The Hot Damned Collection 1
Date: 2020-04-12 16:00:00+00:00
Rights: Copyright 2020 Robyn Peterman. All rights reserved.

The Hot Damned Collection

Volume One

Robyn Peterman

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Copyright © 2020 by Robyn Peterman

All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, businesses, companies, events, or locales is coincidental.

This book contains content that may not be suitable for young readers 17 and under.

Cover by Rebecca Poole of dreams2media

Uproariously witty, deliciously provocative, and just plain fun! No one delivers side-splitting humor and mouth-watering sensuality like Robyn Peterman.

This is entertainment at its absolute finest!

~ Darynda Jones, NY Times Bestselling Author of the Charley Davidson Series

Dedication

For my readers. You rock my world.

Contents

Fashionably Dead

Book Description

Prologue

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Chapter 23

Chapter 24

Chapter 25

Chapter 26

Chapter 27

Chapter 28

Chapter 29

Chapter 30

Chapter 31

Chapter 32

Chapter 33

Chapter 34

Chapter 35

Chapter 36

Chapter 37

Chapter 38

Chapter 39

Chapter 40

Chapter 41

Chapter 42

Fashionably Dead Down Under

Book Description

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Chapter 23

Chapter 24

Chapter 25

Chapter 26

Chapter 27

Chapter 28

Chapter 29

Chapter 30

Chapter 31

Hell On Heels

Book Description

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Chapter 23

Chapter 24

Chapter 25

Chapter 26

Chapter 27

Chapter 28

Chapter 29

Chapter 30

Chapter 31

Chapter 32

Chapter 33

Chapter 34

Chapter 35

Chapter 36

Chapter 37

Epilogue

Note From The Author

Excerpt from: It’s A Wonderful Midlife Crisis

Book Description

Chapter 1

Robyn’s Book List

About Robyn Peterman

Fashionably Dead

Hot Damned Series Book One

Book Description

Vampyres don’t exist. They absolutely do not exist.

At least I didn’t think they did ‘til I tried to quit smoking and ended up Undead. Who in the hell did I screw over in a former life that my getting healthy equates with dead?

Now I’m a Vampyre. Yes, we exist whether we want to or not. However, I have to admit, the perks aren’t bad. My girls no longer jiggle, my ass is higher than a kite and the latest Prada keeps finding its way to my wardrobe. On the downside, I’m stuck with an obscenely profane Guardian Angel who looks like Oprah and a Fairy Fighting Coach who’s teaching me to annihilate like the Terminator.

To complicate matters, my libido has increased to Vampyric proportions and my attraction to a hotter than Satan’s underpants killer rogue Vampyre is not only dangerous . . . it’s possibly deadly. For real dead. Permanent death isn’t on my agenda. Avoiding him is my only option. Of course, since he thinks I’m his, it’s easier said than done. Like THAT’S not enough to deal with, all the other Vampyres think I’m some sort of Chosen One.

Holy Hell, if I’m in charge of saving an entire race of blood suckers, the Undead are in for one hell of a ride.

Prologue

I drew hard on the cigarette and narrowed my eyes at the landscape before me. Graves, tombstones, crypts... she didn’t belong here. Hell, I didn’t belong here. My eyes were dry. I’d cried so much there was nothing left. I exhaled and watched as the blue grey smoke wafted out over the plastic flowers decorating the headstones.

Five minutes. I just needed five minutes and then I could go back...

“That’s really gross,” Gemma said, as she rounded the corner of the mausoleum I was hiding behind and scared the hell out of me. She fanned the smoke away and eyed me. “She wanted you to quit, maybe now would be a good time.”

“Agreed. It’s totally gross and disgusting and I’m going to quit, regardless of the fact that other than you, Marlboro Lights are my best friend... but today is definitely not the day,” I sighed and took another long drag.

“That’s pathetic,” she chuckled.

“Correct. Do you have perfume and gum?”

“Yep.” She dug through her purse and handed me a delicate bottle.

“I can’t use this. It’s the expensive French shit.”

“Go for it,” she grinned. “You’re gonna need it. You smell like an ashtray and your mother is inside scaring people to death.”

“Son of a... ” I moaned and quickly spritzed myself. “I thought she left. She didn’t want to come in the first place.”

“Could have fooled me,” Gemma said sarcastically, handing over a piece of gum and shoving me from my hiding place.

“Come on,” I muttered, as my bossy best friend pushed me back to my beloved grandmother’s funeral.

* * *

The hall was filled with people. Foldout tables lined the walls and groaned under the weight of casseroles, cakes and cookies. Men and women, most of whom I knew, milled around and ate while they gossiped. Southern funerals were a time to socialize and eat. A lot.

As I made my way through the crowd and accepted condolences, I got an earful of information I could have happily lived without. I learned that Donna Madden was cheating on her husband Greg, Candy Pucker had gained thirty pounds from eating Girl Scout cookies and had shoved her fat ass into a heinous sequined gown, for the funeral no less, and Sam Boomaster, the Mayor, was now a homosexual. Hell, I just wanted to leave, but I had to find my mother before she did something awful.

“I loved her.” Charlie stopped me in my tracks and grabbed my hand in his old gnarled one.

His toupee was angled to the left and his black socks and sandals peeked out from his high-water plaid pants. He was beautiful.

“Me too,” I smiled.

“You know I tried to court her back in the day, but she only had eyes for your Grandpa.” He smoothed his sweater vest and laid a wet one on my cheek... and if I’m not mistaken, and I’m not, he grabbed my ass.

“Charlie, if you touch my butt again, I’ll remove your hand.” I grinned and adjusted his toupee. He was a regular in the art class I taught at the senior center and his wandering hands were infamous.

“Can’t blame a guy for trying. You have a nice ass there, Astrid! You look like one of them there supermodels! Gonna make some lucky man very happy one day,” he explained seriously.

“With my ass?”

“Well now, your bosom is nothing to scoff at either and your legs... ” he started.

“Charlie, I’m gonna cut you off before you wax poetic about things that will get you arrested for indecency.”

“Good thinking, girlie!” he laughed. “If you ever want to hear stories about your Nana from when we were young, I’d be happy to share.”

“Thanks, Charlie, I’d like that.”

I gave him a squeeze, holding his hands firmly to his sides and made my way back into the fray.

As I scanned the crowd for my mother, my stomach clenched. After everything I had to put up with today, the evil approaching was just too much. Martha and Jane, the ancient matriarchs of the town and the nastiest gossips that ever lived were headed straight for me. Fuck.

“I suppose you’ll get an inheritance,” Jane snapped as she looked me up and down. “You’ll run through it like water.”

“Your Nana, God bless her, was blind as a bat when it came to you,” Martha added caustically. “I mean, my God, what are you? Thirty and unmarried? It’s just downright disrespectable.”

“I’m twenty-nine, happily single and getting it on a regular basis,” I said, enjoying the way their thin lips hung open in an impressive O.

“Well, I’ve never,” Jane gasped.

“Clearly. You should try it sometime. I understand Mr. Smith is so vision impaired, you might have a shot there.”

Their appalled shrieks were music to my ears and I quickly made my escape. Nana would have been a bit disappointed with my behavior, but she was gone.

Time to find the reason I came back in here for... I smelled her before I saw her. A waft of Chanel perfume made the lead ball in my stomach grow heavier. I took a deep breath, straightened my very vintage Prada sheath that I paid too much for, plastered a smile on my face, said a quick prayer and went in to the battle.

“Mother, is everything alright?”

She stood there mutely and stared. She was dressed to the nines. She didn’t belong here... in this town, in this state, in my life.

“I’m sorry, are you speaking to me?” she asked. Shit, she was perfect... on the outside. Gorgeous and put together to a degree I didn’t even aspire to. On the inside she was a snake.

“Um, yes. I asked you if... ” I stammered.

“I heard you,” she countered smoothly. “If you can’t bother to comply with my wishes, I can’t be bothered to answer you.”

“Right,” I muttered and wished the floor would open and swallow me. “I’m sorry, I meant Petra. Petra, is everything alright?”

“No, everything is not alright,” she hissed. “I have a plane to catch and I have no more time or patience to make chit chat with backward rednecks. It was wrong of you to ask me to be here.”

“Your mother died,” I said flatly. “This is her funeral and these people are here to pay their respects.”

“Oh for God’s sake, she was old and lived well past her time.”

I was speechless. Rare for me, but if anyone was capable of shocking me to silence, it was my mother.

“So, like I said, I have a plane to catch. I’ll be back next week.” She eyed me critically, grimacing at what she saw. “You need some lipstick. You’re lucky you got blessed with good genes because you certainly don’t do anything to help.”

With that loving little nugget, she turned on her stiletto heel and left. I glanced around to see if we’d been overheard and was mortified to see we had clearly been the center of attention.

“Jesus, she’s mean,” Gemma said, pulling me away from prying eyes and big ears.

“Do I look awful?” I whispered, feeling the heat crawl up my neck as the mourners looked on with pity. Not for my loss, but for my parentage.

“You’re beautiful,” Gemma said. “Inside and out.”

“I need to smoke,” I mumbled. “Can we leave yet?”

Gemma checked her watch. “Yep, we’re out of here.”

“I don’t want to go home yet,” I said, looking around for Bobby Joe Gimble, the funeral director. Where in the hell was he and did I need to tip him? Shit, I had no clue what funeral etiquette was. “Do I have to... ?”

“Already took care of everything,” Gemma told me. “Let’s go.”

“Where to?” I asked. Damn, I was grateful she was mine.

“Hattie’s.”

“Thank you, Jesus.”

* * *

Hattie’s sold one thing and one thing only. Ice cream. Homemade, full of fat, heart attack inducing ice cream. It was probably my favorite place in the world.

“I’ll have a triple black raspberry chip in a cone cup,” I said as I eyed all the flavors. I didn’t know why I even looked at them. I was totally loyal to my black raspberry chip. My ice cream couldn’t talk back to me, break up with me or make me feel bad. Of course, my love could extend the size of my ass, but I wasn’t even remotely concerned about that today. Besides, I planned a very long run for later. I needed to clear my head and be alone.

“Sorry about your loss, Sugar,” Hattie said and I nodded. Her big fleshy arms wobbled as she scooped out my treat. “Do you want sprinkles and whipped cream on that, Baby?”

“Um... ” I glanced over at Gemma who grinned and gave me a thumbs up. “Yes, yes I do.”

“Me too,” Gemma added, “but I want mint chip, please.”

“You got it, Sugar Buns,” Hattie said and handed me a monstrous amount of ice cream. “It’s on me today, Astrid. I feel just terrible I couldn’t be at the funeral.”

“That’s okay, Hattie. You and Nana were such good friends. I want your memories to be of that.”

“Thank you for that, Darlin’. Ever since my Earl died from siphoning gasoline, I haven’t been able to set foot near that goddamn funeral parlor.”

I swallowed hard. Her late ex-husband Earl had siphoned gasoline since he was ten. His family owned the local gas station and apparently, as legend had it, he enjoyed the taste. But on the fateful day in question, he’d been smoking a cigar while he did it... and blew himself to kingdom come. It was U-G-L-Y. Earl was spread all over town. Literally. He and Hattie had been divorced for years and hated each other. It was no secret he had fornicated with over half the older women in town, but when he died like that, he became a saint in her eyes.

I bit down on the inside of my cheek. Hard. Although it was beyond inappropriate, whenever anyone talked about Earl, I laughed.

“Astrid totally understands.” Gemma gave Hattie a quick hug and pushed me away from the counter before I said or did something unforgivable.

“Thanks,” I whispered. “That would have been bad.”

“Yep,” Gemma grinned and shoveled a huge spoon of ice cream in her mouth.

“Where in the hell do you put that?” I marveled at her appetite. “You’re tiny.”

“You’re a fine one to talk, Miss I Have the World’s Fastest Metabolism.”

“That’s the only good thing I inherited from the witch who spawned me,” I said and dug in to my drug of choice. I winced in pain as my frozen ice cream ass-extender went straight to the middle of my forehead.

“Are you okay?” Gemma asked.

I took a deep breath and pinched the bridge of my nose. God, I hated brain freezes. “No, not right now, but I’ve decided to change some stuff. Nana would want me to.”

My best friend watched me silently over her ice cream.

“I’m going to stop smoking, get a real career, work out every day, date someone who has a job and not a parole officer, get married, have two point five kids and prove that I was adopted.”

“That’s a pretty tall order. How are you gonna make all that happen?” she asked, handing me a napkin. “Wipe your mouth.”

“Thanks,” I muttered. “I have no fucking idea, but I will succeed... or die trying.”

“Good luck with that.”

“Um, thanks. Do you mind if we leave here so I can chain smoke ‘til I throw up so it will be easier to quit?”

“Is that the method you’re going to use?” Gemma asked, scooping up our unfinished ice cream and tossing it.

“I know it seems a little unorthodox, but I read it worked for Jennifer Aniston.”

“Really?”

“No, but it sounded good,” I said, dragging her out of Hattie’s.

“God, Astrid,” Gemma groaned. “Whatever you need to do I’m here for you, but you have to quit. I don’t want you to die. Ever.”

“Everybody dies,” I said quietly, reminded that the woman I loved most had died only a week ago. “But I’ve got too fucking much to do to die any time soon.”

Chapter One

Sixteen mortals and twenty Rogue Vampyres died. Eight of the Elite Guard had died, including my Samuel.

“How do we explain this?” I asked Heathcliff. The death toll was high and the damage was massive.

“Fire,” he said.

“What fire?” I looked around to make sure we weren’t on the verge of getting crispy.

“The fire we will start when we’re done in here.”

“What about the humans that escaped?” I asked. The horrific image of my townsfolk all battered and bloody as we flew them to safety was stuck in my head, but that paled in comparison to Brad Pitt sobbing over Angelina lying dead and mutilated on the ground. I pushed the images away.

To pay my respects to Samuel, I would stay strong. He always told me to cry hard and then get over it. After that, laugh heartily and go out and kill something. Ahhh, the logic of a very old Vampyre... I wasn’t sure I could do it, but I’d try. I had already cried. Now it was time to move on, laugh and kick some ass.

“The humans have been tranced. They believe a fire broke out during the memorial and people got trapped,” Heathcliff said, briskly assessing the damage in the room.

“What about bones and DNA and things left in the ash that could cause questions and lead to problems far bigger than what we’re dealing with here?” I had a hard time comprehending problems bigger than what I was looking at, but I knew they existed.

“Don’t worry,” Heathcliff assured me. “There will be nothing left after this fire.” He glanced quickly at Gemma. “Are you stuck like that?”

“Not sure.” She shrugged her massive shoulders.

“Gem, where is The Kev?” I asked, still awed by her transformation.

“He’s forbidden to come to me until I have completed the fourth Mortal String. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say I need to shift back before I’m done. I wish to God I knew how. I’m feeling a little self-conscious like this,” she giggled. It was beyond surreal to hear a huge, scaly monster giggle, but leave it to Gemma to make the stuff of nightmares appealing.

“Okay then.” Heathcliff considered the options. “We could probably cover Gemma with those sheets draped over that... what is that?” he asked, referring to the mound on the far side of the room.

“It’s a monument.” I shook my head. “I’d like to make it clear that I had nothing to do with it. My sister... or rather... ” I looked to the King. “Your dau... ”

“We’ll discuss that later,” Heathcliff cut me off. “When we are sure.”

He raised an eyebrow and I nodded. It would be cruel to say something to the King, if Julie wasn’t Juliet. Although the chances of that were slim to none.

“Hey, I know,” Gemma volunteered. “I’m the size of a truck,” she laughed. “Just cover me and put me behind one of your vehicles and pretend to tow me back to the Cressida House.”

“Good God almighty.” Venus threw her head back and let out a huge peal of laughter. “That I’ve gotta see.”

“You had best not be laughing at me,” Gemma warned Venus, her silver-blue eyes twinkling. “I eat people.”

Venus squealed and darted away from Gemma’s massive body. “I’ll go get your outfit,” she laughed as she ran to the other side of the room to retrieve the sheets.

I tentatively let my lips curve into a smile. The moment I did, I felt Samuel’s spirit pass through me. It tickled and a small laugh escaped from my sad body. A warmth folded around me for a heartbeat and then floated away. I felt sure that Samuel would be hanging out with my Nana in Heaven. I knew I was going to be okay. Samuel would expect me to be okay.

There was an audible gasp as Venus revealed the monument. It was the tomb. The tomb from my dreams. How was that possible?

“My God.” The King was awestruck. “It looks like a crypt for a Queen. A Queen from when I was human.”

I knew they were discussing the tomb, but I couldn’t hear them. All I could make out was static. A compulsion, stronger than any I’d ever known controlled me. I walked slowly toward the tomb, my hands outstretched. I could feel the tingling in my fingertips. It quickly spread down my arms, through my chest and into my legs. I knew my heart lay dormant in my body, but I would swear I felt it pounding in my chest. My stomach twisted and although I didn’t breathe I felt like I was suffocating. A gust of wind burst through the Town Hall and blew my hair wildly around my head. The sense of deja vu was chilling.

“Push, Astrid,” she gasped. Oh my God, the lady was in the tomb.

I placed both of my hands on the tomb and began to push. The tomb started to crumble under my fingers. The stone turned to cold hard diamonds—beautiful sparkling sharp ice that sliced into my hands. My hands bled, but I didn’t stop. I was so close. The blood ran from my hands, down my arms and seeped into the soft white cotton of my shirt. The stunning diamonds were awash in my blood... I knew if I pushed a little more... I could... The pain was becoming intolerable. Every nerve ending in my body was on high alert, screaming for me to stop.

If I could just push harder... I felt silk, soft slippery silk between my fingers. Her dress... I was touching her dress. I was so close to her. I knew I could save her. I needed to pull her out. I looked down and watched my blood turn her beautiful sheer, green silk dress to crimson. She was laughing with joy. She was so proud of me. I had waited my whole life to hear her tell me she loved...

A brilliant flash of light exploded as the tomb continued to crumble. I backed away as the light bounced around the room, momentarily blinding me. Streaks of red lightning zipped down from the ceiling, bathing the rubble in an angry pink glow. Where in the hell was the tomb lady?

“Hello, Astrid,” a hollow voice rasped.

“Mother?” I gasped. She was breathtaking, but there was something wild and untamed about her now. Unhinged might be a better term. Her pale green dress, stained with my blood, billowed around her. It was definitely my mother, but she appeared to be transparent.

“In the flesh.” She flashed her teeth at me and gave a brittle laugh. “Well, almost.”

“Are you a ghost?”

“No, darling, I’m in between worlds... for the moment.”

“Can I touch you?” I needed to touch her. I had always needed to touch her and I had prayed my entire life that one of these times she would want to touch me back.

“With those filthy hands? I think not.” She gave me a withering stare. “Besides, as you can see, I’m not quite corporeal.”

She leaned toward me with a real and gentle smile on her face. She was so pretty. My body tingled to be the recipient of that look. I reached for her. She reached for me and released a blast of red lightning from her hand. It grazed my shoulder, sending shock waves of excruciating pain through my body and bitch-slapped me back to the reality of the abusive relationship I’d always had with my mother. I refused to make a sound. How did that lightning get through my shield?

“Whoops, sweetie.” She made a sad face. “Did that hurt?”

I couldn’t speak. I wanted to scream in agony, but I refused to cry in front of her. I stood silently and watched her.

“You see, Astrid,” she said, her voice clipped and business-like, “I have three hours to find someone. Someone very important to me.” She smiled and reached out to me. I flinched away. Her smile disappeared and her eyes turned cold and hard. “I need to borrow your body.”

“What? No!” I was shocked. Fear and anger knotted up inside of me. She was not taking my body, whatever that meant. I was not the only one inhabiting my body right now and I sure as hell didn’t want her to know that.

“You don’t have to be a bitch about it,” she hissed.

Then from behind me, a pathetic chorus of voices began calling out.

“Take mine.”

“I’ll die for you, sweet mother.”

“Take me, mommy.”

“I am yours, mother.”

“I love you.”

The Rogues began wailing and moaning and crying. They were calling her Mother.

Holy shit, she was their mother? They were the brothers and sisters Julie told me about?

This was fucking fantastic. Those killing machines that ate people were my siblings? I’d bet a lot of money that we shared the same Demon King daddy. I felt ill.

Her eyes whipped to the corner of the room where the Rogues, her children, were chained. She gasped and quickly masked her astonishment and rage at their presence. She was such a good mother. Her tone was venomous. “You’re worthless,” she screamed at them. “Look at you chained like a common human.”

Their wailing was pitiful. They were begging her to use them, to love them. I thought I had nothing in common with them, but I was wrong. We all wanted that monstrosity’s love.

Her voice was low and calm. Truly terrifying. “None of you have accomplished what your sister has.” She pointed at me. They spat and bared their fangs. “I had such high hopes for all of you, but you failed me. For five hundred years I’ve been giving birth to you hideous creatures and I hate all of you.” She smiled at them. The wails increased to deafening volumes.

“Shut up,” she screamed. She floated toward her children and they cowered in fear. “There, there... ” She gave them a hostile glare. “Don’t be frightened. All I ever wanted was for one of you to release me between my wretched mortal lives, but you were too stupid and useless to do it.”

She shot lightning at two of them, severing their heads off. “God, that felt good!”

Joy bubbled in her laugh and her eyes shone bright.

“The stupidest and most worthless one of all accomplished what none of you could. Bow to her,” she shrieked, killing three of my brothers who dared to defy her. “Bow to the bitch. She has released me.”

They bowed. I’d pretty much had all of her compliments that I could take. She was batshit crazy and I had to get rid of her. Except I had no idea how.

“Are you a Demon?” I asked her.

She pivoted mid-decapitation and gave me a lovely smile. “No, my sweet,” she cooed, “your daddy is a Demon. He’s Abbadon, King of the Demons.

I glanced back. The Elite Guard had surrounded the King. They looked dull and colorless to me. They were cloaked. She couldn’t see them.

“What about Julie, Mother?” The puzzle that was piecing itself together did not look good. “Is she really my sister? We look nothing alike.”

“I know.” She eyed me with disdain. “Juliet is beautiful... hard to believe you’re sisters.”

Why did her hatred still hurt? “We must have different fathers.” I tried to goad her into completing the picture.

“Yes,” she sighed and looked wistful and lost. “She’s quite old.” My mother’s voice dripped with jealousy. “She’s immortal, just like you, Astrid.”

“How old is she?” I asked. Please say a hundred or two hundred or even four hundred. Do not say five hundred or so. Do not let her be Ethan’s sister. Do not let my mother be the...

“She’s five hundred and nineteen, isn’t she, Petra?” The King stepped out from behind the Elite Guard and shed his cloaking. He confronted the horrific creature that had given birth to me.

“Brilliant,” Petra screamed in delight. “I don’t need your body after all,” she told me. “Astrid, Astrid... God, if I’d known you’d be so useful, I would have treated you better. You brought me what I wanted. You’re such a good girl!”

Her eyes were wild and she shivered in anticipation.

The puzzle came together in my mind with a sickening click. My mother was Petra, the banished wife of the King. Juliet was her daughter. Juliet was my sister. Juliet was Ethan’s sister. Which means I mated with my brother. Wait. Think... They have different mothers and we have different fathers so... I’m so confused, but I’m pretty sure that Ethan and I weren’t committing incest. His father was the Vampyre King and mine was the Demon King. His mother died in childbirth and mine was the psychotic bitch flying around the room trying to kill everybody and take over the world. We were safe. Thank you, Jesus. As relieved as I was that I hadn’t mated with a relative, I was also terrified that my lovely mother was getting ready to do some bad mamba jamba.

“What do you want, Petra?” I asked, stepping between her and the King.

“Isn’t it obvious, dear?” she replied sharply. “I want to live forever. I’m so sick and tired of dying and starting over, time after time,” she moaned. She was coming unhinged. I watched in fascination as her eyes turned black with fury. “What I’m really sick of is fucking your Demon father. I hate fucking Demons and producing worthless shit,” she screamed.

Her eyes blazed with insanity. She flew on a gust of wind back to the Rogues who, despite her hatred of them, reached lovingly for her. “You are scum,” she spat as they sobbed. She laughed maniacally and blasted them with red lightning, killing all of them instantly.

She wants to live forever. She wants the King. She wants... Oh shit, no.

I unsheathed my katana and waited. She flew around me. I kept the King behind me the entire time. Heathcliff, Cathy, and Venus sprinted in and we had the King sandwiched between us. Gemma moved forward with Sir James and the rest of the Elite Guard drew their weapons.

“Do you think you can kill me with your little toys?” She was positively gleeful. “I’m a spirit, you imbeciles. Watch,” she yelled. She ran her body through Sir James’ outstretched sword. Nothing happened. She was becoming more transparent with each passing moment.

“Shit,” Cathy muttered.

“Agreed,” Heathcliff whispered. “How in the hell do we kill her?”

“Astrid, I think this is where you being the Chosen One comes in,” Venus said. My panic escalated.

“Don’t forget,” the King added, “I know her quite well and I’m not helpless. I’m completely armed.”

“With all due respect my Liege, not against a transparent flying psycho witch shooting red lightning out of her hands,” I said and I started to laugh. I tried to suppress it, but I couldn’t. The utter insanity of what was happening was too much. It was either laugh or freak out.

We were Vampyres trying to kill what basically amounted to a ghost, who happened to be my mother and the former wife of the King. She wanted to drink the King’s blood, rip his heart out and eat him. Then she planned to take over the world with my Demon daddy, which besides being disgusting, was so not going to happen today.

I had apparently been created for this exact moment and I had absolutely no idea what in the hell to do. I didn’t know how to kill her and therefore I couldn’t keep the King safe. I let my spirit leave my body and tried to enter her, but there was nothing to enter. My spirit floated through her as if she wasn’t there. If she was non-corporeal, how was she causing such damage?

“I don’t have much time, Astrid,” she said through clenched teeth. “Move away from my husband, or I’ll kill everyone in the room.”

“Can’t do that, Mom.” I decided on a new tactic. “Does my father know you don’t like to fuck him? God, I wouldn’t want to have sex with something that disgusting either. I don’t know how you did it for five hundred years.”

She began to hiss and turn more transparent.

“I don’t think he likes you much either, because after he beat the hell out of you, he stood there and watched while all of his friends ate you... and he laughed the whole time.”

“Shut up,” she hissed. Her face hardened with rage and her flying became erratic.

“It must suck to get knocked up century after century by someone who hates you. If memory serves, I believe he called you a bitch. Now that’s just not nice.”

“I’ve had enough of this,” she shrieked. “Abaddon loves me.”

She raised her hands in the air and red lightning rained down striking everywhere. I threw my body over the King. Heathcliff, Venus, and Cathy piled on top. Petra let out a piercing wail and wave after wave of dark Magic surged through the room. I couldn’t see or hear. The evil juju she was causing felt like icy pinpricks all over my skin. I knew I was screaming. I could feel the vibrations in my body. I had just lost the ability to hear it.

Then it stopped. It was over. We all stood up and realized Petra was gone. So was the King.

“Oh dear God, where is he?” Sir James began to frantically search the room for the King.

Cathy and Venus dug through the rubble while Heathcliff looked through the pile of dead Rogues.

“Astrid,” Gemma said. “Where did she take him?”

“I don’t know.” I dropped to the ground and hugged my knees to my chest.

“Where are they?” Gemma asked again.

“I told you I don’t know,” I ground out, my jaw clenched tight.

“Yes, you do,” she said calmly. “Focus.”

I closed my eyes tight, fighting against my desire to attack her. Why did she think I knew? They were all wrong. I was not the Chosen One. I was nothing.

I tried to focus. On what? I didn’t know. I pushed everything out and let my spirit float freely inside of my own body. I had never done this before. The minute I relaxed, images raced through my mind like a crack addict channel surfing. Ethan’s smile, Nana’s eyes, Angelina Pitt’s scattered remains, Samuel’s middle finger, Ross’ Velcro hair, Abaddon’s claws, undulating Demons, Petra and the King surrounded by the gorgeous rocks at Diamond Caverns.

“The caves,” I gasped. “She took him to Diamond Caverns, near the Portal to Hell.”

“It will take at least thirty minutes flying at full speed,” Heathcliff said, tucking his dagger into his belt and readying himself.

“He’ll be dead,” Sir James said.

“It will take me thirty seconds and he will not be dead. It’s not his day to die,” I told them. I flung my arms out scattering Fairy Glitter everywhere and disappeared.

* * *

Ethan burst through the doors of the Town Hall, followed by Luke, Princess Raquel and Princess Lelia. “We lost Juliet, but it’s definitely her.” He scanned the room quickly. “Where’s Astrid? Where’s my father?”

“Queen Petra took your father to Diamond Caverns and Astrid transported after them,” Sir James told him.

“Goddamn it.” Ethan turned to leave.

“Ethan!” The serious tone of Sir James’ voice stopped him. “She’s pregnant.”

Ethan blanched and everyone except Gemma gasped. “How? That’s not possible,” he whispered.

“She’s the Chosen One. It’s ordained,” Sir James smiled.

Ethan’s fists clenched as tears of disbelief and joy threatened to fall. This was something he had never even imagined, something no Vampyre had the right to even dream of. This was the secret she was going to share tonight. He gathered himself, turned to his people and roared, “Fly. Now.”

As they hit the air, Cathy flicked her fingers at the Town Hall. It exploded and burst into a raging fire equal only to the white hot fury burning through Ethan’s body at the thought of harm coming to the two... no, the three people he loved most in the world.

Chapter Two

Three months later . . .

“There are ten thousand ways to express yourself creatively,” I huffed, yanking on my running shoes. “My God, there’s acting, painting, sewing, belly dancing, cooking... Shit, scrapbooking is creative.” I shoved my arms into my high school sweatshirt that had seen better days.

“You’re not actually wearing that,” Gemma said, helping herself to my doughnut.

“Yep, I actually am.” I grabbed my breakfast out of her hand and shoved it in my mouth. “And by the way, I’ve decided to be a movie star.”

“But you can’t act,” my best friend reminded me.

“That’s completely beside the point,” I explained, taking the sweatshirt off. I hated it when Gemma was right. “Half the people in Hollywood can’t act.”

“Don’t you think it might be wise to choose a career that you actually have the skills to do?”

“Nope, I told you I’m making changes. Big ones.”

I bent over and tied my running shoes. Maybe if I just ran forever, I would stop hurting. Maybe if I found something meaningful, I could figure out who in the hell I was.

Gemma picked up my soda and took a huge swig. “You’re an artist and a damn good one. You should do something with that.”

“Yeah, maybe,” I said, admiring my reflection in the microwave. Holy hell, my hair was sticking up all over my head. “Why didn’t you tell me my hair exploded?”

“Because it’s funny,” Gemma laughed.

“I’ll never make it in show business if people see my hair like this,” I muttered and tried to smooth it down.

“Astrid, you will never make it in show business no matter what your hair looks like. You may be pretty, but you can’t act your way out of a hole and you suck as a liar,” Gemma informed me as she flopped down on my couch and grabbed the remote.

“Your confidence in me is overwhelming.” I picked out a baseball cap and shoved it over my out of control curls. “If the movie star thing doesn’t work out, I might open a restaurant.”

“Did you become mentally challenged during the night at some point?” she asked as she channel surfed faster than any guy I ever dated.

“Gimme that thing.” I yanked the remote away from her. “What in the hell are you trying to find?”

“Jersey Shore.”

“For real?” I laughed.

“For real for real,” she grinned.

“Don’t you have a home?” I asked.

“Yep. I just like yours better.”

I threw the remote back at her and grabbed my purse. If I was going to be a famous actress, or at the very least a chef, I needed to get started. But before I could focus on my new career, I had business to take care of. Very important business...

“Where are you going?” Gemma yawned. “It’s 8:00 on a Sunday morning.”

“I’m going running,” I said, staring at the ceiling.

“Oh my God,” Gemma grinned, calling me out on my lie. “Astrid, since when do you run with your purse?”

“Okay fine,” I snapped. “I’m going to run a few errands and say goodbye forever to one of my best friends today.”

Gemma gaped at me. Her mouth hung open like she’d had an overdose of Novocain at the dentist. “So today is the day? You really going to end it?”

“I don’t really have a choice, since there’s so much damn money riding on it.”

“Oh my God,” she squealed and punched me in the arm. “I’m so proud of you.”

“Don’t be proud yet,” I muttered, praying I’d be successful with my breakup plans.

“You didn’t have to take the bet,” Gemma said.

“Yes, I did,” I said and shook my head with disgust. “Nothing else has worked. Voodoo has to.”

“Voodoo?”

“Yep.”

“Good luck with that.”

“Thanks,” I said as I slapped on some lip gloss. “I’m gonna need it.”

“Yes, you are,” Gemma grinned. “Yes, you are.”

* * *

It was hot and I was sweaty and I wondered for the umpteenth time if I was losing my mind. I needed to stop making bets that were impossible to win. Maybe I could be a social smoker or I could just hide it from everyone. I could carry perfume and gum and lotion and drive to the next town when I needed a nicotine fix.

“Excuse me, are you here to be hypnotized?” a feminine voice purred.

I glanced up from my spot on the filthy sidewalk and there stood the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen. I quickly stubbed out my cigarette, turned my head away in embarrassment and blew my smoke out. Reason number three hundred and forty-six to quit... impersonating a low class loser.

She looked foreign—Slavic or Russian. Huge violet-blue eyes, full lips, high cheekbones set in a perfect heart-shaped face, framed by tons of honey-gold blonde hair. Absolutely ridiculous. I felt a little inadequate. Not only was the face perfect, but the body was to die for. Long legs, pert boobies, ass-o-rific back side and about six feet tall. I was tall at 5 feet 9 inches, but she was tall.

“Well, I was,” I explained, straightening up and trying to look less like a crumpled homeless mess from my seat on the sidewalk, “but they must have moved.” I pointed to a rusted-out doorway.

“Oh no,” the gorgeous Amazon giggled. Seriously, did she just giggle? “That’s not the door. It’s right over here.” She grabbed my hand, her grip was firm and cool, and guided me to the correct door. A zap of electricity shot up my arm when she touched me. I tried to nonchalantly disengage my hand from hers, but she held mine fast. “Here we go.” She escorted me into the lobby of a very attractive office.

“I don’t know how I missed this,” I muttered as she briskly led me to a very nice exam room. She released my hand. Did that zap really just happen? Maybe I was already in nicotine withdrawal.

“Please have a seat.” The blue eyed bombshell indicated a very soft and cozy looking pale green recliner.

“I’m sorry, are you the hypnotist?” I asked as I sat. Something didn’t feel quite right. What was a gorgeous, Amazon Russian-looking chick doing in Mossy Creek, Kentucky? This was a tiny town, surely I would have seen her before.

“Yes, yes I am,” she replied, sitting on a stool next to my comfy chair with an official-looking clipboard in her hand. “So you’re here because... ?”

“Because... um, I want to stop smoking,” I told her and then quickly added, “Oh, and I don’t want to gain any weight.” If you don’t ask for the impossible, there’s no way you’ll ever get it.

Miss Universe very slowly and somewhat clinically looked me over from head to toe. “Your weight looks perfect. You are a very beautiful young woman. Are you happy with your body right now?”

“Yes,” I replied slowly. Was she hitting on me? I didn’t think so, but...

“That’s good,” she smiled. “I can guarantee that you will never gain weight again after you’re hypnotized.”

“Really?” I gasped. My God, that was incredible. Smoke free and at a weight I liked. This was the best day ever.

“Really,” she laughed. “Now let’s get started.”

“Wait, don’t I need to fill out a bunch of forms and pay and sign my life away in case you accidentally kill me or something?”

Blondie laughed so hard I thought she might choke. “No, no,” she assured me and quickly pulled herself together. “My receptionist is at lunch... we’ll take care of it afterwards. Besides, I’ve never killed anyone by accident.”

“Oookay.” She was a little weird, but I supposed people with her occupation would be. She did guarantee me I would be smoke free and skinny. That did not suck. Wait... I needed to think this through. I was feeling unsettled and wary. She was odd, made me uncomfortable and had electric hands. On the flip side, she was very pretty, had a really nice office and promised no weight gain. Damn.

Would common sense or vanity prevail? And the winner is... vanity. By a landslide.

She leaned into me, her green eyes intense. I could have sworn her eyes were purple-y bluish. I was getting so tired. I prayed I wouldn’t drool when I was out.

“Astrid, you need to clear your mind and look into my eyes,” Miss Russia whispered.

“How do you know my name?” I mumbled. “I didn’t tell you my name.” Alarm bells went off in my brain. My pea-brain that never should have thought it was a good idea to get hypnotized at a strip mall on the bad side of town. You’d think a business called ‘House of Hypnotism’ might have tipped me off. Crap. These were not the decisions a smart and responsible, if not somewhat directionless, twenty-nine year old woman should make. I should have listened to my gut and gone with common sense.

The room started spinning. It felt like a carnival from hell. Blondie’s mouth was so strange. There was something very unattractive going on with her mouth. It got kind of blurry, but it looked like... wait... maybe she was British. They all have bad teeth.

“I fink ooo shud stooop,” I said, mangling the English language. I tried again. “Oow do ooo know my name?” When did I put marbles in my mouth? Who in the hell dimmed the lights and cranked the air conditioner?

“Oh Astrid, not only do I know your name,” she smiled, her green eyes blazing, “I know everything about you, dear.”

Chapter Three

I opened my eyes and immediately shut them. What in the hell time was it? What in the hell day was it? I snuggled deeper into my warm and cozy comforter and tried to go back to sleep. Why couldn’t I go back to sleep? Something was wrong... very wrong. I just had no idea what it was.

Ignoring the panic that was bubbling to the surface, I leaned over the side of my bed and grabbed my purse. It was Prada. I loved Prada. I proudly considered myself a Prada whore, albeit one who couldn’t afford it.

Everything seemed to be in there... wallet, phone, makeup, gum, under-used day planner. Nothing important was missing. I was being paranoid. Everything was fine.

I eyed my beloved out of season Prada sandals lying on my bedroom floor. Shoes always made me feel better. Only in New York or Los Angeles would anyone know my adored footwear was four seasons ago. Certainly not in Istillwearmyhairinamullet, Kentucky. I got them on sale. I paid six hundred dollars that I didn’t have for them, but that was a deal considering they were worth a solid twelve hundred.

I pressed my fingers to the bridge of my nose and tried to figure out what day of the week it was. Good God, I had no clue. I suppose exhaustion had finally caught up with me, but I couldn’t for the life of me remember what I had done to be so tired. I vaguely remembered driving home from somewhere. I glanced again at my awesome shoes, but even my beautiful sandals couldn’t erase the sense of dread in the pit of my stomach.

“Focus on something positive,” I muttered as I wracked my brain and snuggled deeper into my covers.

Shoes. Think about shoes... not the irrational suffocating fear that was making me itch. Bargains! That was it, I’d think about bargains. I loved getting a good bargain almost as much as I loved Prada. Unfortunately, I also had a huge love for cigarettes, and I needed to love one now. Right now. I rummaged through my purse and searched for a pack. Bingo! I found my own personal brand of heroin and lit up.

WTF? It wouldn’t light because I couldn’t inhale. Why couldn’t I inhale? Was I sick? I felt my head, definitely no fever. My forehead felt like ice.

Okay, if at first you don’t succeed... blah blah blah. I tried again. I couldn’t inhale. Not only could I not inhale, I also couldn’t exhale. Which would lead me to surmise I wasn’t breathing. The panic I was avoiding had arrived.

“Fuck shit fuck fuck, this is a side effect. That’s right, a side effect. A side effect of what?” I demanded to no one in particular since I was alone in my room. I knew it was something. It was on the tip of my brain... side effect... side effect of not smoking. Side effect of not smoking? What the hell does that even mean? For God’s sake, why can’t I figure this out? I have an I.Q. of 150, not that I put it to very good use.

“Wait,” I hissed. “It’s a side effect of the hypnotism.”

God, that was bizarre, but that had to be it. I made that stupid bet with Gemma and got hypnotized to stop smoking by that big blonde Amazon at the House of Hypnotism. That’s what I drove home from. I wasn’t crazy. The Amazon must have forgotten to inform me that I wouldn’t be able to breathe for awhile afterwards. That’s what you get when you don’t read the fine print. Did I even pay her? I’m sure I’ll start breathing any second now. I’m so glad I figured this out. I feel better. For a minute there I thought I was dead.

I glanced out of my bedroom window at the full moon.

“Full moon? Oh my God, have I been in bed all day?”

I threw the covers off and stood quickly, still trying to figure out what day it was. The room spun violently and a wave of dizziness knocked me right back down on my ass. Little snippets of my dreams raced through my mind as I waited for the vertigo to pass.

God, that was a freaky dream. Oprah and Vampyres and yummy, creamy chocolate blood... you couldn’t make that stuff up.

The room quit spinning and I stood up slowly, firmly grasping one of the posts of my beautiful four poster bed. I reached up high above my head, arched back and popped my sternum. Slightly gross, but it felt great. I ran my hands through my hair, rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and bit through my bottom lip. Mmm... crunchberries. I licked the tasty blood from my mouth.

I wondered what time it was. If it wasn’t too late, I could get a run in and then I could... bite through my bottom lip?? Crunchberries? What the fu... ?

In my frazzled mental state, I heard a noise in the hallway outside my bedroom. I immediately dropped to a defensive squat on the floor. Way back in high school they told us, if you hear an intruder, get low... or was that for a fire? Shit, that was get low for a fire... what in the hell do I do for a burglar?

Good God, I was in my bra and panties. The blue granny panties with the unfortunate hole in the crotch. Not a good look for fending off burglars. Not a good look ever. On my never ending list of things to do I needed to add throw out all panties over seven years old.

I remained low, just in case. I duck walked over to my closet and grabbed one of my many old cheerleading trophies out of a cardboard box so I could kill my intruder. It was plastic, but it was pointy. I’d been meaning to give them to my eight year old neighbor. Thank God I was a procrastinator. Wait a minute... As I death-gripped my trophy I was overwhelmed with the scent of rain and orchids and Pop Tarts and cotton candy.

What the hell?

It wasn’t a dream. She was here? And apparently from the smell of it, she had a guest. I’d just cannibalized my own lip, my blood tasted like crunchberries, I could smell people in my house, I couldn’t breathe, my skin felt icy, and I think I might be...

“Astrid, are you awake?” Gemma called from right outside my door interrupting my ridiculous train of thought.

Oh thank you, Jesus. “Yes.” Was that my voice? It sounded deeper and raspier. And sexier?

“Get out here,” Gemma yelled. “Get dressed and change that underwear... it’s nasty.”

“Gemma, I have to tell you something weird, but you have to believe me and you can’t get mad,” I said through my closed door, ignoring the insultingly accurate underwear comment.

“I think I already know,” she said from the other side.

“It’s not about my haircut.”

“You got your hair cut without me?” Gemma was appalled.

Shit, I thought she knew about my hair. What did she know then? Good God, what in the hell was wrong with my bra? The girls were spilling out of it. Were they bigger? Did my bra shrink? “Gem, um... I swear I meant to tell you about my hair. It was spur of the moment. Mr. Bruce dragged me into the salon and the next thing I knew, he set my baseball cap on fire, cut my hair into long layers and put in some kick ass highlights.”

“Fine, Astrid.” Her voice got tinny and high. “Just don’t be surprised if I go get a perm without you.”

“You wouldn’t.”

“I might,” she threatened.

“Gem,” I begged, “with me or without me, Do. Not. Get. A Perm. That’s so 1980s.”

“You’re right,” Gemma sighed, “I’d get a lobotomy before I’d get a perm. What do you need to tell me?”

I gathered myself. I realized I was about to sound like an idiot, but when had that ever stopped me? I closed my eyes and let her rip. “Um... after my haircut, I got hypnotized by a big blonde Amazon gal to stop smoking, and now I can’t breathe. I think it must be a side effect, but it’s freaking me out.” Gemma was silent on the other side of my bedroom door.

“You can’t breathe?”

“No.” I couldn’t tell if she believed me.

“Are you sure?”

“I think I would know if I couldn’t breathe,” I shouted.

“Do I owe you a thousand bucks?”

“I’m not sure yet.”

At least I was honest. The entire reason I’d gotten hypnotized was because I’d bet Gemma a thousand dollars I could quit smoking. I knew she thought it was a no-brainer bet due to the sorry fact that this was my ninth attempt to quit in the last three months. Nicotine gum, cold turkey, weaning off and all those self-help books weren’t doing it for me. I needed outside assistance. Short of having my lips sewn shut, I hadn’t been successful at quitting. Hypnotism was a last resort because having my lips sewn shut was simply not an option.

“Where did you get hypnotized?” she quizzed.

“House of Hypnotism over by the Chinese restaurant that serves cat.”

Gemma was speechless. I was getting more nervous with each passing second. “Do you have a pulse?” she asked.

“I’m sorry, what did you just ask me?”

“I said,” Gemma yelled through the door, “do you have a pulse?”

“What kind of a stupid question is that? Of course I have a... ” I checked for my pulse, then I checked again, then I checked again and then I checked one more time. “Um... no,” I whispered.

“You sure?”

“Positive.”

“What’s your skin temp?”

“Really cold,” I told her.

What in the hell was wrong with her? She was awfully calm about the whole thing. She was silent for what felt like an eternity. These questions were right up Gemma’s alley. She loved all things weird, especially anything astrological or supernatural. I could tell she was thinking because she was humming ‘Billie Jean’. Gemma, besides being a Prada whore who like me couldn’t afford it, knew the lyrics to every Michael Jackson song ever recorded. She wore black for an entire year after he died. “I think I know what’s going on.” She began to hum ‘Thriller’.

“What’s wrong with me?” I shrieked.

“Come out here, Astrid.”

“Wait Gemma... am I dead?”

“Kinda,” she said with excitement. The same kind of excitement she exuded when she tried to convince me of Bigfoot’s existence. “Just get dressed and get out here.”

I quickly whipped on some overpriced jeans that made my butt look asstastic and put on the first shirt my fingers touched. I pulled on some hot pink sequined Converse and made my way out to my living room. That took about ten and a half steps because my house was the size of a postage stamp.

Gemma was standing by the window bouncing like a ball, so excited she was about to burst... and the Queen of Daytime Talk was sprawled on my couch reading my diary. Wait... what?

“Holy Jesus,” I gasped. “You’re Opr... ”

“Don’t say it,” my idol cut me off, throwing my diary aside as if I wouldn’t notice she’d been reading my most private and embarrassing thoughts. “I’m not her, never fuckin’ have been, never fuckin’ will be. If you call me that, I’ll leave. Trust me, that would be very fuckin’ bad for you.”

“Oookay, you have quite a vocabulary.” I smiled, wondering if Gemma thought this was as screwy as I did. She did seem a little freaked, but not nearly enough to merit the fact Oprah was here. “If you’re not Opr... I mean that woman who you look exactly like, then you are... ?”

I peeked around my tiny living room and looked for cameras. This had to be for a show segment. Right? Gemma must be in on the whole thing with Oprah.

Was she going to redecorate my crappy house or give me a car or tell me something wonderful about my birth mother?

That was impossible. My birth mother was actually the woman who, for lack of a better word, raised me and there wasn’t much wonderful about her. My Nana, may she rest in peace, was wonderful. Her daughter, my mother... not so much. Hopefully, Oprah was here to redecorate.

“You’re a Vampyre and I’m your fuckin’ Guardian Angel,” I’m-Not-Oprah grunted.

Gemma squealed and clapped her hands like a two year old at Christmas. Apparently they’d become great friends already, possibly bonding over Bigfoot. The dizziness now combined with total paranoia overtook me as my knees buckled and I dropped to the ground like a sack of potatoes.

“Wow... so not what I was expecting to hear.” My stomach was queasy. This was starting to make me tingle, and not in a good way. I’m-Not-Oprah had to go. “Well, golly gee, look at the time. I suppose you have a train to catch... to Crazytown,” I informed her in a bizarre cheerleader voice that I had no control over. “So you’d better get going.” Vampyre my ass. I’m-Not-Oprah is cuckoo loco crazy. I crawled over to my front door and opened it with shaking hands and body, letting Oprah know she had to leave.

I’m-Not Oprah had the gall to laugh, and I don’t mean just a little giggle. I mean a huge gut-busting, knee-slapping guffaw. God, I need a cigarette. Oh but wait... I DON’T SMOKE ANYMORE BECAUSE I CAN’T BREATHE. I was completely screwed. There had to be a logical answer to this clusterfuck. I just needed to think it through.

Ignoring the unexplainable situation in my home, I curled into a ball by my front door and went back through what I could remember. First, I’d gotten my hair cut and colored because it looked like hell. Then I chain-smoked half a pack of cigarettes getting my nerve up to get hypnotized to quit. After almost vomiting from the sheer amount of nicotine in my system, I got hypnotized to stop smoking. Good thinking on my part. Next, the ridiculously attractive Amazon woman who hypnotized me was successful because I will never smoke again. Good thinking on her part.

However, it was also beginning to look like I would never breathe again. So technically I was dead. The lack of pulse and air intake could attest to this, but clearly I wasn’t dead because I was curled up on the floor thinking somewhat coherently and Oprah was in my house... What in the hell was I talking about? None of this was possible. I was dreaming. That had to be it. I was dreaming. I pinched myself. Hard.

“Ouch... shit.” Not dreaming.

I slowly stood up, determined to kick Her Oprahness out of my house. My whole body began to tremble as I locked eyes with the insane talk show host sitting on my couch. I couldn’t believe I was standing here looking at Oprah, who says she’s not, who’s telling me I’m a Vampyre, which don’t exist, and she’s a Guardian Angel, which again... don’t exist. Besides, if they did, they certainly wouldn’t have a mouth like hers.

“Oh my God,” I moaned as another bizarre wave of dizziness came over me. The room grew darker and smaller. I’m-Not-Oprah and Gemma started to get blurry and a burning began in my gut. Flames ripped through my stomach and violently shot into my arms, my legs, my neck and head. My insides were shredding. I was thirsty... so very thirsty. God, it hurt so much. I floated above myself as my body crumpled to the floor. The buzzing in my head was deafening. I tried to take a deep breath, but that went nowhere fast.

“I’m dying,” I groaned.

Crapballs, did I have good underwear on? No! I still had on light blue grannies with a not on purpose hole in the crotch. Oh my God, I’m dying with bad underpants on. My mother will have a fit. I can hear her now, “Well, with underpants like that, it’s no wonder Astrid couldn’t get a man. She kept buying all that Prada, but she should have invested in a couple of pairs of decent panties.” This was not good.

The blazing inferno inside me consumed my whole body. It was excruciating. I wasn’t sure how much more I could take. I vaguely saw Oprah coming for me.

“Kill me please,” I begged. She laughed and scooped me up like a rag doll and shoved my face to her neck. God, she smelled good. “Argrah,” I gurgled.

“Just shut the fuck up and drink,” I’m-Not-Oprah growled.

It was delicious, like rich dark chocolate, so smooth, so warm, so yummy. What was this? The pain slowly subsided and I realized I was curled up in I’m-Not-Oprah’s lap with my teeth embedded in her neck. She was rocking me like a baby.

I removed what I’m fairly sure were my fangs from Oprah’s neck. “What am I doing?” I calmly asked.

She looked down at me and smiled. Holy cow she looked like Oprah. “Drinking.”

“Drinking what?” I inquired politely.

“O negative,” she replied.

“O negative what?” I screeched, jerking to an upright position on her very ample lap.

“O negative Angel blood, dumbass,” she bellowed. She stood up and dumped me on the floor as she walked over to retrieve my diary.

“Oh my God, you’re not joking.” I was horrified.

“No, I certifuckingly am not.”

Chapter Four

Gemma and I’m-Not-Oprah sat on either side of me on the floor. Gemma held my hand and Oprah just stared.

“Soooo, Gemma, I suppose you’ve met Opr... I mean, well you know, I mean... ” I was dying here. “What I’m trying to say is, you’ve met... dear God, help me out.”

“Pam,” they said in unison.

“Pam? Your name is Pam?”

“What’s wrong with Pam?” Oprah, aka Pam, asked, her eyes narrowing dangerously.

“Nothing,” I shot back quickly. That eyeball thing did not look good. “It’s just I never expected an Angel to be named Pam.”

“What the hell kind of name were you expecting... Tinkerbell?”

“Well, no,” I replied. “She’s a Fairy. Maybe something like Luna or Sky.”

“Holy shit, would you like to be named something like that?” Pam yelled.

I shook my head. God, she was loud.

“You know what I like about you?” she continued.

“No.” I feared her answer the same way I feared the IRS, credit card bills and Bryant Gumbel.

“I like that you have the word ‘ass’ in your name. It opens up so many possibilities.”

“That’s fantastic. Why are you here again?” I snapped

“I am here,” Pam spoke very slowly, as if I were mentally challenged, “to guide your sorry blood suckin’, Prada wearin’ ass, through the ups and downs of the Vampyre world.”

“Well, Mary Sunshine, there’s no such thing as Vampyres and... ” I started.

“Pam,” she interrupted.

“Oookay, Pam. I will repeat my earlier sentiment. I’m not a Vampyre, so tell me whatever it is you think you need to tell me and you can go back to Pretend Angel Land.”

“Ooooh noooo, Asshead. It don’t work like that. I’m here to stay.” Pam slapped her knee and hooted like a redneck watching a smack down on WWE.

“Astrid, it’s actually really cool,” Gemma, my very not dead human friend, tried to convince me over Pam’s ruckus. “Pam’s been telling me there’s this whole Vamp hierarchy thing. Dominions, Havens and... and... ”

“Congregants,” Pam supplied, calming herself down.

“Right, Congregants and Houses.” Gemma kept going. “There’s a King, and Warrior Princes, and Princesses.”

“Back. Up.” I practically spit. “There’s a Vampyre King?” I laughed, not believing a word.

“I would suggest you get that out of your system right now, Assface,” my Guardian Angel said. “Cause pretty soon a bunch of Vamps are gonna come ’round, and laughing at your King is punishable by death.”

“You’re joking,” I said with a huge grin on my face. I looked at Pam. I looked at Gemma. Pam. Gemma. Pam. Gemma. Nobody was smiling... except me. “You’re not joking.”

I was no longer smiling. Were they serious or certifiable? Maybe I was crazy. It was difficult to deny that I just drank blood from Oprah’s, I mean, Pam’s neck. And I liked it. Maybe Bigfoot did exist.

Gemma grabbed my hands and forced my focus to her, “Astrid, it’s not that bad. A slew of Vampyre girls are going to start arriving soon with gift baskets and invites to parties so you can join their Houses!”

The word gift basket calmed my impending breakdown. “What do you mean, like sorority rush for dead people?” I put my finger in my mouth and felt around for my fangs. I considered this for a moment. Gemma knew I loved free stuff. I was kind of a free sample whore. It was clear from the smug look on her face that she thought she had me at gift basket. She couldn’t have been more wrong.

“I don’t want to be a Vampyre,” I yelled, realizing that maybe they weren’t yanking my chain. “I want to chain-smoke an entire pack of Marlboro Lights and throw up! I do not want to join some Kappa Alpha Dead House and become BFFs with bloodsucking freaks that smell like the old lady bathroom at the country club.” I was on a roll. “That’s right... skanky, Gothy Draculas with blood breath, weird bun heads and super long fingernails that curl over at the edges because they should have been trimmed three years ago. And there’s no such thing as Vampyres!”

You could have cut the silence with a knife. Gemma looked dazed and Pam... well, Pam just looked confused. Gemma finally roused herself from the visual stupor that my tirade induced. “Dude, that was gross.”

“I’m not really following the country club part,” Pam stated.

“Don’t try,” Gemma told her. “I’m getting a Diet Coke, you want anything?”

“Mountain Dew or Budweiser,” Pam said.

“I’m on it.” Gemma left the room.

“What about me?” I whined. “Don’t I get to have anything?”

“You already got to have Pam,” Gemma tossed back from my kitchen, laughing like she made a good one.

I sat down on the couch and pouted. What had I done to deserve this? Of course nobody but me would do something to get healthy and end up kind of dead.

“Oh for shit’s sake, you’re not going to look like some skanky, Goth wannabe bloodsucker. What did the Vamp who changed you look like?” Pam projected as if she were speaking to a crowd of three hundred without a microphone.

The sheer volume of her question rendered me speechless for a moment.

“She looked like a Russian supermodel. Wait!” I shouted at Pam. “Do I look different to you?”

“How the hell should I know? I just met you, dumbass,” she replied.

“Right. Gemma?” I yelled.

“Behind you,” Gemma said, startling me. She handed Pam her beer. Angels drink beer?

“Gem, do I look different to you?” I asked.

“Well, you were being such a baby that I wasn’t going to tell you, but... You. Are. So. Hot,” she screeched. “If I didn’t like dangly parts so much, I’d consider switching teams!”

I ran to my bathroom. Holy crap, I was fast. I looked in the mirror and I saw... nothing. Wait a minute... where in the hell was I? Gemma slipped into the bathroom behind me. She showed up in the mirror, but I was M.I.A.

“Dude,” Gemma gasped, “you have no reflection.”

We stood in silence absorbing this news. I tried several different angles in case there was a trick to it, but no go. It was strange... my clothes were invisible, too. Anything I touched ceased to have a reflection.

“Okay, fine,” Gemma said, rubbing my back, “maybe this is the price you have to pay for being so drop dead gorgeous. Oh hell, I didn’t mean the dead part... I just meant... ”

“It’s okay,” I said morosely. “Apparently, I am dead.” My eyes filled with tears. I pressed my fingers to the bridge of my nose, trying to ward off the panic attack that was hurtling towards earth at frightening speeds. I was headed for a massive freakout.

Gemma grabbed me. “Let me describe you,” she said soothingly.

“Okay,” I blubbered, wiping my tears. “Oh my God, my eyes are bleeding!” I shouted.

“Shut the hell up,” Pam yelled from down the hall. “All Vamps cry blood, cum blood, drink blood. Blood, blood, blood... it’s all about blood with you dead people.”

“That’s disgusting,” I said. I looked at Gemma, my eyes wide, “I wonder if I have any other bodily functions?”

“What do you mean?”

“You know, like do I still need to buy toilet paper and tampons?” I answered.

“NOPE,” Pam yelled from way down the hall.

“Wow, she’s got really good hearing,” Gemma grinned. “Do you want to know what you look like?”

“Um... yes.”

She stared at me for about a minute and tilted her head to the side. It was a very long minute. She was making me nervous.

“You’re beautiful,” she said simply. “I mean, you were beautiful before, but it got kicked up a bunch of notches. You’re the kind of gorgeous where it’s hard to stop looking at you. Your skin,” she touched my face, “is paler, but it’s perfect. It glows... it’s ethereal. Your hair is a darker, richer brown and really shiny. Your lips,” she examined my face, “have that I’ve-just-been-majorly-kissed swollen look. You still have that beauty mark high on your left cheekbone. Your eyes are that really cool amber gold color, but they sparkle now. And if I’m not mistaken, your eyelashes are longer, like they weren’t long enough already.”

I knew I was being vain, but I glanced toward the mirror again wondering if I just had to warm up or something... Nothing. Shit.

She circled me. “I gotta say, your body’s jammin’. Rock hard abs. Legs are still long. Your boobs are definitely bigger and your butt’s higher. Overall you’re beyond hot.” She smiled and squeezed my hands. “What do you feel like?”

Well, that explained my girls trying to escape from my bra. “I feel really strong and fast,” I said. “I can hear really well and I can smell things.”

“Do I smell?” Gemma did a quick pit check.

“You smell good, like rain and orchids.”

“Ooooh, cool.” She was delighted. “What does Pam smell like?”

“Pop Tarts and cotton candy. Gem,” I paused, “do I have an aura anymore?” One of Gemma’s hobbies was reading auras. She could read people before they opened their mouths. She had a gift for it.

“No.”

“Is that okay?” I whispered.

“I think so.” She hugged me. She felt warm and comfortable.

“Does Pam have one?” I asked.

“Yeah,” Gemma answered reverently, “it’s a pearly white with shots of purple and pink in it. It’s the most beautiful aura I’ve ever seen. It’s truly angelic.”

“Do you mean to tell me that foul mouthed Oprah doppelganger really is my Guardian Angel?”

“Yep,” Gemma giggled.

“Somebody up there must really hate me,” I moaned.

“Yep.”

Chapter Five

It was my first full day of being dead and it sucked.

I wavered between total freakout and dead calm mode... it just depended on the minute. Right now I was calm. I dutifully sat on the couch, pen and notebook in hand. I was wearing my favorite worn-in red tag Levis, a totally cool vintage Tony the Tiger T-shirt and some killer Prada flats. Being dead had a few advantages. I filled out my jeans and my T-shirts like a Playboy centerfold. The girls were amazing. I was a full C cup and they stood at attention even without a bra, which was a good thing considering none of my bras fit anymore. Of course I was also dead, couldn’t breathe and had no idea if my hair was alright because I had no fucking reflection. On the flip side, my vision and hearing had also sharpened to the point I felt bionic. Not to mention my sense of smell. I’d almost passed out when I walked by my garbage can earlier. Why in the hell could I smell things if I couldn’t breathe?

Sitting here with Pam felt a little like high school, getting lectured and taking notes, but this was different. This was a class I had no desire to take.

“What did I just say, Asswipe?” Pam asked me.

“Um... something about how to bite mortals to drink their blood.”

“Go on,” Pam replied, putting several Piggly Wiggly grocery bags on the coffee table in front of her.

“Well, after that I’m not sure ‘cause I got so gacked I tuned you out.”

“Oh for fuck’s sake, you’re gonna end up killing somebody,” Pam said, slapping her big meaty Oprah hand to her forehead.

“No, I won’t,” I told her. “I’ll just keep drinking from you.”

“You can’t,” she yelled. She really had volume issues. “You have to drink from mortals. If you only drink from immortals, like me, you’ll get too strong too fast and you’ll be a danger to yourself and everyone else.”

Pam, being the cruel, hateful, thoughtless Angel that she was, reached into the Piggly Wiggly bag and pulled out my favorite snack in the whole world. She dug into the bag of tortilla chips and double dipped into the extra hot salsa with gusto. This was evil, considering food now tasted like sawdust to me and I couldn’t swallow it anyway. The only thing I could consume was blood. Apparently as I got older I would be able to ingest other liquids. According to my Vampyre Manual, fine bourbon laced with blood is quite the in thing for Vamps of a certain age. I watched Pam crunch and secretly hoped she’d choke, not that it would kill her. She was an Angel—an immortal, gonna live forever Angel with a foul mouth and an attitude problem.

“Shouldn’t another Vampyre be teaching me this crap?” I snarkily asked.

“Well, considering you don’t know any other bloodsucking losers, and we can’t find the idiot who thought changing you was a good idea, you’re shit out of luck,” she replied, spitting teeny tiny pieces of tortilla chips the entire time she spoke.

Speaking of the idiot who changed me, we’d already gone looking for her. For the twentieth time Pam made me go through everything that took place between me and the big blonde Amazon.

Exactly two day ago, I sat on the dirty sidewalk bemoaning my lack of willpower and wondering if I was on crack thinking it was a good idea to get hypnotized to stop smoking. It only got worse from there. The big blonde Amazon took me into her office and killed me. The End.

And then apparently I drove home and slept for thirty-six hours straight.

Pam kept digging for more details, but I had none. That’s when she insisted we visit the murder scene, hoping to jog my pathetic-ass memory. Her words, not mine. The ride over and back to the strip mall had certainly been a fun-filled hour and a half.

Gemma, Pam and I went after sundown. Pam wasn’t quite sure how I would do in sunlight. To no one’s great surprise the door wasn’t there. There was no evidence whatsoever. This confused me and made me nervous. Something wasn’t right. Pam wanted some Chinese takeout, but we forbade her. She was a sloppy eater.

The real highlight of the car trip though was Pam’s backseat driving. After having threatened to pull over and put her out of the car eight times, I’d finally had it. I pulled over and turned around, ready to punch her in her big ol’ Oprah mouth and she disappeared. That’s right, she started glowing and just disappeared.

“Jesus Christ,” I said, freaking out. “Where in the hell did she go?”

“No clue,” Gemma said, looking under her seat.

“Do you think she bailed and went back to Heaven?”

“No,” Gemma replied thoughtfully. “I think she’s actually having fun down here.”

Turns out, Pam had teleported back to my house. She said I drove like a blind person on crack and she couldn’t take it. She napped for about four hours after that. Just so happens, teleporting really wears a gal out. All in all... just another weird day in my brand new weird fucked up life.

“All right, back to work,” Pam said with a mouthful of chips. “Tell me the history, or whatever your sorry ass can remember.”

“Give me a little credit here,” I snapped as I wracked my brain, desperately trying to remember the bizarro History of the Vampyre. Shit. “There are, um, ten Dominions,” I began, “each run by a Warrior Prince or Warrior Princess.”

“What else?” Pam asked.

“Ease up,” I told her. “The Dominions are territories. Basically they divided up the whole world into ten sections and the King gave a section to each of his ten children. Wait, I thought he had eleven children.”

“He did—one died.”

“Oh, okay,” I said wearily, praying this would be over soon.

“Name the Dominions,” Pam said.

I stretched my arms up over my head, yawned and brought them back down about face level. I began to massage my hands, left palm facing me. “Okay,” I said, “let me see... there’s North America, South America, Africa, Australia, Antarctica, Europe, and Asia is divided into four Dominions since it’s so large and diverse.”

“Give me your hand,” Pam said.

“No.”

“Give. Me. Your. Hand.”

I gave her my hand and she slapped me upside the head. I was busted. Thank God I was a Vampyre or else she would have given me a concussion instead of just a headache.

“You’re cheating!” she shouted.

“I can’t remember all this junk,” I said shamefully and looked down at my palm where I’d written all the answers to the questions I knew she’d ask.

“Damn it to hell,” Pam bellowed. “This is not high school. This information could mean the difference between life and death for you.”

“I’m already dead,” I snapped.

“Yeah, but you could be deader—like for real dead. How would you like that, little missy?” Pam demanded.

“Not much,” I admitted morosely.

“Did you even read the manual? Do you have any idea what can kill you?”

“I think so,” I whispered. I started to ease my way out of the room. I knew Pam was coming for me again, and she had a mean right hook.

“Don’t,” Pam said quietly. A quiet Pam was a scary Pam.

I flopped down on the couch, ready to get ripped a good one. I was an A student in high school and college. For some reason, I couldn’t absorb this stuff. Maybe it’s not that I couldn’t, it’s that I wouldn’t. I didn’t want to be a Vampyre. Vampyres were freaks of nature. Vampyres didn’t even exist. I did not want an expletive-spewing Angel to be my main food source.

I wanted to eat chips and salsa and smoke and see my reflection. I wanted to go out in broad daylight and not have to wear a shitload of sunscreen, long sleeves, long pants, a hat and huge sunglasses. I wanted to have kids someday, but that was no longer an option, what with no functioning internal organs.

I did not want to have to worry about being staked through the heart with silver or being decapitated. Let’s not forget about burning to death... wouldn’t want to leave that little nugget out. Those are the three real ways to kill a Vampyre. What about holy water, crosses, sunlight, and garlic? All bullshit... they’d just make a Vampyre laugh or piss them off. All Hollywood fairytales, although there was some truth to the sunlight myth. While it wouldn’t kill a Vamp, it could burn their skin quite badly. Who wants to look like a bloody piece of meat even for a short while?

I never really needed or wanted to know where every major artery in a human was so I wouldn’t nick it with my razor sharp fangs, inadvertently killing same said human.

Mostly I really did not want my mother to find out. I was sure in her mind this would definitely be an insurmountable hurdle to my having a big career like hers. Like that was ever going to happen. I didn’t want a big career like hers. I had absolutely no idea what I really wanted other than good friends, great sex and some Prada that was in season. At almost thirty, I worked as an art teacher at the senior citizens’ center and had just received a crazy large inheritance from my Nana. I would have preferred to have my Nana instead of her money, but that wasn’t the way the world worked.

Ask anybody who knew me... I was a good person. I was fun, but not extremely motivated unless it involved high fashion, art, or my friends. I’d recently heard my neighbor describe me as very smart, tall, single, financially irresponsible, quite pretty, boyfriend-less and kind. Great. I knew people in town were taking bets on how long it would take me to run through my inheritance money. Hell, they probably had good cause considering the amount I dropped on new clothes recently. The thing I was best at was shopping, but no one was lining up to pay me to do that... Holy shit, I was totally depressing myself.

“What would your Nana say?” Pam asked.

That stopped me. My eyes flashed and I could feel my fangs descend. “How dare you bring my Nana into this.”

She had no right to... My body jerked and I had a strange deja vu. I looked at Pam for a very long moment. I stared into her Angel eyes, searching for something... that I found. My body relaxed and I started to feel lightheaded as I moved towards her. My fangs receded. I felt calm and centered.

“She’d say ‘Buck up, Princess, it could be worse’,” I told her quietly. I paused, my eyes never leaving Pam’s for a second. “She sent you to me.”

Pam said nothing. She just smiled. I reached for her and gently took her face in my hands. I touched my forehead to hers and let my bloody tears flow freely.

“Did she want you to tell me anything?” I asked hopefully.

“She loves you and she always will.” Pam caught me as I collapsed and she rocked me like a baby until I cried myself out.

“I still don’t want to be a Vampyre, but I can learn now,” I whispered.

“I know you can, honey,” she said. “I know you can.”

Chapter Six

She was going to die if I didn’t help her. The voice inside the tomb was not weak or sickly. It was strong and melodic and very insistent.

“Astrid, you have to help me,” she begged.

“How do you know my name?” I asked, thrown by the familiarity.

“Because you are part of me,” she replied. “Push the stone, Astrid. Help me, please. You’re the only one.”

“Why does it have to be me? I’m not strong enough,” I insisted. Then I started to cry. I should get help. Big men or the police or a crowbar.

“You are strong enough,” she said simply. “There’s not much time left.”

In that moment I knew she was right. I was strong enough. She was going to die if I didn’t get her out. Now.

I walked slowly toward the tomb, my hands outstretched. I could feel the tingling in my fingertips. It quickly spread down my arms, through my chest and into my legs. My heart was pounding inside me, my stomach felt twisted and it was hard to breathe. The wind picked up and blew my hair wildly around my head. I was inches away.

“Push, Astrid,” she gasped.

I awoke with a jerk. God, that dream seemed more real every time I had it, and I’d been having it since I was four years old. As I snuggled down deeper under my covers and tried to go back to sleep, I noticed movement on my ceiling. What the fu... ? This Vamp vision was insane. The tiny cracks in my ceiling looked like faces, little mini faces with little teeny hands. Some looked angry, some sad, but most of them were laughing and pointing at me. I looked around my room to see if anyone else was here. Nope. I was definitely the object of their ridicule.

“What in the hell are you guys?” I stared harder and they started to morph into hideous itsy-bitsy monsters. They were fabulously gross, kind of like the Edvard Munch painting, The Scream. They were undulating and mocking me. Well, no surprise there... I was still in bed at 6:30 PM.

Sleeping during the day seemed to be working for me. I felt a little bit like a lazy sloth, but I had more energy and felt stronger at night. More importantly than adjusting to my new schedule, I had successfully avoided my mother for a week. She thought I had the flu and pink eye. She hated sick people, so there was very little chance of a surprise visit.

Truth be told, I was scared to be around my mother, or any mortals, except for Gemma. I was terrified I was going to kill someone by accident and that would suck, although Pam said as long as I fed regularly, I’d never have to kill anybody. Ever. The first hunger was the worst and no others would even compare. Thank God.

I guess I had always imagined Vampyres to be bloodsucking killers. It turns out we’re only bloodsuckers. The killing is optional. So naturally I still hadn’t fed from a mortal yet. I’d been feeding from Pam, but that was going to change. Too much Angel blood was going to make me a Super Vamp, and according to Pam, that was fucked up.

Along with being my main food source, Pam was trying to help me get the Green Eye thing down, also known as ‘trancing’. I preferred just Green Eye. If I looked at a human, focused my power and willed my eyes to go green, I could get inside their head and make suggestions. For example, “Hi, I’m going to bite your neck, drink about a pint of your blood... you’ll really enjoy it. You won’t remember a thing and you should never wear orange again. It makes your skin look like hell, bless your heart.”

“Look at me,” I said to the little undulating things on my ceiling. They halted their gyrating and stared at me. I willed my eyes to go green and tried to communicate with them. Nothing. Clearly I’d lost my mind when I died. “So much for you guys being human,” I muttered, rolling out of bed.

There are certain things that make your eyes go green automatically. Being extremely hungry, angry, excited or horny turns you green real quick. I tried to Green Eye Gemma a couple of times, but we both laughed so hard I gave up. Gemma graciously offered to let me feed from her, but I wanted to be sure I definitively knew all the human artery information before I bit into my best friend’s wrist.

That was how most Vampyres fed. At the wrist. The neck was too sexual. However with Pam, it wasn’t sexual at all. Embarrassingly enough, it felt kind of like nursing with her. She held me like a baby. I bit her neck and felt love and comfort. I supposed you should just get it where you could find it.

Vamps could drink from each other, but that was a commitment most were not willing to make. If two Vampyres drank from one another, they were mated for life. Physically, mentally, emotionally, and sexually committed to each other for eternity. They must continue to drink from each other regularly.

To me that sounded like hell. I had commitment issues. It wasn’t that I was a slut, but I couldn’t imagine having sex with the same person for a thousand years or more. Not that I’d had a ton of sex with a ton of people, nor did I plan to. However, the flip side suggests that the blood exchange between Vampyres creates the most mind blowing, intensely orgasmic sex imaginable. That gave me pause, but not enough to be stuck with the same person forever.

“You guys are gross,” I told the dirty dancing tiny monsters on my ceiling. I was amazed they were still there. I thought they were an optical illusion. They were so ugly they were cute, but the dirty dancing... that was not something I needed to see first thing in the morn... no, evening... wait... well, ever.

* * *

What in the hell was Pam doing? On my couch sat two of the most bizarre-looking Vampyres. I was pretty sure they were Vampyres. Wait... fangs. They were definitely Vamps. Pam was running around the room making gagging noises and huge raspberries. Which, by the way, sounded so much like the real thing, I had to check to make sure she was using her mouth.

Vampyre number one, who I dubbed Muffy, was dressed from head to toe in hot pink and lime green madras, a la bad country club circa 1980. Vamp number two looked like her name should be... Elvira. She had black hair, black fingernails, black lipstick, black eyes, black clothes... blah blah blah. She looked as Goth as they come, and seriously depressed. They both had their eyes trained on me and only me. That was when I realized they couldn’t see Pam. This was confirmed when my three hundred pound Guardian Angel sat on top of Muffy, and Muffy didn’t move or utter a sound.

Not only could I see Pam, but I could touch her and hold her and drink blood from her. God, this was strange.

Muffy, the prepster, plastered a huge pageant smile on her face and squeaked, “Hi! I’m Muffy from the Aurora House.” Oh my God, I got her name right? “You must be Astrid!”

It was all I could do not to slap my hands over my ears. Pam had no such qualms. As Muffy spoke, her voice got higher and higher. I was sure she was sending signals to all the stray dogs in the surrounding counties. I kind of wanted her out of my house, but she had a really big gift basket. “Did you two just break into my house?” In all the movies Vampyres had to be invited in.

“Oh no,” she squeaked, “the door was wide open and there was a note that said ‘Welcome’. I suppose I should have called first,” she shrieked. “I didn’t realize you were having Paris Hilton over.”

Confused, I looked over at the tiny, skinny, overly made-up Goth girl sitting on my sofa and said, “I’m sorry, your name is... ?”

“Paris Hilton,” the tiny Goth girl whispered in a childlike voice.

“Holy fuck! This is awesome,” Pam screamed, throwing her big ol’ Oprah hands in the air and falling off the couch in hysterics. I so didn’t need her here right now. She’d clearly been the one to leave the note and my door open. We were going to have a little chat later. Even though they couldn’t see or hear her, I could, and she was this close to making me laugh ‘til I peed. She could barely control herself. If she wasn’t immortal, I’d be concerned she was having a heart attack.

“Oookay,” I gasped, trying to hold myself together. “Purely out of curiosity, is that the name you were born with?”

“Yes,” Paris said, “and there is no relation... unfortunately. I’m from the Lucern House,” she continued, completely ignoring the fact that Muffy was starting to hiss at her in bizarre little high-pitched squeaks that were making me grind my teeth. “We would love to have you join us, Astrid. Pledge The Dead!” Paris whispered as loud as she could and pumped both super skinny fists in the air.

I sat down and bit the inside of my cheek really hard, trying not to dissolve into hysterics. Pam, that traitor, was still rolling all over the floor, barely able to breathe after Paris’ last outburst.

Not to be outdone Muffy shrieked, “Join the Aurora House and have a bloody good time!” She rolled her hands like a cheerleader, threw them up in the air and screamed in decibels not meant for the human ear, “Pun intended!”

Muffy was jumping up and down like a Mexican jumping bean. Paris was pumping her skinny arms and shaking her head like she was having an epileptic fit. And Pam... well, Pam was useless.

Did I have to join a House? Why couldn’t I just be an independent? There was no way in hell I belonged with either of these people. Were these my only two choices? Shit, shit, shit.

Just as I was about to ask everyone to leave so I could “think about it”, hoping they’d leave those big juicy gift baskets, Paris accidentally punched Muffy in the head and all hell broke loose. Fangs descended and furniture got kicked out of the way. Muffy hissed like a wild animal in heat, picked up Paris Hilton and threw her out of my window. What the fu... ? Glass flew everywhere. I screamed and hid under the couch that had gotten shoved up against my TV.

I heard a grotesque grunt, and a very bloody, teeny tiny Gothy Paris Hilton came flying back through my shredded window... the same window from which she had just been ejected. How in the hell did she do that? Paris expertly took Muffy down in a chokehold. She slammed Muffy’s head into the floor so hard so many times that I knew for sure Muffy was for real dead. The sound of skull making contact with hard wood was just wrong on every level. Muffy was a goner.

But no, how wrong I was...

Bloody Muffy let loose a scream so high pitched that the glass on my TV shattered. She grabbed Paris Hilton’s teeny tiny titties and twisted for all she was worth. Paris Hilton screamed and head-butted Muffy.

These Vampyres were crazy and they were destroying my house. My house. My cute little postage stamp house that was almost paid off. It wasn’t much, but it was mine and this was not working for me. That preppy-assed screaming Muffy busted my window and my TV, and Paris Hilton had just dismantled my coffee table with a karate chop and was beating Muffy over the head with it. I wasn’t sure how much more Muffy’s head could take. This shit had to stop.

“Enough!” I shouted at the top of my lungs as my fangs descended.

“Get up,” I said through clenched teeth, “and get the hell out of my house.”

Both Paris Hilton and Muffy got to their feet slowly, looking around at my destroyed living room with shame.

“I am so sorry... ” Muffy squeaked.

“Shut up,” I growled, my eyes flashing. She did.

“Our Houses will pay for the damage,” Paris Hilton informed me as if this were a regular occurrence.

“Damn right they will,” I said. “Both of you need to leave and never ever come back.”

They went to retrieve their gift baskets.

“Oh no, you don’t,” I snapped. “After that little display, those baskets are mine.”

“Of course,” Paris Hilton said in her baby voice. “Well, if you change your mind, here’s my card.”

Muffy quickly pulled out her own card and tried to hand it to me. My glare stopped both of them in their tracks. If I’d learned anything from my mother, it was how to scare the hell out of someone with a glance. It worked.

“If you don’t put those cards back in your pockets,” I calmly informed them, “I will shove them so far up your asses you will have to pull them out of your mouth. Do you understand me?”

They put their cards back and exited quickly. Where in the hell had Pam gone? Why couldn’t they see her? This Vampyre thing was appealing less and less to me and I was fairly sure there was no way out. Furthermore, their gift baskets sucked. Muffy’s was loaded with day-glow colored madras clothing, Topsiders, Lacoste and a Minnie Ripperton CD.

Paris Hilton’s was loaded with black crap that was barely in style during the 1980s, although there was a pair of Converse black high tops. Paris Hilton - 1, Muffy - 0.

I walked out to make sure that Muffy and Paris were gone, and there on my porch swing sat one of the prettiest Vampyres I’d seen yet. Her skin was as black as night. She had high cheek bones, full lips and sparkling black eyes. Her hair was wild and curly. Her body was long and lean. She was stunning.

“Who are you?” I asked suspiciously. I didn’t have time for anymore crazy.

“Your new best friend,” she laughed. Her laugh sounded like bells. She stood up with the predatory grace of a panther, and walked over to me. Now that was what I was talking about. This girl was what I expected a Vampyre to look like.

“I’m Venus... I’m from the Cressida House. We are Vampyre defense specialists. We’re also Prada whores,” she smiled and winked. “We would love for you to join us, Astrid.”

Venus handed me the new Prada hobo bag filled with really good sunscreen, a totally rockin’ pair of Prada platforms in my size, Chanel sunglasses, a couple of bags of O negative for emergencies and a brand new iPhone. If I could still breathe I would have been hyperventilating. I hesitated for a moment, realizing how materialistic I must seem, but quickly dismissed it. I mean, Oh. My. God. The new hobo! It wasn’t even on sale to the general public yet.

“Hell yes,” I said, grabbing my new Vampyre buddy and planting a big wet one on her cheek. Things were looking up. Gemma would freak when she saw the bag.

“Why don’t you come back to the Cressida House with me for the rest of the night and tomorrow? We’ve got a lot to cover. Don’t worry about your living room. The Lucern and Aurora Houses will repair the damage Muffy and Paris caused.” She chuckled and held out her hand. I grabbed it and looked around for Pam. She stood in the doorway watching me.

I turned to Venus. “I just need to tell my... um... roommate where I’m going.”

“Do you need to go in and find her?” she asked.

“No, I... ” I whipped back around. Had Pam left? No, she was still there.

My Guardian Angel smiled her approval and nodded her head. None of them could see her. Why couldn’t other Vampyres see her? I turned back to Venus who was waiting for my answer.

“No, she’ll be cool,” I said, following Venus down my driveway to her car.

I glanced back one last time at Pam, who had turned around, bent over, whipped her pants down and mooned me. I laughed and shook my head in wonder and disgust.

“What?” Venus asked.

“Oh, nothing,” I said, “life’s just changing really fast.”

My new pretty Vampyre buddy considered me for a moment, smiled, and squeezed my hand. “It’s all good my friend. It’s all good.”

Chapter Seven

Holy hell, this was not what I expected. The Cressida House, which happened to be the most beautiful mansion I’d ever seen, was huge and overwhelming. I pressed my arms to my sides, afraid to touch anything. Everything in the place looked priceless.

“So this is it,” Venus grinned. “What do you think?”

“Um... wow,” I mumbled.

Venus laughed and led me through the foyer that was at least ten times the size of my house.

The home was grand yet tasteful. Dark, heavy woods gave it a masculine feel, but the huge crystal chandeliers and exquisite floral arrangements in stunning etched glass bowls kept it from being too manly. The grand staircase in the foyer would have been breathtaking, if I’d had any breath to take. All the rugs were Persian and I’m sure cost more than my college education. The curtains were thick and brocade and fell like water from windows that had to be at least fifteen feet high.

Of course, this was nothing compared to all the real Picassos, Rembrandts, Degas, Monets and all the other original paintings that covered the walls. I felt like someone had made a mistake inviting me to belong to such a beautiful place. I stayed close to Venus. My new Vampyre senses made me very aware we were not alone.

“The estate also houses a gym, a fight training center, movie theaters, a bowling alley and all sorts of other cool things,” Venus explained as we made our way toward some very large and intricately carved doors. I considered turning around and making a run for it, but Venus took my arm and guided me on. “The property is approximately one hundred acres and we have stables where some very famous race horses are maintained.”

These Vamps were loaded. Apparently, living for centuries paid off.

“The third and fourth floors of the main house have bedroom suites for those of us who live on the compound like me,” she continued. “The entire fifth floor is exclusively for the use of our Warrior Prince of the North American Dominion. He loves Kentucky and spends a good deal of time here,” Venus said proudly. “Come on, you ready to meet everyone?”

“No,” I whispered.

“Don’t be silly,” she said as she opened the huge doors. “They’ll love you.”

I gasped as she revealed a massive ballroom filled with the most gorgeous dead people I’d ever seen in my life.

“Hello, my brothers and sisters,” Venus announced grandly. “This is Astrid. She will be joining our House.

All conversation stopped and every eye in the ballroom turned to me expectantly. I wanted to die. Whoops, already dead. “Um... hi. Nice to meet everyone. I... you know... died a couple of days ago and I... um, think you have a really nice house and... ”

“Why don’t I introduce you around?” Venus thankfully cut off my mortifying intro and proceeded to walk me around the room.

I spent the entire evening in the grand ballroom meeting more Vampyres than I ever knew existed. Both male and female Vampyres belonged to the House. Some of them lived there, some of them didn’t. They were all very attractive and very nice in an uncomfortably dangerous sort of way. I was an immediate hit, due to Venus sharing the “shove it up your ass and pull it out of your mouth” story. Vamps seemed to enjoy things with a hint of violence attached. My horrifying opening speech seemed to be forgotten. Thank God.

“Venus,” I whispered, “everyone is so beautiful. What happened with Muffy and Paris Hilton?”

“Oh,” Venus shook her head, “that’s a bad story.”

“How bad?”

“Quite bad,” a stunning Asian female Vampyre informed me. “Back in the 1920s a band of Vampyres thought it would be amusing to change a circus freak show.”

“Suffice it to say it wasn’t funny at all. It was horrific and cruel. Most of them didn’t make it,” Venus explained. “They were given no choice and were treated brutally.”

“Oh my God, did they catch the Vampyres who did it?”

“Oh yes,” the stunning and increasingly scary Asian Vamp said. “They were tried and eventually put to a death as brutal as the ones they caused.”

Her excited smile creeped me out. I moved closer to Venus.

“Our Warrior Prince will not tolerate atrocities,” a pale, but beautiful male Vampyre said.

I noticed many bowed heads. It was like the Warrior Prince was some kind of god-King. Weird. This whole monarchy thing seemed a little outdated to me, but I stayed quiet. He was due to visit the Cressida House soon, and as a new Vampyre, I would be granted an audience with him. Whatever.

Some of the freak-Vamps, which was their term, not mine, still worked in fringe carnivals, but most like Muffy and Paris Hilton had tried to blend in with society... some with more success than others. They had their own Houses—Lucern and Aurora. They had been invited to join the Cressida House, but decided to form their own instead. Neither Lucern nor Aurora had recruited a new member in over fifty years. No surprise there.

“Really they’re harmless, except for the massive property damage they cause everywhere they go,” a lovely dark-haired Vamp explained.

“How many are there?” I asked. Why did I find this so morbidly fascinating?

“At last count there were thirty-eight or forty freak-Vamps, depending with whom you are speaking,” a sexy Vamp with a Spanish accent informed me.

“Oookay,” I laughed, “Can’t Vampyres count?”

“No, no, dear child,” a blonde Vampyre named Crispin that looked half my age chimed in, “it’s rumored that the Siamese twins separated themselves, and being immortal, they each just grew back another twin.”

What the fu... ? I tried not to let my jaw drop on that one, but trust me, it was difficult. Even a couple of the seasoned Vamps looked like they had a tough time with it.

“I do find it interesting that you were changed without consent,” Crispin added, sipping on his blood-laced cocktail and making me uncomfortable with his scrutiny.

“Give her time,” Venus cut in quickly, moving me away from Crispin.

“We’re a secret. You can only share this with people you would trust your life with,” Venus said, leading me out of the ballroom.

“What happens if I slip up?” I asked, already knowing the answer.

“Revealing the existence of Vampyres is punishable by permanent death.”

Alrighty then.

“There is one other thing you need to know,” Venus said. “There are Rogue Vampyres in the area draining and killing mortals. We do not tolerate this kind of behavior.”

Well, that was certainly good to know. Apparently there was no reason to kill a mortal to eat. Ever. This Rogue issue seemed to happen every fifty years or so and was of course punishable by death. Not my idea of wholesome Vampyre fun. I was to report anything unusual.

What in the hell did that even mean? Everything in my life was beyond unusual now. I realized when I’d left I hadn’t told them about Pam. Something had held me back from sharing every corner of my life with them. Maybe next time.

* * *

My house was too clean. Something was wrong. What in the hell was that smell? Pine Sol, bleach, and stanky vanilla room deodorizer? Good God, what did she do? I was only gone one night.

“Pam, where are you?” I called.

“In here, sweetness,” she called back. Sweetness? I am so screwed... she either killed someone and buried them in the backyard, or she blew my entire savings online betting.

“Pam, I’m getting a little queasy here,” I said, rounding the corner to my destroyed den. “You usually swear at me within twelve seconds of my arrival.”

“Fine, Assbag, get in here. We’ve got company.”

Please help me God, could it get any worse? Yes... yes it could. Was Paris Hilton back?

Pam was alone. Thank you, Jesus. She was sprawled out on my semi-broken couch. Clearly the Vampyre fix-it crew hadn’t shown up yet. She was reading my email. I supposed she’d finished my diary.

“Did you have a lovely field trip, jackass?” she asked, closing my laptop and patting the couch beside her. I plopped down and curled up next to her.

“Yeah, nice butt by the way,” I said, referring to her moon and Pam cackled. “I joined the Cressida House. They seemed fairly normal for Vampyres, and I made a new friend named Venus. Where did you go last night?” I asked her accusingly, “I thought you were my Guardian Angel.”

“I am and I was here,” she replied in a serious tone that I had never heard. I looked at her for a moment and decided to let it drop. I also decided that this was not the time to explore why none of the Vamps could see her.

“Where’s the company?” I asked.

“It’s in your bedroom,” Pam smirked.

“What do you mean by it and why in God’s name is it in my bedroom?” I shouted. Shit, Pam’s love of volume seemed to be rubbing off on me.

“It has been sent here to teach you how to fight. Apparently the higher ups,” she gestured to the heavens, “saw you hiding behind the couch last night. We have come to the conclusion that you are a wimpy, pansy-ass Vampyre and you need to learn how to defend yourself. Not run behind furniture like a damn coward.”

“Are you sure you’re an Angel?” I asked, still totally amazed that this disgusting, profane, Oprah look-alike named Pam was even remotely celestial.

“Damn straight, Assbuckle.”

“That’s lovely,” I continued, “so my fighting coach is in my bedroom?”

“Yes.”

“Is it a male Angel or a female Angel?” I asked.

“It ain’t no Angel, baby. It’s a male Fairy!” Pam announced.

“He’s gay?”

“No! He’s not gay,” Pam yelled. “He’s a Fairy... you know, as in ‘I’ve got wings, and I’m really sexy, and I’m magic, and I’m hung like a horse’... you know.” She looked at me expectantly.

“No, no, actually I don’t know.” I was getting seriously confused and quite honestly a little alarmed by the ‘hung like a horse’ part.

Pam continued again as if English was my second language. “Well anyway, I don’t think he’s gay. I suppose he could be. He doesn’t seem gay. I’m sure he was scoping my boobs and I’m pretty sure he would love to get down on my... ”

“Nooo. No, no, no, no!” I screamed. “Stop! Don’t want to hear it.” I flapped my hands against my ears to block her out just in case she was still talking. Her mouth wasn’t moving. I slowly took my hands away, ready to start beating my head again if necessary. “Is he sleeping?” I asked, my hands still poised mid-air.

“For shit’s sake, I don’t know. Go look and see.” She picked up my cell phone, began scrolling through my texts and dismissed me with her middle finger.

I marched down the hall ready to face whatever was in there, threw open my bedroom door and gasped. Not quite as ready as I thought... There on my celery green down comforter surrounded by my hunter green and cream pillows lay a one hundred percent buck ass naked Arnold Schwarzenegger.

“Hello, my liebchen,” he joyfully bellowed with the full on Austrian-German accent.

“Hi,” I said and tried to avert my gaze from Arnold’s abundant privates. “I’m Astrid, and you are... ?”

“The Kevin, your Fairy Fighting Friend,” he shouted with gusto. What was it with all these loud immortals that looked like celebrities?

“Of course you are,” I muttered as he leapt off my bed and came at me with both arms extended with all regions south a-swinging in the breeze with a vengeance. I quickly sidestepped the lovin’ headed my way, which caused The Kevin to bash into my doorframe.

“Ahhhhhhh!” The Kevin moaned, grabbing his nose. “You are quick, my little strudel princess,” he yelled with pride. “You will be a good fighter! I think you broke my nose.”

“God, I’m so sorry,” I yelped. “Why don’t you sit down?” I grabbed a wad of tissue and pressed them to the fountain of blood gushing from The Kevin’s nose.

“And smart, too!” The Kevin mumbled as I seated him back on my comforter that I now really needed to wash. It was a good thing I wasn’t hungry. The Kevin’s blood smelled delicious, like hot buttery caramel corn and baked cinnamon apples. That would have been seriously awkward, not to mention uncouth, had I gotten busy and licked his face clean.

“The Kevin... ” I started.

“You can call me The Kev—all my friends do.”

“Oookay, The Kev, it’s nice to meet you. I’m sorry I broke your nose... and you’re going to have to cover yourself,” I added quickly.

“What do you mean, O Beautiful One?” The Kev asked.

I took a deep breath. Did he really not know? “Your privates, The Kev. You have to keep your privates covered.”

“Because they make you want me?” The Kev smiled seductively with a huge wad of tissue hanging out of his nose.

“Nooo... ” He was definitely not gay. Why wasn’t I attracted to him? He was gorgeous and naked and in my bedroom. Was there something wrong with me? I needed to be diplomatic without crushing The Kev. “You have very... um, nice privates, but you’re more like a brother to me.” I smiled and tilted my head to the side giving The Kev my most sincere and sweet sisterly look. Was he going to buy that shit?

The Kev considered this for a moment and seemed satisfied. He grinned and said, “By my privates, do you mean my buttocks and my rod?”

God help me. “Yes,” I tried to smile, despite the fact he’d called his penis a rod. “That’s exactly what I mean.”

“No problem, my little Krumecaca.” he said.

“Krumecaca?”

“It’s a cookie,” The Kev enlightened me.

“Of course it is.”

* * *

Life with The Kev and Pam was dysfunctional at its best, and insane at its worst.

The Kev loved me and Pam. Pam tolerated him with the same sweet profanity-laden disrespect that she tolerated me with. He just laughed, flexed his huge muscles at her, and swatted her on the butt. Pam would squeal like a little girl, and then cuss him out like a sailor. We were one little happy albeit odd family—except for one thing. Even though The Kev loved Pam and me, he was head over heels, cuckoo crazy in love with Gemma. As for how Gemma felt? I’d have to say overwhelmed and alarmed.

“He’s hot, but he’s weird,” Gemma said, hiding from The Kev in my bedroom. “He told me I wasn’t all human,” she hissed.

“What did you say to that?” I asked, staring at my ceiling and looking for the little ugly monsters. Where in the hell were they?

“I didn’t say anything. I punched him.”

“Holy shit,” I laughed, impressed that she got a shot in. I’d been fight training with The Kev for a while, and barely ever made a dent in him. “What did he do?”

“He laughed and congratulated me on my fabulous left jab.”

“Awesome,” I grinned.

“I suppose,” she giggled.

We still hadn’t seen The Kev’s wings, but everything else about him was utterly magical. His main shortcoming was his choice in apparel. If he wasn’t running around buck ass naked, which I had expressly forbidden, he put together the most hideous ensembles. Bless his heart.

Case in point—yesterday he wore a bright purple muscle T-shirt with gold spandex leggings, flip flops and an orange skull cap. I wasn’t sure where he was locating these items and was afraid to ask. I had a very bad feeling that he and Pam had been shopping online with my credit cards while I slept.

Along with my daily tutoring at the Cressida House from Venus, who was quickly becoming a close friend, my fight training with The Kev had gotten serious. I’ve never worked so hard or been as sore in my entire life. I’d only taken The Kev down once and it had not been easy. He was so delighted when I bested him that he slapped me on the back and sent me flying into a tree, which I knocked down. It was a hundred year old oak.

As lovely as The Kev was, that bastard punched hard. Not only did I get a major concussion from the tree, I’d had two black eyes, two split lips, four broken ribs and a dislocated shoulder to prove it, and that was after only four days of training. Thank God I was a Vampyre or I’d be for real dead. Well, that and The Kev’s blood. Fairy blood heals. Without The Kev’s blood I’d be a mess. I was too new a Vampyre to heal very quickly.

The Kev let me drink from him whenever I wanted. Again, strangely enough, it wasn’t sexual with the Kev even though I drank from his neck. Pam was not happy about me drinking so much Fairy blood, but she knew it was necessary for me to heal. Apparently the combination of Fairy blood and Angel blood was very powerful, and pretty much untested. When they thought I was asleep I heard her tell him he’d better train me “fuckin’ good.” According to Pam there were a lot of beings that would want me dead with the unimaginable strength and Magic I would soon have from all the celestial blood I’d been partaking in.

Between Venus’ tutoring and The Kev’s fight classes I knew more about bloodsuckers and ass kicking than I could ever want to in twenty lifetimes. I still hadn’t revealed anything about Pam or The Kev to any of my new Vampyre friends—not even Venus.

They hadn’t forbidden me to talk about them, but it just didn’t feel right.

Since my disastrous decision about getting hypnotized left me dead, I had been following my gut ever since.

Chapter Eight

Visiting a graveyard at 2:30 in the morning could indicate one of two things. I was drunk and really stupid. Or I was a Vampyre out to pay respects to my beloved recently dead grandmother and didn’t want to fry my ass in the sun. I fell into the latter category.

“Why the hell is it getting colder?” I asked the crumbling sidewalk. Surprisingly, it didn’t answer. With all the unbelievable occurrences in my life, I half expected the damn sidewalk to strike up a conversation. It was June for Christ’s sake. It wasn’t supposed to be cold. I hurried my pace, wondering if it was going to storm, and ended up right in front of Nana’s huge gravestone. I shivered and got a creepy feeling that I wasn’t alone. I looked around to make sure no one was about to witness how bonkers I’d become.

“Nana?” I whispered. Nothing. If at first you don’t succeed... blah blah blah.

“Nana?” Still nothing. Shitfire, I was getting spooked. Why in the hell should I be nervous? I was a Vampyre for God’s sake. I was a bloodsucking fiend! Right?

Right. I was at the top of the stinkin’ food chain!

Right?

Right. I was not afraid of anybody!

Right?

Wrong! What the fu... ?

With the grace of a cow, I dove behind Nana’s grave into a shallow hole. I heard people walking and talking. Nobody sane should be out here at this time of night except me, and my sanity was debatable. Pam was right. I was a wimpy, pansy-ass Vampyre. Why in the hell did I think it was a good freakin’ idea to visit a graveyard in the middle of the night? Did I learn nothing from the hypnotism Vampyre fiasco? I peeked out and observed three of the most beautiful people I’d ever seen nearing my hidey-hole. Shit.

There were two women and one man. He had the finest, most asstastically perfect backside I’d ever seen in my life. I started to stand up to get a better look, but common sense prevailed and I stayed put. Thank you, Jesus. What the hell was wrong with me? An ass is an ass is an ass.

The trio stopped about six feet from where I hid. They stared at each other with a razor sharp deadly focus. It was as if invisible walls held them back from one another. They completely ignored me. Again, thank you, Jesus. Because I clearly had a death wish, I shifted ever so slightly to get a better look.

Mr. Beautiful Butt had gold eyes with shoulder length golden blonde hair to match, high sculpted cheekbones and pale flawless skin. Right out of a freakin’ romance novel. His lashes were full and long. He was tall, had a rockin’ bod, and a drool worthy ass that I couldn’t seem to rip my eyes away from. He had full kissable lips, and did I mention that his butt was insane? It was packed into some well-worn jeans with some scuffed up Doc Marten boots, topped off with a just-a-little-bit-tight black T-shirt that clung to his oh-so-muscular top half. He was simply the best looking man I’d ever seen in my entire life and I had this crazy feeling I knew him. There was no way. I would have never forgotten him if we’d met before.

Red—scary female on the left—was gorgeous. Wild dark red curls flowed down her back and her eyes were a bluish silver. Holy cow, this Vamp-vision was like having binoculars for eyeballs. Her skin was pale and luminous and her mouth was full and pink. She was long and lean with a great rack. Normally, all that would make me jealous, but noooo. What was killin’ me was that Red was Prada’ed out. Prada from head to toe. She was even wearing this season’s thigh high stiletto boots. I would die for those. Oh wait, I can’t do that. I’m dead already.

Brownie—scary female on the right—had the PMS look. I was very familiar with that one, although I guess that PMS was now a thing of my past. Anyhoo, Brownie had chin length, curly, shiny dark brown hair. Her skin was pale mocha and her amethyst eyes had that same glittery glow as the others. Her cheekbones looked as if they had been cut in stone. Brownie was stunning. She was smaller in stature than Red but held her own. She wore a low cut Betsy Johnson dress with insane platforms. Where did these girls shoe shop?

Their silence was scarier than if they were screaming. What in the hell was going on here? I sunk lower into my hidey-hole.

“Haven’t seen you in several years,” Red snapped at my boyfriend.

“That has certainly been a pleasure,” he grinned. Be still my heart, could he get any hotter? “Last time I saw you, several of your limbs were missing,” he said.

Now that was random. Maybe my bionic Vampyre hearing had a glitch.

“That would be thanks to your no-good, son of a bitch, Jane-Austen-Wuthering Heights-loving boyfriend,” Red hissed at my gay?? lover. Damn it to hell, there was no justice.

My gay prince laughed at Miss Prada. “Ah my lovely sister, I’ll admit to many things over my many centuries, but experimentation is your hobby, not mine. I can guarantee you he is not my boyfriend.”

Thank you, Jesus.

“You’re both an embarrassment.” Brownie finally spoke, sounding as bored as I would at a knitting seminar.

“She speaks,” he said.

“Screw you,” she countered.

“Been there, done that, Honey Bunch,” my man parried back.

Brownie laughed derisively. “You wish,” she quipped, still managing to sound bored.

God, who does she remind me of?

“Speaking figuratively, not literally, my dear sister.”

What the hell? All of these people—and I used that term loosely—were related? If they were, they either have different mothers or different fathers... or maybe they’re step-siblings. Because clearly I’m just that stupid, I stood up. Bad, bad, bad idea. The beautiful redhead stared at me, almost confused.

“There’s someone here,” she said, stating the obvious.

All of a sudden there were three sets of glittering eyes on me. I finally knew what thick silence felt like—it felt wrong on every level. I struggled to find my voice. Unfortunately, I found it. “This is a lovely cemetery, don’t you think?”

“She can see us?” Brownie hissed. She didn’t sound so bored now.

“Impossible,” my future boy toy muttered, “we’re cloaked.”

Before I could blink he was in front of me, so close I could barely function. He smelled really good. His eyes blazed gold and slowly turned to a brilliant emerald green. He stared steadily at me. A shudder ran through my body.

My first compulsion was to touch him. I lifted my hand and lightly ran my fingertips along his jaw line. He jerked back as if burnt and began to laugh. “My God, it didn’t work.”

I knew something was really not right here. This was not normal conversation. These were not normal people. I was fairly sure these were my people and I didn’t want anything to do with them.

These Vampyres were not like the vapid idiots who visited me the other day, nor were they interesting and nice like the Vampyres at the Cressida House. These were dangerous psychos, dressed to kill, probably literally. Oh. My. God. These were the Rogue Vampyres I was warned about! Shit, shit, shit.

I was not drunk or asleep. But I was clearly in tons of trouble. Wouldn’t it just figure, the first time I find anyone attractive in like a year, he turns out to be a cuckoo-cuckoo killer Rogue Vampyre. A crazy, mortal-killing bloodsucker that had friends who had ripped his sister’s limbs off.

Fuck. I couldn’t catch a break if it bit me in the ass.

And what in the hell was that all about anyway? Ripping limbs off? Did they grow back? Did she get them surgically sewn back on? They looked too normal to have been sewn back on. Crap, why were they staring at me? Did I say any of that out loud? I needed to get the hell out of here.

“Who do you belong to?” Brownie demanded.

I had no idea what she was talking about. Did I have an owner? Like a dog? These Vampyres must be from some other kind of Vampyre club, because unless I was mistaken that was not how it worked in Kentucky, or anywhere else in the good old U S of A for that matter. That bullshit ended with the Civil War.

Wait, did she think I was a hooker? I didn’t look like a hooker. She looked more like a hooker than I did in her big ass platforms and her boobies hanging out of that seriously cute Betsy Johnson. God, I’d love to have that dress. I would look great in that dress. I bet it cost a fortune. Shut up. Shut up. I didn’t have an answer to the question, which was rare, so I said nothing.

Red stepped closer to me and the air got cooler. “She’s very pretty,” she cooed. “I smell Vampyre, but there’s something else.”

“She’s gorgeous.” Mr. Hottie’s gaze lingered on my mouth as he spoke then snapped up to my eyes. “But that’s neither here nor there. Who made you and what are you?” he demanded.

I was starting to get pissed... and careless. “I’m a female,” I told Mr. Hot Pants, “and as far as I know my mommy and daddy made me.”

“Obviously,” he laughed. His eyes raked over my body with appreciation. “But I’m in no mood for games. I’ll ask you again—nicely—one more time. Who made you and what are you?”

I had no idea what they wanted me to say. My pissed-off reaction was shifting to scared-silly. I was so terrified I felt rooted to the ground. How weird was that? I’d heard people say it but I never believed it until now. My feet would not move. I wanted to run, but there was no chance of that. Brownie was by my right shoulder, Red was by my left, and Prince Starting-to-Be-UnCharming was in my face. I knew I was going to die. How unfair was that? I’d already died once this month. Shit.

He wrapped his large hand around my throat and very calmly stated, “Why don’t I give you a few choices to make this a little easier for you, pretty girl? Are you a Vampyre-Witch, Vampyre-Ghoul, Vampyre-Demon, or Vampyre-Shifter?”

“Ghoul and Shifter are out,” Red threw in. “I would be able to sense that.”

Brownie, not to be out done by the rest of her psycho kin added, “Who sent you and why are you here?” She punctuated it by squeezing my arm so hard I was surprised the bone didn’t snap.

“Oh my God,” I blurted, “you people are nuts.” I started to laugh. Knowing absolutely I was going to die, I still couldn’t help myself. Prince UnCharming dropped his hand from my throat. If I didn’t know better, I’d say he was shocked.

“Clearly... ” I went on, very noticeably raking Mr. Smarty Pants up and down with my eyes. Turnabout is always fair play and he was hot. If I was going to die I may as well enjoy looking at the eye-candy before he ripped me apart.

“Clearly you are all very good-looking, well dressed Vampyre people who must have escaped from an extremely expensive insane asylum. I don’t know if I like being a Vampyre yet, but if I’m going to end up like you, go ahead and kill me. I want out.” I was definitely heading toward hysteria and entering the land of bizarre cheerleader voice. “You people are batshit crazy. Witches? Ghouls? Demons? Shifters? You forgot Mermaids and Trolls and the Tooth Fairy. I’m just going to leave you to what you were doing. Limb-ripping or whatever. So please step away from me and I’ll go.”

Nobody moved. Much to my chagrin I started laughing again.

“Is she laughing at me?” my ex-boyfriend asked.

“No,” Red interjected, “Us. Did she just say Tooth Fairy?”

“Yes, I believe she did.” He tried to suppress his amusement.

“Does she have any idea who we are?” Red asked.

“I’m going to go with a no on that one,” her brother replied.

Brownie was not happy. “This is not good, not good at all,” she barked. “I think we should kill her.”

“We can’t kill her,” Red snapped. “We don’t know what she is, who she belongs to, or why she’s here. So, if we kill her we could end up banished for centuries. She has not threatened our lives. Trance her, Ethan,” she ordered.

Ethan? His name is Ethan?

“I tried,” Ethan said. “It didn’t work.”

“What do you mean?” Brownie was shocked.

“What I mean, Lelia,” Ethan condescended, “is that she doesn’t trance. She can also clearly see through our cloaking.”

That juicy tidbit set them all off as they yelled at each other about what to do with me. This was absolutely ridiculous. If I was going to die, I may as well go out fighting. What the hell were my choices? I wracked my brain to think of what I could say that would satisfy them enough to let me leave or kill me quickly.

“I’m an Angel-Vamp,” I shouted over their argument. That shut them up, and if I’m not mistaken, scared them.

“Prove it,” Red growled.

“Um... ” Well, now I was screwed.

“She can’t prove it, Raquel,” Lelia said. Ethan just stared at me, a slight smile playing on his all too perfect face.

“It’s not that I can’t,” I bluffed, “it’s that I won’t. Since you all seem so interested in what I am, I’d like to know what exactly you are. Besides certifiable,” I added quietly.

Not quietly enough. Red... oops, I mean Raquel knocked me to the ground with a force that startled me and hurt like hell. I cried out as she straddled me and slapped me hard across the face. I felt my lip split and my cheek start to swell. I struggled but was no match for her. Lelia, formerly Brownie, held my arms down and I could swear both of their eyes were glowing like emerald green flashlights.

“Enough,” shouted Ethan, grabbing the girls like they were rag dolls and flinging them into nearby graves. I struggled to my feet and tried to run, but Ethan held me tight to his chest. God, his chest was amazing. I wondered how it would look and feel without the T-shirt in the way. What in the hell was wrong with me? He was not that hot, plus he wanted to kill me. Well, he was that hot, but he was still going to kill me.

I watched in shock as Red and Brownie, or rather Raquel and Lelia stood up and brushed themselves off as if nothing had happened. They should have been decapitated after the way their heads hit those crypts. I was sure I was hallucinating. Raquel grabbed her arm which was grotesquely twisted behind her back and popped it back into place. The huge gash on Lelia’s cheek healed as I watched. They must be old to heal that fast.

“That’s it, Ethan,” Raquel screamed. “You could have knocked my arm off and I don’t have the time or the patience to grow a new one, Asshole.”

Well, there was one question answered.

“So let her go,” she continued, “because now I’m going to kick your ass. It’s about time you knew what it felt like to be legless.”

Lelia laughed and clapped her hands. “I’ll hold the little Angel,” she said, grabbing me from Ethan.

He turned on her quickly and snarled, “If you hurt her, you will be permanently dead. Do you understand me?”

Lelia blanched. I suppose he wanted to kill me himself after he was done ripping his other sister’s legs off. Lelia quickly nodded to Ethan and loosened her vise-like grip on me.

“Bring it,” snapped Raquel.

“As you wish,” he growled.

They began to circle one another like predatory animals. They were both so very beautiful and so very deadly. At least they were off the subject of killing me, but now they were more intent on killing each other. I glanced around the graveyard and wondered if there was any way to escape. This absolutely sucked. I was about to witness some limb-ripping, and then I was going to die... for real. Just as they were about to attack each other, something changed in me.

I could feel it in my body. Heat surged through me. I could see everything around me glowing in sparkling golds and peaches. It was wonderful. I smiled and flicked my fingers and a breeze laced with glitter lifted my hair off my neck and hugged my body. Lelia was blown away from me and I was free. I felt strong and beautiful. Plus, I was no longer scared. Part of me knew I’d jumped off the Bridge of Sanity and part of me didn’t care.

My three new friends—I use the term very loosely—stared in awe. Lelia and Raquel huddled together and backed away while Ethan advanced on me, wonder and desire in his eyes. My fangs descended, as did his. Oookay, a little freaky, but strangely hot. Was this the Vampyre sign for “I’d like to get you naked”?

As much as I wanted to see where this would lead, Ethan scared the hell out of me, and still possibly wanted to kill me. I backed away from him and he stopped. His gaze never left mine, and a new kind of heat started searing its way through my body. I knew he could sense what I was feeling because I knew exactly what he was feeling.

God, this Vampyre crap was complicated. Just when I thought I had a handle on my power some new freaky wrinkle got thrown in.

Suddenly I was barraged with images from his head—very naked, very explicit images of what he wanted to do to me. Oh. My. God. He was bad. Really good, but really bad. I’d never done half of that stuff he wanted to do. If his visions were accurate, he was quite something naked. Had I still been capable of blushing, I would have been a deep crimson. He grinned at me and ran his tongue across his lips. The tongue I wanted on my lips, in my mouth, not to mention other places like on my... wait... what is wrong with me and when did my inner slut take over? I swear to God, I wasn’t usually this much of a ho-bag, but all I wanted to do was jump the crazy killer Vampyre and have my way with him. How in the hell was this man making me feel this way without touching me? Why did I feel such a connection to him?

A soft breeze blew up around my body, whipping my hair and lifting my skirt. Ethan’s gaze slipped from my face to my legs. Thank Jesus I had good panties on. Wait... Why the hell did I care what kind of panties I had on? Five minutes ago the son of a bitch tried to kill me. Lord have mercy, I’d almost gone commando. That would have been bad.

I lifted my hand and flicked my fingers again and a glittery breeze engulfed me. Ethan began to come towards me again with a very determined look in his eyes. This both excited and scared the bejesus out of me. His intention was clearly carnal as evidenced by the lust in his eyes and the enormous bulge in his jeans. I caught myself moving towards him. While a huge part of me wanted to tackle the gorgeous killer and make him see God, the saner part of me somehow prevailed.

I flicked my fingers three more times, flinging glitter wildly around me. I knew with every fiber of my being that I needed to leave this place now or I would not be responsible for what I did. Having sex with a strange killer Vampyre in a graveyard while his sisters watched was just not my usual M.O. no matter how mouthwatering the Vampyre might be. Ethan stopped and tried to reach for me. I stepped back and heard him ask, “What is your name?”

I looked into his beautiful eyes and said nothing. He took a step closer. My body began to tingle with anticipation... and then I vanished.

Chapter Nine

I woke up in a pile of bodies on my bed. Mine, Gemma’s, Pam’s and The Kev’s. What the fu... ?

“Um... guys? As much as I love all of you this just seems wrong. Like against the law wrong.”

“Oh my God,” Gemma jerked awake, grabbed my face and started crying. “Astrid, you’re alive!”

“Of course I’m alive... at least as alive as a dead person can be,” I said, pushing The Kev off of me. “Why wouldn’t I be alive?”

Pam rolled herself off of my bed. How in the hell did we all fit on my bed? “Well, Assmunch, when you showed up last night you were convulsing in a funnel of Fairy Glitter. You had just transported yourself, which only Angels or Fairies should be able to do, and your eyeballs were rolling back into your head like a rabid dog. Call me nutty, but we were a little concerned.”

“Krumecaca!” The Kev woke up and shouted with great joy. He tackled me in a hug, possibly breaking a rib. “My goodness of the sakes,” he yelled, “we were so worried with the crazy sparkles and the crazy hairdo and your eyeballs rolling around in your head like a wild animal with the rabies and... ”

“Thank you,” I cut him off, “enough with the scary Astrid imagery. I get it.”

Pam walked over to my vanity and sat, or rather copped a squat on my little stool. The Kev was pacing. To my horror he was wearing a red, white, and blue Speedo... .and nothing else. Bless his heart.

Pam rested her head in her hands. And The Kev, despite his wrong-on-every-level clothing choice, looked gravely serious.

“What?” I was getting uncomfortable. “Why are you acting like somebody died? Oh shit, did I kill someone?”

“Hell no,” Pam bellowed. “Sit your skinny ass down and shut up.”

I obediently walked over to my bed and curled up next to Gemma. She put her arms around me and stroked my hair.

“Did anyone see you disappear?” Pam questioned, wringing her hands.

“Yes.” I hesitated, remembering the effect that the gorgeous Rogue Vampyre had on me. “Three Vampyres.”

“Fuck,” Pam shouted as The Kev’s pace picked up. He ran his hands through his hair and mumbled to himself.

A lead ball sat in the pit of my stomach. My vision blurred as my eyes filled with tears. “What? What did I do?”

“Did you know these Vampyres? Were they from the Cressida House?” she asked.

“No,” I sniffled. “I didn’t know them. I don’t think they were the good kind.” Although... one of them did have a crazy good ass. What the hell? Talk about inappropriate thoughts. I needed to erase him from my brain. “If I had to guess, I’d say they were the Rogue Vamps I was warned about.” I got up and reached for the phone. “I need to call Venus and tell her.”

“No!” The Kev tackled me to the floor.

“Get. Off. Me.” I ground out, positive he’d cracked a rib. The Kev gently picked me up, sat me on the bed with Gemma and patted my head like a dog. My eyes, now a bright emerald green, bored into Pam’s. “Tell me what in the hell is going on.”

Pam looked up to the heavens for a long moment, then at The Kev, and then finally back at me. “You have powers that Vampyres are not supposed to have. Ever. I am assuming you will need these powers for your path in life, but it would have been a fuckload better if nobody knew about them.”

“Call me crazy,” I snapped, “but wouldn’t that have been a good thing to tell me?”

“Little Wienersnitchzel, we did not know you were that powerful yet. It should have taken decades for you to be at such a high level.” The Kev shook his head in confusion.

“Why?” Gemma asked. “There has to be a reason why she can do what she did.”

Pam’s brow furrowed, “I’m not sure. The Angel and Fairy blood have something to do with it, but I have never seen anything like this.”

“What about her sire?” Gemma stood up and started pacing with The Kev.

“My what?” I asked.

“The Vampyre who made you,” Gemma said. Of course Gemma, the supernatural junkie, would know more Vampyre lore and lingo than me.

“That’s it!” The Kev shouted, slapping Gemma’s tush lovingly. She blushed furiously, looking quite pleased with her discovery and The Kev’s love pat.

“You’re right... it has to be her maker. She must have been one old and powerful motherfucker. That’s the only way to explain it,” Pam said, relieved to have an explanation. “That, coupled with our blood, has made you the Bionic Vamp.”

“Is it reversible?” I asked hopefully.

“Nope,” The Kev and Pam answered together.

“It will only get stronger,” Pam added.

“Why is her power such a problem?” Gemma asked.

Wait a minute. Was she scooting closer to The Kev?

“I’m not a hundred percent sure it is,” Pam said, rummaging through my drawers. “For whatever reason power always ends up being a problem. It will make our Assnoodle a target for Vampyres who will want to use her gift for their own gain, possibly even kill her out of fear. You,” she pointed at me, “are not ready to defend yourself against a Vamp with two hundred or three hundred or even five years of experience.”

“What in the hell is my gift?” I asked.

“Assbutt, I don’t even know. Right now you can transport and throw Fairy Dust, which can freeze or confuse people. Hell, tomorrow you might be able to fly and turn people into toads. It’s anybody’s guess at this point.” Pam shook her head.

Oh my God, this was bad. I did not want to be some crazy powerful Vampyre that would cause other Vamps to want to kick my ass or kill me.

Pam found some lip-gloss and tried it on, checking herself out in the mirror. Clearly unhappy with her choice, she went back to rummaging. “Anyway,” she said, spritzing herself with my expensive French perfume, “you need to lay low. Don’t go to the Cressida House except for your lessons with Venus and don’t offer up any information about last night.”

“What if they ask?” I said.

“Why the fuck would they ask? They don’t know anything about it.” Pam found my nose hair clipper and turned it on.

“True, but what if they do?” I watched in utter disbelief as she stuck my nose hair clipper up her nose. Not only was that disgusting, it was totally unsanitary.

“I’m an Angel, Assface. What do you think? That I’ll tell you to lie? If—and only if—they ask, then tell them.”

“Okay,” I snapped, “that’s all I wanted to know.”

Pam rolled her eyes, went back to her nose, and got busy.

Chapter Ten

After a lot of consideration, several more human artery lessons, and some life-threatening encouragement from Pam, I finally drank mortal blood.

From Gemma.

To make Pam happy.

And to continue to live another day.

If you asked The Kev, he’d tell you that Gem wasn’t totally mortal. He wasn’t sure what she was, but he was convinced she had “the Magic.” I was convinced he had it bad. I caught The Kev practicing a Michael Jackson medley, crotch grab and all. Ahhh, the lengths a Fairy would go to impress a woman.

If The Kev was correct about Gemma, I still hadn’t had mortal blood. God only knows what secret superpower Gemma’s blood would give me. Magic or mortal, Gemma tasted yummy, just like a best friend should.

“What does it feel like?” I asked, licking the punctures to stop the bleeding and handing her wrist back to her.

“It kind of tickles, in a fuzzy way.”

“Does it feel sexual?”

“No. Does it to you?” Gemma asked, wiping a blood smear from my mouth.

“Not at all.” I lamented the fact that my blood drinking may never be a sexual experience for me, or for anyone else.

Gemma tucked her hair behind her ears and hummed a few bars of ‘Rock with You’. “Dude, maybe you just need to suck the right guy to make it all hot and steamy.”

“Possibly,” I agreed, envisioning a beautiful blonde Vampyre with gold eyes and a huge... don’t go there. I’d been daydreaming about him constantly, about how his lips would feel pressed against mine. I wondered if he really looked that good naked, and I couldn’t get his scent out of my nose. Forget my nose. I couldn’t get him out of my head. He was my every other stinkin’ thought. I was obsessed with Ethan, the Evil Rogue Killer Vampyre. With great effort, I pushed him over to the far left side of my mind. It was useless to lust after someone I’d never see again anyway. I hadn’t told Gemma about him. I knew if I did, she’d latch on like a pit bull and not let go. I hadn’t dated anyone in a while. A long while. According to Gemma, who never lacked for dates, that was a bad thing. Secretly I agreed with her, but outwardly I simply pretended not to care.

I didn’t date much. Apparently all men were losers and only good for one thing. My mother had beaten this nifty little fact into my brain since birth, ensuring I would be wary of the opposite sex. It had worked.

My mother couldn’t bother to remember my father’s name.

My mother’s father had died in Vietnam. By the time she was an adult, she couldn’t be bothered to remember his name either. I knew that hurt my Nana, but my mother was an odd duck, and a cold, unhappy, and very angry woman.

She had a mother who loved her, despite her shortcomings, and a daughter who adored her. A daughter who in adulthood had racked up several thousand hours of therapy, trying to figure out why her mother didn’t love her, along with why she couldn’t maintain a relationship with a man for more than two weeks.

You’d think after that upbringing I’d harbor some extremely nasty feelings for her. I didn’t. I didn’t exactly worship her anymore, but I didn’t hate her. Sadly, I couldn’t ratchet up enough emotion to feel much of anything for her. On the other hand, if I were really honest with myself, unfortunately there was still part of me that thought I could make her love me. Ahhh, those wonderful childhood fantasies.

Gemma held up her other wrist, snapping me out of my walk down dysfunction lane, “Do you want any more?”

“Sure,” I said, hunkering down. Gemma turned the volume back up on my brand new flat screen plasma TV, compliments of the Vampyres at the Aurora and Lucern Houses. In a matter of three hours they had completely repaired my house and brought me all new furniture. I was tempted to invite Muffy and Paris over and let them have at it in my kitchen. I could use some new appliances.

* * *

Holy hell. I jerked awake trying to figure out where I was. This Vampyre crap was messing with my sleep. What time was it? What in the hell was I doing here? Wait... I was home... in my bed. I was okay. I had just taken a nap.

I was home in my own bedroom and I’d had the dream.

Again.

Damn that Lady in the Tomb. She usually only popped into my dreams once a month or once every few months. Now she was popping in every other night. I was getting closer to getting her out of that tomb. I supposed if the dream kept rearing its bizarre head, I’d have her out of there by the end of the week.

I considered going back to sleep, but the movement on my ceiling caught my attention. Rachel, Ross, Honest Abe, and Beyonce were tap dancing. I’d named my monsters. I figured since I’d arrived in Crazytown, I may as well take off my coat and stay a while. It was odd. Out of all the little monsters living on my ceiling, the four of them really stood out. It started slowly with a shy nod and a wave, and then progressed to a full on dance party by day five.

I decided after a week and a half of bonding, and dancing, that they deserved better than just being called ‘monster’. Hence their names, given because of their uncanny resemblance to their historical counterparts. I loved them and they loved me. No one could take them away, not even my mother.

My little ugly babies didn’t eat, poop or bite. They lived on the ceiling and disappeared when anyone else was near. They were my three inch tall bundles of love. They were perfect and they were tremendous dancers. Their tango demonstration last night nearly brought me to tears of laughter. I hadn’t told anyone about them yet. I was afraid they would go away if I revealed their existence. I’d already given up so much. I wouldn’t take the chance of losing my monsters.

They often foreshadowed my evenings ahead. Tonight they were agitated. Very agitated.

They were slapping themselves and making high-pitched clicking sounds, which was like a cross between a cricket on speed and those wind-up teeth that chatter. The sounds were new. The more we interacted the more we could communicate. They loved when I flicked my fingers and shot breezes of Glitter Magic at them. They ate it up. Literally. They ate it, and then they ran around screaming and laughing like little drunks.

Their agitation tonight was unsettling. “I wish you guys could talk,” I muttered, getting dressed. I pulled on a super cool hot pink Juicy sweat suit that hugged my bottom just right and my brand new gold sequined UGG boots. My monsters approved. Their clapping and whistling made me giggle. I bowed. “Thank you, thank ... ”

“Who in the hell are you talking to?”

“Shit,” I yelled, jerking around and slamming my head on the bed frame so hard I saw stars. “How many times have I told you to knock?” I hissed at Pam, who looked like hell warmed over. “What’s wrong with you?”

“Your mother is here.”

My little monsters screamed bloody murder and disappeared back into the ceiling. I quickly glanced at Pam to see if she’d heard them, but she gave no indication that anything was out of the ordinary.

“Are you sure?” I panicked. I paced my room frantically. I felt my fangs descend and my eyes go green. This was not good.

“Yes,” she replied, equally as panicked.

“Wait.” I stopped. “How do you know it’s my mother?”

“What do I look like to you?” Pam demanded.

“Oprah Winfrey?” I replied, confused by the question.

“Oh for fuck’s sake, I’m an Angel. I know these things,” she yelled.

“Hold. On.” I said with excitement, “Can you see the future?”

“Not down here I can’t,” she muttered, running her hand through her already frightening hair. “My boss... that would be GOD to you... much to my great disgust gave you imbeciles free will. So even if I could see the future, it can change on a dime because you idiots are as flighty as gnats.”

“But you can see it up there?” I insisted, pointing to Heaven.

“Sometimes,” she carefully replied.

“Did you see any of this before you came down?” I waited.

“Only up until three days ago.” Pam sounded so tired. “Now I occasionally have visions, and I know your mother being here is not a good thing.”

“Can she see you?”

“No. Not if I don’t want her to,” Pam said.

I was shocked, “You mean you can control that?”

“Of course I can, Asswad. I am more powerful than you will ever know. Now suck your fangs up, turn your eyes back to gold, and get your sorry ass down to your kitchen and... ”

“Hello, Astrid,” my mother said from my doorway. “Who are you talking to?”

“Shit,” I screamed, slapping my hand over my mouth and lowering my eyelids ‘til they were mere slits. Please God, please God, please God—don’t let her have seen my fangs. I could explain my eyes away as contacts, but there was no way to explain two inch razor sharp fangs.

“That’s a lovely way to greet your mother,” she said as her eyes narrowed. How did she do that? I felt like I was thirteen and got caught looking at naked guys on the Internet.

She tucked her perfectly coiffed hair behind her diamond studded ear and crossed her arms across her perfectly appointed chest. There she stood in her chic summer Chanel suit, pearls and low heeled pumps. Subtle makeup, light perfume and a slight tan. As Pam would say, absofuckinlutely perfect.

Pam watched my mother’s every move with a look of utter disgust and revulsion. I supposed Nana had filled Pam in on my mother while they were hanging out in Heaven.

My mother was a beautiful untouchable ice queen. She was blonde, fair skinned and had huge violet-blue eyes framed by unnaturally long lashes, high cheekbones and a Cupid’s bow mouth. She looked crazy young for her age, which I happened to know was forty-six. More often than not, people thought she was my sister. She had me when she was sixteen.

As a child, I often wished she had given me up for adoption, but then I wouldn’t have had my Nana. I’d have gone to hell and back for my Nana. How my Nana spawned such a frozen piece of work is beyond me... but she did. My mother’s name was Petra, which was perfect. It meant stone.

“You’re looking quite good for someone who was so sick,” she said, taking in my messy room with displeasure.

“Thank you, Petra,” I said with my hand still covering my fangs. Go up, go up, go up... they did. Thank you, Jesus.

“Oh darling, you don’t have to call me Petra,” she laughed. Her laugh reminded me of ice breaking from limbs after a huge winter storm. The kind that looks beautiful, but kills.

Darling? What the fu... ?

I looked around the room, convinced there had to be someone here she was trying to fool with her loving mother routine. Nope, just me, her, and an invisible Angel.

“I... I thought that’s what you wanted me to call you, so... um, no one knew you were my mother.” The small, childlike voice that came out of my mouth disgusted me. Oh shit, I was going to cry. God, I hated myself. I was a grown woman. Why did I let her do this to me?

“Oh, don’t be silly,” she trilled. “I’m your mother... your mommy,” she smiled.

Did Pam just growl?

Who in the hell was standing in my bedroom? It looked like my mother, but it definitely was not my mother. My mother had never been loving in any way. Ever. All sorts of impossible things had happened lately, though. For God’s sake, I was a Vampyre with a Guardian Angel and my own personal Fairy. I suppose Martians could have come down and inhabited her body... or maybe she’d changed.

She put her arms out and approached me. I cautiously took a step closer. I awkwardly moved into her arms. It felt uncomfortable and wrong.

“Sweetheart, you feel so cold,” said my concerned mother with a bizarre satisfaction in her voice.

“I’m fine.” I tried to return her smile, but old habits were hard to break.

Her smile was still plastered on, but being so close to her I could see it didn’t reach her eyes. Alrighty then, she was still my mother.

“I came by to tell you something,” she said, gracefully but firmly disengaging herself from me. Crap, I didn’t realize I was holding on to her. Would I never learn? She circled me, examining me like a car or a horse.

“Being sick agrees with you, Astrid,” she said, “you have never looked so good in your life.” Why did her compliments always feel like a slap? “Yes... you look good, but a bit pale. Maybe you should get some sun, Astrid. Don’t you think you should get some sun, dear?”

“Well, I... um,” I stammered. I felt caught like a deer in the headlights.

“Oh, but you shouldn’t go out in the sun, should you, Astrid?” she asked, pointedly.

“What do you mean?” I whispered. Did she know? How could she know? People didn’t even believe in Vampyres.

“I mean, people like you shouldn’t go out in the sun... the sun will age you. It will give you sun spots and cancer,” she laughed.

Was she screwing with me?

“Actually, Astrid darling, that’s why I’m here,” she said. “I have cancer and I’m going to die. I’ll probably be dead within the week. My will is in order, so you have nothing to... ” She stopped.

I was laughing. Like a hyena. What in the hell was she talking about? Cancer? Dying? In a week? She looked like a million bucks. Cancer, my ass. With extreme effort I pulled myself together.

“Petra... I mean, Mother... I am so sorry, but if that’s a joke it’s awful. Is there something you want?”

Ice settled in the pit of my stomach. Shit, she was getting pissed. She tilted her head to the left. Left equaled pissed. Right equaled ballistic.

“Mother, come on,” I said, trying desperately to lighten the mood, “if you want something from me, just ask. You don’t have to tell me you’re dying to get me to do something.”

If I could breathe I’d be hyperventilating. If looks could kill I would be lying dead on the floor right now.

“I am not lying,” she ground out through clenched teeth. “I don’t want anything from you. I have never wanted anything from you. You are a stupid, directionless girl. At least now you’ve done one thing right and I would hope that you won’t fuck that up too. I’ll be dead by Friday. Everything is in order. I’d like to say my goodbyes now and not be bothered with any soul-searching or last minute bonding.”

I blinked. Did she say fuck? I had never heard her say fuck. It sounded so odd. Don’t get me wrong, the emotional beating she just dished out coupled with her bizarre death wish was painful, but I was used to that. I’d just never heard her say fuck.

She walked to my bedroom door. She stopped, not bothering to turn around. “When I’m gone, I hope you’ll remember me fondly. I’ll try to visit you in your dreams. Look for me.”

She left.

Was she high? Oh God, please don’t let her into my dreams. I have enough problems trying to get that poor woman out of the tomb. I didn’t need some bipolar demon mother telling me what a pathetic disappointment I’d been while I slept. What was she talking about—done something right?

My little monsters had been correct. This day sucked.

Chapter Eleven

The hardest part about being a Vampyre—forget the not smoking part, I didn’t even miss it much anymore—was that Black Raspberry Chip ice cream, as well as chips and salsa were no longer part of my daily existence. I had always claimed that Black Raspberry Chip was better than sex. Even though I couldn’t eat it from the carton anymore, I stood by my statement.

To that point, I discovered something earth-shattering tonight.

Whatever Gemma ate I could taste in her blood! It didn’t work with Pam or The Kev—just Gem. I was beginning to think The Kev might be on to something. Gemma did have the Magic. So as Gemma happily scarfed down her second pint of Black Raspberry Chip, I happily scarfed down Gemma.

I licked Gemma’s wrist, closing the punctures. “God, I feel drunk.”

“Me too,” Gemma giggled. “I haven’t eaten that much sugar in one sitting in years!”

“Unfortunately I’m not drunk enough to forget about Petra’s impending death schedule.”

“Do you believe her?” Gemma asked, examining her wrist.

“I have no clue what to think. Oh God, did I take too much blood?” I asked, concerned.

“You can’t,” she said.

“How do you know?”

“I’m not sure.” Gemma licked the spoon, put it back in the carton and started humming ‘ABC’.

“Her blood replaces itself immediately,” The Kev said with pride. Did he just run his hand over her bottom?

“Are you sure?” I asked him.

“Yes, I’m sure. It’s nothing I can explain, it’s just something I know.” He smiled down at Gemma and touched her hair. She blushed.

Could she not see that he was wearing obscenely short teal running shorts? Teal women’s running shorts? He’d paired these with a sunshine yellow wife beater and a royal blue bandana on his head. This was the finest example of love is blind that I’d ever seen.

“Watch it,” Pam snarled, entering the room and shoving me off the couch with her big ol’ butt. “Gemma is not human. I don’t know what in the hell she is, but it ain’t mortal.” She picked up the ice cream and took up where Gem had left off. “You know what that means for Assssstrid here?” she demanded from all three of us.

“No,” I groaned, “but I can just bet you’re gonna tell us.”

“Yes, Assbag, I am,” she said with a mouthful of Black Raspberry Chip. “It means you still have not had mortal blood and I have absofuckinlutely no idea what we may have turned you into.”

“Well,” The Kev hesitated, looking everywhere but at Pam, “she’s shown strength—at times equal to mine—but she can’t maintain it,” he quickly added.

“What did you say?” Pam bellowed at him, slamming the ice cream down on the coffee table.

“She can’t maintain it,” he insisted.

“You,” she pointed at The Kev, “are a two thousand year old Fairy. There is no way in hell she can come close to your strength.”

“She shouldn’t be able to, but she can,” he muttered, fussing with his do-rag.

“You’re two thousand?” I asked. “I thought you were fifteen hundred.”

“Oh, for the gosh of sakes, everyone shaves a few hundred years off their age after a certain point. Just ask Pam.”

“Don’t ask Pam nothin’,” she spat. “You freakin’ Fairies are so full of shit. You should have told me she was as strong as you. Give me your hand.”

I did.

She produced a wicked-looking blade out of thin air and sliced into my palm before I even knew what happened. Gemma shrieked and tried to save me from further butchering, but The Kev held her back. I screamed in pain and tried to grab the knife from Pam, but it disappeared as quickly as it had appeared.

“Look at your hand,” Pam demanded, snapping me out of my pain-induced haze. While it definitely bled, it was closing up immediately.

“Oh my God,” I gasped. “I heal like an old, old Vampyre.”

“Yep,” Pam said, staring daggers at The Kev. “How much Fairy blood has she had?”

“A lot,” he admitted, “but she needed it. I beat her up good.” He smiled gently at me, like a proud father. “She’s an excellent fighter now and she is controlling her Magic beautifully. As soon as she has weapons training she will be able to go against the best. Eventually she will be unbeatable. She will become a master.”

“She’d better,” Pam grunted, “because with all her fuckin’ bells and whistles, quite a few Vamps are going to want a piece of her.”

“We don’t know that for sure,” The Kev said hopefully.

“Yes... yes, we do,” Pam said so quietly I almost missed it.

Gemma sat on the couch looking pale and confused. I suppose I’d be thrown for a loop if I watched my best friend get sliced and found out the guy/Fairy I was crushing on was two thousand years old. I mean, what the fu... ?

Not only that, I knew she was having a tough time with my friendship with Venus. I needed to get them together, but both of them were being butts about it.

“Okay, both of you need to relax your cracks,” I said to The Kev and Pam. “I’m strong and magical and loaded with the potential to have every Vampyre I meet for the rest of my very unnaturally long life want to kick my ass or kill me. Whatever. What I’m concerned and freaked about is my mother.”

“Oh good God, that woman is pure evil.” Pam threw her hands in the air and fell back on the couch.

“She scares The Kev,” he muttered, pacing around the room.

“Do you think she knows?” Gemma asked me.

“I do. I really think she knows I’m a Vampyre, but that’s impossible.”

“No,” Pam said. “It’s not impossible, and she definitely knows.”

“Is she really going to die on Friday?” I could feel the tears welling up. Why did I even care? She wouldn’t give a shit if I died.

“You’re right, she wouldn’t,” Pam said.

“What? You can read my mind now?” I practically screamed at her.

“No,” she said, reaching out for me, “your face.”

I went to her. Pam had been more of a mother to me in the month I’d known her than Petra had been my entire life. Pam’s love may have been filled with wicked-looking knives and swear words delivered at decibels guaranteed to make your ears bleed, but it was real and from her heart. No matter how disrespectful and bratty I was with her, I adored her and loved her fiercely.

I curled myself up in Pam’s lap. I thought about sinking my fangs into her for comfort, but I felt like a tick after feeding from Gemma.

“Is she going to want me to change her into a Vampyre? Is that what she meant by not fucking up?” I sniffed.

“No,” Pam said quietly. A quiet Pam was not something I was comfortable with. I listened carefully. “No,” she repeated, “she can’t become a Vampyre. It would destroy her.”

“How do you know that?” I asked, confused.

“Trust me.” She turned me so our eyes met. “I know.”

There was more to this story, but Pam only revealed what she wanted, when she wanted.

“Is this one of those Angel things?” I asked, not daring to press it further.

She considered me carefully. I could tell she was weighing how much to say. She settled for, “Yes.”

“Well then, what am I not supposed to fuck up?”

The Kev put his head into his hands. Gemma put her arms around his shoulders and held him tight. Pam stared into space.

“I wish I knew,” she said. “I really fuckin’ wish I knew.”

Chapter Twelve

My monsters were shocked and appalled. This was not part of our normal routine. They were pissed at me for waking them up at 8:00 AM. They shouted and screamed and flipped me off. Who knew that a change of schedule would turn them into such cranky little turds? I returned the middle finger salute and rolled out of my bed with superhuman, or rather, super non-human effort. I wasn’t happy to get up either. I was in the middle of a very graphic sex dream about that bad Vampyre. I just couldn’t get rid of him.

Getting up in the morning for a new Vampyre was a terrible thing. A very terrible thing. We were supposed to sleep during the day because we were stronger at night. We weren’t dead during the day and alive at night. We were dead all the time—we just liked to sleep when the sun was up because we tended to get crispy.

I was going back to work at the senior center today. I was informed that if I took anymore sick days from my art classes, my very old and talkative students were coming to my house to take care of me. That alone scared the shit out of me. So I was going in. I was fairly sure I wouldn’t eat anyone. Pam assured me I would be fine.

I tried to get an evening meeting, but apparently people over eighty-nine hit the hay at 6:00 PM sharp. Right about the time my monsters and I usually got up.

Pam laughed as I entered the kitchen. I couldn’t blame her—I’d be laughing too if I wasn’t so damn tired. I had on sweat pants and tennis shoes, a long sleeve turtleneck, a big floppy hat, sunglasses and my old boyfriend’s soccer goalie gloves from high school. To make things worse my face, the only skin exposed, was covered in thick white sunscreen. I was hot, as in sweaty not sexy. It was June, for God’s sake, and I was dressed for winter weather. However, the floppy hat and sunglasses slightly evened up my outfit’s chances for qualifying as summer attire.

Who was I kidding? I looked like a dork.

Thank God Almighty other Vampyres weren’t out during the day. I’d die if one of them saw me looking like this. Especially Ethan. Stop thinking about him. He’s a bad, bad Vampyre. I just wish I didn’t feel all tingly when I pictured his face... or his butt.

“Well, Asscan,” Pam gloated, “I don’t envy you.” She laughed and put down copies of my tax returns. Was nothing sacred? “You should probably think about a new career.”

“I’d make a great night watchman,” I snapped.

“There’s always phone sex,” she offered.

“Yep,” I replied and nailed her with a pillow. I grabbed my new Prada purse, and the keys to my old Toyota and headed for the front door.

“Have fun with the old folks,” Pam yelled after me.

I saluted her with my middle finger and left. I could hear her laughing all the way to my car.

* * *

“Did you get your boobs done?” Charlie asked, reaching out to cop a feel.

“No, I did not,” I said, swiftly moving out of Charlie’s grab range. “And if you try to grab my boob again I will yank that toupee off your head so fast you won’t know what hit you.”

“Awww, come on, give an old geezer a break,” he moaned, adjusting his false teeth and giving me a cute leer.

I slapped a wad of clay in front of him and moved on to the next row. Being back at the senior center felt good. I loved these cranky old bastards. Well, most of them. I could even kind of pretend I wasn’t a bloodsucking Vampyre for a couple of hours. Well, except for the fact I was covered in sunscreen and covered up like an Amish woman. Thank Jesus most of the class was practically blind. “Where are Martha and Jane?” I asked, dreading the answer.

No one said a word. They feebly beat on their clay and avoided eye contact with me. Oh shit. My stomach dropped to my toes. I hated those old bitches, but... “Did they die?” I asked in a tiny voice.

“Too mean to die,” an old gal whose name I could never remember yelled from the back of the room.

“They’re on the crapper,” cute little Niecey informed me. She was about four and a half feet tall with a shock of white hair that stood straight up on her head. “Been there for two days.”

A few in the class snickered. WTF?

“Do the nurses know?” I asked Niecey.

“Yep, said it’s their own damn fault,” she grinned, shaping her clay into a penis.

“Okay, um... why’s it their fault?” I asked, removing the phallus from her hands and giving her a new hunk of clay.

“Because they’re gonna try out for American Idol,” she told me, as if that made sense.

“I like cheese,” Charlie yelled.

“That’s great,” I told Charlie. “What does sitting on the toilet and trying out for American Idol have to do with each other?”

“Your bosom looks wonderful,” Niecey said, ignoring my question and creating another penis. I had to stop letting them play with clay. “We were so worried about you. That skinny bitch subbed for you and told us she hoped you got fired for cussin’ all the time.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” I was gonna rip that skinny, skank born-again loser a new one. She’d been after my job for months.

“Yay,” Charlie yelled. “I just won five bucks!”

“Fine,” Niecey huffed, handing the money over.

“Told you she’d say fuck within the first ten minutes!” Charlie was thrilled. I noticed he’d made a set of knockers with his clay, or maybe it was testicles.

“Shit, did I say fuck?”

“Five more bucks,” he shouted.

Oh my God, he was taking bets on my potty mouth... and winning.

“Niecey, why’d you take a bet you knew you were going to lose?” I asked, handing her some paper and charcoals and removing another clay penis from her hands.

“Charlie’s cute,” she whispered. “I want to get in his pants.”

Had I still been able to eat, I would have thrown it back up at the mention of Charlie in a sexual way. He had no teeth and no hair and was fond of grabbing any breast within reach. “Oookay, that sounds like a plan. Can you tell me why Martha and Jane have been in the bathroom for two days?”

“Laxatives!” She burst into laughter.

“Explain,” I said, grinning. I had no idea what in the hell she was talking about, but her laugh was contagious.

“I can’t,” Niecey snorted, unable to stop.

“They snuck into the kitchen and ate all the pies,” Mrs. Jenkins, a bulldozer of a little old lady shouted, throwing her clay at Charlie. Clearly he’d tried to adjust her lady bits.

“And?” I prompted, moving Charlie to the corner for his own safety.

“They have big plans to be rock stars on American Idol, but since they ate too much pie they felt fat,” Charlie said, placing his hand on my ass. I took Charlie’s hands and tied them to the chair with craft yarn. “Dang it, Astrid, how am I supposed to get some if I’m all tied up?”

“You’re not supposed to get anything in here except art lessons,” I snapped. “Finish the story.”

“Can I touch your butt again if I do?” he negotiated.

“Possibly.”

“Great!” he grinned. “They felt fat from the pies and have a tryout coming up, so they took an ass-load of laxatives to get skinny before they become stars.”

“Did you intend that pun?” I asked.

“What’s a pun?”

“Oookay, let me get this straight. Martha and Jane are trying out for American Idol, stole and ate pies from the kitchen, felt fat, took a wad of laxatives to get their figures back and are shitting their brains out as I speak.”

“She said shit,” Mrs. Jenkins bellowed. “I win ten dollars.”

I ignored her.

“That’s about right,” Charlie said. “Can I touch your butt now?”

“Sure.” I untied his hands and let him touch it for three seconds. “Aren’t they a little old to try out for American Idol?” They were ninety if they were a day.

“Don’t let them hear you say that,” Charlie whispered. “I only have one gonad left because I told them the same damn thing.”

“Has anyone checked on them?” I scanned the class.

“Nope, I’m not going near the ladies’ restroom,” Niecey said, still laughing.

“Hear it smells like road kill in ninety degree weather on that side of the building,” Charlie added and then blanched. The room went silent and I knew the killjoys had arrived.

“Hello, Astrid, we hoped you’d quit,” Martha said, gripping the door with her gnarled old claws.

Holy hell, they looked bad. They never looked good, but today they looked particularly not good.

“What in the hell happened to you?” Jane barked. “You look like a shiny albino.”

Of course Jane and Martha’s vision was outstanding... these two could suck the life out of anything. Considering I didn’t have one anymore... life, that is... I decided to play.

“I have a sun allergy. Heard you two had a little poopchute problem.”

They cast an evil glance around the room. “No, we’re fine,” Jane snapped. “What sort of unnecessary crap are you teaching us today?”

“I wouldn’t use the word crap if I were you. I’d think you’d had enough of that,” Niecey muttered under her breath. Charlie gave her a thumbs up and she blushed with delight.

“Shut up,” Martha hissed. “You are all worthless bags of flesh. We are going to be stars and leave you to rot in this disgusting redneck hellhole.”

“Well that’s lovely,” I smiled. “Are you going to join us today? I’d be happy to push a table over by the door, just in case you have to make a run for it.”

“Your days are numbered, you foul-mouthed piece of trash.” Jane shook her fist at me.

God, it would be so easy to flick my fingers and leave them bald and toothless and in their underpants. I was pretty sure using my new bloodsucker powers against old human ladies would be frowned upon, no matter how vile they were.

“Good thing you got an inheritance from that grandma of yours, because you’re gonna need it when they fire you for disgusting behavior and lack of skill,” Jane spat.

“She didn’t have a brain in her head, leaving you all that money. Stupid woman,” Martha added.

That was about all I could take. I’d been putting up with their shit—pun intended—for years. They could say whatever they wanted about me, but my Nana? Game over. They want to hear foul-mouthed? No prob. “Okay, well since I’m out of a job here soon why don’t you have a seat and work with your clay. If your old, saggy asses are too sore from shitting your brains out, you can stand. The assignment is to create a piece of fucking art that means something to you. Something that tells us about who you are. Niecey has made a penis and Charlie is working on some boobs, or possibly testicles. Mrs. Jenkins, what are you working on?”

“A whip and handcuffs,” she replied, giving me a wink.

“Oh my God,” Jane gasped, “this is sinful.”

“These aren’t boobs or testicles,” Charlie chimed in, holding his mound of misshapen clay up. “They’re ben wa balls!”

“That’s wonderful,” I said, giving him a high five and letting him touch my butt again.

“You are a spawn of the devil and probably a Democrat,” Martha shouted. She turned a very unbecoming shade of purple.

“Maybe,” I grinned, “but in my class, there’s a separation of church and state and bullshit. So I’d suggest you sit down, pick up your clay and make something that is a part of you... or was a part of you.”

“Like a pie or a pile of shit!” came a voice from the back of the room. Damn, I needed to learn that gal’s name... she was hilarious.

Surprisingly, at the end of my class I didn’t get fired, but the powers that be did ask me to watch my mouth. So much in my life was changing so fast that my little job at the senior center felt like the last part of me that was hanging on to my humanity—and I needed that.

Chapter Thirteen

There were people in my house and they were very unhappy. Unhappy with me? Unhappy with each other? Shit, after the day I’d had, could I not have one normal evening? Ever?

It smelled like lemons and grapefruit. Normally yummy smells, but not tonight. They were acrid and bitter. I was beginning to identify scents with their matching emotions, a very handy talent for someone with my bionic sniffing abilities. What I was smelling now qualified as jealousy and a little anxiety, mixed with distrust.

I plastered myself against the wall moving slowly to my den, worried that the emotions might be aimed at me. God forbid I’d need to defend myself. The Kev was convinced that I would be one of the great Vampyre warriors of my time. The Kev also thought silver stretch pants were high fashion.

I rounded the corner expecting to see zombies or werewolves or some other unbelievable entity like that, but it was worse. It was Gemma and Venus.

Together.

Gemma and Venus sat on opposite sides of the room and eyed each other warily. I felt like I’d gotten caught cheating with two guys at the same time. I hadn’t planned on them meeting each other without me present, but this kind of situation was par for the course in my life lately.

Venus was surrounded by garment bags, shoe boxes, and shopping bags all labeled Prada. Gemma was armed with chips, extra hot salsa, and an available wrist. What were the odds? Two of my favorite people with my favorite things in the world, and I had to choose? Shitballs.

I knew if I truly had to choose, it would be Gemma. Even though Venus and I had become very close, Gemma was my best friend. I prayed that I wouldn’t have to choose. I was sure we could work all this out. Maybe my confidence came from the fact that I was a materialistic bitch who wanted my cake (Venus and the Prada) and to eat it, too (Gemma and the chips and salsa flavored blood).

“Hey guys,” I yelled, hoping the sheer volume of my voice would distract them from their intense staring contest. No such luck. Damn, volume always worked for Pam.

“Hey hot mammas,” I shouted as loud as I could, “I see you’ve finally met! That’s fantastic!”

Well that did it. They stopped staring at each other and refocused their killer laser beams on me. They stared at me like I’d grown three heads and dangly parts. Both of them started to speak at once. I heard...

“I got hot salsa and the Warrior Prince is a formal taco stand. I brought clothes in shades of Black Raspberry Chip ice cream kind of melted but the stilettos should fit and it doesn’t matter how much blood you drink because you don’t have to wear pantyhose in the summer because if you get full they itch.”

They stopped and glared at each other.

“Oookay, that was seriously confusing, especially the part about the Warrior Prince being a taco stand,” I laughed, trying to thaw the icy chill in the room.

Ahh... nothing like laughing alone. Again.

“Okay look, I can’t deal with this shit right now. My morning consisted of getting my ass and boobs grabbed by an eighty-eight year old man while his wannabe gal pal made clay penises. That was nothing compared to the two mean old bags who took wads of laxatives due to an overconsumption of stolen pie. Of course they did this because they felt too bloated for their American Idol audition. They’re ninety.”

Silence. What in the hell did I have to do to catch a break? Time for a new approach.

“Gemma, I love you. I’ve loved you since we were four,” I said to a smiling Gemma, but before Venus could pitch a fit, I continued. “And Venus, I am adoring you tons, and really quickly too. Normally it takes me years to trust somebody, but I let you in immediately. I plan to love you for hundreds, even thousands of years.” Venus smiled and shot Gemma a nanner look.

“Hold it right there, little missy.” I busted Venus. “Don’t get too uppity. While Gemma may be mortal, she’s also something else. What exactly, I have no idea, but she could potentially be with us for hundreds or thousands of years. I personally hope like crazy that she will be. So we shall become a trio.”

They both groaned.

“That’s right... we will be the Three Musketeers of the Vampyre and Whatever-Gemma- Turns-Out-to-Be-World.” I clapped my hands three times and did a cheerleader herkie jump, causing both of them to gape at me in horror.

“Screw you,” I defended myself. “I was really good at those in high school. I have the trophies to prove it.” Doubling over in pain I muttered, “Shit, I think I pulled something.”

“Dude, that was twelve years ago,” Gemma blurted, trying to muffle her laughter. Venus didn’t even try. She just started guffawing. Of course, this gave Gemma permission to lose it, and she did. Which in turn, led them to high five each other and roll all over the floor laughing uncontrollably.

“It wasn’t that funny,” I shouted. My outburst only served to make them laugh louder and harder. God, if I’d only known that maiming myself would have brought them together, I’d have damaged myself sooner.

“Are you through?” I asked them. The joy they were taking in my self-inflicted bodily harm was starting to piss me off.

“Are you okay?” Venus asked, lying on the floor with Gemma’s head on her stomach.

“No, I’m not,” I said, limping to my couch. “You two need to get up and be kind to me,” I pouted. They both crawled over and sat on either side of me.

“Gemma and Venus,” I said, “now that you’ve bonded over my pain and humiliation, we’re all going to be friends.”

“Fine,” they said in unison.

“Actually,” Venus volunteered, “I’ve researched you, Gemma, and I’m aware of your love of Prada. It seems equal to Astrid’s.” I cleared my throat and gave Venus the eyeball. “Mine too,” she giggled. “I may have a little something in here that might interest you... ”

Venus dug through the bags, pulled out a beaded clutch and a black miniskirt from this season worth a small fortune and handed them to Gemma.

“Oh. My. God,” Gemma gasped, grabbed Venus by her shoulders and laid a big wet one on her cheek. “I am deeply, irrevocably, and materialistically in love with you.” I watched her wheels turn. She got even more excited, if that was possible, “Venus, what was your favorite food?”

Venus paused for a moment, surprised at the odd question, “Well, I’ve been a Vampyre for over two hundred years. When I was a mortal, food wasn’t very good.”

When in the hell wasn’t food good? She caught our gazes and looked down.

“I was a slave ... food was sparse.” She paused and regrouped. “But I do remember grapes. I had them once or twice and they were delicious.”

Gemma and I sat in silence. My vision blurred as my eyes filled and I noticed Gemma’s nose turn red. Sure signs that we were about to cry.

“Stop,” Venus said, putting her hand up, “it was a long time ago, and even though my human life was hell, I avenged myself and my brothers and sisters sufficiently. Trust me, those who treated me and mine like animals died like animals.”

I supposed I was getting jaded about death. Possibly because I myself was dead, but I gotta say Venus’ story had a happy ending for me.

“I want to do something for you,” Gemma said to Venus and then quickly left the room.

“Is she okay?”

“You bet,” I grinned. “She is going to blow your mind.” Venus looked alarmed. “In a good way,” I quickly added.

Gemma came back to the den with both red and green grapes in a bowl, “Which ones do you remember?”

“Is this a joke?” Venus growled. “You are aware I can’t taste any of that.” Her fangs descended and her eyes glowed green. I was glad I was seated between them. Gemma wouldn’t stand a chance against a two hundred year old Vampyre. Come to think of it, neither would I.

“It’s not a joke. Which ones? Red or green?” Gemma asked without an ounce of fear or concern.

“Red,” Venus said, trying to calm herself.

Gemma popped a bunch of red grapes into her mouth, chewed and swallowed, “It works with Astrid,” she told Venus with her mouth full. “I’m guessing it will work with you too.” She popped a few more grapes into her mouth and wedged herself in next to Venus. She held out her wrist. “Drink.”

Venus cautiously took her wrist, brought it to her lips and bit. Almost immediately her eyes grew wide and tears soon followed. She took several long swallows and reverently released Gemma’s wrist, closing the wound with her tongue. Venus dropped to her knees before Gemma and whispered, “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” Gemma hugged her. “You can’t tell anyone. I don’t want a group of Vamps on my front porch with their favorite food in hand.”

“You have my word,” Venus laughed, wiping her eyes. “By the way, you’re only a small percentage human.”

“How do you know?” Gemma asked.

“Your blood gives me an unusual rush. I feel more powerful.” Venus was awed even further by Gemma.

“Do you know what she is?” I asked excitedly.

“No, that’s not one of my gifts. The only Vampyre capable of definitively identifying species by blood is our King,” Venus said.

“And he comes by... what? Every century or so?”

“Pretty much,” Venus laughed.

“You know what?” Gemma interjected, “I’m just getting used to the fact that I may not be what I thought I was. I’m not sure I’m ready to know what I am.”

“Got it,” Venus said.

“So,” I eyed the bags and boxes, “what are all those things for?”

“Don’t you mean who are all those things for?” Venus teased.

“Yes,” I said slowly, “that is what I meant, but I didn’t want to seem like a materialistic Prada whore.”

“But you are a materialistic Prada whore,” Gemma chimed in. Venus grunted in agreement.

“True,” I admitted, “but being one and copping to it are two entirely different things.”

“They’re for you,” Venus happily informed me.

Oh my God, somebody was screaming bloody murder. I whipped my head around to Gemma. Her mouth was closed. Venus? Mouth closed. Me? Not so much. Need to stop screaming now.

“You done?” Venus asked, tentatively removing her hands from her ears.

“Yes,” I answered, not quite sure if I was telling the truth. “Is there a reason for my windfall of Prada?”

“Oh yes, my friend,” Venus answered, sounding serious. “I am here to formally invite you to the Cressida House in the Haven of Kentucky. You are to be inducted and accepted into the North American Dominion of Vampyres.”

“What exactly does that mean? I thought I already belonged to the Cressida House.”

“You do. This is your formal induction because the Prince will be here. Basically it means you get dressed up in really hot clothes and go to a great party.”

“Cool,” I smiled, “do I get to keep the clothes?”

“You bet,” she grinned and continued. “You will be presented to the Warrior Prince at the Congregant tomorrow night.”

“What’s a Congregant?” Gemma asked.

“It’s a trial,” I answered her. “Wait, tomorrow night?”

“Yep,” Venus said to me and turned back to Gemma. “It is a trial, but it’s much more. At the Congregant Vampyres with grievances may bring them before the Warrior Prince to be mediated and those accused of crimes will be sentenced.”

“To jail?” Gemma asked.

“To death,” Venus replied.

“Good God,” I butted in, “there’s no chance I’ll get sentenced to anything by trying to become a member of your club, is there?”

“No,” Venus laughed and tossed me a garment bag.

The three of us started flipping through the Prada as Venus got us up to speed on the bizarre world of Vampyre politics. The Warrior Prince would also be adding to his Elite Guard unit during the Congregant. This was one of the most prestigious positions a Vampyre could aspire to, especially one from the Cressida House.

The Cressida House’s main function was to train Vampyres to protect the Warrior Prince and the Royal Family. The Elite Guard consisted of thirty Vampyres, but word had it they were going to increase the number to thirty-four, possibly because of the Rogue Vampyre activity. God, that reminded me, I had never told Venus about the Vampyres I saw in the graveyard. I was sure they were Rogues. If I told her, I’d have to explain too many other things that Pam and The Kev didn’t want me to share. Shit.

“In order to join the Cressida House, a Vampyre must swear their loyalty to the Warrior Prince with a blood oath,” Venus said solemnly.

“Wait,” I said, forgetting all about the Rogues and dropped a smokin’ hot strapless black Prada dress to the floor. “I thought a blood exchange between Vampyres meant they were mated.”

Venus laughed and picked up the small fortune I’d so carelessly discarded, “No, you’re only mated if you drink from each other. A blood oath consists of slicing palms and grasping hands with the Warrior Prince.” She paused, thinking. “It is intimate, but it’s not even close to mating.”

“Thank God,” I said, slipping on a pair of drop dead stilettos. “Do I look good enough to go to the ball and meet Prince Charming?”

Gemma giggled, but Venus’ tone was serious, “Astrid, you cannot make light of the Warrior Prince. He is the most trusted and sacred leader we have. He is fair and kind and very ethical in a world where that’s very uncommon. It’s okay to be silly with me, but that’s as far as it can go. You can get in unspeakable trouble for talking ill of him. Soon you will love him and honor him as I do.”

“So we just slice palms and high five?” I teased her.

Venus rolled her eyes and nodded. “The Prince can drink directly from a subject during initiation. It would be considered an honor above all honors. It is very rare,” she continued, “and has never happened in the North American Dominion and probably never will.”

“What if he did drink from someone?” Gemma asked.

“Well,” Venus thought for a moment, “among other things they’d be halfway to a mating.”

“How romantic,” Gemma gushed.

I rolled my eyes, “So our Warrior Prince isn’t mated? Is he ugly?”

“No,” Venus practically spit, “he is definitely not ugly. The farthest thing from it. He is beyond gorgeous and beyond unavailable according to one of his top guards.”

“Oh, so he’s gay?”

Venus choked. Gemma slammed her on the back.

“Oh my God,” Venus gurgled, “he’s as straight as an arrow. His guards are male and female. The top aide I’m referring to is a female.”

“He’s not mated to her?” I asked.

“Nope, and she’s been guarding him for over a hundred years,” Venus gossiped.

“Get. Out. Of. Town.” I laughed, “That man is one hundred percent available.”

“What do you mean?” Gemma asked.

“If he had wanted to mate with his security female, he already would have. I mean... my God, if I dated or schtupped a guy for over a hundred years without a commitment that would make me a pathetic loser!” I was on a roll. “I’d have kicked his ass to the curb after fifty years.”

“Dude, you are so right,” Gemma agreed, slapped me a high five and hummed ‘Wanna be Startin’ Somethin’.

“Venus, don’t leave me hangin’, baby,” I said as I put my hand up for her to slap.

“You are one crazy Vampyre,” Venus laughed as she slapped me five.

“But you love me, don’t you?” I challenged with a big, shit-eating grin on my face.

“I do,” she laughed, shaking her head. “God help me, I do.”

Chapter Fourteen

You are H-O-T hot, I thought as I hung out in the Grand Foyer of the Cressida House, admiring my babysitter.

“I’m sorry?” he said with a twinkle in his gorgeous blue eyes.

Oh hell, did I say that out loud? Shit, shit, shit. I mean, he’s gorgeous, but I don’t want him to think I was checking him out... even though I was. That would be sexist and wrong and rude. God, what in the hell is wrong with me? He is not a piece of meat. He is a very nice, very handsome Vampyre guy who is showing me the ropes and he’s going to think I’m a crazy slut. I can’t believe I said the hot thing out loud.

“Actually you didn’t,” he grinned. “One of my gifts is mind reading.”

“Holy hell,” I gasped, mortified. “Did you hear all of that?”

“Yes,” he laughed. “And thank you.”

“Oh my God,” I pleaded. “Is there an off switch?”

“Yes,” he said slowly, “but with where your mind seems to be going, I’m loath to tell you.”

“Please?” I gave him a flirty smile. He returned the favor with a killer smile of his own. Were those dimples? Damn it, I loved dimples.

“Alright, but there’s a price,” he teased.

“What’s the price?” I asked, hoping it had something to do with my lips on his.

“If you keep having thoughts like that,” he informed me, grabbing his chest as if his heart was breaking, “there’s no way I’ll let you close me out of your mind.”

“Sorry,” I giggled. Damn, he was beautiful and sweet and silly with a fantastic ass and...

“Enough! You’re killing me,” he grinned. “Close your eyes.”

I did.

“Now visualize heavy metal doors, similar to garage doors. Reach for them and slowly pull them down. When you have closed all the doors, visualize heavy metal locks and lock them.”

I did.

“Is that it?” I opened my eyes in surprise.

“Yep,” he smiled, “that’s it.”

“Is it working?” I asked.

“I don’t know. Think of something wickedly sexual, something I would absolutely have to react to... and we’ll see.”

Were all male Vampyres perverts? I envisioned something very naked, very sweaty and very vocal between the beautiful Vampyre and myself. I watched him closely for a reaction. Nothing. Thank God.

“What if I want you inside me?” I asked.

“Oh my sweet, you only have to ask,” he said. His eyes turned green and he laughed.

“Shit,” I blurted, “that came out totally wrong. I am so sorry. I didn’t mean inside... I mean, um, I meant my head. Inside my head.”

“I know what you meant,” he sighed, “but a man can always hope.”

If I could still blush, I’d be a tomato.

“If you want me inside you,” he teased as I rolled my eyes in embarrassment, “just unlock the doors and open them.”

“It’s that easy?” I asked.

“It’s that easy,” he replied with another beautiful smile. “Now Astrid, do you know what to do when you go into the ballroom?” he asked, changing the subject.

“Kind of,” I said, “but I’m at a loss.”

“A loss?”

“Yes,” I said slowly, “you know my name, but I don’t know yours.”

He paused and stared at me for a long moment. “Do you promise not to laugh?” he asked, the twinkle back in his eyes.

“With a set-up like that, I’m not sure,” I said, really liking this guy.

“Would you like to guess?” he asked.

“Rumplestiltskin?” I teased.

“Nope.”

“Herman?”

“Definitely not,” he shot back. “It’s Heathcliff.”

“Really?” I tried to stifle my giggles.

“Really,” he smiled. “My mother was a huge Wuthering Heights fan, and also a good friend of Emily Bronte.”

“My Nana loved Emily Bronte too. So you must be... ?”

“One hundred and forty,” he answered, watching my face for a reaction. He got one.

“Sorry,” I stammered, “it’s hard to wrap my head around that. You don’t look a day over thirty,” I added hastily.

“In mortal years, I was twenty-seven when my father changed me.”

That stopped me. “Your father?” I was astonished. “Vampyres can’t have children.”

“It’s a long story. He fathered my sister and me when he was mortal. He and my mother were changed when we were babies. My mother didn’t make it. My father was devastated, but he raised us and loved us. He waited until my sister and I were in our twenties and then gave us the option. We took it.”

“So your real biological family is still alive?” I was awestruck.

“Yes,” he said with pride, “other than the Royal Family, we’re the only biological Vampyre family.”

“Just don’t tell me your sister’s name is Catherine,” I joked.

“Okay,” he said sheepishly, “I won’t.”

“Get. Out. Of. Town.” I started laughing. “You’re kidding!”

“Nope, it’s Catherine. She goes by Cathy... you can meet her later. And yes, we take a lot of crap about our names. She is one of the Elite Guard for the Warrior Prince, as am I.”

“Where’s your dad?” I asked this one hundred and forty year old man who looked my age.

“He’s the leading scholar of Vampyre History and resides with our King. I believe they’re in Italy at the moment. They’ll be visiting the North American Dominion within the month,” he said, taking my hand and leading me to a settee.

“Astrid, when you enter the Grand Ballroom,” Heathcliff coached, “keep your eyes downcast until the Warrior Prince speaks to you.”

I was so glad he couldn’t read my mind, because that sounded like backward-ass feudal bullshit to me. Venus told me I had to behave, so behave I would.

“Okay Astrid,” he said. God, he was dreamy. “Someone will be out for you shortly. I have to go in now.” He squeezed my hand and turned to leave.

“Heathcliff,” I called after him.

“Yes?”

“Where do you live?” Hell, could I be more transparent?

He stopped and smiled, clearly delighted with my question. “I live wherever the Warrior Prince lives, but we stay in Kentucky often.” He winked at me, turned and left.

God, why couldn’t I have a boyfriend like that? I was sure I’d just embarrassed myself. There was no way someone who looked like that didn’t already have a girlfriend or ten or twenty.

Why in the world were all the Vampyres so good looking? Everything about the Vampyre world was exquisite—the Vampyres themselves, their homes, their clothes, their asses. For God’s sake, there was another one at the top of the stairs. From this distance he looked like a Greek god come to life.

The Cressida House might be gorgeous, but nowhere near as stunning as the Vampyre descending the Grand Staircase. God, this one may be better than Heathcliff. His name had to be Romeo or Fabio. He was the finest looking man I’d ever seen. Talk about hot, that guy could melt the polar icecap. He was so hot, he could melt panties... so hot that he could... wait. Holy hell, I knew him. Shit, shit, shit.

It was Ethan. My heart bounced around in my chest like a Ping-Pong ball. He was headed my way, the crazy Rogue killer Vampyre I’d been fantasizing about day and night. How in the world did he look better than I remembered? That wasn’t fair. Whatever. It didn’t matter how good-looking he was. It couldn’t erase the fact that he tried to kill me.

I frantically glanced around the foyer. Why wasn’t anyone around? If I ran he’d definitely notice and if I transported away, I’d probably be put to death by the Prince. Either way I end up deader than I already am. Shit, can’t I ever catch a break without being killed? Maybe he won’t see me if I stand really still. That’s stupid. Please God, let him walk right by and not notice that I’m standing next to the door that he’s moving toward. Please, please, please... damn.

He stopped dead in his tracks about six feet from me. He started at my stiletto clad feet, sliding slowly up my bare legs, pausing at my breasts that were firmly hugged by my black strapless Prada. From there his eyes traveled lazily to my neck, my lips, and finally my eyes. I saw delight and something I couldn’t define flash in his beautiful gold eyes as recognition hit. He recovered quickly, much quicker than I did.

