Birthing Balls
Author: Andie M. Long
Date: 2017-09-07 04:00:00+00:00
Description: HE TURNERS RETURN... Lindsay and Beth's pregnancies progress, with Beth looking like a supermodel and Lindsay looking like...well...Buddha. Meanwhile, a panicking Tyler practices being a dad by borrowing a fake baby... Dora anticipates a sexy surprise, except that's not what happens, leading to unwanted attention from an old friend of Tim's. With this, and her about to be a grandma, Dora decides maybe it's time to start playing bingo and give up on trying to look good. With a strange jogger-wearing mother appearing, Cam and Beth once again unite to get revenge. This time on the man causing Dor
Publisher: Createspace

Contents

Title Page

Copyright

Acknowledgements

British/Yorkshire Slang Guide

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Also from Andie M. Long

About Andie

BIRTHING BALLS

Ball Games Book Seven

Andie M. Long

This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or locales is entirely coincidental.

No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system without the written permission of the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

Copyright (c) 2017 by Andrea Long

All rights reserved.

Cover by Andie M. Long. Photo from Adobe Stock.

Thank you to all my squad/crew/tribe/team for all that you do.

Andie
xxx

British/Yorkshire Slang Guide

Arse - word for butt/ass, but can also be used as an insult that someone is being a dick. Also Arsehole - being a complete idiot.

Ball and Chain - old slang term for wife, insinuating that they stop you from doing things.

Belch - burp.

Binned off - dumped.

Blokes - men.

Bollocks - shouted when you’ve either fucked up (done something wrong), or to tell someone to get lost.

Bugger off - telling someone to get lost

Caterwaul - a hideous wailing noise

Cut her some slack - give her time

Dumb prick - stupid idiot

Fucktard - insult that the person is an idiot of the highest order

Gobsmacked - totally shocked

Lairy - being a bit silly and over the top.

Love - term of endearment.

Lumping in - eg don’t lump me in with that. Put with it.

Making crap up - lying, bullshitting

Mate - friend

Missus - wife, sometimes also used for long term girlfriend

Morons - idiots

Pal - friend

Peed - means urinate but peed off means really annoyed.

Rat-arsed - very drunk

Saddo - pathetic

Shove - push

Skint - has no spare money to spend

Slap and tickle - foreplay, making out

Sleazebag - someone who makes your skin crawl because they’re giving you unwanted innuendo or sexual signals.

Tums - an indigestion remedy like the Gaviscon also mentioned

Wind up - torment, (pronounced wined not winned.)

Wanker - best diss ever in this author’s opinion. Means total tosspot, biggest idiot/loser. Can also be accompanied by the miming of jacking off for emphasis.

Chapter One

February 2017

Dora

“You got married without me being there?”

I imagine you’d be able to hear the banshee style screech all the way to Australia. I know here in Rotherham I’m holding the phone a foot away from my ear.

“Yes, mother. I think you’ll find you only actually need the groom there to have the wedding. Mother’s are an optional extra and with it being a secret wedding,” I emphasised the word secret, “no-one was there. Not the kids, not Miranda, just myself, Tim, the registrar and the witnesses.”

“Strangers.” She wails. “Strangers saw my baby girl get married, but I didn’t. But never mind, it’s alright. Miranda made sure I was there for her first wedding and I’ll be centre stage at her second. She’s promised me that she would never, (there was that word emphasis again), ever, get married without me there. “I even had you there at my own wedding,” she adds for effect.

“Mother, the fact you were pregnant with me and got married super fast before you showed, does not mean I was an invited guest at your wedding.” God, she is so fucking dramatic about everything.

“Miranda is coming over on Sunday and bringing Vic with her. I’m so looking forward to meeting her fiance.”

“Oh that sounds lovely.” I lie. I’ve met Vic once when he was serving behind the counter at Waterstones and my sister has been dating him for two whole weeks.

I turn the oven timer on for one minute.

“So, will you be having a blessing?” asks my mother. “You know, for the people who didn’t get to see the ceremony.”

“No, because that would make my wedding rather pointless wouldn’t it? We might as well have had a wedding for everyone if we were going to do that.”

“Precisely.” Adds my mother. God, she’s got a good aim at sticking those knives in. She should have been in the circus.

“Cam has insisted on throwing us a wedding reception.” I inform her. “You are more than welcome to come to that.”

“Oooh, I’ll be able to buy a new outfit after all.”

“Well, don’t get too carried away,” I add, “It’s being held at Kid Zone.”

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.

I don’t hear my mother’s response thanks to my beautiful kitchen timer.

“Ooh, I’ve got to go, Mum. Otherwise the buns will burn. Love you, speak soon.”

I press the red button that cancels the call, place the phone back in its holder and reach over to turn off the timer.

“I must have that disease objectophilia because I seriously real-life love you oven-timer.” I say. “Ooh and you coffee machine.” I address my Tassimo as I add a pod and press the button that will deliver me a delicious cup of nectar.

“And now I understand why you finally married me.” Tim comes walking into the kitchen. “You’ve gone completely certifiable, talking to kitchen appliances now. Do you want me to leave so as not to disturb you, wife?”

I reach up on tiptoes to kiss him. “Good morning, husband. As long as you don’t ask me which I love more, you or the coffee machine, we will have a lovely day. My phone call to my mother is done. Don’t ask.” I tell him as he opens his mouth, “and now we have the whole day to ourselves. What shall we do?”

He winks and then the coffee machine makes a whoosshing noise as it finishes. “Get your coffee first, you saddo. Then come back upstairs.”

“Oooooooooohhhh.” I yell. Then I shove Tim off me.

“Fuck, I’m in agony. Sorry, love.” I sit up and rub under my rib cage. “I will have to go to the docs because  I keep having this pain and indigestion.”

“Feels like a heart attack doesn’t it, love?” Tim references his recent heart scare which turned out to be indigestion.

“No, this is under my ribs. It frikking hurts.”

“Well, get to the docs and get sorted.” He says.

I smile at him. My husband is so caring.

“Right, are you okay now?” He shoves his dick back towards me. What was I just saying?

The G.P. isn’t sympathetic either.

“It sounds like acid reflux. Quite common at your age. We’ll do some bloods though.”

“So how do I get rid of it?” I ask.

“Don’t eat too late at night and cut down on things like coffee and chocolate.”

“I might as well die.” I slump in my seat.

“Dora, we’re not getting any younger. We have to start taking better care of ourselves.”

I’m really beginning to dislike this G.P. She’s about a decade older than I am, she shouldn’t be lumping me in with her. She looks at me and pats my arm.

“Dora, you look fantastic for your age, but inside you’re getting older. You have to face facts. Now book in with the nurse to get your bloods done and we’ll take it from there.”

On my return home I drink four Americanos and eat three medium sized Toblerones. I inform Tim that he can go down the pub for his tea because I’m choc full. Not only that but I’m fucking buzzing. I only usually have two or three coffees a day and I’ve had four in an hour. I decide to wind my sister up.

With my calling number blocked I listen as it makes two ringing noises and then I hang up. I do this five times. Then I go on Facebook and post a picture of her when she was three and had wanted to dress up as Madonna and nicked my mum’s 40D bra. I do the drop call on her mobile phone three times and then I ignore her when she calls me back. I let her talk to the answering machine.
“Dora. Grow the fuck up. Shouldn’t you and Tim be in the honeymoon stage still? Has it gone stale already?”

Oh bugger off. She’s killing my buzz. What can I do now?

I decide to dress up in my best lingerie and wait for Tim to come home. Then I’m going to seduce him. Miranda doesn’t know what she’s talking about. We’ve always had plenty of slap and tickle. I put on the black and red lacy set that I know he likes. It’s a bit tight around my waist as I bought the 34 inch instead of the 36 inch but I only need to wear it for a while, then it’ll be removed and flung off. I send him a text to get home quick with a wink emoticon.

I pop downstairs quickly to hide the evidence of my mass Toblerone eating and on my way back from the bin I spy our wedding photo on the mantelpiece. We only have a couple of photographs with it being a secret wedding. I smile a wide smile as I look at the both of us. Not bad for our ages at all, really. I put the photo back and accidentally knock it. The photo slips out of its frame and slides behind the surround. Fuck. I reach behind the surround and wiggle my hand and fingers trying to retrieve it. All that happens is I can feel a shit load of dust. Finally, I get the photo in my grasp and I pull my hand back, but it won’t come out. My hand and wrist are stuck behind the gap in the fire surround. I keep pulling but it’s no use. I’m stuck. Thank fuck Tim is on his way home.

Tim

It’s been a fab night in the Lion. I’ve bumped into an old mate of mine, Derek. We went to school together. Not seen him for years cos Dora wasn’t keen on him. In fact I think the words she used were dumb prick. Anyway, years have passed and we’re all a lot older and it’s been great having a catch up. He’s moved down the road from us after getting divorced. I get a text notification and look at my phone.

“Oh God, what’s she done now?” I exclaim.

“The missus?” Derek asks.

I sigh. “Yes. The message says ‘come home quick’ and there’s a shocked face emoticon.”

“Best get home, mate.”

I raise an eyebrow. “Yeah. It’s Dora though, Queen of Drama, so she’s probably broken a fingernail. Why don’t you call in with me and say hi?”

“Alright, mate. I will. It’ll be nice to catch up with the ball and chain who stole my mate.” He elbows me and we laugh.

I stick my key in the door.

“Dora?”

“In the living room, hurry up. I’m stuck.” She yells.

I look at Derek. “Come in, pal. Sounds like I might need you to give me a hand. God knows what she’s done now.”

We walk through into the living room and that’s where I discover my wife dressed in her finest, sexy, red and black lacy lingerie. One boob has escaped its moorings as she’s leaning over, and she has an arm stuck behind the fire surround.

“Tim.” She shrieks, covering her boob with her other hand.

“Dora.” I scream, running to cover her with my coat.

“Fucking hell, Dora, you’re still fit as fuck,” yells Derek, reminding me why I binned him off as a mate in the first place. Because he’s a sexist pig. “You’re making a tit of yourself right now though. Get it? Tit. Hahahaha.”

“I’ll be back in a minute, Dora. Let me just see Derek out now I know we don’t need his assistance.”

“Good to see you again, Dora.” He winks. “Saw a little more than I expected. Got to take it slow with me you know. Otherwise you come across as desperate.”

I see my wife smile sweetly at him. He’s fucked up. I don’t know when but he’s been given the look that means he will wish for death in his future. A quick death.

I see him out and return to Dora.

“Get me fucking out of here.” She screams. I’m tempted to leave her there until she learns some manners, but then I realize that she actually looks quite frightened so instead I go to get my drill and undo the screws and bolts that hold the surround up. You never know, if I’m super lovely and sympathetic to her, I might get another shag, cos I really like that undies set.

“There you go, wifey,” I announce and I help her to stand up. She clutches her wrist rubbing it and then stands up straight.
Then she grabs hold of her chest.

“Oh my God, the pain.” She rubs frantically and then she does the most enormous belch. It smells of Toblerone and coffee mashed together. My dick wilts. “I’ll go get you some of my tums,” I tell her.

“Why the fuck did you bring Derk the Jerk home with you?” Her face contorts with rage.

“He’s called Derek.”

“Not to me he’s not.”

“Hey, he thought he was helping. Cut him some slack.”

