Meditate Yourself Happy: Change Your Mood With 10 Minutes of Daily Meditation
Author: Fiona Lamb
Date: 2023-01-19 14:54:25+00:00
Keywords: Body; Mind & Spirit; Mindfulness & Meditation; Self-Help; Personal Growth; Happiness
Description: With Meditate Yourself Happy , learn to choose the thoughts you pay attention to. Because by changing the way you think, you can change the way you feel and subsequently change your life. Meditation is not an unachievable state; this book will teach you how to harness its transformative power to heal your body and mind by reducing stress, controlling anxiety, promoting emotional health, enhancing self-awareness and improving your overall wellbeing. Through easy and accessible exercises that are organized by mood and range from 5–10 minutes, discover how small shifts can lead to big changes. So
Publisher: Hardie Grant

Contents

Introduction

The Benefits of Meditation

The Law of Attraction

How to Use This Book

HAPPY

RELAXED

CALM

MOTIVATED

HEALTHY

POSITIVE

SUCCESSFUL

CONFIDENT

LOVED

MINDFUL

FOCUSED

Final Thoughts

Acknowledgements

Index

Copyright Page

Introduction

Welcome to Meditate Yourself Happy. I am so excited to be writing this book and teaching you how you can take control of your thoughts and, ultimately, your life.

Most people I speak to about meditation say they have tried it and failed, but what if I told you there is no right or wrong way to meditate? I truly believe everyone can meditate. Our minds are our most beneficial asset and when used in the correct way you will be surprised at what changes can be made through meditation. Every thought we have leads to a feeling and those feelings lead to actions. And so, having power over your thoughts is the key to making any major shifts in your life. If you always have the same thoughts, you will keep getting the same results. You will also keep acting and reacting in the same way.

We all have times when we feel powerless, and so I have put together some tools and techniques to help you realise that you – and only you – hold all the power to change your way of thinking and, ultimately, your life.

I have worked as a hypnotherapist in London’s Harley Street for nearly 10 years, helping people work with their unconscious minds and guiding them into certain ways of thinking. I have worked with thousands of clients, from millionaires and celebrities to overworked mums, and what I have found is that we are all the same: we all want to feel safe, secure, loved and happy. And any blocks that prevent us from feeling this way only exist in our unconscious mind, in our imagination. So, whenever we feel fearful, anxious, worried or out of control it is our imagination working against us rather than to our advantage.

There are many types of meditation, but I like to call this form a creative mind method as we engage the unconscious thinking on a deeper level. This practice teaches you to utilise your imagination and the creative part of the mind in a more productive and beneficial way by using a range of visualisations, metaphors and affirmations while in a relaxed state. I want to teach you these techniques in this book, so you can develop a level of self-awareness and understanding much earlier than I did.

I spent my late teens and twenties suffering from anxiety, which resulted in chronic insomnia and constantly feeling on edge, as if there was something wrong with me. This was at a time when no one talked about mental health; it was a taboo topic, and wellness books (as we now know them) were found in the shameful ‘self-help’ section in bookstores. I was modelling and travelling the world with no real structure in my life. After trying everything, I turned to self-hypnosis recordings to help me sleep as I moved from one hotel room to the next and to ease the anxiety I faced working in such an industry. Those recordings, as well as helping me to work through my limiting beliefs on an unconscious level, benefited me immensely and were the only things that seemed to work. This inspired me to help others and led me to train as a hypnotherapist.

It took me a few years to fully appreciate the correlation between meditation as a daily practice and the hypnotherapy work that I was doing with clients. Other than listening to a recording before bed, I had never actively sat down with the intention of clearing my mind (I’m a bit of a doer and like to make things happen, so the thought of sitting down and doing nothing seemed ridiculous to me). However, one day I was overwhelmingly stressed and as I sat and focused on my breathing I went into the same state I would enter while in a hypnosis session and was able to see my problem from a totally different point of view and work on it at a deeper level.

So, I kept meditating. I found that the more peace I created inside my mind, the more peace this led to externally. It became easier to access a meditative state and meditation turned into an enjoyable part of my day. I began to give my clients ‘meditation homework’ in between our sessions, which accelerated their progress and helped them to improve all areas of their lives. Meditating gives you a constant in life when everything else around you is inevitably changing.

With Meditate Yourself Happy, I want you to enjoy the same benefits. I want you to use this book as a support tool and to empower you to take control of your own mind. Changes won’t happen overnight but be patient with yourself and be confident that you can have the life you want and become the person you wish to be.

The more peace I created inside, the more peace this led to externally.

The Benefits of Meditation

The process of meditating can feel daunting; however, I want you to think of it as sitting or lying down, taking a moment to yourself and moving your attention away from automatic thought processes. When people say they struggle to meditate, they usually mean they find it difficult to let go, relax or sit still. There is a big misconception that we need to clear our minds altogether, but that’s not the case. We simply gain awareness of which repetitive thoughts are trying to gain our attention and try to avoid thinking, leading to more thinking.

Very often, our minds like to wander into the realm of ‘what-ifs’, thinking about what we should or could be doing, or predicting worst-case scenarios. Some people’s imaginations are more active than others, some create more stories around events than others, and some have to break down more resistance than others. Logically, we all know how we want to act, react, think and feel, so what prevents us being happy and having the life we want? The answer is quite simply our creativity – the ideas we have built around how we see ourselves, the world around us and others all exist in the unconscious part of our mind. So, when we enter a relaxed brain state through meditation, we are able to break down old ways of thinking and any limitations we have created for ourselves. If your mind creates a problem, then it can also find the solution.

We have four main brain states which we go in and out of all the time. Beta is normal, everyday awareness; Alpha is when we are slightly more relaxed, reflective and zoned out; Theta is where deep relaxation occurs; and Delta is what we experience when we sleep. In meditation we are aiming to achieve a Theta level of awareness, somewhere between daydreaming and dozing, when your mind is still engaged. People may try and make changes in the normal, everyday state (Beta), but when we are busy and stressed this is the least likely time we can change anything since the brain is in a protective, defensive mode.

There is a saying that you can’t see your reflection in running water; this is because when we are in an everyday brain state the mind is running on autopilot. Our mind’s goal is to keep us alive, so if certain ways of thinking have worked so far, then the same patterns will keep repeating and we’ll continue to have the same experiences. In other words, your ways of thinking up until this point have been designed to keep you safe, not happy. Meditation simply breaks this cycle. It’s almost like a reset button, and the more you practise, the more you will notice the benefits. These include a calmer mind, a deeper level of self-awareness, mental clarity for better decision making, responding to situations rather than reacting on impulses, improved stress management, an increase in creativity, an ability to manage emotions, more compassion for and patience with others, increased focus and concentration, higher productivity and performance rates, improved physical health and better sleep.

Meditation isn’t magic, a religion or based on anything spiritual. Instead, it is a means of calming and quietening the mind, so we enter a different brain state. Science has shown that our brains change while we are in a meditative state. Focusing our attention inwards activates our prefrontal cortex, allowing us to gain more balance and perspective.

Regular practice has been found to strengthen high-functioning areas of the brain. Through neuroplasticity we can gain the ability to reorganise our thoughts, creating and improving neural pathways. It has also been found that happy hormones are released by very simple but effective mental training. It's something we all have the ability to do and you can start right now.

The Law of Attraction

I am a big believer in the Law of Attraction, a theory which suggests like attracts like. Our thoughts create energy which manifests experiences. You can therefore create your own reality by choosing deliberate ways of thinking.

Dr David R. Hawkins, a renowned psychiatrist and spiritual teacher, developed an energy scale for our levels of consciousness known as the Map of Consciousness®, with shame, guilt, grief and fear appearing at the lower ends. When we experience these low-energy thoughts, we do not feel like taking any action, instead feeling powerless to our current situation. Above these emotions are anger, desire and pride. These feelings tend to trigger compulsive behaviour and can lead to hyperactivity. As we move up the scale, we gain courage and neutrality. Then come willingness, acceptance and reason. This is when we take control of our lives, no longer feel like a victim and are able to operate at a greater level of performance.

At the top of the scale are love, joy and peace, which is when our energetic vibration is at its highest. At this level life flows easily, extraordinary outcomes are possible, and the Law of Attraction will help us manifest our deepest desires.

I believe that when we meditate, we’re able to raise our consciousness to override the thoughts that cause low-energy vibrations, which naturally moves us up the scale. Sometimes in life it can be difficult to find positive feelings, so it is far easier and more beneficial to clear away unwanted thoughts so we don't stay in the negative emotion for too long. Nothing miraculous happens when you first sit down and redirect your attention away from these thoughts, especially if you have been operating at a lower vibrational frequency for a long time.

Simply put, you don’t attract what you want in life, you attract what your emotions are a match to. We keep unconsciously bringing experiences into our life that replicate the feelings we are familiar with. By deliberately changing our feelings on a consistent basis to be in alignment with what we want, the conditions around us will also begin to change. As we meditate we are essentially practising how we want to feel so we begin to expect what we want to come to us. The Law of Attraction mirrors what we expect and feel fully worthy of. Meditation has a cumulative effect so the more you do it, the bigger shifts you will see.

You do have control over your life, and making time for your mental health will be the greatest investment you ever make.

Our thoughts create energy which manifests experiences.

How to Use This Book

This book is divided into 11 different moods, creating a mood menu. Every day I want you to choose how you would like to feel from this menu and perform one or all of the mediation exercises in that section to help bring you into your desired state.

Each mood includes easy and accessible exercises, ranging in length from five to 10 minutes (although you can meditate for longer than this if you wish), and affirmations, and will teach you how to harness the transformative power of meditation. You can use a timer when meditating, although this isn’t essential. Also, if you are a beginner, you may find it helpful to meditate for shorter periods of time to start with and then extend this as you become more experienced. Every time you practise, you are changing your thought process and your well-being. Remember, this is meditation practice, not meditation perfect: an Olympic swimmer would not expect to progress without training, so this is simply the same thing, just with your mind.

Before beginning any of the exercises, it’s a good idea to create a meditation station. Somewhere you can go each time you meditate – an area or zone that you associate with taking time for you. You can sit or lie down, whichever is most comfortable. You might use a cushion, pillow or perhaps a yoga mat if you meditate on the floor. You can play music if this works for you; however, there is something very powerful about silence, especially as our instinct is to fill these spaces with words or tasks. It can be beneficial to read the exercise through a few times first to familiarise yourself with what is involved or even record yourself reading the exercise out loud, so you can fully engage in the meditation without interrupting the process to read the directions. You can also ask someone you trust to read them slowly to you.

The affirmations can be used as a quick reference tool at any time. You may find it beneficial to read them to yourself after your meditation to consolidate new ideas. Beliefs are compounded with repetition. Feel free to add your own to the list.

There may be concepts or ideas that don’t work for you. Take what does and leave what doesn’t. Everyone is different and only you know what you need.

I can’t wait to get started on this journey with you …

EXERCISE

Let’s Begin

This introductory exercise is designed to teach you that you are more powerful than your thoughts and to create space and distance from them. You will discover how to use the breath as a tool and a constant anchor in your practice, creating a strong foundation upon which to build new ways of thinking.

Make yourself comfortable sitting or lying down, then with your eyes closed I want you to become aware of your breathing. Don’t try to change your breath or force it. Just notice its natural rhythm. With your mouth closed you may sense, feel and hear your breath flowing in and out of your nose as your stomach moves up and down.

We tend to hold tension in three key points, our jaw, shoulders and stomach, so make sure all these areas are relaxed.

Thoughts will start to come into your mind. This is normal. I want you to imagine any thoughts like clouds, not following them or judging them, just letting them pass by.

These clouds may create a softness in your mind as you slowly bring your focus back to the flow of your breath. It may not feel like you are doing anything at all, but as you do this you have already started to break down and interrupt old thought patterns.

Do this practice for 5–10 minutes, depending on how much time you have – the longer, the better. Your mind may be busy, especially as you begin, but that’s okay. Remember, there is no right or wrong way to do this exercise, and even if you get one moment of relief from thinking, shifts will occur. Meditation isn’t prescriptive and everyone experiences it differently, so let go of any pressure to get it right or do it perfectly.

Happy

Happiness is the one thing we all want, and many people spend a lifetime trying to find. When we are happy, we feel more at peace with ourselves and the world. We feel as if life is working out for us and things are going ‘right’. We are optimistic that there are good things on the way for us. Happy people tend to be in control of their emotions and they are able to self-regulate and see life as an enjoyable game in which they are the main player.

There are many things that stop us from being happy, but feeling powerless and comparing ourselves to others are the main thieves of joy. Feelings of hopelessness, holding onto old emotions and wishing things could be different can dominate our internal thought processes.

The key to finding fulfilment and optimism is to let go of what we think our lives should look like and stop focusing on what we don’t have. Instead, we should concentrate our attention on what we do have. We often think happiness is something we need to strive for. Everything we ever do in life we do because we think it will make us happy, but happiness cannot be found in a new house, a new car, new clothes, a new job or a new relationship. Although hope for a future we want can really accelerate our happiness, the feelings of joy must come from within, otherwise they can so easily be taken away. Happiness isn’t something you chase; it’s something you choose. It isn’t the absence of problems, but how you deal with them.

‘Happiness is a direction, not a place.’ – Sydney J. Harris

Meditation helps us become present, releasing the past and any expectations of the future. As I mentioned earlier, the mind has designed strategies to help us cope with past experiences and we need to assure it that it’s safe to let go of these old ways of thinking. When we do this, we stop projecting our past onto the future, and we claim our natural right to be happy.

‘If you want to be happy, do not dwell in the past, do not worry about the future, focus on living fully in the present.’ – Roy T. Bennett

EXERCISE

The Happy Film

This exercise is designed to help you shift your identity and how you see yourself in the world, as well as show you how to open your mind to new ideas. As you learn to play with your imagination, you will begin to realise that anything is possible.

Make yourself comfortable sitting or lying down, then close your eyes and bring your attention to your breath.

When you feel your mental clutter clear slightly, I want you to imagine that you are sitting in front of a very large TV screen.

Now imagine seeing the happiest version of yourself on that screen. No external circumstances need to change; just with everything you have right now, see yourself having more fun, feeling light-hearted and not taking anything personally. See yourself on this screen as if it were a movie and you have the main role.

Ask yourself: What do I need to believe to be this person? What do I need to let go of? Who do I need to let off the hook? Do I need to forgive myself? What do I know now that I didn’t know before? What decisions would I make? What actions would I take?

Holding onto any feelings this exercise creates in you, when you feel ready or the timer goes off, bring your awareness back to the here and now, knowing that you are the director and the rest of the movie is yours to dictate.

Forgiveness

A key component of happiness is forgiveness. We often have ties to different people and situations from our past that keep us stuck in negative cycles of destructive thinking. This can have a detrimental effect not only on our mental well-being, but also on our physical health.

Forgiveness does not mean what was done or said in the past was right, nor does it mean you have to forget it entirely. Whatever the situation brought to you was meant to teach you something, and therefore you need to understand the lesson being taught so that you don’t repeat the same patterns. Instead of asking yourself why this has happened to you, ask yourself what it is trying to teach you. Sometimes the same lesson will keep coming up in your life, just in different forms until you figure it out.

