her.

With every stroke along the tender area where her thighs and groin converged, I felt the lacy edge of her panties. Every few passes, I grazed along her lips over the satiny fabric, until finally I flicked it up and slid my fingers under the now-damp scrap. Her pussy was silky smooth. Whether shaved or waxed, I had no clue, but it was like rich satin under my fingers. Dipping lower, I cupped her and inserted my middle finger just enough to gather a little of the slippery proof of how excited she was.

“Kayde.” My name on her lips was a curse and a plea, all wrapped up into a big ball of need.

“What, baby? Tell me. What is it you want?” My lips continued to trail along her shoulder, neck, and ear, then back again. When no answer was forthcoming from her, both of my hands converged on her pussy. Hooking the soaking wet crotch of her panties with my fingers, I gave them a tug until they dropped to her ankles, so I could continue to tease, touch, stroke, and tempt. Coating one finger in her flooding moisture, I brought it up to circle her clit. The other hand stroked slowly, steadily, in and out of her tight, wet heat.

“More, Kayde, I need more. Please.” She couldn’t see the satisfied smirk on my face at her response. Her head dropped forward, and her flaxen hair formed a curtain of waves, shielding her face from me. I loved how just my fingers playing with her, teasing her, elicited her demanding response. But that wasn’t what I wanted to hear her say.

“Come on my fingers. Give me the honey I know you have. I want you to come, and then I want you to tell me what you really want.” Plunging my fingers in her, I pressed the heel of my hand to her clit, alternating between circling over her clit and squeezing until her breath became ragged and panting. When her hands went to grab at me, I stopped, my voice deep and commanding. “Keep your hands on the rail, Sera.” She immediately complied, so I resumed my torture until she stiffened, bowing her head, and her pussy clenched my fingers in a rapid, powerful spasm. A groan of blissful pleasure erupted from her as thick, creamy cum filled my hand. Fuck, what I wouldn’t have given to have tasted that, for her to have come like that all over my tongue. I continued to milk her orgasm until she was shaking head to toe. Finally, the words I’d been waiting for burst from her.

“Jesus, Kayde, please fuck me. Please. You’re killing me.”

Flicking open the button of my jeans with one hand, I pushed the zipper down and moved my jeans down only far enough to release my raging dick. Using the cream coating my other hand, I stroked my cock once, twice. Canting her hips back, I lined up my tip with her slick opening, where I circled slowly in her wet heat before pressing into her. Just the end at first, teasing in and out. At her whimper, I pressed farther in. By all that was holy, she was so tight, I was afraid of hurting her. When she shoved her hips back, sinking my cock deep in her core, my eyes rolled in my fucking head. It took every last bit of my self-control to keep from shooting my load right then and there.

“Fuck!” I jerked out so quickly, she whimpered and almost fell over. “Sorry, baby, condom. Fuck.” We’d been reckless once before, and I’d felt like shit about that for months after. Not because I was worried about whether I was clean or she was, but because it was disrespectful to casually take those liberties. Granted, neither of us had been in our right minds that night. Working quickly, I pulled out the condom I kept in my wallet for emergencies, ripped it open with my teeth, and slid it over my length in record time. Once I was securely sheathed, I again teased her before shoving my thick cock as deep as it would go into her blazing pussy.

“Yesssssss! Oh my God. Yesss! Jesus, fuck. Kayde. So… oh my God.”

I loved that lust and pleasure had her brain unable to form complete sentences. The spasms of her need could be felt all along the length of my dick, and once I had control of myself, I withdrew nearly all the way, glancing down at the beautiful sight of her pussy swallowing my cock as I plunged forward so fast and hard, my balls slapped her clit, causing her to gasp.

Though I tried to maintain some semblance of control, she destroyed it all, pushing back each time I thrust forward. If someone walked out here, there would be no denying or hiding what we were doing, but neither of us was even thinking on that plane. One hand gripped her hip as I slammed in and out, and the other jerked her head back by the hair so I could feast on her lips, her jaw, her neck. My controlled thrusts became rapid and frantic as I felt the familiar tingling burn at the base of my spine. Her next words would be my undoing.

“Oh God. Oh God. Kayde. I’m almost there. Shit. I’m… oh my God… Kaaaayyyyyyyde.” That pussy clutched me like a vise, squeezing and burning until I gave two more rapid strokes and held myself deep in her as I dumped every bit of my cum into her tight sheath. My hips pressed tight to her, and my cock continued to throb within her, the exquisite pleasure going on and on and on. In my fucked-up mind, I imagined if we hadn’t used a condom, I would have come hard enough that it would’ve knocked her up and her soft belly would swell with my child.

Fucking A, where did those thoughts come from? Shaking my sweat-drenched head, I reached down to hold the condom as I slowly slid out. She whimpered at the loss of my shaft filling her. My arms wrapped around her, pulling her back against my chest, and I just held her. The sweet cloying scent of our mixed arousal was intoxicating. I was drunk on her and never wanted to sober up.

Breaking free long enough to slide the condom off and tie it up, I tucked my dick in my pants and watched as her dress dropped down to cover her beautifully rounded ass. “Be right back.” Glancing down, I saw the pale silk of her panties. Stooping to grab them, I tucked them in my pocket. Quickly walking over to the trash, I dropped the condom in and returned to draw her back into my arms. Tucking her head to my chest, we watched the lights on the cathedral as it told the story of Texas.

“Do you have somewhere to stay tonight?” My fingers absently filtered through her long silken strands of hair as I waited for her answer.

“No, but I have money to get a hotel room. Maybe not here, but I can find a safe place for us.”

God help me, but I didn’t want her anywhere but in my bed.

“It’s pretty late, and since Erik hasn’t called, I’m guessing Ty is still sleeping. Why don’t you stay with me tonight? Then we’ll figure shit out in the morning.”

Her head lifted and tipped up to look at me with a frown furrowing her forehead. “Kayde, I can’t do that. Your friend is sharing a room with you. And I don’t have anything to wear. Umm, it would be awkward. And can I have my panties back?”

Unbidden laughter escaped me. “No. I think I’ll keep them, babe. I have a T-shirt you can wear, and I promise not to fuck you with Erik in the next bed, no matter how bad I want to. I’ll exercise restraint. Promise.” Framing her beautiful face with my hands, I leaned down to kiss her sweet lips.

“If you’re sure?” Those eyes looked at me like she was so afraid I was going to say I changed my mind. When I nodded, she reached her arms up to curl around my neck, and I wrapped my arms around her waist and pulled her close. At her wince, I was afraid I had hurt her.

“You okay? I didn’t hurt you, did I?” The last thing I ever wanted to do was cause this angel pain. When she tipped her head down, I reached up to gently lift her face to get her to look at me, but she kept her eyes closed. “Babe? Look at me. Did I hurt you?”

Bottom lip pulled between her teeth, she looked up at me again. “No. I’m fine, really. Do you mind if we go back to the room? I know you said your friend is trustworthy, but I’m worried about Ty. He’s my baby.” Standing on her tiptoes to reach me, she pressed a sweet kiss to my lips before she smiled up at me. Silently, I studied her, trying to get her to truthfully answer me when it was obvious she was skirting the issue. If I had hurt her, I wanted to know. When she still refused to answer, I decided to bide my time. Something was off with her, and if it was what I thought it was, someone was a dead man.

“Okay, babe. Have it your way. On another subject, just so you know, I’m real proud of you, Sera. First becoming a nurse, then being an amazing momma to that little boy. Always knew you’d make your daddy proud, but you made me really proud too, and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you that more. There’re some things we need to talk about, but they can wait until morning. I know you’re tired, and God knows it’s been a long day for me.” The ache in my heart deepened just thinking about my abuela no longer being around. Yeah, it was unrealistic of me, but I never thought about the day she wouldn’t be there for me, and I felt like total shit for taking her for granted. I should have told her I loved her more often. I should have made it home more often. So many “should’ves” and “could’ves” swirled in my head, it damn near made me dizzy.

“I’m so sorry that I dumped all this crap on you on the day you had to bury your abuela. I know it’s been a hard day for you. It was spontaneous and maybe careless of me to involve you, but I didn’t know how long you would be here, and Lawrence will be off the next few nights. My window of opportunity was small. There are reasons I really don’t want to get into right now on why I couldn’t involve someone here.” The crestfallen look that spread over her features tore me up. When she was hurt or sad, it literally hurt me. All I wanted was to see her happy. To see that gorgeous smile on her little pixie face.

“Hey, none of that. Yeah, it started out as a shit day, but because of you, it ended better than I could’ve ever imagined. If you would have reached out to anyone else, I would have been pissed. Maybe I’ve done a shit job of showing it over the last several years, but I’d do anything in the world for you. It feels like I’ve waited a lifetime for tonight. And I’d be a liar if I said I was good with leaving it at this. But like I said, let’s go check on your boy, then get some sleep. We can discuss details and plans in the morning.” There was that smile, brightening my world with the wattage of the sun.

Capturing her smiling lips with mine, I enjoyed a long, slow kiss that left her panting when I finally broke free with a nip to her top lip. “Come on, sunshine, hop on.” I turned around, offering her my back as I often had when we were young and she was having trouble keeping up.

Laughter broke free from her, setting my heart soaring. “You can’t be serious. I’m not a small girl anymore.”

Looking over my shoulder at her in mock outrage, I gave a dramatic gasp. “Are you trying to say you doubt my strength or ability to carry your puny little self? Because I can assure you, you are still tiny.”

Her expression of doubt slightly hurt my ego. “Come on. Hop up.”

She grinned wider and bit her bottom lip in concentration as she took a mini running leap and hopped on my back. She let out a little grunt and a quiet gasp as she landed, and I quickly grabbed her thighs, hefting her higher on my back. Her laughter spilled forth as I headed to the doors. Just as I reached the glass doors, a security guard was approaching. He held the door open for us, and I was pretty sure he was trying not to smile. I hoped Tinkerbell on my back didn’t notice, because I was pretty sure the cameras were working—and monitored. Oops.

As we walked down the hall toward the elevators, I had to wonder if it had been a good idea to carry her. My promise not to ravage her with Erik in the bed next to us, and her son in the living area, was losing its credibility with each step that caused friction between the warmth of her pussy and my lower back. Kill me now.

Crouching a bit to hit the elevator button with my elbow was easy. Trying to hit our floor’s button after we got in, not so much. “Push the fourteenth floor, babe.” She stretched her lower leg out and pushed the button for our floor with her toe. “Knew those little monkey toes were good for something. Good thing you had sandals on.”

“Hey! Leave my toes alone.” She gave my waist a squeeze with her legs. A groan escaped me.

“Sweetheart, don’t do that unless you want my promise thrown out the window.” Silence reigned as I walked down the hall, and she rested her chin on my shoulder. When we stood outside our door, I let her slide down to the ground. Once I knew she was steady, I snagged the room card out of my back pocket. Before I could slide it in the reader though, her small hand rested on my forearm.

“Kayde, I just wanted to say thank you again. You have no idea how happy I am to be here with you. It’s kind of like old times, only better.” The rosy bloom that spread across her cheeks was cute as fuck.

“Yeah, way better. I’m really sorry I didn’t step up to the plate sooner. But you know what? Maybe everything happened for a reason. Sometimes I think we have lessons to learn, and if we don’t, things won’t work out for us the way they should. It’s not our place to question the whys, just to appreciate the gift that is today, you know?” Tucking a golden strand of hair behind her ear, my fingers lingered to slide down and cup her neck, tugging her closer. Pressing a soft kiss to the top of her head, it was impossible not to inhale her intoxicating scent.

Entering the room, I saw Hacker sitting up in bed, watching the TV with the volume turned low. “Hey. Little man over there hasn’t made a peep. I set the door lock to the balcony, just in case though. Everything okay?” As usual, his eyes missed nothing, and I knew he could see the flush still staining her cheeks along with her disheveled appearance.

“Yeah, it’s good. Thanks again, bro.” Sera mumbled a “thank you so much” and quickly hightailed it to the other side of the cabinets that created a dividing wall between the living area and the sleeping area of the rooms, where her son remained zonked.

Looking over his shoulder to ensure she was still over there, Hacker scooted closer to the edge of the bed. “You wanna tell me what’s going on?” he asked quietly.

“Let’s go out to the balcony and I’ll fill you in with what I know.” After nodding, he stood and we made our way to the sliding glass doors. As we stepped into the living area, the sight of Sera sitting beside little Ty and softly stroking his hair was a sight I would not soon forget. She looked just like an angel watching over the little boy who, after a single afternoon, was already starting to tug on my heartstrings.

Lifting her head at our entrance, she asked if I still had that T-shirt she could borrow. Hacker opened the door and stepped outside. Without batting an eye, I tugged the white T-shirt over my head and tossed it to her. At her sharp indrawn breath, I smirked and gave her a wink before stepping out onto the balcony.

Hacker was already chilling in one of the chairs, so I pulled up the other and snagged my smokes from the little table.

“Those are gonna kill you one of these days,” was the smartass remark I got from him as I lit one and took a deep drag. The comforting hit of nicotine wasn’t exactly the hit my nerves needed, but it would do for now.

“Shit, something will at the rate I’m going, but I doubt it will be these.” Motioning toward the half-empty pack on the table, I took another drag. “Besides, I think I’m gonna try quitting again after this pack. Maybe try one of those E-cig things everyone’s been talking about.”

“Filthy habit aside, tell me what’s up with the love of your life in there.”

Shaking my head at him, I drew in on the cigarette, watching the cherry on the end glow red-hot. Ain’t gonna lie, I would miss this habit. There were so many satisfying things about smoking, but I knew it was a stupid habit back when I started after boot camp. Of course, at the time, I wanted to feel like a man, and it helped fill the hole from smoking weed. Thought it would be easier to quit than it had been. Hindsight….

“She’s not—”

His hand automatically went up. “Save it for someone who doesn’t know you as well as I do, man. She’s all you talked about every watch we had. And the way you talked about her? I’d have had to have been a fucking idiot not to figure out she was your Achille’s heel. You’ve got it bad for her, but for some dumb reason you don’t want to admit it.” The droll expression he shot me had me trying not to smile at his accurate assumption. He was one to talk though.

“Pot, meet kettle.” Two could toss that shit around, because that dumb fucker had it so bad for Kassi it wasn’t funny, but he refused to admit it and tried to get us all to believe it was just sex. What-the-fuck-ever.

His glare had me laughing as I stubbed the spent cigarette out and laid it on the table. Exhaling the last thin cloud of smoke, I slid down in the chair and laid my head back. “The guy who was with her at the funeral was not her fiancé.” His raised eyebrows and the rolling motion of his hand had me reluctantly continuing. “He was, however, her boyfriend. Evidently, they lived together, and I’m pretty sure he was abusive in more ways than one, but I can’t get her to confirm it. Think she knows I’d kill the bastard if I found out he laid a hand on her. I still may. She wants me to help her find an apartment and put it in my name so he can’t track her. He’s a fucking cop. Piece of shit worked with Tyler and Christian.”

“So you gonna help her?” He propped his feet up on the railing.

“Mmm, sort of.” His brow rose in question. “I’m going to ask her to come back with us.”

The grin that broke out over his face was contagious. “Good. It’s about time. Just let me know what you need help with. That’s why I’m here.”

“Thanks, man. I appreciate it. I’m gonna run down and move the bike from by the cathedral to the parking garage, then hit the hay. They’re staying, by the way. You cool with that?”

My friend stood, pulling me into a hug. “Of course. Just don’t let me hear moaning and bedsprings squeaking. But I’ll go get the bike. I need to make a few calls anyway.”

“You sure?” At his nod, I thanked him and slipped quietly back into the room. Ty was still crashed on the couch, his little arm thrown up above his head. It hit me in the heart because I remembered Tyler always slept like that.

Hacker left the room with a soft click of the door, and I headed to my bed where my enchanting little fairy was snuggled, already sleeping. Making a quick detour to the bathroom to brush the taste of cigarettes from my mouth, I made a promise to myself to try to quit for good this time, then stripped out of my boots, jeans, and socks, leaving them in a pile by the bed.

As quietly as I could, I climbed into bed behind her. I lay there thinking about all the shit that had transpired today, none of it anything I had expected. Knowing I probably didn’t deserve her, I still couldn’t let her go. Vowing to cherish her and treat her the way she deserved to be treated, I pressed a soft kiss to that tender spot where her neck and shoulders met, causing her to shiver and press back into me.

As I drifted off to sleep, I prayed I wouldn’t have any nightmares tonight.

“How I Could Just Kill a Man”—Cypress Hill

KAYDE AND I WERE making love in the middle of a huge green meadow. Bluebonnets stretched as far as the eye could see. His gray-blue eyes stared into my soul, and he languidly slid into me. Pleasure flooded my body, increasing with each stroke. With a jolt, timed with a powerful thrust of his hips, I woke. It was so warm and comfy, I didn’t want to wake up. I wanted to go back to my dream. Trying to fall asleep again, I realized I wasn’t dreaming. When Kayde’s big, warm body that was cradling me from behind moved and his thick cock glided back out of my soaking wet pussy before he seated it within me again, my eyes rolled in my head.

Arching my back to allow him a better angle, my half-drowsy mind basked in the ecstasy of our joined bodies. His sleep-raspy voice rang out like a thunderclap in the quiet room. “Mmm, damn, what a way to wake up.”

Gasping, I was afraid we were going to wake his friend in the bed next to us, since it seemed early. “Shhh! And you said we weren’t going to do this with him next to us.” My words and my actions were at odds, because my ass pressed back against his pubic bone as he made another deep push forward. He was turning me into a wanton, because once again, I had a hard time caring if we were caught. It just felt too damn good to quit.

Those magic lips on the back of my neck sent shivers down my spine in the best way. His words blew across my skin. “Hacker took Ty down to the breakfast buffet. If we hurry, we can join them. But when I woke up with my dick in you, I couldn’t just hop up and tell him, or you, we were joining them without finishing what our bodies started.”

“Jesus, please don’t. You feel so fucking good. I was dreaming about this.”

His chuckle preceded his long, thick fingers sliding around my hip and slowly circling that bundle of nerves with his name written on it. Ripples of pleasure inundated me until my every sensory nerve was on overload. Every muscle tensed as the explosion I felt coming built until the crescendo burst and rolled over me in waves of euphoria. Eyes rolling in my head and unable to form words, I continued to meet him thrust for thrust.

“That’s it, Tinkerbell. God, yes, that’s fucking it. Fucking, fucking fuck!” In a blinding-fast movement, he had me on all fours, shoving the T-shirt higher to grab my ass and pound relentlessly into my still-pulsing sheath. The only sound in the room was our panting breath, the erotic slapping of our bodies, and a random grunt from the god-like man fucking me like an animal. Though I thought I was done, he proved I wasn’t. Each slippery stroke in and out created the best friction in the world, and before I knew it, his fingers were digging into my ass cheeks and I was done. White flashes exploded in my vision, and my core clenched with vise-like spasms rocking my world before leaving it tilted on its axis.

The bellow that burst from behind me had me glancing over my shoulder. “Goddamn it, you feel so fucking good!” He was glorious in his lust-induced frenzy. When his hand smacked my ass, the combination of the fire it left behind and the nirvana he was building inside had me coming again with a silent scream, hooded eyes still watching his every movement. Muscles straining, tendons stretched taut, sweat glistened across his forehead and chest as he fucked me with wild abandon until he threw his head back and I felt him flood my pussy with his cum. Satiated for the moment and utterly drained, we both collapsed to the bed, where we dozed.

When I woke, it felt like hours had passed, but glancing at the clock on the bedside table proved it had been mere minutes. Untangling myself from his heavy limbs, I tried to be careful not to wake him. Padding to the bathroom, I started up the shower and stripped off the white T-shirt that hung to my knees. Pressing it to my face, I sniffed it, as I had the night before when I slipped it on. It still smelled like him today. I wanted to steal it and keep it for when I was missing him, which would probably be every day.

So engrossed in the enjoyment of his scent was I that I didn’t notice the door had opened until I heard him roar. “What the ever-loving fuck!”

In surprise, I spun around, holding his T-shirt against my chest like a shield. “I was just—” I began, but I never got the chance to finish because he had spun me back around and his fingertips grazed along my back, tracing the gruesome pattern I had almost forgotten was there. With each gentle touch, I winced. Not in pain, but in humiliation. The bruises I knew were ugly the day before must’ve been hideous by that time. The next words out of his mouth were spoken at a low and barely perceptible growl.

“I will kill that motherfucker.” The look in his eyes told me he meant it. The cold-blooded killer standing before me was not the little boy I had grown up with. No, this man was the highly trained, accurate and deadly warrior he must have been in the Marines Corps. Cultivated in part by the scars I saw on his body last night when he grasped the back of his T-shirt and pulled it over his head to toss my direction. Vengeance seeping from his pores, he was no less daunting than he was magnificent. Whatever he had done and endured in his military career must have been so much worse than my naive mind had imagined over the years.

“No.” My whispered reply was so inadequate for the level of horror I felt at the thought of Kayde killing Lawrence. Not that I would mourn the vile piece of shit, but because I knew that if Kayde actually killed him, he would go to prison. There was nothing concrete to prove Lawrence was an evil beast, and Kayde would go down as a cop killer. They would throw the book at him so hard he would never see the light of day again. I couldn’t let that happen. “No, please, Kayde. Think about this. He’s a cop. You would never get away with it, and the thought of you being locked up for life absolutely kills me. Please, baby, don’t go off half-cocked.”

Tears welled in my eyes as he slowly uncoiled and stepped closer to wrap me in his arms. Strong hands smoothed my hair and soothed my skin, which had grown icy cold. Deep breaths continued to raise and lower his chest against me as he worked to contain the bloodthirsty beast raging within. “Goddamn it, baby, I’m so sorry. So fucking sorry. I should have taken you from there the night of Tyler’s funeral. Then none of this would have ever happened to you.”

“Stop. You had no way of knowing any of this would happen back then, and neither did I. What was it you said about things happening for a reason? Maybe this was just my penance for being foolish all those years ago and choosing Tyler. Maybe it was—”

His lips cut off further words. With hands framing my face, he rained featherlight kisses on my lips, cheeks, nose, and anywhere he could reach. Then he buried his nose in the hair over my ear. “Sera, I swear on my abuela’s grave, he will pay for this one way or another. But I also swear to you that I won’t go acting rash and stupid. Okay?” Nodding my reluctant agreement, I glanced up into the storm clouds of his eyes. “Let’s take a quick shower and see if Hacker is still down there with Ty.”

“Okay,” I whispered.

When he joined me in the shower, his significant bulk made the small shower seem miniscule. Reverently, he soaped and rinsed my back, placing kisses on every bruise and the few small scars. After he finished worshipping my body, because that was the only way to describe his touch, I took the washcloth from him. Filling my hand full of body wash, I ran my soap-slicked hands across his skin, tracing the tattoos on his rib cage, wondering what they meant to him. As I soaped his back, I traced the Latin words that arched across his upper back. “What does it mean?”

“It’s Latin.”

No kidding. My eyes rolled at his non-answer. “What does it mean?”

Turning to face me, our chests touching in the close space, he slid his hands around me and down to span my lower back, pulling my hips close to his. I felt his erection pressing into my lower belly, and my eyes widened.

“What? You’re surprised you do this to me?” The corner of his mouth tipped up in a wry smile.

My face flaming, I tipped my head back and rinsed my hair out. This was all new, this sexual chemistry that exploded between us, and I wasn’t sure how to handle it in the light of day.

Once we had both finished, we stepped out of the shower and he patted me dry with the big fluffy white towel. When he moved on to himself, I wrapped the towel around my hair and went to get a pair of clean underwear from my purse. After stepping into them, I slipped yesterday’s green dress over my head, letting it glide down over my hips.

My boobs were thankfully still pretty perky, despite having a baby, so I didn’t need a bra. However, when I looked up from towel-drying my hair, I questioned the sanity of that decision. The heat in his eyes had my nipples hardening to diamond-hard peaks, my clean panties a ruined mess. As he stalked toward me, a panther in a white hotel towel, I held my hand out in a feeble attempt to ward him off from the mission I saw in those turbulent eyes.

“Kayyyyyde. No. Kayde. We just showered. Kayde. This is my last pair of clean panties! Kayde!” My protests fell on deaf ears as he scooped me up and tossed me back on the tousled bed. Between the kisses he dropped along my skin as he worked his way up to the apex of my thighs, he muttered, “I’ll buy you a hundred new pairs today.” Kisses. “I shouldn’t.” Kisses. “You should never wear underwear.” Kisses. “It ought to be a damn crime.” Kisses.

Needless to say, we didn’t make it down to breakfast for a while.

We passed Hacker and Ty on our way down. Ty was riding on his shoulders and giggling like mad. When I asked if he wanted us to bring him with us, Hacker shrugged and said he was good and to enjoy our breakfast. The look Kayde had on his face made me laugh and ask what was up.

“Umm, you just have to know his history. Kids and him aren’t really a thing. I mean, he would never in a million years hurt them, which is why I knew he would be okay with Ty last night, but he was sleeping, so I figured it would be all cool. I never thought I’d see him actually wanting to be around a kid.” Shaking his head, he grabbed my hand and we continued down to the breakfast buffet.

It was pretty cool, as it was in the old bank portion of the hotel and the seating looked down over the lobby of the bank turned hotel. It was so beautiful with the sun shining in the stained glass window. Of course, I had to whip out my phone to take pics, but belatedly realized I didn’t have a phone anymore.

“You forget something?” Kayde sat down at the table with his plate heaping with food. Oblivious to my shock, he began eating.

“Damn, hungry much?” My eyes were huge at the sheer amount of food this man was prepared to consume.

“Hey, I’m a growing boy, and someone worked the dog snot out of me this morning.” The smug smile he gave me as he bit into a blueberry muffin had me laughing.

“Ohhhhh, okay. Sure. And nah, I just went to take a pic of the stained glass window and remembered I left my phone behind with everything else.” For the hundredth time, I questioned my decision to leave everything behind. But literally everything I had at that house had been bought since I had moved in. None of it held any sentimental value at all. Lawrence hadn’t wanted the photo albums from my wedding and the time Tyler and I were married in the house because he “hated to see me sad,” so thankfully they were at Marla’s.

“Babe, after we finish eating, we’ll go up and get Ty, then do some shopping, okay?”

Nodding as I mentally calculated how much money I had and what I could spend today, I finished up my plate of food. Not bad eats for a free breakfast. Guilt swam briefly in my head at the thought that I wasn’t really a paying guest here and so I shouldn’t be eating, but I shrugged it off and drank the rest of my orange juice.

Making a mental list as we walked back to the room, I ticked off a couple of cheap sets of scrubs, shoes, underwear, toiletries, and some yoga pants and T-shirts for when I was off. Most of that I could get at the dollar store. Ty could get by with a few shirts and shorts for now. Once I went in to work and changed my automatic deposit to a new account, I could get more. Luckily, I had three days off, so I had today and tomorrow to get some things situated.

We grabbed Ty, thanked Hacker—I still couldn’t get over the whole “road name” thing—and met Kayde’s uncle Javier out in front of the hotel. He was swapping out his bike for a sharp-looking older truck.

As Javier rode off, I saw all the stickers on his bike. “What does that diamond with the thirteen in it mean? I saw that on your leather vest you had on yesterday.”

Kayde looked over from where he was buckling Ty into a borrowed booster seat and said, “A diamond thirteen patch is earned. It’s a respect thing. But our club is a little different. We’re not a support club to the one percent club in the area, but we show support. It’s a little confusing, since they basically exist on their own, but it differs with every club. Essentially, they all get along and share the road, share good times, stuff like that.” It seemed like there was more to it than that, but maybe I shouldn’t ask.

“So you’re in the same club?” It was confusing because I knew he was in Iowa and this was obviously Texas. “But you’re in different states, and I thought motorcycle gangs all fought each other.”

He chuckled as he helped me get in the truck then walked to the driver’s side. “They aren’t gangs, babe. That’s first and foremost. While some individual members of different clubs out there may be a little less law-abiding, just like people everywhere, they’re still clubs, not gangs. Uncle Javier and I are in the same club but in different chapters. And by the way, my leather vest is called a cut. Just so you know.”

Yeah, I was still pretty confused. “So why aren’t you wearing your vest, uh, I mean cut, today?”

“Because we’re caging it, and you don’t wear your cut in a vehicle. It’s disrespectful to touch the patch to the seat of a cage.”

Okay, a cage? Oh Lord, time to change the subject.

“Ooooookay. So, if you don’t mind, I just need to swing by a dollar store for most of it.” Of course, he wanted to know what all I was getting. Once I told him, he was pulling up in front of a uniform store. “Kayde, I don’t have enough cash on me to get anything here. At least not and get my other things.”

“You’re not buying, so let’s go.”

Crossing my arms, I gave him my best stern “mom face.”

Instead of arguing with me, he just reached over, unbuckled my seat belt, and walked around to my side the vehicle. I tried to quickly lock the door, but I wasn’t quick enough on the uptake. The door was open and he was resting his hands on the top of the truck as he looked me in the eye before I knew it. “Either you can get out, walk in the store, and pick out what you need, or I carry you in, in which case poor Ty has to walk.” Oooo, he was hitting below the belt bringing Ty into it. He was such a shit!

“Fine!” I huffed as I pushed him to the side and jumped from the truck. Okay, fine, he stepped to the side for me. Sheesh. Details, details.

Laughing enough to make me want to sock him in the eye, he plucked Ty from the back seat and we went inside, where he bought me three new sets of scrubs. Ass.

It went like that at every stop we made. He refused to let me pay for anything, and he just laughed at my attempt to fight him on those decisions. By the time we were done and stopped for lunch, I was steaming mad. Thankful, but mad.

While Ty sat eating his chicken nuggets, I stewed on my words to explain my feelings to Kayde. “Look, this may or may not come out right, but you made me feel like he did today by not letting me pay for anything. Nothing I had was truly mine. At least you let me make my own choices, but still, it upset me.” Poking my grilled chicken around on my plate, I chewed on my lip. When the warmth of his large hand covered mine, I looked up into his eyes.

“Sera, I didn’t mean to make you feel that way at all. I just knew you didn’t have a lot of cash on you because of the circumstances. If you want, you can consider it a loan. Pay me back when you can.”

Watching him with narrowed eyes to judge his sincerity, I finally acquiesced. “With interest.”