Dora’s eyes narrow. “The man perved over me in front of you, Tim. Does that not bother you?”

God, my wife could get very dramatic at times.

“That’s just Derek. He’s always been like that. He’s harmless. Anyway when he started getting lairy I sent him home.”

“Well we will have to agree to disagree on him being harmless. But for fuck’s sake Tim, I sent you a text that said come home with a wink emoticon. Why would you think I needed help from Derek? Are you trying to get me to have a threesome now with that fucktard? How many beers have you had cos you’re making no fucking sense.”

“What are you talking about? It was a shocked face emoticon.”

Dora grabs her phone and magnifies what she sent, thrusting it in my face. Shit.

“Get an appointment at the fucking opticians made tomorrow, Tim, before you invite anyone else home for a spot of nookie.”

“So, about that?” I say hopefully.

The look she gives me makes my dick wilt all over again. Sleep it is then.

Dora

Blokes are fucking morons. I wake up and feel the acid at my chest and back of my throat. It’s burning at me like my innards are going to dissolve. I walk into the bathroom where it promptly makes me throw up. I really did overdo the coffee and chocolate. I have to face facts. The fact is I’m getting older and I will have to embark on a life of moderation from now on.

Later, I'll go on Amazon and look up clean living books or how to cope with acid reflux tomes. In the meantime I’m off to Tyler’s and then to Kid Zone. This SEBI (Self employed Business Inspector) and BB (Baking Babe) has work to do.

My son let’s me into his home and I shrug off my shoes and walk into their living room.

“How are you, Linds?” I look at my son’s poor girlfriend. At her pale and drawn face. After a week’s respite she started throwing up again every single morning. At three and a half months pregnant the chances are it should stop any day now. I hope so because she looks miserable.

“She won’t eat her morning ginger biscuit.” Says Tyler in a scolding tone.

“I’m going to ram the next ginger biscuit you try to feed me up your arse.” Lindsay scowls, once again living up to her surname of Cross.

Tyler throws his hands up in the air. “You tell her, Mum. It’s what my followers recommend most of all. We had a poll.”

“I didn’t realise I was having a baby with Tyler and 3 million YouTube followers.” I watch as Lindsay’s hands bunch up into fists.

“Let me just update Tyler on a few business things and then I think you should come out to Kid Zone with me for a bit, Lindsay. Let’s get you out of the house. You can help me sort out the final details for the wedding reception with Cam.”

“Oh my God, yes. Get me out of this house and away from him. I’m going to get changed and brush my hair.” She says and leaves the room.

I watch my son let out a huge sigh which looks part frustration and part relief that she’s gone.

“I know it’s difficult.” I tell him. “It’s all new. Emotions run high and you can never know what the next day will be like.”

He nods. “I know, I never know what to expect when I wake up. Sometimes I feel proper teary, Mum, but I’m trying my best.”

I shake my head in disbelief. “I meant Lindsay, not you. Oh my God, Tyler. She’s growing a human being in her body, cut her some slack.”

Tyler’s lips move into a full on pout. “Why are the men left out of this? Just because the baby isn’t in my belly doesn’t mean I’m not being affected. I’m constantly stressed and on edge, worried that everything’s going alright. And I swear I’m having a sympathy pregnancy, look at my stomach,” he says, lifting up his tee shirt to show a puffy belly.

“That’s due to you eating up everything I go off, and the fact you’re not going to the gym because you’re too busy on your computer.” Lindsay walks back into the room.

“I’m hurt.” Says Tyler. “I have feelings too you know.”

“They don’t get it, men, do they?” Lindsey adds. “Did Tim still want sex a lot when you were pregnant?”

“LALALALALALALALALALALALALA” Tyler screams, with his hands across his ears. He runs from the room, tripping on the edge of the rug and landing flat on his back.

“God, yes. They have no idea about how tired you are. First, they don’t want it because they think their cock is that large it will somehow poke the baby and then once they know its okay, they can’t leave you alone. Especially because boobs get bigger.” I tell her.

“I’ve told him straight I’m not in the mood right now,” says Lindsay, glaring at my son who is still lying across the floor with his eyes squeezed shut and his hands still over his ears.

“Tyler, get up you moron.” She shouts. Bless her, she’ll be a great mum after dealing with my son for all these years.

“I told Ty, we needed to baby proof the house.” Adds Linds. “I said rugs were a trip hazard. Tyler said I was already being overprotective of a baby that wasn’t even here yet.” She looks at Tyler pointedly.

“What do you think about it now, Tyler?”

He opens his eyes and rolls onto his side. “Stop picking on me for making mistakes. I’ve read every book, every magazine and I’m prepared. Theory prepared. But practice? I don’t know anybody who has a baby. It’s not like you can borrow one is it? What if I fuck up?”

“Oh God, I think he’s having a panic attack.” I tell Lindsay and we sit watching my son getting paler by the minute. Then he sits up quickly.

“Mum. Could you organise me a fake baby? One of those that acts like a real one? I can practice then.”
Lindsay rolls her eyes. “Tyler. We don’t need a pretend baby. Seriously, we’ll have a real one soon enough.”

“I can do a great edit on it for the channel, and maybe a TV interview about it? Or magazine article?”

“Tyler.” Lindsey bellows. “This is our baby, our real life baby, not a subject for your YouTube. Do you hear me?”

Tyler nods at her. “You’re right. Sorry, Linds.”

“I’m going for a pee. Yet again this bugger is sitting on my bladder.” Says Linds, and she leaves the room.

“I’ll sort it.” I whisper to Tyler, he probably could do with the practice. If nothing else it might give him more confidence.

“I’m sure Lindsey will come around to the idea when she’s feeling a bit better.”

“Thanks, Mum.” He tells me. “Could you also help me to fold up this rug?”

I drive us to Kid Zone and I sit at my usual table, Lindsay taking a seat to my right. Cam comes to sit with us. She seems so much better since she got her staff organised. A lot happier and with the constant forehead crease she displayed now gone.

“Okay, Mum. We’re all set for the evening of Saturday 25 March. I know it’s a few weeks away, but I didn’t have any birthday parties booked for the Saturday or Sunday so I’m going to close early on the Saturday and close Sunday too.”

I’m actually shocked. My career girl is closing for the day. My face must tell all because my daughter laughs at me.

“I won’t be doing it again for a while. It’s not good for business, but I want to get rat-arsed and if I don’t close there are always the risk of staffing issues meaning I have to come in. It’s not happening. There’s no way I’m staying sober so I’ll need a lie in.”

Lindsay groans. “I’d kill for a lie in. The minute I wake up, I throw up.”
Cam pats her arm. “You poor thing. And you can’t drink either. Tell you what, I’ll get some fake alcoholic drinks for the party.”

“You're okay, I’ll just have water. I’m usually okay in an evening but I’ll stick to that to be on the safe side.”

“I’ll go and get you a bottle now. Coffee or tea, Mum?”

Fuck, moderation Dora.

“No, I’ll have a bottle of water too, please.”

“Oh-kay. Do not ask. Do not ask.” She mutters to herself as she walks away.

“Acid reflux,” I tell Lindsay. “It’s killing me. I’ve got to cut down on coffee and chocolate.”

“I have that.” Lindsay tells me. “I swear by Gaviscon. It doesn’t get rid of it but it helps.”

And we sit there bonding over heartburn until Beth flies through the door.

Her long hair is straightened, her make up on. She glides in to Kid Zone with a beaming smile across her face.

“Hey guys. Fantastic day isn’t it?”

“How are you feeling?” Cam asks her. Beth is pregnant with her second child and about a month behind Lindsay, so about eight or nine weeks along.

“I feel amazing. No tiredness, sickness. If it wasn’t for the tests and my stomach immediately pooching out a little, I’d question whether I was even pregnant. Right, off to check the empire.”

She continues her happy walk into the kitchen and I look at Lindsay.

“If I wasn’t needing to go puke before, I do now.” She growls. “That’s so fucking unfair. I haven’t even brushed my hair today.”

Chapter Two

March 2017

Tyler

“Hey all. So it’s Tyler here, the Bewildered Baby Daddy, and well, I have a secret.” I pick up the fake baby. “No, guys, we haven’t had the baby early. I have a pretend one, so that I can experience what it’s like to look after an infant. How cool is that? I’m taking the baby everywhere with me today. I’m out at a few meetings and basically I want to show Lindsay that it will not be as bad as she’s imagining. That our baby will fit around day-to-day life. It’s my parents wedding reception tonight and I’m looking forward to everyone meeting baby. So that said, he, cos its a boy doll, needs a name. So it’s over to you. Add a name to the poll and the most popular name wins!”

The fake baby lets out a cry and I feed it, burp it and change it. Then it sleeps. For hours. Then I repeat what I did before. This is a total piece of piss. I don’t know what people go on about complaining like babies are some earth shattering, life changing experience. I’ve even managed an hour of Forza on the Xbox.

Lindsay has gone out to see her mum and then she was going to Kid Zone later this afternoon to help get the place ready for the party so she hasn’t met our ‘baby’ yet. I know she wasn’t keen on the idea when my mum mentioned it, but I think it will give her some confidence in my abilities as a father. Plus the fake baby is so damn cute. I can’t wait to show him off tonight. He has a little mop of blonde fuzz on his head and blue eyes so he even looks like me a bit. Mum did good. She said that it made her feel broody herself for five minutes before she remembered all the sleepless nights and exhaustion. She likes to exaggerate does my mum though I love her dearly.

I settle down on the bed at the side of the baby and I have a few hours sleep. I want to be fresh for the party tonight. Another feed, wind, change and a bit of bonding and I place the baby in the crib and go to see which kid’s name won on my channel.

Baby McBabeface is the outstanding winner. I love it. My viewers are such a riot!

Baby McBabeface it is!

Lindsay arrives home looking happier than I’ve seen her in ages. “Everything’s set,” she tells me. “We just need to get a bite to eat then get ready and go enjoy ourselves for the evening. I’m not even feeling sick. I absolutely can’t wait. Couples night.” She announces.

“Yeah, about that,” I say and I introduce her to our son.

There’s a deadly silence followed by Lindsay’s face turning a weird shade of pink.

“Linds, I’ve started it now, people are interested and I’m enjoying it.” I protest at her thunder-faced reaction.

“I said I didn’t want a fake baby,” she screeches.

“Ssshh.” I rock the baby in my arms. “You’ll wake baby up.”

She looks at him, stood with her hip tilted and let’s out a large exhale of breath. “I guess he’s kind of cute.”

I grin. Ha, I knew I would win her over. “Do you want to hold baby?” I ask her.

“We need to give him a name.” She says.

“That is his name. Baby. Baby Mcbabeface.”

“Pardon?”

“I had a vote on my channel. That’s what won, so its baby for short but his whole name is Baby Mcbabeface.”

Lindsay gets right up in my personal space.

“Do not even think about asking for baby name ideas for our real baby.” Fuck, I can feel her breath on my face. I’m surprised dragon fire hasn’t come out of those flared nostrils. She fixes me with a narrow-eyed glare. “I’m off to get ready. I’m enjoying myself tonight. You’re on your own with the baby.” She storms out of the room.