Forgiving those who have hurt us does not mean we give away our power, or that we’re losing out. In order to move forward, we must let go of any grudges or hurts we are holding onto. Letting angry and painful thoughts control you is only going to cause you sadness, no one else. Finding peace is for your benefit only. Essentially you are reclaiming your power, and this doesn’t involve letting anyone else even know. If you consider how hard it is to change yourself, then it is easier to see that others will never change and we need to reach this deeper level of acceptance and understanding. Other people are only able to operate through their level of awareness of the world and through their own fears and doubts, so we should never take things personally. Learn to let people off the hook. For the sake of your own happiness, you need to learn to do this, or others will always hold some form of power over you.

Sometimes we also need to forgive ourselves. Appreciating that you have only ever done your best with all the knowledge and resources available to you helps you realise you cannot have made a mistake if it helped you to grow in some way. You would not be who you are today without your past, so let go of the desire to change any of your experiences.

When we simply let go, we allow our thoughts and emotions to rise naturally up the levels of consciousness. Release the pain and the need to feel any pain, as you learn that you are worthy of joy and feeling good.

Gratitude

Where attention goes, energy flows! Gratitude is the easiest and quickest way to focus on what we do have and provoke feel-good thoughts. There have been many studies linking the practice of gratitude to a sense of optimism, happiness and overall well-being. You cannot experience fear or negativity and feel grateful at the same time – the two cannot coexist. Every time you decide to redirect your attention, you are choosing to care about how you feel. When you do this in a relaxed, meditative state the results are accelerated, and you quickly raise your vibration.

Searching for things to be grateful for helps us appreciate how far we have come and reminds us we have survived all our bad days. If you have felt low and depressed for some time, you really need to shift your focus away from dissatisfaction to feelings of appreciation. Even on the worst of days we can always find something to be grateful for.

Changing your mindset by proactively being grateful on a daily basis will affect how you interact with the world and the experiences and opportunities that are presented to you. Focusing on the good will bring more good for you to focus on. We must actively prioritise happiness, and we do this by realising that it truly is in our hands. We have control over the thoughts we pay attention to and how we choose to interpret our experiences. In meditation we learn to observe the thoughts that are holding us back, see things from a different perspective and let them go. Remember, our external world is an extension of our inner world. We must find that sense of contentment and happiness inside and begin to look at life through a lens of gratitude and optimism on a deep, rather than superficial, level.

It’s important not to force yourself to be happy, however. We all have bad days and it’s completely normal to feel down sometimes – the trick is not to let your mood overwhelm or define you. A bad day does not mean a bad life. I love the expression ‘a flower doesn’t bloom all year round’. No one is happy all the time and if we were we wouldn’t appreciate feelings of happiness so much when they do arise. Happiness can also be a gradual state that develops over time, and one day you suddenly realise you are fine and that everything will be okay.

One day you will just feel like you again.

EXERCISE

An Attitude of Gratitude

This exercise is designed to help shift your focus away from everything you don’t have to all the good things you do.

Make yourself comfortable sitting or lying down, then close your eyes and bring your attention to the gentle, natural flow of your breath.

Slowly focus on your breathing as it moves in and out of your body. Let go of any cares or worries, making every out breath a mini sigh of relief. Allow your breathing to soften as your muscles soften, and so too do your thoughts.

Feel grateful for this moment. Slide into the relaxation with every breath. No analysing or evaluating, just be in the here and now.

In a relaxed state, send out a mental invitation to everything you can say thank you for.

Say thank you for this day, and for every moment that has led to this day. Feel thankful for the hard times, as they help you grow. Be thankful for having the courage to get through the hard times. Be grateful for all the lessons you have had and everything you have learnt. Feel grateful.

Feel grateful for all the love in your life. For everyone around you who is loving and kind. Feel supported and grateful for any kindness that has been shown to you. Be thankful to those people who have taught you lessons, those who have taught you patience. Be grateful.

Take a moment to be grateful for everything around you now. The food you have, the air you breathe and every opportunity you have been given. Say thank you for those small blessings every single day. Be thankful.

Feel more loving, grounded and connected to others. Forgive small things easily as you are grateful for people just the way they are. Be grateful for your health. Be grateful for your eyes to see and ears to hear. Feel thankful to your body and everything it does for you every single day. Just show thanks.

Know, trust and believe you deserve happiness. Be grateful every day for your small blessings. You can be grateful for the person you are and everything you have achieved and everything you will achieve in the future. Be grateful for your learning and growing. Be thankful for your mental strength.

Search for those good things every single day. The more you do this the easier it gets. Feel happier every day in every way. Choose to see the good in every day.

When you feel ready or the timer goes off, open your eyes, then spend the rest of the day finding small things to say thank you for.

Happy Affirmations

Happiness is completely available to me.

I am grateful for all that I have.

Today I look for possibilities, rather than problems.

I hold the key to my own happiness.

Happiness is my natural state of being.

I am worthy of a happy life.

I am choosing happiness.

Every day is filled with happiness.

I give myself permission to do things that bring me joy.

I attract good things into my life.

Relaxed

Relaxation is truly essential for our bodies and minds. So many of us feel guilty for resting and relaxing, but when we give ourselves time to recharge it leaves us feeling refreshed and renewed, so we’re able to reach our full potential.

The benefits of relaxation include lowered blood pressure, improved digestion and reduced muscle tension and pain. Relaxation boosts blood circulation to the brain, which gives us improved focus. We also gain greater clarity on situations in our lives and have more capacity for imagination and creativity because relaxation rests the problem-solving part of our mind.

Society has taught us that we must be in a constant state of ‘go, go, go’ in order to be successful. But we can’t keep our foot on the gas pedal all the time, and the idea that we must keep going because relaxing is somehow lazy or indicates we’re not working hard enough is simply not true. We can actually achieve more in less time if we learn to prioritise taking some time out.

Burnout

‘The time to relax is when you don’t have time for it.’ – Sydney J. Harris

Being constantly on the go will eventually lead to burnout, which can leave us feeling emotionally and physically drained, helpless and defeated. Neglecting our own well-being in this way can have a detrimental impact on all areas of our lives. If, for example, we put all our energy and effort into our work life, this can eventually lead to problems in our personal relationships and even with our health. Those who reach the point of burnout can feel as if everyone else’s needs are more important than their own and their worth can get tied up in helping others; they feel bad for saying no and for making time for themselves.

What primarily prevents us from stopping and resting is the belief that we aren’t enough: we are not doing enough and we need to achieve more. But this means we are living with unrealistic expectations. Continuously pushing ourselves to be better and work harder will ultimately have a negative effect on our success and happiness. Instead, we need to actively make time for our own personal needs and for self-care.

Patience

Having patience is paramount when it comes to relaxation. Good things take time. If you imagine two cars crashing together, the one that was going faster will inevitably sustain much more damage than the one going at a slower pace. When we come to unknown parts of the road we need to learn to slow down and take our time, not speed up. This will help us make fewer mistakes and lead to greater life satisfaction and happiness.

Meditation helps us to slow down and observe those racing thoughts, take a step back and be at peace with where we are right now. Releasing the expectations we have placed on ourselves, other people and situations, and knowing that no one moment will ever be the same again, helps us connect to a deeper level of stability.

Inner peace is the greatest power we have. From a place of peace and contentment we can be more productive, as our judgement is less clouded by unnecessary thoughts. This eventually enables us to attract better outcomes because we make fewer fear-based decisions. Bringing patience into our lives gives us permission to slow down and the stability and strength to face any challenges we may encounter.

Gaining inner peace and finding a new level of power isn’t something you need to learn; they already exist when you simply let go. When we know, trust and believe that everything can be solved, we gain a new sense of confidence in our abilities. Life is just a series of problems that need to be solved; it’s how we approach these problems that defines our mood and how we feel. Problems are rarely solved when our bodies are in a state of stress and unease.

When you find peace, you also gain inner power because you know that you have nothing to prove. The old saying ‘You cannot pour from an empty cup’ is true. When you are rested and happy – and making a conscious effort to fill your own cup first – others around you will also benefit.

There will always be more to do, more to achieve and more people to help. But sometimes the person we need to help the most is ourselves by actively slowing down. When we do this, we learn to take control of our state of mind and become less influenced by what is happening around us. Remember, other people’s urgency does not need to be your emergency.

Control

When we find it difficult to relax, we are usually trying to control an outcome in some way and not trusting in the process of life. It is important to remember that we will never be fully in control of the future. There can sometimes be an illusion that we are, but change is fundamentally inevitable. We must become comfortable with the unknown and to do this completely we need to learn to let go of trying to control other people and situations. Embracing the idea that you will never be in control is, in fact, taking control. The only thing we will ever have control over is which thoughts we pay attention to and how we let circumstances we can’t control affect us. This is really when we claim our power.

I love the saying ‘It is what it is’. This brings a huge level of acceptance to any given moment. When we learn to trust the natural unfolding of life and realise that everything will always work out for us, we give ourselves the permission we need to let go, have more fun and do things simply because they bring us joy.

I like to use the metaphor of being in a fairground. We can either be in the bumper car, holding tightly to the wheel and bumping into things, or on the rollercoaster, with our hands in the air enjoying the journey. Life is the journey, full of natural ups and downs, and we never know what is in front of us. Learning to relax into the natural unfolding of what lies ahead and enjoying each given moment for how it is will bring a deeper level of happiness without worry, doubt and fear.

When we let go, we allow things to happen rather than feeling that we need to make things happen. We need to master an element of surrendering to what is in front of us and know that we will be okay no matter what, that the universe has a plan and we need to trust it. Trying to control outcomes or other people can actually make life a great deal more difficult for us and it can take us a lot longer to get to where we need to be. Our tendency to do this usually lies in fear but we need to shift that energy to one of faith and trust that life will go our way, no matter what.

To truly relax we need to let go of certainty. The opposite of this isn’t uncertainty; it’s being open. When we are open, that’s when the things we want in life can find their way to us.

EXERCISE

The Grounded Tree

This exercise teaches you to react less and observe more as you learn to detach from the busy world around you and to prioritise your own peace.

Make yourself comfortable sitting or lying down. Close your eyes and focus on your breath. Just connect to the simplicity of breathing. There’s nothing to do, nowhere to be. Forget about the past, forget about the future; just be with your breath and your body.

Soften and loosen any tension you are holding physically. There is nothing to prove or plan and no one to please. Allow yourself to relax and any thoughts to drift by like clouds.

When you feel yourself becoming more and more relaxed, I want you to put any logic to one side and imagine a tree. The top of the tree is where the branches sway back and forth, just as our minds do when they are busy with thoughts and everyday problems.

Now slowly move your attention to the base of the tree. As you do this, move your awareness from your mind to your stomach and notice the natural rise and fall of the breath flowing through the body.

Feel, sense and see in your mind the roots of the tree growing into the ground, giving it stability and strength. When life speeds up, we can be faced with an emotional storm, but we can always bring our focus back to the point of strength we have within. The more attention we give to the branches and the less flexible these are during difficult times, the more damage can be done.

As you continue breathing in and out, be safe and secure in the knowledge that storms always pass and there is always complete stillness in the eye of a hurricane. Whatever chaos may be going on around you, you can easily come back to this feeling, remembering that the sun always comes out again.

Keep returning gently to the breath, away from the leaves and back to the ground and the roots of the tree.

When you feel ready or the timer goes off, you can open your eyes.

EXERCISE

The Relaxed River

This exercise teaches you that your current situation is not your final destination. Allow yourself to let go and enjoy the ride, trusting that you can deal with what lies ahead, fully relaxing into this given moment and knowing you are exactly where you’re supposed to be.

Make yourself comfortable, then close your eyes and connect to your breath. Let any unwanted thoughts lift and drift away.

When you feel nice and relaxed, I want you to imagine a river. Now see yourself in a small boat on the river. Every time you try and control an outcome or situation you are effectively attempting to row up stream against the current. Instead, just feel what it would be like to stop rowing and surrender to wherever the river may take you.

The river has twists and turns, but it eventually gets to where it needs to be and finds the sea. The more you struggle upstream, the longer it will take.

Connect to your breath if your mind starts to drift. Learn to let go of fighting the stream and relax into the gentle flow and rhythm of life. Even when there are ripples in the water you can come back to the stability of the boat.

When you feel ready or the timer goes off, you can open your eyes.

Relaxed Affirmations

I give myself permission to relax.

I am exactly where I need to be.

I allow any physical tension to soften.

Solutions to problems always arise.

I give myself permission to slow down.

I always make time to recharge my mind and body.

I make myself a priority.

I release the need to control outcomes.

I always do my best and that is enough.

I trust in the natural unfolding of life.

Calm

When we don’t feel calm, it’s usually because we are anxious. Another very simple word for anxiety is fear. I’ve had many clients refer to it as ‘their anxiety’. But we can’t own fear, it doesn’t have to belong to us and it doesn’t need to define us. No one is born with anxiety, nor is there a gene for it. Fear is something that our minds learn to feel. What we experience in life can teach us that we aren’t safe, and we can then live on edge in a heightened state of awareness waiting for the same threat to resurface.

Anxiety can manifest itself in many ways, but is usually seen when someone does not feel safe in themselves, around other people or in the world. As well as their life experiences, how active someone’s imagination is will also have an impact on the severity of the fear they feel. It is natural to be fearful sometimes when we’re going through new experiences but when our reaction to a situation is disproportionate to the circumstances, there are deeper issues being triggered. I use the phrase: ‘If it’s hysterical, it’s historical’.

When you are anxious you may experience heart palpitations, shortness of breath, sweating, dizziness and feel as if you are out of control. You might even get a knot in your stomach. You may develop a stutter, your brain might freeze up and you can forget words. Anxiety can make you feel tense and overwhelmed, and even evoke emotions such as worry, agitation and distress. When we are anxious, we have a lower capacity to focus and utilise our creativity, which can make performing tasks difficult or even impossible. This all happens because our bodies go into a defensive, protective mode. The hormones cortisol and adrenaline flood our biological systems and our heart rate speeds up. We are preparing for what seems to be an imminent threat.

In these situations, your mind is essentially trying to help you and stop you feeling pain, even though it’s actually doing the exact opposite. Our Fight, Flight or Freeze response, which is controlled by the sympathetic nervous system, kicks in and this will define how we deal with strong emotions. These can feel overwhelming and almost elicit a sense of urgency within us that we need to take action.

People develop many ways of dealing with anxiety, most of which are detrimental and cause the issue to worsen in the long term.

The good news is that this isn’t your logical mind working; it’s your creative imagination (which is located in the right side of the brain). The right side of the brain is usually living in the future rather than looking at the facts and making rational assumptions regarding a certain set of circumstances like the left side of the brain. Fortunately, if your mind can learn to feel fearful and anxious, then you can also teach it to feel safe. That is all your mind wants – to feel safe. Safe in who you are, safe around other people and safe in the world.

Our minds are not as complicated as you may think and the more you learn to work with your imagination, rather than letting it rule you, the more you will discover that any challenges you are facing can be combatted with calm, clarity and conviction.

Our minds are very open to suggestion between the ages of five and thirteen. During this time, we can experience developmental trauma if our basic needs for love, care, stability and safety are not met, through no fault of our own. The only natural fears we are born with are of loud sounds and falling. Growing up in a household full of loud shouting and arguments, for example, can leave a child feeling frightened, lonely and confused. Although this is a natural response to chaos and noise, children seem to believe it’s their fault in some way. Experiences at school, perhaps moving around many times or being bullied, can also teach us that we are not safe. Remember, this is at a time in our lives when we don’t know any better, so we just start believing things that aren’t true. Everyone’s belief system is different, but some common limiting notions that can hold us back are:

- I am different to others (I am not safe within myself)

- Other people don’t support me (I am not safe around others)

- Life is scary and unpredictable (I am not safe in the world)

If you think of these beliefs as little snowballs at the top of a mountain, they may start off small but as time goes by, the more momentum they gain, the bigger they get. This also happens with the ideas we create in our minds. They start off as little suggestions but then, as we keep looking for confirmation that they may be true, they gain power over us until they become deeply engrained within our unconscious mind and we see them as facts rather than merely concepts that aren’t true.