“No. I draw the line at paying me back, Sera. No interest.”

Pursing my lips in frustration, I finally nodded. “Deal.”

His grin stole my breath away. God, he was beautiful. Even dressed in another stark-white T-shirt, dark-washed jeans, and black biker boots, he was the hottest man in the crowded restaurant. Just then it dawned on me. I hadn’t looked in the shadows for Lawrence once today.

Life was starting to look up already.

“Die For You”—Otherwise

WHEN SERA HAD ASKED about the tat on my back, I had quickly changed the subject because I wasn’t ready to tell her about it. It was a little too personal and gave away a little too much.

She had trailed her fingers over all of my tats that night, but didn’t ask about any of them.

“All of my tats” made it sound like I was covered. Craziest thing? I actually only had seven, and I was a tattoo artist. One would think I’d be all inked up. Nope. All my ink meant something. None of it was random shit, so I had gone slow. The first one was the one I just mentioned. Then I had one on each inner forearm, both sides of my ribs, my legs, and then my pride and joy was still in the works. I had it drawn up, but I hadn’t started the main part of it yet. Just the words arching across my shoulders on my upper back. Alis Volat Propriis. “She flies with her own wings.”

There were a couple of reasons I decided on it. One, because it could be translated to mean “I stand on my own two feet, and I don’t rely on anyone else.” The honest reason, and one that not many people knew, was because Serafina meant “Heavenly Winged Angel.” Hacker and Roy were the only ones who knew that part. My plan was to have an angel underneath it, with her wings wrapped around herself as she knelt in supplication. It wasn’t my fault if she bore an uncanny resemblance to Sera.

One of these days, I’d tell her about them.

The next day, Hacker headed back home without me after making sure I was good. It was great having him during my journey down and for support through the funeral, but I knew it was killing him being away from Kassi. No matter what kind of shit he tried to throw at us, he really cared about her. Maybe more than cared. I really hoped he would get his head straight and, by the time I got back home, they would be together.

I’d been touching base with Snow, and he’d told me to take as much time as I needed. It was great being back in San Antonio and seeing my family. Not to mention, these last few days with Sera and Ty had been amazing, but this wasn’t really home anymore.

My grandfather was still a vacant shell most of the time, but he had at least perked up a little when I brought Ty over. Every day, Ty climbed up in his lap like he lived there and watched TV with him, or my grandfather read him a book. It was obvious Ty had been to the house before, and it made me wonder why my abuela never mentioned him. Questions I would never get the answers to now.

Grandpa had also left the house to go out to dinner with my uncle Matias. He wanted to spend some one-on-one time with Grandpa before he headed back to the Stan off emergency leave. It wasn’t much, but his getting out of the house was an improvement from him sitting in his recliner staring at the wall. Because I’d felt guilty, and so my grandfather didn’t have to keep seeing the mess I had made of Abuela’s yard, on her last day off, Sera and I had packed up all the yard decorations and stored them in the attic, where I figured they would reside for a long damn time. Every piece I picked up or packed up tore a small piece of my heart out.

Sera had gone back to work, but I’d been taking her there to make sure dickhead wasn’t lying in wait for her at the hospital. Today was her third and last day of this stretch. Stubbornly, she had driven herself in her dad’s truck, since he had his work truck to use, not that I was thrilled with that, and I’d fought going to check on her all fucking day. The last thing I wanted to do was make her feel like I was being overbearing, controlling, or some stupid shit like the dumb fuck had been.

Marla was going to take time off work to watch Ty, but I told her there was no need because I’d love to and I didn’t have anything else to do. It meant a lot to me that Sera trusted her child with me. It was no sweat off my back; he was an awesome little dude. Anyway, she and I had a lot to talk about when she got home from work.

Fuck, I was referring to the hotel room as “home” as if we were a family. The cold, half-dead part of my heart screamed in self-preservation, but hell if it didn’t feel good to think of a home with Sera and Ty.

The problem was, it was time for me to head back to my actual home. One reason I needed to get back was because the Demon Runners had been quiet, but I knew it was only a matter of time before they pulled some more crap, and I wanted to be there to help my brothers if they needed me.

Damn. I had brothers again. I belonged. That was the hardest thing about walking away from the Corps—leaving behind my unit and the ever-present feeling of camaraderie. The Demented Sons had restored that feeling by accepting me and my dedication to them. Of course, that was after completing my prospect time, which had been no joke. I’d fallen into bed exhausted most nights, but it felt good.

Another reason was the tattoo shop and my ongoing discussions with the owner, who had moved to Vegas, running the shop from a distance. We’d been talking about me buying it. The club was going to go in on it with me so I didn’t have to empty my savings or take out as big a loan. They would get part of the profits, and I wouldn’t be a broke motherfucker. My clients had been understanding of having to reschedule under the circumstances, but I was worried about putting them off too long.

Ty and I were sitting on the couch watching his favorite kids show, and he was prattling on about the characters. His big blue eyes were wide, and his chubby little cheeks were flushed. Diminutive dude really was cute as hell. The exact words coming out of his mouth escaped me, as I was lost in watching his actions and his energy. The uncanny resemblance to the father he never knew was amazing. The whole nature versus nurture was leaning toward the nature side with the animated little guy. Every little motion, his expressions, even the way he ate the peanut butter cup he begged me for when we ran to the store for stuff for supper. Just like Tyler would do, he broke it in half, then bit the center out, saving the edges with the thicker chocolate for last. It was wild as shit.

Even though it was microwaveable food, I didn’t want Sera to have to worry about anything after she got back to the hotel. She and Ty had been staying in the room with me since the first night. Having her little warm body snuggled up to me each night felt so damn perfect, and I didn’t want to lose that feeling. With Ty sleeping in the bed situated right next to us, our sex life was subdued, but we still found moments in the shower, a quickie in the bathroom this morning, and we even had a moment of insanity on the balcony last night after Ty crashed. Jesus, just the thought of her softly satisfied sounds had my dick swelling and pressing against my jeans.

That had me jumping up to splash cold water on my face. Shit, I felt like a horny teenage kid again. With a sigh, I hung my head to regain control of my body. Once everything was down where it belonged, I returned to the couch.

“Mister Kayde! You missed it! They saved the turtoes!” The rambunctious boy was having a hard time with his L sounds, which was another thing that amazed me, because I remembered Marla teasing Tyler about when he was little and couldn’t say the letter L until he was about five. Ty was standing on the couch with his hands resting on my shoulder as he jumped up and down in excitement. Boundless energy and good nature emanated from him and made my heart light. It was like a breath of fresh air after a sandstorm, and I felt myself wishing I’d been around from the day he was born. Wishing I could have seen Sera all pregnant and glowing.

At the click of the door lock, he started to bound off the couch as he hollered, “Momma!” Not wanting him to run to the door, just in case by some weird-ass chance it wasn’t her, I scooped him up and stepped around the cabinet wall to ensure it was indeed Sera. Her eyes lit on her son and immediately went from tired to bright. Flipping the lock, she dropped her bag on the floor. At her raised arms, I walked to her with Ty’s little body leaning toward her the whole way.

When she gathered him close, planting kisses all over his face, my heart swelled. After placing a satisfactory number on his rounded cheeks, she looked my direction and smiled that sexy little smile at me. Fuck, there goes my dick again. This needs to stop, or I’m going to embarrass myself. Sheesh.

“Hey, baby, I made some lasagna. It’s only microwave, but I figured you’d be hungry and didn’t want you to have to worry about what to make. Ty already ate, but I waited to eat with you. You want me to heat it up for us, or do you want to shower first?” She’d only been back to work a few days, but I was already used to her coming home in yoga pants or sweats because she couldn’t stand to leave the hospital in her “nasty scrubs” after dealing with all the germs, blood, and puke of the ER all day. This was her last shift for a couple of days. She had taken an extra shift today that wasn’t initially supposed to be hers, but she went in after they called her because someone had called out sick.

“Aw, I figured I’d buy you dinner for watching Ty. Thanks, you really didn’t need to do that. And I’ll shower before bed. I scrubbed up pretty good in the locker room before I left.” Kicking off her shoes, she hugged the dark-haired little munchkin close to her.

Even as tired as she was, she was without a doubt the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen. With her golden sunset hair pulled up in a high curling ponytail, she reminded me of that little girl I met once upon a time after being dumped at my grandparents’. The green flecks in her golden eyes were vibrant tonight, and I couldn’t quit drowning myself in them. It took her looking away to avidly listen as Ty explained to her about how we went to the park, then to the store, how he helped me put the lasagna in the microwave; otherwise, I would probably still be staring into those amber-like orbs. As he was filling her in on the details of the day, I heated up our food. Just as I rounded the cabinet with our steaming plates, back to where they sat snuggled on his bed, I caught the tail end of his explanation where he totally ratted me out for buying him the candy bar.

“Hey, buddy! That was our secret. Now you have to pay for spilling the beans!” Stealing him from her arms after setting the plates on the dresser, I raised him above my head, gently shaking him as he giggled. Then I set him on his bed and blew raspberries on his little belly until he grabbed my hair and squealed. “Now you’re going to the bathtub for the rest of your punishment.” Turning back toward my little pixie on the bed, I sternly told her to keep her paws off my food or she’d be the next one to be punished, then waggled my eyebrows to ensure she knew I was playing with her.

“But it’s going to be cold by the time you’re done.”

“Oh well, I’ve eaten worse in the past. And someone must deal with this traitorous little monster!” At my hand curling into the “claw,” Ty laughed. Then I pointed to my plate. “Remember, my lasagna.”

The smirk she tossed my way told me she was all good. Before I could head back to the bathroom, she purposely made a big production of sticking her finger right in the middle of my slice of lasagna.

“Okay, sweetheart, two can play at that. Tu culo es mio.” My laughter was close on the heels of her sinister chuckle. Because her father had wanted to ensure his children fit in with American culture as well as their Mexican heritage, he had taught Sera and her brother Spanish as they grew up, so she understood exactly what I meant.

Setting Ty down, I instructed him to get ready to get in the tub as I started to run the water, checking to be sure it wasn’t too hot or too cold. As I turned to place him in the tub, a little naked butt streaked by and out to the main room. Little turd. Knowing he couldn’t get too far, I meandered after him, only to see him swiping the two little boats off the ottoman, the ones he had begged me for today. Now I completely understood why he wanted them so bad instead of cars or trucks.

“Kayde! You have to quit spoiling him.” Her eyes were narrowed at me with her hand frozen halfway to her mouth with a bite of food. All I could do was shrug and smile.

“I have a lot of years to make up for.” With a wink, I followed the mini streaker as he trucked back to the bathroom. Even though he was a good-sized boy, my giant-ass hands nearly touched as I circled his chest under his arms to lift him in the tub. The little goober wasted no time sending his boats floating in circles after each other. Just when I thought I had this parenting business down pat, he pretended his boats collided and exploded, sending water flying in an arc straight onto the top of my head as I knelt by the edge of the tub.

Uproarious laughter poured over me like warm honey. Evidently, she had just reached the door as the Hoover Dam let loose on me, and she was bent over, hands on her knees, laughing her cute little ass off.

“Oh, you think this is funny, huh?” Devilishness spreading through me, I grabbed her and rubbed my soaking-wet head right into her chest as she squealed. Ty was laughing by this time, and with my back to him, I pulled her peaked nipple between my lips and sucked it through the thin fabric of her now-transparent shirt and visibly lacy bra.

Pulling back, I grinned like the Cheshire cat. “You may want to go change, beautiful. You’re showing the goods.”

A burst of laughter exploded from her sinfully plush lips, and she crossed her arms in front of her exposed chest.

“Just go eat your food while it’s still hot, you troublemaker. I’ve got him from here.”

Only because I was starving did I follow her orders, but before I did, I nuzzled her neck as I passed her in the doorway. Even after working all day, she still smelled so damn good to me—and she tasted even better. What the hell is she doing to me? Telling myself I really needed to talk to her tonight, I sat on the end of the bed and ravenously consumed my dinner.

Like a real couple—which was really weird to me, even after nearly a week of doing this—we tucked Ty in, and he was sleeping before she could finish reading the book she had brought home for him. Fuck if I didn’t want this every damn night.

Pulling her over to the other side of the room, I fell back onto the couch and tugged her down into my lap. It was my turn to nuzzle her. “Rough day?” My face nestled into her as I slid the tip of my nose down her neck. Driving me wild, the faint scent of her perfume still lingered.

“Ugh. You have no idea. It was patient after patient today.” She worked in one of the biggest hospitals in San Antonio, and I knew they were always hopping nonstop. Wrapping my arms around her, I held her tight to my chest. “Mmm, you feel so good.” Turning her head to face me, her pink tongue slid along my jawline. Obviously, she felt my dick harden under her because she was quick to grind her ass into me.

Peeling her back, I looked her in the eye. It was important for me to stay focused because I needed to talk to her. My body would happily let the talk wait, but my heart and mind knew we needed to get it out of the way. I was running out of time. “Sera, we need to talk.” My fingers of one hand filtered through her silken ponytail, while the other slid around her rib cage, briefly cupping over her soft tit before splaying across her chest. Her heart raced under my fingertips. “What are we doing, baby?”

“What do you mean? I’m pretty sure we’re making out on the couch, and if I’m lucky, we’ll get further than heavy petting before we go to sleep.”

Humor at her comment had me smiling and shaking my head.

“I’m actually being serious. What are you wanting from this? Because I don’t want this to just be a fuck-buddy kind of thing.”

Tipping her head, she narrowed her eyes and pursed her lips. “Kayde, I… I guess I’m not sure what you’re asking.”

Her frown, mixed with her hesitancy, was a gut punch. Fuck, had I misread her this whole time? Maybe I should just drop this. No. I had hesitated years ago and thought I was taking the high road, being the martyr, whatever you want to call it. Look what that had cost me already. And if I was honest with myself, the thought of going back to the darkness I dwelled within before she came back into my life chilled me to the bone. The number of times I questioned my sanity in relation to my lack of emotion would be staggering to some people. My time in the Marine Corps was honorable, and I was proud to have served, but it definitely left me feeling soulless and my heart frozen in black ice. She, and her unexpected little sidekick, made me feel redeemable.

Running my tongue nervously along the inside of my bottom lip, I was craving a cigarette to calm my nerves just enough to let me get out what I needed to ask her. Finally, I metaphorically grabbed myself by the balls and let it fly. “Come back to Iowa with me.”

Silence.

“Sera?” Her blinking eyes were owl-like as she stared at me with her mouth hanging open.

“Jesus.” Muttering, she stood and stalked back and forth in front of me. Those actions and the whole situation didn’t ease my mind.

“Sera, baby, come with me. You and Ty. I promise I’ll never let that piece of crap, or anyone, hurt you again.”

She continued to pace until I thought she would wear a path in the carpet. Finally, she stopped in front of me with her head hanging, arms pulled tight around her abdomen. Tears hovered in her beautiful eyes.

“I can’t, Kayde. It’s not that easy. I have a job here. My family is here. And Ty, he’s all Marla has left of Tyler. It would be so unfair to take him away from her. Not to mention, he loves my dad and Marla. It would be cruel to take him away from his only grandparents. He wouldn’t understand.” Those big drops of moisture hovered and shimmered in her eyes until she blinked and they spilled forth to trail down her cheeks. My heart was shredding, as if someone was taking a razor blade to it, leaving superficial cuts all over it, letting me bleed out slowly to maximize my suffering. Her pain and tears did that to me.

“Sera, I can’t leave you here. It’s only a matter of time before he’s bound to find you. Having a place to stay that isn’t in your name won’t protect you for long. All he has to do is to wait for you to get off work and follow you. You know nothing about evasive tactics if someone was tailing you. Please, think this through.” Frustration vibrated through me, shattering my equilibrium.

She dropped to her knees in front of me, placing her hands on my thighs. “Now that he knows I’m serious and I’m actually gone, I really don’t think he’ll be a problem. Besides, my brother can keep an eye on me too.”

Snorting out my disbelief, I dropped my head back and stared at the ceiling for divine intervention with this situation. “Yeah, because he’s done a stand-up job of that so far, right?”

“Kayde, that’s not fair. We all deal with grief differently. I’ll talk to him. I’ll let him know what was going on. I never should have kept it from him in the first place, but I fell victim to Lawrence’s scare tactics and threats. Surely he won’t do half of what he said. He’s a fucking cop, for crying out loud. There are repercussions. He’s not God or above the law. If you’re that worried about me, then stay. Don’t leave.”

Did she understand what she was asking? Didn’t she realize it wasn’t easy for me to just up and relocate either? And I didn’t have someone potentially stalking me. She did.

“Babe, I can’t.” It briefly crossed my mind to just wrap her up and drag her back with me kicking and screaming, but I was pretty sure that wouldn’t have gone over well going through the airport.

Squeezing the muscles of my thighs for emphasis, she sighed and said, “Then you’ll just have to trust that I’m a big girl and I’m making my own decisions for the first time in over a year.”

“This is a bad idea. You know I can’t, in good conscience, leave you here unprotected. But I can’t stay, babe. I have to get back. I have a job, a club, a life there. I’m on the verge of buying the tattoo shop I’m working at. This is big for me. Please consider coming back with me. I don’t want to walk away from you again. I can’t protect you from up there. If you were with me, I could keep you safe.” The thought of leaving her had my insides knotted and churning. Anger simmered under the surface, biding its time, waiting to rupture the fragile control I had on it.

“It doesn’t matter where I am, you can’t guarantee my safety. Unless you’re going to be with me 24/7, and even then, shit happens. That’s life and you know it. We’ll just have to keep in touch, and we can visit back and forth until we figure all this shit out. There’s FaceTime and a million other ways to stay close thanks to technology. Unless you’re saying you don’t want to do long distance and you just want to call it quits now.”

The dark, ugly part of me wanted to lash out and say yeah, if I couldn’t have her, I didn’t want to see her or talk to her. Then the thought of never seeing her or Ty again left me feeling broken and bleeding.

Gathering her up to the couch, I pulled her to lie on top of me and brought one leg over hers, anchoring her to me. Her spun-silk hair escaped over her shoulder, and I twirled it around my hand. Using it as leverage, I pulled her lips closer to mine where I whispered across her dark pink lips, “We’ll figure it out. Somehow. Someway.” Just after our lips joined, our tongues tentatively reached out for the other. What started as a sweet, tender kiss morphed into a battle for dominance with no winner. It happened every single time. We ripped at each other’s clothing, desperate for the maximum contact of heated skin.

Breaking away, gasping for a lungful of oxygen, she gazed down at me, lust shining in her flushed cheeks, swollen lips, and glittering eyes. In that quiet moment, I knew I would die for her if need be. She was everything, and without her, my life was nothing. I was sure I’d be able to convince her to come back with me. I just needed a few days.

But a few days later, everything went to shit.

Uncle Javier’s club had come through with an apartment for Sera, and they would only let her pay enough to cover the utilities. She’d been pissed, thinking she was getting handouts or preferential treatment, but as far as they were concerned, she was family.

After checking out of the hotel, we grabbed the few things she’d acquired since she had left the asshole and brought them to the apartment. It was furnished and had all the things someone would need to stay for any period of time, so she didn’t have to worry about furniture or household stuff, just personal things.

Then I’d broken down and told her I was leaving the next day. I’d begged her again to come with me. Again, she had refused. Misery etched her face, and tears cut a path down her cheeks. “I need to be here. Tyler’s mom needs me and Ty. My dad needs us.”

“What about you, Sera? What do you need? You can’t keep doing this to yourself, living your life for everyone else. You can’t keep doing this to me. You traded one mantle of control for another, but you refuse to see it! I’m sorry you lost Tyler, that his mom lost him. I’m sorry we all lost him, and I’m so happy we still have a piece of him in Ty. But goddamn it, Sera, I already love that little boy like he’s my very own. Like I planted him in you the night we made love. Yeah, we made love that night. At least I did. Maybe it was born of grief and a desperate need to feel alive, but I fucking made love to you because I’ve loved you since the day I met you. I don’t want to leave either of you here, where you’re not safe.”

“What? Are you fucking serious? Then why didn’t you ever say anything? Why didn’t you fight for me, if that’s how you felt? Maybe because that’s bullshit. I remember how after Tyler and I started dating, you had some new fucking slut hanging on your arm every other day! That’s not a guy in love. I heard you, Christian, and Tyler talking when you were playing football in the backyard and you thought I was reading. Talking about those heifers and the things they did to you. Why would I think for a second you cared about me? Then you up and left me, Kayde. Left for the Marine Corps and never looked back. Oh, you sent or replied to an e-mail here or there. Occasional cards. But you never came back, Kayde. Just like everyone else, you fucking left me.”

“Jesus, Sera. I was a teenage kid. Did I fuck up? Yeah, I did. But I was hurt, and I was lashing out. I fucking knew you were listening with your nosey little ears perked up to hear every word. That’s why I made sure to say those things. Why I flaunted girls in front of you. Because I wanted, and hoped, to hurt you as much as you hurt me. I thought maybe you would show me that I mattered, that my feelings weren’t one-sided. It was wrong, and I admit that, but I was pissed that Tyler had what I wanted. And as far as leaving you? Fuck, would you have wanted to sit and watch me with some other girl? Her hands touching me in front of you day in and day out? Wondering if I fucked her slow and easy, or hard and rough? Because I couldn’t do it.” The shocked and hurt expression on her face almost had me stopping to find a way to give in to her. To stay here and give up everything I had back in Iowa. But I couldn’t do it. Yes, I loved her, but she obviously didn’t love me the same way or she would at least consider coming back with me.

At her continued silence, I decided to throw down the gauntlet. “Does that make me weak? Maybe. But there was no way I could sit around and watch the two of you have what should have been ours, if only I had opened my fucking mouth. If only I had not worried about betraying my best friend by wanting his little sister. Unfortunately, Tyler didn’t have such concerns, and he got to you first. So yeah, I wasn’t strong enough to watch him hold you while I held a bunch of cold ‘if onlys.’ You were going to divorce him, and now Tyler’s dead. Your brother didn’t have a fucking clue what was going on with you. Your dad works sunup to sundown, and you have one single solitary friend, thanks to that fuckwad you were with, but instead of giving us a chance, you want to stay here in your misery, wallowing in your self-pity about everyone leaving you, yet being here for everyone else. Not only that, but risk being found by the man who beat the living shit out of you for over a fucking year! What if, when he finds you, he turns that on Ty? What then? Will it still be worth staying here in this godforsaken town? So you make your choices. No one is forcing you to do anything you don’t want to do. I love you heart and soul, Sera, but I’m leaving tomorrow.” Pausing, I dropped the two plane tickets I’d bought and paid for, when I foolishly thought she would jump at the chance for a fresh start away from all the crap and memories here, on the coffee table in front of her. “If you don’t show, I’ll know what your decision is. But regardless of your choice, I’ll always love you more than my next breath.”

Before I could cave, I walked out the door, got on my uncle’s bike, and headed back to my grandfather’s place. I was having dinner with everyone tonight before I left. I’d planned to stay with Sera and Ty tonight because I really thought she would’ve changed her mind and decided to get the fuck out of Dodge. Now I needed to clear my head. Needed some space.

I’d totally meant what I said. My next breath was less important than her, but I couldn’t keep hanging my heart out for her to shoot full of arrows because she wanted to use me up, but not love me back.

“Falling Apart”—Papa Roach

THE DAY HE RETURNED to Iowa was almost worse than the day Tyler died. It hurt too much to watch him leave, so I stood in the apartment, fighting tears and losing, as he walked out the door. Those tickets taunted me from the coffee table where they sat for days after their date. It was impossible for me to throw them away, so I had put them facedown in one of the kitchen drawers. More than anything, I wanted to use them, but it wouldn’t be fair to my family or Ty. Before he left, Kayde had set Ty and me up in a small but clean two-bedroom apartment in a fourplex his uncle’s club owned. Javier said they used it for when they had club members or family visiting from out of town. We’d been there for about two months with no word from Lawrence, so I counted my blessings.

There was only one full-time resident, and she was also a single mother. She was quiet and, initially, we rarely had in-depth conversations. All I’d known at first was that she was a former brother’s “old lady.” That term still cracked me up because I really thought she was going to be actually old when Javier told me about her. Anyway, by former I mean he died when a truck ran a red light and T-boned him, killing him instantly. Poor girl. Her baby had been a mere year old at the time. Then, after his death, Emily had lost her job because they said she missed too much work after he died. I’d never understand how people could be so heartless.

After about a week or two of shuffling Ty around to my family members and Amy, Em caught me in the small laundry building out back and we got to talking. She was still struggling with the loss of her fiancé to the accident and was crying when I walked in with two heaping baskets and Ty on my heels. Ty had broken the awkward moment in his guileless little boy way by climbing up into the chair next to her little girl and introducing himself. It sent a pang to my heart as it transported me back in time to a little boy who looked so much like Ty and that little girl who told him he was going to be her best friend forever.

Shaking my head to clear the memories and the pain in my chest, I watched as she tried to wipe away the evidence of her grief and paste a smile on her face. “Hi, I’m Emily. This is my daughter, Rose. I’m sorry I’ve been kind of antisocial. It’s been a rough day. Hell, it’s been a rough year.”

“Hey, I understand. Trust me. I’ve….” I took a deep breath. “I’ve been there.”

That was the catalyst for one of the toughest conversations either of us had probably ever experienced. Finding out she wasn’t alone helped her open up. She’d had a hard time because she had no family in the area, and her few friends didn’t understand since they had never experienced an unexpected loss like she had. They all thought she should accept it and move on because it had been over a year since his death.

One thing led to another, and we were talking about my schedule and how hard it was to find daycare. That’s when she told me she did medical coding from home for a couple of local clinics and offered to watch Ty for me. It was a mutually beneficial situation for us; she earned some extra money to help with her bills, and I had a great sitter right in my building.

Since then, we became friends, and on my weekends off, we were often together. She and Rose had even joined me a few times for dinner with my dad. He had taken to Rose as if she was another grandchild and was even trying to teach her Spanish. Amy even loved her, and we had enjoyed a girls’ night in my apartment where we painted our nails and drank wine while the kiddos slept in sleeping bags on the living room floor, propped up with pillows from the couch. They had tried to stay up late watching Frozen, but couldn’t hang with the big dogs.

Knowing I had time to get changed, I trudged up the steps to let myself in the little apartment. Dropping my keys on the kitchen table, I shuffled my tired legs into the bedroom and peeled off the nasty scrubs spattered in blood from the hellish day I’d barely survived. Glancing at the clock, I shot off a text to Em to let her know I was home and was taking a five-minute shower to get the germs off me before I went down to get Ty. She answered right away, telling me to take my time, the kiddos were playing but she was putting Rose to bed soon, so if she didn’t answer to let myself in.

For just a few minutes, I stood letting the hot water wash over my exhausted body, easing the tense muscles. After scrubbing vigorously, I rinsed and rushed to get dried and dressed. Every day I worked, I missed Ty like crazy, and I couldn’t wait to get down there and grab my little ray of sunshine.

Another person I missed like crazy was Kayde. For almost a month after he left, we didn’t talk. Ty would ask about him nonstop. I’d finally broken down and called him. Not having him to hold me at night was awful, and that first night I cried myself to sleep. The next morning, I almost said “fuck it” and packed our things to go to the airport. Then guilt settled in, and I knew I couldn’t just leave my family like that. But not being able to even hear his voice had been killing me, so one night after Ty went to bed, in case Kayde told me to fuck off, I called him.

Since then we’d talked every damn night. As a matter of fact, he should be calling in about forty minutes so he could FaceTime with Ty before I put him to bed. It was hard to say which of them looked forward to that more. I hurried to get ready so I could go grab Ty.

This separation had been hard on all of us, and I told myself every damn day that I needed to figure out a solution that worked for both of us. No, for all of us. Ty was definitely a part of this impossible equation.

My phone rang and I lifted it, looking at the number on the screen first. “Hey, girl, you okay after today?”

Amy blew out a frustrated sigh. “Barely. Today was a bitch, huh? Is it a full moon or something? Damn, how many traumas did we have? I think I lost count.”

There had been several motor vehicle accidents that had ended up at our ER. “There were three, but it just seemed like there were more because there were so many people involved in that second one. They should come up with a safety feature on cell phones that disable texting while in a moving vehicle. Something. Did you hear two of the three accidents were direct results of texting and driving? Dumbasses. Anyway, I’m frickin’ beat. Just getting ready to head down to get Ty from Em, then talk to Kayde before I crash for the next two days.” Laughing, I opened the fridge to grab the orange juice. Pouring a small glass, I sipped it as I slipped my feet into my slides.

“Damn, girl, that man is hot as hell. I can’t believe you didn’t run after him with the clothes on your back and Ty tucked under your arm like a football.” Amy had literally smacked me in the back of the head when I told her everything that had transpired with me and Kayde. She told me I was being foolish, that we only got one life and we should live it to the fullest, grabbing every bit of happiness from it we could.

“It’s not that simple.”

“The hell it’s not, Sera. It’s exactly that simple. Your dad is a grown man, and he isn’t decrepit. He doesn’t need you around to babysit him. Neither does Marla. And I think they would want you and Ty to be happy above all else.” This was the same argument we’d had when I first told her.

“Not tonight, Aim. I’m too tired to hash over this with you.” Closing my eyes, I leaned back against the counter.

“I’m sorry, girl, I didn’t call you to argue or stir shit. Really, I just wanted to know if you wanted to have a girls’ day, get a pedi and do a little shopping the day after tomorrow. I wanted to do it tomorrow, but they just called and asked me to work because Julie called off sick with the flu. So I figure the next day is my only day off this week, and I’m gonna need some girl time. You know, shopping therapy. Maybe have lunch after?” Her voice was hopeful, and I felt bad for being short with her. She had been by my side for everything. Hell, she’d wanted to go shoot Lawrence when I finally broke down and told her what I had been enduring.

“You know what? That sounds amazing. Let me see if Em will watch Ty for a few hours for me. But I need to go get my little man. After those kids today, I just need to hold mine close, you know?” That was the worst part of working in the ER sometimes—the kids. Whether sick, hurt, whatever. The bad outcomes made you want to just appreciate the little miracles you were blessed with every day.

“All right, chica. I’ll swing by to get you at about nine. If Em can’t watch Ty, it’s no biggie. He can be my little date when we go.”