“Hello Angel, you’ve been on my mind,” he said, walking toward me.

“Interesting. My mind erased you—and Angel’s not my name. Gotta go,” I mumbled, moving down the hallway at a sprint. Away from the ballroom and away from him. I’m supposed to meet the freakin’ Warrior Prince, not get murdered by a hot Rogue Vampyre.

Door, door, door... where in the hell was a door? If I could find a closet or a bathroom... wait. Did they even have bathrooms here? I mean, they don’t use them. For a place so huge you’d think they’d at least have a stupid closet, for shit’s sake.

I quickly glanced over my shoulder. Great, I’d lost him. At least one thing had gone in my favor. Now I just needed to find a... door! Thank God! I threw myself into what turned out to be a bathroom, evidenced by the toilet I tripped over.

“Crap, that hurt,” I muttered, getting up off all fours and turning on the light. I glanced in the mirror, hoping that they had a special one that a Vampyre’s reflection showed up in.

Nope.

“Okay... ” I explained to no one as I adjusted my dress. Sprinting, strapless dresses and stilettos didn’t go well together. “I’ll just stay in here for a few minutes and then find my way back. Hopefully Mr. Hot Pants Killer will be gone. I can meet the Prince, slit my wrist, get this stupid medieval bullshit over with and get the hell out of here.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

“Holy shit,” I screeched, hopping my butt up on the counter. Very poorly thought out move on my part as my ass landed in the sink. How did I not know he was in here? Damn, I sucked as a Vampyre. “Did you even think about knocking?”

“No,” Ethan grinned. “I find the element of surprise to be helpful, Angel.”

“I told you that’s not my name,” I insisted. I tried un-wedge my rear end, but a butt in a sink is a butt in a sink.

“No, it may not be,” he said, moving just a little bit closer, “but that’s what I think I shall call you.”

“What are you doing here?” I asked, changing the subject and hoping I didn’t look as ridiculous as I knew I did. “Did you and your Rogue friends get caught?”

He stared at me in amazed confusion for a moment. “Are you serious?” he asked.

“Of course I am, you dork.”

“Oh, little Angel,” he grinned with delight, “I’m not the Rogue. I’m the Rogue’s worst nightmare.”

“Really? How very Rambo of you,” I offered flatly. What was he? Some kind of Vampyre police? I was trying to keep my eyes on his face when they desperately wanted to roam his whole body, followed by my hands, then my mouth. Whoa there, Nelly. “So then I suppose you’re in trouble for ripping your sister’s limbs off?”

He laughed. Help me... he was even more beautiful when he laughed.

“I’m always in trouble, Angel,” he said, running his hand through his hair and watching me closely.

What was it with this guy? Heathcliff was as good looking as Ethan, but ol’ Heath didn’t make me want to rip my panties off. I couldn’t think straight when I was near this bad Vampyre. Damn it, if my ass wasn’t stuck in the sink I could make another run for it. He stopped inches from me. My insides started to tingle.

“You’re a mystery, little Angel.” With strong hands, he gently lifted me out of the sink and settled me on the counter. He slowly and deliberately ran his hands down my thighs. I had a burning desire to open them, trap him between them and make him see Jesus. What the fu... ?

I knocked his hands away and pressed myself against the mirror. I was hoping to put more than just a few inches between us. This murdering Vampyre was making me consider things no nice girl should ever consider—sex in a sink, for one.

He moved closer. I squeezed my eyes shut and pretended he was Charlie from the senior center. Not. Working. Shitfire. The seniors didn’t smell like he did. If he didn’t smell so damn good, I wouldn’t feel the need to knock him to the ground and ride him ‘til he was blind.

God, he really smelled like Heaven. I opened my eyes to find the sexiest killer alive a mere thought away from my lips. His eyes had changed from gold to green. He slowly ran his fingers down my neck and along my collarbone. I felt my nipples harden. His eyes flashed a brilliant green, and his lazy grin almost made me pass out. I was quite certain that he no longer wanted to kill me.

“Why are you here, Angel?”

He was so close I got confused. He was literally jumbling my brain. Was that his special Vampyre power, or was I just in heat? If he ran his fingers any closer to my traitorous boobs, I was going to have multiple orgasms. He smiled as if he knew what I was thinking.

“I have to go see your Warrior guy. Prince, thing... guy... .um... ” I mumbled.

“You must be in a lot of trouble.”

To my great dismay, I leaned into him. His lips feathered across mine and he made the sexiest sound I’d ever heard. Holy hell, he was making staying clothed very difficult.

“Why do you say that?” I gasped. He barely touched me, but if he did it again he was going to get slammed to the wall and manhandled by me. He’d probably love it, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to face myself in the mirror ever again. Wait... I couldn’t see myself in the mirror anyway. What if I just... NO. Ethan was a bad, bad sex-on-a-stick Vampyre man who tried to kill me. Am I so hard up that I need to suck face with a criminal? Well...

“Come back to me, Angel.” Ethan snapped me out of my fantasy with a twinkle in his eyes that led me to believe he definitely knew everything I was thinking. Shit. Was he a mind reader too?

“Why do you say I’m in so much trouble?” My voice sounded husky and far away. “You don’t even know if I did anything,” I said, frantically trying to close and lock the garage doors in my brain. All these Vampyres with gifts were killin’ me.

“Doesn’t matter. You’re his type,” Ethan said as his lips moved to my neck. Can’t think, can’t think, can’t think. I moaned.

My body melted as he lightly nipped and kissed my neck. I felt all noodley and he grabbed me before I fell back into the sink. Ethan pulled me to the edge of the counter, effectively lining up my lady parts with his very impressive man parts.

“What do you mean?” I whispered. I was quickly losing control of my modesty, not that I had that much to start with. But even I realized wrapping my legs around and pressing myself closer to a man I barely knew didn’t look so good. A man who until two minutes ago I thought might want to kill me. I didn’t even care. As crazy as it sounded, this psycho made me feel safe... or at least mind-alteringly horny. But what the hell did I know? I’d gotten hypnotized at a strip mall.

“You’re the Warrior Prince’s type,” he whispered into my ear, sending shivers straight to my girlie parts. “He’s been dead for so long, it’s rare for any woman to make him feel like a man.” He nipped my earlobe and I gasped. Dear God, I couldn’t remember my name. What’s my freakin’ name? “He’s too powerful, too feared—they treat him like a god instead of a man,” he continued to whisper and I continued to try to recall what people call me. “I don’t think you’re afraid of anything.” He ran his lips along my jaw, back to the corner of my mouth. I shuddered. What in the hell was he babbling about? Fear? Who?

His eyes bored into mine with an intensity that scared the hell out of me and made me want to tackle his ass at the same time, “I believe you could make him feel alive again.”

He grabbed my legs and inched me even closer. This was getting serious and I still couldn’t remember my stupid name. No getting away this time, even if I wanted to. I didn’t want to. I was crazy happy right where I was. I wove my hands into his hair, cupped the back of his head and pulled his lips to mine. His lips were soft and anything but gentle. He bit at my bottom lip, sucking it into his mouth. He teased my tongue with his own, sending little shockwaves through my body and waking up my very bad girl from her slumber. He tasted even better than he smelled. The pressure of him against me sent a hot heat coursing through my body. Turns out kissing a Vampyre was better than sex with a human one hundred times over.

Sex with him would be... deadly. Maybe literally, but I couldn’t bring myself to care. I just wanted to... but I can’t. Oh God, I still didn’t know my name. My brain cells flew out of my head with every touch, every lick every... Oh. My. God. His hands moved down and roughly grabbed my ass and ground me into an erection so impressive I damn near fainted. There was no doubt that he wanted me as much as I wanted him.

My barely-there thong was soaked and my body had taken over for my brain. Much to my great shock and secret delight I was grinding and writhing against the gorgeous Vampyre and I even... wait.

Astrid! My name is Astrid.

I was on the verge of breaking every rule I’d ever made for myself, but the gorgeous Vampyre was having a difficult time holding onto his control too. The sounds that were coming from deep in his body made my brain skitz out. I answered back with my own moans of pleasure. I melted against him, pliant and oh so willing. I knew if I died right now, I mean for real dead, I’d die happy.

The power I felt over him was as intoxicating as his kiss. I could do this forever. Whoa. What the fu... ? No, no, no. This is wrong... The burning in my gums led me to believe my fangs decided to show up and I wanted to bite him. Bad. That’s right, I wanted to bite him and drink from him. I wanted to sink my fangs into him and claim him as mine. Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine. But that would mean something... damn it, what did it mean if I bit him? If he hadn’t sucked out all my brain cells I could remember why it would be a bad idea.

Whatever. I was done trying to listen to my rational self. It was time to throw him to the floor and ride him like a cowboy. I didn’t care if the whole ballroom came out and watched me have sex in a bathroom with a killer Vampyre.

But wait... we were clearly not on the same page. Why did he stop? What in the hell was he saying? The pre-coital ringing in my ears made hearing anything but moans virtually impossible... was he actually talking? For real?

“The Prince will want you.”

“What?” The Prince will what?

“He will want you more than he’s ever wanted anything in his whole life. He will want you in his bed. Naked and pinned beneath him.”

I froze.

“That’s disgusting,” I practically spit. I pushed Ethan the Greek god, the man of every sexual fantasy I’d ever had, off of me. He stumbled back, surprised by my strength.

“What are you, his wingman? Scoping out new Vamp-meat for Prince Jackass? Taking me for a test run, you jerk?” I hissed, trying to block out the fact that less than a minute ago I was ready to get naked and sink my fangs into this asshole and claim him for eternity.

Before I even saw him move, he was back up in my face, his body flush with mine. Brain cells, brain cells, brain cells, why have you forsaken me?

His eyes bored into mine, “Little Angel, I would suggest you be careful. Not everyone is as lenient as I am when it comes to bashing the Prince.”

“Your Prince sounds like an oversexed asshole rapist,” I gasped, trying to get Ethan off of me. My struggles were embarrassingly pathetic.

What in the hell was wrong with me? This asshole, while rubbing all over me, was informing me that I would be having sex with his even bigger asshole Prince. First he tried to kill me, now he was ready to pimp me off to his almighty Lord and Master. Why in the hell was I still turned on by him?

“I’m not sure there is such a thing as oversexed and he’s definitely not a rapist,” he laughed, cupping my face between his very large hands. “I assure you, the Prince can be an asshole, but he has never taken an unwilling woman to his bed. Ever.”

I pushed him away again, and again he seemed surprised by my strength. Uh oh, I needed to pull back or he might start asking questions I couldn’t answer.

“You should take heed, little Angel,” he said, “he gets what he wants... and he will want you.”

“Well, he can’t have me,” I told him.

He thankfully seemed to be ignoring my power for the moment. What was I thinking? He saw me disappear in a cloud of Fairy Glitter in the graveyard.

“We shall see, little Angel, we shall see.”

He ran his fingers lightly across my collarbone and down my arm. His sexy smirk was back. “I’ll be seeing you. Soon.”

“Don’t bet on it.”

He kissed me lightly and then he was gone. My hand went automatically to my lips and the rest of me went boneless. Thankfully there was a sink to catch my fall.

Chapter Fifteen

After three tries I found my way back to the ballroom foyer and was greeted by some very attractive, no-nonsense Vampyres. They said very little and made me feel uncomfortable. Screw ‘em.

After standing there in silence for what felt like an hour with the most boring Vamps I’d met yet, it was finally time to go. I entered the Grand Ballroom as if I were walking to the guillotine.

What a freakin’ crazy day... and it wasn’t even over. First, I’d flirted with a beautiful Vampyre named Heathcliff, who turned out to be five times my age and probably thought I was easy. Second, I’d been willingly molested by a very sexy and dangerous Vampyre who definitely assumed I was easy. Now I was going to slap bloody palms with another guy who hopefully knew nothing about my loose morals... although according to Ethan this Prince guy was going to want to do me. Not gonna happen. I was done with Vamps. They were nuts. Well... Heathcliff seemed nice.

As we made our way in, there was a Vampyre on either side of me and one directly behind me. No escaping now. My eyes were downcast and I had no idea where I was going. Thankfully I was sandwiched between the ridiculously serious Vamps, or I’d have walked into a wall. The marble floors were very pretty and very clean.

Thank Jesus for my nose. At least I could get a sense of what was going on by the scent in the room. The smell thing had taken some getting used to, but it had been worth it. I’d learned how to turn it off when I was around garbage or other foul smelling things, and I’d almost mastered how to focus on one person or area. It was very handy for assessing human or non-human intentions. I could smell anger, sadness, jealousy, arousal, hatred... all kinds of emotions. Right now the overriding emotions in the ballroom were curiosity and excitement.

I could smell Venus. She smelled like jasmine mixed with a touch of vanilla. She was happy and nervous for me. It was comforting to know she was close by. Hard to admit, but I was scared. This was all so formal and unfamiliar it made my stomach churn. It felt like a movie, and I was the dumb heroine on the verge of an event that would change her life. Permanently. Crap.

Focus. You’re a Vampyre and you have to do this. If I turned and ran, I’d probably be punished... by death. Fuck, life was so much easier when I was an art teacher who smoked. Just sniff people—get your mind off of dying. Thankfully I could smell Heathcliff. He was spicy with a hint of brown sugar. He was glad to see me again. I sensed anticipation and attraction from him. Heathcliff was so solid and kind. Not like that disgusting Ethan at all. Why couldn’t ol’ Heath be part of the Vampyre sandwich surrounding me? I wanted to look up and find him, but I didn’t dare.

And then it hit me. There was a scent in the room that overwhelmed all the others. It made me angry and confused. I recognized it at once, as if I’d always known it. Ethan was in this room somewhere. I so needed to stay away from him. He smelled like Heaven. Clean laundry right off the line, summer breezes with hints of orange blossoms and sex. He also smelled dangerous. The scent was indescribable, but it was very masculine and very hot.

I assumed he was one of the Elite Guard with Heathcliff. He’d have to be, to know so much about the Warrior Pig’s, whoops, Prince’s sexual habits. He seemed to know way too much. What did he do? Watch? All of these Vampyres were perverts. Ethan was probably the biggest pervert of them all. No matter how good he smelled or how hot he was, he was a jerk. Next time I saw him, I’d tell him. With my luck, he and Heathcliff were best buds. That would suck.

My Vamp sandwich was guiding me to my knees. Nobody said anything about kneeling. Shit, it was seriously difficult to kneel in a super short dress and stilettos. I couldn’t believe I had to kneel to the Warrior Idiot. I grabbed the elbows of my totally not-hilarious escorts and made them help me down.

These Vamps clearly worshiped their Pervert Prince. So did Venus. So did Heathcliff. Wait... something wasn’t adding up. Ethan had to be full of it. Just because he was a sexist asshole, didn’t mean the Warrior Prince was too. Did it? He could have been lying to me about the whole sex with the Prince thing.

I had no idea why he would have done something so awful and stupid, but he must have. Maybe he got off on scaring the new Vamps. He was such a total asshole. I could only imagine what would happen if anyone knew what he had said about the Prince. He would be punished. Speaking blasphemously of the Prince was punishable by death. Not that I would tell—Ethan was far too pretty to die. Furthermore, I could hold it over his head for eternity. I grinned at the thought of having something on him. That would teach him not to screw with the heads of newbie Vampyres.

Venus loved and respected the Warrior Prince. I trusted Venus more than I trusted Ethan. My brain cells evaporated around Ethan. You couldn’t trust someone who brought out your inner slut. Thousands of Vampyres couldn’t be wrong. In such a violent society, the Prince would have to be extraordinary to have the loyal following that he did.

Speaking of violent, I felt the chilled handle of a jewel-encrusted knife being pressed into my hand. It was heavy, and I’m sure worth more than my house. This was the knife I would slice my hand with to prove my loyalty to the Warrior Prince. I wondered if I got to keep it. Gemma and The Kev would be so impressed. I would slice my palm as he sliced his, then we would join hands and mix our blood. Our lives would forever be intertwined. I would pledge to guard his life as I would my own. I really thought all of this would piss me off, but suddenly I felt excited and nervous and ready. God, what if I did something stupid? Please, please, please let me get through this without doing anything embarrassing. Let me make Venus and Heathcliff proud.

I sensed about six hundred Vampyres in the ballroom to honor their Prince. He had to be amazing. He couldn’t be the sexual predator that Ethan made him out to be. If anyone was a sexual predator, it was Ethan, although I’d bet most of his victims were more than willing. God knew I was. When I met up with that bastard again, I’d just nod politely and ignore him. I was safe as long as I wasn’t alone with him. If he got me alone I’d knee him in the balls and run like hell.

Mr. Humorless on my right began speaking. I kept my head bowed.

“My Liege,” he said, “I present to you Astrid of the Cressida House in the Haven of Kentucky. We ask His Excellency to accept this humble servant into the North American Dominion. She would be honored to co-mingle her blood with yours and to pledge her loyalty to you and the Royal Family. If it is your desire to bestow the gift of citizenship upon Astrid, please call to her. She has come to serve.”

Mr. Stick-in-the-mud paused. This was C-R-A-Z-Y, crazy. I’d come to serve? Humble servant? What in the hell was wrong with Vampyres? My babysitters were pulling me to my feet, and as told, I kept my head down. I wanted to giggle. This was too damned serious. I felt like I was in church with all the kneeling and standing and bowing of heads.

“Astrid of the Cressida House,” said a male voice. A familiar male voice. A very familiar male voice. No way... No, no, no. What the fu... ? I wanted to stamp my feet and scream. This could not be happening.

Instead of turning around and running out of the room, or finding a silver stake and ramming it through my chest, I raised my head. Slowly. Praying that I was wrong about what I knew I wasn’t wrong about.

“Do you swear your loyalty to me? Will you be my humble servant and... serve me?” The voice was amused, his words laced with double entendre.

I felt my eyes go green with fury when they met the breathtaking gold of his. He smiled that sexy smile, and before I could stop myself I embarrassed my entire House and possibly the whole North American Dominion. Not to mention I put my life in incredible danger.

I called him an asshole. To be more precise, I used the F-word, with an ‘ing’ before the asshole part. That was when my three escorts tackled me.

* * *

“Get off of her,” Ethan, The Warrior Prince of the North American Dominion roared.

“My Liege,” I heard a woman speaking urgently to him, “she has no right to desecrate you in that way. She will be dealt with and punished accordingly. I will deal with her myself.”

What in the hell did that even mean?

“She had every right,” Ethan said, dismissing her with his tone and a wave of his hand. He addressed the pile on top of me. “Remove yourselves from her at once and bring her to me.”

The chaos and snapping fangs were surreal. I had no clue what was happening. Were they going to kill me? I was terrified, pissed, and in severe pain. The burning in my thigh was due to the dagger sticking out of it. The beautiful blade that I was set to slice my hand with was embedded deep in my thigh. A small side effect of being tackled by a gaggle of Vampyres, and it hurt like a bitch. Furthermore, they completely ruined my Prada dress. Knife in thigh? Fine. Lying asshole Prince? Whatever. Torn Prada? Unforgivable. Unfortunately, I did what was becoming very natural for me. I let it all hang out. Pam would kick my ass later, but her right hook was the least of my worries at the moment.

I lifted my hands and let the glitter fly. I’d freeze every last one of their undead asses and make a run for it. This was not one of my better plans. Damn it, if they hadn’t screwed with my dress none of this would have happened. It would take more Magic than I had to immobilize that many Vamps. There were six hundred of them. I only froze the Vampyres within twenty feet of me. Bizarrely, they didn’t just freeze. They were definitely frozen, but they were also dangling helplessly in the air. I wasn’t quite sure how I did that, but it worked. Of course the dangling Vampyres discouraged any others from getting too close. I suppressed a totally inappropriate giggle at the sight of fifty or so Vampyres floating in the air like helium balloons.

“Angel,” Ethan said to me, “let them down. They will not hurt you.”

“They already did,” I shot back, referring to my bloody mangled thigh that was healing as I spoke. “And why in the world should I believe anything you say? Oh, and by the way, my name is not Angel,” I yelled at him.

“Look at me,” he said.

I refused.

“Look at me,” he repeated.

I refused again.

“Please... look at me, Angel,”

I did. My first mistake.

“I will not let them hurt you. I will not let anyone hurt you ever again.”

There was a collective gasp throughout the ballroom. Ethan’s golden eyes bored into mine with such an intensity that I felt a little drunk.

“I want proof,” I told him. He was too good at this and I had too much to lose. Like my life.

“Let me come to you and I will give you proof,” he said. His eyes never left mine for a moment.

I sensed hatred being shot at me from somewhere to his left. Scanning the group surrounding him, I found her. If looks could kill I would be so dead right now. Five bucks says she was the one who wanted to deal with me and punish me. Yikes. She had to be the girlfriend, and she was beautiful. Not only was she beautiful, she was the female version of Heathcliff. Please don’t tell me the pathetic loser that had been schtupping Ethan for a hundred years was Cathy. This did not bode well for so many of my future plans. She was furious and, quite honestly, looked a little unstable.

“Ethan,” she said to him, “I don’t think... ”

“Let me come to you,” he repeated, cutting her off and ignoring her. She stepped back, humiliated.

“Yes,” I told him, “but only you.”

“It will only ever be me, Angel,” he said, striding towards me. Again with the collective gasps. What in the hell was he talking about only me? He was crazy. Why did I trust him? Why? Why? Why? Because I was an idiot, that’s why.

He was so close I could touch him, but I wouldn’t give him that satisfaction. His eyes flashed with disappointment and I turned away before I changed my mind and jumped him or punched him.

“Let them down, Angel,” he said gently.

“You said you had proof,” I told him, refusing to look at him or to back down.

“Are you absolutely sure that you want proof?” he asked.

“Yes,” I said, slowly glancing up.

“One hundred percent sure?” he asked, smiling wickedly.

“I think so.” Mistake number two.

“Very well then,” he said, turning to address all the Vampyres in the ballroom. “Astrid of the Cressida House, known as Angel only to me,” he paused, letting that one sink in, “will become a member of my Elite Security Force. As you can plainly see, she is gifted and has the ability to protect me in... creative ways.” With a smirk, he indicated the fifty of his warriors floating in the air around him.

The silence in the room was palpable, and he continued. “I also believe that she is the Chosen One. The one from our Prophecies. The One we have waited for.”

Again with the collective gasps, but this time I joined in. What on earth was he talking about? Chosen what?

“That’s not possible, Your Highness,” Cathy quickly retorted. “She must be one with the Angels and Fairies. She must be able to control Demons.”

Ethan, with his back to her, quietly demanded, “Do you have knowledge that she cannot do these things?”

“No, my Liege, I do not.” She wasn’t backing down.

“Then I would suggest you keep your opinions to yourself.” He was very polite, but there were daggers sticking out of every word. Good God, remind me never to get on his bad side. He was very still—he looked inhuman, like a beautiful furious statue.

“Yes, my Liege.” She backed way down.

Before my eyes, he went from deadly Vampyre Prince back to sexy, lying piece of shit. Scary Vampyre Leader Guy was gone. He was Ethan again.

“Was that the proof?” I asked.

“No,” he replied.

“What’s the proof?” I asked, getting exasperated with him. He grinned and my tummy flipped.

“This is.”

It happened so fast. I couldn’t have stopped him if I tried, and sadly, I didn’t try. In an instant his fangs elongated and he yanked me to him. There was a searing pain in my neck as he bit me. My skin ripped like paper and the sound that left my lips was inhuman.

I was falling through the rabbit hole like Alice in Wonderland. He wanted to kill me, and this time he would succeed. I was so stupid. His arms were like steel vises holding me immobile against his body. Why did I let him come near me? He’d been nothing but bad since the moment I met him. I screamed again. Every nerve ending in my body was pushed to its limit. Everything was getting dark and a loud ringing pierced my ears. Why wouldn’t Venus or Heathcliff save me? I thought Venus was my friend. I would save her. From above myself, I heard the sobs rip from my chest. I struggled against him to stop the burning exploding through my body, but he was too strong for me and the blood loss was blocking my Magic. From the sounds he was making, he was getting some perverse sexual satisfaction from killing me. I hated him.

What a horrible way to die... at least I had good underwear on. Wait, something is not... oh, no. The pain slowly subsided and turned into something else, something far worse. He still drank from me. I knew this was significant, but for the life of me, I couldn’t remember why.

The pain was replaced by a heat that started low in my abdomen and slowly wound its way through me. Strong hands were roaming all over my body touching me everywhere, and I mean everywhere. Stroking, teasing, pinching, squeezing, probing... Oh. My. God. He wasn’t trying to kill me, but it would have been better if he had. It was hazy as to exactly when my screams turned into moans, but they did. Oh God, if he didn’t stop soon, my moans would turn back into screams. That would be bad. Crazy, embarrassing bad.

I was sure Cathy wailed “No!” at some point, and through my blurry vision I thought I saw Heathcliff hold her back. He looked so sad and disappointed. I couldn’t understand why. I couldn’t understand anything. And then I exploded.

Ethan pulled his fangs out of my neck right after I had the best orgasm of my life in front of a ballroom filled with hundreds of Vampyres. Hatred didn’t even begin to cover what I felt for him. He bit into his own tongue, leaned into my neck and licked the puncture wounds he’d made, officially co-mingling our blood. I was weak, pissed, dizzy and bizarrely satiated, like I’d just had great sex for three hours.

As much as I hated him, I had to admit that was one fantastic... no, wait. Oh shit, no... what just happened? Was I halfway mated to him? If he wasn’t already dead, I would kill him.

“What in the hell did you do?” I yelled.

“What I was meant to do,” he informed me smugly. “What I wanted to do from the moment I laid eyes on you.” He leaned in and continued his crazy talk at a whisper, “I did what I’ve never even been tempted to do to anyone else in my entire five hundred and twenty-two years.”

I stared at him, my mouth agape. I wanted to slap him. Then he mouthed something to me. I wasn’t positive, but it looked like You’re mine. He was grinning from ear to ear, speaking in full voice again, “You wanted proof? You have it. No one will ever harm my intended mate. It is punishable by death.”

The ballroom exploded into applause. I assumed they were clapping for the Prince. For the Prince’s joy at being halfway mated to the crazy Vampyre girl with powers that could suspend them midair if she didn’t like what they had to say. That was flat out strange. If bloodsucking and orgasms equated to engagement announcements, this Vamp world was more screwed than I thought. My chest was tight and I wanted to run. I had to get away from all of these insane dead people. Especially Ethan. I looked around and tried to find Venus amidst all the jumping, cheering, whistling Vampyres, but it was impossible.

I did spot two people who had not joined in on the celebration... Heathcliff and Cathy. She was staring at the floor and he stood stiffly beside her. I caught his eye and held his gaze for a moment. He looked away. I barely knew him but I felt as if I’d betrayed him. When did my life get so fucking complicated?

I wasn’t sure if it was the blood loss or the fact that I was halfway mated to someone that had tried to kill me, lied to me and gave me an orgasm in front of six hundred Vampyres, but I was fading fast.

But a promise was a promise. Right before I blacked out, I stretched my fingers out to the floating, applauding Vampyres and released them. I vaguely remember hearing thuds and groans as everything went black.

Chapter Sixteen

Oh my God, it was so soft. I moaned and sank farther down into my bed. My bed had never been so cozy. I stretched and snuggled deeper under the covers. When did I buy such amazing sheets? How in the hell did I afford them? I didn’t remember owning such soft, gorgeous sheets. They had to be at least a thousand thread count. Shit... I didn’t own soft, gorgeous, thousand thread count sheets or a bed this huge... which meant this wasn’t my bed. I was in someone else's bed... naked. What the fu... ?

Think, think. Where was I? I was at the Cressida House to get initiated and then I got drunk and went home with some random Vampyre. No, that wasn’t even possible. Number one, I didn’t drink. Number two, Vampyres couldn’t get drunk because they only drank blood. Alright, that scenario was out... I remembered Heathcliff. Sweet, handsome Heathcliff and then... what happened after that? It was on the tip of my brain. I saw Ethan, and then... oh shit.

It all came flooding back to me in a hurricane of mortification. Dangling Vampyres, screaming orgasm, pissed off girlfriend, gaping hole in thigh, ruined Prada dress, halfway mated to an extraordinarily beautiful, crazy, scary, lying bastard Warrior Prince.

Maybe if I closed my eyes it would all go away.

I tried.

It didn’t.

Son of a bitch, how many things could go wrong for me in two months? I died and I’m engaged? All this because I quit smoking? Really? Movement on the ceiling caught my eye. To my great joy, there were monsters up there. Not my monsters, other little ugly babies. I waved. Maybe they could help me escape.

“Hi,” I whispered, just in case anyone was around. “I’m Astrid. Some of you live at my house.”

They stopped dancing and stared at me, shocked and pleased to be noticed. They began to wave and shriek and show off. I giggled and threw some Glitter Magic to them. They ate it and went bonkers.

These guys were bold. They were trying to jump off the ceiling and come down to me. I was sure that was a very bad idea. The Vamps already thought I was a freak. I didn’t want them to know I was a monster magnet.

“No, no.” I pointed at three of them who were ready to go. “You stay.” Thankfully they did. Amazing. Something that actually listened to me.

The little monsters were so special. I was delighted that they lived on ceilings everywhere. I debated getting out of the bed and dancing with them, but decided against it. No telling who would walk in, plus I was naked and I wasn’t sure where I was. As their dancing hit psychotic levels, I realized they were not a good escape plan. I was assuming I was still at the Cressida House. Hopefully in Venus’ room... although this looked a little opulent for a regular Vampyre.

The bed was a huge, hand-carved, four poster work of art. The wood was dark and rich. The bedding was covered in olive and cream brocades with thick down comforters in dark navy. Everything was insanely soft and expensive. There must have been twenty pillows on the bed. Definitely not Venus’ room.

I sat up and really looked around. The rest of the suite followed suit. There were thick Persian rugs, and dark wood furniture mixed with chocolate leather chairs and couches. A huge stone fireplace dominated one wall. The curtains on the floor to ceiling windows looked like they belonged in a French Renaissance castle, but the pièce de résistance was the chandelier. It was stunning—tier upon tier of the most exquisite crystal drops I’d ever seen. I loved anything that sparkled, and this put everything I’d ever admired to shame.

The more I thought about it, the more I was convinced this was his room. How did I get here? I could only guess. Why was I naked? I didn’t want to know. Did I need to get out of here? You bet.

“Hey guys,” I questioned my new monster buddies, “do you know where my clothes are?”

“Over there,” a female answered.

“Oh my God.” I was flabbergasted. “You guys can talk?” They were far more advanced than my monsters. They were flipping, punching each other in the head, running in circles and screaming. Well, a little more advanced. There was so much commotion I couldn’t figure out which little cutie had spoken.

“You need to stay still,” I told them. “Whichever one of you little dudes spoke to me needs to do it again.” Maybe they could help me escape, but more importantly, I bet they could tell me how to teach Rachel and Ross and Honest Abe to talk. Beyonce was another story. She had issues.

“Come on, please,” I begged. “When did you learn to talk? Did someone teach you?” If they would tell me their secret, I could talk with my babies instead of at them.

“Let me see... it was about two hundred years ago and my mother taught me,” Venus said, staring at me from the doorway.

“Shit!” I screamed. “You scared me to death.”

The monsters shrieked and disappeared.

“That’s impossible,” she replied coldly, “you’re already dead.” Her arms were crossed over her chest and she wasn’t liking me much.

“Who were you speaking to?” she asked.

“Um... nobody?”

She was silent. She slowly walked into the room, grabbed clothing off of a chair and threw it on the bed.

“Friends don’t lie to friends,” she stated flatly.

“Friends didn’t lie to friends,” I said, and she snorted. “Certain friends were really scared and freaked out, so they didn’t lie... they omitted. Certain friends had other friends from different species that arrived before friends who are accusing friends of lying. Those other friends told her not to tell certain things.” I was confusing myself.

“There is no reason in hell I should have followed that, but somehow I did.” Venus said, walking toward the bed. “Were you just talking to those certain friends?”

“No.” God, how to explain this... “Actually, the certain friends who told me not to tell certain things don’t know about the friends I was just talking to.”

“Jesus Christ, Astrid,” Venus grabbed her head. “I can’t keep up with you. To tell you the truth, I’m not sure I want to.” She turned to go.

“Wait!” I was desperate. I was losing my mind. My hands shook and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to cry or scream or punch something. Everything was spinning so far out of control I didn’t know how much longer I could hold on. As panic threatened to overtake me something warm and sweet rushed through me, straight out of my fingertips. Something in me clicked. It was Pam. The panic was gone. I felt Pam’s love envelope me. I couldn’t see her, but I could feel her spirit inside of me. She was letting me know I could talk to Venus and it would be okay.

“Please stay with me,” I begged.

Venus slowed and turned back to me, shaking her head, “Astrid, I... ”

“Please.” I could feel the tears coming.

“All right,” Venus said slowly. She walked back to the bed, sat on the edge and waited.

“Venus, I need your word that I can trust you.”

She moved to the bedside table and retrieved a dagger. The same jeweled dagger I stabbed my thigh with. Why in the hell was that in here? She sliced her palm and handed me the knife, I sliced my own. Shit, that hurt. Venus didn’t even flinch. I wish I could say the same. She grasped my hand and our blood co-mingled.

“What you tell me, I will guard as if it were my own,” Venus told me, “and you will do the same.”

I nodded and patted the bed. “You’d better sit.”

She did.

I started at the beginning. I told her how I got changed by the big blonde Amazon without my knowledge or consent. I described how I came home and found Oprah, who turned out to be my foul-mouthed, nosey, fiercely loyal Angel named Pam. How from there I was graced with my style-challenged Fairy, who was a doppelganger for Arnold Schwarzenegger. How he had taught me in a very short and very violent time how to fight to the death and how to control my Magic.

Then I explained my monsters. They started out as cracks in my bedroom ceiling, but the longer I stared, the more alive they became. My monsters were so ugly they were cute. They were about three inches tall and looked like tiny people. I suppose I thought of them as my babies. The babies I would never have now that I was a Vampyre. I loved them.

“I was afraid if I told someone about them, they’d go away,” I admitted. “I’ve lost so much already. I couldn’t bear losing them too.”

“Is that who you were talking to?” Venus asked, trying to wrap her head around my crazy story. I was just thankful she didn’t run from the room screaming.

“Yes and no,” I explained, “they were similar monsters, but they weren’t mine. Turns out they live on ceilings everywhere,” I smiled ruefully. I was still nervous she was going to bail on the insane Vampyre girl.

“Can I see them?” she asked.

“I don’t know.” I looked up. The monsters were back. “I don’t know,” I repeated. “Can you?”

Venus looked up and stared at the ceiling. Hard. “No, I can’t.”

I glanced up and wondered why in the hell I could see them. They giggled and waved and stomped on each other’s heads. I realized I didn’t care why. I was grateful I could.

“That’s okay,” I consoled her, “you’re strong and don’t need them.”

“No,” she replied, examining me strangely, “you don’t need them either. They need you.” She took a huge pause and continued searching my face. “You are the Chosen One,” she whispered, dropping to her knees next to the bed.

“Get up, you’re freaking me out,” I blurted, yanking on her arm.

“Astrid.” Venus was excited. She grabbed me and hugged me hard. “You are. You are the Chosen One.”

“No,” I gasped, trying to peel her off of me, “I’m not. I don’t want to be the Chosen One. I’m still not a hundred percent sure I want to be a Vampyre. I am a materialistic Prada whore who teaches art to old people. There’s no way I can be the Chosen One.” I paused. “What in the hell is the ‘Chosen One’?”

Venus’ excitement freaked me out. “The Chosen One is beloved by Angels and Fairies and can control Demons.”

“I don’t know any Demons,” I yelled at her, “except for Ethan.”

“Don’t you see?” she went on, ignoring my slam on her Prince, “Angels and Fairies don’t ever even acknowledge Vampyres. Our breeds only come together in times of war... and hopefully then it’s as allies, because Angels and Fairies are the fiercest warriors in the Universe.”

I was still confused.

“Angels and Fairies are from the Light, from life,” Venus explained, “and Vampyres are from the Dark, from death.” She touched my face. “You are the Light who lives in the Dark. You will save us.”

“Holy shit.” I threw myself back on the bed. “I thought I was crazy. Did you not get the part that I don’t know, and therefore cannot control, any Demons?” I had her there.

“Your monsters are Demons,” she simply stated.

Oh fuck.

“I don’t want to deal with this right now,” I told her, overwhelmed. “You can’t tell anyone about this, Venus.”

“I won’t,” she promised. “Eventually you will have to tell the Prince.”

“He’s already figured most of it out,” I said morosely and filled her in on the glitter-filled disappearing act in the graveyard. “The only part that would be missing for him would be the Demons.”

I realized I’d forgotten to ask the most important question of all. “How in the hell am I supposed to save everybody?”

“The Prophecy doesn’t say, but I do know it involves our King somehow,” Venus replied.

Well, that just pissed me off and made me want to cry. “Heathcliff told me the King will be in the North American Dominion within the month. Does that mean I have to save everybody this month, as opposed to next month?” I tried for a lame joke. Venus didn’t bite. I didn’t blame her. It sucked.

Ignoring my rapidly deteriorating sense of humor, she went on, “I hate to broach another touchy subject,” Venus was treading carefully, “but would you like to discuss The Warrior Prince?” She tried to suppress a grin. She failed.

I was gonna kick her ass.

“No,” I shouted. “I do not want to discuss him. Ever.”

“You’re halfway mated to the most powerful ruler of all the King’s children. Not to mention the fact that he seems to have gone cuckoo crazy over you. In all my two hundred years as a Vampyre, I’ve never seen him like this. No one has. You will have to deal with this sooner rather than later,” Venus informed me.

“He’s a liar and a cheater and he tried to kill me. I. Hate. Him. I find him unattractive and rude. He’s an asshole and a bastard... ” I trailed off.

Venus just stared at me.

“All right, fine.” I gave up. “Yes, I’m attracted to him, but he didn’t ask me to mate with him—he just did it. I hate that. I don’t even know him. I can’t get mated or married or whatever to a stranger, no matter how hot he is or how good he smells.”

“Vampyres often recognize their life mates the first moment they see them or scent them,” Venus said with authority. “They are fated for each other. They have an uncontrollable mental and sexual bond. I’m fairly sure Ethan recognized you.”

“No, he didn’t,” I shot back at her. “The first time he saw me, he and his sisters tried to kill me.”

“But he didn’t,” Venus fired right back, “and he stopped his sisters from killing you.”

“Yeah... so?”

“Nothing.” Venus was smug. “I’m just sayin’... that’s all.”

“You are aware that you suck, and all of you people are perverts?” I informed her, wanting to slap that superior look off her face.

“Yes... yes I am,” she smiled. “By the way, you’re one of those people now.”

I rolled my eyes. “Anyway, I can’t be his mate because I think I have a connection to Heathcliff too. At least he’s a gentleman.”

“Ooo,” Venus scrunched her nose. “That could be awkward.”

“No duh.”

“He has a sister... ” Venus started. I cut her off.

“Yes, that would be Cathy. The Cathy that has been schtupping Ethan for a hundred years,” I said. “Yep, I put that all together when I noticed a female Heathcliff trying to kill me with her eyeballs.” I paused and sighed. “I suppose Heathcliff is out of the picture for me. I never get the nice guy.”

Venus rolled her eyes at me. “The other one ain’t so bad.”

“Why do I have to be with anyone at all?” I whined. “Can’t I just save the world and then go on about my business?”

“No,” Venus the Party Pooper said. “You are now part of the Elite Guard. Your life is not your own anymore.”

“What?” I shouted. Venus cut me off.

“No,” she firmly announced, “you cannot get out of it. As a member of the Cressida House, we are here to protect the Royal Family. Period.”

“I can’t,” I stammered, “I teach art to old people and I... you know have, um, stuff... ”

Venus laughed and punched me in the arm. Damn, she punches hard. I punched her back harder and remembered I was naked.

“Do you have any idea why I’m naked?” I asked her.

“Nope.”

“Do you know how I got here?”

“Yep.”

“Did he bring me here?” I shut my eyes. If I couldn’t see anything, I could pretend nothing happened.

“Yep.”

“Do you think he... ?” I mumbled.

“No way,” Venus said. “I know you think he’s an ass, but he has more honor than any Vampyre I’ve ever met.”

“That doesn’t say much for Vampyres,” I laughed.

“I’m not saying he didn’t look,” she grinned, “but I would bet my life he didn’t touch.”

“You have way more faith in him than I do,” I told her. “Why don’t you mate with him?”

“Oh, he’s pretty and all, but he’s more like a father to me. Besides, I like the brothers.”

I started laughing. “Oh my God, you’re racist?” I threw a pillow at her.

“No, I’m not,” she giggled, “a girl likes what a girl likes!” She threw the pillow back at me. “I like the same kind of man my mama liked!”

I froze. Petra... it was Friday. I had to go to her.

“Venus,” I choked out in a panic, “I have to get out of here.”

“You can’t,” she said, “Ethan will have a fit.”

“I don’t give a damn what he’ll do. It’s Friday... my mother... ” I couldn’t continue.

“What?” Venus asked.

“My mother, Petra is supposed to die today.” Venus looked at me askance. “I know, I know, I’m not sure if I believe her, but I need to go to her. I need to offer to change her. I need to save her if she’ll let me.”

“You can’t,” Venus sympathized. “You’ll kill her.”

“Pam said the same thing. Why?”

“Once a woman has borne a child,” Venus explained, “she will not make it through the change.”

“Is that one hundred percent for sure?” I asked, looking for a loophole.

“I don’t know, but I wouldn’t try to change her if I were you,” she replied.

“You’re not me.”

“True, although there is an old wives’ tale about sacrificing Royalty, or maybe it was an animal, in order to attain immortality. I can’t remember how it goes, but only Vampyres would know that tale and we don’t need it—we’re already immortal.”

“Oookay, that’s just weird on every level,” I said flatly. “If there’s even a remote chance to save her, I have to try.”

Why did I feel so compelled to save her? Was it simply because she was my mother? No, it was far more complicated than that. I was that pathetic idiot that was still after her love and approval. At least I wasn’t in denial. “Venus... ”

“No,” she said.

“Please cover for me,” I begged.

“Are you trying to get me killed?” she gasped. “There’s no way to sneak you out of here. There are guards everywhere, especially on this floor.” Venus shook her head vehemently. “Even if we did get you out of the house, there are security guards all over the property.”

“I don’t need to leave this room to leave the compound,” I told her calmly. She was a nervous wreck. “I just can’t have you ringing the alarm bells when I leave.”

“Astrid, you’re killing me,” she said, dropping her head into her hands.

“Venus, why don’t you go find someone for me to eat,” I told her. “Please take your time. I’m extremely picky about my meals, especially considering I’ve never had mortal blood before.”

“You’ve never... ” She was shocked.

“Shut up,” I cut her off. “It is what it is. It will probably take you about an hour to find someone appropriate. Do you understand me?” I asked her, making sure she understood. She nodded unhappily. “Do you think anyone else will be checking on me?” I began to dress quickly.

“No.” Venus paced the room and wouldn’t make eye contact. God, I hoped she would keep my secret. “He’s on an investigation with some of the Guards. There’s been more Rogue activity.”

“All right then, you should go.” I squeezed her hand.

“Please be careful, Astrid,” she said. “He will be destroyed if anything happens to you.”

Her statement surprised and secretly delighted me. I looked at her for a long moment... then I disappeared.

Chapter Seventeen

I felt like a burglar. I didn’t want to be here. I wasn’t wanted or welcome, but here I was. Again. Begging to be slapped down for loving someone who didn’t love me back. I was pathetic, but I wouldn’t live with regrets. No one can say I didn’t try. I may suffer severe wounds to my ego and heart, but being a Vampyre had its advantages. I had thousands of years ahead of me to do therapy.

“Petra? Mother?” I called out.

Nothing.

Surprised and relieved that I wasn’t exhausted from teleporting, I stood and waited. Pam was right, I was getting stronger. I didn’t know if that was a good thing or a bad thing. I just knew I was grateful for it right now.

I smoothed down the crisp, cotton, fitted white halter over the black raw silk capris and admired my insane platform wedges. All Prada. Every thread, button, snap and zipper on me was Prada! The material felt like heaven on my skin. Being a Vampyre made my body and senses hypersensitive. I was in love with whoever chose this outfit for me. It had to be Venus, or maybe it was... no, there’s no way he would know I would love all this. What in the hell was Venus going on about knowing your life mate? I thought back to the first time I met him. I knew I was attracted to him, but was that it? Did the fact that I couldn’t take my eyes off of his ass mean he was my mate? Could you base an entire relationship on being obsessed with an ass? I didn’t even know him... and he didn’t know me.

I couldn’t think about that right now, mostly because my mind went immediately to an X-rated place when I thought about him. A naked, sweaty, scream-filled, bloodsucking, orgasmic place. I needed to dial down my inner slut.

“Astrid, what are you doing here?” my mother asked me.

“Shit,” I yelped. My mother was better than a cold shower for getting rid of my loose morality concerns. “You almost scared me to death.”

“Is that really possible, dear?” she asked calmly, staring me down.

She certainly looked spectacular for someone that was going to die from cancer today. So pulled together in her Tory Burch flats and her sweet little Armani shift.

Hair? Perfect.

Nails? Perfect.

Makeup? Perfect.

Beautiful, and as cold as ice.

“How’s the cancer going, Petra?” I asked her, trying to goad her into some sort of emotion. I didn’t care what. Just something.

“Cancer’s a bitch, dear,” she replied. “Terrible way to die.”

“Mom, what’s going on?” I snapped. “Are you really sick?”

“Do you really care?” she murmured. Damn, she was evil.

“Unfortunately, I really do.” I felt the tears welling.

She totally ignored my need for comfort and put more distance between us. God, did she not have one maternal bone in her body? She fussed with pillows and brushed imaginary lint from the couch. Then she heaved a huge put-upon sigh. “Look, Astrid, I thought I made myself very clear the other day. I have no desire to bond with you or make up for any of the wrongs you perceive me to have committed. You didn’t turn out at all like I expected. I have a very hard time believing you’re the one. You’re just so pathetic and weak. To put it mildly, you’re a grave disappointment.” She laughed at her double entendre.

I wanted to crawl out of my skin. My mind was so crowded with hatred and regret and shame, I couldn’t even follow what she meant. Did she think I was the Chosen One too? How would she even know about that? I wanted to run away from her. I wanted to hit her and hurt her like she hurt me. I wanted to destroy her. I wanted her to hold me. Most of all, I wanted to destroy myself for still caring about her, although I was fairly sure if I hung around much longer she’d successfully do that for me.

I swallowed every bit of pride I had left. “I came to offer you immortality... if you want it.”

She said nothing.

“I know you know what I am,” I continued talking. I was sure if I stopped the world would end. “If you’d like me to change you, I will.” With little left to say, I stopped and waited for Armageddon.

She glared at me with hatred. What the fu... ? Would I ever win with her?

“You can’t change me, you stupid girl. I wouldn’t trust you with my life. You would kill me permanently,” she spat.

The ceiling hissed and moved. We both looked up. Could she see that? Did she know about monsters? Did she have her own?

Her ceiling was covered in monsters. They weren’t small and silly like my monsters. They were big, angry and evil. They undulated in and out of each other, like a macabre orgy. I wondered what a blast of my Glitter Magic would do to them and decided it was best not to find out. They were scarred and bleeding. It was difficult to look at them. Some had pus and sickening liquid leaking from their wounds. It dripped down from the ceiling, coating the furniture and floor. Most had horns protruding from their heads and they all had claws. Some were missing limbs and several seemed to be functioning without heads.

The ones that were not wounded were taking great pleasure embedding and twisting their claws into the wounds of the less fortunate. They had razor sharp teeth with bits of what appeared to be bloody flesh hanging from them. I may be gross for drinking blood, but I was small potatoes in the repulsive department compared to these guys. Movies couldn’t come close to these atrocities. They examined Petra with a patient hatred while they evaluated me with a hungry curiosity.

“Um... Petra, can you see that?” I asked her, keeping my body very still as not to startle them.

“Of course I can,” she snapped. “They’re mine.”

“Oookay.” I glanced over at her. “They don’t seem to like you much.”

They hissed viciously at her right on cue. She looked bored. Who was she? Better yet, what was she? She couldn’t be human and be able to see all this. Could she?

One of them yelled at her in a language I couldn’t even begin to identify. Petra stiffened and watched the bloody monster with narrowed eyes. Her glare didn’t affect him at all. She hissed at him and he continued to scream at her.

As he screamed he slowly took on human features. His tirade was turning him human. Kind of. A gross, bloody human with razor sharp teeth and huge claws. His horns came along for the ride too. He was massive and disgusting. Next thing I knew, the thing was standing next to my mother.

He stood about six feet, six inches tall, and his burnt, bloody body bulged with muscles. He watched me closely.

“Astrid,” my mother smiled evilly, her eyes narrowed to slits as she clapped her hands like a happy child, “Meet your father.”

Holy shit, was she serious? “My father is a monster?” I gasped.

“A Demon, you imbecile,” she snarled, “not a monster. There’s no such thing as monsters.”

That was debatable, I thought as I looked at the woman who gave birth to me. My father stood next to her, wheezed some kind of internal goop and stared at me. Beneath all the blood and oozing sores he was kind of... well, maybe a little... sort of...

Nope. Who in the hell was I kidding? He was horrible. Hideously butt-ass ugly and he smelled like hell. Literally. He smelled of sulfur, burnt hair and charred flesh.

He bared his teeth. Dear God, was he trying to smile at me... or was he getting ready to eat me? I knew Vamps were immortal and all, but I was almost sure even I, the Chosen One, couldn’t survive being eaten by a Demon. I really didn’t want to die today. I had too many things left I wanted to do. Number one on the list was to wrap my legs around Ethan and screw him until neither of us could walk. What the fu... ? Where did that come from? Why was he in my head right now? He needs to get out. I quickly shoved him to the back of my mind and watched my bloody daddy closely. Any sudden moves and I was so out of here.

Petra leaned into him and stroked his oozing face with her perfectly manicured hands. Something wasn’t quite right about that. As long as I’d known her, she hated anything dirty or messy. Just goes to show you how love can change a cold, heartless bitch. She actually cared for someone. God, that tore me apart in unexplainable ways.

He slapped her hand away and grunted violently at her.

“Can he speak English?” I asked her.

She laughed at me, “He speaks everything, you little pathetic piece of... ” Before she could finish her loving description of me, he slapped her so hard he knocked her out and her body flew across the room. She looked like a broken doll lying on the floor beneath the window. I moved to go to her, but my, um... father put up his hand.

“No,” he ordered. His voice was ragged. It sounded painful, like he was speaking through shards of glass. “She’s done enough damage this time around.” He watched me back up towards the door. “Stop,” he commanded. “I want to touch you. Come to me.”

Bizarrely enough, I didn’t think he was going to eat me or hit me. I could tell he really did just want to touch me. I looked into his eyes, which were gold like mine. They were the only human-looking thing about him. I walked to him. If I concentrated on his eyes, I could almost pretend he wasn’t the most frightening and disgusting thing I’d ever seen.

I stood in front of him. Inside I was a trembling mess. Outwardly I was calm.

“Are you afraid of me?” he ground out, his razor sharp teeth clicking grotesquely as he spoke.

“Yes, I am,” I told him truthfully. “Are you really my father?” I had to know.

He examined me closely. His breath was putrid and it was all I could do to stand my ground. He slowly raised his hand. I could tell he was trying not to scare me. It was a little late for that. He reached out with his bloody hand, touched my face and replied, “Yes.”

He backed away from me and went to my mother, picked up her crumpled body and gently laid her on the couch.

“What is she?” I asked him.

He paused and considered my question. “She’s a bitch. A horrible, horrible bitch.” He looked down at her and laughed. “But she’s my bitch.”

With that, he clapped his hands and the Demons slithered off the ceiling and moved toward Petra. He yelled something in an unfamiliar language. I didn’t need to understand the language to know what he said. Licking their bloody lips, they surrounded her and they ate her.

The screams of joy were something I would never forget. Thankfully their grotesque bloody bodies covered the gruesome brutality of what they were doing.

I gagged and fell to the ground. I closed my eyes and put my hands over my ears. I wasn’t about to wait around to see if I was next. Without saying bye to Daddy, I transported the hell out of there and went home.

Chapter Eighteen

I didn’t stop, I didn’t pass Go... I teleported, and then I ran.

I ran straight into Pam’s waiting arms and I broke. A dam burst inside of me and rushed from my damaged spirit with a vengeance. I pulled away from Pam’s embrace. I had to move. I couldn’t stay still. My head was a mess and my insides felt raw. I paced frantically. My fists opened and closed at an alarming speed. I wanted to jump or run—instead I fell to the floor and beat on it.

And I cried. I cried for myself. I cried for my mother, who I hated and loved with such a confused passion it was painful. I cried because her death was so horrific and because part of me didn’t care. I cried for my Nana, who I missed more and more each passing day. I thought time and distance dulled pain. They didn’t.

I cried for Venus because she used to be a slave, and for Paris Hilton because she was such a freak. It pained me to think about other people being as judgmental as I had been. I cried for Cathy, because she loved someone who didn’t love her. I knew about that. I cried about Heathcliff. After everything that had happened, I didn’t know if I would ever get a chance to know him and he seemed like such a kind and beautiful person.

I cried for my monsters and worried they would become like my mother’s Demons. It killed me that I would never have children because I wanted someone to love so badly. I wanted to be a real mother to someone. I would have been so good at that. I cried because the father I’d imagined in my dreams was so much better than the monstrosity that had sired me.

I cried because Rogue Vampyres were killing innocent people and because I used to be innocent. Maybe that was my path, I thought wildly. Kill the Rogues. I didn’t even care if I died in the process.

I cried for Pam because I loved her so much. I knew there was much more to her story than she let on.

And I cried because I was worried I would outlive Gemma, and I didn’t want to. I cried because The Kev was so sweet and his love for Gemma was so beautiful.

My blood-laced tears ruined my pretty white halter. My track record with Prada was not so good lately. First the dress, now the halter. That made me cry too.

My tear ducts had almost run dry, but there were still enough bloody tears to cry in confusion. I wanted Ethan. Now. I wanted him to hold me and comfort me. I wanted to lay my head on his chest and wrap my arms around his body. I wanted him to whisper to me and I wanted to fall asleep in his arms while he played with my hair. I could not begin to understand why I wanted or needed a man I barely knew, but I did. With every fiber of my being, I did. Maybe he was mine... and I was his. Was Venus right?

Oh. My. God. In my jumbled mess of a brain, a horrible reality occurred to me. She wasn’t right... she wasn’t even close to right. That bastard didn’t want me. Ethan didn’t want me for me. That son of a bitch wanted the Chosen One. He’d waited five hundred twenty-two years - not for me, but for the Chosen One.

Please God, just kill me now. How much more did I have to take? Petra was right about one thing... men were bad. I knew my heart was breaking. The unconditional love I wanted would never be mine. Not from my mother, not from a child and not from Ethan. Why did Ethan’s betrayal hurt more than the others? Nothing made sense anymore. I fell back to the floor and the flood gates reopened for business.

* * *

“Astrid, are you okay?” Gemma rubbed my back and pulled my head to her lap.

“How long have I been here?” I asked, dazed.

“Um... about six hours,” she said, smoothing my hair away from my face and kissing my forehead. “You sobbed and moaned for about five hours, and you’ve been sitting here comatose for the last forty-five minutes or so.” She paused. “Pam told me what happened.”

“How does she know?” I asked, sitting up.

“She had a vision,” Gem replied quietly.

Well, now I knew why she was waiting for me. “Did she see my daddy?” I asked Gemma, wincing at the memory of him.

“Yes, Asscrack, I did. Damn, he’s one ugly motherfuckin’ Demon,” Pam said, resettling herself on the couch.

“Oh my God,” I shouted. “Does that mean I’m half Demon?”

“Technically yes, Asswad,” she said, “but the fact that The Kev and I raised you since you turned should negate your Demonic traits.”

“Demonic traits would be... ?” I asked, against my better judgment.

“Oh, you know... ” Was she grinning at me? “You know,” she continued, “eating people, killing without discretion, blowing things up, mass murder, wreaking havoc. Stuff like that.”

“Shit,” I screamed. I scanned the room for something silver to shove through my chest.

“Don’t fret, Assbutt,” Pam laughed. “I’m certain there ain’t no evil Demon left in you. You drank too much Angel and Fairy blood to be anything but good, good, good. Besides, not all Demons are bad. I do believe this means you have to kiss my big, fat, sexy ass for the rest of your long life.”

“Kill me now,” I begged. She was right though... I would kiss her butt ‘til the end of time. She and The Kev had saved me from being something that had no right to exist in a civilized world... or any world, for that matter.

“I gotta say,” Pam announced, “your daddy has got to be the most butt-assed, fucked up ugly I have ever seen. How your momma did the wild thing with him is beyond my imagination. And I’ve got one hell of an imagination,” she bellowed.

Holy God, that visual had never occurred to me. I started to laugh, and I couldn’t stop. I was now the proud owner of an image that even one hundred million years of therapy would never erase.

“Pam, you suck!” I yelled at her, moving in to tackle her on the sofa.

She defended herself by smothering me in a bear hug. God, she smelled yummy. I sank my fangs into her neck. She hummed and rocked me like a baby while I ate. Petra’s ugly death seemed so far away from my home full of love.

Whenever I drank from Pam, my brain swirled in colorful circles. My body tingled all over and I felt calm and happy. Sometimes little sparkling fireworks went off if I kept my eyes closed. The Kev said I was a bad eater, because I let all my defenses down when I drank. I wouldn’t have known if the world ended when I ate. Clearly that’s why I didn’t realize a certain someone was standing two feet from me.

“Um, Astrid... ” Gemma was flustered.

I ignored her. I was too blissed out drinking from Pam. I wouldn’t interrupt her during sex. Okay... yuck. Did I just equate drinking from Pam to sex? I needed to get laid. Soon.

“Astrid,” she tried again. I ignored her again. I was still totally grossed out by my sex analogy. I wondered if I could Green-Eye a human into having sex and then Green-Eye them into forgetting about it. Shit, that was so complicated.

“Angel, you really don’t have to do that,” an all too familiar voice volunteered suggestively. “I’d be more than happy to accommodate you.”

I could hear the grin in that son of a bitch’s voice. Damn it, he was a mind reader. I slammed the garage doors in my head shut and I heard him chuckle. I slowly pulled my fangs out of Pam’s neck and made eye contact with her.

“Do we have company?” I asked her.

“Yes, Asswad, we do,” she said gleefully, “and he is one fine-looking piece of ass.”

I rolled my eyes. “Can he see or hear you?”

“I’m letting him see a shimmer of me. I look like a sparkly mirage. And no, Shithat, he can’t hear me,” she said as she stood up and dumped me to the floor.

Crap, that was not graceful. Did she just call me Shithat? This was not how I had envisioned my next rendezvous with Ethan. I quickly stood and turned to face him. I almost fell back on the couch. He was so stinkin’ beautiful. If I’d been human, my heart would have stopped.

He wore Prada from head to toe. Black pants and a black fitted shirt. Were all Vamps Prada whores? The color made his skin look like polished alabaster. His hair was a sexy mess and his eyes sparkled beneath his ridiculously long lashes.

I wanted to go to him. I wanted to trace his lips with my fingers. I wanted to run my hands all over his chest and those muscular arms. What I really wanted to do was grab his butt. His perfectly beautiful, assorific derriere. I held myself back. It was not easy.

Why was I holding back?

He was clearly open to the idea of being thrown to the floor and ravaged. He tilted his head to the side and let his eyes travel down to my chest.

“Do you like the outfit I picked for you?” He smiled and ran his tongue along his bottom lip.

“I have no idea what you mean,” I huffed. No way did he pick this out. I vaguely recalled promising to be in love with whoever chose this. Following the direction of his eyes, I looked down and realized I was a crazy, bloody hot mess. Shit, shit, shit.

I scrounged up as much dignity as I could muster and politely informed him, “If you’ll excuse me for a moment, I need to change.”

“Do you need any help?” he asked, equally as polite.

“No, thank you,” I primly answered, walking past him and trying not to notice how delicious he smelled.

“Hi, I’m Gemma,” I heard as I slunk down to my room. “And you are...

“Ethan,” he informed her. “The Warrior Prince of the North American Dominion and Astrid’s mate.”

A scream flew out of me before I could slap my hand over my mouth. I heard him laugh as I ran the rest of the way to my bedroom. I ripped through my closet looking for something to wear that would make him so sorry that he couldn’t have me.

Ever. I was not his mate, and he couldn’t make me.

Nothing. I could find nothing to wear.

“Screw this,” I said to no one in particular and grabbed my favorite pair of old holey Levis and a black camisole top. I put on blue sequined Converse and flopped back on my bed. Maybe if I didn’t go back out, he would leave. Who was I kidding? That douchebag wanted to own me.

My monsters were very busy chastising me. They clearly did not approve of my outfit choice. Beyonce and Rachel were miming puking, while Ross and Honest Abe cried hysterically and pointed to my closet.

“I don’t care,” I told them. “All of you are lucky I didn’t put on sweat pants and a big paint splattered T-shirt.”

They screamed in horror.

“Oh for God’s sake.” I leaned off my bed to find something on the floor to throw at them. “You guys are so not the boss of me and I can... ”

“Who are you talking to, Angel?”

“Shit,” I yelled, slamming my head on my bedside table. “Has anybody ever heard of knocking?”

He stood in the doorway, casually leaning against the frame and evaluated me. He looked so big in my small room. His exam started at my sequined Converse, which made him smile, to my jeans, which made him raise an eyebrow, to my camisole, where he stopped. I suppose he decided to take a break and stare at my girls. I felt my nipples harden under his gaze and quickly crossed my arms over my chest. He grinned.

“Why are you here?” I asked him. I sat up and pulled some of my comforter around me.

“For you,” he said.

“I don’t need you,” I snapped. God, what in the hell did my hair look like? I’d transported twice, watched my mother get eaten, and cried for five or so hours. I couldn’t be looking my best. Wait. Why did I care? I didn’t. I was glad I looked like a piece of crap. He could take that and shove it up his...

“You look beautiful,” he said, “and although you may not need me, I need you.”

Damn those mind readers. I must not have shut my brain doors properly.

“You need to go home,” I told him. Flattery was going to get him nowhere.

“I came here because I felt your pain, Angel,” he said, moving into my room. “It almost incapacitated me.”

“You can’t feel my pain.”

He watched and said nothing. I felt trapped in his gaze. This was so not fair. I could feel my desire for him taking over all the rational arguments of why I should boot his ass out.

“I feel everything you feel,” he said, walking to my bed.

“That’s impossible.” I moved to the far side of my bed, putting as much distance between us as I could.

“Nothing is impossible,” he said gently. “You and I are Vampyres. You have an Angel living with you. I sense a Fairy here somewhere, and I can’t quite put my finger on it, but your friend Gemma is not a human. Most importantly, you are the Chosen One.”

“I’m not ready for all this.”

“Ready does not factor into the equation, Angel. Life happens whether we are ready or not—the only choice or control we have is whether or not we will rise to meet its challenges.”

“How’d you get so smart?”

He laughed and sat down on the edge of my bed. “Because I’m five hundred twenty-two years old.” He leaned over and took my hand in his. He started rubbing delicious little circles on my palm. This did not bode well for rational decision making on my part.

“Angel, when I drank from you I took part of you into me. You are inside me. When you feel joy, I feel joy. When you feel sorrow, I feel sorrow. When you feel like your world is being ripped apart... ” He paused, letting the sentence finish itself. He watched me closely. “That’s why I came. I came to take care of you. Please let me take care of you.”

“You don’t want me.” Oh. My. God. Was I about to cry?

He sat up. “You have no concept of how much I want you.” His tone and the look in his eyes sent shivers through my body.

“It’s not me that you want,” I insisted.

“What are you talking about?” He was bewildered.

“You don’t want me, you want the Chosen One,” I said.

“You’re one and the same,” he laughed, clearly confused by my logic.

Why couldn’t I accept that it didn’t matter why he wanted me? The fact that he wanted me should be enough, but it wasn’t.

“If I weren’t the Chosen One, you wouldn’t want me.”

Now I was crying. Great.

“Oh baby,” he said, gently gathering me to him, “I’d want you even if you were the devil incarnate.”

“Really?” I blubbered.

“Really. I knew from the moment I saw you,” he said, tucking my hair behind my ear and running his thumb along my cheekbone. “You’re so beautiful, so strong,” he whispered, cupping my cheek.

God, this felt so right. I was so small and soft against his hard body. I leaned into his hand and very slowly, very tentatively wrapped my arms around his body. I felt him contract under my hands and heard a soft moan escape his lips. He guided my head to his chest and gently laid us back on the bed. I closed my eyes and breathed him in. I could feel him doing the same.

“What do I smell like to you?” I asked quietly.

“You smell like heaven, like wind and rain. You smell like promise and desire and hope and a little touch of brown sugar.” His voice was husky and I could feel my body tightening. God, he was good. If I weren’t so exhausted from transporting and crying for five hours, I’d be tempted to slip my clothes off, straddle him and make him beg for mercy.

He chuckled, “There will be plenty of time for that,” he said.

Damn it, I think my brain doors have a defect.

“You are mine,” he whispered, running his hand through my hair. “You were meant to be mine. You will always be mine.”

“Aren’t people going to worry about you?” I mumbled, snuggling closer. I could barely keep my eyes open. “Should you go home?”

“I am home, Angel. You are my home,” he said.

I smiled into his chest and fell asleep.

Chapter Nineteen

She was going to die if I didn’t help her. The voice inside the tomb was not weak or sickly. It was strong and melodic and very insistent.

“Astrid, you have to help me,” she begged.

“How do you know my name?” I asked, thrown by the familiarity.

“Because you are part of me,” she replied. “Push the stone, Astrid. Help me, please. You’re the only one.”

“Why does it have to be me? I’m not strong enough,” I insisted. I started to cry. I should get help. Big men... or the police... or a crowbar.

“You are strong enough,” she said simply. “There’s not much time left.” In that moment I knew she was right. I was strong enough. She was going to die if I didn’t get her out. Now.

I walked slowly toward the tomb, my hands outstretched. I could feel the tingling in my fingertips. It quickly spread down my arms, through my chest and into my legs. My heart was pounding inside me, my stomach felt twisted and it was hard to breathe. The wind picked up and blew my hair wildly around my head. I was inches away.

“Push, Astrid,” she gasped.

I placed both of my hands on the tomb and began to push. The tomb started to crumble under my fingers. The stone turned to cold, hard diamonds... beautiful, sparkling sharp ice that sliced into my hands. My hands bled, but I did not stop. I was so close. The blood ran from my hands, down my arms and seeped into the soft white cotton of my shirt. The stunning diamonds were awash in my blood. I knew if I pushed just a little more... I could... The pain was becoming intolerable. Every nerve ending in my body was on high alert.

That damn dream was getting weirder and weirder, and when in the hell did my bed get so lumpy and hard? Prying my eyes open was an impossibility. I’d cried so much they were fused shut. I rearranged myself and realized my sheets had grown muscles and hair. Really soft, sexy hair and muscles that made my fingertips tingle. It was definitely not the tomb lady.

Feigning sleep, I crawled on top of the hot Vampyre in my bed and noticed two things... we were very topless and he was very happy to see me. Hmmm... should I stay or should I go? I should go. Definitely go. Right? No, I should absolutely go...

I opened my eyes and tried to slide off his body, but his arms were like steel bands keeping me pinned where I was. My very aroused body was having an internal bitch fight with my good girl brain. My body was winning...

Wait a freakin’ minute. What in the hell was I doing? Just because he was hot didn’t negate the simple fact he tried to kill me and then he half-Vampyre married me, without my permission, in front of six hundred Vampyres. Not to mention I’d had a screaming Big O in front of said Vampyres, ensuring I would not be able to maintain eye contact for years... possibly centuries.

He was an egotistical, hot, obnoxious, sexy, bossy ass. I should hump a tree before I did the nasty with him.

But he’s so damn hot...

My mind flew back to the graveyard and the visions of what he wanted to do to me. I didn’t think half of it was even legal. A slow heat started between my legs and began to move quickly through the rest of my body. The right corner of his mouth lifted and I knew I was gone. All of the excellent reasons I had come up with vanished. I was staring at the most beautiful man I’d ever seen. I was face-to-face, not to mention body-to-body, with every fantasy I’d ever had.

“Hello, pretty girl,” he murmured as he pressed his lips to mine.

My arms, clearly controlled by my raging hormones, found their way around his neck as my lips parted underneath his extremely insistent ones. He moaned his approval as his tongue began a very deliberate exploration of my mouth.

“Wait a minute,” I demanded, untangling my mouth from his. “How did I lose my shirt?”

“I couldn’t sleep.”

“So getting me partially naked helped you sleep?” I narrowed my eyes and tried not to focus on his perfectly ripped chest.

“No,” he grinned. “But it made staying awake a lot more fun.”

“You do realize you’re a pervert.”

“Agreed,” he said, cupping the back of my head and drawing my lips back to his.

He was making me dizzy and I tried to pull away, but apparently that wasn’t part of his agenda. He held me firmly against his rock hard body. I couldn’t move if I tried. Squirming would only make the mouthwateringly large problem pressing against my tummy bigger. Anyone else would have received my knee to his man bits, but with him... all I wanted to do was press my body even closer.

He slowly made his way from my mouth to my neck. Ohhh my God. “Ethan,” I gasped.

“Yes, Angel?” he answered, lightly scraping his fangs along my neck.

I cried out and he flipped me over, pinning me to the bed with my arms over my head. Damn, that was hot. All of his hard was pressed against all of my soft. My body jerked underneath his and his eyes went an even more brilliant green. I hadn’t been this turned on... well ever. If I could just... wait. Small house. Too many people here. Makes me scream. Pam will give me hell...

When his mouth moved slowly and deliberately down my body, my brain completely fritzed out, to my body’s delight. My mind was a jumbled mess and my body had hatched its own plan. I arched wantonly toward him. His controlled dominance made my thinking erratic and the slickness between my legs was more than obvious to both of us.

“Look at me,” he said, taking my chin in his large hand and forcing me to stare into his beautiful eyes. “Do you know what you do to me?” he demanded, lowering his lips to mine and kissing me senseless.

I writhed beneath him. His eyes were blazing green and I knew mine matched. He tore his mouth from mine and ran his open lips from my jaw to my breast. My back arched up and his chuckle of delight sent shockwaves right to my core. I had never wanted anyone so badly in my life.

“You are beautiful,” he murmured before taking my painfully hard nipple into his mouth. He drew hard and I whimpered, arched higher, and wordlessly begged for more.

I rubbed myself against his hard, sexy body. I wanted him. I wanted to be controlled by him.

I wanted the decision of becoming his mate and having sex with him taken out of my hands.

I wanted him to force me... I wanted to be blameless in a decision I knew I wanted to make. It went against everything I was taught and everything I thought I knew about myself... everything I believed.

He nipped and sucked until I saw stars. He pressed the lower half of his body into mine, creating a rhythm that made me see Jesus. I felt my fangs descend and I pulled Ethan up by his hair until we were face to face. I slanted my mouth across his and drew his tongue into my mouth. He dug his fingers painfully into my hips and increased the speed of his undulating body. I cried out. It was perfect... that mind-numbing sensual place that mixed pleasure and pain.

He groaned into my mouth, cupped the back of my head with one hand and my ass with the other and flipped us over. I wanted to get closer. I wanted to be completely naked and I wanted him inside me, but I wanted more. For the first time, I was conscious of thinking like a Vampyre, not a human. It was scary and liberating.

I slid my lips along his jaw and down his neck. I could feel the blood rushing through his veins. With the tip of my tongue I traced the arteries in his neck, loving the taste of him. My fangs burned and I knew what I had to do. What I wanted to do. What I needed to do. His body tensed beneath mine. Through his jeans, I felt his erection grow bigger.

I scraped his neck with my fangs and his body jerked.

“Angel,” he moaned.

I laughed and lightly punctured his neck with my fangs, without drawing blood. I loved the sound his skin made when I bit into him. It popped. It was different from Pam or The Kev or Gemma. It was right. I knew it with every fiber of my being. As my body writhed on top of his, I reached down and ran my hand up and down the length of him. He was beautiful and mine. I moved in to take what I wanted.

He moaned and drew my head back to his neck. All I could focus on was his skin... the breathtakingly beautiful, smooth pale skin on his neck. The place I would bite him and drink from him and make him mine. Mine. Mine for eternity. It was so clear to me. I had never wanted anything so much. I would mark him and finish what he started...

Wait.

I gasped and jerked back. What in the hell was I doing? Just because my lady bits were on fire didn’t mean I should make a decision that would last a lifetime... a really long lifetime. Would I be doing this if I wasn’t half naked? Or if he wasn’t so freakin’ hot? Was I about to let my need for an earth-shattering orgasm dictate the rest of my undead life? Um... yes. Yes, I was.

“I can’t,” I said. I rolled off of Ethan and buried my head in my hands.

“You’re right.”

“No, Ethan, I really can’t... wait. What?”

“You’re correct. As much as it pains me... and it does,” he said, referring to the unavoidably large bulge in his pants, “this is not how it should happen.”

“So, I guess you don’t want me,” I teased.

“Oh, I want you,” he moaned and chuckled. His green eyes glittered dangerously. My insides jumped, not with fear but with lust, and I wondered if I had been an idiot not to claim him. “Letting you pull away from me was the most difficult thing I’ve done in all my years.”

“First of all, you didn’t let me do anything. I did it myself,” I informed him. “I just didn’t think you were that into it.”

He pulled me into his body and pressed me against some hard evidence to the contrary.

“I’m into it, Angel,” he grinned, “but more importantly, I know that you’re into it.”

“Am not,” I laughed, trying to get out of his embrace.

“Are too,” he said, grabbing me and trapping me underneath him. “Just because you can’t bite me yet,” he informed me with an evil twinkle in his eyes, “doesn’t mean I can’t bite you.” He leaned into my neck.

“Not fair,” I screeched, trying to wrestle him off of me.

“So not fair,” he agreed, “but so going to happen.” He grinned as his fangs elongated.

I gasped in total delight, struggling only to entice him further.

“What in the fuck is going on in there?” Pam bellowed from the hallway.

“Could you hear that?” I asked him.

“Yes.” He had the strangest expression. “Who was that?”

“My Angel, Pam,” I said. “Are you okay?”

“Yes,” he paused, “I just had a... I think... ”

A flash of pained confusion passed his face, and then it was gone.

“It’s nothing,” he smiled and shook his head. “Probably the blue balls I feel coming on, damaging my brain.”

I laughed and kissed him. “So, what are we doing?” I asked.

He considered me and my question for a moment. A slow, sexy smile spread across his beautiful face. “We’re going to get to know each other and I shall court you.”

I grinned. “Court me?”

“Yes, Angel... court,” he proudly informed me.

“Um, Ethan,” I said and rolled my eyes, “you’re kind of showing your age.”

“Yes,” he grinned. “I am.”

“Are we courting exclusively?” I asked with narrowed eyes.

“I don’t know.” He watched me carefully. “Are we?”

“If this is going to be fair, it shouldn’t be exclusive,” I told him.

“Are you seeing someone else?” His eyes flashed green and I saw a streak of possessiveness that scared the hell out of me and turned me on with a vengeance.

“Nooo,” I said, messing with him, “but I might. I’m new to this whole Vamp thing. I don’t even know what’s out there yet.”

He did not like that. I watched the muscle in his jaw clench. He controlled his jealousy, but with effort. God, he was so easy to bait. I could twist him in knots.

“Well, Astrid, I suppose if you don’t mind watching me with other women... we can do it your way.” He crossed his arms over his naked chest and waited for my hissy fit.

“I don’t mind at all,” I lied through my teeth. If he thought I was going to throw a fit in front of him, he had another thing coming. I would simply wait until he left. I grabbed my shirt with shaking hands and yanked it on. What in the hell was going on? Why was I so furious at the thought of him with someone else? Not just furious... murderous. “It’s probably a good idea. I really don’t think we’re suited anyway. So you should just go get laid by a bunch of Vampyre floozies and I’ll... ”

Faster than I could blink, he was on me. I was flat on my back, trapped under the man I wanted to be trapped under.

“Astrid, the only Vamp I want to get laid by is you. And I’m quite sure the only Vamp you want to get laid by is me.”

“Someone’s a little full of himself,” I snapped.

He gave me a lopsided grin and my insides melted. Just the sight of him was a punch to my gut and my heart. Crap.

“This will be fun, Astrid. I look forward to winning you. And make no mistake... I will.”

He leaned in and kissed my very willing, traitorous lips and left. I tried to find my voice, but it was gone. I wanted him to win... I think. But he was going to have to work very hard.

Chapter Twenty

Wandering around the art room at the senior center, I tossed out all the clay phalluses and boobs. Didn’t want to scare my potential replacement. The interviews were going to start in thirty minutes. I’d never interviewed anybody in my life. Ready or not, I had to grow up. Why in the hell they wanted me to interview my replacement was beyond me.

I didn’t want to quit but I had a few new issues... Daylight was a problem, although not as much as it was initially. Apparently my body behaved like a five to six hundred year old Vamp. Sunlight sensitivity wears off with age and it was becoming less of an issue for me, even though I’d only been dead for a month. That pissed Venus off to no end. Even with her black skin, she burned like paper in a fire when she was exposed to the sun.

The main reason I couldn’t teach anymore was time. As an Elite Guard I had to train day and night. Ethan was hell-bent on preparing me for whatever the Chosen One was supposed to do, although no one seemed to know exactly what that was. Turns out, training was for my own safety as well as the safety of everyone around me. Certainly my weapon skills had a long way to go.

For instance, if you threw a dagger it shouldn’t end up embedded in the head of someone on your team. I was sure Cathy thought I did it on purpose. I solemnly swore on my life that it was an accident. Not a good way to become friendly with someone who already hated me. Thank God we were Vampyres, because a human wouldn’t have lived through that one. Apparently the Chosen One had to know how to do it all. Not that they believed I was the Chosen One. Hell, I wasn’t even completely convinced.

If I were them, I would be skeptical too, but I had no intention of proving anything to anybody. Ethan and Venus knew my particulars. Neither one had felt it necessary to enlighten anyone. Fine by me. And good God, I had new powers emerging every day. Ethan and Venus didn’t know the half of it. The Kev and Pam wanted me to keep some of it under wraps.

“Damn it,” I muttered, finding a full scale clay model of male genitalia sitting on my desk. I quickly shoved it in a drawer. “Holy shit, what is that?”

Under my desk was a large pile of what appeared to be dog poop. Charlie had one hell of a sense of humor... I hoped. I crawled under my desk. It didn’t smell and God knew I had a bionic nose. I was loath to touch it just in case it was real but petrified... It wasn’t real. Damn Charlie, I was going to get him back for this one.

“Excuse me,” a child called out. “Is anyone here?

Oh crap, a child? A child was here to teach art to a class of penis-loving seniors? Maybe if I stayed under my desk she’d leave.

“Hello?” she said. “Hello? Anyone here?”

I waited.

“Hello?” She was getting louder. She was not giving up. This child did sound vaguely familiar. She smelled like insecurity and sadness—not dangerous at all. She was lonely. I crawled out from under my desk with a big smile plastered on my face. Wait. Where in the hell did she go?

“Astrid?” a tiny voice said from behind me. How did someone get behind me? I was a Vampyre for Christ’s sake. I whipped around and came face to face with the child—well, kind of since she was about seven inches shorter than me. It was Paris Hilton.

“Holy shit, Paris,” I gasped. “You about scared the life out of me.”

“That’s not possible.” Paris Hilton chuckled at her own joke. “You’re already dead.”

She slapped me on the back and I went flying. Damn, she was strong. I righted myself before I took down a huge pile of charcoals and paint and turned to find her prostrate on the ground before me.

“Oh for God’s sake, get up,” I told her.

“You are the Chosen One,” she said reverently, not budging.

“Chosen shmozen. Get your ass up,” I barked. “Why are you here?”

“I want to teach art. My specialty is pastels, but I adore sculpture and watercolor, too.”

“You do realize these are seniors in the class?”

“Oh yeah, I love old people,” she said, pulling on her straggly black hair.

“What do you mean by that?” I asked, worried.

“What do you mean, what do I mean?” She was confused.

I felt bad saying it, but I liked most of the class and I had a responsibility to them. “Well, um... I mean, do you like them or do you like them?”

Shit, I was starting to sweat.

“Oh, I get it,” Paris giggled. “You mean will I eat them?”

“Yes,” I shouted, both relieved that she figured it out and frightened of what her answer would be.

“No,” she assured me, “old folks don’t taste so good.”

“Great. Good to know.”

“So do I get the job?” she asked.

“Okay, here’s the deal,” I said, eyeing her narrowly, “you got Charlie who likes to touch all women inappropriately. You got Niecey, who stands about four feet tall and is secretly in love with Charlie the Ass Grabber. Mrs. Jenkins is a bulldozer who likes to make whips and handcuffs out of clay. Charlie usually sticks to boobs. Niecey can’t help herself but create out of proportion replicas of the male anatomy. There’s a hilarious gal in the back whose name I can’t remember and she likes to throw art supplies. But... the main problems are Martha and Jane. They are horrible, nasty, mean women. I’m unclear why they even come to the class, but they do. They’ve made my life a living hell for several years and they will do the same or worse to you.” I stared at her long and hard. “How would you deal with all that?”

“Hmmm,” Paris said thoughtfully. “I suppose I’d have Charlie model nude for the class. That would keep him away from the privates and Niecey might have a better chance of sculpting a more realistic penis. I’d make sure the gal in the back never works with knives or scissors since she is fond of launching things. I’d let Mrs. Jenkins think she’s in charge, and as for Martha and Jane... Are they conservative, or religious?” she asked.

“Both.”

Paris grinned happily. “That’s easy! I’d trance them into only being able to utter liberal or sacrilegious statements.”

“Oh my God, can you really do that?” I asked, impressed.

“Hell yeah. I could also zap them bald.”

“Great! You’re hired,” I said, praying to Jesus I wasn’t making a huge mistake. Paris was so excited she grabbed me in a bear hug so tight I was sure she was breaking every bone in my upper body.

“Let go,” I gasped.

She did. I fell to the ground in agony.

“Oh my God,” she shrieked, “I am so sorry. I got excited and I... oh God.” She dropped to a fetal position and began to roll around on the floor. I momentarily forgot my own pain and watched the most bizarre reaction to anything I’d ever seen in my life.

“Um... Paris,” I said.

“Yes?” She stopped rolling and looked at me.

“Are you gonna do that if something goes wrong in class?”

“Um... no?” she asked.

“No,” I told her. “Under no circumstance can you ever do that around the seniors.”

She was shocked, “Really?”

“Really,” I replied, beginning to wonder if I was high.

“Another thing,” I continued, “if you physically destroy the classroom, I will kick your ass from here into the next century.”

“Good to know... good to know,” she told me without an ounce of sarcasm.

“Oh, and Muffy is not allowed in here. Ever.” I could just imagine the shit storm that would ensue if the Muffster showed up.

“You don’t have to worry about her. She can’t go out in the sun at all.”

“You can?”

She nodded. I was surprised. She was only about ninety or so in Vamp years.

“I can tolerate it quite well,” she said with pride.

“So the Vamps that changed you and your... comrades... were really old?”

“Oh no,” Paris said darkly, “they were young, but they didn’t turn me.”

I stared at her. “Oookay, you lost me. If they didn’t turn you, who did?”

“Prince Ethan turned me.”

What the fu... ? Why would Ethan turn Paris Hilton? No offense, but...

“I’m sure you’re wondering why,” she said slowly.

Son of a bitch, another mind reader? I shut my brain doors and regrouped. If everybody could read minds, why couldn’t I?

“I am curious,” I said gently.

She started rocking from one foot to the other. Back and forth... back and forth. I could smell her uncertainty and fear, her anger and her sadness. “Those other Vamps, the bad ones, changed everyone in the freak show... everyone except me. Muffy almost escaped—she’s a contortionist.” She stopped and stared at the ceiling. “They beat me for several days, but for some reason I wouldn’t die. I wanted to... I really did, but I just kept on living.”

She fiddled with her T-shirt and pushed her hair behind her ears. “It angered them I wouldn’t die. They wouldn’t give up. They just tried harder.” She tucked her concert T-shirt into her leggings and wrapped her slender arms around her body. “They increased their efforts. They were so furious that Muffy almost got away and that I wouldn’t die so they... ” She looked up and continued without emotion. “So they burned me and took turns raping me... repeatedly. When that didn’t work, they cut my throat.”

If I’d had a beating heart it would have stopped. As it was, whatever was in there broke. I felt so much anger I was numb. I couldn’t say anything. All I wanted to do was to gather her into my arms and rock her, but she wasn’t finished.

“Eventually they left, and for some god-awful reason I was still alive. The Elite Guard arrived and found all of us, including what was left of me.” Her sweet voice was so soft now I had to lean in to hear her. “Prince Ethan found me. I was disgusting. Anyone else would have simply found me beyond repair... but not the Prince.” She smiled a little. “He gave me a choice—he would help me die, or I could become a Vampyre and join his Dominion. He told me he would be honored to have someone as strong as I was as one of his people. Anyone who had survived what I had deserved to live. He said he would care for me like a daughter, and he always has.”

“Why were they only banished? Why weren’t they put to death?”

“Because the Prince gave me a gift,” she said with pride. “He banished them so I would have the pleasure of killing them. I trained for a year and when I was ready, I had his permission and blessing to go after them. And I did.”

Boy, I was getting really desensitized to death. The end of that story made me so happy I almost clapped. I walked to her and took her little damaged body and wounded spirit into my arms and I did what I had wanted to do. I rocked her like a baby while she cried.

When she finished I sat down with her on the floor.

“Oh, I’ve got one little problem,” Paris said, wiping the pink tears from her cheeks.

“What’s that?” I asked.

“I got kicked out of my House and I don’t have anywhere to live at the moment. Can I move in with you?” Paris asked.

“Um, no. Absolutely not. Out of the question... but I think I might have an idea.”

Chapter Twenty-One

Tonight when I woke up my monsters were in bed with me, cuddled up like warm puppies—minus the fur. They came off the ceiling a few days ago, but only a few minutes at a time, ‘til now. Our relationship was progressing, what with the sleepovers and all. Ethan would be so jealous.

I had always assumed Ross and Rachel were a couple, and that Honest Abe and Beyonce were a couple. But if sleeping positions were any indication, all my monsters were gay. Beyonce and Rachel were very tangled up in each other, while Ross and Honest Abe were spooned up sweetly. It did make sense. The boys had always been far more concerned with my ensembles than the girls. They also had better taste.

Cuddling with my monsters delighted me. I liked playing with Ross’ hair—it felt like Velcro. Beyonce was a great singer and some of the sounds she made were beginning to sound like words. All of her songs seemed to be about her vicious mother. We did have that in common. Honest Abe gave me arm tickles by very lightly running his razor sharp claws up and down the inside of my arm. Rachel was my girl... she would play with my hair for hours on end.

I loved feeding them breezes of Glitter Magic and watching them run around my bed like tiny drunks on speed. I didn’t even find them unattractive anymore.

“You guys are beautiful,” I cooed, tickling Ross’ fat little belly. He screamed with joy and blew me kisses.

“Dadadadadadablablabla,” Rachel told me urgently. All the monsters froze and stared at her in horror.

Oh shit.

“What?” I asked, stupidly thinking I could understand. Why in the hell couldn’t I understand? I was half Demon for God’s sake.

“Dadadadadadablablabla,” she repeated. Honest Abe smacked her in the head and they all began to wrestle and punch each other. Ross kept running over to hug me and then dove back into the fray.

I sighed and wondered if their brawl indicated a bad night ahead. I had a ton of stuff to do on this fine evening and I didn’t need any unplanned drama.

I picked up my brawling babies and tossed them back up to the ceiling. Ross didn’t want to leave me. I gave him a kiss and promised to be back soon. He reluctantly let me lob him back up.

I pulled on some black yoga pants, a hot pink jogging bra, some fabulous sparkly, silver beaded flip-flops and put my hair in a ponytail. I adjusted the girls, slapped on some lip gloss and I was ready to go. I had fight and weapons training at the Cressida House in a couple of hours and I’d found the less clothing I wore, the better. First off, too much clothing can encumber movement. Second, the less I wore, the more distracted the male Vamps got. It was a lot easier to take down a distracted Vamp than a focused one.

That left me about three hours to get Paris Hilton all settled, but I needed to eat first.

* * *

“What do you want, Assbutt?” Pam yelled as I sidled up to her on the couch. “Can’t you see I’m in the middle of my program?”

She didn’t like people to bother her or to talk or move during Jerry Springer. Of course, she was excluded and allowed to shout her head off at the desperately pathetic people who enjoyed displaying their backward-ass screwed up lives on national television. It was more fun to watch her watching the shows than the shows themselves.

“I’m hungry,” I told her, crawling into her lap. She gathered me to her without missing a beat of her program.

The Kev and Gemma joined us, looking suspiciously flushed. Hmm... maybe that two thousand year age difference wasn’t such a big deal anymore.

“Hello, my strudel cheeks,” The Kev whispered. He too was in fear of Pam’s right hook, frequently dealt out when anyone spoke during Jerry Springer.

“What are you doing tonight?” Gemma whispered.

“Oh for fuck’s sake,” Pam groused, “you people can talk. I’ve seen this one four times already. It’s not his baby.” We turned our attention to the TV. “You see that dumbass in the blue shirt?” she asked. We nodded. “He’s gonna try to choke his cheating hooker of a wife, and then that fine lookin’ bald security guy is gonna come out and pound his ass. I really like me a nice, beefy bald guy with big muscles.”

Sure enough, she was right. Blue shirt got an ass-pounding from the bald beefy guy.

“I’m going over to Nana’s house. I’m going to let Paris Hilton live there for a while,” I told Gemma. “Then I have weapons and fight training at the Cressida House.”

Did she have a hickey on her neck?

“Back the fuck up.” Pam started laughing. “You’re letting Paris Hilton live in your Nana’s house?”

“Yes, and she’s taking over my teaching job at the senior center,” I added defensively.

The Kev winked at me. “You have the balls that are big,” he chuckled. Good God, was he wearing a muumuu?

“Holy hell, child,” Pam laughed, “have you lost your mind?”

“You know what?” I shouted, “I like her and she knows a lot about art and she got kicked out of her House because... .” I realized I had no idea why she was ousted from her Vampyre sorority and I had a feeling it was better that way. “I know she’s weird-looking and talks like an eight year old and seems to enjoy breaking furniture, but she’s had a really hard life and death,” I informed my open-mouthed crowd. “I want to take care of her. She makes my non-beating heart hurt. Pam, you’re going online to buy her some clothes in size zero that are not black and don’t have a rock band on them. Gemma... ” I held my hand up to stop her before she could speak. “I have plenty of money with my inheritance and I’ll feel a lot better spending it on someone other than myself.”

I really, truly felt like I was going to hurl. I knew this was an impossibility for Vamps, but nonetheless, the thought of relocating Paris to Nana’s house seemed like a good idea until I actually said it out loud. I had to sit down and put my head between my knees. I was dizzy, but I knew I was right. I looked up, expecting more crap from the nutty people I considered my family. They all smiled with love and pride. Nary a swear word passed Pam’s lips. She put her arms out and I cuddled back up into her ample and beautiful lap.

“You’re a good girl,” she said as she rocked me. I sank my fangs into her neck. Gemma curled up next to me and rubbed my back. The Kev sat at my feet and rested his head on my shins.

How did I ever get so lucky?

* * *

The house smelled like Nana. I hadn’t been back since I’d become a Vampyre and had my new nose. It smelled like freesia and lilies with a hint of brown sugar. Like Nana. It smelled so good, I wanted to cry. For a while after she died, I couldn’t come back here at all. I kept expecting to find her, and everyone would realize what I already knew. She wasn’t really dead. That never happened.

I took a deep cleansing breath and stepped back into reality. I wandered around the house. It felt good and safe and real to be here. The rest of my life was spinning around me like a deadly tornado. I was having horrible nightmares about Petra. Pam wasn’t convinced that she was dead. I, on the other hand, was sure she was dead. Being eaten by Demons clearly meant death... although who in the hell knew. Maybe she wasn’t mortal. Maybe she wasn’t dead.

“Astrid?”

“Hey, Paris.” I quickly wiped away the tear rolling down my cheek.

“You okay?” she asked, her arms full of suitcases and art supplies.

“I’m fine.” I smiled and relieved her of some of her load. “You really are an artist.”

“Yeah, I’m not that good, but I love it,” she said, dropping her suitcase and looking around. “This house is pretty.”

“I know,” I muttered, wondering what Nana would think of me installing Paris Hilton, the violent little Vampyre, in her home. A small tickle of warmth settled in my stomach and bounced all through my body. What the fu... ?

“Oh my God.” I grabbed the back of the couch for balance.

“What?” Paris shrieked, pulling a wicked-looking knife from her bag. She slammed me down on the couch and sat on me, ready to defend me.

“No, Paris. It’s not bad. Nana wants you here,” I grunted, positive she’d crushed my ribs.

“Who’s Nana?” she asked, still unwilling to relinquish her weapon or her seat on my back.

“My Nana, my grandmother,” I groaned, shoving her off.

“She’s not going to mind sharing her house with a Vampyre?” Paris asked skeptically, putting her knife into her belt.

“No, she’s dead.”

“Great! When can I meet her?”

“Not our kind of dead. For real dead,” I said quietly.

“Oh.” She fidgeted with her stringy hair and stared at the rug. “I’m sorry. I can still smell her. Brown sugar and flowers... she was good.”

“She was.” I gingerly moved to the other side of the room. Her protection was going to kill me, or at least break something. “So anyway, you’re going to live here and if you fuck the place up I will kill you. For real dead.”

“Got it.”

“She loved me and she would have loved you too,” I told her as I dragged her suitcase to the guest room.

“I’m not really what you would call lovable,” Paris muttered as she followed me down the hallway.

I stopped and turned. “You are lovable, Paris. You deserve love and so do I.”

“Well, um... okay.”

“Good. That’s settled. There’s a stupid car coming to pick me up, so I have to go. But as lovable as you are, just remember I will destroy you if you fuck with Nana’s house.”

“Roger that,” she grinned.

I grinned back and wondered for the umpteenth time if all my brain cells disappeared when I died.

Chapter Twenty-Two

I left Paris happily puttering around Nana’s living room and waited for my ride to the Cressida House. The Vampyres were so formal with me that it was humorous and alarming. They insisted on a car and a driver. They also posted guards outside my house. I would lay odds that Ethan was behind it.

Those that believed I was the Chosen One often dropped to their knees in my presence. Most just bowed their heads. All of it made me hyperaware of how different I was. I supposed many of them were still afraid of me after witnessing the Dangling Vampyre Show.

To complicate matters further, their Prince was a-courtin’ me, so even if a Vampyre found me attractive he wouldn’t dare show it. No one would challenge the Prince. He was revered, adored and feared. That made it a little difficult to date. I debated whether or not Ethan had forbidden any male to come near me. They all ignored me, except one—Heathcliff. His attraction was mixed with frustration and anger that made me sad and uncomfortable. He refused to spar during training and went out of his way not to touch me, but I could feel his eyes on me constantly.

It was very difficult for a Vampyre to hide attraction due to scent. His lust was easily detectable and it wasn’t one-sided. I was attracted to him too, but it was so confusing and complicated. If I was meant to be Ethan’s mate, why did I feel this connection to Heathcliff? Not only did I feel this for him, it extended to his sister Cathy. I wanted her to like me. I wanted to be friends. Of course, nailing her in the head with a dagger last week didn’t help matters. She wanted nothing to do with me. She, unlike her brother, sparred with me every chance she got. I found myself going easy on her. This, of course, infuriated her.

Heathcliff was a beautiful fighter. He was strong, precise and deadly. He was a superb mind reader and could also fly. I couldn’t fly, but I could transport. None of them could do that. Vampyres were not supposed to be able to do that. Then again, I wasn’t just any Vampyre—although God knows I wished I were.

Ethan hadn’t been participating in training. This was good on several levels, the most relevant being I couldn’t think straight around him. As far as fighters go, there was none better. He was the strongest, fastest, most deadly Vampyre of them all. No one wanted to tangle with him. He fought like a force of nature. He was a force of nature. I didn’t think he would have reacted well to the Heathcliff situation. To top it all off, I had guessed it correctly—way back when, they were best friends. Couldn’t get much worse.

The car pulled up, a sleek Mercedes sedan. I got into the front seat. They could pick me up all they wanted, but I refused to ride in the back seat. I refused to behave as if I was better than whoever they’d chosen to drive me that day.

“Hello, Astrid,” Heathcliff said. My stomach dropped. Why in the hell didn’t I get in the back? Shit, shit, shit.

“Heathcliff,” I nodded and stared straight ahead. My voice sounded tiny.

“How are you tonight, Astrid?” he asked.

“I’m okay. How are you?” Small talk was going to suck.

“I’m not so good, Astrid. Do you know why I’m not so good?” he asked.

“No,” I whispered. Oh help me, God. This was not something I could handle right now.

“I’m not good because you’re very close to mating with my best friend who also happens to be my Prince, and I want you for myself. That puts me in a rather bad situation, don’t you think?”

He certainly got right to the point.

“Um... yes.” I wanted to be anywhere but stuck in close quarters with him. I could transport home but that would make me a chickenshit. I was not a chickenshit.

“Astrid, look at me.”

I slowly turned my head and looked into his killer blue eyes.

He pulled the sedan over and stared at me.

He was absolutely beautiful. Where Ethan made me feel out of control, without the ability to reason, Heathcliff made me feel calm and happy. I knew I was safe with both of them, but I began to panic. I was attracted to two men. Really attracted. This was so not good. I felt a little lightheaded, and I wasn’t sure if I was going to giggle uncontrollably or cry.

“Sometimes,” he continued, “if a fire starts with an explosion, it burns out quickly. Everything in its path gets destroyed, turned to ash. Then it is gone... forever.” He watched me closely. “If it starts out with a spark, even a small one, and slowly picks up heat it can develop into something beautiful and meaningful. A healthy fire, full of warmth and love... and it will last.”

Kill. Me. Now. He was making sense. Did it matter that I didn’t feel the sexual attraction to Heathcliff that I did to Ethan? I did find Heathcliff attractive. My God, who wouldn’t? Was it even real what I felt for Ethan? Would we crash and burn? Did I really want to be part of the Royal Family? It was hard enough to make friends just being the Chosen One. Heathcliff was attracted to me before he knew I was the Chosen One, but his motives could be suspect too.

“Is this about your sister?” I asked, praying it wasn’t.

“What are you talking about?”

“Are you trying to take me out of the running so Cathy can still be with him?”

“Again,” he said, looking at me like I was nuts, “what are you talking about?”

“Don’t your sister and Ethan... ” I trailed off.

“Do my sister and Ethan have sex? Is that what you’re asking?” I could feel him staring at me. I looked at the floor. “The answer is yes, occasionally, from what I understand... ” He stopped, debating whether to go on. He went on, “... with the knowledge that when they find their true mates, their relationship is over and they will become friends.” I knew he didn’t want to tell me any of that. “My sister can look out for herself. Trust me, my intentions toward you have nothing to do with my sister. My intentions have everything to do with me and how I feel about you.”

“Are you asking me to mate with you?” I whispered.

“No,” he said, taking my hands in his, “not yet. I’m asking you to give me a chance. I’m asking you not to mate with anyone yet.” His eyes burned a shimmering green. “We have a connection. It may not be as crazy as the other one, but it’s real and it cannot be ignored. I just want you to give me a chance.”

Damn Vampyres, they were so beautiful it was hard to deny them anything. This one was making too much sense.

“I’m... I wish... ” What in the hell was I trying to say?

He smiled gently at me. “I’m so sorry to hear about your mother.”

“Thank you,” I murmured. He was probably the sweetest man I’d ever met, apart from The Kev. Kind, gentle, good and so pretty... I think he’s prettier than me.

“That’s not possible,” he smiled with those dimples. “You are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.”

Shitfire. Mind readers.

“Heathcliff, that’s not fair,” I laughed and quickly closed the doors in my head. His spicy, brown-sugary scent was making me feel a little slaphappy.

He chuckled, “I love how you say my name, and just so you know, I’m not always nice.” He smiled a killer sexy smile and I was glad I was sitting, because I felt my knees go a little weak. “Anyway, all’s fair in love and war.”

“How old were you when your mom died?” I asked, abruptly changing the subject.

“I was eight and Cathy was three,” he told me, pulling back a bit at the unexpected detour.

“Do you remember her?”

“Yes, I remember her well. She was beautiful inside and out. She had wild, dark curly hair and sky blue eyes. She had a lovely mouth, kissed us constantly, and she sang like the angels in Heaven.”

“She reminds me of my Nana,” I said wistfully.

“Your Nana?”

“My mom’s mom,” I sighed. “I adored her. She raised me. Not my mom. My mother was... um... .well, not so much into being a mother. Your mom sounds a lot like my Nana, right down to the singing voice of an angel.”

“Where is she? I’d love to meet her,” Heathcliff said.

“She died last fall.” I looked down and fiddled with my yoga pants. When I looked up he was staring at me so intently, if I still had breath it would have caught in my throat.

“You’ve had quite a few changes this year,” he said, reaching out to touch my face. If that wasn’t the understatement of the century.

I laid my hand over his as he placed it on my cheek. “Heathcliff, why do women die during the change if they’ve borne a child?”

“We don’t know. It may have something to do with the fact that a mother is from the light. She has created life and we are from the dark,” he said slowly, “but it’s a bad death... very prolonged and very painful.” He shifted uncomfortably. “Vampyres were not organized for thousands of years. It’s only in the last three hundred years or so that we have become internationally connected. We didn’t share information. We lived in hiding for the most part and our government, The Royal Family, was only accepted as law by some.”

He slid his hand down my face and arm and gently took my hand in his. “Many Vampyres tried to change their mortal wives only to have devastatingly tragic results, but they didn’t know. Many Vampyres... ” he paused, debating how much to say. “Many Vampyres who inadvertently killed their wives harbor a great resentment to our King.”

“Why?” I wasn’t following.

“Because he knew about this, yet he never spoke of it. The King’s first wife was Queen Paloma. She’s the mother of Princess Lelia, the Monarch of Africa.” The gorgeous Betsy Johnson wearing Vamp who wanted to kill me in the graveyard. “He loved her above all the others. She was strong and fun-loving as the stories go. She could hold her spirits well and trade stories with the men that would make them blush. She wanted the King to change her. She loved him so fiercely that she wanted to spend eternity with him, and he with her. They did it in secrecy. Her death was horrific and went on for several weeks... weeks filled with excruciating agony. The King wanted to kill himself, but she would not hear of it. She made him promise to go on, vowing to come back to him someday.”

“Has she come back?”

“Not yet,” Heathcliff said sadly. “He still waits for her. After her death, the King was so devastated he told no one for one hundred years what they had done or how it turned out. He never tried to change another one of his wives.”

“He had multiple wives?” Holy shit, did Ethan have a bunch of wives too?

“Yes, that was an acceptable practice then, but most Vampyres practice monogamy, and when they find their true mate the point of multiple lovers is moot anyway.”

Thank you, Jesus. “Did any of them know why he wouldn’t change them?” I was fascinated.

“No, and some were filled with great anger because of this. He changed all eleven of his children, but none of his wives. One of his wives in particular tried repeatedly to get him to change her. She resorted to begging, then eventually blackmail and attempts on his life.”

“Oh my God.” This was better than Jerry Springer. “What happened to her?” I asked.

“She was banished, and died after a while. It was her child who was supposedly killed,” he said.

“Do you think the King did it?” I loved me some Jerry Springer behavior.

“No, absolutely not,” Heathcliff said. “He loves all of his children to distraction. He searched for over a hundred years for Juliet. He still holds out hope that she is alive.”

“God, that’s sad... and weird,” I said.

“I’ve always found it odd that we have never found proof of her death,” he said.

God, he smelled good. “Well, it would be awfully difficult to hide for five hundred years, dontcha think?”

“That would depend on your gifts.” He tilted his head to the side and looked me up and down slowly. “Someone like you could get away with a lot.” His eyes twinkled.

“Whatever do you mean?” Was I flirting? Yep, I was flirting.

“Well,” he said and moved toward me, “if you didn’t want to be somewhere, you could transport.” He kept moving closer. His scent was making me giddy. “For example,” he inched forward, “if you didn’t want to be here, with me... right now... in this car... wearing very little... ” His eyes flashed green as they roamed my body. “You could disappear,” he whispered.

Our lips were mere inches apart.

He was right. I could disappear, but I didn’t want to. I wanted to be here in this moment with him. The gorgeous green of his eyes was almost making me forget about Ethan. Almost. I’m not sure a tsunami would make me forget about Ethan. I felt a bit like I was cheating, but Heathcliff was right. We did have a connection and it was strong. I owed it to myself and to him to find out what it meant.

“I want to give you a chance,” I whispered. I felt my eyes go green. He grinned at me with those killer dimples. Those dimples could make a girl faint.

We leaned into each other very slowly, eyes locked, and we kissed. His lips were warm and soft and sweet. He cradled my head in his hands and deepened the kiss. He definitely knew what he was doing. I kissed him back, but...

We pulled apart and looked at each other in surprise.

“Let me try that again,” he said, trying to mask his confusion.

“Okay,” I agreed, re-situating myself so our bodies were closer. Maybe that was the problem. He leaned in and I let my lips part underneath his. I wrapped my arms around him and tried pressing my body into his.

Oh. My. God. Who was laughing? What the fu... ? It was me. I was laughing? Wait... he was laughing. Thank God it wasn’t me. Wait... Why in the hell is he laughing? Did I kiss funny? Shit, I was laughing. We were both laughing.

Clearly this is not working.

“What in the hell was that?” Heathcliff leaned back in his seat, still laughing and put his hands over his eyes.

“I don’t know,” I giggled.

“I felt like I was kissing my sister,” he groaned.

“Me too,” I said, punching him in the arm.

“I feel like your sister?” he asked, mortified.

“No,” I stammered, trying to suppress laughter, “not my sister... my brother.”

“Oookay,” Heathcliff said, “clearly our connection is not sexual.”

“Nope,” I agreed, “it’s not.”

“What is it then?” He searched my face for answers.

“I have no idea, but the connection is there. It’s real and it feels good.”

“Maybe we’re supposed to be friends,” he said quietly.

“Yes, but it’s more than that... although it’s definitely not lovers,” I said, wishing I knew exactly what I meant.

He smiled, but it was sad. “Definitely not lovers,” he agreed. He took my hand in his and he squeezed it. This time there was nothing sexual behind it.

“Whoever you fall in love with will be the luckiest woman in the world,” I told him.

“Ahhh, but she won’t get my whole heart,” he said. “A part of it shall always belong to you.”

I wanted to cry. Why in the hell do I never end up with the nice guy?

Heathcliff chuckled, “Astrid, your brain doors are open.”

“Crap.”

“Astrid, just so you know, Ethan is a nice guy. He’s one of the best. He is the finest man I know.”

I looked down. I didn’t want to discuss Ethan with him. I had no idea what I was going to do about Ethan. Even though there was nothing romantic between Heathcliff and me, he’d given me a lot to think about where Ethan was concerned. Nice guy or no, Ethan and I might be too combustible.

Heathcliff took my chin in his hand and gently lifted my face up to his. “We are connected. I believe we are connected for eternity,” he said. “We will care for each other, we will have each other’s backs, and we will never betray one another. We will love each other as brother and sister.”

He pulled a small dagger from his boot and sliced his palm. I took his dagger and did the same. We joined hands and we mixed our blood. It was right.

Afterwards I wrapped my arms around him and laid my head on his chest. “How’s Cathy going to feel about this?” I asked.

I felt his body shudder at the thought. “She’ll get used to it. Eventually.”

Chapter Twenty-Three

Fight training at the Cressida House was ugly and painful. The training facilities were top notch, including a huge gym with every machine known to man. There was a boxing ring and a three mile indoor circular running track.

The training center also encompassed a very large empty area covered in mats for sparring. There was an observation deck on the north wall about forty feet up. It was accessible from an outside set of stairs. One building contained a shooting range and a cavernous room filled with weapons—swords, daggers, katanas, throwing stars, guns and then some.

The weapons building also housed an area used for knife throwing. I spent many hours there after I nailed Cathy in the head. Thank you Jesus, I was getting more proficient with daggers and swords. I really didn’t want to kill one of my comrades by accident.

After the car kissing debacle, Heathcliff decided it was okay to spar with me. That would have been fine, but the son of a bitch punched as hard as The Kev. If I didn’t have healing powers, I’d be dead on the floor. After the third punch to my head, which may have caused brain damage, I understood why he was in charge of the Elite Guard.

“Are you okay?” Venus whispered as she pulled me to my feet.

“Fucking awesome,” I muttered, getting up for another round. I was going to wipe the floor with Heathcliff’s ass soon. I just needed to live through his attempt at wiping the floor with mine.

Venus, much to my great delight and relief, was also chosen to be a new Guard. She was present along with the other new recruits. None of them really spoke to me. Actually, most of the Vamps in general stayed away from me. I couldn’t tell if they were scared of me or just showing respect to the Chosen One. Whatever it was, it made me feel bad.

The majority of the existing Guard, including Ethan, was out on patrol, but several were here to put us through our paces. Cathy, looking thrilled to see me, was here along with Samuel, Luke and David. I loved that all the senior male Guards had Biblical names. I wondered if that was a requirement.

The veterans stretched us. While that may sound lovely, it wasn’t. It was freakin’ excruciating. Having a two hundred and thirty pound Vampyre push your leg up over your head with all his weight behind it sucked. Bad.

“Son of a bitch, Samuel,” I grunted. “That kills.”

“Not as much as the razor stubble on your leg is killin’ me,” he laughed and pushed harder.

“You’re a shithat,” I shouted through the pain. I was sure Samuel was going to pull one of my legs out of the socket and right off my body.

“What the fuck is a shithat?” he asked, truly puzzled.

“I have no clue,” I moaned as he yanked my body into a pretzel.

Not everyone was intimidated by me, and Samuel certainly wasn’t. I think that’s why I liked him so much. He couldn’t have cared less if I were Queen of the World or just some random Vamp off the street.

He was a big, good-looking guy with mocha skin, spiky black hair and long, lean muscles. His nose was a little crooked and he had a wonderful jagged scar that ran along his left cheekbone. It made him look dangerous. Hell, he was dangerous. They all were. He had intelligent dark brown eyes, the speed of a cheetah, a beautiful smile and an infectious laugh. Everyone loved Samuel, especially the ladies, from what I understood. He took great pleasure in repeatedly explaining to me that the Chosen One should be able to kick his ass. Clearly that hadn’t happened yet.

“You are such a pussy,” Samuel yelled gleefully as he put me in a chokehold.

“You are a son of a bitch, Asshat,” I tried to yell back, but it came out all muffled due to my head being trapped in his armpit.

“God,” he shouted, “you are the wimpiest recruit I’ve had in over ninety years.”

He forcefully threw me to the mat. As he was about to body slam me, I quickly rolled to my left, hopped up and gave him a round house kick to the head. He staggered back, grinning like an idiot.

I realized I was grinning like an idiot too. Who knew violence could be so much fun? “I’ve had about enough of your shit, you dress-wearin’, backward-ass momma’s boy,” I panted, egging him on.

“Ooooo, sticks and stones... ” he yelled and flipped me off, still grinning from ear to ear.

He ran at me with speed that almost made him disappear... almost. I dropped down to my right. I threw my leg out and undercut him, sending him flying. He landed with a thud on his back. With swift aggression I didn’t know I possessed I pinned him and elbow slammed him in the face. The crunch was horrific and blood spurted everywhere. Samuel moaned and rolled around on the floor as he tried to adjust his nose and realign his cheekbones and eye sockets.

“Oh my God,” I screamed and dropped to the ground to help him. “I am so sorry.”

He was laughing. He grabbed me in a bear hug and bled all over me. “I am so proud of you,” he gurgled through the blood. “You are finally close to kicking my ass.”

“I’d say that was more than close.” I was so relieved that he wasn’t mad or dead.

“Astrid, you have to stop holding back,” he said. It was difficult to take him seriously with all the blood gushing from his face.

“Samuel, you’re my friend. I don’t have too many of those and I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You can’t, Astrid,” he smiled, wiping his blood off of my face. “Short of you setting me on fire, removing my head or putting a silver stake through my heart, you can’t permanently hurt me. We’re Vampyres. We heal.” He ruffled my hair and pulled me to my feet. I was amazed at how quickly his face was mending back together.

“How old are you, Samuel?” I asked. He had to be old to heal that fast.

“One thousand and three.”

“Holy shit, you’re older than dirt!”

“That’s right, little girl, and I have been waiting for the Chosen One for a long time. I assumed when he or she came along, I’d finally find a good fighting partner. But noooo,” he laughed. “Who knew she’d be such a fucking weak little peckerhead?”

“That’s it,” I yelled, putting Samuel into a headlock and swinging him around like a doll. “I’ve had enough of your shit, you redneck jackass.” I threw him across the room with such force I knew I broke both of his legs and possibly his back.

When and how did I become so violent... and when did I start to enjoy it?

“Now that’s what I’m talking about,” he grinned through his excruciating pain and gave me a thumbs-up. “If I were the real bad guy, you would have incapacitated me enough to stake me or decapitate me. I am so proud of you!”

I smiled at my crazy, very injured friend. I was sure it would take him at least a day to recover from what I had just done. I ran over and propped him gently against the wall. He squeezed my hand with pride and I kissed him on the forehead. I was torn between feeling really bad and really good. I turned to find the rest of the Vampyres in the room gaping at me in shock. Fucktard... they all wanted a piece of me now. I looked around and made eye contact with each one of them. It was do or die time...

“Who’s next?” I asked.

Cathy stepped forward. “I am.”

I looked down at the floor and took a moment to regroup. If I had thought it through, I wouldn’t have asked that question. I would have challenged Luke or David or even Heathcliff, but I didn’t think and now I was stuck. Samuel gave me a gentle push toward the mat. I looked to Heathcliff and he nodded.

Cathy intercepted the look and grunted in disgust. “Come on, you stupid holier-than-thou bitch. Come and try to get a piece of me.” She was crazy. “Your silly little outfit won’t distract me, dear,” she said, looking pointedly at her brother.

There was power in stillness, so I walked to the center of the mat and waited. I stood quietly and claimed my space. Cathy circled me, dissipating her energy because of her anger and pride. I kept my eyes on her and my knees slightly bent, ready to spring.

The fighting techniques that we had to master were a mixture of martial arts and pure brute strength. One of the favorites included Dim Mak, also known as the Death Touch. This technique would kill a mortal instantly, but didn’t kill Vampyres. It could knock them out or delay their reaction, which provided valuable staking or decapitating time. Iaido involved swords, specifically the katana. Ninjutsu involved throwing knives and stars. That was the one I had a little trouble with—just ask Cathy. And then there was my favorite, Capoeira, which was very dance-like yet still very aggressive.

Katanas, throwing stars and daggers seemed to be the weapons of choice, but we had to be excellent marksmen too. Guns were not considered honorable, but Vampyres were very practical. Unfortunately, in today’s world they were necessary. Several of the older Guards, my buddy Samuel included, were outstanding archers. However, I had tricks up my sleeves that they weren’t aware of. That was why I fought so hard not to lose control. I was fairly sure I could kill every Vampyre in this room with Magic, and I really wished that was not the case. I didn’t want the responsibility that came with my power.

Thankfully, The Kev had taught me how to separate Kill Magic from Damage Magic. It wasn’t easy. I had accidentally killed a robin in my backyard when I was practicing and I cried for three hours. Let me assure you, it wasn’t a pleasant death for the bird. I was positive whoever decided that I was the Chosen One had made a terrible mistake. If I had trouble killing a bird... I refused to finish the rest of the thought.

The Kev assured me that a killing machine that was capable of compassion, like me, would be one of the ultimate warriors of all time. I didn’t understand his logic, but I prayed he was right. I had a bad feeling about whatever trouble was headed my way. I had no idea if I would be up to the challenge.

Cathy was getting impatient and I let her. Too much aggression led to carelessness and mistakes. She should know better. “I know why you’re holding back,” she jeered.

I just stared.

“You’re afraid of me,” she smiled. It wasn’t pretty. “You know if you give it your all and I win... which I will... you’re nothing. You’re less than nothing, and Ethan will soon know it.”

Several of the Vamps in the room laughed uncomfortably.

I stayed silent.

“Are you going to fight me this time, Angel?” All the Elite Guard gasped. Ethan was the only one allowed to call me Angel. I couldn’t have given a shit, but the fact that she said it was serious business. No one messed around with the Prince’s edicts. She clearly had a death wish.

I didn’t want to hurt her. I knew she would heal, but for some reason hurting her was abhorrent to me. She clearly didn’t feel the same way. Why on earth I felt protective of her was beyond me. It wasn’t about Ethan anymore, and it certainly wasn’t because she was sweet or defenseless. Maybe it was because she smelled so similar to Heathcliff. I suppose scent ran in the family. I couldn’t figure out my reticence.

“Jealousy is ugly,” I told her calmly. My plan was to set her up, piss her off, let her pound on me and be done with it. I would not fight back.

“You bitch,” she screamed, attacking and knocking me to the ground. One of her hands was around my throat and the other was slapping me viciously across the face. “Fight me,” she growled. “Damn you... fight me,” she begged.

She was crazed and desperate. I could feel blood dripping from my lip and my eye was swelling shut. God, that hurt. I looked into her eyes. She needed to fight me more than I needed to not hurt her. Fine. She wanted a piece of me? A piece of me she would get.

I turned over and flipped her off of me. I flicked my fingers and sent her flying across the room at about fifty miles an hour. She hit a huge stack of chairs. It sounded like a bomb going off, echoing ominously throughout the room. I was sure that couldn’t have felt good, but she was right back up and coming at me like a runaway freight train. She was so angry, it made her sloppy. I sidestepped her and gut punched her at the same time. It was a little difficult to see with one eye swollen shut and the other on the way there, but I hit my target. Hard.

She roared in frustration and pulled two very sharp, curved daggers from her belt. I was assuming they were steel and not silver. We weren’t allowed to use silver during practice, but who the hell knew with Cathy? Silver was extremely painful for us, and of course deadly if run through the heart. I could stick steel or wood or copper straight through my heart over and over and not die, but silver... not so much. I quickly protected myself. I touched my hands to my chest and a glittery breeze shot out all around me, shielding me from all weapons including bullets. I heard Heathcliff gasp. I caught his eye for a moment and he stared at me in awe.

Cathy screamed and threw down her weapons. “What, you can’t fight the normal way, you whore?”

She did not just call me a whore. I was a lot of things, but a whore was not one of them.

She was on my last nerve. I needed to take her ass down before my other eye swelled shut. I released the protection wall around me with a flick of my fingers. I did an aerial cartwheel right into her and scissor-kicked her in the head, taking her down to the floor before she even knew I moved.

I pinned her face down on the mat. I held her arms twisted behind her back and I dug my knees viciously into her hamstrings. As she screamed in agony I leaned down and head-butted her. Shit, that hurt. Whatever. It made her shut up.

I leaned over and whispered to her, “I am not a whore. Maybe a bitch, but definitely not a whore. I would suggest you remember that in the future, Cathy.”

She tried to spit at me, but missed. “You’ll kill him.” She was crying.

“What are you talking about?” I hissed. She was starting to piss me off.

“If you mate with him, you’ll kill him.”

“Yeah, I heard that part,” I barked. “What in the hell are you talking about?”

“You’re the Chosen One,” she grunted. “Vampyres and Demons and God knows what else will try to kill you for the rest of eternity.”

“So what?” I yelled, twisting her arms tighter and pulling her shoulder out of the socket.

Whoops.

“If you mate with Ethan and you die, he does too, you stupid, selfish bitch,” she gasped in hellish pain.

That stopped me. I let go of her and kicked her torn and battered body away from me. Why hadn’t anybody told me that? That couldn’t be right.

I slowly turned to Heathcliff. “Is that true?” I asked so calmly that I scared the hell out of everyone. I couldn’t see him clearly through the swelling and the blood. I had split my scalp open when I head-butted Cathy and blood was running down my swollen face. This was definitely not my best look.

“Is it?” I yelled.

“Yes,” Heathcliff said, “it is.”

“Why in the hell do you people have so many goddamn stupid rules?”

Heathcliff looked down at the floor along with the rest of the Vamps in the room.

Well, my little Demons had been correct... this had turned out to be a clusterfuck of a day.

Chapter Twenty-Four

I vaguely recalled Heathcliff carrying me to Venus’ room. I knew I had collapsed, what with the blood loss and all my new stress. Venus helped me undress and bathed me. I was too tired and too weak, plus one of my eyes was still swollen shut.

Venus’ room was cozy and inviting. She favored shabby chic—big overstuffed furniture in soft cottons and fuzzy chenilles mixed with thick crushed velvets. The patterns were faded cabbage roses in peaches and pale pinks mixed up with equally faded tulips and daisies in lavenders and periwinkles. Her walls were a pale celery green covered in crazy cool folk art and Aboriginal Dream art. None of it went together individually, but together it was perfect. Just like Venus.

The gashes on my head and lip had closed and were healing, but I was covered in dried blood and bruises. Venus washed my hair in lemon-scented shampoo and filled the tub with hot water and bubbles. It smelled like heaven. She was so gentle. I felt like a baby, a very happy and well-loved baby.

“Astrid,” Venus asked, “do you want to stay in the tub?” She had drained out the dirty, bloody water and was refilling it with hot, lemony-smelling suds.

“I’ll stay in here forever,” I told her, sinking lower in the bubbles. She giggled and put an ice pack over my eyes. The swelling was going down. I could tell because I could see out of them now.

“Is Cathy okay?” I asked.

“Physically she’ll be fine. Mentally, it’s anybody’s guess,” Venus snorted in disgust.

“Is this all about Ethan?” I wondered aloud, taking the ice pack off and sinking even lower in the tub.

“It can’t be,” Venus shrugged and handed me a big bottle of blood. “Compliments of Gemma,” she smiled. “Chips and extra hot salsa!”

“Yesss.” I gulped it like a starving person, dribbling some down my chin in my haste. I loved my friends.

“Anyhoo, Miss Manners... ” Venus chided, wiping the blood from my face with a washcloth as I sighed happily. “From what I recently heard, Cathy and Ethan have not been... well, you know... intimate in about twenty years. Knowing they were not meant to be mates, he ended it and encouraged Cathy to look for her true mate.”

“And?” I asked.

“Clearly she hasn’t done that yet,” Venus laughed and ran a brush through my hair.

“Heathcliff thinks they still sleep together,” I told her.

“Heathcliff wants you, Astrid,” she shot back.

“Did,” I said firmly. “Not anymore.” Venus raised her eyebrows and finished cleaning my poor battered face. “So if it’s not about Ethan, why does Cathy hate me so much?”

“I’m not sure. Maybe she’s still hung up on him,” Venus offered. “Come on, let’s get you dressed.”

Wrapped in a fluffy towel, I followed her to her room and collapsed on her bed.

“Look, after what I found out today... ” I paused and carefully considered what I was about to say. “I don’t think I should mate with Ethan. Ever. I had no idea so much was at stake.”

“Don’t you think that’s something you should discuss with me, Angel?” Ethan asked, leaning against the doorframe of Venus’ bedroom.

“Holy hell,” I screamed. Curling into a tight ball on Venus’ bed I held my towel firmly in place. “Oh my God, do you ever knock?” I yelled at him.

Venus looked down and tried to hide her grin. She still couldn’t get over the way I spoke to her Prince.

Ethan smiled and tilted his head to one side, making me want to slap him... then screw him. “Door was open,” he grinned. “Venus, would you mind giving us a moment, please?”

“Not at all, my Liege.” Venus winked at me as she left.

“I’m naked,” I informed him.

“Interesting.”

“You have to leave so I can get dressed.”

“No.”

“No?” I repeated, narrowing my eyes at him.

“No.” His eyes changed to a beautiful emerald green and I could feel mine doing the same. “You are breathtaking,” he said.

“I’m a bloody bruised mess,” I retorted. God, he made me a nervous wreck.

“No,” he disagreed, “you are the most beautiful woman in the world.”

“Well, that’s lovely and all, but I’m still naked and you still have to leave,” I told him, reaching for the corner of Venus’ quilt to ensure more coverage.

“It seems we’re at an impasse.” He sat on the edge of the bed, making my quilt grab unsuccessful. “How about a compromise?” he suggested.

“Last time I agreed to some vague idea of yours I ended up halfway Vampyre-married to you,” I snapped and attempted to move away. Of course, the almost boob-reveal kept me anchored to my spot.

He threw back his head and laughed, and I swear to God I contemplated a strip tease and a lap dance. Damn it, he didn’t play fair. How in the hell was I going to get out of here without offering myself up on a platter to him?

“How about you let me dress you?”

I considered his suggestion. Could I make this work to my advantage? Probably not, but it did sound intriguing.

“Will you keep your clothes on?” I asked, kind of hoping he’d say no.

“Of course, and I won’t touch your skin at all... unless you ask me to,” he replied smoothly.

While the thought was appealing, the reality was alarming. The minute his hands came close to my girlie parts I knew I would beg. He was such an egotistical pig. I wanted to make him suffer.

“No,” I said. “That doesn’t work for me, but I suppose you could watch me dress. You can look, but you can’t touch.”

His smile was positively feral and I shivered. God, how stupid was I?

“That sounds delightful, Angel. Shall I pick out an outfit?” he asked

“Um... yes.” Clearly I was really, really stupid. “Wait, this is Venus’ room. I don’t have any clothes in here. Shit.”

“Oh, but you do,” he informed me, going through a pile of clothes on the chair.

“Where did those come from?” I asked, eyeing the pile suspiciously.

“My little Angel, you may not live here yet, but I am quite prepared for you when you do come to me.” He grinned and pulled out the sexiest and most obscene panties I’d ever seen. He coupled them with a drop dead Prada halter dress and thigh-high stockings.

“Fine,” I said, calling his bluff. “Leave them on the edge of the bed and go to the other side of the room.”

“As you wish.”

Damn it, I could do this. I would give him a case of blue balls that would make him double over in pain. I’d make him pay.

I got off the bed slowly and smiled, letting the towel fall to my feet. His sharp intake of breath made me giddy. I had never been so brazen in my life . . . or death, for that matter. Ethan shoved his hands into his pockets and I enjoyed watching him try to stay put. Locking my eyes with his, I ran my hands over my breasts and down to my hips. His eyes were blazing and his fangs descended, as did mine. I was enjoying torturing him. Unfortunately, I was also torturing myself. This was beginning to seem like a very bad idea.

I reached down and grabbed the scrap of silk he considered underwear. Moving in slow motion I bent over and stepped into them, making sure he had a very fine view of my entire backside. He groaned and dropped into a chair. He gripped the arms so tightly his knuckles were white. Damn, this was fun.

“You’re a tease,” he said, grinning from ear to ear.

“Honey, I’m just getting started,” I purred, sliding the panties up my legs.

“Call me that again,” he said gruffly, coming partly out of the chair. The tension in the room was thick and I was beginning to think I was in way over my head. I could feel the dampness between my legs and my breasts felt heavy and swollen under his gaze.

“Call you what?” I asked, settling the barely-there panties to their correct spot with shaking hands.

“Say ‘Honey’ again.”

“Really?”

“Really. You’ve never called me anything sweet before. I like it,” he replied and stood.

“Honey, sweetie, snookums, sex-pot, if you take a step closer, you’ll be breaking the rules,” I said, grabbing the halter dress and quickly stepping into it.

“What’s the punishment if I lose?” he asked, advancing on me.

“Um... well shit,” I screeched as I got my foot caught in the hem of my dress and I tripped forward into a set of very strong arms. “This wasn’t part of the plan,” I muttered and tried to twist away.

His hands on my bare skin ignited a fire down below. My naked breasts were pressed against his chest and my head was spinning. One hand slid down to my ass and neatly ripped away the sorry excuse for underwear he had chosen. If I could have found my voice, I would have yelled Fuck me... thank God my ability to speak had taken a vacation. His fingers continued their exploration to the area between my legs that made my knees buckle. He hissed as he felt how wet I was and reached further, immediately finding the spot that made me go partially blind. His long fingers expertly massaged me in circular motions. I cried out and writhed against him.

“Ethan,” I gasped.

“Yes, Angel?”

“You’re supposed to be on the other side of the room.” I grabbed his shoulders so I didn’t drop to the floor like a sack of potatoes.

“I was being a gentleman,” he whispered into my ear as two fingers slipped inside me.

“Oh God,” I moaned, pushing my body further down on his hand. “How is this being a gentleman?”

“You tripped and I caught you,” he said. He lifted me up with his unencumbered hand and took me to the bed.

“You’re not playing fair,” I cried, trying unsuccessfully to calm my writhing hips.

“All’s fair in love and war,” he ground out as he captured my mouth with his, making any further protest impossible. His lips and fangs moved to my neck. His tongue played with my veins and I shuddered. His hand was moving like a high-speed vibrator and I shrieked. I was spiraling out of control, and I loved every second. I bucked on his hand like a champion bull rider and I had absolutely no control of the screams leaving my body.

“Oh my God, Angel,” he whispered against my ear, “I have never wanted something so badly in my life. You belong to me, to no one else. Mine.”

How in the hell did it feel like he had ten hands? Every inch of my body was a live wire ready to explode. My core was literally throbbing and words were replaced by screams and moans. He buried his fangs in my neck at the same time that he pressed down on my clit with the heel of his hand.

I detonated.

I vaguely heard him chuckle right before he sank his fangs into my nipple.

I cried out from the burning pain of his bite and tried to jerk away, but he held me fast. He drank from me while he plunged his fingers in and out of me. I thought I was done, but he had other plans. My body tightened to the point of pain and gripped his fingers like a vise. The rhythm of my hips increased to a frantic pace and I screamed over and over again as my world exploded into the loudest, most earth-shattering orgasm I’d ever had. My voice was raw and hoarse. I was sure speaking would be gone from my skill set permanently. Ethan held me and kissed me all over as I came down from my second orgasm in less than ten minutes.

“Oh my God,” I whispered with what voice I had left, “that was... ”

“Amazing.”

“Um, yeah,” I giggled.

“My Angel,” he smiled, brushing my wild hair out of my face, “I am amazed by you. You are everything I want and more. I have waited so long for you.”

“Ethan... ” I looked down. I knew if I looked into his eyes he would know I was lying. “I don’t want to mate with you.”

He went as still as a statue. “Look at me.”

I refused.

“Look at me,” he repeated harshly.

“I can’t,” I said, trying to get off the bed but he pulled me close and held me still. Where in the hell did all my super Vampyre strength go? I supposed I would have to admit he was stronger than me.

“Angel, I know what happened during training today,” he said quietly.

“Then you know why I can’t mate with you.”

“When I first drank from you, I knew who you were and what you were and what the risks were. I have no regrets, nor will I. Ever. You belong to me. You are mine and I will be yours.” His golden eyes searched my face and his thumb gently traced my cheekbone.

“Ethan... I... ”

“Stop,” he commanded. “If you can tell me you don’t want me and have no desire to become part of me, then I will leave you alone. Forever. Can you tell me you don’t want me?”

He waited.

“No,” I whispered, “I can’t tell you that.”

“I thought not,” he said smugly. “So I will wait for you. You’ll come to me when you are ready. But make no mistake, Astrid, you will come.”

“I kind of already did,” I muttered, looking away. “Ethan, it seems like you got the raw end of the deal.” I’d just had several massive orgasms and he’d had... um, none.

“I wouldn’t say that,” he laughed. His eyes flashed and turned back to a brilliant emerald green. “But we’ll take care of my end of the deal when you come to me willingly, with no reservations about how you feel about me. When you agree to be my mate.”

“Are you sure?” I asked as I ran my hand over some very hard evidence. “I am quite willing.”

He removed my hand and rolled off the bed. “I will have you,” he said, “and when I do, it will be because you are mine. Forever.”

With that remark he left the room, shutting the door behind him. I heard him laughing joyfully as he went down the hall. I was grinning from ear to ear. God, I adored that beautiful, conceited asshole. I might even love...

Stop. Don’t go there. Do not fall in love with him. He didn’t love me, he just wanted me. I quickly yanked on my dress and decided to go commando because the panties were toast.

“How ya doin’?” Venus grinned as she came back into her room. “I certainly hope you changed my sheets.”

“Oh my God, Venus,” I burst out, “we did not do that.”

“Uh huh,” she smirked.

“We. Did. Not. Do. It.” I insisted and she snickered. “Why don’t you believe me?”

“Well,” she began, enjoying herself immensely, “your dress is on backwards, everyone in the entire mansion heard you screaming, and I just passed the Prince in the hall looking like the cat that ate the canary.”

“Oh shit.” I ungracefully righted my dress and slipped my feet into my sparkly beaded silver flip flops that thankfully weren’t destroyed during my training ordeal. How was I going to face anybody here ever again?

“It gets worse,” Venus said, trying not to laugh.

“How in the hell can it get any worse?” I hissed. All I seemed to do in front of my Cressida brothers and sisters was have really loud screaming orgasms with their Prince. First my initiation—now this.

“The King and his entourage arrived about a half hour ago,” she said. I was speechless. This was a bad, bad, bad day. My potential father-in-law heard me screaming like a porn star angling for an award. “Ethan is with his father now,” Venus said.

“You’re joking.” I felt sick.

“Astrid,” Venus said, recognizing the symptoms of my impending panic attack. “Vampyres aren’t uptight about sex like mortals. It’s very natural for us. We’re very sexual beings.”

“I didn’t have sex with him,” I yelled.

“Then I’d hate to be within earshot when you finally do have sex,” she laughed.

“He won’t have sex with me until I mate with him,” I said, peeking into my dress at my breast to see if he’d left puncture marks. Nope, all clear.

“Are you serious?” Venus was shocked.

“Yep... as a heart attack.”

“What will you do?”

“I have no idea. I do know that I’m not walking out of this room and risking a meeting with the King,” I said. “I’d rather go to a tanning bed.”

Venus laughed, zipped up my dress and smacked me on the butt. “I would suggest you get moving then, because I can hear some Vamps headed this way to retrieve your sorry, screaming ass to present you to the King.”

“See ya,” I said, flinging my arms out and creating a glistening wall of glitter dust around me. I felt the Magic envelop me... and I disappeared.

Chapter Twenty-Five

“Brad Pitt called,” Gemma said, channel surfing.

I grabbed the mail and flipped through it. Nothing but bills and junk mail

“Again?” I was disgusted. This was the fifth time Brad called today.

“He’s not going to stop until you call him back,” she laughed.

“Oh. My. God.” I yelled, “I’m so not in the mood to deal with Brad Pitt today.”

I was still trying, without much success, to block out my scream-a-thon at the Cressida House. I hadn’t even told Gemma about it. Speaking of it aloud would somehow make it more real.

“How about Angelina?” she asked, ducking to avoid the pillow I threw at her.

“She called too?” I couldn’t believe this. What kind of evil had I done in my past to deserve this?

“Three times.” Gemma bit her lip to stifle her laughter. Why she derived such pleasure from my pain was beyond me.

“Fine.” I stomped my foot like a preschooler. “I’ll just go down there and put a stop to all this bullshit.”

“Go get ‘em, killer,” Gemma laughed, and ran from the room before I could find something else to throw at her.

* * *

Why in the hell was Brad Pitt so insistent on seeing me, and why was Angelina involved? Something didn’t add up here.

He’d already informed me of my mother’s unfortunate demise in an explosive private plane crash. No survivors. No remains. Huh... that was convenient. For the life or death of me, I would always wonder how she made that work out. I suppose if you’re married to or screwing a Demon, you can make almost anything happen and make anyone believe it.

I had a whopper of a headache. I thought Vampyres were immune to human ailments like headaches. Some were. Obviously, I wasn’t. My headache was named Brad Pitt and it was hitting me right between the eyeballs. Why, you may ask, would anyone in their right mind be angry that Brad Pitt was calling? I mean, come on, everybody wants them a little Brad Pitt... right?

Wrong! He wasn’t the Brad Pitt, just a Brad Pitt. That’s right, Brad Pitt from Bowling Green, Kentucky. He was a good ol’ boy, ambulance-chasing lawyer with a severely receding hairline, greasy comb-over, beer gut, and bifocals, who happened to share a name with a really good-looking movie star.

He believed the similarities went beyond the name. Clearly he drank. Staggering as it may be, he thought he was sexy and interesting and that every woman in town secretly wanted him. He was wrong. Nobody in town wanted him, including his wife, Angelina.

That right there was one of the most alarming parts of the story. He had married a rather large balding gal named Tammy Sue Jinkers, but had made her legally change her name to Angelina Jinkers. Her entire family balked when Brad tried to persuade all of them to switch their surname to Jolie.

She was a hoot, and if you listened to gossip, pretty loosey-goosey. Legend had it, with a few drinks in her, she’d go home with anything that could walk and had dangly parts. Six months ago at the Bingo Marathon, she had a few too many and informed all within earshot that Brad wore her panties and liked to be spanked. There was so much wrong with that I couldn’t even begin to dissect it.

When they had first moved to town four years ago there was mass hysteria. All the townsfolk showed up bearing gifts and casseroles for Brad and Angie and their brood of children. All the local news stations came down, and by God our little local paper was there to cover the happening. Lexington and Louisville even sent crews down to our little podunk municipality. Then Brad and Angelina arrived, and boy, were people pissed.

I didn’t see it, but legend had it that Martha and Jane threw casseroles at them, they were so furious. Knowing the old biddies, I was apt to believe that story was true. I felt sorry for our new neighbors until I found out the fake Brad Pitt planted all the stories that led us stupidly to believe the real Brad Pitt was moving here. Gemma read that the real Brad Pitt had finally had to take out a restraining order on our big, fat, greasy Brad Pitt. She also said that our local Brad Pitt’s aura labeled him as very untrustworthy and downright skeevey.

His ego was as big as his gut, and his gut was big. He was a lardass lawyer, and of course Petra had retained his services. I was sure she got a good laugh knowing I’d have to deal with him, his bad breath and his wandering hands after her death.

Brad Pitt’s office space hadn’t been updated since the 1980s. Due to my super keen sense of smell I detected Taco Bell, B.O., Old Spice aftershave and bad breath.

To my great surprise and horror, Martha and Jane were Brad Pitt’s new receptionists.

“If you don’t have an appointment, Astrid,” Martha snapped, “Mr. Pitt won’t be able to see you.”

“Free health care for everyone,” Jane grunted and then slammed her own head down on the reception desk.

“I’m sorry, what?” I grinned, sure that I had misheard.

“Jesus wears a thong,” Martha hissed and turned a shade of red I’d never seen.

Holy shit, had Paris Hilton already gotten to them? This was awesome.

“Moses liked sheep,” Jane screeched. Martha slapped her and stuffed a wad of paper in her mouth.

“Equal rights for gays,” Martha moaned. “All the rich people should give all their money to the poor, and Jesus ate pork in a tube top.” She threw herself to the floor and yanked on her own hair.

Jane fell on top of Martha and proceeded to spew liberal and sacrilegious nuggets of wisdom.

“Well, hidey hodey ho, Astrid,” Brad Pitt yelled from his office doorway. “You are lookin’ miiiiighty fiiiine today, girly girl.”

“Thank you, Brad,” I said with disgust. “Why in the hell do you keep calling my house?”

“Well, little darlin’, why dontcha come on into mah office and we can have a little chitty-chat,” he leered.

God, he was foul... so foul that he actually gave me a tremendous idea. I should use some of my powers for the good of mankind. Shouldn’t I? Yes... yes, I should.

“I’d love to rendezvous in your office with you, Brad,” I purred.

He looked so confused that it was difficult not to laugh. Clearly no one had ever responded positively to his disgusting come-ons. After today no one would have to ever hear one again.

I sauntered past as he watched my butt with great appreciation.

“Martha and Jane, hold all my... what in the fuck is wrong with you two?” Brad bellowed as they wrestled all over the floor.

I glanced over my shoulder. “They’re dating.”

“Well, if that’s not the goddamned grossest shit I’ve ever heard,” he muttered. “Just hold my calls and don’t you dare teach none of that lesbo shit to Angelina. She’s already loose enough.” He shut his office door behind him, licked his lips and gave me a big, skanky, good ol’ boy grin. Brad Pitt of Bowling Green, Kentucky defined the word asshat more than anyone I’d ever met. He was vain, disgusting, and sexist.

“So, girly girl,” he said, flexing his muscles, “why dontcha sit your pretty little hiney down. We done set up that memorial for next Saturday just like you requested.”

“I didn’t... ” I started.

“I know you didn’t think we could do it, but we did, sweet cheeks! And boy, are them some sweet cheeks,” he guffawed and pointed to my ass so I wouldn’t mistake his compliment. My stomach roiled. “We got that there message from ‘Petra’s daughter’. Like we didn’t know who you was.” He laughed and sucked in his gut, which if I’m not mistaken—and I’m not—made him pass gas.

“What are you talking about?” I was confused and asphyxiated at the same time. Bad combo.

“Don’t you play coy with me, you little sweet potato.” He had spittle in both corners of his mouth. “We got that big ol’ six foot by eight foot poster of your momma that you sent over and Angelina had it mounted just like you wanted.”

“Uh huh,” I mumbled. Who in the hell was pretending to be me? Was Petra alive and screwing with everybody?

“I took one good look at that poster of your momma and... God rest her soul... I would have really liked to have mounted her! No offense,” he said.

“None taken,” I replied. “Tell me again when I called to request this.”

“Well, lemme think.” This could take a while. “I’m a guessin’ it was about two... or four or maybe it was three days ago. We got a real kick out of that fake accent you used on that there message you left.”

“Do you still have that message?” I smiled at him and ran my tongue slowly over my lips.

He about choked on his own saliva he got so excited. “Naw, once we listen to something the machine eats it. Besides... ” He made sure his comb-over was still in place. “You told us to erase it after we wrote down all your orders.”

He slithered his big ol’ butt closer to me on the couch. “But here’s the big news, little dumplin’.” He moved closer. “Your momma left you forty million fuckin’ dollars!” he shrieked like a game show contestant on The Price is Right.

What the fu... ? “What?” I was in such a state of shock I didn’t realize Brad Pitt was fondling my right boob. As soon as I did, I punched him in the head and he went flying across the room. It was a good thing Ethan wasn’t here. Brad Pitt would be dead.

Forty million dollars. Where did she get forty million dollars? That couldn’t be right. Could it?

“Are you sure about that amount?” I demanded.

“Yep,” he whimpered from the floor. “You have one hell of a left hook.”

“Thank you.”

“Yer welcome.” He got up and sat in the chair across the room from me. I guess you could teach an old dog new tricks. “The check will be ready next week, and right over there on my desk... ” he pointed tentatively “... are all the details for your momma’s memorial next Saturday.”

I grabbed the folder and slowly approached him. He got lower and lower in his chair. Time to do some good for mankind.

“Sit up,” I barked. He did.

I didn’t know if this would be hard or easy. I was a little nervous, but he deserved it. He was a boil on the butt of the universe, and it was high time he was lanced. I let my eyes go green and I stared deeply into his little beady ones. He went slack-jawed and was more unattractive than usual. How was that possible?

“You will never come on to any woman other than your wife ever again. You will treat your wife like a goddess, and you will be at her disposal twenty-four seven. You will get rid of that skanky comb-over and you will brush your teeth more often.”

This was fun!

“If you ever say anything inappropriate to a woman in this lifetime, your testicles will itch horrifically for a week. If you persist, your balls will fall off, followed by your dick. You will donate a third of your income to local charities.”

I thought for a moment. Was there anything else? Nope, that pretty much covered it.

“Yes,” he said, still tranced.

“Good.” I let my eyes go back to amber gold and I waited. If this was successful, I might have a new calling in life. As he came out of his stupor, he looked confused, but quickly refocused.

“Well, Miss Porter, again please accept my condolences on your mother’s untimely and tragic death.” He gave me a fatherly smile. “The check should be here next week, and the memorial should run smoothly. I will review the details again myself. I must say it’s quite a beautiful sendoff you have planned for your mother. Please let me or my lovely wife, Angelina, know if we can assist you further.”

“Thank you Mr. Pitt,” I smiled, satisfied with my work but still confused about who arranged all this. “Please give my best to Angelina.”

I left his office and approached a grunting Martha and Jane.

“Teachers should get paid more and gay marriage is the answer to my prayers,” Jane shouted and then punched herself in the head.

“The Pope wears a miniskirt and I worship dogwood trees!” Martha choked out, turning a mottled purple.

I smiled. Being a Vampyre so did not suck.

Chapter Twenty-Six

I walked out of Brad Pitt’s office feeling good, and saw something that made me feel even better. He sat across the street on the steps of the only bank in town. His chin rested in his hands and he had that sexy half-smirk thing going on. I think I’m in lov... What in the hell am I thinking? Close the brain door, close the brain door... he can hear me. Shut it!

I looked around and wondered where all of his guards were. He was too important to be traveling without protection, although from what I had seen he was stronger and more deadly than any Vampyre in our compound, and the Vamps in our compound were the best of the best. I didn’t spot anyone, and my eyes were good. Good enough to clearly notice he was the hottest thing I’d ever seen in my life.

He grinned and my knees almost buckled. Damn him. I stopped about thirty feet away. I gave him the eyeball and put my hands on my hips. He just kept grinning as he stood and waited.

I shouldn’t go. I should stand my ground. I absolutely should not go. If I go, I might have to jump him in public... I should not jump him in public. I should do it in private. Wait. I shouldn’t jump him ever. Anyway, he should come to me... but I wanted to go to him. Nope, I’m not going.

While I argued with my inner slut he made up my mind for me. He picked me up and carried me to the most expensive-looking car I’d ever seen. I wrapped my arms around his neck and my legs around his waist and laid a big wet one on his beautiful lips. He tasted so good.

“Did you have fun in there?” Ethan inquired as he carried me across the street to his car.

“I did,” I said, ducking to avoid knocking my head on the door as he dumped me into the passenger seat while copping a major feel of my butt.

He got in the driver’s side. “You know, you were right. I almost did come in there and kill him when he touched you.” He was very serious.

“Oh my God,” I yelled, hitting him. “You cannot go around killing people for me. I am perfectly capable of doing that myself.”

He laughed. “But you wouldn’t have killed him, would you?”

“No, I wouldn’t have. He’s an idiot, not a danger. Big difference,” I told him, putting on my seat belt.

He watched me and smiled.

“Oh,” I giggled. “Habit... guess I don’t really need this anymore.”

“You are still so beautifully human.” He touched my face, drawing me to him.

Every touch, every look, everything about him sent electricity and need coursing through my veins. His lips were so close to mine. I wanted him to kiss me.

“How’s the ‘dating other people thing’ going for you?” he asked with what I would have to label as mock sincerity.

“It sucks,” I told him, running my tongue along his lower lip. “No Vampyre will come near me because of you.” I saw no need to say anything about Heathcliff. We did not go on a date and although it turned out to be very special, it was not romantic.

He made a sad face. “I’m sorry to hear that.” He was gloating.

“How’s it going for you?” I realized in that moment I really wanted to know. Holy shit, was I jealous? I never got jealous. Ever. I wanted to rip her eyes out. Whose eyes? I had no idea, but if he told me he was seeing someone else I’d kill her.

“It’s going fine,” he said, revealing nothing.

I narrowed my eyes. “What exactly does that mean?”

“Well... ” He took the longest pause in the whole wide world, loving my jealousy. I was going to cry. “I don’t need to date anyone else. I already know who I want and I have every intention of getting her.” He kissed my eyes. “And making her mine,” he said as he kissed my nose, “for eternity.” He kissed my lips, then pulled back and looked right into my soul. “Soon.”

“Well... okay then,” I said, mollified.

“Okay then,” he said, starting the car.

“Where are we going?” I asked, kind of hoping he’d say a hotel.

“On a date,” he grinned, “but we could go to a hotel after if you’d like.”

“Get out of my head,” I snapped.

“Can you not read my thoughts?” he asked, enjoying himself way too much.

“No, I can’t. That one time in the graveyard I could. You must remember that,” I snarked, “the time you tried to kill me?”

“I had no intention of killing you, Angel. I had every intention of doing something else with you, but you disappeared. We never have discussed how you were able to do that.” He arched an eyebrow at me and waited. That look brought other Vampyres to their knees. He could be very scary. If I were easily intimidated that eyebrow thing would have scared me to death, but as it was it just made me want to make out with him really bad.

I wondered how much to reveal. He already knew quite a bit. “Angel blood,” I said slowly. “My first feeding was from my Angel, Pam. The Magic comes from my Fairy, The Kev.”

“The Kevin is your Fairy?” Ethan was shocked.

“Yes, is something wrong with that?” He had better not trash The Kev. I’d kick his ass. How did he even know about The Kev? He pulled the car over and stared at me. “What?” I said, getting uncomfortable.

“He lets you drink from him?” He was awed.

“All the time,” I replied. Where was this going?

“You drink from him, but not from me?” Jealous Vampyre Boy practically shouted.

“I’m not in danger of being mated to him for eternity, Little Mister,” I shot back.

“Did you just call me Little Mister?” The shock on his face was priceless.

“You betcha I did, Little Mister.” I was positively gleeful.

“Do you have any respect for me at all?” he demanded.

“Tons,” I smiled.

“All right. I was just clarifying.” He rolled his eyes at my total lack of respect for his authority. I knew that he loved that I treated him like a regular Joe, but it frustrated him at the same time. He was used to getting his ass kissed.

“I guess that it would be so awful,” he said, pouting, “to be mated to me. To be mine.”

I could not believe one of the strongest and most respected Vampyres in the world, the Prince of the North American Dominion, was jealous and pouting. Over me. This was the best day ever.

“I’m not saying it would be awful,” I told him. “Quite the opposite, I’m sure.” He started to perk up. “But I need to know you better and you need to know me better.”

“Will you show me your cheerleading jumps?” he asked, biting his lip to keep from laughing.

Venus and Gemma were so going to die.

“Only if you run buckass naked through the Cressida House professing your undying love for me,” I snapped.

“Fine, I’ll do it,” he said, calling my bluff.

“You so will not,” I laughed.

“I so will too.” He grabbed me and brought his lips to mine.

“Screw you.” I tried to push him away.

“Love to,” he said.

“Wait,” I said, torn between satisfying my curiosity or my libido. “Why is it such a big deal that The Kev is my Fairy?”

He shook his head and smiled, refusing to untangle himself from me. “The Kevin is the most beloved and feared Fairy in history. He is the finest warrior to come along in the last two thousand years. People faint in his mere presence. My guess is you’re not even remotely scared of him.” I nodded my head in agreement. “He doesn’t give his protection or his tutelage to Vampyres. I can only recall one other Vampyre that he has taken under his wing, so to speak,” he grinned.

“Who?” I asked.

“Me,” he replied. “Has his fashion sense improved?”

“Get. Out. Of. Town. You trained with The Kev?”

“Yes.”

“He punches like a freight train and no, he dresses like a blind man. If he ever left the house I’d be embarrassed.”

“Oh, he leaves the house,” Ethan assured me. “I wouldn’t be surprised if he were quite nearby.”

“Hello, my little Krumecaca,” The Kev bellowed from the back seat on cue.

“Shit.” I jumped and slammed my head into the passenger side window. Ethan winced in sympathy. The Kev just laughed and threw a little Glitter Magic to heal the bruise that was fast forming along my cheekbone.

“My Prince.” He joyously slapped Ethan on the back. “How in the hecks are you doing?”

I turned back to look at The Kev. He was clad in tight salmon-hued flannel PJ bottoms and a cherry red wife beater with pink sponge rollers in his hair. Before I could ask, he explained.

“Gemma likes my hair wavy,” The Kev said, pointing to the rollers.

“Why don’t you use Magic?” I asked.

A wicked grin spread across his beautiful Fairy face. “Because it’s way too much fun to give to you the embarrassment.” He winked at me. “Also it distracts you when we fight.”

“You cheater!” I smacked The Kev and two of his pink rollers flew out. “Oops, let me fix that.” I climbed over my seat into the back and I heard Ethan moan. I took my time and I made sure he got a really good look at my ass.

“You’re killing me, Angel.” His eyes were bright green.

“I’m trying to, Your Highness,” I laughed and rerolled The Kev’s hair. “Why are you here, The Kev?” I fixed several rollers that were about to fall out.

“I have come to you because I had the thoughts that you would be hungry,” The Kev said mischievously. “I also think I would enjoy to watch my other favorite beautiful Vampyre get jealous,” he laughed. Ethan did not.

“I am hungry.” I was being careful. “Um, is that... ?”

“No,” Ethan snapped. “I will not allow you to crawl into some Fairy’s lap and suck on his neck, no matter who he is.” God, Vamps were territorial.

“Oh, my dear Ethan... ” The Kev leaned forward and took Ethan’s face into his hands. “She is the little sister of my heart. I love her like a child, the same way I love you. Astrid’s path will be very difficult. She needs what I can offer her and I am here to prepare her.” He paused. Sometimes his English was so good, I wondered if he was screwing with us the rest of the time. “She is the Chosen One, and it will not be easy.”

“Absolutely not. She is mine and I will give her what she needs,” Ethan said, defying The Kev, which was either really brave or really suicidal. The Kev grinned from ear to ear as if he expected Ethan’s reaction and quite enjoyed it. “Very well,” The Kev bellowed joyfully. “I am sure she is in the hands that are good.”

“She is,” Ethan replied in a clipped tone. I could feel him watching me. Ethan confused me. My love for The Kev was simple... a no-brainer. He was kind and gentle and there was nothing sexual to muck it up. Ethan was another story. There was so much sexual to muck it up it was hard to see clearly, but I was beginning to. I was falling... No. I wasn’t falling. I was already in love with him. I was fairly certain part of me knew it from the first moment I saw him. Being in love with him scared me to pieces. I had ruined every relationship I’d ever been in. Partially thanks to my mother, but mostly thanks to myself.

My God, everything was getting too complicated, and I had a feeling that I was in the lull before the storm. It was going to get a lot uglier. How had I not gone insane? A month ago I didn’t know Vampyres existed and now I was their Chosen One. I should be a blubbering idiot. I was sitting in a car with a Vampyre and a Fairy, and not just any Vampyre or any Fairy... the head honcho Vampyre and Fairy. My daddy was a Demon. I still had a hard time wrapping my mind around that one. Thankfully, I had my own personal Angel and Fairy or I might have taken after Daddy and started eating all the townsfolk. Who in their right mind would believe that a whole bunch of paranormal beings would choose the backwoods of Kentucky as their home and like it?

Checking myself into a facility was an option, but for some reason I was calm. Totally calm. I suppose tomorrow someone could let me know that werewolves and leprechauns exist and I could self-combust... or how about trolls and mermaids?

My life was careening out of control, but the only thing that unsettled me was Ethan. You’d think being spawned by a flesh-eating Demon or the fact that I was supposed to save the world would freak me out. Nope. The thing that scared me most was that I was in love with the Prince of the North American Dominion and I had no idea if he loved me back. I knew he wanted me, but lust and love were two different animals altogether. I wanted both.

The Kev took my hands in his and began speaking to me telepathically. Ethan was not included.

“Your heart may not beat, but you still have one, my liebchen. If you are not true to it, you will die a death more permanent than the one you live in now.” I started to cry. He sweetly pushed my hair back from my face and continued. “It’s okay to be scared, strudel princess, but not okay to run away from what will make you happy and complete.” He took my face in his hands. “Don’t you find it unusual that the two Vampyres in this car are the only two I have ever molded and made strong? Personally, I would wonder if there’s a reason for that.”

He winked at me before disappearing in a cloud of Fairy Glitter.

“What did he say to you?” Ethan asked.

“How do you know he was talking to me?”

“I could feel it,” he said, watching me from the front seat. Even the small amount of distance between us made me feel lonely for him. What in the hell was wrong with me?

“Did you hear him?” I was alarmed.

“No, he blocked me,” he said with disgust. “Far better than you do, I might add.”

I sat still and stared at him. He was so beautiful and so strong... and so mine, if I let myself go. If I followed my instincts, I’d crawl back to the front seat, bite him, drink from him and love him until the end of time.

“I wish you weren’t the Chosen One,” he said quietly.

“Why?” I was shocked. “Don’t you think I’m capable of doing whatever the hell needs to be done?” Damn it, every time I was close to committing to him, he did or said something stupid.

“It has nothing to do with that.” He angrily dismissed that notion. “Of course I believe you will succeed.” He closed his eyes and ran his hand through his hair. “I wish you were not the Chosen One because I don’t want anything to happen to you. I would not want to go on anymore without you. I have never been so happy in my life. You couldn’t care less that I’m the Prince of the North American Dominion. You were attracted to me when you thought I was a Rogue Vampyre.” That clearly delighted him. He reached back and put his hand under my chin, forcing me to look at him. “I wake up every day thinking about you, go to sleep thinking about you, and you are on my mind every minute in between. I can’t wait to be insulted, teased and kissed by you. I cannot wait until we make love for the first time, and the second, and the third. You make me feel alive. Mostly I wish you were not the Chosen One so you would believe that I want you for you... that I have fallen head-over-heels, no turning back, in love with you.”

I was speechless. My body felt light and airy and I was shaking. And then I did it. I followed my instincts.

I crawled over that seat, threw myself into Ethan’s arms, and sank my fangs into his neck as I made him mine.

Forever.

Chapter Twenty-Seven

“Oh my God, Ethan,” I gasped as I withdrew my fangs from his neck. “Something is happening to me.” I was having a beyond overwhelming need to get naked, followed by getting him naked and violently making love to him.

“It’s okay, Angel.” He white-knuckled the steering wheel. “When Vampyres mate, they have to consummate the bonding. Their bodies demand it.”

He put the car into drive and floored it.

This was news to me. I was dizzy and horny. I leaned over and put my head between my knees, hoping to eliminate some of the pressure building up inside of me. Bad idea. Leaning over made the crotch of my pants hike up and press against part of me that did not need to be touched if I was going to be able to hold it together.

“Ethan,” I moaned, “I don’t think I can... ”

“You can.” He touched my back and a bolt of electricity shot through me, causing me to orgasm. I screamed. The orgasm should have given me relief, but it didn’t. It made it worse.

“Don’t touch me,” I ground out through clenched teeth, “unless you plan to follow through.”

“Trust me,” he said, his voice thick with lust, “I plan to follow through. Over and over and over. Just hold on—we’re almost there.”

“Where is there?” I asked, gripping the dashboard as if my life depended on it.

“Cressida House.” He glanced over. His eyes were greener than I’d ever seen them and he was more beautiful than he’d ever been.

“No, not there! They all heard me yesterday. The only thing I ever do is have screaming orgasms with you at that House,” I yelled at him.

He laughed. “God, I love you. My suite is soundproofed, Angel. Besides, sex in the Vampyre world is very different.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah... heard it before,” I snapped. “I love you too, you jerk, but I’m sick and tired of not being able to make eye contact with anyone.”

“You love me?” he asked, slowing the car to a stop.

“Yes, I love you,” I shouted. “Do you really think I’d become your mate if I didn’t love you?”

“I didn’t know.”

“Well, I find that incredibly insulting,” I told him. “If I wasn’t so goddamned horny, I wouldn’t let you have any tonight. Clearly that’s not gonna happen.” I was shaking all over now. “Can’t you drive any faster?”

He laughed his insanely sexy laugh and put the car in drive. And what do you know? I orgasmed. Again. This was getting ridiculous and I was getting teary. The pressure just kept building. “Ethan, please.”

“We’re almost there, baby,” he said, his voice unsteady. “I had no idea it would be like this.”

“This has never happened to you?” I asked, turning away from him. Looking at him was dangerous. If I had another big O, I was sure I would die.

“Never.” He swerved into the Cressida House drive at eighty-five miles per hour and screeched to a halt on the lawn, tearing out seventy-five to one hundred feet of manicured grass and bushes.

“Oh my God,” I cried out, “your dad is here.”

“Don’t worry about him. He’s going to be thrilled.” He had me out of the car faster than a human could blink, whipped me up into his arms and headed for his suite. Of course, every Vampyre I’d ever met was hanging out in the foyer.

“Get out of my way,” Ethan bellowed. “Astrid and I have mated.”

Holy shit, he may as well have just yelled, “Watch out, Astrid and I have to go screw so we don’t explode and die.” I was never setting foot in this House again. What in the hell was the muscular, bald beefy security guy from Jerry Springer doing here? Was he a Vampyre? Wait, that wasn’t the same guy... but he looked a lot like him. No, this guy was way better looking. Pam would luuuuurve him. We paused briefly in front of him. God, he was magnificent looking. He had eyes looked just like... oh shit.

Ethan bowed to him. “Father, this is Astrid. We’ve just mated. I’ll see you in five or six hours.”

Kill me now.

“That’s wonderful, son,” the King laughed joyously. “Astrid, I look forward to meeting with you... later.”

The entire foyer of, oh... I don’t know... about forty or fifty Vampyres burst into laughter and applause. Was this really happening? Were they truly celebrating the fact that I—or rather their Prince—was about to get laid?

Yes... yes, they were. Vampyres were so damn weird.

I wasn’t positive, but I think Ethan flew up the stairs. Thank God for that because I wasn’t going to last much longer. A door slammed shut. I couldn’t have told you where we were because I didn’t care. The only thing I knew for sure was that I was alone with Ethan and he was mine.

“I can’t wait,” I gasped, clawing at his clothes.

“Neither can I.” He literally ripped my clothing from my body. “You went to see Brad Pitt without a bra on?” He was incredulous.

“I never wear a bra.” I pulled his jeans and boxer briefs down and came face to face with the largest penis I’d ever seen in my life. My insides clenched and I thought I might faint. I wasn’t sure I could handle him. Good God, had I come this far only to realize sex with Ethan would tear me in two? The sane part of me wanted to run and the horny side of me wanted to try him on for size. I didn’t realize I was frozen and staring until I heard him clear his throat.

“Problem?” he asked suggestively.

“Um... no,” I whispered. “It’s just that... oh, what the hell... ” I trailed off and grabbed the oversized monster.

“Oh my God,” he gasped, pulling me to my feet and pressing his naked body against mine. “Angel, I need you,” he moaned.

“Yes,” I readily agreed, feeling light-headed and out of control. He pulled me to his bed and threw me on my back. He stood there naked, looking beautiful and deadly and mine. He was the most exquisite man I’d ever seen, just looking at him made my body sing. I was about to orgasm again without him even laying a hand on me.

He slowly, with carnal intent, kissed and nipped his way down my body. He paused at my breasts and marked me with his fangs ‘til I screamed and begged him to fuck me.

“Spread your legs,” he demanded. No more nice. No more gentle. No more soft. “Open for me, baby,” he said as he parted my legs with his hands and blew on my most intimate places. “You are perfect.” He lowered his head and made me see Jesus with his tongue.

“Oh Ethan... I don’t think... ” I cried out and clamped my legs around his head trying to make him stop.

Startled, he looked up at me from between my legs. “What’s wrong?”

“Um... .well, I’m not very experienced with this kind of, um... ”

“But I am,” he grinned. His eyes sparkled and his lips glistened with my moisture.

“Well, that’s certainly a big turn on,” I huffed and tried to escape, picturing him with hundreds of hot sexy Vampyre sluts.

“Trust me, I’ll turn you on,” he whispered so sexily I lost brain cells, erasing the images of other women.

His hands were like manacles around my thighs and any thoughts of anything else were obliterated. This was not nice or romantic or simple. It was violent, sexy, and hard. It was changing me at some fundamental level. As I screamed and moaned, and fought to gain dominance over the beautiful inhuman man possessing me, a trigger flipped. Suddenly, I was just like him, violent and sexual and no longer human. I wanted him more than I wanted to live. I would die for him and destroy anything that would threaten him in the slightest. He was mine. Period.

His fangs pierced me in places I had no idea were proper to bite and I returned the favor, making him shout in pain and pleasure. The line was so fine, I couldn’t discern it anymore. And I didn’t want to.

In a flash, his fangs were in my neck and his body was on top of mine. My body convulsed and he wasn’t even inside me yet. I lost count on the mini and major orgasms wracking my body and started to beg.

“You’re mine. Your body. Your mind. And your soul,” he moaned into my ear and I shuddered.

“Please, Ethan,” I gasped, writhing under him in wanton invitation. “Please.”

“Please what?” he ground out, grabbing my hair and making me stare into his blazing green eyes. “Tell me what you want.”

“You. I want you,” I cried.

“More specific,” he demanded, grinding his body against mine.

“Fuck me. Oh God, please fuck me.”

“As you wish.” His smile was pure sex and frightening, but it was everything I never knew I wanted or needed. “Open for me.”

I spread my legs for him. He took my hand and placed it on his engorged cock. “Put me where you want me,” he said gruffly.

He was like thick steel covered in silk, hard and smooth at the same time. I was so in love with him, and as unsure as I was of his size, I also had no intention of stopping. Ever. I guided him to where we both wanted him to be. He pushed the head of his shaft into me and I gasped.

“God, it feels so good,” he moaned, one hand grasping my ass and the other tangled in my hair, forcing me to lock eyes with him as he breached me slowly.

“Oh God,” I gasped, “don’t stop.” I was right. He was huge and I was not.

“Mine,” he groaned as his fangs descended.

He filled me to the point of pain, but his fingers on my clit forced my body to accept him as he methodically pushed more of his beautiful body into mine. He filled me to capacity and beyond, yet I wanted more. I wanted all of him. The thin line between pain and pleasure blurred to the point I was unsure what it meant. They were so intertwined that I lost sight of myself and became part of him. My core throbbed and I writhed beneath him, begging and crying. My body demanded satisfaction without care for the consequences. I lost all control and arched my pelvis up, pleading for more. My unspoken need undid him. He roared, and with a deep and violent thrust, he buried himself inside of me.

I screamed.

I was flying. My heart and my mind were with him, but my body tightened in protest. I felt him press at my womb. The orgasmic agony ripped through me and suddenly shifted. The pleasure overrode the pain and a slow sensual burn consumed my entire body. I bore down and gripped him inside of me, never wanting to let go.

“Mine,” he growled. He was triumphant, his eyes blazing a beautiful green.

He moved in and out of me with inhuman speed. I was physically at my limit, but unwilling to stop. I needed more. I met each thrust with an abandon I didn’t know I was capable of. My control had snapped and I didn’t ever want it back. I knew it would be amazing, but I didn’t know it would be perfect. I knew it would be good, but this was beyond. A fiery heat erupted as our bodies met. I needed him closer. I needed him deeper.

My nails raked across his back drawing blood, and I kissed him everywhere... neck, chest, shoulders, and lips. It was animalistic and inhuman and I loved it. We branded each other over and over. I no longer knew who I was without him. I spiraled toward an orgasm that would either make me see Jesus or kill me.

“Angel,” Ethan gasped, “bite me.”

My fangs descended and I leaned into his neck as his body possessed mine with a speed and a force I had never known. I bit into his neck and began to drink. He did the same. The explosion that rocked my body was nuclear. I was flying higher than I could have imagined. I couldn’t stop coming... it was the monster of all orgasms. My brain was skitzed and spots of brilliant color danced in my vision. Although I was spent, my body refused to obey. Ethan stiffened on top of me and then released himself. It was powerful and beautiful and felt like nothing I’d ever experienced. He had made me his and I had made him mine in every way possible.

“I love you,” I gasped, running my hands through his hair and gently kissing his swollen lips with my own. “We should, um... probably get cleaned up and go downstairs to your father.”

Ethan laughed and smoothed my hair back from my face. “I love you too, my Angel, but we’re not going anywhere,” he said, tracing my collarbone with his finger. “We’ve only barely gotten started.”

“You can do it again?” I was shocked.

He was delighted. “Oh baby, I’m a Vampyre. I can direct where I want the blood in my body to go.” He grabbed my hand and guided it to his rock-hard penis.

“Oh my God,” I gasped and giggled.

“Are you ready to go again?” he asked, caressing my breast.

“I’m not sure,” I lied with a smile as a slow heat coiled low in my body.

“I believe I can help you be sure,” he said with a wicked grin, moving down my body and burying his face between my legs.

I shrieked as shots of electric pleasure pulsed through me as his tongue did things I’d never known a tongue could do.

“I’m getting pretty sure,” I gasped.

“That’s good.” His voice was gruff as he slid back up my body. “Because I’m very sure I will never get enough of you.”

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Eight hours and forty-five minutes later . . .

I wasn’t exactly sure how I was able to walk. I’d had more sex in the last eight hours than I’d had in my entire life thus far. Drinking Ethan’s blood, as old and as strong as it was, helped me recover some, but it was still a miracle that I could move. Quite honestly, I was surprised he could walk.