These beliefs form trigger points in our minds like little buttons and when something happens in our adult life that reminds us of these earlier unsafe situations, a button is pressed. The snowballs cloud our judgement and we do not respond as our mature adult self would but as that small child who never learned to feel safe. To change these trigger points, reduce their intensity and train your mind to be calm again you need to enter a state of meditation and create a new reference point. If you think of this reference point as a house, then first you need to create a strong and stable foundation onto which everything else can be built.

When we meditate, we activate the opposite of our stress response using the parasympathetic nervous system responsible for the Rest and Digest state. This system works to bring a natural sense of calm to the body, so that it can relax, rest and repair. It helps to decrease the heart rate, improve digestion and return the body to its natural state. It also allows us to slow down our brain waves so we can work with the imagination on a much deeper level.

‘No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.’ – Albert Einstein

EXERCISE

The Safe Sanctuary

This meditation is to help you create a secure and sheltered place in your mind. Whenever you are feeling stressed, worried or anxious you can familiarise yourself with a sense of safety you can easily return to.

Make yourself comfortable sitting or lying down in a space that is familiar to you where you won’t be disturbed.

Close your eyes and bring your attention to your breath. Connect to the natural rhythm and pace of your breath without trying to force it. Open your mouth slightly as you loosen your jaw and any tension in your shoulders and soften your stomach muscles.

Just for a moment sense the movement of your body and try to put the analytical problem-solving part of your mind to one side. There are no problems to solve right now; we are just working with your imagination. Any pressure you have been putting yourself under, let that go and just allow yourself to exist in the here and now. Enjoy a moment without having to do anything. Enjoy a moment just for you.

If it helps, imagine a cloud in your mind, clearing away any thoughts. These may pop into your mind, but don’t judge them – let them be and let them pass. Allow your mind to soften, your body to soften and your breath to soften.

Once you feel calm, relaxed and at ease, I want you to create a very safe sanctuary in your mind. Be as creative as you wish here, but make sure the space is cosy, safe and just for you. Take your time. See what you see, hear what you hear and feel what you feel.

When you are ready, imagine inviting a younger version of you who may never have experienced such a sense of safety into this place. Just see and feel their presence as you both enjoy the space. Here you are free to be you, the real you, the you that you were meant to be. Enjoy the peace, enjoy the calm and enjoy the security that comes from knowing you always have each other, no matter what.

Remember, our breath speeds up when we are anxious, so every time you feel this happening, actively slow down your breathing and think of the support and safety you have inside, which is always there. Nothing external can change this and no one can take it away from you.

Spend as long as you want like this, then when you feel ready or the timer goes off, you can open your eyes.

What-Ifs

When we don’t feel safe, our minds like to try to predict worse-case scenarios in order to gain some kind of control and we can find ourselves asking the dreaded ‘what-ifs’. When you notice yourself doing this, you will realise how many times these doubts and fears come into your thoughts. These could be questions such as:

- What if they don’t like me?

- What if I mess up?

- What if I can’t do it?

Our imaginations love to create stories and asking ourselves such questions can lead us to jump to all kinds of conclusions that we then use as evidence to support our limiting beliefs. This can cause a downward spiral of negative thinking and fear and stop us taking any action at all. We don’t feel safe enough to go into the unknown. It is important to remember that doubt does not mean danger and these questions are just your mind trying to find a problem when there usually isn’t one at all. In fact, a huge 85 per cent of what we worry about never actually happens.

When you are faced with anxiety it can feel very overwhelming, as if you are not in control of something that is far bigger than you. As mentioned previously, your mind is reacting to circumstances based on a false reality of what is happening. You can think of fear as:

False

Evidence

Appearing

Real

Anxiety is like living with a battle in your mind, one that you can never win. The mind being on edge all the time uses a lot of energy and we can enter more of a survival state, not giving ourselves permission to thrive. Yet we need to switch from surviving to thriving if we are to find true happiness and contentment. Survival mode makes everything feel urgent, as if we need to take immediate action. But it is important to remember nothing stays the same, even those feelings of fear, and that the less action you take feeling like this, the better. Acting from a place of fear only creates more fear.

Imagine there is a soldier living in your mind. He is in battle mode, on edge with his weapon in hand waiting for something bad to happen so he can come and rescue you. When he senses the slightest danger, he leaps into overdrive, telling your body to prepare for battle to prevent any harm coming to you. This soldier’s main job is to keep you alive. At some point in your life, the soldier learned that you weren’t safe and you needed support. He doesn’t react to current situations, but to what’s happened in the past. Living in this way is exhausting, but since the mind is only trying to protect us, it will gravitate towards what feels familiar.

Usually when people are being defensive or argumentative this is just their inner soldier telling them that conditions are not safe and to proceed into battle. It’s very easy to spot when you are aware of it and can help us show compassion for other people who are being triggered by a past pain.

We must learn to stop fighting with life. It was never meant to be a battle or struggle. We need to gain a deeper level of awareness of what our mind is really trying to protect us from. This will help us not to take things personally, go with the flow a little more and bring us a sense of calm, so we can think more clearly.

I use the soldier analogy a lot. It can provide a tangible metaphor for an emotional state, helping people feel more in control and better understand what is going on in their own minds, rather than thinking the problem is bigger than them. One man I treated used to be in the army, so whenever he felt himself becoming anxious or wound up, he would actively say to himself: ‘Stand down, soldier’.

So, when you catch yourself coming up with any ‘what-ifs’, change them around to:

- What if I don’t need to defend myself?

- What if things work out?

- What if this wasn’t as difficult as I thought it was?

- What if I am okay just as I am?

‘Life is ten percent what you experience and ninety percent how you respond to it.’ – Dorothy M. Neddermeyer

EXERCISE

Stand Down, Soldier

This exercise is designed to help you stop trying to fight with life and seeing it as a battlefield. It basically lets your mind know it’s okay to take a step back from a situation, recognise the defensive, protective mode and remember that this isn’t necessary right now.

Make yourself comfortable sitting or lying down, close your eyes and relax your body. Allow your breath to soften and your muscles to relax and let go of any tension, cares or worries.

Nothing else needs your attention right now. Your mind may be busy and that’s okay. Nothing is urgent and no action needs to be taken. We are just going to focus your attention at a deeper level, so don’t put any pressure on yourself to clear your mind completely.

If you are experiencing a lot of overactive, fearful thoughts, just closing your eyes and breathing will help you relax. Try not to follow thoughts or images in your mind; just be aware of them and know that they aren’t your responsibility right now.

Use your breath as an anchor to settle you into this current moment and feel the weight of your body against whatever is below you. Give in to the natural pull of gravity here – it is safe to just let go.

As you let go, I want you to imagine a little soldier in your mind. I wonder what he is trying to protect you from. You may not figure this out right away, but you can tell him that it’s an old pain and you don’t wish to carry it into your future. You can thank him for all the work he has been doing but you are exhausted now and so is he. Let him go on a break!

Now imagine future events where the solider may have kicked into gear ready to fight for, protect or defend you. Imagine having control over him and remind him you are safe and that it’s okay for him to step down. Affirm with confidence: ‘Stand down, solider’.

This stops a panicked thought and takes away its power, so it no longer controls you. By stepping outside of the emotion and thought, you separate yourself from it and, without realising, you are changing the way your mind works. This may take time and practice. Use your imagination as vividly as you wish.

When you feel ready or the timer goes off, you can open your eyes.

Calm Affirmations

Anxiety doesn’t define me.

I release fear and choose to feel safe.

I release the need to fight with life.

I am supported and strong.

I am in control of my own mind.

There is no urgency.

I can slow down my breathing to slow down my thoughts.

Doubt doesn’t mean danger.

At this present moment, there is no battle.

I do not need to protect myself from the unknown.

Motivated

Motivation is what encourages us to take action and ultimately leads to our success. Success can look different for everyone and levels of motivation can vary from person to person. We may lack motivation when we feel powerless and overwhelmed. And when we are unmotivated, we feel as if our goals are not being met and we’re not fulfilling our potential or achieving what we know we are capable of.

Many people believe we need to feel fearful to make progress in life and push ourselves out of our comfort zone. Although fear does elicit the same response in the body, I believe the opposite is true. When you believe in yourself and feel safe to make mistakes, the outcomes are always much better! Hustle culture and putting our bodies under constant stress only leads to burnout and a vicious cycle in which we don’t get to where we want to be.

Remember, our main goal in life should be to do what feels good and makes us happy. We only ever want something in life because we believe it will make us feel a certain way: a new car may make us feel more powerful or a new job might make us feel appreciated. I want you to know that this feeling is available to you right now and is not dependent on external circumstances. We can never be fully in control of our outside world, but when we start to change our inner world, the conditions in which we experience it change. This is the Law of Attraction. When we start practising this feeling, it begins to become more normal and available to us and consequently we start to take action as that version of ourselves.

Although goal setting helps a lot of people and many benefit from it, I never suggest it to my clients. When we set goals, we are essentially saying ‘I will be happy when I have XYZ and where I am right now is not good enough’. Also, we may set long-term goals which feel so out of reach that taking any action towards achieving them can leave us feeling demotivated, meaning we give up before we even begin. We set goals so we can feel satisfaction, pride and joy, and without realising it, we are placing our happiness in the future, rather than taking ownership of it now. The journey will be much more fun if you learn to enjoy the process.

Intentions are a much gentler way of helping us make those small changes which eventually lead to big changes. Intentions might include always striving to do your best, being committed to believing in yourself more, treating your body with kindness and respect or aiming to serve and help others. To find the intention behind what you want to achieve, you must ask yourself ‘Why?’ Why do I want this? How will it make me feel?

Subconsciously, we place limitations on ourselves regarding what is and isn’t possible for us. That is why we always seem to stay within our comfort zone and default back to old habits, routines and ways of thinking. The less we achieve, the less capable we feel, which can ultimately lead to depression and feeling unworthy. If we go back to the initial Map of Consciousness® at the start of the book (see The Law of Attraction), you will see that these feelings lead to inaction. Suppressing our emotions leads to depression and we start to lack purpose and no longer find joy in life. To truly find our purpose we need to serve a purpose. We need to be motivated by intrinsic feelings rather than obtaining outside material objects or seeking the approval of others.

Fear is the biggest barrier to taking action and makes us feel stuck in negative thinking cycles (see Overcoming Overthinking). Newton’s First Law states that an object at rest stays at rest, while an object in motion stays in motion.

Basically, the less we do, the less we feel inclined to do. If fear and low moods leave you feeling overwhelmed and stuck, it may be very hard to get beyond this. We can self-sabotage and stop ourselves from even trying, thinking we are not worthy of what we really desire. We can fear failure, worry how others will perceive us and expect worst-case scenarios rather than simply trying our best.

What if you gave yourself permission to fail? When a baby is learning to walk, they don’t give up the moment they fall down. They see everyone else walking, so they know it’s possible; they are encouraged by their parents and so they keep trying. They don’t feel silly and like a failure. Every time they fall, they get up that little bit stronger. You are no different. Behind every successful person are stories of failure. Everyone will fail, it is inevitable. But it is how you deal with failure and your resilience that determines your character and success.

Learn to accept that there is no such thing as failure, only lessons. I love the expression ‘Fish can’t climb trees’. Quite simply, if fish were judged on their ability to perform this task, they would be deemed useless! We all have our strengths and weakness, so just discover what you are good at. And keep trying until you find it. You might not have been the cleverest, brightest or fittest in the past, but that has no correlation with what you are capable of now.

It is very important not to define your self-worth by what you achieve. As I said, learn to slow down, enjoy the journey and have fun fuelled by a positive intention. The more fun you have, the more motivated you will feel, and the more you will inspire others and encourage successful outcomes. Remind yourself: you don’t need to have it all figured out, and solutions to problems will arise.

‘A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new.’ – Albert Einstein

EXERCISE

Falling without Fear

This exercise will help you get used to trying new things and feeling safe in yourself and in the world, knowing there is no such thing as failure. It will also help you to find your inner strength and courage.

Make yourself comfortable sitting or lying down, then close your eyes and bring your attention to your breathing.

Let go of any cares, worries, stresses or strains. If you have been feeling frustrated with yourself or a situation, just let that go. Any pressure you have been feeling under lately, just let that go.

Connect to the natural anchor of your breath as you allow everything to soften – your breath, your thoughts and your muscles. Just feel, sense and hear the breath flowing through your body. Allow this process to relax you and don’t worry if your mind is trying to solve any problems. Just bring your attention back to the movement of your breathing. Nothing needs to be changed or fixed right now.

As you relax, I want you to imagine a wall in front of you. This wall has been blocking you from taking action, stopping you reaching your potential and holding you back. Imagine knocking down this barrier, brick by brick. Maybe you use a hammer, or whatever works for you. You might know what this barrier represents, or you might not, but it doesn’t matter. Simply know that you have decided to take control and no longer be a prisoner or victim of old confinements. As you do this, feel your strength and courage grow as you begin to believe in yourself and your capabilities. Take as long as you need here.

When the wall has been broken down, step forward onto a new path, perhaps one that has not been available to you before. Or maybe you remember what it feels like to have nothing in your way. You can walk down this new path with confidence, knowing you cannot fail, only learn.

Every time you think you are about to fall you bounce back up. You cannot fail. Thinking of your intentions, focusing on what you want to achieve and feeling the force of that behind you, imagine how different your life would look if nothing was going wrong and you enjoyed the process of learning, growing and moving forward.

When you feel ready or the timer goes off, you can open your eyes.

Creating a New Future

Many people make the mistake of thinking that if they haven’t achieved something before or seen evidence of their desires in reality, then they are not achievable. To make any changes to what we think is possible we need to master the art of visualisation.

Think of your mind as being a little like a library. Each memory you have experienced has created a book which has been placed within this space, creating a collection of stories. This forms our belief system and our reference points for how we see the world. When new information comes into our minds, we refer to our previous knowledge and make a judgement on how to act and react. Our minds want to be right, so we are always looking for evidence that the stories we have told ourselves for so many years are true. It would be far too much work to go and rewrite a whole library! For example, if we think we are not good enough, we will always be looking and collecting evidence to support that belief. If we feel unlovable, we will search for evidence that this is true, even though logically it is not at all. If we believe we are not worthy of the things we want in life, we automatically justify that this is true, as in our mind it is written as a fact, even though it is not!

When we visualise through meditation, we build new neural pathways which are essentially new stories. This expands our way of thinking, ultimately expanding what is possible for us. The key is to see yourself how you want to be – how you want to act, react, think and feel. See yourself achieving what you want to achieve. Make your mind limitless and feel yourself becoming open to the new.

As you create these new visuals in your mind, start to notice how they would make you feel and really focus on the feeling this gives you. These positive feelings may be standing taller and feeling more assertive, in control, powerful and stronger. Your brain can encode these visualisations when you attach them to emotions as real memories, and studies have proven that visualising yourself doing things develops the skill just as if you were doing it for real.

By visualising in this way, you are training your brain to have a new filter, to look for new stories of what is possible. Our minds do not know the difference between what is imagined and what is real, so we can essentially override all those old stories, using our creative imagination to build a whole new library. In this library you are the author and creator of what is possible, and a lot of those shelves are yet to be filled.