“Hear that, Baby McBabeface? I’m a single dad. We’ll be okay though you and me.” I head out of the room to get the things I need to take with me for the baby and to turn off the poll for what to name our real kid. She’s such a spoilsport. Then when Lindsay has come back downstairs I go to get ready for the party.

“Seriously?” Lindsay looks at me. I’m wearing a tight pair of jeans, a nice clean shirt and I have the baby in one arm and a baby changing bag slung over my shoulder.

“Lindsay, I’m doing this properly.” I tell her. “Although obviously we don’t have a car seat yet so the baby will have to travel in the bag if you won’t have it on your knee.

“I’m having nothing to do with it. What if it pisses or throws up on me?”

“It doesn’t do that, Linds. It just cries for its needs to be met. Which they all have been, hence the baby is content and has been all day.”

“Oh, it’s not like that doll I had when I was little then that peed?”

“No, it’s an infant simulator not a doll.”

“Pass it over then. I’ll look after it.” Lindsay says.

“You’d better take good care.” I warn her. “He’s settled.”

Camille

Everything is set. Kid Zone looks amazing. All the tables are dressed with white cloths and the chairs have ribbons on the backs in the same colour as the dress my mum wore for her wedding which she’s wearing again tonight. Staff have been paid overtime to serve a hot buffet later, and we made a space at the far end of the room for a dance floor. Kid Zone already has a music system so I have tunes set that will play out all night.

Dylan grabs hold of my hand.

“Come with me.”

He walks me to the ball pool and I scramble after him as he goes onto his knees and under the slide where there’s a secret hiding place. The secret hiding place where he kissed me all that time ago. Except I thought he was an arsehole I was out on a date with at the time. I’d had no idea it was Dylan, although at the point I’d thought he was an arsehole as well.

He drags me onto his lap and fixes his mouth on mine.

“This is where it all began for us, babe.”

“Yes, if only I’d known it was you back then.”

“Yeah, I’d have been kicked in the balls.”

“True.” I giggled.

I kiss him again. He is the best kisser ever and now I want to go home to bed.

“Dylan, you’re a pussy tease. Now I’m going to be horny all night.”

“Well, I’ll make it worth your while when we get home.”

He tries to slip his hand under my dress. “I don’t think so, mate. Come on, back out we go.”

“Just think, our wedding is next.”

“I know.” I kiss him again. “Fiancé, I can’t wait.”

We head back out of the ball pit to a round of applause and whooping from Beth, Leo and Gemma.

We take a bow and get back to our friends and await my parents.

Next to turn up is my gran, along with my auntie and her new fiance, Vic.

“Well, Cam, love. You’ve made this look amazing. I had my doubts when your mum said her reception was in a play centre. I totally expected us having to dress like toddlers and join in.”

“She’s not had a drink yet, give her time.” I joke.

My gran laughs. “True.”

Vic steps forward and introduces himself. He seems nice. “So you’re getting married too?” I say to him and Auntie Miranda. “Have you set a date yet?”

“No, we’re still looking at venues at the moment.” Miranda says. “There’s no big rush. We’ve not been together long.”

“Well, I’m in a rush. I can’t wait to make you mine,” says Vic. It should sound romantic, but instead I feel like I want to throw up. It’s weird when relations are in love. Watching my parents lately makes me feel nauseous.

The door opens and all I hear is the sound of a baby crying loudly followed by bickering voices.

Tyler, Lindsay and a fake baby come around the corner.

Oh dear God, what is my brother doing now?

“Can’t you turn it off?” Lindsay screeches.

“No.” Tyler holds the fake baby protectively towards him. “What do you think will happen when we have a real one? There isn’t an off switch.”

“But it isn’t a real one.” She screeches again.

Lindsay stomps towards me. “Camille, the place looks beautiful. Why can’t I drink? I need a drink right now.”

“Yep, well that’s life with our Ty. Come sit over here and I’ll get you a lemonade. You can pretend it’s got vodka in it.”

Once I’ve got Linds settled, I walk back over to my brother who is chatting with Beth and Leo. Beth is cuddling the now quiet fake baby.

“It’s very lifelike.” I hear her saying. “And it sounded real enough when you came in.”

“What the hell are you up to now, Tyler?” I ask him.

“Meet Baby McBabeface.” He announces followed by a big grin like he’s really a proud parent. How I didn’t end up needing psychiatric care living with my mum and Tyler I do not know.

“Mum will kill you for bringing that to her party. If it takes the attention away from her, you’ll be dead meat.”

“Mum arranged it for me. So I shouldn’t expect she’ll be all that bothered. If it kicks off again, I’ll take it into the loo or something.”

I shake my head. I shouldn’t be surprised, really.

The other guests arrive and everyone sits at their tables. Dad had a taxi ordered to bring them to the venue for 9pm and at just a few minutes past they come into the venue. As I told them to, they wait in the doorway as I go over to the Tannoy system. “Please be upstanding for the bride and groom, Mr & Mrs Turner.”

Everyone applauds as my parents come into the room.

The party goes well. Everyone enjoys the buffet and then it’s cleared away. The music is lowered ready for the speeches. Just Tyler and my dad are doing quick speeches and then it’s onto more dancing until the end of the evening.

Tyler stands up, Baby McBabeface in his arms.

“Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, and anyone here who might not have decided on a gender because we live in diverse times. Well I really didn’t expect to be saying a speech about my parents having got married, what with me being in my twenties, but again diverse times and I could just as easily have been here giving a speech about my dad marrying another man, like Derek for instance.” He nods towards our dad’s friend who looks like he’s about to get up and punch Ty for the very suggestion. “But we aren’t, we’re here because my mum panicked my dad would die and decided to marry him. She says it was that she realised she wanted to have his surname but I reckon she gets more from his life insurance now it’s official.” He guffaws.

Now my mother is giving him her ‘look’.

“Anyway, basically, I know that not too long ago I had no clue about love, and I still mess up on a daily basis, but I found my one. She’s scary at times and sometimes I feel I could do with a baseball bat under the bed in case I need to protect myself, but I love my Lindsay and I know that what my mum and dad have is even greater than that. It’s lasted all of these years and I can only hope to manage to have that myself with Linds.”

My God the boy has rescued himself.

“So, anyway, raise your glasses and here’s a toast to-”

The words are drowned out by Baby McBabeface crying. Tyler rocks the baby to stop it from crying and tips his glass of champagne over its face. The crying escalates to mammoth proportions and I wonder if he’s shagged up the electronics with the water.

No one toasts back. Everyone just watches in horror as Ty takes a napkin off the table to dry the baby with, not realising it was wrapped around leftover bones from chicken wings which fall on the baby’s face. This makes Ty jump, and he drops the baby on the floor. The wail gets louder.

I quickly scramble to the speaker system. “Let’s raise our glasses to the bride and groom.”

People cheer and I glare at Tyler. The message on my face clear. Take the fake baby outside.

My Dad’s speech passes in peace. He thanks everyone for coming and tells my mum how much he loves her. It’s adorable.

Finally, speeches over, the music thankfully starts again and everyone gets up to join in.

No one is prepared for when two police officers come in, one male, one female. I go to ask them if there’s a problem.

“Yes, there’s a problem.” Says the policewoman. “We need to speak to a Mr Tyler Turner.”

I beckon him over.

“Ty, the police want to speak with you.” I say when he gets to us.

“Yes?” He asks.

“We had reports of a baby being thrown up and down in the back of a car and now we can clearly hear a distressed infant in that same car. We will have no choice but to break into the vehicle unless you can give us the keys right now.”

“It’s not what you think, Officer.” Tyler tells them.

“Yeah, never is son. Thought you’d lock the baby in the car while you drank and partied the night away, huh? Come with me.” The female police officer strong arms Tyler towards the entrance.

“Be right back, sis.” He tells me.

Right then I’m distracted by a screech of whooooooooo hoooooooo and look in horror as my mother comes bounding over.

“You got me a stripper? Oh my God, Cam. How fun.”

“Mum. No.” I protest, but it’s too late. Mr Police Officer is dragged out towards the dance floor. My mum’s crazily strong when she wants to be. Those gym sessions built those biceps.

Out on the dance floor she stands and waits for him to dance with her. When he tries to talk, she shakes her head at him and starts sexy dancing near him, turning her back and gyrating her ass near his crotch. I note my dad watching her. He shakes his head, and laughing he comes walking over to me. “You’ve made your mum’s day there, love. I’d have been jealous back in the day. In fact to be honest, I am now, but I know it’s all good fun, and it’s me she loves.”

“Dad. He’s a real police officer. I’ve tried to tell her.”

My dad’s face pales, and he goes bounding over to my mother. To everyone else it looks like he’s having a jealous fit in the middle of the dance floor but eventually a harrassed police officer comes back over to me.

“Sorry about my mum.” I tell him. “She’s a bit crazy.”

The woman police officer walks in holding Baby McBabeface. “It’s all sorted.” She tells her colleague. “Fake baby. Look it’s really cute.”

“Yeah it is now it’s stopped crying,” Tyler tells her. “But it was ruining the reception.”

“Well, just make sure you don’t put your newborn in the car when he or she arrives and you’ll be okay.” She says and stands rocking the fake baby.

I think I’m about ready for my bed and my fiance. I’ve had enough crazy for one night.

Then Beyoncé’s Single Ladies comes on and my gran, mum and auntie Miranda all do the dance. There’s no hope for me and my future offspring. I might as well book a bed ready in an asylum. But for now I head to the dance floor and join in.

Dora

It’s been one of the best nights of my life. Beth had made us a huge wedding cake made of chocolate and as long as I have my gaviscon when I get home I figure it’ll be okay. How cool is it that I’ve had a dance with a sexy policeman? Even if he didn’t turn out to be a real stripper he was still lush. I’ve managed a night with my mum and sister where we’ve not squabbled and my husband is the best man in the whole wide world and I want to go home now and take him to bed. I’m on my way out of the toilets when I’m accosted by Derk the Jerk.

“Doll. That policeman was a lucky guy tonight. Can anyone have one of your special dances?” He winks at me.

I look at him and smile sweetly. Time to take this wanker down. “Why, Derek, you can have more than a dance, you can have a kiss.”

His eyes light up. “Yeah? With tongues?”

“Is there any other kind of kiss? Just let me freshen up a little. I’ll be back in a mo.”

I head back into the toilets where I put a rubber glove on one hand and pick up that day’s cleaning cloth from the cupboard at the back of the room. The one I know is used to wipe over the toilet seats where kids are always leaving skid marks and trickles of piss.

I come back out and look around making sure the coast is clear. “We must be quick, Derek. Close your eyes.”

He closes his eyes and opens his mouth and I stuff the cleaning cloth as far down his gob as I can get it. He quickly opens his eyes, pulls out the cloth and looks at me in horror as he sees a telltale brown mark. As he sniffs it, his face shows me that he quickly realises it ain’t chocolate. He heaves.

“Hope you don’t catch anything nasty. Actually that’s a lie. I really hope you do.” I grab him by the bollocks and pinch sharply. “Did you want me to feel your package too, hun? You back the fuck off away from me or these won’t be usable.”

“I love a woman who plays hard to get, darling.” He yells after me, managing to find his voice. Fucking arsehole.

He’s picked the wrong person to fuck with, but tonights not the night to finally get rid of Derk the Jerk. I’ll never forgive him for putting a blight on my wedding reception, the sleazebag.