About four hours into our sex-a-thon, Ethan presented me with a ring. A six carat, square-cut pink diamond surrounded by white and pink champagne diamond clusters. I almost passed out, being the materialistic gal that I was. Pink diamonds were the rarest in the world. The ring had belonged to Queen Paloma, the King’s first wife. Ethan’s own mother, Queen Antonia, had died in childbirth with Ethan, so Queen Paloma raised Ethan along with her own daughter, Princess Lelia. She had been the one in the Betsy Johnson dress and great shoes, who had tried to kill me in graveyard.

The Queen had given the ring to Ethan over five hundred years ago making him promise to give it to his mate when he found her. Queen Paloma told Ethan that his mate would be the Chosen One and that their life together would be both complicated and beautiful.

“Why did he have so many wives?” I asked, gingerly pulling on some clothes from the stash Ethan had bought for me due to the fact that what I had been wearing yesterday now lay in shreds on the floor.

“It was very common then. There was a high mortality rate. A King had to give the world many princes and princesses. If I had to pick his mate though, it was Queen Paloma,” Ethan told me. How in the hell did he always look so perfect? I watched him button his black shirt and marveled at his beauty. “I am nowhere near as beautiful as you are, my Angel. You are exquisite. Every inch of you is absolutely ravishing and totally mine.”

God, he could fluster me. A pulsing heat beat between my thighs. A change of subject was in order or I was going to throw him down and molest him. Again.

“Get out of my head.” I narrowed my eyes at him and he grinned. I grinned back. “Wait... he couldn’t have been a Vampyre when he fathered you.”

“He wasn’t. He was a regular king with many wives and eleven small children. No one is clear on how he was changed, not even my father himself. We knew of Vampyres, Demons, Angels, and Fairies, but we had never encountered any. After he was turned, he went into hiding for a year, terrified that if he stayed he would harm or kill everyone that he loved.”

“Did he?” I asked.

“Yes.” Ethan paused and then continued slowly, “He drained his brother. Killed him during his first thirst.”

“Oh my God.” I felt horrible for the King and for his brother. Remembering my pain and desperation before I fed for the first time, I was so grateful Pam had been there to feed me. I could have easily killed a mortal in that awful state.

“My father was devastated.” Ethan took my hand. “He adored his brother. That’s when he left. He didn’t know the first hunger was the worst. None of us did.”

Ethan pulled me over to one of the leather couches, sat me on his lap and continued the story.

“During his absence we encountered Demons and Fairies. The worst and most dangerous was Abaddon, the King of the Demons. He showed up and repeatedly tried to seduce my father’s wives in his absence, hoping one would kill my father. This would have let Abaddon assume his reign. The King of the Demons might even have been successful with one of them, but Queen Paloma had his number, so to speak. No matter what face he chose to show himself in to the wives, she banished him back to Hell every time.”

“Why didn’t Abaddon just try to kill the King himself? Why get a wife to do it?” Again I was confused.

“The story is a bit complicated,” he said. “The King’s death must be at the hands of someone emotionally and physically connected to him. Abaddon was neither. The Demon had to be personally responsible without physically committing the murder, if he wanted to gain control of the Upper World. Therefore, one of the King’s wives was a perfect choice. Trust me, the Demon could be very beautiful and very persuasive. The person who destroyed his plans was Queen Paloma. She fought him every time.”

“She sounds amazing,” I said with admiration.

Ethan smiled. “She was. She was as beautiful as she was tough. We all adored her, especially my father.”

“Did that make any of the other wives jealous?” I always wondered how the Mormons did it. You never really heard much about Mormon wives offing each other.

“No,” he said, “it was quite common to be in marriages like that in those days. My father took very good care of all of his wives. They wanted for nothing.”

“Oh, come on.” I punched him in the arm and realized my entire upper body was sore, too. How in the hell was my upper body sore? Oh wait... maybe the handstand position had something to do with that. I knew that was risky, but Ethan had been so impressed... “You can’t tell me that every wife was happy with that arrangement. There had to be some Jerry Springer stuff in there somewhere.”

Ethan raised his brows at my aches and pains, or maybe it was my referencing Jerry Springer. He began to massage my back and neck. God, that felt good. “There was some strife, but that didn’t come until my siblings and I were in our twenties.”

“Mmm,” I moaned. I was in heaven. First sex and then a massage. It didn’t get much better.

“At the time,” he chuckled as I snuggled closer, “we did not know how or why Queen Paloma had died. We didn’t find that out for a hundred years.”

“Didn’t he try to change her?” I asked.

“Yes, that’s when he realized that women who had borne children could not be changed,” he said sadly.

“Why didn’t he say anything? So much heartache could have been avoided had he spoken out.”

“He was too devastated,” Ethan replied. “It’s a decision he regrets every day of his life. Many women died because their husbands didn’t have the knowledge that my father had. Several hundred years ago when everything became known, the monarchy was almost destroyed.”

“So which wives got all pissy?” I asked. Heathcliff had told me some of it, but Ethan had been there. I had to admit that it was weirding me out a little that I was Vampyre-married to someone who was over five hundred years old, but damn, you’d never know he was older than dirt in the bedroom. He was a total rock star in the sack. I didn’t even know people did some of the stuff we did. I couldn’t wait to do it again.

“Um... Angel, I can hear you,” he laughed.

“You have got to get out of my head,” I snapped.

“That’s very difficult now that we’re mated. We’re more connected than any two people could be. You’re mine and I’m yours.”

He leaned in and nipped at my neck sending little electric shocks through my body.

“Stop,” I giggled, “I want to hear more of the story.”

“Fine.” He rolled his eyes and continued. “He changed all of his children, but none of his wives. None of the wives challenged his decision except one. She was furious. She begged and pleaded, but he stood firm. At the time I felt bad for her. I, too didn’t understand why he wouldn’t change her.” He twirled my hair between his fingers. He had no idea how many points he was earning. I loved having my hair played with. That was definitely worth a blow job.

“Angel,” Ethan moaned, “your train of thought is going to make me strip you naked and have my way with you again.”

“Whoops,” I laughed. “Will this sexual thing ever fade?” I asked, not knowing if I wanted him to say yes or no.

“Nope, from what I’ve been told it gets more intense with time and familiarity.”

“Oh my God,” I gasped, “we’ll end up killing each other.”

“I could think of worse ways to go,” he smiled, running his tongue along my shoulder. I shuddered.

“Wait,” I said, pulling out of his embrace. “So is that the wife that got banished?”

Ethan sighed and realized he was not going to get into my pants until my curiosity was satisfied. “Yes, I no longer felt sorry for her after she tried to kill my father. Apparently, Abaddon had regaled my father’s wives with a tale of how to attain immortality without becoming a Vampyre, but only one took the bait. If they sacrificed the King, drank his blood, and ate his flesh, they would live forever.”

“Oookay,” I gagged, “that’s disgusting.”

“Oh, but that’s not all,” Ethan continued, “the murderer must rip out the heart of the Vampyre King, and present it to the Demon King. This action ensures that King Abaddon will rule both the Upper and Underworlds. Abaddon is the most viciously evil of all the Demons, although all Demons live in Hell for their own wicked reasons.”

“Is any of that true?” I was shocked. Vampyres and Demons were sickos. Wait. I belonged in both of those categories. What in the hell did that make me?

“I have no idea,” Ethan said. “It’s never been accomplished... not that it hasn’t been tried. So my father banished his wife, the mother of my sister, Princess Juliet. Juliet disappeared about twenty-five years after her mother was banished. We’ve never been able to find her.”

“Was Juliet angry with the King?” This was fascinating.

“No, we never thought so. She seemed lost after her mother was banished, but she was well loved by the other wives and all of her siblings.”

“So how does The Kev figure into your life?” I asked as I straddled him, making it difficult for him to think.

“You’re so asking for trouble.” Ethan grabbed my hips and pulled me closer.

“I so know that,” I grinned, winding my fingers into his hair and putting my lips to his ear. “How did you meet The Kev?” I ran my tongue along the edge of his ear and sank a fang into the lobe. God, his blood was delicious.

Ethan moaned. “He was sent by an Angel in the Heavens to train me to protect my father.” He was losing control quickly. “I was so surprised to see the form he took this time.” He cupped my bottom with one hand and started to unzip my dress with the other.

“What do you mean, form?” I demanded and he stilled. “What are you talking about? What form?”

“What?” He was confused. “What do you mean, what form?”

“You said it,” I told him trying unsuccessfully to crawl off of his lap. I knew this was important. “What do you mean about The Kev’s form?”

“Oh,” Ethan laughed, “you lost me there for a moment.” Clearly all the blood had left his brain and traveled south. “The Kevin doesn’t really look like Arnold Schwarzenegger.” He tried to kiss me, but I was having none of it.

“What do you mean?” I snapped. “Of course he looks like Arnold Schwarzenegger.” That stopped him.

“Oh baby,” he said, “Angels and Fairies rarely show their true form. They are so beautiful it is impossible to look at them. They can choose any form they like.”

“You are kidding me.” I was astounded.

“Nope,” he smiled at my shock.

“You’re telling me that The Kev doesn’t look like Arnold Schwarzenegger and Pam doesn’t look like Oprah Winfrey?”

Ethan started laughing. Hard. “Your Angel took on the visage of Oprah Winfrey?”

“Yes, she did,” I said, getting pissed at him. “Why in the hell is that so funny?”

He couldn’t stop laughing. He was starting to make me laugh. “I don’t know why I find that so amusing, I just do. She must have a hell of a sense of humor.”

“She does,” I said with loving pride. “She also has a mouth like a sailor.”

“Oh my God.” He was still laughing, “I want to meet her.”

“I’m not sure she’ll let you see her. She seems to have an aversion to Vampyres.”

“Most Angels do,” he said, calming down. “She doesn’t have an aversion to you.”

“No, she loves me,” I told him.

“I do too.” His eyes turned green and his fangs descended.

“Oh no, no, no,” I said, trying to squirm away even though I could feel my own eyes turning green and my fangs descending.

“Oh yes, yes, yes,” he insisted, tearing open the front of my dress. “God, I love that you don’t wear a bra.” His mouth quickly closed over my very erect nipple.

I squealed with delight, threw my head back and gave in to the sensations. Oh hell, what’s another hour or two going to hurt?

Chapter Twenty-Nine

I was so nervous to sit down with the King I thought I was going to pass out. Ethan had more clothes sent up for me, due to the simple fact that all my clothing had yet again been shredded in a sexual frenzy. Of course the new stuff was all Prada. This time it was a body-hugging, midnight blue strapless dress and a kick ass pair of black stilettos. The fabric felt slippery and sexy on my skin. Mortals were really missing out on the Vampyre sensory overload thing. At least I knew I looked good on the outside, even though my insides were churning. Turns out, I had nothing to worry about. Who knew I was going to fall in love with the King within the first two minutes of being near him? I was jealous of Ethan and his siblings. I had always imagined a father just like the King.

“You are absolutely lovely,” the King laughed happily and enveloped me in a bear hug. He smelled wonderful. He held me out at arm’s length and studied my face. “May I?” he asked, indicating he’d like to sample my blood.

From anyone else that request would seem either sexual or repulsive, but from the King it was completely inoffensive, almost sweet. I nodded. He produced a beautiful but wicked-looking dagger from his belt and gently sliced my palm. He brought it to his mouth and licked. He considered for a moment, rolling my blood around on his tongue...

“You are strong yet compassionate. You are very capable of killing, but it is not your first choice. Your strength and skill with Magic will be unparalleled.” His golden eyes sparkled like jewels. “You are gifted beyond reason, and I would hazard a guess that you have only scratched the surface of your abilities. You are much more than just a Vampyre, my little one.”

Oh my God, he knew I was half Demon. Damn, I’d forgotten he could identify species by blood. He paused and I could swear he looked right into my soul. “You are the One,” he whispered. “You are the Chosen One. We have waited so long for you, my beautiful child.”

He squeezed my hand and looked down at the ring on my finger. God, he really did look like the beefy security guy on Jerry Springer that Pam liked so much, only way better. He was bald and muscular. He had incredible cheekbones and his golden eyes were magnetic. His lips were full like Ethan’s and his lashes were impossibly long. It was a little strange that he didn’t look much older than Ethan, but that’s just the way it was with Vamps. Forever young. Pam would fall over dead for this guy. I’d bet money that she would give up her aversion to Vampyres for him.

“Ah, Ethan... ” The King had tears in his eyes. “You’ve given Astrid Queen Paloma’s ring.”

“Yes, Father, she is my mate.”

“Do you love her?” he asked his son.

“Completely,” Ethan told his father while staring directly at me. My knees went weak.

The King gently took my face in his hands. “Do you love my son?”

“I do.”

The King leaned in and kissed my forehead. “Then it is right that you wear the ring,” he smiled and released me. “You two have my blessing.”

“Thank you, Father.” Ethan looked at me with pride and love. I could not remember when I had been this happy.

“Your Majesty,” I said.

“Father,” the King corrected me, “please call me Father.” I couldn’t hide my delight at the honor of his request. It made Ethan and the King laugh. Great, now I was embarrassed. “What is it, my daughter, my Chosen One?”

“About that Chosen One stuff... do you have any idea how I am to serve you?”

“No,” he sighed, “I don’t, but I can feel that the time draws near. There is more Rogue activity in this particular part of the world than ever before. This does not bode well for the mortals or for us. Our anonymity is why we can exist. Without it we will be destroyed.”

“Why this part of the world?” I asked. “Why Kentucky?” It didn’t make sense to me why beautiful, glamorous Vampyres would be drawn to Kentucky. Don’t get me wrong, I loved Kentucky. To me it was paradise, but it wasn’t exactly the mecca of sophistication.

“Don’t you know?” Ethan seemed surprised by my question.

“Clearly I don’t, Mr. Smarty Pants, or I wouldn’t be asking. Let’s see, I’ve been a Vampyre for what? A month?”

Oh my God... I slapped my hand over my mouth. I was mortified. I didn’t really want the King to know how rude I could be right off the bat.

“She has no respect for me,” Ethan sighed with amusement in his voice and lust in his eyes.

The King chuckled. “Ahhh, she reminds me of my Paloma. Astrid, to answer your question, it’s the caves.”

“The caves? Mammoth Caves?” I was confused.

“Yes, Mammoth Caves and the Diamond Caverns are an epicenter of paranormal strength. An apex, if you will, of natural immortal power.”

“I love the caves,” I said.

“Of course you do, that does not surprise me.” He smiled and touched my cheek. I leaned into his hand. Who knew I was so starved for parental affection? I pulled back in embarrassment as he continued. “The caves began forming about ten million years ago during a time of great paranormal activity. The limestone deposits in the caves trapped the earth’s natural Magic and fed it. That enabled the power to grow and strengthen for eternity.”

“Normal people go there every day.” I was shocked to learn all of this.

“Yes, they do,” the King sighed. “The caves opened to the public in 1816. It’s made it more difficult for us, but not impossible. The strongest areas are those that the mortals have not discovered or mapped. There are hundreds of miles of cave that the mortals know of, but hundreds more that they will never find. There are portals to Heaven and Hell in the Diamond Caverns. Many immortals of different species are attracted to this area.”

“Is that why I see Demons everywhere?” It flew out of my mouth before I knew it was coming.

“You see Demons?” Ethan was surprised.

Uh oh... the jig was up. “I do,” I said slowly, “but they’re not all evil.”

Ethan snorted. “All Demons are evil—period.”

“Well, she’s definitely the Chosen One!” The King clapped his hands like a child. “Can you speak to them?” he asked. Ethan looked at his father as if he were crazy.

“Yes, I have four of my own,” I told the King. Ethan watched me with an unfamiliar look in his eyes. “Mine are my babies. They wouldn’t hurt anyone. I love them and they love me.” I knew I was getting defensive.

“Not all Demons are from Hell.” The King assured me while clearly making a point to Ethan. “Some are fallen Angels looking for good deeds so they may return to Heaven. Some are tortured souls who committed suicide and must do earthly penance to redeem themselves in the eyes of God.”

“Do we believe in God?” I whispered, hopeful and scared at the same time.

“I don’t know if you do, but I certainly do.” The King smiled at me. “How can you look around this beautiful world and not believe in God?”

“Do we have souls?” I sounded like a child to my own ears, but these were questions I had been too intimidated to ask until now. If I was very possibly going to die for these Vampyres, I wanted to know exactly where I stood and what I was.

“We do have souls, child,” he reassured me, “and we will answer to God on Judgment Day, same as anyone else. We just have a much longer time to rack up sins than your average mortal.”

“I have to tell you something.” I hesitated and realized I should have told Ethan all of this before I mated with him. Oh my God, he hates Demons. Will he hate me? But I’m not a Demon. Okay I’m half, but Pam said I wasn’t a Demon. Does that count? He had a right to know what I was before he was stuck with me for eternity. How in the hell was I supposed to know he was prejudiced against Demons?

Again, I have screwed up another relationship. I guess I’ll be headed to Vampyre divorce court. I felt sick. I was in love with someone who hated what I was.

“Yes, my daughter?” the King waited.

“Right before my mother, um... died two weeks ago, she introduced me to a Demon. A bad one and she said... well, I mean, told me... ” God, there was no easy way to say this. “She said he was my father.”

The room was silent. Ethan’s anger was palpable.

“What was your mother?” Ethan demanded coldly. It was the first time I was afraid of him since our encounter in the graveyard. He was no longer the man I’d just spent hours making love with. He was the Prince of the North American Dominion and I was but a lowly subject with whom he was furious.

“Mortal, I think.” My voice came from far away.

“Is that possible?” he snapped at his father.

“Anything is possible,” the King said, looking at me intently. “After your change, you were raised and fed by an Angel and a Fairy, correct?” he asked.

“Correct,” I told him. “My Angel is Pam and my Fairy is The Kev.”

“My goodness,” the King smiled and took my hand, “they sent down the big guns for you.” When he touched my face, he made me feel safe and cared for. “There is no problem... you are not evil. You are who you are supposed to be. You are the Chosen One.”

God, he made me feel better. I’d spent my whole life thinking there was something wrong with me and that I wasn’t good enough to win my mother’s love, that I was unlovable. I had that same feeling in the pit of my stomach when Ethan got so mad. If the King could love a half Demon, I could only hope Ethan would do the same.

“Don’t you think,” Ethan said between clenched teeth, “that you might have informed me that you were a Demon before we mated?”

“Are you serious?” I gasped.

“Completely,” he said, his voice cold.

Oh my God, he was such an asshole. I was filled with rage and humiliation and embarrassment. I wanted to sob, or to hit him, but mostly I wanted to run away. If he did not want me, I did not want him. “Your Highness,” I spoke with icy calm, “it’s half Demon, not Demon. But you’re right, I should have told you... just like you should have told me you were going to severely limit my dating options before you bit me in front of six hundred Vampyres. Next time you sink your teeth into somebody you should probably do a better background check.”

I was amazed at my ability to sound cold and mean when all I really wanted to do was beg him to love me.

“Limiting dating options and being a disgusting spawn of the Devil are two entirely different things. Don’t you think?” His voice dripped with sarcasm and anger. I barely recognized him.

“No, I don’t think,” I hissed.

“That’s right... your kind doesn’t do much thinking.”

My cold, dead heart was truly broken. I wanted to die for real. Instead, I held my head high and looked the son of a bitch right in the eye.

“According to my Angel and my Fairy, their blood negated any Demonic tendencies I may have had. So you see, Your Highness, I am not considered a Demon. Back to your original concerns though, you’re right. I should have told you I was a disgusting half Demon, and on the same note you probably should have told me that you were a hateful, bigoted half-asshole!” I yelled.

Oh my God, was I crying? Shit, I was crying.

I tried to take the ring off and throw it at him, but it was stuck on my finger. I cried out in frustration and I narrowed my gaze at him. It finally seemed to have an effect. He still looked furious, but he was also very upset and uncomfortable. Good.

“We are no longer mated,” I hissed. I was losing it fast. “I don’t want you and you don’t want me. We are done!” My non-beating heart was shattered. I backed up quickly as he started to come for me. What the hell? Did he want to kill me on top of destroying my life?

“Don’t you dare come near me,” I screamed. That stopped him dead in his tracks. I threw my hands in the air and in a cloud of Fairy Glitter... I disappeared.

* * *

“She’s a feisty one, isn’t she?” The King said, brushing the magical glitter off of his suit.

“How can you be so calm?” Ethan yelled at his father. The King just stared at his son. “Oh my God, what have I done?”

Ethan dropped down into a chair and put his head in his hands. The King patted his son on the back.

“She can’t do that, can she?” he asked.

“Do what, my son?” the King asked.

“She can’t break the mating. She can’t leave me.”

“No,” the King said gently, “she can’t break the mating. Once the relationship is consummated, it is permanent. Unbreakable, except through death. As far as leaving you... that she can do, but you would still be mated.”

“She’s mine, whether she knows it or not,” Ethan muttered. He paused for a moment. “I don’t think I handled that well.”

His head dropped back into his hands.

“No,” his Father agreed, “I don’t believe you did. You may think she’s yours, but I’m quite sure she would not agree. Does it really bother you that she is half Demon?”

“For a moment it did. My God, I’ve hated Demons for over five hundred years... and then I realized that I wouldn’t care if she were half the Devil himself. I’d still love her.” He paused. “What do I do now?”

The King considered his son’s options. “I suppose you could start by begging.”

Chapter Thirty

I walked slowly toward the tomb, my hands outstretched. I could feel the tingling in my fingertips. It quickly spread down my arms, through my chest and into my legs. My heart was pounding inside me, my stomach felt twisted and it was hard to breathe. The wind picked up and blew my hair wildly around my head. I was inches away.

“Push, Astrid,” she gasped.

I placed both of my hands on the tomb and began to push. The tomb started to crumble under my fingers. The stone turned to cold, hard diamonds—beautiful, sparkling sharp ice that sliced into my hands. My hands bled, but I did not stop. I was so close. The blood ran from my hands, down my arms, and seeped into the soft white cotton of my shirt. The stunning diamonds were awash in my blood... I knew if I pushed just a little more... I could... The pain was becoming intolerable. Every nerve ending in my body was on high alert, screaming for me to stop.

If I could just push harder... I felt silk, soft slippery silk, between my fingers. Her dress... .I was touching her dress. I was so close to her. I knew I could save her. I needed to pull her out. I looked down and watched my blood turn her beautiful, sheer, green silk dress to crimson. She was laughing with joy... She was so proud of me. I had waited my whole life to hear her tell me...

OUCH! What the fu... ? I opened my eyes. My little monsters were standing on my chest covered in bloody diamonds, looking confused and alarmed.

“Oh my God,” I cried, “are you guys okay?”

I frantically brushed the bloody diamonds off of my babies and checked them for injuries. Ross had a jagged cut on his forehead and Honest Abe’s shoulder was sliced open. Beyonce and Rachel looked upset but fine. The boy’s gashes were not deep, but they were definitely bleeding. Why in the hell were bloody diamonds in my room? That was a dream. Wasn’t it?

I picked up a handful of diamonds and stared at them as they turned to a fine powdery dust and slipped through my fingers. I thought I was okay with all the Magic and craziness in my life, but this one was a little unnerving.

“Dink,” Ross pointed to his little forehead.

“I know, baby,” I cooed, holding him in my palm and running my thumb through his Velcro hair. It had just been in the last week that we’d been able to fully communicate with speech. It thrilled me. “You dinked your little head. Mommy will make it better.” I went to wipe the blood away with my finger and they all started screaming, scaring the hell out of me and making me drop Ross onto the bed.

“No, Mommy,” they shrieked. “Dink, dink, dink!” They mimed licking Ross’ forehead and Honest Abe’s shoulder. What the fu... ? They wanted me to drink from them?

“Drink?” I asked them.

“Dink, dink. YESSS!”

They were doing back flips and grinning from ear to ear, slapping each other with high fives and kissing me all over my face. I giggled and squeezed Ross’ fat belly. He screamed with joy and proceeded to tackle Honest Abe, who in turn tried to slap Rachel in the back of the head but missed and nailed Beyonce. Of course Beyonce got pissed and kicked Honest Abe in his little Demon nuts. Honest Abe doubled over and moaned in agony while Beyonce laughed hysterically. Rachel just looked confused and Ross cupped his own balls, in defense or solidarity... I didn’t know which.

“I can’t drink from you. I might hurt you,” I told them. Now there was an irony considering what they had just done to each other.

“DINK, DINK, DINK,” they chanted, jumping up and down on my bed. They sounded like the Munchkins from The Wizard of Oz, or me after I sucked all the helium out of a balloon.

I picked up Ross and brought him eye level. “Are you sure?” I asked. I would die if I hurt him.

“Yesssss, Mommmmy,” he said, kissing all my fingertips. The peanut gallery below was still chanting “Dink, Dink, Dink.” I gently ran my tongue over Ross’ wound. He tasted amazing, like Skittles and Sweet Tarts. He purred like a happy kitten.

The minute his blood entered my system something strange happened. Bolts of heat shot through my body, down through my toes and out through my fingertips. It was violent. I started to convulse, but it quickly turned into a gentle hot wave churning inside me. It didn’t hurt, just felt surreal, floaty and powerful. I wondered if I was crazy to trust my Demons. No, I was not crazy. I did trust them. With my life.

Ross stared at me, his little golden eyes shining. He gently touched my chin. “Take moooooore, Mommy, you need more. I make you strong.” He licked my face and rubbed his Velcro hair on my cheek. His cut had almost closed. I carefully ran my tongue over it again and had an identical reaction. As I came down off the bizarre high from Ross’ blood, I could hear Honest Abe impatiently babbling.

“Me next, Mommmmy, MEEEEEEEE! My turn, Mommmmmmy,” he yelled frantically, jumping up and down like a Mexican jumping bean on crack. I picked him up and slowly licked his shoulder, being careful not to hurt him. He tasted different from Ross, but just as wonderful. His blood reminded me of watermelon Jolly Ranchers. I was shocked as my body started levitating off the bed. The ringing in my ears was almost deafening, but I could still make out the joyous cheering from my baby Demons.

“More, more, more, Mommmmmy,” they whooped. So I did. I licked again from the quickly healing shoulder wound of my little Honest Abe. He kissed me with delight as I levitated even higher.

He crawled up my face, over to my ear and whispered, “You can flllllyyyy now, Mommmmmy. I give you flllyyy.” He giggled and kissed me again.

I floated back down to my bed and realized I had controlled that. If I visualized what I wanted to happen, I could make it happen. I tried again. I closed my eyes and pictured myself flying around my room. I opened my eyes and I was doing it! I laughed and did back flips in the air as easily as if I were underwater. My little cheering section whistled and shouted.

I shot some Glitter Magic down to them and they went ballistic. I floated back to my bed and happily watched my Demons have fun. They were showing off like crazy, doing every trick they knew. Then all of a sudden they froze.

I looked around my room in a panic. Was someone here? No, it was just us. I looked back down at my babies. Beyonce had stepped forward and was clearing her little munchkin throat. She had taken up poetry and I could feel one coming on. The others were right to freeze. Beyonce had been known to beat the snot out of anyone who even breathed during one of her poems. She reminded me of Pam.

“Between this world and the next,

There’s only one way to kill,

A magic secret blown in the ear,

Do not cave into yourself,

Be strong like a rock and save us.”

She finished and took a bow. All the other Demons clapped like their lives depended on it.

Holy shit, what in the hell was that? If that was a foreshadow, it was bad. I wasn’t clear if Beyonce was talking about her past, or my future. I had a feeling it was my future, considering all the gifts I’d been receiving today.

“Mommmmmy, say with Beyonce,” she shrieked at me.

“Oookay,” I said.

“Say it, say it, say it.” They ran in a circle flapping their little arms like birds. I started and they joined.

“Between this world and the next,

There’s only one way to kill,

A magic secret blown in the ear,

Do not cave into yourself,

Be strong like a rock and save us.”

We finished and they just stared at me. “Will Mommy remember?” Beyonce asked me.

I realized then that the poem was definitely about my future.

“Yes, I will,” I told her. They looked at one another and seemed satisfied with my answer. After that, they began to pummel each other joyously. Rachel pulled herself out of the fray and shyly approached me.

“Rachel give Mommmeeeey present?” she asked.

God, she was cute. “Okay, baby,” I told her.

“Rachel’s present will hurt Mommmmmy, but she needs it. Okey dokey, Mommmmy?” she inquired, showing me her razor sharp little claws which were glowing a gorgeous sparkly iridescent silver pink.

What the fu... ? Today had to go down as the weirdest day of my life.

“Okay Rachel, how long will it take you to give Mommy your present?” I asked nervously.

She giggled, “Rachel go fast. Me no like to hurt Mommy.” She jumped up on me and made her way to my chest. She settled herself under my right collarbone and went to work.

Holy hell! Hurt didn’t even begin to describe it. The pain felt like hot poisoned lava burning my skin. I shut my eyes tight and with super Vampyre strength willed myself to stay still. I tried to count but all I wanted to do was die.

Finish...

God, please...

I was falling off of a cliff made of fire. A flock of sad beautiful white birds flew by and looked at me, but they didn’t try to save me. Angry voodoo dolls shot bloody fire arrows at my body, and Elvis was dancing on my grave. Naked... WTF? I realized I was inside Rachel’s mind and it was not a real good place to be. Then it stopped.

“Finished, Mommmmmy,” Rachel whispered. I opened my eyes and all four of them stood quietly on my chest, watching me.

“It’s a tattoo?” I asked Rachel. My voice sounded scratchy and far away. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that tattoos didn’t last on Vampyres. I was too scared she would try again.

“Angel Wings. Rachel give Mommy Angel Wing tattoo!” she trilled. “If Mommmy touches it, she gets more stronger.”

Well shit, I didn’t need to be any stronger than I already was, but I figured I’d try them out. I gingerly touched my wings. They felt hot to the touch. I shot some Glitter Magic at my Demons. It blasted out of my fingertips like bullets and knocked my little babies clear across the room. I freaked and ran to them only to find them laughing like hyenas and screaming.

“Again, again,” they screeched.

God, they were tough little suckers. I scooped them up and gently kissed each one of them. In my hands, I held four amazingly powerful little creatures who loved me. They shared their gifts with me because they loved me... just the way I was.

I looked down at myself and realized I was still in my Prada dress and the kickass stilettos and I started to cry. I hated Ethan so much. I was no longer mated to him. He was no longer mine and I was no longer his. I felt broken, like I’d experienced a death. Why did it hurt so bad? I’d only known him a month. Why did it feel like my heart had been shredded? I cried harder. The mating probably didn’t even count because I was a Demon. I should have known it was too good to be true.

Men were bad. I will never forget that again. That was the only thing that my mother had ever been right about.

I would do my duty though. I would prove my worth to the King and do whatever I had to do to save him and his people, and then I would leave. I would fulfill my destiny as the Chosen One, and then I would disappear.

I would never lay eyes on the Prince of the North American Dominion again. I’d go to Europe or Australia, or maybe I’d die while I was saving everybody. I really didn’t care. My heart was broken and all I had left was my pride. He had already taken my heart. He could not have my pride. Ever.

“Asscrack?” Pam yelled, banging on my door. “Get your sorry butt out to the TV room, fast. We’ve got business to take care of and Jerry Springer comes on in thirty-eight minutes. So haul ass!”

God, I was happy to be home. I was safe. I knew what to expect here... Jerry Springer, swear words and unconditional love. I quickly changed into some awesome jeans, my favorite pale coffee-colored camisole, a thick brown belt and some rockin’ dark brown Doc Marten combat boots. With my pale skin and fangs, I looked very Vamp chic. I glanced back at the stilettos and the dress crumpled on the floor and felt my eyes fill up. Stop. I would not cry for him anymore.

I had to stop loving people who didn’t love me back. I was so empty on the inside, but time and distance from him would heal that. I was a Vampyre, damn it. I was going to live for God knew how many years. I would meet hundreds and thousands of guys that would make Ethan look like the asshole that he was. I plastered a big fake smile on my face, threw my shoulders back and left my room.

But I really didn’t believe a word of that shit. Help me, Jesus.

“Pam? The Kev? Gemma?” I yelled as I hurried down the hall, “I’ve missed you so... ” I stopped dead in my tracks. Gemma was sitting on my couch between two people I didn’t know. A statuesque black woman, whose beauty was so riveting it, was ridiculous. She looked about thirty. Her skin was a creamy, dark mocha. Her lips were full and her eyes were an amethyst purple. They were shaped like a cat’s and were fringed with long black lashes. She had a big bosom and long legs. She was beyond stunning.

The man though was a joke. I was sure my eyes were playing tricks on me. I thought Vampyres were beautiful? They had nothing on this guy... although I personally thought Ethan was prettier. No. Stop. Ethan was dead to me. The man on my couch had blonde hair and the bluest eyes I’d ever seen. He had the face of a god and the body of an Olympic champion. I felt like a total shlub in front of these strangers. Gemma looked different too, even more beautiful than usual. What in the hell was going on?

“What the fuck are you staring at, Asswipe?” The gorgeous woman on the couch bellowed at me.

“Pam?” I was in shock.

“Who in the hell else would I be, dumbass?”

The man on the couch chuckled and smiled lovingly at me. “The Kev?” I asked.

“Yes, my Krumecaca, it’s me.” His accent was gone! Imagine that. He put his arms out and I ran to him.

“You guys look... um... well... ” I didn’t want to say the wrong thing.

“I look fuckin’ hot is how I look,” Pam yelled, yanking me off The Kev’s lap and onto hers. Damn, she was strong. “Let me look at you, child.” She examined my collar bone and nodded with satisfaction at my tattoo. “It’s about time those little bastards branded you.”

“You know about my Demons?” Did I have any secrets at all?

“Of course I know about them,” Pam shouted. How could someone so beautiful be so loud and obnoxious? “I know everything, jackass. They’re Fallen Angel Demons and they’re under my jurisdiction.” She pressed on my Angel Wing tattoo.

“Tattoos don’t last on Vampyres,” I told her.

“That one will,” Pam informed me, “that ain’t no normal tattoo.”

I’d heard everything now. I turned to Gemma who sat quietly watching me. “How long have you known about these two super models?” I asked her.

“Not long,” she laughed, “but I had a feeling because of their auras.” She looked at The Kev and blushed. He put his arm around her possessively.

“Is there anything I should know?” I poked her with my combat boot-covered foot. She looked up at me and I was amazed. Gemma’s eyes were a sparkling glittery silver and her skin had an otherworldly glow. She looked like a magical Fairy Princess.

She smiled, took my hand in hers and gently pulled me down on the couch. She was trembling. “Dude,” she whispered and giggled. “It’s all insane. I am totally in love with him.” She looked at The Kev, who gently kissed her. I squeezed her hand, willing her to go on. “I know what I am now and although I’m scared... I can do it.”

I swallowed hard when Gemma took my face into her warm loving hands. “You are the reason I can do it. Your bravery and the way you’ve kept your humanity when it would be so easy to let it go, makes me believe I’ll be okay, too. I love you so much, Astrid.” She started to cry and lovely silvery diamond tears slid down her lovely face.

“What are you?” I whispered, wiping her tears away.

“It’s what I will be. I’m not there yet,” she said.

“Can you still be a Prada whore?”

Gemma laughed, “But of course... once a Prada whore, always a Prada whore.”

“Thank God,” I muttered. “So?”

“So, I am the reincarnation of the Fairy Queen.”

“For real?” I asked.

“For real,” she replied.

“Immortal?” I held my breath.

“Yep,” Gemma squealed.

Oh. My. God. This was the best news in the world. It almost eclipsed the fact that I was single again. Gemma and I could be friends for thousands of years. Literally. “Are you guys totally sure about this?” I hadn’t even realized reincarnation was possible. Then again I hadn’t known Vampyres or Demons or God only knew what else was possible either.

“Yes, we are very sure,” The Kev said. “She died about seven hundred years ago in the last major war with the Underworld. I have been waiting for her for a long time.” He was so obviously in love with her. I hated myself, but I felt a pang of jealousy.

I wanted Ethan to love me like that. Wait. No, I didn’t. I didn’t want him at all... ever. Besides, he didn’t want me. I would never think about him again. Good luck with that.

“What do you mean you’re not there yet?” She looked like a Fairy Queen to me.

“Well... ” Gemma started.

“For fuck’s sake,” Pam groaned, “you people are taking too damn long, and my program is about to come on. She has to break the four Mortal Strings before she becomes the Queen again.”

“Mortal Strings?” I asked.

“If you’d shut your cakehole,” Pam bellowed, “I’ll finish.” I bit my lip to keep from laughing. She may be beautiful, but she was still nasty. “The first string she had to break was feeding a Vampyre.” Pam pointed at me. “That was you. The second was falling in love with a Fairy... that was him.” She pointed at The Kev. “Then of course she had to fuck the Fairy.”

I burst out laughing as The Kev and Gemma looked mortified to have their sex life discussed so crudely and bluntly by Pam.

“The fourth Mortal String,” Pam went on, enjoying everyone’s embarrassment, “well... we don’t know what in the hell the fourth Mortal String is. She’ll just have to figure it out like she did the others.” Pam sat there for a moment and then looked at Gemma and The Kev. “Does that about cover it?”

“Yes.” The Kev was still blushing. Gemma was simply in shock. “That covers it.”

“What’s on your hand?” Gemma asked me, quickly changing the subject.

I held up my hand and showed them the six carat Pink Diamond that was stuck on my finger. Pam gasped, “You mated with Ethan?”

“How did you know that?” I asked her.

She looked taken aback for a moment, but regrouped quickly and shouted, “Because I know everything, Asscrack.”

“I did mate with him... then I broke it.” Holy hell, it hurt to say that.

“Why?” Pam demanded. “Don’t you love him?”

“That doesn’t matter,” I said defensively. “He doesn’t want a half Demon for a mate and I forgot to tell him about that before I bit the bastard.”

Pam started laughing, “Damn, you are the right woman for him.” She shook her not so Oprah-like head and smiled, “You ain’t no half Demon. Well, technically you are, but you were raised by... ”

“Yeah, yeah... ” I cut her off. “He knows all that and he doesn’t want me and I don’t want him either.”

“Tough,” she yelled gleefully, “you can’t just decide it’s over.”

“Well, I did,” I informed her, daring her to disagree.

“Maybe, maybe not,” The Kev said quietly. Pam narrowed her eyes at him. If I were The Kev I’d be scared, but he just smiled at Pam and pinched her cheek. “Astrid, I have a gift for you, but you cannot use it in haste. If you do you will regret it greatly.” I wondered if this gift would be as painful as Rachel’s. “It’s a wish. You may use it to dissolve your mating or you may use it for whatever your heart desires.”

“I already dissolved my mating,” I insisted.

“Of course,” he replied.

“Can I use it to wish for more wishes?” I joked.

The Kev laughed. “No, you can’t. I would be very careful. Do not use it too quickly, for once you use it, it is gone.” His tone became serious. “This wish can create life or cause death. This wish extends far beyond the mortal world.”

Oh My God, I could use this wish to see Nana again. Or to have a baby. That one was impossible since my indoor plumbing was non-functioning. The Kev was right. I would not use this wish quickly or unwisely.

“Thank you,” I told him. “I will use it carefully.”

“Good girl,” The Kev said, taking me into his arms. “When you use the wish say, ‘Hear Me, O Fairies’ and then state your desire.” I nodded. “You need to feed from all three of us now. Our time with you is limited.”

My stomach lurched and my eyes welled up. I had a feeling they would be leaving soon because they had gone back to their true forms.

“What about Gemma?” I was falling apart.

“She has to go, but she will be back.” He pulled me close and I fed from him.

Just as Jerry Springer started, Pam pried me away from The Kev and took me on to her lap. “Pam,” I was still sniffling, “you would love the Vampyre King. He looks kind of like the beefy, bald security guy from Jerry Springer, but better.”

She laughed and drew me to her neck, “I’ve heard he’s one hot piece of ass.” God, she was profane.

Finally, I went to my Gemma, who was snarfing Black Raspberry Chip for me. I realized as I drank from her that Black Raspberry Chip ice cream was not better than sex with Ethan. This made me sad. That asshole had ruined me for all other men, and ice cream too. Maybe there were Vampyre Nuns. I may as well join an order and be celibate, rather than be disappointed the rest of my life. There was no comparing anyone to that jerk bastard.

I finished eating and put my head into my hands. Why was my life always so messy?

“Astrid?”

I looked up. Heathcliff was standing in my living room. I was alone on my couch and Jerry Springer was still spouting nonsense on the TV.

“Do you actually watch that?” he asked, smiling.

“No,” I said, “well... sometimes. Why are you here?” I wondered where my family had gone and if they were gone for good.

“We’ve found the Rogues headquarters and we’re going in.” He handed me my katana, a dagger and several throwing stars. “Are you ready?”

I nodded. He had no idea. “Let’s go,” I said. Today was as good a day to die as any.

Chapter Thirty-One

Heathcliff seemed shocked I could fly. Hell, he’d pass out cold if I showed him the rest of my party tricks. He held my hand as we flew through the night. I felt safe with him. Furthermore, I’d never flown outside and it didn’t appeal to me to run into a cell tower or, God forbid, a low-flying plane.

I could tell we were flying south, directly toward Mammoth Caves. Shit, were we going to fight in the caves? It was impossible to communicate with Heathcliff. We were traveling over a hundred miles an hour. It was insane. I had never felt so free in my life. As we came in for a landing, Heathcliff brought his legs down in front of him, kicking mine forward as he did so. We both landed smoothly on our feet in a field about a half mile from the main cave entrance.

“Thanks,” I smiled, exhilarated from our flight. As giddy as I felt about flying, I was getting panicked about what was to come and who I was going to have to see. I looked around and saw my team of Samuel, Luke, David, Venus, Cathy and the rest. Princess Lelia and Princess Raquel, my two kind-of ex sister-in-laws who tried to kill me a while back in the graveyard, were also here. I noticed the redhead, Princess Raquel, giving Heathcliff the evil eye. Oh My God, I bet Heathcliff was the one that ripped her arms off all those years ago.

“Bastard,” she hissed as she walked by him.

“Bitch,” he grinned broadly, displaying his beautiful dimples. This seemed to piss her off greatly and delight him tremendously.

“Astrid,” Princess Lelia cooed. The mocha-skinned beauty, approached me with a shit eating grin on her face and a wild sparkle in her amethyst eyes. Princess Raquel, composing herself from her exchange with Heathcliff, followed closely behind her sister. “Aren’t you the sneaky one,” Princess Lelia laughed. “I’m so glad we didn’t kill you. That would have been a major cluster!”

Princess Raquel grabbed me by my shoulders and studied my face. “You really are beautiful. Welcome to the family, although you do have my sympathy for mating with my brother,” she laughed and kissed me soundly on the lips. Clearly she hadn’t spoken with her brother or she’d realize we were definitely not related.

He was here. I didn’t see him, but I could feel him. My stomach was doing flips and his scent was making me dizzy. He was trying to get into my head to gauge my feelings, but I was not going to let him in. I was starting to come undone. I touched my wings and shut the doors in my mind. He was not welcome inside me ever again.

“Astrid,” a child called out to me. I turned, but there was no child in sight. There was a beautiful teenage Vampyre girl in front of me. She had a rockin’ layered bob, a stunning face and turquoise eyes. Turquoise, like the ocean in the Caribbean. I’d have paid big bucks for the jeans and spike-heeled boots she had on. Her top was one I’d been admiring in the Anthropologie catalog for weeks. Now that I could see it in person, I was definitely ordering it. I wanted to see what size she was wearing. I wondered if she’d let me try it on...

“Astrid,” she said, smiling at me.

“Paris?” I choked out.

“Yes.” She still sounded like a little girl, but she looked like a million bucks.

“Holy shit,” I gasped. “What in the hell happened to you?” Paris Hilton was gorgeous. I grabbed her and swung her around like a three year old. “You are so beautiful!”

Was I screaming? Yes... yes I was.

“Niecey and the gal in the back of the art class whose name always escapes me gave me a makeover,” she said shyly.

“Oh my God, I had no idea a beautiful girl was hiding under all that Goth shit.”

“Are you happy with me?” she asked.

“Oh, Paris... ” I put her down and took her hands. “I’ve always been bizarrely happy with you. You are amazing and strong and good. The only thing your makeover does is make the outside as beautiful as the inside. This is who you are. You don’t need to cover up your beauty with all those black clothes and black makeup and... Wait, are you wearing contact lenses?” I marveled at her turquoise eyes.

“No,” she said, embarrassed. “I used to wear black contacts. I thought it was cool... the old gals didn’t,” she laughed.

“Are you here to fight?” I asked.

“Yes, I would do anything for my Prince and my King... and for you,” she added quietly.

I kissed both of her cheeks. “Be careful,” I told her and moved away to find out the plan. I turned and ran smack into the person I was trying to avoid. I jumped back as if burned and saw the pain flash across in his eyes.

“She looks lovely,” Ethan said, referring to Paris. “Thank you.”

“Yes, she does,” I snapped, “and don’t bother thanking me. I didn’t do it, my old ladies did.”

I turned my back on him and tried to walk away. He grabbed my arm and hauled me up against his body. If everyone was watching, I was unaware. The only thing I could focus on was Ethan—the feel of him, the smell of him. My body automatically began to mold to his. No. This was no time for my inner slut to take over. I tried to jerk away, but he imprisoned me firmly against his body. What did he want from me? He’d already destroyed me. As much as I hated him, all I wanted to do was lean in, wrap my arms around him, and press my lips to his.

“Let me go,” I hissed.

“Astrid,” he said, his voice tight, “we need to talk.”

“No, Ethan, we don’t,” I cut him off. “I will fulfill all my duties as the Chosen One and then I will go away from you. Away from all of you.”

I thought he had already decimated my heart, but the pain I felt now let me know there was more damage to be done. God, if he didn’t let me go soon there was no telling how I would betray myself.

“Angel, I lov... ”

“Stop,” I lashed out, disengaging myself from him. My whole body trembled. “You have to stop. You and I were a mistake.” He flinched. “You were a mistake I will never repeat. I’ll do my duty and nothing more.”

Damn it, I was going to cry.

“Part of your duty as the Chosen One is to be mine,” Ethan said quietly.

“Maybe at one time,” I told him flatly. “Not anymore.”

I walked away. And he let me.

* * *

It was unnerving to be in the caves at night. These were definitely not the caves that were open to the public. The caves went on for over three hundred and ninety miles, but the areas of extreme paranormal strength were way off the beaten path. They were on a path the mortals knew nothing about.

The plan was to spread out and take down as many Rogues as possible. Kill if we had to, but leave some alive for questioning. If there were humans, we were to get them to safety.

I was part of the Alpha Group. We would spearhead and be the first unit in. It was the most dangerous position. Alpha consisted of Samuel, Heathcliff, Cathy, Luke, Ethan and myself. I saw Cathy roll her eyes when I was called to Alpha Group. She was never going to like me. I could only hope that she would have my back if I needed her.

“No,” Ethan said firmly, “Astrid will go with Unit Two. She has no combat experience.”

I heard Cathy snicker.

“With all due respect, my Liege,” Samuel cut in, “you’re wrong. She is the deadliest weapon we have. She can do far more damage than all of us combined.”

Samuel has the biggest balls I’d ever witnessed. Nobody second-guessed the Prince. Not to mention that Samuel was high if he thought I was stronger than a whole bunch of Vamps put together. Ethan looked down. His hands clenched into fists. He did not like to be challenged. However, I supposed if you were as old as Samuel you might know a thing or two. I was in no position to speak, but I knew I was ready for Alpha Group. I watched Ethan’s internal debate.

“Your Highness,” Heathcliff added, “Astrid is ready and we need her. Samuel is right.”

Ethan looked up and his eyes bored into mine. “You will be with me.” He left no room for argument. “We will move in groups of two. After ten minutes, unless someone signals, Unit Two will follow with Unit Three close behind. We have the element of surprise on our side. Move silently and quickly.”

We wore small black watches on our wrists. They were mini computers with communication capabilities and alarm signals built in. Vampyres adored electronics. I almost asked if we had flashlights. Thank God that didn’t pass my lips. I would have been thrown into Unit Five Hundred if I’d asked a question so stupid. Vampyres could see better in the dark than in the light.

The tunnels were unbelievable, truly one of nature’s miracles. I reached out and ran my fingers over the calcite stalagmites and stalactites. They looked like crystals and diamonds hanging from the ceilings and walls and bursting out of the floors of the caves. No one, no matter how talented, could out-do Mother Nature. I could feel the power flowing through the currents in the air. It felt good and I felt strong

The six of us entered together and immediately split into our groups of two. I could make out sounds in the distance... screaming, laughing, gunfire and... slapping? I felt for my weapons and gently pressed my fingertips to my wings. I had a feeling I’d be using brute strength and Magic more than anything else.

“You will stay behind me at all times,” Ethan informed me in a harsh whisper.

I yanked him to a stop and got right up in his face. In these tight quarters, my breasts were pressed firmly against his chest. I did my best to ignore the jolt of pleasure that ripped through me at the contact. “You are full of shit. I am the Chosen One. My job is to protect you,” I hissed at him. “We will watch each other’s backs and we will focus on the job at hand... not our problems with each other. Do you understand me?” I demanded.

His burning gaze made me fear I’d gone too far. I didn’t want to fight him. I wanted to kiss him, but I didn’t

“I understand you.” His voice was terse. I could tell he wanted to say a lot more, but I walked ahead and didn’t give him the chance.

We moved quickly together through the tunnels. I was losing my human self. My eyes turned green and my fangs descended. My senses sharpened. I was a Vampyre now and I was okay with it. It was the first time I think I truly accepted and embraced what I had become. I could see, hear and smell with more accuracy than I ever had.

As we moved closer to the noise, I could smell Vampyres and mortals. I scented anger, hatred, hunger, lust and fear. At first, I was unsure if the humans were alive or dead. From the agonized screaming I heard, I guessed that even if some were alive, it wouldn’t be for long.

I kept one hand on Ethan so we didn’t lose each other. We were moving very quickly. I planned to save humans, kill Rogues, and protect the man I hated. I realized that I would die for him. Happily. That’s how much I hated him. Why did he have to be such an ass?

We neared what sounded like one of Dante’s Circles of Hell. I could never have been prepared for what I saw. We came to a ledge about forty feet above the carnage below. The Rogue Vampyres were so agitated and involved in their feeding frenzy that they didn’t scent or see us. I was able to take in the horrific scene.

It was dimly lit by torches. There were four or five mounds of human remains. They had been drained and some had flesh missing. They’d been eaten. There were fifteen to twenty bodies in each mound. The stench of rotting human flesh was revolting. I gagged and felt an anger begin to build in me like I’d never known.

There were about twenty Rogues down below and just as many barely alive humans. The Rogues were letting the mortals try to escape. It was sad and horrifying to watch the hope in those poor people. They ran around like caged rats, moaning and crying while the scum of the earth Rogues laughed maniacally and picked them off one by one.

I moved to enter the cavern, but Ethan held me back. Not yet, he mouthed and very quietly punched a code into his watch. We waited and he watched the sick activity below with a look of horror and disgust on his face equal to my own.

His watch beeped softly. He looked at me. There was a lot in that look that I had no time to decipher. He took my hand and whispered, “Let’s go.”

I touched my wings and pressed hard. I had no plans to leave any Rogue alive, not after what I saw they were capable of. We flew down from our perch at the same time as the rest of the Alpha Unit flew down from theirs. I had heard the term ‘all hell broke loose’ many times before, but I’d never seen it happen until now. Gut-wrenching screams erupted from mortals and Rogues alike as we took the room by storm. Fangs were snapping and blades were flying.

I tapped my chest and my shield surrounded me. No weapon could touch me. I wondered if I could extend it to my team. I knew I’d have to make physical contact with them to make it work. I was closest to Ethan. I quickly turned to him and watched him rip the head off of a Rogue Vampyre with his bare hands. Well, I supposed that was one way to do it. I touched him and cast the protection shield. He jerked once and then turned to me with awe in his eyes. He nodded. It worked.

I felt a blade slice up the back of my calf. What the fu... ? How in the hell did a blade break my shield? I realized that by transferring my shield to Ethan it no longer protected me. There was no time to reset my shield around myself, nor did I want to. I wanted it around him. I pivoted and shot hundreds of silver bullets from my fingertips into the heart of a female Vampyre who looked familiar to me. I squatted down to get a good look at her after she was dead. Did I know her? No, but she looked like somebody.

Holy hell... she looked like me.

I unsheathed my katana and cut her head off, just in case the silver hadn’t shredded her heart. Without a thought, I quickly beheaded two more Rogues and pinned three others to the wall with Magic. The other two Units had arrived. I vaguely saw Paris and Venus kicking ass and taking mortals to safety.

I approached the pinned Vampyres with care and they eyed me warily. I had two silver throwing stars in one hand and my silver dagger in the other. What the fu... ? Why did all these Rogue Vampyres resemble me? Dark brown hair, gold eyes, full lips, long lean bodies... but the worst part was the mole. They all had a mole high on their left cheekbone, just like me. Was I losing my mind? They seemed to recognize me. They grinned at me.

“Who are you?” I demanded, placing my dagger next to one of the male’s throats.

“We are you, you stupid bitch,” he spat as he laughed maniacally. “We are everything you could ever hope to be and more. It’s about time you got your slutty whore-ass back home.”

Oh. My. God. He was the second person to call me a whore in less than a week. This was not working for me. Like I told Cathy, I was many things, but whore was not one of them. He was not me. I was not like these things. I was a good person. I felt everything slip. My brain was racing and I needed to stop these monsters... forever.

Did my need to destroy them mean I was no different or no better than they were? My anger felt like fire inside me and I couldn’t see straight. Without thinking I let my body take over. I wiped the smiles right off of their familiar faces as I shredded their hearts with my silver dagger. This did not even begin to quench my rage. I kept picturing them mutilating and torturing the humans, and in my fury I made them explode... literally explode with Magic.

How in the hell did I do that?

I turned and saw two approaching Samuel from behind. No one fucked with my Samuel. Before I could react, they ripped Samuel’s right arm off. I aimed my throwing stars and took their heads off before they hurt him anymore. Samuel quickly turned and saluted me with his left hand.

“Goddamn, I’ve had that arm for over five hundred years,” he shouted, grinning from ear to ear, before taking off after two Rogues trying to escape. The severed heads of his attackers rolled back to my feet and mocked me with their golden eyes. I kicked them away in disgust.

Was I supposed to be one of them? Had Pam and The Kev saved me from this?

I lowered my head and went inside myself and something clicked. I did know these people. I could have been like them. These Vampyres were part Demon, like me. They did not have an Angel or a Fairy. I closed my eyes and let my spirit seep out of me and enter them. Their souls were black, desolate, cold and angry. This is what I could have been. There but for the grace of God go I.

As I let all my fears go, somehow I let my spirit enter these horrible things that were so similar but so different from me. Burning, acid pain shot through my body and I doubled over, grasping at the limestone floor. My fingers began to tingle as I absorbed the Magic trapped in the rock. An eerie calm washed over me, creeping through every part of my body, replacing the acid with a gentle warmth that filled me. I knew what I needed to do.

With every bit of strength I had left, I stood up and looked at the bloody carnage around me. Several Cressida House Vampyres lay dead among the mortals and Rogues. I pressed my wings and I raised my arms above my head. I screamed, and flung my arms out from my body. The pain was... Oh my God, burning and burning. I was blind, the pain in my head excruciating... and then I heard it. It was music to my ears. I tried to smile, but it was more like a grimace. The entire cave rumbled like thunder, and every Rogue Vampyre, dead or alive, exploded into a million little pieces.

Everyone froze and stared at me.

The Rogues did not deserve to live, but did I? It was over and I had ended it. I felt strangely empty and sad. Of course there was no one left to question, but that was probably better. They may have known things about me I didn’t want to learn. Maybe I just destroyed part of myself.

Shit... I wasn’t sure an immortal lifetime of therapy would be enough to get rid of these new revelations and images.

Samuel ran to me, wrapped his left arm around me, and laid a huge wet one on my cheek. His right one had already started growing back. Venus, Princess Lelia and Princess Raquel were right behind him. I was numb and in shock.

Where was Ethan... was he okay?

“That was the most amazing fucking thing I have ever seen in my long life. You are a freakin’ Terminator,” Lelia yelled as she group-hugged me and Samuel.

Raquel concurred, “Damn, I’m glad you’re on my team. You are a walking, talking death machine. I thought I was good, but you could kick my ass.”

“I never thought I’d hear that come out of your mouth. Ev-ah.” Lelia laughed at her sister and hugged me some more. “Are you okay, Astrid?” she asked.

“I am,” I told her. And I was okay. Tired, but okay.

I looked around at the carnage I’d caused and it shocked me, but I was fine with it. The dead Vampyres had begun to turn to dust. That was what we did when we died, within a half an hour after death a Vampyre’s body disintegrated to a fine powdery dust. I had kept the majority of my people safe. I had saved the humans. And I had destroyed the bad guy.

“Why is your calf bleeding? No weapon should be able to penetrate your shield,” Ethan said angrily. Everyone backed away from him. Everyone except me. He may be intimidating to some, but after what I had just done it would take a lot more than a pissed off Vampyre Prince to scare me.

“My shield was protecting you,” I replied evenly, not moving an inch.

“Did you know you couldn’t protect yourself if you extended your shield to someone else?” he demanded.

“Found out tonight,” I snarked, looking him straight in the eye. Everyone watched our exchange with fascination. They still couldn’t get over someone talking to their Prince like he was a person.

“You should have taken it back.” He pierced me with his eyes, waiting for my reply.

“I chose not to,” I said, walking away.

Shit, shit, shit, why did I say that? I may as well have said, I love you and wanted to protect you, or something equally as stupid like, Didn’t you know I’m attracted to things that hate me? Just ask my mother.

“Come back here,” Ethan said, “I’m not finished with you.”

“Oh yes you are,” I muttered, “and so am... ”

“Somebody help me. Please,” Heathcliff cried out from across the cave. Was he hurt? I’d be devastated if he died. I literally flew to him. It was Cathy. She had a silver dagger sticking out of her chest, but she wasn’t dead... yet. Heathcliff was bent over her holding her completely still. The tension in his body was palpable.

“Stand back,” Ethan commanded. We did.

“It hasn’t shredded her heart,” Heathcliff whispered. “If I can get her to the compound, they can save her.” His eyes never moved from his sister’s as he spoke and his body didn’t move a millimeter.

“If you move her she’ll die,” Lelia said quietly. “We could try to remove it here.”

“No,” Heathcliff was breaking. “You don’t have the Touch... you’ll kill her.”

“There’s no time to wait for someone with the Touch. She’s going to die,” Raquel said gently.

Cathy looked at Heathcliff with adoration. “I love you, my brother,” she whispered. “Tell Father that I love him too.” She smiled at him and he broke.

I had no idea what in the hell somebody with the Touch was. Some kind of Vampyre doctor? I watched Cathy and Heathcliff and I knew I had to do something. I was fairly sure I could get Cathy back to the compound without physically moving her and I could do it quickly. I moved in and squatted next to Heathcliff.

“I can transport with her. I’ll get her to the compound in less than thirty seconds and then the... um... Touch people can save her.”

“What if it doesn’t work?” Heathcliff was shaking.

“She’s going to die here anyway. Let me try.”

He looked down at his sister. Her eyes had closed. “Please try.”

“No,” Ethan said. “No, I won’t let you do it. You have never transported with anyone. It could kill you.”

“And?” I challenged him.

“I said no, I won’t let you do it.”

“You don’t ‘let’ me do anything. I do what I want, when I want. I want to save her, so that’s what I’m going to do. Besides, Your Highness, we are no longer mated so if I die it will not affect you. I would assume your life would be easier if I were not around. Can’t have any tainted Demon blood in the Royal Family.”

“Astrid.” Ethan approached me. He was not happy.

I pushed him back with Magic and everyone gasped.

“You are my mate and I am your Prince. You will not do this,” Ethan informed me.

I laughed. “I dissolved our mating. You are not the boss of me.”

I flung my arms out and Glitter Magic flew everywhere. I carefully curled myself around Cathy and we disappeared.

“What in the fuck was that about?” Princess Lelia yelled at her brother. “There’s no such thing as dissolving a mating.”

* * *

After Astrid disappeared, Ethan fell to his knees and began to pray.

Everyone around him froze and watched Ethan. If he didn’t die in the next thirty seconds, that meant she had made it safely back to The Cressida House.

“Twenty-seven, twenty-eight, twenty-nine, thirty,” Samuel counted, grinning. “Astrid did it!”

“Let’s go,” Ethan said.

Chapter Thirty-Two

Where in the hell was I? In some bizarre alternate universe?

Jewel-encrusted torches bathed a huge white marble hallway in golden light. The floor was so shiny it looked wet. Floor to ceiling murals of Demons and Angels and Cherubs adorned the walls, some bloody and violent, some beautiful and peaceful. I felt tiny. The molding on both the floor and ceiling was a thick, burnished gold. Whoever lived here had the big bucks.

Was I dead? Where did everybody go? Did I transport to the wrong place? Shit, where was Cathy? Did I kill her?

“Hello,” I called out tentatively. My voice echoed eerily though the grand hallway. “Is anyone here?” God, what a stupid question. Of course someone or something was here... the torches were lit. What if this was a trap or a test? And if I failed everyone I loved would die...

Whoa Nelly. I was totally freaking myself out. What in the hell did I have to be afraid of? I was a Vampyre for God’s sake. I was hopped up on a butt-load of Angel and Fairy blood, making me one screwed-up and moderately unstable magical force to be reckoned with.

But how could I be here? I could only transport to places I’d been before and I was fairly sure I’d never been here.

Oh my God, I was for real dead. I had to get out of here. I took off running at full speed down the marble hallway.

“Fuck,” I yelled, flying backward and landing hard after I ran face first into an invisible barrier. So much for no pain when you were dead. That hurt.

Maybe I wasn’t for real dead after all, or maybe I was on another planet, or maybe my Demon daddy was going to jump out and scare me into a coma...

Coma? Why did I say coma? Good God, I wasn’t making any sense. I was confusing myself and I needed to...

“Baby Girl?” a familiar voice called.

I froze. Now someone was screwing with my head. I sat up carefully. If I’d been human, the violent run-in with the barrier would have killed me or at the very least knocked me out. Being a Vampyre, I only had a headache. I slowly scooted across the floor on my bottom, plastered myself against the wall and stayed low.

“Baby Girl?” the voice called again.

I was either for real dead or insane.

“Astrid,” she said, “please say my name so I can come to you.”

“Nana?” I whispered, not trusting myself to speak louder. I was tingling with fear and anticipation.

A sparkling orb approached me, not unlike Glenda the Good Witch’s bubble in The Wizard of Oz. It floated down the hallway toward me, leaving what looked to be a glittery diamond dust in its wake. It might be coming to kill me or eat me, but it sure was pretty. Then it spoke.

“Hello, my Baby Girl,” the orb said.

“Nana, is that you?” I asked the orb, realizing that in talking back to it I had indeed taken the train to Crazytown, gotten off, and bought property.

“Oh hells bells,” the Nana Orb said. “I forgot to morph.”

What the fu... ? My Nana was a transparent glittery bubble ball that could morph? Dear God, was this what happened to people when they died?

“Nana,” I croaked, “can I help you?”

“No, sweetie,” she grunted. “Damn it to hell, I haven’t morphed in a while. I can’t quite remember how to do this.”

I watched in morbid fascination as the Nana Ball bounced and quivered like Jell-O, throwing off the most unusually gorgeous sparkles I’d ever seen. I realized with delight that I was covered in her iridescent glitter.

“Sweet Baby Jesus,” Nana yelled, “I think I’ve got it.”

I tried to back away, but the wall was solid. The Nana Ball... Orb... whatever... began to grow. Quickly. Nana was moaning and groaning. It sounded painful.

“Are you okay?” I panicked. I’d already been through Nana’s death once. I wasn’t going to be able to handle it again. Could a ball of light die?

“I’m good,” she grunted and began to take on human features.

It was Nana. I could smell her... freesia, lilies and brown sugar. I smelled like brown sugar too. If I could breathe, I’d be hyperventilating. I was staring at my Nana. No wait, I was staring at the thirty-five-ish year old version of my Nana, and she was gorgeous. She looked just like she had when I was a little girl. It was strange to be almost the same age as my Nana, but I wouldn’t have cared if she was a thirteen year old teenager.

“Nana?” I ached to touch her, but was terrified she’d disappear if I moved.

“Hi, Baby Girl.” Nana smiled and extended her arms to me. I was crying and shaking. Never ever did I think I would get to hold my Nana again. Loving her as much as I loved her made this moment absolutely perfect.

“I’ve missed you so much,” I blubbered.

“I know, Baby. Me too.” She held me tight.

“Am I for real dead?” I asked her. “Are you?”

“Well,” she laughed, “it depends on your definition of for real dead. I’m dead and you’re undead.”

“Does that mean we can be together?” I grasped her tighter. Please say yes. Please say yes.

“Only for a little while.” She gently unwrapped me from her body and took my hands. “Your time on Earth is not done yet. You still have so much to do.” She smiled and held my face in her hands.

“Where are we?”

“Heaven.”

“Oh my God.” I quickly slapped my hand over my mouth and waited for lightning to strike. Nothing.

Nana laughed and I got lightheaded. She was an Angel. She knew Pam...

“Nana,” I was excited, “come back with me. I know you can. You sent Pam to me. By the way, she has a filthy mouth.”

“She does, doesn’t she?” Nana smiled and shook her head. “I can’t go back with you. It’s not my time yet.”

“I don’t get it.” My eyes began to fill again.

“I’ve had several lives, little one,” she said as she played with my hair, smoothing it away from my face

“Have I?” I asked, snuggling closer. She smelled so good, it was impossible to get close enough.

“No honey, this is your first go-round.”

“How many lives have you had?” This was one of the weirder conversations I’d had, and I’d had plenty of weird lately.

“Two.” She took my hand and led me down the grand hallway to a very simple and quietly beautiful sitting room. Everything was white and cream and beige. At first glance it seemed boring, but it was definitely not. It was rich and soft and safe. The furniture was overstuffed and reminded me of puffy clouds. I could stay here forever.

She sat me on one of the puffy cloud couches and continued. “The first time I died was about a hundred and forty years ago, and the last time was about five months ago.” She watched me intently. She was trying to tell me something, but I had no idea what. I wanted to ask her, but the rules were different here. The air was thick with Magic and I knew in my gut there were more questions than answers in this place.

“If I’m here, where does everybody think I am?”

“Your body is on Earth. You are in a Heavenly form here,” Nana told me.

“But I’m me. I feel like me.” I ran my hands over my face and body.

“It’s hard to explain, but your Earthly body is at the Cressida House in a coma, and your Spiritual or Celestial body is here with me.”

My God, that’s why I was having coma thoughts. Ethan knew something bad would happen to me if I transported with somebody. I wonder if he felt smug about being right or if he missed me. “How is my other body still alive?”

I pressed the bridge of my nose trying to ward off the panic attack that was coming on. Nana could tell I was on the verge and gathered me close.

“You left a very small amount of your essence on Earth, but it won’t last long.”

“So that’s why I’m alive in two places?” This was nuts.

“That and the blood of your mate,” she replied.

I pulled back and looked away. Why couldn’t anybody get this straight? “I don’t have a mate,” I insisted, wrapping my arms around myself and staring at the floor.

“You do, my love,” Nana said. “Look at me, child.”

I did. God, she was beautiful. Uh oh... she had that look on her face. That look she got when I wouldn’t eat my broccoli. Or when I tried to sneak out of the house in a see-through top and a micro mini.

“He doesn’t want me.” I ran my hand through my hair and looked up defiantly. “I’m half Demon. Ethan hates Demons.” I turned away and tried to suppress my tears.

“You’re not a Demon.” Nana took my chin in her hand, forcing me to look at her. “Your father may be the King of the Demons, but you are immune to your Demonic tendencies. Why do you think I sent you Pam and The Kevin?”

“Nana, Ethan doesn’t care. He... ” This was so embarrassing, trying to explain to your dead grandmother why the person you did the nasty with hated you.

“Astrid.” Nana was firm, using that I will take no bullshit voice. “How long did it take you to come to terms with being a Vampyre?”

She waited. I said nothing. I wasn’t completely sure I had come to terms. She forged ahead.

“I recall listening in on a rant that referenced blood breath, weird bun heads and the smell of the old lady bathroom at the country club.”

“You heard that?” Lord help me, what else has she heard?

“Yes,” she smiled. “I rather enjoyed Pam’s confusion over the old lady bathroom thing.”

“Nana, what’s your point?”

“My point, Baby Girl, is that Ethan is over five hundred years old and has had horrific experiences with Demons. You didn’t give him a chance to catch his breath and come to grips with any of this.”

“He was an ass.” I was not backing down.

“Yes, he was... and trust me it’s not the last time he will be an ass, but he loves you. He tried to tell you and you ran away.”

“Nana,” I whispered, “I broke the mating.”

“And just how did you do that, my baby?” Nana put her hands on her hips and tilted her lovely head.

“I told him we were no longer mated, that I didn’t want him... that he was a mistake.” I felt ill.

“Hmmm,” Nana said, handing me a small glistening jewel that resembled an opal, “that’s all well and good, but it’s impossible to break a mating once it’s been consummated.”

She paused and looked pointedly at me. If I could still blush, I’d be purple.

“So Ethan is still my mate?” I felt giddy and elated and embarrassingly enough, horny. Gotta love my inner slut.

“Yes.” Nana’s eyes twinkled. “Ethan is still your mate.”

“Does he really love me?” I needed to know. It was so hard for me to trust that someone besides my Nana loved me. Thanks, Mom.

“Oh yes, my child, he loves you and will never stop. He would die for you.”

We were both quiet for a bit. There were so many things I wanted to ask her. I just kept staring at her, trying to memorize her. She was mine. My Nana. My Nana who was so kind and beautiful, and who smelled so delicious.

“Nana,” I blurted. I’d almost forgotten. “Did I save Cathy? Did she live?” Oh dear God, I hoped so.

“Yes love, you did. She will be fine.” Nana looked radiant and relieved. That was weird, She didn’t even know Cathy. “I’m so proud of you and I wish to thank you.”

How odd. Why would she thank...

Brown sugar. Oh. My. God. We all smelled like brown sugar. Me, Cathy, Heathcliff, Nana...

“Nana... ” I searched her face, looking for clues. Everything was making sense. She said her first life ended about 140 years ago. That would be just about right. “When you died the first time, did you have a family?”

“Yes, Baby Girl, I did.” She was excited. She knew I was close.

“Did you have a son and a daughter? Were you good friends with Emily Bronte? Should you be punished for saddling your children with names they could never live down?”

She was delighted and clapped her hands like a child. “I did and I was and I should. You are so smart, my love.”

It all made sense. The intense connection I felt with Heathcliff. The disastrous results when we tried to be romantic. My desire for Cathy to like me. My need to save her when she clearly hated me. We were blood related. I wasn’t exactly sure how. Siblings? Cousins? Nana was their mother and over a hundred years later she was my grandmother. I supposed that made them my aunt and uncle, many times removed? It didn’t matter. My family kept getting bigger and bigger.

“Can I tell them?” I asked her.

“They already know. Heathcliff searched your house for things that would comfort you or possibly bring you out of your coma, and came upon our pictures. When you see them again, I’d like you to tell them how very much I love them.”

“More than me?” I teased

“The same as you,” she laughed and caressed my face.

“So you looked the same back then?” This was mind blowing

“Yes, very similar,” she smiled.

“Are they upset?” This was crazy.

“Heathcliff is overjoyed. And Cathy, as you would expect, is wracked with guilt.” Nana took me into her arms. “Astrid, you need to go back.”

“Why?” I held her tighter. “I don’t want to leave you. I just got you back.”

“I will be in your life again, my child. All my cycles of life will involve you. You must go now. Ethan is dying.”

“What?” My stomach dropped and I felt dizzy. “He can’t die, he’s immortal.” I was in a full-on panic and started pacing the room. “He wasn’t injured during the battle. Did someone hurt him?” My voice was loud and shrill.

“No,” she said

“Then how? Why?” This could not be happening.

“He’s feeding you, Astrid. Mated Vampyres must drink from each other to live.”

“Yes... and?” I didn’t get it.

“He won’t drink from you because you’re in a coma. He just keeps feeding you his blood.”

“How long have I been in a coma?” I wasn’t sure I wanted to know.

“Two weeks,” she told me.

I tried to puzzle it out. “If he dies, then I die too.”

“In most cases that would be true, but not in this case.”

I stared at her, willing her to go on. My body was ice cold. Dread raced through me and I started to shake.

“Astrid, if a Vampyre dies while saving the life of his mate, the mate will live.”

I dropped to my knees and started rocking. “Have to go... I have to go. I have to leave. I love him, he’s mine. I have to go, Nana. Now.”

“Astrid.” She grabbed me by the shoulders and made me pay attention. “The stone I gave you will take you back to your body, but you will have to fight with everything you have to successfully rejoin the Earthly realm.”

“Is it possible?” I asked her.

“Look at me. Look at yourself. Anything is possible.” She stared deeply into my eyes. “Do you love him?”

“More than life itself,” I told her, scaring the shit out of myself realizing how true that was.

“Then go save him.”

I squeezed the stone, kissed my Nana and felt myself begin to fall. Faster and faster and faster.

Chapter Thirty-Three

“Has anything changed?” I heard Venus ask.

“No,” Ethan said flatly.

“My Liege,” Venus hesitated, “may I have permission to speak candidly?”

“No.”

“Please, Sire,” Venus waited. Long moments passed.

“As you wish,” he replied wearily.

“She would want you to feed from her. She would not want you to die. She lov... ”

“Stop,” Ethan harshly commanded. “I will do nothing that will harm her. I’ve done enough to hurt her already. Do you understand me?” His tone was clipped and frightening.

“Yes, Sire,” Venus quietly replied and left the room.

She’s right Ethan, I screamed inside my head. She’s right. Please drink from me. I love you. If you die, even if my physical body lives, the most important part of my soul will die with you. Somebody please hear me.

I could feel his eyes on me, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t open mine to return his gaze. This was the worst possible prison. I could hear everyone... everything. I knew I was lying in a bed in a brightly lit room. I could feel their stares and I could do nothing. I couldn’t move or speak. I couldn’t respond to their touch. I couldn’t utter a sound and I had no clue how to get back to myself. I caught faint traces of his scent and I could tell he was fading quickly from this world. Goddamn it. I needed to wake up.

* * *

There were people in the room, touching me, poking me.

“Don’t hurt her,” Ethan rasped.

“We won’t, Sire,” an unfamiliar male voice said. “I’m afraid there’s little we can do for her. The Touch does not seem to be affecting her. We’ve never seen anything like this.”

“Vampyres shouldn’t be able to transport,” a female voice muttered disapprovingly.

Ethan’s voice was as cold as ice, and I felt the other Vampyre’s fear vibrate through the room. “You can do nothing?”

There was silence. They were no longer touching me.

“Get out,” Ethan roared.

I could feel him pacing, I could sense his anxiety and his weakening spirit. Why couldn’t he feel me? He was a mind reader for God’s sake. I used to have to force him to get out of my head. Nana said this wasn’t impossible, but I didn’t know what to do.

He gathered me into his arms. It was so warm and right. I knew his lips were on my forehead and I felt a dampness on my cheeks. Were those his tears? Oh God, please help me. Please. I smelled his blood as he slit his wrist and put it to my lips.

I tried so hard. I didn’t know what I did to get back to him, but it didn’t matter. I did it, and Ethan would be okay. I slowly reached up and pulled his lips to my neck. His body tensed. His beautiful eyes went green and his fangs descended. He smelled like Christmas and autumn air and life. I forced him into me. His fangs pierced me and ripped my skin like paper. My blood gushed into his mouth. His hands rediscovered my body and a ravenous hunger consumed me. He touched me, my face, my breasts, my hips, my stomach. I arched up against him, my body begged for more. Nothing had ever felt so good in my life. So right, so sweet, so hot, so delicious. I just kept swallowing and swallowing and swallowing...

Oh God, I hadn’t moved at all. I was still trapped inside my useless body. He wasn’t drinking my blood.

I was drinking his.

* * *

“Ethan this is madness.” Heathcliff was angry. The room was filled with emotion... sadness, anger, regret, love... and I was still an immobile waste.

“You don’t understand.” Ethan sounded broken.

“No, I don’t,” Heathcliff snapped. His frustration was evident. “But I do know she won’t want to live without you.”

“How do you know that?” Ethan demanded, his anger felt like an inferno in the room. “She told me I was a mistake,” he choked out.

God, I was an idiot. Why in the hell did I say that? When I went for the jugular, I really went for the jugular.

“Clearly you have no concept of how women think.” Heathcliff stood his ground.

“And you do?”

“Better than you,” Heathcliff challenged. “She didn’t mean any of that. You rejected her. She spent her whole life being rejected by her mother. She was just protecting herself.”

“And that’s supposed to make me feel better... how?”

“I’m telling you she didn’t mean any of that. Women are unstable and prone to unreasonable emotional outbursts. They don’t mean half of the nonsense they say,” Heathcliff blustered.

Oh, he did not just say that. My cousin or brother or uncle or whatever the hell Heathcliff was just took a dive off of the conversation cliff into the pit of he needed to get his ass kicked. Once I got out of my stupid coma, I was going to kick his ass into the next century. It was no wonder he didn’t have a girlfriend, dimples or no dimples.

“Do you know this for certain?” Ethan sounded doubtful. Was he buying that crap? Wait, I wanted him to buy that crap and drink from me. As much as I would never ever admit it, Heathcliff was kind of right, but I was still going to kick his butt until he couldn’t sit for a week.

“Yes,” Heathcliff insisted. “There is tons of literature on this. I’ve read it myself.”

“You do realize,” Ethan said slowly, “that you sound like an ass?”

“Yes,” Heathcliff sighed, embarrassed and defeated. “Yes, I do. I’m sorry... I just can’t let you die. So many people need you. Astrid needs you. I know in my soul that she loves you and will be devastated if you die.”

Go Heathcliff! I cheered inside my head. If you get him to drink, I’ll forget about all that male chauvinist bullshit you just spouted. Ethan, please listen to him. Please. Bite me, bite me, bite me...

“Have you ever loved someone so much that your own existence is of little or no consequence?”

Heathcliff didn’t answer. Ethan went on.

“I have conquered countries, civilizations, species... worlds. I have riches beyond the imagination, and the respect and fear of hundreds of thousands. It means nothing.” Ethan’s voice was flat and growing weaker. “Until she became mine, I was alone. I have been without love for over five hundred years. Many times during those years I thought I was happy, but I didn’t really know what that meant until Astrid turned my world upside down. I never knew what it felt like to be whole. She made me feel alive, like a man... not some untouchable prince. And I fucked that up.”

“Astrid made the choice to transport with Cathy,” Heathcliff said.

“I know,” Ethan sighed. “I just can’t help but think the chain of events would have been completely different if I hadn’t been so stupid and shortsighted.”

“That’s ridiculous,” Heathcliff interjected. “Astrid is strong. Now that we know of the blood relation, there is no doubt in my mind that she would have done the same thing again.”

“Maybe, maybe not.” Ethan was unsure.

Oh for God’s sake. Ethan was an ass, an egotistical ass. He had some gall to think if we’d been all lovey-dovey that I wouldn’t have saved Cathy. Men were idiots. God, get me out of this coma so I can feed him and then slap him silly.

“Heathcliff, I have never been afraid of anything... ever. I’m afraid I will hurt her if I drink from her. I simply cannot take that chance. If... ” he paused. “No... when she wakes... if she still wants me, then and only then will I take from her.”

“I understand, my Prince,” Heathcliff sounded defeated. “I really do.”

* * *

“I couldn’t get him to leave,” The Kev told someone.

“What the fuck?” Pam shouted. “You are a two thousand year old Fairy and you can’t get a five hundred year old Vampyre that you trained to leave the room?”

Pam was pissed like I’d never heard. She also sounded... nervous?

“I don’t understand why it’s such a big deal,” Gemma yelled at Pam.

Gemma had certainly grown some big balls, yelling at Pam like that. Maybe the Fairy Queen thing comes with a fantastic right hook or a death wish that leads to yelling at an Angel.

“Oh my God.” Ethan was astonished.

“Shut. Up,” Pam ground out at him. “Don’t you say a word.”

“But... ” he sputtered.

“Not a fucking word,” she bellowed at him. “You are not supposed to be here. I gave specific instructions that no one was to be in here when I arrived.”

“Does he know you’re... ?” Ethan tried again.

“What part of ‘not a fucking word’ do you not understand?” Pam was not a happy camper. Why was she so angry at Ethan? “Do you want me to try to save her?” she demanded.

“Yes,” Ethan begged.

“Can you keep a secret?” She stared hard at him.

“If I have to,” he replied. “What are you?”

“I’m a fucking Angel with a foul mouth and a bad attitude. As much as I love you, and I do, I am not happy to see you right now. If you tell him anything about this, I will take you over my knee and beat your butt raw. I don’t care if you’re the ruler of the universe. Do you hear me, boy?” Pam shouted.

Was she talking to Ethan or was someone else in the room? Pam couldn’t possibly be speaking to Ethan like that. Could she?

Damn it, why couldn’t I wake up?

“Pam, calm down. Yelling at him will not help,” The Kev told her. “He is heartbroken and practically dead.”

“For God’s sake, Ethan, bite her,” Pam exploded. “I will not sit here and watch either one of you die. That would put me in a very bad mood. You don’t want to see me in a bad mood.”

“Holy crap, this is a good mood?” Gemma muttered under her breath. The Kev laughed.

“I heard that, you little wannabe Fairy Queen. Don’t you even think that I won’t kick your pretty little ass,” Pam growled and then refocused on Ethan. “You will drink from her. NOW.”

“I will not.” Ethan was cold and unmovable.

Come on, Pam. If anyone could scare someone into doing something, it was Pam. Clearly she knew him from somewhere. Maybe she and The Kev could physically force him. His bloodlust must be making him weak and needy. Shit, no one could force him to do anything. The Kev couldn’t even get him to leave the room.

“I tell you what, you are on my last nerve, young man,” Pam informed him.

“You said it would be complicated... ” Ethan said.

Pam cut him off, “I said complicated, not over before it got started. So buck up and shut up. I’ve got work to do.”

I felt Ethan relax for the first time in days. That made me happy. Magic began to fill the room. A warmth seeped into my toes and began to travel inch by inch up my body. The dull feeling of pins and needles started to pulse through my arms and legs, but I still couldn’t open my eyes or move my body.

“Astrid.” Pam was focused on me like a laser, “You have to fight. Come back, child.”

Oh shit, Pam had called me Astrid instead of Assface or Asscrack. This was serious. I was trying and praying. I was making deals with God and Buddha and all the Saints. I even threw Santa in.

The Kev and Gemma began to chant in a language I didn’t understand. It was beautiful and melodic. I was floating into the music. It was misty and cloudy and a little ominous, but I knew I needed to be there. I was calling to them inside my head. Why couldn’t they hear me? Then the pain started. Oh God... bad, burning, vicious pain.

“Listen to me, Astrid.” I focused on Pam’s voice. The more they chanted, the more excruciating it got, ripping through me, like daggers dipped in fire.

“Do not retreat,” she ground out. “It will hurt like hell, but you have to walk through it.” Pam was pissed. “If you don’t walk through it, he will die and you will be stuck in this Limbo you’re in right now. I know you can hear me. Walk out. NOW.”

In my mind, I put one foot in front of the other and walked barefoot across the burning coals. I clutched the stone Nana had given me so tightly I felt it cutting into my hand. It began to heat up. I tried to drop it, but it had molded itself to my skin. My body began to shake and convulse.

“Hold her,” Pam yelled to Ethan. His strong arms engulfed me as I kept walking through the living hell inside my head.

It would be so much easier to just die. This was too hard. I could die and go back to Nana. Wait, Pam said I would be stuck here and Ethan would die. My life sucked right now. Oh God, I couldn’t move... hurt so bad. Please let me die...

“I love you, my Angel,” Ethan whispered in my ear. “Come back to me. I’m no good without you. I’ll make you so happy. I promise.”

Pam joined the chant. I could feel my body, my real body, jerking and spasming. Ethan held me tightly as Magic whipped through the room bouncing off the walls and creating sounds resembling thunder.

I was close. I was so close. I pulled my ravaged body up and dragged myself toward an opening. I couldn’t quite see it, but I knew it was there. My palms and knees were shredded from crawling through shards of jagged glass and I couldn’t stop shaking. It was only a few more feet. I loved him so much... I could do this. I had to do this.

I gasped and moaned. I was raw and cold, so very cold. Scents overwhelmed me and cocooned me in a safe blanket at the same time. I smelled The Kev, Gemma and Pam, but most importantly I could smell Ethan. My love and my life. The reason I fought so hard to come back.

I slowly opened my eyes and there he was. I would never get used to how breathtaking he was. He had dark circles under his eyes and looked gaunt, but somehow it only enhanced his beauty. He reverently touched my face. Total adoration shone from his gorgeous golden eyes.

I still felt a bit like I was underwater as my lips curled into a smile. Pam, The Kev and Gemma surrounded us.

“I am so proud of you, baby,” Pam said and gently stroked my cheek.

The Kev and Gemma leaned in and kissed me. I smiled my thanks. I loved my family so very much. I could feel Ethan’s impatience—he did not want to share. The feeling was mutual.

I reached up and wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him towards me. I pressed my lips to his ear. “I love you Ethan, now bite me already!”

He laughed with joy and then he did. Nothing had ever felt so good as his fangs in my neck.

Pam stared at Ethan and he looked up at her as he drank. She pointed at him and mouthed, Not a word. He nodded his head and my magical family disappeared in a breeze of Glitter Dust.

“I’ve missed you, Angel. Will you forgive me?” Ethan’s voice was like a caress on my skin. His power and essence ran through me as mine ran through him. He was my other half and I wanted it no other way.

“I’ll forgive you, if you’ll forgive me,” I said, running my fingertips over his beautiful face.

His eyes sparkled as he lowered his lips to mine and made me forget my name. Finally, everything was all right with my world.

Chapter Thirty-Four

I opened my eyes, looked around the room and giggled. Vamps. Vamps everywhere. The mood in the room was light and airy. Happy and relaxed. My fellow Elite Guards were draped over couches, watching TV, sitting around a table playing games. Who knew Vampyres were obsessed with board games? They were playing Clue, but from their posture and faces you’d have thought it was a high stakes poker game. I remembered playing Clue repeatedly after a tonsillectomy when I was ten. Nana had been the best sport ever, but these guys had taken Clue to a whole new level.

Samuel looked very serious. I already knew from experience he was a bad loser. His arm had grown back completely. He named his new appendage Astrid in honor of my beheading the two Rogues who’d removed it. I felt honored... I think. Somebody Samuel’s age should know better, but a bad loser is a bad loser. Period. David, Luke and Heathcliff seemed to be having more fun, although they eyed each other warily and kept Colonel Mustard in the kitchen with the rope close to their chests. Ethan sat in a chair across the room and watched me. I was bundled up in his big beautiful bed. Venus sat nearby flipping through catalogs and fashion magazines and Paris sat at her feet painting her toe nails.

I shot a look to Ethan and he winked at me. Oh help me, Jesus, my stomach got tingly and dropped to my toes. That man reeked of power and sex and he was mine. Mine, mine, mine. I was so tempted to fly across the room and tackle him that I had to grip the bed sheets to keep myself still. I could tell by the smirk on his lips and the green of his eyes that he knew exactly what I was thinking and very much approved. I had a bone to pick with my mate, but it had to wait until we were alone. The commotion at the game table knocked me out of my sexual stupor.

“You’re cheating,” David yelled at Samuel.

“How in the fuck do you cheat at Clue?” Samuel shouted back, slamming his cards down on the table. Heathcliff was laughing and Luke backed away, completely aware that Samuel and David were about to dance and it was going to get ugly.

“You looked at my cards, you bastard,” David accused Samuel, as if he’d stolen national security secrets, not just peeked to see if Miss Scarlet did it in the library with the gun.

“You’re full of shit,” Samuel bellowed back. “You’re just a pathetic player. No skill, no finesse.”

“Take that back, you son of a bitch,” David hissed at Samuel. “I have skill and finesse.”

Oh my God, they were such girls. Skill? Finesse? For Clue? These Vampyres had too much time on their hands. Both men stood up, knocking their chairs over and circling each other menacingly.

“Enough!” Ethan told them, moving between them. “If you insist on behaving like children, I shall treat you like children. You two,” he indicated Samuel and David “can go outside and beat the hell out of each other. If you destroy my suite or, more importantly, disturb my mate, I will beat the hell out of you.” Everyone froze. Out of pure spite he joyously added, “And I will destroy the Clue game.”

All four grown male Vampyres groaned like eight year olds. This was awesome. I filed the knowledge away for future blackmail use. I was sure he would beat them soundly if he thought they had upset me. As flattering as that may be, I just wanted a bit of peace and no injured friends for a little while. I didn’t want any more appendages named after me.

I was so tickled by how dorky all these hot sexy Vampyres were, I didn’t even notice the suite had gone silent and all eyes were on me.

“What?’ I asked Venus.

“Oooklay at the Ooorday.” she said, confusing the hell out of me.

Seriously, did she really just tell me to look at the door in Pig Latin? The cool factor of these gorgeous Vampyres was diminishing rapidly. I looked at the door and my gut clenched. It was Cathy and a man... a very handsome man... with the kindest eyes I’d ever seen. He was smiling at me and although I’d never seen him before, I knew him at once.

Heathcliff crossed over to his father, took his hand and began to lead him over to me. Cathy followed about five steps behind, her head hung low and her steps timid. She was breaking my heart. I was amazed at how much she looked like Nana. How had I not noticed it before?

“Stop,” Ethan commanded. “I don’t want her around my mate.” He pointed at Cathy. Everyone in the room tensed.

God... , talk about humiliation. “No, Ethan,” I said. “It’s okay. I want to see her.”

Ethan’s anger radiated out from him, bouncing off the walls of the room. Occasionally I was reminded that Ethan was like the President, Prime Minister and Pope all rolled into one. This was one of those times. I quickly moved to him and gently rubbed his arms and chest.

“It’s okay, baby,” I whispered. “You don’t really mean that. Cathy has been loyal to you for over a hundred years. She won’t hurt me.” I put my arms around him to calm him down.

Cathy stepped forward and Ethan’s entire body stiffened under my hands. The suite was drenched in his power and anger. “Don’t take another step,” he whipped out at Cathy between clenched teeth.

She gasped and I could have sworn Heathcliff growled. Sometimes I forgot that Vampyres were very deadly creatures. We were not human, and human emotions and ethics did not fit us very well.

“I understand your anger and reticence, my Liege,” Cathy said quietly. “I deserve it, but I have come to beg forgiveness and humble myself to the Chosen One. To Astrid. I stand in shame of my behavior and request punishment equal to my digressions.”

She dropped to her knees and went prostrate before us.

Ethan turned to Heathcliff. “I will not leave her alone with Astrid.”

Heathcliff looked down. “As you wish, Your Majesty.”

This was ridiculous. “Ethan, for God’s sake, she’s my sister, cousin, aunt two times removed or something like that. I know in my gut this is fine. I’d like some privacy with her, because I have a few things I’d like to say.”

Ethan was torn. I think he also knew that Cathy would not try to hurt me, but he didn’t usually reverse decisions after he made them. He’d also never had a mate before who could withhold panty privileges if she didn’t get her way.

“Please,” I smiled and opened my mind to him. I gave him a glimpse of all the things I would let him do to me and all the things I wanted to do to him. He smiled and looked at me with such heat in his eyes I came close to telling everybody to leave the room.

“Fine,” Ethan conceded, giving me a look that implied he expected me to make good on all the visuals he’d just seen. I winked at him and he laughed. He was breathtaking when he laughed. Venus raised her eyebrows in shock and Samuel gave me a thumbs up, but I should have known my Vampyre stud wasn’t finished. “You will wear your shield in her presence,” he said. “Heathcliff, you and Sir James will stay in the room. If one hair on her head is mussed, I will destroy all of you. Understood?”

“Understood,” Heathcliff replied stiffly.

Talk about overprotective. I didn’t dare utter a word, fearing something snarky or smart aleck would fly out of my mouth and he would change his mind. He stared at me and waited. I touched my chest and activated my shield. Ethan seemed satisfied.

Everyone exited the suite, including a reluctant Ethan. I was left alone... with my family.

We all stared at each other. Now that we were alone, we didn’t know what to say. It was strange and uncomfortable. It started slowly and no one could stop it as we began to laugh. At first it was that nervous, oh my God, I’m laughing at a funeral kind of laughter, then it morphed into joy. All the pent-up emotions and fear and excitement bubbled out, exploding into giddy laughter. Heathcliff, Sir James and I laughed until tears ran from our eyes. It was a perfect moment. Everyone laughed. Everyone except Cathy. Oh for God’s sake, enough of this ‘poor pathetic me’ shit.

“Get up,” I said to Cathy. She did. I circled her and she watched me with wary eyes.

“I would expect that you would want me banished,” she began defensively.

“Then you don’t know me at all.” I cut her off and watched her squirm. “Try again,” I challenged her.

She was so unsure. I wanted to help her out, but from past experience I was very aware of her pride. I waited for her to make the next move. I was not going to fix it for her.

She looked lost as she spoke. “I’m... grateful to you for saving my life and I beg your forgiveness. I am devastated about what happened to you.” I watched her carefully. She was sincere.

“I’m not,” I said, walking toward her and removing my shield.

“What?” She backed away from me.

“Stand still,” I hissed. She did. “I’m not sorry. I’m not sorry about any of it. Not sorry about saving you and not sorry about what happened after, because I got to see my Nana, your mother. She was so proud of me. Proud of me for saving you.”

They all froze and watched me and waited. Cathy was trembling. I thought they knew I had seen Nana, but their reactions proved otherwise. A myriad of emotions washed across all three of their faces, longing the most prevalent.

“Did she say anything?” Heathcliff was ashen and his voice was shaky. He looked like a child, insecure and desperately missing his mother. I realized, with great sadness, I’d gotten to have her many more years than they had. “Any message for us?” he whispered.

“Oh yes.” I smiled at my friend. “She told me to tell you how very much she loves you all.” God, it felt good to tell them that.

Cathy fell back to the ground and rocked back and forth as tears streamed from her eyes. Heathcliff wrapped his arms around her and wept with her. Sir James approached me. He radiated power and kindness and love. He extended his hands to me, I took them and a soothing warmth began to creep through my body.

His eyes sparkled with unshed tears. “Is she coming back?” he asked.

“She said it wasn’t her time yet.” I could feel my own tears escape and spill down my cheeks.

“Oh,” Sir James said. A look of profound pain and disappointment crossed his beautiful face. He quickly looked away and regrouped. I had never realized that one short word could convey so very much. My heart tore for him, and for Heathcliff and Cathy... and for me. It was very clear how much this man and his children loved my Nana.

Sir James looked up at me and smiled. “We have waited many years for you, Astrid.” He gently touched my face. “What a beautiful gift to have the Chosen One be part of our family. Part of the mother of my children. Part of the woman I have loved for over a century.”

“I’m not technically related to you.” I was devastated. I wanted this man to be my grandfather. I wanted him to be mine.

“Oh,” he chuckled, “you most certainly are. I was married to your Nana. She and I were connected on unexplainable levels. What is of her blood is mine and what is of my blood is hers. You are as much mine as if I sired you myself, dear child.”

I threw myself into his arms, practically knocking him to the ground. Damn, I’ve gotta watch that. Who in the hell knew that turning into a Blood Sucking Creature of the Night would be the best thing that happened to me.

“Astrid,” he said, “there is much I know about the Chosen One’s path. I believe I can help you understand yourself better. I also would greatly love to hear about everything from your perspective,” he said. His dimples were identical to Heathcliff’s. “We will sit together soon and educate one another.”

“I would like that very much, Sir James,” I said, relieved that somebody knew something about this Chosen One crap.

“Astrid, my child, what would you like from your sister? Or would it be cousin or possibly aunt?” He pondered the options. “Let’s just say sister and leave it at that.” I nodded and he continued. “What would you like from your sister in exchange for saving her life?” Sir James, my new grandpa, kindly asked. His beautiful blue eyes that were so much like Heathcliff’s searched my face.

“Nothing,” I told him truthfully.

“Ahh, I thought you might say that,” he chuckled. “There must be something. The Prince is angry, and rightly so, due to my daughter’s abhorrent behavior toward you. He will want a penance paid. I do believe it would be better if you chose that penance rather than him.”

“You’re right,” I said, worried about what Ethan would do on his own. “I suppose if I had to choose something—I would choose for Cathy to like me.” I watched her as I spoke. She looked up quickly and almost knocked heads with Heathcliff. She was so surprised that I giggled, and miracle of all miracles, she did too. “It’s what I’ve always wanted even before I knew we were blood related.”

“Oh my sweet child, blood related is such a clinical term,” Sir James chuckled and caressed my cheek. “We are family.”

He folded me into his arms. It felt like heaven. Heathcliff stood and joined the embrace followed very slowly and very tentatively by Cathy. It was a beginning. A good beginning.

Chapter Thirty-Five

I knew he would be angry with me if I left, but I was angry with him. I’d been stuck in his suite for three days. It was a very nice suite, but stuck is stuck. No one would let me do anything. At first it was lovely, but now I was going batshit crazy. I was not the kind of person who did boredom well. I may be disorganized and somewhat directionless, but I was not lazy. Besides, I felt great. I was getting claustrophobic and that bastard had been avoiding me. Yesterday he muttered some lame excuse about it being too difficult to be near me because he wanted me so badly and was afraid of hurting me. Utter bullshit. I knew why he was running scared. He’d had some kind of past relationship with Pam and they’d rekindled it.

I couldn’t believe they’d do that to me. Actually, I didn’t believe they’d do that to me. There was no way. I knew I was being ridiculous, but I didn’t care. There was something between them, but it didn’t seem sexual. I was sure he was avoiding me because Pam made him promise not to say anything and he knew I’d wheedle it out of him. I was just pissy and bored and horny and lonely. It was a bad combination. Bad.

To make matters worse, the King seemed to be losing it. Ever since I’d come out of the coma, he’d been wandering around the compound looking for someone. He muttered constantly to himself and had a hard time focusing. Princess Lelia and Princess Raquel kept him under constant watch. They were worried. Ethan seemed worried too. Hell, everyone was worried around here. Ethan had a nifty way of handling it. He avoided his father as well as me.

I missed my baby Demons, my shampoo, my pillow, my sweat pants and my sparkly Converse. Never in my life did I think I’d complain about wearing Prada twenty-four seven. A fine lesson in ‘beware of what you wish for’. I wanted to be sloppy and comfy. I was jonesing for my old faded sweatshirts and my lime green Converse with some tight black Hard Tail sweats and a scrunchy.

Happily for me, tons of sweet little baby Demons lived on the ceilings of the Cressida House. They sang and danced and beat the snot out of each other to entertain me, but they weren’t my babies. I needed Rachel, Ross, Beyonce and Honest Abe. I missed them terribly and they were probably worried sick about me. I needed to go home, even if it was just for a little while. Maybe I could just disappear for a couple of hours.

I ran around the suite and tried to find my shoes. As much as I missed my tennis shoes, the silver Prada platforms I’d been wearing were hot. Where in the hell were they? I crawled under the bed and searched.

“Astrid?” a child called.

“Shit,” I yelped, nailing my head on the bedframe. Damn, was I bleeding? What was it with me and bedframes? Moreover, what the hell was it with people not knocking before they entered a room?

“Oh my God, are you okay?” she asked.

“I’m fine,” I snapped, ready to rip the kid a new one. “I’d be a hell of a lot better if you could get some manners and knock on the ... ” Oh dear God, it was Paris.

I quickly switched my tone before she started rolling around on the floor and freaking out. We needed to do something about that. “I’m fine, sweetie,” I tried to convince a mortified Paris. “What do you need?” I attempted to hide the gash on my forehead.

“Are you bleeding?” she whimpered.

“Nope,” I lied.

“Yes you are!” She dropped to a squat.

Oh shit, I didn’t have time for this. I needed to get out of here. “Paris, if you roll around on the floor, I will kick your ass. Do you understand me?”

“Yes,” she said, “but your head... ”

“Will heal. I’m a Vampyre. Now, what I need,” I explained, “is for you to crawl under the bed and get my shoes. I’m too big.”

“Done.” She got happy again. It didn’t take much. “Oh,” she yelled from under the bed, “I’m supposed to tell you that Brad Pitt called. The skanky one,” she clarified as if I wouldn’t know. “He said it was no problem to reschedule your mother’s memorial for tomorrow night.” She got out from under the bed and held my pretty shoes out to me. “And that he and Angelina got a big kick out of your accent.”

“Dude, you’re still yelling,” I winced.

“Oh, sorry.”

I ran my hands through my hair and took my shoes from her. “For God’s sake, I didn’t even call him,” I muttered.

“Then who did?” she asked.

“Hell if I know,” I sighed. “Maybe Gemma, but she doesn’t have an accent. Anyway, Brad and Angelina know her.” This whole Brad thing made my stomach queasy. Vampyres were not supposed to get queasy. I had a sick feeling that my mother was screwing with me. How in the hell could that be? I saw her get eaten for God’s sake. Pretty hard to mistake your mother getting eaten by Demons while your grotesque Demon King daddy stood by and watched.

“Would you like me to... ?” Paris stopped, embarrassed.

“Would I like you to what?” Hell, I wanted to get out of here. I loved Paris, but I wanted to leave and I couldn’t disappear with her in the room. As loyal as she was to me, she was far more so to Ethan. She’d tattle on me so fast.

“Would you like me to go with you to the memorial tomorrow night?” She resembled a beaten dog, ready to be rejected.

“Of course I would.” I looked at my beautiful and bizarre little Vampyre friend and I realized I did want her there. I wanted all of my Vampyre friends and family there. I knew that they all wouldn’t be able to come because many had to be on patrol. More Rogues kept showing up and wreaking havoc. I was itching to get out and patrol again. I asked Samuel and Venus if the new Rogues resembled me, but every time I even started talking shop they changed the subject. They spouted some bullshit about me needing rest... blah, blah, blah.

“Yes, Paris, I want you to come. That would make me happy.”

“Okay, great.” She smiled like I’d given her one hundred million dollars. It made me sick to think of the way I’d treated her initially. I’d dismissed her because she was a freak. God certainly has a way of kicking you in the ass with irony. Who was the bigger freak now? Let me think. Hmm... that would have to be me.

“Wait a minute little missy, shouldn’t you be teaching my art class now?” I raised my eyebrows giving her an imitation of my scary Ethan look.

“Whoops,” she laughed and started for the door. Clearly I lacked authority if my replacement thinks my scary look is funny and going to work is optional.

“Paris, wait,” I said. She turned back at the doorway of the suite. “Have Martha and Jane been causing trouble?” I asked.

“Every day.”

“Holy shit, are you okay?” I gasped, imagining all the hateful things they could have said. “I’ll kill them if they hurt you.”

Paris looked absolutely delighted by my violent protective streak. “Oh no, Astrid, they’re fine. I like them.”

“Good God, you do?” I was shocked. How could anyone like those hateful old cows? God bless them.

“Yep, they’re not so bad. Plus their conservative Republican rants amuse me.”

“You’re a better woman than me,” I grinned. Paris giggled, hugged me and left.

I pondered Paris’ affection for the old ladies for a moment and decided very little made sense to me anymore. I pulled my pretty platforms on and flung my arms out, spraying the room with Glitter Magic, and disappeared.

* * *

Their little bodies wiggled like excited puppies. They yipped, squealed, licked and kissed me. I tickled their fat Demon bellies and fed them breeze after breeze of Glitter Magic. They all chattered at once in their little high-pitched Munchkin voices. Oh my God, I loved them.

After about fifteen minutes of utter ballistic chaos, they wore themselves out. They were lying in a panting heap on my bed. My small cozy bed in my small cozy house. I was so happy to be home, even if it was for a short while. I gathered their now calm little Demon bodies to my chest and cuddled them.

“I missed you guys so much,” I cooed.

I realized Honest Abe was playing with my boob. That just wasn’t working for me. I plucked him off my girls, set him up on my shoulder and told him “No, no.”

I supposed I’d have to rethink his sexuality. Maybe he was more bisexual than homosexual. Wait—why in the hell was I concerned about Honest Abe’s sexual preference? I had more important questions for my Demons. I’d been curious about a couple of things for a while and today was as good a day as any to get some answers.

“Um... Beyonce... ” I started with her, figuring she’d be the most forthright. “What exactly do you guys eat?”

“Pizza,” she informed me.

“Really?” I was so surprised.

“No,” she screamed and began to laugh hysterically. Rachel, Ross and Honest Abe followed suit. They were laughing so hard I thought they’d throw up.

What in the hell was so funny? I tried again. “Oookay, clearly it’s not pizza.” I gave them the eyeball and they calmed down. “Do you drink blood?”

“Sometimes,” Honest Abe said, inching back towards my boob. I plucked him back up and put him on my head.

I tried to grab Rachel, but she ran behind my knee. I settled for Ross. “Ross, do you eat animals?”

“Nooooo, Mommy, Ross no eat animals,” he giggled. “Ross looooves animals. No eat. No eat.”

Dear God please let the answer to this next one be no. “Do you eat people?” Please God, no. Please God, no.

“No, Mommy,” Ross guffawed. “People too chewy!” He was laughing so hard he stopped breathing and started to turn purple. I smacked him on his little Demon back. He sputtered, coughed and thanked me. Unfortunately from his answer, I assumed he’d tried a person or two in his time. They were being vague about their culinary preferences. I needed a new approach.

“What if I guess?” I challenged them. They jumped up and down, grinning and clapping their hands. I took that as a go. “Okay, if you don’t eat animals or pizza or... um... .people, thank you Jesus, do you eat vegetables?”

“No,” they chorused.

“Fruit?” I asked.

“No.”

“Potato chips?”

“No,” they screamed, laughing.

“Meat?”

“Yessssss,” my babies hissed.

“Wait, if you don’t eat animals or people, what kind of meat do you eat?” I was confused and alarmed. What other kind of meat was there? “Do you mean fish?”

“No! Meat, meat, meat,” they chanted and ran all over my bed, slapping each other and giggling. Honest Abe kept getting dangerously close to my boobs and I kept flicking him away. He thought that was hilarious and kept trying.

“Good God, Honest Abe. You cannot play with my breasts. That’s not appropriate. Do you understand?” I had him by the scruff of the neck. “What’s gotten into you?”

He looked sheepish. “Me go to Big Sean’s Booby Bungalow when Mommy was gone. Me love boobies!” he shouted with glee.

“Boobies, boobies, boobies,” they all sang and kept rolling around on my bed.

Holy shit, my babies were going to strip clubs? I was gone for a week or two and they turned to pornography? Absolutely unacceptable. They weren’t old enough to... wait a second.

“How old are you?” I demanded.

“Ninety-two,” Honest Abe grinned.

“Me eighty-seven,” Beyonce yelled.

“Me sixty-eight,” Rachel piped in.

“Me fifteen thousand and three,” Ross volunteered. What? I was speechless. He was older than Jesus. Literally. “Just joking, Mommy! Me seventy!” He was delighted with his little Velcro self.

“Fine,” I muttered, “I guess you guys are old enough to go to a titty bar, but I don’t like it. I find them offensive to women and totally skeevy. I’d prefer you do something more constructive with your free time.”

I was going to use this as a teachable moment. Big Sean’s Booby Bungalow? I’d never even heard of that one. The only two I knew of were out on the highway, Bare Assets and The Bowling Green Bush Company. I do have to admit that Big Sean came up with the best name.

“Don’t be mad, Mommy. We eat there,” Rachel informed me.

“You eat strippers?” I gasped. “I thought people were too chewy.”

“Not strippers Mommy, we eat the bad things that love strippers,” Beyonce chimed in.

“And that would be?” I held my nonexistent breath. Please don’t say drunk men or participants of bachelor parties.

“Bad Demons,” they screeched.

“Holy shit, you eat Demons?” That was disgusting. I felt myself gag remembering the lovely display at my mother’s house.

“Only the bad ones, Mommy,” Ross threw over his shoulder as he started doing a kind of West Side Story “Dance at the Gym” number on my pillow.

I sat up on my bed and pressed my fingers to the bridge of my nose, trying to ward off the migraine headed my way. I was worried sick that my babies were going to get themselves killed. There had to be something else they liked to eat besides Bad Demons. How could that even taste good?

“How can you tell a Bad Demon from a Good Demon?” I was getting panicked.

“Silly Mommy,” Honest Abe yelled. “It’s easy! We are Good Demons and your daddy is a Bad Demon.”

“Yummy,” Rachel hooted, “I want to eat Mommy’s daddy.”

“Noooo.” Beyonce punched her. “I want to eat Mommy’s daddy.” An all-out brawl involving the four of them ensued over who got to eat my daddy.

“Enough,” I shouted. They froze. “First of all, my daddy is the most butt-ass ugly, smelly and disgusting thing I’ve ever laid eyes on. I can’t imagine anyone wanting to eat him. On the flip side, he’s large. I would imagine there’s... um... enough of him for you guys to share.” I felt my gag reflex kick in. They smiled and appeared to be satisfied by the compromise.

“Is Big Sean’s Booby Bungalow the only place to find Bad Demons?” I asked.

“No,” Ross was still dancing. “Jails and car dealerships are good too, Mommy.” Ross walked up my arm and onto my chest. “Mommy, Bad Demons are everywhere. They keep coming through the Squish Hole and we eat them.”

“Too many come,” Rachel added, as she tried to braid Ross’ Velcro. “Lately hard to eat soooo many Bad Demons.”

“How many can you eat?” Why did I continue to ask questions I didn’t want to know the answers to?

“Yesterday me eat twenty-seven,” Beyonce informed me proudly, slapping her belly.

Wow, I had nothing to say to that. Nothing. I was tempted to ask what a Squish Hole was, but I was pretty sure I had that one figured out. It had to be a Portal between Earth and Hell. If it was something else... I didn’t want to know.

I stood up and started tossing them back up to my ceiling. “I’m going to take a really long hot shower and try to wash this conversation off of me.” They thought that was hilarious. “Look at me,” I told them sternly. They did. “I love you and I will be devastated if anything happens to you. I want you to be careful when you dine. You got it?”

“Got it, Mommy,” my babies screeched. “We love you too!” They pummeled each other for a few minutes and then disappeared. I shook my head and made my way to the shower.

Chapter Thirty-Six

Oh my God, it felt so good to be clean using my own fabulous bath products. Not to be a snob, but as much money as those Vamps had, they had some sub-par bath paraphernalia. Although Venus had some good stuff, Ethan definitely did not. I’d just bring mine back with me.

Who in the hell had called Brad Pitt? Maybe it was Gemma. Where were they anyway? Gemma, The Kev and Pam were nowhere to be found. I’d be sick if they were gone for good. On top of missing them desperately, how was I supposed to eat? I’d still not drunk from a mortal—it just didn’t appeal to me. I knew I could drink from Ethan. Thinking about that made my knees go weak and my imagination go wild. Thank goodness I wasn’t hungry. I was feeling a bit nauseous. I supposed it was a hangover from my coma.

I sighed, dropped my towel and went digging through my drawers for some comfy clothes. I needed to get back to the Cressida House before I was missed. That could be a real shit storm. I had every right to leave, but I knew Ethan would be angry. Not because I left, but because I didn’t tell him or take an army of armed guards. I was head over heels, no turning back madly in love with Ethan. I knew I didn’t want to exist without him, but he was not the boss of me. I still needed to be able to run my own life. God knew I could defend myself. I could just scream and blow everything to smithereens.

Grinning, I grabbed a pair of tight black pants that I knew would drive him insane, but first I slipped on a barely there thong. I paired it with a whisper pink raw silk camisole that did very nice things for my very nice breasts, and then I added a rockin’ pair of Prada wedges. He was going to stop ignoring me in a big way.

I threw a bag on my bed and started loading it with Converse, vintage T-shirts, my favorite jeans, a couple of Juicy sweat suits, some gold sequined Uggs and several really pretty tops from Anthropologie. I grabbed my flip flops, some colorful summer skirts, and a teddy bear that Nana had given me when I was eight. Soon I was zipped up and ready to go. I knew I shouldn’t transport with a suitcase after what happened with Cathy. I’d drive back. God help me, I was going to get my ass kicked when they realized what I’d done, but I needed to see my babies. I wondered if I could get them to come back to the Cressida House with me.

“Rachel, Ross, Beyonce, Honest Abe?” I called. “Do you guys want to go on a field trip?” No answer. “Guys? What if I promise to introduce you to my dad sometime?”

“Who are you talking to?” a British woman asked.

What the fu... ? British woman? I whipped around and was standing three feet from the big blonde Amazon who had turned me into a Vampyre. “Shit,” I screeched. I slammed my body up against the wall, touched my chest and protected myself with my shield.

She laughed lightly and made her way to my vanity. She sat down and began rummaging through my nail polish. “So, how have you been?” she asked, smiling at me while she pocketed my favorite Chanel Gold Lame polish.

Was she kidding? That Amazon did not just steal a thirty dollar bottle of nail polish, did she?

Yes... yes, she did.

“What exactly do you mean?” I was very calm. “How have I been? Hmm, let me see... you turned me into a Blood Sucking Creature of the Night and left me for dead. That was awfully friendly of you and now you show up with some fakey British accent that you didn’t have the last time and start stealing my shit.”

“Oh, you saw that?” She was trying to play it off. Wasn’t working.

“Who are you and what are you doing here?” I demanded. “Oh, and by the way, you can take my nail polish out of your pocket and put it back.”

“I can see you’re a bit upset.” She stood up with my nail polish still tucked firmly in her pocket. “I’ll come back another time.” She went to leave.

“Oh no, you don’t” I snapped. “Sit your Amazon ass back down. You’re going to answer some questions.”

She paused and examined me. I shivered. Something wasn’t right with her. It was unnerving. “Aren’t you a feisty one? I’d heard you were a dish rag and rather worthless.”

What the fu... ? Dish rag, my ass. I was so done with being insulted by dead people. “I don’t know where you got your info, Blondie... ”

“Julie,” she interrupted.

I half expected her name to be Olga or Svetlana. “Oookay Julie. Clearly your informant was gravely mistaken and quite possibly a stupid dummy.”

Crap, that sounded kind of middle school. Please tell me I didn’t just say ‘stupid dummy’.

“Clearly,” she smirked, “definitely a stupid dummy.”

“Well, um... okay. Who is your informant?”

“My mother,” she calmly informed me, eyeing my Chanel Vamp and Dragon polish bottles.

No fucking way. I quickly crossed the room and removed all of my expensive polish, leaving her all the cheap shit to pilfer. “Your mother?” I questioned as I tossed about three hundred dollars’ worth of nail polish into my little suitcase.

“And yours,” she gave me a creepy smile.

“My what?” I didn’t like the way this was headed. If this were a bad B movie, she’d tell me I was her sister and then she’d kill me. Wait... she had already killed me.

“Our mother, Astrid,” she giggled. “We’re sisters.”

Jerry Springer, here I come. “Back the fuck up, Blon... I mean, Julie. Explain.”

She smiled condescendingly and heaved a sigh as if I was mentally challenged. “Our mother, also known as stupid dummy, has lived several lives and had children each time.”

“You’re kidding.” I felt a little sick.

“Do I look like I’m kidding?” She raised her very attractive eyebrows and waited.

“No.” I felt defeated. “How many lives has she had?”

“A few.”

“How many brothers and sisters do we have?” I asked.

“Several.”

“Are we all Vampyres?” This was nuts.

“Mostly.”

“Could you be any more annoyingly vague?” I was about over her.

“Possibly,” she giggled again.

I closed my eyes, and tried desperately to ignore the reality of my life. Could it get any stranger? The answer was no. At least I hoped it was.

“It was you,” I gasped, figuring out the Brad Pitt mystery. “You called Brad Pitt.”

“Yes, Astrid, that was me.” She rolled her eyes at how long it took me to figure that one out. God, she really was a bitch.

“Wait,” I started laughing, “do you go around setting up memorials for her every time she dies?”

“Something like that,” she replied, looking bored.

I stared at her. We looked nothing alike. We had to have different fathers. Of course we did. Didn’t we? “How old are you?” I asked. She was eyeing my perfume.

“Older than you,” she said, spritzing herself with the expensive bottle.

“You can’t have that,” I told her, “it’s mine.” Was I twelve?

“Fine,” she huffed, “if you’re not going to share, I’m leaving.” She stood up and went for the door.

“I’m not done with you.”

“Too bad, Astrid.” She was so smug. “I’ll see you at Mother’s memorial tomorrow night. Perhaps you’ll be more agreeable.”

With that, she walked out of my room and left my house, with my nail polish in her pocket. She was a total bitch, had answered none of my questions, and had stolen my stuff. She was so going to pay for that.

Chapter Thirty-Seven

Driving back was stressful. I still felt sick. I heaved a huge sigh and tried to stop the storm of thoughts racing through my mind. I was glad I could tolerate sunlight as I watched the gorgeous Kentucky sunset rip through the sky. The blazing pinks and purples were in striking contrast with the huge orange sun that dipped lower and lower by the minute.

I had hoped to get back to the Cressida House before everyone woke up for the evening, but my unexpected guest had delayed me. Julie had pissed me off, but she had also scared me. I didn’t want her in my life at all. Please God, let her move on after the memorial. I already had a sister. Cathy was my sort-of sister, and one pain in the ass difficult sibling was all I could handle.

I pulled up the manicured, tree lined drive of the Cressida House and was ushered straight through the guard gate. The Vamps on duty shook their heads in either disgust or pity when they saw it was me. Whatever it was, it didn’t bode well. As I approached the manor house my stomach dropped. So much for getting back before my absence was noticed. I had a welcoming committee. Let me see, I spied Venus, Samuel, Heathcliff, Luke, David, Raquel, Lelia and a very unhappy Ethan.

Shit.

“Hey guys,” I yelled, getting out of my junky car. I should buy a new one, but cars cost a lot of... Wait, I just inherited forty million dollars. I could buy a stinkin’ fleet of cars. No one had returned my greeting. I tried again. Louder. “Hey friends, are you all going somewhere?” Volume always worked for Pam. Everyone looked slightly confused. It was working.

“It’s a great night for a ... um... a run or... you know... a bonfire. Actually, fires are not our friend... being Vampyres and all... ”

“Enough, Astrid,” Ethan said quietly. Way too quietly. I shut up. “Where have you been?”

“I went home.”

“This is your home now, Astrid,” he replied tersely.

“No, Ethan,” I countered, “it’s not. I don’t have a room here or any of my stuff. The mailman, the police, amazon.com and my newspaper delivery guy all think I live at 333 Montavesta Road, so... ”

“Astrid, come with me,” Ethan cut me off, took my arm and my suitcase and led me into the Cressida House. Venus winked as I passed which made me feel a little bit better, but Heathcliff shook his head like an older brother might when his little sister had done something really stupid. Why was it stupid that I wanted to go home? Did becoming a Vampyre mean I had joined some undead cult and couldn’t be trusted on my own?

We walked silently through the mansion. After we’d crossed through the Grand Foyer and walked up the curved marble staircase, we stood in front of the intricately carved teak doors of the elevator and waited. It was difficult for me to get accustomed to the opulence of this place. I was used to a much simpler life. I stole glances at Ethan through lowered lashes. God, even angry he was the sexiest man I’d ever laid eyes on. I knew we were about to have it out, but all I wanted to do was strip him and tackle him.

Why couldn’t I read minds? It was so unfair. I wanted to know what he was thinking. Clearly he was not pleased that I’d left, but had he noticed my butt in the tight black pants or how my camisole hugged my breasts just right? Or how just thinking about all this was making me dangerously horny?

Ethan led me into his suite, shut the door and began to pace the room. His power filled the large room making it small. “This is our suite.” His eyes bored into me. “You are mine and this is where we stay when we are in Kentucky.”

“You wait one minute,” I shot back, getting louder and louder with each word that flew from my mouth. “I am not some possession you own or can control. You may run everything else, but you will never, ever control me. I am the boss of me. Not you!”

Was I suicidal? Yes. Yelling at the Prince of the North American Dominion was a big Vampyre no-no, but he was pissing me off big time. Maybe I would talk to him later when he wasn’t being such a primitive jackass.

He grabbed me and hauled me up against his chest. He pinned my arms behind my back as I shrieked my displeasure. My breasts were planted firmly against him. I felt my nipples tighten and moisture pool between my legs. My inner slut was betraying me once again. Why on earth I was getting so turned on by his he-man behavior was beyond me.

“Let go of me,” I hissed, trying to escape the steel bands of his arms.

“Not a chance, my love.” His lips were inches from my ear and his voice sent shivers through me. “You are definitely mine and I am yours,” he whispered. “You may not be my possession, but I plan to possess you. Every inch of you, for the rest of your very long life.”

His lips brushed my ear and I started to tremble. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do,” I shuddered as his lips made a hot trail from my earlobe to the corner of my mouth.

“I think you know exactly what to do,” he replied lazily, nipping at my bottom lip.

“I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know what’s expected of me. What you expect of me. What I expect of myself... ” I trailed off and tried not to cry. I had a sick feeling in my stomach. Everything I was saying was so true. “I don’t know how to be with you. It’s too complicated,” I whispered and started to cry.

“Shhhh,” Ethan tangled his free hand into my hair. “It’s not complicated. You have to let me love you, give me a little bit of yourself. Trust me.”

“But I... ”

He drove his point home, crushing his lips against my mouth, and pressing his body to mine. Trust him? Give myself to him? I couldn’t even think straight. Actually, he might be right. Damn him. I struggled and successfully freed one arm, fully intending to deck him. My arm had a different idea. I pulled him closer and let my lips part under his assault. A growl of pure male pleasure escaped from him as he drove his tongue into my mouth.

I bit at his lips and tangled my tongue with his. All of my fear and anger and confusion from the last month came rushing out of me. I wanted to devour him the same way he was devouring me. It was aggressive, bordering on violent. We were spiraling out of control. Hard, fast and angry.

“Just so you know,” Ethan groaned, digging his strong hands into my hips, “I noticed the pants and the top.” He pressed himself against me and I could feel his appreciation for my efforts. His fangs scraped my neck and my knees gave way. All chances for coherent thinking were gone. I couldn’t remember my name, much less why I didn’t want to strip him naked. His scent and his taste and the feel of his body against mine overwhelmed me.

I clawed at his clothes. “Make them go away,” I demanded

“With pleasure,” his voice was ragged with desire. My body pined for him. It took everything I had not to throw myself at him while he slowly disrobed.

“You’re a tease,” I hissed impatiently.

“Patience is a virtue,” he chuckled and went slower.

“Not one of mine,” I said, ripping at his clothes.

His body was glorious. Strong and muscular and deadly. Muscles that would take a lifetime to achieve. I couldn’t believe he was mine. I ran my hands over his deliciously broad shoulders and his perfectly muscular arms. The light sprinkling of blonde chest hair tickled my fingertips and sent chills through my body. I followed the hair down his body where it tapered to his ripped abdomen and led to my prize, his huge cock that was very happy for the attention and as hard as a rock. I knew how he would feel inside of me and I wanted it. Now. He was my drug of choice.

His eyes smoldered with desire as he watched me like a predator watches prey. This was my game and he waited to see what I would do next. So I stepped back and marveled at his body. He kept his hands at his sides and waited. His muscles rippled under my fingertips and his body shuddered as I lightly ran my nails over his erection.

I wrapped my hands around him and sank to my knees. The hard heavy length of him jerked in my hands and his head dropped back to his shoulders. He was perfection, hard as steel, yet as smooth as satin. My eyes blazed green and my fangs descended. They stayed locked on his as I flicked my tongue out and circled the swollen head of his shaft. He groaned and twined his fingers into my hair, pushing my hot, wet mouth further down the hard length of him. I scraped him with my fangs as he forced himself as deep as I would take him.

I worried for a brief moment that my inexperience might turn him off, but the sounds coming from deep within his body allayed my fears. The feel of him in my mouth was electrifying. His taste, his scent and moans made me dizzy with power. He was intoxicating. Having him completely in my control was as much of a turn on as having him deep inside of me. I gripped his hips and relaxed my throat, taking more of him into me.

No longer concerned if I was doing it right, I followed my instincts and the movements of his body. Going down on him was hotter than I ever could have imagined. He made the sexiest sounds I’d ever heard and a hot warmth shot to my core. He tangled his hands roughly in my hair spurring me to move faster up and down the length of him.

“Angel, stop,” he hissed. It made a popping sound as he pulled himself from my mouth. I could still taste him on my tongue and lips as he dragged me up his body, shredding my camisole and sexy black pants in his frenzy.

“I need to come inside you,” he growled and moved to my breasts. His teeth, his lips and his tongue on my nipples were making me see Jesus. He was relentless, scraping my breasts with his fangs and driving me to a whimpering mess.

I cried out as he pierced my left breast. My back arched, my body jerked, and I screamed as I raked my nails down his back. A fiery orgasm shot violently through me as I kept screaming. As he drank from me, mini orgasms wracked my body. I shook like I was naked in a snowstorm, but the opposite was true. My skin and my insides blazed with a heat I’d never felt. This man could kill me with sex without even fucking me.

He moved down my body, leaving my swollen and sensitive breasts. His tongue made tight circles along my stomach and he moved lower. I was unable to move or speak. I felt limp and weak and fragile after the mind-blowing orgasm I’d just had, but he was nowhere near done. He laughed at my moans of protest and went after what he wanted.

To own me completely.

His tongue manipulated me with expertise and deadly precision. My hips rocked. I lifted my body closer to his mouth, begging for more. I gasped and moaned as he licked and nipped. Tears streamed from my eyes as he took my sex into his mouth and bit down.

The roaring in my ears was deafening. I jerked and convulsed as he held my body open to his hunger. I couldn’t take much more.

He rode out my orgasm with his head buried between my legs and his fingers teasing me mercilessly, taking every bit of me into his mouth. Claiming me like no one ever had or ever would.

“I love you, Angel,” he said, studying my face.

“I love you too,” I whispered, still shaking with aftershocks.

“I need to hear you scream again, Angel,” he said with an evil, sexy smile. “I’m going to fuck you now until we accomplish that.”

Oh. My. God. My limp rag of a body woke up immediately. The way he spoke to me was obscene and I loved it. He placed my hands on the evidence of his desire and positioned himself to reach his goal. He slowly entered me, making me feel complete. I closed my eyes and let myself feel.

“Watch me when I fuck you,” Ethan demanded.

So I did. Riding a roller coaster of emotions, I watched his face while he entered my body. I didn’t think anything could be more intimate than our bodies joining. I couldn’t have been more incorrect. I felt open, vulnerable and near tears. His eyes blazed with need as he impaled my body with his. It was perfect.

With a forceful thrust he buried himself completely inside of me. My body tightened around his and I gasped. The sheer girth of him stretched me to my limits. He rocked into me slow and steady, but my writhing beneath him invited a much rougher pace. He accepted my invitation and pounded into me with a force and speed that would have killed a mortal woman. I wasn’t mortal and I met every thrust with joyful abandon.

He growled his approval and I felt my world start to unravel. The spiral of my orgasm swallowed me like a volcano. I gripped him with my body and bit into his neck at the same time he pierced mine. As our essences mixed, shockwaves raced through my body and shudders rocked his.

I could feel my Magic and his power intertwining to become something entirely and uniquely its own. At the most basic level, intimacy with Ethan was changing who I was. This man made me better, stronger, sexier, happier. Our joining wasn’t just sex—it was life changing and something I could no longer live without. He was necessary. He was right. I was his.

I rode the crest of multiple orgasms as we continued to make love to each other with inhuman speed.

“Mine,” he ground out.

“Yes, yours,” I gasped. I gripped his shoulders as I felt him grow larger inside of me.

“Again,” he growled.

“I’m yours.”

My world detonated around me in breathtaking color. His body tensed and he roared as he came.

He was right. I was his, and he was mine.

Forever.

Chapter Thirty-Eight

“You’ve ruined me,” I giggled, lightly running my fingertips along his collarbone.

“Back at ya, Angel,” Ethan chuckled, pulling my exhausted, happy, naked body closer to his. He smoothed my hair from my face and looked deeply into my eyes. “I need you to understand something.” He was very serious.

“Yes,” I said slowly, gearing up to get pissed off.

“There’s a bounty on your head,” he said in a flat disgusted voice.

Oookay, not even close to what I expected him to say. I was expecting some kind of ‘I’m the man and you’re the woman. You have to stay put when I say so’ garbage, not ‘Somebody put up some money so a whole bunch of people will want to kill you.’

I tried to sit up, but he pulled me closer and held me still.

“The Rogues have put a bounty on you. They want retribution for you killing a large number of them in the caves. They want you alive, but as long as they physically have your head, they could bring you back as a full Demon.”

“How much?”

“Ten million.”

I was stunned. At least I wasn’t cheap. “That is the most fucked up thing I have ever heard. You can make a Demon from someone’s head?” My queasiness was back full throttle.

“Not just anyone’s head,” Ethan said, gently rubbing my back, “the head of someone who has Demon blood.”

“That’s just fantastic,” I muttered, pressing on the bridge of my nose. The migraine that had been toying with me for two weeks was about to make good on its threat.

Ethan put his big hand under my chin and raised my face so our eyes met. God, he was pretty. “That is why I was so upset you left without telling anyone. I’ve almost lost you entirely too many times this week.” He ran his hands through his hair and pressed his lips to my forehead. “I don’t want you leaving the compound until we get to the bottom of who placed the bounty.”

“Oh my God.” I sat up. “My mother’s memorial is tomorrow night. I have to be there.” My hands were now in my hair. “What if I take Guards and... wear my shield and... blow any Rogues I see into pieces... ” My brain was racing. “My big blonde klepto Vampyre sister will be there and I want you to meet her. I have no idea how to get hold of her and you have to thank her for turning me into a Vampyre. I promise I’ll just kill anybody who causes problems.”

“Angel,” Ethan laughed and shook his head, “that would make you very conspicuous in front of the mortals.” He closed his eyes for a moment. “This would require an extraordinary amount of trancing on our part if anything were to go wrong. Not to mention you could end up headless.” He shook his head. “Can we postpone it?” he asked.

“Again?” I shrieked. “Nothing will go wrong. Please, I need to get this done. I want it over. I need to be there. Please.”

As Ethan thought, he absentmindedly ran his thumbs over my knuckles. “Is the memorial in a contained building?” he asked. I nodded. “I suppose if we surround the place. I’ll send a number of us in as guests and the Elite Guard will stand watch outside.” I hugged him hard. “But Astrid, that’s it. You have to promise me that apart from the memorial, you will stay on the compound until we have this under control.”

“I promise.” I curled into him, loving the way his skin felt against mine. “Ethan?”

“Yes?” he was wary.

“About Pam... ” I started.

“No,” he cut me off and tried to get out of the bed.

I quickly straddled him and pinned his arms over his head. He could get away if he wanted, but he was very happy with this position. Quite honestly, I was too.

“What if I guess?” I asked, pushing my breasts to his lips.

“Have you ever heard of fighting fair?” he laughed, freeing himself from my grip and cupping my bottom with both hands.

“Nope,” I grinned. “Can I guess? I love guessing. Will you tell me if I’m right?”

I wiggled my bottom and he squeezed me tighter.

“Try,” he challenged.

Alrighty then, how did Ethan know Pam? I knew it wasn’t sexual, but she did say she loved him. Was she a former girlfriend? No... that didn’t feel right. She threatened to beat his butt raw. That was just weird and rude, even for Pam. She swore at him the way she would with someone she cared a great deal about. She was thrown the first time she saw the pink diamond on my finger.

Holy hell... no way. The King had been wandering around the palace like a zombie looking for someone. He sensed her presence. Nana was the only other Angel I knew and she was connected to the Vampyres in a former life. Did that mean my Angel, Pam was connected to the Vampyres in a former life also? I believe it did.

“She’s the Queen,” I told him. I saw surprise flash across his face and he started to grin. I grew more confident. I knew it, I was right! “She’s Queen Paloma, the woman who raised you. The woman your father has been waiting on for centuries.” Damn, my entire life was one big jigsaw puzzle. Everyone was somehow connected to everyone. “Do you think she’s come back to stay?”

“I don’t know,” Ethan sighed. “That’s why I’m avoiding my father. I don’t think I have the strength to keep this from him, but he knows she was here and it’s killing him. He’s just not functioning well and everyone is confused and worried.”

I laid my head on his chest. “Do you want me to tell him the truth?”

“No, Pam made me promise,” he reminded me, clearly frustrated.

“Yes,” I agreed, “but she didn’t make me promise... ”

Ethan’s body tensed. He rolled me over onto my back and loomed over me. His grin grew wide. “She didn’t, did she?”

* * *

It was good to tell him. He had a right to know and I had a strong feeling Pam approved. I just wish I knew where the hell she and The Kev and Gemma were.

“Thank you,” the King whispered, his beautiful eyes glittered with tears. “I knew she was here.”

“Your Majesty.”

“Father,” he corrected me.

“Father,” I said shyly. “I don’t know if she’s staying.”

“Oh my child.” He was so serene. “She is back. She’ll come to me when she is able.” He held my hands and glowed with joy. “Her work is not done, but it will be soon.”

“How do you know?”

“I feel it here.” He touched his heart and smiled. “She is the love of my life and you, my child, my Chosen One, have brought her back to me. You have saved me.”

Oh my God, maybe that was it. Maybe my purpose was to reunite the King with his Queen. Was that how I was to save him? It seemed too simple. I was positive I’d have to take out a few Vamps and Demons. This would certainly have been a hell of a lot easier. Having a bounty on my head was not my idea of a good time, but if all I had to do to save the King was go find Pam’s sorry ass, things were looking up.

Being alone with the King was lovely. His suite was beautiful. Very colorful, eclectic and comfortable, just like him. Ethan didn’t want to be anywhere near this conversation. That way his promise to Pam would remain unbroken.

“Astrid, I will be with you at the memorial tomorrow night. Venus, Paris, Cathy, Sir James, Samuel and I will be your guests and twenty of the Elite Guard, including Ethan will be outside surrounding the building.”

“Are you sure you’ll be safe?”

“Yes, my child,” the King chuckled. “I’m probably safer with you than I am with anyone else.”

I was shocked. “Sire... um, I mean... Father, I fear you give me too much credit.”

“You really have no idea how powerful you are, do you?” He began to pace the room. “Astrid, you are the Chosen One. Your Magic and skills far outweigh the most gifted Vampyre and the most evil Demon.” He stopped and I could swear he peered into my soul. “You may not have control of it yet, but it’s all there. I can feel it.”

Shit, he was serious. I certainly hoped whoever was in charge knew what they were doing when they saddled me with this Chosen One crap, because I would have chosen someone else. Anyone else.

“Ah, Sir James,” the King acknowledged his dear friend, “come in and join us.” I looked at my de facto father and grandfather and giggled. They looked like they could be my brothers. My mate was older than my grandpa. I had entered a whole new world of strange.

“Astrid,” Sir James smiled and led me to a lovely chocolate brown velvet couch, “there are several things I think you should know.” He looked pointedly at the King. The King nodded gravely and took a seat next to me.

Sir James took my hand. “Astrid, the Chosen One has been blessed with many gifts, physically and magically.” He paused. I waited. “There is one gift we cannot comprehend.” He just stared at me.

“Well, if you guys don’t understand it, I’m sure I’d have no clue,” I laughed uncomfortably.

“How have you been feeling, child?” the King asked. I noticed a book in his hands.

“Okay, I suppose. I’ve been a bit headachy and nauseous.”

The two men exchanged a smile.

“That makes you happy?” I was confused.

“Oh yes, Vampyres never get sick.” The King clasped his hands together like a child. “Yes, so very happy.”

“This is wonderful,” Sir James muttered, paging quickly through the book that the King had been holding.

I held these men in high esteem and had grown to love them in a very short period of time, but I was starting to question their sanity. Their glee over my headaches and nausea was a bit upsetting. The King was practically doing a jig and Sir James was becoming frantic as he paged through his book.

“Got it,” Sir James yelled. He slammed the page against his chest, hiding it from my view while the King knelt at my feet.

I knew their excitement should alarm me, but they were behaving like two little boys on Christmas morning. I started laughing. “What is going on?” The King was bouncing and Sir James was biting his nails. I’d never seen Vampyres act so human.

“What we are going to show you mustn’t leave this room,” Sir James whispered.

“You can’t tell Ethan yet, though you will want to,” the King said, trying to contain himself. “If you tell him, he will lock you in a room and throw away the key.” Sir James nodded in agreement. “You must put what we are about to tell you into your mind and then shield it completely, so even Ethan can’t see it. Not yet.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Most of the information we have on the Chosen One is through pictures, not text,” Sir James explained. “Some of it was drawn before written language existed.”

“How long have Vampyres been around?” This was all news to me.

“Since the dawn of time,” he said. “There is a picture we want to show you.” His eyes were twinkling. “Not many of our kind have seen this. It’s been held back so we would be able to very accurately recognize the true Chosen One.”

“It may scare you,” the King chimed in, still bouncing, “but we do think you’ll be happy.”

“Well, you guys certainly seem to be,” I muttered, beginning to get nervous.

“Many things that seem impossible are not,” Sir James said. “Until recently you had no knowledge of Vampyres or Demons or Angels or Fairies. Correct?”

“Correct,” I answered.

“You, my child, are the Light in our Darkness. Your Vampyre and Demon heritage is your Darkness and your blood and compatibility with Angels and Fairies is your Light. You are very different from us. You embody impossibility becoming reality.” He seemed about to burst. I felt a bizarre wave of dizziness come over me.

“Sir James, Your Majesty,” I said.

“Call me Father.”

“Call me Grandpa.” They spoke simultaneously.

“Oookay, Father and Grandpa.” I did like the way that sounded. “No disrespect, but could you please get to your point? You’re freaking me out and I’m feeling dizzy and nauseous.”

“That’s fantastic,” the King shouted, jumping to his feet and hugging Sir James.

I gave him the eyeball and he quickly reigned himself in. Good God, you’d think they were about to reveal the Second Coming.

“Wait,” I stopped them. They looked at me expectantly. “I don’t want to keep anything from Ethan. It’s wrong.”

“If you want to attend the memorial, then wait until afterward to tell him,” Sir James said.

Finally I nodded.

Slowly Sir James turned the book around and showed me a picture. A beautiful picture. A picture that would change my life. Forever. I gasped and my eyes filled with tears. I looked at both of these men who watched me with adoring eyes.

“Is that true?” I whispered.

“Yes, my darling child, it’s very true,” the King said.

It was too much. The room began to spin and I grabbed the hands of my father and grandfather. They both held me lovingly as my world faded to black.

Chapter Thirty-Nine

“If you’re going to strap daggers to your thigh, I would recommend a dress with a full skirt.” Venus dropped the pile of clothes she was carrying onto my bed.

“But if I need to fight, pants would make more sense,” I countered.

“True... but where would you put your knives?”

I considered my options. “If I wear ankle boots, I could carry two there, and if I wear some kind of jacket, I can strap a smaller sword and a gun to my back.” That could work. “I could also carry some throwing stars in my pocket.”

“Just don’t hug anyone,” Venus laughed.

“Or go through a metal detector,” Gemma added, appearing from out of nowhere in a gust of Fairy Glitter.

“Gemma,” I shouted, tackling her in a hug. “Where have you been?”

“I’ve been close by,” she grinned and hugged me hard.

Did she just run her hands over my stomach? I quickly glanced at her to see if she knew, but she was busy hugging Venus.

“Is Pam or The Kev with you?” I asked, grabbing her hand and pulling her down on the bed.

“No, I haven’t seen Pam in several days. The Kev and I have been to the Fairy Royal Court. I’ve been presented,” she giggled.

“Like a Deb?” I laughed. “Did you wear a white dress and go to a ball?”

“No, actually I got sent back here to break the fourth Mortal String, whatever the hell that turns out to be,” she sighed.

“No one would tell you?” Venus asked.

“No one knows,” she replied. “Although from everyone’s attitude, and let me just tell you some of those Fairies have ‘tudes, it seems like it will be freakin’ awful.” Gemma absentmindedly hummed ‘Wanna be Startin’ Somethin’ as she played with my hair.

“God, I’ve missed you. So much has happened while you were gone,” I said, wondering how much she might know. I watched her closely. She didn’t appear to be in on my secret. Damn, I wanted to talk to someone about it, but I gave my word to the King and Sir James. I had hoped that as a Fairy, Gemma would sense it. I really thought she knew when she touched my stomach.

“I want to be with you tonight at the memorial.” She squeezed my hand. “Venus, do you think anyone would mind if I stayed here at the Cressida House for a few days?”

“Hell no,” Venus plopped down on the bed with us. “There are guest suites or you can have a slumber party in my room. Of course it won’t be quite as fancy as the Prince’s quarters that Little Miss Astrid now occupies,” she laughed.

“Speaking of the Prince, where is Ethan?” Gemma asked.

“He left before I got up to scout out the memorial site,” I told her, examining the pile of clothes. “I’ve been thinking... ”

“Oh, Lord help us,” Venus groaned and Gemma laughed.

I punched her in the arm and continued, “I’ve been thinking that I’d like to give Paris my Nana’s house and give my house to Old Charlie and Niecey from my art class. Paris told me they’re getting married and need a bigger place.”

“Paris Hilton?” Gemma asked.

“Yep, I think she’d be happy there.”

“So you’ll live... ?” Venus teased.

“Where ever Ethan does.” I stuck my tongue out at her and she snorted.

“So you’ve given in... finally.” Venus giggled. She jumped off the bed with Vampyre speed to avoid my right hook headed her way.

“I think it’s beautiful. He loves you completely.” Gemma hugged me again and started humming ‘Ben’.

“I love him too. For better or worse, I love him. Completely.”

“Oooo, Astrid’s got it bad,” Venus sang as she pulled different outfits out of bags for me to try on.

“Nope,” I grinned, “Astrid’s got it good! Now help me pick out something to wear to the god-awful shindig we have to go to.”

* * *

“You are exquisite.” Ethan gave me an irresistible grin, taking in my fitted black Prada pants, the tailored white low-cut blouse made from a beautiful soft Egyptian cotton and the stunning jade green Armani raw silk jacket. I was determined to expand the Vampyres’ Prada wearing obsession. He took both of my hands in his. “I want to be very clear with you Astrid, I’m not happy about you leaving the compound. You will be careful.”

Why did I find his primitive he-man stuff so sexy? What was wrong with me?

“If there is even a hint of trouble, you will transport back to the Cressida House. We’ll have the place surrounded, but we don’t know how much Magic the Rogues are capable of.”

“It will be fine,” I assured him, touching his chest. I was unable to keep my hands off of him. I wanted to remind him I had crazy mad powers being the Chosen One and all, but was afraid he wouldn’t let me go. God, if he knew my secret. The King was right. He would lock me in a room. Of course, locking me in a room wouldn’t hinder my going anywhere. “Anyway, I want you to meet my big, sticky-fingered, evil sister-sire tonight at some point.”

“Fine,” he said. “See if she will join you back here afterward.”

“I want to meet her, too.” Gemma hopped up off of our bed and placed her hands over Ethan’s and mine.

She closed her eyes and muttered words in a language that sounded Swedish. A buzz of electricity shot into my hands and arms. Ethan jerked back and laughed. It didn’t hurt, it tickled.

“Ooo,” I squealed dancing around. “What was that?”

Gemma grinned, “I sped up something that will happen soon anyway.”

“What?’ Ethan and I asked simultaneously.

“Talk to him with your mind,” she told me.

“My mind?”

“Yes, you know, that tiny thing that’s housed inside your head,” Gemma said.

“Dude, that was harsh,” I moaned.

“Dude, just do it,” she laughed.

Hi Ethan, you have a lovely ass, I thought at him.

Ethan’s eyebrows shot up and he chuckled. Oh my God, it worked.

Thank you, my love. I happen to find your ass riveting, especially in those pants.

Really? I love the way yours dents in on the sides. It makes my knees weak and my mouth water.

That’s good to know. His eyes turned emerald green and he gave me that lopsided sexy smirk. Unfortunately you’re waking up parts of my body that will demand satisfaction if you don’t stop.

Why’s that unfortunate? Do we have time? I grinned at him, aching for his touch and then some.

You’re killing me, he moaned.

“Okay, friends,” Gemma cut into our mental foreplay. “I’m fairly sure I know what you’re doing.” She rolled her eyes. “But the reason I sped this up is so you can communicate if Astrid is in trouble. Not to have mind sex.”

“Whoops,” I said.

Ethan grabbed me and kissed me until my toes curled. God, I loved him.

“You won’t see me, but I’ll be there,” he whispered. “And later tonight I’d like to thoroughly evaluate your ass... and I’m feeling the need to have you handle mine.”

“Just your ass?’ I giggled.

“Definitely not just my ass,” he shot back. “Or yours.”

“Your Majesty,” Venus bowed her head, entering our room with an arsenal of weapons in her arms. “Astrid,” she smirked, clearly having heard our banter.

“Sorry,” I muttered.

“Your Highness, the rest of the Elite Guard is waiting for you in the foyer. The King, Sir James, Cathy, Paris and Samuel are on their way up here to get armed and then we’ll go,” Venus relayed as she loaded a semi-automatic.

“Would you ladies give us a moment?” Ethan asked my friends.

“Certainly,” Gemma said, then took Venus by the hand and left.

“Ethan, I don’t think we have time to... you know.”

“I do know,” he smiled suggestively, “but that’s not why I asked them to leave.”

“Oh.” I tried unsuccessfully to hide my inner slut’s disappointment.

“Come here.” He put his arms out and I fell willingly into them. His lips covered mine. His kiss was surprisingly gentle but full of promise. “Astrid, I love you. I never thought I would find my mate, but the Heavens and Angels decided to smile on me. Nothing can happen to you. I need you to be alert and wary of everyone. Despite your mother’s indifference to you, I understand your need to do this. Your heart is huge and it’s one of the things I love most about you. But there can be no secrets... not anymore, not ever.” He pressed his lips to my neck and a shiver of longing and desire coursed through me.

Damn. I was hiding a whopper of a secret from him.

“What are you thinking?” Ethan tilted his head and searched my face.

“About how much I love you,” I sighed, tracing his lips with my fingertips. “I want to tell you all my secrets tonight when this is all over.”

“Good secrets?”

“Good secrets,” I giggled. It felt wrong and lonely not to share this miracle with him.

“Until tonight then.” He held me close to his body, kissed me thoroughly and left.

I dropped down on the leather couch, amazed at how much my life had changed in just a little over a month. I was crazy in love with a Prince and my friends were Vampyres, Fairy Queens and Angels. I had custody of four adorably violent little Demons and I was going to do the impossible.

I, a Vampyre, was going to have a baby with the love of my life.

Every silver lining must have a small tear and mine was no exception. My mother had died violently while I watched. My father was a disgusting Demon King. And I was dead, but the good far outweighed the bad. I gently laid my hands on my stomach and wondered if the little miracle in there could possibly love me as much as I already loved him or her.

Chapter Forty

It was ninety-eight degrees. About one hundred and fifty sweaty townsfolk stood outside the Town Center Hall in their redneck Sunday best to pay their respects to a woman they didn’t really know or like. Brad and Angelina must have advertised, because I knew these people were not friends with my mother. She didn’t have friends. She barely had acquaintances. I supposed they were here out of respect for Nana—or maybe me. I knew some were here just to be nosy, but I was truly moved by the turnout.

Martha and Jane were dressed up. They’d traded their sweatpants for tight polyester leggings paired with house slippers and some kind of shiny stretchy tops. It was hard to look away, kind of like a train wreck. The house slippers were hurtin’ me bad.

Niecey and Charlie and several others from my senior center art class held gaily-wrapped boxes. I would bet on my non-life they contained phallic gifts for me. I grinned and continued to glance around.

I smiled and waved at Hattie, who was able to attend because we weren’t at the funeral home. Then my gut dropped. The frighteningly-clad old biddies were marching toward me. I tried to run, but they were damn fast for old ladies.

“Sorry about your mother,” Martha snapped.

“She was a whore, bless her heart,” Jane added.

“Yes... well, aren’t we all.” I patted her on the head like a dog. This confused her and amused me.

“We like that Paris Hilton.” Martha got up in my face. I backed up a few steps to get away from her hot rancid breath.

“Paris likes you too.” Damn, sometimes a highly developed sense of smell was not a gift.

“She doesn’t own any hotels,” Jane informed me, touching my arm and coming dangerously close to my breast.

Why did they feel the need to get so close to me? Were they hitting on me? Please God, no. Their invasion of my personal space was unsettling and alarming. Why were they being so nice, relatively speaking? “Well... ” I backed further away. “We all have our crosses to bear.”

“Yes, like all homophobics actually wanting to suck dick,” Martha said, grimacing.

“Exactly,” I said, “just like that.” I grinned and waited to see what was going to come out of Jane’s mouth.

“All Republicans are hookers,” Jane choked out and turned an awesome shade of purple.

“Wow,” I laughed and quickly made my getaway as they slapped each other silly. Sweet Baby Jesus, I needed to get Paris to teach me how she’d done that.

My Vampyre entourage was blending into the crowd. How was that possible? They must be cloaked. They were far too pretty not to be noticed. Ethan was right, I didn’t see him or any of the Elite Guard, but I could detect his scent and it made me smile.

I spotted Gemma trapped by Brad Pitt and Angelina Jinkers-Pitt. Time to save my girl. I knew she would do the same for me.

“Astrid, please accept our condolences. You are looking lovely on this fine evening,” Brad droned.

“Get a load of that shit,” Angelina hooted, slapping Brad on the back. “He’s turned into a pussy! If I tell him to lick my shoe, he will! Watch!”

I watched. He licked.

Oh my God, what had I done? I felt sorry for him. Angelina was horrid and mean. Brad had never been mean. Stupid and chauvinistic and foul, but not mean. I looked at Gemma. She was as shocked and dismayed as I was. I had two choices... Green Eye Angelina and turn her into a lady or Green Eye Brad and return him to his former disgusting self.

“Brad, could I talk to you privately for a moment?” I took his arm and led him around to the side of the building.

“Hey,” Angelina yelled, “tell him to dance like a monkey. It’s hilarious.”

An expressionless Brad on autopilot began to spastically undulate and make monkey sounds. I was so stunned, I stopped and watched. It was revolting.

My eyes flashed green and I slammed poor Brad Pitt up against the wall of the building, effectively ending the monkey dance. “Look at me,” I hissed. “You no longer have to obey your wife. You have not been yourself for about three weeks. That’s over. You are now the same disgusting, good ol’ boy pervert you’ve always been, bless your heart. Do you understand me?”

“Yes.” He was dazed.

“Good,” I snapped. “Now why in the hell is everyone waiting outside the building, Brad?”

He stared at me, confused and lost. Oh God no, was it non-reversible? My stomach roiled with baby nausea and guilt. Had I sentenced him to a lifetime of servitude, including shoe-licking and monkey dancing?

“Well, now darlin’,” he started slowly, but his leer warmed up. “There’s some hot-as-shit big blonde in there that I wouldn’t mind gettin’ down on, if you know what I mean,” he snorted and grabbed his crotch. “She’s a-sayin’ no one’s allowed in ‘til you get your sweet, tight ass cheeks here.”

Alrighty then. “Did she actually say ‘sweet, tight ass cheeks’?” I asked.

He thought for a moment. “Naw, that was just me complimenting your fiiine as wiiine butt.” He went to grab his package again and I stopped him with a glare that brought him close to peeing himself.

“Since my cheeks are here, we may as well let everyone in and get this over with.” I sighed, disgusted with him, but somehow more disgusted with myself for having tried to change him.

“We tore up that big photograph and built that there monument you wanted, sweet potato,” he proudly informed me.

“What monument?”

Brad slapped his jiggly thigh and burped, “I just love how you pretend to forget stuff, Sugarbuns. You are one hundred percent on the right track to gettin’ into my pants. A man sure loves him a dumb woman with nice tits. So you just keep that shit up and you’ll get a piece of me in no time.”

“Pardon me while I vomit, Brad.” God, he was a wart. “But what the fuck are you talking about?”

He cocked his greasy, bald, combed-over head, grabbed his package and grinned, “Why dontcha just come on in and see, schnookie-bottom?”

“I’m not referring to your pencil dick, Brad. I’m referring to the monument.”

He stood there and looked confused. Whether it was about his dick or the monument, I didn’t know, but I didn’t have time for this shit. I left him there to go in and get to the bottom of this.

Good God, what had Brad Pitt built? And who told him to build it? It had to have been Julie. Where in the hell was she, anyway? I quickly went in. On the far end of the meeting hall was a very large something covered in white sheets. It stood about ten feet high and about fifteen feet wide.

I tried to make my way towards the tower of sheets, but the room was jam packed with people. How did they get in here so fast? I picked up on snippets of conversations as I pushed my way through the crowd. Chats about my mother, my Nana, how much better female blood was than male blood, Brad Pitt’s monkey dance...

I whipped around. Who in the hell was debating the benefits of male versus female blood?

I scanned the people in my vicinity. All mortals. Had I misunderstood?

“Julie,” I called out to my sister, spotting her on the other side of the room. That sister thing was going to take some getting used to. She was surrounded by a group of well-dressed people wearing hats. They looked like they were going to the Kentucky Derby. How odd, they definitely weren’t locals. She was talking to them with great animation.

“Hey Julie,” I tried again. She glanced my way and smile-grimaced. Lovely.

Who were those people? I could only see their backs from this angle. There were about thirty of them and they were all riveted by my big, blonde bitchy sister. Maybe she was more fun than I’d given her credit for. Maybe I shouldn’t be so mean. Maybe she was tight on funds due to the extravagant shindig she was throwing for our mother and that was why she clipped my fingernail polish and God knows what else. Maybe she was desperate.

A waiter passed with a tray of hors d’oeuvres in one hand and flutes filled with champagne on a tray in the other. What the fu... ? We catered the memorial? No wonder everybody and their brother showed up. Free booze in a dry county!

“Are you okay?” a small voice asked.

I turned expecting to find Paris standing there, but it was a man. A small, slightly built, delicious little man who was definitely not human stood in front of me.

“I’m... um... fine, and you?” I was so taken with this creature.

He smiled at me and I felt a wash of tingly Magic rain over me. “I’m fine too,” he giggled and took my hand, putting gentle pressure on it. A warm and floaty feeling danced through my body making me sigh with pleasure.

“Who are you?” I asked, refusing to let him go.

“I’m a friend of Lucinda, your Nana. I have a message for you.”

God, he was such a lovely little thing. I wanted to squeeze him. I knew my jaw had clenched and my lips had pooched out. It was the face I got when I saw a crazy cute baby or puppy. I was itching to pick this little man up and take him home with me and feed him and play with him and dress him up and...

“I’m sorry, but what are you?” I didn’t want to be rude, but I was this close to grabbing him, cuddling him to my bosom and showering him with kisses.

He tilted his head which made him even more adorable. “I’m a Sprite and I only have about thirty seconds left in this dimension.”

“Oookay,” I pinched my leg to make sure I was awake.

“Remember,” the edible little Sprite said. “Beyonce is a genius.”

“Beyonce is a genius?” What the hell was he talking about? “Do you mean Beyonce the singer or my Beyonce—the Demon?” What kind of cryptic bullshit message was that?

He pursed his precious little lips and shrugged his delightfully tiny shoulders and disappeared in a shimmering mist. I looked around to see if anyone noticed. Nope, they were too busy with the free booze and pigs-in-a-blanket.

“What did that little bastard want?” Samuel whispered in my ear, startling me. “Those damn Sprites can be rude and disgusting. Did he grab your ass?”

“No.” I tried unsuccessfully to suppress my laughter at the thought. “He was a total gentleman and gave me a message from my Nana, but it was bizarre and I don’t get it.”

“What did he say?”

“He said, ‘Beyonce is a genius’.” I shook my head.

“To the left, to the left, ‘Single Ladies’, ‘Crazy in Love’ with Jay Z, Beyonce?” Samuel asked without a hint of irony.

His knowledge of popular music delighted me. Who knew Samuel was a Beyonce fan? “No,” I replied, “I think he meant my little Demon baby, but it’s still useless. Samuel, I had the worst urge to squeeze that little man. What the hell was that?”

“It’s the Sprite charm. Those little shits look all cuddly and sweet, but they bite. Never, ever put your fingers near their mouth,” he warned.

“You’re joking.”

“Nope.”

“He seemed to like me.”

“Goddamn.” Samuel shook his head in amazement. “Sprites hate Vampyres. They’re not fond of other groups who bite. You are most definitely the Chosen One. I don’t think there’s a species yet that hasn’t been attracted to you.” He began to blend back into the crowd, but not before he saluted me with his middle finger. “Keep your eye on the King,” he said wiggling his finger. I didn’t even try to hide my laughter as I gave him the finger back.

I had kept my eye on the King since we arrived. I knew where he stood at every moment. I had not let him out of my line of vision once. Even when I reversed Brad Pitt, I could still see the King.

“Don’t forget, I’m quite the killing machine myself.” The man in question grinned at me and discreetly placed his hand on my stomach.

“I know.” I grinned back, covering his hand with my own. “Can the humans see you guys?”

“Yes, but we’ve dulled our appearances. We’ve also cloaked our scent so the Rogues would not recognize that there are other Vampyres here.”

“Could the Rogues be cloaking themselves too?” I asked, unnerved by the thought.

“No,” The King assured me, “they would need guidance from a Vampyre at least five hundred years old or older. It’s possible, but highly unlikely.”

I felt my tension subside. That was a relief. “Well, so far, so good,” I smiled.

He squeezed my hand. “I’ll be near the front entrance with Cathy. The only other way in or out is behind that... What is that?” the King asked, indicating the sheet covered lump on the other side of the room.

“I’m not sure. I think my sister Julie had a monument built.”

“Dear God,” the King muttered and I laughed.

“My sentiments exactly. Look, we’ll stay for another hour or so and then we can leave.”

“Whatever makes you happy, child.” He touched my face and glided towards the front door.

I shook a bunch of hands and hugged a lot of people as I tried to get closer to Julie and the sheet covered monstrosity that everyone kept inquiring about. I saw Paris and Venus watch the crowd on my left. Sir James and Gemma watched on my right. Samuel had the back door covered and the King and Cathy were at the front entrance.

Ethan, can you hear me?

Are you all right? He sounded tense. I felt bad for worrying him, but I needed to be here. I needed to pay tribute to a woman I loved despite the fact she didn’t return it.

I’m fine and so is the King. Anything unusual outside?

No. He sounded relieved.

I met a Sprite, I told him.

Did he grab your ass?

No. Samuel asked me the same thing, I laughed.

Those guys are pricks, very sneaky. They use that cute thing to take advantage of women and get into their pants.

Ewww, I groaned, that’s foul.

Yes, he agreed. Now focus and pay attention in there. I love you.

I love you too. I smiled and scanned the room. My eyes were drawn to Julie who looked shaken and pale, even for a Vampyre. She was staring in the direction of the entrance. I quickly looked at the front door. Only Cathy and the King. Did she know them? She caught my eye, pointed at me and mouthed Don’t fuck up, and then made her way to the back exit. God, she was definitely more my mother’s daughter than I was.

I tried to get over there to see if she was all right, but the crowd was against me. Ethan, my sister just left the building through the back exit. See if you can stop her and introduce yourself. She looked upset.

Holy Mother of God, Ethan gasped. What does your sister look like?

Tall, blonde, beautiful, Russian-looking... She’s wearing a red dress, I told him.

Oh fuck no, he ground out. She’s my...

What? What was he saying? She’s supposed to be dead, for five hundred years. He sounded furious.

My stomach dropped and I started to shake. What was he talking about? My sister was supposed to be dead? No, wait... His sister was supposed to be dead. Is Julie his sister? No, of course not. His sister’s name was Juliet. Oh shit, was his sister my sister? Did I mate with my brother?

Ethan! I was panicked. I was trying to put this together, but my brain was shutting down to protect me from something big and ugly.

I’m going after her. His voice conveyed his fury.

That was the last thing I heard from him before all hell broke loose.

Chapter Forty-One

The Rogues did have someone over five hundred years old to help cloak their scent. They had Julie, or rather Juliet. They also had hats to disguise the fact that they all resembled me.

It happened in slow motion, like a bad, bloody horror movie. Juliet left the building. The hat-wearing Rogues let out inhuman screams, the doors magically bolted themselves shut and people started dying.

Glass shattered and rained down from above as Heathcliff and the rest of the Elite Guard stormed the building. Unable to get through the doors and unwilling to give up, they pulled a Paris Hilton and came blasting through the windows. We were outnumbered, but not by much.

A dagger ripped into my thigh before I had the wherewithal to activate my shield. It hurt like hell and destroyed yet another piece of my Prada wardrobe. Do not mess with my friends, myself or my Prada. I quickly touched my chest and a burst of Glitter Magic engulfed me. Without a thought, I grabbed the dagger from the offending Rogue, plunged it into her heart and twisted, killing her instantly. One down... a lot to go.

Shit, where was the King? My eyes frantically searched the room. Oh thank God, he was surrounded by five Elite Guards. He was safe.

I watched in abject horror as two Rogues ripped the arms off of the Police Chief and ate him. Niecey was crying hysterically and crouched down in the middle of the room with Charlie, frozen in fear. I grabbed them and tossed them to Venus, who flew to the windows with my friends and outside to safety. Thus the routine began. Try to mortally wound a Rogue or toss a mortal out of the window.

The people from my town ran around like bumper cars, not knowing who to trust. They were fighting the good Vampyres who were trying to shield them from death. It was a total clusterfuck.

One would think the Rogues would be gunning for me, with a ten million dollar bounty on my head, but they weren’t. I wasn’t safe from harm, but they were trying to kill everything, not just me. They were destroying anything they could get their hands on or their teeth into.

At least the humans were starting to understand the windows were the key to staying alive. They began to willingly go to the Elite Guard who were closest to the walls.

Four Rogues were feasting on a pile of still living mortals they’d trapped in a corner. The screams and moans were brutal to hear. Chills shot through me as I spotted Martha and Jane trying to fight their way out of that corner. Martha’s face was covered in blood and Jane was dragging her by her hair trying to get her to safety.

Goddamn it, I hated those women, but nobody was going to kill them while I stood there and watched. Rage boiled in my veins. I pressed hard on my Angel Wing tattoo and hurtled myself towards the corner at a speed that rendered me invisible to the human eye.

With my bare hands, I ripped the head off of the Rogue who was trying to choke Jane. He dropped to the ground with a thud. I quickly unsheathed my katana and beheaded two others while the fourth tried to run. I pivoted and shot silver bullets from my fingertips completely shredding the top half of that Rogue Vamp.

“Holy Jesus Christ,” Jane shrieked. “What in the hell are you?”

Martha lay practically dead on the floor. Jane approached me fearlessly and examined my fangs and blazing green eyes. I stood silently.

“Well, I’ll be damned,” she wheezed, “you’re a Vampyre.” She shook her head and grabbed me for support, “A fake boob-ed, slutty creature of the night. Bless your hea... ” She collapsed at my feet.

I realized her entire back had been ripped open and she was bleeding out. Son of a bitch, I had always envisioned killing them, but it was just a fantasy, not something I actually wanted to happen. I looked at the two old bags dying on the floor in front of me and a hot flash of grief gripped me.

“Paris,” I yelled. “Get over here.”

We stared at the gals for a moment. I could feel my nausea bouncing around. I had a sour feeling in the pit of my stomach. I wasn’t sure if it was my baby or the decision I had just made.

“They’re dying,” Paris whispered

“Change them,” I said through gritted teeth.

“What?”

“Change them,” I barked. “You care about them, right?”

“Right.” Her eyes lit up with joy.

“You’ll be in charge of them, not me,” I bit out and pressed hard on the bridge of my nose wondering where in the hell my self-preservation instincts had gone.

Paris grinned. “Yes.”

I rolled my eyes and an uncontrollable smile split my face. “Fine. Do it.” I turned away and threw myself back into the fight before I changed my mind. I had certainly already lost it. I had just sentenced myself to an eternity of being called an irresponsible slut. I should be filled with dread. I wasn’t. I felt proud. Therapy... I definitely needed therapy.

Oh God, no... Angelina Jinkers-Pitt lay scattered in pieces all over the floor. Brad ran around picking up her body parts and trying to put them back together. His tear-drenched eyes met mine.

“Help me,” he moaned. “If we find it all, they can sew it back on.” He held her arm up to her hand to make his point. His voice was rough with shock. “I need some ice so she doesn’t turn black. Do you have any ice on you, darlin’? I need ice for my baby... ” He began to shake violently, then began to vomit. He tried to pick up the pieces of his wife that he had dropped, but he slipped in her blood and landed on the pile that used to be Angelina.

This shit had to stop. Who the fuck did these Rogues think they were? They were destroying my people. The backward-ass rednecks that I loved. They had to die.

Amidst the raging battle, I gently picked Brad up off of what was left of Angelina and made eye contact with Heathcliff. He was beneath one of the windows, just having completely torn apart three rogues with his bare hands. He nodded. I threw Brad across the room and Heathcliff flew him to safety. I looked at poor Angelina. She was mean, but she didn’t deserve this. I swallowed the bile that had risen in my throat and dove back in with a vengeance.

I heard a scream and my body went cold. Gemma. She wasn’t equipped to fight these bastards. Why in the hell did I let her come tonight? She could die because of me. My eyes flashed and my fists clenched. Damn it, I could hear her... why couldn’t I see her?

“Over there,” Venus shouted, and pointed to the far left side of the building.

There she was. Three Rogues had her. One held a dagger to her neck, while the other two pinned her to the wall.

“Come and get her,” a male Rogue hissed at me.

Shit, shit, shit. I tried to enter their minds so I could make them explode, but they were closed to me. Why were they closed to me?

I approached slowly, dropping my katana and dagger as I went. How was I going to kill them without hurting Gemma? I held my hands up. “Let her go,” I ground out. “If you do, you can leave free and clear.”

“You will join us, Astrid,” the female spat. Her eyes were wild and unfocused.

“Yes,” I said. “I will go with you.”

“No,” Gemma gasped. “Baby.”

She did know. She knew I had my baby inside of me. I felt a tingling in my stomach. It wasn’t the nausea I’d been experiencing. It was magical. It was a beautiful little spark of life. I smiled reassuringly at Gemma with a strength and purpose I never knew I possessed. I had a better chance of getting away from the Rogues than she did. She had no chance at all. I loved her so much. There was no way in hell she was going to die today, and neither was I. We had far too much to live for.

Gemma’s eyes began to turn an icy silver blue. She was furious. The Rogues were so fixated on me they didn’t seem to notice that the beautiful little Fairy they had trapped was morphing into a god-awful looking monster.

She was magnificent. She glowed an iridescent silver and became the size of a large SUV. She was covered in silver and golden scales and her fangs made my fangs look like baby teeth. Her claws were obscene and as sharp as knives. I was astonished. I clapped my hands together in delight for my beautifully grotesque best friend.

She ripped into the Rogues with a viciousness I’d never seen. I’d heard Fairies were incredible warriors, but this was crazy. She cut one Rogue completely in half, starting at the head and ending at the crotch. The other two screamed and tried to run, but she pierced them with her claws. She swung them around violently before she popped them into her mouth and ate them.

Alrighty then... didn’t see that one coming.

“Well, I do believe that was the fourth Mortal String,” Gemma’s sweet voice said, coming out of the bloody-fanged mouth of her alter ego. “Can you believe I ate them?” she giggled.

“Um... no,” I said, retrieving my katana and dagger. “That was pretty fucking gross,” I told her.

“Yep,” she agreed, “but they were tasty.” She paused. “I don’t really know how to change back.”

The Rogues had frozen when Gemma shifted and the Elite Guard had captured them, tying them up with barbed silver chains, silver handcuffs and leg shackles. Only ten out of the thirty had survived.

I scanned the room and took inventory of my people. I knew Ethan had taken Luke, Princess Raquel and Princess Lelia to go after Juliet. I had so many questions for that bitch. Most of the Elite guard was accounted for. The King and Sir James were with Heathcliff, Cathy and Venus. I knew Paris had left with the old ladies, so everyone was here and okay.

Samuel.

“Where is Samuel?” I demanded.

Venus looked down. Heathcliff stepped forward and took my hands, “He didn’t make it.”

“Where is he?” My voice broke and my eyes filled.

Heathcliff led me to Samuel’s body. He’d been decapitated. I felt raw and jagged inside. He was my friend and I loved him. I sat down on the floor and took his broken body into my arms and I cried. I tried to push his head back onto his shoulders. It rolled off and nestled close to my thigh. I felt a kinship with Brad Pitt in that moment. I wanted to put some ice on Samuel and sew him back together. I could still hear his voice, giving me shit and encouragement at the same time. He and The Kev had made me the fighter that I had become. He made me feel good about being a Vampyre. He was my friend when everyone else treated me like a pariah. I was going to miss him terribly. How in the hell could the Chosen One not save one of her chosen ones?

I felt something pounding deep within my body. If I’d had a working heart, that’s what it would have sounded like as it broke... but I didn’t. It was grief—mind-numbing, angry grief. Samuel turned to dust in my arms. Oh my God... my wish. I still had my wish. My mood shifted from despair to pure joy. Magic flowed through me, everyone within ten feet of me getting doused with Fairy Glitter.