MOTIVATED

‘You define your own life. Don’t let other people write your script.’

– Oprah Winfrey

EXERCISE

Powerfully Positive

Best practised in the morning, this exercise is designed to help you expand the possibilities of your awareness and work on building new unconscious pathways in your mind to facilitate you becoming the person you wish to be. Know that you have everything within you to be who you desire and no one else is coming to help or save you. Only you can make these changes, but with the power of your mind, anything is possible and you can take control of your life.

Make yourself comfortable sitting or lying down, then close your eyes and focus on your breathing. Just breathe in and out and connect to the anchor of your breath.

Slowly and softly allow yourself to sink and slide into a deep sense of peace. Forget about reality for now. Release the past, release any old stories or old ideas as if they no longer belong to you.

When you feel yourself relaxing and letting go completely, put any logic to one side. Imagine going into your inner library and taking the time to rewrite your past just as you wish. I know this may seem silly but imagine if it were possible. Give yourself permission to think big. What experiences would you like to have had growing up and how did you want to feel? You may also tear up old books that no longer serve you or you no longer want to influence your life. It is all within your control.

Now I want you to imagine your future. Just start off with today. See the day going your way. Then see the week going your way. See things happening that you may not have thought possible before. See yourself doing everything you know you are capable of and feel what it’s like to take this action. Focus on the feeling this gives you and keep replaying yourself taking the action in your mind.

Keep your hopes for the future within the realms of what you think is possible for now. Then push your boundaries a little more each time you do this and start to think bigger, brighter and bolder.

Next, begin to see your future in a year’s time, in five years’ time. Think about how you want to live your days and how this would make you feel. Start to see life going your way.

Imagine new books being placed on the shelves in your library: books full of possibilities, potential and a more empowered version of you.

When you have finished or the timer goes off, you can open your eyes ready to take on the day!

Motivation Affirmations

I believe and trust in myself.

I cannot fail, only learn.

I take action with power and courage.

Taking small steps leads to big changes.

I release any pressure to be perfect.

I have faith that my desires are possible.

I learn to enjoy the process of moving forward taking inspired action.

I am in control of my own destiny.

I show up for myself.

I can achieve anything I put my mind to.

Healthy

The World Health Organisation defines being healthy as ‘complete physical, mental and social well-being – and not just the absence of disease or infirmity’. Recent scientific studies have shown that we can change our DNA through our thoughts alone, which means the state of our mental well-being has a huge impact upon our physical health. Ultimately, a healthy mind leads to a healthy body. A fit and strong body is just the by-product of a mind free from fear and worries and the presence of peace and joy.

I treat many clients for issues relating to their relationship with food, so even though being healthy is not just about what we put into our bodies, it is a big part of it. When it comes to our decisions around food, we tend to use the emotional part of our mind, rather than logic.

Our minds have created many stories around food, without us even realising, which ultimately influences the decisions we make on an unconscious level. For example, given a piece of pineapple or chocolate, most people would say that the chocolate was the treat. However, logically, the pineapple is the real treat for the body, being full of vitamins, fibre and goodness.

We are bombarded with diets and weight-loss plans and led to believe that it is a struggle to lose weight, that our weight is something over which we always need to have control. Many people feel as if they are living in a constant cycle of restricting and overeating and having ‘bad’ days that they need to recover from. This then leads to food constantly being on their minds, rather than something they are just at peace with.

On a deeper level we know when our bodies are full and when they aren’t, and we also know which foods are more nutritious. If you think of a car, for example, you wouldn’t expect it to run on empty, nor would you try to overfill it with petrol it doesn’t need. Moreover, as the car is running you don’t always think about its fuel; you just trust that the car will tell you when it needs refilling. We can apply the same theory to our bodies. The more rules and restrictions we place upon ourselves, the more we want to rebel. If I told you not to think of a blue elephant, it would probably be the first thing that came into your mind. The same goes for food. The more we tell ourselves not to eat certain foods, the more we desire them. But the less you think about food and the more you give yourself permission not to have food rules, the more you will focus on feeling good, and thus the whole process of taking care of yourself becomes enjoyable. The simple fact is, when you eat foods that are nutritious you feel better. And when you feel better you make better decisions. Good decisions lead to good outcomes and so your confidence grows. Nothing is more important than how you feel. When you learn this, everything else will come naturally.

‘Take care of your body. It’s the only place you have to live.’ – Jim Rohn

EXERCISE

The Two Paths

This meditation is to help you look at the choices available to you. It is very easy to think short term and to act on impulses, but when we pull back our perspective, we can reflect and see the implications our decisions may have on everyday life.

Make yourself comfortable sitting or lying down in a place where you won’t be disturbed. Close your eyes and bring your attention to your breath. Nothing else is needed from you at this time. There is nothing to plan, no one to please and no problems for you to solve.

As you relax more and more into a feeling of peace, allow your breath to help you sink further, as if your body isn’t your responsibility just for this moment. Relax as everything takes care of itself. Remember, thoughts will come up, and this is totally normal. Don’t follow the thinking with more thinking, just return to your anchor and this current moment, not judging thoughts, not feeling the need to act on them or react in any way.

As you relax, imagine you have two clear paths in front of you. On the left is the path of how you may have been living your life, following diets, rules, restrictions and maybe always having food on your mind. Down this path you might make quick, impulsive decisions, use food to cope with stress and feel the need to punish your body for your decisions. See how your life might look if you kept living in this way. Walk down this path and see the days turn into weeks and the weeks turn into months. Notice how you would feel living like this and how the path could look years down the line.

After visiting this path, come back to the junction between the paths. Now allow yourself to go down the right path, which may not have been available to you before. See what your life would look like if you were simply to let go of trying so hard, if you focused your attention on other areas of your life and taught yourself healthy ways of dealing with uncertainty, stress and worries.

See what your life would look like if all the food in the world was available to you and you could have whatever you desired, but you also had a strong inclination to treat your body with love, kindness and respect. See yourself wanting to move your body in whatever way feels fun to you. For no other reason than it makes you feel good. Without pressure or rules. See how different this path would be.

As you return to the start of the paths, I want you to see the contrast between the two ways of living. In each given moment you have a decision to make. Every decision will take you down one path or the other.

Take some time to explore the two paths and whenever you feel ready or the timer goes off, you can open your eyes.

Self-love

I asked a new client one day what her two goals for our sessions were. Her first goal was to lose weight and the second was to love herself more. I then asked her which she wanted to achieve first, to which she replied, ‘Well, I’ll be happy when I lose the weight, then I will love myself more.’ We had to turn this all around. It is only when you love your body and have respect for your health that you start making the right decisions for you. Believe me, there are a lot of people who are very slim or muscular but very unhappy. A certain body shape will never be the secret to happiness.

Food isn’t the enemy, and your body doesn’t want to battle with you. This all-or-nothing mentality can leave us feeling deprived and as if we are missing out, which will ultimately lead to unhappiness. This mindset won’t just disappear one day, leaving you feeling fulfilled and comfortable in your body. You must achieve the feeling first and the condition will follow. It’s not about the weight loss; it never was. It is how you feel about yourself that matters most.

Self-love is the foundation we must build on to create a healthy life that is sustainable. We can’t hate ourselves into a healthy body. We don’t create anything positive with a negative mindset. If you want to lose weight simply to look good, this won’t be long-lasting. You really must do it because you want to feel healthy, strong and full of energy and vitality, so you can enjoy your life. Doing it for anyone other than yourself will inevitably lead to self-sabotage as external validation can always be taken away.

However, self-love can be tricky. We are sometimes taught not to prioritise our own needs and we can feel unworthy of feeling or looking our best. But you are worthy of a healthy life; you are worthy of setting the intention of being the best you for no one else other than yourself. For no other reason than it feels good. For no other reason than it feels good to feel good. Feeling good has to be your new priority and you must be your own best friend. There is no dietician, personal trainer or diet book that knows your body better than you. Rather than looking externally, we need to look inside, so we can really connect to our bodies’ natural processes. As you do this, you will learn to use your intuition, which will naturally guide you into making the choices that are best for you.

HEALTHY

‘You have been criticising yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.’

– Louise Hay

EXERCISE

Identity, Intuition and Intention

This exercise helps you connect to your body on a deeper level. As you learn to trust yourself, knowing what you really need, it is easier to change your attitude when it comes to health. Self-love can take time and resistance may arise, but be kind and patient with yourself.

Make yourself comfortable sitting or lying down, then close your eyes. Just breathe in and out and find the anchor of your breath. If you have a busy mind, just observe your thoughts and try to separate yourself from them.

Any thinking about the past, let it go. Any thinking about the future, let it go. It’s normal for your mind to want to try and solve problems, but just for now let everything be. Let the world take care of itself. This is your time.

Really feel your breath flowing in and out of your body. Not forcing anything. Just noticing the natural rise and fall of your stomach as the air flows in and out. Like clouds, let the thoughts pass by and imagine a softness in your mind. A softness that reaches every corner of your mind and then goes into every muscle. Your body and breath soft. Nothing is needed from you.

You may hold tension in your stomach, so notice that tension, notice how your body feels and just slowly, gently let it go. With each breath feel your stomach becoming more and more relaxed. Let any tension ease away.

When you feel yourself sinking into a deep state of calm, putting any logic to one side, I want you to imagine, feel and sense yourself standing in front of a mirror. Notice your initial reactions and what feelings come up. The person staring back at you needs your full love and support, and it is only you who can do this. Feel the power you have that you are the only one in the world who can make this person happy and healthy. Notice how empowering that feels.

I wonder what it feels like to promise this person in front of you that you will love them unconditionally, that you will treat them with respect and that you will do your very best to give this body, which works so hard every single day, everything it needs.

Begin to feel a sense of appreciation and gratitude towards yourself. If it’s difficult at first to love your body, just find one thing to love – you could even start with your big toe! This person in the mirror has so much to offer the world other than their physical appearance, so also note everything you love about what makes them who they are.

As you breathe in and out the person may speak back to you, telling you what they need from you. Imagine what your body would say to you. What do your cells need to start smiling again? Only you know the answer. Imagine setting the intention always to do your best for this person. That’s all you can ever do. Reconnect with your body and the intention of listening to what your body needs from you as you release any battle and begin to work together.

Start to see yourself as a healthy person who keeps their promises. How would you act, react, think and feel about yourself? What might be different? Remember, there is no right or wrong way to do this.

If your mind wanders at any point, just return to your breathing and bring yourself back to the current moment.

When you feel ready or the timer goes off, you can open your eyes.

Healthy Affirmations

I take care of my body with ease.

I love and respect myself.

It’s easy to make decisions that are good for my health.

My body is not a dustbin.

My body is my home and I take care of it.

I am grateful to my body for everything it does.

I am healthy, wealthy and wise.

I listen to what my body needs.

I enjoy living a healthy lifestyle.

I prioritise my well-being and how I feel.

Positive

Positive thinking helps us manage stress, builds emotional resilience and also improves our health. Naturally, we will all have ups and downs in life. Positive thinking isn’t about ignoring reality; it involves presuming good outcomes, so we can remain in control and productive no matter what our external conditions may be. As we do this, we feel motivated and inspired whatever challenges we face, which leads to a greater sense of peace and purpose. No one given set of circumstances will ever be the same again and every situation we have in life is unique. When we have a positive mindset, we can really be in the moment, free from worries and stress.

Feelings of negativity can come from habitual ways of thinking or external sources. But focusing too much on negativity wires the neural pathways in our minds towards sadness. Living in this way makes everything seem harder, and it can cause a lack of belief in ourselves and others. In contrast, positive people aren’t consumed by negative thoughts or any pain from the past. They let go of any victim mentality and instead of asking themselves ‘Why me?’, they are able to reflect on the situation and ask, ‘What is this trying to teach me?’ This is a growth mindset – one that may take practice to achieve as you pay more attention to where you place your focus.

Positivity is a choice, one you are free to make in any given moment. Never underestimate the power of a simple mindset shift and how it can help you move towards a happier and more hopeful version of yourself.

‘Our attitude towards life determines life’s attitude towards us.’ – John Mitchell

Releasing Resistance

In order to move forward you must let go of everything that has been holding you back. Feelings of hurt, pain, blame or shame can make us feel as if life isn’t going our way, which easily turns into criticism, complaining and judgement. Looking at life with a negative bias will never lead to happiness or fulfilment. If you search for things to feel bad about, you will always find them. Positivity is about looking for things to feel good about and surrounding yourself with people who inspire and uplift you.

Research has found that people tend to bond more through negativity and having similar dissatisfactions. So it is important to be aware if you have any friendships like these, ones which you have unconsciously chosen to reconfirm your old ideas about the world. It’s okay to let go or distance yourself from those relationships, friends or situations that haven’t been bringing out the best in you. Don’t be afraid to release anything that has been causing you to struggle or feel unhappy or uncertain.

I once had a client who came to me with extreme anxiety about her wedding day. She was terrified of being the centre of attention and what people would say or think about her. I asked her if she judged others harshly, to which she replied, ‘Yes, of course, don’t we all?’ I later learned she was also very critical of herself and working in the appearance-based fashion industry had only made her fears worse. When she learned not to make any presumptions about others for what they looked like and just let them live and be happy, she stopped making judgements about herself too and her anxiety lifted.

Although it is human nature to evaluate and analyse what is going on around us, you can choose to transform these thoughts to ones of compassion towards yourself and others. Underneath all negative emotion is fear. As you become more self-aware, you can begin to grow through what you experience. You can choose to understand the lesson being taught in each and every situation you encounter.

Once you learn that hurt people tend to hurt other people, you also begin not to take anything personally. Everyone is seeing the world through their own belief systems and experiences and with clouded perspectives. Someone’s negative reaction or action towards you usually has nothing to do with you at all. Taking things less personally will help you focus more on yourself.

We can block our own happiness by holding onto the very things and ideas causing us to suffer. Imagine the Universe saying, ‘If not this, then better’, having full trust and faith that you can have the life you want, with a healthy determination to prioritise your own needs. When doors are closed, new ones will always open.

‘Keep your face always toward the sunshine – and shadows will fall behind you.’ – Walt Whitman

EXERCISE

Cord Cutting

This exercise is designed to help you identify and release anything that has been draining your energy, whether consciously or unconsciously.

Make yourself comfortable sitting or lying down, then close your eyes and focus on your breath. Remember, we don’t meditate to make anything happen, so just relax and let go. Let each breath settle you into the moment as you notice any overactive thoughts and just let them pass, not following any thinking with more thinking. If your mind wanders at any time, just bring your focus back to the anchor of your breath.

Once you are relaxed and grounded, I want you to imagine a ball of light. As you focus here, send out a mental invitation to all the sources and negative attachments that have been draining energy from this ball. Feel, sense and see these attachments as cords. These may be old memories, people, situations, feelings or fears – there are no right or wrong answers here. Just be aware of the draining cords, even if you are unsure what they represent.

When you’re ready, imagine simply cutting these old cords with the strength and courage to make the decision to let them go. One by one, letting them go. As you do this, picture and feel the ball gaining more energy as it is now free to rise. Rising up to see the world from a different viewpoint.

Take as long as you need or once you feel light, bright and free, you can open your eyes.

Optimism

Positivity involves expecting good outcomes. It’s having faith and hope in the future, believing life will work in your favour and feeling worthy that good things will come your way.

It’s important not to place enormous amounts of pressure on yourself to be positive all the time. The pressure of trying too hard to be positive can cause frustration and disappointment. It’s okay to feel negative at times and natural to have doubts and fears. We can break this pattern by simply not taking any action when we are consumed by these worries. Notice the feeling, let it be there and just be still, do nothing. This teaches us to slow down and be less reactive to our emotions. If we take action from a place of fear, we just attract more fear.