I walk out and up to Tim and it’s no good. The guy has really got to me and I begin to cry.

“Dora. Dora, sweetie. What’s the matter?”

I tell him about Derek. We’d agreed no more secrets between us a while ago and he needed to know.

Tim’s face turns puce. As Derek strolls past us he turns to Tim. “Night, mate. It’s been a blast.”

Tim lunges for him and throws a punch that makes Derek’s nose explode in a sea of red.

“Fuck,” Tim clutches his fist.

“My hero,” I yell.

Tyler and Dylan come rushing over to help us.

“Now it’s been a proper wedding reception,” my son laughs. Then when he finds out what Derek did, he kicks him in the balls for good measure while he’s down on the floor.

I love my family.

They’re the fucking best.

Chapter Three

April 2017

Lindsay (5 months pregnant)

No one can prepare you for being pregnant because everyone is different. Here I am feeling like death warmed up still at five months. In contrast, Beth, is having an easy pregnancy. I don’t wish a difficult one on her, I just wish mine would go a bit easier.

No one prepares you for all the shit you have to hear or endure either.

Oh bad heartburn, the baby will have long hair.

Oh, you seem to be carrying at the front, the baby will be a boy/girl.

Oh, it’s going to be a girl. I know cos Brenda told me before she ran off with the church funds. That one courtesy of Ty’s Aunt Miranda. I was hoping her being loved up would calm down the mystic shit but now she’s into a magazine’s daily horoscopes according to Dora.

Anyway, today I’ve started with a pain across my stomach and I’m totally shitting myself. It really hurts. I’ve phoned the G.P.’s and they’ve got me an appointment to see the midwives in an hour. Since I told Tyler he’s been pacing around like a caged animal. He’s not even put his computer on so it must be bad.

What if I’m losing the baby?

I’ve moaned all the way through so far because it’s made me feel so ill and yet I’ve become attached to my tiny bump. I’ve just begun to show so you might think I was actually pregnant now. Plus the baby wriggles to show me it’s okay. They’ve still been wriggling so I have to hope this pain is something easily explained.

When we get to the hospital I’m placed on a fetal heart monitor. My baby’s heartbeat tracing on a piece of graph paper. I bite my lip. Tyler holds my hand the whole time.

“Tell me it’s going to be okay.” I tell him.

“We’ve just got to hope for the best.” He replies.

I like that he doesn’t placate me with lies. For all he can be stupid, my man is my rock.

The midwives come in and we squeeze each other’s hands tighter.

“Everything is absolutely fine,” she says, and the relief is overwhelming. “What you have are growing pains, basically. The skin across your stomach is stretching. It’s painful but there isn’t a lot we can do about it. Maybe massage some oil in your skin to keep things supple, but it’s just one of the things women have to endure.”

“Oh thank you. I don’t care about being in pain if my baby is alright.” I tell her. Then I look at Tyler and he has tears in his eyes. Fuck. What is it going to be like after we have the baby? It comes to me all at once that we really do have this little baby coming to look after for life.

And as barmy as he was borrowing Baby McBabeface, it shows me how committed Ty is to doing the best he possibly can.

We go home and Tyler carries me upstairs. “Don’t you have to catch up on some work?” I ask him.

“Nope. I’m taking the day off.” He declares, stripping off down to his boxers. “Come on, we’re having an afternoon nap. This morning has been exhausting. Come and rest Baby Mama.”

I strip off to my undies and scoot into Tyler’s arms. He rests a hand on my bump and the baby wiggles against it. Then we fall asleep, the relief of everything being okay taking over.

As my morning sickness now does just take place in a morning, Ty takes me out for dinner. We can afford stuff more now thanks to his book deals and channel but because it’s such an unreliable wage, I encourage Ty to bank a lot of the money. While we are out I take the opportunity to confess about how I’ve been feeling.

“I know you’ve been miserable, Linds. It’s not surprising is it? I get mardy if I have a cold for a few days. You’ve been sick for weeks.”

“I know, but now I don’t work (Tyler insisted I left despite my wanting my maternity leave). Well, I’m quite bored to be truthful.”

“So what would your dream job or pastime be? If you could do anything you wanted?” He asked me.

I think for a moment. “Well, I used to be great at sewing at school. Maybe I could try to make some baby clothes? Obviously I’ll use cream or yellow with us not finding out the sex of the baby. In fact, maybe I could make some curtains for the nursery and bits like that?” I start to feel something I haven’t felt in a long time - excitement.

“Go for it. Start with making things for the baby and if you enjoy it, you could always open an Etsy store or something like that. I can shout you out on my channel, you’d be inundated with orders, I’d bet.”

“Thank you.” I place my hand on his. “But I want to do this for myself. I don’t feel like I’ve ever really achieved anything, you know? This gives me a chance to prove something to myself.”

“Well, I get that. I’m Tyler, the guy everyone thinks is an idiot. I’m even famous for being the nerd who got a girl and now for being a bewildered baby daddy.”

“You’re not an idiot all of the time.” I tell him and he laughs.

After that, though pregnancy doesn’t seem to want to become much easier for me in terms of I still feel exhausted and I’m sick every morning, I find a focus to my day. I get myself out of the house to buy materials and other supplies and I sew a lot. Dora collects me twice a week to go and have a drink at Kid Zone with Cam and Beth, which means I get some girl talk and I also find a baby forum online where I chat with other expectant mums. I start to settle into my new life and Tyler takes time out to paint the bedroom that will be our baby’s nursery. My mum is excited at the thought of being a grandma and her and my dad buy us a cot and a changing table. Everything is starting to come together.

A beep from outside alerts me to the fact that Dora is here. Today we’re going shopping for some other things I need. I’ve made a list and Dora said she’d love to come with me because baby stuff is cute and she wants to spoil me.

I’m a little shocked when I go outside and find that instead of her Ford Fiesta, Dora is driving a white van.

“Dora. What’s happened to your car?”

“We’re going proper shopping, Linds. It’s not going to fit into a Fiesta.”

I raise an eyebrow. “Does Tim know you hired a van?”

“Course not, silly. You still have a lot to learn about what you let men know. But don’t worry I’m here to teach you.” She says. And off we go.

Firstly, she pulls up at a designer baby store and we look at prams. An assistant, a young guy who looks in his late teens comes over to us and asks if he can help.

“Yes, she’s in labour. Do you have towels and hot water?” Dora announces.

The guy looks petrified and his eyes dart around the store.

“She’s just joking. I’m almost six months. No baby coming yet.” I smile at him.

He smiles in relief. “Well in terms of infant vehicles, this is our top seller.” He states pointing to a huge monstrosity of a pram, come car seat, come well, god knows. It’s just far too complicated looking.

“No.” Says Dora simply. “We need to look at your lightest infant vehicles.” She rolls her eyes at his terminology “and one’s with lots of storage in the bottom.”

The salesman pulls a bit of a face at not getting his huge commission and as he walks across the shop floor, we see him give an eye roll to another staff member.

“Hey,” Dora calls him back over, shouting so loud that several other customers turn around.

“Yes?”

“Forget it.”

“Pardon?”

“We don’t want any of your vehicles, there are plenty of other stores where they don’t pull faces because we’re not buying the vehicle of the year. We’re leaders, not followers. By the way, it’s called a pram, you snivelling little shit, and that face you were pulling? Do it again and I’ll shove your head up your arse.”

She walks us out of the store.

“Oh my God, Dora. Was that store for real?” I’m gobsmacked.

“Full of deluded tosspots. I just wanted to treat you to something extra nice, but fear not, there are plenty of other shops.”

We travel on to a chain and there we buy an ideal pram, and tons of bibs, clothes, hair brushes, bottle warmers, etc. Basically, you name it, we have it. Dora made a huge list, and we compared mine and hers and well, we leave with bags upon bags. So many that we have to push two shopping carts to the van.

“Time for refreshments,” Dora says and drives us to a restaurant that has a vast vegetarian menu. I’m having a great time and I tell Dora all about the things I’m making. “You look different again, Lindsay. I have to say. You seem a lot mellower, happier.”

“I really am.” I reply. “I’m doing something I enjoy. Now I know why Tyler is on his computer half the day. I get it’s his thing.”

I go on to tell her how I worry about the longevity of his career.

“He’ll be okay I should imagine for a few years, but yes it’s not a long term job, so I agree with putting money away in the bank. But, Tyler will adapt. He can go back to getting a job in a store or maybe he’ll pull some other entrepreneur shit out of the bag. He has two books coming out. Maybe he could try to get further book deals, or he could move into working with computers. Who knows? Life’s for living now though, Lindsay, so if you have a chance to do what you love you need to grab it with both hands.”

“Are you still enjoying the baking?” I ask her since Dora is prone to periods of obsession with things and so far this has been the longest running thing she’s stuck with.

“Yes, it’s perfect. It earns me enough to go alongside Tim’s wage. But Tim’s a little old-fashioned. He was brought up to believe that men are the breadwinners, and that’s the role’s we settled into when the kids were little. I was home with them and Tim worked. When they were a little older, I started cleaning for some extra money. You and Tyler are bringing a child up in an entirely different way right now, with you both working from home. It’ll be tricky though, trying to work around a baby.”

“Yes, we got a glimpse of that from Baby McBabeface.” I told her.

“Sorry about that. I thought it was a good idea until it bawled it’s way through the wedding reception. Karma got me.” She laughs.

“Well, it got Tyler plenty of publicity and content for his Bewildered Baby Daddy book.”

“And it got me a sexy dance with a policeman.” She laughs.

After a leisurely lunch, she takes me around several more shops. I don’t think the baby will need anything else. She finishes off buying me the ugliest pair of nightdresses you’ve ever seen and one really sexy one.

“Okay, I’m confused.” I tell her.

“These two,” she pulls a face. “Are for wearing to the hospital. You will sweat, bleed and maybe even shit yourself while wearing one of them and then you’ll get washed and can change into the other. Ugly but practical. Lots of room for if your stomach remains swollen. Mine went straight down with both of mine and then I lost weight but my friend still looked eight months pregnant for a fortnight.”

“Okay. Makes sense.”

“Then this one.” She shakes out the sexy black chemise. “Is for when you want to feel sexy again. Not,” She emphasises the word not, “after the six week check when they give you the go ahead and you’d rather bite the head off a live chicken than have sex. No, it’s for when you are ready. Then put this on and sexy yourself up.”

I throw my arms around Dora and hug her. “Thank you. You think of everything. I really appreciate it.”

“Yes, well one last stop and then we’re done.” She tells me. “Have your heard of a film called Pretty Woman, Lindsay?”

I nod. “It’s iconic. I love it.”

“Good,” she says. “We’re about to do some acting. You ready?”

Outside the designer children’s shop once again, we walk in with our arms full of baby shopping.

Dora walks straight over to the surly faced teen and talks in an extremely loud voice. “Hello again, we’re the customers you pulled faces at earlier, or was that your usual expression? Hard to tell really. Anyway just to say that you made a big mistake, huge.” We shake our bags in front of his face, the rest of the staff and customers staring wide-eyed, then we walk, heads held high out of the store.

After we place the packages in the back of the van, we stand laughing. “Oh my God, Dora, that was epic.”

“His face.” She guffaws. “Did you see his face? Serves the little bastard right.”

She drives me home and Tyler comes out to help us take the purchases into the house.