“Hear Me, O Fairies,” I sang out in a strong voice. I clutched handfuls of Samuel’s dust. “Please give my friend Samuel back his life... that is my wish.”

I closed my eyes and the building began to shake. My body was suffused with heat and Samuel’s ashes were on fire. Literally. I dropped his dust and scooted away. And then... nothing.

I turned to Gemma. My desperation was palpable. “My wish... can’t I use my wish?”

“It’s too late,” she whispered, her huge gleaming body pressing against mine.

“What do you mean?” I shouted, scattering what remained of Samuel everywhere.

“In order to bring someone back, they must still have a body.”

I hated her answer and I tried to hurt her. I slammed my body into hers as my tears blinded me. “Why don’t you help me... why? You’re the fucking Fairy Queen,” I screamed.

“It’s not my place to determine fate, Astrid,” she said, her own sparkling tears flowing. “I’m not God.”

I looked at Samuel’s ashes, feeling shame that I hadn’t saved him. I slowly turned to Gemma and additional shame washed over me. She tentatively held her arms out and to me and I collapsed into her hulking embrace.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered to her. “I’m so sorry.”

“Me too,” she said. “I’m sorry too.”

Chapter Forty-Two

It was too quiet. Was I wrong about where they had gone? Was I too late?

I pressed my body against the wall of the cave and quickly made my way through the corridor, looking for the Portal to Hell. I knew I was close. I could smell the sulfur and burning flesh. I squatted down and laid my palms on the limestone floor, absorbing as much Magic as my body would take in. I had depleted myself by transporting and I needed no weaknesses right now, real or perceived.

“Are you okay, Mommy?”

What the fu... ? My pockets were talking. Four little grinning heads popped out. I slapped my hand over my mouth to keep from screaming.

“Oh my God, you scared me to death,” I chastised Ross, Honest Abe, Rachel and Beyonce. “How did you get into my pocket?” I whispered.

“We be here the whole time, Mommy,” Honest Abe giggled softly, “and you already dead.” Ross high-fived him for the death joke. I rolled my eyes.

“Your Mommy worse than my Mommy.” Beyonce shook her head in disgust. “She bad.”

“Yep,” I agreed. “You guys need to stay in my pocket. It’s going to get ugly and I want you safe. Do you understand me?”

I tried to be stern, but I was so happy to see them I almost cried. I was scared. Scared I would screw up, and there was simply no room for error.

“We hear you, Mommy,” Rachel said sweetly. The others nodded.

If I’d had time, I’d examine that answer a little deeper. It sounded as if they were acknowledging what I said without agreeing to abide by it. I had their number. I pulled that crap all the time with Nana growing up. I heard moaning and laughing. We all froze. I pushed them back into my pocket and moved toward the voices.

I got down on my stomach and shimmied to the archway of a magnificent room, with crystals cascading like diamond curtains from the ceiling to the floor. The King was bound with silver chains and my mother floated around him. She was agitated and angry.

“I despised you for not changing me.” Her lips were thin and her eyes were slits of fury. “Then I found out how noble you were, knowing how it would have killed me.” Her laugh was reminiscent of nails on a chalkboard. “I just hated you more, you stupid, stupid man.”

“What are you waiting for, Petra?” The King goaded her. Why was he doing that? Did he want to get his heart ripped out?

“I haven’t finished my story yet,” she snapped furiously at his challenging words. She was beginning to flicker and become more transparent. The angrier she got the more she faded. My King was a smart man.

“I have spent the last five hundred years building an army of Rogues,” she shrieked. She stilled suddenly and composed herself. “Our daughter helped me,” she smiled at him with intense pleasure. Her moods shifted on a dime, like a schizophrenic.

“How did you convince her?” he asked. I could tell Juliet was a painful subject for him. So could my mother.

“It didn’t take much,” she giggled. “I gave her all the affection she craved and then I withheld it until she begged,” she informed him icily. God, somebody should have tied her tubes hundreds of years ago. She was the sorriest excuse for a mother I’d ever seen.

“So you begat half Demons, Juliet turned them into Vampyres, and you turned them into monsters,” he said with disgust.

“Correct,” she cooed. She raised her hand and shot a bolt of lightning at his chest. He grunted in pain, but he did not cry out. God, he was tough. I had been ready to lose it after a graze on the shoulder, but he stayed quiet even when the equivalent of a jagged burning spear got shoved into his chest.

I could see blood seeping through his shirt and I watched in horror as she flew to him and lapped at it. She raised her head, her face was covered in his blood and she smiled.

“I did love you,” she whispered seductively. “You’re so pretty, but you loved that bitch Paloma more than you loved me,” she growled and went back to licking and sucking at his chest.

How was she doing that? She was a spirit. It had to be the caves. The level of Magic in this particular room was high. I could feel it wash over me. She was becoming less transparent the more blood she drank. Shit, this was bad. No, wait... it might be good. As long as she didn’t drain him completely, the more human she became, the better chance I had of killing her. It was difficult, but I waited.

“Get your skanky, skinny-ass, fucked up, demon-slut hands off of my man,” Pam bellowed and the room shook.

“You!” Unintelligible curses spewed from Petra’s mouth as she tried to clutch the King to her, but she wasn’t solid enough to accomplish it. Her face was a mask of rage. “You’re too late, whore,” she screamed. “He’s dead.”

Time for a change of plans.

“Of course he’s dead, he’s a Vampyre,” I yelled as if I was in a vaudeville show and I had the punch line of the joke. I placed myself directly in front of my mother, blocking her view of Pam.

Petra screeched like a harpy and buzzed around the room like the Tasmanian Devil, shooting lightning at the King with every pass. His body jerked and convulsed on the floor. He was bleeding heavily. Both Pam and I tried to make our way to him, but the lightning was too much. Every time we tried we were flung back into the walls.

Petra was insane. Her eyes blazed and she couldn’t seem to focus on any one thing. The King was almost dead. I wasn’t sure what she had done, but it wasn’t good. I needed to get him away from her before she ripped his heart out.

I flicked my fingers at Petra and knocked her across the room. Thank God. She was solid enough that some of my Magic would work.

“Pam, get the King,” I yelled to her. She didn’t need to be told twice. She transported across the room and covered his body with hers.

“I have been waiting five hundred years to get back in your pants,” she threatened him. “Don’t you dare die on me now.” Pam removed the silver, shook him and forced him to feed from her.

“I’m going to kill you,” my mother shrieked and flew at me like a freight train.

I ducked and shot a spray of silver bullets from my fingertips as she crossed over me, but they went right through her. Magic, yes. Conventional weapons, no.

I focused and yanked my spirit from my body and tried to enter her. Again, nothing. There was not enough of her to enter. How in the hell was I supposed to kill her?

Petra, not being one to give up, came back at me screaming like a banshee and shooting lightning from her hands.

I felt a piercing hot knife of lightning slice into my stomach. Oh God, no. No, no, no. I dropped to the floor and clutched my stomach. My hands were covered in blood. Rage boiled through me. I will kill her over and over again for the rest of my life if she harmed my baby. I tried to get up, but I couldn’t, not yet.

The tingling I’d felt earlier was gone. My little spark of life disappeared. My baby had died. I knew it, and the grief that ripped through my body was debilitating. I was consumed with a white hot fury. That woman had tried to destroy me, but I never let her. I was so much stronger than I had ever given myself credit for. I’d be goddamned if she was going to destroy my baby.

“Hear me, O Fairies,” I gasped through my pain. “Let my baby live... that is my wish.” I was glad I was on the floor as a wave of dizziness consumed me. My body convulsed and curled into a tight ball. My hands still clutched my stomach, so I was very aware that the bleeding had stopped.

A chilly blast of Magic engulfed me and it came back... the little spark of life came back. I could feel it smiling inside of me. My tears of joy made little pools of red on the limestone floor. I closed my eyes and I saw him. A beautiful little boy who looked just like his daddy. He tilted his little head to the side and blew me a wet baby kiss. I opened my eyes and the image disappeared, but his presence inside me remained strong.

I slowly lifted my head to gauge where the bitch would come from next, but she was gone. Where in the hell was she? I scanned the room. She was nowhere to be found. I crawled across the floor toward Pam and the King. If we could get out before she returned, there was a chance we would all live.

Something wasn’t right. Pam wasn’t feeding the King. She was feeding from the King. His body was limp in her arms and her face was dripping with his blood.

“What in the hell are you doing?” I dragged myself to my feet.

She grinned at me. Oh thank God, she was doing some weird Angel thing with the King to save him. Immortals had the strangest habits. “Pam, we have to get out of here.”

She nodded, and then she tore the King’s hand off and ate it.

What the fu... ? I staggered back in shock and disgust. I gagged as I watched her chew and swallow his hand.

“Pam.” I moved toward her. “Stop.”

She looked up. For a moment she was terrified and confused, then it was gone. She stared back at me with an expression of supreme satisfaction in her eyes, but they weren’t her eyes. They were Petra’s eyes. Son of a bitch, Petra had gone into Pam’s body and was going to fulfill her destiny through Pam. Her smile broadened and she winked at me.

I saw red. Since I’d become a Vampyre I’d been living one cliché’ after another. I had been rooted to the ground, felt thick silence, heard a pin drop, but none could compare to seeing red. A heat suffused my body and I trembled with an anger so deep it was boundless.

Pam was immortal... if I killed her she’d come back. Right? I needed to get her off the King before it was too late. I reached into my pocket to retrieve a throwing star. I would behead Pam and then when my mother left Pam’s body, I’d kill Petra with every bit of Magic I had left in me. Even if Pam didn’t come back, I knew she’d never be able to live with the fact she’d cannibalized and killed the love of her life. I would want the same done for me.

My pockets began to shriek as I went for my throwing stars. I looked down and Beyonce began to recite.

“Between this world and the next,

There’s only one way to kill.

A magic secret blown in the ear

Do not cave into yourself

Be strong like a rock and save us.”

Oh my God, Beyonce was a genius! That little ass-grabbing Sprite was telling the truth. It was in the poem all along. That was why Nana sent me the message. “Cave into yourself” says it’s in the caves. “Between this world and the next” is exactly where Petra was. To kill her I’d have to blow a magic secret into her ear. Secret, something not meant to be known by others. Magic... something wonderful.

I finally knew how to kill my mother, and damn, I was looking forward to it.

I watched in horror as Pam began to ingest the King’s arm. Dinnertime was so over. I flew across the room at over two hundred miles an hour and plowed into Pam, throwing her into the wall so hard I was sure I broke every bone in her body. The impact was so severe it knocked Petra right out of her.

Petra’s screams were inhuman. “No, I’m not done,” she wailed.

“Oh yes, you are,” I muttered, trapping her mostly solid body in the corner. She growled and snapped like an animal. I needed to calm her down. “Mother,” I hissed, “stop it. I knocked you out of her body so you can enter mine. I want to be the one who saves you, not her.”

It took her a few minutes to focus on me and comprehend what I had said. “Yes, yes darling,” she grunted, “that’s wonderful.” She smiled and her eyes rolled back in her head, “Hurry, I’m still hungry.”

Oh hell no... that was disgusting. “Mother, I want one thing from you.” I moved closer to her.

“What do you want, my sweet?” She was shaking with excitement. Her tongue was foamy and hanging out of her mouth like a rabid dog.

“No, Astrid,” Pam moaned. “Don’t.”

“Shut up,” Petra growled at her. “Can we kill her?” she whined like a spoiled child begging for a toy.

“Of course,” I told her lovingly. “Right after you grant my wish, I’ll kill her. I want to hug you and I want you to hug me back.”

She looked taken aback. “Why?”

Even when I was about to get her everything she ever wanted, she still couldn’t hide her disdain for me.

“Because you’ve never hugged me and that’s what I want,” I said.

She considered for a mere heartbeat. My mother lifted her arms to me, the very same way I had always dreamt her doing it. “Come hug Mommy, sweetheart.”

I leaned into her and she hugged me. My chest clenched and tears flooded my eyes. This was what I had wanted my whole life. She held me tight and it felt so good. I lay still in her arms for a moment, memorizing the feeling. I loved her as much as I hated her, but it was way too little... way too late.

“Mother?’ I whispered in her ear.

“Yes?” she answered. She trembled with excitement.

“I’m pregnant.”

It was definitely a secret and God knew it was Magic. I blew in her ear and she died in my arms. I stared at her beautiful dead body for what felt like an eternity. Why did I love this horrible woman? Was it simply because she was my mother and daughters were supposed to love their mothers?

I realized in that moment that I didn’t love her, not in the true sense of the word. I loved the idea of loving her. I didn’t hate her either. I felt nothing. She was nothing to me. When you die, the only things you leave behind are memories in the minds of those who loved you. That was how you lived on. My mother would not live on... at least not through me. I put her down on the cold floor and I walked away from her. Forever.

Pam limped over to me, a mess of broken bones and bruises. “Well, Asscrack, you scared the fuck out of me for a second there, but you did good.” She reached up and stroked my face lovingly. I knew what unconditional love was. I didn’t get it from my own mother, but I was lucky enough to have some amazing people in my life who adored me.

I moved to the King. He opened his eyes and smiled. “You are beautiful, child.” He was clearly in pain, but his arm and hand were already growing back. Incredible.

I lifted him and carried him to Pam. They cradled each other lovingly. I collapsed on the ground next to them. All I could think about was how much I loved Ethan and our baby boy... and how much I wanted a long hot bath. I had no idea how he would react to the news of our son, but I had a feeling he’d be over the moon. I couldn’t wait to tell him... God, I had so many questions for Sir James.

The clapping started slowly and gained speed until the wind from the motion was blowing my hair around my head. I looked up and there stood my Demon daddy. Could this day get any worse?

“Hello, daughter,” he said, his voice still ragged as if shards of glass were caught in his throat. “I see you’ve killed your mother.”

“Yes Sir, I did.” I almost laughed. The ridiculousness of my life never failed to amuse me at the most inappropriate times.

“Leave her alone, Demon.” The King tried to sit up.

“This has nothing to do with you, old man,” the Demon King barked. Old man? Wasn’t that the pot calling the kettle black?

“What do you want?” I interrupted. I was sick of cryptic bullshit. I wanted to get right to the point.

“You,” he said.

“Not gonna happen,” I shot back. It was starting to look like my day could get worse.

“Do you dare defy me?” he roared. The room shook with his fury. His huge teeth clicked and his burnt bloody body trembled with rage. Right about the time I knew I was a goner, my pocket started dancing. Oh. My. God. I quickly looked down because my grin almost split my face.

I turned to the King. “If anything happens to me, tell Ethan everything. Everything.” He nodded, but his eyes were troubled. I said a quick prayer and knelt down before the Demon King.

“I’m so sorry Daddy,” I cowered. “I will never defy you again. I’d like to give you a gift.”

I heard Pam gasp, but I ignored her.

My father’s smug satisfaction was delightful to me. He nodded his head. I reached into my pocket and presented my father with my baby Demons.

“Snack time,” I yelled as I tossed them at the Demon King. They shrieked with joy and they ate him. Every disgusting, smelly, foul inch of him.

“You will pay for this,” he screamed in agony. Terror shot through me. My mother had done a shitload of damage after being eaten by Demons. I sincerely hoped my daddy couldn’t do the same. Of course, my mother was a reincarnated mortal and had been eaten after she was already dead. My daddy was a live meal... Wrapping my mind around all this was too much. I’d figure it out later. At best, he was gone for good. At worst, it bought me a little time.

The grunts and shrieks and cracking of bones as my babies ate about did me in, but it was him or me. I had no plans to visit Hell any time soon. I wanted to go home. I needed to tell Ethan he was going to be a daddy and he was going to have to marry me human-style. I was not going to walk around town knocked up and single.

My little Demons finished their meal in no time flat, let out some rather disgusting belches and jumped back into my pocket. It still amazed me that something three inches high could eat something the size of my daddy. The mechanics of that were mind-boggling. I had looked away while they dined. The image of my babies chowing down on my daddy was not one I wanted to remember. It was bad enough that I could hear it.

I was so lost in my own little dream world planning my wedding and ignoring the feeding frenzy, I neglected to realize that the room had suddenly filled with Bad Demons. I should have known nothing good could come from killing both of your parents in one day.

* * *

The Vampyres entered the Cavern fully armed and ready to fight. Princess Lelia ran to her mother Pam, and held her as she cried. The King was attended to immediately.

“Where is she?” Ethan demanded.

“They took her,” Pam whispered. The shock of what had happened and seeing her daughter had almost rendered her speechless.

“Who took her?” Ethan’s voice was clipped. He was panicked.

“The Demons,” the King said raggedly. “Astrid killed Petra and Abaddon, and then the Demons came through the Portal. They called her their Queen and forced her down to Hell.”

Ethan was furious. He went deathly still. Power and anger rolled off of him, filling the room. It rumbled through the floor and shook the walls. No one moved. “She killed over twenty Demon-Vampyres today alone, including their King. How did common, run of the mill Demons force her to do anything?” he roared.

“They threatened her,” Pam choked out.

“With what?” Ethan demanded.

“Son, Astrid is pregnant... ”

“I know,” Ethan said, perilously close to destroying something.

“They told her they would slip inside her and kill the baby.” Pam’s voice was flat and sounded dead.

Without pause, he turned to Heathcliff and Raquel. “If I’m not back in three days, come for me. If I’m gone, find her and bring her home.”

They nodded.

“What are you doing?” the King gasped.

“What does it look like I’m doing?” His voice was controlled... barely. “I’m going to Hell to get my child and my mate.”

“You can’t,” the King gasped trying to rise. “A Vampyre won’t last more than a week in hell.”

“Then I suppose I’ll have to work fast.”

“That’s a death wish,” the King muttered, taking an amulet from his pocket and tossing it to his son.

“Without her, I have nothing to live for. What is this?” he asked, examining the clear stone.

“It will kill one. Only one. The one meant to rule. Use it wisely.”

“Post guards at this entrance and kill any demon that comes through,” Ethan said, checking his arsenal.

“But this is neutral territory,” Heathcliff said.

“And your point is?” Ethan inquired coldly.

“It shall be done, my Liege.” Heathcliff bowed his head.

Ethan nodded curtly, stepped through the Portal and disappeared.

# THE END (for now) #

Fashionably Dead Down Under

Hot Damned Series Book Two

Book Description

Welcome to Hell. Literally.

The Hell where the Prince of Darkness is hotter than Hades, Hell Hounds smell like brownies and the Seven Deadly Sins are addicted to Facebook…Not to mention the soundtrack in the Underworld is Journey. For real.

I should have known no good could come from offing my parents in the space of twenty minutes no matter how psychotic and evil they were…

Now I find out my family tree includes almost every deity and mythological being alive while Ethan, the one and only love of my undead life has a limited time down under before he turns to dust.

In the land of Sin, you’d think I’d get some nookie time with my man, but no. Baby Demons, cousins and grandparents put the kibosh on that. Blue balls are the new normal. What the hell does a Half-Vampyre slash Half-Demon have to do to catch a break?

Apparently find a freakin’ sword, calm Mother Nature’s unmedicated mood swings and make sure Mister Rogers keeps his sticky fingers to himself during weekly poker with the Devil. And I have three days to do it.

By all that’s unholy, I thought Ethan’s Vampyre family was crazy… Trust me, they have nothing on the Demons.

Chapter One

Pain—then ice—then intolerable heat.

A second took years, yet time stood still.

The claws of those that trapped me were razor sharp. They tore through my flesh as the ones who owned them grunted and screamed with delight. I struggled for balance, but realized I was standing on air.

Violet and silver dust engulfed me as I choked on smells of burning flesh and anger.

How was this happening? I was supposed to be planning my wedding to my hotter than Satan’s underpants Vampyre Prince… not taking a ride to Hell with smelly and disgusting Demons.

Shitshitdamnitshit.

* * *

Journey? The soundtrack in Hell was Journey?

I would have thought Nine Inch Nails or AC/DC, but certainly not Journey… Don’t get me wrong, I loved Journey, but Don’t Stop Believing just didn’t seem like an appropriate anthem for the Underworld.

Was I even in Hell? Maybe this was Purgatory or some other random plane of existence? Although I would expect Barry Manilow, John Tesh or Kenny G if I was stuck in Purgatory.

“Where in God’s name am I?” I muttered as I gingerly pried my dry eyes open.

One thing I was absolutely sure of—I definitely wasn’t on Earth. The ride to wherever the hell I was with the stinky Demons had sucked the big one. It was violent, smelly and it hurt like a son of a bitch.

Easing my body to a sitting position was difficult but doable. Now, to figure out where I was…

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” I moaned, both from the pain shooting through my limbs and the simple fact that Faithfully was blasting from invisible speakers hidden somewhere in my cell.

Wait. Was this a cell? A trap? A bedroom?

A bedroom? I was in a bedroom?

This couldn’t be Hell. It had to be some kind of holding area. The Underworld was supposed to smell like sulfur and look like post-Armageddon. This place looked more like some douchenoggle with big bucks and debatable taste had shopped at all the most expensive home stores on Fifth Avenue … while they were drunk.

My body ached like I’d been beaten and I checked myself for wounds. Surprisingly I was fine. Maybe all that flesh tearing had been an illusion. Being a Vampyre I healed quickly, but the trip to Hell, or wherever I was, had been rather turbulent. Turning my head took effort, but I needed to figure out my location and how to get out.

Interesting. I was on a large bed draped in cheesy and predictable slippery black silk. The walls of what I decided to assume was a massive bedroom were all done in burnished gold leafing. Thick and ornate crown molding framed the walls. The shades of the molding were more muted and depicted horrific scenes of mutilation and decapitations of some kind of animal-looking thing. Okay, this was more like the Hell I expected. The artwork added to the ambience—frescos of orgies and graphic depictions of group sex and death graced what had to be twenty foot high walls. The floor was so highly waxed it literally sparkled—the uninviting cold black marble stretched from one end of the huge room to the other.

Trying to block out Steven Perry singing Lovin, Touchin, Squeezin’ was almost impossible. I had a bizarre urge to sing along…

Wait a fucking minute… were the walls breathing?

Stop. Pull yourself together—walls didn’t breathe. I needed to deal with the situation at hand. I would not let Steven Perry or walls with a heartbeat derail me from getting the hell out of Hell.

First things first—I needed to get up. I wasn’t chained to the bed. I was able to move as freely as my battered body would allow. I suppose the most unnerving part was that no one was around… or were they? I hadn’t seen anyone or anything since my forced arrival. Could Demons cloak themselves like I could?

“Astrid,” a disembodied voice hissed from out of nowhere.

“Holy Hell,” I screamed and dove under the bed, slamming the side of my head on the metal frame and bending back all the fingers on my left hand. “Who’s here?” I shouted, nursing my painfully throbbing fingers and head, not to mention the rest of my body.

“Al Pacino.”

“Al Pacino lives in Hell? I didn’t even know he died.” Plus, he seemed more like a Purgatory guy to me. “Bullshit,” I muttered, cautiously peeking out from under the bed. There was no one in the room but me. Maybe the walls were alive. “You are not Al Pacino. You don’t even sound like Al Pacino. Who in the hell are you?”

“I’m part of you,” the wall whispered.

“I’m a fucking wall?”

The wall laughed heartily. So heartily it pissed me off. “So, did you enjoy your trip, Astrid?”

“Are you kidding me? It sucked,” I snapped and scanned the room for a hidden Demon. There had to be someone in here. Walls did not talk.

“What on earth did you expect, my dear? You’d just killed their leader who happened to be your father,” the voice informed me. “Not to mention you offed your psychotic bitch of a somewhat human mother not even ten minutes before your father arrived.”

“My father was no prize either. He was a gross, stinky, disgusting and evil Demon and wasn’t even upset that I snuffed out my mother,” I shot back. Fine. I’d lost it. I was talking to a wall…

“Darling girl, if you were able to kill both your parents, why didn’t you stop the Demons from taking you to Hell?”

“Well, Wall, you seem to know quite a bit already. I’m sure you know exactly why I couldn’t stop the Demons.”

“Couldn’t or didn’t?” the wall inquired politely.

I’d had enough of the wall. “What does it matter? I was a bit tired from offing my parents and I had, um… other reasons.” Damn it, this was impossible. Was I really talking to a wall? Yes. Yes, I was.

“Ah yes,” the wall said lovingly. “Your unborn child. That child will also be part of me.”

“Look, no offense, but you’re a freakin’ talking wall. I don’t really see the connection between you, me and my baby.”

“If you’re not going to be pleasant, I’ll leave,” the wall huffed and the heartbeat disappeared. WTF?

Fucking. Awesome. The wall was gone because I pissed it off. Not only had I made myself an orphan earlier and earned a lovely unplanned trip to the Land of Damnation, but I’d made a talking wall in Hell angry with me. What did a girl have to do to catch a freakin’ break? I’d done everything that was expected of me and still I got the shaft… I’d fulfilled the crazy Vampyre Prophecy. I’d saved the Vampyre King and proved I was indeed their Chosen One. Although I might have reconsidered the job had I known ending up in the Abyss of Darkness was part of the description.

“Are you screwing with me?” I shouted at the wall as Open Arms surrounded me on all sides. The incredible urge to sway and sing along was almost debilitating. There had to be something subliminal going on here… Was Journey part of some evil plan? Was it laced with hidden references to Hell and debauchery? Was Steven Perry an incubus? Either someone down under was obsessed with 80s pop music or I wasn’t in Hell at all.

“Oh my God,” I gasped as crawled out from under the bed. I very slowly stretched out my cramped legs and arms. “I clearly fucked someone over in a former life to have to deal with this.”

“Why would you think that?” the disembodied wall voice hissed.

“Motherfucker,” I screeched, grabbing a pillow off the bed and hurling it at the wall. “Do not scare me like that. I’ve had enough surprises today.”

The wall chuckled in reply.

The Demons had unceremoniously dragged my ass through the portal to Hell insisting I was their new queen—like that was ever going to happen. If they hadn’t arrived in such large numbers, I might not be sitting in Hell right now talking to a wall and trying to make my body work, but I was… and I was furious.

However, as unhappy as I was about my new address, I would hazard a guess that my beautiful mate Ethan had gone ballistic. He would have arrived at the caves by now where my deadly family reunion had taken place and would know that I’d been abducted. My gut clenched at the thought of what he would do. His father, the King of the Vampyres, would have clued him in to the somewhat unbelievable story of my pregnancy and Ethan would… Shit, I didn’t know what he’d do, but I needed to get out of here quickly before he attempted to come to Hell and rescue me.

I’d lost enough. I would not lose the man who was my world and I flat out refused to lose my baby. Unease skittered up my spine like little mice and I shivered involuntarily as Steven Perry began to belt out Wheel in the Sky. OMG.

Could the talking wall keep me from leaving? Time to find out.

On the far left side of the room was a bay window. I wondered how high up I was and if I could jump. What was I thinking? I could fly, for fuck’s sake. I grimaced and stood. I just needed to find a way out of the garish bedroom and make my way to a portal that would take me back to Earth.

Of course since I had no idea what that portal might look like or where to find one, that might prove to be a clusterfuck in the making. Awesome. I needed to figure out where I was.

Walking hurt so I decided to fly to the window and check out the landscape. After two pathetic attempts that resulted in my ass hitting the floor—hard, I realized my powers weren’t the same in Hell as they were on Earth. Not. Fucking. Good.

“Looks like you lost some power, my dear,” the wall said.

“Ya think?” I snapped. Why was I even talking to the wall? It was a wall. I would ignore it and if it got mad—so be it.

My eyesight, hearing and sense of smell were still bionic, but my ability to cloak myself was gone along with my ability to fly. I needed to get the hell out of the room. Staying low and away from the walls just in case they had hands too, I slipped out of the bedroom and made my way down a massive hall. Ironically—or maybe not—Steven Perry belted out Separate Ways. Who in the hell knew Journey had so many hits?

Something was off besides the fact that the walls talked. Why was I able to breathe and why in the hell did Hell smell so good? Was I even a Vampyre anymore? If descending to I-have-a-shit-ton-of-money-and-no-taste-and-Journey-is-the-best-band-ever-land meant that I had turned into a full Demon, someone was going to pay.

Not wanting to show fear, but filled with dread that made my heart beat like the drum section of a percussion happy high school band, I stood in the center of the dimly lit hallway. If the Demons had wanted me dead they would have already killed me. I was creeped out that I’d been talking to a wall and had seen no one. It felt like I’d plopped down in the middle of a game with no rules…

This world was filled with dark magic and Steven Perry… and strangely, I found that combination appealing. Very appealing. It was unlike the foul magic of my mother or my father and his minions. This was smarter and a whole hell of a lot more dangerous. Thankfully my body was becoming my own again. The pain was receding although I was still without my undead powers…

Voices. I heard voices… and they didn’t belong to Steven Perry or anyone from Journey as far as I could tell. A man and a girl.

Oh, I wanted to go home. Where were my ruby slippers or at the very least a fairy godmother? This was bad… very, very bad.

Moving quietly toward the sound with as much outward calm as I could muster my stomach roiled. Why, why, why did shit like this seem to happen to me on a daily basis? My karma couldn’t be that bad… Suck it up and deal with it. I’d just defeated massive evil. I killed my vicious father and my bat-shit crazy mother in the space of twenty minutes. Not something I was proud of or wanted to brag about, but it was me or them and clearly I had more to live for… I was a kick butt half-Vampyre half-Demon who was pregnant. I was a virtual impossibility. I could do this. I’d talk my way out and go home. Or I’d whack a bunch more Demons and go home. Done. No fucking problem.

However, when I reached the source of the voices my courage disappeared. The sheer amount of magic in the room was like nothing I’d ever felt. The darkness wound around me like a perfectly cut cashmere wrap and the magnetic pull was intoxicating. There was no turning back. It felt right to be where I was in this very moment. I was positive this was where I would get some answers. Luckily I slipped into the room unnoticed. In the spirit of self-preservation and utter terror, I quickly hid behind a massive black brocade curtain as Steven Perry appropriately busted into Who’s Crying Now.

* * *

“Dixie, this behavior is unacceptable!” the man bellowed.

He was magnificent and frightening. His magic was stronger than any I’d ever witnessed. I slipped farther into the shadows so I wouldn’t be seen. Fuckity fuck fuck. Every instinct in my body screamed at me to run away, but that was impossible… they would see me. This was a mistake—possibly a deadly one. But I’d been drawn here by an unmistakable pull. As much as I wanted to disappear, I wanted to stay even more.

The beautiful man stood at least six feet six inches tall and had long raven black hair—identical to the girl named Dixie he was displeased with. She was stunning, yet her demeanor was meek. Their eyes were golden like mine, although his turned a ruby red as his anger mounted. Was the girl related to the man? Who in the hell were they?

Their skin color differed. His was more of a pale mocha and hers was a peaches and cream. They were both long and lanky and reeked of magic. The girl, Dixie, appeared to be about nineteen or twenty and the man? Who knew…

“I’m sorry,” she muttered, staring at her fingernails. She picked nervously at the chipped black polish.

“Would you like to explain these grades?” The air crackled with his anger and energy. He threw the paper to the ground at her feet.

Grades? WTF? This was Hell… people got report cards in Hell?

“Um… I studied?” she whispered, ducking her head to avoid a blow.

“No child of mine receives straight As.” His voice was soft and menacing.

I was so fucking confused I almost stepped out from my hiding place, but sanity prevailed and I stayed put.

“I said I was sorry, Dad. I’ll try harder to fail next time.”

One question answered…

“Where did I go wrong?” he lamented. I watched him pace. His presence filled the room completely, leaving little space for anyone or anything else. His very expensive black leather pants and black silk shirt matched his hair perfectly. It was clear the girl loved him and was upset with his displeasure.

He threw his hands up in disgust, “I’ve given you everything, and this is how you repay me?”

“Didn’t realize there was a price,” she muttered quietly.

“Everything has a price,” he hissed.

Damn, he had really good hearing.

Dixie shrunk down low and waited. I held my breath, wishing I hadn’t chosen this particular room to explore.

“You will drop the goody-goody act. You will be rude, promiscuous and scandalous. You will not be compassionate unless I am concerned and I expect you to flunk out of the Demon College just like all of your sisters did. Do you understand me?” he demanded.

“I’m really sorry, Dad.” She sounded like a broken record—this was clearly a familiar conversation for them.

“I am Satan,” he bellowed and the room vibrated. “I have a reputation to uphold. You are a Demon Princess, you have a Porsche, your own bungalow in the most exclusive zip code in Hell and certainly more money than anyone your age should have access to and yet you throw all this in my face? Why Dixie, why?” He wearily dropped down on the couch next to the girl and she put her arms around him.

“I love you,” she whispered.

A ghost of a smile touched his lips. “And I you.” He wrapped his arms around her and looked into her eyes. “Is it true that you donated one million dollars of my money to feed hungry humans on Earth?”

“Yes,” she said and buried her face against his chest. “I did.”

He heaved an enormous sigh, “I have to punish you, you know.”

“I know.”

He put his finger under her chin, forcing her to meet his eyes. “If I don’t punish you, all hell will break loose down here. No pun intended,” he grinned.

“Daddy, that pun was totally intended,” she giggled.

“That it was.” He stood up and ran his big hands through his hair and turned his mesmerizing gaze on her. “You are so like your mother.”

“And that’s a bad thing?” she challenged.

“It’s an… interesting thing,” he conceded. His voice was melodic and hypnotizing.

“Dad?”

“Yes, Dixie?”

“What’s my punishment?”

He gave her a terribly evil and intoxicating smile. “I’ll have to think about it.” He turned and walked toward my hiding spot. Shit. Why did I have to be so freakin’ tall? Please walk by me. Please. He stopped a foot from where I hid. I held my new found breath and prayed to everything and anything I could think of… including him.

“Come out, Astrid. I’ve been expecting you.”

Sweet baby Satan, this day couldn’t get any worse. Actually, it probably could.

Chapter Two

Shitfire, hell and damnation. This was bad. Satan was expecting me? How was that even possible? And how did he know I was hiding behind curtain number two? Although he was Satan or Lucifer or Beelzebub or the Prince of Darkness or...

“I prefer Satan. Lucifer is fine on Tuesdays and the Prince of Darkness will do in a pinch,” he said smoothly in his dark, rich voice.

Son of a... I quickly slammed my brain doors shut and hoped I still had at least that ability. Test it, my filterless and quick to come up with horrific ideas brain told me. Fine… Satan is a douchebag who wears ladies underpants and picks his nose... Nothing. No reaction. Thank you Jesus and Buddha and Moses and Judas and whoever else was kind enough to be helping me out at the moment. Wait. I take back the Judas thing. Don’t want to pray to a dude who gets people crucified. Dumb, dumb, dumb. I idly wondered for a moment if Judas lived down here. Focus. Satan was on the other side of the curtain I was hiding behind and he’d requested the pleasure of my company. Fuck.

I was Southern and I had manners. If I could teach art to genitalia obsessed seniors, I could converse with Satan. Right? Right. If he was expecting me, he was probably aware of my recent patricide and matricide… Would he be impressed or pissed? After all, my father had been in charge of Hell. Wait. How was my stanky father in charge down here if Satan existed? This made no sense. Were the Vampyres wrong? Was my father a big fat hairy liar? Who in the hell did I kill an hour ago? Was he even my father?

“I’m waiting,” Satan informed me in a tone that got my feet moving quickly.

“Hi,” I said as I burst from the curtains and shoved my hand out to shake his, acting like it was the most natural thing in the world to be eavesdropping on the King of Debauchery’s conversation from behind black brocade. “I’m Astrid and there was clearly some major fuc...mistake. I don’t live down here and I’m not dead. Well, actually I am dead, but not dead-dead. I’m undead and my undead, um… husband is going to be pissed. I’m a newlywed of sorts in a Vampyre undead way and I need to go home, your Honor of Darkness. Now.” I expelled a loud and long breath as I hadn’t inhaled through my insane diatribe.

“Interesting,” he purred and watched me. He hadn’t taken my hand and I let it drop limply to my side. “So you’re the Chosen One.”

“Apparently,” I snapped, annoyed that he didn’t have the decency to shake my hand. “And you’re the bad guy.”

“Occasionally,” Satan laughed and all the air left my lungs. God, he was beautiful… and scary.

“Cigarette?” he offered, holding a pack of my favorite brand out to me.

I was soooo tempted. I could breathe for God’s sake. Would one measly cigarette hurt me? Um, yes. Yes, it would. In my struggle with temptation, I’d all but forgotten I was pregnant. Would I have taken it if I didn’t have my little miracle inside of me? I’d like to think no, but I wasn’t too sure. Hell was going to be hell.

“No, I quit,” I said, looking away from my former vice.

“Such a shame,” he replied, watching me intently.

It was if he could read me without diving into my mind. Shit. Time for a change of subject… “I thought my dad was in charge down here.”

“You do realize down is a misnomer,” he informed me. He was in my space and I itched to take a step back, but knew in my gut if I moved away I would lose a few points in whatever fucked up game we were playing.

“I’m not following,” I said politely, very aware he avoided my statement.

“My dear beautiful creature,” Satan said, moving even closer. “It’s a misconception that Hell is below and Heaven is above. What does that even mean? Nothing is up or down, that’s just mundane human mythology. Most likely the poor mortal fools made the mistake because Hell is occasionally called the Underworld. So very literal, those humans… Hell and Heaven are simply on different planes, accessible through portals. Earth was modeled after a combination of the seasons, climates and terrains of Heaven and Hell. We all share the same moon, sun and stars.”

“Interesting. So about my father… ” I said, ungracefully changing the subject. Again. Although what he said was fascinating and I did want to know more I was in a bit of a time crunch. The faster I could get out of here the better. I was certain Satan already knew if he was going to kill me, so I had very little to lose. I wanted answers, not a history lesson.

“Yes,” he replied silkily. “Tragic ending.”

“Who was he?” God, the Devil was more cryptic than the Vamps. “I thought he was in charge down here.”

That stopped the Devil in his tracks. “Did he tell you that?” he demanded in a voice that made my stomach drop to my toes.

“Um, no… not exactly. I guess I just assumed, or maybe my mom told me.” Under no circumstance would I tell him the Vampyres believed my dead pappy, Abaddon, was the leader of the Underworld.

“How rich,” he laughed, going from deadly back to blindingly beautiful in the matter of a moment. “Your father,” he spat derisively, “was definitely not in charge here. He was my minion and managed a certain—how shall I put it—area of Hell… but he was weak and stupid—unfit to rule.”

I stayed silent. The way he stared at me made my skin heat. He was breathtaking, but I wasn’t pulled to him in a sexual way. It was a power thing… I think.

“Daddy, you should tell her more,” Dixie said quietly from across the room. I’d forgotten she was still here. Her father’s presence was so large and overwhelming everything around him disappeared.

“She’s on a need to know basis,” he informed his daughter. “Welcome to Hell, Astrid. Say hello to your cousin Dixie.”

“My cousin?” WTF? If she was my cousin then he was my…

“Uncle,” Satan supplied as I quickly re-shut the faulty doors in my mind. Damn it to hell, I was one walking defect… nothing worked.

“That’s just awesome,” I gushed, inching my way to the door, “but I have to go. It’s been kind of lovely meeting you and I seriously hope we don’t have too many get togethers and… ”

“Halt,” my uncle the fucking Devil hissed.

I did.

“Don’t you think it only fair that you learn about the other part of your heritage?” he half asked-half insisted, turning his back on me.

“Um, no, that’s okay. I’ve seen enough in the last couple of hours to last a lifetime… a long one—like mine.”

“Unacceptable,” he replied so quietly I wasn’t sure I heard him, but if the look on Dixie’s face was anything to go by, things were about to get hinky. Shit. “You will stay here until I deem it reasonable for you to leave. You will immerse yourself in the Demon culture and you will get to know your family.”

“There’s more than just the two of you?” I asked, hoping there wasn’t.

“Oh yes, my lovely niece. Many more.”

“There will be people looking for me,” I said, wracking my brain for any excuse to leave.

“That should be fun,” Satan grinned and I almost fainted. His charm was addictive.

“The longer I’m here the better the chance that there will be problems for you.”

“Trust me, my dear, there are already problems… Plus, time runs differently here than it does on your chosen plane,” he said and turned to leave.

“What the hell does that mean?” I demanded. I had no clue if he knew I was pregnant, but if time was screwed down here what did that mean for my baby?

“It means,” my uncle replied slowly while staring me down, “that I determine how much time you miss on Earth. A week here could equate with a minute in your world… or it could equate to a year or ten. That, my dear, will be up to you.”

“To me?”

“Yes, good behavior will be in your favor. Remember that.”

With that he disappeared in a blast of black glitter and smoke.

Son of a bitch, this day just kept getting worse…

“Come with me,” my cousin Dixie said. “You’ll stay at my place during your visit.”

I rolled my eyes at the use of the term visit but didn’t correct her. There was something fragile and trusting about Dixie. Honestly I kind of liked her, but more than that I was hoping I could use her to get the hell out of… well, Hell.

Chapter Three

Dixie’s bungalow was really freakin’ nice. Gorgeous and graceful—very much like her. Actually, all of Hell was lovely. It reminded me of Kentucky in the spring… on crack. Blooming trees and roses and climbing blossoms everywhere. Literally. The scented air calmed me with its familiarity and I wondered how in the hell my father fit in here.

Dixie drove us from the Devil’s estate back to her place in her Porsche. That’s right, a Porsche.

“Um, Dixie, did you know my dad?”

She paused and considered her answer. Her body language was stiff and childlike. “Well, I’d met him, but he lived in another area.”

“Another area? Like a different state?”

“Kind of,” she hedged. It was clear she had no clue what she could tell me and what she couldn’t. This could work to my advantage… use the naive cousin. Find out what I need to know and get the hell out of Dodge.

“Look, I won’t tell anyone what you tell me. I thought I was supposed to learn about my, um… heritage. How exactly am I supposed to do that if no one answers my questions?”

“Good point,” she agreed. “Listen, I have my therapy group coming over for a session. How about we talk afterwards?”

“Fine.” I caved. Maybe if I was agreeable I could make her like me and she would slip up and tell me how to find a portal… “Can I sit in on your session?”

She giggled and shook her beautiful head. “Yep, but stay over on the side of the room. It gets somewhat violent at times.”

“Noted.” Hell was weird and I was about to discover how right I was.

* * *

There were three in Dixie’s group besides her and the therapist, who was sporting a full body cast. WTF? They were as curious about me as I was about them. We all chatted a bit, then Dixie simply introduced me as her cousin. Nothing more. Nothing less. That was fine with me. I eyed the strange Demons and wondered if any of them would accept a bribe to get me to a portal.

Carl, Myrtle and Janet… I dubbed them the strong man, the bizarre little one and the bearded lady. Literally. Janet had a beard… Then there was the very angry therapist, who if she had a name I was not made aware of it. Again, fine by me. She was creepy and she smelled strange. I sat back in my corner and watched Hell’s version of The Jerry Springer Show unfold.

The tension in the room was palpable. I scanned Dixie’s living room for exits just in case this wonky little party of weird got out of hand. Carl, the Strong Man, rubbed his bald head the same way I rubbed my calf when it fell asleep. He rubbed so hard and fast, I was sure the skin was going to come off and his brain would fall out. I waited in anticipation and fear to hear what he had to say. I hadn’t heard him speak yet. He did a few bizarre dance moves when I’d asked him a question earlier. I’d bit down hard on the inside of my cheek so I didn’t laugh at him and I backed off. Janet, his bearded girlfriend, interpreted for him but no more. The therapist, sporting a bad attitude and a thin reedy voice, was very clear. Carl had to speak for himself.

I wondered if this wrinkle would cause a violent episode. I kind of hoped it would. A small zap of something warm shot through my body at my destructive little thought. I dismissed it and continued to watch the scene play out. Janet squeezed Carl’s hand and smiled.

“I enjoy uthing my metal detector at family functionth. Preferably not my family. I made forty-nine dollarth and theventy-two thenth in jutht under nine hourth at a family reunion latht Augutht.” Carl smiled. He actually had beautiful teeth and cute dimples, but the lisp… Hoo baby, now I knew why he preferred to communicate through interpretive dance. On Earth he could have had speech therapy, but in Hell I’m sure he got the crap beat out of him.

“All right then, Carl,” the therapist snapped, “have you ever considered just stealing the money from the purses and wallets of the party guests? Or perhaps holding them at gunpoint and demanding their money and jewelry?”

“Um… no,” Carl muttered, “I can’t thay that hath ever occurred to me.” He scratched his bald head in confusion.

As far I could sense, Carl didn’t have magic or power. Hmmm.

I watched the therapist jot down notes and make disapproving tsking sounds. She avoided looking at me at all. Acted as if I didn’t exist. Interesting. She clearly didn’t want me here. Maybe she was the one to bribe…

“Janet,” the therapist smiled nastily through her bandages, “you have a waxing and electrolysis appointment after this session.”

“But I like my hair,” Janet stammered. Her stubby little fingers instinctively went to her face to protect her beard and stache. Was she going to cry?

“Yes, but you’ve had over three hundred years to become evil and you have not succeeded. Your hair,” the smelly, bitchy counselor sneered in disgust, “seems to be your most prized possession, so it will be taken from you.” She smiled. She really was a bitch.

“Forever?” Janet whispered. Her little body trembled and Carl draped a big muscley arm around her, pulling her close.

“Forever,” the therapist wasped.

“I am so glad I busted your ass with the coffee table,” Myrtle muttered under her breath.

“What was that, Myrtle?” the therapist hissed.

“Nothing.” Myrtle smiled and gave me a covert thumbs up. Again I had to chomp down on my cheek to keep from laughing.

I found myself happy that Myrtle had nailed the therapist with a coffee table of all things. Myrtle was my kind of girl. My guess was that it had been quite an entertaining show. A burst of magic rushed through my body as the violent thought manifested itself in my brain.

Glancing down at my fingers I noticed a black glitter coating them. WTF? Was this Demon voodoo magic? I quickly rubbed it off and tried to focus on the meeting. Satan had sent me with Dixie for a reason. There must be something in all this strangeness I was supposed to learn…

“Soooo, Janet,” the nasty shrink challenged, “do you have any hobbies you’d like to share?”

Janet took a deep breath, regained control of her shaky little body and got back up in the saddle. “I too enjoy taking other peoples money, but I really enjoy working in television. I spend all of my free time, plus some of the time I’m supposed to be stoking the Hell Fires, following news trucks around and appearing in the background of live news reports!”

“She’s been on TV at least forty-two times in the last three months alone,” Myrtle gushed, giving Janet a high five.

Did Hell have its own TV stations?

Janet, gaining confidence from the high five, proudly shouted, “All of the local stations have taken restraining orders out on me!”

“Interesting,” the mean ho-bag therapist droned. “Have you ever attacked a reporter or shouted obscenities on live television?”

Janet was crushed. “No. I haven’t.”

“I thought not,” Miss Meanie replied, writing in her notebook. “I’d like to point out that Muffy the Contortionist is no longer part of our group. She has graduated. She blew up a Dairy Queen on Earth last night. Apparently she felt she had been overcharged.”

“Lucifer’s Bouncing Balls, I hadn’t even noticed her absence! Was anyone hurt?” Janet gasped and pulled on her beard in distress.

“Unfortunately, no,” the icky therapist said, “but we hope she makes better choices next time.” She took a pause, giving each of the group the evil eye through her bandages while still ignoring me as if I didn’t exist. “Myrtle, you’re next.”

Myrtle fidgeted in her chair. I figured she had to be a couple of hundred years old like Janet, but she looked like she was about fifteen. Most Demons, like Vampyres, stopped aging somewhere between twenty and thirty, so it was difficult to determine true age. I wasn’t sure why Myrtle looked so young.

“Um… well, I enjoy going to Earth and playing dead in public places. When I’m surrounded by humans I take perverse pleasure in jumping up and scaring the fucking shit out of them as they wail in anguish over my perceived death.”

WTF? These Demons were nuts.

“Have you caused any heart attacks or strokes doing this?” Miss Bitchy Shrink grilled Myrtle.

“No, I can’t say I have. A couple of them have wet themselves,” she offered meekly.

“Anything else?”

“Ummm, sure.” I watched Myrtle wrack her brain. “I do enjoy kidnapping people’s dogs and cats. I groom them and dye their fur so they resemble wild animals. I then return them to their rightful owners in the dead of the night. I derive huge amounts of satisfaction watching our citizens walk their tigers, skunks and panda bears around town.”

Everyone was speechless. That had to be one of the weirdest things I’d ever heard.

“Do you ever eat any of the animals you kidnap?” the therapist asked.

“No, I’m a vegetarian,” Myrtle informed the group.

“A vegetarian Demon?” the bitch from hell shrieked, her eyes turning blood red.

Myrtle cowered behind the chair she’d formerly been sitting in. Janet started crying and braiding her beard, Carl looked mighty uncomfortable and Dixie looked like she wanted to do some damage. I suppose a veggie-Demon was an anomaly, but this shrink was a hag.

“I’ve heard of that,” Dixie piped up, ignoring the look of hatred from the therapist. She tried not to fidget, but I could tell she was lying from a mile away. I was actually enjoying myself. These people were fucking crazy. “Those Demons get their protein from soybeans.” Dixie had a captive audience so clearly she decided to elaborate. “I’ve heard of Veggie-Demons destroying thousands of acres of soybean fields on Earth just for an appetizer.” She had to have yanked that whopper right out of her rear end.

Myrtle glanced over at Dixie gratefully. The lovely therapist looked as if she wanted to nail my cousin’s ass to the wall, but she didn’t dare. Dixie might have issues, but she was the head honcho’s daughter. No one was stupid enough to fuck with that… or were they?

“Sooo, Your Highness,” the bandaged skank began, “let’s go over your list of problems...or should I say virtues. Shall we?” She laughed wickedly. “You’re a straight A student, you remember birthdays, you clean your room, people describe you as kind, you pioneered the first Meals on Wheels in Hell, you donated a million dollars to feed humans on Earth, and you’re a virgin,” she sneered. “What do you have to say for yourself?”

How on Satan’s Red Earth did she know Dixie was a virgin? Was Dixie a virgin? Wait. That was none of that bitch’s business… and why did I even care? I barely knew my cousin, but I was pissed. I glanced around the little bungalow for something to throw at that woman’s already injured head and I felt a dark power and magic run through me. Different from my Vampyre magic. Stop. This was not good. Did Satan send me here so I’d get pissed and turn fully into a Demon? If I pulled on the dark magic and destroyed the therapist would I be permanently stuck in Hell? I took a deep breath and said nothing. Thankfully I didn’t have to. Myrtle stepped in.

“I don’t know about you guys,” Myrtle grunted, “but I’m feeling the need to bust on Dixie’s coffee table and beat the living hell out of our therapist again.”

Carl, Janet and Dixie grinned from ear to ear and I couldn’t suppress the giggle that escaped my lips. Miss Bitchy Pants stood up and backed her way towards the front door.

“All of you, including the Vampyre have to report to the Dark Palace,” she haughtily informed us.

“Now?” Janet asked hopefully. I assumed she hoped to avoid the enforced hair removal she was about to endure.

“No!” Meanie snapped. “This evening. After you get de-haired, you repulsive...”

“Enough,” Carl shouted advancing on the horrid woman. She turned and ran from the house. Like a coward… foul, disgusting, bandage covered cowardice hag.

We stood quietly and looked at one another—the Princess, the Strong Man, the soon to be hairless Bearded Lady, Myrtle… and me.

Myrtle broke the silence. “So you’re a Vampyre?”

“Apparently,” I answered, hoping she didn’t attack. I kind of liked her and really didn’t want to kill her.

“Cool,” she muttered and the rest of the freak show nodded their approval.

“She’s part Demon too,” Dixie added, giving me a shy smile.

“Very small part,” I explained. “And I need to get home. Soon.”

“I’m sure Daddy will send you home. I think he just wants to know you better.”

“That’s just awesome,” I replied in a voice laced with sarcasm.

“He’s really not that bad when you get to know him,” Dixie said.

“He’s worse,” Myrtle mouthed to me out of Dixie’s line of vision.

Fucking great. This was going to be a good time.

Chapter Four

“Your pockets are talking,” Dixie said as she tossed me a pile of dresses to try on. The therapy crew had left and we had several hours before we had to be back at the estate. From the looks of the clothes my cousin dropped on me, it was a formal affair.

“Yep, I know.” I examined the goldmine Dixie had deposited in my lap and hoped that ignoring my Baby Demons in my pocket would make my cousin follow suit.

No such luck.

“Are they hungry?”

“Is who hungry?” I asked as I stuck my hands in my pockets and attempted to quiet my tiny monsters.

“The little Demons in your pocket. Are they hungry?”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” I replied as I pinched Abe, Ross, Rachel and Beyonce. They didn’t help matters by giggling and poking their little heads out. “Fuck,” I muttered and shook my head in disgust.

“They’re adorable.” Dixie giggled and reached out to them.

“No,” I shouted and slapped her hand away. I quickly grabbed my little Demons before they ate my cousin. “Dixie, stay back. They eat Demons and I kind of like you… so just back away. Slowly.”

“We no eat her,” Ross screamed and laughed like he was on crack. “She pretty and she good. Me like to touch her boo… ”

“Enough,” I snapped before Ross waxed poetic about my cousin’s hooters. “You won’t eat her?”

“Course not, Moooommmmmyyy,” Beyonce chimed in. “She not evil. She be sweet and funny and me like her.”

My Demons crawled out of my pockets and slowly made their way up my body. The tiny three-inch monsters perched on my shoulders and watched my cousin with intense curiosity. My little monsters were a recent and constant addition to my new Vampyre world. Much to my great surprise and delight, I could see Demons that others could not.

In my FUBAR undead life, my little Demons brought me joy and hours of laughter—not to mention the gifts of more power than I knew what to do with. I’d forgotten they were in my pockets when I was dragged to Hell and my gut clenched in fear. What on earth could happen to them in this place? Would they be safe? It was overwhelming enough to have to take care of myself and my baby living inside me… how was I going to manage to keep my little monsters from harm too?

Out. I needed to get out of Hell. Now.

“She is sooooooo pretty,” Rachel whispered loudly.

“Thanks,” Dixie said. “Can I touch you?”

“Yessssssssssss,” Rachel squealed and hopped off my shoulder into Dixie’s open hand. “Don’t touchy Ross or Abe. They like boobies.”

“Um… okay.” Dixie laughed. “Are they yours?’ she asked me as she gently stroked Rachel’s little head.

“Yes, they’re mine and they’re innocent, so if you have any ideas of turning them into evil little shits, you’ll have to go through me,” I snapped and took Rachel back.

Dixie was stunned by my anger and stood mutely in front of me. My Demons began to laugh hysterically and pummel each other.

“Ohhhh, Mommmmmy so funny,” Abe screamed and began to twerk on my shoulder. I plucked him off and put him on the floor. Breakdancing was one thing, but shoulder twerking was an entirely different matter.

“She no hurt us and nobody can make us bad,” Ross explained to me and rubbed his little Velcro head on my cheek.

“You’re sure about that?” I asked.

“Absofuckinglutely,” Beyonce yelled as she flipped off my shoulder and onto Dixie’s.

“Language,” I hissed at them and they shrieked with delight.

“Mommmmmmmy has mouth like drunk sailor man,” Rachel told my now amused cousin. “She know all the bad words ever made!”

“Great,” I muttered. “That’s just fucking great.”

“Seeeeeeeee,” Abe grunted as he twerked a figure eight around my feet. “Mommy has filthy poopy mouth. That’s why we love her.”

“Well, maybe she can teach me a few things,” Dixie said as she lifted Beyonce off her shoulder and cradled her like a baby. Beyonce, the traitor, purred like a kitten and promptly fell asleep. “Do you think they’re hungry?”

I paused. How to answer that… They were probably not hungry considering they’d eaten my very large and evil father not all that long ago. I was still coming to terms with the fact that my adorable little monsters ate bad Demons—more specifically, my father. Although I hadn’t watched, the sound of the cannibalization of my pappy would stay with me for eternity…

“Well, I’m gonna go with a no on that one,” I said and grimaced as I relived their last meal.

“We still full from eating your daddy,” Ross crowed as he yanked up his shirt and slapped his little round belly. “He was sooooo tasty. Taste like chicken.”

“Wow,” Dixie said. “That’s a bit unexpected, but, um… interesting and gross.”

“Yeah, well, at least you weren’t there,” I snapped.

The silence was deafening. Several times I started to explain, but decided against it. I didn’t owe Dixie or anyone in Hell an explanation for anything. The less everyone knew about me the better. I grabbed the pile of clothes and made a no-way pile and an oh-my-God-I-love-this pile. Ridiculously expensive clothing could take my mind off of almost anything. Almost.

“We no need to eat for weeks,” Abe said as he humped my ankle. “And I no think your daddy taste like chicken. He taste like stinky cheese.”

“Me say fish tacos,” Rachel chimed in.

Okay, ewwww. “Me say enough,” I said before they gave a play by play.

Dixie laid the sleeping Beyonce down on the couch and flipped through my “good” pile of eveningwear. Pulling out a drop dead Stella McCartney, she held it up to me. “Wear this. You’ll be stunning.”

“Look, I’m sorry if my manners are lacking, but I need to leave and going to a shindig at your daddy’s is not high on my priority list.”

“Astrid, Satan is fair and he is not demanding anything unusual of you. I think you should just play along until you can leave,” Dixie said as she rifled through some jewelry.

She was probably right. Was she as sweet and innocent as she appeared to be? She was the daughter of the Devil. How could she be so freakin’ nice?

“How old are you?”

She stopped and heaved a weary sigh. “I’m twenty.”

“Twenty plus what?” I asked. Did she think I was an idiot? Every immortal looked somewhere in their twenties.

“Twenty plus nothing.”

“Wow, you’re a baby.”

“Not much more so than you,” she replied and handed me a diamond necklace and earrings. “These will be pretty with the dress. What size shoe do you wear?”

“Seven. So you haven’t been alive very long.”

“Nope.”

“And there are more of you?” Stop being bitchy and learn something. Something helpful. Something that will help me get the hell out of Hell…

“No, there’s only one me, but I do have sisters. Seven of them.” She stared at me expectantly.

“What am I missing?” I asked. Was this a game show? Did I have to guess everything? I pinched the bridge of my nose to ward off the headache that was threatening.

“You don’t know?”

“No.” I rolled my eyes. “If I knew I wouldn’t ask.”

“Seven,” Rachel screamed, waking Beyonce from her slumber which led to a baby Demon smackdown of epic proportions.

Ignoring the violent wrestling match at my feet, I stared at my cousin. “I’m sick of cryptic. Just fucking tell me.”

“The Devil has seven daughters. I have seven sisters.”

“Actually he has eight,” I corrected her.

“True, but for thousands of years he had seven. I’m very new,” she said. “I wear a six and a half shoe. Do you think you can squeeze your feet into these?”

I was momentarily speechless as she held up the hottest Prada pumps I’d ever seen.

“Oh my God,” I gasped. “Are those this season?”

“They’re next season.” She grinned and handed them over.

“I’d consider cutting off some toes to fit into these babies.”

“That would be gross,” she giggled. “Did you figure out the seven yet?”

“I think so,” I said as I attempted to wedge my size seven foot into her size six and a half shoe. “But it’s so appallingly cliché it’s pathetic.”

“Then you got it right.”

“Your sisters are the Seven Deadly Sins?” I laughed and then groaned. My toes were on fire. “Shitfuckshitshit, these are way too tight.”

I felt like the ugly stepsister from Cinderella as I tried in vain to shove my foot into the slipper… no fucking go.

“Yes, they are. I can call Greed and see if she’ll loan you a pair. I’m pretty sure she wears a seven.”

“Someone named Greed is going to let a random cousin she doesn’t know borrow her shoes?” I asked and reluctantly handed her back the gorgeous footwear.

“She doesn’t like to part with her possessions, but getting to meet you before all the rest of them should be enough incentive for her to agree.” Dixie grinned with glee and texted her sister.

“What about Sloth?” I asked. “Would she just sleep through us pilfering her shoes?”

“Trust me, you don’t want Sloth’s shoes.”

“Why? No. Don’t answer that. The less I know about all of you, the better. I’ll just wear my own.”

“You’re wearing black Converse. I don’t think that will work with Stella McCartney.” Dixie laughed and sat down on the floor with my exhausted Demons. Beating the living daylights out of each other tended to wear their little monster asses out.

“I think Converse goes with everything,” I said and joined her on the floor. “Why are you nice? Aren’t you supposed to be evil and mean?”

“You think I’m nice?” Dixie’s eyes lit up and she grinned happily.

“I do,” I admitted, biting back my own grin. I really didn’t want to like her, but she was making it difficult. “However, you’ve been kind of useless to me so far. Aren’t you supposed to bring me up to speed about my heritage so I can get the hell out of Dodge?”

“What do you want to know?”

The floor and walls of Dixie’s bungalow shuddered. I scooped up my babies and held them to my chest. Big mistake as Abe and Ross took that as a cue to feel me up.

“What was that?” I demanded as I peeled my little boys off my boobs.

“I have no idea.” Dixie literally disappeared and rematerialized by her window. “It felt like a Hellquake, but it’s the wrong season for those.”

“Hellquake?” I laughed and rolled my eyes. “Is that Hell’s version of an earthquake?”

“Yes, Miss Smarty Pants, it is. Well, nothing is on fire out there and my security team is still in place so no one has breached the barrier and tried to kill us. We’re fine.”

“Fine? We’re fine?” I asked in a voice that sounded weird even to me. “We are not fine. I don’t belong here. I have a mate and a family that will be looking for me and I have no time for this crap.”

“You’re going to have to make time,” Dixie said. “If you don’t, you’ll find that time is all you have.”

“Oh, for shit’s sake,” I groaned, “you sound like a freakin’ fortune cookie.”

“Whatever,” she huffed. “Ask your questions and I’ll answer what I can.”

“Why aren’t you evil?”

Dixie rolled her eyes. “Not all Demons are evil and not all Angels are good. Nothing is that simple. There’s no such thing as pure evil and no such thing as pure good.”

“Mommy is good. She kill her mommy and daddy today,” Rachel chimed in. “They baaaad mamba jambas.”

“Do you consider yourself evil?” Dixie inquired.

“Absolutely not,” I shot back.

“But you committed murder.”

Wow, harsh, but correct… “It was self defense. Me or them.”

“I didn’t realize the Ten Commandments had a self defense clause.”

“Okay, fine. I suck. I’m evil. Next question, did you… ”

“It’s about balance, Astrid,” Dixie cut me off. “You can’t have good without evil or you wouldn’t even know what good meant. One cannot exist with out the other. Satan and God. Heaven and Hell. It creates a balance.”

“But your father creates death and hatred,” I countered, trying to remember what I’d learned in Sunday School a million years ago. Fuck. I couldn’t remember anything.

“Nope. My father punishes those that choose to do evil. God, your uncle and mine, gave man free will. Man has a choice and his choice determines his afterlife. This little ditty was a huge mistake on God’s part and my father takes great pleasure in his brother’s faux pas.”

“How is free will a mistake?” She was crazy and had clearly drunk the Kool-Aid. “And did you say God was our uncle?” WTF?

“Yep, I did. And personally I don’t think it was a mistake at all, but God is pissed that so many have chosen the wrong path. His words, not mine, but it’s too late. What’s done is done.”

“So God’s mad that humans suck and Satan is happy he gets to punish them.”

“That’s a little simplistic, but kind of accurate.” She nodded her head and went on. “Technically, Demons are forbidden to create or cause true evil—we’re only allowed to siphon off the energy from evil caused by humans. But Demons, like humans, also have free will. While mild violence, deceit, stealing, promiscuity and cheating are typically overlooked, acts of terror, mutilation or hobbies resulting in the death of others are strictly forbidden. Trust me, there are plenty of Demons residing in the Basement of Hell. It can be difficult and tricky to control something that thrives on evil, yet isn’t supposed to commit it.”

“Hell has a basement?” I asked, trying to absorb the massive amount of info she’d just spit out.

“That’s your question after what I just told you?”

“Yep.”

“Ooookay,” Dixie laughed. “Yes. Hell has a basement.”

“And nine other levels?”

“Um, no. Dante was completely wrong.”

“You’re kidding me,” I gasped. Was everything I knew about Hell a fairy tale?

“Dante will be here on Thursday. It’s poker night. You can grill him then. He’s been pissed for ages. He went ballistic when he found out the actual layout.”

“So much of what you just said was screwed on so many levels.”

“Nine?”

“Touché,” I laughed. “Dante lives in Hell? And he plays poker?”

“No and yes. Dante resides in Heaven, but comes over every Thursday to play poker with my dad.”

“God lets people out to play poker?” This was too much for even me to believe and I was a Vampyre. A myth…

“Free will, Cousin. God has no say if his residents want to vacation in Hell.”

“Does that work both ways?” I asked, still amazed that Satan played poker with Dante.

“Absolutely not. God doesn’t let evil touch his doorstep.” Dixie sniffed with disdain.

“Who else plays poker with your dad?”

“It depends. Most of the time Hemingway comes. Occasionally Marilyn Monroe, Elvis, Picasso and Mother Teresa.”

“Back the fuck up. Mother Teresa plays poker with the Devil?”

“Why wouldn’t she? My dad is charming and throws a great party. Besides, she’s always trying to reform him.” Dixie giggled and shook her head. “Oh, and one time Nixon came.”

“How’d that work out?”

“Dad says he cheats.”

“Of course he does,” I muttered, wondering if she was just pulling all of this out of her ass and fucking with me…

“With all that being said, it would be a grave mistake to assume Demons are goody goodies. They’re not… alright, I kind of am, but I’m a freak here.”

“I have no issue with freaks. I ride that train too,” I told her.

“Here’s the bottom line. I’ve been raised to be grateful to evildoers, because without them Demons wouldn’t exist. We derive our power and magic from the chaos and evil of humans. So while we don’t necessarily cause it, we thrive on it or feed on it, so to speak. Don’t forget that our Uncle God dealt out the free will thing, not my dad. And now to combat his error in judgment, God and his army of Angels keep trying to end evil so my dad and his people, including me… and you, will cease to exist. No offense, but God really screwed himself by letting men and women choose their own paths. If he wanted everyone to be good, he should have come up with a better plan. Daddy thinks that particular subject is hilarious.”

“I bet he does,” I mumbled and wondered how to broach the what-does-a-portal-look-like subject without seeming too obvious.

“There’s a ton more for me to tell you, but we only have a couple of hours before we have to go and not to be rude, but you need a shower. Your hair is kind of wild and there’s soot all over your face and you’ve got some dried blood on you.”

“Um, you waited till after your therapy session to tell me I looked like a homeless person?” I snapped.

“No, I did that on purpose. You look dangerous and crazy with all that hair and blood. I thought it might throw our bitchy therapist off her game… and it did.” Dixie grinned and gave me a thumbs up.

I couldn’t bite back my grin. Dixie wasn’t quite as nice as I thought and I was glad. “Fine. Show me to your bathroom and I’ll get spiffied up for your evil shindig.”

“Wait till you see your hair,” she giggled and led me deeper into her home.

“That won’t happen,” I told her as I examined her house. It was awesome—all done in earthy colors with bold slashes of chocolate brown and dusty rose woven in. “I’m a Vamp. No reflection.”

“Oh, that’s too bad,” she said. “The red streaks in your hair rock.”

“What red streaks? I don’t have red streaks.”

“Um… you totally have red streaks.”

“Son of a bitch,” I muttered, running my hands through the tangled mess. “Is that some kind of Demon gift?”

“Don’t know, but I sure wish I had them.”

Her bathroom was huge and better than any bathroom I’d ever been in. On one side were floor to ceiling mirrors and Dixie was right—I was a fucking mess. I mean I was still hot in that Vampyre undead way, but I was covered in dried blood and my clothes were torn. But my hair… holy Hell. My hair was its usual dark brown, but there were blood red streaks running through it. She was right—it was hot, but it shouldn’t be there.

Wait. WTF? I could see myself?

I grabbed the counter for purchase and heaved in a huge unsteady breath—another thing I shouldn’t be able to do. My body shook as I peered at myself. The self I hadn’t seen since before I died. What did this mean? Was I still a Vamp? Had I become a Demon? Fuckityfuck, I needed to get back home soon before all of this was irreversible.

“Are you okay?” Dixie asked, running over to me and easing my quivering body to the floor.

“I can see myself,” I whispered. “This is not good.”

“Okay,” she said and sat down next to me. “What can I do?”

“Help me get out of here.”

“Oh, Astrid, I can’t,” she said with remorse.

“Then just get away from me,” I hissed and put my hands over my eyes and my head between my knees. Anger boiled inside me and black glitter covered my fingers and traveled up my arms. Coating them like sparkling black sleeves. It was beautiful in a macabre way. I felt the dark power weave its way through my body and settle next to my dormant Vampyre power.

“Oh shit, Astrid,” Dixie gasped and backed away quickly. “Be careful. You could blow us to Kingdom Come with that much magic.”

“What are you talking about?”

“What do you mean what am I talking about?”

“Oh my God,” I shouted. “If I ask a question, it means I don’t know the answer. I don’t talk just to listen to my own voice. So just spit it out, Cousin.”

“You have dark magic,” she said reverently. “And you have tons. I’ve never seen sleeves like that. Ever. Not even on my dad.”

“How in the fucking hell do I make them go away?” I demanded, terrified that I would blow us up without even meaning to. I had no idea how I had this magic, what to do with it or how dangerous I was.

“Think good thoughts,” she insisted frantically. “Think of people you love. Now.”

I closed my tired eyes and willed Ethan to appear. I reached for him and he gently ran his hands over my stomach. Our child. Our baby that shouldn’t be, but was—against all odds and reason. I let my mind wander to my nana who was in Heaven and then I floated to my dearest friends, Gemma, Venus, The Kev and Pam… and the tension left my body. The sleeves disappeared. I was calm… I was okay.

I opened my eyes to see a flabbergasted Dixie trembling in the corner of her bathroom.

“What?” I asked.

“What are you?” she asked so quietly I was sure I misunderstood.

“I’m sorry, what?”

“What are you?” she repeated.

I glanced over at myself in the mirror, shrugged my shoulders and laughed humorlessly. “I have no fucking clue, but I’d like you to keep this little episode to yourself if you wouldn’t mind.”

“Not a problem,” she said with a shaky smile. “No one would believe me anyway.”

“Awesome. Now leave so I can shower and then stare at myself. I haven’t seen myself in a while.”

“Will do,” she said, backing out of the bathroom. “Will do.”

Chapter Five

Clean as a whistle and confused as all get out, I sat down in front of the mirror to inspect myself. I traced my reflection and wondered if all Vamps could see themselves in Hell or if I was so freaky I was the only one. I was yanked right out of my pity party by voices. Female voices. Voices I didn’t recognize. Had Dixie told my secret? Had they come to get me and destroy me? Fuck.

“I refuse to accept Einstein’s Snot as my cocktail name,” an angry voice shouted.

“That’s nothing,” another chimed in. “My fucking cocktail name is Hobbit Nipple.”

“You are both imbeciles,” yet another snapped. “Mine is the worst. I’m Rancid Orgasm.”

“But that’s actually fitting,” the first voice squealed with glee.

What in Satan’s name was going on out there? I heard something explode and Dixie scream. I yanked on the sweats that my cousin had left for me and raced from the bathroom to the living room where two very gorgeous women were slapping the fire out of their hair while another supermodel-looking gal laughed hysterically. Dixie stood in the middle, clearly furious with all of them.

“This is exactly why I don’t invite you over here,” she yelled and helped put the fire out on the gals sporting the flames. She raised her hands and water shot from her fingertips, soaking the last of the burning embers from their heads.

“They started it,” the one who had clearly caused the blaze whined.

“If the three of you weren’t addicted to Facebook and playing those stupid name games there would be a lot less fire in Hell,” Dixie snapped at the girls.

“I’m not addicted,” the dry one said, pointing at the unhappy wet ones. “Those slutty cock knobs are.”

“You have some nerve, you dicknose turd waffle,” the wet one on the right screeched.

I watched in shock as the wet one on the left frantically scrolled for something on her phone.

“Got it,” she said and read straight from her phone. “You are a pie-eating fuck clown and a smelly crotch goblin. Take that.”

“Help me, Satan,” Dixie muttered, removing the phone from whom I surmised was one of her sisters. Which Deadly Sins these were I had no clue…

“I’ll take that and do you one better, you tone deaf rectum captain,” the dry one shot back.

“Enough,” Dixie ground out through clenched teeth. “These are disgusting and you all sound like uneducated idiots. I mean really—an insult creator on Facebook? For real? All of you are at least a thousand years old.”

Wow, these chicks were ancient.

“And now that you’ve made asses of yourselves in front of our cousin, let me introduce you.”

Three sets of eyes shot to me and examined me so intensely I grew uncomfortable. Their fascination wasn’t unexpected, but it was loaded. With what? I wasn’t sure.

“Astrid, these are some of my sisters. The two wet ones are Lust and Greed and the dry one is Envy.”

I stood my ground and studied them with the same razor sharp focus that they had leveled at me. I refused to be the first to glance away. Everything here was a game and the price for losing was high.

It was obvious the girls were related, but by no means were they identical. Envy, the dry one, was a stunning brunette with golden cat eyes and a very voluptuous body. Her bosom practically spilled from her top and her curvy figure was one that drove men to kill.

Greed was equally as gorgeous but different. Her locks were auburn, but her eyes matched the others and her body was sleeker and lankier than Envy’s. She had an air about her that dared someone to cross her. I didn’t plan to put that theory to the test. I’d just go with my gut on that one.

Lust… Lust was breathtaking, even soaking wet. Her hair was dark and curly and her lashes defied nature. She was tall and thin, yet curvy in all the right places. Her appeal was immense and I would think she wasn’t often denied anything… ever.

“She’s not all that,” Lust sniffed disdainfully, eyeing me critically.

“Um… yes, she actually is all that and then some,” Envy dismissed Lust’s underwhelming description with a wave of her hand. She circled me and I stood very still, prepared to defend myself and my baby to the death if I had to. These gals were scary and slightly unstable. “You’re gorgeous and crazy powerful, I do believe.”

I stayed quiet. There was no way I was going to be Chatty Cathy with these dangerous women.

“Cat got your tongue, pretty girl?” Greed asked.

“Nope.” I smiled and decided the less I said the more power I would wield. And considering I wasn’t in possession of my Vampyre gifts at the moment and I had no control over my emerging Demon magic, it seemed the smartest move.

Shitshitshit. I quickly scanned the room for my Baby Demons. I did not want these gals to know about them. No trace. Clearly they’d hidden. They were far smarter than I gave them credit for. Part of me worried these Deadly Sins might be a little more appealing to my babies’ palates than Dixie. I grinned as I imagined the clusterfuck that would cause. How would I explain to the Devil that my little buddies had eaten his daughters… My grin disappeared as the gravity of that being any sort of reality set in. Note to self—do not leave Baby Demons alone with Sins. Ever.

“If she doesn’t talk, how will we ever get to know our new cousin?” Lust asked as she glared at me with undisguised hostility. What the hell had I done to her?

“Shut up, you nasty and ungracious bitch,” Envy snapped at her sister. “Astrid, what’s your last name?”

“Um… Porter.”

“Umporter or just Porter?” Greed asked, snatching her phone back from Dixie and scrolling quickly. Envy and Lust crowded her and tried to see the screen.

“Porter.” What were they doing?

“Alrighty then, your Sexy Pet name is Donkey Lips,” Greed informed me.

“Well, that’s just lovely,” I deadpanned. “What’s yours?”

“I’m Smelly Cha-chas,” Greed moaned with disgust.

“Snuggle Cha-cha’s here,” Envy added.

“Bulky Cha-chas,” Lust chimed in angrily. “And little precious Dixie is Honey Cha-cha’s… of course. She even gets good names. It’s just not fair. My cha-chas are far superior to any of yours in this room.”

“Can it, sexy,” Greed told her whiny sister.

“What’s your last name?” I asked all of them. I had no idea the Devil had a last name. I wondered if God did too…

“Syn with a Y,” Dixie said, taking all of her sisters’ phones away from them. I suppose she’d had enough of the Facebook games. I declined to make a comment or a joke about their surname. I didn’t want to get my hair fried.

“So, I hear you need some shoes,” Greed said, reaching into a bag at her feet. “You’re a seven?”

“Yep,” I said, wondering if her shoes were as incredible as Dixie’s. I shouldn’t have worried. She yanked out some Jimmy Choos that made me salivate.

Greed grinned and handed them to me. “It’s nice to see you’re a whore for lovely things. I like a materialistic girl.”

The compliment was somewhat of a slap, but the shoes were hotter than hell. “I’ve been called worse,” I grinned and slipped my feet into the insanely awesome four-inch stilettos. They were amazing and made my legs go on for days. Ethan would love them… My stomach dropped to my toes. What in the hell was I doing getting excited over shoes? Ethan had to be going out of his mind. Time to learn a little more about my heritage so I could get back to my real undead life.

“So Daddy has a big announcement to make tonight,” Envy said, rolling her eyes.

“It’s probably about Astrid’s visit.” Dixie squeezed my hand and gave me a small smile.

“Nope,” Envy cut her off. “He’s been keeping a secret for at least a week. Astrid just got here today. Oh, and Astrid, Wrath can’t wait to meet you! When she heard you killed your parents she was wildly impressed. And just so you know, we all thought your father was an asshole.”

“Good to know,” I muttered and meant it. I would have been screwed if I’d offed a favorite uncle. “Where exactly did he rule down here?”

The silence was long and their eyes were round. Why was that such a difficult question? Then the laughing started. And it went on until they were doubled over on the floor in tears. Dixie was the only one who wasn’t amused.

“Oh, that’s rich,” Lust said, wiping her eyes. “He didn’t rule anything. He was a guard of sorts in the Basement. He was an angry loose cannon.”

Pot. Kettle. Black.

I had no fond feelings for my father—none—but he was my father and Lust’s total disdain for him didn’t sit well with me. Her insults went far deeper than my father. I knew it and she knew it… She couldn’t stand me and the feeling was mutual.

I had to let my anger go before I developed my glittery black sleeves in front of my cousins. Furthermore, I needed to learn a lot more. “So what’s in the Basement?”

“I believe our pretty little cousin needs a History of Hell lesson,” Envy said as she made herself comfortable on Dixie’s couch. “Dixie, you’ve been shirking your duties.”

“No,” I countered. “She’s explained quite a bit. We just hadn’t gotten to the geography section yet.” I wasn’t going to let them come down on Dixie. It seemed that they took far too much pleasure in doing that. “She’s been lovely.”

“Of course she has,” Lust hissed and shoved Dixie to the side as she took her place next to Envy. Greed sat down on the arm of the couch leaving the armchairs for me and Dixie. I sat and waited.

“Wrath and Pride enjoy the Basement.” Greed shuddered. “It’s the lowest level.”

“So there are levels?” I asked and wondered if Dante had gotten some of it right.

“Yes,” Greed nodded, “but if you’re thinking Dante, think again. The man is an idiot. You should have seen his face when he realized how wrong his little work of fiction was. Priceless.”

“Anyhoo,” Envy took over, “the Basement sucks. You know, the Hellfire and brimstone, screaming in agony, burning for eternity Hell. The Hell from the movies… That’s where the most evil go when they die. Those bastards are punished in fire until the end of time. Nobody can give an exact definition on what the end of time actually means. You would assume that my dad or his brother Uncle God would have an idea on that one, but if they do, they’re playing it close to the chest.”

“And my father did what down there?” I asked, sickened by the thought of the Basement.

“He controlled the thermostat,” Lust spat. “He burned people alive, and from everything I’ve heard he enjoyed it.” She stared at me with such contempt my fingers itched to smack her. Thankfully I didn’t. Good ideas in the moment often turned out to be shitty ideas in the long run. The others seemed nonplussed by Lust’s viciousness. I suppose they were used to it or she was like this with everyone. Lovely.

“So he killed people?”

“No. They’re already dead. They’re souls,” Greed explained. “He doled out punishment… ” She paused and glanced at her sisters. Dixie nodded at her. She hesitated but continued. “Demons can’t actually kill. We just siphon energy.”

“My father killed people and his minions killed people.”

Greed sucked in a weary breath. “Your father was an anomaly. A problem—which is why he was relegated to the Basement. He wasn’t supposed to leave, but he was crafty and… well, he was stupid. He had free will just like the rest of us and chose to use it unwisely. You actually did Satan a rather huge favor by killing him. My father would have loved the honor, but as I said… we can’t actually kill. We all have a purpose in the balance between good and evil.”

“What in the hell was his purpose?” I clenched my fists at my sides. This was simply too much information, but I knew I needed to hear it as much as I didn’t want to.

“Possibly to sire you—I’m not sure.”

“Fucking awesome.” I had more questions, but I didn’t know if I wanted the answers. “Did I really kill him? Is he gone for good?”

“Oh, yes,” Envy said. “You did excellent work.”

“I’d say thank you, but I’m not exactly proud of what I did.”

“Now your mother is a different story,” Lust said, enjoying the look of horror on my face at the mention of my mother. “She’s down here. I’d love to take you for a visit.”

“Lust… ” Greed warned. “You have no jurisdiction over those matters. I’d suggest you back off,” she added in a voice that sent chills down my spine.

My mother was here. It wasn’t unexpected. I certainly didn’t expect her to go to Heaven. I searched my heart and realized I felt very little. Had I become hard or had she just beaten any feeling out of me? I assumed she was in the Basement, but I refused to ask. My parentage was so appalling, I just wanted to avoid the topic altogether.

“She’s really quite pretty… well, she was,” Lust purred, making me want to beat her senseless. I was now quite sure my mother was burning in the Basement. I knew she deserved it, but… As much as I couldn’t ratchet up any feelings for my mother, I wanted to destroy anyone who spoke badly of her. I was the only one who was allowed to do that.

“Back to the lesson,” Envy said, cutting off any more input from her nasty sister. “The next level up is the Sub-Basement. The Sub-Basement is for lesser evil souls when they die. There’s fire there too, just not as hot. The lucky humans who reside there weren’t quite bad enough for the Basement, but not quite good enough for Purgatory. I know, many doubt Purgatory, but it exists.”

Dixie piped up. “I’ve been there and trust me, you don’t want to go. It’s boring and beige, it smells stale and they play bad cheesy elevator music 24/7.” She giggled and shuddered. I gave her a smile and Greed nodded her head in agreement.

“Kind of like nails on a chalk board. Too close to Heaven for me,” she said and winked.

I liked Greed. I mean, I wasn’t into greedy people but the girl was funny and a lot nicer than the others.

“Ohhhh, don’t forget about the Rehab Room,” Dixie said.

“Daddy likes to pretend that one doesn’t exist,” Lust laughed. God, she was really beautiful. As much as I didn’t like her it was almost impossible to dismiss her appeal.

“Right,” Dixie agreed. “It’s a room where souls do penance so they can leave Hell and ascend to Purgatory… then possibly Heaven. It’s a major long shot, but there are some who I do think end up down here by mistake. Not that I would share that with my dad—my good report cards are about all he can take. The flip side of that is that some in Purgatory end up becoming violent and have to descend into Hell. Personally, I think the constantly piped in elevator music causes some souls to snap. It would make me want to tear my own head off.”

“Agreed,” Envy said. “And why in the hell are you still getting good report cards? Did you not listen to my lecture on skipping class?”

“I like learning,” Dixie whispered, clearly afraid of ridicule.

“Listen, sweetie,” Greed told her. “You can still learn everything you want. Absorb all of it. I did. You just need to blow your tests—on purpose. It will get Daddy off your back and it’s what’s expected of you. We have a reputation to uphold, dear.”

Greed really was nice, but had a fucked up idea of what was right… Although what did I know? Hell was not my territory and I didn’t want it to be.

“Don’t forget the main floor.” Envy stood up and walked over to me. “That’s where we are now. It’s as big as the United States, but most of the action takes place in the northeast corner in an area about the size of Washington D.C. This is where the Demons live. We’re born in Hell and we are the loyal army of Satan, my dad. Many Demons take the portals back and forth to Earth all the time. Personally, I’d rather stay in Hell with my family no matter how dysfunctional we might be.” She eyed her sisters and they all laughed.

“I like going to Earth,” Lust cooed. “Humans are such a delight to fuck… and so are Vampyres.”

“You’ve slept with a lot of Vampyres?” I asked. I could see Vampyres being attracted to her. I could see almost anything being attracted to her. Although once they got to know her…

“A few.” She laughed and examined me like I was a science project. “I could go for some more Vamp sex. In fact… ”

“Give it a rest,” Envy snapped. “You’re such a slut.”

“Jealous much?” Lust snapped back.

“Enough.” Greed stood up. “It was lovely to meet you, Astrid. We’ll be seeing you at the gathering shortly. Enjoy my shoes and remember, everything comes at a price.” She winked and all three of them disappeared in a flash of glitter and smoke.

“Holy shit,” I muttered looking at Greed’s shoes and wondering what kind of hellish price tag they came with.

“That was nothing,” Dixie said and flopped down on her couch. “They were on good behavior. Just wait till you meet Wrath.”

I glanced over at my cousin and gave her a smile that I was sure resembled a grimace. I had a lot to digest from this little get together and it exhausted me. “I can’t wait. Truly. I can’t fucking wait.”

Chapter Six

The Devil’s estate was called the Dark Palace. From the way Dixie picked at her nail polish on the car ride over made me think being called to the palace wasn’t a good thing. At all.

“The Dark Palace is Daddy’s main residence,” Dixie explained as she ripped off a large intact piece of polish while driving. “I grew up there.”

“Is the weather always so nice?” I asked the most benign question I could think of, wishing I had some of my own polish to rip.

“Yep. Warm, breezy and balmy all year round. We have more varieties of exotic plants and animals than Heaven. That really pisses Uncle God off royally.” She giggled and seemed to relax a bit.

I glanced out the window of the car and took in the beauty. The palace property was loaded with streams, ponds, rolling hills and meadows filled with blindingly colorful wild flowers. Dixie’s bungalow was tucked into the far northwest corner of her father’s land. Her yard boasted huge weeping cherry trees, orchids and scads of bougainvillea. Absolutely beautiful and the total antithesis of what I expected in Hell… although the Basement might cause me to reconsider.

I learned the palace itself sat on forty very manicured acres. It looked like a giant gothic cathedral. It was the grandest castle in the world, including Heaven and everything in between.

“We’re a little early,” Dixie said as she handed her keys to a valet in front of the massive doors of the palace.

I was a bit nervous, but my cousin was a wreck. She was chewing her nails like she hadn’t eaten in a month. “Are you okay?” I whispered and pulled her fingers from her mouth.

She giggled and wrung her hands. “I’m just a little nervous that my dad is going to hand down my punishment for feeding the hungry humans tonight.”

“Surely he wouldn’t do that at such a public event.”

“You don’t know my dad.”

Shit—and I really didn’t want to.

Dixie had dressed with care. Her very fitted Prada cocktail dress was the bomb and her Lanvin stilettos were the stuff my dreams were made of. I knew I was no slouch either. The Stella McCartney rocked and Greed’s shoes capped it off perfectly. I suppose if I had to be in Hell it was nice to dress up in clothes that equaled my entire salary as an art teacher for two years…

Of course the jewelry my cousin had lent me made me a bit uncomfortable. From the size of the rocks in my ears I’d assumed they were fake… Never assume. That makes an ass out of you and me. To my horror they were real. Six freakin’ carats in each ear. I was wearing a house—a really nice one. I tried to take them off, but Dixie insisted I wear them and informed me I’d be keeping them… as a gift from her and her father. She was in for a rude awakening because she was getting them back. I couldn’t even imagine the price that would go along with that gift.

As our Jimmy Choos and Lanvins clicked on the fieldstone tiles that led to the huge carved teak door, I jerked to an abrupt halt.

“What the fuck?” I gasped. Two of the most vicious looking animals flanked the door and watched us with beady little yellow eyes. I was so not walking past that.

“What?” Dixie asked with alarm.

“Those things,” I said under my breath, just in case they understood English. “Those things look hungry… and pissed off.”

“Oh, the Hell Hounds?” Dixie laughed and leaned in close. “You can’t tell a soul, but the Hell Hounds are just big ugly puppies with razor sharp fangs and claws. I love them and they love me. Those two are my favorites, General George Patton and Bambi. They slept in my room until I moved out of the Palace a couple of years ago.”

“For real?” I asked doubtfully. They did not look anything like puppies to me. “What in the hell do they eat?”

“Cheese pizza.” She giggled. “I want to go love on them, but Daddy would be furious if word got out that the Hell Hounds were big cuddly, slobbery babies. I don’t mean to imply they’re wimps—if anyone even looked at me, my sisters or Hell forbid, my dad sideways, the Hell Hounds would kill them in two seconds flat. Other than that, they’re sweet.”

“Awesome,” I said, still not moving.

“Come to think of it, they’ll automatically protect you too.”

“Right.”

“No, they will. You and I have the same blood. We’re related. They can tell.”

General George and Bambi purred as we passed. I instantly relaxed. Dixie giggled and blew them covert kisses, bumping into Bambi on purpose. I gently ran my hand over General George’s head. His fur was soft and silky and he smelled like brownies. Who was I to judge things by the way they looked? I was in love with my Baby Demons and they were definitely not winning any prizes in the looks department, but they were beautiful to me. I glanced back at the Hell Hounds and they both gave me a slobbery smile and a quick wink. Of course I made friends with the weirdos…

I took a deep breath and followed Dixie inside. My pace was slow, but I felt like I was walking to the guillotine.

A very well put together woman clad head to toe in designer Chanel made a beeline for us.

“Dang it,” Dixie moaned. “That’s Daddy’s new consort. What is her name?” Dixie’s fingers flew back into her mouth. “It’s something like Sandra or Miranda or… crap, I’m sure it ends in an A.”

“Hello Dixie,” the consort ending in A said while ignoring me completely. She was dressed to the nines and she was short. Even with her four inches heels, she was still a good deal shorter than both me and my cousin, but then again, we were on the tall side. I had a tough time seeing what Lucifer saw in this gal. I would assume he could have his pick of anyone. She was definitely pretty in a blonde Barbie doll kind of way. She did have big boobs and a nice backside, but she was a mean Demon. My Baby Demons would definitely find her appetizing… Note to self: leave Babies at Dixie’s while in Hell. This one, whatever her name was, seemed smart. Mean and smart. Well, not so much smart as sly and greedy. She eyed my ears with great interest.

“Those are lovely earrings,” she purred, addressing me and the rocks in my ears that could feed a small country. She made a lovely face as if I either smelled bad or she was in serious pain.

“Yep.” I grinned, then sniffed the air around her and gagged.

She pressed her overly enhanced lips together and decided to ignore me again. Fine with me. She rolled her eyes and stared daggers at Dixie.

“Oh, right,” Dixie stammered. “This is my cousin Astrid. Astrid this is, um… this is… ”

“Amanda,” she hissed. “My name is Amanda.”

“I knew that.” Dixie smiled at her. “And I have to agree with you, Astrid’s earrings are lovely. They’re a present from my dad.”

“My, my, my,” Amanda choked out. “Such a lovely gift for one so distantly related… and a Vampyre to boot.”

Dixie shifted uncomfortably back and forth on her stilettos, but I’d had enough of the icky Amanda. I flashed her some fang and smacked my lips together hungrily. She was gone in a heartbeat.

“That was awesome.” Dixie giggled and hugged me tight. “I can’t stand her. I hope Daddy doesn’t keep that one around for long. I preferred Kitty, the last consort. She was as dumb as a box of hair, but she was a great cook and she smelled like honeysuckle.”

I really had nothing to add to that.

“Hey Dixie. Hey Astrid.” Myrtle, the bizarre little gal from the therapy session, ran up to us and slapped me on the back with such force I almost hit the deck. Holy Hell, she was strong.

“Sorry,” she muttered and grinned sheepishly. She wore a black tracksuit with black Pumas on her skinny little body. Her hair was pulled away from her face. She had a pretty face. I hadn’t noticed that earlier. “This place gives me the heebees,” she said. “No offense, Dixie. I know it’s your dad’s crib and all, but damn.”

“None taken.” She laughed and hugged Myrtle. “Thank you.”

“For what?” Myrtle was confused.

“For being you.”

“Oh, okay,” she said. “Hey, do I...um, look alright?” she asked. Her face turned blotchy red in embarrassment.

“You look great,” I told her. Dixie nodded in agreement. “I didn’t realize how pretty you were until tonight with your hair away from your face.”

“Oh.” Myrtle was speechless. She looked like a fragile little girl and I felt an overwhelming need to protect her. Great… now I wanted to protect Demons? Home. Soon.

“Hey, um...” she continued, abruptly changing the subject, “is there a john around here? I’ve gotta take a leak.”

“Yes,” my cousin said, trying not to laugh. I sucked my bottom lip into my mouth to keep from giggling. Myrtle really was quite disgusting. “Go down that hall and you’ll find several johns.”

“Thanks.” The little Demon wandered off with a spring in her step and a new air of confidence about her.

Dixie took my hand and we made our way through the foyer. The foyer of the palace was tremendous. A huge curved marble staircase dominated the enormous space. The ceilings were three stories high with violent religious frescos painted on them.

“Oh my God.” I was shocked at how many works of art I recognized. “The paintings. Are they copies?”

“Nope. Real,” Dixie told me. “Quite a few famous artists have spent time in Hell. Some because they deserved it and others came for a visit out of curiosity. A couple of the visitors have chosen to stay on the main floor in Hell much to our Uncle God’s dismay. Apparently unless you’re burning in the Basement, Hell is a lot more fun than Heaven.”

“Huh,” I said, still shocked by the sheer amount of priceless art everywhere. “What the hell is hanging in the museums on Earth?”

“Forgeries.”

I thought the Vampyres were opulent… they had nothing on Satan. Thick burgundy red brocade curtains rained down from the windows that were at least thirty feet high. The curtains boasted heavy golden fringe and masterpieces dotted the creamy ivory walls. A mix of my favorites—van Gogh, Goya, Basquiat, Botacelli. And to my utter amazement—Da Vinci’s Mona Lisa. Clearly the one I’d seen in the Louvre was a fake. Much to my chagrin, I realized I was not so discretely grooving to Lovin’, Touchin’, Squeezin’… WTF?

“Dixie, what’s the deal with Journey?” I asked, pressing my hands to my sides so I didn’t raise them over my head and sway.

“Daddy loves Journey. You could say he’s obsessed. He can’t wait till they all die and he can have his own personal Journey concerts in Hell. He was heartbroken when Steve Perry quit the band. He didn’t come out of his suite for a month.”

Wait. What? That was just weird. So weird I didn’t know what to say. Hell had rendered me speechless several times in one day. Ethan would be impressed. My gut clenched at the thought of what he must be going through. I wondered if there was a way to communicate with him. Were there phone lines to Earth? Would Satan let me use one? Would Dixie? Would Myrtle?

The foyer was full of Demons, from the most high ranking, who were sipping expensive champagne, to the lowliest, who were serving it. I didn’t see my Uncle Satan anywhere, but I did catch Amanda the consort greeting guests as if she owned the place. Gross.

“Thank Beelzebub, Cole is on her,” Dixie muttered as she snagged two champagnes for us.

“What do you mean?” I asked, staring stupidly at the glass in my hand. Did I try to take a sip? Could I eat down here? I could breathe and see myself…

“The man tailing Amanda, the wanking bitch, is my dad’s second in command, Cole. I’m glad that someone who has my father’s ear can see what an opportunistic skank she is.”

“Right,” I said, still eyeballing my glass.

“Drink it, it’s wonderful champagne. Daddy has the finest vineyard on all the planes of existence.”

“That’s lovely, but I’m a Vampyre. I drink blood, not grape juice.”

“Okay, ewww, but you’re a Demon too and you’re in Hell. Try it.”

I lifted the glass to my lips feeling like I was somehow betraying my Vampyre heritage, but when in Hell… Forcing a bright smile I took a sip and it tasted like ass. Not that I knew what ass tasted like, but it was bad, stinky and gross and I couldn’t have been happier. There was still some Vamp in me. I spit the offending liquid back into the glass and grinned.

“Bad?” Dixie laughed.

“Very,” I choked out.

“And that makes you happy why?”

“Because I haven’t totally lost myself.”

“I don’t get it, but I’m glad you’re happy. Come on, let’s get this evening over with.”

“Lead on, dear cousin.”

Chapter Seven

The Grand Ballroom was even more ornate than the Foyer. The marble floors were encrusted with precious gemstones; rubies, sapphires, emeralds, and diamonds and ten of the most gorgeous crystal chandeliers I’d ever seen spilled down from the ceilings. It was waaay over the top in my book, but Demons clearly enjoy the sparkly.

I was guessing by the looks of things that everyone who was anyone in Hell was here and I had a bad feeling that I was going to be part of the festivities. The covert pointing and whispering didn’t help. They made me feel like a freak. Speaking of, I spotted Carl and… Sweet Baby Cousin Jesus, was that Janet? Carl had his arm around the most delicately pretty woman I’d seen in Hell yet. She wasn’t a knockout like Dixie and her sisters, but she was a timeless beauty.

She was small with a Cupid’s bow mouth, glittering gold eyes, rounded pink cheeks and a gorgeous mane of chestnut hair. The only giveaway were her stubby little fingers. I recognized those from the therapy session earlier. She wore a simple black dress and flats and looked extremely uncomfortable and insecure. Carl kept his arm tightly around her and growled at any male Demon that even glanced Janet’s way.

“Dixie, look. There’s Carl and Janet,” I said, pulling her to a stop so she could see.

“Oh my Hell,” she gasped. “She’s beautiful without the beard and stache.”

They were too far away for us to call out and I quickly lost sight of them as more Demons filed into the Grand Ballroom.

“Follow me, we’ll find them later,” Dixie instructed as we moved to an area near a gothic three story stained glass window that was reserved for Lucifer’s family. I spotted Greed, Envy, Lust and four others who had to be the rest of the Sins. They were stupidly gorgeous and waving us over. My gait slowed.

“Don’t worry, Astrid. They have to behave here,” Dixie said, pulling my reluctant body toward the Seven Deadly Sins.

“Did you know when a male octopus finds his mate he rips his own penis off and throws it at her? She then inseminates herself and he grows another one,” Envy told her sisters, much to their disgust. “Oh Astrid, you look to die for,” she gushed.

“Already dead,” I replied, hoping she was done with her sea creature sex stories. My response elicited laughter from my gaggle of dangerous cousins.

“Isn’t she lovely, girls?” Envy asked, looking directly at Lust who turned away in anger. What was that about?

A breathtaking blonde eyed me with interest. She had the same eyes and build as her sisters, but her coloring was vastly different. “I’ve been waiting for you,” she said in a voice that was even more hypnotic than her father’s. “I’m Wrath.”

I stood and stared mutely at her. She was one powerful Demon. Wrath stood and approached. Every instinct I had was to step back, but I held my ground. Being tested repeatedly in Hell was wearing me out.

“Nice to meet you, Wrath.” I held out my hand, but she took me in her arms and laid a big wet one dangerously close to my mouth. Alrighty then. Her arms around my body were drenched in magic—strong magic. “You are very powerful,” she whispered in my ear, sending shivers of sheer terror down my spine. “It’s good to have you here.”

“Um, thanks,” I said, extricating myself and moving away. I knew I may have lost a few points by moving out of lip range, but I had no intention of making out with my Cousin Wrath.

“Did you realize that huge penises were thought to be disgusting in Ancient Greece? That’s why all the statues are sporting itty bitty marble man junk,” Envy said, reading straight from her phone.

“Give me the phone before I zap it and shove it up your ass,” one of the sisters I hadn’t been introduced to said. It had to be Gluttony, Pride or Sloth… I was betting on Sloth. Although beautiful, she was a wrinkled mess and looked as if she’d just rolled out of bed.

“That’s Sloth,” Dixie said, confirming my guess. Sloth grinned and nodded. “And the other two are Pride and Gluttony.” All three girls had varying shades of dark brown hair and golden eyes. They were identical for all intents and purposes, only little things made them differ. It was difficult to tell them apart except for Sloth’s sloppiness. “They’re triplets,” Dixie added.

“Wow.” It was all I could think of to say. This was a whole new world of strange. I was a bit overwhelmed by my new family and not in a warm and fuzzy way.

“So Dixie,” Greed said with her hands clasped in excitement. “I think you’re going to be assigned tonight.”

“But I’m too young,” she gasped. She grabbed my arm so tightly I was sure a bone would snap. Her dismay and fear were so evident that I stayed still and let her maim me. I was a Vamp. I’d heal.

“Oh, honey child, I was fourteen when I got assigned,” Greed laughed and kissed her forehead.

What the hell did assigned mean? Clearly Dixie wasn’t on board with it.

“That was eight hundred years ago,” Dixie said.

“You’re twenty,” Envy chimed in, “and for whatever reason, Daddy thinks you’re going to come into a bunch of power very soon.”

“Wouldn’t it be better if I was at home when my powers emerged?” my sweet and terrified cousin asked.

“Nope.” Envy smiled and ran her beautifully manicured hand down Dixie’s cheek. “There are things happening that need to be dealt with and Daddy thinks you’re the gal to do it.”

Dixie was on the verge of tears and I was sure my arm would never be the same. I was tempted to ask what they were talking about, but I was afraid if I opened my mouth I would scream in pain.

“I haven’t had much training and I suck at being a Demon,” Dixie said desperately.

“Oh baby,” Sloth cooed, pulling her close and thankfully disengaging her from my arm. “You’re a beautiful Demon. None of us were trained before we were assigned. Lucifer believes in on-the-job training. You can’t conquer the world without failing miserably first, sweetie.”

“What if all I do is fail?” she whispered.

“You won’t, my darling.” Wrath smiled and gave her baby sister a quick hug.

“Of course you can bring your imaginary friend,” Lust said and elbowed Pride with glee. Dixie blushed a deep red and stared at the floor. She certainly seemed a little old for an imaginary friend, but who was I to judge? Growing up in Hell surrounded by nightmare inducing siblings had to be hard.

“Shut up, Lust. Stop being a bitch.” Wrath turned on Lust so quickly the air around us cooled. Lust closed her mouth and stared daggers at her sister. “You do not want to fuck with me,” Wrath hissed, advancing on Lust.

“Enough,” Greed snapped and separated her sisters before they had a go at each other. If this was good behavior, I would hate to see the alternative.

“Ohhhh, here he comes,” Sloth said, causing all to stand at attention.

A hush fell over the room as Satan entered. His beauty was absurd. Demons were an extraordinary looking race, but Satan put all to shame. His black Armani suit fit to perfection and he wore his black silk shirt open at the neck. It wasn’t just his looks, it was his aura—something intangible. Sheer unadulterated power. It was obvious by the reaction in the room that he instilled rabid loyalty, adoration and fear. He was beloved by his people and despised by his enemies. And he clearly loved being in charge.

“Good evening, my Demons,” Satan laughed, showing even white teeth and dimples that brought women to their knees. My cousin Greed snuck up behind me, poked me in the ribs and made a gagging sound as all the women in the room swooned over her father—my uncle. I stifled my grin and watched the drama unfold.

“Greed,” Dixie whispered in a panic, “am I getting assigned because I sent money to feed humans?”

“Of course not,” Greed whispered back. “Now hush.”

She did.

“Welcome my people,” the Devil’s voice boomed through the Grand Ballroom. His second in command, Cole, stood on his right and the skanky consort Amanda stood on his left.

“That’s certainly new,” Envy said under her breath.

“What’s new?” I asked, looking around. Dumb question because everything was new to me, but I was curious and Envy was approachable… kind of.

“I’ve never known a consort to stand so close to him at a public event. She has some big balls.” Envy glanced around at her sisters who were watching their father and mistress with great concern.

“Tonight is a night for celebration.” He grinned and my breath caught. His beauty was ridiculous. “My consort carries my child and she tells me it’s a son.”

A gasp went through the crowd and my cousins froze. A giant wave of applause engulfed the ballroom.

“How is that possible?” Wrath hissed. “He’s never sired a son. Only daughters.”

“I don’t know,” Envy shrugged in confusion.

“Is it his?” Sloth asked.

“If it’s not, she’s dead.” Lust laughed. “Personally I hope it’s not. I can’t stand that bitch.”

Amanda smiled at the crowd and rubbed her yet to pop belly. Damn, as much as I didn’t like her, I had to agree with Lust. Amanda was gross. The crowd eyed the consort with distrust. The applause continued, but there was much speculative whispering. She moved to Satan and put her arms around him, trying to establish ownership, but apparently that was a little premature for one who had not yet borne him a child. My uncle peeled her off and walked away, leaving her humiliated and alone.

“Is this how it was when I was conceived?” Dixie asked her sisters.

“No, we didn’t know anything about you till Daddy brought you to Hell when you were three years old.”

“Where was I for my first three years?”

“Probably with your imaginary friend.” Lust laughed at her cruel joke.

“Why don’t you leave her alone,” I snapped. I’d had just about enough of her and her shitty attitude. Dixie had just learned something shocking she never knew before.

“Why don’t you make me,” she shot back. Her eyes turned red and dark magic seeped out of her. I knew my own eyes turned green and I itched to take her out.

“My pleasure.” I stepped toward her.

“While I’d love to see Astrid kick your skinny ass,” Wrath grinned, “now is not the time or place.”

We both backed off, but this was far from over.

“We don’t know where you were,” Greed told Dixie, ignoring the fact that a girl fight had just been averted. “But we’re happy you’re ours.”

“I wonder if Amanda got the memo that once you bear Satan’s child that he kicks your ass to the curb.” Pride muttered and straightened her immaculate hair.

“Clearly big fake lipped and fake boobed Amanda doesn’t think that applies to her since she plans to blow out a boy,” Wrath said thoughtfully.

“You do realize that her Sexy Pet name is Donkey Nipples,” Envy grunted, trying not to laugh. I bit down on my lip and held my own laughter in. I suppose it was good they were funny considering they were as dangerous as all get out.

“Yes, that had occurred to me.” Greed giggled and high fived her sister. “I dare you to call her that,” she challenged.

“I’ll do it,” I said with pure immature bravado, imagining the horrified look on Amanda’s face. “Wait… can I get killed for that?”

“No,” Wrath said. “You are a guest. We don’t have guests killed very often.”

“Good to know,” I mumbled and wondered why I offered to put my head on the chopping block. Did I want them to like me? Was I so desperate for a family that I would risk my life to make them laugh… Apparently yes. I needed to get out of here. I had a much nicer, if slightly unstable family on Earth.

“Holy shit,” Gluttony gasped. It was the first time I heard her speak and it was like music. “Did you realize that the main characters in Sponge Bob Square Pants were based on us?” She was of course on Facebook. The sheer irony…

“Who am I? Patrick?” Sloth asked with a huge grin.

“Yep,” Gluttony told her. “And I’m Gary.”

“Am I Plankton?” Wrath asked.

“Nope, you’re Squidward. Greed is Mr. Crabs, Envy is Plankton, Pride is Sandy and Lust is Sponge Bob,” Gluttony sputtered.

“How in the living Hell am I Sponge Bob?” Lust demanded. “There isn’t one sexy thing about Sponge Bob.”

“Don’t know, sexy pants, but that’s what Facebook says, so it’s true.”

“Bullshit,” Lust griped. “Facebook sucks.”

“Quiet, Daddy’s not finished dropping bombs.” Envy shushed her sisters.

“He’s losing his fucking mind,” Wrath hissed with disgust.

“I couldn’t agree more,” Lust added.

Were they serious? Was Lucifer insane? If he was, what did that mean for me? Would I ever get out of Hell if he’d lost his marbles? Shitshitdamnshit. I moved stealthily behind Wrath and Lust just in case they had anymore nuggets of wisdom to impart. I needed to be armed with everything and anything I could learn.

“Another reason I have called you here tonight is to celebrate my beautiful daughter Dixie.”

The Demonic crowd went wild. She may not be evil, but she was certainly well liked. Satan held his hand out to her and she went to him like a moth to a flame. His magic filled the room and his power was undeniable. If he had gone crazy we were all in for a hell of a ride.

“It is your turn to be assigned,” he told Dixie. “You shall transport to Earth in six months and serve me well.”

Dixie’s chin dropped to her chest and her shoulders slumped forward. I barely heard her whisper, “Yes, Father.”

Two large fingers lifted her chin, forcing her to meet his gaze. “This is not a punishment,” he said quietly, “it’s your birth rite and your duty.”

“I know, Daddy,” she replied, “and I’m honored to serve you.”

“You have no idea who you are yet,” he told her.

“Would you like to give me a hint?” Dixie gave him a lopsided smile. A wash of light laughter went through the crowd of Demons watching the exchange between Satan and his daughter.

“It’s not my way to pave a path of ease,” he said. “I fear I may have done too much for you already.”

“I would quite agree with that,” Amanda hissed under her breath.

Oops, guess Amanda didn’t get the memo about Satan’s super duper mega hearing skills. His body stiffened in rage and his power and anger bounced off the walls of the Grand Ballroom. The crowd of Demons gasped in delight, dying for a bloody showdown. I couldn’t help that I hoped he would destroy her as well. I felt a strong strand of magic and power jolt through my body as I owned my evil thoughts about Amanda. It felt good—entirely too good.

The Devil slowly turned to his consort and with a deadly calm ground out, “You will never interrupt me when I am talking to one of my children. Ever again.”

Amanda blanched and dropped to her knees. Satan stared at her for a moment as a snicker went through the crowd of Demons. She trembled with fury. Her fisted hands pressed to her sides were a sure giveaway. She was an idiot of epic proportions.

“She had better have a boy and it better be his or Amanda is toast,” Greed snickered.

Satan raised his eyes to the room, clearly dismissing his furious consort. “Who will accompany my prized daughter Dixie to Earth in six months? Who will earn my favor by risking their immortality for a Child of Lucifer?”

The crowd murmured and looked around to see who was brave enough or stupid enough to go with her.

All of what I assumed to be Satan’s generals including his second, Cole, stepped forward immediately. That was to be expected and Satan nodded his approval. What came next I didn’t expect.

“Who of my people will pose as a family for my daughter so she may continue her education and embarrass me with her appallingly high grades?” He grinned at Dixie. A giggle escaped her lips and she blushed. Methinks he might be just a little bit proud of her brains…

“I will protect her,” I heard a familiar male voice shout, “and tho will my Mate.”

“I too will lay down my life for the Demon Princess Dixie,” another familiar voice added.

WTF? I turned to see Carl, Janet and Myrtle standing in front of Satan. He stepped menacingly toward Dixie’s therapy group and much to my great surprise, they held their ground.

“Why,” he bellowed, “should I let my prize go with three Demons who are not evil?”

“Because we will not betray you or Dixie,” Myrtle told Satan without batting an eyelash. “And with all due respect, you know full well we are evil, we’re just a little out of practice.” Myrtle was on a roll as she straightened her tracksuit and pulled on a piece of her hair. “We are as evil as any Demon in the room, but we also feel compassion. Which quite honestly makes us far more dangerous to an enemy and more useful to you than a Demon who is only out for himself.” She rocked back and forth on her black Pumas and waited.

Satan laughed. He laughed hard. The Devil was so beautiful when he laughed I had to struggle to breathe. His allure was alarming—not sexual, but addictive. He picked up a shocked Myrtle in his huge hands and kissed her. First her left cheek and then her right. She blushed a furious red and looked down at the floor.

“Yes,” he said, his melodic voice still coated with mirth. “You are right, Myrtle, Keeper of Secrets. You, Carl the Destroyer and Janet the Atrocity Maker will go with my child. Kneel to me,” he commanded and they did. He laid his hands on each of them and they shuddered as a glittering black mist wafted over them.

“What just happened?” I asked Envy.

“He made them stronger,” she replied.

Satan glanced over and crooked his finger at me. His charm was magnetic and I drifted to him in the same way Dixie had. The crowd began to murmur with fear and displeasure as I approached my uncle. I held my head high and ignored the dissent around me.

“This is my niece, Astrid,” Satan bellowed, effectively ending the chatter. Every eye in the house was trained on me. “She is a Demon and a Vampyre. She is the Chosen One of the Vampyre lore. She is my guest and will be treated with utmost respect. She has the ability to kill and has done us a great service.”

Oh shit, did they not know that I killed my daddy? How was that going to go over?

“She has eliminated my brother and for that I am most grateful.”

The crowd gasped and dropped to their knees. If this was for me, Satan or my dead evil pappy, I was unsure.

“Is he gone for good?” A Demon yelled from the crowd.

“Oh, yes.” Satan laughed and embraced me. “He was eaten.”

“She ate her father?” someone else yelled.

I gagged and almost threw up in my mouth a bit at the thought.

“No, she did not, but that is her story to tell if she wishes.”

I glanced at my uncle, grateful that he didn’t out my Baby Demons. I was sure that if he knew my dad had been eaten, he was aware I had instructed my Baby Demons to do it. I did not want them to be a target. The applause started slowly, but crescendoed into a deafening roar. Well, my dad definitely didn’t have any friends in Hell. Nice.

“I think it’s an abomination to host a bloodsucker,” Amanda said, stepping forward. She held her head high and her bulbous lips settled in an unattractive sneer.

“Is that so, my consort?” Satan asked, enjoying her hostility. His arm tightened around me, but for all intents and purposes he looked completely relaxed to the crowd.

“Yes,” she said and coyly batted her eyelashes at him. “She is below us and doesn’t belong here.”

“Interesting. Would you like to challenge her?” he asked.

Challenge me to what?

Amanda blanched and glanced around the room looking for support. A fairly large number of Demons clapped, the rest watched warily. I tried to catalog some of her supporters. They were possibly the ones who would happily lead me to a portal if my presence was such a blight on the community.

“If I wasn’t with child, I would destroy her,” she hissed.

I’d had enough between Lust and the cheap silicone floozy insulting me. I didn’t want to be here and it was quite obvious I wasn’t wanted. There was no way in hell I would reveal that I was with child too, but her cakehole needed to be shut. “Well first of all, Pamela… whoops, I meant Donkey Nipples, although I could level your ass with my eyes shut I don’t think I’d have too much fun, but I’d love to take you out after you give birth, so please by all means pencil me in.”

“My name is Amanda,” she ground out through clenched teeth.

“That’s what I said.” I grinned when I saw all my cousins from Hell giving me the thumbs up.

“Enough,” Satan insisted, but his eyes glittered with amusement. “My consort shouldn’t be upset.” He released me and took her in his arms. She melted into him and he whispered something in her ear that made her purr like a kitten. She sauntered back and took her place near Cole smiling like a Cheshire cat.

“So,” my scarily beautiful uncle told his people, “Astrid is to learn the ways of her people. We are indebted to her and shall treat her accordingly.”

I glanced over the crowd. They weren’t pleased, but it didn’t seem that there was going to be a riot. No one was stupid enough to cross Satan. With a nod from my uncle, I went back to my cousins.

“Enough with formalities,” Satan shouted to his adoring crowd. “Let the party begin.”

The Demons surged the area where Satan stood, trying to get a word or a touch in. He was a god to them. A living, breathing, beautiful, evil god.

“That was outstanding,” Wrath said, coming in for another lip lock. Thankfully Dixie pulled me into a non-sexual hug and I escaped Wrath’s lovin’.

“She hates you,” Greed said. “Look at her.”

Sure enough Amanda was sneering at me, her teeth bared in what I guessed to be blatant Demon aggression. I smiled and winked. She turned an unattractive mottled red and mouthed, “You’re dead.”

“Did she just threaten my life?” I asked Wrath who was watching with great interest.

“I believe she did,” Wrath answered. “What ever shall you do about it?”

Killing her was out of the question. Too many witnesses, plus I was working without my Vamp powers and she was pregnant. But wait—when in Hell… I let Amanda’s anger and discontent wash over me and I absorbed it. A strong wave of dark magic ripped through me and it felt good. I glanced over at Lust and let my body take in her ire too. This was almost too easy. My fingers tingled and I saw the black glitter covering them. Could I do it? Should I do it? I may as well try something small to figure out if I could protect myself in real danger.

I raised my fingers and pointed at Amanda’s overly blown up sneering lips and I flicked. I watched my magic, a gorgeous mist of black glitter, travel from my fingertips to her mouth...and it popped. I popped her enhanced lips and they deflated like a flat tire. She looked ridiculous and I laughed. She quickly slapped her hand over her mouth and shrieked.

Satan turned his attention to her. “What’s wrong?” he snapped impatiently.

“Nothing,” she said from behind her hand, staring daggers at me. “I bit my lip, excuse me.” She left. Quickly.

“What was that about?” Satan turned to where we were huddled laughing. We all shrugged innocently, but his gaze narrowed in on me. Holy Hell he was magnetic. To hide my fear and guilt, I smiled and waved. Thankfully his attention was demanded by his people and I was safe—for the moment.

“Brilliant,” Greed congratulated me. The rest looked on with approval.

“The sheer fact that you called her Donkey Nipples makes me love you,” Pride offered dryly. “You’re alright with me.”

Dixie squeezed my hand and grinned. I was fitting in with the Seven Deadly Sins and it felt good. Was this what it was like to have sisters?

“Has Astrid met Grandpa yet?” Sloth inquired as we began to head out.

“We have a grandpa?” Help me Cousin Jesus. I couldn’t imagine he was going to be delighted that I’d offed his son.

“Oh, yes,” Sloth told me, clenching her teeth like she was talking to a puppy or a baby. “You’ll love him. Why isn’t he here?” she asked her sisters.

“Because there are too many of us present. Besides, he’s still recovering from the broken ribs and concussion you gave him,” Gluttony snapped.

“You broke his collarbone last month,” Sloth countered nastily.

WTF? They beat up their grandpa?

“Whatever. He heals.”

Groping with the thought of these gals performing a smackdown on their grandpa, I revised my thoughts about having sisters.

Chapter Eight

The party had been interesting but exhausting. Most of the Demons kept their distance, but a few adventurous Minions of the Devil offered up their necks and begged to find out if being bitten was as sexual as they’d been led to believe. I politely declined and stuck close to my cousins. Not that I really wanted to hang out with the Facebook addicted freaks, but everyone gave them a wide berth due to the simple fact that they were scarier than Hell itself and they were using the Facebook Insult Creator to all in their path. My favorite of the evening was Dicknose Boner Socket. I would store that one for future use.

Uncle Satan held court with scads of fawning women. His magic and power filled the room to the point I almost felt claustrophobic at times. Amanda never came back. I idly wondered if they had plastic surgeons in Hell or if she’d have to take a trip to Earth to fix her kisser. Next time I’d pop her boobs.

“So why did your sisters beat up your grandpa?” I asked. Curled up on Dixie’s couch with a borrowed pair of comfy sweats, I was much happier than I’d been a short hour ago.

She giggled. “They didn’t beat him up. He’s just so adorable that they get overexcited and squeeze him too hard.”

“I’m sorry, what?”

“It’s difficult to explain. You’ll get it when you meet him.”

“Look, here’s the thing, I’m not staying around much longer so if you want me to meet Grandpa and Grandma you should call them and invite them over.”

Dixie blanched and put her hand over my mouth. “Sweet Baby Satan, do not mention grandma. Don’t even whisper about her. The last time she was here Daddy had to rebuild his entire mansion.”

“Your, um… the person married to your Grandpa knocked down your dad’s monster party house?”

“Yes.”

“I was joking,” I said, trying to wrap my head around the kind of power Grandma must have.

“I wasn’t.” Dixie shuddered and peered fearfully around her living room.

“Is she here?” I asked, worried that I’d conjured up something better left alone.

“No, but she can hear everything.”

“Demons can hear everything?” I gasped and looked under the couch. Fuck, Dixie was making me nervous.

“She’s not a Demon.” She giggled, but didn’t let her guard down. She searched the room carefully.

“What the hell is she then?” What else was in my bloodline besides Vampyre and Demon?

“Shhh,” Dixie said, rushing to her window. “No more or she’ll hear us and that would suck beyond anything you could imagine.”

Her fear was real and my curiosity was piqued. Was my grandma on my daddy’s side as heinous as my mother? My mother was here in Hell… A stupid, pathetic and needy part of me wanted to see her, but I assumed she was in the Basement and that could be an image thousands of years of therapy would be unable to erase. The simple fact that I still wanted her love to me was mind-boggling. However, since I’d been the one who killed her and inadvertently sent her to the Basement, I knew that wouldn’t bode well for a mommy-daughter get together.

“Okay, relax your crack,” I told her. “Let’s talk about me getting out of here before my mate takes it upon himself to come and get me.”

“He can’t,” Dixie said, still staring out of the window.

“What do you mean?” My heart sank and I placed my hands over my secret inside my tummy. Without my power, I suppose I somehow thought Ethan would be able to save me.

“Vampyres can’t exist in Hell. Wait, I think they can survive for a couple of days, but I can’t remember how many.”

I jumped up and yanked her away from the window. “What would happen to a Vampyre in Hell and why isn’t it happening to me?”

“Astrid, you’re half Demon—you’re fine,” she said reassuringly. “But a pure Vampyre will suffer a brutal death down here.”

“What happens? Is it at the hands of the Demons?”

“No, Demons can’t kill.”

“Bullshit,” I hissed. “My father was a Demon and he killed so cut the crap about how sweet and harmless you people are.” I paced the room. I had to move or I would burst. I wanted to crawl out of my skin. I wanted to go home. I needed Ethan.

“You’re one of us,” she whispered, backing away.

“No. I’m not,” I shot back, getting angrier by the second.

“Look at your arms.”

Lifting my hands in front of me, I gasped. The black sparkling gloves were back which meant the place could blow any second.

“Son of a… ” I muttered and quickly shut my eyes and pulled images of people I loved to the forefront of my mind. It was harder this time. The glitter crawled up my arms and began to cover my chest. Ethan, Nana, Gemma. Not working… Pam, The Kev, Venus. It crept higher and I felt the warm dark magic on my neck. The problem was that it felt good. I liked it. I wanted it. No. No, the darkness didn’t own me. I owned it. Motherfucker… My baby. My beautiful sweet little boy. I pictured a perfect tiny replica of Ethan and the heat that tried to control my body began to recede.

“You’re amazing,” Dixie said. “How did you do that?”

“Which part?” I asked, making sure my evil gloves were gone.

“Either.”

“Not sure,” I told her. “Although it seems to have something to do with getting pissed off.”

“Can you absorb evil and anger around you?”

“I did at the party. That’s how I popped Amanda’s lips.”

“Which by the way was awesome.” Dixie grinned and I joined her.

“Thank you. Dixie, have you ever heard the walls talk?”

“Are you making fun of me because I have an imaginary friend—who, by the way, isn’t imaginary?” she huffed.

“No.” I decided to ignore the imaginary friend thing. “The walls were talking when I first got to Hell at your dad’s.”

“That’s odd. I’ve never heard that.”

“Must have imagined it,” I said, knowing full well that I hadn’t.

“Well, I’ll listen harder next time I go to the Dark Palace. That’s really kind of neat. Anyway, I’m going to bed. The second door on the left is your bedroom. Do you need anything? You haven’t really eaten anything,” she said, worrying her lip. “Do you need to bite me or something?”

“Or something,” I muttered, wondering how long I could go without blood. I was unsure what Demon blood would do to me and wasn’t willing to chance it and find out. “No, I’m fine… for now.”

“Okay.” She hesitated and picked at her nails. “I know you don’t want to be here and I know you’ll be leaving soon, but I’m really glad to know you.”

Realizing she was expecting an answer, I surprised myself. “I’m glad to know you too. Maybe this was worth it somehow.”

She gave me a small smile and left. I was happy to know her, not necessarily the rest of the bunch, but it was kind of interesting to learn about my fucked up family tree. God, wait till Ethan found out I was the niece of the Devil himself. That would be fun.

Chapter Nine

My bedroom was lovely. Cool blues and whites mixed with dusty rose. The furniture looked Amish—beautiful and well built, but that was it as far as sparse went. The bed was soft, squishy and inviting. The walls were covered in a faded striped fabric instead of paper and the ceiling was tin. A dresser, desk, chair and vanity with a mirror finished off the suite. It smelled wonderful—like clean sheets and summer breezes. Before I got used to Hell being so lovely, I probably needed to visit the other levels.

I glanced up at the tin ceiling and looked for my Baby Demons. They weren’t there.

“Abe, Beyonce, Rachel, Ross?” I whispered. Nothing. Where had they gone? Did they know their way around Hell? Why hadn’t I thought to ask them that? I’d bet they knew what a portal looked like. Shit. Where were they?

“Guys, I need you.” Nothing. They’d always come before. Crap, did something happen to them? If I’d remembered that they were in my pocket when I was unceremoniously dragged to Hell, I’d have tossed them out. I’d never forgive myself if something happened to them…

Catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I turned away. Looking at myself seemed to make me more Demon than Vampyre and I didn’t want that. Ever. Although I hadn’t tried eating food yet, I was curious. I knew liquid was out, but I wondered if I’d be able to taste solid food. I’d been jonesing for peanut butter and jelly since I’d been turned.

Only one way to find out.

Dixie’s kitchen was awesome. After a short search I found bread, peanut butter and jelly. I rounded up a knife and a plate and I was ready for my experiment. Holding the most perfectly made peanut butter and jelly sandwich in my hand, I froze.

“Astrid,” an eerie voice that sounded exactly like the one from the palace whispered.

I whipped around, quickly grabbing the first weapon I laid my hands on. A butter knife... A butter knife? Crap, couldn’t I do better than a freakin’ butter knife? Where in the hell were my Vamp powers?

“Who’s there?” I demanded. My stomach clenched. I clutched my pathetically dull blade, dropped low and waited to do battle with my killer.

It laughed.

You have got to be kidding me. I was so not in the mood for this. Far too many people, and I use that word lightly, had laughed and given me crap lately and I was done.

“Who are you?” I spat. Fear began to seep away, slowly replaced by anger. “Show yourself, asshole.”

My temper flared and my hands began to tingle. Good. The freaky gloves had shown up. I wasn’t exactly sure how to use them, but they were better than nothing. I didn’t feel like dying tonight.

“Feisty,” the disembodied voice hissed.

“I’ll show you feisty, you butthole.”

Damn it, butthole sounded kind of junior high. Asshole was way better—or fucker. I didn’t want whatever invisible freak show that was in the kitchen to know I was basically power free at the moment. Butthole kind of put me in the league of ‘I won’t really kill you because I’m too nice.’ Not good, not good. Maybe if I call him an asshole again, or maybe shithat... Sweet Baby Beelzebub...shut up. I needed to turn off the inner monologue and focus or I was going to end up so dead.

I scanned the kitchen, but my intruder was invisible or just hidden very well. I felt an energy but it was all over the place. I was unable to locate the source. This was new. Did the glitter gloves make me aware of energies?

“I said,” I ground out through clenched teeth, “show yourself and I mean it.”

“And what will you do if I don’t?” the voice whispered ominously.

My fingers were tingling and sparks began to fly. Shit, shit, shit.

“I’ll blow up the entire house and burn your sorry ass alive.” No clue if I could actually do it, but bluffing worked occasionally...

“There are a few problems with that plan,” it said quite matter-of-factly.

Was the voice critiquing my methods or offering advice? Could this get any weirder?

“Oh yeah, what?” I countered with way more confidence than I was feeling.

“Well, for starters,” the voice said, “you have no idea if fire would even kill me, but there’s a fine chance you’d kill yourself and your cousin Dixie in an explosion like that.”

Damnity damn it, the voice was right. Wait a minute. “Why in the Hell would you care if I killed myself or my cousin?”

“Because I love you.”

“Okay, eeewww. Are you some kind of disgusting pervert weirdo stalker who loves the people he kills?”

I quickly rescanned the room. Why couldn’t I find him? I inched toward the archway next to the foyer which led to the living room which in turn led to Dixie’s room. Maybe she would know what to do.

“Don’t. Move,” the voice bellowed.

I’d had just about enough of being the victim. It was time to go Clint Eastwood on the monster in my cousin’s kitchen. I didn’t care what it was, it had to go. Now. I dropped the useless butter knife, closed my eyes, raised my flame throwing fingers and began to chant. I was chanting in a language I’d never heard, although it was distantly familiar. The words flowed freely from my body and it felt wonderful, powerful, dark and fucked up.

With my eyes closed I was able to locate the source. The melodic chant gave me a different kind of sight. Not being able to see with my eyes heightened every other sense I had. I was able to see everything around me with a clarity that was as alarming as it was accurate. My creepy killer was cloaked in invisibility and stood about three feet away. I couldn’t tell what he looked like, but I knew where he was. That was all I needed.

I pointed my fingers at the energy and a fireworks show exploded from my hands. I hit my intruder. I didn’t want to kill him. I wanted to question him before I destroyed him. And if I was perfectly honest with myself, I wasn’t sure I could kill him. I had no clue what he was.

“Very good!” the voice yelled.

Why in the Hell was the voice happy? I blasted it with some kind of Demon magic. I mean that shit had to hurt. Right? Come to think of it, why in the Hell did the voice all of a sudden sound familiar to me? It sounded like the Sprite I met at my mother’s funeral. What was a Sprite doing in Hell?

I gritted my teeth and waited for him to show himself. “Materialize. Now.”

He did. My annoyance increased with the smug satisfaction on his face. It was that little Sprite shit. I was going to kill him. “Did you think that was a good joke? Because I didn’t.”

“Darling Astrid, you were wonderful!” He clapped his adorable little Oompa Loompa hands and grinned from ear to ear.

As cute as he was I was not about to let him off easily. “Clearly you know my name, but I’m at a loss about yours.”

“I’m your grandpa.”

“What? You’re a Sprite.” He was so full of shit.

“I’m a Demon Sprite and I’m most definitely your grandpa.” He grinned with delight and held his arms out for a hug.

“Nope. No bonding until you answer some questions, little man.”

“I prefer Grandpa, but I’ve answered to much worse.”

My Grandpa was the cutest man alive. I pressed my fists into my sides so I wouldn’t start squeezing him. It didn’t surprise me that he spent a lot of time in traction because the Deadly Sins had squeezed and loved on him too hard. I had a horrific compulsion to grab him and cuddle him. I knew my jaw had clenched and my lips had pursed. The same way they would if I saw an adorable puppy or a super cute baby. I had to bite my tongue so I wouldn’t start spouting baby gibberish to him.

“You want to hug me to your bosom and shower me with kisses,” Grandpa informed me smugly.

“Ewwww,” I groaned, “do not say bosom. That’s disgusting.”

“You have a mouth like a sailor and you’re offended by bosom?” he asked with a twinkle in his eye.

“No. Just when you imply that I’m going to connect you to mine. It sounds wrong—like illegal wrong.”

“I do see your point,” he agreed. “But I meant nothing of the sort.”

“Good to know.” I rolled my eyes and stared at the little man who called himself my grandpa. “Was that you in the bedroom of the Dark Palace?”

“Yes!” He was positively gleeful. “I wanted to show myself, but it wasn’t the right time.”

“So wait, you’re Satan’s dad and God’s dad?”

“Oh no dear, Satan and God share the same mother. They’re half brothers.”

“And their mother is?”

Grandpa glanced around the room in terror. “Mother Nature,” he whispered.

“Right.” I laughed and rolled my eyes.

“For the love of everything evil,” he moaned and shuddered, “don’t do that. If she’s hears or sees you, we’re all screwed.”

“For real?” His fear was rubbing off a bit. Although I was having a hard time believing Mother Nature was real.

“Yes, my dear. Let’s leave that subject for now, shall we?”

“Ooookay, um… I killed your other son.” I figured just getting it out on the table was for the best.

“Yes,” he agreed. “Thank you for that. He always was a problem child.”

“You’re not mad?”

“Absolutely not. Now, his mother may be a bit put out… ”

“And his mother is?” I asked, hoping he was also Satan’s half brother.

Grandpa glanced around and then mouthed “Mother Nature.”

Fuck.

“I suppose that meeting will turn out just peachy,” I muttered, praying that day never came.

“We’ll try and avoid that at all costs,” he said. “How are you controlling yourself around me? Dixie is the only one who doesn’t cause me bodily harm.”

“No clue,” I answered. “I would like to squish you, but maybe if you stay over there I’ll be able to abstain. And why in the hell didn’t my fireworks show hurt you? You should be dead.”

“Yes, yes.” Grandpa’s eyes sparkled with joy.

“So?”

“So,” he continued gleefully, “on any other Demon that would have worked, but not on me. In fact,” he pondered seriously, “I believe there are only several beings in the entire universe that your power will not work on.”

“And they would be?” I asked.

“Oh yes, of course,” he giggled. “What’s the difference in a True Immortal and an immortal?” he asked, eyeing my sandwich.

“Is this a test?” I moaned.

“Of sorts,” he replied, picking up my PB&J and examining it.

“I have no idea.” Was he going to steal my sandwich before I had a chance to see if I could eat it? I think he was… I watched him stare lovingly at my late night snack and I rolled my eyes.

“A True Immortal can’t die. Did you know that?” he asked.

“Why do you answer my questions with questions?”

“Because it’s fun,” he grinned and sniffed my sandwich. “True Immortals can die—they just can’t be killed.”

I pushed my hair out of my face and groaned. “Like that makes any sense.”

“It makes perfect sense, my love. A True Immortal can only die if they choose to.”

I pondered that as I grabbed a spoon and scooped some peanut butter out of the jar. I’d given up on getting my sandwich back. “Why would a True Immortal want to die?”

“It’s quite simple,” Grandpa replied, “a broken heart.”

“You’re joking,” I laughed... He didn’t.

“No, Little One, I wouldn’t joke about that.”

“Wait.” I swallowed a big glob of peanut butter and almost threw up. A big no on the eating, not to mention it tasted like dust. “You just get a broken heart and drop dead?”

“Sweet Baby Satan,” he threw back his head and let out a great peal of laughter, “it’s a bit more complicated than that. It’s a three part finale. One, your heart must be truly broken. Two, you must choose to die and three, The Sword of Death must be plunged into your heart.”

“Holy crap.” I was still choking on my peanut butter. Grandpa slapped me on the back and I went flying. For being such a little guy, he had one hell of an arm. “I’ve never heard that before. Hell, I thought my father was in charge down here.”

“Did he tell you that?” Grandpa asked, totally offended.

“No, I just kind of assumed.”

“Never assume, dear, that makes an ass out of you and me.”

He was definitely my grandpa.

“Anyhoo, the Sword thing is a secret. That’s not information we want getting out,” he replied. “In the wrong hands that could be a real problem.”

“Right.” Why couldn’t I have a normal family? “All of that sounds awful.”

“Oh yes,” he agreed, “but if you think that’s bad, there’s something even worse.” He took a dramatic pause and pressed what used to be my sandwich to his chest. “The Sword of Death is missing.”

Without asking, I somehow knew that was part of the reason I was here. “Do we have any idea who might have it?”

“We have an educated guess.” He flattened the PB&J into a pancake. What in the Hell was he doing? His sandwich etiquette was gross.

“Shall I guess?” I asked. He tilted his head and watched me. “My guess,” I inhaled deeply, “is that it’s a Demon and that I’m here to find the fucking Sword because I can off people and apparently you can’t.”

“Correct,” he smiled ruefully. “You are correct, but enough about depressing things—let’s get back to your history lesson.”

I didn’t stop him. I knew this was all connected. I just didn’t know how, and if Grandpa was as vague as the rest of the immortals in my life, he was only going to tell me part of it. I would have to figure the rest out for myself. Cryptic Demons sucked.

“So, where was I?” he inquired, carefully tearing his PB&J pancake into four equal squares.

“Broken hearts, Sword of Death missing, have to want to die, sandwich stealing...”

His mouth quirked with humor. “Yes, yes, of course.” He pet his flattened sandwich pieces with affection, “there are only seven acknowledged True Immortals right now, but more exist.”

“Is that important?” I tried to figure out the significance, but I couldn’t.

“Oh, yes,” he chuckled. I waited for more, but none was forthcoming.

“Grandpa.” It felt odd, but nice to say the word grandpa. “I’m assuming there is a reason you’re telling me all this...”

“Of course, darling.”

We sat in silence while I waited for him to continue. It was clear I was going to be waiting a long time. I wiped the frown off my face. A change of tactic was in order...

“Alrighty then,” I clapped my hands like a kindergarten teacher and slapped on a big smile. You get more bees with honey, right? “I’m guessing you’re a True Immortal and that Satan and his brother God are too.”

“Yes Astrid, that’s accurate.”

“I think Cousin Jesus must be one,” I added, trying to hold back my smirk. Saying cousin and Jesus in the same sentence just seemed wrong.

“No,” Grandpa cut me off. “Jesus is an immortal, but not a True Immortal. He is the only being in the universe that embodies flawless purity and goodness. He is beyond reproach and would never be touched, but he is not a True Immortal.”

“Do you know him?”

“Of course, I spend a good amount of time in Heaven. That’s how I know your Nana.”

“I thought Demons weren’t allowed in Heaven.”

“Ah yes, but I’m also a Sprite which is genetically close to an Angel.”

I didn’t want to touch that.

“Wow, neat.” I was stuck. Who in the Hell were the other True Immortals?

“God begat two Angels, The Angel of Death and the Angel of Light. They are True Immortals. Your Grandmother is also one.”

“Does she like to be called Grandma?”

“Oh hellfires, no. She’s a colossal bitch.” Grandpa gave me a sly grin.

“You like her!” I accused, laughing.

“No,” he insisted. “I don’t like her at all. She’s very difficult,” he smirked. “But I do love her.”

“Is she your true love?” I asked quietly, thinking about Ethan.

Grandpa stared at his snack. “Yes, Astrid, she is...but that doesn’t mean I can live with her. I’d kill her… Dixie’s mother is a True Immortal.”

“Her mother is alive? Does Dixie know her? I haven’t heard her talk about her.”

“Oh no, Dixie knows nothing about her.”

“But she’s alive?”

“As far as I know, my sweet. I’m sure I would have heard if she bit the big one. Although if you ask me, she may as well be dead considering how she’s neglected her duties and the mess she’s made.” He finally took a large bite out of the PB&J and closed his eyes in ecstasy. “Why does food taste so much better when someone else makes it?”

“I have no idea, Grandpa, but we need to back up a little bit.” He was excellent at avoidance, but he was not avoiding this.

“Fine, darling, what can I help you with?” He finished off the sandwich and made another.

“Do you have a good reason for showing up and scaring the Hell out of me?”

“Oh yes.” He took my hands and stroked them lovingly. “I was testing your abilities. You need to be ready. I’m so worried for you and so is your nana.” He let go of my hands and took another huge bite of his sandwich.

“Am I?” I asked, holding my breath.

“Are you what?” he replied with a mouth full of PB&J.

“Am I ready?” I huffed in exasperation.

“Oh, For the Love of Everything Repulsive, No,” he laughed.

I deflated like a balloon and dropped onto a kitchen chair. My head fell to my hands and I gave into the impulse that had been clawing at me since I arrived in Hell. I cried.

“Oh, my baby.” Grandpa smoothed his little hand over my hair.

“I’m okay,” I said, wiping my tears.

He giggled with relief and squeezed himself. Holy Hell, he’d better not do that. I wasn’t sure I could curb my hugging impulses if he was going to rub my face in it by loving on himself.

“I’m not going to be of much help,” I told him. “I can’t use my Vampyre powers down here.”

“Of course you can,” he corrected me.

“Um, nope. They’re gone.”

“You must accept your Demon powers and you will find your Vampyre powers have been with you the whole time.”

“What do you mean? Accept my Demon powers… ”

“It’s more mind over matter,” he explained. “You don’t need to have control of your Demonic power, you simply need to accept and embrace your Demon heritage.”

“You want me to accept evil?”

“No. I want you to accept that there is a balance—a Balance of Chaos, if you will. We are all good and all evil.”

His answer was simple, but I knew by now nothing was simple and nothing came without consequences.

“I saw no good in my father or my mother.”

“At one time your father was very good. Time and choices made him dark and quite honestly unredeemable.”

“Why did he look like he did? Do you look like that too?”

Grandpa was silent for a long moment and if I’m not mistaken a flicker of sadness crossed his face. “That was choice, not necessity. Your father chose his physical appearance and after a while he was stuck with it. The outside often ends up being a manifestation of what lies within.”

“How do you control what you become?” I asked, wondering what had really happened to my father.

“That, my beautiful child, is a question we all wrestle with for our entire lives. And some of us have very long lives with which to wrestle.”

“So if I accept this, I become one crazily powerful mistake of nature?” I asked, unable to imagine what I might be able to do.

“That’s one way of looking at it,” he said thoughtfully. “Or you become the arbiter between Heaven and Hell. The voice of reason between those who can’t—or refuse to acknowledge or even see the other side.”

“You do realize I’m basically a Prada whore with a mouth like a sailor who teaches art to genitalia loving senior citizens… ”

Grandpa’s laugh made me want to tackle him and love on him for hours. “You are the Chosen One of Vampyre lore. You have proven yourself to be loyal with a moral strength that is beyond compare. You are very special indeed.”

“I have more than myself to think about,” I murmured, unconsciously touching my stomach.

“Then all the more reason to make the Universe a better place,” he said gently. “May I?” His hand tentatively reached for my stomach and I nodded. The need for him to touch me and to touch him back was overwhelming.

Gently running his small hands over my stomach, he sighed in contentment. “This child will be the future. He will be the one who will maintain the balance that you create. Leave him his legacy, for if you don’t, you will take his purpose from him and he will have no choice but to follow the darker part of his heritage.”

“That sounds a bit like blackmail,” I said, pulling away.

“Emotional blackmail,” Grandpa corrected. “But true nonetheless. Accept your fate and the world will be yours. However, at every turn will be a choice and only you can make the right one.”

“Jesus Christ,” I groaned. “You sound like fucking Mr. Miyagi from The Karate Kid.”

“I loved that movie!” Grandpa clapped his little hands joyfully. “And you really shouldn’t take your cousin’s name in vain.”

I rolled my eyes and tried not to laugh. I failed.

“Think about what I have said, Astrid. I am so happy to be able to reveal myself to you. I have waited many years for you.”

“Little overwhelming, Gramps. You’re making me nauseous. Now a bit more about the Sword… ”

He handed me a small book. “Everything you need to know is in there. The rest you will have to discover.”

“Awesome,” I said sarcastically.

“Oh, but it is, my dear. It really is.”

With that he disappeared in a mist of black and golden glitter. This had turned out to be the biggest clusterfuck of a day I’d ever had and I’m counting the day I was turned into a Vampyre. I suppose my vacation in Hell was going to be a bit longer than originally planned. Ethan will not be pleased.

Chapter Ten

I spent the better part of the night trying to make sense of the little book my grandpa had given me. I was not a big non-fiction reader. Give me a romance and I’m a happy girl, but this crap… I was having a hard time understanding even the smallest details. It was as if it had been written in code—overwritten, flowery purple prose everywhere.

“Okay, the Sword of Death,” I said, talking to no one since my babies still hadn’t shown up. Luckily I had found several passages I could comprehend. “The Sword lives in a secret place full of temptation very close to the mouth of Hell. That’s dumb. Why in the world don’t they put it in a neutral safe place… ” Immortals had rules coming out of their asses and many were completely antiquated.

I found out the Sword could kill any immortal with a mere prick of the blade. Its power and magic were unsurpassed. It had been created by the first True Immortals, giving them an out if they so chose. It didn’t clue me in to who the first True Immortals were, but I guessed that would be Mother Nature and possibly Grandpa. Everyone else seemed to have been created in one way or another by those two or their offspring. Mother Nature, Grandpa, God, Satan, the Angel of Death, the Angel of Light and Woman. Woman? I supposed that was Dixie’s mom, but what a shitty name. It was interesting that even in the book her identity was hidden. Whatever. Not my problem. Oddly, there were three more spaces for True Immortals, but they were blank.

However, there was a caveat. I had to read the passage six times to decode what the hell it meant. If my deduction was correct, on the lunar eclipse, which occurred at least twice a year, the Sword could be used to kill a True Immortal if he or she was stabbed through the heart three times. Lovely. I’d lay money that we were due for a lunar eclipse…

Who was the target? Satan? God? Grandpa? Mother Nature? The Sword was stored near Hell, so my assumption was Satan or Grandpa. Not good. I kind of liked Grandpa and if I was being truthful, my uncle fascinated me too. Would destroying a True Immortal throw this Balance of Chaos that Gramps spoke of off? Would it bring on Armageddon? Could good and evil switch places or cease to have meaning? Could I possibly confuse myself any more…

Enough. Enough of the book for now.

I couldn’t absorb any more information if I tried and there was no sex in it so I was getting bored. Realizing I needed to communicate with home, I decided that would be first on my agenda in the morning. Only one day had passed in Hell, but I was unsure if that equated with one day on Earth. Second on my schedule would be finding my Baby Demons. They were the key to something. What? I didn’t know, but I was learning to trust that very little was an accident.

* * *

“No, there are no phones to Earth.” Greed laughed as she bit into some kind of Danish from the platter off of Dixie’s kitchen table. She was dressed to the nines in some kind of sexy power suit with thigh high stiletto boots. Thankfully I was able to hold my own in the fashion department due to the pile of rockin’ clothes Dixie had left in my bedroom. I was still wearing my black Converse, but they were paired with some insane Prada black pants and a Stella McCartney fitted t-shirt. “Silly girl. Even if there were, which there aren’t, do you really think Daddy would let you do that?”

“Am I a prisoner here? Or a guest?”

Greed exchanged a look with her sisters, Wrath and Envy, who’d shown up uninvited and unwanted to breakfast. All of the gals were dressed to kill… hopefully not literally. Dixie stood to the side completely ignored by her sisters.

“Would anyone like coffee?” she inquired, changing the subject.

“Yes, be a dear and fetch me some,” Wrath instructed her youngest sibling. “Don’t forget the sugar,” she called after her.

I liked them and I didn’t. I didn’t trust them a bit, but I was definitely going to find out what I could from them. “So you’re the Seven Deadly Sins, what does that make Dixie?”

“A spare heir,” Envy snorted and seated herself next to me.

“Meaning?”

“Meaning if one of us bites it, she becomes a Sin,” Envy explained and poked at the plate of pastries.

“Has that ever happened?” I asked, a little shocked at the implications. I had assumed each cousin embodied her Sin and was born that way.

“Nope,” Greed cut in. “Never and it would be a total ugly turd waffle if it did.”

“Facebook?” I asked.

“How’d you guess?” Greed grinned and took another Danish. “I understand that you met Grandpa last night.”

“How’d you hear that?” How did she hear that? I hadn’t even shared with Dixie yet.

“I feel his energy,” she said. “Don’t you?” she asked her sisters.

“Definitely,” Wrath said and Envy nodded.

“Yes, I met him and he was just as cute as Dixie said he would be.”

“Did you break anything?”

“Nope, I’m fine.”

“Not on you. On him.” Greed blew out an exasperated breath at my stupidity.

My stupidity was on purpose and that’s the way I wanted it. Everyone seemed to buy my flightiness except Wrath. She watched me closely with an odd expression on her lovely face.

“No, he left in one piece,” I told them and turned away to avoid Wrath’s intense scrutiny.

“What did you speak of?” Wrath asked.

“Not much. You know, ‘Welcome to Hell, learn your heritage, blahblahblah’.”

“Did he give you any gifts?” Envy asked in a tone I didn’t like.

“No books? No baubles?” Greed wanted to know.

What were they angling for? I had no intention of telling them I had a book. Unsure why, but trusting my instincts, I played dumb.

“Nope, nothing,” I said. “Why? Does he usually come bearing gifts?”

“No, but he always tries to pawn this stupid little book off on us,” Greed said and rolled her eyes.

“It’s written in some ancient script that none of us can read. I suppose it’s some kind of test,” Envy added.

“I can read a bit of it,” Wrath said, still watching me closely.

“Probably because you’re thousands of years older than the rest of us,” Greed snapped.

Swallowing back my surprise at Wrath’s age I wondered if I had been given the very same book… If I was, why in the hell was I able to read it? Bad feeling number one—and I was certain I’d have many more before the day was done.

“Coffee,” Dixie sang and passed cups to her sisters. “Would you like some, Astrid?”

“Nope. Vampyre.”

“Right.” She giggled and served her sisters dutifully.

“Do you need blood?” Wrath inquired as she put an alarming amount of sugar in her coffee.

“No, not at the moment. Are you offering?” Her head snapped up and there was serious interest in her eyes.

“I might be,” she answered silkily. “Let me know if I can be of service.”

“Will do.” Will not. There was no way Heaven or Hell I would drink the blood of a several thousand year old Demon… not to mention I was fairly sure she had some kind of icky girl cousin crush on me.

“What are your plans for the day, dear?” Envy asked.

“I’ll spend the day with Dixie and rest. This has been overwhelming so far.”

“Very well then,” Greed said and gave me a light squeeze. “We shall see you soon.”

With that, they stood and vanished in a blast of black glitter. I let out the breath I’d been holding and sagged in relief in my chair.

“Do they come to breakfast often?” I asked a similarly relieved Dixie.

“Never,” she admitted and scrunched her nose. “Sorry about that.”

“I can handle them.”

“Better you than me.” She giggled and picked at a Danish. “Did you enjoy your visit with Grandpa?”

“Actually I did and I didn’t break one single bone in his body.” I grinned and sniffed the coffee. “God, I miss caffeine.”

“Do you want to try it?”

“No,” I interjected quickly. “I tried peanut butter last night and almost hurled.”

“Well, I have my therapy group coming later this afternoon and I want to go to the grocery and buy some snacks. Would you like to join me?”

“Hell has grocery stores?”

“Yep, we even have malls,” she said with great pride.

“But you’re a princess—can’t you have your stuff delivered?”

“I can.” She nodded her head. “But I want to live like a normal person and I enjoy getting out. I do take a bodyguard, but I drive myself.”

I gave her the thumbs up and she giggled. I had no desire to go to the grocery and I wanted to find my little ones. “Have you seen my Baby Demons?”

“No, but I’m sure they’re fine,” she said, grabbing her purse and keys. “If you want to walk the property make sure you take a bodyguard. They say there was a mild Hellquake during the night and I don’t want you to get lost or hurt.”

“Are those common this time of year?”

“Hellquakes are never common. The first time I felt one was yesterday with you. Word is that it wasn’t a Hellquake at all. It was some kind of unnatural phenomenon. Something bad.”

“Well, that’s great and especially since it coincides with my arrival.”

“Yeah, unfortunately that’s the word around town too,” she shrugged and gave me an apologetic smile. “You take a guard if you want to wander the grounds. Okay?”

“You got it.” Not.

Chapter Eleven

Making peace with my Demon side was difficult—mainly because I had no freakin’ clue how to do it. The book was of no help whatsoever. It was just history and gobbledygook. Although it did have a detailed picture of The Sword of Death—one of the most impressive pieces of deadly art I’d ever seen. If I was to find it, I definitely didn’t want to touch that sucker… way too evil for me. In my gut I knew this was the book the Sins were talking about. It was probably significant that I could read it, but that was the least of my problems at the moment. After Dixie left I paced her house trying to pick up on the energy Grandpa left behind. I felt things, but I wasn’t sure which energy belonged to which Demon. Shitshitshit. I was worried about my little Demons. I needed to find Ross, Rachel, Beyonce and Abe and I was hoping to be able to use that nifty little energy trick to find my babies.

“Hell’s bells,” I muttered. I hopped around, hoping to release some tension and become one with my inner fucking Demon. “How hard can this be?”

Hard.

I tried walking and talking and yelling and meditating. Nothing. I couldn’t make the black glitter gloves show up at will and my Vampyre powers were still MIA. Ten more minutes. I’d give myself ten more minutes to try and get this shit and then I was going out anyway. There was no telling what kind of trouble my tiny monsters could get into in Hell.

Peeking out of the window, I sized up the bodyguards. They looked more like gun-toting, bodybuilding male models than they did bodyguards. I was certain they knew their job. Satan wouldn’t leave just any old guards with his daughter. The one on the far left looked the weakest. He was who I wanted to be my escort. Ten minutes…

What were some of the things Grandpa said? Come on… think. Mother Nature was a colossal bitch… my dad had made his own evil bed… seven True Immortals… mind over matter. Wait. That was it. Mind over matter. Could it really be that simple? I laughed at the possibility.

“I choose to accept both my Vampyre and Demon heritage,” I mumbled. “I choose to accept my Vampyre and Demon heritage,” I said a bit louder.

A tingling started low in my spine and travelled up to the base of my neck. It wasn’t uncomfortable, but it was unfamiliar. I moved faster around the room wondering if this would be as debilitating as when I became a Vampyre.

“I choose to accept my Vampyre and Demon heritage,” I shouted, uncaring if all the guards outside could hear my lunacy. It was working. And I felt fine and my… shit. I jack knifed over in pain as wave after wave of nausea ripped through my body. Everything appeared blurry and red and I grasped for purchase on the carpet. Fuck, why did everything immortal have to hurt?

“I promise to be good or evil or vapid or anything,” I screamed, praying to every deity I think of… Just stop. Please stop. The burning was branding my soul and I planned to rip my cute little son of a bitch grandpa to shreds with my bare hands if this turned me into a full Demon. Wait. Why in the fuck did I even listen to him? Was it because he was cuddly? I was an idiot of epic proportions.

Crawling across the floor, I gasped for air. The burning slowly subsided, but the tingling in my spine remained. Please God, Satan, Jesus, Moses, Steven Perry and all the rest of Journey, don’t let there be a Round Two of fire consuming my body. Sitting still I waited. And waited. Nothing. Why the guards hadn’t stormed the house was odd. I knew I’d been screaming, but the duration was fairly short. Was screaming in pain a common occurrence at Dixie’s house? I certainly hoped not.

Time to test the new me.

I closed Dixie’s shades to be on the safe side, shut my eyes and took a flying leap. Thankfully I could fly, but I learned a valuable lesson. Flying with your eyes closed is a no-no. Bashing into a wall hurts and causes damage. I moved one of Dixie’s paintings to cover the busted plaster and moved on.

I was still breathing and my reflection was still there, but when I cloaked myself my image disappeared. Positive that Steven Perry had been the lucky charm in my prayer, I silently thanked him and forgave him for quitting the band.

Flying. Check.

Cloaking. Check.

Crawling into the minds of other Demons? Only one way to find out…

Peeking out the window I focused on the strongest looking one I could find and I slid in. Bingo. He was bored and was attracted to the male guard named Tony to his right. He knew Tony was seeing a woman, but felt that with his skills he could turn Tony…

I slipped right back out. TMI. Next experiment… I willed my sparkling black gloves to appear. I did need to find my inner-angry-bitch to do it, but she was readily available. However my inner-slut had all but disappeared. Thank God, because Ethan was nowhere in sight. Closing my eyes I silently commanded the gloves to disappear. They did. Score. Grabbing the little book and shoving it in my back pocket in case I needed it I cloaked myself in invisibility and stepped outside.

No movement from the guards I could see. I was sure there were many that I couldn’t see so I planned to stay invisible until I found my babies and had to reveal myself. Then I’d cloak their in-trouble little asses and bring them home. Wait. This was not my home. I’d bring them back to Dixie’s.

I easily walked right past the guards and through the manicured yard. The uncanny resemblance to Kentucky was bizarre. The flowers and trees and rolling hills were lovely and strangely familiar. Did it look this way to everyone or was it an illusion catering to the likes and needs of those it hosted? What the hell did it matter to me? I planned to do whatever I had to do to help out and then leave. Permanently.

Slowing my pace, I tried to detect the energy of my babies. I concentrated and let my mind wander… I sensed them, but they weren’t nearby. The thread of energy was distant and weak, although it was stronger to the north. Moving quickly through the overgrown grass on the outskirts of my cousin’s property, I felt the connection to my little Demons increase. I’d probably travelled several miles away from Dixie’s house before the terrain went from manicured-lovely to wild-beautiful.

The scent of the grass tickled my nose and I giggled. No one would ever believe me if I told them how stunning Hell was. Running toward the energy, I froze when I saw a free-standing door approximately twenty feet ahead. What was a door doing in the middle of a field? It stood about eight feet tall and was made of intricately carved wood. The shiny black lacquer finish glistened in the sun and the handle looked as if was encrusted with jewels. Was that a portal? There was no fucking way it could be this easy.

Approaching slowly in case it was a trap I moved closer. I kept myself cloaked and levitated off the grass so I didn’t accidentally rustle anything on the ground. The air on either side of the door shimmered and moved in the gentle breeze. Was something there? I couldn’t tell. I floated around the door. It truly was freestanding. There was nothing but grass behind and all around it… and it was making me horny. My nipples hardened and a tingling started low in my abdomen. What was happening here? Was the door a succubus? Could an inanimate object be a succubus? When had I lost my mind and thought humping a door might be a good idea? I realized it wasn’t the door I want to do the horizontal mambo with and I heaved a huge sigh of relief, but what was it?

The aroma of freshly baked brownies accosted my nose and… Brownies? No way.

I needed to become corporeal if I wanted to open the door, but was unsure if the owners of the brownie scent would be happy to see me.

“General George Patton? Bambi? Is that you?” I whispered, hoping to God I wasn’t attracted to them. “It’s me, Astrid. I’m Dixie’s cousin and she said you wouldn’t, you know, um… eat me because we have the same… ”

They materialized and I screamed. They were heinous. I hadn’t remembered the Hell Hounds being quite so big. Moving away slowly while keeping my eyes on them, I debated on whether or not to run or hump them. Please tell me I didn’t just consider humping Hell Hounds… Their eyes narrowed and they lifted their bulbous snouts in the air.

“Astrid, it’s lovely to see you again,” a deep goofy male voice said. Neither one of the Hell Hounds mouths moved. I whipped around to find the owner, but no one was there.

“It’s me, General George,” the voice huffed. “I speak through my eyebrows.”

WTF?

“You have eyebrows?” I asked, stepped closer and noticed the bushy wiry tufts of hair above his beady eyes.

“Yep. All Hounds speak through the brows.”

He was right. They bounced in rhythm with his words. Bizarre.

“If you talk with your eyebrows, what do you do with your mouth?”

“Eat pizza and destroy those that threaten the life of my master.”

“Right.” As much as I was repulsed by the duo, my inner slut was telling me a different story. Shit. This was not happening.

“Um, I was wondering where this door led. Do you know?” I asked, dying to run my hands over my breasts. I slapped them to my sides and held on to my pants. I wasn’t attracted to them last night. Why was I attracted to them now?

“Are you okay?” Bambi’s eyebrows asked me in a high squeaky voice.

“Not really,” I whispered. “Do you guys feel anything weird?”

“Always,” General George told me. “Why? What are you feeling?”

Truth or dare? If I came clean and they felt the same way this could be a clusterfuck of massive proportions. Pun intended. But if I lied would they know?

“I’m, um… ” I wrung my hands and cursed Satan for making me stay in Hell. There was no way I could tell animals that I thought I wanted to do the nasty with them, no matter how much they smelled like brownies. Omission is not lying. “I lost something important to me and I was looking for it.”

“It or them?” Bambi’s brows jiggled.

Did they know something? My gut told me not to fear them, but I was in Hell where nothing was as it seemed. “Them,” I told her. I was at a dead end. I could feel my little monsters slightly, but it had faded. “My Demon Babies.”

“Are you speaking of Abe, Beyonce, Rachel and Ross?” General George’s waggly eyebrows inquired with great fondness. Hopefully it wasn’t because he’d just eaten them as an afternoon snack.

“Maybe,” I answered. “Have you seen them?”

“Oh yes, my dear,” he said. “Abe was quite sure you’d be coming. We’ve been waiting for you.”

“You have?”

“Yes.” Bambi giggled, if you could call a snort that spewed slobber a giggle. “We are here to guide you.”

“Why would you help me?” For the second time in less than ten minutes I wondered if this was a trap.

“Something is afoot and it’s wrong,” General George grunted, shaking his ginormous furry head.

“I thought you guys were okay with evil stuff.”

“Oh, we are, but this goes far beyond evil,” Bambi added.

“Are my babies okay?” I asked, heading for the door to go find them. I was going to kill those little shits if they weren’t already dead.

“For now,” Bambi assured me, stepping into my path. “Tell me what you’re feeling.”

I halted and again I considered lying, but something stopped me. They were trying to help me. They said they were my guides. Maybe they would be flattered if they knew I thought they were hot… but I didn’t think they were hot at all. I just had a disgusting compulsion to scratch my itch, so to speak.

“Well,” I hedged. “I’m not sure and I’m actually mortified to say this, but I might be just the tiniest weeniest bit, um… ”

“Attracted to us?” George asked, his eyebrows dancing a jig.

“Possibly,” I muttered almost inaudibly. How was I going to live this one down?

“Excellent,” Bambi screeched. “The little Demons were correct. Let’s go.”

“Wait,” I yelled. “You’re just going to let that slide?”

“Yes, we are,” General George said, avoiding eye contact.

As grossed out as I was with myself, I was also completely insulted. Clearly they weren’t attracted to me and I wanted to know why. But how in the world did I broach that one?

“It’s your chest bumps and your stench,” he said, intently examining his hooves.

“Can you read my mind?” I snapped. Wait. Did he actually just refer to my boobs as chest bumps and call me stinky?

“You need to shut your brain doors,” Bambi told me sweetly. “And you do smell odd, but so do all Vampyres.”

“Chest bumps?” I pointed to my offensive mammaries.

“Yes, dear.” She giggled as her brows shimmied on her forehead. “Do you find us attractive?”

“Well, um… no, not exactly.”

“We find each other very appealing,” she cooed, nudging a now embarrassed General. “You are not attracted to us and we are not attracted to you. You are attracted to something behind the door.”

“Thank Satan,” the General snorted. The ego part of me wanted to smack him and the sane part of me wanted to laugh. The laugh won out.

What was behind the door? As relieved as I was that I didn’t really want to get down on it with General George and Bambi, I wondered if the alternative was worse. Enough about my libido. I didn’t plan to satisfy it no matter how horny I was. My mate was on Earth and I was a one Vamp girl. Period.

“Are my Babies behind the door?”

“Not directly,” Bambi explained, moving her huge hairy body to the left of the door.

“But they did go in there?”

“Yes.” George shook his head sadly. “I begged them to wait till you came and we could all search together, but they insisted.”

“Why?”

They were silent. Not gonna work for me. Had they lied to me? Did they eat them?

“Why?” I demanded.

The Hell Hounds exchanged furtive glances and Bambi sighed dramatically. “They said he needed to eat. They were going in there to sacrifice themselves.”

“What?” I shouted, grabbed the handle and tried to push the door open. “To who? Who in the Hell are they going to sacrifice themselves to?”

“I think the name they used was Ethan.”

My world spun and I landed hard on the ground. The Hounds got me back on my feet, but the ringing in my ears was deafening and I wouldn’t have known if they had taken a big chunk out of me. My body shook and real fear grabbed hold of me and held on tight. Why was he here and why was he behind this door?

“Where does this door lead?” I asked, wanting to know yet dreading the answer.

“To all the other levels of Hell.”

“Can you take me to Ethan?”

“That is why we are here. Is he important to you?” General George asked.

“He’s my world—my entire world.”

Chapter Twelve

The door was locked.

“What the hell?” I groaned and rattled the diamond and ruby covered knob. “It’s locked.”

“Do you trust us?” General George asked, watching me with a thoughtful expression.

Did I? Kind of… I didn’t really have much of a choice. They knew where Ethan and my Baby Demons were. I needed them. Staring at his bulbous head and hairy body, I made a decision to throw my normal caution to the wind and go with it.

“Yes.”

“With your life?” Bambi inquired, licking her lips.

That lip-smacking thing didn’t really inspire undying allegiance, but when in Hell…

“Sure.” Dear Sweet Baby Cousin Jesus, please let me survive this…

“Put one of your hands in each of our mouths,” the General instructed.

What? “Um, will your slobber lube them up so I can open the door?”

They laughed so hard I actually joined them. WTF? I was about to potentially lose both of my hands and I was cackling like a hyena. I mean, I knew they’d grow back, but that took time and hands were kind of important at the moment.

“Can I ask why I need to do this?”

“No,” Bambi said.

“Fine,” I grumbled and shoved my hands into their mouths. Time was of the essence and if they wanted to eat my appendages, I was quite sure they could do it without my blessing.

The insides of their mouths were spongy and warm. The scent of hot brownies grew stronger and I closed my eyes. If this turned out to be a bad move I planned to conjure up my black gloves and fry their asses. The light pressure of razor sharp teeth scraped my palms and rough tongues bathed my hands in what truly felt like brownie batter… ewwwww. Every instinct I had was to yank my hands out, but their lips had closed around my wrists in a seal-tight lock.

“Fuck,” I shouted and futilely tried to disengage as their teeth pierced my skin. A rush of something cold shot through my body and landed right between my eyes, giving me one of the worst brain freezes I’d ever felt—black raspberry chip ice cream had nothing on the Hell Hounds.

Gasping in pain and dropping to my knees, I lamented my utter stupidity. I attempted to use my varied and sundry magic on them, but I was blocked. No matter how hard I tried to call upon my power, nothing happened. My eyes were screwed shut in agony from the headache pounding in my skull. Prying them open took everything I had, but I needed to look at them while they killed me. I wanted them to see how much I hated them.

The love and compassion on their hairy faces threw me and made me second guess for a brief moment, but the icy cold shooting through my veins brought me back to my bleak reality. I had trusted the bad guy… or rather bad dog. And then it stopped… The shock of being released was jarring. I quickly scooted away and cloaked myself in invisibility.

“Are you alright?” Bambi asked kindly. WTF? I heard her voice, but her eyebrows were still. I didn’t answer.

“We can see you,” General George said. And just as with Bambi, his bushy eyebrows were immobile. “We can also hear you, so if you’re going to be rude you might want to rethink it.”

“Why?” I yelled. “Will you sink your teeth into my ass or my head next time?” That hairy bastard had one hell of a nerve. And how could they see me? I was cloaked… and furthermore how in the hell could I hear them when they weren’t actually talking through their eyebrows? Shit. Were we connected? Did the freezing cold bite connect us somehow?

“It did,” Bambi snorted gleefully. “When we descend to the lower levels, we need to communicate. It will be the simple difference of you making it out alive or dead.”

“So that excruciating chomp was a love bite?” I snapped, still not willing to let bygones be bygones.

“Exactly,” she agreed and rubbed her big soft head on my leg.

“You’ll have to stay cloaked and just think your thoughts at us. We can speak as much as necessary and no one will be the wiser.” General George’s voice bounced around inside my head.

“Okay,” I said internally. “Can I ride on your back?”

“If it pleases you.” He chuckled. “We used to ride Dixie around for hours on end.”

“Can she talk to you?”

“Oh no, dear,” Bambi said. “Not yet, but soon.”

It was clear that was as much of an explanation as I would get from them about who could hear them and who could not. Whatever. There were far more important things pressing at the moment.

“Are we ready?” I asked, wishing I had weapons on me. I would just have to defend myself and my furry friends with magic.

“The question is, are you?” George countered.

“I was born ready.” I grinned and hopped on his back. Bambi pushed the door open with her hoof and we descended into the abyss.

* * *

Whatever I had expected, it certainly wasn’t this. Lines of desks and filing cabinets littered an area roughly the size of a football field. Harsh fluorescent lighting bathed everyone’s skin giving it a greenish hue. Demons hustled around in a business-like manner. Wearing suits and ties and conservative dresses, they manned computers and phones. Most of the Demons looked like humans, but there were a few who resembled my father. I watched in shock as they all worked like a very well oiled machine. Several of the heinous Demons had human looking hands or hair. Maybe they were wearing wigs… but the hands were real. But the strangest thing of all was the purple and red and black darts of light flying around the room bashing into everything. The demons seemed to take no notice of the spastic lights, but occasionally swatted them away if they got right in their faces. WTF?

“What’s the deal with the ugly Demons?” I asked, wishing we could get a closer look.

“They’re trying to redeem themselves. The ones that have grown back some skin are successfully on their way to being able to visit the Main Floor of Hell,” Bambi explained. “It takes hundreds of years and raw determination to come back from the skinless evil they had chosen, but a few actually make it.”

“My father looked like that.”

“Yes,” the General said tersely.

Bambi said nothing, but I was sure they exchanged some kind of mental telepathy that they chose to leave me out of. There was a fuzzy noise and I knew they were communicating. I could care less if they were insulting my father. Hell, I’d had my Baby Demons eat him…

“It’s okay, you guys. I know my dad was bad. Don’t hide your thoughts.”

“You heard us?” Bambi stuttered and stopped moving.

“Not what you said,” I answered, alarmed. Was that bad? “It was more like a blurry signal. I knew you were talking, but you blocked me.”

General George’s head bobbed and his body shuddered. Bambi gaped at me as I sat astride her boyfriend’s back.

“What? Is that a big deal?” They were making me a little nervous. Why do I always talk before I think?

“It is,” George said reverently. “It is.”

“You gonna expand on that, big guy?” I asked, already knowing the answer.

“Nope.”

“Fine,” I snapped. “Where are we and where are Ethan and my babies?’

“They’re still a ways away. This is the processing center. When a soul enters Hell they come here and get assigned a level.”

“Are the souls those obnoxious little lights flying everywhere?”