Feelings are only ever temporary. Just remind yourself that this moment will not last forever. Don’t let negative emotions define you, as the more you let these waves of doubt or fear pass, the less frequent they will become. Wait to send the email or text, or to make any decisions, until you feel good. The outcomes will always be better.

Bear in mind that sometimes the very things we want are not what we need. To be fully optimistic and positive we need to learn not to attach ourselves to certain outcomes. We may want something to happen in a certain way by a certain time, but if it’s not within our control we need to learn to surrender with patience, trusting that things will always work out. When you trust in your own journey, you don’t compare your path to anyone else’s and fully believe you are exactly where you are supposed to be and that your life is unfolding just as it should.

Allow events to evolve effortlessly and give yourself permission not to have everything all figured out.

‘Everything is temporary; emotions, thoughts, people, scenery. Do not get attached, just flow with it.’ – Anonymous

EXERCISE

Your Super Self

This meditation is a little different to the others. It involves recording yourself reading the script below. Read it very slowly and don’t worry if you make a mistake. If you are unable to record it, try writing it out instead – writing can be a form of meditation as we simply focus our attention. When we are optimistic, positive and hopeful, we attract better experiences, new opportunities and people who are more aligned with our values.

‘I am taking this time for me. Nothing is needed from me and there is nowhere else I need to be. I give myself permission to let go. I allow any thoughts to pass by like clouds. I release any tension in my jaw, neck and stomach. If my mind wanders, I bring my attention to the natural flow of my breathing as I just breathe in and out. I allow my mind to relax my body as my body relaxes my mind. I put any logic to one side and now imagine, feel and see what life would be like if I could make the day go my way.

Today I’d like to be inspired to be the best version of me. I’d like to bring a lightness into my day.

Today I’d like to know I’m doing okay as I am.

Today I’d like to know what's mine cannot be taken away. I’d like to trust in timings more. I’d like to find peace in the fact that everything is just the way it is supposed to be.

Today I’d like to trust my life decisions a bit more. I’d like to know ideas and inspiration come to me at just the right time.

Today I’d like to appreciate my life for all that it is. I’d like to smile more at the little things. I’d like to make others smile. I’d like for others to be happy. I’d like for me to be happy. I would like to know it’s okay to trust my instincts.

Today I’d like to feel good. I would like others to feel good.

Today I would like it if feeling good could be my priority. I'd like to know that feelings change. I’d like to know that life changes. I’d like to be okay with change. I’d like to be okay with not knowing what lies ahead of me.

Today I would like to feel excited that I don’t know what the day could bring.

Today I’d like to not put any pressure on myself to be a certain way. I’d like to not focus on what other people think.

Today I’d like to focus on what I think of me.

Today I’d like everyone who crosses my path to feel good. Today I’d like to approach any tasks or work with ease and flow.

Today I’d like to feel safe, supported and settled.

Today I’d like to understand more when people feel negative emotion. I’d like for that negative emotion to not affect me.

Today I can see the day just going my way. I’d like to know it’s okay if I don’t get what I want as I know there is value in every experience.

Today I would like to know that everything is going to be okay. As I move forward in life feeling light, bright and free, I can now open my eyes.’

Close your eyes and play back the recording, as you allow the ideas to sink into your mind.

Positive Affirmations

Everything is always working out for me.

I feel happy and strong.

My happiness does not depend on an outcome.

Good things flow my way.

I gracefully let go of the past and any negativity.

I matter and my happiness matters.

I radiate joy and positivity.

I surround myself with people who make me feel good.

I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

I choose to feel good and positivity is in my nature.

Successful

Success means something different to everyone. Many people chase job titles, status or money in the hope it will make them happier and lead to a more fulfilling life. But success is a state of mind, one which you can only achieve when you feel worthy of being successful. When you feel that what you want in life is available to you, you receive inspiration and the confidence to act upon it. When you feel worthy, you claim everything you want as if it were already yours.

It is never too late, and you are never too old to achieve this state of mind. It starts with a mindset shift. When we change what we believe, we begin to change how we feel and think, and when we start thinking differently, our behaviour alters as we allow synchronicities to occur. This naturally leads us down the right path, free from doubt or worries.

In this chapter, we will look at success in terms of how we can focus on abundance rather than a lack thereof. Our relationship with money, what I like to call our ‘Financial Well-being’, can determine a lot of the choices we make, how we see ourselves and the world. The amount of money someone has does not define their success; however, I have found that we can block ourselves from receiving more money due to self-imposed limitations.

We will only ever receive what we expect to in life. How we feel around money, how we approach expenses, compare ourselves financially to others and how we save all come into play when we think about our money mindset. Our beliefs around wealth and success usually start when we are growing up. Maybe we had parents who were particularly restrictive and saw money as hard to earn, or perhaps our caregivers spent frivolously and were always in debt. We may have been told ‘Money doesn’t grow on trees’ or ‘Money is the root of all evil’. Even though no one is to blame, at that critical age when our belief systems are being formed the people around us and their ideas have a huge impact on what we think is possible.

In order to step up to our full potential, we need to create a healthy relationship with money and how we see ourselves.

‘Success comes to those who become success conscious.’ – Napoleon Hill

Fostering an Abundance Mindset

In terms of success, and our attitude to financial well-being in particular, people usually have either an abundance or lack-of-abundance mindset. A lack-of-abundance mentality is when we feel that we don’t have enough. When associated with financial wealth it’s the belief that there isn’t enough to go round and that money is a commodity we must hold onto and be cautious with. Rather than wanting more for the simple enjoyment of it, we wish external conditions would change because we believe that what we have isn’t sufficient to meet our needs. This scarcity mindset is often created through a fear that we are not safe to spend, receive or even have money. If we feel this way, it doesn’t matter how much is available, we will still need or want more to feel secure. When we come from a place of lack like this, it leads us to feel as if we’re somehow losing out, getting less than we want or less than someone else if we see them thriving.

Signs you may have a lack-of mentality include often struggling to manage your money, believing you’re not making as much as you think you’re capable of, or feeling as if you’re ‘just getting by’ or guilty for spending money because you think it’s always about to run out. You may be dependent on your spouse, parents or even a job as your main source of financial safety. You might be worried about charging someone for your services, feeling uncomfortable and undeserving of payment. Maybe you’re comparing yourself to someone else and feeling that you’re behind in some way or just suffer from guilt when you take time off.

On the other hand, you may spend without limits, being careless around money. Perhaps you spend to avoid your feelings or allow money to determine how you feel about yourself, only believing you are worthy when you have it.

In contrast, having an abundance mindset means you believe that there is more than enough money to go round. You already feel wealthy and have a sense of safety around money. This mindset allows you to be truly happy for others, as there is enough success for everyone; it’s not a limited resource. An abundance mindset says that there’s no such thing as losing out and there is no win-lose situation, because in every single situation you are winning something, even if it’s just the lesson you are learning. When we’re in an abundance mindset, we don’t mind sharing ideas, time or profits with others. We’re secure with where we are. This leads to more abundance, more creativity and ultimately more fun! We are happy for those who have what we want, as they show us it is possible.

The first step to achieving an abundance mindset is to develop an awareness of the beliefs and thoughts you hold around money. These may be conscious or something you have never thought about – it’s a topic we are often taught not to discuss. It is often useful to see money more like a form of energy that simply flows in and out of our lives, something we exchange with others. In fact, the translation of currency in Latin is ‘to flow through me’. When we see money in this way, we can remove all the old stories and ideas we have tied around it. We can remember that there has always been enough so far, so it’s more than likely there will be enough moving forward. When you see money more as a transfer of energy, you can appreciate all you have right now. You can pay your bills with more ease, feeling grateful for the services you have received. Viewing money as a fully available commodity of which there is a constant stream helps to remove any blocks that we have to receiving what we truly deserve. When you start expecting money to flow to you, it does. Keep reminding yourself that there is enough, perhaps even more than enough!

‘Money is life energy that we exchange and use as a result of the service we provide to the Universe.’ – Deepak Chopra

EXERCISE

The Wealth Waterfall

In this exercise you are going to bring your attention to how it feels in your body when you shift your perspective from one of a lack of to one of abundance.

Make yourself comfortable sitting or lying down, then close your eyes and bring your attention to the natural anchor of your breath. Give yourself permission to take this time out just for you.

Relax any tension in your mind and body as you simply let go. Any thoughts or fears, let them pass on by. Connect to the stability and safety of your breath as you allow yourself to go into a deep state of relaxation.

When you feel relaxed, I want you to put any logic to one side and imagine money as a form of energy. Now see this energy as always moving, something that is constantly flowing towards you. Trusting there is always enough and that it naturally flows to you. Imagine a waterfall of wealth. Stand underneath this waterfall as a magnet for money, feeling open and ready to receive it.

Welcome wealth into your life as you feel and see money circulating freely and easily, as if there is always enough and your needs are always met. Feel safe with this idea and at peace handling money, the natural flow of it entering and leaving your life.

Imagine money flowing easily and frequently towards you as good flows to you in streams of success, happiness and abundance.

Let go of any ideas or blocks stopping this gentle, natural stream. Trust you are a money magnet and feel open to wealth coming into your life. Unlimited abundance flows to you in unstoppable, mysterious ways, giving you the power to be prosperous. Appreciate all the money you currently have in your life and all that it allows you to do.

Imagine the Universe providing an unlimited supply to support all your needs, dreams and hopes for the life you want. Notice where in your body you feel this and feel open to simply allowing yourself to receive, expand and grow, so you can give without wanting and receive in more ways than you could possibly imagine.

When you feel ready or the timer goes off, you can open your eyes.

Having Faith

Everything you see around you started with an idea and someone who believed it was possible. I work with many entrepreneurs who simply need to give themselves permission to think bigger. We sometimes ‘play small’ because we fear making mistakes or getting things wrong. There are no wrongs in life, only ever lessons. When you see success in this way and have a healthy relationship with uncertainty, you can have more fun. You can replace doubt with belief as you expect good outcomes, feeling supported that you have all the resources available to you to succeed.

Perhaps you don’t know how you will achieve what you want, and that’s okay. When you release fear, your creativity will naturally increase and you may be able to see things a little more clearly. Ideas may come to you when you least expect them to. When we take inspired action from a place of feeling abundant, with some determination and courage, we step outside of our comfort zone.

When you have faith, you aren’t afraid of taking risks. You cannot feel fear and have faith at the same time; one will always override the other. Successful people are no different from anyone else; they simply refuse to give up, no matter how many failures they have or how many obstacles get in their way. They don’t let things going wrong define them or let it predict their future. Remember, there is no such thing as a no … just a not yet!

Get clear on why you want what you do and feel abundant and worthy, then trust in your inspiration and simply let it guide you. You will never know what you can achieve if you allow old beliefs to hold you back.

SUCCESSFUL

‘Success is never ending; failure is never final.’

– Dr Robert Schuller

EXERCISE

Your Success Story

This exercise is so simple, yet so powerful. Since our minds do not know the difference between what is real and what is imagined, it involves visualising a future you who is thriving.

Make yourself comfortable sitting or lying down, then close your eyes and focus on your breath. Feel your breath flowing through your body. Notice your stomach going up and down as you give yourself permission to let go to be in the here and now.

Just focus on the gentle rise and fall of your stomach as you breathe in and out. Allow your breath to take you into a deep sense of peace as you connect to the stillness within, releasing any physical tension you have been holding onto.

Feeling deeply relaxed, imagine the future you standing on a stage, inspiring an audience, telling the story of what it took to achieve all that you have. You are telling the audience exactly what they need to believe in and do in order to become you.

Imagine what this future you would say and how they would say it. Watch how the successful you behaves, and speaks, noticing how they feel as they tell their story. Listen to the words they say, allowing them to excite and inspire you.

When you feel ready or the timer goes off, you can open your eyes.

Success Affirmations

I know I can achieve anything I want in life.

I am happy with who I am right now.

I am the creator of my life and I am worthy of success.

I believe in myself.

I feel supported taking risks and going into the unknown.

I am open to receiving unexpected opportunities and to new possibilities.

I control money, money doesn’t control me.

Money flows to me easily and effortlessly.

Money loves me and I love money.

My life is full of health, wealth and happiness.

Confident

The mistake many make is believing there is some magic formula for being confident, that it’s a trick some people know or a skill they have. We are often told that you can learn how to be confident. In fact, the opposite is true: you were born confident and just need to let go of all the ideas you may have about yourself which limit your confidence. When we fully let go and allow ourselves to be who we truly are, we feel safe within ourselves and that’s when we radiate a different energy.

Confidence is knowing you don’t need to be more, do more, say more or have more – you are enough just the way you are. Everything you do is enough. Confidence is all about seeing yourself as equal to others and not being afraid to fully embrace who you really are, without fear of judgement. It is relaxing and being at ease in any given moment, which in turn allows others to be themselves too.

Most of the negative beliefs we have about ourselves begin during our developmental years. As children we are carefree and not preoccupied with how we look or how we are perceived by others. However, as soon as our logical mind starts to develop, our initial ideas regarding safety become challenged, perhaps by our caregivers, peers or teachers all telling us different things about who we should or shouldn’t be. It might be that we have no reference points to help us process any critical comments; we take on ideas that then stay with us through to adulthood. We begin to believe there are parts of us that aren’t enough.

What most people don’t realise is that we are all different, which means we are all unique – this essentially makes us all the same. To feel accepted we must move from a place of rejection to one of connection and remember that the ability to be our true selves is still within us. No one knows how to be you more than you!

Confidence isn’t about being the loudest in the room. The most confident people can sometimes say and do the least as they have nothing to prove. Confidence is the simple acceptance that not everyone will like you and you won’t like everyone, and that’s okay.

The Real You

If you look back at the explanation of Dr David R. Hawkins’ Map of Consciousness®, you’ll see that the lowest vibrational emotion is shame, the belief that there is something fundamentally wrong with us. It’s a feeling associated with embarrassment, low self-esteem and extreme self-consciousness. Many go through life thinking they are flawed and not deserving of happiness. This can drive many people into overachieving to compensate for where they feel they lack, which only ties self-worth to external accomplishments. If you are fuelled by these factors, you will always be striving for perfection, which is something that doesn’t exist. Perfectionism arises as a result of the need to prove worthiness, but since it can never be achieved, growth should be the goal instead. Many people live life motivated by this internal pressure to be perfect, which can actually hinder their performance and creativity.

These beliefs can become so embedded in our thought processes that they turn into a part of our identity and influence our personality. Dr Joe Dispenza, an internationally renowned motivational speaker, famously stated that our personality forms our personal reality, so if you feel unworthy you will always look for confirmation that this belief is true, which then consolidates it even further. If you have ever heard someone say, ‘I knew that would happen’, it’s because they were expecting a particular outcome, having unknowingly created the conditions in which it could occur.

In contrast, being confident means you don’t expect yourself to achieve perfection. Nothing in nature is perfect and neither do you need to be. I often use a flower analogy to explain this. No flower has perfectly symmetrical petals and each one is unique. We would never look at a flower and deem it useless; it still has a right to exist in the world. When you meditate you are giving yourself the right to simply exist, knowing this is enough.

Louise Hay, a famous self-help author and healer, was the first to work out that most issues stem from a belief that ‘I am not good enough’. She found all her clients were suffering from self-hatred to some degree or other and that a life full of love, joy and harmony will always be unattainable if this unconscious idea of not being good enough is present, as it will always contradict these objectives.

