Open Throat
Author: Henry Hoke
Date: 2023-06-06 00:00:00+00:00
Keywords: Contemporary; Fantasy; Adult; Gay
Description: " Open Throat* is what fiction should be." — The New York Times Book Review One of ELLE 's Best Summer Books of 2023, and one of i-D'* s Fiction to be Excited for in 2023. Named a Most Anticipated Book by The New York Times, Vanity Fair, Buzzfeed, Boston Globe, Nylon, Alta, Shondaland, Chicago Review of Books, Philadelphia Inquirer, and Literary Hub A lonely, lovable, queer mountain lion narrates this star-making fever dream of a novel. A queer and dangerously hungry mountain lion lives in the drought-devastated land under the Hollywood sign. Lonely and fascinated by humanity’s foibles, the li
Publisher: MCD

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A Note About the Author

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There is no creature whose inward being is so strong that it is not greatly determined by what lies outside it.

—GEORGE ELIOT, Middlemarch

I’ve never eaten a person but today I might

I wake up in my thicket to the sound of whipcracks and look out and see a bulky man in a brown leather jacket and brown hat swinging the whip toward two other people a man and a woman
the woman holds a phone up and says you look just like him oh my god
the man with the whip smiles and cracks it again and I feel something in the bottom of my stomach that’s not hunger

I also feel hunger
the man without the whip lies down on his back and spreads his legs and lifts his feet up to the sky and shouts okay do it just flick ’em just lightly flick my nuts
the man with the whip snaps his arm back and forward and the whip hits the dirt in front of the lying down man and the lying down man says yes yes
the woman presses her phone and says be careful those are my boys

I try to understand people but they make it hard
the man on the ground is skinny and the woman with the phone is skinny but the man holding the whip is thick and his neck bulges against the collar of his tan shirt and I can see a vein and hear the blood running down through his arm and his arm flexes and gets meaty every time he raises the whip
the whip hits the ground and kicks up dust and it sounds like the torment of all big cats
fuck this guy

I can smell his insides
my mouth waters and the drool slides down and soaks my paws

I smack my lips louder than the whip’s crack and the people stop like they heard me and the lying down man stands up and the woman turns her phone in my direction and the man with the whip holds the whip at the ready
yeah I heard that says the woman like someone asked her a question

I’m not scared of their eyes

I’m the same color as my thicket and the same color as the ground
no one sees me unless I want them to
the whip makes the bulky man brave and he steps slow toward me and squints and leans in with his throbbing neck vein in full focus
my mouth opens and I judge the distance between the man and his skinny friends and try to decide if I can drag him into the thicket quick enough

I wonder if they’ll chase us or if they’ll run away
it’s been weeks since I’ve eaten anything bigger than a raccoon

I think of how many meals I can get out of this man and how if I store him down in the caves the vultures won’t find him and I’ll be able to come back over and over to eat a little more

I think of all the nights we’ll spend together
this man and his guts and me
let’s get food says the man as he coils the whip around his fist and pulls his neck away from the path of my teeth
the woman claps her hands and says yeah I thought I was totally over brunch but I guess I’m not

I watch them walk fast down the trail and I go to sleep because sleep takes my hunger away

when I wake up I hear the last of the day’s hikers passing my thicket
two girls with huge water bottles that bounce the sunlight through the branches and into my eyes
it’s not easy to sleep on an empty stomach but I guess I did okay
one girl says god I can’t believe it’s dark already

I know we have to start starting earlier says the other
she takes a sip from her bottle and says no matter how much I say no and cancel stuff there’s still no time and the first girl says that’s just your scare city mentality you have to work on that
yeah I just you know this you know I don’t like change says the second girl and the first girl says of course but we all live in scare city under capitalism so we all have to make an effort to deprogram a scare city mentality as like our central driving force
their voices get lower and then I can’t hear them anymore and I yawn and stretch my paws out and their water bottles vanish with their bodies in the sunset

I shouldn’t be here and neither should they
now that the hikers are gone I leave my thicket and go down into the dry ravine where lots of water used to flow and I eat bugs and suck at the little trickles to make my thirst less

I remember the last rain and I remember I wasn’t happy about it but I don’t know how long it’s been since
now I need water to come from the sky or anywhere else

I need more than a dirty sip

I think of the girl hikers and the shiny bottles they gulp out of and I paw the dirt for more caterpillars and eat them and I know I have to find somewhere new to drink
things are changing
a while ago I wouldn’t fantasize about eating a person
what the girls said makes sense

I’m not sure what a scare city mentality is
but I have it
here is called different things by different people
mostly they say ellay but they also say the park or hollywood

I hear that word a lot

I know I live below the hollywood sign because the hikers say oh look we’re below the hollywood sign and they say can we get all the way up there and they ask which letter would you jump off

I’ve been up there but at night lights come on and it’s too exposed so I stay down where I am now
views don’t matter to me anyway
the hikers say things like look at that view or say things like we have to do this more often get up here and get perspective
what they see makes them point or stop and turn and put their hands on their hips and breathe deep but the distance they love is an out of focus blur when I try to look where they’re looking
all I can see is what’s right in front of me

when the sun drops below the ridge I leave the dried up ravine and go to town
town is where my people live
there are four of them and they have three tents set up just a few layers back in the trees where the hikers can’t see
but I see in the dark
the people in town smell familiar to me a smell like warmth or the woods not the sweet hiker smell that makes my head hurt
and that’s how I found them a while ago and found their pile of trash and the smaller animals that come to eat their trash and offer themselves up to get eaten by me
the people build a fire some nights and I have to stay far away from the glow but they haven’t done that in months they’re afraid of the dryness like I’m afraid of the dryness
there’s a water pump in the clearing past town and that’s why they built town where they built it
it’s not a bad setup

I go to the water pump and there’s a deep puddle below it and I lap and lap and lap

I’m the secret member of town

I stay on the edges and don’t mess with their tents or their tarps and supplies but I hear them talk about me
the older man in the left tent calls me puma
the couple in the middle tent call me ley own
the young man in the right tent calls me a different name every day but it always ends with cat
fucker cat or shitfuck cat or goddamn fuck cat

I can take it
he’s kind otherwise and leaves his trash by a tree and tonight it’s a bucket of chicken bones but at the bottom there’s chicken
the meat and the bones taste like many people’s saliva and my stomach gets full and I get grateful and my eyes fill

I want to thank my people but I know if they see me it’ll fuck up our relationship

the first light means it’s time to go and I bring a bone back to my thicket
the hikers start early and I hear voices as soon as I’m settled in hidden and gnawing
or I hear one voice a man’s voice

I’m a good listener says the man and I see he’s with a woman who hikes beside him
the man says really I’m serious I want to listen you can tell me anything you want about us or me or the dinner anything I promise I’ll just listen and I won’t interrupt or project I’ll just I can take it you don’t know what a good listener I am without you or when I’m not around you when I’m with other people it’s just this specific stuff with us that makes it hard so I’m ready to listen I really am I promise I’m ready
this is my bedtime story today and I close my eyes and leave my ears open

I’m a good listener

I don’t hear the woman’s voice and I start to wonder what she sounds like

I wonder what I sound like

at dusk I feel alone enough

I chance a growl but the earth growls louder
the ground feels wrong my paws aren’t attached anymore
they give out
my body on the ground shudders and everything shudders around me it’s all moving at the same time the mountain moves I feel like I’m in water there’s no foothold little rocks roll by the branches of my thicket scratch my face in a way they’re not supposed to and the small sharp pain doesn’t wake me because I’m not asleep

I can’t get up and I think I never will and this goes on forever as the shudder ends
the stillness now is not the stillness before

I don’t trust this stillness
there are small bits of blood on my legs from the branch scratches
my thicket isn’t safe anymore

I step out and there’s a person standing next to me
she’s wearing a yellow shirt and yellow shoes and her back is turned and she’s messing with her phone so she doesn’t see me

I freeze and feel awful
okay okay she shouts into the air and then says again to herself okay
she steps back on one foot and her shoe is so close to my face I can smell it
the phone is up at her ear now and she scratches her side and leaves her hand there holding on to herself tight while she talks
did you feel that she says into the phone
no she says no I’m in the park I don’t know I walk now what
her shoe moves away from my face and then she gets quiet and listens and then she shouts how did you not feel it it’s a fucking earthquake
and then she gets quieter and says babe I know you said not to call but I’m calling because look fuck it I’m coming home
she snorts and wipes something away from her eyes with the back of her phone hand
she runs forward down the hill and dust from her yellow shoes hangs in the air along with the word earthquake

I look down and touch one front paw to the other to make sure I’m real and alive

I’ve felt so many shudders before but either this one was different or I’m different
now