The General gasped and Bambi’s snout paled. That was freakin’ weird. I was so obsessed that her nose went from pink to white I forgot I had yet again apparently said something wrong.

“You see the souls?” Bambi asked blankly.

“Um… maybe,” I said, not wanting to commit to the wrong answer. They could still eat me if they wanted to.

“What colors do you see?” General George demanded.

“Why? Is this some kind of problem?” I shot back. I had places to go and shit to do. What in the hell was the big deal?

“No,” he answered carefully. “It would just confirm our suspicions. What colors do you see?” His voice was gruff and quite honestly scary. Was there an incorrect answer? Fuck. The truth will set you free… or get you eaten by Hell Hounds.

“Fine. And by the way, if you look over your shoulder you’ll see me rolling my eyes… I see purple, red and black.”

They were silent. Did they hear me? General George started to chuckle and Bambi’s beady little eyes swam with tears. WTF?

“Amazing,” he murmured.

“Let me guess,” I said dryly, “you have no intention of explaining why I’m so fucking amazing.”

“Correct, but know that you are not exactly what we expected,” he said.

“Story of my life. Can we get moving?” Time was wasting and I needed my mate and my monsters.

“Do you trust us?” Bambi asked.

What’s with that question? Last time I answered that little ditty I got a massive brain freeze from Hell Hound teeth…

“Will it hurt if I say yes?” I asked, bracing myself for something horrific.

“Possibly,” she said, smiling.

At least she was honest…

“Sure. I, um—trust you to… ”

The searing crack of pain at the back of my skull came from her paw that felt like a ton of bricks as it connected with my head. The room went blurry and the Demons appeared to have grown extra heads and lips. The soul lights looked like a Christmas tree in a cyclone. This was the last fucking time I trusted dogs… Slumping forward on the General’s furry back, everything went dark.

Chapter Thirteen

“She’s dead, you know. It was so deliciously violent and bloody. She screamed and begged… such a coward. They had to decapitate her just to shut her mouth,” the woman said in a tone laced with sex. “She’s not coming back.”

“Interesting,” a familiar male voice answered. “You do realize I would know if that was true.”

“Fine,” she hissed. “But she will be dead soon if you don’t comply with my wishes.”

The man said nothing. Was he considering going along with the woman’s plan?

“I can make it so good for you,” she purred. “I can make you forget her. I promise.”

“No,” he replied. “You can’t. No one can. And if you kill her, I will know. I will come after you every day of my life and destroy you until there’s nothing left to reanimate.”

“Are you flirting with me? That makes me wet,” she giggled maliciously. “You do realize with you chained up like an animal I could simply straddle you and fuck you.”

“You’re forgetting my species, darling. I direct the blood flow and you do nothing for me.”

Was that Ethan… and Lust? I tried to open my eyes, but they wouldn’t cooperate. I was on some kind of fur rug with a heartbeat. Where was I and why were Ethan and Lust talking? And why in the hell was she trying to have sex with my mate? Again, I tried to sit up and speak. Again, nothing happened.

“Have it your way,” she shrieked and a wave of dark magic engulfed wherever the hell I was, “but you will be mine. No one denies me, you bastard. No one.”

“Good luck with that,” he replied in a bored monotone.

A crackle of lightning burst and my eyes shot open. My body was still useless, but I could see. Ethan was chained to a wall with iridescent chains binding his body. I assumed they were enchanted. He was gaunt and pale. There were open gashes on his beautiful arms and torso. Why hadn’t he healed? The lightning hit him in the chest and his body jerked. He grunted, but refused to make any other sound. My need to go to him was overwhelming, but my body refused to agree.

“You stupid, stupid man,” Lust ground out between clenched teeth as she pressed her breasts against his chest. Her eyes were dilated with desire and she cupped him in her hand. He was mine and I was going to kill her.

Except nothing worked—not my body, not my mouth and my brain was mushy. How did I get here? The damn Hell Hounds… I wasn’t laying on a rug with a heartbeat. I was sprawled across General George’s back. I knew I was still cloaked—I was cognizant enough to recognize that magic.

“George, you fucker, help me wake up. I need to kill Lust. Now.”

“Do you think that’s wise?” he asked, seemingly unconcerned that the slut was dry humping my mate.

“Um, yes, I think it’s wise you jackass and I’m going to make it hurt,” I snapped. “Help me or I’ll… ”

“What will you do, Little Astrid?” he inquired.

He had me there. Shit. What would I do? What could I do? These freakin’ dogs had more unexplainable woowoo magic than I’d ever witnessed. I was clueless how to even fight them.

“Please, just help me.”

“Why don’t we think this through for a moment,” George suggested reasonably.

Not feeling reasonable in the least, I imagined myself killing Lust and then kicking George’s ass until he begged for mercy. “General,” I replied as calmly as an insanely angry woman could, “If some skanky dog was mounting Bambi against her will, what exactly would you do?”

“I would kill him.”

“So, why is it that it’s cool for you to off a skanky ho and not me?”

“What feels satisfying in the moment is often the wrong move in the long run.”

“Is there some kind of prerequisite that if you live in Hell you have to talk like a fortune cookie?” I groused.

General George chuckled, but didn’t lift his hairy paw to help me in any way.

“You enjoyed me last time we were together,” Lust cooed, running her hands all over the chest that belonged to me.

Wait. What?

“That was a long time ago and quite honestly I can’t recall much of it. Wasn’t that memorable,” Ethan said.

“You bastard,” she shrieked, slapping his face hard. Her fingernails tore across his chest drawing more blood and leaving angry red welts. “You turned me away when you found out I was a Demon. Well, your precious Astrid is a Demon. Why can you fuck her and not me?”

“I don’t love you.”

My heart tripped at his admission, but he was in the doghouse for popping my slutty cousin…

“Love has nothing to do with it,” she whispered as she licked the blood from his chest. “Your time down here is running out, and if you ever want to see your little whore Astrid again, you’ll have to satisfy my needs. It’d be a shame to watch such a fine specimen of man turn to dust.”

“Do not call my mate a whore.” Ethan’s eyes blazed and the room began to tremble. “Did you hear me?” he shouted in a tone that scared me, and if I’m not mistaken made the General and Bambi flinch as rocks fell from the ceiling and the floor rumbled ominously.

“Stop it,” Lust screamed as she dodged a chunk of rock that would have done some damage to her lovely face. “Stop it,” she screamed. “Someone will come.”

“Answer the question,” he roared as the floor began to separate.

“Yes,” she hissed. “I called her a whore.”

One wall of the room caved in completely and Lust looked terrified. Was she not supposed to be here? Did my lovely Uncle Fucking Satan know about this?

“Never call her that again. Do you understand me?” Ethan’s voice could have cut ice.

“Yes,” she spat angrily, but her body still shook with shock and fear.

Ethan was the Hellquakes…

“Did Ethan cause all the Hellquakes?” I demanded. Did that mean every time Lust hit on him parts of Hell disappeared?

“Yes.”

“You win this round, pretty boy, but as your time runs out you’ll change your tune,” she told him and backed right into Bambi, who growled. Lust jumped away and paled considerably. “What are you filthy dogs doing here?”

Bambi continued to growl low in her throat and General George joined in on the chorus. Lust was furious, but kept her distance from my furry friends. Did they talk to her? It certainly didn’t seem like it.

“Are you spying on me?” Her demeanor was pure evil, but she still stayed as far as she could from the Hell Hounds. Interesting. Maybe the General had been right about listening and learning, not that I’d ever tell him.

“You don’t have to. I’d say I told you so, but… ” George’s voice danced in my head. Shit—we were still connected.

“Can’t she speak with you?” I asked, assuming all Demons or at least Satan’s family could talk to the animals.

“Absolutely not,” Bambi said indignantly. “She is not special. None of those girls are except for our Dixie.”

And apparently me. I’d mull that one over another time. “Can you get rid of her so I can help the man I love?”

“I’m on it,” Bambi said as she advanced menacingly on Lust. Bambi was one scary dog when she wanted to be. Her teeth were bared and her growl was vicious.

“Get away from me, you putrid beast,” Lust demanded.

Bambi didn’t listen. Not one little bit.

“Fine,” she hissed, realizing she was backed into a corner. “I’ll leave.” In a blast of glitter and smoke Lust disappeared.

The General laid my body at Ethan’s feet. His scent calmed me.

“Astrid, this will be uncomfortable,” George explained.

I tensed and waited. I was sure his idea of uncomfortable would be excruciating, but this time he was right. It burned as my coordination and control came back, but it wasn’t intolerable. Now standing in front of my mate, my blood lust and libido went haywire…

“Why can’t he see me?” I asked

“You’re cloaked.”

“But he can see through that.”

“Astrid, shockingly he maintains some of his Vampyric powers, but not all of them. He cannot see you.”

“And he grows weaker by the hour.”

I closed my eyes and willed my corporeal body back. His gasp and anguished cry made my heart leap to my throat.

“Astrid,” he whispered. “My Angel.”

“Oh my God, Ethan,” I said, running my hands gently over his body. He felt like home. “Why aren’t you healing?”

“The chains keep most of my magic in check. I can’t regenerate while I’m bound.”

“Then I suppose those sons of bitches have to go,” I muttered, reaching for the glowing nightmare that kept him immobile.

As my fingertips connected with the shimmering metal, a vicious shock rocked my body and I was thrown across the room.

“Astrid,” Ethan shouted and struggled to free himself.

“I’m good,” I gasped. “I’m okay.”

“Goddamnit,” he roared and dropped his head to his chest.

I stumbled to my feet and moved quickly back to him. “Look at me,” I said, gently raising his chin. “I’m really okay. Are these chains painful to you?” I examined them without touching.

“There’s a low level constant burn, but nothing like what it did to you. I don’t want you touching them again,” he said in a tone that expected no back talk. Clearly he’d forgotten who he was mated to…

“Your Highness.” I grinned cheekily, even though my body still hurt. “There is no way I am leaving you here like this so you can spank me once you’re free.”

“TMI,” George groaned inside my head.

“That’s what you get for listening to my thoughts.” I turned and glared at the General.

“My dear child those were not thoughts. You spoke aloud.”

“Whoops.” I shrugged in apology and turned back to my man.

“Are you talking to the Hounds or me?” Ethan asked, confused.

“The hounds. I stuck my hands in their mouths and the hairy bastards bit me and then we had the communication mojo going. Kind of weird, but apparently there was a fine chance of me dying on this level if I was visible. Of course then they knocked me out and I didn’t get to see any of the horrors. By the way,” I said turning to George. “What level is this?”

“It’s a subfloor below the main level,” he said through his eyebrows in a voice that could clearly be heard by both Ethan and myself.

“But I thought there was the Basement, the Sub-Basement, the Rehab Room, Purgatory and the main floor,” I said, wondering if Dixie had kept information from me.

“So Dante had it all wrong,” Ethan muttered.

“He’ll be here on Thursday night. He plays poker with Satan.”

“What?” Ethan asked.

“I’ll explain later,” I told him with a wave of my hand. “So General and Bambi, this isn’t an actual level?”

“It’s Hell’s waiting room. Of course there are cells to hold prisoners here too,” Bambi explained.

I glanced around at the destroyed room and panicked. “We need to get Ethan out of here before someone comes in to check on him… Wait! Where in the hell are my monsters?” My stomach roiled and I ran around the room looking beneath the rubble. “Damndamndamn.”

“Astrid, stop. They’re here.” Ethan’s voice snapped me out of my frenzied search.

“Where?”

“They’re hanging onto the back of my pants I believe… are they about three inches tall with a breast obsession?”

“Just Abe and Ross,” I sighed, relieved that they were okay. “You can see them?”

“Apparently.” He laughed and shrugged. “They’re quite amusing.”

“Tell me about it. Come out, you little shits.”

They crawled to Ethan’s broad shoulders, careful to avoid his wounds.

“Mommmmmeeeeeeyyyyy,” Abe gushed. “We so happy to see you.”

“Me like Mommy’s mate. He pretty,” Beyonce cooed, giving Ethan little wet kisses.

“We’ll discuss your disappearing act later. Get in my pockets. We’re getting out of here.”

“Doggies,” Ross shrieked and waved wildly at General George and Bambi. The Hell Hounds woofed and wagged their enormous puffy tails. They had tails? How had I not seen those? They were huge. As soon as they were done greeting my babies the tails disappeared. Question answered.

“How you get the chains off the pretty man?” Rachel asked, pointing to the luminous metal while blowing gleeful raspberries at the Hounds.

“I’m not sure, but I’ll figure it out,” I mumbled, staring at the intricate knotting on the chains.

“You will do no such thing,” Ethan snapped, going all alpha Vampyre on me.

“Listen, sweetie,” I shot back. “I would die for you, so a couple of shocks won’t hurt me.”

“And our child?” he asked, staring at me with an expression of wonder mixed with anger.

“I was going to tell you,” I said quickly, “but then a bunch of stuff happened, you know—I killed my mom, then my dad and then the icky Demons showed up and… ”

“And?”

And… I had no excuse. I should have told him the minute I found out. “I’m so sorry.” Tears flooded my eyes and I leaned into his body, avoiding the chains. “I’m sorry.”

“I’m not sorry,” he said gruffly and kissed the top of my head. “I am beyond words. I am more in love with you than I thought possible. I will not let you harm yourself or our child.”

“There’s got to be a way,” I insisted. “General, Bambi, can you undo the magic on the chains?”

“No, child, but you can,” George informed me.

“You gonna tell me how?”

“Now where would the fun in that be?”

“You’re a dick, George. I suppose I have to use some Demon voodoo?” I moaned.

“Yep.” He gave me a Hell Hound grin that would have scared the Cousin Bejesus out of me if I didn’t know him.

“Will my black gloves help?” I asked, already knowing the answer.

“Go for it,” Bambi cheered me on.

Mad. I needed to get mad. Well now, that wouldn’t be too hard…

“So you did my cousin?” I asked Ethan.

“I’m sorry, what?”

“You played hide the salami with Lust?”

“She’s your cousin?” He was surprised.

“Do. Not. Answer. My. Question. With. A. Question.” I yelled. “Did you hit that?”

“Dear God.” Ethan rolled his eyes. “It was over three hundred years ago and I truly don’t remember it.”

“Beside the point,” I said, picturing it. Ewwwww.

“Astrid, you didn’t exist three hundred years ago. Surely you realize I have a past,” he said in that obnoxious Vampyre way that normally turned me on, but not this time.

“But my cousin?”

“Would you mind explaining that?”

“Sure,” I snapped, furious that I couldn’t control my jealousy. “Satan is my uncle and the scarier than hell Seven Deadly Sins are my cousins, along with Beelzebub’s other daughter Dixie who I actually like. Of course, I’d hate to leave out Uncle God and Cousin Jesus, but I haven’t exactly met them yet. And apparently my grandma, Mother Nature, is a ginormous bitch… Did I forget anything? Oh yeah, my grandpa, Satan’s dad—not God’s, likes to pretend he’s a wall and screw with my head. Happy?” I shouted.

For the first time since laying eyes on my beloved Vampyre, he was speechless—utterly speechless.

“Enough about my delightful family tree,” I added, boiling with anger. “Let’s get to work.”

I closed my eyes and felt the dark magic mold itself to my body. It was warm and whispered seductive promises to me I knew it wouldn’t keep. As long as I used it but kept my soul hidden, I would be okay. I hoped.

My Baby Demons gasped in awe as the black sparkles appeared on my arms and chest. Opening my eyes, I saw Ethan’s look of dismay. I had no time to deal with that now. I was what I was and if we were going to have that problem again, I would kill him myself… Tearing my eyes from his, I focused on the chains.

The magic was complicated and woven in a deadly way. Do I just blast the fucker? Will that harm Ethan? Will it harm me? I glanced over at George.

“Go with your gut,” he said simply.

My gut told me to blast the fucker, but my gut had also told me to get hypnotized at a seedy strip mall to stop smoking. That decision turned me into a Vampyre… But wait, I was glad I was a Vampyre. I had Ethan, a family and a baby on the way. Maybe my gut wasn’t so bad after all.

Taking a huge breath, which also surprised Ethan, I closed my eyes and found a very dark place inside my mind. It glowed red and felt wonderful. Opening my eyes so I didn’t inadvertently blow someone’s head off, I aimed at the chains and let her rip. A blaze of sparks flew from my fingertips, unlike the magic I’d used on Grandpa. This was focused, evil and deadly. Ethan’s body jerked violently as the now flaming chains dropped from his body. He lurched forward and fell to the hard ground as the Baby Demons went down with him. They screamed with joyous abandon like they were riding a roller coaster. God help me.

“Again,” Abe shouted, jumping up and down and clapping his little claws.

“Hush,” I told Abe as I ran to Ethan’s crumpled body. Please God, let him be okay. “No, no, no,” I cried as he refused to wake up. My fangs dropped. I ripped into my wrist and placed it over his lips. “Drink,” I yelled. “Drink.”

Slowly his throat moved as my blood poured into his mouth and ran over the sides. The relief was massive. My body sagged, but I kept my wrist firmly clamped to his lips.

“He’ll be okay,” I whispered. “He’ll be fine.”

“We need to leave,” Bambi murmured.

“He needs to get his strength back,” I told her.

“No time,” she said. “It’s far better for him if he doesn’t see anything else down here. Can you cloak yourself, Ethan and your babies?”

“Yes.”

With Bambi’s help, I loaded Ethan’s massive frame over George’s back. I popped my monsters in my pocket and I made our sextet invisible. I felt shaky, having expended so much magic, but there was no time to rejuvenate. I briefly considered drinking from Ethan, but he was so weak I decided against it.

“Are we ready?” George asked.

“As we’re ever gonna be,” I answered, hoping we’d make it out of here but having no clue what to do after that.

“Then let’s go,” he grunted.

And we did.

Chapter Fourteen

Now I knew why they knocked me out the first time through. It was not pretty. If this was the waiting area, I knew I never wanted to see the rest. The thought of my mother in the basement sat heavy on my heart. I was sure if I was cast down there she wouldn’t have given me a second thought, but I was not my mother. She got what she deserved, but I couldn’t shake the constricted feeling in my chest when I thought about her.

Dark and smoky hallways filled with Demons and soul lights were all I could see for what seemed like miles. No one was actually doing anything wrong, but the smell of sex and blood was everywhere. It was depressing and quietly terrifying. Unable to put my finger on exactly why, I attributed it to the muted moaning and crying. I missed the overplayed Journey soundtracks from the main level. The Hounds walked the corridors as if they owned them and were given a wide berth by everything and everyone we passed. The fear they instilled was palpable. Clearly no one knew them the way I did.

“Is your reputation earned?” I asked.

“Yes,” George said.

“Nice.”

“Thank you.”

After a long while we entered the area with the desks, Demons and soul lights. I breathed a sigh of relief only to be followed by a sharp intake of breath.

“What’s wrong, Little Astrid?” Bambi asked, concerned.

“Where will I take Ethan? Can you take us to a portal?”

“Your mate is not strong enough to make it home through a portal and I do believe you have offered your services to help find the Sword of Death. I would have thought you were a woman of your word,” the General huffed indignantly.

“I am,” I hissed. “My intention was to send him home and stay till I finished whatever was expected of me here.”

“Do you really think the most powerful Vampyre in the world would go for that plan?” George chuckled at my lack of foresight.

“I hadn’t thought that far,” I muttered, hating that yet again the General was correct. “Okay, Smartypants, where will he be safe?”

“There is a guest house on Dixie’s property. We will go there.”

“Fine. Go fast. I don’t want to run into anyone I’d have to kill. I’m not in the mood right now,” I said, hoping Ethan would stay knocked out till we arrived.

“As you wish.”

* * *

The guesthouse was charming—one bedroom, a living area, kitchen, dining area and a huge bathroom with a sunken tub. God, I wanted to get in the tub and wash the stench of Hell’s waiting area off of my body, but there was no time for that at the moment.

The Hounds helped me get Ethan to the bed and I wrapped him in blankets after I cleaned his now healing wounds. I tried to feed him more blood, but in his exhausted and unconscious state he refused to cooperate.

“You will need to cloak the house,” Bambi told me through her eyebrows as she peed on the front porch wrought iron furniture.

“Um, is that necessary?” I asked as she continued to mark the flowerbeds, the bird feeder and the small garden shed.

“The cloaking? Yes. The peeing? No, but it’s fun.” She giggled and finished up by urinating on the welcome mat. It smelled like brownies, but it was still gross.

“Once you’ve cloaked the house we shall leave. All you have to do is call us in your mind if you need us. We will come,” George said, admiring Bambi’s work.

“Why?”

“What do you mean?” he asked, lifting his leg and hitting a few spots Bambi had apparently missed.

“Why are you helping me?” Everyone had an ulterior motive here. What was theirs?

“Because you’re special,” his eyebrows bounced, answering logically.

“What does that mean?” I blew out an exasperated sigh and wondered why everyone was so fucking cryptic.

“It’s for me to know and you to find out,” he grunted and then laughed uproariously at his own joke.

“What are you? Five?” I snapped.

“I am far beyond five, but your lack of maturity seems to be rubbing off on me.” He grinned and bowed. “Thank you for an eventful day, Little Astrid. Good luck to you, you will need it.”

“Me want to play with doggies,” Abe screeched from my pocket. Hell’s Bells, I’d forgotten they were in there.

“Me tooooo. Me ride the doggie and jump on him and tickle him,” Rachel added enthusiastically.

“My doggy. Me have the doggy,” Beyonce yelled, flying out of my pocket and landing on the General’s snout.

“Me kick your asssssssssssss,” Ross grunted, dive bombing Beyonce and starting a slap fight of epic proportions on George’s head.

“Enough,” George roared. The Demons froze and looked curiously at him. “If you promise to behave and Astrid okays it you may come for a play date at the Dark Palace.”

A chorus of, “Pleeeeeze Mommmmy,” made my head ache.

“Will they be safe?”

Bambi and the General rolled their beady eyes at me and shook their bulbous heads.

“Fine.” I gave in. The Hounds would probably be able to keep a better eye on them than I could. “You little turds behave,” I said, kissing them. “Will you bring them home tonight?”

“Absolutely.” The Hell Hounds were excited to have little guests and the little guests were screaming with joy so loudly I had to slap my hands over my ears.

In the most beautiful blast of magic and glitter I’d seen yet, the Hell Hounds disappeared with my monsters. Good luck… you’ll need it? That did not sound good. At all. For now I felt relatively safe with the guesthouse cloaked. Dixie would think I’d gone for a walk and I had at least an hour or so to wake Ethan up and get him up to speed.

Locking the doors and windows seemed silly considering I was in a place where people popped up magically, but it made the former human side of me feel more secure. Ethan was still out. He’d kicked off the covers and his muscle bound body was in full view. I ran my fingers over the light sprinkling of blond hair on his chest. I breathed in his scent and snuggled up next to him—warm and safe. He made me whole.

“I love you,” I whispered.

“I love you too, you crazy Vampyre.” His voice was hoarse, but laced with amusement.

I bolted up and took his face in my hands. “Are you okay?”

“I’ve been better, but I would feel very happy if you were naked.”

“You’re a sex addict.” I grinned and whipped my shirt over my head.

“I’m your sex addict,” he shot, back removing his pants and boxer briefs since he was already shirtless. I was stunned motionless. How had I forgotten how beautiful he was? Perfect.

“Pants need to go,” he said, sliding them and my panties down my legs. “Stand up,” he commanded gruffly. I stepped back and let him look. He reverently placed his lips on my still flat stomach and bathed it in sweet kisses. “So gorgeous. So beautiful. Mine.”

With Vampyre speed he put me underneath him. His lips and hands were everywhere and I shuddered in anticipation. His fangs scraped my breasts and my hips bucked involuntarily. His erection pressed into my belly and I moaned.

“No foreplay, Ethan. Please, I need you now.”

The sexy sound he made set my lower regions on fire. I was wet and so ready. My head spun as he trailed his mouth from mine to the place on my neck that made me senseless.

“Now,” I hissed, spreading my legs and wrapping them around him.

“I aim to please,” he growled, lifting my ass with his strong hands.

“Excuse me, kids, I know this might be a bad time and all… ”

WTF? Grandpa?

“Oh my God,” I shrieked and rolled out from under Ethan. Wrapping a sheet over my naked body and putting a pillow over Ethan’s privates I glared at my grandfather. “Grandpa, get out!”

“Right. Of course. I’ll meet you in the living room,” he said, giving Ethan the thumbs up and winking at me.

“Who was that?” Ethan demanded, frustrated and pissed. “And how in the hell did he get in here?”

“My grandpa, and I have no clue. I cloaked the house and locked the doors. Shit,” I groaned, looking at my still fully erect mate. “We’re going to have to get back to this later.” I ran my hand lightly over his ragingly hard erection and damned my grandfather to Hell. I laughed as I realized how redundant that was.

“You think this is funny? I’m not sure I can walk. And if you touch me again,” he threatened, “I don’t care if all of Hell is out there. I’m going to fuck my wife.”

“I like when you say that.” I giggled and grabbed my clothes.

“Which part?” he asked as he retrieved his torn pants and pulled them on.

“Um… all of it, but especially the wife part.”

“You are my wife and my mate and everything that matters to me. Always,” he said, pulling me into his strong arms and kissing me thoroughly.

“Oh, Ethan,” I gasped and pulled back. “We had all the history of Hell wrong.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Too long to tell you everything now, but my dad, Abbadon, was not in charge. He was Satan’s mentally imbalanced brother. He lied to your father.”

“Are you quite sure?”

“Very. Apparently he was a loose cannon and everyone, including Satan, is delighted that he’s gone.”

“That explains the Uncle Satan thing,” Ethan mused, still mulling over the fact that his race had believed what turned out to be fiction for hundreds of years. “Does God exist?”

“Yep. He’s Satan’s brother and he’s good and lives in Heaven. Oh, and Heaven is not up above, it’s just a different plane. Just like Hell isn’t below… different plane. We share the same sun, moon and stars.”

“You’re making me dizzy,” he said, sitting on the edge of the bed.

“Trust me, I know. Totally screwed up, but I didn’t want you sounding like an idiot out there.”

“Why thank you,” he said sarcastically. I realized it was going to take him hundreds of years to get used to me not kissing his ass.

“No problem, sexy. Now come meet my certifiable grandpa.”

Chapter Fifteen

“You’re a fucking Sprite,” Ethan bellowed in disbelief. That certainly wasn’t the best first line when you meet your mate’s extended family…

“Um… Ethan,” I stepped in front of him just in case he decided to punctuate his anger with a little magic or a fist. I knew my grandpa was a True Immortal and I had no clue if that came with extra super powers. I just got my mate back and I was taking no chances. “He’s a Sprite and a Demon. He’s the one who helped me at my mother’s memorial service.”

“How did he help you?”

“He gave me the clue about how to kill her,” I told him. This seemed to calm him down a little bit…

“Have you grabbed her ass?” Ethan demanded of my grandpa, who was highly amused by all of this.

“Most certainly not,” he huffed. “I am far too busy avoiding my shrew of a wife to be grabbing anyone’s ass. And I would never grab my granddaughter’s ass. Ever.”

“Okay then, now that we’ve all met and sniffed each other’s butts, why are you here and how in the hell did you get through my cloaking?” I asked my cute little bastard of a grandpa.

“Darling, nothing keeps me out of where I want to be,” he explained, making himself comfortable on the couch.

“You answered half. Why are you here?” I demanded. Keeping my grandpa on track was similar to herding greased cats.

“Fucking Sprites,” Ethan muttered under his breath.

“I can hear you,” Grandpa snapped.

“I certainly hope so,” Ethan replied politely.

Help me, Cousin Jesus.

“Enough.” I glared at Ethan and then turned my ire on my gramps. “Spit it out or leave.”

“Fine, dear,” he sighed dramatically. “When it came to my attention that you busted your boyfriend out I was worried about both of you.”

“You knew he was being held? Like an animal? Being molested by a slut named Lust?” I shouted.

“Yes. No and no,” he answered, looking a bit put out.

“What exactly are you upset about?” I asked. “The fact that he was being held or the torture he was being put through?”

“I’m quite perturbed that I didn’t know this. I am sorry that the father of your child was treated disrespectfully, despite the fact that he is rude. That was not ordered by anyone to my knowledge.”

“Would my Uncle Fucker have ordered this?”

“Astrid, I’d avoid that endearment,” Gramps admonished. “Lucifer’s sense of humor isn’t that broad.”

“I wasn’t joking.”

“Yes, well… let’s get back to the matter at hand,” Grandpa was flustered. It was incongruous with what I’d seen of him thus far, but what did I know? I thought he was a wall. “How long do you feel that you’ve been here?” he asked Ethan.

“A day—maybe two. Do you run consecutively with Earth time?”

“Not exactly,” Grandpa told him. “But you confound me. You have your power. Vampyres are always rendered magic-free in Hell. Why are you different?”

“Because of me,” I said. Both men looked at me and waited. Ethan wasn’t going to like what I was about to say, but… “He’s had my blood. Would that make the difference?”

Ethan’s jaw worked silently, but he said nothing. Grandpa sat quietly and considered.

“Yes, it would make a difference if… ” He stopped himself.

“If what?” I asked. The time for half stories and ‘Let’s Let Astrid Figure It Out On Her Own’ was over. “If what?” I repeated.

“I’m not at liberty to say,” he muttered and rubbed his cute little head, making his hair stand on end.

“Oh, for God’s sake,” I yelled. “I’ve got a little problem here and if you can help me I would really appreciate it.”

“That’s Uncle God to you,” he corrected. I rolled my eyes and plastered my arms to my sides so I wouldn’t slap him.

“The issue is that I can survive a week in Hell. I need to know how time is running,” Ethan said, avoiding eye contact with me.

“You can only be here a week?” I shrieked and Ethan nodded. “Can you find out or adjust the time thingie?” I asked Grandpa frantically.

“That is very complicated.” Gramps looked pained and frightened.

“If he dies I join him.”

“What? You can’t die.” Gramps was shocked. Clearly he didn’t know everything.

“We’re mated—if one of us dies the other follows. So as I see it, you have a couple of choices. Take us to a portal so I can send Ethan home and complete whatever I have to do here… ”

“Not an option,” Ethan snapped.

“Alrighty then, Pops, you have one choice. Stop time on Earth until I find your stinking Sword of Death.”

“Shit.” Grandpa turned green and then ghostly white. “There’s only one way.”

“Will it hurt?” I asked, expecting something hideous.

“Not you, my dear. Me.”

That stopped me. As much as I wanted to throttle the tiny man, I had fallen a little in love with my grandpa. “Will it kill you?”

“Oh no,” he laughed. “I actually enjoy a bit of pain.”

“TMI, Gramps. What do we have to do?”

“I have to call in a favor with your grandma,” he whispered. His head snapped around and he fearfully searched the room.

“Is she here?” I asked quietly, backing into a corner in case the ceiling caved in.

“What’s happening?” Ethan asked, picking up on the terror.

“Not sure,” I muttered, “but come stand by me just in case.”

He hopped up and joined me. Grandpa swallowed several times, ran his hands through his already messy hair and then chanted in a language that was vaguely familiar to me. The melody was transfixing and I found myself swaying.

Slowly the carpet turned to grass and the furniture to boulders and bushes. The curtains transformed from brocade to blindingly colorful flowering vines. The scents were divine. Trees sprouted and burst through the ceiling. Heavy unfamiliar orange and blood red fruit hung from the branches. Pastel colored birds flew gracefully around the room and tiny monkeys hopped from the limbs to the bushes. I idly wondered if the house would ever go back to normal, but this was so gorgeous, I didn’t really care.

“It’s beautiful,” I said as a purple bird landed on my shoulder.

“Son of a bitch, shit, hellfire and damnation,” a female voice screamed. “I was in the middle of Jeopardy. This had better be good, or I’ll turn your ass into a tree.”

The voice, hypnotically beautiful, did not match the words flying from the mouth of the disheveled beauty standing in the middle of the forest that used to be a guesthouse. She wore a gown made of a sheer sparkling fabric like none I’d ever seen. Yards and yards of the tulle-like material floated around her. Her hair was a wild mass of fiery red curls and her skin was a pale porcelain. But her eyes… her eyes were the clearest, brightest blue and they glittered. She was the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen and she was pissed.

Her magic filled the room. It had an earthy scent to it with a distinct undertone of malice. Every move she made was sensual and dangerous. Shit, I hoped this was the right decision.

“Bill, this is not good timing,” she hissed. “That smug bastard Alex Trebek mispronounced a word and I was watching the gas filled douchewanker squirm. It was glorious.”

Grandpa’s name was Bill? Satan’s father was named Bill? How was that possible? I bit back the hysterical laughter that was trapped in my throat and prayed that she wouldn’t notice us.

“Gaia, lovely to see you,” Grandpa Bill stuttered.

She eyed him critically and then gifted him with a smile. A smile so brilliant, it would have killed a mere mortal. Grandma had some major mojo going on…

“I prefer Gigi,” she snapped, turning to me. “Grandma sounds old.”

Fuck, another mind reader.

She laughed with delight and then sucked in a quick startled breath. Her eyes narrowed and she walked toward me. Ethan being an alpha dude and my mate stepped in front of me, staking his claim and warning Mother Nature.

“Silly, silly Vampyre,” she murmured, pushing him away with a mere flick of her finger. “You. You are so pretty.”

“Thank you, so are you,” I said and then went for the big one. “I, um… killed your son—my father.”

“Yes, yes. Thank you, dear,” she muttered searching my face.

Wow, not what I expected. No one liked my dad… not even his nutty mother. “Why in the hell is everyone so scared of you?”

I heard Grandpa’s gasp and Ethan’s moan of displeasure. I rolled my eyes. By now they had to know I was a loose cannon. Having no clue how long Gigi was going to stick around, I decided to get right down to business.

“Because I’m a woman with power and a monthly cycle,” she said, adjusting her ample bosom. Bill cleared his throat. Twice. “Alright, fine, I’m a little unstable and prone to fits that result in earthquakes, typhoons and volcanic eruptions. Happy?” she snapped and glared at her husband. He winked and she giggled. Bizarre.

I shut my brain doors, knowing at some point I would think something that would piss her off. Could I just ask her to stop time? Did Grandpa need to ask? What would I owe her?

“So is anybody going to tell me why I’m here? There is a Full House marathon coming on and I think that show is so heinous I must watch it.”

Mother Nature watches Jeopardy and Full House… How did I end up here? Only short months ago I was a single art teacher with nothing exciting on the horizon. Now I was a Vampyre-Demon who turns out to be related to every mythical and religious figure imaginable. WTF?

“Well, um… we were wondering, you know, since my mate, Ethan, can only, um… ” She was making me nervous. What if I caused a tsunami? I’d be sick about that.

“Forgive me, son,” she muttered and made the sign of the cross, “I’m about to sin… again. Goddamnit, I don’t have time for this. Get to the fucking point or I’ll blow up the left side of Hell and let you explain that to my other shit of a son who NEVER comes to visit me.”

She stomped around the room. Her little monkeys followed her faithfully and the birds flew in a halo formation around her head.

“I am sick and tired of nobody visiting. It’s fucking boring in Nirvana and I need chocolate,” she yelled.

I glanced at a terrified Ethan and Grandpa. Gigi had progressed to a kicking and screaming fit on the grassy floor and her monkeys had gone ballistic. She was C-R-A-Z-Y and we needed her help. Awesome.

Dashing to what used to be the kitchen I scrounged around, and praise Cousin Jesus, I found chocolate. Gigi was nuts and dangerous, but she didn’t seem evil like my mom. Honestly, she needed a good kick in the pants and most definitely some chocolate.

Her fit had escalated to a degree that was nothing short of terrifying and the monkeys were shrieking and fighting. The birds were no longer graceful—they were dive bombing Grandpa and Ethan, both of whom were hiding under bushes. Enough was enough. This shit was ending now. I was certain her tantrum was going to bring every Demon in Hell to my doorstep and I needed to have time stopped before that happened.

Panic settled in my throat. A True Immortal and a Master Vampyre were hiding from her. Was I an idiot to think I could stop her? Yes. Yes, I was. The ramifications of her fit were a big unknown and that scared me. Could she cause some horrific destruction on earth because she was rolling around on the floor stringing more swear words together than even I knew? She didn’t seem to be the kind of gal who destroyed the world on purpose—she simply appeared to be completely out of control. I wondered for a second if she’d ever tried hormone therapy… would that even work on an immortal?

“Gigi,” I shouted in a harsh voice I pulled out of my butt. “Stop it. NOW. Is it any wonder nobody visits you? You’re a fucking disaster.” I heard my grandpa whimper and Ethan groaned. That took some nerve. They were hiding… the cowards.

Mother Nature sat up with a look of shock on her face that was priceless and damned scary. Was she going to zap me dead or listen to reason? It was anyone’s guess…

“Did you just call me a fucking disaster?” she asked in a very low tone. My gut clenched and I felt a little lightheaded.

“Yes. Yes, I did. You are acting like a two year old and I’m worried that you’re going to blow up half of the continental USA if you don’t get a handle on your tantrum.”

“No one has ever called me a fucking disaster,” she shouted.

“Well, then no one that you hang with has balls,” I shouted back.

There was a long silence where I calculated the odds of how much longer I had to live. I slowly handed her the chocolate, hoping she didn’t bite my hand off.

“Do you really think this is why no one visits?” She sounded like a lost little girl for a moment, but she was no child. She was a dangerous, slightly deranged woman with a ton of magic. She broke off a small piece of the chocolate and popped it in her mouth.

“Yes, I do. Would you want to visit you?” I squatted down next to her and helped her to a sitting position. I was sure I heard Bill squeak in fear.

“I suppose not,” she pouted. “It is a tiny bit unnerving.”

“Exactly,” I told her as I adjusted her dress and tucked her hair behind her ears. “You need to ease up on the fits and maybe try some yoga or meds or something.”

“Do you think that would help?”

Damn, she was pretty.

“I would think so. Do you have any friends? Or hobbies?”

She thought hard and then shook her head sadly. Her red curls bounced and her perfect mouth pursed. “No. No friends or hobbies although I’ve always wanted to take up knitting and pole dancing.”

“Well,” I stuttered, biting down hard on my lip so I wouldn’t laugh. “You should try that. You might even make some friends if you take a pole dancing class.”

“I think I will.” She laughed and her monkeys clapped wildly. She tossed them the rest of the chocolate and they munched happily. The birds again created a halo around her head. “I like you, Astrid. You will be my new friend. Of course you are my granddaughter, but more importantly, you will visit me in Nirvana or I’ll come to Kentucky. We will shop and go to movies and I will babysit your child once it’s born and we will go to spas and wrestling matches. What do you think?”

She waited anxiously for my reply. Most of it sounded good except for her babysitting and the wrestling matches.

“Yep, I’m in.” I heard Ethan gasp and I grinned. “But I have a problem.”

“Oh dear, are you premenstrual and want to kill people or drown a city?” she asked with great sincerity.

“Um, no. I was wondering if you would stop time on Earth while I… ”

“Done,” she said.

“Don’t you want to know why?” I asked.

“I already know,” she trilled and took my face in her hands. “But I only bestow gifts on those who are worthy. You, my child, are worthy. Time will resume when the mission impossible has been accomplished. Ohhhhhhhhhh, I love that movie. Don’t you? Tom Cruise is such a cutie.”

Grandpa harrumphed from under his bush and Gigi giggled.

“Anyhoo, I’m horny and I want the Sword of Death tucked away in the Den of Iniquity where it belongs. I’m so not in the mood to be killed when you’ve given me a new lease on life, Astrid.”

Deciding to ignore the horny part I touched on the storage of the Sword instead. “Why on earth would the Sword be kept in The Den of Iniquity? Seems a little dicey to me,” I said, surprised the True Immortals would be fine with that.

“Oh no, dear, it’s perfect. Trust me.”

Clearly it wasn’t perfect if someone had taken it, but I didn’t want to kill her happy buzz.

“Bill, you’ll be coming home with me,” she cooed to Grandpa. “I have an itch that needs to be scratched for about a week or so.”

“My pleasure.” Grandpa grinned like a teenage boy about to score big and moved quickly to her side.

“Astrid darling, we’ll be in touch. I’m going to get us signed up for pole dancing classes!”

“Great,” I said, pulling Ethan out from under the bush. “This is my mate, Ethan.”

“Ohhhhhh, he’s dreamy. Take care of her or I’ll smite you.” She smiled sweetly, blew me a kiss and in a burst of rose and turquoise colored glitter she and Grandpa disappeared.

“If I hadn’t witnessed that, I would never have believed it,” Ethan muttered.

“Um, me neither.” I giggled and dropped to the couch. WTH? The house had been totally returned to a house. Aside from a few gorgeous plants that had appeared in shimmering pots, you’d never know we’d been in a forest only moments ago.

“What’s next?”

“I’m not sure. I suppose I should have a chat with Uncle Fucking Satan.”

“I have been called many things, but that one is new to me,” Satan said, standing in the doorway. “I’m not quite sure I like that.”

“Oh my God,” I shouted. “Have you ever heard of knocking?”

“Now where would the fun in that be? Introduce me to your Vampyre.”

“Ethan, Satan. Satan, Ethan,” I said warily.

“Lovely to meet you, Ethan. Why don’t we all have a seat and have a little get to know you time?”

I had a feeling this would either be a clusterfuck… or a clusterfuck.

Chapter Sixteen

I sat on the couch witnessing the surreal exchange of pleasantries between the King of the Underworld and the strongest Vampyre alive who also happened to be a Prince. The simple truth that one was my uncle and one was my mate was bizarre. Of course the other fact was that even though they were older than dirt, they both looked around thirty. Ahhhh, the life of an immortal.

“I’d like to offer my most sincere apologies for your treatment thus far,” Satan said, clearly disturbed that he was unaware of the situation.

Mind you, the torture didn’t seem to bother him as much as the fact he didn’t know about it… Getting used to this side of the family was going to be a challenge.

Ethan simply nodded and watched my uncle carefully.

“Strong silent type,” Satan mused, examining Ethan just as closely.

The beauty in the room was stupid. I exhaled the breath I was holding slowly because I hadn’t realized I was holding it. I knew for certain my attraction to my uncle was in no way sexual, but his sheer charisma was shattering. Ethan was the only person so far to be unaffected. Uncle Fucker didn’t like that.

“Ethan, my boy, do you play poker?”

Ethan’s body tensed at the word boy, but he didn’t lash out physically. No, he was far too clever for that.

“Actually I do, Uncle Fucker. May I call you Uncle Fucker?” he inquired politely. “I assume I’ll be meeting so many members of Astrid’s family, I’d like to get the monikers correct.”

“Satan will be fine,” my uncle answered tersely.

“Will Dante be there?” I asked, changing the subject. A fight was out of the question.

“Yes,” Satan sighed dramatically. “He’s an insufferable bore, but he always shows up and it would just be rude to turn him away.”

“I’ve heard he’s an ass,” Ethan added. “I assume he went a bit girly when he realized his fiction was truly fiction.”

“Yes, yes,” the Devil laughed heartily. “The son of a bitch got his panties in quite the wad.”

“Who else will be playing?” I inquired, happy the little powwow was going so well.

“I do believe Hemingway will be there and we may get lucky enough to be graced by Mother Teresa.”

“Mother Teresa lives in Hell?” Ethan couldn’t hide his shock.

“Sweet Nephew Jesus, no. None of my poker buddies reside in Hell. They just take the bus over once a week to have a little fun. It’s a bit stuffy at my brother’s house.”

“Interesting,” Ethan said.

“So are you in, my man?” Satan asked.

“What do you play for?” my mate asked warily. I didn’t Vampyre-marry no dummy.

“Why, favors of course. If I win you make a little deal with the Devil.”

“And if I win?” Ethan crossed his arms over his chest and waited.

“You make a deal with me.”

“So technically either way it’s a deal with the Devil… ” Ethan grinned, sat back and ran his hands through his hair. “I’m in. It will be good to rub it in with Dante and to kick your ass.”

“We shall see.” Satan grinned back. “It’s formal attire.”

“Problem,” I said.

My Uncle snapped his fingers and boxes and hanging bags full of clothing from the world’s finest designers appeared before our eyes. “Problem solved. I will see you this evening.”

With that he vanished. We sat in silence. I pondered the thought of meeting Hemingway and Mother Teresa and I wondered if anyone had ever beaten the Devil at poker.

“Today’s Thursday?” I asked.

“Looks that way,” Ethan muttered, letting his head fall back on his shoulders. “Do you think he cheats?”

“Most definitely,” I said, eyeing the bags labeled Prada.

“Angel,” he said in a voice that stopped me and made my tummy flip. “I believe we have some unfinished business.”

“I believe we do.” I slowly eased my shirt over my head as his eyes went from golden to green. “Should we adjourn to the boudoir?” I giggled as I slipped out of my pants and panties.

“Nope. I’d like to christen the couch, armchair and kitchen table for starters.”

His arm muscles stretched as he removed his pants—corded and strong. He was Heaven and sin personified and he was mine.

“Sounds like a plan,” I choked out. My body ached with need and speech was difficult. “Do you want me to come over there?”

“I want you to come everywhere—over and over again.”

Oh my God, that was hot. My knees buckled and he was on me faster than I could blink. I moaned as he manhandled my ass and ground me into his very happy camper.

“I want you,” he hissed in my ear. “I’m going to fuck you until you can’t remember your name.”

“That works for me,” I gasped, grinding against him. “Why are you knocking on the wall?”

“What?”

“You’re knocking on the wall,” I said as I tried to pull him to the floor. “Stop. It’s weird.”

“I thought it was you.”

“Why would I be knocking on the wall?”

“We’re not by a wall.” He groaned and stared at the ceiling. “We’re in the middle of the fucking room.

He was correct. “Then what the hell… ?”

“Astrid?” Dixie called from outside the front porch door. “Are you in there? I just got out of therapy and Daddy told me you were back here.”

“Shitshitshit, who did I screw over to deserve this? I’m gonna have blue balls,” I snapped, grabbing my clothes and yanking them on. Pre-orgasm. Again.

“Who is that?” Ethan ground out, clearly suffering from a very real bout of blue balls.

“My cousin, Dixie. She’s the one I like. Can you wait a little longer?” I asked, half hoping he’d say no…

“Can you?”

I nodded my head even though I wanted to cry in frustration. Was this like that tantric sex shit I read about? If it was, it sucked.

“It’s against every instinct that I have, but I’ll wait. However, when I have you later, it won’t be pretty, gentle or nice.

I shuddered and almost tripped over my pants. “Promise?”

“Swear.”

“Be right there, Dixie,” I yelled. Making sure Ethan was as covered as he could be with his ripped pants, I pushed him down on the chair and slapped a throw pillow over his enormous erection. Giving him a wink and flashing him my boobs, I opened the door.

“Astrid, are you okay?” Dixie burst in the room and checked me over from head to toe.

“I’m good.”

“Daddy told me you’d been to the waiting area and some trouble went down. Did someone hurt you or try to force you to a lower level? Tell me what they looked like and I’ll have them banished to the Basement. I’d like to destroy them if they hurt you, but you do look fine. Maybe a little flushed, but fine.”

“Dixie, I… ”

“I know I’m not supposed to actually kill anyone, but I swear to Uncle God, I’d do it if you’d been harmed. I promise I won’t leave you again—not even for a moment while you’re here. I’ll keep my back turned in the bathroom, or we can just pee with the door open.”

“I’m a Vamp. I don’t actually do that.”

“Right. Vamps don’t pee. I forgot. Wow, that’s got to be convenient on long car rides. Anyhoo, I’ll still be here and just turn away when you need some privacy. Damn, if I had my power I could shapeshift into a dog or something cool like that, but my magic hasn’t come in all the way yet.”

“Dixie, are you through?” I asked, worn out by her diatribe and touched by her concern.

She bit her pretty lip and thought for a moment. “Yes. Yes, I am.”

“I went to the waiting area with General George and Bambi. I sensed that my Baby Demons had gone there. The Hell Hounds were amazing and I found not only my little monsters, but also my mate.”

“You found a mate in the waiting room of Hell?” she asked doubtfully.

“Um, no. I found my mate from my life on Earth. He was chained and being tortured by your… some Demons.”

“No,” she gasped. “I certainly hoped you killed them.”

For someone who didn’t kill, she was awfully bloodthirsty.

“No, not that I didn’t want to,” I said, remembering Lust slinking all over Ethan’s bound body. “No, I’ll take care of his torturer in a more creative and painful way.”

“Good,” she nodded with approval. If she only knew.

“Your offer to be my protector is lovely, but I do have my mate and he’s a badass mofo.”

“But he’s only a Vampyre and their magic doesn’t work here,” she said.

“I beg to differ,” Ethan said from the couch.

“Oh Hell,” Dixie shrieked and jumped behind me. Peeking out, she grinned sheepishly and waved. “Guess I would have made a crappy bodyguard… ”

“You make a better cousin,” I teased, then took her hand and drew her over to the couch. “Dixie, this is my mate Ethan.”

“Nice to meet you,” she whispered, clearly awestruck by his beauty.

“Nice to meet you too.” He grinned and she blushed. I even felt myself swoon under the spell of his wicked smile. “I want to thank you for being good to Astrid and my child. It will not be forgotten.”

“You’re the father of the Baby Demons?” Dixie sputtered. “Astrid, I had no idea that you’d given birth to those little cuties. I thought you found them. I guess it’s kind of odd that you have three-inch kids, but maybe that’s because you mated with a Vampyre. I’m kind of shocked you can have kids since you’re dead and all… but I think it’s great that you don’t make them feel bad or inferior, not that you would… Oh my Hell, they actually ate their own grandfather.” She turned a pale shade of green when she put that theory together. In truth, she had put nothing together, but she was talking so damned fast I couldn’t get a word in edgewise.

“Done?” I asked.

“Um, sure.”

“I most certainly did not give birth to the hooter obsessed Baby Demons,” I laughed. “They have about fifty to sixty years on me and Vampyres have normal sized kids.” I glanced over at Ethan for confirmation on this and he shrugged his shoulders. WTF? I was aware that Vampyres didn’t normally have babies, but he didn’t have to be an unsupportive dick about it. Now I was going to worry that I’d be blowing out an alien until the big day arrived. “Whatever,” I huffed, and gave him the evil eye. He was going to be working those blue balls for a while. “Dixie, I’m pregnant now. It’s a boy.”

“When are you due?” Her body tensed with excitement. “I’ll be coming to Earth in six months. Maybe I’ll be there for the birth! I can babysit for you.”

Did all immortals consider themselves good babysitters? Dixie was a vast improvement over Gigi, but…

“I met Grandma.”

“No way.” She backed herself up to the wall and scanned the room nervously.

“Yep. She wants to be called Gigi. Grandma makes her feel old. She’s planning on taking up knitting and pole dancing and I suggested that she might want to try some meds.”

“And you’re still alive?”

“As a dead person can be. She offered to babysit too.”

“Oh… um, I’m not sure you want to do that,” she hedged. “Grand, um, Gigi is fucking insane,” she said in a rush and then slapped her hand over her mouth in terror.

I laughed, but checked the room as well. Another visit would be one too many at the moment. “She took Grandpa home with her. For a week.”

“That will be loud.” Dixie giggled and rolled her eyes.

“Yep,” I agreed. “So will you play poker tonight?

“No, normally I watch, but I’m meeting some friends.” She picked very seriously at her nails as a slow blush travelled up her neck and landed squarely on her lovely cheeks.

“Friends?”

“Well, um… a friend, but my dad doesn’t know and I… ”

“Secret’s safe with me,” I told her, grinning.

She glanced over at Ethan. “My lips are sealed.”

“Thanks.”

“When do we have to be there?” I asked as I waded through the piles of clothes. Satan had thought of everything. There were undergarments as well as casual clothes mixed in with the formal wear. So much for going commando…

“In an hour. Go ahead and change and I’ll be over to pick you up in forty-five.”

I peeked over at Ethan as Dixie raced out. His grimace of pain made me smile. “No time for nookie,” I purred. I need to shower and daydream about our three-headed, four-armed baby.”

“Our son will be perfect,” he growled as he tried to stand, only to hunch forward due to his unsatisfied hard-on. “I’m letting you play this little game, Angel, but the consequences will be devastating.”

“Promises, promises.” I laughed as he chased me to the bathroom. I couldn’t wait to get back here tonight. I was going to ride him till he was blind.

Chapter Seventeen

The poker room was brightly lit, but the ambiance was anything but friendly. It was as overly opulent as the other parts of the palace that I’d visited. Highly glossed marble covered the floors and rich brocades and velvets covered the furniture and walls. The focal point was the table in the middle of the room—a heavy mahogany top with carved and bloodied headless cherubs holding it up. Nice. The dark atmosphere was in direct conflict with Steven Perry’s voice belting out Open Arms. Ethan gave me the silent raised eyebrow and I shrugged and giggled. I’d forgotten to tell him about my uncle’s Journey obsession.

I recognized Hemingway immediately. He sat silently at the table nursing a martini. His demeanor didn’t invite chit-chat, so I kept my distance. A pompous, sullen looking man lounged on a furry black chaise lounge in the corner—had to be Dante. He was clearly pouting about something, but in ironic contrast, he sang along with the music.

Assuming Satan would make an entrance, I wasn’t surprised he hadn’t shown up yet. Neither had Mother Teresa… but Mister Rogers had. WTF? Mister Rogers shouldn’t be playing poker in Hell with Satan. He should be feeding fish and making new neighbors in Heaven. Did he even realize where he was?

“Ethan,” I whispered. “That’s Mister Rogers.”

“Mister who?”

“Mister Fucking Rogers,” I hissed, covertly nodding my head in his direction. He was wearing the cardigan and everything.

“His first name is Fucking?” my mate asked with a smirk.

“No. His first name is Fred and I can’t believe he’s here. I love him.”

Ethan glanced over at Fred and waved. Fred smiled and waved back, then proceeded to change from his dress shoes into some tennis shoes.

“No one will believe this,” I muttered.

As I gaped at my childhood idol, eight Demons entered the room and placed themselves in strategic areas. Interesting. Ethan’s body tensed and for the umpteenth time since I arrived in Hell I wished I was armed.

“How much of a handle do you have on your power?” Ethan telepathically asked as he sized up the Demons.

“Why? Do you think I’m going to need it?”

“Unclear at the moment, but I’m assessing our arsenal.”

“Apparently I have an assload of power. I need to get angry to use it and I’m not real sure how to control it.”

“Outstanding.”

“Sarcasm will not get you laid.”

Ethan’s mega watt smile made my knees turn to jelly. He’d get laid no matter what… and he knew it.

“I’d be surprised if Satan wants violence in his own home, but stranger things have happened,” he said.

The poker quintet appeared to be Ethan, Mr. Rogers, Hemingway, Dante and the Devil. The Demons were the bodyguards and Dixie’s therapy group was the staff. Wait. What? Carl, Janet and Myrtle were circling the room with trays of hors d'oeuvres.

“You look lovely, Miss Astrid,” Janet tittered, complimenting the tight red Prada halter dress I wore. “Would you care for a Soy-Pig-in-the-Blanket?”

“I’m sorry, what?” I asked, taking a closer look at the tray. Sure enough it was loaded with little pastry covered cocktail weenies. “Satan likes tiny hot dogs?”

“Oh yes, but the fake meat kind. He also likes Velveeta cheese dip and s’mores. I think Carl is serving the dip and Myrtle is passing around the s’mores,” she chirped happily and popped a soy weenie in her mouth.

“Wow.” I stopped there, swallowing all the other things that came to mind.

“Want one? They’re the bomb,” she explained with her mouth full.

“Um, no. I don’t eat food.”

“Right,” she said, mortified. “My goodness, I’m so sorry.” In her nervousness, she shoved about six more mini dogs into her mouth.

“No worries.” I gave her a quick squeeze and a hearty slap on the back as she choked on her mound of weenies. “So this is your job?”

“It is now.” She swallowed and stood up straighter. “We’re living in the Dark Palace preparing to go to Earth with Dixie in six months. Satan, my savior, wants us close so he can monitor our progress.”

Satan, my savior? Sweet Cousin Jesus in a miniskirt, I needed to get the hell out of here soon. “Well, that sounds awesome. You guys doing therapy anymore?”

“Definitely.” She nodded and popped a few more weenies in her mouth. “We have a new therapist though. Oh my, will you look at that?” She stared in shock at her serving tray. “The weenies are gone. I need to get more from the kitchen before the Devil gets here or there will be hell to pay.” She guffawed at her pun and scurried away. I was tempted to tell her she’d eaten a dozen in my presence alone, but that would be rude and I liked her.

Dante refused food or drink, but Hemingway was chowing down on the s’mores. Mister Rogers had brought his own snack. He laid apples, peanut butter and carrots neatly on a plate that he pulled from his pleather briefcase. Tucking a napkin into the collar of his shirt, he dug in while Hemingway watched in fascination.

“Are you for real, man?” Ernest bellowed at Mister Rogers.

“Oh yes,” Fred replied kindly. “Would you care for an apple? I may even have a protein bar in my bag.”

“No, no. The s’mores are just fine,” he grumbled and shoved one whole s’more into his mouth to punctuate his point. Fred just smiled and gave Hemingway a neighborly thumbs up.

Surreal didn’t even begin to cover this evening. There were six chairs at the table and I wondered if Mother Teresa might still show up… Nope. That hope was dashed when one of the uptight Demon guards removed the sixth chair and took it from the room. The music pounding through the speakers stopped abruptly and a hush went through the room. I stuck close to Ethan for many reasons. He smelled amazing and I wasn’t sure which one of us was stronger at the moment. There was no way in Hell or anywhere else I would let anything happen to him. Ever.

“Please rise for the King of the Underworld,” one of the guards grunted in a menacing voice.

Everyone did.

Satan’s entourage entered first; his second in command Cole, looking very foreboding, followed by an overly made up and scantily clad Amanda. I stared in wonder at her repaired lips. I was certain they were bigger.

“That’s Satan’s consort,” I told Ethan. “She’s pregnant with his child and claims it’s a boy.”

“Would a male child knock one of the Sins out as the heir apparent?”

“No clue, but that could be a clusterfuck.” That really could be a clusterfuck…

“That’s an understatement.”

Speak of the Devil, pun intended, next came the Sins—all seven of them. They were dressed in evening attire and they were gorgeous. Lust in particular was striking. She glanced over at us and her eyes rounded for a brief second in shock, then narrowed to slits. I wanted to tear her ass apart. I knew that wouldn’t go over too well at a party, so I decided to bide my time.

“Good evening,” Satan shouted joyously from the doorway. He’d chosen his entrance well. The backlighting from the hallway bathed him in a golden glow, creating the illusion of an entire body halo. I grinned at his audacity. He was a first class beautiful bastard and I liked him. “Theodore, please share the rules with our guests.”

One of the Demons stepped to the middle of the room. Satan waltzed in and trapped Amanda in a passionate embrace. Watching the Devil seduce a woman was like watching live porn. Holy Hell, I bit down on my lip to keep from shouting, “Get a room.” The Sins did some massive eye rolling and Cole turned away in embarrassment or disgust—I couldn’t tell which.

Theodore cleared his throat and Satan ended his little performance. “There shall be one winner. There will be ten rounds. The player with the most wins shall be the champion. If the winner is not Satan,” Theodore paused dramatically, “the winner will decide the parameters in the deal with the Devil. If Satan wins, he shall make a deal with each and every one of you.” Theodore stepped back to his spot.

“What the hell kind of rules are those?” Dante demanded petulantly. “I call bullshit.”

“Then leave,” Satan said and everyone froze. “But, Dante my friend, if you leave you shall never be allowed back.”

Dante cleared his throat several times and shifted back and forth. His gaze narrowed and his face turned an unbecoming shade of red. “I can abide by the rules,” he muttered and took a seat at the table.

“You’re a fucking opportunist asshole, but I’m in,” Hemingway bellowed with a shit eating grin on his face.

“Carl,” Satan instructed. “Please bring Ernest a fresh martini. Use the chilled glasses and the cold onions. And make it dry.”

“Good man,” Hemingway grunted as he took his seat. “Good man.”

“Now, neighbor, while I do find your rules a bit slanted in your favor, I’ve been looking forward to this for months. I’m in,” Mister Rogers said sweetly. “And Carl, if it’s not too much trouble, I’d love a glass of milk and some cookies.”

“Thath no trouble at all, thir,” Carl said, bowing to Mister Rogers.

“Thank you.”

Ethan said nothing. He walked to the table and took his seat. Damn, he was hot. Unfortunately all my cousins and the skank-ass Amanda thought so too. Lust couldn’t keep her eyes off of him and it made me feel a little crazy.

“Green doesn’t become you,” Ethan said.

“Everything becomes me,” I snapped. His chuckle bounced around inside my head and I almost slapped him until he sent a visual of what he planned to do to me later this evening. “Okay, fine. I won’t kill her, but I want to.”

His wink made me smile. He was mine. I had nothing to worry about.

“Let the games begin,” my uncle said.

The atmosphere shifted quickly to intense in complete juxtaposition to Journey’s greatest hits that spilled out of the hidden speakers. I watched the players, but I also watched the peanut gallery. Cole kept his eyes firmly on Amanda as she stared moon eyed at my uncle. He clearly didn’t trust her and I was curious what he knew. Dante kept glancing up at the Sins. From where I stood, it was unclear who he was making eye contact with. It was either Sloth or Greed. Greed. It was definitely Greed. Interesting. Was she helping him cheat? Would those girls work against their father?

Carl, Janet and Myrtle quietly made sure drinks were full and no one went without as many weenies as they wanted. Janet placed a large plate of pigs in a blanket next to Satan and he savored them the same way some enjoy fine caviar. Bizarre. Hemingway threw back his martinis and Carl kept them coming at the Devil’s discreet nods. I was certain the drinks got stronger and stronger.

Dante sipped wine and Mister Rogers drank his milk and ate his cookies. Ethan was the only one who ingested nothing. He was of a Vampyre age that he could enjoy a blood-laced beverage, but that was not on the menu. The first two hands went to Ethan and the second two to Satan.

“Why have we lowered ourselves to play with Vampyres?” Dante groused, slamming his hand down. “Are we slumming it now?”

“Touché, Dante,” Satan said in an overly polite manner. “Perhaps next time we can play on level eight or seven or six… Ahhh, but wait, they don’t exist.”

Dante’s fists clenched and his jaw worked overtime. “Pardon my rudeness,” he ground out. “It was thoughtless of me.”

Ethan simply nodded and then ignored him. Mister Rogers shook his head sadly and Hemingway burst into laughter.

“My God, man, relax. It’s a game. We’re playing with the Devil–why not throw a Vampyre in for good measure?” Hemingway said and signaled to Carl for another round. “Who cares if you lose? I’ve been making deals with the goddamn Devil my whole life… what’s one more?”

“Well said.” Satan grinned at the famous writer and glanced over and winked at me.

It was the first time he had acknowledged my presence this evening and I’d be a liar if I said it didn’t thrill me. My uncle was a magical evil man. He was temptation and all the sins of his daughters rolled into one. The safety I felt in his company was a lie. I needed to remember that everything down here was a game and the stakes were high.

Ironically Mister Rogers won the next two hands, and that’s when that slut Lust made her move.

“Daddy,” she purred. “I have a bit of a headache. Would you excuse me for a bit? I promise to be back.”

“Of course,” Satan said absently as he examined his cards.

Lust stood slowly and stretched. Every eye in the room except her father’s was on her. She ran her hands down her body, spending a little extra time on her boobies. The guards were almost salivating and poor Mister Rogers looked like he might pass out. Ethan watched her in the same detached way I did and it was clear she didn’t like that one bit. As she sauntered past the table she ran her hands over Ethan’s shoulders and tangled them into his hair. Leaning forward, she kissed his neck. He roughly shoved her away as her sisters laughed. She hissed her displeasure and left the room in a huff.

Satan glanced up from his cards, having missed the exchange. He looked curiously at Cole, who gave him the ‘everything’s okay’ look and he went back to his cards. Cole might think everything was okay, but I did not. It was time for the bitch to pay.

“I’ll be right back,” I muttered and quickly made my way to the door. Wrath smiled viciously. Shit, she wanted me to go kick her sister’s ass. Well, I hate to disappoint so I gave her a curt nod and left.

“Astrid,” Ethan said tersely. “Do not do anything stupid.”

“Don’t worry, honey. I got it covered.”

Chapter Eighteen

Son of a bitch, where did she go? I scanned the long hallway in frustration. Feeling helpless and human was not working for me—time to tap into my power free-for-all and let the chips land wherever they wanted. Lust was not getting away this time.

Finding my anger wasn’t difficult. It was right on the surface, but I needed to dig deeper. I was asking my power to help me find something, not to destroy it. Although when I found her, all bets were off. The chant that I’d heard Grandpa say was caught in the far recesses of my mind. The angrier I got the further away it floated.

“Shit, why aren’t there ever any fucking directions?” I groaned. The book Grandpa had given me had no guide on how to use my power. I was in Hell… fury should work. Shouldn’t it? Wait. Balance… the balance between good and evil. Is that what I needed to find? Probably, but how was I supposed to do that? Forget it. I had to go with what I knew. My Vampyre skills were no longer dormant. However, I was worried that I’d need my Demon magic to truly deal with Lust. Shitshitshit. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, let my mind wander outside of myself and slip into hers.

Got it. WTF? Lust was a riot of fury and emotion, but I knew exactly where she was. Unable to decipher any kind of linear thought from the commotion going on inside her, I turned to the right and moved with Vampyre speed in the direction she’d gone. What exactly I had planned when I found her… I had no clue, but she was going to lay off my mate. Period.

I almost laughed as I realized I avoided the talking walls. What I wouldn’t give for the walls to speak right now. That would mean Grandpa was near, but that was impossible. He was in Nirvana doing the nasty with Gigi. The visuals were too disturbing so I shoved that sucker to the back of my mind and hummed along with Journey’s Any Way You Want It.

As I drew closer my body trembled with excitement. The black glittering gloves appeared and I was drunk with power and fury. Wait. What the fuck was I doing? Was I really going to go and have a bitch fight over a man with my cousin? I froze. Ethan was mine. Lust was no threat to me. None—but the rage inside me demanded blood. Shaking my head, I tried to clear it. I had never been this person before. Vengeance and hate were alarmingly appealing to me. Is this what Hell did to people? Part of me cared, but a larger part of me didn’t. Was I even in control of myself?

I stopped and leaned against the wall, letting my body slide to the floor. All I wanted to do was go home. Mortified by my desires, I sucked in several deep breaths and calmed down. I’d go back to the poker room and avoid Lust at all costs. She was not my nemesis. She was not a threat. She was an annoyance that didn’t deserve my ire or the luxury of thought. If I could find it in myself to feel sorry for her, I’d really win, but I wasn’t quite that magnanimous at the moment. I’d get there in a year or two...or ten.

“I knew you’d follow me,” Lust hissed, standing over me with crazy written all over her.

“Oh my God,” I shouted. “I changed my mind and you’re about to fuck that up.” I stood and took a step away. Bad move. She was on me like a bad toupee.

“He was mine first. He’ll be mine again. You don’t hold a candle to me,” she ground out through clenched teeth. “You’re in my way and I want you gone.”

So much for taking the high road… “You are delusional.” I laughed at her as she tensed like a bomb about to explode. “You’ve been used so many times you probably give out frequent rider miles.”

“Did you just use a ‘yo mama’ joke on me?” she yelled. Her face burned red and her fingertips sparked.

“Yep. Yep, I did.” I grinned. “And I have more where that came from. Ethan is not yours. Never has been and never will be. Look, I get that you’re horny, but you need to find someone who will appreciate your widely spread talents.”

“My talents made him come till he begged for mercy and I’ll have him begging again as soon as I get rid of you. You’re just a stupid weak half-breed and I always get what I want.”

Pushing the image of Lust and Ethan naked together aside was difficult, but since she was coming at me like a freight train, I had no choice. I tapped the angel wing tattoo on my chest, a gift from my Baby Demons, and prepared myself to either kick some ass or get mine handed to me.

Her anger made her sloppy. I stood completely still and let her advance. Right before she landed a mean right hook, I dropped low and took her out with my leg. The thud of her body hitting the wall and then the ground was music to my ears. Rolling over, I brought my elbow down on her face and took complete pleasure in the sound of bone crunching.

“Bitch,” she screeched and raised her arms to the sky. A strong stream of sparks flew from her hands, but as she stood she was unsteady on her feet. Blood poured from her nose and lip. “You’re going to pay for that.”

“You really don’t want another piece of me,” I panted and rolled my eyes. I stayed low in case she tried again. What I wouldn’t give for a sword or a throwing star.

“No, I don’t want any part of you, but I know some people who might.” She flung her arms in a circular motion and a shimmering door appeared. It was translucent and golden flames licked up the sides. There was no heat and I wasn’t sure if it was real or a mirage… Lust vanished and I had a bad feeling I was fucked. I backed myself against the wall and began to inch away. Why did I follow her out? Ethan was so damned right about green not being my color. It was an outstanding lesson, but would I live to tell? I didn’t for one second believe she was gone. With my back plastered against the wall I had slightly better odds of seeing where she might attack from next. Of course from behind was the last thing I expected, but I was in Hell—a place where all your night-fucking-mares can come true.

She flew out of the wall and shoved me through the door with such force my head snapped back and I saw stars.

“Say hello to your mommy for me,” she hissed as flames engulfed me. “It was good knowing you. I promise to take very, very good care of Ethan.”

Fucking. Awesome. The crazy slut was sending me to the Basement and I had a feeling no one would be happy to see me there. I killed their leader, my disgusting daddy, and I was certain that as happy as Satan was about that, the nut jobs in the Basement would not agree.

* * *

I thought the waiting area of Hell was creepy, but it had nothing on the Basement. The ride through the portal had been violent, smelly and hot. While the flames didn’t disfigure me, they practically destroyed my Prada halter. My boobs were being held up by threads. Great. Gonna flash my goodies at some evil Demons. Never thought I’d put those words together in a sentence. Ever.

Crude stone walls and uneven rock floors were illuminated by torches. The odor was putrid and exactly how I had thought Hell should smell. Where were the Demons? With great caution, because of my heels, the floor and the simple fact that any slight movement could expose my knockers, I made my way down a dank hallway. Go toward the sound… the horrific sound of wailing souls being burned till the end of time.

How was I going to get out of here? The portal had disappeared once it spit me out and I had no clue where another one might be. As I passed the torches the flames extinguished. Did the Demons know I was here? Were they going to pop out and yell surprise? Fuck.

Silence. An eerie silence stopped me in my tracks. What happened? Why weren’t the souls screaming? Did they get turned to ash? I was under the impression they had to burn for eternity. God, I wanted out of here, but that was clearly not in the plan thanks to Lust. Time to deal with the icky Demons and hopefully not have to kill a ton of them. I wasn’t sure how that would go over upstairs.

“Hello,” I called out. “Anybody home?”

As soon as I spoke the shrieks and wails resumed at a level even higher than before. Words were intermingled with the howling and I heard garbled begging and pleading. WTF? I was close to the mouth of what looked like a large room. It was lit up like Christmas, a holiday I was certain they skipped down here. Go into the light, Carol Ann kept running through my brain and I laughed without humor. This was not a movie. It was real life—my life. Poltergeist was G rated kiddie crap compared to this shit.

Taking a deep breath and tamping down my gag reflex at the stench, I sauntered into the bowels of Hell.

A huge wall of fire blasted out of a crevasse in the floor that had to be at least ten feet wide and spanned the entirety of the room, which from my estimation was the length of several football fields. The soul lights darted around in the flames wildly, although some were sluggish. Were those the older souls—the ones that had become accustomed to being on fire? My stomach roiled at the thought. Did Satan come up with this punishment?

The Demons roaming around were identical to the ones that had dragged me to Hell. Their bloody skinless bodies were muscular and oozing with pus and disease. They undulated in and out of each other, stabbing and prodding the less powerful ones with their sharp and filthy claws. Had they really looked like the Demons on the main level at one time? It was difficult to wrap my mind around that. Huge blood covered teeth clicked as they ate what looked like flesh and organs. Fucking awesome, I had arrived in time for dinner.

Had no one noticed me, or was I being ignored?

The Demons amped up their attacks on each other and the sounds of moans and grunts joined the wailing. As wonderful as all this was I had no time to watch a real life horror movie. I needed to get the hell out.

“Excuse me,” I shouted over the cacophony. Everything halted, including the soul shrieking. Hmmm, not sure that was good. At least fifty pairs of beady bloodshot golden eyes turned to me.

A huge reeking Demon stepped forward. It took everything I had not to step back. Shitfuckshit. His eyes went red and his teeth clicked ominously. He had bits of skin on his arms and chest. They were rotten and peeling away. The edges were black and runny. Had he tried to redeem himself and failed or was he working on getting out of here?

“You’ve finally come,” he said in a voice that hurt my ears and make my throat clench. It was like my father’s. It sounded as if his mouth was full of glass shards.

“Well, I wasn’t really planning on it, but, um… yep. Here I am. I was wondering if you knew where a portal was?” I was sure my smile resembled a grimace, but if he was being polite, I could certainly do the same.

He turned his back on me and addressed the crowd. “Our Queen has come home,” he shouted. My stomach sunk and I felt sick. This was not going to end well.

The Demons cheered and dropped to their bone and muscle exposed knees. The souls began screaming again at a volume that vibrated through my body. I slapped my hands over my ears and bent forward.

“It will stop in a moment,” the Demon told me.

“Why?”

“It is the way. They are given a moment of peace so each time they burn it will be more devastating than the last. They can never be allowed to forget what it feels like to be free of pain. It would defeat the purpose of the punishment.”

“That is fucked up,” I said before I could stop myself. I mean, who in the hell came up with this sadistic kind of torture?

“Yes,” the Demon smiled and licked what I supposed were lips. “Your father was a brilliant man.”

“This is my father’s doing?” I gasped and wondered why I wasn’t more screwed up.

“He took the more violent Bible passages quite seriously.”

“Maybe he should have taken some meds more seriously,” I muttered and scanned the room for alternate exits. “Look, um… ”

“Lance.”

“Right. Lance. I’m flattered that you want me to be your, ah… queen, but I am not queen material at all. I am so fucking grossed out by this,” I said, gesturing wildly around the cave. “You really don’t want me to be your queen.”

“It is not our choice,” he grunted dismissively. “You made that choice when you killed your father. We would have never chosen a woman to lead. Women are weak and inferior, but we will deal with what we have been given.”

WTF? Was he kidding me? Inferior, my ass. I did not want to be the leader of Stinkyland, but I’d be damned if they didn’t want me because I was a girl. “Look, Buster… ”

“Lance,” he corrected.

“Lance, I don’t want the job. However if I did, I could lead the shit out of you filthy asswipes.”

He growled and advanced. OMG, he picked the wrong girl to fuck with. I was done. Done. I’d been dragged to Hell, made to talk to walls, watched my mate get manhandled by a Sin, got bitten by Hell Hounds and then shoved through a flaming door into a place that ten thousand years of therapy couldn’t erase. I was done. I mean WTF—how much was a hormonal pregnant half-Vamp half-Demon with semi-exposed breasts supposed to take?

“Back off,” I hissed.

“Make me,” he snapped and moved faster. He came at me with his claws raised and his mouth open.

He asked for it. I swung my arms and slashed through the air. I had no real idea what I was doing, but winging it had worked so far. The room turned a hazy red and I would bet my undead life that my eyes had turned the same color. Glittering black and crystal white sparks flew from my fingertips and attacked Lance with a vengeance. I closed my eyes when I heard him scream. I let my mind float and I entered his, fully prepared to destroy him. The pop of his body blowing into thousands of tiny pieces was so close and a sense of excitement filled me.

“Do it,” his mind screamed to me. “Do it,” he begged. “End me.”

What? He wanted to die? For real and forever?

I pulled my mind back from his and stared at him. My magic held him in a stasis and he writhed in pain. I touched my angel wings again and created a shield around myself. I didn’t want one of these fuckers sneaking up from behind while I figured out what Lance meant and why I was becoming such a blood-hungry psycho.

The Demons made a menacing circle around us and I wondered if I could take all fifty or so out at once. I seriously hoped I didn’t have to find out.

“What did you mean?” I demanded. “Why do you want me to end you?”

“I know nothing of what you speak of,” he snapped. The circle of love surrounding us growled and began to keen like mourners at a funeral.

“Yes. You do,” I ground out. “Tell me.” With a wave of my hand I increased the magic. He panted and convulsed on the ground at my feet. “Tell me.”

“Fine,” he gasped. “Look at us,” he cried. “Look at us. See how many have tried to turn decent. Look at the tiny pieces of decomposing flesh on our bodies. We can’t do it. There is no way out.”

“We were lied to and used by your father,” a Demon yelled from the circle.

I rolled my eyes. “It takes two to tango, idiot,” I shot back. “Don’t try to tell me you’re simply innocent bystanders and got fucked over by my big bad daddy.”

“We are not innocent.” Lance wheezed some nasty goop. Whatever insides he had were beginning to come up. “But we were no more evil than the Demons on the main floor until your father came along.”

“Free will, Mister. My dad may have been certifiable, but you had a choice.”

“No,” he groaned. “No choice.”

“He ate my child,” one shouted from the circle.

I almost threw up in my mouth. “He did what?” I whispered. I eased off on the magic trapping Lance. He now lay still at my feet. He watched me closely and his eyes still begged me to destroy him.

“He killed family members and threatened us with destroying each of our lines if we didn’t comply,” Lance explained.

“So, I’m supposed to believe that you were all blackmailed into becoming the lowest form of Demon imaginable by my dead pappy.”

Not one of them said a word, but stared at me with eyes that had seen true horror. It was hard to buy. I was in a place where lying was the norm and most sins were overlooked. Why was I starting to believe this?

“How did he have so much power?” I asked, looking for a chink I could find in their story.

“He was Satan’s brother. He had magic beyond the normal realm of a Demon and he had his brother’s ear in the beginning… before Satan shunned him.”

“Okay,” I said, pacing back and forth, being careful not to get too close to the edge of the circle. “I get that he had you by the balls, but are you telling me you’ve done nothing wrong? You are innocents sent here by mistake?” I asked sarcastically.

“No, we no longer deserve another chance. Ever. But we don’t deserve this. We were deceived and did not choose this of our own free will.”

Holy Hell, talk about some gray areas…

“What do you do down here?” I asked.

“We watch,” Lance said and shook his head in disgust.

“That’s it? You just watch souls burn?”

“Yes. We watch and we go just a little more insane with each passing hour.”

I glanced around at them. They were so disgusting it was nearly impossible to see the people they might have been at one time without the influence of my father. Could they be redeemed? Many of them did have decaying skin, so clearly they had tried. What did they want? Could I speak with Satan about them? Would he care? If I stayed with them I wondered if I could help them change. Was my purpose here to undo the damage my father had done? Hell, was that even possible?

“I can speak to Satan for you,” I said.

“No,” a smaller Demon yelled. “He cares nothing for us. He associates us with your father and will show no mercy.”

“And you think I will?” I laughed and shook my head. What did they want from me?

“You have to,” Lance said. “You are our only hope. We have nothing left.”

“Look, Lance, I am sorry for the sins of my father, but I am not my father. I am not staying down here and if I have to kill each and every one of you to leave… I will.”

An excited murmur went through the circle. I could swear the sons of bitches were smiling at me… or they all had gas. Every single Demon dropped to their knees and leaned forward. Placing their hands on the ground they began to weep. Some shuddered and some laughed with joy. What the hell was happening?

“Thank you,” Lance said. “We cannot thank you enough.”

“For what?” I asked, completely confused.

“For killing us.”

Wait. WTF? When did I agree to kill them? “Um, Lance?”

“Yes, my Queen?”

“Not gonna happen. You guys can’t just ask me to kill you and then I kill you. I wouldn’t say that I want to hang with you, but I kind of like you and as alarmingly scary as you are… I feel sorry for you.”

“Show us mercy, my Queen,” someone cried out.

“Please,” another sobbed.

What was I supposed to do? This could be a trick. I could kill the fifty or so Demons and five hundred more pissed off Demons could show up and kill me or, God forbid, want me to kill them too.

“Is this all of you?” I asked in a voice I didn’t recognize. It was thin, tinny and far away. I was shocked I was even considering this. Did I truly need to atone for the sins of my father?

“The others are not here. They’ve been taken away,” Lance explained.

“What does that mean?”

“I don’t know,” he admitted in his gravely voice. “One day they were here and one day they were gone.”

“Like gone, gone. For real gone?” I asked, wondering if an army would seek me out for retribution.

“Probably not.” Lance shrugged and forlornly laid his huge misshapen head back down on the floor.

Okay, think Astrid. You could right one of your father’s many wrongs and kill a bunch of Demons… which in turn could piss off the Prince of Darkness and set in motion a large bounty on my head. That would suck asswads. You could try to escape, but you have no fucking clue how to get back to the main level and there could be other areas of the Basement worse than this one. Hard to imagine, but this was Hell.

Glancing around, I saw the Demons peeking up at me. They reminded me of little children… disgustingly ugly little children. Fuck.

“Stand up,” I barked. “This feels like an execution and I am not at all happy about this.”

The Demons stood with their hands clasped in front of them and a sense of peace about them.

“My Queen, we have waited thousands of years for this day. What you are doing is merciful. I can never go back to those I love. I am ruined… tainted by so much horror and death, I am no longer worthy of love. Mind you, I do still love. Deeply. That is why I have never tried to escape. The threat of harm to my wife and children is something that even someone as lost as I’ve become cannot fathom.”

“But my father is gone. Why can’t you go back to your loved ones?” I asked, hoping I’d discovered the magic ticket. Maybe they could all work hard and grow skin and then go to the waiting room and get jobs and then be reunited with their families. And maybe Leprechauns could fly out of my ass…

“Oh, young Queen, it was too late for that hundreds of years ago. I stand here begging your mercy, but I am by no means free of sin. Heinous sin.”

“Open your mind, oh Queen,” a Demon begged. “Come inside and see.”

“Proof?” I asked.

“Indisputable,” Lance answered.

I closed my eyes and let my mind roam free. Dipping in and out of the Demons thoughts, it was all I could do not to fall to the floor and break. Memories of children and wives and parents intermingled with the horror they’d been forced to perform leading to horrors they’d chosen and willingly performed. Horrific beatings from my father that shamed me and then the names… names flew at me. Names of loved ones, names of those they’d killed, names of the victims’ families that they wished to beg forgiveness from, and then came their names… David, Michael, Josiah, Peter, Noah, Paul, and on and on. I didn’t want them to become more than what they were. That would make what I knew I had to do harder, but they had become inhuman faceless nothingness. They needed to be seen for who they were—for who they wished to be. James, Adam, Leonardo…

“Stop,” I commanded harshly. “Stop.”

I wanted to forgive them their sins. I felt how truly remorseful they were, but I also knew if they lived on they would continue to commit sin after sin and I had no jurisdiction over mass forgiveness for that. I only had compassion and the unhealthy need to right my father’s wrong.

“Tell me where a portal is,” I said. “I’ll need to leave when I’m… done here.”

Lance shook his head. “I don’t know.”

“You have got to be kidding me.” I sighed heavily and pinched the bridge of my nose. They wanted me to commit mass murder and then hang out with the dead bodies? They were going to have to think again. It would be hard enough without having to look at what I’d done for God knows how long.

“We will give you our power before the deed is done. It should be enough to help you find your way,” Lance said.

“Whoa, Nelly.” I stopped him before they all started magically sending their fucked up evil Demon mojo my way. I might empathize with them, but I didn’t want to become them.

“Our power is pure,” Lance assured me. “Our memories and our physical bodies are not.”

“Are you all very sure this is what you want?” I asked. My hands trembled at my sides and my knees were unsteady. This was so much different than what I had been trained for. I still wasn’t positive I could do it.

“You would put a suffering dog down, wouldn’t you?” Lance asked quietly.

“Yes, I would.”

“We are nothing more than animals at this point. We haven’t been humanely treated in over a thousand years. Please… just please.”

“Make the circle tighter,” I shouted. I looked up at the jagged rock ceiling and prayed for a moment, but who or what was I praying to anymore? All my ideas of the afterlife had been altered. I didn’t know what I believed. What the hell did good and evil really mean and how closely were they related? Were they actually the same thing?

A muttered chorus of ‘thank you’ wafted around me, but I could barely compute. My heart beat so loudly in my chest it was all I could hear. I closed my eyes and realized I had no anger, just sadness and fear. I realized I no longer needed anger. I only needed to know what I owned, how to use it didn’t matter—I only needed to think of the outcome desired and the means to get there would become obvious.

Closing my eyes, I asked a God I wasn’t sure existed in the way I wanted him to anymore for forgiveness—forgiveness for what I was about to do. My grandfather’s chant that had eluded me was now at the forefront of my mind and I marveled at of the complexity and the simplicity of it. I felt the release of power from the Demons and I let it in. Unsure if it was safe, I did it anyway. It felt right. A whisper of movement in my stomach startled and frightened me. My child, my son… I felt his love and strength and approval. Holy Hell, the moment was surreal. It was a very old soul inside me and his knowledge was far superior to mine, but he loved me and knew I was there to take care of him. He was sure I would do what was right. Would I always pay for the sins of my father? I hoped the score would be even and I could move forward without his taint touching my child’s world, but only time would tell.

Was this the balance between good and evil… Was I doing evil for good? Or good for evil?

It only took an instant. I saw the outcome and the deed was done. Sparks flew wildly around me and the popping noises made me grind my teeth and scream in despair. I fell to my knees and beat the ground. I’d just killed fifty people. Did it matter that no one loved or wanted them anymore? That should have made it easier, but it didn’t. Had I become the Grim Reaper, meting out justice as I saw fit? Who in the hell did I think I was? I slowly opened my eyes and they were gone. No trace of the ones who had begged for death. The floor was covered in icy white crystals and black glitter. The soul lights were momentarily quiet.

It was either shock or regret that consumed me and I gave in to my basest need. I lay down on the dank filthy floor and I cried… for the Demons, for my father and for myself.

Chapter Nineteen

Little wet lips kissed my face and head. The soft feather touches tickled. I had no clue how much time had passed since I’d committed one of the worst sins possible, but it felt like years.

“Me see your boobers, Mommy,” Abe said with great satisfaction. “Me want to touch.”

“No,” Ross shouted and kneed Abe in his little Demon nuts. “Me massage Mommy’s love melons.”

“Ohhhhh, squishy,” Rachel said as she poked at my chest.

“Mommy has nice balloons,” Beyonce told everyone.

“No touching the boobs,” I said as I pushed myself from prone and pathetic to seated and slightly pathetic. I smiled and picked my Baby Demons off of my chest. “How did you find me?”

“Easy peasy,” Ross said. “My doggies felt your sad.”

“The General and Bambi are here?” I asked, scanning the room in alarm. How would they feel about what I had done? I struggled to my feet and prepared to defend myself and my child.

“Sit, little one.” George’s soothing voice calmed me. “We are not here to judge. We have come to take you back.”

“You know what I’ve done?” I whispered. My stomach was knotted with sadness and shame.

“I’m glad to see they didn’t harm you. It was unwise of you to come here,” he scolded.

While his sentiments were nice, his facts were fucked.

I took a slow breath in and gathered my thoughts. General George had protected me and helped me save Ethan, but he worked for Satan. His opinion of the Demons was as warped as his master’s.

“I didn’t come here on purpose and I was never in danger.” I stood and put some distance between us. “Pockets,” I instructed my little monsters.

“Mommy don’t have no pockets,” Abe informed me logically.

I glanced down at my shredded eveningwear and grimaced. He was correct. I had no pockets. I barely had a dress. Closing my eyes, I reimagined my beautiful dress. A faint heat surged through my body and a small burst of glitter burst from my fingertips.

“Very good,” Bambi gasped with delight. “I like the one shoulder look far better than the halter.”

“Mommy so pretty in pink,” Rachel gushed.

They were spot on. Somehow my red halter had morphed into a hot pink one shouldered masterpiece. I had the magic—I was just missing the finer points of detail.

“Whoops.” I shrugged and attempted a smile. Letting my head fall back on my shoulders I contemplated what I had done. Was it truly mercy? I had to believe it was… but why did I feel so awful?

“Self-defense is a necessary reason to kill. Your life was far more valuable than theirs,” George said quietly.

Again his misinterpretation bothered me. I could nod my head and be done. Who would be the wiser? The screaming souls? Doubtful.

“It wasn’t self-defense. They asked me to end them and I did.”

The silence was loud.

“What?” Bambi asked. “You just killed them for no reason?”

I felt ill. She was only voicing what I already thought, but she was wrong. I was wrong.

“I corrected the sins of my father. These people… ”

“They were hardly people,” the General sniffed dismissively.

“I beg to differ,” I shot back defensively. Time to come clean. If they didn’t understand, they could do whatever they chose. As each minute passed I grew stronger. What I had done, while horridly distasteful, was the merciful thing to do. I could only hope that someday if I needed the same favor, I could find someone that cared enough to end me. “While they were by no means innocent, they had been at one time until my father took that away. With blackmail, murder and threats he destroyed their lives. They had no free will where this was concerned. None.”

“They didn’t attack you?” George asked.

“No, not in any real way.”

“And you believe this fantasy they wove?” he demanded.

I paced the cave. My anger rose and I was very aware the glittering gloves had appeared and my chest tingled. Calm down. Calm down.

“I went into their memories. Something maybe Satan should have done if he wasn’t so fucking selfish,” I snapped. “And to be fair, there was very little to redeem them at this point, but they tried. Over and over they tried. I am of my father’s blood and he destroyed their spirit and their lives. All I did was give them the peace they were owed.”

“And who owed them this peace?” George asked. His eyes narrowed. I was sure he took offense at my opinion of Satan or he was considering what was to be done with me. Whatever.

“I did,” I shouted. “I owed them peace that no one else could give to them. I owed them the dignity in death that my father stole from them in life… and everyone can just fuck off.”

Again with the silence.

I squatted down and picked up my Baby Demons. They were quiet and still. Amazingly, I’d wished pockets into my beautiful dress. I gently tucked them in and turned to face the Hell Hounds.

George was chuckling and Bambi was doing a bizarre doggie jig. WTF? Their reaction was alarming and incongruous and I wondered if this was the pre-Eat Astrid dance… I also realized the souls had been silent since I’d destroyed the Demons.

“She is so far ahead of where she should be,” Bambi sang as she shimmied, if you could call it that, around George.

“You are not what we expected,” he told me.

“Yep, I get that all the time. You gonna eat me?”

“I’m sorry, what?” George choked out.

“If you’re going to eat me, I’m going to fight back, but I’d like to know so I can put my little monsters somewhere safe.”

The third silence was a charm…

“Um, no. We have no intention of eating you. We’re vegetarians.”

“That’s not a well known fact,” Bambi chimed in. “So don’t let that get around.”

“You are such a funny one,” the General said, loping toward me. “We would die for you. It would be lovely if you didn’t put us in that position, but we would gladly go there if necessary.”

“You’re not going to eat me?”

“No. You’re too chewy.” His eyebrows slapped open and closed as his huge body rumbled with laughter. “So very young to find the balance so quickly, but I should have expected no less.”

“No less from what?” I asked, hoping to catch one of these freakin’ immortals off guard so they’d cough up their cryptic secrets.

“Ah, I wouldn’t want to ruin the surprise. It’s like reading the end of a book after the first Chapter,” he explained.

“How long is the book?” I asked.

He considered me for a moment then gently rubbed his head against my leg. The comfort it brought me was immense. “The book shall be as long or short as you make it.”

I knew better than to be snarky, but God, how I wanted to…

“We should be getting back,” Bambi said. “She’s been missed.”

George cleared his throat. At least I think that’s what that sound was—either that or a weird burp. “Astrid, I would suggest you cloak yourself.”

“Why?”

He rolled his eyes and I knew that’s as much of an answer as I would get.

“Fine.” I matched his eye roll and upped it by half. “I’ll cloak. Anything else?”

“As a matter of fact and self-preservation, yes… Do not act before you listen.”

“You do realize that I’m not wired that way,” I said with a double down eye roll.

“Yes, my child. I realize that, but I’d suggest you start rewiring now.”

“Yes, sir.” I sarcastically saluted him and made myself invisible with a flick of my fingers. A shimmering door appeared behind them and cast a rosy golden glow on the depressing gray stone of the Basement. This time it wasn’t engulfed in flame. The Hounds waited for me as I circled the area where the Demons had stood and died. I whispered silent goodbyes to the beings that ceased to exist anymore. And I…

“Wait,” I gasped. A chill shook my body and nausea overcame me.

“Mommy?” My little Demons poked their heads out of my pockets in distress.

“General, I need to see my mother.” Need was correct. I didn’t want to see her. I wasn’t even sure I could handle seeing her, but the pitiable small child that still lived somewhere inside me wanted to try to make amends. Again.

“Now is not the time, child. There are things above that must be reckoned with before it’s too late. I promise I will bring you back.”

My eyes filled with tears, not because I couldn’t see my mother… No. I was so relieved that I’d been forbidden for the moment I was embarrassed. After what I’d already done I had no clue if I was strong enough to face her. Covering my face with my hands, I tried to hold back the waterworks.

“It’s good to cry,” Bambi cooed sweetly. “It’s never smart to face all your Demons in one day, dear. Too hard on the digestive system.”

“I thought you were a vegetarian,” I blubbered through my tears.

“Oh, dear Satan.” She giggled and rocked her head from left to right. “Too much stress can give you gas. It’s not lady-like to fart up a storm.”

The laugh burst from my lips and my tears were now from joyous disbelief and disgust. I had no clue if she was serious or trying to cheer me up. I didn’t care, but made a mental note to stay clear of her bottom in taxing situations.

* * *

The poker room was filled with Demons. The tension was thick and ominous and the eight guards had been joined by at least twenty more, but that wasn’t the interesting part. No, the interesting part was the show in the center of the room. The large ornate table had been tossed to the side of the room leaving a gaping hole in the plaster. Ethan held Lust by her throat with a dagger pointed at her heart. Satan stood back with his arms crossed over his massive chest looking highly displeased. Lust was babbling and crying. It was clear I’d missed all the fun.

Hemingway and Mister Rogers were no longer present, but Dante stood in the corner behind Greed, enjoying the potential bloodbath immensely.

“I leave for ten minutes and come back to find this?” Satan bellowed.

“My liege, let me destroy him,” Satan’s second, Cole said, clearly ready to make good on his threat.

“Not quite yet,” Satan replied. “I hate to sully the house. Would you care to explain, Vampyre?”

Ethan’s eyes slid casually to the Devil. “Not particularly,” he answered smoothly. The smile on his lips didn’t reach his eyes. “Why don’t you ask your daughter?”

“I find that she has a tendency to lie. I’d much prefer to hear why you think it’s an appropriate idea to gut a Sin in Hell.”

Satan stood as still as a statue and waited. Ethan matched his calm. The dagger was a mere thought away from Lust’s black heart. My instinct was to reveal myself, but I’d promised the General I’d listen. Fuck, that was a stupid pact, but I was well aware the Hounds, who had disappeared as soon as we were coughed up from the portal, didn’t give unwise advice. I simply wasn’t sure how long I could follow it.

“She tried to kill me,” Lust choked out. Her lovely face turned mottled red as she struggled for air. “She beat me. She’s jealous and unstable. Told me she’d turn me into a Vampyre.”

WTF? Did she really think anyone would believe that pile of shit? She was a thousand year old Demon and I was a newbie half-breed. Only my curiosity kept me from unveiling myself and plunging the knife through her heart. I wondered if the blade could actually kill her.

“Vampyre, you do realize that if you slay my child, you have signed your permanent death sentence.”

“Beelzebub, you do realize if she has killed my mate that my life means nothing. Your threat holds no weight,” Ethan ground out and tightened his hand on her throat.

“I have to agree that my daughter’s story has a few holes,” Satan said agreeably, as if he was discussing something as mundane as the weather. “Let her go and we shall get to the bottom of this.”

Ethan laughed. “I am nowhere near as old as you, but if you take me for an ass, you are gravely mistaken.”

“I do enjoy a man with a death wish.” Satan grinned and took a seat. “So how shall we solve this little dilemma?”

“Have your spawn tell me what she has done with my mate.”

“Do you plan to kill her when she submits to your demands?” Satan inquired, completely intrigued and bizarrely excited with the unfolding events.

“Depends,” Ethan winked and Satan roared with laughter.

“I hate you, Daddy,” Lust spat.

“Well now, that’s just rude,” he said and tsked. “Address the Vampyre’s concerns and I might let you get away with whatever you’ve done this time.”

“I told you she… ”

“I am well aware of what you told me,” Satan said in an icy cold voice that made everyone in the room cower. “Now tell me what really happened.”

“She hasss wha was mun.” Her voice was ragged and she was difficult to understand. Ethan had obviously increased the pressure on her throat.

“Vampyre, could you let up just slightly on the trachea so we could understand her?”

“The Vampyre is mine,” she gasped as she took in air. “She had what was mine and I pushed her to the Basement. She’s dead by now.” Lust smiled with smug satisfaction and tried to snuggle close to Ethan. OMG, she was insane and I was done hiding.

“I call bullshit,” the Devil said, rolling his eyes. “This is utterly embarrassing. Lust, you are infantile. I suppose it’s partially my fault for spoiling you and your sisters, but… ”

“Amen,” Amanda the consort muttered.

The Devil whipped around so quickly the room temperature dipped. “I have had enough of your unacceptable sacrilegious pro-Christian narration, darling. Remove her. Now.”

Three of the guards dragged a mortified Amanda from the room. No one made a move to comfort her or even acknowledged her rough departure with a glance. “Now, where was I?”

“Call your mother in,” Ethan demanded, changing tactics. My man was smart. Gigi loved me and she would not be pleased.

My uncle blanched and grabbed the back of the chair for purchase. Everyone in the room paled and glanced around in terror.

“You have no idea what you ask,” Satan hissed.

“Oh, but I do. Astrid found her quite delightful and I’m sure she’d have something to say about her disappearance. I’d be happy to call her myself.” Ethan’s smile now reached his eyes. Damn, he was hot when he got going. Hell, he was hot no matter what.

Damn it, I’d learned nothing I didn’t already know yet… Ethan was hot, Lust was a lying sack of shit, Amanda was stupid and everyone was afraid of Mother Nature. It was difficult, but I stayed cloaked.

“Where is Astrid, Lust?” Satan demanded. “This grows tiresome and I have no intention of losing another home because my mother gets called in.”

“The Basement,” she said with glee.

“Son of a bitch,” Satan roared and the walls trembled violently. Lust used the split second of chaos to get away from Ethan and began to chant a spell in the room that was going to be a doozy.

My turn.

Deciding that a grand entrance was in order, I created a tornado—a small but vicious little bastard. My Baby Demons bounced with glee in my pockets. The goal of the mini cyclone was to knock the smug out of Lust. Icy white and black crystals formed in the air and the wind started at a violent speed. Satan clapped his hands with delight and stood up. He put his hands up the way a child would on a roller coaster. He was fucking nuts. The rest of the Demons flew all over the room. The only immortals that stayed planted on the ground besides Satan were Ethan, Wrath and Dixie. I hadn’t realized my sweet cousin had returned. I had no time to contemplate the makeup of the group left standing. I had more important things to do.

The screams and grunts were music to my ears, especially those of Lust. I flipped her and slammed her body against each of the walls. Her body flew like a rag doll around the room and I made sure her head connected with the massive silver chandelier as many times as possible. I knew she’d live… my purpose was not to kill, just to teach a little lesson. Most of the Demons had fallen to the floor and taken cover. This made me happy. I had no grudge with them. Lust shrieked and tried to use her magic to steady herself, but she was no match for a pissed off pregnant chick.

“Alright, Astrid,” Satan yelled over the howling wind. “That’s enough.”

Wait. What? How did he know that was me? I was still invisible…

“Show yourself,” he demanded.

I let the wind die down and revealed myself. The gasps of the windblown crowd made me think I’d lost my dress in the melee. Nope, still clothed. I held my ground and waited for my uncle to unleash his displeasure on me… or worse.

“I didn’t try to kill her,” I said calmly and felt Ethan at my side. His relief was palpable. “She attacked me and pushed me to the Basement.”

“I did not, you bitch,” she hissed as she tried to crawl to her feet. “You took what was mine and I punished you, which was my right.”

“Can it, Lust,” Lucifer snapped, examining me with wonder. “You are simply delectable.”

“Back off,” Ethan growled.

Satan stopped, clearly alarmed and impressed with Ethan’s total lack of respect for him. “Not in that way,” he assured my mate. “I may have no morals, but family is off limits.”

“Good to know,” I quipped. “Now about Psycho over there… ”

“Yes, she’ll be taken care of,” he promised and tiredly ran his hand through his hair. “I shall see to her punishment myself.”

That shut the entire room up, including Lust. Her bravado had disappeared and was replaced by naked fear. Wanting no information on what he might have planned, I nodded and accepted his offer.

“I want to go home,” I said.

Satan considered me thoughtfully for a moment. He glanced around the room at the damage I’d done and winced. “At this very moment I’m tempted to send the both of you home, but I have a proposition. It shall wait till the morning. I’m quite worn out from all the excitement and I’m not used to losing at poker. I shall retire and see you in the morning.” On that note he disappeared taking everyone in the room with him except for Ethan, myself, Dixie and Wrath.

“Holy shit, that was one hell of a trick,” I muttered looking around for everyone.

“He does like to dazzle,” Wrath said. “That was an impressive display. Congratulations and nice hair.” With a slight movement of her delicate hands, she disappeared in glitter and smoke leaving the man I loved and the only Demon I trusted in Hell.

“What’s wrong with my hair?” I asked.

Dixie looked uncomfortable and Ethan bit down on his lip. Was I bald? I grabbed my head and felt hair. Thank you sweet Cousin Jesus in a tube top, it was still there.

“It’s blood red,” Dixie whispered reverently. “It’s beautiful.”

“What?” I shouted, grabbing a fistful and bringing the long wild locks eye level. Motherfucker, it was red—fiery blood red. I was not in the mood for this. I would have never conjured up anything in the pink or red family to wear if I’d known my freakin’ hair was crayon red. I must look ridiculous. Forget the fact that I’d just created an indoor storm and bounced Demons around the room like they were balls, I had horrific hair. The streaks were one thing, but my whole head… “Oh my God, this is awful. Are there salons in Hell?”

“Um… yes,” Dixie stuttered, “but I’m pretty sure that’s not going to help.”

“This is unacceptable,” I yelled. “I am wearing pink. I look like a walking fashion disaster.”

“You are exquisite,” Ethan murmured in my ear and I shivered. He took my hand and his eyes blazed green. “Dixie, take us to our accommodations.”

“Will do.” She grinned and led us to her car.

Chapter Twenty

“Shut the fuck up,” I laughed. “Mister Rogers won?”

“Indeed he did,” Ethan said, lying back on the bed. “Satan’s face was priceless when Fred made his deal.”

It was all I could do to pay attention to the conversation. Ethan was shirtless and edible and I was in a towel. After washing my hair six times I gave up on the notion that the heinous red might not be permanent. I chose to ignore Dixie’s unacceptable prediction and had her schedule an appointment at a salon. I crossed my legs and sat on my hands so I wouldn’t jump the Adonis reclined on the bed. I really did want to know what had happened.

“So he has to go to lunch with his brother God and make nice?” I giggled as I pictured the scenario. Having not met my Uncle God yet, I still imagined him as I had when I was a child—long white beard, kind eyes and flowing robes.

“Mister Rogers will join them and Hemingway finagled an invitation as well. He said he wouldn’t miss it for all the bull fights in Spain.”

“Where will they meet?” I asked, wondering if God would let his morally corrupt brother set foot in Heaven.

“Satan suggested a neutral territory, like Earth, but Fred and Ernest are dead and that could cause a few complications.” His grin of amusement sent the butterflies in my stomach into a tizzy. No one had the right to be so pretty.

“Or a tabloid writer’s wet dream,” I muttered.

“True… now you.”

“Now me what?” I asked, knowing full well what he meant.

“Tell me.”

Did I want him to know what I had done? I did, but I feared the consequences. Could I tell him without having to speak? That might be stupid, but if he wanted me, then he had to want me warts and all. If I was being honest, I was testing him…

“If I open the doors in my mind can you come in and see? I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”

He hesitated. “You won’t be able to hide anything, not one single thought or feeling,” he warned.

“I don’t want to hide from you. Ever.”

His smile melted my insides, but unease consumed me. What if he was disgusted that I had shown mercy?

“I won’t judge. I will just watch,” he said.

“Famous last words,” I muttered and unlocked the door in my head. Seated in a chair across the room from him, I closed my eyes and pulled up the horrifically sad scene.

What felt like eons later, I sat still and kept my eyes tightly shut. Leaning forward in my chair, my stomach churned and I waited for the bomb to explode. He had seen it all and I felt ill at having to relive it. As sure as I was that I had done the right thing, it was still heartbreaking and frightening.

“Our son is amazing,” he said softly.

I opened my eyes to find him kneeling in front of me. He was awed and his eyes blazed a brilliant green.

“You don’t think I was wrong?” My voice sounded childlike and far away.

“I think I have much to learn from you. Your compassion and bravery astound and humble me.” He put his fingers under my chin and forced me to meet his eyes. “You are my world and I love you.”

The waterworks flowed freely and I threw myself into his strong embrace. His strength and beauty overwhelmed me, but his love almost incapacitated me. How did this man feel this way about me?

His full lips gently feathered mine and I breathed him in. His scent made me dizzy with desire and his mouth was shorting out my brain.

“You’re overdressed,” he murmured as his fangs grazed my collarbone.

“I’m in a towel.” I giggled and let my head fall back to give him better access.

“Exactly.” He ripped the towel from my heated body and stared. The need in his eyes matched the enormous bulge in his pants. My breath caught in my throat and my limbs went watery. “You are mine.”

“And you are mine,” I said, slowly getting to my feet and pushing him toward the bed. “Stop. Don’t move.” I dropped to my knees and unbuttoned his jeans. The simple sound of the zipper coming down in the otherwise silent room was as erotic as anything I’d ever heard. “Hands behind your back,” I ordered as he went to slide his pants down his legs. “I’m in charge.”

“For the moment,” he replied huskily and watched me through hooded eyes.

I released him from his jeans and boxer briefs and came face to face with one of the most gorgeous parts of his body. I eyed the monster with delight and anticipation. A slow heat coiled in my lower abdomen as I put my lips on the head of his cock. His hissed reaction and muttered curses made me want to make him lose his mind—the same way he made me lose mine.

I used my tongue to make him slippery and took my sweet time easing him to the back of my throat. The pool of moisture between my legs made me squirm, and his groan as I took him deep in my mouth made me tingle all over.

“Astrid, stop,” he said gruffly. “If you don’t it will be all over before we begin.”

“But you’re a Vampyre,” I teased. “You can go for days.”

“This is true, but the first time I come tonight will be inside you.”

In less than a second, he had me beneath him on the bed. I shrieked in protest and he pinned my arms over my head. His half smirk sent my girlie parts into fits and I wriggled beneath him for all I was worth.

“Tonight I will make you scream,” he threatened. His fangs gleamed and his eyes were wild. “I will own you in every way a man can own a woman. Do you understand?”

“You already do,” I gasped, more excited than I thought possible.

“No.” He chuckled. “But I will.”

I had no clue what he meant, but I didn’t care. I would willingly give him whatever he desired—over and over again. His lips latched onto my breast and he sucked my tender nipple into his mouth with a harsh pull. My back arched and my hips bucked. When he sank his fangs into the soft flesh I cried out in pain mixed with intense pleasure. He brought me to the point where the two meshed and were indistinguishable. With my hands suddenly free, I raked my nails down his back. His muffled chuckle at my breast made me see stars.

I was on the verge of an orgasm and he hadn’t even moved from my breast.

“Ethan, I’m going to come,” I gasped.

“Be my guest,” he said as he divided his attention between both breasts.

And I did.

Colors blew through my brain behind my closed lids and a scream tore from my lips. My body grew hot and everything clenched, drawing out the pleasure. It didn’t matter where we were, he was my home and he always would be.

“I need to be inside you.” His hands grasped my wrists again and forced them over my head. I opened my legs to welcome him, but he spread them wider with his knees. Keeping my arms pinned with one hand he stroked himself and watched all the expressions flitting across my flushed face. “Do you want to be fucked?” he asked in a strained voice. The veins on his neck stood out and my fangs descended. My voice was raw from my screams and I searched for sound as he waited. “Answer me.”

“Yes,” I croaked through my raw throat.

“You’ll have to do better than that.” He grinned and stroked himself with more force.

“Please,” I begged. “Please.”

“Please what?”

God, he was a bitch, but he knew how to push all my buttons. Undulating beneath him, I tried to press the issue, but his restraint was massive.

“Please fuck me,” I whimpered. Everything felt swollen and needy and I want him to take me, to relieve me, to fuck me until I couldn’t make a sound.

“Not quite yet,” he said as he lowered his head between my legs. I gasped and tensed as I felt his fangs nip at my clit.

“Ethan, I… ” I started, but his tongue took over and words left me.

“Shhhh, don’t think. Just feel,” he purred and the rumble of his voice on my sex made me shudder. My hips rocked and I tangled my hands in his thick blond hair to pull him closer. His fingers dug into my thighs as his mouth did magic things.

His hands left my thighs, grasped my ass and raised me off the bed, giving him more open and vulnerable access to the parts of my body he was plundering. His fingers slid between the cheeks of my ass, pausing at the area I fondly called no man’s land. The pressure of his insistent fingers on the area he knew was off limits made me struggle helplessly as he held me tighter. Trying to get away from his fingers but closer to his mouth was impossible.

“Ethan, don’t,” I said.

“Am I hurting you?” he asked, glancing up at me with those damn eyes.

“Um no, but I… well.”

“How about this,” he suggested in a tone laced with sex. “I can promise you that I will make you feel so good you will pass out screaming. You can’t stop me unless it hurts. Hurts in a way that you don’t like,” he added with a smile on his face I was tempted to smack off.

“I… ”

“Say yes,” he whispered, tracing my clit with his thumb. “Say yes.”

This was the man that took me to heights that were unimaginable. He was magic, power and sex and he scared the hell out of me in the best way possible. “Yes.”

“Good girl. Such a good sexy girl.” His fangs scraped the inside of my thigh as his fingers found their way back to my bottom. I shuddered and closed my eyes as his teeth moved closer to my center. The sensations of his fangs teasing my clit while his fingers pressed into my ass made me whimper and moan. The thought of doing something I had always believed was forbidden added to the raging fire in my belly.

Trying to stay still was impossible and my body found a rhythm that pleased itself. I was spiraling to a place I didn’t recognize. Ethan worked with Vampyre speed and I forgot what we had even talked about. I was one huge pulsing nerve open for him to use as he wanted.

I screamed. I screamed so loud I was sure I could be heard in the Basement of Hell. I screamed as his fangs pierced into parts of me that I was sure were illegal and his fingers probed inside of me with expert knowledge of how to make a woman lose her mind. My body flailed and twisted, needing less and more as an orgasm of epic proportions ripped through me leaving me with no coherent thought whatsoever.

“Oh my God,” I gasped in a hoarse voice as aftershocks rocked me.

“That’s just the beginning,” he said, moving up my body and settling himself between my legs.

He pushed only the head of his cock into me and held still as my orgasm pulsed on. He moaned as my body contracted around his and the muscles in his neck strained as he fought to hold out.

“Fuck me,” I begged. “Fuck me hard.”

His concentration snapped and he slammed into my body. As wet and softened as I was, I was still never prepared for his size. I cried out in pleasure and pain as he sheathed himself in me to the hilt. His mouth found my neck and his tongue drew small tight circles around my veins as my body found his rhythm and I met him thrust for thrust. The heat in my abdomen unfurled and shot through my limbs.

The speed and intensity would have killed a mere mortal, but we weren’t mortal. We were Vampyres and I wanted more than just sex. I wanted blood.

“Bite me,” I moaned as I grew closer to another orgasm. “Now,” I hissed as I tightened and clamped around him. He bit down and I cried out with what little voice I had left. The sheer electric force of all the things happening at once were too much. The pulse in his neck called to me and my fangs ached with need. I pressed my lips to his neck and bit.

His shout of pleasure as he came rocked me into darkness. Little explosions of bright golden light burst behind my tightly closed eyes and his lips found mine. I kissed him as if my life depended on it and our tongues tangled and fought.

With our bodies still merged as one, I held on tight. He showered my face and neck with kisses and I breathed him in. He was as essential to me as blood. I needed him to exist. I loved him with everything I had… and I knew he loved me too.

“Was I right?” he asked smugly.

“Um, yes… yes, you were,” I admitted. If I was still capable of blushing I’d be as red as my hair. “You just about killed me.” I giggled and buried my face in his strong neck.

“Come with me,” he said, hopping out of the bed.

“Where are we going?” I followed him out to the living room.

“We’re going to christen every square inch of this house,” he informed me with an evil glint in his sparkling eyes.

“Oh we are, are we?”

“Yes, my love. We are.”

And we did.

Chapter Twenty-One

“I’m sure the bastard cheated, but I can’t prove it,” Satan said as he picked at his breakfast.

“You do realize that you just called Mister Rogers a bastard?” I laughed at the incongruity. My uncle was quite put out with losing and was even more displeased with the deal that had been struck.

“It makes no sense,” he pouted. “I was cheating and he still won.”

“Do ya think there might be a lesson there?” I asked and he rolled his mesmerizing eyes.

“Absolutely not.”

The dining room was massive and as overblown as the rest of the palace. With only three of us at the table the room felt positively cavernous. The table had to seat at least thirty. A buffet was laid out for a king—exotic fruits, homemade breads and jams, pancakes and waffles, muffins and an array of freshly squeezed juices. The maple syrup sat in a bowl of steaming water. The smells were divine and I wished for the umpteenth time I could still eat food.

“I’d offer you some blood, but we don’t keep it on hand,” he said. “I assume from your rosy cheek color and the smell of sex you are both quite satisfied.”

“Um, not that it’s any of your business,” I said, completely embarrassed. “But yes, we’re fine.”

“So, first things first,” he said jovially. “You’ll be delighted to know Lust has been appropriately punished and humiliated. Would you like to know what I did?”

“No,” I said at the same time Ethan said, “Yes.”

“Two against one.” Satan laughed and clapped his hands. “I shall tell you. I do have to congratulate myself. It was quite a creative punishment and one she won’t forget anytime soon.”

I really didn’t want to know, but Satan wanted to brag on his brilliance. I had no choice, but when the reality of what he’d done actually hit I was mortified. However, Ethan seemed quite pleased.

“What did you just say?” I yelled. “You did what?”

“Do you not understand English?” my uncle asked with a wolfish grin on his face. Ethan glanced down to hide his smile. I kicked him under the table and turned my furious gaze back on my uncle.

“Tell me you’re joking,” I snapped.

“Not even a little bit,” he replied. “Think about it, beautiful niece, it makes perfect sense. In order to hit someone where it will hurt, you must tap into their basest desires.”

“But it was an invasion of my privacy.” I crossed my arms over my chest and narrowed my eyes at the Devil.

“Your disrespect is so invigorating,” he shouted with glee.

“So you put her in a cage outside of our guest house and made her listen to us have sex all night?” I was flabbergasted, grossed out and a tiny bit impressed with his evilness.

“Yes, you are correct. And from everything I’ve heard it was quite vocal and completely out of control.” He winked at Ethan.

“Oh my God,” I muttered and pressed my fingers to the bridge of my nose. Last night had been a loud one, even for me. “That is just sick.”

“Yes, well, I am rather proud. She won’t be annoying you for a while.” He poured an obscene amount of syrup on his pancakes and dug in as if all was peachy keen in the world.

Playing with the linen napkin, I did have to agree it was rather brilliant and the petty part of me enjoyed that she heard how good I actually was—Ethan had been very vocal during… Wait. This was fucked. Yesterday I put fifty Demons with questionable pasts out of their misery and then caused a tornado in a poker room right after Mister Rogers may or may not have cheated during a round. Like that wasn’t enough… my evening of screaming sexual gymnastics with my mate ended up being a punishment for the slut who pushed me to the Basement of Hell. I. Needed. To. Go. Home. Now.

“So, Vampyre,” Satan cooed condescendingly.

“Yes, Uncle Fucker?” Ethan replied with a smirk on his face.

Satan winced and pressed his palms to his temples as I slapped my hand over my mouth to hold back the burst of laughter that threatened to escape.

“Point taken,” Satan muttered, shaking his head. “Ethan, you do realize your time is limited down here.”

“Satan, with all due respect, you’re wrong.” Ethan picked up a cup of coffee and took a sip. Damn it, he was old enough to drink stuff other than blood. I was insanely jealous. I dipped my finger in the syrup and touched it to my tongue. Oh hell no, it tasted like butt. My gag caused both sets of golden eyes to land on me.

“Sorry,” I mumbled and shoved my hands under my thighs.

“Anyhoo,” Satan continued, ignoring Ethan’s statement, “I’m quite sure I’m right, so you two will be under a bit of a time constraint to accomplish this little mission I have for you.”

“You’re wrong,” I said.

He blew out an exasperated sigh and shook his head sadly at us. “I don’t know where you’re getting your information from but I can… ”

“Your mother.”

Satan paled considerably and his eyes darted around the room in fear. “What are you talking about?” he whispered wildly. “Is she here?”

“Nope, she’s doing Grandpa in Nirvana for a week or so.”

“I’m sorry, what?” While my uncle’s color had come back his voice was still barely audible.

“Grandma, who prefers Gigi, is doing the nasty with Grandpa this week. She stopped by the other day and we had a little chat.” I grinned at his discomfort.

“You’re alive?”

“Yep, even after I suggested she look into some meds.” I ignored his look of shock and folded my napkin into a swan with droopy wings. I had never been good at napkin animals.

Satan was speechless. I was fairly sure this was a first for him and I had to admit I enjoyed it. He focused on his fruit and chewed as he thought. It was his turn so I waited.

“Did you talk to her?” he asked Ethan.

“Only at the end. She threatened to smite me.” He shuddered at the memory.

Satan sighed in relief. “She threatens me with that all the time.”

I blew out a frustrated sigh and slapped my hands down on the table. “Look, I’m tired of the bullshit and I want to go home. Gigi stopped time on Earth for me and there is no chance of Ethan dying. You, on the other hand, are in deep doodoo. Your mother is lonely and pissed. It would behoove you to visit her once in a while. You might curb her deadly tantrums if you showed a little respect or at the very least kissed her ass on a monthly basis. I’d recommend you get your pansy ass over to Nirvana. However, I wouldn’t go this week because like I said, I believe she and Gramps are going to be busy.”

“Did you just call me a pansy ass and use the term doodoo?” Satan inquired looking flabbergasted.

I thought for a moment about lying, but decided that wouldn’t really work. “Yes, I did.”

“Would you promise to call God a pansy ass when he comes for lunch at the end of the week?”

“Will that help my case?” I asked.

“Yes, it would,” he answered with a huge smile pulling at his lips. “It would make me very happy indeed.”

Grinning, I shook my head. I was dealing with two year olds who could destroy the world. Who fucking knew? “Fine. I’ll call God a pansy ass. Now I want to go home. Today.”

“No can do, pretty one,” Satan said, digging back into his pancakes with gusto. Clearly my agreeing to call his brother a pansy ass brought his appetite back.

“Should I call Gigi?” I asked politely.

“No,” both Satan and Ethan yelled at the same time.

I shot the evil eye at my mate. I’d been bluffing and he was screwing me up.

“Sorry,” he muttered and went back to his coffee.

“Listen, Uncle,” I said with saccharine sweetness. “I’m pregnant and you’re eating pancakes. This does not work for me. I would like to tear your head off right now, so start talking or I’m calling my grandma.”

To say the Devil looked taken aback would be an understatement. “Fine. You win… this round. I have a little problem. The Sword of Death has gone missing and I need it back.”

“Yes, and?” I said, knowing where we were going.

“I can’t actually kill anyone to get it back and I need someone who can to find it and destroy the traitor who took it,” he stated logically as if I’d understand and agree.

“So basically you want an assassin to go do your dirty work when you all were dumb enough to leave the damn thing in the Den of Iniquity.”

“Yes, that sounds about right,” he agreed, speared a piece of pineapple and ate it. It was good he was eating pineapple. I was allergic to pineapple. If he’d eaten bacon I would have used a little magic voodoo and sewn his lips shut. Glancing around the table I realized there was no bacon or sausage or eggs in sight. He was a lucky man.

“That is a tempting offer, but I’ll have to pass. I’m not a hired killer and neither is my mate.”

“I beg to differ. You killed fifty Demons yesterday and seem quite fine today,” he said, watching me with curiosity.

Looking down at my hands, I wanted to cry. Ethan tensed beside me and the room filled with his heavy-duty magic. I squeezed his hand to let him know I could handle it. There was no getting around the fact that I had created the magic that destroyed those men… I looked my uncle in the eye and let my tears fall without shame. “That was not for money. That was for honor.”

“Yes, I believe it was.” Satan nodded and stood. Pacing back and forth he ran his hands through his hair.

“Ethan, I want to go.”

“Listen to what he has to say. I have a feeling it’s far more complicated than just finding a sword,” Ethan answered.

“Nothing down here is what it seems.”

“As is with most of life.” He gave me a brief smile and took my hand in his.

“Are you two done?” Satan demanded impatiently.

“For the moment,” Ethan said smoothly.

“There’s a balance. Good and evil. The lines are constantly crossed and blurred. The Sword was created to destroy what can no longer distinguish the difference,” Satan said.

“Its purpose is to kill a True Immortal?” I asked.

“True Immortal?” Ethan asked.

“There are seven True Immortals; myself, the pansy ass God, Mother Nature, The Angels of Light and Death, my father and the Woman. We cannot be killed by conventional means. We can either choose death and then use the Sword, or the Sword of Death can be plunged through our hearts three times and we would cease to be.”

“I would assume that would be a difficult feat,” Ethan surmised.

“Yes,” Satan agreed, “but not impossible.”

“Grandpa said there are three empty spaces,” I lied, not wanted to reveal that I’d read that fact in the book. “Do those True Immortals exist yet?”

Satan gave me an odd stare for a moment and then shrugged. “Possibly, but I’m not quite sure. No one is. It is something we are all trying to discover. The worry is that the new Immortals could tip the balance.”

“And that would be bad.”

“Very.” Satan’s pacing stopped and his hand went back to his hair. “Losing any one of the True Immortals would upset the balance. Those ramifications would not just be felt in Heaven and Hell… they would decimate your world as you know it. This is far bigger than a missing Sword.”

“Why in the hell are we the only ones looking for it?” I was shocked. I would think everyone would be freaking out… not eating pancakes and making lunch dates.

“No one else knows yet,” he said and sat back down.

“Your mother and father know,” I told him.

“Yes.” He nodded wearily. “But God and the Angels don’t.”

“What about the Woman?”

He stared at the ceiling lost in thought for a moment and then rejoined us. “No one knows where she is.”

Now there was a story I was sure I wouldn’t be privy to. “How do you know one of them didn’t take it?”

“Because every time it’s gone missing, it’s some idiot in Hell trying to overthrow me.” He heaved a put upon sigh. “As much as I love deception and liars, it does get exhausting.”

I rolled my head and tried to piece together what he had said and I realized it was a whole bunch of nothing. “Do you have any leads? I don’t even know the territory here. How do you expect us to find the damn thing?”

“I know it’s in Hell. I can feel it and I am sure that someone very close to me is the culprit.”

A chill tickled my spine and I hated Hell just a little more than I did seconds ago. He was asking me to destroy a Demon close to him or, God the pansy ass forbid, a family member.

“No,” I said. “I won’t kill anyone that’s not trying to kill me or Ethan or… ” Shit. My reasoning didn’t hold up. I would kill someone trying to kill Dixie, Grandpa, Gigi, and even the Devil himself. Was it the pregnancy hormones or was I losing it?

“It has very little to do with an individual life, Astrid. It has to do with the delicate balance of good and evil. Without it, none of us exist.”

“So if we don’t get it back, the world will end,” I rolled my eyes and in frustration picked up my napkin again. I’d try for a simple fan this time.

“I’m disappointed at your simplistic thinking,” he tsked. “Of course the world wouldn’t blow up and be over. It’s far more insidious than that. It would slowly morph into a place so filled with confusion and the inability to distinguish right and wrong, it would implode upon itself eventually. Most likely during the lifetime of your son.”

That gave both Ethan and I huge pause, but how was I to be sure my uncle wasn’t lying? “I would think all that debauchery would make you happy,” I snapped.

“Then you don’t know me at all. While I might lack in morals, I am not an evil man.”

I snorted.

“Yes.” He grinned at me. “Some may disagree with my self-assessment, but I speak the truth… this time. I am simply the keeper of those who choose the dark side. I do not force or coerce man to do evil. He doesn’t need my help for that. I do thrive on it and punish it, but someone has to or the balance would be broken.”

“He makes perfect sense,” Ethan said.

I shot him a surprised glance. “You think we should do this?”

“Honestly, I don’t think he’s giving us a choice.” He said exactly what I had started to think. “But I do think we cut a bargain with him. I don’t trust that he will let us leave even if we find the Sword.”

“If we do this, what do we get in return?” I asked Satan, who was very aware Ethan and I could communicate telepathically.

“What do you want?” he asked, back in his element of wheeling and dealing.

I thought about it carefully. Wording was important. My Uncle was a master manipulator and I was not… What could I get that would be beneficial to my world and my child in the long run that wouldn’t fuck up the balance?

“Well, I want my natural hair color back.” I heard Ethan drop his head back and moan.

“I’m not done yet,” I hissed and elbowed him. “We want to go home with no strings attached. You have to give us back our weapons. You will visit your mother on a regular basis—meaning weekly. You will delve into the minds of those Demons that my father ruined and if they seek forgiveness, you will end them.”

“You’re asking me to bend the rules of Hell.” His voice was low and angry.

“No,” I countered. “I have no issue with how you handle your sinning souls. That’s your prerogative, but the Demons my father lied to and blackmailed… different matter.”

“Their souls are not clear.”

“True,” I agreed, “but they never had a chance. Never.”

“You drive a hard bargain, niece.” He laughed and clapped Ethan on the back. “You are a very lucky Vampyre to have garnered her favor.”

“I agree,” Ethan said.

“So?” I asked. “Do we have a deal?”

He took a seat next to me and I was overwhelmed by his beauty and power. Who did I think I was to bargain with the Devil? I was a blip in time compared to him… hell, I was a blip in time compared to my mate. I should have let Ethan negotiate. Shit.

“I shall agree with all but one point,” he said. His proximity was intoxicating and I found myself leaning toward him. “No weapons.”

WTF?

“You will only need your magic here. Have you seen any weapons in Hell?” he asked.

Thinking hard, I realized I hadn’t. I would think Hell would be armed to the teeth.

“We have no weapons here. We have no use for them. They are made to kill. Magic can do both, but there is a choice. Weapons leave little choice.”

“Jesus, that’s profound,” I muttered.

“Actually, he is.” Satan nodded in agreement.

“Wait. What?” I was completely confused.

“Your cousin, Jesus. He’s quite profound. I like him. Now his father is another story… sanctimonious shit.”

“You have a deal,” Ethan said quietly. “We will return your Sword and then we will leave. Forever.”

“Astrid?” Satan stared at me.

“Yes. Yes, you have a deal.”

He stood and moved to leave the room. “Oh, there is one more little thing.”

Of course there was.

“We need to return the Sword to its home before my brother God graces Hell with his pansy ass for lunch.”

“And that would be when?” I asked, hoping he wouldn’t say today.

“In three days on the lunar eclipse,” he replied. “The son of a bitch will be here in three days.”

Chapter Twenty-Two

“We have three days to save the world. It sounds like the plot of a cheesy action flick,” I groaned and flopped down on the couch in our little guesthouse.

“I think it’s a test,” Ethan mused.

“A test?” I sat up and watched him move around the room. The fluidity of his movement and his ass in his jeans made me want to jump him, but there was no time for nookie right now.

“For you,” he said. “Satan is testing you for some reason.”

“Do you think the Sword of Death hasn’t really gone missing?”

He sat down next to me and absently played with my red locks. “I think things are happening to you here and he is testing your ability. I do believe someone has taken the Sword, but it’s gone missing before and he got it back. I find it interesting that he wants you to do it.”

“Us,” I corrected him.

“No, I’m incidental to him. His real interest is in you and I don’t like it.”

“Well, I’m not particularly happy about it either.”

“Come here,” he said.

I crawled onto his lap and looked at the man who was so much more to me than a mate. Gently, I ran my fingers over his perfect lips. Our connection went beyond sexual; it was elemental—necessary. Staring at him, I forgot where I ended and he began. Unsure what higher power even meant anymore, I instead thanked the stars, the sun and the moon for giving him to me.

“I love you, my Vampyre,” I whispered as I lay my head in the crook of his neck.

“And I you,” he said.

“Where do we even start to look?” I murmured as I snuggled closer.

“There are several family functions over the next few days,” General George bellowed from the doorway.

“Oh my God,” I shrieked, flying off Ethan and the couch, causing me to trip over the coffee table. “Does anybody in Hell knock?”

“Door was open,” he informed me.

“No,” I told him. “It wasn’t.”

His eyebrows flapped in laughter. “Fine. I picked it,” he conceded. “But we have work to do.”

“We?”

“Why of course, dear child. You didn’t think our great ruler would send you into the trenches blind. Did you?” He moseyed into the living room and headed for the kitchen. “You have anything to eat here?”

“No clue,” I muttered and watched him negotiate the room with amazing grace for such a huge monster. “I don’t eat food. Is Bambi here?”

“No, she went to Nirvana to make sure Mother Nature hasn’t killed your grandfather.”

“Is that a possibility?” I asked, horrified.

“No.” He chuckled. “But she has been known to incapacitate him for a few months due to her… uh, creativity.”

“TMI.” I shook my head and followed him to the kitchen. “What do you want?”

“Veggies, fruit or ice cream,” he said, making himself comfortable.

“You really don’t eat meat?” I asked as I searched the fridge.

“No, clogs the arteries.”

I found some celery and oranges. “But you’re immortal, aren’t you?”

“Yes, but no reason to muck up the system,” he said as he shoved three oranges into his large mouth, peel and all.

“Come to think of it, Satan had no meat on his table this morning either,” Ethan said, watching in fascination as the General threw back six more oranges and three bunches of celery at the same time.

“We think alike on many matters,” the General explained.

I was amazed that he ate with his mouth and spoke through his eyebrows, but thought it might be rude to point it out. “Can he speak to you like we can?” I asked as I handed him some apples I found on the counter.

“Thank you, dear. And yes, of course he can speak with me. He created me, in a way.”

“You gonna expand on that?” I asked and contemplated licking an apple just to see if it tasted like butt.

“Nope.” He grinned with both his brows and his full mouth.

“Figures. So, family functions?”

He finished chewing, swallowed and graced us with a burp to end all burps. Thankfully it smelled like brownies. “Yes, there will be a formal dinner this evening. Tomorrow there will be a fight exhibition followed by a concert by a Journey cover band. And of course on the day of lunar eclipse there will be the lunch with God.”

He had almost rendered me speechless with the Journey cover band thing, but the fight exhibition and the impending lunar eclipse were more alarming. “What kind of fighting?”

“Hand to hand. No magic,” he said.

“That sounds interesting,” Ethan chimed in.

“Nope,” I told him, moving on to the next item on my agenda. “The lunar eclipse… ”

“Yes, dear?” George replied.

“That’s significant, isn’t it?” I said. “It’s when the Sword of Death can be used to kill a True Immortal. Right?”

“Yes.”

“Does your master have nefarious plans for his brother? Is that why he’s given me three days to find the damn thing?” I was mad. Satan was a douche and I was done. I refused to be an accessory to offing God.

“My goodness, what an imagination you have!” The General laughed heartily. “Satan and God are not the closest of siblings, but neither one would kill the other. Ever. It would upset the balance more than the Sword being missing. Plus, they’d have to answer to Mother Nature.” George shuddered and grunted in terror.

I considered what he said, but I wasn’t sure who to trust anymore. I adored George, but he did work for Satan.

“Sometimes you have to go with your gut,” Ethan said.

“What if my gut is wrong?” I asked. “There’s kind of a lot riding here.”

“True. How about go with your heart instead of your gut,” he suggested.

“Shit,” I muttered and he grinned.

My heart said to trust George. This entire thing would be a little easier to swallow if the fate of the world wasn’t resting on it. A tiny flutter in my stomach made me catch my breath. Our baby was letting me know I was correct. Holy Heaven and Hell, what was I giving birth to? Would he even need me? He was so much wiser than me already. I cupped my slightly rounded belly with my hands and gently rubbed. The warm feeling of my son’s contentment washed away my fear of inadequacy. He needed me as much as I needed him.

“Okay,” I told George. “I believe you. Let’s go get this shit done.”

“Patience, my child. I made a promise to you and I intend to keep it.” George shook his bulbous head sadly.

“What promise?” Ethan asked.

George said nothing, but he didn’t have to. I remembered.

“He said he would take me to my mother.”

“No,” Ethan said adamantly. “Absolutely not.”

I put my hand on his arm. “Ethan, this is not for you to decide. I need to see her once more. Please understand.”

Ethan paced the small kitchen in frustration and ran his hands through his hair. “Can her mother hurt her?” he demanded of George.

“Not physically,” he answered.

“I don’t like this, Astrid,” he said. He leaned back on the counter and shoved his hands in his pockets. “If you go I will go with you.”

He had seen most of me, but he hadn’t seen the pathetic child who still longed for her mother’s love. I wasn’t sure I could take him knowing.

“I have seen her. I’ve seen her in your mind and that’s why I don’t want you to put yourself through that again,” he said quietly, staring at the ceiling. “I love you—all of you. The little girl inside you breaks my heart. If you go… I will go with you. Period.”

“Okay,” I whispered. “Okay.”

“Put your hands on my back,” the General instructed. “This will not hurt… much.”

* * *

General George was right. It was far less violent than my last trip to the Basement. Ethan looked a bit shaken up, but he wanted to come. Oh crap. I glanced down at my outfit and cringed. I should have changed into a dress before seeing my mother. While I loved the vintage jeans, combat boots and fitted black t-shirt I wore, I knew she would not find me up to snuff. Although I didn’t even think a designer ball gown would help much in this instance.

I recognized where we were. It was the same place I’d ended the Demons. Surprisingly, I didn’t feel sick… I actually felt peace with what I had done.

“Are you ready?” George asked.

“No, but that doesn’t matter.” I stepped toward the crevasse. The lights wailed and bounced. “How do I find her?”

“Call to her,” he said.

Could it be that easy? Would she just be a light or would she look like my mother? I hoped if she looked human, she wouldn’t be on fire. Fuck, this wasn’t a good idea.

“If you’ve changed your mind we could… ”

“No.” I cut George off and took two steps closer to the flames. I was amazed that the heat of the blazing fire didn’t affect me. I searched for a happy memory of my mother from the past and couldn’t find one. Was I a classic abuse victim coming back for more? Maybe, but I wanted one last try to make her hear me. I didn’t need her love anymore, but I wanted her to know I loved her—as damaged as she was.

“Astrid,” Ethan called from behind me.

My hand flew up to stop him. This was my battle and mine alone. “Mother?”

Nothing.

“Mother?” I called again. Wait. What in the hell was I thinking? She didn’t like being my mother. In life she rarely let me call her mother. She didn’t want people to think she was old… “Petra, it’s me—your daughter. Astrid.”

The fire grew wilder and I was tempted to step back, but I held my ground. I was certain it couldn’t hurt me. The soul lights screeched and moaned and then went silent. It was so abrupt, I gasped… and then she appeared. Her beauty was undiminished, but bright orange burning embers clung to her. She was completely naked, but the only part of her that wasn’t blurred with red haze was her face. She twisted and writhed as if in pain, but she smiled. Was she happy to see me? My heart lodged in my throat.

“Hi,” I whispered.

She stared and said nothing. I wasn’t sure she knew who I was. The other souls darted around her, but stayed silent.

“What do you want?” she demanded in a voice tinged with insanity.

That was an excellent question. Now that I faced her, I was no longer sure.

“I wanted to see you… to see if you were all right.” My voice sounded child-like and timid. I gouged my nails into my thighs to punish myself for still needing her to want me.

“How do you think I am?” she hissed. “I was meant to lead—to rule. He promised me,” she screamed. Her body became clearer and I realized she was covered in profusely bleeding cuts. I put my hand over my mouth so I wouldn’t cry out. Her formerly perfect outside was now as damaged as her inside.

“Have you seen him?” she asked with excitement. “I’ve been waiting for him to take me out of here, but he’s late.”

“No,” I said, trying to swallow back tears. “I haven’t seen him.”

“He’ll come back and this time I’ll behave. I’ll kill everyone he wants me to and I will behave,” she promised. She panted like a dog and swatted at the soul lights. “Leave me,” she shouted at the flickering souls. “I’m talking to a woman who knows my lover. She will help me escape.”

“Do you know who I am?”

She narrowed her eyes and tilted her head. “Of course—you’re the one I should have killed when you were born. My lover wanted me to, but there was an old woman who kept saving you. I killed that bitch.” My mother’s laughter rang in my ears and my stomach churned. My nana had saved me in so many ways that I never even knew. The woman who floated before me was an abomination. She was pathetic and evil.

“I have to go,” I muttered and turned to leave.

“Wait,” she begged. “I could be your friend if you help me get out of here. We could find my lover and we could rule the world. It would be so much fun. He will beat you and rape you, but after a while you won’t mind. If you close your eyes you can float to another place with ponies and fireflies. I promise to take my share. I always did my share. Will you help me?”

Oh my God. I dropped to my knees and my body curled in on itself as I tried to hold back the bile in my throat. Anger and a feeling of helplessness consumed me. I wanted to tear at my own skin. Was she a victim too? Had my father destroyed her long before she was my mother? I knew she’d been reincarnated many times. She went back to my father each life and they built an army to destroy the world, but had it been his idea or hers?

Tears stung my eyes and I realized she wasn’t capable of love. It had been beaten out of her many lifetimes before she gave birth to me. Forgiveness was no longer difficult. She was so broken it was almost unfathomable. I knew without a doubt what I was going to do.

I glanced back at George and Ethan who stood quietly and watched. Every muscle in my mate’s body was tense and the pain I saw in his eyes made me love him even more. He was going to be a beautiful father and I was going to be a beautiful mother. I just had one more thing to do here.

Letting my mind leave my body, I closed my eyes and searched for my mother. She was blocked. There was no way in. I pressed my hands to my forehead and tried again. Closed. Why couldn’t I go in? She had no chance. My father had destroyed her the same way he had destroyed Lance and the other Demons. I wanted to give my mother one last gift. She was by no means innocent of guilt, but she was as much a victim as the ones I’d shown mercy on yesterday.

“You can’t enter the mind of a soul,” George said.

I whipped around and stared at him. How did he know what I was doing? Hell, I didn’t even care. I just wanted his help. “Is there any way to end her suffering?” I asked desperately.

“None that I know of,” he said.

“I was meant to rule the world,” she screamed, coming completely unhinged. “Find my lover, girl. Bring him to me and he will reward you with immortality and riches. He promised.” She was now foaming at the mouth and her beauty was marred by the blood and pus that poured from her wounds. She had smeared it all over her face and in her hair. It was all I could do to look at her.

“I will try to find him for you,” I promised, telling her what I thought she wanted to hear. “I promise to find the answer to help you.”

“You’re a good girl,” she grunted as she slapped at the flames. “I wish I’d known you better.”

“So do I,” I whispered. “Goodbye.” I turned back to George and Ethan. “Take me out of here. Now.”

“As you wish.”

Chapter Twenty-Three

It took several hours of staring into space before I was ready to speak. Ethan sat next to me and General George lay quietly at my feet. I wanted to give mercy to the woman who had shown me no compassion in life. Putting the sad pieces of her story together made my heart break. I was no longer surprised at how happy everyone was that I had killed my father. He was horrific. Truly horrific.

“I want to end her—to give her peace,” I said.

“I know.” Ethan reached over and held me.

“She was already gone before she was mine and that wasn’t her fault.”

“She made choices,” the General said flatly. “She went to him willingly.”

“Yes, but under false pretenses. I know she was greedy and committed horrors over her lifetimes, but… after lifetimes of concentrated abuse and rape, do you really think she had free will to make a choice to leave? Do you?” I demanded.

“I do not know. It is not my place to condemn or forgive, nor is it yours,” he said.

“I think nothing is black and white. You talk of balance and good and evil, who in the hell is keeping tabs here? It certainly doesn’t seem like Satan is,” I yelled.

George simply stared at me.

“I’m sorry. It’s not your fault. Maybe it’s not even Satan’s. With as many people that are here who could really dig deep enough to figure all the nuances out?” I reached out and ran my hand through George’s soft fur. “I’m just sad and angry.”

“I know, child. I will leave you now to rest. I will see you this evening.”

With that he disappeared in a burst of glitter. I glanced at where George had lain and saw something shiny.

“Did the General lay an egg or does he poop shimmering rocks?” I asked, leaning off the couch to peer at what looked like a small shiny egg or worse.

“I certainly hope not,” Ethan said, examining the object. “Oh my God,” he muttered. “The amulet.”

“What amulet?”

“My father gave me this before I followed you to Hell. It will kill one. Only one. The one meant to lead,” he said, remembering his father’s words.

“Holy shit, that can kill Satan?” I picked up the stone and rolled it in my hand. It was smooth and gave off heavy vibes of magic.

“Now that I know of True Immortals, I’m not sure,” Ethan admitted. “Quite honestly, I don’t even know how it works.”

“I’m going to assume that very little is a mistake as far as the General goes. He left that here on purpose. Do you really think he would give us the means to kill his lord and master?” I was fascinated with the amulet. It was as beautiful as it was deadly.

“He must have taken it from Lust. She had stolen it when I was beaten and chained.”

“Did she know what she had?” I asked, still furious about what she had done.

“No, she couldn’t have.”

“What do we do with this thing?” I asked.

“We keep it until we need it,” he answered logically.

“And if we don’t?”

“All the better for everyone,” he said.

“Put the damn thing away. Wait, I’ll put it with the book Grandpa gave me. I shoved it under the mattress.” I took the stone and ran to the bedroom. The bed looked inviting and I was freakin’ exhausted.

“Would you like to cuddle?” Ethan stood in the doorway, looking every inch the sex-on-a-stick Vampyre Prince he was.

“Um, kind of.” I smiled and crooked my finger. All of a sudden I wasn’t so tired. “Come here.”

His smile undid me. We slid into each other’s arms and fell onto the bed. Jeans and t-shirts disappeared and it was impossible to get close enough. I wanted to crawl inside him and live there. Forever. He reverently ran his hands over my newly rounded belly.

“So beautiful,” he murmured. “So amazing.”

“Do you think he’ll like us?” I placed my hand on top of his as he made lazy circles on my stomach.

“God, I hope so.” He laughed and moved his hand to my breast.

“I thought you wanted to cuddle.” I sighed happily and arched my back so he cupped me more fully.

“Ahhh, you’re right,” he teased. He removed his hand from my aching breast and wrapped me in a non-sexual embrace. “I’m not in the mood anyway.”

“You suck,” I giggled and rubbed my bottom on some very hard evidence that belied his words.

“You do realize that we have to be at your uncle’s in a half hour.”

“Can we be fashionably late?” I murmured, placing his hands back on my breasts.

“I’m good with that,” he said and shimmied my panties to my ankles.

“I wannna be on top,” I said as I straddled his body and felt the fire begin to unfurl low in my belly. “Do you mind?”

“I’d be delighted.” His lopsided grin made my lady parts dance.

God, I loved this man. I loved him inside and out, but his outside was making me crazy at the moment.

“One rule,” I whispered as I rubbed myself like a cat on his chest. “No breaking eye contact the entire time. I want to watch you come and I want you to watch me.”

“That could be arranged,” he said huskily. His eyes blazed green and hips moved in a slow fashion that promised really, really good things.

“Poke her boobie, it’s squishy,” a little voice squealed with excitement.

“Nooooooo, why he get to poke Mommy’s melons? Mommy no let me grab her jugs,” another whined.

“Pretty boy touches Mommy’s butt. Me saw him smack it and Mommy laugh!”

“Was Mommy bad girl and get spank spank?” yet another asked with great concern.

“What the hell?” Ethan groaned and covered himself with the sheet. “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” He slapped his hand over his eyes and tried not to laugh.

“Off,” I yelled at my inappropriately nosy Demons. “Off the bed and out of the room. Now.”

“But Mommy, it just getting good,” Beyonce complained. Abe was humping the air and Ross was trying to pry Ethan’s fingers from his eyes.

“Mommmmy, how bout we be quiet and no touch. Can we stay?” Rachel asked sweetly as she pulled on Ethan’s chest hair.

“No,” I snapped. They were better than a vat of ice water as far as libido destroyers went. “You most certainly cannot watch. Ever… wait, have you been watching us?”

“Um, what you mean, Mommy?” Ross inquired innocently, slinking away from Ethan’s head.

“I mean,” I said as I pinched my thighs to keep from laughing or screaming, “have you been watching Ethan and I… um,”

“Get jiggy?” Beyonce asked.

“Bump uglies?” Abe grunted and acted out his suggestion.

“Get some stankie on the hang down?” Rachel offered and Ethan choked.

“I know,” Ross yelled. “She mean to say pound the duck!”

“Oh my God,” I moaned as I scooped up my little monsters and tossed them out to the living room. Ethan’s laughter followed me as I herded them out of the room much to their great disappointment at not being invited to the party.

“Are you guys almost ready?” Dixie was standing in the living room, fully dressed and ready to go. “It’s a sit down dinner and Daddy has a shit fit if we’re late.”

My head dropped to my chest and I wanted to cry. I liked Dixie a lot. I was growing to love her, but right now I wanted to kill her. “Be there in a sec,” I said and raced back to the bedroom. “Get up and get dressed. Our ride to my uncle’s is here,” I whispered and tried not to laugh at the incredulous expression on his face.

“We’re finding the damned Sword tonight. I am done with being interrupted. My very impressive package is going to fall off soon if I keep having to ice it down.” He swore and stomped into the bathroom to take a shower. A cold one. I wanted to join him, but that would add insult to injury.

“We’ll be out in a sec,” I repeated and pulled out a sexy black number. With my blood red locks, I had very little choice in the color department. I yanked on some hotter than hell thigh high boots and twisted my hair into a messy knot. I was pissy but good to go.

After a two minute icy shower Ethan came back a bit calmer. He took a long look at my ensemble, rolled his neck and closed his eyes. “The boots are not helping,” he muttered as he retrieved the amulet from the mattress. “The stone can be worn as a charm. I want it on your neck.”

“Is that smart? What if someone knows what it is?” I said.

“Fuck ‘em,” he said. He removed the thin gold chain from my neck and slid the amulet on. It was beautiful. “I’ll feel better if you have this since we’ve been forbidden weapons.”

It fell perfectly between my breasts and sparkled with magic. “It’s a little scary.” I laughed and glanced down at the tiny rock of utter destruction, but Ethan was right. If I needed it… I would use it.

“You ready?” he asked. He was dressed head to toe in Hugo Boss and I wanted to strip him with my teeth. Instead I sighed and grabbed a clutch.

“Yes, as ready as I’ll ever be.”

He grinned and gave me a quick but promising peck on the lips. “Let’s go.”

Chapter Twenty-Four

The dining room was still massive, but less so than this morning. Filled with Demons dressed to the nines, it looked like the set of a movie. Carl, Janet and Myrtle were on duty again making rounds with heavy silver trays laden with champagne and hors d’oeuvres. I was curious what Satan deemed appropriate eats for a formal diner party, so I hightailed it to Janet.

“Would you like some smoked salmon, Astrid?” she asked.

“No weenies tonight?”

“No.” She giggled and popped a perfect toast point smeared with cream cheese, salmon and capers into her mouth. “I like the soy weenies better, but Satan said we had to have classier fare tonight. Ohhhh, you look beautiful. Your hair is amazing.”

“Thanks,” I muttered ungratefully. Trying to ignore my hair color was impossible. There was no avoiding tresses the color of blood. “Do you know everyone here tonight?” I needed to start somewhere and I highly doubted that Janet had taken the Sword.

“Well,” she whispered, “I know who everyone is. They wouldn’t know me, because… I’m me, but it’s the cream of the crop in attendance.”

“Who are those people?” I pointed to a group of hard looking men sipping champagne and exchanging terse pleasantries.

“Those are Guards, like Cole.” Her cheeks darkened with displeasure. “They think they run the show when the Master isn’t around.”

“Don’t they?”

“Yes, but… ”

“But what?” I asked. Were they cruel? Were they screwing with Satan?

“Nothing,” she said, quickly recovering. With a big fake smile plastered on her sweet face, she gave me a small curtsy and hustled away.

“Anything interesting?” Ethan asked. He held a glass of champagne and eyed the crowd.

“Janet is afraid of the Guards over there. Possibility one or more might have delusions of grandeur about taking over Hell.” I dipped my pinkie into his glass and touched it to my tongue. “Motherfucker,” I hissed and choked. “How old do I have to be for food to stop tasting like butt?”

“Three hundred,” he answered and arched an eyebrow in amusement.

“It’s really not funny. I’m pregnant and I want pickles and ice cream. Only problem is I’m not fond of things that taste like dusty ass,” I snapped.

“I can see how that might be a problem,” he agreed. I rolled my eyes and elbowed him. His grunt of pain made me happy. “How many people know of the Sword?” he asked as he pinched my ass in retaliation.

“Good question.” I gasped and smacked his hand. I considered tickling him or licking my finger and sticking it in his ear, but figured that was very immature and might be conspicuous.

“Hi guys, is this boring or what?” Dixie said as she tucked herself between us. “I hate these things.”

“Dixie, how many people know about the Sword?” I asked.

Her head whipped to me so fast I felt a breeze. Her pretty eyes narrowed and she grabbed my arm in a vise-like grip. “What do you know about the Sword?”

“Ease up,” I hissed and discreetly pushed her to a corner by a ridiculously large plant in a gold and jewel encrusted pot. The show of wealth in Hell was staggering. Ethan stepped in front and hid us from view. “Let go of my arm. I like you and want you to keep your hands.”

She reluctantly released me, but her body stayed tense. “What do you know about the Sword?” she repeated.

“I know it’s missing and I know I now suspect you of taking it.” I watched a myriad of expressions cross her face, but the largest was disbelief. I relaxed a bit. My gut and heart knew she didn’t steal it.

“I would never do that. It would put the Balance of Chaos in jeopardy, not to mention the lives of my father and grandfather,” she ground out. “What else do you know?”

“I’m asking questions at the moment,” I told her. “You’ll get your turn. How many know of the Sword?”

“Most believe it’s a story—that it doesn’t really exist.”

“Yes, and?”

“The True Immortals know.” She glanced around in a slight panic. I wasn’t sure if she was scared to tell me or terrified someone would hear her.

“Well, duh.” I rolled my eyes. “I assumed they knew. Who else?”

“I’m not exactly sure.” She shook her head and picked at her freshly painted nails. “I think my sisters know and most likely my dad’s top advisors… ”

“How do you know about it?” I asked. This was going to be a little easier than I’d originally thought—possibly.

She paused and gave me a hard stare before she went on. “Grandpa told me about it,” she said. “I don’t know if he was supposed to so I’ve never told anyone.”

“Which sisters do you think have any knowledge of the Sword?”

“I can’t be sure… why do you want it?” she demanded. “If you hurt my father, I’ll… ” Her fists clenched in anger and tears filled her eyes.

“Stop.” I grabbed her by the shoulders and I got in her face. “Your father asked me to find it. It’s been stolen. I would never hurt him. You have my word.” I kept my voice low. The room was starting to fill.

She eyed me with distrust, but I saw the hope in her eyes. “You won’t use it against him?” she whispered.

“I may be a loose cannon but I’m not an idiot. I want it back where it’s supposed to be so I can go home. As lovely and over the top as Hell is, I really prefer Kentucky.”

She took a deep breath and laid her head on my chest. “I knew something bad was happening. I felt it. I just didn’t think it was this. I thought it was that Amanda was having a boy.”

“Why is that bad?”

“It means she carries the true heir to Hell.” Her body tensed. “Do you think Amanda has the Sword?” Dixie gasped and tried to pull away. “I’ll kill her.”

“Dixie, no.” I held her firmly and got right back up in her face. “You will do nothing. I will watch Amanda and if she tries anything I’ll take care of her. You are out of this. Do you understand me?”

“I know I’m not as magical as my sisters, but I love my father despite his shortcomings, and I will fight for him. Always.” Her slim body shook and her eyes blazed red. She was gorgeous.

“Why would Amanda kill him? The child hasn’t been born yet.”

“Many doubt the child is his,” she said. “If my father is gone they will have to accept the child as their ruler regardless.”

“Okay, but a simple DNA test will solve that little issue. Whether Satan is here or not.” Heaven help us all, maybe they did really need me here…

“Astrid, what you don’t understand about Demons is a lot,” she sighed and put her hand on my face. “Every Demon in Hell carries some of my father’s DNA—even those he didn’t sire. It’s a magical ritual that happens when a child is born that determines who the true father is. Without my father… no magic or ritual. The child will have to be taken at face value and since it appears at this time my father believes the baby is his, the population will follow that lead.”

“That is so fucked up, I don’t know what to say,” I mumbled.

“Just be happy you’re half Vampyre,” Ethan whispered over his shoulder. “You ladies need to finish your chat—we’re getting some stares.”

“Dixie,” I urged. “Let me handle this. If I need your help I will ask for it, but I don’t want you getting hurt. Promise me.”

“I promise to let you do what you have to do,” she said.

“Okay, that is a total bullshit answer because you just promised nothing and… ”

“All rise for Satan,” Cole shouted above the din of the crowd.

“We’ll finish this conversation later,” I hissed and pulled her and her grinning face out from behind the plant.

The crowd hushed as Satan entered with a radiant Amanda on his arm. I could tell nothing from the way she mooned at him. She was either a great actress or totally innocent. The Devil was dressed in Prada and so was his consort. Stunning didn’t even begin to cover it and the crowd purred its approval. Satan’s smile almost made me forget my name and I giggled as I recalled I’d told him he was a pansy ass.

He was followed by the Sins. They came in a close second to their father and his consort. They shone like jewels and I studied them carefully. This was not going to be as easy as I thought. I searched the room for Cole. I wanted to keep my eye on him too. He stood to the side and watched Satan and Amanda with intense interest. It may have been a mistake on my part not having gotten to know him a bit better. Well, no time like the present.

“You’re more beautiful than all thoth bitcheth put together,” Carl whispered in my ear and I jumped. Where in the hell did he come from?

“Carl, you just scared the shit out of me, but thank you.”

“Your motht welcome, Athrid. I’d offer you a drink, but alath I have no blood,” he said apologetically.

“It’s okay,” I assured him. “Hey Carl, why is Janet afraid of the Guards?”

His demeanor changed on a dime from sweet and harmless to furious. “Did they talk to her?”

“No,” I said quickly as I realized I could be inadvertently opening a fucked up can of whoop ass.

He relaxed marginally. “Ever thince she had her beard and muthache removed they have perthued her. Janet ith my mate and I won’t tolerate harathment. I will kill them.”

“Oookay,” I reassured him. “I’ll keep my eye on them.”

“Thank you. I mutht get back to work. Have a lovely evening, Athrid.”

“Did he just say his girlfriend had a beard and mustache?” Ethan asked as we watched Carl slip back into the crowd.

“Yep.”

“We need to go home.”

“I couldn’t agree more. How do my boobs look?”

“Edible, why?” he asked.

“Because if I can’t have a sword I need some kind of weapon.”

His mouth gaped open and his eyes blazed green in anger. “I am holding my shit together for the moment, but I need to understand what you just said. Tell me that you did not just ask a Master Vampyre, not to mention your mate, if your boobs would be a good weapon to use on other men in this room.”

“Actually I did.”

“Astrid, the temptation to put you across my knee and spank you and then fuck you so you won’t be able to notice another man for the rest of your unnaturally long life is so very tempting at the moment. It will take everything I own not to do just that,” he snapped.

“That sounds awesome,” I said honestly. He closed his eyes and let his head fall back on his shoulders. “But we have a Sword to find and I need to figure some shit out. So, if my boobs will distract… I will use them.”

“Shall I pull my dick out?” he asked sarcastically.

“Not yet.” I winked and left him standing there in shock.

Cole was surrounded by Guards, but he stood to the outside of the circle and watched the room. He was as stupidly beautiful as the rest of the Demons in Hell, but there was something harder about this particular man. As a Guard, I wondered if he was permitted to use his magic to kill. I assumed so or he would be fairly worthless to Satan.

“Hi, Cole,” I said and extended my hand in greeting.

He nodded his head curtly and ignored my outstretched hand. What in the hell did Demons have against polite greetings? Was it because I had Vampyre cooties? I let it fall back to my side, but kept my smile firmly on my face.

“Miss Porter, it is good to see you this evening,” he said, barely giving me a glance as he continued to scan the room.

“Call me Astrid,” I said. “Are you armed?”

“I’m sorry, what?” Now I had his attention.

“I asked if you were armed. As a Guard I wondered if the rules were different.”

He considered me for a long moment. “No. I don’t need weapons to protect my Savior. Are you?”

Oookay, he gave me the creeps, but that didn’t mean he was guilty. “Nope, just my fangs.” I grinned and gave him a quick peek. He wasn’t impressed.

We stood in awkward silence and his eyes drifted back to Satan and Amanda.

“She’s lovely,” I said, hoping he’d let loose and dish on Amanda.

“I have no clue who you mean,” he said in a flat voice that made it clear I was annoying him—so much for my boobies.

“Amanda. She’s something else.”

He glanced over at them and his eyes narrowed slightly. “Yes. She is.” Turning back to me, he gave me another curt nod. “Please accept my condolences about your father. He was a misunderstood man. I must get back to work. Good evening… Astrid.”

My mouth gaped open and words got lodged in my throat. What in Satan’s name did he mean that my father was misunderstood? I was fairly sure he was not misunderstood at all. He was a psychotic loose cannon in Hell and everyone I’d come across thus far, including his mother, was pleased to hear of his demise. Cole was a weird one. It was also odd that Satan hadn’t asked him to find the damn Sword. Did that mean my uncle didn’t trust his second? This was a fucking mess.

“Did the boobs work?” Ethan asked, knowing full well they hadn’t helped a bit. His supersonic hearing would have clued him into the failed conversation.

“My boobs were fabu.” I smiled sweetly. “I think he’s gay.”

Ethan’s laughter followed me as I made my way toward my cousins… and Dante?

What was Dante still doing in Hell and why was he with the Sins?

“All three of you have the same Offensive Leprechaun name because you’re triplets,” Envy informed Gluttony, Pride and Sloth as she scrolled Facebook on her phone. “You’re Sharty O’Legspreader.”

“That’s absolutely foul,” Pride sniffed. “I don’t like that one.”

“I do,” Sloth laughed and ruffled her sister’s perfect hair. “It’s also accurate where you’re concerned.”

“Can it, bitch,” Pride said as she scooted away from her sloppy triplet.

The Sins stood in a group isolated from the rest of the dinner guests. They looked like high fashion models with a bad attitude. I didn’t blame people for avoiding them. If I had a choice I would do the same, but I didn’t have one. I had a freakin’ job and I was beginning to think the pay dirt might be one of the nut-jobs in front of me.

“Astrid,” Wrath cooed. “Divine as usual.” She leaned in for an inappropriate lip lock, but I was saved by Dante of all people.

“What is this Facebook you speak so highly of?” he demanded of Wrath before she was able to make the cousin love connection. She rolled her eyes in disgust and pointed at Envy.

“Ask her.”

“What is your last name, Dante?” Envy asked. Her eyes sparkled with mischief. “And your birthdate. The day, not the year.”

“Alighieri,” he spat, completely insulted that she didn’t know. “And my birth date is September fourteenth.”

“Envy, don’t,” Greed warned as she sidled up to Dante and wrapped her arms around him. Well, now I knew why he was here. I’d called it correctly at the poker game. I wasn’t quite sure what she saw in him. He was substantially shorter and his attitude sucked, but who was I to judge true love or a meaningless hook up?

“Dante,” Envy purred, ignoring her sister’s warning. “Your Leprechaun name is Slutty McKnobhobber Douchebag McShitsucker.”

The entire group went silent as a highly unattractive purple suffused Dante’s face. “I take extreme offense at that dreck. That is ungainly for a woman to use that kind of vulgar language and I shall not partake in this conversation.” He put his rather large nose in the air and walked off in a huff.

“Holy hell,” I gasped and sucked back my laughter. “Did it actually say that?”

“I embellished just a tiny bit.” Envy giggled and tossed her long shiny locks over her shoulder.

“What exactly do you see in him?” Wrath asked Greed.

“Did you see the size of his nose?” She grinned suggestively.

“You’ve tapped that?” Envy asked, wrinkling her pert nose in disgust.

“No,” Greed said. “But after tonight I will. Excuse me.” She rushed off after the very disgruntled Dante.

In front of me stood Wrath, Gluttony, Pride, Sloth, Greed, Envy, but no Lust. I scanned the room for Ethan to make sure Lust wasn’t stupid enough to try anything else. Ethan had joined a conversation with Cole and the Guards. Smart man. Boobs didn’t work, but testosterone might.

“Who you looking for?” Wrath asked with a knowing grin.

“Santa Claus.”

“Interesting. I think he’s in Purgatory—with Lust.”

I froze and stared at her for a moment to see if she was telling the truth. She was. My body relaxed. I hadn’t realized how tense I was about bumping into Lust after what she’d heard. At least now I didn’t have to. My guess would be that Satan didn’t think she had the Sword or she would be here. I did need to have a little chat with my uncle, but that was going to be difficult. Shit.

“Dinner is therved,” Carl called from the middle of the room. He was flanked by Janet on his right and Myrtle on his left. Myrtle gave me a covert thumbs up and I shot her one back.

“Take your seats, my friends and family. The show is about to begin,” Satan bellowed joyously.

Lights. Camera. Action.

Chapter Twenty-Five

Thankfully I was seated next to Ethan. The gorgeously laid out main table was for family and close friends. Several other tables, equally as lovely, were specifically for the Guards and their wives or significant others. The main table held Satan at one end and Wrath at the other. I assumed if he took Amanda as a mate that might be her spot. Amanda sat to the Devil’s left and Cole to his right. Seated next to Amanda was Envy, then Greed, Dante, and Gluttony. On our side after Cole was Sloth then Ethan, myself, Dixie and Pride. That put me directly across from the delightful Dante. Nice. One chair sat empty down at Wrath’s end. I assumed that one would have belonged to Lust.

The room seated probably forty or so and was now lit completely by candlelight. Janet turned out the electric lights as we were seated and Satan clapped his hands twice. A rush of magic that tickled my tummy blew through the room and hundreds of candles illuminated. The crowd applauded enthusiastically. It was beautiful. The crystal and heavy silver literally sparkled. The sheer amount of firepower in the room was a tad nervewracking, but the effect was stunning.

I tried to make eye contact with Amanda several times, but she avoided me like the plague. I suppose the whole lip popping incident had scarred her. Who knew?

“Ethan, did you learn anything from Cole?” I asked silently as I passed the basket of rolls that was making its way around the table. I wanted one badly, but knew that gagging at a formal dinner party would be considered bad form.

“Not much, but he seems to have a healthy obsession with Amanda,” he replied.

“Really? I thought he didn’t trust her.” I glanced down at Cole and Amanda, but they weren’t even looking at each other.

“I’m sure he doesn’t, but it might go a bit deeper than that.” He smiled and raised his glass. “Astrid, pay attention. There’s a toast.”

“Whoops,” I raised my glass, then put it to my lips. There was no way in hell I was going to drink anything, but I wanted to fit in. Much to my great surprise it was blood. WTF? I glanced up in surprise and caught Satan’s eye. He winked and I laughed, almost spilling my treat.

The dinner, which I didn’t touch, smelled heavenly. Wine and conversation flowed freely and the atmosphere was light. However, as the meal wound down something changed. I felt a chill. A dark magic unfurled and wafted through the room. My hands felt clammy and my chest constricted painfully. What was it? Who was it? The desire to get up and move was strong. The magic was dissipated and not coming from any one direction. I glanced over at Satan, who seemed oblivious. Running around the room might appear odd, even for the Vampyre guest, so I stayed seated.

“Do you feel that?” I asked Ethan.

“Feel what?”

“Dark icky Demon voodoo.”

“Did you say Demon doodoo?”

“Oh my God, no. Why would I say dark icky Demon doodoo?”

“You tell me.”

“I said voodoo. Not doodoo,” I snapped so loudly, his hand went his forehead and he winced.

“Sorry, I’ll keep my thought volume lower,” I muttered. “But do you feel it?”

“No, I don’t.” He closed his eyes and focused. “I feel nothing.”

The pressure on my chest eased, but the eerie presence remained. No one noticed, or if they did they showed no sign. Unable to hone in, I figured I’d continue to play Sherlock Holmes and delve back into the non-magic intel.

“Why does Wrath sit there?” I asked Dixie.

“She will become the leader of Hell when Daddy decides to retire or whatever,” she said quietly.

“What if Big Lips has a boy? Does that fuck up the line?”

“As far as I know it would, but I don’t think the baby is his. Amanda gets around—at least she did before she dug her claws into Daddy.”

“Does Wrath think the baby is your dad’s?”

“Nope, she’s positive that Amanda will be in deep shit—her words, not mine—after she gives birth.”

I was so happy I wouldn’t be here for that shit show.

“Who’s behind Wrath in line for the throne?”

“Envy. then Greed, then Lust, then the triplets, then me,” she said.

I stored the information away and eyed the desserts that were coming out to the table. Shitshitshit. Black raspberry chip ice cream? Was someone screwing with me? That was my favorite and I almost threw a tantrum.

“You can do this,” Ethan said, holding me back from the ice cream.

“I just want to sob,” I whispered. “What the hell is wrong with me?”

“You’re having our baby and he apparently wants ice cream.” He smiled and squeezed my hand.

“I guess so,” I pouted.

“I told you I’d give you what you want if you give me what I want,” Dante hissed under his breath to Greed. He clearly didn’t know about super duper immortal hearing skills. Although no one else seemed to be listening.

“Dante,” she purred. “You get yours after I get mine.”

Um, gross. I did not want to hear them discuss the arrangements or, God forbid, details of their rendezvous. Trying to tune them out, I refocused on the desserts I couldn’t eat. Note to self… no more dinner parties while pregnant.

“I just want it. Now,” he insisted. “If you don’t give it to me my way then you’ll get nothing.”

Now, unfortunately, he had my full attention. I was about to throw up in my mouth and I didn’t need the ice cream to help me. I had no clue what she saw in him. He was a douche.

“You are more trouble than you’re worth,” she snapped and turned to chat with her sister Envy, leaving the asshole with no one. Gluttony had turned her back to him at the beginning of the meal.

“So, Dante my man,” Satan bellowed. “Are you here taking poker lessons or trying to find out if I’ve hidden some levels from you?” The crowd tittered and Dante fumed.

“I’m still here trying to figure out how to be a cheating, conniving, soulless bastard like you,” he shot back and the room went silent.

After an uncomfortably long pause, the Devil threw his head back and laughed. The other Demons followed suit much to the great relief of Greed, who shot eye daggers at Dante.

“Those are some rather harsh words for someone trying to get into my daughter’s pants,” Satan added as the laughter died down.

“Daddy,” Greed gasped.

“Yes, well… my apologies,” Dante muttered insincerely. “Greed, a word?” he stood and pulled her chair out for her. The crowd stood and began to mill about as after dinner aperitifs were passed around.

“Something is off,” I muttered and realized I was talking to myself.

Ethan had been drawn into an animated conversation with the Devil and the Seven Deadly Sins were chatting it up with Amanda the pregnant consort. No one back at home was going to believe any of this. I had a difficult time absorbing it. I watched as Dante roughly led Greed from the room and the voodoo stopped. The dark magic left the room with them. Bingo. It could not be this easy.

I quickly made my way out of the dining room. I caught Dixie’s eye right as I reached the door. She arched an eyebrow in question, but I simply smiled and waved.

The hallway was dark. Thank God for Vamp vision.

I heard them from a distance and I made my way toward the sound. The hallway was thickly carpeted and I was able to move silently. Their voices were raised, but where was the magic? It had disappeared. Crap. It sounded like they were fussing at each other or someone was injured—it sounded horrific. Would they lead me to the Sword? Could I go home tonight? I was curious to meet God, but I wanted to get out of Hell even worse. Could it really be so simple?

No. Of course fucking not.

I picked up my pace and rounded the corner. If Dante had hurt Greed he was toast. I liked her and I… Oh. My. Hell. My first thought was that I would have to bleach my eyes… Dante’s pants were at his ankles and Greed was on her knees in front of him. The slurping and moaning set my gag reflex in motion.

“Oh shit,” I gasped. Dante’s ass was nice, but extremely white. The entire situation was mortifying and would stay with me for centuries.

They turned and stared. Greed’s expression was one of shock and Dante’s was pissed.