Smiling and letting out a little laugh, I agreed and ended the call. Maybe I didn’t have a lot of friends, but the one I’d managed to keep had been die-hard and I loved her like crazy. She would go nuts when I told her I had asked for the week of Christmas off to go up to spend it with Kayde. Hell, Kayde didn’t know yet because I wanted to surprise him. I must be nuts to even be thinking of going up there in the middle of the winter. A shiver snaked down me at the thought of driving in that cold white crap. Despite my fears of the driving conditions, I was excited. It was only another few weeks away. His gift was wrapped and sitting under my tree with a big huge bow Ty picked out.

Though my legs were tired, the trip downstairs to get my boy shot an extra boost of energy to them and I was down in record time. When Em didn’t answer to my light knock, I knew she was putting Rose to sleep, so I opened the door.

The TV was playing quietly in the living room as I walked through to the kitchen where I heard soft voices. Ty must be eating his bedtime snack. Em spoiled him so bad. A grin stole across my face at the thought of sneaking up on him and peppering him with kisses as he softly giggled.

The smile on my face died a slow death as I walked around the corner and stopped dead in my tracks. Pounding out a staccato rhythm, my heart nearly ruptured and my hands shook at the sight before me.

“So good of you to join us, Serafina. Ty here has been missing me, haven’t you, son?” His voice was screeching nails on a chalkboard as I screamed in my head for him to take his vile hands off my baby boy. Words escaped me as I watched Ty look up at Lawrence and smile. Innocence in the clutches of evil. When his cool eyes left my son and rose to me, I almost passed out. “What’s the matter, darling, cat got your tongue?”

Eyes furiously darting around for Em, I was terrified of what he may have done to her. “Where’s Em and Rose?” Cursing the quiver in my voice, I tried not to act as terrified as I was, but by then I was trembling head to toe. Nausea roiled in my guts.

“Mmm, the girl is sleeping. The mother is, um, indisposed. Come, sit.” Command dripped from his words, and I knew this was bad. So very, very bad.

As I made my way around the table, I reached my arms out to Ty. “Hey, baby, Momma missed you. Come give me a hug.”

When Lawrence’s arms tightened on him, Ty quit his movements to follow my request and looked at Lawrence in confusion.

“No, he’s going to stay with me for the moment. Once I get confirmation that you understand everything I’m telling you, he can go to you. Do you understand me?”

Nodding, I prayed someone would show up to help us, but in my heart I knew we were probably fucked.

“We’re going for a little ride. You’re going to take Ty in and put him to sleep in the mother’s bedroom.” He paused. “Unless you want him to go with us?” The venomous words seeped from his mouth and were spoken in such a friendly voice, one might’ve been fooled into believing he was an old long-lost friend if they didn’t know him like I did.

“No. He can stay here. You want to have a sleepover with Em and Rose, Ty?” Smiling as if my life depended on it, I did my very best to sound excited for Ty. His innocent little face brightened at the prospect of having a sleepover, and my heart broke at the very real concern that I may never see him again. Dread infiltrated every cell in my body as I scooped Ty up in my arms, careful not to touch even a hair on Lawrence’s body as I did.

“Hurry, my sweet Serafina.”

A sob burned in my throat, but I wouldn’t let it escape and scare Ty. Stepping into the hall to place Ty in Em’s room, my sharp in-drawn breath had Ty looking in the direction I was facing to see what I was gasping over. Before he could see Em sprawled on the bathroom floor, I pressed his face to my chest and hurried to the bedroom. My friend had been facedown, with a small pool of blood seeping out and blending with her chocolate-colored locks where they were spread around her head.

Shaking hands stroked my son’s small face, committing every detail to memory. Certainty in my demise had me kissing him and telling him to always remember how very much I loved him. Of course, he asked if Kayde was calling him. My heart broke. “No, little man, not tonight. He had to work late, but he said to tell you he loved you to pieces and he’d talk to you soon.”

As I made up a story about a little prince who was so loved by his mother and then rescued from the evil dragon by the unsuspecting knight, he began to appear sleepy. His eyes were heavy, and he was dropping off to dreamland before I kissed his soft cheek one last time. Visions of Em’s body lying crumpled in the bathroom had me crying silent tears. Sending up an apology to her for inadvertently pulling her into the shitstorm of my life, I thought at least she would be with her love. With great sorrow, I mourned the loss of both of Rose’s parents, feeling guilty at being the cause of her losing her mom. The thought of the little girl being raised by strangers and both kiddos being raised without their momma or daddy made my chest feel like it was caving in.

Just as I was standing, I remembered my cell phone was in the pocket of my running pants. Glancing over my shoulder to see if Lawrence was there, I remembered something I had seen posted on Facebook. Pressing my power button over and over, I was surprised when it worked, and I was directed to an emergency call. Right when I heard someone answering, I jumped at the sound of footsteps in the small hall. In a rush, I shoved the phone in the covers, praying Lawrence wouldn’t hear the voice of the person on the other end of the line, but that the person would hear me.

“Are you done? It’s getting late.” His voice made me cringe. I couldn’t believe I had ever been attracted to him in any way. My every sense was on high alert, and my body was poised for flight.

“Lawrence, I don’t want to go with you. I can’t leave the children here unattended. What if they wake up and find Emily like that? Why did you have to kill her?”

“Shut the fuck up, Sera. Maybe you should have thought of that before you ran away. Their situations are on your hands. You’ve been very disobedient, and it’s time I showed you that I won’t tolerate that from anyone. Especially you. Get up. Let’s go.”

Hesitating, I considered acting like I was kissing my baby good night and grabbing the phone to have it with me. Then I wondered if it would be better to leave it here so the authorities could get to the babies before something happened to them while they were unattended. Making the choice to leave the phone with Ty, I leaned over to kiss him and whispered, “Help me.” Before he could come closer to my innocent son, I stood on legs that threatened to buckle under me.

“You can’t just kidnap me, Lawrence. People are going to find out I’m missing and come looking for me.” At the increasing strength in my voice, he stalked closer, grabbing my arm in a punishing grip.

The blatant fury in his face was terrifying, but I tried like hell to maintain calm. Grinding his teeth, he flared his nostrils and growled, “There won’t be anything for them to find. Let’s fucking go, bitch.”

As he shoved me in the front seat of the same car I had abandoned when I left him, terror engulfed me, and I instinctively tried to lunge out of the door. His fist to my face had me falling back into the seat as black spots swam in my vision.

Sobbing, I curled into myself as tight as I could, praying for either rescue, which I was pretty sure was futile, or a quick death, which I knew was a wasted prayer as well. He was going to string out this punishment as long as he could, ensuring my suffering was maximized.

Oh, Kayde, I love you so much, and I never even told you. You poured out your heart to me, and I tossed it away. I should have listened to you. I should have gone with you. Please help take care of my baby boy for me, and don’t let him forget me.

“Believe”—Staind

BEING AWAY FROM HER had been killing me day by day. FaceTime, texts, and phone calls weren’t nearly enough to feed the raging addiction she had unknowingly cultivated within my veins. For the billionth time since I left her standing in the small apartment, I had to reconsider my motives for leaving. She had looked so small and lost as she stood with her arms wrapped around her middle, those damn tickets sitting on the coffee table in the sterile-looking place I had arranged for her through Javier and the club. What I hadn’t told her was the reason I was able to get her a place there. It was because my brothers there in San Antonio believed she was my woman. While my brothers here at home, with the exception of Hacker, didn’t know she existed.

Not that I had lied outright to them. Fuck, if I had my way, it would be 100 percent the truth. The problem was I needed to figure out how to make that a reality. What if she didn’t want that though? What if she didn’t feel the same way about me? The small niggling spark of doubt crept its insidious path along my spine, spreading its wicked blackness until I questioned my worth, her feelings, and my sanity. She hadn’t said she loved me, and I hadn’t repeated it since the day I laid my heart out for her. It was altogether possible that she had used me out of necessity and convenience. Believing she could be capable of that type of selfish carelessness didn’t sit well with me. It didn’t fit with the goodness she’d always carried in her heart.

After I left and she didn’t show up at the airport, I literally felt like someone carved out my heart. Like a fool, I waited and waited until the last possible second to get on the plane, hoping like hell she would show up. When they announced the final boarding call, I knew she wasn’t coming, and I dejectedly boarded. The two seats next to me were conspicuously empty, making me want to throw up.

When I saw a young family boarding, trying to figure out how to handle the flight because evidently by the time they had booked, the only seats they had to choose from were split up, I had the flight attendant offer them my seat and the two next to me. I thought the young mother was going to cry as she held her little girl close. The kid couldn’t have been more than five or six years old. The father shook my hand as he thanked me profusely, and the mother whispered, “God bless you,” as I reached up into the overhead compartment to grab my bag. Flattening my lips, I nodded, but didn’t bother telling her God had forsaken me a long damn time ago.

I ended up crammed next to a little old lady who wanted to talk my ear off, so I pretended to fall asleep. Even that was better than sitting next to those fucking empty seats.

When my phone rang after I landed, I saw it was her and I shut my phone off. I didn’t want to hear the same old excuses. I didn’t want to hear about how everyone else was more important than her. And I certainly didn’t want to hear that she wished she loved me enough to get on the goddamn plane.

Had she really used me? Sure, she cared about me. We’d been friends almost our whole lives. But I thought she felt the same way as I did. If someone had asked me, I would have sworn I saw love in her eyes every time she smiled at me. Then again, the abuse she had suffered could change people.

Self-preservation could be a motherfucker for those around the person struggling to just stay afloat. I was living proof of that. Moving to Iowa had effectively cut me away from everyone in my family, but I had needed to stay away from them, her, and the temptation she represented. At the time, I knew I was too dark, too dead inside to be good for any of them.

If my actions after Tyler’s funeral weren’t proof enough, I don’t know what was. Fucking her before her husband’s body was cold in his grave had been the lowest of low for me. Regardless of what she said, I was wrong to take advantage of her like that, but hell if I wouldn’t do it again if given the chance to go back.

After about a month, her number showed up on my screen. Initially, I hit the “fuck you” button. Then I felt bad. When she called back after a few minutes, I reluctantly answered. Just in case something was wrong, I told myself.

Maybe it was a mistake. Maybe I should’ve never answered that call. But I did. All it took was hearing her voice over the phone and my nerves were zinging. It was like motherfuckin’ magic slid through the phone lines and infiltrated my head and body. Just like that, she owned me again.

Every freaking day, like clockwork, I called and talked to Ty before he went to bed. Then she called me, and we’d talk for fifteen minutes, or sometimes hours, depending on if she worked the next morning.

Daily, I worried about her safety. Just because there’d been no word from her psycho ex didn’t mean he’d given up. It ate at me and nearly crippled me when I thought of him finding her. But it wasn’t just the worry and regret that consumed me. Her smile stole through my vision, blinding me. Her laughter echoed in my head and robbed me of hearing. The scent of her skin was on everything I owned, whether it was real or in my head. So even though I had been busy as hell between shit with the club, dealing with the asshole who had tried to rape Kassi, and all the loops I’d had to jump through to close the deal to buy the tattoo shop, she haunted my every spare thought and dream.

When that crap went down with Kassi, I lost my shit. Looking back on it, I know I was experiencing a serious case of transference. Fuck, I thought I was going to kill that dickhead who messed with her. The cold, emotionless killer had begun to take over that night, and it took DJ pulling me off him to get the murderous glaze to clear from my eyes. In my mind, he was that asshole, Lawrence, and I just kept hitting him and hitting him, even after he’d quit fighting. His face was a bloody pulp, and my hands weren’t much better.

Then Hacker fucked it up again and let her go. Sometimes I wanted to punch that idiot in the throat. I loved him, I did, but damn was he a stubborn dumbass. It was like he was smart as hell when it came to computers and bikes, but common sense eluded him when it came to that girl.

On a good note, the studio was finally mine. There were only three of us in the shop, but I hoped to change that. Roy and I did ink, and Joey did piercings and was a decent artist, but was new. With the right mentors, he could be great. Roy and I worked on that. The end goal was obviously to expand the shop itself as well as the staff. The club and I now owned the entire building, and the T-shirt shop next door wasn’t renewing their lease at the end of the year because they were moving into the Emporium. Cool by me, because I wanted to open the shop up into the whole building and add several more artists.

Hacker laughed in disbelief when he found out I could ink, because I hadn’t started until after he got out. When I moved up to Iowa to be near him and the club, I saw the ad for an artist at the shop and got hired based on my portfolio I had built over the past couple of years tattooing part-time when I wasn’t gallivanting around the world in camo. All my life I had loved art but never did anything with it because… well, let’s face it, I grew up most of my life in Texas. In Texas, football was king, and a dude who drew was just a starving artist.

What started as a really stupid dare with a bunch of the guys from my squad, ended up becoming a passion. We had all been back from a deployment for all of three days. Of course, we’d all gone out drinking and tearing up the town when a few of the guys decided we should get inked, commemorate our fallen brothers from the team and all that sappy shit. Okay, it wasn’t sappy shit. It was real shit, and I wouldn’t sit there trying to pretend I wasn’t messed up in the head because of it. Fuck, I’d give my left arm to have those guys back. Anyway…

Enter Lewis, who’d found out I drew when I was killing time once at a dusty-ass FOB in Afghanistan. Fucking Sergeant Lewis. That motherfucker stepped up and said, “I want Maguire to do mine.” Everyone laughed. I laughed. The guy with the tattoo gun laughed. I tatted Lewis.

Seven big fuckin’ Marines could be pretty convincing. Yeah, the guy knew he shouldn’t have let me, and I knew I shouldn’t have done it, but what the hell, right?

It didn’t look great, but it didn’t look bad. We all got it. The same one. Three small words around our lower right forearm. A band that was well within tattoo regs, a full two inches above the wrist and all that. Celer, Silens, Mortalis. “Swift, Silent, Deadly.” Our motto.

Anyway, it started off my interest in tattooing. Weird, huh? But the thought of putting my artwork on someone permanently had a certain appeal. Fed the secret inner-narcissist in me, I guess you could say. A lot of people thought tattooing was easy and any idiot with a “gun” they ordered online could do it. What they didn’t realize was it really was an art. At least if you wanted to be a truly good tattoo artist. The challenge of getting artwork to lay right over the body’s curves, varying skin texture, positioning and placement, it all went into maximizing the aesthetic appeal of a tattoo.

Of course, if someone insisted on having something in an area that I didn’t think would be conducive to a great tat, I’d do my best to talk to them and explain my theories and thought processes. It’d gone both ways. I’d even straight-up refused to ink someone in a certain area and I’d refused to do certain tattoos. My ink I placed on people was my brand. It was my biggest and most effective advertisement. A good tat could proliferate your business, where a bad one could be a career killer.

Glancing at the time, it felt like the hands on the clock were crawling to when I could call Sera. Without any real reason, anxiety began to churn in my stomach, and I was tempted to call her early. Shaking the feeling off and telling myself I was being foolish, I resumed working on my customer and letting my thoughts drift as I finished his ink.

Shutting off and setting down my machine, I cleaned the new tat and sat back, stretching my back. Leaning over for two hours, even with breaks, could be killer sometimes. That was the other thing about tattoos: the locations aren’t always perfect. It wasn’t like painting on an easel. Yeah, I had a table and it was adjustable, but I still leaned over a lot.

“What do you think, man?”

My customer, Doug, was a regular. He’d already received two other tats from me, so when he decided on this one, he wanted me to do it too. Looking at his chest in the mirror, a slow grin appeared, barely showing through his thick blond beard.

“That’s fucking badass, dude.” Obviously, he was pleased. It was pretty sick, if I did say so myself. Like me and several of the other members of my club, he was a veteran. This design was a 3D style, which had become popular. It was made to look like someone ripped the word “warrior” in his chest, and his various unit patches showed through from underneath, along with what looked like muscle and steel behind them. This was his third and final sitting for this piece.

“Cool, let me wipe it off again, coat it, and cover it. You know the care instructions by now, so I won’t waste your time going over them. If there’s anything you forgot, it’s on our new webpage. And thanks again for being so patient with me having to reschedule.” This wasn’t his first rodeo since he had two full sleeves and his legs were partially inked too. Still, I handed him my new card, listing me as the owner and displaying the shop’s website. That was new since I took over, because this was the digital age and everyone wants to go online and see what you’re about, when you’re open, see the work you do. The former owner was old-school and didn’t have a webpage.

“Hey, it’s no sweat. I’m real sorry to hear about your grandma, but congrats on the shop. I was surprised when I heard. That’s cool as shit, and I’m happy as hell for you. My girl, Sarah, set up an appointment with you? She said she was calling you.” After I finished taping the plastic over the fresh tat, he pulled his shirt on and grabbed his jacket. Damn, when he said “Sarah” it made my heart thrum, even though I knew it wasn’t my Sera.

“Yeah, man, she did. I’ve got her on the books for Friday, three weeks from now. It was the soonest I could get her in.” Business had been booming, which was good to see, because a lot of times people were leery of new ownership at a tattoo shop. After tossing my gloves in the trash, I washed my hands. Then we headed to the front so I could hand him over to Harper and she could get him settled up. Harper was another new addition to the shop. She looked like a bad bitch, with all her tats, piercings, and her purple and black hair, but she was a financial wizard on top of being our receptionist. She helped me with the payroll and ordering shit for now.

The bell over the door rang, and I looked up to see a wave of leather rolling in. “Hey, brother! How’s it hanging?” Gunny’s voice rang out over the music playing and the conversation they were having as they walked in. The nice weather had not only me but several of my brothers out riding today, and obviously here to razz DJ about his first tat. Sitting in a chair waiting on me, he looked scared as fuck. Crazy shit, considering he was a fucking beast. Without batting an eye, he jumped in with me when I dealt with that fucktard messing with Kassi, but needles terrified him. The kid was a hardworking prospect who was about to get patched, but he didn’t know it.

Of course, my ink was on all the club members already. Yeah, every motherfucking one of them. Shit, when they found out I was a tattoo artist, I was inking up members before I had even gotten my job at the Ink Studio. That was scary as shit, knowing if I fucked up it could mean extending my prospect time, or worse yet, losing my prospect patch or getting my ass kicked.

After taking over the shop, I added onto the name, and it was now known as The Wicked Canvas Ink Studio. The idea was to preserve the original name since the place had been open for over fifteen years, but to add to it, to breathe new life into the old place. Wicked came from my favorite little indie band Straight Wicked. The drummer was one of my former team members, Dominic. Most people had never heard of them, but they were badass, and I knew they would be in the big leagues before they knew it. Usually, the studio was now referred to as just Wicked Canvas, but that was okay; as long as they remembered us, that was the main thing.

“Little to the left, Gunny, little to the left. DJ, give me just a minute to get set up.” The guys laughed.

Stopping briefly to thank Doug before he walked out, I shook his hand. “Thanks again, Doug. If you have any issues at all, you be sure to let me know.”

“Of course, thank you. I fucking love it.” Giving the guys a wave, he left out the door, another satisfied customer. Now that I was patched, I had seriously thought about talking to the brothers to see what they thought about checking into Doug’s interest in the club. He’d been riding forever, and he was a veteran. Not that it was mandatory for membership, but a lot of the brothers were prior service. Hell, the club had been started by veterans years ago.

While I cleaned up after Doug’s tat, I started a FaceTime call to Sera. It felt like I’d been waiting a week instead of just all day. When she didn’t answer, I looked at the clock. Eight twenty. She should be home. Maybe Ty was taking a little longer in the tub. Damn, I would miss talking to him tonight. Shooting her a text to give him a hug for me and to call after she got him settled in bed, I finished cleaning up and then set up for DJ’s tat. Pulling out his design I had already set up on the transfer sheet, I stuck my head out of the door. “Come on back.”

DJ’s face was white as he walked in. “Hey, Joker. Where do you want me to sit?” There was just the adjustable table that converted to a chair, kind of like a medical gurney, but I turned to busy myself with my supplies to hide my smile.

“Just have a seat there, and take off your shirt. You can hang your jacket, cut, and shirt on the hook there by the door. We still going with your left deltoid? Same design?” The soft paper cover crinkled as he climbed up. Turning, I handed him the transfer. “Look okay? Anything you want to change?” When he shook his head, I motioned for him to lean back.

Getting the placement just right, I removed the paper and then handed him a mirror. “Look okay?” He nodded, and we got to work.

By the time I was finished and the brothers had all headed out with a grinning DJ, Sera still hadn’t called me back. Still no answer when I called, so I left a message. “Hey, baby. Hope everything’s okay. I really missed talking to Ty tonight. Call me when you get a chance. It doesn’t matter how late. Laters.” It was a struggle not to say I loved her, but I was afraid to push her away since she had never said it back to me. Hell, I knew I loved her. I always had. Thought I could outgrow it or get over her when I joined the Corps, but that sure as shit didn’t work.

Before I left the shop, I checked my phone. Still nothing. Making sure the ringer was turned up and my Bluetooth was turned on, I tucked my phone in my pocket, climbed on my bike, and slid my helmet on. Pulling away from the front of the now-dark studio, I headed to the clubhouse. I needed a beer and the company of my brothers to keep me calm and from taking off to Texas to find out why she wasn’t answering.

When I rolled into the parking lot of the clubhouse, I pulled out my phone as soon as I shut my bike off, just in case my battery died.

Still nothing.

So I tried to call her again. Goddamn it. Why wasn’t she answering? It hurt to breathe without her. Maybe a trip was in order.

“Down in a Hole”—Alice in Chains

THERE WAS NO SENSE of time in Hell. It was just pain, degradation, hate, and more pain. Never in my life had I hated another human being to the extent that I hated Lawrence. That hate was probably the only thing that kept me alive. Because when he first dragged me into our old house after pulling into the garage and handcuffed me, I was terrified. When he hooked those handcuffs to a chain suspended from the ceiling, that terror magnified by a thousand.

After he ripped my clothes off me and beat the shit out of me with that fucking cane, time stood still. Moving hurt. Being still hurt. When I thought it couldn’t get worse, he came back.

“Miss me?” The words accompanied my head being yanked back by my hair. A jarring jerk to my arms, then my body collapsing to the floor had me realizing he’d unhooked me. The crumpling noise didn’t register at first, as my head felt fuzzy. After I tried to lift my head and my face stuck to the ground, I looked around and saw I was laying on damn plastic.

Through the slits of my eyes, I noticed the plastic ran from wall to wall in the bedroom that was Ty’s. No. No. No, no, no, no, no, no. I didn’t realize I had even spoken aloud until he laughed.

“Oh yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Welcome home, darling Serafina. Did you forget I told you no one leaves me? I did try to warn you what would happen, didn’t I? Would you like to see how I uphold my promises?” He pulled his cell phone out and pulled up a news video.

Oh, God, no.

It showed my brother being led into the police station surrounded by officers who looked at him like he was a roach under their shoe, and news media yelling and hounding him for the reason he took bribes and sold out his fellow officers. Sobs wracked my body. Christian would never have done those things, and anyone who knew him would surely believe that.

“Daddy dearest is next. Just like I promised. You’re mine for as long as I want you. You don’t leave me. And when I’m done with you, there will be nothing left of you for anyone else. It will be like you never. Even. Existed.”

My eyes burned from the salt of my tears. The clanking of metal didn’t register until he flipped me to my back and kicked my legs apart. Despite the pain and inability to move before, I started to fight. Adrenaline was my only weapon. When he overpowered me and pushed between my legs, I screamed. His grunts barely registered, nor did the hand around my throat squeezing the life from my body. Hatred bled through me, but my mind closed down in self-preservation. Darkness swallowed me, and I welcomed it with open arms.

Water filled my mouth, my nose, my eyes. Choking, sputtering, fighting for breath, no matter how I moved, it was always there. I’d thought I died. I’d prayed for it, even. Instead, I was drowning. How many times could one die?

“You awake now, darling?” The water had stopped, and I coughed and gasped for air. Wet hair hung in my eyes, sticking to my face. That’s when I realized I was hanging from the chain again. The burning in my shoulders had me wondering if they had dislocated. Swimming in and out of consciousness, I only heard sporadic words.

Hatred multiplied and expanded, taking on a life of its own each time he violated my body. When my mind was coherent, I prayed that my son and little Rose were safe. When my mind folded into itself, I became delusional and imagined I was away from there. With Kayde. Sometimes we were alone, others with Ty like a little happy family.

There was no way for me to know how long I’d been there. Lucidity was short-lived. Delusions were my friend, and it was far easier to escape into fantasy than to deal with my horrifying reality.

Kayde was holding me. Whispering words in my ear, telling me how much he loved me. My head rested on his strong chest, his arms cradling me in their safety. Suddenly, I was jerked from him, back into the cold, harsh, terrifying misery of my reality.

“Fuck!” The demon’s voice rang out, echoing in my head. I dropped to the ground, jarring my shoulder, my arms lying on the floor like dead weights. Heavy lids shielded my eyes and must have weighed a ton as I tried to look around me at what was happening.

Rolling and rolling, my stomach cramped, and I heaved. Vomiting and choking, I vaguely realized my hands were no longer cuffed, but I still couldn’t make them move. Excruciating pain radiated from head to toe like an electric wave. Everything throbbed, hurt, burned. By the time feeling started to return to my arms and legs, I was seized by the stabbing of a million flaming pins puncturing my skin.

Silence.

Then an intoxicating smell.

It burned my nasal passages, making me feel light-headed. Nausea increased, overwhelming me until I puked to the point there was nothing left but dry heaves. Cramping felt like it spread throughout my body, doubling me over. Constant crinkling surrounded me, suffocating me. It was so fucking hard to breathe.

Crackling, blinding light creeped in from the edges of my vision.

Then Tyler was standing over me. “Sera! Get up! Now! Come on, Sera. You have to get up. You can’t let him win. Please, Sera. Listen to me.” His beautiful face swam in and out of focus in a tide of darkness and light. “That’s it. Look at me, Sera. Concentrate. You have to get up and get out of here before it’s too late! God, Sera… please.”

“Can’t, Tylerrrrrrr. Too mucssshh.” Words escaped me, slurring as exhaustion slid over me like a comforting cloak, sucking me under into the peace of the black abyss yawning before me.

Hell was creeping closer. Its wicked flames licking at the curtains blurred through the plastic in front of my face. Tyler lay in front of me, holding my hand. “Oh, Sera. I’m so sorry I didn’t protect you better. I didn’t know.” The warmth of his hand comforted me.

“In here!” The muffled voices drew closer. Tyler wavered in front of me before dissipating into the smoky air. Whimpers escaped me, though I wanted to yell for him to wait for me.

“Jesus.” The glint of a blade flashed in front of my face and the plastic was gone. Briefly, I saw a man in fire gear before my throat was prodded, my mouth and nose then covered again, but this time I breathed sweet, clean oxygen. Jostled, my head flopped back and forth as flame and color sped past in a rainbow-like blur. Deep darkness beckoned me, and with no more fight left, I allowed myself to fall in.

The next memory I had was being rolled through sliding doors, then people in scrubs surrounding me as I continued gliding down the hall. Fluorescent lights above me flashed by, blinding me over and over again.

“Fucking hell. Are you sure she’s still alive?”

“Wait. Doc, her eyes just opened!”

“Hurry up, let’s get her in trauma two.” Bustling movement surrounded me as I bumped from one flat surface to another. Vague memories circled in my head, just out of reach. “Hey, can you hear me? My name’s Ross. This is Amy. We’re going to get you through this, okay? Stay with us. Keep looking at me.”

“Amy….” The whisper that slipped from my mouth was rough and scratchy. I knew an Amy. How was the elusive answer, like trying to grab smoke tendrils in your hands.

“Jesus Christ. No. Oh shit. Ross, I can’t. Oh my God!” More murmuring, then shouts, a sharp pain in my arm, and cold air shoving its way down my throat. It was all just too much, and when the darkness pulled at me again, I gave up and gave in to it.

“Whispers in the Dark”—Skillet

IT HAD BEEN ALMOST two days since I had tried to call Sera and she hadn’t answered. Since then, I had tried to call everyone I knew down there. No one answered. Not her dad, not her brother, not even my grandfather. I was going out of my fucking mind and cursing myself for not getting her friend Amy’s phone number. It was to the point that I was preparing to hop on a plane to head down there, when my phone rang.

Javier.

“Hey, man, what’s up? No one has been answering my calls. What the fuck is going on down there?” His rough exhale was my first clue something was seriously wrong. “Javier?”

“Kayde, you need to get your ass down here. Like now. I didn’t want to worry you, but you need to get down here. Fuck. Just… it’s… Jesus. Kayde, it’s Sera. It’s bad. He got her. I’m so fuckin’ sorry, man. I’m heading to the hospital now, but I don’t know if they’ll tell me anything. Please hurry.” Uncle Javier was a bad motherfucker, and I’d never heard him like this. Not even after Abuela. My blood ran cold as what he said sank in.

“I’m on my way.” Not even taking time to put my machine away, I left my room at the studio and rushed to the door.

“Roy, I need you to have Harper call my clients for the next few days. I’m sorry. I… I have to go. There’s an emergency back home. ¡Chingados! I’ll try to be back by the weekend.” My mind was zinging all over the place, and it was hard to concentrate. I fucking knew this was going to happen.

Inside my chest felt like a hollow, bottomless pit. Not wanting to deal with the questions from anyone, I silenced my phone and headed to the airport.

“Sir, you can’t go in there!”

“Fuck you! That’s my girl in there.” Sleep had escaped my greedy clutches on the flights, and my eyes matched the last flight I just had. By now, I knew I needed a shave, and I probably looked more than a little homeless. But damn, it had been a hell of a trip to get down here. Layovers, delayed flights, plane trouble, and now this motherfuckin’ cop trying to keep me from my woman.

He pulled a taser from his belt, pointing it at me. Raising an eyebrow at him, I dared him to shoot me. I couldn’t believe fucking Barney Fife here. “Jesus, did someone take away your pew-pew? You may knock me down, but I’ll take those damn wires and wrap them around your dick. Better decide quick. You gonna let me in, or are we gonna do this the hard way?”

“What the hell is…? Oh. You.” Sighing in resignation, Christian looked over his shoulder, back in the room. “It’s okay, Thompson. Unfortunately, I know him.” He looked as shitty as I felt.

“Well, fuck you very much, Christian. Let me in. Now.” My patience was wearing seriously thin, and I could feel my restraint unraveling.