Confidence comes from accepting and embracing who you are. If you can believe a negative thought, you can easily shift your focus to a positive one as you learn to take back your power.

CONFIDENT

‘To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.’

– Ralph Waldo Emerson

EXERCISE

The Ball of Strength

This meditation helps you connect to your own inner power and strength. As you remember you are already whole, you will understand that nothing can be taken away from who you are and nothing else can complete you.

Make yourself comfortable sitting or lying down and take some time for you. Close your eyes and just take a moment to notice if you are holding any physical tension anywhere in your body.

Relax your jaw, allow your shoulders to drop and soften the muscles in your stomach as you follow the natural rise and fall of your breathing. Remember, meditation isn’t about achieving perfection and there is no right or wrong way to do any exercise, so simply let go.

Everything you are doing in this moment is enough. Our minds like to process information, so ideas will come into your mind and thoughts will arise. That’s perfectly normal. This is just your moment away from the world, paying very little attention to your thoughts and allowing yourself simply to exist. There is nothing more you need to do, be or have in this given moment.

As you connect to your breathing and allow thoughts to pass by like clouds, enjoying the feeling of softness in your mind and body, I want you to use the creative part of your mind. Imagine now a ball of strength within you. It may be rooted in your stomach or wherever you feel is appropriate. This ball can be made of whatever you wish, perhaps a strong material such as steel, something solid that will keep you grounded.

Breathe in and out of this ball now, imagining it as whole and complete just the way it is. Perhaps the ball can become stronger and stronger with each breath. Nothing needs to be added to this ball of strength and nothing can be taken away from its wholeness. It is strong, stable and secure just the way it is, getting stronger and stronger with every breath.

Connect to a feeling of wholeness coming from within you. A feeling that supports you and one you can always come back to as you remember that you are whole and complete just the way you are. Nothing needs to be added to your wholeness and no one can take anything away from you or who you are. You are enough and everything you do is enough.

If your attention wanders to your thoughts, gently bring it back to your body and the ball, seeing, feeling or imagining its strength.

When you feel ready or the timer goes off, you can open your eyes.

Surviving to Thriving

Needing the approval of others can lead to chronic people-pleasing. When we try too hard to please others, we often put our own needs to one side, losing our sense of self along the way. We can sacrifice our self-respect and values in the pure hope that we will be liked.

The tendency to seek external validation can be linked to a survival response known as Fawn (a fourth response type in addition to the more familiar Fight, Flight or Freeze responses to a difficult situation). Subconsciously, we fear rejection, so feel the need to adapt to the wants and desires of other people to avoid conflict in the hope that we will be accepted. We lose confidence in our own opinions and thoughts and can have a hard time saying ‘no’ and setting boundaries, making it very easy for others to take advantage of us.

At some point in our lives, we start to believe it’s not safe to be ourselves around others. We begin to fear the consequences of being seen and heard. This can lead us to living in survival mode, triggering our Fight or Flight response, both of which are defensive responses to a perceived threat that is no longer there.

When we don’t feel safe to show up as our true selves, we are more averse to taking risks, which limits what we are truly capable of and our own happiness. Not expressing ourselves fully or reaching our potential can feel frustrating and as though we are stuck. Even if we do progress in life, feelings of ‘imposter syndrome’ can overshadow our accomplishments, as we doubt our abilities and feel like frauds.

A lack of confidence and self-belief can cause us to overanalyse and replay events in our minds, and we can be self-critical or feel as if we have done something wrong. But as you begin to feel more secure in yourself, you start to trust the decisions you make in life. Confident people believe they always do their best in any given moment with the resources available to them, and that is enough.

To be confident around others we must realise that we are only human. Despite their job title, status or financial wealth, no one is above or below us. When you start seeing yourself as equal to others you no longer place people on pedestals or feel intimidated by them. As you learn that those who judge harshly are usually judging themselves even more, their opinion can become irrelevant. I frequently work with people who fear giving presentations or public speaking.

I need to remind them that other people want them to do well and they support them, and if they don’t, then that’s their issue. We can automatically assume others want to see us fail, but most of the time this isn’t the case. If you imagine everyone cheering you on, wanting to hear what you have to say and hoping you will succeed, the task feels much less daunting.

If you find yourself around people who you don’t feel want the best for you, you always have a choice. Knowing we have choices gives us back an element of control and shifts us away from a victim mentality. You may not have had the ability to make decisions for yourself when you were younger but now you are in control of who you choose to surround yourself with.

We all have a right to thrive in life, to be seen and heard, and to take up space as our true organic self. I love the old saying ‘Confidence isn’t will they like me; it’s I’ll be ok if they don’t’. When you trust you can’t mess up anything that is truly meant for you and give yourself permission not to get everything right all the time, the pressure lifts, allowing you to start having more fun!

Many of my clients worry they aren’t ‘interesting enough’, which can fuel social anxiety as they place too much attention on themselves. But when we focus on others, how we can make them feel and become interested in them, so we become interesting ourselves. Become more interested, in people and in life! Become good at listening and passionate about something you care about.

The biggest superpower we can give ourselves is becoming rejection-free. No one can reject us if we don’t allow them to. No one else has our unique set of skills, qualities and gifts. If we choose not to reject ourselves, we place less importance on the opinions of others than we do on our own needs. If we have felt rejected in the past, just give the feelings back. If we don’t want something, we don’t need to keep it.

‘Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice.’ – Steve Jobs

EXERCISE

Permission to Bloom

This exercise is intended to help you see yourself and the world in a different way through the metaphor of flowers!

Make yourself comfortable sitting or lying down, then close your eyes and bring your attention to your breath. As you breathe in and out, allow any thoughts to pass by, as if you can see them like clouds. Without judgement or following the clouds, let them drift away. Nothing needs your attention, just for now.

Connect to the simplicity of breathing, knowing that nothing else is needed from you just at this moment. Again, just giving yourself permission to exist in the world.

Breathing in and out, scan your body for any physical tension you might be holding and allow it to soften. Your breath is softening now as it gently flows in and out of your body. There is nowhere else you need to be or anyone who needs anything from you. This is your time.

Connect to your breath and notice it flowing through your body as you just let go. Release any pressure or expectation as you allow yourself just to be.

Now imagine a flower in a garden. Despite any weeds or thorns, it’s always growing up towards the sun. Each time we meditate the roots of the flower gain more stability as it safely takes up as much space as it needs to truly blossom and thrive. This flower doesn’t compare itself to others. Each flower in the garden is growing at its own pace and may not bloom all year round.

Some people like roses, some prefer lilies, but this flower is beautiful just the way it is, despite what anyone else thinks of it. It simply exists in the world, knowing and trusting its needs will be met and all it needs to do is bloom.

Imagine that you could give yourself permission to bloom. To grow in spite of any challenges, not to compare yourself to others and not to let people’s opinions define your worth. Imagine that you knew all your needs were being met and you had permission to blossom, at your own pace, in your own time. To blossom into who you were meant to be.

Perhaps see, feel and imagine what this would be like and how you would act and react. See what actions you would take and what decisions you would make.

When you feel ready or the timer goes off, you can open your eyes.

Confidence Affirmations

I am enough, just the way I am.

I am seen, heard, understood and accepted.

No one can reject me because I don’t reject myself.

I am fully confident in my capabilities and embrace my flaws.

I am valuable, my opinions matter and I have so much to offer.

I am learning and growing every day.

I accept compliments easily.

I am stronger than I believe and braver than I think.

No one is above or below me; I am equal to others.

What people think of me has nothing to do with me.

Loved

When it comes to giving and receiving more love in your life, it’s important to understand that it can’t be found in the outside world – it must come from within. Although research has found most people of all ages feel lonely at some point, the Dalai Lama claims that once you start to think compassionately, then your attitude towards others changes and you can never feel truly lonely. Compassion will produce a positive, friendly atmosphere in which you create the possibility of receiving affection. This kind of openness allows deeper connections to be formed.

Without an open attitude we are closed, easily irritated and indifferent, making it harder for true relationships to even begin. We can’t expect others to respond positively to us without taking the initiative and looking within. Since relationships form a mirror for all our beliefs, we must look at how we may be responsible for the way we treat others, how they treat us and the outcomes we are experiencing.

Love takes many forms but in the context of this chapter we are going to focus on our romantic relationships. When we approach love with underlying limiting ideas, it will always feel like an elusive feeling, something reserved for others that we can’t seem to hold onto. We may pick partners who make us feel unlovable or bring us anxiety. Like all the feelings I have spoken of, our beliefs around love stem from how we saw love when we were growing up. It’s a feeling that tends to run deep because it starts when we are very young, as love is one of our greatest needs as babies.

Relationships enhance the state of being we are currently experiencing. When you have a healthy, loving attitude towards yourself, others and life in general, you will be attracted to those who are able to give you the love you require. How far your current partner is from your core values and ideals usually reflects how you were feeling at the time you decided to pursue the relationship. If we search for love when we feel depressed or hopeless, we will usually attract someone who feels the same way.

The more we become true to ourselves and go in search of life, not love, the more attractive we become and the more easily true love can find us!

‘Every issue, belief, attitude or assumption is precisely the issue that stands between you and your relationship to other human beings; and between you and yourself.’ – Gita Bellin

Healing Any Hurt

The most common misconception is that love equals pain. If this is one of your unconscious beliefs, it will affect how you think and feel about relationships, ultimately influencing the decisions you make. You may be attracted to those who are emotionally unavailable and feel you need to fight and struggle to be loved. You may feel that your worth needs to be proved and if others don’t see your value, you work harder to show it.

Many of us never witnessed healthy, steady, stable love while growing up, so we don’t know how to replicate this in our adult lives. We often recreate situations that mirror how we felt as a child because this feels safe and is all we have ever known. If we had parents who were absent or neglectful, we may begin to believe that love isn’t available to us and is something we need to earn. If we felt rejected by our parents, we take on the idea that we aren’t loveable and don’t have a right to have our needs met. If we saw lots of unhappy couples when we were young, this can lead to negative expectations regarding intimacy.

These pieces of information are not processed by our logical mind, but become embedded within the creative, imaginative part of our thinking. But we should remember that our parents were only ever doing their best with the experiences they had. They can only love us in the way they know how. When we are young, we’re not able to rationalise how we feel or other people’s behaviour. Instead, we internalise our emotions and sometimes never fully process them.

There is a quote that states: ‘If you do not address your childhood traumas, your relationships will.’ Those who struggle with love or truly feeling loveable may have old wounds that need healing, through no fault of their own. If we saw healthy relationships growing up but had a few bad first experiences, this can also influence how we feel towards romantic partners. The suffering we unconsciously create by reliving the same situations stops us being fully able to receive love in the way we consciously desire.

Emotion can also be seen as energy in motion (e-motion). Holding onto old energy creates a build-up of tension, almost like a pressure cooker. Bottling up unprocessed hurts and pains can stop us from being truly present, as we project these feeling onto others and become very easily triggered. If our reaction to a situation is disproportionate to the event, then it’s most likely past experiences fuelling our reactions.

Try to remember that old experiences have already been and gone. We survived them. In order to break any patterns, so we can stop projecting these experiences into our future, we need to introduce more logic to our thinking processes. Most of our limitations were picked up at a time when we didn’t know any better and lacked the ability to see things objectively. The good news is that if you can learn one pattern of thinking, you can also learn another! When we change our thought processes and beliefs surrounding love, we change the experiences and people we attract into our lives. When we do this, we feel safer within ourselves to respond, rather than react, be confident rather than defensive and optimistic as opposed to cynical.

EXERCISE

Your Inner Child

This exercise is designed to help you connect to the younger version of you that perhaps needed to feel loved. If you feel any strong emotion during this meditation, I want you to release it and allow it to be expressed. Suppression leads to depression, so allow yourself to feel whatever comes up.

As for any meditation, there is no right or wrong way to do this and no right or wrong way to feel. This is a slightly more advanced and healing exercise, so give yourself plenty of time and take as long as you need. Maybe don’t set a timer for this one.

Make yourself comfortable sitting or lying down, close your eyes and move your attention away from the outside world towards your breathing. Connect to the anchor of your breath and allow it to soften slightly.

Soften any thoughts and any muscle tension as you allow yourself to give in to the feeling of relaxation. Feel, hear and sense your breath flowing through your body.

Spend a couple of minutes being aware of any thoughts trying to gain your attention and let them go, bringing your focus back to your breath. Just breathing in and out.

When you feel a sense of calm within, ask yourself how old is the part of you that wants to be loved? There is no correct answer here, so go with whatever comes to mind first. Maybe it relates to a specific time or event.

Imagine a place in which you both feel safe and invite the younger you into this space so you can be with them. This younger version of you may need a hug or some warmth, comfort or affection. Whatever they need, you are able to give them. You are also able to tell the younger you everything they need to know, so they can trust you are there to guide, help and support them.

Remind this child (or young adult) that they are so loved and safe. They are lovable just the way they are. If people couldn’t love them as they needed them to, it’s not their fault. Show this other version of you some healthy relationships and explain that love isn’t pain. Love doesn’t mean suffering and they are free to let go of all those ideas now. Let them go together. Breathe them away until you feel lighter.

The younger you is by your side, reminding you how loved you are, too. Reminding you that love isn’t pain and that you are worthy of being loved fully, truly, just the way you are. Imagine what it would be like as you bring these feelings into your life now.

When you feel ready, you can open your eyes.

Love from Within

To feel love and to be loving is one of the highest vibrational emotions we can experience. It brings feelings of peace, happiness and contentment, attracting situations that reflect this positive energy. Love dissolves anxiety, pain and suffering. There is a verse in the Bible that defines this feeling. Even if you are not religious it is still very powerful. It states:

‘Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.’

We can never be responsible for other people’s limiting ideas and how they choose to treat us – we can only ever stay true to ourselves. People can only love us at the level they know how and meet us as deeply as they have met themselves. It takes courage and strength to keep choosing love, even when you have been hurt and disappointed. It can take even more strength to let go of the people we know are not good for us, but as we grow what we become attracted to changes. You learn that someone who shows disrespectful, inconsistent or abusive behaviour has their own triggers which are not yours to fix.

Self-love really is the key to attracting the right love into our lives, as we move our focus away from others onto ourselves and our own needs. This gives us self-respect, strong boundaries and an inner confidence – we believe we are fully worthy of naturally giving and receiving love that doesn’t cause anxiety, fear or panic. The most important words we will ever hear are the ones we say to ourselves. We need to have a healthy relationship with who we are, giving ourselves the love we wish to receive. This in turn teaches other people how we should be treated.

True happiness will never be found in another person. Disney movies may have taught us this illusion, but it only ever leads to co-dependency, a need for external validation that we are lovable and a belief that we are incomplete without love. We can lose ourselves in a relationship and feel empty when it is no longer there. Contrary to what we are led to believe, no one can come and save us. We must find the strength to be our own best friend and become the person we want to attract. What we seek in others is usually what we feel we lack in some way. Your main priority should always be you.

When we search too hard for love or force connections that aren’t coming naturally, we create resistance which can prevent us receiving what is really meant for us. There is an old saying: ‘Love comes when we least expect it’. By searching for ways to enrich our current circumstances and searching for new experiences we step out of our comfort zone. By doing things differently, we attract different things into our lives!

If we focus on the love that we currently have around us, the more we shift our attention to what we have rather than what we don’t. Love is the same emotion as gratitude. Every time we practise gratitude, we are essentially practising love. We can change what feelings are normal for us, so we don’t self-sabotage when loving conditions present themselves. Remember, each time you meditate you are simply breaking down your old ways of thinking and with time impulsive behaviours will dissipate.