“Take it easy tonight, Lindsay. You’ve had a busy day.” Dora says.

“I have, but it’s been amazing, Dora. It’s been exactly what I needed.”

She strokes my cheek. “I know it’s all overwhelming but once the baby is here and you go to playgroups and things, it just falls into place. You realise we’re all just guessing our way through parenting.” She looks at Tyler. “You’d think second time around I’d have done better.”

We caterwaul with laughter again.

“Yeah, you’re so funny, mum.” Tyler pouts. “You’re bloody lucky to have me mother. You’ll not be complaining when I pay off your mortgage.”

Dora pulls Ty towards her, her head fits just under his chin. “Sweetie, you are one of the best things I ever did with my life and we don’t need your money. Spend it on your own family, me and your dad are fine. Love ya, kiddo.” She says to him as if he’s about three years old.

Then she bids us goodnight and sets off to take the hire car back and pick her own car up.

“So has she driven you completely around the twist?” He asks me. “Has she bought you a book on how to be a parent, or how to stay zen during childbirth?”

“No, she was just amazing.” I told him. “But I’m beat now, so I’m going to go up to bed if that’s okay with you?”

“How beat are you?” He asks. “Too beat to maybe widen those thighs a little?”

“I think I could possibly manage that.” I tell him. “If you can make me a cuppa first.”

Chapter Four

June 2017

Tyler

I’m at my desk writing the next chapter of my book Bewildered Baby Daddy. I’m writing about the last month, May, Lindsay’s sixth month of pregnancy. My vitamin fruit smoothie is by my side. Yes, she’s pregnant but I’m the one in need of vitamins, and a new set of genitals.

***

Help me.

My girl’s gone horny! She will kill me for saying this in my book, but hey, I said I’d give it to you warts and all, (actually that doesn’t sound quite right when talking about sex does it? No warts or any other sexually transmitted diseases were involved in the making of this book, or the making of the baby). Right, let’s continue, and mother, if you are reading this, ew. Go straight onto the next chapter, please.

So, Lindsay was feeling really shattered towards the end of last month and a visit to the doctors and blood tests showed that she had anaemia. She was put on iron tablets and well, by the third week of May she was like a new woman. A new woman with lots of energy. The other difference was that her boobs, which had filled out splendidly during pregnancy, stopped being tender. And here lays my downfall because to get me in the sack all she had to do was offer me a squeeze of those lovely breasts. Goddamn women.

So prepare yourselves men. Some investigation on the net also reveals that when the baby is overdue, hot curries, cranberry tea and sex are recommended as ways in which to get the baby to come. So if you’ve been getting nothing in the bedroom for months and at the end of her third trimester your missus suddenly becomes horny, it’s a lie. She’s using your dick to get the baby out because she’s sick of it making her waddle like a duck, give her piles or any other of the million and one ailments that seems to accompany pregnancy. Now, don’t be rash and pass up the opportunity for this shag. Let’s not be foolish guys. Just know that she has a hidden agenda and if you feel a gush and she shouts ‘hallelujah’, you’ve not found the sexual holy grail - the squirt - it’s that her waters have broken.

Anyway on the whole, this last month my missus has been a lot happier. She’s been getting out more and seems to have got used to her early morning puke that is STILL happening. I’d go as far as to say that she now has that ‘glow’ that is supposed to come with pregnancy. Up until this sixth month it has been a cross between a ghoulish appearance or one of a fire breathing dragon (but the dragon one is just normal Lindsay - oops that’s me not getting another shag ever again!).

Now by this stage guys, if you’re like me, you need to get yourself down the gym. So far I’ve been matching Lindsay pound for pound as I kept eating the foods she went off, plus I’ve been a bit of a couch potato with all the book writing and YouTube stuff. I let myself go and developed my own little baby bump. Except I have no baby. So at the beginning of this month I’ve started back down at the gym. I figure I need to be super fit for when that little baby joins our world. It has nothing to do with wanting to look ripped as I push the pram in the park, how dare you even suggest it, (okay, that IS one reason. Women love a fit baby daddy, I’ve heard Lindsay go on and on about them in the past, or about ripped guys walking tiny dogs. What the **** is that all about? Hardly fits the beefy image does it when they shout ‘come on Tallulah’ after a Chihuahua.)

So the upside of being a gym bunny is that I should also be able to keep up with the missus’ constant demands for more nookie. But if you know of a spares shop that stocks replacement genitals please let me know.

***

“Ty?”

Oh God. She’s here again.

“Yes, love?”

“You busy?”

“I’m just finishing up writing a chapter of the book.”

She moves over to me. “Can I look?”

“No.” I quickly flick off the screen. She’ll kill me if she sees I’m writing about how she’s wearing me out. I’m going to make sure the book is released when she’s completely exhausted from sleepless nights and couldn’t care less if my book was a unicorn. As I close the laptop, I realise that she wasn’t the slightest bit interested in looking at my laptop screen, she just wanted to bend over near me. Bend over so that her boobs spill out a little over her tight burgundy tee. Hmm, I’m sure when I left her she was wearing a smock style dress.

She wiggles her way between the desk and my chair and sits herself down on my lap. Fucking hell, my legs scream out in pain with the extra weight on them. She’s got quite a bump now at six and a half months pregnant. I’ve got to get her off me before she gives me a dead leg.

“Erm, just stand up a minute, Linds.” I say to her through gritted teeth.

She does, standing up leaning her bum against the desk and looks at me, waiting for my next instruction. That was it. Just get off my fucking dead legs. She thrusts her boobs out a little more. Dear God.

“The weather’s really nice today. In fact, I’m too hot in this tight long sleeved top.” She lifts it up from the bottom and pull it up over her head. She throws it down on the floor and sits back on my desk, her ass across all my important paperwork, messing it up.

And there they are although mostly encased in a shiny pink bra. Those boobs. Those creamy orbs I love to have squashed against my face. I pull my chair in closer and do just that. She unhooks her bra so I can feast on her nipples, my hands groping her creamy skin. She pulls up her skirt, revealing she has no panties on. Taking hold of one of my hands she steers it from her boob to her bush (something else about a six months pregnant bird, it’s a jungle down there, cos she can’t see it any more). My fingers tease her slick slit as she moans with desire. “Fuck me, Tyler.”

I stand up and shrug off my jeans and boxer shorts and then clearing the papers that are in the way, I fix my hands under her ass and lift her up from the desk and slide her straight onto my cock.

She bobs up and down on my dick and I make the mistake of opening my eyes to watch her. She’s so desperate to get off she looks like a Jack-in-the-box on amphetamines.

“Oh God, Oh God. Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me.”

My knees are about to give out. My thighs are burning far greater than any gym workout has ever made them and I’m trying to concentrate on getting off, but I’m in pain.

So I do something I have never done before. As she comes on my cock, clenching away, I fake an orgasm. She’s so wet she’ll never notice that I’ve not spurted my man milk inside her. She collapses against me, back on my freaking legs with all her extra weight.

“Oh that was amazing.” She says.

“It was, Linds. Amazing.” I lie. “You’ve worn me out. Let’s go and lie down for an hour.” She nods enthusiastically and grabs my hand to lead me to the bedroom with her.

I hold my other hand up. “Just give me a minute to get my breath back. Why don’t you go and clean up?”

“Okay, darling.” She says, beaming, her post-orgasmic glow lighting up her face.

She leaves the room and I look at my work desk. It’s going to take me an hour to sort out these mixed up piles of paperwork and I hope that’s not a contract that’s been creased by her ass cheek.

I rub my legs frantically, trying to get the feeling back in them so I can walk to the bedroom. And I have a horrible feeling she’s not done with me yet. There are some things that will never make their way into my bewildered baby daddy book and having to fake orgasms is one of them.

Lindsay

I am feeling so much better! I’m still sick first thing in a morning, but then I clean my teeth and I’m ready to face the day. The nursery is looking amazing with the things we’ve bought and the curtains and other bits and pieces I’ve been making. The main thing—what I’m sure is making Tyler’s day right now—is that my libido is back! I can’t get enough of Ty’s dick. No more telling him I feel tired or sick and I’d rather not, seeing his sad little rejected face. I’m insatiable right now. I’m like his own live-in porn star. What a lucky guy! I just seduced him in his office. It was like the scene from a movie. I went in, wearing a clingy sexy top, showed him the puppies, and then I stripped off in front of him. He couldn’t resist and we ended up having a quickie across his desk and chair. I’ve just freshened up and now I’m waiting for him in our bed. He said we should have an afternoon sleep, yeah right. Codeword for let’s move it to the bedroom. I can read him like a book!

He walks into the bedroom and slips under the sheets. I grab hold of his cock and stroke his girth up and down.

“Hey, love. Don’t you think you should rest up? Make sure you’re taking care of our baby. I can just cuddle.”

He is so considerate. I am so lucky to have this man in my life.

“No, I’ll rest after. I really want you inside me again.”

He groans. For a minute I think it sounds like he doesn’t want it and my face falls but then he repeats the groan and it’s a proper one, a sexy one.

“Can I ride you?” I ask him.

“Oh yes, please.” He says and I clamber aboard.

God, I love that he’s letting me have my own way choosing positions and not being an alpha male because I feel sexy riding him with my fabulous rack and baby bump. I’m feeling so womanly right now.

I circle up and down on his shaft, taking him deeper inside me. Right now I just can’t get enough, it’s ridiculous. I could go all day and all night. In fact, we just might!

Tyler

After tidying up my desk later the next day, I open up my document and delete the section about hitting the gym. Without speaking about my occasional fake orgasms, I write an addendum to the paragraph.

It may be that you only get to the gym a couple of times depending on how randy your expectant lady gets. Today my legs simply don’t work. I’ve told Lindsay that I think I’m coming down with a virus and with that she is avoiding me like the plague as she doesn’t want to catch anything that could harm the baby. So today I am free to lie down and rest my legs, or do as I just did, struggle to my desk using the walls as support. So a tip for you guys. If you need a rest from the baby stuff, either being bored by them going on and on about babies, or if you’re worn down to the point of exhaustion by their libido. Get man flu. I repeat say you have man flu. This can be our little secret. You’ll not see the little lady for dust. Mine’s probably going to last about a week, maybe I’ll even stretch it to ten days. Depends on how long it takes for my genitals and thighs to recover. And on that note somehow I need to get down to the kitchen for another vitamin drink to build up my strength.

Chapter Five

20 June 2017

Beth

“Don’t forget I’m going out for Cam’s birthday tonight.” I shout to my husband, Leo.

“Yes, you go out on the town and I’ll stay here with Trey the terror.” He smiles at our son.

“I’m not terror,” our four-year-old protests. “Me good boy.”

“Yes, you are a good boy, darling. Daddy is being silly.” I bend down and kiss the top of his head. “Anyway, I’m looking after one child.” I pat my almost seven months pregnant belly.

“So what’s the plan for her birthday seeing as two of the party are heavily pregnant?”

“Just a meal in town. A nice quiet meal.”

“Dora not coming then?” Leo quips. “Right, I’ll see you later. Would be golfers await and sons need taking to nursery.” He kisses my cheek and he and Trey leave the house together.