Shaking his head, he looked at me with eyes dead with despair. “You really aren’t going to want to come in.” Despite his words, he stepped to the side to let me pass.

Turning first to flip off the uniform by the door, I entered into my own version of Hell. Nothing in the entire world could have prepared me for the sight that greeted me in that hospital bed, and I’ve seen a lot of shit. Just never with someone who meant so much to me.

Christian ran his hands through his hair. “She out like a light right now, thanks to the pain meds the nurse gave her earlier. They said she’ll probably sleep like the dead for several hours, until it starts to wear off.” His voice sounded as haggard as he looked.

My mouth opened three fucking times before I could get the words to collect and exit. “Sagrada Maria, madre de Dios, esto no puede estar pasando. Voy a matar a alguien. Por favor que sea esto un sueño terrible. Christian, what the fucking hell happened?” Before I even knew what I had done, Christian’s already wrinkled shirt was clutched in my fists, and I had him slammed against the wall. “How could you let this happen to her?” My voice was on the edge of being a shout.

“Goddamn it, Kayde, you think I would let this happen? Are you fucking serious right now? That sonofabitch had me tied up under accusations of being a dirty cop. I didn’t even know he might go after her. Thanks to him, every fucking person I knew was looking at me like I was a piece of shit, and I was trying to dig out from under it. I still am. You think you work side by side with people for years, you should know them and be able to vouch for their character, not have them torture your sister.” He gave a disgusted laugh. “He was also in the process of fucking with my dad’s paperwork to make it look like he was an illegal with falsified papers so he could deport him. Dad just left to go check on Marla. She’s torn up something fierce too.”

Slowly uncurling my fingers from the folds of his shirt, I stepped back. Fatigue hit me like a sledgehammer.

“How is she? Other than looking like… ¡Ay, Dios mio! And where’s Ty?” My eyes felt like they were on fire as I sat staring at the woman in the bed, afraid to touch her. Thanks to my dumb ass putting my phone on silent, or maybe during one of my flights, Sera had called and I missed it. The message she’d left me didn’t even begin to touch on how bad this shit was, just that she needed me here. Neither she nor my uncle had mentioned Ty either, and all I’d been able to do was worry. Now I wanted answers.

“Ty’s safe. He’s at Marla’s.” His gaze fell on his sister. Swallowing hard, my old friend looked broken, and tears filled his eyes. “They said it looks worse than it is, surprisingly. Both shoulders were dislocated. She’s bruised and… damaged, but nothing is broken, and they don’t believe there is any further significant internal bleeding.” Dropping into the chair pulled close to the bed, he buried his face in his hands. The words he’d spoken settled over my tired brain, and dread began to weave its way up until it was choking me.

“Damaged?” Covering my mouth, my teeth were grinding and my jaw clenched. “What the hell does that mean, Christian?” Don’t say it. Please, don’t say it. Don’t say what I think you’re going to say.

“Kayde….” It was the barest whisper.

“No.”

“He—” Silent sobs broke off his words.

“No! Goddamn it! No!” Getting shot, stabbed, blown up, none of those things compared to the devastating agony that assaulted every cell of my being at the thought of her enduring that kind of degradation. My legs gave out on me, and I dropped like a stone to my knees. Never had I felt I was a weak man, but at that moment, I looked to the heavens and tears broke free. Cursing God for allowing this to happen to the tiny, sweet girl lying battered and bruised in the sea of white of the hospital bed, I broke. “Fuck you, God. You hear me? Fuck you! She didn’t deserve that! Where were you when she needed you?”

Fingers pulling at my hair, my body felt like it was coming apart at the seams. Anger and shock had my hands violently shaking. Murder swam in my veins as I wanted to destroy that piece of shit.

“Why didn’t you call me? Dammit, when she called, I was traveling down here and missed the call. Fuck, she didn’t mention how bad things were. She just left a message saying she needed my help. Like it was nothing. I was already on my way, so I didn’t think much of it when she didn’t answer my call after that. After her message, I thought maybe Javier had bad info and she was just shook and here for observation. Fuck. Is she…? Did they say she’s going to be okay?” As soon as I asked it, I knew it was a vague, ridiculous question. If anyone was a resident expert of the difference between physical survival and mental survival, me and many of my buddies could attest to the fact that you could survive a lot physically, but it was the shit in your head that would destroy you. Eat you up like a cancer.

“She called you?” His face registered surprise. Then he shook his head. “Of course she did. I told her she needed to go out of town for a while, maybe find an old friend to stay with. At least until we figured out what’s going on. It never occurred to me she would call you. I’m sorry, man, I didn’t think about calling anyone. Everything was so crazy. There was so much fucking trauma. But the doctor said… he said he expected her to make a full recovery. The swelling in her face is actually better, if you can believe that. But Kayde, you need to know… I don’t know whose, but… motherfuckin’ shit… Kayde, she was pregnant. They said maybe about three months, give or take. God, I hope it wasn’t his, but she… lost the baby.”

Before I was even rattling back the dates, I knew. This time, it had to have been mine. Barely contained fury burned in my soul, and I wanted to tear that motherfucking asshole limb from limb with my bare hands. My child. Tinkerbell and me. A baby. Our baby. That worthless fuckwad had taken that from me.

“I want to see him. You get me ten fucking minutes alone with him.” With cold eyes, I met his, and what I saw there I definitely didn’t like. “Christian?”

When he hung his head, the tightly controlled rein I held on my temper strained to the point that I could feel the very fibers of it fraying. “Christian,” I ground out between clenched teeth.

“They don’t know where he is. The last sighting was by the Mexican border. I’m still on administrative leave, and I’ve been ordered not to go vigilante. My chief is one of the few who kept faith in me and didn’t believe the shit he set me up with. Now that everything against my family came to light, and Detective Madison—Lawrence—is suspected of this and now missing, well, they are doubting the credibility of the evidence.”

“That’s why there’s a guard.” It made sense now. When I first arrived, I almost believed her brother had arranged it to keep me out. He didn’t want her out of town to help her get her mind straight—it was for her damn safety.

Dragging my emotionally drained body back to standing, I walked to the other side of her bed. Moving her like she was made of fragile spun glass, I gently lifted her hand to rest in mine. Seeing her slender, bruised hand lying in my massive palm made her appear even smaller. Squatting down and leaning over until my lips barely brushed over her soft skin, I whispered, “My Tinkerbell. God, baby, I’m so fucking sorry. How do we come back from this?”

“Kayde. We need to get her out of here. As soon as she’s cleared to travel, we need to get her somewhere safe. The doctor said she could be ready to leave by Thursday. Maybe tomorrow. Two more days tops, anyway.” Then under his breath, but I still heard him, “This wasn’t what I had in mind, and I can’t fucking believe I’m saying this…. Shit.”

After he composed himself, he looked me straight in the eye. “You need to help me. You need to take her back with you, away from here. Where you and your club can keep her safe.”

The air whooshed from my lungs. Pretty sure it took a lot for him to admit that he wanted me to help and to keep her safe. “Did she tell you I tried to get her to come back with me after she left him? When my abuela passed?” Fuck, it had been months and it still hurt to say it out loud.

“What? No! She didn’t mention a word. She said y’all connected and made up, but I didn’t know it was like that.” The shock on his face would have been funny under any other circumstances.

“Back then, she made it very clear she didn’t want to leave y’all. Don’t think she’s going to agree to that now either.”

“Yeah, well, she’s not going to get a choice now. He’s proven how dangerous he is. Kayde, he tried to burn her alive in the house when he found out he was had. Still don’t know how he found out and how he escaped. There have to be others he’s working with, so we don’t know who we can trust. I think I have a plan, but it hinges on you being willing to risk her temper.” He was a brave man. She may be small, but she be mighty, and God help the man who told her she was doing something she didn’t want to do. Especially after everything that had happened. But if it meant life or death, I was willing.

“Okay. We’ll do it. As soon as the doctor says she can be moved. What’s the plan?”

We sat there ironing out the plan for about an hour. Once we had the details straight, he stood, stretching his back. “The chair pulls out into a bed. It will probably be like a toddler bed for your big ass, but at least you’ll be close. Doc said she should sleep all night because of the pain meds they gave her. I need to go check on Dad and Ty. I’m staying at Marla’s with them, just in case. After what happened to her sitter, Em, I don’t want to risk Tyler’s mom like that.”

“What? Why the fuck didn’t any of them call me? Javier didn’t say anything about Em. Just that they wouldn’t even let him in here to see Sera. What the hell happened? Is she okay?” One more reason to kill that fucker.

“He left her for dead in the apartment with her daughter and Ty. She’s in a room on another floor with quite a concussion, but they said she should be okay. Thankfully, my sister is a smart girl. She called 911, then left the phone connected under the covers. That’s how the officers got to the apartment so fast and they knew to start looking for someone by the name of Lawrence. Of course, initially the guys who responded were from a different substation and didn’t know her or Lawrence, and they had no idea it was one of our own they were looking for. They also didn’t realize I was her brother. Not that they would have told me anything since I’m a piece of shit in the department’s eyes still.”

He paused to scrub his face with his hands. “Anyway, she kept him talking long enough for the operator to get some of the information. They pinged her cell phone, and it led them to Em’s apartment. The kiddos were still sleeping when they got there. I can’t even imagine if one of them had woken up and found Em bleeding out on the floor. He only had her for a little over twenty-four hours before it was pieced together. We were on our way to his house, but his neighbors smelled smoke and called it in, so the fire department was there first and were the ones to find her and get her out. Thank God. If she had been honest with me about the shit she endured, I might have thought to go directly to that asshole’s house. My buddy Xander was the first one in the room. He wouldn’t give me details, but he said that scene would haunt him for a long time. Shit, her friend Amy was working because they were short-staffed and she got called in. The nurses said she lost her shit. I can’t even imagine.” Furrowing his brow, he looked sick. Hell, I felt sick.

“Goddamn, Christian.” With all the shit I’d seen over the years, and I’d seen a lot of pretty gruesome shit, I didn’t want to even imagine that scene involving the woman I loved. It started to set me off again, just thinking about it.

Looking me dead in the eye, he shocked me with his words. “I can’t believe you let her go to Tyler all those years ago. You always loved her. Why did you stand by and let her marry him, then stay here even after he was gone?”

“Jesus, I wasn’t in a good place after Tyler died. She didn’t need me in her life. Then this last time? She begged me to trust her to be able to take care of herself.”

When he walked around the bed and extended his hand, I stood. Foregoing his hand, I wrapped my arms around him. “Fuck that, Christian. Regardless of how you feel about me, I miss you and I still love you, man. I’ve missed you like hell these past few years. Thank you for being here for her.”

“She’s my little sister, where else would I be? I just wish I’d known sooner. Maybe I could have prevented all of this.” He hung his head, then looked up to me with tired eyes. “And yeah, love you too, man.”

With a heavy heart, I watched him leave the room. After the door softly clicked, I returned my gaze to my little pixie.

The vision in front of me was still beautiful, even though her features were barely recognizable. She had more bandages on her body than a damn mummy. Both wrists were wrapped, as well as her upper arms. Her poor face. Thank God, they said none of her facial bones were broken. Soft tissue should heal; it would just take a while. According to Christian, the doc said she may have a few superficial scars, but most would be hidden. A visual reminder of her ordeal in the mirror every day would have made her emotional recovery even worse. I’d seen it with enough of my brothers over the years.

Pulling the chair up close to her bed, I held her hand and just talked to her. “Angel, I want you to know he won’t get away with this. I’m going to hunt him down and kill him like the animal he is. I promise you. Our baby will be avenged, and so will you. Or I’ll die trying.” Spilling all my fears and dreams, I kept talking to her, even though she slept like a princess.

After I had talked myself out, I stepped over by the window to make a few calls. Christian and I had a plan laid out, but I had some explaining to do. The one call I dreaded making was to Snow. Since I went off half-cocked and didn’t tell him what was up before I jetted out of town, he was going to be pissed that I didn’t fill him in.

“What the fuck, Joker? You just call me, leaving a message saying you’re on your way to Texas, but don’t say why? Then you go radio silent? How the fuck was I supposed to know if you were alive or dead?” Like I thought, Snow was a mad mo-fo.

“Prez, I’m sorry. My mind wasn’t right. It’s bad.” It took the better part of an hour to fill him in. By the time I finished, with a promise to keep him updated and his promise not to tell any of the brothers yet, it was almost midnight and I was about to drop.

Pulling out the little chair bed, I looked at it skeptically. Fuck it. I’d slept on worse. Scooting it over next to her bed, I reached my arm up so I could hold her hand. Taking in the damage to her battered body had my anger brewing and my heart dropping to my feet. Someone could have reached into my chest and ripped it out, as dead as I felt inside. Pushing the loss of my unborn child to the back of my head to process later, I closed my eyes. Damn, she didn’t deserve this.

With her tiny hand held in my own, my heart started beating again, just for her.

“Save Me”—Hinder

DAMN, I HATED WAKING up after pain meds. Everything always felt so heavy and my head was foggy. It was why I never took anything stronger than Tylenol since Ty was born. I was too afraid of not being clearheaded for him. Top off my muddled feeling with every part of my body being stiff, and I woke miserable. When I reached up to rub my eyes, I realized my left hand was held gently in a big hand. Following the hand to the arm and up to the face had my breath catching in my throat.

Smoky gray eyes watched me, unblinking. “Kayde? When did you get here?” When I dozed off last night, my brother was here, and he had told me I needed to find a way to get out of town for a while. Without stopping to think it through—and I blamed that a little on the pain meds and a little on knowing if I thought too much, I would chicken out and not call him—I had waited only until my brother went to get coffee and then called Kayde. He hadn’t answered, but I had left him a message explaining that something had happened and I needed his help. That was putting shit mildly, but I didn’t want to leave the whole sordid story in a voice mail message. I couldn’t put that on him.

So how had he gotten here so fast? And how had he known where to find me? Christian never would have called him.

My heart felt light and happy with him being so close. His presence just did that to me. Then everything came crashing down as my ordeal spun through my head on fast-forward. The memories of why I was there in that bed, IV tubing a maze and monitors beeping. Oh shit. Knowing I must look hideous, I tried to cover my face, but he held my hand firm without hurting me. Instead, I turned my body away and pushed my face in to my pillow.

Shame washed over me. I didn’t want him to see me like this.

“Don’t, baby. Please don’t hide from me.” Flinching, I screwed my eyes tightly shut when his free hand stroked my hair from my face with a featherlight touch. “Sera, look at me.”

“No. God, Kayde, don’t. You shouldn’t be here. I don’t even know what I was thinking, calling you. It was stupid.”

“Are you saying you expect me to walk away and leave you alone and hurting? Not happening. Sorry. I’m here, and that’s where I’m staying until you get sprung from this place. And I was already on my way down before you even called. Javier called me.” The sound of his voice was a soothing balm, but I didn’t want to get used to it.

“You hate hospitals. That’s what you told me. So feel free to go. I’ll be fine. Besides, dammit, I don’t want you seeing this. I don’t want you feeling sorry for me. Or worse, feeling disgusted by me.” God, why wouldn’t he listen and take the out I was giving him?

“Trust me, you’re right. Hospitals aren’t my favorite place, but this is where you are, so I’m not leaving until you do.”

God, he was so damn stubborn… and such a beautiful sight. But no, I wasn’t going to look at him. I was afraid if I did, I would give in and beg him to stay. It left me feeling so torn. Like I was playing tug-of-war with my own head, heart, and emotions. On one hand, I was so afraid and wanted to pull him close and let him protect me, have him deal with all my demons for me. On the other, I was ashamed and embarrassed and didn’t want him to see me for the weak, broken person I was. I was also deathly afraid of how his soft, caring eyes full of love would turn to hate, blame, and disgust when he found out the truth of what I had caused.

My voice was muffled in the pillow. “You were right. I was so stupid. I should have listened to you. Is that what you want to hear? That I did this to myself? Me. My own stubborn idiocy. The blame all lies at my own damn feet. You have no idea the extent of what I’ve done.” My voice broke at the jagged breaths that escaped. Keeping my face averted, I didn’t want to see the love on his face transform to hate when I told him.

It was a struggle to get the words out. “I swear, I didn’t know. I figured it was the stress of my life messing with me.” His hand gently lifted my head, then stroked my cheek until I opened my eyes and faced him.

“What are you even talking about, sweetheart? I don’t blame you for what happened. You didn’t make him do this to you. There is no blame to lay at your feet. This is all on that piece of shit, not you. Don’t let me hear you say anything like that.” His words were firm and still heavy with love. Love I didn’t deserve.

Burying my face in my hand, I started to cry the tears that just wouldn’t stay dammed up any longer. I heard him stand from the chair, and then I felt the bed dip on the side he sat on before he carefully leaned over me. Those beautiful lips of his brushed softly across my arm, then on my gowned chest. “Shhhh. Babe, I’m here. It may not seem like it, but everything is going to be okay. I promise. Please don’t cry.”

“No. No, it’s not. Nothing can ever make this right. I didn’t know though. I didn’t know. Oh God, Kayde. I…. He….” His arms wrapped around my hips, with his legs curled at the foot of the bed, as he gently laid his head on my belly. Sobs tore from me at the thought that he should have been like that talking to our child. If only I hadn’t been so foolish. My fingers threaded through his dark, spiky hair, holding him close to me, sucking comfort from him like a succubus. Despair driving me, I whispered, “I lost our baby.” The last came out in a mournful cry. I didn’t understand why this had to happen. That tiny little human was an innocent in all of this.

“Jesus, Sera, I know, baby. I know. I’m so fucking sorry.” Large hands framed my face, tenderly swiping at tears that just kept raging. “Don’t cry, baby. You kill me when you cry. Scoot over.” He nudged me to move over away from him, and once I did, he carefully lay next to me. Gathering my broken body and soul in his arms, he cradled me against him and laid my head against his beating heart.

“None of this is your fault. The only person I blame is the one responsible, and I promise you, he will pay. We have a lot to talk about, but you need to rest. I need you to worry about healing, and then we’ll talk.”

“No. I’m not tired. Please, just say what you have to say.” Hiccupping breaths shook my body. The sound of his heart thumping under his firm chest was like a hypnotic, calming beat, and I felt my tension easing. Snuggling into his warmth, I wanted to just feel him and not think about all the rest of this shit, but I wanted to know what he was thinking. He lost something precious too, and I knew it had to have hurt him. Oh God, what if he didn’t think it was his?

“This isn’t really the time to talk about some of the things I need to discuss with you, but you need to know our plan. I’m not sure what Christian has told you.” His chest rose with a full inhale. “They don’t know where he is. Last place they picked up his trail, it looked like he was headed into Mexico. So it’s possible he’s long gone, but he could be in the area. I’m taking you and Ty home with me. No arguments. But since we don’t know who we can trust, we need to sneak you out with as few people as possible knowing.” Ruffling my hair, his words were spoken over the top of my head before he kissed it. Terror gripped me at the thought of Lawrence coming for me while I lay helpless in a hospital bed. At the touch of Kayde’s lips to me, an inner peace spread and calm flowed through my veins.

Shaking my head and pressing my face into his chest, I listened to the plan they had come up with. “Are you guys crazy? I can’t. I have to work. I have bills. I need my job.”

His snort of disbelief proceeded his instructions. “Didn’t Christian tell you to call someone to stay with? You called me. You had to know I would come for you. I will help you with whatever you need help with. You’re in no condition to go back to work any time soon, and fuck your job. This is you and Ty’s lives we’re talking about. You’re not going to convince me to leave you behind this time. Not happening. You will be coming home with me.”

We lay there quietly for a while, until my nurse came in with my pain meds. Not really wanting to take them, I considered refusing them, but I was starting to hurt again, and I knew if I didn’t stay on top of things, it would get away from me. My shoulders were the worst, but my wrists were a close second. It wasn’t long before the meds kicked in and I was dozing off again.

When I woke, Kayde was finishing a call. “Hey, beautiful. The doc was just in here. He wanted you to call the nurse so she can get him in here to talk to you.”

I fished around in the covers for the call light. While I waited for her to come in, I ate the bland lunch the sweet, bubbly CNA had brought in and placed on my tray. It pretty much sucked, but I was hungry.

Angela, my day nurse, came in, asked me if I needed anything, took my vital signs, then told me she’d send the doctor in.

“Good afternoon, Ms. Healy. How are you feeling?” My doctor entered the room sounding so happy, I really wanted to punch him. God, why do I feel so violent?

“Okay, all things considered.” Shrugging out of habit had me wincing.

“Yeah, those shoulders will be sore for another day or so. How about your food? Keeping it down okay?”

“So far, yes. When can I go home?” I missed my son. I just wanted to hold him and feel like everything was going to be okay, like Kayde said.

“Well, let me ask a few more questions and take a look and listen to you, and then we can talk about that.”

Nodding, I pushed the tray away. Once he ran the gamut of assessments, to include palpating my uterus and checking to see how bad I was bleeding, he went to wash his hands. Jesus, that was embarrassing and painful. Painful physically and emotionally.

See, my mind and body remembered all those thing from before, only this time there was no tiny bundle of joy waiting for me to make all that crap worth it. The doctor obviously thought Kayde was my husband or something and didn’t ask if I wanted him to leave, which was embarrassing. As a nurse, I knew that was a huge faux pas on his part, but I wasn’t going to say anything.

“Okay. So everything looks good, all things considered. You’re going to be in some significant pain for a few days while your muscle and tissue damage heals. But there isn’t really anything we need to keep you for, unless you have worries or concerns. Your labs and scans all looked good, no internal bleeding noted. Kidney function appears normal—we were worried about that because it appeared you had some significant blows to the kidney areas.” Remembering those blows, I winced. “I’ll write you a script for the meds I would like you to take. We’ll talk to the officer to notify them you are being discharged, and we can get you out of here. You’ll need your stitches taken out of your wrists in about a week.” He explained everything to watch for, which I already knew; then he stood, shook Kayde’s hand, and called him “Mr. Healy.”

The doctor didn’t notice Kayde’s wince at that, but I did. To his credit, he didn’t say anything. “Okay, let me go get everything written up, and I’ll send the nurse in with your discharge instructions. Sound like a plan?” After I told him that was good, he moved to leave the room.

Kayde followed him and asked to speak with him for a moment. They stood just inside the closed door and spoke in low tones. The doctor glanced back at me briefly, then nodded. They shook hands again, and Kayde came back to me.

“Sorry about that.” My cheeks felt like they were on fire, so I knew they were probably flaming red in my embarrassment.

“Why? It’s not like I haven’t seen it before.” His wink had a small smile creeping out on my face as I pulled my bottom lip between my teeth.

“You’re too much. And I was referring to him thinking you were my husband.” Huffing out a large puff of air in frustration, I pulled up my big girl panties. “Okay, so when do we do this?” At that point, I just wanted to see Ty. Make sure he was hale and hearty. Hug him tight.

“As soon as we get your discharge paperwork. We’ll wait to get your prescriptions until after we have Ty. We need to move fast though. Just hang tight, and I’ll be back shortly with help.”

This is where I get to pretend I’m half-dead. Yay.

A tech or nurse came in with surgical gear, and when I started to ask if I could help him, I realized it was my brother. “What the fuck, Christian? What are you doing dressed like that?”

Chuckling, he gave me a goofy look. “It’s not a good look for me?” He planted his hand on his cocked hip.

“Oh dear Lord.” Laughing made me hurt, so I tried my best to hold it in.

Before he could answer my question, a female nurse dressed the same way entered my room pushing a gurney.

“We having a surgical party in here?” She smiled at my attempt at humor.

“Hi. I’m Candace. I work in the OR, and Javier asked if I could help get you out of here without anyone knowing you left. Umm, so Javier is my boyfriend. Sorry, I guess I should have said that first. Joker cleared all this with your doctor, but it’s unofficial, of course.” Her pretty cheeks blushed pink.

Christian explained we were going to pretend I was unconscious or sleeping, so no one could try to question or talk to me. I was going to get on the gurney, and Candace was going to make sure the officer outside the door was convinced I was going down to the OR for a procedure and that none of the nurses were watching so they could roll me out.

“Where’s Kayde?” He hadn’t returned yet, and I started to get nervous, worrying he wasn’t coming back.

My brother spoke up. “He’s already waiting out behind the hospital at the service entrance for you with the rental car. Here are the hospital scrubs we snagged you so you don’t have to drive around town looking all conspicuous in that sexy hospital gown.”

“Oh. Okay.” His attempt at humor was lost as I was starting to get nervous. When Kayde was close by, he grounded me and made me feel safe. Being gone, my nerves were already beginning to frazzle.

We got me set up, complete with one of those gauzy, puffy bonnets they always put on patients before surgery. Pulling the covers up to my chin to hide the scrubs, I prepared to go. Candace went out, spoke with the officer, and we were rolling down the hall as I lay there, eyes closed and trying to control the tremors that snaked up and down my body.

As soon as we got into the OR area, we went into a pre-surgery room. Christian helped me off the gurney and into a pair of my running shoes I usually kept in my locker just in case. I didn’t even want to know how he got them.

“You ready?” he asked.

“As I’ll ever be. Just remember, I’m still moving slow and I’m about a foot shorter than you, so don’t walk too fast, big brother.” He smiled and shook his head.

“Thank you for everything, Candace. I hope you don’t get in trouble for this.”

She pursed her lips and made a psshh sound.

“Honey, I’m not worried about it. What did I do, really? You’re discharged. All I did was help you get out of there. It’s not like I did anything illegal. Well, except for commandeering those scrubs for you, but no one saw me, so it’s all good.” Her smile was contagious and my own spread across my face. The swelling was pretty much gone, but the bruising was still really bad.

“Shit. What am I gonna do about the bruises?”

She quickly affixed a surgical mask over my nose, mouth, and chin. Then she pulled a tube of concealer from her pocket and dotted it around my eyes and nose.

“Good thing I’m vain and don’t leave home without it, right? Now y’all get moving.” She shooed us out, and Christian and I appeared to leisurely stroll down the hall, out the surgical doors, and then down the service elevators.

When we reached the service doors and exited into the cold winter air, I shivered. “Dang, I wish I had a jacket.”

“Sorry, sis, I didn’t think of that. But Kayde has the car warmed up.” We had stopped right behind a gray sedan. He motioned to where Kayde sat watching us in the rearview mirror of a nondescript rental car. “You take care of yourself and Ty. Kayde promised to keep you safe, and I know he’s good to his word, but hell, I’m going to miss you. I’m so damn sorry I wasn’t there for you more after Tyler.” Emotion seeped into his words, and he looked away. I wasn’t 100 percent sure, but I was pretty sure my brother was on the verge of crying.

Hugging him, I fought my own tears. “Don’t. It’s not your fault. Thank you for everything. I’ll miss you too. Love you, big brother.”

He loosened his arms and set me away from him. “You need to get moving. We’ve wasted too much time already. I love you too.”

I kissed his cheek and moved as quickly as my sore body would allow to the waiting car. Climbing in, I turned to wave at my brother, then buckled up and looked forward. “Let’s do this.”

“You got it, bella.” We pulled out and were soon merged into the crazy traffic.

My father and Marla had packed as many of Ty’s things as they could fit in a couple of bags, and also some of my own, tucking them in the trunk while the car was in the garage so if anyone was watching the house, they wouldn’t see anything suspicious. Then they drove off as if they were going out to dinner. We met at a diner on the edge of the North Loop, and my dad quickly transferred the bags to the trunk of the rental car.

“Momma!” Ty ran to me, but Kayde swooped him up before his solid little self could plow into me like he usually did. It was then that Ty realized Kayde was even there, as he’d only had eyes for me. “Kayde!” His happy chuckle proceeded his arms wrapping around Kayde’s neck.

Ty had already eaten with them, but they had ordered two burgers to go for me and Kayde. My dad handed me the bag with the containers in it as he hugged me.

“I love you, niña. You’re in good hands. Hopefully we’ll get all this straight and you’ll be home soon.”

Nodding, I couldn’t speak for fear of tears breaking loose. Marla took Ty to give him a last hug. Kayde then shook my dad’s hand.

“I’ll take good care of her, sir.”

My dad hugged Kayde. “Stop with the ‘sir’ stuff. You practically lived at my house growing up.” Kayde smiled and turned to help me in the car. Hell, I was moving slow. Marla already had Ty buckled in the back seat with his little booster seat.

After tearful goodbyes, we were on the road. I felt like I was in some crazy-ass suspense movie. Shit like this wasn’t supposed to happen in real life, was it? I mean, sure, I watched the news and I knew there were crooked people everywhere. I knew women got abused. I knew there were good guys who were everyday heroes, but I would’ve never believed someone if they said that would be my life.

Glancing over at Kayde as he drove in silence, I took in his strong, handsome profile. The man was truly beautiful. It made me wonder if he knew how women looked at him. Did he use it to his advantage? Despite talking to Ty and me every night, did he have other women? Did he have someone special? It wasn’t like I had given him any reason to stay true to me. Not once in our conversations had I told him how much I loved him. Mostly, because I didn’t want to give him false hope when we were so far apart. Also, because I was afraid if I caved and told him how I felt, it would give him the power to really hurt me.

Kane Brown’s “What Ifs” came on the radio and my heart ached. Was I letting too many what-ifs run my life? Anxiety shot through me at the thought of opening myself up to that hurt, but the yearning I felt for a life with Kayde crashed over me like waves in a turbulent ocean.

We’d been driving for hours when I heard, “Momma, I haffa pee.” Ty’s voice piped up from the back seat, and I looked back in time to see him drop his book, kick his stout little legs nervously, and look at me with mournfully worried eyes.

Before I could even ask Kayde to stop, he was switching lanes and exiting at the Buc-ee’s just outside of Temple. Parking up by the doors, he quickly got out of the car and unbuckled Ty before coming over to make sure I was able to get out okay. Sitting for so long had left me stiff, so I was glad for his helping hand to climb out of the low-riding car.

Instead of leaving me, he continued to talk to Ty to keep him preoccupied until we reached the bathrooms. Reluctantly letting my hand go before he entered the men’s side with Ty, he stopped to ask me, “You gonna be okay in there by yourself?” The concern etched on his face was sweet, but I had to laugh.

Bad idea. Laughter hurts.