I scrape the dirt and walk uphill but I’m worried the ground won’t ever be solid again
it’s dark when I reach the caves and I get lucky because the earthquake has pushed a swarm of bats out of one tunnel and they swoop and scatter above me and they’re just as confused as I am
even the shudder can’t destroy my nightly hunger

I use their confusion
they have no idea how high I can jump

I leap and swat one bat down from the air and crack its neck with my teeth and then I do the same with another and another
this easy hunt is like a game and I find joy in the new moonlight

I go deep into the caves until they get so narrow I have to stop
if more shudders are coming I want to be somewhere small

I turn and lie down with my bat snack in front of me and fill my mouth and then my stomach and there’s water dripping so I wash down the wings

I’ve heard hikers talk about earthquakes before they say it’s a reason to get the fuck out of ellay or they say they’re not bad anymore or it’s not a thing anymore the fault totally shifted
anyway it’s better to be outside when the big one hits they say

I’m always outside
tonight under layers of rock I’m full and I can at least breathe
but even here in the cave I know I’m still outside I’m not in a tent like the people in town and it doesn’t make it better that the shudder happened and won’t make it better if it happens again

I don’t know
it’s hard to say how it feels

I’m looking for the words

piss splashes my face and wakes me up
the sharp smell bristles my fur and my eyes pop open

I watch the man’s dangling part and the wet pouring from it onto the pebbles in front of me
the salt covers my lips and I lick it away

I’m hungry again

I turn away from the spray and my eyes must catch the sunlight because the pissing man makes a deep noise and clutches his chest and turns before pulling up his pants and he skids on the gravel and falls on his face
he recovers and runs out of the cave and doesn’t look back
if he looked back he’d see me not chasing
not moving
he’d see me not giving a fuck

I’ve been pissed on before

I stand and leave my cranny and sniff his puddle and straddle it and piss and the puddle gets larger

I can still smell his fear

I walk over to where he fell and paw the frantic marks he made in the gravel and I think
what it would be like to hunt him
he was so close when he woke me up and I had all the power of surprise on my side
the attack could’ve happened right then and I could stuff him in the cranny and I’d be set for a few meals
he had a scrawny neck that’d snap in a sec
but he had no meat to him
nothing like the man with the whip

I’m only thinking all this because the pissing man is gone
and I know I won’t see him again

I find his phone by the mouth of the cave
it’s black and shiny and has a pattern like snakeskin and I flip it over and press on it like I see the people pressing on theirs but
phones don’t work for me

I can’t pick it up and raise it right up to my face or my ear and anyway
who would I call what would I say where would my voice go

I lean close and see something in the black screen
maybe a tongue and teeth
my reflection
but I don’t have that word yet
my eyes

I like to think the man who ran will remember these eyes
always

I swat the phone over by the metal base of a sign
the sign stands at the entrance to the cave and when I see people here the people stop and move close and look at it and then they either turn around or go inside

I don’t know what this sign is because I can’t read
there are signs all over the park and I watch people stop at them and I try to figure out what the signs say by the people’s reactions
sometimes people ask each other what they say like they can’t read either but it’s because one is always closer to the sign and then they help me by reading out loud
so I know the one that says fire danger very high today and the one that says caution rattlesnakes

I don’t have a problem with rattlesnakes
the one that says fire danger changes color and sometimes the people read it and say extreme and then say shit
is there a warning sign for me
is it this one
when I leave the cave the birds are screaming and there’s an ever bigger sound in the sky
whirring and grinding and moving in long circles
the young man in town calls them fucking helicopters
the fucking helicopters circle at night and shine big lights down that take away my dark and then I can’t see and I can’t stay hidden
the young man in town will leave his tent and scream and shake his fist and call them names like he calls me
he hates them so I hate them
the whirring and grinding sound gets lower and I hear hikers coming and run behind a tree
the hikers are looking up of course and one says that’s a rescue chopper
yeah for the children’s hospital says the other they’re always going to the children’s hospital down on sunset I hear them all day
oh perfect the first hiker says now whenever I look up and see them or hear them I’ll just think of the bloody and dying baby in there and that’ll make me feel great

I look up through the branches of the big tree but the sky is too bright for me to see anything except painful light
instead I shut my eyes and listen to the fucking helicopter sound fade

I imagine the bloody sky children

I think about blood raining from the sky and I roll onto my back and stretch and claw the air and open my mouth and think of catching all the blood rain in my mouth and it quenching my thirst and making it go away in a way it hasn’t since I was small
when I’m hungry I think about blood too much
also when I’m not hungry

I lick the little scratches my thicket made on me and taste dirt and my own insides and it’s not quenching at all it tastes like cat and I’m cat and I don’t like cat

I stand up and spit and shake my head and grow up

I probably wouldn’t eat a child

my new thicket is a nest of twisted trees above a path
hikers come by all day while I rest but I’m ten feet above them and they never suspect
from here I wouldn’t even have to leap I’d just have to drop and whichever hiker I wanted would be mine

I try to keep these thoughts from my head and let the dry breeze cause sleep
the hikers talk about their therapists
they decide what is good or bad about their therapists and decide if the therapist helped them feel good or bad and they throw these two words around like they have different meanings
a therapist is something I want

I don’t know if I feel good or bad
if feeling hungry is bad then I almost always feel hungry so maybe I almost always feel bad
a therapist can help me with this
a therapist can explain why I have a shudder inside after the shudder outside is over
a hiker says I pay her two hundred a session just to talk shit about my parents
my mother gave me a name I can’t share

I’m not from ellay I just ended up here

I was a baby far away where the sun sets
a deep forest on the edge of the water where we could taste the salt carried up by the wind at night
we
because there were many of us in the green hill where the colors were colors I don’t see here and the deer roamed for us to capture and all we had to do was lie in wait and be patient
my mother could stay still for days and listen for the soft sounds prey makes
my mother was very kind
her bloodthirst was insatiable
she taught me how to snap a neck with my jaws
why would I ever leave her
my father gave me a name I won’t repeat
he wasn’t around in our part of the forest he kept his own territory higher up in the hillside
when we traveled toward the water we would sometimes see him lurking and watching us to make sure we remembered to worship him even if we were doing all the traveling and killing ourselves
my mother stood on the uphill side and blocked my little body from his view

I grew from kitten size to my now size and stayed close to my mother while all the other cats went away to find their own thickets and stalk their own prey and make their own kittens
my father wanted more and so his territory grew and we were suddenly in it
he came down the hill

I was too big then for my mother to block
he attacked her first
a father to a kitten is an absence
a grown cat to a father is a threat
a hiker says my only really good therapist was in new york
of course says the other hiker
they talk about new york a lot in ellay
in new york you don’t need a car
cars are loud metals that carry people to the park and that they leave in lines and clusters near the paths and that they can’t stop talking about needing but not in new york
is new york where I have to go
from what people say it sounds like everyone there is coming here and that’s why everything is changing or why everything costs too much now or why all the good things about ellay are disappearing

I want to do the opposite I want to go to a place where I won’t be hated
where there are therapists running around everywhere like deer and I can just find one and catch it and pin it down
store it somewhere safe and visit it once a week
that’s the thing with ellay says the other hiker forget about therapy you have to go to the next level here
all we’ve got here is gurus
their smell leaves my nose
my mother taught me to hunt but my father taught me to be hunted
after the attack he chased me toward the sunrise
staying uphill from me all the time so I wouldn’t forget his power
when I had to shit I’d do my best to bury it and not leave a trace
the only direction I could go where I knew my father wouldn’t follow was toward the roar of the long death
every animal was afraid of the long death
even my father
at the top of the farthest hill I saw more hills hills with no green
but between where I was and the place I had to go was the long death
the long death was a giant blurry path that led all the way up and all the way down and was always blazing with fast moving cars that killed countless creatures

I traded old fear for new fear

I have trouble sleeping in the twisted trees because there are so many hikers who go by and talk loud all day
they talk about how no one in ellay has real jobs but from what they describe as real jobs I don’t think they have them either
ellay is a mecca for the underemployed they say
to be employed they need skills
they say to each other you’ve got so many marketable skills

I go over my skills
my skills are hiding so long that you forget I’m there
watching and listening until I memorize your habits and your language but
killing is my job
a big lizard crawls by and I
smash its head against a rock and swallow half of it
that’s trauma too that’s the trauma talking says a girl on a phone it’s all trauma
she goes silent and she stuffs her phone into a bag hanging from her shoulder and when she pulls her arm out a piece of green paper flutters to the ground behind her

I know the paper is important because I’ve seen people drop it before and they say shit and they run and grab it and they say that was close
the trauma girl doesn’t do any of that she doesn’t even notice that it fell and she keeps going and I wait and the moon appears above me