Making myself a cup of tea I sit down as I don’t need to leave for another thirty minutes. I take time to look around my amazing home and think how different my life has become in the last couple of years. From being a skint, single mum to the wife of an ex-professional golfer, with another baby on the way. My pregnancy thankfully was progressing smoothly and other than an increased need to wee, I’d felt amazing for most of it, unlike poor Lindsay. I really felt for her, but as long as we ended up with two healthy babies, that’s what counted.

It got me thinking about how not everyone was as fortunate as we were. Some people’s pregnancies didn’t go smoothly at all and their children were born with difficulties, especially premature babies.

“You stay in there until you’re fully cooked, you hear me?” I place a hand on my stomach and receive a kick in return.

Cam picks an Italian restaurant, La Scala, for her birthday celebration and after a steady day at work, we go home, get changed, and meet at the restaurant at eight.

“Happy birthday, babe.” I tell her and hand her a card and gift.

She sits and opens her Thomas Sabo charm bracelet and a charm that says ‘best friend’. “Oh, I love it, Beth. Thank you so much.”

“What did you get from your mum this year?” I ask, as some years Dora’s presents could only be classed as strange.

“A copy of Bride Wars, a gym membership, and a subscription to Bride magazine. I have a feeling my mum wants to make sure my wedding outshines my aunties.”

“Like you have time to go to a gym.” I laugh.

“Yeah. I’m going to make time though. It’s the same gym mum goes to so I’ll be able to meet her and talk weddings and stuff as it gets nearer. I want to look good for my big day.”

“Don’t become a lollipop head, promise me. You have a great figure.”

“I just want to look the best I can. Those photos will be around a loooong time.”

“Oh, we can have those photoshopped, hun, I want my wrinkles and double chin taking out,” adds Dora.

“We will not be photoshopping the wedding pictures.” Cam glares at her mum.

“Spoilsport. Well we’ll see if you feel the same way if you wake up with a huge zit on the end of your nose on the big day.” Dora sits down and pours herself a glass of wine.

“How are you, Dora?” I ask, trying to change the subject.

“Yeah, alright Beth, thanks. Not much happened since I saw you at work about two hours ago. Managed a quick shag before I left the house, but nothing else to report.”

“Mother!” Cam places her hands across her ears. “Please stop.”

“Like you don’t do anything. I saw you at Christmas.” Dora winks at her daughter.

“Pardon?”

“When I was doing the trimming up for the Christmas display. I had to avert my gaze from the window.”

“Oh my God.” Cam’s face flashes puce. “This is not happening. I’m going to wake up in a minute. It’s a bad dream.”

“Not surprised she’s marrying him,” Dora adds and holds her hands wide apart.

Cam grabs the wine bottle and drinks straight from it.

“Lindsay,” I shout, thankful that someone normal might join us.

Lindsay wanders slowly over to the table rubbing her belly. At almost eight months pregnant now, her bump has gone huge. In fact tiny Lindsay is almost as wide as she is tall now. She sinks into her seat and yawns. “Hey all. Happy birthday, Cam.” She hands over an envelope which has cash stuffed in it.

“I left Ty to sort your gift so he basically just went around the house, picked up any stray money he could find and he put it in a card he found in my kitchen drawer which you’ll find is a Christmas card. You could have £500 or loose change amounting to 67p, I have no idea, and I’m sorry, Cam, but I’m too tired to care. When I’ve had the baby, I’ll treat you to something nice.”

“Lindsay, you’re going to be even more tired then, believe me.” I told her.

Her face falls. “Please don’t tell me that, Beth. I can give the baby to Ty can’t I and go to sleep for like 24 hours solid?”

“You could,” I nod and agree.

“Yeah, and hell could freeze over. I’d not sleep for worrying if the baby was being dressed in different smurf outfits or performing stunts on YouTube.” She sighs.

“Anyway, I’m out tonight and Dora.” She leans over the table. “Can I just have a teeny tiny sip of wine? I miss it.”

“Sure sweetpea, here.” Dora passes over the wine.

“Oh bleurgh.” Lindsay pulls a face. “Damn tastebuds, it tastes like crap.”

A woman leaving the restaurant comes walking over to the table, her narrowed beady eyes fixed on Lindsay. “It’s disgusting that you’re drinking alcohol in your condition. People like you should have their children taken away.”

Dora puts a hand up to quieten down the rest of the table. Lindsay looks like she’s going to cry.

Dora stands up, placing her arms across her chest. “Erm, excuse me, but my daughter-in-law is not pregnant. Are you saying people carrying a little weight can’t drink? Are you a fattist?”

The woman’s face pales. “Oh, I presumed…”

“Yes?” Dora asks, cool as a cucumber.

“Well, her stomach was sticking out, and I presumed she was expecting a baby, and drinking.”

“Well, she’s not and even if she were, a tiny sip of wine will not cause damage to a baby. Whereas looking at your face and your attitude it looks like your own mother drank herself into oblivion after shagging Quasimodo.”

“Well, there’s no need...”

“You can leave now.” Dora makes a shooing motion while her face shows if the woman doesn’t leave soon she will wish she had.

We all sit there stunned as the woman practically runs out of the restaurant. Dora beckons over the waitress. “Tray of celebratory shots for me and Cam, and whatever these two pregnant ladies want to drink.”

The rest of the meal passes unremarkably and after dessert I decide to discuss the plan I’d thought of earlier.

“Cam. I have a proposal for you.” I say.

“Oh yeah?”

It’s Kid Zone’s second birthday next month. I wondered if we could do a fundraiser for BabyLove? It’s a charity that helps those whose pregnancies, for whatever reason, haven’t gone as planned. You know maybe the baby was premature or born with a disability.

“That sounds amazing.” Cam says.

“I’ll sort out all the fundraising side of things, if you just arrange the day.”

“Not a problem. We can have a bake sale for a start. Perhaps get a celebrity to appear?” She looks at me. “Last year’s worked out okay in the end.”

Last year Dora had asked a golfer to appear and Trey’s father, Leo, had walked in the door. Yes it had worked out in the end but goodness there had been a rollercoaster ride of emotions to get there.

“Just promise you won’t let your mum organise it.”

“I heard that.” Said Dora. “If it wasn’t for me you wouldn’t have Leo back or that baby on the way.”

“Yes, Dora. I’m very grateful, really.”

“Oh, god, I’m flipping sick of heartburn.” Lindsay goes in her bag. “Oh crap, I’ve not brought my Gaviscon.”

“Here you go, love. Have some of mine.” Dora goes in her bag and gets a bottle out. “I can’t go anywhere without it now. I’m going back to the doctors, they’re going to put me on some long term medication for mine. At least yours will disappear when the baby comes, and look, look how my stomach has bloated up. It’s hateful. Makes me feel miserable.”

Dora and Lindsay get into a conversation about heartburn and bloated bellies.

“Have you had any heartburn?” Cam asks me.

“Erm, no, nothing.” I say and note the burning gaze from the two Gaviscon addicts at the table.

“You’re so lucky,” says Lindsay. “I bet you have the baby in like half an hour and mine takes four days to come out.”

“Well, they say second children are usually faster, but I was seventeen hours with Trey.”

“Seventeen hours? Of like contractions and pain and shit?” Says Lindsay. “How does anyone ever decide to repeat it?”

“You forget as time passes.” I say at the same time as Dora says. “Can’t resist the penis.”

“Thought you might have asked your gran and auntie if they wanted to come tonight?” I ask Cam.

She fixes me with a wide eyed look and turns to her mother, but Dora is ogling a table of men in their twenties who have just taken their seats.

“Mum is really annoyed because my auntie has fixed her wedding for the week before mine.”

“Seriously?”

“Yes. I couldn’t care less. As long as it's not on the same day, but mum says my auntie has done it on purpose to try to overshadow her celebration.”

“Hers?”

“Yep, it’s my mother’s wedding now you know.”

We roll our eyes.

“Is it going to become a project?”

“Oh no, I’m going to have to keep a tight rein on mummy dearest as I think it’s going to become a competition and we know how she gets with those.”

We mock shiver.

“Oh, Cam. I have your back.”

“It’s not my wedding I’m afraid for,” she says. “It’s what she might do to Miranda’s.”

“Oh well, plenty of time for it all to smooth over yet,” I say and pat my friend’s hand.

“Yes, hopefully her new grandchild will distract her.” Cam says.

Lindsay mimes hanging herself and we fall about laughing.

Dora has no clue, she’s still ogling the other men.

Chapter Six

Sunday 2 July 2017

Dora

I’m feeling a bit down to be honest. There was a time during Cam’s birthday dinner where I saw I was a bit of an embarrassment. I’ve always just been me, but maybe at forty-seven, Cam and Ty need a more sensible mum? To distract myself from my feelings of gloom, I open up Facebook and there he is again messaging me - Derek. I’ve blocked him several times, but he makes another profile and sends me yet another message. It comes up as a message request and I always accept it, read it, take a snapshot and then block him. I will have to report him to the police if he doesn’t stop, but I’m scared he will come after Tim for GBH after Tim punched him.

The messages are leering and obnoxious, just like him. It’s not helping my mood. Facebook is supposed to distract me from life, not to have more problems thrust in my face. Usually, I’d comfort eat with some chocolate or have a nice cuppa or a coffee, but that just sends my heartburn mad. I need to face facts. I’m getting old.

Seeking comfort and reassurance, I strip off my clothes and slide in next to Tim who’s having a lie in. I cuddle up to his naked body (he always sleeps in the nude whereas I like my pyjamas). He makes a grumbling noise that I’ve disturbed him and then just ignores me. A naked, quite fit, warm female body at the side of him and he doesn’t even acknowledge it. I stay there for a few minutes thinking about how I fit like a glove to his body and then I move my leg a little reminding him I’m there. Nothing. I turn over, climb out of bed and get dressed, feeling more dejected than ever.

I’m just a boring middle-aged woman now. Approaching menopause and falling generally to bits. Might as well let my hair grow grey, not bother with the gym, and generally think fuck it. I open my laptop and look through the self-help section seeing if there’s anything there that can motivate me into getting my groove back, but I can’t find anything relevant. Time to put yourself out to pasture Dora and let the young ones have their time on stage.

I go online and cancel both my gym membership and my upcoming hair appointment. Instead I make the appointment I’ve been putting off at the doctors to get my medication for the acid reflux that won’t go away.

Tim doesn’t look in any rush to go out for Sunday lunch today so I decide we’ll forget that and I’ll warm up a couple of pizzas later. I get a glass of milk that I hope will calm my oesophagus a bit and get the photo albums out from when Cam and Ty were babies. I tear up as I look at their cute little faces and I realise how much I’m looking forward to being a granny. Maybe I should do granny things like go to the bingo or start knitting?

For the first time in forever I don’t seem to have a focus. Beth could manage without me at Kid Zone now she has use of the kitchen staff. The kids have their businesses under control and Lindsay has said she’ll keep an eye on Ty’s emails and become his PA as she’s fed up waiting for the baby.

I apply online for the local bingo. There’s an afternoon session. Fuck it, I’m going.

Monday 10 July 2017

Cam

There’s something wrong with my mum. She’s not interested in anything other than she keeps going to the bingo. But it’s not an obsession. There’s no sparkle to her eyes when she talks about it. In fact her eyes are dull. I’ve been talking to her about the party for the second anniversary of Kid Zone and she’s nodding and saying all the right things but she’s not my mum. My usual overenthusiastic, wanting to take over, centre of attention, mother.