“Umm, and if I wasn’t, were you going to come in with me?” Concern morphed to a comical naughty expression as he wiggled his eyebrows. “You better take Ty if you’re taking him, or he can come with me.”

“I got him, babe. You just go, and we’ll meet you back right here, okay? Don’t leave this doorway. Please?”

Standing on my tiptoes, I reached up carefully to kiss his cheek. Honestly, I really only had the intention of giving him a friendly peck for his concern. Firmly, but gently, his hand cupped the back of my neck and he redirected my head so my lips touched his. It wasn’t lascivious, it was chaste, but held so much promise it hurt my heart and left my body tingling.

“Here.” He pointed to the spot where we stood before he turned and walked into the men’s room with Ty, grinning.

Wow. That man did crazy things to me and I really loved it.

After I finished with my bathroom struggle, because yeah, it was harder than I thought it was going to be, I returned to the spot where he told me to wait. Busying myself looking at the pictures and decorations, I tried to ignore the strange looks I got. Wondering if it was because of the scrubs, the bruises, or the bandages, I decided I needed to get changed. I stuck out too much like this. It wasn’t long before the boys joined me.

“Hey, can I get the keys to get some clothes out of my bag in the car? I think I better change.” Pursing my lips, I raised my eyebrows at him.

“Aw shit, babe. I’m sorry. I didn’t even think about that. Let me go get it. On second thought, if you think you’ll be okay walking, I’d rather you stay with me.” Holding out his hand, he clasped mine in his, and we returned to the car. Moving as quickly as I could, I grabbed some leggings, socks, underwear, a T-shirt, and hoodie.

We went back in, I changed while he grabbed snacks and drinks, and then we were back on the road.

Driving well into the night, he finally pulled off into a hotel parking lot just inside of Oklahoma. Once we got Ty settled, we climbed into bed where Kayde spooned me with his large, warm body. The soft snores told me he was out as soon as his head hit the pillow. Smiling, I snuggled deeper into his body and drifted off to sleep.

My dreams were filled with Kayde and Ty hovering over a small baby boy. I didn’t know if that was from my inner hopes, the baby I lost, or a premonition of the future.

“Send the Pain Below”—Chevelle

THE TRIP NORTH WAS long and draining. Trying not to show her how nervous I was about being followed, I was constantly vigilant. What should have been a long but single day trip stretched into two because I didn’t want to overdo it with Sera.

Too many times, I found myself wishing we were a normal family on a normal family trip. Thinking about what Christian had said, I beat myself up for my stupid mistakes in the past, regretting all the lost years. If only I had talked to him back then. Then if I would have stayed after Tyler died, maybe she would’ve been spared all the shit with that fuckstick. There I went with the “if onlys” and “would’ves.”

Pushing all my worries back, I told myself we were young, and maybe we wouldn’t have lasted if we had gotten together then. And I truly was in a pretty bad place after Tyler was buried and gone. Could we have survived that? Would she have been able to handle being a military wife, dealing with me being gone all the time? Could this be how things were supposed to be? Not that there would ever be an answer to those questions. Maybe this was our second chance, or maybe this was fate’s way of saying this was supposed to be our first chance. Besides, I couldn’t live my life with “if only”; the therapist they assigned me before I got out of the Marines had told me that repeatedly.

It was around Ty’s bedtime on Saturday by the time we pulled up in front of my place. We’d had to detour by the airport in Des Moines so we could drop off the rental and get my Jeep. Ty had loved my beast; Sera had looked up at it with wide eyes and asked how the heck she was supposed to get up in it. No, it wasn’t that tall, but it did have a lift and I hadn’t gotten the new running boards on it yet, so for her tiny frame, it was quite a stretch. It hadn’t bothered me one bit to scoop her up and place her in the passenger seat, no matter how much she squawked.

I’d never been very self-conscious about anything in life. What the general people of society thought of me or my things didn’t matter diddly-shit. There was a first time for everything though. When I pulled my Jeep into my driveway, my heart started pounding, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t sweat a little—and with it being so close to Christmas, it was cold as a witch’s tit, so that was saying something.

On a whim, I’d bought the house when I moved to Grantsville. It was in the same neighborhood as Hacker’s, just a couple of blocks down. When I first moved there, I stayed in one of his spare rooms. One day I was leaving the neighborhood and went up the road to go around the block and saw the For Sale sign. The thought of paying rent didn’t sit well with me, so I called the number on the sign.

The price was crazy cheap, but I found out it was because it needed more than a little TLC. Like, a lot. Pretty much, I gutted the house, literally bringing it down to the studs inside. I’d been sleeping on an air mattress since the day I bought it.

Thankfully, the first room I finished was the guest bedroom. You know, just in case someone from my family came to stay—even though I never invited them. Sera or Ty would be able to use it since it had a single bed in it. Sometimes I slept on it, but not often because I was really too tall for it. Then there was a dresser in my room I had picked up at a garage sale. It had seen better days, but it worked for me.

I had barstools up to the breakfast bar, which was where I ate. There was no other furniture in there, and I was a little ashamed for Sera to see it. There was no one to impress before, and I didn’t think she would be coming up here any time soon. At least the house was finished, but still.

“You have a house? Like you own it?” Sera’s surprise kind of rankled. Hell, did I not seem responsible enough to own a house?

“Did you think I slept in a tent? And no, I stole it.” My sarcastically dry question was given with a smirk, and she rolled her eyes at me.

“Smart-ass. No, but I figured you had an apartment. That’s all.”

Laughing at her show of spirit, I ran my hand roughly through my hair. “Well, in all honesty, I do feel like I stole it, because I picked it up ridiculously cheap since I needed to gut it and remodel the entire house. On that note, I have a confession before I bring you in.” My nose scrunched up as I gave her a side-eyed glance. “I don’t exactly have any furniture. Well, other than a single bed, which you can have, and some barstools. I just haven’t gotten around to it. Maybe you wouldn’t mind going down to Johnson’s Furniture tomorrow and helping me pick some shit out?”

The look on her face said she was excited at the idea but was trying to play it cool.

“Oh, um, sure. Yeah, I could do that. But Kayde, I don’t want to take your bed.”

“Naw, it’s not my bed. It’s the guest bed. Only reason I have it is because Reaper’s old lady insisted I take it when she found out I didn’t have a bed. Problem is, it’s too small for me, but I didn’t have the heart to refuse poor Steph when she thought she was helping me out. I sleep on an air mattress. If my feet hang off, it’s no biggie. In that bed, there’s a headboard and footboard, so I’m pretty much stuck lying curled up.” Shrugging, I looked into her eyes, which appeared more green than gold that night. The swelling was pretty much gone, but her bruising was starting to look worse. They always seemed to get worse before they got better. “You ready to head in?”

“Sure.” Her beautiful smile lit up my Jeep.

Damn, there I go grinning like an idiot again, just because she did. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t excited to have her staying in my house. Now if I could just convince her to stay forever. But with everything she’d been through, I didn’t want her to feel pressured or trapped, so I’d have to take things slowly. And I certainly didn’t want her thinking I just wanted her for sex. After what she had endured, she may never want to have sex again. Fuck, that would hurt, but for her, I would be abstinent for the rest of my damn life if it meant she stayed. Making a promise to myself to keep my sexual attraction to her under control, I climbed out of the Jeep and unbuckled Ty from the back seat. It was obvious I hadn’t thought ahead to kids when I bought the Jeep, because it was quite a feat getting Ty out of there. Making a few mental notes, I grabbed his blanket from the seat.

“Okay, well, hang on and I’ll help you down. We need to get y’all some warmer clothes tomorrow.” Wrapping his little blanket around him, I rushed around the vehicle to help her down with one arm while Ty laid his head on my shoulder.

Letting her hold my arm, I walked her to the door. After opening it, I ushered her in. Pride swelled in my chest at the cathedral ceiling in the living room, the crown molding and baseboard throughout, the breakfast bar I’d built after opening the kitchen to the living room, and every other detail I had painstakingly redone in the house.

“Kayde, this is beautiful. You did all this?” After wandering into the kitchen and running the tips of her fingers along the subway tile I had installed between the lower and upper cabinets, she looked at me like she was impressed. Hell, if I didn’t feel like a prepubescent boy when my face got hot, and I knew I must be blushing.

“Uhm, yeah. Pretty much.” Pressing my lips in a line, I nodded as I looked at my work instead of in her eyes.

Ty started to wiggle, signifying his need to get down and stretch his legs after being cooped up in the vehicle for so long. As soon as he was down, he ran in circles before tearing into the kitchen.

“Hey, buddy, you need to calm down, okay? We’re in Mr. Kayde’s house.” She looked down at her son and ruffled his hair. “You need to go potty?”

“Potty!”

When she raised her jewel-like eyes to mine in question, I pointed down the hall that led to the bedrooms.

“First door on the left. If you want to give him a bath, there are towels in the tall cabinet.”

With a nod, she walked with Ty as he jabbered nonstop the entire way there. Her gasp at the bathroom made me smile with the knowledge that she liked it too.

While they were in the bathroom, I went back out to grab our bags. Setting hers and Ty’s in the guest bedroom, I dropped mine inside my bedroom door, then stopped in the doorway of the bathroom. The water was running, and Ty was leaning over to splash it around.

“Ty! No splashing!” She moved to contain the little whirlwind.

Watching her move slowly, I asked if she wanted me to bathe him. At my words, she jumped and her face drained of color. “Sorry, you startled me. And no, thank you, Kayde. I want to. I’ve missed this.” The flash of sorrow on her face had me stepping toward her. Enveloping her in my arms, I stroked her back with a light touch. The last thing I wanted to do was cause her any more pain than she’d already experienced.

“Do you need one of your pain pills? The doctor said to stay on top of it, and I know you’re getting close.”

Breaking away to shut off the water, she moved on to undressing the little munchkin trying to climb into the bath fully clothed. “It’s okay, I’ll take it after I put him to bed. They make me so tired. I don’t want to take it until I’m done.”

“Sera, I can help you with him. I really don’t mind, and I don’t want you to overdo it.”

“It’s okay, really.” Ty piped up at that time asking for his boats. “No, baby. Not tonight. We need to get you cleaned up and into bed. It’s getting late, and we have lots to do tomorrow. Maybe we can find you another boat tomorrow?” Initially, I thought he was going to cry when she said no, but then his eyes lit up at the mention of a new boat. “Would you mind too much getting me his PJ’s and lotion, Kayde?”

“Yeah, I got it.” Feeling like I was finally doing something useful to help her, I started digging through his bags. Pulling out a pair of Spiderman tops and bottoms, I dug around for some of his little underoos, smiling when I uncovered a pair of Spiderman underwear that would totally match the PJ’s. I brought my finds to the bathroom and set them on the counter.

The water was draining, and Sera had Ty wrapped in a fluffy gray towel as she briskly dried him. His eyes looked so tired, but he still got excited when he saw what I brought. “Spiduh-man!” This little guy warmed my heart with his innocence. If only he could stay untainted by the world’s shit forever.

First, she lathered him up in the relaxing-smelling lotion—I thought it said lavender something or other. When she turned to grab the PJ’s, I handed her first the underwear, which he stepped into one leg at a time while holding her shoulder. Her wince made me want to step in and take over, but I remembered what she said about wanting to do all this herself.

After he was dressed, I did lift him and carry him to the spare bedroom, where I pretended to drop him from high above the bed, then dropped him from about a foot so he bounced slightly, letting loose with his contagious giggle. As I swept the covers from under him, he continued to laugh until I knelt by the bed and covered him with the blankets.

Sera was digging through his little backpack and pulled out a book before she brought it over to the bed. Sitting on the edge, she prepared to read to him. He surprised us both when he burst out, “Kayde wead it to me!” Looking to her for approval, my heart raced in anticipation that she would allow this of me. I knew it was a special moment between them each night. Though she was trying to hide it, a small smile crept out and she handed me the book.

By the time I finished the book about a little blue train who saved the day, he was fighting to keep his little eyes open. Without thinking, I ran my hand through his dark waves, wishing again that he was mine. “Good night, little buddy.” My thigh cramped slightly as I stood, and I admitted I was ready for bed, but we needed to iron some things out.

“Sera, I’ll be in the kitchen when you’re done. If you don’t mind, I wanted to go over a few things with you.”

Nodding, she returned to her good-night ritual with her son. The possessive beast in me wanted to scream, “My family,” but I shoved him down, putting a lid on his disgruntlement.

Fidgeting around in the kitchen, an undeniable craving for a cigarette overtook me, so I stepped out on the back deck. As I lit up, I realized I hadn’t hardly smoked all day, mostly because I don’t smoke in my Jeep, but also because it felt wrong lighting up in front of Ty.

Blowing the trail of smoke out into the frigid night air, I looked at the hated white cylinder. Of course, it didn’t stop me from finishing it, then stubbing it out in the small pile of snow at the corner of the deck before dropping it in the old coffee can I had sitting by the back door. Lost in thought, I breathed out the last bit of smoke, then breathed in the crisp, cold night.

Stepping in through the french doors, I stopped to stare at the small woman perched on a barstool with her face buried in her hands. Without uncovering her face, she spoke. “You really should quit those, you know. They’ll kill you one of these days.”

Smiling at the nurse coming out in her, I washed and dried my hands, then walked over behind her, where I spun her stool slowly until she faced me. She tipped her face up to me, and her lips curved up slightly at the corners in a sad smile.

“Trust me, I’ve tried numerous times. But with you here, it might be the motivation I need to quit. We’ll see.”

“Why don’t you have a Christmas tree up?”

Chuckling, I shook my head at her change in subject. “For what? It’s just me. What’s the point?”

“Hmm. I guess that makes sense. Not that it matters now, but I was planning to come up and surprise you for Christmas. Looking back, maybe it wasn’t my best thought-out plan. I mean, what if you were seeing someone? That might have been awkward and not fair to you.” The dejected look on her face had me tipping her face up by the chin.

“There was never anyone for me but you, Sera. I mean, yeah, I’ve not been a saint, but I don’t think I’ve had a girlfriend. Ever.” There had been a girl when I got to my first duty station. We’d met at a bar, hooked up, and went out a few times. She was pretty enough and sweet, but it didn’t feel right, not with the knowledge we were given as soon as we got there that we would be deploying within months of our arrival. Then there was the simple fact that she wasn’t Sera, so I cut her off.

It was always like that. Any time I was with another girl, I felt like I was cheating on Sera, even when I was trying to act like I wasn’t bothered by her and Tyler being together, and I was hooking up with a different chick every week. “And if you want a tree, we’ll get a tree tomorrow. Besides, Ty should have one.”

“Oh, Kayde. After everything… why are you so good to me? And to Ty. I definitely don’t deserve you.” Her eyes closed, and I realized I was leaning closer to her, lips parted to invade her mouth that called to me, begging to be kissed. Shit. Stepping back, I cleared my throat and reached up to rub the back of my neck.

“If you want the air mattress, I’ll sleep out here on the floor.” A crestfallen expression flitted briefly across her face before she gave a smile that didn’t reach her eyes.

“No, I’ll sleep with Ty in case he wakes up and is afraid. I’ll see you in the morning.” Without another word, she got up from the stool and walked to the guest room, quietly closing the door.

Dammit, that wasn’t how I wanted tonight to go. For one, I’d hoped to talk to her about the plan going forward; for another, I’d hoped she would ask to sleep with me. Just sleep. Maybe I should have just acted like I assumed she would sleep with me? Damn, I hoped I didn’t just fuck up again. Something told me she just didn’t feel the same way about me as I did for her though. Sure, she loved me, but that was about the extent of it. It was doubtful she was in love with me. Jesus, I felt like a freaking sap.

I’d always been a hardened motherfucker. Nothing bothered me because I’d pretty much left my heart behind in San Antonio when I joined the Marine Corps. With Sera back in my life, I was a fucking bag of nerves and felt like a puppy following her around, hoping for just a scrap of her attention. It was damn ridiculous.

Debating whether I should go after her and just clear up my doubts, I stood there with my hands linked around my neck. Deciding it was best to just leave it be for now and get some sleep, I shut off all the lights, checked all the doors were locked, took a last look out the windows ensuring everything looked kosher, and went to my room. My quiet, lonely room.

Pulling my pistol from the concealed holster at the back of my jeans, I checked the magazine, cleared the chamber, and set it on the dresser next to the air mattress. Thinking better of it, now that there was a Curious George in the house, I placed it in the top drawer under my socks and boxers. I’d hated leaving it in my Jeep when I went to Texas, even locked in the glove compartment, but apparently airlines frowned on people carrying guns on planes. Shocking, I know.

Dropping my clothes where I stood, I took one last longing glance at the door, trying to telepathically call Sera to me. Stupid. Flopping down on the mattress, I stared at the ceiling fan slowly spinning. Lost in thought, I just lay there. Breathing in and out.

Until I woke up in a cold sweat and shaking, I didn’t even remember falling asleep. The dream had been vivid that time. It sucked. Sometimes I woke and didn’t remember the details, just that it had my heart and adrenaline racing. Other times, like then, I remembered every fucking detail.

Erik’s blood running hot and thick through my fingers as I tried to stop his arterial bleed. The burning pain in my upper thigh as a bullet pierced the flesh. Except in this dream, Erik’s face slowly morphed to Tyler’s, and he was begging me to take care of Sera. I kept telling him to hold on, that help was coming, even as I felt my consciousness slipping, black dots swimming in my vision.

When his hand grabbed my wrist and he demanded my promise to love her and keep her safe, my shock sent me reeling. Telling him he was crazy and that we were only ever friends, he shook his head with a smirk. Then he whispered that he was sorry that he stole her, even though he knew I loved her. His request for forgiveness was the last thing he said before he coughed and blood splattered from his mouth.

Jolting awake, I felt like I was suffocating. Trying to catch my breath, I checked the time on my phone. Shit, it was only three thirty in the morning. Knowing I wouldn’t be getting back to sleep, I pulled on some sleeping pants, grabbed my pistol from the drawer, and shuffled out to the kitchen. Using the light over the stove to see, I made a pot of coffee. My hands were shaking like a motherfucker.

Glancing over my shoulder to check down the hall, I reached up in the cupboard by the stove and brought down the mason jar I kept stashed up there. Pulling a joint out of the small baggie shoved in there with all the other crap, I then fished a lighter out of the end drawer.

It was cold out, but I barely felt the chill as I dropped into the cheap plastic chair on the deck, set my pistol in my lap, and lit the end. Closing my eyes, I inhaled deeply and held the potent smoke in my lungs. Coughing slightly as I exhaled, I felt my heart rate slow, and the shaking began to subside. It worked that quickly for me. Fucking VA. If only they’d approve marijuana for medicinal use, PTSD would be a hell of a lot more manageable, but try telling that to them.

People wanted to argue it was a gateway drug, which was bullshit. I’d never had the desire to use anything else in my life. What for? What I used worked. The people who wanted to say it led to them using other things probably had addictive personalities to begin with. Hell, to my knowledge, my parents never progressed past weed either. Of course, I wouldn’t really know since I hadn’t heard from them in years. I knew they were still alive because my uncle Gunnar talked to my mother periodically. She could call her brother but not her fucking son.

As I sat smoking, I made a mental note to call Snow in a bit. He was usually an early riser, so I shouldn’t have to wait too long. I would thank him for keeping everything between the two of us, and bounce some ideas off him. Not that I didn’t trust my brothers, but I wanted as few people as possible to know Sera and Ty were here. Hacker had too much on his damn plate right now, so I wouldn’t even tell him.

Taking another hit off the quickly dwindling joint, I gazed around the backyard, checking for anything out of the ordinary. After sitting there in the quiet for a few minutes, I stubbed out the last of it, leaving the roach, which I brought in and flushed. No need to leave evidence on my back porch since it was still illegal here, right?

Pouring another cup of coffee, I sipped the black brew and scrolled through the news on my phone. Nothing exciting.

It was probably late enough, so I dialed Snow and waited for him to answer.

“Joker. Everything okay?” Snow wasted no time on small talk.

“Yeah, Prez. Just wanted you to know I’m back.” Filling him in on what had transpired, I also thanked him for keeping everything on the down low.

“Not a problem. So, is she staying or is this temporary?” Leave it to Snow to cut to the chase and the bone.

“Shit, I don’t know. I’m hoping she’ll stay, but I guess time will tell.”

“Think she can handle club life?”

Honestly, I didn’t know. I’d like to think she was tough and could handle anything, but after what she’d just been through, who the hell knew.

“Of course. She’s tough.”

“Okay, because we don’t need a repeat of Hollywood’s situation. I love that girl, but sometimes I’d still like to kick her ass for putting herself, and in turn the club, on the line.” He was referring to when Becca had tripped out, thinking Hollywood was messing around on her because he was pulling security at the strip club we owned. Of course, it was partially his fault because he didn’t want to tell her where he was pulling duty because it was club business. It would have been okay for him to tell her they’d had some issues and the members were taking turns as extra security, without giving details. But who was I to judge?

“I hear you, Prez. But I need to tell you, if that asshole shows his face up here, he’s dead. I will not think twice. I just wanted you to know. I’m not saying I’ll be stupid about it, but if he shows up, he won’t be leaving the area unless it’s in a body bag.” Just thinking about it was starting to piss me off. I knew it was time to change the subject.

“Son, all I ask is that you use some common sense and keep me in the loop. Don’t do anything to jeopardize yourself or the club. While we have a good relationship with the cops around here, we don’t need a spotlight on us, if you know what I’m saying.” It cracked me up that he referred to me as “son” when he was only in his late thirties to early forties.

“Roger that, Prez. I’m totally tracking.” We spoke a little longer before he ended the call and said he’d see me Monday. By the time I hung up, the sun was just starting to shine through the windows.

The door to the guest room opened quietly before I heard soft footsteps on the wood floor. “Mmmm, do I smell coffee?”

My eyes raised to see Sera walking into the kitchen. Still a sight for sore eyes, even bruised all to hell, my heart thumped in my chest. It took every bit of restraint I had not to touch her. So badly, I wanted to push her against the counter, drop her little pink sleep shorts, and fuck her through the wall.

Goddamn, I need to get a grip! I was losing my ever-loving mind. She wasn’t anywhere near up for that, and I’d likely traumatize her for life if I did.

“Uh, yeah, it’s not super fresh, but help yourself. I’m going to get dressed. Whenever y’all are ready, let me know and we’ll head out to the furniture store. Well, first to grab some warmer clothes for you and Ty.” I couldn’t get away from her fast enough. The X-rated thoughts in my head were on the verge of making my sleeping pants tent embarrassingly prominent.

Jesus effing Christ, how was I going to survive having her living in my house and not being able to touch her? This had to be the worst form of torture imaginable.

“Get to You”—Michael Ray

THE FURNITURE STORE WAS closed on Sundays, so we headed over to the next bigger town, I guess. It still didn’t seem very big to me. This area of the world was small. It was hard to wrap my head around Kayde moving from a place as big as San Antonio to this tiny corner of the world.

We went to a chain store, and I’m not gonna lie, I was like a dang kid in a candy store. It was tough to reel in my tastes and things I would want and just get a few necessities. Kayde insisted he didn’t care and to get whatever I felt he needed. We found a couch and love seat set that we both loved. It had power recliners built in and a cubby for a TV remote or whatever else you wanted to shove in it. He got a big-ass man TV, a dining room table, and tables for the living room.

Then he said he needed to get a bed.

Oh sweet baby Jesus, that conjured up images best left in my head. All it took was for him to say “bed” and I was imagining him naked and me doing very bad things with him on said bed. My face had to be flaming as bright as Dorothy’s ruby red slippers.

Despite my ordeal with Lawrence and the savagery he subjected me to, I still wanted Kayde something fierce. Obviously, he didn’t feel the same way though, and it made me feel dirty and ruined. Despair swirled through my heart, circulating through my body at the painful realization that I disgusted him now. Wrapping my arms around myself, I watched as Kayde laid on several different mattresses with Ty. Each time, he’d look over at Ty, asking him what he thought. Ty, in his young mind, thought they were all perfect.

Watching the two of them interact was so sweet, and it made me realize, once again, how much Ty had lost out on by losing his father. Having a father figure was something he was soaking up like a little sponge. There were little things Kayde did that Ty imitated, whether consciously or by rote.

Kayde’s hair was always in a sexy, haphazard mess because he had a habit of running his hands through it when he was angry, nervous, or thinking. Ty had begun to randomly run his hands through his own dark locks, leaving them a hot mess.

Then he chewed on his lip. I’d noticed it was more prevalent when he was trying not to smoke, so I guessed it may have been from when he was on duty and couldn’t smoke. Then again, I had no idea how long he’d been smoking, because he didn’t when we were young. That was something I really wished he could quit, because the nurse in me went crazy every time I saw him light up.

That got me thinking about how much we had changed from those young idealistic kids we once were. He and I had been friends for over fourteen years before he left. Then, outside of when we had that one amazing experience when Tyler died, we pretty much went our separate ways for eight years. People could evolve a lot over eight years, and we had. Though I had been dealt a really shitty hand, I got Ty out of the whole thing, and if we could get past this, maybe I would get Kayde.

Shit, I didn’t mean to allow myself to think that way. It was like a tug-of-war within myself. Wavering back and forth from wanting him and wanting to allow myself to open my heart to him, then feeling unworthy and distrustful. When I thought I had come to terms with the hurricane that was my life, and feeling I could move on, it was like my subconscious self said, “Nope! Just kidding, you can’t have him because he’ll just leave you as soon as he knows you love him.”

Then there was that inner voice telling me that there was no way he would want to be with me now that I was soiled and fucked up. I mean, really, what guy wanted to be intimate with someone who has been raped? Used and abused by another man?

If I sounded like I was all over the place with my emotions, it’s because I was. Sometimes I felt like I had no idea which way was up. Like life was tossing me about willy-nilly and I was spinning and swirling in an endless vortex. Sometimes I hated myself; others I was content in my skin.

And the nightmares. Oh my God.

It was like reliving that shit every damn night. The first night I slept like a log because I was so exhausted. The next few nights were awful.

The furniture was delivered early in the week, and it had included a full-size bed for the third bedroom. It was a total surprise, because I hadn’t realized he ordered it, which was another big clue that he didn’t want me in his bed. What a kick in the gut. It was becoming more and more clear that he no longer felt the same way about me as he had before when he told me he loved me and wanted me to move up here with him.

My first night in the bed, I woke soaked to the skin with sweat, heart thundering, and shaking like a damn leaf. It was so bad, I had to change the sheets. Disgusting.

Each day, he left for his shop and we were left at home. We had talked about not having me out and about too much in case Lawrence had tracked us here, but I was going stir-crazy in this house, no matter how beautiful it was.

Being financially dependent on him sucked too. My brother had helped me close out my account, so it wasn’t like I didn’t have money, but without knowing when I would be able to go back to work, I had to be frugal with it.

If I was honest, I was more than a little miserable. It seemed we hardly saw Kayde anymore. He was always gone, either working or doing stuff with the club. Several nights he had to work late doing extra security at an exotic dance club they owned. Part of me was eaten up with jealousy at the thought of him watching strippers, but then it wasn’t like we were in a relationship, so I had to tamp that shit down with a quickness.

One night he didn’t come home at all. That had me climbing the wall. Yes, he had texted me to let me know he was staying at the clubhouse because he was exhausted after working all day and then pulling security, so he was going to crash in his room at their clubhouse. Not being familiar with motorcycle clubs, in my mind I pictured a treehouse or the Mickey Mouse clubhouse, and it seemed weird that a bunch of grown men would have one. Anyway, the worries were there, wondering what he was doing. Was there a woman with him? Did he just not want to be around me at all?

It made me want to leave. Not that I could, and I understood that. But I had begun to pray that they found Lawrence so I could go home and end this purgatory-like existence.

Christmas was in a few days, and I hadn’t been able to go out and get gifts. We had gotten a tree that first day, and Ty and I decorated it. Kayde had brought home several gifts, already wrapped, and set them under the tree. One was labeled for me; the rest were for Ty. But I wanted to get some gifts for Ty, and I still needed to get his gifts from Santa. And I really wanted to get a gift for Kayde.

Reaching a decision, I pulled out my phone and opened the Uber app. Holy shit, this podunk area actually has Uber. Requesting a car to take me to Spirit Lake, which seemed the best option for shopping possibilities, I put Ty’s shoes on and zipped him into his cool little winter coat Kayde had insisted on getting him. It was an actual leather jacket with a zip-out quilted liner. For a three-year-old kid, it was insane, but cute as all get-out. It was a miniature of the one Kayde wore. It was more than cute; it was a-fricking-dorable.

The Uber was driven by a sweet older lady who talked my ear off the whole way, while Ty sat quietly playing on my phone. Thankfully, she had recommendations of where I could get what I wanted, because I had no idea where I was going. Mabel, that was her name, even waited for me without charging me.

Kayde’s gift would be ready later today. It had cost me extra to have it rushed, but it was worth it. Next, we hit Wally World where I was able to sneak gifts in the cart, hidden under my coat, while Ty played on the phone again. People could say what they will, phones made great babysitters if they were used for short periods of time and safely. To use as a distraction to buy gifts right under his pert little nose, it worked great. I would never leave him unattended with it.

Some things for dinner completed my shopping experience. Mabel was still waiting when I exited the front doors and was more than happy to bring me home, stopping by to pick up Kayde’s gift on the way.

When she dropped us off at the front door, even helping me carry my bags in, I gave her a generous cash tip. Maybe this small-town living wasn’t so bad. People were much more personable than in San Antonio, where there were so many people, you just got lost in the crowd.

Ty was tired and getting cranky by that time, so I put him down for a nap, set up dinner in the slow cooker, then settled in at the new table to wrap my gifts. Shoving them under the tree, I realized I may have gone a little overboard. Oops. Last, I put the Santa gifts on the top shelf of the entryway closet, hidden in a black trash bag.

Feeling quite pleased with the results from my day, I was just congratulating myself on getting all of it done before Kayde came home, when I heard the voice that made my belly flutter.

“What in the holy hell happened in here?” He came in looking like pure sex on a stick in his motorcycle boots, distressed jeans, black T-shirt, and leather jacket. Peering at him with wide eyes and pursed lips, I then glanced around and realized it looked like Santa’s workshop exploded. There were bits of paper all over every surface, rolls of wrapping paper unrolling across the floor, and empty plastic shopping bags spilling out of the trash can. There was even a string of curling ribbon hanging from the dining room light fixture. I honestly had no idea how that happened.