Having an abundance mentality can really help when it comes to love. Believing there is more than enough love available for you and there are more than enough prospective partners can help you practise the art of non-attachment – we can be loving without wanting to receive. We don’t have to get too attached to outcomes. Instead, we can enjoy the uncertainty of finding a partner, feeling more at ease with the process of discovery.

Moving forward, we may need to ask ourselves: what do I need to give up to find the love I want? What do I need to come to terms with to receive this love and what is the next step to creating this future? It should be a fun, enjoyable experience and if it’s not in any way, remember to bring your focus back to yourself.

Remember, you don’t need a romantic partner to practise giving and receiving love. Indeed, feeling more open, free and compassionate will improve the relationships you have with others in all areas of your life. Research has shown that the quality of the connections we have with others and our everyday interactions can help both our physical and mental health.

‘Choice is your greatest power. It is an even greater power than love, because you must first choose to be a loving person.’ – Caroline Myss

EXERCISE

Heart Breathing

If we are to feel more love in our lives, we must be open to giving and receiving it. This meditation is designed to help you get used to the feeling of being receptive to love.

Make yourself comfortable and close your eyes. Slowly bring your attention to the anchor of your breath.

Focus on bringing your attention to your heart area. Whenever we have blocks to love, we usually feel them within this part of the body. Feel yourself breathing in and out of your heart as you allow air to fill this space and leave it. Whatever sensations occur, just allow them to be there.

Whenever your mind tries to solve any problems, just bring your attention back to your heart. Just be with your breath and your body.

Perhaps feel your heart opening and expanding. Feel open to love in whatever way it wishes to flow to you today. Give more compassion to those around you as you go about your day.

Feel an abundance of warmth and love, in this very moment. An internal feeling that no one can take away from you. If you wish, repeat the affirmation, ‘I am loved and I am safe to give and receive love’.

Settled and secure, when you feel ready or the timer goes off, you can open your eyes.

Loved Affirmations

Love is fully available to me.

I am safe to give and receive love.

Love is joy and happiness.

I am filled with love and compassion towards others.

I am worthy of having my needs met.

I embrace the uncertainty of relationships.

I love who I am and so do others.

I am open to love and find it everywhere I go.

I am worthy of healthy, loving connections.

I choose to be a loving person every single day.

Mindful

Being mindful means remaining present and letting go of the past as well as the future. When we are mindful, we become more aware of what is happening in the here and now; we are more conscious of our surroundings and develop a deeper self-awareness as to what is going on in our own thought processes. We pay greater attention to what is happening around us, both internally and externally. Remember, the past no longer exists. You have survived everything that has happened to you up until this moment and it has made you who you are today. Bad memories should not define who you are or what you are capable of. Also, the future hasn’t happened yet and is still to be created. All the power you have and will ever need is in the now.

Mindfulness helps us take back control of our own minds and what is happening around us, allowing us to gain a neutral perspective. Awareness allows us to break down any default ways of thinking our minds may have become accustomed to.

Remember, our minds develop strategies to keep us safe and our auto-pilot actions and reactions have become part of who we are. When we slow down and change these ways of thinking, we can make shifts on an unconscious level. Mindfulness makes the unconscious conscious.

Try to think of thought processes like paths in the grass. If one route has been walked down many times, it can seem a much easier road to take. However, each time we stop and take a new and unexplored path – which, initially, may not be the easiest – that pathway becomes clearer and the older one becomes overgrown. We can relate this analogy to the connections in our minds. Our thoughts have been working in a certain way for so long that it’s easier to resort to a default mode. Stopping, taking a step back and choosing to think, feel and act differently may take effort and feel uncomfortable at first, but you are paving the way for a new you. These ways of living then become your new normal.

All meditation can be seen as a form of mindfulness. Meditation has been shown to be as powerful as antidepressants in helping to regulate our mood and emotions and enhance well-being in all areas of our lives. Each time you practise how you want to feel, old neural pathways (or paths in the grass) are broken down and you essentially build and strengthen new ones.

‘Mindfulness isn’t difficult. We just need to remember to do it.’ – Sharon Salzberg

Overcoming Overthinking

Our minds like to process information, analyse potential problems and find solutions. It’s what they were designed to do. If for some reasons these thoughts become repetitive, we can find ourselves overthinking a certain situation and getting stuck in what are called negative thought loops. Habitual overthinking or rumination can have a detrimental effect on our mental health as these cycles can become draining, frustrating and debilitating. These processes occur when we are looking for answers and our short-term memory can become consumed with trying to comprehend a situation. Constantly overthinking everything we do, every situation we have been in or what could happen in the future can ultimately decrease our confidence as we lose trust in ourselves and our abilities.

Mindfulness helps us to clear the problems from our minds and find a sense of peace. We may also find that in meditation we are able to see a situation from a new perspective and can then complete the loop and let it go. When you realise that overthinking is just an incomplete thought process, it helps you better understand why your mind is replaying certain situations.

Gaining confidence, closing the thought loops and becoming more present enables you to let go of what you can’t control and focus on what you can with a clearer mind and fresh perspective. This may take time and practice as we can become addicted to a certain way of thinking. We can become addicted, through no fault of our own, to making things harder than they need to be, self-sabotaging our own happiness. We can search for problems that don’t exist, always looking for things to prove or improve.

By reliving traumatic events, we keep them active in our energy. If we fear worst-case scenarios, we are suffering before they have even happened. Such thought processes will never bring us a happy, fulfilled life. Very often, we don’t need to focus on becoming happy or upbeat; we just need to concentrate on the here and now, so life doesn’t pass us by. Learn to take one step at a time as you gain control of your mind, so that it doesn’t control you.

If we don’t like something, the only power it holds over us is our attention to it. Where we place our attention is our choice and we can always bring it back to what we are doing, thinking and feeling in any current moment.

MINDFUL

‘If it’s out of your hands, it deserves to be out of your mind too.’

– Ivan Nuru

EXERCISE

The Floating Cloud

This technique is great for clearing any clutter from your mind to help you gain clarity. It’s one you can use in any meditation if you feel your mind becoming overactive or even throughout the day if you find yourself caught in loops of repetitive thinking.

Make yourself comfortable sitting or lying down and close your eyes. If your mind is extremely active, I recommend meditating for as long as you can for this exercise. I sometimes even repeat the meditation if I haven’t been able to quieten my thinking the first time round. Each time you practise this exercise, the easier it will get.

I want you to learn to enjoy what it feels like to clear your mind and have relief from thinking. As you close your eyes, bring your attention to your breathing. Let go of the past, let go of the future. All that exists is this current moment. Nothing is needed from you and there is nowhere you need to be. All that matters is the here and now.

Slowly bring your focus to each part of your body, starting with your head and moving down to your toes, as every muscle softens and relaxes. Give in to the natural pull of gravity as all your attention is focused on complete comfort.

In your imagination now, see or feel what it would be like to float on a very soft, white cloud. Perhaps you are up away from everything that is going on in your life right now, perfectly safe, perfectly protected. Sink into the cloud with every breath and appreciate the space around you.

See any thoughts that come into your mind as smaller clouds floating next to you. Just observe them, seeing them as separate to you just for this moment, and let them float away. As the sky clears, your mind clears, feeling open, free and light. With every breath the sky is becoming clearer and clearer.

You could imagine a soft, white cloud filling every corner of your mind, dissolving any pressure, tension, cares or worries, in this moment just for you. This is your time away from the outside world. Connect to the softness of this space, connect to the softness in your body. Your breath, body and mind all soft.

When you feel ready or the timer goes off, you can open your eyes. Repeat if you wish.

Responding, Not Reacting

Our first instinct in challenging times is to think our way out of a problem, which can lead to obsessive thoughts or trying to push our feelings away. Trying to push a feeling away is like being told ‘Don’t think of a blue monkey’. Our unconscious mind doesn’t hear the word ‘don’t’ and we automatically think of the very thing we are trying to avoid. This is the reason we should never try to push our pain away. There is a quote by Carl Jung, a famous psychoanalyst, that states, ‘What we resist, persists’. By trying to avoid thoughts we simply bury them, and this can cause a build-up of emotions, manifesting in greater problems as we become more reactive to life and often attracting the very things we wish to avoid.

Our minds are always on our side and unhelpful feelings are only ever trying to tell us something, perhaps that there is an issue which needs to be addressed or a lesson to be learned. When a situation is triggering, it can feel like our buttons are being pressed and we may have quite impulsive reactions to certain conditions or people. It’s our job to understand what is being triggered within us and to ask ourselves how we can be aware of this and so respond differently.

Mindfulness helps us to take a step back and notice when old familiar patterns are reoccurring. Something I like to say to both myself and my clients is ‘Breathe it in’. Whenever you are feeling triggered or uncomfortable, simply breathe it all in – the fear, the stress, the anger or frustration. Imagine breathing through the difficult moment and allowing it to be without feeling the need to change, fix or solve anything. This brings a greater level of acceptance to any situation or feelings we are experiencing. We are then able to ask what we need to believe, think or feel in order to become the person we wish to be right now, again by breathing and slowing down.

When we learn not to act on impulse, we begin to accept a situation as it is and understand that not every action needs a reaction. Building healthy ways of dealing with how we are feeling allows us to be in the moment more, both with ourselves and others. Pay closer attention to your surroundings, really listen to what people are saying to you, listen to your body and mind and accept what is. If we take care of the here and now, the future will take care of itself – and not only will you benefit, but the people around you will too.

MINDFUL

‘Be happy in the moment, that’s enough. Each moment is all we need, not more.’

– Mother Teresa

EXERCISE

The Mindful Meadow

The mindful meadow is a place you can access anywhere and at any time. It’s somewhere for you and only you, as you connect to your power, peace and purpose.

Make yourself comfortable sitting or lying down, then close your eyes. Just be aware of every part of your body. Notice how each body part feels as you allow your breath to flow in and out through your nose.

Feel the surface below you and hear any sounds around you. If you have been experiencing any uncomfortable feelings, just breathe them all in and allow yourself to sink into a feeling of relaxation.

Accept what is right now. Accept what can’t be changed and take time out just for you. With every out breath, let go. Let go of any pain, shame, hurt or blame as you allow yourself simply to be. No problems need to be solved and nothing needs to be changed. Everything in this moment is enough. Just breathe in and out.

Putting any logic to one side, imagine entering a meadow. See and feel all the space around you. Don’t worry about where you came from or where you are going next. Just enjoy your time in this place.

Use the creative part of your mind to see, feel and sense the most wonderful place you can possibly think of. Slowly explore, slowly notice and slowly enjoy the nature. Everything simply being, everything just existing.

Feel the sun providing warmth, energy, protection and strength. Recognise a river that goes where life takes it, the trees that stand tall and strong despite any storms, the flowers that blossom and bloom despite any weeds, the birds free to rise into the sky away from the world and the clouds that pass in the sky without needing any judgement.

Just notice. Bring this feeling of what it’s like to slow down and notice life. To feel strong and steady, protected and provided for, with the strength to grow and the ability to soar with courage and conviction. No one given moment will ever be the same again and all the power you ever need is right here, right now.

Mindful and mellow.

Peaceful and powerful.

Hopeful and happy.

Spend as little or as long as you wish here, then when you are ready or the timer goes off, you can open your eyes.

Mindful Affirmations

I am in the here and now.

Everything I need is in this current moment.

I let go of the past and any fear of the future.

I allow myself to take one step at a time.

I accept this current moment, just the way it is.

I respond to life, rather than react to it.

I slow down and appreciate the little things in life.

I am grounded, safe and strong.

I take time to breathe and slow down.

All that exists is the present and I fully appreciate it.

Focused

Where you choose to focus your attention is so powerful. When we put our full energy into an activity, we do our best work. And when we are fully absorbed in a task, we experience high positive emotion, known as a flow state, in which our attention feels effortless and comes to us naturally. Focus is important in both work and in our personal lives, and our inability to focus often comes from a restless and scattered mind. It’s one of the biggest challenges many people face and can influence what skills we learn and what thoughts we pay attention to.

We all have a natural ability to focus and engage in a task. What stops us from doing so is usually fatigue, fear, stress or disinterest. Each of us has a certain amount of energy each day and how we use that energy is entirely our choice. We have the choice of paying attention to thoughts and actions that will ultimately drain our energy in the long run, or we can do the things we know will pay off and make us feel good in the future.

There is a saying that if we commit to nothing, we will get distracted by everything. And in this digital age it is harder than ever to concentrate on one task.

Meditation can help clear the mind and organise thoughts so our life can become more organised too. When we have fewer intrusive thoughts, our concentration increases – studies have found a direct link between meditation practice and the ability to focus. It used to be agreed in scientific circles that the brain stays the same throughout our lives, but new findings have proved otherwise. Our brains are always changing, so if you have been easily distracted in the past, it does not mean you have to be unfocused moving forward.

Perhaps it is useful to think of meditation as a muscle. Each time you use your meditation muscle it becomes stronger. With that you become mentally stronger and your ability to make the choices that you know are in your best interests increases. Sometimes we just need to change the word focused to interested. We need to become more interested in what we wish to do and why we want to do it.

‘The direction of your focus is the direction your life will move. Let yourself move towards what is good, valuable, strong and true.’ – Ralph S. Marston

Dismissing Distractions

Remember, your mind is always listening to the words you say. If you tell yourself that you are easily distracted, then this is the set of conditions you will unconsciously create. In order to gain more clarity of thought to deliberately focus your awareness, you need to start believing this is something you’re capable of doing. You need to tell yourself you can and that you will become more focused. It’s a feeling and state that is available to every one of us.

To avoid distractions that will always be present, you need to bring your attention to why focus is so important to you. You need to become very clear about how you want your life to look. We only ever want to do or achieve something in life because we think it will make us feel a certain way. If we focus on not having something, this will create dissatisfaction and make us much less motivated to move forward, which will hinder performance. We need to learn to focus on why we want what we do and get better at feeling as if we have already achieved what we desire.

When we gain control of our focus, we also gain control of our emotions. We’re able to move our attention away from any negative thoughts, fears or limitations we may have imposed upon ourselves and take action from an inspired place. What you strengthen in meditation is the skill to redirect your ability to take control of your thoughts and life, with a clearer mind. You can gain more selective attention and eliminate distractions around you.

Most people think meditation is used for feeling more relaxed and reducing stress, but it’s also very demanding of your attention and focus. Many studies have shown that people who meditate are able to complete tasks much more successfully than non-meditators. Whether you’re focusing on simply relaxing, a visualisation, an affirmation, an idea or your breath … it all requires concentration. Each time you practise meditation your focus will slowly begin to improve and you’ll start to notice the benefits in all areas of your life.

By recognising when our minds are beginning to stray and bringing them back to what we wish to focus on we learn to direct our attention with greater ease. The more we do this, the easier it becomes. Dandapani, a former monk and now spiritual teacher, talks about the Law of Practice, which asserts that we become good at what we practise. If we practise concentrating every day, we become good at concentrating. If we practise distraction, we become good at distraction!

FOCUSED

‘Focus means eliminating distractions, not just from other people, but the things we do to distract ourselves.’

– Catherine Pulsifer

EXERCISE

Mind Tennis

This meditation is designed to help increase concentration, dismiss distractions and build your focus muscle. If you struggle with attention, I recommend you do this for a short period of time at first and then slowly work your way up to 10 minutes.