“Okay, what’s going on, Mum?” I ask her. She’s come to Kid Zone for her usual cuppa. She’s dressed in baggy jeans and a smock style tunic top, both in grey. Her hair is in a ponytail and doesn’t look like she’s paid too much attention to brushing it. She has no make-up on, her nails aren’t painted and there’s no slight fake tan. In fact she’s washed out and pale, and more than that. There’s no smile on her face.

“There’s nothing going on, darling.” She says to me.

“Bullshit, mother. You aren’t yourself at all.”

She sighs. “I don’t know who myself is, Cam. To be honest, I don’t know what to do with myself right now.”

“What do you mean?” I ask.

“Cam.” She puts a hand across mine. “I know I’m a bit of an embarrassment to you at times, and well, I’m calming it down. You’re settling down yourself, getting married and it’s your time in the spotlight, babes. I’m going to just take my place now, as grandma and mother of the bride. Don’t worry, I’ll make sure I spruce myself up for the wedding, but I’m just easing off a little. Accepting middle-age and my twilight years.”

“Mother, you’re only forty-seven, not seventy-four.”

She shakes her hand at me. “You try to look younger and all that happens is you attract middle-aged perverts. What’s the fucking point?”

“I don’t understand.”

And my mum breaks down in tears, something I haven’t seen for years, as she tells me about how Derek has been harassing her and how she has just simply had enough.

I’m heartbroken. I’ve never seen my mum like this. She’s always strong, completely insane and well, my mum. To see her being vulnerable like this is a shock to the system, and it makes me face up to my own behaviour. Sometimes I have rolled my eyes and despaired at my mum. I never realised that it knocked her confidence and that half of what she puts on show is no doubt an act. It takes getting older yourself to realise these things. That parents are human and have their own foibles and because of that twat bastard my mum is feeling like she can’t be herself. I vow that I will sort him out. I know what my mum would have done had the boot been on the other foot, and its time for a little revenge. Later I’ll ring Beth. We’re a dream team at putting guys in their place and it’s time for action.

“Mum. You need to be yourself and if that’s a blue fringed, Barbie tee-shirt wearing, forty-seven-year old, well you need to own it.” I tell her.

She smiles at me, again it doesn’t reach her eyes. “I’m okay, love, honestly.” She lies.

Saturday 15 July.

Cam

The bunting is up and Kid Zone’s second anniversary party is under way. We have the bake sale and some sponsored activities. I spoke to Beth this last week and also decided that we would do some renovations and make a sensory room for children where the party corner is. The parties can be held at the rear side of the building instead and we can block the back of the building off for the sensory room. We did a questionnaire amongst parents and the idea was a resounding success with parents saying there wasn’t anything like that in the area. It feels good to be giving back to the community. Both Beth and myself are successful businesswomen and we owe it to the community to put a little back. Once Beth is settled with baby number two we’re considering holding a monthly meeting to encourage any other women thinking of setting up their own businesses and offering advice too.

My mum has turned up today in a V-necked cotton tee shirt and a pair of jogging bottoms. My dad pulled me to one side earlier and asked me what the hell he could do as she spent every night either going to bingo or watching the soaps on the television, something my mum has never done.

“I think she’s depressed.” He told me.

“No, Dad.” I reassure him. “I just think she’s a little lost and hopefully today will sort some of those issues out for her.”

“Oh yes?” My dad asks.

“Wait and see.” I wink. “Now I must see to the party, just bear in mind later, that all of this was for the greater good.”

“You’re making me nervous, Cam, but seeing as you’re the most sensible of my offspring I shall keep calm and carry on.” I kiss his cheek. “Go and keep Leo distracted. Beth’s helping me with something.”

I notice my brother is at the back of the room looking glum and I walk over to check in with him. What’s up with my family?

“Ty. You okay?”

“Yeah, glad to be here. No danger of being smacked in the head with a paperback.”

“What?”

“Linds is begging the baby to come early. She’s totally fed up and spending her days on the sofa looking like Buddha. She keeps picking up 600-800 page paperbacks saying that she bets she can’t get to the end of them before the baby will come. Of course she’s reading them at a rate of knots with her doing bugger all else and as she gets to the last page, she launches the book like a missile. I don’t think she’s trying to get me deliberately, but it’s Lindsay so you never know.”

“You ever thought of marrying the girl to change her surname? See if it makes her less angry being a Turner.”

“Think I’ll concentrate on surviving fatherhood first.” He tells me. “Now while I’m here, you need any help with anything, or shall I go sit with Dad?”

“Actually, I could use your camera work,” I tell him and I fill him in on the plan.

So I discovered that Derek was a plumber, and I made an appointment for him to come to Kid Zone at two, making up some crap about there being a leak on the radiator in my office. As soon as Beth spots him pull up in his van, she gives me the nod and I walk into my office and wait for Beth to bring him in.

“Derek’s here, Cam.” She tells me as she shows him through.

“Thanks, Beth.” I tell her.

“Hello, gorgeous.” Derek says to me. “So you’re having a problem with wetness, hey?”

“I am.” I say to him flirtily, while trying not to dry heave. “In fact, there’s no leak on my radiator at all, Derek. The moisture is all between my thighs.”

Derek’s eyes almost pop out of his head. “What?”

I stand and stare at him. “Are you sure it’s my mother you want?” I lift up my tee and flash him my bra. “Wouldn’t you rather have a younger model?”

“Fucking hell, yes.” Derek replies, stroking the front of his trousers.

“I’m going to freshen up in my bathroom. Take your clothes off.” I demand. I escape to the bathroom and text Beth and Ty. We don’t have a vast amount of time for what we’re about to do.

I walk back out of the bathroom and try hard not to laugh at the middle-aged man in front of me who actually believes I could fancy him. He has a slight pot belly, and hairy legs and I don’t want to look at the dick hanging between them. When I do look it’s not a bad size to be fair and I wonder if that’s what gives him his swagger.

Just in time a knock comes on the door.

“Shit.” I put a panic-stricken voice on as Beth says. “Cam, you got a minute?”

I run over to the fire exit. “Just go out there round the corner for a sec while I get rid of her.” I whisper-hiss.

“I’ll go in the bathroom.”

“No! She might go in there. Look, there’s a curtain that will hide you and no one goes around the back. It’s just all abandoned buildings around there.” I look at his cock. “And keep that hard for me, because when I let you back in there’s no time to lose.”

I open the fire door and he slips outside. Quickly I turn the lock being as quiet as possible.

Then I run and open the door to Beth. “Done.” I shout walking out into Kid Zone.

Tyler runs back in holding up his phone. “Got it,” he says. “He didn’t see me.”

“Right, let’s go.” I tell him, “before Mum or Dad notice we’re acting strangely.”

We walk outside and around the back of the building to the rear of my office to find Derek. I have his clothes in my hand.

He looks at me wide-eyed. “Give me my clothes back. What’s going on?” He looks from me to Tyler, who has his camera in his hand.

“Derek. You’re a fucking idiot pervert and I’m going to give you a clue about yourself. You’re not fanciable, you’re pathetic and more than that, you’ve upset my mother. Now you need to move out of the area and we need to never hear from your sorry arse again, or these photos and the video we just took.” I point to Tyler, “are going to the police. A naked man hanging around a children’s play centre?”

“You’ve no proof it was at the play centre. I was round the back so it could be any industrial estate.” He snarls.

“The fire door says Kid Zone on it, mate, and there you are rubbing your dick outside it,” adds Tyler. “Plus, if you don’t move I’ve access to golf clubs and I’ll make sure you’re beaten up with them on a regular basis. You fucking leave my mum alone.”

“Okay, okay. I’ve been offered a job in Portsmouth, anyway. The further I am away from you nutjobs the better. You make me sick.”

“Yeah, about that.” Tyler says, and he picks up a bucket from behind him. I’d been wondering what it was doing outside.

Water flies across a naked Derek, complete with chunks of carrots and cake and the other evidence of just cleaned up vomit. “A kid ate too much of the bake sale.” Tyler adds.

I throw Derek’s clothes at him and we walk away. When we get back inside, I thank Beth and I hug my brother. “Thanks, bro. No telling Dad, okay? Don’t want to threaten his masculinity. I’ll fill mum in but let Dad think it was his fisticuffs that saw Derek off.”

“Agreed.” Tyler fist bumps me. “I’m gonna get back to Buddha, Cam. I’ve bought enough from the bake sale to keep her sweet for the rest of the evening.”

Back in Kid Zone, Beth gives me another thumbs up as she looks out of the window. I pull my mum to one side.

“Mum, I’ve taken care of Derek. I’m going to tell you everything later, but you will never see him again. Now, Mum, I’ve hated seeing you fed up. You know it’s perfectly normal for children to be embarrassed by their parents and you’re doing me a disservice currently by trying to be normal. I hate it. Now go and stand near Beth while I make my Kid Zone anniversary speech.

Mum smiles at me, a hint of genuine warmth in her eyes. “He’s really gone?”

“Yes, now go over there.” Doing as I ask she walks over to Beth.

I take to the microphone set up at the back of the room.

“If I could have your attention for a moment.” The room quietens down as much as it can do with young kids there. “Thank you so much for being here for what is already the second anniversary of Kid Zone. I can’t believe it’s been two years since the business opened. Once again I have to draw your attention to the fact that this is a team effort.” I name my staff one by one and they all receive a round of applause.

“Now this year our celebrity has traveled up from London where she was making a surprise appearance on Good Morning Television. Please welcome Reality and Self Improvement Star, Tatiana Patrick, to Kid Zone.”

As the blonde with the long curls and deep tan walks over to the stage, my mother lets out an almighty shriek. Her heroine, the author of half of the self help books on her shelf, is right on the stage in front of her. Plus, I asked her to have a one to one with my mum after her appearance. She waived her fee as it turns out she lost a premature baby before she got famous and she’s agreed to donate a hefty amount to the sensory room being built as one of her children has autism.

Indeed I have to hold my mother back and let the mums of Kid Zone have some time with Tatiana. She’s bringing an autobiography out and the mums want to ask her a million questions.

After the party has wound up, my mum goes into my office with Tatiana and when she comes out an hour later she’s enthused about her next steps, is off to go shopping and has made an appointment for Monday at the hairdressers.

“I can’t thank you enough,” I tell Tatiana.

“Oh, doll, it was nice to meet my superfan in person. Darls, I’m off now, my driver is waiting outside. I have a final meeting with my UK publishers and then I’m back home. My flight’s later tonight.”

She leaves and finally there’s just me and Dylan left doing the final checks before we’re ready to close up.

He comes wandering out of my office swinging an item of clothing. “Can you explain how a pair of men’s Y-fronts happen to be under your desk, fiancée, bearing in mind I wear boxers?” He asks me.

I laugh and fill my other half in on my escapades. Dylan’s nostrils flare at my story. “What if he’d have assaulted you? You’re never to do anything again without telling me.”

“Okay, I guess it was a little rash.” I confess.

“You’d have probably ended up with a little rash if the sleazeball had got to you.”

“I was just so mad about what he’d done to my mum.”

“You Turners. The lot of you are crazy.”

“Well, I’ll be a Ball in a year’s time.” I wink at him.