“Oh! I’m cleaning it up, I swear! I didn’t expect you home so early.” Guilt at making such a mess in his beautiful home washed over me. Scrambling to gather up the bits of paper and ribbon scraps, I had just stood back up when I felt his massive hand wrap gently around my arm. It was sweet that he was so slow and gentle when he did deign himself to touch me.

“Sera.” His brow furrowed in consternation. “Where did all of this come from?”

“Oh! Well, I went out. I needed to finish Christmas shopping.”

“You what? Sera, I specifically told you not to leave the house. What if he was out there and saw you? Or someone working for or with him? We talked about this.”

“I can’t sit in your house twenty-four seven, Kayde. I was going crazy staring at the walls in here. I’m not used to just sitting around doing nothing. I’ve washed all the laundry, cleaned the house, and I’ve watched so much PJ Masks, I may have to have my head read. I was careful”—I really wasn’t and felt guilty because I hadn’t thought once about who could have followed me—“so there’s nothing to worry about.” That, I really did believe, because I knew it was highly unlikely Lawrence was still in the country, let alone able to find me all the way up here.

“All you had to do was tell me, and I would have taken you.”

“Really? When? Because you’re never here anymore.” He had the nerve to look guilty. It was quite evident he’d been avoiding me. “I might as well get a job and get my own place here if I’m just going to sit by myself all of the time. If we’re cramping your style, I wish you’d just say so.” The last came out a little childish and belligerent, but I was pissed and being irrational.

Dropping my arm like it was a hot potato, he did the hair thing, leaving it looking just-fucked sexy. Damn him. Why was he making me want him even when I was pissed at him?

“That’s not true. I’ve just had a lot of stuff I’ve been taking care of.” His voice didn’t ring true, and I was pretty sure it translated to “I’ve been doing lots of stuff to keep me away from you.”

“I’m really sorry, sweetheart. I didn’t mean to make you feel abandoned. Honest. I’ve had a lot of clients I had to squeeze in from when I left to get you. Not that it’s your fault, I’m just trying to get caught up.” In typical man fashion, he paused and sniffed the air. “Something smells good. You cooking something?”

Preening that he thought my cooking smelled good, I couldn’t help but let a slight smile slip. “Yeah, I made stew. I thought it would be nice for you to have something when you got home, and since I didn’t know when that would be, I thought stew would hold over well.”

The pitter-patter of pint-sized feet on hardwood floors preceded Ty’s excited realization that his new favorite person was home. I wasn’t the only one missing Kayde. Ty asked where he was no less than ten times a day. More often than not, he was sleeping by the time his large hero returned home.

To his credit, Kayde scooped Ty up in the air. That’s when I saw he was dressed only in his T-shirt and Superman underwear. “Ty! Where are your pants?”

“I taked them off!” Oh dear Lord. At least he left his underwear on.

After getting him to the potty, Kayde brought him out, with pants, and set him at the table where I had dished up bowls for all of us. We ate in relative silence, broken by Ty’s occasional chatter.

By the time I headed to bed, we still hadn’t really talked anymore. Thankfully, he either didn’t want to talk, or he knew I wanted to be mad for a while. Lying in bed, I stared at the wall, tears running down my face. How could he not know I just needed him to hold me? We’d slept in the same bed on the trip up and I’d slept like a baby, spooned close to him. There didn’t seem to be a problem then, but now I was suddenly a leper.

The only conclusion I kept circling back to was that he must have someone here, despite telling me he didn’t. I just didn’t know what else it could be, unless he was completely and totally repulsed by me, but felt sorry for me on the road.

I’d inspected myself carefully when I showered this morning and all my bruises were gone, with the exception of a few barely visible spots on my back. Outwardly, there was nothing the average person would notice different about me. Inside, I felt very different, but I looked the same. Mostly.

Dozing off, I kept thinking about Kayde with someone else. Though I tried to tell myself Kayde wasn’t the type to shit on me like that, I kept imagining him treating another woman the way he’d treated me, and my stomach roiled.

“Tangled Up In You”—Staind

SHOOTING TO A SITTING position, eyes wide, I tried to ascertain what had awakened me from what was one of the better nights of sleep that I’d had in a while. That’s when I heard what sounded like the mournful whine of something unearthly. What the fuck?

Pulling on my sleeping pants without bothering to tie them, I grabbed my pistol and stepped out into the hallway. Moving with years of stealth, I stuck my head cautiously in each room I passed. When I reached the last room, Sera’s, I listened at the door. Definitely didn’t imagine it; the sound came from her room.

Quietly opening the door, I saw her tangled in the sheets, moonlight bathing the bed. Suddenly, she thrashed, whimpering as she cried out. Talk about gutting a person. The terror and pain in those sounds was enough to turn a person’s stomach, knowing there had to have been something horrific they experienced to cause that. She’d gotten herself wrapped up like a mummy, and the tighter the sheets got, the more she seemed to panic.

Rushing over to the bed, I set the pistol on the bedside table and worked to extract her. It was like trying to bathe a cat, she fought so much. Emitting soothing sounds, I worked as quickly as I could to get her free. As soon as her arms were loose, her hands clutched tight to my shoulders. Climbing on the bed, I leaned against the headboard. Sobs erupted from her in spasmodic bursts, and I lifted her to sit across my lap.

Rocking her like I would a young child, I spoke soft nonsensical words in an effort to de-escalate her fear. This was something I understood well. The difficulty in pulling oneself from a night terror was real and could be monumental. The lines between reality and the horrid imaginings of the mind were blurred to the point where it was impossible to differentiate between the two. It was awful when it happened to me, worse to know she was suffering from this shit too.

Remembering Hollywood saying something about the therapist Becca saw after her ordeal, I made a mental note to get the contact information from him. This wasn’t something that was going to go away on its own, and with her being a nurse, she wouldn’t be able to use the same coping mechanism I did.

Goddammit, I really wanted to skin that bastard alive.

As her sobs lessened to sporadic hiccups, I kissed the top of her hair. The scent of her sweet shampoo threaded through my senses and my self-control began to melt. This was the exact reason I had done my damnedest to stay away from her. My willpower where she was concerned sucked. She invaded me on a cellular level. She was straight heroin to my veins.

“Shh, I’m here. It’s okay. I’m here. You good, baby? You scared the shit out of me, and it fucking eviscerates me to see you like this.” She had yet to say a word, just quietly recovering from the violent weeping. Slender hands smoothed across my chest and down my abs. Trying like hell to contain it, but failing miserably, a groan escaped me at her touch. The lower her hands moved, the harder it was to behave. When those fingers slipped under the edge of my pants, I grabbed her wrist in a vise-like grip.

“Don’t, Sera. You don’t know what you’re doing. Understand my control is tenuous, and this would be wrong.”

Her gasp of surprise before she raised wounded eyes to mine echoed in the moonlit room. She tried to jerk back and away from my hold, but I wasn’t having it.

“Let me go! If you don’t want me, just… please let me go. I can’t handle this anymore. I don’t need you to coddle me, or protect me, so don’t feel like you have to be a martyr and babysit me for my brother’s sake. No one else knows I’m here, so I’ll be fine on my own. I know you can’t stand me anymore.” She struggled to pull free, but I held her in a loose but firm grip.

“Stop it!” I whisper-yelled at her. “What the fuck are you talking about? Who told you that?”

“No one had to tell me that. It’s evident in your every action. You can barely stand to be in the same room with me, let alone touch me. You don’t need to force yourself to hold me when I know you’d rather not. Please just leave me alone.” Silent tears ran rampant down her cheeks, and the heart I thought was nonexistent cracked.

“No. Goddammit, Sera. I’m not sure where you got these ideas in your head, but I am still your friend. I don’t hate you.” The sobs returned. Holy shit. What the hell did I say, now? “Aw,” I groaned out, “don’t cry again, baby. Please. You’re killing me.”

“You’re just my friend,” she drew out in a cry. Fuck, if I wasn’t out of my league. My experience dealing with this kind of shit was pretty minimal. When she cried as a kid it broke my heart, but she was easy to distract and then it was over. The grown woman in my arms, who was still making my motherfucking dick hard, was a totally different story. The only thing I could think to do was… well….

With both hands cradling her face, I lifted her head… and I kissed her. On my grandmother’s grave, and that meant something right there, I only meant to press my lips to hers to get her attention, show her I cared, calm her down. That was it. My body had different ideas, because as soon as our lips touched, sparks of sensation and heat shot straight to my damn junk, causing it to become extremely uncomfortable with her sitting sideways like she was. When I tried to adjust myself to allow for some relief, all it succeeded in doing was grinding her ass into my traitorous cock. My dick and I had a real love/hate relationship.

The deep moan that broke free as she deepened the kiss accompanied her pressing her perfect tits into my chest. With the only thing separating those dusky nipples from me being her shirt, I was going insane. It was so much damn stimulation, I was about to do something I hadn’t done since the first time I had sex, or tried to have sex—unfortunately I finished before I even got started. It was pretty damn embarrassing. So to prevent a repeat performance of that horribly fateful day, I slid down in the bed and pulled her close to me with one leg tucked between hers. Much as I had when I’d found her in the hospital, I rested my chin on top of her head. Sliding my rough-skinned hands up under the back of her sleep shirt, I reveled in the silken-smooth skin along her spine.

I’d rolled her over to provide relief for my throbbing cock, but by doing so, it pressed my chest harder into hers because we were still intertwined. Oh fucking fuck.

This was bad. So very, very bad, because it was like a snowball rolling downhill. Not only couldn’t I stop it, but it kept getting bigger and bigger as the seconds ticked by—no, not my cock, but actually yeah, that too. And how did my hand end up smoothing down her thigh to crook under her knee and hook her leg, opening her legs farther so I could settle my thick cock in the soft cushion of her swollen pussy?

“Ohhhh, gawwwwwdddd,” I muttered into her neck, where my face was then nuzzled. It was impossible not to feel the heat of her pussy through both thin layers of fabric.

Kill. Me. Now.

Every fiber of my being wanted to be in her so deep she absorbed me. I’d worked so fucking hard to avoid that happening, but hell if I could think of a good damn reason at that moment.

After she wrapped her leg around my thigh of her own accord, I let loose of it and my hand snaked up under her shirt, skimming her ribs, causing her to suck in a gasp of air. Then her firm, full tit was cupped in my hand. Rolling her nipple between my thumb and middle finger, I felt it peak and harden. Her heated core thrust up to grind into my cock, and I pressed into her at the same time.

We were officially dry humping like fricking teenage kids. Her skin tasted so fucking good as I licked, sucked, and buried my teeth into the cords of her neck. Trying to keep my shit together, I thought about anything and everything I could to distract myself from what the lower part of my body wanted. Unfortunately, she had threaded her fingers through my hair and slipped the other hand into the waistband of my pants. She was like a damn octopus, using her hand and her toes to pull my sleeping pants down. Problem was, I was so hard the waistband got hung up on the end of my dick.

I know chicks write all this romance shit where “their lips locked and their clothes melted off and blah, blah, blah,” but things rarely went that smooth. Usually, it was a lot of grunting, stretching, twisting, and contorting to try to get clothes off. This was one of those times.

Breaking free of her kiss-swollen lips, I unhooked my pants from my dick as she was whipping her shirt off and raising her hips to shimmy awkwardly out of her shorts. Before my very eyes was the most beautiful woman I’d ever laid eyes on in my life. The moonlight kissed her pale skin, and she appeared to shimmer in the soft light. In awe that she was here before me, my chest tightened and chills raced over my skin.

Leaning down to capture her nipple between my lips, I suckled her deeply while I continued to roll the opposite peak in my fingers. Her back arched and her hands held my head pressed close to her. Licking and sucking down and around her entire breast, not an inch was left untouched by my ministrations. Inching down her side, following the curve of her rib cage, my tongue dipped into her belly button, causing her to suck in her abdomen. Playfully, I bit her side for pulling away from me.

“Ohhhhh,” she sighed and whimpered as I continued down over the arch of her hip, into the sensitive area where her leg and belly met. And that’s where I paused. Hovering over her sweet center, nudging her hidden clit with my nose and breathing hot, rapid breaths over her plump lower lips. The scent was a God-given aphrodisiac, and it scrambled my brain momentarily. Nothing in the world matched it, but as I dipped my tongue into the dripping honey of her core, the uniquely erotic taste of her exploded across my tongue. The perfect blend of sweetness with the barest tinge of salty had me diving in like my life depended on it. Maybe it did.

With each lick from top to bottom, she panted and whined. Circling her clit with my thumb had her pushing up into me, so I buried my face deeper into her, plunging my tongue deep in her wet sheath just like I wanted to stuff my cock in her, then sucking each lip in my mouth, ending with a nip. I couldn’t get enough of her.

Lifting my eyes to see the expression on her face, our eyes locked and held as I worshipped her to my heart’s content. Heavy-lidded, her gaze was the most beautiful fucking thing ever. Breaking free to grab her clit, hood and all, in my teeth, I flicked the tip of my tongue across it until she began to writhe underneath me. Then I slid first my middle, then the ring finger into her dripping wet core. Instinctively, she clenched around them. The wet sounds of my fingers working their way in and out was driving me batshit crazy, but I wasn’t stopping until she came all across my tongue.

I knew she was getting close when she gripped the top of my hair in her two fists and rubbed into my face in a steady motion. As I curled my fingers to catch just the perfect spot within her, she tensed, mewling and shaking from head to toe. Thick, warm cream coated my fingers and chin as she clamped down and her walls jerked in a pulsing rhythm around my digits. Pressing the flat of my tongue hard against her clit as I moved it side to side, I moaned, adding vibration to the mix as I continued to curl my fingers, milking every bit of her juices. Then I lapped them up.

When she finally lay there boneless, I withdrew and licked her sweet honey from my fingers and hand. Her golden eyes rolled in her head at the sight until they were damn near crossed. My lips teased and kissed up her body again, circling each nipple because I couldn’t have one of those babies feeling left out, before licking up between the two beauties that were her tits, to her jawline, then snaking between her parted lips.

“Taste how sweet you are. You drive me so fucking crazy, I swear I could live between your legs for the rest of my life. Does that taste like a man who is repulsed by you? Does that feel like just a friend?”

She whimpered as I stroked her tongue with mine, coaxing her to share her sweet taste before she began to gently suck on my tongue.

It made me want to shove my dick down her throat, but that would be a mistake, because that’s not how I wanted this to go and I was sure to shoot my load immediately at the mere touch of her lips wrapping around me. There was no way I wasn’t going to be inside her perfect pussy when my balls emptied into her. Pulling back, my breaths were as ragged as hers.

“Sera, tell me what you want. This is all you. You have all the power here. Whatever you want is what you get tonight. You just tell me, and it’s yours. You want me to stop, I stop. You want me to eat that pussy all night, I’ll go to frigging town. You want my dick wrapped up snug in that tight, wet sheath, it’s there.” Eyes glistening, her nails scored my back as she gripped my taut muscles. I meant every damn word. I wanted her to understand that nothing further would happen unless she wanted it. It was the only way I could think of to help give her back the power and control that shit pile took from her. “Tell me.”

“I need you, Kayde.” The whispered plea wasn’t what I wanted.

“Not good enough, Tinkerbell. Tell me exactly what you need.” She needed to say the words. Instruct me and it would be hers. Hell, if I could give her the world, I would present it on a silver platter. She only had to tell me.

“I need to feel you inside me.” Her words were husky with need. However, my smirk told her she was going to have to do better than that.

“Uh-uh. Tell me exactly what you want.” Nibbling on her earlobe, I thrust against the slick wetness between her legs. I never said I wouldn’t encourage her. Tease her. Entice her.

“Oh sweet baby Jesus, Kayde. Are you serious?” Her face flamed. It was the cutest damn thing ever. Nodding, I kissed her cheek, then the tip of her pert little nose.

“This.” She wrapped one of those dainty hands around my cock, startling the shit out of me. My own damn eyes crossed. “I want this”—she squeezed for emphasis—“inside me.”

Just to fuck with her, I reached down and slid a finger through her moisture to circle her puckered ass. “Inside you? Just inside you? So I could put it here?” The tip of my finger breached the tight ring of her ass and her eyes bugged out.

“Kayde! Oh my God. Not there!” Her voice had jumped at least three octaves, and I had to chuckle. “You know damn well where I want you!” She tugged, lining me up with her smoldering opening. Giving her a few short, shallow thrusts, I teased her a little more.

“Stop it! Give it all to me, dammit!” Sexual frustration laced each word with a growl.

“That’s my girl.” In a single push, I filled her until my balls nestled against the puckered spot I had just played with. She was so damn tight and felt so freaking good, I had to sit still with my eyes screwed shut for a moment. Briefly, I wondered if she’d ever let me fuck her there. Oh shit. Not a good line of thought when I was trying to last.

Pulling part way out as slow as I could, I blasted back in. Repeating that rhythm, I basked in the contented sounds she made with each plunge.

Euphoria. Push.

Nirvana. Push.

Every-fucking-good-thing-in-the-world.

This. This was where I belonged. In this girl. Wrapped in each other’s embrace. Souls intertwined. God, my brain turned to mush when all the blood flooded south, and stupid poetic shit rolled through it.

Her hips raised to meet each stroke, grinding her clit against my pubic bone each time I bottomed out. Giving a slight twist to my hips with each of her grinds, I watched her eyes pop open wide in surprise before her body tensed. Muscle by muscle, she drew up tight as a bow string. Her fingers searched wildly for purchase. In the sheets, on my ass, curled over my shoulders. In the end, her arms grasped the headboard, and she curled her lip and let out an animalistic snarl, the cords of her neck standing out, calling to the primitive part of me that wanted to mark her as mine.

As my pace grew erratic, a tingling began at the base of my spine. Pleasure blossomed as my cock swelled and my balls pulled up tight. The sound of our skin slapping in the quiet room was like a symphonic masterpiece. Thrusting hard, fast, and crazy into her, her pussy drew tight around me, nearly strangling my dick as my head was thrown back. Sweat ran down my chest and back, and I roared with the most intense climax of my life. Three more slow strokes, with three more bursts of cum, and I held deep inside her, riding out the waves of ecstasy.

Spiraling down from the heavens she’d rocketed me to, I collapsed over her, held up from crushing her only by my forearms and sheer will.

“God, Kayde. That was….” She blew out a breath. “That was just… wow.” Tears filled her eyes, and I kissed the corners of each.

“Baby, why are you crying?” I prayed I didn’t hurt her. It hadn’t been that long since everything happened, and I had lost my mind in her. I’d been rough with her when I should have been easy, slow, loving. “Was I too rough with you? I’m so sorry that I lost control.”

“Happy tears. Promise. And that was perfect. Amazing.” She blinked, and I drew back to ascertain the truth of her words. As I raised an eyebrow at her in doubt, she smiled and her hand softly caressed my face. “Kayde. I love you. I’ve always loved you. I just couldn’t see what had been in front of my face since I was four years old.” A tear escaped her amber and bottle-green eyes. “You. Always you.”

If I thought the sex had blown my mind, that just toppled me over. Breathing escaped me. All I could do was blink at her.

“Kayde? Say something. Shit.” Expression falling flat, she tried to push me off her, but she was as effective as a mouse pushing an elephant. “Kayde!” Her hands smacked my chest, but I just smiled the biggest damn smile I think I’ve ever had.

“Goddamn, it’s about time.” Pulling her on top of me as I rolled over, I stretched up to kiss her as I slipped out of her. Dammit, that was a lonely feeling. Our cum leaked all over me, and I didn’t give a shit. “Because I fucking love the ever-loving hell out of you, Serafina Elizabeth Hernandez.”

Her dazzling smile lit up every dark corner of my soul.

Yeah, I was on top of the motherfucking world.

“H.O.L.Y.”—Florida Georgia Line

LOOKING DOWN AT THE beautiful man beneath me, I was still a little in awe. Could it really be possible that things were coming together? That we actually felt the same way about each other?

“I feel like we wasted so many years.” Watching my fingertip and how it elicited tiny goose bumps across his skin as I drew circles over his smooth chest, I didn’t meet his eyes. It made me feel foolish that I hadn’t been able to see the gift God had placed right in front of me my whole life. This boy had been my everything growing up. But I’d worn blinders and missed having him in my life for years because of it. Not that I hadn’t loved Tyler, just not in a way a lasting relationship should love.

His fingers tipped up my chin so I’d meet his eyes. It didn’t escape me that not too long ago, those fingers had been inside me, playing my senses into overdrive, and I felt my face flush. “Don’t do that, Tinkerbell. You’re overthinking things. You can’t look at it that way. All those years apart were just God’s way of preparing us for each other. Back then, if we’d gotten together, we probably would have driven ourselves apart with our immaturity. Yeah, we went through some dark shit, but I like to believe, now that you’re here in my arms, we’re stronger for it and stronger together. You feel me?”

Playing at his words, I pressed myself into his semi-hard cock and felt it jump underneath my hips. “Oh, I feel you all right.” He grinned and smacked my ass, causing me to yelp in surprise. “Hey!”

“Mess around if you want to, and I’ll give you something to really feel.”

It was inescapable. I circled my hips into him again.

With a saucy smile, I taunted him, “Promises, promises.”

“Okay, don’t say you weren’t warned.” And with that, he lifted me by my hips and impaled me on his shaft. Holy shitballs. My eyes rolled in my head. Then he launched us up from the bed, me still sheathed around him, legs wrapped in a death grip around his hips.

“Ohmagod! Don’t drop me!” The squeal slipped out of me, and I was glad Ty was a deep sleeper. “Kayde! Where are we going?”

We went straight for the door, where he peeked both ways down the hall, then marched down to his room with me still in place. “We’re gonna christen this bed too. That’s where we’re going.” Through the door we went, him locking it as he closed it. Then he climbed on the bed as I hung from him like a damn monkey. It was pretty funny. But pretty hot.

I mean, he was still inside me. The whole time. Now, I’m not sure about other people, but to me that was pretty damn impressive. However, what he did afterward made that pale in comparison.

Since the night I had one of my awful dreams and we christened both beds, I’d slept in Kayde’s bed. Correction—our bed. He’d promptly moved all my things into his room as soon as he woke up that next morning. It was before I even rolled my ass out of bed, because he’d worn me the hell out and I was completely drained. Then he’d gone to the kitchen and made us coffee, eggs, and bacon, with Ty’s help, and brought it to me in bed.

That night we talked deep into the night. He told me a little of what he’d dealt with in the military and how things were now. Some of it was horrifying, and that was just the things he felt able to share. I didn’t even want to try to imagine the things he couldn’t tell me. When he told me about how difficult it was some days, he made we want to weep for him.

“There are days I feel I can’t even get out of bed. Anxiety washes over me in waves, pulling me under until it chokes me, suffocating me in its depths. How do you tell your buddies that? How do you tell them how weak you are? You can’t.” He’d laid his arm over his eyes. Feeling the pain radiate from my sweet but broken man had me at a loss. Pressing kisses to his neck, I had gently run my fingers along his chest and abs.

“Do you know how I survive it? How I find the strength to fight it off? The only thoughts that truly keep me sane? Not the club, not my friends or family—none of them. It’s you.” After he pulled his arm down, he looked me dead in the eye. “Only you.”

If I hadn’t been sure of my feelings before that, I was positive of them after his words and the look on his face. Fate had a fucked-up, twisted way of getting us to where we needed to be, but I liked to think Kayde and I were finally on the right track.

Shaking the thoughts from my mind, I returned to my task at hand.

It was Christmas Eve and I found myself standing in the entryway with my hands on my hips, as I contemplated the big black trash bag at the top of the closet. How in heaven’s name had I gotten it up there? Because my short-as-shit self couldn’t even reach it with my fingertips now. Who puts a shelf that high anyway?

Oh yeah, someone who’s six foot four. Or seven feet. Hell, I didn’t know how tall he was, I just knew he was a giant compared to my Lilliputian self. Christmas was tomorrow morning. Kayde wasn’t home yet, and I couldn’t reach the damn bag with Ty’s Santa presents. Dammit. Okay, I guess a kitchen chair was needed, since the giant obviously had no need for a step stool.

Dragging the heavy-ass chair over by the door, I cursed picking such a sturdy dining set. I’d just climbed up to grab the bag when the door swung open. It startled me so bad, I lost my balance and almost fell on my ass. Thankfully, strong arms caught me and pulled me tight to a broad chest.

Smiling, I prepared to kiss my shining knight until I looked up and blazing blue eyes bored into mine. Shrieking, I threw my body weight back to get free. The massive arms held me tight though.

“Hey, Joker, it’s raining pretty little blonde chicks in your house. Can I keep her?”

Leaning my head back to peer around the beast of a man, I saw Kayde behind him. Eyes wide, my expression attempted to ask Kayde who the hell this was. Kayde looked disgruntled for a minute before he stepped around the fucking Viking and plucked me out of his arms.

“Fuck off, this one’s mine. Get your own.”

“Well, hello to you too. Since y’all knocked me off my makeshift stool, can you please get that bag from the shelf?” His eyes followed the direction I pointed before he turned back and looked at me like I was crazy.

“How the hell did you get it up there?”

Smacking my forehead with the flat of my palm, I shook my head. “Don’t ask.” Since Kayde’s hands were full of me, the Viking reached up and pulled it down without even stretching. With a droll look, I pursed my lips. “Show-off.” He just grinned at me through his thick blond beard.

“Tinkerbell, this is Gunny. Gunny, this here is Tinkerbell. Gunny is one of my brothers from the club.”

Looking at him like he’d lost his damn mind for telling him my childhood nickname, I held my hand out to the man I now knew was Gunny.

“Sera. Nice to meet you, Mr. Gunny.” His massive hand dwarfed mine. Damn, and I thought Kayde had big hands.

Chuckling, he gave my hand a gentle squeeze. “Ma’am, it’s just Gunny. And it’s definitely a pleasure. And a surprise.” A thick blond brow raised at Kayde, and I had to wonder what the silent exchange between them was about.

“Well, I wasn’t planning on you coming by here. I thought you would meet me at the shop tomorrow morning after we opened presents.” It was Kayde’s turn to flash the droll expression to his friend, who raised his chin and looked at Kayde through narrowed eyes.

“Hmm. Okay, well, I was swinging by Hacker’s to bring him a part for his Challenger, so I figured while I was in the neighborhood….”

Kayde rolled his eyes and set me down, slapping my ass lightly before he kissed my head and walked back to the bedroom.

When he returned, he held a small envelope, which he handed over to Gunny, who dropped it in the pocket of his leather jacket. “Thanks, bro. Have a Merry Christmas.” He first hugged Kayde and then turned to me, giving me a hug. When he held on to me a little longer than was comfortable, Kayde tugged me out of his arms and gave him a glare, to which Gunny laughed his ass off.

“I’ll be seeing you around, beautiful.” Winking one of the brilliant blue orbs, he let himself out the door, laughing the whole way down the walk and to the big red truck parked in the driveway next to Kayde’s Jeep. Damn, I loved red vehicles. I’d really wanted the red Charger, but Lawrence insisted on the black.

Realizing I was staring, I blinked and raised my eyebrows. “He’s really big.”

Kayde laughed and said, “No, baby, you’re just really small.”

“I am not!” Indignation filled my voice as I started to unpack the presents for Ty and set them under the tree. “Well, I’m smaller than the two of you.” At his snort, I rolled my eyes. “Okay, I’m small. I get it. Never heard you complain.”

I was down on my hands and knees placing the presents just so, and suddenly he was straddling my knees, crotch to my ass and leaning over me to nuzzle my ear. “Mmm, nope. Makes it easier to fuck you up against the wall and move you around like I want for the best penetration.”

“Indigo Kayde McGuire! Language!” His answer to my chastising was to swat my ass a little harder than he had earlier. “Hey! No teasing!”

Choking as he laughed, his eyes wide and mirth rampant on his face, he wrapped his arms around me and did just like he had said.

Next thing I knew, I was sprawled facedown in the bed, drool running out onto my pillow, leg hanging out of the covers as Ty squealed and jumped around chanting, “Momma, get up! Santa came! Santa came! Santa came!” over and over and over before pattering down the hall back to the Christmas tree.

“Merry Christmas, baby.” Shivers chased down my spine at his kiss between my shoulder blades. In all honesty, I didn’t want to move.

“Mmm, Merry Christmas, but I think you screwed me stupid last night. I don’t even remember falling asleep.” I felt his lips curl on the skin of my shoulder. The warmth of his body pressed against mine and felt so dang snuggly, I thought I’d just stay where I was.

“Come on, babe. We have a little boy waiting to open presents.” Watching with my eyes, but holding my head immobile, I followed him as he climbed his naked self out of the bed and walked over to the dresser. Those ass cheeks nearly had me drooling again as I watched him step one leg at a time in a pair of sleeping pants with Harley Davidson symbols all over them. When he pulled them over his ass, I frowned. His laughter told me he caught me staring at his ass-ets.

“What? I was just enjoying the scenery.” My sleepy smile stayed on my face until he grabbed the end of the covers and jerked them down and off the bed.

“Hey!” Being butt-ass naked myself, I scrambled to get out of bed and cover myself. When I couldn’t get him to let go of the sheet, I ran at him and jumped. My arms and legs wrapped around him, and he held an ass cheek in each hand. After planting a big kiss on his smiling lips, I bit his jaw playfully, causing him to smack my ass again. “You sure like doing that.” My mock dirty look did nothing to faze him.

Digging two large T-shirts from his drawer, he pulled on the white one and gave me the red one. After I slipped it over my head, it dropped down to my knees, and I had to fight a laugh. Shaking my head and grabbing his hand, I dragged him down the hallway.

Ty was sitting patiently by the tree, legs crossed in his Minion PJ’s. When we sat down by him, he grinned and jumped up to climb in Kayde’s lap. As Kayde reached under the tree and passed presents to Ty one at a time, I took pictures of him opening every one. No matter how little they were, he loved them all. His favorite so far was a new boat for in the tub.

Unable to wait anymore, I grabbed the small wrapped box from under the tree and handed it to Kayde to open. Pulling my bottom lip between my teeth, I worried he would think it was stupid.

With Ty sitting on one knee and watching intently as Kayde carefully unwrapped the box, Kayde set the paper to the side, nearly intact. My heart jumped as he pulled the lid off. Oh, I prayed he liked it. Being on a budget, I didn’t have a huge chunk of change, but I wanted his gift to be special.