I jump down and pick up the paper in my teeth

I try to taste its importance
nothing

I decide my people will get more use out of the green paper so I take it to town
they may have made it through the earthquake and they may have tents to keep out the cold and the rain and they may have piles of trash but I want to contribute
this may be their town but we all live in scare city
there’s a dog in town tonight and I stop before I get too close
dogs don’t do it for me
when their people bring them up the mountain they always sniff out my hiding spots and bark
and I can’t eat them because the one dog I ate once was dead already and it made my insides feel awful for days
so just the thought and the sound are sickening
this dog is tied up outside the middle tent and barking
but not at me

I’m too far away
too good at my special skills

I let the green paper fall out of my mouth
the dog is facing the other direction
in the trees beyond the dog I see three sets of eyes
coyotes are different
they run together and have a mentality like mine
if I don’t eat them they get ideas they start to think they can eat me if there are enough of them and enough bites to take
these three have their lit up eyes fixed on the dog and they’re ready for blood
so I get around behind them and tackle one and crunch its neck and the other two run away

I drag the skinny body to the water pump and drink from the puddle and eat from the coyote
the dog stops barking
you’re welcome I think to my sleeping people
people are attached to their dogs
in my triumph I sleep and in my sleep I dream and in my dream I see the man with the whip and his bulging neck vein
the vein grows larger than me and larger than the mountain

I’m so full at sunrise that I forget to leave
a voice says dead dog and then the voice repeats it dead dog
the young man has a bottle in his hand and he’s standing on the other side of the eaten coyote
there’s a bucket lying on the ground
the young man says it again dead dog and his neck twitches and his voice changes and he says lots of low level parking
like he knows what scares me most is what I don’t understand
he raises the bottle
would we be okay if I had the green paper in my mouth instead of coyote guts
if I had something to offer
bad cat
he throws the bottle and it hits my front paw hard and I tip sideways and he runs uphill and all the ground dirt floats in the air of the bad morning and I watch it blow away and the young man stops and turns and looks down at me to make sure I’m going
he looks at me like my father

I return to the twisted trees and the path below is busy again

I’m kind of a poet says some boy kid to another boy kid he’s holding hands with
when they ask what are you says the kid my mind goes right to poet cuz I don’t ever make the obvious choice I make the deep choice I want to claim that title poet poet ha ha

I watch their hands while they walk away
hands that could be grabbing bottles and throwing but instead are wrapped together and connected

I think I’m kind of a poet
because when I finally find a deer left behind by a herd
its leg broken and stuck in a rock
even though I know I shouldn’t
know it’ll make the meat spoil quicker

I eat the heart first

I drag my deer to the twisted trees where it’ll be covered so I can make the meat and iron flavor that’s filling my mouth last
this is a feast for a week

I won’t need my people and their tents and their scraps
won’t need to go to town

I can take care of myself
it’s easy to lie when I’m stuffed
rest tries to find me
but the nonstop voices of the passing hikers find me instead
yeah I can’t wait to see you a man says into wires that hang from his ears
so let’s not wait right with every step we take with what you do when you hang up and when you dream you’re moving closer to me and I’m doing the same we’re not waiting not standing and waiting we’re constantly traveling in time toward when we get to be together again
there’s something wrong with my ears

I can’t shut them like I can shut my eyes
more and more voices come and I stop looking to see where they’re all coming from
we don’t have earthquake insurance they say
but we’ve always got a go bag packed in case fire comes down the mountain
they don’t know where they are
they keep changing the name
is it ellay
or is it beachwood
or is it the canyon
they call everything a disaster

I stare at the trees because the trees don’t talk
this is not a big deal they all say but only before they say other things
this is not a big deal but the car’s gonna need way more work than they thought
this is not a big deal but he ghosted me whatever he’s ugly and all his friends suck
this is not a big deal but right now I need you to listen to me
they say I can’t believe it’s almost the fourth and I still don’t have a check from him I’ve been looking at the mailbox every single day and they say you know what the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and they say yeah but checking the mail
they say ni modo and then they say it again
they say fame is a real killer all I did was one commercial and now I get recognized and shouted at god I need to go back to being nobody
they say yeah of course the project is gay everything is gay now everything is gay now it’s all gay everything is gay now
they say no I’m not going to tell her

I want to devour their sound

I have so much language in my brain
and nowhere to put it

I spend half the night dragging my deer up the hill to the clifftop
to find some quiet
when I reach the top there’s an owl perched on the rock across from me
it’s not interested in my deer
the meat’s been unmoving for too long
the owl’s head turns to look at me so I look back into its eyes and I see what it sees
the bright world below the park at night is a blur to me when I try to look out over it
but if I get close enough to a creature’s eye I can see what it sees and in the owl’s eye I see ellay clearly
more lights than I could ever count stretch out into the darkness and don’t stop stretching

I’m scared of how far they go

I get why people can’t decide on one name
this can’t all be ellay

with a stomach full of deer I walk uphill
there are no eyes on me anymore

I feel watched
a whirring sound pops out of a bush and I look for a bird but a flash of light hits me instead

I blink and go tear up the bush and inside is a black box standing up on little black sticks and it whirs and clicks and flashes again and this time it hurts my eyes and takes my sight away
in the blindness a cold wind cuts into the skin below my fur
when my sight comes back I go close to the black box again and I see my nose and mouth in the little glass circle and I think of the people holding up their phones and pressing and pressing

I step back and wait for the next flash but there’s no next flash
my claws come out and I knock the little black sticks and the black box tilts and falls and it pops open like a trap
what did it capture

the smell of easy prey wakes me
what I see when I open my eyes isn’t something to eat
it’s two slow people withered and wrapped in layers of clothing
one is hunched over and the other staggers and helps him up the trail
it’s sweet but unappetizing

I can smell their death coming at me through the woods
is this what the coyotes smell when they circle
what my father smelled on me
what made him want to snap my neck in his jaws or beat my head on the ground
was I a threat
or just on my way out
my skin is starting to get loose and some of my fur drags and tugs on things it didn’t drag or tug on before
it’s okay
old is fine

I’m old because I’m not dead

something explodes above me
the sun’s already set but this brings the day back white and blinding in the black sky like a swarm of fucking helicopters
there are cheers rising from down below like all of ellay is making this happen like the people forgot how dry my life is
and they do it again and again
more explosions and cheers and less night

I look down to stop my eyes from hurting but the light doesn’t go anywhere and now the bursts are in my ears too

I hear the sky crackle and fall down around me
all I feel is fire danger
this is too much
the shudder inside becomes unbearable

I can’t eat everything I’m afraid of

the horror of the sky fire stays in my head for days

I sit secluded on my cliff where no one comes until sundown
two men approach the cave below and I watch
they walk a few feet apart and stare at their phones
and don’t talk
the only sound they make is footsteps on gravel
at the mouth of the cave one stops and looks at the sign and one doesn’t and keeps walking in
the space between them grows larger
when they’re out of sight I climb down the cliff
and creep to the cave mouth where I can watch the men and not be seen
their phones are gone now and one stands close behind the other and leans in to the other’s neck to bite
the best deer I ever ate was one I didn’t kill
when I made it far enough away that my father stopped hunting
he left me to the long death with its roar that got louder with every step I took

I first saw the deer bolting through the woods and it stopped in front of me
stopped long enough for another big cat to catch it

I watched and did nothing as the other big cat ended the deer’s life and made it meat
with blood on his mouth and nose and whiskers the other big cat looked at me
a challenge to approach
or an invitation

I waited until he’d eaten a bite of intestine and then joined
my face buried in the deer and my eyes on him
when you meet a big cat who will share a kill you can’t let go of him easily

I bend low and enter the mouth of the cave and hide in the shadows
the men are on the ground now
on their knees and the one in front has his hands planted flat like my paws against the dirt
there’s a hot scent where they’re connecting
my eyes are full
the motion they make reminds me of the shudder but in a way that makes it okay
they move like the whole cave wants them to move like a natural part of this world
the man behind collapses forward and his front joins with the other man’s back and their arms wrap together
the shape they form is like my shape
their breathing is hard but their bodies are motionless and they go silent and my purr echoes

I’m loud
they’re going to see me

I remember how every day the kill sharer and I would meet by his deer and bloody our faces together
and each bite that made the carcass smaller made the roar of the long death smaller too

I would stay close and he would go off somewhere and return matted and hungry his teeth bared as if he had stories he wanted to tell me but couldn’t and his chewing was enough and I treasured the way he blew air out of his nostrils
no deer lasts as long as you want it to

I saved him the final bite and I waited and waited but he didn’t return and then I knew it was time I crossed the long death
the long death up close and in focus was even harder to take with its lights and speeding murderous cars never stopping on their hell ride to the right and to the left

I spent all night terrified and slinking along the side daring myself to cross and when the light broke over the hill I saw the body of the kill sharer
his fur coated in a mix of dried deer blood and wet cat blood his own blood

I ran straight across the long death my feet determined and pounding because I wanted to die