“I am so sorry,” I mumbled backing away. Dante had slapped his hands over his eyes and swore in what sounded like Italian. Greed pointed to Dante’s rather oversized manhood and gave me the thumbs up. I weakly returned the gesture and turned to go.

“Would you like to join us?” Greed called out as I hauled ass back to the dining room.

“Um… no, I’m good,” I choked out. “But thanks.”

“Maybe another time,” she yelled as I picked up my pace to a sprint. I needed to go home. Immediately.

No Sword. No magic. Only eternal memories of my cousin giving a douchewanker a blow job in Hell. And now I was lost. How did I get lost? Granted, the Dark Palace was huge, but this was fucking ridiculous. I hadn’t followed Greed and her boy toy very far and I was sure I went back the same way. Maybe in my haste to get away, I’d overshot the door.

A violent jolt of hazy black magic made me freeze. It carried the same signature as the magic I’d felt at dinner. It hadn’t left the room with Greed. It had stopped and made me think it had been Greed. The owner of the magic had wanted me gone. Shit. Something was going down in the dining room and I couldn’t find it.

When conventional means fail use magic. A shit ton of it. I lifted my hand and flicked my fingers and a glittery breeze engulfed me. It was warm and familiar. A giggle escaped my lips and I flicked my fingers three more times. Glitter spun wildly around me. The temptation to bask in the beautiful peach and rose colored magic was tempting, but I had places to be and Demon ass to kick. I just didn’t know which Demon. No time like the present to find out. With one more flick, I transported back to the dining room.

Chapter Twenty-Six

Welcome to Hell.

The dining room looked like the aftermath of a hurricane. Everything was still in motion so it was problematic getting my bearings. Violent winds swept the room. Debris and Demons were flying. Muffled screams and grunts assaulted my ears. The dust and glitter made seeing almost impossible, but there was a wall—a clear crystal wall. It stretched from one end of the room to the other and literally oozed magic. Iridescent goop dripped down the smooth facade, slightly blurring what lay beyond. The Guards and guests were on the opposite side from where I stood. Small fires from the candles burned and licked up the curtains and smoldered in the carpets. The Demons clutched at the walls to keep from being blown around and burned to death. The storm was far more violent on their side. The only immortals left standing were Satan, Ethan and Dixie. I tried to communicate with Ethan, but the wall blocked my magic. Whoever erected this sucker had some major mojo going on… The fury on the Devil’s face at being helpless was like nothing I’d ever seen—beautiful, raw and horrifying.

What was happening? And why was I on the side where nothing was exploding?

“I should have given you more credit,” a disembodied female voice hissed. I shuddered involuntarily at the malice in the voice. “I didn’t think you’d make it back for the show.”

Wrath? I whirled around and backed away. She was magnificent. Swirling gold and amber tattoos covered her pale skin and morphed from shape to shape. Her blonde hair flew wildly on her head and her gown billowed around her. She embodied her name.

In one hand she held Amanda. The consort was bloody and beaten and trembled with fear. In the other she held the Sword. Fucking awesome.

“You do that, you’re gonna die,” I said calmly, even though my insides roiled. She was strong and by the looks of it, insane.

“My father will never kill me. And you can’t.” She laughed manically and eased the Sword closer to Amanda’s neck. “Only one prick—one touch of the blade and any immortal dies,” she whispered as Amanda whimpered. “Just one and the whore dies.”

Get her monologuing… bad guys love to tell you how bad they are. A few minutes—even seconds would give me time to think. Wrath had humongous balls to think she could get away with this. Everybody who was anybody in Hell had front fucking row seats. I refused to turn and look. One, I didn’t want to see the worry on Ethan’s face and two, I wasn’t about to take my eyes off Psycho Cousin. Unsure if she’d actually kill Amanda, I was fully aware I could kill her even if she wasn’t. I fingered the stone at my neck, she was meant to rule… I didn’t want to use it and hoped she wouldn’t make me.

“But the baby’s not his,” I pointed out hoping she’d forgotten that possibility.

“Probably not,” she agreed and tightened her grip on Amanda’s hair. “This is precautionary. A just in case.”

The tattoos shimmered as her crazy increased. The glare off her skin intensified. I squinted and kept my eyes on her face.

“So, how’s this gonna work?” I asked.

Wrath rolled her eyes and blew out an exasperated breath. “As attractive as I find you, Astrid, your stupidity is beginning to bore me. I am over a thousand years old, and some little hussy will not blow out a boy and take my birthright. It’s quite simple. She dies and her child dies with her. Daddy won’t retire for hundreds of years and I’ll be forgiven by then. Done. Get it?”

“Why the Sword? Why don’t you just kill her with magic or your hands?” Amanda moaned with despair.

“Nice of you to notice. I wanted to show all the Demons in Hell how magnificent I was and thought it would be a fun touch.”

Deranged didn’t even begin to describe her…

“Demons aren’t allowed to kill,” I reminded her.

“You bought that bullshit?” She cackled and my anger rose. “Of course we can kill. True Immortals are allowed to kill. Did Daddy leave that out of your lessons? Satan has blood on his hands,” she snapped. “Why do you think he’s in Hell?”

That was a surprise, but her logic was faulty. “You’re not a True Immortal.”

“Not yet, but there are three more unknowns and I plan to be one of them.”

“I’m pretty sure that’s not how it works, cousin, but good luck with that. Now, I’m going to ask nicely, mostly because I like my dress and getting into it with you might fuck it up… drop the Sword and let Amanda go.”

“Who do you think you are?” she screamed. “You are nothing. A Vampyre hybrid—a wannabe Demon. I am Wrath and I can destroy you.”

“Blah blah blah,” I muttered. Her eyes widened in shock and I bit back my inappropriate laughter.

“What did you say?” she ground out between clenched teeth.

“I said blah. Blah. Blah.” I smiled and watched her unravel.

“You,” she hissed and dropped Amanda to the floor. Turning quickly she shot a spell at her. Amanda froze in a grimace of pain so awful, I felt myself viscerally react. I didn’t like her, but she was pregnant and for the most part innocent. Being a bitch was not a crime to die for. This was not gonna happen on my clock. She and her unborn child didn’t deserve death at Wrath’s hand.

“You are scum,” she spat at me. “You come from scum.” Her hair whipped with wild abandon around her face and the tattoos raced even faster on her skin. The effect was dizzying. “Your mother was a whore. A greedy whore who traded her soul for power. That certainly ended up working out well for her, didn’t it? She’s looking a little worse for wear down there in the Basement. I do find it sweet that you still want her love.” Her laugh made my teeth grind. My fangs descended and I knew my eyes glowed green with rage.

An acid-like burning started low in my gut and raced through my veins like fire. I sucked in a painful breath and finally accepted the darkness I’d avoided. It was liberating and frightening. I had no time to wonder if I was making a fundamental change in my chemistry. Honestly, it no longer mattered. I was what I was.

I eyed the lunatic Sword brandishing woman in front of me with rage. Wrath had been correct about my mother, but she was also deadly wrong. Yes, my mother’s choices had been motivated by greed, but she’d been a mere child when my father got to her. Her free will had been destroyed by methodical abuse over lifetimes.

My body jerked forward as my Vampyre tried to reject what was happening to me, but I pushed her down. My hatred was consuming me and I let it.

“And your father,” she hissed. “He was an imbecile. A stupid, stupid nothing. What could we possibly expect from you? You come from shit.”

The blood roaring in my ears blocked all sound. Her lips moved, but I no longer had any desire to hear what she said.

It wasn’t slow and it wasn’t gentle. I called for the darkness and it came. I had control. I briefly closed my eyes and let the magic consume me. It was no longer just gloves. It was me—all of me. My skin was covered in a fine black glitter. I sparkled and vibrated with power from head to toe. Wrath’s eyes rounded in fear and she took a step back. She was no longer the big, strong, evil bad guy… I was.

“What are you?” She pointed the Sword at me and took yet another step back.

“I’m the nothing that’s going to take your Demon ass out.”

Her scream was reminiscent of a battle cry and she came at me with a vengeance. It was too quick to call a spell and my body went into action like it had been trained to do. With Vampyre speed and Demon aggression, I back flipped out of her line of fire. As she turned, I cartwheeled and caught her by the neck in a scissor hold and knocked her to the ground. Her shock at my skill was all the time I needed. Her body hit the floor with a sickening thud and I rolled away as she shot a blast of lava hot voodoo at me.

She was back up and she was pissed, but I was done. Totally done. No more roughhousing. I had a baby to think about. I chanted as her eyes grew wide again. I pointed at her and she roared before my power even touched her. As if in slow motion, I watched a shower of black and crystal white magic flow into her. She dropped the Sword and fell to the ground. Her body convulsed and fluid began to gush from her nose and mouth. She was dying and I watched her dispassionately. I was happy.

Glancing up, I locked eyes with a horrified Amanda and I was jerked back into me. The real me. What the hell was I doing? I pulled back on the magic and Wrath’s breathing resumed—erratically, but it resumed. The relief that I hadn’t killed her was staggering. Would I have done it if I hadn’t made contact with Amanda? Did it matter? I had made contact with Amanda and I stopped. Everything happens for a reason. Amanda was here to stop me and I was here to save her.

“Kill me,” Wrath choked out. “Finish it.”

“No,” I said as I picked up the Sword.

“I will have nothing—no respect. They will laugh at me. I will have nothing.” She sobbed at my feet and I gave her a smile that came nowhere near reaching my eyes.

“We can start a club. The Nothing Club. I’ll be the president and you can be the treasurer. It will be fun.” I raised my hands in the air and knocked down the wall dividing the room. Demons raced forward and threw what I assumed were magic blocking chains and ropes on Wrath. Satan went to Amanda and held her lovingly in his arms. I couldn’t make out what he whispered to her, but she gave him a weak smile.

“Cole, take Amanda to my suites and have the women attend to her,” he barked.

“Yes, my liege.” Cole picked up a damaged but alive Amanda and took her away.

“Wait,” she said as they passed me. “I don’t know what you are… but thank you.”

I nodded and felt strong arms embrace me from behind. “I could kill you,” he whispered.

“Yep,” I said as I leaned back into him. “I figured. Am I still all black and sparkly?”

“You are.”

“Does that bother you?” I asked. My stomach knotted as I waited for his response.

“I actually think it’s kind of hot,” he whispered in my ear. Little chills ran down my spine and tears of relief pooled in my eyes.

Satan paced the floor in front of the disgraced Wrath and the crowd held its breath. The other Sins stood off to the side and watched with morbid excitement. All of them had enjoyed the show except Dixie. She stood away from them and trembled with fury.

“Things like this make me wish I’d had a vasectomy,” Satan bellowed. “This is embarrassing and unacceptable.” He turned to me and his gaze narrowed. “Why did you stop? Why didn’t you kill her?” he demanded. An anguished cry ripped from Wrath’s throat, but I had no sympathy left for her. She already received my mercy and I wasn’t about to kowtow to the Devil. I was pissed at all of them.

“She didn’t deserve it. She didn’t kill anyone. And I’m not the judge of those who should die.” I picked up the Sword and handed it to him. “Here’s your damn Sword. I want to go home.”

He turned so quickly I wasn’t sure I was seeing things correctly. He touched blade to Wrath’s skin and slit a small wound. The gasps and cries from the Sins made my blood chill. Why would he do that?

“It’s a fake,” he said and dropped it to the ground.

It took a minute for me to find my voice. “Did you know that?” I yelled. “Or was that a test?”

He smiled his beautiful smile and shrugged. Was he for freakin’ real?

“We have a deal. That sword was a fake. You will leave when your job has been completed.”

Chapter Twenty-Seven

We were stuck. No one from the dinner party was leaving the Dark Palace until after God’s visit. Most of the Demons had no clue why we were quarantined, but I knew. The Sword—the stupid Sword of Death. Satan was sure it was in the palace and he was taking no chances. The majority of Demons still believed the Sword to be a myth. As they grumbled and made their way unwillingly to their guestrooms they made that fact abundantly clear.

“I can sense it’s here,” Satan said as he paced the destroyed dining room and assessed the damage.

“Can you sense that I’m totally over this?” I muttered and pressed my fingers to the bridge of my nose only to realize my sparkly skin had reverted back to normal pale Vampyre chic.

My uncle threw back his head and laughed. “Thank you. I needed that.”

“I wasn’t exactly joking,” I huffed.

He bent down and picked up a shard of glass that was at one point an exquisite crystal vase. He expelled a sigh and shook his head. “I’ve spoiled them rotten,” he mumbled. “It’s time for me to retire for the evening. I’m sure you’ll find your accommodations satisfactory.”

“Why me?”

“Pardon?”

“Why me? Why not have Cole or the Guards find the Sword?”

He played with the fragment of crystal in his hand. It caught the light from a chandelier that had miraculously weathered the storm and cast brilliant dots of color on the wall. “Because you’re blood. I don’t trust anyone but blood at this point. Besides, most of them don’t believe the Sword exists.”

“Does it?” I asked.

“Does it what?”

“Does the Sword really exist?”

He took my face in his hands and I leaned in, mesmerized by him. Ethan stiffened beside me but stayed quiet. “Indeed it does and if it’s not found… ”

“I know,” I said.

His hand dropped down to my stomach and he gently placed it on my slightly rounded belly. “If the Sword is not found it will put the life of this child in peril.”

“That sounds like a threat,” Ethan said softly with an edge that made me uneasy. Neither one of us stood a chance against the Devil—at least I didn’t think we did.

“Not a threat. It simply is. The child you carry is special.”

“And by that you would mean?” I asked.

“Exactly what I said.”

Son of a bitch, my child was special enough with his Vampyre-Demon heritage. He did not need any more special.

His hands left my body and I felt strangely bereft—sad. He was a link to my father no matter how I felt about my parentage. I wanted him to want me like a daughter. Wait. WTF? I wanted the Devil to be my daddy? Heaven and Hell help me… I needed some therapy.

My uncle considered me for a moment and I wondered if he knew what I’d been thinking. “I find it interesting you didn’t kill her when you have the power to do so.”

“A killing machine with compassion is always such a big hit at parties,” I quipped. I didn’t want him to know that I might have destroyed her if it hadn’t been for Puffy Lips. I didn’t want to deal with that fact about myself yet.

“Ah yes, compassion… that pesky little habit.” He smiled and then turned to go.

“Will what she did affect her claim to the throne?” I asked.

He paused and turned back. “No. Her behavior tonight will have no bearing on whether or not she succeeds me.”

“Will having a son affect it?”

“Possibly.” He nodded. “But probably not. In the end–and mind you, the end is many thousands of years away—it will not be up to me who shall succeed me.”

“Who will choose?” He was a ball of cryptic and I expected no answer.

“You, Astrid. You will choose.”

With that, he disappeared in a cloud of black glitter and smoke. I fell back into Ethan’s arms and sucked in a huge breath.

“I didn’t want to know that,” I whispered and bent over at the waist so I didn’t hyperventilate. “I’m going to stop asking questions.”

“Quite honestly,” Ethan replied, as shocked as I was. “I think that’s a fine idea.”

* * *

I was right back where I started when I arrived in Hell. The same room with the same predictably cheesy black silk sheets—only this time I knew exactly where I was, the walls were silent and I was with the man I loved.

“Ethan I… ”

“Astrid, stop. The answer is I don’t know. The only good thing to come out of that conversation is the very likely fact that you will be around thousands of years from now. Everything else was alarming to put it mildly.”

“I don’t want that job,” I whispered as I tried to pull the thigh high boots off my tired legs.

“Let me help,” he said and unzipped my dress.

“What about my boots?” I whined as he slipped my dress over my head and tossed it on the floor.

“You’re going to leave those on.”

“I am?”

“You are.”

Tilting my head to the side and batting my lashes, I feigned a huge yawn. “It will be awfully uncomfortable sleeping in stiletto boots.”

“You won’t be sleeping,” he said and removed his coat and dress shirt. Ignoring me, he stripped off the rest of his clothing. My mouth went dry and my lady parts began to sing. The hard planes and edges of his body made me dizzy. A crooked half grin pulled at his lips. My breath caught in my throat and I grabbed the bedpost for balance. I smiled and began to back away from him. “You’re playing a dangerous game, Angel. A game you won’t win.”

“Who says I want to win?” I continued to move farther away and he continued to stalk me. I was in danger of my knees buckling from sheer excitement and the look in his eyes. His erection lay flat on his stomach and his body was a perfect male sculpture come to life. He was the predator and I was his prey. A shimmer of panic and lust settled in my loins and I wet my lips with my tongue. His eyes darted to the movement and I realized the predator could be distracted…

Putting more distance between us, I ran my hands over my breasts and pinched my achingly hard nipples. My breasts had become tender with pregnancy and even more sensitive to touch. I hissed out a sound of pleasure and watched his eyes dilate and burn a beautiful green. He was no longer playing a game… it had turned serious. I stared at the lines of his sleek naked body and my heart bounced around in my chest. His muscled torso and biceps were the things dreams were made of. Someone as beautiful as he was should not exist.

He’d backed me into a corner, but that was as much my plan as his. I pressed my back to the cool wall and waited. I wanted him to take me and make me forget where I was, what I had to do and who I was supposed to be. I closed my eyes and inhaled his scent.

The feathering of light kisses across my belly startled me. I opened my eyes to find him on his knees worshiping the tiny bulge of my belly. His lips were warm and gentle and my throat constricted with emotion. Neither one of us had truly had time to bask in the miracle we had created. My eyes pooled with tears and I realized I was no less aroused, but I was far more deeply affected than I ever had been.

“Come with me.” He took my hand and led me to the bed. I suddenly felt shy. Without a word he slid the boots down my legs and they dropped to the floor by my dress. His lips and teeth tickled my ankles and his hands massaged each part of my body till we were face to face. With his tongue, he teased the seam of my lips and I opened to him willingly. His taste was addictive and his large body covering mine made me feel safe.

He ran his open mouth along my jaw to my ear and I gasped in delight as his fang pierced the lobe. “You are my miracle,” he whispered. “I have waited my entire lifetime for you.”

His voice rumbled in my mind, sending little shockwaves of the purest pleasure I’d known. Wrapping my arms around him, I held tight to his body. The pressure in my chest verged on pain and I buried my face in his neck.

“What’s wrong, my love?” he asked as he took my face in his hands and searched my eyes.

The simplicity of the moment was harder to deal with than if we’d been wildly out of control and all over each other. I had never been loved like this—so completely. Never been loved by someone who knew my weaknesses and didn’t care. Someone whose strength matched my own and someone whose wisdom should have found me lacking, but didn’t.

I traced his lips, nose and high sculpted cheekbones with my finger and I was free. I didn’t need the love of a mother or a father. The love of a child would only be an added bonus to the overwhelming feelings I had for the man who lay atop me.

He shifted his weight to his elbows, but still covered me like a blanket. With his lips, he followed my tears from my eyes to my jawbone to my neck. My insides weren’t big enough to contain everything I was feeling and I thought I might explode.

“Ethan, I… ” Words were inadequate. I wrapped my legs around his waist and arched to meet him. I needed to show him with my body things that words simply couldn’t convey.

As his body joined with mine, I gasped and cried out. The slow pace was more erotic and frightening than the wild coupling we were more accustomed to. Our eyes locked and our bodies moved in a rhythm that was age old but perfectly new. My body contracted and tightened around his. We merged and became one sexual and spiritual entity. Two bodies—one heart.

“I can’t get close enough,” I murmured as the pace of our lovemaking increased. The intensity burned and my legs clamped tighter around him as my fingers tangled in his hair.

“Don’t close your eyes,” he whispered. “Watch what you do to me. Watch what I feel for you.”

My tears made him blurry, but the magnitude of what he felt could be seen without vision. It was in his magic, in the strength of his possession—in his essence.

We surged closer to crawling inside of each other than we ever had. He put his weight on one hand and skimmed my face, my breasts and hip with his other. He slid in and out and I raised my hips to meet his thrusts as the pressure built. His mouth came down on mine, hard and possessive. I bit at his lips as his body grew larger within me. The slow gentle lovemaking was over, but the ferociousness of our love and desire remained.

His inhuman beauty and strength sent my core into liquid meltdown and I writhed beneath him, unable to think or hold any part of myself back. His eyes never left mine and I struggled to keep mine open. The vulnerability was terrifying and raw. My insides danced and contracted around his girth and the sounds he made went straight to my most engorged and sensitive spots, unleashing a wild woman inside me that I gave to him freely—willingly and with every inch of my being.

I screamed as the orgasm hit. My eyes stayed open and I watch the explosion of pleasure rip across his beautiful features. With his fangs bared and his eyes hooded he came as hard as I did. I was more frightened and more satisfied that I’d even known I could be. The aftershocks of my climax continued to wrack my body as his mouth descended to my neck. My exhausted body reawoke as his fangs grazed the soft skin. The aftershocks turned into the feeling of a massive orgasm about to burst.

“I’m not sure I can… ”

“You can,” he muttered into my neck gruffly. “You will. I will take you there.”

He grew rigid inside me and all of my nerve endings jumped to attention with need. My fangs dropped and we bit each other at the same time. I was sure this would end me. The sheer passion that tore through me was more extreme and acute than I’d experienced. Colors ripped across my vision and I cried out against his neck. The frenzied exchange of blood, lust and pure love sent me to heights that would have destroyed a mortal.

As I floated down I heard his chuckle of pure masculine satisfaction and it made me smile.

I was so fucking glad I was already dead… because that would have killed me for sure.

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Holy shit, Carl had the hairiest back I’d ever seen.

“It looks like a fur rug,” I whispered to Ethan.

“I’d have to agree,” he muttered as he led us to seats beside the mats.

The fight exhibition was in full swing before we’d arrived. Our tardiness was due to a quickie meeting with the General who promised to get my Baby Demons and bring them back to the palace. I was concerned about them… actually that was inaccurate. I was more concerned for the Demons they might come across. I had no desire to be prosecuted because they munched on the wrong person.

The fight training room was impressive, although seriously over the top. I should have expected no less, but the gross show of wealth constantly surprised me. Padded bleachers with backrests lined both sides of the huge room. Padding was an understatement—the seats were covered in buttery-soft caramel leather. And from the thirty foot ceiling hung four exquisite crystal drop chandeliers.

Satan had yet to arrive, but the demonstrations had already begun. Carl’s preparation for the next fight was doing his left and right leg splits… Janet and Myrtle stood by him and growled at anyone who dared to poke fun at Carl’s unusual warm up. He wore a tight, fitted yellow wrestling suit that should have been burned in the eighties and, of course, the hair blanket on his back.

I poked Ethan. “I’ve never seen anything like that.”

“He seems to be fine with himself,” Ethan observed. “If he’s smart he’ll use it to his advantage.”

“How in the world can a hairy back be an advantage?” I asked as I wracked my brain.

“Well, he could wear a cape and then reveal it at the last second, alarming his opponent and getting the upper hand. Or he could slick it back with a conditioner or gel so it would be impossible to take him from behind due to the slippage factor.”

“That’s either brilliant or just really weird,” I muttered, trying to figure out if he was screwing with me. I looked around the room and got a wonky feeling. “Ethan… um, I think we were set up.”

“I quite agree.”

Everyone in the room was dressed casually, but not us. We were dressed in the workout clothing that had been delivered to our suite by a very timid Demon named Norm. Did my uncle expect us to fight? He was in for a surprise. I had no desire to fight unless it was life or death. Fighting for fun was not on my agenda today.

“Do you feel something odd?” I couldn’t put my finger on it, but something was off.

“A dampening spell,” he replied as he scanned the crowd. “Satan meant business when he said this would be hand to hand. The dampening spell prohibits magic.”

“Oookay, that could be a clusterfuck if something hellish goes down.”

“True. The Guards are the only others dressed as we are.” He nodded in the direction of a group conversing quietly. Cole, standing in the middle, sported the same type of garb that we did—loose fitting black pants and tight black t-shirt.

“The Devil is always up to no good,” I said. Ethan just grinned and shrugged.

“All rise for Satan,” someone in the crowd yelled as Lucifer made his usual movie star worthy entrance.

“Good afternoon, my people!” He was dressed similarly to us and my stomach fell to my toes. Did he plan to fight today? Shitballs. “I see we’ve started, but I do believe I’m just in time for Carl and Moby.”

The crowd went wild and Satan took his seat next to Amanda. The Sins, along with Dixie and Dante, were right behind him but Lust and Wrath were missing.

“What do you suppose he did with Wrath?” I asked Ethan.

“She’s in Purgatory,” a large male Demon behind me whispered with delight. “She’ll be there for years.” His grin made my skin crawl a little, but I was glad to hear she wouldn’t be showing up any time soon. I nodded and gave him a polite smile. Everyone took way too much interest in others’ pain and suffering here, but what did I expect? It was how they thrived.

The crowd was larger than the dinner party last night and I wondered if Satan had added more suspects or if these Demons might be staff. I shook my head and worried about how this would all play out.

“Begin,” the Devil bellowed.

Carl, of the hairiest back I’d ever seen, and Moby, a sullen looking Demon, took the mat as Journey’s Wheel in the Sky blasted from speakers around the room. I suppose it was in preparation for tonight’s concert… The fighters bowed to Satan and proceeded to beat the living shit out of each other. What they lacked in finesse, they made up for in grunts and sweat.

“What the hell?” I mumbled, watching a bloody comedy of errors unfold before my eyes.

The mild mannered Carl I knew had disappeared and an out of control violent wooly monster had taken his place. Moby didn’t stand a chance. Janet and Myrtle jumped and cheered on the sidelines as Carl literally wiped the floor with Moby. Literally. The crowd roared their approval. I felt a little sick, but I was happy Moby wasn’t wiping the floor with Carl.

A bell chimed and the fight stopped. Carl stood victorious in the center of the mat. He slowly slid into the splits with his arms raised above his head. Rolling out of the splits he hopped up, ran to the barely conscious Moby and picked him up. Cradling him in his arms, he hugged and kissed him, then encouraged the crowd to clap for the loser too. The Demons managed a light smattering of applause for the bloody Moby.

The next several exhibition fights were far more polished and beautiful. No less blood, but far more finesse. The partners were more fairly matched too. They fought with many of the same techniques we used and I got lost in the beauty of the movement. The lack of magic in the room let me relax and take in the show without worrying if a mystical tsunami was going to blow up out of nowhere. Amanda looked fine… alright, she looked slutty, but she didn’t look like she been beaten and almost killed less than ten hours ago. Demons clearly healed as quickly as Vampyres. The music stopped abruptly, right in the middle of Faithfully.

“And now for the challenges,” Satan shouted to the delight of the crowd. “Do we have a challenge?”

The denizens of Hell murmured with excitement and Cole stepped forward. A hush went through the crowd and I watched many Demons slink low in their seats so as not to be noticed by the Devil’s second in command.

“My finest warrior has stepped up to the mat.” Satan was positively orgasmic. This was not good. Was Cole going to kill someone? “Who do you challenge?”

Cole glanced casually around the room until his narrowed gaze landed on Ethan. Ethan grinned at him and winked. Oh my hell, I wasn’t sure whether to laugh or groan.

“I challenge the Vampyre,” he said smugly. The crowd gasped and the large Demon behind us patted my mate on the back.

“It was good knowing you,” he sniffed sadly. Was he crying?

“Actually,” Ethan said, still grinning from ear to ear. “You don’t know me at all.”

I shuddered. To anyone watching it would have appeared I was nervous for my man. They couldn’t have been more mistaken.

Ethan stood and removed his shirt. I rolled my eyes at the gasps of appreciation for his ripped body. He was mine and I gave the stink eye to two buxom female Demons who were drooling. His ego was enormous and I suppressed a giggle. He sauntered slowly to the mat. The tension in the room was palpable.

Cole removed his shirt and I had to admit the sexy in the room had elevated greatly. Satan slashed his hand in the air and Steven Perry started belting out Who’s Crying Now.

“Oh my, Astrid.” Dixie slid into Ethan’s seat and gripped my arm in distress. “Are you okay?”

“Why wouldn’t I be okay?”

“The last four Demons Cole fought with are damaged,” she whispered. “Permanently.”

“Did he cheat?”

“He doesn’t have to. He’s a weapon even without his magic.”

I rolled my neck, pulled my legs up to my seat and sat crisscross applesauce. Dixie gaped at me with concern.

“Astrid, this won’t end well.” She was a wreck and I felt bad for her.

“You’re right Dixie,” I told her. “It won’t end well. Watch.”

The sex gods bowed to Satan and began slowly circling each other. Ethan’s perfect body was completely relaxed and excitement coiled in my stomach. Everyone, including the Devil sat forward in their seats.

Ethan refused to make the first move and waited patiently for Cole. Cole was stupidly cocky. He took Ethan’s inaction as fear. Mistake number one… He smirked at the Vampyre and made his move. It was the most violent balletic battle I’d seen. They were well matched and utterly focused. A bomb could have detonated and they wouldn’t have taken their eyes from one another. It was a mixture of martial arts and pure brute strength. Ethan was the deadliest fighter I’d ever seen and I hoped he didn’t accidently kill Cole.

They parried, each getting kicks and punches in. Ethan deflected most of what Cole dealt out, but it was inevitable that he would come out scathed. My beautiful man was getting bored. Cole’s moves, while powerful and potentially deadly, were predictable.

“You have nothing more than that?” Ethan asked in a disinterested voice. Cole sucked in a furious breath and attacked.

Ethan ducked to his left and Cole went tripping forward. His roar of fury made the hair on my neck stand up. Dixie’s grip on my arm was going to leave a mark, but I didn’t have the heart to peel her off. She was a mess.

Ethan was over it. As Cole charged, Ethan gave him an upper cut that sent him reeling backwards. He then aerial cartwheeled forward and scissor kicked his neck, dropping him to the floor. Cole jumped up and did a back tuck, aiming to land a foot on Ethan’s spine to break it, but my lover was too fast. The crowd cheered and hissed. Cole came down so hard and fast on the mat that his foot, meant to maim, twisted beneath him. He grunted in pain and slashed out with his fist catching Ethan near his eye. It swelled shut almost immediately, but Ethan’s reply was devastating. With right-left upper cuts, I heard Cole’s jaw shatter and his nose crunch. The blood spatter would have been comical if it hadn’t been real. The Demons gasped and chattered with glee.

Bleeding and broken, Cole refused to give up. Ethan had taken his fair share of brutality, but he was nowhere near the broken man that his opponent was. Cole came at Ethan like an out of control train. His wreck was imminent and I clutched Dixie in fear for Cole.

“Don’t kill him,” I told Ethan.

“Don’t worry. He’s a Demon. He’ll heal.”

“Of course he’ll heal,” I snapped. “Unless you kill him.”

“Fine,” he huffed. “Shall I knock him out and end it?”

“Yes, but DO NOT use the death touch. I know it doesn’t work on Vamps, but it might kill a Demon.”

“Good point. This is why I love you.”

“Not for my boobs?”

He laughed aloud at my last transmitted message and I was sure everyone in the room thought he was insane. He wasted no time and Cole probably never knew what hit him. With Vampyre speed and the precision of a surgeon, my mate destroyed the finest Demon warrior in Hell. I idly thought these Demons needed some lessons, but I realized in battle they most likely used their magic. Ethan doled out punch after punch and kick after kick until Cole went down. The blood pooled around Cole’s body, but Ethan had quite a bit of his own to wipe away as well.

The bell rang and the room went silent.

Oh shit. Were we about to get attacked by every Demon in the room? I rushed to Ethan’s side and the noise started. Whistles and shouts bounced off the walls of the training room. The screaming and cheering made me want to cover my ears. Ethan nodded once to Satan, took my hand and walked back to our seats. He pulled his shirt back on, much to the sadness of the women in the room and took a seat. My instinct was to attend to his wounds, but I did nothing. Showing weakness was not an option. I’d fuss over him like a mother hen once we were alone.

“Impressive,” Satan said as the crowd quieted. Several guards tended to Cole and took him from the room. “I was going to offer to fight the winner… ”

“It would be my pleasure,” Ethan said flatly, not fucking around or playing games. “We can go right now.”

The Devil’s eyes widened for a brief second—so quickly, I wasn’t sure I saw it. He was scared. Oh my God… Satan was scared.

His gaze narrowed and he stepped forward menacingly. His words were for Ethan only, but I was a Vampyre and heard everything. “You may be able to take me with your fists, but I could destroy you with a finger,” he whispered.

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Ethan replied cheekily.

“Do that.” Satan turned to his minions with a beautiful smile on his face. “Please make yourselves comfortable. Refreshments are being served in the dining room and the concert will begin in an hour.” He gathered a pale Amanda to his side and left the room.

“Bedroom?” I asked my bruised and bloody mate.

“Yes,” he replied.

As we made our way out we were given a very wide berth. Demons whispered and pointed. Several bared their teeth. Awesome. We had clearly become the new Power Couple in Hell. Unsure if that was good or bad, we held our heads high and walked out.

“I think everyone wants a piece of us,” I muttered as I avoided the wet blood on the floor.

“Yes, I believe you’re correct. Just smile.”

“Will do.” I smiled and nodded as we made our way through the throngs of Demons. The rest of the day would be tricky, but then again… what the hell in Hell hadn’t been?

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Business in the front and party in the back.

“What did you say?” Ethan asked as we entered the ballroom. It had been converted to a concert venue for the evening.

We had rested and changed after the fight exhibition. General George had returned with my Baby Demons and they loved and kissed on Ethan until he insisted we lock them in the bathroom. They were unhappy, but found the tub to be an excellent pool. I left them splashing, screaming with joy and diving off the showerhead. I’d fussed over my Vampyre and made him drink a good amount of my blood. The only remnant of the battle was a slight purple bruise along his cheekbone. Vamps had amazing healing power.

“I didn’t say anything. Wait, were you in my head?”

“Maybe,” he answered cagily.

“Get out of my head,” I snapped.

“Astrid.” He stopped me on the side of the room, out of Demon earshot. “When you let me into your thoughts yesterday, something happened. I’ve been able to see inside you ever since. Completely inside.”

My first reaction was anger, but I had let him in. Would I have done that if I knew he’d always have access, even without permission? In a moment of ridiculously mature adult clarity, I realized I would. My fear of rejection didn’t exist with him and I wanted him to see me.

“This could be an issue on birthdays and Christmas.” I grinned and he relaxed.

“I promise to stay out during the holidays.”

I nodded and pressed a quick kiss to his lips. He looked mouthwatering in his black jeans and icy blue long sleeve t-shirt. I loved the casual dress code in Hell. It was in direct opposition to the décor, but I wasn’t going to complain. I was deliriously happy in jeans, Doc Martens and a black fitted tee that hugged my body in all the right places.

“So business in the front and party in the back?” Ethan arched a brow for explanation.

“The mullets.” I pointed to the cover band setting up on the stage and bit back my laughter. “Do you see how their hair is short in the front and long in the back?”

He nodded and winced.

“That’s a mullet. Actually, those are some of the most spectacular mullets I’ve ever seen.”

They were works of redneck art. One of the band members literally had a blond crew cut in the front and stringy long black locks down to his ample bottom in the back. Another had a short spiky red style going in the front and permed purple curls flowing half way down his back. The boys were also tatted and pierced within an inch of their lives.

“Words escape me,” Ethan muttered and shook his head.

“Would you get a mullet if it turned me on?” I teased.

“No, I would not.” He grinned and copped a feel of my ass as we seated ourselves along the outside wall. We wanted to be able to scan the room and watch for unusual activity. Sword stealers seemed to like an audience and this was a big event.

“The crowds have gotten bigger,” I said as I searched for trouble. There had to be several hundred Demons here.

“Yep,” Ethan agreed. “What game is he playing?”

I wondered the same thing myself. “Do you think it’s a metaphor?”

“Come again?” he asked me, although his eyes were still on the crowd.

“The Sword. Is there an actual Sword or does it mean something else entirely?”

Ethan was quiet for a moment. “If it’s a metaphor I will kick his ass.”

“You won’t have to—that ass will be mine.”

As the room continued to fill with beautiful people I was relieved to notice that the dampening spell had been removed. My magic was alive and tingled with the need to come out. Satan arrived with his entourage. He was dressed in jeans and a Journey concert tee. I slapped my hand over my mouth and swallowed a laugh. No one was going to believe this. No one.

Amanda and the Sins, with the tagalong Dante, made their way to the front. I was surprised to see Cole. He hadn’t healed nearly as well as Ethan, but he was able to walk and function. He shot a glance of pure hatred our way and Ethan waved.

“Are you trying to turn the concert into a brawl?” I asked as I elbowed him in the ribs.

“Just being neighborly.”

That reminded me that Mister Rogers and Hemingway would be back for lunch with God tomorrow. Was it possible that one of them had taken the Sword? My brain hurt with all the possibilities.

“Let the concert begin,” Satan bellowed joyously and held a lighter over his head. The crowd pulled out their lighters and fired up. Crazy. This was crazy.

The band was actually great. Blondie in the front with the black stringy locks in the back and the big booty was the lead singer. While no Steven Perry, he was really close. If I closed my eyes and blocked out the heinous hair, it was truly enjoyable.

“Movement,” Ethan said. My eyes shot open and I stood.

Cole was moving toward an exit on the left side of the room. Greed and Dante were heading to exit the way they had entered. Shit, were they running off for more kinky icky? Their vibe was different and I didn’t like it.

“I’ll take Cole. You take Greed and the ass,” he said, already moving.

“Yep.” I slipped out behind them and quickly cloaked myself so I could stay close. They were headed to the library. I’d passed it several times, but had never been in.

“Cole was a dead end,” Ethan’s voice rang in my head. “I’m back in the Ballroom.”

“Roger that,” I said and giggled. If I was going to play a cop, I was going to use the lingo. I could feel Ethan’s eye roll. “Over and out.”

Greed and Dante were making out in the stacks. I was grossed out and out of here. I moved away slowly running my fingers along the spines of the books. The library was as massive as the rest of the Palace, but I felt more comfortable here. The magic was different, more creative, sillier, deadlier… Deadlier? WTF?

Still cloaked, I hightailed it back to Greed and Dante. Greed lay in a heap on the floor and Dante was nowhere to be found. I let my cloaking fall away and squatted by my cousin. She had a pulse, but there was a nasty gash on the back of her head and she was out like a light.

“Greed?” I shook her and her eyes opened slightly. She moaned and huge tears fell from her gorgeous eyes.

“I fucked… ,” she whispered.

“I don’t want to hear about your sex life,” I said, searching her body for other wounds.

“No,” she choked out. “I fucked up. He has the Sword.”

Dante of big nose and dick had the Sword? “How?” I ground out. I was pissed and waited impatiently for her reply.

“He didn’t believe it was real,” she panted and winced in pain as she tried to sit up. Why wasn’t she healing? “He told me to prove it and he would be mine.”

It was still a mystery why she wanted him, but there was no time to go into that right now.

“What is he going to do with it?” He was a human. An angry dead human with no magic… how bad could this be?

“I don’t know,” she gasped as her bleeding increased.

“What the hell is happening here?” I asked her as I pulled my T-shirt over my head and put pressure on her gushing head wound. Thank God I’d worn a bra…

“I gave him my power.” She cried even harder.

“What the fuck did you just say?” I yelled. So much for it not being bad.

“It’s only for a half an hour. He promised to use it to make me come so hard I saw stars,” she blubbered.

Greedy, stupid and sex starved was a bad combination. “Let me get this straight. You gave him your power to borrow, so you could have the mother of all orgasms… you showed him the Sword, he took it, beat you and left with it. He basically has the instrument to kill and the power to do it because you wanted to get off. Correct?”

“Yes,” she wailed and threw herself back to the floor. “I am so fucking stupid.”

I couldn’t disagree, but I needed to stop her bleeding. I was unsure if I had healing magic, but it was worth a try. She was in for a world of hurt with her father if we all made it through this. I closed my eyes and wished her healthy and whole. I felt the magic leave my fingertips and wrap her in a warm glow. The bleeding stopped, but her strength remained weak. I supposed that would come back when her power returned to her… in a fucking half hour. Shit, an angry dead guy could do a lot in a half hour.

“Where did you find the Sword?” I demanded.

“Den of Iniquity,” she answered unsteadily.

Shitshitshit. It was the Sword…

“I’m leaving you here. You’ll be okay.”

“Thank you, Astrid. Can I ask one more thing of you?”

“Go ahead.” She personified her name.

“Would you please kill him? I’ve had quite enough and if I can’t have him, no one else can either”

I laughed. Hard. “You are all insane,” I muttered as I raced out of the library. “Completely insane.”

* * *

Chaos ensued.

The ballroom was a shit show of enormous proportions. Someone using magic who had no clue how to control it was dangerous. Add the Sword to the combination and it was horrifying.

Demons were dying left and right—exploding and turning to dust. Terrorized screams and frantic running made seeing where the danger was difficult. I pushed through the throngs and saw Dante on the stage. He was wailing in fear and moving his arms wildly. He held the Sword and paced erratically. OMG, he had caused this and couldn’t stop it. He shrieked at the Sword and covered his eyes with his hands to avoid the massacre his avarice and stupidity had spawned.

The Guards had surrounded Satan in a protective wall, but even they were exploding and turning to ash. Satan’s lips moved and I knew he was chanting a spell, but time was of the essence. I spotted Ethan and Cole. They were removing Demons and tossing them to the exits. Their animosity forgotten, they worked together like a well-oiled machine. My relief that he was okay was profound, but I had a Sword to retrieve and a psycho to stop.

Too many Demons blocked my path. I hadn’t wanted to show all my party tricks to the population of Hell, but emergency bred necessity. I jumped and flew to the stage, landing and tackling Dante to the ground. I grabbed him by the neck and squeezed.

“End this bloodbath. Now,” I said and squeezed tighter.

“I don’t know how,” he gasped and dropped the Sword to the ground. “I don’t know how.”

His wail of grief went right to my toes. If I destroyed him would the magic die with him? I had no freakin’ clue. It would have been lovely to get to ask someone, but everyone was busy at the moment. Could I override his magic? I was unsure how much longer he even possessed it, but at the rate Demons were dying, even a minute was too long.

“What exactly did you plan to do up here?” I shouted in his face. Maybe if I knew his plan I could untangle it and stop the death.

“I wanted to humiliate him,” he gasped. “Like he humiliated me.” His voice grew stronger as his delusions of grandeur and ego took over. “I am the greatest writer of all time and he has made me look like a fool,” he hissed. His eyes were wild and he truly was nuts. “I wanted to show him I could steal his precious Sword and kill him any time I liked.” His eyes glazed over and he laughed.

“You were going to kill him?” I shook him back to the present.

“No. Never,” he told me. “I just wanted to show his people how weak and laughable he was.”

“You showed them alright,” I screamed at him. “Look at what you’ve done.”

His shrieking was pathetic as he watched the death and destruction of innocent people before him. I looked up and to my horror and darkest nightmares, I saw a family of Demons with small children and a baby detonate and blow up in front of me. Time stood still for the briefest of moments and the world tilted on its axis. A red-hot rage blasted from my soul and my skin turned sparkly black. Dante’s eyes widened in fear and he tried to escape. He keened and groaned like an animal and grabbed for the sword to kill himself with the Sword. He sliced his skin several times and nothing happened. WTF? Another fake. All of this and the damn thing was counterfeit? The bastard was already dead, but right now I wanted him deader.

I put my hands on Dante and let the chant find me. Sacrifice the one who sins for the lives of the innocent. Would his death bring those children back? Probably not, but there were hundreds of others in the room who could perish in the twenty minutes or so he still had Greed’s power in him.

I pulled from inside and I let my darkest of magic come to the surface. A sharp pain erupted inside my head and I dropped to my knees. A cage made of shimmering black and crystal white blades trapped the traitor and contained his stolen magic. The death and destruction around me stopped. The howling and weeping did not, but that would go on for eternity. Dante writhed in agony inside the cage and I watched him dispassionately as my pain disappeared and I slowly got back to my feet. I didn’t care and that made me worry. I knew if I simply flicked my fingers he would be gone forever. I was unsure if I should actually show him that much mercy. Did he not deserve to burn in the Basement? Was I his judge? Did I want to be?

“Will you kill him?” Satan whispered in my ear and I jumped. Ethan had appeared on my other side and I breathed a sigh of relief.

“Did he lead a good life?” I asked as I watched him convulse.

“He did indeed,” Satan said. “As you know, he’s a card carrying member of my brother’s house.”

Right then I knew what I would do. He was stupid and driven by ego. His mistake came with a hefty cost, but the area was so very gray. I hated this and I wanted no part, but I was going to end him. Not for Greed, not for Satan and not for myself. He had committed unintentional manslaughter. He had not come in here to kill. He was distraught with what his greed had wrought. Should he spend an eternity in the Basement for deaths he did not maliciously cause?

“You’ll send him to the Basement?” I asked.

“Without a doubt.”

I flicked my fingers and Dante turned to ash like all those he had killed today. He was no more. Should I have ended his suffering? I thought so today. Hopefully I’d feel the same tomorrow. To separate the man from the destruction he’d caused today and base his judgment on the body of the whole was harder than anything I’d had to do yet. But I did it. I bent down and picked up the sword. I held it out to my uncle and he glanced at me with questioning eyes.

“It’s a fake.”

“Really?”

“Trust me.”

“And he got this and the deadly magic how?” he demanded.

“Ask your daughter, Greed.” I threw her under the bus where she belonged. I was done here and I wanted my bed. I was wearing my bra and I was a fucking mess. I honestly was beginning to question the existence of the Sword. I wanted to meet God and I wanted to go home. Satan could find his own damn Sword. I was done.

Chapter Thirty

God was so beautiful it was almost impossible to look at him.

After a sleepless night, we’d dressed formally and made our way back to the miraculously repaired dining room for lunch with God. The General had spent a good portion of the morning with us and the Baby Demons. I’d found out a number of alarming things… he had taken my Babies to a strip club and they been thrown out for lewd behavior. What that constituted in Hell was mindboggling so I decided to push that one aside for another time. However, the real kicker was when I learned that the gestation for a Demon was two years. I offered to pay for the hole in the plaster, but the General insisted he could have it fixed at no charge.

Ethan paled at the thought of me being pregnant for years and I nailed him with a vase. Luckily he ducked and I simply added it to the growing list of things I’d destroyed in Hell. The only consolation I had was that my baby was half Vampyre and since he was the first of his kind, maybe the gestation time would be shorter. I refused to even contemplate that it could be any longer. There weren’t enough items in Heaven and Hell put together for me to break if I really let my mind sit with that little nugget.

After calming down and locking the little monsters in the bathroom with a firm promise from them that they would stay, we went to the luncheon.

The dining room was laid out with the finest china and crystal I’d ever seen. An army of servants wearing all black hustled around and saw to the needs of the guests. This event was the first of its kind and clearly the Devil took it very seriously.

“This is one out of fucking control shindig,” Myrtle said as she offered me a puffy looking pastry. Her grin was contagious and I wanted to hug her. Her total lack of manners and couth made me happy.

“You are correct.” I smiled and took a pastry to be polite. “Are you, Carl and Janet working?” I sniffed the pastry and was delighted to find out I didn’t want it.

“We’re in charge,” she said proudly. “Moby used to be, but Carl kicked his mean old Demon ass yesterday and now we’re running the show.”

“Wow,” I said, unsure if that was the best way to maintain job security. “Congrats.”

“Yeah, well, I have to go pass this shit around to assholes. Have fun,” she chirped as she walked off.

Dixie approached and I was struck again by her beauty. “You good?” she asked as she gave me a hug.

“I’m good.”

“Have you walked the room?” she asked and immediately began to pick at her polish.

“No. Should I?” I inquired and pressed the bridge of my nose. There was never a freakin’ dull moment around here. Ethan was deep in conversation with my grandpa. When did he get back? I looked around for Gigi, but she was nowhere to be found.

“Well, um… ” Dixie struggled for words.

“Tell me. I’m not in the mood for surprises at this particular time.”

“It’s better to show you,” she said, took my hand and led me to the far side of the room. I was imagining all kinds of horrors, but I hadn’t been prepared for what I saw.

A large cage made of some kind of glistening material sat on a platform made of gold. Demons milled around it, pointing and taking pictures. A strong dampening spell surrounded the cage and covered it completely. Thin razor sharp blades protruded from the bars insuring the no one stuck a hand or object in and no one stuck a hand or object out. It was positively brilliant in its structure and absolutely barbaric in its reasoning.

Inside the cage, seated on hard wooden chairs were three women I had hoped never to see again… Lust, Wrath and Greed.

They were dressed in formal gowns—they were sullen and humiliated. Refusing to make eye contact with anyone they stared straight ahead and said nothing. Satan was a sick cookie. This was one hell of a punishment. I wondered if he would let them eat.

“Why?” I asked Dixie.

“He wants his brother to see all of his children since God only has one.”

“I’m kind of surprised he wants to show them off caged like animals. Doesn’t say much for his parenting skills.”

I walked to the edge of the cage and stared, knowing full well they could do nothing to me and I could destroy them. Lust stared back with hatred in her eyes and Wrath blew me an inappropriate kiss.

“Thank you for killing the bastard,” Greed said. She looked better than she had yesterday, but I was not going to be fond of her anytime soon.

“I didn’t do it for you,” I said harshly. She was sorely mistaken if she thought I would take a life on a whim. My tone shocked her and she looked away.

Wrath considered me carefully and tilted her head. “You are more than what you seem,” she said.

“Isn’t everyone?” I shot back. “You all certainly are.”

The silence was long and I wanted to walk away, but I refused to run.

“Come with me, Astrid. My father and Uncle God will be here soon. I just didn’t want you to be taken by surprise.”

With one last glance at the pathetic evil in the cage, I walked away with Dixie. I felt very little for the women—my cousins. I wondered if they lived in the same cage in Purgatory, but decided they didn’t deserve any more thought.

The Sword was still missing, God was coming for lunch and it was the lunar eclipse. Hell was ripe for a showdown.

“All rise for Satan and God,” a Guard yelled at the massive arched entrance to the dining room.

A hush fell over the crowd as a small army of Angels preceded the arrival of the big guys. Dressed in diaphanous white they seemed to float on air. They reminded me of my Angel, Pam—blindingly beautiful. They had peaceful smiles on their faces and they smelled like the wind on a rainy summer day. My body leaned forward in hopes of being noticed.

“Don’t,” Ethan whispered. “They’re as crazy as the Demons, just in a different way.”

“How do you know?” I asked, finding that hard to believe.

“A little first hand experience and the word from your grandfather.”

I was instantly curious about his first hand experience and hoped it wasn’t the same kind of experience he’d had with Lust. I tamped down my jealousy and simply gave him a look.

“No, it’s not what you think,” he said and put his arm around me. The heat of his body was comforting and I leaned in.

“Will we actually make it out of here alive?” I asked.

“Yes. We will,” he answered. “Tonight if I have anything to do with it.”

As much as I wanted to believe, I wasn’t so sure. A promise was a promise. It didn’t matter that the Devil didn’t keep his. I was my own person and my word was good. I would find the Sword and I would leave.

“I’m glad you’re wearing the necklace,” he whispered in my ear. “You will use it if you need it. Promise?”

“I promise.”

Again. God was so beautiful it was almost impossible to look at him.

God and Satan entered the room together and gasps went through the crowd. Angels and Demons alike were stunned to silence by the sheer power and beauty that stood before them. God was light to Satan’s dark, but the similarities were uncanny. The mouths and noses and high cheekbones were almost identical. I was surprised his eyes were the same golden as his brother’s. I suppose I thought they would be blue. His hair was blond and he wasn’t bearded and robed as I’d imagined as a child. Nope, he was built like a brick shithouse, same as Satan. His appeal was far less overtly sexual than his brother’s, but he was no less mesmerizing.

Several women passed out and I noticed they were of both Angel and Demon descent. The other Sins and Amanda stood off to Satan’s side and several female Angels stood off of God’s shoulder. I was hoping Cousin Jesus would come, but that would have to wait for another time.

Mister Rogers and Hemingway went to my uncles and paid their respects, then a line formed. God laughed at something Mister Rogers said and it rang like a symphony and bounced off the walls of the room. Satan rolled his eyes at the rabid hysteria his brother was causing, but did his very best to contain himself. Everyone wanted to meet God and everyone wanted a picture.

“Holy shit, did you see that?” Ethan chuckled and pointed to Satan making finger horns behind God’s head in a series of photos. I burst out laughing and buried my face in Ethan’s chest.

“Where did Grandpa go?” I asked as I watched Satan pinch his nose and act as if God smelled bad in a new round of pictures.

“He said he’d be back soon. He apparently forgot something.”

“Should we get in line?” I asked.

“I don’t think we have to.”

“Why? We can’t cut because that would be rude.”

“We don’t have to because they are coming to us.”

“What? Oh, shit.”

He was correct. They were headed straight for us and my knees were in danger of buckling. They made a brief pit stop at Dixie. God studied her for several minutes and then took her in his arms and gently hugged her. He seemed sad. It was odd and made me uncomfortable… like I was intruding on something I wasn’t supposed to see. She blushed and hugged him back. Satan seemed bizarrely satisfied with this action. It appeared to mean more than just a simple hug to him. I tucked that away for future reference, but I was sure he would deflect.

My uncles approached me with a look of determination on their faces. God’s gaze was gentle and filled with curiosity and Satan’s was excited. A marching band quickly formed in my stomach and began practice for the first time. They were off key and they had no rhythm whatsoever.

God took my hand in his and led me to a platform on the middle of the room. How had I not noticed this? The three of us walked up seven steps and stood on top.

“Astrid, it is lovely to finally meet you,” he said in a voice that filled every part of me with warmth and light. “I have heard so much about you from your Guardian Angel Pam and your nana.”

My lips trembled and my smile was shaky. I had never been in a presence like his. I wanted to curl up at his feet and simply listen to him breathe. “You look different than I expected,” I said and then immediately backtracked. “I mean you look great—better than great. I bet you have to beat the Angel ladies off and… Oh my God… ” I slapped my hand over my mouth and wanted to die. I just implied God was a player and then took his name in vain while I was talking to him. Shitshitshit.

His laugh and the way his eyes crinkled with amusement calmed me a bit, but not much. I decided to keep my trap shut. I had no idea what might come out and I did not want to give God a reason to smite me.

Everyone in the room was watching with interest. The large doors to the hallway reopened and masses of Angels and Demons piled in. What was happening? I searched for Ethan, but he’d been swallowed up in the crowd.

“Ethan, where are you?” I asked frantically.

“I’m here, but your grandfather is being mauled by your cousins, I’m trying to get him to safety. I’ll be right back.”

“Okay,” I said. “But hurry… it’s getting weird in here.”

“Tell me about it. I think they might have broken his ribs.”

Holy Hell, Grandpa’s cuteness was going to get him killed one of these days.

“Attention everyone,” Satan bellowed. The room of over five hundred quieted. “You have been called here from both Heaven and Hell for a reason. We are here to celebrate the next True Immortal.”

The crowd’s chatter grew and the yelling began. I would have assumed it would be the Demons that would be the rudest, but the Angels held their own.

“Prove it,” an Angel yelled.

“Why should we believe you?” a Demon shouted. “You invited a filthy Vampyre to Hell.”

Alrighty then. A chorus of “yeah” and “purebloods rule” and “kill the Vampyre” assaulted my ears.

What in the hell was happening here? Clearly I hadn’t gotten out much in Hell. I had no idea I was so popular… And why in the fuck was I on a stage with Satan and God? I tried to slink away. I didn’t want my presence to cause a brawl. As I stepped back a strong hand grasped my arm and the chance for escape was gone. It was God. He pulled me between himself and Satan and held me fast.

“Do you see the good or the bad in people?” he asked me quietly. Satan shot him an annoyed look, but God ignored him.

“What are you talking about?” I asked, bewildered.

“Just answer the question.” His grip on my arm tightened and I realized Satan and Dixie and Grandpa were right. There is no such thing as pure good or pure evil. Period. Everything is gray and it’s all in the interpretation.

“I see both,” I told him. “Everyone has both.”

“Everyone?” He raised his eyebrow and waited. His beauty was distracting, but I’d grown tired of all the beautiful without the substance to back it up. God may be full of substance, but in this moment he was after something that apparently I could provide.

“Yes.” I looked him in the eye so he would know I was including him too. “Everyone.”

He threw back his head and laughed. He reminded me so much of his brother in that moment, I laughed with him. He nodded to Satan and Satan winked at me.

“You may know of the Sword of Death,” God called out.

“It’s a myth,” someone yelled.

“Doesn’t exist.”

“It’s a joke,” another chimed in.

“Oh no,” God chided the audience. “It most certainly exists.”

I shot Satan a glance. Did God not know it was missing? How in the world could Satan look so freakin’ calm? This was a clusterfuck waiting to happen… Was he about to spring it on God in front of everyone? For real?

“Fred Rogers,” Satan said. “Step forward.”

The crowd parted as a shimmering dust exploded gently in the back of the room. God released my arm and I felt whispers curl around my body clinging to me and embracing me with a power that humbled me. It also froze me to the spot I was standing in. In a panic I looked to both God and Satan. They had put some sort of beguilement on me and I was planted—unable to run. The need to run was overwhelming, but the mechanics to do so had been taken away.

Mister Rogers walked forward. He held a sword in his hands and a halo glowed around his head. He smiled at me and I gasped. The magic coming from the Sword was so pure and so strong no one could look right at it.

“Mister Rogers stole the fucking Sword of Death?” I gasped.

“Oh no, neighbor. I am the keeper of the Sword. I live in the Den of Iniquity and I guard it with my goodness and light,” my childhood idol said.

“Are you going to tell me Mr. McFeely lives there too?” I snapped sarcastically.

“No, no.” He chuckled and shook his head. “Mr. McFeely is still on Earth, but when he ascends he will be in charge of the postal service in Heaven.”

I was struck speechless.

“You bastard,” Wrath yelled from her cage.

“You tricked me, you son of a bitch,” Greed screeched.

Mister Rogers just smiled at them and waved. A very sick feeling settled in the pit of my stomach. The Sword had never been missing. This was a game. A horrific game played at my expense. Satan was in on it and from the looks of things God was too. I was going to die. The filthy half Vampyre half Demon was going to die. Grandpa had clearly been in on it too. He had lured Ethan from the room. I was going to die alone for the sins of my father. I closed my eyes and realized I had no one to pray to. Maybe this was my purpose… to atone for the sins of my father. Tears rolled down my cheeks.

“I’m sorry, my little baby.” I touched my hand to my stomach. “I’m so sorry.”

“Give the Sword to Compassion,” God commanded.

Who in the fuck was Compassion? Was somebody new going to hop up here and chop my head off?

Mister Rogers stood in front of me and held out the Sword. Confusion didn’t begin to cover what I felt. What kind of warped game were they all playing?

“It’s you, Astrid,” Ethan said. “You’re Compassion. Take the Sword.”

His voice rang in my head and I found him in the crowd. He was staring at me with wonder and love.

I was Compassion?

Me?

I slowly bent forward at the waist, as my feet still wouldn’t move. I took the Sword in my hands. It was heavy and drenched with more magic than I’d ever felt. My head spun and I had to force myself to stand up straight.

“Behold the next True Immortal,” Satan shouted.

“Wait,” I hissed at the Lord of the Underworld. I felt the black gloves slide up my arms and I knew my skin had turned sparkly. There was a fine chance I was going to kick everyone’s ass in the room… “What kind of bullshit did you put me through?”

“The kind of bullshit that will save you from centuries of bullshit in the future,” he said and smiled. I so wanted to smack the grin from his mouth, but I realized what he had done. The anger inside of me remained, but it was tempered with something far more profound.

He had tested me and made me prove myself to those who would test me later. He was well aware that Wrath would eventually have his throne, but now she knew what I could do to her. The Sins may not like me, but they had a healthy fear of me—as did the rest of Hell. Satan was an ass, but he was a clever ass. I wasn’t sure I wanted to be Compassion, but it appeared that I might not have much of a choice.

“You’ll have to do a bit of work in Heaven too,” God informed me and I shot him an evil glare.

“Both of you are pansy asses,” I snapped. God was taken aback at my candor, but Satan chuckled.

“Prove it,” a Demon cried out.

“I don’t believe it,” an Angel yelled.

God and Satan rolled their eyes simultaneously and I laughed. They looked so much alike, I couldn’t help myself. They turned to me and simply stared. Shit. The pansy asses wanted me to prove it and there was only one way to do that.

The weight of the Sword in my hands made my fingers tingle—not in a bad or frightening way. A new and unusual way. I had no fear of the Sword and if I’d come this far I might as well go all the way. I caught Mister Rogers out of the corner of my eye giving me the thumbs up. WTF? But more importantly, I locked eyes with Ethan. He nodded and I knew everything was going to be fine.

I raised the sword and the entire room sparkled with what I would call Fairy dust. Iridescent crystals clung to all the Demons and Angels in the room. A strange purr of contentment burst from the crowd. I wasn’t one for self-inflicted pain, but I figured the faster the better. I raised the Sword in one hand and extended the other. The breathing in the room had halted—even Satan’s and God’s. Holy hell, were they unsure I was really a True Immortal? The whispers came back and I was assured by both that they believed in me. The only one left that mattered was me… Did I believe in me? Could I do this? Hell, I didn’t even know the job requirements, but if it simply boiled down to figuring out the definition of fair in a very gray world… I could do that. Yes. I could do that.

I sliced my arm and hissed at the excruciating pain. It burned like a motherfucker, but I didn’t die. I mean, I was dead, but I wasn’t dead-dead. The Demons and Angels went wild. Crying and bowing and wailing. Most of them dropped to their knees and begged my forgiveness.

I rolled my neck and looked directly at Satan. “I want to go home.”

The room trembled and the walls began to buckle. Trees, grasses and flowering vines exploded out of the floor and walls. Tables became boulders and the chandeliers dripped with flowers and fruit. Monkeys and birds hopped on the heads of Demons and Angels and everyone, including Satan and God, blanched and cowered in terror.

A huge pole appeared in the middle of the room. It went from the floor to the ceiling and at the top was Gigi.

“Astrid,” she shrieked. “Look at me! I’m a pole dancer!”

“What did she say?” God asked his brother.

“I believe she said she was a pole dancer,” Satan replied, completely baffled.

“That can’t be right,” God muttered.

“Oh, yes it can,” I said, grinning from ear to ear.

Chapter Thirty-One

Mother Nature slid down the pole… kind of. It wasn’t graceful. It wasn’t pretty. It was difficult to watch, especially when she got stuck, hung upside down and cussed like a sailor for five minutes.

After three more stalled attempts she made it to the floor, and under the covert direction of Grandpa, the crowd went wild. She took eight bows and then did an abrupt about-face and narrowed her gaze on her sons.

“Hello boys,” she purred. I even felt bad for them.

“Hi Mom,” Satan squeaked. God couldn’t even get his voice box to work.

As she moved toward them her skimpy pole dancer outfit was replaced by flowing robes. She was exquisite. Her hair blew wildly around her head and her animals darted around her.

“So what brings you here, Mom?” Satan whispered.

“I heard there was a party. My invitation must have gotten lost in the mail.”

“Oh,” he croaked. “I think God was supposed to tell you about it.”

God shot Satan a look that was covered in ‘I’ll smite your ass later.’ “No,” he said in a voice that wasn’t nearly as melodic as it had been. “It was all Satan’s fault. He said he didn’t want you here.”

Satan tackled God and they began to pummel each other and roll all over the stage. Thankfully I had use of my feet again and was able to jump out of the way, or they’d have taken me down with them.

“Enough,” she bellowed. They froze. The entire room froze. “So, Astrid darling. Was I amazing or what?” she asked, referring to her pole debacle.

“Gigi, it was okay. You need to practice more and I think you need to cut the cussing part back by a minute or so.”

I’m sure I heard Satan and God whimper. Gigi considered me for a long moment and I wondered if my uncles knew something I didn’t…

“Brilliant,” she shouted and the walls rumbled. “I shall take those notes and incorporate them into my new routine. Do you see why I like her?” she demanded of her boys.

“Yes,” they muttered meekly.

“She tells me the truth. Which is more than I can say for the rest of my family.” She stomped her foot and the back wall of the dining room collapsed.

“Gigi,” I admonished. “Chill out. If you want to be invited, you can’t destroy your son’s house every time you show up. Deal?”

“Deal,” she said and pursed her pretty lips. “Would you people have me over more often if I didn’t leave such a mess?”

“Um… sure,” Satan said, looking to me for guidance. Even though he had fucked with me, I gave him a nod. He was a bastard, but I liked him.

“I’d be willing to host a family dinner every now and then,” God offered in a shaky voice.

“Will you come visit me in Nirvana every Tuesday?” she inquired. “I’ll cook.”

Both men sucked in a quick breath and shuddered. “Can we bring take out?” Satan asked.

She gave him the evil eye and then laughed. “Of course. I can’t cook for shit.”

“Mom, Astrid is the next True Immortal,” God told her. Satan flipped him the finger. Apparently he had wanted to spring the news.

“Tell me something I don’t know,” she cooed, letting them know that nothing got by Mother Nature. “I’ve known that since the minute the child was born. It was difficult to let her grow up the way she did, but that’s what the Fates demanded. Those gals are bitches,” she muttered and wandered over to the cage. “Why are three of my granddaughters caged like animals?”

“We had some issues. They’ll be living in Purgatory for the next few years,” Satan explained.

Gigi circled the cage and the Sins trembled. “I have a better idea,” she crowed with excitement. Her robes billowed around her and her beautiful eyes lit up. “I shall take them home with me and teach them manners! Plus I need some new people to clean the monkey shit off of the furniture.”

“Um… ” Satan waffled.

“Excellent,” she squealed. “We shall leave immediately. Bill, are you ready?”

Grandpa ran forward and blew me a kiss as he took his true love’s arm.

“See ya, boys.” He grinned and winked and they disappeared. Within seconds the room was restored to its former glory and the cage was gone.

“Did that just really happen?” God asked, dazed.

“It did,” Satan said and ran his hands through his hair.

I felt Ethan’s presence beside me and all was right with my world. He kissed my temple and wrapped his arms around me.

“I must take my leave,” God said. “Astrid, it was lovely to meet you. I will assume this is your Ethan. You two have a very important job ahead.” He touched my stomach and a warm burst of loving magic spilled into me. “A very important job.” He turned to his brother and they embraced. The crowd was awed. I was awed.

God clapped his hands three times and he disappeared along with his entourage.

“Wow, people come and go so quickly here.” I giggled at my Wizard of Oz reference, but nobody got it so I shut my mouth.

“Everyone clear the room. You are dismissed,” Satan said. “Now.” The room emptied quickly except for Ethan, myself, Dixie and the Devil.

“Goodbye, Astrid,” Dixie said. Her eyes were full of tears and her hands shook. “I’ll miss you.”

She threw her arms around me and buried her face in my neck. I squeezed her and rocked her like a child. She longed for a mother like I did. It made my heart hurt. “Dixie.” I lifted her chin and looked into her eyes. “I’ll see you in six months. It’s not that far away.”

“You’re right,” she said and forced a smile to her lips. “Six months.”

She hugged Ethan and her father and disappeared in a cloud of pink glitter.

“I have one thing left to do before I go home,” I told Satan. He nodded his head and bowed to me. I turned to the man that made living for eternity worth it. “I don’t want to do this alone. Will you come with me?”

Ethan brushed his lips against mine and whispered, “Always.”

I took a deep breath, touched the amulet on my neck and turned back to Satan… but he was gone. In his place sat the General.

“George?”

“I answer to that.” He chuckled and loped closer. “I also answer to Satan, Lucifer and the Prince of Darkness in a pinch.”

I was speechless… almost. “You’re a motherfucker,” I gasped. “Does anyone else know?”

“No—well, Bambi does.” He gave me a grin. I shook my head and tried to clear it.

“Does she shift to a Demon too?” I asked. I hoped with all my heart that Bambi wasn’t Amanda.

“No. She’s my Hell Hound lover.”

“Of course.” I rolled my eyes and laughed.

“Put your hand on my back, children and I’ll take you where you want to go.”

* * *

It wasn’t loud. It wasn’t dramatic. It was simply sad. I called her name and she came to me. Her beauty was still there, but her mind was gone. She thought she was supposed to lead. The amulet could kill one—the one who was meant to lead.

I told her I loved her and she just looked confused. She was broken beyond repair and I had one last gift to give her. The gift of mercy. I was Compassion and it was my gift to give.

I touched the amulet and it turned to dust in my hand. Her end wasn’t brutal like her life had been. It was quiet and peaceful. She looked in my eyes and for the first time in my life I think she really saw me. She smiled and then… she was gone.

I turned to Ethan and I fell into his arms. “I will love you till the end of time.”

“And I you,” he replied and held me tight.

I pulled myself together and turned to Satan. He had transformed back to his breathtaking self. “I want to go home.”

He held his hand out to me and I went to him without hesitation. He held me like a father holds his daughter and kissed me on my head. “Would you mind if the Babies stayed for a while? I find them quite amusing.”

I looked up at the Devil and narrowed my eyes. “No strip clubs?”

“I promise.”

I didn’t believe him for a second, but I knew he’d take care of my little monsters. “One week and then you will send them home.”

“Yes, one week. This promise I shall keep.” He grinned and I giggled. “Are you ready?”

I glanced around the Basement one last time. I took Ethan’s hand in mine and I nodded to my uncle. “Yes. I want to go home.”

“As you wish.”

— THE END (for now) —

Hell On Heels

Hot Damned Series Book Three

Book Description

Where does a Demon go when she gets deported from Hell?

Kentucky. Eden, Kentucky to be more specific—where nothing is exactly as it seems.

My name is Dixie. I’m a Demon—a lousy Demon. I’m a twenty-one year old virgin and I have a battery operated boyfriend. My magic is iffy at best and downright dangerous at worst. Leaving Hell to represent my race is not high on my list of things to do.

Hell was exact. Hell was simple. All I want to do is get to home base with the hotter than Hades Demon of my dreams and work on my dark side so Satan, my dad, will get off my ass.

Instead I end up in Kentucky looking for the Balance of Chaos, avoiding pole dancing classes with Mother Nature and finding out my invisible friend is a silver skinned destructive weather pattern.

And if that isn’t craptastic enough, the damn Sword of Death is missing again and who ever has it wants the King of the Underworld dead. Seriously.

With new powers emerging daily, keeping my Demon side, horniness and general disgust under wraps doesn’t make it any easier to fit in with the humans. Thankfully my priorities are in line: get laid…save world…try not to blow up kitchen appliances…and get laid again. I was ready to rumble.

All I want to do is go back to Hell, but with the balance of good and evil in my hands, I’m stuck in the garden of Eden. Oh well, what the Hell.

Someone has to save the world before there’s no world left to save. Might as well be me.

Chapter One

“What exactly are you doing?” I asked my father. He had a deck of playing cards laid out on his massive mahogany desk and he was putting tiny dots on the backs of the aces, queens, kings and jacks.

“It’s Thursday,” he replied.

“Yes… and?” I flopped down on the plush leather couch and waited.

“That bastard Hemingway won last week. That was unacceptable,” he huffed. He put down the red pen and picked up a blue one.

“So you’re going to cheat?”

He gave me a smile that had melted the hearts of thousands of women. Literally. “But of course.”

Being the daughter of Satan had its challenges. This was only one of many. I knew that explaining to him that cheating at poker was wrong would be like running up the down escalator for eternity, so I kept my mouth shut.

Furthermore I was fairly sure that Hemingway cheated too. Poker Night in Hell usually consisted of Ernest Hemingway, Mr. Rogers, my dad and occasionally Mother Teresa. Since all of the players, my father excluded, resided in Heaven they basically took a bi-weekly field trip to Hell for game night. For real.

He finished his deceitful art project and gave me his full attention. “So, my beautiful girl, are you ready?”

I picked at my nail polish and considered my answer. Pleading had not worked, nor had crying or throwing a tantrum. Actually, the tantrum was a total bust. We ended up laughing because it was so far out of my character and I sucked at it. I suppose I could try the truth.

“Dad, being deported from Hell is not my idea of a good time. I’m not ready. I have no real power yet and I know I’ll disappoint you.”

“Dixie, the only thing that disappoints me is that you will be graduating from Demon College as the valedictorian and your obsessive need to do good.” He sighed dramatically and ran his hands through his jet black hair.

He was gorgeous. He was evil. And I loved him.

“Your sisters… ”

“My sisters are thousands of years old. College didn’t even exist when they were of age.”

“Point,” he agreed. “I just don’t understand why you couldn’t learn what you wanted and then flunk the tests on purpose. We have a reputation to maintain.”

“I know.” I let my head fall back and stared at the mirrored ceiling. What the… ? When did he have the ceiling in his office mirrored? The reality was too much to take in. I shut my eyes and tried without success to block out what I’d just seen. I was from the most over-sexed family in history and I was a twenty-one year old virgin.

“I’ve done my best to help you past that little hump. No pun intended,” Satan said innocently.

“Get out of my head, Dad,” I snapped.

He wasn’t lying, and he intended every pun he made. He’d thrown the cream of the crop at me. Of course they were smarmy and way too old. The last Demon he’d set me up with had ridden on the Mayflower, had no clue who Maroon Five was and smelled funky.

“Dixie, darling, all of your sisters popped their… ”

“Hell to the NO,” I yelled as I slapped my hands over my ears. It was beyond unnecessary to hear about the sexual exploits of my sisters, the Seven Deadly Sins. It was bad enough that one of them was named Lust.

“Dixie, I’m just trying to help,” he pouted.

“Look, Dad… there is a guy. And, um… well.”

There actually was a guy—an amazing perfect guy, but I had no intention of telling my dad about him. He would ruin it. My dad thought it was hilarious to threaten the lives of all my sisters’ paramours. And what did it matter anyway? I was leaving. All Demon Princesses had to do their time on Earth and my number had come up. The only thing that made it bearable was that I’d get to see my cousin Astrid. She was very pregnant and furious that no one could tell her what the gestation time was for a half-Vampyre half-Demon baby. She’d apparently caused so much property damage that her mate Ethan had everything breakable in the compound nailed down.

“Do I know him?” my father inquired casually.

My stomach clenched. Nothing my dad did was casual. “Nope.” I smiled and stood up. “And you’re not going to. I don’t like him anymore.”

“This happened in the thirty seconds since you announced his existence?”

“Yes. Yes it did.”

“Dixie, Dixie, Dixie, you are so like your mother.”

Considering no one had the testicles to tell me who my mother was, his comparison drove me to grind my teeth. “And that’s a bad thing?” I challenged, hoping for once he’d slip up and give me a clue.

He paused and watched me for a moment. “Not good. Not bad. Interesting.”

I went back to work on my nail polish and bit back a nasty retort as the tears threatened.

“Will you attend the poker game tonight?” he asked as if nothing important had passed between us.

“Sure,” I muttered.

“Bring your guy. I’d love to meet him.” With that my frighteningly beautiful father disappeared in a blast of black glitter and smoke. He was insane if he thought I’d bring my friend—completely insane.

Chapter Two

“How was the poker game last night?” my best friend Stella asked as we tried to find something edible in the college commissary.

“Dad won.”

“Your dad always wins.”

“He cheated,” I muttered as I grabbed a sandwich and a bag of chips.

“So? He’s Satan.”

“Does anyone have morals here?”

“Dixie, we’re Demons. We live in Hell. What do you expect?” Stella asked logically. The crabby Demon with the unibrow behind the food counter slid a nasty-looking bowl of what could pass for beef stew onto my BFF's tray. Stella, never wanting to cause a scene, accepted the offending bowl and moved on.

She was correct, and I didn’t quite fit in. I never had and Hell knows I tried. I slid my tray quickly past the lunch lady and avoided the rank-looking stew.

"The commissary sucks," Stella lamented as she tried not to gag at the aroma rising from her tray. "I should have gone to college on Earth."

"Agree." I nodded as I made my way through the crowd to a table.

The Demon College looked more like a high school than a college—lockers and all. The commissary looked like a freakin’ high school lunchroom because up until a couple of years ago it had been. Most Demons, if they chose to pursue a higher degree, went to Harvard, MIT, Princeton, Yale, or Northwestern on Earth. From what I understood Angels tended to prefer the party schools. Since my father decreed I wasn’t ready to go to Earth four years ago, he created the Demon College—where my old high school formerly stood. While the education was top notch, the accommodations left a lot to be desired.

“Holy Hell, your boyfriend is staring at you,” Stella whispered gleefully.

“He’s not my boyfriend,” I hissed.

“Does he know that?” Stella’s smile broadened as she enjoyed my discomfort.

Glancing around the commissary, I spotted the person I dreamt about on a nightly basis and I debated my next move. Did I stay or did I go? Being near my secret fantasy made me stupid. I’d far rather be mysterious than idiotic. He made me feel hot, cold and tingly at the same time and I’d barely uttered a word to him all year. Go. I would go—just put my tray down and be out of the commissary in a minute flat—or I could dematerialize… but then I could end up anywhere. I didn’t quite have the hang of dematerializing to places I was actually trying to go. Last week I tried to travel to the mall and ended up in my father’s chambers while he was getting busy with his pregnant consort Amanda. Bleach couldn’t remove that one from my brain.

"I'm out of here," I muttered as I started walking. Speeding up my pace, I hightailed it to the tray drop praying to every deity I could think of that I didn’t run into the man of my dreams. In all of my inexperience I was liable to either drool or bodily throw myself at him.

“He’s still watching you,” Stella whispered as she followed close on my heels.

I rolled my eyes. “He’s not watching me.”

“Wrong,” she trilled happily.

“Stella, hush. Someone will hear you.” She was my best friend, and if I didn’t love her so much I would take great pleasure in killing her.

“Oh please.” She waggled her eyebrows and made smooching noises. Pretending I didn’t know her was impossible and I seriously considered dematerializing, but a healthy fear of seeing my father’s naked ass stopped me.

“He is totally gone on you,” she informed anyone within hearing distance—which was everyone—as she chased me. “And you are so gone… watch out,” Stella yelped.

I stopped short to avoid running into Vincent van Gogh, my art teacher. Dressed in a purple velvet cape and a frighteningly poufy hat, he was weaving his way toward the open bar. It was Hell, after all, where mixing alcohol and academia was the norm. Van Gogh had a very close relationship with his absinthe. When the great master died he had the choice between Heaven and Hell. He chose Hell, much to my Uncle God’s disgust. Van Gogh, while brilliant and extremely funny when he wasn’t morbidly depressed, was clearly intoxicated. Did no one notice or care about these things besides me? Much was overlooked in Hell, but drunk was drunk.

In an attempt to avoid body-slamming the great artist I veered left and unfortunately Stella had the same idea. She slammed into my back, covering what used to be my brand new hot pink Juicy sweat suit in rank beef stew.

“Shit,” she moaned as she tried to remove the potatoes, carrots and meat from my hair and the inside of my hood.

I froze and closed my eyes. As a child I used to think if I couldn't see anybody then they couldn't see me. It didn't work when I was five and I was fairly sure it wouldn't start working at twenty-one, but one could always hope. I also used to think that there were actual people in the TV.

“Hey Dixie.” An insanely sexy voice broke into my invisibility fantasy.

I pried open one eye, and much to my great horror and delight stood the object of my desire in the flesh. The most beautiful man I’d ever seen—Hayden Black.

“You okay?” he asked.

My stomach flipped, my tongue became sandpaper and I felt lightheaded. I shakily tucked my hair behind my ear in a move that I knew looked good on me and came back with a fistful of beef stew. “I’m great,” I lied. The heat crept up my neck and settled squarely on my cheeks. Holy Hell, could it get any worse?

“I’m going to skip the rest of the day and go cliff diving south of town. You want to come?” He smiled a lazy smile that made my breath hitch and all my unused lady parts tingle.

“I can’t,” I stammered. “I have a calculus exam… and I smell like beef stew, and I don’t have a swimsuit and I… ”

“Another time then.” Hayden grinned and my heart skipped a beat. He reached out and ran his fingertips along my jaw line and his thumb across my lips. The shock of his touch jolted through my body and my knees buckled a little. “Another time.”

He stood for a moment and stared, then turned and left the commissary. I watched his perfect butt in his loose-fitted faded jeans walk away from me. I didn’t like him walking away from me—it felt wrong. What the Hell was that about? Why was I so drawn to him? I was leaving and those were the most words I’d said to him in a year. My hand automatically went to my still tingling lips, which I silently vowed to never wash again.

“Dude.” Stella bounced like a ball. “He just asked you out!”

“No he didn't. He asked me to skip class. You know I don’t skip.”

“You need to pull the steel rod out of your ass and loosen up,” she chastised as she futilely attempted to remove the beef stew from my hair.

“I've been telling her that for years,” my sister Sloth chimed in as she appeared in a burst of silver glitter dust.

I rolled my eyes and smiled at my beautiful lazy sister. She was by far the nicest of the Seven Deadly Sins and I adored her. “What are you doing here? Is everything okay?” She never came to the Demon College. Academia gave her hives. Literally. Panic knotted in my stomach.

“Everything is fine,” she assured me. “Dad’s got his panties in a wad and he wants to see you. I've been sent to bring you to the Dark Palace.”

“But I have a calculus exam and I… ” I began to explain my schedule but petered off, realizing it was useless.

“And?” She raised her eyebrows as she began to scratch the welts that had popped up on her arms.

“Fine,” I acquiesced quickly. As laidback as my sister was she got really grumpy and occasionally deadly when she was itchy. Furthermore, my dad waited for no one, certainly not his youngest daughter.

“You can’t see Dad or Grandma like that.” Sloth referred to my stew-splattered attire.

I paled considerably and clutched my sister for purchase. "Oh my Hell, Gigi is there?"

"Yep, and Dad is in a tizzy." She grinned evilly. "Let's get the unidentifiable lunch product off of you."

“That’s my fault,” Stella offered apologetically.

“No worries,” my sister told Stella as she affectionately squeezed her cheek. Sloth raised her arms and flung them towards me. In a flash my hair was clean and my hot pink sweat suit was gone, replaced by the requisite black my father expected us to wear.

I hugged Stella goodbye and wrapped my arms around my sister. Sloth moved her hands in a circular motion. The glitter engulfed us as my beautiful sister and I vanished in a cloud of magic.

* * *

My day was going from mortifyingly bad to really scary bad.

The Dark Palace, my father's main residence, was normally a gross display of wealth and questionable taste. At the moment it had been transformed into a wild garden that resembled a blooming jungle on crack as opposed to the lush manicured gardens that populated Hell.

I grasped my sister's hand in terror and peered through the vines and flowers. "Is she here?"

"I don't sense her yet, but she's definitely on her way. Her garden usually precedes her by about five minutes," Sloth mumbled as she disengaged her hand from mine. "Dixie, I love you, but I wasn't summoned by our certifiable granny. Do you mind if I go?"

"Um… "

"Great! Call me later," my traitorous sister said as she disappeared in a blast of glitter. So much for counting on a Sin. The smell of jasmine and lilies permeated the air. There was no trace whatsoever of the grand ballroom which was where I knew I stood. Mother Nature, aka my Grandma Gigi, had a very bad habit of destroying my dad's homes. My guess was that he had missed his weekly visit to Nirvana to kiss her butt and she was pissed, but that didn't explain why I had to be here.

"Dad," I called out in the largest whisper I dared.

"Over here," Satan said quietly.

I made my way toward my father's voice and found him hiding behind a large ivy covered rock. My stomach dropped to my toes. The most terrifying and powerful Demon alive was hiding from his mother. This was beyond bad.

"Um, Dad?"

"Dixie," he hissed and pulled me behind the rock with him. "Thank sweet Hades you're here."

"Why exactly am I here?" I asked as I peeked around the rock.

"Your grandmother is the definition of unstable insanity, and if I knew why she summoned us we wouldn't be hiding behind a rock," he answered logically.

"Dad, you're my rock and this is making me very nervous."

He considered me for a long moment and stood up. He was magnificent. He stood six feet six inches tall and had long raven black hair like mine. Our eyes were gold, although they turned ruby red when we got excited or angry. My skin was more peaches and cream in comparison to my dad’s beautiful pale mocha color.

"You're correct Dixie, I am your rock. She's so damned horrific I forget myself. Everything will be fine—I hope," he muttered.

His total lack of conviction was unsettling. I rose to my feet and waited. What the hell did she want with me? She'd shown me no attention at all in my twenty-one years in Hell.

"Don't look her in the eye and stand at least ten to twenty feet away from her," my dad instructed. "She's crazy and prone to blistering and deadly fits of rage."

"I heard that, you little shit," a glorious melodic voice shouted. "Just because you're the King of the Underworld doesn't mean I can't take you over my knee and tan your ass."

I gasped and held on to my father.

"Son of a bitchass motherhumping asshats—arghhhh!" she screeched as she fell ungracefully from the sky. It wasn't until that moment I realized the roof of the palace was gone. The musical voice did not match the language flying from her mouth or the otherworldly glamour she possessed.

The disheveled beauty got to her feet and glanced around impatiently. She wore a gown of sheer golden gossamer that floated around her magically. Her hair was a mass of fiery red curls and her skin was a pale porcelain, but it was her eyes… Her eyes were the clearest blue I'd ever seen and they sparkled. She was quite simply the most gorgeous crazy woman in the universe.

Her power filled the room. It was earthy with a dangerous sensual undertone to it. I would give anything to be back in the commissary covered in stinky beef stew. Anything.

"Satan, you little bastard," she snapped as the gentle breeze in the room shifted into a slightly menacing wind. "I know you're here. I want to see my granddaughter. Now."

"Mother," Satan bellowed joyously as he stepped out from behind the rock. "To what do I owe this pleasure?" He placed me firmly behind him and waited for her next move.

"Cut the shit. You were supposed to visit me and I made a cake," she yelled. "You didn't show up and I ate it. I ate the entire cake. Do you have any idea how many hours I had to pole dance to work off an entire cake?"

"Seven?" he guessed.

She froze, stared at him for a tense moment, and then threw her head back and laughed with delight. "You're right! I always knew you were smarter than your brother. He guessed three."

My father stood even taller, clearly pleased with himself that he'd bested his brother, God. Forget about my Grandma Gigi—my entire family was nuts.

"Mother, while it's alarmingly wonderful and highly destructive to see you," he said, gesturing to the wrecked ballroom, "why are you here and what do you want with Dixie?"

"I want to see her," she pouted and stamped her small foot.

"You've not wanted to see her for twenty-one years. I don't see… "

"You know exactly why I've ignored her, Satan," she said in a deadly quiet voice.

My father had no reply. He bowed his head and shook it. What was going on here? Something was wonky and I'd bet my embarrassing virginity that no one was going to enlighten me.

"I know she's behind you. Dixie, come out and greet me," Gigi demanded.

My father turned to me and his golden eyes burned into mine. "It's all right. She won't harm you. Go to her."

Sucking in a huge breath, I stepped out from behind my dad and warily approached my grandmother. My fear disappeared and was replaced by curiosity… the kind that was deadly to cats.

"Oh my," she giggled, completely disarming me. "You are exquisite. You look like your father, but you have so very much of her in you."

She caressed my face gently. I automatically leaned into her warm and delicate hand. My maternal upbringing had been virtually nonexistent—attention from a mother figure was addicting, no matter how insane she might be.

"Do you mean my mother?" I asked tentatively, hoping she didn't remove her hand. "Do you know her?"

"Well of course I do. She's a crazy irresponsible assbuckle. The next time I see her I will… "

"Mother," Satan roared.

"Well, she is," she shot back. "Anyhoo, I got a phone with cells. Would you like to see it?"

"Um… " I was hoping she would continue her tirade on my mother. It was the most information I'd ever heard.

"You mean a cell phone," my father corrected her.

"That's what I said." Her gaze narrowed dangerously and the wind in the room kicked up a few notches. Her fingers began to shoot little orange sparks, and I worried for the health and welfare of my dad and his home.

"I'd love to see it," I insisted quickly before she caused a Hellquake or leveled the Dark Palace completely.

"I want you to take a selfie of me," she demanded as she handed me a jewel-encrusted cell phone.

"Um, a selfie means you take it of yourself," I explained as she shoved her new toy into my hand.

"Exactly. Take a selfie of me."

Deciding further explanation of a selfie could end in violence I took several as she posed obscenely with a flowering vine.

"While it's wonderfully disturbing to watch you hump the vegetation, would you like to explain your presence?" my father asked as he partially hid himself behind a boulder.

"Yes, of course," Gigi said as she disengaged herself from the plant and planted a huge wet kiss on my cheek. Glancing at her phone, she grinned. "These would go positively viral on YouTube."

"Mother," Satan warned as he stepped up next to me.

As calming as my father's presence was, I realized to my utter shock I was not at all afraid of Mother Nature. It was clear that she loved me, which only confused me more.

"Why haven't you ever wanted me?" I asked her and she froze.

My father tensed beside me and his magic began to swirl with his mother's.

"Dear sweet child," she cooed. "It was for your safety, but now since you're leaving I needed to see you and tell you… "

"Enough," Satan shouted. "You know the rules. Would you put her in more danger than she's already in?"

This was unwelcome news to me. I was in danger?

"You're such a douchewanker—I wouldn't say anything to harm her. I love her," Gigi shot back angrily.

"Then I think it best you leave," he said in a voice that made the hair on my neck stand up. However, his mother just giggled.

"Have her powers come in?"

"No, but they will," he snapped and advanced on his mother. "You will stay out of this. Do you understand me?"

"It's not nice to backtalk Mother Nature," she hissed.

"I thought it was fool," my father replied dryly.

"Whatever. I'm late for a marathon pole dancing exhibition, otherwise I'd smite your ass for being rude."

"You've done quite enough. Dixie, say goodbye to your grandmother. Now."

I scurried forward and embraced my slightly unhinged grandma. She hugged me tight and whispered in my ear, "Your father is an assmonkey. Don't worry about a thing. I will see you on Earth. I promise."

With that she disappeared, taking her jungle with her—almost. The roof of the palace was missing and I was quite sure that was not an accident.

"Son of a bitch," Satan yelled and stomped around, throwing a fit. "It had better not rain before I can get a new roof or I will send ten thousand giant goats to Nirvana to eat your gardens, you heinous woman."

"Um, Dad?"

"Yes, Dixie?" he answered as he reined in his tantrum with difficulty.

"What kind of danger am I in?"

"At this exact moment, none. But tomorrow is a new day."

"Is that supposed to help? Because it doesn't," I replied as I frantically began to pick at my woefully under-manicured fingernails.

"Dixie, look at me."

I did. He was magnetic and scary and beautiful and mine. I knew I would do anything for my father.

"I am sending you away from danger. You have a mission, but you are capable and ready. It's not for public knowledge because it fucks with my reputation, but I love you. I will kill for you and I would die for you. Now, your sisters? Not so sure, but I would not send you directly into the firing squad. You have to trust me."

Sucking in a huge breath, I nodded. "I trust you, Dad, and I love you too."

"Come here," he said.

I slid into his strong embrace and wished I could stay forever, but that was not how life went. If he said my powers would come, they would come. If he said I was ready… Hell, I just hoped he was right.

Chapter Three

I go to group therapy.

When you live in Hell and you’re not considered to be evil enough, you have to do therapy.

I have to do therapy with a group of others who have an evil deficiency.

That group destroyed my cute bungalow yesterday.

They were insane misfits and I'd grown to love them in the same way one loves a puppy who chews up your couch and eats your walls. Prone to destruction, we’d been banned from meeting anywhere but privately. I’d spent every afternoon at three-thirty for the last year watching them destroy meeting rooms, offices, classrooms, convenience stores… you name it, they could trash it. The convenience store wasn’t actually a session. We’d gone for Slurpees after a grueling hour of therapy and they thought the Demon at the cash register looked at them funny. It was bad. Our newest therapist—we'd had many—had threatened repeatedly to quit unless we started doing at home meetings. Hence my ruined house. And hence their solution.

I should re-name my group The Wrecking Balls. Janet the formerly Bearded Lady, Carl the Strong Man, and Myrtle the… I’m not really sure how to explain her. I like her a lot, but she was difficult to describe. Basically she was a tiny Goth girl with more hair in her face than Cousin It. They were all quite funny but bordered on homicidal.

Today they arrived in a big van loaded with tools, wood, a window and paint to repair my bungalow in Hell. Yesterday’s therapy session had turned violent when a debate over The X Factor versus The Voice ensued. Our therapist had been hospitalized for blunt head trauma from a toaster. Myrtle was one tuff cookie and psychotic to boot. She clearly thought the therapist was out of line when she commented on Simon's man boobs, hence the beating, followed by the destruction of my home. As much as I found my group amusing, their ability to trash every place we met was starting to ride my last nerve. Not to mention my horror that they were coming to Earth with me and posing as my family.

A furniture truck arrived soon after they descended on my home, loaded with brand new furniture to replace what they had demolished. The new stuff wasn't nearly as nice as my old furniture that they’d destroyed. When I tried to kindly explain this to the Strong Man aka Carl he just shrugged and began doing the Moonwalk. Normally he flipped people off, but he liked me. He was fond of flipping people off. It seemed to give him joy. He moonwalked for about thirty-two counts and then slid very slowly into the splits, arms raised above his bald head.

I stared at him in silence. I was definitely going to have a word with my dad about this group posing as my family on Earth. These people were C-R-A-Z-Y. It didn’t help that Carl was wearing something akin to a mauve wrestling uniform with black socks and brown earth shoes. I had no idea how to respond to his performance. Was I supposed to clap or was I supposed to challenge him by busting out my own moves? In the end I nodded at him, he nodded back and I walked away. Quickly.

The furniture delivery guy, Wolf Boy, the hairiest Demon I’d ever seen, lined up all the new furniture on my lawn. I'd have to say Demons were a very attractive race. My therapy group and their friends were an anomaly. Wolf Boy then explained as he shed all over said furniture that he’d be back in a couple of hours to put it in my house.

After winking at me lasciviously, he meandered over to Myrtle and copped a feel of her butt. This earned him a bone crunching solid right hook to the face. She knocked his nose clear up into his forehead. God, that had to hurt. Amazingly undeterred by this painful rejection, I watched in shock as he then palmed her boob. Ya’d think he would have learned his lesson…

Myrtle easily picked him up even though Wolf Boy was twice her size and threw him to the ground. She then viciously crunched his testicles with the large hard heel of her combat boot. My dad would love that move. It made me bend over in sympathy for Wolf Boy even though our plumbing was entirely different.

Wolf Boy lay crumbled on the ground moaning for a long time. With his nose where his forehead should be and his testicles lodged somewhere near his chest I didn’t blame him. All the others worked around him as if he wasn’t there.

I sat down on the front steps of my bungalow and watched in horror as my therapy group turned my beautiful little house into a bad home-improvement project. I felt a cool wind on my face and I closed my eyes and smiled. The air shimmered around me and out of nowhere Blanche magically appeared on my front lawn. She stepped over Wolf Boy and made herself comfortable on my new and highly unattractive couch. She happily held one-sided conversations with a bunch of Demons that didn’t even know she was there… because she was invisible. Blanche was mine and I was the only one who could see her. Although I’d told my dad and sisters about her, none of them believed me. Stella was the only one who was convinced of her existence. Stella loved hearing about Blanche’s adventures and Blanche loved Stella. It pissed her off to no end that Stella couldn’t see her. She would curse a blue streak trying to figure out a way to become corporeal for Stella. If I could behave a little more like Blanche, my dad would be so happy. However, every time I tried to copy her I either ended up with hives or laughing uncontrollably.

“Excuse me, Dixie,” said Janet with the voice of a shy ten year old girl. Poor Janet was wearing a fake beard and mustache. Up until a few months ago her beard and stache had been real, but our former therapist had them permanently removed as punishment. Janet had been devastated. She'd been sporting her beard for hundreds of years and clearly felt naked without it. Her mate, Carl, loved her both hairy and hairless and had bought her an impressive array of beards. Focusing on her eyes instead of her lopsided facial hair was difficult, but she was sweet. “Would Your Highness like the walls the same color as before or do you want something new and fresh and not so dated?”

I was fairly sure I was just insulted by a child locked in a hairy adult’s body, but I decided it was in my best interest to let that baby go. My hairy female friend was going to help me redecorate.

“I don’t know. What do you think?” I felt my eyes go red with excitement.

“I think we should look at this!” She whipped out a color chart and squealed.

Blanche cleared her throat to get my attention and mimed shaving her face. Damn her, I was almost able to pretend that Janet was normal. Then Blanche had to go and ruin it by reminding me that Janet had more fake hair on her face than I had on my entire body. Well, screw her. Janet was my friend—she couldn’t help that she was a hairy destructive mess.

While Janet and I bonded over paint colors, Carl and Myrtle got into three rather violent fights.

“Carl.” I stopped him as he went to replace my window. “Why do you two hang out if you're just going to keep trying to kill each other?”

Carl paused, contemplated, flipped me off and then started break dancing. I was beginning to think he was brain damaged.

“Oh, for goodness sakes,” Janet piped up. Her mannerisms were so dainty for such a hairy gal. “Carl is a little… well, he’s just Carl. He’s a wonderful Demon, just not a good conversationalist.” She paused and waited for Carl to finish with his splits. That was how he ended all of his routines. As he wandered out of earshot Janet continued.

“Actually,” she went on, "he’s very smart and kind. He smells good and he’s champion in the bedroom.”

“Oh, Good Lucifer Almighty, no!” Blanche screamed as she slapped her hands over her ears. “That’s disgusting.” I was so glad that Janet couldn’t see or hear my non-corporeal imaginary friend, but I had to concur. Blanche vanished in a huff of disgust.

“Oookay, Janet,” I said, deciding to use this as a teachable moment for my hairy buddy. “That is way too much information. That’s not really an image you want to create for others.”

“You’re right,” she answered solemnly in her childlike voice. “No one should know that Carl is Superman in the sack. If anybody tried to steal my Carl away I’d tear their limbs off, decapitate them, shove a spike through their heart and burn them for the Hell of it.”

She stopped for a moment, clearly considering what she just said. She was normally so sweet. I was positive she was going to yell “joking”, but no.

“Actually I’d rip their limbs off first then burn them because they would be conscious for that and it would hurt.” She seemed pleased with the new order of torture. “Then after they’re dead I would decapitate them and run a spike through their heart to make absolutely sure they could never ever get a piece of Carl’s manmeat. That goes for you too, so don’t go getting any ideas.” She was dead serious.

I was seriously unsure of why she was in my therapy group. That sounded pretty evil to me. I needed to reconsider the sweet thing. She was making it increasingly difficult to be friends. I could have possibly gotten past the fact that she glued on facial hair but this was a deal breaker. Janet the Fake Bearded Lady had succeeded where many had failed. She had rendered me speechless. Not to mention implanted visions in my head that would take years of therapy to erase. I really tried to speak, but my voice was gone.

Janet giggled and braided the left side of her mustache. “I think mustard yellow paint would be lovely in your den.”

I nodded, still in shock.

“How about a mossy green in the bathroom, a candlelight yellow in the kitchen, and a warm peach in your bedroom?”

I nodded again. She could have said she was going to paint my entire house crap-brown or lime green and I would have nodded.

“Great!” She hopped up and hugged me, tickling my neck with her beard. It was not soft and silky. “It was soooo much fun talking to you. I’m going to go mix some paint, and if Carl’s in the van… ” She giggled. “Well, you know.”

Oh Holy Lucifer, unfortunately I did know. I watched in abject terror as Carl did lewd hip-hop moves all the way over to the van—followed by Janet, seductively twisting her gnarly beard with her stubby fingers.

“Carl’s really got moves,” a wistful voice behind me said.

I whipped around to find Myrtle watching Carl longingly as he and Janet raced to the van for their love fest.

“Myrtle, if I were you I’d stay away from Carl,” I said as I tried to save her from a sure death.

“Oh I know—Janet’s already beaten up twenty-two low level Demons and a zombie over Carl.”

“I heard she would mutilate and kill anyone who even looked at Carl,” I casually informed Myrtle, fearing for her life. It was difficult to kill a Demon, but Janet’s recipe would definitely work.

Myrtle laughed. “She wouldn’t really kill anyone—she’s too sweet for that. Plus, I don’t want Carl that way. I want to dance like he does.”

Weird didn’t even begin to describe that statement so I backtracked to something even weirder. “Did you just say zombie?”

“Yeah,” Myrtle said, “and you think we’re disgusting and gross.”

"I don't think you're disgusting or gross."

Myrtle peeked out from behind her hair and stared at me. She took a long pause and simply said, “Maybe you don't, but everyone else does. We’re the freak Demons—we’re not beautiful like the rest of you.” With that she picked up a hammer, stepped on instead of over Wolf Boy, and went back into my house.

Carl, Janet and Myrtle weren’t freaks, they were just alarming looking semi-violent Demons who had the same problems that I did. Well, some of the same problems. My father would kill me if he found out how much compassion I felt for others, including my violent and bizarre little therapy group. Truth be told, I liked my therapy group and I did fit in with them. Why was life so damn complicated? Myrtle was a person, no matter how stinkin’ weird she was or looked. She had feelings—they all did. I turned just in time to see the van roll over onto its side due to the disgusting and illicit activities within. Well, some of them did.

Chapter Four

My commissary disappearing act with my sister Sloth the other day had caused quite the stir. I was going for a low profile today. Being Satan’s daughter made it kind of difficult to blend in, but I tried. It was a little strange when underclassmen bowed to you, insisted on giving you their lunch money and offered to carry you. Not my books. Me. I shoved stuff into my messy locker and swore for the millionth time I’d clean it out.

“He’s going to the library.” Stella ran up and knocked me into my locker, causing an avalanche of the entire contents to come falling out.

I glared at her. “Stella, look at what you’ve done.”

“I did you a favor,” she retorted, grinning from ear to ear. “Now you don’t have to clean it. Did you hear what I said?” she panted, out of breath from her sprint down the hallway and her flying leap into me and my locker.

“No. I was busy getting nailed in the head by my History of Mortals textbook,” I sarcastically explained as I began to pick up the mess on the floor.

“I said he’s going to the library,” she repeated impatiently.

“Who’s going to the library?”

“Your boyfriend,” she yelled eagerly.

“Be quiet.” I rolled my eyes. “He’s not my boyfriend. I’ve barely ever talked to him.”

“That’s about to change.” She yanked me up by the arm and shoved me into the middle of the hallway. “Okay, Dixie,” she screeched at alarming decibels. “You go to the library like you said you were going to. You know, go to the library and… um… study. Okay? In the library, like you said.”

Everyone in the hallway stopped what they were doing to watch our exchange. I had never wanted to die so much in my entire life. And every bone in my body sensed that Hayden Black was standing right behind me.

“So you’re going to the library, Dixie?” Hayden chuckled, circling me until his entire beautiful self was standing in front of me.

“Um… well,” I started, flustered and mortified.

“Yes,” Stella shouted. “Dixie is definitely going to the library. She just said ‘Stella I’m going to study in the library’. That’s exactly what she just said. Just now.”

We had entered the realm of shitty sitcom. “Stella,” I hissed through clenched teeth.

“Yes?”

“You can stop shouting now.”

“Oh, right.” She laughed, clearly unashamed of her appalling behavior. “My bad.”

“Well, it just so happens I’m going to the library too.” He winked conspiratorially at Stella. “Can I walk with you?”

He turned his green gaze on me and waited for my answer. The speech part of my brain ceased to function. All I could do was stare at him like an idiot.

“Yes,” Stella chimed in and gave me a push. “She’d love to walk with you and maybe even sit at the same table, regain her power of speech and exchange a few words.”

Stella was evil. I gave her a look that would have scared most Demons to death. I was Satan’s daughter after all. She just stuck her tongue out at me and giggled. She was going to pay later.

“Shall we?” Hayden asked.

“Um… sure,” I stammered and started walking toward the library.

“Dixie.” Hayden’s silky voice stopped me.

“Yes?”

“Do you want to bring some work with you?” His eyes twinkled.

I looked down at my empty hands and for the second time in a matter of minutes I wished I was dead. “Yes,” I replied in a very businesslike manner. I made my way back to my locker, squatted down and picked up the first two things my fingers touched. “Okay.” I smiled, having no idea what was in my hands. “I’m ready.”

“Great.” He grinned. “I was born ready.”

* * *

Sitting across from each other in the Demon Magic section of the library, I stared at my fingernails while Hayden stared at me.

“Dixie,” he said softly. “Look at me.”

“I can’t.” I continued my love affair with my fingernails. “I get stupid when I look at you.”

“I find that extremely flattering and very sexy,” he said.

My eyes shot to his and my stomach dropped to my toes. “No, you don’t.”

“I do.” He captured my chin in his hands and forced my gaze to stay on his. “It’s not every day that the most gorgeous girl I’ve ever seen in my life gets all flustered around someone like me.”

“Are you kidding me?” I gasped. “Someone like you? You're the most… ” I slapped my hand over my mouth before I permanently destroyed any vestige of cool I might own by telling him I loved him and that I had memorized every single thing he’d worn to class—down to sock color—for the last three semesters.

“I’m the most what?” he asked quietly.

Change the subject, change the subject. “So why don’t you have a girlfriend?” Help me Cousin Jesus, did I just say that?

His grin was lopsided and the hottest thing I’d ever seen. “Haven’t found the right girl yet.”

“Oh.” I was usually more eloquent.

“I’m working on changing my status.” He let go of my chin and took my hands in his. I felt a tingle run through my fingers and all the way up my arms. Not only was I physically attracted to this guy, apparently I was chemically attracted too. “Do you have a boyfriend?”

“No.” I was caught in his web and couldn’t get away if my life depended on it. “I’m working on changing my status too,” I whispered. Was I flirting? Oh my Hell, I was. My sisters would be so proud.

His eyes flashed red with desire and his smile broadened in approval. “Am I in the competition?”

“Do you want to be?” I lowered my eyes and watched his thumb caress my knuckles. His hands were beautiful and strong, slightly calloused and very gentle.

“More than you’ll ever know,” he replied with such seriousness my eyes shot back up to his and my insides did a triple lutz.

Whoa Betty, I needed to slow down or I was going to tackle him to the ground and see if his lips were as soft and tasted as good as they looked. My entire body thumped like a heartbeat and the need to lean into him was overwhelming. I disengaged my hands from his and tried to regain some composure. His smirk made me think he could read every thought in my head.

“I’d like to take you to dinner,” he said, watching me closely.

Stella was going to freak. “But you don’t even know me.” I really wished the idiotic dumbass in my brain would stop talking.

“We could remedy that,” Hayden leaned in.

Hades, he smelled yummy. “How?”

“Well… ” He took my hands again. "We could ask each other questions.”

Damn, I was hoping he would say we could play tonsil hockey.

“What’s your favorite color?” he asked, drawing me back in.

“Green,” I quickly replied. The heat crawled up my neck as I realized I’d chosen the color of his eyes.

“Why’s that?” He tilted his head, very aware of my reasoning. I couldn’t speak. “Mine is gold,” he offered. His emerald green eyes bored into my gold.

“Is it hot in here?” I gasped as I pulled my hands back and put them in my lap.

“Nope.” He grinned, quite pleased with himself. “Tell me what you like.”

“Well… ” I needed some noncombustible territory here. I wasn't about to tell him I liked the way he filled out his jeans or that his mouth was beautiful and the way his muscular arms looked in his long sleeve t-shirt was making me weak. Nope, not going there. I decided to tell him about the real me. Which would probably end with him walking away in boredom, but… “I like animals, especially strays. I love to run. I adore my family and I read constantly.” I knew my tone was defensive, but I couldn’t help it. I waited for him to glaze over and fall asleep.

“I love to read,” he offered quietly.

“You do?” I was surprised.

“Does that shock you?”

“Well… ” I bit my lip in embarrassment. Hot guys could read too.

“Is it because I skip school, wear ripped jeans and go cliff diving that you think I’m illiterate?”

“That’s not what I meant,” I sputtered. My cheeks burned. How many times could a person want to die in one afternoon?

“Dixie, I’m teasing you,” he said gently.

“Oh… okay.” He had to think I was such a dumbass.

“I think you’re amazing and beautiful and sweet.” He walked around the table and sat right next to me. “I love to read. I collect first edition books. I have some that are thousands of years old.”

That piqued my interest. “Like what?” I adored old books. My father’s den was loaded with them. I’d spent a great amount of my childhood curled up in his den reading till my head spun.

“I have an original bound copy of The Beginning of Time.”

“Holy Hell, I didn’t know that even existed.”

“It does. I’d love to show it to you if you’d like.”

“I’d like.” I smiled. “What’s your biggest fear?” I asked. Now that the door was open, I wanted to know a few things about him. He might be hot, but maybe I wouldn't like him. Maybe he was a jerk…

“My biggest fear,” Hayden repeated as he ran his hands through his thick blond hair. “My biggest fear is being alone through all eternity.”

Damn, that was deep. I was going to say spiders.

“What’s something you dream about doing?” He changed the subject to something far lighter.

I took a long pause while I considered my answer. The first thing that came to my mind was silly, but if he could be that honest, so could I. “Flying,” I answered shyly. I knew Demons couldn’t fly, but that’s what I dreamed of. “I’ve always wanted to be able to fly. Sometimes when I run and I feel the wind race around me and through me and in me I pretend I’m flying.”

He was quiet for a moment, just watching. “Perfect,” he murmured softly. “Please, Dixie, let me take you to dinner tonight. I promise I’m a good guy and I like you a lot.”

“Hayden, do you know who my father is?” I assumed he did, but maybe not.

“Yes Dixie, I absolutely know who your father is.”

“And that doesn’t… um, bother you?”

“No, should it?”

Was he crazy? Everyone was terrified of my dad. Wait… Didn't Satan tell me to start being promiscuous? Something I had no intention of doing, but a date… I could go on a date. I wanted to go on a date. I’d never ever been on a date. No one had been brave enough to ask me. I wanted to go on a date with Hayden, and against all odds he wanted to go on a date with me.

“I’d love to go to dinner with you,” I blurted a little louder than I intended. I wanted to nail down my acceptance before he changed his mind.

“I’ll pick you up at seven.” He looked so happy I started to giggle.

“What should I wear?” I asked as my mind raced through my closet.

He got up, gathered his books and whispered in my ear. “Flying clothes. Wear your flying clothes, Dixie.”

Chapter Five

“I’m afraid to ask, but what in the Hell happened to your house?” Stella wrinkled her nose and put her hands on her slim hips.

We both looked around my bungalow in dismay. Only days ago it resembled a chic yet cozy high-end home of someone with excellent taste. Now it looked like a house decorated by someone on crack who’d gone to a yard sale.

I shook my head and grimaced. “I didn’t realize how bad it was.”

It was so bad it was almost funny. Almost. It would have been hilarious if I didn’t have to live in it.

“It’s pretty damn awful.”

“It’s a long story, but suffice it to say group therapy got a little violent,” I said.

“How does that explain the butt-ugly furniture?” She sat on my scary new lavender and green tartan plaid couch and bounced up and down. “Hmm, it’s appalling, but at least it’s comfortable.” She moved to the floral chair.

“Myrtle beat the crap out of the therapist over Simon Cowell's man boobs and then all Hell broke loose. They destroyed my house and everything in it, so they brought me new supplies. I hesitate to call it furniture.” I piled six outfits on my brand spankin’ new blonde pressboard dining room table. Stella was here to choose an ensemble for my date.

“Ooo,” Stella squealed as she clapped her hands gleefully. “She nailed the shrink?”

“Yep.” I grinned as I examined several pairs of jeans, wondering which ones Hayden would like the best.

“I always liked Myrtle. Do you want your old furniture back?” she asked as she ran her hands over the super-sized black lacquered Asian-style coffee table. Not only was it shiny, but painted right in the center was a large bloody fire-breathing dragon destroying a village of unsuspecting mortals. The stuff of which nightmares are made.

“I can’t get my old stuff back.” I sighed. “They demolished it. Besides, I don’t have the time or the energy to redecorate my entire house. I leave for Earth soon. I’ll get around to it eventually.”

“But,” Stella interjected. “If you could have it back in its original form… would you?”

What was she talking about? “Of course I would, but that’s impossible.”

Stella’s excitement was palpable. “Watch this,” she sang with delight.

She threw her arms into the air and lightening struck inside my small bungalow. I shrieked in terror while Stella cackled like a crazy woman. Every time she flailed her arms a new bolt of lightning struck and thunder roared through the house. The walls trembled and the floor buckled. Sparks flew and bounced off the walls like a meteor shower. I continued to scream until I realized with each crash of lightning the ugly furniture was being replaced with my beautiful old furniture. How in Satan’s name was she doing that?

The violent storm lasted about twenty minutes. When it ended, my home was perfect again. Stella flopped down on my chocolate velvet cushy couch and promptly passed out.

“Dude,” I gasped and poked her. “Are you asleep or dead?”

“Neither.” She refused to open her eyes. “Just exhausted. Did it work?”

“Yes, it worked,” I said as I moved around the room and touched all my stuff. No more scary plaids and florals. No more highly lacquered tables with scenes depicting death and destruction. It was elegant and comfortable.

A thick Persian rug covered the hardwood floors. Chocolate velvet mixed quietly with pale rose silks and creamy coffee linens. Dark hardwoods complemented rich brown leather. It was peaceful. It was mine again.

“How did you do it?” I eased her over and sat down next to her. She was wiped out. I gently pushed her hair back from her face and gave her an arm tickle.

“Ooo.” She happily sighed. “That feels good.”

We’d been giving each other arm and back tickles since first grade. Oftentimes we made it a contest. If you moved, flinched or giggled, you lost. The loser had to tickle the other person. Right now, it was purely for comfort.

“How,” I repeated, “did you do that?” I stared at my wiped out insane best friend.

She pried her eyes open and gave me an exhausted grin. “You like?”

“I like.” I grinned back. “Now explain.”

Stella slowly sat up and pulled her knees to her chest. “I got really mad at my dresser drawers the other day. You know, the one that’s three hundred years old. Literally.” Stella’s mom was an antiques freak. “Anyway, the stupid thing sticks and my underwear drawer wouldn’t open.” I nodded and waited. “I simply wished I had a new one and BAM—lightning struck and I got my wish.”

“What did your parents do?”

“They weren’t home.” She grinned evilly. “So I took the opportunity to redecorate the entire house.”

I pressed my lips together to keep from laughing. Didn’t work. Stella’s home was a grand mansion filled with antiques dating back thousands of years. I feared touching anything when I was over. It was very formal and quite honestly, cold. “What happened when they got back?”

“Dad was proud that my powers had arrived and Mom was pissed. Royally and spectacularly pissed. Apparently I got rid of some priceless antiques. Her head practically flew off.”

“Holy Hell.” I laughed and fell back on the couch.

Amusement flickered in her eyes as she continued, “After a showdown and a lot of threats, I re-conjured her icky old antiques, but not the dresser drawers.”

I popped back up and grabbed her hands. “What else can you do?”

A sinking feeling of jealousy reared its ugly little head inside me. I tamped it down quickly. I didn’t begrudge her magic, I just wanted some of my own. Stella was my best friend and I loved her. I was proud of her powers even if I was still power-free.

“That’s it so far,” she replied as she squeezed my hands reassuringly. “Dixie, don’t worry, your magic will come. Mine’s just a freakin’ parlor trick. Someday soon you will be a real power, just like the rest of your family.”

I hugged her tight. There were many reasons she was my best friend and always would be. She was beautiful inside and out.

“That’s a little more than just a parlor trick, my friend. You scared the living Hell out of me.” She looked entirely too pleased with herself so I punched her in the arm. “Have you done anything else?”

Stella’s laugh was infectious. I began laughing with her before I even knew what she was going to say.

“I changed the color of my mom’s car while she was getting her nails done,” she squealed. “It took her an hour in the parking lot to figure it out. She called the Demon Police and everything!”

She laughed with sheer joy and triumph. I joined her, but sobered as I realized I would have to leave her soon.

“Dixie, you are so lucky you get to live on your own.”

“Yeah, it’s great.” I smiled and lied.

Satan believed all his daughters should be independent. At sixteen I received many gifts, the bungalow being one of them. As lovely as it was to have my own space, I was lonely. The Dark Palace had been a wonderful place to grow up, but it was always so busy and filled with hundreds of Demons I didn’t know. As I got older I began to notice some of the murky and horrible things that often took place in the palace. We were in Hell after all. I was fairly sure my dad thought I’d be safer and happier in my little home. The truth was I longed for a family. A traditional family, even one as uptight as Stella’s.

“Sooo,” Stella said as she knocked me out of my pity party. "What hot sexy outfit are you going to wear tonight?”

“I was thinking about jeans,” I replied, moving toward the pile of clothes I laid out.

“Jeans?” She groaned in dismay as her eyes went wide with concern. “I was thinking more along the line of Prada or Gucci.”

“Nope.” I smiled. A warm glow settled in my chest as I thought about Hayden. “It sounds pretty casual. I don’t want to overdress.”

There was no way I was going to tell Stella he wanted me to wear flying clothes. Hell, I didn’t even know what that meant. I’d never told anyone about my desire to fly except Hayden and Blanche.

“You don’t think he’s going to take you cliff diving, do you?” Stella began to sort through the pile, discarding what she didn’t like.

“Lucifer, I hope not.” I prayed that wasn’t his idea of flying. Nevertheless, I was definitely wearing jeans.

Stella pulled a rockin’ pair of dark brown Doc Maarten combat boots, a pair of True Religion jeans, a sleeveless, sheer pale mocha flowing top with a lacy chocolate camisole for underneath. Kind of delicate, feminine biker chick.

“You will be totally hot in this,” she decided. “He’ll be on his knees. Your boobs and ass will be amazing.”

“Maybe I should wear something else.”

“Nope.” Stella laid down the law. “It’s this or you go naked.”

“Fine.” It was absolutely no use to go against Stella once she had her mind made up. With her new powers she could probably dress me however she desired. Furthermore, she had a great fashion sense and I liked what she picked out.

“Go take a shower,” she commanded. “Use that lemony grapefruity shampoo.” She plopped back down on my couch and grabbed the remote. “I’m going to watch me some South Park. I love those guys.”

I rolled my eyes and left her to her program.

* * *

An hour later I was ready. Clean, dressed and nervous as Hell. I never wore much makeup, but Stella insisted on mascara, a little blush and some pale pink sparkly lip gloss. I glanced in the mirror and liked what I saw. Stella was a genius and she wasn’t afraid to remind me repeatedly. She repaired my chipped black nail polish with some quick dry stuff she had in her purse. We agreed to let my hair fall loose and wild. I did feel pretty and was grateful she was here.

I let myself go to that bad place for a moment realizing Stella was doing all the things a mother should be doing. Motherless children often ached for a maternal figure, I had read. I needed to get over it and buck up and be grateful for what I did have… and I was grateful. Not everyone had a father who loved them, a ton of sisters that they adored for the most part and the greatest best friend in the universe.

“Damn girl, you are so pretty it makes my teeth hurt.” Stella admired her handiwork.

“Shut up,” I groaned. The reality of what I was about to do hit me. “I think I’m going to hurl.”

I sat down on one of the dining room chairs and put my head between my knees. Stella rubbed my back and made tsking noises.

“I believe I told you to shut up,” I mumbled from between my legs. “I can’t do this. I need to call him and tell him not to come.” I shot up and searched for my cell phone.

I spotted it on the coffee table. As I went to grab it, lightning struck and it turned into a banana.

“Stella!” I screamed. “Turn it back. Are you trying to ruin my life?”

“Nope,” she informed me unsympathetically. “I’m trying to help you get a life.”

“You suck.” I sat down on the coffee table with the banana and pouted.

“You suck,” she retorted as she unsuccessfully tried to suppress her laughter.

"It’s not funny,” I yelled, attempting to bite back the smile that was threatening to split my face.

"You need to stop dating BOB."

"Bob?" Who was she talking about? I wasn't dating anyone named Bob…

"Your battery operated boyfriend," she replied with an evil grin.

I blushed from head to toe. "I like BOB," I muttered.

“Dixie, do you like Hayden?” Stella’s voice grew very serious.

I ran my hands through my wild mass of hair and sighed. “Yes, I like him. I’m afraid I like him too much. Every time he touches me I feel a jolt of electricity shoot through me and I’m terrified I’m going to say something mortifying.”

“There’s a good chance you’ll say something dumb,” Stella agreed.

“Thanks for the vote of confidence.” I laid back on the coffee table and peeled the banana. “Is this edible?”

“Totally,” she assured me. “Look, if you’re worried about being stupid, just let him do most of the talking. Ask him questions about himself. Guys love to talk about themselves. By the way, Little Missy, this is not just about if he likes you. You are also free to figure out if you really like him,” she said with authority.

“Where’d you learn all that?”

“Cosmo.”

“Does that apply to Demons? That’s a mortal magazine,” I said with a mouth full of banana.

“A guy is a guy is a guy. Mortal, Demon, Angel, whatever.”

Stella stood up to leave. She walked over to my landline and ripped it out of the wall. I groaned.

“I’m simply saving you from yourself,” she smugly informed me. “Your cell phone and land line will be fixed by the time you get home so you can call me and thank me for making you go.” She curtsied and walked to the front door.

“Hey Stella,” I called.

“Yep?”

“Thank you.”

She smiled and left.

Chapter Six

I knew he was here. No sound, no purr of an engine, no beep of a horn… I felt it. It was as if I was connected to him on some bizarre level. It completely freaked me out. My heart beat faster and I was short of breath. I wondered for a brief moment if I was having a panic attack, but the feeling of perfect calm amidst the storm in my mind made me realize I wasn’t panicked at all. I couldn’t name what I was feeling. I’d never felt it before.

Holy Hell, if I was this much of a mess before I saw him I was worried I’d self-combust in his actual presence.

The soft knock at the door jerked me back to reality. Adrenalin shot through my veins. I jumped up and ran to the front door, took two deep breaths and opened it.

Hayden stood in the doorway, hands in his jean pockets wearing a faded green t-shirt that made his eyes appear more emerald than the jewel. His beauty stole my breath and I was grateful I had the door to hold me up.

“Hi Dixie." He smiled and I melted. “You look beautiful.”

My voice decided to take a vacation. I stood there and mutely stared at him.

He chuckled and extended his hand. “Are you ready?”

“Yes,” I whispered. Hades, I sounded like a baby. I cleared my throat. "Yes, I’m ready. Do you think I’ll need a jacket?” I asked, trying to behave like a rational, mature twenty-one year old woman.

“I’ve got one in the truck if you get cold.” He nodded to his big black pickup truck.

Dang, I love pickup trucks. Was there anything I was going to discover about this guy I didn’t like? I somehow doubted it. He took my hand and a tingle shot up my arm.

“Did you feel that?” I gasped.

“Yep.” He held my hand tighter so I couldn’t pull away.

“What was that?”

“Not sure, but I like it a lot.” He grinned and pulled me along.

I giggled and followed him to the truck.

The interior was black, buttery custom leather and the truck smelled like him. I took a deep breath to commit his scent to memory. If I kept acting like an ass, I feared this would be my one and only date with him. I needed to remember every detail.

He got in the truck. I kept my eyes glued straight ahead, afraid if I glanced at him I would say something stupid like “I love you.” I waited for the engine to rev up, but nothing happened. I felt his gaze on me. It made me both happy and uncomfortable.

I peeked over at him. “Is everything okay?”

“Yep,” he replied.

“Is the truck… um, broken?” I asked.

“Nope.”

“Oh, okay.”

He continued to stare.

Did he change his mind about the date? I felt sick. Should I get out and go back inside? Should I say thank you and shake his hand before I get out? Stella would know what to do. Maybe I should ask him questions about himself. I was a little unsure about putting my dating skills into the hands of Cosmo magazine, but I certainly wasn't doing well with my own skill set. I didn’t have any freakin’ skills. Questions. I’d ask him questions.

I plastered a smile on my face and turned my body toward his to start my interrogation. I opened my mouth to speak, but the intensity of his stare rendered me speechless.

“I love looking at you.” His voice was smokey and my heart lurched.

“You do?” The dreaded heat began to crawl up my neck.

“I do,” he said. “You make me feel happy and strange and nervous and excited.”

My wildly beating heart was the only thing I could hear. This could go one of two ways—I could laugh and act like he made a great joke or I could be honest.

“You make me feel all those things too,” I said softly. My eyes dropped to his mouth.

“You scare the Hell out of me, Dixie, in the best way possible.”

His breath smelled delicious and it took everything I had not to slam him against the door to taste him. “You scare me too, so we’re even.”

He exhaled an overly dramatic sigh. “Well, now that we got that out of the way, we can relax and have a great time. Okay?” His eyes were full of amusement as they searched mine.

“Okay,” I agreed. “Where are we going?”

“It’s a surprise.”

* * *

The drive took about forty-five minutes down winding roads I’d never traveled before. My voice came back with a vengeance. Thankfully it was mutual. I kept forgetting how handsome he was because he was so smart and funny. We talked about movies, books, music, school, drunk teachers and how the Underworld was the greatest place in the universe.

I told him how Ernest Hemingway scared the Hell out of me when I was five by describing bullfighting in graphic bloody detail. Of course Hemingway resided in Heaven but was quite fond of the atmosphere in Hell. Satan and Hemingway were known to go at each other with gusto and pitcher after pitcher of mojitos with the occasional Cuban cigar thrown in. Hayden sheepishly informed me that Gone With the Wind was one of his all time favorites, so I let him off the hook by professing my love for Barry Manilow.

We argued theology and laughed about the mortals’ obsession with Vampyres. I giggled so hard I snorted when he imitated movie scenes depicting Demons. Rosemary’s Baby and The Exorcist were the best. My snort made him laugh so hard he had to pull over. I felt my face grow hot, but my embarrassment disappeared as he swore to me it was cute and begged me to do it again. I refused, called him an asswipe and punched him in the arm, which only made him laugh harder.

Cosmo magazine was full of it. I didn’t need to grill him about himself. I just need to be me. I only stopped breathing a couple of times when I caught him staring with something in his eyes that looked like wonder.

“We’re here,” he said, his excitement was contagious.

“Where’s here?” I peered out the window.

We were parked at the edge of a monster field of wildflowers. There was no moon, but the stars were out and bathed the scene before me with a soft glittery glow. It was exquisite.

“Is there a restaurant here?”

“I brought the restaurant with us." He gave me an irresistible grin.

“Okay.” I was confused.

“Come on.” He got out of the truck and went around to the back.

He handed me a soft blanket and pulled out a large cooler. “Follow me,” he instructed.

I did. If he had told me to stand on my head and yodel, I would have done that too.

He spread the blanket on the ground and opened the cooler. It was filled with all sorts of yummy food. He laid out plates and napkins, patted the ground next to him and waited for me to join.

Was I nuts? I was alone with a guy I barely knew in the middle of nowhere. It was an awfully pretty flower field middle of nowhere, but nowhere nonetheless. The flowers were not the prettiest thing here… he was, but that was beside the point. I was having insane urges to touch him and my stomach was flipping around like it was hosting an international gymnastics competition. This was a recipe for disaster.

My body tensed and I considered running away, but I had no idea where we were. My grip was tenuous at best on all of the emotions ping ponging around inside me. Just as I was about to give into my fear and run, he started to sing one of my favorite Barry Manilow songs… badly.

“Oh Dixie, well you came and you gave without taking, but I sent you away

Oh Dixie, well you kissed me and stopped me from shaking

And I need you today, oh Dixie…”

“Stop,” I laughed, and dove toward him to cover his mouth with my hand. “You’re destroying Barry!”

I tripped over the blanket and onto Hayden. I knocked him to his back and ended up right on top of him, nose to nose. Time stopped along with my breathing capabilities. My world was right and I felt happy. I was safe all tangled up in his big strong body. I knew my eyes were beginning to glitter with tears. It was so perfect that it scared the Hell out of me. Way more than Ernest Hemingway did when I was five.

“You don’t like my singing?” he whispered, our lips almost touching.

“Um, no. It was awful."

His green eyes sparkled in the starlight and he took a shaky breath. Was he as affected as I was? Did he feel the same things?

“You’ve mortally wounded me,” he teased. “My secret ambition is to be a rock star.”

“You’re going to need to rethink that one.”

My voice sounded wobbly to my own ears and my eyes were glued to his mouth. I carefully eased away and attempted to squash down my raging hormones. Wasn’t working.

Disappointment flashed in his eyes. I couldn’t tell if it was because I moved or because I had insulted his singing. He didn’t try to stop my retreat, which was a relief. Kind of.

“Are you hungry?” he asked, sitting up, seemingly unaware of my inner turmoil. He moved to the cooler.

“Sure,” I replied as I removed imaginary lint from my jeans. I watched him through lowered lashes and picked at my manicure. I thought about sitting on my hands to keep from reaching for him, but I worried that might look weird.

“What do you want?” He held up two sandwiches. “I’ve got turkey and gouda or ham and brie. I also have cheese and crackers, bruschetta, wine, strawberries and dark chocolate.”

I wasn’t sure I could keep food down with the circus performing in my stomach, but I was hungry. I certainly didn’t want him to think I was one of those girls who didn’t eat. I loved to eat. “Ham, please.”

“Coming right up,” he smiled. He made two heaping plates. I grabbed a glass of wine and my plate and dug in.

“Mmm,” I said after taking a bite of my sandwich. “This is amazing. Where’d you get it?”

“I made it,” he told me as he bit into his own.

“Really?”

“Dixie,” he laughed. “You’re going to give me a complex. First you think I’m illiterate and now you’re shocked I can make a sandwich.”

“I’m sorry, it’s just that you’re so… ” I stopped, unable to tell him how beautiful and amazing and smart and funny I thought he was.

“Just because I’m Satan’s gift to women.” He grinned evilly and flexed his considerable muscles. “Doesn’t mean I’m as dumb as a box of hair,” he teased as he continued to flex and make ridiculous sound effects.

“I don’t think you’re dumb at all,” I protested, rolling my eyes at his macho display. “You just keep surprising me.”

“In a good way?” He tilted his head and ran his finger down my arm.

My arm tingled with his energy. “In a very good way.”

We ate in silence. A gentle breeze caressed my bare arms and flowers danced in the field like colorful little fairies. I was happy. I kept stealing glances at the beautiful boy who made amazing sandwiches. Every time I peeked, he was staring at me.

“Do you want anything else?” Hayden asked.

Boy, there’s a loaded question. “Um… no, I’m good.”

Dots of brilliant purple light quietly filled the grass and trees and sky. Fireflies glowed purple in Hell. Some were a lighter violet and others boasted a deep indigo. The trees looked like they’d been strung with sparkling amethyst. They were my favorites. I put my hand out to catch one, but Hayden was quicker.

“Here you go.” He delicately placed the fragile bug in my hand. “A sapphire for the Princess.”

“Thank you, my loyal subject,” I uttered grandly, behaving like some of my older sisters who thought they were the bomb. “Hayden.” I bit my lower lip to hide my smile. “You have mustard on your mouth.”

“No, I don’t,” he shot back in mock offense.

“Yes, you do.”

“Where?” he demanded.

“On your lip,” I said, pointing to my own.

“On your lip?”

“No, dorko.” I laughed. “On yours.”

“Come and show me,” he challenged. One side of his mouth lifted into the sexiest smirk ever. “I dare you.”

“You should know better than to dare one of Satan’s daughters, pretty boy,” I informed him as I crawled across the blanket toward him. He tensed as I neared and his eyes went from emerald to red. He had never been more beautiful, mustard and all. “Should I use my finger or my tongue?” I asked silkily.

Holy Hell, when did my inner ho-bag decide to show up? My dad would be so proud.

“Your finger would be fine,” his voice was husky. “But your tongue would be much better.”

“Tongue it will be.” I leaned into him, knowing my golden eyes had turned as blood red as his. The power I felt was overwhelming. I was scaring myself silly, but I had no desire to stop. I wanted to press my lips and my body to his from the very first moment I saw him. If he never called again because my inner slut had taken over my body, then his loss. Besides, I was only going to kiss him.

I very carefully ran my tongue along his bottom lip. He inhaled sharply at the contact. His body was as tight as a coil about to spring.

I pulled back and smiled. “Good mustard.”

“I think you might have missed a little,” he replied in a tone that sent shivers through me.

“You think?” I didn’t move an inch.

“I think.” He stayed as still as I did.

Ball was in my court. I slowly closed the slight distance between us and pressed my lips to his. It was magic. A hot spiral of something unfamiliar made my bones feel watery. I grasped his broad shoulders for balance.

He didn’t stick his tongue down my throat or try to grab me anywhere inappropriate. His kisses were featherlight and his tongue gently traced the fullness of my bottom lip. My heart hammered furiously and I knew I was a goner. He cupped my face in his strong hands and pressed soft kisses on my lips, my nose, my cheeks and my eyes. I was dizzy and falling madly in love.

“Dixie,” he moaned. “We have to stop.”

“Why?” I touched my forehead to his.

“Because I want you to fall for my intellect and charm before I let you ravish my body.”

I giggled and brushed my fingertips along his cheekbones and jaw. “What if I only want you for your hot bod?”

He chuckled, “I won’t be used that way. Well… maybe once or twice.” He grinned. “I’m looking for something lasting. I plan to make you fall head over heels, no turning back in love with me.”

I knew he was joking, but I was already there.

He kissed me once more and my toes curled. He stood and pulled me to my feet.

“I want to make one of your dreams come true.”

“You kind of already have,” I said, unable to tear my eyes away. I leaned into him and laid my head on his chest. I tentatively wrapped my arms around him. He was so broad my hands didn’t touch.

“Oh Dixie, you’re killin’ me.” His voice was unsteady.

“Really?” I was amazed I had the power to make such a strong man so vulnerable.

“Really.” He reluctantly pulled away and held me at arms’ length.

“I’ll race you to the pond,” he challenged.

“What pond?” All I could see was flowers.

“It’s two miles that way.” He pointed across the beautiful field.

“What’s at the pond?”

“One of your dreams,” he smiled.

“You’re on.”

Chapter Seven

We ran through the field with wild abandon. The wind whipped through my hair and I felt free. All Demons were blessed with speed, but my speed was unusual. To the human eye, I completely disappeared. To the Demon eye, I looked like a blur.

I was amazed and delighted Hayden could keep up with me. Then I got pissed when I discovered he was beating me. Then he vanished.

He was sitting nonchalantly on the ground near the pond, legs crossed, hands behind his head with a big smile on his face. With both hands on my hips I slowly circled him. My eyes narrowed as he basked in his victory.

“How did you do that?” I continued to circle him.

“I’m fast.” He grinned.

“No,” I corrected him. “I’m fast.”

“But I’m faster.” He hopped up, grabbed me and swung me in a circle.

“Put me down, you cheater,” I shrieked, trying to stifle my laughter.

He put me down and I took in my surroundings. It was unlike anything I’d ever seen. The pond shimmered as if covered in a thin layer of diamonds. Huge weeping willow trees with giant crimson flowers adorning them blew in the breeze. Wildflowers dotted the bank, but it was the smell. I couldn’t find words to describe it. The closest words were wind, summer rain and promise, but even that didn’t do it justice.

“What is this place?” I whispered reverently.

“It’s my home,” he smiled and took my hand.

“You live here?”

“Well, not exactly here." He laughed. "I have a house about ten miles away, but this is part of my property.”

“Do you live with your parents?” I realized I knew nothing about his family.

“No, my dad gave up on me a long time ago and my mom is gone.”

His matter of fact tone didn’t hide his sadness.

“I’m so sorry,” I sputtered. “I didn’t know.”

He squeezed my hand and pulled me into a hug. “It’s okay, Dixie. It’s been a long time. I’m good.”

“Do you have any brothers or sisters?”

“I have a brother, but we’re not close. I haven’t seen him in years.” He paused. “This is getting too serious. I’m starting to sound pathetic to my own ears.” He grinned. His mood abruptly changed from pensive to silly. He picked me up and carried me to the edge of the pond.

“If you throw me in,” I threatened. “I will make your life a living Hell for all eternity.”

His eyes twinkled with mischief. “That hadn’t occurred to me, but now that you mention it...”

I wrapped my arms around him in a vise-like hold. If I was going in, he was coming along for the ride.

“Dixie?”

“Yes?” My face was buried in his neck. His scent was making my tummy tingle.

“First of all, I would never throw you in the pond, and second, you’re cutting off my circulation.”

“Whoops.” I grinned and eased up on my hold. “Where’s my dream,—or was that just a story you made up so you could kick my ass in the race?”

He laughed joyously and gently pushed my hair out of my face. “No Dixie, your dream is right here. I simply have to show you.”

“So show me.” I was getting a little nervous. I had no clue what he was going to do.

“Can you keep a secret?” he whispered against my hair.

Little fissions of magic whooshed through my body and I felt lightheaded. I wasn't sure if I caused it or if he did.

“I can keep a secret,” I assured him.

“You can’t tell anyone or question me about it.”

What in Hades was he about to show me? “I won’t,” I said, wondering if this was such a good idea. He was making me nervous.

“Promise?”

“Promise,” I whispered. If he killed me, at least I’d already kissed him.

Hayden put me down and took a few steps back. “Close your eyes, Dixie,” he instructed.

I did.

As soon as my lids shut, an absurd amount of magic filled the air. I’d grown up around magic and power and I knew the real deal when it happened. This was the real deal. I felt raw, alive and alarmed. What in Satan’s name was he doing to create such a strong enchantment?

“Open your eyes.” His voice was deeper and sexier. Like that was even possible.

I slowly opened my eyes and I gasped. This couldn’t be real. I closed my eyes and reopened them to make sure they weren’t playing tricks on me. They weren’t. My knees buckled and I sank to the ground. He was glorious—I’d never seen anything so magnificent in my life.

“Are you trying to impress me?” I asked, awestruck.

“Maybe,” he replied. “Is it working?”

“And then some.”

His eyes were closed and his arms were outstretched, reaching to the sky. His shirt was gone and his body seemed to glow, but that wasn't what astonished me.

He had wings.

Huge, breathtaking golden blond wings that matched his hair. They shimmered like spun gold in the starlight and blew gently in the breeze.

I stood up on wobbly legs and approached him. His eyes stayed closed, but a smile touched his lips. I circled him again, but this time in shock and reverence.

I felt small and inconsequential compared to the beautiful creature that stood before me. Magic hung thick in the air. I walked slowly around him to really see his wings.

“You can touch me, Dixie,” he coaxed. His voice was richer and more seductive. My already weak knees weakened some more. He sounded older and wiser, but I knew he was still Hayden.

I reached out and stroked his wings. He sighed in contentment. They were soft. Softer than cashmere, softer than puppy fur, softer than anything I’d ever touched. I ran my hands through them as tears poured down my cheeks.

“Why are you crying?” Hayden turned his body, his face full of concern.

“You’re so beautiful,” I murmured, stepping back from him. The very air around him was electric. How could someone like him possibly want someone like me?

“Don’t back away from me, Dixie,” his voice was soft. “Not now. Not like this.” He held his arms out to me.

I didn’t hesitate or even think. I ran right into his arms, the only place I ever wanted to be again. The tension left his body as he wrapped his arms and wings around me.

“Would you like to fly with me?” he asked, still holding me tight.

“More than I’ve ever wanted anything in my life,” I whispered.

* * *

Not in my wildest dreams could I have imagined what it really felt like to fly.

I laid on his back, my arms around his neck and my legs around his waist. I nestled between his downy wings. My heart beat so loudly I was sure he could hear it.

“Are you okay?” he asked. I heard the smile in his voice.

“I don’t know,” I admitted.

“We’re not even in the air yet.” He laughed.

“I know.” I was grateful he couldn’t see the blush that had covered my whole face. “It’s just that… um, I’m not sure what I’ll dream about anymore.”

“You’ll dream about me, Dixie,” he said so quietly I wasn’t positive I heard him correctly.

His wings expanded with a whoosh. They had to be six feet of gleaming gold on either side. His skin felt hot to my touch and the feeling of anticipation skittered down my spine like little mice. He took several running steps toward the pond and we were airborne.

I shrieked with delight as we glided low over the water and I felt his body shake with laughter.

“Go higher,” I urged, locking my knees around him tighter. His feathers tickled my nose so I raised my head. The view was tremendous.

We soared up like a roller coaster and my tummy dropped. I squealed in sheer terror and joy. The wind roared through my hair and his wings. The ground below looked like a fairy tale, moving and sparkling in the starlight.

The beat of his wings was reminiscent of a calming metronome. I let one of my hands loose and ran it through his hair.

“None of that, Little Missy. I’ll lose my concentration.”

“Sorry.” I giggled and wrapped myself back around his neck.

The peace and happiness I felt was new to me. I was meant to fly. In my heart I’d always known. I just never knew it would take a beautiful boy with golden wings and green eyes to get me there.

We soared so high the stars were our traffic. Wanting desperately to touch one, I reached out. Although I knew they were millions of miles away, I swear I felt their heat. He rolled and dipped, flying at extreme heights and almost touching the ground. I held on for dear life. Even though I knew a fall wouldn’t kill me unless I got decapitated on the way down, I didn’t want to let go of him. I loved the way his body felt under mine. It was sinful.

We flew for hours. I was positive I’d have no voice tomorrow for all the screaming and laughing I did. The terrain below began to look familiar. We were at my house. He landed smoothly in my front yard. I hopped off, ran around to his front and threw myself into his arms.

“That was the most amazing thing I’ve ever done,” I babbled. “It was beautiful and you’re beautiful and I… ” I stopped abruptly. Hell’s Bells, I was about to tell him I loved him.

“You what?” Hayden bent down so we were nose to nose.

I couldn’t think straight with him so close. “I… um, I don’t know.” I pulled back a little bit so my brain would work. I touched his lips and gently ran my fingertips back and forth. “This was the best night of my life.”

He closed his eyes and leaned into my touch. “Mine too.”

“Really?”

“Yes Dixie, really, really.” He chuckled. “Would you like something to remember it by?”

“Yes.” I knew even without a memento I’d remember this night forever.

He removed a small feather from his wing and handed it to me. It glistened in my hand like a jewel.

“Thank you.” I would treasure it forever. “I’ll see you at class tomorrow?”

“No,” he said regretfully, tucking my windblown hair behind my ears. “I have to take care of something tomorrow, but I’ll see you on Friday.”

My disappointment was embarrassing, but it seemed to make him happy.

“It’s only one day.” He pulled me into a tight hug. “I promise I’ll be thinking about you the entire time we’re apart.”

“Okay,” I said as I tried to hide my disappointment.

He lifted my chin and brushed his mouth against mine. My lips tingled with need. “Go inside now.”

“Your truck,” I remembered. “It’s at the field. How will you get home?”

Hayden laughed and spread his wings. “I have several modes of transportation.”

Hades, after an entire night of amazing, I had to end it with something stupid. “Right,” I murmured.

“Dixie.” He stopped me as I was about to go into my little house. “Tonight was perfect. You are perfect and I’ve never been so happy in my life.”

My breath caught in my throat. He gave me one last intense kiss, turned and flew into the night.

He was right. It was perfect.

I felt his absence keenly and my cozy bungalow made me more lonely than ever. I grabbed my now working cell phone and quickly texted Stella a big thank you and a semi play by play of the highlights minus the flying part. I wandered to my room and crawled into my bed fully dressed. I clutched my feather to my chest and fell asleep.

That night I dreamt about flying, but for the first time in my life… I wasn’t flying alone.

Chapter Eight

Class was boring without Hayden there. I found myself unable to concentrate on anything academic. My father would be delighted. Stella had a field day giving me crap, but nothing could rip my mind from reliving the most beautiful night of my life. Well, nothing except another round of group therapy.

Due to the fact that we were scheduled to leave Hell soon, we'd graduated from therapy to combat training. As usual anything we did turned into a royal cluster… and of course we were back at my bungalow.

Not having heard Carl speak much in the months I'd known him, I remembered why when he tried to persuade the group to take up hip-hop instead of combat.

"You thould all realithe that fighting ith dangerouth and hip-hop ith good cardio," he explained as he busted a few moves, trying to impress.

"I really don't think hip-hop will protect us from Angels and all sorts of other things that will want to kill us on Earth," Myrtle volunteered as she tried to imitate Carl's moves.

"Angels really want to kill us?" I asked in a strangled voice.

"Sweet Lucifer's bouncing balls, of course they do! Angels, other Demons and Hell knows what else," Janet chimed in happily.

Why she was happy was a mystery, but I was not. "Guys, what would you say if we decided not to go to Earth and we just stayed in Hell and opened a dance school?"

Carl looked intrigued, but Janet and Myrtle shook their heads impatiently.

"No. Satan has said Earth and to Earth we shall go," Janet declared.

"Your dad may be a whack job, and please don't tell him I said that, but he's been around for millions and knows the score. If he's sending us there it's for a reason. And I prefer to keep my head," Myrtle said.

"What if we open a danth thcool on Earth?" Carl suggested as he did a tremendously horrid split leap that made my groin hurt.

"I don't want to go," I said quietly. "I have no power yet."

I wondered if this new wrinkle would cause a violent episode. I knew if they demolished my house again Stella would come to my rescue. My odd little group didn’t even seem to notice the bungalow had reverted back to its former glory or even care that I was powerless aside from a few normal Demon tricks. Whatever. I hadn’t been able to figure out a kind way to dump them and I wasn’t sure I really wanted to. So here we all sat back in my bungalow debating kick lines as opposed to kickboxing.

"Your power will come," Carl said gently. My nutty group surrounded me protectively. "Bethides." He grinned evilly. "We've been holding out on you."

"Wait. What?"

"Carl," Janet admonished as she put her stubby little hands on her cute curvy little hips.

"Jutht remember, what the eye theeth is not alwayth true."

"Enough," Myrtle mumbled grumpily. "I like my life even if you don't. Can it."

"Besides, if you think Hell is safe… " Janet muttered worriedly.

"Why does everyone know more than I do?" I demanded, tired of all the cryptic bullshit I had dealt with my entire life.

Carl smiled. He actually had beautiful teeth and cute dimples, but the lisp. Hoo baby, now I knew why he preferred to communicate through interpretive dance. On Earth he could have had speech therapy, but in Hell you were stuck with what you got.

"Pathienth is a virtue and withdom cometh with time and maturity," he said as he patted my head like a dog.

At loath to admit it, he might be right. I hadn't behaved like the grown woman I'd become. I was stuck in adolescence. Could I change? Did I have a choice?

"We're Demons. We are born of Hell and sin. We are destined to make sure the balance of good and evil remains. Without one the other distorts and becomes the end of the world. Simple and impossible," Myrtle stated.

When in the Hell did she get so smart? Had they really been holding out on me?

We'd all been born in Hell. However there were different levels in Hell, same as Heaven, from what I’d heard. The lowest level, or the Basement, was truly horrifying. That was the Hell from nightmares. The Hellfire and brimstone, screaming in agony, burning for eternity Hell. That was where the very evil went when they died. They were punished in fire until the end of time. Nobody could give me a definition on what the end of time actually meant. You would assume that my dad or his brother God would have an idea on that one, but if they did they were incredibly tight lipped. I’d never been to the Basement and I never planned on going. A couple of my sisters, the ones from the seventh and eighth centuries, seemed to enjoy visiting the Basement, but it just wasn’t for me.

The next level up was the Sub-Basement, another place I’d never been. The Sub-Basement was for lesser evil souls when they died. There was fire there too, just not as hot. The lucky people who resided there were not quite bad enough for the Basement, but not quite good enough for Purgatory. I knew many doubted Purgatory, but it existed. I’d been there and trust me, you don’t want to go. It’s boring and beige, it smells stale and they play bad cheesy elevator music twenty-four seven..

There was also an area in the Sub-Basement that my dad preferred to ignore. It was an area where souls did penance so they could leave Hell and ascend to Purgatory… then possibly Heaven. It was a major long shot, but there were some who I did think ended up in Hell by mistake. Not that I would share that with my dad—my outstanding grades were about all he could take. The flip side of that was that some in Purgatory end up becoming violent and had to descend into Hell. Personally I think the constantly piped in elevator music caused some souls to snap. It would make me want to tear my own head off.

And then there was the main floor—where we all had been born. It was as big as the United States, but most the action took place in the northeast corner in an area about the size of Washington D.C. This was where the Demons lived. We were born in Hell and we were the loyal army of Satan, my dad. Many Demons took the portals back and forth to Earth for pleasure and work. I'd never been allowed to go. Besides, I’d rather stay in Hell with my family no matter how dysfunctional we might be.

It was a huge misconception that my father created all the chaos and evil on Earth. Mortals were given free will by my Uncle God, and they created evil all by their lonesome. My dad got to punish the you know what out of those idiots who choose to be heinously bad. And quite honestly some of them deserved my dad’s wrath. He loved his job.

Another misconception is that Hell is below and Heaven is above. What does that even mean? Nothing is up or down, that’s just human mythology. Most likely the mistake was made because Hell was occasionally called the Underworld. Hell and Heaven are simply on different planes, accessible through portals. Earth was modeled after a combination of the seasons, climates and terrains of Heaven and Hell. We all shared the same moon and sun and stars.

I’d been raised to be grateful to evil-doers, because without them Demons would not exist. Demons derived their power and magic from the chaos and evil of others. So while we don’t necessarily cause it, we thrive on it or feed on it so to speak. Lest anyone forget, my dad’s brother God dealt out the free will thing, not my dad. And now to combat his error in judgment, God and his army of Angels keep trying to end evil so my dad and his people, including me, will cease to exist. No offense, but God really screwed himself by letting men and women choose their own paths. If he wanted everyone to be good, he should have come up with a better plan. My dad finds this particular subject hilarious.

I was the black sheep of my family. There was my dad, me and the Seven Deadly Sins. My dad had been around since time began, and as history implied he was quite the ladies man. It was an irony that he had no sons, but as I learned in sex ed, the sperm determines the sex of the child so my dad was to blame for the overload of estrogen in Hell. However, his pregnant consort Amanda was possibly pregnant with a boy. That small fact could upset the hierarchy in Hell and had sent the Sins into a tailspin, especially my sister Wrath.

After a particularly violent and ugly episode where she'd tried to off Amanda and failed thanks to my cousin Astrid, she'd been punished—harshly. She and two of my other screw-up sisters, Lust and Greed, had been sent to Nirvana to be taught a lesson by Mother Nature. My stomach roiled at the thought. I knew Gigi liked me, but punishment by her hand even scared my dad.

My black sheep status stemmed from my inability to derive pleasure from evil. I assumed that was why I had no power or magic. This infuriated my dad to no end. He told me I had the potential to be the strongest of all his children. That was definitely a responsibility I didn’t want. My punishment, as I saw it, was to attend group therapy to learn to become a harbinger of evil.

Well, I suppose everyone had to start somewhere. "I'm ready to kick some ass," I blurted to the shocked trio.

Myrtle grinned with excitement. "Now you're talking."

I prayed silently to my cousin Jesus that I wouldn't regret my new and improved attitude and that I'd be able to walk later.

Chapter Nine

I was sore and bruised, but amazingly I'd held my own—or they'd just taken it easy on me. Carl punched like a bomb and Myrtle was no slouch. The big surprise was Janet. She was the reason I would have difficulty sitting for a few days. As a Demon I healed fast, but a beating is a beating. The pride they took in the black eyes and bruised ribs I dished out was encouraging, but I felt terrible for injuring them. And now on top of everything I'd been summoned to the Dark Palace for a party. My father's shindigs were infamous and I hoped to Hell I wasn't going to be featured this evening. Being summoned to the Dark Palace was not always a good sign. More often than not it was a very bad sign.

The Dark Palace was Satan’s main residence and the home I grew up in. It was a sight to behold, and to me it was the loveliest place in Hades. It was nestled on about a thousand acres of the most beautiful and fertile property in Hell. Trust me, Hell was fertile and I’m not talking about the fact that I have seven sisters and a sibling on the way… Our climate was warm, breezy and balmy year round. Hell had more varieties of exotic plants, trees and flowers than Heaven did. My dad shoved that in his brother's face every chance he had.

The palace property was loaded with streams, ponds, rolling hills and meadows filled with blindingly colorful wildflowers. My bungalow was tucked into the far northwest corner of my father’s land. My corner boasted huge weeping cherry trees, orchids and scads of bougainvillea.

The palace itself sat on forty very manicured acres. It looked like a giant Gothic cathedral. It was the grandest castle in the world including Heaven, Hell and everything in between.

I arrived early, handed my Porsche over to the valet Demon and made my way to the palace entrance. I was a little nervous. I was guessing my deportment date would be handed down this evening, but I couldn’t imagine my Father would make it such a public event.

I’d dressed with care. My father expected no less from his daughters. My smokin' hot Stella McCartney dress and my Prada stilettos were the typical uniform that was expected. I carefully made my way to the huge carved teak doors guarded by the vicious Hell Hounds.

Vicious, my rear end. Another very well kept secret in Hell… the Hell Hounds were just big ugly puppies with razor sharp fangs and claws. I loved them and they loved me. The two that normally guarded the Palace entrance were my favorites, General George Patton and Bambi. They’d slept in my room when I was a child and I’d secretly pretended Bambi was my mother—a five hundred pound snaggle-toothed mother.

I was tempted to run up and bury my face in Bambi's fur, but I knew better. Appearances counted, and no one in Hell was to be privy to how sweet the Hounds really were. Not that they weren't deadly… they were, but only to the enemies of my father.

I was disappointed that General George wasn't standing duty, but I was delighted to see Bambi. She purred as I passed. I blew her a quick kiss. I missed them terribly. Their fur was so soft and silky and they smelled like brownies.

"Hi Bambi," I whispered when I was sure no one was watching. "I wish General George was here too."

"He's a little busy, but he sends his love."

I froze and gaped at her.

"Did you hear me?" she asked excitedly.

Her lips never moved, but her eyebrows waggled like crazy.

"Is that you, Bambi?" I asked, sure I was going nuts.

"Yes! Your powers are near if you can hear me. I've waited so long for this, my sweet child."

"Um… are you talking through your eyebrows?" I didn't want to insult her, but I had to know.

"Oh yes, dear. We eat with our mouths and talk through our brows. Never have bad breath that way." She leaned in and quietly informed me, "And we've been known to poop rainbows."

I bit down on my lips hard and tried to stifle my laugh. She made bizarre sense and that concerned me, but I was so happy to talk to her I ignored the oddities and the ass shooting rainbows part.

"Have you always been able to talk?"

"Yes, of course, but you couldn't hear us until you were ready," she replied.

"Can everyone hear you?"

"No, no, only the special ones. Your cousin Astrid could hear us," she said as she giggled joyously.

That didn't surprise me at all. Astrid was a True Immortal and as special as they come. I couldn't wait to visit her on Earth no matter how crabby her pregnancy had made her.

"I feel like crying," I told her as I leaned in for comfort. "I used to pretend you were my mom."

"I know, baby. I love you like my own and I always will. Go in to the party before someone sees us. Maybe I could come over for a sleepover before you leave."

"I would love that. Do you promise?" I asked.

"Do I promise what?" a thin and nasal voice demanded. "Dixie, what are you doing loitering on the front steps with the animals? It's not fitting and your father will not be pleased."

My father's pregnant consort Amanda looked me over with disdain.

"I was just… " I mumbled as I tried to think up a legit lie.

"Were you talking to your imaginary friend?" Her condescending laugh grated on my ears and brought tingling to my fingertips. My sisters could give me all the crap they wanted about Blanche—they loved me. This bitch could not.

I turned and leveled her with a stare I'd learned from my father. To my great delight she backed off in fear. "What I do and whom I speak to is no concern of yours, Amelia," I said in a voice I didn't know I possessed.

"My name is Amanda," she hissed, drawing up to her full height, which was a good six inches less than mine. At five foot nine I dwarfed her.

"Whoops." I smiled and shrugged. "My bad. And Amanda, I wouldn't call the Hell Hounds animals. They get insulted easily and they're always hungry."

Her overly made up eyes widened in terror and she made a hasty retreat back into the palace. Why the Hell my father decided to knock this one up was beyond me. Sure, she was beautiful, but he'd had some fantastic consorts over the years. For the life of me, I didn't get this one.

"You might want to try being nice to your father's lover," Cole, my father's second in command, admonished me as he stepped out of the shadows. Geez, this freakin’ guy was everywhere.

"Yep, you're right. However, that goes both ways, Cole, and my father's consort is rude."

"She's an elder and should be respected. She carries the heir to Hell in her body," he said reverently.

That was up for debate according to my sisters, who were positive the child wasn't my dad's, but I had no desire to debate that rumor with the humor-free Cole.

"You're right, Cole."

His eyes shot to mine in surprise. "So you will apologize?"

"I certainly will," I gushed sweetly. "As soon as she apologizes to me."

With that I brushed past him and made my entrance into the palace. I could swear I heard Bambi giggle as I left a shocked Cole in my wake.

* * *

“Dixie,” Stella squealed as she ran up to me. “Damn, you look hot!”

I was so glad to see a familiar face I was shaking. I hadn’t realized how nervous and uncomfortable dealing with Cole and Amanda made me, plus I was thrown by the electricity in my fingertips and Bambi's talking eyebrows. I squeezed her hard. “What are you doing here?”

“I’m not sure.” She giggled and adjusted her black Armani shift. She was the cutest Demon in Hell, with her wild ginger curls and freckles on her little turned-up nose. “Mom and Dad informed me about an hour ago that we were coming to the Dark Palace. What gives?” she asked as she tucked a stray hair behind my ear.

“I have no clue.” I was bewildered and getting worried. Still no sign of my dad. That was not so unusual, as he did love to make an entrance. “I thought I was coming here for my deportment date.”

“Your dad wouldn't announce that in front of this many people.”

“My thoughts exactly,” I agreed, but I was still uncertain.

“Is Blanche here?” Stella asked as she ran her hands through the air and tried to grab my invisible friend.

“I don’t… ” I began.

“Yes, I’m here, I’m here, I’m here.” Blanche appeared. “You think I’d miss an overblown array of disgusting wealth and power like this?”

“She’s here,” I told Stella.

“Hi Blanche,” Stella whispered as she desperately tried to see her.

“Tell her hi back,” Blanche said.

“Blanche says hi.” I grabbed Stella’s hand as she started to trip over her very high heeled Manolo Blahniks.

“Holy Hell,” she gasped, clutching my arm like a vise. “Does Blanche look a whole lot like you, but with ice blue eyes and better boobs?”

What was she talking about? Blanche’s boobs weren't better than mine. They might be a tad bit bigger, but… “Oh my Satan, can you see her?” I was shocked.

“I think so.” Stella was thrilled and so was Blanche. “She’s gorgeous.”

“Of course I am.” Blanche laughed and tossed her locks. “And so are you.”

Stella let go of my arm and moved toward Blanche. “No!” she cried. “Where did she go?”

“She’s still right there,” I said as I pointed to Blanche, who hadn’t moved.

“I can’t see her anymore.”

“Have her hold your hand, Dixie,” Blanche instructed. I grabbed Stella’s hand and wondered if any of the Demons around us were paying attention to our bizarre conversation.

“She’s back,” Stella whispered reverently. “I have to touch you to see her. It’s like she’s another part of you."

Blanche approached us, smiling. She did look a lot like me except for her eyes. They were a crisp, clear icy blue and mine were as gold as they came.

“I can’t stay,” Blanche told us. “But it’s so nice to finally meet you, Stella. You are so special to my Dixie, and for that I love you.” She disappeared as quickly as she had appeared.

“Can you call her back?” Stella asked.

“Sometimes, but Blanche has her own agenda. I’m glad you can finally see her.”

“Yeah.” Stella sighed wistfully. “I wish we had figured out the touch thing a long time ago. There’s something really different about Blanche.”

“What do you mean?” I agreed, but I was curious for her answer.

“I can’t put my finger on it,” she mused. “I’ll figure it out.” She smiled and hugged me. “People are headed to the Grand Ballroom. Shall we?”

I cracked all the joints on both my left and right hands, leaned back and popped my aching sternum and finished off with my sore hips. “Yes, we shall.”

Chapter Ten

The Grand Ballroom was a gross show of obscene wealth and my father loved it. The marble floors were encrusted with precious gemstones: rubies, sapphires, emeralds, and diamonds and ten of the most gorgeous crystal chandeliers ever created spilled down from the ceilings.

Everyone of note in Hell was here and I had a bad feeling that I was going to be in the center ring of the circus. I gave Stella a quick hug and promised to catch up with her at the end of the evening. I moved to the back of the ballroom to an area that was reserved for Lucifer’s family. I spotted my sisters Sloth, Pride, Envy and Gluttony all smiley and waving. It was difficult to miss us. We were quite tall and reeked of magic—well, at least they did. Oftentimes my sisters resided on Earth, reporting to my dad and making sure the Demons on Earth didn’t upset the Balance of Chaos. Today they were here except for Wrath, Greed and Lust who were spending some frightening quality time with my grandma.

I spotted Carl and Janet. What the… ? She had forgone her beard and was wearing a pretty dress. Carl proudly had his arm around her and they looked so happy it made me grin. Blanche was gonna have to eat it about Janet's hair issues. Myrtle followed them like a third wheel and wore black jeans and a concert T. That was about as formal as she got.

They were too far away to get their attention and I quickly lost sight of them as more Demons filed into the Grand Ballroom. My favorite sister, Sloth, grabbed me in excitement.

“I think you’re going to get your deportment date tonight,” she said with her lazy sexy smile.

“I'm not ready, and thanks for leaving me with Gigi the other day."

“Oh honey child, I was fourteen when I got assigned—you're ready. Besides, I heard it went well with Gigi, short of her leaving Dad with no roof." Sloth laughed and kissed my forehead.

“You were deported eight hundred years ago,” I said, reeling from the thought of my life changing so drastically. I glanced up and noticed the ballroom had a new mirrored ceiling. Oh my Hell, I held back a gag. My father's taste was truly appalling.

“You’re twenty-one.” Sloth stated the obvious. “And for whatever reason, Daddy thinks you’re going to come into an assload of power very soon.”

“Wouldn’t it be better if I was at home when the assload arrived?”

“Nope,” Gluttony, my second favorite sister, said as she smiled and ran her beautifully manicured hand down my cheek. “There are things happening that need to be dealt with and Daddy thinks you’re the gal to do it.”

“I haven’t had any training and I pretty much suck at being a Demon.”

“Oh baby,” Sloth cooed as she pulled me close. “You’re a beautiful Demon. None of us were trained before we were deported. Lucifer believes in on the job training. You can’t conquer the world without failing miserably first, sweetie.”

My stomach roiled at the thought of my impending assignment. “What if all I do is fail?” I whispered.

“You won’t, my darling,” Gluttony said as Pride and Envy nodded in agreement.

"Do you realize your sexy pet name is Donkey Booty?" Envy asked me as she played with her phone.

My sisters were obsessed with the name games on Facebook. The dirtier the better.

"I'm Smelly Booty," Gluttony moaned. "I don't like that one."

"Because it's accurate?" Envy asked with an evil smirk.

"I will kick your ass after the party," Gluttony shot back sulkily.

I did not want to be there for that. My sisters could take down cities when they fought.

"Mine's Honey Booty," Pride said gleefully. "I'll take that and keep it."

"I win. I'm Fire Booty. Trumps all you beeotches." Sloth laughed and then went silent.

Daddy had arrived.

The room quieted as Satan entered. His power was stunning and his beauty was absurd. Demons were a glamorous race, but my father put all to shame. His black Hugo Boss suit fit to perfection and he wore his black silk shirt open at the neck. He had an aura that was unexplainable. It instilled rabid loyalty, adoration and fear. He was beloved by his people and despised by his enemies, and he was good with that… very good.

“Good evening, my Demons,” Satan laughed, showing even white teeth and dimples that brought women to their knees. My sister Sloth made a gagging sound as all the women in the room swooned over our father. I grinned and grabbed her hand.

“Do you know anything about me being… ” I began.

“Shhh,” Sloth admonished. We had to have exemplary behavior, and speaking while our father held court would not fly.

“Sloth” I whispered, panicked. “I've lived in Hell my whole life. I'm not ready to leave."

“Yes, you are,” she whispered back. “Now, hush!”

I did, but it wasn't easy.

“Welcome, my people,” my father’s voice boomed through the Grand Ballroom. His second in command, Cole, stood on his right and his consort Amanda stood on his left. It was surprising he let her stand so close in public, but she was crafty at weaseling her way into the forefront of everything.

“Tonight is a night for celebration.” He grinned. “My consort becomes more swollen with my son every day and my youngest daughter will soon go to Earth and do me proud."

Amanda smiled at the crowd and rubbed her belly. She was disgusting and in her glory. The crowd eyed her with distrust. The applause continued, but there was much speculative whispering. Amanda ignored it and mooned at my father. He gave her a short nod and turned away, much to her embarrassment. The crowd’s chatter increased with the slight.

"Was it this bad with my mother?" I asked.

"We never met her," Envy replied. "You didn't come to us until you were three."

Right. Another mystery in my life that no one wanted to explain. I had no recollection of my first three years of life, hence no real clue where I truly came from.

Gluttony tensed beside me and her magic swirled. My sister had a gift for telepathy. She was the only female Demon I knew who could send her thoughts, and she could target who she wanted to communicate with. Right now it was me, Sloth, Envy, and Pride. “Did Amanda not get the memo that once you bear Satan’s child, he kicks your ass to the curb?”

I put the mystery of my first three years on the back burner and I laughed. Clearly big fake-lipped and silicone-boobed Amanda didn’t think that would apply to her since she was supposedly carrying a boy. Maybe she was right.

“If she blows out a boy, Daddy might keep her,” Pride surmised.

“Possibly,” Sloth agreed. “But I just don’t see it.”

Sloth had visions. Unshareable visions. Violent and terrifying visions. She refused to speak of them because not all of her visions came to fruition. Free will had a habit of changing destiny constantly. So instead of scaring the crap out of everyone she kept them to herself. The only person privy to her visions was Satan. Sloth and our father were very close—he trusted her with enormous decisions.

As the crowds murmuring died down my father continued, “But the main reason I have called you here tonight is to celebrate my beautiful daughter, Dixie.”

The crowd whistled and clapped. Amanda seethed and I blushed. I might not be very evil, but I was certainly very well liked. My dad held his hand out to me and I went to him. I was truly mesmerized and I adored my Prince of Darkness, my father. I would do anything for him, anything he asked of me.

“Your deportment draws near,” he told me. “You shall transport to Earth and serve me well.”

"I know and I will serve you proudly," I whispered, trying not to cry, but fear and abandonment were forefront in my mind.

He pulled me close and hugged me. "This is for the best."

I nodded, unable to reply.

I didn’t want to leave my home, my family, my friends or Hayden. I could feel my eyes go crimson red beneath my closed lids. I slowly opened them and met my father's gaze that blazed red with emotion.

I heard Amanda hiss her displeasure at my father's attention to me. He turned on a dime and cut her to shreds with a look that sent her to her knees in fear. The crowd edged forward with excitement. She had better have a boy and it better be his or Amanda was dead. Satan raised his eyes to the room, clearly dismissing her. “The ones that have agreed to go to Earth with my child and protect her—come forward.”

There was snickering as Carl, Janet and Myrtle stepped forward. My insides boiled with rage at the way they were treated, but they seemed to be oblivious. Many of the caretakers of Lucifer’s daughters ended up dead. For real dead. Every time my siblings went to Earth, Uncle God sent a gaggle of Angels down to destroy us. I'd almost lost several of my sisters to God’s wrath.

To be fair, Demons killed Angels on sight also. Of course since we were all immortal and difficult to kill it took some doing. So even though a Demon may gain Satan’s highest praise by protecting the fruit of his loins, said Demon may not live long enough to enjoy it.

“Yes,” he said, his melodic voice booming through the room as my caretakers approached. “You are brave and well-suited for this journey. Myrtle, Keeper of Secrets, Carl the Destroyer and Janet the Atrocity Maker, you will go with my child and protect her. Kneel to me,” he commanded, and they did. He laid his hands on each of them and gave them another gift of Black Magic power. The Demonic audience hissed with jealously. I was hoping he’d give me a little extra magic hoohoo but he didn’t. Apparently I had an assload of powers on the way.

“You will leave three weeks from today,” Satan proclaimed. “Go and prepare.”

With that the crowd began to disperse. I quickly thanked and hugged Carl, Janet and Myrtle. I still couldn’t get over how pretty Janet looked without her fake beard. It really made me want to take a stab at Myrtle. I made my way back to my dad as I waved bye to Stella, miming a phone--international signal for I’ll call you.

“Dad?”

“Yes, Dixie?”

“I don’t want to leave,” I whispered.

“I know, baby,” he whispered back. “It won’t be for long and I will never be far from you. It’s time for you to come into who you are. When you were born I made a deal and part of that deal requires us to be parted for a while. Trust me, if I could keep you with me for eternity I would.”

“I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess if I wanted you to expand on what you just said, you won’t.” I watched him closely.

“You guessed right. I’ve said more than I should have already. Just remember that I love you and I always will, no matter what path you ultimately choose to take.”

“You’re kinda freakin’ me out, Dad,” I told him. I wanted him to keep talking as much as I wanted him to stop.

He grabbed me and hugged me hard. It felt so good. As he let me go, Amanda slithered over and took me into an embrace purely for my father's benefit. Cole and several other high-ranking Demons drew his attention away.

"You're a spoiled rotten little brat and you will fail. You will disappoint your father greatly, but I will be there for him when he realizes how much time he's wasted on you," she hissed viciously in my ear.