The wide smile told me he liked it. Then the confused one told me he realized what he thought was just a stainless-steel biker-style ID bracelet was engraved on the center plate.

Kayde & Sera

Forever

Leaning forward, he pulled me to him by the back of my neck and kissed me. His lips tickled me when he leaned over to whisper in my ear, “I fucking love it, and I love you.”

If he’d asked before, I would have told him it meant forever friends, but after everything came out, I wasn’t ashamed to say it was really because I wanted him to have something from me that I knew in my heart was a symbol of my love for him.

“Would you do me the honors?” He held out his arm and the bracelet for me to put on him.

After I had fastened it and kissed his wrist where it lay, I watched as he stood and told Ty he found a gift in the spare bedroom and wanted to know if Ty would help him push it out here. Next thing I knew, Ty was believing he was pushing a box almost as big as he was into the living room, as Kayde pushed the top.

“Hey, it says it’s for you, Ty.” Kayde pretended to be confused as he encouraged Ty to open it. Ty ripped the paper off, scattering pieces everywhere. When I saw the picture on the front of the box slowly being revealed, I wasn’t sure who was more touched, me or Ty. In different ways, because Ty just thought it was cool he had a little Jeep like Kayde. Me, I was touched that he not only went out on his own and bought such an extravagant gift, but that he thought enough to know that Ty would love to be just like Kayde. It was one of those black battery-powered Jeeps. Ty went crazy, jumping up and down and clapping his hands.

If I was a stubborn asshole, I could have been pissed and felt like he was trying to show me up for my small gifts. Knowing Kayde’s heart, I knew that he really did love Ty and he wanted to do nice things for him. My love for my son was so deep that I couldn’t even begin to put words to it. How does a mother describe the love she has for her children? They are your everything. Plain and simple.

After Ty opened his gifts, Kayde made a big production of there being one more gift left. I’d already opened mine and been overwhelmed that he thought of me and bought me things to pamper myself from my favorite bath store, plus a delicate silver chain with a Rod of Asclepius. What made this so amazing was that most people would have gotten a caduceus because that’s what a lot of people mistakenly use for the medical profession.

It showed that either he was a pretty smart guy, or he had taken the time to research before he got it. See, the caduceus was the staff of the Greek god Hermes, the messenger. The staff of Asclepius belonged to the Greek god Asclepius who was associated with healing and the medicinal arts. Now maybe the US Army Medical Corps was looking at it from the perspective that it was believed to put people to sleep or wake them. If used on someone dying, their death would be peaceful. If used on someone dead, it would bring them back to life. Who really knew, though? What was important to me was that Kayde knew the difference. It was the little things like that that made him and his gift so special to me.

Kayde handed the small box to Ty and whispered in his ear. Ty broke out into a smile as wide as the sky, then booked it over to me. “Momma! It’s for yous! Open it! Open it!” His excitement was contagious and had me laughing as I peeled the paper back. “No, Momma! Like this!” And he motioned as if he was tearing into the package like a little madman. Once I had it open, I found a Jeep key.

Looking at him in confusion, I laughed. “You giving me your Jeep?”

His eyes widened. “Oh hell no! I mean, you can drive it whenever you want… but no, I’m not giving you my Jeep.” Standing to his full amazing height, he guided me to the door. When he reached around me to swing the door open, I still hadn’t caught on. When he nodded toward the driveway, I looked outside.

In shock, I stood there staring at a cherry-red Jeep. “Umm, what the heck is this?” When my eyes met his, he began to look a little nervous. He cleared his throat and pulled his bottom lip in by his teeth.

“It’s for you. It’s nothing fancy yet. But it can be. It’s 100 percent in your name. If you don’t want it, or want something different, it’s yours to do with as you please.” It was a little shorter than his, which was fine because I was short, and it had four doors instead of the two his had. Looking at the two vehicles sitting side by side, I had a flashback. It was a silly one, but I remembered.

“Whoa. Look at those trucks, Kayde! Aren’t they cool?”

“They’re not trucks, Sera, they’re Jeeps.” Kayde’s tone was sweet and calm, never condescending like my brother’s would be. I was only eleven, I didn’t know the difference, but instead of making fun of me, Kayde always took the time to explain things.

“That’s me and you, Kayde. I’m the red one, and you’re the black one.” Laughing, I ran up to look at them where they were parked in the H-E-B parking lot. They looked so big and cool with their giant-sized tires and open tops. I really wanted to look inside.

“Don’t touch them, Sera. They aren’t ours.” Ever looking out for me, Kayde grabbed my hand and pulled me gently back from the shiny vehicles before I could touch them.

“I wasn’t gonna touch them, Kayde.” Propping my hands on my hips, I scowled at him. It wasn’t like I was a baby. Well, maybe I was gonna touch them, but I wasn’t gonna admit that to him. He gave me that knowing grin, and I wanted to pop him one. But I didn’t. Because I really did love him. I was pretty sure I was gonna marry him one day.

“Come on, we need to get home. I told your dad I would walk you straight up here and back to get your snacks for your field trip.” My dad worked late hours, and I relied a lot on Kayde and my brother sometimes. I was super glad I had him in my life.

“You think I’ll be able to get a Jeep like that one day? It’s super pretty. I could have lipstick the same color and everything.”

Kayde chuckled at me and shook his head.

“Only you, Tinkerbell. What if you got a black one, would you wear black lipstick?” He smiled. He had such a nice smile. “But yeah, I think you can do—and get—anything you set your mind to. And if you can’t get one for yourself, I’ll get it for you. Deal?” He put his hand out.

Sticking my small hand in his larger one, I shook it. “Deal. Don’t forget!”

“I never would, Tinkerbell.”

“Are you sure you’re not mad? I remembered what you said about the other car, and I didn’t want you to think I was doing the same thing. That’s why it’s in your name only. I had Hacker work his magic, and I was able to get all the paperwork in your name. It’s paid for, so you don’t have to worry about payments or anything.” He was rambling, and it was cute.

He had remembered. Even when youthful memories had slipped away from my conscious mind, he had remembered. Running my fingers along the shiny red paint, I raised my brows at him. “Can I touch this one?”

He grinned as he held Ty in his arms, wrapped in a blanket. “Of course. You have the key.” It was really too extravagant of a gift. I would find a way to pay him back, but I loved it too much to look a gift horse in the mouth.

Realizing I was still in Kayde’s oversized T-shirt and nothing else, the cold started to settle in. Wrapping my arms as far around him and Ty as they would go, I kissed his pec since it was right in front of me. After one last longing gaze at the beautiful vehicle, I raced inside. “After I get dressed!”

“Easy”—Faith No More

Late January

IT HAD BEEN SO fucking cold lately, and the snow seemed to come down steady almost every day this week. It was like living in a damn snow globe. “This snow has been the shit, bro. My bike fucking thinks I forgot about her. Sometimes I think we should move the club somewhere warmer… like Florida or Texas.” Times like this, I missed Texas like crazy. I was so damn miserable in this weather, and the inability to ride my bike sucked. Hacker laughed, and I wanted to punch his ass. Fuck, I need a smoke. Quitting had gone great for a while. Then it went to shit when everything went down with Sera and I started again. This time I wanted to quit for her and Ty though. I wanted to be a good example to him.

“Shit, man, you act like you haven’t ridden in a year.”

If looks could kill, my glare would have fried his ass to a crisp as he continued to chuckle.

“Feels like it. ¡Chingados!”

“Pussy.”

“Dick.”

“What are you two bickering about?” We both looked up, and I watched with loathing as Gretchen sidled up to Hacker. As soon as she leaned against him, rubbing herself on him, I had to leave. He better not have turned to her nasty ass, ’cause that was something I refused to watch. Pretty confident he wouldn’t, I prepared to head outside by zipping up my coat, because fuck if I wanted her turning to me after he turned her down.

Before I got to the door, I called the next game of pool with the winner between Gunny and Soap. Gunny gave me a chin lift, and I knew it would be him. Not sure why I was gonna even try, because he was a freaking pool shark.

When I stepped outside, I saw Kassi getting out of her car. You could have knocked me over with a feather, but I didn’t show it. Damn, was he finally pulling his head out of his ass? She walked toward me, looking nervous as hell.

“Umm, hey, is Erik—umm, I mean Hacker here?”

I narrowed my eyes and tipped my head at her, trying to figure out if she knew who I was. I knew she had been dancing in a costume to prevent the whole community knowing how she had paid for school and to keep a roof over her and her brother’s heads. But I also realized she’d probably be embarrassed if she knew I knew already.

“Maybe. Who’s asking?” Damn, I hoped he realized what a good thing he had in her if he would just accept it. She was a sweet girl, and I’d known right away from the few interactions I had with her at the Shamrock that she wasn’t like a lot of the dancers there. This was one of the girls who was really just doing what she could to get by, not one of those career strippers who told everyone they were just stripping to get through nursing school. No, she really was.

“Could you tell him Kassi is here? It’s kind of important. I’m sorry, I hate to come here and bother him, but the guy at the gate said he thought it would be okay.” It was impossible not to smile at her. She really radiated goodness.

“No, it’s no problem at all.” Waving her toward the door, I cupped the end of my cigarette to light it with my Zippo the guys had gotten me before I left the team. “He was sitting at the bar just a minute ago.” Snapping the lighter closed, I took a deep drag and motioned again toward the door before I walked around to the side of the building out of the wind. Damn, it was bitter cold out.

As I stood there filling myself full of nicotine, I thought about the past month and how happy I’d been with Sera and Ty in my house. She and I hadn’t really discussed the details, but she was staying. Matter of fact, my neighbor was watching Ty today while she went over to the hospital in Spirit Lake to apply for an opening they had in their ER. Never thought this would be my life. I felt happier than I had in a long damn time.

After I finished with my smoke, I stubbed the end out on the metal edge of the building and stuffed it in my pocket. As good as my life was, I needed to make some changes to show the good karma fairies I appreciated it. Making a promise that it was my last, I pulled out the packet and dropped it in the trash as I pulled open the door.

Just as I was going inside, Kassi slammed into me, losing her balance. Without wasting a second, my hands wrapped around her upper arms to steady her. Tears were dropping off her lower lashes, and she looked like she was giving a valiant effort to hold in her anguish. Before I could ask her what happened, she pushed away, darted around me, and lurched through the door.

What the hell?

Looking at Hacker in surprise and confusion, my feelings quickly turned to disgust. That dumb motherfucker was holding Gretchen by the ass, and she was looking over her shoulder in my direction. AKA the same spot Kassi just vacated.

Asshole. He shoved her away after he saw me watching him. She sneered at him and stomped in my direction. Quickly moving out of her pathway because I didn’t want her even brushing up against me, I watched her push her way outside. Uncaring, I turned my back to her. Too bad I knew she hadn’t left for good.

No one wanted anything to do with her dumb ass anymore. Didn’t know why she still hung around here.

Moving up to stand behind my stupid-ass friend, I wanted to knock him upside his head. “What the fuck was that?” He didn’t even turn around to look at me.

In a monotone voice, he spouted, “No clue what you’re talking about.”

“Seriously? Kassi came to see you, and instead of talking to her, you chase her away. What the fuck, man?” My incredulous expression matched my thought processes. I didn’t understand him.

“I didn’t chase her away. I didn’t even talk to her.”

Well, I wonder why?

“No, you, who may I note never has a damn thing to do with any of the fucking skanks around here, just so happened to grab Gretchen’s ass as Kassi was coming in to talk to you. Total coincidence, right? I’m not buying it. You’ve become a real dumb fuck for someone who’s supposed to be so fucking smart.” Trying to get him to pay attention to what I was saying, I rested my arm on the edge of the bar and stood sideways looking at him. Obviously, he wasn’t interested in conversation. Especially one that was about Kassi. Dumbass.

“If that’s what you think.” Chugging the last of his whiskey, he jumped up from the stool without a glance in my direction. Then he shoulder-checked me and walked to his room, slamming the door. He was throwing away the best thing that ever happened to him, but hell if I could get him to see it.

Taking a swig of my beer Cammie had set before me, I sat at the bar watching the news that flashed across the screen behind the bar.

Vibrations had me looking at my phone where I set it on the bar. Seeing it was Sera, I smiled and answered. “Hey, baby girl. How’d it go?”

Cammie had just walked by and gave me a surprised look as she heard my words. Not like I was completely hiding Sera, but I wanted as few people to know about her as possible. Christian had called me earlier today and told me there had been a sighting of the asshole down in Mexico, but also on this side of the border too. If his ass stayed in Mexico, it would be the best thing he could do, because if he came up this way, his ass was mine.

Sera’s rush of breath made me nervous at first. Then she breathed my name and my dick twitched. God, I was a hot mess when it came to this girl. “I think it went really good! They told me they had a few other interviews scheduled but that I would hear from them one way or another by Friday. I hate to jinx myself, but I really think I got the job. Doesn’t hurt that they’re really shorthanded.”

“I’m sure you did great. If you don’t get it, I’ll go knock some heads together and change their mind.” Taking another drink of my beer, I tried not to laugh and spit it all over the bar.

“Don’t you dare, Kayde!” Her warning was couched in laughter, and the mere hint of her happiness warmed me from deep in my gut.

“Kidding, babe. Listen, I need to head into the shop. I have an appointment in about an hour. You wanna swing by?” It was the first time I’d asked her to come to the shop. I’d been so afraid for her. Afraid if she went out and about anywhere, that asshole would find out and swoop in to go after her again. Realizing it was dumb took me a while, but it was starting to sink in. Because I couldn’t keep her locked up in a cage for the rest of her life, she would only grow to hate me.

“Aw, really? I’d love to, but I have to get Ty, and then he’ll be ready for his nap. Aggie has a conference at her son’s school or I’d ask her to keep him a little longer. I’m not having our first visit to your shop be with him needing a nap. Your friends would think you hooked up with a crazy woman and her heathen child.”

“It’s okay, babe. Next time.” Maybe it was time to introduce her to everyone. I just couldn’t shake my worry, and I was also a little selfish and didn’t want to share my time with her with anyone. Maybe that made me a dick. “I’ll call you before I leave to head home tonight.”

As I hung up, Snow walked up and sat next to me at the bar.

“Hey, sexy, be a doll and hand me a bud.” His words were directed to Cammie, who he’d been shacking up with, but I couldn’t help but mess with him.

“Aw, sweetie, you know Cammie hates it when we go behind the bar. And you’re going to make her jealous if you keep talking to me like that in front of her.” Spinning my stool so I was facing his direction, I gave him a shit-eating grin.

“You little fucker. Kiss my ass. Little lady must be good for you. You’ve been a hell of a lot more pleasant since you brought her back. Your road name fits you now, instead of being an oxymoron.” He tried to hide his smile behind his beer, but I still saw it.

“Yeah, yeah.”

“Any news about the cop?” Lip curling, I knew he was referring to Lawrence, her ex.

“Nothing concrete. Thanks for keeping this under wraps. I plan to tell everyone as soon as I know what’s going on.”

“Hey, it’s your business, bro. I think if your brothers knew, there would be more people looking out for your girl and her kid, but that’s your call. Just know that if you need anything, I’m here.” The sincerity in his eyes humbled me. This club had my back just like my unit had in the past, and it filled the void leaving the Corps left in me. Not a day since getting patched did I regret it.

“I know, I just don’t want to pull everyone into this. It’s not the club’s issue, and I don’t want them being targeted if shit goes tits up. Thanks again, Prez. I gotta run. Work calls.” Snow gave me a hug and squeezed my shoulder.

As I headed out, I told Gunny I’d have to take a raincheck. In typical Gunny fashion, he just gave me a nod and smiled. Dude could definitely be a man of few words.

Pulling up outside of my shop, I felt a massive feeling of pride sweep through me. All those deployments were good for something. Like I told Sera when she tried to argue with me about not letting her pay me for her Jeep, I earned the money with my own blood, sweat, and tears. Literally. Saving it up because I had nothing better to spend it on for all those years, I knew the day would come when I would find what I wanted to spend it on. I’d been cautious and thrifty all my life, but I would spend it the way I wanted.

There was one more thing I wanted to get, but I wasn’t pushing it with her, so I would bide my time. Soon, though.

Late Spring

Sera had gotten the job at the hospital. Only bad thing about that was that she always seemed to be working when we had a family get-together at the clubhouse. I still hadn’t told everyone about Sera and Ty, but today I had wanted to bring them and introduce them. Sighing, I told myself there’d be a next time.

Looking around at the people who I considered family, I had a sense of peace steal over me. Snow, Vinny, Gunny, and Butch were all sitting with cold beers in their hands shooting the shit. Reload and DJ, the prospects, were refilling the coolers with beer, soda, and juice packs for the kiddos. DJ hadn’t gotten patched when we planned because he had gone and joined the fucking National Guard and went away to basic training and AIT. He’d recently returned, so I hoped we could get him patched. Kid deserved it.

Hollywood and I were standing at the end of the bikes talking, and I was using my new E-cig. These things were a pain in the ass, but dammit, I’d been trying so hard to quit smoking. This was my third attempt in the past few months. It sucked so fucking bad. Thankfully, Sera and my brothers encouraged me anytime it got tempting. I couldn’t tell you how many times they told me I was doing great and it could take a while. Falling off the wagon sucked though. It made me feel weak.

Hacker pulled in, and we waved at him as he pulled up and backed into the end of the row. After he parked, he came over to give us a hug. It was a love and respect thing. We were family.

“Hey, bro, nice ride in, wasn’t it? Shit, this damn thing sucks. ¡Esta es una cagada!” Looking down at the E-cig with distaste, I shook it. “Fucking thing isn’t working. Be right back.” Digging through the little bag I had attached behind my seat, I pretended not to hear them laughing at my struggle. They were lucky I hadn’t tried to light this one too. Looking back on it, that actually was pretty damn funny.

I bullshitted with a few of the brothers before I made my way back over to Hacker. “No date today, Hacker?” Smirking at him, I could tell he wanted to punch me in the head.

“Fuck no. And where is your date, asshole?” he spat out. Fuck that hurt, but I laughed to cover it up. I needed to get Sera involved with everyone. I wanted her with me. I wanted to be able to show her off. But it worried me putting her out there. Last week I’d taken a quick trip back home because Christian had called and told me Lawrence had been seen in San Antonio, but then he disappeared again. It was really beginning to piss me off that the fucking cops couldn’t find one of their own who was a piece of shit. So I’d gone home to seek the help of the biker community with my uncle. Our chapter down there was already watching for the guy, and they’d done what they could, but he was still elusive as fuck. It made me wonder what kind of ties he had, and that was a little scary.

Hacker glared at me. “Don’t laugh, fucker. If you don’t have a woman stashed somewhere, then where the hell did you run off to last week? What the hell’s up with you?” His questions made me feel guilty, because I really did owe him an explanation.

I looked away and took a big drag of the shitty E-cig. It really was wrong that I hadn’t talked to Hacker about Sera, but he’d had his head so far up his own ass with Kassi that I didn’t want to put more on him.

Hollywood broke out in a giant grin, then shouldered me.

“What the fuck? You holding out on us, Joker? You and Hacker both. Being all fucking mopey and shit. If this is about some chick, we need to find you each a good woman and get you settled down.” Hollywood tipped up his beer, but his laughing eyes told me he knew he was hitting nerves.

“What the fuck ever.” Hacker snorted in disgust. “I don’t need anything.” He was so full of shit, but I wasn’t going to bust him out on it.

“Fuck.” The little voice rang out at a moment that seemed completely silent. Remi was sitting at a small table set up for the kids, with Reaper and Steph in chairs next to her. Reaper looked at Hacker and mouthed, “Really, fucker?” before he said, “Damn, man, y’all need to watch your fucking mouths. My little girl is copying your dumb asses.”

Steph turned wide and chastising eyes on him.

“Really, babe? Like you’re any better. Do you listen to yourself? That little girl will be able to cuss better than a sailor by the time she is in first grade!” We all groaned.

“No! No sailor talk! That’s blasphemy!” Hacker’s expression of indignation had all of us laughing.

“Man, shut the hell up. After all, you jarheads are just glorified sailors.” Hollywood snickered.

Hollywood and Hacker went back and forth for a little bit before a wrestling match ensued. Grown men acting like kids. Nah, I’m not above that. I loved it. I actually almost jumped in.

I’d gone to give Snow the little bit of updates I had about Sera, and when I came back, Hacker was holding Reaper and Steph’s little boy. I damn near fell over. “Well, fuck me. ¿Qué carajo?”

Everyone gave him shit until I guess he’d had enough. When he got up and told everyone he was out, I decided to follow. It was evident he was in a bad place, and Sera was still at work.

His pipes rumbled as he pulled out of the lot and onto the highway. Sumbitch was hauling ass, but he was no match for my V-rod. It wasn’t long before I was pulling up on him. He looked in one of his mirrors, then took a quick glance over his shoulder.

I pulled up next to him and we kept pace, following the road up into Minnesota. Handlebar to handlebar, we navigated the twists and turns of the road. As soon as we stopped, I needed to send Sera a message to let her know what was up. But damn this was peaceful, and I knew that was why Hacker had taken off. When shit got heavy, we would often ride—just the wind and the road. Our motto was it was the best therapy on God’s green Earth.

Hours had passed by the time we crossed back into Iowa. The sun was going down in a kaleidoscope-colored sunset just as we skirted Spirit Lake on 240th Avenue. Twinkling ahead were the lights of town. As we took the last curve at the south side of the lake and were approaching the turn to continue on 240th, I saw Hacker jump a little, but didn’t think much of it until I heard him yell something.

My eyes damn near popped out of my head when I saw blood running down his arm. That’s when I signaled for us to pull over, but no sooner had I made the motion and his back tire broke loose. I barely had time to slam on my brakes and swerve away before his bike started to roll.

My heart stopped in my chest when I saw him launch off his bike and roll God knew how far down the road. Parking on the side of the road to avoid all the scattered debris, I ran my ass down the road, screaming for Hacker.

No. No way. After everything we’d been through, I couldn’t lose him. Not like this.

“Kiwi”—Harry Styles

DRIVING HOME FROM WORK, I had the music blaring and the window rolled down. It was a rare sunny day for once and the temp was beautiful. As I did every time I drove my Jeep, I reveled in it. I freaking loved the thing, and it meant even more that Kayde had bought it and why he bought it. After remembering that long-ago day, I didn’t have to be a genius to figure out that was why he’d gotten a black one. Just thinking about it made me smile.

Kayde had a club thing today, and I had wanted to go, but he never invited me. It kind of hurt. Often, I wondered if he was ashamed of me. Or maybe he wasn’t really as sure of us as he claimed. Knowing that wasn’t true didn’t keep the doubts from creeping in.

After I got home, I walked next door to Aggie’s to grab Ty. Once again, I’d lucked out and found a great sitter close to home. That reminded me, I needed to call Em. I hadn’t talked to her in over a week. When I’d found out she’d made it, I’d cried my eyes out. Never had I been so damn thankful for another person.

After I’d fed and bathed Ty, I checked my phone. It was weird that Kayde wasn’t home yet. He said he wouldn’t be staying late, but maybe he changed his mind. Sending him a text to touch base, I finished getting my little man ready for bed.

By the time I sat down to read a book on the couch, he still hadn’t returned my message or called. Glancing out the window, I saw it was dark and my worry grew.

It got later and later. When my phone rang, I jumped at it, thinking it must be Kayde.

The number was the hospital though, and I wondered what was up that they were calling me this late. “Hello?”

“Sera? I know you basically just left, but do you think you could come in for a few hours?” It was our nursing supervisor, which was strange.

“I’m so sorry, but Kayde isn’t home yet, and Ty is in bed. What happened? I thought Kassi, Hunter, Pete, and Jenny all showed up?”

That’s when she knocked my breath from my lungs, and I felt like the floor nearly came out from under my feet. She said Kassi went home sick and they were waiting for Tabitha, another nurse, to come in but she wasn’t able to come in for a while. That wasn’t the part that had me tripping out though. It was the part where she said a biker had wrecked and they didn’t expect him to make it that had my world crashing around me.

“What’s his name?” Heart pounding, I prayed. Please don’t let it be Kayde.

Just as she said she wasn’t at liberty to say, which I knew, but I hoped she might give me something to go by, the door opened and the man who was my sun and moon walked through it looking like his world just imploded. Rushing to get her off the phone, I ran over to Kayde, throwing my arms around him.

“Oh my God! I’ve been so worried! You didn’t answer my text, then it got dark, then the hospital called to see if I could work, and they said there was a bad motorcycle wreck. I was so worried it was you!” His gray eyes were so full of pain. I searched his face for some sign of what was wrong. That was when I noticed the dried blood on his hands and the smear of it on the side of his neck. “Kayde?”

When his voice cracked as he spoke, my heart broke for him. “Baby, it was Erik… Hacker.”

Oh shit. Picturing the man who helped me and Kayde when I left Lawrence, I felt awful. They had been so close, but I knew things had been off with them lately because Hacker was being dumb about something. I’d been patient and understanding when he said he wanted to keep me separate from the club until shit was sorted out with my piece-of-shit ex. I was hurt, but I understood. Now I felt awful that I may never again see the man who had been such an integral part of Kayde’s life in the years we were apart—that he may never see him.

His usually luminous eyes were dull with pain. “They sent him to Sioux Falls via CareFlight. They said they didn’t know if he’d make it.” Helping him out of his jacket and leading him to the shower, I stayed silent, sensing he needed my quiet support at the moment. If they sent him to Sioux Falls, it was bad.

My heart shattered for him when I heard his anguished, angry yell come from the shower. It was some time before he exited the shower. I continued to sit on the edge of the bed as I waited for him to come out of there.

Without a word, he shuffled to the bed and fell back, staring at the ceiling. Curling up next to him, I laid my head on his chest and wrapped my arm around his abdomen. “I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can do?” He just shook his head. “You said Hacker was in the Marine Corps with you, right? And the two of you are pretty close.”

“Yeah, we are. Even though things have been a little strained lately. In the Marine Corps, Hacker had been our techno-computer guru on the team. The man is a fucking genius, but he didn’t flaunt the shit. You know how the government and the media tried to make it sound like some suit behind a computer found info on this or that terrorist cell or individual? Yeah, well you could bet it was actually him in sandy, dirty camo on some hillside in Afghanistan or one of those godforsaken Middle Eastern sandbox countries that slipped into a security feed or one of the raghead’s computers and found them. We didn’t rely on intel from some suit in Washington. Erik was our security spook. He would be in and out of their system before they knew what the fuck hit them.” His chest lifted with a deep breath, and his arm wrapped around me.

“When he made the decision to leave, we all felt it. The team hurt for quite a while, and accepting his replacement was hard as fuck. He and I kept in contact after he left. After my last incident where I left the sand with a few extra holes in my body, I came here to visit him on my con-leave.” Slowly, his fingers threaded through the ends of my hair as he continued talking about his friend.

“He and I had a heart-to-heart, and I knew the time in my insane life as Force Recon had reached its expiration date. After my confession to him about how it had changed me—not necessarily for the better—he asked me to move back here, and well, the rest, as they say, is motherfuckin’ history.” We lay there in companionable silence for a few minutes.

His chest rumbled under my ear when he spoke again. “If you think you’ll be okay, I’m going to head up there. I may be there a while, but I’ll have Steph and Becca check on you.” I’d heard him mention these women before and knew they were with some of the guys from his club. It made my ears perk up that he was finally including me in something with his life here. The thing was, I didn’t know them.

“Babe, I’ll be fine. You don’t need to assign me babysitters. I’ve got Aggie and the girls at work. I’ll be fine. Promise.” His lack of fight and argument told me his mind was a mess. “When will you go?”

“In the morning. I need to try to get some sleep. Then I’ll head out early.”

“Okay. Come on, let’s just try to get some sleep for now.” Resting my chin on his pec, I looked at him with worry. “I love you, Kayde.”

He didn’t say anything until I had shut the lights off and we were spooned in the bed. “I love you so fucking much, Sera. Thank you for being here for me. I never want to lose you.” His hand slid my hair up and over the top of the pillow. Burying his face in the crook of my neck, he inhaled, and I reached up to hold his head close.

Neither of us spoke as he slid his hand up my side to cup my breast. His hard length pushed against me, and I rolled to my back. My legs fell open in invitation for him to nestle between them. The head of his cock nudged at my center until it was slicked enough in my wetness to slide in. Heaven was no mystery to me; it was found in his arms, with him deep inside me.

Again, he buried his face in my neck. Holding his weight off me, but keeping our bodies in contact head to toe, he thrust slowly but deeply inside me. Knowing he was using my body as his refuge in his pain, I didn’t say anything, just silently encouraged him with my body language. After everything this broken man had done for me, I would always be there for him. I’d be his escape, his anchor, whatever he needed.

As he pressed steadily into me, over and over, the friction of our bodies where we joined and his girth inside me had my climax swiftly building. As he gave a final rough shove in me, I felt everything in me break loose as we detonated together. My body arched up into his, and he curled even tighter around me, pressed deep and pulsing into me.

When I felt hot droplets run down the side of my neck, I held him tight as silent sobs wracked his body.

Waking suddenly, I couldn’t breathe. My entire body was surrounded. Kayde lay on top of me, arms alongside me with his hands framing my head, with my face tucked tight into his chest and his head over mine. My arms were pinned to my sides, so I couldn’t move them to shake him or push him off. “Kayde!” His name was muffled since I couldn’t draw a deep breath and my mouth was against his sternum. My body barely moved as I tried to arch up to jostle him. He was just too big.

“Kayde!” When I said his name again, he jerked awake, looking around disoriented. He pushed up off me, and I sucked in a gasping breath. Jesus! “What the heck? What was that?” Gray eyes looked at me, but without recognition. Then he just rolled over, mumbling something about “fucking IEDs.”

I was up the rest of the night after that, watching him sleep. Unknown demons gripped him off and on into the morning light. Each time he thrashed, I held his hand and spoke softly to him until he calmed and stilled. I’d been lucky that I hadn’t had but one nightmare since I started sleeping in Kayde’s bed.

After his fitful night, Kayde had woken up later than he had planned. I knew that bothered him because he wanted to get up there as soon as possible. He didn’t say anything about his nightmares, and I kept quiet. There would be time to talk about them another time.