I’m not that lucky
the men in the cave pull their pants up and get back on their phones
the one behind leaves first and the other one waits a moment and follows
they’re so into their screens that neither of them sees me

I go over to the spot on the ground where the men were connecting and lie down in the disturbed dirt
my body twists into the same position the kill sharer had in death

I wonder if I’d been brave enough and tried to cross first
would he have found my body
or if we’d crossed together would we both have made it

I imagine the kill sharer appearing now at the mouth of the cave
circling like I’m his prey and pouncing and connecting with me and the warmth we would make together with our eight paws and two dangling parts and four rows of teeth

I get up and crouch and shit and bury what came out of me
two more men approach and these two brought their voices and their voices say man I don’t want you to miss your chance and say yeah god she’s so cute
they pass the mouth of the cave and they don’t come in and the cave is fully dark now and I feel hidden and I watch
they kick rocks and pace and push small sticks in their mouths and the sticks make a glow and the men blow out smoke and the glowing sticks shrink

I know these men
the man with the whip and his skinny friend
the man with the whip is not holding a whip and he’s not wearing a hat or jacket but I know his thickness and I know that neck vein I’ve been seeing in my head since he first leaned it within reach of my teeth
this is your chance to have pancakes with allison says the skinny friend to the man with the whip
she wants pancakes what can I say says the man with the whip
they are not going to connect

I follow them down the trail and they reach the trees near town
just ask her when we get back says the skinny friend hold on I have to take a piss
the skinny friend ducks into the woods and leaves the man with the whip alone

I go closer and the man with the whip stretches his arms above his head and spits on the ground and the extended length of him looks vulnerable
but the skinny friend runs back out and says shit never mind and the man with the whip says what and the skinny friend says there’s a whole y’know camp in there and he points through the trees to where the tents of town are
fuck says the man with the whip these fuckin’ tents are everywhere now man I mean my street’s not safe and the skinny friend says yeah julia doesn’t wanna walk over anymore they take up the whole sidewalk and the man with the whip says fuckin’ disgusting with what we pay in rent
they go quiet and the man with the whip pulls a small metal box out of his pocket and holds it up
alright fuck ’em he says seriously watch this
he flicks the metal box open and it makes fire
another weapon
he walks with the weapon into town

I crouch behind a tree and the skinny friend stands back near me and says what
the man with the whip turns and says shh and he goes to the pile of trash near the tents and he makes the fire and holds it against the trash and the trash becomes little bits of fire too
he squats and steps over to the cardboard outside the young man’s tent and makes the fire again from his little metal box and the cardboard turns bright
the man with the whip closes the metal box and sprints to the skinny friend
smoke ’em out says the man with the whip and pats the skinny friend on the back and they walk away quick making nervous laughing sounds
ha ha ha ha

I watch the fire lick the tents and I hear my people wake up
the couple in the middle make muffled noises
a spark jumps to the brush at the bottom of a tree and the flames rise and light everything
this is a big deal
the woman of the couple tears out of their tent with her dog and the man follows and tosses her a backpack and she turns and looks at the flames and the man goes and pulls the old man in the left tent out and the old man staggers backward and leans on a tree right next to me coughing
the woman shouts santo and she picks up a bucket and throws the bucket at him and he catches it and runs up the hill toward the water pump
the dog goes barking past me out of sight and they don’t try to chase him
the woman waves a hand from her head to her heart and from shoulder to shoulder
the cardboard by the right tent burns fast and the fire consumes the young man’s tent and when he steps out his legs and arm are on fire
the old man and the woman don’t move so I move

I go past them and toward the right tent and I leap on the young man and knock him to the ground on his back and I pound the fabric of his jacket where the fire is and knock it out and I grab his collar with my teeth and pull him away from the cardboard and the cardboard is almost gone and the tent is all flames and I pound with my paws again on his legs this time and one fire goes out and the other doesn’t and his mouth is open he is probably screaming but I only hear the crackle of burning trees and it is hotter than I can take

I don’t want my story to end here

I roll the young man on his face and then back onto his back trying to cover his fire leg in dirt
something hits me
the old man throws another rock and this one hits the young man but I see he’s aiming for my face
the woman screams aguas and she grabs a large branch from the ground and steps forward and jabs at me and another rock from the old man clips my ear
the man returns clutching his bucket and when he sees me he drops it and water sloshes out and tears fill his eyes the bucket is so small and the flames are almost done destroying our town
the stick and more rocks come at me through the smoke and I feel one bounce hard off my spine
the young man’s fire is out now but he’s crying in pain

I step off him and turn and run away from my people
away from their doom and toward the lights of a larger one
the flames rise to the tops of the trees behind me and the hills in front of me reflect the glow and they might as well be burning too
fire is the only future

the burn is behind me but the smoke is everywhere
without the sun or moon I don’t know when day stops or night starts

I can’t tell how long I’ve been walking away
walking not running because I can’t see what’s right in front of me anymore and can’t see myself

I could be something else I could be a deer or even a person
but not a bird a bird could rise above the smoke

I can’t sing
my lungs are full of ugly

I look down and there are no paws
any sec I could step off a cliff

I think I’ve always felt this way
the smoke makes it clear

today tomorrow or yesterday

I’m fully empty
my hunger joins up with my cough and I go from walking to crawling
voices come at me through the smoke
oh he’s gotten much worse says a voice since the election he’s in front of the teevee twenty four seven and it’s just see en en from morning till night and you know he pretends it upsets him but I think he loves it loves all the jokes and the hate and the chaos I mean I think he secretly or you know repressedly loves the guy you know and loves all the nonstop media coverage
yeah says another voice he wants to fuck the president

I know these voices are a memory and not a now
moving doesn’t seem worth it and I stop and lie down with my not body and wait for something anything to shift
the memory voices leave me and the smoke stays and I close my eyes

I picture the men in the cave but they’re on fire and I’m running from them

today tomorrow or yesterday
the wind changes direction and I get my body back

I put one paw in front of the other
in the burnt but open air I’m the only creature still living

I reach a clearing and there’s a checkered blanket laid out and an overturned basket
things left by fleeing people
the basket is empty

I dig in a knocked over can nearby but there’s only plastic and more plastic
it’s on the ground too

I’m not sure how to have a body again after losing it and my desire goes in all directions
slow and starved and wanting to connect
fuck
down the hill from the clearing is a street and near the street is a giant round tent with no sides
underneath I see animals

I get closer and the animals are frozen
not from fear
of me
but because they’re fake
they’re painted and hard and arranged in a circle
a deer and a white horse with a horn and a big cat with a fiery swirl of hair around its yawning mouth
they’re all impaled and I go and stand with them and expect my own impalement
the rod dropping from above and stabbing through me and holding me in place
giving me purpose
it’s the middle of the day and I’m in the middle of a field and I don’t feel exposed
what person would walk into a scorched world

I follow the street and enjoy the dead silence of a park abandoned by everything that flies and shouts
until a sound stops me
faint but frightening
an unending roar I could never forget
another long death

I crouch by a tree and wait for the sun to set at my back to make sure I’m facing the right way and yes I’m facing the right way and that means the park has an end and there’s no more escape

I can’t do another crossing

I’m not about to die on an empty stomach
what good would that do

tonight I can smell so many animals it makes me angry
all it took was a short walk downhill to catch their scent

I’m never going toward the sunrise again
or the sunset
and the mountains are uphill so my nose takes me in the only remaining direction
and it leads me to the stench and a wall of metal poles reaching higher up than my head can look

I expect the animals I smell to be impaled here too
alive this time not fake alive and dripping blood that I can lick and lick from the metal
instead the poles are clean and I can’t fit between them

I go to the top of a ridge where the poles stop and leap down onto a hard path between strange trees a kind of tree that doesn’t grow on the other side of the wall
the howling starts
now these animals can smell me back

I see a deep pool of blue water and run toward it and let my tongue out to lap
but my tongue and face stop short at a hard wall
a wall I can see through but can’t move through
all I taste is the smeared fingerprints of people
there are writhing hairy animals swimming in the water on the other side
anxious bodies that don’t know I can’t reach them

I turn and follow the path and hit another clear wall
behind this one is a god shadow perched on a cracked limb
its wings spread bigger than three vultures combined
the god shadow flaps and I pray for it to fly and find a dead thing and circle and show me where it’s rotting I’m so starved I’d eat the most rotting thing the most dead thing
the bird looks up and in its eyes I see netting stretched tight across the night sky
it’s going nowhere
what is this place
every ten steps I take I’m at a new net or a new clear wall and there’s a new animal somewhere behind it and some shriek or some rustle erupts as I pass
my senses can’t keep up

I leap up onto a low stone wall and smell something like me but unlike me

I look down into this new area and it doesn’t have a net or clear wall it just goes deep
there are cat eyes by a small stream below and the eyes meet my eyes and judge my power
this big cat has stripes running up and down its body like claw marks like it’s been shredded
there’s water dripping from its mouth and it dares me to jump down and drink