For the first time in my twenty-one years I knew true dislike, actual hatred. I wasn't sure why, but this woman brought out the worst in me. The need to destroy her was intense, but that would be a cluster of epic proportions. A bizarre rush of power came alive inside me and manifested in my fingertips. I remembered how my cousin Astrid had popped Amanda's collagen lips with magic…

Did I dare? Would it even work? It would be quite reckless and out of character, but I had a hate-on for the smug Demon hissing evil in my ear. I grinned. I would not copy my cousin Astrid. I would do one better. Glancing over and making sure my dad was engaged, I raised my fingers and pointed at her overly-blown silicone chest and I flicked.

I held my breath. I watched a glittery mist fly from my fingers and head toward my target at alarming speed… and they popped. I think. I might have made them disappear. Shit.

Amanda's scream of fury was nothing short of earsplitting.

“What’s wrong?” Satan demanded of his consort impatiently. I wasn't sure he liked her any more than we did.

“Cramp,” she said as she crossed her arms quickly over her chest. “Excuse me.”

She left, but not before she gave me a glare so vicious it actually unsettled me. She was horrid and I couldn't believe my dad couldn't see it. My father nodded to Cole, who followed quickly on her heels.

"All right, off with you. I have to dole out punishments and you've never enjoyed that much," Satan said as he gave me a quick hug and a gentle push toward the door.

I leaned in, gave him a kiss and glanced over at my sisters. They loved the punishments and I knew they would stay and watch every last bit. They were clearly delighted with the Amanda boob pop. I couldn't wait to tell Astrid… she would be so proud.

Chapter Eleven

I walked quickly down the hallway away from the Demons still milling around and hoping for an audience with my Father. I decided to stay the night in my old room at the Dark Palace. I felt impatient for something familiar as my life was hurtling towards the unknown. I slipped off my heels and started to run. Running gave me joy. My sisters called me the Tasmanian Devil when I ran as I tended to be oblivious to things I knocked over or destroyed while I moved at crazy warp speeds. Rounding the corner at a fast sprint, the violent force of two large hands yanked me into an alcove.

I screamed and reared my fist back to punch my abductor’s nose up into his forehead as I’d seen Myrtle do to Wolf Boy. I froze mid-punch when a strong hand grasped my arm in an iron grip.

“Dixie, it’s okay. It’s me.” Hayden grinned as he gently halted the arm that was about to rearrange his face. In the dim light of the alcove, he looked more beautiful than I remembered. How was that possible? His black Armani suit and black silk shirt fit him beautifully. He put every male model I’d ever ogled to shame. Furthermore, how did he catch me when I was moving at a speed that almost rendered me invisible?

“Satan forbid.” I was breathing hard from shock and fear. “I almost punched your gorgeous face.”

“So you think I’m gorgeous?” He chuckled and moved a step closer.

“Well… um, you know,” I stammered as I tried to regain control and moved a step back from him. He seemed different, more mature. I couldn’t put my finger on it. “You’re definitely not butt ugly.” Oh my freakin' Hell, my choice of vocabulary stunned even me.

“Thank you. I think.” Hayden laughed. “Dixie, do you know why I’m here?”

His skin was perfect and a sexy light stubble covered his cheeks. His lips were full, but it was his eyes--those green eyes caught me and held me immobile. My body involuntarily began to lean into his. Wait. Did he ask me a question? What was wrong with me? My brain wasn’t working right.

“Did you ask me something?” I choked out as I slid myself a little farther away until the wall halted my progress. It was strange to be with him in my father’s home.

He threw his head back and laughed. Help me Satan, he was even more beautiful when he laughed. “I asked if you knew why I was here.”

“Because you’re in trouble?” I guessed and hoped I was wrong. My dad could be heartless when it came to punishing his people for digressions.

“Yes,” he whispered. My eyes shot to his in fear. “But not the kind you’re thinking of,” he assured me. “I’m in a good kind of trouble.”

He moved closer and ran his hand through his sandy blond hair.

I was jealous of his hand. Holy Hell, I wanted my hands in his hair and on his face and on his chest and arms. What was it about him? I was losing myself—couldn’t think straight. Didn’t want to. Hayden stopped inches from me and I felt my body tighten in anticipation. Of what? I had no idea. This felt different from our date. He seemed more serious, more of a man and less of a boy. I was out of my league.

I stared at him and considered trying all the things I’d been too much of a goody two-shoes to enjoy. My dad would be so proud.

Hayden moved closer. I closed my eyes. I knew they had turned blood red with desire for him. Fervently I hoped if I couldn’t see him, the need to knock him to the ground and strip him would disappear. Maybe if I couldn’t see his beautiful lips and eyes my body could relax.

Nope.

Damn, he smelled good—like soap and wind and summer rain. I opened my eyes to find the object of my desire so close to my lips I got dizzy. His eyes were intense, having changed from green to red. My breathing became erratic. His eyes flashed in delight and the corner of his mouth lifted into the sexiest smirk I’d ever seen. I was a goner.

I had to do or say something fast or I was going to embarrass myself by jumping him and professing my undying love. “Why are you here?” I put my hands on his chest to put at least an imaginary semblance of distance between us. Big mistake. He moaned and his body contracted under my fingertips. A jolt of electricity shot through me at the contact. Quickly I removed my hands.

Hayden took a huge breath. “I’m here because I needed to see you.” He was so close I could taste his breath and it tasted good. I knew how perfect his lips felt on mine and it was Hell not to feel it again. “I was going to go slow with you and do every single thing right with you.”

A shiver of delight ripped through my body and landed low in my stomach at his words. “Why?”

“I’m older than you think I am, Dixie,” he said.

He was being a little too vague.

“How old?”

“Old enough.” He grinned and my tummy flipped. “Old enough to know exactly what I want.” He looked at me pointedly.

“You want me?” I asked shakily.

“I more than want you, Dixie. You’re my soul mate,” he whispered into my mouth.

Now I was definitely going to pass out. Demons rarely mated for life. Mostly because we have really loooong lives and are simply too untrustworthy and promiscuous. Many of my sisters have been mated more times than I could count. Of course it wasn't called marriage in Hell. Marriage was a sacrament sanctioned by Uncle God. In Hell we called it Bonding and Dissolving. Every so often Demons found their soul mate, but that was rare and most think it to be myth.

“I’m not ready… ” I was getting panicked.

“I know,” Hayden said, placing his hands on either side of my face which forced me to look at him. “I know,” he repeated. His frustration and need pierced me and unsettled me. “I need you to know how I feel. I’ve been waiting for you for so long and now you’re leaving. I didn’t expect you to be deported so soon. I thought I had more time.”

He stared at me with a desire and intensity that made me feel more alive than I’d ever felt. “What do you want from me?” I asked. My voice sounded small and so far away to my ears.

“Everything. I want everything from you… but I’ll wait.” His hand caressed my face and I leaned into his touch. “Dixie?”

“Yes?” I raised my eyes to his.

“I need you to promise me something.”

In this moment I would have promised him anything he asked of me. I nodded.

“When you are ready, it will be me. No one else. It has to be me. Do you promise?”

I stared into the eyes of the beautiful Demon who wanted me to be his, but before I would promise he needed to up the ante even higher. “Will you love me?” I asked.

His eyes turned a deeper red than I thought possible. “Oh yes, beautiful girl, more than anyone else ever has or ever will.”

He pressed his hand to the small of my back and trapped me against his body. I couldn’t get away if I wanted to. I didn’t want to. Reaching up I wrapped my arms around his broad shoulders and threaded my hands into his hair. It was soft and silky. I cupped the back of his head and tentatively pulled his mouth toward mine. He teased my lips with the tip of his tongue. I could hear my heart thundering in my ears. He ran his tongue across my lower lip and my knees buckled. I grasped his shoulders as he pulled me tighter against him.

He gently parted my lips with his tongue, sending shock waves through me. He took his slow sweet time. These were different than the kisses from our date. A warm heat suffused my body. I had no idea kissing could be this amazing. He tasted so good. I melted against him… into him. As the kiss deepened, I clung to his shoulders and gave back as good as I got. My tongue tangled with his and I had an out of body experience. I was amazed at how my body and lips knew just what to do. I had to stop.

Before I could push him away he stepped back. As much as I knew we had to stop, I was devastated that he pulled away first. My heart was beating like a rapid fire machine gun in my chest.

His voice was thick. “If I don’t stop now I won’t be able to.”

I couldn’t find my voice to save my life. My body trembled and feelings I didn’t understand consumed me. How in such a short time did I feel like this? All I wanted was to be in his arms again, but I stayed still. I was not ready for everything he wanted from me.

“So, do you promise?” Hayden’s voice was hoarse with desire.

“I promise,” I whispered.

His smile took away what little breath I had left. How could a boy this beautiful and amazing care for me?

With my promise secured, he leaned in and pressed his lips to mine. My eyes fluttered shut and all my good intensions along with my brain cells melted away. I wrapped my arms around him and tried to deepen the kiss, but again he pulled back.

I gasped at the loss and watched him struggle with himself to be a gentleman. It was in a Demon’s nature to take what we wanted. I was blown away by Hayden’s restraint. It did make me more curious about his age. A young Demon could never do what he did. Nevertheless, I was glad to see he was as affected as I was.

He took my face in his hands, running his thumbs along my cheekbones. “Not the time or the place, Dixie. You could take me down, beautiful girl.” He smiled and shook his head.

I tried to look away but he made it impossible. “You should probably go,” I told him quietly.

His eyes searched my face for a long moment. “You’re right, but I’m going to see you every day until you leave. I want to teach you how to protect yourself on Earth.”

“Have you been to Earth?” I asked.

“Many times.” He gently placed one last kiss on my lips. “I’ll be seeing you soon. Make sure you keep your flying clothes handy.” He winked and my body clenched in desire. Maybe I was ready to be his. Maybe…

Hayden stepped back and vanished, leaving behind a cloud of beautiful black glitter mist. My hand went automatically to my lips as my body slid to the floor. What exactly had I just promised him? My virginity? My soul? My life? I wasn’t sure, but whatever it was, it felt right.

Chapter Twelve

"Sloth, what do you think about love?"

My sister stopped raiding my refrigerator and gaped at me.

"What?" I said defensively. "It's just a hypothetical question."

"Oh." She heaved a sigh of relief. "In that case, it's messy—causes unwanted attachments and real emotion. I stay away from it at all costs. Do you have any chocolate in here?"

"It's eight in the morning."

"Yes. And?" she said.

"Try the freezer," I told her as I heaved my own sigh. Did Demons even know how to love? Was I slated to be like my sisters and doomed to only feel lust? I knew my dad loved me and in her own warped way Sloth did too, but that wasn't the love I was talking about. If at first you don't succeed… "What about soul mates?"

Sloth choked on the wad of chocolate in her mouth. "Soul mates?" she croaked. "Why in the Hell did I roll out of bed this morning? You're giving me indigestion. Do not under any circumstances find a soul mate. It completely ruins the fun of orgies."

"Hmmm, hadn't considered that issue," I snapped sarcastically. As much as I loved her, her morals were skanky, but then again so were the rest of my sisters.

"What have you done, Dixie?" she asked as she drank straight from the pitcher of lemonade in my fridge. "Tell me you didn't bond with a college boy."

"I didn't bond with anyone," I informed her as I wondered if I had indeed bonded with Hayden by making my promise to him. Surprisingly the thought didn't frighten me. It filled me with something warm and unfamiliar.

Sloth's eyes narrowed and she pulled a tub of ice cream from the freezer. "Get a spoon and sit," she demanded. "You're gonna talk while I eat my breakfast."

"Your healthy eating habits overwhelm me." I handed her a spoon and parked my butt across the table from her. I needed to talk, and as much as her choice of breakfast food grossed me out I trusted her.

"Yep. Now spill it."

"Um… " Maybe talking was a bad idea. I grabbed another spoon and joined her.

She watched me consume half the carton and waited.

"How would you know if someone was your soul mate?" I asked as I pressed my fingers to the bridge of my nose and tried to ward off the brain freeze that the mint chocolate chip had caused. Hell, no matter how hard I might try, I could never be like my sisters. I was always going to be different—right down to my inability to enjoy a crappy breakfast.

"Satan's balls, I'd hoped my vision was wrong," she muttered.

"Do you have to refer to Dad's testicles this early? My brain is frozen and now my stomach is churning."

"It's just an expression. However, you have now put a visual in my head that made me lose my appetite." She laughed and dropped her spoon to the table with a clank.

"I didn't say it. You did." I grinned at my favorite big sister and tried in vain to wipe the vision of my Dad's privates from my head.

"Subject change. Now," she said. "Enough about Daddy's nutsack. Why do you think you're in love?"

"Wait. What vision?" I asked her. She rarely shared her visions with anyone but Satan.

"You first."

"I'm just trying to figure out if soul mates exist."

"That didn't even come close to answering my question." She crossed her arms over her chest and pursed her lips in annoyance.

"Fine," I huffed. "I've had feelings for someone for a year, but it feels like I've known him my whole life and then some. When he touches me I feel tingles up my arms, and when I'm not with him I feel empty."

"Shit," she muttered and retrieved her spoon. She stirred the now melting ice cream and her demeanor changed to serious. "Since you came to us a dark presence has followed you. I've never caught a glimpse of him, but whatever he is, he adores you and has acted like a protector."

"Like a guardian Angel?" I asked, confused.

"Possibly, but Demons don't have Angels. At least not the Heavenly kind. Is this boy blond, built like a brick shithouse, more powerful than all get out and as tall as Dad?"

"Yes," I whispered.

She ran her hands through her hair and stared at the ceiling for a moment. "Have you slept with him?"

"No."

"Good—don't. Because he is your soul mate, and if you bond it might all come crashing down around you."

"He'll hurt me?" Why did even asking that question feel ridiculous?

"I would really love to lie to you, but I won't. If you were any other sister of mine I would lie my ass off, but you're not… " She got up and paced. Her energy made me tense and I made a grab for the chocolate she'd left on the table.

"Please just tell me."

"He would never hurt you. Ever. But your bonding could rile up the order and all Hell would break loose. Winged jackasses will start showing up everywhere. Just because you're supposed to be with someone doesn't mean you should. Not that you won't possibly end up with the flying bastard, but you need to sow your wild oats, start eating shitty breakfasts and maybe commit a few crimes. Nothing major—I don't think you have that in you, but you can't grow up without being incarcerated a few times. At least try for public intoxication when you go to Earth."

"What does that even mean? And how do you know he can fly?" I threw my hands in the air and accidently pelted her with a Hershey's bar.

"Nice shot," she said and then stopped dead in her tracks. "I was right?"

"About what?" I yelled. "I have no clue what the Hell you were talking about."

"He flies?"

"Yes, he flies." My brain still reeled as I tried to decipher her bizarre and alarming advice. She grabbed my hands and pulled me to the couch.

"Fucking Hell, you're too young. Actually you're not, but you've been protected. Dad has watched you like a hawk since he brought you here. I always thought he was worried your mother would come for you, but it's so much more."

"You're making me nervous and I'm pretty sure you've cut off the circulation in my hands."

"Sorry," she mumbled as she lightened her grip. "It's not that what you feel isn't real. I'm very sure it is. Certain people were created for each other and are destined to be together, but it's always more complicated than that. You've been different from the rest of us since you were brought to Hell. I thought you'd grow into your Demon… and you have," she added quickly as I tried to pull my hands from hers. "But there's more to you. Dad knows what it is, but my guess is that you will have to figure it out for yourself."

"So I can trust what I feel?"

"Yes," she said slowly. "But find out who you are first."

"Do you know more than you're telling me?" I asked.

"I wish. My visions aren't like movies. Sometimes I see faces and locations, but most of the time I have feelings. Dad helps me piece them together."

"But not everything comes true like you see it," I said, knowing she kept much of what she saw to herself for that very reason.

"True, which is why I don't advertise."

"So Hayden might not be my soul mate then," I said as a wave of depression washed over me.

"His name is Hayden?" Sloth hissed. Her demeanor went from sisterly to Demony in a hot second.

"Um… yeah. Do you know him?"

"Not sure," she answered too quickly. "I'm sure there are lots of Demons named Hayden."

It was my turn to pace. She'd gone quiet and I knew she was done talking. The cryptic nature of my family made me want to tear their heads off, followed by my own.

"If you're not going to talk I want you to leave," I told her.

She nodded and stood. "Just… be careful. Do you adhere to the notion of pre-destiny?"

I thought for a moment. I'd never actually considered it, but the answer came to me with clarity. "No. I believe we make our own. I will make my own."

"Remember that and choose wisely."

With that she disappeared and left me with a Hell of a lot to think about.

* * *

"How long have you known me?" I asked a confused Hayden.

In his worn jeans and faded t-shirt, he stood in the living room of my bungalow and filled the entire house with his power and size. Not to mention he looked as if he just walked off the cover of a magazine.

"Is this a trick question?" he asked as he leaned in for a kiss that I swiftly avoided.

"No. Well, maybe."

He sat down on the couch and rested his chin on steepled fingers as he watched me. "What exactly are you asking me?"

"Have you known me longer than a year?" His thoughtful expression made me uneasy.

"I have dreamt of you for eternity. I've seen your face and heard your laugh for more years than you could imagine and—yes, I've known you."

"Since I was a child?"

He nodded and waited.

I was torn between elation and fury. My emotions ran riotous in my head and I had no clue what I really felt.

"How old are you?"

"A bit older than you," he hedged and grinned sheepishly.

"Like fifty or a hundred years older?"

"Something like that," he said. "Does that scare you?"

"Isn't that a little pervy?"

He threw his head back and laughed. Hell, that was so unfair. He was so beautiful when he was joyous and I wanted to curl up next to him and trace his lips with my fingers.

"Um… " He struggled to regain his composure with little success. Patting the couch beside him, he gave me a sexy lopsided grin. "Sit, please."

I did, but I kept a respectable amount of distance between us so I didn't jump him.

"My dreams of you gave me the hope of a happily ever after—not that I necessarily deserve one, but it has kept me going for many years. When you live a long time the desire to end oneself occurs frequently." He paused and ran his hands through his hair. "The knowledge that one day I would find you is the only reason I'm still here."

This was far larger and more overwhelming than anything I could have imagined him saying. The thought of him destroying himself was unthinkable to me. I picked relentlessly at my fingernails as I wondered how much more I wanted to hear.

"Yes, I have watched you grow and I knew you were the one I had waited for, but I can guarantee you it was by no means pervy. Instinctually my need was to protect you. I would have never come into your life as a man until you were a fully grown woman. My love for you transcends physical desire. It's far more than a sexual need for you."

"So you're saying I'm not hot?" I teased and scooted closer. I was no longer angry or confused. I was awed and head over heels in love with someone who was in love with me. Fast? Yep, but not really if the pieces were put together.

"Hades," he hissed. "If you were any hotter Hell would cave in on itself. Keeping my hands still at the moment is more challenging than a lone Demon fighting an army of Angels."

His body was taut and his eyes flashed with desire. It took a massive amount of control on both our parts to not attack each other.

"What does bonding mean?" I asked. His quick intake of breath and his immediate move off the couch was exhilarating. The sheer fact that I affected him the same way he affected me was some powerful hoodoo.

"Bonding," he said as he backed farther away. "Means exactly as it sounds."

"I would be yours?"

"Yes. And I would be yours," he replied. "Forever."

The sexual tension in the room made my breath hitch and heat unfurl low in my belly.

"How do you bond?” I whispered as I watched him like prey.

"Sex," he replied just as quietly. "And blood exchange."

That was a little surprising—and gross. We were Demons, not Vampyres.

"At the same time?" That didn't make popping my cherry too appealing. I wrinkled my nose in disgust.

He heaved a sigh and chuckled. "No, but it has to happen within a week or so I'm told."

"So we do the nasty and then bite each other?" I wasn't quite as horny as I had been only moments ago.

"No. Hell no." He laughed and joined me again on the couch. I went willingly into his strong arms and laid my head on his chest. "I suppose if we were into kink we could do it that way, but a simple slice on our hands and a firm handshake will also work."

"Well, that's good to know. I'm not into massive amounts of pain," I muttered as I snuggled closer.

"There's a fine line between pleasure and pain, Dixie," he said in a voice that made my tummy flip with desire. "But biting and drawing blood doesn't really do it for me."

"Good to know," I quipped sarcastically.

"I want to bond with you more than mere words can describe, but I won't until you are ready to commit to what it truly means."

"So we're not doing the nasty today?" I ran my hands over his broad chest and reveled in the tingles that ran up my arms.

"First of all," he said as he gingerly removed my hands. "It will not be nasty when I make love to you. I will make love to you until you don't know your own name and then I will fuck you until you can't see straight. It will be perfect and you won't be able to walk for a week."

I was rendered speechless and the need to tear my clothes off was mindboggling. As I searched for my voice he moved off the couch and walked across the room.

"You're pretty cocky," I choked out. "Shit. No pun intended."

His laugh almost sent me over the edge into the land of not walking for a week. "It's taking all I own at the moment to be this close to you and not make you mine," he said gruffly. "I know that you would come to me willingly right now, but you still have a journey to take and I won't deny you that. I can't."

"My body feels like a heartbeat and I literally ache right now. So unless you have a ginormous bucket of ice water or you can morph into a disgusting troll, you'd better leave," I said in frustration.

"I have a better idea," he said as he held out his hand to me. "Let's fly."

I blew out a huge breath and grinned. "Yes. Let's fly."

Chapter Thirteen

Time had moved far too swiftly and the thought of leaving Hayden made my heart hurt.

"Do you want to play baseball?" Hayden asked as we lounged on my couch in my bungalow. With only a day left before my deportment, we'd spent almost every waking moment together.

"Will baseball help me live?" I asked, confused. Possibly handling a bat?

"Not that kind. Another kind," he said in a voice that woke up all my yet to be used lady parts.

"Um… okay," I whispered.

"Now baseball is complicated, but with practice you could be a pro."

"Not really my goal," I murmured as I slid closer to him.

"It's a very handy sport," he said as he pinned me with a stare that made my insides squishy and the need to crawl all over him intense.

"Interesting."

"Right, well the first thing you need to learn is about the bases. Do you know what first base is?" His eyes hooded and I prayed he wouldn't stop this time. I knew he would, but maybe…

I gently fingered the feather at my throat and considered my next move. Hayden had taken the feather he'd given me and had it made into a necklace. It now hung on a delicate golden chain. I swore I felt his energy inside me when I wore it. I secretly vowed to wear it for the rest of my life.

"I think it's this," I purred as I crawled on top of him and pressed my lips to his.

My softer, smaller body melted into his harder one and I knew I was where I was supposed to be. The evidence of his need pressed against my stomach and I hissed with delight.

"Baseball," he groaned as I wiggled my body closer, "is very difficult. You have to practice running the bases before you hit a home run."

"Am I doing it wrong?" I asked as I ran my tongue along his full lower lip.

"No, you're doing it right." His breathing was uneven as his tongue tangled with mine.

"If I'm not mistaken," I said as I took his large hand and placed it on my breast. "This is second base."

He closed his eyes and gently massaged my breast until it grew taut and tender under the touch of his hand. A familiar, yet to be fulfilled need coursed through me and I instinctually ground my hips into his.

"Oh God," he hissed as his hips moved in reply in a rhythm that was far more serious than the one I'd teased him with. His mouth captured mine and his teeth nipped at my lips.

I was so freakin' done being a virgin.

I pulled my shirt over my head and frantically tore his from his body. Sometimes having Demon strength rocked. His eyes widened and his grin almost undid me.

"I want you," I said as I took his face in my hands. "I need you."

The light sprinkling of blond hair on his chest that veed into the no-man’s land I was desperate to visit tickled my breasts and stomach as I rubbed against his strong body.

"You are killing me," he said as his hands grabbed my ass.

Heat traveled through me and landed squarely between my legs. I whimpered and tried to crawl inside him. His hands were everywhere and with each touch I climbed higher… closer.

Until he pushed me off of him and held me at arm’s length.

"Are you ready to commit to me for the rest of your very long life?" he demanded gruffly. His eyes blazed and his breath came in short spurts.

"Oh my Hell," I shouted. "You're a Demon. You're not supposed to have morals. How did I find a Demon with a conscience?"

"Answer my question."

"Can we at least get to third base before I have to answer?"

"Oh Dixie." His eyes crinkled and I wanted to slap the smirk off of his face. He pressed his lips to mine and I felt the kiss all the way to my toes. "I'll be back in a few hours to say goodbye."

* * *

Baseball sucked.

Sexually frustrated and ready to scream, I opened my suitcase and began to pack everything I owned. I wasn’t sure how different Earth would be from Hell. I was panicked. I picked my nail polish clean off and started on my cuticles. Blanche hadn’t been around in days, which was highly unusual. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t talk to my family about her absence. They didn’t believe she existed.

“Dixie,” a voiced hissed ominously.

“Grandpa?"

“It's Pee Wee Herman."

Pee Wee Herman wasn't dead. "Show yourself," I yelled. I was in no mood for this and I wasn't a hundred percent sure it was my grandpa.

"I've come to get you," the voice growled.

"Really?" I snapped. "You're not doing a very good job then."

“Dixie.” The voice sighed in exasperation. “Are you really going to have conversations with things that want to kill you?"

"Are you going to kill me?"

"Well, no."

"So your point is?" I asked the empty room.

"My point is that you should have tried to destroy me. What in the Hell are you going to do on Earth when your Uncle God sends the do-gooder winged jackasses down to kill you?”

“Grandpa, PeeWee Herman isn't really scary. I'd suggest you get up to date on pop culture if you want me to try and kill you."

"Point," my grandpa said as he materialized in a cloud of glitter.

My grandpa was the cutest man alive. He was part Sprite and part Demon. I pressed my fists into my sides so I wouldn’t squeeze him. He spent a lot of time in traction because my sisters had squeezed and loved on him too hard.

“You want to hug me and stroke me,” Grandpa informed me with great delight.

“Ewwww.” I groaned. “Do not say stroke. That sounds so wrong.”

“Oh, for the love of Mother Nature's rack, how did my son sire such a prude?” He shook his head and gave me a wink.

“I don’t know, but he did and don't say rack." I grinned and blew him a kiss. "I also happen to know that although you may protest, you love me to pieces.” Damn, I wanted to grab him and squeeze him. “Are your ribs healed?” I asked as I debated if I could at least pick him up and cuddle with him.

My grandpa was a tiny little thing, approximately the size of an Oompa Loompa. He was as irresistible as they come and almost as powerful as my father but not quite. His son was my dad, Satan. Dad and Uncle God were actually half brothers. They shared the same mother—Mother Nature.

“So, are you excited, my sweet?” he asked as he examined the contents of my suitcase.

“Um, no,” I said quietly as I sat down on my bed and shoved my hands under my bottom so I didn’t grab my grandpa and break him.

“You and your cousin Astrid are the only ones that can control yourselves around me,” he muttered as he refolded some of my clothes that I had sloppily thrown in. “The Balance of Chaos is missing and the Rogue Demons are out of control.”

“I’m sorry, what?” I asked, getting a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Grandpa loved dropping time bombs.

“The Rogue Demons on Earth are wreaking havoc and they must be stopped,” he relayed as if he were reciting a laundry list of chores. "Of course the one who should be stopping them is useless."

“Rogue Demons?” I asked, knowing for sure I didn’t really want the answer.

Grandpa clasped his little hands together and bowed his head. “They are Demons who don’t follow our rules." He paused and squinted.

“Don’t you dare sugarcoat.”

“Fine,” Grandpa huffed and rolled his eyes. “They are Demons that roam Earth killing and maiming mortals, Angels, Demons, Vampyres, Fairies. You name it. Basically they’re destroying the Balance of Chaos. They have become uncontrollable and it’s come to our attention they want to destroy your father and supposedly God.”

“That’s not possible,” I replied sharply.

“It’s possible,” he said. “But highly improbable and quite difficult.”

“Is Heaven behind this?” I felt restless, irritable and freaked out.

“Very good guess, my child, but no,” Grandpa sighed. “The Demons have been ravaging Angels in the most heinous ways even in neutral territories. God is definitely not behind this. We need to find the Balance of Chaos.”

"Did you say Fairies?"

"I did," he replied.

"How in the Hell did I not know that Fairies existed?" I moaned and dropped my head into my hands.

"Trust me, they do and they're not sweet and they do not grant wishes easily. I'm not even sure how they got involved in this mess," he mumbled.

“And I’m supposed to fix the shitstorm of a bunch of immortal asswipes, including Fairies that I didn't know existed?”

"You forgot a part."

"Oh right, and find the elusive, stupid, freakin' Balance of Chaos?"

My grandpa raised one eyebrow and stared at me in silence.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered. I was trembling and furious with my father. “Why would Dad send me into something like that?”

“He doesn’t have a choice. It’s part of the deal he made. In fact, I think he's a couple of years behind on that deal,” he answered.

I waited for more but none came. I’d about had it with my family’s love of cryptic bullshit. “Would you like to tell me what that means?”

“I’d love to.” He smiled and clapped his little hands.

I waited.

“But I can’t,” he said as he produced a wicked-looking dagger out of thin air and placed it in my suitcase.

“What’s that for?” I asked as I tried not to laugh hysterically or scream in frustration and terror. Was I supposed to use that to slice up the Rogue Demons to save the freakin' Fairies? If they thought I was going to cap that problem they were seriously mistaken.

“If I did something repulsive for you, would you honor me by going along with it?” he inquired as he continued to conjure weapons out of the air and pack them carefully in my suitcase.

“Is this a trick question?” I wondered what in the Hell the most adorable man in the world could do that would strike me as repulsive.

“No, Dixie, it’s not a trick.”

Crap. “Um, okay… "

My delightfully scrunchy and addictive grandpa produced yet another knife from out of nowhere. This one was different. The handle was encrusted with diamonds. It shimmered and winked at me—a perfect combination of beauty and death. He raised the knife to his neck and sliced.

I screamed.

“Holy Hades, Grandpa,” I screeched, trying to pry the knife from his fingers before he took his head off.

“Dixie, stop,” he commanded. Occasionally his adorable factor made me forget he could level a continent with a flick of his fingers. I froze and watched the blood gush out from his neck. “I want you to drink from me.”

“Like a Vampyre?” I was in shock.

“Yes, like a Vampyre.” Grandpa grinned and used two fingers to pretend they were fangs.

“Oh my Hell.” I gagged as I turned my head away from the sight of my beloved grandpa bleeding all over my favorite down comforter. For Satan’s sake, did he slice into an artery or what? “Can I ask you a question?” I choked out.

“Make it quick. Feeling a little queasy here,” he replied.

“Oookay, drinking your blood seems kinda cannibalistic and beyond disgusting since I'm not a Vampyre. You want me to do this why?” I tried desperately to keep a tight rein on my gag reflex.

"Your cousin Astrid did it," he informed me.

"My cousin is a Vampyre. She likes blood. Why do I have to do it?"

He swayed from blood loss. “Your father isn’t allowed to because of the deal he struck, but no one said anything about me.”

“I am so confused and grossed out I don’t know where to begin.”

“Drink my blood, Dixie. If you want to survive Earth, you must do this. Trust me, I find it as unappealing as you do, but there’s no faster way.”

“Faster way to what?” I felt the bile rising in my throat.

“To give you Black Magic.”

I gasped and grabbed my bedpost to steady my quaking knees. Only the highest level Demons had Black Magic. The only ones I knew for sure that possessed the gift of Black Magic were my father, my grandfather and my cousin Astrid. I suspected some of my dad’s top generals might have a small amount, but me? Why in the world did they want me to have Black Magic?

“Does Dad know?” I whispered.

“He suspects,” Grandpa muttered. “He would do it himself if he could, but as I told you he can’t. Now drink before I faint,” he insisted.

“I have to?”

I really did not want to do this.

“Do you want to live out the next week?”

I thought about my family and my friends and Hayden's green eyes and soft lips and the ridiculous fact that I still hadn't experienced third base. “Yes, I do.”

“Then drink,” he hissed.

I slowly bent down and pressed my tightly closed lips to my grandpa’s throat. I shut my eyes and hoped that if I couldn’t see what I was doing I could pretend I wasn’t doing it. I’d tasted blood before—my own. The many times I bit down on my lip trying not to laugh at something that wasn’t supposed to be funny and drew blood. Blood tasted like metal, kind of like vitamins. I would pretend I was drinking liquified metal vitamins. It would make me stronger, smarter, possibly make my boobs better than Blanche’s. Not to mention it would give me the ability to destroy cities with the blink of an eye. Crap. I jerked back and my eyes shot open. They locked on my grandpa’s.

“There’s more at stake than just your life,” he told me with a gentle urgency. “The future of Hell will soon rest in your hands. You have to do this.”

“I might throw up,” I told him.

“For the Love of Hatred, please don’t. I have a very active gag reflex, and if you go I’ll go too.”

I started laughing. I’d had many bizarre conversations during my short life in Hell, but this one took the cake. “Okay Grandpa, I’ll do my best not to hurl.” I took a tentative lick. It wasn’t good, but it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.

“Latch on and drink.” Grandpa grasped the back of my head and forced my lips to the gaping wound on his neck.

I drank.

The second his blood entered my system something strange happened. Bolts of heat ricocheted through my body, down to my toes and out through my fingertips. It was violent. I tried to pull away, but Grandpa held me fast. As much as I wanted to stop drinking, something compelled me to continue. I was losing control, of myself, my mind, my body, my soul.

I convulsed and shook as if I were having a seizure. It quickly subsided into a gentle hot wave churning inside me. It didn’t hurt. It was surreal, floaty and powerful.

I knew now that I possessed a power I had no business owning. I wasn’t old enough or mature enough to wield Black Magic. Only the strongest beings in the Universe were blessed with Black Magic, and now I was in that club.

“Um, Grandpa, I’m guessing I shouldn’t share the arrival of my new super powers with anyone?” I gave him a small smile as I floated down from my bizarre blood high.

“That would be correct, although some will know.” He grinned as he ran his fingertips over the gash on his neck. It magically closed.

“Could I have done that?” I asked, referring to his healing.

“Yes, you can now,” he replied as he retrieved a small silver book from thin air. “In this tome are some of the things you need to know. Don’t read it all at once or you'll die.”

Laughter burbled from my lips. I waited for him to join me. I waited some more. He didn’t join. My laughter died in my throat.

“For real?”

“Yes.” His cute little dimples appeared and I couldn’t help myself. I squeezed him, but not too tight.

“What’s in the book?” I ran my hands over the cover and I could swear it had a heartbeat. I jerked my hands back. “Grandpa, it’s breathing,” I shouted.

“Oh, how wonderful.” His eyes were shining with glee. Of course he would think that was awesome. What in the Hell was wrong with my family?

“Wonderful,” I agreed sarcastically as I moved away from the freaky silver book with a pulse. “What’s inside that book?”

“Spells, how to cope with your gift, how to cure magical hangovers, how to destroy the world.”

“Great. That’s just frickin’ great,” I muttered as I attacked my now raw cuticles.

“Isn’t it?” Grandpa giggled and hugged me tight. “I love you, little Demon Princess. I really do.” He slowly let go and then disappeared in a breathtaking mist of black glitter. I looked down at my suitcase loaded with sharp, glistening weapons and I shook my head. I tucked the book into a corner, carefully zipped it shut and prayed I wouldn’t have to break in any of my shiny new toys any time soon. I walked to my closet, yanked out another suitcase and continued to pack.

Ahhhhh, just another effed up day in Hell.

Chapter Fourteen

“I'm going to go to Earth to kick some ass in a timely manner and then come home. However, I'd like to go on record and say that I'll probably do something horrifically embarrassing to Hell and get my Demon card revoked." I paced my bungalow as a wave of apprehension crashed through me.

“Duly noted. Mine's been revoked at least a dozen times.”

I laughed and threw myself into Hayden’s strong arms. He wrapped himself securely around me and buried his face in my hair.

“You smell so good.” He ran his lips along my jaw and kissed the corner of my mouth.

I placed my hands on either side of his face and touched my forehead to his. Being so close to him sent shivers of delight through me. I eased away and searched his eyes. “Will you come see me?”

“I will.” He captured my lips and made me forget my name. I wrapped my legs around his waist and tried to wrestle him down on my bed.

“Oh no you don’t.” Hayden laughed as he flipped me over and locked my arms over my head while trapping my legs under his thigh. His desire made me bold.

“Well, I like this too.” I fought to free my arms so I could wrap them around his neck.

He slowly lowered his face to mine. Butterflies were having a smackdown in my stomach. My lips parted willingly under his and I gave myself freely to the passion of his kiss. He raised up and gazed into my eyes, “I have waited so long for you, Dixie.” His voice was low and intense.

“Was I worth the wait?” I whispered, completely lost in his eyes.

“Without a doubt,” he said.

“Hello, Dixie darling.”

“Holy shit,” I screeched as I sat up and conked heads with Hayden so hard I saw stars. “Dad, you’re supposed to knock!”

“Why should I knock on my own daughter’s door?” he asked, truly stymied.

“Because I’m an adult and I was busy.” I was mortified.

“And who is the young ma… ” My father froze, his fists clenched at his sides and the room got chilly. Literally. It dropped about thirty degrees. “What are you doing here?” my father hissed at Hayden, giving him a brutal and unfriendly stare.

“Hello, Lucifer, it’s nice to see you again too,” Hayden replied as he made himself more comfortable on my bed.

Something was really wrong here. Why wasn’t Hayden afraid of the Prince of Darkness?

“I believe,” my dad spoke slowly through clenched teeth, “I asked you what you were doing here. I’d also like to know what in the Hell are you doing with my daughter.”

“I’m here because I’ve finished my task and I’m with your daughter because I’m in love with her.”

Hayden stood up and went toe to toe with my dad. Sweet Baby Beelzebub, Hayden really was as tall as he was.

“Impossible,” Satan bellowed. The room shook as his power bounced off of my walls like a ping pong ball on crack. I shrunk back into a corner, not liking where this was headed. I felt certain it would not end well.

“Not impossible,” Hayden countered. Holy Hades, I could feel his power dancing all over my room along with my dad's. Who in the Hell was he—or better yet, what was he? Why in the world would he challenge my dad like this? He either had a huge amount of power and magic or a gargantuan death wish. “You knew she was mine yet you sent me away all these years.”

“She’s just a child,” my father fired back at him.

“She’s a woman."

“Exactly,” my Dad shouted. “Young. Woman. And she’s mine. My little baby girl.”

“Helloooo,” I said to the two “Tug on Dixie” participants. “She’s sitting right here.”

“Quiet,” they yelled in unison. Well, alrighty then.

“She is not yours, she’s mine,” Hayden smugly informed Satan. Ooooh, my dad hated smug.

“I could destroy you so quickly and it would be so much fun.” My father bestowed an icy smile on Hayden. He was stunningly beautiful and viciously evil at the same time.

Hayden laughed, his beauty as riveting as my father's. “Try it, old friend. See how far it will get you.”

I was confused and pissed off. Clearly Dad knew Hayden. And Hayden must have some major magic mojo if my dad couldn’t kill him. How in the hell old was he? Had I been lip-locked with somebody that was around before mortals roamed the Earth?

“Lucifer, if you don’t approve of me… ” Hayden stared pointedly at my father. “Are you prepared for the alternative?”

He got right up in Satan's face. He was either really brave or really stupid.

My dad turned his back on Hayden in a show of disrespect and walked away. He leaned against my wall and ran his hand through his thick hair. “No,” he conceded. “The alternative is unacceptable.”

“Good, then it’s settled.” Hayden reached for me but I backed away.

“I’m glad you guys worked that out,” I told them, my voice heavy with sarcasm. “But you forgot one minor detail. You neglected asking me what I want.”

My father laughed and Hayden looked pained.

“I thought you wanted me,” he said quietly.

“I did,” I said. “I mean, I do. I think. But you won’t own me. Ever. And neither will you,” I informed my smirking father. I turned my attention back to Hayden. “Who in the Hell are you, anyway?”

He was going to straighten a few things out before he stuck his tongue down my throat again.

“You haven’t told her who you are?” My father was positively gleeful.

“Shut up, Satan,” Hayden retorted.

“Tell her,” my dad taunted. “Tell her who you are.”

A warning voice whispered in my head. How bad could it be? As long as we weren’t related. “Are you my cousin or something?” I felt like I was suffocating.

“No,” Hayden quickly interjected, then paused for an eternity. My dad bounced up and down like a three year old at a birthday party. “I’m the Angel of Death.”

The wings made sense now and I realized his lack of fear of my father stemmed from the simple fact that he was an unkillable True Immortal. Both men waited for my response. I waited for the other shoe to drop. It didn’t. “Yeah, so?”

“That doesn’t bother you?” Hayden asked uneasily.

“Why should it?” I shrugged. “I’m a Demon Princess, my father is Satan, most of my sisters are raging sluts, I have an invisible friend named Blanche and I’ve been in therapy for what feels like half of my life because I’m not evil enough. I’m not sure I’m such a great catch either.”

Hayden threw his head back and laughed joyfully. My first highly inappropriate reaction was to tackle him to the ground and have my way with him. Of course my dad being in the room kind of killed that one.

“Fine,” Satan rolled his eyes and threw his hands up in disgust. “Have you slept with him yet?”

“AHHHH,” I shrieked. “You so cannot ask me that.”

“Why not? I’m your father.” He was truly confused.

“That’s why,” I yelled. “I am not talking to you about these things!”

“All your sisters do,” he huffed.

“That’s so gross.” I shuddered.

My dad pulled me down on his lap and hugged me tight. “It’s okay with me if my adult daughter is sexually active with the Angel of Death. I will always love you no matter how distasteful your choices are.”

“Oh, for the love of abomination, I’m not technically sexually active. And you shouldn’t be encouraging your daughter to have sex.”

“But I’m Satan,” he grandly explained.

I tried to wiggle off his lap, but he held me fast and laid a big sloppy wet one on my cheek. I giggled and hugged the most important man in my life. I eyed the second most important man in my life as he leaned on my bedpost and watched me with my dad.

“We’ll be sure to let you know when her status changes.” Hayden grinned and my father made gagging sounds. I punched him in the arm and laid my head on his shoulder.

“If you hurt her, I will destroy you. I don’t care who you are,” my father threatened. He then gently lifted me off his lap, kissed my forehead and disappeared in a lovely black glitter mist.

“Well, that certainly went better than I anticipated.” Hayden blew out a breath and flopped back down on my bed as he pulled me along for the ride.

“Are you serious?”

“Yep.” He smoothed my wild hair back from my face. “I was sure he’d try to kill me.”

“But that wouldn't have worked. You're a True Immortal." I was no longer curious about his utter lack of fear of Satan.

“Correct, but it would have been quite messy.”

“But he said he would destroy you.”

“Oh Dixie, there are many things worse than death,” he explained and then changed the subject by running his fingers along my lips. The left side of his mouth lifted into a sexy crooked grin. My breath caught in my throat and my pulse started to race.

“You have four hours left. What would you like to do?” he asked with a twinkle in his eyes.

“Do you really want to know?” I asked.

“I really, really do.” His eyes turned red, as did mine.

“I wanna go to third base."

He considered my request and gave me a lopsided smile that made my insides dance. “Done."

"Really?"

"Really. Come here," he said in a voice that set my panties on fire.

"Nope. Come get me," I countered as I hopped off the bed and slowly pulled my shirt over my head. His breathing hitched and his eyes blazed as he hopped off the bed and made a grab for me. He was fast, but this time I was faster. Why the thought of being chased and ravished by the Angel of Death was turning me on to a degree I'd never felt was a mystery, but it clearly turned Hayden's crank as much as it turned mine.

His eyes narrowed as he began to stalk me like prey. I removed my clothing piece by piece and avoided his grasp. I knew he could catch me just as well as he did, but the thrill of the chase was as erotic as what I imagined would come next.

"You're playing a game you can't win." His voice was rough as he tore his shirt over his head. His broad shoulders and muscular chest made my insides clench in anticipation and a moist heat pooled between my legs. He was smoking crack if he thought we were only going to third base.

Something inside me came alive—something I'd never owned about myself. And I liked it. I liked her.

"I win either way," I purred as I unsnapped my bra and let it fall to the floor. The only thing that covered my body was a scrap of silk that barely passed for panties.

His eyes were glued to my breasts and the power I felt was intoxicating. My chest heaved and my nipples tightened to the point of pain. Hell, is this what I'd been missing by being a good girl? Good girls sucked. I slowly touched my aching breasts and he expelled a hiss through clenched teeth.

"Dixie," he warned as he held on to his restraint by a thread.

How in the Hell was I going to get my way if he was still standing across the room watching me? Time to play dirtier. I had no plans to lose tonight. I was a Demon and I wasn't above cheating or doing anything in my power to get what I wanted, and I wanted him. For a brief moment I wondered who I was, but the throbbing in my body squashed the thought quickly.

Turning around to show him my backside, I shimmied out of my panties. Hands at my ankles and ass in the air, I moaned as I slowly stood and ran my fingertips over all my intimate places. He was on me so fast I didn't see him move. His grip on my hips was painful and I gloried in his possession.

"You're playing with fire," he ground out through clenched teeth before he took my nipple into his mouth and suckled hard.

My body jerked and I gasped as heat shot through me and straight to my core. I arched into him and offered my body in a way that came so naturally I was shocked. My hands grasped his hair and I held on for dear life as he bit and sucked at my breasts till I was sure my vision was gone.

"Hayden," I gasped. "Oh my Hell. I need… "

"What do you need?" he demanded as his large hands cupped my ass and trapped my willing body against a huge, jeans-covered erection.

"You. I want you. All of you." I cried out as he pushed a strong thigh between my legs and pressed against the part of me that was on fire. I rocked against him as little shocks traveled through my body.

"Am I overdressed?" he asked as he bit and sucked at my lips.

"I don't know. Are you?" I shot back, unable to stop moving obscenely against his thigh.

"You tell me, Dixie. And tell me now, but know if I remove my clothes I will bury myself so deeply within your body you will feel me inside you for eternity."

My body stilled and I searched his eyes. It wasn't just the sex. It was him. I wanted him. I wanted to be with him and I wanted him to remember me if I died on Earth. Selfishly I wanted to experience making love with someone I loved in case I didn't come back.

"You're overdressed, Hayden—very overdressed."

His head fell back on his shoulders and the growl he made low in his chest sent me into a mini orgasm. I felt the loss of his thigh acutely, but I knew what was coming would be even better.

His clothes were gone in a flash and my excitement became tempered with fear. His erection was huge and all of a sudden I wasn't so bold anymore.

"I've never done this before," I blurted as he effortlessly picked me up and tossed me on my bed. "And I had no idea you were so, um… humongous and I don't think that's gonna fit, so maybe we should just go to third base."

He grinned evilly at me and my body spasmed in response. Why were the bad boys so freakin' hot?

"What did I tell you would happen if I took off my clothes?" His eyes were hooded and his erection stood at attention on his stomach.

"That I would feel you inside me for eternity," I whispered.

"Touch me," he said. "Feel what you do to me. I plan to have you and I promise after what I do to you, you will beg for me to take you—but if you want to stop, I will. I will stop at any point, Dixie. This is more than sex."

"Are we bonding?" I asked as I crawled across the bed to him. I wanted to touch him. I needed to. His beauty was like nothing I'd ever seen.

"No. Not until you do what you need to do on Earth, but I will make love to you tonight. I will mark you and I will make you mine."

"Will it hurt?" I asked and realized I didn't really care if a little pain was involved. The ache between my legs was becoming painful and the need to have him inside me was overwhelming.

"Possibly," he said as he took my hands and wrapped them around his cock. It was smooth as silk on the outside yet as hard as steel. "I'll try to go slow, but you completely undo me. Lie back and hold the headboard," he said.

"But I want to touch you."

"You will." His smile was positively sinful. "But the first time it's all about you."

If I'd been standing I'd have dropped to the floor like a sack of potatoes. My body went liquid and my brain was functioning at half-speed.

I did as he instructed and he skimmed his hands over every part of my body, followed by his mouth. I writhed and moaned under his touch, which seemed to increase his need. His lips took mine in a crushing kiss and his hand slid between my legs. The heel of his palm pressed against my clit and I bucked and gasped. His sexy chuckle was almost my undoing, but he was just getting started.

"You are so beautiful," he said as his mouth made a trail from my lips to my neck.

As the pressure of his palm increased, his finger slipped inside me and the pleasure was intense. A second finger followed and I tightened in protest.

"Relax, Dixie. Let me in." His voice was hypnotic and I let my legs fall open. His head dropped to my breast and his lips trapped my nipple. His tongue ran lazy circles around the rock hard nub and my back arched trying to make him increase the pressure. He took the hint—happily. The harsh pull of his mouth on my breast sent me into meltdown and he pushed a third finger inside me. The burn from the stretch was obliterated by the fireworks his mouth was causing. Despite the pain I rocked almost violently against his hand. My brain said wait, but my body had other ideas. The sounds coming from him were the sexiest things I'd ever heard and my need for more skyrocketed.

It came on fast and it lasted a long time. I closed my eyes and screamed as my body detonated.

"Look at me," Hayden demanded. "I want to see you and I want you to see nothing but me."

My eyes blinked open and his smile was feral. Ohmyhellohmyhellohmyhell, this was the scariest, most amazing thing I'd ever experienced.

"More," he said gruffly as he slid down my still shaking body.

"More what?" I choked out. "I thought it was your turn now."

"Not until you come three more times. Then it's my turn."

"I might die," I told him honestly. "I'm pretty sure I just suffered brain damage during that one."

He threw back his head and laughed. I wanted to slap him and kiss him, but he had very different ideas. His mouth replaced his hand and I was sure my entire body blushed.

"Um… I don't know if you should… you know," I mumbled.

"Should do what, Dixie?"

"Well, that."

"This?" he asked as his tongue and teeth did things to me I didn't know were possible. My exhausted body was no longer exhausted and to my shock and his delight I wrapped my legs around his head. "You like?" he chuckled as he continued to rock my world.

"I like," I gasped as he sucked and I exploded for the second time in the space of fifteen minutes. I was certainly going to die at this rate, but it was a Hell of a way to go.

"Hayden, no more. I can't." I begged.

"You can and you will," he said softly before he went back to work.

"You're mean," I snapped as the motion of my hips belied my words.

He grinned and shrugged. "I'm very mean—very, very mean."

He was right. He was mean and I came three more times before he worked his way back up my trembling body. I should be dead or at the very least unconscious. I knew my voice was gone from all the screaming I did. Why wasn't I tired and how did my body want more?

"I do believe it's my turn now," he said as he took himself in hand and pressed the broad head of his cock inside me. "Are you sure you want this?" he asked through clenched teeth. The veins in his neck were taut and I knew it took all he possessed to show restraint. But he did—and it made me love the beautiful man even more than I did a moment ago.

"It's what I want," I whispered, removing my hands from the headboard and wrapping them around his neck. I rocked my hips forward, taking more of him into me. I was full and stretched, but I wanted more. I wanted all of him.

"I'll try to go slow," he ground out as he pushed farther inside. The feel of him filling me so slowly was excruciating. I might be inexperienced, but I knew what I wanted and I wanted it now.

"Not slow… more. Please."

"Tell me. Say it. Beg for it," he said as he stilled inside me and waited.

"You like dirty talk?" I giggled and wiggled my hips.

"I like dirty talk. I'm the freakin' Angel of Death. I'm supposed to like dirty talk." He grinned and rotated his hips, making me see stars.

"Fuck me," I whispered so softly I almost didn't hear it.

"I'm sorry, what did you say?" His delight in my foul mouth was contagious… and I liked it. It was freeing and sexy.

"I said fuck me. Now."

"Well if that's what the lady wants… "

His lips captured mine as he sheathed himself fully inside me with a guttural moan. The pain was sharp and intense. I cried out and his body froze.

"Shit, did I hurt you?" He was torn. His Demon instinct to take exactly what he wanted was so close to the surface, but the man who loved me would wait. I was suddenly glad he was older. How much older was a discussion we would have when my brain functioned properly again. In about a year.

I relaxed my body and expelled my breath. The pain slowly morphed into something so magical tears threatened. "I'm okay," I said. "Better than okay. Please, please don't stop."

He gauged my expression for truth and clearly saw what he was looking for—and then all bets were off. With a power only a Demon possessed, he took me in ways that words were inadequate to describe. The slap of our bodies, the moans, the kisses, the nips and the sheer speed of the motion was otherworldly.

I begged and muttered incoherent words as riotous colors ripped across my vision. My body, mind and soul became one with his. It was more than sex—more than making love. It was like our essences mixed and neither one of us ended or began without the other.

"Look at me," he hissed. "Watch me. Watch what you do to me."

Never had I felt more vulnerable and alive as I did in this moment.

"I see you and I love you," I said breathlessly as the speed of his thrusts increased to inhuman levels. My body gripped his like a vise and the beginnings of the mac daddy of orgasms started low in my belly. Our coupling bordered on violence and I realized that was on my part more than his. I wanted him deeper and harder and just more. He obliged.

"Come with me," he said as he took my lips in a kiss I would never forget. "Now," he demanded.

I did.

He was right.

I would feel him inside of me for eternity and I didn't want it any other way.

Chapter Fifteen

Baseball rocked and Earth sucked.

“Lizards smell with their tongues.”

“What?” I was getting exasperated. That was at least the tenth piece of useless information Myrtle had passed on in the last hour. “Wait, is that even true?” I asked as I checked my cell phone to see if the battery was dead. Why hadn’t Hayden or Stella called me yet?

“Yep,” Myrtle said.

“How do you know?” I countered as I opened and began to unpack my suitcases in my new room, in my new house, in my new world, with my new family.

“Because I can shift,” she muttered.

“Back up.” I laughed. “You can shapeshift into a lizard?”

“Yep.” She grinned and shrugged.

“And how does that work out for you?”

“Not so good.” She pushed her newly bobbed hair behind her ears. Earlier I'd chased her for an hour and wrestled her to the floor so I could give her a makeover. Carl finally held her down while I had my way with her hair. I snipped and dyed for two hours. She bitched and moaned the entire time. No surprise to me, but clearly a humongous surprise to her, she was beautiful—too skinny, but beautiful.

“People don’t really like lizards so much,” she continued, still playing with her new hair. “They usually scream and occasionally try to kill me.”

“Hell forbid.” I giggled. “Can you shift into anything else?”

“Yep,” she said as she smiled and exited my room before I could pry her secrets out of her.

“You suck,” I yelled after her and heard her chuckle as she went down the stairs.

I sighed and tossed the t-shirt I was refolding back into the suitcase. I flopped back on my four-poster bed and stared at the ceiling. I wasn’t so sure about this Earth thing yet. I glanced around the room and laughed. My dad had replicated my room from the palace down to the stuffed animals I'd had as a child. It was embarrassing but sweet. Thank Hell he didn’t replicate the palace too. That might have been a little conspicuous. Instead we were living in a lovely old farmhouse. Actually it was more like a stately old Southern manor.

My father chose Kentucky for our destination—to be more specific, Eden, Kentucky. I told him I wanted to live someplace beautiful and be close enough to visit my cousin Astrid. I’d never seen fall or winter in my life. Hell was warm and balmy all year round. I couldn’t even begin to imagine snow. I’d seen it on T.V. and in the movies, but I wanted to touch it and catch it on my tongue.

The other consideration had been language. Demons and Angels were hardwired from birth to understand and speak every language—even dead ones. I couldn’t even imagine how limiting it must feel to only speak one or two. I loved speaking French and Russian, but English was my favorite language. So I requested an English speaking country. I wanted the United States. The Americans seemed to get in the most trouble and have the most fun. Even though I was a kind of good girl, I was still a Demon and I much preferred spicy to bland.

My dad liked Kentucky a lot. He said it reminded him of Hell, plus there were portals all over the place. Kentucky, Tennessee and Ohio were apparently hotbeds of otherworldly activity. A triad, if you will, of immortal strength and power.

Kentucky in particular housed Mammoth Caves. Hundreds of miles of natural underground caves. The caves formed over ten million years ago during a time of great upheaval between Heaven and Hell. There had been a war for ownership rights. It was bloody and long. In the end it was a draw.

Because so many Angels and Demons died in the caves during Mammoth’s formation, great magic was trapped within the limestone floors and walls. The Earth’s natural magic combined with the trapped immortal power had opened many portals to both Heaven and Hell. It was like a Heaven and Hell-bound bus station. It was considered neutral territory for both Angels and Demons. Earth had certain areas of neutrality, places for my dad and Uncle God to negotiate treaties and threaten each other with obliteration without having to make good on the threats. Any given day you could find tons of immortals hanging out. Either absorbing the fallout of magic that constantly seeped from the caves or hopping a Portal back and forth to Heaven or Hell. Ironically the humans didn’t even notice.

I rolled over and stared at all my shiny new weapons still nestled in my suitcase. They mocked me. Why Grandpa decided my parting gift should be an arsenal made my stomach roil. I had no freakin’ idea how to wield a sword, much less how to strike a deathblow. Moreover, I had no desire to harm or kill anyone or anything.

I thought about Grandpa and Sloth and Stella and my dad… and Hayden. Hayden was my every waking and dreaming thought. And where in the Hell was Blanche? Had my invisible friend deserted me too? My old life was gone. My eyes welled up and fat salty tears slowly rolled down my cheeks.

“Are you okay, sweetie?” a child asked.

What the Hell? I didn’t know we had brought a kid with us. “Oh, hi Janet.” How come I kept forgetting she sounded like a third grader? I swiped at my tears and plastered a big fake smile on my face. No reason to bring everybody down just because I was miserable, horny and hated my life.

“Don’t pretend,” she said gently as she took my hand into her sweet little stubby one. “You should cry and get it out. Earth’s really not as bad as you think.”

“I want to go back to Hell,” I whispered as I tried unsuccessfully to suppress my tears. I watched Janet search for reassuring words and was amazed at what a delicate beauty my bearded therapy partner turned out to be.

“Oh baby,” Janet cooed. “It will be fine. You’re here for a reason. I wish to Satan we knew what that reason was, but it will reveal itself in good time.”

“What if I can’t live up to whatever it is I’m supposed to do?” I made myself into a tight ball and hugged my knees for comfort. I waited for her to tell me the secrets to life, make me feel better and suggest we forget about Earth and go find a portal back to Hell.

No. Such. Luck.

“You have no choice. It’s your destiny,” Janet replied logically, in the same manner she would say the Earth was round or the sky was blue or Hell was way better than Heaven.

I decided to ignore her and continue to whine. “Why hasn’t anyone called me?”

“They’re not allowed to.” She began to hang my clothes in my closet.

“What do you mean not allowed?” I demanded. I grabbed my phone and checked for voicemails. Nothing.

“Your father forbade any contact for a month so you could acclimate to Earth.”

“He can’t do that,” I yelled at her as I punched numbers into my phone.

“I think he already did.” She put her hands to her face worriedly and searched for her missing beard.

I dialed Hayden and held the phone to my ear. Lost connection. Shit. I dialed Stella. Lost connection. Double shit. One more time… Triple shit. I threw my phone on my bed. I wanted to smash it against the wall, but I wasn’t stupid. I was just pissed.

He was ruining my life. I hated him. He threw me out of the only home I’d ever known. Got rid of me like I was trash. Just like my mother did. He tore me away from my family and my friends and the boy I was madly in love with. Although boy might be pushing it. Hayden was clearly older than dirt. As hard as I'd tried, he'd managed to avoid all my age queries.

My father ruined my life and more than likely his actions would get me killed. He condemned me to Earth where I was on constant watch for Angels who want to off me. Furthermore, as if avenging Angels weren't enough, there were a buttload of uber rotten Demons wreaking havoc and I was slated to ice them and find the freakin’ Balance of Chaos. This sucked mostly because all my power hadn't arrived yet.

Fury rushed through me like high tide coming in. There was no stopping it. The more I thought the more inflamed I became. My chest burned and my eyes flashed red. Heat flowed through my body and I wanted to crawl out of my skin. Crying and screaming sounded like a grand idea. My hands started to tingle and brilliant sparks of red light flew from my fingertips.

“Holy Hell, what’s happening to me? Son of a bitch shitshitshitshit,” I cried out as I levitated. The wattage and frequency of my fingertip light show increased and my hair floated around my head as if I’d been electrocuted.

Janet turned from my closet and quickly plastered herself against my wall. “Good Satan Almighty! Look at you,” she screeched. “Carl, get in here. Her magic has come and her language is outstanding! Not full Demon, but close.”

She watched me like someone watches a bad car accident, which only pissed me off more.

“Are you going to help me down?” I hissed as a golden glitter sprayed all over my room.

“Hell no,” she replied, slowly inching her way toward my door.

“If you take one more step,” I threatened, “I’ll fry your ass.”

Janet laughed with delight, bounced up and down and attempted to pull on her nonexistent beard. Old habits die hard. “Ooooh, you’re a nasty little piece of work. Your daddy’s gonna be so proud!”

Carl burst into my room wearing tighty-whities. Only tighty-whities. I was fairly positive my appetite had been permanently destroyed.

“Whath going on?” he shouted as he assumed a kung fu pose in a deep squat. Not a good look while clothed. Definitely not a good look while practically nude.

“Look up.” Janet pointed and giggled.

I tried with all my might to wrench my eyes from the heart-shaped mass of hair on Carl’s chest. WTH?

“Carl,” I said calmly, still spitting sparks from my fingertips. “Have I lost my mind or is the hair rug on your chest shaved into a heart?”

“It ith,” he said with pride. “But look at thith!”

He turned around, and on his fur-covered back the word Janet had been shaved. The J started right above the elastic band of his underpants and the T ended at his neck.

“Oh dear Beelzebub,” I gasped in horror, completely caught off guard by the shocking and disgusting declaration of love for Janet. “Did you shave or wax that?” Was that necessary information? No, but I needed to know.

Carl’s eyes were earnest as he turned to me. He literally swelled with pride. “Neither. I did electrolthith. Ith permanent.”

Janet blushed with delight and scratched Carl like a dog. I expected his leg to start dancing at any moment.

I didn’t know what to say, which was rare. My ass was plastered to my ceiling, my fingers were still shooting red sparklies, gold mist had created an iridescent cloud in the room and I mutely watched Janet and Carl begin performing some foul, hairy mating ritual. Enough was enough.

“Hey,” I shouted, throwing a metaphoric bucket of cold water on my overheated family members. “I appreciate your positive attitude toward body image and creative hair design, but I have a problem here.”

“Right,” Carl said as he grabbed my foot and tried to yank me down from the ceiling.

No go.

“Get me down or I'll rip out a map of Hell with all the excess hair left on your body,” I ground out through clenched teeth. The fingertip fireworks increased. Purple and silver sparkles joined the red ones. They rained down on Carl, who was laughing at me and about to pull my left leg out of the socket. I was in pain, pissed off and at the same time seriously concerned I was going to set Carl on fire due to his excessive body hair issue. He didn’t seem to notice or care. He just yanked harder.

“Let go of my leg,” I yelled.

“I can’t get you down.” He was puzzled.

“No duh, dumbass.” I couldn’t find polite if it bit me in the butt. “You’re going to pull my leg off.”

“You can grow another one,” Janet volunteered.

“That is so not the point,” I shrieked. “I don’t want to grow a new leg. I like this leg. I just want to get off the ceiling.”

“I’m not thure how to handle thith,” Carl muttered, rubbing his bald head a mile a minute.

“Clap,” Myrtle said as she entered the room all business-like.

“What?” I rolled my eyes at her as more fire flew from my fingertips.

“Clap,” she repeated and rolled her eyes right back at me.

“Fine,” I snapped. I clapped and miraculously I steadily floated back down to my bed. The sparks subsided, but the room was covered in gold glitter dust. “How did you know what to do?” I asked as I grabbed onto the post of my bed just in case the light show and levitating decided to return.

“Because I’m Myrtle, Keeper of Secrets. I know lots of things.” She smiled and plopped herself down next to me.

“Why did it happen?” I still maintained a death grip on my bed.

“Your magic came in, and it’s just a guess, but did you get angry?” she asked.

“She told me she’d fry my ass and she’s pissed at Satan,” Janet trilled gleefully.

"And the told me the'd rip a map of Hell into my chetht hair," Carl added with pride.

“Ewwwwww. Well, there you go,” Myrtle told me as she hopped off my bed and headed for my door.

“Wait just one minute, little secret keeper,” I shouted. “How do I control this?”

“First of all, it's Keeper of Secrets, and if you wanna know what to do read the book.” She raised her eyebrows at me.

“What book?” What the Hell was she talking about?

“The silver one your grandpa gave you,” she replied, grinning evilly.

“The one with the heartbeat?” I moaned and hoped I was wrong.

“The one and only.”

“It freaks me out that an inanimate object has a heart beat."

“How do you know it’s inanimate?” she challenged. Myrtle pulled the silver tome with the bizarre heartbeat out of my suitcase and tossed it onto my bed. “Start reading." With that my bizzaro little family left me alone in my room with the leather bound freak show.

“Great,” I muttered as I gingerly picked up the book and quite possibly my fate. “Just freakin’ great.”

Chapter Sixteen

“You have got to be kidding me,” I shouted as I shook my head in disgust and looked at the blank pages of my little silver book with the pulse. “What kind of joke is this?” I muttered as I tossed the empty book on my bed.

Either Grandpa was screwing with my head and playing a really mean prank or the book was alive and very unhappy with me. It was so angry it deleted itself. If I was a gambling gal, I’d lay my money on the book being pissed. It sensed my ambivalence.

I took a deep breath and glanced around to make sure no one was here. “Um, book… bookie, friend. Sorry for, you know, not believing.” I rolled my eyes at how ridiculous I sounded and ran my hand gently over the cover, trying to reassure the little book of my change of heart. It purred.

“Holy shit.” I quickly yanked my hand away and it growled. This was so not happening. I’d had a little too much crazy lately. I didn’t have the patience or the time for some pissed off pile of paper. “You know what?” I glared at the book. “I don’t need you. I’m going to find a portal and go to Hell. Some other idiot can come up here and kill the psycho Rogue Demons and find the dumbass Balance of Chaos.” I had no use for a two-ounce instruction manual with a bad attitude.

“And you know what else?” I was on a roll. “You can take this Black Magic crap and shove it up your ass or… pages. I don't ever want to get stuck on a ceiling with sparkler fingers and hellacious hair again.” I gave the book a hostile stare and turned my back on it.

What in the Hell was I doing? I was yelling at a book. I was stuck in a foreign world, yelling at a growling book. I was utterly alone in a strange, albeit pretty, new land and I’d become a gravity-deprived freaky electrical conduit. This sucked.

I stomped over to my window and laid my hot forehead against the cool pane. The picturesque landscape calmed my frayed nerves. Dad was right. Eden, Kentucky was gorgeous—rolling hills, graceful weeping willows, and white horse rail fencing as far as my eyes could see. Thoroughbred horses dotted the lush green fields and ponds glistened in the late day sun. It looked like paradise. Bizarrely enough, it felt vaguely familiar to me. I’d never been anywhere but Hell as far as I could remember but Eden, Kentucky made me feel safe and happy.

Maybe I’d stay a week or two, but first I needed to make nice with my book.

I slowly peeled myself away from the serene landscape and turned to embrace my destiny. It was gone.

“Damn it to Hell,” I screeched as I sprinted to my bed and felt around for the book. “Oh no, no, no,” I muttered, frantically looking under the pillows and behind the headboard. “I didn’t know the stinkin’ thing had legs.”

I searched under my bed. Nothing. I ran over to my closet and tore through my clothes. Nothing. Could the stupid book fly?

“Where are you?” I yelled.

Nothing.

“Okay.” I was going to have to eat it. “I’m really sorry. I treated you like an ordinary book and that wasn’t very—well, you know, um—nice of me. So, ahhh… ” Was this actually happening? “Clearly you’re special. I’ve just never been acquainted with a living book, so I was a big gaping butt.”

I heard something giggle. I quickly scanned the room. I couldn’t gauge where the sound came from, but it seemed to enjoy my verbal self-abuse.

“That’s right, I was a total loser jackass jerk-ass.” The giggle got louder. I still couldn’t locate its origin so I continued. “I am a colossal raging asshat assmonkey and I beg your forgiveness.” Now I was giggling and the book started laughing.

Something changed—quickly and violently. An invisible pressure pushed me down on my bed. My room got hazy and blurry. The magic in the air was thick and it was getting harder and harder to breathe. I should have been terrified but I wasn’t. I was excited. Clearly I’d lost it. My inner Demon was emerging more and more every day.

The book materialized and began to spin. The faster it spun, the bigger it got. A cascade of silver liquid flew from the pages and sprayed my room, making everything glow. I looked down at my t-shirt and jeans and gasped. They were covered in millions of teeny tiny lights—and I thought I was electric before…

The force from the magic in the room held me immobile. I could feel my heart beat in my throat and although I couldn’t move, my body trembled. I was both hot and cold. It was difficult to focus, but I knew something important was about to happen. Whether I survived it or not, remained to be seen.

The book’s binding shredded itself with a high-pitched squeal and pages flew everywhere. The liquid changed into a fine silver dust and began to swirl like the funnel of a tornado. A woman’s arm popped out of the funnel. I screamed. Then another arm. Then a foot. Then it laughed. The laugh sounded familiar…

The pages danced violently around my room, obscuring my view of the morphing glitter-dust funnel. Being Lucifer's daughter, I’d seen a lot of hoo-doo, but this was nuts.

“Who are you?” I called out. There was no way in Hades the magic tornado could hear me. The wind from the flying pages alone was deafening. I’d just have to wait it out.

As quickly as it started, it ended. My room was eerily quiet, and as far as I could tell I was still alive. I sat up slowly, halfway expecting to see body parts and book pages strewn around the room. But no. I could never have imagined what I saw. It made no sense and at the same time it made all the sense in the world.

“Dixie,” she said as she waited for my reaction. She looked exactly the same except her skin was silver.

“Blanche?” I whispered. “Who are you?”

“Not who,” she whispered back. “The question should be what am I?”

“Okay, I’ll bite.” I wasn’t sure I wanted the answer, but she looked pretty determined to tell me. “What the Hell are you?”

“I am what I have always been,” she replied.

“And that would be?” Enough with the cryptic bullshit.

“What do you think I am?” she asked.

“I thought you were my imaginary friend, but now I’m not so sure.”

“Oh, I’m still your friend.” She walked toward me and I backed away. Hurt flashed in her eyes, but she quickly recovered. “Don’t be afraid.”

“Okay.” I was still uneasy. It wasn’t every day you found out your invisible friend was possibly a book, had silver skin and moonlighted as a tornado. “Are you a book or a person?”

“Neither.”

She was beautiful in an alarmingly spooky way. We still looked alike, aside from her ice blue eyes and her silver skin, but she was slightly transparent. I couldn’t see completely through her but I saw shadows. I wondered if her skin was going to stay silver.

“Yes, it will.” She was very matter of fact.

“What will?”

“My skin will stay silver.” She sighed wearily. “It’s my natural color.”

Holy crap, did I say that out loud? I’d swear I just thought it. I was truly going crazy now.

“You’re not crazy.”

“You’re inside my head,” I accused her as I slid off my bed to put some more distance between us. Did I even know her? I began to pace. I always thought more clearly when I moved.

“Of course I’m inside your head,” Blanche laughed. “I’ve always been inside your head.”

“Do you even exist?” I yelled. Confused didn’t even begin to define how I felt. “Are you me?” I whispered.

“You’re getting warmer.” She was excited. “Guess again.”

“I’m schizophrenic and you’re a weird violent weather pattern?” I moaned as I ran my hands through my hair and continued to move restlessly around my room. I was feeling the need to burst out of my skin.

“Cold.” She laid down on my bed and rolled her eyes at my stupidity.

“How about a little help here,” I snapped.

“I’m not allowed to.” She hesitated, torn by the desire to reveal what she was. She stayed quiet and pouted. She was unhappy with the rules of the game.

“Let me get this straight… You’re inside my head. You’re a what, not a who and I have to guess because it’s against the rules for you to tell me.”

“You got it.”

“What will happen if you tell me?” I mean, how bad could it be? Surely no one would know.

“We’d both turn to dust,” she replied.

That was bad.

“Look, if there was any way I could tell you I would. I don’t like these rules either, but I have no desire to test them to see if they’re accurate,” she huffed.

“This sucks,” I said as I sat down next to her. I was no longer afraid. “Can anybody else see you?”

“Nope.”

“How come Stella could see you?”

“I’m not sure.” Blanche was thoughtful. “Maybe because she loves you so much and knows you so well. Or maybe because she’s young and not yet jaded.”

We sat in silence. I stared at the ceiling and let my mind go blank. Blanche took my hand in hers. Light currents of power traveled from her hand to mine. It was strangely comforting. We lay quietly for a few more minutes. I began to try to piece the puzzle together.

The book was here to guide me—to teach me how to control my Black Magic, or so I thought. Blanche said I was getting warm when I asked her if she was me. She could read my thoughts as if they were hers. She was not a who, she was a what. That one threw me a little. She’d always been with me, but did I create her or did someone else put her in my life? She had always believed in me and given me the strength to make decisions, right or wrong. She never made my decisions for me, nor did she guide me. She was always there for the results. She wasn't my Guardian Angel. Demons didn’t have Angels.

“Sweet Baby Satan, are you my conscience?” I gasped.

“You’re so close.” The tension in her body was palpable. I needed to guess correctly before she imploded.

I sat up and searched her face, and I knew. “You’re my fate.”

Her smile spread slowly and lit up her entire face. “Bingo.”

Chapter Seventeen

“Good morning, sunshine,” Janet sang as she whipped up my window shades, temporarily blinding me.

"Get out," I grumbled.

"Why, aren't we a nasty Nellie this morning." She hummed as she poked at me.

“What time is it?’ I groaned, throwing my pillow at her.

“Time to get up, sleepyhead!” She got a running start, tore across my room and took a flying leap onto my bed, successfully bouncing me out of my cozy nest and onto the cold hard floor.

“What in the Hell is wrong with you?” I hissed as I pulled my comforter off the bed and curled into a small ball.

She leaned her head over the side of my bed and got in my face. “You have fight training with Carl.” She grinned and yanked my comforter off of me.

“Holy Hades, you suck,” I moaned as I attempted to crawl under my bed just to get away from her and her upside down face. I was still exhausted from the night before with Blanche. We stayed up most of the night talking. As usual, when she decided we were finished she left. She disappeared and gave me no indication as to when I’d see her again. The rest of my sleepless night was consumed reliving the best night of my life with Hayden. Suffice it to say coherent thought escaped me at the moment.

Janet grabbed my foot and pulled before I could disappear to the relative safety of underneath my bed. Damn her.

“Carl’s going to teach you some moves, then you’ll practice with Myrtle and me.” She straightened out my bed and muttered, “We’re going to kick your ass.”

Now she had my attention. “I’m sorry, what did you say?”

“Carl’s going to teach you some moves.”

“Uh huh.” I narrowed my eyes at her. “And the other part?”

“Oh.” Janet smiled sweetly. “I said we’re going to kick your ass.”

“You’re sure about that?”

“Yep,” she quipped and felt for her missing beard and stache. Her elation died. She deflated like a popped balloon.

“Janet.” I could tell she was close to crying. “Is there a chance you could grow them back?”

“No.” Averting her eyes and trying to hide her tears, she mumbled, “That horrid therapist had the hair removal Demons put a cease and desist spell on my follicles.”

“That’s, well that’s… I don’t even know what that is,” I stuttered and tried to make sense of that one. I pondered why or who would create a spell like that. “I’m really sorry, Janet.”

I gathered her little body in my arms, the same body that had just evilly bounced me off of my bed, and I hugged her while she cried. Tremors shook her and I held her tighter. I wanted to kick that therapist’s ass. I wouldn’t mind taking a pass at that bitch with a coffee table leg. The more I thought about that smarmy hag, the angrier I got. Yep. I was becoming more Demon with each passing second.

My hands began to tingle. Oh Hell, I knew what was coming. Small red sparks started to fly from my fingertips. I gently disengaged Janet. I had no desire to light the hair she had left on fire. I took a deep cleansing breath and clapped my hands.

It stopped.

Damn if Myrtle wasn’t the smartest girl in the world. I grinned and wiggled my non-flaming fingers.

“Did you see me?” I blurted. I sounded like a five year old on her birthday, but I didn’t care.

“You controlled it,” Janet yelled, her hair issues forgotten. “I’m so proud of you.”

“Me too.” I grinned. “I’m ready to go downstairs and hand you your ass.”

“You sure?” she challenged gleefully.

“So sure,” I replied.

* * *

Being sure does not guarantee success, not by a long shot. Just ask my bruised and aching body. Fight training was ugly and painful. My pride was the only thing that had kept me from giving up. I’d never admit it, but Janet was right. They were kicking my ass. The training room was state of the art. Leave it to the Devil… Who in the Hell would have guessed the basement of a graceful Southern manor housed a torture chamber? Oops, I meant a large gym, with every conceivable machine and weapon known to man. There was a large, mat-covered open area for martial arts training and Jazzersize. Carl was addicted. The walls were covered with weapons: swords, daggers, throwing stars, guns, grenades, bombs… You name it, we had it.

There was also an area for knife throwing. I was sure I’d spend many hours there, certainly after I’d nailed Carl in the neck with a nice-sized dagger. Thank Satan we’re immortal. I was aiming at the wall. Carl just pulled it out of his jugular and kept on going, not even commenting on the unavoidable fact that he was bleeding profusely. I thought for sure I’d killed him. I even threw up a little bit in my mouth I was so upset, but Carl was fine. He wasn’t even mad at me.

That’s when Carl decided it was time to spar. He wasn’t as sweet as I thought. Pay back for an almost decapitation was a bitch, and that son of a bitch punched as hard as a freight train. If I didn’t have Black Magic I’d be so dead. After the third punch to my head, which probably caused brain damage, I understood why my dad sent Carl up to Earth with me. Carl the Destroyer was an apt name for him.

“Okay,” Carl explained, sweating up a rather unattractive storm. “When thomebody runth at you to kill you, you have to fight back.”

“I know, but Janet and Myrtle aren’t really going to kill me,” I patiently explained to Carl for the fifth time. “I don’t want to hurt them.” I referred to the still open knife wound on Carl’s neck. I heard Myrtle snort.

“You might want to shut your cakehole,” I politely told Myrtle. “Or I’ll shut it for you.”

“As if,” she snapped.

Carl thought we should all take a break. I’d like to think it was because he was worried about what I would do to Myrtle, but even I couldn’t live in that dream world. Carl helped me stretch out, which was something I'd never ask him to do again. I was certain my arms had been dislocated and my legs would need amputation. I moaned and tried to kick Carl in the head.

“You are such a wussy,” Myrtle laughed.

That was about all I could take. I took my leg back from Carl, shoved him out of my way and gave Myrtle the evil eye. I’d been knocked around and beaten up for over two hours. I could take getting whaled on, but getting laughed at? Not so much.

“Get your skinny asscrack over here,” I yelled. I mentally ran through all the moves Carl had taught me. I was a quick study and I was strong, but more than that… I was pissed. I was sick of getting busted on. I was ready to do some busting of my own.

A rush of energy and heat blasted through me as I sized up Myrtle. She looked smug and unconcerned. Not smart.

“Bring it,” I shouted.

She did. She gleefully put me into a chokehold.

“You suck, you freakin’ assclown,” I grunted.

“Holy Hell! Assclown? You can't do better than assclown?” she barked. “You are the wussiest Demon ever born. There’s no way you’re Lucifer’s daughter!” She forcefully threw me to the mat. As she was about to body slam me, I quickly rolled to my left, hopped up and gave her a roundhouse kick to the head. She staggered back and grinned like an idiot.

Hmm, this was actually getting fun.

“Oh,” I informed all of them. “I am definitely Lucifer’s daughter.” Without even thinking I raised my hands and froze them. Wow, that was cool. I wondered what else I could do. Blanche hadn’t taught me anything about Black Magic yet, so I figured trial and error would be my teacher today. I grinned evilly at my cute little frozen pseudo-family. The shock on their faces was priceless. I smirked and considered my options.

I slowly rotated my right wrist and my little frozen family began to spin—and spin and spin. The faster I moved my hand the faster they spun through the air. They were on an invisible vomit-inducing carnival ride from the Basement of Hell. Their shrieks were music to my ears and aching muscles. Not Lucifer’s daughter, my ass.

As Carl’s pallor turned green I backed up. Using my left hand I made little flicking motions, moving the trio closer together. Not touching, but close enough that they all could enjoy what was about to come out of Carl.

“Dixie,” Myrtle screamed. “You win. We lose.”

“Hades help us.” Janet moaned as she started to turn the same shade as Carl.

I did feel kind of bad, but not that bad. I grabbed my phone with my left hand as my right continued to rotate and I set the timer for five minutes. That should probably do it.

“STOOOOOPPPPP,” Myrtle shrieked as she clearly saw the impending bile storm headed her way. Carl and Janet whimpered in agony.

Now I felt that bad. So much for being a heartless Demon…

I lowered my hands and they all dropped to the ground with resounding thuds. I was too nice for this crap. I went to my dizzy group and tried to help them to their feet. Too little, too late. Payback was a bitch… and so was getting thrown up on.

Chapter Eighteen

“I just blasted you with a volt of electricity and magic that should have killed you,” I coldly informed one of my favorite people in the world. “You cannot sneak up on me anymore. Grandma Gigi will fry my ass if I off you.”

“Yes, yes, she would.” Grandpa’s eyes sparkled with joy. Curls of smoke streamed from his singed clothing. “But you can't!”

“Can't what?”

“Can't kill me,” he continued gleefully as he patted out a small fire on his crotch. “On any other Demon or Angel that would have worked, but not on me. In fact,” he pondered seriously, “I believe there are only several beings in the entire universe that your power will not work on.”

“And they would be?” I asked as I grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and poured it over his head.

“Thank you,” he giggled.

"No prob. Answer my question."

"Your magic kills anything except a True Immortal."

I ransacked my brain for the list of True Immortals. Grandpa waited patiently. All I had wanted was a damn midnight snack. How did scrounging for Janet's Rice Krispie treats turn into a history lesson with a smoldering grandparent?

“A True Immortal can’t die—I already knew that. I just forgot.” I watched him stare lovingly at my snack and I sighed. “Do you want one?"

"Of course. I've been eating Mother Nature's cooking for weeks. I need something edible."

I cut him a huge wedge of Rice Krispie treat, slid into a chair at the kitchen table and attacked my own.

"Are you going to go back to my lesson?"

“I believe it was your turn. However, part of what you said was wrong.” He grinned and began separating the treat—Krispie by Krispie. “True Immortals can die—they just can’t be killed.”

I tamped back my desire to slap him and then hug him. “Like that makes any sense.”

“It makes perfect sense, my love. A True Immortal can only die if they choose to.”

"Oh my Hell, are you going to eat that or just play with it?"

"Both. A True Immortal can die of a broken heart."

“For real?"

“For real. You know if you press on the individual Krispies it's a little like popping bubble wrap.”

I dislodged a few Krispies to see if he was right. He was.

“Wait,” I said as I cut two more pieces to eat since we were obviously going to play with our first round. “You just get a broken heart and poof, you're dead?”

“Mother Nature's bosom, that's satisfying,” he shouted as he pounded his little fist into a large wad of Krispies. “Of course not—it’s a three part finale. One, your heart must be truly broken. Two, you must choose to die and three, the Sword of Death must be plunged into your heart.”

“They didn't exactly teach that in school."

“That’s not information we want getting out,” he replied. “In the wrong hands that could be a clusterfuck. And apparently the Sword has gone missing."

"Again? Mr. Rogers lost the damn Sword again?" I shouted as I grabbed the pan and punched the rest of the Krispies.

Why the Hell my father let Mr. Rogers guard the Sword was beyond me. Mr. Rogers was the former host of a mortal freakin’ children's show.

"It was never lost the first time," Grandpa reminded me. "That was a test for your cousin Astrid. Fred Rogers is a formidable warrior and is one of the few men I know who can pull off a cardigan sweater."

I bit back my retort about asking if it disappeared while he was changing his tennis shoes and I began to eat the crushed mess on the table.

“Oookay, that seems like a bit of a problem.”

“Oh yes,” he agreed and pilfered some of my snack.

I picked at the marshmallow goo on my hands and debated asking any more questions. Curiosity won out. “Do you know who stole it?”

“Possibly.” He leaned forward and licked the table. What in the Hell was he doing? His manners were disgusting. I wondered if he got away with this at my grandma's.

“You're not going to tell me."

“Correct,” he smiled ruefully. “You are correct. Do you have any milk?" I nodded and got him the jug. I didn't bother with a glass—he wouldn't use it anyway. "Let’s get back to your lesson.”

"Can I guess who stole it?"

"Of course, but if you listen closely the answers are always there."

I watched him gulp from the container and grinned. How did he make disgusting etiquette look cute? I waited for more. More would certainly come, it just might not make any sense.

“So, where was I?” he inquired as he wiped his mouth with the edge of the tablecloth.

“Let me see… Mr. Rogers is a sucky guard, True Immortals can bite it if a date goes bad and the freakin’ Sword of Death got ripped off."

His mouth quirked with humor, “Yes, yes, of course. How many True Immortals are there?"

"It's undefined."

"So very smart." He chuckled and brushed all the crumbs to the floor. "There are eight established Immortals at the moment, but there are more in our midst."

“Grandpa, I’m sure you're not telling me this for my health.”

“Actually, I am.”

We sat in silence while I waited for him to continue. It was clear I was going to be waiting a long time and I didn't want him licking any more surfaces.

“Fine. Satan, you, God, Angel of Death, Angel of Light, Mother Nature, Astrid and… ” I paused. Who was the other one?

“So far, so good.”

“Oh… ” I was stuck. Who in the Hell was the other True Immortal?

"I hear you did the nasty with the Angel of Death."

"I did not do the nasty," I snapped. Was nothing sacred?

“Touché, and you're a terrible liar.” He grinned and shrugged. “Your mother is a True Immortal.”

“My mother is alive?” My sex life was suddenly forgotten.

“As far as I know, my sweet. I’m sure I would have heard if she bit the big one. Although if you ask me, she may as well be dead considering how she’s neglected her duties and the mess she’s made.”

“Would you like to expound on that?” He was excellent at avoidance, but he was not avoiding this.

"Nope."

I deflated like a flat tire and sagged in my chair. My head fell to my hands and I gave in to the impulse that had been clawing at me for days. I cried. Hard.

“Oh my baby.” Grandpa took me into his little arms and rocked me in the same manner most Demons couldn’t resist rocking him. He gently wiped my tears, gasped and jerked his hand back.

“What?” I choked out, alarmed by his reaction.

“Your tears.” Grandpa looked at his burnt finger with amazement. “They burned me.”

“I’m so sorry.” I was so confused. I touched the residual tears on my face to see if they burned me.

Nothing.

“Don’t be sorry, lovey.” He smiled. “It’s not your fault. One who has the strength to cry is often the strongest of all. You’re more like your mother than I realized.”

“About that,” I started.

“Don’t ask,” he cut me off. “Because I can’t tell. I can get away with a lot, but not even I can go there.”

“What in the Hell is wrong with everybody? What could be so awful? Is she a farm animal or something?” Tired of this didn’t even begin to touch on the frustration with the mom subject, but I knew a closed door when I saw one. Furthermore, he was laughing too hard at my farm animal or something question to be of much use to me. “Fine,” I said, changing the subject, “what are you doing here? I thought all of you were forbidden to communicate with me for a month.” If that turned out to be false, Hayden, my own personal Angel of Death’s ass was grass.

Grandpa was still enjoying himself at my expense so it took him a moment to gather his cute little self. My jaw clenched and I pressed my hands firmly down on the kitchen table. I had the urge to grab and squeeze him, but I knew I could control it.

“Dixie, Dixie.” He sighed the way one does after a good hearty laugh. “Rules don’t apply to me.”

He giggled and squeezed himself. Holy Hell, he’d better not do that. I wasn’t sure I could curb my hugging impulses if he was going to rub my face in it by loving on himself.

“Grandpa.” I turned away from him. I was seconds away from smothering him with kisses. “Does Dad know you’re here?”

“Not exactly, but Cole and the generals do. Those bastards are everywhere.” He got serious. “Your father suspects. He wants me here, but he can’t say that since he already laid down the law. Sooo he simply turned his head and pretended he had no idea what my plans were. Furthermore.” He grinned evilly. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but it’s quite difficult to say no to me.”

“I’ve noticed.” Amusement colored my voice and I gently touched his face. “Why are you really here?”

“I miss you." It was all I could do not to tackle him and cuddle.

“Is that all?”

He tended to save the best for last.

“Um, no.” He smiled sheepishly and took another swig of milk. “You have to drink from me again. It takes two times to ensure the Black Magic has taken and I need to implant several random messages into your head.”

“Like that wasn’t random enough?” I swallowed and attempted to tamp down my gag reflex. Blood after Rice Krispie treats did not sound good to me right now… actually ever.

“I understand how drinking from me doesn’t appeal. Hades knows it freaks me out, but you’re too important to the world for me not to do this. Not to mention I love you more than all of your sisters put together. You have never broken one bone in my body!”

As immature as it was, I loved knowing I was his favorite. “Grandpa, it’s just that blood tastes so… ” I shut my mouth. It filled with water and I knew I was close to hurling. I refused to vomit. If I vomited, he’d vomit and I’d still have to drink his blood. Oh, Uncle God, please help me.

“What if I put chocolate syrup in my mouth and then drink your blood? Will that screw anything up?” I asked, praying to Satan that my mouth would stop watering.

He wrung his hands and considered my suggestion. “I don’t see why not. It certainly makes me happier to know that you’re happy.”

I quickly grabbed the Hershey’s Syrup from the fridge while Grandpa slit his throat. I squirted a gob of liquid chocolate into my mouth and latched onto my beloved grandpa’s bloody neck.

It really was much better this way. The chocolate-blood mix tasted a bit rank, but it was greatly improved from the first blood suck-a-thon.

A burning heat rushed through my body, but instead of being scared this time I went with it. I held tightly to Grandpa as I started to convulse. I shook violently for about two minutes, then it subsided. The burning and churning was alarming, but doable because I knew it would end. I felt floaty and springy. The magic whooshed through me.

The sound of wind chimes bounced around inside my head and a feeling of absolute power consumed and unnerved me. I pulled back and searched my grandpa’s face. He was weaker and I was stronger.

“Am I killing you?” I gasped as I cuddled him carefully.

“No, my love.” His smile broadened with love and approval. “You are becoming stronger than me.”

“No,” I cried out. This was all wrong.

“Yes.” His mood was thoughtful. “This is the way it is meant to be. It should have been years from now before we had to do all this, but… ” He faded off.

“But what?” I shook him gently. My life and future were spinning out of control.

“But so much is happening, you are the only one to solve it… end it.” His smile was sad.

I touched his neck and closed the knife wound. My body automatically knew how to do things that my brain had no idea I could.

“What else do I need to know?”

“Absolute power can corrupt absolutely. People aren’t always who you think they are and the old ones have wisdom… most of the time.”

“Is that all?”

“For now,” he added cryptically.

“Oookay.” I shook my head in frustration. “And what am I supposed to do until I understand all your messages and try not to get killed?”

"Oh, you know,” he said as he giggled. “Go to community college, make friends, visit your cousin Astrid, practice Black Magic, have fun. The usual.”

"Wait. Did you say community college? I've already graduated from a college that rivals most Ivy League institutions."

"You look young and that is where you need to be."

“Holy crap, you’re serious?”

“As a heart attack,” he replied, tucking my hair behind my ears. “You are so darn pretty, my little one.”

Compliments didn't help at the moment. I paced the room and my ire rose to my throat. An utter lack of control consumed me and I turned away from my grandpa's concerned gaze.

Frustration was eating me, and instead of yelling at the little man who had only come to help I slammed my hands down on the table… and it exploded.

"Shit," I screeched. Frantically I ran for the fire extinguisher and in my haste blew up the fridge. "Son of a bitch, help me," I begged before I took down the house.

"Breathe, Dixie," Grandpa demanded in a voice that calmed me. "Control your anger. Don't let it control you."

"I can handle this," I said with more confidence than I felt. Shithellfirebuttholes , I was going with the theory that if I said something aloud enough it would be true. Again, shithellfirebuttholes.

"You can and you will," he replied with an ancient confidence that calmed me some.

“Anger is my trigger?” I asked.

"Somewhat, but the main trigger is imbalance."

"I'm imbalanced?" I snapped. That would have been a lovely thing to have known before I'd left Hell.

"No, no dear." He chuckled. "Your Grandma Gigi is imbalanced, but she has a wonderful bosom. Imbalance in the world is your trigger."

"Could you be more specific?" I asked, ignoring the part about Mother Nature's boobs.

"Lack of balance, injustice, unfairness."

"That seems a bit do-goody for a Demon," I muttered.

"Yes, well, you can blame that on your mother."

"Ahhh, the elusive mother figure that seems to have caused some of the shitstorm up here."

"Correct. Keep your eyes open, child."

"If I didn't adore you so damned much I would incinerate you too," I muttered, hating the rules of being a Demon.

"I love you," he said.

"I love you too." I leaned in to kiss him but paused. “How will I know who the Rogue Demons and Angels are?”

“Trust me, you’ll know.”

Chapter Nineteen

There was no way she could be that stupid. Community college was bad enough without this.

We’d only been going to classes with humans for three days—how could she do this to me? I ran down the smelly hallway toward the crowd that had gathered. I was conscious of my speed. I had to hold back or explain a whole lot of stuff that no one would believe anyway.

Grandpa had stayed for four days and had left this morning. He made it abundantly clear to me that I needed to behave like a human. He told me to dance more. WTH?

Carl was delighted and added ballroom dancing to our fight training sessions. Myrtle thought we should twerk. Holding back my speed was literally painful. Not many mortals could run so fast that they disappeared. There were simply too many things to remember.

The fluorescent lighting made the paint on the walls appear puke green. The colorful bulletin boards with lime green sorority rush notices couldn’t hide the fact that the college was over eighty years old and hadn’t been remodeled since the 1970’s.

I tried in vain to make my way through a group of the popular sorority girls sporting Uggs, t-shirts with Greek letters on them and super short minis. They had no intention of letting me by. I could disintegrate them with a single flick of my fingers, but that would be a bad thing and almost impossible to explain to my dad. None of the girls liked me because apparently all the boys did. The college was tiny and all who went here seemed to either be related or buddies since kindergarten. Very Deliverance.

I made a huge point of not even looking at the guys once I figured out what was going on. Not only that, but the classes were far too easy for me. I was trying to dumb it down, but it was difficult when I knew I was smarter than my teachers.

The Ugg brigade gave me no choice. I shoved my way through the overly made up mean girls to see what I knew was awaiting me but prayed to Satan was not.

Damn Myrtle, she was that stupid. Of all the dumb things she could have done, she had to do this. Was this payback for the vomit party? I’d apologized for that one repeatedly. It wasn't like she and Janet and Carl weren’t trying to kick my ass too. However, it was pointed out to me that getting your ass kicked and being spun till you puked were two different things entirely.

Myrtle was up to no good and was reliving one of the pranks she liked to play in Hell—playing dead. She lay prone on the bluish-greenish-grayish linoleum floor of the hallway between the math and science labs. The horrid lighting pouring out of the science room made her already pale skin even paler . To top it all off she didn’t appear to be breathing. Demons could go hours without breathing. I stared at my dear little fake cousin on the floor and began to brainstorm the ways I would kill her dead later.

"Oh God, she's dead," one vapid girl shrieked and others followed suit.

Students sobbed and held each other. One had fainted and I was fairly sure one was about to get sick. Myrtle was getting a much better reaction here on Earth than she ever got in Hell. A super-cute guy had begun CPR and I could swear she smirked.

That was about all I could take.

“Excuse me,” I said as I pushed my way past the last mean girl.

“Watch it,” Blondie hissed. “Can’t you see there’s a dead girl? Show some respect, for God’s sake.”

“Like He’s ever shown me any,” I mumbled.

“What is wrong with you? Are you slow or something?” she asked, completely confused. She was as nasty as some of the ickier Demons in Hell.

“Aren’t you a sweetie.” I rolled my eyes and confused her even more. Hell’s Bells, I wanted to shut Blondie’s mouth so badly I felt my fingers tingle. I quickly clapped my hands. “She’s my cousin,” I informed the bitchy blonde. “And she’s not dead.”

“Yeah, right.” She and her attractive minions looked at me like I had three heads.

Myrtle wasn’t the only one I was going to deal with later. Blondie needed to learn some manners. I turned my back on the Meanies and gingerly pulled Cute Guy off of Myrtle. He seemed to be enjoying himself a little too much. I wasn’t sure if he was a necrophiliac or if he was simply a good Samaritan.

“She has narcolepsy.” They all stared at me blankly. For real? Hades, these mortals were slow. “You know, when you fall asleep without warning,” I enlightened the grieving crowd as I yanked the first explanation I could think of out of my ass. I have to say as far as lies went it was pretty good. The group of about thirty gasped and began to cheer. Where were the professors? Hell forbid one had called an ambulance. I was grateful no one with authority was in the vicinity. The students were still crying, but now they were high fiving, hugging and chest bumping as well. These humans were the weirdest and creepiest species ever.

Cute Guy shoved me out of the way and clasped Myrtle to his chest as crocodile tears of joy rolled down his unblemished cheeks.

“Wake up,” he yelled. “Wake up, Sleeping Beauty.” He shook her and glanced over at me suspiciously. “I think she’s dead.” He gulped hard and bit back the hysteria that was mighty close to the surface.

The crowd was no longer with me. They were torn between hoping she was alive and hoping she was dead. A death in the math-science hallway would mean no school for at least a week and automatic A's on finals for everyone. Actually, I couldn’t blame them. If I were in their shoes I’m not sure which way I’d go. Nevertheless, she wasn’t dead and Cute Guy was riding my very last nerve.

My lips thinned in irritation and it was everything I could do to keep my eyes from going red. Myrtle was going to pay. “Give her to me.” My stare drilled into Cute Guy and he reluctantly handed her over. She might not be dead now, but she was going to be so dead after I killed her so bad when we got home.

I pressed my lips to her ear. To the crowd of doubting co-eds, it looked as if I was whispering gentle endearments. They were very wrong.

“If you don’t open your eyes right now I will kill you myself,” I told her with a loving smile on my face for the benefit of our audience. “I will see to it that you end up in the Basement of Hell burning for eternity. I will visit you weekly and pour alcohol all over your open wounds and I will finish that off by dipping you in salt. And if that’s not enough, I’ll make sure you’re placed right next to our skanky hag therapist till the end of time.”

That did it.

Myrtle eyes shot open so fast I dropped her. Actually, I dropped her on purpose. Just for fun.

The crowd went wild and Cute Guy grabbed her and laid a big wet one right on her lips. She squealed, turned bright red, leaned in and gave Cute Guy another smackaroo. The cat calls and whistles came fast and furious. The good will and happiness amongst the jaded and over-it co-eds was contagious. Some of the girls even smiled at me. Maybe I wouldn’t kill Myrtle.

As quickly as it started it was over. We all scattered like mice when we heard it. Not the bell to change classes… the ambulance in the distance to retrieve the dead girl.

Chapter Twenty

"I'm a freakin' college graduate. This is ridiculous," I muttered.

"I like college. You just need to try harder."

"If Grandpa hadn't insisted I be there I'd be cutting classes like my dad wanted me to in Hell."

"Such a good little Demon," Myrtle said as she ransacked my closet for clothes.

"None of that will fit you," I snapped as she hugged my favorite t-shirt to her chest.

"Sure it will. My boobs are bigger." She swiped my shirt and raced from my room.

Her boobs were not bigger and a week and a half of community college on Earth had worn me out. Playing dumb, trying to move slowly and making sure my eyes didn’t turn red was hard--plus nobody liked me. Myrtle, an outcast in Hell, had joined a sorority and had a boyfriend. Cute Guy, aka Timmy Smith the necrophiliac, was her man.

I was not asked to join a sorority and I was not popular. I was more of a smart nerd, but even the nerds seemed wary of me. I was grudgingly tolerated by the mean girls because I was Myrtle's cousin. They still thought I was after their gross human boyfriends. As if. I had a boyfriend… a soul mate. At least I thought I did. I was counting the minutes until I was allowed communication with Hell.

Even though Myrtle seemed quite happy being popular, a Demon was still a Demon. Besides playing dead in public places, she was also practicing her other bizarre hobby on Earth—shaving and dyeing people’s pets in the dead of night to look like wild animals. I had spotted a number of dogs and cats in town resembling lions and tigers and skunks. The townfolk of Eden were stymied. She also joyfully appeared to be pitting the popular mean girls against each other. I couldn’t say I minded that one.

As I wandered to my closet I hid my favorite t-shirts. "No way she's swiping these," I muttered to no one, since being alone seemed to be my new MO.

I missed home so much it physically hurt. Thoughts of Hayden made me feel short of breath. He was in my every waking thought. And my dad. Oh, my dad. Thinking of him made my heart ache. I knew he hadn’t abandoned me, but the irrational side of me was still hurt and angry. I was sure he was visiting me in my dreams, but in the morning when I woke everything was too hazy to remember.

So here I was, in a place I had no desire to be, with no friends and nothing to do but go to community college, come home to get my ass kicked by Carl during fight training and wait for the Balance of Chaos, Angels or the evil Rogue Demons I was supposed to kill. Good times, good times. I used to drive a Porsche, have gobs of friends, family and invitations to everything. This sucked.

I missed my Porsche, but dad had set me up with a cool little Mustang convertible. Driving around Eden had become my new hobby. I had to keep moving or I’d find myself a portal to Hell and go home to be with Hayden. I knew that was the worst thing I could possibly do. My dad would be furious. I owed it to him, myself and Hayden to be brave and do whatever the Hell I was supposed to do.

Again to say Eden, Kentucky was beautiful was an understatement of epic proportions. It was loaded with gardens. Exquisite flower gardens. Every residence, business, school and park boasted landscaping that left you breathless. I wondered if they tested potential residents for green thumbs. Blanche loved the gardens.

Speaking of Blanche, Grandpa hadn’t been surprised in the least that the book with the heartbeat turned out to be my invisible best friend. He thought that it was a lot more convenient to have someone tell me the rules instead of having to read them. I explained to him that she hadn’t taught me anything and I had no idea where she was and he laughed. Laughed. I almost punched him in his cute little head. However, he did show me how to cloak myself in invisibility and how to transport without a portal. Janet thought it was hilarious that I kept ending up in the bathroom no matter where I tried to transport. She thought possibly my magic system might be clogged. I turned her skin lime green for two hours for that lovely pun. If I was any kind of decent Demon I would have left her green for a week.

I might be a wussy Demon occasionally, but I certainly wasn't a wussy driver. Ever. I topped out at ninety-eight as I made my way down the long country road into town. I needed to kill a couple of hours before I got my ass handed to me by Carl, so I decided to go shopping.

* * *

The candle shop was cute. The whole freakin’ downtown area was cute. “Light My Fire”, I’m not kidding, the uber kitschy candle store was empty. So much for a bustling economy in Eden, Kentucky. It did smell lovely inside. I moved immediately to the grapefruit, lemony-smelling candles and started sniffing. I could spend hours in a candle shop sniffing every candle in the entire store. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I loved them all. Of course I’d leave with a raging headache and reeking of cinnamon and vanilla, but I couldn’t seem to stop myself. Stella and I used to do it at least every other week. Hades, I missed Stella.

“Can I help you?’

Crap, I knew that bitchy voice. That voice liked me about as much as I liked it. Damn it, now I wasn’t going to be able to sniff my way into a migraine. She was such a buzzkill. I willed my eyes to stay gold as I turned to find Blondie, aka Lucy Adams, glaring at me. Hands on her popular hips and peaches and cream complexion all flustered. All American golden girl and a big fat hairy bitch all rolled into one.

“I don’t know, can you?” I narrowed my eyes and considered teaching her a lesson. I had never done anything to her and she was as mean as a snake. Maybe I would give her a gnarly case of acne or perhaps relieve her of her blonde flowing locks. She was so nasty at school I was itching to do something ugly.

“What do you want, Dixie?” she sneered. “This is my dad’s store, among others, so of course I can help you. Do I want to help you? No. Do I have to? Yes.”

“What in the Hell did I do to you to make you act like such a gaping hole?”

She stopped dead in her tracks and looked confused for a moment. “I don’t know.” She shrugged to hide her confusion. “I just hate you.”

“Well, that’s lovely,” I retorted with cold sarcasm. “At least I have a reason to hate you.”

“Why?”

Was she serious?

“Because.” I smiled and flicked her golden locks. “You’re a bitch.”

She opened her mouth to impart some kind of sage wisdom but got cut short.

“Lucy Adams,” a male voice roared from the back storeroom. It sent a chill up my spine and I was from Hell.

“You should leave,” she hissed as she frantically pushed me toward the door.

“Can I do anything?” I whispered. I was desperate to get her out of this place, not to mention myself. My fingers tingled. I could feel my power increasing, feeding off the anger, fear and imbalance in the shop.

“Get out,” she ground out through clenched teeth. “My father is not your problem.”

“But,” I started.

“Out.” She colored fiercely. “You’ll make it worse.”

She was about to cry and I was completely undone. My fists clenched at my sides and the tingling in my fingers increased. Why was there such a sense of evil in this place, and why hadn’t I noticed it when I walked in? My heart pounded furiously in my chest as I turned to leave.

When she was satisfied I was going, she turned and ran into the back room. I plastered myself against the wall by the entrance and waited. What was I going to do? I had no idea, but I knew I couldn’t just leave.

The first thud and gasp made my stomach roil. The second punch and the crying and moaning made my heat rush through my body with a violent jolt. The third made me go numb. Fathers didn’t do this to their daughters. Rage flew through my body and burned for release. I knew I could stop this Hell on Earth. I cloaked myself with invisibility and carefully made my way to the back room.

The sounds were bad, but the visual was far worse.

Lucy Adams lay in the corner of the storeroom curled into a ball. Her lip was bloody and her eye was swollen shut. She clutched her stomach and moaned quietly. Her eyes were glassy and she stared into nothingness. She looked like a beautiful broken doll.

“When I call you,” her father shouted as he gritted his teeth in fury, “you will come.” He stood about six feet tall and was a big burly man. He’d probably been handsome in his youth, but the years and anger had ravaged his looks.

“We had a customer, Dad,” Lucy whispered faintly.

“I don’t give a goddamn,” he said harshly and laughed. He reared his foot back and slammed it into her stomach. He seemed sickly comfortable with the move.

Her eyes rolled back into her head. She bit down on her lower lip, drawing blood, but refusing to scream.

He glared at her. “You’re as useless as your mother was.”

Her lower bloody lip trembled as she returned his glare. “She’s lucky she’s dead.”

“Well,” he growled, “we can certainly remedy that.” He went to kick her again with his steel-toed boot.

My power had reached such a frenzy from all the evil and hatred and fear, it was use it or lose it.

Still under the cloak of invisibility, I pointed to his stomach and shot a massive dose of acid-like energy there. He screamed in shock and doubled over, slamming his head on the table as he went down. That was an unintentional bonus. Blood gushed from his hairline. I knew the excruciating stomach pain would last about four hours. How did I know that? No clue… I just did. Four hours of Hellish pain wasn’t enough for a bastard like him, but it would have to do for now. I couldn’t give myself away, but I wasn’t quite through yet. I pinched my fingers together like little chompers. I repeated the motion, gaining speed and grinned delightedly as he started to slap at his body while still writhing around the floor in agony.

The feeling of slimy pinching bugs would stay with him for about twenty-four hours. I was tempted to go farther, but the utter shock on Lucy Adams face made me stop.

She stood slowly, a bloody bruised mess, and cautiously made her way out of the storeroom, never taking her eyes from the revolting man she called her father. The minute she hit the shop she ran and she didn’t look back.

I stared in disgust at the human pig on the floor and I knew why Lucy Adams was so mean. How could she not be, if she lived with this on a daily basis? People thought Hell was bad? It was nothing compared to what I’d seen on Earth.

I gave a last fleeting glance to the pile of shit on the floor, turned and left.

Chapter Twenty-One

I really wanted to go home. At least evil was defined in Hell. Bad was bad and good was good. The lines didn’t cross like they did on Earth and you didn’t get away with it in Hell. True evil was punished. On Earth? From what I’d seen, not so much. Lucy Adam’s dad just beat her and would probably get away with it. It did not seem like an isolated incident. I didn’t like her, but I needed to find Lucy. She needed a hospital. I ran out of the shop and tripped over a big pile of fur.

A dog lay bloody and whimpering in front of the candle shop. What in the Hell was wrong with this town? Fathers beat their daughters and people hit dogs with their cars and drove away? His battered body lay half on the bricked sidewalk and half in the street. I quickly shed my invisibility and knelt down next to the poor creature. His breathing was labored. Looking up and down Main Street for an owner, a person or a car proved futile. The town was deserted. How was it that nobody was out and about at four in the afternoon?

I ran my hands through the fur that wasn’t bloody. The animal’s body was tense. It didn’t trust me. “Dear Satan, what are you?” I couldn’t tell if it was a dog or a wolf. It kind of looked like both. Even through the blood I could tell the animal had a beautiful golden coat. It had to be a dog.

The dog-wolf thing wagged its long tail and gasped from the effort. His body was still coiled tight, but he seemed to understand I wanted to help. Although there was no collar he didn’t look mangy or flea bitten.

“Okay, big doggie or wolfie, I need to find you a vet. My powers are getting better, but I don’t think I can fix this. Plus, I just used a buttload of magic to put a daughter-beating asshole into agony.” He looked pathetic lying bloody and mangled on the ground. “You sure picked a Hell of a place to live,” I told him. “Full of child abusers and animal killers.”

The dog-wolf stared into my eyes for an unusually long moment and then relaxed his body. A spurt of delight shot through me at his acceptance. I wasn’t sure what I said or what tone of voice made him happy, but I didn’t care. So many people on Earth didn’t like me—I wasn’t sure if I could take animals not liking me either.

I tried to examine his wounds to figure out the extent of his injuries, but there was too much blood and one of his eyes was swollen shut. Even if I did know how to fix him, I really had temporarily depleted my magic on Lucy Adam’s abomination of a father. And I didn’t think this animal had the time for me to go find some evil or angry people to refuel.

“Okay buddy, I’m going to pick you up and find a vet.”

He sighed and closed his one good eye. I wasn’t quite sure how to interpret that but it worried me. Was he close to death? I moved in closer. Most people wouldn’t go near a bloody injured dog-wolf, but most people weren’t immortal Demons. Short of the thing taking my entire head off, a few bites and scratches might sting but they wouldn’t kill me.

As I bent to pick him up my body locked and I was paralyzed with a vision. Oh shit no, please tell me Black Magic didn't include visions. Sloth's life was a living Hell with her visions… Knowing fighting was futile, I closed my eyes and went with it.

In a hazy stream of light Hayden appeared. My breath caught in my throat and I reached out to touch his beautiful face, but my hand went right through him.

He wore all black and his face was sad.

"Hayden? Are you here or have I truly lost it?"

"I'm here, Dixie."

"Why?" I asked. "I thought everyone was forbidden."

"It's not a social call."

I shook my head in confusion.

"The wolf, Dixie. I'm here to take the wolf."

"No," I said, realizing he was acting as the Angel of Death. "No, absolutely not. You can't seriously tell me you take animals to wherever animals go when they die."

"That's correct. I don't."

"Then leave," I yelled. "This is my wolf. He's an animal and I'm keeping him." Why was he being such an asshole? If this was his way of getting around my father's rules to see me it was stupid.

"This one is my gift to you," he said. "Because I love you I will not take the wolf."

"Good," I snapped. He began to fade away and I wanted to scream. "Will you come back? As just Hayden?" I pleaded as he faded farther and farther away.

"I will come to you soon," he promised. "My life is empty without you in it."

"Mine is too," I replied to air since he was gone. This was quickly going down as one of the suckiest days ever. I half expected a gaggle of Angels to pop up out of nowhere and try to off my ass.

The wolf wimpered.

“All right,” I told him as I scanned the area for danger. “I’m going to pick you up. I’ll try not to hurt you, but you look like you’re hurting bad anyway.” Damn if that wolf didn’t look as if he knew what I was saying. Why did Hayden come for a wolf? One more piece of the puzzle I would figure out… and I would. Soon.

I thought about putting the bleeding animal in my car, but I figured carrying him would be easier on his body. Besides, Main Street wasn’t that long—the vet had to be close. I pushed Hayden from my mind and focused on the wolf-dog.

“I’m going to call you Steve,” I told him. “I’ve always wanted to name an animal Steve. It’s just wrong in such a good way. You know?”

The dog moaned, either from pain or the fact I was naming him Steve.

“Oh please,” I cooed, gently stroking his snout, “it could be worse. I could have said Skippy or Bubba.”

I gingerly wedged my arms beneath him and tried to avoid any open wounds. Damn it if this wasn’t going to ruin my favorite Sock Monkey t-shirt. I was glad the street was deserted—I would have a hard time explaining how I was able to carry a hundred pound bloody dog-wolf with ease.

I’d find a vet and get him fixed up and I’d keep him. Yep, I’d keep him. The thought made me giddy. I didn’t think Carl, Janet or Myrtle would mind. If they did, screw ’em. I was keeping the dog-wolf. Steve needed me. Clearly he was a special dog-wolf if my own Angel of Death had come to get him. Forget Hayden. Save the dog.

Sweet Baby Satan, I hadn’t felt so happy in a while. I looked down at my new dog-wolf and I smiled. Bloody mess or not, he was mine. I just needed him to live.

“Do you know which way the vet is?” I asked my wonderful new pet named Steve.

Steve leaned his head to the left. I froze. “Did you just point to the left?” Was I losing it from loneliness and giving an animal human traits, or was my dog simply brilliant? I searched his pain-glazed eyes as he blankly stared back. A bizarre sense of sadness enveloped me. He didn’t understand me, but he’d definitely seen some bad things in his short life. I suppose I'd have to label myself lonely and losing it. Nonetheless, I was going to the left.

I wanted to move at Demon speed, but knowing it might freak out Steve I walked. Off we went, moving at a dreadfully slow human pace, looking left and right for an animal hospital.

Holding back on my instinct for speed was making me sweat, or maybe it was the hundred pound bleeding mound of fur I was carrying. Whatever—I didn’t like it. You didn’t sweat in Hell. Well not unless you were frying in the basement—or having sex. Damn it, forget Hayden. Save the dying dog.

Did this town even have a vet? Steve was so quiet in my arms I was beginning to panic. “Are you okay, sweetie?” I muttered, burying my chin in his fur.

He grunted softly, sighed and laid his big head on my shoulder. I wasn’t sure if it was his drool or his blood running down my back. Neither boded well. I needed help. Fast.

The sun bounced off something shiny about two blocks down. The glare was blinding. I took it as an omen and moved toward it. Picking up my pace a little bit, I moved as quickly as I thought was safe for my dog.

It wasn’t something shiny—it was someone shiny. It was Blanche. She had some explaining to do.

She was perched on a wooden bench of the lovely if not slightly over-manicured front lawn of Happy Hacienda Senior Citizens Home. She was deep in conversation with an old woman who was either dead or sound asleep. The old woman was slim and had obviously been a beauty in her youth. She was ethereal. Her eyes were closed and her lashes were so long they brushed her cheeks, her long tapered fingers were clasped at her chest and her feet were crossed at the ankle. The topper was they were encased in red sequined Uggs. This little old lady was rockin’ some style. However, the turquoise blue housecoat knocked her down a few notches. She had a serene look on her strangely unlined face. She must have some scary good genes. I doubted she’d look so relaxed if she knew a silver-skinned, blue-eyed Demon was spilling her life story right next to her. My dear invisible friend was talking a mile a minute. Clearly she was as lonely as I was.

“Blanche,” I called, catching her off guard. “What in the Hell are you doing? And where have you been? You can’t keep disappearing when I need you.”

“Dixie,” she hissed, flinging her arms out in alarm and narrowly missing the old woman’s head. “You can’t just sneak up on me like that!”

“How is walking up to you in broad daylight carrying a hundred pound bleeding dog sneaking up on you?” I shot back.

“That’s a dog?” She got up to examine Steve.

“Of course it’s a dog. Well, I think it’s a dog,” I offered lamely. “Where have you been?”

“I have stuff I have to do,” she snapped. She almost beat my grandpa for the top prize in avoidance of questions. She peered at the furry mess in my arms, successfully distracting me from my interrogation. “What happened to it?”

“I don’t know, but I love him and I’m keeping him and his name is Steve.”

“That’s an awesome name.”

“I know,” I grinned. “Isn’t it?”

“Steve looks kind of dead.” Blanche circled me, checking Steve from all angles.

“He’s not dead,” I insisted. “Your friend on the bench looks more dead than Steve.”

We both stared at the old woman on the bench for a moment. “She’s too pink to be dead. Besides, if you look really close her chest is moving,” Blanche whispered, checking the old lady out.

“Fine.” I nodded. “She’s not dead and neither is Steve. He’s hurt. Can you fix him?”

“I don’t know,” she began.

“What do you mean you don’t know?” I narrowed my eyes at her as I gently laid my dog on the ground at my feet. “You can turn into a book and a tornado. You can disappear and reappear whenever you feel like it. Why in the Hell can’t you fix my dog?”

“I don’t have healing magic,” she retorted angrily.

“What does that even mean? How can there be a difference in mag… ”

“But you do,” she cut me off.

“I do what?” Lucifer, she was exasperating. Steve was beginning to cough up blood and my heart constricted in my throat.

“You have healing magic from your mother,” Blanche informed me.

“Holy Hell,” I shouted. Fear for Steve and anger at Blanche was knotting me up inside. “Do you know who my mother is too?”

“No, I don’t know who she is for Satan’s sake, and if I did I would tell you.” She glared at me. “I don’t know how I know but I’m sure you can heal things.”

“How do I do it?”

She paused for too long. “I have no idea,” she mumbled.

“You’re joking.” I held my raw emotion in check. Surely I misunderstood her. She was supposed to teach me how to use my power.

Her icy blue eyes clouded over with tears. “I’m not joking.”

I swallowed the firestorm of swear words I wanted to hurl at her. I knelt down on the ground by Steve and tried to heal him. I closed my eyes, hoping desperately that my healing magic would come to me. I felt no tingle, no spark. Damn it. I tried visualizing my dog whole and healthy… Nothing.

“It’s not working, Blanche.” I attempted to hide the feeling of dread inside but I couldn’t. Why was this dog’s future affecting me so much? Was he more than a dog?

“Because you need something to love you,” Blanche replied to my thought.

I didn’t have the energy to tell her to get out of my head. I wasn’t sure if that was even a possibility.

“I’m so sorry, Steve.” I gulped hard and tried to hold back my tears. No such luck. Grandpa said tears were strength and I decided to believe him. Steve was dying and despite all my hoo-doo voo-doo gifts, I was useless. I leaned over him and stroked his big head, my tears falling unchecked all over him. I rocked back and forth. The pain I felt was intense. I was still unsure why his death was hurting me like this. I’d known him for less than an hour. Maybe Blanche was right. I did need something to love me.

“No way,” Blanche gasped. “How can it be so simple? Heal with pain,” she muttered. “Your pain heals.”

What in the Hell was she talking about? My dog was dying and she was babbling nonsense. I turned to look at her.

“No,” she barked. “Keep your eyes over Steve and cry.” She was fascinated. “Your tears are healing him. It’s your tears, Dixie. Your tears have magic. Look.”

She was right. My tears that had burned my grandpa were healing my dog. His ridiculous cryptic clues were beginning to make sense. Everywhere my tears landed on Steve, his wounds knitted themselves shut. I cautiously began to massage my teardrops all over his broken body—every open wound, bruise and cut. Adrenaline shot through me and sparks began to appear at my fingertips. I quickly clapped my hands as I didn’t want to set Steve on fire. My tears had changed to ones of joy, but that didn’t matter. The healing properties seemed the same. I had done it. I saved my dog. He looked up at me with gratitude and something else in his eyes. A noise and the scent of gardenias knocked me back from my magic high.

“Oh thank heavens, you found my wolf,” the old woman cried joyfully. Her voice was melodic and bizarrely familiar to me. She smelled lightly of gardenias. Was she a retired old Hollywood actress I’d seen in the movies? She was certainly pretty enough. Her long lashes framed the most beautiful violet eyes I’d ever seen. Back in her day she must have been a knockout. As lovely as she was, she was sorely mistaken. Steve was not a wolf—he was a dog and he was mine. Of course Steve picked that very moment to look up at the old woman and wag his tail happily.

“Steve is yours?” I asked quietly, my heart breaking just a little bit.

Blanche stepped in to defend me, like that was going to do any good. She was invisible. “He’s not a wolf, he’s a dog and Dixie saved his life so he’s hers,” she insisted, moving to stand between the old woman and my Steve.

“Oh sweetie,” the old woman gently touched Blanche’s cheek. “It’s a wolf and it’s not a he. It’s a she.” She walked around Blanche and squatted next to me. “Thank you, my beautiful child for saving Lucky. My wolf means the world to me.” Her violet eyes searched my face. I felt caught. I couldn’t look away.

Her voice… what was it about her voice? Steve, aka Lucky, how I missed that he was a girl I’d never know, leaned into the old woman and lovingly licked her. She was so happy and I was so sad. It was like a bad dream. Blanche stood there in a stupor.

“You can see me?” she whispered.

“It would be pretty hard to miss you with that silver skin and those gorgeous blue eyes.” The old woman laughed.

Blanche was shocked to silence. A first in my experience, but I was speechless too. She should not be able to see Blanche, and if she could see her, she should be alarmed at the very least… terrified at the most. I was quite sure this was no ordinary old lady. She had a wolf for a pet and she could see my imaginary friend. She wasn’t a Demon—I could sense a Demon. She hadn’t tried to kill me, so I surmised she wasn’t an Angel. Plus Angels didn’t age. She was something else. I just had no idea what.

“Cat got your tongue, little girl?” The old woman smiled and winked at Blanche. “Lord knows it’s been working fine for the last two hours.” She chuckled. “You have an extraordinary imagination.”

I laughed, partially from shock and partially because of the look on Blanche’s face. “What are you?” I asked, wondering if she had any clue what we were.

“Just a crazy old lady with a wolf for a pet.” She smiled. My breath caught in my throat and I fought back the urge to reach out and touch her. It was similar to the feeling I got around my grandpa. I could tell Blanche had the same impulse.

The smell of cookies made me look up and I spotted a round, cheery nurse walking toward us. Grinning from ear to ear she moved closer and walked right through Blanche. Holy Hades, I’d never seen that before, but then again Blanche usually showed up when I was alone. I glanced quickly at the old woman to see if she noticed, but she seemed blissfully unaware that a four hundred pound perky gal in a nurse uniform just walked through the silver girl.

“Howdy Miss Evelyn, I see your dog came home.” She smiled and shook her head.

“It’s a wolf,” the old woman named Evelyn patiently corrected her.

“Wolf, smulf, you need to get a collar on that damn dog. It runs off more than it’s here.” She put out her big beefy hand and tenderly helped Miss Evelyn to her feet. “Who’s your little friend here?” she asked as she smoothed Miss Evelyn’s housecoat.

“This is Dixie.” Miss Evelyn smiled at me. “Dixie, this is Rhonda.”

“Nice to meetcha.” Rhonda extended her hand and I shook it. She was warm and soft and smelled like vanilla and sugar.

“Nice to meet you too,” I replied, watching Lucky get to her feet and press her body to Miss Evelyn. “Well, I’d better go,” I said, halfway hoping Miss Evelyn would ask me to stay. I went to shake her hand, but she pulled me into an embrace and hugged me hard. I stiffened. I wasn’t used to affection from women. My sisters all loved me, but no woman ever held me. I felt dizzy and a little lightheaded.

Tentatively I wrapped my arms around her and let my head lay on her shoulder. It felt so right. I didn’t want to let go.

“Come back and see me sometime, Dixie,” she whispered. “And bring Blanche.”

She disengaged herself, took Rhonda’s big hand in her slender one and walked back into the senior home. Lucky followed close on her heels. The sense of loss I felt was acute. What in the Hell just happened here? I shook my head and ran my hand through my hair. This was going to go down as the weirdest day ever.

“Do you think she’s psychic?” I asked Blanche.

“Possibly, or maybe she’s just crazy. Really nice, but crazy,” she replied. We stood in silence and mulled the options.

“Should we tell anybody about her?” I wondered aloud.

Blanche thought for a moment. “No, I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Why?”

Blanche worried her bottom lip with her teeth. “I have no clue, it’s just a feeling.” She paused and then took my hand. “Dixie, I’m sorry I haven’t been around.”

I leaned in and kissed her cheek. I could never stay mad at her. “Come on,” I said wearily. “It’s time to go home and get my ass kicked.”

“Haven’t you had it kicked enough today?” she asked.

“Metaphorically? Yes. Literally? No.” I grinned and squeezed her hand as I guided us toward my car.

“Why don’t you just transport us?” she asked.

“One, because my car is parked down the street and two, because we’ll end up in a bathroom somewhere.”

Blanche giggled and I rolled my eyes.

Life on Earth kind of sucked. I still had over two weeks before I could communicate with anyone from Hell and I wasn’t sure I could make it. I wondered if Hayden would have to wait the two weeks to come to me. The thought was depressing and I pushed it to the back of my mind. I would deal with it, but then again it didn’t look like I had much of a choice.

Chapter Twenty-Two

When we got home from the strangest afternoon ever, Blanche nearly laughed herself silly watching Carl hand me my butt during fight practice. I wanted to slap her, but I was too busy defending myself from a two hundred and fifty pound hairy man in gauchos and a rainbow tie-dyed muscle shirt. Carl’s fashion choices were appalling yet riveting.

Anyway, I knew I was improving. Hand to hand combat wasn’t my strong point, but Carl was determined to change that. Even though it hurt like Hell I loved him for pushing me. Carl was unaware of our invisible audience, so my giggling at the insults Blanche was hurling mystified him. I suppose he thought I’d either lost my mind or I was starting to enjoy the pain.

Blanche stayed with me through the night. We slept like two little babies curled into balls together. I felt safe, happy and warm. I was so grateful she had shared my experience with Steve and Miss Evelyn. I needed someone to verify I wasn’t insane. I realized I hadn't told her about Hayden, but when I woke she was gone. Sadly I expected that and idly wondered when I’d see her again.

I yanked on my favorite jeans, a comfy old sweatshirt that said Hell’s Not For Pussies, some purple Uggs and made my way downstairs for breakfast. I was hoping Janet would make pancakes—she was a killer cook. I paused mid-stair. Something was off… There was a powerful Demonic presence in the house. I was unsure if it was evil or civil. I cloaked myself in invisibility, took a deep breath and continued to the kitchen.

Carl, Janet and Myrtle were prostrate on the floor, foreheads touching the ground and hands placed facedown next to their heads. Janet was trembling, Carl’s body was so tense I could see the veins bulging in his neck and Myrtle looked like a coil about to spring. WTF?

The Demon’s back was to me. He wore a long black cloak with a hood, total bad B movie get-up. The scene was bizarre and somewhat ominous, but his scent was familiar. I floated around him to see who was making my little family bow to him in servitude. As far as I knew my dad was the only one to receive that honor.

All my fear evaporated and a shriek of happiness escaped me as I shed my invisibility and scared the Hell out of Cole. My father’s second in command had come to see me. He shouted a curse and fell backwards into the kitchen table.

“Oh, I am so sorry,” I gasped and immediately tried to help him to his feet.

He pushed my hand away and quickly stood in an attempt to maintain his dignity and authority.

“Your Highness.” He gave a curt bow and pretended he hadn’t just been sprawled on his ass in my kitchen. I bit back my giggles and curtsied.

“Cole,” I mumbled, biting hard on the inside of my cheek as his wipeout replayed in my head.

I moved in with Demon speed to hug him and turn him away from the trio on the floor. Their bodies were trembling. Not from fear… from laughter. I was a Demon Princess, daughter of Satan. There was nothing he could do to me, but my little family?… I wasn’t so sure. Demons with power could be dangerous and testy. Cole, my father’s right hand man, had a lot of power.

He seemed taken aback at my show of affection and carefully disengaged himself. I suppose it was a bit out of character for me to hug him. I’d never done anything of the sort before, but it was the first diversionary tactic that came to mind.

“So I see you have learned to cloak yourself in invisibility.” He nodded, stating the obvious. “What other powers have emerged?”

“Well, I can transport, but no matter where I’m trying to go I always end up in the bathroom.” I grinned. He didn’t. “What are you doing here?”

He adjusted his cloak and looked disdainfully at the Demons on the floor before him. “I was making rounds on Earth and came by to check on your wellbeing, Your Highness.” He spoke with rigid formality.

“Cole, it’s me, Dixie. What’s with all the Your Highness stuff?”

“Of course.” He smiled. “Dixie. How are you?”

“Okay, I guess.” I paused and looked down at my hands. “Are there any messages for me?”

“No, I’m sorry. None.” His tone was gentle. I wondered if my dad had decreed no messages. Satan was such a wad. Cole continued, “I want you to know there are many on this plane that would wish you ill.”

“I already got that message loud and clear.” I sighed, feeling lonelier than ever.

Cole became alarmed, his voice clipped. “Has anything unusual happened?”

“Um… no.” His manner made me uncomfortable. Did he know something I should know? “Well… ”

“Yes?” He waited.

I mulled over what I was going to say in my head for a moment. What in the Hell wasn’t unusual about my life right now? I was about to tell him about Miss Evelyn, but then I’d have to explain Blanche and her silver skin, the book, the tornado, my black magic, drinking blood from Grandpa and how my tears healed a wolf that I thought was going to be my new dog named Steve. Although what really made my mouth stay shut is that I knew anything I said would get back to my dad. I was pissed at my dad. If he wouldn’t let me have access to my old life, he couldn’t have access to my new life.

“The girls at college don’t like me.” I figured I had to say something. Vapid and clueless felt right, so I went with it.

“Oh,” he laughed, clearly relieved not to have to deal with anything serious. I could tell he also thought I was a spoiled rotten brat. I’d never noticed his attitude in Hell, but I was never around him very much. “You’re a beautiful woman. I’m sure they’re jealous.”

There was an awkward pause. He stared at the ceiling while I stared at him. He was a very handsome Demon, but he paled in comparison to my father. Then again, who didn’t?

“How’s my dad?” I asked quietly.

“Very well,” he replied. “Does this house have a security system? Is it warded with magic?” he inquired.

“Yeth, my Lord,” Carl muttered from his floor-licking position.

“Good,” Cole said, barely acknowledging Carl.

“Is Dad still dating Sandra?” I was desperate for any gossip from Hell. I remembered Cole keeping an eye on her as she tried to claim her territory at the Dark Palace. I was hoping to have a laugh about the silicone piece of trash that my father was involved with. Cole wasn’t a real talkative Demon but I was hoping for something.

“Amanda—her name is Amanda,” he corrected me. “And yes, he is. We are very fortunate that Lucifer has chosen a consort as accomplished and as powerful as Amanda. It is a miracle that she carries his son. You should treat her and speak of her with the respect she is due.”

That was the longest group of words I’d ever heard Cole string together in my entire life. You’d think he had the hots for Amanda. Hell, he probably did. Demons were like that. Whatever my dad had everyone else wanted. Each time my father ended an affair the line of potential suitors for Satan’s ex-gal-pal was miles long. Literally.

“Um… sure,” I shrugged. I didn’t like her and I never would, but being polite probably wouldn’t kill me. I didn’t believe she would have a boy. If she did, I’d like to see some DNA test results.

“I must take my leave now.” His tone was clipped and formal again. Was it because I made fun of the surgically enhanced consort? I knew Cole took his job seriously, but come on. “Remember, there are many who want you dead. Stay alert.”

“For what, exactly?” Could anyone from Hell be specific or was I just going to keep getting these generalized death threats?

“You’ll know when you see it.” He wrapped his flowing black cloak tightly around his body. I wondered if Dad had any idea how cheesy his minions were looking in their bad Demon attire. He began to turn to mist.

“Wait,” I yelled.

He paused, half of his body had already disappeared into a mist, but the top half was still corporeal. Damn, he was a powerful Demon.

“Will you tell my dad I love him?” I felt dumb sending a message through Mr. Life of the Party, but my need was great.

“Of course, Your Highness.” He smiled and disappeared.

The silence in my kitchen was long.

“Ith he gone?” Carl whispered.

“Yep,” I helped them up. “Why were you guys on the floor?”

“Becauth heth an athhole,” Carl muttered as he brushed the dust from the floor off of Janet’s dress.

“He forced us,” Myrtle said through clenched teeth. She pulled out a frying pan and slammed it down on the stove. Oh shit, was she going to cook? Last time she cooked the smoke alarm went off, the indoor sprinkler system came on and the Eden Volunteer Fire Department showed up.

Janet’s head was bowed and she was staring at the floor.

“Janet, are you okay?” I asked, trying unsuccessfully to take the frying pan from Myrtle.

“No, she’s not.” Myrtle’s pretty features hardened in anger. “Look at her.”

I approached Janet and gently lifted her chin. Her eye was swelling shut and there was a deep ugly laceration on her cheekbone. My stomach clenched and Janet refused to meet my eyes.

“What happened to you?” I had a difficult time reining in the fury that was about to set my fingertips on fire. My hair began to float around my head.

“Nothing,” she whispered and turned her head away from me.

“What happened to her?” I turned on Carl and Myrtle. It was a huge effort to hang onto my fragile control.

“He slapped her,” Myrtle hissed. “With a Hell Fire ring on his hand.” She began to crack eggs into the pan a mile a minute. I winced at all the shells she was adding to her egg concoction, then refocused on Janet.

“Why did he hit you?” I squatted down so we were face to face. Her eye looked hideous. I knew it would heal, but it must hurt tremendously. The ring Cole wore carried poison inside it. While it couldn’t kill a Demon it was said to be excruciatingly painful. It was fatal if used on a mortal. Worse than the pain was the humiliation of being struck. A Hell Fire ring was a large piece of powerful jewelry, only worn by a few. I hadn’t realized Cole had earned one. Janet shuddered and big tears rolled down her delicate cheeks.

I contemplated trying to heal her with my own tears, but they had burnt Grandpa. I was worried I would burn her. I realized my healing powers might only work on animals or possibly mortals. I didn’t want to risk causing Janet any more pain. I knew she would heal on her own even if it would take a while. The poison was evil.

Carl wrapped his arms around Janet and rocked her back and forth. “Janet told him we bow to no one but Thatan,” Carl said. He handled his mate with exquisite tenderness, but his voice was laced with hatred.

“But that’s true,” I said. “Why did he make you bow to him?”

“A few of your Dad’s flunkies are like that when Satan’s not around to control them,” Myrtle spat as she shook a ton of salt, pepper and Tabasco into her eggs and shells. I thought she was a vegetarian.

“This happens often?” My stomach roiled and my fingers began to dance with sparks.

“Yes Dixie, this happens often.” Myrtle’s voice was flat and lifeless. “We’re Demons, it’s the nature of the beast. The strong prey on the weak. Period.”

“That’s bullshit,” I shouted. My fingertip fireworks show set the tablecloth on fire. “Damn it.” I quickly clapped my hands, grabbed the salt from Myrtle and dumped it all over the flames. I certainly didn’t want to be the reason for another fire department visit. That was Myrtle’s newest hobby.

I paced the kitchen like a caged animal. How dare he abuse his power like that. It was one thing to punish evil. It was another altogether to beat up on someone weaker.

“I’m finding a portal and going to Hell. I’m going to ask my father to have that son-of-a-bitch destroyed. No one hurts my family,” I hissed. That’s what they had become, my family—and I loved them.

“NO,” Carl roared and stopped me dead in my tracks.

“What do you mean, no?” I challenged, turning my ire on him. The room crackled with tension and aggression.

“You will do no thuch thing,” he insisted, not backing down. “You are a Princeth, your life has been theltered. You have no idea what life ith like for uth.” He shook his head sadly. “If you go to your father about thith, it will be a death thententh for uth.”

“He’s right,” Janet agreed. “When we are done on Earth and go back to Hell, Cole will kill us.”

“But I’ll have him thrown in the Basement. He attacked my guardians. Royal Guardians. That’s a capital offense.” I frowned in exasperation. I wasn’t getting through to them.

Myrtle’s expression was tight with strain. “Dixie, you are twenty-one years old. I am two hundred and three. Janet is three hundred and sixty-one and Carl is one hundred and forty.”

“I’m a cougar,” Janet piped in as she giggled through her tears. Carl kissed the top of her head and grinned.

Myrtle rolled her eyes and tried to suppress her laugh without success. She regathered herself and continued. “My point is that we’ve been around for much longer than you have. We know what it takes to survive in Hell. Why do you think Carl and Janet and I gravitate together?” She waited. I was silent. “We protect and care for each other.” She lifted her head and her eyes bored into mine. “If you’re comfortable condemning us to death, then go. Have at it. Go to Hell and try to impart justice, but someday you’ll learn. There is no justice—no balance.”

I dropped into a kitchen chair. All the energy drained from my body. I was growing up fast and right now I hated it.

“I’m so sorry,” I told them as I stared at the burn marks on the tablecloth. I was too ashamed to look at them.

“You’ve done nothing wrong Dixie.” Janet gently rubbed my back.

“I want you to know that I love all of you.” I glanced up at their familiar perfectly imperfect faces. “And I want you to know that if anyone tries to hurt you again, Cole or whomever, I will kill them.” I knew for the first time in my life I meant it. They knew too.

Another piece of the puzzle clicked. Cole. Cole had randomly come up in my conversation with Grandpa. Cole was up to no good. Way to go, Gramps. Either I was getting smarter or I'd gone insane. I was leaning toward insane. It would take going nuts at the very least to be able to decipher Grandpa's ramblings. Whatever. I was going with it. I would keep an eye out for Cole.

The silence was loud and long. Janet broke it.

“Thank you, Dixie. You are a good girl.” She leaned forward and kissed my cheek.

“Well.” Carl found his voice after my violent proclamation. “In that cathe we better get back to training.”

“I have to go to class,” I said. “I’ll meet you after.”

“No,” Janet said, trying to rescue the egg travesty Myrtle had created. “The community college is closed for three days.”

“Why?” I was surprised. Was there some human holiday I didn’t know about?

“Apparently,” Myrtle crowed as she grinned from ear to ear. “Fifteen hot pink, lime green and neon yellow skunks got locked in the school last night. They have to fumigate.”

"And how did that happen?" I asked her, already knowing full well how it happened.

"I have no clue," she answered.

She was so delighted with herself I didn’t have the heart to tell her how wrong that was. So I didn’t. I laughed. I laughed hard.

Chapter Twenty-Three

"What the Hell is that?" Myrtle asked as we gaped at a huge manor exploding with foliage.

"I don't know, but this is the right address," I muttered.

"I think the GPS is smoking crack. No way your cousin lives in that," she continued.

"I have a bad feeling this is exactly where my cousin lives."

Three days off from classes meant I could finally visit my cousin Astrid. Carl, Janet and Myrtle joined me as they'd met her and loved her when she'd visited Hell six months ago. I'd had a horrific dream that Mother Nature met us there. Turns out it wasn't a dream at all…

We cautiously approached and pushed open a huge door covered in ivy and purple parrots.

"I can't find my ass with both hands," Ethan, my cousin's Vampyre mate, bellowed from somewhere deep in the mansion.

"Well, too bad," Astrid screeched. "I haven't seen my hooha in months because my stomach is the enormous house for our four-headed son that is going to live inside me for the next ten years."

"Help me, Jesus," I heard him mutter from somewhere in the jungle that I was sure used to be a gorgeous compound.

"Maybe we should come back another time," Myrtle whispered frantically as she tried to untangle herself from a vine with teeth.

"Who invited your grandmother?" Ethan shouted. "This is a fucking mess."

"I can hear you, Vampyre, and I don't like your tone," Mother Nature's voice boomed so loudly I winced. Maybe we should come back later…

"Mother humpin' shithats," my cousin hissed. "I think a flower just grabbed my boob."

I had no clue where we were. The mansion looked like a multi-level jungle complete with monkeys and waterfalls. I could hear Ethan, Astrid and my grandma, but had no real indication as to their whereabouts.

"I really really want to leave," Myrtle grumbled as she choked and beheaded the vine that was trying to eat her.

"Me too," Janet whispered.

"Okay. Carl, take the girls to the car. I'm going find Astrid, say hi and get the Hell out of Dodge." I pushed them toward what used to be the front door.

"Be careful, Dixie," he said as he ushered my little faux family out.

"Will do."

Using my nose I headed toward my cousin, carefully avoiding the quicksand and random bottomless cliffs. Mother Nature had done a doozy on Astrid's abode. I couldn't remember her doing anything this drastic to my dad… ever.

"God damn it," Astrid yelled. "Dixie, do I smell you? Are you here in this leafy shitstorm?"

"Um… yep," I called out. "Not sure how to find you."

"I'll just magic your ass to me. Stay still. It might hurt."

"Awesome," I mumbled as I wrapped my arms around myself and prayed to Satan I wouldn't lose a body part.

"Astrid, don't worry about it," Grandma Gigi shouted. "I have her. We'll come to you."

She did have me and I wasn't sure if it was any safer than having my cousin magic me. Violently I was yanked inside a glittery teal tornado funnel and ended up plastered against a cackling insane woman.

"Are we going to die?" I asked my grandma.

"Not today," she screamed over the whistling and shrieking weather pattern we were trapped in.

"Is this your normal mode of travel?"

"Only on Tuesdays," she replied at earsplitting decibels.

"Holy shit, Gigi," Astrid spat as we landed in a clump at her feet. "You'd better have a good explanation for this because I am feeling violent and fat. I don't care how we're related, I'm two seconds away from offing your unstable pole dancing ass."

"I just love how disrespectful you are," Gigi said as she embraced my pregnant cousin in her arms. "It's lovely to be with my two favorite granddaughters."

"Lovely's not the word I'd use at the moment," Astrid griped. I was in shock that she threatened to whack Mother Nature and was still alive. Well, as alive as a dead person could be.

"Excuse me," Ethan ground out through clenched teeth and he uprooted a massive tree to enter the room. He was gorgeous normally, but he was positively breathtaking when furious. "If we're done with the niceties, I'd like you to fix my fucking home and leave."

"Is he always this testy?" Grandma asked.

"Only when monkeys are crawling up his ass," Astrid explained.

"How are we supposed to stay here in this forest?" he demanded.

"Clusterfuck," I muttered.

"What?"

"It's more of a clusterfuck than a forest," I offered.

"I'd call it a clusterfuck of epic proportions, and I am so proud of you, Dixie!" Astrid gave me a thumbs up over her big tummy.

"For what?" I asked.

"For dropping the f-bomb. It agrees with you. Lowers your ridiculously high IQ just a bit and shows the world you're a goddamned Demon."

"Um, thanks. I think."

"You really shouldn't take your uncle's name in vain," Mother Nature tsked.

"And you shouldn't turn my home into a safari adventure," Astrid shot back.

"I didn't mean to," she said as she dropped her head into her delicate hands.

Wait. What? Mother Nature made a mistake? This did not bode well.

"This was an accident?" Ethan roared. "You destroyed my home by accident?"

"Yes," she whispered.

"Fix it," he said in a quiet voice that made the hair on my neck stand up.

"I can try, but the magic in this area is off balance and it's affecting my mojo," she pouted.

"What the Hell are you talking about?" Astrid's eyes narrowed at our grandma as Ethan's ire bounced around the room knocking monkeys from their perches in the flowering trees that protruded from the walls.

"I mean," she whined defensively as she removed a monkey from her head. "That something bad is happening and it put a woowoo wrench in my juju."

"Holy shit," I said and laughed. "That sounds disgusting and painful… and wrong."

"Well, it's about time," Mother Nature crowed.

"I'm sorry. What?"

"It's about time you started growing some balls, young lady. How in the world will you save the day if your testicles haven't dropped yet? Showing disrespect to your elders is a good start. Ask your cousin," Gigi said.

I truly hoped she was using balls as a metaphor. I discreetly glanced down and sighed in relief. I was sack-less.

"I'm not disrespectful, you crazy old cow," Astrid snapped.

Mother Nature produced a dictionary out of thin air and tossed it to Astrid. "Look it up. You're listed under Big Balls and Vampyre-Demon With a Death Wish."

"Nope. I'm listed in the Guinness Book of World Records as the only freak in history to have an eight-headed Vampyre-Demon baby after five years of gestation."

Grandma Gigi threw her head back and laughed. The monkeys clapped their hands and danced wildly around her. "Your child will come soon," she said.

"What?" Ethan asked, visibly alarmed. "How soon?"

"Very soon, and I have a lot to tell you people. First of all… "

"No!" an unfamiliar German accented voice bellowed. "You will stop right now unless you want to change the tides of destiny and turn your family to dust. If you persist you will pay," the voice growled ominously.

What the Hell? My fingers tingled and my magic came up fast and violent, making me dizzy. My family was certifiable, but no German douchebag was going to destroy them. They were capable of doing that themselves with no outside help. I turned in the direction of the enemy and let my power rip. A fiery explosion flew from my fingertips and then the screaming started…

"Dixie, no!" Astrid yelled. "It's The Kev and Gemma. Do not under any circumstance kill my friends."

Her friends? Shit. Did I just kill her friends?

"Amazing! This, the cousin of you has the power that is from one with the big balls!" The Kev, who looked alarmingly like Arnold Schwarzenegger, said. "Good aim and the trigger of the finger is impressive."

"Um, not sure I followed that, but are you okay? If I'd known you were Astrid's friends I wouldn't have tried to kill you," I mumbled apologetically. And why was everyone so concerned with my balls? Discreetly I checked again.

"Of course you wouldn't have," a crazily beautiful woman, who I assumed was Gemma, said kindly as she patted out the fire still dancing up her dress. "That was a Hell of a wallop of magic, dude." She grinned at me as she made her way to my cousin. She carried black raspberry chip ice cream along with chips and salsa. Sweet baby Satan… was she unaware that Astrid couldn't eat that?

I was powerful, but my cousin was slightly unhinged at the moment. I glanced frantically around the room and looked for cover. Astrid was nutty under normal circumstances, but flashing food in her face was sure to be ugly. She was pregnant, for Uncle God's sake. As I headed for a clump of bushes, I stopped dead in my tracks. The Kev was wearing a tutu, sparkly tights and a jog bra. Not to mention his scent was a mystery to me. The scent I would figure out, but his outfit… I wasn't so sure. Was he gay? I kind of thought he and Gemma were an item, but who would date a man in a woman's ballet costume?

"And may I ask why you have chosen the Teminator as your cover again?" Mother Nature asked grumpily. "Also, as much as I loathe saying it… thank you."

"You have the welcome from me," he replied to my grandma. He gave me a wink and I couldn't help but giggle.

"What are you?" I asked.

"I'm a Fairy."

"Oh, well that explains a lot," I said and then slapped my hand over my mouth. "I mean, I have no problem with homosexuality—at all. I think everyone's sexual preference is their own business and I'm impressed that you are so comfortable with your um… you know, and your outfit is very sparkly and fun," I stammered and wanted to die. The laughter in the room was mortifying. The Kev laughed the loudest.

"No, no, my little krumecaca. I am a Fairy, as in the magical being. I too have no problem with the homosexuality, but I can assure you that I am not gay."

"Amen to that," Gemma chimed in as she sat next to my cousin and scarfed down the ice cream.

"Sorry about that," I whispered, wondering if I could make a polite exit. I'd already put my foot down my throat. At the rate I was going I didn't want to find out if I could pull it out of my ass.

"She is so young," The Kev said as he took my hand. His touch was gentle, but I sensed he could be very dangerous if he didn't like you.

"I know," Mother Nature snapped. "And if that asswhacking floozy hadn't fallen down on her job… "

"Enough," The Kev ground out. Before my eyes he morphed into a man so beautiful I had to turn away. "How much damage can you do in a day?" he hissed, referring to the jungle.

"I'm leaving," she snapped. "While I enjoy disrespect, there's only so much one can take in a half hour."

In a blinding blast of glitter and sparks, Mother Nature made her exit.

"Son of a bitch." Ethan groaned as he slapped some overzealous monkeys out of the way. "She destroys my home, tells us the baby is coming soon, almost turns us to dust and just leaves?"

"Looks like it," Astrid said as she bit into her friend's wrist. She made little happy slurping sounds as she drank. Hades, my family was screwed up. I was also highly aware that Grandma was referring to my mother. At this point I was fairly sure I wanted nothing to do with my mother. She seemed like more trouble that all my relatives put together. Awesome.

"You have Black Magic," The Kev said as he examined my hands. I tried to glance up, but had to squint due to his redonkulous beauty.

"Turn off the Fairy glamour, babe," Gemma told The Kev. "No one except me can actually look at you and not singe their corneas."

"Whoops." He laughed and morphed back into Kindergarten Cop… accent and all.

"Um, does the morph affect your brain?" I asked as I realized I was losing my polite filter in a big way.

"Not at all, my strudel pookie. Why have you to ask the silliness of the question?"

"Because you talk like a dumbass when you're in the Arnold's body," Astrid volunteered as Ethan winced.

"I do that because it makes the fun for me and drives you to the crazy," he told my cousin as he grinned from ear to ear.

"Right now you can do whatever you want. I'm drinking black raspberry chip flavored blood," Astrid announced happily as she went back to Gemma's wrist.

"Wait. What?" Gemma could flavor her blood? I wondered if Grandpa could do that next time I had to suck on his neck.

"Yep." Gemma grinned and held up the pint of ice cream. "Whatever I eat, I apparently taste like. Do not share that info with any Vamps. I only have so much blood to go around."

"Got it," I said. "Do you think that would work with Demons?"

"You want to have the drink of my mate's blood?" The Kev asked, surprised.

"No," I quickly replied. "I, um… " Shit on a flaming stick. How did I get out of this one?

"You drank from Grandpa," Astrid said as she watched me closely. "And it tasted like ass to you."

The jig was up and I was actually kind of relieved. I knew Astrid had Black Magic… maybe she could help me with mine. "Well, I wouldn't exactly say ass—more like burnt butt."

"Can you control this magic?" The Kev asked, ignoring the buttocks discussion.

Where the Hell did his accent go?

"Um… "

"Of course she can't. No one in our fucked up family gives anyone directions, much less a straight answer," Astrid snapped. "I'll help her."

"No, you won't," Ethan said. "We're leaving, which is what I think your whackjob of a grandmother intended when she destroyed our home."

"He's right," Gemma agreed. "The magic in the area is screwed with a capital S and you’re about to blow a seven-headed baby out of your hooha. You have to leave for a while."

"I'm not going anywhere," Astrid informed the room as Ethan banged his head against a tree. "And my baby will only have five heads. My cousin is in trouble, and quite honestly left to her own devices she could blow up the continental United States. I'm staying."

"Ethan is correct, my leibchen. You will be leaving. I will be staying and training Dixie. Her magic cannot hurt Gemma or myself," The Kev said.

"Are you a True Immortal?" I asked. Was Grandpa wrong about who my magic affected?

"No, but trust me on this. The ways of the Fairy are a mystery to most other races. I will teach you."

"I call bullshit," Astrid snapped. "Not that you’re not a Hell of a teacher with a fist like a Mack truck, but Dixie is mine. I will take care of her."

"No, Astrid," I said, surprising myself and the rest of the room—mostly my cousin. "You're leaving. I belong to no one but me and I would never forgive myself if something happened to you or the baby. I have something to do here. Something I have to do myself and I swear on Hades I will do my best not to blow up the United States, but just in case I think you should go to Europe. The Kev, I accept your offer. I have three Demons with me—Carl, Janet and Myrtle,—and they have been training me."

"Sweet baby Jesus in a thong," Astrid shouted. "Carl, Janet and Myrtle? We're all gonna die."

"Nope, not today," The Kev said. "I know of Carl, Janet and Myrtle… they are far more than they seem. And I admire Carl's dress sense."

Of course he did.

Several other very attractive Vampyres quietly made their way into the room and bowed to Ethan. Astrid, clearly unused to not getting her way, stomped around the room and tried to find something to break.

"My Liege," a gorgeous dark haired Vampyre said. "We are armed, ready to go."

"We'll be with you momentarily, Heathcliff," Ethan replied.

"Fine," Astrid said wearily. "Dixie, you will call me if you need me. Gigi said the twelve-headed baby boy will be here soon and I have decided to believe her even though she's an unstable, foul-mouthed fucking walking disaster area." Astrid punctuated her description with a resounding crash as she blew out all the windows in the room with a flick of her fingers.

"Pot. Kettle. Black, dude," Gemma said as Astrid giggled and Ethan banged his head on a tree again.

"Now," Ethan growled.

"I'm coming," Astrid said as she took me into a tight hug. "You will be careful and kill anything that looks at you sideways. Do you understand me?"

"Yep."

"You'll kill it? Not just maim it or hurt it a little?"

"I will kill it," I said firmly.

She narrowed her eyes and gave me one last hug before Ethan attempted to pull her from the room. I idly stroked a monkey that had wrapped itself around my waist and gave my cousin a little shove.

"Go. I promise if I need anything I will call."

"Okay, but you will be taking the babies." She reached into her pocket. "Here."

In her palm Beyonce, Abe, Rachel and Ross danced around and beat the tar out of each other. She was offering me her tiny yet very destructive baby Demons.

"Are you sure?" I asked as I tried not to bounce with excitement. I loved the baby Demons. They were a little difficult to control, but they were as protective as the Hell Hounds.

"I'm sure. Just don't let them go to strip clubs and keep them away from really evil Demons unless you want them to eat them. If that happens, don't watch. Trust me on that. Oh, and I heard you did the nasty with the Angel of Death."

"What the Hell?" I shouted. How did everyone know all the details of my sex life?

"Just use condoms when you nail him or you too could have a ten-headed baby," she warned with a shit-eating grin on her face.

"Dixie and the Angel of Death cannot reproduce unless they bond," The Kev informed the room. It seemed he only used his accent when he felt like it.

"You sure about that?" Astrid asked. "I mean, no one in their right fucking mind would have called my pregnancy."

"Quite sure." The Kev nodded with certainty. "That's the way it goes with two Tru… "

He stopped abruptly and blanched.

"Did you almost just reduce us all to dust?" Gemma shouted. Her skin began to glow and sharp talons burst from her fingertips.

The Kev stood silently and nodded. What the Hell did Gemma turn into? From her claws alone it looked frightening.

"Does anyone know if this turning to dust shit is actually true?" Astrid demanded.

"No," The Kev admitted. "But I refuse to test the theory."

The Kev had almost dropped a huge piece of the puzzle in my lap. I was grateful he hadn't let the entire sentence slip. Turning to dust wasn't on my agenda today. However, I was pretty sure I knew exactly what the rest of his sentence was and I didn't know if that made me happy or freaked out.

"Astrid, are you done?" Ethan asked through clenched teeth.

"Will you have mercy sex with the miserable pregnant lady when we get to wherever we're going?"

"Yes. Yes, I will."

"Then I'm done."

They left.

"All right, my little snickerdoodle. Gemma and I are going to scout to see if we can find anything out about the magical imbalance. You will take the tiny ones and go to Carl, Myrtle and Janet. We will see you in a couple of days."

Gemma not so discreetly shoved a box of condoms into my hand and winked. "Better safe than sorry." She giggled and they disappeared.

I stared at the little Demons in my hands.

"If Mommy say no bad booby titty woowoo bars, will you take us to car dealership?" Abe asked sweetly.

"Are you going to eat the car salesmen?"

"Of course we eat the sellers of cars. They tasty," Beyonce yelled.

"Then um, no. However I have a bad feeling you are going to find a lot to eat in the very near future." I knew evil was coming quickly and soon.

"Yayayayayayayay!" Ross and Rachel squealed. "You so fun, Dixie."

"Thank you. I think. You guys ready to go?"

“We be borned ready," Abe informed me.

"That's what scares me," I mumbled as they laughed like little hyenas. I hoped to Hades it wasn't a mistake to take them, but what was done was done.

Chapter Twenty-Four

Why did it surprise me that the commissary lunches on Earth were more heinous than the commissary lunches in Hell? While I could occasionally identify the lumps on my plate in Hell, I had no idea what graced my tray today.

Thankfully despite the crowd in the student center I found an empty table. I knew if I sat there it would stay empty. How in the Hell did I become such a pariah? I was starting to get a complex.

Everyone was buzzing about Skunkgate. The aroma of skunk still lingered. Mixed with the culinary delights served by the lunch ladies it was positively nauseating. Watching Myrtle feign outrage at the Skunkgate perpetrators during World Religions made my boring day more tolerable. I glanced down at the mystery meat on my tray and my gag reflex kicked in. Tomorrow I was skipping lunch.

The Ugg brigade stood at the head of the cafeteria holding court and scoping for a table. Lucy Adams, clearly the leader, was barking orders and deciding futures. I glanced up as they made their way across the room. Crap, it looked like they were headed for my table. That was impossible. They had made it abundantly clear I wasn't on their radar which was fine with me.

Wait. She looked the same as she always did. How in the Hell did she look normal after getting beaten four days ago? From where I sat she looked flawless. Surely makeup couldn’t cover a beating like that.

I put my head down and waited for them to pass. I was afraid if Lucy said one snarky thing to me I’d zap her bald. She rubbed me wrong and her minions were brainless. I didn’t know how Myrtle hung out with them.

I was positive they passed by… they didn’t.

“Hello Dixie,” Lucy said as she sat down across from me. Her four clones hovered behind her and waited for a command. Where was Myrtle?

“What do you want?” I eyed her warily. I didn’t have the time or the energy for her right now.

She nodded to the others and they sat down, two on either side of her and two on either side of me. They had effectively boxed me in. Great.

“I think we may have misjudged you, Dixie,” she informed me haughtily.

“Really?” I laughed, pissing her off. Her lips pursed in irritation and she crossed her arms over her chest. What in the Hell did she think my reaction would be? Did she assume I’d bow down and kiss her ass? She was gravely mistaken. “I’m fairly sure I didn’t misjudge you, Lucy.”

There was a flash of anger, then fear and insecurity in her eyes. She quickly covered it, but it was there. It jerked me right back to the storeroom and the vision of her broken body on the floor while her father beat her. I still didn't understand how she healed so quickly, but my anger began to melt. Shit, why couldn’t I be a bitchy unforgiving Demon like my sisters?

I watched her carefully while she considered her next move. Her posse sat silently, unable to function without permission.

“I’m sorry for being a bitch to you,” she said quietly. Her minions gasped.

I wasn’t sure I believed her, but this was certainly making my day more interesting. I said nothing. I simply stared.

Lucy began to fidget and tried to hold my gaze, but I was Satan’s daughter and staring people down came quite naturally. She caved and averted her eyes. Her gal pals watched in fascination. They’d clearly never seen their idol at a loss for words.

In her discomfort, she took a bite from her tray. Her minions squealed in disgust. The look on Lucy’s face was awesome—sheer terror and disgust. She gagged and searched desperately for a napkin. Her butt-kiss brigade had no clue what to do. Two of them started crying and one started dry heaving, threatening the table with something far worse than lunch. I rolled my eyes at their ineptness and handed her my napkin. I wouldn’t wish that dog chow-looking pile on my worst enemy. She quickly spit and then downed an entire bottle of water.

“You okay?” I grinned.

“No.” The beginnings of a smile pulled at the corners of her mouth. “Thanks for the napkin.” She eyed her worthless buddies with disdain. “I could have died,” she hissed.

I bit down on my lip hard and tried not to laugh. I failed.

“You think it’s funny?” she demanded as she smiled at me.

“Yes I do,” I said as I tried to figure her out.

“Well,” she paused for dramatic effect, tossing her blonde locks over her shoulder. “I do too, and I’m pretty sure that stuff is Alpo.”

“I was thinking gravy covered dry cat food.”

“No,” Lucy said definitively. “It was Alpo and you saved my life.”

“I’d hardly call handing you a napkin saving your life.”

“You saved my life,” she stated firmly, her blue eyes glued to mine.

“Oookay.” Why did it sound like she was talking about something else? I was getting paranoid. She couldn’t know anything. “You're welcome.” I gave her a tight smile. What was her game and why was I playing it? Bizarrely enough, she fascinated me. Anyone who could get beaten nearly to death on Monday and be back at school looking amazing and sporting an attitude on Friday had to have something worthwhile going on. Or maybe I was just a sucker for the underdog.

“You like to save things, don’t you?” Lucy said as she watched me closely for a reaction.

I put on my poker face and freaked out inside. Why in the Hell did she say that? There was no way she knew anything about my part in defending her. She had no way of knowing I was in the storeroom with her. Even if she thought I was there, she wouldn’t be able to comprehend what I did to her father. She was human, I could smell it. Humans didn’t know about Demons and magic. How had the tables turned? Now I was uneasy so I stayed quiet.

There was a large, long, uncomfortable pause.

“Look Dixie,” she said, thankfully leaving her former line of questioning alone. “I was mean and uh… you didn’t deserve it. No one has given you a chance here, so… I, I mean we,” she said as she referred to the idiots who were nodding like bobbleheads. “We would like to start over.”

Confusion and wariness warred within me as I searched their expressions for an ulterior motive. I wished one of my gifts was mindreading. What was the old saying? Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer?

“I suppose,” I said, knowing I would probably regret it. “We could try.”

Did I really need friends so badly that I was willing to give it a go with vapid, overly made up mean girls? Yep, I did. Anyway, if they screwed with me I could easily make them wake up in the morning with twenty-five extra pounds hanging off their trim little bods.

The minions started to babble excitedly and I decided immediately I would not learn their names. Henceforth they would be Thing One, Thing Two, Thing Three and Thing Four. Now that a truce had been born, I wasn’t sure what to do. I pushed my Alpo around with my fork and tried to make sense of the Things’ conversation. Two words stopped me cold.

“Angels and Demons,” Thing One gushed to all the other Things.

“I’m sorry,” I interrupted. “What did you say?”

“Angels and Demons.” Thing One’s eyes lit up like a Christmas tree—not that I’d ever had one. “The theme of the Fall dance, silly!” she giggled.

“We’re the dance committee.” Thing Two grabbed my hand and squeezed it as if we were best buds. “And now you are too!”

Her excitement was like a rash. What had I been thinking? It was better when they hated me. I extracted my hand and put it in my lap. However, this could be fascinating and until I had to go kill a bunch of evil immortal asswipes this might be a good diversion. I’d have great stories for Stella when I was allowed to see her again.

Shit. Another piece of the puzzle clicked. Grandpa said I needed to dance. Did the Angel Demon dance fulfill that part of my destiny? Considering the fact it would be filled with innocent humans, I prayed to my father and uncle that this was not the case. I briefly closed my eyes and decided that I was definitely going to be part of the dance committee. If anything was to go down at the dance, at least I would have been in the planning stages and would know the lay of the land… or the gymnasium. Also, I promised myself that I would do everything in my power not to turn the Things into mutes. Hard, but doable.

“What kind of Angels and Demons?” I asked.

“Are there more than one kind?” Thing Three was alarmed and confused.

“I don’t know,” I quickly said. “I was just wondering how this all works.”

“Ohhhh,” Thing Four squealed. “It’s beyond awesome. Half of the gym will be Heaven and half will be Hell.” She whispered the word Hell like it was a swear word. I almost slapped her. “Everyone will dress like a Demon or an Angel. I’m going as a Demon,” she announced proudly. The other Things gave her a round of applause. Were they for real?

“What are you wearing?” I was starting to enjoy myself immensely, although I felt Lucy’s stare. I glanced over and she looked away. My paranoia was getting ridiculous.

Thing Four, oblivious to anyone but herself, went on. “I have a red dress. I’m pairing it with horns and fangs and blood dripping all over me,” she explained. “My dress is hot, it shows a ton of cleavage. Then I’m going to decapitate a couple old dolls, cover them in blood and tie them to my legs. You know, so they drag on the floor.”

I was beyond speechless. I wanted to laugh, but a bigger part of me wanted to magic up some huge cold sores all over her mouth.

“Don’t you think,” Lucy chimed in dryly. “That it might be difficult to dance with dead babies attached to your feet?”

“Oooo.” Thing Four puzzled it out, completely missing the irony in her leader’s snarky tone. “You’re right. I’ll tie them to my arms.”

Lucy rolled her eyes and then turned them on me. “What do you think a Demon looks like, Dixie?”

“I wouldn’t know,” I told her, wondering what evil I’d committed to deserve this group’s friendship.

“I’m going as an Angel,” Thing One volunteered. “I’m wearing a white bustier, hot pants and boots with ripped black fishnets.”

“Very Miley Cyrus,” Thing Three observed. “What about a halo and wings?” Thing Three, the dry heaver, asked while applying way too much lip gloss.

“Totally,” Thing One gasped, “I would never forget those. I want my wings to look like Dixie’s necklace.”

All eyes shot to my neck. Instinctively I covered my beautiful golden feather. These idiots didn’t deserve to look at it.

“God,” Thing Three said enviously through gobs of lip gloss. “Where did someone like you get something like that?”

“Walmart,” Myrtle said from behind me as she drew the attention to herself and away from my neck. “Are you going to ask her if it’s real and how much it cost next?” she snapped.

“Um, no, sorry,” Thing Three said, duly chastised by my skunk pranking fake cousin.

“Where have you been?” Lucy asked Myrtle as she wedged her little Demon body between me and a Thing.

“Having sex in the science lab closet with Timmy,” she said. She gingerly pushed my tray of animal chow away from her line of vision.

“TMI, Myrtle. TMI.” Lucy laughed and shook her head.

Myrtle shrugged and grinned. “Whatever. It was awesome. You should all try it sometime.”

The Things nodded in unison, hanging on her every word.

“I have to agree with Lucy on this one,” I groaned. “Definitely too much information.”

“You’re just jealous.” She shoved me. I shoved her back.

“Girls, girls,” Lucy spoke in an excited whisper. “Ten o’clock. Total hottie checking out our table.”

“Oh my God,” one of the Things said. They were becoming interchangeable. “Who is he?”

“He’s new,” Lucy whispered loudly.

I didn’t look. I’d have to turn completely around and that would be obnoxious.

“He’s not scoping our table,” Thing Three hissed. “He’s scoping Dixie.”

“Like every other guy at school,” Thing Two added under her breath.

“Shhh.” Lucy readjusted herself to get a better view. “She’s right.” She waggled her eyebrows at me. “Mr. Sex-on-a-Stick is burning holes in your back.”

“Whatever,” Myrtle said. “Dixie’s got a boyfriend and he’s hotter than sin.” She nudged me to make sure I got the Hell reference. Hades, she was an idiot.

“If he’s hotter than this guy,” Lucy challenged, “I’ll eat an entire vat of the Alpo they serve here.” Her eyes sparkled with mischief. I was kind of starting to like her.

“He’s walking this way,” Thing Three screeched, frantically smearing on more lip gloss.

“Oh my God.” Thing Two was near tears. “He is.” She began fluffing her hair.

What in the Hell was I doing? These girls were freaks. Lucy seemed okay, even interesting, but why was she hanging out with these imbeciles?

The feeling of spiders skittering down my spine halted my inner diatribe on stupid girls. Something was very wrong. I glanced at Myrtle to see if she noticed. She seemed tense. I needed to turn and scan the lunchroom. My stomach clenched and serious unease rippled through me. Were Rogue Demons in my college cafeteria? The Things were busy primping, unaware of impending danger, but Lucy’s eyes were on me.

“You okay?” she asked, concerned.

“Yep.” I smiled, which I was sure came out like a pained grimace. I slowly turned around to see what was freaking me out.

There he was. All six foot something of him. Eyes like midnight and hair as dark as mine, with beauty that made my heart skip. A warning voice whispered in my head and fear knotted up inside me. From across the cafeteria his eyes locked on mine and the world stopped for a moment. My breath left my lungs and an icy chill crawled through my veins. I was shaking. He was coming for me.

His scent was not human and it was definitely not Demon, which could only mean one thing.

I grabbed Myrtle’s arm in a grip that would have crushed a mortal.

“We have to go.” I hissed. I was panicked.

“What?” Lucy sensed my unease.

“Myrtle has… an orthodontist appointment. Now.” I was dizzy. Surely he wouldn’t try to kill me in a room full of mortals. I had to get the Hell out before innocent people started dying.

I dragged Myrtle behind me and moved as fast as I could away from him. I spotted an emergency exit in the far left corner. My fingers started to spark and it took supreme effort not to run with Demon speed. Without seeing him, I felt him pick up his pace. I was so not ready to die today.

“What’s happening?” Myrtle gasped as I yanked her along.

“An Angel,” I muttered through clenched teeth as I tried to avoid knocking all my classmates to the floor in my haste to escape. “An Angel is coming after me and I have to draw him away from here so the humans don't die.”

“But… ”

“No buts,” I replied sharply. “Be quiet and get ready to run.” I knew she wanted to say something else but I gave her no chance.

I pushed through the exit and the alarm went off. I laughed at the irony. The blast of fresh air in my face made me hopeful. I just needed to get him as far from the student center as I could. If we got a good head start, maybe we could outrun him. Maybe.