Thankfully, I didn’t work that day, so I was able to help Kayde pack a bag and get on the road. I thought about offering to go with him, but I was still new to the hospital, and without knowing how long he may be there, I knew I couldn’t miss work.

Kayde had looked so damn tired, and his spirit seemed utterly crushed when he headed out, but he had held me tight to him for a least five minutes before he climbed in his Jeep and left with the promise that he would call me when he got there and FaceTime me tonight.

Ty woke up, and I busied myself with spending time with him, catching up on laundry, and checking my phone for missed calls, even though it hadn’t left my pocket and the ringer was turned up all the way. When Ty took his nap, I tried to catch up on some of the sleep I lost last night, but I kept waking up, worried I’d missed Kayde’s call.

When it finally rang, my shoulders dropped in disappointment that it wasn’t Kayde yet. It was Lydia, one of the nurses I worked with. She was sweet, but a hellacious gossip. When she proceeded to tell me that Kassi had been brought in this morning because she’d had a placental abruption followed by a premature delivery, I gasped. Then my heart broke for her and Hunter when she told me at first they thought she was losing her baby, but then she hemorrhaged and they had rushed her out to Sioux Falls in critical condition.

Both Kassi and Hunter worked with me in the ER, but they worked nights. They both seemed so sweet and they were like this fairy-tale couple. Both were incredibly gorgeous and great nurses, even though Kassi was a new nurse. Rumor had it—via Lydia—that the baby wasn’t Hunter’s, but I didn’t get involved in any of that. That was their business, not mine.

After Lydia had exhausted her supply of information, I felt I needed to call Kayde. Things like these past couple of days made you realize how short and precious life was. Just when I thought it would go to voice mail, he answered.

“Hey, beautiful. I just got to Sioux Falls.” His voice sounded so tired and subdued. “Sorry, I was on the phone with Snow. He got up here last night. Things don’t look great right now. I’m pulling into the parking lot of the hospital now though, so I’ll let you know when I know more.”

“Okay, I was just worried about you. I didn’t want to call and bother you in case you needed to get your head straight before you got there. I just needed to hear your voice.” Absently, I twisted a chunk of my hair as I massaged my temple. For a minute, I thought about asking him to check on Kassi while he was there, but he had enough to worry about with his friend.

“I miss you already, baby girl. Hopefully he pulls through and is back to his old self in no time. The dumbass wasn’t wearing his helmet though, and I guess he has some swelling they are worried about or something.”

Cursing in my head, I knew from experiences with past patients that it wasn’t a good thing. But I’d seen people come back from worse, so I prayed for his friend.

“Okay, well I’ll talk to you later. Just be careful, and when he wakes up give him a hug from me.”

“You got it, chica. Love you, baby. To the moon and back.” Melt my heart. Just stick it on a skewer and toast it like a marshmallow, because he was just so damn wonderful.

“I love you too. Be safe.”

With a promise to call me later, he hung up. I knew better than to ask what else could go wrong, because I knew there were lots of worse things than this, but damn.

Shaking my head, I couldn’t believe everything that had happened over the past twenty-four hours. It completely blew my plans out of the water, but it was early, so I had time to tell him. Worry had me chewing on my lip. Hopefully, he thought of this as a good thing.

Shuffling over to the couch, I plopped down next to Ty, where he sat looking at one of his train books. Once I sat down though, he scrambled over to my lap and handed me the book to read to him. Holding him close and thanking God for his health and safety, I kissed his unruly hair.

As I read, I wondered if he would be having a baby sister or a baby brother.

“Undone”—Joe Nichols

DURING MY LAST TRIP up to see Hacker and Kassi, I’d told him about Sera being here. Damn, he was a mad motherfucker that I had kept it from him all these months, but when I told him he didn’t need more shit on his plate because he was already fucked up over everything with Kassi, he understood.

The last few months had been unreal.

You could have knocked my ass over with a feather when I found out Kassi was in the next room from Hacker and was there because she’d almost lost their baby. What a total shitshow. It had my anger stirring at so many damn things. Not just that he’d almost pissed it all away, but it brought back the memory of the child I’d lost. As I did often at first, I wondered if it would have been a boy or a girl. If it would have looked like me, Sera, or a perfect blend of the two of us.

Ty was an amazing little kid, and I loved him like he was my own, but deep down I knew he wasn’t. If I had my way though, I’d have the next best thing and Sera would let me adopt him after I got the nuts to ask her to marry me.

Opening my drawer to get some clean socks, I pulled out the black velvet box. The one I’d had in there for months. Valentine’s Day was supposed to be the day, but I wanted all this shit with Lawrence settled before I asked her. I didn’t want a cloud over that day, so I waited. Then, Hacker uncovered some disturbing information during his search for Lawrence. I still needed to tell Sera, but it was going to hurt her something awful. Flipping open the lid, I tilted the box so the light glistened off the facets. It would look so beautiful on her hand. Footsteps coming down the hall had me snapping the lid closed and dropping it back in the drawer before turning to get dressed.

“Mmm, is that for me?”

Swallowing the lump in my throat, I was sure she had seen what I was holding. Not how I wanted this to go, dammit. Her soft hands slid around my waist from behind and dipped into the front of the towel secured around my waist. Well, it was secured until she loosened it, and it dropped to the floor before I could grab it. “Oooo, I love presents. Especially big ones.” She grabbed my dick, causing it to jump.

Laughing, I realized she was talking about what she held in her hand, not what I had hidden in my sock drawer. “Babe, Ty could come in.” Unsuccessfully, I tried to spin away from my Little Miss Grabby Hands.

“Nope. Napping. We have time for a quickie before you have to leave for work.” The mischievous grin on her face was irresistible, and I crouched to scoop her up and toss her over my shoulder. When she squeaked at me and grabbed my ass, I slapped my hand across her luscious, plump ass, causing it to jiggle in the best way. Three steps to the bed and I tossed her in the center.

Not wanting to waste a minute, I shoved her shirt and bra up to take her nipples in my mouth one at a time. Teasing them to diamond-hard peaks, I ran my hand up under her skirt and ripped her panties off.

“Kayde! That’s the second pair this week!”

Not answering her, I just grinned and shoved my head up under her skirt, skating my tongue back and forth over her sensitive nub. She quit complaining really quick. Writing my name on her pussy was my favorite secret pleasure. If I had my way, I’d tattoo “mine” on it. Not really, but it was a thought.

It didn’t take long before I owned her orgasm and her cum was coating my tongue like the sweetest honey. Fucking A…. this woman.

Crawling up her, I nipped along her all the way to her tits, and I bit them too. Devouring her was at the top of my list, but we were on a tight schedule if I didn’t want to be late for my first appointment of the day. Sliding my cock through her slit, I coated it with her juices before plunging inside her.

Best. Feeling. Ever.

Watching her face as I drove into her, I was overcome with how damn lucky I was and how fucking beautiful she was. Everything had been looking up. Hacker was good, his baby and Kassi were good, and they would be coming home soon. I honestly didn’t think my life could get any better until I put that ring on her finger.

Hooking her legs over my arms, I kneeled and pulled her down hard on my cock. Holy hell, this angle changed all the sensations. Not that any angle in her was bad, but sweet Jesus….

“Oh my God, Kayde. Yes. Yesssss.” She was fucking glorious as she moaned and writhed beneath me.

Fucking her like an avenging angel raining down the heavens, I lost myself in her. Before I knew it, my release was impending, and I ground out my demand that she come right fucking now.

Didn’t matter that she’d already come all over my face; I wanted her sweet cream all over my cock. I wanted to know she was completely satisfied before I walked out the door.

Those caramel-apple eyes glowed as her chest flushed and her lips parted in panted breaths. “Are you close? You fucking better be, because I’m about to fill that pussy so full of my cum, it’s gonna be draining out of you all fucking day.” All it ever took was for me to talk filthy to her, and her eyelids shaded those beautiful eyes and her core clenched like a vise around my dick. Seconds later her body stiffened, hands clenching the bedding, and she pulsed around me as I exploded in her.

Like I thought, I came so much, each slow stroke that drew out the bliss I’d just let loose, had our mixed fluids leaking out. “¡Dios mío! What the fuck do you do to me?”

Chest heaving, she smiled at me and licked her lips. “The same thing you do to me?”

With a smirk, I jerked out of her just to see her pout and whimper. Now that I was running behind, I hurried to wipe off with my towel and get dressed. Almost ready to leave, I stopped by the bed where she was still sprawled half-naked and looking deliciously satisfied. Glancing down at her wet, pink center, I basked in the primitive satisfaction I got out of seeing my jizz spread all over her thighs and leaking from her.

I couldn’t resist reaching down and smearing it all over her pussy and thighs until it was rubbed into her skin. “Don’t you wash it off. I want to sit at work laying ink to people’s skin, knowing I’m painted all over what’s mine.” Slipping into her tight sheath, I fingered her G-spot a few times before pulling out. “I’ll finish that tonight.”

The sexiest smirk spread across her face at my words. Whispering, “I love you,” against her lips, I kissed her goodbye.

Just as I was about to step out of our bedroom door, she spoke the words that made me late.

“Kayde, I’m pregnant.”

Holy. Shit.

“My Demons”—Starset

WAITING WITH MY BREATH held as Kayde stood in the doorway unmoving, I hated myself for having it burst out like it did. Totally not how I planned to tell him. No, I’d cooked up the elaborate plan to make him an amazing dinner, put Ty to bed, seduce him, and then while he lay spent under me, I would whisper it in his ear. As usual though, things didn’t happen how I planned. Kind of like being pregnant. Again.

Not exactly planned. I’d been on the shot when I was with Lawrence. But I lost track of time somewhere in my life of hell down there. Evidently, it wore off early, because I’d gotten pregnant when Kayde was down for his abuela’s funeral and I escaped Lawrence. Then everything happened and I moved up here, and since I hadn’t left, I missed my appointment for the booster. Initially, I had planned on returning to San Antonio in plenty of time to see my gynecologist for my next shot. Then I ended up staying and, with everything going on, never thought to find one here. Trying to piece it all together in my head, I just couldn’t remember my dates or anything, and well… it didn’t really matter the hows or whys. I fucked up.

Now I had fucking word vomit and blurted it out to his retreating back after some of the best sex in history. Shit. Stupid, stupid, stupid, Sera.

Minutes had passed and he was still standing there. Should I say something, or did I wait? I had no idea what to do next. “Kayde? Did you hear me?” Clearing my throat when my words came out with a croak, I repeated myself.

When he finally turned to me, his face was one of absolute shock. Covering my mouth tight with my hand so the whimper trying to escape stayed contained, I wanted to crawl under the bed. I watched as he swallowed hard. Twice. He gave his head a little shake and rapidly blinked his eyes. It was like he was trying to clear all his senses.

“Umm.” He paused. “Did you just say what I think you did? Because I think you said you were pregnant. Is that what you said?” He still stood by the door, and I couldn’t read how he was feeling. Panic started to creep in as I nodded.

“Madre de Dios… are you sure?”

“Umm, yeah. Very sure. I even had a blood test done at work, because I just felt ‘off’ and wanted to be sure. I’ve wanted to tell you for a while, but then everything happened with Erik and Kassi and… well, there just didn’t seem like a good time. You’re mad, aren’t you? I promise I didn’t do this on purpose. I wasn’t trying to trap you or anything. And I really didn’t plan on telling you like this.”

Slowly, he took a step closer. I watched as he shook his head again. Then his face transformed into the happiest smile I’d ever seen. “You’re not fucking with me, are you?”

Shaking my head, I knew I was looking at him like he might be a little crazy because he was acting so strange. In a blur of movement, he was next to the bed, scooping me up and spinning me around. When he stopped, he kissed me with a fierceness that took my breath away.

“So, does that mean you’re happy?” After that kiss, I could barely gasp out the words.

“Happy? Fucking Jesus, Sera, I’m ecstatic!” Joy spread like a glow through my chest, radiating out. Then he dropped me to my feet, and I wobbled before catching my footing. He was bounding over to his dresser. Turning back to me with his hands clutched together, he stepped closer to me, shook his head for a third time, then looked skyward. He muttered a long span of Spanish that I didn’t catch, then looked down into my eyes.

“Sera, my Tinkerbell, this isn’t how I wanted to do this.”

“I know. I didn’t plan on things going like thi—mmphf!” A broad hand covered my mouth, cutting off my words.

Tears and wonder filled my eyes when he let go and dropped to one knee. My own hands covered my mouth when he flipped open the tiny black velvet box. Nestled inside in white velvet was a princess-cut diamond ring that glittered in the light above us. My eyes were glued to it until I realized he had said my name more than once.

“Sera. Baby.” He cleared his throat. “I know we missed our chance the first time around. We ignored fate over and over. We’ve bucked convention. We’ve been through things most people only see on TV. Through it all, we kept coming back to each other until my stubborn ass finally opened my eyes to see the treasure in front of me. Would you do me the honor of being my wife? Would you make me the happiest man in the whole fucking world?”

I’d been nodding before he even finished his little speech. Prying my hands away from my mouth, I whimpered, “Yes,” through my tears. That sexy dimple appeared on his cheek, and my stomach bottomed out. Pressing a kiss to my belly, his large hand spanned the small bulge.

“I don’t know how the hell I didn’t notice this.” He smiled and stood.

Before I knew it, the ring was on my finger and I was spinning in circles until I was giddy and laughing. “I think you’re going to be late.”

He chuckled. “Yeah, well, I think they’ll forgive me. It’s not every day a man finds out he’s going to be a father and gets engaged, you know.”

We made plans for me and Ty to go to the family picnic this weekend so he could tell everyone. I’d met a few of the guys and some of their wives—old ladies, whatever they were called—but my schedule had me missing all the weekend get-togethers until this weekend. I was nervous, but excited.

With another passionate kiss, he left for work.

In awe, I stood with my hand splayed and the diamond catching the light, while my right hand rested on my belly. Finally, life was amazing and nothing could ruin it now.

Nervously, I helped Ty out of the Jeep, while Kayde grabbed the side dish I had made. Ty held my hand and hid behind my leg as we were approached by several large men in black leather vests. They were pretty intimidating, even to me. A red-haired woman came over and took the side with a smile and a wave before taking it to a long table with other items already sitting on it. When Kayde hugged each one of the men, then turned to me, holding out his arm for me to step forward, I’d be lying if I said my knees weren’t shaking.

“Snow, Gunny, Hollywood, Reaper, Dice, this is Tinkerbell.”

Oh my gawwwd! He didn’t! My mouth hung open as I stared daggers at him.

“Sweet baby Jesus, this man,” I muttered under my breath. The big Viking dude he called Gunny winked at me and smiled. Realizing he was the guy from Christmas Eve who Kayde admitted had stopped by to get the key for my Jeep so he could deliver it early the next morning, I smiled back at him. He then tipped his head up and simply said, “Sera.”

They all welcomed me, and I began to feel more at ease. Gently pulling Ty in front of me, I introduced him to them as well. I could tell by their expressions and how their eyes moved from Ty to Kayde and back that they were wondering if he was Kayde’s. In my eyes, he was. Not that I would ever not acknowledge Tyler as his father, but Kayde would be the one to raise him. To teach him to shave. To talk to him about girls.

When a little girl about Ty’s age came running over, followed by a blonde woman with a big baby boy on her hip, I recognized her as Steph. We’d run into her at the grocery store about a week ago, but she hadn’t had the kiddos with her.

“Wanna come play on the swing set?” The little girl with ice-blue eyes and dark pigtails asked Ty. He looked up to me with hope shining in his eyes.

“Hey, this is my daughter, Remi, and my son, Wyatt. This big oaf is mine.” She pointed to a tall man with a patch reading “Reaper” who could have passed for a relative of Kayde’s, with his dark hair and blue eyes. “I’ll be with them, and you can join me after you’re done with the introductions if you want.” Steph seemed a little younger than me but not by much. She also seemed kind, and I liked her already.

“That’s fine, but you listen to Miss Steph, okay, Ty?” Without more than a nod, he was running off after the little girl. Steph smiled and said she’d see me in a bit, then set Wyatt down and followed him as he toddled off to chase after the bigger kids.

The afternoon was a blur of faces and names. Everyone was so friendly. Yeah, the guys were all kind of rough, but very pleasant and respectful. It really did feel like a big family reunion. By the time the sun was setting, the kiddos had slowed and were walking around with sparklers under the supervision of the burly bikers. It was cute as hell.

Once they were done with the sparklers and they were getting tired, we corralled them on some blankets to watch the guys shoot off a few fireworks.

I’d been helping Becca and Steph clean up. Everything was taken care of, and Ty was lying flat on the blanket next to Kayde—Joker. I had to get used to that, because that’s what everyone here knew him as, and anytime I called him Kayde, they looked at me strange. While Ty was watching the fireworks, I grabbed my dish and spoon to pack it back up in my Jeep. I figured that way everything would be ready to go.

Walking to the edge of the parking area, I opened the front door to set my purse down on my seat, then the back door to set the dish on the floor. As I shut the back door, a hand slammed over my mouth and I felt cold metal at my temple. Terror washed over me, and I froze as everything flashed back.

“You’re a hard bitch to track down. Never would have thought you’d shack up with a fucking biker up here in podunk Iowa. I’m a little impressed. Didn’t think you had it in you. Too bad your new fuck toy and his buddies have enemies who happen to be friends of mine. Small world, huh? Know how small the world really is? What would you think if I told you I just put two and two together and realized he was best buddies with your stupid brother and your dead husband? That poor bastard lost his grandmother and his best friend because of you.”

Confusion overwhelmed me, and his words didn’t make sense at all. His hand was covering not just but my mouth but my nose too, and I was fighting to get a deep breath. I knew better than to move though. Lawrence’s retaliation would be quick and brutal. “You make a peep and some little kids get traumatized when their daddies get shot in front of them. You understand?”

Nodding franticly, tears streamed unchecked down my face. My entire body broke out in tremors, and I almost collapsed as he started to drag me away. Forcing my legs to work out of fear I would trip and his gun would go off, I moved awkwardly backward. I had no idea where he was taking me, but each step was agony as it took me farther away from my baby boy and the father of my unborn baby. The thought of him killing another of my babies had a fire starting in my gut.

“How about I let you in on a little secret since you won’t live to tell a soul this time? Wanna know why they never found your husband’s killer?” His voice dropped to a whisper and he spoke the next words into my ear. “Because I made sure they didn’t.”

My heart stuttered and he continued spewing his evil words. “Yeah, that’s right. I killed him. Well, that’s a lie. I couldn’t risk being the one to actually pull the trigger, but some junkies will do anything for a buck. Then no one questions finding a dead, homeless junkie in an alley. It was perfect. You see, I met you at the Christmas party the year before. Do you remember?”

Eyes wide in disbelief, I vaguely remembered Tyler introducing me to several detectives at that last party we attended, but it was years ago and I hadn’t really thought twice about them. I mean, we talked for all of five minutes. How had he possibly become that obsessed with me after such a brief meeting? It was crazy. Then again, he was certifiably insane.

“Ahhh, I see you remember now. It took me so long to get everything set up just right. Healy had been snooping around in shit that didn’t concern him. He found out about the kickbacks I was getting from the cartel to look the other way in some of my investigations. His dumb ass confronted me and threatened to turn me in.” A sadistic laugh burst from his lips. “Like he was John fucking Wayne. Stupid little fuck didn’t know who he was messing with. Then there was you… the unexpected prize. Ripe for the plucking. You were just too easy, and so much fun. But no one leaves me unless I say so!” The hard steel of the muzzle pressed harder into my temple and I whimpered.

Determined to fight him this time, I was about to stop moving when I heard a voice that had both relief and fear slipping through me. “Let her go.”

Lawrence spun me around so fast, I lost my footing and almost fell.

“No, fucker. She owes me. Hope you enjoyed my leftovers when you fucked her.”

My eyes bugged out, expecting Kayde to lose his shit. The man standing in front of us holding a pistol pointed at Lawrence’s head looked like the man I slept next to each night but yet… not. His eyes were cold, winter-storm gray. Calculating and icy. Not even a muscle moved in his jaw.

If I hadn’t been looking closely at his eyes and face, I might have missed his eyes flicking briefly to me, then the ground, back to my eyes, then back to Lawrence. Hoping I understood what he was saying, I waited a few seconds, then dropped all my weight straight down. When I did, Kayde shot at Lawrence, but Lawrence shot at Kayde.

On my hands and knees, I watched in horror as blood sprayed over Kayde’s face and he stumbled, dropping his gun. It skittered over, hitting my hand. Lawrence laughed, and I looked up at him as he pointed his gun at Kayde again. He had blood running down his arm, but he didn’t seem to be fazed by it.

“You stupid fuck. You could have lived and found some other whore to stick your dick in, but you had to be a hero.” He taunted Kayde as blood ran in his eyes and he wavered on his feet. “Don’t you know she’s not worth it? It’s all her fault your precious grandmother is dead too. If she would have kept her fucking nose out of my business, she’d probably still be here. She had the nerve to try to threaten me. Funny thing is, I only meant to scare her, but the old bat swerved too far and hit a fucking pole. And she was your grandma. How’s that for some twisted shit? Like I told Serafina, it’s a small fucking world.”

Kayde lunged in rage at Lawrence’s words, but before he could reach him, he dropped to his knees and fell facedown.

Sobs tore straight from my soul as he fell. Lawrence laughed as he stood over Kayde, pointing his gun at the man I loved more than life itself.

Running footsteps registered in my mind, but I knew they wouldn’t get here in time. Trying desperately to remember everything Tyler had taught me when he had me get my concealed carry license, I wished I had actually kept up with practicing. I grabbed the gun from the ground and arched my arm around to point at Lawrence. Without hesitating, I squeezed the trigger in a smooth motion. The gun kicked back, and the smell of gun smoke filled my nostrils as everything that man had done to me flashed through my head.

In slow motion, I watched the surprise register on his face as he looked at his chest where red blossomed and then at me. “You—” was all he got out before he fell to one knee, then off to the side.

The club members had all reached us by that time, and Gunny slowly wrapped his hand around mine as he squatted by my side and looked in my eyes with his steady, quiet presence. Another one of the guys was working over Kayde as I knelt there frozen. Gunny’s eyes never left mine as he handed the gun to Reaper, who took it and Lawrence’s gun and disappeared.

Violent shudders suddenly wracked my body, and Gunny wrapped me in his big, thick arms. My mind was a blank slate, and I just sat there shaking as he held me. I’d just lost the love of my life. My chest hurt so bad it felt I’d taken an ax to it.

“Get your fucking hands off my woman.” The gravelly voice was barely recognizable, but I turned my head to see Kayde sitting with his knees spread, a wad of fabric held to his head, and his teeth clenched in pain, anger, or both.

Without care for my knees scraping on the asphalt, I crawled rapidly over to him and held his face between my hands. Not paying any mind to the blood I got on me, I kissed him, tears mixing with the blood on his face and my fingers. “Oh my God, I thought he killed you!”

Snorting, he then winced. “Just a flesh wound, but heads bleed like crazy. You should know that, babe. Just knocked me loopy for a minute.”

“Yeah, he’ll have one helluva headache for a few days, but this guy has the hardest head I’ve ever seen. He’ll be just fine.” The guy with a “president” patch and “Snow” on his vest crouched by Kayde. “You okay, hon?”

“Yeah, just shook.” That was an understatement. Avoiding looking where I knew Lawrence lay unmoving, I held my forehead to Kayde’s. “I fucking love you.”

“I fucking love you too, Tinkerbell.”

THE CLUB DECIDED TO let everyone believe Lawrence disappeared down in Mexico. They didn’t want the attention brought to the club since motorcycle clubs already had a bad rap. Pretty sure there was a little more to it, but I didn’t ask. I also didn’t ask what they did with his body, and they didn’t tell me.

The property the clubhouse sat on was on the edge of town, and with the fireworks everyone was setting off, no one questioned three gunshots. The women and the prospects hustled the kids in the clubhouse to “watch movies” because they knew the difference in the sounds. Thankfully, none of the children saw anything, and no one else was hurt.

Becca, Hollywood’s wife, hooked me up with her therapist after telling me about what had happened to her. I was able to come to terms with what Lawrence did to me. I learned to forgive. Not him, because he didn’t deserve it, but myself. I learned to let go of the guilt and blame I carried with me. Accepting that bad things happened to me, but they didn’t define me. My past didn’t determine my present, nor my future.

Kayde and I got married in a very small ceremony at Steph and Reaper’s place. I was fine with waiting, but Kayde insisted we would be married before the baby was born. I didn’t really put up much of a fight. Christian, my dad and Marla came up and then there were the friends we had up here who attended.

Ty was so proud to be the ring bearer. Right before the pastor was about to begin, he’d turned to the guests, pointed at us, and loudly announced, “That’s my mom and dad!” He’d been standing next to Kayde, and I thought I was going to cry at the look on Kayde’s face. It was the first time Ty referred to him as “Dad,” and neither of us had prompted it even once.

Remi was the flower girl, and she kept telling everyone that Ty was her new best friend. Kayde had looked at me and raised an eyebrow as he smiled. Reaper looked a little disgruntled, but Steph just smiled and shook her head at his growls.

The day Thalia Jane entered the world, I thought Kayde would pass out. We had opted not to find out the sex. When the doctor told him it was a girl, his face went white. He started muttering something about “worrying about all the dicks in town.”

The nurse laid her in my arms, and I was in love. She had her dad and her brother’s dark hair, and the sweetest little rosebud mouth. I counted all her fingers and toes. Pleased with my addition, I snuggled her back up. She was perfect.

When I offered her to her daddy, he looked terrified. The nurse laughed and transferred her from me to him, instructing him on how to support her head. He reached out his hand, which was nearly as big as she was, to stroke her chubby little cheek, and she grabbed his pinky finger. Those pale gray eyes looked at me in surprise before a smile spread ear to ear. Before my eyes, the big tough Marine-turned-biker melted. That itty-bitty human may have had her tiny hand clutched around her daddy’s finger, but he would forever be wrapped around hers.

The End

Spanish Translation

Abuela—Grandma

Güero—Light-colored boy

Mi alma—My soul

Niña—Baby girl

¡Dios en el cielo!—God in heaven

¡Caray!—Damn!

Madre de Dios—Mother of God

¡Dios mío!—Oh my God

Mi pobre niño—My poor baby boy

¡Mira!—Hey!

Mi hijo—My son

Mi Chiquita—My little girl

Niño—Baby boy

¡Chingados!—Shit/Fuck (Interjection)

¡Jesús!—Jesus or Christ

Tu culo es mio—Your ass is mine

Sagrada Maria, madre de Dios—esto no puede estar pasando. Voy a matar a alguien. Por favor que sea esto un sueño terible—Holy Mary, mother of God—this can’t be happening. I’m going to kill someone. Please let this be a terrible dream.

¡Ay, Dios mio!—Oh my God

Well, here it is. The last book in the series. Or is it?

For now, I’m moving on to my next series. The Straight Wicked Series will be about a group of musicians. I can’t give you too much information or I’ll give away some of the secrets from the first book! Just know that I’m working on them and I pray you’ll love them as much as you did the boys from the Demented Sons. I’m sooooo excited!

This book was dedicated to Penny. My PenWa. My friend. You have had faith in me when I lost motivation, when I berated myself, and when I became angry with my characters for not following the paths I set out for them. I cannot thank you enough for your help and your unfailing belief in my abilities.

Sybil Bartel gets a huge thank you and will in every single book. Without her, none of you would have ever read my words. She gave me guidance, support and advice when I had no clue what I was doing. Every word she shared was invaluable. If you’re looking for some good books to read while you wait for my next series, check hers out! You will not be disappointed!

Brenda and Lisa. You two have been amazing. Fate had a hand in ensuring our book-loving paths collided. Without you two, I would be lost when it comes to the in’s and out’s of book signings. Thank you for taking to my first one as a fan, and thank you for going with me as my PR girls to my first one as an honest to goodness author. Can you believe it?

Clarise Tan—you went over the top with this one and gave me a cover to be proud of once again. They just get better and better! Once again, we paired up with Eric McKinney and 6:12 Photography. Eric, your photograph of Chase Ketron was perfect for this character and I almost fell over when you said we worked it out for me to purchase it! Expect to see more of Eric’s photographic genius in future covers. Chase, well you look as amazing as always, and I was so incredibly over the moon to be able to have you on this cover!

Virginia Cantrell and the ladies at Hot Tree Editing—I hope you don’t read this, because you probably are having conniptions at my awful grammar as I just type out what I feel. Forgive me, because you give the important parts polish and keep me from looking illiterate. <3 I love you all, to pieces!

The goddess. Stacey with Champagne Book Designs. Thank you for always making my books shine. Without you, and your goddess abilities, my work would fall flat. :)

Ladies of Kristine’s Crazy Fangirls, your comments are the best. As always, thank you for being patient with me when I don’t post daily because I’m in the writing zone or—ugh, working. Y’all still rock.

And as always, my last-but-never-least, a massive thank you to America’s servicemen and women who protect our freedom on a daily basis. They do their duty, leaving their families for weeks, months, and years at a time, without asking for praise or thanks. I would also like to remind the readers that not all combat injuries are visible nor do they heal easily. These silent, wicked injuries wreak havoc on their minds and hearts while we go about our days completely oblivious. Thank you all for your service.

The Demented Sons Series

Iowa Chapter

Colton’s Salvation

Mason’s Resolution

Erik’s Absolution

Kayde’s Temptation

Texas Chapters

Lock and Load

Styx and Stones

The Straight Wicked Series

Make Music With Me (Levi)

Snare My Heart (Dominic)

No Treble Allowed (Logan)

String Me Up (Aiden)

Coming Soon Zane’s Story!

Kristine Allen lives in beautiful Central Texas with her adoring husband. They have four brilliant, wacky, and wonderful children. She is surrounded by twenty-six acres, where her five horses, four dogs, and four cats run the place. Kristine realized her dream of becoming a contemporary romance author after years of reading books like they were going out of style and having her own stories running rampant through her head. She works as a night shift nurse, but in stolen moments, taps out ideas and storylines until they culminate in characters and plots that pull her readers in and keep them entranced for hours.

If you enjoyed this story, please consider leaving a review on the sales platform of your choice, www.goodreads.com, allauthor.com, bookbub.com, or your review platform of choice, to share your experience with other interested readers. Thank you! <3

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