I know this look it’s the look a coyote gives me when it knows there are other coyotes hiding in the brush or circling behind me

I leave the big cat’s evil sight
have fun in your trap

I’ll show you a predator
beyond a murky green pond that even I won’t drink from my nostrils catch an irresistible scent
small and sick and afraid
three of my favorite flavors

I leap another wall and this area isn’t so deep so I fall toward the smell
a fat furry gray thing clutches a tree and extends its weird little tongue and before its squeal hits my ears my teeth hit its neck and I pull it to the ground and end its life and my starvation
every bite tastes bad
the body slowly becomes bones and now I’m alone
a spotlight hits the ground next to me and the blood on my paws shines and I gag
there are people on the way
they won’t understand
people don’t have to kill things like I have to kill things

I jump as high as my stuffed body will allow and I scramble to the top of the wall
a voice shouts oh jesus kiki
a woman in a hat enters a gate below and waves a man over
they stand over the bones I left and the woman says to the bones poor kiki

I’m sorry kiki
they shouldn’t have named you
the man points at me and I remember I’m visible
running makes my head hurt but I run
there are people shouts on all sides of me
more names

I run for the lights of ellay

even when I leave the park the park comes with me
the burn smell stays on my fur and in my nose and the trees continue and get split by the curving street and stand tall on either side and I choose the side with the most green and hug the hedges and try to go fast
there are buildings here much bigger and stronger than the tents in town and their doors are hard not soft
they go up and up almost as tall as the trees

I hear a car approaching and I disappear into a thick hedge
two men step out of the car and they make noise with long sticks that end in spinning blades like tiny fucking helicopters and they stand across the street and drag the blades across the hedges sending pieces of green flying up in the air
it’s so green here
how

I bury myself deeper in case the men get tired of their hedge and attack mine
but they don’t
when the spinning goes away I look out and see two small hikers
a man and a woman I know from the park
they step over the huge roots that pop out of the ground on their way up the hill
don’t they get that the park isn’t safe now
they stop in front of me like they heard my thoughts like they heard my warning
you know who lives there says the woman and she points across the street to the building beyond the trimmed hedge that’s slaughter’s house
the man takes a big swig from his water bottle and says oh fuck really I love slaughter or y’know I loved him he’s like a legend
yeah says the woman but his wife is younger than you
gross says the man
gross yeah says the woman but fully typical
they continue to walk uphill toward danger and there’s nothing I can do to stop them

I look at the house where they pointed
the name slaughter sounds good to me
like something I could do
like somewhere I belong

I nap until night and wake to a car coming to life and pulling out from in front of the slaughter house
the car lights blind me for a sec and when I can see again I cross the street and crawl through the trimmed hedge and into the thick green grass
water sprays up out of small holes in the ground and I drink until I hear another car

I run around the side of the house into an even larger grassy area in the back
when I get there I see a girl in a cloak on her knees lit by a blue lantern in a circle of sparkling stones and she holds a bowl and the bowl pushes smoke into the air
she lays the bowl on the ground in front of her and puts her head down so the cloak covers everything except her long hair and her long hair spills and licks the grass like a flame
it’s a color I didn’t think I could see until now
she keeps her head down and I sneak by and hug the edge of the house

I can hear her whispering
around another corner I find a hole in the hard gray stone where there’s one chunk missing and it’s just big enough for my body so I squeeze my body inside

I have to keep my head low but I smell mice and I crawl in the dirt toward their scent and the sound of scuttles
a mouse and a bunch of baby mice run toward my mouth and my mouth eats them
with my stomach full I keep moving and the farther under the slaughter house I go the lower the dirt sinks and the larger the space above me becomes
there’s another me sized hole in another layer of gray stone and on the other side of this hole I can stand up all the way
the ground slants down into a ditch and at the edge of the ditch is a wall and at the top of the wall is a wooden platform with a wooden railing and a door and beyond the door is light

I take it all in
this is my first room
there’s a dripping pipe on one side of the ditch and it gives me all the water I could want

I sleep for what feels like days here in this dark safe spot where the sun doesn’t rise or set
confused mice come back from the outside world and run through the low space and down into my ditch and before they even see me I trap them in my jaws
nothing’s ever been so easy

I forget the scent of the burning forest
my fur smells like earth again
my ears hear the dripping and the clicking of bugs and then they hear shouts
a man’s deep voice coming from somewhere above
this must be slaughter

I go back through the hole into the low space where my head touches the surface above me and my ears are close to the inside of the house and the voice becomes clear
muffled by a floor is the right volume for people
everything went fine says slaughter they’re just gonna keep her there for a few days until they know everything’s still working okay with her body
for a moment I listen to slaughter listen
yeah I mean sure he’s fine he’s alive he’s a baby

I follow slaughter’s footsteps to the edge of the low space
slaughter pounds on a wall and says a short name

I hear another voice and something in this other voice sounds kind of like slaughter but higher and younger
like a little slaughter
the voice says dad and the way it says dad is the way most people say no

I curl up and let the bouncing shouts become my lullaby
these are my new people
they don’t know it

there’s sunlight coming from the hole in the bottom of the house
so I can tell it’s day
slaughter continues his shouting
people are loud during the day and quiet at night

I roll on my back and listen to slaughter as he steps in a circle on the floor above me and I know without seeing that he’s on a phone because he sounds like everyone in the park when they hold their phones to their heads or speak into their wires
no we’re fine now the house is out of the danger area and anyway it’s all out says slaughter but did you see they figured out the whole fire started in a homeless camp
slaughter goes quiet and I hear the sound of a bottle hitting metal and then he says this is what happens when we let them just live up there and no one does anything about it
his voice keeps me awake
but slaughter is a comfort
if the mice run out I can always eat him
the light leaves the hole and a possum appears and does what possums do

I grab it and make it mine and drag it back to my ditch and dig my teeth into its middle
it tastes okay but I’m distracted from my meal by the hard footsteps and slamming above and I go back into the low space
slaughter says alright I’m leaving for the hospital last chance and then he asks you’re not coming
slaughter says fine you’re not coming
slaughter says don’t come
a door slams and then another door slams
a woman’s voice pours through the floor
not a real woman no a woman in a recording singing beside music and thumps
she sings living alone is all I’ve ever done well

I go back to my possum but before I can bite a bigger thing happens
the door above me opens
a square of light hits my ditch
a person steps onto the wooden platform with a small stick held to her mouth
little slaughter blows smoke and the smoke fills the air above me and blocks her face
all I see is the flame hair from the backyard
she’s not wearing a cloak anymore just a big shirt
when the cloud clears she’s looking right at me
in my whole life I’ve been seen by only a few people and each time was a failing of my stealth and my mother’s lessons
but this moment is not like those moments
my gaze meets hers and I don’t feel guilty for being seen
there’s not even a whiff of fear

I summoned you says little slaughter
and in our eyes it feels right
stay says little slaughter and I do
she goes back out the door and a moment later the music stops and I realize I’m waiting for her to return
she returns and she has a handful of shredded goo and she tosses the goo down to me

I leave my possum and go to the goo and sniff it and it’s meat and I lick it and it’s tasty
there you go heckit says little slaughter and then she says eww
she wipes her hand on her shirt

I’m vegan says little slaughter or I’m trying to be
as I eat I keep my eyes on her

I want her to know I’m grateful
good girl heckit says little slaughter I’m so glad you’re here
she kneels and watches me chew and this unhunted food is too easy

I love it

time goes by and I hear slaughter come in and shout and then go out again
and when he goes out again little slaughter comes to visit me
good morning heckit she says and she throws me meat
her daily offering
she holds out a large water bottle and pours and I go to the trickle and catch the liquid in my mouth and little slaughter smiles and doesn’t stop pouring until the bottle is empty and as the container quenches my thirst I get why the hikers carry them

I try to make sense of the word she keeps saying heckit and after a few days of feedings I realize she’s giving me a name
heckit

I’ll take it

I can’t tell her my real one
my mother gave it to me when she first saw me lick blood off my lips
it’s not made of noises a person can make

now that my water supply is endless the sky decides to rain

I watch it pour down through the crack in the low space and the dirt beneath me becomes mud and little creeks form
my lack of thirst makes me hate the water and I leave the low space and when I get to my ditch I watch the creeks wash down into it
my paws get wet and then the legs above the paws get wet and then my dangling part and the underside of my belly get wet
each time I shake myself dry more water rushes in

I claw the edges of the ditch but I can barely get a grip and each new motion feels useless
where was this water when we needed it
when it could have helped
my paws catch a dry spot and I lift myself out of the ditch
the weight of the water on my fur wears me out and I find the driest corner and curl up and let the rhythm of drops put me to sleep