“Talking of balls,” He says. “I’ve always wanted to do dirty things to you under that slide.”

Chapter Seven

16 August 2017

Lindsay

Ten fucking days late. Lazy little git is showing no sign whatsoever of moving. Tyler has made me a curry every night for the last ten days. Curry and raspberry leaf tea can fuck off. I’ve tried to have sex with Ty, but he’s told me he knows I’m only doing it to try to get the baby out and that I shout at him 99.9% of the time, so I can sit my arse back on the sofa and wait for nature to take its course. Earlier he suggested a walk. I may have threatened to twist his bollocks off. The bones of my pelvis feel like they’re about to come apart. When I walk I feel as if there’s a large melon trying to come out of my box which I guess there kind of is. There’s really nothing at all that could make me feel any more shit at this moment in time. I’m like a beached whale.

Tyler comes running in. “Beth had the baby this morning.”

“She did what?” I screech. “She’s not due for another three and a half weeks! How fucking dare she? My baby was due first. Mine. I’m still here, a big fat blob and she’s had hers? In which universe is that fair?”

“Erm,” Tyler waves his hand, showing me the phone. “She’s on the phone, babe, wants to talk to you.”

I roll my head back against the sofa before gesturing for the phone. Fuck my life.

“Congratulations, Beth.” I say down the phone.

“Yeah, I just heard what you said. I know how you’ll feel, that’s why I called. Only the baby was born in the early hours after a four hour birth and I’m already home. But, I did want you to hear it from me, not Tyler.”

“I’m sorry, Beth. I really am pleased for you. So what have you had? Tell me all the details.”

“A little girl, Alesha May. Six pounds 12 ounces. I’ve had a couple of stitches but other than that it wasn’t too bad. Might need some ice down there for a few days. Anyway, I know it must suck being overdue. You remember, I was a full two weeks overdue with Trey.

I feel a tear roll down my cheek. “Sorry, I can’t take it much more. I swear if it was possible, I’d cut my own stomach up and take the baby out myself.”

“Oh I remember that feeling well. Look. I know you feel crap and it’s hard to get about but get Tyler to take you somewhere, even if it’s only for a drive. You can put towels down on the seats just in case.”

“Yeah, I might just do that. Thank you, Beth, and thank you so much for calling to tell me about the baby when you must be so busy.”

“No, actually I have my feet up and a cuppa, the baby is sleeping at the side of me and Leo and Trey are playing downstairs.”

“Right, I’m going to go now before I send an assassin round to finish your perfect life off.” I cackle, only half joking.

“Take care, Linds. Let me know when anything happens.”

She rings off.

Now I’m even more fucked off. She has her baby and I’m still sitting here like a volcano waiting to blow.

“Tyler.” I yell. “Come on, we’re going out.”

It’s a roasting hot day so after a small discussion and a quick look at the ‘What’s On’ guide for our area on the internet, Tyler decides we’ll go up to a summer music festival at a park not too far away. He’s all, ‘just in case the baby comes’. Yeah right, I think there’s more chance of the second coming than an appearance from this child.

He gets on my nerves from the minute we arrive, trying to get me to stay at the back out of the way of the crowds. There’s plenty of space between us and other people and a local band I like, Terrilion, are about to take to the stage. I waddle forward slowly trying to get as near as I can to the stage.

A woman at the side of me with a security lanyard spots me. “You sure you should be here?” She nods at my stomach.

“I had to get out of the house, I was going crazy,” I tell her.

“She’s ten days overdue,” Ty explains.

“Omg, you’re Tyler, Bewildered Baby Daddy!” The woman exclaims. “Bob from Terrilion just found out his wife’s expecting. He follows all your posts. Come up to the top and wait for the band. We have a VIP area. You’ll be able to have a seat there.” She says to me.

I note the fact that my pregnant state didn’t get me a seat in VIP. No, just my boyfriend being a famous YouTuber. You must not punch the lady offering you a chair. I repeat to myself over and over while I waddle forward following her.

Indeed she offers me a seat and also an ice cold coca cola, so I forgive her immediately. The band come on stage and their performance is epic.

The lead singer, Davey, leaps around the stage like a man possessed until it’s time for their slow song.

“Okay, it’s time for me to take it a little slower. Now let’s get a little lady up here with me on the stage. Who wants to join me? About two hundred female hands go up in the air, with those annoying squeals women let out embarrassing themselves. You know, the ones that come accompanied by a clapping of hands like you’re a fucking seal waiting for a fish.

Davey looks out around the crowd and then his eyes fix on mine. No. I don’t even have my hand up.

“As this track is called ‘Hold me Baby’, I think we’ll have the expectant mum over there up on stage.” He announces and fuck if I don’t squeal and clap my hands. Throw me a fucking fish someone.

I go up on stage, which takes a few minutes in my condition and Davey takes my hand and asks me my name. Oh my God, he is holding my hand. He sings and for two beautiful minutes he keeps staring into my eyes and then it happens. In front of about one thousand people, standing next to a local heart throb, my waters break and splash onto Davey’s feet.

And bless him, he carries on until he’s finished the song. Thanks me for taking the stage in front of the audience and then says to the crowd. “Well I think we’d better let Lindsay go and have the baby hadn’t we? Let’s wish her luck guys.”

I’m escorted off the stage carefully and Ty comes up to me. “Oh my God, you’re having the fucking baby. The fucking baby is coming. It’s going to be born in the middle of a field. I just know it. Did I not say we should have stayed near the car?”

I punch him in the arm. He’d banned me from this so-called annoying habit of mine, but he needed to calm the fuck down.

“Focus. And get me to the hospital.” I tell him.

As it happens, it’s twenty hours before Jacob Davey Turner makes his appearance. He’s a whopping ten pounds eight ounces and has a thick tuft of dark hair on his head, which Dora says is not surprising after all my heartburn. Tyler was a star throughout despite my almost breaking his fingers and he managed to stop the midwife who threatened to have me ejected from the labour room for being the rudest mother to be of all time. I calmed down after the epidural but she had told me she’d never had a baby, so when she kept telling me to be calm, I kind of told her that after the birth I would gather up and come fuck her with several hedgehogs.

An extra large bouquet of flowers turn up from Davey himself the day after Jacob’s birth. They kept me in an extra day for observation as my large baby had caused a bit of damage to the nether regions. Nothing that won’t heal quickly though.

Me and Ty can’t stop smiling at each other. Because we just created the most awesomest son ever. He’s currently in Grandma Dora’s arms. She’s been wilder than ever since she met up with that Tatiana woman. Today her hair is a vibrant pink, and she’s dressed in a pair of skinny jeans and a black long tee, gothic style with rips in it.

“Grandma is going to spoil you rotten,” she says and then beams at me. “Oh, Lindsay, he is so beautiful. I can see our Tyler in him. He looks like Ty as a baby.”

And an hour before my mother had said he looked just like me. I nod and smile.

“Little Jacob. I know someone who’s just had a little girl and she could be your wifey when you’re all grown up.” Dora coos. Then she collects herself. “Or maybe you will swing a different way and not like her. No pressure little one. Whatever floats your bath time boat.”

“My mother’s back to her abnormal self.” Ty whispers in my ear. “By the way, roll on six weeks cos you’re a hot mama.”

He’ll be lucky if he’s back near my vajayjay in twelve months with how sore it is to sit down, but one day at a time, hey. All I want to do now is focus on that little bundle who was worth every single puke, all of the feeling shite and all of the labour pain. In fact it's already fading into the background as Dora hands me my son.

“Oh, Jacob.” I coo at him again. “I think you’ll need a brother or sister one day. Not now, but one day.”

There’s a thud and I turn around to find my other half has hit the decks. Later he’ll say it was because he forgot to eat during my long labour, but he managed the whole thing without even feeling queasy. Maybe, I spoke a bit too soon about extending the family with my loved one.

I’ll have to take it easy with him, he’s a sensitive soul.

When I get home I find out that Tyler has already made the baby an Instagram account and there’s a photo of Jacob next to a microphone with Terrilion tagged and ‘your next lead singer’ as the status.

“I’m going to try to get a bit of rest. Please don’t accidentally auction the baby on YouTube or something while I’m asleep.”

“I’m not even going on YouTube.” He says. “It’s father and son bonding time.”

Tyler

Bewildered Baby Daddy - final excerpt.

Wow. The moment that baby is put in your arms, the world stops, tilts and you see everything in a different way. As you walk that baby around the room trying to get them to sleep at night, you think of your own parents and that they must have done this very thing. You become more grateful, closer to your own. They know what you’re going through and you know what they went through.

You have to learn to listen to everyone’s advice and then feel free to ignore the whole damn lot of it because everyone thinks they know best. You have to remember they’re just trying to help.

People you’ve only spoken to twice on the street, come round with presents or knitting. We’ve had so many gifts from my fans I’m humbled, truly humbled and what we can’t make use of we are donating to a local charity.

My son is my world. I adore Linds, my love and baby momma, but we’ve both agreed that we would throw each other under a bus to save our son from any harm and that’s okay.

I dress my son in the little romper I secretly ordered after he was born and place myself in the tee shirt that matches. Mine says ‘My son is the bollocks’. On Jacob’s it says ‘I came from my Dad’s bollocks’. I snap a very quick photo before my baby mum wakes up and the only place you’re going to see this photo is in this book, right at the back on this very last page.

Thanks for reading and I’ll catch up with you soon.

Tyler xxx

The even more bewildered baby daddy.

THE END

Also from Andie M. Long

ALL TITLES

THE ALPHA SERIES

The Alphabet Game Amazon: http://getbook.at/alphabetgame

The Alphabet Wedding: Amazon: http://getbook.at/alphabetwedding

The Calendar Game: Amazon: http://getbook.at/calendargame

The Baby Game: Amazon: http://getBook.at/BabyGame

The Alpha Series Boxset: Amazon: http://getbook.at/Alphaseriesboxset

The Alphabet Game: Play It Playbook: http://getbook.at/playthealphabet

THE BALL GAMES SERIES

Balls (Book One): Amazon: http://getbook.at/AmazonBallsOne

Snow Balls (Book Two): Amazon: http://getbook.at/AmazonSnowBalls2

New Balls Please (Book Three): Amazon: http://getbook.at/NewBallsPlease

Balls Fore (Book Four): Amazon: http://getbook.at/BallsFore

The Ball Games Bundle (One to Four): Amazon: http://getbook.at/BallGamesBundle

Jingle Balls (Book Five): Amazon: http://getbook.at/jingleballs5

Curve Balls (Book Six): Amazon: http://getbook.at/curveballs

STANDALONE TITLES

UNDERNEATH: Amazon: http://getbook.at/underneath1

JOURNEY TO THE CENTRE OF MYSELF: Amazon: http://getbook.at/Journeycentre

SAVIOUR: Amazon: http://getbook.at/Saviour

MInE: Amazon: http://getbook.at/MINEsuspense

THE BUNK UP (co-written with DH Sidebottom): Amazon: http://getbook.at/bunkup

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About Andie

Andie M. Long is author of Amazon Number One Erotic Thrillers Saviour, and The Alphabet Game amongst others.

She lives in Sheffield with her son and long suffering partner.

When not being partner, mother, employee or writer she can usually be found on Facebook or walking her whippet, Bella.

Andie will be signing in York 2018 and Sheffield 2019.

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