Make yourself comfortable, sitting upright for this one if you can. I want you to find an object in front of you to focus on. It can be anything – what it is has no relevance.

Now soften your gaze with your whole attention on this one object. Your eyes are soft now as you close them and just try picturing the object in front of you still.

Be aware of any tension you are holding in your body and ensure your jaw, shoulders and stomach are all relaxed. Allow your breath to soften as it simply flows in and out of your body, just naturally supporting you.

If your mind wanders or you are no longer able to visualise the object, you can open your eyes again at any time to refresh your memory before closing them once more.

As you see this object in your mind, I want you to notice any thoughts that come up. You may be thinking of what you could be doing, would be doing or should be doing. You may be wondering if you are doing this right or not. You may feel bored already. Whatever thoughts come to mind, I want you to notice them and simply imagine gently batting them away. Almost like you are playing a game of tennis.

There is no right or wrong way to do this, so whatever you are doing is enough. Recognise any part of your mind that is trying to distract you and gain the power to harness your awareness and bring it back to a focal point.

Remember, we are not trying to eliminate thoughts altogether, as that is impossible. We are just training the mind to come back to the task at hand, in this case the one object, so that over time we can increase our attention span.

If any sounds arise around you, just notice them without judgement. Stay as focused as you can.

When you feel ready or the timer goes off, you can open your eyes.

Flowing, Not Forcing

When we meditate, we don’t search for direction; we simply become open and receptive to allowing direction to find us. With direction comes focus. Gaining clarity of thought enables us to see things from a different perspective and we learn to be present in the moment, free from fear or stress. When our minds are more relaxed our thoughts are more coherent, and this is reflected in the work we do and our capacity to concentrate.

Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, a happiness researcher, discovered that genuine satisfaction was found when someone becomes completely absorbed in a task, in a state known as the Flow State. In this state, which usually involves a creative element, we lose all sense of consciousness and perception of time. The Flow State has been defined as a condition in which you are pulled forward by big goals and yet are happy with where you are now. It creates feelings of growth and positivity. Cultivating more flow in our lives increases our overall well-being, creativity and productivity. Feelings of flow are different for everyone but to achieve this feeling usually requires a high level of interest in life, persistence, low self-centredness and the ability to ‘zone out’ from distractions.

We can achieve a flow state by finding a task that is challenging for us and yet within our skill set. This activity will require all our attention and focus, and we need to have clear goals and be intrinsically motivated. Taking action for the pure purpose of feeling good, inspired and free from what other people think of us is the ultimate goal.

If we feel we are forcing ourselves to focus on certain tasks, we can often feel an element of control has been taken away from us. But remember you always have choices. You are always in control and always have other options, whatever they may be. By introducing an element of freedom, we bring a feeling of power over our circumstances. Finding activities in which you can fully absorb yourself for your complete enjoyment helps you harness not only more joy but also more focus.

The Law of Attraction will always bring into our lives what we match to vibrationally with the emotions we predominantly experience. The more we bring flow into our days, the more experiences we will attract that allow us to focus on what we enjoy and ultimately on our own sense of self and happiness. We also train our minds to focus on what we want to create and why, without letting any obstacles get in our way.

FOCUSED

‘The happiest people spend much time in a state of flow – the state in which people are so involved in an activity that nothing else seems to matter; the experience itself is so enjoyable that people will do it even at a great cost, for the sheer sake of doing it.’

– Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi

EXERCISE

The Uplifted Arrow

This exercise is designed to help you find your feeling of flow. The more we practise this feeling and bring it into our everyday life, the more engaged and attentive we can become in everything we do. The longer you set aside for this exercise, the better, so you can really absorb yourself in the meditation.

Make yourself comfortable sitting or lying down, then close your eyes and bring your attention to your breath. Let your breath flow in and out of your body.

Notice where you are holding any tension and allow yourself to relax. With every breath relax a little bit more as you release any pressure you have been putting on yourself.

After breathing for a few moments, let go that little bit more. If any thoughts are trying to gain your attention, bring your awareness back to the gentle, natural rhythm and flow of your breath. Breathe away any fear and breathe in a feeling of safety.

Putting any logic to one side for a moment, I want you to imagine an arrow. This arrow may have been stuck in the ground with no direction and nowhere to go. Don’t judge the arrow for how it got there; instead feel, sense or see yourself removing it from where it is buried.

An arrow can only be launched forward when it has been pulled back. If you have been facing any hard times, know this is only going to help the arrow even more. Change any pain to power as you imagine pulling the arrow back and launching it into the air. You can aim it in a general direction – as long as it’s moving it doesn’t matter where it is headed.

Now connect to what it would feel like to be the tip of the arrow, moving forward through the sky. There is so much space around you as you create a lot of room in your mind. As you focus on the arrow, focus on your breathing.

This arrow has so much momentum behind it, it simply can’t stop. Feel the momentum, and sense what this looks and feels like. The arrow keeps going – it keeps flying through the sky with nothing holding it back. With focus and freedom, conviction and clarity, nothing can stop this arrow from heading to where it’s going.

Enjoy the feeling of soaring through the sky, free and detached from the outside world, not being stopped by anything or swayed in another direction.

Thoughts will try to gain your attention, that’s normal. Simply bring your attention back to the idea of the arrow or the sensation of the breath.

When you feel ready or the timer goes off, you can open your eyes.

Focused Affirmations

I am in complete control of where I place my focus and attention.

I have all the energy I need to get things done.

I free myself from distractions that drain my energy.

I gain mental clarity and move forward with purpose.

Nothing can stop my progress.

Every day my concentration increases in every way.

I stay focused on what I intend to do.

My mind is clear, calm and free.

I become more interested in tasks that absorb my attention.

I am the creator of my own reality and always have choices.

Final Thoughts

When Buddha was asked what he gained from meditation he replied ‘nothing’. He did, however, state what he lost from meditation: anger, anxiety, depression and insecurity. Nothing miraculous happens when our eyes are closed; when our eyes are open we notice small changes, which then lead to bigger shifts.

With practice you can gain a deeper level of self-awareness through meditation that will improve all areas of your life. An old saying states: ‘Silence isn’t empty; it’s full of answers.’ Meditating for just 5–10 minutes a day can change your whole day. You start by changing your days and then your weeks start to change. Those weeks turn into months and those months turn into years.

When we make happiness our goal in life, we’re not only helping ourselves but also everyone around us and those we interact with. We’re also helping the planet as a whole – in fact, many studies have shown a direct link between increased happiness and gratitude and reduced consumerism. As we build a stable internal world which is detached from a materialistic one, we need less to become more joyful and fulfilled.

I hope after reading this book and working through the exercises you too can see the value in simply closing your eyes and allowing your mind to work for you rather than against you. It’s a practice that should be prioritised because you can’t create an abundant, happy, peaceful life without establishing the right internal conditions first. Everything we see in our external world is just a reflection of what is happening in our own thought processes and perceptions. Our unconscious mind does not respond to logic, so the more creative and intuitive you can become in your meditations, the better.

If you are a person who struggles to let go, look for any need you may have to be in control. Beneath control always lies fear, although your mind is just trying to keep you safe. If deeply ingrained thought processes have been present for a long time, resistance is normal. However, be persistent and don’t judge yourself for it. All the answers are within you; you just need to learn to let go in order to find them. We need to know that when times are tough, we can do less, not more.

Our minds are not as complex as we think and science has shown that we are able to make fundamental changes through meditation. Who you are is not set in stone. I see people self-sabotaging good things coming their way all the time because they are conditioned to think that life needs to be a struggle and a fight.

We sometimes just need to trust that the path of least resistance will take us to where we need to be. This doesn’t mean no resistance, and it doesn’t mean we won’t face challenges, but happiness can never be found by thinking we need to prove our value or worth. Meditation is breathing, trusting and letting go of everything we think we should be. The less defensive and on guard we learn to be, the more open we can become to manifesting and receiving what we truly want from life.

Happiness is within you. It always has been. You have the right to claim back that happiness, to create your own life story and to step into your true potential. The motivational speaker Dr Joe Dispenza famously stated that your personality determines your personal reality. So, give yourself permission to have more fun, be more creative and playful, and to laugh and smile more. The world can be your prison or your playground – and the magic of it is, only you can decide.

Happy meditating!

‘Meditation is a process of lightening up, of trusting the basic goodness of what we have and who we are, and of realising that any wisdom that exists, exists in what we already have. We can lead our life so as to become more awake to who we are and what we’re doing rather than trying to improve or change or get rid of who we are or what we’re doing. The key is to wake up, become more alert, more inquisitive and curious about ourselves.’ – Pema Chödrön

Acknowledgements

A huge thank you to each and every one of my clients. It’s your resilience and commitment to wanting to change your lives that has enabled me to develop these techniques in order to facilitate your journey. Your shifts have been inspiring and have kept me motivated to keep doing what I do. An additional thank you to those I am lucky enough to call my friends, especially Phoebe for your continued assistance and being my little ray of sunshine.

This book wouldn’t have been possible without my chief advisor, aka my mum, who introduced me to meditation when I faced my own struggles in life. You have also been fully dedicated to your own self-improvement and personal development, encouraging me to listen to Abraham Hicks and to trust in the Law of Attraction. I am lucky to have a parent who accepts any outlandish idea I have, allowing me to believe that anything is possible!

I would also like to thank my initial teacher, trainer and mentor Andrew Parr for his continued support and help throughout my career. Your kindness, understanding and encouragement has helped me transition through some major changes personally, allowing me to grow into my potential professionally. Without you, I wouldn’t be who I am today.

A final thank you to Kate Burkett and Hardie Grant for finding my work and trusting in my ability to write this. Your creative vision for this book has effortlessly brought it all together and it’s been a collaboration I have thoroughly enjoyed.

To anyone who is reading this and afraid to dream big, dream bigger!

Fiona Lamb is a critically acclaimed clinical hypnotherapist, trainer and meditation expert at Harley Street, London. She has treated thousands of clients and won Hypnotherapist of the Year 2020/2021 and 2021/2022 at London’s Prestige Awards.

Index

A
abundance 1, 2
acceptance 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
actions 1, 2, 3
affirmations 1
calmness 1
confidence 1
focusing 1
happiness 1
health 1
love 1
mindfulness 1
motivation 1
positivity 1
relaxation 1
success 1
anxiety 1, 2, 3
and negative thinking 1
social anxiety 1
attitude 1. see also mindset An Attitude of Gratitude 1

Attraction, Law of 1, 2, 3
awareness 1, 2
around money 1
self-awareness 1, 2

B
beliefs 1, 2, 3
around love 1
around wealth 1, 2
childhood 1, 2, 3
negative 1, 2
beta state 1
brain states 1, 2
brain waves 1, 2
breathing 1, 2. see also exercises

Buddha 1
burnout 1

C
calmness 1, 2
affirmations 1
exercises 1, 2
certainty, letting go of 1
change(ing) 1, 2, 3, 4
thought patterns 1, 2, 3
childhood beliefs 1, 2, 3
childhood trauma 1, 2
co-dependency 1
comfort zone 1, 2
compassion 1, 2, 3, 4
confidence 1, 2
affirmations 1
exercises 1, 2
consciousness 1

Map of Consciousness 1, 2
control 1, 2, 3, 4
creativity 1, 2
and anxiety 1, 2

Csikszentmihalyi, Mihaly 1

D

Dandapani 1
depression 1, 2
diet 1, 2

Dispenza Joe 1
distractions 1. see also focusing

E
emotions 1, 2. see also feelings
controlling 1
suppressing 1
energy 1
and thoughts 1
exercises 1

An Attitude of Gratitude 1

The Ball of Strength 1

Cord Cutting 1

Falling without Fear 1

The Floating Cloud 1

The Grounded Tree 1

The Happy Film 1

Heart Breathing 1

Identity, Intuition and Intention 1

Introductory Exercise 1

Mind Tennis 1

The Mindful Meadow 1

Permission to Bloom 1

Powerfully Positive 1

The Relaxed River 1

The Safe Sanctuary 1

Stand Down Soldier 1

The Two Paths 1

The Uplifted Arrow 1

The Wealth Waterfall 1

Your Inner Child 1

Your Success Story 1

Your Super Self 1
expectations, unrealistic 1
experiences 1, 2. see also the past

F
failure 1
faith vs uncertainty 1
fear 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
exercises 1
of making mistakes 1, 2
and negative thinking 1
scarcity mindset 1
feelings 1, 2, 3
negative 1, 2
positive 1, 2, 3
fight, flight or freeze response 1, 2, 3, 4
exercises 1
finances 1, 2
flow state 1, 2
focusing 1, 2
affirmations 1
exercises 1, 2
food 1, 2
forgiveness 1
the future 1, 2, 3
visualisation 1, 2

G
goals 1
gratitude 1, 2
exercises 1

H
happiness 1, 2, 3
affirmations 1
exercises 1, 2
and forgiveness 1
and gratitude 1

Hawkins, David R. 1, 2

Hay, Louise 1
health 1, 2
affirmations 1
exercises 1, 2
hypnotherapy 1

I
identity 1, 2
imagination. see creativity; exercises
imposter syndrome 1
inner child 1, 2
intentions 1, 2
intuition 1, 2

J
joy 1
judging others 1, 2

Jung, Carl 1

L

Law of Attraction 1, 2, 3
love 1, 2
affirmations 1
exercises 1, 2
self-love 1, 2, 3

M

Map of Consciousness 1, 2, 3
meditation 1, 2, 3, 4. see also exercises
benefits of 1, 2, 3
creative mind method 1
and hypnotherapy 1
meditation stations 1
mental health 1
influence on physical health 1
and overthinking 1
mindfulness 1, 2
affirmations 1
exercises 1, 2
mindset 1, 2, 3
mistakes 1, 2
money 1, 2
mood menu 1
moods 1
happy 1
motivation 1, 2
affirmations 1
exercises 1, 2

N
negative thinking 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
overthinking 1
neural pathways 1, 2, 3
neuroplasticity 1

O
optimism 1
overthinking 1

P
parasympathetic nervous system 1
the past 1, 2
healing from 1
influence of 1, 2, 3
learning from 1
releasing yourself from 1
patience 1
peace
inner peace 1
prioritising 1
people-pleasing 1
perfectionism 1
personality 1
positive feelings 1
positivity 1, 2
affirmations 1
exercises 1, 2
power, reclaiming 1, 2
practice 1
the present 1, 2
mindfulness 1

R
reacting vs responding 1
rejection 1
relationships 1
relaxation 1, 2
affirmations 1
benefits of 1, 2
exercises 1
and patience 1
resistance, releasing 1
responding vs reacting 1
rest and digest state 1
risk taking 1, 2
rumination 1

S
safety (feeling safe). see also calmness
exercises 1
survival mode 1
scarcity mindset 1
self-awareness 1, 2
self-love 1, 2, 3
self-sabotage 1, 2, 3
self-worth 1, 2, 3, 4
shame 1
silence, power of 1, 2
social anxiety 1
success 1, 2
affirmations 1
exercises 1, 2
faith vs uncertainty 1
survival mode 1, 2
sympathetic nervous system 1

T
tension 1, 2
theta state 1
thoughts 1
and energy 1
negative 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6
positive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
repetitive 1, 2
thriving 1
trauma 1, 2, 3
trigger points 1, 2

U
uncertainty vs faith 1

V
victim mentality 1, 2, 3
visualisation 1
exercises 1

Published in 2023 by Hardie Grant Books, an imprint of Hardie Grant Publishing

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Meditate Yourself Happy
eISBN: 9781784886080

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