I wake up because I’m drowning
the water’s above my head and there are no dry spots left on the ground

I kick against the wall and roll onto my back and float and push water out of my nose and grab a hard breath but I’m too soaked to stay on the surface and my soak pulls me down to the bottom of the room
in the dark water I see the hole to the low space and it’s also underwater
there’s no way outside

I think of the creatures I saw swimming and try to make their movements with my front legs
the water splashes but I don’t rise
with every flail I think of every bad move I’ve made to get to this moment

I see my mother lying still beneath my father and I see the kill sharer lying still beside the long death and I see my own body lying still in the flood
with my last breath I think the word please
let me start over

a hard object hits my back and I claw my way onto it
a wood plank rising up like a ramp to the platform and the railing above

I walk three steps and leap to the platform and knock little slaughter backward and she lets go of the plank

I crouch and cough out water and little slaughter says shh and she grips my wet fur shh it’s okay heckit I’m here
she takes me down a long thin space and into a bright room and she lays a soft cloth on the ground and wraps me up in it and rolls me onto my back and everything is a blur like my head’s still underwater
all I can see is little slaughter’s big shirt
on the shirt is a yellow animal with a long neck and I reach out and touch the animal
little slaughter says oh this is dumb a friend gave it to me for my birthday
she holds my paw and moves it slowly across the writing below the long necked animal and she says it says and then she speaks to me slow in the voice people use when they’re reading out loud
not all giraffes are real
the rain is stopping says little slaughter

I’m very dry now and I try to stand and I succeed
little slaughter says sorry you had to be down in the cellar I don’t even know what it is it’s just cuz the house is built into the hill but you’re here now this is our space
my eyes are back to normal and I look around the room at the soft ground and the splashes of color on the walls and the green outside the big slabs of glass
little slaughter says dad never comes in here
there’s another big cat across the room
oh says little slaughter and she walks over to the cat and I follow her and the cat gets closer
we reach a hard wall and I see there are two of her and I push my face against the hard flat cat
it’s just your reflection says little slaughter
there is so much more of me here than the nose and mouth I see in the black screens of dropped phones

I can’t touch myself
little slaughter brings in a box of weird sand and puts it in the corner and says you can go to the bathroom here

I don’t know what she means but I take a chance and piss and shit in the sand and bury it and that’s what she wants and she takes the box out of the room and brings it back fresh
this used to be for my cat says little slaughter but he died two years ago and dad won’t let me get another because beth is allergic to like every animal
little slaughter shows me her sofa and tells me it’s my sofa now and I hop onto it and it’s exactly my size
she talks and I listen

I learn about longing

I get most of my new words from her
she makes a circle of sparkling stones around my sofa and kneels and feeds me from her outstretched palm and calls me her goddess
if you feel alone in the world
find someone to worship you

little slaughter sleeps at night and I sleep in the day so we watch over each other
she spends most of her awake time on her phone
laughing to herself and pushing the surface with her fingers
she holds the screen to my face and says look heckit I found a picture of you you’re famous

I look and it’s just a bright blur
the phone shudders in her hand
ugh says little slaughter this guy keeps texting me he thinks just cuz we’ve run into each other three times since graduation we’re meant to be or whatever but I don’t believe in coincidences he can bite my ass
she throws the phone and I go to get it for her and she laughs and says leave it

I look again at the picture
that can’t be me it doesn’t have a smell

I don’t trust screens to tell me who I am

I’m sorry heckit says little slaughter as she feeds me an apple because I’ve eaten enough apples
dad hasn’t gone shopping cuz he’s always at the hospital I’m running out of meat for you
even here we’re in scare city
they’re bringing the baby home tomorrow says little slaughter and the way she says baby makes me wonder if she wants to offer the baby to me for my next meal
she says whatever I’ll be gone soon and dad’ll be happy and beth will be thrilled they can just be happy here with their baby

I roll sideways on the sofa and she sits with me and rubs my head like park people rub the heads of their dogs
am I a pet
she says next month I’m going to santa fey to do my photography there are a lot of witches in the desert and I can’t wait to get as far away as possible and then I’m gonna go work at the border and take pictures of what’s really happening but I need to get better with my spanish
she tells me words in spanish
denada
gato
agua
in my head it’s all people language
little slaughter says you can come with me you can eat ice
when she’s asleep I see a small set of eyes in the darkness outside
a cat

I can’t smell it but I can see blood on its little mouth from a fresh kill
the cat looks through the glass and it looks through me
like why aren’t I out hunting why am I inside
why isn’t this person my prey
my mouth falls open and I can hear the blood inside little slaughter
she wakes up and stands up and the cat eyes disappear
she asks if I’m comfy
that small word
yes
and no

I lick my paws and little slaughter reads to me off her phone
facts about big cats
she says because of people you’re becoming more and more isolated from one another
she says sorry
she reads chronic stress can result in low reproductive rates when in captivity
she strokes my back and tells me about my characteristic neck bite

I feel more like a person than ever because I’m starting to hate myself

I look around at all the space I have and I think of all the other space in this house and in every house on this street and in all of ellay and I think how the people of my town could be here too
instead of burning in the woods
this is my second room
it’s so much nicer than my first

I don’t belong here either

the baby comes home and cries most of the day and night through our wall
the shouts of slaughter come home too and also the small voice of a woman and when the woman’s small voice happens the shouts of slaughter get softer but only for a short time
we treasure the pauses
in a long pause little slaughter sneaks chicken in to me and I gnaw on a leg and she spends the night telling me about a place called diznee
she tells me she wants to take me
you’d love diznee says little slaughter there’re animals everywhere and all we have to do is jump in a car and get on the freeway and gun it to seventy and we’re there

I close my eyes and pictures appear

I used to want to work at diznee says little slaughter if I worked there I’d be the evil queen but when she’s an old witch and I’d go around and scare kids and shit

I fall asleep and have my first dream since before the fire

when I wake up my body is moving faster than it’s ever moved
gunning it to seventy
my eyes open and the blurry distance stands still but the world right outside the car shoots by at unbelievable speed
my paws are up on the dashboard and I’m sitting in the passenger seat

I turn my head and little slaughter smiles and rubs my back as she drives

I’m so much bigger than her and my body takes up the whole right front of the car
get excited heckit she says we’re on our way to diznee
she lets go of me and grips the wheel
this is the long death from the inside

I look out and think I see the body of the kill sharer but no it’s a bag
other cars pass and people turn their heads and smile and children press their little hands and faces to the glass and scream silently
it’s your birthday little slaughter says you’re turning five and that’s like thirty five in cat years
this is your prime
it’s weirdly quiet in the car like we’re in a bubble protected from the speeding world outside
the world outside slows down and our car goes up in the air and leaves the long death below
here we are says little slaughter
we stop next to a bunch of other cars and she jumps out and runs around and pops open my door and my big body falls out and I’m on all four feet again watching kids and adults and more people than I’ve ever seen swarm out of their cars and make a river of feet moving toward the sunlight
little slaughter claps and I look up and she’s wearing a sparkling blue jumpsuit and ears like a mouse
did she change or
we join the river of feet and we go down moving stairs and a polished sidewalk me running beside her

I smell something so different that it’s hard to describe and as we come to a stop and as the river of people forms a long slow moving line I realize it’s not what I smell it’s what I don’t smell
no one is afraid
we reach a turnstile and I start to walk under it but a woman says wait
little slaughter smiles at the woman and the woman smiles back
is this a service animal asks the woman
yes she’s my emotional support cat says little slaughter and I have her papers right here
she reaches in the pocket of her jumpsuit but the woman says no you’re fine
the woman lifts my paw and presses a small wooden object gently against it
this is your hand stamp for reentry in case you leave the park says the woman
oh we won’t says little slaughter but thanks and she moves my paw and gets her own hand stamped
now a quick picture says the woman and little slaughter turns her face and I hear an electric click from the device
now her turn says the woman and little slaughter grasps my neck and tilts my face up and says smile for the picture heckit and I do I smile
the only time a cat has done that
music and voices are everywhere inside the gates
there are other animals big animals with soft fur and faces and they stand upright and hug and blend in with the people all the people the people with their own ears and hats and bright objects and no one thinks I’m strange at all
and some of the kids come over and pet me and little slaughter lets them and they say she’s beautiful and little slaughter says it’s her birthday and the kids tie a birthday ribbon around my neck and we walk down the wide main street together
there’s a bench beneath a castle and little slaughter sits me down there and says stay

I stay and enjoy my stillness within all the motion around me
as soon as I get hungry food appears
a huge bird leg that little slaughter holds out to me and she has her own and she sits down on the bench and she tears into the fat flesh

I look around and others are eating these big ugly meats too so I slobber and chew and join in
gory gory feasting
so far from scare city
you must be this tall to ride says little slaughter in the reading voice
she stands by a sideways stick in the air and holds her hand out to measure its height
stand up heckit she says and I stand up like the other big animals in diznee and now my neck is above the sideways stick