I let go of Myrtle, shut the exit door and bent the lock. That wouldn’t stop him, but it might buy us a few minutes… or seconds. “We have to run,” I told her.

“What about your car?” She pointed to the parking lot.

“Screw the car,” I said tersely. “Stay behind me so my tail wind will pull you along faster.”

She nodded.

He was getting closer. The insane part of me wanted to stay and confront him, but thankfully my instincts were better than that. Confronting him on campus could be deadly for a lot of innocent people. The air around me grew warmer and the breeze smelled of sunshine and cinnamon. Who knew impending death would smell so good.

I frantically shoved Myrtle behind me. “Run,” I shouted.

We did.

We flew through the fields surrounding the campus at speeds of about two hundred miles an hour. We were headed for our house. I needed weapons or the baby Demons if I was going to have a chance with the Angel. My magic was strong, but I didn’t trust it enough to protect both myself and Myrtle. This was the last day I would travel without the baby Demons or a sword in my backpack. Ever.

For a brief moment I debated if I was wrong to have left the school. Would the students have been safer if I stayed? Neither Angels nor Demons were supposed to harm mortals. I said a quick prayer to Satan that in my haste to escape I hadn’t mistakenly set up innocents for death. Of course if I didn't haul some major ass Myrtle and I would be facing a permanent death.

I briefly glanced back to check on Myrtle and my world exploded. I ran head first into a granite mountain. The impact of our bodies in motion at over two hundred miles an hour meeting an immovable object was devastating. We went flying, tumbling and rolling over each other and landed in a tangled bloody mess on the ground.

“Damn it to Hell,” I moaned as I held my head. Fireworks detonated inside my brain. With much effort, I pried my body off of Myrtle’s. She looked bad but she was breathing. Her head was still attached so she wasn’t dead, but she was out cold and her shoulder was grotesquely dislocated.

I sucked in a sharp breath, ignored my own pain, and moved closer to my little friend. If I could pop her shoulder back in while she was unconscious I’d save her a world of pain later. Her pale skin was almost white and all I wanted to do was sit back and cry. I smoothed her bloody hair back from her face and kissed her forehead.

“You’ll be okay, baby,” I promised her. She looked so fragile and small. “I’ll take care of you.” I was going to kill that fucking Angel when I saw him again. I smile-grimaced when I realized how delighted Hayden would be with my emerging foul mouth.

The sound was so gross when I popped her shoulder back I almost hurled. Thank Lucifer she was passed out. Now I just needed to pick her up and run. I had no idea where the Angel was, but I knew time was not on my side. Where in the Hell did a granite mountain come from? There were no mountains in Eden, Kentucky. Not to mention, in all my twenty-one years, I’d never crashed into anything.

Something wet and slobbery licked my neck.

“Steve? What are you doing out here?” I whispered. My voice hurt and getting air in my lungs was a challenge.

Steve walked around me and pushed her cool wet nose into my face. She looked down at Myrtle and whimpered.

“It’s okay,” I tried to comfort her. “She’ll be fine. We’re Demons, we heal.” I knew she didn’t understand a word, but she seemed happy with my explanation and gave me another big sloppy wet one. “Steve, you have to go. Somebody is after me. I’ll just die if you get hurt again. Go,” I shouted the best I could. I tried to do a mean voice and give her the evil eye. “Go, you bad dog-wolf. Go away!” She stood there like an idiot and wagged her big tail.

“Shit,” I muttered. Now I was responsible for Steve too.

My neck ached and my body burned, but when life was at stake, those tended to be minor problems. I gingerly turned my head to swear at the mountain that took me out… but my litany of expletives got caught in my throat. At that exact moment I went into shock. I knew this for a fact—because I started to laugh. Uncontrollably.

There was a mountain but it wasn’t granite. It was flesh and blood, looked like a male supermodel and wanted to kill me.

Chapter Twenty-Five

“Hello Dixie.” His voice was smooth and silky. Hypnotic. The term “voice of an Angel” now made sense.

I refused to speak. I stared warily and moved my injured body so I blocked him from Myrtle and Steve.

“Your friend will be fine,” he said. His stance was neutral, legs slightly spread and arms at his sides. He carried no weapon, but that meant nothing. He could have all sorts of things hidden in his clothes.

“Yeah,” I snapped. “Until you kill us.”

He laughed. Not chuckled… laughed. Hard. What kind of psycho asshole was he? And why did he have to be so pretty? It was distracting.

“What is wrong with you?” My anger eclipsed my fear. I was in no shape to take on the Angel, but my mouth clearly didn’t get the memo.

I needed to freeze him, but my body was so damaged from the impact of the crash all my magic was focused on healing myself. Maybe if I could keep his gorgeous murdering ass talking I could heal enough to render him helpless. It wasn’t great, but it was the best I could do in a bad situation.

“You’re even more beautiful than described,” the Angel commented.

“By who?”

“Some people.” He smiled seductively. My pulse raced and I looked away.

What in the Hell was wrong with me? Had I lost my freakin’ mind? My impulse was to flirt with the Angel who was here to destroy me. Not to mention I already had a soul mate who was equally as beautiful as the Angel standing before me and didn’t want to kill me. Talking… I had to keep him talking.

“Do you have a name?” I inquired coldly.

“I do.” He grinned and stepped closer to me. Steve growled.

“Since I’ll be dead and unable to rat you out, you may as well tell me.” I tried to scoot back to counter his advance, but my body wasn’t working yet.

He tilted his head, reminding me alarmingly of Hayden. “My name is Elijah. What else would you like to know, Dixie?”

My stupid name sounded like a caress on his lips and his lips were… lips. They were nothing but lips.

“I don’t want to know anything about you,” I informed him rudely. I tried to stare him down, but the stunning midnight blue of his eyes sucked me in and made my heart flutter. My reaction to him brought an unwelcome blush to my cheeks and my body felt hot.

“But I want you to know about me.” My enemy gave me an irresistible grin. I had to fight a major battle of personal restraint to keep from grinning back. Steve growled again and jerked me back to reality.

“Are you psychotic? You want to be friends before you kill me?” I pressed my lips together in anger and self-preservation. I wanted to call him every bad word I knew, but thankfully I remembered I was trying to buy time. My main goal was to protect Myrtle and Steve.

“Oh Dixie, there are many things I’d like to do to you and with you… killing is definitely not one of them.” His mouth curved into a smile as his gaze raked over me. “You have nothing to fear from me.”

“Only myself,” I muttered. Elijah let out a bark of joyous laughter at my comment he wasn’t supposed to hear. I should have known Angels could hear as well as Demons. My voice turned to ice. I wanted to slap the smile off of his face. “If you’re not here to kill me, then why are you here, Angel boy?”

“To see you, Dixie, and I prefer Elijah.” He stooped down in front of me. His nearness made me dizzy. I wanted to blame the wooziness on the massive concussion I’d just received, but that would be a lie. “I’ve waited a very long time to make your acquaintance,” he said softly.

My breathing was uneven and it wasn’t from my injuries. There was something about this Angel, an enemy of my race, that was mesmerizing. His gaze dropped to my lips and his hand gently cupped my battered face.

“Will you let me heal you and your friend?” His eyes searched mine. He was so close my brain shorted out. Little bits of silver mixed with the dark blue of his eyes. It looked like flecks of diamonds in a deep blue night. “Your accident was my fault and I want to make it right.”

“Okay.” Much to my chagrin, I was sure I would have said okay to any question he asked. My lack of morals and self-control appalled me. I tried to look away, but he gently held my face still.

Very slowly, with his eyes locked on mine he leaned forward.

Warning bells went off in my head. “No. Stop. I can’t.”

“This is the way it has to be, Dixie.” His voice flowed over me like honey. “I'm an Angel. I will heal you with love.”

He didn’t wait for my reply. There was a tenderness and longing in his gaze that made my heart flutter wildly in my chest. He closed the space between us and pressed his lips to mine. His kiss was slow and drugging.

Against my will, and to my disgust, I found myself responding. He moaned into my mouth and my pulse skyrocketed. He broke the kiss and planted small kisses along my jawline and neck. I refused to put my arms around him, but my traitorous body leaned into his.

A shot of warm soothing heat coursed through my body and my injuries slowly disappeared.

“Are you going to kiss Myrtle now?” I asked as I stood and put some distance between us.

“Nope.” He smirked and pointed a finger at my little friend. A fine golden mist engulfed her body and her bruises, cuts and lacerations disappeared. She slowly began to come to.

“Wait a minute,” I sputtered as I stood and tried to shove the big liar. “You didn’t need to kiss me, did you?”

“Nope.” He smiled as he backed away from my ire.

“You tricked me,” I yelled, forgetting about the differences in our race, height and weight. I was going to kill him.

“I’d do it again in a heartbeat.” Elijah was so serious it halted my pursuit of destroying him.

“I have a soul mate,” I told him.

He approached and fingered my beautiful necklace with interest. He leaned down and whispered in my ear, sending shivers all through me. “Tell him he has competition. Until you're bonded, you're a free agent.”

He stepped back and with a panty melting smile he disappeared in a glittering burst of gold. I was healed, confused and off balance.

“What in the Hell happened?” Myrtle, finally awake, asked groggily.

“I have no idea,” I told her truthfully. “I really have no idea.”

* * *

We walked the rest of the way home with Steve at our heels.

“Where’d you find the wolf?” Myrtle asked as she examined her bloody clothes.

“She’s not mine. She belongs to an old lady in town. Her name is Lucky, but I call her Steve.”

“Oh.”

“Is that all you have to say?” I snapped. I knew I was taking my anger at myself out on her, but I couldn’t help it.

“No, but you made it clear you didn’t want to hear what I had to say back in the commissary.”

“When has that ever stopped you?” I came to a halt and yanked her around to face me.

“Okay, fine.” She laughed at my tough girl stance and winced. “Why does my shoulder hurt and how did we get all bloody and gross?”

“I crashed into the Angel when we were running. It was like hitting a concrete wall. You got knocked out and your shoulder got dislocated. I popped it back in and the Angel healed us.”

“Thanks,” she said as she rotated her arm.

“Aren’t you shocked he didn’t kill us?” How was she so nonchalant about our brush with death? Maybe the impact rattled her brain.

“No.”

“No?” I laughed. She was definitely concussed.

“Dixie,” Myrtle explained as if I were five. “Eden, Kentucky is neutral territory. He can’t kill us here.”

I gave her a brutal stare. “You people suck. Is anybody going to keep me up to speed on the rules here?” I yelled.

“Do you really think Lucifer would have sent you into a war zone before you were ready?” she asked as she tried to bite back her laugh at my tantrum. She failed.

That stopped me and made me miss my father terribly. “No, he wouldn't."

“Dixie,” Myrtle said gently as she took my hands in hers. “You were justified in doing what you did. The world is a bad place right now and the rules can’t be trusted.”

Steve wedged herself into me and whimpered. I sat down on the ground and stroked her soft fur.

“I need to know everything from you that won't turn us to dust. Can you do that for me?” I asked, idly making circles in Steve’s coat.

"I can."

"Thanks."

“We’re looking for Rogue Demons, but the Angels are not our friends either,” Myrtle reminded me.

“I don’t think he would have hurt me,” I murmured as I laid my head on Steve.

“Not here he wouldn’t.” Myrtle joined in on the Steve love-fest.

“No,” I said softly. “I’m quite sure he would never hurt me anywhere. Neutral or not.”

“You’re crazy,” Myrtle huffed and petted Steve.

“Possibly.” I smiled at her. Guilt about Hayden tugged at my heart as I remembered the kiss from Elijah. “But I really don’t think he would.”

Chapter Twenty-Six

Blanche was waiting on the front porch steps when we got home. Steve ran over to her, wagging her big tail.

“Why are you here?” I smiled tiredly, happy to see her even though my question sounded snarky.

“Nice to see you too.” She grinned as she scratched Steve. “What in the Hell happened to you guys?”

“Are you talking to your invisible friend?” Myrtle asked as she watched Steve’s fur be manipulated by what appeared to be nothing.

“Yep,” I said as I plopped my exhausted body down next to Blanche.

“Well, tell her I said hi.” Myrtle made her way to the front door. “I can’t stand myself.” She groaned and attempted to rub the dried blood off her arms. “I need a shower.”

She went inside. Blanche and I sat quietly petting Steve.

“I like Myrtle,” she said, absently massaging a very happy Steve.

“Me too. Did you know Eden was neutral territory?” I asked as I found a tickle spot on Steve's belly. Her leg started dancing and I scratched faster.

“I assumed it was,” she replied. “Your dad’s not an idiot. Why do you ask?”

“I had a run-in with an Angel.” I sighed and wrapped my arms around myself. “I thought he was going to kill me.”

“Did he try?”

“No, he… ” I didn’t have the energy to rehash every sordid detail. “Can’t you just get inside my head and see everything?”

“Only with an invite.” She smiled evilly.

“What are you talking about?" I laughed. “You get into my head all the time.”

“True,” she agreed. “When I’m with you it’s easy. I’m allowed to be privy to the here and now, but the past is a different story.”

“It wasn’t even an hour ago,” I said, trying to get it straight.

“Doesn’t matter if it was five minutes ago,” she explained. “If it’s in the past you have to invite me in.”

“Fine, I invite you.”

It was weird. For the first time I could feel her inside my head. Definitely an odd sensation—like a breeze floating in my mind. My head felt full and my body tightened in resistance.

“You have to relax, Dixie, or it won’t work.”

“Okay.” I took a deep breath. “I’ll try.”

On its own my body went limp. I slumped forward onto Steve’s soft furry body and I heard a click in my head. It was working. Unfortunately for me, the entire scene played back in full color with surround sound. I had to relive every moment as Blanche watched.

My head clicked again when she pulled out. I thought I was tired before…

“Great Balls of Hell.” Blanche shook her head. “That’s screwed up.”

“Tell me about it. And by the way.” I pinched the bridge of my nose trying to ward off the headache that was blooming rapidly. “We are never doing that again. It hurt."

“What are you going to do about him?” she asked.

“Do? Nothing. It was a physical attraction, not a soul deep one,” I said truthfully. “I have Hayden.”

“Good luck with that,” she drawled as her mouth quirked with amusement. “It doesn’t look like he plans to give you much choice in the matter. Damn, you go from never having a date to having the two hottest and most powerful Angels in the universe after you.”

Warning bells clanked in my already throbbing brain. “What do you mean?”

“I mean.” Blanche grinned. “They are H-O-T hot.”

“I got that part,” I interrupted in frustration. “What do you mean the most powerful?”

“Well,” Blanche lowered her voice being purposefully mysterious and incredibly annoying. “Hayden is the Angel of Death and Elijah is the Angel of Light.”

“Is that a big deal?”

Blanche looked at me like I sprouted horns. Big ones. “Dixie,” she gasped. “They are True Immortals… two of the True Immortals.”

I knew Hayden was—that was why my dad couldn’t kill him. Everything was starting to make sense and I wasn’t sure I was happy about that. Knowledge might be power, but sometimes the less you knew the better off you were. Hayden and Elijah both had to be thousands of years old. That was a little freaky to wrap my mind around. What in the Hell did they want with a twenty-one year old girl? Unless The Kev had been right about me… My headache was two minutes from being full blown.

“That’s not even the best part.” Blanche rocked back and forth in excitement.

“What else could there possibly be to tell?” I thought seriously about putting my hand over her mouth so I could find some duct tape to keep her from talking until my aching head could take it, but that could be a very long time. She was going to announce something whether I wanted to know or not. I definitely did not want to know.

“They’re brothers!” she blurted. She grabbed me as I tumbled backward in shock.

I didn’t know why that information made me feel so raw, but it did. I knew Hayden had a brother. He told me he did. He said they didn’t get along…

“Do you think Elijah knows my boyfriend is Hayden?” I asked Blanche as she settled me back on the steps after my near pass out. Damn, it sounded ridiculous to use the term boyfriend about someone who’d been around before mortals roamed the Earth. And he wasn't just my boyfriend. He was my soul mate.

“Absolutely.” She nodded. “Do you remember him touching and looking at your necklace?”

I did. I remembered it clearly. “So is this just a competition between brothers?” The thought of that hurt and pissed me off royally. I was nobody’s contest prize.

“If I hadn’t seen the whole thing I would have said yes, but he meant business and his feelings rang true. As true as Hayden’s. You can’t fake that,” she added, making me feel sick to my stomach on top of my headache. “So,” she took on a very matter of fact tone, “two of the most powerful beings in the universe are head over heels in love with you… what are you going to do?”

“I’m going to Disney World," I snapped sarcastically. "Wait,” I gasped as I doubled over. “Grandpa said God begat two True Immortal Angels.” My body trembled as I put two and two together. “God is their father, which means they’re my cousins.” I stood up on shaky legs and began to pace the front yard, stepping all over flowers and plants. “Holy Hell, I’m in love with one of my cousins and just kissed the other one!”

And I thought I was nauseous before.

“Hold on,” Blanche yelled, stopping me in the middle of a bed of petunias. “Technically you’re right, but you’re actually wrong.”

“Have you been hanging out with Grandpa?” I shouted. “You’re making no sense.” I continued to destroy the beautiful garden with clumsy feet and a broken heart. Did Hayden lie to me?

“Sit!” Blanche demanded as she put a temporary kibosh on my hysteria. I sat in the bluebells and narrowed my eyes at her. “You are not related by blood to Hayden or Elijah.”

“How in the Hell do you know that?” I shrieked.

“I have no idea.” She was bewildered, “I didn’t know it an hour ago, but I know it as true now.”

“That’s completely screwed.” I was quieter now. However, for no good reason I knew she spoke the truth. “Go on."

“In the beginning, when True Immortals first came to be, they weren’t born of a woman and a man like you were. They were created.”

“But my father has parents and so does God.” This made no sense. “My father and God share the same mother.”

“Mother Nature didn’t give birth the traditional way. She used power from your grandpa and God’s father to create Satan and God.”

“Not to be rude, but that sounds like a pile of shit.” I rolled my eyes.

“It does,” Blanche agreed. “But it’s not. So while God and Satan were raised as brothers, they are not blood related.”

I was so confused. “Which means everybody is adopted?”

"Simplistic, but yes. Think of everyone as found and lumped together with caretakers."

"So freakin' typical for my family… Spell it out one more time—in English."

“It means you are not related to the ridiculously hot Angels who are after your ass.”

This was too much to take in. What had started as a bad day just kept getting worse. First, Lucy and the Things wanted my friendship, then I almost died, then to top it all off my not-by-blood-related kinda cousin, The Angel of Light, hit on me instead of killing me. Could it get any stranger? Nope.

“So, my dad and his brother were hatched from pods without the benefit of sperm or eggs from their True Immortal parents… just some power and some magic hoodoo. Which by the way is really stinkin’ hard to buy,” I huffed in disbelief and continued. “Then God and Satan had children the traditional way, the way we learned about in science class. They had sex. Hayden and Elijah are brothers born of my Uncle God, who I suppose isn’t really my uncle if we get technical. I am born of his non-blood related brother Satan, even though they have the same mother who didn't physically give birth to them. Therefore all of this bullshit boils down to the fact that I am not related to my boyfriend, who is apparently older than dirt, or his brother who I just swapped spit with an hour ago. Who, by the way, is also older than dirt.” I took a huge cleansing breath. “Is that about right?”

“Pretty much,” Blanche said. A grin replaced the open mouthed reaction to the Cliffs Notes version of my family history. “The pod part is kind of off, but whatever.” She pulled me up and away from the decimated bluebells and wrapped her silver arms around me. “Are you going to be okay?” She held me tight.

“I don’t really have a choice, do I?”

“No,” she agreed. “You really don’t.”

“Do you know what the most screwed up part of all of this is?” I pulled out of her embrace and ran my hands through my hair. “The fun hasn’t even begun yet. I’m supposed to find a freakin’ sword and kill a buttload of Rogue Demons and restore or find the Balance of Chaos.” I started to laugh.

“When you put it like that, dating your cousin doesn’t sound that bad, you know?”

“I know. I really do know. I need to shower and change.” I sighed as I looked down at my torn and bloody clothes. “And then we’ll drive Steve back to Miss Evelyn. Keep an eye on Steve while I change. I wouldn’t be surprised if Myrtle starts feeling the need to take scissors and dye to her.”

* * *

I’d be hard pressed to imagine the rest of the United States was as beautiful as Eden, Kentucky. It had a magic that made me feel calm--lush fields, wildly colorful gardens, thoroughbred horse farms and old Southern mansions. Perfect. I really wanted to see other parts of the country, especially New York, the Grand Canyon and Disney World, but that would have to wait until I kicked ass and took no prisoners here.

Blanche tried to con me into letting her drive, but allowing your invisible friend to drive your car could cause all sorts of unwanted attention in town. She begged and pleaded. In the end I compromised, mostly so she would shut up. I let her drive the country roads till we were about a mile out of town. She was a horrible driver—even Steve whimpered in terror.

A party was in full swing when we pulled up in front of the Happy Hacienda Senior Citizens Home. Around twenty really old people wearing brightly colored leis and hula skirts over their housecoats and slippers mingled on the front lawn. Some were eating from the trays of food piled high on a buffet table decorated with tiki statues, twinkle lights and fake palm trees. Hawaiian music blasted from a speaker. Several gals were doing a geriatric hula, and two of the women were dancing in their wheelchairs.

I watched from the car in rapt fascination. I’d never seen so many old people in my life. I’d never seen old people at all till I came to Earth. Demons stopped aging anywhere between twenty and thirty. It had never seemed unusual that my father could pass for my brother, or that his own father looked like his brother. That was my normal. This was not. These people were bizarrely happy to be so close to death.

The concept of dying was foreign to me. Of course I’d considered it more often lately because running from Elijah earlier had scared a healthy dose of desire to live into me. My own mortality hadn’t occurred to me in Hell and I wondered as I watched the aged bodies of these smiling people how often they thought about dying.

Steve nuzzled my neck with her big wet nose. “Okay girl.” I scratched between her ears and wondered if I was confusing her by calling her Steve. “Let’s go find Miss Evelyn.”

As we walked through the throngs of eighty year old hula dancers, a cute little old lady in a pale peach robe and matching slippers grabbed my arm. Her skin felt papery and fragile but her grip was strong.

“Hey darlin’, let’s dance.” Her laugh was infectious and she swung her terry cloth covered hips in a circular motion, reminiscent of a really bad stripper.

I giggled at her dancing but was drawn to the lines around her eyes. They crinkled when she smiled, yet her watery blue eyes sparkled. I froze and realized those were laugh lines. I’d never seen them before. I wanted to touch them, but I knew that would be rude. She wore her lifetime of joy and sorrow proudly on her face. She was beautiful. Every line etched in her skin was a story.

“Come on, sweetie pie,” she urged, doing moves that would make Carl proud. “Dance with me.”

“Okay,” I muttered, rocking back and forth feeling like an ass. Blanche stood beside me and laughed. Nobody was going to make her dance. Nobody could see her.

“I like chicken,” my little dance partner yelled above the music. “Do you like chicken?”

“Um… yes.” Was she senile?

“I’m gonna sit down, sugar puss. Would you get me some chicken?” She took my hand and we wound our way over to a bench. “I’m not as young as I look.” She grinned and eased herself down with a grunt.

“I’d be happy to get you some chicken,” I told her.

There were three kinds of chicken on the buffet table, so I piled a plate high with all of them. I glanced around for Miss Evelyn but couldn’t find her. I very carefully made my way back to my new friend. I held the plate high… walking through a group of hulaing seniors could be dangerous.

“Thank you, sugar buns.” She took the plate gratefully. I was curious how many nicknames she had stored up in her brain. “Would you like some chicken, sweet cheeks?” She offered her plate to me.

“No thanks."

“Well, sit your pretty fanny down and talk to me for a minute. Not many younguns come around here much.”

I watched her eat her chicken with gusto. She made happy little noises with each bite, reminding me of Astrid as she slurped on Gemma. I had no idea what to talk about, so I sat quietly and let her enjoy her chicken.

“I like cheese too,” she informed me between bites.

“Would you like me to get you some cheese?” I smiled, starting to understand her game.

“Nope.” She grinned. “Maybe later. What’s your name, sweet potato? Mine’s Miss Sally.” She extended a chicken grease covered hand.

I gingerly took it. “I’m Dixie.” I retrieved my hand and wiped it discreetly on my jeans.

“Oooo, what a pretty name for a pretty girl. I used to know a sweet little thing named Dixie a long time ago.”

“I suppose in the South Dixie's a common name,” I said as I took her now empty plate and tossed it in a nearby trashcan. Miss Sally could put back some food for being such a little thing. That plate had been full.

“No,” she mused. “Not really. She was a darling little girl, like sunshine.”

“Can I get you something else to eat? Some cheese?” I asked as I searched the crowd for Miss Evelyn. Steve sat curled at my feet.

“No, thank you.” A tired look of sadness passed over her features. “She was such a happy little girl. I loved her.”

“Who?” I asked, distracted by my search.

“Little Dixie,” she replied, lost in thought. “She was a precious thing.”

I gave her my full attention. She was lonely. The least I could do was listen to her. It was odd to hear about another Dixie. I’d never come across anyone with my name before. “Do you still see her?”

“Oh heavens no,” she said. “She died. Saddest funeral I’ve ever been to.” She shook her head, her voice lost all of its spark. “Never found her little body. I don’t think her momma was ever the same after that.”

“I’m sorry.” I didn’t know what to say. Clearly little Dixie’s death still affected Miss Sally to this day.

“I like cake more than I like chicken,” she said slowly as a mischievous smile lit her eyes.

I was grateful for the change of subject, but her abrupt emotional turnaround made me curious again about her mental state. “Would you like me to get you some cake?” I used her napkin to wipe some chicken grease from her chin.

“You got me all figured out, sugar dumplin’.” She giggled. “But no, if I’m gonna have cake, I need to get my fanny up and get it myself. Give an old lady a hand.”

She reached out and I gently pulled her to her feet. She took my face in her hands and kissed my nose.

“Miss Sally?” I asked as she began her trek to the dessert table. “Do you know where I could find Miss Evelyn?”

“The new gal?”

“New?” I was surprised. For some reason I’d been under the impression Miss Evelyn was from here. It wasn’t anything she said… it was just what I’d assumed.

“Oh yes, sugar pie, she moved here about two weeks ago with her nurse, Rhonda.” Miss Sally shook her head and chuckled. “That Rhonda can play some poker. She won nine dollars off me the other night and I cheat!” She chuckled with delight and slapped her thighs. “If they’re not out here they’ll be out back. Miss Evelyn kinda keeps to herself. Come back and see me, pretty little Dixie.”

As she beelined to her cake, I thought about Grandpa’s cryptic advice. The old ones have wisdom. Learn to dance… was it the dance at the college? Was the dance with Miss Sally important? I looked around and scanned the area for Angels or Demons and sensed nothing. I’d be hard pressed to find any wisdom in Miss Sally’s diatribe about chicken and cheese and long lost little girls who shared my name, but I sure did like her.

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Miss Evelyn stood very still on the steps of the wraparound porch of the senior center and watched our approach. A happy smile played on her lips and her violet eyes danced. For a brief moment I could swear she was a young woman—a blindingly beautiful young woman. I blinked my eyes and she was old again. It must have been the angle of the sun or my recently acquired concussion. Blanche grabbed my hand.

“She’s so pretty it’s weird,” she muttered.

“I know."

She was tall and regal. Her long grey hair hung loose and blew gently in the breeze. She looked like a Grecian goddess even in her lavender housedress and slippers.

“Hello girls.” She smiled warmly. “I’m so glad you came back.”

“We found Steve, I mean Lucky,” I stammered.

“You know,” she mused. “I think Steve is a very fitting name for my wolf. From now on she shall be known as Steve.”

Steve woofed in dismay. My eyes shot to Miss Evelyn’s in wonder. “Did she understand you?”

“Animals are much smarter than you think. Oftentimes far superior to their human counterparts.” Steve’s tail wagged in approval. “Would you young ladies like to come to my home for some tea?”

“Yes,” Blanche and I replied in unison.

“Very good.” Miss Evelyn laughed. “Follow me.”

Rhonda appeared out of nowhere and put out her big beefy arm to steady Miss Evelyn as she walked. Steve followed at Rhonda's heels and Blanche and I brought up the rear. We were an odd little group. My heart pounded rapidly in anticipation of spending time with Miss Evelyn. What was with that?

“Do you like tea?” Blanche whispered.

“Hate it,” I muttered. “And where in the Hell did Rhonda come from?”

“No clue, it’s like she poofed out of thin air,” Blanche marveled.

“Is that possible?”

“They’re too old to be immortals, so no,” she replied.

“About the tea,” I said as I grabbed Blanche so we separated ourselves from them by a few paces. “Just drink it and be polite.”

“Fine, but if I hurl it’s your fault.”

* * *

Miss Evelyn’s home was a bungalow in back of the senior center. There were about fifteen charming little places all in a circle facing an elaborate flower garden with a large fountain in the middle. Her home smelled of gardenias, just like she did. Although it didn’t look like my bungalow in Hell, it had the same rose, chocolate and cream color palette. I was immediately comfortable.

“How do you take your tea?” Miss Evelyn asked.

“Mostly milk, about eight sugars and a minuscule splash of tea,” Blanche replied with utmost sincerity.

I groaned and gave her the evil eye as Miss Evelyn turned away to hide her grin. Blanche shrugged her shoulders helplessly.

“Whatever’s easiest for you would be fine,” I said politely, hoping to counterbalance Blanche's gross request.

Miss Evelyn pressed her lips together in amusement. “How about lemonade instead?”

“Yes!” Blanche shouted in relief.

“That would be lovely,” I cut in before Blanche went into a dissertation on our hatred of tea. We were never going to be asked back at this rate.

“Four lemonades coming right up,” Rhonda said.

“Wait. Four?” Blanche gasped. “You can see me?”

“Only from the front,” she informed my dumbstruck friend, her eyes twinkling. “Oh my stars, sorry for walking through you the other day. Your back was to me.” She winked and left the room, going to what I assumed was the kitchen.

“I’ll help you with that, dear,” Miss Evelyn told her as she followed Rhonda out of the room.

“How in the Hell are they human?” Blanche quietly hissed at me.

“I don’t know, but they are. I think,” I said, bewildered and unnerved. “I can sense a Demon and now that I’ve been around Elijah, I can sense an Angel. They’re neither.”

“What else could they be?” Blanche sounded freaked out, which did nothing for my state of mind.

“You’re supposed to know this stuff.” My eyes narrowed in disgust. “You’re the direction book, for Satan’s sake.”

“I’m your fate, dumbass. I do not have all the answers,” she huffed. She crossed her arms over her chest and pouted. “Do you think we’re in danger?”

“No, we’re safe here. Eden is neutral and even if it wasn’t, Miss Evelyn would never harm us.”

“You’re sure?”

“Very sure.” I knew I was right. I could feel it in my gut. I knew it the same way I knew Elijah would never hurt me.

“Something is burning.” Blanche sniffed the air and pointed toward the kitchen.

“It smells like it,” I agreed. “But it smells good.”

The scent reminded me of a bonfire of sugar or a mountain of slightly burnt cookies. It was definitely coming from the kitchen.

“They’re going to come back in here, grind us up and turn us into baked goods,” Blanche informed me solemnly.

“You so did not just use the term baked goods,” I groaned.

“I did.” She smirked. “And I’m serious.”

“Sweet Baby Satan, you’ve been reading too many fairytales.”

“Possibly, but this place is weird.”

“Yep.” I nodded. “But I like it.”

Miss Evelyn and Rhonda came back carrying a tray of lemonade and cookies. Blanche eyed the baked goods and raised her eyebrows as high as they would go. It was all I could do not to laugh. Rhonda put the tray down and I swear there was a tendril of lavender smoke floating out of her nose. I blinked and it was gone. Now I was seeing things—first, Miss Evelyn as a young woman and now Rhonda as a smoke snorting cookie dealer. Great. I needed a good night’s sleep. Today had simply been too much.

“So, what have you ladies been up to?” Miss Evelyn asked as she served the lemonade.

“Nothing,” I muttered as I took a huge gulp of my drink and hoped she couldn’t tell I was lying. How on Earth could I possibly explain being chased by what I thought was a killer Angel and healing from wounds that would kill a mortal ten times over?

“Same ‘ole, same ‘ole,” Blanche added, quickly shoving two cookies into her mouth.

Miss Evelyn sat back on her loveseat and watched us, clearly amused by our pathetic attempts at deflection. “Hmm, sounds kind of boring.”

“It is,” Blanche agreed as she tried to swallow and talk at the same time. “Totally boring. Nice bracelet,” she added, steering the conversation toward the delicate piece of jewelry on Miss Evelyn’s arm.

It wasn't just a nice bracelet. It was a beautiful bracelet. There were three burnished gold strips woven together like a braid and set in breathtaking pink diamonds. An intricate scroll covered the bands that I assumed was decorative, but on closer inspection I realized they were words. Words of a language I didn’t know… how odd. Miss Evelyn was one big mystery after another.

I leaned forward pretending to examine the bracelet, but really trying to cover up the pieces of chewed cookie that had flown out of Blanche’s face when she spoke with her mouth full.

There were definitely words on the jewelry, and I definitely didn’t understand them. I glanced up and caught Miss Evelyn’s eye. She winked and put her hand back in her lap, effectively hiding the unfamiliar language from me.

“So,” Miss Evelyn turned the tables back on us while graciously ignoring Blanche’s cookie crumb explosion. “Tell me about yourselves, girls.”

Damn, I was a bad liar, but Blanche was worse. I decided to take the reins.

“Well, we just moved here a couple of weeks ago,” I said as I tried to figure out how to bypass the particulars.

“From a tropical area,” Blanche volunteered.

“Yes… um, very tropical,” I cut her off before she announced we were from Hell and Miss Evelyn asked us to leave. Rhonda sat quietly and watched. I kept stealing glimpses at her to see if any more smoke floated out of her nose. Nothing. I was losing it for sure.

“What do your parents do?” Miss Evelyn inquired as she kindly reloaded Blanche’s baked goods plate.

I almost choked.

“Well, you know… um, my dad runs kind of… well, I guess you could say, um… a corporation of sorts. And my mom—I don’t know my mom,” I mumbled, wondering why in the Hell I told her that.

“Oh, I’m sorry.” She took my hand and gave it a squeeze. “I’m sure she would be quite proud of you if she knew you.”

“Well, maybe.” I shrugged my shoulders. “She didn’t want me.”

“Did your father tell you that?” Miss Evelyn asked sharply. Rhonda huffed and rearranged all the cookies on the tray. It was getting a little bizarre here.

“No,” I quickly replied. I’d clearly hit a sore spot with the ladies. Maybe they’d been abandoned too. And my dad never said she didn’t want me. He just never said anything. Period. “No,” I repeated. “He never talked about her.”

She shook her head sadly. “That’s too bad.”

“Did you get dumped by your mom too?” Blanche asked as she pocketed a few cookies and fed several others to Steve. Where in the Hell did she learn her manners? In a barn?

“No!” Miss Evelyn was taken aback. “Why do you ask?”

“You just seem a little wonky about the whole no mom thing.”

“Oh.” She shook her head and laughed. Her laughter sent happy shivers of delight through me. “I simply find it unfortunate that families these days can’t find ways to stay together.”

“Do you have a family?” I asked. A zing of jealousy shot through me as I imagined Miss Evelyn with a bunch of beautiful, well-adjusted children and a handsome husband.

“I do.” She sighed happily and clasped her hands to her chest. “I have two lovely daughters."

Envy set fire to my insides and I exerted great effort for my eyes to remain gold. I needed sleep badly. This was ridiculous. I felt like crying about not being included in a family of people I didn’t even know.

“Do you see your daughters much?” Blanche asked as she held out her glass out to Rhonda for more lemonade. I idly wondered when she’d last eaten. Hell, I didn’t even know she could eat.

“Occasionally,” Miss Evelyn answered. “It’s some of the most precious time I spend. It brings me true joy.”

That was all I could take. The walls closed in around me and I needed to breathe fresh air. “We have to go.” I stood abruptly and gave Blanche a look.

“We do?” She was surprised and clearly not ready to leave.

“Yep, we do,” I insisted tightly, letting her know I meant business. “Thank you for your hospitality, Miss Evelyn and Rhonda,” I blurted. “But I have homework and stuff.”

“Can’t you stay a bit longer?” Miss Evelyn asked.

“No,” I bit my lip so I wouldn’t cry. Steve whimpered in the corner and Blanche stood up uncertainly.

“Dixie,” she pouted while pocketing a few more cookies. I wanted to deck her for her hideous etiquette. “I want to stay.”

“Well, you can’t,” I snapped. What was wrong with me? I knew I was being rude, but my need to leave was overwhelming.

“It’s okay, Blanche,” Miss Evelyn said gently. “You can visit again soon.”

“With all due respect, Miss Evelyn,” I stated firmly even though my insides quaked. “I’m quite sure we won't be back.”

“Dixie,” Blanche gasped. “What is wrong with you?”

That was an outstanding question. My behavior was appalling. I only knew being around Miss Evelyn and Rhonda made me want things I could never have. Things I’d longed for my whole life… things I would continue to long for. Always. I couldn’t be distracted by this. It was consuming me and making me weak.

I was a Demon Princess. Daughter of Satan and I was here for a reason. I was here to find The Balance of Chaos, The Sword of Death and to kill Rogue Demons. Processing that thought made my stomach roil.

I was not here to turn an old woman into a mother figure, flirt with Angels who have agendas or make friends with mean mortals. I was a Demon. I thrive on chaos, anger, hatred and pain. Acceptance of my nature would only make me stronger.

The regret I felt about ending a relationship with Miss Evelyn was physical, but I wasn’t here to be happy.

“It’s all right, Dixie.” Miss Evelyn’s voice was soft and soothing. My body involuntarily leaned toward her warmth and light. “I will be here if you’d like to visit again. You are always welcome.”

She gently took my face in her hands and pressed her lips to my forehead. I stiffened and backed away. I didn’t think witches existed, but the spell she had cast on me felt unmistakably real.

Blanche tentatively stepped to her. “Will you hug me goodbye?”

“Of course.” Miss Evelyn smiled. Her eyes lit up and she took my friend into her arms.

“I need to touch your face,” Blanche told her.

Miss Evelyn hesitated and put an arm’s length between herself and Blanche. It was a bizarre standoff and I was lost. Rhonda moved to Miss Evelyn’s side with a grunt.

“No, Rhonda, it’s necessary. I invite you in,” she told Blanche.

What in the Hell was going on? My feet were rooted to the floor as I watched a surreal episode of The Twilight Zone unfold. Something bad was about to go down, but I couldn’t for the life of me figure out what. The danger was real. I was unsure if it was life threatening or life changing, but I’d already had a shitty day and one more bit of crazy was not going to work for me.

Rhonda and Miss Evelyn definitely had some magic hoodoo going on. It wasn’t Demonic or Angelic, but I was now positive it wasn’t mortal either. The simple fact that they could see Blanche was a dead giveaway.

Why didn’t I listen to Blanche? These crazy old women were probably going to grind us up and turn us into brownies. My gut screamed to tell Blanche not to touch her, but my mouth stayed silent.

Rhonda took my friend’s hand and placed it on Miss Evelyn’s cheek. Blanche’s skin began to glow and a silver mist swirled around her. Her sharp intake of breath, followed by violent shaking ended my silence.

“No,” I shouted as I tried to pull her away.

Rhonda blocked my path as Blanche continued to convulse.

“Stop it,” I screamed and clawed at Rhonda. “You’re hurting her.”

Miss Evelyn stood serenely with her eyes closed while she killed my friend. Rhonda’s grip on me was insane. She was a Mack truck. My fury spiked and I fought Rhonda like a rabid animal. Sparks of red and lavender flew from my fingertips mixing with Blanche’s silver mist, creating an alarming light show of magic that should have scared the old women to death. They ignored it.

I wanted to kill them. However, somewhere in my subconscious I knew that was wrong.

Blanche collapsed at Miss Evelyn’s feet. Her body still convulsed. A fury like I'd never felt consumed me and a chant in a language I didn't know flowed seamlessly from my lips. Hot flashes of rage burned in my gut and the chant turned vicious. Much to my shock and delight all several hundred pounds of Rhonda went flying across the room. She slammed against the wall with a sickening thud and I threw my body over Blanche’s.

“Don’t any of you touch her,” I ground out through clenched teeth. “She’s done nothing to hurt you. If you touch her again I’ll… ”

“Dixie.” Blanche was shaken and her voice was weak. “Stop. They’re not hurting me.”

She began to fade away.

“No, no, no.” I shook my head as tears threatened. “Don’t you dare disappear on me now.”

“It’s okay,” she whispered. “Miss Evelyn is good. Weird, but good.” A small laugh escaped her lips. “We’re not going to end up as baked goods.”

“Blanche.” I pressed her transparent body to my own. All thoughts of anyone else in the room ceased to exist. “You can’t leave me. I need you.”

“Dixie, I’m your fate. I take you where you need to be. Trust me, you’re supposed to be here. You are so much stronger than you think. Believe me.”

“If I’m supposed to be here, you have to stay with me,” I insisted desperately. The tightening in my chest made it hard to breathe.

“I will be back very soon.” Her voice faltered and she shook her head sadly. “These women are important. And guess what?” She grinned. “We were right—they’re not quite mortal.”

“What are they?” I looked up and locked eyes with Miss Evelyn.

“Everything will reveal itself when it’s supposed to. Don’t even say it,” she cut me off before I could explode. “There are too many rules in this damn game.” She giggled faintly as she began to fade away. "Stay true."

She was gone.

I sat motionless on the floor and stared at the spot where Blanche had been, willing her to come back. She knew who or what Miss Evelyn and Rhonda were and she couldn’t tell me. And I’d bet my eternally damned soul these ladies weren’t going to talk.

“I don’t know what Blanche meant,” I said cautiously as I ran my fingers through the glittering silver dust on the floor. “But if she trusts you… I will give you the benefit of the doubt.”

I raised my eyes to Miss Evelyn’s and a sense of peace washed through me. Rhonda helped me to my feet.

“Are you okay?” I asked Rhonda, worried that I may have broken some of her bones or cracked her skull. “I thought you guys were, you know… killing her.”

Rhonda gave me a big toothy smile. “I’m fine, child. That was one heck of a body slam though,” she grunted and rubbed her neck.

How she wasn’t dead was beyond me, but Blanche said they were not mortal. What in the Hell were they? They were old, so they couldn’t be immortal. Clearly there was another species I didn’t know about. That would explain the language on Miss Evelyn’s bracelet.

“I’m really sorry, Rhonda,” I told her. “I'll try not to throw you across the room anymore,” I added lamely.

She belly laughed. “Aww sweetie, I gotta say I enjoyed it. Not many people can give me a run for my money. It makes me real proud of you.”

“Okay… well, thanks.” A compliment was a compliment, no matter how bizarre.

I glanced around Miss Evelyn’s trashed home and winced. I was as bad as my therapy group in their heyday. I wished Stella was here to restore the house… wait a minute. I could do it!

“Miss Evelyn, would you like me to clean up the mess I made?” I asked, halfway hoping she’d decline my offer.

“That would be lovely, dear.”

Craptastic… Here goes nothing. I took a huge breath and closed my eyes. I’d never done this before, but how hard could it be? For Satan’s sake, I could freeze people, throw Mack trucks around and blow up tables and refrigerators. Certainly I could use a little magic to clean a room.

I began to chant the same one I'd used earlier. I wasn't sure what I was saying but it felt good and right. It was interesting to know that I could create magic without anger. As the chant grew the energy of the room whirled and crackled around me. My hair blew wildly around my head tickling my nose. Steve barked as her wagging tail beat against my leg. An intense excitement coursed through my body and I heard Miss Evelyn and Rhonda giggle with delight. I felt happy and light. Behind my closed lids, fireworks burst in a rainbow of sparkling colors. As my chant continued, I idly wondered what the Hell language I was speaking, but it felt so good I didn’t care.

I was done.

I opened my eyes and gasped in dismay. The glitter was gone and the hole in the wall from Rhonda’s crash was repaired, but all was not well. I had cleaned the room, but I also completely rearranged it. The chairs were on the coffee table, the pillows sat atop the television, the couch cushions were backwards and oh so much more…

“Holy Hell,” I moaned. “I am so sorry.”

“Oh my.” Miss Evelyn laughed joyously. “That was wonderful.”

Was she on crack? Rhonda was laughing so hard she snorted. It wasn’t cute. I ran around the room and tried to right all my wrongs. I was so embarrassed I wanted to die.

“Dixie, Dixie.” Miss Evelyn grabbed me around my waist and turned me to face her. “It’s the little things. Enjoy the little things.” She smiled and gave me a quick peck on the cheek.

I stood still and my mortification slowly melted away. She was right. I looked around the room and I saw the humor of it. It was funny. I took a deep breath and smiled. As my smile grew broader and I owned the ridiculousness of the room I’d created… I giggled.

“Just take life a moment at a time,” she whispered in my ear.

“Yes.” I moved into her embrace. “A moment at a time.”

Chapter Twenty-Eight

I got home and slept for fourteen hours. When I awoke at ten the next morning Myrtle was curled up next to me. Janet was sound asleep in the chair next to the bed and Carl snored lightly in a makeshift sleeping bag on the floor. So much for going to class today.

I carefully sat up and looked at my little family who had come to Earth willing to die for me. My breath hitched and my eyes welled up with tears. As out of control as my life was spinning, I knew I was lucky. Starting today all of the pity parties were over. I would be ready to protect my little tribe and make my father proud.

Blanche’s absence made my heart hurt, but I was beginning to understand the pattern. She was my guide, leading me where she knew it was necessary. I was unclear how the old women figured in, but I didn’t doubt that they would.

The world and the people around me were somehow instrumental in why I was here. I was positive that Eden, Kentucky had not been a random choice by my father. With no direction book and only my twenty-one year old wits to guide me, I had a feeling that my path was being dictated by those around me… or at the very least they were providing clues. It frustrated the Hell out of me that everything and everyone was so damn cryptic, but that was the way of the immortal world. I could learn or burn. I decided to learn.

The pieces were clicking quickly and I knew the darkness loomed close. Instead of scaring me, I felt invigorated and excited.

I was having a difficult time wrapping my brain around how Thing One, Thing Two, Thing Three and Thing Four could be anything but annoying, but I wasn’t not going to question anymore. They had to be connected to the dance. The dance from Heaven and Hell… how hideously appropriate.

I also realized why my dad had forbade any contact with Hell. There was no way I would have come this far on my own if I’d had a major support system. Hayden, Stella and Sloth would have caught me every time I fell. I would be no stronger or wiser with that kind of help. I was still angry with Satan but I understood.

Myrtle’s small hand clasped mine. “Are you feeling better?” she asked in a sleepy voice.

“I’m not sure.” I wrinkled my brow in confusion. “I don’t remember crawling into bed last night.”

“You didn’t.” Myrtle rolled over and stretched. “You walked in the front door and collapsed. Carl carried you up.”

Well, that explained why I was still dressed in the clothes I'd worn yesterday. Janet opened her eyes and smiled while Carl snored and snuggled deeper into his thrown together bed.

I patted the space beside me. Janet bounced over and hopped in next to me. I hugged her tight and dragged Myrtle over with my other hand.

“What the… ” Myrtle groaned as I pressed her close to my side.

Carl’s bald head popped up at the end of the bed, a big grin splitting his sweet face. “Can I join the love fetht?” Damn, his dimples were cute.

“Yes, you can.” I grinned, then moaned in agony as I realized he was shirtless. “Oh, Sweet Underworld Carl, please tell me you’re wearing pants.”

He chuckled and raised a hot pink terry cloth covered leg. I rolled my eyes and made room for my dear, hairy, style-impaired friend.

“I'm starting to figure the clusterfuck out,” I told them.

“Lucifer’s Bouncing Balls.” Janet laughed. “You already knew what you needed to know.”

I reached down and checked myself for balls. Thankfully there were none to be found.

“The’th right,” Carl added, giving me a noogie like a third grade boy. "And The Kev and Gemma will be coming today." He continued his noogie fest.

“Quit it, Carl.” I smacked his hand away and tried to noogie him back. "The Fairies are coming?"

"Yep."

He laughed and dodged me, cracking his bald noggin on the headboard and knocking Myrtle to the floor. Janet shrieked with joy and began jumping on the bed.

“Damn it to Hell,” Myrtle yelled. “You people need to act your age.”

She crawled back up on the bed, knocked Janet’s feet out from under her, effectively ending her trampoline time while simultaneously popping Carl in the back of the head. She was good.

“Janet’s correct.” Myrtle’s voice was calm with certainty. “You already have everything you need. Put it together.” She smoothed out the comforter and shoved Carl off the bed. “You’re shedding,” she informed him.

Ewww. I threw myself back onto the mountain of pillows. My mind registered the significance of her words. I knew it was time. "Are you sure?"

“Yes, I am sure that Carl is getting chest hair all over your sheets,” she replied matter of factly.

“No,” I snapped. “Are you sure I already have everything I need?”

My mind reeled and my stomach clenched with excitement. Who cared if I couldn’t restore Miss Evelyn’s room correctly? Did it really matter that I blew up tables and fridges? No, it didn't. I did protect Lucy from her awful father and I healed Steve with my tears. I kept waiting in vain for everything to come together… to feel powerful and knowledgeable and to understand what in the Hell was expected of me.

Waiting was for weenies. There was no more time to wait.

“Dixthie,” Carl said as he tried to help Myrtle remove his chest fur from my bed. “You have to trutht yourthelf. Find your balanth.” The chest hair was going nowhere fast. “You have the thkillth we taught you, you chant in a language we’ve never heard and you potheth Black Magic.”

“You know I have Black Magic?” My eyes narrowed dangerously. No one was supposed to know. Carl blanched and backed away.

“Oh sweetie.” Janet giggled. “You can freeze Demons, and your strength in a matter of a couple of weeks has quadrupled.” She tucked my hair behind my ears and placed her soft little hands on my hot cheeks. “Regular Demons can’t do that—only the strongest Demons with Black Magic are capable of such power so quickly.”

I sucked in a huge breath and blew it out slowly. "I'm a True Immortal," I said. My heart pounded in my ears. It was the first time I'd said the words aloud.

"It's about time," Myrtle shouted.

"Why is it so important I figure it out for myself?" I asked as I rolled my eyes. "Will we really turn to dust if the story gets told before its time?"

Myrtle sat back and clasped her small hands in her lap. "Honestly, we really don't know about the dust thing, but it would suck ass if it was true. The real reason has to do with destiny as opposed to pre-destiny."

"Explain."

"If you knew you were a True Immortal because we told you, you would have done things in a different order and screwed up destiny's timeline. You are the master of your destiny and you have to determine how it plays out."

"Do you already know what's coming or what will happen?" I asked, feeling stronger and more powerful with each passing second.

"No, but it's coming soon," she said and the other two nodded.

"I come from here," I said. "This is where I was born. It's why it feels familiar and it's why my father sent me back here."

"I think you're right," Janet said.

"There was an old lady who told me a story about a little girl named Dixie who died. That was me." I stood and paced. Was that little old lady my mother? She certainly didn't seem like someone my father would have mated with, but what the Hell did I know? It felt wrong, but I was going back there to find out. "Shit, as I figure it out, the ball starts rolling faster," I muttered. "Will this mean all the Angels and Demons will descend and wreak havoc?" Shitdamndamnballs. Again, I checked for balls…

“Relax your crack,” Myrtle rolled her eyes and scooted over next to me. “Very few immortals, Demonic or Angelic, can destroy you… but you, on the other hand, can do a buttload of damage to them.”

“It really would have been fucking awesome to have known this a little earlier." I shook my head in disgust.

Myrtle shrugged and grinned. I wanted to slap her. “Why do you think your father sent us with you?”

“So you could drive me insane?”

“Nooo,” Janet clapped her hands together in glee. Her cackle bounced around the room. I bit my lip to hide my smile. “Our gifts are different from other Demons,” she continued. “It’s why we were shunned in Hell.”

“We are caretakerth.” Carl climbed back on the bed, gauging my mood with caution. “Ath you can imagine, thath not a great quality for a Demon.”

I nodded and waited.

“We can read the intentions and powers of others,” Janet’s voice changed. For the first time I was aware of her true age. “That’s a dangerous power to have.” All of her mirth disappeared. “Most of our kind have been destroyed.”

“We behaved like circus show freaks in Hell,” Myrtle explained. “We were dismissed as weak, stupid and inconsequential. It was our cover.”

Wait,” I interrupted as I tried to piece their story together. “Why were you in therapy with me? Was that a set up?” I gasped. My head swirled with doubt and distrust.

“No!” Carl bellowed. “No thet up.” He rubbed his bald head, a sure sign of distress. “Dixthie, we have been athigned to you from birth. We were created hundredth of yearth ago for you.”

“We never knew our purpose until you were brought to Hell.” Janet grasped my arm, determined to make me understand. “When I saw you as a beautiful little toddler, it was the greatest day of my life.”

“We’ve stayed hidden most of our lives,” Myrtle said quietly. “To be recognized by our Lord and King as protectors to his most beloved child is an honor beyond anything we could have hoped or imagined for ourselves.”

“We love you, Dixthie,” Carl added shyly. “We will protect you and die for you.”

“So the volunteering in Hell to come with me to Earth?”

“Was just for show, in case any traitors were in the midst,” Janet said.

“Therapy?” I asked.

“So you could know us better,” Myrtle said.

I was speechless. As the pieces of my life puzzle clicked together I wanted to laugh. I stared at the three Demons waiting patiently on the bed for my reaction. My brain was racing with whys, hows, what ifs and WTFs. I took a deep breath and in a moment of both perfect calm and utter insanity… I decided to just go with it. One moment at a time.

“I love you guys too,” I told them.

“Thank Satan!” Janet giggled, expelling the breath she’d been holding. “Now that we have all that sorted out, there’s something odd I’ve noticed in Eden, Kentucky. The mortals here are not what they seem.”

“What do you mean?” I asked, hoping she could shed some light on Miss Evelyn and Rhonda.

“I haven’t been able to put my finger on it.” She sighed unhappily.

“Is there a species on Earth that I don’t know about?” I turned to Myrtle, the Keeper of Secrets. If anyone knew, she did.

“Shifters,” she said and my brain clicked so hard it hurt. “Mortals are mortals, but I do believe some of them possess significant magic.”

“Demonic or Angelic?” I asked.

“Neither,” she replied as she shrugged her shoulders.

I ran my hands through my tangled hair and realized I had a few very important visits to make today.

“So,” I said, examining the remarkable amount of chest hair on my comforter, “I have several people I need to surprise today. Is there anything else we should be doing?”

“We keep doing what we’ve been doing… going to school, fight training, planning the dance, having sex in the science closet with Timmy.” She smirked, but then on a dime turned deadly serious. “I believe the trouble will come to us. We don’t need to look for it.”

“Eden is neutral territory,” I reminded her as I wondered if I was going to have to throw my bedding away. I suppose I could take it outside and beat it before I washed it.

“Neutral won’t mean anything to pure evil. They will come,” Carl said, getting off my bed and putting on a t-shirt. Why in Satan’s name couldn’t he have covered the hair rug on his chest before he shed all over my bed?

“He’s right,” Janet added disgustedly. “True evil plays by no rules.”

“Everybody off the bed,” I instructed. “I don’t want to set any of you on fire.”

“What in the Hell are you going to do?” Myrtle asked, wasting no time removing herself from my bed.

“I’m going to use Black Magic to get rid of the massive gift from Carl that’s covering my sheets and making me want to hurl.” I eyeballed Carl who sheepishly grinned. "If I'm gonna save the world, I'd better be able to clean a comforter."

“Holy Baby Beelzebub.” Janet was in a panic. “Be careful and don’t blow up the house.”

She plastered herself against the wall and began inching her way towards the door.

“Janet, if you try to leave this room I will freeze you and zap you bald,” I calmly informed her.

She stopped and gave me a guilty smile. “Sorry,” she whispered contritely.

“No prob.”

I closed my eyes and began to chant, but this time it was different. I narrowed all the thoughts in my mind to encompass exactly what I wanted to happen. I let myself completely relax… I trusted myself.

I continued to chant and tried something else new. I opened my eyes. Maybe if I watched what I was doing, it might go a little better.

A glittering black mist mixed with lavender and gold engulfed my bed. It smelled of citrus and wind. It tickled and I scrunched my nose to stifle the sneeze that was threatening to escape. Myrtle, Janet and Carl’s eyes were wide with anticipation and a healthy dose of fear. I laughed with delight and reached out to run my hands through the mist. It was warm and silky.

I felt right and strong and joyous. I closed my eyes, raised my arms and stopped chanting. As good as I felt, I hesitated to open my eyes.

“Is it gone?” At the very least, I knew I hadn't blown up the house. I would have heard that.

“Yeth!” Carl shouted, tackling and tickling me.

I opened my eyes and screamed, trying to swat Carl away. Janet ran across the room and started bouncing on my clean hairless bed. It was utter chaos and I loved it.

“I’m so proud of you,” Janet trilled, jumping so high she touched the ceiling with each bounce.

I glanced over at Myrtle. She stood quietly against the wall, arms crossed with a wide, open smile on her pretty face. “You done good, my friend.”

Satisfaction and pride burst through me. I was happier than I’d been since coming to Earth.

"Myrtle, are shifters immortal?"

"Not sure. Why?"

"I was just curious."

“We can teach you many things.” Myrtle approached the jump-fest on my bed. “But the trust part is all you. This may seem small,” she said as she referred to the hairless bedding. “However it’s really quite monumental. You can do what needs to be done as long as you trust yourself and believe.”

The room quieted and my friends curled up with me. A cool calm floated through my mind and for the first time I knew I could do it. Do what? I still had no real clue, but it was coming and I would be waiting. And I would win. Maybe Dad had picked the right Demon…

Eventually the Rogue Demons would arrive and wreak havoc. They wanted to kill God and Satan. They were currently in possession of the Sword of Death. That was going to change.

The Balance of Chaos was still a mystery to me. Was it a thing or a person or a state of mind? Maybe killing the Rogue Demons would restore the balance between good and evil. Could it be that simple? Not that killing Rogue Demons would be easy… And Cole? He was a sneaky fucker and I was sure he wasn't clean. Elijah? Another problem along with Miss Evelyn and Rhonda. They were part of the puzzle. But first things first.

"I have to go see a girl about a dog," I said as I eased off the bed and headed for the shower.

"Are we supposed to understand that?" Janet asked.

"Nope." I grinned. "It's my turn to be cryptic."

Chapter Twenty-Nine

She was easy to find as she flitted from the English building to the science labs. I wondered where her minions were, but it was far better to catch her alone. She adjusted a huge banner advertising the upcoming dance. "Get your boogie on at the Heaven vs Hell on Earth Dance" was block printed in black and red. I rolled my eyes at the utter unorginality, but what did I expect?

Most of the students had cleared the area and gone to class. Instinctually I scanned the grounds for danger. I was expecting a visit from Elijah soon. There was no way he wasn't going to show himself again. The campus was calm and I quietly approached Lucy from behind.

"Hey Steve," I said. "How you doing?"

Lucy froze.

"I was wondering if you had a moment, Steve."

She turned and grinned. "Took you long enough," she said as she looped her arm through mine and led us away from campus to a clump of trees.

I shook my head and removed her hand. "Were you going to tell me?"

"I was a little afraid because of the turning to dust rumor," she said as she plopped down on the ground at the base of a tree.

"That one's a bitch," I agreed. "Where are the Things?"

"Things?"

"Your fan club."

"Oh my God." She burst out laughing. "You named them the Things?"

"Yes. I did. It was far too complicated to remember their actual names. Where are they?"

"Well," she said, still laughing. "They found some tiny people and went car shopping."

My stomach descended to my toes. I dropped down to the ground next to Lucy and grabbed her by the shoulders. "What did the tiny people look like?" I demanded.

"Um… they were very cute in a hideous way. I'd have to say they looked like some of the characters from that show Friends. The other two looked like Abe Lincoln and Beyonce."

"Shit," I yelled. "Text the Things and tell them under no circumstances can they go to a car dealership or a strip club."

"Why?"

"They're baby Demons and they like to eat car salesmen," I snapped. I'd forgotten about my cousin's little friends. This was bad. Lucy quickly and frantically texted the girls to explain.

"Done. It's fine." She heaved a huge sigh of relief. "And just so you know there are no strip clubs in Eden.”

"How is it fine? How in the Hell will humans understand salesmen-eating baby Demons from Hell?" I stood and paced a tight circle around the tree. Astrid was going to have my butt. However it was good news to know I didn't have to worry about strip clubs.

"They're not mortal. Most of us in Eden are not human."

That stopped me.

"You're all shifters?"

"Yep. And you're a Demon."

"Can you tell by scent?" I asked her.

"No. It was when you saved my life."

"You knew I was in the room with you and your dad?" What kind of sight did these shifters have?

"No. No, I didn't know you were there. It was outside the shop when I had shifted to my wolf."

Hades, so much was making sense now—her healing and my feelings of paranoia about her knowledge.

"Dixie, you did save me."

"I just screwed with your father," I muttered. "He's a real asshole, by the way."

"True, but that's not what I meant," she said quietly.

The click was fast and it was painful. Hayden hadn't come for a wolf at all. He'd come for Lucy and he let me have her. Why did he let me keep her if it was her time to go?

"Lucy, if Hayden—I mean the Angel of Death, let you stay it means I need you."

"I figured—that's why I've kept following you. What's happening?" she asked as she paled a little. "That hot dude you crashed into the other day was an Angel, wasn't he?"

"Yep. And the dude who let you stay was an Angel."

"And your boyfriend?" she asked with raised brows and a smirk.

"Something like that," I admitted.

"Angels are hot. I would so date an Angel."

"Beware of what you wish for," I told her. "Can I ask you something else?"

"Sure."

"Why did you hate me so much in the beginning?"

"I was jealous… not of how pretty you are or anything so superficial. I'm not even sure I can find the words to explain. It was deep and it hurt. I still don't understand it."

I watched her inner struggle and I believed her. We were connected and I was going to find out how.

"Have you ever fought a Demon?" I asked. What good would she be to me if I got her killed?

"I'm not just a pretty face," she snapped and tossed her blonde hair. "I've never had the opportunity to fight a Demon, but I'm deadly around Rogue shifters."

"Are there Rogues in every freakin' species?"

Of course there were. That was how balance was met. The problems cropped up when evil or good outweighed each other. My guess was that evil was winning at the moment… but why?

"Looks that way," she said as she stood and shifted back and forth on her feet. "What's next?"

"Do the Things know about me?"

"No. For some reason I told no one about you."

"Good," I said as I grabbed her arm and led her to my car. "Let's pay a visit to your owner."

She blanched and violently pulled her arm from my grasp. Damn she was strong. "I won't go to my father. Never again."

"I wasn't talking about your father, I was talking about Miss Evelyn and Rhonda."

She paused and tilted her head to the side. "I only met the old ladies two weeks ago when they showed up. They don't own me."

WTH? Just when things start adding up they begin to fall apart. Shit. "But I assumed… "

"Don't assume—makes an ass out of you and me." She giggled and punched me in the arm.

"Oh my Hell." I groaned and punched her back. "You're a dork. Why did you go to them then? I wanted to keep you."

"I can leave them and shift back to my human version. I wouldn't have been able to do that as easily with you. You seemed kind of needy." She grinned and shrugged. I wanted to deck her, but she was correct. "Plus, there's something about them that I'm wildly attracted to. Especially Miss Evelyn."

I was wildly attracted too.

"She has two daughters," I mumbled and then grabbed my head as the headache blossomed quickly.

"Are you okay?" She gasped as I dropped to my knees.

"Been better," I shot back sarcastically as the pain in my head slowly receded.

"How do you know she has two daughters?"

"She told me."

"And you think we… "

"Yes, I think," I hissed. "And if there was any doubt the explosion in my cranium has put it to rest."

"Oh my God. You're my sister? Who's your dad?"

"Satan."

She paled considerably and I laughed. "According to most he's really hot and he's not as evil as reported. Oh, and while we're dissecting family trees… my other sisters are the Seven Deadly Sins."

"Fuck to the no," she choked out. "I'm related to the Seven Deadly Sins?"

"Technically no, but you can certainly have them if you want them. They're a pain in my ass."

"This is a lot to take in," she whispered.

"Yep." I grinned. "And that's only the beginning."

Chapter Thirty

"She left? That's impossible," I told the little chicken-eating senior citizen, Miss Sally. "She didn't say goodbye."

"Oh sweetienumnum, I'm so sorry. Was she your grandma?" she asked kindly.

"No. She was just someone I think I used to know."

What did I do now? Lucy stood trembling beside me. Was she going to cry?

"Did Miss Evelyn or Rhonda leave a forwarding address?" she inquired icily. She wasn't going to cry. She was furious.

"Um no, little one. I'm afraid she didn't," Miss Sally said, either ignoring Lucy's ire or not noticing it. "I have to go to pottery class. Would you pretty gals like to join me?"

"No, but thanks. We have to go."

"Well, come back and see me, Dixie." She sighed and shook her head. "Such a tragedy. That little girl died too young."

"She's nuts," Lucy hissed in my ear.

"Isn't everyone?" I shot back. As Miss Sally wandered away, I called out to her. "How did little Dixie die?"

"She was taken by Angels—two of them. I saw it. They fought with each other like the Devil himself. The golden winged one beat the black winged one. The golden Angel won and he flew away with her. No one believes me, but I saw it."

"What the fuck?" Lucy mumbled and I elbowed her.

"Was the child scared?" I asked.

Miss Sally considered me for a moment to decide if I was making fun of her. She shook her head in confusion. "No. She wrapped her little arms around his neck, kissed his cheek and laid her head on his chest. Her poor mother saw the whole thing. She stood there paralyzed and cried. Eve was a good woman. She just broke after the Angels took her baby."

Miss Sally gave us a wave and walked away. My heart constricted and black spots danced in front of my eyes. I'd bet my Immortal life that Elijah had black wings and that Hayden was the Angel who took me to Hell. And my mother was Eve. Eve was one of the True Immortals. Was she that Eve?

"Your last name?" I asked Lucy.

"Adams," she said slowly.

"Coincidence?"

"I don't think so," she ground out as her body continued to shake. "Why would she leave me with that monster? Screw her. She left me and let some psycho Angels steal you. Fuck her." Her tears flowed freely and I realized I was missing a piece of Lucy's puzzle. I wasn't ready to deal with the abstract of our mother's abandonment of us, so I'd stick to fact finding.

"How old are you?"

She looked at me like I was nuts. "In the upper thousands somewhere. I lost track hundreds of years ago."

It was hard to throw me, but she did. "You've lived in Eden for thousands of years?"

"I told you, we're shifters. Immortal shifters. This is where you live if you're a freak like me," she snapped. "Mortals rarely come here, and if they do they don't stay. We don't have to explain ourselves."

"Community college?"

"We get bored. We have to do something. I sold real estate for a while and I tried to be an actress in Hollywood back in the thirties, but when people noticed I didn't age I had to come back here." She sighed and chewed on her lips. "How old are you?"

"Twenty-one."

"You're shitting me." Her eyes grew wide and she threw her hands up. "For real?"

"Yep."

"And you're gonna save the world?"

"Yep."

She paused for at least a minute, shrugged her shoulders and then smirked. "Well, all right then. Let's go."

I began to walk to my car with Lucy, my sister, close on my heels.

"Where are we going now?" she asked.

"To hang with some Fairies."

"Fairies are real?" she asked doubtfully.

"As real as shifters, Demons and Vampyres."

"Vampyres are real too?" She came to an abrupt halt and smacked herself in the forehead. Her blonde hair flew around her head like a halo.

"Dude." I grinned. "For being older than dirt, you sure don't know very much."

She nodded her head in agreement. "I gotta get out more," she muttered and pushed me toward the car. "Do Fairies bite?"

"No, not that I know of, but I hear they punch like a freight train."

"Cool."

I shook my head and laughed. Weird was weird, but my life was turning insane.

* * *

Carl and The Kev tangoed across the back yard dressed in brightly colored sequined dresses while Gemma painted Janet and Myrtle's fingernails. The baby Demons were thankfully back and they jumped around the fray, pummeling each other happily as they grunted out a bizarre rhythm for the tango. Just another normal day at my house.

"Which ones are the Fairies?" Lucy asked as she tried to take it all in.

"The one who looks like the Terminator in a gown and the gorgeous one doing the manicures. The rest are Demons, but you already knew about Myrtle."

"Is she really your cousin?"

"Nope, but I love her like family and I'll kill anyone who screws with her," I told Lucy as I pulled her into the circus.

"Krumecaca," The Kev yelled with delight as he dipped Carl. Carl squealed as he righted himself and slid slowly into the splits. "And look! You brought your sister!"

Everyone shrieked, froze and frantically examined their bodies.

"It's okay, guys," I reassured them. "I already knew. No one is turning to dust… yet." I eyed The Kev distrustfully. "You sure are a deadly fountain of info."

His grin was contagious and I looked down to hide my smile. Fairies were something else altogether.

"Can I tell you a little secret?" he asked.

"Will I live through it, big guy?" I shot back.

He threw back his head and laughed heartily. "If you added a few curses I would have mistaken you for Astrid."

"Astrid?" Lucy asked.

"My foul mouthed, kickass, take no prisoners, pregnant Vampyre cousin," I explained as I preened under The Kev's compliment.

"What’s the secret?" I asked.

He pulled me to the far corner of the massive yard and narrowed his eyes. He made me uncomfortable, but I knew he was a premeditated man. He wasn't about to tell me something I didn't need to know.

"The turning to dust thing. It's bullshit."

"What?" I shouted as the crowd in the distance winced. "You have got to be fucking kidding me. Why in the Hell… ?"

"Shhhh." The Kev put his finger to his lips and winked. "If there was no need for the story it would not exist—would it?"

"Why are you telling me?" I snapped. My life would have been a whole Hell of a lot easier if everyone, good and bad, had been able to clue me in.

"How can we balance anything if there are no repercussions? Why should it be necessary to hold the future and destiny sacred? Why, little True Immortal? Why would that be important?"

I was still stuck on the fact that the dust story was false and that everyone believed it. Who even started it? The Fairies? The Kev stood quietly and waited for my answer. I knew it was a test—a huge one. However I also knew I would pass.

"Because I create my own destiny. Any one of us, no matter how powerful, could be controlled by someone or something else unless we let destiny play out in its own time. But how do you know I won't screw with people—change destiny now that I know the secret?"

The Kev squatted down until we were nose to nose. "Because you are Balance, Dixie. That is your job. All True Immortals have one: God is Good, Satan is Evil, Mother Nature is Emotion, your Grandfather is Wisdom, The Angel of Light is Life, The Angel of Death is Death, Astrid is Compassion and you are Balance."

"Holy Hell, The Kev, that was one overload of info, but you forgot someone. What is my mother?"

"What do you think your mother is?" he asked as he pulled me farther away and led me to a stone bench in a grove of flowering trees.

"A nightmare? A craptastic parent? How am I supposed to know what the Hell her job is? All I've ever heard is that she hasn't been doing it well."

"Sometimes people become incapable of what they are asked to do. What do you think of her?" he asked.

"Are you everywhere?" I asked. "How do you know I know who she is?"

He expelled a sigh. "My life is nothing like yours or any other Immortal you know," he said wearily. "Secrets cannot be hidden from me—dreams, wishes, desires. This is not a bonus. It is a burden. Until I found Gemma, my life was one of vast painful emptiness and very soon I will have to fight for her very existence."

"How is that fair?" I demanded. I barely knew the crazy man sitting in front of me, but he touched me deeply and I knew he was good.

"Be careful, child," he advised. "I am not all good nor am I all evil. I am a person who gets done what needs to be done. Do not elevate me or anyone to more than what they are."

I considered his words and I understood, but it still made me sad. "When the time comes to fight for her, I will be there if you need me."

He was taken aback by my words and pulled me into an embrace I never wanted to leave. He was beautiful, kind and fair. I knew for certain there was no such thing as good or evil in its purest sense, and the desire to attain it was impossible and wrong.

"I will remember your words, Balance. Your time draws near and the stakes are high. Your success will depend on looking at all sides with clear eyes."

"Um, since we both know the dust thingie isn't true… you wanna let loose with a little more?" I asked as innocently as I could without giggling.

"The dust thingie was created for a reason, little one. Just because you know we'll live through it, do you really want to know my version of the future when you still have the ability to change it—make it yours?"

Damn, I was so tempted I itched, but he was right.

"Is there anything else you can tell me without fucking with the future?"

"Astrid will be so proud of your mouth," he said as he contemplated my request. "The Balance of Chaos is not an abstract notion. It breathes and is temptation personified."

"Hmmm. A little vague, but more than I knew a few seconds ago, Fairy Man." I leaned in and kissed his cheek. "Are you gonna punch me like you punched Astrid?"

"Heavens no! I trained Carl over seventy-five years ago. His instruction is outstanding!"

"You trained Carl?" I was flabbergasted.

"I have trained many. Have a chat with your father or uncle sometime," he said as he grabbed my hand and pulled me back into my yard of warped reality. I shook my head in disbelief. Fairies were nuts and I liked them. A lot.

"You okay?" Myrtle asked as she offered snacks to our guests. I hoped like Hell she hadn't prepared them. She was a disaster in the kitchen.

"I'm good."

"Lucy's your sister?"

"Looking that way." I grinned and shrugged. "And Timmy your boyfriend is a wolf shifter?"

"Oh no," she whispered. "He's a bear shifter, and I can't even begin to tell you the things a bear can do with its tongue."

"Please don't," I begged as I made a quick escape. I'd thought all shifters were wolves. Don't assume. I found Lucy off on the side of the yard by herself.

"Do you want me to stay here?" Lucy asked, not making eye contact.

"Where have you been sleeping?" I asked, knowing she wasn't going home to her father anymore.

"My car," she answered.

"Then yes. You now live here. Period," I stated as a look of relief washed over her features. "Why didn't you stay with a Thing?"

"They're vultures."

"Yeah. And?"

"No, I mean they're seriously vultures. They shift to vultures, and when they're not at school they usually take their bird form and sleep in caves." She wrinkled her nose in disgust.

"I can see how that wouldn't appeal," I muttered. "Why are you friends with vultures?"

"I got bored with the wolves and bears and lions. The vultures showed up about a year ago and they make good little followers." She laughed.

"You like having followers?"

"Breaks up the monotony," she said.

"I suppose. Do you remember the little girl named Dixie?" I asked.

"Kind of. I was climbing Mt. Everest for a couple of years back then."

"Years?"

"Yeah." She chuckled. "I could do it in a day, so I had to figure out ways not to freak all the mortal climbers out. It was a blast. I almost got hitched to a sherpa, but it would suck to outlive someone and there are just too many questions when they get older and you don't. It was colder than a witch’s tit, but beautiful. Oh my God, do witches exist? Wait, what the Hell did you ask me? I forgot."

"Do you remember little Dixie? And I have no clue if witches exist."

"They do and they're mean as snakes," The Kev yelled from across the yard as he examined the snack Myrtle had insisted he eat.

"Thanks," I yelled back.

"Damn, his hearing is good," Lucy said appreciatively.

"My question?" I reminded her.

"Right. I remember a little girl died and there was no body. I had no clue you were a Demon. I thought you were a shifter. I vaguely recall a ceremony and a marker placed in the cemetery."

"Eden has a cemetery?" I asked with an excitement that made me tingle.

She looked at me strangely and then her eyes lit up. "It's not in Eden proper, it's outside. Immortals don't often have much use for cemeteries."

"It's outside of neutral territory?" This could be risky.

"Yeah." She nodded as she pondered the pros and cons of us visiting territory without safeguards. She closed her eyes and inhaled deeply. "You wanna go?"

"I believe we might find what we're searching for if we do."

"I think you might be right."

"I'm going to transport us," I told her. "It will be faster."

"Is that safe?" she asked as she chewed her lips in distress. "I do recall hearing when I was shifted that you tend to end up places you didn't mean to."

"Yep, I do. You with me?" I grinned and held out my hand—to my sister.

Her own smile matched my grin and she put her hand in mine. "You're crazy, but I'm crazier. Let's go."

Chapter Thirty-One

"Is this the right place?" I whispered as I glanced around at the decrepit headstones and overgrown weeds. Early twilight in a graveyard was freaky—even for a Demon.

"This is it. I told you Immortals don't have much use for cemeteries."

"Are there mortals buried here?" I asked as I stepped over the decapitated stone head of an Angel statue.

"No clue. Doesn't smell mortal, but I haven't sniffed a lot of dead ones. Do you think she's here?"

I closed my eyes and quietly chanted. I let my magic fly away from me a bit as I searched for my mother.

"What are you chanting?" Lucy asked as she involuntarily shivered.

"Some dead language," I muttered.

"Do you even know what the Hell you're saying?" she asked, aghast.

"Do you want me to lie?"

She put her head in her hands and tried not to laugh. "Yes."

"Oookay, then I know exactly what I'm saying and exactly what I'm doing and little monkeys are going to fly out of your ass in twelve seconds."

"You suck," she moaned and checked her backside for primates.

"You looked." I laughed and then froze. "She's here."

Carefully and silently we made our way across the graveyard. The last of the setting sun cast an eerie orange and red glow on the crumbling stone tombs. Our mother sat on a bench next to a large headstone labeled Dixie and wept. Rhonda stood beside her. Tendrils of colorful smoke wafted from Rhonda's nose and her eyes glowed purple.

"What in the Hell is Rhonda?"

"If I had to guess I'd say dragon shifter," Lucy whispered unhappily. "I've never seen one before. Most shifters don't believe they exist. They're supposed to be seriously deadly."

"Awesome. Hi Mom," I yelled across the cement jungle. "You forgot to say bye. Again."

"Let her be," Rhonda growled. "She is in pain."

"Like I've been in pain, stuck with my bastard father for thousands of years?" Lucy spat.

"You don't understand," Rhonda insisted and put loving arms around Eve. "I told you to leave. I don't want to have to make you do it," she threatened.

"You can't," I said.

"Do you want to try me?" she asked ominously.

"Do you want to try me is the question you should consider," I countered. A very brief flicker of fear shot across Rhonda's face, but I saw it and I smiled. "We aren't here for a bogus family reunion. You already had that with us over the last few weeks. We're here for answers, Mom."

"It's all right, Rhonda. I owe them as much."

Lucy growled and I put my hand on her arm. As much as I hated the woman on the bench, my impulse was to go and comfort her. Was I so desperate for her love and acceptance that I'd become pathetic?

"Who are you?" I demanded.

"I'm Eve, the Balance of Chaos."

My knees buckled and I grabbed onto my sister for purchase. I'd been looking for my mother all along? What kind of sick joke was this? She was the Balance of Chaos and I was Balance? How did that make sense? I glanced around warily. I'd found Chaos. Did that mean the Sword of Death-wielding Rogue Demons weren't far behind? Shit, why didn't I bring the baby Demons? I wanted to do damage, but the feel of my sister's skin beneath my fingertips helped me hold on to the thin shreds of sanity I still possessed.

I closed my eyes and thought and it slowly became more clear. They all knew she wouldn't be able to resist finding me if I came to Earth. My father, grandfather, Mother Nature, the rest of the True Immortals… but who else? How could her presence kill my father and God?

"Balance of Chaos can't be your job. It doesn't work. What's your job?"

"You don't have to tell her anything," Rhonda hissed.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Lucy yelled. "Shut your Dragon cakehole or I'll shut it for you—with my foot."

If the situation wasn't so wrong I would have laughed at the expression on Rhonda's face. As hard as I tried, I couldn't hold back a snort—neither could Lucy. Much to my amazement and wonder, Rhonda and Eve began to giggle.

"Well, they're certainly your daughters," Rhonda muttered and sat down next to the now grinning Eve. "Go ahead. Show yourself."

Eve began to glow in a vivid haze of pink and gold as she transformed before our eyes into the exquisite woman I'd seen on the porch of the old folks home.

"Blanche and I weren't seeing things," I gasped.

"Who in the Hell is Blanche?" Lucy asked, looking around in alarm.

"She's gone as you knew her," Eve said quietly. "You don't need her anymore."

"You did kill her," I said.

"No. She was here to serve a purpose. You created her and you let her go when you were ready," Eve said.

"I didn't let her go. You turned her to dust," I accused.

"Dixie, she's you. She just won't manifest outside of you anymore because you were ready to take her in and own her. You are now the true master of your destiny and fate."

It made sense, but it made me angry. I created her to replace a lot of the things Eve should have done for me as a mother, but didn't because she wasn't there. However I was grown now and I had a choice… wallow in the past or try to understand the woman who went away.

"Your job?" I asked.

Eve hesitated and wrung her slender fingers. "I control temptation. I am temptation. I feel it and I cause it… thus creating chaos."

"Well, that must suck," Lucy blurted out.

"Why in the Hell would a True Immortal's job be Temptation?" I asked as I approached her. "Why?"

"It keeps good and evil in check. It keeps the thirst alive for wisdom and the need for emotion honest." She bowed her head in shame. "And I have let them all down. I can't do it anymore."

My draw to her made more sense. Everything that should have repulsed me about her was appealing. "Was my father this drawn to you?"

"Yes, and so was his brother." Hmm, that was interesting.

"Were you what caused the rift?"

"I was part of it. There were many more issues than desire for me," she explained.

"And my father?" Lucy demanded.

"I'm sorry." Eve looked away as tears rolled down her lovely cheeks. "I'm so sorry, Lucy."

"Sorry doesn't really cut it, Eve," Lucy said acidly. "However, I'd like to thank you for finally revealing yourself. I will no longer glorify you in my dreams."

Eve was silent, and as harsh as Lucy's statement was I agreed. My mother was weak. Maybe more in Lucy's case than mine, but she was weak. Her Dragon protector now made sense.

"Everyone is looking for you," I told her. "You have fallen down on the job and now some big clusterfuck is looming and I have to fix it."

Her eyes went wide and she gasped. "What?"

"You heard me, Mom. Why have you not done your duty?"

"It hurts," she whispered.

"Tough titty." Lucy shook her head with disgust. "Pain sucks and then you go eat dinner. I've been doing it for thousands of years, Mommy. I don't buy this poor me crap. You're selfish and playing some kind of game, but if my sister… who I just freakin' found dies because you're too narcissistic to do your damn job, then I'll kill you."

"We're True Immortals," I whispered to Lucy.

"You can't die?" she asked, relieved.

"Not really, but neither can she."

"Whatever," Lucy snapped. "I'll just fuck her up real good then."

I realized in that moment how bad my sister's existence had been. I'd been without a mother for twenty-one years, but I had a father and sisters and grandparents who loved me in their own warped way. Lucy had none of that. She had nothing, yet she was still here. She still laughed and felt compassion, love and anger. She climbed Mt. Everest and sold real estate… She was amazing and would never be alone again as long I was around.

"That'll work," I told her and hugged her to me hard.

"One more question, Mommy," Lucy said emotionlessly. "Why did you abandon us?"

Eve shook her head and sighed. "I couldn't take care of you."

"Couldn't or wouldn't?" she snapped.

"I..." Eve was cut off by a violent explosion.

"Motherhumpinshithatscocksuckercrap," a welcome and familiar voice shrieked as the owner fell from the sky in a massive cloud of glitter and sparks. "I am missing Downton Abbey for this shit and I'm not happy," Mother Nature shouted as she righted herself. "Hi Dixie." She giggled and waved.

"Hi, Grandma Gigi." I waved back and blew her a kiss.

"That's your grandma?" Lucy whispered in a strangled voice.

"I prefer Gigi, but you can also call me Mother Nature, sweet child," she said as she bestowed a wet kiss on Lucy's cheek. "I've been watching you and I think you would make a fabu pole dancer. I officially invite you to Nirvana. You are tough as nails and I do believe you could help me knock Dixie's sisters Lust, Wrath and Greed into line. What do you think?"

Lucy was speechless, but she nodded her head vigorously. I grinned as I thought about Lucy handing it to the nastiest of the Seven Deadly Sins.

"Good. That's settled," Mother Nature said as she adjusted the neckline of her gown that was showing an obscene amount of cleavage. "Now about you," she hissed as she turned to my mother.

"Don't," Rhonda warned shakily.

"Don't what?" Mother Nature asked pleasantly. "Don't turn your Dragon ass into a handbag and matching pumps? Or how about a skintight bustier and booty shorts for my upcoming pole humping competition?"

"Pole dancing," I corrected her.

"That's what I said."

Lucy giggled and I gave her a quick elbow.

"Gaia," Eve said, using Mother Nature’s given name. "She is just protecting me."

"From what? Yourself?" Gigi sneered. "You have played with my boys and my granddaughter. That gives me gas, but now you're playing with destiny. I won't even begin to tell you what malady that causes my lower regions."

"Thank Hades," I mumbled and Lucy choked.

"I have done what I needed to do to survive." Eve stood and faced my grandma. "I have done nothing wrong."

“No, my dearest temptress… you have simply done nothing at all. There's a big difference. While you've wallowed in your perceived pain, those that wish to destroy balance have been quite busy. Your lack of balls has put your daughter, my sons and the mortal world as we know it in peril. Plus," she hissed, "I'm missing my program. If I miss Long Island Medium, there's no telling what will happen to Asia."

My family's obsession with balls made me involuntarily check to make sure I hadn't physically grown any.

"What are you doing?" Lucy asked as I discreetly grabbed my crotch.

"I’ll tell you later," I whispered, relieved that I was still nutsack free.

"What do you expect of me?" my mother cried. Her distress was real, but it didn't move me. Rhonda went to her and held her gently.

"I expect you to do what you were created for," Mother Nature said in a voice that was chilling. "I expect you to dump your baggage and step up. Now," she roared as the tombstone bearing my name crumbled to the ground. "Your daughter is not dead. She will not die, but you, my little temptress, are walking very close to the edge."

"We will not listen to this," Rhonda said angrily. "Eve does not deserve this. We will take our leave."

The Dragon threw her huge arms in the air and my mother and her protector vanished.

"Well, that was stupid and shortsighted," Mother Nature quipped and giggled.

"What are you talking about?" I asked as Lucy's mouth gaped open.

"It's not wise to fuck with Mother Nature," Gigi said.

"I thought it was fool," Lucy whispered.

"It is," Mother Nature agreed. "But fuck is simply more fun to say. Don't you think?"

"Yes," Lucy acknowledged. "It is."

"My kind of girl," Gigi said as she patted a happy Lucy on the head lovingly. "Well, my job here is done." She lifted her arms and prepared to blast off to somewhere.

"Wait," I yelled. "Do you have anything else to tell me?"

"Absolutely not," she sniffed incredulously. "I have no intention of turning us all to dust. I won the last fifteen pole dancing marathons. I'm on a roll. Not gonna screw with those odds."

"But… " I stopped myself and swallowed back the words that had almost left my lips. The Kev was right. I was in charge of my own destiny. I would discover the rest of the journey. Alone. "I love you," I told her instead.

"And I you," she cooed. "And you too, Lucy. I take you on as a step-Gigi. Can you cook?" she inquired.

"Kind of," Lucy answered.

"Good enough," Gigi shouted as a funnel of turquoise glitter engulfed her. "I'll expect you next month. You'll teach me to cook and I'll teach you to hump a pole like a stripper. Dixie, you come too and bring your man. He has a wonderful ass and I'd enjoy grabbing it."

On those alarming parting words she disappeared.

"Holy shit," Lucy uttered.

"Yep. That about covers it."

Chapter Thirty-Two

Lucy slept soundly in her new room after Janet fussed over her for an hour. Myrtle was on a date with Timmy the Bear shifter doing Satan knew what, Carl was sewing sequins on matching tutus for himself and The Kev and the baby Demons were watching a monster truck marathon and beating the Hell out of each other. All was right with my world at the moment. I was exhausted. All I wanted was my bed and my dreams about Hayden. The thought of Gigi grabbing the Angel of Death's ass brought a smile to my lips. I wouldn't mind grabbing his ass either. Another week till I could see him. I couldn't wait.

Pulling on some clean panties after a quick shower was about all I could muster up the energy to do. I fell to my bed, yanked the comforter over my head and sighed with pleasure.

"Hello Dixie."

WTH? How could a bad day get worse? Let me see… the Angel of Light could show up in my bedroom when I was wearing nothing but panties.

"Leave," I snapped as I secured the comforter around me.

"Now that's just rude," he replied.

"No. It's rude to show up uninvited when I've had a shitty day."

"I didn't think I'd get an invite," he said sulkily.

"You were correct, Angel boy."

"So I invited myself."

"Look, Elijah. Hayden is my soul mate. You’re hot and all, but I'm good with the man I love," I told him.

"You kissed me," he informed me triumphantly.

"No, actually you kissed me," I shot back.

"Semantics," he said dismissively.

"Elijah, I love Hayden."

His eyes flashed and he advanced on the bed. "You think the Angel of Death is capable of love?"

"Yes, I do."

"You never had a chance," he said sadly. "You have so much good in you from your mother, but it's been tainted by your evil side."

I could certainly tell him a few things about my mother's goodness, but I was too pissed off about the rest of what he'd said.

"You think you're not evil?" I raised an eyebrow and waited.

"I'm the Angel of Light. I am goodness and love," he insisted.

"Blah, blah, blah. It seems a little evil to me to hit on your brother's soul mate."

He was taken aback at either my snarkiness or my accuracy.

"I never had a chance with you," he pouted. "You could have been perfect and good."

"Give me a break." I rolled my eyes and groaned. "There is no such thing as pure good or pure evil."

"Of course there is," he huffed indignantly. "I'm pure goodness."

"Nope."

"I am."

"Nope."

"Yes. I. Am," he roared and knocked all the pictures from my bedroom walls.

"That wasn't very good," I muttered and grinned.

"All right. Fine. I'm just pissed that I never had a chance." He crossed to the other side of the room and dropped into a beanbag chair.

The simple fact that the Angel of Light was sitting in a rose-colored beanbag chair was enough to keep me giggling for a while.

"What?" he demanded.

"Nothing. Is it because I'm a True Immortal?" I asked. "Is that why you want me?"

"No. Yes. I don't know," he admitted. "You're beautiful and you're Balance. I was hoping to tip the scales."

"And that's good?"

"No," he said sheepishly. "I suppose not."

An alarmingly depressing thought crossed my brain. Did Hayden want me for the same reason?

"No, he doesn't," Elijah ground out morosely.

"Did I say that out loud?" I gasped.

"No. I can read minds, especially when they yell as loud as yours does. As much as I loathe to admit it, my bastard brother loves you. The evil part and the good part."

"Was that so hard?" I asked, smiling. A huge weight lifted from my heart and if I wasn't mostly naked I would have hugged the Angel in my room. As annoying as he was, I did kind of like him.

"Actually it was. However, he will be pissed." Elijah grinned evilly.

"Why?"

"He'll be able to scent that I was here."

"Now that is evil," I informed him and wondered how angry Hayden would be.

"It is, isn't it? That was fun." He threw his head back and laughed. He really was beautiful, but he wasn't for me. "Dixie, I may not win your hand, but I will do my duty to help you keep balance. If you ever need me, just think of our kiss."

"Are you for real?"

"No, but it is fun being a little bad." He grinned like a naughty child. "You simply have to call my name and I will always come."

"Thank you. Elijah, are your wings black?"

"You're most welcome and, irony of all ironies, they are. It figures that the Angel of Death would get the golden wings. I have to go. I do believe evil is on his way."

He stood and vanished in a shower of golden mist.

I sighed as I realized that it was very true that he and Hayden had been the ones who had fought over me as a child. I pulled my covers tightly around me and wished the other part of his statement had been true, but there was still a week before Hayden was permitted to see me.

"Where is he?" a furious voice demanded.

"Oh my Hell," I shouted as I jumped up and banged my head on the lamp next to my bed. "What are you doing here?"

"Is he under the bed?" Hayden demanded, his eyes narrowing.

"Are you being a dick?"

"Did you just call me a dick?"

"No, I asked you if you were being one," I replied. I wanted to jump him so badly it hurt, but he was going to have to lose the ‘tude.

"You are practically naked and I can smell the bastard's scent. I am going to kill him and then I will spank you," he snapped as he looked under the bed.

"Will you make love to me after my spanking?" I asked as I watched him tear up my room.

"Yes, of course."

He froze and then slowly glanced up.

"Would you like to talk before you completely destroy my bedroom?" I inquired politely.

His chest heaved and he barely held onto his control. Bad boys were freakin' hot. I smiled and waited.

"You're different," he said as he slowly made his way toward my bed.

"I had no choice. I grew up."

His eyes flashed red and his movement ceased. His desire was extremely evident, but he held back.

"Did anything happen between you and my brother?"

"What do you mean by that?"

"Hell Dixie, I'm hanging on by a thread here. You've got to help me out." His breathing was labored and the muscles were taut in his neck.

"Are you sorry for being a dick?"

He ran his hands through his hair and sighed dramatically. "Yes, I'm sorry for being a dick."

"Nothing happened with your brother. I'm in love with you."

His grin set my panties on fire, but I backed away. "You cannot storm in here and accuse me of cheating ever again. There will be times work will keep us apart and you will lose panty privileges if you behave like a Neanderthal. We clear on that, buddy?"

"First you call me a dick and then you call me buddy. Do you think that's wise?" His expression was feral and I was losing my inner battle with making him wait.

"Will it get me a spanking?" I asked sweetly.

Yes," he said in a gruff voice. "It will."

"Then I suppose it was very wise then."

The sexual tension in the room was almost suffocating and I was happily drowning in it. Hayden unhurriedly pulled his shirt over his head and tossed it on the floor. He kicked out of his shoes and went for his jeans. His broad chest and six-pack abs were gorgeous and made me shiver all over. Need coursed through me, but I wanted the rules to change.

"Freeze," I said as he glanced up at me in confusion. "I want to undress you."

His smile was sinful and he dropped his hands to his sides. "Be my guest."

I crawled off the bed and approached. As I ran my hands lightly over his torso, my fingers tingled and my stomach clenched with desire. I pressed my naked aching breasts to his chest and rubbed my body on his, eliciting the exact response I wanted. However the plans I had for him would fly out the window if I didn't pull back. Regaining what little composure I had left, I unbuttoned his jeans and slid them and his boxer briefs down his long muscular legs. The blond hair teased my fingertips as I massaged his thighs.

On my knees, I came face to face with something huge and beautiful. I squeezed my legs together tightly in anticipation what was to come. I'd dreamt of Hayden taking me over and over and I planned to live that fantasy tonight.

Learning the ropes by the seat of my pants had become my normal and I decided to keep going with that method. I took his erection in my hand and licked it softly. He tasted like the best kind of sin and the drop of liquid on the head was salty and delicious. His sharp intake of breath and muttered curses made me bolder.

I wrapped my lips around the head of his cock and sucked gently. My cheeks hollowed and I swirled my tongue around the tip.

"I won't break," he ground out through his teeth as he threaded his hands in my hair. "Suck me harder."

I did.

And he went wild.

The sheer potency of having a being so powerful at my mercy was heady, but loving the person I was giving pleasure was far more staggering on levels I could have never imagined. The sounds coming from deep within his chest sent white-hot sparks of heat through my body and I increased my speed.

"Dixie, stop," he demanded as he pulled himself from my mouth with a pop. "I want to come inside you." Dropping to his knees in front of me and pressing his forehead to mine, he held my head immobile as brushed sweet kisses on my lips.

"I am a jealous man," he hissed as he took my aching nipples between his fingers and applied pressure I could feel between my legs. "You're mine."

"That's okay." I moaned as I bit down on his neck and sucked. "I accidently blow up kitchen appliances and I like expensive shoes."

"I can live with that," he growled as he picked me up and threw me on the bed. "I rarely use the clothes hamper and I suck at leaving the toilet seat down."

"That's not gonna work," I said as I took his throbbing erection in my hand and stroked it.

"I'll try and do better with that one," he grunted as he took my distended nipple into his mouth and sucked hard.

"I don't really cook." I moaned and ran my nails lightly over his testicles.

"I like Chinese takeout," he muttered as he slid down my body and did sinful things between my legs.

"I like Indian, but we can compromise," I squealed as his teeth and tongue sent me into a violent orgasm.

"I need to fuck you." His eyes were wild and his hands were everywhere.

"I wanna be on top."

"No need for a compromise there." He grinned and rolled to his back. All six foot six of my beautiful lover was laid out before me and I trembled with need. His eyes blazed red as I slowly and deliberately straddled him. Taking him in my hand, I put him right where I wanted him and slid him inside me. The stretch and slight burn was like coming home and my head dropped back to my shoulders as I sheathed him completely.

"I love you, Dixie," he promised as my body rocked on his. "I will love you to the end of time."

Tears welled in my eyes as the magnitude of what I felt for this beautiful complicated man overwhelmed me. "I love you too," I whispered as my desire escalated and the time for slow and easy ended. His grip on my hips as his body merged with mine would leave marks, but no less than the ones I left on his chest with my nails as I screamed through the mother of all orgasms.

My body clenched around his as ripple after ripple of heat tore through my abdomen and Hayden growled as he came. Collapsing on top of him, I felt him grow rigid again inside me.

"I don't think I can," I gasped as he rolled me to my back.

"Trust me." He grinned as he rotated his hips making my brain short out. "I know you can."

He was right.

I could. And I did.

Four more times.

Chapter Thirty-Three

"I have to go," Hayden murmured as his fingertips ran lazy circles over my sore and very satisfied body. "Your father will want my ass on a platter for breaking the rules."

"He's not the only crazy Immortal who wants your ass." I giggled as I traced his full lips with my finger.

"You?"

"Of course me," I said as I rolled my eyes. "But there is another."

"Care to explain?"

"My grandma likes your ass and told me she wouldn't mind grabbing it."

Hayden closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. "I have no words. None."

"It is a little disconcerting," I agreed as I tried to roll off the bed.

"Wait," he said. He grabbed me by the waist and hauled me on top of him. "We forgot something."

"I'm pretty sure we covered a lot of territory last night." I pressed my lips to his. He ran his large hands down my back and rested them on my ass.

"This is one of my favorite parts," he murmured as he squeezed my booty and then slapped it.

"Ow!" I laughed and tried to escape.

"I promised a spanking and a spanking you shall have," he purred as he lightly smacked my ass again. I ground my hips into his and his eyes went from green to red in a hot second. "You like that?" he asked as he smoothed his hands over my bottom in preparation for another little spank.

"I actually do." I bit on his bottom lip and writhed on his naked body. "Do it again."

"My pleasure… ah, Dixie?"

"Yes?" I asked as I moved down his body and flicked my tongue over his nipple.

"There are four tiny smiling Demons with a large dagger staring at us. You know them?" he asked in a bemused tone.

"Dixie get the spank spank on the bumbum!" Abe yelled joyously as he hopped on the bed and cuddled close. "Can me spank the bumbum too?"

"Nope, that's my bumbum," Hayden told him. He gingerly removed Abe from my left butt cheek.

"Awwwwwwww, that no be nice! " Abe grunted and the rest of the motley crew jumped onto the bed.

"Um guys, this is kind of bad timing," I told them while I yanked a sheet over Hayden and myself. "And is there any particular reason you're wielding a knife?"

"I think we no tell you unless we get to smacky on the bumbum," Ross pouted.

"How about you smacky each other on the bumbum after you explain why you're holding a gnarly looking weapon?" I suggested nicely.

They conferred quite violently and loudly while Hayden and I watched.

"Me say ooooookaaaay!" Beyonce screamed.

"You takey big knife." Rachel instructed. "Put pointy part on hand and make hole! Okiee dokeee?"

"Why should we do that?" Hayden asked the little monsters as he again removed Abe from the vicinity of my rear end.

"To make the bond of the lovers of the bumbum spanky," Abe said logically.

"You want us to bond?" I asked. My eyes shot to Hayden's.

"Yayayayayayayayayay," Rachael sang as she tossed the dagger in the air.

Hayden grabbed the knife mid-air before it dropped and decapitated one of my cousin's babies. That would have sucked.

"You makey bond and we watch and then you do the naked jiggy," Abe informed us.

"And we watch," Ross added solemnly.

"And help," Rachael chimed in.

"And video for YouTube," Beyonce explained as if that would seal the deal.

"Um, no. That doesn't sound like a plan," I said as I picked up the little Demons and walked to my door. "You guys go play and we'll let you know how it turns out."

"Can me touch you bumbum?" Abe asked sweetly.

I glanced over at Hayden who closed his eyes and shrugged. "For one second," I told him. "And then you little dudes have to go bother Myrtle. Okay? She would love for you guys to touch her bumbum."

"Yesssssssssssssss!" They hollered and all took turns quickly touching my bumbum with their tiny little hands.

"Enough," Hayden demanded as he shooed them out the door. "You're done with Dixie's bumbum. You will never touch her bumbum again. Understand?"

"You big silly Angel sex man," Beyonce screeched. "Me touch you bumbum now!" She dove and smacked Hayden's ass with glee. The look on his face was priceless and he chased the little devils from the room while trying not to laugh.

"Are you keeping them?" he asked as he pressed the heel of his hand to his forehead and squeezed his eyes shut.

"No, I am not. They belong to my cousin Astrid and I will give them back when I see her again."

Blowing out a rather large sigh of relief, Hayden carefully examined the knife the baby Demons had gifted us. What the Hell—why did it look so familiar? The handle was encrusted with diamonds. It twinkled and winked at me. My mouth filled with water and my stomach cramped—Grandpa.

"Hayden, I can't bond with that knife," I said, quickly slapping my hand over my mouth just in case I hurled in memory of drinking my grandpa's blood.

"It's ancient. I've never seen anything like it," he said and then noticed my pallor change. "You okay?"

"No, not really. Suffice it to say that dagger brings some icky gastrointestinal memories."

"You want to expound on that?"

"Not right now," I gagged out.

"Got it," he said as he put the knife aside and took me in his arms. "I don't want to be interrupted by ass-grabbing tiny Demons anyway."

Something clicked and I inhaled deeply through the pain. I disengaged myself from Hayden's embrace and walked over to the dagger. Astrid gave me the baby Demons. The baby Demons gave me my grandfather's dagger. Mistakes in life were rare. There was no more time to put life on hold. I held my breath for a brief moment and made my decision. "I love you, Hayden. Bond with me. Now."

I placed the blade of the dagger on my left palm and sliced. Hayden quietly took the jeweled handle from me and cut an identical incision in his own left hand.

"I love you, Dixie and I will honor our bond until we cease to exist and beyond." He took my hand in his and our blood mixed. Sparks flew from both our bodies and we held each other as we collapsed to the floor. Our combined magic swirled around us and the room blazed with a rainbow of blinding light.

"Stay with me," Hayden insisted urgently. "Look into my eyes."

I did.

And in his eyes I saw his pain and joy. I saw horrors and beauty—desires and dreams. So much of his life passed before my eyes it hurt—it was brutal. The man I loved had a duty that was filled with pain and death. I was his light and he was my dark—my perfectly imperfect darkness. He would help me find the Balance. Even with my Demon heritage, I leaned toward the light. Purity of good and evil was a myth… both existed in every living being. My job was to know it, own it and keep it that way.

The magic receded and we both caught our breath. "Is that all?" I whispered hoarsely as I tried to stop trembling.

"Hell, I hope so," he said. He held me firmly to his chest. "I'm so sorry."

"Why?"

"Because of what you had to see," he whispered sadly.

"I'm not. I saw you. I love you. Nothing can change that."

"I do not deserve someone like you," he said quietly and gripped me tighter.

"And I don't deserve someone as wonderful as you, but we were lucky enough to find each other, and according to the blood brother act we just pulled, we get to keep each other."

His laughter lightened my heart and I knew we'd done the right thing at the right time. "Do you think there will be any aftershocks?" I asked.

He was silent for a moment as he considered. "It feels like that was the worst of it."

"You need to go," I told him. "I no longer fear my father's wrath, but I think there was a reason he set the boundaries." I paused and shook my head in confusion. "Is it weird that I feel normal after what we just did?"

"I was thinking the same." He grinned and shrugged. "I'll come back on Friday."

"Oh my Hell, do you wanna be my date at the Angels and Demons dance on Friday?"

"Are you serious?" He chuckled as he slowly pulled on his clothes. "We just tilted the axis of Heaven and Hell with our bonding and you're asking me to a dance?"

"Yep." I grinned and grabbed my own.

"I've never been to a dance before. I accept. What does one wear to an Angel and Demon dance?"

"Jeans," I said as I ran my finger along the jewel encrusted handle of the dagger that had just rocked my world. "I do suspect some will be sporting wings, bustiers, fake blood and dead babies tied to their feet."

"Lovely." Hayden winced and shook his head. "Can I feel you up during a slow dance?"

"Only if you spank my bumbum first," I teased.

His bark of laughter sent shivers of delight through me. "I'm leaving. If I don't, I will spank your bumbum and we won't leave this room until next Friday. This would of course piss off Satan, which I normally enjoy… however he is your father."

"He is," I agreed and laid a big smackeroo on my soul mate's lips. "I love you, my Angel of Death."

"And I you, Balance. I have a present for you," he said as he conjured a book out of the air.

"What's that?"

"The original copy of The Beginning of Time." He grinned at my squeal of joy and placed it in my hands. "It's in a dead language, but it's still strangely beautiful."

I flipped gently through the ancient pages and a feeling of wonder and excitement consumed me. "Can you read it?" I asked.

"No, but it comforts me."

I nodded in understanding and placed it gently next to the dagger. "I'll miss you."

"Come here, beautiful girl."

His kiss held promise, love and our future. I clung to him and breathed him in. After a light tap on the bumbum and a crooked smile that melted my panties, he disappeared in a beautiful swirling mist of black glitter. A little piece of my heart left with him.

Chapter Thirty-Four

The Things had been busy…

"This looks fucking stupid," Myrtle huffed indignantly as we stood in Hell.

"Yep," I agreed as I laughed at the seven foot Satan that the Things had created from papier-mâché, red sequins and black feathers. My father would have a shit fit if he saw it.

"Heaven's no better," Lucy sniffed as she crossed to the other side of the gymnasium and kicked a huge puffy cloud made of toilet paper and cotton balls. Silver and white streamers floated down from the ceiling in Heaven and red and black from Hell. The walls of the Underworld half of the gym had been smeared with fake blood and a sound track of screaming and wailing played ominously in the background. Of course Heaven had an absurd amount of wind chimes hanging from large plastic wings and an industrial fan to make sure they never stopped tinkling.

Lucy was right. Heaven was heinous, but Hell was just as bad. I idly wondered what Hayden would think and giggled. The gash on my hand from our bonding had healed but I still felt the sting keenly. Thankfully the week had flown by. I was on high alert for Rogue Demons and evil in general, but nothing happened. Eve hadn't shown back up, but I didn't really expect her to. Carl and I continued to train and Lucy joined us. Her magic was fierce and her strength was astounding. Carl was besotted after she knocked him out cold for the sixth time. He and Janet were secretly hatching plans to adopt her and take her back to Hell.

"We need Stella," I muttered as I almost tripped over an ugly little red doll with enormous plastic fangs.

"Is that supposed to be a Demon?" Myrtle yelled as she picked up the abomination by an eye tooth. "I have never been so insulted in my life." She dropped the doll and crunched it under her boot.

"Who's Stella?" Lucy asked as she tossed Myrtle another Demon doll.

"My BFF. You'll love her. She creates lightning storms and can change decor in no time flat."

"Is she coming to the dance?" Myrtle asked as she decapitated several offending dolls with the flick of her pinky finger.

"Yep."

"Good, this is a clusterfuck waiting to happen," she muttered disgustedly as she stomped out of the gym, but not before she zapped several more Demons and a few Heavenly chimes.

"Dixie, come here," Lucy said. Her tone was off and her body was stiff. She stared at the floor and her normally rosy complexion had gone pale.

"What?"

"Look," she whispered.

On the wooden floor of the gym, partially obscured by a ridiculous fluffy cloud was a bracelet. A lovely delicate bracelet. Eve's bracelet—the one with the language I couldn't read engraved into the woven bands. A ray of sun shining through the skylight caught it and it glistened.

"That's not a mistake," Lucy said as she squatted down and examined it. "It's her bracelet. She was here."

"Or someone took the bracelet and put it here," I said as I picked it up and held it. The magic that flowed from it was strong and it carried my mother's signature clearly. "Do you feel that?"

"I do." Lucy nodded and ran her fingers over it. "She put it here. I only can scent her. No one else has touched it. Do you think she's dead?"

"No. She'd have to have the Sword of Death, but… " Holy Hell, did Eve steal the Sword of Death? Was she going to kill herself? No. She was too selfish to kill herself. She might be tempted, but it would all be for show.

"But what?"

"She's not dead. We would know. She may win the Asstastic Mother of the Millennium Award, but she's still our blood and we would feel her death."

"You sure about that?" Lucy asked doubtfully.

"Yep. It's a story my father told me as a child—we know when our blood dies. We will feel it. All these years I've lived with the pathetic hope that I would meet her because I never felt her death."

"That certainly turned out to be a disappointment," Lucy snapped.

I turned the bracelet over in my palm and realized the script was the same as the text in The Beginning of Time. This was no mistake, but was it a trap? Was Eve part of my purpose or was she the harbinger of my downfall? I was Balance, but she was the Balance of Chaos. Were we natural enemies? I carefully slipped the bracelet on my arm and a searing shot of pain sliced through my head. I dropped to the floor and curled to a ball. Damn her. Damn her to Hell.

"Oh my God," Lucy screamed. "I don't care if she's a fucking True Immortal. She is so dead. Dixie, don't die. Let me take that thing off of you."

My sister tried in vain to remove the bracelet. The moment I put it on, it became a part of me and it was going nowhere fast.

"I'm okay," I mumbled as I got to my knees and looked at my arm. "What the Hell was that?"

"Oh my God," Thing One screeched from the far side of Heaven. "Do you love it or what?" She barreled into the gym followed by the other chattering Things.

Lucy pulled me to my feet and stood slightly in front of me, effectively covering my throbbing red arm. "I wouldn't say love," Lucy quipped.

"Thank you!" Thing Three gushed, completely missing Lucy's sarcasm. "We worked for a whole hour on the Devil."

"I'm sure he would appreciate that," I muttered.

"You are so funny, Dixie," Thing Two sang as she turned circles in Heaven and giggled up a storm. How Lucy spent any time with these girls was still a mystery to me. From the look on her face it was a mystery to her too.

"Oooookay," Thing One said as she straightened out some tangled wind chimes. "The dance committee has to be here early tomorrow. Six o'clock sharp. We get to help the band set up and they are hotter than sin!" she screamed at decibels meant to attract strays.

Thing Three whipped out her lip gloss and applied it as she doled out the rest of the instructions. "Now you two can't be late. Come in the side door because the front will be locked until eight. Bring your costume so you don't mess it up. I'll bring hairspray and extra faux blood in case anyone needs it."

"I'm bringing vodka and Percocet," Thing Four volunteered. "Is anyone bringing Oreos?"

"I will," Thing Two said. "Ewww, what happened to the Demons?"

They stared in horror at the decapitated and crushed dolls.

"Um… Myrtle didn't feel they look quite right, so she fixed them," I said sincerely.

"I think it's perfect," Lucy said and nudged me.

They paused in confusion for a minute and then began to hop around like bunnies. "Me too," they shrieked in unison.

Help me Satan, they were almost too stupid to live.

"We're skipping class tomorrow to get our hair dyed green," Thing One explained. "So we'll see you two at six!"

"Toodles," they yelled as they exited the gym en masse.

"Green?" I asked.

"Green," Lucy answered.

"Gonna be fun."

Lucy grinned and shrugged. "It won't be boring."

Chapter Thirty-Five

The bracelet enabled me to read The Beginning of Time. I'd spent a good part of the evening before and the entire afternoon trying to piece together the stories. I no longer thought Eve had sabotaged me. I believed in her own pathetic way she was trying to help. Lucy didn't buy it and had tried for hours to remove the bangle from my arm. The book made me feel itchy and antsy.

"Leave it be, Lucy," Janet said. She ruffled Lucy's hair and looked over my shoulder at the book. "What does it say?"

"Even though I can read it, I can't make sense of all the words," I admitted. "But I'm pretty sure there are more True Immortals than the ones we know about. There's a bizarre passage about a child that will encompass all the Immortal traits."

"Are there more True Immortal traits than the ones we already know?" Myrtle asked.

"What in the Hell are True Immortal traits?" Lucy asked as she eyed my bracelet distrustfully.

"God is Good, Satan is Evil, Dixie's grandpa is Wisdom, Mother Nature is Emotion, Angel of Death is Death, Angel of Light is Life, Eve is Temptation, Astrid is Compassion and Dixie is Balance," Myrtle rattled off the list by rote.

"So there are more?" Janet mused.

"I'm not sure. It doesn't say here, or it's just tied up in the language I don't understand."

"Maybe the other True Immortals running around are spare heirs," Lucy said.

"That's freakin' genius!" Myrtle slapped Lucy on the back and she went flying across the room. "Whoops. Sorry."

"You are one strong little skinny girl," Lucy grumbled as she got up.

"I said sorry." Myrtle grinned and flexed her little arms.

Myrtle was such a little shit. I grinned and rolled my eyes.

"I agree," Lucy said.

"With what?"

"That Myrtle's a shit," she replied.

"I didn't say that out loud," I stammered.

"Yes, you did," Lucy insisted.

"No, she didn't. I would have kicked her Demon princess ass if she did," Myrtle informed us. "But now that the cat is out of the bag, I'll kick your ass after the dance. I'd do it now, but I got a manicure and I don't want to mess it up. Plus she still deserves a beating for sending the baby Demons to spank my bumbum." With that she flipped us off and left the room.

"You really heard me?" I asked Lucy.

"I really did."

Was she like Elijah? Was I yelling in my head? Why didn't anyone else hear me? Damn, I was really going to have to watch my thoughts…

"It's five-thirty, you gals need to get a move on," Janet said and handed me my purse.

"I'll see you at eight. I refuse to be around the Things without killing them. For real killing them," Myrtle yelled from down the hall.

"Alrighty then, we'll see you at eight."

* * *

"I can't wait to see Hayden and you'll meet Stella tonight. Who knows? My dad might even show up. Shit, he'll blow an aneurysm when he sees his red sequined likeness," I babbled to Lucy. "Did you bring a costume? Did you know Myrtle is coming dressed as a bear and… " WTF?

We both froze as we entered the gym. We entered cautiously and the heavy door slammed shut behind us. Heaven was still heinous and Hell was still an abomination, but something was wrong—very wrong. The air was thick with malevolent magic and an icy wind whipped through the cavernous room. Shitshitshitshitshit.

"What are the Things’ names?" I asked Lucy frantically.

"Veronica, Velda, Vivian and Varsha."

"Are you fucking serious?"

"They're vultures. What did you expect?"

"Not that," I hissed. "Veronica? Are you guys here?" I called out.

Nothing.

Not good.

No one answered and my body tightened. The need to crawl out of my skin was intense and little sparks lit the tips of my fingers. The spot on my palm that I had sliced with the dagger tingled and burned.

"What's going on?" Lucy whispered.

"I'm not sure, but this isn't your fight. I want you to go." I pushed her toward the door, but she pushed right back.

"Nope. Not going anywhere."

"Lucy, leave," I ground out through clenched teeth.

"Dixie, no," she shot back. Her eyes glowed a brilliant green and a gauzy film of magic like I'd never seen glowed around her.

"Is Steve the only form you shift to?" I asked as I took in the power of the magic she was throwing off.

"Not even close." She snorted and rolled her neck on her shoulders.

"What else do you shift to?" I demanded. Could she hold her own in whatever clusterfuck was about to happen?

"Do you have nightmares?" she asked.

"Yes."

"Think of the most horrific nightmare you've ever had. I'm ten times worse."

"For real?" My grin split my face and I wanted to hug her and smack her.

"For very real." Her grin matched mine and I gave up on making her leave. I knew she wouldn't go anyway.

"Hello Dixie, I see you brought your dog," Cole's voice boomed and bounced off the walls. His eyes were slightly wild and he was armed to the teeth. He wore a long cheesy black cape, black pants and a red ruffled shirt. "So nice of you to come to my party."

What the Hell was Cole doing here and why was he dressed like a Demon from a bad B movie? He muttered and laughed and he walked quickly in circles so his cape flowed behind him. This was bad, but I knew I could take him. He was stupid and arrogant. I was a True Immortal. He could do me damage, but he couldn't kill me. Lucy was another story.

"Didn't realize it was yours," I greeted him politely. "I would have torn up the invite and spit on it if I'd known. I'm guessing this is a family affair—you will let Lucy leave."

"But she's your sister," he sneered. "Family is family, no matter what the breed."

"I already told you, I'm not leaving," Lucy hissed under her breath.

"See?" He laughed. "Your dog likes to heel."

"Shut up, asshole," I snapped.

"I've always said you were a spoiled rotten brat and I can see things haven't changed."

I was right about Cole being a shitbag, but I still didn't understand the game. Lucy stood quietly beside me, but her body was as tense as a coil about to spring.

"Everyone should be arriving soon, so make yourselves comfortable."

"We'll do that," I said nastily.

The door we'd entered through flew open and Demons of the sort I'd never seen entered and spaced themselves around the gym. There had to be at least two hundred. The odds were looking slightly craptastic. Even though the Things were vapid and worthless, I hoped like Hell they would sense the danger in the gym and stay away. There was still two hours before innocent people would arrive. Pus and blood oozed from open sores on the faces and necks of the all male Demon army. Their breathing came out in short bursts and their black teeth protruded over bulbous lips. Rogue Demons were butt-ass ugly—and they looked hungry. Awesome.

I pulled Lucy away from the perimeter and into a clump of trees made out of coat racks and tissue paper. I said a quick prayer to my father that what happened earlier wasn't a fluke…

"Lucy, can you hear me?" Her eyes shot to mine and I closed my eyes for a brief moment in relief. "Cole is my father's second in command. Or he was… He's a powerful Demon and he clearly has delusions of grandeur or a massive death wish. I'm unsure what's going down, but all the stinky asshole wallflowers are Rogue Demons."

Lucy gave me a quick wink.

"You don't want to go at Cole under any circumstances. I'm pretty sure he has some Black Magic and he wears a Hell Fire ring. It could kill you, and if you die today I will hunt your ghost ass down and kill you again. Do you understand me?"

She gave me another wink and a smirk.

I discreetly reached into my purse and smiled. I had told them they couldn't come, but I was delighted they blatantly disobeyed me. I pulled my baby Demon saliva covered hand from my bag and patted it gently. I had no clue if they could eat two hundred Rogue Demons, but the less I had to destroy would leave me more time to deal with Cole.

"So killing me gets you what?" I asked as Cole paced Heaven with an authority and stature that belied his true status.

"Kill you?" He laughed and gave me a condescending glare. "I can't kill you. She would be upset if I did that. You've been granted a reprieve." Thank Hades he thought I was killable. He was unaware of my True Immortal standing.

None of this was adding up. Where was the Sword of Death and was I just supposed to annihilate the room of bad guys? How would that balance anything? The Kev told me to see things clearly and make a balanced decision. All I saw were badly dressed smelly evil dudes. Did they tip the balance?

The waiting was worse than anything I'd ever experienced.

And then it happened.

All at once.

The vultures came crashing through the skylights and landed at Cole's feet. He cooed to them and pet their hairless heads.

"Motherfucker," Lucy muttered. "The Things are bad guys?"

"Looking that way," I replied as I brushed shards of glass from the skylight off of my sister and pulled us farther back to the relative safety of the seven-foot papier-mâché Satan.

The Demons surrounding us wailed and moaned. They rocked back and forth—their teeth clicked and snapped ominously. The sounds and smells made my stomach roil.

"Such good little vultures," Cole purred to the Things. "You brought your daddy the evil ones right on time."

"They're related?" Lucy was flabbergasted.

"Cole's their dad?" I was shocked.

"My children are hungry," Cole bellowed. "Who will make the ultimate sacrifice for me?"

The Demons began to fight each other. Their long claws stabbed through open wounds and the screams were horrific. I felt their shrieks all the way to my toes. They pushed each other forward and fought to go back to the wall. Clearly no one wanted to be dinner.

"You," Cole cried out to a smaller Demon who had landed in a heap on the floor. "You will serve me. Disrobe."

The hideous Demon disrobed reluctantly and his comrades against the walls hissed and laughed maniacally. His muscular body was covered in open wounds and dried flakey blood. My gag reflex rose quickly.

"Oh fuck no," Lucy grunted and turned her head as the Demon laid himself at the clawed feet of the Things.

The sounds were Hellish and the screams from the peanut gallery made the entire show more macabre. The vultures viciously tore into the live body of the Demon as he screamed in agony. Cole clapped his hands with delight and the Vultures ate hungrily. If this was the warmup act the evening was going to be very bad indeed.

The magic in the air of the gym thickened and Cole's eyes widened in excitement. His pacing became erratic and his cape blew around him making him look like he was ready for takeoff. "She's here," he announced loudly over the roar of the Demons and the shrill keening of the vultures.

The crash through the ceiling and the explosion of glass, wood and metal made me hope for a short moment that Mother Nature was making a violent entrance, but that would have been too easy. I didn't need my grandma. I didn't need to be saved—I simply needed to figure out what the Hell was going on. A Dragon the size of an SUV barreled down from the sky holding a beaten, bloody and barely breathing Eve in her sharp talons. She wasn't dead. It would take far more than a beating to kill Temptation. The Demons danced wildly and the vultures in their ecstasy coughed up chunks of bloody Demon. The bile rose in my throat and I realized that half the battle would be to keep from vomiting.

"You're late," Cole shouted as he ran to my mother's crumpled body and pulled her from Rhonda's claws. He ran his hands possessively over her in such a sexual way I had to turn my head. Could no one deny temptation?

"Silence," Rhonda the Dragon roared so loudly I winced in pain. I yanked Lucy behind a cardboard boulder and watched the disaster unfold. Before I could act I needed to be sure. More plaster and metal fell from the ceiling, impaling and beheading several Demons. "I said silence," she screeched. The walls trembled and the floor shook, but she accomplished her goal. The room went quiet.

"You hurt her," Cole accused as he ran his open mouth down my mother's neck.

"I'll hurt you if you don't shut up. Where are they?" she demanded. She stomped around Heaven and crushed two Things to death beneath her massive feet. Cole barely noticed his feathered children had died as he was too engrossed with my mother.

"Soon. Amanda is luring him. Where is the Sword?"

Amanda, my father's consort, was luring who? Was she luring my father here? Were they planning on killing my father in front of me?

"She has the Sword," Rhonda snapped. My mother did have the Sword. It was strapped to her back. Had Mr. Rogers caved to temptation too? "Where's God?" Rhonda's beady eyes swept the room.-

"Won't be coming," Cole said as he backed away from the furious fire-breathing Dragon.

"Can you not get anything right?" she hissed as an explosion of flames burst from her nose and destroyed a clump of Demons cowering in the corner. "I have spent a year weakening and brainwashing the bitch to make her steal the Sword and neglect her job and you can't do the simple things I asked?"

"We don't need him. We'll have Satan. When he sees Eve he will break. He has loved her for millions of years. He lives for the day she will come to him and stay," he rasped as he cupped my mother's breast in his hand. "We all do… She will do as told or we will kill her daughters in front of her."

Well now I knew why we were here. Lucy gripped my arm and growled.

"You think that will work?" Rhonda asked so quietly my hair stood on end. "We needed them to fight over her to destroy each other. We need a heart to break so the Sword of Death will work. This is a folly you've created." She stomped her foot and took out the other two Things.

"It will work," he said as he gazed at my mother with such longing I felt ill. Was she such a temptation to all that she could end the world? Did balance mean the end of my mother?

"Her denial of him will break him?" she demanded as she advanced on Cole.

"Yes, and the lives of her spawn will guarantee her compliance. All we need is a mere second of heartbreak and the Sword of Death and Satan's life is vanquished. Forever."

They were correct. It was so simple and so very wrong. If Eve was sprung on my father and her denial of him hurt badly enough—even for a moment, it could be over. His momentary wish for death and a broken heart would be all the opening they would need.

"Are we just gonna hide behind a rock or are we gonna kick some ass?" Lucy asked with disgust.

"Just needed a minute to figure out who had to bite it," I snapped.

"Who did you decide on?"

"Pretty much all of them."

Lucy's grin was evil and I bit back the most inappropriate laugh that had almost ever left my body. I bit down hard and a thin stream of blood dribbled down my lip.

"Lick my chin," I told Lucy. "Now."

"What the… is that some kind of Demon lesbian thingie? I like guys," she stammered.

"My blood," I hissed. "Take some of my blood. It will make you stronger. Just do it." I yanked her mouth to mine and she licked the blood from my lips and chin. "You might have a quick seizure, but go with it."

She nodded and gulped. "Go kill those bastards," she choked out as her body convulsed.

No such thing as pure good and pure evil. I was both and I would own it. My power rose rapidly and with a great deal of pain. Sparks flew from my fingers and Lucy rolled away. The roar in my ears was like an ocean during a hurricane and I vaguely heard Rhonda ask about my and Lucy's whereabouts. My skin grew hot and my palm burned. I would spare my mother, but the rest had to go.

"I'm here," I said as I walked forward toward the abomination that wanted to rule the world. Cole was simply a minion—a weak worthless piece of shit that had helped to tip the scales. His obsession with my mother had been used wisely. Rhonda was the brains. Rhonda had to go.

My feet barely touched the floor as I advanced and the bracelet on my arm heated just as the scar on my palm added to the pain ricocheting through me. Instead of debilitating me, I let the pain empower me. The good inside me warred with the evil, but I controlled it. Neither would ever control me.

"Why, what have we here? A little baby Immortal with some mommy issues?" She bared her long sharp teeth and spit a stream of fire at me.

Lifting my left hand, I caught the fire and threw it back at her. The look of horror on her face was gorgeous as her own fire singed off a good portion of her shoulder.

"No," she screamed as she doubled forward and grasped her arm. As quickly as the shoulder disappeared, it grew back and her fury increased tenfold. "Get her and the other one," she bellowed so loudly several girders fell from above.

My mother's shout of agony rang in my ears, but her need and weakness would not tempt me ever again. I focused on my prey and all Hell broke loose.

It felt like slow motion. The Demons sprang from the walls and the Dragon increased in size. I heard the delighted squeals of the baby Demons as they went to work on the meal of the century. The groaning and cursing mixed with the wet sounds of bodies being torn apart didn't even bother me. The Dragon’s claws were sharp as they tore into my skin, but the sense of calm inside me enabled me to take each blow as I dealt my own.

My hair whipped wildly around my head. I flicked my fingers and a vicious wind blew up. I laughed as Demons flew through the air into a pile for the babies. The fear in the Dragon made her fight erratically. I stilled my body and let her think for a brief second she could win. Arrogance created carelessness and I was not arrogant.

"No one shall defeat me." She came at me with hatred and desperation. I shifted slightly and her body weight took her forward into a wall. The sound of a Dragon taking down steel beams with her head was delightful, but I wasn't done.

"I'm not no one," I roared and let my body relax. "I am Balance."

From the core of my being I pulled up a magic so strong I felt sick. I raised my hands above my head and I chanted. Never before had I understood what I was saying, but now I did. My mother had left her bracelet for me on purpose. No matter how she had fucked up, she clearly felt remorse. She could not take back what she had done, but she could give me the tools to put an end to it.

My voice was strong and the storm in the room kicked up to tornado level. The wind on my skin was cleansing and healing. I smiled at the chaos around me and I spoke with my eyes and heart wide open.

"Without balance there is no peace.

Without peace there is no reason.

Without reason there is no purpose.

Good and evil shall exist, but never in its purest form.

There are no true absolutes.

Absolutes must be abolished.

And I shall, for I am Balance."

The explosions that flew from my fingertips were targeted and deadly. The Demons burst into flames and fell to dust on the ground, but the Dragon… the Dragon's demise was something much more fitting.

Her screams of madness were the things of which nightmares are made, but I felt no mercy—no regret. Rhonda detonated and fireworks erupted from every orifice. Her body shattered into millions of shiny fragments and embedded themselves in the walls of both Heaven and Hell. I had blown her to Kingdom Come and she was never coming back.

Chapter Thirty-Six

"Impressive," Cole snarled.

I had dropped to the ground in exhaustion. How in the Hell had I missed Cole? The sound of his voice was an unwelcome intrusion. I glanced up and froze. He had Lucy in a chokehold. Her face was bleeding and I recognized the mark. He had ripped her cheek open with his Hell Fire ring. How was she still alive? Were shifters immune to Demon magic?

Her face was bad but the Sword of Death pointed at her heart was far worse—a simple prick of the Sword was all it would take to kill a regular Immortal. Our mother lay in a clump at Cole's feet and wept. For herself? For Lucy? For me? Who knew…

"You are a surprise," Cole purred. "Didn't see that one coming, but no matter. My plan will still work."

"Let her go. Take me."

His laugh grated on my ears and I ground my teeth together to keep from saying something that could hasten my sister's death. "Do you think I'm stupid?" he barked and it took all I had not to answer. "You're unkillable. The mutt is not. I need insurance that your beautiful mommy will do as she has been told. I'm actually glad you killed the Dragon—now Amanda and I will rule Hell ourselves."

"Even if you destroy my father there are quite a few people in line for the throne, Cole."

"Yes, but none of them carry the son of Satan," he informed me haughtily.

"You think that child is his?"

"I know the child is not his, but once he's gone there will be no way to prove it. He has told all in Hell that Amanda carries his son. His son is the rightful heir and his son shall rule with me at his side."

He wasn't as stupid as I thought, but Lucy was.

The Black Magic that I'd given her had made her bold and I cried out as she made her move. Before my eyes a horror worse than anything I could have imagined unfolded. It happened so quickly I was helpless. She twisted out of Cole's deadly embrace and shifted into a monster so large and frightening she made the Hell Hounds look cute. She went for his head, but Cole was too fast. He plunged the Sword of Death through her neck and she collapsed next to our mother at his feet as blood spurted profusely from her neck. He had killed my sister.

The red of her blood mixed with the hatred in my soul and came out in a scream that ripped my throat raw. My palm burned and my head felt like it would fall from my body. A searing shot of pain flared up through my back and my skin separated. The agony was intense and I shot forward to the ground. The only thing that kept me conscious were the gasps and muttered curses from the Demon who'd taken the life of my sister.

Glancing up I saw the terror in his eyes as he backed away and stumbled over Lucy's dead body. Had my father shown up? Why was he so terrified? I struggled to my feet. My body felt much heavier than it had a moment ago. With a quick look back to see what had made Cole feel the need to run, I gasped.

No one had arrived, but something had. I had another gift. A beautiful new savage gift. Wings had erupted from my back. My left wing was golden and shot red fire and my right wing was black. Gold and sliver flames blazed from the black wing. I laughed. I was good and evil. I was life and death. I was Balance. I bore the mark of Angels and my dream of flight was no longer a dream—it was real. And it was Cole's turn to die.

I whooshed up into the air and flew at him like a bullet from Hell. His shrieks and cries would never bring my sister back, but he would not rule Hell and he would never lay a finger on my mother or father again.

He writhed and howled in pain as the fire from both of my wings sent wave after wave of acid poison into his traitorous body. I watched his bones pop and his skin tear from his body dispassionately. The pain he felt as his life force left him matched the pain in my heart of seeing him kill my sister.

It was over too fast. But it was done. He was broken and burned, but still identifiable. I wondered how long it would take him to turn to dust.

"Dixie." My mother sounded small and pathetic. I wasn't even tempted.

"Don't speak to me right now. I can't listen to your voice."

Her whimper didn't move me. Nothing could move me right now. I sat next to Lucy as her body shifted back to human and I gently closed her beautiful eyelids over her unseeing eyes. And then I cried.

Chapter Thirty-Seven

"What in the name of my homeland am I looking at? And where in the Hell am I?" my father bellowed as he examined the seven foot sequined and feathered statue of himself. "If this is supposed to be me, there will be some asses frying in the Basement tonight."

Through my tears I saw my father and Amanda. The next to arrive was Hayden, followed by Stella, then Elijah. Myrtle, Carl and Janet appeared in a puff of glitter and everyone looked terribly confused.

"What the fuck?" Myrtle gasped and took in the carnage.

"This is certainly one Hell of a decorating job," Stella muttered as she kicked a pile of dust that used to be a Demon.

"Dad," I whispered. My voice was still raw from screaming, but he heard me and so did Hayden.

"Dixie." Hayden ran for me and stopped short when he really saw me. "You have wings," he whispered reverently and knelt down to take me in his arms. I wrapped my arms around him and let my tears fall freely.

"I see your power finally came in," my father said sardonically as he gently ran his hands through my wings. "You seem to have had some fu… " His speech halted when his eyes found Eve. He stood mesmerized and then slowly approached her. "You. Why are you here?" He struggled with the words and I knew without a doubt that Cole had been correct. Satan loved Eve. I had never seen my father at a loss for anything—until now.

"I have failed, Lucifer. Don't look at me," she sobbed and curled into a ball on the hard floor.

"What have you done?" he asked in an awestruck voice I'd never heard.

"Who is she?" Amanda demanded as she sidled up to my father and grasped his arm in possession. Her eyes shot around the room as she tried to ascertain what had happened. Her quick shocked intake of breath was not lost on me as she spotted Cole's dead carcass. Her brain clearly worked fast and she developed another plan.

"I am nothing," Eve choked out. "Nothing."

"That's right—you're nothing," Amanda hissed. "I carry the son of Satan in my body. I will be his queen."

"About that," Satan said silkily as he removed Amanda's claws from his arm. "You'll be nothing of the sort. You'll be lucky if you live through the night."

"What do you mean?" Her voice was shrill and her eyes blinked rapidly. "I carry your child."

"You carry a child. Not my child. Do you take me for a fool?" Satan bellowed and more of the ceiling caved in.

"Look at me." She whimpered and clutched her stomach. "I am round with our baby boy."

My Father stood as still as a statue. His words were clipped and shards of ice dripped from each syllable. "I have lived for millions of years and I have eight children. Only eight children. I am very aware when I impregnate someone and I did not put my seed in you."

"But I don't understand," she blubbered as she dropped to her knees before my Father.

"Oh, but I think you do. I keep my friends close, but my enemies far closer… Amanda."

He raised his hands above Amanda. I knew what he was going to do, but it was wrong.

"Stop," I said harshly. "You will not destroy her."

The shock on my father's face would have been comical if the situation wasn't so dire. "What did you say?"

"I said do not kill her."

"You think she is innocent?" he hissed.

"No, I don't." I got to my feet and stood toe to toe with Satan. "She is guilty, but the child is not. Give her reprieve until the baby is born and then do with her what you will… or give her to me and I will destroy her, but not while she carries an innocent life."

My father stared at me with surprise and wonder. He lifted my chin and kissed my forehead. "As you wish, Balance. As you wish."

Amanda began to crawl from the room, but Elijah froze her with a flick of his hand. Satan gave him a brief nod of approval and let his gaze wander back to the woman that had been the downfall of so many.

"Motherhumpinshitballsonfire," Mother Nature shrieked as she fell from the sky with my grandpa on her back. "Can't I ever get a fucking break? Bill and I were testing out my new spinning sex swing and I catch wind that the Apocalypse is looming." They landed with a thud and Grandpa rolled across the room.

"Dixie has it covered," Satan said with pride as he righted his father and hugged his mother.

"Well, of course she does," Gigi snapped. "She's smarter than the lot of us."

Hayden stepped close and I leaned into his warm comfort. Right now I could care less if I was smarter than anyone. I just wanted a bath—and to take my sister's body to a safe place.

"It was Cole and a horrid Dragon named Rhonda. They planned to use your love for Eve against you and take your life."

My father was silent, but my grandmother was not. "Where is that worthless assbag?" she demanded. "I have had it up to my ears with this bullshit nonsense."

"Mother," Satan warned.

"Enough," she spat. "Enough of you." She slowly turned and faced my mother. "What do you have to say for yourself, Eve?"

"I don't know," Eve replied.

"That's what I thought." Gigi shook her head in disgust. "You are done. Your duties have been revoked. You are weak and selfish and you have been since you bit the damned apple."

"But the balance," I said as I took my grandma's hand in mine. "Temptation is part of what balances us."

"Who said I was eliminating balance? I'm simply taking it away from Eve."

"And what True Immortal will you put in her place?" Elijah demanded, speaking up for the first time. He kept a healthy distance from Hayden, but his question was pertinent.

"Why, her daughter, of course," Mother Nature replied as if we were all idiots.

"Her daughter is Balance," my father said angrily. "You shall not condemn Dixie to holding more than one trait."

Hayden stiffened beside me. He liked the idea no more than my father. Quite honestly I didn't like it either.

"Not Dixie, you assknuckle. Lucy. Lucy is Eve's daughter too. She is the logical and only choice."

"She's dead," I said. "Cole killed her. I saw it. He used the Sword of Death." My knees buckled and Hayden caught me before I fell.

"For God's sake! Sorry, son," she shouted to the Heavens. "Lucy's not dead. And where the Hell is God? Is he too good for every family meeting?" she yelled as she stomped over to Lucy's lifeless body. "Wake up, child," she said lovingly. "It's time to get up."

Suddenly the realization that I hadn't felt Lucy's death left me breathless. Lucy hadn't died. I would have known. The Beginning of Time was correct. There were True Immortals floating in our midst and Lucy was going to become the product of her own genius—she was the spare heir. She would become Temptation.

"She was stabbed with the Sword of Death," Elijah said loudly. "The Sword of Death kills True Immortals."

"For the love of my big bosom, it has to be a three part finale," Mother Nature shrieked and stamped her foot. Vines and trees erupted out of the cement and brightly colored parrots flew through the fractured ceiling. Gigi was getting pissed. "Lucy did not have a broken heart, she did not want to die and she was stabbed in the neck from the looks of it. Not the heart."

"Sorry—my mistake," Elijah muttered and jumped out of the way of a massive tree that exploded through the ground where he was standing.

"At least this one isn't weak," Gigi said as Lucy slowly came to. "She won't cave to anyone and she will do her duty as it should have been done in the first place. The reason Eve failed is that she took the easy way out and only dealt with the sexual side of temptation. Temptation in its truest sense embodies much more than sex." She aimed her derisive words straight at Eve.

"Give me the Sword of Death," my mother cried. "I will end myself so all of you can have your happily ever after."

"Oh no, dearie. That would be far too light of a punishment for you. You shall not forfeit your life. You will live for eternity to make amends for your transgressions."

My mother slumped forward, dropped her head to her hands and silently wept. There was good in her, but it had been eclipsed or her will had been bent by evil. She wasn't fit to lead, but Gigi was right not to let her die. A large part of me wanted her to get well and become who she had been a long time ago. I wanted to know the woman who rocked back and forth on the floor. I wanted to earn her real love and I wanted her to earn mine.

"I'll take her to Hell," my father said.

"No, you won't," Grandpa informed him. "She is your weakness. She will go with Mother Nature. Someday she might go free, but until then she will be dealt with by one who is not tempted by her."

"Why are all you people staring at me?" Lucy demanded as she stood shakily and took in all the unfamiliar faces. "Who in the Hell are all you people?"

"That's no way to talk to your step-Gigi," Mother Nature admonished a shocked Lucy. "Your mother has fallen down on the job, so you get to be Temptation."

"But… " Lucy stammered.

"Don't thank me now. The job's a bitch, but you can handle it. Just remember that sex is fun, but temptation has many faces."

"But… " Lucy choked out.

"I know. I know. You'd rather be emotion or death or something more stable, but you get what you get and you like it. You are a True Immortal, Lucy. I've known for ages, but until you are called to serve you cannot be privy to the gift. The expense account is divine and the family dinners would be wonderful if all the bastards would show up." She cast an evil eye to my father who ran his hands through his hair and looked at the sky. "So darling, what do you say?"

"Do I have a choice in the matter?" Lucy asked, still dazed by the motherlode of info that she'd just been presented with.

"No, you don't. In the same way I have no choice about being beautiful," she said.

"And insane," Satan muttered.

"I heard that, you little shit," she snapped at my father and then turned her attention back to Lucy. "We all have a choice, child. You are Temptation whether you want to be or not. The choice is if you will step up to the plate and do the job. Sink or swim, baby."

"I'll swim. I always swim," she replied.

"Good! I'm outta here," Gigi said. "Bill, are you with me?"

"Always, my love. I'm always with you," Grandpa said as he gave me a quick kiss and hug.

Mother Nature grabbed Eve with one hand and Grandpa with the other. "Later," she shouted as they disappeared in a blast of iridescent glitter.

"Um, I think people are arriving for the dance," Stella said as my classmates slowly wandered into the gym.

"Oh my God," a girl dressed in a white tube top, mini, thigh high boot and wings squealed. "The decorations rock!"

My father magically disposed of Cole's body and sent Amanda to some padded cell in Hell before they were noticed. He took me in his arms and held me tight. "You might want to retract those wings," he told me. "They're kind of conspicuous."

I quickly pulled them toward me and they disappeared into my back. "Thanks, Dad."

"No problem. Will you come back to Hell?" he asked.

I glanced over at Hayden and I grinned. "Yes, we will be coming back to Hell very soon."

"He's part of the package now?" Satan asked as he gave my Angel of Death the evil eye.

"Yep. He's definitely part of the package."

My father sighed dramatically. "Fine. I suppose it could have been worse."

He disappeared in a cloud of black glitter and the crowd of co-eds clapped wildly. They thought he was a magician… if they only knew.

Elijah walked right up to Lucy and stared. "Would you like to dance?"

"My eyes are up here, douchebag," she said as he tore his gaze from her chest.

"Sorry," he muttered.

"You'd better be. I'll dance with you, but if you try any funny business I will knee your balls into your mouth."

"Duly noted." He grinned as he held his hand out to her.

"There's a match made in Heaven," Hayden said dryly as he pulled me onto the dance floor that had recently been a bloody scene of destruction.

I glanced around the room and smiled. Carl was waltzing with Janet. Myrtle was making out with Timmy by the broom closet. The baby Demons were at the snack table beating the Hell out of each other, much to the dismay of several faculty members who were at the dance. Stella had about ten young men vying for her attention and Lucy warily danced with Elijah. I laid my head on Hayden's chest and sighed.

"Can I feel you up?" Hayden asked with a glint in his eye. "It's a slow song."

"You have to spank my bumbum first." I giggled and snuggled closer.

"That could be arranged," his whispered in my ear as he lightly tapped my butt followed by a semi discreet body massage that should have taken place in private.

"I love you, my Angel," I told him.

"I love you too. Are you having fun?" he asked as he kissed me.

"Yep, but I want to go."

"Home?"

"Eventually, but I want to do something first."

"Can I guess?" he asked as he led me to the exit.

"Go ahead," I challenged.

"You want to fly."

I grinned and nodded. He led me out into the crisp cool evening and with a running start we launched ourselves into the night.

It was magical.

It was perfect.

And it was just the beginning.

Epilogue

Three weeks later…

"Let me tell you something, Vampyre," Astrid hissed between her screams of labor. "If you ever pull out your penis again in this lifetime I will remove it with a dull butter knife."

"That will be fine," Ethan muttered. "Now breathe through the pain."

"Come over here," she grunted. "I'll show you how to breathe through my fist."

All the men in the sitting area outside of Astrid and Ethan's suite winced in solidarity. The Vampyre compound had been restored by Mother Nature as a gift for the arrival of the baby. Plus Ethan had threatened her with baby visitation rights. Now that the danger had passed, everyone had come home.

The ornate sitting room was filled with those who loved Astrid and Ethan. The Kev and Gemma sat close to each other and held hands. Pam, Astrid's strikingly beautiful and foul-mouthed Guardian Angel, and her mate, Ethan's father, paced the room with excitement. Satan and Sloth sat in a corner and quietly played cards. Astrid's cousins, Heathcliff and Cathy, along with their father smiled at everyone as they passed around refreshments. Mother Nature held court with the baby Demons as Grandpa looked on approvingly. Janet and Myrtle were folding a pile of onesies they had brought and Carl was bejeweling a tiny baseball cap. I sat on Hayden's lap as he traced little circles on my back and we waited.

And waited.

And waited.

"This baby is not coming out," Astrid ground out. "I will be pregnant for a thousand years." Her breath came out in spurts and she cried out when it became too much.

"Oh my God," Gemma said. "Does it always hurt like that?" Her face was ashen and she clung tightly to The Kev.

"I just squatted in a field and they fell out," Pam informed the room.

Her announcement was greeted with appalled silence.

"Everybody in here. NOW," Astrid demanded. "If I have to go through this, you do too."

The men held back, but the women rushed forward.

"Guys, come up here by my head," she instructed as she stiffened and groaned. "I have no problem with nudity, but I'm fairly sure Ethan will lose it if everyone gets a peek at my hooha. Ladies, I don't care where you stand, but watch out. If he ever comes out, he's liable to eat all of us."

"Get your shit together, asshead," Pam said as she lovingly pushed Astrid's hair from her face. "You ain’t the only woman in the world to blow out a baby."

"Yeah? How many women do you know that blow out eight-headed babies?" she grunted and tried to punch Pam in the nose.

"I thought it was six heads," Mother Nature added unhelpfully.

"It's twelve," Gemma chimed in, and then ducked as a vase of roses came flying at her.

"It's ten heads," Astrid snapped, and then screeched in agony.

"Darling niece," Satan said calmly as he approached the bed. "You can take down armies. I don't really see the problem here."

All the women in the room gasped and went for cover.

"He does have a point," Grandpa backed up his son. "Pam said she squatted in a field and dropped it right out."

"Should we take her outside to a field?" Ethan's father inquired politely. "Maybe if she stood up and jogged around a bit it would fall out."

"Outstanding point," The Kev agreed.

"Get out." Astrid's voice was murderous. "If you don't leave right now I will magic a fifteen-headed baby into the stomachs of all the penis-owning bastards in this room."

I'd never seen men move so quickly in my life.

"Not you, Ethan," she hissed at her mate as he tried to make his escape on the tail end of the exodus. "You will experience every joyous moment with me."

"Of course," he mumbled as he slunk back in the room.

"He's coming," she wailed as her grip on the bedpost snapped it in half.

We gathered around my cousin as she pushed with all her might.

And he came.

"Sweet baby Moses in a mesh tracksuit," Pam squealed as she took the baby and cleaned him. Ethan cut the cord and Pam placed the screaming child in his hands. His look of astonishment and joy brought tears to my eyes.

"What?" Astrid asked. "What's wrong with him?"

"Nothing," I said as I gazed at the small perfect bundle in his father's trembling arms.

"How many heads?" she demanded.

"One head, my love. One beautiful head," Ethan whispered reverently as he gave the little baby boy to her.

Astrid was silent for once as she gazed at her child. Her lips quivered and her magic swirled through the room. "He's ours?" She spoke in a voice so soft I barely heard her.

"He's ours," Ethan replied as he sat on the bed next to his mate and child.

"He has one head," she murmured as she traced the tiny lips, toes and fingers of her child.

"That doesn't mean he won't sprout a few more in the next couple of days." Pam snorted as she kissed Astrid and then the baby. "Put that little son of a bitch on your boob. He's gonna be hungry," she instructed.

"Vampyre-Demons can nurse?" Astrid asked, surprised.

"No clue, dumbass. Try it and see," Pam said.

Vampyre-Demons could nurse. The baby suckled with delight from his mother and Ethan watched rapt with a dreamy expression on his handsome face. He stroked the back of his child's head as the boy drank from his mother.

"What shall we call him?" he asked.

Astrid looked down at the baby and sighed happily. "Samuel. We will call him Samuel."

Samuel stopped drinking for a brief moment at the sound of his name, looked up and smiled a gummy baby smile.

"Did that just happen?" Myrtle asked, shocked.

"Yes, it did," Mother Nature said knowingly. "This is no normal child. Samuel will… "

"Stop," Astrid cut her off. "I don't want to know. Right now I have a perfect one-headed baby boy and I love him more than I thought possible. I can feel he is special and different, but I just want to hold him and be with him. I don't want to know his future… yet."

"Come on, let's leave them alone," Gemma said as she ushered us out.

The last thing I saw as I left the room was the passionate and loving kiss Ethan gave Astrid and two tiny little hands resting on the chins of his parents.

Hayden's arms were open and I ran into them. "Is that something you would like to do?" he asked as he pressed his lips to my hair.

I paused and considered. "Yes, but not yet."

"Should we go practice until we're ready?" His smirk made me tingle.

I giggled and took his precious face between my hands, then whispered in his ear. "I think that is a very good idea… a very good idea indeed."

# # THE END (for now) # #

Note From The Author

If you enjoyed reading The Hot Damned Collection, please consider leaving a positive review or rating on the site where you purchased it. Reader reviews help my books continue to be valued by resellers and help new readers make decisions about reading them.

You are the reason I write these stories and I sincerely appreciate each of you!

Many thanks for your support,

~ Robyn Peterman

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Excerpt from: It’s A Wonderful Midlife Crisis

This is an excerpt from Book 1 of the Good To The Last Death Series!

GET YOUR COPY HERE.

Book Description

Whoever said life begins at forty must have been heavily medicated, drunk, or delusional.

Thirty-nine was a fantastic year. I was married to the man I loved. I had a body that worked without creaking. My grandma, who raised me, was still healthy, and life was pretty damned good.

But as they say, all good things come to an end. I’d honestly love to know who ‘they’ are and rip them a new one.

One year later, I’m a widow. My joints are starting to ache. Gram is in the nursing home, and dead people think my home is some kind of supernatural bed and breakfast. Gluing body parts onto semi-transparent people has become a side job—deceased people I’m not even sure are actually there. I think they need my help, but since I don’t speak dead, we’re having a few issues.

To add to the heap of trouble, there’s a new dangerously smokin’ hot lawyer at the firm who won't stop giving me the eye. My BFF is thrilled with her new frozen face, thanks to her plastic surgeon, her alimony check, and the miracle of Botox. And then there’s the little conundrum that I’m becoming way too attached to my ghostly squatters… Like Cher, I'd like to turn back time. Now.

No can do.

Whatever. I have wine, good friends, and an industrial sized box of superglue. What could possibly go wrong?

Everything, apparently.

All in all, it’s shaping up to be a wonderful midlife crisis…

Chapter One

“No. Way. Are you freaking serious?” I screamed as I flattened myself against the wall of my laundry room with a thud, trying not to hyperventilate. “There’s a hand in the laundry basket. There’s a hand in the laundry basket. There’s a hand in the damn laundry basket.”

Sliding carefully along the wall so the unattached appendage didn’t jump out and grab me, I eased my way out of the tiny room and sprinted to the kitchen. It had a door that led outside, just in case the hand was up to no good.

Wait. What kind of good could a lone hand in a basket of dirty laundry be up to?

No good. That’s what kind of good a companionless hand could be up to.

“I’m nuts,” I muttered, closing my eyes and pressing my fingers to my temples. Forty was supposed to be the new thirty, according to all the magazines. If this was forty, I was going to take a pass. I’d only been forty for three hours and it was already seriously bad. The solitary hand was the rancid icing on top of a really crappy birthday cake.

Pacing my kitchen and keeping my eyes peeled for more random body parts, I spotted the empty coffee container and almost cried. Handling the ridiculously absurd while un-caffeinated was not going to end well.

“I don’t have the energy for this right now,” I told no one in particular, since I was alone. “Who did I screw over in a former life that I’m dealing with this shit?”

Unfortunately, I’d been seeing semi-corporeal versions of dead people for a few weeks. I’d become the kid from the Sixth Sense except that was a movie and this was real life… and my dead people did not look like Bruce Willis.

Up until now, all my deceased buddies had done was stare and laugh—or so I’d thought. There was nothing quite like being the butt of a cadaver’s joke… that was, if the hand was a joke and not a warning that I was going to be six feet under soon.

“Isn’t it enough that you freaks follow me around? Now you’re leaving body parts in my dirty clothes? For God’s sake, today’s my birthday and this behavior is totally unacceptable. I almost puked. And let me tell you something,” I bellowed to the empty kitchen. “If I’d thrown up because one of you idiots thought it would be hilarious to put a hand in with my dirty panties, you’d be cleaning that mess up. Are we clear here?”

Of course, there was no answer. There was never an answer. They didn’t speak—just silently accompanied me to the grocery store and around my house. They were very partial to reality shows. I’d started leaving the television on all night so they didn’t wander into my bedroom while I slept. Thankfully they hadn’t discovered where I worked yet. However, I had no doubt that was coming soon.

“Come on, you guys. It wasn’t funny.” Maybe reasoning with them would work. Hell, I didn’t know if they were real or if I was imagining them. There was a fifty-fifty chance I’d lost my mind. “I think I’ve been pretty nice about letting you stay here rent-free. I don’t deserve to be given a heart attack at seven in the morning.”

Again, no answer.

Again, maybe I was nuts.

Was there even a hand in my laundry basket? Maybe it was a fleshy, skin-colored winter glove. Since it was October and I lived in Georgia it was doubtful. Not to mention, I didn’t own any fleshy, skin-colored winter gloves. I had a little more fashion sense than that. Until I had my iced coffee with an extra-large squirt of chocolate syrup, I wasn’t going to test the theory.

Pleasant. I’d be pleasant. A nice conversational tone might prevent another gag-inducing prank… or not. “Okay, I’m going to eat and leave the house. Whoever left their hand in the laundry room needs to remove it before I get home or I’m going to…”

What the heck was I going to do with a disembodied hand? Should I put it in the freezer? Should I bury it? Damn it, if I buried it, did I have to do it at the cemetery on hallowed ground instead of my yard? It would suck up, down and sideways if it popped out of the ground during a backyard barbecue. What if I got busted at the graveyard for burying a hand and had to do time in the big house? God, the heinous consequences were endless.

Terrified to open my cabinets, I debated how hungry I was. Breakfast was the most important meal of the day, but if there were eyeballs next to my oatmeal, I’d have to check myself into the loony bin.

From out of nowhere, a partially translucent woman tore around my kitchen, wailing in like a banshee—and ironically, she was missing a hand. Had the weirdos been trying to kill each other? Wait. That made no sense whatsoever. They were already dead. The varying states of decay were a dead giveaway—pun intended.

“You have got to be kidding me,” I shrieked as I scrambled up onto the kitchen table in fear for my life.

Could I make it out the door and into my yard? Crap, I was still in my nightie and it was chilly today. Furthermore, what in the hell was I going to do outside? Call for help to get the handless dead woman out of my kitchen? Not too many choices here.

“Stop,” I shouted in the voice I’d learned to use during my self-defense class at the Y.

She did.

Now what?

The woman was trembling from head to toe. Where her hand should have been was just shredded skin—if you could call grayish papery-looking stuff skin. No blood at all. If she was alive in the normal sense of the word, I’d guess her age to be somewhere in her late sixties. She was attractive in a ghostly way.

“Did you, umm… lose your hand? I asked, not quite believing I was conversing with someone I was fairly certain wasn’t there.

She simply stared and cocked her head to the side.

“Maybe you don’t speak English. Or maybe you were brain dead when you died so it isn’t functioning now that you’re not exactly alive. Or maybe you were mute in life… or maybe I’m insane,” I added for good measure as I cautiously got down off the table.

She came a little closer, and I jerked back. The rules were wildly unclear.

“Stay where you are,” I warned, holding up my hand and hoping she understood sign language. “If you promise not to body snatch me or eat me, I think I can help you out.”

Still she said nothing as I carefully made my way to the laundry room to retrieve what I assumed was her hand.

“I’m using a bath towel that’s seen better days in case you’re a disease-carrying zombie.” Never in my life did I think I would utter those words in a sentence. “So, I’ll toss it to you in a sec.”

Surprisingly, my gag reflex didn’t kick in. Dead stuff usually set it off. However, she seemed so upset about her hand, I was okay. Strange. I approached her with extreme caution. I held out her hand, and she held out her stump.

Oh. Hell. No.

Did she want me to reattach it? How did you reattach something to what was little more than a ghost? Her hand felt real, and she looked real enough, even though I could see through parts of her.

“Here you go,” I said as I tried again to give her the towel-wrapped body part.

She wasn’t having it. She simply stood there with her arm extended and waited.

“I’m not a doctor. Not real sure what you want me to do.”

Her eyes were huge in the hollowed-out sockets—watery blue and filled with what I guessed were tears. I was tempted to take her in my arms and hug her, but I still wasn’t positive she wouldn’t take a chunk out of me.

“I suppose I could glue it back on,” I suggested hesitantly. I knew there was some superglue in the junk drawer. I had no clue if there was enough to glue a hand back on. “Superglue can hold a big fat guy attached by his hat to a steel girder, according to the commercial,” I told the woman as I put her hand on the table and searched the drawer. “It might work on your hand.”

Damn, I was a slob. The drawer was full of stuff I didn’t need. However, I did find my eyelash curler, a few tampons, last month’s electric bill and the superglue.

“Mmmkay,” I said, assessing the situation.

I was going to have to touch her to make this work. I was hoping to live longer than forty years, but if my time was up—it was up. Maybe all the dead people were hanging out to let me know I was soon to be a goner. It would be nice if I went out doing something kind for someone. Reattaching a dead woman’s hand wouldn’t have been my first choice, but it was the only one I had at the moment.

“Here goes nothing,” I mumbled as I bit down on my lip and covered the stump with the goopy glue.

She watched in fascination as I then picked up her hand and connected it to her stump.

“I think I have to put pressure on it for at least one minute for it to hold. I’m pretty sure that’s what the guy in the commercial did. But to be safe, we’ll do it for two.”

She looked at me. I looked at her. The silence was awkward and loud. If I was imagining the bizarre exchange, I needed some help immediately. Twice I thought I should start a conversation to be polite. I was Southern. It was in my DNA.

“Today’s my birthday,” I told her with a weak smile that I was fairly sure resembled a grimace. I was still hoping she wasn’t going to bite me. I needed to stop watching zombie movies.

The woman kind of moan-grunted in response. Since my life might still be on the line, I nodded and thanked her. Feeling the need to smack myself in the head, I refrained. If I dropped her hand, all hell could break loose.

After what felt like two hours, the two minutes were up. I stepped back and waited for her hand to crash to the floor. It didn’t. She held it up and moved her fingers. I was shocked that the superglue worked on her tendons too. Wait. Attributing normal to the impossible was nuts—like me.

“Wow,” I said with a surprised laugh. “Can’t believe that worked. Does it hurt?”

As expected, she said nothing that made any sense, but she did give me a smile before she faded away.

I sat down heavily on the kitchen chair and mentally went over what had just happened. It was outlandish and unreal, and I couldn’t even talk to anyone about it. I was on my own in Crazytown.

I supposed if there was anything to be thankful for, it was that she wasn’t a flesh-eating zombie. She was just a dead person with a problem and I’d solved it for her. Note to self… stop watching horror movies.

The knock at my door pulled me back from my screwy introspective thought. Who was here at seven in the morning? The ghosts never knocked. They just appeared when they felt like it. I peeked through the peephole and audibly sighed in agony.

It was Stan—my latest mistake. Actually, my only mistake in a seriously long stretch of celibacy, but definitely a mistake.

Getting back into the dating scene twelve months after Steve died was too soon. I wasn’t ready for it. However, the bottle of wine I’d consumed at Patsy’s Bar and Grill last night didn’t agree with my assessment—not that it was a date. It was a booty call that never should have happened. Ever. At least I didn’t stay the night. A walk of shame at three in the morning was far classier than when the sun was out.

I’d already done surgery on a dead woman. It wasn’t fair that I now had to deal with Stan.

Happy birthday to me…

“Hi Stan,” I said as I opened my door enough to be polite, but not far enough to invite him in.

“Hello Daisy, you’re looking lovely today,” he said with an overly confident smile on his handsome face.

Glancing down, I realized I was still barely dressed. I hopped behind the door and poked my head out.

“Stan, what can I do for you? It’s kind of early.”

“I’m really sorry about last night, Daisy,” Stan said without any hint of apology in his perfectly cultured voice. I was sure he’d dressed in the pink polo shirt and starched madras pants with painstaking care. “I can usually go longer than that.”

Kill me now.

“It was great,” I lied and gave him a smile that I prayed didn’t look like I was constipated.

Stan was a nice guy with a job. He was extremely good-looking and had the personality of a box of hair. What on earth had I been thinking? Actually, it was the merlot that had done my thinking for me. I was an idiot. Casual sex wasn’t in my wheelhouse. I knew better. And accountants in madras pants didn’t equate to good sex—or even good conversation.

“I was just wondering when we had intimate relations last night… Did you… umm?”

“No. No, I didn’t, but no worries,” I insisted politely while trying desperately to ignore all of the floating entities that had popped up to see the show. Stan had no idea six semi-corporeal strangers were standing behind him watching my mortifying life play out in full color. Far be it from me to clue him in. I knew I was going crazy. No one else needed that info.

“I’d be happy to, you know…” Stan said as he made the peace sign with two fingers and then shoved his tongue between them.

“Good God, no!” I shouted on a gag and then slapped my hand over my mouth as the slightly decaying old man hovering over Stan’s left shoulder laughed like a loon. “I’m good—really. I have to go visit my gram at the nursing home in a bit and then get to work.”

“Can I see you again?” Stan asked as he made sure his meticulously gelled hair was still in place.

It was.

“I think maybe we should just be friends,” I said diplomatically, considering all I wanted him to do was leave.

“Is it because I could only go for ten minutes?” he asked with a slightly perplexed frown on his ridiculously pretty face.

“Actually, it was two minutes,” I corrected him. “But it’s not that at all. It was a very energetic two minutes.”

“Thank you,” he replied with a satisfied smirk.

It was all I could do not to roll my eyes. The laughing dead dude rolled his buggy eyes for me and I almost giggled.

“Welcome. However, I’m not in the right place for a relationship right now. It’s not you. It’s me. You’re just too… umm… perfect for someone else. You deserve someone who likes to shop at preppy stores. I, you know, don’t want to hold you back, and I’m not good at math, so… ahh,” I stuttered, searching for more inane crap to spew. He wasn’t an asshole. He just wasn’t for me.

And I wasn’t ready for any of this. It wasn’t Stan’s fault. I had my own intimacy issues. However, it was all kinds of stupid to have gotten drunk and tried to work them out with someone who was less appealing than eating a full bag of plain rice cakes.

“I see what you mean,” Stan said as he nodded seriously then glanced over at me with pity. “While the sex was outstanding, I’m far smarter than you.”

“I’m sorry… what?”

Correction. He was a complete asshole.

The hanging specters didn’t like that one either. They flew around Stan like a freaking tornado. It was difficult to focus on the boring man on my porch with all the hoopla going on.

“Well, I do have two Masters and my CPA license. And you’re just an attractive widowed paralegal with a great rack,” he said in a socially acceptable, pleasant tone, clearly unaware he was an asshole.

There were several ways to handle the situation. One was to kill him, but I had too much going on to spend any time in prison for murder. Plus, I’d never killed anyone. My fortieth birthday wasn’t a good day to start a life of crime. This was a small town and I didn’t need that kind of reputation. The second was to escort him right out of my life.

I knew exactly how to do that.

“Stan, I’m going to suggest you leave before I tell you that you have a tiny penis and I wasn’t exactly sure we were having sex at all. You wear too much aftershave and if you’re going to manscape, you might want to have a go at your back. So, unless you want to hear all that, you’d better sprint your preppy, pencil-pushing ass off my porch.”

“Can I call you?” he asked through the closed door as I slammed it shut.

I didn’t grace the request with an answer. It was embarrassing and unbelievable that I’d spent even two minutes of time I couldn’t get back on a jackass with a mini man tool who thought he was smarter than me.

God, I missed Steve. I mean, we had our problems, but he wasn’t hairy.

I was done dating. Forever. Forty, widowed and single was starting to sound very good.

Now I just needed to deal with the visible to only me weirdos hanging out in my house. However, I had to give it to them. They were very supportive when Stan was talking smack.

After a full two and a half minutes of contemplative thought—which was thirty seconds longer than Stan’s performance last night—I decided to ignore my uninvited houseguests. I was completely out of coffee and the lack of caffeine made me slightly dangerous. I’d just go on with my day and block out the fact I was hanging on to my sanity by a thread.

* * *

“Turn it up, baby. Bob Barker mumbles and I won’t get the damn price right if I can’t hear the old coot,” Gram shouted from her bed as I slapped my hands over my ears and winced.

“Pot, kettle, black, old lady,” I muttered with a grin as I handed my beloved grandmother her hearing aids. “Try these. Bob’s on fire today.”

“Hate ’em,” she griped as she adjusted her bed so she was sitting more upright. “With those little nuggets in my ears, I can hear every damn sound in this here prison I’m in. Happy Birthday, my Daisy girl!”

“Thank you.” I kissed her wrinkled cheek and breathed in her scent—Ivory soap and dime store perfume. It was the best smell in the world. “You like the bed?”

“Love it. You’re my best girl,” she said with a wink as she smoothed the wild dark hair out of my face. “The love of my life.”

The bed had cost me almost three full paychecks and the nursing home had pitched a fit when I’d moved it in, but I’d prevailed. Gram called her new home a prison, but I was onto her. I knew she secretly loved it. She played poker several nights a week while lying in her new bed and from what I’d heard from the nurses, she was juggling three paramours at the moment.

The visual of my ninety-year-old grandmother with a man-friend was alarming. I pushed it to the section of my brain labeled don’t go there ever. To reprogram the disturbing images, I started folding Gram’s housecoats.

“The show is rigged and I think Bob’s had him a little nip and tuck. However, I wouldn’t kick him out of bed for eatin’ crackers,” she informed me and everyone within a five-mile radius.

“I just ate a banana, Gram. Can’t listen to you talking about getting horizontal with Bob Barker,” I said as I nonchalantly glanced around the room and peeked under the bed. Thankfully it was clear—no ghosts and no unattached appendages.

They’d been following me constantly and I wasn’t sure what they wanted. Terrified at first, I’d gotten used to them… kind of. I had no choice really. It was either accept that I’d become a dead-people magnet or buy a straightjacket and commit myself. Hell, I still wasn’t sure they were really there. The only thing I was certain of was that I was losing my marbles.

“Daisy, I can’t do it now cause all my programs are coming on, but I have some stuff you need to know before I become one with the earthworms,” Gram said as she put her hearing aids in and then pulled them right back out.

“You’re not dying anytime soon. If you leave me, I’m traveling straight to Hell and yanking your sorry deaf ass back up here.”

“Hell ain’t so bad. I got a condo with air conditioning reserved.” She cackled with glee until Bob came back on the tube and began describing the final showcase.

I’d had enough of the big wheel and guessing the price of microwaves. The Game Show Network was on 24/7 in Gram’s room. If I had to guess, I’d have to say the episode we were watching was from the 1970s. I had to get to work anyway.

“Gram, I’ll stop by tonight. Make sure you eat today.”

I kissed her forehead. She waved me away as not to miss a second of Bob.

At least she was happy.

I wished I could say the same for myself.

Robyn’s Book List

(in correct reading order)

HOT DAMNED SERIES

Fashionably Dead

Fashionably Dead Down Under

Hell on Heels

Fashionably Dead in Diapers

A Fashionably Dead Christmas

Fashionably Hotter Than Hell

Fashionably Dead and Wed

Fashionably Fanged

Fashionably Flawed

A Fashionably Dead Diary

Fashionably Forever After

Fashionably Fabulous

A Fashionable Fiasco

Fashionably Fooled

More coming soon…

GOOD TO THE LAST DEATH SERIES

It’s A Wonderful Midlife Crisis

Whose Midlife Crisis Is It Anyway?

A Most Excellent Midlife Crisis

SEA SHENANIGANS SERIES

Tallulah’s Temptation

Ariel’s Antics

Misty’s Mayhem

Madison’s Mess

Petunia’s Pandemonium

Jingle Me Balls

SHIFT HAPPENS SERIES

Ready to Were

Some Were in Time

No Were To Run

Were Me Out

Where We Belong

MAGIC AND MAYHEM SERIES

Switching Hour

Witch Glitch

A Witch in Time

Magically Delicious

A Tale of Two Witches

Three’s A Charm

Switching Witches

More coming soon…

A WYLDE PARANORMAL LOVE STORY SERIES

Beauty Loved the Beast

More coming soon…

HANDCUFFS AND HAPPILY EVER AFTERS SERIES

How Hard Can it Be?

Size Matters

Cop a Feel

If after reading all the above you are still wanting more adventure and zany fun, read Pirate Dave and His Randy Adventures, the romance novel budding novelist Rena was helping wicked Evangeline write in How Hard Can It Be?

Warning: Pirate Dave Contains Romance Satire, Spoofing, and Pirates with Two Pork Swords.

About Robyn Peterman

Robyn Peterman writes because the people inside her head won’t leave her alone until she gives them life on paper. Her addictions include laughing really hard with friends, shoes (the expensive kind), Target, Coke with rabbit turd ice in a Yeti cup, bejeweled reading glasses, her kids, her super-hot hubby and collecting stray animals.

A former professional actress with Broadway, film and T.V. credits, she now lives in the South with her family and too many animals to count.

Writing gives her peace and makes her whole, plus having a job where she can work in her sweatpants works really well for her.

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