I’m a good emotional support cat and I’ll be tall for her
perfect says little slaughter and we run to the front of the line and they strap us into a log and water sloshes over the sides and she clutches my back and the ride begins
there’s darkness and color and animals singing and animals being tortured and each time we go over a cliff my stomach slams up into my throat and I feel amazing
when we get off the ride we’re soaked so I shake myself dry and everyone around us screams and enjoys the water raining off me
look heckit there we are says little slaughter and she points to a screen and I see the screen clearly and on it we’re going down the big cliff and little slaughter has her hands up and her hands block the faces of the people in the ride behind us and I look so scared of my own happiness

I love the photos says little slaughter now even if we leave we’ll still be here
we wait in a line surrounded by glowing wooden statues
it reminds me of the forest when I was a kitten when I loved the sunlight and there was more green than there ever would be again
this is worth it says little slaughter it’s my favorite thing in the world
the glowing wooden statues shake and make noise
that one’s the goddess of fire says little slaughter as we step forward
and this one causes earthquakes
she touches a branch and it sings
these trees are alive and fake
the line moves again and little slaughter gets her favorite thing in the world
it’s yellow and cold and she holds one for both of us and licks hers and says mmmm and holds mine out for me but she holds it up high and says okay heckit if you want this you have to stand up again and stay standing and I do what she says again and like magic I’m fully upright licking too

I’m taller than little slaughter now
we walk through more forests fake and real and out into a fantasy
and the day fades to night and the lights come on at the castle and more transformation happens

I look at her and she looks at me and she’s no longer in a jumpsuit and mouse ears no she’s changed again when I wasn’t looking and she’s wearing a dark dress and a jeweled crown

I’m on two legs and it feels permanent
a person in a cat suit
my paws drop to my sides and they’re ready to grasp
little slaughter says I’m the queen now the evil queen and you’re my emotional support goddess
we pass a line of people shuffling like there’s something great at the end and as we get to the end I see a throne and a sofa at the top of some stairs and I know the throne is for little slaughter and the sofa is for me
up there is where we belong
at the top of the stairs we take our places
little slaughter seated and clutching the arms of the throne like she was born there and me sprawled out the whole length of the sofa scratching its fabric and licking my paws to a regal polish
the people at the front of the line come to us and pose
a photographer flashes picture after picture and everyone who comes up and stands with us smiles because they know that the photos mean even after they leave they’ll still be here
the line moves but stays just as large and it stretches into the distance and for once I can see the distance instead of the usual blur and I can see all the way over the diznee buildings and across the faraway lights of ellay and I can see the dark mountains below the hollywood sign where I think I must be must be asleep and dreaming this
because how
more flashes come from the camera and more smiles come from the people assembled around us
the birthday ribbon around my neck swells and I want to speak
so I do
at the sound of my voice the stairs shift and start to move forward
the throne and sofa are now the top of a parade float
costumed animals appear and begin the parade and our float follows
our people below part to both sides of the wide street and they cheer and take their own pictures and wave their huge bird legs and twirl their shining sticks
pinks and reds like sparks of blood and thought
our people shower us with cheers as we reach the end of the main street and I see the exit and think no no don’t let it be over
the float slowly turns around so we can face back the way we came
look up says little slaughter look all the way up

I tilt my spinning head back
fireworks
the fireworks explode in the shape of little slaughter’s face and explode in the shape of my face and in the night sky we’re smiling exactly like we smiled in the photos they took at the turnstiles

I look at little slaughter’s real face lit up by her firework face and she rubs my head
a storm of eyes is on us from our people below

I lift my goddess paw and wave at them and they all wave back
we’re here heckit we made it says little slaughter we’re in the happiest place on earth
our sky faces fall apart and rain down and leave smoke

the scream that fills my ears lets me know that I’m waking up for real
diznee is gone and I’m back in little slaughter’s room
a woman stands in the doorway and she’s making the scream
she gasps and then she is quieter than I thought a person could be
she holds a big sucking machine on the floor and it makes a big sucking sound
until she slides it at me fast and hard and it knocks the table next to my sofa and stops making a sucking sound and the lamp falls off onto the carpet and breaks into pieces

I look at the woman and she is frozen like she’s expecting me to move first
to indulge her I lick a paw
clean and peaceful
she runs away and I hear more of her screams and I feel powerful and also guilty as fuck

I look at the lamp in pieces on the floor

I can’t fix this

I have no idea what it’s like to be a person and to be confronted with a me
the carpet is ruined already by the shards of lamp so I get down off my sofa and scratch and scratch at it and try to claw words into the floor to explain myself
but when I climb back onto the sofa and look down at my work it’s jagged strips with no order or meaning
someday I’ll be able to write what you’re reading
maybe in santa fey with little slaughter
telling every word to her
or on the other side of the world from the burning hills
in new york with a therapist
maybe I’ll write it from an okay future a future where I’m safe
or maybe it won’t ever get written
only growled
little slaughter enters the room and the room feels right again with her in it
but she is acting wrong
shit shit she says I’m so sorry heckit I forgot that marie comes mondays fuck
she sits on the sofa and I jump up and lay out and put my head in her lap and she pets me for a sec before standing and leaving me for her drawers
okay okay we’re just gonna have to go to santa fey early she says

I can see the decision in her eyes and in the way she grabs a bag and unzips it and tears open every drawer and stuffs clothes and shoes into the bag
what do you need heckit you need food lots of food okay okay little slaughter says and each word gets faster as it comes out
she comes back over to me and puts her forehead to my forehead
you didn’t do anything bad she says you’re perfect I just fucked up
there’s the sound of a car outside and little slaughter freezes like marie froze when she saw me
her tiny fear voice says dad’s home
this is slaughter the man not just slaughter the voice
but his voice came in with him and it fills the room
jane get back he says to little slaughter and grabs her and pulls her toward the door and she throws him off and comes back to me and he yells goddammit do what I say
slaughter is smaller than I expected and he has only a little bit of hair on his head and the little bit of hair he has is white
he’s holding a long smooth stick in one fist and he points it at me
get away from it he yells jane come over here
little slaughter puts her hands on her hips and doesn’t move
he slams the door and locks it behind him and says beth is calling the cops jane this is serious you need to come over here with me
the air in the room is hot with slaughter here
it’s a cougar jane he says it’s a goddamn cougar
is that what I am
the door jiggles and bangs
slaughter flattens his body against it and he checks that it’s locked
a woman’s voice comes from behind the door shouting what’s going on jack I just saw marie take off
did you call the cops slaughter yells at the door and the door yells call them and tell them what
just go be with the baby yells slaughter and then he turns to little slaughter and says jesus jane the baby the baby’s here
little slaughter stays still and I stay still with her and we could be a picture we’re so not moving
slaughter looks around the room and sees the broken lamp and the mess of drawers and he says the first quiet thing I’ve heard him say he says why is your suitcase out
you wanna have a baby dad fine yells little slaughter you wanna date a baby fine but I get a fucking baby too

I’m not the problem now yells slaughter you are the problem now this is the problem
he points the stick at me and I notice his throat
look shouts little slaughter she’s mine she’s okay
slaughter holds the stick with both hands and steps forward
little slaughter holds her hands out flat in front of her like it will add to her power
she’s not gonna bite me says little slaughter
she puts her head by my mouth and I don’t bite her
she’s not gonna claw me
she lifts my paw up to her side and I don’t claw her and she lets go and I drop my paw and dangle it off the sofa in the least scary way I can
she won’t even move

I don’t even move
slaughter’s hands turn purple he’s gripping the stick hard

I try to purr and it comes out wrong

I’m so good but things don’t get better
how long have you had this in the house jane
forever dad for fucking ever
jane get over here
what
jane this isn’t okay
dad put the bat away you don’t need it she’s good
you keep saying she she what the hell jane
yeah dad this is heckit she’s mine and I’m hers

I can see its goddamn dick
fuck you
jane
fuck that and fuck you dad
little slaughter rushes forward and unlocks the door and slaughter runs to stop her and lets the stick fall to his side and little slaughter is gone and another person replaces her in the doorway and says jack what the fuck is going on with your daughter
beth wait says slaughter
the new woman sees me and of course the new woman freezes everyone freezes or runs those are the two things everyone does except for little slaughter and I want her in here but she’s not here where did she go
jack it’s the mountain lion says the new woman what says slaughter it’s theee mountain lion you haven’t read about it it lives in the park
is this fame
well now it’s fucking here says slaughter and the woman says jack we have a baby and then the woman does the other thing that everyone does she runs
slaughter raises the stick again but he steps backward instead of forward and reaches out a hand to grip the doorknob and starts to slowly close the door
a scream happens
jack shouts the woman from down the hall jack where’s the baby the baby’s gone
slaughter runs after her down the hall and takes his shouting with him

I have a moment to think
after searching my head I don’t have any thoughts and I use my eyes and I look over at the reflection on the closet doors
in the room inside the glass I see an unplugged sucking machine on its side

I see a shattered lamp on the floor

I see rips in the carpet from claws

I see an open suitcase and drawers pulled out

I see the green blur of trees behind the sofa

I see a circle of stones and cards and candles

I see myself

I see myself
it’s time to leave
little slaughter runs back in with a full backpack and slams the door and locks it
she runs to me and holds me tight
don’t worry heckit she says the baby’s fine I just moved his little bed thing into the laundry room so we’ve got like fifteen minutes till they find him but he’s good he’s got his little binky and everything

I don’t worry about the baby
little slaughter stuffs one more pile of clothes into her suitcase and throws the backpack over her shoulder
she jingles keys at me like it’s a game
it’s not a game
here we go she says and she runs to the glass wall behind the sofa and pushes it to the side and pats her leg and I go over to her
she gestures for me to move forward and I do
there’s nothing between me and the outside

I’m stretched across the back seat and little slaughter is driving

I have some room back here
stay down says little slaughter stay down for now okay

I feel the car speeding and turning and turning
then we stop and I almost roll off the seat and I claw my way back up to sitting
shit says little slaughter and the car moves very slowly stopping and starting and it’s not at all like the speed of my diznee dream
the car is a quiet bubble though and I enjoy the quiet after the screaming and running and breaking in the slaughter house
traffic it’s traffic heckit she says it’s going to take us a while to get out of this and hit the freeway
little slaughter drums her fingers on the steering wheel and the car edges forward

I can see her reflection and her eyes are angry and afraid but smiling at me
she says now we’re stuck here getting cancer like everybody else
when we come to a full stop again little slaughter takes her hands off the wheel and grabs a bag and rips it open and turns around in her seat and pours chunks of dried meat out in front of me

I eat them
good girl says little slaughter
it’s nice to be fed and praised at the same time

I wish you could talk back to me says little slaughter and she faces forward and the car moves again and she keeps talking
fucking rush owwer of course clear keep it says on the street clear and then keep in that order when you’re going slow that’s how I always read it

I nod but I don’t know what she’s talking about and she meets my eyes again in the reflection and she watches me swallow and reaches back and touches my leg
say something she says please heckit I’m not talking to myself for this entire drive so just say something

I want to

I open my mouth
okay fuck this says little slaughter we’re going through the neighborhood
she turns the wheel and we speed right and for a moment we’re going faster but then we stop again and little slaughter bangs a hand on the steering wheel and sinks her head against it
she turns and caresses my back and I can feel her frustration in every pet
really stay down now heckit there’s people everywhere here I’m sorry but you have to stay down and don’t look out

I love her and I’m thankful for the time we’ve spent together
whether she summoned me or I found her

I’m excited for her image of our future
a life far away

I let her pet me harder than I want to be petted
and I listen close when she says stay down stay down
but when she lets go and looks away I do the opposite
from inside the car I see all the people
some walk and some sit and they all hold phones and tap on them
and at the tables that take up most of the sidewalk across the street the people drink and eat and talk and don’t talk
there is a lot going on but all I see is one person alone at a table in the middle of all the tables and it’s a person I know
it’s a neck I know
the man with the whip

I watch his neck that familiar neck but I also watch his hands they move up and down as he eats and I think of how easily those hands can make fire and how easily that fire can destroy tents and a town and burn a forest
every person sitting and walking has hands too and I see all their hands and I know what their hands can do and what their hands would do and the violence waiting behind every motion

I learn something new

I learn I can open a car door

on quiet midnights back in the caves I could almost imagine that all the people were gone
canyons cleared of their footsteps and voices and cars
the long deaths standing still
trees expanding and their green swallowing the buildings and returning the original smells
returning what’s needed

I could see myself leaving the park and walking through an empty ellay
slow and safe with all the other animals
back to the deep forest and the forever water and the sun setting
people can’t see it but I can
their end makes everything okay
scare city isn’t scare city with no one around to say its name

I open the car door and jump out onto the street and it’s only a street only a short death and I cross it quickly with the cars all stopped
when I reach the man with the whip there are fewer people because they’ve dropped their bags and kicked their chairs and run away
but the man with the whip doesn’t see me until I’m in leaping distance
and so I leap and my claws connect with his chest and I knock him back and he falls out of his chair and his face hits the sidewalk and his nose sprays blood
he rolls over and looks up and I’m pinning him down
where’s your whip now I think where’s your fire
his neck vein bulges like a wish come true

I can smell his blood on the pavement and I’m not at all hungry
this is not about need
no this is want
it’s a terrible choice but I’m making it
just like a person
my teeth tear into his neck tear right through the vein and my jaws clamp and twist and do what they’re meant to do and his body cracks under my weight and he stops moving
his blood fills my stomach
warm rain

I look up and my head clears and I remember little slaughter
she’s the only person outside and she’s standing in the middle of the street by her open car doors
her eyes are on my eyes and
my eyes shoot fireworks
she sees the dead man and she sees that I made him that way and her fists clench and she shudders like an earthquake
we meet for the first time
hello little slaughter
this is what a goddess looks like
she steps back and slams the door that I opened and she gives me one last glance

I would only slow you down little slaughter
you’ve got so many miles to go
she gets in the front seat and shuts the door
good girl

I look down at the man with the whip who is now the man with no whip and no life

I look down at his open throat
his hands aren’t hands anymore they’re just useless hunks of white
little slaughter starts the car

I’m letting her go
there’s blood all over my body
my mother would be so proud
little slaughter’s car finds an opening and she speeds away
a big car sound replaces her little car sound in the air
many cars and their mechanical howls coming closer and
then I hear the sky sound I remember from the mountain a fucking helicopter
not a rescue chopper to carry me somewhere safe
but the kind that circles close and blinds with its light

I hear the whirring and it gets louder than the cars and I know the sound is coming for me and the people inside the sound are coming for me
there’s nowhere to go

I’m done with thickets and caves and rooms and I’m sick of being outside

I step away from my prey
his thick empty body is too heavy to hide

I’m only sorry I didn’t get to eat all of you
the howling cars form a mess in the street
lights swirl everywhere
padded people leave the cars and surround me and point long objects
these aren’t sticks
they shout so loud at one another that I can’t tell what they’re saying

I can’t listen anymore
the fucking helicopter’s whirring is right above us and the padded people look up and then look back at me and what I see in their eyes is what they see in mine
a threat

I retract my claws and try to become the kitten at the center of my self
maybe the padded people know why I did what I did
maybe they understand

I say something
it sounds like words
it’s not what they want to hear

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Ferocious gratitude:

To Kate Durbin, without whom I wouldn’t know Los Angeles in all of its kaleidoscopic chaos, and Emma Rathbone, who helped this book find its champions.

To Jim Rutman, Szilvia Molnar, Brooke Ehrlich, and the amazing team at Sterling Lord Literistic, for making a lifelong dream come true.

To Lee, who called heckit by name, and Millicent, who didn’t eat the rat.

To Johanna Hedva (“do not fuck with my syntax”) and Katherine Faw (“just the best ones”), for guiding me through a whirlwind.

To Jackson Howard and Gillian Fitzgerald-Kelly, who brought this animal out of the wilderness, and everyone at MCD / Farrar, Straus and Giroux and Picador. I worship you.

To the wondrous friends, collaborators, and colleagues who supported me all these weird years of leaving, staying put, and returning as a fictional beast. We know who we are.

To my family, for y’all’s constant care in uncaring times.

To Malcolm, for all my stored-up souls.

To Merkel, magical navigatrix on our life’s journey through art. Love beyond all words. You’re my favorite writer, and my favorite human.

This book is for P-22, who walks beside me in dreams, and Jane, who turned the pages.

ALSO BY HENRY HOKE

Sticker

The Groundhog Forever

Genevieves

The Book of Endless Sleepovers

A Note About the Author

Henry Hoke is an editor at The Offing and a writer whose work has appeared in No Tokens, Triangle House Review, Electric Literature, and the flash noir anthology Tiny Crimes. He co-created the performance series Enter>text in Los Angeles and has taught at CalArts and the UVA Young Writers Workshop. He lives in New York City. You can sign up for email updates here.

CONTENTS

1. Title Page
2. Copyright Notice
3. Epigraph
4. Begin Reading
5. Acknowledgments
6. Also by Henry Hoke
7. A Note About the Author
8. Copyright

MCD

Farrar, Straus and Giroux

120 Broadway, New York 10271

Copyright © 2023 by Henry Hoke

All rights reserved

First edition, 2023

Ebook ISBN: 978-0-374-60988-7

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